# Newlywed & NO SEX



## New Bliss (Mar 2, 2021)

I just got married. Like 2 months ago. I am in love with this man... he is my best friend. Although we’ve known each other for a minute I feel it’s been a lifetime. We’re bothe in our late 20s. In the course of getting to know each other we spoke about our past partners and likes and dislikes in the bedroom. We both were very adamant that we had a healthy appetite and would need constant physical intimacy. However, We decided to wait til after we got married.
On the wedding day we were with family and weren’t able to consummate. We were with them for a week! I understood he was trying to be respectful, so I didn’t pressure him. I did make plans to go on a trip where it would be just the two of us. For a month we were together. Only us. Still nothing.
When it came time to be together he would get excited and the moment of penetration he would go limp. We tried so many times... everything time it didn’t happen.
He is able to keep erect and finish while getting oral, and he has stated multiple times he does not like to go down there. So far it’s just been oral for him and I’m just waiting for my turn. I’ve spoke to his previous partners (females) who have said they had a healthy sex life & how they were constantly active.
Is it something I did or is it health? He has told me he wants to be together... he’s constantly trying. And I’ve seen him get excited with me, but as soon as the moment comes... he disappears. We are both trying... we’ve changed our diets and started eating testosterone boosting meals, exercising, drinking water, stress releasing, massages (for him), and sleeping better. Still nothing.
Please if you have an idea.. I need your help!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm sorry to ask this, but are you sure he's not gay? I ask that because he can get an erection (so it's not a physical problem), doesn't want to have intercourse with you in any form but is fine with oral for him. Screams gay to me.


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## New Bliss (Mar 2, 2021)

I honestly thought that... however I have met his previous female partners and they had a healthy sex life 😪


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

This is his problem to fix. I get the feeling you believe the problem is you. I doubt anything could be further from the truth. To be blunt but honest: If he doesn’t appear to be very concerned about this you should dump him. In fact .....you should dump him anyways since he won’t give you oral sex. You are setting yourself up for sexual misery if you stay with him.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

New Bliss said:


> However, We decided to wait til after we got married.


Biggest red flag ever.

When I got married we were screwing like rabbits before and after.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Maybe he has anxiety about something. That’s the only answer I can think of. Never heard of being to ask past partners though. 
intresting.
Tried viagra?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

New Bliss said:


> I honestly thought that... however I have met his previous female partners and they had a healthy sex life 😪


Who told you that though, him or them?


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## New Bliss (Mar 2, 2021)

frusdil said:


> Who told you that though, him or them?


They’ve told me...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

New Bliss said:


> They’ve told me...


Hmmm, that's interesting then.

Could he be having an affair? (and don't ask him because he'll deny it, but is he away a lot or home with you all the time)


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

New Bliss said:


> They’ve told me...


And why would that be a topic of conversation?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

frusdil said:


> I'm sorry to ask this, but are you sure he's not gay? I ask that because he can get an erection (so it's not a physical problem), doesn't want to have intercourse with you in any form but is fine with oral for him. Screams gay to me.





New Bliss said:


> I honestly thought that... however I have met his previous female partners and they had a healthy sex life 😪





frusdil said:


> Who told you that though, him or them?





New Bliss said:


> They’ve told me...





Openminded said:


> And why would that be a topic of conversation?


Same question here; this seems inappropriate on so many levels. Why is he giving a list of prior partners to interview? Why would that level of detail be required? Why would the two of you have avoided sex prior to marriage yet he had a fair depth to his prior experiences? There would seem to at least be some boundary issues in play here.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Casual Observer said:


> Same question here; this seems inappropriate on so many levels. Why is he giving a list of prior partners to interview? Why would that level of detail be required? Why would the two of you have avoided sex prior to marriage yet he had a fair depth to his prior experiences? There would seem to at least be some boundary issues in play here.


Agreed. Its all very odd.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Maybe he is irrationally afraid of you getting pregnant? Whatever it is, it seems clear that the waiting before marriage thing was a ruse to take the pressure off him. Whatever the reason is which you may never know.

Having read a bunch of these stories I am sorry to say I think your husband is a fraud and you should get an annulment. Even if you try to get help this is always going to be a problem. Eventually you will want to get divorced anyway. You only get one life.


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## New Bliss (Mar 2, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> Same question here; this seems inappropriate on so many levels. Why is he giving a list of prior partners to interview? Why would that level of detail be required? Why would the two of you have avoided sex prior to marriage yet he had a fair depth to his prior experiences? There would seem to at least be some boundary issues in play here.


