# Advise



## Fenix09 (Jul 16, 2013)

I have been married for 11 years last week. While dating we would make out or have sex daily. That basically stopped when we got engaged. Now it might be 2-3 times a month...and reducing. I have tried to talk to her about it but all I get is "it is not important to me." and "I don't want to talk about it." We have two kids but this was becoming an issue before they came along. 

I guess it has really hit home right now because last week was our 11 year anniversary. After having a full blowup last year when I got a babysitter and made reservations at a very nice restaurant (we were already overseas visiting her grandparents and aunts she said I spent too much money and we don't need to get a babysitter just to be alone on our anniversary), I opted to get her the DSLR camera she has been wanting, and the kids and I made her favorite breakfast in bed. The kids and I all made her homemade cards to go with it. She has yet to even say happy anniversary.

The issue has been building for years, I have even tried to get into counseling but she refuses to go insisting "Sex is not an important part of life and never crosses her mind until I have to bring it up". This morning, after I initiated a fight by giving her a morning hug and kiss on the forehead, was told to just go get some porn and take care of it myself from now on.

I am at a loss, Maybe I should have seen it. I mean her parents have never slept in the same room and are rarely in the same room with each other and I have known them for 18 years now. I don't want to give up on the marriage because I do love her, and honestly could not see myself being with anyone else in that way. I especially don't want to lose the ability to see and be with my kids on a daily basis. I know she would move back to her parents over 6 hours away.

I am just at a loss for what to do, or how to even get her to go to a marriage or couples counseling.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sorry you find yourself here. There are many others in a similar sitch so hopefully you might find some help.

Unfortunately, the consensus is usually that if you really aren't willing to leave over it, no change will occur. So then the question just becomes how do you take care of yourself and try to stay happy while filled with resentment?

If you honestly cannot see yourself being with anyone else in that way, that sounds like you are kinda doomed since she is telling you straight up to just go take care of yourself.


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Its not right, at all. That is no way to treat a spouse. I don't know that I have amy advice - but I hope your future holds more sex and affection than you could hope for - either with your wife or someone else.


----------



## Fenix09 (Jul 16, 2013)

Thanks, That is exactly how I feel. I have gone out of my way to try to make things work over the years. Let her quit her job to stay at home because that was the first excuse...Taken expensive romantic vacations by here request to Bermuda and multiple to Jamaica. All to be shot down by "we are here to relax so no sex".

I just wish I knew how to broach the subject of counseling without causing her to blow up and leave (the next day or two while I am at work) with the kids for a couple of days without even letting me know they are ok. 

Thanks for talking, at least I know there are many in the same boat. I really don't get it because she is constantly griping about her Brother in-law not sleeping in the same room or showing any affection toward her sister, yet it is exactly what she is doing to me.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

As the women have already said, this is a tough situation you're in, but you're not alone here, and we all feel for you.

It appears that your wife is not in love with you, nor is she attracted to you. Until you are ready to give up the marriage, there will be no change, and even then, she may very well let you walk.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Are you saying that if you even mentioned that you would like her to join you in marriage counseling that she would take your kids away from you and not allow you to speak to them or her? And has she done this before?

Wow.

That's not love, Fenix. If that is your reality, you have much worse than just a sexless marriage.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Fenix09 said:


> "it is not important to me." and "I don't want to talk about it."


That is because you are presenting yourself as a I'll do anything for sex husband. It's probably a turn off for her.

While it may not be important to her, it is important to you and if she is not willing to be your wife in whole, you are not willing to be her husband in kind. You are not stating your needs and expectations other than to beg and do dog tricks. Sit her down and make sure she understands this is a core part of "YOUR" expectations in marriage and if she is not willing to work on it then the marriage is in danger of failing. Never beg for sex, initiate it! Never apologize for desiring your wife, she should be honored that you do. And finally if there is emotional distance between the two of you don't underestimate the power of a good healthy sex life to draw you closer.


