# Just confonted her-she wants ME to move out!



## flyfishdoc

I finally checked cell phone records after my wife of thirty years told me 2 weeks she wanted a divorce.....she had been showing all of the red flags for a year...tanning, wt. loos, guarding her cell phone, texting...
Found her new BF starting with a bang in records in June. Daily texts/calls starting at O700. 2-3 hours a day at the beach together while kids at school...
Best part is she was TEXTING the Dude while she was telling OUR children that she was leaving the marriage...
I confonted her with the name and she denied it...thenI pulled records and she said she didnt know why she was talking to him...just a friend at the beach...
This after she PASSED OUT in CHURCH Sunday when I went with the family...come to find out she had spent Sat pm with HIM whle I worked overnite.Guess she felt guilty, LOL
Guess what... she told me that I neeeded to leave our marital home. I told her no way, it was my house and I have done nothing wrong. No violence, threats, drinking, drugs..fights either.
I have put in a call to my attorney. How can she make me leave my home and Children when she has been unfaithful and wants to end the marriage??
Thanks. This hurts like hell. I am alternatively mad, sad then glad to kow that I am not cazy and my suspicions for the last 6 mos are true. The truth will set me free I guess...


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## flyfishdoc

Oh I forgot to mention I rode by his beachfront condo this am on the way to work at 0730....ANS SNAPPED A PHOTO OF HER CAR!!


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## Loveandpizza

You need to get Divorce rolling. Do not tell her of any evidence you have. Family courts are biased against men so I wish you luck.


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## JCD

Don't go. Get a Voice Activated Recorder to record her statements and to verify if she starts giving false statements to the police about abuse or anger issues.

Don't let her goad you.

Unfortunately, and I say this to mentally prepare you, a judge may force you out (and he is the only one who should). It's not fair, but life sometimes isn't.

So lawyer up and get the proper motions set in place.

Set up a way into the house in case she changes the locks. Keep a PHOTOCOPY of the mortgage with your name on it with you so you can show police which might try to bar your way inside. Have your lawyer on speed dial in case she pulls shinnanigans.

Likewise the cops. If she tries to drag the OM into your house, you'll want to call the cops to remove him...and have a record made. (Having a recording of their mother and the OM trying to throw daddy out of the house is a DANDY Christmas present for the kids...just saying)

I personally would have removed the valve stems and flattened her tires. But a better question is: why didn't you take a picture of it and email it to yourself? That puts a time stamp on it. Or email your sibling.

Document her crappulance and reveal it to all her family.

Maybe you're a jerk, but she should have womaned up and divorced you, not cheated first.

Oh...reveal to HIS family too. AFTER you have evidence.

Some would say to put a VAR in her car. Just remember you can't unsee or unhear what might be recorded.


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## Count of Monte Cristo

She passed out in church? Talk about a real hypocrite. Maybe you should give her a framed copy of the nine commandments. (Because we know she doesn't give a sh!t about the one that talks about not committing adultery.)


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## workindad

Not sure how much more evidence you feel the need to gather or if it would be helpful during the D. My guess is that it will not help you during the D process, but I'm not a lawyer. Lawyer up as quickly as you can. Protect your bank assets and your exposure to debt that she may suddenly decide to splurge with credit cards in your name if she has access.

Take care of yourself and good luck. She may see the light when you actually file, be prepared. It does happen from what I've read. That was not the case for me personally, but your wife may respond differently.

WD


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## DavidWYoung

Sell the house,Take all money out of the bank, burn her stuff, go to Thailand, and live on the beach!


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## tom67

Cancel joint ccs take half out of the bank joint acct. Do it asap dude! Don't leave the house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

Expose the [email protected] to family/friends
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicer

Loveandpizza said:


> I don't care about how vulnerable hypocrites make themselves.
> 
> I never said that a lack of stated values immunizes someone
> 
> If someone wants to let everyone know they are a hypocrite good for them.
> 
> I don't hate.
> 
> I will end this here.


Actually a Mod probably will. 

Anyway, dude, you need to be careful. 
I mean, like, tight rope careful!!!

Cops don't listen to husbands. They listen to crying wives. 
They don't kick wives out. They kick husbands out, or arrest them. 

Now, I would suggest getting something to record conversations in the house, like a VAR, or something like that. That way you can have some evidence that way when cops show up and your wife is pumping out tears, you have some evidence to show only 10 minutes ago, she was the one yelling and throwing and fit, and you weren't the one shoving her up against the wall. 

She has already shown her true colors. She wants you out. 

You need to defend yourself today. And by that, I mean buy a VAR tomorrow, install it somewhere, and be non-confrontational. 
Or your next post will be from jail. 

And trust me, jail ain't fun. It ain't like the movies...and the movies don't make it look all that fun to begin with...


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## Juicer

tom67 said:


> Cancel joint ccs take half out of the bank joint acct. Do it asap dude! Don't leave the house.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh yea! and do that also!

And cancel credit cards. 

Or you'll get a call from the bank in a few days, saying you got overdraft fees, all your accounts are maxed out, and your credit card companies will be chasing you down when your wife racks up a $10k spending spree charge. 

Cancel all cards! NOW!!!


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## anchorwatch

Sorry it came to this, Flyfish. Time to expose her to all your family and her's. Does the OM have wife. Expose there too. Don't leave the house. Let the kids know the truth, not what she told them at that dinner.


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## flyfishdoc

I got my VAR....but I am in a sensitive line of work. I definitely cannot risk going to jail, as if anybody can....
Iam at work now overnite...I am an doctor in the hospital.
She's never worked. I gave her everything...she went on 2 cruises this year, told cold on me 6 weeks after we got back and hooked up with this dude. We have 5 kids...
I aint perfect but i am not a jerk. I suffer from nice guy syndrome I reckon.
What gets me is how they can DENY while you wave the evidence right in their face....the look in her eyes is like some alien I never met, not the woman I had known for 30 years.

One funny note...right after I first figured out who he was...I sent him a friend request on FB and watched her cellphone blowup...LMAO!!:smthumbup:


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## Loveandpizza

flyfishdoc said:


> I got my VAR....but I am in a sensitive line of work. I definitely cannot risk going to jail, as if anybody can....
> Iam at work now overnite...I am an doctor in the hospital.
> She's never worked. I gave her everything...she went on 2 cruises this year, told cold on me 6 weeks after we got back and hooked up with this dude. We have 5 kids...
> I aint perfect but i am not a jerk. I suffer from nice guy syndrome I reckon.
> What gets me is how they can DENY while you wave the evidence right in their face....the look in her eyes is like some alien I never met, not the woman I had known for 30 years.
> 
> One funny note...right after I first figured out who he was...I sent him a friend request on FB and watched her cellphone blowup...LMAO!!:smthumbup:


Bed, made, lie. You need to show her tough love. I am a nice guy myself, I know it is hard to go against the programming. Of course the courts will hang you out to dry and she probably knows this.


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## Juicer

Lawyer up. 

Dude, you are a doctor. 

If I weighed 300 lbs. but I told you I ran 6 miles everyday to try and lose weight and only ate salads, would you believe me? 
What's making you believe what your wife is telling you?

Lawyer up, and file. 

Then, because you are a doctor, women will literally through themselves at you as they try to 'comfort' you through this tough time in your life. 
And you can live the wonderful single life. Stay out late, work a lot and make a lot of money, drink whenever you want, wear your underwear all day, leave the toilet seat up, whatever you want!!!

You are entering a dark chapter of life. 
Great news: the next one that follows is awesome.


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## Loveandpizza

Juicer said:


> Actually a Mod probably will.
> 
> Anyway, dude, you need to be careful.
> I mean, like, tight rope careful!!!
> 
> Cops don't listen to husbands. They listen to crying wives.
> They don't kick wives out. They kick husbands out, or arrest them.
> 
> Now, I would suggest getting something to record conversations in the house, like a VAR, or something like that. That way you can have some evidence that way when cops show up and your wife is pumping out tears, you have some evidence to show only 10 minutes ago, she was the one yelling and throwing and fit, and you weren't the one shoving her up against the wall.
> 
> She has already shown her true colors. She wants you out.
> 
> You need to defend yourself today. And by that, I mean buy a VAR tomorrow, install it somewhere, and be non-confrontational.
> Or your next post will be from jail.
> 
> And trust me, jail ain't fun. It ain't like the movies...and the movies don't make it look all that fun to begin with...


Good advice.


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## Juicer

Yea, you can't be nice. 

Otherwise, 40% of your salary will be going to your wife, while she lives in your house, and bones another man in your bed. You want that? To take a big pay cut, and lose everything? 

YOU CAN NOT BE NICE!!!


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## Machiavelli

She took two solo cruises in the last year? If that's the case, it's a sure bet she was busy every night getting her ashes hauled.

Your wife, if she's like most women I deal with, had already committed adultery or had made the decision to pursue it when she started her fitness kick. Who knows how many guys have been in the pink since that time?


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## Machiavelli

flyfishdoc said:


> What gets me is how they can DENY while you wave the evidence right in their face....t*he look in her eyes is like some alien* I never met, not the woman I had known for 30 years.


That's why it's called the "pod people stare." Pretty unnerving. I know I won't forget it.


Do you want to try to reconcile with her or do you want to do the sensible thing and kick her to the curb and take up with a decent 35 year old? The advice will differ somewhat depending on your goal.

In either case, you need to up your sex rank, which means 12% BF and as much muscle as you can pack on. Combined with your profession and social status, you'll be irresistible to just about every woman on the make (except your wife).

How many hours do you work each week? You might want to start moderating that in anticipation of alimony etc. I take it you're not in the USA, so you probably need to check with an attorney and find out the score ASAP before you end up working to support your wife's playmates.


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## Shaggy

Exposé both her and the OM wide and far. Make their affair a public humiliation for both of them.


Cut her off totally financially. No cash, no credit.


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## tom67

Nothing like a good shaming for the both of them, karma bus coming!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fvstringpicker

Juicer said:


> Lawyer up.
> 
> And you can live the wonderful single life. Stay out late, work a lot and make a lot of money, drink whenever you want, wear your underwear all day, leave the toilet seat up, whatever you want!!!


And go to Montana and fish the north and south fork of the flathead river. While you're at it, go to west yellowstone and fish the Madizon and yellowstone rivers. I've had good luck at the firehole river inside the park.


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## 67flh

take a new job in one of those bakwards countrys that pays nothing,leave her high and dry...seriously cut OFF her cash supply now.


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## AngryandUsed

Apart from lawyer-ing up, take care of yourself.

Get to see you doctor.

Do 180.


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## tom67

AngryandUsed said:


> Apart from lawyer-ing up, take care of yourself.
> 
> Get to see you doctor.
> 
> Do 180.


I guess the standard STD test also.


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## tom67

flyfishdoc said:


> I got my VAR....but I am in a sensitive line of work. I definitely cannot risk going to jail, as if anybody can....
> Iam at work now overnite...I am an doctor in the hospital.
> She's never worked. I gave her everything...she went on 2 cruises this year, told cold on me 6 weeks after we got back and hooked up with this dude. We have 5 kids...
> I aint perfect but i am not a jerk. I suffer from nice guy syndrome I reckon.
> What gets me is how they can DENY while you wave the evidence right in their face....the look in her eyes is like some alien I never met, not the woman I had known for 30 years.
> 
> One funny note...right after I first figured out who he was...I sent him a friend request on FB and watched her cellphone blowup...LMAO!!:smthumbup:


It's ok I was a nice guy too 2 years out I have a young gf another one if that one doesn't work out. Listen to Mach and Shaggy and others. You have means get informed and hire the best tiburon-shark atty. and go to town you have been dissed enough!


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## alphaomega

I disagree with Machiavelli. Only because your a doctor, so your sex rank is going to default at an 8, if not a nine. Lol. 

So. Your a doctor. You pretty much give orders around the clinic and hospital. Telling others how to heal with the utmost confidence. Taking charge with the nurses. Giving orders you know are right and proper. 

How come at home your not showing the same confident alpha male traits?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor

As stated before , get a VAR and carry it on you, your wife is likley to make false accusations to have you thrown out of your home . To help protect yiurself from her lies and to cause the affair to be uncomfortable expose it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Read the above thread , it contains solid advice from professionals and folk who have been though this before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## flyfishdoc

I hired the biggest sob lawyer I knew....especially because she hates his guts since she got deposed by him in another dr friends divorce. He was giddy when I gave him the pix and cell records.
I gave her everything because I loved her.....won't make that mistake again.
I've told the older kids about her boyfriend.....struggling with how to tell the 12 and 17 yr old. What to say?
Told my partners I'm taking time off to be with kids and lower my income.
The older kids won't talk to her anymore.
I told her siblings what she's been up to....
Told our priest since she is a bigshot at church and social league.
Yep, you make your bed and now she can lie in it with sancho.


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## See_Listen_Love

flyfishdoc said:


> I hired the biggest sob lawyer I knew....especially because she hates his guts since she got deposed by him in another dr friends divorce. He was giddy when I gave him the pix and cell records.
> I gave her everything because I loved her.....won't make that mistake again.
> I've told the older kids about her boyfriend.....struggling with how to tell the 12 and 17 yr old. What to say?
> Told my partners I'm taking time off to be with kids and lower my income.
> The older kids won't talk to her anymore.
> I told her siblings what she's been up to....
> Told our priest since she is a bigshot at church and social league.
> Yep, you make your bed and now she can lie in it with sancho.


Congrats with this remarkable quick change of attitude. 
But you should not gather conclusive evidence first? If she hides the affair, that can have legal/financial consequences?


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## tom67

See_Listen_Love said:


> Congrats with this remarkable quick change of attitude.
> But you should not gather conclusive evidence first? If she hides the affair, that can have legal/financial consequences?


As Koernke would say stay frosty and focused!


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## warlock07

Did you tell her family too ? 

Is this OM married ? Get information on him too. You need to start exposure on his side too.


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## tom67

warlock07 said:


> Did you tell her family too ?
> 
> Is this OM married ? Get information on him too. You need to start exposure on his side too.


Yes he has the highground!


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## alphaomega

See_Listen_Love said:


> Really sarcastic, maybe you are hurt by one?
> 
> Don't blame your trouble on all Christian women, there are good ones too.
> 
> Besides that, Christianity is about sinners seeking forgiveness. You cannot claim superiority because of being a Christian. Jesus teaches to be humble and love your enemy.



Lets not get out of hand here and start a holy war. I took the first post to be sarcasm. With some unsaid inference to the irony of the situation

I've known Christians that didn't really deserve that title. And I've known agnostics that would put the devotion to god to shame for a lot of Christians. 

Each to their own, I guess. Live and let live and all that proper stuff like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express

You need to kick her out of the marital bedroom, and put her and all her clothes, and sundries, in a small room somewhere in your house---and you NEVER leave for any REASON---that house is just as much yours as hers!!!!!!

Tell her as of now, she is responsible for paying for HALF of each and every bill, you have monthly---that includes, mtg, if there is one, all insurance payments, car payments, and upkeep---utilities, and any other necessaries, if she needs money for her own living necessities---give her the "want ads", and tell her to get a job---you are not gonna finance, her cushy lifestyle ONE DAY LONGER

Give her no money whatsoever, cancel all CC's with her name, on them---put bank acct, in your name only, same with savings acct.

Carry your VAR, with you at all times---and just plain go DARK on her

Give her a very large dose of REALITY---I am willing to bet, her lover is gone real quick, when he finds out he is gonna have to take care of your so called wife-------when she comes running back---stay DARK on her---give her a taste of what life will be like on her own, in an apt., working for a living----she ain't gonna like it one bit--------make sure her cushy lifestyle as she knows it---IS OVER---she will wake up real quick!!!!!!


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## tom67

jnj express said:


> You need to kick her out of the marital bedroom, and put her and all her clothes, and sundries, in a small room somewhere in your house---and you NEVER leave for any REASON---that house is just as much yours as hers!!!!!!
> 
> Tell her as of now, she is responsible for paying for HALF of each and every bill, you have monthly---that includes, mtg, if there is one, all insurance payments, car payments, and upkeep---utilities, and any other necessaries, if she needs money for her own living necessities---give her the "want ads", and tell her to get a job---you are not gonna finance, her cushy lifestyle ONE DAY LONGER
> 
> Give her no money whatsoever, cancel all CC's with her name, on them---put bank acct, in your name only, same with savings acct.
> 
> Carry your VAR, with you at all times---and just plain go DARK on her
> 
> Give her a very large dose of REALITY---I am willing to bet, her lover is gone real quick, when he finds out he is gonna have to take care of your so called wife-------when she comes running back---stay DARK on her---give her a taste of what life will be like on her own, in an apt., working for a living----she ain't gonna like it one bit--------make sure her cushy lifestyle as she knows it---IS OVER---she will wake up real quick!!!!!!


Bring it! dinero talks!


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## flyfishdoc

Thanks for the support guys.
I just finished emailing all her family
I got the cellphone records and photos ....
Partys over for her.......


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## tom67

flyfishdoc said:


> Thanks for the support guys.
> I just finished emailing all her family
> I got the cellphone records and photos ....
> Partys over for her.......


Good


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## aug

change your will.

update the beneficiaries on all your insurance, deposits, accounts, etc.

isolate and protect your assets.


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## warlock07

Expect some backlash and be prepared for it. Don't lose your temper and do something stupid. You need to play this smart


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## Kallan Pavithran

She is going to come back you with teray eyes as she is going to loose everything she had.
Dont fall for her crocodile tears. Then also take care, when she realise her tears dont have any effect on you she will call police and press charges of Domestic violence.


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## Chaparral

Put POSOM on cheaterville.com.


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## ing

It am so sorry. 30 years.. I was at 25. 
The alien look is the strangest and most hurtful thing I have ever seen. If you are seeing this I would suggest that you need t be very, very careful. The VAR is essential when talking to her. She will lie. 
If she looks straight in your eyes as she tells you something and looks totally sincere. She is lying. 

DO NOT MOVE OUT.

While you can't throw her out you can separate yourself. 
This will be incredibly difficult and take a very long time. 
At the moment the 30 years you spent together are worthless. Totally meaningless. 
Your kids needs and desires are second place in her mind.

I would not even try and reconcile at the moment, even if you wanted to. What you need to do is to let go as fast as possible. Not appear to let go but to actually let go. You will not be able to fool the person you have spent this long with. 
You really will have to let her go. This will take some time and probably be the hardest thing you have done in your life.

She will attempt to hold on to you while she vacillates. Don't buy fake remorse. 
Protect yourself.


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## NextTimeAround

Fvstringpicker said:


> And go to Montana and fish the north and south fork of the flathead river. While you're at it, go to west yellowstone and fish the Madizon and yellowstone rivers. I've had good luck at the firehole river inside the park.


there's Medecines sans Frontieres. It will give your kids interesting places to go to visit you.


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## LetDownNTX

flyfishdoc said:


> One funny note...right after I first figured out who he was...I sent him a friend request on FB and watched her cellphone blowup...LMAO!!:smthumbup:


HAHAHA, thats awesome!!:rofl:


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## JCD

Holy smokes!

A doctor who can TAKE advice!

I thought that was like man friendly lesbians, Santa Claus and Lawyers with souls: a myth. 

Just teasing! You are head and shoulders above a lot of posters who can't take a lick of advice (They know who I am talking about...)

Seems you did everything correctly. At 17, you should tell that child too. They think they are an adult and they deserve the heads up, particularly since they will probably be called upon to help mitigate the emotional troubles with the 12 year old (if they gret along)

Depending on how nasty you are: I'd put a lock on the Master Bedroom door. You can't lock her out of the house, but you CAN lock her out of YOUR room. Move her stuff out first. Maybe get a thicker door

Yes, I'd reveal to this guy's family. Why does he deserve a reputation and tranquility.

Full f*cking marks on that FB thing! That brought a tear to my eye it was so beautiful. I guess Doctors ARE smart. Nicely NICELY done.

Recall that you will need an escort to the next hosptial function. Might I suggest you start checking out potential people now. Not sure how the wife saw them, but even if they were a chore, NOT taking her and taking someone else would send a definite message which will eventually reach her social circle...with the reputational consequences which she will not like at all, particularly if you share the story that she is a few days from being served.

What is it with women that they think their vagina can't be replaced? Last I checked, they seemed pretty common. You are a doctor. Maybe you can back me up on this.


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## 67flh

should be a really interesting day for you dr. good job.


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## happyman64

Hey Doc

You seem to be doing a great job getting all your ducks in a row.

Can I make 3 suggestions:

One
Take all her clothes and pack them in garbage bags.
Two
Drop the garbage bags on the OM's porch or at his front door with a note " she is all yours now, enjoy the lousy ride. "
Three
Tighten up all your finances real fast and shut off her access to joint money or credit cards.

And have a great day with your kids.

Stay tuff Doc!

HM64
P.s.
The psychological effect of discarding her clothing and her will have an impact on her. Whether you get the chance to reconcile or not you want to throw every monkey wrench into her Affair that you can!!!


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## TDSC60

Nicely done Doc.

I know the 17 year old is still a little kid in your eyes, but he/she is one birthday away from being a legal adult. They will understand everything so I would let one of the old children fill them in on what is going on (they probably already have).

The 12 year old would certainly understand a BF/GF relationship.

Good job with taking some time off to be with the kids.


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## Machiavelli

alphaomega said:


> I disagree with Machiavelli. Only because your a doctor, so your sex rank is going to default at an 8, if not a nine. Lol.


Hey, I'm just wanting to make sure he gets his pick of the supermodels. No half measures and all that.

Doc, I commend you on your quick decision and decisive action. This board is full of guys who die the death of a thousand cuts. You're not one of them. It's like getting caught in an ambush, don't hang around in the kill zone waiting for her to set of the claymores. You just bayonet charged her ambush and that's the last thing she was expecting.

When you feel like doing a postmortem on your marriage, I highly recommend you read a little book called "Married Man Sex Life Primer". It's not really about sex, but how to keep your wife's attraction. You can use the info in the book to keep the harem you'll soon be forming focused on you.


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## tom67

Machiavelli said:


> Hey, I'm just wanting to make sure he gets his pick of the supermodels. No half measures and all that.
> 
> Doc, I commend you on your quick decision and decisive action. This board is full of guys who die the death of a thousand cuts. You're not one of them. It's like getting caught in an ambush, don't hang around in the kill zone waiting for her to set of the claymores. You just bayonet charged her ambush and that's the last thing she was expecting.
> 
> When you feel like doing a postmortem on your marriage, I highly recommend you read a little book called "Married Man Sex Life Primer". It's not really about sex, but how to keep your wife's attraction. You can use the info in the book to keep the harem you'll soon be forming focused on you.


No half measures I like that how about progress not perfection


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## hookares

JCD said:


> Don't go. Get a Voice Activated Recorder to record her statements and to verify if she starts giving false statements to the police about abuse or anger issues.
> 
> Don't let her goad you.
> 
> Unfortunately, and I say this to mentally prepare you, a judge may force you out (and he is the only one who should). It's not fair, but life sometimes isn't.
> 
> So lawyer up and get the proper motions set in place.
> 
> Set up a way into the house in case she changes the locks. Keep a PHOTOCOPY of the mortgage with your name on it with you so you can show police which might try to bar your way inside. Have your lawyer on speed dial in case she pulls shinnanigans.
> 
> Likewise the cops. If she tries to drag the OM into your house, you'll want to call the cops to remove him...and have a record made. (Having a recording of their mother and the OM trying to throw daddy out of the house is a DANDY Christmas present for the kids...just saying)
> 
> I personally would have removed the valve stems and flattened her tires. But a better question is: why didn't you take a picture of it and email it to yourself? That puts a time stamp on it. Or email your sibling.
> 
> Document her crappulance and reveal it to all her family.
> 
> Maybe you're a jerk, but she should have woman ed up and divorced you, not cheated first.
> 
> Oh...reveal to HIS family too. AFTER you have evidence.
> 
> Some would say to put a VAR in her car. Just remember you can't unsee or unhear what might be recorded.


You need to protect yourself against false criminal accusations as soon as possible. One thing I know is that a man has to prove his innocence when accused of physical spousal abuse regardless of their veracity.
Being a doctor, you should already be aware of the way the legal "profession" views doctors if you just review your liability premiums.
As far as judges go, I'm fairly certain that their IQ drops below a measurable level once they have been languishing at the public trough for more than one term so you really can't be too cautious.


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## Count of Monte Cristo

See_Listen_Love said:


> Really sarcastic, maybe you are hurt by one?
> 
> Don't blame your trouble on all Christian women, there are good ones too.
> 
> Besides that, Christianity is about sinners seeking forgiveness. You cannot claim superiority because of being a Christian. Jesus teaches to be humble and love your enemy.


SLL, I lost my religion years ago but reading your words, coupled with your avatar, almost made me get down on my knees and pray.


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## Count of Monte Cristo

ing said:


> The alien look is the strangest and most hurtful thing I have ever seen.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Ain't that the truth!

Also, don't try to hug her or be affectionate when she has that look in her eyes. I made the mistake several weeks after dday of attempting to hug my ex and found myself on the floor desperately protecting the family jewels.

That was the last physical connection I ever had with that woman.


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## ing

Ask HER to tell the kids that she has new "friend" and that Dad won't allow it. Make her tell the truth. Or you will. Be present when she tells them. Do not let her get away with "marital problems " An affair is not a marital problem. 

Your 17 year old probably already knows and will be able to tell you a thing or two. Your 12 year old will be using denial. My youngest was the same age and the thing she is most pissed off about almost two years later is that she was that she was not told what was going on. In my case that was only 10 days after Dday.


----------



## Loveandpizza

JCD said:


> Ah. Still thread jacking I see. What exactly were you offering this guy as advice, instead of taking gratuitious pot shots at a religion you find offensive?


If you don't see how this is relavent I think you should read the opening post.

I gave advice starting with 2 posts after the origiinal post.

I never took a pot shot at any religion.

It is like a woman puts on crocodile tears. I am not bashing her for crying, I am bashing her for putting on a show to try to control, manipulate, etc. 

My point was that people use tactics to take advantage of the good will of their partner. I do not consider someone that pretends to be a Christian in order to try to make others perceive them as having high morals as being a Christian, hence why I put Christian in quotes. I was bashing another tool that cheaters use, not Christianity. I'm sorry if not everything was completely directly relavent.

For those that missed my advice at the beginning or wish not to look, I said that he should start filing for D. He has supported her most of her life and she is showing her gratitude.

I'm sorry that some of my comments are indirectly related instead of directly.


----------



## flyfishdoc

Status update......I wrote a letter detailing her affair and sent it to her FB friends and family. priest as well. called her brother.
Next went to bank opened new account, moved money...and I LEFT TOWN only for a weekend medical conference.
Told the kids....they know more of course....no suprises
Cancelled credit cards
Listened to Eminem song "I am not afraid" all day...I highly recommend it if your a guy wondering what do....
Now I am turning my attention to the other POS. He is divorced.no family..how best to deal with him? (legally of course)
I told my wife that my attorney and I look forward to his deposition!
thoughts?
Thanks for all the advice....working like a charm so far.....very liberating


----------



## Loveandpizza

flyfishdoc said:


> Status update......I wrote a letter detailing her affair and sent it to her FB friends and family. priest as well. called her brother.
> Next went to bank opened new account, moved money...and I LEFT TOWN only for a weekend medical conference.
> Told the kids....they know more of course....no suprises
> Cancelled credit cards
> Listened to Eminem song "I am not afraid" all day...I highly recommend it if your a guy wondering what do....
> Now I am turning my attention to the other POS. He is divorced.no family..how best to deal with him? (legally of course)
> I told my wife that my attorney and I look forward to his deposition!
> thoughts?
> Thanks for all the advice....working like a charm so far.....very liberating


I would personally leave the other guy alone physically. I would stay away from him totally. He is not your problem, your cheating spouse is. You will get better revenge by not caring about him and moving on. What does going after him do for you? It is ultimately your wife's fault, at least as you should be concerned, as she could of turned him down, or not pursued him If you like eminem you could listen to "25 to life."


----------



## JCD

flyfishdoc said:


> Status update......I wrote a letter detailing her affair and sent it to her FB friends and family. priest as well. called her brother.
> Next went to bank opened new account, moved money...and I LEFT TOWN only for a weekend medical conference.
> Told the kids....they know more of course....no suprises
> Cancelled credit cards
> Listened to Eminem song "I am not afraid" all day...I highly recommend it if your a guy wondering what do....
> Now I am turning my attention to the other POS. He is divorced.no family..how best to deal with him? (legally of course)
> I told my wife that my attorney and I look forward to his deposition!
> thoughts?
> Thanks for all the advice....working like a charm so far.....very liberating


Well, if you have some time on your hands, you cut and paste this little missive.

"Your friend POS has directly lead to the destruction of my marriage of 30 years. I have since learned that he's had a divorce in his past for reasons I do not know but guess is adultery.

Madam, I have sent this message to your husband. If you spend any time alone with this man, he has a good reason to suspect HIS intentions and you are now warned about being alone with him.

Sir, this man is a low down snake who preys on married women. You are a married man. If you see him spend an inordinate or special interest in your wife, know that this is not a good sign. I have been burned and can verify that a divorce is in the works. I felt it a public service to save you ffrom that pain."

Then you send it to each of his married friends. Do not send more than one message a minute in FB. Private Message it.

If you want to amp things up even more...:FIREdevil:

Face Book on both their walls.

"This is my wife (picture) If you see her with THIS man (picture), please PM me at (address) with any evidence in a dissolution of marriage procedure. You will remain anonymous."


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Loveandpizza said:


> I would personally leave the other guy alone physically. I would stay away from him totally.


