# Communication Issue ruining my marriage



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

This is actually my first post on this site, although I have been active since about two months ago. Finally I decided to see if I can get some solid, sound advice from the TAM support system!

The title might be a bit dull, and hope people will still be interested in giving their imput/advise/recommendations, etc.

I have been married to my wife for coming on two years in May. We have a beautiful 19m. old daughter. I met my wife online, when I moved to a new country and didnt have any friends and took to the internet for social interaction. She was my main friend who I would talk to everyday while I was adjusting to my new environment. She also was living in a different country than the one I had moved too. 

Anyway, since being married, our communication has really become a detrement to our relationship. She is not a native english speaker, as I think this is a big part of it. She is a SAHM raising our daughter. The problem is, I feel, she does not appreciate what I provide for her as if she deserves it just because she is a woman, and I am the man, as she puts it. But aside from not having an apprecitive attitude, I feel she does not do enough around the home for being home all the time. 

Most of our fights though revolve around my daughter. I work 10 hrs a day, and sometimes I might not interact as much as I would like to with my daughter. My teachings for my daughter are not on the same level as my wifes. I am very concerned she will be raised spoiled as my wife gives into her behaviors when I feel she shouldnt' (i.e. if I am feeding my daughter and she is putting up a behavior, my wife has come in with chocolate for her. And I get very frustrated.) I have tried to talk with my wife going on 1 year about getting my daughter on a schedule, which she doesnt seem to understand.

The last thing I want is my daughter and wife to move away from me, which would mean in another country (not my native country). I just feel unappreciated and fed up with her rearing of our child. I have been to a behavior pyschologist for help with my anger, as when she does some of these "puzzling" things I get enraged and question her motives. But the psychologist didnt work, and in the process of looking for another.

My question I guess after rambling pointlessly on is... if any of you have had anger issues in the past and have found ways to harness that anger, can you please give me some tips. It has gotten to the point where me and my wife relationship is on thin ice, and I need to learn how to put my anger with her in check so I can continue to live a life with my daughter.

thank you all who took the time to read this!


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What is your wife's culture? Maybe it is expected for women to be taken care of in her culture? Quite possible.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

yes quite possible, she is from Turkey... another thing is religion, she is muslim, I was raised in not too religious environment and dont' really beleive in such...


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Do you know about her culture to understand how their family roles work? That is just how it will be since she is still there and was raised to expect such.

And the religion thing...it boggles my mind that people get married and don't discuss religion beforehand. Don't try to change her religion, man...that will cut your marriage in half. You knew she was muslim before and now you are bothered by it?  I don't understand. 

Why did you marry her? I mean, so far, some fundamental things are not meshed.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

definatley a cultural clash here, and religious clash, (well I dont care really about religion)... but i do make really bad remarks to her sometimes when we are fighting... saying stupid things like.."when you pray, pray to be a nice person towards others"...

I feel my wife is a very negative person, who passes judgement onto others too easy without even knowing them.

For example, I have many friends who like to drink and play cards together, have been since I moved to this country. She doesnt really know any of them but considers them "bad people" just cause they drink. I get so frustrated. I know I brought this upon myself but I just need to know how to not lose my mind as I feel she is such a narrow minded person.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, how long did yu know her before you married her?

Agree with her when she says your friends are bad. To her, they are and you won't change her mind. But then tell her that you don't see them as bad and tell some good things about them.


If you don't want to fight, then don't fight.

And stop the comments about her praying. It seems that many people treat religion more like a heritage and don't really practice what they preach.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Do you know about her culture to understand how their family roles work? That is just how it will be since she is still there and was raised to expect such.
> 
> And the religion thing...it boggles my mind that people get married and don't discuss religion beforehand. Don't try to change her religion, man...that will cut your marriage in half. You knew she was muslim before and now you are bothered by it?  I don't understand.
> 
> Why did you marry her? I mean, so far, some fundamental things are not meshed.


