# Suddenly fantasizing about other men



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

First off, many of you know my story - many not. Basically, my husband is a sex addict/serial liar/cheater and pretty much all of it was a total shock to me 10 months ago. 

I tried so hard to make it work, to make him get better. Ultimately, I found out that I was being codependent and that it's got to happen when he initiates, when he is ready.

The entire time I was with my WS (which sadly is only four years), I never had ANY feelings for other men. I don't know if I just had these protective-loyalty mechanisms or what. But I really NEVER fantasized about other men. Never had crushes. 

All of a sudden, really a month or so ago, I started lusting over other men. I never did anything of course. But I've really started fantasizing a lot about a couple people who I know. I never did this before. 

I think it's because I have finally detached emotionally from my husband. He strangled every ounce of attraction/adoration that I had for him. I just wonder if anyone else has gone through this sort of sudden twist. My WS and I have not been sexually active for a month or so, and there were plenty of large gaps at a time ever since this nightmare began. 

Anyone else seriously fantasizing about crushes now that you see separation/divorce on the horizon and now that your WS has worn you down? I'm kind of ashamed of these strong feelings, because I just like to imagine things that I never would have spent time imagining about other men before.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

totallyunexpected said:


> First off, many of you know my story - many not. Basically, my husband is a sex addict/serial liar/cheater and pretty much all of it was a total shock to me 10 months ago.
> 
> I tried so hard to make it work, to make him get better. Ultimately, I found out that I was being codependent and that it's got to happen when he initiates, when he is ready.
> 
> ...


Okay this relates to other threads in so much as a potential wayward spouse initiating an affair and feeling 'justification' due to mistreatment from her husband / wife.

Without looking into your story. Are you still with him ?

If you are 

My point is this - you 
are unhappy 
have been for a long time 
you realize your husband has littel respect for you 
you now find yourself attracted to other men 

So what stops you from getting out leaving him, being single and having any man you want without being labelled as a cheat.

This is not complicated you have finished in your mind with him leave and have who you want which does not give any body a chance to bad mouth you or criticize you in any way? 

What's the problem here?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

now I've read a bit more in your other threads. I have had this in my past too a suicidal blackmail hanging over me and in the end I walked and she did try again (three times) but by then I realized I could not be responsible for her and had my kids to worry about not her.

You don't have kids so you have to either be a nurse all your life or get out and leave him to his own devices and start living for you. 

No one will blame you for going 

From what I read I suspect he will be fine


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

When someone is in a loving, sharing and happy relationship they may look and dont touch. we're all human and made that way. If you have sexual feelinsg for others it might not be because they are the man you want to spend your life with but, it might be because they represent what you want from a male.
The difference is cheats plough ahead and get involved whilst the rest of use try to work out the issues and either accept that its the way it is or walk away because its not working but it is hurting.
A Headspin said "You don't have kids so you have to either be a nurse all your life or get out and leave him to his own devices and start living for you. 

No one will blame you for going 

From what I read I suspect he will be fine "


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Get divorced before acting on these feelings.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It's time to move on and start the divorce. Yes, you've emotionally moved on. Don't start dating until the divorce papers are signed. If you do, your only asking for trouble. 

I have an ex h that I left. He cheated among many other things. It was easy to pack up and leave since that emotional attachment was gone. I didn't think about other men, I had a baby to raise and I went back to college at that time for a better future. I did remarry along the way.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

totallyunexpected said:


> First off, many of you know my story - many not. Basically, my husband is a sex addict/serial liar/cheater and pretty much all of it was a total shock to me 10 months ago.
> 
> I tried so hard to make it work, to make him get better. Ultimately, I found out that I was being codependent and that it's got to happen when he initiates, when he is ready.
> 
> ...


Or it is because you are a human with hormones and stuff.
_Posted via obile Device_


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Sounds like it's time to move on to me. Is he making progress? Do you think you might be able to make it work with him? I know that I wouldn't want to move on to another until I knew that it was done for good. IE Divorce is final. I do understand where you are coming from. As I spent so many years with blinders on. Now that I have detached somewhat because of what my WW has done and continues to do I find myself for the first time in almost 17yrs really looking at other women. I also for the first time in 17yrs I am realizing how many women smile and flirt with me but now is not the time to act on that. I made a vow and just because my WW broke it does not give me the right to do the same.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

I agree with what you all have said. I'm not planning on acting unless/until we are divorced. There are a couple things holding up a divorce. 

One - I'm in the process of separating. Checking out a car today so we don't have to rideshare. Still figuring out the logistics of living separately given our financial situation (but determined to do so). 

Two - I would like him to become a citizen before I divorce. This next summer he can apply to be a citizen. This means I will need to wait it out til then. I don't want him to have to return to his home country which is very repressive. 

