# What Happens To Sex After Marriage?



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I have been reading quite a few stories on TAM where a couple had good or great sex before marriage and suddenly , sometimes a few years into marriage,it suddenly gets horrible, 

It seems all sorts of things " suddenly " happens.

One partner is no longer willing to perform certain sexual acts they did before marriage.

One partner turns to porn to whilst neglecting the sexual needs of their spouse .

One partner thinks the sex has become like a chore,monotonous, boring and is no longer interested.

One partner gradually becomes disinterested, often claiming to be " LD", or a host of other excuses.

Ultimately, the sex frequency fizzles and the sex itself becomes extinct, causing tremendous emotional pain to the deprived partner.

My feeling is that sex in a marriage is comparable to a lubricant in a high performance engine. If the lubricant is not viscous or
" fluid" enough , the result would be engine seizure and it would FAIL , no matter how modern and costly its design.
_It can no longer perform the function for which it was designed_.

My question is,
How does something that was so easily available and enjoyable before marriage suddenly turn into a
* scarce commodity *, to be negotiated on all sorts of terms and conditions after marriage?

This has never happened in our marriage , but I cannot say that it will never happen in the future. I am still young , and quite willing to learn from those who have had more experience in life than me.
" A wise man learns by the mistakes of others.."

The purpose of this thread is to get the answers.

Feel free to post your experiences regarding the subject matter,
Whether they are good , needs improvement , not so good or terrible.

Looking forward to your contribution!


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

It ain't pretty.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Zig said:


> It ain't pretty.



Well , 
Tell us your experience Zig.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I will be married for 30 years come this spring. Sex has always been important, present, and hasn't waned much over the years. My H seems candid when he describes our sex life as 'great.' It does, indeed, become more routine as you get older, but there are many reasons for that & it doesn't have to mean that it's somehow worse. I would not want a marriage with little or no satisfying sex. Marriage is difficult enough.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> One partner is no longer willing to perform certain sexual acts they did before marriage.


While I'm not going to get on a religious high horse, I can say - this might be the danger in "setting the bar too high" when you are dating and doing too much too soon. If, for example, you are willing to do things you might not really be that into because you really want to impress your partner when you are dating, you are setting an expectation that you will continue to do those things. 

It also might leave less to discover/enjoy after marriage if you've already "done it all." And hence the debates about porn and toys because things are "boring" because when you dated you already burned through the entire Kama Sutra. 

If you come to the realization that you don't really enjoy them, then people will say you falsely advertised and were a "bait and switch." Which assumes that it was a vindictive act meant to "entrap you" - which, I'm not sure that kind of thing is always conscious. 

I've just thought this reading some of the other threads that refer to that.


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## castepatri (Dec 7, 2012)

I will be married for 30 years come this spring.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your poll should allow for multiple answers....

YES ---Did you and your SO talk about sexual expectations before marriage ?

Very good for the first 5 years - Did the sex improve after marriage?

None in years 1-12 - his choice -- Did the sex get worse after marriage ?

NOPE.. he refused to do anything to get back on track - If it ot worse, do you believe there's any chance of it improving?


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## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

It improves especially when we are still on our honeymoon stage..


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## notsocool (Jul 4, 2010)

My first marriage lasted 12 yrs, iwas 23 with not a lot of sexual experience. Sex during dating and engagement was frequent and good.
Married a short while and my enjoyment went to new levels as I learnt more about myself and him.
I always had a high drive and this was wonderful. I wanted it everyday. And felt he did to.
It suddenly dropped to once a week, then once a fortnight, a month and sometimes a few months would go by.

I was beside myself, was initiating and constantly being rejected. Felt humiliated and my esteem took a terrible blow.
This went on for eight years then we decided to have kids. With babies and toddler happening he decides he wants regular sex. 
It puzzled me. He was fit, healthy no ED, just said he was tired. There was no porn or cheating, his nature was to withhold from me things I liked and it seems he did that with sex.
Looking back now and knowing he had a similar dynamic in his next marriage which also failed. I think maybe he resented women and disliked meeting their needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

I didn't get sex on my honeymoon night.

My wife didn't pick me for sex, she picked me because I was an awesome play partner and good role model for her 8 year old son.
I was always hoping to get sex, but rarely got it while dating. I was dumb and thought it would increase with marriage, even though we've all been told not to eat the wedding cake.
I must have ate a hellacious piece. 
I can't say I have ever had a happy sex life...but I am working on it. Just this week alone I got it 3 times.
Running the MAP has certainly stepped it up a notch. I hope this isn't just a phase.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Gets worse and less frequent because she now has you "married" and no longer has to try to get you. And when kids comes along, she gets bigger, less sex and that's it folks..........and then you "the man" has to change and love her for her.


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## DrDavidCOlsen (Oct 7, 2012)

The quality of sex after marriage is contingent on the ongoing quality of the marriage. For couples committed to growth and intimacy, sex can keep improving. For couples who take each other for granted, and do not prioritize their relationship, sex will decline.
Sex is simply another type of communication in a relationship and cannot be neglected, but at the same time has to part of overall intimacy.
David Olsen, PHD, LMFT (The Couples Survival Workbook)


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Sex should increase in frequency (assuming you didn't live together) and expand your repertoire because of time, trust and love.

Things slow down due to distractions in life and children (most women can't for 6 weeks after birth anyway) and exhaustion, but there should be an ebb and flow - it should return to previous levels as life allows.

But too often we take for granted the very things we love most in each other, forget the need to set aside quality time, learn each others needs, etc.

