# I Will Never understand...



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

..why any betrayed spouse refuses to tell the affair partner's spouse about the cheating. Are folks so devoid of empathy that they think only of themselves?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Arnold said:


> ..why any betrayed spouse refuses to tell the affair partner's spouse about the cheating. *Are folks so devoid of empathy that they think only of themselves?*


They don't see it as "selfish" as not telling them. In fact they think it's the opposite--that it is selfish to tell the other betrayed spouse and "ruin/damage" their marriage. But the irony of that is that their own marriage has been "ruined/damaged" n the same way. they just have the knowledge/all the facts.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

what they think (what usually happens)


-telling AP's spouse will lead to their break up and thus their wayward spouse will leave them for now free AP (most of the time AP throws him or her under the bus)
-they will destroy another marriage (marriage was already destroyed by spouse and their AP)
- wayward spouse will get angry and leave (possible but that isn't true remorse if they do and thus they should leave as it indicates it was already over)


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Yes, but are there truly people who wish they had never known? I suppose there are some.But, the vast majjority of Bss I have communicated with express their gratitude at being told or finding out, as they were doubting their sanity.
So, it is hard for me to imagine that a BS could think they are doing another BS a favor by not telling.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

JB is right, a lot of times, its because the BS thinks they are ruining the other marriage and hurting the other BS, not realizing that it was their WS that already did it. Look at this:



InFlux said:


> Of course opinions are like a$$holes -- everyone has one. *As for mine, I sleep easier at night knowing I'm not complicit in destroying anyone's marriage other than my own* (right now it's just my WW and the OM that's complicit for blowing-up two marriages...) As far as I'm concerned my WW initiated all of this and my WW needs to end all of this if she gives a $hit about her marriage/family. If she can't do that in the face of divorce then karma/life will take care of the rest. I will move on, however, and find a partner worthy of my love and affection.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/33964-hitting-destruct-button-wife-wont-drop-affair-partner-3.html#post466971


The other reason is fear, fear of losing the WS.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I think it's mostly fear that prevents them from exposing it.

I dont think the spouses that will not expose lack empathy, I think the fear of the consequences from the BS trump the empathy though.

That's my hypothesis anyway. 

I can understand that fear. For me the internal fear/panic/indecision I felt was illogical but very real.. I think in most cases exposure/exposing take a great deal of courage. 

Mustering up that courage can be tough when a emotional atomic bomb just went off in your soul.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

I have a hard time understanding why a BS WOULDN'T want to expose. I was all to happy to call the OWH, but it blew up in my face when I realized he knew about the affair and didn't care. He even threatened me and defended my stbxh.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> the other reason is fear, fear of losing the ws.


Bingo


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

They do not wish to suffer the consequences for their actions.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I have left a message today at OW's house since I found out her H gets home before her. So I am hoping I hear from him.. Am really nervous though..... But I did it...


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I would also say the LS fears loosing control over the level of exposure. It's one thing to decide who you want to tell of the affair, but you have no control of the AP's spouse's decisions.

Luckily the decision was taken from me, since the OWH told me of the affair. I am very grateful he exposed, because now we can actually work on my H's personal issues (marital issues too) and make positive changes.

I'm also thankful the OWH wanted the same level of exposure as me. We were prepared to expose more if needed, but it seems a few close family and friends was enough. We didn't have to involve work, since my H agreed to quit. It's all these unknown variables that can make telling the AP's spouse difficult. After d-day, you feel such a loss of control, it would be very hard to give up control in this area too.


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## Looking to heal (Jun 15, 2011)

OK here's my thought experiment for you to consider (I know most of you will disagree):

Imagine there is a person who posts on the Long Term Success Marriage Board how wonderful there marriage is, how happy they are etc.

Imagine their spouse had or is having an affair

I think everyone would agree that odds are this is likely

Imagine no one knows but the spouse and God so exposure is not possible.

I think if the question is is the person I spoke of on the Long Term Success in Marriage Board happier than the one posting on the Coping With Infidelity Board. The answer is clearly yes.

It is a different statement: Given your spouse is having an affair would you rather know or not know.