I totally agree. I didnt talk about religion as it is not a big deal to me, my family is actually muslims too, but I just make that stupid comment when I become angry, nothing really else. So religion is not the issue. 

The fundamental things are: her not showing any appreciation, I dont mind supporting her, I want too, but gesh show me some respect is all i ask. And the upbringing of our kid. I have a social work back ground who worked with children prior, I feel she should be following what I tell her in advice, especially in regards to putting our daughter on a schedule!


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Well, how long did yu know her before you married her?
> 
> Agree with her when she says your friends are bad. To her, they are and you won't change her mind. But then tell her that you don't see them as bad and tell some good things about them.
> 
> ...


I never thought about agreeing with her about my friends, I do tell them they are some of the nicest people I have met, but she judges everyone... I am american, and she just have a view point for every culture, and if one person is bad, she groups the whole countries citizens in that opinion.

You say, dont fight, but damm it is so hard to avoid it!

I really thank you for your input and opinons and taking the time to comment on this. I feeling feel this situation is a like a dead end and I wont get much adive on this subject


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yes, but she is the mother and will do what she feels is right too. No woman wants to be told how to raise her child. Even if the advice is from the dad. Sounds like you don't respect her either.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

I dont respect certain areas with my daughter that I consider HUGE in her upbringing. She needs to be on a schedule, but sometimes is up at 1am at night and sleeps till 11am just because my wife is. I just cannot accept that


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I just wonder why you married her. You are American but what is your culture?


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

I married her cause i love you, very much! We have started a beautiful family, she is from Turkey to answer your question. 

Our marriage has just really took a beating since the birth of our child, the best thing that has happened to me, but my wife and I's relationship has taken a toll since.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Sorry I met her online, we knew eachother 2yrs prior to getting married


----------



## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

I married someone from another country and another culture from mine, and we did not know each other very long before we got married. When I read what you are writing, the first thing I think is yes, you have some big cultural differences. None of the questions like "why did you marry her" matter anymore - you married her, and you are where you are, so let's talk about a few things.

First, look at your wife's culture. Babies have been raised to adulthood for how many centuries in her culture? Have they seemed to turn out okay for the most part? If so, then is it possible that things from your culture (such as your daughter being on a schedule) are not as important as you have always considered them to be? How big of a fight is it worth?

Is it interfering with your marriage in other ways? If so, then there is something to discuss with your wife. Otherwise, it may be that this is an area where you need to give in the childrearing. One thing will become more and more evident as the two of you stay together: Neither of you are going to get your way, nor your culture in every point. However; that said, I have mused even on here at how I expected my wife to have to change culturally since we planned to live in my country, but I had no idea how much I was going to change culturally from being married to her. The lady of the house will have a HUGE cultural impact on your family. That will be very evident in your children. It's something you are going to have to come to grips with, and decide which of these cultural issues are really important. To me, keeping a child on a schedule the way I was raised no longer seems to be such a big deal.

But the child on the schedule is just one example. There are going to be a number of cultural issues the two of you are going to have to work through. Learning to communicate and express why something is important to one or the other of you is something you're going to have to do going forward. Are the two of you able to discuss these things and each see the other's side? And are each of you willing to admit that if you can't really explain why something is important, then maybe it isn't as important as you thought? And are each of you able to see that there is more than one way to successfully do just about anything in your household? If so, can each live with that thing being done differently from how they were raised?

These are just some beginning questions in this.


----------



## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

BTW, someone's religion is part of them. If you don't have a religious upbringing, this may be difficult to understand, but you don't really separate someone from their religion. When you lash out against her in a religious area, it will be a very personal attack against her. It will hurt her perhaps more than you realize. If she changes her religion, (as is sometimes done), then that new religion will likewise be a part of her. When you consider her, you have to see her body, emotions, religion, culture, upbringing as all parts of the whole. You have the whole package you're going to have to deal with if you stay married to her.

