# We tried again....



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

We tried again,
He lied again, 
He's gone crawling back to the OW again.
He did finish it with her, I saw the messages.
He told me he loved me and would do everything to make it right.
Two weeks later he's back with her and it's gone full throttle.
He can't face the truth, he feels totally justified in what he's doing and he doesn't care about anyone but himself.
He has the cheek to txt me and ask me if I'm ok,is there anything I need or want,just to keep me hanging on.
3 bloody years ve been doing this, 3 heartbreaking years.
I'm desperately trying not to sink into a deep depression. But I just need to rest. I'm exhausted, emotionally and physically.
My beautiful children are the only things keeping me going right now.
DG
X


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## LaQueso (Dec 30, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> We tried again,
> He lied again,
> He's gone crawling back to the OW again.
> He did finish it with her, I saw the messages.
> ...


I remember your story. I'm so sorry. (((Hugs)))
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Unless you want to be doing this for a fourth year, I say cut it off w/ him and move on w/ your life.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Daisy,

I am so very sorry for you. Move on. Have a catharsis and start enjoying your life. God Bless.


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## Luvmyjava (Feb 9, 2014)

daisygirl 41 said:


> We tried again,
> He lied again,
> He's gone crawling back to the OW again.
> He did finish it with her, I saw the messages.
> ...


Daisygirl:
I read this and felt your pain...

You need to really take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself whether or not you want to let this control you another day. 

It's no longer about what he's doing.
It's no longer about what he's saying.
It's no longer about what he's showing you.
It's no longer about what he's promising you.

It should now be about your needs.
He's keeping you there to take care of his children, and more than likely trying to avoid the court system and child support.
Try to detach.
Do the 180

Start to move on inside, and let the outside catch up.
You don't need this cr*p


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

I am sorry for you.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Just keep in mind the he is the one who is messed up, hurts others, and doesn't care. Think long and hard about that, and then chart your own course.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

DG, I know you've struggled for so long and I remember feeling so bad for you reading the Reconciliation thread over the years. I feel bad because of my own guilt and being so angry at your husband for not just coming clean and/or letting you go. No, instead he gave you false hope - not even false R. He gave you hope and even to the point I remember distinctly you posting last year about how happy you were to make it to your 20th anniversary.

I'm so sorry you're in the place you are. Believe it or not, it took me about 20 minutes just to get the courage up to respond to your thread because I felt so bad for you. I even called Dig to tell him and he encouraged me to write from the heart. He said he wished he could get on here and post one of his "not so nice" rants about your husband's antics. 

I hope the best for you.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> We tried again,
> He lied again,
> He's gone crawling back to the OW again.
> He did finish it with her, I saw the messages.
> ...


Your post from 3-3-2012

*10 months on
Dday No 2
He is in love with her
Her H emailed me this morning and told me that he was leaving her today and he thought i should know that they are still in love!
He has emailed their workplace to tell their boss.
The devastation isnt so bad 2nd time around. At least i know now that i wasnt going crazy. It still hurts like hell though.
No more being friends to make him feel better.
With great sadness, i have to report, despite all my efforts, my 18 year marriage is done!
Come on, let me have it ......... *


And your post from 3-31-2012 


*Catherine
Thanks once again for your sound advice. Yes I am happy but I am also being careful. 
My H is really stepping. Up to the mark. We are continuing to talk and he is answering everything I need to know. He has said he is totally committed to our marriage and me and will do everything he can to prove it. 
The last year of my life has been a nightmare. He truly recognises the pain he has caused And takes full responsibility for it. He holds me when I cry and listens to me when I talk . He is giving reassurance in words and actions.
I can't explain it in words but back last year in one of my posts I said it felt like my H had been abducted by aliens. I feel like the space ship has returned and brought my H home!
He has turned back into the man I always knew he was.*


daisygirl, this has been your husband's pattern for years. I do understand. In one way when my wife basically did the same thing from 2010 till April 2013, I was in some strange mode of trying to keep the M going. My wife finally came clean and repented in April 2013. Frankly, I can't say it was worth it. I am hoping some day I can, but right now I still trigger and feel lost at times. The sting and pain has diminished quite a bit from last year. As I reflect on the crap my wife did over the years, I should have walked the first time she cheated in 1999. Your situation is not much different then what I went through. May I suggest it is time to end it for good.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

what can he do for you?
stay the fvck away is what i'd ask him to do. 

sorry you are going thru this again. time to move on dear.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The first time that his infidelity happened, your feelings should basically be right along the lines of "Shame on you!"

Not quite so on the second "go-around!"

It's largely time to kick him in the a$$, do "the 180," and get yourself to a good piranha lawyer to help finish this thing off for you!*


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I know your thoughts will be drawn to him, but he has already taken up FAR too much time and space in your mind because he ISN'T WORTH any more of your precious time and energy.

Your own healing, your present, your future, and your dear children deserve most of your attention now.

When you do think about him, please try to think about what specific things you can do for yourself to help yourself heal and have a "toolbox" of those things ready to go so that thoughts of him have ever-diminishing power. Have scents to smell, a list of positive sayings to read, funny movies to watch, upbeat music to listen to, friends to phone, exercise to do, daisies to look at, etc.

Be good to YOU. Take care.


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## frank29 (Aug 22, 2012)

Hi DG i have traveled your path as nearly all on TAM have done he will likely came back again yet more heart ache i had much the same .this time i kicked her in to touch painful you had better believe it missing her wanting her needing her and having her tell me lies and almost destroying me in the end i just said to her i dont do second hand go away as hard as it is was and is i have not gone back on, It bloody hard some days a little better other days hard but a little better every day still tears and my heart busting i was about give up .as hard as it is try and find some one to go out with not for sex but some one to laugh with and have some company to make you smile and lift your sprites go out have a picnic just go for a walk pop in a pub or to .
it will get better slowly it will get better and better just sun bathe dont forget to put on sun cream but dont jump into a relationship that a rebound just go out with some one . that is what i did and slowly slowly i started to feel better and it still hurts a little but noway near as it did before .Boy did my new found help not in naughty way just supportive you have nothing to lose loads to gain
Frank


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## shannybear123 (May 6, 2014)

I am sorry this is happening to you. I have only been dealing with this for 2 months. But 3 years? How did you even make it to this point with him being such a POS? You must be a very strong person to weather that long of a storm. You must also be strong enough to leave and find what you truly deserve, which is so much better than this.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

You know, I saw your title and I KNEW. I'm just observing and reading about it--you're LIVING IT--and just from knowing you here on TAM it was painful. 

daisy, I wish it wasn't true. I wish it was just all a bad dream and you'd wake up and it would be okay. But I think the time has come to accept that this is painful but it is reality. He has done this over and over and now over again. It is who he is and it is his pattern. 

Now the question is this: can you live with this? If he never, ever changes (and it doesn't look like he will), can you live like this? I know it's scary to think of the future without him--after all 20 years together is a long time--but if the cost is YOU, that price is too high. 

I hope you take care, dear daisy. You are such a treasure and have always been a blessing here at TAM. Now it's time for you to take care of YOU.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Thank you all for your kindness.
It doesn't hurt quite so bad the 3rd (or is it 4th!) time around! I forget.
The reason I clung on so long? Because I loved him so dearly. We had a good friendship, we were close. He was my everything. Until 3 years ago I believe he was faithful, I really do, then the OW came along when we were going through a bad patch and she's just some kind of hold over him. Of course he never made that break, being co workers so of course she's always been there. 

He broke it off with her again just 3 weeks ago, came crawling back to me and when I gave him a piece of my mind and told him what he needed to do this time, he folded again and went running straight back to her. Of course she was waiting with open arms.

I'm hurting but I'm also feeling stronger than I have before. As you know I left the marital home in January anyway, so physically I have been gone a while, I have a lovely place and am happy here. 
As we all know, moving on emotionally is harder, but it's getting easier, as those rose tinted glasses are now well and truly broken. 
We txt a few times a day, now only about the kids and money, and I haven't seen him for 5 days. The longest ever!! It's easier if I don't see him.
I won't go to my former house again as I know she's been there and it hurts. He can just get on with it now. It's his mess. She's got 2 kids. He's always said he won't be a step dad to anyone else's kids, if she's happy to have someone like that then that's up to her.

I know when I am ready to me someone again, it will be a relationship that starts in an honest and decent way. Il be ready and healed and whole. Not damaged, guilty and ashamed of my choice.
I have a lot of love to give, it could have been his, for a lifetime. Not now, there so much better out there for me, even if that means I have to spend the rest of my life single.

I've got the best kids, the best friends and you lot. I know I'm going to be ok. Just got to get through this little bad patch

Much love
DG

Where Dig when I need him!!!!
Ha ha &#55357;&#56838;


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Just got home from work. Nicely enough, Dig has the night off from patrol and we're going to enjoy a nice evening. That said, I understand I will probably get banned for this, but it's okay. Someone has something to say via our tablet.

"Daisy, you know what we need and it ain't f'ng this. This dude has lied to you now time and time again. His f'ng remorse button has the worst short in it I've ever seen and you suffer for it. Guess what sweetie? They ain't all like that. Not every wayward spouse is a puke. Some of them get it and a lot of them don't. It sucks moose balls cuz you're a cool chick who deserves a ton better than what you've gotten the past few years. Let that idiot go and see that the f'ng grass is only green where you water it. I guaranfngtee you that when you're gone from him and living a happy life, karma is gonna slam it's bus into his backside. He's gonna understand a little saying some guys have: Yeah, she's hot but some guy out there is sick of her sh_t.

F that guy. Go and be happy. Be happier than ever cuz you got that f'ng albatross off your neck. His little Land of Unicorns and Rainbows is gonna turn into a brown mess of crap when her true colors show. Oh, and when he comes crawling back to you cuz you know he will, look at him and say no thanks. Dig would kick my ass if I took you back. That f'ng tool of a "husband" deserves what he gets from here on out. Sorry you're going through this Daisy. It ain't f'ng cool."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Regret and Dig (shhh)
I think I love you xxxx
Just what I needed tonight.
I'm going to print it out and read it when I think I need him, think I'm lost without him, because I know deep down that I don't need him and far from being lost, in just finding myself and my strength.

I logged in earlier, DG41, I'm now 44! And it hit me, 3 long years it's taken to get here and I am not going back! I am not going back!
I feel replaced
I feel dumped
I feel left behind
I am not going back!
It's my promise to you all!
&#55357;&#56856;
I will get through this and he will be sorry.
I am going to be free of him, free to live my life
No baggage, no posow and her kids, no guilt, no shame.