----------



## Fenix09 (Jul 16, 2013)

Yes, three separate times. Twice on Father's Day and once on my 36th birthday. 

I just really want to try and talk it through with a counselor before I consider divorce.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> As the women have already said, this is a tough situation you're in, but you're not alone here, and we all feel for you.
> 
> It appears that your wife is not in love with you, nor is she attracted to you. Until you are ready to give up the marriage, there will be no change, and even then, she may very well let you walk.


Yup. You have leverage at your disposal, but if you're unwilling or afraid to use it, well, then it does you no good. You might ask her if it's ok for you to have a mistress.... you say that you can't imagine yourself with anyone else, but I suspect you'd get over that quick if you had permission to stray.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Fenix09 said:


> Yes, three separate times. Twice on Father's Day and once on my 36th birthday.
> 
> I just really want to try and talk it through with a counselor before I consider divorce.


A counselor will not convince her of the merits of staying with a man she does not love, and is not attracted to. She has to want that for herself. I have a feeling that if you do manage to convice her to go to counselling, she will use it as an opportunity to start preparing emotionally for the divorce.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Yup. You have leverage at your disposal, but if you're unwilling or afraid to use it, well, then it does you no good. *You might ask her if it's ok for you to have a mistress....* you say that you can't imagine yourself with anyone else, but I suspect you'd get over that quick if you had permission to stray.


This. Screw porn, go for the hot little chippy, or find a chick that looks just like your wife...see if that wakes her up  Somehow, I doubt it will...


----------



## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I am an LD wife and I agree with the others. She doesn't seem to love or appreciate you at all, and on top of that she is controlling and bullying you into a submissive ball. I feel guilt over being LD, I love my husband and work on this all the time. I don't belittle him and threaten him. 

Does she like sex at all? Is she inhibited? My husband and I had to do a lot of work on our sex life to get past inhibitions and even repulsion on my part. It can be done but only if she is motivated to do it.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Giro flee said:


> I am an LD wife and I agree with the others. She doesn't seem to love or appreciate you at all, and on top of that she is controlling and bullying you into a submissive ball. I feel guilt over being LD, I love my husband and work on this all the time. I don't belittle him and threaten him.
> 
> Does she like sex at all? Is she inhibited? My husband and I had to do a lot of work on our sex life to get past inhibitions and even repulsion on my part. It can be done but only if she is motivated to do it.


I have read many of your posts, and respect what you are trying to do with your marriage. You are one of the very few.

In this case, I don't think she is LD, I just think she doesn't want to have sex with her husband. I have a feeling her LD would go away in a hurry if she was found a man she was attracted to.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*"I just really want to try and talk it through with a counselor before I consider divorce."*


You will benefit from an individual counselor more than a marriage counselor. What you need to do is find out what YOU want, since your wife has already made it clear what SHE wants.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Start going out after work and don't tell her where you are going. Stop taking her on vacations next anniversary go out yourself don't get her anything maybe then she might change her tune but I doubt it.


----------



## Fenix09 (Jul 16, 2013)

Amplexor said:


> Sit her down and make sure she understands this is a core part of "YOUR" expectations in marriage and if she is not willing to work on it then the marriage is in danger of failing.


That is the conversation that sets her off, because "Just because you want sex does not mean I want it or that I have to give it to you" and finishes with "Then leave and good luck getting to see your kids."

You are all right. Perhaps it is time to cut and see where the chips fall. My kids are my life though, as I am with them every moment from the time I get home from work to the time I put them in bed. Because my wife retreats to facebook, candy crush, 16 and pregnant, Teen Mom, and My Daughters Pregnant and I am Too.

Thank you all for at least listening it has really taken a weight off my shoulders just to talk about it.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Fenix09, if the things we have been saying, and me in particular seem very harsh, it is because the picture presented is very very bleak. I know you are struggling with this, and it may not be easy to hear. We have seen situations similar to how you describe yours play out over and over again, it is almost scripted. The end result is very seldom the one you want.

