# Young and Married



## youngnmarried16 (Jun 9, 2017)

Hello! I'm Leann and I am seeking help from all over!! I'm 24 years old and my husband and I have been married for 9 months now. I have a lot to go on here but I guess I will start with asking is there such a thing as a right to be resentful? A lot has happened in these past 9 months and I have seen better days. My husband is 22 and he has spent 75% of his life in and out of the system and by that I mean prison. He has matured a lot but he still has a lot of growing to do. I feel judgmental but it's the truth. He never wants to hear the truth. My husband recently went on a drug kick and it scared me to death he also wrecked our car. He has to deal with slot of court and all that jazz because he is still on their papers so to speak. He complains about not having money when he doesn't work. No one stopped him from working but himself. He gets upset with me because he doesn't know how to do things on his own and I got to tell ya it's absolutely exhausting to be his wife,maid,cook,parent,and chauffeur. I love my husband but I am growing resentful and I am afraid it will cause me to want to end the marriage. I just wanted to get the idea out there if anyone has anything to say. I mean I have stories galore!! Thanks for reading.


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## jetzon (Mar 16, 2015)

i have a very good feeling that ur marriage is heading nowhere but downhill with the information youve given here !


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I would be resentful too. You are too young to be dealing with this. Yes, people make mistakes/bad decisions BUT then they need to help themselves to turn things around. So if he continues to complain with no interest in working... I would leave. It's easier now than years later with small children.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

He is in and out of prison, has a drub problem, doesn't work and doesn't do his share of chores. 

Serious question: why do you want to stay married? You say you love him - why? What makes him worth the rest of your life?



youngnmarried16 said:


> Hello! I'm Leann and I am seeking help from all over!! I'm 24 years old and my husband and I have been married for 9 months now. I have a lot to go on here but I guess I will start with asking is there such a thing as a right to be resentful? A lot has happened in these past 9 months and I have seen better days. My husband is 22 and he has spent 75% of his life in and out of the system and by that I mean prison. He has matured a lot but he still has a lot of growing to do. I feel judgmental but it's the truth. He never wants to hear the truth. My husband recently went on a drug kick and it scared me to death he also wrecked our car. He has to deal with slot of court and all that jazz because he is still on their papers so to speak. He complains about not having money when he doesn't work. No one stopped him from working but himself. He gets upset with me because he doesn't know how to do things on his own and I got to tell ya it's absolutely exhausting to be his wife,maid,cook,parent,and chauffeur. I love my husband but I am growing resentful and I am afraid it will cause me to want to end the marriage. I just wanted to get the idea out there if anyone has anything to say. I mean I have stories galore!! Thanks for reading.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

The resentfulness I felt in the beginning of my marriage was similar to what you describe. As the month went by there were more and more things she was and that she said she was that she really wasn't. She expected to do nothing while I did everything, made all the money did all the cooking and cleaning. She basically just complained. I was think to divorce her before the first year was even over and I should have. Let me tell you, when you have lots of resentment like you describe, it doesn't get any better, most of the time worse. I would take the opportunity you have now to divorce him. You don't need an ex-con for a husband.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

There is the old adage, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." 

I totally get where you are coming from with respect to having to deal with someone that won't do things for themselves and get angry when you try to help them figure it out. There is an expectation that people will be responsible for themselves as they get older. That is kind of the point of life, you grow, you learn, and go out in the world and make your fortune. Now it seems like (I am older) a lot of younger people grow, learn, then move back home or find someone to support them instead of doing what needs to be done.

So yes, I believe that you can be resentful of your spouse.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I cant offer any words of encouragement. What you say paints a pretty bleak present and future. 

I was married young (19). Youth has little to do with this. Your husband is a punk...Currently a waste. 

A marriage is a cart. You cant pull the cart in two directions. You cant pull it when one person is sitting down NOT HELPING. It only works to move it forward together to face what ever bumps you encounter. 

To be honest... While he does not have a job. Does drugs that you do not do, and is in and our of jail....THERE IS NO POSITIVE FUTURE WITH THIS MAN. 

i would for sure walk. Run...to the nearest lawyer. 

You are entitled to your resentment, but you can chose not to waste the emotion on resentment and just move on.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Resentment will invert your love into hate, if you give it enough time. Don't let that happen.

From the sounds of your husband's present-day behavior, he's a sinking ship and it you stay aboard, you'll go down with him. 

Read your own post: he has drug problems, court decisions pending, anger, complete dependency. It's an echo of his past in the present. He won't change, so stop hoping for it. 

My advice: run before it's too late and all you have is regret over your screwed-up life! 

It's not hard for me to imagine you doing prison time over this guy being unable to learn his lesson. Not worth it.


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## youngnmarried16 (Jun 9, 2017)

Thanks for your responses. I know most of you have the questions of why and how. Well I love him. Despite his flaws I genuinely love him. I may look like a fool but my faith doesn't run out too quick. I understand that if I hold on to the resentment that it will turn into hate. I'm trying to overcome this. My last resort is to leave. I just want someone who went through this and knows how to reverse it to give some kind of advice.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

youngnmarried16 said:


> I understand that if I hold on to the resentment that it will turn into hate.