Before we got together we were close friends... I was friends with his now ex girlfriend and she would tell me these things as girlfriends do when you get together. I’m sure I’m not the only one :/
And we avoided sex before marriage because we had recently started attending bible studies and read 1 Corinthians 7 where it speaks about being married before engaging in intimate relations.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

New Bliss said:


> They’ve told me...


How many?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

When you say ‘we decided’ to wait til you were married, really think back... was it actually him deciding this? Even in a subtle way, did he plant the idea and it sort of became like a joint decision?

I also find it odd you’ve had these discussions with the exes. The contrast seems so extreme?? Healthy sex life and then married and nothing?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> Biggest red flag ever.
> 
> When I got married we were screwing like rabbits before and after.


Its not always a red flag, some couples do wait for marriage and have a healthy sex life after.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

New Bliss said:


> Before we got together we were close friends... I was friends with his now ex girlfriend and she would tell me these things as girlfriends do when you get together. I’m sure I’m not the only one :/
> And we avoided sex before marriage because we had recently started attending bible studies and read 1 Corinthians 7 where it speaks about being married before engaging in intimate relations.


Yes you are right that for Christians its right to wait for marriage. I have to wonder though if he knew about his aversion before you married? The fact that he says he doesn't like to go 'down there' is a clue and its hard to believe that has just started.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

The no oral for you would be a dealbreaker for me. Did he tell you beforehand that he didn't like that? Hm. It seems odd that previous girlfriends referred to an active sex life with him. If I ran into an old boyfriend with his new girlfriend, nothing would be further from my mind than talking to her about the sex I used to have with him - extremely inappropriate. But moving past that. Did they use similar words or language to refer to it? Did it seem rehearsed at all? It did make me wonder if he is setting you up somehow. 

Do you both work? Who earns more? Did he move in with you?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

New Bliss said:


> I just got married. Like 2 months ago.





New Bliss said:


> Although *we’ve known each other for a minute*





New Bliss said:


> Before we got together *we were close friends*


Get an annulment. You really don't know this guy and what you do know, you don't want. It's all downhill from here.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Sounds exactly like how my exH was when we first got together. He's gay. If your husband is gay it could be that everything worked well with his previous partners because he was younger and hadn't explored his homosexuality either with porn or men. My exH and I were able to have a normal sex life for years once he got over his initial hesitation. But over time, he explored that part of himself more and more and then he couldn't perform with me anymore. 

Don't ask him if he's gay, ask him if he's ever been with a man or if he has ever been attracted to a man. He will likely say he's not gay but will admit to being with a man as he will think that doesn't automatically mean gay.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Its not always a red flag, some couples do wait for marriage and have a healthy sex life after.


They both had sexual histories before this so it’s not like they were saving themselves. Have read too many stories where something odd or wrong was masked by “let’s wait”.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Chiming in with I think it's extremely odd you have had explicit sex talks with his ex sex partners. Help us understand how that's okay....


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Get an annulment. You really don't know this guy and what you do know, you don't want. It's all downhill from here.


I second this.

Even if he could get it up, he is a ridiculously selfish lover.

If you don't want to live out your years giving bj's to this guy while you take care of yourself, get thee hence!!!!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Chiming in with I think it's extremely odd you have had explicit sex talks with his ex sex partners. Help us understand how that's okay....


She's already explained that she was friends with his now-ex girlfriend before he and OP started dating. His now-ex-girlfriend, OP's friend, talked about her sex life with this guy.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

His problem is definitely psychological, not physical.

My guesses:

He does not lust for you.
His brain is hooked on porn.
His ex gf lied, this doesn't seem likely, but you never know.

The gay supposition, well, maybe, gays do love BJ's.

I would demand he take ED medications. 

Try Cialis first, Viagra gives most men a pounding headache, such a lousy trade-off. 

With younger men, the ED meds are more effective than with older guys.
Viagra works quicker than the others, the latency period varies.
Read the instructions on when to take them.

Once he gets over the hump, he may improve!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

notmyjamie said:


> Sounds exactly like how my exH was when we first got together. He's gay. If your husband is gay it could be that everything worked well with his previous partners because he was younger and hadn't explored his homosexuality either with porn or men. My exH and I were able to have a normal sex life for years once he got over his initial hesitation. But over time, he explored that part of himself more and more and then he couldn't perform with me anymore.
> 
> Don't ask him if he's gay, ask him if he's ever been with a man or if he has ever been attracted to a man. He will likely say he's not gay but will admit to being with a man as he will think that doesn't automatically mean gay.


Your unfortunate past makes you an awesome resource around this forum. Too bad that happened at your expense.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> Your unfortunate past makes you an awesome resource around this forum. Too bad that happened at your expense.


