# Recovery timetables suck



## Sauvie Island

One step forward, two steps back anyone?
This last Christmas week, I found myself sitting at a plaza bench, drunk, semi-crying, as people walked by. I don't cry and rarely get drunk. There was a huge movie theatre in front of me, I had bought a ticket and was waiting. Very alone. Christmas lights, families, and shopping bags everywhere. I never got out and felt I needed to, and this is what happens? I was either working or locked in my apartment, living in the brand new city of Portland. I moved there to take a nice position, to get far away from where my ex-wife's infidelities had occurred. It took me from my children but I had to begin taking steps out of the foggy depression I was living in. 
I did not realize that fog follows though; it feeds on the lonely. I'm generally quite fine alone, always have been a couple close friends type of guy. But lonely, especially after eleven years of marriage, and cuddly, noisy kids, is a completely different beast. 
After I had discovered her LTA it was only a matter of a couple months before I was terminated from my job, a job I loved. Her manipulation over the years, and trickle-truthing after D-day drove me insane...obsessing. I floundered about the next half year, and so I was thankful for the new job opportunity when approached, but nothing felt the same once I moved and took over. I thought I could drown myself in the position and that would get me out of this funk...yeah right. Instead, I had a hard time even going to work, but I did and faked it until I could leave that day.
Early last month, my appendix ruptured. I thought it was pneumonia and was going to soldier it out; not a good idea. Days into it I finally call the paramedics who came and picked me up off the floor and got me to a local hospital. Severely sick, dehydrated, intestines full of poison...but great insurance. After 3 weeks of being there, I was informed I was getting terminated again. I had nothing to say because it was BS, so just hung up.

Now for the troublesome parts.
I was told by several doctors I could have died...but I didn't care. The family who visited were worried to death about my situation, and I remember thinking 'how come they care about me, but I don't?'

I lost my apartment, my position. I'm still recovering from a residual infection, so energy is severely lacking. I'm sure a couple weeks ago had I not been sick, given the opportunity, would have driven off into the sea and drowned. My parents are nursing me back to health up here in Tacoma and are my saving grace.

Relationally, I'm lonely. Every way imaginable. I haven't dated yet, haven't really felt up to it, and it's kinda scary, but now that I'm back to square zero, I have nothing to offer.

My children? My sweet babies? Oh, my Ex has already remarried. I know he could never replace me to them, I get that.


_So how can you map your way forward, when you have no idea where you are, in the first place?_


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## sokillme

Dude all I can tell you is you have to fight. Fight for the life you want. It's gonna suck for a while but you need to allow yourself to have hope and then fight to get what you hope for.


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## attheend02

Sauvie Island,

I think I understand your pain. The loss of shared dreams has been the biggest issue for me.

I'm getting lifted by little victories - like selling things that I thought would be difficult, getting the house in good enough order to sell...etc.

I have some fear of the time after all of these distractions are complete, but now I'm focusing on finding a new job. 

I hope you get through and find a new purpose in life. Keep posting... you will find inspiration again.

atthend02


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## Cooper

I believe you should move back to where your children are. You need love, you need hope, you need focus, you need to be needed, being a present hands on dad will give you a foundation to rebuild your life on. Best wishes.


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## Spicy

I’m so sorry to hear all you have been through, geez!!!!

My best advice is, move back near your kids. They need you and you need them. Without a doubt, as soon as you are healthy enough, do what it takes to get a place near them and be in their lives every single week. You won’t regret that. You will on the other hand most definitely regret missing their childhood. Plus, “I needed to get away from where your mom cheated on me” is not an excuse that will ever make sense to your children. They will just know you left them. Go make a new home for your babies, and they will help heal your daddy heart. :x


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## Diana7

I cant understand at all why you moved away from your own children. They need to see you regularly even if you don't want to live near them. They will be wondering why you have effectively abandoned them and moved away. It was only the fact that I had three children to care for and they had no one else that kept me going. 

As for not wanting to date again, its far far too soon anyway. 
It was 4 years before I felt anywhere near ready to think of another man. Most people jump far too soon into dating again. 

