# Pregnant. might not be husbands



## KateJ

Please please do not be harsh when reading this. I love my husband and we have been together since we were 17. We've been married for 4 years now. We've had our ups and downs like any couple but i've never stopped loving him. 

A couple years ago he had and an emotional affair with some woman he worked with. I was a good wife and i took him back but i don't think i ever forgave him. we haven't been super happy for the last two years or so. my husband has been sort of detached and become a work-aholic. i've been lonely and i made a couple mistakes. 

Last december we decided to try to have a baby and I went off the pill. we've been trying to conceive without much luck. In march I went to see meet up with some old friends for a weekend. i made a terrible mistake and i had a few too many drinks and i ended up in bed with one of my friends. we slept together six times that weekend. I came home and I realized how big of a mistake i made and i'm trying to make amends. 

Two weeks ago I found out that I was pregnant. I'm 6 weeks right now which is right around the time I cheated. I'm so scared. I'm pretty sure its not my hubby's. we tried for months without any luck and sure enough the one time i stray I end up pregnant. I don't know what to do. there is a chance it could be my husbands. I slept with him right after i got back from the trip. We really want the baby and he wouldn't understand me getting an abortion. I don't want to confess and I don't want to abort my baby. 

We just bought a house and we both so badly want a child. I don't want my mistake to ruin our lives. I just need some advice and guidance on what to do.


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## keko

Be honest with him, as soon as you can. If he finds it out on his own you'll have a much less chance of being together.


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## TDSC60

KateJ said:


> Please please do not be harsh when reading this. I love my husband and we have been together since we were 17. We've been married for 4 years now. We've had our ups and downs like any couple but i've never stopped loving him.
> 
> A couple years ago he had and an emotional affair with some woman he worked with. I was a good wife and i took him back but i don't think i ever forgave him. we haven't been super happy for the last two years or so. my husband has been sort of detached and become a work-aholic. i've been lonely and i made a couple mistakes.
> 
> Last december we decided to try to have a baby and I went off the pill. we've been trying to conceive without much luck. In march I went to see meet up with some old friends for a weekend. i made a terrible mistake and i had a few too many drinks and i ended up in bed with one of my friends. we slept together six times that weekend. I came home and I realized how big of a mistake i made and i'm trying to make amends.
> 
> Two weeks ago I found out that I was pregnant. I'm 6 weeks right now which is right around the time I cheated. I'm so scared. I'm pretty sure its not my hubby's. we tried for months without any luck and sure enough the one time i stray I end up pregnant. I don't know what to do. there is a chance it could be my husbands. I slept with him right after i got back from the trip. We really want the baby and he wouldn't understand me getting an abortion. I don't want to confess and I don't want to abort my baby.
> 
> We just bought a house and we both so badly want a child. I don't want my mistake to ruin our lives. I just need some advice and guidance on what to do.


You need to tell him the truth. There are too many genetic variables at work here. Like if both you and your husband have blue eyes and you give birth to a brown eyed baby, that would be impossible if the child were his. Also blood type can prove that he is not the parent.

He may be physically incapable of fathering a child. What if years down the road a doctor finds something and tells him he cannot be a father.

Truth is best all around at this point.


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## KateJ

He won't stay if its not his. I feel so guilty but i think telling him would break his heart and cause him more pain. my friend looks quite a bit like my husband. i don't think he would know. i just feel horrible about this. its my luck that the one time i make a mistake this would happen. i have been a perfect wife aside from this. i forgave him for his A. I know he won't forgive me for mine.


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## jh52

KateJ said:


> Please please do not be harsh when reading this. I love my husband and we have been together since we were 17. We've been married for 4 years now. We've had our ups and downs like any couple but i've never stopped loving him.
> 
> A couple years ago he had and an emotional affair with some woman he worked with. I was a good wife and i took him back but i don't think i ever forgave him. we haven't been super happy for the last two years or so. my husband has been sort of detached and become a work-aholic. i've been lonely and i made a couple mistakes.
> 
> Last december we decided to try to have a baby and I went off the pill. we've been trying to conceive without much luck. In march I went to see meet up with some old friends for a weekend. i made a terrible mistake and i had a few too many drinks and i ended up in bed with one of my friends. we slept together six times that weekend. I came home and I realized how big of a mistake i made and i'm trying to make amends.
> 
> Two weeks ago I found out that I was pregnant. I'm 6 weeks right now which is right around the time I cheated. I'm so scared. I'm pretty sure its not my hubby's. we tried for months without any luck and sure enough the one time i stray I end up pregnant. I don't know what to do. there is a chance it could be my husbands. I slept with him right after i got back from the trip. We really want the baby and he wouldn't understand me getting an abortion. I don't want to confess and I don't want to abort my baby.
> 
> We just bought a house and we both so badly want a child. I don't want my mistake to ruin our lives. I just need some advice and guidance on what to do.


Hi Kate -- I could maybe see you made a mistake if you slept with the guy once when you were drunk -- but you slept with him 5 other times that weekend when you were not drunk. You two are both young and are not ready for marriage let alone bring an innocent baby into this world.


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## keko

KateJ said:


> He won't stay if its not his. I feel so guilty but i think telling him would break his heart and cause him more pain. my friend looks quite a bit like my husband. i don't think he would know. i just feel horrible about this. its my luck that the one time i make a mistake this would happen. i have been a perfect wife aside from this. i forgave him for his A. I know he won't forgive me for mine.


How do you know he wont stay? Most men will give in if their wife is honest to them. 

What if your husband finds this out 10 years later? For a minute stop thinking about yourself and think about your husband and how much pain he'll go through if he found it out 10,20 years later.


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## BigLiam

You should tell your husband. It would not be fair for him to have no choice and for him to have to raise another man's child(unless he wants to).

There is the STD issue, as well. You have put your husband at grave risk.


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## jh52

BigLiam said:


> You should tell your husband. It would not be fair for him to have no choice and for him to have to raise another man's child(unless he wants to).
> 
> There is the STD issue, as well. You have put your husband at grave risk.


You also put yourself at risk for STD -- get yourself checked !!


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## morituri

KateJ said:


> Last December we decided to try to have a baby and I went off the pill. we've been trying to conceive without much luck. In march I went to see meet up with some old friends for a weekend. i made a terrible mistake and i had a few too many drinks and i ended up in bed with one of my friends. *we slept together six times that weekend*. I came home and I realized how big of a mistake i made and i'm trying to make amends.


First of all, you need to know the difference between a mistake and a bad choice.

*Mistake*: An act committed without any knowledge of a possible negative outcome.

*Bad Choice*: An act committed with awareness of the possible negative outcome but deciding to ignore it or hoping for the best.

It is one thing for you to have done it once under the influence of alcohol but doing it 6 times during the weekend? That is hardly a mistake.

Since you asked for advice, here is some:

1. Confess to you husband what you did.

2. Get the two of you tested in STDs.

3. Print and read the following

*3 Ways to Erase Post-Affair Anger*
*Cheated On, Tortured by Images*
*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40190-feeding-affair-image-beast.html#post593486*
*How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair*

4. You have already betrayed him, do not compound it by committing paternity fraud which can blow up in your face years from now and hurt not just your husband but your child as well.


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## Gabriel

Think for a minute. If you don't tell him, you will spend the next 20 years looking at your child and husband and aching in pain for how you brought this child into the world. 

Do you really want to do this to yourself? To your husband? What if some medical tests are needed or your baby needs blood and you have to stop your husband from being the donor? Point is this stuff ALWAYS comes out one way or another.

Also, why wouldn't you give this other man the right to know he has a child? I sure would want to know.


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## KateJ

my friend is married also and he has two kids. i don't think he would want to know. I know my husband and he wouldn't stay if he knew it wasn't his. i don't want to lose him. i would spend the rest of my life making it up to him. i don't think he necessarily has to know. my husband trusts me and he wouldn't have any doubts. i messed up but I don't want to ruin my baby's life over this. he/she deserves to have a dad who loves them. my husband would. If he knew it wasn't his it wouldn't be the same. there is also a small chance it is my husbands...


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## morituri

I'm sorry to say that you are being selfish in wanting to keep your husband through lies and deceit just like you were selfish when you chose to have sex 6 times with the OM during the weekend. Your marriage is a sham because you have made the choice to make it one.


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## pidge70

KateJ said:


> my friend is married also and he has two kids. i don't think he would want to know. I know my husband and he wouldn't stay if he knew it wasn't his. i don't want to lose him. i would spend the rest of my life making it up to him. i don't think he necessarily has to know. my husband trusts me and he wouldn't have any doubts. i messed up but I don't want to ruin my baby's life over this. he/she deserves to have a dad who loves them. my husband would. If he knew it wasn't his it wouldn't be the same. there is also a small chance it is my husbands...


Wow
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

You have to tell him. It's his choice whether or not he want's to raise another man's baby.


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## kenken

KateJ said:


> my friend is married also and he has two kids. i don't think he would want to know. I know my husband and he wouldn't stay if he knew it wasn't his. i don't want to lose him. i would spend the rest of my life making it up to him. i don't think he necessarily has to know. my husband trusts me and he wouldn't have any doubts. i messed up but I don't want to ruin my baby's life over this. he/she deserves to have a dad who loves them. my husband would. If he knew it wasn't his it wouldn't be the same. there is also a small chance it is my husbands...


i would suggest that you dont tell your husband,but you have to suffer the long term guilt..you choose!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

Is there a safe way to do a paternity test before the baby is born?


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## jh52

Do you and your husband hang out with this friend you slept with??


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## ahhnold

Your living in denial. You have repeatedly tried to conceive a baby with your husband and got NOTHING. Now the one time you sleep with another Man and PRESTO your pregnant !!! We both know it's the other man's baby. And by hiding this fact your only postponing the inevitable. He will find out when the kid hits her teen years and physical characteristics become distinct. (think khloe kardashian dear) You are underestimating your husband. He will know and the hell will be 100x more amplified. Tell him now and mitigate the fallout as much as possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicer

KateJ said:


> my friend is married also and he has two kids. i don't think he would want to know. I know my husband and he wouldn't stay if he knew it wasn't his. i don't want to lose him. i would spend the rest of my life making it up to him. i don't think he necessarily has to know. my husband trusts me and he wouldn't have any doubts. i messed up but I don't want to ruin my baby's life over this. he/she deserves to have a dad who loves them. my husband would. If he knew it wasn't his it wouldn't be the same. there is also a small chance it is my husbands...


Well, my wife just cheated on me. 
And I am going to be very brutally honest here. 

Now, I think you are INCREDIBLY self-centered. 

You love your husband, and want to give him the joy of fatherhood. So you let someone else have sex with you, and you are going to give your husband the joy of fatherhood. Wow, how thoughtful and touching. 

You think your baby should have a father. Well, how about telling a man to raise another baby, that is not his. Cuckold him. Yes, that is a great idea. 
Plus, that baby has a right to know its biological history. Like, if the person you had sex with has a family history of cancer, or ADHD, or other things. 

Honestly, I think you are acting in such an incredibly selfish way. 
You are only worried about YOU!!! You are worried about who will take care of you. If he finds you cheated on him and got pregnant, he won't be a cuckolded father. Can you blame him? You want to sentence him to 18 years of his life raising a child that isn't his. 

Besides, what happens if this other guy who is the father, wants to get in the life of the child? How will your husband take it then?

Tell him now, and beg for the best. Because if he finds out later in life, any small chance you have for sympathy will be gone.


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## ilgitano

Kate,

Did you use condoms the 5 other times... were you also drunk during these times? I can understand that if partners are very drunk, they could easily forget about protection. But if you were sober and had unprotected intercourse, it then becomes a more complex situation.

I've been in the position of your husband... it's beyond hurtful. I my case, she tried to hide the "mistake", but I easily picked up on her changes... ei: nervousness, couldn't look at me in the eyes... etc

Are other friends of yours aware of what went on during the weekend?... Hate to tell you this, but if that's the case, the truth could spill out from an unwanted source.


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## Thor

Tell your husband now, or wait for him to find out later. And he will find out later one way or another.

Then think about the effect on your child. Your husband may leave at that point.

I will tell you my deep belief that any action has the possibility of being forgiven with the exception of lying. There is no guarantee your husband will stay today if you tell him about the affair and that the baby may not be his. But is is definitely guaranteed he will leave if he finds out 6 months from now, or 2 years from now, or 10 years from now. And he will leave because you will have been lying to him repeatedly for all that time, not because you had the affair.


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## PBear

Sorry, but I think you're just trying to justify your desired course of action. If you wanted to avoid hurting people, you needed to do that before having unprotected sex with a friend. Now, you need to deal with the fallout of your actions in a responsible manner. To me, that means confessing to the situation, cleaning up your mess, and paying whatever price comes up.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri

With the exception of one, most here will not approve of your plan to deceive your husband in such heinous fashion. I feel very sorry for your husband and the child you are carrying for they not know who you really are and what you are truly capable of.


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## Anonymous1111

Unfortunately, I was in your shoes 4 months ago. My whole life I tried to make good decisions and make everybody happy. Nobody would expect something like this from me, not even me. I've almost been married two years now. My first (ex) and I reconnected almost a year ago and met in December. From that one night, I got pregnant and my life has been a wreck since. When I went to a close friend for advice, she told me to abort and pretend nothing ever happened. When I told my ex he told me to get an abortion and not to tell my husband because he would never forgive me.
Well, this is my first time being pregnant and I'm nearly 30. I didn't think I could get pregnant, I've never been on birth control. Things got really hard, and I wanted to end my life, but it would only hurt my husband more. After about 4 days of knowing that I was pregnant, I told my husband. He told me to abort. I felt pressured by everybody to abort. But something inside of me kept thinking about this baby growing inside of me. I went to a counselor and talked about everything. But no one can ever understand what it feels like unless they're in your shoes. I think you should tell your husband the truth. You don't have to tell him the details, but let him know. I told mine and it was one the hardest things I've had to do. He plans on sticking by me.He is growing to love the baby. I still feel deeply guilt and still think about abortion at 5 months. I know it seems crazy, I love my baby so much but everyday is a battle with all the emotions going on. I look at my husband and can't believe I am putting him through this, but honestly, I think I think about it more than he does, or at least he makes it seem that way. I hope you turn to God during this time, and choose to tell the truth.


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## CH

Make it fair then, let him sleep with another woman, have a kid with her but you guys get to keep the kid.

How would you feel?


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## donny64

So, you made a choice with full knowledge of the possible outcomes, but you do not want to afford your husband who you purport to love the same opportunity?

You want him to raise a child as though it were his own. When he may not ever be okay with that were he to know. What happens if he decides to do so, and the real father decides he wants a paternity test and demands to be a part of this child's life? Is THAT a fair thing to do to any man who is not aware of the possibility? The possibility that the child he believes is his own and loves, which he has been a father to, and he must now accept another man into that child's life as its father?

There is so much that can and will go wrong with this. Odds are GREAT that you could never hide this for the rest of the child's and your life. Do you want those dear to you to believe you made a bad choice one day, or do you want them to believe you've been a lying, deceitful person for life?

These people, your husband and the baby DESERVE THE TRUTH and nothing less. GIVE IT TO THEM.

You're being incredibly selfish trying to figure a way out of this. There isn't one. This man has the RIGHT to make a choice about his involvement in this child's life if it is not his. 

You messed up big. Now own up big. Actions have consequences. As a husband and man, I might forgive a mistake such as this if you showed some backbone and integrity and came forward with it. But I would never forgive making me live your lie for years or life. No Way.


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## Martin12

It may be immoral to many, but abortion would be a practical solution to your problem - NOW. 

That's sad, though. The alternative would be coming clean to your husband. You might have a "Prince Harry" that everyone will search in vain for resemblance to his father.

I recommend the post by Anonymous1111 with the tiny type in considering this dilemma.

Good luck, it's not the end of the world, you could raise the baby as a single mom, too.


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## bryanp

Wow you are a piece of work. You claim you drank too much and slept with this other married man 6 TIMES over the weekend. I guess you were drunk each time. What is terrible is that you come home and immediately sleep with your husband not caring that you put him at risk for STD's.

On top of all of this you think you are pregnant with the OM's baby but you will not tell your husband since you fear he will leave you. You are so unbelievable selfish and it is all about you. Your husband had an emotional affair and you screw another man 6 times and get pregnant. I guess you think this is the same?

You have played your husband for a complete fool and continue to play him for a fool. You have disrespected and humiliated your husband and marriage in the worst possible and not even have the decency to be honest with him. You husband down the line will eventually find out and it will be much worse. This is about you and your husband not just about you.

This is just so unbelievable. You get off birth control to try to have a baby with your husband and screw another man 6 TIMES over a weekend and get pregnant. Did you even think of your husband when you were screwing this man 6 SEPARATE TIMES over the weekend? If you do not tell your husband and try to pass off another man's baby on him then you truly are the lowest of the low and have a totally broken moral compass. You should not raise a child with your belief system of deceit and dishonesty. You continue to disrespect and humiliate your husband. How can you sleep at night?


