# Attitude Adjustment: How to stop being such a judgmental *****?



## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

I think I need an attitude adjustment. 
FTR, I _do_ like who I am as a person, but I'm beginning to realize I'm a little difficult to deal with and I think my overall attitude is turning my husband off of me, mainly because he's who I spend the most time with.
My desire to tweak myself isn't just to please him.
(That's not my sole mission.)
Basically, I think it's time I become a more likable and positive person overall and I'd like to be a more appealing wife.
Attitude is everything, right?

So, I'm straight up, opinionated, articulate and extremely perceptive female.
People often confuse my perceptiveness or observations with judgment and TBH, I really don't see much difference between being observational and being judgmental, but the latter sounds bad.
For example, I will point out "This is going to happen because of this" and whomever I'm talking to (usually my husband) will tell me "I can't possibly know that" or "Wait and see."
So, we wait and see and 99% of the time I'm right.
(I'm not sure if being right is what bothers my husband the most or my judgment.)
I'm at this point in my life in which I crave to be wrong about people, but like I said I'm perceptive and rarely am. 
I don't sugar coat things, but I do have some diplomacy... Maybe I need a little more.
Most of my observations/judgments are simple and not malicious, but I think the sheer quantity of them is starting to really make my husband dislike me.
(Yes, I've always been this way and no, I'm not mad at him for suddenly finding it less appealing because I believe people's like/dislikes can change.)

So that's my mission and backstory.

Does anyone have any specific tips or advice on how to be less judgmental and *****y?
It's not like I sit at home and think about other people... My revelations just come to be almost like a knee jerk reaction.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Speak less.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

I'll explain the 2 most recent things that happened that I know ended up bothering the person involved. One was my husband and the other was a friend.

4 weeks ago, my FIL told everyone he'd like us to get together for dinner once a week.
He said this was to be on his dime and he wanted to do it because he's away all week and simply wanted to do something with/for everyone.
I thought it was a nice idea (albeit expensive) so we agreed and I supported it.
**** hit the fan last time.
His one daughter started making a fuss over the bill, saying she wanted to pay for her and her family.
It ended up being quite a scene and the waitress looked embarrassed as she didn't know who was actually paying.
(Just picture that awkward bill shuffling.)
Anyway, this happens EVERY week, despite the fact that he was quite clear HE WANTED TO PAY.
Obviously, I spoke up.
"Why do you guys do this every week? It's embarrassing and people are starting at us. Your father said he wanted to pay so either tell him BEFORE THE WAITRESS comes that you would like to pay or just let him pay."
I must have had a tone because his sister was almost in tears and ended up chasing the waitress to pay.
As soon as we got in the car, I told my husband this little ritual was done.
After the scene no one was going to get together next week for dinner.
I could just... Tell. It was a feeling i got.
He went on to tell me No, this is a ritual his dad wants to keep going blah, blah, blah.
I also knew when Sunday rolled around again there'd be no plans.
I told him I'd like to make dinner because I didn't think we'd be going as NO ONE HAD EVEN TALKED TO EACH OTHER ALL WEEK.
He assures me, it's happening.
So I didn't make dinner.
When it hit 6 PM I said "SO we're not going to dinner with your dad?"
"I guess not..."
Then he sulked all day and was mad that we had to eat out.
When I tried to point out that I knew it was going to happen and I wish had prepared dinner he was not impressed.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

The problem with being judgemental is that it often reads like criticism of others and is usually negative. I didn't realize how judgemental (or opinionated) I was until I had kids. I suddenly noticed others who were doing things I would never do, and I would be stumped as to why they wouldn't want to learn better techniques. 

I finally learned that this way of thinking was negative, and my desire to always be right was sabotaging my ability to be vulnerable to others, and limited my close friendships.

What really helps me now is reading about staying in the present. The Power of Now is a very helpful book for changing negative thinking patterns by teaching how to observe thoughts without judgement. The book also talks about how as soon as we hear ourselves thinking negative and critical thoughts about others, we're no longer in the present and to observe those thoughts instead of feeding into them.

What you describe is tied with gossip, and although it gets a bad rap, gossip is how many women bond to others close to them. I too find myself expressing these thoughts about others to my husband, who also doesn't seem to appreciate them. But when you take that away, we're left with limited things to talk about. So aside from noticing these thoughts and observing them, I've also been thinking of new more positive topics to replace gossip to talk about on date night with my husband.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

This happened yesterday with a friend:

I decided a long time ago that I no longer want to play on my current soccer team and made plans to leave them this summer.
I didn't want to tell the coach or the captain before my current season ended.
I didn't want to explain myself as I knew my reasons would not sit well with them (I don't like the direction the coach is taking the team in) and I figured my opinion would just piss everyone off.
I'd basically be saying, I don't like this team any longer and I don't want to play for you.
So I kept quiet as not to ruffle any feathers.
I did, however, tell my one friend my plans simply because I KNEW she'd tell the coach.
She's a nice girl, but a talker. 
It all slipped out yesterday at our last game and on the way home I asked her if she told them I wasn't playing.
(I could tell that they knew I wasnt coming back because when they were talking about uniforms no one took my number.)
She kind of stammered and said she's sorry that maybe she did.
I jsut sort of laughed and thanked her.
Why are you thanking me?
"Well, I only told you because I wanted you to tell them. You saved me a very uncomfortable conversation"
She went on to tell me I was mean for doing that to her...


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Jessica38 said:


> The problem with being judgemental is that it often reads like criticism of others and is usually negative. I didn't realize how judgemental (or opinionated) I was until I had kids. I suddenly noticed others who were doing things I would never do, and I would be stumped as to why they wouldn't want to learn better techniques.
> 
> I finally learned that this way of thinking was negative, and my desire to always be right was sabotaging my ability to be vulnerable to others, and limited my close friendships.
> 
> ...


But what if observations or judgments are TRUE? How is it my fault for saying something is true and it just happens to be negative? I'm not trying to be critical... It's just...f actual.
Also, i really don't care about being right. I'd LOVE to be wrong more.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Speak less.


I'mt rying this at home and it makes for a very quiet household with a husband constantly asking me "What's the matter?"


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

UnicornCupcake said:


> But what if observations or judgments are TRUE? How is it my fault for saying something is true and it just happens to be negative? I'm not trying to be critical... It's just...f actual.
> Also, i really don't care about being right. I'd LOVE to be wrong more.


With the team example to your friend, you pointed out that you were right. 