In the case I mentionned above this is probably the reality for many people who've lived on the earth for centuries and died perfectly happy.

OK now you acquire the knowledge too just you and God.

What are you going to do ?

Clearly it is effective to stop the affair by exposure and this is what you want. That's really all it comes down to not some moral high ground that you think you are standing on. Let's get real.

I think it is a tremendously big area of responsibility to have and one you need to think carefully about.

Suppose you and your spouse don't make it and you've exposed. For you this effort was in vain as far as giving you that chance...

Perhaps too you've suceeded in ending another marriage with kids involved and six months later you find yourself in a new relationship with someone not caring anymore whether your cheating spouse lives or dies.

Wow that is something really profound.

I'm not pro or anti exposure still thinking things through but it amazes me how many people feel this is a no brainer...

Here's a different perspective probably most will not agree with.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Your argument assumes that an undiscovered affair does no harm to the marriage which is a false premise
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Your argument assumes that an undiscovered affair does no harm to the marriage which is a false premise
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just read an interview from a transcript of an old Larry King show. The guest was Charles Kuralt's longtime affair prther, some woman named Pat Shannon, I believe.
Kuralt, that merry, good natured little fudgeball, apparently, had a 30 year affair with this woman. He led a double life for decades, and her kids even considered him part of the family. It only came out after he died and the OW wanted a piece of his estate(which she got, shockingly).
In any case, Larry, ever the *****, just fawned over this woamn and fed her his standard softballs coated with smarmy fawning.
But, the woman was adamant that she did not consider herself a mistress(she was too much of a "feminit" for that) and she never felt like she did his wife any harm.
So, of course, Larry, the lizard, never follows up iwht the question "then why did you do it secretively".
I know the old "ignorance is bliss" deal another poster mentions. But, imagine the level of betrayl Kuralt's wife must have felt to find out her life was a lie all those years.
Wow, even Charkes Kuralt.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Just did and I felt bad for him, since he had no clue...

I was nervous as h*ll, but knew it had to be done.

My H won't be very happy when he finds out... guess should of thought about that before doing it.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

:smthumbu


Numb in Ohio said:


> Just did and I felt bad for him, since he had no clue...
> 
> I was nervous as h*ll, but knew it had to be done.
> 
> My H won't be very happy when he finds out... guess should of thought about that before doing it.


:smthumbup:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Arnold, are you really surprised that Larry King a known cheater and 7 time married man didn't ask the probing questions of a wayward?


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

No, the guy is a complete weasel, some type of slightly more masculine version of Gloria Allred(sp?).


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Exposure definitely has it's place. I think it's too often one of the first things told to newly BS's to do, when waiting till the dust settles a bit might be a better option for them. 

Has anyone here ever exposed and then successfully reconciled? I am curious because it seems to me it would be much harder to expose if the WS and BS have decided to reconcile.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

The affair must end to reconcile. Exposing hastens this, in most cases. At least that is what I have read.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am sure exposing would hasten the affair ending. I am just curious about others experiences with a decision to reconcile and subsequently exposing the affair.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Has anyone here ever exposed and then successfully reconciled? I am curious because it seems to me it would be much harder to expose if the WS and BS have decided to reconcile.


Yes, I am interested in this too.... We ( I ) haven't decided on whether to reconcile or not yet.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Usually, the exposure is done prior to any decison on reconciliation. It is done to end the affair. I have never agreed that exposing post reconciation decison is neccessary, althoug on the marrigebuilders site , some of the more rabid folks want the BS to expose , regardless(they point to consequences and feel it acts as a prophylactic measure against future affairs. Me, I feel if you have to worry about it in the future, it is not worth getting back together.)
In a divorce situation, exposure may still be a good idea, if you want your kids and others to know about the character of the affair partner who is being brought into the kids lives.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

I did not tell the OH because their marriage had been going for 45 years.

I requested my ex not to seduce the woman but he did anyway and I lied to me.

The only reason I finally got proof of the PA was on moving day, I pulled the modem out and there was a email topic line "I love when ur in me". He continued to lie because he still wanted the comfort and "just in case".