That doesn't mean she should never compromise, but things like someone's religious basics tend to be things they cannot compromise. I hope you realize this moving forward. You may not understand it, but it is a basic part of who she is.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

That's why I wanted to know WHY he married her. These issues are HUGE and I couldn't understand why he'd marry someone with such differences.

I know you're right when you say that it doesn't matter WHY but just what now, but can marriages like this work? All these things that add up and both sides wanting their way. It's religion and politics basically...and they don't mesh in this marriage. It's kinda scary.


----------



## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

that_girl said:


> That's why I wanted to know WHY he married her. These issues are HUGE and I couldn't understand why he'd marry someone with such differences.
> 
> I know you're right when you say that it doesn't matter WHY but just what now, but can marriages like this work? All these things that add up and both sides wanting their way. It's religion and politics basically...and they don't mesh in this marriage. It's kinda scary.


Things happen sometimes when you're in another country.

Multi-cultural and multi-lingual marriages have some challenges that others may not. They can work, but people have to be willing to adjust to each other in some pretty big ways. The issues can be big issues, no doubt. We've known some couples who have not worked out, and we've known some who are married now after more than 30 years. I don't have any statistical analysis to show that they are more or less likely to work than marriages in the US where both partners come from the same culture. All I know is that some do. And I know first hand that there are some big cultural adjustments that have to be made. And as I said, I know that BOTH people will be changed culturally if they stay together.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

shy_guy said:


> I married someone from another country and another culture from mine, and we did not know each other very long before we got married. When I read what you are writing, the first thing I think is yes, you have some big cultural differences. None of the questions like "why did you marry her" matter anymore - you married her, and you are where you are, so let's talk about a few things.
> 
> First, look at your wife's culture. Babies have been raised to adulthood for how many centuries in her culture? Have they seemed to turn out okay for the most part? If so, then is it possible that things from your culture (such as your daughter being on a schedule) are not as important as you have always considered them to be? How big of a fight is it worth?
> 
> ...


I agree, the why did I marry her was a bit countrer productive... I married her!

Shy guy, your post really made me see things in a different viewpoint, thank you. I totally agree that if children have been raised by her cultrual ways for years, the issue shouldnt be an issue to dispute about. I guess, i should have written, that it does affect me as I have a to get up at 7am every morning, and my wife, I feel not respecting my schedule, I was seeking to find a issue to dispute with her (and resorted it towards her getting my daughter on a schedule which in turn would make her sleep on mine- if that makes any sense). My wife, when I met her, was one to stay awake all night sleep all day. I have asked her many times to change that, and I felt that she was getting my daughter on her (I consider) unhealthy schedule.

It has affected our marriage in other ways. Since my daughter was born, we do not have any alone time togther. Our sex life has taken a beating. Before my daughter we were active daily, most of the time multiple times a day, now we never have time and sometimes it goes weeks between our intimacy. I never got mad at this, as I understand this is due to my daughter, and I accept that. My wife, is the less understanding, blaming me for the lack of sex, saying I am always tired at night "when she is ready". Mind you, she is ready around 12am-1am, and I just cannot as usually exhausted from lack of sleep from the night prior.

I have tried to explain this to my wife, but she doesn't seem to be understanding of my points/feelings/requests. She is lacking in the compassion towards other individuals department, so my feeling are rarely ever valued (another issue!!) So to answer another question, no we cannot positively communicate on our difference of opinions. I feel I can accept difference in my views and ways I was raised and I due, until ofcourse what she does it just totally ill-logical.

My wife is actually really controlling, and I guess I have allowed that since she gave up her life to come live in another country and I have tried the last two years to make her as comfortable as possible. But the controlling, negative remarks she continiouse makes is really taking a toll on me. I grew up in a very pyschologically abusive household and I see her doing the same verbal abuse to me now. 