You all know I did everything I could to save this marriage, and more, I have nothing left to give him, nothing else I want to give.
Yes it hurts like hell, yes that cloud of depression is hanging over my head but no more looking back, this is my time.

I didn't think I had a future that wouldn't have him in it, all our dreams, all our plans gone. Stuff that. I've already booked a holiday abroad next year with my daughter and my brother and his family.
**** him!

Wow! I feel so much better for that!!
DG
Xxxxxx


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Regret,

I don't think you'll get banned. Dig is well thought of regardless of his status.

DG,

Your WH is has been like a kite in the wind. Sooner of later he is going hit the earth hard and you are not going to patch him and put back in the sky.

You'll find love. Just keep pulling the petals off until you find the right answer.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

He honestly believes they were meant to be, that she's his soul mate.
He's become all spiritual and deep. He told me, you can't help who you fall in love with!!

She's needy
Clingy
Hangs on his every word
Makes him feel wonderful.
The last twice he ended it because she smothered him and wanted more than he would give her. 
Who knows, maybe it is true love, 
It makes me sick to my stomach.
X


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

daisygirl 41 said:


> He honestly believes they were meant to be, that she's his soul mate.


barf.

And what did he "honestly believe" each time he came crawling back to you? She apparently wasn't his soul mate during those periods of time, and she won't be again. 

Just be sure you don't make yourself available again to such a fickle cheater. He's not worth your time and energy, he's taken too much from you already. All you can count on with him is that you can't count on him. So count on yourself, your friends, your kids. Start focusing on your healing. Think of how you can help yourself move forward. Yes, you need some time to grieve, but you also need to realize that YOU need to be your focus in your healing process, not him or her. Take good care of YOU. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Be nice to daisygirl!!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Have 'the cheek' to divorce and move on.

There may be a guy out there who will rock your body and your heart. You cant meet him if you dont ditch serial cheater boy.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

hopefulgirl said:


> barf.


:iagree:

DG, dump this bozo's a$$ as quickly as you can, please.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

You guys are great.
You've really helped me today.
It's good to talk to people who don't know him and just get an honest point of view.
You are all so right .
I haven't got the finances to divorce him yet but the marriage is dead anyway.
I will never go back to him now.
My heart used to yearn for him, I don't even want to see him now.
He txts me and asks me if I'm ok. Cheeky ****ing bastard!!! What the hell does he want me to say!
I've never reached the anger stage before. I've always felt as if I was somehow to blame for what happened, now I know I'm not. This is all on him.
That good decent man I loved and cherished is no more. He's gone.
He's not going to hurt me anymore
Xx


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Your text back should be nothing. No response. As Dig said, he's a tool. The heck with him. Stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

daisygirl 41 said:


> You guys are great.
> You've really helped me today.
> It's good to talk to people who don't know him and just get an honest point of view.
> You are all so right .
> ...


Start by not replying, perhaps?

Also, you can probably get a consultation with a divorce lawyer contingent on the settlement. Make the WH pay for the divorce.

Do you live in a fault, or a no-fault state?

best,
-ol' 2long


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

NC as in no angry texts. No words of regret. Give him silence. Let him listen to that silence when OW is babbling about how he fills the needy holes in her body and soul.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You've had a very long and rough ride, but I hope that you will soon be able to take that cleansing breath and realize that he acts good and decent only when it is in service to his own needs. For some years, it was to his advantage to act good and decent with you. Now, the OW gets his good and decent self because it's what floats his boat at the moment.

This isn't genuine goodness and decency. It's pure selfishness. He has been willing to break your heart as long as he could indulge his own. His empathy for you is false empathy; it's really empathy for himself as he 'struggles' with 'what to do, what to do!'

Where I come from, your WH would be called a grade-A putz. He's not a hero in a tragic romance. He's just a run-of-the-mill selfish, selfish man who has thrown the people who love him under the bus.

I wish you the best, DG. You are strong. I don't think he can handle strong. He sounds like he needs weak and simpering. God save us.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

2long said:


> Start by not replying, perhaps?
> 
> Also, you can probably get a consultation with a divorce lawyer contingent on the settlement. Make the WH pay for the divorce.
> 
> ...


I live in the UK so it's different over here.
I believe that once we have been separated for a year I can just apply for a divorce. I'm not quite sure of the logistics to be honest.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am so sorry you are part of a club no one want to join. Anger is a step in your healing. It took me a long time to understand that. Doing something to get out, break a sweat make you tired is what you need to do. It will help. When you do get dark focus on the kids.

All my best


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> You've had a very long and rough ride, but I hope that you will soon be able to take that cleansing breath and realize that he acts good and decent only when it is in service to his own needs. For some years, it was to his advantage to act good and decent with you. Now, the OW gets his good and decent self because it's what floats his boat at the moment.
> 
> This isn't genuine goodness and decency. It's pure selfishness. He has been willing to break your heart as long as he could indulge his own. His empathy for you is false empathy; it's really empathy for himself as he 'struggles' with 'what to do, what to do!'
> 
> ...


You've absolutely nailed it my dear friend.
He hates it when I'm strong, he immediately becomes defensive.
He cannot cope with the truth and he has never taken responsibility for his actions.
He likes me to be weak and under his spell, like the OW, but I am not that weak person anymore. He wants me to need him, but I don't need him anymore.

It's a huge step for me not to txt him or to get dragged in when he's being nice to me. I really feel like I've accomplished something this week, however small it seems.
X


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Mornings are the hardest.
The minute my eyes open I think about him and instantly feel sad.
Then 7.30 on the dot the txt comes through asking if me and DD are ok and saying what a lovely day it is!
Blah.
**** him
Xx


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Mornings are the hardest.
> The minute my eyes open I think about him and instantly feel sad.
> Then 7.30 on the dot the txt comes through asking if me and DD are ok and saying what a lovely day it is!
> Blah.
> ...


Don't feed him any cake.. Let him have his lovely day somewhere that it doesn't interfere with your sanity. Just the fact that you wake up sad and he wakes up feeling lovely should motivate you to stay strong. I wonder what lovely things he texted his OW.. or OW(s).. wonder if it was about the weather. What a major dbag...


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## Caz867 (Apr 29, 2014)

daisygirl 41 said:


> He txts me and asks me if I'm ok. Cheeky ****ing bastard!!! What the hell does he want me to say!


I'd say he feels a bit of guilt maybe? He wants to sound honorable? Decent? This is all to make *HIM* feel better. I don't think he has real concerns about you. So unfortunate because from what I read, you've been trying to make your relationship work for quite a few years. So much hurt... I wish you the very best! Take good care.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> He txts me and asks me if I'm ok. Cheeky ****ing bastard!!! What the hell does he want me to say!


Hope you didn't respond. There is no point.


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## Luvmyjava (Feb 9, 2014)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Regret and Dig (shhh)
> I think I love you xxxx
> Just what I needed tonight.
> I'm going to print it out and read it when I think I need him, think I'm lost without him, because I know deep down that I don't need him and far from being lost, in just finding myself and my strength.
> ...


You could literally put my name on this post, and you'd think I wrote it.

It gets better when you make the choice to make it better.
My only advice, and it's a shallow one.... Put yourself out there.. Gain some self respect. See what it feels like to be pursued again, not rejected as we have. No need to throw yourself at anyone, but it most certainly wouldn't hurt to be part of a new hobby or interest.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Yup.

Anger stage means you are making it further along the path.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> You've absolutely nailed it my dear friend.
> He hates it when I'm strong, he immediately becomes defensive.
> He cannot cope with the truth and he has never taken responsibility for his actions.
> He likes me to be weak and under his spell, like the OW, but I am not that weak person anymore. He wants me to need him, but I don't need him anymore.
> ...


Daisy, it's really hard to see you struggle here. You've fought so hard these recent years, against all odds, it seems. Please, please, take the time to focus on yourself now, it's the only way you can regain and reinforce your strength and heal.

You've done all you can, and then some. You've got such a lovely personality, and I've always enjoyed your updates and support, you really don't deserve that anyone takes advantage of your positive mindset.

If I recall it correct, I believe I've adviced you to do a modified 180 in the early days - I think it's time for a hard 180, to preserve the Daisygirl we know here at TAM. I think you know in your mind, that it's the right thing to do - it's just that your heart is a little behind - please, Daisyheart, catch up! 

Take care DG.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Mornings are the hardest.
> The minute my eyes open I think about him and instantly feel sad.
> Then 7.30 on the dot the txt comes through asking if me and DD are ok and saying what a lovely day it is!
> Blah.
> ...



what a cruel man.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Oh my, you so neeed to go full 180 on donkey bullux, some piece of work him!!

Stay strong and get motivated to move on sweetie, get rid and go NC on him, respond sharp and only on kids and money matters, even then be abrupt with him and keep him at arms lengths at all times!

Best wishes

wranglerman :smcowboy:


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Hi Daisy, 

First, I am sorry for more pain you are feeling. You and I have been on this miserable road of infidelity for about the same time, and often you have supported me with your post. 

The reality is that once a 3rd person comes into a marriage it changes everything forever. It is a fact that each of us, being a ww or a bs goes down kicking and screaming, not wanting to accept that new reality. I do think we all try to make it fit, no matter how difficult, to put that sq peg into a round hole, we try w all our might, but, sadly, everything is different now, it's not the same, it seems it just wont work again. It is the hardest thing to get thur. 

But Daisy, waste no more time looking back, you gave it your all. You gave 3 years, I know what 3 years are like that you gave !!!! Start reading moving on books, uplifting messages...look back how fast our past 3 years went, how much we've gone through and how different we are from yr 1, imagine what year 6 will be like and how fast it will be here, so Daisy, dont waste another minute... You've done your part...

-sammy


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## Mrs_Mathias (Nov 19, 2012)

Hey DG… I'm thinking of you. <3 One foot in front of the other. Your future is waiting, and it includes happiness.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I live in the UK so it's different over here.
> I believe that once we have been separated for a year I can just apply for a divorce. I'm not quite sure of the logistics to be honest.


Hi Daisy - I'm also UK similar position to you but two years down the line - it does get better - chin up

These yanks on here  an "at fault state" ! I love it  IF ONLY over here

I'd have cleaned out mvstbx if that were the case here !

Look after yourself - make YOU the priority

When he wants to come back again (mine too) you now know how to deal with it

Onwards and upwards!


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Oh Daisy, I am so so sorry. But I think in the back of your mind you knew this day was coming. He never truly thought of you and your needs. He wouldn't do the big things like finding another job and he wouldn't do the small things like validating you when you triggered. I recall you mentioning that he said he felt detached. Now you know why. It was because he still worked with her and he truly never broke free. He could never reinvest his heart with you. But you are strong. You are resilient. You are confident. And those traits are what attracts quality people to you. You will thrive. As always you are in my prayers.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Just about keeping my head above water today.
It's a lovely spring evening. The kind of evening we would go to the beach and I'd watch him surf. He's out with her tonight, so guess he's at the beach with someone else.