I can see how cold what we have said seems, especially considering you are wanting desperately to work this out. I just think these are things you need to hear. It's called the 2x4 around here


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Fenix09 said:


> That is the conversation that sets her off, because "Just because you want sex does not mean I want it or that I have to give it to you" and finishes with "Then leave and good luck getting to see your kids.".


Your wife is a controlling bully. Time to make a stand and if that leads to divorce so be it. What kind of an example would you be setting for the kids under these conditions. This is not a marriage, it is a dictatorship.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Fenix09 said:


> That is the conversation that sets her off, because "Just because you want sex does not mean I want it or that I have to give it to you" and finishes with "*Then leave and good luck getting to see your kids*."
> 
> You are all right. Perhaps it is time to cut and see where the chips fall. My kids are my life though, as I am with them every moment from the time I get home from work to the time I put them in bed. Because my wife retreats to facebook, candy crush, 16 and pregnant, Teen Mom, and My Daughters Pregnant and I am Too.
> 
> Thank you all for at least listening it has really taken a weight off my shoulders just to talk about it.


HA! Get a decent lawyer, and bury her! That is assuming you don't have any issues that would stand in your way such as drug addiction, convictions, no job, abusive. She'll likely have the kids more than you, but you can get things really close to 50-50 no matter how much she screams and cries.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Fenix this is very sad...your wife has you by the throat and worse than that, she thinks it is funny. 

Why do you love someone who would hurt you like this?

Totally aside from the sexless issue, why would you love her when she clearly has nothing but contempt for you?


----------



## Fenix09 (Jul 16, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> This. Screw porn, go for the hot little chippy, or find a chick that looks just like your wife...see if that wakes her up  Somehow, I doubt it will...


Well the sister is her Identical twin! Too bad I really don't like her attitude.


----------



## Fenix09 (Jul 16, 2013)

Giro flee said:


> I am an LD wife and I agree with the others. She doesn't seem to love or appreciate you at all, and on top of that she is controlling and bullying you into a submissive ball. I feel guilt over being LD, I love my husband and work on this all the time. I don't belittle him and threaten him.
> 
> Does she like sex at all? Is she inhibited? My husband and I had to do a lot of work on our sex life to get past inhibitions and even repulsion on my part. It can be done but only if she is motivated to do it.


She used to enjoy it a lot and I know of one friend she would brag about it to. Then once we got married it was different. It turned from spontaneous wherever we were at the moment to at home in bed then to only on the weekend. Now it usually last about a 30 minutes...mostly foreplay to get her in the mood and a couple of minutes of intercourse until she pushes away saying "I had enough...well are you going to finish yourself or not" usually not as I am so hurt and rejected.

I guess I should start preparing for the split. At least I got to great kids, and other than the sex 18 memorable years. I guess I should be thankful some never find that. I have great friends and family that will help me sort through this. I just hoped my son and daughter would not have to grow up in two homes.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I know this is difficult. Most people don't ever think they will be faced with this decision.

Please do get some individual counseling.

And might as well talk to a lawyer too, just to see where you will stand as laws are different in each state.


----------



## Fenix09 (Jul 16, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> HA! Get a decent lawyer, and bury her! That is assuming you don't have any issues that would stand in your way such as drug addiction, convictions, no job, abusive. She'll likely have the kids more than you, but you can get things really close to 50-50 no matter how much she screams and cries.


No, I dont drink, dont smoke, dont do drugs, Volunteer building and ground maintenance at my church. Coach my sons baseball team, and help my wife teach her sunday school classes. No out of wedlock children, in fact my wife is the only woman I have ever been with. I wanted to make sure she was the one, I mean we dated for 7 years you would have thought I would have seen it...guess love really is blind.

I guess I just needed to have my eyes opened. Thank you. And I will be going to the the counselor solo. I had an appointment setup for both of us but will be going it alone.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Fenix09 said:


> That is the conversation that sets her off, because "Just because you want sex does not mean I want it or that I have to give it to you" and finishes with "Then leave and good luck getting to see your kids."