I disagree about leaving the OM alone. Don't confront him physically but you'll feel much better getting some retribution - I know I did - and I still feel good knowing that he suffered as much (or more) than I did. Below is how I got mine:



Count of Monte Cristo said:


> ...When I discovered my wife's affair with a former boyfriend from 20+ years ago, I went absolutely nuclear on his ass. I copied all 200+ pages of explicit email and Facebook messages between the two of them and emailed copies to everyone at his workplace (from the secretary to his boss); I made sure to also copy the PTA of his daughter's elementary school. This is in addition to mailing a zip drive to his wife. And what did the bastard do?
> 
> He had a lawyer send me a terse letter informing that if I continued such actions he would be forced to sue me for violating several state and federal statues. Some of which included inflicting emotional distress, interference with contract (I guess this meant the marital contract), et cetera, et cetera. The way I was feeling I didn't give a sh!t what this azzhole and his lawyer did to me. In the end, I didn't do anything else - not out of fear of a lawsuit - but because I had already exacted my vengeance on the scumbag OM.


Edit: Plus you'll be doing a favor to the next guy whose marriage he might otherwise have destroyed. Trust me, my ex's OM won't be messing around with married women for a long long time.


----------



## flyfishdoc

I love it....I like the idea of putting her clothes in a garbage bag and dumping them at his door with the note...LMFAO
Unfortunately he is divorced with no kids...I do know where the POS works though....hmmm


----------



## happyman64

flyfishdoc said:


> I love it....I like the idea of putting her clothes in a garbage bag and dumping them at his door with the note...LMFAO
> Unfortunately he is divorced with no kids...I do know where the POS works though....hmmm


Hey Doc

I am serious about dropping her crap off.

It sends a clear signal to her that you are letting her go.

It also lets the OM know she will be going there. The OM has to decide if the Affair was a fling or if he has to now man up for his new GF who is still legally married. Hence more complications to his life.

Now his free piece of @ss (your wife) comes with a price. His freedom and bachelor lifestyle banging multiple chicks with very little commitment is over......

Stay tough. Enjoy your weekend away. Let your attorney work his magic and start to let your wife feel the consequences of her crappy actions.

Most of all keep your head and stay calm.

HM64


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

flyfishdoc said:


> I love it....I like the idea of putting her clothes in a garbage bag and dumping them at his door with the note...LMFAO
> Unfortunately he is divorced with no kids...I do know where the POS works though....hmmm


If you have electronic evidence between the POSOM and your wife, you could create a 'dummy' email account and mail it from your nearest public or university library to his co-workers. You'll be doing them a great service. 

Interesting aside: My ex's POSOM created an AOL email to contact my wife using the pet name that they used for his 'Johnson' - something along the lines of POSOM_Johnson'[email protected] When I sent my mass email, I created a Yahoo account with the same name - POSOM_Johnson'[email protected] that I cc'd him on. I still get pleasure thinking about his reaction when he saw that in his work inbox.


----------



## Juicer

flyfishdoc said:


> Status update......I wrote a letter detailing her affair and sent it to her FB friends and family. priest as well. called her brother.
> Next went to bank opened new account, moved money...and I LEFT TOWN only for a weekend medical conference.
> Told the kids....they know more of course....no suprises
> Cancelled credit cards
> Listened to Eminem song "I am not afraid" all day...I highly recommend it if your a guy wondering what do....
> Now I am turning my attention to the other POS. He is divorced.no family..how best to deal with him? (legally of course)
> I told my wife that my attorney and I look forward to his deposition!
> thoughts?
> Thanks for all the advice....working like a charm so far.....very liberating


Wow!
You did everything!!!
Wow...just...wow dude. Good job!!!

Becareful which Eminem songs you listen to though. Because listening to "Love the way you lie," was a horrible idea for me...

But good job dude!!!
You keep this up, you'll be on the greatest chapter of your life pretty soon!


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Doc must be related to BFF. These two guys are textbook examples of how to take control of the situation with their cheating wives. (Alas, I would've been one of the examples of how not to handle it.)


----------



## flyfishdoc

Eureka, I found it...the POS has a security clearance in order to work at a defense contractor here....sent email to CEO......he can kiss that security clearance bye bye....military takes a dim view of adulteru


----------



## happyman64

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> If you have electronic evidence between the POSOM and your wife, you could create a 'dummy' email account and mail it from your nearest public or university library to his co-workers. You'll be doing them a great service.
> 
> Interesting aside: My ex's POSOM created an AOL email to contact my wife using the pet name that they used for his 'Johnson' - something along the lines of POSOM_Johnson'[email protected] When I sent my mass email, I created a Yahoo account with the same name - POSOM_Johnson'[email protected] that I cc'd him on. I still get pleasure thinking about his reaction when he saw that in his work inbox.


I would have lived to be a fly on the wall of his office when he saw that email and then realized who was also sent that email.

I bet he went crazy........


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

happyman64 said:


> I would have lived to be a fly on the wall of his office when he saw that email and then realized who was also sent that email.
> 
> I bet he went crazy........


HM, some days I have to fight the urge to call one of his co-workers to try and get the skinny on how my Shakespearean plot played out.


----------



## tom67

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> HM, some days I have to fight the urge to call one of his co-workers to try and get the skinny on how my Shakespearean plot played out.


He is definitely going scorched earth like bff, I'd like to see her show her face in church again:rofl:


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

tom67 said:


> He is definitely going scorched earth like bff, I'd like to see her show her face in church again:rofl:


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

And it only took him a day and five pages to take action.


----------



## Loveandpizza

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> I disagree about leaving the OM alone. Don't confront him physically but you'll feel much better getting some retribution - I know I did - and I still feel good knowing that he suffered as much (or more) than I did. Below is how I got mine:
> 
> 
> 
> Edit: Plus you'll be doing a favor to the next guy whose marriage he might otherwise have destroyed. Trust me, my ex's OM won't be messing around with married women for a long long time.


To each their own. Just make sure you don't lose track of who is ultimately responsible. If it were not him, she would of found someone else.


----------



## Loveandpizza

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> And it only took him a day and five pages to take action.


I'm quite surprised. Most drag their feet.


----------



## tom67

Loveandpizza said:


> To each their own. Just make sure you don't lose track of who is ultimately responsible. If it were not him, she would of found someone else.


You are correct her first but ya gotta have some fun with that pos!


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Loveandpizza said:


> To each their own. Just make sure you don't lose track of who is ultimately responsible. If it were not him, she would of found someone else.


But it WAS him - and that's who I took care of. 

'Sometimes you have to fight when you're a man.' - Kenny Rogers, 'The Coward of the County'


----------



## tom67

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> But it WAS him - and that's who I took care of.
> 
> 'Sometimes you have to fight when you're a man.' - Kenny Rogers, 'The Coward of the County'


Oh count the other one you gotta know when to hold em know when to fold em. I won't mention Billy Ray Cyrus though I know you love him:rofl:


----------



## tom67

Dirty Harry IV - Too much sugar is bad for you - YouTube


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

tom67 said:


> Oh count the other one you gotta know when to hold em know when to fold em. I won't mention Billy Ray Cyrus though I know you love him:rofl:


Thanks Tom. I owe you one. I can't believe you mentioned that song right before my bedtime.

HEY MACARENA!! 

And with that, I'm going to watch sexy Lucy Liu in Sherlock Holmes. Good night.


----------



## Loveandpizza

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> But it WAS him - and that's who I took care of.
> 
> 'Sometimes you have to fight when you're a man.' - Kenny Rogers, 'The Coward of the County'


Thats fine, sorry to sidetrack. Some blame it all on the OM instead of their cheating spouse, thats all I was trying to convey. I do not think the OP is in that frame of mind though.


----------



## tom67

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Thanks Tom. I owe you one. I can't believe you mentioned that song right before my bedtime.
> 
> HEY MACARENA!!
> 
> And with that, I'm going to watch sexy Lucy Liu in Sherlock Holmes. Good night.


Oh God they played that at my sisters first wedding


----------



## 67flh

hey doc, keep a eye on your credit report..just cause you canceled those cc cards, dont mean she won't open more in your name.


----------



## NextTimeAround

happyman64 said:


> Hey Doc
> 
> I am serious about dropping her crap off.
> 
> It sends a clear signal to her that you are letting her go.
> 
> It also lets the OM know she will be going there. The OM has to decide if the Affair was a fling or if he has to now man up for his new GF who is still legally married. Hence more complications to his life.
> 
> *Now his free piece of @ss (your wife) comes with a price. His freedom and bachelor lifestyle banging multiple chicks with very little commitment is over......*
> 
> Stay tough. Enjoy your weekend away. Let your attorney work his magic and start to let your wife feel the consequences of her crappy actions.
> 
> Most of all keep your head and stay calm.
> 
> HM64


wouldn't it be funny if one of his other girlfriends found the bag of clothes first.


----------



## arbitrator

Greatly like me, you need to plan to expose it to her/your families and mutual friends to show that the dissolution of your marriage was in no way your fault.

Since you'll be in litigation soon, your attorney could use that info as leverage against her say in a community property setting. But ultimately, it will be in your best interest to "release" copies of that damning information against her to the family to firmly put her in her place to ardently show that, not only she was a poster girl adulteress, but also a liar of the highest magnitude!

Best of luck to you, my friend!


----------



## flyfishdoc

I emailed them and said he might want to check on his security clearance at work this morning.....that the military takes a dim view of adultery.....
Then I watched their cellphones blow up......LMFAO!!


----------



## JCD

flyfishdoc said:


> I emailed them and said he might want to check on his security clearance at work this morning.....that the military takes a dim view of adultery.....
> Then I watched their cellphones blow up......LMFAO!!


Not much you can actually do in that realm.

Not sure exactly what you did or said, but it's unlikely they will pull it. But being known at work as a philanderer.

Well. I worked in the military (not in any REAL high security capacity, for all my Top Security clearance). We had two gents there who screwed everything that moved and nudged it with their feet first just to make sure. 

They did this for a long time and nothing happened to them.

It was only when one of the guys BLATANTLY canoodled with another woman during a deployment (and didn't work a lick...duing a WAR SITUATION) that he got sidelined and his career ruined.

The other, well the only blowback he faced was with me. Another guy asked when my wife was going to visit one of the familly events with me again (She is attractive) and I said: "Not while BLANK is still here." 

He heard me. He was a friend of mine. He was hurt. He should have been.


----------



## flyfishdoc

I just figured a nice email to the head of his HR at BAE cc'd to the CEO couldn't hurt.....it's a small town


----------



## JCD

flyfishdoc said:


> I just figured a nice email to the head of his HR at BAE cc'd to the CEO couldn't hurt.....it's a small town


Certainly not. Even if it does not impact his career, it hurts his projected persona. And any pain a philanderer feels makes angels laugh.


----------



## Shaggy

Post both of them on cheaterville.com


----------



## aug

Shaggy said:


> Post both of them on cheaterville.com



Yes, cheaterville.com with proof -- that substantially adds more weight.

Also, you need to make sure you have a copy of your evidence off-site somewhere safe and secure.


----------



## tom67

aug said:


> Yes, cheaterville.com with proof -- that substantially adds more weight.
> 
> Also, you need to make sure you have a copy of your evidence off-site somewhere safe and secure.


Then you could send them the link and see their phones blow up again


----------



## survivorwife

tom67 said:


> Then you could send them the link and see their phones blow up again


:smthumbup:


----------



## happyman64

flyfishdoc said:


> I just figured a nice email to the head of his HR at BAE cc'd to the CEO couldn't hurt.....it's a small town


Awesome Doc.

2 cheating imbeciles. I love it.

Keep up the pressure.


----------



## flyfishdoc

one final item on bucket list...when i get back in town i am gonna take the advice on dump her clothes at his condo...with the note

Then I am done

Guys out there, its been a whirlwind week but just do it....trust your gut..if you think she is cheating then she probably is....do your homework
Then follow the advice here. You will get the peace you crave. Don't take any crap from these women


----------



## tom67

Good job so far keep a var on you when you are aroundher keep us updated
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## naga75

flyfishdoc said:


> One funny note...right after I first figured out who he was...I sent him a friend request on FB and watched her cellphone blowup...LMAO!!:smthumbup:



hahaha! 
i did this too on d day.
first i sent his wife one, so i could let her know what a POS he was, which i ended up doing through her email that she so conveniently had attached to her public facebook profile. turns out she already knew. but hadnt told me. chickensh!t.
then i sent him one.

i wish i could have seen his face when he saw it.

he never accepted, though. go figure.

flyfishdoc...:smthumbup:you are my hero.


----------



## happyman64

flyfishdoc said:


> one final item on bucket list...when i get back in town i am gonna take the advice on dump her clothes at his condo...with the note
> 
> Then I am done
> 
> Guys out there, its been a whirlwind week but just do it....trust your gut..if you think she is cheating then she probably is....do your homework
> Then follow the advice here. You will get the peace you crave. Don't take any crap from these women


I agree. Do not take any crap from a cheater! man or woman!


----------



## JCD

What a difference a brain and self respect makes. Should we post a link on (censored) thread?


----------



## warlock07

what evidence do you have on him?


----------



## flyfishdoc

Phone cell records/texts. Photos of her car at his condo on multiple days. Them on the beach .....


----------



## flyfishdoc

And best evidence finally.....she tried to explain her friend to my son....said they have so much in common and she JUST HASNT BEEN HAPPY....LMAO my son told her to go f$&@ herself
Told her sister it was MY fault.......I drove her to another....
Really


----------



## TDSC60

Don't forget about us Doc.

I am addicted now.

Gotta know how this turns out.


----------



## happyman64

flyfishdoc said:


> And best evidence finally.....she tried to explain her friend to my son....said they have so much in common and she JUST HASNT BEEN HAPPY....LMAO my son told her to go f$&@ herself
> Told her sister it was MY fault.......I drove her to another....
> Really


Doc
What state do you live in?
Is it a fault or no fault state?

How long do you think her cheating has been going on?


----------



## warlock07

Just phone call records and pics of her car outside his house might not prove an affair though. Just be aware of that.

And how old is your son ?


----------



## MattMatt

Is this her first time as a cheater?

It might be best to get the kids to volunteer to have DNA tests. This is not necessarily to establish if you are their father, it is another way to emphasise to your WW that she has totally destroyed your trust in her.


----------



## arbitrator

warlock07 said:


> Just phone call records and pics of her car outside his house might not prove an affair though. Just be aware of that.


I understand that in Texas, that just the mere presence of cell phone records involving many calls/texts either "made to," as well as "taken from" a paramour, can well shift the burden of proof in an adultery charge, greatly provided that there is an "at-fault" hearing.

I can't really speak to the other states though!


----------



## survivorwife

warlock07 said:


> Just phone call records and pics of her car outside his house might not prove an affair though. Just be aware of that.


Inclination and Opportunity is all a person needs to prove an affair. Chances are slim to none that anyone actually has a video of the unfaithful couple in bed together.

Inclination = the phone call records.

Opportunity = her car outside of his house.

I rest my case, your honor.


----------



## arbitrator

2asdf2 said:


> Objection!
> 
> Hearsay!
> 
> .



*Objection overruled!*

As long as the cell phone/ texting records are direct documented evidence from a provider that the exhibitor in court has a legal right to obtain, then that, is in no way, to be deemed as "hearsay."


----------



## anchorwatch

flyfishdoc said:


> Told her sister it was MY fault.......I drove her to another....
> Really


Yeah, you twisted her arm, put her in the car and drove her too the OM's beach house. Blah, blah, blah. This is the conclusion from an educated woman. Sure. Is that what she'll tell the pastor this Sunday?


----------



## the guy

Doc,
Great job on going nuclear.
Has the begging started or she still pissed about the huge degree of exposure?

Does sancho still want her and all the drama that comes with her?


Wait, I forgot you went dark.

Whats the puzz around town? Its seems her only damamge control is now admitting it and telling others you "made her find a new reality". Not a very good defence IMHO!


----------



## flyfishdoc

Well I'm back in town....she's still royally pissed and playing like she's the victim.....spreading the tale that I made her do it....among other things I was FAT....geez I'm 6 foot 240 harrow obese...
Told her how the he'll could she keep the 4k necklace I gave her six weeks ago for our anniversary. Told her I thought her serving me communion at church all last month was a cute touch....
She's gas lighting a d trying to act like a schoolgirl....took the kids to 0800 mass today and then youth group at 1600. LMFAO they have never been...
Had her best girlfriends/sister come staybwith her...
But she's the one on the couch, LOL
I'm sleeping in my bed!


----------



## Acabado

flyfishdoc said:


> I'm sleeping in my bed!


Put a lock on the bedroom's door. Put all her stuff away.
Don't engage in any nonsese. Stare at her. See through her. She's a ghost. A cartoon. A child caught red handed.

This guy is a rock star!
Embrace the 180!! Live you life for you and your childrens.


----------



## walkonmars

flyfishdoc said:


> ...took the kids to 0800 mass today ...


Hmmm I'm changing my mind about her. Maybe, _just maybe_, she was reciting early morning rosary at the beach? wadda you think?


----------



## happyman64

Sadly Doc

When a wayward is this selfish you need to use the nuclear option.

Take back the necklace. She does not deserve it.

Definitely pack the clothes.

Drop them off.

And let the pastor know what she has done.

It is time to humble her in the eyes of God.

Until she sees the errors of her ways you need to chip away at her mirage that she is painting to everyone.

Keep separating your life from hers.

Stay tough. Stay strong.

Keep kicking ass!

HM64


----------



## JCD

Take the necklace and sell it back. Split the money in the settlment.

Have THAT money specifically set aside with a picture of the necklace wrapped around it so she knows that the emotional attachment is seen.

The tender memory will be ruined.


----------



## Murphy93

Sell the house


----------



## flyfishdoc

Now she is gaslighting big time. Telling all I am psycho, her "affair" is all in my head.
I hacked her email....as I suspected has 2 toxic female friends. #1 is a **** stirrer who's husband is a milquetoast. #2 is recently divorced from my wires first boyfriend 40 yrs ago before i came along. her divorce was final 6 weeks ago so she is coaching my wife..
the kids are telling me she is going out to bring home booze even though her friends IMPLORED her not to drink at all right now...
they think I am trying to set her up for the unfit mom scenario...hadnt planned on it
found ou she even gave the OMs email to her girlfriends and they are ALL talking...how sick is that.
she needs an OSCAR for this performance
Other than just staying dark anything else to do at this point?


----------



## warlock07

how old are the kids?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

2asdf2 said:


> Stop looking at her emails.
> 
> It does not help you if you are trying to move on. You already know all you need to know, anyway.
> 
> .


I disagree. He might be able to discern her next steps and keep ahead of her by reading them. 

This is war and her emails might contain battle plans.


----------



## happyman64

:iagree:

She should pay for her stupidity. 

And if she keeps drinking and listening to the other toxic hens and rooster (POSOM) you just might end up taking custody of the children.

So stay 5 steps ahead of her.

And if she does not stop the nonsense then get out the hefty bags.

You know the rest.

That way she can go find herself......:banghead::banghead:


HM64


----------



## aug

flyfishdoc said:


> I've told the older kids about her boyfriend.....struggling with how to tell the 12 and 17 yr old. What to say?





warlock07 said:


> how old are the kids?



5 kids, youngest 12


----------



## Machiavelli

Acabado said:


> Put a lock on the bedroom's door. Put all her stuff away.
> Don't engage in any nonsese. *Stare at her. See through her. She's a ghost.* A cartoon. A child caught red handed.


It's too bad new BH's don't already know how to use that alien pod people stare that WW's instinctively turn on guys once they know the score. where do they learn that, anyway?


----------



## Machiavelli

flyfishdoc said:


> Now she is gaslighting big time. Telling all I am psycho, her "affair" is all in my head.
> I hacked her email....as I suspected has 2 toxic female friends. #1 is a **** stirrer who's husband is a milquetoast. #2 is recently divorced from my wires first boyfriend 40 yrs ago before i came along. her divorce was final 6 weeks ago so she is coaching my wife..
> the kids are telling me she is going out to bring home booze even though her friends IMPLORED her not to drink at all right now...
> they think I am trying to set her up for the unfit mom scenario...hadnt planned on it
> found ou she even gave the OMs email to her girlfriends and they are ALL talking...how sick is that.


It's totally typical. Woman herds are all about affirming each other's bad decisions. Accountability? WTH is that?



flyfishdoc said:


> she needs an OSCAR for this performance
> Other than just staying dark anything else to do at this point?


Just remember, NO QUARTER. Other than that, just keep working on that chiseled Michelangelo physique.


----------



## Acabado

"I'm sorry you feel this way"
"I'm not OK with that"


----------



## flyfishdoc

Todays update....told my best friends wife in July she was leaving..."wanted to do things for herself"..... Remember she has not worked in 28 years!!
Says I spent her inheritance....LMFAO!! She spent it...40k in one afternoon buying art and jewelry....hope I can find the receipts this week...
The entitlement is amazing..........


----------



## survivorwife

flyfishdoc said:


> Todays update....told my best friends wife in July she was leaving..."wanted to do things for herself"..... Remember she has not worked in 28 years!!
> Says I spent her inheritance....LMFAO!! She spent it...40k in one afternoon buying art and jewelry....hope I can find the receipts this week...
> The entitlement is amazing..........


Doesn't matter what she says. Once an inheritance is incorporated into the marital funds and spent, she can't claim later that you (and only you) spent it.

Nice try though. :rofl:


----------



## the guy

Don't worry about her friends, they are there for her own benifit. they tell her what she wants to hear.

What you are looking for is an allie that she looks up to, some one she has high regard for, the few poeple in her life past or present that she has great respect for. 

Those folks (even if its just one person) are your focal point when it comes to damage control and having an effective impact on your WW.


----------



## flyfishdoc

I found out she had an IT guy at the house today....wonder what she is fishing for?
My laptop was with me all day.
Thoughts? Trying to check my hard drive? Firewall?


----------



## keko

Install a keylogger?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

flyfishdoc said:


> I found out she had an IT guy at the house today....wonder what she is fishing for?
> My laptop was with me all day.
> Thoughts? Trying to check my hard drive? Firewall?


How did you find out that she had an IT guy at your house?

Do you have the name/number and company of this guy? I'd contact them and tell them that you want to know what this guy did to your computers, network, etc. I'd be adamant that it's your equipment and you have the right to know. You want a written report.

If they installed a key logger or any other kind of spying software/device tell them that you will sue them unless they come out and remove the stuff for free... and that you expect them to pay for you to have an IT guy/gal monitor what they are doing since the colluded with your wife to do something illegal.


----------



## EleGirl

flyfishdoc said:


> Todays update....told my best friends wife in July she was leaving..."wanted to do things for herself"..... Remember she has not worked in 28 years!!
> Says I spent her inheritance....LMFAO!! She spent it...40k in one afternoon buying art and jewelry....hope I can find the receipts this week...
> The entitlement is amazing..........


What will you do with the reciepts if/when you find them?

The dealers where she bought them might still have records of the purchases.


----------



## Malaise

EleGirl said:


> How did you find out that she had an IT guy at your house?
> 
> Do you have the name/number and company of this guy? I'd contact them and tell them that you want to know what this guy did to your computers, network, etc. I'd be adamant that it's your equipment and you have the right to know. You want a written report.
> 
> If they installed a key logger or any other kind of spying software/device tell them that you will sue them unless they come out and remove the stuff for free... and that you expect them to pay for you to have an IT guy/gal monitor what they are doing since the colluded with your wife to do something illegal.


:iagree:

I would go hard core on these people until they do exactly what EleGirl says. Pull no punches.


----------



## EleGirl

Malaise said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I would go hard core on these people until they do exactly what EleGirl says. Pull no punches.


I work for a big engineering firm and now work from home 2 full days a week and before/after work every day. I could lose my job and be in a lot of legal trouble is there were any kind of paying devices put on my system that allowe someone to capture what I do for work. 

The OP is a doctor. He deals with patients records. He might have acces to them remotely. It could compromize patient privacy.


----------



## flyfishdoc

The IT guy was a network admin. For viper technologies now free lancing. I found her cell comm. With him early in day..then eyes on ground confirmed....she's looking for some intel since I got the goods on her. She was not planning on that.
I just want the receipt for the 40 k worth of jewelry she bought one afternoon to show the judge how out of touch with reality she is!
It sucks being three hours away for another day since she could be selling my toys I guess....but I'm seeing my lawyer in am and he is a real sob. I could file here in the city which would be a different venue than the cowtown where we live and her family has been for 100yrs. I'm gonna see if I can beat her to the punch since she is 2 lawyer visits ahead of me....how fast can one file? Also how doni get my name off of the title to her car so if she gets drunk and crashes it I'm not on the hook?


----------



## flyfishdoc

Your correct ElEgirl I do access the hospital from home so I will have my attorney tomorrow put the fear of god in em.....that's a federal violation. 35k fine


----------



## flyfishdoc

Good point EleGirl. I do use my computer to login to hospital system. Ifbtheyvspied on that it's a federal violation, 35 k fine. Tomorrow they will getban education


----------



## EleGirl

flyfishdoc said:


> The IT guy was a network admin. For viper technologies now free lancing. I found her cell comm. With him early in day..then eyes on ground confirmed....she's looking for some intel since I got the goods on her. She was not planning on that.
> I just want the receipt for the 40 k worth of jewelry she bought one afternoon to show the judge how out of touch with reality she is!
> It sucks being three hours away for another day since she could be selling my toys I guess....but I'm seeing my lawyer in am and he is a real sob. I could file here in the city which would be a different venue than the cowtown where we live and her family has been for 100yrs. I'm gonna see if I can beat her to the punch since she is 2 lawyer visits ahead of me....how fast can one file? Also how doni get my name off of the title to her car so if she gets drunk and crashes it I'm not on the hook?


My lawyer filed the initial divorce petition in 24 hours of me contacting her. The initial papework is not all that hard even with child support, interim spousal suport and interm child custody/time-sharing plan if you have a good attorney. She was a good divorce attorney so she basically had a template ready to go. We just had to tweek it.

Now the rest of the divorce with custody, child support, etc cost me $40K and took 18 months.


----------



## Malaise

flyfishdoc said:


> Your correct ElEgirl I do access the hospital from home so I will have my attorney tomorrow put the fear of god in em.....that's a federal violation. 35k fine


I like this many times!

The fear of god is a good thing now and then, for WWs and rogue IT guys. Turn the screws.


----------



## SadandAngry

Don't touch the home computers for anything until you find out what the guy did to it. Make sure you don't tell him the real way you know. Maybe say you have a hidden camcorder in the house, or vars perhaps. Actually, in light of this, maybe some vars would be in order for your home.


----------



## happyman64

You know Doc, I had a buddy whose wife was very lost in the Affair fog that your wife is currently in.

She had left him and his 2 young daughters (both under 8) multiple times for POSOM.

She quit her job and stayed home as part of heir R. He still had a terrible feeling n his gut.

I told him to check his phone bills. She stopped using the cell but was using the ip phone in the home to talk to the POSOM. 

He was pretty upset but was afraid to pull any triggers.

I told him to hide a VAR in the kitchen and bedroom.

In a few days he knew enough to know his R was false, his wife was making plans to permanently run off into the sunset with DBag.

But he also realized his girls were being ignored by their mother.

He filed and D'd her in less than 90 days. He owned the house so she had to leave.

So protect yourself and document everything. There will come a time when you will have to truly expose your wife to family and mutual friends so they understand the level of deceit you dealt with.

The hell with her needs, emotions, feelings or now crappy reputation.

Defend yourself.

HM64


----------



## flyfishdoc

Well I'm home and she is stomping around like a toddler....is literally biting up the cell conversing with a new number I suspect is POSOM....heard her tell whoever I love you...it's a new unlisted
Got new pass protected router
Gonna keep up the heat


----------



## happyman64

Glad you are home.

Stay strong and cool.

Your wife is pretty far gone if she thinks a new number will throw you off because the "I love you"s" really give it away.

She really needs to leave.

When the Affair fog is this strong and blatant she will really start acting out.

Keep a VAR on you at all times and document everything just to protect yourself.

Amazing how stupid these waywards get......

And sad for your kids to have to witness this as well.

Just remember the opinion your children will form of you and your wife from this event will last a long time.

So be assertive, strong with your WW and protective of them.

HM64


----------



## TDSC60

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> I disagree. He might be able to discern her next steps and keep ahead of her by reading them.
> 
> This is war and her emails might contain battle plans.


Keep monitoring emails and I would save a copy to a thumbdrive or have them copied to a "Cloud" account that she cannot access.

Are you in an "at fault" State as far as divorce is concerned? If so, any proof you have of the affair will be useful in court.

Check with your lawyer about the legality of using her communication in court.

Edit: Whoops. Wrote this before seeing the part about her bringing in an IT person. Don't use the home computer. She is trying to set you up for something.


----------



## loveisforever

Try to cut your hours and pay.


----------



## flyfishdoc

why has she not filed yet? it has been a month since she told me she had been to her lawyers and they needed my finacial affadavit? I have seen nothing. Told her to tell her lawyer to call mine. nothing....
Decided I am gonna let her file first as she said she was and also so my kids will forever know SHE ended it...unless this drags on another month then i will file.
whats her angle? did her attorney wake her up since between her first and 2nd visits to him I exposed the affair?
Just trying to figure her game so I can stay 2 steps ahead


----------



## SadandAngry

Have you found out what the it fellow did to your computer at home?


----------



## survivorwife

flyfishdoc said:


> why has she not filed yet? it has been a month since she told me she had been to her lawyers and they needed my finacial affadavit? I have seen nothing. Told her to tell her lawyer to call mine. nothing....
> Decided I am gonna let her file first as she said she was and also so my kids will forever know SHE ended it...unless this drags on another month then i will file.
> whats her angle? *did her attorney wake her up since between her first and 2nd visits to him I exposed the affair?*
> Just trying to figure her game so I can stay 2 steps ahead


I think you just answered your own question. 