I considered revealing but they live in another State and are here only seasonally. Plus they're older and their marriage was so long. I did not want to be the one. I did have a quick conversation with the other woman who lied but of course and I asked if she realized what she was doing to me and her husband. Nothing came of that. They continued their stupidity.

I believe I did what I had to do which was file and get divorced, the rest I leave to God and Karma.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Looking to heal said:


> OK here's my thought experiment for you to consider (I know most of you will disagree):
> 
> Imagine there is a person who posts on the Long Term Success Marriage Board how wonderful there marriage is, how happy they are etc.
> 
> ...


I prefer to live in reality rather than as a deceived cuckold. I would rather deal with the difficult issues head on instead of having my wife treat me with disrespect and having those who know of her affair laughing at me behind my back.

If my wife were in an affair I would rather find a good woman who deserves me.

It isn't about avoiding unhappiness, it is about living with integrity to myself.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I can't find a way to rationalize not exposing an ongoing or recently discovered affair.

If your honest with yourself and the reason is your weak and scared of the consequences, fine. If thats something you've convinced yourself you can live with, ok. At least its honest.

But, I think holding onto any other reason is just deluting yourself.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I guess I am lucky in that there were no other women (he got scammed online, tried hiring escorts, then hired a prostitute) and 2 days after D day he told his own parents exactly and in detail what he did. I hadn't really thought about exposing him to anyone at that time - I think I did have an idea in my head that he was going to have to confess to some people like his parents and maybe mine, but nothing like a plan. 

As far as our kids (ages at that time were 16, 18 and 20), there was no way I was going to tell my oldest because I was scared he would retaliate in a way that would get HIM into trouble. (hubby is their stepdad and hubby's relationship with oldest has never been good) Eventually I did talk to them all about things in general terms, but not specifics.

My parents were just told by me we were split because of infidelity, nothing more.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Numb--keep us posted.



Arnold said:


> The affair must end to reconcile.


See, exposing isn't done just "to reconcile." IMO, the bigger point is so that the other betrayed spouse is fully aware of what is going on in their marriage. Because they have the right to know.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I agree the other spouse has the right to know. That's why I am curious if anyone has experience exposing after deciding to reconcile. Because it does happen that a couple will start to reconcile right away after discovery.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I agree the other spouse has the right to know. That's why I am curious if anyone has experience exposing after deciding to reconcile. Because it does happen that a couple will start to reconcile right away after discovery.


read my story

I waited a month until exposing and I regret that in some ways
but ultimately the exposure did a few things to help the R


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I agree the other spouse has the right to know. That's why I am curious if anyone has experience exposing after deciding to reconcile. Because it does happen that a couple will start to reconcile right away after discovery.


There's a problem if they are trying to R right after DDay. Althought it's most likely its the BS trying to R. Rarely is the affair over right after DDay unless it was a past affair just discovered.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, it is rare, but it can happen. And maybe I'm an optimist, but I can envision a wayward who is so remorseful that they do everything right right from the discovery. not very likely, I know, but it could happen, no?

Speaking of a past affair just discovered - should that also be exposed? If it's a month ago - sure. If it's a year ago - ? What about ten years ago? Or twenty?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Speaking of a past affair just discovered - should that also be exposed? If it's a month ago - sure. If it's a year ago - ? What about ten years ago? Or twenty?


yes, why not? the exception I can think of is if the AP died and the spouse had no clue, why taint the memory I suppose


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## Looking to heal (Jun 15, 2011)

Does an undiscovered affair do no harm to a marriage ? I'm certainly not an expert on this though there are some parts of the world (more so in the case of men) a mistress seems to be a more accepted social practice. This is food for thought and a good point I hadn't considered. I really don't think it's a black and white issue still there is some grey here in my mind.

If you come from a part of the world where you don't believe the statement that it takes more courage not to get into a fight than to fight then you will probably see non exposure as cowardice, maybe it is

I don't care about OM whether he lives or dies

I have no beef with OMs wife and kids, we are in the same boat.

Just feels like a big move to make and needs to be done for the right reason and at the right time.

I fully agree with LM's statement that rarely are discovered affairs immidiately over and feel certainly the challenge of successful R is in the timing and approach.

