# Men... what do you do in this situation?



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Guys

How would you act in the following scenario?

It is early on a weekday morning when you wake. The kids are up and about, as is your stay at home wife, helping them get ready for school.

She comes to you and complains of feeling ill. She rarely if ever does this. Agonizing stomach cramps, nausea, generally out of sorts. Asks if you can help by taking the kids to school, and further asks if you might be able to get the day off to help her out as she is feeling really sick. To add to this, the youngest child has been ill all week and is still poorly and requires to be at home (ie is contagious.)

You know you are reasonably depended on to be in at work. Your family are working so cannot help out and her family are either working or busy.

What do you do?


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Have you heard?? the flu is going around in addition to norovirus (bad stomach virus). If your child has been sick and requires care and your wife is now feeling ill, why is it even a question? She is asking for help. Can't you call your work and say you need to stay home to care for ill family members?? Most people are expected to go to their jobs, but sometimes you gotta step up and look after the family. Can you work from home at all?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Just to clarify, I am the wife posting about my H. I had really bad cramps from my period, which I should add is not a usual occurrence, along with feeling really nauseous, and the child has the chickenpox.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

If you are sick and it's hard to care for your child w/ chickenpox, I still think your spouse should stay home or help you out as much as possible (take kids to school, pick them up, come home early, make/pick up dinner, for instance).


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The husband should stay home and help. No question.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

If my wife is sick and my kid is sick and my wife needs me home then I would miss work. If it happened all the time, then we would have to come up with a solution that works, as I couldn't miss work all the time.

Not to sound insensitive, but period cramps and chickenpox wasn't what I was expecting in regards to the sickness. When my kids had chickenpox they weren't really anymore work. Just telling them not to scratch, but for the most part they felt fine. If my wife has cramps from her period, I am not sure I could do anything to help.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Leahdorus said:


> ] or help you out as much as possible (take kids to school, pick them up, come home early, make/pick up dinner, for instance).


This is what I was thinking!


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> If my wife is sick and my kid is sick and my wife needs me home then I would miss work. If it happened all the time, then we would have to come up with a solution that works, as I couldn't miss work all the time.
> 
> Not to sound insensitive, but period cramps and chickenpox wasn't what I was expecting in regards to the sickness. When my kids had chickenpox they weren't really anymore work. Just telling them not to scratch, but for the most part they felt fine. If my wife has cramps from her period, I am not sure I could do anything to help.


No not insensitive. Just trying to get perspective. This was a one off situation, I never ask H to miss work usually. I am quite pridefull of how "well" I am usually.

Said child caught chickenpox from one of the older kids. The older one was like you said, very mild and apart from being spotty, was fine really. The littlest who has it now, has it way worse, the itching wakes them at night and we are swapping beds a number of times at night, is also very clingy during the day.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Well...what did YOUR H do?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> Guys
> 
> How would you act in the following scenario?


Call in sick or take a vacation day (of course, I have a job that provides "luxuries" like a vacation).

Nothing you're doing at work can't wait 24 hours.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I would call work and tell them I have a sick spouse and kids, but I will be in for a SHORT period before lunch to catch up on THE MOST IMPERATIVE matters only.

I'd get everyone breakfast, change any diapers or sheets that need changing. Set up some lunch for everyone. Then I'd go to work for about 3 hours and head back home in time to make dinner.

(I'm a woman, but that's what I'd do if I had a SAHH.)


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## EuphoricConfessions (Dec 20, 2012)

I would definitely stay home. I would call my boss and let them know that my wife is sick and is unable to care for out sick child, so I need to take the day off.

I have done this in the past and I have never gotten into trouble at work over it.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> No not insensitive. Just trying to get perspective. This was a one off situation, I never ask H to miss work usually. I am quite pridefull of how "well" I am usually.
> 
> Said child caught chickenpox from one of the older kids. The older one was like you said, very mild and apart from being spotty, was fine really. The littlest who has it now, has it way worse, the itching wakes them at night and we are swapping beds a number of times at night, is also very clingy during the day.


I think a lot of this depends on your husband's job. Some people really do have a very difficult time missing a day. It affects many other people other than just them.

One way to judge would be:

"What would your husband say if you told him you wanted him to stay home and have sex all day?"


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

She never, never, never ask me to help when she's sick. So I guess I would have called in. 