She wanted to file first. Then she realized (or her lawyer advised) that her affair was going to be a problem in regards to her getting what she wants. Now she has to think on it, or hope that you file first (which incidentally would put you in a better position with your evidence).

As for the kids, no matter who files first, it was SHE that ended the marriage by having the affair, right?


----------



## flyfishdoc

No. I just had my lawyer send a letter to him and put in a new pass protected router last night.....boy was she pissed between that and going to bank yesterday to find she had NO money. My lawyer said cutting the money will force her hand quicker....glad I did since when I got home I found a receipt from this week for a new Victorias secret bra.........


----------



## flyfishdoc

Yes your right Survivorwife. We live in a conservative area but it's no fault state. So the assets will be divided fifty fifty BUT her alimony claim just took a major hit


----------



## turnera

Are the kids going to stay with you?


----------



## SadandAngry

She may have had the guy keylog it in attempt to get your passwords, so don't use it until you know for sure. You should use your spare time to go have a chat to find out.


----------



## flyfishdoc

I am gonna use that as a weapon but would be willing to do 50-50 due to my work schedule. If I had them full time I would have to get a nanny...my lawyer has done it for a doctor in this town


----------



## turnera

I'd just like them to have their home they know as their primary residence, is all.


----------



## flyfishdoc

The hardest thing I am finding is doing the 180 with kids around...any advice? I am not being angry or hostile in my interactions with her but just short and to the point. I make a bit of small talk which yields curt answers from her seething with sarcasm. she stomps around the house like a toddler. It really is like watching an addict which has had their crackpipe taken away!
Should the kids see that? I am taking pains not to dis her to the kids. But Friday night is my sons HS football game and i DO NOT want to sit near her or really be there except for him.
So how to 180 around kids?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

flyfishdoc said:


> So how to 180 around kids?


Treat her the way you would treat an uninvited distant relative to your home. Not rude - but cold enough for them to know that they've overstayed their welcome.


----------



## Shaggy

Treat her like an employee. They don't get personal stuff, only to the point discussion on work.


----------



## SadandAngry

tdwal said:


> How do you keylog a router?


I mean the computer, not the router.


----------



## SadandAngry

flyfishdoc said:


> The hardest thing I am finding is doing the 180 with kids around...any advice? I am not being angry or hostile in my interactions with her but just short and to the point. I make a bit of small talk which yields curt answers from her seething with sarcasm. she stomps around the house like a toddler. It really is like watching an addict which has had their crackpipe taken away!
> Should the kids see that? I am taking pains not to dis her to the kids. But Friday night is my sons HS football game and i DO NOT want to sit near her or really be there except for him.
> So how to 180 around kids?


I think you should sit the kids down and let them know what you are doing when your doing 180. Why you're doing it, and how it is better than raging. Your kids are old enough to draw their own conclusions, they deserve to know what is happening.


----------



## flyfishdoc

I just don't understand the limbo....she said she wanted D, got caught redhanded, and now just wants to be a distant *****....
whats the point/payoff?


----------



## walkonmars

You said yourself that she's out of funds. Her lawyer, as another poster said, pointed out her position is weak. So out of spite, she'll stay at home and attempt to "make you pay" by being as obnoxious as she can be. Her pals are egging her on while they scheme of ways to screww you legally. 

Attempts are being made to demoralize you so that you screw up and do something illegal (strike her etc) or to just brow beat you so badly you'll concede and acquiesce to the agreement she and her lawyer devised but can't execute because of cheating. 

Just a thought but it seems that way to me.


----------



## SadandAngry

flyfishdoc said:


> I just don't understand the limbo....she said she wanted D, got caught redhanded, and now just wants to be a distant *****....
> whats the point/payoff?


You are a comfortable financier for her life style. She doesn't want to lose that.


----------



## Chris Taylor

flyfishdoc said:


> I just don't understand the limbo....she said she wanted D, got caught redhanded, and now just wants to be a distant *****....
> whats the point/payoff?


She wants you to leave the house so it looks like you "abandoned" the family. May not make a legal difference but it will look different to friends and family.


----------



## JCD

File and be done with it. Have the lawyer draft a request she vacate the property and have it given by a process server. There is no way in hell it will hold up and her lawyer will say she can't do that, but coincidently change the locks as well. She is messing with your mind. Mess with hers.

Go to the football game and sit where you darned well please! You don't owe your son your discomfort, just your support. And tell them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

JCD said:


> Go to the football game and sit where you darned well please! You don't owe your son your discomfort, just your support. And tell them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And go there with a date planned for later. Go there dressed for the date. Win win. You go out to enjoy the night and mess with her at the same time.


----------



## flyfishdoc

I like those ideas!!!


----------



## gdtm0111

I know I'm late answering the Router questions, but here's some quick info:

Routers come with a default factory password - if you haven't already changed it, check the manual and get it changed. I think it's usually:
username: admin (you may want to change this as well)
password: password


Most routers on your home network, can be connected thru IE or Firefox using the following address:
192.168.1.1 - for Linksys (I think others too)

ChrisT is right - do NOT move out.

As for dates, they can be fun and take your mind off things, but remember how that may look to your kids if they find out.


----------



## JCD

No dates
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sharkeey

flyfishdoc said:


> How can she make me leave my home and Children when she has been unfaithful and wants to end the marriage??


Because if she's the primary caregiver to your children, the courts will likely award her custody and possession of the marital residence, regardless of the reasons the marriage ended.

The courts rarely consider infidelity when making such decisions unless the children are at some sort of risk, for example if the wayward wife is spending so much time with the new boyfriend that the young children are neglected, or the new guy is a sex offender and poses a risk to the kids.

It happens all the time. The hard working husband earns the income, wife gets bored being home during the day, when the kids are at school she finds herself a guy, falls out of love with hubby, pulls the plug on the marriage and the next thing hard working hubby knows is that he's living in a small apartment giving most of his paycheck to wife who now has the new guy living in hubby's house using his lawnmower to cut the grass and maybe even having the kids calling him "Daddy".

Forget about "fair" when it comes to divorce after infidelity. 

It's all about damage control, cutting your losses, and moving on with your life.


----------



## TDSC60

flyfishdoc said:


> I just don't understand the limbo....she said she wanted D, got caught redhanded, and now just wants to be a distant *****....
> whats the point/payoff?


She is trying to find a way that will force you to pay as much as possible once the divorce is final. She is plotting and planning, but she has not come up with a plan that she thinks will work.

Having her file first means nothing. I don't know how old your kids are, but the ones HS age are old enough for the truth.

Don't wait too long. What general give the enemy extra time to get their battle plans completed? And it is as simple as that - what she wants is victory for her, defeat for you - she just hasn't figured it out yet.


----------



## WyshIknew

Frequently, therefore, the father will find himself banished to a poky studio flat, while his wife – and possibly even her lover – lives with his children in the house he paid for. And he will have to cough up maintenance for the children until they reach 17 (or 19 if in full-time education). Only at that far-off stage – providing this was written into the divorce settlement – will the matrimonial property be sold and the proceeds divided between him and his former wife.

This is from the UK, but I think it varies from state to state in the US.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

JCD said:


> No dates
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. However, put on your Sunday best and go to a local sports bar by yourself. She'll go crazy wondering what you're up to, and if she thinks you're dating so much the better.


----------



## jim123

flyfishdoc said:


> I just don't understand the limbo....she said she wanted D, got caught redhanded, and now just wants to be a distant *****....
> whats the point/payoff?


Even if you are in a no fault state there are advantages.

What can be the point.

Hide or protect assets
More common is to incur as much debt as possible.

You should file first to control this.

There are also advantages to being the petitioner.

Can get temp custody and temp control of housing.

Your side is told first setting the tone. You also get last chance to rebut.

Again it is state by state.

Do not fool around. She has nothing to loose in her mind. 

Take control.


----------



## happyman64

Actually what you should do is pay to have her served at the football game.

Or have her served at her boyfriends condo at the beach.

Then when your cell goes on fire from her texts, pull up with the kids and they can carry the hefty bags with her new bra onto the OM's driveway.

That is the way to kill 2 birds with one stone.

You need to out think her and embarrass her into reality.

Do not be Plan B Doc!


----------



## Malaise

TDSC60 said:


> She is trying to find a way that will force you to pay as much as possible once the divorce is final. She is plotting and planning, but she has not come up with a plan that she thinks will work.
> 
> Having her file first means nothing. *I don't know how old your kids are, but the ones HS age are old enough for the truth.*Don't wait too long. What general give the enemy extra time to get their battle plans completed? And it is as simple as that - what she wants is victory for her, defeat for you - she just hasn't figured it out yet.


:iagree:

I have always believed this. Tell the oldest children what's going on. They deserve the truth why the family is breaking up.


----------



## flyfishdoc

Im gonna keep up the pressure....she had 14 calls to POSOM today...how long does the fog last? variable I guess...


----------



## Will_Kane

flyfishdoc said:


> Im gonna keep up the pressure....she had 14 calls to POSOM today...*how long does the fog last?* variable I guess...


Until the affair ends or reality intrudes. When she actually goes to live with POSOM and she sees that he eats, too, and his dishes get dirty, too, and his bathrooms get dirty, too, and his house gets dirty, too, and he leaves his underwear on the floor, too.

I don't think she's coming back to you, though, doc. I think she's gone for good. She might quit POSOM, but I wouldn't hold my breath for an apology from her.


----------



## tom67

Just go ahead and file you stay in the house shr can move in with him. I think she's too far gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TDSC60

Will_Kane said:


> Until the affair ends or reality intrudes. When she actually goes to live with POSOM and she sees that he eats, too, and his dishes get dirty, too, and his bathrooms get dirty, too, and his house gets dirty, too, and he leaves his underwear on the floor, too.
> 
> I don't think she's coming back to you, though, doc. I think she's gone for good. She might quit POSOM, but I wouldn't hold my breath for an apology from her.


I agree.

The real question is - would you forgive her and take her back after what she has done?

It sounds like infidelity is a total deal breaker for you, no question.

I don't think I could have gotten over my wife's EA if it had turned physical.


----------



## happyman64

No matter what Doc keep up the pressure.

Let her move out.

All her calls to him just show you where her head is and her heart as well.

Everything will come to a head soon and then you can move forward.


It hurts but in the end you will be better off as well as your kids.

Because she is of no use to you or your children the way she is carrying on with the POSOM.


----------



## sharkeey

jim123 said:


> Even if you are in a no fault state there are advantages.
> 
> There are also advantages to being the petitioner.
> 
> Can get temp custody and temp control of housing.


^^ This is completely and utterly untrue. It's reckless and irresponsible for people to write this stuff without checking it for accuracy.

Being the petitioner does not increase the odds of getting temporary custody and control of the marital residence.


----------



## flyfishdoc

She will not talk to me....no explanation....even when confronted with the evidence and her telling my son all about POSOM.
I put on a good show but this is taking a toll on me too. I've lost 20 lbs in 4 weeks, can't sleep. Keep having the mind movies...
Get triggered whenever I see someone texting or I see a mercedes. Get triggered looking at the beach....her family now shunning me for exposing their darling daughter.....*****! It's more tolerable if one stays angry but that's not me....oh well been up 28 hrs working so now to get some sleep....


----------



## turnera

Who needs an explanation? You were supposed to let her eat cake. Instead, you went on a NUCLEAR exposure (not really recommended around here) and backed her up against a wall.

What did you expect? Kisses?


----------



## member2012

EleGirl said:


> My lawyer filed the initial divorce petition in 24 hours of me contacting her. The initial papework is not all that hard even with child support, interim spousal suport and interm child custody/time-sharing plan if you have a good attorney. She was a good divorce attorney so she basically had a template ready to go. We just had to tweek it.
> 
> Now the rest of the divorce with custody, child support, etc cost me $40K and took 18 months.


I think people need to understand this. A good attorney can file the same day. Just give them the word. I took one appointment with my attorney, and he said he could file that same day or any time coming up. All I had to do was give him a call anytime, and he would be able to file asap.


----------



## member2012

Turnera, I always got the feeling that everybody around here recommended full exposure. 
My husbands EA came to a stop once I did that. I wish I had done it from my initial Dday, but unfortunately I was trying to be discreet about it. Months later I had to expose anyway. I could have saved myself 4 months of the EA having gone deeper as well as underground if I had done it sooner.


----------



## TDSC60

flyfishdoc said:


> She will not talk to me....no explanation....even when confronted with the evidence and her telling my son all about POSOM.
> I put on a good show but this is taking a toll on me too. I've lost 20 lbs in 4 weeks, can't sleep. Keep having the mind movies...
> Get triggered whenever I see someone texting or I see a mercedes. Get triggered looking at the beach....her family now shunning me for exposing their darling daughter.....*****! It's more tolerable if one stays angry but that's not me....oh well been up 28 hrs working so now to get some sleep....


Her families reaction is not unusual. 

Your emotions will be a roller coaster for a while. Once you have had some rest, the anger will return. Triggers are going to happen, a lot, for a while.

Be strong and stay the course. She has checked out of the marriage and of course it is all going to be your fault. Refusing to talk to you shows you that she detached from you a long time ago. Time for you to let her go.

It may be hard for you to let go without knowing "why" she did what she did, but you are not going to get any answers from her. The truth is that she is just a selfish, entitled person who thinks that she is justified in doing whatever she wants regardless of the impact on other people.


----------



## turnera

member2012 said:


> Turnera, I always got the feeling that everybody around here recommended full exposure.


What we recommend is TARGETED exposure, to everyone whose respect the cheater cherishes. If he hasn't spoken to his mom in 20 years, it hardly matters (and could backfire) if you expose to his mom. But if he has a close relationship with his pastor, definitely tell the pastor. It's the shame they feel for disappointing people who they want to admire them that does it (hopefully). But if you go nuclear, and FB it and cheatersville it and call his entire family, it may be SO humiliating that he has no choice but to pretend he wanted to leave you all along. Do it to people to whom he won't mind approaching after he quits and admitting what he did wrong and ask them to forgive him.


----------



## the guy

When I wa going thru this crap, I looked at the triggers and mind movies as this little devil on my shoulder and the best why to get rid of it was by telling my self "I diserve good things" this montra forced those evil thought away.

Hell back in the day I was saying a hundred times and hour.


Find a montra that forces those evils thoughts out...thet will eat you alive if you let them in.

" YOU DISERVE GOOD THINGS"


----------



## flyfishdoc

Thanks TDSC60...u hit the nail on the head...
You can't try to diagnose her or be in her head cuz she's bat**** crazy. Thanks all for the advice!


----------



## TDSC60

flyfishdoc said:


> Thanks TDSC60...u hit the nail on the head...
> You can't try to diagnose her or be in her head cuz she's bat**** crazy. Thanks all for the advice!


"Batsh*t crazy" sounds like a reasonable diagnosis to me.


----------



## flyfishdoc

Not so much self doubt as fatigue . I have been 28 hours awake and at work while she's been running around gas lighting . Latest news is her favorite toxic hen came from oot yesterday...they are staying at beachouse in her family's compound and took my 12 yo daughter with them......daughter texted she wants to see me.....
This toxic hen ***** is my WWs controller...


----------



## TDSC60

Doc, if no one has mentioned it before, please get a VAR and keep it on you when you suspect that you might see or talk to WW.

Be careful of going to private property that is owned by a toxic friend of WW.

Text WW and see if you can meet at a public location (restaurant or hospital parking lot) to get your daughter.


----------



## flyfishdoc

It's my wifes family compound where she is holed up with toxic friend at the beachouse wife owns...they are taking my daughter with them to my sons hs football game tonite. Told my daughter I would see her tonite....i have my var on me. I will see my daughter.
What've bunch of chicken****s.....
This is the same beachouse I told ww to move to 2 weeks ago or move in with POSOm!


----------



## flyfishdoc

LOL, sleep sounds good!


----------



## naga75

flyfishdoc said:


> It's my wifes family compound where she is holed up with toxic friend at the beachouse wife owns...they are taking my daughter with them to my sons hs football game tonite. Told my daughter I would see her tonite....i have my var on me. I will see my daughter.
> What've bunch of chicken****s.....
> This is the same beachouse I told ww to move to 2 weeks ago or move in with POSOm!


You will find that chicken sh!tism
Is what this is all about. 
This is one of the stories i tell my WW "at least it didnt get this bad for us".
Keep plugging away. Youre still my hero.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

Go ahead t osee your children.
f0ck her and the bulldog she chose to defend her.
Go there with your head up.


----------



## SadandAngry

The fog will last for at least 2 months after she goes NC. Everytime she talks to him, it gets a bit mistier. It will take a long time and some nasty consequences before she sees the POSOM foe what he is. Cognitive dissonance is very powerful, and she has to accept what a POS she has become before she can do the same for him. Not easy to destroy your own self image so completely.


----------



## flyfishdoc

I feel so much better...tonite I went tonthe ball game dressed well.we sat separate. She hadvmy 12 yo daughter with her and toxic friend. Daughter textedvshe wantedvto sit with me . She asked her mom who made excusescand said no. So I went and stood atbthe bottom of the aisle and looked at stbxw.she could NOT look me in the eye. She for the first time looked so ****ing GUILTY. Saw a tear...my daughter rosecand was told no again so I stared more at het and friend. Nothing verbal, I'm 30 feet away. Daughter came with me and we had a good time.
Learned stbxw now has a burn phone shevkeeps in her lap constantly texting POSOM.
I felt NOTHING for her contempt.....she looked so sick in her addiction.
I did text hervshe needed to review the law before she tried to keep me from seeing my kids. I had not seen daughter in 2 days.
There. I feel better. Balls to the wall. He'll, I may go for full custody now!


----------



## walkonmars

Be THE ROCK! 

Fight the good fight. You're proving your mettle. Tempered in heat -but will emerge stronger than ever. 

Loved the cold enemotional stare-down. Just loved it! Had her twiddeling her thumbs with shaky hands wishing you'd look away to asuage her guilt enough to calm her hands & continue texting. 

Get your bad-self in front of a mirror, practice "the stare" take a self pic of it & text it to the queen of spades. 

She'll drop the phone!


----------



## turnera

Yeah, I liked the stare down too. Go for full custody and cite the OM's name in your court case. Let them work down from there. Is there anything you can use to hold over her head to get her to agree to a better settlement for you?


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

I feel sick reading these posts, how could a woman tell her daughter "no" when she just wants to run to her Dad, just because her vagina is in a conundrum over some other man.


----------



## Machiavelli

SpurnedLonelyHusband said:


> I feel sick reading these posts, how could a woman tell her daughter "no" when she just wants to run to her Dad, just because her vagina is in a conundrum over some other man.


Right, and it happens all the time.


----------



## member2012

turnera said:


> What we recommend is TARGETED exposure, to everyone whose respect the cheater cherishes. If he hasn't spoken to his mom in 20 years, it hardly matters (and could backfire) if you expose to his mom. But if he has a close relationship with his pastor, definitely tell the pastor. It's the shame they feel for disappointing people who they want to admire them that does it (hopefully). But if you go nuclear, and FB it and cheatersville it and call his entire family, it may be SO humiliating that he has no choice but to pretend he wanted to leave you all along. Do it to people to whom he won't mind approaching after he quits and admitting what he did wrong and ask them to forgive him.


I agree and understand that point. I also think though, that once you start to tell a couple of people, it ends up getting out everywhere anyway. 
It can be hard to reconcile as well when the very people that find out are the same people who want you, the innocent spouse to walk away from the marriage as well.


----------



## flyfishdoc

Since I found out aboutbthe burn phone, I turned off her regular cell. Told her if the kids need hervthey can call the boyfriend line


----------



## EleGirl

flyfishdoc said:


> Since I found out aboutbthe burn phone, I turned off her regular cell. Told her if the kids need hervthey can call the boyfriend line


LOL... did she reply to that?


----------



## happyman64

flyfishdoc said:


> Since I found out aboutbthe burn phone, I turned off her regular cell. Told her if the kids need hervthey can call the boyfriend line


Like I said Doc keep up the pressure.

And never settle with her while she is pulling these antics.

You are seeing the Affair fog in full force.

It is very sad but worse than that you are seeing how stupid and selfish it is making your wife act.

Are you both still in the house together?

And I agree with filing for full custody and naming POSOM in the divorce filing.

Turnera is right that it is a great place to start. And it gives your WW a slap across her face where and when she needs it most.

Stay tough Doc. Your kids really need you to be there for them now. They need to know you love, care and are willing to fight for them!

HM64


----------



## SadandAngry

You are awesome Doc!


----------



## Acabado

Save your daughter's txts asking to sit with you. Document everything. Don't repond her texts in anger, delay responses so you are sure you don't shoot in your feet with your texts. 

Separation/Divorce is enough stress for the children but shoving OM down their throats is just horrible. Still trying to force STBXW to keep OM away from your children is probably futile no matter how hard you try. I asume your wife already introduced OM to the children as her new "friend". Still you can make your intentions known in the papers. From what I've read morality clauses are almost always disobeyed by waywards.


----------



## flyfishdoc

What a day. Var yields this has been planned for a while...cooked by her and toxic hen...I was not supposed to find out about the affair and was supposed to leave 4 weeks ago when she said she wanted a quickie divorce....so he could move in! No ****...has condo lease is up
They are gonna try and cook a domestic violence claim on me to get me gone. Hens husband is supposed to come tonight and CONFRONT me about allegedly harassing her....I've already spoken to my lawyer
My var is on.
If that dont work plan b for them is she is MOVING. But she's broke now and calling her lawyervtoday...
God, you can't make this **** up!
U should hear her voice, cold, calculating...what a fool I was


----------



## ScubaSteve61

flyfishdoc said:


> What a day. Var yields this has been planned for a while...cooked by her and toxic hen...I was not supposed to find out about the affair and was supposed to leave 4 weeks ago when she said she wanted a quickie divorce....so he could move in! No ****...has condo lease is up
> They are gonna try and cook a domestic violence claim on me to get me gone. Hens husband is supposed to come tonight and CONFRONT me about allegedly harassing her....I've already spoken to my lawyer
> My var is on.
> If that dont work plan b for them is she is MOVING. But she's broke now and calling her lawyervtoday...
> God, you can't make this **** up!
> U should hear her voice, cold, calculating...what a fool I was


Ouch, man... Ouch. Make sure you cover your ass!


----------



## SadandAngry

Make sure you are backing up all the recordings, and saving copies off site, preferably multiple copies.

Too bad you can't play the tape for the patsy tonight. You don't want to blow the access to her true thoughts, but it would be great to show him what a fool they are playing him for too.

Sorry this is happening to you Doc, you don't deserve it.


----------



## WyshIknew

SadandAngry said:


> Make sure you are backing up all the recordings, and saving copies off site, preferably multiple copies.
> 
> Too bad you can't play the tape for the patsy tonight. You don't want to blow the access to her true thoughts, but it would be great to show him what a fool they are playing him for too.
> 
> Sorry this is happening to you Doc, you don't deserve it.


You're assuming that he is a patsy. He could be just another piece of pond scum from the slime collection at the other house.


----------



## SadSamIAm

flyfishdoc said:


> What a day. Var yields this has been planned for a while...cooked by her and toxic hen...I was not supposed to find out about the affair and was supposed to leave 4 weeks ago when she said she wanted a quickie divorce....so he could move in! No ****...has condo lease is up
> They are gonna try and cook a domestic violence claim on me to get me gone. Hens husband is supposed to come tonight and CONFRONT me about allegedly harassing her....I've already spoken to my lawyer
> My var is on.
> If that dont work plan b for them is she is MOVING. But she's broke now and calling her lawyervtoday...
> God, you can't make this **** up!
> U should hear her voice, cold, calculating...what a fool I was


Is there anyway you could have someone with you when the 'hens husband' confronts you? 

Just sounds like a situation that could turn ugly. I know you have the VAR, but just in case it malfunctions, your you get ganged up on. 

All the best, sorry this is happening to you.


----------



## SadandAngry

WyshIknew said:


> You're assuming that he is a patsy. He could be just another piece of pond scum from the slime collection at the other house.


True.


----------



## flyfishdoc

I'm gonn have my 22 yr old son with me...what's planned and knows not to react at all
Guess where stbxw spent thevday? At church of course. With toxic hen and they had POSOM make a cameo....
Boy it's all I can do not to go to mass in am and start playing the tapes....I swear I'm not makingbthis **** up!


----------



## flyfishdoc

I do wish every husband who thinks his wife is cheating could hear these tapes


----------



## TDSC60

flyfishdoc said:


> I do wish every husband who thinks his wife is cheating could hear these tapes


If the toxic husband does show up, don't invite him into your home. Don't argue with him and don't get into a discussion with him.

Just ask him why he is there at the door and when he says to discuss something your wife told him just say "I'm not interested" and close the door.

If he continues to ring or knock, tell him one time to leave your property, then call the police.


----------



## walkonmars

Be proactive. Call the police right now and tell them you have reason to believe you'll be accosted at your home tonight. Tell them to have someone on standby as you'll call as soon as he shows up. Tell them your lawyer knows and that you have children at home.


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

flyfishdoc said:


> What a day. Var yields this has been planned for a while...cooked by her and toxic hen...I was not supposed to find out about the affair and was supposed to leave 4 weeks ago when she said she wanted a quickie divorce....so he could move in! No ****...has condo lease is up
> They are gonna try and cook a domestic violence claim on me to get me gone. Hens husband is supposed to come tonight and CONFRONT me about allegedly harassing her....I've already spoken to my lawyer
> My var is on.
> If that dont work plan b for them is she is MOVING. But she's broke now and calling her lawyervtoday...
> God, you can't make this **** up!
> U should hear her voice, cold, calculating...what a fool I was


Pure, unadulterated evil.

How clear are the VAR recordings? Are they able to be used in court as evidence WHEN (not if) she tries to destroy you with claims of domestic violence.

Dear God, I would be working with my Lawyer/Lawyers feverishly behind the scenes right now to defend myself, and entrap her/record as much incriminating evidence as I could, all with a poker face so she doesn't know she has been rumbled.

As well, surely if she makes false accusations of assault etc, and you have evidence of her CONSPIRING with her poisonous friend to do so, is that not a criminal offence?


----------



## tom67

Jkw4338 said:


> It is conspiracy and is a criminal offense.


That's good the lawyer knows but let the police know I don't know if they'll get involved but atleast there will be a record of you calling ahead of time. Heck maybe with all this proof, you sue the toxic couple civilly I'm sure your lawyer could think of something.


----------



## MattMatt

tom67 said:


> That's good the lawyer knows but let the police know I don't know if they'll get involved but atleast there will be a record of you calling ahead of time. Heck maybe with all this proof, you sue the toxic couple civilly I'm sure your lawyer could think of something.


The toxic friend, her husband and your exwb could be charged with conspiracy. As, perhaps, could the OM.


----------



## walkonmars

MattMatt said:


> The toxic friend, her husband and your exwb could be charged with conspiracy. As, perhaps, could the OM.


Wouldn't that be just peachy!


----------



## MattMatt

walkonmars said:


> Wouldn't that be just peachy!


It would, indeed.
http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/catholicism-excommunication-and-other-penalties.html
Catholicism and the Ten Commandments - For Dummies

As Doc mentioned the Mass, I assumed WW is Catholic. If not, the above links are not relevant.


----------



## Malaise

MattMatt said:


> It would, indeed.
> Catholicism: Excommunication and Other Penalties - For Dummies
> Catholicism and the Ten Commandments - For Dummies
> 
> As Doc mentioned the Mass, I assumed WW is Catholic. If not, the above links are not relevant.


If she is so devout as to give out communion as a lay person, how does she reconcile her adultery with church teachings?

Major hypocrisy.

Announce that to the congregation, see how that is received.


----------



## JCD

Too bad an assistant DA can't have a 'Come to Jesus' meeting with this crew.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

JCD said:


> Too bad an assistant DA can't have a 'Come to Jesus' meeting with this crew.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, now, that's just raised an idea in my mind.

Are toxic people ever toxic in one way, only? Hardly ever.

So, it is possible they are cheating on expenses, cheating on taxes, etc. Use special cheat lines to report them. It's amazing what can be turned up...


----------



## naga75

Holy crap i thought my wife was bad, well she was i guess at the time, but DAAAAAAMM man you married an evil b!tch!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## walkonmars

Malaise said:


> If she is so devout as to give out communion as a lay person, how does she reconcile her adultery with church teachings?
> 
> Major hypocrisy.
> 
> Announce that to the congregation, see how that is received.


Yeah but about 1/3 of the congregation will be squirming in their seat! Don't get me wrong, I'm a practicing catholic. I won't say 'devout' cause I don't know what that really means. And when I hear someone saying they're devout I mentally roll my eyes.


----------



## Malaise

walkonmars said:


> Yeah but about 1/3 of the congregation will be squirming in their seat! Don't get me wrong, I'm a practicing catholic. I won't say 'devout' cause I don't know what that really means. And when I hear someone saying they're devout I mentally roll my eyes.


I'm a lapsed Catholic for a number of reasons.

My take is that, as Op says, she gives out the Host at Mass then she portrays herself as more than she is.

That should be made public.


----------



## walkonmars

Malaise said:


> I'm a lapsed Catholic for a number of reasons.
> 
> My take is that, as Op says, she gives out the Host at Mass then she portrays herself as more than she is.
> 
> That should be made public.


That's a good idea. He should have a chat with the head Eucharistic Minister. There ARE minimal requirements to be one. 

1. baptized
2. confirmed
3. not involved in adultery (not divorced)

In fact it is a mortal sin to accept holy communion unless in a state of repentance. 

Yeah, talk to the minister. Full bore.


----------



## MattMatt

Camarillo Brillo said:


> I'm on pins and needles tonight. Can't wait for the next update.


I just hope the Toxic Friend's Husband thinks better of this stupid plan and stays away.


