# BH writes: My regrets as a 46 year old, and advice to others at a crossroad



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

A sobering letter but IMO the BH is letting his wife off too easy for a 10 year affair. He is allowing himself to be gaslit. He describes his wife as empathetic - no empathetic person has a 10 year affair. He may not have been the beast husband but you have to be a really sh!tty person to cheat for 10 years REALLY sh!tty...

__________________________________________________

TIFU. More like more whole life really.

Hi, I my name's John. I've been lurking for a while, but I've finally made an account to post this. I need to get my life off my chest. About me. I'm a 46 year old banker and I have been living my whole life the opposite of how I wanted. All my dreams, my passion, gone. In a steady 9-7 job. 6 days a week. For 26 years. I repeatedly chose the safe path for everything, which eventually changed who I was.

Today I found out my wife has been cheating on me for the last 10 years. My son feels nothing for me. I realised I missed my father's funeral FOR NOTHING. I didn't complete my novel, travelling the world, helping the homeless. All these things I thought I knew to be a certainty about myself when i was in my late teens and early twenties. If my younger self had met me today, I would have punched myself in the face. I'll get to how those dreams were crushed soon.

Let's start with a description of me when I was 20. It seemed only yesterday when I was sure I was going to change the world. People loved me, and I loved people. I was innovative, creative, spontaneous, risk-taking and great with people. I had two dreams. The first, was writing a utopic/dystopic book. The second, was travelling the world and helping the poor and homeless. I had been dating my wife for four years by then. Young love. She loved my spontaneity, my energy, my ability to make people laugh and feel loved. I knew my book was going to change the world. I would show the perspective of the 'bad' and the 'twisted', showing my viewers that everybody thinks differently, that people never think what the do is wrong. I was 70 pages through when i was 20. I am still 70 pages in, at 46. By 20, I had backpacking around New Zealand and the Phillipines. I planned to do all of Asia, then Europe, then America (I live in Australia by the way). To date, I have only been to New Zealand and the Phillipines.

Now, we get to where it all went wrong. My biggest regrets. I was 20. I was the only child. I needed to be stable. I needed to take that graduate job, which would dictate my whole life. To devote my entire life in a 9-7 job. What was I thinking? How could I live, when the job was my life? After coming home, I would eat dinner, prepare my work for the following day, and sleep at 10pm, to wake up at 6am the following day. God, I can't remember the last time I've made love to my wife.

*Yesterday, my wife admitted to cheating on me for the last 10 years. 10 years. That seems like a long time, but i can't comprehend it. It doesn't even hurt. She says it's because I've changed. I'm not the person I was. What have I been doing in the last 10 years? Outside of work, I really can't say anything. Not being a proper husband. Not being ME. Who am I? What happened to me? I didn't even ask for a divorce, or yell at her, or cry. I felt NOTHING. Now I can feel a tear as I write this. But not because my wife has been cheating on me, but because I am now realising I have been dying inside. What happened to that fun-loving, risk-taking, energetic person that was me, hungering to change the world? I remember being asked on a date by the most popular girl in the school, but declining her for my now-wife. God, I was really popular with the girls in high school. In university/college too. But i stayed loyal. I didn't explore. I studied everyday.*

Remember all that backpacking and book-writing I told you about? That was all in the first few years of college. I worked part-time and splurged all that I had earned. Now, I save every penny. I don't remember a time I spend anything on anything fun. On anything for myself. What do I even want now?

My father passed ten years ago. I remember getting calls from mom, telling me he was getting sicker and sicker. I was getting busier and busier, on the verge of a big promotion. I kept putting my visit off, hoping in my mind he would hold on. He died, and I got my promotion. I haven't seen him in 15 years. When he died, I told myself it didn't matter what I didn't see him. Being an atheist, I rationalized that being dead, it wouldn't matter anyway. WHAT WAS I THINKING? Rationalizing everything, making excuses to put things off. Excuses. Procrastination. It all leads to one thing, nothing. I rationalized that financial security was the most important thing. I now know, that it definitely is not. I regret doing nothing with my energy, when I had it. My passions. My youth. I regret letting my job take over my life. I regret being an awful husband, a money-making machine. I regret not finishing my novel, not travelling the world. Not being emotionally there for my son. Being a damn emotionless wallet.

If you're reading this, and you have a whole life ahead of you, please. Don't procrastinate. Don't leave your dreams for later. Relish in your energy, your passions. Don't stay on the internet with all your spare time (unless your passion needs it). Please, do something with your life while your young. DO NOT settle down at 20. DO NOT forget your friends, your family. Yourself. Do NOT waste your life. Your ambitions. Like I did mine. Do not be like me.

Sorry for the long post, just had to get it out there.

TLR I realised I let procrastination and money stop me from pursuing my passions when I was younger, and now I am dead inside, old and tired.

Edit: I am quite overwhelmed at the response, thank you for your time. I had posted on a whim, and did not expect the reception.

In regards to my post, I must admit I was quite emotional at the time. As I read what I had written earlier, I can't stop myself from noticing an abundance of spelling and grammatical mistakes, phrases that I would not usually say. I don't think I have used Capital Locks so much in my life. However I will not edit them. That would not do it justice.

I have read many of the replies and will try my best to answer the reoccurring questions. I will add that the replies have given me a new perspective of life, Reddit and humanity in general. The amount of encouragement and humour persists to amaze me. Despite my situation, I even found myself laughing at a few of the comments.

*What my plans are. I am planning to cut down my hours substantially. I will take a new job if I have to, as I am relatively well-off. I am going to talk to my wife. Divorce is currently not what I have in mind and I hope that our communication and relationship will improve. If it doesn't, then so be it. We will both move on. I see there are quite a number of negative comments about her, however I am going to have to say in her defence, she really is a lovely person. She is smart, empathetic and has a great sense of humour. I'm not saying it was okay for her to do what she did, but she's not an evil person. I know that. We were both in the fault. We let communication dwindle, and with it, our relationship. There is so much more to being a head of house than just being able to bring in the money. A steady balance of emotional connection, love and finance is what I will strive to give.*

My son. I don't any anything about him. I really don't. I have unknowingly distanced myself from him; I only see him around dinner time. I do not recall having a proper conversation with him, it's quite preposterous now that I think about it. I'm not exactly sure how I'll start bonding with him, I have become quite a boring person. However, I plan to change that. I refuse to be a poor role model. I will ensure that he does not make the same mistake I did with my family. I have decided I am going to start watching his basketball games and rugby games on Saturdays. I never have, due to work, but I will ensure that I do. Perhaps I will even play video games with him. There was a time I had a collection of SNES games, and I wasn't half bad either. Who knows, I might really connect with my son, and it seems to be something he enjoys.