Today, just to give you an example of the ill-logic I deal with. Last night I went and played cards with some buddies, there was drinking, and when I left I actually picked up my buddies keys. This morning I went to go return him his keys and my wife asked me to take my daughter with me as she needed to clean. Fine, great. So when my daughter was ready and we were leaving, I went to get my dog to take also. When she saw that I wanted to take my dog alone, she asked said that I cant take the both of them and to leave my daughter then. I couldnt understand her point and another arguement proceeded. Just an example, and I can probably give you 1 each day of what I feel is a controlling, bossy type character that occurs in our house.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

shy_guy said:


> BTW, someone's religion is part of them. If you don't have a religious upbringing, this may be difficult to understand, but you don't really separate someone from their religion. When you lash out against her in a religious area, it will be a very personal attack against her. It will hurt her perhaps more than you realize. If she changes her religion, (as is sometimes done), then that new religion will likewise be a part of her. When you consider her, you have to see her body, emotions, religion, culture, upbringing as all parts of the whole. You have the whole package you're going to have to deal with if you stay married to her.
> 
> That doesn't mean she should never compromise, but things like someone's religious basics tend to be things they cannot compromise. I hope you realize this moving forward. You may not understand it, but it is a basic part of who she is.


Another great point, but in my excuse (not that its worthy) is I do that statement when I become so frustrated with her. I actually really do support her religious beliefs, I do ramadon with her, I am the one who requested she get more involved in her religion as I know if makes her feel good. She just started to pray again 5x a day because I mentioned she should. So I do respect her beliefs and also encourage her. I fully understand her beliefs are strong and will never change, I also accept her beliefs come before me.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

that_girl said:


> That's why I wanted to know WHY he married her. These issues are HUGE and I couldn't understand why he'd marry someone with such differences.
> 
> I know you're right when you say that it doesn't matter WHY but just what now, but can marriages like this work? All these things that add up and both sides wanting their way. It's religion and politics basically...and they don't mesh in this marriage. It's kinda scary.


I agree its a bit scary, but the only thing I can say is I guess we really both thought we could overcome these issues. We are, and it will always be a work in progress, and we both are NOT giving up. HUGE differences just means her and I need to work a bit more harder, but it is something we are commited to.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

shy_guy said:


> Things happen sometimes when you're in another country.
> 
> Multi-cultural and multi-lingual marriages have some challenges that others may not. They can work, but people have to be willing to adjust to each other in some pretty big ways. The issues can be big issues, no doubt. We've known some couples who have not worked out, and we've known some who are married now after more than 30 years. I don't have any statistical analysis to show that they are more or less likely to work than marriages in the US where both partners come from the same culture. All I know is that some do. And I know first hand that there are some big cultural adjustments that have to be made. And as I said, I know that BOTH people will be changed culturally if they stay together.


I could have married a woman in the US and had these same issues, you just never know exactly what is gonna happen. I enjoy her beliefs, she doesnt drink, she is more reserve than US woman, and I dont think divorce is an option like it so easily is done in the US.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Humble Pie said:


> I agree, the why did I marry her was a bit countrer productive... I married her!
> 
> Shy guy, your post really made me see things in a different viewpoint, thank you. I totally agree that if children have been raised by her cultrual ways for years, the issue shouldnt be an issue to dispute about. I guess, i should have written, that it does affect me as I have a to get up at 7am every morning, and my wife, I feel not respecting my schedule, I was seeking to find a issue to dispute with her (and resorted it towards her getting my daughter on a schedule which in turn would make her sleep on mine- if that makes any sense). My wife, when I met her, was one to stay awake all night sleep all day. I have asked her many times to change that, and I felt that she was getting my daughter on her (I consider) unhealthy schedule.
> 
> ...


Ok, but we're only hearing your side of the story about how she's negative, not in the mood, controlling. She probably has some choice adjectives about you too. 