----------



## flyfishdoc

Well neither POSOM or toxic husband appeared....I think there just gonna go with plan b on Monday when she tries to get moneybto move.
At least toxic friend left
Had a nice dinnervwith my kids
I don't get is when listening to thevtapes she still whispers with POSOM, I mean like whats the point anymore, everybody knows.....


----------



## flyfishdoc

And she knows we all know......


----------



## MattMatt

flyfishdoc said:


> And she knows we all know......


But she can't admit that to herself. Because then she would have to acknowledge to herself that she is an adulteress.

Having a fling, caught in the moment, just having some fun are OK. (In the wayward's mind) but too much self-knowledge can damage the carefully created firewalls of the mind. Compartmentalisation is good, but only so long as the walls remain solid.

By the way, just because Team Toxic didn't come tonight, doesn't mean they will not come at all.


----------



## walkonmars

MattMatt said:


> But she can't admit that to herself. Because then she would have to acknowledge to herself that she is an adulteress.
> 
> Having a fling, caught in the moment, just having some fun are OK. (In the wayward's mind) but too much self-knowledge can damage the carefully created firewalls of the mind. Compartmentalisation is good, but only so long as the walls remain solid.
> 
> By the way, just because Team Toxic didn't come tonight, doesn't mean they will not come at all.



Wouldn't put it past them to launch a surprise visit in the wee smalls just to catch you off guard and in a sleep-induced stupor - less likely to act rationally. Keep the VAR close.


----------



## MattMatt

walkonmars said:


> Wouldn't put it past them to launch a surprise visit in the wee smalls just to catch you off guard and in a sleep-induced stupor - less likely to act rationally. Keep the VAR close.


And a mobile phone even closer...


----------



## flyfishdoc

Yep my var at bedside with cell as well. Can't wait for tomorrows tapes.
Ate my first full meal tonite at D day plus 9
I lost 25 lbs in 4 weeks
My horoscope for today said I would find something I lost ....I did...my self respect!


----------



## walkonmars

flyfishdoc said:


> Yep my var at bedside with cell as well. Can't wait for tomorrows tapes.
> Ate my first full meal tonite at D day plus 9
> I lost 25 lbs in 4 weeks
> My horoscope for today said I would find something* I lost ....I did...my self respect!*


Doubt it. You've always had yours. And I know that wasn't her horoscope - at least as it relates to 'self-respect'.


----------



## Acabado

I don't find anywhere in your thread you ever lost your self respect. Quite the contrary.


----------



## flyfishdoc

Thanks walkonmars! U r correct


----------



## SadandAngry

flyfishdoc said:


> Yep my var at bedside with cell as well. Can't wait for tomorrows tapes.
> Ate my first full meal tonite at D day plus 9
> I lost 25 lbs in 4 weeks
> My horoscope for today said I would find something I lost ....I did...my self respect!


Lol, the first 25 dropped off me in a week, 15 more the second week. It's a hell of a way to lose weight though!


----------



## MattMatt

flyfishdoc said:


> Yep my var at bedside with cell as well. Can't wait for tomorrows tapes.
> Ate my first full meal tonite at D day plus 9
> I lost 25 lbs in 4 weeks
> My horoscope for today said I would find something I lost ....I did...my self respect!


Is it self-respect we lose, or is it a sense of self? 

I am her husband. Oh, no, wait. She has taken a lover. So that means I am no longer her husband? Oh. If that's the case, just who am I, now? What am I?


----------



## JCD

MattMatt said:


> Is it self-respect we lose, or is it a sense of self?
> 
> I am her husband. Oh, no, wait. She has taken a lover. So that means I am no longer her husband? Oh. If that's the case, just who am I, now? What am I?


Someone leaving?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

JCD said:


> Someone leaving?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Leaving? That's *her* job. With a BADS (Boot Assisted Delivery System).


----------



## jim123

flyfishdoc said:


> Well neither POSOM or toxic husband appeared....I think there just gonna go with plan b on Monday when she tries to get moneybto move.
> At least toxic friend left
> Had a nice dinnervwith my kids
> I don't get is when listening to thevtapes she still whispers with POSOM, I mean like whats the point anymore, everybody knows.....


If this whole thing does not get you to file, I do not know what to tell you. You are playing with someone who is not stable and blinded by her affair. File Monday and get your story in a court filing. It will stop the games.


----------



## flyfishdoc

I wonder if in the future will she ever feel any remorse.feel any pain for the pain she caused her children?
See how low she stooped...
I take comfort that statistically only 10 percent of these affairs turn into a lasting relationship.
I want her to feel our pain!


----------



## EleGirl

Just because the trumped up domestic violence charges did not happen tonight does not mean it will not. So be very careful. Keeping that VAR on all the time is very important.


----------



## turnera

You're printing out all your proof, right? And keeping copies of it in another building?


----------



## happyman64

flyfishdoc said:


> I wonder if in the future will she ever feel any remorse.feel any pain for the pain she caused her children?
> See how low she stooped...
> I take comfort that statistically only 10 percent of these affairs turn into a lasting relationship.
> I want her to feel our pain!


Oh Doc,

She will feel the pain.

When she wonders why her kids do not want to be around her anymore.

When her kids do not want a relationship with the OM. And she wonders why?

When she can no longer attend mass or receive communion because she is an adulterer and divorcee.

When she wonders why you hate her or no longer want any type of relationship with her.

When she realizes her toxic friend is no friend at all.

When she realizes her entire family knows what she did to you and the kids and wonder what is wrong with her.

Should I keep going Doc?

Oh she will feel the pain someday.

The key is not to be around for her when she finally realizes what she lost and that she did it all for a Posom loser!!!

Stay on top of her Doc and three steps ahead of her.

And get plenty of Hefty trash bags for her crap.....


HM64


----------



## walkonmars

flyfishdoc said:


> I wonder if in the future will she ever feel any remorse.feel any pain for the pain she caused her children?
> 
> 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tEJVSRzFi8&feature=youtube_gdata_player


----------



## kenmoore14217

I doubt this very much:

"I wonder if in the future will she ever feel any remorse.feel any pain for the pain she caused her children?
See how low she stooped...
I take comfort that statistically only 10 percent of these affairs turn into a lasting relationship.
I want her to feel our pain!"

People of this character can never be honest even with themselves. She will grow bitter and think everyone is out to GET her! The fault will NEVER be because of her and yet EVERYTHING IS because of her.


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

flyfishdoc said:


> I wonder if in the future will she ever feel any remorse.feel any pain for the pain she caused her children?
> See how low she stooped...
> I take comfort that statistically only 10 percent of these affairs turn into a lasting relationship.
> I want her to feel our pain!


Bro, who gives a sh*t, right now you have more pressing concerns than Emo pontifications on whether or not she may eventually feel your pain. 

RIGHT NOW you are in a knife fight in the dark in a locked room, with a cold remorseless killer, that you KNOW wants to kill you and drink your blood.

You better wake up fast, and start preparing & defending yourself, otherwise things are going to be grim for you.


----------



## jim123

flyfishdoc said:


> I wonder if in the future will she ever feel any remorse.feel any pain for the pain she caused her children?
> See how low she stooped...
> I take comfort that statistically only 10 percent of these affairs turn into a lasting relationship.
> I want her to feel our pain!


She will feel remorse. You number of 10% is too high. 80% of affairs do not go long term. Of the 20% that go into marriage, the D rate is 90%. She has a 2-2.5% chance with this guy.

There are more good women than men. She is a year or two ahead of you so do not compare. She can have more partners than you but you have a much greater chance of a LTR. She has a little over 50% chance of getting married again.

In a few years your life will be much better than it has over these last few years. You will have someone who appreciates you. If you learned from this and made changes in yourself, you will find your soul mate.

Don't spend your life hating her, do ler her win, do not make her right.

The next phase of your life starts now.


----------



## Machiavelli

Malaise said:


> If she is so devout as to give out communion as a lay person, how does she reconcile her adultery with church teachings?
> 
> Major hypocrisy.


From Roman Catholic to hard shell Baptist and on to Pentecostalism, the female Rationalization Hamster trumps all scripture. It's no accident that the Rabbis, remember the Ten Commandments came from Moses, trace lineage through the mother and just hope the sperm donor was from a good family. After all, who knows who the real father is?


----------



## Machiavelli

flyfishdoc said:


> Well neither POSOM or toxic husband appeared....I think there just gonna go with plan b on Monday when she tries to get moneybto move.
> At least toxic friend left


They probably had a swinger's party or a meth orgy to attend.


----------



## Machiavelli

flyfishdoc said:


> *I wonder if in the future will she ever feel any remorse.feel any pain for the pain she caused her children?*
> See how low she stooped...
> I take comfort that statistically only 10 percent of these affairs turn into a lasting relationship.
> I want her to feel our pain!


Sorry, but she probably won't. Some do, but being reflective and self-aware is uncommon in all people anyway. When you've got a situation like this? She'll always be self-justified, because she has to build that legal case in her mind (hamster) to live with herself. It's a shame she set off a nuke that damaged or at least scarred everyone in her family forever, but it had to be done. She deserves to be haaaapy and everything else is mere collateral damage.


----------



## flyfishdoc

Thanks jim123....last night was hard. The nights always are .

But the sun comes up! I confronted the ***** about having POSOM meet her at church yesterday. Told her that was not acceptable..she said OKOK....got my first admission of guilt..told her he was not to be around my children period. Emailed to the priest as well...
Told her if she thought she was gonna take my house,kids,money and slide POSOM in, that it was not going to happen! 
She said our divorce was just between us 2. I said, nope, YOU inserted a 3rd party into our marriage.
Spoke with lawyer this am...plan a is force her to move this week and let POSOM come play house with her....a supportive relationship or plan b, let her force me out, POSOM moves in and I quit payingbthe mortgage....
The war of attrition. So far after the nuclear exposure I have denied the enemy of money. Her commo is compromised. I'm now baiting her to go sing to POSOM and poison friend while I listen in....it's like the siege of Stalingrad....
Spurned Lonely Husband...I don't care about her feelings except I want her to crash and burn and realize what a stupidv***** she has been...I want her to feel the pain she caused her children and I
She can eat **** and die


----------



## the guy

Thank God for VAR's!

Now it appears you are one step a head of her, so now shut up, your boundries have been said now listen and wait.

The more you engage her the less of a chance you are to be *several* steps ahead of her. Get it? Each time you confront her the more you reveal, no wonder she still whispers when talking with POSOM. That and plus talking at a normal level is to much like reality. 

It sound like she wants to keep this fantasy and excitement going as long as possible hence the whispering. You'l know when the fantasy starts to fade when they no longer whisper...hell they actually will start fighting.....I regress this POSOM will do what ever it takes to use your wife and keep her happy, at least until he finds a place to live.

Again time to cool down and stop showing your cards, but prepare for what the recordings reveal. I am affraid the more you engage her the more info you reveal.

The POSOM lease is up you are in a very dangerous place until she moves out. So please walk softly but carry a big stick. set your speed dail for 911 and maybe get some pen cams....something that will raise your security/protection level.


----------



## jim123

flyfishdoc said:


> Thanks jim123....last night was hard. The nights always are .
> 
> But the sun comes up! I confronted the ***** about having POSOM meet her at church yesterday. Told her that was not acceptable..she said OKOK....got my first admission of guilt..told her he was not to be around my children period. Emailed to the priest as well...
> Told her if she thought she was gonna take my house,kids,money and slide POSOM in, that it was not going to happen!
> She said our divorce was just between us 2. I said, nope, YOU inserted a 3rd party into our marriage.
> Spoke with lawyer this am...plan a is force her to move this week and let POSOM come play house with her....a supportive relationship or plan b, let her force me out, POSOM moves in and I quit payingbthe mortgage....
> The war of attrition. So far after the nuclear exposure I have denied the enemy of money. Her commo is compromised. I'm now baiting her to go sing to POSOM and poison friend while I listen in....it's like the siege of Stalingrad....
> Spurned Lonely Husband...I don't care about her feelings except I want her to crash and burn and realize what a stupidv***** she has been...I want her to feel the pain she caused her children and I
> She can eat **** and die


Get into a position of control then negotiate. That is really what the 180 is
talking about. This is not Stalingrad, it is more like the Pacific. You eliminate options and bomb the hell out of her. She is the one who messed up, there is no reason for the full out assault.

File D to take away options and the game play. The court is against you. Also filing will give you freedom. You are not allowing her to treat you like this, you are not allowing you wife to act this way in marriage.

Men are never seen as victims. You need to appear strong and confident. That is what good men are, that is what good husbands are. Do not be embarressed, be angry.

Put out to the world your story. Do not let her paint herself as the hapeless wife who had no choice but to do what she did. In the end no one likes or trust a cheater. Even the toxic friend. Overtime toxic friend will not want her husband around her either.


----------



## walkonmars

I'm impressed and amazed at your ability to continually make well-reasoned decisions under such stress inducing circumstances. 

Too many people in your position are shell-shocked and paralyzed to inactivity and passivity. 

You need to keep your physical health up. Don't dwell on these issues all day. 

Clear your head with exercise. As attractive as thoughts of retribution are, don't waste too much energy on those thoughts. It can detract from your prime objective. 

Keeping the good thoughts.


----------



## flyfishdoc

Thanksvforbthe feedback...I likebthe battle of the pacific...I'm gonna go darkn NC with her.
Gonna gonwalk on the beach and hit the gym
LOL...I heradvhervsay she was frustratedvshe didn't have any "intel" her words not mine....stupi *****!


----------



## the guy

Might be a good time to provide her with some disinformation, like sending her parents an email telling them that you want the marriage to work and want to make her happy and fogive her completely...LOL 

Just kidding, stay dark, not only will it help protect your emotional well being but it will also prevent you from going off and telling her something you don't want her to know about.

If anything, let others see you positive and happy. This tactic will show how confident you are and when it gets back to your WW it will piss her off even more.

So if any one asks you tell them you are doing great and what a huge wieght has been lifted off you now that she has another man to deal with her problems. So keep smiling and fake until you make it!


----------



## flyfishdoc

Well the disinformation plan has begun....last nite I went to stbxw and told her I had a change of heart....fired my lawyer....wantbto settle asap because I love her stll.......
Don't worry, it's all bull****! My lawyer is in on it
Stbxw ran to attorneys office to work on papers today. I'm away for 24 hrs and left VARs her favorite haunts to review in am.
It's killing her that her kids know she's a ***** concerning the affair she is spinning isn't happening. Of course, I was told all of that was all my fault....
So let her show her hand....which is going straight to my lawyers office.
She's gonna **** when she finds out about the tapes of her and POSOM.......stupid *****
I know it's a no fault state and she's gonna get a lot from me but I will always have the moral victory of having my kids support as well as finally revealing to her that she didn't put one over on me. I just wonder how long she will continue this facade with POSOM which is almost laughable since everybody knows?


----------



## BookOfJob

flyfishdoc said:


> I know it's a no fault state and she's gonna get a lot from me but I will always have the moral victory of having my kids support as well as finally revealing to her that she didn't put one over on me. I just wonder how long she will continue this facade with POSOM which is almost laughable since everybody knows?


Doc, IMO, just euphimize a little when you tell the kids just enough to win their support, not too much character assassination. I believe in the long run, you want the kids to grow complete mentally. I read somewhere they are programmed to know 'some' of their mother is in them.

You're doing good, Doc.


----------



## happyman64

flyfishdoc said:


> Well the disinformation plan has begun....last nite I went to stbxw and told her I had a change of heart....fired my lawyer....wantbto settle asap because I love her stll.......
> Don't worry, it's all bull****! My lawyer is in on it
> Stbxw ran to attorneys office to work on papers today. I'm away for 24 hrs and left VARs her favorite haunts to review in am.
> It's killing her that her kids know she's a ***** concerning the affair she is spinning isn't happening. Of course, I was told all of that was all my fault....
> So let her show her hand....which is going straight to my lawyers office.
> She's gonna **** when she finds out about the tapes of her and POSOM.......stupid *****
> I know it's a no fault state and she's gonna get a lot from me but I will always have the moral victory of having my kids support as well as finally revealing to her that she didn't put one over on me. I just wonder how long she will continue this facade with POSOM which is almost laughable since everybody knows?


Doc,

Not to be mean but was your wife always this dumb or is this the affair fog that is making her act so stupid???

HM64


----------



## alphaomega

Doc?

Have you ever lost a patient? I mean one that you worked really hard to cure but in the end, nature just took its toll regardless of everything you did? And if you just did that one more thing, in hindsight, maybe it would have made a difference?

The reason I ask, is that you need to take this time....this experience of the shat storm your in with your marriage, to not only hate but to self respect on yourself and make yourself better and stronger..,,for the future.

As ironic as it seems, this also needs to be a time of sef reflection. Time for you to take a step back from all the crap that's happening and think about your future. The kind of man you will be after all ths shat plays out...and the experience you will gain to make your next relationship stronger and more secure with your partner.

You know.....the one where after a nice dinner date turns into a random blow job in your car. Then, turns into some freaky monkey a$$ sex with handcuffs and other cool toys after the next date? The one where you are so perfectly mixed with alpha and beta qualities that the woman practically wants to please you any way you wish? And also realizes that your a great man and gets shown the respect that a relationship should have.


What I'm getting at is, yes, you are going to have to be tough to get through this crap your wife is putting you through right now.....but don't let it fully consume you. Also use this time, as crappy as it is, to grow and make yourself better in all ways possible. 

Don't get soft...but don't get hard....if you know what I mean.

Like losing that patient....you used that time to make yourself a better doctor. Use this time to also make yourself a better man.

I realize that d day has been very recent....but don't forget these words. Always grow.....and grow all ways.


----------



## flyfishdoc

Happyman..that's what amazes me aboutbthis affair fog.....stbxw was never this stupid before theblast 9 months....onebof thevreasonsbi chosebher to be my wife was she never played any stupid games.until now....this is her alien evil twin whom I did not know existed......it's like the exorcist. She can't think I'm that stupid...but I realize she is not thinking.....she is an addict and her drug is POSOM
Alphaomega...so right your words


----------



## Malaise

I would love to see her face when you reveal all that you know and she realizes how epic was her failure.

And the kids know the truth? All of it I hope (at least the eldest, they can tell the younger sibs in the future)

And please say that the Church officials know all too. 

Spread the joy.


----------



## happyman64

Yeah Doc.

She is badly in the fog.

In a few months or a year all of her horrible actions are going to hit her like a sledgehammer.

We have seen it before.

Is she on any kind of drugs or antidepressants?

And when it all hits her you do not want to be there or around her.

Nor the kids....


----------



## flyfishdoc

Our priest called her Sunday night and she gaslighted.....but she keeps digging hole deeper...deeper....denied....denied priest knows evidence I have

Heading home to retrieve VARs.....been at hospital for 24 hours


----------



## Malaise

flyfishdoc said:


> Our priest called her Sunday night and she gaslighted.....but she keeps digging hole deeper...deeper....denied....denied priest knows evidence I have
> 
> Heading home to retrieve VARs.....been at hospital for 24 hours


Let her keep lying to the priest. When it all blows up she'll have burned too many bridges to recover.

She's self destructing. Destroying her life over what? Will POSOM be there for her when she hits bottom. Somehow I doubt it.


----------



## EleGirl

flyfishdoc said:


> Well the disinformation plan has begun....last nite I went to stbxw and told her I had a change of heart....fired my lawyer....wantbto settle asap because I love her stll.......
> Don't worry, it's all bull****! My lawyer is in on it
> Stbxw ran to attorneys office to work on papers today. I'm away for 24 hrs and left VARs her favorite haunts to review in am.
> It's killing her that her kids know she's a ***** concerning the affair she is spinning isn't happening. Of course, I was told all of that was all my fault....
> So let her show her hand....which is going straight to my lawyers office.
> She's gonna **** when she finds out about the tapes of her and POSOM.......stupid *****
> I know it's a no fault state and she's gonna get a lot from me but I will always have the moral victory of having my kids support as well as finally revealing to her that she didn't put one over on me. I just wonder how long she will continue this facade with POSOM which is almost laughable since everybody knows?


Um, really.. do not let her know about the tapes. You need to check your state laws. I'm pretty sure that in every state in the union at least one party in a taped conversation has to consent to the taping. In many states all parties do.

This is not something you want to let her know. She could get a court order to have you kicked out of your house if she can prove to a judge that you are taping her.


----------



## Acabado

Very careful about the tapes. Get info from your lawyer.


----------



## happyman64

Acabado said:


> Very careful about the tapes. Get info from your lawyer.


While you play your lawyer he Vars he can advise you!!!

Stay 2 steps ahead of her.


----------



## Machiavelli

EleGirl said:


> Um, really.. do not let her know about the tapes. You need to check your state laws. I'm pretty sure that in every state in the union at least one party in a taped conversation has to consent to the taping. In many states all parties do.
> 
> This is not something you want to let her know. She could get a court order to have you kicked out of your house if she can prove to a judge that you are taping her.


He's way too smart to reveal his sources. Anyway, no woman with grown kids wants to have those transcripts put into the court record. It makes all too real for the hamster to deal with.


----------



## flyfishdoc

Came home 0800...stbxw being a *****...says she is going to lawyers
I run errands come home...she says her lawyer advised her to take me to lunch and negotiate it all out.....
She wants to keep it out of courts...says her lawyer wil do it all for 1500 bucks and be done in 30 days.
She offers me kids 50/50 . Wants half my retirement, split the debt 50/50 and permanent alimony of half my income.
Still gas lighting....told her I know about what she been up to?.she's so into this gas lighting it's as if she believes it..I told her we would talk more later.....she looks frail,tired,gaunt. I told her she could callnhim freely, no more need to whisper and sneak about.....
WTF?? Do I look stupid?
The fact the kids don't like her anymore is killing her....
Time to stall for a while then keep up the pressure
Then move in for the final victory


----------



## livinfree

Of course she wants it out of courts, those demands are ludicrous.

Yes, 'they' think we're chumps, and stupid. Mine thought nothing of toking it up while my minor son and friend were in the house this past weekend.


----------



## In_The_Wind

flyfishdoc said:


> Came home 0800...stbxw being a *****...says she is going to lawyers
> I run errands come home...she says her lawyer advised her to take me to lunch and negotiate it all out.....
> She wants to keep it out of courts...says her lawyer wil do it all for 1500 bucks and be done in 30 days.
> She offers me kids 50/50 . Wants half my retirement, split the debt 50/50 and permanent alimony of half my income.
> Still gas lighting....told her I know about what she been up to?.she's so into this gas lighting it's as if she believes it..I told her we would talk more later.....she looks frail,tired,gaunt. I told her she could callnhim freely, no more need to whisper and sneak about.....
> WTF?? Do I look stupid?
> The fact the kids don't like her anymore is killing her....
> Time to stall for a while then keep up the pressure
> Then move in for the final victory


If she doesnt remarry are you obligated to pay alimony forever ??? I am from texas and we dont do that i believe just asking


----------



## tom67

politely tell her lawyer to call yours leave it at that the less you say the better doc. She will self destruct in no time.


----------



## warlock07

Machiavelli said:


> He's way too smart to reveal his sources. Anyway, no woman with grown kids wants to have those transcripts put into the court record. It makes all too real for the hamster to deal with.


he needs to be careful though..She might use the legal charges as a leverage during the divorce


----------



## Why Not Be Happy?

that alimony request sounds nuts...


----------



## flyfishdoc

Classic cakeater....would you believe she asked me if inwould wash and work on her car this afternoon? Wanted to see my new shoes...LMFAO
Told me if I loved hrrbinwould bevwilling to let her make her choices
She's tryingvall the feminine bull****...but she looks like a ghost...
Do I look stupid?


----------



## tom67

flyfishdoc said:


> Classic cakeater....would you believe she asked me if inwould wash and work on her car this afternoon? Wanted to see my new shoes...LMFAO
> Told me if I loved hrrbinwould bevwilling to let her make her choices
> She's tryingvall the feminine bull****...but she looks like a ghost...
> Do I look stupid?


:crazy:We have a winner here!


----------



## SadSamIAm

From what I read here in Canada, she is asking for what she would probably get. Half of everything plus 50% of income as alimony forever. 30 year marriage means permanent alimony. Only difference might be if she is employable, they might reduce the alimony by the amount she could earn.


----------



## In_The_Wind

So if she gets remarried the alimony is still paid or lowered
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

flyfishdoc said:


> Classic cakeater....would you believe she asked me if inwould wash and work on her car this afternoon? Wanted to see my new shoes...LMFAO
> Told me if I loved hrrbinwould bevwilling to let her make her choices
> She's tryingvall the feminine bull****...but she looks like a ghost...
> Do I look stupid?


No. You do not look stupid.

You still love her. The problem is she is no longer the "her" you fell in love with.

She is a mess. But she needs to fall Doc. Hard.

And you cannot be the one to catch her. She gave up that option willingly.

I know it is hard to watch.

Let your attorney handle the details. You are not qualified.

Stay above her crap Doc. Protect and love your kids.

They need you more now than ever.

HM64


----------



## flyfishdoc

The roller coaster continues....fixes me supper....serves me...then turns dark and moody....gives me **** about revealing A that she says is not A.....I give **** back about pix of her and friend....
Then shes self absorbed into tv correcting the broadcasters
god they bipolar...with those alien eyes
I 180 to bed then away for 24 hrs at work....


----------



## happyman64

flyfishdoc said:


> The roller coaster continues....fixes me supper....serves me...then turns dark and moody....gives me **** about revealing A that she says is not A.....I give **** back about pix of her and friend....
> Then shes self absorbed into tv correcting the broadcasters
> god they bipolar...with those alien eyes
> I 180 to bed then away for 24 hrs at work....


Hey Doc
Your wife has strange habits for someone not in an affair.

Lets see what title fits her:

Wife, Mother, adulterer, Eucharistic minister, liar, cheater,divorce initiator, family destroyer, pursuer.

Will the real Mrs. flyFish please stand up!


----------



## Machiavelli

flyfishdoc said:


> She offers me kids 50/50 . Wants half my retirement, split the debt 50/50 and permanent alimony of half my income.


She's very generous.


----------



## Machiavelli

SadSamIAm said:


> From what I read here in Canada, she is asking for what she would probably get. Half of everything plus 50% of income as alimony forever. 30 year marriage means permanent alimony. Only difference might be if she is employable, they might reduce the alimony by the amount she could earn.


No wonder they think we're stupid. No man with an IQ over 70 would run that risk.


----------



## turnera

IMO, any man who's gonna become a doctor should insist on a pre-nup before marrying anyone.


----------



## EleGirl

In_The_Wind said:


> So if she gets remarried the alimony is still paid or lowered
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In most states, if not all, alimony ends when the recipient either remarries or enters into a live-in situation... even in Cali.. the alimony state.


----------



## EleGirl

Machiavelli said:


> He's way too smart to reveal his sources. Anyway, no woman with grown kids wants to have those transcripts put into the court record. It makes all too real for the hamster to deal with.


Ah... he's the one who said that that he was going to reveil that he was taping her...... 



flyfishdoc said:


> Well the disinformation plan has begun....last nite I went to stbxw and told her I had a change of heart....fired my lawyer....wantbto settle asap because I love her stll.......
> Don't worry, it's all bull****! My lawyer is in on it
> Stbxw ran to attorneys office to work on papers today. I'm away for 24 hrs and left VARs her favorite haunts to review in am.
> It's killing her that her kids know she's a ***** concerning the affair she is spinning isn't happening. Of course, I was told all of that was all my fault....
> So let her show her hand....which is going straight to my lawyers office.
> 
> *She's gonna **** when she finds out about the tapes of her and POSOM.......stupid ******
> 
> I know it's a no fault state and she's gonna get a lot from me but I will always have the moral victory of having my kids support as well as finally revealing to her that she didn't put one over on me. I just wonder how long she will continue this facade with POSOM which is almost laughable since everybody knows?


----------



## EleGirl

flyfishdoc,

I know that your wife is cheating on you. But you really should sit back and think through this. I absolutely believe that getting evidence is wise for your own sanity. 

But working to turn the situation into a war is a really bad idea, and that seems to be what you are doing. You will be a HUGE loser as will be your children.

You are getting a lot of cheering on here. But remember that these folks do not need to live with what goes down in your life.

Attorneys love this sort of drama. You are on the path to make some attorney a lot of money. Well actually two attorneys, hers and yours. And you are going to most likely end up paying both of them if she has no source of income.

When I divorced my son’s father (a physician) for his 14 years of infidelities and abuse I spent $40,000 on my attorney. He spent about $100,000. He’s the one who drove up the drama. He’s the one who fought to get 100% custody of our on and to take everything financially. In the end he ended up getting a lot less than I offered him in both custody and financially in the beginning. So he basically wasted $140K that we could have done so much with. 

You have no clue right now how much you will lose in this divorce. It's not a win situation no matter how you look at it. Your kids are going to lose even more than you are.

You would be better off gathering your evidence so that you know for sure what is going on. Present her with the solid evidence without telling her the sources. But if at all possible find a way to defuse this situation. It’s your choice if you want to just get a divorce or fix your marriage. Most likely your marriage can be fixed believe it or not. But either way defusing the drama is essential.

Affairs are very often a symptom of a marriage that has serious issues. If she’s been a good wife and mother for all these years and recently has suddenly fallen into this hell hole then I’d think she gets some credit for decades of being a good wife. 

A lot of marriages are able to recovery from infidelity. Have you even taken any time to consider recovery? You might want to take some time to read the book “Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley. You might also benefit from calling him (go to Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice) for an appointment. Exploring different paths/solutions before deciding what to do is often a good idea.


----------



## Machiavelli

EleGirl said:


> A lot of marriages are able to recovery from infidelity. Have you even taken any time to consider recovery? You might want to take some time to read the book “Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley. You might also benefit from calling him (go to Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice) for an appointment. Exploring different paths/solutions before deciding what to do is often a good idea.