I get what you're saying- I too was usually right in what I saw was sub-par parenting when the kids were little. But the difference is that I didn't need to point it out to them. As soon as I started down that path, I needed to go, oh, ok, I'm judging that mom for the way she threatened her kid instead of redirecting him or removing him from a situation he's too young to handle. Now that I know I'm judging her, I realize that's not helpful. Instead, I'll show compassion and smile at her. 

Later, when I recall this incident and want to share it with another mom, I'll observe that in myself. I want to gossip about how this mom handled that situation. That is the past, focus on the present. What does that situation matter right now in this moment? It doesn't. Right now, everything is fine. The kids are playing happily. Let's talk about that.

In the case of your FIL, I don't see how that was being judgemental. It was an issue you needed to solve (prep dinner). But instead of focusing on the past, the next time your FIL invites you out, stay in the present. When SIL makes her move to pay let that be on her. When your thoughts come up about the past, observe them to yourself, and think, "Ok, yes, that's true she does this every week. What does that have to do with the present, with this moment? Nothing. I can sit here and enjoy the rest of my dinner and she can handle the bill with the server to pay for her family."


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

You sound very young and immature. When I was younger I was like you. I was opinionated, a know it all, and super judgmental. Then I grew up, some people called me out on my **** (thank god) and I learned as I experienced life. 
Right now your immature and selfish. You love to talk and you love to be right even if it hurts people. You are egocentric. I think as you grow up you will learn the proper way to act. I hope people call you out on your BS to help you. 
When people have relationships and conversations the point is not to be right. That's a huge character flaw. Then to rub it in people's face that you were right and I told you so is very childish and rude. 

Your story about fighting over the bill is very familiar to me, my in laws and husband do that all the time. It's not a big deal, in fact it's a very nice gesture to try to pay for the bill. All you see is how embarrassing it is from strangers point of view. Who cares about them. Who do you think you are saying anything like that to them? It actually blows my mind that you would intervene and say anything at all. You don't realize this now because you just don't get it... but that was incredibly rude to do.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I'mt rying this at home and it makes for a very quiet household with a husband constantly asking me "What's the matter?"


Ha! So true! My husband is the least judgemental person I know and he doesn't gossip. We often sit in silence with me asking him what's wrong. I'm trying to work on that.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

To stop being judgmental you need to gain compassion for those that you are hurting by your actions. I'm guessing by the tone of your post that you also need validation and recognition from those around you (a sign that you are trying to hide your insecurities), which you get by acting the way you do. I don't personally see you changing because it will be an act and insincere. You have to see a true flaw in yourself (you don't) and desire to change it (you don't), or nothing is going to happen.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

UnicornCupcake said:


> But what if observations or judgments are TRUE? How is it my fault for saying something is true and it just happens to be negative? I'm not trying to be critical... It's just...f actual.
> Also, i really don't care about being right. I'd LOVE to be wrong more.


But there are lots of different versions of truth - what bothers one person doesn't bother another. What one person thinks is unacceptable another person does not care. There can be a time to speak up and a time to tolerate flaws and quirks. You have to work out 'is it worth it?'. 

My SIL prides herself in 'just being honest', but actually she just comes across as being rude with poor social skills because she cannot judge when to speak and when to remain tactfully quiet. So family avoid her, friends come and go and she cannot stay in the same job for long. Drama tends to follow her around. Life would be a lot better for her if she was more tolerant of other people - being a very conservative Christian really does her no favours.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> This happened yesterday with a friend:
> 
> I decided a long time ago that I no longer want to play on my current soccer team and made plans to leave them this summer.
> I didn't want to tell the coach or the captain before my current season ended.
> ...


This was manipulation plain and simple and coming from some who has been accused of it in the past(unfairly) people hate to feel they are being set up like this.If you keep this know all behaviour up you will not have any friends left,and I'm certain hour husband is getting fed up with it as well.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I think I need an attitude adjustment.
> 
> Attitude is everything, right?
> 
> ...


Yes....THESE....bolded things.

You are straight up, opinionated [this is true], articulated [this is true] and extremely perceptive female [this I agree].

I too have a a tendency to be these things with intimates. Only occasionally, anyone else. Do not do this with just anyone. 

Only preach to the Choir.
..............................................................................................................................
Be judgemental, opinionated and perceptive. This is OK. 

Share those thoughts, ideas and judgements with "only" those that agree with you, or those that are logical and reasonable. Don't overdue it. Most people do not want to hear incessant negative banter.

With all others, bite your tongue. Try not to cure the world by bending the ears of your friends and family. Spare them your truth. They probably view this as unnecessary Drama.
.............................................................................................................................
Bend the ears.

Bend the minds.

Stretch the patience.

Of the people on this blog....TAM. 

This is what I do !!

Be Nimble....their Fly Swatter has a long handle. And they will lock ranks on you !!


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Jessica38 said:


> With the team example to your friend, you pointed out that you were right.


Should I have just said, "Oh, it's OK you told them even though I asked you not to.."? I thought about it, but that would have been a LIE. Maybe I should just lie or "refrain from mentioning" more...



Jessica38 said:


> When your thoughts come up about the past, observe them to yourself, and think, "Ok, yes, that's true she does this every week. What does that have to do with the present, with this moment? Nothing. I can sit here and enjoy the rest of my dinner and she can handle the bill with the server to pay for her family."


I'll try this. Focusing on the present seems much more... likable. I KNOW what's going to happen next, though.... My husband is going to "think" he needs to pay and I don't support going out for dinner every week. He doesn't, either. We don't agreed because it was on his father's dime. Then it'll become an issue concerning how we spend our money... I'll be back posting about that....


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> This happened yesterday with a friend:
> 
> I decided a long time ago that I no longer want to play on my current soccer team and made plans to leave them this summer.
> I didn't want to tell the coach or the captain before my current season ended.
> ...


This one was mean. You intentionally used her to do your dirty work.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

You need to learn class, tact, and etiquette. And respect!


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> This was manipulation plain and simple and coming from some who has been accused of it in the past(unfairly) people hate to feel they are being set up like this.If you keep this know all behaviour up you will not have any friends left,and I'm certain hour husband is getting fed up with it as well.


Why is me out foxing (manipulating) her any worse than her betraying my confidence? I swear, people int he superior position (smart trumps secret spiller) it's like the former ends up being the "bad" guy. She was in the wrong. I just knew she'd do it so I figured I'd save myself a conversation.
Maye I'll play the victim card more.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> You need to learn class, tact, and etiquette. And respect!


