# Dr.ained (the period was intentional)



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

My marriage has been twisitng in the wind the last two or so years. If you're curious, previous posts outline the reasons why. My wife recently has had her ACL reconstructed and I think I have been most gracious in assisting her with her recovery. However, it appears that the more I do for her, the less she does for herself. I feel I am qualified to make this assessment, since her surgery is related to my medical specialty, and I live with her. Even though I have not been directly responsible for her care, aside from making her initial diagnosis and referring her to a surgeon, I have been picking up her slack around the house, and I'm getting a little tired of it. I understand she can't clean. I have no problem there, but could you go over our second grader's spelling list or read with her? How about correcting an eight grader's math? Maybe, how about getting up and making your own breakfast. I am getting killed going from my clinic job to my "single parent + 1 job". I don't get a lot of sleep, perhaps 4-6 hours on a typical night. I function well on this, but not now that she is waking me up every 90-120 minutes for something. Mentally, I am getting burned out, and what started as a labor of love is now beginning to become an exercise in resentment. For the record, she was frigging horrible to me when I had knee surgery, because she attributed it to my "martial arts training". The day after I had my proceedure, she went to her 20th class year reunion, and I stayed home with our kids. How's that for compassion? I had no problem with that though, as in truth I didn't care to go anyway. The point I am trying to make is that I wasn't an invalid. Post-op day one, I was doing more and without whining than she is doing on post-op day 12. Last Sunday, I walked in on a conversation she was having with her girlfriend about who generally is tougher, a man or a woman. I graciouly said it varies based on the individual, and that nothing in ones 23rd chromosome inherently makes them tough or weak. She said she felt women were tougher hands down, and I almost fell over laughing as I couldn't find anything in her life for her to base this opinion on. In closing, I told her last night that she is killing me and that she needs to "step it up". I told her I am aware of her post-op precautions as I friggin established them for her, and I have no desire in breaking them, but that doing too little is as bad as doing too much. Am I out of line for being firm with her, or should I just shut up and try to care for her even more, as maybe that is what she is appreciating, as normally I am not the most caring person? I would appreciate any thoughts you may have on this matter.


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## alwaysalone (Nov 17, 2007)

I am not sure what an ACL is but I believe it has something to do with your leg. Anyway, I don't think you are being tough on her. I know a few people who had knee surgery (as you did) and all though they listened to the post-op list of what not to do. They still got up and around when they were supposed to. She is still able to help with certain things with the children, like reading, correcting, etc. I have had 2 c-sections and a hysterectomy; I was out of the hospital after 3 days on all occasions. If you sit and don't want to do anything, have everyone else do it for you, makes it worse. She needs to get up and move around. She is lucky she has to at least help. Hell, I couldn't even get my husband to help with my 1 year old after the hysterectomy.

Good for you for saying something, at least that's my opinion.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I don't think you are wrong in expressing yourself to your wife.

She may be "milking" it a bit. Maybe she is liking that nurturing part of you.

What if you said.."honey..I am feeling real stressed out what do you think if we hired a tutor for the kids during the week while you recover." I am not sure what her style is but I would say "oh no I think I can help on that front." If she says "good idea" then put her in charge of getting on e(HS or College student).

I know the tutor is the least of your problems. You feel that she's not stepping up to the plate. Maybe this will encourage her to get back on the saddle again. 

In some way she is enjoying this R&R and being waiting on hand and foot! Wouldn't anyone?

I wish you the best in that regards. Maybe in a few more weeks she will be back to helping herself!


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

you say you're not normally a very caring person.

forgive me, but that kinda says it all.

your wife shouldnt have to 'suck it up' to meet your standard of 'suck it up-ness'.

andand it's not your place to be firm with her. 

she's an adult not your child.

and again forgive me, but i get the sense that you were angry way before your wife had her operation.

after all your marriage has been 'twisting in the wind for the last two or so years'


