# what if there is no compromise?



## onceuponatime (Dec 1, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for a little over 5 years. Before we got married he knew where I stood on certain subjects. My morals and traditional thinking (in addition to a history of body issues which he also knew about) will absolutely not allow any room for porn or other disrespectful actions....but it's pretty much all in regards to other women.

I can compromise on most anything. However, I feel that porn and emotional attachments to other women and talking disrespectfully about other women and their bodies can not be tolerated. 

My husband recently "butt dialed" me and accidentally recorded himself talking to friends about a girl that he once had something with. He talked in depth about her chest and how hard he'd tried to get her top off, etc. I have no problem with the fact that he has a past. But what hurt me was that this is now and I can't believe he's still reminiscing about things like that.

When I brought this up to him we got into another argument. (They are becoming more and more frequent.) This brought up the issue of compromise. He feels I should try to do more of it in the area that bothers me more than anything. To compromise on any of that would mean complete despair for myself...but I think he is starting to resent me and I just want to make him happy.

So what do you do in this situation? What if there is no compromise without being deeply hurt? How do you find a good compromise when it has to do with your values?


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## ayanocano (Dec 1, 2011)

I think I understand what you mean. It is challenging to justify why someone would still have emotions or feelings of any sort, positive or negative, regarding a past decision that pales in comparison to the present. However, keep in mind that sometimes people reminisce because that's what happens with memories. Sometimes, you think about it, and it is just that, a thought.

Personally, I believe all relationships are built on compromises, understanding the needs and wants of what you and your partner have and how you can come to a middle ground. Communication is key and in this situation, I think you may have to give way a little. I am not saying in anyway that you should bow down or like give into every demand or desire your partner may have. But, you may have to think deeply of what is more important--believing that not thinking of past deeds or memories can be realistic, or believing that thinking of memories is just that, thinking because they are there.

I think you are a smart person who wants to love and receive the same amount of love. However, relationships are always going to need flexibility and room for growth. Don't forget that a past is in the past...your present is what matters in that you continue to develop together and work towards a goal on what you need and what your spouse may need.

Talk to him. Ask him why he reminisces with openness. No accusations or like jumping from one subject to another. Listen, take it all in, ask if you understand it correctly, and offer your thoughts. Remember to ask yourself, "Do I think of past deeds or memories?" If you do not, that is totally fine and that should be respected. But take into account that he may not be able to dismiss memories because some memories cannot be forgotten as easy as others.

I hope I don't come off as like, angry or anything. But I hope I have given you some insight into your question.

Good luck!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

When I read your post, I thought of a quote from the movie Buck (about the horseman) that goes like this: "If you're flexible, you'll never get bent out of shape."

I'm not suggesting you shouldn't have your views and moralistic stance on what is important to you though. But I also think your guy is a human being. He's not perfect. None of us are. It was never intended to be hurtful to you or disrespectful to you, even though it might feel that way from your perspective. 

At the end of the day, we can't control how someone else is going to act or what they're going to think. He might respect your view on porn and not go there, but if he's the type of guy that has conversations like this when he's out - then that's part of who he is. Maybe it was even part of who he was for just that moment. Either way, it's up to you whether to accept and be flexible or stay rigid to your views. Maybe you don't know him as well as you think you do? 

I don't mean to sound like I'm making a judgement on your perspective, just trying to offer up my thoughts to help. Best wishes.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

dont be surprised when men talk about things they would not normaly talk about when with other men. a lot of men talk about sex, and if a man is going to relate to them and maintain a positive work relationship, they usualy talk about whatever thier co-workers talk about in order to mingle better. that might be cars today and past girlfriends tomorrow, but they will ultimately talk about whatever the group is talking about or isolate themselves. those who cannot talk about something that the people around them can relate to ultimately isolate themselves from them. isolation is not a healthy work environment. i would defenitely talk to him, but be wary of the fact that you may end up making him feel guilty or pressured just for trying to feel at ease while in public. as they say, when in rome...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

onceuponatime said:


> How do you find a good compromise when it has to do with your values?


What does a "body issue" have to do with values?
I think body issues reflect a lack of values in that you don't value yourself or allow your husband to appreciate and value his wife's body. The constraints you have are harmful to your marriage.

I think that you find a good compromise by looking at the total picture of your life, and determining if your husband is a good man, provides goodness to you and your family life in totality. That's how you should judge him. Not on one phone call.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> My husband recently "butt dialed" me and accidentally recorded himself talking to friends about a girl that he once had something with. He talked in depth about her chest and how hard he'd tried to get her top off, etc. I have no problem with the fact that he has a past. But what hurt me was that this is now and I can't believe he's still reminiscing about things like that.


I'm not naive enough to think that guys don't talk about sex when they get together. Sports and sex are among the top 2 topics of conversation.

It would hurt me if he was talking about ME and our sex life together. THAT is off limits. What he did with someone eons ago isn't even relevant. I'm the present and future, that's all that matters to me. Who cares if he reminisces? Had you not gotten dialed accidentally (sweet you were the last person he called btw) you wouldn't have any clue what he had been talking about. He doesn't do it in front of you, and that's what should matter most.

If you're fighing over things like this, it's because IMO you're taking your views to the extreme and he likely feels stifled or controlled by your insecurities. Is it worth it?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I'm not naive enough to think that guys don't talk about sex when they get together. Sports and sex are among the top 2 topics of conversation.
> 
> It would hurt me if he was talking about ME and our sex life together. THAT is off limits. What he did with someone eons ago isn't even relevant. I'm the present and future, that's all that matters to me. Who cares if he reminisces? Had you not gotten dialed accidentally (sweet you were the last person he called btw) you wouldn't have any clue what he had been talking about. He doesn't do it in front of you, and that's what should matter most.
> 
> If you're fighing over things like this, it's because IMO you're taking your views to the extreme and he likely feels stifled or controlled by your insecurities. Is it worth it?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

onceuponatime said:


> So what do you do in this situation? What if there is no compromise without being deeply hurt? How do you find a good compromise when it has to do with your values?


Absent compromise, couples need to agree to disagree


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You do realize what and how men speak with one another right?

Nothing gentlemanly about it or you get razzed. Such is life.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> When I read your post, I thought of a quote from the movie Buck (about the horseman) that goes like this: "If you're flexible, you'll never get bent out of shape."
> 
> I'm not suggesting you shouldn't have your views and moralistic stance on what is important to you though. But I also think your guy is a human being. He's not perfect. None of us are. It was never intended to be hurtful to you or disrespectful to you, even though it might feel that way from your perspective.
> 
> ...


I was going to write pretty much exactly what HB did here. I am not going to judge you on your values whatsoever... has your H been fundamentally dishonest about certain things? Yes its pretty obvious, but that is his way of coping with the dynamics in your relationship, moreso probably all his relationships, it is just they way he is and there is nothing wrong with that. Just as you have very strong boundaries and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that either, the difficult part for you is how you will choose to stand up and enforce your boundaries... to what length will you go to prevent your values from being disrespected? Basically it comes down to will you be flexible (and realize he is who he is and may have some differing values but probably enough overlapping ones to have a fulfilling marriage together) or will you be firm and tell him if he isn't willing to change his values there will be consequences (eg divorce?)


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