# Borderline Personality Disorder and infidelity



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Interesting reading about Borderlines, both male and female.
http://www.sharischreiber.com/articles.html

And from the mouths of people with BPD themselves. Ouch.
Infidelity - why do you cheat? : Borderline Personality Disorder Forum - Psych forums

Many people with BPD have affairs and trouble maintaining long term commitments. Obviously we can't diagnose others ourselves, but look out for the possibility. If you're attracted to someone with BPD, there's a lot you can learn about yourself as well to avoid future failures.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Well, how lovely. This BPD'er wants to personally thank you for this little PSA.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Wow! She cheated, he forgave her and she lost some respect for him? 

Ouch.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> Well, how lovely. This BPD'er wants to personally thank you for this little PSA.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is this stuff accurate, Pidge?

All of this sounds familiar to me except it is kind like reading a horoscope.. maybe there's enough for everyone to see themselves in it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If your prospective mate has anything that ends with "disorder", that's a clue that life with them isn't always going to be fun. There is a reason folks aren't diagnosed with Borderline Personality Good Fortune.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Is this stuff accurate, Pidge?
> 
> All of this sounds familiar to me except it is kind like reading a horoscope.. maybe there's enough for everyone to see themselves in it.


I think we need to leave Pidge out of this, to be honest.

Opening up old wounds and so forth...


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

*Beware of people with BPD*

It's good information to read about. I was married to a BPDer. 

Pure hell. 

Caveat emptor.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

staystrong said:


> Interesting reading about Borderlines, both male and female.


Strong, I advise exercising great caution in referring anyone to the numerous blog articles written by Shari Schrieiber. She confuses BPDers with narcissists and sociopaths, often using those terms as though they were interchangible. She mistakenly claims, for example, that most BPDers are "pathological liars." Further, she generally describes all BPDers as spider-like creatures who spin a web of deceit to capture their prey in the trap, at which point they reveal their true evil nature. That is UTTER NONSENSE. 

She also mistakenly referred to herself as "a therapist" for years until BPDfamily.com called her out on it in a series of scathing comments about her on their website. She is not a licensed therapist, which she now concedes on her website. Instead, she has a masters in psychology and social work. This is why she markets herself as a self-styled "healer" and "educator." And that is why she accepts payment by credit card but not from medical insurance carriers.

That said, I nonetheless do like two of her blog articles. One is a description of "waif" BPDers which I find useful only because so little is available online about these "quiet borderlines." The other is her description of excessive caregivers (aka, "codependents") like me. Yet, when reading her articles, you should keep in mind that she doesn't have one good thing to say about BPDers. 

Schreiber therefore has an extreme view of BPDers that is so black-white that it rivals the black-white thinking that BPDers are so notorious for. For a more balanced view (and links to professional resources), I suggest you take a look at my posts in Maybe's Thread.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

staystrong said:


> Is this stuff accurate, Pidge?
> 
> All of this sounds familiar to me except it is kind like reading a horoscope.. maybe there's enough for everyone to see themselves in it.


I can't speak for all BPD'ers, any more than you can speak for all men. I do however feel the title of this thread is beyond insulting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> I can't speak for all BPD'ers, any more than you can speak for all men. I do however feel the title of this thread is beyond insulting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Love conquers everything.

Well, it did in my case. Though my wife isn't BPD, she is ASD, which is not the same, but equally interesting for a completely different set of reason!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> Love conquers everything.
> 
> Well, it did in my case. Though my wife isn't BPD, she is ASD, which is not the same, but equally interesting for a completely different set of reason!


Love can't alter brain chemistry and more than it can cure cancer. One can have the resolve and dedication to deal with anything but all the love in the world can't make life with one afflicted with a mental disorder, easy. It is tough. There are no two ways about it. It isn't for the weak or the semi-committed. My wife has Bipolar Disorder among others. We make it work (kind of) but it isn't tea with the queen and anyone contemplating such a position needs to realize going in that it will be a huge challenge.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> I can't speak for all BPD'ers, any more than you can speak for all men. I do however feel the title of this thread is beyond insulting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're right. I had not even considered that it would be insulting to people on this board who have been diagnosed as such. 