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## lordmayhem

Hold on a minute. Are you 6 weeks or 6 months pregnant? 6 weeks would mean you got pregnant around March 23rd. 6 months would mean you got pregnant around December 5. 

You need to own up to what you did. This was not a single drunken ONS. You banged OM six times that weekend. Like 3 times a day. Couldn't you at least have had the decency to use a condom? 

Yet another example of how affair sex is almost always unprotected sex.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/35167-affair-sex-unprotected-sex.html


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## cledus_snow

> we slept together *six times *that weekend.


this is what bothers me. once is a mistake, but six times is not.


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## lordmayhem

cledus_snow said:


> this is what bothers me. once is a mistake, but six times is not.


IKR?

OM must have gave her hot sex because she went back for more five times. And knowing how WSs use Trickle Truth, it was probably more than 6 times and probably not just that one weekend. Always the tip of the iceberg we see here.


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## cledus_snow

i hear ya, Lord.

this is damage control, we're dealin' with....._minimizing_.


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## KateJ

i'm 6 weeks along. Not six months. I know i'm a horrible person. i just want to do whats best for the baby and i don't want to hurt my husband. my husband does want a baby. my friend already has a family and would want nothing to do with the baby. i know i should tell him but it would mean the end of my marriage and no daddy for my child. i still think there is a chance it could be my husbands so maybe i should wait and see. we had sex before and after the weekend. i've been praying everyday since i found out that it is my husbands. but i know its probably not. we ttc for months without anything and the one time i cheat it happens. this is the only time in my life i have ever cheated.


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## Juicer

KateJ said:


> i'm 6 weeks along. Not six months. I know i'm a horrible person. i* just want to do whats best for the baby* and i don't want to hurt my husband. my husband does want a baby. my friend already has a family and would want nothing to do with the baby. *i know i should tell him but it would mean the end of my marriage and no daddy for my child*. i still think there is a chance it could be my husbands so maybe i should wait and see. we had sex before and after the weekend. i've been praying everyday since i found out that it is my husbands. but i know its probably not. we ttc for months without anything and the one time i cheat it happens. this is the only time in my life i have ever cheated.


The problem here is YOU

You need to first off, realize who the father is. If it is your husband's, you still need to hell him. You don't, it won't end well. 
My wife told me about her affair, and it was worse than yours, lasted longer, but no pregnancy. Well, she was kind enough to tell me. I tell you right now, if I had found out on my own, I would have divorced her, no doubt in my mind. 
But since she told me, I was more receptive. Now, it is still a situation, but I am more willing to work with her to a degree.

You are saying you are doing what is best for the child. 
But you sound more like you are doing what is best for YOU!
You are never thinking: hey, what is right for my husband? 

You want to cuckold your husband. Ultimate insult for any man. If it is his child, he'll still be hurt, but he'll be more likely to work it out. You ARE carrying his child in that situation. 
If it is not his, he has every right to leave you, and not want to be the father to the child. He is not the father, so don't force him. You can say "Fatherhood is more about who changes the diapers, and stays up with the baby" but you are tricking him into thinking it is his seed in you. 

You feel so attached to the baby though. But you need to know: this is your baby. It may not be his. So you will feel attached to it. Don't expect him to warm up to a baby that isn't his.


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## donny64

KateJ said:


> i'm 6 weeks along. Not six months. I know i'm a horrible person. i just want to do whats best for the baby and i don't want to hurt my husband. my husband does want a baby. my friend already has a family and would want nothing to do with the baby. i know i should tell him but it would mean the end of my marriage and no daddy for my child. i still think there is a chance it could be my husbands so maybe i should wait and see. we had sex before and after the weekend. i've been praying everyday since i found out that it is my husbands. but i know its probably not. we ttc for months without anything and the one time i cheat it happens. this is the only time in my life i have ever cheated.


NO! Again, stop being SELFISH!!!!! "Wait and see"? Again, NO!!!! Damnit woman, get this through your head....Your husband DESERVES THE TRUTH NOW before he begins developing attachment to a child (unborn or not) which is likely not his! Stop justifying this by "not wanting to hurt him". The truth is if you cared about that you'd not have slept with this guy SIX TIMES. You simply do not want to come out about this and hope it is your husbands, at the expense of your husband's emotional needs, in order to save your marriage for YOU. Stop telling us and yourself that you're doing it to save him from hurt. 

And "best for the baby" is the baby as it grows actually know ing who its father is. Stop with the "protecting" of others as an excuse to try to make this work for you.

I think most of us can understand a single, drunken mistake. Had there been no other consequences to your husband and a child, you were GENUINELY remorseful and fully believed it could never happen again and you learned your lesson, well then maybe....maybe you could justify keeping this secret to yourself forever and not hurting someone else. That is assuming you would never do such a thing again, which it sounds like you believe you would not do. But, six times is not a single drunken mistake. You had a full blown, fully conscious affair, no matter the duration or time span. And this affair can have DEEP effects and implications on two other INNOCENT people.

You phucked up. Admit to it. Maybe if you throw yourself at the mercy of "the court", you'll be granted leniency. But deny, deceive and hide DESPITE THE IMPACT ON OTHERS and continue to show NO TRUE REMORSE (in other words, how can I get out of this)? If you were mine and I found out, there would be no chance, NO CHANCE of reconcilliation. A one time "mistake" and error in judgement? Maybe. Maybe even probably. Maybe I could get past that. And if I couldn't, at least I'd respect you for having some back bone and integrity...which might be important if by some long shot I was the father or your child....


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## Dollystanford

if it means the end of your marriage and no daddy for your child then so be it I'm afraid

if you don't believe in or don't want an abortion (which I'm assuming you don't) then you are going to have this baby. I'm also assuming you will be wanting the father to support this baby at least financially (the other man may not want anything to do with it if it's his but that's just his tough luck isn't it?)

so one way or another you need to know. You need to tell your H, accept his decision as to whether he wants to stay with you or not, have the baby, have a DNA test and take it from there

and living with the consequences of your actions may assist you in making better decisions in future. I'm really not judging, I'm speaking from experience (although not quite the same experience)


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## bryanp

You do not sound like you are sorry for cheating at all.

You do not sound like you are sorry for immediately having sex with your husband after being being with the OM 6 times and putting your husband's health at risk for STD's.

You sound like you are only sorry that you got pregnant from you cheating. You are unbelievable.


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## donny64

BTW, I wouldn't quite yet classify you as a "horrible person" as you stated you knew you were. I'll reserve judgment on that until you tell us, if you ever do, how you came to a resolution on this. You made a grave mistake. Do you have a shred of integrity and will face the consequences realizing the very real potential very adverse impact on other innocent people? Or do you hide, pray, deny, and deceive despite the impact on those innocent people? THAT, more than any mistake or lapse of judgement will determine if you are in fact "a horrible person", or a genuinely good person who simply screwed up. Let that sink in a while....


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## jnj express

How do you know your H---will leave you

You should take a test, so you know who the father is for sure----there may be medical issues that may come up, for the baby, and it's health, where you will HAVE to know who the father actually is---so you need to find out.

If the child is not your H---then, the birth father MUST be responsible for helping to care for the baby----you have already ruined lives, with what you have done---now do the right thing for the child.

Also as has been stated above---this was not a mistake---cheating is NEVER a mistake---it was a series of choices by you-----6 times, how do you figure that to be a mistake---6 times, you consciously chose to say to your H---you are nothing but a POS, you are not worth being married to----being drunk, is no excuse, and that might account for one act of sex---but 6 times, were you drunk for the whole 6 times you had sex---I very seriously doubt it

Own up to what you have done, and let the chips fall where they may---right now your guilt, is like a cancer, and it is spreading---at some point you, yourself, are gonna tip your H., off with your actions, and worsening guilt----get it out---and hope your H, gives you the greatest gift, you will ever recieve---a 2nd chance---if nothing else, the innocent child deserves a peaceful existence---which can never happen, with you consumed by guilt, as you now are.


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## Badblood

Kate, you are being stupid. Your husband WILL KNOW whether or not it's his, at some point in time. If you or your husband or child EVER get a blood test or have lab work done because of an illness or injury, you will be giving DNA samples, and any lab tech can match them up. It is highly probable that you AND your baby will have DNA samples taken at birth. What if you have a son and he is injured in sports? Or a daughter who has a disease? What will happen then? Would you risk your child's life to hide your shame? TELL YOUR HUSBAND NOW!!!


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## ahhnold

living a lie DOES NOT END WELL !!!!!! Your setting to destroy your child's life. Your playing this whole " Catch Me If You Can " with your husband and you think there is a rainbow at the end of this game ??? What part of this don't you understand --- HE WILL CATCH YOU AS SOON AS THIS KID HITS PUBERTY. THE TRUTH WILL COME OUT AND YOUR CHILD WILL END UP IN A PSYCHE WARD TRYING TO RESOLVE THAT THE MAN SHE CALLED FATHER FOR 18 YEARS WAS NOT HER FATHER AND SHE IS A BASTARD CHILD OF AN ADULTERESS WOMAN !!! THIS WILL TRAUMATIZE YOUR CHILD !!! --- GET THE TRUTH OUT NOW !!!!!! SPARE THE CHILD THIS MASSIVE MENTAL BLOW !!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity

Don't abort the baby, he's an innocent party in this whole thing. Do the right thing and tell your husband the truth and the other man if it turns out to be his. The pain of him finding out now would be less severe than if he grows emotionally attached and discovers it's not his later on.

By deluding him into thinking that he's the father, you'll robbing him of potentially the happiest time of his life and you will never be forgiven for making him raise another man's baby. You will also have a terrible pregnancy due to the stress and guilt which can have bad effect on the baby.

If you want your first pregnancy and child to be a result of deceit and adultery then don't tell your husband, but as other people have said, the truth eventually comes out.


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## omega

You must tell your husband, because he has the right to know. I would think VERY strongly about abortion. It may save your marriage, but not without being completely honest with your husband about what you did and how you got pregnant. 

If you don't abort, you should tell the father of the child. He has the right to know that he has a child! Just because he's married and has two children is completely irrelevant- HE HAD SEX with you, without a condom, so obviously he already knows it's a possibility! He may want to have contact with his son/daughter, and why shouldn't he want that? It's the most natural thing in the world.

If I were in your shoes, I would be making my decision today - do not put it off! Every hour that goes by, you are making your situation worse. Abortions are much easier the sooner they happen - both from a medical and a psychological perspective - and by putting it off you are sending the message to your husband that you would rather have a child with another man than be honest with him.

The fact that you never forgave him for his EA means that you NEED COUNSELING. If you cannot forgive him for that (which is perfectly normal!!!) you should have divorced. The fact that you decided to try to have a child instead is pretty worrying considering that you don't have a happy marriage.

You have a lot of options (abortion, adoption, parent the child with its actual father, parent the child with your husband) but continuing to lie to your husband about will prove absolutely disastrous. I know that there are 500 voices in your head telling you that you should just sweep it under the rug, BUT there is a very good reason that you have dozens of people here telling you that the truth WILL come out - all he has to do is suspect something and do a paternity test on his own child - the simplest thing - and that can all happen without your knowledge or you saying a word.


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## Thewife

One of my cousin was married for 4 years and no kids so his wife decided to time a non stop sex with her married friend who had kids behind her husband's back to conceive as she claims she loves him and wants to give him a baby, fortunate for my cousin he caught her and she didn't get pregnant. It was a heart breaking situation for him, he felt the lowest of life and now they are separated for good. 

If you truly love him you would have never cheated him, pls don't call this a mistake, its cheating. It would be a grave mistake to keep this from him. In the best interest of yourself, the child and your husband please tell him everything and let him decide he needs to know the truth.


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## Kallan Pavithran

You said you love your husband but how can a women who loves her husband can spread her legs for someone who is already married? you said it was a one time mistake, no it was not a one time mistake, you did it six times with OM,how can it be a one time mistake? When you went to bang OM six times each time you know that you are cheating your husband, you are going to hurt him, you are going to kill you marriage but you did it again and again consciously, After reaching home you slept with your husband putting his life on threat for STDs which may kill him, another. You lied to him for a long about your cheating and getting pregnant from some POS and made him to believe that he is the father another mistake.How can this be a one time mistake. What you did was a mistake, what you are doing now is also mistakes, in future also you are going to continue this mistake for your entire life.

Cheating, lying and deceiving your husband was a horrible choice you made knowing the consequences, now hiding the paternity is a heinous act done to a human being. most disgraceful act!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

can you look yourself into mirror without guilt and shame? you should look in the mirror and you should realize what you have become and ask yourself do you want to live your entire life like a person whom you never like to see in the mirror? If the answer is NO, then tell your husband the truth and face the consequences of your cheating, else live your life like a POS with guilt, lie and deceit, you can choose it now.

There is a saying "one cannot hide the lie for ever, the truth will come out of the darkness one day" it may take time but it will come out. so better let it come out from your mouth and even if he leaves you you can at least say, you said the truth.

Jesus said "forgive them, they dont know what they are doing" but you will never going to get that holy forgiveness in your life because " *you know what a heinous thing you are doing to a human being"*


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## kenmoore14217

Kate honey, you know what the answer is to this horrible mess. The answer will come from within you. Honorable people don't build a life out of a house of cards and you certainly can't do it either. You will eventually have to step forward and be accountable, as we all are, and face all of our transgressions. And remember, when you tell one lie you will have to eventually tell a million more just to keep the original lie hidden.........it's not worth it


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## Numb-badger

You said at the start for us not to be harsh.

In this case I have nothing to say. 

Harshness is exactly what you need to wake up.


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## pidge70

Badblood said:


> Kate, you are being stupid. Your husband WILL KNOW whether or not it's his, at some point in time. If you or your husband or child EVER get a blood test or have lab work done because of an illness or injury, you will be giving DNA samples, and any lab tech can match them up. It is highly probable that you AND your baby will have DNA samples taken at birth. What if you have a son and he is injured in sports? Or a daughter who has a disease? What will happen then? Would you risk your child's life to hide your shame? TELL YOUR HUSBAND NOW!!!


:iagree:


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## SeanW

KateJ said:


> i'm 6 weeks along. Not six months. I know i'm a horrible person. i just want to do whats best for the baby and i don't want to hurt my husband. my husband does want a baby. my friend already has a family and would want nothing to do with the baby. i know i should tell him but it would mean the end of my marriage and no daddy for my child. i still think there is a chance it could be my husbands so maybe i should wait and see. we had sex before and after the weekend. i've been praying everyday since i found out that it is my husbands. but i know its probably not. we ttc for months without anything and the one time i cheat it happens. this is the only time in my life i have ever cheated.


I don't know if you're a horrible person, for sure you're acting in a horrible way. What would you think about your dear husband getting another woman pregnant? Would you be happy? 
You can't tell whether he's going to uncover the truth or not. It can easily happen, by chance, in so many ways you now can't even imagine. Trust me for this: life is not foreseeable. 

If you think you can mange to hide it, take a look on google: there are several cases of people finding out such things even a decade later. Sometimes just for a quick check after a flu...

You are afraid of losing your marriage, and that's the only reason why you don't want to tell him. Your main fear is for yourself. The rest is an excuse. 

Thing is, if he finds out himself, you will lose him. If you tell him, showing how remorseful you are, how much you regret it etc etc, he might give you a chance. It will take time and quite a big amount of sorrow, but the truth will set you free. Are you prepared to live the rest of your life in the constant dread of being caught? 

From my point of view, if my wife made a mistake and afterwards takes courage and tells me, at least she's showing me the effort of repairing for what she has done. She won't pass through for free, but I can see by fact she cares. 

If I find out, after her best effort to hide it, I'd kick her arse out of my house. No matter what she says and how many times she bangs her head on the wall. She's a cheater and a bloody liar. I'd be done with her.

Just my 3 cents (as I'm in Britain I use GBP, so 2 pence are around 3 USD cents...).


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## happyman64

Kate,

You are not a horrible person or a monster.

You are a person that has made a horrible mistake.

You have already hurt your husband, he just does not know about it yet.

You have hurt your marriage, it just has not felt the damage yet.

I am going to tell you the future because you are too afraid to see it clearly.

You are going to feel this guilt forever. It is slowly going to build up and weigh on your soul everyday. It will only become a heavier burden until it breaks you down to a point you will not function as a loving, caring spouse.

Your husband is going to see you change into this horrible person and ask you everyday what is wrong or until he questions himself if he is crazy because he cannot make you happy.

When the baby is born you are going to look at this child and wonder who this baby's father is every minute of every hour of every day.

Until one day you have a mental breakdown and confess.
And your husband is going to realize that your last 2-3 years of your marriage has been a total sham.

He is going to not only realize that you cheated on him multiple times, but you became pregnant and did not confess to him. 

Then he is going to realize that you never forgave him for his EA and had a revenge affair that went PA. Double devastation for him now. That is why he will look back 2-3 years and realize that his marriage is a sham.

