# Hate my Hubbys job, coworkers and attitude



## Wifey814 (Sep 29, 2014)

So my post is out of frustration. Not sure what resolutions it will bring- but need to vent. I'm really irritated with my husband's loyalty to his job and coworkers over family. Even though it's not as extreme as some situations I've read, I still feel hurt and unresolved. Part of his job is working out of town. Since having children, my husband works less out of town but still has to go a few times a year for 7-10 days. They work motorcycle ralleys, which is typically an atmosphere of partying, drinking, trashy customers, nights in bars/casinos, etc. He used to call me every night when he was out of town. Now he goes for 7 days, and calls maybe 3 of those 7. I will text daily updates on kids, and get not a single text response. He sayes it's bc he's so tired, but it's kinda strange how this change came when they started taking female employees on these trips.

Previously his boss had strict rules about no women workers on the road- only males. At some point he ran short on employees and females had to go. They've been going ever since. They were actually sharing hotel rooms with these women for 7 days-2 weeks at a time (supposedly bc his boss is cheap) I pitched a fit about this for like a YEAR. The entire time his answer was- that's just my job. Finally he agreed it may not be appropriate and he told his boss he couldn't stay in the same room with females. 

My husband is flirtatious by nature- he even admitted to me on a drunk night that flirting with female employees makes them better and more loyal workers. It kinda crushed me. I've been holding that in my heart ever since. He always has at least 3 or 4 young female employees (if not more) and for some reason, at least 1 always seems to be crushing on him- kinda behaves like the other woman when I'm around, weird to me, smiley giggly at him, etc. His last trip- his current protege' (as I call them) was on the trip- He sent her pic text of him and another manager at the bar taking a shot and she responds that they better not have gone without her. She also had another wife mad at her on the trip prev (last month) for posting selfies of her cheek to cheek with her husband on fb. When they come home from being out of town, she's wearing a cut muscle tank that shows the entire side of her boob (bra). She always acts standoffish around me. On top of this when he's in town, he works at least 6 days a week. He works 12+ hour days by choice. He's never there for our kids sports functions, he works most holidays except christmas. He missed all but one of our kid's birthdays this year. I don't know if there even is a resolution or if I'm just a nagging jealous wife. Every single other higher up employee has been thru huge ugly divorces with their wives for the same treatment and circumstance. None of them have an answer- it's deal with it/get over it. I told him- I can't do 10+ years like this, I don't know how long I can "stick it out" being lonely- waiting on him to come around. I didn't sign up for being a single mom 80% of the time. I feel lonely, cast aside, disrespected/disregarded and to an extent emotionally cheated. My feelings don't seem to matter..


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Being that my husband is in a large motorcycle club and having gone to tons of motorcycle events over the last decade or so, I guess I'm one of those trashy customers your husband sees.

Well, I can promise you this: the problem more than likely isn't the trashy customers - it's your trashy husband. 

Was this his job when you got married or is this something new. I can fully appreciate your situation as my husband was a professional pilot for ten years and I was home while he was always on some island in the Caribbean. The biggest issue with me wasn't trust. It was day to day mundane things that he wasn't around for. I trusted him implicitly. It sounds like you don't trust your husband.

If it's a toxic job then you have a choice to stay or go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Regret214 said:


> It sounds like you don't trust your husband.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds more like a H getting away with much followed up with ego stroking by young female coworkers. The guy is married and a father. I find his behavior deplorable at best. 

Wifey814, from your description I do not see you as a wife. I see you as a single parent with the oldest child being you H. 

Job goes or H goes.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

That's a difficult situation wifey. It's hard enough to have a spouse who's out of town on business often, but when you add the elements you described it's probably more than most wives would accept for long. How long you're willing to accept it, is up to you.

Question. Does he communicate with these females when he's at home? Have you checked his cell records, his e-mail? Spyware on his phone, key logger on his computer - those are options. Does he drive his car to these trips? If so put a VAR and/or GPS in it. Since it's difficult to monitor him on the road, I'd start there. 

The only thing I might think about otherwise is putting a PI on his tail when he's on the road. Especially if you can help the PI out based on something you found out monitoring him.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> Sounds more like a H getting away with much followed up with ego stroking by young female coworkers. The guy is married and a father. I find his behavior deplorable at best.
> 
> Wifey814, from your description I do not see you as a wife. I see you as a single parent with the oldest child being you H.
> 
> Job goes or H goes.


Which is why I said that it's not the trashy customers to worry about but her trashy husband. Hence...she doesn't trust him due to said trashy-ness.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Regret214 said:


> Which is why I said that it's not the trashy customers to worry about but her trashy husband. Hence...she doesn't trust him due to said trashy-ness.