When I read the forum posts by people claiming to have BPD - and these were the ones cognizant of it - I'm struck by the coldness of it. Hence the threat alert. I have no idea what it is like to have BPD (unless...) and I don't mean to insult you. When I hear things like people cutting themselves, and the confusion they have in why they sabotage what's good in their lives, I feel a lot of empathy. I'm not trying to talk down to anyone here, we all have our issues. 

My apologies Pidge.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Love can't alter brain chemistry and more than it can cure cancer. One can have the resolve and dedication to deal with anything but all the love in the world can't make life with one afflicted with a mental disorder, easy. It is tough. There are no two ways about it. It isn't for the weak or the semi-committed. My wife has Bipolar Disorder among others. We make it work (kind of) but it isn't tea with the queen and anyone contemplating such a position needs to realize going in that it will be a huge challenge.


Your W's disorder and mine are vastly different. Mine has little to do with "brain chemistry." Also, medication, if taken properly, can greatly help those with Bipolar. Medication doesn't do jack for me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Beware of people with BPD*



unbelievable said:


> Love can't alter brain chemistry and more than it can cure cancer. One can have the resolve and dedication to deal with anything but all the love in the world can't make life with one afflicted with a mental disorder, easy. It is tough. There are no two ways about it. It isn't for the weak or the semi-committed. My wife has Bipolar Disorder among others. We make it work (kind of) but it isn't tea with the queen and anyone contemplating such a position needs to realize going in that it will be a huge challenge.


I know, it is tough. We have our own issues, including my wife's brutal honesty.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

*Re: Beware of people with BPD*



staystrong said:


> You're right. I had not even considered that it would be insulting to people on this board who have been diagnosed as such.
> 
> When I read the forum posts by people claiming to have BPD - and these were the ones cognizant of it - I'm struck by the coldness of it. I have no idea what it is like to have BPD (unless...) and I don't mean to insult you. When I hear things like people cutting themselves, and the confusion they have in why they sabotage what's good in their lives, I feel a lot of empathy. I'm not trying to talk down to anyone here, we all have our issues.
> 
> My apologies Pidge.


I have never cut myself. That is just one of many coping strategies some BPD'ers employ. We are not all alike. Some BPD'ers use drugs, some drink excessively, some spend money like crazy, some are promiscuous, etc. 

I didn't choose to be a BPD'er. My mind rewired itself at an early age for self preservation. I actually wrote an essay about how I feel I came about having this disorder. Got a 96 on it. Yay me!


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Uptown said:


> Strong, I advise exercising great caution in referring anyone to the numerous blog articles written by Shari Schrieiber. She confuses BPDers with narcissists and sociopaths, often using those terms as though they were interchangible. She mistakenly claims, for example, that most BPDers are "pathological liars." Further, she generally describes all BPDers as spider-like creatures who spin a web of deceit to capture their prey in the trap, at which point they reveal their true evil nature. That is UTTER NONSENSE.
> 
> She also mistakenly referred to herself as "a therapist" for years until BPDfamily.com called her out on it in a series of scathing comments about her on their website. She is not a licensed therapist, which she now concedes on her website. Instead, she has a masters in psychology and social work. This is why she markets herself as a self-styled "healer" and "educator." And that is why she accepts payment by credit card but not from medical insurance carriers.
> 
> ...


No, she doesn't have much good to say about BPD'ers. She also seems to have had many men in her life so that leaves me questioning as well. But she's a persuasive writer. And I don't think just because someone is not fully credentialed that they can't have keen insight into a subject. 

Thanks for link. I'm trying to figure myself out more and more and I have this sense that my XW must have some kind of disorder and maybe I had a complementary one (or KISA or something). She had anorexia/bulimia and cheated in both marriages. More than once. She's also in the caring professions. Never been alone, has abandonment issues I am sure (father cheated and left when she was 5). But she was never prone to outbursts or rage, that classic sign of BPD it seems. Unless she internalized it, b/c I wouldn't have put up with a rager.