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

No it doesn't "kind of say it all" recent-cloud. I think it really depends on what you call caring. My wife would call "caring", fluffy, sugary, doting on someone as personal attention, not actual need is what defines care. I would call caring, providing people with what they cannot provide for themselves, until they are able to provide for themselves. See a major problem in our marriage is one of parody. Two different standards exist for two separate people. She has decided that my standard can be higher than hers as "I can handle it." Well, the fact a person can sprint fast is not indicative of the fact they can sustain that pace. I agree she is not my child. The fact is, I expect more and get more from my children than I routinely get from her. My oldest is a senior in high school and is preparing to become a Ranger next year. My wife was of the opinion that he couldn't do it. I agreed, an honest assessment said he couldn't even hope to complete training where he was at. The difference? She said she'd "support him when he "fails out". I decided to let him begin training in the mornings with me, and have shifted my program to prepare him for the rigors of being a special operator. After just 8 weeks of 4:00 am mornings, he isn't even the same kid both physically and mentally. I personally feel she is depressed, and has utilized exercise as a means to modify or adjust her behavior. Nothing wrong with that, and I applaud her for a healthy choice. Problem now is guess who can't vigorously exercise? Her. So she reads, sleeps, and sticks me with everything. Why am I upset? Well reason one it's not good for her. Reason two, it's not good for me. Finally, she does have to "meet a standard". I do too. I am tired of people writing that love is unconditional, and then lamenting how unsatisfied they are with their spouse in the next paragraph. We all have to perform. We all have standards. Don't agree...have an affair or two on your husband and see how unconditional his love becomes.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure each person's perception of pain is subjective.

I also know that cluck-clicking with the girls about women bearing pain better then men while in your presence is more of a ritual of zing the man in the room than anything else.

Lighten up dude.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You seem to be saying that you are carrrying the burden before surgery and after surgery. Am I right?

I hear you also being resentful that you are doing things for you W that she would normally do during this time. Things, that you feel, she is capable of doing while recovering.

Give it time and patience. A week or two. Ask her to help. Don't assume that you know how she feels. Don't assume that she knows how you feel. You need to speak to her and and let her know. Do it with kind words.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Thanks Corpuswife for your input. I will do just that. I will talk directly with her. It seems to be a very simple but appropriate suggestion. She is getting around a little better as of yesterday. We went to our clinic and I reassessed her knee. Her range of motion was fine, but she still lacks quad control. Her knee would probably benefit from being drained, but she was horrified by the idea. She said she thought I was joking in the car when I mentioned it. I said, regardless of any issues we may have, I don't "play" with anyone's care. A simple enough statement, but she could tell I was sincere and took comfort in it. I will be patient and wait for her to "bring herself up to speed." Well, it is now 4:00 am, time to "lace up" and get my Ranger up and running and God knows what else. As for lostandconfused, I honestly agonize over ever little medical detail of my family. She is definitely not having any sort of medication reaction. My expectation is for a correlation between her physical and subjective evaluations. This is not an unique expectation beholden only by me, it is a standard medical one. I realize very well variation within the norm, but I wasn't describing that. I am sorry to hear about your experience nonetheless. Sometimes Dr.'s "blow a call", we are people too.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

lastinline: Sometimes the simple matter-of-fact dialogue is what we need to shoot for...kindness and patience. Not easy when you are being run around ragged!

Wow 4am workouts! You guys are ruthless...


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## angryandfrustrated (Sep 12, 2009)

In my opinion, you are the Dr. and it seems very unlikely that you have unreasonable expectations, so your judgment as to what she is capable of in fair. Having had little support after your surgery makes it seem justifiable to expect her to be a bit more independent also, after all she set the bar on how much care a caregiver in your family provides. Should you have been firm with her....ABSOLUTELY. You arent asking a lot, you could have been a bit more gentle, but it is not ok for you to suffer in silence to be polite to someone that should act as your partner. In the beginning of my marriage my husband made me feel wonderful, and in exchange I wanted to honor him and honestly I spoiled him and now if I dont want to do something that I have occasionally done in the past then he throws a fit like a toddler would. You were told not to treat your wife like a child, but I say dont let her turn into one! Bringing the problem to her attention is the right thing to do.

I am personally concerned about your sleep. If you were a grill cook and the consequence of your lack of sleep was an overcooked cheeseburger I could live with that, but it's a bit more serious than that. When your wife drains you she is depriving your patients of your best ability. As you said, Dr.s are people too, and they have the same basic limitations that most people do. If you are feeling a bit selfish for asking that you not be drained be your patients advocate and speak up for their physician.