:thumbup:


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

The difference between OP and me is simply that her husband GIVES her reason to mistrust him. Dig was and always has been faithful. Even when I knew he was in Nice, France with all of the nude beaches, I knew that there was nothing for me to worry about. Dig's integrity is just too much in that regard. Whether 30, 300 or 3000 miles separated us, I never had a doubt in my mind.

OP - what kinds of things do you talk about to him when you discuss his job? I mean, you HAVE to express yourself and your feelings to him.

Edit to add: and when I say express your feelings, I'm not talking about "pitching a fit".


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Huh?

Flirting makes better employees?

Shared hotel rooms with Opposite Sex?

Huh?


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## Wifey814 (Sep 29, 2014)

I told him Im absolutely not comfortable with him sharing hotel rooms w females innocent or not. It took about a year of me saying that before he finally told his boss he wouldnt anymore. I've told him I'm not comfortable with flirting with co-workers- period. I feel its directly disrespectful to me. I've told him everything I've said on here. I dont know that I think he's had a physical relationship w these girls although I've never dug deep enough to see. Its more that I've felt disrespected as his wife. And that I feel alone a lot. Exactly like a single mom.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

He needs to look for other work, or change jobs at biz.

It's disrespectful, demeaning and embarrassing. He needs to understand this. Family comes first. Always.


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## Relationship (Sep 29, 2014)

The truth is either you trust your husband or you don't. 
Only you know in your heart if he is cheating. You did make a couple of points in his favor. You stated before his family he would travel more, so as a good family man he cut down his travels. He did that for you. That girls throw themselves at your husband is not his fault, flirting with them is, you need to decide if that is an issue.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is he being "faithful" to you? Probably, yes.
Is he being a good husband to you? Probably not.

He has to grow up. Quickly.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Q tip said:


> Huh?
> 
> Flirting makes better employees?
> 
> ...


:scratchhead::scratchhead:Good it's not just me.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Relationship said:


> The truth is either you trust your husband or you don't.
> Only you know in your heart if he is cheating. You did make a couple of points in his favor. You stated before his family he would travel more, so as a good family man he cut down his travels. He did that for you. That girls throw themselves at your husband is not his fault, flirting with them is, you need to decide if that is an issue.


He traded traveling for 6 twelve hour days a week at home, his choice. Not too many brownie points there


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Wifey814, I guess you're only venting because you would rather put up with him than to lose him. So I hope venting helps for now. Eventually I think you'll have to come to terms with the reality of your relationship and either make concessions or take a stand. I'm sure you deserve to be treated better.


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## Wifey814 (Sep 29, 2014)

@ Thundaar- you are right. Im venting- I hate divorce and I actually really do love him. This issue gets put to the back burner for the most part. Every 5-6 months I'll get really hurt and blow up at him and bring it all up. He gets defensive and makes excuses for everything and we solve nothing. When there was coed hotel rooms itd typically be 4-5 people in a room and using cots, etc. Which is a lil better- but still too close quarters for me- esp bc the after work routine is beer, bar or casino. The flirting thing- yep so dumb. He told me that on a drunk night and has been denying he said it ever since- even though at the store- all the guys flirt with all the girls. Not just my husband. But he's also the only one that hasnt gone thru a brutal divorce (of the guys). I guess I just dont know if Im being crazy- if it can be resolved- or if someday I'll blow my top like the rest of the ex wives up there. He plans to build his career on this. Set to take over in 3 years so I dunno..


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## Wifey814 (Sep 29, 2014)

Im thinking about getting counseling for myself. Maybe that would help me work out the issue better or decide how I feel about the whole thing. I cant quite make up my mind on a solution- or even decide if Im being unreasonable. I guess thats part of why its never been resolved. Anyone else been thru similar and resolved really well? Or left? Or what?


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

My husband gave up an extremely lucrative flying career to be home with us. Financially, we lost everything. Family wise we're more wealthy than ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wifey814 said:


> Previously his boss had strict rules about no women workers on the road- only males.* At some point he ran short on employees and females had to go. *They've been going ever since. They were actually sharing hotel rooms with these women for 7 days-2 weeks at a time (supposedly bc his boss is cheap) I pitched a fit about this for like a YEAR. The entire time his answer was- that's just my job. Finally he agreed it may not be appropriate and he told his boss he couldn't stay in the same room with females.


Ran short of employees.. and you believe that? :rofl:

Are you aware that there is still a problem with huge unemployment in this country? If the boss runs short of employees they just hire more.

The reason that women are now traveling with the men is because young, sexy women make money for them. They are part of the attraction. Guys some to see the bikes and the young sexy women.

If you want to find out what your husband is up to put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his vehicle. Secure it to a hidden surface (like under the driver's seat) with adhesive backed Velcro. Leave it there for a few days. Do when the next time he takes a trip if he drives.