Because your actions are in conflict with your words. You complain, but then take her on three separate beach vacations and buy her an expensive camera. Do you see how she hears that it really is not the big of a deal?



> You are all right. Perhaps it is time to cut and see where the chips fall. My kids are my life though, as I am with them every moment from the time I get home from work to the time I put them in bed. Because my wife retreats to facebook, candy crush, 16 and pregnant, Teen Mom, and My Daughters Pregnant and I am Too.
> 
> Thank you all for at least listening it has really taken a weight off my shoulders just to talk about it.


There options between staying and leaving. Yes, you need to be willing to leave, but try aligning your actions with your words. Quit doing all the nice stuff for her and look out for yourself. Make clear that her unwillingness to care about your needs means you need to look out for you, thus you will have less time for her. She will ask if it is about sex. Your response is that the lack of sex is merely symptom of her putting you last.

Then go do some things for yourself. Have fun and be the guy that she first started dating.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Fenix09 said:


> Well the sister is her Identical twin! Too bad I really don't like her attitude.


And you're staying with your wife because of hers...?


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Because your actions are in conflict with your words. You complain, but then take her on three separate beach vacations and buy her an expensive camera. Do you see how she hears that it really is not the big of a deal?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I agree that he should do these things, but in this case, he needs to do them without caring about his marriage, or trying to get his wife interested in him again. More along the lines of practice for his next relationship, and just having fun for himself. If his wife has ogtten to the point of telling him to go use porn instead of bothering her for sex, that is very serious to the point where I think she is gone with no chance of coming back.


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

After seeing the counselor, see an attorney and understand what divorce would look like for you. You may see an incredible change inyour wife if you have her served with divorce papers.

Realize that there are countless wonderful women out there looking for a great guy like you. You will be close to 50:50 with your kids in any divorce unless you are a poor father, so stop listening to her bullying on the kids.

Search here for info on the "180" and put it into action

Good luck.


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

sorry, duplicate post


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I agree that you should see a lawyer as well as a counselor. She may be good at taking the kids and stomping off for a few days - because she knows that is how to hurt you and get you to submit to her terms.

That conversation might go a bit differently after you are informed of your rights. Shes not working - what is her life going to be like if you file for divorce? Perhaps she needs a dose of reality to get over her attitude.

Or perhaps you could ask if your parents could adopt her and then you could live as relatives but sex would be totally off limits and you could date women who know the difference between relatives and romantic partners.


----------



## mrbambino (Jun 18, 2013)

I really feel sorry for you, a situation I don't wish for anybody!
But honestly she doesn't seem to love you, and you can't just devote all your life for the kids who will grow up and leave in a few years and you end up stuck with a person who doesn't make you happy, that's in case she didn't get bored and leave before that! Find another wife who's willing to enjoy life and marriage!


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Fenix09 said:


> No, I dont drink, dont smoke, dont do drugs, Volunteer building and ground maintenance at my church. Coach my sons baseball team, and help my wife teach her sunday school classes. No out of wedlock children, in fact my wife is the only woman I have ever been with. I wanted to make sure she was the one, I mean we dated for 7 years you would have thought I would have seen it...guess love really is blind.
> 
> I guess I just needed to have my eyes opened. Thank you. And I will be going to the the counselor solo. I had an appointment setup for both of us but will be going it alone.


Where to even start with you ? She's your only one ? Are you HER only one ? 

Are you sure she's not been cheating on you this whole time ? 

Why the hell are you taking this undeserving half a wife on vacations ?!?!

She is a bully. She is a lazy. She conned your a$$ into not even having to work ! 

She told you to get porn and take care of it yourself ?? She used the kids as weapons against you saying go ahead and leave and good luck seeing your kids ??