In regards to the novel and travelling, I admit, I am a different person from my youth. I no longer have the creativity and desire to complete the novel. When I found the long-forgotten 70 pages, the writing was no longer mine. I have changed substantially in 26 years. I am sorry to disappoint as so many of you seemed incredibly keen to read it. However, I am just as excited to read the stories of all of you aspiring writers that have expressed their passion! The travelling, I might still do. Family trips probably, in the school holidays. Maybe with my wife every now and then, if she'd have me.

I can't turn back time and see my father for a final time, though my mother is still alive. She lives in London, so visits are quite difficult. However, I will make an effort to see her. I do love my parents. I only wish I had not prioritised them as I did.

In regards to the advice I have given. I stand by what I said. Live your life. Do not procrastinate and let lethargy stop you. However, I might add, avoid living in poverty. I have had the good fortune to have had never experienced hunger or homelessness. I would imagine chasing your ambitions and being happy would be considerable more difficult without proper nutrition and living standards! I believe someone mentioned their dream was financial stability. I say, that is just as valiant as any dream to have. We are all different and are missing different things in our lives, be honest with yourself and you'll know what you really want. I believe there were arguments upon my language and university/college or what not. I will clarify that, although Australians generally call tertiary education 'university' here, I have made small efforts to pertain to Americans, as they are the main users, at least I assume. And yes, university/college was free when I attended. I believe Australians now are able to attend them relatively free (upfront) and can pay their fees after they graduate.

I believe I have covered the general scope of questions.

P.S. Thank you for the gold, I do appreciate it, but they aren't of real value to me. Perhaps if Reddit ever includes a re-gifting gold feature, I will gift them to some of the commenters. And yes, please stop sending me gold! I also believe someone tried to even donate to me? I assure you, money is not what I read. Please save it for yourself!

I don't think I'll come back to Reddit, unless i hear about a way to re-gift gold. I thank you all for your sympathy, your time, and I wish all the best for those in difficult situations. I have faith in your capacity and ability to change, to become happy, to help yourselves. Because after all, you're the person in the best position to. And no, I am not considering religion, I just do not have the correct mindset. I am logical to the point that I cannot, however that is not to say religion isn't bad, it gives people the hope and sense after death which I really do envy.

Sincerest of Regards,

John.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

One more observation we frequently hear how the WS was unhappy but we never explore how the BS was dying inside as well but they didn't cheat...this guy as a banker could have had fling after fling but apparently did not do that..I say he should cut his loses with his wife and stop making excuses for her, leave his job - try to repair the breach with his son and enjoy his life - he has a lot of living left to do..


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

What a sucker.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> What a sucker.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He seems like a broken man - he really needs to just walk away from everything except his son...there is no fvcking excuse for a 10 year affair...


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

A lot of what this guy has to say makes me think of my STBXH. Totally lost himself in his job, lost touch with his family, wasn't there for his parents when his dad died. I found reading this perspective very interesting. My H wasn't this bad for so long but definitely the same in how he let the job take over so completely that he lost touch with everything he had ever wanted to be. In our case he was the one who ended up cheating instead of me but still so, so similar.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

theworkwidow said:


> A lot of what this guy has to say makes me think of my STBXH. Totally lost himself in his job, lost touch with his family, wasn't there for his parents when his dad died. I found reading this perspective very interesting. My H wasn't this bad for so long but definitely the same in how he let the job take over so completely that he lost touch with everything he had ever wanted to be. In our case he was the one who ended up cheating instead of me but still so, so similar.


That is so often the case in life...and in the end all this guy has left is brokenness...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> He seems like a broken man - he really needs to just walk away from everything except his son...there is no fvcking excuse for a 10 year affair...


I did not read his wife's take on it but if I can extrapolate from other workaholic partners, if she was neglected, ignored, etc there's no reason for him to expect she would stick around.

You can survive and even thrive at work working 40 hours a week.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

john117 said:


> I did not read his wife's take on it but if I can extrapolate from other workaholic partners, if she was neglected, ignored, etc there's no reason for him to expect she would stick around.
> 
> You can survive and even thrive at work working 40 hours a week.


Should he expect her to stick around - no Should he expect that if she did stick around she would not cheat for 10 years - fvck yes,...that goes straight to her character that she was willing to live off of his paychecks and fvck another man for a decade....not a good person...


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

I'm not trying to be argumentative, nor am I trying to push my beliefs on you, but why are you an atheist? You need spiritual healing in order to get back that zest for life. I, too, had a hollow feeling I couldn't put my finger on for the first 44 years of my life. An emptiness that I couldn't figure out. I was doing everything I thought I was supposed to be doing, and I thought I had a "sense" of happiness, but...I really didn't have a purpose. I was married to a wonderful woman, had two beautiful daughters, had a good job, a good social life, yet I couldn't shake that little void I had. I needed help, not only for myself, but for my family. I didn't know where to look for it, either. I ended up going to a Baptist church just to watch a well-reviewed play, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Needless to say, I found what had been missing, filled that empty feeling, and at 54 I am happier than I have EVER been.

Just my thoughts..., and I pray you get your life turned around.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

My STBXH worked 100+ hour weeks for the last two years. I didn't cheat, I finally got fed up, got myself a lawyer, and started divorce proceedings! If she was that unhappy she could have done the same.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Should he expect her to stick around - no Should he expect that if she did stick around she would not cheat for 10 years - fvck yes,...that goes straight to her character that she was willing to live off of his paychecks and fvck another man for a decade....not a good person...


