# alone



## sailing alone (Sep 9, 2011)

Caught wife of 17 years having an affair. She is student at University of Phoenix. 4 years ago she was in study group with her lover, no relationship at that time. The guy would always come into class flirting with all the girls. She is coming on deadlines with some test and wanted to start the study group back up. Only person to respond was her lover. I told my wife I had some concerns, but I had trust in her. At the first meeting the guy came in flirting and telling my wife that she was everything, he has a masters in physiology. Wife told him to stop and she was not interested. Next meeting he continues to make her feel good. After the third meeting he gets her to follow him to the hotel. They went to the hotel 4 times in 2 weeks. I had a feeling something was not right. I put an app on my phone to record her conversations. Made some excuse to take her phone to work because mine had a low battery. Got home that night and hoping to have relief of what I hope was not happening. The conversation I recorded was my wife telling her lover that she was done with their relationship. 

Of course I asked my wife all the details of the relationship. She said the sex has horrible and was nothing to her. After the second time she felt bad, then after the fourth she told me she cried on the way home. She describes it as if there were two of her and the side that had the affair was in a bubble of fog. She said the bubble started to fade after the second time. And was gone after the fourth. During this two week affair she never felt distance from me. Always looking to hold my hand and telling me she loves me.

Back 4 years ago when they were in the study group, she would tell him how great here marriage was and how she loved her family. He used to tell her he was jealous of me. I confronted the guy to ask some questions. He told me everything. He said he lost one of his best friends because of this, her. I told him that I may leave her, and he told me how much she was in love with me. 

In the two weeks since I am still numb. We have seen a counselor and trying to put this thing back together. She claims she still loves me. I see the guilt that she has as I struggle through this. She can now see that this guy played her. But she accepts the blame for what she did.

Hope that sharing this helps.


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## sleepalot (Sep 9, 2011)

I am sure it helped a lot of people telling your story. Did it help you?

Myself and my new partner both had ex's that cheated on a grander scale that what you are describing (not that it is any easier or better in your situation). We both felt at the time it happened the need to share our situation with others and quickly realized that our ex-partners infidelities were more common than we thought...sadly.

You sound like a sensible person that has thought this through, my only comment which is purely based on my experience, is that it is still early days and you should expect some ups and downs. It CAN work, however both parties need to be devoted and willing. Your biggest challenge will be rebuilding trust.

Only my thoughts...take it or leave it.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I guess I am cynical but her story is so self-serving. She is clearly in damage control. The sex is so horrible that she had to go to his hotel and have sex with him 4 times.....Oh please.

By the way, you both better be checked for STD's. She really needs to ask what gave her permission to destroy her marriage and humiliate and disrespect you her husband in such a way. I am sorry but I just do not buy her story. She has turned it around that she is the victim and could not say no and the sex was so horrible that she had to do it 4 times. I think she is still playing you. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you have been? What did she expect to happen when she was screwing another man behind her husband's back?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This is a lesson learned and now that you can see your wife can be weak and makes bad choices, then I suggest you give up on the blind trust gig. 
I'm in the crowd that believes in trust but verify, which you have done, but... now is the time to think about some of your wifes requests and sticking to your guns by dening some of them do to her lack of judgement. 

No matter how much it will piss her off, take control of your marriage, not to control her, but to set your own boundries that will protect you from futher pain.

Call it a consequence, but if she had suffered a consequence this time around by dening her request to start up with OM again it could have been avoided.


Fool me once shame on her, fool me twice shame on you.

Sorry man, you trusted and you got screwed. You became a member of the cheater police years ago and you dropped the ball. This time around you will think twice. You will think about the boundries you now have.Face it your wife has none.

So protect your marriage tell her you now have boundries that need to be respected and during this talk you might want to bring up what exactly hers are? 

Boundries and consequence are some of the things both of you should really look at in the hopes in preventing a divorce.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She has a real funny way of showing how she loves you

She knew what she was doing every step of the way---the guy didn't exactly put her in a headlock and force her to go to the hotel

She might claim being lost the 1st time---but she dissed you, and stepped out of the mge 4 times---so she knew what she was doing

If you do decide to stay---do not treat this lightly and sweep it under the rug---she will just do it again, remember she had some kind of relationship with this guy 4 yrs. ago, and here she is going at it again with him

If sex was so terrible, it would have ended the 1st time----

If you stay---put in heavy boundaries, with actionable consequences---also have her sign a POST--NUP

Make sure she shows extreme remorse, is contrite, and does ALL the heavy lifting to get back into the mge

This was not some daliance---she knowingly went with a guy to a hotel 4 times---you need to get to the WHY, and fix it before you even think of R.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She is in total damage control. You are the fall back guy. I am sure she was very sorry......sorry that she caught caught. She clearly had no problem putting you her husband at risk for STD's. She played you for a fool and is still playing you. You deserve so much better than this.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Wives alone with other men who are hitting on them. Hmmm. bad idea. 

Boundaries. But you know that now. Blind trust is .... blind.

Try out His Needs Her Needs. Dsicuss, define and agree on boundaries. Also trust but verify. Transparency is key.

This would have been a deal breaker for me, but if it is not for you, you can at least learn from this.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

The Guy: "I'm in the crowd that believes in trust but verify" 
How does someone get to that place. I'm in verify EVERYTHING and IF everything STAYS consistent then TRY to start trusting.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Her actions, not her words or tears are what you should be judging if there is a future with her or not. Please read the following:



> *'Guilt' vs 'Remorse'
> 
> They aren't the same thing.
> They even 'look' different.
> ...


