# Wife lied about past after years of marriage



## muiscq

I have been unhappy for years with my wife. I know she is good for me and we can do alot together, but what she did to me does not go away. She lied to me about everything "everything" we were dating and told me the truth after we married. She lied about her culture, about her ex, and family. This is what happend 

During our dating period (1 year) she was still talking to her exboyfriend (first 3m). Well one night he called my phone with hers (first 3 m). Well that did not go over well. 

While dating I asked her if anything happend that night and she ensured me that no they were there to talk. Ok whatever I did not believe her, but went with trust. A few months later she is pregent (around 6m). Things where great about 5 months into the pregentancy she had a misscarried. Comes to find out that there was a STD that made this happen. "Clymida" 

Ok, I asked again what happend that night because I know something is wrong with this story. No nothing happend. Could have caught it from something our had it before. Ok, It was not me because I had myself checked before we hooked up. Again trust.

We married about 8 months later. 2 years go by and she tells me that she is not what she told me (italy and South American) Just Italian. Nothing to bad, but was really upset that she lied to me. She then goes to tell me that she lied to me about the numbe of men she's been with. Ok I can deal, I know that normal for females. 

Maybe another 2 years go by and while talking she says that on that night she did have sex with her exboyfriend. She did not mean to tell me it came out. This rocked my world. All I can say is that I have not been the same since. I have tired and tired to forgive, as I have but the hole in my heart is there. I know it with out a doubt. It has not been the same since. I love this woman but when I am made this comes out. I have this emptyness when I get upset and I know it hurts her. I don't want to end this but I want to be happy in life. I am not happy with this. This hurt is over powering at times and I can not get away from it. Again I know she is good for me, over the years she has not done anything to hurt me but the lies of the past. 

Also she or we have not had any kids, and not from the lack of trying. Something happend after that miscarriage. And I hate her for that. I want kids but I love her. 

I really need to talk to someone about this. I think I am going to go get consuling. I just want to be happy in life.


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## norajane

I'd have a hard time with all that, too. I can understand why you're upset. Liars and cheaters are hard to trust and why would you want to when you keep finding out more and more lies over time?

Please do talk with a counselor. It will help you sort out your thoughts. You might decide this woman is not the kind of woman you want to have kids with, and that's ok, too.


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## unbelievable

What really counts is what's happened between you two since you married. These little ghosts from the past are history. Lies told years ago about things that may or may not have happened years ago are painful but they don't change the reality of the present. People change over time and once married, we all go through some changes. You can help her be a better person and she could help you be a better man. That's the way it's supposed to work. I've done things in my past that I'm not proud of but I've spent decades trying to be a better man. The husband my wife has now isn't even the same guy I was 30 years ago. If she's an habitual liar about present day stuff, that's a legitimate problem that deserves your irritation and corrective attention. If she made mistakes in the past but has been a good wife in the present, leave those bones buried and work on present day issues without digging up old corpses. She can't fix the past so there's no point in bringing it up.


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## muiscq

I agree with you on the past, that is what I have been telling myself all these years, but it does not take away the pain and emptyness. I have forgiven her for the lies, but I wake up in a daze and I know that I am unhappy with this. I know this because I am working away from home. We see each other once a month and I am so happy with life. There are other factors like a new job and good paying one but the whole is gone. When I go home its there. Again I love this woman, but the pain is there. I have been keeping this togther for a long time and forgot what is happy. Now that I have it I will not go back to that unhappyness. I just want to keep her and be happy.


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## muiscq

you know its not that I don't want to have kids with her and I understand what you are saying about finding out things. Believe I am so sure there is more to this and that floats around in my head as well. I did not mention in the first post that I have givien her times tosay everything without me getting mad and she never did. That hurst as well. I don't want to lose what is good now because of what happend. I know thats what it sounds like but what is destoring me is the emptyness I have with her when I get mad. I am so mad that she took my choice away from me. That is something that I cheerish, and she took it. Sorry I don't me to vent to you!