I find most people aren't emotionally prepared to be a good partner.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Phrixos Oidipous said:


> I'm not sure about that but all i know is that* sex will surely gets worse with kids in sight* thus couples needs to be creative to make time for some "adult' fun!


Uhhh I beg to differ. The only thing that declined our sex life at all was when he started battling psychological disorders and the side effects of the drugs the doctors put him on for those disorders. Otherwise, there was NO change in our sex life after the kids were born.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

When we first started out we didn't talk about sex or what our sex life would consist of. We talked about...well I used to think we talked about everything, but thinking about it we didn't talk about much. 

Maybe kids and religion, parents. Can't remember back almost 20 years clearly. 


But....after we co-habatited we had oral for both, piv, some anal, 69, his foot fetish was always right there up front in the begginings. We still do all those things. We have 4 kids. One will be 17 in a few months. The others just turned 9. 

We've had our ups and downs, resentments, silent treatments, good days bad days, great years, horrible years. 

We have our patterns for sex, but it's nice to be with someone who knows you are going left for a playful bite, and don't catch a elbow to the temple, or a knee in the nuts. It's a comfort when spooning to know how the other person feels against you.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

castepatri said:


> I will be married for 30 years come this spring.


Congrats casterpatri!

How has it been and what advice would you like to give us?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Pandakiss said:


> When we first started out we didn't talk about sex or what our sex life would consist of. We talked about...well I used to think we talked about everything, but thinking about it we didn't talk about much.
> 
> Maybe kids and religion, parents. Can't remember back almost 20 years clearly.
> 
> ...


So you're saying that even though you all didn't specifically talk about it before, after 20 years [ ? ] you guys developed a particular rhythm and you are still, very much, enjoying it.

Am I correct?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> *Your poll should allow for multiple answers....*
> 
> YES ---Did you and your SO talk about sexual expectations before marriage ?
> 
> ...


Thanks Ele,
This is the first time I'm running a poll and based on the format , the options are limited.

But I realize you got the gist of what I'm asking based on your answers.

One quick question for you.
What would you say caused the breakdown in your particular situation?
Why do you think he refused to do the necessary work to get it back on track? [ I'm assuming that you were willing?]


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> While I'm not going to get on a religious high horse,* I can say - this might be the danger in "setting the bar too high" when you are dating and doing too much too soon. If, for example, you are willing to do things you might not really be that into because you really want to impress your partner when you are dating, you are setting an expectation that you will continue to do those things. *
> 
> *It also might leave less to discover/enjoy after marriage if you've already "done it all." And hence the debates about porn and toys because things are "boring" because when you dated you already burned through the entire Kama Sutra. *
> 
> ...


I understand your point of view, but the question still remains why?
Because if I love this girl and whilst we were dating we 
" burned through the entire Kama Sutra ", does that automatically mean that after marriage we would get bored in bed?
Shouldn't the love and passion still be there, so that even though we did all that stuff, what's important is that we did it with each other ,and that's what makes it exciting,
_Everytime._
Even _after_ marriage.

What do you think?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> *It does, indeed, become more routine as you get older, but there are many reasons for that & it doesn't have to mean that it's somehow worse.* .


:iagree:
My point exactly!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I don't really know how to vote, sex went completely bonkers after marriage for me, yet it's because it increased to unreasonable levels. For some that's a good thing, for me it was a bad thing. At the moment though, since I've been celibate since seperation, I am really starting to miss having sex.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Well you know our story...Maybe this doesn't count since we waited till marriage. 

It was always present, it was always GREAT, no feeling on heaven or earth could compare to the Pleasure under the sheets.... Always loved 








... but it could & SHOULD have been more OFTEN...and it could have been more ADVENTUROUS. This is where we screwed up....and we're both guilty. 

A few reasons...

*1.* I was NOT in touch with myself sexually - Repression stole a part of me I didn't know was there - I was caged ..that spirit to explore...we didn't talk about sex/ our desires/ masterbation (OMG how embarrassing!)....Huge blunder looking back !

My husband even admits to being a little Repressed, his enjoyment of what we did - was good enough so he never pushed to try new things....He'd be happy with vanilla till the day he died. Neither of us was ever Bored or found sex mundane....not for a moment. 

*2.* Yrs of Infertilty threw a monkey wrench into our lives & he was basically "too loving" to talk to me about his hurt over my caring more about his







over his pleasure.....I was very 1 tract minded ~ wanting more children... I wish I could take this back, as it was all for nothing.... I should have had more faith instead of worrying so damn much. 

Husband was too much of a Nice Guy really... though I will say "genuine" .... he wasn't seething under the surface -about to blow his top or jumped through hoops to get more sex.. He loved me through it...but the "scheduling"....asking him to "wait" to build his sperm count for better odds...well... this was very hurtful for a man in his 20's / early 30's to deal with. His feeling rejected by me started here.

I wasn't aware of what I was putting him through -because he was so damn good to me... & he never tried once to explain it to me. These were our mistakes. 

*3.* Then the kids started coming (5 more in 10 yrs).....I was so overjoyed, I was still forgetting the man who helped create them! Then I put every baby in bed with us cuddling them ! :slap::slap::slap:

Plus he hated my books. I never was too tired - I'm like the Energizer Bunny...just not an issue... I just didn't have "Love making" on the brain till I was feeling those waves of horniness. When he came after me ~ he GOT ME every time. 

My husband really should have blew a gasket. I can't begin to understand why he didn't. I would have been a monster enduring what he did - feeling horny all the time....or I would have at least became a seductive octopus -trying to jump start me. 

