# Help... I'm lost



## myhearthurts2015 (Jan 5, 2015)

My wife and I have been married for 8 years been together for 9 years. We are going through a troubling time right now when my wife would tell me how she felt about things I would say the wrong things like maybe we needed a divorce or separation. But I never meant it Sometimes at night my wife would say i never held her...but I did but sometimes it would get hot and roll over.. anyway my wife started hanging out with friends from work like one friend is 25...so I kinda wonder if she is going through a midlife crisis.. I'm a stay at home dad and my wife is the breadwinner she says she wants a divorce because she says she's not happy and it's been like that for a year she says she says she's tired of going around in circles with me about how she feels and me thinking negative I just want to make her happy I'm committed and loyal and I have never been unfaithful. Now my wife has cheated on me twice the first time was with my best friend at the time but she said he forced himself onto her The second time was when we was separated cause she said it would make our relationship better plus I think she needed space to clear her head but she said it was my fault we separated she said I just ran from problems but I just wanted her to take time and clear her head so after our first separation and she cheated on me the second time we got through it and got back together now she says she wants to give me what she thinks I want which is a divorce and I don't want that but she says she does cause she says she loves me but she's not in love with me she says she wants to end our marriage on good terms as friends but I am completely in love with my wife and I didn't mean to say the things I said but I have never cheated on her she says we are separated and I think she is cheating on me again I love her unconditionally and I want this to work but it seems like she has her mind made up everything I try to say or do just ends up in a argument and her telling me there's no point in me trying and she said I made her miserable but I can't help the way I feel about her I mean if she is cheating on me again I just wish she would tell me she stays gone from the house for hours and hours on end when she can she told me she has a guy friend who she takes places but I'm not stupid her body language says there doing something plus she stays on Facebook and her phone all day and really doesn't talk to me much she doesn't text me or nothing she has a job and she says that's taking care of the kids me I cook clean and give them baths and do there laundry I mean I take care of them also and she doesn't even acknowledge it... I just need some advice on how I can get her to love me again I mean she says she loves me and cares about me but is not in love with me... I'm lost..plus she acts like she is single it is like she has checked out of the marriage.. any advice would be appreciated..


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Just for clarification, does she share her passwords for her phone or computer accounts with you? I suspect she keeps those secret from you, and becomes defensive if you even suggest being allowed to look at her phone, for instance?

Please remember it requires you both want to make the marriage work to be able to make it work. If she is not interested in reconciliation there is no chance it will happen.

You really need to stop saying you want a divorce if you do not want one.

As the others say, work on yourself. Begging your wife to reconsider is not a good tactic.

You are almost certainly going to end up alone. Personally I have no idea why you want to preserve this marriage, but no marriage is perfect. Mine is far, far from perfect.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Some bullet points in no particular order -

- punctuation and paragraphs are your friend and makes it much more effective in being understood properly. 

- Never bring up divorce unless you are dead serious and it's time to do the paperwork. 

- Your wife is a serial cheater and has had no ramifications for her actions so she will continue to cheat.

- She will continue to bang other dudes until she finds a guy that she respects more than you and he agrees to take her full time. - then she will leave you for him. Perhaps in as little as a matter of days or a few weeks. 

- Even though it is politically incorrect to say and even though Oprah and the rest of the feminists say that they want men to have a greater role in child-rearing and housekeeping, it is an inconvenient fact that many women do not respect a SAHD and feel resentful that they are the ones going out into the world and slaying the dragons while the man stays home. They may deny all of that, but they still feel it. 

- Women can not sexually desire men they don't respect. respect and sexual desire go hand in hand. If she respects another man more than you, she will desire him sexually more than you. 

-Women must also feel safe emotionally, physically and financially in order to not be anxiety-ridden, resentful and bats hit crazy. 

-I do not believe your wife feels safe in this marriage because you do not bring in a living income, provide insurance, retirement accounts and do not pay the rent/mortgage. 

-She also doesn't feel safe because you talk about separation like you talk about changing a balding tire on the care. 

-she also doesn't feel safe because you let her date and have sex with other men. 

-She doesn't respect you and she doesn't feel emotionally or financially safe with you so her basic instincts are leading her to seek out stronger and fitter men. 