I don't read a lot of success stories where the BS comes out with all guns blazing right away and it has worked.

In the arsenal of things to do some strategies are guns or rifles and I think exposure is more like the nuclear bomb. There is probably a time and a reason to press the button but should be careful.

Just my opinion


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Looking to heal;484348
I don't read a lot of success stories where the BS comes out with all guns blazing right away and it has worked.[/QUOTE said:


> define "worked" because getting a divorce is a solution to some
> not only that but we have seen exposure done right away on this board with successful R


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

On the contrary, the highest % of reconciliation I have read about ocurred after the BS went nuclear right away.
The morepassive/controlled approach seems to rarely work, if at all.


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## hurt10/1/11 (Oct 2, 2011)

After I found out about my husbands affair, I was devastated and hurt. I haven't seen him since before I found out because of his work schedule but we have talked often. He has been open about things and answering any questions I have. He has also told me about the times the ow has contacted him since I found out. Two weeks ago, my thoughts were of what would make me feel better. In a moment I contacted ow's h and told him that we were trying to work through things but that I needed his wife to stop contacting my husband. Apparently wife didn't share with her husband what had happened even though she told my husband she was going to. I felt bad about hurting ow's husband, but after several conversations with the husband and one with the ow, I felt like I could put my feet on the floor and move on. I told my husband what had taken place and he was very understanding about why I did it and was not upset in the least. So my experience with exposure was not an awful one. Right now, I'm more apprehensive about seeing my husband for the first time since all of this has happened and not knowing what feelings I will have then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, I went pretty nuclear right away  I wonder sometimes if there HAD been an OW what I would have done. I was totally just doing what I thought about at the time, I had no guidance at all.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Yeah, I went pretty nuclear right away  I wonder sometimes if there HAD been an OW what I would have done. I was totally just doing what I thought about at the time, I had no guidance at all.


You nuked but had it wrong? I was referring to nuking after there is no doubt,incontravertible proof.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I went nuclear emotionally right away. The OWH told me, so I was most likely in shock at first. I acted on instinct of self-preservation, which consisted of discovering the whole truth. The thought of living a lie was so distaseful to me, it's what drove me to uncover my new ugly reality.

We are fast approaching the year mark of d-day and we're still on the road of R. Of the people I told of the affair, for emotional support, there's only 1 person I question if it was the right thing to do. She's one of my closest girlfriends, so I don't regret telling since she was supportive during those rough early days. But I can't tell if she's truly supportive of my decision to R or just pretending to be okay with it. She's very black & white, so I can tell it's hard for her to understand infidelity and even harder to understand why I'd want to attempt R.

Many of us have been affected by infidelity, so it's one of the reasons these threads are so helpful . . . we "get it". Prior to d-day I would've been one of those nay-sayers screaming "Divorce! Why try to R with a cheater?" Never thought I'd be the type of person to give it a try.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Arnold said:


> On the contrary, the highest % of reconciliation I have read about ocurred after the BS went nuclear right away.
> The morepassive/controlled approach seems to rarely work, if at all.


Ah yes....the so-called Plan A approach. Here's a good example of that:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/14064-wife-having-emotional-affair-how-handle.html

He did everything according to the Plan A, including writing long love letters, telling her how much he loved her, helping her move out, sending gifts including strawberries, keeping her on his health insurance, helping her with her student loan, helping her with her resume, getting her gifts for her new office, etc, etc. All it did was make him look like a doormat and an unattractive beta male which drove her further away. And he refused to man up. From his thread:

_"The macho attitude and tactic of beating my fists on my chest might work for some people, but it will never work for me. That isn't me at all, and I refuse to pretend as such. Marking my territory and acting like a fool will most definitely run my wife further away, and I feel comfortable saying I know that much about her."_ 

If he were on the forum today, we would be telling him that being a beta male is what drove her away. He tried to compete with the OM, which is impossible. How did she respond to all his nice gestures? She demonized him to everyone, even saying that he was physically abusing her. Real nice, huh?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Arnold said:


> You nuked but had it wrong? I was referring to nuking after there is no doubt,incontravertible proof.


I don't understand the question. I did have incontrovertible proof. Are you wondering why there was no OW?


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