I know, but he should reflect on himself a lot more...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Feel bad for him that he thinks this is the best he can do

I wonder what his excuse for her will be the next time she cheats.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Feel bad for him that he thinks this is the best he can do
> 
> I wonder what his excuse for her will be the next time she cheats.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is a 10 fvcking year affair...the woman has little or no conscience since she is still blameshifting...you know I dont see how you can forgive and reconcile after a 10 year affair I just don't....


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

theworkwidow said:


> My STBXH worked 100+ hour weeks for the last two years. I didn't cheat, I finally got fed up, got myself a lawyer, and started divorce proceedings! If she was that unhappy she could have done the same.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

No bloody way.... Man, but this gentle man is broken beyond repair i am afraid. After ten yearS?!!! how can he reconcile any of that? I agree, he should cut his losses, but i fear he feels that he already lost his entire life. He just wants to hang on to repair a sunken ship. Most people don't want to bother with the effort of salvaging a sunken wreckage, besides that wreck doesn't have any gold on it.... Nothing of value after ten years of her cheating..... Man...sucks


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

threelittlestars said:


> No bloody way.... Man, but this gentle man is broken beyond repair i am afraid. After ten yearS?!!! how can he reconcile any of that? I agree, he should cut his losses, but i fear he feels that he already lost his entire life. He just wants to hang on to repair a sunken ship. Most people don't want to bother with the effort of salvaging a sunken wreckage, besides that wreck doesn't have any gold on it.... Nothing of value after ten years of her cheating..... Man...sucks


And the WW does not appear to feel particularly bad about cheating for 10 years..


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

​


john117 said:


> I know, but he should reflect on himself a lot more...


Agree 100% - he is at a crossroads - he should settle up with the wife and move on and repair himself and work on his relationship with is son..


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Truthseeker1 said:


> And the WW does not appear to feel particularly bad about cheating for 10 years..



Thats precisely why there is nothing to salvage. She is worthless to him without remorse....and after ten years? That is an entire relationship! That is anniversaries and birthdays... that is a second life. **** that... Let her go man. No...boot her right in the ass.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

John said:


> I didn't complete my novel, travelling the world, helping the homeless.


This guy seemed like a doormat long before his wife showed up.

His wife was just a predator who found a rube to take advantage of.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

My read is that he's a pleaser.

Wanted to please his wife with $. Wanted to please his kid with stuff. Wanted to please his boss with hours and effort.

And when none of that is working out, now he wants to please his wife and kid with hours and effort.

I sincerely hopes he starts figuring out what he really wants from life. Because deserving to be divorced is not the same as deserving to be cheated on for a decade.

And if he's really working on making himself better, that would be damn hard while married to someone that doesn't deserve better.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

john117 said:


> I know, but he should reflect on himself a lot more...


Huh?
His entry post has so much "reflection" it burns my eyes. He FU, and he says so.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

At 46 you still have a LONG time to go, usually. If you say I'm going to do the things I love, spend time with my son, you literally have 30 years of quality time, with lessor quality but still a number of years after that, usually.

My point, to sit and think it is all over, I really missed the opportunity that passed my by, is to just continue wallowing in the self pity I see thru out the letter. IT IS NEVER TO LATE.

(this from a guy who found his w was having an affair after 30 years of marriage, because she said he was to busy working (I wasn't) that was just her excuse)


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Hoosier said:


> At 46 you still have a LONG time to go, usually. If you say I'm going to do the things I love, spend time with my son, you literally have 30 years of quality time, with lessor quality but still a number of years after that, usually.
> 
> My point, to sit and think it is all over, I really missed the opportunity that passed my by, is to just continue wallowing in the self pity I see thru out the letter. IT IS NEVER TO LATE.
> 
> (this from a guy who found his w was having an affair after 30 years of marriage, because she said he was to busy working (I wasn't) *that was just her excuse*)


Thats all it was a lousy excuse...the gentlemen in the letter provided his wife wiht a comfortable lifestyle and he worked so many hours she found time to date - so she had the bes tof both worlds for a fvcking decade...imagine that - hes off to work on Saturday and she off to her lovers house...he needs to kick her a** to the curb and move on - a spouse who has been unfaithful for a decade is really not someone to waste anymore time on.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> My read is that he's a pleaser.
> 
> Wanted to please his wife with $. Wanted to please his kid with stuff. Wanted to please his boss with hours and effort.
> 
> ...


He does seem to be a real pleaser - his wife had a nice lifestyle and a boyfriend for a decade - nice deal for her dont you think? He is not responsible for her lack of any decency - he needs to fix himself and realize he deserves more out of life and leave her far behind...


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

john117 said:


> I did not read his wife's take on it but if I can extrapolate from other workaholic partners, if she was neglected, ignored, etc there's no reason for him to expect she would stick around.
> 
> You can survive and even thrive at work working 40 hours a week.


Yes, but that is just it: She did stick around, ostensibly to enjoy cake. She liked the $$.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

When one discovers one's spouse has had a ten-year-long affair one becomes depressed.

When one becomes depressed, one writes stuff like that.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sad fact is...some men, like this guy, have talked themselves into believing that they do not deserve anything better. Or, that no one else but their cheating spouse could ever love them.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> When one discovers one's spouse has had a ten-year-long affair one becomes depressed.
> 
> When one becomes depressed, one writes stuff like that.


I was just going to post something like this.

He is in trouble. He needs help. He can't see that he still has plenty of life to look into his dreams. 

In my mind, he believed he was doing the right things. She may have even told him they needed more money, so she could have more time for her pursuits. Who knows? 

It's even likely she could have a bank account somewhere with a load of money in it. She could have all she needs after his working so hard. I've seen it, personally. Live on a tighter budget than necessary, no or low cost vacations, and less expensive clothing, just so she can stash away her own little nest egg for her future. 

Does she deserve to be taken care of? Well, a SAHM surely does, but this is over the top. I hope he gets the help he needs. He's lost. He doesn't know who he is or what he should believe any more. All he believed in was an incredible lie. 

I really feel for him. He can't find his purpose. I'm there right now and have been since 2011. I'm still, yes still trying to figure out WTF I am doing and most importantly why? Who cares? None of it is worth it. What a waste. 

