# My divorce journal



## rainbow12 (Jun 18, 2012)

I need a place to vent, ruminate, record so I can look back later, and get advice. So here I am.

I am finding it really hard to stay focused today. The divorce is starting to feel real. Although I wanted my stbx to start acknowledging that we need to start the separation aspect of divorce, which is part of it all, I can't stop crying.

I filed a month ago. In my petition and his response, there were no details, as I was trying to keep the door open to collaboration and not an all-out court war (which I know he is capable of). We had huge fights over the last two years - after having almost none at all before then. We were the ideal couple because I kept changing to please him and keep our marriage going. When I started to change to keep my self esteem from totally sinking, that's when the problems started and he kept dropping the D word. We went to counseling after I got so exasperated with our drama-filled limbo and his constant pestering of me to change back to the way I was. We made some progress and then would slip back into the fights. Then he wanted to get out of the therapy when it focused on his behaviors some.

He admitted that he wouldn't be able to dream with me about our future, forgive me for the feelings and observations I revealed in therapy, feel like himself if he had to cut back his drinking to meet the sober me in the middle, or truly accept the changes in me (which I thought were for the better). I had great hopes for our "new" marriage, he wanted the "old." We both saw a solution in the other changing. This sucks.

I love him so much, and this is all breaking my heart. It's so hard to keep taking the steps forward in the divorce. But staying in the marriage meant being with a man who couldn't accept me, I couldn't accept him, and we weren't willing to change in the ways we were being asked to. The changes were too close to our cores. 

He proposed a reconciliation a week in, then I said that I wasn't ready to have sex until we got back into therapy to talk about what the reconciliation could be. He interpreted this as meaning I won't reconcile. I felt disrespected, so I didn't pursue reconciliation. He dropped it and just started to give me the stink eye and reject my polite gestures to communicate.

We're still living in the same house. He ignored my attempts to talk with him about anything. Until yesterday, when he announced moves he's taking to move forward. He is very angry at me and keeps saying he can't wait to have me out of his life. Why am I feeling overwhelmed? Was I comfortable with his denial so that I could be in denial too?

Oh, and by the way, I appreciate the interactive element of this forum. So if anyone has experiences to share here, or advice (I"m soliciting), I greatly appreciate the addition to my journal.


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## rainbow12 (Jun 18, 2012)

He can't stand to be in the same house with me - just stomped off for a walk and ignored me when I nicely wished him a good walk.

In retrospect, I would be annoyed by the syrupy nice if I, like him, did not want this divorce to be nice. He's been very rude to me ever since I filed the papers. Oh, except for when he thought maybe I would reverse my actions. I get that.

He thought I should pay him to repair our home so it sells, and that I should make all the arrangements with a realtor. I will definitely get a professional opinion on his suggestion.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

I'm sorry you're here and dealing with an overgrown petulant child who has had his toy taken away.


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## rainbow12 (Jun 18, 2012)

What's so interesting, is that every time I describe his behavior, everyone says he is being a brat. And I'm talking about the old stories, the fights, the now.

I am in for a pleasant surprise to find out that not all men act this way in relationships! That is, if I spend this time learning and growing so I don't see a man with the same characteristics. And that I don't try to be the loving mother to a grown man that is not my son!


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

You really are!


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## rainbow12 (Jun 18, 2012)

The leased car that is covered by our joint insurance, got hit today. Not at fault, but stbx filed a claim (without consulting me) and the leasing company will fix the car once the insurance company has an appraisal. 

Will the insurance rates go up during the divorce proceedings? Must check.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Your insurance will go up but it wont until your policy is due for renewal. The divorce proceedings will make no difference.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: My divorce journal*



rainbow12 said:


> The leased car that is covered by our joint insurance, got hit today. Not at fault, but stbx filed a claim (without consulting me) and the leasing company will fix the car once the insurance company has an appraisal.
> 
> Will the insurance rates go up during the divorce proceedings? Must check.


