# Need advice on trust and forgiveness



## d79440

My wife and I have been married for over 13 years. About a month ago she had some what of a nervous break down and in the process of talking with a therapist, she admitted to smoking marijuana on a fairly regular basis. I understand that this would not be a big deal to a lot of people but I was raised to believe any illegal substance is bad. The problem I have is she was able to hide it from me and continue doing it behind my back for at least a couple years knowing full well that I would dis-approve of the actions. It really bothers me that she would do it after I left for work or when I was sleeping. Her friend was coming over at least once a week and they would do it and she also did it with some people at her work. The thing that gets me is we have had some arguments in the past about her friend and she would continually tell me they weren't doing anything wrong. She says she has been wanting to quit for quite a while now and since I found out I don't think she has smoked any since. 
Can any one please give me some advice on how to get over the feeling of distrust and deceit that I am feeling. I trust her in all other matters and I have basically forbidden her friend from coming over. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## swedish

d79440 said:


> I understand that this would not be a big deal to a lot of people but I was raised to believe any illegal substance is bad.


This stuck out for me in your post. 

In the past, I have had some fairly strong opinions on certain subjects. I remember my mom telling me (I was away at college) that my younger sister did something (don't remember what now) and my sister said 'don't tell swedish'. It made me think, wow, I must be pretty hard in my convictions if mom knowing something wasn't as bad as me knowing.

Last year my husband and I were having issues within our marriage and at that time I discovered a lot of porn on his laptop. This was in addition to other issues so I really had to think through if/how to approach him. I thought back to the above and other times with family/friends where they might keep things from me for fear of my reaction & really began to think I would much rather have people feel comfortable coming to me with their problems (especially my kids) than worrying that I will judge them (In reality I have never been one to judge others but I am hard on myself so I guess it comes off that way)

I would guess that your wife is relieved that this is all out in the open. If she feels safe talking openly with you, you will be more inclined to feel she's being honest. I'm not saying to alter your opinions but to be understanding of her faults. We are all human and make mistakes and if we feel safe in confiding in our spouse, it makes the bond of marriage even stronger.

Forbidding her friend sounds like a father-daughter controlling type of behavior. In my situation, I told my husband how finding the porn made me feel...we talked through it. We both needed a few days to digest the conversation. I then came back and said, I'm ok with it as long as it doesn't interfere with 'us' and there is no contact with anyone...it's 1-way viewing and if you feel it's out of control (compulsive/addiction) that you will let me know...his response was 'I deleted it all and don't plan to look at it anymore' 

I have asked him since and he says he has looked since but it's very rare now (my guess is not at all at this point) But really, I want a loving marriage, not a perfect man, so trying to control him and tell him what he can or cannot do would just put distance between us and encourage him to hide things from me.

I think you need to decide what type of relationship you want with your wife and if it's a partnership where she feels safe to be herself, flaws and all, the feelings of deceit will dissipate.


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## d79440

Thanks for the reply swedish.
I just want to be clear on why I basically forbid her friend from coming over. Her friend was the biggest influence on her and the one to push doing it the most. I told my wife I don't want her friend around because I was afraid of what I would say to her and I didn't want to upset my wife any more. Plus I really don't want some one like that around my children. I know my wife is her own person and she can do what she wants, I do not control her in any way, I only suggest. 
The idea of smoking does not bother me quite as much as the fact that she was able to hide something like that for such a long time and that she decieved me and basically lied to me for so long. That is what really hurts the most. I know none of us are perfect. I'm sure you can understand how I'm feeling.


