# Too many female business contacts



## lv2dance (Aug 9, 2010)

Looking for some direction... 
I've been with my husband for 20yrs. We own our own business and this last 1.5 years have been a huge struggle, especially in the construction world. Since the whole world is texting he now gets a lot of his messages that way. 

One day I went into his phone to change his wallpaper to one of our kids photos. Totally innocent... In his messages I found 4 photo's of naked women. Showing parts of their body only their husbands should see. It turns out that one of the naked women is the the women who sent it and he knows the other women as well. Is this appropriate from a "business contact"? 
I confronted him about it and his response is "That's an old pic, I've seen it before". 
Really? How is that supposed to make me feel better? This is the same women that you conviently forget to call home when you are drinking with her and her friends. 

He says he is just playing their game and it's all in fun. Not a big deal! He was in the "Circle of Trust" with maybe 5 or more women, so would get a blanket text to everyone and sometimes they were naked pics. Is this really what we have to do to get work (And by the way, no work has come this way in over a year threw these ladies)? He supposedly asked to be removed from the circle. Not sure if I believe it.

Then in March, he tells me he has a new business contact that was referred by so and so... And all of a sudden there is a month of over 1000 min. of conversations and texting all day. It can't all be business and why can't you talk to me anymore. All I get is a to do list for the office. Then one night after drinking shots of Tequilla he says her name during an intense moment of love making. I said, "What did you just say"? And it was repeated. I removed myself at that point....

I'm totally scar'd from these two events. I don't think it's ok to know what someone looks like naked if you know their family and send them a Christmas card. It's totally different than porn. And as for the wrong name, he felt horrible and apologized, but anytime we are in that moment I hear him saying her name. 

How do I erase this from my brain, it's slowly making me a jealous crazy person. Help!


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

lv2dance said:


> How do I erase this from my brain, it's slowly making me a jealous crazy person. Help!


You know what is going on and can deny it if you wish. If erasing the obvious from your brain is what helps you cope with reality, your doctor has a lot of medications to prescribe that will work. The disrespect alone would make me crazy enough to leave.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Are you mad!. Your husband is laughing at you and you know what is happening and you are letting it happen.

DO NOT PUT UP with this, if you have the photo's send a copy to all his direct contacts including his family and friends. Then wait. If you do not have photo's, tell his family verbally that he is causing friction in your family as he is..... ... words to that effect. 

Your husband is either playing the field or looking for the opportunity and you are encouraging it by your lack of action.

Give him the riot act; in your best, composed, smile on the face, non emotional tone. Nothing else, no dialog - no two way conversation, you are not looking for his excuses this is you telling him he crossed the marital boundaries and it stops now.

He needs to be an open book and give you access to all, blocks their numbers etc. , he cannot go out with these people again even if it is business. He changes his behaviours.

If he declines well ... show him the door as he needs time to think about his wholly inappropriate behaviour and his future aspirations as a member of your family, if he declines that see a lawyer. Make it clear he needs to do a lot to build the trust in you marriage.. 


This may see like a little thing at the moment, his actions either will lead to an affair or he is in one at the moment.

Please do not let him mess with your head and do not trust his word, trust has to be evidenced for as any months as you feel appropriate.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Why don't my female business associates send ME their naked pictures????

Oh, I know why... it's inappropriate in a marriage and a business.

Make him earn your respect.


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## lv2dance (Aug 9, 2010)

I agree Wisp... And I have told him how inappropriate this is. This is the same man that for years said, "You have to keep church & state seperate". He is a residential electrican... Why can't we be dealing with the "Mr." in the house? 

I've thought about paying the extra $5.00 a month for parental control on his phone. Then I can block the numbers. None of these women have provided any income to my bank accounts. 

The sad thing is there's so much more to this too...


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I agree with Wisp on everything except sending the photos to his family and friends. The only reason I disagree with that is that it could cause problems for those people like it is causing problems for you two. 