So maybe it's too easy to pigeonhole people and do analysis from the armchair. But something is askew.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

pidge70 said:


> I can't speak for all BPD'ers, any more than you can speak for all men. I do however feel the title of this thread is beyond insulting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

IIJokerII said:


> Why?


He changed it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

pidge70 said:


> He changed it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What was it originally?


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

THE MALE BORDERLINE

My God!!!! You just gave me the "ticket" to my divorce case! God bless you always and forever!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

staystrong said:


> I don't think just because someone is not fully credentialed that they can't have keen insight into a subject.


I agree, Strong. As I said, I believe Schreiber has written two blog articles that are insightful despite their flaws. My main problem with her views is not her lack of credentials but, rather, her distorted perception of female BPDers as "dangerous, diabolical" women who -- like poisonous spiders -- spin a deceptive web in which to trap innocent young men. 

Many Nons (i.e., nonBPDers) are very critical of Schreiber's diatribes against female BPDers. A group of 7 BPDfamily members, for example, wrote a review of what likely is Schreiber's most popular blog article, called _"At Any Cost._" They were very critical of it. Specifically, their review concludes:_The article fails to deliver a balanced or realistic perspective on the relationship dynamics or how to deal with the breakup maturely. Instead, it provides a very black-and-white/good vs. evil plot, in which the person with the BPD traits is characterized as cunning, manipulative, self-serving and dangerous--while the partner (the intended reader) is painted as a well intentioned people pleaser who just wants to be loved. The language is vivid, with sexual overtones at times and a dehumanizing way of describing the woman with BPD. See _BPDfamily Review of Schreiber's "At Any Cost."
​If you are interested, Strong, BPDfamily has a web page devoted to Schreiber because she had sued them and she lost in court. See Shari_Schreiber.pdf. Moreover, a Site Director ("Skip") at BPDfamily writes:Schreiber's material, however, is not balanced and not at all helpful if you are trying to get a realistic understanding of your failed relationship, a balanced understanding the psychology of the disorder, hold a relationship together, or work with your child or spouse. She tends to describe the disorder more as evil and a character flaw also has a tendency to "sensationalize" and attribute extreme and psychopathic (ASPD) behavior to all people suspected of having BPD traits. See Which online resources are reputable?.​


> I have this sense that my XW must have some kind of disorder.... has abandonment issues .... But she was never prone to outbursts or rage, that classic sign of BPD it seems.


Yes, temper tantrums and rage are a classic warning sign for having strong BPD traits. Yet, a small portion of BPDers -- I would guess 5% to 10% -- are "quiet borderlines," i.e., the waif BPDers I referred to earlier. Instead of raging outwardly, they will punish their partners with passive aggressive remarks, cold withdrawal, and always being the poor, sickly victim who takes responsibility for nothing. 

Like the "loud" BPDers, these quiet ones (when untreated) are emotionally immature and unstable. I mention this because I don't recall you ever describing your exW as being emotionally unstable. Rather, you seem to describe her as having been emotionally stable for 7 straight years (with both you and her first H) -- at the end of which she became bored and looked elsewhere.


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## dadof2 (May 9, 2014)

I've read a few of those articles before and I'm convinced that my STBX is a borderline or at least possesses several traits of BPD. To top it off, OM seems to be a narcissist so initially it seems like they are perfect for each other. I'm sure it will implode in due time I just want to make sure I am nowhere around when it does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

pidge70 said:


> Your W's disorder and mine are vastly different. Mine has little to do with "brain chemistry." Also, medication, if taken properly, can greatly help those with Bipolar. Medication doesn't do jack for me.


