# Do I Lay My Cards On The Table To Her



## Help Me Choose (Mar 4, 2014)

Hi.Everyone.Following on from my earlier post regarding my partner calling our relationship off, she still remains here in our house together with our son.She said 1 month or so ago that she does not want to be with me anymore but will stay as she has no full time job or anywhere to go and that my son (13) wants to live full time with me.
I know i am in a weak position as i cant seem to help myself in wanting back our relationship.She has been so horrible this week at some points saying she hates and despises me and that she wishes she could take my son away from me.
Then she can be quite nice and make me some tea and be pleasant.I have ( or so i thought) been a good partner, never hit her, totally loyal, no affairs, make good money and pay all the bills. 
She says i have not shown her love for 15 years and it is now too late but i have loved her so much. Why do i still keep trying to convince her we can try again? I have asked if she will try MC but she just says no way. I want to keep my family together for my son and to be honest for me as i love her. 
Is there anything i can do to help myself or should i get it in my head that i have no chance? The thing is she will not give me any chance to do what she says i didnt such as love her more. Please help with any suggestions.
This has been going on for 4 months now and mostly she looks straight through me as if i am a ghost. It is as if an alien has kidnapped her and replaced her with someone who looks like her. She used to be so loving and altered over night.
I have thought about an affair but she only goes out once a month with her friends.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

She's got what she wants. A safe place to live, where she doesn't have to work to hard, things are taken care of, and she has her son living with her. Until you shake up that dynamic, I'd bet that she can be content in the situation for longer than you can. 

My advice. File for divorce and hand her the paperwork. Until she realizes that this cozy little situation isn't going to last, she has no incentive to change herself. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If she wants to leave then tell her to leave. She made it clear that she doesn't want to be there so show her the door.

You can't force someone to love you. If it isn't there, then move on. You can beg, plead and cry a river and it will do you no good.

Let her know that she can't have it both ways. She doesn't want you but wont leave. If that's the case, tell her that if your living like room mates then she has to go get a job and divide everything 50-50. She pays half of everything and gets no free handouts. 

Must be nice to live on someone else's dime.


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## Help Me Choose (Mar 4, 2014)

Thank you for your info PBear


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## Help Me Choose (Mar 4, 2014)

Thank you for your info 6301. I know i am been a mug at present. I suppose i was hoping she would come back as a relationship but it is now 4 months.She seems very bitter against me and says i am 100% to blame for her feelings.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Help Me Choose said:


> She has been so horrible this week... Then she can be quite nice and make me some tea and be pleasant.


Help Me Choose, a barista at Starbucks can make you a cup of tea, all without being horrible to you.

She has admitted that she is staying only because she has "no where else to go." Too bad for her, either she commits 100% to being in the marriage, works on her anger and resentment issues, or it's time to send her packing. 

You will undoubtedly get joint custody of your son at the very least, and anyway he is old enough to decide who he wants to live with. The courts will weigh his opinion heavily.

You can't "nice" her into wanting you back or loving you. As you will read *over and over on this site*, the only chance you have to keep this relationship is to give her exactly what she has asked for. Do a hard 180, get an attorney, file for divorce (no one is saying you actually have to go through with it) tell her you have listened to what she is saying and you are acting on her wishes. And you will no longer be her whipping post or excuse for all of her bottled up anger.

Then start doing things for yourself. Go to the gym, go out with friends, do fun things with your son. Take away her power to control you by not giving her carte-blanche opportunities to tongue-whip you. If you're not around her, she can't berate you. And something funny happens when she sees all the changes you have made. Your self esteem goes up, YOU become in control, she feels the loss of HER control, and you just may end up getting what you want after all. Then again, you may decide you're better off without her.


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## Help Me Choose (Mar 4, 2014)

Thank you happy as a clam. More good ideas for me.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

happy as a clam said:


> Help Me Choose, a barista at Starbucks can make you a cup of tea, all without being horrible to you.
> 
> She has admitted that she is staying only because she has "no where else to go." Too bad for her, either she commits 100% to being in the marriage, works on her anger and resentment issues, or it's time to send her packing.
> 
> ...


Give defiant people what they want.


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## Help Me Choose (Mar 4, 2014)

Thank you Conrad.Despite how horrible she has been and still is, i cant seem to help myself wanting her back....... nuts, i know, but i keep thinking of the last 18 years where we (seemed) to get on great.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Help Me Choose said:


> nuts, i know, but i keep thinking of the last 18 years where we (seemed) to get on great.


Stop thinking of the last 18 years. Think of the PRESENT and the NEXT 18 years. Is this current situation what you envision for your life?! :scratchhead:

You already know in your heart what must be done to possibly salvage this relationship. Right now you are caught in the "but I don't WANNA" stage.


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## Help Me Choose (Mar 4, 2014)

Thank you Clam.You are, of coarse correct, i need to do as you say.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Help Me Choose said:


> Thank you Conrad.Despite how horrible she has been and still is, i cant seem to help myself wanting her back....... nuts, i know, but i keep thinking of the last 18 years where we (seemed) to get on great.