I will say that in reference to your question of why can't you deal with the man of the house...sometimes that's not possible. Example: my boyfriend is a truck driver. He leaves for work at 4:30am and doesn't get home until sometimes 6 or 7 at night. He is our only income, and he only gets paid when working (paid per load, not per hour, so no vacation/personal time) I am a stay at home mom. So when we need things done around the house, or really just anything in general, I handle it. The problem is NOT that you aren't dealing with the man of the house, it's that you are dealing with women who have no respect for your marriage and a husband who also ahs no respect for your marriage. When I have to deal with a repairman or whatever, it's professional. It's "I need this done, how much?", they do it, I pay them, we never see each other again unless their work doesn't fix it, or I need them to do another job for me. 

If these women have provided no income to the business, then clearly they are not the "business contacts" he claims they are. As a residential electrician (which, by the way, my parents both are!), he does not need to build relationships to get business. His work consists of installing new homes, remodeling old homes, and fixing things that break/get old/etc. That's the basics, anyway, right? This is not like a financial company where they schmooze you to get you to give them your business. This is "hey, my ceiling fan won't come on when I flip the switch. Can you fix it?" "Sure. Let's see...oh, here's the problem. Fixed. $X, please. Thanks, have a nice day, call us if anything else breaks!". 

Don't let him keep doing this to you. Demand that things change. Tell him he cannot go out with these women anymore. Demand access to his email, phone, etc. and use that access. Eliminate their phone numbers from his phone, and check the phone records, online or on the bill in case he deletes them. Put your foot down. Normally, I'd say if you have to go as far as putting a parental control on their phone, you should just give up, but...if you really feel that's what you need to do, then maybe you should do it.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Even if they WERE providing income, naked pictures are over the top. he could find a better class of customers.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

“I've thought about paying the extra $5.00 a month for parental control on his phone. Then I can block the numbers. None of these women have provided any income to my bank accounts. “ --- DO SO , it will help ease your mind

”The sad thing is there's so much more to this too”... Not sure what you mean here, I guess there is something else happening or on your mind

Either way please

look after yourself. 

Always remember you are a wonderful person, a beautiful woman and a wife. It is not you who has gone down this path. 

So do look after your own well being. 

Best wishes... Wisp


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## ladylynn (Aug 14, 2010)

Can you tell us what else has transpired? It will gives us a better opportunity to give you advice if we know what you meant by there is more to this....

If you have to ask, you most likely know what is going on. The pics thing could be totally innocent even though it is totally inappropriate. He should respect that he is married and this is not something that you appreciate.

As far as saying her name during an intimate moment...hmmm. Honey that is totally not kosher!! What did he say? This would be a total dealreaker..These people have not brought in money, they are not business contacts!

As far as putting parental controls on his phone, I would not, you are not his mom. Plus don't you think he wuld figure it out and look for other ways to contact them.

I think you really know the answer and it may be to painful to hear, but you need to decide if this is what you want to live with. Are you happy? Would you be able to forgive and forget if he came clean? Has he gave you reasons in the past to not trust him at his word that these are contacts for his job?

Good luck and start thinking about you because you need to find what makes you happy.


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## patience6 (Aug 18, 2010)

My husband started to act very strange recently, he claims to be working late and having to go to boring dinners in order to get promoted, I am also pregnant with our first child, one night he reicved a text from a woman saying he'd better answer the phone, now I know none of my work mates would have the disrespect to text me in such a way, so I rang her back, it turns out whilst we have been financialy struggling he has been fine dining with her and god only knows who else. I wnet completly balistic at first as this is not the first time, somehow he always makes me feel like I am overreacting or that I am expecting something abnormal by expecting some fedelity, since then I have moved in with a fiend and he is still playing mind games with me, although I agree with not being disrespected you need to think about your ultimate goal. If you are really prepard to leave for good then give him heel as it's as clear as day what he has been up to, but if deep down like me you know your going to stay for whatever reason then let him know you know, and that you are the one rising above and satying cuz your getting something from the relationship..
sometimes it takes alot more strength to stay than to go, I wish you all the luck no matter what I do I cannot put it out of my mind, I find myself daydreaming about what the two of them must have been up to and it is heart breaking, if you do find away of blocking it out please let me know


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## lv2dance (Aug 9, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> I agree with Wisp on everything except sending the photos to his family and friends. The only reason I disagree with that is that it could cause problems for those people like it is causing problems for you two.
> 
> I will say that in reference to your question of why can't you deal with the man of the house...sometimes that's not possible. Example: my boyfriend is a truck driver. He leaves for work at 4:30am and doesn't get home until sometimes 6 or 7 at night. He is our only income, and he only gets paid when working (paid per load, not per hour, so no vacation/personal time) I am a stay at home mom. So when we need things done around the house, or really just anything in general, I handle it. The problem is NOT that you aren't dealing with the man of the house, it's that you are dealing with women who have no respect for your marriage and a husband who also ahs no respect for your marriage. When I have to deal with a repairman or whatever, it's professional. It's "I need this done, how much?", they do it, I pay them, we never see each other again unless their work doesn't fix it, or I need them to do another job for me.
> 
> ...


