# Husband and I separated



## Hopeful_wife (Nov 6, 2009)

So three days ago my husband said he wasn't sure if he still loved me and wanted to move out so we can try to figure things out. He told me that we've both changed and wanted to give us a chance to get back to the way things were when we first met. I guess we got into that marital lull, and he said he'd been unhappy for months, but because he's one of those people that doesn't talk about feelings, he never said anything until it was too late. He doesn't want to tell our parents, and he doesn't want to sign a lease or do anything permanent. 

He still wants to see me, wants to go on dates, etc. He basically said he wants to start over. He moved out because he said he needs to have space and that I need to figure out who I am as well. I'm one of those homebodies that usually just hangs out with my family. I'm not much of a partier and don't really have any hobbies, and he said that really bothered him because he wanted me to have a life outside of the house too, and this would force me into doing other things in order to occupy my time. 

He's still been very caring and not mean to me about anything, and he's been very understanding about how I've been feeling too. He knows he's hurting me and he's apologized about it. He won't tell me he loves me right now though. I think that hurts most of all, but at the same time I don't want him to say it unless he means it.

We have a child, and he said he would still come over so we can pick him up from school, he's still going to go to all of his sports events, cubscouts, etc. He plans on coming over for dinner a lot, holidays, things like that, but he just wants to live apart for a while. He said that he doesn't want to live separate lives completely, that he'd tell me what he was doing and I could tell him what I am up to. He did take his ring off because he said he didn't want to be reminded of what we used to have and the fact that we don't have it anymore. However, he didn't want me to remove my rings because he thought that would mean that I thought it was over.

I guess my question is, has anyone else been through something like this? If so, what happened? Did you make it?


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## endymion (Oct 1, 2009)

You'll find a lot of people on here with similar stories, so don't worry, you're definitely not alone! Your situation sounds like mine, but reversed - my wife left me. 

But I have come to realise in the two months she's been gone that I also didn't do much outside the house. I had found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and had become complacent in assuming she wanted the same thing; just a quiet life together.

Since she's been gone she's gone out with friends a lot more, she taken up some classes, she is remembering the life she used to have before we were together (it's been 10 years.) I have gotten into shape, eating better, going out being social as much as I can. 

And that has been a positive. We see each other once a week now, and we've never been more honest with each other, because we are more aware of who we are and what we want. I'm not sure where that will lead us in the future, but without that honest communication we would have been doomed anyway.

The fact that your H isn't wanting to tell people yet, or do anything permanent is a good sign. I would take that to mean that he still feels there is hope for you.

So take this time, work out what YOU want in life (and, if possible, try not to think in terms of you as a couple - just focus completely on what YOU want for yourself), and stay honest and open.

Posting here can be a big help on the really awful days too! The gang here are amazing, and the support is awesome.

Good luck.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

"He did take his ring off because he said he didn't want to be reminded of what we used to have and the fact that we don't have it anymore. However, he didn't want me to remove my rings because he thought that would mean that I thought it was over."

WTF!!! Something smells VERY fishy. If there isn't another woman involved, then this sounds like he's trying to control you. If you decide to go along with everything he says/suggests, then you might as well have a seat in the back of the bus because he's driving.


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## sandyf (Apr 14, 2009)

I too thought things sounded "fixable" until that last part about him not wanting you to take off your ring. It would have been different if he has said you can take yours off or keep wearing it if you want. But, for him to tell you to keep wearing it? Strange.

Please let us know how things are going. For the most part it sounds like he is just feeling bored and in a rut and sees no fun and excitement in your lives any more. It is too bad that he didn't feel comfortable telling you this sooner. Sounds like you all need to work on your communication.

My thoughts are with you.

Sandy


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## Hopeful_wife (Nov 6, 2009)

He never told me that I had to keep wearing it. He told me to do what I want, but he also told me how he would feel if I took them off. I never wanted to take them off in the first place, so I haven't. And he's never been controlling of me at all, so that's not an issue. I do believe that the spark has faded and we need to rekindle that. He told me that I'm still a great mother and wife, but that we aren't friends anymore and he wants that back. I've been confused through all of this, but some of the things that I've realized is that he's really pushing me to become my own person because he's sad that I let my whole world revolve around him and our son, which I agree with. I never went out, barely had friends, and just wanted to hang around the house all the time. If anything, instead of being controlling, he's trying to get me to empower myself and be my own person, rather than JUST his wife, or JUST a mother. Does that make sense?


