# Shes going to lake Tahoe to visit her mom, her ex boyfriend will be there



## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

How do I bring up my concerns, without making her feel like I am insecure, or not giving her freedom to visit her mom ? We had issues 5 or 6 years ago, I just hate to re visit all that again.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

What were those issues?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Did the "issues" years ago concern her and her XBF?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Her actions 5 years ago will always effect her, you, your future kids, and your marriage. At some point in the future it may well cause a tipping point where you will commit adultery. I would put the odds at 70 percent her and 30 percent you will commit adultery. I put her at 70 percent not on past behavior but how easy it is for women to get NSA sex due to a lot of broken guys.

I also get her need for you to trust her. Living under a cloud is no way to live. 

What mutually agreed boundaries have you agreed upon? Once set you need to live up to them. Failure to do so is on you not her
This is the cost of being married to her. 

So, more info on this, her trip and the ex.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I think that she has to live with the consequences of her past actions and if that means she can't make this trip, at least with out you being there, then so be it. I would like more information, like what do you mean the EX will be there? Can you explain further? 

One thing about asking her not to go is that you have to be prepared for the inevitable answer "I'm going anyway, get over it." Based on what I know about your story, you have the right to voice your concern and to do so firmly and confidently. The question is what do you do if she doesn't care about your concerns.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

And with a blind shot in the dark I would say her response may be "given my non stop efforts to prove myself to you, you need to learn to sone agree to trust again.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

For those of us who are unfamiliar with your story, can you give us a picture of your marriage? For example: your ages, length of your marriage, ages of your children, and what caused you to distrust your wife to take this trip to see her mother.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I have read his other threads.

Is the Ex BF who will be there the same person who she was in the car with and admitted to kissing from 5 years ago?

Or is it just an old Ex BF who happens to live in the same town as her Mom? If this is the case, you should not try to stop her from visiting her Mom. 

Just hope that she has learned her lesson about inappropriate behavior.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Either you have a cheater or you don't. If you do, you're better off unloading her onto someone else. This ex boyfriend might do you the biggest favor of your life. I'm pretty sure your wife already knows that you'd disapprove of her having an affair, so what's the point of mentioning it? If she's not faithful to you because she wants to be faithful to you, then what do you want with her? You can't watch her 24/7.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

robalocc said:


> How do I bring up my concerns, without making her feel like I am insecure, or not giving her freedom to visit her mom ? We had issues 5 or 6 years ago, I just hate to re visit all that again.


 The title of this thread is "Shes going to lake Tahoe to visit her mom, her ex boyfriend will be there". The answer to your question in the post depends on what you mean by "there". If by "there" you mean that he will be in the same general area as her, but she will not need to talk to him, that is one thing. If by "there" you mean that they will likely be talking, that is another thing. The answer also depends on if the ex boyfriend is he same guy that you had issues with 5 or 6 years ago.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

At some point it has to be you..

You have to trust her or don't.. 

You have to be happy or not..

You have to keep her or cut her loose.. 

Trust me I've been there SEVERAL TIMES... There were times I just had to shut the fvck up and deal with my issues personally for the sake of the relationship.. 

Mind you I eventually got divorced as she just continued to cheat.. It also made me a bit fvcked up and not trusting.. 

BUT.....

*I don't regret that I DID THE RIGHT THING FOR OUR MARRIAGE... *

I walked away knowing I didn't do anything bad here.. I could have cheated many of times myself and I never did.. I'm happy I never did.. 

If you want this.. Then keep telling yourself exactly that.. I am doing this because I want this.. I want this relationship.. Sometimes you do have to talk to yourself and rationalize stuff with yourself.. 

But after 5 or 6 years you cannot beat yourself or her up anymore about an incident.. You just can't..


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, can you provide some more information?

Will her exbf be at her mother's house also? Or does he just live in the same town.

Will she have a reason to see him while she is there?

What happened 5 years ago?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sounds like a lot of rug sweeping here.....now and 5-6 years ago!!!!

I''m going to take a guess here since OP posted here at CWI and that issue is ....his old lady phucked her exboyfriend.

If this is the case then bad behavior has consequences and going back to her home town is out of the question....her mom can come and see her instead or she can stay in her home town for good.

Or...your old lady waits until you both go visit mom.

Again bad behavior has consequences.

Set you boundaries.

Stop sharing your wife!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

How has the marriage been so far???? I read your previous threads.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

This is hard to comment on without particulars. 

Are you just jealous of the ex or is there a reason?

Did she cheat before? 

Did she cheat with the ex bf?

Surprisingly, the most jealous of any man my H was an ex bf that he had no reason to be jealous OF.

We dated for 3 months when my ex husband and I were on a 4 month break. (Before we got married). He was a "space filler", great guy, but no future. We always remained friendly, it was fun while it lasted and nothing more. He's now married to a GREAT woman and they are completely happy and I'm happy for them. If I see them out, I hug her and say hey to him. I never loved him or planned a future with him. Never understood why my H was jealous of him, other than the fact that he is a great looking guy. It took my H a while to understand that this guy was no threat whatsoever, but after a while he did and it was all good.

