# Sexual Inclination



## ineedhelp1409

I am a man of 40 years, i am above average sexually active. I am a Graphic Designer and Photographer, mostly home based job. My wife is well qualified and has regular job in a multinational company from Monday to Friday. My sexual life was very good before we had 2 kids. Now the kids are 3-5 years and they go to day care and a nanny also takes care of them.

My wife is a very good human being and beautiful. I am very fond of her, love her and respect her. I am one woman man.

But now i am unable to balance my sexual inclination and life around it. I feel like having sex at least once or twice a week, or three times maximum if circumstances allow.

I understand, my wife has long day and multi tasks a lot without much spare time. She goes to a Gym in the morning then to office and then returns in the evening and then we have dinner and make kids sleep. Then my wife is tired and sleepy by that time and refuses to have sex. So, I am mostly i am left to have sex on friday and saturday night. That too many times doesn't happen due to my wife being not agreeing, guests at home, we going out, her menstrual cycles, kids sleeping late or any other reason may arise.

I try to push her lot for sex almost all the time because i am unable to make out when she will agree or when circumstances will allow. Recently she has slimmed down a lot too, making her further attractive. But she never allows me undress her or lick her boobs while having sex. She even does not allow me to put my hand under her t-shirt, she only maximum allows me to ass massage for some time. When I push her a lot, sometimes i ask her to open the door once she is done with her shower, she allows me lick her boobs for 3 seconds each. She never smooches and closes her mouth tightly if i try to (no bad breath issues with me, i am a clean nice guy). 

Mostly when she agrees to have sex, she needs porn to get aroused most of the times. Then i finger her while she watches porn, once she gets bit aroused she hold my **** with her hand and moves it to-and-fro and then she gets an orgasms, then i do it in missionary position using a condom for my orgasm. I ejaculate fast because she has already done lot of to-and-fro by hand, so i get quick orgasm, which doesn't satisfy me or her too. Then she at times may ask me for another orgasm with fingers inside and tongue on her clit. She does does not make any noise or move much while doing this all, she also doesn't remove her top clothes while doing this. For me it feels slight better than self masturbating, still not very passionate. In my opinion we are doing it all wrong, but she refuses to change position or way or approaching it.

She never gives blow jobs, but thats not much of a desire all the time. But sometimes I really need it, it feels wonderful if it happens, its feels like a man is being wanted and loved.
She never tells her desires.

When I go out for work or markets and meet other same aged modern attractive women, it becomes very painful. My desire to have good sex with my wife further rises. I just admire other women visually, never try to get close or try to know them. When I have a attractive women at home and i feel good about it, i see no need in my life to flirt around. But yes ... the visuals definitely increase my craving for sex with my own wife. 

But now I am fed up of constantly asking and begging for sex with my wife for past 2-3 years. I dont feel like going out at night, or inviting guests at night, or go for movie nights or anything which which may ruin my chances of having sex with her.

Many times I plan to move away from thinking about sex. But its difficult because its impossible to sleep with beautiful curvy wife without physically touching, fiddling or hugging her.
Many times I plan to move away from thinking about sex by not sleeping with her and sleeping in another room, and not disturbing her. But then i fear that may start a rift in family life. I love my kids and wife. I have a comfortable life cant spoil that.

Many times i watch TV, Internet, spiritual stuff and try to fall asleep, but this doesn't help or actually feel good every day. So I get frustrated at times.
Many times I feel to go out to mountains and do photography and divert my mind, but that also is a difficult solution as she may feel offended by that, how can I holiday alone ... and she might become revengeful further driving it to a rift.

To divert my mind and energy, many times I feel to join a course or table tennis academy in the evening from 7 pm to 10 pm so that i get tired after playing, shower and dinner ... and then sleep. But that may again trigger a rift that I am not available when kids and she is at home for dinner.

Many times I masturbate late evening or at night in another room to kill off my inclination and erection, so that i dont disturb her while she is sleeping.

Many times I think, that i should find a **** buddy or extra marital affair, but that also ruins everything.. and is difficult because i am quite spiritual and one woman man.

Many times I try to talk horny and dirty with her (considering if she wants to fantasies of someone else than me) i talk about swapping, group sex, double penetrations, But that also didn't help either.

Another issue might be that she might not be finding me attractive anymore. Because to arouse her I need to show her bondage/bdsm/rough sex porn, she feels bored with slow blow job / passionate sex. She prefers cruel porn. Very rarely she has sex without that kind of cruel porn. Lot of times I tried to move away from porn and asked on focusing on each other, but with clothes on as she likes .. it doesn't work.

I silently passed 2-3 years by putting too much effort into all this for sex and had non passionate sex from her side. In the positions and way i described above. I couldnt discuss or revolt all this time, since i was partially financially dependent on her for a transaction. (She was paying for a transaction on 23 of every month and i use to return it by 9th of next month). If i revolted she always could have taken a revengeful attitude on that, resulting in problems in my business flow. But now financially things are better with me and I have gathered strength to discuss the issue, and does not have that much insecurity currently.

Its not that sex is completely zero, but the issue is its not happening correctly and passionately, bonding should further grow. Further with clothes on, fingering and masturbation type sex, no change in positions and places, it has become monotonous.... just not moving in correct direction to conquer success as couple in this world.

Sex gives lot of energy and harmony in family life, to cherish fruits of success, achievements and encouragement, sex is an essential bond between husband and wife.

I am sick of planning, pushing, begging, requesting for sex. At occasions I have waited for long hours and she refused, frustrating me to the core and I slapped her once I had fought on this with her. Its wrong on my part.

I am unsure who is wrong, what is wrong? and what is the solution to this problem? How I should i fix myself or her?

Please help!!

You can answer in two ways.
1. Either I read your answers and do a change within me.
2. We both can read your answers to dome over this issue.


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## jlg07

ineedhelp1409 said:


> .....
> I understand, my wife has long day and multi tasks a lot without much spare time. She goes to a Gym in the morning
> 
> Why don't you start going with her??? then to office and then returns in the evening and then we have dinner and make kids sleep. Then my wife is tired and sleepy by that time and refuses to have sex. So, I am mostly i am left to have sex on friday and saturday night. That too many times doesn't happen due to my wife being not agreeing, guests at home, we going out, her menstrual cycles, kids sleeping late or any other reason may arise. You both need more time together by yourselves. Do you have a date night where you just go out the both of you? NO other couples/people involved???
> 
> Many times I try to talk horny and dirty with her (considering if she wants to fantasies of someone else than me) i talk about swapping, group sex, double penetrations,OK STOP doing that -- she may think you are OK with this and WANT to do this. That could either a)turn her off a TON that you want to share her, or b) give HER excuses for having and affair. But that also didn't help either.
> Another issue might be that she might not be finding me attractive anymore.WHY do you think this is? Are you in shape? Are you healthy? Has she TOLD you she isn't attracted to you?
> maybe you need to start going to the gym and getting in great shape -- SHE is getting in better shape, why aren't you? Because to arouse her I need to show her bondage/bdsm/rough sex porn, she feels bored with slow blow job / passionate sex. She prefers cruel porn. Very rarely she has sex without that kind of cruel porn. Lot of times I tried to move away from porn and asked on focusing on each other, but with clothes on as she likes .. it doesn't work.If she likes this, have YOU ever tried to tie her up/restrain her, take of all her clothes (even if she "protests", etc? Once you get her going, maybe YOU need to take control?
> it MAY be something she would like (but be careful, may just be fantasy stuff for her).
> ...
> ... I couldnt discuss or revolt all this time, since i was partially financially dependent on her for a transaction. (She was paying for a transaction on 23 of every month and i use to return it by 9th of next month). If i revolted she always could have taken a revengeful attitude on that, resulting in problems in my business flow. But now financially things are better with me and I have gathered strength to discuss the issue, and does not have that much insecurity currently.WHY are you so afraid of your wife? Is she normally vindictive, or is it just that you are overthinking all the possibilities?
> Its not that sex is completely zero, but the issue is its not happening correctly and passionately, bonding should further grow. Further with clothes on, fingering and masturbation type sex, no change in positions and places, it has become monotonous.... just not moving in correct direction to conquer success as couple in this world.
> Sex gives lot of energy and harmony in family life, to cherish fruits of success, achievements and encouragement, sex is an essential bond between husband and wife. Have you TOLD her this and that it is something you need?
> ..
> ...


Have you talked, and I mean REALLY talked (and LISTENED) about this with her? If not THAT is the first place to start. Have you considered Marriage/Sex Counseling to help get this resolved?
If you keep everything bottled up inside and NOT told her, it is a)FRUSTRATING to you and b) not fair to her since she may not know how much this is bothering you.

When she turns you down, what are her excuses? Can you have a scheduled time to have sex so that you both KNOW when it will happen and you can make sure other things (kids/guests/etc.) are not around to interfere with it?


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## niceguy47460

Has she allways kissed you closed mouth . or did this just all of a sudden changed . does she keep her phone away from you . and is she on it alot texting . has she started going to the gym more . and has she allways been that way about you seeing her body .


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## niceguy47460

I see some red flags here in just what you have said so far .

1 kissing you closed mouth
2 not letting you see her nude , sounds like she is hiding something she doesn't want you to see . 
3 not wanting to have sex with you .

You might want to start secretly look at her phone to see if she is cheating . maybe even put gps on her car . she maybe hooking up with someone at the gym or at her work . and they are into bondage and bdsm and rough sex . if that is the case then they are leaving bruises and stuff on her body . if you work from home or something where you have the time you could follow her .


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## personofinterest

I would also do a deep dive of her computer. I have to wonder if she's involved in some sort of BDSM situation outside of your marriage.


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## niceguy47460

I do know with someone into bdsm that most of the time the female will get bruises and marked up . and with a dominant partner they are told they can't do thing with there husband . 

It is just odd that you have to watch that kind of porn just to be able to even touch her but still not even getting her clothes off . she is most definitely cheating on you and you need to find out . deep dive on the computer and her phone . and track her car .


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## niceguy47460

I don't know if you are reading anything people are saying but you should be . and you should be corresponding back .


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## ineedhelp1409

I don't know if you are reading anything people are saying but you should be . and you should be corresponding back .

I am reading .. responding also.


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## ineedhelp1409

Why don't you start going with her??? 
Answer. Whenever we get time, we go shopping, we go with kids too, we go out once in a while for movie also.

You both need more time together by yourselves. Do you have a date night where you just go out the both of you? NO other couples/people involved???
Answer. We do go out together ... but cant say a "date night", i am bit on a romantic side. but she might be, but she never expresses.

OK STOP doing that -- she may think you are OK with this and WANT to do this. That could either a)turn her off a TON that you want to share her, or b) give HER excuses for having and affair.
Answer. I tried this because, i am confused ... what arouses her. I want to stop it too.
But she isnt responding while i do love making. She doesnt talk, doesnt undress, doesnt make a tiny horny noise either... unable to understand .. whats wrong.. am i ejaculating quickly or she is finding **** smaller as per her wants.

.WHY do you think this is? Are you in shape? Are you healthy? Has she TOLD you she isn't attracted to you? 
maybe you need to start going to the gym and getting in great shape -- SHE is getting in better shape, why aren't you?
Answer. I am not too much in change, but average. I want start table tennis sport and cycling above all photography walks, but if am away when she and kids are at home ... it will create a rift. These things are done either early morning or in evening. And thats the time when I am besides kids ... when they are waking up one by one...(2kids - Schools starts at 7.30 am onwards)

If she likes this, have YOU ever tried to tie her up/restrain her, take of all her clothes (even if she "protests", etc? Once you get her going, maybe YOU need to take control? 
it MAY be something she would like (but be careful, may just be fantasy stuff for her).
Answers. I have never tried, woulld love to but ... she wont allow.. she will shout back for sure. as i know her.

WHY are you so afraid of your wife? Is she normally vindictive, or is it just that you are overthinking all the possibilities?
Answer. My first child was born when i was in a livein relationship, in hush hush secreative manner. I could not take much care or personal attention at that time, as we didnt wanted to people to know at that time, since were not married. Though I arranged secret house and caretaker and household stuff and I almost stayed all the time with her, then she went to her mothers house for delivery. My mother expired little before that year so i wanted to take aunt with for the first time to see my child, for some reason she didnt like that and we had a fight, then she fired so much on me that... and she took a kind of revenge that i did not take care of her. I was surprised and had fight with everyone at her place and came back. .... So this is for sure ... she keeps things in her heart to take revenge or blast at me later. At that time was I financially also puzzled. Till date she has the ability to fight on that incident ;-)

Have you TOLD her this and that it is something you need?
Answer. I have tried many times. But she thinks i am mad about sex. I just want to have healthy sexual relationship, i am very fond of her.. she has helped me a lot in my life. I am going crazy to get her on romantic mode back.

Have you talked, and I mean REALLY talked (and LISTENED) about this with her? If not THAT is the first place to start. Have you considered Marriage/Sex Counseling to help get this resolved?
If you keep everything bottled up inside and NOT told her, it is a)FRUSTRATING to you and b) not fair to her since she may not know how much this is bothering you.
Answer... Yes I have been thinking about it. I am ready to go for it, i have opened here also. She might not go because she has a perception that i am over deperate. Being a man, its natural to make love to a beautiful wife twice a week.

When she turns you down, what are her excuses? Can you have a scheduled time to have sex so that you both KNOW when it will happen and you can make sure other things (kids/guests/etc.) are not around to interfere with it?
Answer. Mostly she refuses for feeling sleepy or tired ... earlier she also had thyroid, but when i visited doctor with her. Doctor said this might be a reason too... but he should regular medicine will improve it. She is taking regular medicine ... she has become fitter .. but things on sexual front have become worst.
Answer. If i try to schedule sex, she terms me a PERVERT. And hardly she will agree to schedule it.


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## ineedhelp1409

Has she allways kissed you closed mouth . or did this just all of a sudden changed . does she keep her phone away from you . and is she on it alot texting . has she started going to the gym more . and has she allways been that way about you seeing her body .

Kissing changed around 4 years back. No Phone is open and i have full access. Yes, gym is regular, but relation-ship at gym is ruled out. She was curvy nice ... then came the kids .. now again she is in terrific shaped. I always loved her shape in all phases.

She does ... like the image below
luvze.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Tight-lipped-woman-2.jpg


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## ineedhelp1409

I dont think she is cheating on me, but might be visually seeing someone for fascinating ... so that might be turning off for her.
Or many her female friends have settled in other countries, she finding herself caged due constraints for our family to move out of the family. That might be making her unsatisfied in life.


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## ineedhelp1409

I see some red flags here in just what you have said so far .

1 kissing you closed mouth
2 not letting you see her nude , sounds like she is hiding something she doesn't want you to see . 
3 not wanting to have sex with you .

You might want to start secretly look at her phone to see if she is cheating . maybe even put gps on her car . she maybe hooking up with someone at the gym or at her work . and they are into bondage and bdsm and rough sex . if that is the case then they are leaving bruises and stuff on her body . if you work from home or something where you have the time you could follow her .

Answer. No thats ruled out for sure. She doesnt have that much of time.


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## niceguy47460

If i was you i would wait till she goes to sleep and get on her phone . if it is locked and didn't lock it before then you know she is cheating . if you have access to the phone account you can also get call logs and text logs . if she never wants you to go to the gym with her something is up with that .


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## ineedhelp1409

niceguy47460 said:


> If i was you i would wait till she goes to sleep and get on her phone . if it is locked and didn't lock it before then you know she is cheating . if you have access to the phone account you can also get call logs and text logs . if she never wants you to go to the gym with her something is up with that .


No these things are ruled out.


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## ineedhelp1409

jlg07 said:


> Have you talked, and I mean REALLY talked (and LISTENED) about this with her? If not THAT is the first place to start. Have you considered Marriage/Sex Counseling to help get this resolved?
> If you keep everything bottled up inside and NOT told her, it is a)FRUSTRATING to you and b) not fair to her since she may not know how much this is bothering you.
> 
> When she turns you down, what are her excuses? Can you have a scheduled time to have sex so that you both KNOW when it will happen and you can make sure other things (kids/guests/etc.) are not around to interfere with it?


Why don't you start going with her??? 
Answer. Whenever we get time, we go shopping, we go with kids too, we go out once in a while for movie also.

You both need more time together by yourselves. Do you have a date night where you just go out the both of you? NO other couples/people involved???
Answer. We do go out together ... but cant say a "date night", i am bit on a romantic side. but she might be, but she never expresses.

OK STOP doing that -- she may think you are OK with this and WANT to do this. That could either a)turn her off a TON that you want to share her, or b) give HER excuses for having and affair.
Answer. I tried this because, i am confused ... what arouses her. I want to stop it too.
But she isnt responding while i do love making. She doesnt talk, doesnt undress, doesnt make a tiny horny noise either... unable to understand .. whats wrong.. am i ejaculating quickly or she is finding **** smaller as per her wants.

.WHY do you think this is? Are you in shape? Are you healthy? Has she TOLD you she isn't attracted to you? 
maybe you need to start going to the gym and getting in great shape -- SHE is getting in better shape, why aren't you?
Answer. I am not too much in change, but average. I want start table tennis sport and cycling above all photography walks, but if am away when she and kids are at home ... it will create a rift. These things are done either early morning or in evening. And thats the time when I am besides kids ... when they are waking up one by one...(2kids - Schools starts at 7.30 am onwards)

If she likes this, have YOU ever tried to tie her up/restrain her, take of all her clothes (even if she "protests", etc? Once you get her going, maybe YOU need to take control? 
it MAY be something she would like (but be careful, may just be fantasy stuff for her).
Answers. I have never tried, woulld love to but ... she wont allow.. she will shout back for sure. as i know her.

WHY are you so afraid of your wife? Is she normally vindictive, or is it just that you are overthinking all the possibilities?
Answer. My first child was born when i was in a livein relationship, in hush hush secreative manner. I could not take much care or personal attention at that time, as we didnt wanted to people to know at that time, since were not married. Though I arranged secret house and caretaker and household stuff and I almost stayed all the time with her, then she went to her mothers house for delivery. My mother expired little before that year so i wanted to take aunt with for the first time to see my child, for some reason she didnt like that and we had a fight, then she fired so much on me that... and she took a kind of revenge that i did not take care of her. I was surprised and had fight with everyone at her place and came back. .... So this is for sure ... she keeps things in her heart to take revenge or blast at me later. At that time was I financially also puzzled. Till date she has the ability to fight on that incident ;-)

Have you TOLD her this and that it is something you need?
Answer. I have tried many times. But she thinks i am mad about sex. I just want to have healthy sexual relationship, i am very fond of her.. she has helped me a lot in my life. I am going crazy to get her on romantic mode back.