With the way you describe what is going on, you have very good reason to be very concerned.

Have you ever talked to the wives of all those guys who are now divorced? It might just be that those women know more about what's really going on at this work place.

You are not doing yourself any favor letting months go by where you just bury this. Then blow up. Then rebury it.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Wifey814 said:


> So my post is out of frustration. Not sure what resolutions it will bring- but need to vent. I'm really irritated with my husband's loyalty to his job and coworkers over family. Even though it's not as extreme as some situations I've read, I still feel hurt and unresolved. Part of his job is working out of town. Since having children, my husband works less out of town but still has to go a few times a year for 7-10 days. They work motorcycle ralleys, which is typically an atmosphere of partying, drinking, trashy customers, nights in bars/casinos, etc. He used to call me every night when he was out of town. Now he goes for 7 days, and calls maybe 3 of those 7. I will text daily updates on kids, and get not a single text response. He sayes it's bc he's so tired, but it's kinda strange how this change came when they started taking female employees on these trips.
> 
> Previously his boss had strict rules about no women workers on the road- only males. At some point he ran short on employees and females had to go. They've been going ever since. They were actually sharing hotel rooms with these women for 7 days-2 weeks at a time (supposedly bc his boss is cheap) I pitched a fit about this for like a YEAR.
> 
> ...


*You are being disrespected/disregarded and cheated on, doesn't seem like just emotionally. You say you hate divorce, how's this any better? *


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## Wifey814 (Sep 29, 2014)

One of the ex's moved out of state- the boss's wife- after she took a fat lp sum check, half the biz, one of the homes (sold it) and a huge alimony. The other had an affair on him, and bc him n my husband are so close- Im not really allowed to talk to her- plus her sister said she started doing hard drugs- so cant really hang in that arena. But- you stated it so perfectly- I cant believe I didnt see it- abt the girls/sales thing. I never put that together (hand slaps forehead.) Their sales have increased steadily since then and when I mention the old rule he brings up how they need them to run registers, etc. 

He doesnt take his car to shows- they have company trucks. Im not sure legality there- And listening to 7 days of recordings sounds like a LOT and maybe a lil too dis-trusting? I dunno ? I know I sound like excuses galore. You make a ton of sense though. Some good points I hadnt even realized.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Talk to bosses xwife. She may shed some light on boss and perhaps the (selectively?) packed hotel rooms 

Still think he needs a new job & place.

Sure, sex sells. Part of that market. Integrity sells too. It can very well be he's decent, but slippery slopes start ever so slightly. Not even perceptibly. 

Boundaries matter. Boundaries keep evil out of your relationship. The stronger the better. Sharing hotel rooms is an avoidable toxin as all poisons are. He should grab his own hotel room even if he pays. Boss should help a bit though. 

You have a right to protect your marriage. Just what is he protecting? Don't confuse secrecy and privacy. Privacy is closing the bathroom door. There is no secrecy in marriage. All accounts, passwords, phones should be readily accessible to either partner for any reason. 

Who the heck invented the fiction of secrecy in marriage anyway. No such thing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wifey814 said:


> The other had an affair on him, and bc him n my husband are so close- Im not really allowed to talk to her- plus her sister said she started doing hard drugs- so cant really hang in that arena.


There might be another reason why you are not allowed to talk to the ex… she might spill the beans to you about what’s really going on. There is a good chance, with the environment you describe, that her husband had an affair too. More than half of those who are cheated on end up having an affair of their own. There is a reason besides your husband being this guy’s friends that you are not allowed to talk to the ex. Does your husband actually tell you that you are not allowed to talk to her? It does not matter if she is doing drugs. Her drug use will not rub off on you. All you need to do is to talk to her. You don’t have to “hang in that arena” to have a talk with her.



Wifey814 said:


> But- you stated it so perfectly- I cant believe I didnt see it- abt the girls/sales thing. I never put that together (hand slaps forehead.) Their sales have increased steadily since then and when I mention the old rule he brings up how they need them to run registers, etc.


First rule of marketing… “Sex Sells”. And yep, every guy who buys something gets to talk to one of the hot chicks while at the register. See how that works?



Wifey814 said:


> He doesnt take his car to shows- they have company trucks. Im not sure legality there- And listening to 7 days of recordings sounds like a LOT and maybe a lil too dis-trusting? I dunno ? I know I sound like excuses galore. You make a ton of sense though. Some good points I hadnt even realized.


So then put a VAR in the car he drives when he’s in town. Most people who cheat use their car as a private, secure phone booth. That’s where they talk with their affair partners. That’s where guys talk to their buddies about what went on at the rally. So put the darn thing in his car when he’s in town.

