# I think I'm ready for a separation



## imdone47 (Jul 11, 2014)

Hi,
This is my first post. Trying to figure out what to do with my situation.
I've been married for 25 years and we're both in our forties. My husband and I have two kids (20, 23). They are in college but still live at home. I've been a SAHM until recently. I recently got a part time job. Here's the issue:
We no longer talk with any substance or are intimate. We've been drifting apart over the past 10-12 years. He's been the provider so I have no financial independence. We live in an apartment in my parent's house so I have security. He's not abusive, a cheater, or a horrible person. He works hard, has spent time with the kids growing up (coaching, birthday parties, etc) and they have good relationships. I usually end up sitting watching tv by myself if my kids aren't home. I sometimes go upstairs and talk to my parents. He works in the other room. I know he's not looking at porn or spending time on questionable sites, etc (I've seen the browsing history and the door is always open when he's working) We've had conversations about our relationship several times. We just go through the motions of husband and wife. He has shown no initiative to improve the relationship. I haven't done much other than point out that we don't have a relationship. I don't feel that he really wants to try at building the relationship back. He hasn't said that directly but his actions are saying it all. I don't know what to do. Any advice/ help?

Thank you.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

separation? do you want to live alone? or have him move out?

sounds like a rut. Is he happy? maybe he thinks you're just complaining about little things.

what do you want him to do? dates? vacations? flowers?

how's the part time job going? making any new friends? could you hang out with them instead of just watching TV all the time?

would he try counseling? would you?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Marriage counseling. Don't throw away your marriage until you two at least try to save it. Up till now all you have been doing is talking about saving it. You need a mediator.


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## imdone47 (Jul 11, 2014)

ReidWright said:


> separation? do you want to live alone? or have him move out?
> 
> sounds like a rut. Is he happy? maybe he thinks you're just complaining about little things.
> 
> ...


He would move out.

Neither of us is happy. I don't complain about little things. It's the lack of relationship. 

I want him to be a companion.

I don't watch tv all the time. The point is that when we have down time, I'm sitting alone.

He doesn't think counseling would help.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Schedule a meeting with a MC and ask him to go. There's nothing I heard that couldn't be fixed. Separation is the last resort.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

At your age you are redefining the marriage/ relationship. I don't think that your new definition is any less valid than his or those suggested by other answers. What I have to add is this:

The new definition of the relationship is in large part being shaped by the stage that you have set for it. If you want a different relationship you need a different setting. I would suggest a home without adult children and in-laws, both of you working outside of the residence. 

I could go on and on about the reasons why your living arrangements aren't working, but lets hear your replly to the idea first.
MN


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but why should he move out when you're unhappy? And then you'll expect support payments as well? Even though the apartment is in your parents place (and there's something that just seems wrong with that...) he still has rights. 

Yes, I can understand wanting to redefine your relationship. But my first thought is that you haven't given this one your best effort. It might take an ultimatum on your part to make him see that there are serious problems, and he needs to work with you to fix them. 

One final thought... Consider individual counseling before making a drastic decision. A separation isn't going to magically make things better. What have you occupied your time with "until recently" when you found your part time job? What do you do when you're not working? Depending on another person to make your life happy is a fool's game.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Men are not naturally smart when it comes to understanding the emotional needs of a woman. Men are easy-- give us some good sex, bring us some food every once in a while so we think you want to keep us alive, and say something sweet from Rome to time and we are pretty happy. Women need a lot of things from a husband that the man has no clue about most of the time-- I know I didn't. You've got to show him and spell it out for him so he'll know what you need. Don't expect him to figure it out-- he won't until you are gone and it's too late.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

imdone47 said:


> I want him to be a companion.


Have you found things to do that he likes as well and then invited him to go with you?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Sounds like no testosterone. What kind of health problems does he have?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

So neither of you see any thing you can do differently?

Or neither of you really care enough?

Pbear, he moves because they live in her parent's place.


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

imdone47 said:


> Hi,
> This is my first post. Trying to figure out what to do with my situation.
> I've been married for 25 years and we're both in our forties. My husband and I have two kids (20, 23). They are in college but still live at home. I've been a SAHM until recently. _*I recently got a part time job.*_


Did you found someone else on the new job?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Excellent question.


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## imdone47 (Jul 11, 2014)

A++ said:


> Did you found someone else on the new job?


No, I haven't found anyone at the new job.