Have you talked, and I mean REALLY talked (and LISTENED) about this with her? If not THAT is the first place to start. Have you considered Marriage/Sex Counseling to help get this resolved?
If you keep everything bottled up inside and NOT told her, it is a)FRUSTRATING to you and b) not fair to her since she may not know how much this is bothering you.
Answer... Yes I have been thinking about it. I am ready to go for it, i have opened here also. She might not go because she has a perception that i am over deperate. Being a man, its natural to make love to a beautiful wife twice a week.

When she turns you down, what are her excuses? Can you have a scheduled time to have sex so that you both KNOW when it will happen and you can make sure other things (kids/guests/etc.) are not around to interfere with it?
Answer. Mostly she refuses for feeling sleepy or tired ... earlier she also had thyroid, but when i visited doctor with her. Doctor said this might be a reason too... but he should regular medicine will improve it. She is taking regular medicine ... she has become fitter .. but things on sexual front have become worst.
Answer. If i try to schedule sex, she terms me a PERVERT. And hardly she will agree to schedule it.


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## SunCMars

ineedhelp1409 said:


> No these things are ruled out.


Ruled out by whom, by you?

You need help, not in 1409, you need help in 2019.

Humor us and have her checked out by a private detective or a friend.

Have that extra set of eyes eyeball all her activities, especially at the gym.

Tell us not, that we are mistaken, prove it to us.

Uh, thank you..





[THM]- King Brian


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## SunCMars

This woman, your wife absolutely loves sex and intimacy.

Just not with you.

Swallow that whole. Don't bother to chew on that tidbit. 
We did it for you.

Now...you need to find out why?





[THM]- @Andy1001


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## ineedhelp1409

niceguy47460 said:


> Maybe you should stop asking for sex . and plan a night to just take her . go out and get bondage stuff and when she ask what you are doing tell her to do as you say . maybe that is what she wants . if that doesn't work consider divorce . and just leave her .


I have tried this too, sometimes she is willing to go for holiday sometimes not. Before marriage, she had vodka shots and 
had awesome sex with me, but now she is a big no to vodka too. Because of the small Kids we have, cant travel long distances. But getting her to have sex on a travel holiday is also a tremendous task too. Tremendous effort goes in to make it a Yes. I sometimes myself feel guilty what i am doing..... by putting on so much effort and pushing.


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## ineedhelp1409

SunCMars said:


> Ruled out by whom, by you?
> 
> You need help, not in 1409, you need help in 2019.
> 
> Humor us and have her checked out by a private detective or a friend.
> 
> Have that extra set of eyes eyeball all her activities, especially at the gym.
> 
> Tell us not, that we are mistaken, prove it to us.
> 
> Uh, thank you..
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> [THM]- King Brian


We went and switched to a new gym and some more activities she wanted like swimming. So something at gym is ruled out. The gyms are very very closeby to my place. Though I dont go with her.


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## SunCMars

She may not be cheating.

She may have cheated, before.
She may be having an emotional affair.
She may no longer be in an EA/PA

Something turned her head, for sure away from you.

She may be having an illicit relationship with a co-worker.

It is obvious she is getting off on porn. 
And that may be the extent of her pulling away from you.

She does not hate you, she just does not desire you.

Maybe:
She is putting in time, with regards to your marriage.
She is biding time.

For how long and why?
What is her end game?

Something is not right... here.
Something, some truth is being left.....out here.

Red Flags are flying.

I suspect most are flying indoors, at work, in her car, all conveniently away and out of your sight.

Check out her work mates.
Check out all forms of her communication.

Read the many other stories here on TAM concerning infidelity.

Many husbands have said their wives have no time to cheat.

There are many Ways and Means Committees to facilitate cheating.




[THM]- Nemesis


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## ineedhelp1409

SunCMars said:


> This woman, your wife absolutely loves sex and intimacy.
> 
> Just not with you.
> 
> Swallow that whole. Don't bother to chew on that tidbit.
> We did it for you.
> 
> Now...you need to find out why?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> [THM]- @Andy1001


Swallow that whole. Don't bother to chew on that tidbit. 
We did it for you.

Now...you need to find out why?

Didnt understand ur above part ...


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## SunCMars

Please note:

I have no proof of her cheating, and I have no gut feeling.
I am painting by the numbers.

Each block requires a color.

After all colors are drawn in, it completes the portrait. 

We have only gotten started.

Get out the colored pencils. 

I see some red colors painted in.
Show us next the yellow.

Then the green.

Hopefully, never the blue.
Certainly, not the black.





[THM]- ?


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## SunCMars

ineedhelp1409 said:


> Swallow that whole. Don't bother to chew on that tidbit.
> We did it for you.
> 
> Now...you need to find out why?
> 
> Didnt understand ur above part ...


She loves sex and intimacy as witnessed by her porn usage.
She repeatedly shuns, avoids sex with you. Those are your own words.

Do not fight this assumption. Take it all in as fact, not a possibility. 

Hence, do not chew on these words, these thoughts. Take them as being the truth.
Yes, painful truth.

Find out why she feels this way.


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## ineedhelp1409

SunCMars said:


> She loves sex and intimacy as witnessed by her porn usage.
> She repeatedly shuns, avoids sex with you. Those are your own words.
> 
> Do not fight this assumption. Take it all in as fact, not a possibility.
> 
> Hence, do not chew on these words, these thoughts. Take them as being the truth.
> Yes, painful truth.
> 
> Find out why she feels this way.


She demands bdsm porn only at the time of having sex.
I am 100% sure that she doesn't even have the time to download it separately.
I wish to understand this from a females perspective, maybe really she is too tired by the nights and weekends...
or i am doing something wrong from a females perspective.


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## SunCMars

Yes, where are the females?

Too tired, too busy.
Too busy satisfying their mates.

Tired of being helpful. 

I just had, got a gut feeling.

Most women avoid swimming. Except those that are, look good in a bathing suit.

I at one time spent a lot of time in the pool.

Most ladies were either waders, sharks or huggers.

The waders were usually pretty and plump, the sharks slim, fit and fast. They came to exercise and to leave me in their wake. Good!

The huggers come to get most of their anatomy below the water line, and out of sight.
Some hugged men, some hugged other women.
And some hugged the side of the pool, kicking and thrashing their legs.

Swimming is a great exercise. It is low impact and a good way to get your heart rate up aplenty. Good!

....................................................................................................................................

Mind you, huggers are not common. But they are present.

The water is a perfect venue to hide ones hands and one's intentions.
It is one step away from being nekid'.

Oh my!





[THM]- THRD


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## notmyjamie

ineedhelp1409 said:


> She demands bdsm porn only at the time of having sex.
> I am 100% sure that she doesn't even have the time to download it separately.
> I wish to understand this from a females perspective, maybe really she is too tired by the nights and weekends...
> or i am doing something wrong from a females perspective.


As a women I can tell you that she is acting very strange. If she's not cheating she has some serious hangups about sex. She thinks you're a pervert for wanting her sexually, but it's ok for her to watch BDSM porn while you have sex with her?? That makes no sense. The closed mouth kissing is something I would do with someone I really didn't want to be kissing. 

Your story about hiding your first child's birth is a bit odd as well. Where do you live or what is your culture that you had to hide a pregnancy in a secret house? If this was all done at her request, I'd say she regrets having premarital sex and so now she feels dirty about herself and sex in general. The BDSM porn could be about her feeling that she's being "forced" and so she doesn't have to feel guilty. The fact that she used to have to have a drink before having sex goes along with all of this too. She thinks it's bad to have sex.

I think you need some sex therapy as a couple to figure out what is going on. Ask her if she wants to be married to you. Tell her that normal couples have sex and there is nothing wrong or perverted about it. If she doesn't want to get some help you'll have to decide if you can live in a sexless marriage or not.


----------



## niceguy47460

What you are doing wrong is saying she isn't cheating or hasn't cheated . have you looked at her emails text looking for text apps . such as whattapp , hangout , kik , have you checked your facebook . have you looked at all text messages on her phone . it may not be someone from the gym it could be a co-worker . her changing like she did screaming cheating . you say she looks great so why does she not want you to see her nude . does she even say i love you . i bet she hasn't in 4 years when the kissing changed . everyone is telling you what is wrong but you are not taking it in . have you watched her go to the gym . if she is cheating she is not going to tell you .

Is she always on her phone . cheaters can always make time for the other guy to where you can not see . maybe she leaves work early and sees him then comes home at normal time so you don't know . sees him at lunch . are you always around her to know for sure what she is doing .


----------



## ineedhelp1409

notmyjamie said:


> As a women I can tell you that she is acting very strange. If she's not cheating she has some serious hangups about sex. She thinks you're a pervert for wanting her sexually, but it's ok for her to watch BDSM porn while you have sex with her?? That makes no sense. The closed mouth kissing is something I would do with someone I really didn't want to be kissing.
> 
> Your story about hiding your first child's birth is a bit odd as well. Where do you live or what is your culture that you had to hide a pregnancy in a secret house? If this was all done at her request, I'd say she regrets having premarital sex and so now she feels dirty about herself and sex in general. The BDSM porn could be about her feeling that she's being "forced" and so she doesn't have to feel guilty. The fact that she used to have to have a drink before having sex goes along with all of this too. She thinks it's bad to have sex.
> 
> I think you need some sex therapy as a couple to figure out what is going on. Ask her if she wants to be married to you. Tell her that normal couples have sex and there is nothing wrong or perverted about it. If she doesn't want to get some help you'll have to decide if you can live in a sexless marriage or not.


I am from South India, she has no regrets of premarital sex (we got married later)> Your story about hiding your first child's birth is a bit odd as well. Where do you live or what is your culture that you had to hide a pregnancy in a secret house? If this was all done at her request, I'd say she regrets having premarital sex and so now she feels dirty about herself and sex in general.


----------



## ineedhelp1409

niceguy47460 said:


> What you are doing wrong is saying she isn't cheating or hasn't cheated . have you looked at her emails text looking for text apps . such as whattapp , hangout , kik , have you checked your facebook . have you looked at all text messages on her phone . it may not be someone from the gym it could be a co-worker . her changing like she did screaming cheating . you say she looks great so why does she not want you to see her nude . does she even say i love you . i bet she hasn't in 4 years when the kissing changed . everyone is telling you what is wrong but you are not taking it in . have you watched her go to the gym . if she is cheating she is not going to tell you .
> 
> Is she always on her phone . cheaters can always make time for the other guy to where you can not see . maybe she leaves work early and sees him then comes home at normal time so you don't know . sees him at lunch . are you always around her to know for sure what she is doing .


You are 100% correct .... on this
"does she even say i love you . i bet she hasn't in 4 years when the kissing changed" .


----------



## notmyjamie

ineedhelp1409 said:


> I am from South India, she has no regrets of premarital sex (we got married later)> Your story about hiding your first child's birth is a bit odd as well. Where do you live or what is your culture that you had to hide a pregnancy in a secret house? If this was all done at her request, I'd say she regrets having premarital sex and so now she feels dirty about herself and sex in general.


I'm a women's health nurse and my first thought on reading your post was that she's cheating or from a culture in which women are taught that sex and their bodies are shameful. And my first guess was India. In my experience working with women this is true for many women from India. I've had patients who, despite being married for years, can't make themselves have sex. One patient had been married for 7 years and had had sex twice, both times to try and conceive a baby. She said it was the worst thing she'd ever been through but she wanted a baby so she did it. I felt very sad for her as she said she loved her husband and wanted to be normal but she just couldn't get past feeling that sex is shameful. 

You say she never says she loves you anymore. Have you asked her if she still does? It's possible she's dealing with this same thing and the more you ask for sex the more she resents you. I still think you need some marriage therapy with someone who specializes in sex therapy.


----------



## Spicy

You are getting great input from some of our best. You definitely should go see a sex therapist together, but I am guessing you guys wouldn’t both be willing to do that.

If you didn’t approach her for sex, would she ever seek you out for it?

Two things I would do.

1. Stop watching porn with her. It is obviously very bad for your marriage and negatively affecting your sex life. Remove it as an option. 

2. Never, ever hit a woman again.


----------



## ineedhelp1409

Spicy said:


> You are getting great input from some of our best. You definitely should go see a sex therapist together, but I am guessing you guys wouldn’t both be willing to do that.
> 
> If you didn’t approach her for sex, would she ever seek you out for it?
> 
> Two things I would do.
> 
> 1. Stop watching porn with her. It is obviously very bad for your marriage and negatively affecting your sex life. Remove it as an option.
> 
> 2. Never, ever hit a woman again.


She would never ever ask or asked her in past 6 years >> If you didn’t approach her for sex, would she ever seek you out for it?


----------



## ineedhelp1409

notmyjamie said:


> I'm a women's health nurse and my first thought on reading your post was that she's cheating or from a culture in which women are taught that sex and their bodies are shameful. And my first guess was India. In my experience working with women this is true for many women from India. I've had patients who, despite being married for years, can't make themselves have sex. One patient had been married for 7 years and had had sex twice, both times to try and conceive a baby. She said it was the worst thing she'd ever been through but she wanted a baby so she did it. I felt very sad for her as she said she loved her husband and wanted to be normal but she just couldn't get past feeling that sex is shameful.
> 
> You say she never says she loves you anymore. Have you asked her if she still does? It's possible she's dealing with this same thing and the more you ask for sex the more she resents you. I still think you need some marriage therapy with someone who specializes in sex therapy.


She isnt that conservative. She is a modern confident lady.


----------



## Spicy

Sadly such a large majority of the betrayed spouses when they first come here all say, “My wife would never do that, I’m sure of it” and “She doesn’t have time”...only to find out their wife is having sex in her car at work, or at the gym etc. Unless you are with your spouse 24/7, it’s pretty impossible to know for certain. Even then, I have heard of spouses that are up at night having and EA with someone on a hidden app while their spouse is asleep.

So, before the kids, was she passionate about sex with you?
What does your religion teach about sex?


----------



## niceguy47460

Man you better be checking her phone . she is cheating .


----------



## ineedhelp1409

Spicy said:


> Sadly such a large majority of the betrayed spouses when they first come here all say, “My wife would never do that, I’m sure of it” and “She doesn’t have time”...only to find out their wife is having sex in her car at work, or at the gym etc. Unless you are with your spouse 24/7, it’s pretty impossible to know for certain. Even then, I have heard of spouses that are up at night having and EA with someone on a hidden app while their spouse is asleep.
> 
> So, before the kids, was she passionate about sex with you?
> What does your religion teach about sex?


Before kids, she was awesome ... even after kids ... she was awesome for some time.
I always felt blessed that she was so awesome and willing.
And things changed for past couple of years, its a humongous task to make it a yes from her,
that too... I feel what stupidity i am doing, constantly fiddling with her, to cherish her amazing skin and body, perusing her for sex.
Its insane, i love her, i want to get intimate and make her feel wanted and cared all the time, but she feels i am a pervert
and constantly looking for means and ways to have sex with her.

If i practice self control and restraint and dont ask her again and again, remain aloof to avoid seeing her close-by so that my inclination to touch her is reduced. I am unable to practice such self control living under the same roof. It creates a rift if i try to remain aloof.

My religion has open to sex, its the land of kamasutra


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## ineedhelp1409

Few things I am confused about after all the discussions above are :

1. If she doesnt want to get nude with me, why she wants swim and wear a swim suit.
2. Gyming / Making your body fit is for 2 reasons - To be health wise fit and to be attractive. Does becoming attractive will not give your desire to have sex and being admired and loved?
3. She devotes more time, energy, finances on kids than me .. I take care of a different Set eg. paying fee for Day Cares / Nannys etc. Does she think I am not doing for the household ... and thats making her off ?

Its very puzzling ...


----------



## jlg07

"And things changed for past couple of years, its a humongous task to make it a yes from her,
that too.."
Try to think back about what may have happened around the time this started. Did she get a new job? Did they get new people AT her job? Did she start hanging around with different friends? 
It is strange that this WASN't the case, and yet now is for the past few years. SOMETHING triggered this and you say it wasn't the children as things were good for a few years.

" To be health wise fit and to be attractive. Does becoming attractive will not give your desire to have sex and being admired and loved?"
Yes, but not necessarily loved/admired by their spouse -- she may be seeking attention from others to boost her self-worth.


----------



## Spicy

ineedhelp1409 said:


> Few things I am confused about after all the discussions above are :
> 
> 1. If she doesnt want to get nude with me, why she wants swim and wear a swim suit.
> 2. Gyming / Making your body fit is for 2 reasons - To be health wise fit and to be attractive. Does becoming attractive will not give your desire to have sex and being admired and loved?
> 3. She devotes more time, energy, finances on kids than me .. I take care of a different Set eg. paying fee for Day Cares / Nannys etc. Does she think I am not doing for the household ... and thats making her off ?
> 
> Its very puzzling ...


Yes, it makes one wonder, who is she trying to look so sexy for? It could be herself, but with her changing that much in regard to sex, you have too many red flags to not be concerned.

1. Working out way more, getting into sexy shape.
2. Won’t let you see her naked.
3. Can’t have sex with you (and doesn’t want to) unless she is totally uninvolved, watching porn EVERY TIME instead of looking at and enjoying you.
4. Wont kiss you for real.
5. Doesn’t say she loves you.

These are a collection of red flags saying she doesn’t want to cheat on her boyfriend with you. I hope I am wrong.


----------



## EleGirl

ineedhelp1409 said:


> Few things I am confused about after all the discussions above are :
> 
> 1. If she doesnt want to get nude with me, why she wants swim and wear a swim suit.
> 2. Gyming / Making your body fit is for 2 reasons - To be health wise fit and to be attractive. Does becoming attractive will not give your desire to have sex and being admired and loved?
> 3. She devotes more time, energy, finances on kids than me .. I take care of a different Set eg. paying fee for Day Cares / Nannys etc. Does she think I am not doing for the household ... and thats making her off ?
> 
> Its very puzzling ...


One thing you need to keep in mind when you read the posts here is that the first thing most people on this site will tell you is that your wife is cheating... it's the go-to diagnosis around here. Love them all but it's often not what's going on.

To me it sounds like the two of you have allowed you relationship fade away. When this happens, women often lose their desire for sex. A couple needs to spend a minimum of 15 hours a week together, just the two of you, doing date-like things (quality time). If you don't do this, you get the kind of relationship you have.