Then the shoes were reversed. Ha ha - I deserved that !! What led me to TAM... I understand the HIGH DRIVER really well now.... and oh how I have grieved the past where we missed each other ~ It could have EASILY been so much MORE.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

With us, I think the amount and quality of our sex lives is/was a barometer of the condition of our relationship. It's been good, great, not so great and downright non-existent at the worst times. It took me a long time to figure this out. If I let "other things" get in the way of nurturing the relationship it had a dramatic effect on our sex lives. The same could be said for her. Take away thoughtful gestures, saying I love you, date night, quality time, long hugs, putting the children first, etc and it will be on a downward spiral! Start doing those things again and we're always in great shape and much happier for it! It's easy to fall into a slump and it takes work and effort to maintain a healthy marriage. Stop doing the little things and it will lead to a sexless marriage.

Best,

T


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Phrixos Oidipous said:


> I'm not sure about that but all i know is that sex will surely gets worse with kids in sight thus couples needs to be creative to make time for some "adult' fun!


I don't agree that this has to happen, but I do think it is a real danger for a lot of couples. I know that sex in my marriage really wnet down when the kids arrived. My wife always wanted to be a SAHM, so she really threw herself into her work. I supported it too much, and really stopped dating her. While things kicked back up again, they dipped after each child, with no real improvement after the last one. 

It took me doing some hard work on myself, as well as pushing things a bit to get them to improve. I do think things are better than ever, because there is a trust level that was not there in the beginning. My wife is much more open and comfortable with herself and us.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Thanks CM. As I've posted elsewhere she, being 6 years older, had the talk with me, regular/frequent sex was expected during better or worse and sex was never to be used a weapon. I'm glad she did, it served us well.



alte Dame said:


> I will be married for 30 years come this spring. Sex has always been important, present, and hasn't waned much over the years. My H seems candid when he describes our sex life as 'great.' It does, indeed, become more *routine* as you get older, but there are many reasons for that & it doesn't have to mean that it's somehow worse. I would not want a marriage with little or no satisfying sex. Marriage is difficult enough.


I'll agree, even at only 20 years.

Routine, we, more so I, are struggling with this at the moment. The sex has changed, she is physically unable to take a thorough pounding like she used. We used to come simultaneously 80%+ of the time. Nowadays everyone is still smiling at the end but it's a 2 step process. I think I've had a hard time adapting to that (I hate any change) and made it more about the destination (orgasms) rather than the journey (quality sex that just naturally leads to O's). We're working on it and it's not just strictly a bedroom issue.

I'll add here that she, seemingly unlike many other TAM women, has gotten more reserved and less verbally expressive about the sex over the years. Not sure if that's part of the cause (I wish she would have said something sooner as in the past) or effect (likely, and my bad) of the above.


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## urnotme (Jun 1, 2012)

well.... I think you get out of marriage what you put into it....People make time for things that are important to them, that includes intimacy and sex.

But in my case, sex has gotten way worse since marriage. Not sure what his real problem is, but doubt I will want to remarry after this hell.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

We have been all over the board.

Before marriage - yes talked and specified to each other that sexlessness is unacceptable.

After marriage - got good - really good!

Then it slowed down, as my husband is apparently Low Drive.

Kid - affected sex life somewhat, but not too big an impact. (She's still a baby).

Began working towards improving sex life again, it was good again for a little while.

Now, due to bickering and all the energy it zaps out of you, we are heading back to about once a week. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

and where is my black sock?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> Thanks CM. As I've posted elsewhere she, being 6 years older, had the talk with me, regular/frequent sex was expected during better or worse and sex was never to be used a weapon. I'm glad she did, it served us well.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Getting older changes things for women in terms of their self-images and what that means for sex. For men, it's the stamina and just general physical ability to actually do it. My H and I were lucky from the start in that we had and still have chemistry. No matter what, how can sex not become a bit routine after so many years? Two people know one another so well & know what each other likes. If pleasing one another is the routine, then that's a good thing.

I recently talked to my H about the question of routine sex. He really surprised me because I was worried that he might be bored. He said that he thought things were great. That it was well beyond what he ever expected from a LT marriage & that his enjoyment was what it always was, even if we had fallen into a pattern. He said, "I'm getting old & can't do anything about that, but my feelings and desires haven't changed & I don't think yours have either." And he was right. But it's good to talk about it if you have any doubts at all, imo.

CP - does your W have to fantasize in her part of the 2-step process?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

urnotme said:


> well....* I think you get out of marriage what you put into it....People make time for things that are important to them, that includes intimacy and sex.
> *
> But in my case, sex has gotten way worse since marriage. Not sure what his real problem is, but doubt I will want to remarry after this hell.


The first part of your statement is so true!
We make time for sex and intimacy before marriage and then after, we sometimes try to" squeeze it in "  our " busy " schedules.
If sex and intimacy are important to us then we need to work on it as a couple, and not just one person suddenly loosing interest and so forth.
Maybe to some couples the rhythm comes naturally?
Maybe to others , because of external stressors, they may need to work harder.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> *Getting older changes things for women in terms of their self-images and what that means for sex*. For men, it's the stamina and just general physical ability to actually do it.


What you have said here is interesting.
I have had that fleeting thought sometimes and i am tempted to ask my wife.
In my eyes nothing on her physically has changed since the first time I saw her naked body.

But she's now 45 yrs old.
I often wonder next 10 years what would she look like and what would it do to her self esteem and ultimately, her libido.[ which is very health right now.]
I am younger than her, but I feel some women tend to age faster than men.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Getting older changes things for women in terms of their self-images and what that means for sex.