You are right. You are looking for every excuse in the book to not really find out what’s going on. Have you considered getting into counseling? I think you need some help to get out of the self-protection bubble your are in and for you to look at the reality of your situation.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Why wouldn't the ladies share a room and guys share another...?

Talk to the other wives/xwives/GF

Why wouldn't the girls or guys demand this...!!!?? Or maybe a few did and a few didn't. 

VAR is a great idea. Keep the antennas up for a while.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

My wife's ex husband is very much into the biking scene, and among other things, it is very much a hookup culture. He frequently went to rallys and ride ins, and always made sure she couldn't go because having the wife around would interfere with the drinking and screwing.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Wifey814 said:


> He doesnt take his car to shows- they have company trucks. Im not sure legality there- And listening to 7 days of recordings sounds like a LOT and maybe a lil too dis-trusting? I dunno ? I know I sound like excuses galore. You make a ton of sense though. Some good points I hadnt even realized.


Putting a VAR in a company truck is a different story. I'd probably draw the line there. But if he's having an ongoing affair with any of these women, there's a large probability that he continues to communicate with them, in some way, when he's at home. That's what I would focus on in terms of monitoring. His computer and cell phone/records; and also looking for a burner phone he may have stashed.

In regards to your feeling of disrespect. I used to feel that way myself toward my WW - before I finally caught her. That's when I realized that the disrespect was fueled by her A. She wasn't willing to stop pissing me off just because I told her she was disrespecting me - with her constant GNO's and coming home late. Her cheating had to be discovered first.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So then put a VAR in the car he drives when he’s in town. Most people who cheat use their car as a private, secure phone booth. That’s where they talk with their affair partners. That’s where guys talk to their buddies about what went on at the rally. So put the darn thing in his car when he’s in town.


Good point.


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## stunned (May 6, 2013)

There is not a company anywhere on earth that would dictate that males and females share a hotel room for a single night, let alone 7+ nights. The only reason your husband would share a room with another woman is because he wanted to and he invited her. 
Have you looked at his cell phone text and call logs? Do you have access to his Facebook to look at messages? Get that VAR in his car ASAP, as this will probably be your best tool to get the information you need. You just need to make sure you are prepared for the very real possibility that you will not like what you find.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

OP

It could be that he is going along to get along. He should be telling you everything too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

stunned said:


> There is not a company anywhere on earth that would dictate that males and females share a hotel room for a single night, let alone 7+ nights. The only reason your husband would share a room with another woman is because he wanted to and he invited her.
> Have you looked at his cell phone text and call logs? Do you have access to his Facebook to look at messages? Get that VAR in his car ASAP, as this will probably be your best tool to get the information you need. *You just need to make sure you are prepared for the very real possibility that you will not like what you find*.


This is a very real issue.

If you have someone who you trust, you could ask them to listen to the recordings and for that person to give you a rundown on what they hear. Then you can let that soak in. At some later time you might want to listen to the recordings if you wish.

If you do this, also have a plan of what you will do if you find out the worst. Do not confront him right away. You need to make copies of the recording and store them someplace safe.. like www.dropbox.com. Then you need to think about your plan forward. Take a day or so. You can post here for help on formulating a path forward.

Some people get 2 VARs. One to have the car and one to switch out so that there is one in the car while they listen to the other.


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## Wifey814 (Sep 29, 2014)

Thank you for everyones advice. I did check call logs- theres only 2-3 that seem really odd to me. Specifically to the girl in question. Called her at 6:30 a.m. while we were on fam vacay. Not sure why but I know he intentionally got up, got dressed and left hotel room to call her while me n kids were asleep. His fb is completely bare. He barely uses it. His texts to this girl have completely ceased since I jumped his butt around time of intial post- but I suspect at least a few have been deleted. My phone company does not provide any text records at all. Not numbers texted, nothing. Email has no activity. My next step- I believe is a cell phone key logger and VAR. Im ready to know the truth and either put all this in my past or fig put how much Im being disrespected. It seems I've overlooked it way too long.


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## stunned (May 6, 2013)

Don't underestimate the possibility that he has a burner phone. Since you've already confronted him about this, he may have just taken it deeper underground. This is a common tactic amongst cheaters. Ask me how I know...
Get that VAR immediately. It will tell you everything you need to know, including if he has a burner phone.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Wifey814 said:


> My phone company does not provide any text records at all.


?!

what company is this? (pay as you go type?)


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Have you had a chance to contact other wives/XW?


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Pardon my french, but that female co worker sounds like a HO. He is acting like a ****. You are NOT being a nagging wife. Trust your gut and go do some research


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Send a PM to weightlifter here. He can help you get the right equipment to snoop.


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