Humans are chemical engines, meaning that everything in your body is run by chemicals. The chemicals/hormones dopamine, oxytocin and other feel-good bonding hormones are required to keep a couple bounded together. When you don't spend the 15 hours or more together in quality time, your brain steps down the amount of dopamine, oxytocin, etc. that is manufactured and uptake in your brain. You lose the attachment (what we call love and attraction). Women are more susceptible to this than men. Studies have shown that women whose oxytocin levels fall too low do not want to be touched, thus do not want sex.

The good news is that there is a way to rebuild your relationship, get the good hormones flowing and rebuild your relationship into one with strong passion.

There are two books that talk about how to do this. They are meant to be read in this order: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". First you read the Love busters book and you both stop doing the love busters that are killing your relationship. Then you both read the HN/HN book and do the work it lays out.

If you want a good relationship, you have to do the work that builds a good relationship. So far you two have not, you have been doing everything to grow apart.


----------



## ineedhelp1409

EleGirl said:


> One thing you need to keep in mind when you read the posts here is that the first thing most people on this site will tell you is that your wife is cheating... it's the go-to diagnosis around here. Love them all but it's often not what's going on.
> 
> To me it sounds like the two of you have allowed you relationship fade away. When this happens, women often lose their desire for sex. A couple needs to spend a minimum of 15 hours a week together, just the two of you, doing date-like things (quality time). If you don't do this, you get the kind of relationship you have.
> 
> Humans are chemical engines, meaning that everything in your body is run by chemicals. The chemicals/hormones dopamine, oxytocin and other feel-good bonding hormones are required to keep a couple bounded together. When you don't spend the 15 hours or more together in quality time, your brain steps down the amount of dopamine, oxytocin, etc. that is manufactured and uptake in your brain. You lose the attachment (what we call love and attraction). Women are more susceptible to this than men. Studies have shown that women whose oxytocin levels fall too low do not want to be touched, thus do not want sex.
> 
> The good news is that there is a way to rebuild your relationship, get the good hormones flowing and rebuild your relationship into one with strong passion.
> 
> There are two books that talk about how to do this. They are meant to be read in this order: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". First you read the Love busters book and you both stop doing the love busters that are killing your relationship. Then you both read the HN/HN book and do the work it lays out.
> 
> If you want a good relationship, you have to do the work that builds a good relationship. So far you two have not, you have been doing everything to grow apart.


"One thing you need to keep in mind when you read the posts here is that the first thing most people on this site will tell you is that your wife is cheating... it's the go-to diagnosis around here. Love them all but it's often not what's going on."

I agree ... but 15 Hours a week.
Can you please help me out ... how to distribute these 15 hours in a week.
What all things I can do. (Considering in evenings and weekends we have kids with us). Though we can leave the kids for few hours with nanny.

Your words are helpful.


----------



## niceguy47460

Who picked that gym anyway . her or you . when did this all change before she started going to the gym or after . did the kissing you with closed tight lips happen before her starting the gym or after . and then out of the blue she want to change gyms and waer a bathing suit but doesn't want you to see her nude . really think about this .


----------



## niceguy47460

ineedhelp1409 said:


> Few things I am confused about after all the discussions above are :
> 
> 1. If she doesnt want to get nude with me, why she wants swim and wear a swim suit.
> 2. Gyming / Making your body fit is for 2 reasons - To be health wise fit and to be attractive. Does becoming attractive will not give your desire to have sex and being admired and loved?
> 3. She devotes more time, energy, finances on kids than me .. I take care of a different Set eg. paying fee for Day Cares / Nannys etc. Does she think I am not doing for the household ... and thats making her off ?
> 
> Its very puzzling ...


She is wanting her boyfriend to see her in it and how sexy she looks so he will keep giving her what he already is . she is doing for him and not you . wake up man really it is really sad that you are not getting what everyone is saying to you . the way you are denial you probably wouldn't believe it if you walked in on her and the other man having sex in your bed . you would probably still be saying she isn't cheating on me . all the signs are there right in front of you .


----------



## ineedhelp1409

niceguy47460 said:


> Who picked that gym anyway . her or you . when did this all change before she started going to the gym or after . did the kissing you with closed tight lips happen before her starting the gym or after . and then out of the blue she want to change gyms and waer a bathing suit but doesn't want you to see her nude . really think about this .


I have currently ruled out affairs. But i appreciate your help.
Tight lips started 4 years back or more ...


----------



## ineedhelp1409

niceguy47460 said:


> She is wanting her boyfriend to see her in it and how sexy she looks so he will keep giving her what he already is . she is doing for him and not you . wake up man really it is really sad that you are not getting what everyone is saying to you . the way you are denial you probably wouldn't believe it if you walked in on her and the other man having sex in your bed . you would probably still be saying she isn't cheating on me . all the signs are there right in front of you .


I have currently ruled out affairs. But i appreciate your help.


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## Sparta

I have ruled out affairs... OK will be here when you find out.!


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## niceguy47460

Well then maybe you should just ask her if she still wants to be married .


----------



## ineedhelp1409

niceguy47460 said:


> Well then maybe you should just ask her if she still wants to be married .


The relationship apart from sex is all fine.
The rift only appears when I desire sex and she refuses or avoids.


----------



## EleGirl

ineedhelp1409 said:


> EleGirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> One thing you need to keep in mind when you read the posts here is that the first thing most people on this site will tell you is that your wife is cheating... it's the go-to diagnosis around here. Love them all but it's often not what's going on."
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I agree ... but 15 Hours a week.
> Can you please help me out ... how to distribute these 15 hours in a week.
> What all things I can do. (Considering in evenings and weekends we have kids with us). Though we can leave the kids for few hours with nanny.
> 
> Your words are helpful.
Click to expand...

How many children do you have and how old are they?

Yes, 15 hours a week can be a challenge when you have children, jobs, etc. But it can be done. The time frames can be 1-2 hours a night during the work week (Monday - Friday) and the rest of the time divided up on the weekends for one or two longer dates. 

For dates you can go out to an intimate dinner and/or dancing, depending on what is the norm where you live. Going out to a movie is not quality time because you are both focused on the movie and not each other. I like dates that are doing things like taking long walks along the river, holding hands, talking... just being together. A good date does not have to be expensive. You should plan for one date away from home and the children once a week if at all possible.

Another good way to build your relationship is to take short trips. Even an overnight trip and stay at a hotel can do wonders for a relationship.

On weeknights after your children are in bed or when you two can steal an hour or two to spend quality time together simply snuggling and talking. You could have drinks (alcoholic or not) and dessert/snacks. This can lead to sex too (time spent is sexual intimacy counts too).

Take a bath together and pamper each other.

At times, when your children are awake and the nanny is there to watch them, you can go off together at home and have an at-home date (we used to do that in our bedroom suite). Or you could go out for a walk together, hold hands, talk, etc.

Sometimes reading books or watching TV can be quality time if you are together and talk about what you are watching/reading. For example, my husband read aloud books on topics that we were both interested in. Then we would discuss them, usually chapter by chapter. I realize that not everyone would like this, but we are nerds and love it.

Another thing we did when we had at-home dates was to play a same I bought that was sort of a card game, well a sex card game. Players would get cards that told them what they had to do. That one would have us laughing our heads off every time we played.

Some couples develop a hobby that they can learn together. For example, take dancing lessons or learning to scuba diving lessons; or maybe painting, or jewelry making, or hiking, or...... just something that you can both learn together and do together. 

I knew a couple who took scuba diving classes. We live in the New Mexico high desert. The deepest water around here are swimming pools. That's where they took their lessons. They would take scuba diving vacations to the Caribbean a couple of times a year. Their underwater videos were amazing. I really think that this is the thing that kept them close.... a shared passion.

If you cannot think of things to talk about, then try a conversation starter book. There are also conversation starter websites too. I have a couple of conversation starter books, they worked really well to give us things that talk about that started us talking. Here are just a few that I found on one website.

What is something that you are dreading?
Tell me about a time you almost died.
What’s the biggest betrayal you have ever experienced?
What’s most embarrassing thing that has happened to you while having sex?
What are you battling that you don’t tell anyone about?
What are you into, but haven’t told me about?
What’s better than great sex?
What small seemingly insignificant thing did your parents or someone else say when you were a child that has stuck with you all this time?
What is the best or worst thing you inherited from your parents?
What was the hardest lesson you’ve had to learn?
What’s the most disheartening and heartening realization you have come to?
What is something you wish you could say to people but can’t?
What have you struggled with your entire life?
What would be the coolest hobby to have?
If you received a salary to follow whatever passion you wanted to, what would you do?
What was the most productive time in your life? How about the least productive?
What made you realize that your parents were just human like everyone else?
What questions should partners ask each other before getting married?
What toy played the biggest part in your childhood?
What were the three most important turning points in your life?
What’s the worst thing that people are proud of?
What job do you think you were born to do?
What are you most sentimental about?
What has taken up too much of your life?
What do I do that makes you the happiest?
https://conversationstartersworld.com/conversation-starters-for-couples/

All that said, you have to read the books and do the work that they tell you to do. If you can get your wife to read the books with you and do the work, that’s the best solution here.


----------



## ineedhelp1409

EleGirl said:


> How many children do you have and how old are they?
> 
> Yes, 15 hours a week can be a challenge when you have children, jobs, etc. But it can be done. The time frames can be 1-2 hours a night during the work week (Monday - Friday) and the rest of the time divided up on the weekends for one or two longer dates.
> 
> For dates you can go out to an intimate dinner and/or dancing, depending on what is the norm where you live. Going out to a movie is not quality time because you are both focused on the movie and not each other. I like dates that are doing things like taking long walks along the river, holding hands, talking... just being together. A good date does not have to be expensive. You should plan for one date away from home and the children once a week if at all possible.
> 
> Another good way to build your relationship is to take short trips. Even an overnight trip and stay at a hotel can do wonders for a relationship.
> 
> On weeknights after your children are in bed or when you two can steal an hour or two to spend quality time together simply snuggling and talking. You could have drinks (alcoholic or not) and dessert/snacks. This can lead to sex too (time spent is sexual intimacy counts too).
> 
> Take a bath together and pamper each other.
> 
> At times, when your children are awake and the nanny is there to watch them, you can go off together at home and have an at-home date (we used to do that in our bedroom suite). Or you could go out for a walk together, hold hands, talk, etc.
> 
> Sometimes reading books or watching TV can be quality time if you are together and talk about what you are watching/reading. For example, my husband read aloud books on topics that we were both interested in. Then we would discuss them, usually chapter by chapter. I realize that not everyone would like this, but we are nerds and love it.
> 
> Another thing we did when we had at-home dates was to play a same I bought that was sort of a card game, well a sex card game. Players would get cards that told them what they had to do. That one would have us laughing our heads off every time we played.
> 
> Some couples develop a hobby that they can learn together. For example, take dancing lessons or learning to scuba diving lessons; or maybe painting, or jewelry making, or hiking, or...... just something that you can both learn together and do together.
> 
> I knew a couple who took scuba diving classes. We live in the New Mexico high desert. The deepest water around here are swimming pools. That's where they took their lessons. They would take scuba diving vacations to the Caribbean a couple of times a year. Their underwater videos were amazing. I really think that this is the thing that kept them close.... a shared passion.
> 
> If you cannot think of things to talk about, then try a conversation starter book. There are also conversation starter websites too. I have a couple of conversation starter books, they worked really well to give us things that talk about that started us talking. Here are just a few that I found on one website.
> 
> What is something that you are dreading?
> Tell me about a time you almost died.
> What’s the biggest betrayal you have ever experienced?
> What’s most embarrassing thing that has happened to you while having sex?
> What are you battling that you don’t tell anyone about?
> What are you into, but haven’t told me about?
> What’s better than great sex?
> What small seemingly insignificant thing did your parents or someone else say when you were a child that has stuck with you all this time?
> What is the best or worst thing you inherited from your parents?
> What was the hardest lesson you’ve had to learn?
> What’s the most disheartening and heartening realization you have come to?
> What is something you wish you could say to people but can’t?
> What have you struggled with your entire life?
> What would be the coolest hobby to have?
> If you received a salary to follow whatever passion you wanted to, what would you do?
> What was the most productive time in your life? How about the least productive?
> What made you realize that your parents were just human like everyone else?
> What questions should partners ask each other before getting married?
> What toy played the biggest part in your childhood?
> What were the three most important turning points in your life?
> What’s the worst thing that people are proud of?
> What job do you think you were born to do?
> What are you most sentimental about?
> What has taken up too much of your life?
> What do I do that makes you the happiest?
> https://conversationstartersworld.com/conversation-starters-for-couples/
> 
> All that said, you have to read the books and do the work that they tell you to do. If you can get your wife to read the books with you and do the work, that’s the best solution here.


Thanks for your help. Its very useful.


----------



## ineedhelp1409

personofinterest said:


> I would also do a deep dive of her computer. I have to wonder if she's involved in some sort of BDSM situation outside of your marriage.


No she isnt involved, she doesnt have that kind of time.


----------



## ineedhelp1409

SunCMars said:


> Yes, where are the females?
> 
> Too tired, too busy.
> Too busy satisfying their mates.
> 
> Tired of being helpful.
> 
> I just had, got a gut feeling.
> 
> Most women avoid swimming. Except those that are, look good in a bathing suit.
> 
> I at one time spent a lot of time in the pool.
> 
> Most ladies were either waders, sharks or huggers.
> 
> The waders were usually pretty and plump, the sharks slim, fit and fast. They came to exercise and to leave me in their wake. Good!
> 
> The huggers come to get most of their anatomy below the water line, and out of sight.
> Some hugged men, some hugged other women.
> And some hugged the side of the pool, kicking and thrashing their legs.
> 
> Swimming is a great exercise. It is low impact and a good way to get your heart rate up aplenty. Good!
> 
> ....................................................................................................................................
> 
> Mind you, huggers are not common. But they are present.
> 
> The water is a perfect venue to hide ones hands and one's intentions.
> It is one step away from being nekid'.
> 
> Oh my!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> [THM]- THRD


"Most women avoid swimming. Except those that are, look good in a bathing suit."

You have put a valid point I never thought of .... If she wants to swim, why she cant undress in front of me.
Making love with clothes on and without ... its a huge difference in intimacy of a couple.
With clothes ... its like a quick sport / exercise.
Without clothes .. its a passion, bonding, cherishing ... growing in love.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

Sparta said:


> I have ruled out affairs... OK will be here when you find out.!


I've lost count of all the new posters *just like you OP*, who were _insistent _that everyone here was wrong and he knew 100% that there was NO WAY his wife was cheating.

Until he came back weeks or months later posting, "you were all right...she was cheating!" 

Happens all the time.

As Sparta said, we'll be here in the highly likely event you'll be back.


----------



## ineedhelp1409

EleGirl said:


> How many children do you have and how old are they?
> 
> Yes, 15 hours a week can be a challenge when you have children, jobs, etc. But it can be done. The time frames can be 1-2 hours a night during the work week (Monday - Friday) and the rest of the time divided up on the weekends for one or two longer dates.
> 
> For dates you can go out to an intimate dinner and/or dancing, depending on what is the norm where you live. Going out to a movie is not quality time because you are both focused on the movie and not each other. I like dates that are doing things like taking long walks along the river, holding hands, talking... just being together. A good date does not have to be expensive. You should plan for one date away from home and the children once a week if at all possible.
> 
> Another good way to build your relationship is to take short trips. Even an overnight trip and stay at a hotel can do wonders for a relationship.
> 
> On weeknights after your children are in bed or when you two can steal an hour or two to spend quality time together simply snuggling and talking. You could have drinks (alcoholic or not) and dessert/snacks. This can lead to sex too (time spent is sexual intimacy counts too).
> 
> Take a bath together and pamper each other.
> 
> At times, when your children are awake and the nanny is there to watch them, you can go off together at home and have an at-home date (we used to do that in our bedroom suite). Or you could go out for a walk together, hold hands, talk, etc.
> 
> Sometimes reading books or watching TV can be quality time if you are together and talk about what you are watching/reading. For example, my husband read aloud books on topics that we were both interested in. Then we would discuss them, usually chapter by chapter. I realize that not everyone would like this, but we are nerds and love it.
> 
> Another thing we did when we had at-home dates was to play a same I bought that was sort of a card game, well a sex card game. Players would get cards that told them what they had to do. That one would have us laughing our heads off every time we played.
> 
> Some couples develop a hobby that they can learn together. For example, take dancing lessons or learning to scuba diving lessons; or maybe painting, or jewelry making, or hiking, or...... just something that you can both learn together and do together.
> 
> I knew a couple who took scuba diving classes. We live in the New Mexico high desert. The deepest water around here are swimming pools. That's where they took their lessons. They would take scuba diving vacations to the Caribbean a couple of times a year. Their underwater videos were amazing. I really think that this is the thing that kept them close.... a shared passion.
> 
> If you cannot think of things to talk about, then try a conversation starter book. There are also conversation starter websites too. I have a couple of conversation starter books, they worked really well to give us things that talk about that started us talking. Here are just a few that I found on one website.
> 
> What is something that you are dreading?
> Tell me about a time you almost died.
> What’s the biggest betrayal you have ever experienced?
> What’s most embarrassing thing that has happened to you while having sex?
> What are you battling that you don’t tell anyone about?
> What are you into, but haven’t told me about?
> What’s better than great sex?
> What small seemingly insignificant thing did your parents or someone else say when you were a child that has stuck with you all this time?
> What is the best or worst thing you inherited from your parents?
> What was the hardest lesson you’ve had to learn?
> What’s the most disheartening and heartening realization you have come to?
> What is something you wish you could say to people but can’t?
> What have you struggled with your entire life?
> What would be the coolest hobby to have?
> If you received a salary to follow whatever passion you wanted to, what would you do?
> What was the most productive time in your life? How about the least productive?
> What made you realize that your parents were just human like everyone else?
> What questions should partners ask each other before getting married?
> What toy played the biggest part in your childhood?
> What were the three most important turning points in your life?
> What’s the worst thing that people are proud of?
> What job do you think you were born to do?
> What are you most sentimental about?
> What has taken up too much of your life?
> What do I do that makes you the happiest?
> https://conversationstartersworld.com/conversation-starters-for-couples/
> 
> All that said, you have to read the books and do the work that they tell you to do. If you can get your wife to read the books with you and do the work, that’s the best solution here.


Since your reply was very positive and more focused on saving relationship, and not on suspecting cheating.
But can you tell me why does a women stop smooching .... i have never heard a women who doesnt like smooching.


----------



## NobodySpecial

ineedhelp1409 said:


> Since your reply was very positive and more focused on saving relationship, and not on suspecting cheating.
> But can you tell me why does a women stop smooching .... i have never heard a women who doesnt like smooching.


