# The most unsupportive person = my husband!



## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

After 6 years of putting my whole life and career on hold for our children, I am ready to enter the workforce once again. As it turns out, I am in consideration for a few positions that have me making more $ than DH.

Everyone in my life is cheering me on, over joyed for this new opportunity...except my DH! 

He is obviously jealous. He was supportive of me pursuing this position until I told him the pay scale. Since the moment I mentioned it he has been in a sour mood. And his little comments here and there "Oh, we'll you will be paid on the lower end of that range"- Yes, thanks *sshole for pointing that out.

When I asked him if he though I could do it, he said "No, honestly I don't think so". BTW I am SURE I can do this. It's easy work in my field. Everyone agrees I can do it. He agreed I could do it UNTIL I mentioned the pay, which is when he switched into negative mode.

I have asked him probably 4 or 5 times if he is okay with it, with helping , with me possibly making more money. Each time he has said "yes, yes, yes, I'm fine with it, I'm just moody b/c we are broke, it's just coincidence that my moodiness is at the same time as your job search".

What gives? I have been so supportive of all his stupid business ideas, his career, everything. I gave up 6 years of my life for this family! BTW I am GLAD I did it, and not resentful of it. I am resentful of him not being supportive of this transition. 

How can HE be the only person in my life that's not happy for me?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It's a blow to is ego and he's lashing out. To me the solution if that's the case if for him to go out and find a new job that pays more than the one you're getting. Trying to hold you back hurts the whole family.


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

MaritimeGuy said:


> It's a blow to is ego and he's lashing out. To me the solution if that's the case if for him to go out and find a new job that pays more than the one you're getting. Trying to hold you back hurts the whole family.


For sure! What do I do in the meantime? Ignore it? Keep bringing it up till he confesses?

We live in a small crappy town with very limited jobs. It could be years before he finds something better. What if he never does? Do I wait around until he finds a way to get back at me by cheating, leaving, more grouchiness. etc.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Ego sucks. I would be proud for my wife to out-earn me. It would mean we could afford nicer things than we currently have. 

Perhaps subtly turning it around on him would help?

"Honey, it appears that you may be bothered by my new income. Since there are limited opportunities here, I would be willing to move/commute/other so that you can find a position with a salary in line with what you are worth."

Doing something like that may placate his ego and let him know that you are concerned for his feelings (as silly as they may be). Put the onus on him to come to terms with the new normal.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Congratulations on the job, most of the time spouses are both equally happy with this news. It seems like there's not that mutual support between the both of you.

You seem to refer to him with much disrespect in your first post, "his stupid ideas" "*sshole" 

How is or was your relationship prior to this? Is it possible you both are angry and resented at each other and now he feels this will be thrown in his face. You also mentioned that you asked him if he thinks you can do it, you can or you not have been offered the job.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Why are you asking if he's okay with it? That's you turning your good news into a problem.


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Why are you asking if he's okay with it? That's you turning your good news into a problem.


I asked because he was making a sour puss face
It was obvious! He keeps denying it though...


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

mablenc said:


> Congratulations on the job, most of the time spouses are both equally happy with this news. It seems like there's not that mutual support between the both of you.
> 
> You seem to refer to him with much disrespect in your first post, "his stupid ideas" "*sshole"
> 
> How is or was your relationship prior to this? Is it possible you both are angry and resented at each other and now he feels this will be thrown in his face. You also mentioned that you asked him if he thinks you can do it, you can or you not have been offered the job.


Well, this has been brewing for nearly a week now, so I am very pissed off! And I feel very disrespected by his attitude, which is why I'm not showing much back. And he had many bonehead ideas that I whole heartedly supported. I'm just not getting it back!

Our relationship was bad...for a long time. No cheating or beating, just bad communication, lack of affection, etc. We are so much better now! We were great! until this new competitive mood of his. I hope it passes.

And he was totally 100% supportive..until I told him how much I might get. That's when it all changed! And he won't own up to it!


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

mablenc said:


> Congratulations on the job, most of the time spouses are both equally happy with this news. It seems like there's not that mutual support between the both of you.
> 
> You seem to refer to him with much disrespect in your first post, "his stupid ideas" "*sshole"
> 
> How is or was your relationship prior to this? Is it possible you both are angry and resented at each other and now he feels this will be thrown in his face. You also mentioned that you asked him if he thinks you can do it, you can or you not have been offered the job.