I consider myself to be pretty respectful. 
I do need some tact, though. I just feel like it involves so much lying or sparing of other people's feelings.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I'll explain the 2 most recent things that happened that I know ended up bothering the person involved. One was my husband and the other was a friend.
> 
> 4 weeks ago, my FIL told everyone he'd like us to get together for dinner once a week.
> He said this was to be on his dime and he wanted to do it because he's away all week and simply wanted to do something with/for everyone.
> ...


On this one, you were out of line to say anything at the meal at all. It wasn't your battle. You have to learn to sit back and watch some things unfold. Think MORE before you speak.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I consider myself to be pretty respectful.
> 
> I do need some tact, though. I just feel like it involves so much lying or sparing of other people's feelings.




You come on here acting like you want to change and better yourself but you are just arguing why your right. You don't listen to understand, you listen to reply and argue your case. 

You get that people have feelings right? Is it so hard for you to take them into consideration? 

I don't think this has to do with you being judgmental, your just not a nice person.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> You sound very young and immature. When I was younger I was like you. I was opinionated, a know it all, and super judgmental. Then I grew up, some people called me out on my **** (thank god) and I learned as I experienced life.
> Right now your immature and selfish. You love to talk and you love to be right even if it hurts people. You are egocentric. I think as you grow up you will learn the proper way to act. I hope people call you out on your BS to help you.
> When people have relationships and conversations the point is not to be right. That's a huge character flaw. Then to rub it in people's face that you were right and I told you so is very childish and rude.
> 
> Your story about fighting over the bill is very familiar to me, my in laws and husband do that all the time. It's not a big deal, in fact it's a very nice gesture to try to pay for the bill. All you see is how embarrassing it is from strangers point of view. Who cares about them. Who do you think you are saying anything like that to them? It actually blows my mind that you would intervene and say anything at all. You don't realize this now because you just don't get it... but that was incredibly rude to do.


Girl, I'm waiting to be wrong enough for someone to actually put me in my place. There's just not place to bed put. I'm usually right. Ont he occassions I am wrong, I like bask in it. It's so refreshing.

You saw what I did at dinner rude, but I saw what she did as rude. I wonder if there's no right approach there and more or less a matter of opinion. And I speak up if it involves me. THAT'S WHO I THINK I AM - someone who speaks up for herself if a situation involves her.

Next time, however, I think I'll flee to the bathroom as soon as I see the waitress coming. Might be the best way to avoid the situation altogether, Maybe I need to work on my invasive skills.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> You come on here acting like you want to change and better yourself but you are just arguing why your right. You don't listen to understand, you listen to reply and argue your case.
> 
> You get that people have feelings right? Is it so hard for you to take them into consideration?
> 
> I don't think this has to do with you being judgmental, your just not a nice person.


Then maybe I should change the title to 
How to be a nicer person?
Either way, I love myself enough to attempt the change, whether it be to be less judgmental or nicer.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Why is me out foxing (manipulating) her any worse than her betraying my confidence? I swear, people int he superior position (smart trumps secret spiller) it's like the former ends up being the "bad" guy. She was in the wrong. I just knew she'd do it so I figured I'd save myself a conversation.
> Maye I'll play the victim card more.


So not only are you manipulating you are also condescending to your so called friend.You must think you are ready clever to trick an unassuming pal into "spilling the beans".
There are worse things in life athan being a gossip


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Then maybe I should change the title to
> How to be a nicer person?
> Either way, I love myself enough to attempt the change, whether it be to be less judgmental or nicer.


Let me speak on behalf of everyone on tam.Nobody has any doubt that you love yourself.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> On this one, you were out of line to say anything at the meal at all. It wasn't your battle. You have to learn to sit back and watch some things unfold. Think MORE before you speak.


In hindsight, I probably should have just fled. I'm not sure I have it in my to keep quiet completely, but I think I could definitely hang out in the bathroom for 15 minutes and play Candy Crush.

Maybe I am smug! Now that I'mr eading these comments I think I DO want to be right. Or at least acknowleged now and then.

1. Be less smug
2. be a nicer human


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Girl, I'm waiting to be wrong enough for someone to actually put me in my place. There's just not place to bed put. I'm usually right. Ont he occassions I am wrong, I like bask in it. It's so refreshing.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Again you don't get it. It's not about being right. 
You said you want to be nice? Simple, then be nice. 

If my mother got diagnosed with lung cancer and I said I told you mom!! I told you you would get cancer if you smoke!! First of all... I would be right. But I would be a terrible person for saying that. If you want to be nice? Then reply nicely. I'm so sorry mom that's terrible! 

You justify your rude behavior by saying your right. Just because your "right" doesn't mean Its right to say that. And you don't seem to understand this concept. 

You seem like a young Defiant entitled kid with no social skills or respect that thinks she is way better than she really is.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

You might think you are never wrong but you could brush up on your spelling in your posts. See not so perfect.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Eagle3 said:


> You might think you are never wrong but you could brush up on your spelling in your posts. See not so perfect.


That has more to do with not caring enough to proof read for TAM than my ability to spell correctly.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> Again you don't get it. It's not about being right.
> You said you want to be nice? Simple, then be nice.
> 
> If my mother got diagnosed with lung cancer and I said I told you mom!! I told you you would get cancer if you smoke!! First of all... I would be right. But I would be a terrible person for saying that. If you want to be nice? Then reply nicely. I'm so sorry mom that's terrible!
> ...


This example I get. Thank you. I can actually relate to it. My husband has terrible teeth (due to smoking and drinking too much pop) so when he had to get 3 root canals as a result of it I didn't say anything along the lines of "I'm sorry, that must be painful." I said something like "Well, you've been saying you want to quit smoking and cut back on pop for years..." Pretty unhelpful now that I think about it. I was right, sure, but saying so didn't accomplish anything.I think I actually went as far as to show him my dentist bill (or lack there of) and how I'm cavity free. Christ, I am a *****.

(Although, I do have good social skills... As my manipulation above reveals, lol. I just don't seem to have any... empathy.)

Now that all of this labeling has been done, what do I DO? I feel like I need to second guess every single thought I think and every single word I say?

I've really withdrawn in terms of who I talk to and have turned into a bit of a mute around certain people, but I wonder if my energy would be better focused learning what to say not sulking in a corner.