IMO it is most often not the thing -- the smooching, the sex, the cuddling. The couple loses the romantic, loving, sexy feeling. Worse, if there is bottled resentment over practical issues, the reclaiming of the romantic, loving, sexy feeling is impossible.


----------



## SunCMars

ineedhelp1409 said:


> Since your reply was very positive and more focused on saving relationship, and not on suspecting cheating.
> But can you tell me why does a women stop smooching ....* i have never heard a women who doesnt like smooching*.


No, there are women and men who are not fans of kissing, either a quick smooch or extensive lip mangling.
Especially, after the first six months.

Having good breath and an appealing set of teeth probably figures into this !!

Have you ever kissed a smoker, especially a cigar smoker? I am talking about women kissing cigar smokers, thank you!
Heavy drinkers can be troublesome, also.

I would consider refusal to 'hug tight' a bigger concern and a bigger red flag.


----------



## jlg07

ineedhelp1409 said:


> The relationship apart from sex is all fine.
> The rift only appears when I desire sex and she refuses or avoids.


Unfortunately, if you sex life isn't fine, usually a good sign that OTHER things in your relationship are NOT fine, even if YOU think they are. SHE may not...


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Amongst all the info, which is all great stuff btw, don't e afraid to cut it down to basic questions and answers to/from her, and to take simple action.

A direct approach may work.

First, the way you are getting sexual activity from her and by her, as in what she considers taking care or your sexual desire, is unacceptable. 

Period. 

A finger, some wiggling back and forth, a minute of piv, and wants you to hurry up ? Horrible. 

Enough asking. Never try and earn sex.

Tell her more, and good sex, at least half the time the way you want is required. 

If she wants you to be aggressive in taking sex, are you good with that?

Tie her up. Engage in some bdsm. Have at it.

But dear Lord quit whining to her. That never works.

She wants to watch BDSM porn?

Film her, indulge her watching you and her. Take her to a bdsm eqpt store. Tell her, don't ask her to go with you.

Enough is enough. 

Or, she'll leave you first. If not fully checked out already.


----------



## ineedhelp1409

Is my sexual drive normal ? or I am getting too demanding, what its like for a normal average man of my age?


----------



## StillSearching

ragnar ragnasson said:


> amongst all the info, which is all great stuff btw, don't e afraid to cut it down to basic questions and answers to/from her, and to take simple action.
> 
> A direct approach may work.
> 
> First, the way you are getting sexual activity from her and by her, as in what she considers taking care or your sexual desire, is unacceptable.
> 
> Period.
> 
> A finger, some wiggling back and forth, a minute of piv, and wants you to hurry up ? Horrible.
> 
> *enough asking. Never try and earn sex.*
> 
> tell her more, and good sex, at least half the time the way you want is required.
> 
> If she wants you to be aggressive in taking sex, are you good with that?
> 
> Tie her up. Engage in some bdsm. Have at it.
> 
> *but dear lord quit whining to her. That never works.*
> 
> she wants to watch bdsm porn?
> 
> Film her, indulge her watching you and her. Take her to a bdsm eqpt store. Tell her, don't ask her to go with you.
> 
> Enough is enough.
> 
> Or, she'll leave you first. If not fully checked out already.


this this this!


----------



## StillSearching

ineedhelp1409 said:


> Is my sexual drive normal ? or I am getting too demanding, what its like for a normal average man of my age?


I'm 54 I need sex nearly every day.
What's not normal is a wife that is not interested in forfilling your needs before her own. 
Like I assume your are willing to forfill hers before your own?


----------



## SadSamIAm

I think your sex drive is normal. I consider myself similar except I am 15 years older than you. The older I get, the less important sex is, but I share your feelings.

My wife sounds very similar to yours. I have been married for over 30 years. I feel your pain.

For my wife, I believe she has certain hangups about sex due to her upbringing. Her father was an alcoholic. Shamed her about her body. About sexuality. When she was sixteen her father would tell her she looked like a **** if her jeans were too tight. Accused her of being a ****. I don't think she was abused sexually, but it really wouldn't surprise me if she was. 

My wife is very concerned with how she looks. She spends a lot of time on her hair and makeup. Spends a lot of time worrying about the clothes she is wearing. She works out every day. Not to attract me or other people, but because she is ashamed of her looks and wants to look better. She had an eating disorder for a bit in college. She is very pretty and gets compliments about her looks all the time from me and others. Her friends all kid her about how young and good she looks compared to them. None of that is enough for her.

She rarely initiates sex. We have sex a couple of times a month. It takes her a while to get going. Typically she just pushes me away, but when she doesn't, it will take a while to get her in the mood. Lots of affection, talking, caressing (neck and back rubs), etc before anything sexual. At a certain point, it is like her body gives way to her emotions. The conflict between her mind telling her sex is bad and her body telling her it feels good, flips a switch. When that switch gets flipped, she can be very sexual. Gets her turned on when I talk dirty. Lightly spanking her when she is on top of me. It is like she can't have a normal sex life. It is either off or kinky.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

ineedhelp1409 said:


> Is my sexual drive normal ? or I am getting too demanding, what its like for a normal average man of my age?


Dear God man!

For many, you're not getting enough sex.

You're not "too demanding". For most, having a good sex life isn't near as hard as what you're describing.

For many, being able to have good communication with their SO isn't nearly as hard and unproductive as you're describing. 

No, you definitely aren't being too demanding. 

You aren't being demanding enough. Reread this several times. 

Being demanding might be what you're W might be trying to get you to be, and you're not listening. 

Unless something changes she's going to find another person to be "that man".

Believe that. 

If nothing changes things will worsen for you, or at best stay the same until she finds another.

You can do it. Listen to what folks are saying here.

Be the man. Or if it's not you, you may have to find another mate.

Good luck!


----------



## Lila

A couple of questions first... 



> I am a man of 40 years


How old is your wife?



> I am a Graphic Designer and Photographer, mostly home based job. My wife is well qualified and has regular job in a multinational company from Monday to Friday.


Who makes more money? 



> Now the kids are 3-5 years and they go to day care and a nanny also takes care of them.





> I understand, my wife has long day and multi tasks a lot without much spare time.


When not being watched by the nanny or at daycare, who does most of the child rearing? You, your wife, or do you split time equally? 

Who does most of the housekeeping? You, your wife, or do you split chores evenly?



> I feel like having sex at least once or twice a week, or three times maximum if circumstances allow.


How often does your wife state she would like having sex?



> She does does not make any noise or move much while doing this all


Was she vocal before or this a new thing for her?



> She never gives blow jobs


Did she give them before or this a new thing?



> She never tells her desires.


Has she always been like this or is this a new thing?



> Because to arouse her I need to show her bondage/bdsm/rough sex porn, she feels bored with slow blow job / passionate sex.


I hate to break it to you but this may be her new normal. Are you willing to engage in the kind of sexual practices she finds appealing?


> Its not that sex is completely zero, but the issue is its not happening correctly and passionately, bonding should further grow. Further with clothes on, fingering and masturbation type sex, no change in positions and places, it has become monotonous.... just not moving in correct direction to conquer success as couple in this world.


If she's into rougher sex and/or BDSM, do you think she might be saying the same thing about you? That sex is not happening correctly and passionately enough for her?

-----------------

I did read a few things you posted that made me cringe after reading. 



> *I try to push her lot for sex almost all the time* because i am unable to make out when she will agree or when circumstances will allow.





> then I push her a lot, sometimes i ask her to open the door once she is done with her shower, she allows me lick her boobs for 3 seconds each.


Please listen to me.....*STOP doing these things!*. I am a sexual woman and just the idea of having an SO grabbing at my boobs willy nilly (when I am not in a sexual mood) or pushing me to allow him to lick my tits makes me want to throw up. 

If the only time you engage her in affection is to push for sex, then you are absolutely reinforcing the idea that all you want from her is sex. Imagine for a second that the only times your wife kisses you is right before she asks you for spending money, money that she will whine about if she doesn't get it. Eventually you will most likely grow to resent her and avoid her kisses because you know what's coming afterwards. Same thing is happening when you push for sex all of the time. 



> I dont feel like going out at night, or inviting guests at night, or go for movie nights or anything which which may ruin my chances of having sex with her.


This is called a Covert Contract. You are only going out on date nights and inviting guests to the house in exchange for sex. Whether you realize it or not, just like when you push for sex all of the time, this reinforces to your wife that you only care to do things with her in order to get sex. You don't want to spend time with her because she's an enjoyable person. You want to spend time with her because you want to get in her pants. In her mind, she could be any other woman and it wouldn't matter to you. 



> *Many times* I try to talk horny and dirty with her (considering if she wants to fantasies of someone else than me) i talk about swapping, group sex, double penetrations, But that also didn't help either.


Unless she enjoys this sort of talk, you probably should have stopped after the first time. 



> At occasions I have waited for long hours and she refused, frustrating me to the core and *I slapped her once I had fought on this with her*. Its wrong on my part.


Slapping your wife in anger because YOU are frustrated. You appear weak when you can't control your temper especially when it pertains to sex. It's childish. It's a turnoff to most women because who the hell wants to **** a child who throws tantrum and gets physically violent after not getting what he wants?


----------



## ineedhelp1409

Lila said:


> A couple of questions first...
> 
> 
> 
> How old is your wife?
> 
> Answer. 39
> 
> 
> Who makes more money?
> Answer. Almost similar money.
> 
> 
> When not being watched by the nanny or at daycare, who does most of the child rearing? You, your wife, or do you split time equally?
> 
> 
> Answer. Equal time mostly, but she takes quite much more care of the kids than me. She is very intricate about needs of the kids. A very good mother.
> 
> Who does most of the housekeeping? You, your wife, or do you split chores evenly?
> 
> Answer. We have lot of people working for us, nobody has to do anything, we just see servants have done it or not.
> 
> 
> How often does your wife state she would like having sex?
> Answer. Never
> 
> 
> Was she vocal before or this a new thing for her?
> Answer. 5 Years back she was bit vocal, moaned a bit, sometimes asked me to go deeper ... but now its pin drop silence.
> 
> 
> 
> Did she give them before or this a new thing?
> Answer. In span of 6-7 years, around 5 blow jobs... last was 3 years back.
> 
> 
> 
> Has she always been like this or is this a new thing?
> Answer. 5-6 years ago she use to ask me lot of things to do, sex toys, bit of roughness lite bdsm .. kind.
> 
> 
> I hate to break it to you but this may be her new normal. Are you willing to engage in the kind of sexual practices she finds appealing?
> Answer. I would do anything she wants. I love her to the core ...i am not at all bored with her to anything she wants.
> 
> If she's into rougher sex and/or BDSM, do you think she might be saying the same thing about you? That sex is not happening correctly and passionately enough for her?
> 
> Answer. I have been saying .... to change positions and do new things ... she is stuck on 1 position. And gone silent, the max she does for me is lie down, see porn and i finger to give an orgasm with clothes on, then she allows me to remove her pants and do a missionary. And then wears back ... In 6-7 years she has never slept nude while me hugging her, i would love it ... its so natural...a kind of feeling u are closest to nature without anything on and just feeling each other.
> -----------------
> 
> I did read a few things you posted that made me cringe after reading.
> 
> Please listen to me.....*STOP doing these things!*. I am a sexual woman and just the idea of having an SO grabbing at my boobs willy nilly (when I am not in a sexual mood) or pushing me to allow him to lick my tits makes me want to throw up.
> 
> Answer. She never allows to lick her boobs since she never undresses. Once I knocked while she was taking shower and she opened the door, i asked and pushed a bit to hug her nude, then i slowly licked her boobs for 2-5 seconds. Since then I knock many times, sometimes she opens some times she doesn't ....I know what hopeless way to do this .... but i am only doing for the sake of the opportunity, i dont think she will ever allow to do this in bed. For arousal, Even she doesnt allow to lick her *****, for that i have follow a different procedure....I first give a orgasm using fingers, then i do missionary as i told ... then if she has the mood, she will ask me to lick her clit and ask me another orgasm using fingers while licking clit. She gets angry I try to lick her ***** just like that ..... Lol ..... All this such a big humongous tremendous project for me ..... that I have to lot of waiting, hardwork, thinking, planning, timing ... that how will it be whenever she says yes.... and if kid wakes up in between ... whole thing collapses. I feel frustrated and but its humorous also ... that what a beggar i have become.
> 
> If the only time you engage her in affection is to push for sex, then you are absolutely reinforcing the idea that all you want from her is sex. Imagine for a second that the only times your wife kisses you is right before she asks you for spending money, money that she will whine about if she doesn't get it. Eventually you will most likely grow to resent her and avoid her kisses because you know what's coming afterwards. Same thing is happening when you push for sex all of the time.
> 
> Answer. I kiss her and hug a lot, i just love her touching with love and pranks. She doesnt like that too. She has a very strong perception that I am a pervert. I know I need sex ... but not all the time thinking abt it. For eg. we have to out somewhere .. and If do sex before going out with her, i feel more energetic and i am able to focus more on her shopping needs etc. because I feel very satisfied after having sex, i am able to think more and do more stuff, talk more with her... otherwise ... there is a element of incompleteness in me and kind of sadness too. For me sex is like good food. (I many be wrong in this too)thats why i am introspecting and opening up here. I asked her to introspect too, but her perception stops that i am pervert.
> 
> 
> 
> This is called a Covert Contract. You are only going out on date nights and inviting guests to the house in exchange for sex. Whether you realize it or not, just like when you push for sex all of the time, this reinforces to your wife that you only care to do things with her in order to get sex. You don't want to spend time with her because she's an enjoyable person. You want to spend time with her because you want to get in her pants. In her mind, she could be any other woman and it wouldn't matter to you.
> 
> Answer. You are correct, she has this perception that I only want sex from her. But no ... i am a creative person, i love exploring the places, doing new things, i have diverse interests, i have been a professional dj too. As I need Good Food (Sex) to do all this....you can lock me for days with her in a room and i can talk with her, relating to everything about in the world.
> 
> 
> 
> Unless she enjoys this sort of talk, you probably should have stopped after the first time.
> 
> Answer. Once we went to a party, she was looking gorgeous. One of our relative was staring at her and admiring her attractiveness, he is much elder than us ... but not old ... he invited her to dance and it was a family marriage. My wife was blushing and was enjoying it too, i was watching. He was also happy and not flirting ... but admiring her attractiveness. So when we came back ... we had sex and I talked dirty fantasy about threesomes and doing kinky things together, she had comparatively good sex sex that day. So I thought , i could talk dirty like this too ... maybe that will arouse her more. But as days passed by .. i re-tried same thing ... it didnt work. But she loves watching Public Disgrace Series / BDSM Gangbang where there is lot of pain and torture. This again confuses me ... what should I talk or not talk. I do watch with her but that doesn't arouse me ... for me touch of my wife and response arouses me. All this is very puzzling.
> 
> 
> 
> Slapping your wife in anger because YOU are frustrated. You appear weak when you can't control your temper especially when it pertains to sex. It's childish. It's a turnoff to most women because who the hell wants to **** a child who throws tantrum and gets physically violent after not getting what he wants?


Answer. Its wrong to hit such a nice woman or any woman. She is truly an angel has helped me a lot in life, but after 2-3 years of frustration my anger burst.


========================
Thanks for devoting time to listen to my problem. You have asked very valid questions of introspection.


----------



## Lila

I have a good friend who is of Indian descent. She tells me that culturally, Indian women expect their spouse to be the bread winners and that they compare their spouses to each other. Do you think this is an issue for your wife? Is she comparing you with her friends' husbands and finding you lacking. 



ineedhelp1409 said:


> Was she vocal before or this a new thing for her?
> Answer. 5 Years back she was bit vocal, moaned a bit, sometimes asked me to go deeper ... but now its pin drop silence.
> 
> Did she give them before or this a new thing?
> Answer. In span of 6-7 years, around 5 blow jobs... last was 3 years back.
> 
> Has she always been like this or is this a new thing?
> Answer. 5-6 years ago she use to ask me lot of things to do, sex toys, bit of roughness lite bdsm .. kind.


Doing the math and based on the information you provided that says you two were married after your first was born, it sounds like you two have been married <5 years and it sounds like you were dating about 2 years before that? How long exactly did you date before you had your first child? 

I'm just throwing this out there but you two may not have dated long enough before you got pregnant and then married. Those New Relationship Hormones were probably fueling her sex drive at the beginning of the relationship (as is the case normally) and have since waned. Your situation may be unfixable. 



ineedhelp1409 said:


> I hate to break it to you but this may be her new normal. Are you willing to engage in the kind of sexual practices she finds appealing?
> Answer. I would do anything she wants. I love her to the core ...i am not at all bored with her to anything she wants.
> 
> If she's into rougher sex and/or BDSM, do you think she might be saying the same thing about you? That sex is not happening correctly and passionately enough for her?
> 
> Answer. I have been saying .... to change positions and do new things ... she is stuck on 1 position. And gone silent, the max she does for me is lie down, see porn and i finger to give an orgasm with clothes on, then she allows me to remove her pants and do a missionary. And then wears back ... *In 6-7 years she has never slept nude while me hugging her, i would love it ... its so natural...a kind of feeling u are closest to nature without anything on and just feeling each other.*


She has never wanted to sleep in the nude. You knew this before you married her so why are you pushing her to do that now? 




ineedhelp1409 said:


> I did read a few things you posted that made me cringe after reading.
> 
> Please listen to me.....STOP doing these things!. I am a sexual woman and just the idea of having an SO grabbing at my boobs willy nilly (when I am not in a sexual mood) or pushing me to allow him to lick my tits makes me want to throw up.
> 
> Answer. She never allows to lick her boobs since she never undresses. Once I knocked while she was taking shower and she opened the door, i asked and pushed a bit to hug her nude, then i slowly licked her boobs for 2-5 seconds. Since then I knock many times, sometimes she opens some times she doesn't ....I know what hopeless way to do this .... but i am only doing for the sake of the opportunity, i dont think she will ever allow to do this in bed. For arousal, Even she doesnt allow to lick her *****, for that i have follow a different procedure....I first give a orgasm using fingers, then i do missionary as i told ... then if she has the mood, she will ask me to lick her clit and ask me another orgasm using fingers while licking clit. She gets angry I try to lick her ***** just like that ..... Lol ..... All this such a big humongous tremendous project for me ..... that I have to lot of waiting, hardwork, thinking, planning, timing ... that how will it be whenever she says yes.... and if kid wakes up in between ... whole thing collapses. I feel frustrated and but its humorous also ... that what a beggar i have become.