How's that dear?


Oh. and I never, never , never take off.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yeah totally depends on the job and the workload, it is reasonable to ask H to help out which may mean he has to reconfigure his workday a little in order to get things running smooth, this requires his attention... but unless it is emergency room severe than to expect him to take an entire day from work may be unnecessary. If he had a job that could accomodate him coming late and possibly leaving early to pick the kids up after school, that would be the best scenario all around. It's not always the case though.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I think a lot of this depends on your husband's job. Some people really do have a very difficult time missing a day. It affects many other people other than just them.
> 
> One way to judge would be:
> 
> "What would your husband say if you told him you wanted him to stay home and have sex all day?"


Well he works as part of a team. There is another guy who does the same job. So whilst it would be difficult in that they may get behind, there would still be someone there doing the work that needs doing.

I will not comment on the "sex all day" idea ( if you had seen any of my previous posts you would get why, he simply would not be jumping at that!) but he has had sick days after a heavy weekend. So it is not like he wouldn't call in at short notice.

And SunnyT, what did my H do?

I told him I felt awfull. He told me to get up again ( I went to lay down on the bed) and take two painkillers whilst he lay in bed. I had to get back up to help the kids get ready.

He got up a little later and helped change and dress the littlest and tidy up from breakfast. I hadn't had time to find the painkillers so he dug them out and gave them to me. Told the older ones to put shoes/ coats on, and then left for work 5 or 10 minuts later than usual.

Had a text asking if I was "OK?" an hour later, followed by a phone call an hour after that.

Usually has the opportunity to finish a half hour earlier on a Friday but came home at the usual time.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'm the wife... and although it is beautiful to have a husband who WOULD take off work at our request for reasons we feel are dire...and I know my husband would ... If I really needed him too, if I asked. 

But he also knows.. I would never in the world ask this ..... unless I felt I was on death's door or the kid might need to be taken to the Emergency room in the next 8 hrs...& there was a snow storm outside where I couldn't get him or her there. 

I can't think of 1 time I have asked him to stay home for sickness of any kind, even when I had every C-section, I didn't want him wasting his days off to help me..I could handle it on my own. Even if I had to crawl around on all 4's in misery to get a little bit of food with a bucket in my hand.. yes, this sounds awful.... but that's what I would do.....and just wait till he got home to help me. I wouldn't interfere with his work day. That is like throwing $200 away....I'd be mad at myself... but he doesn't have an adjustable schedule either... you miss, you don't get the cash. He doesn't get sick days...though he can use a Vacation day... for me... those are like GOLD. 

My husband is 1 of those workers who hasn't missed a day in like 5 yrs straight...he has to be on his deathbed to call off.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> Guys
> 
> How would you act in the following scenario?
> 
> ...


You do everything you can to support your wife because she's not habitually askng. So call in and stay home. If this weakens your job security then it becomes another issue. If missing one day of work creates workplace problems then you have to go to work and you also realize that you have let down your wife by not being the type of worker who your employee values. Maintaining employment and being able to provide for your family has to be a priority.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Thanks guys. All makes interesting reading.

I will add that right now I am on a bit of a journey of self improvement. I am completely reassessing how I receive and respond to situations with my H.

My initial reaction was upset. I am rarely ill, and felt awful, which is very unusual. I won't go into gory details but let's say it has been a particularly grim day on the female front, coupled with the associated nausea. I am more prone to feeling faint at this time so put all that with a clingy little child who wants carrying on my hip to school and back and I had to sit down a few times 

I tried to rationalize. It is of course *good* that H is dedicated to his job. I understand him taking it seriously.

I realized I felt envious... 

When he feels ill, he simply calls in sick, and goes to bed. 
He does not have to deal with anything. 
He does not run it by me and do what is best depending on how *I* feel about him being sick. 
He stays in bed for as long as he wants and has me looking after him if he needs anything.

If *I* am ill, I do not get to call in sick. I do not get to go to bed. 
I have to deal with everything I usually deal with.
If I want his help I have to ask for it and if I get it depends on how ill he judges me to be.
I do not get to stay in bed or go to bed or have him looking after me.

Fair? No. That is just how it is. But not even to come home a half hour early when he easily could? That *is* upsetting.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Just as a sidenote to the guys who said about going to work...

