# Hubby's parents can't stay true to their words



## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

I'll try to make this short. A few months ago, my husband's parents visited us and started talking about organizing a small celebration function for my FIL's retirement in August. They mentioned how they also wanted to celebrate our wedding (kind of like a reception) and invite all the folks they couldn't when we got married last year. We were quite happy and volunteered to help. They said they would leave the planning part to us and gave us a budget to work within. We were happy to help and started looking for venues right after they left. We even had a pointless debate over whether to have a cake or not. 

A few days later, however, when we had shortlisted options and even worked out a menu, they called us and said they would rather organize a small lunch at home, spend only 1/4th of the budget, and give the remaining amount to us for our work (I had shared plans of shifting my dance studio). But because we had already made so many plans we insisted on going ahead with the original plan but they seemed to have made up their minds. I was a little upset initially but let it go because my husband explained to me how that money will be of great use to us and we wouldn't have to worry about funds when we do start the shifting process. So I agreed.

A few weeks ago, the landlord of our current residence, where I also have my studio, called and expressed his anger towards us having 4 pets. We have had pets for over a year and he didn't seem to have any issues, so this was rather out of the blue. He clearly told us to vacate in 2 months. I panicked as I had not planned to shift for another 4 months but it didn't seem like we had much of a choice. It was more important to find a studio space first so we immediately started looking for places. I shared with my H how it would be a nice time for your parents to give us those funds now. When he spoke to his mother about it, she shared with him how they were now going to organize a full-fledged function at home and they would be spending almost the same amount of money that was initially decided. Needless to mention, this sent me into panic mode and I was pissed as hell. I was sick of them taking us for a ride and not taking anything seriously. Clearly their word meant nothing. H confronted his dad about it and he said they would not be able to dish out so much money, and it seemed like they had resentments of their own. 

I didn't think I would be able to go for their "small lunch" anymore, and so I shared with my H that I won't be able to pretend like everything is okay after what has happened, especially since we now need to think of other sources to arrange funds. He agreed and said he didn't want to go either. Today, he spoke with his mom again about how much their indecisiveness had affected us and how they should try to keep their word. She initially was defensive but then said that she would give the amount that we needed regardless of the money they spend on their event. When he shared this with me, my first reaction was not to believe it. I had put my trust in them too many times to think they would follow through this time. So I told him until they actually do something rather than just talking, I won't actually believe it and neither will I want to go for their function. Its time to walk the talk. But he seemed to have been swayed by that conversation and now wants to go. He said not going will cause resentment and also, he didn't know how to say no once she had offered money again. He also said that incase I still don't want to go, he will consider going alone. We had an argument about this too, since it didn't seem like it would be that easy to change his mind when he said it first. It just took more sweet words to sway him. I feel like going will just be akin to giving them a free ticket and they will do this again. I am also upset at H for not sticking to what we had decided and believing in their words AGAIN.

Any thoughts?


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Judge people by their actions not their words.
What’s to stop your in laws giving you the money immediately.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Money from family is a gift. One that it's rather impolite to be offended to not receive. Because, like any gift, you're not really entitled to it. That's what makes it a gift. Try to remember that it is, after all, their money. What they ultimately decide to do with it is up to them. 

That said, you now know that your in-laws are fickle. So, going forward, don't make plans around any money they say they'll give you until you actually have it in-hand. Until you do have it in-hand, it's just nice words that don't really mean anything. 


By the way, this level of family drama just sounds exhausting.


----------



## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

It seems like they like to get credit for their ideas and generosity without actually having to pony up. Now you know and you can plan accordingly. Don't count on them and whenever they offer something, you smile, nod and say "What a lovely idea." And then leave it at that.

On your end, it seems you treated their gift as an entitlement. I can understand why and all, but really it is unwise to do. For the party, originally, there was nothing wrong with them changing the plan. According to you, it had only been several days since they made the original offer. Perhaps they had another look at their finances and realized what they thought they could do was no longer feasible. The wise thing to do would have been to say you understood and to allow them to go about doing what they offered at their leisure and without expectation. Perhaps your response to their adjustment of plans caused some resentment. Like I said, it had only been a few days and you've already got so many plans made that you cannot change so you need to go ahead? That just sounds a bit off. 

Regardless, now you know that you cannot count your chickens before they hatch. Depend only yourself to handle your needs and graciously accept or decline any gifts. And, gifts is the operative word here because these things they offer are indeed gifts. Perhaps your attitude of entitlement has put them off.

My suggestion is to go to whatever party they put together for you and enjoy yourselves. Be grateful for whatever you do get and count on nothing. Should be that way anyway.