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## d79440

Hi mommy22,
It sounds to me like you have a good idea of how I'm feeling. I can't imagine finding out something like that after sixteen years. 
She has not seen or talked with her "friend" as far as I know since I found out. She seems to agree with me that she shouldn't be hanging around with her.
I know she feels really bad about what she did and knows how bad hiding something like that hurts the ones that love them. 
I've seen how some people that are addicted to things rather it be alcohol, cigarettes or drugs behave and a lot of them will pretty much do everything that can to get what they want even if it means deceiving and lying to their loved ones. That is one issue that I am still worried about. Right now I am pretty convinced she is not hiding anything, but I still worry about what the future will bring if she should run into another person that would offer her some. It always seems like the people that do it have a way of knowing if some one else does it or has done it too. I know I just have to contend with that if the time comes, and I do know that it will just take some time to clear all of this up. 
I'm keeping a positive outlook on the situation and am trying to make the best out of it.
Thanks.


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## d79440

Creepy is the right word, it is strange. In my younger years I had long hair and dressed like a "stoner", even though I looked and dressed the part I never touched anything like that and can only remember that subject coming up about three times. For the last 15+ years I have never been approached in any way or even asked to "hang" with people that do it. It is definitely hard to understand.
I too have done a lot of research on the signs and symptoms and it's amazing how now that I look back I understand a little more why she was the way she was for the last few years....lack of motivation in everything, few goals, sleepy etc...It makes a lot more sense now.
As far as the "open book" she seems to be very open, she told me last night she found out her boss and a couple employees smoke the stuff. That was very disturbing to me. She re-enforced to me that she wants nothing to do with it and I do believe her. For now I just have to hope for the best and convince myself to trust she will make the right decisions.


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## Honey

I was at places where it was right there in front of me. I choose not to go there, not that I haven't gotten high from smelling it before..like at a party or a concert. She has to have the will to stop, and say no when someone has it or wants her to smoke it with her.


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## Sabine

d79440 said:


> My wife and I have been married for over 13 years. About a month ago she had some what of a nervous break down and in the process of talking with a therapist, she admitted to smoking marijuana on a fairly regular basis. I understand that this would not be a big deal to a lot of people but I was raised to believe any illegal substance is bad. The problem I have is she was able to hide it from me and continue doing it behind my back for at least a couple years knowing full well that I would dis-approve of the actions. It really bothers me that she would do it after I left for work or when I was sleeping. Her friend was coming over at least once a week and they would do it and she also did it with some people at her work. The thing that gets me is we have had some arguments in the past about her friend and she would continually tell me they weren't doing anything wrong. She says she has been wanting to quit for quite a while now and since I found out I don't think she has smoked any since.
> Can any one please give me some advice on how to get over the feeling of distrust and deceit that I am feeling. I trust her in all other matters and I have basically forbidden her friend from coming over. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


1) you are married to her, you do not OWN her!

2) you are not her jail keeper but her husband

3) youa re not her dad or her mum and she is an adult Respect that. If she wants to smoke a join, she can do s and its her right and you have no right to forbid her to do so.

in fact the way you are taking the hting in agravate her dependency and she certianyl smoke to feel more free and less controlled by you.
To forbiod her firends ot come over is pure dictatorship and totaly unacceptable.
She is an adult free woman in a free country and you have no rights what so ever to decide over her life like you do!
wha tif she was to forbid you to talk weiht anybody!? what would you do??
tyou have to tell her to smoke in front of you. make it public.
make it a deal that its no longer a forbidden thing so that she feel free and this way she wont hide nor feel she has to, and same when her firend coems over let them have a join together while you are there and talk with them while they smoke, and dedramatise the whole thing and she wont need to smoke that much, and she wont feel the need to hide it form you and oyu wont feel that distrust so much, and as she already expressed the wish to stop smoking oyu will be able to help her doing that by simply cutting down like you stop smoking cigaretes and thats it.
But your attirtude up to now has been completely overboard and gave the opposite effect.
its the control freak effect.-
Let her be herself, without havign to hide part of her, or marry someone that is your picture of whom you want, or buy an object you like and who do exactly as told..


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## Honey

I can't live with someone that takes drugs. I have left someone over using drugs before.