Yeah, he got boned. He would have been better off not ever getting married, but hindsight is always twenty-twenty. 

Thanks for the interesting article. I always look forward to reading your threads. They make me think about things I hadn't considered.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

I read the original post and I can't help feeling for both of them. Can you imagine living in such an emotional void. What a sad waste of life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

And did she encourage him to give up his dreams?

Of course she did!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

bfree said:


> I read the original post and I can't help feeling for both of them. Can you imagine living in such an emotional void. What a sad waste of life.


Can you explain further? 

The way I see it, she could easily have gotten a divorce, likely with alimony and half of marital assets without even lifting more than a pen, and using the money he made at his job to get it, rather than choosing to live in that emotional void. Besides, wasn't it more like living the life than an emotional void? If not, why wouldn't she get divorced to pursue a real marriage?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Truthseeker1 said:


> A sobering letter but IMO the BH is letting his wife off too easy for a 10 year affair. He is allowing himself to be gaslit. He describes his wife as empathetic - no empathetic person has a 10 year affair. He may not have been the beast husband but you have to be a really sh!tty person to cheat for 10 years REALLY sh!tty...
> 
> __________________________________________________
> 
> ...


I am going to say something PROFOUND. I do not take ownership of this true anecdote.

A business owner had a super-guy and family-man driving a truck for him. The driver had to handle very heavy cargo [man handle] on a daily basis. He threw out his back many times. He begged the store owner to allow him to come into the store and work the retail counter, inside. He begged for years. He begged for years to get a younger guy to do his job. The owner strung him along for years. The poor broken down driver finally quit. The store owner was very miffed. He said "Well, I got the best years out of him". 

Hearing this made me cringe. I never forgave the store owner and avoided him like the plague for years.

BH..........listen to me.....You got the best years out of her. Dump the worn out, morally bereft trumpet. Let her decadent-decade-long short-shrifter-lover carry her stinking piss water. 

I never thought that I could ever put a good spin on "store owners" selfish saga. 

I would gather all my belongings and goods and freakin vanish. 

Yea, Yea, after all jointly owned "stuff" is divvied-up. I would not pay any alimony, even if I agreed to it for the divorce.

Some south sea island will look good to a 46 year old divorcee.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Can you explain further?
> 
> The way I see it, she could easily have gotten a divorce, likely with alimony and half of marital assets without even lifting more than a pen, and using the money he made at his job to get it, rather than choosing to live in that emotional void. Besides, wasn't it more like living the life than an emotional void? If not, why wouldn't she get divorced to pursue a real marriage?


No, you're right. There wasn't any excuse to cheat. But in reading his posts it seems that not only did he sacrifice his dreams but he locked his emotions away in a box. I can almost imagine her torn because if you go by the nuts and bolts of it he is a good husband. I can see her telling herself that he does everything right, everything a husband should do except feel. But in actuality they weren't living, they were only existing. The son too. I can see her rationalizing that her cheating didn't matter because he was an emotionless lump of clay. I can see her convincing herself that cheating allowed her to cope with a dead passionless marriage. It was a horrible selfish decision to make. No excuse is acceptable. But even he admits that he feels nothing in regard to her cheating. That's what I mean. I'm not condoning what she did. I'm not excusing what she did. I'm just saying that I see that path, I see the fork in the road that she came upon. I just wish she'd been able to look down that road and see the ramifications of her choices.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Why does this happen to many men?
My H has gotten himself onto that work treadmill and I know the importance of earning money for the family, but its as if they lose all sense of balancing the things that matter (i.e. relationships, family, etc) with their work. The ego trip of the prestige and recognition also supersedes everything else.
Once i stopped planning holidays, short getaways, nights out, my marriage went into a tail spin really fast. I realised I was the only one carrying the relationship. Why does this happen, is it because men are lazy and presumptuous, where did the OP think it would end?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Huh?
> His entry post has so much "reflection" it burns my eyes. He FU, and he says so.


It's too superficial, too "I martyred myself and look at what it got me".

He made the decision to sell his soul to the corporate devils. That's about it. He was "driven" from day one. 

Some of us knew this from day one. And acted accordingly. II have 31 years with the same company, and rarely work more than 40 hours a week. And if I do it's paid. 

The guy realized he FU'd but not why he FU'd. That's why I see it as superficial.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

aine said:


> Why does this happen to many men?
> My H has gotten himself onto that work treadmill and I know the importance of earning money for the family, but its as if they lose all sense of balancing the things that matter (i.e. relationships, family, etc) with their work. The ego trip of the prestige and recognition also supersedes everything else.
> Once i stopped planning holidays, short getaways, nights out, my marriage went into a tail spin really fast. I realised I was the only one carrying the relationship. Why does this happen, is it because men are lazy and presumptuous, *where did the OP think it would end?*


In divorce court perhaps but not her shagging a guy for 10 years while she enjoyed the lifestyle he provided.
@bfree I hear what you are saying - can you imagine being so numb and unhappy that your wife's 10 year affair can't break through your numbness - what a sad case.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Maxo said:


> Yes, but that is just it: She did stick around, ostensibly to enjoy cake. She liked the $$.


That should bother him way more than her dropping her drawers to her affair buddies. But it didn't. Another example of how superficial his thinking is.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Thanks for the interesting article. I always look forward to reading your threads. They make me think about things I hadn't considered.


Thanks I'm glad you liked the article. I first heard about it on a podcast I was listening to - the podcaster read it as a warning to live your dreams and not let the undertow of life drown you - but the BHs willingness to take on even one iota of blame for his wifes affair - a 10 year affair - made the story even sadder...there are a few lessons in the guys story...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

bfree said:


> No, you're right. There wasn't any excuse to cheat. But in reading his posts it seems that not only did he sacrifice his dreams but he locked his emotions away in a box. I can almost imagine her torn because if you go by the nuts and bolts of it he is a good husband. I can see her telling herself that he does everything right, everything a husband should do except feel. But in actuality they weren't living, they were only existing. The son too. I can see her rationalizing that her cheating didn't matter because he was an emotionless lump of clay. I can see her convincing herself that cheating allowed her to cope with a dead passionless marriage. It was a horrible selfish decision to make. No excuse is acceptable. But even he admits that he feels nothing in regard to her cheating. That's what I mean. I'm not condoning what she did. I'm not excusing what she did. I'm just saying that I see that path, I see the fork in the road that she came upon. *I just wish she'd been able to look down that road and see the ramifications of her choices*.