I have to agree with Mablenc on this one.

I think his response is AWFUL. He should be supportive and proud for you. 

I'm just wondering if there are different dynamics going on. Why are you in a "small dead end town"? Was it his choice or yours? Could he be feeling like he's sacrificed in his career to support the family and it feels like you're throwing this in his face by anything you've said or done?

I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, but without seeing the full picture, I'm just trying to figure out the missing parts of the puzzle.

PS my wife makes almost double what I make (I'm in a commissioned job that hasn't seen commission in almost 5 years, plus I get almost $1000/month taken out in child support after that). And I'm SO THANKFUL she does.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Be happy for yourself, he'll get over it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

mablenc said:


> Congratulations on the job, most of the time spouses are both equally happy with this news. It seems like there's not that mutual support between the both of you.
> 
> You seem to refer to him with much disrespect in your first post, "his stupid ideas" "*sshole"
> 
> How is or was your relationship prior to this? Is it possible you both are angry and resented at each other and now he feels this will be thrown in his face. You also mentioned that you asked him if he thinks you can do it, you can or you not have been offered the job.


I see a lot in this post that makes me question the respect she has for her husband as well. I also see a lot of resentment about the time given up for the children even though she says she doesn't.

OP, is it possible that there are big respect issues that go BOTH ways here, and you are using this job as a way to rationalize your disrespect for your husband?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

JuliaP said:


> For sure! What do I do in the meantime? Ignore it? Keep bringing it up till he confesses?


I think you should address it with him. Tell him you're excited about this new job opportunity but you're hurt by the fact he isn't being more supportive. Ask him outright if it's about the money. Hopefully by bringing it out into the open you can discuss his fears and assuage them.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

He's probably got all kinds of crazy stuff in his head. You making more $ is a blow, and you are about to need him less in the 'providing' area of the relationship. Maybe he worries you'll bail on him. 

Either way, talk to him about it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

JuliaP said:


> For sure! What do I do in the meantime? Ignore it? Keep bringing it up till he confesses?
> 
> We live in a small crappy town with very limited jobs. It could be years before he finds something better. What if he never does? Do I wait around until he finds a way to get back at me by cheating, leaving, more grouchiness. etc.


No you dont wait around, you take that awesome job and he can learn to grow up.  I'm sure he will be enjoying that extra money once it starts coming in.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Do what's best for you and your family. He WILL get over it... and if he doesn't, well that's his monkey. He can sulk and be miserable while you enjoy the fruits of your labor in that fattened up savings account.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

JuliaP, this is what I got from reading your post:

1. Your husband is an a-hole and has stupid ideas. This is just very nasty to say about one's spouse...wow.
2. You make more money than your husband and your kicking him in the balls about it and then asking him to support you but you probably kicked him too hard and he's whimpering...but you're taking it as being unsupportive.
3. You gave up 6 years of your life to care for your family and kids so you were unhappy all those times.
4. You and your husband chose to live in a "small crappy town," so your own decisions make you unhappy.

I think the problem is you. You're very negative.


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> I see a lot in this post that makes me question the respect she has for her husband as well. I also see a lot of resentment about the time given up for the children even though she says she doesn't.
> 
> OP, is it possible that there are big respect issues that go BOTH ways here, and you are using this job as a way to rationalize your disrespect for your husband?


No- I do respect him... I was very heated when I first posted that! 

I am glad I stayed home with the kids, but it also drove me crazy. I was not a SAHM- I was a WAHM, meaning I still had a 30 hour a week job I did from home while the kids were in the room. I had a boss yelling in one ear, and the kids yelling in the room. And no option to leave. If I missed one day of work, we can't pay a bill. We live paycheck to paycheck.

It was the most stressful time of my life! It wasn't the kids fault, or DH fault, but we could not afford child care, and I HAD to work to make ends meet. And my job wasn't some bs data entry or survey filling gig. If I sound like I resent it, its not so much resentment, as much as desperation to change.

This new job would mean I could afford childcare, and bring home $.