Have you ever been to therapy?


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## Help Me Choose (Mar 4, 2014)

Hi Conrad. No therapy, would you advise it? For me only?


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

Help Me Choose said:


> Hi Conrad. No therapy, would you advise it? For me only?


Yes, do it for you. You need to work on yourself first. I go to IC every week. It does help. Conrad is very knowledgeable you can learn a whole lot from him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Help Me Choose said:


> Hi Conrad. No therapy, would you advise it? For me only?


Absolutely.


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## Help Me Choose (Mar 4, 2014)

Conrad and rs
thank you


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## Sincererlytrying (Oct 31, 2012)

My situation was similar. The counselor we saw briefly said that my wife did not want to be married to me, but wanted me to continue to take care of everything including her. I did my best to leave the door open to reconcile, before I moved out, but she never made an effort or even said she would try. I waited 6-8 months in that household, lost 20 pounds, never slept well, suffered decreased job performance and had trouble relating to my kids.

Getting the process started and moving out saved me. I recommend what the others have said.

Start counseling for yourself and enroll your son with his own counselor.

Speak with an attorney. You may not need to file for divorce. Just tell her to get her own so you can start working on the dissolution. If she refuses, file for divorce. If this upsets her, let her know what it will take to get you to stop: attending joint counseling, trying the counselor's recommendations, counseling for herself, getting a job, etc. And, stick to your requirements.

Start doing things with your child, without his mother. Make sure to preserve that relationship and never say anything negative about her to him.

Make time for yourself, go out. Show her you can have a life without her. She doesn't need to know if you are going to movies alone, the bookstore, or just sitting in a park alone.

Get your financial situation in order. You may have to find another place to live. It's been clear that my wife will be completely dependent on my support to refinance and maintain the house. She refused to move out despite the house being to expensive for her. She has an unreasonable emotional attachment that will financially ruin her, but that is her issue now, not mine. I took steps to protect myself and make sure the impact on my kids will be minimal.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Help Me Choose said:


> Conrad and rs
> thank you


Find an IFS Therapist

These guys are the best.

Hopefully, there's one in your area.


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## Help Me Choose (Mar 4, 2014)

Many thanks Sincererlytrying and Conrad great info again.


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## txrover (Nov 7, 2013)

Help Me,
I was in a very similar situation as you are now. My STBEW decided she did not love me anymore and wanted to seperate.
Now she did not want a divorce but did not want to be with me so she moved out and got an apartment. I was wanting her back so bad that i would do anything to get her back. I then went out and found a Divorce Care class that has helped me realize how stupid i looked at begging her to come back to me. I looked like a fool as it seemed liked I was nothing with out her.

I have since started going out again and have made new friends but the one thing that has meant the most to me are my kids. I never realized how much of this they do see but never say anything. I now have a better relationship with my son who is 14 then i have ever had. Your marriage can be very toxic to your kids and you don't even know it.

I know it is hard and will be hard to move on but you need to for the sake of your son. We have all been there and have been able to make it so i know you can do it also. I have also filed for D and hope it to be finalized in 90 days.


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## Help Me Choose (Mar 4, 2014)

Txrover
Thank you for your reply.This also gves me some usefull help.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

It sounds very hopeless. Pushing for divorce will force her to face the reality of a life without you. That may cause to her to re-evaluate her feelings, but frankly she can hardly stand you, so it sounds like you should go with the 180.

Conrad is a very good advisor in these situations. He has a fine touch. Others have been in your shoes and will also contribute. Wedding vows were, we thought, until death do we part. Perhaps your wife is in some sense no longer present. To have been a couple so long you were so intermeshed. For that to suddenly end suggests that some part of her has vanished.

Somehow you are the symbol and cause of all her frustrations and unhappiness. And yet she cannot separate from you for gross material reasons.

What sort of education does she have? How well could she support herself? In the UK there is a heavy alimony judgment awaiting you.


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## Help Me Choose (Mar 4, 2014)

Hi.Long walk. Thank you for your sensible words.I am though lucky as we never married just partners so i do not need to pay any alimony ( I saw a lawyer last week).She had a normal education. She has only ever worked part time ( unfortunatly in my business) and refuses to work full time and i am sorry to say she will not be able to support herself unless she does a full time job but that will not be my problem. On another note, i can not understant how she altered overnight from a kind loving partner to the current version who as you say seems to almost hate me.She has told me tonight that i am 100% to blame for her no longer been in love with me..


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Help Me Choose said:


> Hi.Long walk. Thank you for your sensible words.I am though lucky as we never married just partners so i do not need to pay any alimony ( I saw a lawyer last week).She had a normal education. She has only ever worked part time ( unfortunatly in my business) and refuses to work full time and i am sorry to say she will not be able to support herself unless she does a full time job but that will not be my problem. On another note, i can not understant how she altered overnight from a kind loving partner to the current version who as you say seems to almost hate me.She has told me tonight that i am 100% to blame for her no longer been in love with me..


She started detaching long ago and simply reached the tipping point.

Now she blames you for her unhappiness.