----------



## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

Rowan said:


> Money from family is a gift. One that it's rather impolite to be offended to not receive. Because, like any gift, you're not really entitled to it. That's what makes it a gift. Try to remember that it is, after all, their money. What they ultimately decide to do with it is up to them.
> 
> That said, you now know that your in-laws are fickle. So, going forward, don't make plans around any money they say they'll give you until you actually have it in-hand. Until you do have it in-hand, it's just nice words that don't really mean anything.
> 
> ...


No no, I am not upset about the fact that they're not giving the money. It's entirely upto them because, as you said, it is their money. However I was counting on it and hence did not start any loan application process, etc. And now it is too late to get a loan that fast. Infact I was initially quite apprehensive and my H assured me that they seemed sincere this time. I am simply upset that they keep changing their words and we never know what to believe. Isn't that an exhausting situation to be in?


----------



## Shoyoself (Aug 18, 2017)

I may be having problems with reading comprehension, but it sounds like now you don’t/won’t attend their lunch unless they give you money? 
Maybe take a step back and look at your priorities and motivations. A gift wether given in the end or not should not cause resentments.


----------



## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

Magnesium said:


> It seems like they like to get credit for their ideas and generosity without actually having to pony up. Now you know and you can plan accordingly. Don't count on them and whenever they offer something, you smile, nod and say "What a lovely idea." And then leave it at that.
> 
> On your end, it seems you treated their gift as an entitlement. I can understand why and all, but really it is unwise to do. For the party, originally, there was nothing wrong with them changing the plan. According to you, it had only been several days since they made the original offer. Perhaps they had another look at their finances and realized what they thought they could do was no longer feasible. The wise thing to do would have been to say you understood and to allow them to go about doing what they offered at their leisure and without expectation. *Perhaps your response to their adjustment of plans caused some resentment. Like I said, it had only been a few days and you've already got so many plans made that you cannot change so you need to go ahead? That just sounds a bit off. *
> 
> ...


 @bold - It was not that the plans could not be changed, it was simply that we were really looking forward to this and were happy about it. Nothing else. Also, we only made the suggestion, there was no insistence of any kind. 

Also, as I mentioned in the post above, I never thought for one moment that it is somehow my right to receive that money. At the time when we were talking about the sources of money available to us, we took them into consideration because their offer seemed sincere and it felt unnecessary to apply for a loan when they had already offered money to us. As it is, the loan process here is very taxing and their offer came as a relief. But I do believe that I made a mistake in relying on it and not having a back up plan. That is a lesson learnt for sure.


----------



## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Aburjwal said:


> No no, I am not upset about the fact that they're not giving the money. It's entirely upto them because, as you said, it is their money. However I was counting on it and hence did not start any loan application process, etc. And now it is too late to get a loan that fast. Infact I was initially quite apprehensive and my H assured me that they seemed sincere this time. I am simply upset that they keep changing their words and we never know what to believe. Isn't that an exhausting situation to be in?


Counting on it was your mistake - yours and your husbands. You have to be willing and able to handle your own needs and treat anything that anyone else gives or offers as extra. 

Now you know and you can proceed from there. It is nothing to ruin relationships over. You and your in-laws both made some mistakes here and that can be forgiven and adjusted for in the future.

I think you need to change your attitude about the lunch/party and go there with a grateful and forgiving spirit and attitude. I mean, if it ever even materializes.


----------



## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

Shoyoself said:


> I may be having problems with reading comprehension, but it sounds like now you don’t/won’t attend their lunch unless they give you money?
> Maybe take a step back and look at your priorities and motivations. A gift wether given in the end or not should not cause resentments.


Once again, I really want to clarify that I am not throwing a tantrum about them not giving the money. Its about constantly changing one's word and never really following through. Yes, I made a mistake in relying on them and not considering other options; I had no idea they would change their mind. Even now, I have no idea what they're going to do. And yes, I am planning to decline their offer completely. 

Consider this - we said we would go to their party. Now if we don't, they are going to remember that and taunt us for a very, very long time to come. We will be guilt-tripped at every chance. It will be the letdown of the century. I can say this because it has happened before. Shouldn't the same understanding be extended to us too, if we changed our plans?


----------



## Shoyoself (Aug 18, 2017)

Magnesium said:


> Counting on it was your mistake - yours and your husbands. You have to be willing and able to handle your own needs and treat anything that anyone else gives or offers as extra.
> 
> Now you know and you can proceed from there. It is nothing to ruin relationships over. You and your in-laws both made some mistakes here and that can be forgiven and adjusted for in the future.
> 
> I think you need to change your attitude about the lunch/party and go there with a grateful and forgiving spirit and attitude. I mean, if it ever even materializes.


