# I'm a scared FOOL



## thebikewidow (Oct 14, 2011)

Where to begin? Well this is harder than I thought and let me apologize now if I ramble. I met my husband when I was 19, he was 24 we actually got into an argument over gay rights and the movie Philadelphia the first night we met. He loved the fact that I didn’t back down from him, and me well I just thought he was an a$$. He asked me out several times which I kept turning him down finally I said yes on the condition that both of my best friends could come and I got to pick the movie. He agreed and we went to see Sister Act 2… LOL. He told me that night he would marry me, I told him that night he was crazy, I wasn’t his type needless to say 6 months later we were engaged and living together and a year after that married. After a few years of marriage we thought it was time for a family, but as fate would have neither one of us “worked” so we turned to adoption. So 8 years into our marriage we started the adoption process, we were matched with a sibling group boy 2.5 and girl turning 6. The adoption was a nightmare (long long long story) and at the same time my aunt who lived 3 doors down from us was dying from cancer. Needless to say I was a wreck, putting my kids to bed every night not knowing if tonight would be my last night with them… I put all my time and energy into them and my husband well he got he needs met by a co-worker. I would find out 2 years later when my father-in-law and I walk in on them. I blame myself for the affair after all I did shut him out, heck I shut everyone out. I didn’t want anyone else to go through the pain I was going through. By this time the adoption was done, my aunt had passed and I was healing. Like I said I forgave him even took most of the blame, I understood how it happen even why. We worked hard at fixing things, creating a happy little family just the 4 of us, and it seemed to be going ok then we moved. Hubby joined the HOA and next thing you know lots of meetings and phone calls but things seemed fine, or so I thought. I threw him a birthday party and mid-way he disappeared we couldn’t find him anywhere.. so I checked upstairs only to find him on his phone not know I was there telling his friend how unhappy he was and how much he disliked me. I was crushed I pulled myself together and went back downstairs to my house full of people, the next day I asked him about. He played dumb said I must have dreamed it, and the calls became less. He was never physical with her but he told her everything he hopes, dreams and fears… I was an after thought I was always 2nd to know. So I kicked him out. It only lasted a week he was sorry the kids missed him I was scared he promised we would go to counseling. I made the appointments went to mine, he never showed. I let it be after all this too shall pass is what everyone kept telling me. So here we are 16 years into our marriage and I’m alone again, he has a new hobby it’s cycling he is gone a few nights a week and every weekend. He has a new friend to will call her “T” he is all she talks about “T” and his bike. I’m alone and unhappy getting him to do something with me a simple as go to dinner is like pulling teeth, yet they go to lunch every Sat and Sunday. We haven’t had sex in over a year, which of course is my fault because he goes to bed @ 8 before the kids and I’m still cleaning up dinner and helping them with their homework. 
My kids are asking why daddy loves his bike more than us? And my son wants to know why daddy even has a wife? How do you answer that? I want to leave I think… I dream about it, but I’m scared if I do he will just right the kids off too…. And I can’t do that to them, they have been through so much already? Help……. Please … really there is so much more I can write but honestly this was draining enough, and I think it gives a good idea of what I’m dealing with. Next weekend is our daughter’s birthday however he won’t be here. He, “t” and some other bike friends are going out of town to stay in a hotel and do some bike rides…..


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## thebikewidow (Oct 14, 2011)

so how would you handle this? i'm at the point where i don't care anymore.... and i don't like that feeling


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

You don't care anymore. Your H has checked out of the marriage, and is "unhappy".

You have 3 options:
1) Stay in your marriage, the way it is. Not fixing anything.
2) Go to counseling, and you both commit to fixing things.
3) You get a divorce.

If you or your H do not want (really want) to fix the marriage, #2 is out the window.

Do you love your H? When he left, you let him back just because of the kids missing him, and then the issues seemed to had been swept under the rug.

What do YOU want?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Tell him you want option #3(Divorce) if he reacts in a reconcilable manner then tease him with option #2(Fixing it).

If he doesn`t, proceed with option #3.


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## thebikewidow (Oct 14, 2011)

I think I want a divorce. I'm so tired of walking on eggshells and dealing with all the negativity. Do I love him yes, an I in love with him no. I will always love him, and we will always be tied to eachother. 
This weekend he was gone Sat from 6-6 on a bike ride then they went to a carnival, the same one the kids begged to go to and we were told no. Sun he was gone 6-4 another bike ride, he came home took a nap till 6:30 realize oh crap I'm in trouble so took me to dinner, the whole time all he talked about was his bike the ride and his "friend". If I brought something else up it just went back to himself. 
We are in family counsling now because of my daughter and some issuse she has, he will not go, he went to the 1st meeting and has never gone back. I've brought it up before to no luck.... 

Would I be making a mistake if I try and hold out till after the Holidays for the kids or should I make myself happy and just do it now?


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