If you're *lucky*, that's exactly what will happen which will finally give you the CLARITY to see how you're wasting your life.

You're young and idealistic with very little life experience. We've *all *been there, much as you may think a group of strangers couldn't possibly understand youth and your 'special' love.

A 22 year old young man with everything *GOING *for him is a bad prospect for marriage. He could be about to graduate college and start a well paying career, be intelligent, have morals, be a well rounded polite and wonderful young man, and he's STILL a bad prospect for marriage because he's too young and has no life experience.

But a 22 year old jailbird - who is the exact opposite of what I described above, is a guarantee of failure. He has *NOTHING* going for him (except a rap sheet a mile long). Add on a drug problem, the fact that he thinks his wife is his mommy who'll provide everything for him, he acts like a complete fool and has no respect for your property, he whines that he has no money (for drugs and tattoos, no doubt) but is so worthless he refuses to actually WORK and earn it, and you've bought yourself a *guarantee* of failure.

*Guaranteed*.

Yeah yeah, we don't know and you know better. Got it. I remember saying the same thing back when I was 20. I knew it all. LOL.

You married a science project. You think all he needs is your love and devotion and you can 'fix' him. This will be a hard lesson you're going to learn - you *can't* 'fix' people, no matter how hard you try. You just don't _know_ that yet. That's part of the life experience I was talking about earlier - this is how we learn life lessons.

Lastly, I hope you're not foolish enough to even CONSIDER getting pregnant with someone like this. With almost 100% certainty, I can paint that picture for you of what that will look like if you shoot yourself in the foot and get pregnant. After throwing up in the toilet each morning, you'll be the one leaving the house every morning to go to work. I hope you've found a method of transportation since the ass-wipe wrecked your car. Expect to work right up until your first labor pain. Ain't that fun? If you're unlucky enough to have a low paying job that doesn't include health benefits, then the fun just gets more intense when the hospital bills start coming in afterwards.

So you take your new baby home and Mr. Worthless is still doing nothing, or maybe he's hanging out with his other worthless friends who also don't work. While they're busy scheming how to get money from illegal activity, you'll be home all by yourself taking care of your newborn and worried sick about how you'll pay all the bills, how you'll be able to buy formula and diapers and be able to take your baby to the pediatrician for vaccinations, etc., and worried about the utility companies shutting off your heat and power.

Well, your choices are that you immediately go back to work since the jailbird feels no responsibility WHATSOEVER to provide for his family, but you'll now be tasked with finding affordable daycare because you know damned WELL he's not capable of caring for a goldfish, much less a human infant. And you ALSO know he's too damned lazy to stay home every day and actually care for another human being. So *you'll* get to support the family and when you get HOME from work,* you'll* be the one raising your child and *you'll *be doing all the housework - while he does nothing. But hey, you 'love' him so it's all worth it, right?

So. Let's recap. He's a complete failure as a human being, he's a complete failure as a husband, and he'll be a complete failure as a father. * You can take that to the bank.*

Unfortunately, this is a lesson you'll have to learn yourself. None of us are going to be able to convince you otherwise.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I disagree that youth in itself is the problem. I, at 20 years of age, had a wife, a child on the way, a full time job and a house and mortgage and I can assure you that I did not come from privilege. I knew my responsibility and I held myself accountable. I was mature. Your H is far from it. Maturing is a process that varies widely from individual to individual and circumstances play a very large role in how and when and even if it is accomplished. However, it should occur before marriage. Sadly, those that are immature do not have the ability to realize that and plunge headlong into marriage without so much as a second thought. You fall into this category as well because even though you seem more responsible than your H, if you had been more mature you would not have married him. You would have seen him as the disaster that he is.

I hate having to say this but by being his maid, chauffeur, cook and so on you are enabling him to stay in his immature state. At 22 he has few developmental years left and once those are done he will be what he is for life. I would advise that you stop coddling him and make him face some really difficult circumstances. This spurs on growth and mental development whereas kowtowing to him retards it. It may be prudent for you to remove yourself from his life and let him face it on his own two feet. Then, if he matures enough and you are still "in love" with him, perhaps revisit a relationship. As it stands now you are in for much pain and heartache.

Many, especially parents, consider that part of "loving" someone is to shield them from as much of life as possible but in so doing they take from the individual the impetus that causes mental development rendering that person "retarded" in their cognitive abilities. That is the antithesis of love. Consider this carefully.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Your very young. Get divorced now, and work on yourself, your career and getting healthy. When you marry someone you should marry them because you love who they are in that time, not for the potential of who they can be. Your husband is not marriage material right now. Think of the kind of life you want when your 40... and is he taking Taking steps to being that husband when he's 40? I doubt it.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

youngnmarried16 said:


> Thanks for your responses. I know most of you have the questions of why and how. Well I love him. Despite his flaws I genuinely love him. I may look like a fool but my faith doesn't run out too quick. I understand that if I hold on to the resentment that it will turn into hate. I'm trying to overcome this. My last resort is to leave. I just want someone who went through this and knows how to reverse it to give some kind of advice.