I managed to drag myself out with my daughter and we had a lovely stroll on a more local beach. Glad I did that.

I Janis his FB password, I obsessively check it every couple of hours. He's got some private pics on there. Nothing to bad. I'm thinking of telling him I know the password so he can change it then I can't look.

Can anyone recommend any good books for letting go and moving on?

I'm going to a friends for supper tomorrow and I'm out for a bday party on Saturday. I'm making myself go.

She's just jumped into my shoes and moulded herself to what he likes.
It's pathetic.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Nobody writes angry BS songs like Fiona Apple. Here is one good one. May it give you strength.

Oops wrong song, I meant to post this one.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Sorry to hear DG. I wish you hasn't given him another opportunity to disappoint.

Cut him out of your life completely. No contact. Block his texts. He can only call to discuss your daughter. No personal chit chat. He DJ's not get to inquire how you are. You do not care how he is.

Move on by moving on.

He was never worthy of you for a single minute.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I'm so sorry DG. ((((HUGS))))


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

A nice to see some familiar faces popping up here.
Your support really means a lot me.
I feared I made a fool of myself, trying and trying to save my marriage, being let down again and again and going back for more.
I can't explain why I've done it. We have been through so much in 20 years and I truly love(ed) him with all my heart and soul. It's heart wrenching. Yes he is a cheater now, but he wasn't always, he did love me truly, I know that, somewhere, sometime it just all went wrong.
X


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

You are NOT a fool, he is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> A nice to see some familiar faces popping up here.
> Your support really means a lot me.
> *I feared I made a fool of myself,* trying and trying to save my marriage, being let down again and again and going back for more.
> I can't explain why I've done it. We have been through so much in 20 years and I truly love(ed) him with all my heart and soul. It's heart wrenching. Yes he is a cheater now, but he wasn't always, he did love me truly, I know that, somewhere, sometime it just all went wrong.
> X


In the eyes of many you are but not of course to those of us who have been in these muddied waters 

I can't explain to myself why I kept trying with mine too. I kind of knew I was pissing in the wind knew I was a fool but maybe like you, when I love someone, I want it to have every chance and the problem with that is that if there is no reciprocation of that love then lack of respect is what follows - in every case - and then they have their own inner 'green' light and that means the end, although taking time and causing considerable suffering, is sadly inevitable.

Then one day you will wake up and bang !! you notice the 'feel' of 'indifference' a lack of intensity about them and you kinda know this is actually a good thing and the first in a long line of steps that will lead you back to 'reality'

Annoyingly, as that progresses, you then have periods when you really do feel like a complete and utter idiot / fool for tolerating somebody who simply never deserved your love and trust ... and that's also when you find you now surprisingly have a lot less respect for them than they had for you !!

It is a long process but I have to say, a healthy one.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You have nothing to apologize for. So stop it!!!!!

No contact, right?

You are ready for this. You did all you can. Time for DG to make DG happy knowing that your STBXH is never going to be a part of happiness.

Do you realize how lucky you are? There are few times in a person's life when absolute clarity occurs. The pain can only be countered by the peace of knowing with absolute certainty that this man is no good.

What he was he is no longer.

You however are better than ever!!!!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Just a bit of a ramble, I need to get some things out.

So those of you who have known me a while will know how I struggle with the NC bit.

My marriage is over, I grieved for that a long time ago. He's with her now and I have accepted that. I'm hurt beyond belief. I still wonder if I blew it by putting to much pressure on him, but that's just me. He's with someone now who just wants to be with him and is happy to go along with anything he says and does. 

You're all going to gasp now, but we have two family things planned in July. A camping trip for my daughters birthday and a musical festival weekend with our boys. We are still going, and guess what, the OW is absolutely fine with it!!! Or maybe he just hasn't told her! Either way, I don't care, my kids happiness comes first, and they wil not be cancelled.

So as I said, I grieved for my marriage long ago, but (and I know what you're all going to say) the thought of never seeing him again or speaking to him is too much pressure on ME. I miss his friendship and his stupid ways. He makes me laugh (and cry). He was my best friend. 
The kids miss us speaking. I can see it in my daughters eyes. She doesn't understand why I drop her off outside his house and won't go in.
Why daddy doesn't come in our house for a cup f tea anymore. 
So there's not going to be NC. The lines were too blurred before for us to be just friends, now they are clear. We have both struggled with moving on and letting go. But we have no future together as a married couple. Does that mean we can't be friends? 

I'm very much a person who needs to know what's going on. If I don't, my anxiety worsens and I feel panicked. We had a txt conversation this morning. She stating over tonight, their going surfing in the morning. It stung for about 5 minutes, but at least I'm not sitting here wondering what's going on. I cope better knowing. It's easier than wondering and having my brain and imagination take over.

So to backtrack a bit. I txt him yesterday, said I'd like to see him. I called down yesterday when he was home from work and it was ok. We chatted and had a coffee in the garden. I took my daughter to the beach, he went shopping, then we had tea together, and that was that. 
When I don't see him, I idealise him in my head, I saw him yesterday and t was fine, I didn't feel much. I'm not in love with him anymore, but part of me will always love him. He's the father of my kids and despite everything, he is not a bad man, the things he has done over the last couple of years have been ****ty, but there's also been some good times between the bad also.

I know he's been torn between the two of us, I know he should have stepped up and put his marriage and his family first and he tried, as much as he could. He's never really put that much effort into anything. But at the end of the day, I don't want someone to be with me out of duty. I want someone to be with me because they are in love with me. 

There are a lot of things that have gone on in our marriage that I haven't shared here and maybe if I did you could all understand why I feel the way I do about him, but ultimately, isn't it best for all of us if we don't end up hating each other? Whats that teaching my kids? 
Is it better for them to know that mum and dad love each other as friends, but can't be together anymore, or that after 20 years we can't even sit in the same room (like my parents did).
They all know about her. But it's been explained to them not I anger but with love and honesty, and they're ok . They're ok, as long as mummy is ok. They've all seen me crying, I can't always hide it, they've cried, but we support each other. I don't want them damaged because of this. 

He's gone straight into a full on relationship with her. He's still damaged from all this. It's funny how I thought I was the one who would struggle on my own!, I'm not. I have no desire to be with anyone else until I am healed from all this, until I really know what I want. I'm free now, I can do what I want. He's just replaced me without healing, just to make himself feel better, I have no doubt he thinks he loves her, but in his own words "she makes me feel good'!
It's all about him.

Thanks for listening
DG
Xx


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Good post!

Do you feel too old for love?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

LongWalk said:


> Good post!
> 
> Do you feel too old for love?


Ha ha 
Absolutely not.
Have you seen me? I'm gorgeous!!!! 

Just got to get my mojo back.
No men for me for a while though thank you
Xx


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_ He's just replaced me without healing, just to make himself feel better, I have no doubt he thinks he loves her, but in his own words "she makes me feel good'!
It's all about him._

And for this reason, DG, what he has now will not last. You are moving ahead in a much healthier way. Berst wishes to you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Daisy, lots and lots of people have cordial relationships with their exes. The NC is something that helps you detach and can thus be the quickest, most reliable way to mend a broken heart. But if you feel better without the NC, then so be it. I believe your heart will mend on its own even if you continue to see him. It sounds like it's already happening.

Your WH has been too weak to stop his cake-eating & in the process has hurt you badly. It's hard to know if the weakness is borne of selfishness or the selfishness springs from the weakness, but one senses that they are intertwined and inescapable with him. Because of this, I fear that you have not seen the last of his waffling.

This is another reason that people here urge you to go NC. Everyone worries that he will discover, yet again, that she isn't all that, and he will be back at your door.

One thing I will tell you, Miss Daisy, you are young and vibrant. Your kind-heartedness and loving spirit jump off the page. We want nothing for you but the happiness you deserve. If you get that by not cutting the cord, then so be it. I hope you can really move on, though, at this point and find a life with less heartache. You never ever deserved that.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Remember cheaters rewrite history constantly.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I think you are doing yourself harm and continuing the confusion for your daughter by trying to suck it up and spend time with him as a family. Where are the consequences for cheating? You do not have to spend time with him because you have children.,, at least not on family trips for Christ's sake. 

I see co-dependence. 

You can't envision him not in your life and you are in some ways still ready to take crumbs so your daughter will feel better.

Think about that longer term... What message are you sending her? Be a martyr. Harm yourself for others. Don't believe that others will grow and thrive despite adversity and that only through your sacrifice will they be OK.

Your daughter will survive not having the two of you hanging out. Do you know why? Because not hanging out is NORMAL for couples who divorce, ESPECIALLY when one member of that couple CHEATED. he cheated on his entire family. 

How about your husband works on his relationship with the kids and you work on your relationship with you entirely apart from him?

You say you have done all the grieving and accept this. But I don't think you really have. 

How much propping him up have you done over your marriage? By keeping him in your life you are doing it again.

He wouldn't do the same for you. Obviously.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

PS You don't have to hate him to cut him out of your life. It is a practical matter.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

You don't have to hate him.. you also don't have to be his mom or his friend if you don't want to play that role in his life. Eventually he'll want to have his OW as his main squeeze, and sex with you on the side.. I can see it coming. She's not going to be enough.. the challenge is gone, you'll become the new challenge.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

The OW isn't in a position to make demands. If he is honest with her about the trip she will fear he will leave her and go back to you if she protests. You wonder if you asked too much of him and pushed him back to her. She fears for the same reason.

I agree there will be a time when he wants you to have sex with him, making you the other woman. That happens a lot around here. The women that do it then fear pushing them away again and become doormats. The guy when pushed by either party at this point chooses the OW because she has less right to be angry... In his mind. But she is plenty pissed. He will get the benefit of that anger later in ways he didn't expect. She cheated with him because of her own issues and those issues will come out in spades about this later. Bwahaha!

Anyway, stop propping him up. Chicken **** passive aggressives aren't born. They are made - first by their mommies and then by their wives.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Sorry Daisy but you're just feeding him imo. And you're feeding him large helpings of cake that he's sumptuously eating up.

Here's one son who needs his arse handed to him on a plate .............in slices.

I know its hard I really do, but I feel you actually will do yourself more harm than good. You imo really need to break this. A someone has mentioned it wont' be long till he starts wanting to shag you 'for old times' sake and I think desperately you'll take him on it thinking it will get back at om or get him back to you.