So this is why I'm waiting to end it with complete finality. It's really logistic, not so much about me being emotionally ready to do so (though believe me this is so hard). Today, while looking at a car, he mentioned something indicating we would be sharing the car and I said, "You know we are separating, right? I've said this to you many times. I'm serious." He became silent and took the car and left. No idea where he is now. 

To be fair, he always takes the car out and leaves to who knows where. He's just sad in a deep way, and my heart breaks for him. Then I remind myself that he can survive this pain - that the initial months of heart stabbing I endured through revelations of incredible betrayal has got to be worse then this separation which he has slowly been prepared for and caused.

I agree that "acting" out on these feelings is dangerous and would probably hurt myself as much as anyone. I don't want to be a cheater. I hate cheaters. Well at least I hate the act.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

And nope- no progress. Well, he stated that he was trying by showing me a text message to a friend he started hanging out with that did drugs. He wrote, "I don't want to hang out with you anymore because you do too many drugs. Please delete my number." While that is great, that is irrelevant to building my trust in the marriage. He's still deleting all history, not wanting me to ever use his phone, staying out late, avoiding the topic, and being increasingly irritable towards me. Not to mention he gave up on sex addicts anonymous meetings and isn't asking for counseling. I'm tired of doing that work for him. If he were ready to change, he would push me to help him get help. I can't do it any longer.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

totallyunexpected said:


> IThe entire time I was with my WS (which sadly is only four years), I never had ANY feelings for other men. I don't know if I just had these protective-loyalty mechanisms or what. But I really NEVER fantasized about other men. Never had crushes.
> 
> All of a sudden, really a month or so ago, I started lusting over other men.


It goes to what I've been saying about woman who have a high romantic interest in their man don't cheat. Your new attraction for men has virtually nothing to do with you dwindling sex live with him. (albeit the dwindling sex has a lot to do with your feeling for him which are kaput) 
You are simply a normal woman with normal desires; just not for him anymore. Don't feel bad about it a just move on. He poisoned the well.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

totallyunexpected said:


> Two - I would like him to become a citizen before I divorce. This next summer he can apply to be a citizen. This means I will need to wait it out til then. I don't want him to have to return to his home country which is very repressive.


Are you his sponsor?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Listen, I could give you a clinical reason for what you are feeling, heck I am a professional counselor. I will break it down. You have not been sexually active with your husband for over a month. You are a normal heathy female. You are simply "horny". You have sexual thoughts that are well within the norm. Your husband has brought things into the M that should not be there. 

Typically in a healthy, sexually active M, a person's thoughts should be on their spouse. Lustful thoughts do pop up from time to time even in the best of folks. 

But you aren't getting any. I hate admitting it, but when my wife and I were headed for D after d-day in early Feb. I was not getting any. And it was driving me crazy. I had many lustful thoughts. And yes I felt guilty. 

My assessment is that you are a normal, healthy, female with a typical sexual drive. 

Though from my Christian perspective I do not condone such thoughts, I will say that they are normal. They can be resisted and you can train your mind to think other thoughts with some discipline. But bottomline, you are human and normal.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Machiavelli - Yep, I am his sponsor. Also, my parents co-sponsored him and are responsible for him if he becomes a public liability.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

I have sexual fantasies about other women all the time.. some of them I know, some I don't.. I thought that was normal. I would never make a pass at these people, or an type of advance.. because I understand the difference between fantasy, and reality. I've always had fantasies, and I've also always loved my wife deeply and have great passion for her. Many times she's involved in them, I enjoy bringing her in, but not all the time... What happens in your brain, should stay in your brain. Hell.. I remember my first fantasy.. It was with my sisters friend Lisa.. we were in the sandbox together digging.... (yea, I started young)


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

@ThePhoenix



> It goes to what I've been saying about woman who have a high romantic interest in their man don't cheat. Your new attraction for men has virtually nothing to do with you dwindling sex live with him. (albeit the dwindling sex has a lot to do with your feeling for him which are kaput)
> You are simply a normal woman with normal desires; just not for him anymore. Don't feel bad about it a just move on. He poisoned the well.


Right on target.
Do not feel guilty, recognize what you need, if you think there is a chance of making your marriage work perhaps try marriage counseling.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

totallyunexpected said:


> Machiavelli - Yep, I am his sponsor. Also, my parents co-sponsored him and are responsible for him if he becomes a public liability.


Then deportation is the best option for all.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Then deportation is the best option for all.


Whoa whoa, no way! I seriously care about him, and I know he has a better shot of happiness and personal growth here than in his home country which is very repressive and suffers extremely high levels of unemployment.

I want him to live here, be happy here. I just want him to be happy without me as his wife. I wish we could stay friends, but I realize that's treading dangerous waters (at least early on).

Thanks for the input.


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