There are a whole lot of "I", "I", "I"s in this response. It's you pushing to lick her boobs, you pushing to lick her clit, you feeling like you have to make a big project out of it to get what you want. Man, I am going to tell you straight up, not trying to be mean but I would be completely turned off by you. 

You are absolutely entitled to have sexual desires and wants. However you ARE NOT entitled to perform those sexual acts on your reluctant wife. She has autonomy just like you. 

If this is something you feel you cannot live without, then it's time to divorce. 



ineedhelp1409 said:


> If the only time you engage her in affection is to push for sex, then you are absolutely reinforcing the idea that all you want from her is sex. Imagine for a second that the only times your wife kisses you is right before she asks you for spending money, money that she will whine about if she doesn't get it. Eventually you will most likely grow to resent her and avoid her kisses because you know what's coming afterwards. Same thing is happening when you push for sex all of the time.
> 
> Answer. I kiss her and hug a lot, i just love her touching with love and pranks. She doesnt like that too. She has a very strong perception that I am a pervert. I know I need sex ... but not all the time thinking abt it. For eg. we have to out somewhere .. and If do sex before going out with her, i feel more energetic and i am able to focus more on her shopping needs etc. because I feel very satisfied after having sex, i am able to think more and do more stuff, talk more with her... otherwise ... there is a element of incompleteness in me and kind of sadness too. *For me sex is like good food. (I many be wrong in this too)thats why i am introspecting* and opening up here. I asked her to introspect too, but her perception stops that i am pervert.
> 
> 
> This is called a Covert Contract. You are only going out on date nights and inviting guests to the house in exchange for sex. Whether you realize it or not, just like when you push for sex all of the time, this reinforces to your wife that you only care to do things with her in order to get sex. You don't want to spend time with her because she's an enjoyable person. You want to spend time with her because you want to get in her pants. In her mind, she could be any other woman and it wouldn't matter to you.
> 
> Answer. You are correct, she has this perception that I only want sex from her. But no ... i am a creative person, i love exploring the places, doing new things, i have diverse interests, i have been a professional dj too. As I need Good Food (Sex) to do all this....you can lock me for days with her in a room and i can talk with her, relating to everything about in the world.


Again, a whole lot of "I"s and "me's" in this response. What would happen if she was no longer a part of your life? How would you feed your sexual needs in order to avoid feeling "incomplete"?




ineedhelp1409 said:


> Unless she enjoys this sort of talk, you probably should have stopped after the first time.
> 
> Answer. Once we went to a party, she was looking gorgeous. One of our relative was staring at her and admiring her attractiveness, he is much elder than us ... but not old ... he invited her to dance and it was a family marriage. My wife was blushing and was enjoying it too, i was watching. He was also happy and not flirting ... but admiring her attractiveness. So when we came back ... we had sex and I talked dirty fantasy about threesomes and doing kinky things together, she had comparatively good sex sex that day. So I thought , i could talk dirty like this too ... maybe that will arouse her more. But as days passed by .. i re-tried same thing ... it didnt work. But she loves watching Public Disgrace Series / BDSM Gangbang where there is lot of pain and torture. This again confuses me ... what should I talk or not talk. *I do watch with her but that doesn't arouse me *... for me touch of my wife and response arouses me. All this is very puzzling.


Have you told your wife how much you do not like watching her type of porn? If so, what was her response?





ineedhelp1409 said:


> Slapping your wife in anger because YOU are frustrated. You appear weak when you can't control your temper especially when it pertains to sex. It's childish. It's a turnoff to most women because who the hell wants to **** a child who throws tantrum and gets physically violent after not getting what he wants?
> 
> Answer. Its wrong to hit such a nice woman or any woman. She is truly an angel has helped me a lot in life, but after 2-3 years of frustration my anger burst.


See this is why I think a lot of your problems are you own doing. You feel justified in your actions even when you are being told to stop them or they were wrong. 

When you say "its wrong to hit such a nice woman or any woman. she is truly an angel that has helped me a lot if like" that should be the end of the sentence. But no, you justified your actions (slapping her) by saying you were angry after 2-3 years of feeling frustration. That makes it seem like you really aren't sorry you slapped her. You feel slapping her was justified. Not cool.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Lila said:


> When you say "its wrong to hit such a nice woman or any woman. she is truly an angel that has helped me a lot if like" that should be the end of the sentence. But no, you justified your actions (slapping her) by saying you were angry after 2-3 years of feeling frustration. That makes it seem like you really aren't sorry you slapped her. You feel slapping her was justified. Not cool.



Core truth right here.


----------



## EleGirl

ineedhelp1409 said:


> Since your reply was very positive and more focused on saving relationship, and not on suspecting cheating.
> But can you tell me why does a women stop smooching .... i have never heard a women who doesnt like smooching.


I cannot say why your wife has stopped smooching.

But I did tell you why some women stop smooching. It's a very intimate type of touch. When the bond between a couple is broken because the woman's oxytocin levels are too low, she does not want to be touched... that includes smooching. The way to fix this is to spend more time with her in the ways that I suggested so that her oxytocin levels go up. Once they are up, she will want to be touched and want to smooch. 

Have you ordered the books yet?


----------



## NobodySpecial

ineedhelp1409 said:


> Answer. *Its wrong* to hit such a nice woman or any woman. She is truly an angel has helped me a lot in life, but after 2-3 years of frustration my anger burst.
> 
> 
> ========================
> Thanks for devoting time to listen to my problem. You have asked very valid questions of introspection.


It is not just wrong, no matter how you feel, it is assault. It is battery. It is illegal. It is not "wrong but". It is DEAD WRONG. Do you want to tell me you want to be loving with someone who HIT you among the many other demanding and unloving things you have been doing?


----------



## ineedhelp1409

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Core truth right here.


I apologize for hitting her to everyone here, i will go to her and apologize too. (on a serious note).


You mean to say below should be followed.
In the discussion above, looks like i found solutions. I have to fight within myself, excercise self control on my sexual desires. Act happy in front of her so that she doesnt come to know whats going on within me. Should have sex when she asks and as she likes. Try to minimize physical touches / hugs / kisses every now and then, which irritate her. Try to become more of a friend than husband. Maintain distance so that she has her own space. I should cheat secretly if there is chance. So that marriage is saved for the sake of kids. I need to forget "I" exists, should focus on "she". I should earn more so that she wins on comparing with her friends husbands icomes etc.

You are correct ! >> Your situation may be unfixable. 

Only solution left is to Pray to God for peace.

But i am not going to justify hitting her, but will give u an recent example of India.

India is a peace loving nation. Neighboring nation has been doing terrorism on since years. We have been avoiding voilence and war at larger scale for years. There was a large attack on our army recently. Complete India burst into anger and frustration of years came on to roads in terms of agitation for corrective action. India did Surgical strikes on army.

I will give u another example.
A child tries to insert his fingers in electric socket.
You cover the socket with tape.
He removes the tape, and again inserts the finger in socket.
You put a cupboard in front of the socket so that its un rechable.
Then the kid removes the cupboard somehow and again tries to insert his fingers.
You are left with only 2 solutions...
Slap him and make him understand its painful and wrong to do like that.
A stubborn kid, will still poke fingers .....

You will have solution ... then just pray to god that good sense prevails on him.

I am against voilence, its the worst thing for humanity. But sometimes 
it needs to excersised for larger picture of achieving peace.

I again repeat,
I apologize for hitting her to everyone here, i will go to her and apologize too. (on a serious note).


----------



## ineedhelp1409

NobodySpecial said:


> It is not just wrong, no matter how you feel, it is assault. It is battery. It is illegal. It is not "wrong but". It is DEAD WRONG. Do you want to tell me you want to be loving with someone who HIT you among the many other demanding and unloving things you have been doing?


I apologize for hitting her to everyone here, i will go to her and apologize too. (on a serious note).


You mean to say below should be followed.
In the discussion above, looks like i found solutions. I have to fight within myself, excercise self control on my sexual desires. Act happy in front of her so that she doesnt come to know whats going on within me. Should have sex when she asks and as she likes. Try to minimize physical touches / hugs / kisses every now and then, which irritate her. Try to become more of a friend than husband. Maintain distance so that she has her own space. I should cheat secretly if there is chance. So that marriage is saved for the sake of kids. I need to forget "I" exists, should focus on "she". I should earn more so that she wins on comparing with her friends husbands icomes etc.

You are correct ! >> Your situation may be unfixable. 

Only solution left is to Pray to God for peace.

But i am not going to justify hitting her, but will give u an recent example of India.

India is a peace loving nation. Neighboring nation has been doing terrorism on since years. We have been avoiding voilence and war at larger scale for years. There was a large attack on our army recently. Complete India burst into anger and frustration of years came on to roads in terms of agitation for corrective action. India did Surgical strikes on army.

I will give u another example.
A child tries to insert his fingers in electric socket.
You cover the socket with tape.
He removes the tape, and again inserts the finger in socket.
You put a cupboard in front of the socket so that its un rechable.
Then the kid removes the cupboard somehow and again tries to insert his fingers.
You are left with only 2 solutions...
Slap him and make him understand its painful and wrong to do like that.
A stubborn kid, will still poke fingers .....

You will have solution ... then just pray to god that good sense prevails on him.

I am against voilence, its the worst thing for humanity. But sometimes 
it needs to excersised for larger picture of achieving peace.

I again repeat,
I apologize for hitting her to everyone here, i will go to her and apologize too. (on a serious note).


----------



## ineedhelp1409

Lila said:


> I have a good friend who is of Indian descent. She tells me that culturally, Indian women expect their spouse to be the bread winners and that they compare their spouses to each other. Do you think this is an issue for your wife? Is she comparing you with her friends' husbands and finding you lacking.
> 
> 
> 
> Doing the math and based on the information you provided that says you two were married after your first was born, it sounds like you two have been married <5 years and it sounds like you were dating about 2 years before that? How long exactly did you date before you had your first child?
> 
> I'm just throwing this out there but you two may not have dated long enough before you got pregnant and then married. Those New Relationship Hormones were probably fueling her sex drive at the beginning of the relationship (as is the case normally) and have since waned. Your situation may be unfixable.
> 
> 
> 
> She has never wanted to sleep in the nude. You knew this before you married her so why are you pushing her to do that now?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> There are a whole lot of "I", "I", "I"s in this response. It's you pushing to lick her boobs, you pushing to lick her clit, you feeling like you have to make a big project out of it to get what you want. Man, I am going to tell you straight up, not trying to be mean but I would be completely turned off by you.
> 
> You are absolutely entitled to have sexual desires and wants. However you ARE NOT entitled to perform those sexual acts on your reluctant wife. She has autonomy just like you.
> 
> If this is something you feel you cannot live without, then it's time to divorce.
> 
> 
> 
> Again, a whole lot of "I"s and "me's" in this response. What would happen if she was no longer a part of your life? How would you feed your sexual needs in order to avoid feeling "incomplete"?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Have you told your wife how much you do not like watching her type of porn? If so, what was her response?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> See this is why I think a lot of your problems are you own doing. You feel justified in your actions even when you are being told to stop them or they were wrong.
> 
> When you say "its wrong to hit such a nice woman or any woman. she is truly an angel that has helped me a lot if like" that should be the end of the sentence. But no, you justified your actions (slapping her) by saying you were angry after 2-3 years of feeling frustration. That makes it seem like you really aren't sorry you slapped her. You feel slapping her was justified. Not cool.


I apologize for hitting her to everyone here, i will go to her and apologize too. (on a serious note).


You mean to say below should be followed.
In the discussion above, looks like i found solutions. I have to fight within myself, excercise self control on my sexual desires. Act happy in front of her so that she doesnt come to know whats going on within me. Should have sex when she asks and as she likes. Try to minimize physical touches / hugs / kisses every now and then, which irritate her. Try to become more of a friend than husband. Maintain distance so that she has her own space. I should cheat secretly if there is chance. So that marriage is saved for the sake of kids. I need to forget "I" exists, should focus on "she". I should earn more so that she wins on comparing with her friends husbands icomes etc.

You are correct ! >> Your situation may be unfixable. 

Only solution left is to Pray to God for peace.

But i am not going to justify hitting her, but will give u an recent example of India.

India is a peace loving nation. Neighboring nation has been doing terrorism on since years. We have been avoiding voilence and war at larger scale for years. There was a large attack on our army recently. Complete India burst into anger and frustration of years came on to roads in terms of agitation for corrective action. India did Surgical strikes on army.

I will give u another example.
A child tries to insert his fingers in electric socket.
You cover the socket with tape.
He removes the tape, and again inserts the finger in socket.
You put a cupboard in front of the socket so that its un rechable.
Then the kid removes the cupboard somehow and again tries to insert his fingers.
You are left with only 2 solutions...
Slap him and make him understand its painful and wrong to do like that.
A stubborn kid, will still poke fingers .....

You will have solution ... then just pray to god that good sense prevails on him.

I am against voilence, its the worst thing for humanity. But sometimes 
it needs to excersised for larger picture of achieving peace.

I again repeat,
I apologize for hitting her to everyone here, i will go to her and apologize too. (on a serious note).


----------



## NobodySpecial

ineedhelp1409 said:


> I am against voilence, its the worst thing for humanity. But sometimes
> it needs to excersised for larger picture of achieving peace.


You don't owe us an apology. Regardless, your second sentence renders your first sentence useless, incorrect and deceptive. And any apology would be hollow.


----------



## ineedhelp1409

EleGirl said:


> I cannot say why your wife has stopped smooching.
> 
> But I did tell you why some women stop smooching. It's a very intimate type of touch. When the bond between a couple is broken because the woman's oxytocin levels are too low, she does not want to be touched... that includes smooching. The way to fix this is to spend more time with her in the ways that I suggested so that her oxytocin levels go up. Once they are up, she will want to be touched and want to smooch.
> 
> Have you ordered the books yet?


Yes, i will sure read the books you mentioned.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

ineedhelp1409 said:


> I apologize for hitting her to everyone here, i will go to her and apologize too. (on a serious note).
> 
> 
> You mean to say below should be followed.
> In the discussion above, looks like i found solutions. I have to fight within myself, excercise self control on my sexual desires. Act happy in front of her so that she doesnt come to know whats going on within me. Should have sex when she asks and as she likes. Try to minimize physical touches / hugs / kisses every now and then, which irritate her. Try to become more of a friend than husband. Maintain distance so that she has her own space. I should cheat secretly if there is chance. So that marriage is saved for the sake of kids. I need to forget "I" exists, should focus on "she". I should earn more so that she wins on comparing with her friends husbands icomes etc.
> 
> You are correct ! >> Your situation may be unfixable.
> 
> Only solution left is to Pray to God for peace.
> 
> But i am not going to justify hitting her, but will give u an recent example of India.
> 
> India is a peace loving nation. Neighboring nation has been doing terrorism on since years. We have been avoiding voilence and war at larger scale for years. There was a large attack on our army recently. Complete India burst into anger and frustration of years came on to roads in terms of agitation for corrective action. India did Surgical strikes on army.
> 
> I will give u another example.
> A child tries to insert his fingers in electric socket.
> You cover the socket with tape.
> He removes the tape, and again inserts the finger in socket.
> You put a cupboard in front of the socket so that its un rechable.
> Then the kid removes the cupboard somehow and again tries to insert his fingers.
> You are left with only 2 solutions...
> Slap him and make him understand its painful and wrong to do like that.
> A stubborn kid, will still poke fingers .....
> 
> You will have solution ... then just pray to god that good sense prevails on him.
> 
> I am against voilence, its the worst thing for humanity. But sometimes
> it needs to excersised for larger picture of achieving peace.
> 
> I again repeat,
> I apologize for hitting her to everyone here, i will go to her and apologize too. (on a serious note).


On one hand you apologize, but on the other, you keep trying to provide justification. 

There is NO justification for hitting your wife. NONE. So just drop it. Every time you offer rationalization, you only cement the notion that you are not truly remorseful and that you are still trying to transfer blame for YOUR actions. Just.... stop....

(and oh, by the way, international relations are a piss poor example of how to conduct intimate interpersonal relationships)


----------



## NobodySpecial

ineedhelp1409 said:


> Yes, i will sure read the books you mentioned.


MArriage counseling would likely be a Very good thing.


----------



## Lila

ineedhelp1409 said:


> I apologize for hitting her to everyone here, i will go to her and apologize too. (on a serious note).
> 
> 
> You mean to say below should be followed.
> In the discussion above, looks like i found solutions. I have to fight within myself, excercise self control on my sexual desires. Act happy in front of her so that she doesnt come to know whats going on within me. Should have sex when she asks and as she likes. Try to minimize physical touches / hugs / kisses every now and then, which irritate her. Try to become more of a friend than husband. Maintain distance so that she has her own space. I should cheat secretly if there is chance. So that marriage is saved for the sake of kids. I need to forget "I" exists, should focus on "she". I should earn more so that she wins on comparing with her friends husbands icomes etc.


I didn't say anything of the sort but it's interesting that you read it like that. 


What I did do is ask lots of questions in order to try to figure out WHY your wife finds you sexually repulsive. Your response above is either your frustrations coming out or your selfishness and ego making itself known. The jury is still out. 



> You are correct ! >> Your situation may be unfixable.
> 
> Only solution left is to Pray to God for peace.


No. What I said was that you could divorce and find someone who is more sexually compatible. 



> But i am not going to justify hitting her, but will give u an recent example of India.
> 
> India is a peace loving nation. Neighboring nation has been doing terrorism on since years. We have been avoiding voilence and war at larger scale for years. There was a large attack on our army recently. Complete India burst into anger and frustration of years came on to roads in terms of agitation for corrective action. India did Surgical strikes on army.
> 
> I will give u another example.
> A child tries to insert his fingers in electric socket.
> You cover the socket with tape.
> He removes the tape, and again inserts the finger in socket.
> You put a cupboard in front of the socket so that its un rechable.
> Then the kid removes the cupboard somehow and again tries to insert his fingers.
> You are left with only 2 solutions...
> Slap him and make him understand its painful and wrong to do like that.
> A stubborn kid, will still poke fingers .....
> 
> You will have solution ... then just pray to god that good sense prevails on him.
> 
> *I am against voilence, its the worst thing for humanity. But sometimes
> it needs to excersised for larger picture of achieving peace.*


Maybe your wife needs to start kicking you in the balls every time you do something she doesn't like. Like you said sometimes violence is exercised for the larger picture of achieving peace (rolling eyes here)



> I again repeat,
> I apologize for hitting her to everyone here, i will go to her and apologize too. (on a serious note).