I think you need to see they won't last anyway you said earlier while he's having everything his way he's fine but at some point she will not let that be the case and then bang ! he'll be back knocking on your door 

I know we're all different Daisy but 'friends' ??!!. He's just like mstbx "surely we can be friends if only the children" 

My answer 

Fk that cos that gets YOU off the hook and my children will not grow up knowing you can cheat deceive betray your way through life and get off the hook . No way - mstbx now knows there are consequences - she has them for half the week she has two children who know what she's like and who she cannot hide from . Sure they've had to grow up quicker than most others but they know truth they know honesty and they know the difference between the opposites and actually I'm actually quite proud that they do.

Tbh Daisy I think you are still very much in love with him and it shows through every sentence. That btw is not a criticism just an observation. I feel you are too 'in the middle' still to be able to really make any important decision about it all. In time you be be better placed 

I know its really hard where you are now but don't lose your dignity and give him everything


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Clipclop and headspin
Thank you for your honesty on the situation.
You have both given me a lot to think about.

Co dependent was something I'd never heard of until I came to TAM and having read up a little on it I probably do have tendencies towards it. I had very little self esteem growing up, always felt like an ugly ducking, then hubby came along and swept me off my feet and made me feel like I was the most beautiful thing alive. For years we were one, rather than separate entities. We did everything together, no outside interests or hobbies, always together. I honestly feel like a part of me is missing.

Yes I am still in love with him. I amt just switch it off. And yes, much to my shame, the last time he was with her, I did become the OW. I then went on a date and he didn't like it at all. That's when he finished it with her again wanted to come back, and promised me the world. Within 2 weeks he'd changed his mind again, because I made demands on him, told him he had to leave his job, told him what I needed him to do, and he couldn't do it. We had a blow out and I told him it wasn't good enough and he went straight back to her, and this where we are now.

I won't be that OW again, I can honestly say that. 

I propped him up throughout the marriage. I supported him when he left the army and we were homeless, I supported him through college and university and went back to,work full time when my children were babies so he could get his teaching degree. He got his teaching post through my connections, and this is how he repays me. I feel like I've been left behind and he's just replaced me. That's one thing I feel very angry about. We struggled for money for years, and we've only been back on our feet a short while, both of us in fairly well paid jobs and now I'm broke again. All those years we struggled to get him through college so it would benefit us and he's never acknowledged it once.

You've both given me a lot to think about tonight, and I appreciate your thoughts 
Xx

Sorry if my post is a bit all over the place. Just typing as things come into my head .


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Your post is fine.

You may have been fragile and it may have seemed that he made you feel so much better but given the fact that it has been you all along that has propped him up, all we are seeing is that it was you who he needed all along. You meet his needs. He was happy.

That's why this kind of man has affairs. It is about his need to be propped up. It is difficult to do that AND not have resentment and the two world make it impossible for you to continue to be all cheerleader without showing any negativity. It is impossible to do. Nobody can do it.

Rather than recognize and gave that he didn't do everything to make you happy and that despite that you loved him anyway, he needed to feel perfect. He can't accept HIS failures. 

I really don't think you will become the OW again.

So... What are your interests and hobbies now?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Clipclop
You are right. When he looks at me now he feels ashamed and guilty for what he has done. I don't make him feel good anymore, she does, she bloody idolises him. It's absolutely all about him and how each of us makes him feel. 

I am still amazed by his actions. How can he possibly justify what he is doing in his head as being the right thing? He has turned into a selfish selfish man who doesn't care what anyone thinks about him. He was never that type of person before. How can he be happy with her knowing how much pain their relationship has caused? 

Anyway the weekend was ok, went out with some friends, got asked for my number!! He was a nice guy so I agreed and we have txt back a fore a couple of times. It's been a nice distraction to be honest. I might meet him for a coffee this week. I haven't decided.
Thoughts anyone?

My biggest problems at the moment is my anxiety. It's there like a constant reminder of the whole damn thing. I'm on a mild medication and I practice relaxation techniques. I also still have the obsessive thoughts about WH and OW. Not as bad as it was before but it's always there at the back of my mind.

What are my interests now?
Walking, reading, music, relaxing, my dog.. Also my children. When they are with me I feel whole. They give me so much pleasure. My DD is nearly 13 so she's at that testing point at the moment. Pushing boundaries and just being a teenager, but we have lots of fun together. My sons have been awesome. They are 17 and 20. Don't see much of the eldest but we txt and catch up when we can. We went for a lovely walk yesterday and he is such a sweet heart. Really looks out for me.

I have wonderful friends. They have been so supportive, I'm surprised they put up with me!!

I have a lot to be thankful for in my life. I'm trying so hard to stay positive at the moment, it's a bit of an uphill battle, still trying to let go, but I absolutely know for sure that I will never have him back again. It's my turn to feel,loved, cherished and supported. Something I haven't felt for a long time

Xx


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Headspin said:


> Sorry Daisy but you're just feeding him imo. And you're feeding him large helpings of cake that he's sumptuously eating up.
> 
> Here's one son who needs his arse handed to him on a plate .............in slices.
> 
> ...



I hear you loud and clear, and once again appreciate your frankness. You are right, I do still love him, but I am now beginning to see things much clearer and am feeling myself detaching, a little slow maybe, but I'm getting there.

I saw him yesterday, he was like the cat who got the cream, it made me feel sick to my stomach. He's living in a dream world. Rainbows, unicorns, the bloody lot! Knob!! 
Ha ha
Xx


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

He said 2 weeks ago that he wants to have a proper relationship with her now and do things right!!!
Funny how they're still hiding it from everyone then isn't it!!
Nobody knows in work, still sneaking around.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> He said 2 weeks ago that he wants to have a proper relationship with her now and do things right!!!
> Funny how they're still hiding it from everyone then isn't it!!
> Nobody knows in work, still sneaking around.




Now that is a coincidence 

Mine the same too they're 'together' but only a handful of people still know about it two years in !!

some 'together' that must be 

Maybe they got so used to sneaking around they feel a bit lost if they're not !!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Daisy - I will admit that I've found your situation one of the most perplexing on TAM. I think there's a literal army of TAM men who would be happy to be with you. Such is the positive force of your personality and heart. And yet, you have spent years playing 'pick me' with a man who is at once weak and egotistical. Do you think he hasn't had a great time being fought over by two women? Do you think he wants the ego gratification of that to stop?

Time for you to be fought over, Daisygirl. It's long past time. Forward focus now. Find someone new who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. H3ll, a casual date with a nice guy would offer a better experience than what you've been getting.

Your WH may have been your love, but he's now your booby prize. And she's his booby prize. Don't settle for that anymore. The one thing we would all love to read from you is that you have finally seen the light about your cheating husband. He has a cheating heart and you deserve a true heart. You really deserve it. You have to start believing that.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Oh, and just a question. 

Are you divorced? I don't think I've ever read that you are divorced. If not, how is it that he is having a 'proper relationship' with her? 

If you haven't done it already, get the D going. It will be a huge weight lifted


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Dear Daisy, I know you don't want to "dislike" him and don't want to think of him as a "bad man." But you admit that you do "idealize" him and obsess about him. So I think that FOR NOW, it would be good to focus on some of his less appealing qualities when thoughts of him come into your head, such as the second line of your original post in this thread:



> *He lied again*


In a year or two, when you're more detached from him, you can try to think of him in a more balanced way. But now, you're still being too nice to him in your appraisals of him, and that's keeping you too attached. This will get in the way of your moving forward, hampering YOUR healing. You really should remind yourself that HE LIED to you, repeatedly, whenever he told you he would do whatever it took to make things "right" with the two of you. That was a bunch of baloney, and he fed it to you again and again.

What a horrible thing to do to your heart!!

Yes, it's fine to be civil to one another, but there's no need for you to be buddies or pals now. You reserve that for people who are kind to you, who take care to keep from causing you pain and sorrow. He caused you trauma, grief, and deep emotional WOUNDS - and he did it repeatedly!! You need to remind yourself of this REPEATEDLY. Because the obsessive thoughts that are in any way longing for him need to be challenged immediately. Remind yourself right away -

*HE LIES.*

And you don't respect that, or need someone like that being close to you!! And however nice he was at one time, he CHANGED. Take charge of your thoughts about him. When you think about him with her, or about your good times with him, please quickly shift your thoughts to the REALITY of who he is NOW and remind yourself that HE LIES!! Make thoughts of who he is now ICKY, and practice limiting how much time you'll spend thinking about this person whose character is beneath yours. And then switch to thoughts of things you enjoy - your happy place, your kids, your favorite music or perfume, daisies, whatever. You have more control over your thoughts than you think.

You need to heal and move on and I know you can do this!


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## frank29 (Aug 22, 2012)

Hi Daisy have you tried Let Them Go by Morituri very good info


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

daisygirl 41 said:


> He honestly believes they were meant to be, that she's his soul mate.
> He's become all spiritual and deep. He told me, you can't help who you fall in love with!!


Cheaters say that kind of stuff to absolve themselves of guilt. If it was meant to be, if it was a God-given thing, then it can't possibly have been a thoughtless, hurtful, choice that they made.

You totally can help who you fall in love with. If you feel yourself falling for someone inappropriate (ie, not your spouse!) then you cut them out of your life.

Also, the sending you texts asking if you are okay? Same thing. He doesn't actually care about your feelings, he just wants to know you are okay, so he doesn't have to feel bad about hurting them.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

daisygirl 41 said:


> He said 2 weeks ago that *he wants to have a proper relationship with her now and do things right*!!!
> Funny how they're still hiding it from everyone then isn't it!!
> Nobody knows in work, still sneaking around.


He wants you to think he's learned a lesson, he's a better person now, more deep and mature. She's going to be so lucky. 

They're hiding it because affairs like dark places, once it's not an affair and it's out in the light, the excitement is gone.. no more thrill, no more rush.. 

FYI: Everybody knows at work.. if they work together, and they're cheating.. everybody knows. They just don't mention it to you or him or her.. but they talk about it to each other.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Cheaters say that kind of stuff to absolve themselves of guilt. If it was meant to be, if it was a God-given thing, then it can't possibly have been a thoughtless, hurtful, choice that they made.
> 
> You totally can help who you fall in love with. If you feel yourself falling for someone inappropriate (ie, not your spouse!) then you cut them out of your life.
> 
> Also, the sending you texts asking if you are okay? Same thing. He doesn't actually care about your feelings, he just wants to know you are okay, so he doesn't have to feel bad about hurting them.