Can anyone suggest a book? Or tips?
I've been thinking about counting to a solid 60 before speaking. Or saying the exact opposite of what I think just to see if that yields better results. But I want to stay true to who I am. I LIKE who I am. ***** and all. I just want to tone it down a touch...


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> Again you don't get it. It's not about being right.
> You said you want to be nice? Simple, then be nice.
> 
> If my mother got diagnosed with lung cancer and I said I told you mom!! I told you you would get cancer if you smoke!! First of all... I would be right. But I would be a terrible person for saying that. If you want to be nice? Then reply nicely. I'm so sorry mom that's terrible!
> ...


:iagree:

OP-If the situation truly does involve you, then work on saying things with tact. 

Always remember, not everyone loves a smart ass and no one loves a know it all.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Should I have just said, "Oh, it's OK you told them even though I asked you not to.."? I thought about it, but that would have been a LIE. Maybe I should just lie or "refrain from mentioning" more...
> 
> You made the decision to tell her knowing that she'd say something to the coach. That is on you. No need to point it out to her or lie about it. Instead, notice WHY you feel the need to point it out to her and realize that you're often living in the past and present instead of focusing on the moment. You wanted to share with this friend. Share it with her. If she says something, ok. Why does it matter that you are right? That's something to observe in yourself-not others.
> 
> ...


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> :iagree:
> 
> OP-If the situation truly does involve you, then work on saying things with tact.
> 
> Always remember, not everyone loves a smart ass and no one loves a know it all.


Legit, this is my new mantra.

Kind of reminds me of the "Don't kill the messenger," because they're the ones bringing terrible news to your attention. They aren't responsible for the news. Your one-liner sounds fresher though, .


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Opinion is far from fact even though the fact is often lost in the perspective...


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I don't want to sound mean but this is basic communication. If you want to have good social skills, and be a good communicator than you need to learn how to communicate and what the point is.

Consider Who are you talking to. How you talk to a child will be different than how you talk to your husband which will be different than how you talk to a mentally challenged person etc. if you know the person your talking to is sensitive about a certain topic, don't talk about the topic. This is called being sensitive. Example- I want to get pregnant and I am excited to start trying. My friend is having a really hard time with fertility and it's been really emotional on her. When I talk to her, I have to be careful with what I say because I don't want to hurt her. Saying things like wow it's not that hard. We got pregnant on our first try! That's insensitive.

Step 2. What is your point in communicating? Is it to argue, prove that you are right. Educate someone, comfort someone, make someone laugh, make someone happy etc. if you see someone going through a hard time and want to console them... then console them. 

It's really that easy. Consider who you are talking to. And what you want to convey. 
If your always negative and critical and mean... that reflects who you are as a person. 

You seem to have compassion and empathy toward your mother. Why not other people?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Why is me out foxing (manipulating) her any worse than her betraying my confidence? I swear, people int he superior position (smart trumps secret spiller) it's like the former ends up being the "bad" guy. She was in the wrong. I just knew she'd do it so I figured I'd save myself a conversation.
> Maye I'll play the victim card more.


I'll answer this the same way I do to my kids. Your actions define YOU. Her actions define HER. Just because she violates her agreement to keep quiet does not make it right for you to use her. Get it? If you want to be a better person, then simply be a better person. Don't make it contingent on the situation. 

I'd personally recommend you spend some time doing volunteer work. Stepping outside of your self centered world for a bit would be good for you.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I don't want to sound mean but this is basic communication. If you want to have good social skills, and be a good communicator than you need to learn how to communicate and what the point is.
> 
> Consider Who are you talking to. How you talk to a child will be different than how you talk to your husband which will be different than how you talk to a mentally challenged person etc. if you know the person your talking to is sensitive about a certain topic, don't talk about the topic. This is called being sensitive. Example- I want to get pregnant and I am excited to start trying. My friend is having a really hard time with fertility and it's been really emotional on her. When I talk to her, I have to be careful with what I say because I don't want to hurt her. Saying things like wow it's not that hard. We got pregnant on our first try! That's insensitive.
> 
> ...


I know the situational example you gave was obvious and under those circumstances I do just fine. It seems to be the less obvious situations I'm struggling with. (I'll PM you the next time I encounter one because I can't think of any off the top of my head.)

The point of communication is something I never really thought about until you mentioned it. Trust me, my intention is not to make people feel bad. In fact, I find myself orchestrating situations on purpose just to make someone feel better about themselves... Give them a temporary boost.

I do, however, seem to have a REALLY hard time with idle, pointless or weather chat. I know not every conversation should have a purpose (to educate, console, etc.), but I really struggle with the "It's nice out, eh?" conversation which is why I think I end up turning the conversation into something intense, political, controversial, etc. I just like the stimulation of (what I consider) to be good conversation. I'm aware a lot of people like the idle conversation, but for me it's hard. It's exhausting and it's definitely making basic interactions difficult. I probably come off so hostile with my topics, but what else should I do? Sit there and be mute? Speak only if I have something nice to say? 

I love the **** out of my mother. I have so much respect for her and I think that's why I have empathy for her. It's like I feel she deserves it? There are other people in my life (mainly in-laws) I don't respect all that much and it makes it even harder for me to STFU. I know everyone deserves empathy. It's not some gift I bestow, but I have my own moral code that I operate on and I'll speak up or defend it. Probably too much... Maybe I should make a list of good qualities people around me have so I can stop focusing on the bad, but what if the bad outweigh the good?

The situation concerning dinner rattled me. My FIL's wife passed away not even a year ago and he's been so lonely. Him taking us out for dinner was literally ALL HE HAD to give us and I felt like his daughter **** on him by not accepting it. (He's gone all week, has no hobbies, no friends, no skills, etc. so he's limited as to what he can with/for us apart from sitting on the couch.) I thought she felt guilty for the bill, yes, but it wasn't about HER. It was about her dad and I genuinely felt like he needed some sort of purpose in life and getting us altogether was it, but she dumped all over it. Sure enough, we didn't go out last weekend and I just picture the poor man sitting at home all alone.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> I'll answer this the same way I do to my kids. Your actions define YOU. Her actions define HER. Just because she violates her agreement to keep quiet does not make it right for you to use her. Get it? If you want to be a better person, then simply be a better person. Don't make it contingent on the situation.
> 
> I'd personally recommend you spend some time doing volunteer work. Stepping outside of your self centered world for a bit would be good for you.