That fork started years prior to the one she came upon. They both agreed at some point long before the fork where she chose to numb her loneliness with an affair(s) for ten, not months, but ten years. At what point did it possibly occur to her that this was okay and what allowed her to come to that conclusion. 

You know, it's easy to lose yourself in a dream of having a better life through work. It's easy when your spouse tells you it's what they want too. Maybe it was something that they dreamed of in their future, like retiring to an island? Who knows? I don't, but I know it was likely not his decision alone that made him choose to start working those hideous hours. It wasn't just something he decided, on his own, but surely spoke to her about at least once early on. 

My belief is they both chose that path until they lost themselves and it was so "normal" it felt good to have something that they could count on in their lives. They just didn't know how to change it or even know it was bad for their marriage/relationship.

Then, there were opportunities and suggestions. There were buried feelings that came alive with some much needed attention. That was when the trees opened and the fork you are suggesting appeared. Unless there is opportunity there beckoning, you don't see the fork. 

I'm not condoning him or attempting to blame one in particular. They are both at fault for not knowing they would be intentionally killing the love they had for each other and thereby killing themselves. Now, they have to figure out who they are and what they want, and start all over, again.

It's sad, really.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

john117 said:


> That should bother him way more than her dropping her drawers to her affair buddies. But it didn't. Another example of how superficial his thinking is.


It may be, like many betrayed, he is so traumatized that his defense mechanism is numbness.
We do not have the full story here. Who knows why his wife stayed and began having sex with another guy. She may have loved his absence and the money he made.
If she was a stay at home mom, with just the one kid, she must have had a lot of leisure time with this arrangement.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

BH writes: as a 46 year old he has regrets and wants to give advice to others at a crossroad.

The OP, John, wants to warn others about regrets. Here below are just a few of the descriptions of his life:



> I rationalized that financial security was the most important thing.
> I regret being an awful husband, a money-making machine. I regret not finishing my novel, not travelling the world.* Not being emotionally there for my son.* Being a damn emotionless wallet.
> I let procrastination and money stop me from pursuing my passions when I was younger, and now *I am dead inside*, old and tired.


He sure has a lot of regrets but his post may do someone some good. As someone has already mentioned it is easy to look to money, and career as something extremely important because it is. However, like everything else it must be in the right priority and balance and John failed on both so far. I was looking for something positive in this post and the first thing that popped into my mind is that John lays out the truth about his choices and results. That can be a very positive if others that think about what this posts points out and realizes what devastating consequences his choices have brought to his life. *If they refuse to follow his path or change if they are following his path now that will be very positive!*

I know that John does not want to hear anything that is contrary to his atheism but here is some advice that I think is also worth contemplating. This adds to John's warning on what to look to avoid.

*Mark 8:36

36 For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?*

If John wants to ignore the spiritual word of “soul” then he can substitute soul for; lose his own son, his wife, his dreams and his deadness inside to name a few.

IF John reads this I have another spiritual story that may somewhat apply to John and his son. The prodigal son is found in Luke 15. You do not have to be a Bible lover to get some good out of some truths.

The story condensed is that the son wanted his father’s money because he thought that the money would fulfill his dreams and make him contented. Me took the money and went to fulfill his desires. When he finally came to his senses he came back to his father with his head low and feeling not worthy to be his son. *When his father saw him coming home he RAN to him and KISSED him and threw him a big celebration party*. That was not the norm in that culture but the dad was so touched in his soul that he did not care about cultural norms he just was overjoyed that his son came home.

In your case you may use this story to give you hope. *You can substitute yourself for the son because you sought money and left your family emotionally.* Now that you are coming to your senses you see things differently because your money did not fulfill you and you now want to get closer to your son. In your son’s case he can take the story and substitute himself for the father. *If your son loves and forgives, like the father in the story, he can come running back to you or he may come walking but either way you both will be the better for it.*

The hope that this story may give you is that your son may take on the attitude of the father and say what the biblical father said below.

*This brother of yours was dead. And now he is alive again. He was lost. And now he is found.
*

*John you were dead inside but you can live again. You were lost but you can be found if your son uses a little amazing grace.*

John, I am not trying to force you to convert to the faith of the Bible. That is not my job but I cannot help but feel for you. Also, you are only 46 and have a lot of life left. I was in my 40s when I felt the full impact of my wife’s betrayal. I gained the most in my personal life in my 40s and 50s. *I am eternally grateful to God that my son (my prodigal son) came home after 10 years in the drug and gang world and now has been living with us for the last 8 years! *He is clean and sober and is funny and smart and he definitely loves my wife and me.

My son was lost but now he is found; Amazing Grace! *I have a few regrets in my life also but the positives that have been in my life beginning in my 40s until this very day far outweigh the regrets.*


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Maxo said:


> It may be, like many betrayed, he is so traumatized that his defense mechanism is numbness.
> We do not have the full story here. Who knows why his wife stayed and began having sex with another guy. She may have loved his absence and the money he made.
> If she was a stay at home mom, with just the one kid, she must have had a lot of leisure time with this arrangement.


And in the D she will get a nice chunk of his money - he wasted his life at the bank - she ran around for 10 years - she will be handsomely compensated for her "misery"


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> BH writes: as a 46 year old he has regrets and wants to give advice to others at a crossroad.
> 
> The OP, John, wants to warn others about regrets. Here below are just a few of the descriptions of his life:
> 
> ...


I do think the gentleman who wrote the letter is facing a midlife crisis and his wifes affair and his sons issues are just compounding what would have already been a tough time in his life. He needs to ditch the wife, reconnect with the son and move on...