The soul mate thing, how horrible and cruel to even tell her that. What kind of soul is that.. a soul that would say that to someone they know loves them so much. How awful. I bet she was his soul mate at one time.. he must think you just trade them in when they expire. Perhaps he just needed a darker soul to mate with this go round, wonder what his next soul mate will be like..


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Didn't you out their relationship when you learned of it? 

I think you are missing something about your h. He hasn't changed. He cares what people think. He is hiding this, remember? The change you are perceiving is solely on the surface. Deep down he has always chosen himself. And in the past those choices jived with doing the right thing. Lucky for him the right thing made him feel good about himself.... You know. All the way up to when it didn't any longer.

Regarding stuff to do... Maybe think about finding something really physical to do to burn off that excess energy. Lift weights. Climb rocks. Swing a hammer. Kick box. Sometimes I think they push relaxation on us when what we really need is to get good and physically tired... To feel the burn. 

The new guy...

I'm torn.

If he is really cool you might not be in a good place yet. But having someone around helps you move forward. Argh.

Can you join a club and hang out with groups while you heal? 

But you know, do what you want to do because I don't have any clue what is best. Your attachment to your husband will make this guy second and you will probably friend zone him as a result. If he isn't the friend zone type under normal circumstances then maybe defer getting friendly with him. If you know you are going to FZ him, be clear you aren't thinking of a relationship with him. But know he is thinking of one with you. 

Tough situation! Bummer to have someone interested in you though, huh?!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi all
Had a rough few days, had to come here today to read your posts to give me a slap across the head.

My moods are all over the place. I'm up one minute, happy to be free and away from all the drama, then I slump into a major low, almost paralysed anxiety and uncertainty.

I've been to the doctors, he's changed my medication so I'll see how I get on with them.

I met that guy for coffee, he was nice but I won't be seeing him again. Now I know for sure that I'm not ready.

I find myself wondering how in the hell WH can justify t himself that what he is doing is the right thing! I just don't get it. Where does this affair bubble come from that just excludes every sense and every reason, excludes the people who truly love you and care about you.

Next week is going to be tough. We are both (and OW) in education and we have never been apart during school holidays before. This will be the first one. I'm going to make some plans and keep myself busy.
Wondering if he's going to be spending time with her and the kids that he always said he didn't want to be a step dad too!!

You are right Clipclop, the A was outed 2 years ago by OWs H to their work colleagues. But since then we had our 18 month R so it's all a big secret in work again. Our schools have joint training tomorrow, they will both be there (I'm not) and a lot of my work colleagues now now about it, including our head teacher. It's made no difference though. They have even allowed to work together, go on field trips etc etc. we never stood a chance. 

How can I compete with a fantasy! With a woman who just worships the ground he walks on and makes him feel fabulous? I can't.

I was thinking the other day, I don't even think I love him anymore. I loved what we had, and I loved our little close family, but I don't love the man he has become, the man that could be so cruel and selfish.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Hang in there daisygirl, those fantasies have a way of turning real.. She can't compete with you, she won a booby prize.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> Oh, and just a question.
> 
> Are you divorced? I don't think I've ever read that you are divorced. If not, how is it that he is having a 'proper relationship' with her?
> 
> If you haven't done it already, get the D going. It will be a huge weight lifted


No we are not divorced, but I moved out 6 months ago.
Al I can say is that it is more financially viable for me not to divorce him at the moment. I don't want to go into details, but
I'm not going to lose out financially as well as everything else.

Oh a thank you for your kind post. My self confidence is rock bottom at the moment and yes, I still can't help feeling that if only I'd done things differently, this would never have happened. 
The thought of letting someone get so close again is frightening, alien, but I know in time I will feel differently.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

We aren't slapping you! We are loving you!

Look at your husband's choices in two ways, each of which makes sense on a primitive level: 

1. She makes him feel good. You make him feel bad. People tend to choose what makes them feel good. 

2. Actually, that's probably all there is to it.

Endorphins.

And get this through your pretty little head: she does NOT worship him. That's the biggest lie here. That is the lie that will bite him on the ass in time.

She is desperate.

She is afraid he will go back to HIS family.

She resents his back and forth thing.

Once the good feeling she is experiencing from his alleged choice of her wears off, as it will because she already has issues with self worth, she is going to begin demanding things of him. She will push him to divorce you. Marry her to make her somehow legit. Help pay for her kids. Not do things for your kids. If he thinks you make him feel guilty and pressured he is just gonna love when the real her comes out!!!!

I am really pissed that the school has done nothing about this. Great lesson to kids. Did you go to the school board? Do you have unions there?

I hate public education more and more.

Anyway... I hope you can hold onto the truth and alloe it to float you through this awful period.

You did everything you could do. But the most important thing that you have done is to say ENOUGH! He is forever tainted. You are someone your daughter can admire. A daughter needs to see mom have love, compassion and BOUNDARIES. No matter her choices later in life you will know that you demonstrated these important characteristics. 

I'm cool with hanging onto a marriage for financial reasons of it doesn't impact your psyche. I'm not sure how that is going to work with you. Bad enough you are in the same profession and have to deal with her. The longer you are married the more contention she will introduce into your private life. Remember, the ***** on wheels is lurking and will pounce. Your husband being the consummate *****, will take it out on you. 

Also, you are not really free to date while you are still married. There always stands the possibility that you will return to him and a lot of guys ding wasn't that kind of concern. Not do they want the drama of a pending divorce. If you find a knight in shining armor who digs that kind of thing, he will probably already be married or will not maintain interest after he has (in his mind) saved you.

Those aren't hard and fast outcomes, but they are real possibilities.

I also wonder how much remaining married will keep some form of hope alive in you.

Your future is too valuable to gamble with. 

Plus, you have guilt on your side. The longer you wait to firm up a deal with your H concerning a financial settlement the less his guilt will factor in your favor. And as I stated, the greater her negative influence will play.

Think strategically. Marriage is a matter of the heart. Divorce is all about business.


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## thekv1 (May 19, 2014)

Hi, just wanted to hop in here and tell you to stay strong.
I found out my wife cheated on me a few days ago and I know how ****ed up all this is.


daisygirl 41 said:


> Hi all
> My moods are all over the place. I'm up one minute, happy to be free and away from all the drama, then I slump into a major low, almost paralysed anxiety and uncertainty.


I'm sorry to hear this, my advice (if you want advice from someone who's also emotional and not really that stable right now ) is to try to exercise. It works for me for now...

Take care of your kids and believe you'll be happier one day.


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## johny1989 (May 21, 2014)

I am sorry for you.. but this is sounds like a poem..


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

How's it going DG?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi Clipclop
Thanks for asking.
Had a really bad couple of days, my mood has been very very Low.
My doctor has prescribed me different anxiety meds so I hoping it's just the adjustment in medication. But I just feel very tired and emotionally drained.

I have a real sadness in me. I don't blame myself for his affair at all but I know I could have done better in my marriage. I took his love for granted and at times, because of my low self esteem,pushed him away and didn't know how to let myself be loved. I carry a lot of blame on my shoulders at the moment, not from him, but from me. A lot of regret. I've lost the love of my life and to be honest it's devastating.

I know what he's done is wrong, I know how much he's hurt me, but I just feel so sad. I feel like I'm so stuck in the past and a, really struggling to move on.

I've been wondering why i cant get angry, why it don't hate him, it's because I blame myself. I have so much regret inside me and I can't seem to get past it. So much sorrow for what could have been.
I'm feeling very sad tonight.
X


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You sound like you are finally mourning. We always blame ourselves for loss. Sometimes we blame ourselves a lot, sometimes a little, but I think that the honest among us will always believe that we play some part in the things that affect our own lives.

I will confess to you that I am not a particularly religious person and believe that we only have the one life. This generates both fear and determination in me because I often need to remind myself to make the most of whatever time I have.

I hope that you can begin to look at yourself as the kind, giving person you are and focus that forward. He may be the love of your life, but there are many other kinds of gifts in life. I mention this often because I believe it, too - the TAM poster, the guy, says his mantra is 'I deserve good things.' And you do. From here on out, you deserve good things.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Thank you alte Dame,you have been with me throughout my journey.
Yes you are right, one life we have and I am so scared I am going to spend the rest of my full of regret and 'what ifs'. I'm trying so hard to fight against it though.
I have many blessings, I know. None more than my 3 wonderful children, without whom I really would be lost.
Thinking positive is such hard work at the moment though. It's so easy to be miserable and sad, but when I have my children around me, everything is so much easier.
X


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

So sorry you're feeling this way, DG. It's not unusual to get "stuck" in certain thinking patterns. I remember ruminating a lot early on when the trauma and grief were fresh - it's very hard to stop yourself.

However I do think that while it's important to let yourself "feel your feelings," it's also good to recognize when the rumination starts to take hold. While it's difficult to get the wheels out of the well-worn ruts, it's not impossible. If you let those wheels keep going round in circles, you get nowhere. You go over things in the past that you cannot change anyway, and you allow yourself to depress yourself even more. It's a vicious cycle. 

I think it's much healthier to write down counter-thoughts or affirmations (since they're hard to think of when you're REALLY feeling low) and refer to them when you're in a bad state. What you truly have control over anyway is NOW, and your future - not the past. Going over the past for minutes that turn into hours is punishing yourself. For what? For not being perfect? Join the club!! It serves no purpose. You won't gain any new insights, you won't change anything that happened. If you really feel you have behaviors you need to change going FORWARD, then start working on them. But the marriage is over and done with, and ruminating on that is only doing harm to yourself. 

Giving it SOME thought is one thing. But dwelling on it can become a problem. It's not only draining, but you're losing perspective. You can't get angry at him because you're putting so much blame on yourself. If not for the cheating (and I hope it's really true that you don't blame yourself), then for various problems that you are now focusing on in your marriage, which seem to you to be somehow overshadowing his cheating. That's just all out of proportion.

You wouldn't be OK with it if a friend was doing this to herself! You should be as kind and encouraging of forgiveness for yourself as you would be to others. Whatever you did that was less than perfect, it isn't worth going over with a fine tooth comb and berating yourself for now. You seem to have learned some lessons, and that's fine. Learning is good but ruminating on the mistakes YOU made in your marriage when HE was the lying, disloyal spouse just ISN'T a healthy, balanced way to be looking at things while you're trying to heal because you'll just bring yourself down. And you deserve to be happy.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

DG,

He is (was) one of the loves of your life. There is an entire world out there containing many loves, human and otherwise. Some are right in front of you but are obscured by sorrow and anguish. Some are in the past waiting to be rediscovered. Some are in the future just around the bend.