Yes, she mentioned soemthing, was news to me. I probably need to pay more attention to the emotional/mental changes. I focus too much on the physical mechanics, not really a turn on I know. 



alte Dame said:


> Two people know one another so well & know what each other likes. If pleasing one another is the routine, then that's a good thing.


I agree routine can be good, and really should be good but we've fallen into a bad pattern. Part of the problem is she was not really open about her "new likes" as we aged and changed. I didn't pick up on it because she was actually sending out, verbally and non verbally, signals all was OK. I need to be a good (better) lover for her now, not the one I was 20 years ago or even 5.



alte Dame said:


> CP - does your W have to fantasize in her part of the 2-step process?


She say only occasionally.


Thanks, helpful.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> But she's now 45 yrs old.
> I often wonder next 10 years what would she look like and what would it do to her self esteem and ultimately, her libido.[ which is very health right now.]
> I am younger than her, but I feel some women tend to age faster than men.


Just as a frame of reference how old are you? I'm 44 and she is 50.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> What you have said here is interesting.
> I have had that fleeting thought sometimes and i am tempted to ask my wife.
> In my eyes nothing on her physically has changed since the first time I saw her naked body.
> 
> ...


What happens inevitably is that other men stop looking much at all. You notice that you're more and more invisible to men out there in the wider world & you can't help but think that your H is more interested in the beauty of youth. You don't stop to realize that it works both ways. So you take note of the differences in yourself and you get a little more inhibited, you perhaps think that some things are better left to the younger people. You feel a bit silly, I suppose, doing the things you felt comfortable with when you were thirty.

In any event, if you can have a healthy attitude that you are aging together and that it's different, but not worse, then some of the inhibitions melt away.

(I still regularly get chatted up by older men in my daily life, even though the young ones don't look at all - moved to CA a few years ago & have been surprised at the way the produce and wine sections in the grocery stores are active this way. lol So I use this experience to remind myself that my H is exactly in this category & all is OK.)


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

My husband and I did not have a clear conversation of our sexual expectations prior to marriage. I should say however, that we were live in partners before marriage and also had or first child prior to getting officially married.

Did our sex life change? Yes. It got better, it got worse, it has improved, it's the best it has ever been now.

I don't think the trigger is necessarily the marriage, the kids, the living together. I think it's everything. As relationships evolve, as we grow, we change and so do our needs, drives and expectations. Sometimes our partner's are in line with those changes, sometimes their changing needs drives and expectations clash with ours. For me the key is commitment and communication.

But if i think of specifics that changed from dating, to having kids and marriage - the typical things we hear that change the dynamic I can say a few things. 

1) When we were dating, we weren't with eachother 24/7. there was a level of anticipation that is difficult to maintain though not impossible. Sometimes, i do miss that anticipation.
2) When we were dating there was seduction. I think sometimes partners may treat the other as an open and available. We are married, I shouldn't have to work for sex type of thing. I think you have to work more when you are married. There were times, especially when my drive was low for whatever reason when i really disliked being treated, like hey you are here, i am here, so roll over.
3) When you are dating, sex is approached as a gift (if you have sex before marriage, which clearly I did), something mutually beneficial that is enjoyed. When you get married it can be approached as an obligation. Although i can agree that for most a healthy marriage involves a mutually satisfying level of intimacy, i can't wrap my head over it being my duty to do have sex with my husband because it's my job as a good wife (even though i know that to be true). Frankly speaking, if you treat your wife like sex is her obligation, you run the risk that this is how she will approach sex. Then you may complain that she is not into it or doesn't do it right, or not as often as you like, etc. So I know that as a good wife, i should not be neglectful of my husband's needs, but i need a husband that isn't going to threaten or manipulate me into having sex with him. Sex is one form of intimacy, and both partners should see it as a form or pleasure and connection.
4) In the end, i think there are benefits to being committed throughout the changes. I think commitment allows you to reach a level of trust necessary to really enjoy all aspects of sex and intimacy.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> Just as a frame of reference how old are you? I'm 44 and she is 50.


I'm 42 she's 45.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

I didn't vote because we didn't have sex before marriage, so I'm not really sure my story applies here. We did talk about expectations and such, and had some very open and honest discussions. Looking back, and after reading here on TAM for a while, I probably should have scared my man away. The issues regarding sex were issues that *I * had, so if anything, the changes I made for myself improved my ability to enjoy sex the way it was meant to be enjoyed.


Anyway I did want to touch on this point.



Caribbean Man said:


> The first part of your statement is so true!
> *We make time for sex and intimacy before marriage and then after, we sometimes try to" squeeze it in "  our " busy " schedules*.
> If sex and intimacy are important to us then we need to work on it as a couple, and not just one person suddenly loosing interest and so forth.
> Maybe to some couples the rhythm comes naturally?
> Maybe to others , because of external stressors, they may need to work harder.



Just an observation that I've made , but this seems to happen more times than not for many couples. Sometimes it's not about not wanting your spouse, but jobs, kids, and life in general can get in the way. I think where the problem occurs is when it's left like that for too long, or when one partner brings up the issue and the other partner doesn't "hear" what's being said.

Just my .02


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## mhg's-wife (Dec 6, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Uhhh I beg to differ. The only thing that declined our sex life at all was when he started battling psychological disorders and the side effects of the drugs the doctors put him on for those disorders. Otherwise, there was NO change in our sex life after the kids were born.