I'm highly competitive and I think it's spilling over into every aspect of my life. I also seem to feel like everyone will let me down so I might as well get some use out of it. It's an exhausting way to live, but I don't want to get blind sided by the let downs, either. The situation with my friend would have been MUCH worse for ME if I told the coach myself. I guarantee he would have *****ed at me, made me feel bad or worse - not care at all that I was leaving and that was something I don't think I coud have handled which is why I "used" her to do it. I need to try giving people the benefit of the doubt, but it's hard and I like having control over my emotions.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I'm highly competitive as well, so I understand that. However, being competitive doesn't preempt being compassionate since not everything is a situation that has to be won. As far as your coach, it would have been far more respectable of you to look him in the eye and tell him yourself, then deal with the repercussions on your own. Ducking out of responsibilities to avoid consequences is a cowardly way to live your life. Instead learn to make decisions that follow your values, goals, and desires. This way if someone (e.g. your coach) doesn't like them you can rightfully not care, since you'll know that you are making the right choices for you. And even if you do care, you'll be able to fallback on knowing that you handled things in a mature and direct manner.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I'm pretty sure the reason why dinner didn't happen again wasn't because she tried to pay but because you were rude and disrespectful and spoke up.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

As far as the soccer thing... you should have been an adult and told your coach you won't be returning next season and thank him for this season. That's a normal thing to do.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I'm pretty sure the reason why dinner didn't happen again wasn't because she tried to pay but because you were rude and disrespectful and spoke up.


I think you're playing the blame game because you don't like me with this comment. I doubt I affect them that much. My guess is his dad figured what's the point if 1 daughter is going ot insist on paying and another (in-law) is going to complain.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> As far as the soccer thing... you should have been an adult and told your coach you won't be returning next season and thank him for this season. That's a normal thing to do.


All that would have done is assure I was benched for the rest of the season and I had like 12 weeks to go. You clearly don't play competitive sports? The coach would have written me off and started investing time in another player who would be with him next season. I would expect nothing less. Happens all the time to players who move, have a change in work schedule, etc. Yes, being vocal about my plan would have been polite, but it wouldn't have benefited me. I wanted to finish my season. You don't tell your boss you're planning on leaving in 2 years do you? Same logic applies.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I think you're playing the blame game because you don't like me with this comment. I doubt I affect them that much. My guess is his dad figured what's the point if 1 daughter is going ot insist on paying and another (in-law) is going to complain.




I'm not playing the blame game. My FIL and husband go at it all the when they go out to eat fighting for the check. They love to do it, it makes them both feel good and appreciated. I would never ever speak up, it's not my place and it isn't yours.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> All that would have done is assure I was benched for the rest of the season and I had like 12 weeks to go. You clearly don't play competitive sports? The coach would have written me off and started investing time in another player who would be with him next season. I would expect nothing less. Happens all the time to players who move, have a change in work schedule, etc. Yes, being vocal about my plan would have been polite, but it wouldn't have benefited me. I wanted to finish my season. You don't tell your boss you're planning on leaving in a 2 years do you? Same logic applies.




Your 30 years old what the heck. I hate to break it to you but your not going pro.
So why say anything at all? Just wait until the end of the season. Your logic doesn't make sense at all.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> Your 30 years old what the heck. I hate to break it to you but your not going pro.
> So why say anything at all? Just wait until the end of the season. Your logic doesn't make sense at all.


I never said I thought I was going pro, lol. What's with the hate. I compete with 19 year olds and they ride the bench more than I do, . If you were like me (athletic and competitive) you'd get it so I have to assume you're neither? Playing is important to me. Keeping fit is important to me. It may not be what you do in your spare time, but it's definitely what I do in mine.

And I DID wait until the end of the season to plant the seed with the friend. I only had about 2 games in which they knew, but it was playoffs so I knew they wouldn't bench me.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I never said I thought I was going pro, lol. What's with the hate. I compete with 19 year olds and they ride the bench more than I do, . If you were like me (athletic and competitive) you'd get it so I have to assume you're neither? Playing is important to me. Keeping fit is important to me. It may not be what you do in your spare time, but it's definitely what I do in mine.
> 
> 
> 
> And I DID wait until the end of the season to plant the seed with the friend. I only had about 2 games in which they knew, but it was playoffs so I knew they wouldn't bench me.




I am athletic and super competitive. I played tennis in college on an almost full scholarship. I played basketball, and tennis In high school. Working out and being fit is important To me. I run. I'm training for another half marathon in may actually. My husband is also a runner. He is also super competitive and played soccer, except he gave up soccer and became competitive about school and became a surgeon. Still runs half marathons a couple times a year.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I am athletic and super competitive. I played tennis in college on an almost full scholarship. I played basketball, and tennis In high school. Working out and being fit is important To me. I run. I'm training for another half marathon in may actually. My husband is also a runner. He is also super competitive and played soccer, except he gave up soccer and became competitive about school and became a surgeon. Still runs half marathons a couple times a year.


i'm genuinely surprised you don't get my logic then. Maybe because you didn't play team sports? Tennis is pretty individual in that it's just you against one other and alll you compete with is yourself, but in soccer you have to fight for every minute you're on that field. Especially when on scholarship (which I did for a year, too.) Ask your husband about the ruthlessness of soccer. Maybe he'll shed some light as to why I approached it the way I did. NO hate for tennis. That was my mom's sport and I've beent hinking about taking it up!


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

You just seem very immature to me. Your in your 30s and you talk about playing soccer recreationally like it's this huge thing. But I don't want to be benched!! It's just strange to me. I get that it's good to have hobbies, I have hobbies too. But it seems your hobbies are a larger part of your life... like it's your life and it's weird. 

This is what I know about you... your rude and judgmental. You dont work. Your husband works construction. Your in your 30s and you have no kids. I don't want to be rude and judgmental but to me it seems like your stuck in High school. Do you honestly think it's ok for your husband to be working full time while you stay home forever? Do you think that isn't going to be a struggle? Especially if you have kids? To me, you need to stop focusing on soccer and worry about your future.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> This happened yesterday with a friend:
> 
> I decided a long time ago that I no longer want to play on my current soccer team and made plans to leave them this summer.
> I didn't want to tell the coach or the captain before my current season ended.
> ...


This is a complete d1ck move. Grow up and own your own stuff and stop using people.

Id buy stock in ear plug companies if I had to hear stories like this all the time.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

We use this ....in our fifth grade classes:


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I think I need an attitude adjustment.
> FTR, I _do_ like who I am as a person, but I'm beginning to realize I'm a little difficult to deal with and I think my overall attitude is turning my husband off of me, mainly because he's who I spend the most time with.
> My desire to tweak myself isn't just to please him.
> (That's not my sole mission.)
> ...