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

Fallen Leaf said:


> JuliaP, this is what I got from reading your post:
> 
> 1. Your husband is an a-hole and has stupid ideas. This is just very nasty to say about one's spouse...wow.
> 2. You make more money than your husband and your kicking him in the balls about it and then asking him to support you but you probably kicked him too hard and he's whimpering...but you're taking it as being unsupportive.
> ...


1. You or your spouse is NEVER an ***hole? Wow! Lucky you. I'm not so lucky, mine some times is.

2. How did I kick my h in the balls??? I never gloated, bragged, proclaimed I was making more- I simply noticed his puss face and responded to that ( IN a kind respectful manner, asking gently if it bothered him because I noticed he was upset, etc, etc,)

3. It was stressful because I was still working- working a 30 work week WHILE watching the kids. I had to do it. When you have kids of your own, you will understand that their needs and happiness are greater than your own. Excuse me I wasn't leaping for joy every second of the day. Boss yelling in one ear, kids yelling in another. 

4.We both decided to move here to be closer to family. Neither of us was the main decider and we both dislike it.


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> He's probably got all kinds of crazy stuff in his head. You making more $ is a blow, and you are about to need him less in the 'providing' area of the relationship. Maybe he worries you'll bail on him.
> 
> Either way, talk to him about it.


yes... the provider thing I think might be it.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

Why are you so angry? I just sense that something else is bothering you. 

1. No, my husband is never that because if he was, I wouldn't have married him and if he ever came close to that, I'd let him know what he was becoming and we'd talk about it so that it doesn't even get to the point of calling him that. And, I would never call him that behind his back either. It's totally a reflection of yourself and your choices. Has very little to do with luck.

2. Your attitude about everything. If you spoke the way you come across in your posts, I'd definitely not congratulate you. In fact, I'd keep my mouth shut and make you think I was not happy about it.

3. You said it yourself here: "I gave up 6 years of my life for this family!" What exactly did you mean by that if you also worked part-time and took care of your kids? You gave up nothing. You chose to do that. Even if you were a SAHM, it would be a choice you made. Don't play victim.

I do have kids and I worked full-time (+ overtime some days) and took care of our kids too while my husband was in school full-time and worked part-time. We had very little money and zero help from family so had to use a babysitter we would prefer not to have used but it was all we could afford. We did what we could with what we had and appreciated any help we got, including the babysitter for all that she did to help us (her situation wasn't so good either). This has taught us perseverance, to help each other, respect each other, and work together to get to a better place. Of course we had difficult times and frustration but we never let it get to the point of calling each other names. It's called communication.

4. So you both decided to move closer to family but neither of you were the main decider? Then who decided it for you? And, why are you upset at your husband over this? And if you're not, why did you even bring it up? What else is bothering you?

Seriously, you are uptight about something. It's like you need your husband or someone to confirm your importance and better-pay-than-his new job. It's like a status thing for you. Why can't you just say to your husband, "I'm glad that I am now able to make some money and we can begin to pay for daycare and save for a better home. I don't care who makes more, honey. All that matters is that we can get out of this hell-hole (if it is) we're in and give our kids a better life. Maybe we can even start to put money away for our retirement once things settle down."


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

JuliaP said:


> For sure! What do I do in the meantime? Ignore it? Keep bringing it up till he confesses?
> 
> We live in a small crappy town with very limited jobs. It could be years before he finds something better. What if he never does? Do I wait around until he finds a way to get back at me by cheating, leaving, more grouchiness. etc.


OP, if you earning more money than him would lead to that, it really doesn't say much about him as a person... Frankly, I wouldn't bring the matter up again. I would just look forward to starting work again. 

Remember, this is his issue, not yours, and he has to find a way to deal with it.


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

Fallen Leaf said:


> Why are you so angry? I just sense that something else is bothering you.
> 
> 1. No, my husband is never that because if he was, I wouldn't have married him and if he ever came close to that, I'd let him know what he was becoming and we'd talk about it so that it doesn't even get to the point of calling him that. And, I would never call him that behind his back either. It's totally a reflection of yourself and your choices. Has very little to do with luck.
> 
> ...


OMG you are so wise! I never realized I was angry! Thank you. :lol:


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> OP, if you earning more money than him would lead to that, it really doesn't say much about him as a person... Frankly, I wouldn't bring the matter up again. I would just look forward to starting work again.
> 
> Remember, this is his issue, not yours, and he has to find a way to deal with it.


yes... I will do this. If he wants to be gloomy, what can I do about it? I already spent all weekend trying to cheer him up and it didn't work.