I was giving you the benefit of the doubt but nope, I know exactly why your wife won't have intimate sex with you. You dug your own grave.


----------



## Mr. Nail

Lila said:


> -snip - I know exactly why your wife won't have intimate sex with you. -snip- .


I'm equally sure of the reason and it isn't because she had a premonition that he was going to hit her in 2 years.


----------



## MEM2020

Kissing - is a big thing. And this tight lip behavior was a strong signal from your wife - to you. 

Why have you not asked her about this issue which is now four years in the making?

It is a bad sign (statistically) when a married person (man or woman) invests a lot of effort into making themselves more attractive, but clearly lacks desire for their partner. Sometimes this is simply a pre departure training regime so they can hit the ground running in their post divorce dating activities. 

I have no idea whether your wife is or is not faithful to you. I will say that I find it odd that you are so certain that she is faithful given that in the modern world - people have lunch breaks and can use those however they wish. 
1. You appear to be afraid to ask her basic questions such as - why don’t you kiss me like you used to?
2. Why have you lost your desire for me?
3. Do you want me to be more rough when we have sex?
4. Are you turned off or resentful of the fact that you make more money than I do? 

If you wish to fix your sex life you need to overcome your fear of having a painful conversation with your wife, which means overcoming your fear of her. 

In my experience, the avoidance of these type questions has a single root cause - fear. And generally speaking, a fearsome partner, is not attracted to their fearful spouse. 

One last thing. In most cases - trying to jam yourself into your partners calendar for X number of hours a week in the vain hope of getting laid more often - is extremely counterproductive. If your wife felt ignored or deprioritized, you would almost certainly know that by now. 





ineedhelp1409 said:


> I have currently ruled out affairs. But i appreciate your help.
> Tight lips started 4 years back or more ...


----------



## john117

ineedhelp1409 said:


> Since your reply was very positive and more focused on saving relationship, and not on suspecting cheating.
> 
> But can you tell me why does a women stop smooching .... i have never heard a women who doesnt like smooching.


Look up touch aversion... and a few other psych or neuro issues. 

Here's the thing. You're fighting culture and likely FOO, or family of origin. And someone who's in mommy mode or worker mode but not in PARTNER mode. 

Take it from someone who understands Desi culture... She needs positive role models of intimacy and she ain't getting them. So to her it's a chore. After a while at least. 

I'd look for an Indian or Asian PhD or PsyD level therapist and propose counseling. Or else. Else is up for grabs btw. I would not hold much hope but regardless... 

Keep in mind that like a lot of women from these places they value earning potential. And hard work. And status. And, FML, even if you have all those you're still screwed because she'd think you don't work hard enough.. 

Bottom line from my 35 years of marriage (D - 15 days to single status) to someone from a similar culture and mindset, I would not hold my breath. 



Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


----------



## ineedhelp1409

MEM2020 said:


> Kissing - is a big thing. And this tight lip behavior was a strong signal from your wife - to you.
> 
> Why have you not asked her about this issue which is now four years in the making?
> 
> Answer. Asked her many times, she doesnt answer, moves her face away with tightly closing the lips.
> 
> It is a bad sign (statistically) when a married person (man or woman) invests a lot of effort into making themselves more attractive, but clearly lacks desire for their partner. Sometimes this is simply a pre departure training regime so they can hit the ground running in their post divorce dating activities.
> 
> Answer. Its Puzzling, thats why I came here to seek answers, as she wont go to a therapist with me. The forum has also pointed many things which i also need to introspect. But still unclear ... abt major issues.
> 
> I have no idea whether your wife is or is not faithful to you. I will say that I find it odd that you are so certain that she is faithful given that in the modern world - people have lunch breaks and can use those however they wish.
> 
> 1. You appear to be afraid to ask her basic questions such as - why don’t you kiss me like you used to?
> Answer. No answer mostly, once she answered she finds wet. *now mouths cants be dry in french kiss / or intense smooch.
> 
> 2. Why have you lost your desire for me?
> Answer. Asked many times, no concrete answer... usually.. that I am a pervert.
> 
> 3. Do you want me to be more rough when we have sex?
> Answer. For Rough Sex .. She must first atleast to have sex... its tremendous task to make it possible. With clothes on too much of roughness is not possible. Poses needs to be changed. Fore play, spanking .... the way she does sex by fingering ... technically its not possible.
> 
> 4. Are you turned off or resentful of the fact that you make more money than I do?
> Answer. I am turned off for earning more or less. This might affect her but not me. As I believe for a businessman ... financial ground is ever-changing and ups and downs are reality to admit. Out of experience, In india 2 types of women are difficult to handle - a. financially independent b. women who are does not have any brains of there own and are governed by there mothers and sisters on how to behave in marital home.
> 
> If you wish to fix your sex life you need to overcome your fear of having a painful conversation with your wife, which means overcoming your fear of her. In my experience, the avoidance of these type questions has a single root cause - fear. And generally speaking, a fearsome partner, is not attracted to their fearful spouse.
> 
> Answer. You are correct, In India, Dominating men who can keep things straight with there terror at home have very obedient wives. Or Financially Dominant men also have very obedient wives. Exceptions are there. If you given equality at home in India, in majority of cases power tussle begins, where both spouses are earning. Its difficult to find balanced houses. Thats why the divorce rates are going very high in India now days. But there are good women too, who are not affected with this all this, its family values and type of education plays a big role. (All above is general discussion, not specific to my case). If I talk about my case, Fear is not issue. I would suggest, she thinks more herself more intelligent, multi tasker, much self aware. and might be considering me as foolish person than fearful. Many times she wants to dominate many things but i have created a balance for this.
> 
> One last thing. In most cases - trying to jam yourself into your partners calendar for X number of hours a week in the vain hope of getting laid more often - is extremely counterproductive. If your wife felt ignored or deprioritized, you would almost certainly know that by now.
> 
> 
> Answer. Getting laid down with me is last on her priority list. I cant survive mentally if i am not getting laid down once or twice a week. She survives, I have never counted days .. but even after 10-20 days i have never seen her that eagerness in her to get laid down. As I told in previous posts laid down or sex .. is not the rite words... for past many years.. she wants to be fingered first and have orgasm with clothes on (Masturbating type). She isnt concerned about quality sex.


----------



## ineedhelp1409

john117 said:


> Look up touch aversion... and a few other psych or neuro issues.
> 
> Here's the thing. You're fighting culture and likely FOO, or family of origin. And someone who's in mommy mode or worker mode but not in PARTNER mode.
> 
> Answer. 100% Correct ... She is not in Partner Mode. Very nicely to have defined.
> 
> Take it from someone who understands Desi culture... She needs positive role models of intimacy and she ain't getting them. So to her it's a chore. After a while at least.
> 
> I'd look for an Indian or Asian PhD or PsyD level therapist and propose counseling. Or else. Else is up for grabs btw. I would not hold much hope but regardless...
> 
> Keep in mind that like a lot of women from these places they value earning potential. And hard work. And status. And, FML, even if you have all those you're still screwed because she'd think you don't work hard enough..
> 
> Answer. 100% Correct ... I am more of a foolish guy for her. Very nicely to have defined.
> 
> Bottom line from my 35 years of marriage (D - 15 days to single status) to someone from a similar culture and mindset, I would not hold my breath.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


----------



## ineedhelp1409

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm equally sure of the reason and it isn't because she had a premonition that he was going to hit her in 2 years.


Its baffling and confusing for all these years.


----------



## ineedhelp1409

With great difficulty and Tact, Today I was able to gather few inputs from my wife, which i am already aware of and need improvement from my side. List of Horrible things I do.

1. Violent (The Recent Incident, in a span of 7-8 years when i got frustrated out of waiting and planning for sex).
2. Abusive at Times (Abused her 2-3 times in a span of 7-8 years for not having sex with me, after I had planned/waited in bed and I got a frustration burst).
3. Financially not strong.
4. Once we fought at time of first child was born, 4 years back.
5. Pervert
6. Takes less care of kids.
7. Porn Addict
8. Too touchy
9. Careless
10. Stupid

I am not justifying by violence or abuse, Its wrong I know. Its very very bad. And its not regular, it happens in 3-4 years ... 
But all this happened in frustration, helplessness, me not in control of emotions or sexual drive.
Otherwise I am usually peaceful and humorous as per others.


----------



## EleGirl

ineedhelp1409 said:


> With great difficulty and Tact, Today I was able to gather few inputs from my wife, which i am already aware of and need improvement from my side. List of Horrible things I do.
> 
> 1. Violent (The Recent Incident, in a span of 7-8 years when i got frustrated out of waiting and planning for sex).
> 2. Abusive at Times (Abused her 2-3 times in a span of 7-8 years for not having sex with me, after I had planned/waited in bed and I got a frustration burst).
> 3. Financially not strong.
> 4. Once we fought at time of first child was born, 4 years back.
> 5. Pervert
> 6. Takes less care of kids.
> 7. Porn Addict
> 8. Too touchy
> 9. Careless
> 10. Stupid
> 
> I am not justifying by violence or abuse, Its wrong I know. Its very very bad. And its not regular, it happens in 3-4 years ...
> But all this happened in frustration, helplessness, me not in control of emotions or sexual drive.
> Otherwise I am usually peaceful and humorous as per others.


Did you get the books? 

What she gave you is her list of love busters. You have to take these seriously.

Now, I'm sure that you also have things that are your love busters... things that she does that bust your love for her. You have listed some of them on this thread.

I really wish you would get the book "Love Busters" and read it because it will tell you what to do with all this info. It's too much for anyone to be able to do in the format of a forum like this.


----------



## Mr.Married

How about just dropping a bomb ........ make your intentions known that you are headed for divorce .... give her the divorce papers.

She then might be ready to listen .... and the two of you can have a REAL discussion about your relationship as HUSBAND and WIFE.

It's a bit harsh .... but effective


----------



## john117

Mr.Married said:


> How about just dropping a bomb ........ make your intentions known that you are headed for divorce .... give her the divorce papers.
> 
> 
> 
> She then might be ready to listen .... and the two of you can have a REAL discussion about your relationship as HUSBAND and WIFE.
> 
> 
> 
> It's a bit harsh .... but effective


That may work as a threat and not as a long term strategy. Indian women tend to have a large social circle comprised of other Indian women, and being the only divorced person in the group isn't desirable. But if she feels forced it's not workable.

I've known well over a hundred, maybe hundred and fifty Indian couples and 1 divorce. And that lady was certified BSC. Good friend tho . 



Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


----------



## Lila

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm equally sure of the reason and it isn't because she had a premonition that he was going to hit her in 2 years.


Mr. nail, you've been on TAM a long time. There's always more to the story.

The OP posted he spoke with his wife and she mentioned "1. Violent (The Recent Incident, in a span of 7-8 years when i got frustrated out of waiting and planning for sex). *2. Abusive at Times (Abused her 2-3 times in a span of 7-8 years for not having sex with me, after I had planned/waited in bed and I got a frustration burst)*". It didn't surprise me reading #2. Physical violence is usually just the tip of the iceberg in cases of marital abuse. Spousal abuse usually starts off as verbal and/or emotional then gradually escalates to physical which seems to be the case here. 

It's also a testament to the OP's personality how he INSISTS on blaming his wife for the abuse. That, more than anything, tells me everything I need to know. No, his wife didn't have a premonition he was going to hit her but I'll bet you my last dollar his "blame the victim" and entitlement mentality is not new and plays a big role on why she is sexually repulsed by him. I'm sure there are other things going on that do not help but taking responsibility for the abusive behaviors is generally something he can do relatively easily but as he's demonstrated time and time again on this thread, he can't. The question then becomes "Why?". 


If he truly wishes to get to the bottom of why his wife finds him sexually repulsive, then he's going to have to drop the ego and take a really good hard look at himself. Self Awareness is step one. If he can in all honesty say "Yep, my side of the street is sparkly clean", only then can he start blaming his wife for her behavior towards him.


----------



## NobodySpecial

Lila said:


> Mr. nail, you've been on TAM a long time. There's always more to the story.
> 
> The OP posted he spoke with his wife and she mentioned "1. Violent (The Recent Incident, in a span of 7-8 years when i got frustrated out of waiting and planning for sex). *2. Abusive at Times (Abused her 2-3 times in a span of 7-8 years for not having sex with me, after I had planned/waited in bed and I got a frustration burst)*". It didn't surprise me reading #2. Physical violence is usually just the tip of the iceberg in cases of marital abuse. Spousal abuse usually starts off as verbal and/or emotional then gradually escalates to physical which seems to be the case here.
> 
> It's also a testament to the OP's personality how he INSISTS on blaming his wife for the abuse. That, more than anything, tells me everything I need to know. No, his wife didn't have a premonition he was going to hit her but I'll bet you my last dollar his "blame the victim" and entitlement mentality is not new and plays a big role on why she is sexually repulsed by him. I'm sure there are other things going on that do not help but taking responsibility for the abusive behaviors is generally something he can do relatively easily but as he's demonstrated time and time again on this thread, he can't. The question then becomes "Why?".


It is like reading the history of abuse across the ages. He "abused" her 2-3 times in 7 years. Um, I am thinking not. Those are just the times he actually hit her.


EA: I feel very bad for your wife.


----------



## SunCMars

This is such a sad thread.

How do you teach an adult man social skills when none were properly presented to him as a youth?

How do you teach a man to dance when he has no rhythm? 
As he has heard no music?

How do you tell a man loaded with testosterone to sing and dance for his supper, to partake of his respite, doing it ever so slowly?
Telling him to eat in an orderly fashion, first lift the drink, then do the clinking of glasses, then nibbling on the appetizer, then the chewing of bland salad.

He, still hungry, to eat the now cold roll when it is meat that he desires. 
And the meat? What is its flavor, its 'doneness' state, if he cannot place his taste buds upon it?

Finally, telling him to start in on the main course when his eyes are focused only on the dessert.

How do you tell a man to eat his supper when it runs from his mouth, where the server will not permit his drinking of water or the wine?

How is he to eat the meat, when his fork is rejected? 
Oh, and yet the fork cannot find a soft spot to penetrate?

Social skills are needed to dine in the city.
Yay, in the jungle where he once lived….. these were never taught, he never learned.

Yay, some men cannot learn when lessons were so offered.
These both, they both go hungry.
Their testosterone goes bad, no...mad.





[The Helmsman]- King Brian


----------



## SunCMars

NobodySpecial said:


> It is like reading the history of abuse across the ages. He "abused" her 2-3 times in 7 years. Um, I am thinking not. Those are just the times he actually hit her.
> 
> 
> EA: I feel very bad for your wife.


Ah...Yes.

At times like this, reading this, I wish to just lay down, never to awake from this nightmare called 'Courting'.

Sigh.





[THM]- The Martian


----------



## ineedhelp1409

Lila said:


> Mr. nail, you've been on TAM a long time. There's always more to the story.
> 
> The OP posted he spoke with his wife and she mentioned "1. Violent (The Recent Incident, in a span of 7-8 years when i got frustrated out of waiting and planning for sex). *2. Abusive at Times (Abused her 2-3 times in a span of 7-8 years for not having sex with me, after I had planned/waited in bed and I got a frustration burst)*". It didn't surprise me reading #2. Physical violence is usually just the tip of the iceberg in cases of marital abuse. Spousal abuse usually starts off as verbal and/or emotional then gradually escalates to physical which seems to be the case here.
> 
> It's also a testament to the OP's personality how he INSISTS on blaming his wife for the abuse. That, more than anything, tells me everything I need to know. No, his wife didn't have a premonition he was going to hit her but I'll bet you my last dollar his "blame the victim" and entitlement mentality is not new and plays a big role on why she is sexually repulsed by him. I'm sure there are other things going on that do not help but taking responsibility for the abusive behaviors is generally something he can do relatively easily but as he's demonstrated time and time again on this thread, he can't. The question then becomes "Why?".
> 
> 
> If he truly wishes to get to the bottom of why his wife finds him sexually repulsive, then he's going to have to drop the ego and take a really good hard look at himself. Self Awareness is step one. If he can in all honesty say "Yep, my side of the street is sparkly clean", only then can he start blaming his wife for her behavior towards him.



I am self aware and admitting to my sins and honestly discussing here, to fix the situation. I am no God.
I have flaws. I am not perfect. If you look at my thread, its Title is Sexual Inclination and focused more on
How I should i fix myself?

I wish to stop begging for sex, get rid of planning for sex, I do not wish to disturb my wife, I wish to get rid of watching porn because of lack of proper sex, I want to find out a way not to feel horny while sleeping with gorgeous wife, i want to give peace and be at peace. How do I finish Sex as my need, without making her realize, without cheating, without divorce, without ruining peace at home, without taking any medicine. I am not on 24X7 erection mode, i am not a rapist, I am not on Viagra, I am not a alcoholic or a smoker. I just want to kill my sexual desire so she doesnt come to know and feels i am a changed man. I want to kill stress which is created by my heart and mind to be romantic and sexual. I really want to become un-romantic.

Now plz dont again start criticizing me that i am a hitter and abuser, i want change myself about the attraction and affection which is generated towards my wife inside me. I had a love marriage. Now I want to kill the love and affection inside me.

I am sorry, i have been understood on the thread wrongly.


----------



## ineedhelp1409

NobodySpecial said:


> It is like reading the history of abuse across the ages. He "abused" her 2-3 times in 7 years. Um, I am thinking not. Those are just the times he actually hit her.
> 
> 
> EA: I feel very bad for your wife.


I am self aware and admitting to my sins and honestly discussing here, to fix the situation. I am no God.
I have flaws. I am not perfect. If you look at my thread, its Title is Sexual Inclination and focused more on
How I should i fix myself?

I wish to stop begging for sex, get rid of planning for sex, I do not wish to disturb my wife, I wish to get rid of watching porn because of lack of proper sex, I want to find out a way not to feel horny while sleeping with gorgeous wife, i want to give peace and be at peace. How do I finish Sex as my need, without making her realize, without cheating, without divorce, without ruining peace at home, without taking any medicine. I am not on 24X7 erection mode, i am not a rapist, I am not on Viagra, I am not a alcoholic or a smoker. I just want to kill my sexual desire so she doesnt come to know and feels i am a changed man. I want to kill stress which is created by my heart and mind to be romantic and sexual. I really want to become un-romantic.

Now plz dont again start criticizing me that i am a hitter and abuser, i want change myself about the attraction and affection which is generated towards my wife inside me. I had a love marriage. Now I want to kill the love and affection inside me.

I am sorry, i have been understood on the thread wrongly.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

ineedhelp1409 said:


> *But* all this happened in frustration, helplessness, me not in control of emotions or sexual drive. Otherwise I am usually peaceful and humorous as per others.