Whatever causes your particular "disorder", being a "disorder" means it's something that significantly interferes with major life activities. I expect it can be a real challenge to have a "disorder" but it's no birthday party living with someone who has one, either. Some people have conditions more controllable than others, but every bit of that is always subject to change. Signing on to be the spouse of someone with mental illness is a far different proposition than signing on just to be a husband or a wife. Not saying it's not worth it, but it's not for the weak.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

I'm diagnosed with BPD. Never cheated, very scared of being cheated on. Was single for 14 years, no sexual relations with anyone during that time either. I guess I must be a very weird borderliner then? In a group therapy for BPD I found that there are a lot of different people with the disorder. The only thing in common actually was that (negative) emotions were very intense for all of us and we needed a strategy to deal with them in a calm, healthy way. All of us got triggered/ upset very fast and very deeply. The rest of the personalities was just as different as with everyone else.

Basicly, having BPD has a bad reputation, but not all people having it are cheating spider women  It's more about lacking an adult way to deal with negative emotions.

Sincerely,

The Former Nun-like Borderliner, now being in a relationship and not cheating, no way!


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

I agree not all female BPDers are evil spiders. Mine was, she's an extreme BPDer and this site help me understand what was happening. It was a nightmare, drugs, sex, infidelity, B/W, push way -pull back in, no one to talk to, not many people would believe the unbelievable stories. I survived by getting out, it was ugly and hard, but the only option. Many evil BPD women do use sex and infidelity as a weapon, the damage they cause is a life time. Mine still hates me and she did it 3 more times. Ex beauty queen, used sex to draw then in, then destroy your self-confidence, esteem, money etc. If you saw 'Gone Girl' the scene where Ben Affleck compares notes with her Ex's, that hit home......


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> He changed it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not me. A mod, I guess. I couldn't find that function but change is a good one.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Uptown said:


> I agree, Strong. As I said, I believe Schreiber has written two blog articles that are insightful despite their flaws. My main problem with her views is not her lack of credentials but, rather, her distorted perception of female BPDers as "dangerous, diabolical" women who -- like poisonous spiders -- spin a deceptive web in which to trap innocent young men.
> 
> Many Nons (i.e., nonBPDers) are very critical of Schreiber's diatribes against female BPDers. A group of 7 BPDfamily members, for example, wrote a review of what likely is Schreiber's most popular blog article, called _"At Any Cost._" They were very critical of it. Specifically, their review concludes:_The article fails to deliver a balanced or realistic perspective on the relationship dynamics or how to deal with the breakup maturely. Instead, it provides a very black-and-white/good vs. evil plot, in which the person with the BPD traits is characterized as cunning, manipulative, self-serving and dangerous--while the partner (the intended reader) is painted as a well intentioned people pleaser who just wants to be loved. The language is vivid, with sexual overtones at times and a dehumanizing way of describing the woman with BPD. See _BPDfamily Review of Schreiber's "At Any Cost."
> ​If you are interested, Strong, BPDfamily has a web page devoted to Schreiber because she had sued them and she lost in court. See Shari_Schreiber.pdf. Moreover, a Site Director ("Skip") at BPDfamily writes:Schreiber's material, however, is not balanced and not at all helpful if you are trying to get a realistic understanding of your failed relationship, a balanced understanding the psychology of the disorder, hold a relationship together, or work with your child or spouse. She tends to describe the disorder more as evil and a character flaw also has a tendency to "sensationalize" and attribute extreme and psychopathic (ASPD) behavior to all people suspected of having BPD traits. See Which online resources are reputable?.​Yes, temper tantrums and rage are a classic warning sign for having strong BPD traits. Yet, a small portion of BPDers -- I would guess 5% to 10% -- are "quiet borderlines," i.e., the waif BPDers I referred to earlier. Instead of raging outwardly, they will punish their partners with passive aggressive remarks, cold withdrawal, and always being the poor, sickly victim who takes responsibility for nothing.
> ...


You are correct on both counts.

I suppose Schreiber's words do provide ammo to BS's affected by the more extreme BPDers who have serious dysfunction. And her words are not clinical, balanced or aimed at rehabilitation and recovery. They are fatalistic -- the BPDer is a caricature of sorts, a walking representation of an illness, someone who rarely seeks help and often rejects the help because they view themselves as fine. Sadly, that may very well be true in some/many cases. 