Yup. As you (OP) said in your last reply, it is a learning experience. And if you enjoy your in laws company, be grateful for the time you have with them.


----------



## Shoyoself (Aug 18, 2017)

Aburjwal said:


> Once again, I really want to clarify that I am not throwing a tantrum about them not giving the money. Its about constantly changing one's word and never really following through. Yes, I made a mistake in relying on them and not considering other options; I had no idea they would change their mind. Even now, I have no idea what they're going to do. And yes, I am planning to decline their offer completely.
> 
> Consider this - we said we would go to their party. Now if we don't, they are going to remember that and taunt us for a very, very long time to come. We will be guilt-tripped at every chance. It will be the letdown of the century. I can say this because it has happened before. Shouldn't the same understanding be extended to us too, if we changed our plans?


Nope, you hold yourself to your own standards and let others figure out their own paths. If you want to go to the party, go without guilt or pretense. If you don’t go, bow out with grace and don’t let any attempt at guilt tripping affect you. You do you. Be the person that you want to be.
You can’t control other people or their reactions.


----------



## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

Shoyoself said:


> Nope, *you hold yourself to your own standards* and let others figure out their own paths. If you want to go to the party, go without guilt or pretense. If you don’t go, bow out with grace and don’t let any attempt at guilt tripping affect you. You do you. Be the person that you want to be.


I guess I need to really start living by that. I am not sure if I will go yet, maybe I will have a clearer idea in a few days. What do you think about H expressing the idea to go alone?


----------



## Shoyoself (Aug 18, 2017)

Aburjwal said:


> I guess I need to really start living by that. I am not sure if I will go yet, maybe I will have a clearer idea in a few days. What do you think about H expressing the idea to go alone?


Sounds like you’re on the right track. Your answer may be clear in a few days. If you think you can go just for the sake of going and enjoying it, then go for sure. If you only want to go for your husband’s sake, then you might discuss it with him and make sure that it’s important to him.
My wife and I have a policy to generally not do what we really don’t want to do. But if something is really important to one of us, we will make an exception because while I might not want to go to a specific family event, I want to be a good and supporting partner, and sometimes that is the best thing for her, me, and us. 
I hope that that makes sense. Typing on a phone is difficult sometimes...
Either way, I’m happy that you’re posting and thinking about this. It is a good learning experience and opportunity for growth


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Aburjwal said:


> I guess I need to really start living by that. I am not sure if I will go yet, maybe I will have a clearer idea in a few days. What do you think about H expressing the idea to go alone?


If I were in your shoes I would go to the party but I would go as a guest.In other words I would do nothing to help with the organization of said party,prepare no food or anything else and give a token gift if at all.
And under no circumstances accept any money from them.By the sound of things they will never let you or anyone else ever forget that they gave you money and I would go as far as to suggest that they may expect a piece of your business in return for giving you the cash.
When it comes to toxic in laws I could write a book.The best way to tolerate them is to treat them like anyone else you have to socialize with but aren’t really friendly with.Polite but distant.


----------



## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Aburjwal said:
> 
> 
> > I guess I need to really start living by that. I am not sure if I will go yet, maybe I will have a clearer idea in a few days. What do you think about H expressing the idea to go alone?
> ...


But thats the thing though, if we go they will expect a certain amount of involvement and to welcome their guests as our own. And despite the fact that we have communicated not to include our reception in their party, they might even go ahead and tell everyone they threw it on our behalf. I don't know how to go there and still maintain those boundaries.

And yes I will not accept that money anymore. No more of the roller coaster ride.


----------



## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

Shoyoself said:


> Aburjwal said:
> 
> 
> > I guess I need to really start living by that. I am not sure if I will go yet, maybe I will have a clearer idea in a few days. What do you think about H expressing the idea to go alone?
> ...


Well my H said he wants to go because he doesn't want to deal with future resentments, particularly towards me because they might just put the entire blame on me. He said he doesn't want so much unpleasantness.

It might be important to him but he hasn't specifically said anything of that sort. I have a feeling he doesn't want to disappoint his parents.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'll keep it simple: expectations. They'll bite you in the butt every single time.

This time YOU expected them to say what they mean and mean what they say. They are remaining true-to-form. 

My take on this is you are annoyed with them because they failed to meet your expectations. Am I siding with them? Frankly, no. It drives me nuts when people don't follow through on promises. This is who they are. This is what they do. The are lousy at following through on what they tell you they'll do.