The example you gave above of her controlling ways doesn't seem controlling to me. She wanted you to take the baby so she could clean the house. You agreed. You also wanted to bring the dog with you. I don't know why you wanted the dog also. In your post you didn't explain why the dog had to go too. If your wife wanted you to take only the baby, why didn't you leave the dog behind? Why did you dig in your heels about taking the dog too? I don't understand why that's even an issue for you. Perhaps your wife doesn't want the dog around the baby. I don't know what her reasons are, but new mothers are very protective about their offspring. I have a muslim friend who isn't that enamored of dogs. She said dogs are considered dirty in her culture. I don't know how true that is, but I wonder if there's some cultural issue at play with your wife and the dog. Whatever it was, I would have left the dog behind, taken the baby to the friend's house and allowed my spouse to clean the house as she wanted. It seems to me both of you could have handled the situation better. She's not more in the wrong.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> Ok, but we're only hearing your side of the story about how she's negative, not in the mood, controlling. She probably has some choice adjectives about you too.
> 
> The example you gave above of her controlling ways doesn't seem controlling to me. She wanted you to take the baby so she could clean the house. You agreed. You also wanted to bring the dog with you. I don't know why you wanted the dog also. In your post you didn't explain why the dog had to go too. If your wife wanted you to take only the baby, why didn't you leave the dog behind? Why did you dig in your heels about taking the dog too? I don't understand why that's even an issue for you. Perhaps your wife doesn't want the dog around the baby. I don't know what her reasons are, but new mothers are very protective about their offspring. I have a muslim friend who isn't that enamored of dogs. She said dogs are considered dirty in her culture. I don't know how true that is, but I wonder if there's some cultural issue at play with your wife and the dog. Whatever it was, I would have left the dog behind, taken the baby to the friend's house and allowed my spouse to clean the house as she wanted. It seems to me both of you could have handled the situation better. She's not more in the wrong.


Thanks for your reply, but I never said my wife wasnt in the mood (i think you mean sexually??) please clarify. Oh I am sure she has some objectives towards me too!!

The issue with the dog, the dog lives in our house, she enjoys the dog, I should have mentioned that. Yes, in the koran, dogs are considered dirty, and usually were just used to protecting. But that is the premitive koran dating back 100's of years, most muslims have adjusted in that regard. lol

My wife was just in a bad mood, and tried to be controlling. Again the dog lives in the house is actually my daughters dog.

I wanted to take my dog cause my friend has a dog, and it didnt seem like a big deal to me, thus I just considered my wife, due to her mood, trying to be difficult and controlling.


----------



## Subi (Apr 4, 2012)

many times when we agree to marry people from different cultures we dont often stop to reflect how these cultural differences will play out in our marriages. I married a man from a different country and different culture. When i got introduced to his culture i found it very strange indeed. Not only did i despise it but i wanted nothing to do with it. So even though we choose to ignore these differences during courtship they can break or make a marriage. You need to work on your anger issues also you need to lessen yo expectations of her. You need to find common ground and work on that. Some people are raised that way ie men have to provide so the fact that you do is no big deal to her. Oh you have yo work cut out. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## getolife (Apr 10, 2012)

There are many, many ways to raise a child successfully and even couples who grew up across the street with very similar backgrounds will not always agree on what is best. That much is normal. There is no level of training that makes you an absolute expert on raising children and if your wife is raising your child in her culture she is the expert. If you want her to hear your input you will have to present it with all due respect and not with an attitude that she doesn't know what she is doing. It could very well increase her respect for you if she feels that you respect her.

It really sounds like you are having issues with communication. She is not showing her appreciation for your role as her husband and the father of her child in ways that are meaningful to you. This does not necessarily mean that she doesn't appreciate you--it could be strictly a communication issue.

It could also be that she is feeling unappreciated, especially if she is home alone with a toddler all day and worn out only to have you walk in and try to tell her everything she is doing is wrong or that she is stupid and incompetent--which is the message she gets when you criticise her care for your child. Try to show a bit of appreciation and let her know that you'd like to hear from her what she appreciates about you. 