And my XW. Yes, that's accurate. Perhaps idealization and devaluation are simply the beginning and end stages of a relationship. But the high comorbidity between BPD and eating disorders left me guessing. And cheating on one's spouse is no light matter.. doing it twice (more, actually) is a pattern, but of what I'm not sure. Boredom and the excitement of something new and different is an extremely crappy reason to gamble away one's marriage and family. So selfishness, immaturity, boredom in an otherwise 'responsible adult' and 'good enough marriage'? Something's not right there. Okay, people like to be desired and validated, I get that. But if a person has already seen the pain he/she has caused Spouse #1 and allows that to happen again to Spouse #2, it's f'ed up.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Calibre1212 said:


> THE MALE BORDERLINE
> 
> My God!!!! You just gave me the "ticket" to my divorce case! God bless you always and forever!


You're welcome?

I do think this description must really 'click' for some people.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

catfan said:


> I'm diagnosed with BPD. Never cheated, very scared of being cheated on. Was single for 14 years, no sexual relations with anyone during that time either. I guess I must be a very weird borderliner then? In a group therapy for BPD I found that there are a lot of different people with the disorder. The only thing in common actually was that (negative) emotions were very intense for all of us and we needed a strategy to deal with them in a calm, healthy way. All of us got triggered/ upset very fast and very deeply. The rest of the personalities was just as different as with everyone else.
> 
> Basicly, having BPD has a bad reputation, but not all people having it are cheating spider women  It's more about lacking an adult way to deal with negative emotions.
> 
> ...


It sounds intense. That you can't turn those negative emotions off very well.

Maybe you avoided relationships because then you'd never have to face rejection and or abandonment? Were you celibate?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

staystrong said:


> I suppose Schreiber's words do provide ammo to BS's affected by the *more extreme BPDers *who have serious dysfunction.


No, Strong, my point is that Schreiber's words do not accurately describe BPDers -- _no matter how extreme their disorder is_. Even when a person has full-blown BPD, that person typically will NOT behave in the manner Schreiber describes.

The cold manipulation, calculating nature, and frequent lying that Schreiber mistakenly attributes to BPDers are actually the classic behavioral traits of narcissism (NPD) and sociopathy (ASPD). If BPDers generally were to exhibit these traits -- as Schreiber claims -- psychologists never would have created separate diagnostic categories for these other two personality disorders.

Granted, a significant portion of BPDers do exhibit these NPD and ASPD behavioral traits -- as is true for the general population. Likewise, a substantial portion of BPDers have blond hair and speak fluent Spanish. But exhibiting strong NPD or ASPD traits -- or being blond and speaking Spanish -- tells you nothing about most BPDers because those characteristics are not BPD traits. 

Rather, they are traits of a co-occurring personality disorder that some BPDers happen to have. A recent large scale study found that 32% of female BPDers also have co-occurring NPD and 9% of them have co-occurring ASPD. Yet, Schreiber would have you believe that 100% of BPDers exhibit the traits of full-blown narcissists and sociopaths.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

staystrong said:


> You're welcome?
> 
> I do think this description must really 'click' for some people.


The thing is I never diagnosed a male with this before and I saw most of these women having it as co-occurring in Addictions Treatment. It takes a long time to pin a personality DO on a client anyway. 

In my case I just never knew there were so many words to describe what I was living with for the past 17 years. It was like living in an eternal maze. I am amazed that I even tried to keep my family together under these circumstances. In the end, the BPD won but boy am I truly freed today 

Although some of what she says is contradictory...My X2B still is a pathological liar. She also speaks of "dissociation" which is another PD. In general I am cautious with "psychologists", they tend to be a bit over the top.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: Borderline Personality Disorder and infidelity*



staystrong said:


> It sounds intense. That you can't turn those negative emotions off very well.
> 
> Maybe you avoided relationships because then you'd never have to face rejection and or abandonment? Were you celibate?