Not to mention open marriage, that's a good idea, too.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

Machiavelli said:


> Not to mention open marriage, that's a good idea, too.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

He is already in a one sided open marriage.


----------



## EleGirl

Machiavelli said:


> Not to mention open marriage, that's a good idea, too.


No one is suggesting open marriage. Come one. 

People can always use alternative view points.


----------



## EleGirl

Kallan Pavithran said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> He is already in a one sided open marriage.


Open marriage is when both parties agree that they both can see others. Otherwise it's called adultry.

I don't think he's agreed to an open marriage, onesided or otherwise.


----------



## flyfishdoc

Yes ELEgirl I know you are right.
After our afternoon talks things are better...we both gave and took crap during our talk. 
Important note- in all our married years we NEVER had an argument of note- obviously not healthy.....
This morning shes cheerful, giddy almost. Heck, folded my laundry.
Just 24 hours ago we had agreed for me toleave for sake of civility
I think hear end she wanted to get caught. I think she knew the only way I would divorce her was if she was doing some guy.
She shared she finally realized she was under surveillance.
She acknowledges the photos. Volunteers that she knows she was taped....
I'm not going to war. But I firmly let her know I had the goods on her. Kids still won't talk to her...
Unfortunately I do still love her. I'm a caretaker, healer. Thatsvwho I am.
I told her we would be interacting the rest of our kids lifes and wish we had more talks like this in last year...then maybevthis wouldntbhappen in first place.
Was she just testing me?


----------



## Kasler

turnera said:


> IMO, any man who's gonna *get married period* should insist on a pre-nup before marrying anyone.


----------



## turnera

I still don't think your marriage is unsalvageable. But you're so hell bent on crushing her (and seem to be getting so much glee out of it) that I'm not sure you should even try. Maybe the issues in your marriage aren't all her. If you don't address this honestly, you may just end up with a second wife unhappy.


----------



## flyfishdoc

I really do not want to crush her...but I shared with her yesterday that the magnitude of the lies and deceit were beyond difficult emotionally for me let alone the PSOM.
Told her I wanted to work out a sttlement privately with her if thats her desire....shared with her we all knew the data I had I could use in court but I was not going to do that to the family. Enough was enough.....
But what I really long for is a reconcilliation. But she refuse MC. I am just trying to stall at this point.
180 would be easier with no kids around so I have been trying carrot/ stick.
shared with her the best 29 years of my life were with her, the last one not so much....
I would guess we have about 5-10% chance of reconcilliation at best.
How to attempt/proceed while she is still in the fog?


----------



## Shaggy

If she is still cheating then there s no possibility of R. None.

Your number one goal would have to be killing the affair, that would be via wide exposure.

But now you view that as going to war,so your choosing to engage in ths fight with both hands tied behind your back,

Yes she's giddy, you just agreed to everything she wants, a generous divorce, no consequences for cheating, and you are going to move out, and keep paying the bills.

What's not for her to like? There's nothing left for her to take.


----------



## naga75

Shaggy said:


> If she is still cheating then there s no possibility of R. None.
> 
> Your number one goal would have to be killing the affair, that would be via wide exposure.
> 
> But now you view that as going to war,so your choosing to engage in ths fight with both hands tied behind your back,
> 
> Yes she's giddy, you just agreed to everything she wants, a generous divorce, no consequences for cheating, and you are going to move out, and keep paying the bills.
> 
> What's not for her to like? There's nothing left for her to take.



:iagree:


----------



## flyfishdoc

I did expose the affair in nuclear fashion....
emailed family/friends/priest.PSOM and his employer/our adult children.
I agreed in principle with a private settlement BUT not specifics. She knows what evidence I have....I reserve the right to use it.
I hope the A will burn out... war would be going to straight to court and arguing every detail. told the kids I would not do that
she agreed to give me her 2nd cellphone ..
Told me she wants to go back to school yada yada...


----------



## turnera

She's still cheating, right? And you have exposed it to everyone, right? Then the only thing you have left in your box of tricks is to have your lawyer cut her off somehow, temporarily, if that's possible, so she understands what life's going to be like without you.

I would add in that you need to step up your game, GAL, SHOW her that you WILL move on and have an amazing life without her. At this point, I think that's the #1 motivator that MIGHT make her sit up and notice you again - seeing you move on and feeling like she might miss out on your great new life. Start going out, dress up, smell good, haircut, let her wonder where you're going. Read up and follow the 180 to a T. COMPLETELY turn off around her and let her watch you go crazy happy with your new life without her. We want what we can't have.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

flyfishdoc said:


> Unfortunately I do still love her.


Doc, it's really hard to stop loving someone that you've shared so much of your life with. I still care about my ex and don't wish to see destruction rain down on her. Although, when I think about the way she treated me and what she put me through, I have to admit that there are some days when I want her to experience some of that hurt. Fortunately, those days are getting fewer and fewer.

The bottom line is that you will probably always have some kind of love for her. She is after all the mother of your children. The question is do you still want to be married to her after all that she has done to destroy her family?


----------



## skip76

Come on, don't fall for this crap, look at her mood swings, this is all just acting, she has tried every angle with you, this is just one more. She ruined her life, let her sit in it. You will regret taking her back later on.


----------



## MEM2020

Siege of Stalingrad - great stuff. Loved War of the Rats.

I believe you just made a GIANT mistake. I think you told her you want to reconcile which means that you will wait around as her "Plan B". THAT is the worst play on the board. BY FAR. 

THAT is different than saying specific things like: I understand that I contributed to the loss of passion in our marriage. And that you told me for years that you wanted me to ......

IF you drop the OM and go NC - all of that can be addressed in a way you feel good about. If you won't do that, nothing else matters. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Ultimately she has to make a choice regarding how she elects to perceive the last 29 years. 

And you feature heavily in that choice. 

If you move out, the subtext is that you believe that in some ways she is right, and you have treated her poorly over the years. And that her cheating is somehow justified. 

If you move out, no matter what you say, you are both agreeing that she is the injured party. 

In fact, all of your behavior is going to reflect that you either believe she was justified, or was not justified. Is the injured party or is the injuring party. 

I admit to being confused. Why not give her a temporary separation allowance so she can move out. Because sharing the house with her, while she continues to sleep with the other man, is eroding her respect for you. And there is NO WAY to change that erosion. 

In fact, your main plays at this point are:
1. Extreme Defense: Tell her you will fight her over every penny if she files, but otherwise continue the 180 lite and hope that the affair burns out. The chronic stress may take a toll on you as this could last for years while she cake eats. 
2. Close in combat: This is not an option if you have cheated earlier in the marriage. 

Only consider doing this if you really are as stable as you seem. You stay in the house, and manage the optics so that you appear to have found and fallen for a new woman. That will mean some sleep aways. The hardest part will be that you will ACT HAPPY when around your W. 

Assume she has "VAR'd" you at this point. So you say things into the phone like: "I don't care what she does at this point, we are done, the other guy is sport fvcking her and she doesn't even seem to grasp that, she doesn't even look good to me anymore". 
3. Give her a temporary separation allowance and then do the same stuff as above in (2).
4. File and fight her on every dollar


----------



## flyfishdoc

count you are correct..thats how I feel
I just wanted to open the lines of communication again...
I am not moving out...as was planned for yesterday.I was in my bed, her on the floor in other room.
I love the idea of talking for her VARs...LMAO
My female coworkers tell me if she saw me with a hot babe now she would go nucking futs....
I am not gonna talk about D or relationship or **** until she brings it up again.
I can 180...just tough with the kids in house for my personality type
Taking kids to see my college daughter for homecoming...STBXW not going as she was told shes not welcome by daughter...
Thats gona make for an intersting weekend. glad to be gone for 4 days with kids out of town


----------



## tom67

flyfishdoc said:


> count you are correct..thats how I feel
> I just wanted to open the lines of communication again...
> I am not moving out...as was planned for yesterday.I was in my bed, her on the floor in other room.
> I love the idea of talking for her VARs...LMAO
> My female coworkers tell me if she saw me with a hot babe now she would go nucking futs....
> I am not gonna talk about D or relationship or **** until she brings it up again.
> I can 180...just tough with the kids in house for my personality type
> Taking kids to see my college daughter for homecoming...STBXW not going as she was told shes not welcome by daughter...
> Thats gona make for an intersting weekend. glad to be gone for 4 days with kids out of town


Doc it is tough to stop loving but this too will pass I'm 2 yrs. out I was a wreck also.Stay in touch with your atty. keep convos to a minimum I know easier said than done.


----------



## flyfishdoc

MEM how do i verbalize those thoughts to her... that I do feel i contributed to the loss of passion in our marriage by________?
I dont understand how to start that verbage during 180 attempt?
Should I even attempt to own my own stuff with her now or just wait?


----------



## tom67

flyfishdoc said:


> MEM how do i verbalize those thoughts to her... that I do feel i contributed to the loss of passion in our marriage by________?
> I dont understand how to start that verbage during 180 attempt?
> Should I even attempt to own my own stuff with her now or just wait?


Just remember you have the upper hand and she may get desperate like a cornered rat. Be civil but ALWAYS carry a var remember their little plan they had for you? the 180 is to improve you not really to get her back. Maybe she will come out of the "fog" but for now stay frosty/short answers. It really sucks I know hang in there.


----------



## naga75

thats exactly what i told my wife.
that i contributed to the loss of passion by not participating in its upkeep.
but in no way did that give her a "reason" to have a fkn boyfriend for two years.
would have been just as easy to tell the truth from the start, than it has been dealing with the fallout.
as MEM says, i cheated in the marriage myself first, so i could not go toe to toe with her and just basically say "do this or GTFO, because i have treated you so well". i owned my stuff and made the changes immediately. then, when they continued, THATS when i said "me or him. choose. right NOW."
you do not have the same roadblock as me.
give her the two choices, if you still love her and MORE IMPORTANTLY, still want to be married to her. ME or HIM. this or that. no in between and no grey area.
JMO.


----------



## walkonmars

You might tell her:

"Listen, you've made a mess of our marriage. I know and accept that I have some responsibility for some of the deterioration of the marriage. But you have used a wrecking ball to deal with the problems when all that was needed was a hammer and nails. We will never recover this marriage unless and until you stop seeing xxx... I can't and won't stop you. Only you can do that. 

"What I will do, is to improve myself. Become a better man. I'll get over this. I'll find someone else. You have the power to be also become a better person. You can't believe that you've become one with what you've done. Why don't we work together to improve ourselves. And once we do we can decide that we will be better off with someone else. If so, we can part honorably and you can leave with some dignity and with my blessings."

After this say no more. Continue the 180. Give her time to think.


----------



## turnera

flyfishdoc said:


> MEM how do i verbalize those thoughts to her... that I do feel i contributed to the loss of passion in our marriage by________?


She is a traitor right now. Why would you negotiate with a terrorist?

BE MAD. STAY MAD. LET THE KIDS SEE YOU MAD.


----------



## turnera

walkonmars said:


> You might tell her:
> 
> "Listen, you've made a mess of our marriage. I know and accept that I have some responsibility for some of the deterioration of the marriage. But you have used a wrecking ball to deal with the problems when all that was needed was a hammer and nails. We will never recover this marriage unless and until you stop seeing xxx... I can't and won't stop you. Only you can do that.
> 
> "What I will do, is to improve myself. Become a better man. I'll get over this. I'll find someone else. You have the power to be also become a better person. You can't believe that you've become one with what you've done. Why don't we work together to improve ourselves. And once we do we can decide that we will be better off with someone else. If so, we can part honorably and you can leave with some dignity and with my blessings."
> 
> After this say no more. Continue the 180. Give her time to think.


 ONLY if you can do this without looking like a lovesick puppy. Which is what you sound like. I can only imagine what you _look_ like.


----------



## the guy

I'm not sure If I missed it or what, but as long as she is in contact with OM what else needs to be said?

Can some one clue me in?

Until NC is confirmed what's the point in even engaging a wayward spouse. you just can't compete until AP is no longer in the picture.


----------



## the guy

I mean if WW is in the fog, you can crush her until she is nothing and it won't matter. You can be as attractive as you can be and it won't matter. You can be a love sick puppy and it won't mantter. You can keep all kind of communication open adn it won't matter.

The only thing that matters is the AP.

Spouse, kids, friends, relatives...even they don't matter to a wayward that stays in contact with the AP!

Not saying one can't fight an affair by making it as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible, I'm just pointing out the mind set of a wayward stuck in the fog of an affair.


----------



## flyfishdoc

GF just asked her if she was really gonna go through with it? STBXW says "yes, he drew a line in the sand and dared me to jump over it......"

Mind games....


----------



## walkonmars

turnera said:


> ONLY if you can do this without looking like a lovesick puppy. Which is what you sound like. I can only imagine what you _look_ like.



Yeah 
its a risk 
And after her friends challenge
It looks like she's gonna jump the shark. 

Just let her meet the shark's teeth


----------



## MEM2020

Doc,
Your post below shows a very high level of self awareness. Props to you for taking responsibility for your contribution to this situation. 

Only you know what "really" happened in your home and your bed. Only you know if you neglected your wife over a long time period. And as you are now keenly aware, it is easy to say: Well if it is that bad, you need to separate/divorce. 

However, with young kids at home that is MUCH harder to actually do. 

If you let yourself go physically, stopped being a sexually attentive partner, etc. those are things which need to be addressed or she will see herself returning to a loveless marriage.

So for all posters here who have a monochrome view of this, I will add my highly shaded input. Children create "captive audience" syndrome. And some partners exploit that situation mercilessly. As we all know, it is possible to badly abuse a partner who has strong aversions to breaking up the family.

All that said - Doc - your best play might be a 3 part message delivered in the most concise form possible. And you have to be calm, very calm. NO CRYING in front of her, no matter how sad you are. 

1. I know I contributed to our current situation in a big way and am willing to work hard for us to find our way back to a loving marriage. I know that I let you down in ..... and that is on me.

2. It is not possible for you to feel love without having respect for me. And not possible for you to share my roof, sleep with another and feel respect.

3. I am not willing to set an example to our kids that it is ok to remain in the same house with a partner who is brazenly cheating. Nor that the cheater is the injured party - which means I am not going to be the one who moves out. 

Then stop and ask her: What do you want to do?

Of course she wants to keep hitting cupids crack pipe. 

You realize Doc - that you only get to admit your part in this once. Until she goes and STAYS NC, at which point you can revisit your plan for improvement.

And you also realize that you aren't really doing a 180. Because when she is nice, wants to talk to you, you allow that. You just can't do that until she agrees to end it/and go NC with the OM. 

You keep saying the 180 part is "hard". Darn right it is. Hardest thing you will ever do. Your children are watching you set an example. It can either be of commitment or of weakness. A real 180 shows commitment to repair because it acknowledges that repair is not possible without respect. 

It is not a 180 if:
- You are quietly and patiently waiting until those moments she wants to talk to you. 

- You are kind and supportive when she asks you to help her cake eat: This is the talk about giving her a ton of money and 50% lifetime alimony. 

Those things erode respect and actually steps down the path to dissolution. 

It IS a 180 if:
- She approaches in a nice and loving way
- You politely ask what she wants
- She starts with her list
- You smile, shrug and say - "I have no idea why you think you are entitled to those things - or anything else at this point"





flyfishdoc said:


> MEM how do i verbalize those thoughts to her... that I do feel i contributed to the loss of passion in our marriage by________?
> I dont understand how to start that verbage during 180 attempt?
> Should I even attempt to own my own stuff with her now or just wait?


----------



## flyfishdoc

her beefs with me over this year were....1. My theology changed. I still go to church regularly but did not believe the same way she did. I talked to the priest, he said I was fine to believe like I wanted.
Her views are rigid and fixed
2. I was 40 lbs overweight....i eat junk while at work
3. I was boring...I used to be much more active but read a LOT during the last year on philosophy/religion which fascinates me at midlife. I view spirituality differently then I did in my 20s.
Thats all she ever told me.....


----------



## flyfishdoc

as recently as 4 years ago she told a friend that if I died she would never remarry because she had had the best.....!!!??


----------



## MattMatt

flyfishdoc said:


> her beefs with me over this year were....1. My theology changed. I still go to church regularly but did not believe the same way she did. I talked to the priest, he said I was fine to believe like I wanted.
> Her views are rigid and fixed
> 2. I was 40 lbs overweight....i eat junk while at work
> 3. I was boring...I used to be much more active but read a LOT during the last year on philosophy/religion which fascinates me at midlife. I view spirituality differently then I did in my 20s.
> Thats all she ever told me.....


You forgot 4: Gee, I need an excuse to cheat.


----------



## Acabado

flyfishdoc said:


> GF just asked her if she was really gonna go through with it? STBXW says "yes, he drew a line in the sand and dared me to jump over it......"
> 
> Mind games....


Defiant, stuborn and arrogant on top of the cheating.

That's the deal. 
zero interaction, no olive branches unless OM is out of the picture. Not even remain civil. 


ETA
I'm thinking you could refer GF to marriagebuilders (just dropping it casually) so she could explain WW why the exposure.


----------



## naga75

and if she does agree to NC, make sure you KNOW that is actually happening.
my wife did the letter, phone call with me present, yadda yadda yadda...
found out 3 months later they had still been emailing back and forth and seeing each other.
so, that was a waste of time, and added even more turmoil and heartbreak...BECAUSE I TOOK MY WIFE AT HER WORD.
lol.
dont do that.
as everyone else is saying, as long as she has any contact whatsoever with her AP, assume EVERYTHING she tells you is a lie. because it probably is.


----------



## TBT

flyfishdoc said:


> her beefs with me over this year were....1. My theology changed. I still go to church regularly but did not believe the same way she did. I talked to the priest, he said I was fine to believe like I wanted.
> Her views are rigid and fixed


In what sense are her views rigid and fixed considering the road she is traveling?


----------



## turnera

What complaints has she had in the past? Talking over her? Ignoring her? Raising your voice?

You two are starting to sound a bit like The War Of The Roses.


----------



## In_The_Wind

flyfishdoc said:


> her beefs with me over this year were....1. My theology changed. I still go to church regularly but did not believe the same way she did. I talked to the priest, he said I was fine to believe like I wanted.
> Her views are rigid and fixed
> 2. I was 40 lbs overweight....i eat junk while at work
> 3. I was boring...I used to be much more active but read a LOT during the last year on philosophy/religion which fascinates me at midlife. I view spirituality differently then I did in my 20s.
> Thats all she ever told me.....


Since your a doctor I feel a little funny saying this but along with the 180 you should also be working on yourself start eating right and exercising etc this is the number one thing you can do for stress during this time is walking, jogging , riding a bike, working out whatever plus it increases your self esteem like nothing else try this as well Doc 

Good Luck


----------



## Ovid

In_The_Wind said:


> Since your a doctor I feel a little funny saying this but along with the 180 you should also be working on yourself start eating right and exercising etc this is the number one thing you can do for stress during this time is walking, jogging , riding a bike, working out whatever plus it increases your self esteem like nothing else try this as well Doc
> 
> Good Luck


:iagree:

Prior to my wifes ea I was always natrually fit so I never exercised. Now I work out 2 hours a day and eat like an obsessed nutritionist. My body feels great, my six pack is starting to peek through, and my W is afraid to let me leave the house. I've noticed I get most depressed on days I can't workout, so I can say it's really helping me recover.


----------



## flyfishdoc

Yep have started working out and jogging at beach....u do feel better and the wt loss feels good. Eating mostly veggies at this point.
Have IC session tomorrow to help with my nice guy issues....


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

flyfishdoc said:


> as recently as 4 years ago she told a friend that if I died she would never remarry because she had had the best.....!!!??


Oho!

Do you have a sizable life insurance policy?


----------



## tom67

Exactly like those stories on the investigate discovery channnel!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

flyfishdoc said:


> count you are correct..thats how I feel
> I just wanted to open the lines of communication again...
> I am not moving out...as was planned for yesterday.I was in my bed, her on the floor in other room.
> I love the idea of talking for her VARs...LMAO
> My female coworkers tell me if she saw me with a hot babe now she would go nucking futs....
> I am not gonna talk about D or relationship or **** until she brings it up again.
> I can 180...just tough with the kids in house for my personality type
> Taking kids to see my college daughter for homecoming...STBXW not going as she was told shes not welcome by daughter...
> Thats gona make for an intersting weekend. glad to be gone for 4 days with kids out of town


Hide your vars real well that weekend Doc. Real well.


----------



## happyman64

flyfishdoc said:


> her beefs with me over this year were....1. My theology changed. I still go to church regularly but did not believe the same way she did. I talked to the priest, he said I was fine to believe like I wanted.
> Her views are rigid and fixed
> 2. I was 40 lbs overweight....i eat junk while at work
> 3. I was boring...I used to be much more active but read a LOT during the last year on philosophy/religion which fascinates me at midlife. I view spirituality differently then I did in my 20s.
> Thats all she ever told me.....


Wow Doc. You are just getting deep in your own view of religion.

I put on over 80 pounds in the past few years. And I am a practicing Catholic with some very harsh views of the church with all the crap that has gone on these last few years.

My point is that my wife still loves me. She has not gone and screwed some POSOM nor is she figuring out some way to screw me over.

Your wife has done all of that while still under your roof and n your dime.

Remember this phrase " there will be no negotiations with a terrorist"!

Do the 180, stop being fearful of losing her.

Maybe in time she will wakeup. Also have one of your kids test your food every once in a while........

HM64


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

happyman64 said:


> I put on over 80 pounds in the past few years.


Happy Man, all this time I thought that was just your avatar - didn't realize it was your actual picture. :rofl:


----------



## MEM2020

FFD,
Did your theology change in a way that impacted her in your "day to day life"? 

FYI: If your theology change did impact your "day to day", that was likely a big surprise to her after 28 years. 

If you 2 were aligned for 28 years and you changed, her lack of change in the last year doesn't make her rigid. And if it is just an abstract thing, it is no basis for her to want a divorce. 

Sounds like much of this was about the slow death of passion, excitement and desire. 

She clearly wants a sex life - love life. You definitely should look at a PX90, and work on regaining some of your youthful personality driven edge. 




flyfishdoc said:


> her beefs with me over this year were....1. My theology changed. I still go to church regularly but did not believe the same way she did. I talked to the priest, he said I was fine to believe like I wanted.
> Her views are rigid and fixed
> 2. I was 40 lbs overweight....i eat junk while at work
> 3. I was boring...I used to be much more active but read a LOT during the last year on philosophy/religion which fascinates me at midlife. I view spirituality differently then I did in my 20s.
> Thats all she ever told me.....


----------



## KanDo

You know flyfishdoc, I had great hopes for you until the last few pages of posts. Like another poster said, you "sound" like a love sick puppy dog. You can not nice or rationalize your wayward spouse back into your marriage. A mammy-pamby confession that you contributed to the deterioration of your marriage does nothing while the affair is in progress. The tools at your disposal to stop the affair are:

1) Exposure- My recollection is that you have exposed far and wide. If I am wrong, get on it.
2) Wake-up call- The kind that only comes with service of divorce papers. Read my story about the day I served my wayward spouse. It makes things real
3) Maintaining a strict 180. Stop interacting with her except the absolute necessities of life.
4) Cut off all financial support of her. Close all joint credit cards, have your check deposited in a new account.

Her comments about the line in the sand suggest she is a petulant child-like person. Show her consequences.

My final recommendation is to really let her go. She holds you in no respect. The life is a physician and their family is hard. Unless you are a rheumatologist or a dermatologist, the hours are long; but, the rewards (both personal and financial) are commisurately great. You DESERVE better than what she is giving you. I am here to tell you there are countless wonderful women out there who want nothing more than to find a great guy like you and cherish you. Dump the baggage and move on

Stop taking crap for your philisophical drifting. Cahnge is the essence of life. If your theological convictins don't directly impact her day to day life, they shouldn't be an issue


----------



## Malaise

TBT said:


> In what sense are her views rigid and fixed considering the road she is traveling?


:iagree:

Sounds to me that she is* very* flexible vis a vis adultery, lying ( to H, priest, and through priest at confession : God)

She's even lying to herself.


----------



## happyman64

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Happy Man, all this time I thought that was just your avatar - didn't realize it was your actual picture. :rofl:


Good one Count.

I am actually 40 pounds lighter this year. Another 40 to go!

After reading NMMNG I decided to make some positive changes.

Thanks for the chuckle.....


----------



## Shaggy

Wait, let me understand this...

She's cheating because she's upset you changed your views on religion? Seriously?

Make sure you secure valuables before leavings have someone watch her and who comes over or where she goes to.


----------



## tom67

Shaggy said:


> Wait, let me understand this...
> 
> She's cheating because she's upset you changed your views on religion? Seriously?
> 
> Make sure you secure valuables before leavings have someone watch her and who comes over or where she goes to.


Do what bff did when he went out of town and set up a camera facing the driveway I think. And the house should atleast 3 vars in it.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

Shaggy said:


> Wait, let me understand this...
> 
> *She's cheating because she's upset you changed your views on religion? Seriously?
> *
> Make sure you secure valuables before leavings have someone watch her and who comes over or where she goes to.


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

KanDo said:


> You know flyfishdoc, I had great hopes for you until the last few pages of posts. Like another poster said, you "sound" like a love sick puppy dog. You can not nice or rationalize your wayward spouse back into your marriage. A mammy-pamby confession that you contributed to the deterioration of your marriage does nothing while the affair is in progress.


This.
I liked his attitude earlier.
Being a GP he should prescribe himself some testosterone.

If a woman did this to me, and I lived somewhere where the govt would still give the wife everything no matter what she did, the way OP's situation is looking, then I would sell everything, get all my assets together into cash, and burn it. Every last dollar. And I mean it.


----------



## EleGirl

flyfishdoc said:


> Was she just testing me?


Probably not. 

If we always look to find the motive in actions we tend to get a jaded view of the other person. Just accept things at face value. 

If she did something nice... then it's something nice.

If she dd something not-nice .... 

I've noticed that when people have tried to asign motive to things I do they are wrong about 99% of the time.


----------



## turnera

SpurnedLonelyHusband said:


> I would sell everything, get all my assets together into cash, and burn it. Every last dollar. And I mean it.


 Or have it disappear somehow.


----------



## Why Not Be Happy?

happyman64 said:


> Good one Count.
> 
> I am actually 40 pounds lighter this year. Another 40 to go!
> 
> After reading NMMNG I decided to make some positive changes.
> 
> Thanks for the chuckle.....


Get healthy Happy Man----we want you around.


----------



## Why Not Be Happy?

Doc: Do the 180 and observe.


----------



## Mtts

I was really excited until last few pages. You were heading in the best direction, slowing to attemp R right now was and is going to hurt you. She already doesn't care so it's pointless. R only works when they really have moved past the PA, EA, Midlife-whatever.

You should have filed for divorce. Divorce is the final leveler on the playing field. No more games, nonsense it is just severing that entity from your life. I did it even when it wasn't my fault and felt a lot better for it. 

If R happens, it will happen sometime during filing to after. Trying right now seems toxic to you and honestly she seems toxic in general. I'm also concerned about her getting much of anything out of this. Especially given that you've got so much information damning her. 

I hope this looks up and you make it out realitively unscathed!


----------



## flyfishdoc

Update on last 4 days....we met Thursday and divided everything up at the house, furniture, art, etc. She then asked for 50 percent alimony and I busted out laughing....told her no way in hell.told her inwould see her in court!
I then told her I took responsibilitynfor myvactions that led tonend of marriage. She finally said she did too. First admission of guilt.
Next am she is sick.....so take kids to school, get her medicine.
She knows I'm leaving to go to college homecoming with kids....I tell her to pack and get in car....which she does.
At college daughter won't speak to her....tears etc...I have to sit between. We go for dinner and drinks.
I remind her we will have to sleep in same bed so kids won't be on floor....I tell her I won't touch her....
We get in bed and she tries to flirt with me.....I ignore
Next day still distant but at leastvwe are talking 
Go to game....I enjoy the lovely ladies. Then I take her shopping. Shevseems sick and in a daze. We go to dinnerband she starts feeding me off her plate....??
Tomorrow is her birthday. She tells me not to getbherba present.
One of my kids texted her to quit using dad! She's in tears
Tomorrow I meet with realtor at noon to getbthe ocean front condo
I want R but she's too detached now so I'm leaving for condo this week.
I long for an emotional connection but it ain't gonna happen now if ever. So I'm gonna work on my codependency issues.
She gave me her 2nd cell phone to keep.
I know I screwed up this weekend being nice...but I still love her....
I can't 180 if I'm here so getting to condo is key.
Our MC said she is in a dissociative state and will crash when I'm gone.
Thoughts?


----------



## happyman64

Doc

I know you love your wife. In fact we all know that.

It is great you both own up to issues in your marriage.

But you did not cheat, she did.

You did not lie to your spouse and kids, she did.

You did not go and have an affair, she did.

If you really want her back then stop letting her use you, stop financing her life, do a solid 180 and go to the condo.

Then go dark.

She needs to come to you.
She needs to admit to everything.
She needs to go NC with POSOM.

And there needs to be consequences if she does not.

Let her crash Doc. She needs to feel the pain all her actions have caused. She has not only hurt but her kids

Let her crash Doc.......