I do not believe in soulmates, I believe in the ability of humans to adapt and overcome all obstacles. When you met your husband he represented what your were looking for at the time. But he has changed and so too have you changed. What you want and need is not the same as it was then. Get yourself centered. Learn just who Daisygirl is. Discover new strengths and overcome old weaknesses. When you're ready you will find someone else who meshes with who you are now and who you'd like to be.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

bfree said:


> DG,
> 
> He is (was) one of the loves of your life. There is an entire world out there containing many loves, human and otherwise. Some are right in front of you but are obscured by sorrow and anguish. Some are in the past waiting to be rediscovered. Some are in the future just around the bend.
> 
> I do not believe in soulmates, I believe in the ability of humans to adapt and overcome all obstacles. When you met your husband he represented what your were looking for at the time. But he has changed and so too have you changed. What you want and need is not the same as it was then. Get yourself centered. Learn just who Daisygirl is. Discover new strengths and overcome old weaknesses. When you're ready you will find someone else who meshes with who you are now and who you'd like to be.


Yes. So well said.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Let her have him, he's proven how untrustworthy he is. 

You've been more than generous and wonderful giving him another chance, he should have been treating you like a queen for trying again. 

There are no marriage issues that justify having sex with other people. None. 

If you can be amicable then it is good for the kids.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> We tried again,
> He lied again,
> He's gone crawling back to the OW again.
> He did finish it with her, I saw the messages.
> ...


Sounds like a country song..


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Feeling better this week guys.
Much stronger and able to cope better.
I've applied for a new job. So fingers crossed!
Trying really hard to just concentrate on me and the kids and not be bothered about what he's doing. Trying to embrace my freedom xx


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Freedom is amazing. At least what I remember of it is.

I hope you get an interview for the new job! There is something invigorating about a new mission and meeting new people. Money is good, too.  

Keep track of where you are in month because you will be able to talk back to yourself rationally when you find yourself down coincidentally with your cycle. 

Feed your soul. Go places and do things. Show your daughter the world. This is a huge opportunity. The two of you can get in the car and run away for a day or a night or a week and not have to explain it to anyone. Check into a hotel with an indoor pool and a nightclub for when she is asleep. Treat yourselves!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

What a difference 3 weeks can make.
I really have turned a corner and just wondering to myself how I let him quietly control my life and my emotions for so long. Finally I am so glad to be done with it all.
He's really shown his true colours. I got asked on a date last week and he's been so mean to me you wouldn't believe it. I had a barrage of txt messages yesterday. What is his problem! He's accused me of sleeping around and trawling for men and all sorts. I've just tried to take it on the chin.

Onwards and upwards my friends xxx


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: We tried again....*



daisygirl 41 said:


> What a difference 3 weeks can make.
> I really have turned a corner and just wondering to myself how I let him quietly control my life and my emotions for so long. Finally I am so glad to be done with it all.
> He's really shown his true colours. I got asked on a date last week and he's been so mean to me you wouldn't believe it. I had a barrage of txt messages yesterday. What is his problem! He's accused me of sleeping around and trawling for men and all sorts. I've just tried to take it on the chin.
> 
> Onwards and upwards my friends xxx


He's acting that way because he can't exert control over you any longer. Just ignore his petty tantrums. Glad to hear you are feeling better about things. You will land on your feet. Good people always do.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yay!! success 

Put his number into your spam numbers. They won't show up ...they'll go into the spam folder which you have to check purposefully.

Great to hear you're doing well. I remember your story. We joined here about the same time. My marriage is also ending soon. lol 3 years. dang.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Yay!! success
> 
> Put his number into your spam numbers. They won't show up ...they'll go into the spam folder which you have to check purposefully.
> 
> Great to hear you're doing well. I remember your story. We joined here about the same time. My marriage is also ending soon. lol 3 years. dang.


Yes I remember you too. 
Hope you're ok.
What's been happening with you?

More tantrums this afternoon because I unfriended him on FB


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Nothing is happening. That is the problem. I just can't do it anymore.

FB is stupid. I got rid of mine a month ago and haven't missed it. If he's crying about being offended on FB, well...that's laughable to me haha.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I get the feeling that you finally, finally have turned the corner!

Your poor WH has been suffering so these last years with two women wanting the most vital pieces of him - his heart, his soul, and his c0ck - LOL.

How trying this has all been for him! How painful to try to juggle all of the emotions! How hard it has been to decide! And how could he really decide? I ask you, how could he possibly decide? The pressure, the pressure. We all feel so sorry for him. We can sense the existential crisis. We know that he is a tragic hero for all he has had to endure!

Not.

What all this has really been is ego-gratifying cake-eating.

He's a small man, daisy, with a small mind and a lying, cheating heart.

I'm SO glad that you will no longer be gratifying his ego. There are billions of people in the world. There are armies of more worthy men out there, I'm sure.

Go get one! I'll be rooting for you .


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

LOL! I've got a huge grin on my face over his reactions!! What a maroon!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I've been on 3 dates. He's bloody lovely!!
My ex has gone into melt down! Endless txt about how no one will ever love me the way he did, and we'll always have a bond blah blah blah!!

My emotions have been all over the place this week. He knows that I'm done and he can't handle it! In 3 years it's the first time he has had to face the consequences of his actions and he doesn't like it one bit.

I don't suppose it helps that my date is a hot surfer, 10 years younger than me!!!!! Lol


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Remove his contact number from your phone and move his shet to spam.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I don't suppose it helps that my date is a hot surfer, 10 years younger than me!!!!! Lol




You go, girl!!!!!!!!!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> You go, girl!!!!!!!!!


Ha ha!!
Bit scarey though!!!
I'm 44 he's only 34!!! 
Help


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Ha ha!!
> Bit scarey though!!!
> I'm 44 he's only 34!!!
> Help


My advice is show him why an experienced 44 yr old is way better than an inexperienced 24yr old


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I'd better get waxing then!!! Lol


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Way to go, D. Glad to hear that your ex is melting down. All of TAM is steering the karma bus, I think.

More important is that you are moving on. No, more important is that the new man is a surfer....No, more important is that he is 34. LOL. Have some fun - you have really earned it.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Precious! only thing wrong with it is it reminds me a little bit too much of the guys that say "when you replace your ex wife with some young hottie..." 

it's not the age . it's that you're attracted to them and they're attracted to you and you get along well. your husband would be acting like this if the guy were 60 years old and had a good job.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Clipclop!
He's got a good job too!! 
Ha ha .
It's all good. We are just going on a few dates and I'm having a bit of fun for the first time in ages. It's so nice to wake up in the morning to something nice to think about instead of worry and dread. I'm not counting on it being a serious thing, but I've read it before somewhere, nothing wrong with having a bit of a love affair to help with a broken heart. He's taking me to see Kings of Leon next week. Can't wait.
X


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Hehe aint karma a *****!:smthumbup:

I think you're about to find out in many ways, your hubby was not all you cracked him up to be...

sweet


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## frank29 (Aug 22, 2012)

Hi Daisy just be careful but have loads of fun and enjoy life its is the only one you have so treat it with care .you have had enough crap in your life so enjoy it 
Frank


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Thanks both.
It's only now that I am experiencing life again that I realise how much my H quietly controlled me over the years. He's still trying to do it, and is laying all kinds of emotional crap on me now. Trying to spoil this for me. He knew I was going on my date a few nights ago and he bombarded me with txt full off emotional BS. By the time I got to my date I felt like crap and just wanted to go home. I'm so glad I pushed through though, because despite of it all, I went on to have a really good night with someone who makes me laugh and feel wanted x


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Yeah, block his texts. Let him pick up the phone if he wants. 

Kings of Leon are great !


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Think of yourself as a bulldozer & every day is a big pile of stuff that you have to raze to the ground. Your H's sh!t is in that big pile. Bulldoze through and over him. Power through. Once you feel the strength, it will be hard for him to get the better of you emotionally.

(It is truly amazing, though, how some people can so brazenly dish it out but not take it.)


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> My advice is show him why an experienced 44 yr old is way better than an inexperienced 24yr old


I took your advice!!! :smthumbup: lol
Say no more
Xx


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

*Re: Re: We tried again....*



daisygirl 41 said:


> I took your advice!!! :smthumbup: lol
> Say no more
> Xx


Oh hot damn


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> We tried again,
> He lied again,
> He's gone crawling back to the OW again.
> He did finish it with her, I saw the messages.
> ...



What a dirt bag this guy is.....

I am so sorry for you <hugs>.

Divorce him already, if you aren't in the process of doing so. He is cheating on you and openly and still wants you to say its okay? That's beyond a scumbag.......this guy needs his ass beat!!!

When this OW 24 year old gets tired of his old butt, and finds a much younger, more fit and endurable man, he is so gone like yesterdays news. There is no way a young 24 year old woman, in her prime, will not eventually get a man closer to her age to settle down with. Hmmmm, built guy, say 30 years old, BAM, done. At 24, I bet she is quite experienced already and using his money or something else.

He can't stand the fact you are dating? We'll, he cheated openly......he can dish it but can't take it. Time to take it and eat his plate full because that's the only way he'd learn from his infidelity and when he meets another woman, not to screw her over as well.

You're 44 and he is 34? Good for you. I hope this younger guy rocks your world and hit all your buttons.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

What you say about the 24 year old women is not necessarily correct. There are women who prefer older men and carry that through their entire lives. the only thing we can say for sure in about this woman is that she doesn't have a moral issue dating a married man. we don't know how she spends money we don't know what her other issues are. But it does suggest that she has other issues. And those are the issues that will come to the fore as their relationship progresses.

And let's face it she didn't get exactly the most wonderful bargain in the world in his cheating ass. if anything were to break them up it will be their dysfunctional way of dealing with problems and their broken moral compasses. 

you live by the sword and you die by the sword.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

I'm glad you're happy now . I'm sorry your mate was a douchecanoe.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I remember when one of the first dates I went on with another BS. She was a little further along,bit not much.
We were sitting in my car outside a bar and both our phones started pinging with incoming texts from our respective Ex's They had both independently got wind of the outing and after a few minutes of awkwardness we started reading them out.

We laughed a bit at the desperation and lies and then sent a text saying " I am out and will deal with this later."
ping ping ping ping. 
Turned phones off..
You are not supposed to get on with your life. You are supposed to pine for him forever. 

*Live well. The best revenge!*


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

That must have been really cool and really satisfying... In a painful and intrusive sort of way, ing.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

My exes OW isn't in her 20s she's only a couple years younger than him.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

And yet she still couldn't find a loser... I mean, man.... Did I say that??? Man of her own.

She latched onto questionable goods.

It could work out for them. But whatever. You would never really know why it did. Longevity of relationship is not success as so many of us know from our to death did they part parents.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

How's the dating life going?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi everyone. Brief update.
My little love affair is over.vwas nice while it lasted but he wad just a little too young and a bit selfish, lol, but all good.