- and you are letting her which makes you weak in her instinctual eyes.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP, you can't make anyone love you. You sound like a Nice Guy. I would suggest you read No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover. Your wife has already cheated on you twice. You think she is cheating on you now. You are basically a baby sitter/nanny/housekeeper/maid and you feel you get no recognition. What you really are is a door mat. She is walking all over you. You need to grow a pair and focus on your self and your needs.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ynot said:


> . You are basically a baby sitter/nanny/housekeeper/maid .


Yes. 

Women desire the Lord of the Manor. Not the baby sitter.


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## KC7NOA (Dec 31, 2017)

myhearthurts2015 ...

Im in the same boat as you .... SAHD for 8 years and my wife resents me. I have a Job now and i dont make much .. separated and she wants a divorce .....

I hope you can work it out ....

My advise is don't talk to her about issues ..... try to re-connect -- i bought Mort Fertels marriage fitness .. and also the book Divorce Busting .... 

You cant talk your way back into her heart ... actions are all you have.

Iv been seperated for 5 months now and im still watching the kids on EVERY weekend and some times im over to help during the week 3 days too ..... i am being a matt and this next weekend no matter what she says ... im not watching my kids ... no matter how much it hurts .... 

My wife thinks we will all get along -- not a chance if she is still with the guy she see's every weekend and talks to while i let her rest in the evenings .... yep, i feel like a floor matt


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

KC7NOA said:


> myhearthurts2015 ...
> 
> Im in the same boat as you .... SAHD for 8 years and my wife resents me. I have a Job now and i dont make much .. separated and she wants a divorce .....
> 
> ...


Myhearthurts just has one other post that he made back in 2015 and it sounds like this post is just a continuation of his issues from 3 years ago so I doubt if he will actually be back. He is likely a lost cause. 

But we can still help you if you come back to your thread and Velcro your giblets back on and grow a spine.


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## KC7NOA (Dec 31, 2017)

Dang ....

Wish he would return to update ....

But i think that the lack of update probably means they got divorced ..... and he died of a broken heart.

Unfortunately i fear that my wife and I are not far from that state .... 

Its time for me to put my foot down and meet our parental plan to the word and stop helping her think divorce is a good thing.

I think that if you want a divorce -- you should live it fully before you do it.

Thanks oldshirt for not jumping on me for replying to an old post ... i thought it was a relatively new one being on the top.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You misread.

This Original Poster has posted 2 times.

The first time was years ago, complaining generally along these same lines. Likely about one of her other affairs.

He posted again today. He is still in the same boat, and he is still around.

Just unlikely he will post again to this thread since he never returned to his thread 3 years ago. Well, that is the speculation.

Perhaps he did not get the responses he hoped to see. Which may be happening here as well.

His wife may have been raped by his friend. It happens. But his wife had an affair, and is having another affair. His wife obviously does not respect him. He cannot make her love him simply by wishing it so. He cannot talk her into it.

But you, they are suggesting you start your own thread, and stick around to answer any questions and respond regarding any suggestions. You know, interaction to prove you are paying attention. Why bother posting if the people out there aren't paying attention?

Anyway, whatever.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Stop being a doormat. She’s cheated twice and you’re so understanding?

I got news for you. She has your replacement lined up. She going to move you out and him in.

You come across as very naive and weak.

No woman is attracted to that.

Better wake the hell up and get a job


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I dont know why you want to be with a woman who has already cheated twice. How can you trust her?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OP, you are a doormat to her. She has no respect for you, and by the way that your posts sound, you are not a "nice guy" as someone said, you are a weak man, a man that has not self-respect. Basically by your own admission, you are a cuckold, because you are allowing your wife to have other men.

Is this the example that you are showing your kids what a man should be? If so, you deserve everything coming your way. Were you raised without a male role model? If so, you need to learn to man up, and do what you need to do to get your manhood back.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> OP, you are a doormat to her. She has no respect for you, and by the way that your posts sound, you are not a "nice guy" as someone said, you are a weak man, a man that has not self-respect. Basically by your own admission, you are a cuckold, because you are allowing your wife to have other men.
> 
> Is this the example that you are showing your kids what a man should be? If so, you deserve everything coming your way. Were you raised without a male role model? If so, you need to learn to man up, and do what you need to do to get your manhood back.


I was the one who suggested he was a nice guy. But I agree with you. Weak may be a better way to phrase it.


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