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## norajane

Yes, that's one of the worst things about cheaters who lie about it and lure you into marriage before telling you the truth - they've taken your choice away. You may or may not have married her if you had known the truth. It should have been your decision since this impacts your whole life. It's infuriating and rage-inducing.

Frankly, I'd also be worried about why she lied about her culture. Why tell you she's part South American if she isn't? That sounds like a lie that habitual liars tell...no rhyme or reason except they're used to lying about things to make them seem "better" in other people's eyes. It's that lie that would make me wonder what else she lies about that she doesn't "need" to lie about but just does.


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## unbelievable

muiscq,

Ever do anything you regret? Ever needed forgiveness? All of us are flawed human beings. We all make mistakes. If we can't give forgiveness we can't expect it when we need it. I'm not sure why it would matter whether she comes from South America, Italy, or the planet Venus. If she's a good woman, she's a good woman. 
If you want to be a father, the world is full of kids who need parents. They will make mistakes, too. You'll have to figure out a way to forgive and mean it. You decide what your mind focuses on. You can dwell on your wife's past faults and stay bitter or you can appreciate her better qualities. One day you will not have a wife. There will be a grave with one of you in it. It'd be nice to make the best use of the time you have with her. Fixating on old insults may not be the best use of your time.


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## Shaggy

I'm guessing the miscarried child was the ex BFs? I'm guess he gave her the STD that killed the child and has left her strile. 

Why do you think she's so good for you? Especially now that you she cheated, lied, lied, and lied. How of you know even now that she isn't still cheating? And the std and now the sterility.?

If it was me I'd be rethinking just how good for me living with someone who would do all those things to me is.

What if the child had lived? Would you have been ok raising the Exs kid?


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## Lonely&frustrated

I'm so sorry that you are hurting, i can't imagine what you're going through but i'll give my 2 cents worth. You haven't forgiven her, you may never be able to, the lies are powerful and powerful enough that it's destroying your marriage. You can't let go because you won't. If you did forgive and let go it doesn't mean that she's won. You'll never be able to punish her, you'll never be able to control the past, it was already written. You can choose to forgive, you will never forget, it's not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of growth. You need to decide whats important to you, are you able to live with her or not. If not, realize this, there will be more hurts down the road, their will be more lies, and ALWAYS someone who you'll never be able to change but yourself. People who live with fear of getting hurt miss so much, i know, ive done it to myself. People who hold onto the pain die along with it. It doesn't matter if you stay with her or not, the past will always be there, so please take care of yourself and find a way to make peace within yourself. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, i try not to be, you need to make some choices, either way you'll have to deal with the negatives, just pick one you can live with.


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## Thunder7

Wow, unbelievable. You're.........unbelievable. You seem to be willing to overlook and forgive anything. Makes me wonder where you have the bodies buried. Cuz the stuff in your past must be truly awful. Do the words habitual and serial mean anything? Sometimes, you just have to cut bait, regardless of the unpleasantness. 
Musicq, I feel for you. But, I do think it would be worth discussing this with a professional, and exploring all options, before making any permanent decisions.


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## Lonely&frustrated

I really hope that msg wasnt for me, if so you didn't understand any of what i was saying. I simply stated what i saw was going on. He said he has forgiven her, but he hasn't, i don't blame him! He can barely be around her. Her lies cost them alot, and yes she took those choices away from him, i was trying to tell him to forgive or fill that void with something else cuz it's killing him emotionally. If he can live with her then ok, if he can't ( not such a bad choice). I also said that there still will be bumps ahead in the future and he shouldn't have to carry this pain around because if he chooses to leave her and find someone else it will affect that new relationship and he will not love or accept the love that's given to him and he will miss out!!
I dont have any bodies in my back yard, ive been in nursing for a long time, i've sat with people and watched them take their last breath and cried with them alongside their families. I'm not evil i was simply stating that if he doesn't get help he will only see red, hate and be emotionally empty!!