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

He is not an Aussie even though he makes some lame excuse for using the word "College" instead of Uni. Bankers here do not work 6 days that plus his American spelling and terminology makes me think this is all fictional.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> In divorce court perhaps but not her shagging a guy for 10 years while she enjoyed the lifestyle he provided.
> 
> @bfree I hear what you are saying - can you imagine being so numb and unhappy that your wife's 10 year affair can't break through your numbness - what a sad case.


Sounds like a deep depression to me that level of numbness given the circumstances. "My wife's cheated on me for ten years" does not warrant a shrug of the shoulders and an "oh well" response.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Truthseeker1 said:


> He does seem to be a real pleaser - his wife had a nice lifestyle and a boyfriend for a decade - nice deal for her dont you think? He is not responsible for her lack of any decency - he needs to fix himself and realize he deserves more out of life and leave her far behind...


As I read this article all I heard in my head was "like me! like me! like me!"


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Sounds like a deep depression to me that level of numbness given the circumstances. "My wife's cheated on me for ten years" does not warrant a shrug of the shoulders and an "oh well" response.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think it was everything coming to a head in his life at once...a lot to deal with at the same time...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> As I read this article all I heard in my head was "like me! like me! like me!"


I related to his sense of overhelmng regret....tha tis a bitter pill to swallow...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I related to his sense of overhelmng regret....tha tis a bitter pill to swallow...


I get it. I think he knows he needs to change. 

I just think he needs to go deeper than he is.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

I don't mean to interject some realism from a different perspective but I'd say he got roped into the whole concept of making money for his family cause of other's demands, and given the textures of his writing description I'd say the OP's story is more or less authored by the testimony of his wife and her blame shifting. I would bet dollars to roaches that in all attempts for him to explain his long hours of working, no matter how beneficial, she instituted the old " Well, no one asked you to work all those hours"... Never mind the possible financial demands bestowed upon him for their lifestyle. 

This guy is completely deflated, and it matter's not his age or stage in life. I will attest that time together is always better than time apart, but the "Team" concept seems to not apply here. If he was working lots of hours, keeping him away, what steps of communication were taken to express her dissatisfaction of this work practice? Did she volunteer to seek employ to free him up? Was the budget adjusted so he could work less?.. Hug's and kisses are great... Till the power bill gets turned off, and well, then, gee... Hmm, Just squeeze harder I guess, might be able to generate some love watt's!! Yes, that last bit is direct sarcasm.

This is another paradigm of the other side of the financial coin.. Again, dollar's to roaches, had he worked less, not had as much money and was a family man it would appear that eventually the words "Safe, secure, stable" would've been the catalyst for this affair. Admittedly, this is speculation as I do not have privy to their finances. 

I do agree, this guy seems to be a pleaser, but should he just accept his betrayal for this so called fault.. I know if I was in a bad spot of life and someone helped me I would not opine this individual with a label of disgust for being a "Pleaser".. Good character respect's the efforts of those who are willing to help them. It will take year's but hopefully his personal integrity will understand this and he can learn to accept himself again.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Can I revoke his man card from the other side of the world?

Otoh, the whole thing kind of reads like his novel. Not sure of the veracity of that whole thing.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

IIJokerII said:


> This guy is completely deflated, and it matter's not his age or stage in life. work practice? Did she volunteer to seek employ to free him up?.
> 
> Again, dollar's to roaches, had he worked less, not had as much money and was a family man it would appear that eventually the words "Safe, secure, stable"* would've been *the catalyst for this affair.
> 
> I do agree, this guy seems to be a pleaser, but should he just accept his betrayal for this so called fault.


Read his DAMN words. How can anyone say this guy is emotionless! 

I agree, she is a cheater and would have cheated on him even if he did not work so much.

The husband has vibrant thinking and strong introspection. He is not an emotional slug. He is taking all the blame here. Much of it is [about him], OK. 

He is rationalizing, not wanting to think his wife could be so flippantly selfish. That WW is so, what?....TWO FACED! 

Yes, he is numb. Others duly noted that he is crushed in the moment and is not emotionally here, in the present tense. What do you bozo's expect. He is hurt beyond hurt and HE shoulders the blame? !

The wife blame-shifted and Mr. Nice Guy willingly took it on himself. 

Yes, he is a stupid martyr. 

I like martyrs better than cheaters, any day. 

He is stupid because he did not know his wife was riding another man's bone on his dime. He is naïve and stupid, because he thought she is so-nice and caring. A good wife and partner. Makes me want to puke! 

He has strong [to me] warm feelings and I guarantee he showed this side of him these last 10 years. You cannot be sometimes warm and sometimes introspective. He sounds introverted. That is not a fault. 

He had to have a lot of good qualities. His wife did not bail on him and divorce. She [continually]* acted *like the perfect wife. What a hypocrite. 

He wears his failings on his shoulders. His wife, not doing so. 

She too projected HIS failings onto HIS shoulders.

No, none on hers. That is conjecture. Likely only lip service to her own shortcomings. You notice on the post that he does not criticize her. How is that possible? 

The Good Guy gets trampled [snookered] by the selfish Cake-eater. 

The crowd piles on the BH. Great, just great. What is it that you learn here at TAM? 

Go ahead and stick to your own agendas and your own biases. 

Justice rarely prevails on this planet. I like the underdog, when they are relatively and logically untarnished. 

For the WS, the marriage somewhat stunk, was somewhat un-fulfilling. 

She lived out this marriage by cutting and pasting. She cut out the part that she did not like [husband] pasted in the OM. 

The pasted [in] wife did everything else nicely for the crowd and family. She fooled her husband. Ha Ha.

The guy still thinks the wife is nice. God help kind people. Wolves eat their lunch. 

I am done with this post...........!!


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Our parents and society puts so many expectations on us. Hands up those who didn't follow your dreams. You are NOT alone. 

*You're only 46. . .* If you kept working you'd have another 20 years to go. So quit the damn job and follow your dreams *NOW*.

If you don't think you have enough money yet, scale down, buy a smaller house blah blah. 
*You can't buy time* which you are now realising, albeit it in an unusual way, that is WS' A.
Because if you genuinely want to follow your dreams and you are not just navel gazing, that's what you'll do. 

