# Can I re-connect after Emotional Disconnection



## Wideopn Dave (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi,

I have been with my wife for 23yrs and married for 19yrs. We have a 17yr old daughter. Over the years, my wife has had a few serious flirtations with men including suggestive text messages but until December last year, there had been nothing physical with any of these men.

After the last incident 6yrs ago, we saw a councilor and i felt we had made great progress in becoming closer. Last year while i was away on business my wife brought her karate instructor home to our house and they were in the process of getting to have intercourse when my daughter arrived home and disturbed things. 

My wife begged my daughter not to say anything promising that she would tell me but didnt want to ruin Christmas.....finally in February, i found out by accident and it was devastating because our relationship had continued as normal....I was completely unaware. 

Having found out I was gutted and initially said i wanted a divorce because I couldnt cope with the whole thing but here's the thing, I love my wife.

We have sought councilling and last week my wife had 3 one on one sessions with the councilor. In a nutshell, the councilor unearthed that 17yrs ago, after my daughter was born, my wife disconnected from me because of something I did; she had a difficult delivery and an Espisiotomy which was very painful for her. I pushed her back into sexual intercourse too soon and that is apparently what caused her to disconnect feeling that i had no empathy.

I am devastated by this knowledge because i would never intentionally hurt my wife in this way. The councillor told me on Monday that because of this disconnect, our marriage is done.

I cant believe that and am desperately trying to find out whether i can do anything to try to re-connect the emotional part that my wife says is missing; this is what she seeks in these other men.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Because of an episiotomy? Thats the biggest load of garbage! And what self recrimination does your wife admit to regarding her lack of ability to say, OUCH!

If she says that she is done, you have to stop trying to make it work. From that moment on, anything further you do comes across as desperate and that isn't going to get you anywhere positive but will lower any bit of esteem she has for you at this point. What kind of woman tried to enlist her own daughter into keeping her affair secret? And just what has that experience taught your daughter about relationships, about integrity, about ethical decision making? She put your daughter in a no win situation and that was monstrously wrong!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your marriage. You may feel like this is the end of the world, but it's not. You wife sounds like a real gem, NOT! Imagine how much happier you'll be when you find a woman who really does want to be with you!


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

I agree with everything Anon says here. Move on. You can be happy again.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Damn I hate this... Going on your initial post about your wife disconnecting. It was 17 years ago and as already stated surely a wife in pain would (if they knew you) have said something, if it was only, that hurt a bit, perhaps we could do something else until that stops or something to flag up an issue. No loving partner seeks to have sex after a difficult delivery knowingly to hurt.

the other issue is about your wifes playful nature. I dont want to be the one but are you sure that your daughter is yours then? 

It appears that your W is blaming you for loads of things especially the reason for disengaging, yet there are loads of threads in this that need to be tied up and soon

Some very direct questions are needed here especially if shes been playing around and still having some sexual contact with you. I suspect the blame shift is to lay a reason so that your daughter, who caught her has a reason for her mothers infidelity....


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

i'm sorry your having to go through this. This is the HARDEST relationship issue to overcome. If she hated your guts you had a better chance. To be honest you have the slimiest of hopes to make this work.

step 1 is get a separation started. get her out of the house.

second. work on you and your kid/s. get out of the house, reconnect with some friends, pick up a hobby, STAY BUSY.

3. start the The Healing Heart: The 180 
learn it. live it, stay strong, and stay away.

IF you can do these things you MIGHT have a chance of her coming back. You need to do something drastic right NOW.
Begging, pleading, or getting emotional with her is the LAST thing you should be doing, I know it feels counter intuitive, but its your ONLY hope.

This is a very slow process too btw, it could take a few months to a year, if you stick to the plan. Prepare yourself for a journey in self discovery, change of lifestyle,
and a lot of introspection and guilt/hate/depression. But stay focused on what you can do for yourself, not what your wife is doing, that will only make things worse.

It might be better to move on anyways, but theres a certain degree of satisfaction in knowing you tried everything before you just walk away I guess.