:iagree:

Four children under 11 didn't hinder our sex life at all. In fact it may have even been a bit of a help...always feeling each other up when the kids weren't looking kept us on the simmer all the time. Kids having a movie night, parents having a quickie....kids asleep, parents NOT asleep...kids visiting family/friends, parents going berserk at home....kids at school and playgroup, parents...well you see where I'm going with this.

I think it depends on how much effort you put into keeping things alive and interesting.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

mhg's-wife said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> I think it depends on how much effort you put into keeping things alive and interesting.


I agree . Actually on of my fears is that things will change because we are about to make some big changes in our family. So I can only hope we grow and change with it for the better.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

TrustInUs said:


> I didn't vote because we didn't have sex before marriage, so I'm not really sure my story applies here.


Of course your story applies!
And you can vote because if you guys went from no sex to lots of sex after marriage , then it has IMPROVED!:rofl:

But on a serious note, my wife and I didn't have sex before marriage either. It was strictly her rule , and like a 
" sweet little puppy" I agreed.
But,
I have absolutely no regrets.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> It took me doing some hard work on myself, as well as pushing things a bit to get them to improve. I do think things are better than ever, because there is a trust level that was not there in the beginning. My wife is much more open and comfortable with herself and us.


What did you do that changed? How did you get her to open up?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

FalconKing said:


> What did you do that changed? How did you get her to open up?


Falcon,
Are you married , brother?:rofl:
Did you vote in the poll?
Just Kidding,
Carry on!


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Falcon,
> Are you married , brother?:rofl:
> Did you vote in the poll?
> Just Kidding,
> Carry on!


 I wish I could participate more. But I do hope to gain tidbits on things that will help me in relationships and marriage. I like threads like these. Some much insight to be gained.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Caribbean Man said:


> So you're saying that even though you all didn't specifically talk about it before, after 20 years [ ? ] you guys developed a particular rhythm and you are still, very much, enjoying it.
> 
> Am I correct?


yes, thats what im saying. we couldnt really talk about sex, other than what we saw on porn..kinda abstracted third party if you will. i saw piv, and i knew the idea behind it, but i didnt know how it felt or, the feelings surrounding actual factual piv.

we were just talking about this very thing a month or so ago, and i said, you cant talk about a subject you dont know. we knew church, we didnt know how we wanted to worship, but we knew how we didnt.

we didnt have jobs, or other long term relationships, or adult relationships for that matter. and yes, its been 20-ish years.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Pandakiss said:


> yes, thats what im saying. we couldnt really talk about sex, other than what we saw on porn..kinda abstracted third party if you will. * i saw piv, and i knew the idea behind it, but i didnt know how it felt or, the feelings surrounding actual factual piv.*
> 
> we were just talking about this very thing a month or so ago, and i said, you cant talk about a subject you dont know. we knew church, we didnt know how we wanted to worship, but we knew how we didnt.
> 
> we didnt have jobs, or other long term relationships, or adult relationships for that matter. and yes, its been 20-ish years.



May I ask how old were you guys when you all first started?

Was he your first and only ? [ I think that is kinda nice!]


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

mhg's-wife said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Four children under 11 didn't hinder our sex life at all. In fact it may have even been a bit of a help...always feeling each other up when the kids weren't looking kept us on the simmer all the time. Kids having a movie night, parents having a quickie....kids asleep, parents NOT asleep...kids visiting family/friends, parents going berserk at home....kids at school and playgroup, parents...well you see where I'm going with this.
> 
> I think it depends on how much effort you put into keeping things alive and interesting.


This post reminded me.... For anyone with young kids, if you've ever played hide and seek... The kids hide and you go "seek" your spouse. It's amazing what can happen when you get lost trying to find the kids.



Caribbean Man said:


> Of course your story applies!
> And you can vote because if you guys went from no sex to lots of sex after marriage , then it has IMPROVED!:rofl:


I'm not even sure how I didn't lose any weight the first two years yeah lots is about right!

Okay h/j over


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

mhg's-wife said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Four children under 11 didn't hinder our sex life at all. In fact it may have even been a bit of a help...always feeling each other up when the kids weren't looking kept us on the simmer all the time. Kids having a movie night, parents having a quickie....kids asleep, parents NOT asleep...kids visiting family/friends, parents going berserk at home....kids at school and playgroup, parents...well you see where I'm going with this.
> 
> I think it depends on how much effort you put into keeping things alive and interesting.


This is how we are *NOW*...after I got my head out of my a$$..... When I hear that old Tommy James song.... " I Think We're Alone Now "...it's like we're running off ...not to get away from our parents -- but our kids !!

If Intimacy is important ...a couple will *make the time*, they will brainstorm ~ get creative / shift the schedules a little.... Ain't no way our kids would stop me, I'd be grouchier to live with - if I wasn't getting my "Daddy time".. 

If he is too tired at night, he tells me with a  ... "wake me up in a few"....and me, I'll JUMP to get at 5 am - just for a romp. When things are important & you love being there ~ that's just what you do.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

^^^^^^
Somehow I knew that SA would have responded to that post!