What help do you give around being in work?

That is, knowing your wife felt ill, do you simply say "I have to go to work darling, sorry" and breeze off, and carry on as a normal working day?

Do you try and negotiate with your employer, say try to get home earlier?

Do you go in late, having helped as much as you can with the school run?

Do you phone around and see if anyone can help out, may be take the preschooler for a couple hours if they are able to? Or pick up the older kids so wife does not have to worry about another school run?

Or anything else?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I am taking off. Thankfully I have a job that is very understanding. 
My wife would be in bed all day and I would be taking care of the boys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I think you're right to be conflicted because him working is a big deal. I also think he needed to either call in or work a half day on this occasion. It's important that you sit down with him and make it clear as day what you think about him not helping you. Basically what you've told us on a couple of posts. And it also needs to be clear as day that if he takes this as nagging or b!tching about something that doesn't really matter that you guys are heading for trouble.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> Just as a sidenote to the guys who said about going to work...
> 
> What help do you give around being in work?
> 
> ...


Having read your other posts, here's what I see: your husband does the absolute bare minimum he can get away with when it comes to your relationship. He nods his way through your discussions and then pretty much does what he wants to do anyway--and generally that happens somewhere else. 

Given that longstanding pattern of behavior, it doesn't seem reasonable to compare what he does to what other men might do in a similar situation. Since running kids around, taking care of sick wives and kids, finding help, rescheduling his day and workload are all things that would require effort on his part, what were you actually expecting *him* to do?


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

I have a laptop, a VPN connection to the office, and a cell phone paid for by my company. When my wife (also a SAHM) is sick I call in and let everyone know that I am working from home. 

I realize that not everyone can do this. I think grand total the company probably has maybe $1,000 invested in this setup (plus monthy fees for the phone). I think they've gotten their money back in increased productivity, because I often catch up on work instead of watching TV.

I hope you feel better.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> What do you do?


I'll answer for my husband. He would go to work.

However I have recently fixed our marriage so it might be different now. Before? Work came first. Period end of story.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Got that call myself.

I was in another city and on duty. My daughter got a 104 fever (young) and my wife called in panicked. I told her to take her to the emergency room and I'd be there as soon as I could

I was three hour drive away. I told my boss I would serve my duty (till 6 am a couple of hours) and then I was gone. It was a lot of hard conversations with work to even get THAT.

In retrospect, I should have just left, but it's one of those jobs if I don't do it, it doesn't happen. Well...I shouldn't say that. We had one c*ck in the mouth co-worker who had planned on moving some stuff and told the company if they paid him a bunch of extra money, he'd do handle things. Certainly not as a FAVOR. Certainly not because it was the right thing to do.


I heard later that they needed to fly someone in from Tenn to actually do something they wanted me to do later.

So there can be significant work implications...but how much is a daughter worth?

My wife got on me in one of these difficult situations and made me feel horrible...but I saw her point too. 

Unfortunately, being away is part of my job.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

WalkingWounded

*You need support from your husband physically and emotionally!!*

If I were talking to your husband I would ask these questions:

1	Who loves your children as much as you do; wife or work?

2	If you mess up at work will work be as kind to you as your wife would if you messed up with her?

3	If you lost your job you could get another one right?

4	If you lost your wife your children could never replace her

5	If you get sick or hurt who will be by your side, your wife or work?

6	Do you want to touch your wife’s heart with being a worker who does not miss many days of work or do you want to touch your wife’s heart by being there for her in a time that means a lot to her?


I could go on but if he does not get it by now then he is missing a golden p opportunity.

*If he does not take off a day that he has coming for you then he is immature and does not have his priorities in the right order.*


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Mr Blunt said:


> WalkingWounded
> 
> *You need support from your husband physically and emotionally!!*
> 
> ...


If he calls routinely for hangover then it isn't his work ethic making him go in. When my son had his accident, when I called my husband I didn't realize how serious it was. It was 5:30 in the morning, he was supposed to work until 11am. Called his boss and said he was leaving. Boss asked if co-worker could handle it on his own - husband told him he didn't give a sh!t - his family needed him. I never ask so he knew it was serious - just like your husband should realize. 
I agree he knows he'll get the lecture but just does what he wants anyways. I don't know if it's him detached or he has always been so selfish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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