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## sandyf (Apr 14, 2009)

That helps clear up the thing about the ring. The rest of it I was clear on from your first post.

So, what are your interests? What would you like to do - just you, not thinking about something your family would like to do with you? I like photography and I took many photography classes. I also like Geocaching, but that one was harder. It is not fun to do alone and the family was not that into it, so I didn't do that much. I like to scrapbook, which is something you could do both at home, or with a group of scrappers. I know the local scrapbook store here has table set up in the store where people can scrap and they will have get togethers where people will scrap together. What interests you?


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Shouldn't YOU get to decide what you want YOUR life to be? Why is HE deciding you need to expand your horizons?

"he also told me how he would feel if I took them off" - Did you tell him how YOU would feel if he stopped wearing his?

The reason he gave for not wearing the ring is very lame.


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## Hopeful_wife (Nov 6, 2009)

D8zed, I see what you're saying, but at the same time you or anyone else doesn't know the entire story. I can only post so much. Yes, I did tell him how I felt but I also understand his reasonings and support his decision. He knows me, sometimes better than I know myself. I do need to get out and do things as well, and not spend all my time at home. So even though you feel that he's telling me what to do, he's not.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with D8zd and the ring issue...not so much yours but his! It is a lame excuse and sounds like he wants to play the field and keep the family intact. Maybe he wants to make sure you are worth losing. That is blunt-sorry if I offend. It's smells VERY fishy!

Everything else that you posted sounds terrific. He want to separate to find himself and encourage you to do the same. 

I would suggest that you take him up on his offer. Get out...even if you don't feel like it. Exercise, library club, bamboo growing interest, yoyo swingers, whatever (ok...I was being sillly). 

He still seems to want the marriage...show him how attractive you can be. Spice up your life and his also!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Sorry but you sound really passive in this scenario. Why is leaving the answer ? Why is it too late? He doesn't sound sad - he sounds very decisive. I'd insist on some MC if he still wants in the marriage - he doesn't have to leave to do any of the things he has said and you can have your own life with him there. There is no logic to this situation - I know that you haven't said everything - but unless you give us more info it is difficult to draw any other conclusions than the one that your H is being less than honest with you.


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## Ana_Nurse (Oct 24, 2009)

OMG.... that sounds just like my situation minus the ring thing. He gave me the same stuff about wanting me to empower myself and become the independant woman I was when we met... I completely feel for you and what you are going through. I feel like I am trying to break out of the shell but have not come out completely yet... and it's been over a month! I am here if you ever need to talk. We will make it through this mess.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Well this entire arrangement seems pretty one sided to me. You're obviously meant to keep being his wife and keeping up the family home and doing all the parenting etc, while he gets to be free of all responsiblity. No doubt he just shows up whenever the hell he wants and you're meant to just let him in and let him waltz around. You feed him too no doubt.

If he "wants to recapture the magic of starting over" then fine, play his game. He needs to turn over his house keys - he doesn't live there anymore. He needs to call ahead and ask you out - just coming over is not a date, that's called just coming over. He's still a father - he needs to step up and take his son at his place some of the time. Box up his personal crap and take it to his new place.

Basically "live here, or live there".


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## Hopeful_wife (Nov 6, 2009)

For the most part, that's what's been going on. He's staying in a hotel with a friend of his right now until they move into their place this week. He said once he's in there he'll take our son overnight and during the weekends and such, but he doesn't want to have him in the hotel because there wouldn't be anything for him to do, which I understand and agree with. I invite him over so that he can see our son, he picks him up from school almost every day, so he's remained very active in his life. I don't know what's really going on. It is one-sided, I'll agree, because I didn't want the separation. So I'm giving him the space that he wants to try to sort out his feelings for me. He did give me the key but I refuse to tell him he can't come over because to me, this is still his home. We're going through a rough spot right now that hopefully we can work through, but I'm trying to be as supportive as I can to what he thinks he needs in order to work through this.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

This is probably beating a dead horse by reading everyone else's replies, but the whole ring thing...yes very strange. And I think you should take yours off. He wants to take his off thats fine you take yours off. If it hurts him oh well. He hurt you first. 