HM64


----------



## Ovid

flyfishdoc said:


> Update on last 4 days....we met Thursday and divided everything up at the house, furniture, art, etc. She then asked for 50 percent alimony and I busted out laughing....told her no way in hell.told her inwould see her in court!
> I then told her I took responsibilitynfor myvactions that led tonend of marriage. She finally said she did too. First admission of guilt.
> Next am she is sick.....so take kids to school, get her medicine.
> She knows I'm leaving to go to college homecoming with kids....I tell her to pack and get in car....which she does.
> At college daughter won't speak to her....tears etc...I have to sit between. We go for dinner and drinks.
> I remind her we will have to sleep in same bed so kids won't be on floor....I tell her I won't touch her....
> We get in bed and she tries to flirt with me.....I ignore
> Next day still distant but at leastvwe are talking
> Go to game....I enjoy the lovely ladies. Then I take her shopping. Shevseems sick and in a daze. We go to dinnerband she starts feeding me off her plate....??
> Tomorrow is her birthday. She tells me not to getbherba present.
> One of my kids texted her to quit using dad! She's in tears
> Tomorrow I meet with realtor at noon to getbthe ocean front condo
> I want R but she's too detached now so I'm leaving for condo this week.
> I long for an emotional connection but it ain't gonna happen now if ever. So I'm gonna work on my codependency issues.
> She gave me her 2nd cell phone to keep.
> I know I screwed up this weekend being nice...but I still love her....
> I can't 180 if I'm here so getting to condo is key.
> Our MC said she is in a dissociative state and will crash when I'm gone.
> Thoughts?


I think she'll crash if you stop easing her through it. Get to that condo quick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

Stop giving her cake.
Even your kids know she's using you!
Go dark, force yourself to 180.
Shift the focus on you, your kids, your future.


----------



## Affaircare

Doc~

I would like you to consider something. As long as you keep "being nice" to her and keep sort of cleaning up the mess she's made, the longer she'll stay in the mess and the less likely she'll be to learn from it. OTOH, the faster you are show her the respect of allowing her to be an ADULT and experience the full consequence of her choices, the faster she'll be likely learn something and want to get out of that mess. 

Doc, we are not suggesting that you "let her crash" because we want to hurt her or want her to crash. Shoot I don't want to encourage revenge! Nope the motivation here is the most loving thing you can give to your spouse: namely, that you give her the respect to make her own decisions and also believe she is capable of handling 100% of the natural consequences of her choice. See, fairly consistently she has been telling you and acting like she no longer wants you to be her partner. My guess is that in her "fantasy world" she wants your money and some of the other needs you can meet, but she wants the OM for romance and affection. So YOUR job...you DUTY if you will as a loving husband...is to allow her to see what will happen if she really does choose to not have you as her partner. The natural consequence (see? not a punishment but just "this occurs when you make this choice") is that you would meet NONE of her needs. Not one. So if she were to realize "OMG I dont' get hubby's money and I lose the kids and my future is no longer secure" suddenly she'll see that a momentary thrill or butterflies in the stomach isn't worth it! Plus she can BUILD a thrill and butterfiles with you if she invests as much time and energy with you and she does with OM!!

So do you really love her? Prove it. PROVE that you love her enough to let her learn her lesson. Let her crash.


----------



## jameskimp

It's like he could've written the book on how a betrayed spouse should ideally act and got tons of likes in his comments in the beginning of this thread and now, he's turned into a weak, beta male who'd do anything to take back his cheating wife. 

You're acting kind to take back your cheating wife. You're pursing reconciliation when she should be. She used all your money while you worked and then cheated on you. You think keeping her happy with money and her admitting her mistake only after you admit yours first are good signs? Think again.

Go read your thread again doc, i want to know where your spine went.


----------



## turnera

Let her crash. It will be good for her, for the kids, and for you.

As for the weekend, I think you did great. You showed her that you are a gentleman, you showed her the man she married and SHOULD be grateful for, and she's not going to forget that, no matter what happens. Since you still want R, showing her what she's throwing away (yet still being strong) is a great way to keep you in her mind.

You did the weekend because it was a family deal and it was important. Now go 180 and show her what life without you is like.

As long as you now go 180 and start having the BEST life available, in front of her, in SPITE of her.


----------



## jim123

Doc, about a week ago she was going to destroy you. You do know the story of the scorpion and the frog?

If you keep being the fool, your kids will stop respecting you and you will not respect yourself. You deserve better. Playing these games will destroy you and make you into someone you will not like.

Take control and put a stop one way or another. The choice has to be yours. Get yourself strong so you can make the proper decision.


----------



## flyfishdoc

I am moving Tuesday . I am leaving her to her own devices. I still love her but hopefullybthatvwill fade with time/distance.
She wants her autonomy but I ain't paying for it......


----------



## flyfishdoc

Thanks turnera, that's the plan!


----------



## tom67

flyfishdoc said:


> I am moving Tuesday . I am leaving her to her own devices. I still love her but hopefullybthatvwill fade with time/distance.
> She wants her autonomy but I ain't paying for it......


That's good my ex after 14 yrs just left that was 2 yrs ago I am just now "normal" got a girlfriend and her om is history because he cheated on her, so I guess there is karma whatever.


----------



## WyshIknew

I've got a little lost in this thread. I think as it stands you are leaving your WW in the house and you are moving out into a condo (I take it that is what us Brits would call a flat or apartment)?

OM is living in a condo but his lease is running out. Correct?

If that is the case I hope you left OM a pipe, some slippers and a few beers in the fridge to make his move into your house as comfy as possible.

Please tell me that this move is only a temporary thing to get your head straight.

I wouldn't move at all to be honest but that's me.


----------



## Acabado

Why are you moving out?


----------



## tom67

Acabado said:


> Why are you moving out?


I would let her move out. If your atty. said that is ok then fine otherwise you stay.


----------



## WyshIknew

I'm not saying he is moving out, as I said I've got a little confused by the thread and it seemed as though he was moving out.


----------



## tom67

WyshIknew said:


> I'm not saying he is moving out, as I said I've got a little confused by the thread and it seemed as though he was moving out.


He said he is moving to the beach front condo which is fine if he got clearance from the attorney that's all. I more than understand why he wants to get away from her for his own sanity believe me I understand


----------



## Acabado

Yeah, I only find odd he's finnaly moving out when he titled his own thread with the outraged classic "Just confonted her-she wants ME to move out!"


----------



## Acabado

Sorry I missed it. Anyway we can change our minds, adapt to the day to day ocurrences. And if it fits his goal better than good.

Detachement, hard 180 is a must anyway.


----------



## flyfishdoc

I moved out to spare my kids anymore drama...plus if POSOM moves in my lawyer can use that. Plus I wanted to 180 hard.
She's had it good all of these years so let her crash
I needed to work on me and I cannot do it while still there.
I still love her...don't know why....
I know I want to pick up the pieces but need to be ready to move on with my life.
I guess I have a slim chance of R....but only if she is willing to change.
I figured this was the best way to find out


----------



## happyman64

flyfishdoc said:


> I moved out to spare my kids anymore drama...plus if POSOM moves in my lawyer can use that. Plus I wanted to 180 hard.
> She's had it good all of these years so let her crash
> I needed to work on me and I cannot do it while still there.
> I still love her...don't know why....
> I know I want to pick up the pieces but need to be ready to move on with my life.
> I guess I have a slim chance of R....but only if she is willing to change.
> I figured this was the best way to find out


:iagree:

Go for it Doc. Your wife needs to feel what it is like to truly be on her own.

I hope your kids do not eat her alive though.

Now focus on you. And heal.


----------



## aug

Maybe when you are on your own for a while, you'll realize that life is better without a cheating wife.


----------



## flyfishdoc

Day 3 out of the house.....feels so much better.
NC going well...except kids inquiring about


----------



## flyfishdoc

Holidays


----------



## happyman64

Maybe the kids can come to you for the holidays?

Let your wife see what it will be like without them half the time and half the holidays.......


----------



## WyshIknew

POSOM moved in yet?

Jeez that would gripe me.


----------



## Malaise

WyshIknew said:


> POSOM moved in yet?
> 
> Jeez that would gripe me.


I would be slightly miffed myself


----------



## WyshIknew

Malaise said:


> I would be slightly miffed myself


Thing is, I know that Flyfishdoc is doing it for legal reasons so I understand that, and I am not intending to criticise him.

But that would have to hurt the man inside you I think.

Maybe part of the deal is she doen't get to move him in.


----------



## Malaise

WyshIknew said:


> Thing is, I know that Flyfishdoc is doing it for legal reasons so I understand that, and I am not intending to criticise him.
> 
> But that would have to hurt the man inside you I think.
> 
> Maybe part of the deal is she doen't get to move him in.


Wysh:

this is just my very dry sense of humor

believe me, you and I are sympatico


----------



## theroad

WyshIknew said:


> Thing is, I know that Flyfishdoc is doing it for legal reasons so I understand that, and I am not intending to criticise him.
> 
> But that would have to hurt the man inside you I think.
> 
> Maybe part of the deal is she doen't get to move him in.



Legal as a beagle.

BH moves out.

WW lawyer charges BH with abandonment worsening BH legal position for custody, CS, spousal support, OM moves in.

I repeat BH abandonment caused separation, can be legally bared from returning to his home, Now WW has control over home, gets full custody, even if temp because he abandoned the home. WW moves OM into home. WW shags OM, tells BH to go wank (did I get the lingo correct, was it spot on?).

I guess the OM is the Alpha Male here.


----------



## BjornFree

theroad said:


> Legal as a beagle.
> 
> BH moves out.
> 
> WW lawyer charges BH with abandonment worsening BH legal position for custody, CS, spousal support, OM moves in.
> 
> I repeat BH abandonment caused separation, can be legally bared from returning to his home, Now WW has control over home, gets full custody, even if temp because he abandoned the home. WW moves OM into home. WW shags OM, tells BH to go wank (did I get the lingo correct, was it spot on?).
> 
> I guess the OM is the Alpha Male here.





flyfishdoc said:


> I moved out to spare my kids anymore drama...plus if POSOM moves in my lawyer can use that. Plus I wanted to 180 hard.


Guess the OM is going to be a foolish Alpha Male here.


----------



## survivorwife

theroad said:


> Legal as a beagle.
> 
> BH moves out.
> 
> WW lawyer charges BH with abandonment worsening BH legal position for custody, CS, spousal support, OM moves in.
> 
> I repeat BH abandonment caused separation, can be legally bared from returning to his home, Now WW has control over home, gets full custody, even if temp because he abandoned the home. WW moves OM into home. WW shags OM, tells BH to go wank (did I get the lingo correct, was it spot on?).
> 
> I guess the OM is the Alpha Male here.


On the other hand:

BH moved out due to "extreme emotional abuse" as a result of WS's infidelity and her refusal to leave the marital home. He has no choice. For the sake of the children, he is the one that leaves.

If she moves OM into the marital home to replace the "daddy role", the Courts will frown upon her lack of concern for the children.

The marital home (if jointly owned) still belongs to both of them. No Court can reward sole ownership, however they can determine who gets to occupy the home for a set amount of time "for the children" (as to not disrupt their lives).

Sure, she can claim the he abandoned the home, but he has a valid reason to leave. Look up "constructive abandonment" and you will find that any claim of "abandonment" will not hold assuming he has evidence of her infidelity.

And, so long as the home is jointly owned, unless there is evidence of abuse, he cannot be "banned" from entering his home, where his children reside.

As for the OM, there is no competition here. The BS still holds a major role in this family's decisions and the OM is simply an outsider with no vote.


----------



## turnera

I think his lawyer cleared it for him.


----------



## bestplayer

theroad said:


> Legal as a beagle.
> 
> BH moves out.
> 
> WW lawyer charges BH with abandonment worsening BH legal position for custody, CS, spousal support, OM moves in.
> 
> I repeat BH abandonment caused separation, can be legally bared from returning to his home, Now WW has control over home, gets full custody, even if temp because he abandoned the home. WW moves OM into home. WW shags OM, tells BH to go wank (did I get the lingo correct, was it spot on?).
> 
> I guess the OM is the Alpha Male here.


OK , so the plan is that OP moves out & OM moves in the house to live with his wife & kids ? Are you ok with OM sleeping with your wife in your bedroom while your aren't even divorced yet ? 
I am sorry & I might be naive ,but your lawyer's idea sounds sick to me & more than that your acceptence of this idea . 
You know , its better to get rid of the house rather than allowing OM move in & play house with your wife & kids . 
You show too much beta male behaviour & your wife can never really respect you if you continue like this.


----------



## Racer

bestplayer said:


> OK , so the plan is that OP moves out & OM moves in the house to live with his wife & kids ? Are you ok with OM sleeping with your wife in your bedroom while your aren't even divorced yet ?
> I am sorry & I might be naive ,but your lawyer's idea sounds sick to me & more than that your acceptence of this idea .
> You know , its better to get rid of the house rather than allowing OM move in & play house with your wife & kids .
> You show too much beta male behaviour & your wife can never really respect you if you continue like this.


Bull... OM moves in. Eventually you go in front of a judge in family court. How much do you believe that judge is going to buy into her bull that "you destroyed the marriage and I'm so distraught and devestated that I need alimony for the rest of my life to recover from this." Sorry, but that sort of stuff is going to influence his asset division and term of spousal support in a serious way. It will be obvious to him just how torn up she is about all this and how difficult it was for her to move on. 

If his lawyer does not believe this move will have an effect on "abandonment"... Go for it!

Beta? How freaking beta is it to stay knowing your wife is sleeping with another dude and turning a blind eye toward it? Cuckhold? Like he has control... :scratchhead: She's already off the reservation.


----------



## DCMarriageCounselor

flyfishdoc said:


> I wonder if in the future will she ever feel any remorse.feel any pain for the pain she caused her children?
> See how low she stooped...
> I take comfort that statistically only 10 percent of these affairs turn into a lasting relationship.
> I want her to feel our pain!


Just catching up on the rollercoaster ride here. Hang in there doc. I know this can't be easy. I have been invited to ride on a few dozen of these over the years and I'm not surprised by the intense anger in some of these posts toward your wife....and yet I never, ever forget that underneath the anger is, like you said, "our pain." 

I have been fired for saying this a few times but I say it anyway for the benefit of the majority that do get it and want real help out of the pain: somehow both of you got to this place (of pain) and it will take both of you to get out of it (with less pain). The other options, which everyone else has explored in great depth here, are natural emotional reactions to pain but in the end create more pain, open up more battles, or set you up for being blindsided again some other way after romance of next relationship wanes. 

I know you'd have to swim hard upstream against the current of opinion on this thread, but there are even better ways to get back the power she has taken by having the affair. I'm talking about using, and trusting, your pain...don't avoid it, don't blame her for it, just let it guide you. It will shake you up even more than what she's done but you'll find power that doesn't require fighting at her level, which is short-term quick fix nothing to lose thinking. 

You might even find that she will resonate with you taking the lead into the pain, letting it really show itself without the normal anger that mixes in with it, just real vulnerability, and she won't have anything to fight against. You could find your wife underneath all of her behaviors that have been so outrageously covering her own pain.


----------



## BjornFree

DCMarriageCounselor said:


> Just catching up on the rollercoaster ride here. Hang in there doc. I know this can't be easy. I have been invited to ride on a few dozen of these over the years and I'm not surprised by the intense anger in some of these posts toward your wife....and yet I never, ever forget that underneath the anger is, like you said, "our pain."
> 
> I have been fired for saying this a few times but I say it anyway for the benefit of the majority that do get it and want real help out of the pain: somehow both of you got to this place (of pain) and it will take both of you to get out of it (with less pain). The other options, which everyone else has explored in great depth here, are natural emotional reactions to pain but in the end create more pain, open up more battles, or set you up for being blindsided again some other way after romance of next relationship wanes.
> 
> I know you'd have to swim hard upstream against the current of opinion on this thread, but there are even better ways to get back the power she has taken by having the affair. I'm talking about using, and trusting, your pain...don't avoid it, don't blame her for it, just let it guide you. It will shake you up even more than what she's done but you'll find power that doesn't require fighting at her level, which is short-term quick fix nothing to lose thinking.
> 
> You might even find that she will resonate with you taking the lead into the pain, letting it really show itself without the normal anger that mixes in with it, just real vulnerability, and she won't have anything to fight against. You could find your wife underneath all of her behaviors that have been so outrageously covering her own pain.


Keith, sometimes you have to understand that we all have to face our own battles. OP is not responsible for the way his spouse behaves or what she does for that matter. Her pain or lack thereof is hers to bear and deal with. I think that he's made peace with that fact. The real issue here is strategy. doc's already made up his mind and now all he needs to think about is how best to ensure that he isn't screwed over financially and legally in the divorce. Allowing your emotions or your pain to guide you here rarely if ever helps a betrayed spouse.


----------



## happyman64

But sometimes in life you have to embrace the pain and use it to make tough decisions.

DC is not wrong when he says that.

To do things that will totally shake his wife to the core.

Doc obviously still loves his wife.

Doc still loves his kids.

Do you think they will Divorce and not have a relationship with kids involved in this mess.......

I think Doc getting his space is a good idea.

I also thinks his WW needs to feel the consequences for her poor choices.

That pain is hers to bear.

But the kids are obviously in pain from their mothers actions. So how does Doc ease their burden???

He buries his own pain and attends to theirs. Because his WW is incapable at this time of helping since she s the source of their pain.

Stay strong Doc.

Protect the kids as best you can and distract them as best you can.

HM64


----------



## BjornFree

Good post HM but I don't think DC was talking about the kids at all.


----------



## bfree

DCMarriageCounselor said:


> Just catching up on the rollercoaster ride here. Hang in there doc. I know this can't be easy. I have been invited to ride on a few dozen of these over the years and I'm not surprised by the intense anger in some of these posts toward your wife....and yet I never, ever forget that underneath the anger is, like you said, "our pain."
> 
> I have been fired for saying this a few times but I say it anyway for the benefit of the majority that do get it and want real help out of the pain: somehow both of you got to this place (of pain) and it will take both of you to get out of it (with less pain). The other options, which everyone else has explored in great depth here, are natural emotional reactions to pain but in the end create more pain, open up more battles, or set you up for being blindsided again some other way after romance of next relationship wanes.
> 
> I know you'd have to swim hard upstream against the current of opinion on this thread, but there are even better ways to get back the power she has taken by having the affair. I'm talking about using, and trusting, your pain...don't avoid it, don't blame her for it, just let it guide you. It will shake you up even more than what she's done but you'll find power that doesn't require fighting at her level, which is short-term quick fix nothing to lose thinking.
> 
> You might even find that she will resonate with you taking the lead into the pain, letting it really show itself without the normal anger that mixes in with it, just real vulnerability, and she won't have anything to fight against. You could find your wife underneath all of her behaviors that have been so outrageously covering her own pain.


I don't understand one thing that was said here.


----------



## WyshIknew

bfree said:


> I don't understand one thing that was said here.


I understood "Hang in there Doc. I know this can't be easy."


----------



## happyman64

BjornFree said:


> Good post HM but I don't think DC was talking about the kids at all.


Thankyou.

But I was really talking about him. 

And the kids are still his problem.

Because Mommy's head is not sitting on her shoulders and has not been for a while......

So Daddy has to step up and be there for them 110%


----------



## flyfishdoc

The roller coaster continues...got awesome new condo on ocean yesterday ....beautifuln3bedroom. One son moves right in with me.

Then this am on beach I am taking a walk and who do I see coming butvSTBXW and POSOM .......I turn and walk away....since I have kids and a medical license to worry about...god it was hard.

So I did the next best thing....I ordered a new 911 cabriolet(midnight blue) and posted a profile on match.com. Got some winks and chatted. Told them the truth....but it felt good to talk to another woman. No sexual desire on my part.
I have lost from 250 to 218 by diet and exercise. Got new clothes and a haircut. She looks like anorexic ****....


----------



## turnera

Pretty typical for cheating wives...they end up looking like a heroin-addicted hooker.


----------



## flyfishdoc

Turnera, your so correct. I wish I could post her picture. She looks just like a strung out addict


----------



## livinfree

turnera said:


> Pretty typical for cheating wives...they end up looking like a heroin-addicted hooker.


So true, im stealing that phrase!


----------



## Malaise

flyfishdoc said:


> The roller coaster continues...got awesome new condo on ocean yesterday ....beautifuln3bedroom. One son moves right in with me.
> *
> Then this am on beach I am taking a walk and who do I see coming butvSTBXW and POSOM *.......I turn and walk away....since I have kids and a medical license to worry about...god it was hard.
> 
> So I did the next best thing....I ordered a new 911 cabriolet(midnight blue) and posted a profile on match.com. Got some winks and chatted. Told them the truth....but it felt good to talk to another woman. No sexual desire on my part.
> I have lost from 250 to 218 by diet and exercise. Got new clothes and a haircut. She looks like anorexic ****....


Was this a coincidence or was she rubbing it your face?

If it was the latter she is indeed a piece of work


----------



## flyfishdoc

Just coincidence....it's a small town....


----------



## happyman64

flyfishdoc said:


> Just coincidence....it's a small town....


Coincidence my ass Doc. She did not have to go to the beach!

That is hurtful.

But just goes to show you how lost in the fog she is.

You are going to be great Doc.

Next time go with the Panamera.

You can put 3 babes or your kids in it!

I had a 944, 944Turbo and a 928S4 to help with my pain too! 

Keep your chin up and just talking to the ladies.


----------



## Acabado

flyfishdoc said:


> Just coincidence....it's a small town....


A little confussed. Wasn't she denying the whole thing? How is she now flaunting OM in that small town? Is all now ouyt in the open?
A picture holding hands would be nice.


----------



## DCMarriageCounselor

BjornFree said:


> Her pain or lack thereof is hers to bear and deal with. I think that he's made peace with that fact. The real issue here is strategy. doc's already made up his mind and now all he needs to think about is how best to ensure that he isn't screwed over financially and legally in the divorce. Allowing your emotions or your pain to guide you here rarely if ever helps a betrayed spouse.


I must have misread some earlier posts that showed some uncertainty about how to respond to his wife's cheating. You make a good point....if divorce is the goal than what I said isn't going to make any sense and that advice isn't for him. If he wants to figure out how the marriage got to this point where something like this could happen, and take the lead in making the needed changes, then re-read my post.


----------



## flyfishdoc

Stbxw called Saturday wanting to meet....she dropped alimony to 25 per cent.
I agreed. The deal is done.
Found out my kids had told her to get lost NOW
My new life begins
She looked like ****.......


----------



## Malaise

flyfishdoc said:


> Stbxw called Saturday wanting to meet....she dropped alimony to 25 per cent.
> I agreed. The deal is done.
> *Found out my kids had told her to get lost NOW*
> My new life begins
> *She looked like ****.......[/*QUOTE]
> 
> Doc this will probably get worse for her .
> 
> Your kids will probably not relent for a good while, if ever.
> 
> Eventually she will wake up, literally, lying next to OM , and wonder where her good life went.
> 
> Dollars to doughnuts she'll be calling then.


----------



## happyman64

:iagree:

Before I saws Malaise's post I thought the same thing.

This is typical of a wayward wife, lost in the fog with a clingy POSOM pushing her in the back to move forward as quickly as possible with a D.

She will wakeup. Not in 1 week, not in1 month but more likely after a year.

Your kids have power now and they know it. They used it.

I just hope for your sake Doc that you take the time to heal your heart and your head.

That you keep your children united as a family and not against your wife. She is still their mother. And as stupid and as wayward she has acted towards you and your family, she is still their mother.

I hope you find peace. Because a settlement means nothing in these months to come.

And remember your kids are hurting as bad as you.

Peace.

HM64


----------



## WyshIknew

flyfishdoc said:


> Stbxw called Saturday wanting to meet....she dropped alimony to 25 per cent.
> I agreed. The deal is done.
> Found out my kids had told her to get lost NOW
> My new life begins
> She looked like ****.......


Should you have agreed anything without your attorneys advice?


----------



## flyfishdoc

Didn't sign anything...told her to get me the papers so my lawyer could review.....
My focus is now the kids. She agreed to let me have them all of this week
What to do? Wanna start some new holiday traditions for them.


----------



## walkonmars

flyfishdoc said:


> Didn't sign anything...told her to get me the papers so my lawyer could review.....
> My focus is now the kids. She agreed to let me have them all of this week
> What to do? Wanna start some new holiday traditions for them.


New traditions are a great idea.
Why not tell them this and get suggestions from them. A good opportunity to bond in the new reality.


----------



## MattMatt

Could you exchange the house for your condo? After all, if the children want to stay with you and not her, it would make sense.


----------



## turnera

Go to NPR.org and look up turkeys. They had a weeklong series on Thanksgiving recipes and stuff.


----------



## flyfishdoc

My condo is cooler than the house....ground floor...oceanfront...
Kids love it!


----------



## jim123

flyfishdoc said:


> Stbxw called Saturday wanting to meet....she dropped alimony to 25 per cent.
> I agreed. The deal is done.
> Found out my kids had told her to get lost NOW
> My new life begins
> She looked like ****.......




You will enjoy your new life. You have what is important. The same BS happened to the guy accross the street from me. Wife left for old HS flame 25 years later. Kids disowned her. She was not allowed to her D wedding nor has she seen her grand d. Relationship with OM failed after two years. She lost a lot of business too. The guy accross the street met a wonderfull woman who came out of bad marriage (abuse). He is very happy and life is great. He is a different man. A better man than he was before she left.

Fantasies are just that. Wait until she mets the real OM. What kind of man wants a married woman. She is going to find out.

Your future is bright and the sky is the limit.


----------



## EleGirl

Doc, in this sad situation it seems that you have done about as good as you could. And you have done a good job so far of keeping the drama from costing you a lot of money.

I'm sure that your attorney has told you this, but in many states, when the spouse receiving alimony re-marries or co-habitats they lose their alimony. If the POSOM moves into your house with her you might not have to pay that any more. So just make sure you do not sign anything that limits your rights to go back to court to ask for alimony to be stopped.

Her affair is doomed to fail. Now that you are out of her life it will put more pressure on the affair and it could end sooner than later.
If you want to reconcile, you want the affair to end quickly so that there is a chance that she will come back to you.

If you don’t want to reconcile, you will want the affair to go on so that you are not on the hook for support.

I guess at this point enjoy your new life and your children. Time will tell how this is going to end up.

Good luck on all this.


----------



## WyshIknew

EleGirl said:


> Doc, in this sad situation it seems that you have done about as good as you could. And you have done a good job so far of keeping the drama from costing you a lot of money.
> 
> I'm sure that your attorney has told you this, but in many states, when the spouse receiving alimony re-marries or co-habitats they lose their alimony. If the POSOM moves into your house with her you might not have to pay that any more. So just make sure you do not sign anything that limits your rights to go back to court to ask for alimony to be stopped.
> 
> Her affair is doomed to fail. Now that you are out of her life it will put more pressure on the affair and it could end sooner than later.
> If you want to reconcile, you want the affair to end quickly so that there is a chance that she will come back to you.
> 
> If you don’t want to reconcile, you will want the affair to go on so that you are not on the hook for support.
> 
> I guess at this point enjoy your new life and your children. Time will tell how this is going to end up.
> 
> Good luck on all this.




I understand that if a POSOM moves in the alimony may be forfeit.
What happens when, as it seems they nearly all do, the relationship with the POSOM fails.
Is the Doc on the hook again?


----------



## EleGirl

WyshIknew said:


> I understand that if a POSOM moves in the alimony may be forfeit.
> What happens when, as it seems they nearly all do, the relationship with the POSOM fails.
> Is the Doc on the hook again?


Don't know what state Doc is in.. so speaking generally...

Would Doc be on the hook again? Not usually. 

To be safe he would need to have his attorney put words in the divorce stating that alimony ends upon remarriage or cohabitation. It would be safe to add that once stopped it ends forever.

If she plans to get married or have someone move in she would be wise to push for a higher cut of assets and lower alimony.

They have been married for a long time. She's probably a bit old now to be starting a new career. She's got a problem.


----------



## sharkeey

EleGirl said:


> in many states, when the spouse receiving alimony re-marries or co-habitats they lose their alimony.


Unfortunately it's not that simple. In my state the law clearly states that in the event of cohabitation, alimoney may be forfeit but the problem is that many courts have decided it's not considered true habitation unless they are mingling finances and both contributing to the overhead of the home, and of course that's difficult to prove especially if the couple doesn't make these sorts of things obvious.

At any rate it involves a hearing and additional legal fees, regardless of the outcome.

Remarriage ending alimony is fairly straightforward but what are the odds of that happening prior to the expiration of the alimony order?


----------



## flyfishdoc

Ahhh..life is good....having a great time with kids
Plus met two beautiful ladies on match......
Went to dinner.....her ex husband did the same **** to her....
I have a new best friend.......karma's a *****....
Happy Thanksgiving to all!


----------



## EleGirl

sharkeey said:


> Unfortunately it's not that simple. In my state the law clearly states that in the event of cohabitation, alimoney may be forfeit but the problem is that many courts have decided it's not considered true habitation unless they are mingling finances and both contributing to the overhead of the home, and of course that's difficult to prove especially if the couple doesn't make these sorts of things obvious.
> 
> At any rate it involves a hearing and additional legal fees, regardless of the outcome.
> 
> Remarriage ending alimony is fairly straightforward but what are the odds of that happening prior to the expiration of the alimony order?


I'm sure it's not simple with cohabitation.

And you are right that remarriage before the end of teh alimony is not likely.. unless the new husband has a lot more $$ she can tap into.

I know of quite a few cases of men who have talked women into marriage dispite losing the alimony. The stupid women then mingle the assets they got in the divorce with the those of the new husbands. Teh marriage only lasts long enough for the guy to get his name on the assets. Then he splits. It's an old game.

She ends up losing big time.


----------



## jim123

flyfishdoc said:


> Ahhh..life is good....having a great time with kids
> Plus met two beautiful ladies on match......
> Went to dinner.....her ex husband did the same **** to her....
> I have a new best friend.......karma's a *****....
> Happy Thanksgiving to all!


Doc,

Good for you! In a year or two you will not look back. Sorry to all the ladies out there but it is a man's world in the end. Some luckly lady will land you and she will be so happy to have you. Nice guys do not finish last. They finish best at the end. Find that soulmate!


----------



## Chaparral

Before you get into another relationship, you would b e well advised to read Married Man Sex Life. It is sadly mistitled and has helped many, many men here.