Is this a similar situation, or is there an actual reason?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hmm...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/13007-my-fiance-kissed-another-man.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/15074-i-cant-cope-fiances-kiss.html

Assuming that the fiancée mentioned in the threads linked above is now your wife, I'd say that you should probably be worried.

@robalocc, why is her ex-boyfriend going to be there?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/13007-my-fiance-kissed-another-man.html
> 
> ...


I read those threads and am still confused.

1. He never says that the car-kiss guy was/is an Ex BF.
2. The post where he says she showed him the text to the car-guy that says "whatever happened in the car can never happen again" makes no sense. Who writes like that? " There will be no kissing" or "no more sex" would make sense - but "whatever happened" makes it seem like she was not even there and is unsure of what did happen.

If the ExBF is just a guy who she used to date years ago who happens to still live in the same town as her mother. Hell my wife an I live in a town where many of her and my Exs still live. We can' avoid running into them on occasion. No big deal.

I think he never really got over the kiss and her explanations of what happened back then and is still unreasonably paranoid.

However, trust but verify is a good basic rule.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

TDSC60 said:


> I read those threads and am still confused.
> 
> 1. He never says that the car-kiss guy was/is an Ex BF.
> 2. The post where he says she showed him the text to the car-guy that says "whatever happened in the car can never happen again" makes no sense. Who writes like that? " There will be no kissing" or "no more sex" would make sense - but "whatever happened" makes it seem like she was not even there and is unsure of what did happen.
> ...


"Oh, I ran into so-and-so at the grocery store earlier today..." isn't quite the same as "Hey, I'm going out of town to visit my Mom for a few days. Oh, and my ex will be there...".


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> "Oh, I ran into so-and-so at the grocery store earlier today..." isn't quite the same as "Hey, I'm going out of town to visit my Mom for a few days. Oh, and my ex will be there...".


"and you won't"


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

R, lot's of good points, but I think hardtoHandle said it best.

The only thing I would change,,, I don't mind doing bad things.

I'll walk that mile with you, but just don't do to me what the scorpion did to the frog.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

LosingHim said:


> This is hard to comment on without particulars.
> 
> Are you just jealous of the ex or is there a reason?
> 
> ...



A 3 month relationship....... the question I have is, why is so important to keep a person whom you only knew for a couple of months in your life when it bothers your husband?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> A 3 month relationship....... the question I have is, why is so important to keep a person whom you only knew for a couple of months in your life when it bothers your husband?


Perhaps because it DOES bother her husband?

"See, husband? I DO have options! I could snap my fingers and my ex would come running and dump his stupid wife in an instant!"

And for this to be so, the wife doesn't even have to be concious that she is thinking in that way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> A 3 month relationship....... the question I have is, why is so important to keep a person whom you only knew for a couple of months in your life when it bothers your husband?


So important? And keep him in my life? 

I never said this guy was important to me. And I never said I kept him in my life. At this time, this guy and I were myspace friends and had been since before I even met my husband. My husband never even brought him up until about a year into our relationship and even then it was completely random and out of the blue. Id seen this guy maybe 3 times in the first year my h and I were together, and it was literally running into each other out and about. We do live in the same very small town. 

I've known this guy since high school, so right now, around 22 years. I now see him maybe once a year when I run into him and his wife at Home Depot. 

I only finally figured out that my h was jealous of him when he came and sat at a bar with us about a year into my h and Is dating. We were with a group of friends, this guy also knew a lot of them, came over and sat with us. He was polite to my h, my h was polite to him. Then my h later started saying stuff about him to me. I don't remember what all was said but it was obvious jealousy and insecurity. I assured my husband this guy had never meant anything to me, that what he and I had was no more than a fling when I was single and 22. I never hung out with this guy or talked to him or gave my h any reason to not trust me. Ran into the same guy maybe another year later and my h was totally cool with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> "Oh, I ran into so-and-so at the grocery store earlier today..." isn't quite the same as "Hey, I'm going out of town to visit my Mom for a few days. Oh, and my ex will be there...".


Absolutely not the same - but I still have lots of questions that have been ignored.

Did the wife tell him that the Ex BF would be visiting her Mom or that she had intentions of reconnecting with him? Have plans been made for them to see each other while she is visiting her Mom? Or is OP just paranoid because he knows that an Ex BF lives in the same town and it is possible that they could run into each other?

And the biggie in my mind - Is car-kiss guy the Ex BF the same person? From what he writes, I don't think they are and she was not his wife when this happened.

How has his wife acted during the marriage? Any evidence of inappropriate behavior on her part?

I am not against telling him the statistics or that "this or that behavior" is standard cheater script.

In this situation I don't feel we have enough background info to make a determination one way or the other. He has been very guarded and vague with his posts.

I'm out. Good luck OP.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Its kinda like that car insurance commercial. If you've got to worry about your spouse taking the first opportunity to do someone else when you're out of shouting distance, a better question is why are you with that spouse.


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