Yes, that is just it. Out of fear of abandonment I avoided a relationship and yes I was celibate. The fear of abandonment still causes problems in my relationship, so I will start a new therapy on that soon.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

staystrong said:


> I do think this description [Schreiber's _"The Male Borderline"_] must really 'click' for some people.


Actually, Strong, it really clicks for a multitude of people, i.e., anyone living with an abusive partner. One reason is that Schreiber attributes nearly every offensive behavior known to mankind to BPDers. About the only obnoxious behaviors left off her list of BPD traits are passing gas while seated beside you on a sofa and smacking of lips while eating.

Another reason that Schreiber's blogs are so appealing to all abused partners is that they are filled with so many contradictory statements that, half the time, you will find her agreeing with whatever views you already hold. In _"The Male Borderline,"_ for example, she claims male borderlines _"generally present as commitment-phobes and *sex addicts"*_ [para. 9]. Similarly, she states, _"__The only kind of closeness/connection Casanova can usually muster once the relationship is underway, is *sexual*."_ Yet, half-way through that same blog, she claims _"__Contrary to popular belief, the borderline male isn't necessarily compulsively drawn to sex."_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

More psycho babble by an unqualified twit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Interestingly too, she disses everyone with a license: Behaviorists, Psychiatrists and Psychotherapists. This is how some "psychologists" (pretty egocentric) tend to be, she doesn't have a license because she needs a PhD to be called a psychologist; she doesn't have a license to call herself a clinical Social Worker (Psychotherapist) and she doesn't have a medical school degree to call herself a Psychiatrist...She is license-less, so she needs to justify herself by using the "healer" title. 

Otherwise, hers is contributing to the limited info out there about Male Borderlines in the real world...Which is, by far, better than nothing, as imperfect as some of it is. She hit the nail on the head more times than not, even on premat. ejac. Many of the psychologists I worked with obtained their degrees from unaccredited universities/colleges which gives them a complex. This one knows her stuff, right down to object-relations...Her ed may have been from an accredited school.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I found the read overly negative like all these BPD'ers should go to the gas chamber...... well......ok never mind.
She did hit a lot of the traits dead on. I'd rather be alone the balance of my life than go through what I did again.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

badcompany said:


> I found the read overly negative like all these BPD'ers should go to the gas chamber...


You'll find that generalization in many things people write about BPD'ers.
Also,many people will armchair diagnose their partner or ex partner as having BPD then proceed to lump them all together...so it's off to the gas chamber we all go.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> You'll find that generalization in many things people write about BPD'ers.
> Also,many people will armchair diagnose their partner or ex partner as having BPD then proceed to lump them all together...so it's off to the gas chamber we all go.


Yeah, no. I'll just weave my little spider web to catch all the "normal" people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

SB and Pidge, you're here and you admit having BPD. You are many steps ahead having that self-realization. Most don't. My personal experience with my BPD stbxw pushed me to the brink of not caring if I woke up the next day or not. IF she had been able to self-realize and seek help, and hadn't cheated I would have gave it a 2nd chance. Don't take it personal, those of us who have been thru having a BPD partner have every right to harbor the negative feelings they do.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Self realization and therapy don't keep a person from cheating. I still had an ea.I still needed feedback from random dudes so I could feel sexy and desirable when my husband "abandoned" me (he didn't abandon me.A normal person wouldn't take what happened as him abandoning me,something in my brain told me he did though). 

You can have all the self realization and therapy in the world but if you let yourself relax and if you don't constantly check yourself then you're leaving yourself vulnerable to expressing bpd behaviors. unfortunately,cheating is one of those stereotypical behaviors.

I will say this,having a PD is exhausting when you know you have one.It would almost be easier to have no self awareness and just do whatever and not give a damn.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

badcompany said:


> SB and Pidge, you're here and you admit having BPD. You are many steps ahead having that self-realization. Most don't. My personal experience with my BPD stbxw pushed me to the brink of not caring if I woke up the next day or not. IF she had been able to self-realize and seek help, and hadn't cheated I would have gave it a 2nd chance. Don't take it personal, those of us who have been thru having a BPD partner have every right to harbor the negative feelings they do.