----------



## RAN

DOC. Any updates ?


----------



## flyfishdoc

Hi gang, latest update....I have had more fun in last month than in last 5 years....all clean too!
Currently have SIX lady friends i am seeing for dinner and parties.
Lost 40lbs....bought a new board and live at the beach...in the water often...
STBXW continues to be *****y...i limit my contact to kids/money.
Everybody in town says she looks Soooo unhappy...
Karmas a *****!

Guys out there...if you think she is cheating....pull the handle and get outta there...read my old threads...i was a basket case in October but you can have a happy joyous fee life! Im living proof largely in part to the advice and support of this Board. 

Merry Christmas and Happy Chanukkah!


----------



## Numbersixxx

This looks like a happy ending. Congratulation!


----------



## bfree

There's only one response to your update doc


:toast:


----------



## flyfishdoc

Time to catch y'all up....I gave her a reasonable offer and we divided all the property. She's adamant for a ridiculous alimony amount. I refused that so she filed....she has a dime store lawyer.
Yesterday was the day I had moving van come....she got emotional as my half of our stuff loaded.
What she doesn't know is her BFF gave her over to me BECAUSE she is leaving my 12 yo daughter home alone to go be with POSOM .
I now know a whole lot more.........
I emailed the Bishop to have her removed from being Eucharistic minister and Sunday school teacher.
The d was supposed to be done by now because THEy had planned a cruise this week.....so he went supposedly alone...LMFAO
Last night she's hysterical....told BFF she's losing everything...she acknowledged I'm getting the kids
I got a new house...4th for kids What hurts is all the rewriting of the marital history....she told folks I was a great doctor but horrible father and husband.....told people at church she had tomleave because I was doing drugs.......
All this for a guy that picked her up on the beach in May..............!


----------



## Numbersixxx

Can you sue her for defamation of character?


----------



## kenmoore14217

Just prescribe some medication........ahem!!!!


----------



## Ovid

flyfishdoc said:


> Time to catch y'all up....I gave her a reasonable offer and we divided all the property. She's adamant for a ridiculous alimony amount. I refused that so she filed....she has a dime store lawyer.
> Yesterday was the day I had moving van come....she got emotional as my half of our stuff loaded.
> What she doesn't know is her BFF gave her over to me BECAUSE she is leaving my 12 yo daughter home alone to go be with POSOM .
> I now know a whole lot more.........
> I emailed the Bishop to have her removed from being Eucharistic minister and Sunday school teacher.
> The d was supposed to be done by now because THEy had planned a cruise this week.....so he went supposedly alone...LMFAO
> Last night she's hysterical....told BFF she's losing everything...she acknowledged I'm getting the kids
> I got a new house...4th for kids What hurts is all the rewriting of the marital history....she told folks I was a great doctor but horrible father and husband.....told people at church she had tomleave because I was doing drugs.......
> All this for a guy that picked her up on the beach in May..............!


Sorry for the rewrite but I'm sure by now you knew it was going to happen. The good news is anyone with half a brain can figure out what she did and that it's the real reason for the D.


----------



## tom67

Oh the truth will come out don't worry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

She will implode. The kids will be hurt, of course... why do people do this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Machiavelli

MattMatt said:


> She will implode. The kids will be hurt, of course... why do people do this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Limbic overrides the cortex. Then the rationalization hamster has to run the rewrite program to provide a retroactive justification to reconcile the cognitive dissonance.

What it means is, the guy made her horny, therefore BH is an SOB. See how that works?


----------



## newlife94

flyfishdoc said:


> I got my VAR....but I am in a sensitive line of work. I definitely cannot risk going to jail, as if anybody can....
> Iam at work now overnite...I am an doctor in the hospital.
> She's never worked. I gave her everything...she went on 2 cruises this year, told cold on me 6 weeks after we got back and hooked up with this dude. We have 5 kids...
> I aint perfect but i am not a jerk. I suffer from nice guy syndrome I reckon.
> What gets me is how they can DENY while you wave the evidence right in their face....the look in her eyes is like some alien I never met, not the woman I had known for 30 years.
> 
> One funny note...right after I first figured out who he was...I sent him a friend request on FB and watched her cellphone blowup...LMAO!!:smthumbup:


I did the same thing.... sent the POSOW a FB friend request. And then when I called her... the day after D-day, I told her it was not nice of her to ignore my request. After all, we had so much in common. She was embarrassed and felt about 2 inches tall when I sent all the messages to her family that she had been sending to my H. She was recently divorced (nothing to do with the A as her divorce happened before she met my H)... so the next best thing was to expose to her family. 
I think my H knew after that- I was not playing and not scared.


----------



## Shaggy

Pitty you can't hire a PI to get the pics for the OM on the cruise hooking up, cause you know he's gonna.


----------



## Why Not Be Happy?

Glad to hear Doc. Continue to be tough and stick up for yourself and your kids. Congrats!


----------



## sinnister

Well done FFD.

Calm, calculated all while keeping your kids best interest in perspective. Great work.


----------



## Acabado

flyfishdoc said:


> Last night she's hysterical....told BFF she's losing everything...she acknowledged I'm getting the kids
> I got a new house...4th for kids What hurts is all the rewriting of the marital history....she told folks I was a great doctor but horrible father and husband.....told people at church she had tomleave because I was doing drugs.......
> All this for a guy that picked her up on the beach in May..............!


Don't worry about the badmouthing and rewritting. You are getting the kids basically because she left them to you so... how anybody is going to believe any of that crap about bad father, doing drugs... while people is in the know about OM, when she's going to stop being Minister and Sunday school teacher?
Poeple will start pitying her and realizing the complete delusion and the victim games she's playing.


----------



## turnera

Numbersixxx said:


> Can you sue her for defamation of character?


 Seriously! List the people at church that she told. Scare the crap out of her to get her to stop.


----------



## happyman64

You know Doc, I am happy for you!

Because your STBXW turned out to be such a loser........

Love your kids and protect them.

And of course your wife is losing everything. She is a liar and a cheater.

Pretty soon as more truth comes out she will be left with nothing but the OM. You'll see how quick that relationship folds up.

You have your priorities straight.

I hope your heart, head and soul heal quickly.

HM64


----------



## happyman64

Hey Doc I was thinking of you and wondering how you are???


----------



## LostAndContent

happyman64 said:


> Hey Doc I was thinking of you and wondering how you are???


I'm more curious about how badly his STBXW or Newly XW is doing. I'm confident Doc is doing great, he was on the right track when we last heard from him. She, on the other hand, was on the fast train to ****sville, and I can't wait to hear about her reactions when she arrived.


----------



## flyfishdoc

Hi gang, thanks for checking on me....
Doing well so far. Have a new home on the water and shared custody so far....
New GF for me!! She is 41, I am 53. Beautiful blonde with two daughters by her husband who was killed in a wreck. She is an attorney....her family owns the local bank!! I could not have scripted this any better if I tried......
STBXW hates my new GF..calls her BB for blonde *****....Meanwhile she is still with POSOM although STBXW's BFF tells me he is distancing himself as court draws near....
Stay tuned for mediation, LOL
STBXW is taking me to court April 15 for temporary spousal support...she does not think the $6500 a month I have been giving her since OCT is enough!!!!!
She has lost wt down to 113 and at 5-9 looks like a crack *****...
Oh well, karma is a *****.
Thanks for all the support, I could not have kept my sanity without support from you guys!


----------



## happyman64

Good for you Doc.

Heal.....

By the way how are your kids doing with all this going on?


----------



## tom67

Living well is the best revenge don't give her another penny.


----------



## Machiavelli

flyfishdoc said:


> New GF for me!! She is 41, I am 53. Beautiful blonde with two daughters by her husband who was killed in a wreck. She is an attorney....her family owns the local bank!! I could not have scripted this any better if I tried......
> *STBXW hates my new GF.*.calls her BB for blonde *****....


That bolded part is the outcome every guy here needs to be aiming for.


----------



## Malaise

Machiavelli said:


> That bolded part is the outcome every guy here needs to be aiming for.


This just means that the X is very jealous, not just of the GF but of Doc's new life.

She looks in the mirror and sees how her appearance has gone down. She sees how her kids treat her. She know that Doc is having no problems moving on ( she probably thought that he would be miserable).

And she could be sensing POSOM pulling away.

She knows that if POS leaves that the GF is taking her space with Doc, she would prefer to have that slot unfilled for a return when OM leaves.

But that isn't happening with GF there, is it?

Good for you Doc. Enjoy your new life.

Your X won't be enjoying hers, but that's on her, isn't it?


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

Doc, I'm a newbie, but I've followed your thread from when you first posted. Your last post made me grin to hard, I think I hurt my Face.


----------



## Acabado

:smthumbup:


flyfishdoc said:


> STBXW is taking me to court April 15 for temporary spousal support...she does not think the $6500 a month I have been giving her since OCT is enough!!!!!


It's not actualy about the money per se. That's the only way she can gain some sort of appearance, illusion of control while her whole world around crumbles, from her kids to public respect to OM safety net to STBXBH back up plan. It's going to get even worse.

So glad to hear you are doing well.


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up

Wow! So far this is shaping up to be one of the best endings I have read.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## flyfishdoc

Quick update...the cheating ***** took me to court demanding 11,500 a month temp support.....
Result....she got 4500 monthly and ordered by the judge to pay half the mortgage!!!! LMFAO....she argued with the judge she couldn't pay so judge asked her if she had somewhere else to live??
She looked shellshocked....priceless!!
Florida ends permanent alimony July 1st....shevis SCREWED!!!
Bet POSOM hits the road now as well!
There is a god.....plus the lady judge saw through her adulterous scheme!


----------



## happyman64

flyfishdoc said:


> Quick update...the cheating ***** took me to court demanding 11,500 a month temp support.....
> Result....she got 4500 monthly and ordered by the judge to pay half the mortgage!!!! LMFAO....she argued with the judge she couldn't pay so judge asked her if she had somewhere else to live??
> She looked shellshocked....priceless!!
> Florida ends permanent alimony July 1st....shevis SCREWED!!!
> Bet POSOM hits the road now as well!
> There is a god.....plus the lady judge saw through her adulterous scheme!


Good for you Doc. Sorry you even had to pay her the $4,500 a month.

She does not deserve a penny.

Are you still seeing the nice girl you met?

Better days are ahead for you.

How are your kids holding up by the way?

Hm64


----------



## Malaise

flyfishdoc said:


> Quick update...the cheating ***** took me to court demanding 11,500 a month temp support.....
> Result....she got 4500 monthly and ordered by the judge to pay half the mortgage!!!! LMFAO....she argued with the judge she couldn't pay so judge asked her if she had somewhere else to live??
> She looked shellshocked....priceless!!
> Florida ends permanent alimony July 1st....shevis SCREWED!!!
> *Bet POSOM hits the road now as well!*
> There is a god.....plus the lady judge saw through her adulterous scheme!


Gosh, I thought that it was true love.

Do the kids still shun her? She is screwed, and she did it to herself. That's the best part,IMO, the self destruction. And I bet she thought that she had it all planned out, that you would be the screwed. That look on her face should give you the warm fuzzies for some time. Savor it.

So, after July 1st what will be your payments to her?


----------



## Chaparral

Grannie Clampet used to say,"that tickles my innerds,". I have no idea why that came to mind, hehehe.


----------



## flyfishdoc

kids still shun her. she's down to only her sister and cousin in her camp....but her sister knows she is sick
She drinking like a fish now too She told BFF she doesn't want this out in open court..SO i made sure I told judge about her paramour.
Her attorney tried to attack my relationship with my beautiful blonde GF accusing me of spending money on her...I looked right at my wife and replied,"no, she is wealthy and pays for me"!!!
My attorney now plans to depose her and POSOM before May 30 hoping to force her to settle out of court for around 3000-3500.
Plus I am going after my share of her real estate holdings she inherited 25 yrs ago but I have paid the taxes on and improved the values!! She is gonna have to buy me out or forget her alimony!!
SOMEBODY'S GOING BACK TO WORK....LOL


----------



## tom67

All I can say is you rock an example for all here.:smthumbup:


----------



## Shaggy

You go doc! Nail that lying ...you know what ...

Btw is her posom up on cheaterville.com yet?


----------



## flyfishdoc

Yep, POSOM is def atCheaterville.com


----------



## Jonesey

flyfishdoc said:


> Yep, POSOM is def atCheaterville.com


Link please If you are up fore it of course


----------



## Malaise

Jonesey said:


> Link please If you are up fore it of course


I'll take one also,please


----------



## WyshIknew

Yep me too, you never know there might be a few comments left.


----------



## carpenoctem

please don't forget to tell her:
"honey, when all is said and done, you cheating on me & leaving me has been the second-best thing that ever happened in my life. X (your new GF) thinks so too. Everything turned out so much better for me since you dumped me. Thank you!"

(the best being the birth of your children, presumably).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anchorwatch

Glad to hear how positive things are turning out, Doc.

You put a big change in her plans, since that dinner she told the kids how things were going to be. Bully for you and the kids.

How is she doing in church lately? Hiding in the back pew with her OM?

Send the link in a PM, glad to up the view count.

Best wishes.


----------



## happyman64

ANd you know Doc sending her back to work is not revenge.

It is just a consequence of her actions.

Stick to your guns Doc.

And I am glad your GF is still around. I think thats cool.

I hope your wife smartens up and settles.

HM64


----------



## Malaise

happyman64 said:


> ANd you know Doc sending her back to work is not revenge.
> 
> It is just a consequence of her actions.
> 
> Stick to your guns Doc.
> 
> And I am glad your GF is still around. I think thats cool.
> 
> I hope your wife smartens up and settles.
> 
> HM64


Working, they say, builds character.

We got one heck of a construction project here.


----------



## JustAnotherMan

Doc, it is time to pull out the flyrod and find a place to relax and flip a fly.

You have been through h*ll with your STBXW, your recent turn of events make my heart smile for you.


----------



## turnera

I'd like the link, too, please. 

SO happy for you, Doc.


----------



## husbandfool

Any updates FFDoc? How are you doing?


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

husbandfool said:


> Any updates FFDoc? How are you doing?


Yes, please.

I hope you're doing well...


----------



## Ovid

Yes, please update.


----------



## LostAndContent

Best wishes Doc. Hope you and your children are doing well and your college age kids are enjoying summer home at the condo.


----------



## flyfishdoc

Thanks guys...I'm doing great. Sitting on my dock tonite smoking a stogie while GF and kids are inside watching TV. Meanwhile STBXW is enjoying the world of **** she created. Her and POS are now fighting according to her BFF....plus STBXW walked into the same sushi bar kids and I were enjoying sushi at along with beautiful lawyer GF of mine. It really does seem too good to be true. Kids ignored her. She ate alone ...
Mediation was of course an impasse so court is next...but STBXW has gone into stall mode since her lawyer told her the temp support was as good as its gonna be for her and its going south after that. So she is totally screwed.....
Which is where every cheater needs to be !!!
God is good...I count my blessings daily
My lawyer is preparing to depose STBXW and POS. 
yes I will be there 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Malaise

flyfishdoc said:


> Thanks guys...I'm doing great. Sitting on my dock tonite smoking a stogie while GF and kids are inside watching TV. Meanwhile STBXW is enjoying the world of **** she created. Her and POS are now fighting according to her BFF....*plus STBXW walked into the same sushi bar kids and I were enjoying sushi at along with beautiful lawyer GF of mine. It really does seem too good to be true. Kids ignored her. She ate alone ...*Mediation was of course an impasse so court is next...but STBXW has gone into stall mode since her lawyer told her the temp support was as good as its gonna be for her and its going south after that. So she is totally screwed.....
> Which is where every cheater needs to be !!!
> God is good...I count my blessings daily
> My lawyer is preparing to depose STBXW and POS.
> yes I will be there
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is the karma trifecta

This is the world she wanted, may she enjoy it for many years to come


----------



## LostViking

The kids inored her? 


Oh man oh man......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

I'm glad to hear of how well you AND your GF are doing.

The rest is just icing on the karma-cake.


----------



## LostAndContent

Glad to hear it Doc


----------



## lordmayhem

flyfishdoc said:


> Thanks guys...I'm doing great. Sitting on my dock tonite smoking a stogie while GF and kids are inside watching TV. Meanwhile STBXW is enjoying the world of **** she created. Her and POS are now fighting according to her BFF....plus STBXW walked into the same sushi bar kids and I were enjoying sushi at along with beautiful lawyer GF of mine. It really does seem too good to be true. Kids ignored her. She ate alone ...
> Mediation was of course an impasse so court is next...but STBXW has gone into stall mode since her lawyer told her the temp support was as good as its gonna be for her and its going south after that. So she is totally screwed.....
> Which is where every cheater needs to be !!!
> God is good...I count my blessings daily
> My lawyer is preparing to depose STBXW and POS.
> yes I will be there
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's an awesome update. I thought your lawyer was supposed to depose them before May 30?



flyfishdoc said:


> My attorney now plans to depose her and POSOM before May 30 hoping to force her to settle out of court for around 3000-3500.
> Plus I am going after my share of her real estate holdings she inherited 25 yrs ago but I have paid the taxes on and improved the values!! She is gonna have to buy me out or forget her alimony!!
> SOMEBODY'S GOING BACK TO WORK....LOL


Anyway, she hasn't worked in 28 years, and flushed her whole life and family down the drain, all for an OM who picked her up on the beach in May of last year. 

Was she ever removed as a eucharistic minister and Sunday school teacher? You said you emailed the bishop. I would NOT want to be served holy communion by some who is actively in an adulterous affair, or teaching my children in Sunday school. That's the height of hypocracy.


----------



## Rottdad42

Damn Doc, I read your entire thread. What a mess. 30 years and then this. It takes a certain person to be able to pull this off, in light of the emotional connection. I understand. It's not easy to walk away. Karma bus has arrived. I wish the best for you and your children. It also sounds like you you found someone who will be there for you. Way to man up and not swallow any crap she puts out.
I would def like to hear more updates on this tragedy, because that's what it is. Three decades of memories his very hard to watch fade away. Best of luck to you.


----------



## LostViking

Why the fvck would a woman, who blew up her marriage, walk into a restaurant, sit down near her ex and his new girlfriend, with her children ignoring her, and then continue to eat her meal? 

How often does that happen without someone making a scene?

Those must be some shut off, cold kids to sit there and enjoy a meal with their mom sitting nearby alone.

:scratchhead:

Hmmmmm..........

I wonder......


----------



## SadandAngry

I very much doubt they were cold on the inside, but good on them for not giving the idiot a reaction like she was fishing for.


----------



## LostViking

He needs to flesh out that particular scene. 

I'm not buying it that his ex would have just sat there and ate her meal quietly while her children were sitting a few feet away ignoring her. No mother, regardless of how bad a cheat she was, could stay there and take that. Now if she came in to grab a takeout and then left quickly I could see that....

I need a more realistic picture drawn, otherwise I'm calling B.S. on this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

LostViking said:


> He needs to flesh out that particular scene.
> 
> I'm not buying it that his ex would have just sat there and ate her meal quietly while her children were sitting a few feet away ignoring her. No mother, regardless of how bad a cheat she was, could stay there and take that. Now if she came in to grab a takeout and then left quickly I could see that....
> 
> I need a more realistic picture drawn, otherwise I'm calling B.S. on this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know the rules, Lv.

We don't call BS, we call a moderator. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LostViking

I'm not saying he's lying. I'm saying the story needs to be detailed better. I have questions that's all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Malaise

LostViking said:


> He needs to flesh out that particular scene.
> 
> I'm not buying it that his ex would have just sat there and ate her meal quietly while her children were sitting a few feet away ignoring her. No mother, regardless of how bad a cheat she was, could stay there and take that. Now if she came in to grab a takeout and then left quickly I could see that....
> 
> I need a more realistic picture drawn, otherwise I'm calling B.S. on this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can see this happening. We all know people who are very proud, very stubborn. People who will not admit that they are wrong. And who would rather sit there, in that situation, rather than get up and leave, and lose face.

People like this , in an affair, would rather lose the marriage and family than let the other spouse 'win'. Pride goeth before a fall.

The Greeks called it 'hubris'.


----------



## LostViking

Malaise said:


> I can see this happening. We all know people who are very proud, very stubborn. People who will not admit that they are wrong. And who would rather sit there, in that situation, rather than get up and leave, and lose face.
> 
> People like this , in an affair, would rather lose the marriage and family than let the other spouse 'win'. Pride goeth before a fall.
> 
> The Greeks called it 'hubris'.


That just floors me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LostViking

MattMatt said:


> You know the rules, Lv.
> 
> We don't call BS, we call a moderator.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And I don't appreciate being threatened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SadandAngry

That wasn't a threat, that was a joke! What's your story (bullet points, I'm too lazy/busy to go look and see if you posted it. You weren't the cheater were you?


----------



## LostViking

SadandAngry said:


> That wasn't a threat, that was a joke! What's your story (bullet points, I'm too lazy/busy to go look and see if you posted it. You weren't the cheater were you?


My first wife cheated on me twenty one years or so ago. Cheated on me before and after our wedding. After I caught her kissing and snuggling with an OM at a pub within a few months after our wedding, I kicked her out and filed for annulment. 

Last year after my second divorce from WifeII she contacted me through FB and we reunited for a couple of days. She finally gave me the long awaited for apology that I had waited two decades to get. She also admitted she had been a serial cheater. We almost R'd but the good folks here at TAM steered me away from that disaster.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LostViking

And I can never tell when MM is joking or serious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

LostViking said:


> I'm not saying he's lying. I'm saying the story needs to be detailed better. I have questions that's all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You don't know anyone who would act like that, huh?

An entitled princess would. They would do it as a matter of pride.

Plus she would think that as the children would not speak to her that evil husband (TM) had turned them against her, so she'd have gone into F.Y.A. mode, and faced them out.

Shows how whacked her thinking is.


----------



## MattMatt

LostViking said:


> And I can never tell when MM is joking or serious.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Neither can I. 

Apparently it makes negotiating in a business setting with me a bit of a chore!:rofl:


----------



## LostViking

MattMatt said:


> *You don't know anyone who would act like that, huh?*
> An entitled princess would. They would do it as a matter of pride.
> 
> Plus she would think that as the children would not speak to her that evil husband (TM) had turned them against her, so she'd have gone into F.Y.A. mode, and faced them out.
> 
> Shows how whacked her thinking is.


No. Not in my circles. I really don't. That is stoicism that borders on sociopathy.


----------



## torn2012

There is so much win in this thread. A triumph of good over evil. 

You must be a doctor of being awesome.


----------



## MattMatt

LostViking said:


> And I don't appreciate being threatened.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did not threaten you. Nobody threatened you. Where the heck did you get that idea from?:scratchhead:


----------



## MattMatt

LostViking said:


> No. Not in my circles. I really don't. That is stoicism that borders on sociopathy.


Sociopathic behaviour... Hmmm. You might have something, there. Perhaps she is a sociopath?


----------



## LostViking

MattMatt said:


> I did not threaten you. Nobody threatened you. Where the heck did you get that idea from?:scratchhead:


Every time a poster dares to question the honesty of an OP's post he or she gets threatened for calling troll.

I was not calling him a troll. I'm just saying this is a very far fetched anecdote and I don't believe this particular scene played out exactly like FFD said it did. Everything about it goes against human behavior. 

That is what your comment sounded like you were saying. But like I said....half the time I cannot understand what the hell you are saying MM. 

Are you sure you're not Scottish?


----------



## LostViking

And for the record English is not my first language. So sometimes I get the meaning of sentences turned around.


----------



## JCD

It might be culturally unrealistic to you, but it IS human behavior. I can easily see that.

For the life of me, I can't believe Japanese wives of a certain era scrimped and saved money and paid her husbanss's hooker bills (and I REALLY cabn't believe he ate her cooking without a food taster afterward)

But it's true. There is more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LostViking

JCD said:


> It might be culturally unrealistic to you, but it IS human behavior. I can easily see that.
> 
> For the life of me, I can't believe Japanese wives of a certain era scrimped and saved money and paid her husbanss's hooker bills (and I REALLY cabn't believe he ate her cooking without a food taster afterward)
> 
> But it's true. There is more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE
> 
> 
> Well lets go on. Even though I think it's bunk, I won't derail the thread. On with the show.....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Iver

I could see this happening simply out of embarrassment on behalf of the ex-wife and even the kids...nobody wants an uncomfortable scene so they all stay put.

Not that hard to imagine.


----------



## Nucking Futs

LostViking said:


> Every time a poster dares to question the honesty of an OP's post he or she gets threatened for calling troll.
> 
> I was not calling him a troll. I'm just saying this is a very far fetched anecdote and I don't believe this particular scene played out exactly like FFD said it did. Everything about it goes against human behavior.
> 
> That is what your comment sounded like you were saying. But like I said....half the time I cannot understand what the hell you are saying MM.
> 
> Are you sure you're not Scottish?


He wasn't threatening you, he was trying to warn you in an attempt to keep you from being banned.


----------



## LostViking

Like I said, rant over. It's not that important.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jack.c

i love this thread!


----------



## Why Not Be Happy?

any updates doc?


----------



## happyman64

Doc

I was thinking of you and your kids.

How are all of you doing?

HM


----------



## flyfishdoc

Here is the latest update gang. Its DDAY plus 13...trial is the 23rd.
Depositions were a hoot...Her attorney kept having to tell her to calm down. He had to take her out into the hallway several times...Of course she lied her ass off about finances and her POSOM. She stated they met in May 2012 but only became a couple AFTER she filed for D.
Then POSOM had his depo...the loser said they took their first shower in APRIL 2012 and were a couple before Christmas. He stated he could see how people thought they were having an affair.....admitted his other married gf just got busted for sale and manufactured of meth...LMFAO!!
She still is trying to play the victim which is such a joke. All the midlife crisis behaviors such as piercing her belly button, hoochie clothes...at age 53!! Really??My adult kids are no longer talking to her. Her BFF of 30 years and she are no longer talking....
Made her a generous offer of nonmodifiable alimony for 15 years...she could still marry...but she refused. Soooo...off to court we go next week. My atty says she is gonna be so disappointed!
I hope he is correct.
She looks like a crack ho....now at 5-9 and 112 lbs....All for a bozo she has now known for 17 mos??? Threw away a 30 year marriage, family, long term friends. Rewrote marital history....
I wonder what she will look like a year from now?
She HATES my gf guts....wonder if it is because she is beautiful and 12 years younger?? STBXW about came out of her chair when my GF testified we had just gotten back from my daughter's college parents weekend.....oh well, **** happens


----------



## tom67

flyfishdoc said:


> Here is the latest update gang. Its DDAY plus 13...trial is the 23rd.
> Depositions were a hoot...Her attorney kept having to tell her to calm down. He had to take her out into the hallway several times...Of course she lied her ass off about finances and her POSOM. She stated they met in May 2012 but only became a couple AFTER she filed for D.
> Then POSOM had his depo...the loser said they took their first shower in APRIL 2012 and were a couple before Christmas. He stated he could see how people thought they were having an affair.....admitted his other married gf just got busted for sale and manufactured of meth...LMFAO!!
> She still is trying to play the victim which is such a joke. All the midlife crisis behaviors such as piercing her belly button, hoochie clothes...at age 53!! Really??My adult kids are no longer talking to her. Her BFF of 30 years and she are no longer talking....
> Made her a generous offer of nonmodifiable alimony for 15 years...she could still marry...but she refused. Soooo...off to court we go next week. My atty says she is gonna be so disappointed!
> I hope he is correct.
> She looks like a crack ho....now at 5-9 and 112 lbs....All for a bozo she has now known for 17 mos??? Threw away a 30 year marriage, family, long term friends. Rewrote marital history....
> I wonder what she will look like a year from now?
> She HATES my gf guts....wonder if it is because she is beautiful and 12 years younger?? STBXW about came out of her chair when my GF testified we had just gotten back from my daughter's college parents weekend.....oh well, **** happens


Good to hear her loss:smthumbup:


----------



## kenmoore14217

Thanks for the update.


----------



## MattMatt

53 years, huh? 53 years when she goes from normal person to loser person. 

She thinks she's a winner, but everyone but her POSOM know differently.


----------



## happyman64

Doc
I hope her nonsense ends in 13 days.

Hope the kids are handling their nutty mom as best they can.

Your GF actually testified??

She is a keeper Doc.

Looks, brains and she must care for you and your kids a lot.

Good Luck

HM


----------



## SaltInWound

flyfishdoc said:


> She looks like a crack ho....now at 5-9 and 112 lbs....All for a bozo she has now known for 17 mos??? Threw away a 30 year marriage, family, long term friends. Rewrote marital history....
> I wonder what she will look like a year from now?
> *She HATES my gf guts....wonder if it is because she is beautiful and 12 years younger?? * STBXW about came out of her chair when my GF testified we had just gotten back from my daughter's college parents weekend.....oh well, **** happens


 At the end of the day, it isn't the looks or the age that causes grief. It is the fact that she thought she could have better. She thought she could have a better man, meanwhile have you take care of her through the divorce settlement. Now, she realizes none of that is coming to fruition. And she looks back at the mess her life has become and realizes she has been replaced.....and she is not as important as she thought she was. That someone else is even capable of filling her role as a mother. This new woman you are with could be uglier and older and she would feel the same.


----------



## SadandAngry

So wait, she didn't even try to get POSOM to line up his story with hers? Or did he try, and your lawyer helped his memory improve?


----------



## BK23

You are an inspiration. Good luck with the trial!


----------



## Shaggy

Loving it. Well played sir.


----------



## Malaise

She's lost weight, " looks like a crack ho ", and POSOM knows people in the meth trade.

Any chance that she's partaking of meth, and does that matter at trial?


----------



## Mr Right

I rate this thread an A, as in A for AWESOME. 

