# Wth happened to CanadianGuy?



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

This:

Back in March of 2013 started seeing the worst marriage counsellor on the planet. My stbxw started by saying she did not know if she wanted to be married anymore. I said I wanted to understand my wife better. 

I found by accident flirty text messages on her phone between her and a co-worker. Let it be. 

All the while knowing this I asked (she did not know I knew) Do you want to work on this marriage or not, if not I'm moving out. 
She heard "work on this marriage or I'm moving out". I gave her a week to think about it. 

5 days after the initial group of flirty text messages ( he's married btw) I found "Nice sexy voice message, no dirty talk, so sad." 

Confronted her about it. Some bull**** from her about "he" talks to everyone that way, then I said, "it's not what he said it's about what you said" 

Next day she tells me she does not want to work on the marriage. 

I left. Within 3 days she had most of my belongings out of the house and within a week had removed her wedding bands. 

Then this, I was not sleeping, went to the doctor and got a sleeping pill rx, they did not work, went back and got a different kind, they did not work either. For 2.5 months I was getting approximately 18 to 22 hours of sleep over 7 days. Every day at work I was sobbing uncontrollably for 6 hours or more. Luckly I work alone and could hide it. Finally my mother said to me at the end of July, you are getting worse not better. Back to the Dr. I went, I will never forget the look on his face when he saw me. 

Then, anti-depressants and a referral to a psychiatrist. It took 2 weeks for the SSRI to kick in. Finally 5 hours sleep on August 15th. 

My first visit to the Dr. at the end of August was two days in a row. I was given a double diagnosis, I was in a severe major depression and I have been dealing with chronic depression my entire life. The name of which is dysthymia. 

While in my depression I continued working, found a new place, moved in etc. My kids, girl 14, son 11 started coming over week on week off. That lasted one week as my stbxw would not pay child support so I applied to the courts and one week after that they stopped coming over. My daughter is now coming on a regular basis my son continues to stay at his mothers saying that he's not feeling ready to come over again and that his mothers lawyer said that he does not have to come over if he does not want to. I saw them for 5 hours on Christmas day and 3 hours on New Years day. 

I am not violent, or have a criminal record etc. I do not drink or do drugs etc. It is important to note that I was in a mild to major depression probably as far back as my first post on TAM in June or July of 2012. I did not know I was in a depression due to my chronic depression. During our 17 year marriage I was probably in a major depression more than a dozen times but because of my chronic depression did not know. And I was very good at hiding my true feelings or condition. Due to the plethora of self help motivational books and courses I had read and taken. My mask.

So here it is January 2014, I still see my Dr. twice a week, my stbxw only talk through our lawyers and I am still in depression although it is getting better slowly. 

When I left the house June 1 2013 I was practicing was is commonly referred to as "self neglect". I was 162lbs ( I'm 6'2") and a shambles and needed medical attention badly. Shortly after I moved out ( I moved in with my mother ) and once my mother had forced me to eat again I began walking for 3 hours a day. ( in an effort to tire myself out to sleep) Then began doing laps at the local pool, but on some mornings swimming on 2 hours sleep was more like controlled drowning. 

Today I weigh 195, most of it muscle. I only have one pair of pants that fit as I have outgrown the others as my thighs have grown due to cycling and other exercises.. I have changed my diet completely and eat foods that combat depression. I meditate twice a day for 30 to 40 mins. I am also doing Cognitive Behavioural Therapy ( CBT ) which is hard but helping a lot. My self worth and self esteem are rising. My core belief that I have been a failure my entire life is being challenged constantly. 

I have had chronic depression since I was a kid as far back as I can remember. This news was as liberating as it was devastating.
On the one hand I felt I could not be held entirely accountable for my behaviour, on the other chronic depression held me back from 
my true potential as it effected all areas of my life. People used to say that I was mellow and laid back. Yes, with chronic depression. 

Even my teachers commented in my school report cards about my chronic depression although you would need to read between the lines of what they wrote to see that. It was a case of everyone noticed but nobody knew. Dysthymia used to be thought of as a personality disorder until it was classified as a type of depression in 1972. 

From what I have learned living with a person in depression is like like living with an alcoholic or half a person. Indeed my own moods had become as unpredictable as the weather. I must have been hard to live with. Especially for a social worker which is my stbxw's profession. 

My stbxw does not know about any of this actually as I have not told her for my lawyers concern that she would use this information against me to get full custody of our children. She does know I am seeing a Dr. but does not know about the chronic depression or the rx I am taking. The only people that know are my Dr, my mother, my lawyer and one or two close friends.

I found out some things about my stbxw after I moved out. 
She was hoarding money. Spending it on liquor( secret drinking),clothing, hair, cosmetics etc. She was claiming that she was broke and that on top of my full time job I needed to get another p/t job to keep up with household expenses. This of course was not true. She was using me and my income to keep herself in a lifestyle she had become accustomed to. When my income took a dip and I started to provide only half my income to household expenses ( thanks to some info on TAM ) all hell broke loose. She began to punish me actually by not buying food I liked etc. claiming that it was not in the budget. Which was a lie as she was still clearing well over 1k after expenses. 

Never let one person control all the money. I trusted her.



So anyway I will not write anymore as this has gone on long enough. 

If any of you have any questions about chronic depression and what it feels like to live with dysthymia I would be happy to answer them.

CanadianGuy


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

It's always good to have answers ... even when we don't much like what the answer is.

Good to have you back. Keep moving forward.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Deejo said:


> It's always good to have answers ... even when we don't much like what the answer is.
> 
> Good to have you back. Keep moving forward.


Having the answer or the truth is better than burying your head in the sand.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Deejo said:


> It's always good to have answers ... even when we don't much like what the answer is.
> 
> Good to have you back. Keep moving forward.


Thank you Deejo. 

I am glad I found all this out as hard as it was to hear. 

The truth shall set you free. 

Onward.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> Never let one person control all the money. I trusted her.


:iagree:
I second that!

Nice to hear from you again.
I vaguely remember parts of your story. Good to see that you're almost back on your feet again.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Very glad you are doing better. Separation/Divorce is something beneficial in understand the real "me".

I am going through my own enlightening, I have always been semi unhappy. Most times I tried to make my ex happy in order to mask my own unhappiness, or I would ride his high; I would be happy only when he was happy and if he was depressed or unhappy I would blame myself.
My ex has suffered from major depression for a long time, he is much like you very good at masking it. I thought I brought him unhappiness. He even told me I did.

I am working to make myself happy without needing to ride someone else's high.

Thank you for your post


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

separation and divorce is a very tough deal but you are doing it the right way.

I have had depression issues myself in my life and you are doing the right thing with your diet and exercise program.

You are finding the real you and will be much better equipped when you decide to start a new relationship.

One last thing. Be very patient with yourself. You will have good and bad days. The bad ones will be fewer as you progress. It really took me a few years before I really got over the divorce and stopped blaming myself for everything and thinking I had no future.

Good luck and keep moving forward.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Sounds like you are making GREAT strides in self care.  Congratulations!

I have a friend with severe long term depression. I always had thought of it as just being in a funk and using the term as an excuse until I met her and truly understood. 

Sounds like YOU need an attorney - you only mention hers. I'm sure it can be difficult to muster up the mental energy for a fight tho.

Come over to Life After Divorce.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Keep on the up and up, CG. 

Well done for the dietary changes, meditation, raising your self worth, and challenging the perspectives that deserve to be challenged.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

My husband has suffered with depression his whole life, I understand the battle you fight I on a daily basis. Hang in there and stay strong CanadianGuy you have a great future ahead of you keep moving forwards.


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