You guys are young but hopefully not stupid. Have a plan in place like this and have it well thought out.

1.Tell him the truth now. Do not lie about any facts. Have a 3rd person there so if he loses his temper you will be safe. Have a bag packed just in case he asks you to leave while he gets his emotions under control. Hopefully you can stay and comfort him.

2.Do not hold back on any details. Expose the OM to his wife. Do this for your husband if you hope you can salvage the marriage. It is the right thing to do for your husband and your friend's wife (good married friends do not sleep with each other. Find new friends!!!).

3. Tell your family what has happened before you tell your husband. You will need them for support and possibly a place to stay. Make sure your husband knows you have told your family.

4. No matter what he says to hurt you back, no matter how hurtful do not fight back or accuse him of causing you to have an affair. It will only make matters worse and cause resentment.

5. If he asks you what you want have a plan in place such as,
you stay together and once the bay is born a paternity test is done. If he is the Dad you both work on the marriage. You guys both have issues with the marriage.

If the baby is the OM's you have to decide what you want. This part of the plan might not include your husband but that is not his fault since you did not seek his advice before you slept with the om. Maybe you wait and have the baby to see who the father is but I think it is best if you call the OM's wife and let her know what happened. She has a right to know too. If you still love your husband you need to go the distance to make him feel safe in the marriage as best you can.

All I am really trying to say is "Honesty is the best policy".

You really have blown up your marriage and should be honest with him now.

Best of Luck and I hope the baby is your husbands....

HM64


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## KanDo

This is really unhidable. Medical practitioners are now doing genetic profiles to assess disease risk and treatment. Within just a few years, we will all be profiled and you will not be able to hide the truth. I wish it wasn't so, but it is.

I am sorry for you. You are in a terrible position. Lying will only compound it.


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## The Middleman

I’m no judge of human behavior and I don’t want to tell you what was in your head when you did what you done, but let’s lay out some facts. You willingly allowed this other man, a virtual stranger, to ejaculate inside you at least six times (sorry for being graphic, but I’m setting the table for my point) while you are trying to conceive with your husband. I know from experience with my wife and others (in my single days) that a woman behaves one way sexually when she wants to conceive and a different way when she doesn’t. Just buy assessing your own words here and how you described the sex, I think you knew full well what you were doing when you allowed this guy to have “unprotected sex” with you. It sounds to me like you did it on purpose; you wanted this child by any means necessary and now you have “buyer’s remorse”.

First be honest with yourself about what you did; that this pregnancy by a man who is not your husband was not an accident. Once you do that, the answer is going to be clear and in my opinion you will have to raise this child as a single mom. It's the right thing to do.


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## tacoma

KateJ said:


> We just bought a house and we both so badly want a child. I don't want my mistake to ruin our lives. I just need some advice and guidance on what to do.


Tell your husband you`re carrying another mans child, there is nothing else you can do.

It`s quite likely your marriage is over as not many men will be cuckolded to the point of raising another mans kid from his wifes infidelity.

Depending on your and your husbands views abortion is the only thing that "might" save your marriage.


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## tacoma

KateJ said:


> He won't stay if its not his. I feel so guilty but i think telling him would break his heart and cause him more pain. my friend looks quite a bit like my husband.


I hope like hell you`re a troll.

You cannot attempt to pass off your lovers child as your husbands.

Not if you have even an iota of love or respect for your husband.

What you are contemplating is THE SINGLE MOST VILE THING A WOMAN COULD EVER DO TO A MAN!!!

Tell your husband and take the fallout.


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## Shaggy

KateJ said:


> He won't stay if its not his. I feel so guilty but i think telling him would break his heart and cause him more pain. my friend looks quite a bit like my husband. i don't think he would know. i just feel horrible about this. its my luck that the one time i make a mistake this would happen. i have been a perfect wife aside from this. i forgave him for his A. I know he won't forgive me for mine.


You need to tell him. You've already hurt your marriage when you slept with the OM six times. And you let him finish in you while not on the pill and you were working on a baby with your husband.

Seriously, this isnt just cheating, you deliberately choose to repeatedly let this man try to knock you up. 

Oh and then you slept with you husband right after. Nothing like giving him seconds. That was super nasty of you.

Now you are seriously thinking about passing this kid off as your husbands. Holy cow you just really hate your husband to contemplate further humiliating him like this. Wow.

You need to tell your husband, and I honest suggest you need to offer him a divorce.

You solo need to identify the msn you cheated with do your husband and you can tell his wife what a cheating piece of trash he is.

Let me guess, you've hung out with him since this, and even had him snd your husband hang together right? Your still his friend.

You say you feel horrible, I think you feel trapped and about to get in your betrayals and lies. You had no problem having a sex weekend with another man whole trying to have a baby with your husband. You had no guilt at all and went back to the OMs bed 6 times that weekend. Tell us, when was the last time you had sex with your husband 6 timed on a weekend.

You want to make it right, then free your husband for yourself and give him a diviorce. Come fully clean about the cheating and what you did with 
OM and how many times, so your husband realizes the person he is married to, so thst he knows how he can never trust you again, and can never believe you when you say you are going away with friends.

Honestoy, even if it is his kid, which I doubt since the OM got you first and many more times than you husband, he should think about divorcing you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb-badger

Every day you're with your husband and he doesn't know the truth- you're lying to protect yourself.
Every penny he pays in raising that child without knowing it's not his - your committing fraud to potect yourself.
Every day that passes you're getting closer to the explosion of truth that, believe me, WILL happen and will Destroy his life. Your life and the childs life.
Why?
Because you chose to take the cowards way out and think only of yourself.
The same selfish thinking that took place when you slept 'by mistake' with this other guy.
The only person you're fooling here is yourself.
I'm talking from experience in which my closest friend was bringing up a kid that wasn't his and those doubts do creep in.
He eventually and secretly did a home paternity test which revealed the truth. His wife argued that those things can't be upheld in court therefore must be inaccurate - but after a quick check up he found that they CAN be used as a basis to order an official dna test from the court, at which point the whole truth came tumbling out.

Still, I can only imagine that your main concern is yourself. 

I wonder if your husband fathered a child to another woman in secret you'd be so accommodating.

Probably not - as it didn't involve you.


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## NotLikeYou

happyman64 said:


> Kate,
> 
> You are not a horrible person or a monster.
> 
> You are a person that has made a horrible mistake.
> 
> HM64


Beg to differ, but Kate, putting even this little of a smiley face on your actions like this will not benefit anyone.

You cheated on your husband on at least 6 separate occasions that you admit to, in one weekend. While you may somehow be a nice person, you are a terrible wife for him.

And with what you intend to do to your husband and your child, you are well on your way down a path in life that darn near everyone will be able to agree qualifies you as a horrible *PERSON*.

And as Morituri pointed out, you didn't make an ooopsy mistake, you made at least 7 bad choices in one weekend, and you are making still more bad choices (even putting yourself in the situation that was your sex-fest weekend was a bad choice).

This is going to work out badly for you, whether you tell the truth or not.

You have two choices.

1) Tell the truth, suffer the consequences for your own really bad choices, and get on with your life.

2) Live a lie. Silently destroy your husband as a man, by making him live your lie every day, until he discovers the truth and is ruined as a partner. But by then, well, the poor fool will probably have had his name on the birth certificate long enough that you can gouge him for child support- he will have to pay you money every month to support your child, who is not his. 

You have zero empathy- you haven't been able to consider one bit how your husband will feel about what you have done (a total lack of empathy is a big hurdle towards being a decent person, also). It's all about you. It's not even really about your baby.

So I figure you'll go with "financially and emotionally rape my husband by lying about paternity."


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## Shaggy

Btw, the truth almost always comes out. The OM will be acting alpha around your husband because he knows you gave yourself willingly to him for a sex weekend. He now has that to hold over your husband forever. Oh, and he will do the math and figure out its his kid, and he will hold that over your husband too.

Oh then there are the longing looks you are going to be giving the friend. The smug looks he will give your husband. The OM bragging to the other friends there on your sex weekend. And don't forget, the new sex moves you picked up fom the OM. He must have been pretty good for you to jump into his bed 6 times that weekend. Must have made hubby seem kinda boring and bad huh?

Than there is blood types. The kid might look like you husbands but the blood type maybe an impossible type to be made from yours and your husbands. Read up on blood types and you'll see. This catches a lot of cheaters and will show up at the hospital and during pregnancy.

Then there is medical stuff down the road.

Oh and don't forget, the husband who comes to realize he doesn't trust his wife and gets a hone DNA test kit and tests his kids. They sell them at the local drugstore and it's easy to use. So your husband may find out this way.

See its not just be quiet about your betrayal and it will pass. Nope. Instead you will be facing possible exposé each and every day for the rest of you husbands life.

You better come clean and begin dealing with the situation you created when you chose to cheat. Be a grown up and be honest for once.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## working_together

KateJ said:


> He won't stay if its not his. I feel so guilty but i think telling him would break his heart and cause him more pain. my friend looks quite a bit like my husband. i don't think he would know. i just feel horrible about this. its my luck that the one time i make a mistake this would happen. i have been a perfect wife aside from this. i forgave him for his A. I know he won't forgive me for mine.


There's another thread similar to this about a man who found out that his baby was not his. Would you not worry that he would eventually find out? and your child will find out one day. Talk about double betrayal...

What a mess.....is abortion really out of the question???

And you don't want to tell him because you know he will leave you?? you knew all this when you cheated, and I'm harsh because I was a cheater and screwed up a lot in my life.

tell him and suffer the consequences.


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## morituri

You may think we are obsessing with the fact that you had sex with the OM 6 times over the weekend but we're not. That fact alone shows that it was not a drunken ONS you had but a deliberate choice. Why should anybody believe that if you again found yourself alone with the OM, that you wouldn't do a repeat of your sex fest? You got away with it once, right? What's to stop you from a repeat performance once the guilt and shame subside and the memories of the sexual pleasure you received from the OM return? What then?


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## Machiavelli

tacoma said:


> I hope like hell you`re a troll.


Don't we all. A man's worst nightmare.

Troll or not, the whole story is classic behavior.

1.Woman marries.
2.H is beta or becomes beta. This is no problem since BC pills reduce W's attraction to manlier types. She's content with beta H.
3.W gets sense of entitlement (via "emotional affair").
4.W goes off BC and gets wet for alphas. H ain't looking so good.
5.Wife knows an alpha OM who probably looks enough like H.
6.Wife goes to meet alpha OM for unprotected, maximum fertility fvckathon.
7.Wife immediately gets beta BH to nail her to provide cover for the Alpha gene kid she's planning.
8.Beta Provider BH is stuck as a **** wasting his time and money on OM's kid and providing for its mother.
9.In the meantime, WB will get the itch for more alpha sperm to reward her Beta BH with more strange kids to raise, making him even happier.

It's an old story. At least in this version, the OM can't order the BH into battle.


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## Machiavelli

morituri said:


> You may think we are obsessing with the fact that you had sex with the OM 6 times over the weekend but we're not. That fact alone shows that it was not a drunken ONS you had but a deliberate choice. Why should anybody believe that if you again found yourself alone with the OM, that you wouldn't do a repeat of your sex fest? You got away with it once, right? What's to stop you from a repeat performance once the guilt and shame subside and the memories of the sexual pleasure you received from the OM return? What then?



Absolutely, it was a choice. Drunk? I want to see a blood alcohol test. This was premeditated.


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## Shaggy

morituri said:


> You may think we are obsessing with the fact that you had sex with the OM 6 times over the weekend but we're not. That fact alone shows that it was not a drunken ONS you had but a deliberate choice. Why should anybody believe that if you again found yourself alone with the OM, that you wouldn't do a repeat of your sex fest? You got away with it once, right? What's to stop you from a repeat performance once the guilt and shame subside and the memories of the sexual pleasure you received from the OM return? What then?


She didn't say she ended it with the OM either. She did say that when she got home she agsinst had sex with her husband. The OM must have been very good indeed. I have a nastfeeling she's still invent act with the OM and will sleep with him again if she can down the road. The fact that she willingly returned to his bed 5 more timed shows that except for getting knocked up, she didn't have any guilt over cheating.

There is also a theory that women's bodies choose to which of their lovers soerm actually get to impregnate her. She will choose the one she wants and reject the sperm of the lower lesser lover.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry

KateJ said:


> He won't stay if its not his. I feel so guilty but i think telling him would break his heart and cause him more pain. my friend looks quite a bit like my husband. i don't think he would know. i just feel horrible about this. its my luck that the one time i make a mistake this would happen. i have been a perfect wife aside from this. i forgave him for his A. I know he won't forgive me for mine.


It doesn't matter, the truth is you might be pregnant with another man's child. You should tell your H. Do you know what kind of emotional pain you could cause for not just you H, but a child to be raised with that kind of lie? If the child is the other man's baby, 50% chance or greater, it's only a matter of time before both your H and your child know. If you are comfortable living a lie until then, so be it. But it is wrong on so many levels. My H raised a little girl for a short three years before finding out it was not his child biologically. It was devastating and it fvcked him up bad.


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## lordmayhem

KateJ said:


> i'm 6 weeks along. Not six months.


Are you saying that you continued to bang your OM AFTER last December? This means you conceived sometime in the 3rd week of March.



KateJ said:


> we had sex before and after the weekend.


So you admit this was NOT a one time mistake. You were banging your OM prior to that weekend where you spread your legs for him a minimum of six times, and then *you CONTINUED to have sex with OM at least until March *and probably after that. 

Yes, the Trickle Truth continues KateJ.



KateJ said:


> we ttc for months without anything and the one time i cheat it happens. this is the only time in my life i have ever cheated.


Stop the lying KateJ. You didn't cheat one time. You've already admitted to having sex with your OM before that December weekend and continued to have sex with him after that. You continued to have sex with OM at least until you got pregnant at the end of March.


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## Alyosha

Do not under any circumstances tell your husband about the affair.

Have the baby. Make absolutely sure that your husband signs the birth certificate. Then, get a paternity test done secretly. You can pick up a mail in buccal swab kit at your local drug store and get results for less than $100.

If the baby is your husband's, no harm no foul. Have a good life being a sahm.

If it is the stud horse's -- just make sure your husband doesn't find out for a few years. If he finds out after that, the courts will still make him pay support (what a country!!!). Even if he divorces you, he'll still be on the hook for your stud's spawn. Yay yay!!!

If you still have some youth left after that, you can move on to the next sucker.

Keep quiet and carry on. You go, girl!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

If you do not tell your husband, you'll be lying to him everyday. Marriage is about trust.

Tell him. He deserves to know. You need to own up to your responsibility, no excuses to validate what you did. 

You are a grown woman and made a huge mistake. Yes, it might end this marriage, but let this be a learning lesson for the future.

My ex was very unfaithful and abusive to me for 2 years. I wasn't in love with him, not emotionally connected at any time due to his behavior. I never had it in me to cheat, not even after a few drinks, not even a date. Yet, he had no trouble sleeping around.

Please be honest with him and let him know asap. 

It's tough being a single parent, but I was able to manage for 5-6 years before I married my current husband. If you really loved him, this would never taken place. I'm not trying to be mean, just honest. I was on the other end, but I was glad to find out. I'm truly happy now.


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## morituri

Shaggy said:


> She didn't say she ended it with the OM either. She did say that when she got home she against had sex with her husband. The OM must have been very good indeed. I have a nasty feeling she's still invent act with the OM and will sleep with him again if she can down the road. The fact that she willingly returned to his bed 5 more timed shows that except for getting knocked up, she didn't have any guilt over cheating.


I also believe that there is a good chance that once the guilt subsides, that she will be again receptive to the OM's attempts to have sex with her again. Putting aside any sexual pleasure she may have experienced with the OM, the attention she received from being pursued by him is THE thing that often causes many wives to spread their legs for another man.



> There is also a theory that women's bodies choose to which of their lovers sperm actually get to impregnate her. She will choose the one she wants and reject the sperm of the lower lesser lover.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. This is covered in detail in *Sperm Wars: Infidelity, Sexual Conflict and Other Bedroom Battles*.


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## Sara8

A blood test of the fetus may help you know it it is your husbands or the OM's child. 

Not always a definitive test thought depending on the OM's blood type. 

I am a betrayed spouse and I truly have no sympathy for you. I am just being analytical. 

I think though if he does find out you two are likely done. 

If my husband had fathered a child with the OW, I would not even consider staying.......that is just too much for me. 

Of course, your husband did cheat first and he may be more understanding than I was. 

Lying is the worst thing to do, though. He will eventually find out some how and then things will be compounded and even worse. 

Sorry, you made a bad choice. I hope the child does not suffer.

Sorry if I sound cold, I am in so much pain now from my husband's affair that I am fresh out of patience and empathy for cheaters.

I know about revenge affairs, but having one has never been on my agenda. I will divorce first before I even look for another relationship, if I decide that I can not forgive my husband fully for his affair


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## the guy

Well guys, OP couldn't sleep last night and used TAM to clear her concious. OP isn't about to do a damb think about this except help her sleep.
I imagine, OP felt so bad about this the 1st time, she did "it" 5 more times.
I mean really, if your going to screw around screw around safely.