COLOR="Gray"]I totally agree, the women who texted pics to him has a husband that works out of state. It's her bizzare way of intertaining herself. I have access to all his stuff. The only thing I don't get to see is the text messages. I can see who call/texted but can't read them. He delete's them. 

I've confronted him on many occassions and said if you are erasing them you are hiding something. Right?[/COLOR]


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## lv2dance (Aug 9, 2010)

ladylynn said:


> Can you tell us what else has transpired? It will gives us a better opportunity to give you advice if we know what you meant by there is more to this....
> 
> If you have to ask, you most likely know what is going on. The pics thing could be totally innocent even though it is totally inappropriate. He should respect that he is married and this is not something that you appreciate.
> 
> ...


Well... As far as what he said to the wrong name inncident. I asked him what he had said and he repeated it. So I immediately stopped what we were doing. He is blaming it on an 8 hour meeting with a builder over margarita's and tequilla shots. And he assure's me he doesn't think of "her" that way, so it totally doesn't make any sence to him. He then sincerly apologized. But doesn't want it brought up again and every time I do he gets mad.

He's also made many BIG decissions without consulting me and trying to play some off as a surprise. So last August was a big one. He choose to accept a car (corvette) for payment instead of $$$. The surprise part was flying us to Texas to pick it up and drive it home. All nice, but in today's economy, it doesn't pay the bills... 

Since the car, he's changed his fashion, lost weight, and never wants to be home. We have 11 & 13 year boys, I say they need us around. He say they don't want to hang with their parents. While working as the general contractor for our friends house (they gave the payment of a car) he would go to the local bar for a cheap lunch. After going there for 6 month while working on this job he made a lot of new friends. I've met all of them and hung out with them too. He'd call me to meet him there occassional after I got off work. But since the job has ended in March, he finds a way to go there sometimes twice a day. Lunch & then again in the evening until sometimes 1 or 2 and this is during the week. 

One of our friends is going thru a divorce and my Husband as volentiered to be his wing man, so I'm not invited. This same man would go to bed at 8:30pm up until 4 years ago. 

Still more, but feel this is too long.


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## lv2dance (Aug 9, 2010)

patience6 said:


> My husband started to act very strange recently, he claims to be working late and having to go to boring dinners in order to get promoted, I am also pregnant with our first child, one night he reicved a text from a woman saying he'd better answer the phone, now I know none of my work mates would have the disrespect to text me in such a way, so I rang her back, it turns out whilst we have been financialy struggling he has been fine dining with her and god only knows who else. I wnet completly balistic at first as this is not the first time, somehow he always makes me feel like I am overreacting or that I am expecting something abnormal by expecting some fedelity, since then I have moved in with a fiend and he is still playing mind games with me, although I agree with not being disrespected you need to think about your ultimate goal. If you are really prepard to leave for good then give him heel as it's as clear as day what he has been up to, but if deep down like me you know your going to stay for whatever reason then let him know you know, and that you are the one rising above and satying cuz your getting something from the relationship..
> sometimes it takes alot more strength to stay than to go, I wish you all the luck no matter what I do I cannot put it out of my mind, I find myself daydreaming about what the two of them must have been up to and it is heart breaking, if you do find away of blocking it out please let me know


You're not over-reacting.... You just have to find out why he's getting his attention elsewhere. My Husband needs soooo much affection and is very needed. I know this but I'm so busy with his business stuff and a part-time job and the kids, I just don't have it on my brain to go please him. But at the same time, I don't think it's fair that he's sitting in a bar while I'm sitting in the home office. He comes home all lovey because he's relaxed from the Vodka. Ugh!
I hope we both find some comfort here on this wed site.


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