Hubby is still in crisis mode. Called in to see him yesterday to discuss a few things and he's really having some kind of mental breakdown. He literally sobbed for an hour. I always said he was going through some kind of MLC. He looks terrible, not eating properly. I don't know what to think.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He's starved for his cake, DG. He's wasting away, I tell you!

From the very beginning, it has sounded like your WH uses two women to feed his ego in just the way he needs.

I don't know about you, but this doesn't sound like the nobility of a tortured soul. It just sounds sordid and selfish.

Are you doing better being on your own? Lord, I hope so. It seems like your WH is a weak man who will plague you forever if you let him hold on to your heart.

I hope you will 'just let him go.'


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Hi everyone. Brief update.
> My little love affair is over.vwas nice while it lasted but he wad just a little too young and a bit selfish, lol, but all good.
> 
> Hubby is still in crisis mode. Called in to see him yesterday to discuss a few things and he's really having some kind of mental breakdown. He literally sobbed for an hour. I always said he was going through some kind of MLC. He looks terrible, not eating properly. I don't know what to think.


Gee, I wonder why his soulmate (barf, gag!) isn't making it all better?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Don't do it


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

why on earth were you with him listening to him wine for an hour?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: We tried again....*



clipclop2 said:


> why on earth were you with him listening to him wine for an hour?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, did you ask him if he wanted some cheese with his whine?


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## Cleaver Brooks (Jan 19, 2014)

'call me when you're done crying..... click'


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

For those not following the reconciliation thread, DG is walking back into this mess again.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I saw that DG is letting him back in.

DG - Please, please, guard your heart!

Do not turn a painful experience in your life into a lifestyle.

He is very predictable. This will be lather, rinse, repeat unless YOU make it different this time.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Alte Dame
You know I always appreciate your input, and despite what Clipclop has said I am not walking straight back into the mess again (it's ok Clipclop, I know you're just looking out for me xx)
We are talking and spending some time together. 
We have scheduled MC.
Im not dull, and I truly know how this looks from the outside, like I'm a doormat, that just wants to be hurt, but that's not the case. Ok, I love him, despite everything, that's just the way it is. There is a hell of a long way to go to even to begin to fix any of this, I don't even know for sure that I want to, I don't even know if he's up to the job, we'll have to see, there's no rush.

It is what it is, and I know a lot of you don't agree with me, but, respectfully, it's my life. I've had a troubled marriage for a couple of years, and yes it's been so tough at times, but this is my decision.
I'm just taking it a day at a time


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Can't you love him from afar? 

You dated and he didn't like that. Once he tamps you back in place his impetus will disappear.

You moved along so far and darling, you are going to have to cover that ground again. I can feel it in my bones...

I rally think you are letting your heart over rule your brain.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think most people who followed DG's story aren't surprised. But it's her life and all we can do is triple cross our fingers things turn out the way she wants and that there's not another thread down the road with the same title as this one. Some people change. I hope he's one who can.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I was quite surprised actually.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Daisy - I understand loving him, and I understand wanting to make it work after being together so many years. But my concern is that someone who could do what he's done to you over the course of three years doesn't just "shake it off" and become all nice and wonderful all of a sudden. He has said that he was ready to come back to you for good before, and he didn't, so you KNOW that just because he says he means it this time, that means absolutely nothing, right?

I'm not telling you that you shouldn't try again. But I do want to say that that in my opinion - coming from someone whose husband had mild mental health issues before his affair and I just didn't see that they were gradually escalating - I think you should seriously consider the possibility that there is some mental health thing going on with your husband. Possibly something medication might help with, possibly a personality disorder, possibly both - but if you want look at what your husband has done to you as something other than "evil" then you might want to consider that he's not been well. Or as my husband put it, wasn't in his right mind.

Not that it's any excuse - it is NOT! - but if it turns out that there IS some mental health condition or conditions, and if he is willing to get medication or counseling for his problem, it helps to EXPLAIN the behavior. Explain is very different from excuse! And it only helps. It in no way heals you or repairs a marriage.

I tend to think that someone who behaves the way he has over the last few years, doing what he did to someone as sweet as you are, is either a really bad person OR he truly does have some sort of mental health problem.

MC is not generally the place to ESTABLISH if he has such a condition. They don't usually diagnose one of the partners there; in fact, some MC's try to avoid getting into that sort of "one of you might be mentally ill" discussions (they WILL want to know if either of you already has been diagnosed, but that's a different matter). 

So this may need to be a separate conversation - that might begin with the symptom of complete lack of empathy for your feelings while he lied to you again and again. The lying was bad enough, but he knows you well enough to know how it would destroy you, and yet he did it - and did it again and again. How could he do that to you? And do it again? And again? What enabled him to cut off any feelings of care and concern for YOUR feelings, repeatedly, over the course of three years, after having been married so many years? Could it be a personality disorder or a mild depression or anxiety disorder of some kind? Or even bipolar, which can be mild too? Three years is a LONG time to go back and forth like that.

I think that if he's REALLY sincere about wanting you back in his life, he should be willing to leave no stone unturned, be willing to take a hard look at himself, be willing to be humble and consider the possibility that HE has some internal problems that led him to treat you the way he did. I personally don't think a really mentally healthy person can do such things.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> I was quite surprised actually.


You've probably followed her story more closely than I have but I based my theory that she would try again on her past pattern. It's not always a prediction of future behavior but it often is. I felt the addiction to him was just too strong.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Did he totally end it with OW?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Serial cheaters never change. Don't put yourself through another false R.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Daisy, you seem to be tragically in love with him & he seems to be tragically in love with himself. His needs are paramount to you, as is correct in an unselfish, committed love. But his needs are paramount to him as well, which is not correct.

I will send you vibes from all these miles away that this time he really looks at you and sees what he needs to do to deserve you. Some people wake up. Perhaps he will. I wish that for you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Can't you at LEAST date him FROM SEPARATE HOMES?

Whatever.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He will not wake up because he has never had a sufficient chastisement.

I would put money on this.

Past that I couldn't take him back after he has had sex with another. I would wake up one night and strangle him for all he has done. I can't think of s single quality that would make a man worth taking back after being played again and again whole he gets to duck some ho.

Seriously.

You aren't in love DG. you really ARE addicted. Only an addict keeps doing things that are harmful like this. He is your drug of choice. You are powerless. Don't claim otherwise. Nobody walks into a lion's mouth. There is nothing in this for you except to quiet some insecurity within you.

If anyone needs to look into underlying conditions it is an addict. 

Has your husband done this to you? Could be. Drugs change the brain. I cannot see how being cheated on repeatedly and abused would not do the same. Regardless, I strongly believe your brain has been altered by this negative experience and the simplest solution is to take him back. It isn't the easiest. But it is the path of least resistance. Why?

HABIT.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Alte Dame
> You know I always appreciate your input, and despite what Clipclop has said I am not walking straight back into the mess again


So you are NOT moving back in with him (or vice versa)?

You are NOT seeing or talking to each other every day?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Doesn't an addict say things like not using full time like they were shows that they are in control of the drug and not vice versa? Only on weekends. Not every day. I know I have to be careful. I don't want to end up like that again. I'm stronger/smarter/faster/wiser now. It can't fool me again. I'm not like that. Don't insult my intelligence. I can see what I'd going on...

Bargain, bargain, bargain.

I really didn't see this coming. I thought DG had made it out of the danger zone.

But staying in contact with him didn't allow that. He is the devil. His influence is so strong just vapors rising from him can return her to an active user.

I'm very scared for her. She does not know best any more than any other addict knows best when it comes to keeping their drug off choice in their life.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Tunera, what if it only every other day? Once a week? How long will it takes before that increases? Before he beds her again? Before she is back on her with her first post again?


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Let's all try to be understanding and gentle. DG is a wonderful woman and a great person who has gone through heck. I am just as dubious as the rest of you and I know DG also has her doubts. If this is just one last try so she can move on with no regrets then I can see the motivation. She still loves him even after all he's done to her. But we all have our breaking points. Let's make sure we haven't alienated her so she can come back for support when she reaches her's.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Bfree, really? One last chance?


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: We tried again....*



clipclop2 said:


> Bfree, really? One last chance?


It's not our life. You probably would have had enough by now. Turnera probably would have been done. I know I would have been done a long time ago. But we aren't her. I just don't want to have her be hurt by our comments.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bfree said:


> Let's all try to be understanding and gentle. DG is a wonderful woman and a great person who has gone through heck. I am just as dubious as the rest of you and I know DG also has her doubts. If this is just one last try so she can move on with no regrets then I can see the motivation. She still loves him even after all he's done to her. But we all have our breaking points. Let's make sure we haven't alienated her so she can come back for support when she reaches her's.


Which is why I am saying - why can't you 'see' him from another home, and only infrequently? What's the rush? Why not enjoy your new stress-free life where no one is controlling you, and only see him every now and then? 

What's the rush?

And for that matter, can you explain how you've 'changed,' or 'grown,' or developed new skills so that he can no longer make you feel bad, or guilty, or shamed, or obligated? What have you done so that doesn't happen this time?

And if you haven't done it, _*why will this time be any different*_?

I WANT you to be happy. Even if it's with him. But ONLY if you've really done long-term, STRONG, effective, WEEKLY therapy since you left him, to learn all about the crap that made you vulnerable in the first place, and did the long-term hard work to CHANGE that part in you that allowed it. Because this isn't about HIM - it's about YOU and why you allowed it in the first place. You're the only one with _the power to walk away_ from him the first time he blames you for his anger or criticizes what you did or guilts you into sex.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

DG, 

I've been through 3 reconciliations in the past with my Ex-wife.. Hindsight being 20/20... I think she had one affair and was kicked to the curb that I never knew about and then started the first one I caught her on.. 

Then there is one my deceased brother might have seen something and mentioned it to my mom.. My brother might have confronted her or something in the street or store and she might have cut this guy loose ASAP. My mom pretty much told him not to say a thing.. I discovered this out from my mom a few months back.

So 3 reconciliations, and 5 EA/PA.. The last one she kicked me to the curb. 

You would think after all this bullsh!t she put ME through, you think she would take one for the team so to speak.. You think it would be her turn to sort of forgive and forget.. To be the stronger person and fight for our marriage.. 

Sadly she didn't.. She tortured me emotionally for 4 months before she finally left.. I have never been the same since... 

I never cheated on my wife and have turned down requests.. My story is in my signature labeled mymistake..