OP will live with this for a few years and when a big fight breaks out she will spill the beans to hurt her H. It's just a matter of time.

Sorry guys this crap makes me sick!!!


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## pidge70

Alyosha said:


> Do not under any circumstances tell your husband about the affair.
> 
> Have the baby. Make absolutely sure that your husband signs the birth certificate. Then, get a paternity test done secretly. You can pick up a mail in buccal swab kit at your local drug store and get results for less than $100.
> 
> If the baby is your husband's, no harm no foul. Have a good life being a sahm.
> 
> If it is the stud horse's -- just make sure your husband doesn't find out for a few years. If he finds out after that, the courts will still make him pay support (what a country!!!). Even if he divorces you, he'll still be on the hook for your stud's spawn. Yay yay!!!
> 
> If you still have some youth left after that, you can move on to the next sucker.
> 
> Keep quiet and carry on. You go, girl!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wth?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko

pidge70 said:


> Wth?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sarcasm?


----------



## Shaggy

Alyosha said:


> Do not under any circumstances tell your husband about the affair.
> 
> Have the baby. Make absolutely sure that your husband signs the birth certificate. Then, get a paternity test done secretly. You can pick up a mail in buccal swab kit at your local drug store and get results for less than $100.
> 
> If the baby is your husband's, no harm no foul. Have a good life being a sahm.
> 
> If it is the stud horse's -- just make sure your husband doesn't find out for a few years. If he finds out after that, the courts will still make him pay support (what a country!!!). Even if he divorces you, he'll still be on the hook for your stud's spawn. Yay yay!!!
> 
> If you still have some youth left after that, you can move on to the next sucker.
> 
> Keep quiet and carry on. You go, girl!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well we now have a deep insight to Alyosha's moral character don't we. 

Spew.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

Another aspect that hasn't been discussed here is how much has her husband's EA been a factor in her not wanting to confess and lose the moral higher ground. 

IF she has been throwing the EA in his face whenever they've had arguments, it may be simply be too much for her ego to contemplate that it is going to be her turn to have her PA thrown at her face by her husband for the next couple of years. This has happened before with other couples, so it is very plausible that it is the same in this case as well.



Alyosha said:


> Do not under any circumstances tell your husband about the affair.
> 
> Have the baby. Make absolutely sure that your husband signs the birth certificate. Then, get a paternity test done secretly. You can pick up a mail in buccal swab kit at your local drug store and get results for less than $100.
> 
> If the baby is your husband's, no harm no foul. Have a good life being a sahm.
> 
> If it is the stud horse's -- just make sure your husband doesn't find out for a few years. If he finds out after that, the courts will still make him pay support (what a country!!!). Even if he divorces you, he'll still be on the hook for your stud's spawn. Yay yay!!!
> 
> If you still have some youth left after that, you can move on to the next sucker.
> 
> Keep quiet and carry on. You go, girl!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Careful. While it's obvious to us that you are being sarcastic, the OP may not see it that way and end up following your comments. In her state of mind, she's looking for reassurance that keeping her weekend sex trip and possible pregnancy by the OM, a wise move to save her marriage and protect her baby.


----------



## SweetAndSour

It is not baby's fault.

Best for the baby is to be borned at least, first.

You will not be able to hide the truth. 

Genetics is getting in to our daily life fast. My two baby's had the amnio tests.

My dad is 75 years old, his next birthday present will be his racial history. He is very into history, culture and where is he coming from. There is a service that you send them a cheek swap from inside your mouth and they analyse your genes and send you back your ancestorial history like who were they and what races they'd belong, where they been, thousands years back to today.

DNA tests are more frequently used today in medicine, will be used more I think. 

What I am getting to is your baby, if you decide to let it live, will know a lot about it's genes, DNA.

Do you want the baby to hear it from a doctor in the future and then let yourself face the kid's and his/her dad's confrontation as a lier or do the right thing now and inform your husband, the other man, other man's wife (yes she needs to know too). 

Everybody involved in this including, you has to know what is reality and decide what their stand is going to be by themself. If you hide it and decide for everybody now, well.... that's a big responsibility.


----------



## Machiavelli

Shaggy said:


> Well we now have a deep insight to Alyosha's moral character don't we.
> 
> Spew.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's satire; But, oh so true.


----------



## Gabriel

Guys, this poster won't listen to us. 40 different people all telling her the same thing and it won't matter. She probably already moved on to another website to find that one person who thinks she should keep it a secret and let her husband unknowingly raise another man's child. She'll just listen to that one person and ignore the dozens of the rest of us. Such a sad story.


----------



## The Middleman

Alyosha said:


> Do not under any circumstances tell your husband about the affair.
> 
> Have the baby. Make absolutely sure that your husband signs the birth certificate. Then, get a paternity test done secretly. You can pick up a mail in buccal swab kit at your local drug store and get results for less than $100.
> 
> If the baby is your husband's, no harm no foul. Have a good life being a sahm.
> 
> If it is the stud horse's -- just make sure your husband doesn't find out for a few years. If he finds out after that, the courts will still make him pay support (what a country!!!). Even if he divorces you, he'll still be on the hook for your stud's spawn. Yay yay!!!
> 
> If you still have some youth left after that, you can move on to the next sucker.
> 
> Keep quiet and carry on. You go, girl!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I sincerely hope you were being sarcastic.


----------



## the guy

This is the mind set for these wh0res, it doesn't suprise me in the least.
Its good to see how unhealthy these tramps are, its a warning for all of us.
Thank you Alyosha


----------



## morituri

Gabriel,

There is a good chance that she is reading the comments we are posting and hopefully they are making her look at the situation she is in without the rose colored glasses.

Her belief that keeping quiet about what she did is going to resolve the issue, is delusional at best. Even if she were able to pull it off, she would still be carrying the terrible secret of what she did and would eat her inside throughout the years forever fearful that one day the truth might be discovered and destroy the lives of all involved. That is assuming that she still a conscience left.


----------



## the guy

She put her conscience on the shelf, not the 1st time she slept with OM, but the 2nd time she slept with him, then after the 6th time OP just desided to leave it there.


----------



## Thor

My kids' middle school does a genetics section in science. The kids are sent home with a taste test strip. Really bitter! But being able to taste it is recessive, like blue eyes. If both genetic parents have blue eyes, junior will have blue eyes. If junior can taste the bitter on the paper strip, and mom cannot, and then if dad cannot....

Just saying there are landmines everywhere for H to find out the baby isn't his.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

morituri said:


> Gabriel,
> 
> There is a good chance that she is reading the comments we are posting and hopefully they are making her look at the situation she is in without the rose colored glasses.
> 
> Her belief that keeping quiet about what she did is going to resolve the issue, is delusional at best. Even if she were able to pull it off, she would still be carrying the terrible secret of what she did and would eat her inside throughout the years forever fearful that one day the truth might be discovered and destroy the lives of all involved. That is assuming that she still a conscience left.



:iagree::iagree::iagree::


Every days in her life is going to be in panorama of being caught, fear of being caught. What a horrible life is left for her.........

Life is short we cannot live our life in guilt, pain and fear, you are choosing that life by hiding the truth.


----------



## morituri

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Every days in her life is going to be in panorama of being caught, fear of being caught. What a horrible life is left for her..........


And knowing that her marriage is a sham based on lies and deceit to hold it together instead of love, trust and respect.


----------



## MrsKy

*Kidding?!*



KateJ said:


> Please please do not be harsh when reading this. I love my husband and we have been together since we were 17. We've been married for 4 years now. We've had our ups and downs like any couple but i've never stopped loving him.
> 
> A couple years ago he had and an emotional affair with some woman he worked with. I was a good wife and i took him back but i don't think i ever forgave him. we haven't been super happy for the last two years or so. my husband has been sort of detached and become a work-aholic. i've been lonely and i made a couple mistakes.
> 
> Last december we decided to try to have a baby and I went off the pill. we've been trying to conceive without much luck. In march I went to see meet up with some old friends for a weekend. i made a terrible mistake and i had a few too many drinks and i ended up in bed with one of my friends. we slept together six times that weekend. I came home and I realized how big of a mistake i made and i'm trying to make amends.
> 
> Two weeks ago I found out that I was pregnant. I'm 6 weeks right now which is right around the time I cheated. I'm so scared. I'm pretty sure its not my hubby's. we tried for months without any luck and sure enough the one time i stray I end up pregnant. I don't know what to do. there is a chance it could be my husbands. I slept with him right after i got back from the trip. We really want the baby and he wouldn't understand me getting an abortion. I don't want to confess and I don't want to abort my baby.
> 
> We just bought a house and we both so badly want a child. I don't want my mistake to ruin our lives. I just need some advice and guidance on what to do.


Are you kidding me? *How harsh is it for you to get pregnant for another man outside of your marriage??:* :rofl: It's amazing how people don't want to take responsibility for their actions. 

Cheating is never a "mistake". You cannot trip, fall and land in some other man's bed. The lack of accountability you are demonstrating takes my breath away. Since you slept with this OM six bloody times, you cannot convince anyone that was a "mistake." Own up to what you have done! 

You cannot have it both ways. It seems like you are considering raising the baby with your husband none the wiser. Face the consequences of your actions! Your husband deserves better.

I don't understand people with no empathy. *How would you feel if your husband knocked up some other woman? Wouldn't you want to know the truth? Do you care about anyone besides yourself?:*mad:


----------



## tacoma

> How would you feel if your husband knocked up some other woman? Wouldn't you want to know the truth? Do you care about anyone besides yourself?


It even far worse than that, their is no parallel for the level of deception concerning a woman being lied to in this manner.

The cheating is NOTHING compared to the OP wanting to pass off her lovers child as her husbands.

I`m not an abuser, nor a wife beater, I`ve never raised my hand in anger.
If I were to discover tomorrow that my eleven year old daughter was not mine my wife would be in physical danger.

I`d snap.

I can`t imagine a scenario worse than the one the OP is committing to.


----------



## the guy

Ok, I've calmed down, sory for the name calling, but not really.

The bottom line is it always comes out, in a few weeks, months or years. I've been on here long enough to know how this will turn out.

I found the eye color thing interesting, and what it the baby comes out not looking like either one of the parent, but more like the OM dad. Then I guess the cat would be out of the bag sooner then later.
Op is really in a lose lose sitch.........


----------



## Posse

tacoma said:


> It even far worse than that, their is no parallel for the level of deception concerning a woman being lied to in this manner.
> 
> The cheating is NOTHING compared to the OP wanting to pass off her lovers child as her husbands.
> 
> I`m not an abuser, nor a wife beater, I`ve never raised my hand in anger.
> If I were to discover tomorrow that my eleven year old daughter was not mine my wife would be in physical danger.
> 
> I`d snap.
> 
> I can`t imagine a scenario worse than the one the OP is committing to.


You are not alone in your thinking. The OP's proposed action ranks as one of the lowest, most craven, evil acts a person could possibly commit against someone else.

I'd snap too, I think.


----------



## morituri

For once, I would like her to imagine what it would be like to be in her husbands shoes for a minute. How would she feel if the child she raised and loved was not hers? That it was all a result of a perpetrated act of ultimate treasonous deception. That she had been targeted as the sacrificial lamb by her spouse. I wonder if she can do that, for one minute at least.


----------



## tacoma

morituri said:


> For once, I would like her to imagine what it would be like to be in her husbands shoes for a minute. How would she feel if the child she raised and loved was not hers? That it was all a result of a perpetrated act of ultimate treasonous deception. That she had been targeted as the sacrificial lamb by her spouse. I wonder if she can do that, for one minute at least.


Really Mori I`m not sure a woman could even begin to relate to such a situation as it is an utter impossibility she could ever be in it.

She can try, but she`ll never really "get it"


----------



## onehotmama

I was in a similar predicament.. My husband and I had a brief separation, before we were married and I had a relationship with someone else. A few months after my husband (then bf) and I got back together, I discovered that I was pregnant. The only difference for me was that I thought my bf was 100% the father based on a range of conception dates given to me by the OB. We married because we were having a baby and wanted to be a family. About 9 months after my daughters birth, my husband had doubts about her appearance and DNA tested the baby behind my back. It turned out that he wasn't the father, and this news was absolutely devastating for everyone involved. Even though I did not intentionally deceive him, I was positive the child was his (or so I thought), he still left me and the baby. He wants NOTHING to do with us, even the daughter he has been raising and loving as his own for almost a year. I wish so badly that I had told him about the relationship I had during our separation, even though I didn't have doubts at the time. If he had known, he would have insisted on genetic testing from the beginning. It would have saved my family a lot of heartache, and my daughter wouldn't have bonded with a father that doesn't love her anymore. I'll be the first person to tell you that fatherhood requires love, not DNA.. But just COME CLEAN. If he's going to leave you, which I hope he doesn't, it's better for it to happen now. If he leaves now, it will be hard, but at least you won't have grandparents and other family members that have bonded with your child involved and your baby won't miss what he/she never had to begin with. My husband instantly hated me when he found out, even though I never intended to trick him. He kicked my child and myself out of the house and has already moved his new gf in, only 3 weeks after we were given the boot. The divorce we are going through is seriously messy... Just save yourself the trouble and be honest now. The truth will come out no matter what, and you want it to be on your terms.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

onehotmama said:


> I was in a similar predicament.. My husband and I had a brief separation, before we were married and I had a relationship with someone else. A few months after my husband (then bf) and I got back together, I discovered that I was pregnant. The only difference for me was that I thought my bf was 100% the father based on a range of conception dates given to me by the OB. We married because we were having a baby and wanted to be a family. About 9 months after my daughters birth, my husband had doubts about her appearance and DNA tested the baby behind my back. It turned out that he wasn't the father, and this news was absolutely devastating for everyone involved. Even though I did not intentionally deceive him, I was positive the child was his (or so I thought), he still left me and the baby. He wants NOTHING to do with us, even the daughter he has been raising and loving as his own for almost a year. I wish so badly that I had told him about the relationship I had during our separation, even though I didn't have doubts at the time. If he had known, he would have insisted on genetic testing from the beginning. It would have saved my family a lot of heartache, and my daughter wouldn't have bonded with a father that doesn't love her anymore. I'll be the first person to tell you that fatherhood requires love, not DNA.. But just COME CLEAN. If he's going to leave you, which I hope he doesn't, it's better for it to happen now. If he leaves now, it will be hard, but at least you won't have grandparents and other family members that have bonded with your child involved and your baby won't miss what he/she never had to begin with. My husband instantly hated me when he found out, even though I never intended to trick him. He kicked my child and myself out of the house and has already moved his new gf in, only 3 weeks after we were given the boot. The divorce we are going through is seriously messy... Just save yourself the trouble and be honest now. The truth will come out no matter what, and you want it to be on your terms.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm very sorry that this has happened to you and your child but I commend you that you came forth and told your story so that hopefully the OP can see what kind of devastation she is flirting with. I sincerely hope that you and your child find peace and happiness down the road.


----------



## onehotmama

morituri said:


> I'm very sorry that this has happened to you and your child but I commend you that you came forth and told your story so that hopefully the OP can see what kind of devastation she is flirting with. I sincerely hope that you and your child find peace and happiness down the road.


Thank you, I appreciate that. I've learned so much from my situation, and if someone else can learn from my mistake before they make the same one themselves, then it's nice to know that at least maybe i can help someone else. Ultimately, it's up to OP's husband whether he wants to raise a child that's not biologically his. He deserves the chance to make the decision for himself, and not be fooled into it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Subi

Am sorry to say this but some women are really lose. How do you sleep.with a man without protection. What if he had stds. I find it mind boggling. Not once not twice but five or six times. Unbelievable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

onehotmama said:


> Thank you, I appreciate that. I've learned so much from my situation, and if someone else can learn from my mistake before they make the same one themselves, then it's nice to know that at least maybe i can help someone else. Ultimately, it's up to OP's husband whether he wants to raise a child that's not biologically his. He deserves the chance to make the decision for himself, and not be fooled into it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The good news is that there are men out there who would not only love a woman but her child as well, just like they would if that child was biologically his. I've met many men who have done this and are wonderful step-fathers. Some have even gone to the step to adopting them. As you said, love - without lies and deception - makes the father, not his DNA.


----------



## onehotmama

I agree with you, unfortunately my husband was not one of these men. He dropped us like a hot potato. when I found out I was pregnant I was already 4.5 months along. My cycles had been irregular for years so my due date was calculated from an ultrasound instead of my last missed period. The dr told me this was the most accurate way to determine the childs gestational age. So this is where the conception dates came from.. All signs pointed to my now husband. The due date was obviously miscalculated, and i ended up having a c-section when my induced labor wouldn't progress at "42 weeks" now i know it was because I was really only 39 weeks. I would never purposely lie to my husband about something so serious. I was a very devoted, faithful wife and i loved him unconditionally and wouldve done anything to save my marriage and keep my family together. The DNA test results shocked me as much as they did him, even though I realize some people don't believe that. My lesson learned is not to trust an ultrasound to give you a conception date.. Because my child was just measuring big in utero and the consequences for this mistake are catastrophic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko

onehotmama, you also have to look at it from your husband's point of view. For all you know he only saw that you had another man get between your legs, you didn't tell him it was someone else's baby and he found it out on his own.