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

The poll was a little tricky to vote on because it was different questions. We did talk about expectations before getting married. 
We had sex some before marriage, not a lot, but some. We went through a period of wanting to hold off until we got married, though we had already had sex. 
I also have heard and knew about the idea that if you count up the amount of times you have sex in your first year of marriage, in the years following it a couple is likely to never match that total combined. While I have not kept track of the amount of time in the following years ( I did count during our first year), it would be pretty accurate to say we have not matched that first years amount in the total years since then.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

We've been married 25 years. Our sex life was okay before marriage, got better after we got married. Got a little stale until she wanted kids. It was difficult getting her pregnant the first time. Sex became kind of a chore, not necessarily a bad one, but kind of chore-ish. After our first when she wanted to get pregnant again, the sex was stellar and she got preggers right away. Then sex got stale again. Then we went off the reservation for a while. Got our heads straight again and the sex slowly started getting better as we started talking more. Today, the sex exceeds any hopes I had for sex when we first got married.

So it's been kind of a roller coaster for us but it's great now.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sex hasn't changed in this house. Sure, we're more quiet now and sometimes there's a couple weeks here and there that it's not happening because of stress, etc...but in those times, we just hang out and enjoy each other.

We came together with a bang. It was more passion than I had ever experienced...and it's still there. 

We have a lock on our door for a reason.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Caribbean Man said:


> May I ask how old were you guys when you all first started?
> 
> Was he your first and only ? [ I think that is kinda nice!]



We first started "going out" when I was 13, and he was 12. Solid for a while apart for 10 months, got back together. 

I turned 34, and he 33 this summer. It's nice to be onlys but sometimes a point of reference or a little experience could have helped some. 

But you figure it out and go from there.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Zanne said:


> If we had a great marriage the sex would be so much more meaningful and would bring us closer. I do miss that.


I'm guessing that its not too late to work on it?
Yes?
The kids are probably big enough to take care of themselves now. Maybe you guys could retrospect , pinpoint the problems and move forward?
23 years is indeed quite a long time to be with your high school sweetheart!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I also have heard and knew about the idea that if you count up the amount of times you have sex in your first year of marriage, in the years following it a couple is likely to never match that total combined.


Lord in heaven - TAM makes me love my H so much!

I never realized what a big issue this was until I started reading here. Our frequency is about what it was when we got married & has always been right for us (3 to 4x/wk - maybe 4 to 5 in the first years). I don't know if this is good for other people, but it works for us. Maybe what I'm starting to be most grateful for is that my H and I are on the same wavelength about this & appear always to have been.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

alte Dame said:


> Lord in heaven - TAM makes me love my H so much!
> 
> I never realized what a big issue this was until I started reading here. Our frequency is about what it was when we got married & has always been right for us (3 to 4x/wk - maybe 4 to 5 in the first years). I don't know if this is good for other people, but it works for us. Maybe what I'm starting to be most grateful for is that my H and I are on the same wavelength about this & appear always to have been.


Our first year of marriage I think we averaged about 3 times a week. We have in the years since that matched that years total due to the times we were really trying to get pregnant. But if not for trying we would still probably need another year or so to get to that amount. Now, I sure don't want 3 times a week again. I would be perfectly happy with once a week average in a marriage.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Zanne said:


> MI agree with SA on her #3 kids in bed... definitely a mood killer for my H! It was something we fought about a lot.


My husband never said ONE FREAKING word to me, I remember years ago...I was kissing one of the babies over & over right beside him...kinda like an Italian Grandma does... he looks at me -probably out of irritation... I say to him ...."are you jealous of the baby?".... 

I don't know why I said this, maybe it was one of those SH** test moments ...maybe I wanted him to tell me he was - but that is what came out of my mouth. 

Now....this was HIS OPPORTUNITY to say something, to let it rip.. say ...."I love my children but I want my wife [email protected]#$% " ..*SOMETHING*....... but no... he says he's not jealous and rolls over. 

I brought that up to him 4 yrs ago...this exchange.... I asked WHY? - after we opened up how we missed each other in the past so badly I cried..... he said he felt I had an attitude..... but Honestly... I can't say I did.....was I stupid... to the heights...but I wasn't a mind reader...I had no ill will ....I just loved my babies...*if only I knew* what was really simmering under the surface. 

It wasn't 3 kids in bed... It was one at a time (well sometimes 2) (5 babies in 10 yrs).... plus they crashed on the floor below us... our bedroom = Grand central station..... so many times...







under the covers with them sleeping below us on the floor.....we were very quiet. 

Had I not went through yrs of trying so desperately to conceive.... I doubt I would have showered them with so much attention, heck then I probably would have taken THEM for granted!! 

But yeah.... I WISH my husband would have fought with me, told me what for ~ shared how he really felt- what he wanted .... I do believe I would have cared - he was always so wonderful to me, I can't imagine pushing him aside..I really was a dumb broad on this one :banghead: .... Water under this bridge.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> *What happens inevitably is that other men stop looking much at all. You notice that you're more and more invisible to men out there in the wider world & you can't help but think that your H is more interested in the beauty of youth. You don't stop to realize that it works both ways. So you take note of the differences in yourself and you get a little more inhibited, you perhaps think that some things are better left to the younger people. You feel a bit silly, I suppose, doing the things you felt comfortable with when you were thirty.*


I've reread your post and this part is interesting.
I am wondering perhaps, it would help if a man took the extra time to reassure his wife and continue to give her sexual validation in a situation like this.

Maybe spend more time and effort on building her self esteem where she feels low , and making her feel like the
" one & only" and not just " the wife."
I am thinking that as we age [ men] , the old " roll over let me stick it in " approach to sex needs to give way to more seduction , passionate love making , and connecting on a deeper , intimate level.

Just my thoughts, I am halfway there, so I'm just thinking!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Our first year of marriage I think we averaged about 3 times a week. We have in the years since that matched that years total due to the times we were really trying to get pregnant. But if not for trying we would still probably need another year or so to get to that amount. Now, I sure don't want 3 times a week again. I would be perfectly happy with once a week average in a marriage.