Thanks...I honestly feel like if I can help someone else it will have been worth something.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Get an annulment. You really don't know this guy and what you do know, you don't want. It's all downhill from here.


Exactly. Folks spend too much time trying to analyze and fix some problem in the other person, resulting in years being shaved off their own life what for improvement that never comes. (I'm assuming you're not abusing him when he climbs in the saddle for a ride.)


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

He may need to see a therapist, this could be a psychological problem. There are various reasons, maybe you put a lot of meaning or pressure into it (ie waiting until marriage may imply more meaning to sex). I also find it interesting you imply in your post you haven't been together very long, and you are good friends with his ex. Do they still have some kind of relationship?

My husband and I took a break a year after we started dating. He went out with other girls and I heard through the grapevine that he had this same issue and it was because he was thinking about me while engaging in the act and he couldn't complete. Wondering if there is still some connection between him and another woman (your friend?).


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Its not always a red flag, some couples do wait for marriage and have a healthy sex life after.


Some do - but most don’t.

9 times out of 10, one or the other is selling the idea of waiting to the other and that is usually as a means of dangling the carrot so they can secure the legal commitment before it becomes apparent that they don’t actually want to have a sex life with them at all.

People that are attracted to each other and want to have sex with each other....actually have sex.

Those that don’t want to have sex come up with excuses and endless postponements.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let’s not complicate this, it’s all very simple.

People do what they want to do and they find excuses and postponements for things they don’t want to do.

If he wanted to have sex with you, he would have had sex with you the first chance he could. 

If he was the one proposing waiting until marriage, it was because he didn’t want to and was putting it off.

This bull crap about having relatives around during your wedding is all BS. What guy has relatives around on his honeymoon (honeymoons were specifically designed to have alone time together) in the first place??

Answer= so he has an excuse to not have sex. 

If a dude wants to have sex and his (or your) nosey relative’s are around, he’ll tell them to F off and get lost.

This is dumb. There is something kind of shenanigans going on here whether he married you for money, is gay, just wants live-in maid and cook or whether he is getting it elsewhere every day.

At this point does it even matter what that reason is?? It will be quicker and easier and you’ll get back on the market quicker if you simply get annulled and walk away.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> If a dude wants to have sex and his (or your) nosey relative’s are around, he’ll tell them to F off and get lost.


This. I have been married for over 20 years and if someone or something family or not is interfering with my sexual activity it will be removed quickly.


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Let’s not complicate this, it’s all very simple.
> 
> People do what they want to do and they find excuses and postponements for things they don’t want to do.
> 
> ...


THIS IS THE ANSWER YOU SEEK RIGHT HERE! Your husband is either gay or has an agenda to get something from you, other than sex. Get out of this right away.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

New Bliss said:


> attending bible studies


Madonna complex

_In psychoanalytic literature, a Madonna–***** complex is the inability to maintain sexual arousal within a committed, loving relationship. _


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## EmE (Feb 24, 2021)

I had a boyfriend once that had been single for a while (maybe a year). He had a problem in the bedroom but only to the extent that he couldn't finish but did manage the rest. His problem was that whilst being single he watched so much porn and masturbated that only his hand done the 'end deed'. It didn't stop him from from trying and taking part in oral though.
Have you ever had a relaxed conversation about this and how you feel? If not then ask yourself why. IF you haven't then you need to ask yourself is it afraid of rejection or an answer even worse, or is it because you feel like you can't because there is not enough of a connection.
It doesn't sound like a normal healthy relationship for newly weds and if this was me I would hold back on satisfying him.
If all else fails, don't touch him and start playing with yourself whilst lying in bed together, even if you have to be a little dramatic if he doesn't want to 'hop on' then there may be some underlying issues.

Wishing you all the best.


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## Layla35 (Feb 14, 2021)

New Bliss said:


> I just got married. Like 2 months ago. I am in love with this man... he is my best friend. Although we’ve known each other for a minute I feel it’s been a lifetime. We’re bothe in our late 20s. In the course of getting to know each other we spoke about our past partners and likes and dislikes in the bedroom. We both were very adamant that we had a healthy appetite and would need constant physical intimacy. However, We decided to wait til after we got married.
> On the wedding day we were with family and weren’t able to consummate. We were with them for a week! I understood he was trying to be respectful, so I didn’t pressure him. I did make plans to go on a trip where it would be just the two of us. For a month we were together. Only us. Still nothing.
> When it came time to be together he would get excited and the moment of penetration he would go limp. We tried so many times... everything time it didn’t happen.
> He is able to keep erect and finish while getting oral, and he has stated multiple times he does not like to go down there. So far it’s just been oral for him and I’m just waiting for my turn. I’ve spoke to his previous partners (females) who have said they had a healthy sex life & how they were constantly active.
> ...