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## sailing alone (Sep 9, 2011)

W is telling MC what she has told me. I want to believe her. MC is telling me to look how she describes the sex, if W was in love with the OM sex would have been good and she would not have ended it after two weeks. I can tell from her emotions that she is hurting and is remorseful. W said that when the study group started the OM came in and just started playing her, she has never tried to play the victim card with me, and accepts the blame for what she has done. 
When I have told her that I don't think the marriage is going to work, she is there telling me she loves me and believes we are soul-mates. 

I still love my wife and the last thing I want is a divorce. After reading the books MC recommended I see that our marriage lacking some of the emotional contact. And that is what OM gave her, and he even told me it was a game for him.

We have set boundaries for us. She will not let OM that close to her again.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Is she still in contact with the OM? That has got to stop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She is your soul mate? What did she expect to happen to her marriage by screwing another man 4 times? If she knew that you would automatically have divorced her if she screwed around on you, do you think she would have sex 4 times with this OM? My guess is that she thought she could get away with it and if not then you would forgive her anyway. Am I wrong?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Women crave emotional support. Unfortunately sc*mbags know this as well and use it to 'fly under the radar' of a married woman's defenses by posing as a platonic friend. Slowly the OM emotionally undresses himself for her which in turn causes the married woman to emotionally undress for him. Once that happens, the sexual consummation is not far behind.

As Shaggy said, your wife's contact with the OM has to stop forever. She should send him a NC (no contact) letter stating that she will never have any contact with him, ever, and give it to you so that you can send it and ensure that the OM receives it.

Whatever road you choose - reconciliation or divorce - it makes you no less of a man. Good luck.


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## sailing alone (Sep 9, 2011)

First off, thanks all for the reply's. 

The wife sees how OM played her, and my discovery was the phone call I recorded. On the recording was my wife ending the affair. She said the sex had stopped Aug 16, day before my 7 year sons birthday, 10 days prior to this phone call. When she talks about the guy, there is nothing but hatred for him. Day after D-Day I was going through hell. I made here go to here parents house 1:30 am to tell them, made her sign a letter if ever happens again she will let me take kids, I know the letter means nothing.

But last night she said something that means more than anything. She said that life is to short to live it being unhappy, and I am the one person that makes her happy.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

sailing alone said:


> First off, thanks all for the reply's.
> 
> The wife sees how OM played her, and my discovery was the phone call I recorded. On the recording was my wife ending the affair. She said the sex had stopped Aug 16, day before my 7 year sons birthday, 10 days prior to this phone call. When she talks about the guy, there is nothing but hatred for him. Day after D-Day I was going through hell. I made here go to here parents house 1:30 am to tell them, made her sign a letter if ever happens again she will let me take kids, I know the letter means nothing.
> 
> But last night she said something that means more than anything. She said that life is to short to live it being unhappy, and I am the one person that makes her happy.



Tread lightly my friend. Be very careful. It is very good news you heard on that recording but things really don't add up to me. 

The repeated hotel trips, the "I lost my best friend" crap from the OM, the hatred towards this guy....I would be very cautious.

Trust but verify for sure.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You make your wife happy---and what does she do to you---she blows your life up

She could have stopped this at any point in time---yet she went with him 4 different times---even as she came home looked you in the eyes, and said everything was fine---she was cheating on you by OMMISSION, even after she allegedly stopped

If you hadn't caught her cheating, she would have never told you---she would have taken it to the grave as her dirty, dark, little secret

If you want to do a POST--NUP---make it formal, set in all your demands, put a DURESS clause in, and have it notarized, it will be valid in court.

How are you doing in re:triggers, visions, pain

She all of a sudden wants to make it all right, cuz if she looks into her future, as in D., what does she see

Herself, as single, divorced with 3 kids, and the label of cheater attached to her---she will more than likely work 2 jobs, be tired when she gets home, and still she will have to deal with the kids needs

She will have to do everything that was done as a family, BY HERSELF

What do you think she is gonna find out there in the way of guys---there won't be anyone like you out there---most of the guys will be scum, like the filth she just got done with---they want sex only, or they want to be supported, or they are criminals, or crazies with mental problems, drug, and alcohol problems---If you live in a small town---there is probably NOTHING out there for her----

She is not looking at a very pretty future by herself---of course she wants back in the family

If you do allow her to R., you must be very hard about it, she doesn't get a free pass, she is to be extremely remorseful, contrite, be completely open, and as to college, she can do her studying by herself---no GNO's---she does everything with her family------if she doesn't like it tell her adios---she needs to be totally accountable, and she needs to know if she so much as does any light flirting, she is gone!!!!

Do not let her give you this I was 2 people line---she knew what she was doing----she should have stopped the study sessions, when she knew there were only the 2 of them, and hit on her hard, instead by the 3rd session, she is off making love with him----she went thru red flag, after red flag---and she knew it---yet she went

Now all of a sudden she loves you, and is your soulmate----where was your soulmate, as she was blowing up your life, and keeping it a deep dark secret

17 yrs down the drain, your carefree life is over, your peace of mind is over, and your trust is gone---she shows you a very strange kind of love!!!!!!!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She says to you life is to short to be unhappy---is that her way of saying, OK, I just gave myself to another man, forgot you, my H, existed, forgot my kids existed, but its OK, we should just forget about it and be happy, forgot, I was gonna banish them to a nuclear winter for a long time to come.

She never thought she was gonna be caught---but isn't that the way it is with all cheaters

Yes you do only get one try at life, and you want to live happily, unfortunately, your wife took that away from you, your life will never be the same especially if you stay with her

Whether you do or don't is up to you, but don't live a life of misery, for her, or for the kids---this is your life, and do what is best for you


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