# Tired of having her dominate my thoughts...



## OrdinaryWorld (Apr 13, 2012)

The title says it all. Filed for divorce in march due to her having an affair. We are being very amicable in regards to the divorce. After our last sit down meeting to sort through some details, she has been constantly on my mind. I think and dream about her constantly and it is starting to wear me down. It would be a lot easier if we were at each others throats and if she was hostile towards me, but that is not the case. How do you get someone who played a big role in your life out of your mind?


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Cognitive behavioral therapy. Meditation. Keeping as busy as humanly possible. And for me, no contact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Bottle of Baileys, on the rocks.

I hear ya dude, take a gander at my thread. Lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OrdinaryWorld (Apr 13, 2012)

I have been doing the no contact, but we have children so I have to talk to her regarding them. Those conversations are usually handled via texts and are civil. I have also been trying to keep myself as busy as possible. I even started a new job this week, but my mind still likes to focus on her which is hurting my training. Its kinda sad and pathetic for me to think this way, when I have no doubt that she does not think about me. Its just very frustrating. 

And I will check out that thread UpnDown. Thanks.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

I am amazed that I still think about my STBXH so much. It really sucks and kinda bothers me that I can't move on completely, especially given the fact that he now lives with the OW. I guess it's just that hard for me to let go of love or what I thought was "love" with him. 

Everyone keeps saying that it takes time. But time was the problem with our relationship. He didn't allow us time to fix things _before_ he started the A. He just gave up.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Don't allow yourself to think "she doesn't think about me." This serves no purpose other than to make you feel worse. It is normal for you to think about her, and what she's thinking has no relevance. There is no magic solution to this problem...posting here and journaling are healthy ways to get it all out, and exercise is key. When you feel good about yourself, it is easier to focus on you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MainStreetExile (Jun 26, 2012)

I don't know if you can, or at least I haven't. It is an odd minute in which she does not occupy a significant amount of real estate in my conscious mind, and Kevin knows how much of my unconscious.

I've tried heavy drinking to no real effect beyond a smaller bank account and copious amounts of vomit and self pity. My journals invariably turn to her; I can't seem to find a single thread in the very tangled skein of my life that does not lead back to her eventually. Therapy, you say? My therapist told me that she was going to have to seek therapy as a result of counseling me. You know something is amiss when your counselor starts to cry. Many people recommend exercise, but I want no truck with it. I invariably feel like a hamster on a wheel, legs pumping madly, full of sound and fury, but going nowhere. I've tried it, and have realized that I simply cannot as a person be too exhausted to be miserable. I seem to have endless reserves of energy in this regard, if nothing else.

I am not advising you to wallow forever in your own crapulence. This is as sure a path to madness as ingesting mercury or engaging in bicameral government. You will stop thinking when you no longer care, and only you know when that will be.

In my case, it will never be.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I made a conscious decision to look after myself and my daughter and not to worry about him or think about him and it took strength and willpower but I did it

I stopped texting him and only spoke to him when I absolutely had to - it took a while but it has really worked for me. He was my life for 13 years, we did everything together - and we aren't hostile either which does make things more difficult

I'm not saying I haven't had a drink or two, but you have to focus on yourself and getting back to the person you once were...she betrayed you and it leads to self-doubt, the way you're feeling is inevitable in this situation

my ex has now decided he's made the biggest mistake of his life, but it's too late. why would I take him back waiting for him to do it again

good luck my friend x


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

ImStillHere said:


> I am amazed that I still think about my STBXH so much. It really sucks and kinda bothers me that I can't move on completely, especially given the fact that he now lives with the OW. I guess it's just that hard for me to let go of love or what I thought was "love" with him.
> 
> Everyone keeps saying that it takes time. But time was the problem with our relationship. He didn't allow us time to fix things _before_ he started the A. He just gave up.


Than he was the problem -- he's a quitter. When I recognized that my stbxh was a quitter who never tried and just talked with no action, it was much easier to think about other things. You can't change him no matter how much you think about him, honey.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

I think you have a similar situation to mine but for a few reasons I was able to guide our post divorce life in a more desirable direction. First thing is that I don't even blame her for ending the marriage. Things weren't going great. She did have an affair and that does upset me but not so much that I don't care about her and I told her so. 

I think one issue is our language. You know Eskimos have dozens of words for snow but somehow in the English language we only have that one word "love " for a whole range of emotional States of being. Ilybinilwy is the accepted speech for what is the end of a relationship. But there's obviously more ways to love a person than "love" or "in love". We are firmly planted in each other's lives as parents of our children. We have seen each other through significant changes and scary situations. We are not willing to just watch all that go away just because we are not going to be married anymore. 

It means I have to be okay with her being with another man. I had never thought that possible but as circumstances have arisen I find I am emotionally mature enough to handle that. Fortunately and surprisingly enough she has been able to handle it the other way too as I've been dating. 

Point being we will always have each other to turn to. I think on here you could call it the backup plan or that we never really got over each other. But to me it's a relationship that is deeper than the present conditions.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> Than he was the problem -- he's a quitter. When I recognized that my stbxh was a quitter who never tried and just talked with no action, it was much easier to think about other things. You can't change him no matter how much you think about him, honey.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, he is a quitter. That was one of the main problems in our marriage because I am NOT a quitter.

Not trying to change him, just trying to get over him. When he was up life was great. And we had, I think, more up moments than down. He obviously didn't agree. 

Sorry for the thread jack, OP.


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