As for your marriage, you seem so ho hum about it, as in 'whatever happens, happens', kinda half-baked. I don't mean that as a criticism. It's just that I've never seen a BS so ho hum or unemotional about an A on TAM. Maybe WS feels the same. So you guys can just go your separate ways. Following your dreams may not be in accord with what she wants to do. So it may work out well if you are both ho hum.

Your main anguish was about not following your dreams. And to be honest, realising you've passed the half-way mark. It's called a midlife crisis. 

So what's stopping you. . .


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Can I ask something without offending anyone?

Are all posters on Reddit idiots?


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Can I ask something without offending anyone?
> 
> Are all posters on Reddit idiots?


Yup


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

********** said:


> Our parents and society puts so many expectations on us. Hands up those who didn't follow your dreams. You are NOT alone.
> 
> *You're only 46. . .* If you kept working you'd have another 20 years to go. So quit the damn job and follow your dreams *NOW*.
> 
> ...


correct you can't buy time so people should invest it in people who are worth it and fvck the rest..life is too short...


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## Kobold (Dec 5, 2015)

That poor bastard is gonna spend the rest of his life blaming himself for EVERYTHING that's gone wrong in their marriage/family and his wife will be more than happy to foster that delusion as long as it shields her from ever having to face any real consequences for that ten year long "mistake" of hers.  

Somebody else said he's a broken man and they're probably right, but I'll bet you his wife will sleep like a baby tonight and every night for the foreseeable future.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Yeah, at 46 - he can work out, get into shape and travel the world if he wants too! he can pick up younger women too. I have a friend, who is a player at about 64 years old and still bangs women in their mid-20s and up. Usually in their 20s.

Now, sometimes workaholics and even myself - have ignored our women when they *DO* try to talk to us. Even a year before my WW cheated - she did try, but I didn't listen - which of course, is still no excuse of her actions when *I* was trying. But with 10+ years of not noticing his family, what would anyone expect? She should have divorced or demand therapy or something. Maybe she did and he ignored her?

Lots of people do this sort of thing to themselves.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

TaDor said:


> Yeah, at 46 - he can work out, get into shape and travel the world if he wants too! he can pick up younger women too. I have a friend, who is a player at about 64 years old and still bangs women in their mid-20s and up. Usually in their 20s.
> 
> Now, sometimes workaholics and even myself - have ignored our women when they *DO* try to talk to us. Even a year before my WW cheated - she did try, but I didn't listen - which of course, is still no excuse of her actions when *I* was trying. But with 10+ years of not noticing his family, what would anyone expect? She should have divorced or demand therapy or something. Maybe she did and he ignored her?
> 
> Lots of people do this sort of thing to themselves.


Wish I had bought stock in Pfizer.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

TaDor said:


> Yeah, at 46 - he can work out, get into shape and travel the world if he wants too! he can pick up younger women too. I have a friend, who is a player at about 64 years old and still bangs women in their mid-20s and up. Usually in their 20s.
> 
> Now, sometimes workaholics and even myself - have ignored our women when they *DO* try to talk to us. Even a year before my WW cheated - she did try, but I didn't listen - which of course, is still no excuse of her actions when *I* was trying. *But with 10+ years of not noticing his family, what would anyone expect? She should have divorced or demand therapy or something. Maybe she did and he ignored her?
> *
> Lots of people do this sort of thing to themselves.


Did he really not notice his family? Didn't he live at home? Didn't he realize what and who he was working for beside himself? I don't believe he didn't know. 

I don't believe she didn't know. Ten years of cheating? Why lie for that long and stay in the marriage? What could her goals have been? 

I think her goals were to stay in a marriage where she felt she would live a better life which she had paid for by raising the children and doing all the things she did in support of her husband.

Was she really doing those things, if she was unfaithful for ten years? I don't think it's possible.

Why, if it was so bad for her, would she want anything he could provide? Wouldn't it all feel like it was tainted, even money from him? 

So, if she does get this life she thinks she's worked for and gets away with the infidelity, she will never feel good about herself. She will always feel self-righteous anger and a need for retribution for any perceived slight against her. 

She ruined the prize of that life she desired by destroying it's honor with her actions. My guess is, she will have to hate him the rest of her life, or she won't be able to stand what she has done to herself.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

My inability to get an erection was factor in the affair my WW had. She thought of herself as not attractive to me. I was aware of this and it did not help with my condition. We had a break down in communication and mis-understanding out the rear-end. viagra did not even help with the ED. It was about the time my junk was working right that I had a full blown affair on my hands.

I don't need pills get an erection anymore.

As the OP said, he was not involved with his family - he distanced himself from everyone. I know (and others) that us guys have a tendency to not actually listen to what women are saying.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

TaDor said:


> My inability to get an erection was factor in the affair my WW had. She thought of herself as not attractive to me. I was aware of this and it did not help with my condition. We had a break down in communication and mis-understanding out the rear-end. viagra did not even help with the ED. It was about the time my junk was working right that I had a full blown affair on my hands.
> 
> I don't need pills get an erection anymore.
> 
> *As the OP said, he was not involved with his family - he distanced himself from everyone. I know (and others) that us guys have a tendency to not actually listen to what women are saying.*


It does not excuse infidelity There are other less evil ways to deal with martial problems...glad your ED problem is resolved...


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I said it as a reason, not an excuse... Ignoring your SO is going to have an effect on your relationship.
Not working at your relationship - rug-sweeping problems, can also lead to someone having an affair.

Then there are the cheaters, who will always cheat - no matter what kind of relationship they are in.

Thanks about the ED problem. It was frustrating. But yeah, one of our talks was about that. Like some of the posts here, in which the cheater looses sexual interests in their partner. My wayward thought I was interested in other women and didn't voice that to me. I couldn't have sex with anyone or myself for that matter during that time as I worked this out with my doctor for solutions. It was one of the pieces of our relationship tied to failure to communicate.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

TaDor said:


> I said it as a reason, not an excuse... Ignoring your SO is going to have an effect on your relationship.
> *Not working at your relationship - rug-sweeping problems, can also lead to someone having an affair.*
> 
> Then there are the cheaters, who will always cheat - no matter what kind of relationship they are in.
> ...