Well, as the child of a man who spent more than his fair share of time on drugs and in jail and who dated a man that kicked the **** out of her and went to jail, I think I am qualified in the experience department to answer you on this one.

Unless you are willing to live the rest of your life like you are now, you need to leave. 
He is institutionalized and has drug issues and no matter how much you love him, he will NOT change until he is ready to change. 
People cannot be saved. They need to save themselves.

The other posters on here are right. This man is going to suck the life out of you and ruin you and by not giving up on him, you're going to be an active participant in your own demise.

The resentment cannot be reversed unless he changes and it is not something that you can overcome unless he changes.

He will not change until he is ready to change and the amount of love that you have for him is only enabling him and that is not going to help him or save him.

Sorry.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## youngnmarried16 (Jun 9, 2017)

Thanks for the reality checks. I am young and I do notice I am very naive to a lot of things as I have been sheltered for a good part of my life. I know a lot of you have been through thugs and I want to thank you for giving me clarity. I won't walk away as of right now. Should I approach him maybe or just tell him straight up I can't stay married to him?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

youngnmarried16 said:


> I just want someone who went through this and knows how to reverse it to give some kind of advice.


The above sentence is the core of your issues. Not your husband's issues, but your issues. You think you can do something to reverse your husband's downward spiral. 

Look, I'm a 53 year old woman. I wasn't born yesterday, but have seen many situations where one spouse is off track and the other spouse is trying to make things work. Here's the thing: You can only change yourself and you, my dear, are not the problem. Whatever you do to try to get him on the right track is a waste of your time and energy, because you do not live in his body. You do not control his mind. You only control you. And you have chosen to live with an irresponsible man who refuses to make the changes necessary to be a solid, loving husband.

You have an idea in your mind that if only he would see thing for what they are he would be fine. But that's not how it works. That's not who he is. He's not a reasonable, responsible person and he probably never will be.

Let me give you an example. My husband and I were out at a bar last night where I got to sing karaoke. My husband sees a man that we used to know more than 25 years ago. He is 55 years old and worse off than he was at 25. His wife tried to help him. She threw herself into it. But he was not the kind of person who wanted to face the truth and change to be responsible and loving husband and father. Yes, they had children. Even that didn't turn him around.

Your husband is not living up to his vows. Run. This only gets worse.




youngnmarried16 said:


> Thanks for the reality checks. I am young and I do notice I am very naive to a lot of things as I have been sheltered for a good part of my life. I know a lot of you have been through thugs and I want to thank you for giving me clarity. I won't walk away as of right now. Should I approach him maybe or just tell him straight up I can't stay married to him?


Buy a book on divorce in your state and learn what your rights and responsibilities are. Figure out where you are going to live and prepare for divorce. File for divorce. Tell him the day you file that you are done being his mother and that you are divorcing him. Do not engage him in discussion about it.


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## lisacolorado (May 2, 2017)

Are you going to put up with this as you grow older and the threads that bind you get more and stronger and you get more tired? Your number one job in life is to watch out for yourself. Are you?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

youngnmarried16 said:


> Thanks for the reality checks. I am young and I do notice I am very naive to a lot of things as I have been sheltered for a good part of my life. I know a lot of you have been through thugs and I want to thank you for giving me clarity. I won't walk away as of right now. Should I approach him maybe or just tell him straight up I can't stay married to him?




You need to figure out what you want and have a plan. Are you leaving him? If yes make sure you have a place to go. You asked if you should tell him I can't stay married.... are you scared of him? Will he try to hurt you? If you don't want to stay married to him why not leave him now? The longer you wait the harder it will be to leave.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

youngnmarried16 said:


> Thanks for the reality checks. I am young and I do notice I am very naive to a lot of things as I have been sheltered for a good part of my life. I know a lot of you have been through thugs and I want to thank you for giving me clarity. I won't walk away as of right now. Should I approach him maybe or just tell him straight up I can't stay married to him?




You need to talk to him and say how you feel so that he knows where you stand and give him the choice to work on it or say bye to you and stick with it. I know that it is hard to do when you love someone. I loved my ex that beat the crap out of me and I still do love him 10 months later, but now I know that I am better off without him and am happier without him and that one day I will find someone that deserves me. You will too one day. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> If you're *lucky*, that's exactly what will happen which will finally give you the CLARITY to see how you're wasting your life.
> 
> You're young and idealistic with very little life experience. We've *all *been there, much as you may think a group of strangers couldn't possibly understand youth and your 'special' love.
> 
> ...


But you don't understand, she "loves" him! :| Seriously, that was a great post. Too bad that so many young people have to repeat horrible mistakes that so many others have previously made.


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## youngnmarried16 (Jun 9, 2017)

Steve if you can read my post I'm in the progress of seeking out the best way to avoid heartache and possibly abuse. Yes I love my husband but I'm not stupid and will not use love as an excuse to disregard the state of my being and my health. You got any advice? I would love to hear it. Please don't shame me because I'm young. I'm growing and I'm learning unfortunately I had to learn the hard way.


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