I wish I could tell you I was abusive or was a drunk or cheated or something.. The best I can tell you I was on the computer a lot.. But she never once complained.. But we still went out.. I still helped my kids when needed.. I still worked mon to fri and Overtime to support my family.. 

I told my wife I loved her every day and we made love/had sex 2 to 3 times a week and that was up until I caught her. During our Fake reconciliation it was even more.. 

It took me almost 2 years ( Sept 2012 was 1st D-Day, Dec 30 2012 was 2nd D-Day ) of Therapy and talking and posting and crying on and off and finally to meet someone who through all my sh!t can see the good man inside me to realize I am better off without my Ex-Wife..

I know what you're going through. Some of us not only need to get burnt by the match, but need to get scared by it as well to understand.

What I can tell you is he and you need to be willing to go through therapy for years.. Just don't do 12 months and think your fixed.. Even when the therapist tells you *" Look, you guys are done here just keep doing what you're doing and things will be fine"*.

Request a meet every 1 or 2 or 3 months at most.. This will be the neutral ground where you both can say something or let something out without fear.. At least if something is going on in his head he might be able to tell the therapist and then the therapist can tell you.. That is something the MC told me and my Ex.. Why didn't you call me if you were feeling this way.. I would have called your husband, we would have figured this out.. You didn't need to do this.. 

Out of sight, out of mind I guess.. 

Trust me with everything that my Ex did to me, I still loved her. I couldn't see my life without her.. I truly wanted to end my life back then.. And yes I do have kids.. I just didn't care or think about them at that time.. 

But today as crazy as that all sounds.. I am a better but changed man from it.. But nonetheless, better I think.

I'm fortunate in the sense my boys wanted to be with me and live with me. So it is very much a role reversal here.. Who knew.. I never expected it.. 

What I can tell you is I have met women who are younger, better looking and make more money than my Ex does or did.. The other thing is they are begging and look for someone who understands commitment and loyalty. For a women they hold a lot of control here because men in their late 30s to 40s are looking for the same. I think eventually everyone gets it, even the ones that wanted to be single all their lives.. 

The simple reality is if everyone wanted to be alone, we would have never built these towns and cities.. We wouldn't congregate together like we do..

The biggest part of all of this is that time between the Ex leaving and settling in with yourself and being alone.. Again I know it.. For 20 years I was with my EX and I was very, very, co-dependant on her.. 

I hope this all works out well for you and your husband.. 

But if it doesn't take it from me, no one will ever be able to say you didn't try.. You did more than your share here.. 

Keep posting and good luck..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hardtohandle said:


> What I can tell you is he and you need to be willing to go through therapy for years.. Just don't do 12 months and think your fixed.. Even when the therapist tells you *" Look, you guys are done here just keep doing what you're doing and things will be fine"*.
> 
> Request a meet every 1 or 2 or 3 months at most.. This will be the neutral ground where you both can say something or let something out without fear.. At least if something is going on in his head he might be able to tell the therapist and then the therapist can tell you.. That is something the MC told me and my Ex.. Why didn't you call me if you were feeling this way.. I would have called your husband, we would have figured this out.. You didn't need to do this..


Print this out and keep reading it. Every day. NEITHER of you is fixed in only a year of therapy, if you even went that much. And I KNOW that HE didn't. So he will be exactly what you used to suffer from.


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

Wow...i don't get why people waste money and time on long-term cheaters, you got what you were asking for, i have no sympathy for people who stay with cheaters, kids are not a excuse for staying. 99% of time cheaters will be cheaters and will never change. 

I am so tired of reading of R's where the woman is the victim. The man can lose house, kids and money for sure, but what about the woman? You get to keep the kids, most of the times the house unless there was a agreement made before the marriage, and mostly she will drain the man out of finances as much as possible.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Addictions are obviously very difficult to break. Especially when it's to a person who is telling you they have changed. Have they actually? That's always the question. The odds are they have not because change is hard for most and impossible for some. But the hope they have changed is always there for the person addicted to them. Which is probably where DG is. Will she get her heart broken again? It's certainly possible. Maybe even likely given his past. It wouldn't be my advice to take him back. There are many times I shake my head at the decisions posters make. But then I remember it's their life and not mine. It's hard to live an unhappy life and so they keep thinking things will work out. Sometimes they do. Maybe this will be one.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: We tried again....*



daisygirl 41 said:


> I've been on 3 dates. He's bloody lovely!!
> My ex has gone into melt down! Endless txt about how no one will ever love me the way he did, and we'll always have a bond blah blah blah!!
> 
> My emotions have been all over the place this week. He knows that I'm done and he can't handle it! In 3 years it's the first time he has had to face the consequences of his actions and he doesn't like it one bit.
> ...


Daisy, I just wanted to remind you of this. Until you started dating he was content to play with your heart like a Rottweiler with a chew toy. Then he verbally abused and harassed you once he saw you moving on. He even accused you of "trawling for men on dating sites." Are you quite sure his motivation here is not just trying to reel you back in? I'm very concerned that once he gets his hooks back into you he's going to start treating you badly once more. Just please think about it and don't open your heart so quickly. We really do care about you.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> Just got home from work. Nicely enough, Dig has the night off from patrol and we're going to enjoy a nice evening. That said, I understand I will probably get banned for this, but it's okay. Someone has something to say via our tablet.
> 
> "Daisy, you know what we need and it ain't f'ng this. This dude has lied to you now time and time again. His f'ng remorse button has the worst short in it I've ever seen and you suffer for it. Guess what sweetie? They ain't all like that. Not every wayward spouse is a puke. Some of them get it and a lot of them don't. It sucks moose balls cuz you're a cool chick who deserves a ton better than what you've gotten the past few years. Let that idiot go and see that the f'ng grass is only green where you water it. I guaranfngtee you that when you're gone from him and living a happy life, karma is gonna slam it's bus into his backside. He's gonna understand a little saying some guys have: Yeah, she's hot but some guy out there is sick of her sh_t.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Alte Dame
> You know I always appreciate your input, and despite what Clipclop has said I am not walking straight back into the mess again (it's ok Clipclop, I know you're just looking out for me xx)
> We are talking and spending some time together.
> We have scheduled MC.
> ...


*"We tried again,
He lied again,
He's gone crawling back to the OW again.
He did finish it with her, I saw the messages.
He told me he loved me and would do everything to make it right.
Two weeks later he's back with her and it's gone full throttle.
He can't face the truth, he feels totally justified in what he's doing and he doesn't care about anyone but himself.
He has the cheek to txt me and ask me if I'm ok,is there anything I need or want,just to keep me hanging on.
3 bloody years ve been doing this, 3 heartbreaking years.*

Just posting a reminder of who he is.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> Bfree, really? One last chance?


no doubt!

how many "last chances" do you give a person that continues to cheat, disrespect, lie and manipulate you? 
fool me once. . .


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

cool12 said:


> no doubt!
> 
> how many "last chances" do you give a person that continues to cheat, disrespect, lie and manipulate you?
> fool me once. . .


Until they cut you lose, and then you don't realize it until a year has gone by that they should have been chasing you and not the other way around.. Only then do you realize that it wasn't you that wasn't worthy of the relationship it was them.. 

But until then you walk around saying that god my saint of a spouse is giving me another chance to show them I am a worthy of their love and affection.

In the end its just simply wanting what you can't have.. This is why those that have the courage and balls to act tough win in the end..


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

It really is that isn't it...

You claim you are giving them one more chance but in reality it is YOU who are getting one more chance... Because it is YOU who needs to be rescued by the wayward's love... To be told you are good enough... 

No matter how many times you tell yourself you are giving HIM one more chance it really is the other way around... Only he isn't being honest DG. You have no more chance this time than the last or the one before that. He cannot ever see you as a human being because in order to live with himself he must see you as an object or a tool or a pawn. His emotional black hole trumps everything else. And you know how he deals with things.

No. I will not sit here and tell DG that she knows best. This is her life and she will scree it up as she pleased but I do not have to talk all supportive and PC while I see her make another huge mistake with the limited time she and all of us have on this planet.

How can you choose to see and believe what you want to see and believe when you know the pattern?? 

He is not going to rescue you from feeing bad about getting cheated on and left! He is just going to do it again! How the hell is that going to feel? Jesus woman!!! Save yourself! If I could do it for you you know I would. This is your life so get control over your emotions and get this man out of your life!


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

If he isn't "in his right mind" and doesn't get help, his instability may continue until he gets treatment. MC suggests there's a problem with "us" when in fact, it looks from the outside like a much bigger problem lies within him. It may be personality based, but depression is also extremely common and underdiagnosed - and often confused with MLC.

According to Dr. Charles Raison, Psychiatrist, Emory University Medical School:

_The concept of "midlife crisis" has been a staple of popular culture for years, and yet the best recent research seems to suggest that it might not exist. This doesn't mean that people -- your husband most likely included -- don't go through rough times in the middle years of their lives; it only means that there does not appear to be a classic condition unique to middle age, nor does arriving in middle age strongly predict the development of a "crisis."

On the other hand, depression is a well-recognized and dangerous disease condition.... Men appear to become more vulnerable to depression as they age._


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

My own belief is that a mid-life crisis is really just the common experience that people of a certain age have of confronting, for the first, very difficult time, their own mortality. Most people these days begin to experience things like the death of a parent, the illness and death of friends, the empty nest, their own life-threatening illnesses, etc. when they are in their forties and fifties. These can be shocks that result in unpredictable behavior.

So, to me, the 'mid-life crisis' is just an accident of timing. The crisis is really the emotional reaction to the sure knowledge of our own aging and death.

I don't recall that there was any trauma in DG's WH's life that qualifies him for a bona fide crisis - and if there were, his cheating would never be an OK reaction. I think he is a blatant cake-eater who comes back around the minute DG looks like she might be moving on. She starts dating and he's back asking for another shot.

I agree with bfree, though, that she has to find her own end to this. For someone as kind and loving as DG, I am hoping that this is just a terrible phase of her life rather than a permanent lifestyle choice.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Morality does not disappear at mid life. The only crisis is the one he created.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

What news, DG?


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Daisy, just do what I did...Hand him over on a silver platter completely...It's her turn now to go through the hell of living with a loser. He is a narcissist. You are not. You make sure you win big so you can enjoy the rest of your life...Look at him, she doesn't know yet that she doesn't have much to look forward to. That's the future she doesn't know yet that she won't want.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Hi, DG. I rememeber you from when I joined...we joined around the same time.

Like you, I'm also in the same mess. and inch from done. I just have to figure out my ducks. Emotionally though, I'm done.

I do not think things will get better. The pattern is the same...like with my marriage. Words are cheap, actions SCREAM.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

TG, you are who reminded me we haven't heard from DG for a while.


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