Talk to her about the cultural differences and let her know what you want and need from her while asking her what she wants and needs from you. Listen. Really listen. Sometimes that simple conversation can clear up a lot of the stuff that might turn into resentment or major arguments later on.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

getolife said:


> There are many, many ways to raise a child successfully and even couples who grew up across the street with very similar backgrounds will not always agree on what is best. That much is normal. There is no level of training that makes you an absolute expert on raising children and if your wife is raising your child in her culture she is the expert. If you want her to hear your input you will have to present it with all due respect and not with an attitude that she doesn't know what she is doing. It could very well increase her respect for you if she feels that you respect her.
> 
> It really sounds like you are having issues with communication. She is not showing her appreciation for your role as her husband and the father of her child in ways that are meaningful to you. This does not necessarily mean that she doesn't appreciate you--it could be strictly a communication issue.
> 
> ...


Exactly!!, even people living in the same town, same street will have different views of living/raising their children!! I was actually going to edit my last post and mention that same point. Why don't "some" people understand that, its not about cultural differences, its about how YOU were raised and also what you have learned to make you make decisions. And you are absolutely right, I should learn to discuss my points as my points and not the "way it should be".... great advise thanks!

This was very good advise, sometimes I do come home and start to search for issues to debate about, comepletely stupid on my part. You are very understanding and have giving good suggestions, thank you. I will work on that!


----------



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I'm another American who married into a different country and culture (although my husband is from the country where we live now). Communication is HUGE in these marriages. 

In reading your posts, I'm wondering - is she from a city or a small village? Have you spent very much time in Turkey? I don't claim to be an expert, but there is a HUGE difference in culture between Istanbul (for example) and a little village. Many Turkish women are more 'western' than the average European woman, and FAR more so than any Turkish community living abroad (say, in Germany). If she's from a small village, then it's very different - there women do have very traditional roles - but not in the cities. 

Do you speak Turkish? I know it's a hard language (I'm learning it at the moment) but if you take Turkish lessons and at least make an effort to speak her language, you may find that your communication improves. I assume you are doing one parent / one language with your daughter, so you speak English to her and she speaks Turkish to her? And then you speak English amongst yourselves? Most people are happy when their partner tries to learn their language - even if not too successfully. I can tell you from personal experience that my husband LOVES that I speak his language - it makes him feel really good. But when I don't want to (tired, grumpy, whatever), I really appreciate that we can switch into English. (Turkish is rough, grammar-wise. It's not for the faint of heart. But it is a fun language. <- I'm not married to a Turk, though, just pointing that out from my own Turkish language classes!)

As for the child-rearing aspects, I don't have a child myself so I don't have any advice - but I suspect that with you gone 10 hours/day, she probably resents your lack of active child-rearing duties. She already feels like she does EVERYTHING which may lead her to be very easily resentful if she asks you to do something (take your daughter for an hour) and you don't do it the way she wants (w/o dog or whatever the details are). I'm not saying it's 'right' but it's very understandable. Spending ALL DAY with a toddler alone will drive most normal adults practically insane. I would cut her MAJOR slack if she's not got a strong support system around her.

Speaking of which, you're living in a 3rd country if I understand correctly - does she have friends/family in the country where you live now? And are they close by? Does she see them? Or are you the only adult with which she has any real contact on a daily basis? Because that can easily drive a person to distraction and something as simple as getting her involved in a moms' group of some sort could go a long way to helping the situation. I don't even have a child but since I live in a foreign country, I have a harder time making friends here - so I think I can imagine how it could be for her, if she's in a similar situation.

Good luck... try to give her the benefit of the doubt because as lovely as I'm sure your daughter is, non-stop childcare is absolutely soul-sucking and exhausting and I wouldn't be surprised if she has major resentment towards you - and if her culture is as traditional as you say, she probably has no way to express that resentment appropriately. 