Tone it down Cupcake lol. Instead of determining your statistical rightness of 99%, instead determine if you even care about the thing you're right about. Plus voice your positive observations once in a while. No one enjoys Debbie downer's company. I know you see many positives as well.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Cupcake, are you autistic?


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## shrah25 (Mar 22, 2017)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I think I need an attitude adjustment.
> FTR, I _do_ like who I am as a person, but I'm beginning to realize I'm a little difficult to deal with and I think my overall attitude is turning my husband off of me, mainly because he's who I spend the most time with.
> My desire to tweak myself isn't just to please him.
> (That's not my sole mission.)
> ...


Hi @UnicornCupcake

Firstly, can I just say how awesome it is that you want to make some changes here. So many people go on for years and years with this sort of behaviour and never change so the fact that you are open to it is really great.

When it comes to judgement, we can only judge when we hold the energy of judgement within ourselves. That means that you are consciously or subconsciously judging yourself on various levels - even though you may not be thinking that's the case. 

Also, even though the your intent is not harmful in any way at this point, what you're doing at the deeper level is trying to gain significance. We all have a fundamental need to feel significant but how we meet it is very unique, person to person. By being right, you get this need met but there are better ways to meet that need. 

I'm wondering whether you can choose to reframe some of your experiences to one of empathy. Taking an active approach to truly feel what the other person might be going through and what statement would best serve them in the moment, rather than just speaking your voice all the time. If you can take a more of an empathetic view to life, it's amazing how things can change.

The other thing...the fact that you are 'right' is actually a really good thing. It shows that you have a great level of intuition but that intuition is only good if it is channeled to serve others - rather than just being a vehicle for being right...

Remember, helping others is what ultimately leads to lasting happiness so I would encourage you to ensure that your intent is primarily used for this purpose.

Hope that makes sense.

Any questions, please let me know.

Thanks
Sri


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I've been thinking about counting to a solid 60 before speaking. Or saying the exact opposite of what I think just to see if that yields better results.


It isn't just about changing what you say; it's more about changing your thought process. You come across as having an overinflated ego. You can't possibly always be right and, more importantly, you don't always have to say what you're thinking.

Think about changing how you view your role in the world.

To be quite honest, most of your responses in this thread are argumentative, defensive, and downright exhausting to read. I can see why your husband is growing weary.


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> But what if observations or judgments are TRUE? How is it my fault for saying something is true and it just happens to be negative? I'm not trying to be critical... It's just...f actual.
> 
> Also, i really don't care about being right. I'd LOVE to be wrong more.




You remind me of myself 20 yrs ago.
Yes, those things may be true...but it's actually their job to figure that out. People have to make their own mistakes. It's actually harmful to them to solve these things for them. 
Secondly, they need to experience it for themselves from their own perspective in order to truly understand. 
You may be surprised to learn that often you actually aren't right, but no one wants to tell you that. And sometimes you never learn the entire "true" story either. 

Kudos to you for taking this on so honestly.
Listening is the most valuable gift you can give someone.







Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Cupcake, are you autistic?


No. At least I don't think so. I was never tested for autism as I had very little trouble in school. I've don't really have anxiety, either. I do, however, get lost in myself and obsess over certain things. Mental illness does run on the paternal side quite strongly so there's a chance I'm very high functioning?


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

To everyone in general:

I definitely need to learn to retrain my brain. I'm aware of what I should or shouldn't say in theory, but the application of it in my personal life is terrible. I may start a thread asking the lovely people of TAM how to approach upcoming situations, to critique how I handled a past one, etc. 

I'm a very intense person. Quite the flare for the dramatic. I always have been. I never want to turn into one of those empty shell people so I try to feel what I feel without hiding it, toning it down, etc. I can be a real Debbie Downer, yes, but I'm also a Positive Polly. I'm the girl you want around when I'm in the mood. I suppose, being a bit more stable in my reactions couldn't hurt, but like I said I come across so many people who are apart of Prozac Nation and I just don't want to scale myself back too much simply I'm a lot to deal with. I'm passionate about everything. It's exhausting. I need to find a balance.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm not being snarky here, but why did you make this post? Reading through, you've accepted yet challenged every piece of advice given to you. 

I'm also intense, speak my mind, and am bluntly honest. But there's also an understanding that not everyone gives a flip about what I think or say and they're going to do what they want to, regardless. Just because I may be 99% right most of the time does not make them 100% wrong for trying things in their own way. 

Just wondering, are you the sort of person who always interrupts with "I know" when someone is trying to explain something? Even if you do know it, shush and open your ears. 

Learn to master the art of listening.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

To the poster(s) hating on my soccer obsession and criticizing me for not having a job.

I find it quite hypocritical that you're tearing me apart for being (openly) judgmental and you're doing the exact same thing, lol.

Did it occur to you to ASK why I'm like this about soccer? Or did you just take your approach to adult sports and group me in with you?

Now, I DID start a thread about how I think my husband thinks I need to make more money, but I never said I didn't have a job, lol. It's absolute insanity that you would take what I said "I have a low paying job" and accuse me of not having one in the first place. I. HAVE. A. JOB. Again, did you ASK what's going on with my work life, or do you just assume I need to be more like you and focus on my career?

To the poster asking is I had autism: THANK YOU. I don't, but I appreciate someone trying to get more backstory before they respond. PErhaps the history of mental illness I shared with make people more empathetic towards me. So thank you again for opening that door.

I'll clarify:

I'm obsessed with soccer because it's a huge part of my identity. I'm also good at it. Very good. And I want to get better. Much better. So I obsess over it. It may be silly to you, but you don't know anything about me or my goals. I'm a very fit 30 year old female with no children. I only have a few years left in which I get to focus on this sport 100%. It's a luxury. Not many women have this luxury. They have children to take care of. I imagine there are quite a few women on here who WISH they had the time and energy to devote to something the way I do soccer. It's definitely reminiscent of my youth and so what? I'm lucky to be like this right now. Why would I want to wear only adult hats if I don't HAVE to? That time will come soon enough, lol. (I have no intention of playing competitively when we have children.)