I am going to admit to being a fairly sensitive woman. I crave affection. If your wife needs to be doted on a bit, then you should do it. If it isnt natural to you, still please try, she may need your reassurance more than you realize. Although I believe you need to be firm with her, maybe a better middle ground would be to make a list of everything that you have to do in a day and explain that you know she absolutely cant do all of them (ie working out with your son and major cleaning), but you would like for her to choose a few things that she can do and ask for help to find a solution for some that she cant. Don't offer to hire someone that you arent going to just to reveal that you were manipulating her into doing something, she would probably resent that. 

This is a bit OT, but I think that you may be getting some different responses if you were a woman. There are so many sexist woman out there, it drives me up the wall! I believe in statistics and they show that wives do tend to do more, but that isnt every woman everywhere! Can you imagine if you had said something equally sexist. I imagine you would have been driven out of town by an angry mob. I agree that women can be tough, but concave genitals do not indicate a superior gender!


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

my opinion is that you did the right thing and were justified in doing so. i didnt read anything that could be considered as out of line or asking too much. all you are saying is that you are overwhelmed and she needs to help out with the things she CAN help out with ie. reading to the children and checking homework. Maybe she is "milking it" and yes that is normal. But come on... a person can only milk it for so long and the person doing "EVERYTHING" gets tired.

i think you are correct in what you are doing, you ARE being a supportive husband and she is crapping out of you. I dont know what ALC is or how long it takes to recover, but i also feel that just because you are sick and/or recovering, you still need to do things. life goes on and the bills dont stop coming, the house doesnt clean itself, the children dont fed or raise themselves, the laundry and dishes dont stop just because you dont feel 100%. She does need to step up.

whatever other problems you are having in the marriage, i know this surely isnt helping that. But it seems to me, that you are doing your part and more, it is time for her to do hers. And if you tell her you need help and cant do it anymore then she needs to "step up" and try to do things to help you. NOt all problems or fights in a marriage are about the same things. 

Good luck with that. In my case, i have asked, pleaded, begged, cried, and threatened that i cant do it myself and needed help and my husband hasnt responded in ANY shape or form. so i dont have any answers if she doesnt step up.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Well thanks for the advice everyone. I will be more direct and more loving with my future conversations with my wife. It's a fair expectation, and hopefully she will do the same for me.


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## Unit4 (Mar 15, 2009)

Your's sounds like an assembly line life. I hear ya'. Up at 4:30 today, laundry, brief workout, then wake one of two, school drop-off, then the typical 12-13 hours dayjob+commute...

When one thing goes wrong, kablewey! I think you need to cut yourself some slack and at the same time bring sobriety into the picture with your wife, as mentioned. If she's the exercise type, as are you, my guess is the sex department got screwed up if not by the injury, then by the inactivity and partially idled hormones (no Dr, just opinion). Different sexual appetites spawned from different levels of physical activity, I believe, are the source of conflict that hasn't been written much about on these forums. I know if my exercise were cut to zero, I'd be a whiney handful for a while, too.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Well you're right, things are a little quiet on that front, but honestly "frisky is a little risky" at the moment, so I don't have any expectation currently for sex from my wife. There are just too many post-operative precautions for an ACL allograft, and besides as cute as my wife is, the thought of making love to her in a knee immobilizer brace doesn't exactly "do it for me." Currently, I am just happy to see her in the house up and about. It's only for a season, and I'm sure a little bit of medically induced abstinence will make for an interesting end to "the drought" in another two weeks or so. Gotta go.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Didn't you hear knee immobolizers are the new sex toy???!!! haha

I couldn't help it...


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

alwaysalone said:


> I am not sure what an ACL is but I believe it has something to do with your leg.


*Allograft Anterior Cruciate Ligament (ACL) Reconstruction - *The anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) is located in the center of the knee and holds the femur and the tibia in place. The ACL attaches from the back of the femur to the front of the tibia. The ACL is one of the most important ligaments to athletes because it functions to stabilize the joint during deceleration movements.

_- I got this from our health insurance web site, for those of you who wondered what it is, as I wasn't sure, either._

Lastinline, I definately agree that it would be better for your wife to do more, (as much as she is able to) as I think sitting around, doing little or nothing is not only depressing, but also unhealthy physically. I do hope things are still improving at home.


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