I still dont think he is a bad man/husband.


----------



## onehotmama

keko said:


> onehotmama, you also have to look at it from your husband's point of view. For all you know he only saw that you had another man get between your legs, you didn't tell him it was someone else's baby and he found it out on his own.
> 
> I still dont think he is a bad man/husband.


I never said he's a bad man or husband.. He's just not the type to love the child regardless of her DNA. In my defense, I didn't know the child was not his until the DNA test. I did not intentionally trick him. And I did not cheat on him either. I'm not looking for advice or criticism, just sharing my story in the hopes of helping someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko

onehotmama said:


> I never said he's a bad man or husband.. He's just not the type to love the child regardless of her DNA. In my defense, I didn't know the child was not his until the DNA test. I did not intentionally trick him. And I did not cheat on him either. I'm not looking for advice or criticism, just sharing my story in the hopes of helping someone else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was referring to you saying he isn't that type of a man/dropped you like a hot potato.


----------



## FallenMan

Onehotmama I think you are saying he is a bad man. It is not his responsibility to raise someone else's child. He did what most self-respecting people would do. Did you tell him you were with someone else during your separation? Did you tell him you let someone else finish inside you? Learning his child was not his would be extremely traumatic. He is not the villain. You aren't a bad person but its wrong to hold it against him for not wanting to stay and raise your child. I know you say it wasn't on purpose but it still has the same end result.


----------



## onehotmama

I did not say he's a bad man and I don't feel that he is a bad man. I had no expectations from him after the DNA test, I'm just simply stating his reaction. You can perceive that however you choose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tacoma

onehotmama said:


> I never said he's a bad man or husband.. He's just not the type to love the child regardless of her DNA. In my defense, I didn't know the child was not his until the DNA test. I did not intentionally trick him. And I did not cheat on him either. I'm not looking for advice or criticism, just sharing my story in the hopes of helping someone else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I appreciate your story Mama.

Let me tell you that if I were your husband with the child at a year of age I most likely would have handled it exactly as he did.

It`s relatively easy to let go of a year and an attachment to a child that you`ve never even been able to speak with.

If I were to discover my 11 year old daughter wasn`t my biological child now after more than a decade of living, loving, laughing, and crying with her it wouldn`t change my love for her an iota.
It might change our dynamic I just don`t know but nothing could keep me from being her father at this point.

My wife and I would be divorcing immediately however as the fact that she wasn`t my daughter could not have been a mistake as your case was but an intentional deception.

She`d be leaving, ironically without her daughter.


----------



## CruxAve

Be a big girl, tell him, and suffer the consequences.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sara8

tacoma said:


> I appreciate your story Mama.
> 
> Let me tell you that if I were your husband with the child at a year of age I most likely would have handled it exactly as he did.
> 
> It`s relatively easy to let go of a year and an attachment to a child that you`ve never even been able to speak with.
> 
> If I were to discover my 11 year old daughter wasn`t my biological child now after more than a decade of living, loving, laughing, and crying with her it wouldn`t change my love for her an iota.
> It might change our dynamic I just don`t know but nothing could keep me from being her father at this point.
> 
> My wife and I would be divorcing immediately however as the fact that she wasn`t my daughter could not have been a mistake as your case was but an intentional deception.
> 
> She`d be leaving, ironically without her daughter.


Good points all around. In an affair it is all the deception and lying in your face that makes the betrayed spouse angry and hurt as much as the fact that their trusted spouse exposed them to STDs and exposed themselves to fathering or conceiving a child that does not belong to the betrayed spouse. 

With all the pitfalls, I will never understand why people lie to, or cheat on a spouse. It's so danged complicated and they always always eventually get caught


----------



## snap

It's easy to say "fatherhood is not about DNA" when it's not you investing next two decades into raising a cuckoo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

onehotmama,

Maybe a PM from you to KateJ may help her to make the right decision. The decision is totally up to you of course.


----------



## Machiavelli

Subi said:


> How do you sleep.with a man without protection. What if he had stds. I find it mind boggling. Not once not twice but five or six times. Unbelievable.


Mind boggling? Hardly.

Semen contains mood elevating chemicals which are absorbed into the bloodstream. Rubbers defeat a goodly portion of the post-coital bliss. Secondly, the intent here, consciously or not, was to become pregnant by the OM and pass the spawn off as the BH's legitimate heir. Rubbers defeat that, too.


----------



## WhoHaveIBecome

I don't want to pile on but he is going to know. I really think it will be obvious soon enough. People are going to notice and say the baby has "mom's features" and he'll put it together. 

And Onehotmama its more than disingenuous to say DNA doesn't matter when it is your child. DNA absolutely does matter. Its shameful you are making the divorce messy after making your husband spend time and money raising another man's child for 9 months. You would think out of at least guilt you would make it easy. You have no right to complain about him moving on. 

I've made my mistakes but I've never been one to hold double standards. Onehotmama acts like the victim when she is the one completely in the wrong. That said KateJ is even worse than her if she lies about the paternity. Tell your husband. Let him have a say in his future. Let your alleged friend have a say in the life of his child.


----------



## bandit.45

I see a trailer park in KateJ's future.


----------



## calif_hope

God Kate you are so very selfish and self-centered only thinking about you, you made a massive mistake now you have to own up to it as an adult. Forget you, your husband, or the other man; the child has the right to know who his/her biological father is. The bio-dad dies not need to be the child's father/dad. It's important because it very could be a life and death issue - you child has the right to know now and later their maternal and paternal medical histories, access to family for possible tissue, blood, organ donations - and so much more.

Look, odd are that the truth will come out, better now than latter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Alyosha

Machiavelli said:


> It's satire; But, oh so true.


Yup. Sometimes helps people to see how unbelievably self-centered they are being.

Then again, sometimes not.

The Sperm Wars recommendation was a good one.

Great explanatory book. I can't recommend it highly enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Numb-badger

Onehotmama hasn't got a clue if she thinks its not about DNA. If this was true, then why wasn't her husbands DNA good enough for her, why did she seek from elsewh0re - sorry elsewhere.

It's true that a man can love a child that's not his - check out the millions of stepdads who love the kids they look after, but to pretend that the dna doesn't matter is clearly an ignorant statement coming from someone who merely 'wishes' it didn't matter.

Well it does.


----------



## Masil78

I know other people have already mentioned this but you put yourself at serious risk for STDs. Please get an STD test. Wait at least 4 months from the time you cheated and get a type specific blood test for herpes. Most people don't wait the proper amount of time and it's usually not included in the standard STD panel. About 15-20% of our population has genital herpes, and most don't know they have it. Also, get a PAP to check for HPV. About 50% or more of our population will get HPV at some point, and there is no test for men. Again, most don't know if they have it or not. You need to wait at least 6 months before you will know if you have HIV or not. Tell your doctor about the affair so he or she can tell you how to proceed with your pregnancy.


----------



## Masil78

bandit.45 said:


> I see a trailer park in KateJ's future.


What Kate did was wrong and she's being incredibly selfish. But this is a support forum. We give our opinions here without sugar coating, but we shouldn't insult people. What you said was just unnecessarily mean.

That's my opinion, others can disagree if they want.


----------



## Numb-badger

@ Masil

I think it was necessarily mean.
Kid gloves doesn't work with this kind of person.
Sometimes we have to be honest, even if that means making others feel bad about themselves or their views or their actions. 
You correctly pointed out that this is a support forum, and 90% of these threads are made up of geuine support for both BS and DS, but you need to remember that we can only support those who want to be helped.
We're not looking for someone who is broken and uses their situation to be carried along in life, we're here for people who have issues and genuinely want to move forward.

KateJ is just about salvaging her own ass and has no regard for her husband or her unborn child. She doesn't want to be 'fixed' she just wants a quick get out of jail free card.

We don't play that here. She is broken and wants to be carried by others.

As far as I'm concerned Genuine support is off the table.


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## Complexity

Not to get on your case Kate but I just realized you slept with the guy 6 times.....hardly a mistake. That's an incredibly callous thing to do and I don't understand how you put "I love my husband" in the same post? Clearly if that was the case, you wouldn't have done it again,again,again,again and again. This is an issue beyond being pregnant with another man's child, do you really think your husband deserves someone who has such little regard for him and was so selfish that they've decided to bring a baby into this word that will always be a reminder for you for the relationship you destroyed. 

Even if you decide to have the baby and your husband agrees to raise it, it will be a constant trigger for him and any semblance of happiness will be wiped out when he realizes where it came from. And if you decide to abort you'll be forever traumatized and resentful towards your husband.


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## lovelygirl

KateJ said:


> Please please do not be harsh when reading this. I love my husband and we have been together since we were 17. We've been married for 4 years now. We've had our ups and downs like any couple but i've never stopped loving him.
> 
> A couple years ago he had and an emotional affair with some woman he worked with. I was a good wife and i took him back but i don't think i ever forgave him. we haven't been super happy for the last two years or so. my husband has been sort of detached and become a work-aholic. i've been lonely and i made a couple mistakes.
> 
> Last december we decided to try to have a baby and I went off the pill. we've been trying to conceive without much luck. In march I went to see meet up with some old friends for a weekend. i made a terrible mistake and i had a few too many drinks and i ended up in bed with one of my friends. we slept together six times that weekend. I came home and I realized how big of a mistake i made and i'm trying to make amends.
> 
> Two weeks ago I found out that I was pregnant. I'm 6 weeks right now which is right around the time I cheated. I'm so scared. I'm pretty sure its not my hubby's. we tried for months without any luck and sure enough the one time i stray I end up pregnant. I don't know what to do. there is a chance it could be my husbands. I slept with him right after i got back from the trip. We really want the baby and he wouldn't understand me getting an abortion. I don't want to confess and I don't want to abort my baby.
> 
> We just bought a house and we both so badly want a child. I don't want my mistake to ruin our lives. I just need some advice and guidance on what to do.


oh well. at least now you're equal. 
He cheated, you cheated. 
You were both conscious [drunk or not doesn't matter] especially you slept with him 6 TIMES!!
I don't see how this marriage can work from now on.


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## Shaggy

Kate, you still out there?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cabin fever

HOLY SHEET THIS THREAD PISSES ME OFF!

You had an affair, and could quite possibly be Knocked up with OM's kid. You are going to ruin so many lives its not funny, all becuase you are a COWARD!

If you love your husband (like you claim you do) then do the right thing, and tell him the truth. He deserves better. No one really gives a flying phuck, what you think you deserve. You caused this whole dam mess, and YOU need to take care of it. 

You made your bed, and now you must lie in it. DO THE RIGHT THING, and clean up the mess you made! Tell your husband, and tell the OM! 

If you think your husband will be hurt now.........What happens in 10 years when your husband finds out its not his? Holy sheet, I would go insane if my wife even thought about doing what you are doing.


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## Almostrecovered

5:35am last sign in time


if she is still reading, I would hope that she would realize that not telling is dooming her husband and herself at least somewhere down the line

we are in an age where in the next 10-20 years our genetic profiles will be studied by doctors to determine what treatment would be best to be preventative for certain diseases and disorders. IOW it will come out no matter what she does. The decision to withhold the information now is for pure selfish reasons and will only serve to hurt the man she proclaims to love.


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## snap

Yes, a huge part of population is in for sick surprise down the line.


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## Kallan Pavithran

She is eventually going to be caught in few months.........

They were trying for baby from December she didn't conceive, then went to her trip came back and had sex with her husband Now she is pregnant. Then she know that its OMs so she is going to suffer some mental delema whether to tell or not, this will be shown in her body language soon (It may have already happened unknowingly) Now her husband is in lovey dovey for having his own kid, later he will add up everything and eventually going to find that she strayed and got knocked up by some one else, Then.................................


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## Shaggy

If she thinks he might leave her over this,imagine what he will do when he finds out that she added to it by deliberately lying to him about it to trick him into paying for and caring for the other mans kid.

I also suspect that after getting away with it once, she will be back looking for another sex weekend with her stud.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri

It may also be a question of pride since she probably has thrown his EA in his face and now she does not relish the idea of being the bad guy who is going to have her PA thrown in her face. Now it is her turn to eat humble pie.


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## KateJ

i've been reading all of the responses. i'm sort of scared to jump back in and say anything since everyone seems to have this awful impression of me. I couldn't tell my husband. I just couldn't. he would never forgive me. I think it might be best for everyone for me to have an abortion. I just need to build up the courage to do it. i'm a good person who made one mistake. try to be understanding. I'm going to talk to my friend and see what his opinion is of this first and if he doesn't want the baby i'll get an abortion. i'm pretty sure he doesn't want any part of the baby so... anyways thanks for pushing me to get the abortion. i think it is the only choice really.


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## keko

Tell your friends wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## working_together

KateJ said:


> i've been reading all of the responses. i'm sort of scared to jump back in and say anything since everyone seems to have this awful impression of me. I couldn't tell my husband. I just couldn't. he would never forgive me. I think it might be best for everyone for me to have an abortion. I just need to build up the courage to do it. i'm a good person who made one mistake. try to be understanding. I'm going to talk to my friend and see what his opinion is of this first and if he doesn't want the baby i'll get an abortion. i'm pretty sure he doesn't want any part of the baby so... anyways thanks for pushing me to get the abortion. i think it is the only choice really.


I think abortion is your only choice, you are in such a difficult position, and I hope you really get a chance to think of what you have done to yourself and your family, this is something that will live with you forever, no matter what you choose. I do think that by having an abortion you avoid a child growing up in a very strange and painful situation that isn't fair for him/her. 

The affair I had still haunts me today a year and a half ago, it ruined my marriage (or what was left of it), and there was no pregnancy invovled. Be sure to seek therapy whatever you decide, we don't realize the devestation this has caused the people around us, and to ourselves as well.


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## deejov

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

It will be very difficult to hide an abortion from your husband. No sex for about 4 weeks, among other things. 

I'm refraining from judgement posting, just practical comments.

- Your friend may tell your husband
- You will have to deal with trying to keep this a secret for the rest of your life, and the odds are NOT in your favor
-If you need to find the courage to have an abortion, you may not be able to go through with it

It's sometimes not "what" we do in life, but how we handle the aftermath. Whether or not we own our actions. Everyone make mistakes. Whether or not it was a mistake is open to opinion. 

What really matters is how you deal with it. I'm not really keen on looking at life as correcting past mistakes, as much as there is opportunity to take it as a twist in the road and find a way to make it work. Nobody gets a do-over in life. Just a chance to learn from the past and apply it to the future. 

Take care of yourself,


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## snap

KateJ said:


> i've been reading all of the responses. i'm sort of scared to jump back in and say anything since everyone seems to have this awful impression of me.


Impressions don't get you pregnant. What you hear here is a fair assessment of your actions. It's not people here awful to you, it's your actions are truly awful.


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## Badblood

Kate, even if you get an abortion, you should still show your husband the respect he deserves and tell him about the affair. If you really love him, that is. But you sound so selfish that you would base your marriage on a lie and continue it until somebody finds out (which they will) and the result will be the same. You CAN recover from this tragedy, but only by being honest and respecting your husband.


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## ArmyofJuan

KateJ said:


> i've been reading all of the responses. i'm sort of scared to jump back in and say anything since everyone seems to have this awful impression of me. I couldn't tell my husband. I just couldn't. he would never forgive me. I think it might be best for everyone for me to have an abortion. I just need to build up the courage to do it. i'm a good person who made one mistake. try to be understanding. I'm going to talk to my friend and see what his opinion is of this first and if he doesn't want the baby i'll get an abortion. i'm pretty sure he doesn't want any part of the baby so... anyways thanks for pushing me to get the abortion. i think it is the only choice really.


He's going to find out one day, it might be years from now but he will. 

FYI you didn't make one mistake, you made 6 choices (were you drunk all six times). You are not marriage material right now.


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## morituri

KateJ said:


> I'm a good person who made one mistake. try to be understanding.


How can you expect us to be understanding when you are still referring to a bad choice as a "mistake"? If you had gotten drunk once and the OM had taken advantage of you blacking out to rape you, then I would agree with you that it was a mistake but you had 6 SIX TIMES during the weekend, that is an average of sexual intercourse 3 TIMES PER DAY. Until you stop calling a "mistake" and calling it for what it really is a "bad choice", you'll still get the harshest of treatment on this forum.



> I'm going to talk to my friend and see what his opinion is of this first and if he doesn't want the baby i'll get an abortion. i'm pretty sure he doesn't want any part of the baby


:wtf: How can you call the OM who helped you to destroy your marriage "my friend"?

