# Husband is Hollow Inside from Fighting



## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

My h and I have been dealing with the aftermath of a suspected ea as well as low t issues. We have been fighting on and off for 1.5 years now. It's exhausting. We have a big blow out about once a week where he ends up sleeping on the couch. Last night he called me an alcoholic (I have dealt with some of the issues with wine-I am aware of it and working on it) and viola our blow out fight of the week.

This morning he admitted that he hasn't been there for me emotionally (h becomes distant at times) but that he is hollow inside from all the fighting. I asked him if he ever felt like he could go back to being there for me as he was before all this and he said he didn't know. Then told me he loved me (?)

I am thinking of starting the 180...any other ideas?


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Sounds like you both have an awful lot of unresolved resentment.

My wife and I wrote down a long list of things that were bothering us in the marriage. We wrote them separately and then shared them together. When going over a list, we remained calm and tried to understand where the other was coming from. Then we came up with a number of practical ways we can address some of the larger issues in our marriage. 

These write ups helped us a lot to communicate things that were hard for us to tell the other. It sounds like to me there's a lot of fighting but perhaps not a lot of listening and empathy in your marriage. Perhaps some listening and empathy, really hearing each other out w/o getting defensive could help you two clear all the anger and resentment that clearly both of you have in you.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

It sounds like you both need to learn to communicate better and fight fair.

Are you in counselling?


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## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

I've been in IC for about 6 years...At first my h didn't want to go to mc but then agreed-we haven't gone for several reasons but one is also that I don't want to drag my h there-he clearly is not open to the idea of mc


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

If you can't sort it out between you, then you need to go to counselling. He needs to be willing to sort these issues out. At the moment you're just in a cycle of negative interactions. If you can't break it together - and it's pretty hard to do - a good counsellor will help you both air your grievances to make you both feel heard, and give you tools to learn how to fight in a non attacking way. A good counsellor. He may not want to go, but what does he want? To keep going like this? How exhausting is it for you both. You can have a rocky, up and down marriage like this for the last year and a half and see how long that lasts, or you can both agree to face the issues head on and aim for a happier marriage.

Why doesn't he want to go? No one needs to know. No family, friends. It's just for the two of you. It's like a mediator in the room for the arguments. If he wants to feel happy again, he needs to take action. Someone needs to break the cycle. Don't wait until it's too late and neither of you have any energy left.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Also <Hugs>  I know it can be rough and you're probably feeling drained.


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## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

H actually was psych evaluated as a child. My FIL suffers from depression, schizophrenia, ect. His parents ended up divorcing so my h's line is "MC did nothing but move my parents closer to divorce"


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Mrs1980 said:


> H actually was psych evaluated as a child. My FIL suffers from depression, schizophrenia, ect. His parents ended up divorcing so my h's line is "MC did nothing but move my parents closer to divorce"


One person's experience doesn't mean the same for everyone. It depends how close to the line you are right now. If you're at the end and he knows it, he may be willing to try it.


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## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

Thank you. Aside from being exhausted...the lack of emotional support and sexual attention has made me susceptible to stupid crushes, checking out other men...No cheating but behavior that I do not like in myself. I just crave for some type of love in any form at this moment


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Mrs1980 said:


> Thank you. Aside from being exhausted...the lack of emotional support and sexual attention has made me susceptible to stupid crushes, checking out other men...No cheating but behavior that I do not like in myself. I just crave for some type of love in any form at this moment


It's understandable. You crave what you don't have anymore. It's not about sex as such, just the attention of a man. The love. It can turn your life into a daydreaming fantasy to escape the reality of home. Trust me, you're not alone.

That's why I think you're in dangerous territory right now. You need to focus on what's going on now, at home, and take charge. Tell him you both can't go on living like this. Enough is enough. If he doesn't go to counselling (it's the only solution I can think of that would help, it's been a long time) then you don't know how much longer you can go on. The 180 is good but it's just more time not dealing with the issues. They say every relationship needs a hero. Take the reins.


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