Curious about one thing. Is yours one of those marriages that people from the outside envy ? The whole, put on the good show in public thing ?


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

May I ask what part of the world is she from, and whether she benefited immigration wise by marrying a local? 

As my own experience marrying someone from a different culture has taught me, there are parts of the world that, ehem, do things a wee bit different. Trying to reconcile two or three cultures is a full time job in itself (and the topic of a five figure college scholarship winning essay written by my older daughter...)

If you live in a theocratic state (ie a Red state ) custody may not be that easy to get without deep pockets. Find out what is involved etc.


----------



## Fenix09 (Jul 16, 2013)

She is from here, he dad came here for his masters and married her mom. The vacations were because she said she needed more romance...and wanted to go to the beach. I was simply doing what I thought any husband trying to reconnect with his wife would do. The camera was because I wanted to celebrate the good times in our marriage, any time not alone, and help her get further with her hobby and perhaps help it develop into a career.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Fenix09 said:


> She is from here, he dad came here for his masters and married her mom. The vacations were because she said she needed more romance...and wanted to go to the beach.


Well you now know that was a lie. She didn't want any romance with you. She just wanted to use you. So, what are you going to do about it?


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I have read many of your posts, and respect what you are trying to do with your marriage. You are one of the very few.
> 
> In this case, I don't think she is LD, I just think she doesn't want to have sex with her husband. I have a feeling her LD would go away in a hurry if she was found a man she was attracted to.


:iagree::smthumbup: I agree with Mr. Samyeagar. Mrs. Giro Flee should be commended for her love to her husband. *bowing*


----------



## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Fenix09 said:


> That is the conversation that sets her off, because "Just because you want sex does not mean I want it or that I have to give it to you" and finishes with "Then leave and good luck getting to see your kids."
> 
> You are all right. Perhaps it is time to cut and see where the chips fall. My kids are my life though, as I am with them every moment from the time I get home from work to the time I put them in bed. Because my wife retreats to facebook,* candy crush, 16 and pregnant, Teen Mom, and My Daughters Pregnant and I am Too.*
> 
> Thank you all for at least listening it has really taken a weight off my shoulders just to talk about it.


If my wife watched that stuff there would be no discussion about me leaving I would just be gone.

You need to implement the 180 my friend. It is time to begin to prepare as if you are leaving.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

"She is from here" does not free one from the emotional baggage accumulated while growing up with parents and culture "not from here"...


----------



## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I have read many of your posts, and respect what you are trying to do with your marriage. You are one of the very few.
> 
> In this case, I don't think she is LD, I just think she doesn't want to have sex with her husband. I have a feeling her LD would go away in a hurry if she was found a man she was attracted to.


I must not have been clear, I don't think she is LD either. She doesn't sound like my situation. I was trying to show him that his wife is not like me. She seems to have no love or even empathy, I think she's abusive. If that were a man threatening his wife with the children nobody would expect her to stay with an abusive spouse. A really good lawyer is what I would look into.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Giro flee said:


> I must not have been clear, I don't think she is LD either. She doesn't sound like my situation. I was trying to show him that his wife is not like me. She seems to have no love or even empathy, I think she's abusive. If that were a man threatening his wife with the children nobody would expect her to stay with an abusive spouse. A really good lawyer is what I would look into.


My apologies for not being clearer myself. I KNOW you are not like her, and did not mean to seem like I was implying such. You are a very loving and compassionate wife who loves her husband. That shows with everything you have posted here, and I do have the utmost respect for you.


----------



## Fenix09 (Jul 16, 2013)

john117 said:


> "She is from here" does not free one from the emotional baggage accumulated while growing up with parents and culture "not from here"...


The country was bermuda. US England blend with better climate and and beaches.


----------



## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

I echo those who have advised seeing a lawyer. You can probably take steps before filing for divorce--if that's what you choose to do--to better your position. Make a record, now, of her conduct such as leaving unannounced with the kids. You want to prepare now, before pulling the trigger.


----------