Well,
Our frequency during the fist year was at an all time high!
Many times we just stayed inside , took days off and called in sick , all in the name of sex.
We had sex like three four times a day / night.
That was the first six months.
Then it went to about once per day except during her period.
Then I started my own business by year two and it went to three times / week, excluding weekends. We always had sex on weekends.
Later on a pattern developed that exist now.

Sometimes we have sex every day for one week and then absolute no sex, just maybe cuddling , rubbing up against each other , hugging , kissing etc, for sometime. Then it gets all " hot and sweaty" again.
But it all depends on my drive. Left up to her she would want it everyday. 
Stress is a libido killer for me.
But the weekend rule is still in effect, we always have sex on weekends.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Caribbean Man said:


> Well,
> Our frequency during the fist year was at an all time high!
> Many times we just stayed inside , took days off and called in sick , all in the name of sex.
> We had sex like three four times a day / night.
> ...


That just seems like a lot of sex.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> you get a little more inhibited, you perhaps think that some things are better left to the younger people. You feel a bit silly, I suppose, doing the things you felt comfortable with when you were thirty.
> 
> In any event, if you can have a healthy attitude that you are aging together and that it's different, but not worse, then some of the inhibitions melt away.


OK, fair enough. Different, we say that alot (actually always in German, "ist halt anderes").

When I said "I wish she would have said something sooner as in the past" I was a bit unfair. This phase in life is new to her too.




Caribbean Man said:


> I am thinking that as we age [ men] , the old " roll over let me stick it in " approach to sex needs to give way to more seduction , passionate love making , and connecting on a deeper , intimate level.


LOL on the "roll over", that was us. But yes, this is what I'm finding with Mrs P. And it's both inside and outside the bedroom.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

gbrad said:


> That just seems like a lot of sex.


Actually only in the first three years.
I gradually decreased over time.
So your theory may be correct?
But no way I could have kept up with all of that sex!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

OK, some of you guys want to know what your wives are thinking as they get older. Here it is:

"We used to have great, passionate sex. I could feel the sizzle. Now I'm older and will never again be a hot, young thing. The passion seems to be gone. Things are more routine and I can't believe that my older lady body is doing it for him. Is he just doing his duty?"

In a nutshell.


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

I'd possibly be the only example of my kind here then...
Got engaged to a guy I didn't even know existed a day prior to it... no it was not a love at first sight that led to an instant engagement...it was a traditional arranged marriage...
And needless to say, we both were virgins when we got married...

I would also possibly be the only example of my kind here when I say we had less sex when we both were alone with less on our minds...and more sex now when we have two children and more on our minds over-all....

Life is strange!


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> I understand your point of view, but the question still remains why?
> 
> Because if I love this girl and whilst we were dating we
> " burned through the entire Kama Sutra ", does that automatically mean that after marriage we would get bored in bed?
> ...


No, I don't think it happens automatically, but - its a trend I've noticed when reading some threads on TAM. Which, ultimately, the problem could indeed be sexual compatibility. 

Some partners enjoy the thrill of something "new" and getting their partner to "open up" and accept more into their sexual repertoire. This may or may not be inspired by porn, which is providing the new ideas. Or - quite simply they've always had certain sexual desires that they were not completely honest with their partner about before marriage. You can read all manner of threads about how partners weren't honest about their sexual needs - frequency, certain acts (including a desire to include other people) and then when the truth comes out, the unaware spouse feels totally taken advantage of and tricked. 

The "thrill seeking" partner tends to see the rejection of new sexual acts as complete sexual rejection. Some will take the line that they are "owed" these new sexual acts because of things done outside the bedroom - chores, paycheck, whatnot. Some will then apply undue pressure for their partner to perform acts they are not comfortable with - see the mulitple threads about people guilted into threesomes. 

This seems to especially be a big thing if a partner has had former partners, and there's an underlying jealously that that did X with Y, but not with them. How they were "cheated." 

And I think therein lies the problem - if you are person with this attitude/mindset that sex is a checklist about the things you've done - and you've already done it all - where do you go from there? The people who display this attitude are the ones who start making posts about how they miss the "newness" of different partners, and try and justify cheating. 

So - I think some people need to do some honest soul searching about whether or not the sexual and emotional needs are actually compatibility with monogamous marriage. And I honestly think some people aren't.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

As for my personal response to the poll questions. We didn't really talk about sex before marriage, and indeed though we had pre-marriage counseling, as it was through a rather conservative church, so rather than focus on sexual expectations or sexual compatibility, it focused on what types of birth control were inappropriate, and whether birth control at all is appropriate (there's one family in our former church with 12 kids.) 

We couldn't really confess we were having sex, as there were already occassional sermons about how pre-maritial sex was ruining the foundation of the family, and hints about how it was known about members of the congregation. So - we didn't discuss it between us either, I think with the feeling that discussing it somehow made it more wrong. This could be a whole thread in and of itself. 

Our amount of sex has waxed and waned based on various factors. It dropped to zero for two months before our wedding, because of the above, which is our longest dry spell, save the doctor recommended 6 week period after our son was born. It went up when my we were newly weds, I was working, Mr. was working a different job and we only had one car. He came home for lunch sometimes to bring me to work (otherwise I took the bus), and for nooners.  However, he hardly gets a chance to eat lunch at the office these days, let alone come home - so, that's kind of off the schedule these days. However, otherwise things have remained pretty consistent. 

