# My Wife



## fernandezduk (Aug 1, 2011)

Hi all,

Thanks in advance.

I have been married for what 12 years, been with her for 16 years all together.
The only thing I cannot do for my wife when things get crap is look after her, when we have had a bust up. I just cannot switch off my emotions and take care of her when she is upset. I back off wich makes things 100000000% times worse.
Any way.

Me and my wife had a bust up a few weeks ago and we are still en route to mending things. We have always done everything together, more because she wanted it like that. lately, she is more happy to see me go and have some time alone with our daughter. I donno, things just do not feel right.

I wanted to go scuba diving some thing I have never done before and she said ok I do this and that..

Now, my wife does not work goes to the gym 5 times a week and spends a lot of time. She has met a lot of people in that time.
She came 1 week ago and said, that there was this Chap that was having issues with the English speaking part of his exams and that they started chatting and she agreed to help him out a little. sha said it may never happen as our daughter is the biggest priority. Never mentioned me! she did not stop me from going to these meetings. BUT hey ho I am working, so how can I.

The whole thing stinks for me and makes me feel like CRAP. She has not met this chap to help him, what ever his name is, which my wife does not even know. She says she knows the chaop for years in the gym, but never really spoke to him. I do not know how to feel about it. Things just do not add up in my mind and are driving me crazy. My wife comes from a background where these things are all set in stone, Women do not mix with Males period. So this comes as a surprise.

I confrinted her with my feelings saying this made me unconfortable and if she wanted to help him, I could also be there and we could help him together. After a little while, I said I did not like the idea and that I thought it inapropriate. She said that she now feels very different to how she was many years ago and she may start to do things differently. things she would never do now she might do. I do not know weather to trust her to be honest. Emotions can change and then bang afair and divorce. Thats what bothers me the most, she will change emotionally, and fall in love with another guy. Not to say she will do it. But, I am soo confused. LAck of sleep does not help either, I cannot sleep which makes my mood 100% worse.
I do not like change and the Male friend does not work for me. I certainly have NO female friends at all. Confronting her... she states she can look after her self not needing me there.
She is still very annoyed at me from the fight last week so, I guess this is come back to me. Thats why i mentioned it at the beginning. I am loving, 1000% miore than her but insecure. she is totally secure in her Skin. 
My wife likes the Idea of having a coffee out after the gym but, I am never there, I work.... to pay the bills. I do not know if this is being done just for fun or for the coffee!!!!

I do not know if this makes sense, hope it does. it is driving me crazy. BTW I confronted her last night so this is hot off the press. She says I need to trust her. BUT she has never ever ever needed a male friend and would have felt totally unconfortable with it in the past, without me there, thats what worries me.

any comments are very very welcome.


----------



## fernandezduk (Aug 1, 2011)

Just read my post.
She actually has not met this guy yet. she is just saying that she would like to help him 30 mins at a time, english speaking only. the Chap said he would help her with spanish another 30 mins and she said no thanks it was ok.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

If you are not comfortable with her meeting another man for coffee, tell her so.

I would work on why you can't be there for her. If you are always unemotional when she's upset, this will drive a wedge in your marriage. You have to work on things.


----------



## fernandezduk (Aug 1, 2011)

Thanks.

when I confonted her about it, she said she did not need me around to protect her, she could do that her self. I trust her, BUT thats why there are boundaries, you cross them and it does not matter how much u trust a person. They can change. shame to see all the plans we have go to the bin. She is not currently very happy with me due to the fighting. I only want to be ok with her and go back to normal.. Talking to her makes no difference..
I am a man I know every man has a plan. Regardless of who he is, MEN think with there pants, getting some female to help you with English will always bring up sex in his mind. Thats what we do. Thats why friendships cannot work PERIOD. We all have a plan and want to see what we can get away with. Takes an exceptional man to not think this way. So thats why I am confused. She may get her feelings confused and BANG.. bye bye..


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

fernandezduk said:


> Thanks.
> 
> when I confonted her about it, she said she did not need me around to protect her, she could do that her self. I trust her, BUT thats why there are boundaries, you cross them and it does not matter how much u trust a person. They can change. shame to see all the plans we have go to the bin. She is not currently very happy with me due to the fighting. I only want to be ok with her and go back to normal.. Talking to her makes no difference..
> I am a man I know every man has a plan. Regardless of who he is, MEN think with there pants, getting some female to help you with English will always bring up sex in his mind. Thats what we do. Thats why friendships cannot work PERIOD. We all have a plan and want to see what we can get away with. Takes an exceptional man to not think this way. So thats why I am confused. She may get her feelings confused and BANG.. bye bye..