Don't expect anything from them, regardless of what they promise. You won't get upset. Just let this go. Be the bigger person and go to the function.

Again, no expectations = no frustration.


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Is it possible that this is an issue of control? (Not them being wishy washy, etc.) I would lean toward being supportive of my husband and not put him in the position of being between you and them. They are likely to be in your life for a long time. You acting with maturity would put you in the best light. When you have children, you will likely have more power. Are there cultural expectations or norms to be considered?


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Aburjwal said:


> But thats the thing though, if we go they will expect a certain amount of involvement...


Doesn’t matter what they “will expect” or how involved they want you to be. You’re making this more complicated than it really is. 

They (the in laws) can not control what time you arrive and depart from the party. They can’t force you to bring food, help setup or help cleanup. So simply arrive when the other guests arrive and leave when they leave.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

happy as a clam said:


> Doesn’t matter what they “will expect” or how involved they want you to be. You’re making this more complicated than it really is.
> 
> They (the in laws) can not control what time you arrive and depart from the party. They can’t force you to bring food, help setup or help cleanup. So simply arrive when the other guests arrive and leave when they leave.


Hey! I was going to say that lol.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You sound spoiled and entitled. His parents owe neither of you anything and you are both working adults who should be able to sort out your own finances, anything from his parents would be an added bonus simply. 
You sound as if you are from a non-western culture, so I get that expectation of parents are different. However, your suggestion to not go to the function just because the way your in-laws are spending or not spending their money sounds vindictive and childish.
Seriously you and your H need to work out your own problems and stop depending on parents. You are not entitled to anything in the grand scheme of things and should act accordingly.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I may be missing something, but why do you need a loan just because you have to move to another home? 

I also think that adults need to make their own way in life.


----------



## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

aine said:


> You sound spoiled and entitled. His parents owe neither of you anything and you are both working adults who should be able to sort out your own finances, anything from his parents would be an added bonus simply.
> You sound as if you are from a non-western culture, so I get that expectation of parents are different. However, your suggestion to not go to the function just because the way your in-laws are spending or not spending their money sounds vindictive and childish.
> Seriously you and your H need to work out your own problems and stop depending on parents. You are not entitled to anything in the grand scheme of things and should act accordingly.


Seriously? I really don't appreciate your judgemental tone. I have explained my reasons for not going and also why I was upset in the previous posts. If at all you choose to see beyond your own notions you would understand that.

As always the bashing in the forum never stops.


----------



## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I may be missing something, but why do you need a loan just because you have to move to another home?
> 
> I also think that adults need to make their own way in life.


Not to move to another home, as mentioned in the post, I will need a loan to move my dance studio because of flooring, mirrors, lighting, sound proofing etc.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Do his parents have a history of being wishy washy? If so I would simply not ever plan any events or depend on any contributions from them ever again. Expect nothing and you will never be disappointed.

As for the money get a bank loan if needed. If you have a legitimate business run it as such, borrowing or hoping for money from family is poor financial philosophy, the cost is always too high.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Aburjwal said:


> Seriously? I really don't appreciate your judgemental tone. I have explained my reasons for not going and also why I was upset in the previous posts. If at all you choose to see beyond your own notions you would understand that.
> 
> As always the bashing in the forum never stops.


I’m sorry if I sound judgemental to you but as adults you ought to sort out your own finances and stop depending on parents.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Aburjwal said:


> No no, I am not upset about the fact that they're not giving the money. It's entirely upto them because, as you said, it is their money. However I was counting on it and hence did not start any loan application process, etc. And now it is too late to get a loan that fast. Infact I was initially quite apprehensive and my H assured me that they seemed sincere this time. I am simply upset that they keep changing their words and we never know what to believe. Isn't that an exhausting situation to be in?


Where do you live? In the UK my wife and I decided to have an extension built on our house.

We visited our building society on the Wednesday and the money (£12,000) was in our account later that same day.

So applying for a loan might be easier than you think?


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Where do you live? In the UK my wife and I decided to have an extension built on our house.
> 
> We visited our building society on the Wednesday and the money (£12,000) was in our account later that same day.
> 
> So applying for a loan might be easier than you think?


This must have been a long time ago Matt.Twelve grand for an extension,where I live I would just about get a dog house for that.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> This must have been a long time ago Matt.Twelve grand for an extension,where I live I would just about get a dog house for that.


Nope. This last few months. We *did *get a heck of a good deal, though, to be fair.

It's a conservatory, to give it its full title.


----------