If you were not at fault the insurance rates should not go up. You file and the at-fault person's insurance company pays your insurance company.


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## rainbow12 (Jun 18, 2012)

I called the agent, and he said our rates do not go up with no fault accidents, even when the at fault driver ditches the scene.

I looked - the front fender is taped back into place. Minor, and very driveable.


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## rainbow12 (Jun 18, 2012)

I have never lived without a housemate. 

This feels worse. A housemate that hates it when I come home and won't say more than hello. And that's after I initiate. 

I have a lot of friends who are making the time to chat/do stuff. But they are not constant companions.

Does this feeling morph once I get my own space and form my new lifestyle? Do I get used to a lot of downtime by myself? Or should I plan on getting a cat?


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## rainbow12 (Jun 18, 2012)

He took down all the photos of me in the house to "redecorate." I am mad, but letting him know or retaliating is allowing for more pushed buttons and slows down my ability to move forward. Expressing anger in healthy ways.


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## rainbow12 (Jun 18, 2012)

So, I clearly have not recorded anything for a month. Summer hit. I thought I might take divorce tasks off of my August "to do list." I got a bit depressed because my stbx was blocking my every move, and I felt so helpless. Then I felt like I was stuck in a limbo of his making, which was quite uncomfortable. Plus, I found out that I had to continue with the Specific Carbohydrate Diet since my abdominal cramping returned, and I had to refine the SCD Diet by following the stricter FODMAP diet. Boo.

Highlights: Lots of fun summer activities: Dancing, socializing, parties, swimming, sunning, outdoor concerts, spa treatments.

Lowlights: Stbx pretended that he wanted to start getting the house ready for sale, then called the realtor behind my back to say he refuses to sell (so the realtor backed off and won't even start the conversation of what improvements are needed). 

Stbx is letting things slide around the house, presumably to get me to move out. I am definitely thinking of moving out. The main reason I have still been living at home for the last 2 months with him is that I feared he would retaliate by skipping mortgage payments and letting the house go into foreclosure. Now I know I can get the court involved if there's a sign of that happening.

We're going to run out of joint cash, and he is resisting any communications about how we'll pay the joint bills.

Neutral lights: Just yesterday, he said that he wants to sell the house, as long as we figure out the money matters first then agree to put the proceeds into a trust fund his attorney set up.

To be continued.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

rainbow12 said:


> So, I clearly have not recorded anything for a month. Summer hit. I thought I might take divorce tasks off of my August "to do list." I got a bit depressed because my stbx was blocking my every move, and I felt so helpless. Then I felt like I was stuck in a limbo of his making, which was quite uncomfortable. Plus, I found out that I had to continue with the Specific Carbohydrate Diet since my abdominal cramping returned, and I had to refine the SCD Diet by following the stricter FODMAP diet. Boo.
> 
> Highlights: Lots of fun summer activities: Dancing, socializing, parties, swimming, sunning, outdoor concerts, spa treatments.
> 
> ...


Living together as roommates has to be extremely awkward on its best day right now. Do you have a lawyer? Putting the home up for sale is probably the best route and I wouldn't be too concerned about doing any repairs to the home.

You wont get the return on the investment and with the divorce in process any money spent on repairs in theory has to be split 50/50. The notion of the trust account for any monies received after the mortgage is paid may or may not work. I worry because his attorney set it up. Usually the remaining monies are just divided right away so each party can use for new places to live.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

It seems to me that since you're getting divorced, your husband is moving forward also. You two are not going to be together in the near future. Eventually, won't one of you have to leave the house, or the house be sold?

Since the 2 of you are going your separate ways, I dont see the need for him or you to communicate other than what's necessary.


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## rainbow12 (Jun 18, 2012)

We are still not communicating about what's necessary. He keeps contacting me directly to call me names or announce his unilateral actions. When I contact him about anything, I hear crickets. I should just talk directly to his lawyer.

He's moving out in a week and a half. Then we do the last bit to get the house ready for sale and sell.


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