You ave your answer. She is going to do things she has not before and it involves other men. There is not reason for her to meet this other guy beyiond her contrieving. She has already admitted she does not even know him. She wants to get to know him in a personal way without you. She wants her space with him, without you so they can get closer and more intimate.

Instigation, Isolation, Escalation. Ths instigation has already occurred. We do not know what it it was. But she wanting to move to isolation with this guy alone is about isolating you from them. During the isolation they get to work on escalating the relationship further. Again she knows better but is bored and now seeks other males while you are working.

This type of thing escalates quickly. She does not want you around to c0ckbl0ck. In fact it may have already with him or some other guys. You said she has met many friends already. Friends are great. Any male friends she has met at the GYM or anywhere else while you are working for your family will be a potential problem as you are seeing that she wants less and less to do with you and more and more to do with them.

You either intervene now tellingher this is unacceptable to you or be prepared to have your heart and family ripped from you if they have not already been. She must have a lot of free time on her hands.

Five days a week in the gym? If she is a SAHM she is bored and looking for male attention. She will find all she wants as there are lotsa guys out there looking to game / bed this type of woman.

Trust has little to do with this. You do not trust another man with your wife. It is the males job to prevent his wife from being poached. She cannot do it alone. If you man-up and face this she will call you controlling. This is another code word for, I am having or want to have an affair with other men. Another man given time with your willing wife will make ground on her quickly. You need to be able to trust her to not put herself into this position. So her wanting to do this has already broken the trust. She is most certainly moving into being unfaithful. If you go on a diving trip that leaves her alone she will have even more opportunity to start cake eating.

No doubt you have things to work on with your marriage but is your spouse is seeking out other men you cannot work on your marriage until this stops.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

From her words and actions she either maybe trying to get you jealous and worried, or she may already have had some contact with this guy and she's telling you the story to keep you from being suspicious that they are already meeting up.

Either way, your marriage is very close to moving to a divorce if things do not change soon.


----------



## fernandezduk (Aug 1, 2011)

I never knew all of this.

Thank you very much. I will monitor the situation and see how it goes. To be honest I cannot beleve she is doing this.
It is unbelevable, she is amazingly a 1 man woman and would never ever consider it.

Well seems I may be wrong. We shall see. As I said this happenned yesterday, so I will see what she says.

I think she will state "when she calms down" that she is not going to have coffee without me. That would be appropriate..
But we shall see.

Thank you all. I will keep you all posted.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

fernandezduk said:


> I never knew all of this.
> 
> Thank you very much. I will monitor the situation and see how it goes. To be honest I cannot beleve she is doing this.
> It is unbelevable, she is amazingly a 1 man woman and would never ever consider it.
> ...


Hope you are able to communicate with her and find out what the root cause is for what is going on. 

I was caught up in an EA myself. It was innocent enough to start. My wife caught it in time. My point being that your wife may not even realize she is doing something inappropriate. She is crossing boundaries that she has not before however. But the thing is the folks who slide into the EAs often need help. It is not so much about trust. It is chemical. It feels ok to proceed with "friends" and then it is easy to get in over your head. Happens all the time. She had a boundary of no male friends and now she is changing that boundary. My feeling is that boundaries have to be agreed to by both spouses to work. I cannot be unilateral. This is a His Needs Her Needs thing. If you have not looked into that you probably should to work out boundaries and of course needs.

I hope she is not doing this willfully. She may or may not be.


----------



## fernandezduk (Aug 1, 2011)

I am so upset over this.

I cannot beleve she said those things to me.
Things have been so stable all our relationship in this arena that it does not matter why. She burst the bubble.
Trust is one thing, the other is loyalty.

Both where at 100% with my wife. Now Loyalty is 10% and trust, I do not even know.

I have changed and are more confortable doing other things differently. So, she chooses to go one on one with a chap from the gym. to help him out in English.

What!

I am in a terrible mess at the moment. Does not matter that she has not even seen this guy yet and or helped him either. The fact she said those things, means I cannot trust her like I used too any more.

All the plans for the future which where definates are now "we shall see". I cannot eat and or sleep, or work.

I will talk to her aboput it tonight and try to see why.

We recently had a fight so she may have said some of these things in anger. But it does not excuse what she said. 

There is no defence for what she said. She will say I used to go out with work people and some where females. My boss is a female and whats the difference? she said that to me.

Well, I kinda do not get a choice on who's my boss. And if she wants to have a meeting which only ever happenned once then what can I say. 

Meeting some one at the gym... is not the same.... 

Here's me thinking that we get over issues, this one will take years. I shall never trust her like I used too again. Ever.