Our fifth anniversary is New Year's.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

I didn't have intercourse before I got married, but my then-girlfriend and I did just about everything else. And we did it nearly every time we had a spare moment together.

Something changed in me after the wedding. I was still panicked about the whole 'commitment' thing. I started worrying about my ability as a husband. I suddenly was very conscious as my performance as a lover. I started applying the "Madonna/*****" sensibility to both of us as a couple; before we were married we were a lot more free, but once we were married I believed that we should behave like polite married folk, and polite married folk don't **** like bunnies in the front yard.

I think we've gotten past most of that, but it took a LONG time.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> While I'm not going to get on a religious high horse, I can say - this might be the danger in "setting the bar too high" when you are dating and doing too much too soon. If, for example, you are willing to do things you might not really be that into because you really want to impress your partner when you are dating, you are setting an expectation that you will continue to do those things.
> 
> It also might leave less to discover/enjoy after marriage if you've already "done it all." And hence the debates about porn and toys because things are "boring" because when you dated you already burned through the entire Kama Sutra.
> 
> ...


Exactlly what my stbxw did... She even said when I asked why things changed: " I wanted to impress you."

Sucks.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> As for my personal response to the poll questions. We didn't really talk about sex before marriage, and indeed though we had pre-marriage counseling, as it was through a rather conservative church, so rather than focus on sexual expectations or sexual compatibility, it focused on what types of birth control were inappropriate, and whether birth control at all is appropriate (there's one family in our former church with 12 kids.)
> 
> We couldn't really confess we were having sex, as there were already occassional sermons about how pre-maritial sex was ruining the foundation of the family, and hints about how it was known about members of the congregation. So - we didn't discuss it between us either, I think with the feeling that discussing it somehow made it more wrong. This could be a whole thread in and of itself.
> 
> ...


Congratulations and best wishes!
Looks like you two have a lot to look forward to in the New Year.

Appreciate your post .


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Sex should increase in frequency (assuming you didn't live together) and expand your repertoire because of time, trust and love.
> 
> Things slow down due to distractions in life and children (most women can't for 6 weeks after birth anyway) and exhaustion, but there should be an ebb and flow - it should return to previous levels as life allows.
> 
> ...


My marriage is currently going down the toilet.. However, it was strategically planned by my WW spouse.

She ensured to sabatoge the relatonship early on due to her abandonment issues.. The sex went down the drain due to my reactions to her mental abuse.. she fulfilled her prophesy.

Done that to every H she has ever had. 

She is not a good spouse.. she is also registered at Cheaterville.

I laugh when I look it up on how many views she has had (over 200,000) curently.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

My sex life has DEFINITELY improved....my wife's not so much....KIDDING!

Seriously though. Our sex life has been getting better from day one. Through communication with each other about wants and desires and security in one another that we can be that open. It just keeps getting better. The frequency goes up and down but we never go more than a week without intimacy.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

alte Dame said:


> OK, some of you guys want to know what your wives are thinking as they get older. Here it is:
> 
> "We used to have great, passionate sex. I could feel the sizzle. Now I'm older and will never again be a hot, young thing. The passion seems to be gone. Things are more routine and I can't believe that my older lady body is doing it for him. Is he just doing his duty?"
> 
> In a nutshell.


Well, another instance when the wives are right in what they are thinking, but the husband would be a fool to actually admit it.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Well, another instance when the wives are right in what they are thinking, but the husband would be a fool to actually admit it.


Yes, sigh....

The problem is that it works both ways - the older man body has its own issues. So what's to be done? Do men get that their wives are noting the changes in them, too?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

alte Dame said:


> Yes, sigh....
> 
> The problem is that it works both ways - the older man body has its own issues. So what's to be done? Do men get that their wives are noting the changes in them, too?


I have heard my wife and other women I work with as well say that men are more likely to get better looking as they age than women are. 

I can't help but agree with that.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Gbrad, 
First year was X. Remaining 20+ years were on average 40 percent of x. 

But we had some spikes around the 10 year mark.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Yes, sigh....
> 
> The problem is that it works both ways - the older man body has its own issues. So what's to be done? Do men get that their wives are noting the changes in them, too?


Sometimes I wonder this as well.
As men get older performance issues tend to arise . Depending on lifestyle and job , stress plays a significant factor in reducing performance frequency . This in turn may cause some men to shut off. No man likes to feel as though he cannot fully please his wife in bed.
This would cause problems , because she may want to be supportive , but she may never fully understand how he deeply it affects him. 
Even though there are ED drugs and so forth , a man likes to know that he's full in charge of his bodily functions, that gives him self confidence.
It's a complex issue , because in reality, he does not want sympathy and understanding from his wife , he wants her respect and admiration in bed.
So yes, it affects both sexes.


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## JediG (Nov 9, 2012)

Sex has never been an issue in my marriage. Granted, we've only been married for seven months, but nothing in our lifestyle changed when we got married as we had already been living together for... fourteen years, I think, beforehand. We're still averaging three times a week. If anything has affected our sex life I think it's been work. We're both teachers, and the day starts at six and ends at five. Some days (especially around the end of a semester) we will just walk in the front door and straight in to bed and sleep until the next morning for about three weeks. 

But our two daughters are currently only four months old and don't require that much of our attention, really. Perhaps in coming years they might have an impact on our various bedroom activities, but then again I've heard stories from people saying that the amount of sex they're having actually increases because they get more alone time than they predicted and are in the mentality of "WE HAVE TO DO THIS WHENEVER WE CAN", and that turns out to be quite often.


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