LOL. Every abuser* always* has their 'but' to try to justify their behavior, don't they?

OP, in my opinion, I'm kind of amazed that your wife is still with you. You're always trying to 'lick her boobs' or push yourself on her every chance you get and pouting when she pushes you away. You paint this picture for us about you loving her OH so much and how it's ALL about how you miss her intimately and blah blah blah, but you go on about how you're eyeballing woman out in public and getting all horned out by them, then wanting to come home and be intimate with your wife - only because you just love her just SO much and need intimacy with her. 

She's completely turned off by you. More so, she doesn't want to be intimate with someone who *justifies* his occasional physical abuse of her by claiming victim-hood due to his ever-present high sex drive supposedly making you abuse her "out of helplessness and frustration."

Saying "I'm sorry" to her ain't enough, OP. It's just not enough - especially when you justify it.


----------



## Mr. Nail

Sex stopped at the birth of child #2. The writing is on the wall. 

Who couldn't be a better partner? OP needs to be aware that nothing he can or even should do is going to fix this. He can be a saint for the next 50 years and she will offer up clothed sex 3 times a year.


----------



## NobodySpecial

ineedhelp1409 said:


> I am self aware and admitting to my sins and honestly discussing here, to fix the situation. I am no God.
> I have flaws. I am not perfect. If you look at my thread, its Title is Sexual Inclination and focused more on
> How I should i fix myself?
> 
> I wish to stop begging for sex, get rid of planning for sex, I do not wish to disturb my wife, I wish to get rid of watching porn because of lack of proper sex, I want to find out a way not to feel horny while sleeping with gorgeous wife, i want to give peace and be at peace. How do I finish Sex as my need, without making her realize, without cheating, without divorce, without ruining peace at home, without taking any medicine. I am not on 24X7 erection mode, i am not a rapist, I am not on Viagra, I am not a alcoholic or a smoker. I just want to kill my sexual desire so she doesnt come to know and feels i am a changed man. I want to kill stress which is created by my heart and mind to be romantic and sexual. I really want to become un-romantic.
> 
> Now plz dont again start criticizing me that i am a hitter and abuser, i want change myself about the attraction and affection which is generated towards my wife inside me. I had a love marriage. Now I want to kill the love and affection inside me.
> 
> I am sorry, i have been understood on the thread wrongly.


Unfortunately for you, I think you have been understood quite correctly. But you don't want to be.


----------



## Mr. Nail

NobodySpecial said:


> Unfortunately for you, I think you have been understood quite correctly. But you don't want to be.


The Great and Powerful OZ has spoken!


----------



## NobodySpecial

Mr. Nail said:


> The Great and Powerful OZ has spoken!


.


----------



## LeGenDary_Man

ineedhelp1409 said:


> I understand, my wife has long day and multi tasks a lot without much spare time. She goes to a Gym in the morning then to office and then returns in the evening and then we have dinner and make kids sleep. Then my wife is tired and sleepy by that time and refuses to have sex. So, I am mostly i am left to have sex on friday and saturday night. That too many times doesn't happen due to my wife being not agreeing, guests at home, we going out, her menstrual cycles, kids sleeping late or any other reason may arise."


Your wife seems to have too much on her plate. Her job is probably demanding, and she has no energy left to partake in sexual activity at the end of the day. However, she can make time for you in the weekends.



ineedhelp1409 said:


> I try to push her lot for sex almost all the time because i am unable to make out when she will agree or when circumstances will allow. Recently she has slimmed down a lot too, making her further attractive. But she never allows me undress her or lick her boobs while having sex. She even does not allow me to put my hand under her t-shirt, she only maximum allows me to ass massage for some time. When I push her a lot, sometimes i ask her to open the door once she is done with her shower, she allows me lick her boobs for 3 seconds each. She never smooches and closes her mouth tightly if i try to (no bad breath issues with me, i am a clean nice guy).


Stop begging her for sex please - this is NOT sexy. Something is amiss here because you are unable to TURN your wife ON for reasons only she can explain, or you already know. Perhaps a long history of activities on your end which might have put her off?

Your wife seems to be conscious about her physical fitness which is GOOD FOR HER. But what about you? Do you go to gym? Do you exercise and/or have scheduled walks with her?

And your wife go to female-only gym or mixed-gym? If she go to female-only gym then you consider joining male-only gym. If she go to mixed-gym then consider joining it, or tell her to try female-only gym instead.

If joining a gym is difficult for you then consider buying an effective exercising machine for yourself to try at home. *Elliptical trainer* is good option.



ineedhelp1409 said:


> Mostly when she agrees to have sex, she needs porn to get aroused most of the times. Then i finger her while she watches porn, once she gets bit aroused she hold my **** with her hand and moves it to-and-fro and then she gets an orgasms, then i do it in missionary position using a condom for my orgasm. I ejaculate fast because she has already done lot of to-and-fro by hand, so i get quick orgasm, which doesn't satisfy me or her too. Then she at times may ask me for another orgasm with fingers inside and tongue on her clit. She does does not make any noise or move much while doing this all, she also doesn't remove her top clothes while doing this. For me it feels slight better than self masturbating, still not very passionate. In my opinion we are doing it all wrong, but she refuses to change position or way or approaching it.


Oh dear! Your wife needs PORN to get aroused? She should be allowing you to AROUSE her instead. It seems that you two do not have a CHEMISTRY of any kind at present.

Stay away from PORN for the sake of your marriage if you wish to REBUILD chemistry with your wife. You need to have a GAME for her and PORN should not be a part of it. First step towards this end is to work to prioritize your own physical fitness since your wife is going to gym - being attractive is important (always).

And take a look at the list of my suggestions below.



ineedhelp1409 said:


> She never gives blow jobs, but thats not much of a desire all the time. But sometimes I really need it, it feels wonderful if it happens, its feels like a man is being wanted and loved.
> She never tells her desires.


Some women do not like giving blowjobs, and this part is not necessary to have decent sexual experience. A woman might love you, but still refuse to give you blowjobs. Just saying.



ineedhelp1409 said:


> When I go out for work or markets and meet other same aged modern attractive women, it becomes very painful. My desire to have good sex with my wife further rises. I just admire other women visually, never try to get close or try to know them. When I have a attractive women at home and i feel good about it, i see no need in my life to flirt around. But yes ... the visuals definitely increase my craving for sex with my own wife.


This is normal feeling. It shows that you have feelings for your wife and desire her which is GOOD. However, the 'problem situation' in this case is that your wife is not into you at present, and how you would address this situation. Take a look at the list of my suggestions below.



ineedhelp1409 said:


> But now I am fed up of constantly asking and begging for sex with my wife for past 2-3 years. I dont feel like going out at night, or inviting guests at night, or go for movie nights or anything which which may ruin my chances of having sex with her.


You have tried this approach and it doesn't work, so STOP.

REPEAT: Stop begging her for sex please - this is NOT sexy. 



ineedhelp1409 said:


> Many times I plan to move away from thinking about sex by not sleeping with her and sleeping in another room, and not disturbing her. But then i fear that may start a rift in family life. I love my kids and wife. I have a comfortable life cant spoil that.


She bear no consequences for denying you intimacy time and again, so why would she feel inclined to change? You need to figure out what you did wrong all along (and) what she did wrong all along - and make an effort to fix this dysfunctional dynamic for both. Take a look at the list of my suggestions below. 



ineedhelp1409 said:


> Many times i watch TV, Internet, spiritual stuff and try to fall asleep, but this doesn't help or actually feel good every day. So I get frustrated at times.
> Many times I feel to go out to mountains and do photography and divert my mind, but that also is a difficult solution as she may feel offended by that, how can I holiday alone ... and she might become revengeful further driving it to a rift.


Are these your FEARS, or your wife have acted this way at some point when you planned a SOLO ENJOYMENT TRIP? You might have 'co-dependence' mindset? 

You are not a slave, and can plan a solo enjoyment trip, but restrict this move to your city or nearby settlements. Not appropriate to leave your partner at home with kids while you go trekking in distant lands. When you plan this kind of trip, inform your wife in advance, and give her the option to contact you.



ineedhelp1409 said:


> To divert my mind and energy, many times I feel to join a course or table tennis academy in the evening from 7 pm to 10 pm so that i get tired after playing, shower and dinner ... and then sleep. But that may again trigger a rift that I am not available when kids and she is at home for dinner.


Hire a nanny, honestly.

Or even better - take your kids with you in your TIME OUT from home if you can handle them on your own. Chances are that your wife might appreciate this move on your part. Being a loving father can make a lasting impression.



ineedhelp1409 said:


> Many times I think, that i should find a **** buddy or extra marital affair, but that also ruins everything.. and is difficult because i am quite spiritual and one woman man.
> 
> Many times I try to talk horny and dirty with her (considering if she wants to fantasies of someone else than me) i talk about swapping, group sex, double penetrations, But that also didn't help either.


JUST STOP. Neither your begging behavior and nor these type of suggestions will FIX your MARITAL PROBLEMS, period. In fact, your wife might get the impression that you do not desire HER *but* SEX and/or even feel motivated to CHEAT ON YOU. Chances are that you will not enjoy sharing your wife with strangers either. Time to move away from PORN.



ineedhelp1409 said:


> Another issue might be that she might not be finding me attractive anymore. Because to arouse her I need to show her bondage/bdsm/rough sex porn, she feels bored with slow blow job / passionate sex. She prefers cruel porn. Very rarely she has sex without that kind of cruel porn. Lot of times I tried to move away from porn and asked on focusing on each other, but with clothes on as she likes .. it doesn't work.


RED FLAG - Disturbing revelation.

Are you sure that your wife does not go out with her colleagues or friends at any point in time? Anything unusual? What kind of company she keeps? Do you and your wife have MUTUAL FRIENDS?

PORN needs to go in your case.



ineedhelp1409 said:


> I silently passed 2-3 years by putting too much effort into all this for sex and had non passionate sex from her side. In the positions and way i described above. I couldnt discuss or revolt all this time, since i was partially financially dependent on her for a transaction. (She was paying for a transaction on 23 of every month and i use to return it by 9th of next month). If i revolted she always could have taken a revengeful attitude on that, resulting in problems in my business flow. But now financially things are better with me and I have gathered strength to discuss the issue, and does not have that much insecurity currently.


Does your wife INTIMIDATE you in a certain way? Does she feel uncomfortable with the prospects of sharing her income with you?

*Emphasis mine.* Me and my wife are like a TEAM in regards to managing our household expenses. What I earn, is for my wife and our child, and what my wife earns, is for me and our child. This is how things should be, in a good marriage.



ineedhelp1409 said:


> My mother expired little before that year so i wanted to take aunt with for the first time to see my child, for some reason she didnt like that and we had a fight, then she fired so much on me that... and she took a kind of revenge that i did not take care of her. I was surprised and had fight with everyone at her place and came back. .... So this is for sure ... she keeps things in her heart to take revenge or blast at me later. At that time was I financially also puzzled. Till date she has the ability to fight on that incident ;-)


Problem # 1 spotted. You have a HISTORY which your wife deeply resents, and this is NOT GOOD for you and your marriage. Did you every try to apologize to your wife about this incident? Any closure in this regard?



ineedhelp1409 said:


> Mostly she refuses for feeling sleepy or tired ... earlier she also had thyroid, but when i visited doctor with her. Doctor said this might be a reason too... but he should regular medicine will improve it. She is taking regular medicine ... she has become fitter .. but things on sexual front have become worst.


Problem # 2 spotted. The highlighted part could be one of the causes - decline in your wife's *libido.*

Are you aware of the potential side-effects of her medication in its present-form? Some medicines are known to NEGATIVELY AFFECT *libido.* 

You should discuss this matter with the relevant doctor ASAP. 



ineedhelp1409 said:


> I am self aware and admitting to my sins and honestly discussing here, to fix the situation. I am no God.
> I have flaws. I am not perfect. If you look at my thread, its Title is Sexual Inclination and focused more on
> How I should i fix myself?
> 
> I wish to stop begging for sex, get rid of planning for sex, I do not wish to disturb my wife, I wish to get rid of watching porn because of lack of proper sex, I want to find out a way not to feel horny while sleeping with gorgeous wife, i want to give peace and be at peace. How do I finish Sex as my need, without making her realize, without cheating, without divorce, without ruining peace at home, without taking any medicine. I am not on 24X7 erection mode, i am not a rapist, I am not on Viagra, I am not a alcoholic or a smoker. I just want to kill my sexual desire so she doesnt come to know and feels i am a changed man. I want to kill stress which is created by my heart and mind to be romantic and sexual. I really want to become un-romantic.
> 
> Now plz dont again start criticizing me that i am a hitter and abuser, i want change myself about the attraction and affection which is generated towards my wife inside me. I had a love marriage. Now I want to kill the love and affection inside me.
> 
> I am sorry, i have been understood on the thread wrongly.


Problem # 3 spotted. You have a HISTORY of being abusive towards your wife, and THIS might have exacerbated her feelings of resentment towards you. Refer back to Problem # 1 above; your wife remembers.

Well, nobody is perfect so I give you this. And GOOD TO KNOW that you want to change your behavior to save your marriage - make this your GOAL from now on.

---

Following are my suggestions, based on your disclosures:-

1. You have a history of being violent with your wife and this is NOT OK. Being physical will not address your martial problems - you might have realized this by now. So do not repeat this mistake again.

2. Consult your wife's doctor about the potential side-effects of her medication in its present form. Inform the doctor that your wife is becoming FRIGID in the bedroom, and this a matter of grave concern to you. MEDICAL CAUSES of this problem should be addressed ASAP.

3. Since your wife is conscious about physical fitness, she might expect the same from you. You need to take your physical fitness seriously as well, for your OWN GOOD. Being attractive, is important to bolster intimacy.

4. Adopt some healthy part-time hobbies, and take your kids out on your own if you can handle them on your own.

5. Stop begging your wife for SEX time and again, and REMOVE PORN from the equation. You and your wife are FIXATED ON PORN instead of rebuilding your CHEMISTRY and this will not help. DROP THE PORN part please.

6. Revisit your 'communication' with your wife - what you say to her on a day-to-day basis. Talk to her about her work and if everything is OK in her work environment. Let her know that you feel something is OFF and this is bothering you. Ask her if she have any complaints about your behavior - she should let it out to you. *Assure her that you will not feel offended if she have anything negative to say about you* - this is really important. 

Good communication skills can mitigate feelings of resentment in your partner, and improve your GAME on top.

Some pointers:-

[1] https://www.allprodad.com/10-common-communication-breakdowns-in-marriage/
[2] https://psychcentral.com/lib/marriage-communication-3-common-mistakes-and-how-to-fix-them/
[3] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...roblems-how-communication-techniques-can-make

Above all:-










7. You need to consider and suggest SEX THERAPY to your wife (for both of you). This in addition to suggestion no. 2 above. However, address suggestion no. 2 *FIRST*.

8. If you have anger-related issues, then consider ANGER MANAGEMENT THERAPY for yourself *before* suggestion no. 7 above. You need to demonstrate through your actions that you will not be angry at your wife in relation to her COMPLAINTS if you want her to OPEN UP TO YOU. It is very very important for you to look for ways to MITIGATE your wife's feelings of RESENTMENT towards you; refer back to Problem # 1 and Problem # 3 respectively. Connected the dots for you.

Make an effort to rebuild your CHEMISTRY with your wife but stop badgering her over this matter. Revisit your communication methods and habits at home, and make it EASY for your wife to discuss her problems with you by assuring her that you will not be angry at her. 

And it does not hurt to be vigilant and observant. Your wife's preference for BDSM type stuff is NOT HEALTHY. Keep an eye on her company and habits. Scores of members can give you pointers in this regard, and other forms of RED FLAG. But do not confront your wife over these matters yet - she might go DEFENSIVE. Just keep your eyes open. Beautiful women are known to receive lot of unnecessary attention from...

On a side note; your wife might be into BDSM PORN due to your behavior towards her - symptomatic. However, this is not concrete, and could be due to another factor. PORN itself can poison innocent minds.


----------



## Mr. Nail

We have no reason to fight,
'Cause we both know that we're right - supertramp Child of Vision


----------



## MattMatt

ineedhelp1409 said:


> With great difficulty and Tact, Today I was able to gather few inputs from my wife, which i am already aware of and need improvement from my side. List of Horrible things I do.
> 
> 1. Violent (The Recent Incident, in a span of 7-8 years when i got frustrated out of waiting and planning for sex).
> 2. Abusive at Times (Abused her 2-3 times in a span of 7-8 years for not having sex with me, after I had planned/waited in bed and I got a frustration burst).
> 3. Financially not strong.
> 4. Once we fought at time of first child was born, 4 years back.
> 5. Pervert
> 6. Takes less care of kids.
> 7. Porn Addict
> 8. Too touchy
> 9. Careless
> 10. Stupid
> 
> *I am not justifying by violence or abuse, Its wrong I know. Its very very bad. And its not regular, it happens in 3-4 years* ...
> But all this happened in frustration, helplessness, me not in control of emotions or sexual drive.
> Otherwise I am usually peaceful and humorous as per others.


In my opinion, once is too many.


----------



## pbj2016

ineedhelp1409 said:


> I am self aware and admitting to my sins and honestly discussing here, to fix the situation. I am no God.
> 
> I have flaws. I am not perfect. If you look at my thread, its Title is Sexual Inclination and focused more on
> 
> How I should i fix myself?
> 
> 
> 
> I wish to stop begging for sex, get rid of planning for sex, I do not wish to disturb my wife, I wish to get rid of watching porn because of lack of proper sex, I want to find out a way not to feel horny while sleeping with gorgeous wife, i want to give peace and be at peace. How do I finish Sex as my need, without making her realize, without cheating, without divorce, without ruining peace at home, without taking any medicine. I am not on 24X7 erection mode, i am not a rapist, I am not on Viagra, I am not a alcoholic or a smoker. I just want to kill my sexual desire so she doesnt come to know and feels i am a changed man. I want to kill stress which is created by my heart and mind to be romantic and sexual. I really want to become un-romantic.
> 
> 
> 
> Now plz dont again start criticizing me that i am a hitter and abuser, i want change myself about the attraction and affection which is generated towards my wife inside me. I had a love marriage. Now I want to kill the love and affection inside me.
> 
> 
> 
> I am sorry, i have been understood on the thread wrongly.




So much wrong in this response. You want to kill the love and affection inside of you? I don’t see a husband that loves his wife except to see her as way to satisfy his urges. You meant that you lust your wife simply because you have “needs”. Nothing about that response tells me that you love her. Have you ever?