Enrolling your daughter in a daycare isn't a bad idea either, for a few hours/day. That will provide a schedule (has to be awake at a certain hour, and the whole day flows from that) and give your wife a few hours alone, plus the opportunity to interact with other local moms. Depending on how it works in your country you may be able to get her into a state-run daycare around age 2, and she will get to be socialized with her peers, which is always a plus.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

omega said:


> I'm another American who married into a different country and culture (although my husband is from the country where we live now). Communication is HUGE in these marriages.
> 
> In reading your posts, I'm wondering - is she from a city or a small village? Have you spent very much time in Turkey? I don't claim to be an expert, but there is a HUGE difference in culture between Istanbul (for example) and a little village. Many Turkish women are more 'western' than the average European woman, and FAR more so than any Turkish community living abroad (say, in Germany). If she's from a small village, then it's very different - there women do have very traditional roles - but not in the cities.
> 
> ...


Hi Omega! you found me...LOL... I know we might have had a minor dispute on another thread, but thank you for giving me some solid advice and imput/suggestions!!

My wife, from what I gather, family came from a small village (I think), she kinda seperated herself from her traditional family roles (marrying a turkish man-staying with her family, etc) and moved to Istanbul I think about 10 years ago. I met her in Istanbul, I have not been to her families town or even met her mother, father....yet.

I have been to Istanbul, but really have only been to visit her, not spending too much time there. I do not know the Turkish language. I have attempted to learn (not putting in too much effect to be honest) but have only learned various words. It would improve our communication 100% if I were able to speak fluently ofcourse. And ofcourse if she was fluent in english too, but she does try her best and I respect her for that. Yes, with my daughter, she will grow up bi-lingual, learning turkish from wife, and english with me. And when we are all together it is english due to my lack of acquiring any other language.

You make a great point in cutting her slack due to lack of support system, which she only has us here in the country we live. I need to really give my wife more credit for everything she has done. She sacraficed her life for me, and I do not take that into consideration much. She has two friends here she does/can speak with everyday, both are not turkish so she is not very close with these two, and primarly see's them for social interaction for my daughter as both (friends of my wife's) have children. 

Maybe she does have resentment towards me?? your point is one I never thought to consider. I might seem like a total ass here by saying this but she does have the option of taking on a maid to help with household chores, I will provide whatever accomidation for her- if we need a driver for her, maid, nanny, etc. whatever it is she feels she needs she knows we can "get it". 

That daycare is something we have been talking about. I have started to plant the seek in my wife's head that this situation will be coming around the corner rather quickly. I think my wife wants this to prolong as much as possible as her whole livelihood is spending time with my daugher all day, not matter how difficult it might be. And it is difficult, I might have not acknowledged that in this post but yes, my wife has a tougher job than me with dealing with my daughter, I tell her that. But I also tell her she should be thankful, as where I come from and my background a mother has to work and does not have the opportunity to stay at home. I come from a middle class background/upbringing. 

Thank you for taking the time to speak to me positively with regards to my situation, it is much appreciated Omega!


----------



## Subi (Apr 4, 2012)

well done omega as always..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Humble Pie said:


> yes quite possible, she is from Turkey... another thing is religion, she is muslim, I was raised in not too religious environment and dont' really beleive in such...


Religion must be playing a big role in your disagreements with her.
To her, religion is very important and to some point it's a way of life, while to you that's almost the opposite. 
This means you could be living 2 different lives/mentalities within the house and this is causing you trouble. 

I am "muslim" too, but I have never cared about this fact because I don't care about religion all that much and that's why I wouldn't marry someone for whom religion is very important/plays a big role in their life. 

You come from 2 different cultural backgrounds and this makes you fall apart.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Religion must be playing a big role in your disagreements with her.
> To her, religion is very important and to some point it's a way of life, while to you that's almost the opposite.
> This means you could be living 2 different lives/mentalities within the house and this is causing you trouble.
> 
> ...