Since the time of my last thread about my job, I've gone back to school. Did you ASK me what I'm doing concerning my future or did you just assume I'm not focusing on it. AND I STILL WORK. Things were getting unstable at work (through no fault of my own - it's about the contract) so I decided to go to school part-time so I'd have the qualifications to get a better job sooner rather than later. Also, I don't WANT to be a ball-busting career woman. I'm content in my entry level position (as long as it's stable). There's always a lot of hate towards women who either work part-time, don't work at all, or work low-level positions from women who do the opposite whereas women like "me" don't CARE what you do for work, lol. There's always going to be a divide concerning this issue, I think.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> To the poster(s) hating on my soccer obsession and criticizing me for not having a job.
> 
> I find it quite hypocritical that you're tearing me apart for being (openly) judgmental and you're doing the exact same thing, lol.
> 
> ...


You mentioned counting to a solid sixty before speaking.
May I suggest you count to sixty and then keep your mouth shut.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

UnicornCupcake said:


> To everyone in general:
> 
> I definitely need to learn to retrain my brain. I'm aware of what I should or shouldn't say in theory, but the application of it in my personal life is terrible. I may start a thread asking the lovely people of TAM how to approach upcoming situations, to critique how I handled a past one, etc.
> 
> I'm a very intense person. Quite the flare for the dramatic. I always have been. I never want to turn into one of those empty shell people so I try to feel what I feel without hiding it, toning it down, etc. I can be a real Debbie Downer, yes, but I'm also a Positive Polly. I'm the girl you want around when I'm in the mood. I suppose, being a bit more stable in my reactions couldn't hurt, but like I said I come across so many people who are apart of Prozac Nation and I just don't want to scale myself back too much simply I'm a lot to deal with. I'm passionate about everything. It's exhausting. I need to find a balance.


This likely explains why you love soccer (and are good at it). It's your outlet for that intense energy. I think it's great to put your energy and focus into something so positive in your life. 

And I'd highly recommend The Power of Now, the book I mentioned. It's all about retraining the brain.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I'm a very intense person. Quite the flare for the dramatic. I always have been. I never want to turn into one of those empty shell people so I try to feel what I feel without hiding it, toning it down, etc. I can be a real Debbie Downer, yes, but I'm also a Positive Polly. I'm the girl you want around when I'm in the mood. I suppose, being a bit more stable in my reactions couldn't hurt, but like I said I come across so many people who are apart of Prozac Nation and I just don't want to scale myself back too much simply I'm a lot to deal with. I'm passionate about everything. It's exhausting. I need to find a balance.


I used to come across a lot more judgy and arrogant than I do now but I'm still a little bit preachy lol. I think the topic you're asking about ( being opinionated ) is pretty common. The trick that has worked for me IRL has been to think about how much I actually care about a particular idea or point and to think about the likely hood that what I say will change the other person's mind about it. And then I may be blunt and vehemently disagree or I may just see something from a different perspective but either way I attempt to respectfully disagree. And often there are common points of agreement that we ignore because we're too busy debating the part we disagree on.

See preachy still .


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> To everyone in general:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Yes me too. I focused my energy on myself instead of everyone else. It's totally possible to be yourself and achieve balance. You will get there. No doubt about it


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> To the poster(s) hating on my soccer obsession and criticizing me for not having a job.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Now you know what it feels like to be judged. It seems like you like to call people out of their **** but you don't want it done to you. 

I stand by what I said about soccer. Sorry if that offends you.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I read your thread and wondered how, in action, one could allow space to expect the unexpected, not predict outcomes, and discover there are various ways to approach something. And my suggestion would be to participate in Improv theatre. It could challenge you to consider and expand your reactions, channel intensity, learn to flow with the unexpected ...and allow space for that to occur. Put it into action.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> Now you know what it feels like to be judged. It seems like you like to call people out of their **** but you don't want it done to you.
> 
> I stand by what I said about soccer. Sorry if that offends you.


It doesn't offend me at all. I never said I was offended. I just pointed out the irony in it. You opinion makes me feel privileged. It's a further reminder that I'm very lucky to be able to devote myself to something like this.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

heartsbeating said:


> I read your thread and wondered how, in action, one could allow space to expect the unexpected, not predict outcomes, and discover there are various ways to approach something. And my suggestion would be to participate in Improv theatre. It could challenge you to consider and expand your reactions, channel intensity, learn to flow with the unexpected ...and allow space for that to occur. Put it into action.


That's an interesting approach. I have no interest in theater, though. I'd be interested in another activity that channeled the same thing if you have an other suggestions, although I think my reaction time is quite cat-like given all the sports I play.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Thundarr said:


> I used to come across a lot more judgy and arrogant than I do now but I'm still a little bit preachy lol. I think the topic you're asking about ( being opinionated ) is pretty common. The trick that has worked for me IRL has been to think about how much I actually care about a particular idea or point and to think about the likely hood that what I say will change the other person's mind about it. And then I may be blunt and vehemently disagree or I may just see something from a different perspective but either way I attempt to respectfully disagree. And often there are common points of agreement that we ignore because we're too busy debating the part we disagree on.
> 
> See preachy still .


My problem is I care about everything, lol. I've got to learn to pick which hill to die on because I seem to be very passionate about a lot of things. I need to organize some type of checklist I can plow through mentally quickly enough to determine if it's actually worth caring or arguing or getting bent out of shape about.

You're the perfect amount of preachy, IMO, . Still true to yourself, but your response didn't annoy me, lol.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Jessica38 said:


> This likely explains why you love soccer (and are good at it). It's your outlet for that intense energy. I think it's great to put your energy and focus into something so positive in your life.
> 
> And I'd highly recommend The Power of Now, the book I mentioned. It's all about retraining the brain.


I listen to Audio Books like crazy so I'll definitely grab this one. Thank you, .

And yes! That's the way I see it. Regardless of your life status, priorities, etc. it's good to be passionate about SOMETHING. Sports. Books. Dinosaurs (I'm watching Friends, lol) otherwise why are you even living?


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> You mentioned counting to a solid sixty before speaking.
> May I suggest you count to sixty and then keep your mouth shut.


Never gonna happen, lol. But once again you pull through with some excellent advice.


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> My problem is I care about everything, lol. I've got to learn to pick which hill to die on because I seem to be very passionate about a lot of things. I need to organize some type of checklist I can plow through mentally quickly enough to determine if it's actually worth caring or arguing or getting bent out of shape about.
> 
> You're the perfect amount of preachy, IMO, . Still true to yourself, but your response didn't annoy me, lol.