Not working on things can make them unsatisified and want to leave but no one is lead to cheat..no one...its a conscious choice of the cheater to cheat - for whatever reason they choose...if a spouse ever says that the pre-a marriage lead them to cheat they are blame shifting and should be shut down...


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

TaDor said:


> My inability to get an erection was factor in the affair my WW had. She thought of herself as not attractive to me. I was aware of this and it did not help with my condition. We had a break down in communication and mis-understanding out the rear-end. viagra did not even help with the ED. It was about the time my junk was working right that I had a full blown affair on my hands.
> 
> I don't need pills get an erection anymore.
> 
> As the OP said, he was not involved with his family - he distanced himself from everyone. I know (and others) that us guys have a tendency to not actually listen to what women are saying.


So, what happens when you get older? Vows out the window? All bets off?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

@Maxo Cheaters have an encyclopedia of reasons why they cheated and guess what? None of those reasons justify cheating and scarring another human being for life...


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Truthseeker1 said:


> @Maxo Cheaters have an encyclopedia of reasons why they cheated and guess what? None of those reasons justify cheating and scarring another human being for life...


Only another betrayed person understands this. Those who have not been through it have no idea what it does to a person.
I am always amazed at the reasons they cite, as if they,themselves,were so without deficiencies.
Last I checked, the vows I took contained no qualifications giving me a dispensation should something bother me about my spouse.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Maxo said:


> Only another betrayed person understands this. Those who have not been through it have no idea what it does to a person.
> *I am always amazed at the reasons they cite, as if they,themselves,were so without deficiencies.*
> Last I checked, the vows I took contained no qualifications giving me a dispensation should something bother me about my spouse.


BINGO!!!! A cheater will complain about the state of the marriage as if the BS was floating around like they were in heaven the whole fvcking time!! The difference is the BS didn't cheat while the WS did..and before a WS says well you did x, y and z which violated our vows - my question to them is you mean to tell me you did nothing during this time that also violated those vows outside of the A? Then to compound the injuries you went and fvcked someone else because you felt like it...I say own your sh!t..an affair and physical abuse are two of the most vile things you can do to your spouse...end of story...


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Truthseeker1 said:


> BINGO!!!! A cheater will complain about the state of the marriage as if the BS was floating around like they were in heaven the whole fvcking time!! The difference is the BS didn't cheat while the WS did..and before a WS says well you did x, y and z which violated our vows - my question to them is you mean to tell me you did nothing during this time that also violated those vows outside of the A? Then to compound the injuries you went and fvcked someone else because you felt like it...I say own your sh!t..an affair and physical abuse are two of the most vile things you can do to your spouse...end of story...


Yes,but with the way the uninitiated view cheating, you will never get anyone other than a betrayed person to u derstand this.
Folks are highly invested in finding some fault or huge deficiency in the betrayed because without doing so,they feel unsafe in their own relationships.
Look at the writing here among the betrayeds. These are,for the most part, intelligent,sensitive,empatheic people.
I have no doubt that most of us were good,caring spouses with the best intentions toward our spouses and respect for our marriages.
Then the cheater starts characterizing you as some monster,something no other person has ever said about you. No one that knows you believes this stuff. They know what you are like.
But,strangers or folks with a familial bias toward the cheater may just buy it.
They not only cheat,they defame you.
These types are really bad people at their core.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Maxo said:


> They not only cheat,they defame you.
> These types are really bad people at their core.


Agreed..I've seen this many times...I once knew of a case of infidelity where the person had a lover for close to 2 decades and when finally caught bashed the BS's bedroom skills to their family...so your BS is not a dynamo in bed and you get to cheat for 20 years? Uh huh....this person had their AP for so long that they cheated on their AP as well when on the road for business (and bragged about it)...I wonder what the excuse was for cheating on the BS and the AP? Hmmmmmm......


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Can I ask something without offending anyone?
> 
> Are all posters on Reddit idiots?


Only the ones I have seen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> BINGO!!!! A cheater will complain about the state of the marriage as if the BS was floating around like they were in heaven the whole fvcking time!! The difference is the BS didn't cheat while the WS did..and before a WS says well you did x, y and z which violated our vows - my question to them is you mean to tell me you did nothing during this time that also violated those vows outside of the A? Then to compound the injuries you went and fvcked someone else because you felt like it...I say own your sh!t..an affair and physical abuse are two of the most vile things you can do to your spouse...end of story...



eeehmm....You are still very angry in most of your posts. It is blocking your view on reality imho. I understand your emotion, but it does obviously not help you to progress in your life. Why not try the road of forgiveness and compassion, I think you could find healing there more then where you are now.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Maxo said:


> So, what happens when you get older? Vows out the window? All bets off?


Yes, depending. 

Women and men in their own midlife crises tend to question life choices. Some decide to explore their options because they know there is precious little time to decide before it's too late and they will be alone.

Divorce laws, ability to make a living, family and friends, and many other factors will seduce the confused spouse. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. 

Those who are faithful are the ones who realize they wasted their efforts on some unworthy human.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

"Those who are faithful are the ones who realize they wasted their efforts on some unworthy human."??

HUH?


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon / Little boy blue and the man in the moon / "When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when / But we'll get together then…


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

See_Listen_Love said:


> eeehmm....You are still very angry in most of your posts. It is blocking your view on reality imho. I understand your emotion, but it does obviously not help you to progress in your life. Why not try the road of forgiveness and compassion, I think you could find healing there more then where you are now.


Eheeeem. Have you been betrayed? Or,rather are you a cheater?


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

I am a bit fed up with idiotic remarks now.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> I am a bit fed up with idiotic remarks now.


Really perhaps you should try this: e*eehmm....You are still very angry in most of your posts. It is blocking your view on reality imho. I understand your emotion, but it does obviously not help you to progress in your life. Why not try the road of forgiveness and compassion, I think you could find healing there more then where you are now. *


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

I take already that serious in my life. You could try it.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

See_Listen_Love said:


> I am a bit fed up with idiotic remarks now.


Then it is simple: stop making them.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

I never learn...Don't argue with stupid...


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