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## Sabine

she is not "taking drugs" she have a join once in awhile. Thats not like taking crack or being a junky.
Comparign it to that is like comparign someone weakness for seeets with a junkie addiction.. its silly and exagerated. 
At her level thats simple like quiting cigaret and she take that to cool down other take recept medecin who often are much more adictive and dangerous so whats the problem?
If she was feelign more safe she wont do it so found what make her feel unsecure and give her the need to found trust in weed to can relax a bit and you will have the cure.
in worse she would like to can stop.
So there is no real problem here.
its just to take it with an open mind instead of being all so narrow minded about it. There is dfrugs and drugsd and degree of addiction and reason why one take what.
To put all under the sam ehat is so wrong.
some have to take morphin for pain it doesnt make them junklies rigth?
same here. She smoke to cool down.
your controls stress her that hs ehas to hidde it form you add to the stress and hterefor to the need to cool down so thats a vicious circle that oyur attitude is with to make worse.
Cool down yourself and try to see what you can do from there.
if its not a forbidden thing form your side then it willl go better.
she will be more relaxed about it and oyu could be 2 at cutting it down. You will also know how much she smoke a day and a week ot begin with and have a more realistic picture of how bad or good it is.
if its a minor addiction then its just to quit and its over after 2 weeks.
dont dramatise and oyu will be sure to know what she is doing at anytime cause she wont feel the need ot hide it form you.
it will be more healthy for you both.
What you get on recept are also drugs.
Try to change your angle on the matter i think its needed and will help her to regain trust in you and you to regain trust in her. You have to unsderstand her better.
Found out why she needs it. Its not cause she is addicted to it that she smoke weed but because of what it gives her that hse dont get else where..
like the rigth to can let go..
and be herself..
if she can better be herself in front of her friends than in front of you and can better tlak about what bother her to htme than to you, then oyu got a problem and work to do.. on you.
Dont talk from your level, go to where she is and motivate her therefrom. Let her come to it on her free will, givign orders wont solve the issue it will just report it.
Her problem is not that she smoke weed but the reason why she do it. What make her stressed that she need to relax? whatr is it that bother her but she dont talk about and can found a release by having a join? does it involve you or something you do? has it to do with soemthuing in her a previous experience? could it be both?
you can talk with her about it or think on oyur own, so open as you can, to found out.
and remember that quote "chass the vices with a hammer and they come galloping back."...


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## GAsoccerman

Sabine, I have to disagree with you here.

He is not trying to control her, He married her in good faith, She supposedly was "drug free" but then he found out she wasn't, he asked her to stop her drug use. She said she "tried" and didn't. She apparently ahs some friends that are fine with this and in fact promote it, so he said she should take herself out of a bad situation.

She lied to him, she did something behind his back and he busted her. 

It is hard to trust someone once the trust has been broken, they went into the marriage thinking he knew everything about his wife, apparently she has been lying to him their whole marriage.

I am sorry, but if I found out my wife was smoking or doing drugs after being with her after X amout of years....I WOULD BE PISSED and not believe a thing after that.

We are a team, marriage is full disclosure, if you do not ahve trust and Communication....you have NOTHING


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## draconis

GAsoccerman said:


> Sabine, I have to disagree with you here.
> 
> He is not trying to control her, He married her in good faith, She supposedly was "drug free" but then he found out she wasn't, he asked her to stop her drug use. She said she "tried" and didn't. She apparently ahs some friends that are fine with this and in fact promote it, so he said she should take herself out of a bad situation.
> 
> She lied to him, she did something behind his back and he busted her.
> 
> It is hard to trust someone once the trust has been broken, they went into the marriage thinking he knew everything about his wife, apparently she has been lying to him their whole marriage.
> 
> I am sorry, but if I found out my wife was smoking or doing drugs after being with her after X amout of years....I WOULD BE PISSED and not believe a thing after that.
> 
> We are a team, marriage is full disclosure, if you do not ahve trust and Communication....you have NOTHING


:iagree:

Drugs also bring an additional problem what happens if DHHS steps in and takes the kids away because mom wants to smoke a join? Then he suffers and so do the kids for her doing something illegal.

Yes it happened to someone that I know.

draconis


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