Religion plays no role in our disagreements, did you read this post? You must please read again, or next time you comment read all the posts. Religion is a relationship with a higher power, not with me, and we do not have disputes over religions discussions. I really dont know where you got that idea.

Where I come from, the US, so many cultural backgrounds are having inter-racial marriages, it is something, that is occuring in todays times, just means people have to work harder to work together. 

Update with me since people are still posting: my wife and I have had a great month (this past) and we are planning our 2nd year anniversay trip to the Maldives. We continue to work and continue be as a family. I know people from the same culture who havent lasted this long (not that this is long or anything).

Also, this thread has gone in all different direction, as in my initial post I requested help for anger managerment issues, and nobody has addressed the one area I requested help in!! funny!!


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Humble Pie said:


> My question I guess after rambling pointlessly on is... if any of you have had anger issues in the past and have found ways to harness that anger, can you please give me some tips. It has gotten to the point where me and my wife relationship is on thin ice, and I need to learn how to put my anger with her in check so I can continue to live a life with my daughter.
> 
> thank you all who took the time to read this!


the only one who discussed issues of anger was Shy guy, who was very ensightful, nobody address the one area I asked help in...thanks


----------



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Humble Pie said:


> Update with me since people are still posting: my wife and I have had a great month (this past) and we are planning our 2nd year anniversay trip to the Maldives. We continue to work and continue be as a family. I know people from the same culture who havent lasted this long (not that this is long or anything).
> 
> Also, this thread has gone in all different direction, as in my initial post I requested help for anger managerment issues, and nobody has addressed the one area I requested help in!! funny!!


I'm happy to read that you've had a great month and happy 2nd anniversary! My H and I are celebrating our 2nd anniversary tomorrow 

To answer your original question about anger management, I had some big problems with anger management when we were first married. I was particularly lucky in that my husband happens to be one of the most emotionally/psychologically balanced and calm people you can imagine so within a period of about 6 months the situation completely resolved itself. I'll try to explain:

When we were first married, and in the months leading up to it, I would get VERY upset over things that were, objectively speaking, not a big deal - but in the moment, they seemed like a HUGE deal to me (I could even have told you that they were minor issues during my anger - but I couldn't control the anger itself). Well, we were living in a huge city and I had a stressful job. After a few months, we moved to a very quiet area, I stopped working, and we developed a special 'code' so to speak so that when I started to feel like I was getting angry, I could alert him and he would instantly attempt to relieve my building anger. In my particular case this worked wonders. Within only two or three months of moving, I went from getting furious over nothing once/week to it basically not happening anymore. It's been about 18 months since all that happened, and I can't honestly remember the last time I got angry - probably over 10 months now. 

The thing that seemed to help the most was our 'early warning system' where I have a 'secret word' that no one else would understand the context, that tells him that I am 'at risk' of getting angry. It sounds weird, but when we were living in the middle of nowhere (we've since moved to a town), there were no psychologists or therapists and we had to get creative. 

I have no idea if this could help someone else, and of course if you DO have a therapist you could try that route. But I figured I'd share since it worked so well for us.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

thank you Omega for your sincere post!!! Hey happy late anniversary, that is awesome- congradulations!!! 

its funny i thought too that I was very easy going person, and well rounded with my temper, as I am a social worker who works with disadvantaged populations, also a behaviorist for autistic children. But boy has that been totally not the case with me with this marriage. lol

that is great you and your husband have been able to work together to find a good solution to your anger problems. My wife just tells me I am sick and need a doctor... so not much understanding from her point and all the blame goes to me... anyhow, as I mentioned we have had a great month, and I have learned not to take everything so serious, I have not even pressed the "schedule" with regards to my daughter anymore, as Shyguy mentioned, it isnt that a big of deal. I think about her role as a mother, being alone here, and how hard it must be to raise/care for our child when I am gone to work, and have given her much praise for that (as you mentioned!!)

Thank you so much for the advise and taking time to respond to my posts


----------