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## Lonely&frustrated

Thunder im retarded, i know that wasnt for me


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## Lonely&frustrated

Musicq,
How are you holding up?


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## 1977hc

Once a spouse lies to you it's nearly impossible to trust fully again.


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## IrishGirlVA

I get that people lie. Whether it be to protect themselves or someone else or both. But what really stood out in your post is how she lied about her family origin. That sort of tells me that she is capable of lying about anything and that lying comes very easy to her. Or her mind works in such a way that she was able to justify this lie somehow. 

Not only do you need couseling to help you with this (and I admire the fact you can recognize that) but she also needs counseling. And if there is any hope of saving this marriage then certainly you'll want some marriage counseling down the road. 

Good luck.


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## Horacio

Now that I am in similar circumstances, I will tell you this.
Sex with another? Leave her. Get a divorce and heal.


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## GusPolinski

Horacio said:


> Now that I am in similar circumstances, I will tell you this.
> Sex with another? Leave her. Get a divorce and heal.


2 1/2-year-old thread


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## muiscq

Don't know if your still a member here but I filed fro divorce this past year and have moved on... and very happy with life as of now... people can be so toxic in your life that you lose sight of what's important to ones self worth,,,


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## Wolf1974

muiscq said:


> Don't know if your still a member here but I filed fro divorce this past year and have moved on... and very happy with life as of now... people can be so toxic in your life that you lose sight of what's important to ones self worth,,,


Such a true statement. You sometimes don't know how toxic someone is till you are away from them! Welcome to your new life


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## Marc878

muiscq said:


> Don't know if your still a member here but I filed fro divorce this past year and have moved on... and very happy with life as of now... people can be so toxic in your life that you lose sight of what's important to ones self worth,,,


It's amazing when you finally wake up and get out of denial isn't it?


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## muiscq

yes it is and It was so weird once the mind comes full circle. yu see things in a different light or aspect that you could not see do to feelings and fog of commitments


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## Decorum

So no kids and you are moving on, good for you.


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## arbitrator

*A hearty welcome back to reality and to your newfound sense of self-worth!*


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## Decorum

Would love to hear how she took the divorce?


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## oldshirt

muiscq said:


> All I can say is that I have not been the same since. I have tired and tired to forgive, as I have but the hole in my heart is there. I know it with out a doubt. It has not been the same since..


Thanks for coming back and giving the update. 

IMHO what you stated above was the writing on the wall. 

We really don't choose who we respect and admire and hold in esteem. Sometimes that esteem is damaged or destroyed and it's not something that we can simply restore through willpower. 

She sold you a bad bill of goods and misrepresented who and what she was. When her real self started to come through the cracks, your esteem for her was lost and there was no putting Humpty Dumpty back together again. 

When trust and respect and esteem are lost, they are lost and you can't just will it back in place. 

It is what it is.


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## FrazzledSadHusband

Here is a message for you. To help you move on, 




A line spoken in message talks about expecting others to "make up" for what you were cheated out of.

Make sure you don't expect that from your next partner.

Best wishes,


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## Chuck71

Too bad you couldn't have the M annulled. It never was real.


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## Vinnydee

And yet you married her.


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## Chuck71

Vinnydee said:


> And yet you married her.


Hindsight is 20 / 20


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## TaDor

Love is blind


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## muiscq

You know this is correct in what you say, but what else people seem to forgot is the vows that we take; on both side! I am a man of my word and I sometimes feel like I gave up, which is true. But I don't believe nor feel as I was wrong in my decision. I look back at it now and feel sad that it went this way. I would not change anything because it is want made me, its something that has left its mark on me. I would not be the person that I am now.. I am very happy with life now, I enjoy coming home. I have a son now and a girlfriend that is right for me... I don't believe that I would have know that if I didn't go through this. So in that statement as well I feel sad because the exW had to show this side of me for me to see it. Its like 2 different lives. Really, its hard to explain.. No its not but I don't think people that have not gone through this would understand. If things with thing with the exW would have been good. I would have been happy, but that's not the case; so moving on!