Totally recommend for those who like a happy ending. Just one more thing Doc please come back and let us know how things are going every now and then cause you are one COOL guy. All the best for the future.


----------



## jack.c

just wanted to bump in for any updates doc....


----------



## weightlifter

Ouch. Evidence she is on meth? Does she have meth teeth now?


----------



## flyfishdoc

Thanks for checking! Just waiting on the judges ruling. I knew when the judge said they ruling would be out by end of Nov. that was optimistic.....
wonderful STBXW came to my house and took away my 13 yr old daughter from my GF at MIDNIGHT while i was at work....
Kids say she is drinking a lot every night....looks like an anorexic dried up cougar.....interestingly she has been twice to visit my parents in the last month...after no contact in a year. Dad said she was acting manic...WTF??


----------



## SaltInWound

flyfishdoc said:


> Kids say she is drinking a lot every night....looks like an anorexic dried up cougar.....interestingly she has been twice to visit my parents in the last month...after no contact in a year. Dad said she was acting manic...WTF??


Fun is over.


----------



## loopy lu

Drugs?


----------



## Malaise

flyfishdoc said:


> Thanks for checking! Just waiting on the judges ruling. I knew when the judge said they ruling would be out by end of Nov. that was optimistic.....
> wonderful STBXW came to my house and took away my 13 yr old daughter from my GF at MIDNIGHT while i was at work....
> *Kids say she is drinking a lot every night....looks like an anorexic dried up cougar.....interestingly she has been twice to visit my parents in the last month...after no contact in a year. Dad said she was acting manic...WTF?*?


When reality hits it hits hard. Obviously, she thought that this would end differently.


----------



## manticore

Hi flyfishdoc.

I just read your whole thread, and I applaud you for the way handled the whole situation, I have to admit that sometimes I got depressed to see how WW get away with everything, crush the betrayed spouse and leave him in total despair, so to see how you didn't let your wife fool you or take adventage of you is a nice change of tone.

I hope things end well in court for you, and you enjoy you new force freedom with a personj who velues you as you deserve.

I a way I feel sorry for your STBXW, because in some months or years from now she will wake up and realize how much she has lost and she will not understand how that even happened.

Maybe she will never accept it, but probably she already knows that she made the worst mistake of her life by involving herself with POSOM.


----------



## manticore

flyfishdoc said:


> .....admitted his other married gf just got busted for sale and manufactured of meth...LMFAO!!


Question here

by this you mean that he was having an affair with another married woman while he was having the affair with your wife?

so he had screw 2 married women, and one was involved in criminal activities and he is working for the goverment as nothing? or I am missunderstanding?


----------



## happyman64

flyfishdoc said:


> Thanks for checking! Just waiting on the judges ruling. I knew when the judge said they ruling would be out by end of Nov. that was optimistic.....
> wonderful STBXW came to my house and took away my 13 yr old daughter from my GF at MIDNIGHT while i was at work....
> Kids say she is drinking a lot every night....looks like an anorexic dried up cougar.....interestingly she has been twice to visit my parents in the last month...after no contact in a year. Dad said she was acting manic...WTF??


Geesshhhh Doc. Your STBXW is getting nuttier as the weeks roll by.

Glad your GF is in the picture and protect your kids as best you can.

Sounds like you do not have much longer to wait for a decision by the judge.

Full custody of the kids might be in your future if the Ex does not clean up her act.

How have your parents reacted to the STBX reaching out to them?

HM


----------



## vellocet

> Just confonted her-she wants ME to move out!


Oh no she didn't. Hell no!! Tell her you aren't going anywhere, and that she is the skank that cheated, if she wants to leave she knows where the door is.

She can go live with her BF in his beachfront condo, but something tells me he doesn't want her THAT much.

And any attorney will tell you to NOT move out of the house, unless of course you don't want the house in divorce and want her to pay you half the equity.

EDIT, just saw this is very old. Sorry. Good that you are in the works of getting rid of this huss.


----------



## vellocet

> Kids say she is drinking a lot every night


Document this and tell your attorney, as well as the part about her coming and taking the kids away at midnight.


----------



## flyfishdoc

Ok guys its Judgement Day.....I am now officially DIVORCED!!
Ex only got a little over HALF of what she asked for as monthly alimony. Permanent since its FLorida. CS 500 bucks for each kid.
She has to pay 49% of kids medical/orthodontic/dental expenses.
Funny thing is, at mediation I offered her the same amount as nonmodifiable alimony meaning she could have gotten married and still bankrolled it until age 70 but she refused.....oh well, guess she's kicking herself now....
I guess I did ok. What do yall think???


----------



## tom67

flyfishdoc said:


> Ok guys its Judgement Day.....I am now officially DIVORCED!!
> Ex only got a little over HALF of what she asked for as monthly alimony. Permanent since its FLorida. CS 500 bucks for each kid.
> She has to pay 49% of kids medical/orthodontic/dental expenses.
> Funny thing is, at mediation I offered her the same amount as nonmodifiable alimony meaning she could have gotten married and still bankrolled it until age 70 but she refused.....oh well, guess she's kicking herself now....
> I guess I did ok. What do yall think???


You did fine imo:smthumbup:


----------



## tom67

How is it going with the gf?


----------



## LongWalk

Sad self destruction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Malaise

Good for you Doc. She seems to have seriously underestimated you, your resolve, and the cards you were holding.

Possible drug use was touched upon before. Any proof of that, besides her incredible stupidity handling this ?

She screwed herself bigtime. She knows it.

Enjoy your life, Doc.


----------



## OldWolf57

Happy for you Doc, it was hard reading how you still loved her, but so uplifting watching you grow.

Now, how much of her R.E. did you get ??


----------



## PeaceTrain

67flh said:


> take a new job in one of those bakwards countrys that pays nothing,leave her high and dry...seriously cut OFF her cash supply now.


Tell me more about this. Can I quit my job since I know I can get one whenever. Why this is not a best approach towards cheating spies while getting divorced if I can?


----------



## turnera

What an idiot. Well, more like a spoiled brat. And we know what happens to them.


----------



## SadandAngry

PeaceTrain said:


> Tell me more about this. Can I quit my job since I know I can get one whenever. Why this is not a best approach towards cheating spies while getting divorced if I can?


A lot of places would look at a few year's history when determining support, so quitting for the duration of the divorce process is pointless.


----------



## workindad

You did very well. Your rid of that witch and can rebuild your life new again.


----------



## JCD

This isn't a happy thing at all! It's a sad thing. A relationship he seemed to enjoy came crashing down with a horrible painful betrayal.

This otherwise good women has suddenly self destructed and may be going off the rails.

Some children are going to be hurt in the fallout of all of this since they are still being held in custody by her.

So please tell me: where is the 'win' in this for anyone?

Yes, congratulations that you didn't totally get d*cked over. It's seldom we read about something like this. This is the silver lining in an otherwise dark cloud.

I wish you both the best.


----------



## happyman64

Doc

Glad you are divorced and sad as well for you.

Your wife left you no choice.

How are your kids doing?

HM


----------



## weightlifter

Perm alimony? Thought you said they ended that july 1 in another post.


----------



## Nucking Futs

weightlifter said:


> Perm alimony? Thought you said they ended that july 1 in another post.


Gov vetoed it, didn't want the part where it would be retroactive. The legislature will do it again this year without that part and he said he'd sign it. Won't help flyfishdoc though.


----------



## sammy3

delete


----------



## sammy3

Just finished reading your thread, and it makes me so very sad and fearful, maybe because I'm a female who lost her "mojo" since her h affair, and probably look now like poster wife. :-(

One poster is so right when he writes, "sorry ladies, it's a man's world," The judge gives a women of 30 year marriage 4000k to live on?monthly??? That is about $133.oo an hour, her h probably makes that in 1/2 of hour in time of work?? maybe 15 mins, depending on...

Yes, I know wife was the cheater, and brought this all on herself, but the whole story is just one that is so sad to me... because, regardless if the wife is the cheater or not, a women of 30+ years in a long time marriage, that gave her life to a man and family, is usually thrown under the bus in so many way when a marriage ends... 

-sammy 

Like the poster said, "It's a man's world."


----------



## GusPolinski

She used an affair to end her 30-year marriage. If she was hit w/ a bus it's because she laid down in front of it.

And who can't live on 4K per month? Either way, assuming that my children were grown, out of the house, and able to fend for themselves, I would burn my life to the ground before paying even a single penny of alimony to a wife that had betrayed me.


----------



## Malaise

In a 'fault' state she would get nothing.

Gus is right, this is self-inflicted.


----------



## cool12

sorry sammy but i'm not seeing the injustice here. many people work their asses off and never make 4k a month. 
she cheated and still gets paid. it doesn't seem fair to the OP imo.


----------



## GusPolinski

cool12 said:


> sorry sammy but i'm not seeing the injustice here. many people work their asses off and never make 4k a month.
> she cheated and still gets paid. it doesn't seem fair to the OP imo.


Nope. Not fair at all.


----------



## Nostromo

sammy3 said:


> Yes, I know wife was the cheater, and brought this all on herself, but the whole story is just one that is so sad to me... because, regardless if the wife is the cheater or not, a women of 30+ years in a long time marriage, that gave her life to a man and family, is usually thrown under the bus in so many way when a marriage ends...
> 
> -sammy
> 
> Like the poster said, "It's a man's world."


Wow....We always hear people asking why men are "opting out" of the institution of marriage in droves. Well here's your answer.


----------



## sammy3

cool12 said:


> sorry sammy but i'm not seeing the injustice here. many people work their asses off and never make 4k a month.
> she cheated and still gets paid. it doesn't seem fair to the OP imo.




I think my post was misunderstood. No way do I think the cheater should be paid off !!!! That wasn't my intent. 

My hubbby was the cheater... and if I D him, I'll be throw under the bus... my hubby life is going the way doc flyfish is, where mine has gone,((no drugs, or cheating)) the way his wife's gone...

I was writing a long term marriage that ends in D, the women is mostly the one who becomes the new poor. 

But no... I agree, I think infidelity should be use in D case... No flyfish doc should not have to pay... 

As far as the 4000k a month, yes, I agree, good money, I was using it in comparison if you had a cheater not wanting to give a decent support to what he was earning...

-sammy


sorry to get everyone knickers twisted in a bunch ...


----------



## barbados

Sammy,

First, I'm sorry for what your WH has done to you and your life. But you are using the WRONG thread to try to illustrate your point, because FlyFishDoc's exW was really a huge scuz bag to him, and sher frankly deserves what she gets.

You on the other hand DID NOT deserve what has happened to you.


----------



## just got it 55

sammy3 said:


> Just finished reading your thread, and it makes me so very sad and fearful, maybe because I'm a female who lost her "mojo" since her h affair, and probably look now like poster wife. :-(
> 
> One poster is so right when he writes, "sorry ladies, it's a man's world," The judge gives a women of 30 year marriage 4000k to live on?monthly??? That is about $133.oo an hour, her h probably makes that in 1/2 of hour in time of work?? maybe 15 mins, depending on...
> 
> Yes, I know wife was the cheater, and brought this all on herself, but the whole story is just one that is so sad to me... because, regardless if the wife is the cheater or not, a women of 30+ years in a long time marriage, that gave her life to a man and family, is usually thrown under the bus in so many way when a marriage ends...
> 
> -sammy
> 
> Like the poster said, "It's a man's world."


Not the world Most Men are living in Sammy


----------



## sammy3

My bad... Sorry, meant not to hijack flyfish doc good news! 

I am more than anyone happy he'll move on to a better place, a happier place, a kinder place, and a place he can fall in love all over again at a later time in life. What a better way to go... 

Good luck Doc, 

Fly fish the Snake... A great river! 

~sammy


----------



## flyfishdoc

Time for an update...sorry I have been so busy with work and life!
My gf and I are engaged . working on issues of blended families i.e. trying to get 4 teenage girls to get along (mine plus hers)! thats going better now.
My WS truly looks like she has been on crack!! Folks tell me they don't recognize her....all her ribs are showing and her face looks sunken in and wrinkled.
My dad died in July ( he was 93) and WS was suddenly calling me...wanting to "be there for me".....came to funeral home visitation for 2 whole hrs then my parents house after the funeral for 4 hrs...I ignored her. My fiance was steamed that WS showed up....
only lingering emotional problem for me is that WS has been showing up to my kids HS football games complete with POSOM. My kids won't talk to him or interact with him at all. I resist the urge to punch him in the nose after all the pain he caused my kids-those 2 cheaters are beyond selfish....I understand it is a public venue but seriously ??
After NC other than kid stuff WS suddenly asked me at the game last week (POSOM not there) to sit with her and our other kid which I did as it was the childs bday. Then she asked me to kid' sbday dinner afterward......talked my ear off as if nothing ever happened between us...made a big deal out of giving me a 192 dollar check toward older son's college tuition (LMAO). she even drove it to my house to put it in my hand even after I told her to just MAIL IT!
I am like WTF...what do you want??
Other than being a malignant narcissist looking for nacissistic supply I cannot figure her out.
Any thoughts?


----------



## tom67

flyfishdoc said:


> Time for an update...sorry I have been so busy with work and life!
> My gf and I are engaged . working on issues of blended families i.e. trying to get 4 teenage girls to get along (mine plus hers)! thats going better now.
> My WS truly looks like she has been on crack!! Folks tell me they don't recognize her....all her ribs are showing and her face looks sunken in and wrinkled.
> My dad died in July ( he was 93) and WS was suddenly calling me...wanting to "be there for me".....came to funeral home visitation for 2 whole hrs then my parents house after the funeral for 4 hrs...I ignored her. My fiance was steamed that WS showed up....
> only lingering emotional problem for me is that WS has been showing up to my kids HS football games complete with POSOM. My kids won't talk to him or interact with him at all. I resist the urge to punch him in the nose after all the pain he caused my kids-those 2 cheaters are beyond selfish....I understand it is a public venue but seriously ??
> After NC other than kid stuff WS suddenly asked me at the game last week (POSOM not there) to sit with her and our other kid which I did as it was the childs bday. Then she asked me to kid' sbday dinner afterward......talked my ear off as if nothing ever happened between us...made a big deal out of giving me a 192 dollar check toward older son's college tuition (LMAO). she even drove it to my house to put it in my hand even after I told her to just MAIL IT!
> I am like WTF...what do you want??
> Other than being a malignant narcissist looking for nacissistic supply I cannot figure her out.
> Any thoughts?


Ignore and focus on fiance.
Sorry about your father.


----------



## missthelove2013

flyfishdoc said:


> *She's never worked. I gave her everything*...:


I know this is an old thread and I havent finished it yet

BUT THIS QUOTE SHOULD BE A STICKY...AS TO WHAT NEVER TO DO IN A MARRIAGE...IT AINT THE 50'S ANYMORE...SHE CAN GET A JOB AND CONTRIBUTE

imo both spouses need to be aware of monitary issues, whats coming in, whats going out, and make sacrifices...both need to make decisions when to tighten belt and when to splurge...it cant just be one telling the other, or protecting the other by keeping them oblivious and giving them a bottomless purse...

she has no idea the value of hard work vs the compensation you recieve...:scratchhead::scratchhead:


----------



## turnera

Obviously, she wants what she threw away.


----------



## bandit.45

It's called friend-zoning. Women do it often, men occasionally. 

See, if she can get you to be friends with her, after all the horrible things she has done, then in her mind you have forgiven her and all those transgressions magically disappear. She gets to live the illusion that all of those things never happened, that no one is angry at her anymore, and she is not a two-timing lying snake. 

By putting on a show that you two are still chatty and friendly, she can then proudly tell all her friends and family that the two of you have broken the arrow, are good supportive friends, and that the marriage just never would have worked no matter how hard the two of you tried. You were good friends who should have just never gotten married...blah, blah....

She gets off Scott free without ever having to do anything to heal the wounds she has inflicted. 

The friend zoning may also have a jealousy component. She sees you moving up and upgrading to this better woman and it doesn't sit well with her. She wants to think she still has some kind of emotional hold on you no matter how slight.


----------



## GusPolinski

turnera said:


> Obviously, she wants what she threw away.


Agreed. It's a lukewarm expression of guilt and regret, possibly held in check by stubbornness and pride.

Doc, I hope you took the check and used it to buy some good scotch.


----------



## turnera

I think she'd drop her OM in a heartbeat if you said you'd take her back.


----------



## tom67

GusPolinski said:


> Agreed. It's a lukewarm expression of guilt and regret, possibly held in check by stubbornness and pride.
> 
> Doc, I hope you took the check and used it to buy some good scotch.


20 year tawny port


----------



## bandit.45

Tell her you are not her friend....don't want to be her friend. Tell her to keep conversation centered to the kids. Tell her politely to take her chit chat and small talk and shove it. You are not her buddy or confidante anymore. She tossed away that privilege. When you sit at your kids games, keep about five feet between you me that way you are together but not together.


----------



## LongWalk

Did she end it with POSOM?

In any event, her mind has been fried by whatever strange things she has been up to. She is not the same person anymore but a very damaged woman who probably perceives her folly. She has very little dignity left but now she is reaching out for your affirmation. If she has hope of reconciliation, it is delusional. She wakes up every morning divorced. You are not sitting at the breakfast table, so that reality is undeniable.

And yet you have children. They are a source of pride to her, even if she has failed them.

Your life has gone well after the shock of betrayal. Now, all there is left to your relationship is to forgive her and treat her as kindly as you can. That does not mean you look for opportunities to hang out. She probably wants to clutch your legs and beg forgiveness. You don't want to experience this, do you?

One technique to end the pain is to write her a letter asking her forgiveness. Her forgive you? WTF, you say? Some say that by writing such a letter, and it is not for everyone, you can put it behind you and move on.

The letter shouldn't talk about her her failings. Those are too well documented to mention. Instead just mention that you were not a perfect husband and you realize that you could have done (fill in blank) better and that you wish that you had done these things.

She will probably write you reams back or nothing, it doesn't matter. You have moved on. She is the mother of your children. You will see her from time to time. Treat her with the respect that she does not deserve and let your children see that you are patient and compassionate. She may react by acting more responsibly. Don't count on it.

If she keeps declining physically, you may have to go to her funeral.


----------



## Yeswecan

Being a friend with you...that ship sailed. As far as driving the check to your home....next time simply say mail it and close the door gently. XWW did not want to be part of the family, home and your relationship. Give her just that. Talk starts and stops with kids and their activities/life. The rest of it is just nosing in on what she has lost.


----------



## Graywolf2

I was going to post that everyone likes to think well of themselves. Some people have the ability to rewrite history in their own mind in order to achieve it. Your ex-wife is doing exactly that.

Then I read the following post. Damn, that’s outstanding. It should be a sticky. 



bandit.45 said:


> It's called friend-zoning. Women do it often, men occasionally.
> 
> See, if she can get you to be friends with her, after all the horrible things she has done, then in her mind you have forgiven her and all those transgressions magically disappear. She gets to live the illusion that all of those things never happened, that no one is angry at her anymore, and she is not a two-timing lying snake.
> 
> By putting on a show that you two are still chatty and friendly, she can then proudly tell all her friends and family that the two of you have broken the arrow, are good supportive friends, and that the marriage just never would have worked no matter how hard the two of you tried. You were good friends who should have just never gotten married...blah, blah....
> 
> She gets off Scott free without ever having to do anything to heal the wounds she has inflicted.
> 
> The friend zoning may also have a jealousy component. She sees you moving up and upgrading to this better woman and it doesn't sit well with her. She wants to think she still has some kind of emotional hold on you no matter how slight.


*If you rebuff her offers of friendship she will find a way to blame your fiancée for coming between you two. That way your fiancée will be the villain and not her. *


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## happyman64

Very happy for you Doc!

And

Very sad to hear about your exw's decline.

Amazing how far people fall from infidelity. 

I do think you need to enforce your boundaries with her. I'm sure your fiance would appreciate that as well as you would not be scratching your head wondering why she is behaving this way.

She does not deserve your friendship. Maybe just your pity.

One question for you Doc.

Has she ever apologized for the affair? For her hurtful behavior to you?

HM


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## flyfishdoc

no real apology ever. At one point right after Dday I told her I took responsibility for the failure of the marriage by not meeting her emotional needs. she muttered..."I do too" with the crocodile tears. after that it was game on with her venom and lies to folks about me-justifications for her "friendship"


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## LongWalk

She clearly knows that she had been replaced by a more attractive and socially competent woman. It hurts bad.

Pity is really what you can feel for her. There is not point in rubbing it in her face. She knows she fvcked her own life up.

You are not spending hours of your day thinking about her. She is full of regrets. She was the driver of the karma bus that ended her good and stable life.


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## happyman64

Just the fact that she lies to justify her OM tells me that she was unable to meet her own emotional needs Doc. She reinforces it by trying to be your friend again.

Sure we all have responsibilities to each other. That is covered by our vows.

But we also have to be strong with our own convictions, our own morals.

And some people just cannot make themselves happy. No matter how hard they try to "medicate" themselves.

Glad you are moving forward.

Let us know how your "Brady Bunch" works out.


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## workindad

OP I agree- ignore the noise from your bat sh!t crazy ex. Focus on yourself, your kids, and your fiance. Enjoy your new opportunity and leave the toxic ex in the past in every way you can. With the ex- stick to kid issues only.


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## just got it 55

flyfishdoc said:


> Time for an update...sorry I have been so busy with work and life!
> My gf and I are engaged . working on issues of blended families i.e. trying to get 4 teenage girls to get along (mine plus hers)! thats going better now.
> My WS truly looks like she has been on crack!! Folks tell me they don't recognize her....all her ribs are showing and her face looks sunken in and wrinkled.
> My dad died in July ( he was 93) and WS was suddenly calling me...wanting to "be there for me".....came to funeral home visitation for 2 whole hrs then my parents house after the funeral for 4 hrs...I ignored her. My fiance was steamed that WS showed up....
> only lingering emotional problem for me is that WS has been showing up to my kids HS football games complete with POSOM. My kids won't talk to him or interact with him at all. I resist the urge to punch him in the nose after all the pain he caused my kids-those 2 cheaters are beyond selfish....I understand it is a public venue but seriously ??
> After NC other than kid stuff WS suddenly asked me at the game last week (POSOM not there) to sit with her and our other kid which I did as it was the childs bday. Then she asked me to kid' sbday dinner afterward......talked my ear off as if nothing ever happened between us...made a big deal out of giving me a 192 dollar check toward older son's college tuition (LMAO). she even drove it to my house to put it in my hand even after I told her to just MAIL IT!
> I am like WTF...what do you want??
> Other than being a malignant narcissist looking for nacissistic supply I cannot figure her out.
> Any thoughts?


FFD.... I was cleaning out my garage last week and found a newspaper from 2001......

That's just what XW is to you

OLD NEWS

Have fun in your new life Now you know better

As for your Dad.....I'll sign up for 93 any day That's a great life time

Was he a WWII Vet if so where did he serve?

I am thankful for his contribution to my and my families freedom

Just honor his life with your memories of him.

55


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## flyfishdoc

yes Dad was in WW2 AAF Europe North Africa! Also Korea and Vietnam. They don't make em like that anymore!!


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

flyfishdoc said:


> yes Dad was in WW2 AAF Europe North Africa! Also Korea and Vietnam. They don't make em like that anymore!!


WOW!!!

Did he by any chance fly during WWII? If so, fighter, or bomber? If fighter, did he by chance fly a P40 Warhawk?

When I was a kid. I'm talkin' 8-12 years old. There were still a lot of WWII vets around. They'd be in their 50's-60's. So any accounts that I got to hear first hand, where told like it happened last week.

Any Vet's that I came across, I HOUNDED. I wanted to hear it all and right from the man that were there. I remember one time about 16 years ago - I was in a Burger King with my Daughter. I saw a ship silloutte on a mans WWII Vet hat that I could not figure out.

He told me the ship he served on was an "oiler". The gas stations for our battle ships. He was in the South Pacific. After a large Japanese air attack, he was sent to inspect the damage.

He was walking between the inner and outer hull. He founds hundreds of puntures where the light was comming through, made by enemy rounds and bomb fragments.

He said that's when it really hit him. Just because he wasn't on a gun ship, or a carrier, didn't mean he wasn't going to get blown to smithereens by an enemy attack.

An engineer told him a few rounds had actually made small holes in some of the fuel tanks. But he figured that the because the Japanese were real low on tracers, nothing ignighted. If it had been a phosphorus round, the outcome may have been way different...


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## flyfishdoc

He was aircrew on a B17. he told amazing stories. Had to bail out low a broke his back. Body cast followed then a disability rating....guess how many times he was hospitalized after that??-NONE until the week he passed away!!
We were planning on doing the Honor Flight to see the WW2 Memorial in DC this Fall.....I miss him so.....point is that if you wanna do something with your loved one JUST DO IT!! Life is short :0


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

flyfishdoc said:


> He was aircrew on a B17. he told amazing stories. Had to bail out low a broke his back. Body cast followed then a disability rating....guess how many times he was hospitalized after that??-NONE until the week he passed away!!
> We were planning on doing the Honor Flight to see the WW2 Memorial in DC this Fall.....I miss him so.....point is that if you wanna do something with your loved one JUST DO IT!! Life is short :0


I've read so many stories about B17's making it back to base, with the aircraft and the crew riddled with with bullet and AAA damage.

The ball-turret gunners had to be small in stature to fit through the opening, but 10 feet tall in bravery. Sometimes even after they survived a direct hit on that plexiglass bubble, the swivel mechanism was so damaged they couldn't retract the bubble back into the fuselage to get the gunner out.

Then, if do to other damage, the bomber couldn't lower the landing gear, that flight not only was his last - he got to ponder the here ever after all the way back to the runway...

They were part of the silent generation, but their deeds rang so loud while defending our freedom and battling the onslaught of tyranny - It's echos can still be heard to this day.

I salute them.


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## just got it 55

God bless the Armed Forces of the United States of America

End T/J

55


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## SamuraiJack

flyfishdoc said:


> no real apology ever. At one point right after Dday I told her I took responsibility for the failure of the marriage by not meeting her emotional needs. she muttered..."I do too" with the crocodile tears. after that it was game on with her venom and lies to folks about me-justifications for her "friendship"


Well Doc, I just read the whole thread. Well played, Sir, Well Played.

My ex re-wrote history too.
In the very beginning I explained my stance on abandonment and she chose to do it anyway.
She started hanging out at a similar site to this with the word fog in it.
Several months later she was sending me tick sheets on behavioral traits ( funny because I was a practicing psych...).
Then she ran around to all her friends telling them I was narcisistic (NPD).
Lucky for me they resoundedly told her "uhmmm...No..."

She still makes oblique references to it, but I just tell her if its not about the kids then it doesnt matter.

Yep. Nothing but the kids.

Enjoy your newfound life!


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## sokillme

@flyfishdoc

Just read your thread wonder how things are years later.


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## bankshot1993

yep, would love to get an update too. Just finished reading the thread and would love to know if XW and POSOM are still together. Alas though I doubt that we are going to ever find out, OP hasn't been on for a few years so it unlikely he will ever give an update.


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## MattMatt

bankshot1993 said:


> yep, would love to get an update too. Just finished reading the thread and would love to know if XW and POSOM are still together. Alas though I doubt that we are going to ever find out, OP hasn't been on for a few years so it unlikely he will ever give an update.


You could send him a PM?


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## sokillme

MattMatt said:


> You could send him a PM?


Will he see it more the this?


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## MattMatt

sokillme said:


> Will he see it more the this?


Yes, because he will get an email notification of the PM.


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## sokillme

MattMatt said:


> Yes, because he will get an email notification of the PM.


AHH right ... :scratchhead:

Done

Remember when we were each others nemesis? Then quality had to come along and spoiled it. 

Spiderman had doc ock, until green goblin killed Gwen Stacy..


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## bandit.45

bankshot1993 said:


> yep, would love to get an update too. Just finished reading the thread and would love to know if XW and POSOM are still together. Alas though I doubt that we are going to ever find out, OP hasn't been on for a few years so it unlikely he will ever give an update.


No need for an update. He handled the whole affair like a boss...the way it should be done. He came out on top, and she slinked off like the miserable rat she is. I hope wherever he is and whatever he is doing that he is happy with his new woman and getting laid like asphalt.


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## Taxman

It warms my heart to see a poster overcome the mounds of sh!t heaped upon them by an unrepentant cheating spouse. Judging by what is here, she threw it all away for nothing. What does she have, a cheating POS as a mate, no kids, and the lifestyle is now non-existent. She gets to watch her ex and his new GF/Wife HAVE IT ALL, while she gets NOTHING. Looks good on her.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Taxman said:


> It warms my heart to see a poster overcome the mounds of sh!t heaped upon them by an unrepentant cheating spouse. Judging by what is here, she threw it all away for nothing. What does she have, a cheating POS as a mate, no kids, and the lifestyle is now non-existent. She gets to watch her ex and his new GF/Wife HAVE IT ALL, while she gets NOTHING. Looks good on her.


I thought I was a bad ass. Fly fish Doc rules. Sun Tzu has nothing on him. Man his tactics were straight from " The Art of War".


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## Sparta

@sokillme I like the thread you started with all the great betrayed husbands that handled it like a champ. Great idea to keep the threads alive for the newly betrayed husbands so they can see and have an example on how to handle their WW‘s betrayal with strength... It really is sickening on how so many BH’s instantly revert to trying to the pick me dance and Mr. nice guy crap. Which doesn’t get them anywhere as a result of the poor choice on how they handle their WW’s betrayal causing the their wives to lose even more respect for them.! of course the rest is history. I just wanted to say good job buddy.


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## arbitrator

*The way I see it, those who don't pay attention to or refuse to review their past, are inherently subject to repeat it!*


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## Livvie

Yeah, but a zombie is still a zombie. This one's three years old.


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## MattMatt

Zombie kitten has determined that this thread must be closed.


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