I am so, tired. help me. How can I present it to her.

When she is annoyed she has an argument for everything. I never have won a fight with her period. What a wimp.


----------



## BleepingFamily (Jul 30, 2011)

Hey,
I think more than upset you are jealous.
Why would your wife tell you about MAYBE helping a guy, MAYBE going for coffee with him if she knows you are a jealous kind of guy? Plus she does this after you had a fight.
Either way she is looking for an excuse to leave, o she wants to make you jealous because she doesn't feel appreciated by you.

Do what most guys will do. Drop the whole Jealousy thing, let her do what she wants, and start buying flowers! And dinners. And jewelry! lol

Good Luck.

Mike


----------



## fernandezduk (Aug 1, 2011)

HI,

I am hurt not jelouse. We had a perfect life together.
She wants out she only has to say so. I only want to be with her if she wants to be with me. NOT if she does not want too.

She is a very special person, but as I am seeing not so special.
She set boundaries that where perfect for a maridge perfect.
She set them. Now she is breaking them.

I do not get it. I just booked a 5 day holiday in a 4 star resort.
with her and my daughter. But, if she wants out she only has to say so.

I donno what to do.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

fernandezduk said:


> HI,
> 
> I am hurt not jelouse. We had a perfect life together.
> She wants out she only has to say so. I only want to be with her if she wants to be with me. NOT if she does not want too.
> ...


First off one situation is business the other is something she is pursuing. 

Also, do not get hung up on the word jealous. The fact is that the jealous response, that gut feeling, is something men need to listen to. It is natural. It has a purpose. Men are wired to prevent other males from impregnating their mate. You should be jealous right now. Your wife is seeking to interact with a male she seemingly does not know well for dubious purposes in a social setting and most importantly in isolation from her mate. 

Also ignore anyone who says marriage is built on trust and she is an adult and you should trust her. Ummmm. Trust is great. You trust her to not put herself and you into this situation. She is crossing boundaries. So it comes down to something more imprtant than blind trust. That is your love for her. She is acting out for some reason. Because you love her, it is your role to engage this situation. Otherwise you are enabling another male to be with your wife. You can trust that he will try to bed her. You can trust that these things are chemical. She will feel ok with it.

It sounds like there is more to this than she is saying. Usually a person slowly falls into an EA that moves to a PA. Perhaps this is the case. If so she already is in an EA with this guy. But that does not add up if she does not really know this guy. Maybe she really does.

The next thing is that she is just really attracted to this guy and wants to be closer. Either she is fooling herself by thinking it is about friendship or she blatantly is out to be with this guy because she is attracted to him.

This may be akin to women seeking sex from their personal trainer. It seems to occur often enough to be of concern. The workaround for that in the gym is for women to have a female personal trainer. He is just someone who she met at the gym?

Fundamentally I think you need to tell her that this is unacceptable to you and a deal breaker. I would go right to that. She is crossing boundaries. Frankly you do not want to enable this and you certainly do not want to go through the agony of wondering how far this is progressing as it does. It is infiniely harder to undo this than it is to prevent it. Now by prevent, obviously if she wants to be with this guy so badly that she is willing to risk you to do it, then she will do it. Her need to teach this guy English appears to be more imprtant than her marriage. How much sense does that make? You are in no way being unreasonable. This is crazy. I am sorry you are going through this.

Tell her this is a deal breaker for you. It is unacceptable. Tell her it makes no sense for her to risk her marraige over her desire to be alone with this guy. Again there may already be something going on and she is just wanting to not hide it as much, but disguise it. It is a bit puzzling. She is a SAHM and goes to the gym five days a week. Sweet! Life is good. How nice of you to work all day and support thislife style. I guess that is fine but now she wants to engage with men also. Not so sweet.

Good idea on booking that time for you guys. Make sure she understands that the boundary around males is also your boundary.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BleepingFamily said:


> Hey,
> I think more than upset you are jealous.
> Why would your wife tell you about MAYBE helping a guy, MAYBE going for coffee with him if she knows you are a jealous kind of guy? Plus she does this after you had a fight.
> Either way she is looking for an excuse to leave, o she wants to make you jealous because she doesn't feel appreciated by you.
> ...


OMG, I hope you are joking because that is what most do. AND they lose their wife! LOL.


----------



## fernandezduk (Aug 1, 2011)

Spoke to her last night.

All hell broke loose.

But a good came out of it and we sorted it all out.
Thanks all, for all your help.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

fernandezduk said:


> Spoke to her last night.
> 
> All hell broke loose.
> 
> ...


Wondermous!!

Good luck.


----------