The Victim Chair gives her permission to lash out (in her own mind, of course)

An Overview of the Drama Triangle


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## Sincererlytrying (Oct 31, 2012)

Do not try to understand how or why she changed if she does not choose to tell you. That's her choice. Best you can do is base your decisions on her words and actions.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Choose,

Given the severity of the situation and the unpleasantness that awaits, I fear you are still in line for considerable pain. Who owns your house? I suppose a common law wife also has rights to common property

At any rate, I found this:



> Financial Claims of Cohabiting Couples
> 
> As there is no concept of “common-law marriage”, no automatic legal rights arise upon the breakdown of the relationship. For example, an unmarried couple could live together for many years, yet one may have no financial claims against the other when the relationship breaks down.
> 
> ...


Perhaps you may wish offer her a lump sum to leave? Perhaps you will seek court to force her to leave your home. If you bought before you became a couple, she probably has no claim at all. If she contributed nothing to paying the mortgage, that would also weak her claim.

I suspect that if you cut her off financially she will resent for your being a heartless brute, but if you give something it will not be enough or it will be patronizing. She will still twist it to paint you in a bad light.

Are you OK, financially?


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Help Me Choose said:


> I have thought about an affair but she only goes out once a month with her friends.


Under your current circumstances I would not describe your seeing someone else as an affair.


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## Help Me Choose (Mar 4, 2014)

Conrad. Thank you good info
Longwalk I bought the land where i built our house but i put the land title deeds in both our names so lawyer says 50/50.This was approx 20 years ago and i thought that it would give her an insentive to build a good home life but she never then worked much and therfore i have paid all the mortgage off. I would not mind paying 50/50 if she had paid a contibution but she has never paid anything but it does seem 50/50. It does hurt the thought of her splitting up the family and then takinf half what i paid for. On a brighter note i down own other assets and can pay her off.I did pay the mortgage by selling some stocks that i owend for £200,000 and my lawer does say that i can go to court to make a claim of fairness which a judge would look at for a fair judgment but thel lawyer did say it would cost us several thousand pounds each but she has no money as she never saved any so maybe a pay off for her of a lesser sum? Its awkward all ways but i will need to face it.
Philat.Thank you. Sorry, i did not explain correctly, i wondered if she was having an affair as this (appeared to me anyway) so sudden.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You can cut her off financially now so that she can have a taste of going it alone. Going to court with a lawyer may be another way to amp up the noises in her head warning her that she is making a mistake.

Perhaps you can settle via mediation to save money. But the stakes are high.


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## Help Me Choose (Mar 4, 2014)

Long walk Thank you again. Mediation was suggested by my lawyer as a cheaper option so perhaps yes.I asked her tonight what she wants to do and she says she wants me to leave her alone for now. I asked her if we can get back on track and she just said she loves me but is unsure and again said i have made her fall out of love with her. It does not sound good for me regarding a R. If i had no son i would be much harder in my actions but truth be known i am scared to confront her with regards to her going (which she says she never will ) but i will need to do something soon.I suppose i thought she would see my point of view but NO, she just has not budged an inch on her feelings to me. I have, the last 4 months suggested all sorts of ways we can move forward but everyone she has ignored. I did suggest we try dating again taking it slow but she looked at me with such a look of utter contempt i was embarrased.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You need to push her out the door. Can you date while she is in the same house?


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## Help Me Choose (Mar 4, 2014)

Longwalk
Thank you for your honest reply. Truth is, at this time, I am hesitatingly scared of all the aggro and family upset this will cause.I still can not see why she would cause all this sadness and upset for our family but obviously i will need to act soon.She just will not give an inch on our relationship and blames me 100% for her feelings.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

sorry to say this but you are being to much of a beta.....
She needs to see the tough guy otherwise you will be stuck in this bad situation. May I suggest to hand her e legal separation with the help of your lawyer and then let her have it. Also say that you are giving her 2 weeks time to get her stuff togheter and find somewhere else to live cause your done. But dont threaten and just be firm and serius.
If she freaks out tell her you cant put up with that and turn around ignoring her
beleive me its the only way cause nicyng her will bring you no where


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## Help Me Choose (Mar 4, 2014)

Jack.c
Thank you for your advice.It is good sound advice.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Help Me Choose said:


> Long walk Thank you again. Mediation was suggested by my lawyer as a cheaper option so perhaps yes.I asked her tonight what she wants to do and she says she wants me to leave her alone for now. I asked her if we can get back on track and she just said she loves me but is unsure and again said i have made her fall out of love with her. It does not sound good for me regarding a R. If i had no son i would be much harder in my actions but truth be known i am scared to confront her with regards to her going (which she says she never will ) but i will need to do something soon.I suppose i thought she would see my point of view but NO, she just has not budged an inch on her feelings to me. I have, the last 4 months suggested all sorts of ways we can move forward but everyone she has ignored. I did suggest we try dating again taking it slow but she looked at me with such a look of utter contempt i was embarrased.


First things first.

Stop having these conversations.

It's completely under your control to stop.


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## Help Me Choose (Mar 4, 2014)

Conrad
Thank you will so as you advise.


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