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## muiscq

Well I have a son now with my girl friend.... such a good life now!


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## Truthseeker1

muiscq said:


> You know this is correct in what you say, but what else people seem to forgot is the vows that we take; on both side! I am a man of my word and I sometimes feel like I gave up, which is true. But I don't believe nor feel as I was wrong in my decision. I look back at it now and feel sad that it went this way. I would not change anything because it is want made me, its something that has left its mark on me. I would not be the person that I am now.. I am very happy with life now, I enjoy coming home. I have a son now and a girlfriend that is right for me... I don't believe that I would have know that if I didn't go through this. So in that statement as well I feel sad because the exW had to show this side of me for me to see it. Its like 2 different lives. Really, its hard to explain.. No its not but I don't think people that have not gone through this would understand. If things with thing with the exW would have been good. I would have been happy, but that's not the case; so moving on!


How did your XW react to the divorce?


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## muiscq

Sure Ill tell you how she took the papers.. Like a man person.. Asked me why I am doing this and that she is a good person and that I am destroying the dreams that we made together. I filed and sent them through the mail/ serving agent. When she received them,, well I'm sure you understand the horns showed. Then the person that she really was come out.. I was still me, I gave her everything. House, cars, everything.. I took my bags and what would fit in them and left. That was the last time we spook. Everything else was through court. She didn't show for court and that was that. 

And to reply to some people that are saying you married her anyway... I don't think you understand that this happened after we married. The only thing a person can do is ask questions. If you love a person you tell the truth and you expect the truth.. If you don't then way marry. See I chose to love her and believe, but I knew in my gut something was off, but again love.. LOVE IS BLIND.. its the very meaning of love. to look past something that might make you feel uncomfortable because there are factors that can be over looked and a person might see it wrong. That's what I went with.. No need to retell the story but once broken like that its over.. Took me years to figure that out, plus keeping my word is a core factor to me.. I can nothing without it.. but your word I only as strong as the information that you are given. That saying if your word is based on a lie then that word is nothing.


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## Truthseeker1

@muiscq do you know what happened to your XW after the divorce or have you lost track of her completely?


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## sokillme

muiscq said:


> You know this is correct in what you say, but what else people seem to forgot is the vows that we take; on both side! I am a man of my word and I sometimes feel like I gave up, which is true. But I don't believe nor feel as I was wrong in my decision. I look back at it now and feel sad that it went this way. I would not change anything because it is want made me, its something that has left its mark on me. I would not be the person that I am now.. I am very happy with life now, I enjoy coming home. I have a son now and a girlfriend that is right for me... I don't believe that I would have know that if I didn't go through this. So in that statement as well I feel sad because the exW had to show this side of me for me to see it. Its like 2 different lives. Really, its hard to explain.. No its not but I don't think people that have not gone through this would understand. If things with thing with the exW would have been good. I would have been happy, but that's not the case; so moving on!


You ex married you under false pretense, that nullifies you vows in my mind. It's really all on her. 

What happened to her anyway?


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## Thor

muiscq said:


> You know this is correct in what you say, but what else people seem to forgot is the vows that we take; on both side! I am a man of my word and I sometimes feel like I gave up, which is true. But I don't believe nor feel as I was wrong in my decision.


It is important to live by your own standards. Many men stay too long in a marriage because they want to know they have done everything possible to save the marriage. But that is probably better than leaving too soon and then regretting it forever.

I would say that you do not have to fulfill your obligations when the other person has first broken their promises. It is like any other contract or agreement. You are bound by it as long as the other person does what they have agreed to. Once one person fails to do what they promised, the other person is no longer obligated.


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