Brilliant that you have your parents, I wish I had still had my parents at that time. Just take one day at a time and gradually rebuild your life. Your children need you.

Oh and, often I wanted to do what you have and just go to pieces and be looked after. The strain and exhaustion of being the only parent, with no close family members, trying to also cope with the trauma and pain of the very sudden 23 year marriage break up along with the suffering of my children, was immense, and took a really bad toll on my physlcal and mental health.


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## arbitrator

*The best way to try to recover in the best possible way is rather simple, @Sauvie Island ~ Open up your eyes, your heart, your soul, and your mind. Then attempt to do something unexpectedly endearing, yet simple, say an act of service, for someone who is least expecting it!

That is truly the definition of being "Godly" in your own right!

You'll continue to remain in my fervent prayers, my friend!

And always remember ~ God loves you and so do I!*


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## notmyjamie

Sauvie Island said:


> One step forward, two steps back anyone?
> 
> Now for the troublesome parts.
> I was told by several doctors I could have died...but I didn't care. The family who visited were worried to death about my situation, and I remember thinking 'how come they care about me, but I don't?'
> 
> Relationally, I'm lonely. Every way imaginable. I haven't dated yet, haven't really felt up to it, and it's kinda scary, but now that I'm back to square zero, I have nothing to offer.
> 
> My children? My sweet babies? Oh, my Ex has already remarried. I know he could never replace me to them, I get that.
> 
> 
> _So how can you map your way forward, when you have no idea where you are, in the first place?_


You've certainly been through a lot recently. You sound clinically depressed. Not caring if you die is a big red flag. Leaving your children is a also a red flag. Do you ever see them? Do you at least call or Facetime with them? If not, you are causing them extreme pain. 

I think it's good that you aren't dating yet. You need to get healthy first before you can offer yourself to anyone else. 

At this point, you need to see a doctor about your depression. You sound like you might need some medication, at least for now. Some counseling would be a very good idea as well. I think these two combined will make things start to become more clear for you. You need to heal from your surgery/infection but also from the emotional hurt you've gone through. Once you start to do that, you can get a job and get your life back. But, you should make time for your kids, even if it's not in person yet. They need their Dad. If you haven't seen or talked to them recently, they are wondering what they did wrong to cause you to abandon them. That's unfair to them. See a doctor and get well, for yourself and for them.

Good luck!!!


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## Sauvie Island

Thank you all, that means a lot.

I was a very regular part of their lives before the move last fall. The selfish reason for the move was to get the hell out of Dodge; the practical reason was that I had lost my other position and was falling behind on child support, so it made sense.


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## Emerging Buddhist

Sauvie Island said:


> Thank you all, that means a lot.
> 
> I was a very regular part of their lives before the move last fall. The selfish reason for the move was to get the hell out of Dodge; the practical reason was that I had lost my other position and was falling behind on child support, so it made sense.


There is selfish and there is "healthy" selfish... quite a difference.

Running away is letting fear get the best of you over something that is in your control, like child support.

Child support is based on what you can provide, not what you cannot... it would be beneficial for you to immediately contact the courts and let them know your economical status, adjust to what can be reasonably paid as you search out what you can offer your children.

With that said, your work has a purpose... still providing for your children but you cannot be strong for them if you are not strong for yourself.

Don't own your ex-wife's decisions. 

We often do not think we do but in reality the way we allow them to impact us tells a different story. 

She had a long-term affair and left you for him? Yep.

Feeling disposable and abandoned? Yep

My friend, you are giving her way too much power... she is the struggling and unmindful one even if it doesn't seem so, why do you apply her sense of value to yourself?

In my divorce I was told I was unlovable... I'm sure she was convinced of that for the simple reason she didn't want to and wished me to believe it was because of me. I'm sure she wished a lot of things but in the end, her power was only as strong as my reaction to it.

Your strength is as strong or as weak as you let the divorce affect it... you have children who depend on your involvement, show them a dad who understands his environment and overcomes the hard things life can throw at it.

You have an incredible opportunity to lead them in ways your love can only imagine...


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