Was your W actually diagnosed by a professional?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

pidge70 said:


> Was your W actually diagnosed by a professional?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Directly? No. When we went to counseling I was doing a lot of research. I didn't know who/what was at fault and I even told the counselor if it's me that is the problem don't dance around the issue, hit me with both barrels and I'll do what I need to. When I typed the traits I was seeing from her into google the BPD trait checklist kept coming up and it was like yep...yep...yep...so for my last one-on-one appointment I filled it in and attached behavior examples I'd witnessed and gave it to him. At our last group session he merely threw up his hands and said this isn't going to work I'm sorry. 
My family even saw the change, there was small red flags before, but after marriage and especially after our 1st child she was like a different person. I did my due diligence trying to fix and save my marriage, but there was nothing I could do but save myself. Unlike you two, she still admits no fault. She is the perfect little center of the world and all around her are wrong.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I could understand that SB, living life constantly trying to keep yourself in check can't be easy. Like trying to stick to a strict diet, but across all aspects of life not just one....I can't imagine.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

BPD...If you have it and you know it, clap your hands...A majority do not know it. At the end of the day or the last 17 years, I wasn't the one acting like little bo' peep who lost his p***s in a v***na and kept searching for it statewide. Am I angry? I guess I have a right to be. The worst part is being on a treadmill when you never asked to go on it in the first place but someone had the bright idea to PUT you on it. Please don't tell me I allowed it....I ALREADY know. So I got the hecks off it, okay? So no, I won't feel guilty for the way I feel for the goddamn insanity I lived through, just because there are clinically diagnosed BDPs here.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Who asked you to?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Typical....


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Calibre1212 said:


> Typical....


Funny, I was thinking the same thing when you decided to diagnose your stbx.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

pidge70 said:


> Funny, I was thinking the same thing when you decided to diagnose your stbx.


Why should anyone be so quick to dismiss one spouse or ex spouse's opinion when they suspect the other party may indeed have BPD traits or behavioral patterns. They are the ones who witness the REAL them in their rawest form, unlike a therapist who must rely on their ability to navigate the maze of a possible BPDer's mind without rupturing the emotional membrane between the white and black divider. One wrong comment or questions and like magic the patient or suspected individual is now gone.

After reading about BPD traits after my MC during a solo session suggested my wife exhibits several BPD traits it makes sense to conclude that BPD does make infidelity a stable path for them to travel on. They split black with ease so all of the other spouses wrongdoings are not only amplified but separated from all other aspects of the relationships past or altered to make it look as such. By challenging these issues once introduced they also reflect their anger right back onto their spouse due to the proven inability to admit blame or humility, which in turn provides them the excuse they are looking for to not only continue but graduate this other relationship since they are now convinced it is what is best for them, consequences be damned to who else is involved. 

Unfortunately BPD can and often appears to be intertwined with other mental health issues like obsessive compulsive disorder, depression or a plethora of anger issues. So in short BPD does not make people want or have affairs, it just makes the rationalizing infinitely easier for them to pursue one.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

IIJokerII said:


> Why should anyone be so quick to dismiss one spouse or ex spouse's opinion when they suspect the other party may indeed have BPD traits or behavioral patterns. They are the ones who witness the REAL them in their rawest form, unlike a therapist who must rely on their ability to navigate the maze of a possible BPDer's mind without rupturing the emotional membrane between the white and black divider. One wrong comment or questions and like magic the patient or suspected individual is now gone.
> 
> After reading about BPD traits after my MC during a solo session suggested my wife exhibits several BPD traits it makes sense to conclude that BPD does make infidelity a stable path for them to travel on. They split black with ease so all of the other spouses wrongdoings are not only amplified but separated from all other aspects of the relationships past or altered to make it look as such. By challenging these issues once introduced they also reflect their anger right back onto their spouse due to the proven inability to admit blame or humility, which in turn provides them the excuse they are looking for to not only continue but graduate this other relationship since they are now convinced it is what is best for them, consequences be damned to who else is involved.
> 
> Unfortunately BPD can and often appears to be intertwined with other mental health issues like obsessive compulsive disorder, depression or a plethora of anger issues. So in short BPD does not make people want or have affairs, it just makes the rationalizing infinitely easier for them to pursue one.