Forgive me but you really are in some serious need of psychological therapy. You have a tendency to befriend toxic people who care nothing about you or your marriage. Please seek professional help to resolve you the issues that have caused you to act in such self-destructive ways. If you don't, there's more than a good chance that you will repeat this in the future. Is that what you want?


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## snap

morituri said:


> :wtf: How can you call the OM who helped you to destroy your marriage "my friend"?


Quite. Friends don't f*ck friends, in any sense.


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## Numb-badger

Nah, if she aborts the kid then, once the dust settles, she'll be banging around again - nothing learnt at all.

And she hasn't even considered the idea that he may find out regardless and dump her anyway. 


I love your one mistake you happily repeated 6 times over.

It's not a mistake, Kate. It was a fun and lust fuelled rush that empowered you and made you feel that you had a better deal than your husband.
I think your mistake was in your judgement of the OM, you thought he was going to be something special, but you've probably come to realise that all those promises he made, the special feelings he gave you, were nothing but keywords to unlock your knickers and the OM was just using you for his own ends.
Mission accomplished.

Tell me Kate, if you're not a bad person, why is your husband not entitled to truth.
1. Don't you think he can handle it (disrespect)
2. Do you think it will destroy him (think he's weak)
3. Do you think he'll leave you (selfish and manipulative)

I'll put a fiver on answer three please.

Kate, you and you alone are responsible for this situation - you need harsh words to get you to listen. 
Do I think you're evil? No
Do I think you're a selfish and self serving coward who is more interested in protecting herself than anyone else? Yes.

I assure you, one day he WILL come to find out. Whether it's a month, year or decade, you will be held to account. 
Do youself a favour, stop believing your husband to be a pitiful little man with no backbone and let him know the truth. Then he can decide what to do with his life.


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## Trickster

A whilre back here in TAM a teenager, I think her was 18, just found ouy that his dad wasn't his biological dad. His Mom cheated 18 years ago and her husband never knew. The child... Well adult now was a nervous wreck. 

I want to follow up on that. There is a chance you can keep this a secret for a very long time. Eventually the truth will come out and two families will be destroyed.


No matter what you do people and families will be hurt. It only a matter of when.


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## Sennik

KateJ said:


> i've been reading all of the responses. i'm sort of scared to jump back in and say anything since everyone seems to have this awful impression of me. I couldn't tell my husband. I just couldn't. he would never forgive me. I think it might be best for everyone for me to have an abortion. I just need to build up the courage to do it. i'm a good person who made one mistake. try to be understanding. I'm going to talk to my friend and see what his opinion is of this first and if he doesn't want the baby i'll get an abortion. i'm pretty sure he doesn't want any part of the baby so... anyways thanks for pushing me to get the abortion. i think it is the only choice really.


Kate,
This is *not* a judgement call against you , but I encourage you not to do this. 

My best friend was in a virtually identical situation about 10 years ago. His wife got pregnant and she was not sure who the father was. She hid this successfully from him for oh, about six months. When he found out he was beyond devastated, especially since the child could have been his. Today she is now in a mental hospital and he is still having issues dealing with the loss.

Needless to say, they are no longer married.

If you want your marriage to endure, don't build it on a foundation of lies and deceit. I mean, if you are able to pull off hiding this, what else might you be tempted to try and keep from him in the future? A marriage like that isn't much of a marriage at all.


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## Kallan Pavithran

KateJ said:


> i've been reading all of the responses. i'm sort of scared to jump back in and say anything since everyone seems to have this awful impression of me. I couldn't tell my husband. I just couldn't. he would never forgive me. I think it might be best for everyone for me to have an abortion. I just need to build up the courage to do it. i'm a good person who made one mistake. try to be understanding. I'm going to talk to my friend and see what his opinion is of this first and if he doesn't want the baby i'll get an abortion. i'm pretty sure he doesn't want any part of the baby so... anyways thanks for pushing me to get the abortion. i think it is the only choice really.



If he want to keep the baby, then will you divorce your husband? or will you keep the baby and make your husband to raise it?


No one here pushed you for an abortion......... Abortion or not its your choice.


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## SprucHub

KateJ said:


> i've been reading all of the responses. i'm sort of scared to jump back in and say anything since everyone seems to have this awful impression of me. I couldn't tell my husband. I just couldn't. he would never forgive me. I think it might be best for everyone for me to have an abortion. I just need to build up the courage to do it. i'm a good person who made one mistake. try to be understanding. I'm going to talk to my friend and see what his opinion is of this first and if he doesn't want the baby i'll get an abortion. i'm pretty sure he doesn't want any part of the baby so... anyways thanks for pushing me to get the abortion. i think it is the only choice really.


Kate - please, please realize that it is not "him" you cannot hurt. Doing something really bad and not telling someone is protecting yourself. You do not want to be a bad person in his eyes. You care more about how you appear and less about what is right. Being a "good person" does not mean not doing bad things, it means owning up to the consequences. You are protecting your life, not his. 

If he would leave you if he found out, and I am sure he would leave, you are robbing him of his individual dignity and freedom by not telling him. That is so much worse than the act itself, so much worse!


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## SprucHub

onehotmama said:


> I agree with you, unfortunately my husband was not one of these men. He dropped us like a hot potato. when I found out I was pregnant I was already 4.5 months along. My cycles had been irregular for years so my due date was calculated from an ultrasound instead of my last missed period. The dr told me this was the most accurate way to determine the childs gestational age. So this is where the conception dates came from.. All signs pointed to my now husband. The due date was obviously miscalculated, and i ended up having a c-section when my induced labor wouldn't progress at "42 weeks" now i know it was because I was really only 39 weeks. I would never purposely lie to my husband about something so serious. I was a very devoted, faithful wife and i loved him unconditionally and wouldve done anything to save my marriage and keep my family together. The DNA test results shocked me as much as they did him, even though I realize some people don't believe that. My lesson learned is not to trust an ultrasound to give you a conception date.. Because my child was just measuring big in utero and the consequences for this mistake are catastrophic.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OHM - your story makes me conflicted, you say one true thing, he deserves the chance to make the decision, everything else about your story stinks. You were a devoted wife - for 4.5 months, while pregnant, wow! You did not mean to deceive him - yet in 9 months he figured it out on his own, but you had no clue? 

I only care because as somone else stated, tricking a man into raising a child that he though he fathered is the lowest, most disrespectful thing you can do, and your response plays the victim card too strongly. He dropped you like a hot potato not because the child was not his - because he was lied into believing it was his. Many men, including your husband I am sure, could raise a child that was not theirs. Not many men could stomache the type of deceit you describe. 

You are not the victim - your baby and your husband are. Your baby deserves a father who willingly goes into the process, not a duped good-guy. Your husband deserves a child (biological or not) that he is not tricked into being with. You are the culprit - maybe not as culpable as KateJ, but in no means an innocent party. 

Like I said, I am conflicted, you seem to acknowledge your culpability, but not completely own it. Otherwise, your sentence would read "he [rightfully] dropped [me] like a hot potato." 

No way he can figure out the baby was not his with you having no suspicion.


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## bandit.45

So kate, how will you pay for the abortion without your husband finding out? Will your "friend" pay for the baby he fathered? And what if the baby is your husbands? If you do this will the guilt cause you to act out against him in the future?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wanting1

Kate

I wanted to share an experience with you that I had as a child to demonstrate how your secret could be discovered years from now. 

When I was around 12, we had been studying the ABO blood group and genetics in a science class. You can look up the details of this easily. It's very straight forward and not complicated at all. We all did fingerpricks in class, figured out our blood types, and then learned about how to predict (make a reasonable approximation) a child's blood type based on the parents and vice versa. I'm trying not to be too complicated here, and I don't want to give you a science lesson if you already know about this stuff. 

Anyway, it's Thanksgiving Day, everyone from both sides of the family are there, and I have set myself at the table and was demonstrating my newfound knowledge to anyone who was interested. I was like a gypsy fortune teller...but with science! 

Everyone was really impressed with how I was able to make a reasonable guess to their blood types. (Most of them knew already). I could even work it in reverse to tell them what their parents blood types were. 

So, my youngest Uncle sits down and I proceed to plug in his info to my little chart. It didn't add up. I worked it again. It didn't add up. My grandmother had a very rare blood type (AB-). She was often called in to give blood to the red cross because of this. It was something she was very proud and there is no doubt to her blood type. My grandfather's blood type was O-. He still had his military dog tag with his blood type on it, and was a veteran of many medical procedures and knew his blood type. My uncle's blood type was AB+. He was an epileptic and had been in and out of the hospital his whole life. But just to be sure. I verified. I asked my grandmother, grandfather, and uncle if they were absolutely sure of their blood types. Everyone agreed that they were. And then, being the very naive 12 year old that I was, I dropped the bomb. 

"There is no way that Papa is your father."

.......in front of everyone........ on Thanksgiving Day. This uncle was a late in life child for my grandparents and was actually only a few years older than me. I was immediately sent away and then told never to speak of it again. 

If I had been older, I probably would have kept it to myself, but I was 12 and didn't have a lot of impulse control. I do regret outing them because that was either the day that my grandfather learned that his youngest child was not his or it was the day that his humiliation was complete when I outed it to the entire extended family. 

My point is, if you have the child and hide the paternity, even if the sperm donor is similar in appearance, it doesn't mean that you won't be discovered. And you will always be waiting for that shoe to drop, especially with DNA science expanding so rapidly. It's not outside the realm of possibility that this child could get his DNA profiled as a science project in school, much like I did with blood types.

I wish I could say that my uncle's story ended happily. But let me say that, while almost all of my relatives live within a 50-mile radius of each other. He lives on the other side of the country and rarely has contact with us now that my grandmother is gone.


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## HisMrs83

KateJ said:


> my friend is married also and he has two kids. i don't think he would want to know. I know my husband and he wouldn't stay if he knew it wasn't his. i don't want to lose him. i would spend the rest of my life making it up to him. i don't think he necessarily has to know. my husband trusts me and he wouldn't have any doubts. i messed up but I don't want to ruin my baby's life over this. he/she deserves to have a dad who loves them. my husband would. If he knew it wasn't his it wouldn't be the same. there is also a small chance it is my husbands...


Sorry, but you don't want our honest advice. You want us to tell you that it was a mistake and that you should keep quiet. I can't and won't! You're being VERY selfish to all of those involved! Woman up and tell the truth!


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## Subi

KateJ said:


> i've been reading all of the responses. i'm sort of scared to jump back in and say anything since everyone seems to have this awful impression of me. I couldn't tell my husband. I just couldn't. he would never forgive me. I think it might be best for everyone for me to have an abortion. I just need to build up the courage to do it. i'm a good person who made one mistake. try to be understanding. I'm going to talk to my friend and see what his opinion is of this first and if he doesn't want the baby i'll get an abortion. i'm pretty sure he doesn't want any part of the baby so... anyways thanks for pushing me to get the abortion. i think it is the only choice really.


God, Kate you keep getting worse by the day. First it was the infidelity then the lies and now you are going to murder an innocent being. I dont know which part of, 'I am a good person' you really are. Am not one to go hard on women but you really are some piece of work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

KateJ said:


> i've been reading all of the responses. i'm sort of scared to jump back in and say anything since everyone seems to have this awful impression of me. I couldn't tell my husband. I just couldn't. he would never forgive me. I think it might be best for everyone for me to have an abortion. I just need to build up the courage to do it. i'm a good person who made one mistake. try to be understanding. I'm going to talk to my friend and see what his opinion is of this first and if he doesn't want the baby i'll get an abortion. i'm pretty sure he doesn't want any part of the baby so... anyways thanks for pushing me to get the abortion. i think it is the only choice really.


WTF! You are still friends with him! 

That shows just how little you really do think of your husband. 

I was on the fence but now I say your husband deserves a divorce to be free of you. Not only did you return to the guys bed 6 times that weekend, but your are still viewing him as your friend.

My god how little love and respect you must have fir your husband. If you actually felt any remorse at all for your sex weekend you would be hating the OM for being part of you trashing your marriage.

But your actions speak louder than words. Instead of being honest with your husband, you are lying to him, but coming clean with your lmarried cheating lover. Seriously!

Your husband really dies deserve better then this, and better than you are treating him. You may have started with resentment and a horrible choice while drinking, but you went back 5 more times, came home lied, gave him sloppy seconds, and another mans baby. Now you are choosing to continue lying to him, while keeping your lover around as your confidant and buddy. Wow. And now you are going to further the conspiracy and lies by adding the OM to your knowledge that he knocked you up.

Seriously this OM is a cheating piece of trash too. He was in bed with you 6 times that weekend cheating on his wife. So you know what kind of human scum he is. This is the guy you are going to turn to for guidance.? Really?

Tell hs wife what you two did. Tell your husband what you two did, This is the only moral good choice you have left here.

Or plan B. Hey, maybe you can ask your lover to come over an be your husbands buddy, that way the OM and you can slip off without drawing suspicion. Just remember how extra humiliated your husband will be when he learns his new buddy is the lover who kept you coming back 5 times for more over the weekend. Maybe he can tell your husband some tips on being the lover you want.

Yeah I'm coming down on you. You are consistently being a coward and hateful to your husband. Stop chosing to be that way and you will get support. Continue to be a lying, manipulative cheater who turns to the OM for help and support and friendship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb-badger

Let's be honest Kate and cut to the chase.

What is your concern is not your husband or the baby, you clearly couldn't give two ****s about the two of them, live or dead. You're issue is that you have a problem.
You have a baby to someone who may or may not be your husband.
If you tell your husband - you may lose your husband.
You put it to your lover - he may freak and you lose your lover.

I didn't see it before, but I get it now. You want to keep the fantasy going, but this baby 'problem' has inconvinienced you.

Sharpen up Kate - you're 'friend' will drop you at the first sign of his marriage going downhill - of which placing a baby into his arms would qualify as a disturbance to his marriage. You're so deep in the forbidden fog that you really can't see where this is going.
You are prepared to terminate a healthy fetus (I'm not religious, but strongly disagree with abortion as contraception) to keep your 'friend' on the books and your husband at home.

Jeez, that man of yours - the one you married - really can do better.
And your 'friend' did do better, that's why he keeps going back home to her, using you as a little toy as it suits. Believe me, you'll see the real him when his marriage is under threat.

And you will be alone. Holding the baby - literally.
Unless you kill it.


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## onehotmama

Honestly it's almost laughable that you people are getting so worked up about someone else's problems. So much animosity here. I shared my story to hopefully convince OP to tell her husband the truth. Again, I did not ask for criticism, judgement, or advice. If I wanted opinions on my situation I would have started my own thread. I'm on the same page as everyone else here, but some people feel the need to bash me too i guess? I say that fatherhood does not require DNA, because it doesnt. I agree that its a very important aspect, and no spouse should be lied to but I make this statement based on the fact that my husband has 2 step parents, I have lots of friends that are dating/marrying people with children from previous relationships, and I know some same sex couples that have multiple children. My point is that a family requires love, first and foremost. There are lots of people out there that will love a child unconditionally even if they are not biologically related. I'm not here to insult anyone, pass judgements, or make anyone feel discouraged. I'm simply trying to guide someone to do the right thing. I'm not playing a victim, I'm sharing the negative consequences of my situation in order to possibly keep KateJ from lying any more than she already has. and who's to say that I'm the one that's making my divorce messy?? If i was here to make my husband seem like a bad person, trust me, I would just say it. I dont feel that way, and words are being put in my mouth. I love my husband very much and I have a lot of empathy for him. I wish my situation did not turn out the way it did for him, for my child, or for myself. Don't speak on matters that you have no knowledge about. This forum is here to help people with their marriages and support people who need it. Not to bash them relentlessly. OP is not a terrible person, she made a huge mistake and she needs to fix it. Who knows, he might stay with her regardless of the situation? 
KateJ-Just do the right thing. I'm sorry that by asking for help you have been thrown to the wolves. I hope you can find the courage to tell the truth, because I can assure you that if you don't it will come out in time. And when it does, it will be much harder to deal with then it is now. Have a little faith in your husband, you can't be sure of his reaction until you tell him. And if he leaves you, I'm sorry, but that's what happens most of the time when you cheat on your husband..Don't feel like anyone is forcing you to get an abortion either. Just tell the truth, and take it from there. You and your baby will be JUST FINE.


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## Badblood

OHM, I don't think that most posters are trying to "bash", the OP. We are trying to remind her of her responsibilites as a wife and mother and point out the possible consequences of her continued deceit. As to your own situation, IMO, if there was any doubt at all , in your mind, as to the parentage of your child, you should have made this know to your husband, even if you felt, at the time, that it was a sure thing. I think it would be obvious that if you had unprotected sex with more than one person, within a month or so of your estimated time of conceiving, the the possibility of it being the OM's child, would (if you truly love and respect your husband) compel you to put his interests before your own, and give him a heads-up. Maybe he would have reacted differently if you had done so.


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## bandit.45

Once again an innocent child will pay for her amoral mother's bad choices. 