Sure. Here's a specific list of things it's okay to judge people about:
Actions related to LAWS where you live.
As in, stealing, killing, those things.
If you live in society, you AGREE to abide by those. Or face consequences.
Everything else is none of your business.

No one agreed to abide by your opinions or views on anything else. And they aren't obligated to your consequences, just the ones they agree to, by even being here!

They can CHOOSE to try and get along with you. But if it ain't worth it, they won't.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

*UPDATE*

Despite some of the harsh words I received, I also read a lot of productive comments and I tried my very best to act on all of the advice this weekend. It went well and I don't feel a build up of hate, hostility and other things I usually feel after spending a day with my in-laws.

First of all, my husband's sister (the same one who made a stink over the bill) decided not to show up for Easter dinner. YUP. EASTER DINNER. She went to her husband's family's house instead even though everyone agreed today (Sunday) was to be their day. I thought this was extremely rude, but I didn't say anything. I felt so bad for my FIL, too. My husband was clearly upset, but all he said was "I'm going to talk to her..." He won't. Normally, I'd TELL him that he won't actually have a conversation with her, but I just STFU. What's the point in pointing out what his sister did was rude and how no one will actually confront her about her behaviour? None. It won't accomplish anything other than bring negative attention to me for talking about how what she did was rude and no one will do anything about it. She looks like the bad person, not me.

I may have posted before about how his other sister killed her dog because she "couldn't afford to take her to the vet" and I told my husband that if she gets another pet (she's killed and re-homed others) I was going to call the police on her. This was a HUGE source of conflict between us. He was not on my side. All he said was what she does with her animals is her business. I don't support that. Anyway, she got a puppy. But I didn't say anything. Her puppy was humping my dog like crazy so I asked when she planned to get him fixed. She's not. She's going to breed him. Again, I didn't say anything. What's the point? We've had this conversation before. My mother and a few other people I told about her other dog (the one that died due to starvation) have already told me that if I see anything fishy to tell them and they'll call the police so I won't have to. I can't, however, tell her she doesn't have the right to breed her dog. I don't agree with it, but there's nothing I can do about it. I also don't have the right to demand she get her dog fixed, even if she didn't plan to breed him. What I can do about it, however, is not visit them for long periods of time with the true excuse that I don't want her dog humping my dog. (My dog was very annoyed by the end of the day and I refuse to leave her at home for long periods of time.)

I felt like I did a lot of tongue biting today. It was hard because the dog situation really conflicts with my morals. I'm pro active in cruelty free everything and my dog is literally my baby. BUT I can't control what other people do. I can't even control how they respond to what other people do. I feel lighter and there's no tension between my husband and I (even though there usually is after a visit) so I'm going to consider this day a success. One step at a time...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> *UPDATE*
> 
> Despite some of the harsh words I received, I also read a lot of productive comments and I tried my very best to act on all of the advice this weekend. It went well and I don't feel a build up of hate, hostility and other things I usually feel after spending a day with my in-laws.
> 
> ...


Well done on holding your tongue today,it can't have been easy.I agree with you about the dog,your sil should be banned from keeping animals and you should report her to both the cops and to whichever animal welfare groups that are active in your area.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Lol yea you did bite your tongue today. For what it's worth, family get togethers are a good time to bite your tongue like hell. SIL going to her family's thing and not being there would not have been an issue for me because that's between her and FIL but I'm not sure I could have been silent about the puppy. We are great pet owners now but we have not always been great pet owners. I hope your SIL feels a lot of guilt for that ( like I do ) and will be better.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Good work! Letting go is very liberating. 

Print this out and put it on your bathroom mirror.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Biting your tongue, you've gone the other extreme.. which may be helpful as the first step to finding a balance between the two reactions. You gave approaching things differently a try. Good stuff!


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

Dang. Being Judgmental! And here I thought it was my best character trait!! Guess I'll take that off my resume.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Then he sulked all day and was mad that we had to eat out.
> When I tried to point out that I knew it was going to happen and I wish had prepared dinner he was not impressed.


Why did you feel the need to point it out? 

I'm serious. This is probably a big part of your problem. Do you see that it contributed to his unhappiness?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I think you're playing the blame game because you don't like me with this comment. I doubt I affect them that much. My guess is his dad figured what's the point if 1 daughter is going ot insist on paying and another (in-law) is going to complain.


You are uncomfortable to be around. You are painful to be around. I'm pretty sure they all EXPECT you to do something that causes at least one of them pain. Do _you _look forward to doing things that make you upset? No? Then why should they? I'm not saying you're the reason they didn't meet that day, but if you really want to change you have to start looking at what it feels like to be the other person. Maybe you could discuss it to yourself out loud. Or better yet, ask your husband to help you work it out, since he's the one most unhappy. Ask him to role play with you on situations and ask him to help you see how it felt to be on the receiving end of your observations.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Interesting update:

The conversation I had in which I was apparently the bad one for getting my friend to say what I didn't want to say has come to a head:
The entire team folded, everyone quit and the coach slept with a player. 
I didn't know these exact things would happen, no, but I DID know the team was falling apart. That's why I wanted out. I also knew having a conversation wouldn't solve anything and that's why I "tricked" my friend into letting the team know I was out.
No regrets, I would have hated to be stuck in that team situation.
(There's apparently a restraining order now because the coach was seeing a player's mother before he slept with another so it's a big mess.)
I now have THEM asking ME if I have any room on my team... Weird how that turned out.
I didn't play the I Told You So card, either.
I gave them my coach's contact and told them to start talking to him NOW because spaces fill up fast.
I was right, but whatever.
Who cares.
No one likes the person who's always right and no wants to give credit to that person.
So... I make my own credit, lol.
I have a team to play on (a team I really like) and they don't.

In the most recent attempt to go out for dinner (yes, on the same present my FIL pay) last weekend ended in blows.
His one sister punched in other sister... IN THE RESTAURANT.
Why?
Because of all the issues I kept talking about on here... All of the passive aggressive and toxic behaviour.
I just sat back and shut up.
Now, his father is moving out of the city and the sisters are no longer in communication.
Apparently, I'ma big hero in teh eyes of my FIL and husband.
I have no idea why, but they were all full of praise.
All I did was sit there like a drunken mute.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

I'm just so exhausted about the entire situation. To the point I'm indifferent which I know is not good


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's only so much you can do with toxic people. And truly, you're almost always better off just not engaging with them, even when you can say you were 'right' about something. Who cares? Certainly not the people you're showing up. So, maybe you are learning.


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