And yes, I am super excited to get back to work force! woo hoooo!


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Your husband is insecure and is acting like a baby, but in his defense, there are a lot of women who lose attraction for a man if he is no longer the breadwinner, and he's probably worried this will happen to him.

*However, this sounds like a LOT of consternation from both of you over a job you don't even have yet!!!* Don't count your chickens before they've even hatched. 

I remember years ago the TV show "Martin" had an episode that was very similar to this. Martin's wife Gina started making more money than him at her new job, and while he was fine on the outside, on the inside it was driving him crazy. But later he figured out that he works less hours than her, and when he did the math, he was actually making more money per hour than she was, so he was suddenly OK with it. Same thing could happen here.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

JuliaP said:


> OMG you are so wise! I never realized I was angry! Thank you. :lol:


I'm so sorry you missed the point. I guess you'll just have to dwell in your own pity. Feel so sorry for your dear husband. He deserves better.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

From the title of your thread... I was expecting a horrific story to unfold. 

No, he's not the most un-supportive husband. He sounds perfectly normal. Like, a male even. With an ego. Which is in your hands, at the moment, since you will be making more money than him. 

Maybe he isn't reacting the way you would like, give it some time.

(I am the wifey breadwinner. Always have been. By a large margin)

The big thing I wanted to ask which turned into a small thing was that you said he said something about being upset at the moment. Big. Red. Flag. 

You missed the chance to be compassionate. That could be stirring around in his brain right now. It's hard to happy for someone else when maybe he needed you to listen to him, and you didn't.

Good luck.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I totally get that traditionally men have supported their families, and some might feel threatened if they think this role is being taken away from them. However, the reality is that women joined the work force many years ago, now, and cannot be paid lower salaries / accept lower income jobs in order to keep the male ego intact... I don't believe that any woman should have to feel guilty or in anyway apologetic about earning a higher salary than her partner. This is tantamount to telling her that her education / abilities are inferior to his...

Gloating about it would be an entirely different matter altogether, but it doesn't sound to me as though the OP is doing that - nor does it sound as though she's rubbing her H's nose in it, either. 

Returning to work after a lengthy absence can be a rather daunting prospect, and the OP has a right, IMO, to expect her H's encouragement and support right now.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Hows things in other areas of your marriage besides the job/money issue? Is he not supportive in other things as well, or is it just this?


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

Update!

DH came home yesterday singing a different tune. He was calm, and walked right in and hugged me. He said he is happy for me and wants me to 'go for it' and do what makes me happy. He was genuine in his words, I could see it in his face. He said he is proud of me, and thinks I am a great mom, and he even said he appreciates me for taking 6 years to work from home to be with our kids.

And he said he thinks I'll be great at the new job!

A total change! Maybe he spoke to someone at work, or just got over his ego. Maybe he spoke to his mom ( a career woman) and she calmed him down...whatever it was, my supportive caring DH is back!!

Thanks for all who replied- I really appreciate all your support and opinions


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

JuliaP said:


> Update!
> 
> DH came home yesterday singing a different tune. He was calm, and walked right in and hugged me. He said he is happy for me and wants me to 'go for it' and do what makes me happy. He was genuine in his words, I could see it in his face. He said he is proud of me, and thinks I am a great mom, and he even said he appreciates me for taking 6 years to work from home to be with our kids.
> 
> ...


Told you he would get over it, I am glad he did it soon.

Good luck with you new job.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

JuliaP said:


> Update!
> 
> DH came home yesterday singing a different tune. He was calm, and walked right in and hugged me. He said he is happy for me and wants me to 'go for it' and do what makes me happy. He was genuine in his words, I could see it in his face. He said he is proud of me, and thinks I am a great mom, and he even said he appreciates me for taking 6 years to work from home to be with our kids.
> 
> ...


That's great, Julia! Obviously it was just something he's managed to work through

I hope your new career goes well and that you and your DH enjoy the extra income.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I hope your new career goes well and that you and your DH enjoy the extra income.


I second that. Congrats to you and your family...hubby just needed a little time.


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