Hey I’m so sorry your experiencing this . However have you ever considered he may be gay ? Or he has just realized he is but don’t know how to tell you ? Maybe try to have that oral conversation again , also ask him to use a toy !


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

New Bliss said:


> On the wedding day we were with family and weren’t able to consummate. We were with them for a week! I understood he was trying to be respectful, so I didn’t pressure him.


That is actually the type of moment when family should have pressured him and given you some privacy! 

My wife comes from an extremely conservative culture, and the day after our wedding my mother-in-law blatantly asked how the consummation went while smiling and giggling at us.

My point being is that as awkward as this sounds, you can talk to your parents in law about this and put your husband in a situation where he needs to go to the doctor/therapy and address this or you can annul the marriage since it is not yet official. 

In my opinion, you should just end it. If you have problems now when everything should be great (honeymoon period), then the rest will just go downhill from here!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

let me see if i've got this right.
1) he HAS had sex with other women in the past, so at some point in time his penis DID work
2) he DOES get aroused when you play with him, but deflates when it is time to do the deed
3) you are both pretty young

i am wondering if it is a physical problem. Like he did something odd to his penis, or masturbated so much he has damaged it in the past?
Get him to a sex dysfunction urologist, and have them check things out. there could be a blood leakage, where the blood TRIES to engorge the penis, but backs right out what should have been a closed off vein. or some other defect.

they can do an ultrasound scan and see what is going on. If nothing serious is damaged, they can at least give him a viagra prescription.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> they can do an ultrasound scan and see what is going on. If nothing serious is damaged, they can at least give him a viagra prescription.


They sell a home ultrasound kit for men with erectile disfunction. Much cheaper than paying a radiologist. Just search online for "Hitachi wand." It is important NOT to tell your husband that the device is actually a vibrator, which is likely the exact same procedure they use at the doctor's office. It will be obvious in a matter of seconds if he has a physical or physiological issue. 

I'm just joking. And I am not a doctor. Do not take my advice and do not try it at home!


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## Big_Jim59 (Apr 14, 2019)

This is just one perspective from a past experience.

My mother-in-law was long divorced but met a man, that she just clicked with. He was kind and generous, loving and attentive but claimed to have sexual dysfunction. They had known each other for a very short time but he pressured her to get married quickly citing his church's rules. The man never went to church. They were married in a civil ceremony. He seems to be hiding something from her and some of the things he said just didn't add up. She even talked to his ex-wife who reported nothing unusual. (Until later.)

One day, when he was in the shower my mother-in-law looked in his wallet and found a long term rental hotel receipt. She was hurt and confused. She confronted him with it thinking that he was going to move out. He was shocked, made a big deal out of it, and said she was prying. He moved out. The truth came out. He had no intentions of moving out. The hotel was his play spot. He liked little boys and the marriage was a cover for his activity with a family from down the street. He was grooming that family by buying gifts for the parents and offering to baby sit. It turns out this guy had a criminal record for such activity. He was smart, controlling and very convincing. He also had no conscious and I believe was very dangerous.

This may not be the case at all but what you describe fits some of the events that befell my mother-in-law.


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## anythingbutordinary (Sep 30, 2020)

New Bliss said:


> I just got married. Like 2 months ago. I am in love with this man... he is my best friend. Although we’ve known each other for a minute I feel it’s been a lifetime. We’re bothe in our late 20s. In the course of getting to know each other we spoke about our past partners and likes and dislikes in the bedroom. We both were very adamant that we had a healthy appetite and would need constant physical intimacy. However, We decided to wait til after we got married.
> On the wedding day we were with family and weren’t able to consummate. We were with them for a week! I understood he was trying to be respectful, so I didn’t pressure him. I did make plans to go on a trip where it would be just the two of us. For a month we were together. Only us. Still nothing.
> When it came time to be together he would get excited and the moment of penetration he would go limp. We tried so many times... everything time it didn’t happen.
> He is able to keep erect and finish while getting oral, and he has stated multiple times he does not like to go down there. So far it’s just been oral for him and I’m just waiting for my turn. I’ve spoke to his previous partners (females) who have said they had a healthy sex life & how they were constantly active.
> ...


I'm in the same exact position as you.. Only 5ish years later. Wish I had answers, I hope you guys can figure it out.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

This would ring my alarm bells. As a guy, you should be all over your wife for the first year or two. In my case, it was the wife whose libido dried up. By the middle of year 2, I was basically celibate.


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