# So I got what I wanted, he left, now I'm left with mixed feelings??



## happinessw/in (Jan 11, 2012)

Situation: He actually moved out this time, "calling it a separation" after my telling him to leave as a result of his insults during our last argument, I'm left with mixed feelings, not sure I want to go thru with it or not. I don't believe in separation, I feel it only drives ppl further apart, creates opening for new problems.

Background: Married almost 6 yrs, have 4yr old girl. I found out he was having an affair when our dtr was 3 mo old. He ended it. I decided to stay with him. Next cpl years was ok. But last year or so have been miserable. I feel like he's cheating again, he of course denies it, doesn't open up about feelings, no interest in planning events, vacations, it's all me. He says we need to save for a new house, (we short sale'd our last home 2 yrs ago) Fine, but our arguments have become so viscous, full of insults from both sides. As a result I have become the "angry, jealous wife" I never thought I would be. I try to get it thru his head it's a result of what he did. It gets me and us nowhere.

We had another huge blowup last week, in his attempt to explain something, he actually insulted me by saying "if I was a decent wife" and actually called me a "[email protected]#^" for the first time ever. I lost it!! I told him to leave, that I had had enough. He Didn't want to leave due to it being so late, said he would, get this, leave in the morning!! LOL, I told him, you do not get to insult me and stay in this house, after several of my demands for him to leave, he finally left. This time he said, this is it, this time I'm not coming back! 

It's been a week, we have seen each other several times due to exchange of pick up/ drop off of our daughter. We have not really discussed the fight. He has told me he found a place and took all of his clothing and personal belongings, but not everything.

My issue: Yes i am fed up, I don't want this kind of marriage any longer. I feel I deserve better! I've always been a faithful, hardworking wife, mom! The problem is I dread giving up the stability of the family life. I really don't want to be a single mom! I think I've managed to believe I can make it work to avoid dealing with all of this. Just seeing how it is already affecting my dtr kills me. She is already wondering and asking about why her dad left. Ughhh!! Am I just being immature or ridiculous about the thought of it possibly working after all of this?? I don't know, I honestly can't even say whether I still love him or not, I miss the family togetherness, but so far I don't miss him. 

I don't believe in separation, either make it work with therapy, or not! I just can't decide which way to move. I guess I just need to figure it out, after all he already moved out, so I guess the next step is divorce???? Anyone have thoughts on this??


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

While separation works for some, it leads to divorce more often than not. 
At this point I think that your best bet would be to do a 180 (see the link below). Your husband most likely thinks that you will take him back like you did before. And he can have his affair on the side. By doing the 180 you will show him that you mean business. IT will also help you mentally and emotionally.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You really don't have a stable marrige do you? You have a husband who does not love or respect you. Your daughter will think that she must tolerate this. He cheated you suspect he is cheating again. Do you really want to live like this out of fear? If you take him back you are telling him that you are worth nothing and he can do as he pleases..

He has done nothing to apologies or atone so he thinks that what he did is Ok. Get out now because it will only get worse. What he is doing is emotionally abusive and your reaction is classic. You allow him to abuse you because you are fearful of being alone. 

He probably told you that or he has beaten you down so much that you don't think much of yourself. He is the one with the problem! He is projecting his inadequacies and fears onto you. He is the one who will have failed relationships not you. 

You have to get out have faith heal yourself from the abuse and then you will attract a man who is good. But you must get help to figure out why you would tolerate being in a relationship with so flawed a man. 

Please get IC now so that you are supported in getting out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happinessw/in (Jan 11, 2012)

Thank You both for your responses and insight! Very helpful!! EleGirl, the 180 plan is very interesting, I will definitely try that, alot of it I have been already been doing, it kind of is how I react toward him anyway, and after a few days or week, he changes. The problem is we get back together, and fall into the same trap.

Catherine602, Thanks for that perspective! I really needed to hear that. I will definitly be seeking IC for myself!!


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