# Stay for the kids or leave before it gets worse?



## Problemsathome (Mar 22, 2012)

I am a 38 year old male. I have been married to my wife for 14 years. We have two children together ages being 12 and 2 who I love dearly. To the best of my knowledge there has never been infidelity between us. The problem in our marriage isn't financial or social, its emotional. My wife is filled with venom and hatred for everyone around her especially me and our children. She has hit and thrown heavy objects at me and my oldest so many times I had to threaten to call the authorities - where upon she stopped with him. Still my son and I have visible scars because of her. I am afraid that this will eventually occur with my youngest when he gets older if I'm not there to stop her... She treats myself and my oldest as though we are filth and scum. She hates her friends, some of her family, everyone she works with, our neighbors, our landlord, almost everyone in/and every place we have ever lived (I was in the Navy and Army for eight years of our marriage but have been out for over a year now.) Still she has some good days but they are rare. We love the good days... But it makes us think there will be more? She once said her impatience comes from her thyroid imbalance. We - again my son and I were really hoping it would all stop when she had her last surgery two years ago to remove the other side as she was living with one and on medication for about 3 years, but with the exception of a brief lull after her final surgery, it didn't. A year ago, she had me arrested and then fought to have the charges dismissed which they were but my career opportunities were for the most part destroyed because of this. Only lawyers and cops understand dismissed cases, almost everyone else doing background checks sees Domestic Assault and they think wife beater - no one knows it was because I poured a bottle of water on her head after she punched me in the face twice. - I did it you know like to cool her off. Though I'm twice her size and once an airborne soldier, I have never laid a hand on her nor any other woman ever and to be honest despite how bad it sounds, I think this why she thinks she can do whatever she pleases. Her anger is almost non-stop now for the past few months with an hour here or there of peace. She can't make it in the house longer than 10 seconds before she finds problems with us and begins to scream at one of us. I don't know what to do. Lately, I've found that if I don't stick up for my oldest, she doesn't get furious merely spiteful but its hard not to especially when I know she is wrong. I know if I leave her she will do everything in her power to make the lives of my oldest and myself as miserable as possible. Today I thought, if I can survive war for my family then I can deal with her bs to see my children and help raise them. But I also think if I stay and it gets worse she could twist something around like she always does in her fits of rage and have me thrown back in jail again over I don't know? Verbal abuse or anything she could cook up with her phone in her hand. ... I have done so much for her. I have put my life on the line repeatedly to keep her and the kids safe but none of that seems to make a bit of difference to her now that I'm partially disabled. Now I am scum to her - just like everyone. I'll lose everything if I leave her, everything that matters and everything that doesn't. Any ideas with the exception of taking her to church (which I plan to do though spirituality is a very personal matter to me)? Should I stay for my children or should I go? One last point, she was slotted for anger management on fort campbell but I learned from a fellow soldier who also attended the course that its really easy to lose your children when a parent participates. Apparently, any type of negative behavior at home can send CPS into action even if she isn't hitting him anymore...


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Problemsathome:

I'm sorry you're going through this. It has to be unimaginably hard on you and even harder on your sons! You ask if you should stay for the kids or leave before it gets worse. May I respectfully suggest that you do neither. You need to take your sons with you and leave or, better yet, move to have your wife removed legally from your home. Your wife has been physically abusing you and your older son for years. This is NOT what you agreed to when you married her and it is CERTAINLY not in your sons' best interest to be raised in this kind of environment. Your wife is killing your older son's spirit and he is going to need therapy whatever you ultimately decide to do. 

"My wife is filled with venom and hatred for everyone around her especially me and our children."

This is SO unbelievably destructive to your children! It is bad for you as well, but YOU can at least make a decision to stay or leave. Your sons do NOT have the option to make any decision. They are at the mercy of you and your wife.

"I'll lose everything if I leave her, everything that matters and everything that doesn't."

The only thing you have that matters is your children, yourself, and your self-respect. YOU are a role model for your sons and you need to show them what is/isn't acceptable behavior as a man, as a married man, as an adult in a civilized society. If your son called you and told you this was happening to him and his children, what would you tell him to do?

It is possible that your wife's health problems play a part in this situation, but so what! If she has done NOTHING to seek further help from her doctors with regard to her rages, then apparently it doesn't bother her or she doesn't see anything wrong with it, and that is on HER. You cannot remain passive in this situation hoping for change. YOU MUST PROTECT YOUR SONS N-O-W.

PLEASE see an attorney this week. Explain the situation to him/her. Show your attorney your scars. Take pictures of your older son's scars and show them as well. See if you can file for an Order of Protection (Restraining Order) to protect yourself and your sons from your wife and her rages. This situation is very dangerous physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for you and your sons.

You don't have to make a decision NOW about divorce. But you DO need to make an immediate physical break from your wife for you and your sons.

Please come back on this forum and let us know that you and your sons are safe. Once you are safely away from your wife, you can get some counselling (religious if you want, secular if you want), help yourself and your sons heal, and THEN (and only then) make some informed decisions. It is up to your wife to get help for herself. Until she does, I would be very wary.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I'll give you a very simple advice. Have a secret camera nearby when she acts violent and starts attacking you.

Stop being treated like this and divorce her, the recordings of her behavior will help you in custody arangements.

Take yourself and your older child to counseling. It's effecting your son more then you can imagine.


----------



## soopertrooper (Apr 6, 2012)

I opened this thread because the title seemed similar to what I've been thinking for the last 4 weeks (until a couple of days ago) - i.e. stay for the kids or leave/kick her out - (all down to my wife's behaviour.)

I, like you, turned to this forum for advice a few days ago - and got some great advice.

Anyway, firstly, I hope getting it off your chest on this forum has helped - I know it was a real release for me to post on here.

On reading through your post, I've realized that the hell I thought I was going through is nothing compared to what you've had to endure.

Although I know exactly the thoughts of "shall I stay for the kids" going through your head, I can't possibly imagine the pain involved in seeing your wife abuse your/her child like that.

I never really give advice, but I've had so much on here lately, that I would like to give something back.

She is ill, plain and simple. Looks to me like she won't admit that - so is never likely to ever stop.

Your children are your number one priority in this. You need to speak to a lawyer ASAP and find out what evidence (if any) you need to get her out of the house immediately - and get a restraining order until she gets medical help. 
Then, perhaps she can start to build a proper relationship with her children at least - supervised visits etc.

I'm sure you know already - this situation is extremely dangerous. 

She's thrown heavy objects at your child - imagine if it hits the "wrong" place, or is just a little too heavy, or is thrown a little too hard - the consequences of that would be so dire I don't even want to mention it - but needles to say the hell you're going through now would be nothing compared to the hell you would go through for the rest of your life if that happened.

Get her out - NOW.


----------