Boggles the mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## onehotmama

Badblood said:


> OHM, I don't think that most posters are trying to "bash", the OP. We are trying to remind her of her responsibilites as a wife and mother and point out the possible consequences of her continued deceit. As to your own situation, IMO, if there was any doubt at all , in your mind, as to the parentage of your child, you should have made this know to your husband, even if you felt, at the time, that it was a sure thing. I think it would be obvious that if you had unprotected sex with more than one person, within a month or so of your estimated time of conceiving, the the possibility of it being the OM's child, would (if you truly love and respect your husband) compel you to put his interests before your own, and give him a heads-up. Maybe he would have reacted differently if you had done so.


I have already stated that I wished I had told my H about the other relationship, even though I did not have any doubts. I'm extremely remorseful for not telling the whole truth even though I believed it to be irrelevant at the time. It would have saved my family from a lot of anguish. However, hindsight is 20/20 and there's nothing I can do now except be the best mother I can be and learn from my mistakes. My situation is a huge source of heartache in my life right now. I feel terribly that my husband bonded with our daughter and now feels obligated to leave her. I never tried to stick my husband with another man's kid, that's just unfortunately the way it played out. What happened to my marriage is a terrible thing, and I wanted to share the repercussions I have experienced to deter OP from trying to keep this a secret. I do not condone lying or cheating. I don't know OP personally, but I can relate to the internal struggle she is dealing with and I refuse to stoop to name calling and telling her she'll end up in a trailer park. What she did was horrible, but it doesn't have to define her and it's not the end of the world. I truly hope she can be honest, for the sake of everyone involved. And I'm sure she can make a nice life for herself and the child, even if she has to go it alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity

I love how 10 pages of tell your husband the truth= you pushed me to get an abortion in her mind


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## morituri

SprucHub said:


> OHM - your story makes me conflicted, you say one true thing, he deserves the chance to make the decision, everything else about your story stinks. You were a devoted wife - for 4.5 months, while pregnant, wow! You did not mean to deceive him - yet in 9 months he figured it out on his own, but you had no clue?
> 
> I only care because as somone else stated, tricking a man into raising a child that he though he fathered is the lowest, most disrespectful thing you can do, and your response plays the victim card too strongly. He dropped you like a hot potato not because the child was not his - because he was lied into believing it was his. Many men, including your husband I am sure, could raise a child that was not theirs. Not many men could stomache the type of deceit you describe.
> 
> You are not the victim - your baby and your husband are. Your baby deserves a father who willingly goes into the process, not a duped good-guy. Your husband deserves a child (biological or not) that he is not tricked into being with. You are the culprit - maybe not as culpable as KateJ, but in no means an innocent party.
> 
> Like I said, I am conflicted, you seem to acknowledge your culpability, but not completely own it. Otherwise, your sentence would read "he [rightfully] dropped [me] like a hot potato."
> 
> No way he can figure out the baby was not his with you having no suspicion.



If you read back, you'll notice that she got pregnant before she got married and she and her boyfriend (future husband) were separated. Granted that her irregular menstrual cycles may have lead her to believe that she was indeed pregnant with her boyfriend (future husband's) child. What she doesn't make clear is whether she informed her boyfriend (future husband) that she had unprotected sex with another man during their separation. From the looks of it, it seems that she didn't otherwise he would have had some doubts as to the paternity of the child. But unlike KateJ, she didn't get pregnant after she got married and contemplated deceiving her husband into believing that the child is his. So equating her situation with KateJ is simply not right.


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## onehotmama

Just to be clear.. I'm not looking for positive affirmation for my own life. I'm a good woman and mother and nobody will convince me otherwise. I don't need anyone to take my side, and my story is open to interpretation I suppose. There's only so much you can tell about someone from what they write on the Internet, and I realize my situation doesn't necessarily shed much light on the kind of person I really am. You are all entitled to your opinions. I'm just saying, I put myself out there in hopes of keeping someone else from repeating my mistake and having to deal with the hardships to come if she continues to lie. It's not easy for me to be so frank about what has happened to my marriage, it's actually somewhat embarrassing, but I have the best intentions in doing so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH

So she's still just looking out for herself only. Nice, she's gonna cheat on him again. No remorse at all, it's still only about her, so sad for the husband.

And now she's gonna do away with the baby to save her own @ss.


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## Badblood

OHM, I agree with you about those posters who make those worthless, snarky, smartassed comments, but this is a public forum, and you're always going to have idiots who talk before they think. I hope that Kate understands that they are not the majority of posters. Most posters are truly trying to help.


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## Badblood

cheatinghubby said:


> So she's still just looking out for herself only. Nice, she's gonna cheat on him again. No remorse at all, it's still only about her, so sad for the husband.
> 
> And now she's gonna do away with the baby to save her own @ss.


We, Kate, and everybody else, already know the situation, don't we? Do you have any useful suggestions on HOW she should tell him?


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## onehotmama

Badblood that's my point.. I'm just trying to help. This is the fate of someones marriage we are dealing with. Not to mention the life of the child. I don't want to say anything to convince her to abort the child. Regardless of the circumstances, every baby is a precious gift and the child is not doomed to have a bad life by any means.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

Tell your husband and the OMW

You can always give the kid up for adoption,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Badblood

Kate, if you are still lurking, I would suggest that you try "Marriage Builders". The Harley's have helped a great many marriages , even those that involved children fathered by the AP, and they have a remarkable record of success.


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## MrsKy

Does anyone else really hope that Kate is a troll?


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## onehotmama

Or instead of giving the baby up for adoption..tell the truth, face the consequences.. And bust a$$ to create the best life possible for that baby. It's not the end of the world.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HisMrs83

@MrsKY... No. I hope she's someone that is a real person in a real situation looking for real advice. I also hope she takes some of the constructive criticism and make the best choice for her family.


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## golfergirl

Kate, you've wanted a baby for a long time. Could you really abort him/her? 
Isn't there some way you could go to counseling with your husband and confess all with a firm commitment to figure out through therapy why you cheated? I'm scared you lose it all here, your honor, dignity, baby and husband. Isn't there some part of you that would like a true marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## river rat

Kate, I have to say that I feel so sorry for you, your husband, and your baby. I will now speak to you as if you were my daughter. You really messed up, girl. No matter what you do from here there will be emotional fallout for the rest of your life. No easy way out. The previous posters have given you a pretty good summation of the various scenarios. You could get a CVS (not the drug store) at 11-12 wks to determine paternity, if you can find a doctor who would do it for that indication. In any event, your life will go on. You will have to take responsibility for having created this mess, but you can learn from it and you can be a better person for the experience. I wish you a good life. And I also pray for you and the others you have involved in this tragedy.


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## onehotmama

I think she's a real person in a very difficult position. This situation is actually not all that uncommon, unfortunately. She needs to be honest, but making her feel like her situation is hopeless no matter what is not going to convince her to do the right thing. She needs to know that she can tell the truth, keep the baby, and everything can and will be okay eventually. As long as she doesn't repeat her behavior..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma

golfergirl said:


> Kate, you've wanted a baby for a long time. Could you really abort him/her?
> Isn't there some way you could go to counseling with your husband and confess all with a firm commitment to figure out through therapy why you cheated? I'm scared you lose it all here, your honor, dignity, baby and husband. Isn't there some part of you that would like a true marriage?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand the desire to have this work out but I`m telling you there are very VERY VERY few men in this world who would have any other reaction than an immediate loss of all love and empathy for his wife.

There are even fewer men who would even consider raising a child he knows was conceived by another man while his wife was cheating on her.

I`ve read threads where it happened but it`s just so unlikely as to not even be a consideration.

She has the baby and he finds out she`s done, divorced and gone.
She has the baby but tells her husband she`s done, divorced and gone.
Considering they have been trying in vain to conceive if she tells him and she plans to abort, he`s most likely to divorce and be gone. 
I suppose she could abort and come clean about the affair but never tell her husband about the pregnancy but she`s unlikely to do that.

The ONLY way she has a fair chance of keeping her marriage is to abort and never tell her husband (I`m not advocating this, just telling it like it is) and keeping her husband seems to be her most important goal.

Either way complete honesty is likely to find her being served divorce papers

Horribly ****ty situation to have put herself in.


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## tacoma

onehotmama said:


> This situation is actually not all that uncommon, unfortunately.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No it`s not, I read a stat somewhere that 6-10% of all children raised by their "father" aren`t their "fathers" offspring.

Just reading that stat made me start Googling home DNA tests.


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## Numb-badger

Home dna test was how my mate found out!

He still brings up the kid as his own, but he's divorced from her and she receives no payments for the child, my friend buy the kid what he needs himself


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## Badblood

tacoma said:


> I understand the desire to have this work out but I`m telling you there are very VERY VERY few men in this world who would have any other reaction than an immediate loss of all love and empathy for his wife.
> 
> There are even fewer men who would even consider raising a child he knows was conceived by another man while his wife was cheating on her.
> 
> I`ve read threads where it happened but it`s just so unlikely as to not even be a consideration.
> 
> She has the baby and he finds out she`s done, divorced and gone.
> She has the baby but tells her husband she`s done, divorced and gone.
> Considering they have been trying in vain to conceive if she tells him and she plans to abort, he`s most likely to divorce and be gone.
> I suppose she could abort and come clean about the affair but never tell her husband about the pregnancy but she`s unlikely to do that.
> 
> The ONLY way she has a fair chance of keeping her marriage is to abort and never tell her husband (I`m not advocating this, just telling it like it is) and keeping her husband seems to be her most important goal.
> 
> Either way complete honesty is likely to find her being served divorce papers
> 
> Horribly ****ty situation to have put herself in.


Bull****!! You are projecting. I hve never seen or heard of a marriage built on lies and continued deceit, that were successful and fulfilling. Kate, you CAN tell the truth and save your marriage. Go to Marriage Builders and view the site and learn their methodology. If you follow their program, and can get your husband on board, you have a very high chance of reconciliation and an even better marriage. It's up to you. Good Luck!!


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## jinba

I have to agree that you're being selfish - you're only trying to protect yourself from the fall out of your actions. YOU chose to be with the OM - your H had no input - buck up and be honest with him. OM needs to be told that you're pregnant as well. If the child is his, he too will have some responsibility. 

If you forgave your H's A - he should be able to forgive yours - or at least postpone judgement until the baby arrives and you can have DNA testing done - if it is your H's child, he may feel differently than you might think. He doesn't sound like the type of guy that would bail on his own child. 

On the flip side, if it isn't his he needs to know - he may not be willing to raise another man's child - which I'm sure you're afraid of -but HE has the right to make that decision for himself. You've already cheated on him - don't keep cheating him out of the ability to make informed decisions for himself.

How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot???


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## crossbar

So, now you'll get an abortion and tell your husband what? That you miscarried?


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## TBT

onehotmama said:


> I think she's a real person in a very difficult position. This situation is actually not all that uncommon, unfortunately. She needs to be honest, but making her feel like her situation is hopeless no matter what is not going to convince her to do the right thing. She needs to know that she can tell the truth, keep the baby, and everything can and will be okay eventually. As long as she doesn't repeat her behavior..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

And who's to say her husband,having learned from his own indiscretion,wouldn't be capable of trying to understand and want to look for a positive outcome to the situation.She'll never know unless she's forthcoming.


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## morituri

tacoma said:


> No it`s not, I read a stat somewhere that 6-10% of all children raised by their "father" aren`t their "fathers" offspring.
> 
> Just reading that stat made me start Googling home DNA tests.


I have serious doubt about the percentage of this statistic considering how easy it has been to fool men into believing that a child who is a product of a extra-marital sex, is his. Even the wives who chose to hide the affair from their husbands, often fool themselves into believing that their children are their husbands.


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## jinba

Such a gray area - stats or no stats. I say, "when in doubt, find out" - honesty is always the best policy.


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## tacoma

Badblood said:


> Bull****!! You are projecting.


Not at all, have you read the replies from the men on this board alone?

The overwhelming majority of western men would never knowingly raise another mans child conceived in their wife's affair.
No way.
The OP also has an additional strike against her in the fact that she and her husband have been trying with no success to conceive.
That`s likely to really send him over the edge.



> I hve never seen or heard of a marriage built on lies and continued deceit, that were successful and fulfilling.


I believe the vast majority of marriages have some basis of deciet within them, at least that`s how I feel when I look around me.
I wouldn`t presume to judge how successful or fulfilling they are for those involved.



> Kate, you CAN tell the truth and save your marriage. Go to Marriage Builders and view the site and learn their methodology. If you follow their program, and can get your husband on board, you have a very high chance of reconciliation and an even better marriage. It's up to you. Good Luck!!


Now there`s some bull****.


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## tacoma

morituri said:


> I have serious doubt about the percentage of this statistic considering how easy it has been to fool men into believing that a child who is a product of a extra-marital sex, is his. Even the wives who chose to hide the affair from their husbands, often fool themselves into believing that their children are their husbands.


Are you implying that you believe the number is even higher?

I won`t argue.


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## crossbar

Easiest DNA testing in the world is waiting till the kid is born and seeing what the blood type is. If the kid's blood type isn't compatable...HELLO!!!!!


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## tacoma

crossbar said:


> Easiest DNA testing in the world is waiting till the kid is born and seeing what the blood type is. If the kid's blood type isn't compatable...HELLO!!!!!


Not really, the blood type could be compatible and the kid still isn`t his.


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## jinba

You're right - blood type isn't going to tell you anything useful. Both of our kids share my blood type - not my husbands. Paternity testing is the only fullproof method that I'm aware of. I don't know anything about the in home DNA kits, but wouldn't trust them given the magnitude of this issue. I'd want to be absolutely certain - beyond a shadow of a doubt. Anyone know if there's a way to test the fetus now - through fluids or something?


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## Jellybeans

Great advice in this thread.

This is one of the worst betrayals ever. Especially since OP doesn't seem to have anny empathy for her husband: it's all about her, her choice. Completely leaving husband out in the dark and not letting him decide on his own what he wants to do. 

The fact she's considering passing off this child as his own when it very well could NOT be is the worst part of all of this. To think he would never know or something. Awful. There are no words. 

Also, OP said it was a weekend away with 'old friends.' I'm assuming the "some old friends" noticed they were getting it on 6 different times. Someone else has to know. And what if it gets back to husband that way? Also, where is the OM's wife in all this? OP, have you even taken into account that you helped betray not only your marriage, but someone else's and their family? 

Yeowch. I don't envy your position but I will tell you this: the truth has a pretty awful way of coming up at the worst possible times. If the child is the OM's and you let your husband raise it thinking it's his, can you IMAGINE how you would feel if you were him and found out the truth? 

Worst. Betrayal. Ever.


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## Numb-badger

Here in UK a home test result was used to order an 'official' test from the court - that's how my friend found out.


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## HisMrs83

Jellybeans said:


> the truth has a pretty awful way of coming up at the worst possible times.
> 
> Worst. Betrayal. Ever.


So VERY true!


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## Wanting1

jinba said:


> You're right - blood type isn't going to tell you anything useful. Both of our kids share my blood type - not my husbands. Paternity testing is the only fullproof method that I'm aware of. I don't know anything about the in home DNA kits, but wouldn't trust them given the magnitude of this issue. I'd want to be absolutely certain - beyond a shadow of a doubt. Anyone know if there's a way to test the fetus now - through fluids or something?


Well, blood type could be useful. It can definitely exclude someone, if both men have different blood types. And if I know your blood type and your childrens blood type, I could figure out your husband's. Your husband did make a contribution to their blood type. It just might not be dominant. It would only be completely useless if both men have the same blood type (which is possible). DNA is definitely a better resource for determining paternity.


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## SprucHub

morituri said:


> If you read back, you'll notice that she got pregnant before she got married and she and her boyfriend (future husband) were separated. Granted that her irregular menstrual cycles may have lead her to believe that she was indeed pregnant with her boyfriend (future husband's) child. What she doesn't make clear is whether she informed her boyfriend (future husband) that she had unprotected sex with another man during their separation. From the looks of it, it seems that she didn't otherwise he would have had some doubts as to the paternity of the child. But unlike KateJ, she didn't get pregnant after she got married and contemplated deceiving her husband into believing that the child is his. So equating her situation with KateJ is simply not right.


I am a pretty good reader, thanks (sorry Mori - I know your a good guy, just can't let it slide because I am petty today). She has since confirmed she did not tell her husband, which was apparent from her story. I am not trying to bash her, just trying to clarify that her story doesn't add up. I understand she is trying to help, and likely is helping. But she is also adding that extra bit of delusional "well, my facts aren't so bad" and, even worse "other men raise non-biological children". Her situation is nothing like an adoption or step-parent situation. And, I hear this non-bio children line as her playing the victim card for her and her baby. This type of retrospective rationalization gives license for others, like the OP to reflect on how her "mistake" can be viewed in another - less harsh light.