And get out of the house. Stay busy, create a new life. Fake the fact that ok if he wants to leave for what? Reason who knows that you will be fine.

That might be his reality dose and than maybe he will be the one that hurts a little. Not to sound cruel but come on are you not hurting? He needs to know what he is doing to you.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Hopeful_wife said:


> For the most part, that's what's been going on. He's staying in a hotel with a friend of his right now until they move into their place this week. He said once he's in there he'll take our son overnight and during the weekends and such, but he doesn't want to have him in the hotel because there wouldn't be anything for him to do, which I understand and agree with. I invite him over so that he can see our son, he picks him up from school almost every day, so he's remained very active in his life. I don't know what's really going on. It is one-sided, I'll agree, because I didn't want the separation. So I'm giving him the space that he wants to try to sort out his feelings for me. He did give me the key but I refuse to tell him he can't come over because to me, this is still his home. We're going through a rough spot right now that hopefully we can work through, but I'm trying to be as supportive as I can to what he thinks he needs in order to work through this.


If he's signing a lease on an apartment, this is going to be going on for a very long time. I really doubt the point of setting a bachelor pad up with a friend is to "sort this feelings out about you". It's about an attempt to find something better than you, and if that fails, to have you as a backup that he can return to.

He's moved out, given you his key back, taken off his wedding ring. No matter how you feel about him, he's very plainly made it clear by his actions that where you live is not his home.

I'm not convinced "supporting him" leaving you is in your best interest. 

How is all this two households thing going to be paid for anyway? Is there a room for your son at the apartment so he can share custody? Or is it basically just going to be the same story as the hotel?


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## Hopeful_wife (Nov 6, 2009)

He's not signing a lease, and he only gave the key back because I lost mine and I asked for it back. He wasn't planning on giving it back. He said he doesn't want to sign a lease because he doesn't want to do anything permanent. His friend is getting the apartment and the military is paying for it. He's only going to have to pay for a parking spot and cable, so it won't hurt us financially. We both work anyway, so really we could both afford to live separately if it does become permanent. His friend is married, by the way, so it's not really a bachelor pad. He's just staying there because he'll have his own space. He's not interested in going out partying all the time.


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## Hopeful_wife (Nov 6, 2009)

Ash22 said:


> This is probably beating a dead horse by reading everyone else's replies, but the whole ring thing...yes very strange. And I think you should take yours off. He wants to take his off thats fine you take yours off. If it hurts him oh well. He hurt you first.
> 
> And get out of the house. Stay busy, create a new life. Fake the fact that ok if he wants to leave for what? Reason who knows that you will be fine.
> 
> That might be his reality dose and than maybe he will be the one that hurts a little. Not to sound cruel but come on are you not hurting? He needs to know what he is doing to you.


The thing is, I don't want to take my rings off. I like having them on. I'm not ready to admit defeat in this whole thing. He says that he thinks we're headed in the right direction and that he thinks we can work this out. Not sure, but I'm going to keep hoping and praying that we do. I've tried to be strong in front of him, but I still have my vulnerable moments. I do want to fake being happy. But at the same time, if I fake being so happy, will he figure I moved on and give up? I just don't know. Our relationship is sitting on a tightrope right now and any slight breeze is going to push us over one way or the other. I'm really not trying to be vengeful or spiteful in any of this. I just want my husband back, and I don't know if that will happen.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Hopeful_wife said:


> I do want to fake being happy. But at the same time, if I fake being so happy, will he figure I moved on and give up?


You should most definitely look as good as you can. You should game him a little to be honest. Men love a chase.


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## Hopeful_wife (Nov 6, 2009)

Oh I plan on that, believe me. Over the past 2 months or so I've lost 15 pounds. I'm short, so on me that's a LOT of weight. But I have to say I do feel better about my appearance. If that's one positive I've gotten out of this, it's that I feel better about myself physically. Now I just have to keep the weight off...


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