Well put.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Ummm, possibly because everyone exhibits BPD traits at one point or another. People are too quick on this forum to try and label their spouse to try and explain their irrational behavior. Not every woman that's a b!tch is a BPD'er. Just like every man that's an ass isn't a BPD'er.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Which is no different than the health care industry trying to label everyone as something, so they can bill them more for healthcare related issues (more Dr. appointments, medication, and therapies) as they now have a "reason" for their behavior and can write it off as that instead of personal responsibility. 

In this day and age we deal with everything by passing the buck to whatever label fits so we can "explain" and "justify" everything. Lots on here would rather go to the Dr and get medicine and diagnosed with something to excuse their behavior rather than take personal responsibility for it (no disrespect to those that have documented issues, but it just seems that we are quicker to diagnose the issues in this day than we were in the past, think about ADD/ADHD and school children, when growing up few had this diagnosis and now few don't have some variant of it).


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

For sure. He folds his toilet paper into neat little squares before use; as if China didn't already go through the trouble. Freak!!!!! 

Anyways, unless something changed, most health insurances do not cover PDs, they are a "write off" like a car after a head-on collision with the subsequent bent axle. That's why they can only go on Axis 2, unbillable.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Calibre1212 said:


> For sure. He folds his toilet paper into neat little squares before use; as if China didn't already go through the trouble. Freak!!!!!
> 
> Anyways, unless something changed, most health insurances do not cover PDs, they are a "write off" like a car after a head-on collision with the subsequent bent axle. That's why they can only go on Axis 2, unbillable.


Some are and some arent, Uptown has written several postings on this topic and when many people that do have mental health issues seek help they are often diagnosed "wrong" or not completely honest in order to keep the insurance money to keep coming in.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Indeed. Private-pay is the best bet for an accurate diagnosis. The insurance companies already know what is treatable and dictate the terms. They determine that a PD cannot exist alone, by itself because it is vastly untreatable; the prognosis is poor. They don't waste your money. They don't pay for psychoanalysis which is the only glimmer of hope treatment there is for PDs. That, takes YEARS; not 12 sessions. That's called Utilization Review. They are the head honchos, they run things.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

That being said, we are all broken people...Some of us in half, some quarters, some shattered, some smithereens ... Unfortunately there are some who decide you are only broken in half so they insist on "smithereen-ing" you, as they are, if you let them.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Re: Borderline Personality Disorder and infidelity*



staystrong said:


> Not me. A mod, I guess. I couldn't find that function but change is a good one.


I mod - ifed the title. And made a pun.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Some people may get wrongly labeled, others should have it written on their forehead. In my case what I was seeing and the nightmare I was living thru all came into focus when I discovered the signs of BPD list. I honestly didn't know what was going on and it was bad enough I was suspecting drugs before I stumbled upon BPD.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

IIJokerII said:


> They split black with ease so all of the other spouses wrongdoings are not only amplified but separated from all other aspects of the relationships past or altered to make it look as such. By challenging these issues once introduced they also reflect their anger right back onto their spouse due to the proven inability to admit blame or humility, which in turn provides them the excuse they are looking for to not only continue but graduate this other relationship since they are now convinced it is what is best for them, consequences be damned to who else is involved.


Sounds like WS behavior in general. 

Compartmentalization, blameshifting, justification...


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

staystrong said:


> Sounds like WS behavior in general.
> 
> Compartmentalization, blameshifting, justification...


No doubt, but I firmly believe the path to infidelity is but a step away vs a path when it concerns these very characteristics. A BPDer can thrive at work or other public social area's with great success, but when it concerns private matters this black/white rationale is completely chaotic and since a "normal" emotional affair can elicit these actions, seeing the new AP as a KISA vs the all bad spouse they married the result is amplified considerably.


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