OHM had unprotected sex in the same month her child was conceived and did not tell her bf. She thought it was the bf's. Ok, I can buy that, but not having the conversation at this point is irresponsible. *After the baby was born her H had a secret paternity test. How could it be that the H suspected something was up but OHM had no idea? Impossible!*

He married her - in her version - because she was pregnant with his child. I cannot believe they are going through a messy divorce and not an annulment.


I am not saying OHM is a bad person or a bad mother or anything like that, just that she is deluded in thinking that other men would have reacted differently. Maybe 6 men on the planet would react differently, and not because they are good or nice (it is one thing to learn years later, after the water is under the bridge, or to hear from the horse's mouth, a true act of contrition - but to have the sneaking suspicion for months, get the tests/results in secret and have to confront - it would take a weak person to remain in that situation). Yes, he bonded with the baby and she with him, but she is likely such a source of terror for him that being around her would drive him mad. It is very different willingly accepting the immense love and responsibility of being a father, biologically or not, and being duped into it. He'll likely keep tabs on her for the rest of his life and endure the brutal pain OHM caused.


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## snap

onehotmama said:


> I say that fatherhood does not require DNA, because it doesnt. I agree that its a very important aspect, and no spouse should be lied to but I make this statement based on the fact that my husband has 2 step parents, I have lots of friends that are dating/marrying people with children from previous relationships, and I know some same sex couples that have multiple children.


Oh please. Would you equate donating money to getting mugged? The amount could be the same, but there IS a difference.


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## crossbar

tacoma said:


> Not really, the blood type could be compatible and the kid still isn`t his.


Yeah, but if it isn't...then there's no way he could be the father. Like I said, it isn't the desired method, just an easy way.


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## WhereAmI

Now you're going to talk to the OM about the baby before even telling your H? It really is all about you, isn't it? You don't care about your husband or your child, only about escaping the consequences of your choices. This is only going to damage you further until you're completely lacking in any good qualities... You must still have one or two, right? 


BTW, skankin' around repeatedly isn't a mistake. Stop pretending you're different than any other cheater. You all think the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anonymous1111

I think a lot of you are judging. This girl is in a mess as it is, she doesn't need you guys making it worse. Tell your husband the truth. Don't continue to make bad choices. If he chooses to stay with you seek couples counseling, if he leaves, its possible to raise the baby on your own. Just stop with the lying and deceit already. Find the courage to tell him the truth.


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## Shaggy

Anonymous1111 said:


> I think a lot of you are judging. This girl is in a mess as it is, she doesn't need you guys making it worse. Tell your husband the truth. Don't continue to make bad choices. If he chooses to stay with you seek couples counseling, if he leaves, its possible to raise the baby on your own. Just stop with the lying and deceit already. Find the courage to tell him the truth.


Yes we are judging her actions. She asked for advice, that very much includes evaluating her prior choices and future options. Frankiy, she hasn't made one good choice in a longtime. Her only good option is to dump her boyfriend out of her life and come clean to her husband.

This isn't a forum for building support through lying by tellong her she's got it down, or support by denying what she has chosen that led her to this point. Sh e as been given honest good advice by folks here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigLiam

KateJ said:


> Please please do not be harsh when reading this. I love my husband and we have been together since we were 17. We've been married for 4 years now. We've had our ups and downs like any couple but i've never stopped loving him.
> 
> A couple years ago he had and an emotional affair with some woman he worked with. I was a good wife and i took him back but i don't think i ever forgave him. we haven't been super happy for the last two years or so. my husband has been sort of detached and become a work-aholic. i've been lonely and i made a couple mistakes.
> 
> Last december we decided to try to have a baby and I went off the pill. we've been trying to conceive without much luck. In march I went to see meet up with some old friends for a weekend. i made a terrible mistake and i had a few too many drinks and i ended up in bed with one of my friends. we slept together six times that weekend. I came home and I realized how big of a mistake i made and i'm trying to make amends.
> 
> Two weeks ago I found out that I was pregnant. I'm 6 weeks right now which is right around the time I cheated. I'm so scared. I'm pretty sure its not my hubby's. we tried for months without any luck and sure enough the one time i stray I end up pregnant. I don't know what to do. there is a chance it could be my husbands. I slept with him right after i got back from the trip. We really want the baby and he wouldn't understand me getting an abortion. I don't want to confess and I don't want to abort my baby.
> 
> We just bought a house and we both so badly want a child. I don't want my mistake to ruin our lives. I just need some advice and guidance on what to do.


Why on earth would you sleep with your husband right after having unprotected sex with another man? You could have been signing his death warrant. Have you and your H been tested for STDs?
I see no justification for keeping this from your H.


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## BigLiam

Machiavelli said:


> Mind boggling? Hardly.
> 
> Semen contains mood elevating chemicals which are absorbed into the bloodstream. Rubbers defeat a goodly portion of the post-coital bliss. Secondly, the intent here, consciously or not, was to become pregnant by the OM and pass the spawn off as the BH's legitimate heir. Rubbers defeat that, too.


My mind is easily boggled, I guess.


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## ahhnold

The author of this post has checked out I think. She was expecting everyone to give her a pat on the shoulder and say "yah sure its no big deal lie to your husband and trick him into fathering a child that's not his. And while your at it lie to your kid too. Have him believe your husband is his father. The kid has no right to know who its real father is."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigLiam

Yes, there was a definite undercurrent to her postings indicating she felt her husband was at fault in not staying.


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## Anonymous1111

calling her names is not giving good advice and thats what I was referring to.


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## onehotmama

SprucHub- i think you are wasting a little too much time overanalyzing my situation. I'm not deluded, and I honestly don't feel the need to explain myself any further. I have stated many times my intention in sharing my story. This thread is not about me. It's about the OP. I wanted to help her make the best decision, and that's all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lost12

Onehotmama I think the issue people have is you let the man that was your husband marry you and take care of a child knowing that you had unprotected sex with another man within a month of conceiving. You then had a child that looked so unlike your husband that he decided to DNA test the child. You never admitted to him it was a possibility until it was confirmed it wasn't his. What you did was flat our despicable. You can say it was an accident and yes you are more honest than KateJ but that isn't saying much. The other issue I'm sure people have is you constantly saying "DNA doesn't matter" after you unsuccessfully tried to cuckold a man. Of course it doesn't matter to you. You are highly biased. 

Just out of curiosity. You talk so much of your husband and how he kicked you out. What is the biological father doing for his child. The man who you let cum inside you while you were separated from your boyfriend. If you are angry at anyone it should be at him. 

I know you must not like to hear this but you aren't some innocent little victim. You inadvertently did something horrible. You had to know it was a possibility and you decided to be deceitful. That is why other users are criticizing you. You offered your story up so naturally people will post on it. 

Good luck with your child. Honestly.


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## keko

People should stop focusing on onehotmama's story rather give advices on Katej.


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## Lost12

KateJ has received hundreds of posts giving her advice. I'm sure a handful of posts addressing Onehotmama's story is not going to hurt anyone.


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## onehotmama

Lost12-let me enlighten you. My daughter does not look SO unlike my husband, she looks exactly like me. If you put her next to her bio father you would not know that there was a relation. For the past few weeks I've been struggling to understand why my H would feel the need to get a secret DNA test, and I have gotten my answer, but I will get to that. 
You are correct in one statement, my husband was not aware of the other relationship. I was 100% positive that my child was my husbands so I decided the only thing that would come of telling him was hurt. I figured that we were broken up and to be quite honest I thought it was none of his business. This was a naive and immature decision and I will absolutely own up to it. I can only wish that I had done things differently. My H and I had a 5 year relationship prior to the marriage, so it's not like he married me just because I was pregnant. We knew that we would get married at some point down the road and just decided to do it before the baby was born to make things easier. I expressed my concern about the paternity of the child to my OB/GYN, gave her the start and stop dates of both relationships. She assured me "I had nothing to worry about." As a young, scared, soon to be mother-this put my mind at ease. 
When my now husband found out I was pregnant.. he was, well, less than supportive. He told he he wanted to "kick me in the stomach" and did not come to even one doctor appointment during the pregnancy. When I was having my c-section, he failed to take any pictures of me and the baby, but instead took pictures of himself in surgical garb. While I recovered in the hospital in the days following the birth, he would go home at night to sleep and not return to see me or the baby until 3pm the next day. For the past 10 months of my daughter's life I have paid for every diaper, every piece of clothing, all the nursery furniture etc with my own income. My baby is breastfed, so I never made my H get up in the night for feedings or anything. NOT ONCE. I am making these points not to make my H look bad, but to point out that he was not a very involved father and has not suffered a huge financial loss for providing for me and the child.
My husband has expressed how sad he is that I let him fall in love with a child that is not his. I told him over and over and over that I never meant to do such a thing. That I loved him unconditionally and if he wanted to continue to be with the daughter he loved and have his family, that I would do anything to right the situation. Including involve the bio father so that he was not the only one being held accountable for the child. This would get him off the hook for child support in the event of a future divorce etc. I tried to tell him that if he still wanted his family, which it seemed like he did, that we were still here. I pleaded for MC but he refused. And I dont blame him. I dont blame him for wanting to leave whatsoever. I can empathize with him completely as far as all of that goes. However here's where my empathy for him ends:
Within 2 weeks of kicking myself and our daughter out of the home he moved another woman in. So now I know why he got the DNA test to begin with. He never wanted to have a baby, and he was having an affair during our marriage. He took a gamble with the DNA test and it just so happened that he lucked out. He has expressed several times how much happier he is now that me and the baby are gone. He feels so liberated. I'm not going to go into detail about all of the nasty, malicious behavior he has exhibited throughout the past couple weeks because it just isnt necessary. 
I will say one thing-I am no victim and I dont pretend to be. My child is healthy, happy, and well cared for. Her biological father is aware of the situation now and is beyond thrilled to have a daughter. He is doing everything possible to make up for lost time. In the end, I couldnt ask for a better outcome for my child. She lost one not-so-great father and gained one that will jump through hoops for her. As far as myself goes, I have made mistakes and I will own them. I can sleep well at night knowing that I made decisions based on what I thought was the right thing to do the entire time. You can form whatever opinions you want of me, I could care less. And I dont appreciate your crude, disrespectful verbage regarding my sexual relationships. Ultimately I will be much happier when this divorce is said and done, knowing what I know now about my husband. Yes, I screwed up. But despicable I am not. I'm just a regular person going through a hard time and trying to be the best mother I can possibly be. I'm determined to not let this affect my baby, and it would be wonderful if my story could guide someone into making better choices in their own life. Which was my hope for posting on this thread. So thanks for wishing me luck I guess, but I dont need it.


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## Lost12

I am not saying you intentionally did what you did. Accidents happen but your husband is the victim. I think you are rewriting history to make yourself feel better. I understand needing to do that and it is a survival tactic. 

You had a 5 year relationship with your boyfriend/husband and in a break you jumped to having unprotected sex with another man. Is nothing special to you. Why wouldn't you want to do everything in your power to make sure if you have a child it is with your long-term boyfriend and not just some guy picking up girls who are in a weak emotional state of mind after a break-up. And you lied to your husband by failing to disclose that relationship. That was wrong any way you cut it. 

Your husband wasn't that supportive. Do you think that was because in his gut he knew the baby wasn't his and just couldn't prove it until now? Can you imagine how he would feel taking care of a baby and loving a baby and then realizing he is as much related to it as the mailman or garbageman. I think if you were an honorable person you would repay your husband for any money he spent towards you and the OM's child. Even if it was a little bit it would be a gesture to show that you are truly sorry and it wasn't on purpose. And please for the love of God make the divorce easy. Its better for everyone. I don't know why you guys couldn't have got an annulment. 

And to the outside observer nothing your husband did warrants you trapping him (inadevertanly or not) with another man's child. Nothing. That was a horrible, evil thing even if it was an accident. He bonded with a child for 9/10 months and then found out it wasn't his. You aren't being understanding of how painful that must feel. 

Can you really not understand why he would have moved on so quickly. You destroyed his heart into a million little pieces. Nasty malicious behavior is nothing. Honestly depending on the person your life would be at risk. What you did was the equivalent of rape in my book. He is allowed to trash you all he wants. He shouldn't hurt you but he can say nasty things. You accidentally did a nasty thing to him. 

I'm curious as to how family and friends treat you. Do they understand or are they judgmental? I have to imagine that is quite the scandal. Do they side with your ex-husband?

For your baby's sake I hope you can get child support from the biological father. Odds are if it was a quick relationship he isn't going to be father of the year material. Just be realistic. 

For all my comments I do think you sound like a good mother. I think what you did if even by accident was disgusting. The fact that you keep bashing your ex-husband after so deeply wronging him is disturbing. Again good luck with your child and I hope everything works out for you. Your ex-husband and your baby is are in my prayers? Good job being the mother your baby deserves. Because of your decisions your baby isn't going to in all likelihood have a father around. You need to step up and be both roles.


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## anonim

Wanting a Strong Marriage said:


> Kate
> 
> I wanted to share an experience with you that I had as a child to demonstrate how your secret could be discovered years from now.
> 
> When I was around 12, we had been studying the ABO blood group and genetics in a science class. You can look up the details of this easily. It's very straight forward and not complicated at all. We all did fingerpricks in class, figured out our blood types, and then learned about how to predict (make a reasonable approximation) a child's blood type based on the parents and vice versa. I'm trying not to be too complicated here, and I don't want to give you a science lesson if you already know about this stuff.
> 
> Anyway, it's Thanksgiving Day, everyone from both sides of the family are there, and I have set myself at the table and was demonstrating my newfound knowledge to anyone who was interested. I was like a gypsy fortune teller...but with science!
> 
> Everyone was really impressed with how I was able to make a reasonable guess to their blood types. (Most of them knew already). I could even work it in reverse to tell them what their parents blood types were.
> 
> So, my youngest Uncle sits down and I proceed to plug in his info to my little chart. It didn't add up. I worked it again. It didn't add up. My grandmother had a very rare blood type (AB-). She was often called in to give blood to the red cross because of this. It was something she was very proud and there is no doubt to her blood type. My grandfather's blood type was O-. He still had his military dog tag with his blood type on it, and was a veteran of many medical procedures and knew his blood type. My uncle's blood type was AB+. He was an epileptic and had been in and out of the hospital his whole life. But just to be sure. I verified. I asked my grandmother, grandfather, and uncle if they were absolutely sure of their blood types. Everyone agreed that they were. And then, being the very naive 12 year old that I was, I dropped the bomb.
> 
> "There is no way that Papa is your father."
> 
> .......in front of everyone........ on Thanksgiving Day. This uncle was a late in life child for my grandparents and was actually only a few years older than me. I was immediately sent away and then told never to speak of it again.
> 
> If I had been older, I probably would have kept it to myself, but I was 12 and didn't have a lot of impulse control. I do regret outing them because that was either the day that my grandfather learned that his youngest child was not his or it was the day that his humiliation was complete when I outed it to the entire extended family.
> 
> My point is, if you have the child and hide the paternity, even if the sperm donor is similar in appearance, it doesn't mean that you won't be discovered. And you will always be waiting for that shoe to drop, especially with DNA science expanding so rapidly. It's not outside the realm of possibility that this child could get his DNA profiled as a science project in school, much like I did with blood types.
> 
> I wish I could say that my uncle's story ended happily. But let me say that, while almost all of my relatives live within a 50-mile radius of each other. He lives on the other side of the country and rarely has contact with us now that my grandmother is gone.


Do you know if your grandmother had an affair or if he was a switched baby?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ilgitano

This story makes me feel so sad


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## onehotmama

Lost12 you sound like my husband
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Badblood

Lost12, you are simply belaboring points that OHM has already addressed. You think she did wrong....OK. Now why don't we quit thread-jacking and get back to the original OP.


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## onehotmama

You can't argue with stupid people because they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lost12

onehotmama said:


> You can't argue with stupid people because they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was only asking you questions since your post was so compelling. It is one of the most interesting stories I have read anywhere in a long time. I'm sorry you feel that way. I really feel like I was fair and respectful. I didn't just say, "you are a skank". I responded to your post in a fairly long, detailed, and reasonable manner. Like I said before I wish you good luck with single parenting. Its a struggle. I'll be praying for your husband to heal and your baby to have a happy life. I'm going to check out of this thread now. Good luck Onehotmama


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## Wanting1

anonim said:


> Do you know if your grandmother had an affair or if he was a switched baby?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Funny you should mention that. At that age, I certainly couldn't fathom my grandma having an affair, so I immediately jumped on the switched baby scenario. That's when I was sent out of the room. For what it's worth, my uncle's physical characteristics didn't stick out in the family. He didn't strongly resemble anyone in particular but he wasn't an odd man out. 

My g'parents had a "complicated" relationship and didn't live with each other for years at a time during their long marriage. I later found out that during one of their separated periods she did have an long-term affair (with a woman). I just thought they were best friends.  So with that knowledge, I would assume affair. And this situation has been effectively "rugswept" in our family, so if there *is* anyone who knows for sure, they're not talking.


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