# Questions for anyone who's WS left them for their AP.



## whatthefrack (May 16, 2012)

My wife left me three weeks ago for her AP. Our mutual friends and I don't think it is going to work between them. I've read somewhere (but can't find it again) that people on the outside of affairs are usually very aware of how "odd" the people in the affair are really acting and that they really aren't that compatible.

I am still in a "fog," I am still hoping my wife will snap out of this. I know this is not healthy. At the same time I have done NC for the past two weeks. I have also been trying to make myself happy by hanging out with friends and loved ones more and generally keeping myself busy.

If your spouse ever left you for another person did you ever think that they may actually have something and they may just work out? From what I hear they are doing a lot together. Going out to dinner, camping, riding RV's -- things that you would do when dating. Does that necessarily mean anything, like the relationship is good and fun, or am I just being obsessive about things. I don't seek this information out, I am not spying on my wife -- the information just has a way of finding me. Ugh.

I realize it has only been three weeks so more than likely their hormones are still raging and they are still in their "honeymoon" phase, but I just wanted to get some opinions and get some things off my chest. Thanks!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

My ex wife left years ago, and I found out she didn't marry the OM.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Are they spending money and assets of the marriage to live it up? Hopefully you've seen an attorney and have arranged so she is spending only her money.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

So if and when she changes her mind you're going to be waiting for her at home?

The bulk of people here will tell you relationships born of an affair never work out.
It's my experience they work out about as well as relationships not born of an affair.

You're lready dark with her, start looking forward to a life without her rather than wishing for the past you'll never have again.

If she comes back you may be in a very different mind set and decide to tell her you're no longer interested
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whatthefrack (May 16, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Are they spending money and assets of the marriage to live it up? Hopefully you've seen an attorney and have arranged so she is spending only her money.


No, they are spending their money. None of my money is going toward the affair.


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## whatthefrack (May 16, 2012)

tacoma said:


> So if and when she changes her mind you're going to be waiting for her at home?
> 
> The bulk of people here will tell you relationships born of an affair never work out.
> It's my experience they work out about as well as relationships not born of an affair.
> ...


So, that would really mean that the odds are not in their favor. Because, people date a lot of people before deciding to settle down with someone. I dated about 7 women people prior to meeting my wife. At the time I was very much in lust with them -- thought it was love at the time, and that I couldn't live without them. Now, years later I can barely remember why I cared about them so much.

It seems to me, that an affair is a relationship on steroids. It happens very fast before you really have the chance to get to know the person. Very strange to me...


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## whatthefrack (May 16, 2012)

tacoma said:


> So if and when she changes her mind you're going to be waiting for her at home?
> 
> The bulk of people here will tell you relationships born of an affair never work out.
> It's my experience they work out about as well as relationships not born of an affair.
> ...


No, I don't plan on waiting. I am trying to move forward, but it has only been three weeks. I think NC for two weeks is great progress.  It also bothers me how fast she seemed to have moved on. Oh well, I guess...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Yeah, I'd say you were right about the averages but you really can't ever know concerning individual situations.

Affairs aren't really any more of a whirlwind romance than any other relationship in general.
They can and often do take a long time to consummate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I assume you outed their affair and if they have moved in together post his details and photo on cheatersville. Making this affair difficult and unpleasant allows the truth to be known and counters any gas lighting they may try.

I have seen many affair relationships work for many reasons , sometimes they cannot seperate as they will have to admit it was a mistake , or it just works out . I have however seen many more fail and a good exposure helps as their lie is no longer hidden.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

whatthefrack said:


> No, I don't plan on waiting. I am trying to move forward, but it has only been three weeks. I think NC for two weeks is great progress.  It also bothers me how fast she seemed to have moved on. Oh well, I guess...


WTF, I'm so sorry that you're here. Things will get better -- eventually. Hopefully you have your health, and it sounds like you have good friends and family to help you through the rough times. Although it seems like she moved on rather quickly, the reality is she probably checked out some time ago. She was only there in body not in spirit.

Good luck.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Off Topic: What the frack is a common Battlestar Galactica expression. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I was shocked to learn how rare it is for affairs to change to LTR's as my dad and his AP have now been married almost 17 years now. So I had no one else to compare it and my dad turned out to be an exception rather than the rule.

But the figure being tossed around here is 3% of them will last

The main reason is likely due to the fact most affairs are fantasy based and won't stand up to the normal realities and mundane things life throws at you. Add the fact that the AP's are now very aware of the fact that they with a known cheater and trust is major component of a successful relationship, and they lack it.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

The luster u see your memories with her in will begin to dull, her sparkle will fade and someday in the not to distant future you will think.. "omg, what was thinking?"

I promise, it will happen.

Stay focused, your smog will lift.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Frack,
You have a walk away wife. The chances of you ever getting her back are very slim, not that you would want her back anyway. As stated above she was probably done a long time ago but now just decided to officially call it quits with you when romeo came along. As for whether or not the relationship will work, that depends on the two people involved. People leave their spouses all the time for other people. The reasons vary but most of the time it is because the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence. It rarely is more than spray painted concrete so the affair does not last. Sometimes the relationships work and sometimes they don't.

Affairs are based in fantasy. Since the APs have their own separate lives there are no children, no bills, no disease, health problems and other "real life" problems to get in the way. Relationships built on fantasy rarely last once reality sets in but as also stated above it depends on the people involved. Some APs "make" it work to prove to themselves that they don't need their former spouse. Some truly have found someone better than their former spouse. Whatever the reason, as it is truly irrelevant to your situation, you should work on yourself, stay dark, and just forget about her outside the legal stuff. Sounds like you are already on the path and there is nothing more than paper work required for you to be done. I wouldn't take her back though since you will be a back up plan and she will just be with the next man who gives her the dopamine rush she craves. Best of luck here.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

whatthefrack said:


> My wife left me three weeks ago for her AP. Our mutual friends and I don't think it is going to work between them. I've read somewhere (but can't find it again) that people on the outside of affairs are usually very aware of how "odd" the people in the affair are really acting and that they really aren't that compatible.
> 
> I am still in a "fog," I am still hoping my wife will snap out of this. I know this is not healthy. At the same time I have done NC for the past two weeks. I have also been trying to make myself happy by hanging out with friends and loved ones more and generally keeping myself busy.
> 
> ...


She is still your wife, right? Did she have any conversation with you before she left with him? What was decided (if at all) between you two? Did you know their affair before she left you? Did she say or hint that she is leaving you forever, or did she just disappear?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

WTF,

You are young and your wife is a dumbass with the way she has behaved in the marriage.

Get your legal separation in place.

Protect yourself, the home you are in and your education.

Protect your finances and make sure if she gets knocked up by the OM that you are protected.

Keep doing the 180 for you. Make yourself better for the next relationship you are in.

Maybe your WW will come back maybe not. If I was you I would be questioning myself I would still want to be with her.

Why? Because she is messed up, immatuure and a liar/cheater.

Enough said.

Take care of yourself my friend and I am glad exposed her to her family. Take advantage of her guilt and finish your education.

Go find happiness again....

HM64


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