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## imdone47 (Jul 11, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> At your age you are redefining the marriage/ relationship. I don't think that your new definition is any less valid than his or those suggested by other answers. What I have to add is this:
> 
> The new definition of the relationship is in large part being shaped by the stage that you have set for it. If you want a different relationship you need a different setting. I would suggest a home without adult children and in-laws, both of you working outside of the residence.
> 
> ...


What do you mean by 'both of you working outside the residence'?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

clipclop2 said:


> So neither of you see any thing you can do differently?
> 
> Or neither of you really care enough?
> 
> Pbear, he moves because they live in her parent's place.


It's still his home. If he wants to fight it, they would have to legally evict him. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WithMuchBaggage2 (Jul 12, 2014)

First post...my wife of 23 years (w/children 18 & 21) ran into a situation like yours, so I'm hoping I can give you a husband's perspective. 

Start doing nice things for him. Complimenting him for everyday run of the mill tasks you might take for granted. Take interest in TV, only if it's with him, otherwise kill the dang thing. 

Take time to look and smell your best. Get into yourself again. Dress nice, exercise, get a boob job...whatever! 

At some point he will make his way back to you. And when it happens, be prepared to only make small conversation regarding changes or lack of this or that...give yourself and him time to create new habits. Overtime, you will start laughing and having fun together and before you know it everything else will improve too. 

Unfortunately me and my wife can't get over the proverbial hump, and I'm ready for a separation. We've given it a half dozen tries and it simply isn't working for us.


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## Healing_Hearts (Jul 17, 2014)

Hello, This is my first time here and came across your post and had to reply. You are in a similar situation as I was some time ago. With the kids grown and on their own and a distant spouse I was pretty lost. I tried requesting the counseling and had the same response. What I ended up doing was going to counseling on my own to find out why I felt so miserable in my relationship. I won't go into details but I finally found myself. I started to take care of myself and developing other relationships through work and the gym I joined. I ended up feeling great about myself and developed a couple of close friends. I wasn't looking for another companion I sought to find myself again. After making drastic changes for myself things started to look up. Sadly, my marriage ended because my spouse did not want to change at all. I ended up in divorce eventually but it was the right choice for me. It's natural to experience the "empty nest syndrome" and with an unsupportive partner it can feel hopeless. My suggestion to you is to find the counseling for yourself and make changes for yourself. 
Through your journey the right answer will come.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Unless you haven't told us everything in your thread, neither of you has done anything that would damage your relationship.

Sounds like you need to find each other again. A counselor can help you to do that. Like others who have posted on this thread, I honestly think that is the best place to start.

If there is no reason to separate and you do it, then you have done something to damage your relationship with your husband.

If you separate without a reason, how are you going to deal with the guilt?


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

communication. do you guys communicate?

also, both need to go to MC first. This sounds more like a rough patch than a blown up marriage.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

I can give you a perspective now 16 months in... I was where you are now, about a year and a half ago... I hit rock bottom, but it had been years in the making. Our kids are younger, but the same feelings you have for your partner. I have been doing individual counselling, which I started right after telling him we were separating. He asked me to consider couples counselling. I coudln't see the purpose, I felt like we were both messed up and needed to work on our own individually. But agreed to go for a session. The MC convinced us both to give it a year, mostly for the kids, give it a year and see what happens. 

In this year I have learned that my communication is weak, I avoid conflict and then harbour resentment. He flees from conflict so the two together make for a pretty disconnected relationship. 

I have spent the year "finding myself" I guess to be cliché. But really it's been about figuring out what piece of my own happiness lies in myself, what are the things I need to take responsibility for, rather than projecting them on him and blaming him for my unhappiness. Things are much much better now. I can't say if we'll stay together. Similar to Healing_Heart, the thing with working on yourself is that it brings more clarity to the situation.

So now I feel much better, because I know that if we separate /divorce that it will be because our paths diverged, not because he didn't do this or that, or that we drifted apart. It will be because I very deliberately took a path to myself which led me away from him.

I'd say counselling is that hard path to take, it takes humility and open mindedness. Running away, is a temporary fix to an acute bleeding heart, but in the end, the pain will return because you have only stopped the bleeding temporarily.


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## sexlessmarriage28 (Jul 16, 2014)

OP, exactly my situation. 

I hope you are doing O.K. I think you and your husband are no longer in a marriage but an agreement. You are both living as roommates sometimes men and women stay in agreements for various reasons. You do not deserve that, if it's not making you happy. Talk to him and the most important part is making a decision for yourself. Do you stay or leave? Only you can answer that.


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