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## Playing Catch-Up (Apr 8, 2013)

I'm a year down the path of trying to reconnect with my wife so I know how things are for you right now. It it a tough situation and you should know that at least emotionally it will probably get worse before it gets better. Also the more you talk things out, which is the right thing to do, the more you might find that the whole process is more difficult than you thought it could be. I would be skeptical of any counselor who explains something like an A by saying "it was this one thing that happened 17 years ago." It really doesn't work that way. Your wife may have explained it that way to herself or in counseling but it really doesn't work that simply. But counseling is good so keep at it if you find this counselor works for you, but also be aware there are plenty of counselors out there. Good luck and be sure to take the good advice from experienced people on this site, one of my regrets is not having found this site a year ago.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There is no doubt that an episiotomy can be difficult to heal from. And, yes, sex can hurt for a long time after one.

But I find it very difficult to believe that was the cause of a complete disconnect. Especially if she didn't mention it at the time.


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## Wideopn Dave (Apr 11, 2013)

Playing Catch-Up said:


> I'm a year down the path of trying to reconnect with my wife so I know how things are for you right now. It it a tough situation and you should know that at least emotionally it will probably get worse before it gets better. Also the more you talk things out, which is the right thing to do, the more you might find that the whole process is more difficult than you thought it could be. I would be skeptical of any counselor who explains something like an A by saying "it was this one thing that happened 17 years ago." It really doesn't work that way. Your wife may have explained it that way to herself or in counseling but it really doesn't work that simply. But counseling is good so keep at it if you find this counselor works for you, but also be aware there are plenty of counselors out there. Good luck and be sure to take the good advice from experienced people on this site, one of my regrets is not having found this site a year ago.


I'm also not convinced that this is the sole reason for the disconnect. I'm not even really certain that the disconnect is not being used as a justification for her inability to restrain herself, I should clarify that the most recent incident was the worst in terms of how far it had advanced but my wife swears that they had not actually consumated the act but were about to when my daughter came in.

I have to give her the benefit of the doubt and in regard to all the previous occassions, it was inappropriate sms content and flirtation which i felt was not acceptable for a married woman.

I have to be the bigger person and try to save the marriage but there are many times when i question myself and my motivation for doing so. I had asked her to leave but her financial position doesnt permit her to go it alone. She works as a personal trainer but her expenses exceed her income and she could afford to live alone. I told her to move in with the "boyfriend" but she said she couldnt do that and would want to be on her own.

Its clear there are several issues she has to address most of which I cant help with. 

My question is do i "take hands off" and just be everything I can be (have always lack confidence) in an attempt to let her see "wow, my husband is an awesome person", do I call it quits and walk away or do i stumble along waiting for the "other shoe to drop"?

The uncertainty is eating at my soul.....


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

I suggest that your partner may be deceiving you and the counselor. 
She is searching for a way to justify her behavior and rationalizes away her guilt. 

Ask Machiavelli(our forum member) for help or read his posts. He will offer a very clear hypothesis.
Talk About Marriage - View Profile: Machiavelli


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

You should not care at this point if she can afford to live on her own imho, if she has a boyfriend, force the issue. Being the "nice guy" just makes you look weak, and her back up plan. Having to live with the new boyfriend might even make her realize what an idiot she's being. If she'd rather be alone, give her alone, don't give her choices. You have to decide, not her, that's her problem now.

I know you think being the supportive husband makes you look better, but it doesn't, it makes you look the opposite. Your making the exact mistakes I made with my wife of 21 years.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Read your post here. 

Looks like she's very skillful at cheating. Even got her mom on her side by saying you hit her.

She has so many EA's, I dont think that last PA was her first one.

You are on the road for so long and so many times, I bet she has honed her skill at covering up her affairs.

I wonder if a polygraph test will do any good in finding out if she had more PA's. She has gotten into so many affairs that she can be okay with her lies and can evade the polygraph.

The best reason she can come up with is an emotional disconnect because of your daughter birth? Make sure she doesn't pass the blame to your daughter. It'll screw up your daughter's head.

I bet she's loves the lifestyle and thrill of fvcking different men that it may be hard for her to change. Perhaps next time you're out of town, you can get a PI to follow/track her?


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi,

I also saw your *post here*.

With so many EA's and I agree with Aug, not her first PA but one of many. Why are YOU still married to this woman who has thrown away her morals/vows and just about every word that is priceless in your marriage down the toilet? Her lies have become the truth and the truth has become the lies.

I'm sorry... I have to ask? Have you done the following:

1. DNA test to confirm D is yours?
2. Full STD's? etc. etc.


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