She gave you a list any one of which is reason for her never to let you touch her again. You continually justify abusing her. You couch your response in victim blaming. 

When was the last time you did something for your wife without ANY strings attached. Love is demonstrated by sacrificing self including so called needs/wants/desires. 

So how do you fix yourself? I don’t see an easy way especially since you won’t take any medicine. 

Not in any order but first I think you have to stop with the porn. Your wife doesn’t deserve a man that is fueled by the endorphins you receive by watching porn. Do some research on porn addiction especially how your reward system works. 

Second I think you have to admit that you don’t love your wife. You love her holes only because what they do for you. Read “Love Busters” by Willard Harley and find out what you are doing that kills your wife’s affection for you. 

Third, drop your objection to medicine. You could ask your therapist to treat you for depression and/or anger issues. Maybe you are a sex addict then treat for that. 

Honestly I don’t think you have a prayer of regaining your wife’s love/affection and more importantly respect. Not without some very tough choices and decisions you must take for your own sake. Get professional help because you need it.


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## Mr. Nail

pbj2016 said:


> So much wrong in this response. You want to kill the love and affection inside of you? I don’t see a husband that loves his wife except to see her as way to satisfy his urges. You meant that you lust your wife simply because you have “needs”. Nothing about that response tells me that you love her. Have you ever?
> 
> *She gave you a list any one of which is reason for her never to let you touch her again*. You continually justify abusing her. You couch your response in victim blaming.
> 
> When was the last time you did something for your wife without ANY strings attached. Love is demonstrated by sacrificing self including so called needs/wants/desires.
> 
> So how do you fix yourself? I don’t see an easy way especially since you won’t take any medicine.
> 
> Not in any order but first I think you have to stop with the porn. Your wife doesn’t deserve a man that is fueled by the endorphins you receive by watching porn. Do some research on porn addiction especially how your reward system works.
> 
> Second I think you have to admit that you don’t love your wife. You love her holes only because what they do for you. Read “Love Busters” by Willard Harley and find out what you are doing that kills your wife’s affection for you.
> 
> Third, drop your objection to medicine. You could ask your therapist to treat you for depression and/or anger issues. Maybe you are a sex addict then treat for that.
> 
> Honestly I don’t think you have a prayer of regaining your wife’s love/affection and more importantly respect. Not without some very tough choices and decisions you must take for your own sake. Get professional help because you need it.



I think number 8 on her list supports your conclusion best. Pervert on the other hand indicates her belief that sex stops when childbirth goals are met. If postpartum depression or that belief are the case, Then yes he will never regain her sexual interest. If the belief system is the problem, then she never loved him to start with and nothing is to be gained.

Going through the list I see two categories. The second group is the reasons she has for holding him in contempt. (pervert, stupid,etc) The first group is her excuses to act on her contempt. (violence, argument years ago, porn etc.)
Now this leads to my exception to your conclusion. If he does a lot of hard work,and fixes his problems, as he should be encouraged to do, she will still have the core of contempt for him. Realizing up front that there is no path to renewed sexual relationship will actually help him more in his journey of self improvement. Many men fail to self improvement because they are looking for a reward that is never coming. He is better off to improve for his own reward.


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## Spicy

@LeGenDary_Man:What a great post!

OP- listen to @EleGirl and order the books and read them if you haven’t yet.


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## notmyjamie

I say this not to criticize you but to help you see what needs to be done in order to fix things. When replying before, I somehow missed the fact that you admit to abusing your wife physically. It doesn't matter that it "only" happened a few times in 7 years. You've destroyed her trust for you. When she has sex with you now, she's forcing herself to do it so you won't assault her again. That's tantamount to rape. The BDSM porn might be a way for her to escape what is happening to her during sex, not a way to turn her on. She may be thinking "at least that's not happening to me right now" or "things could be worse."

If you want to fix your marriage and your sex life, you need to fix yourself first. The very first thing you need to admit is that assaulting your wife is wrong, no matter what the reason. That in by doing so, you've killed her love for you. And more importantly, the fact that you will assault her while you claim to love her proves you need some serious counseling and mental health help.

Go to individual counseling first, be brutally honest with your therapist. Fix yourself. DO NOT ASK YOUR WIFE FOR SEX until your problems are solved, if they can ever be solved. Tell her why you're not going to ask anymore. And that includes peeking into the shower and asking to lick her breasts. Leave her alone completely and let her heal. Let her know you're committed to fixing yourself. If you're truly remorseful for hitting her, tell her you're sorry and that there is no excuse. Do not say "but it was because..." as that will show her you could do it again the next time she refuses to have sex with you and you aren't actually sorry at all, you blame her. Believe me, the blame is entirely your own. Millions of men get turned down for sex all around the world every day and they do not hit their wife. End of story.

Once you've made headway in individual therapy, ask her to join you in marriage counseling. Do not try to resume a sexual relationship until the marriage counselor feels you are BOTH ready. If you need to masturbate to get you through the lack of sex than do it. Millions of people do it every day to help relieve their needs. You can too. 

I hope for your sake and your wife's you get some help.


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## Mr. Nail

I would like to mention that in our entire relationship, from meeting to near dissolution, I have never struck Mrs. Nail. On the other hand during courting She struck my back hard enough to leave a mark and take my breath. By the standards shown in this thread, I should have no attraction to her. Anything that I do from that point on will be automatically excused. She is a Brute, and probably incurable.


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## SunCMars

it becomes very clear, very quickly to us that some people should not associate with each other. 

Be they male/female, be they married, just friends, same sex, just whatever.

We see this very clearly.

Except when it involves us personally and up close.

Your days in the sun with this lady, your wife, has now sunsetted.

Deal with it now while you have some bloom left on your', uh, potted plant.





[THM]- THM's


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## NobodySpecial

Mr. Nail said:


> I would like to mention that in our entire relationship, from meeting to near dissolution, I have never struck Mrs. Nail. On the other hand during courting She struck my back hard enough to leave a mark and take my breath. By the standards shown in this thread, I should have no attraction to her. Anything that I do from that point on will be automatically excused. She is a Brute, and probably incurable.


Of course, no one said that.


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## notmyjamie

Mr. Nail said:


> I would like to mention that in our entire relationship, from meeting to near dissolution, I have never struck Mrs. Nail. On the other hand during courting She struck my back hard enough to leave a mark and take my breath. By the standards shown in this thread, I should have no attraction to her. Anything that I do from that point on will be automatically excused. She is a Brute, and probably incurable.


I don't think there is a should or should not. Your relationship is your own. If you forgave her and moved on that's wonderful. I'm saying, based on what OP has revealed about his current relationship that his wife's behavior indicates that she has not forgiven him and no longer trusts him. 

Another difference is why your wife hit you? Was it because you refused sex? Because that's why OP hit his wife and so now every time he asks for sex, she's afraid she's going to get assaulted again if she says no. And he's asking for it a lot so it's bringing that pain back for her constantly. He has mixed up sex and violence for her and that can't be overcome easily. 

I hope you can see the difference.


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## NobodySpecial

notmyjamie said:


> I don't think there is a should or should not. Your relationship is your own. If you forgave her and moved on that's wonderful. I'm saying, based on what OP has revealed about his current relationship that his wife's behavior indicates that *she has not forgiven* him and no longer trusts him.
> 
> Another difference is why your wife hit you? Was it because you refused sex? Because that's why OP hit his wife and so now every time he asks for sex, she's afraid she's going to get assaulted again if she says no. And he's asking for it a lot so it's bringing that pain back for her constantly. He has mixed up sex and violence for her and that can't be overcome easily.
> 
> I hope you can see the difference.


I think it might be helpful for the OP to understand the oft requirement of actual remorse for forgiveness, vs I am sorry BUT it was really her fault...


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## pbj2016

Mr. Nail said:


> I think number 8 on her list supports your conclusion best. Pervert on the other hand indicates her belief that sex stops when childbirth goals are met. If postpartum depression or that belief are the case, Then yes he will never regain her sexual interest. If the belief system is the problem, then she never loved him to start with and nothing is to be gained.
> 
> 
> 
> Going through the list I see two categories. The second group is the reasons she has for holding him in contempt. (pervert, stupid,etc) The first group is her excuses to act on her contempt. (violence, argument years ago, porn etc.)
> 
> Now this leads to my exception to your conclusion. If he does a lot of hard work,and fixes his problems, as he should be encouraged to do, she will still have the core of contempt for him. Realizing up front that there is no path to renewed sexual relationship will actually help him more in his journey of self improvement. Many men fail to self improvement because they are looking for a reward that is never coming. He is better off to improve for his own reward.




I don’t disagree with anything you said about the list but I think you missed where I said he needs to do this for his own sake.


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## Mr. Nail

To be clear She is not "Sorry". And 34 years later she still claims it was my fault. 
Now if the shoe doesn't fit for her, why are you so sure the shoe fits him? 
Now you are positive that he struck her because she refused sex, and that she refused sex because he struck her. Now we don't have a chicken and an egg, but two eggs. Which came first.
Mrs. Nail struck me because she had a past issue with her father. Now she has mixed up me and her father in my mind. Now everytime I interact with her I think I'm her Father. That means that I need to break up this incetuous relationship as soon as possible. 
Now you say that Mrs Nail gets a pass because I forgave her. And OP does not get a pass because Mrs OP did not forgive. This messed up logic has guilt determined not by what was done but by how the victim feels about it. 

To return to the point. A man comes in here asking for help. He is advised that he is so evil that he is unlikely to be returned to decency even by years of therapy. How is this helping. The truth is more helpful. She is not interested in him sexually she has said it in words, she has demonstrated it in actions. Why? Because he is , in her eyes a Stupid Pervert. That is the truth he needs. The cold hard truth of her cold hard heart. The sooner he understands that she hates him, the sooner he can get on to fixing himself. As long as he is improving himself only with the hopes of romancing this Stone, he will continue to bash his head against that wall.


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## NobodySpecial

Mr. Nail said:


> To be clear She is not "Sorry". And 34 years later she still claims it was my fault.
> Now if the shoe doesn't fit for her,


It sounds like the shoe DOES fit for her. 



> why are you so sure the shoe fits him?
> Now you are positive that he struck her because she refused sex, and that she refused sex because he struck her. Now we don't have a chicken and an egg, but two eggs. Which came first.
> Mrs. Nail struck me because she had a past issue with her father. Now she has mixed up me and her father in my mind. Now everytime I interact with her I think I'm her Father. That means that I need to break up this incetuous relationship as soon as possible.
> Now you say that Mrs Nail gets a pass because I forgave her. And OP does not get a pass because Mrs OP did not forgive. This messed up logic has guilt determined not by what was done but by how the victim feels about it.
> 
> To return to the point. A man comes in here asking for help. He is advised that he is so evil that he is unlikely to be returned to decency even by years of therapy. How is this helping. The truth is more helpful. She is not interested in him sexually she has said it in words, she has demonstrated it in actions. Why? Because he is , in her eyes a Stupid Pervert. That is the truth he needs. The cold hard truth of her cold hard heart. The sooner he understands that she hates him, the sooner he can get on to fixing himself. As long as he is improving himself only with the hopes of romancing this Stone, he will continue to bash his head against that wall.


Well, I guess readying for proof of some kind of victim status of one's own bitter situation is not helpful since what you say above is not what anyone is recommending to him.


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## Mr. Nail

To @ineedhelp1409
Go to your doctor and ask him to prescribe you escitalopram. Tell your doctor that you are suffering depression and anxiety in your marriage (this is true). There is a pretty good chance that the side effect of this drug will completely kill your sex drive (as you are looking for). It will also give you enough clarity of thought that you can make a rational decision about your future. This is taking an action to improve yourself as you have been advised. Spend more time with your kids doing things that they are interested in. Spending time with children is very good for curing anxiety. 

That is the best advice I can give you, based on my own experience.


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## notmyjamie

Mr. Nail said:


> To be clear She is not "Sorry". And 34 years later she still claims it was my fault.
> 
> Now you say that Mrs Nail gets a pass because I forgave her. And OP does not get a pass because Mrs OP did not forgive. This messed up logic has guilt determined not by what was done but by how the victim feels about it.
> 
> To return to the point. A man comes in here asking for help. He is advised that he is so evil that he is unlikely to be returned to decency even by years of therapy. How is this helping. The truth is more helpful. She is not interested in him sexually she has said it in words, she has demonstrated it in actions. Why? Because he is , in her eyes a Stupid Pervert. That is the truth he needs. The cold hard truth of her cold hard heart. The sooner he understands that she hates him, the sooner he can get on to fixing himself. As long as he is improving himself only with the hopes of romancing this Stone, he will continue to bash his head against that wall.


One, I don't think your wife should get a pass. And I don't think OP should get a pass either. But I do believe people can change and earn forgiveness which brings me to my next point.

Two: I have not said he's evil or unlikely to return to decency. I have recommended therapy in the hopes it will help him learn better ways to cope with his frustration and help fix his marriage or if not this marriage, he won't make the same mistake in his next. 

I have no idea why she didn't want much sex originally, but I'm guessing it was because she had 2 small kids to take care of and that, mixed with hormonal changes killed her libido. It happens sometimes. They might have gotten past that with help but he screwed up by hitting her. I understand his frustration believe me. I'm just saying that was the absolute worst way to deal with it. OP says the rest of their relationship is good, but I tend to doubt that's entirely true. Once the intimacy of sex stops, other parts of the relationship often suffer as well. He just might not be seeing it as he's worrying so much about the sex aspect of their relationship.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Re: Chicken and egg; hitting vs withholding

It was brought up that she was backing off the sex long before he hit her, so we can't say him hitting here is an excuse for cutting off the sex.

Fair enough.

But consider....
In hitting her, he may have only demonstrated beyond any doubt to be the kind of man she already thought or knew he was. It has been said many times on this and other threads that most women will only want to have sex with a man she feels safe with. In this case, while he hadn't hit her yet, it's likely he had already given her reason to not feel safe. 

OP, this goes right back to what so many of us have been telling you. You can not blame her for your hitting here. If you can't own that, *completely without trying to justify and rationalize your actions,* you're going nowhere here. Now, I'll take it a step further. You need to take a serious, deep and unflinchingly, brutally honest look at your behavior before the physical violence and also own up to anything you might have done that would telegraph the potential for such behavior.


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## ineedhelp1409

Mr. Nail said:


> To return to the point. A man comes in here asking for help. He is advised that he is so evil that he is unlikely to be returned to decency even by years of therapy. How is this helping. The truth is more helpful. She is not interested in him sexually she has said it in words, she has demonstrated it in actions. Why? Because he is , in her eyes a Stupid Pervert. That is the truth he needs. The cold hard truth of her cold hard heart. The sooner he understands that she hates him, the sooner he can get on to fixing himself. As long as he is improving himself only with the hopes of romancing this Stone, he will continue to bash his head against that wall.


:smile2:


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## ineedhelp1409

notmyjamie said:


> One, I don't think your wife should get a pass. And I don't think OP should get a pass either. But I do believe people can change and earn forgiveness which brings me to my next point.
> 
> Two: I have not said he's evil or unlikely to return to decency. I have recommended therapy in the hopes it will help him learn better ways to cope with his frustration and help fix his marriage or if not this marriage, he won't make the same mistake in his next.
> 
> 
> 
> notmyjamie said:
> 
> 
> 
> I have no idea why she didn't want much sex originally, but I'm guessing it was because she had 2 small kids to take care of and that, mixed with hormonal changes killed her libido. It happens sometimes. They might have gotten past that with help but he screwed up by hitting her. I understand his frustration believe me. I'm just saying that was the absolute worst way to deal with it. OP says the rest of their relationship is good, but I tend to doubt that's entirely true. Once the intimacy of sex stops, other parts of the relationship often suffer as well. He just might not be seeing it as he's worrying so much about the sex aspect of their relationship.
> 
> 
> 
> :smile2: Atleast someone balanced the equation a bit.
Click to expand...


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## notmyjamie

ineedhelp1409 said:


> :smile2: Atleast someone balanced the equation a bit.



Very few problems in a marriage are ever just one person's fault. I really do hope you and your wife get some help.


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## Taxman

First and foremost, never raise a hand. I have learned over the years that even the most inconsequential physical assault, can be marriage ending. People just do not know how not to lash out, and it DOES COUNT. Brief story, one client was the nicest guy in the world. Honestly he was the guy who would NEVER harm a fly. (I actually saw him put a spider on a piece of paper, and take it outside.) So, I was floored when he approached me for advice as his marriage was ending over domestic violence. Turned out, that his wife would punch him every so often, in anger. He would never think of reacting in kind. This went from little "love taps" as she called them when they first married, and escalated from there. So, when he made his appointment, and DV was in the reason line, I could not believe it. I believed it, he came in looking like he had been in a donnybrook. He said he finally had enough, and she hit him. He explained to her, that if she continued, he would hit her back. She went downright medieval on him. He still could not bring himself to respond. I had the best idea. We took off his shirt, and photographed him. The bruises and abrasions were less than 24 hours old. Then a brief call to one of my attorneys, and we presented ourselves at the local constabulary. We showed the pictures and they took his complaint. Several hours later, he gets the call. "I can't believe you had me charged." "You goddamned wimp, I am going to make you regret ever going to the police" I was listening in on the call. I chimed in, "Sorry, you are being recorded, and I am proceeding to the police once more, we will be upping the charge to include uttering (threats)." I got the usual f. u. and I also got her arrested and put in the tank for the night. We were in arraignment court the next morning. She turned around and pleaded with him, "If you love me, you won't send me to jail." This time, nope, nada, nothing. We affected at that point a separation. We also got an RO. She was absolutely desperate for the charges to be withdrawn. We kept them apart for several months. Let her stew. As the court date approached, she, in desperation, was contacting my office to set up lines of communication. We waited until the day before court. Placed a post nup in front of her. In that post nup, if she dared lay a hand on him again, she would forfeit everything they had acquired in the marriage, and domestic violence charges would be laid and she would be prosecuted and face imprisonment. She asked what we would do? We agreed to drop the charges, and they would reconcile slowly. He dated her, and slowly re-integrated her back into his life. She needed to undertake anger management courses, and she needed to tell her parents and his why they separated, and what she needed to do to get her marriage back. 

It has now been almost ten years since. She has not ever raised a hand again. The anger management uncovered a little child abuse that happened in her background. Seems she saw her dad hurt her mother many times. It was family practice to gloss over the dirty little secret. She had carried that secret for a long time, and did not realize that it colored a lot of relationships.


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