# Which do you prefer, to love or be loved, to pursue or be pursued?



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

In every relationship, love is not always equal. Somebody usually loves the other more. Somebody is the one to initiate the majority of the romance, while the other is the receiver of that love, the "responsive desire". Most people love being desired.

What does " unonditional love" really mean? Does that mean that we love others without any expectations, without strings? Parents usually have unconditional love for their children, even when those beautiful angels become crazy teenagers. 

Why is romantic love so different? Does unconditional romantic love exist?

So if there is no unconditional romantic love, which is better. 

To love or be loved?

To pursue or be pursued?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I want it all (and have it). In my past life it was quite different, love was equal then dislike became equal. He was the initial pursuer and then I was the pursuer till I gave up.

And I don't love anyone unconditionally, that seems foolish to me.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Unconditional romantic love is a fantasy, or at least it should be. No mentally/emotionally healthy person will really continue to love another person no matter how poorly that other person treats them. That's just co-dependent and unhealthy. If someone treats you badly - or even just neglectfully - you _should_ fall out of love with them. 

Loving another no matter what they do or how they treat you is the realm of parental love. And even then, there's a difference between unconditionally loving your child and continuing to tolerate unacceptable behaviors. While the love may still be there, even parents can and should have boundaries regarding the behaviors they put up with from their kids.

So, what I look for in romantic relationships is reciprocal love with healthy boundaries. If one of the parties to a relationship is doing all the giving and the other all the taking, that's not a healthy balance. Unless the giver is pretty co-dependent, that's not going to be sustainable long-term.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

As has been said, you need to have both - being pursued and loved as well as doing the pursuing and loving. And most important of all, not trying to measure or compare who loves who more.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Unconditional love is more of a spiritual thing like loving everything in this world. But romantic/family/friendship love are different.

I love my husband coz he is my husband and coz of who he is. Loving unconditionally would mean loving him whether he is he or he is a lamp or a pot. It matters who he is and how he is he.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Holland said:


> I want it all (and have it). In my past life it was quite different, love was equal then dislike became equal. He was the initial pursuer and then I was the pursuer till I gave up.
> 
> And I don't love anyone unconditionally, that seems foolish to me.



Loving someone or loving someone unconditionally is a choice. You can still choose to love someone unconditionally without wanting to stay married to them or live with them any longer.

I choose to love my children unconditionally, like we all do, no matter what mistakes they may make in life. We could also choose to do likewise with spouses but that doesn't mean we tolerate certain behaviors that wouldn't allow us to stay married to them.

I try to at least love my wife in this way but I wouldn't stay married to her if she crossed certain lines. So I think there could be a distinction there as it pertains to romantic love.

Admittedly, this is just a theory and has never been put to the test. I don't have an ex wife for comparison sake but do think this could be possible.


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

Mostlycontent said:


> Loving someone or loving someone unconditionally is a choice. You can still choose to love someone unconditionally without wanting to stay married to them or live with them any longer.
> 
> ***
> 
> Admittedly, this is just a theory and has never been put to the test. I don't have an ex wife for comparison sake but do think this could be possible.


All I know is that my husband had better not still love his ex-wife. 

Seems like a recipe for misery, to choose to continue to love someone after divorce.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

My main complaint about a lot of love stories is how one sided it is -- one party pursues the other till they finally give in. BS. I agree that people may feel different levels of attachment ('love') for each other but in the end there has to be a genuine want and desire on BOTH sides. I have to feel lucky to have my partner, and my partner has to feel lucky to have me. Any other situation is untenable long term.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

After so many years of doing all the pursuing I'm about ready to say screw it. I want to be pursued now.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Mostlycontent said:


> Loving someone or loving someone unconditionally is a choice. You can still choose to love someone unconditionally without wanting to stay married to them or live with them any longer.
> 
> *I choose to love my children unconditionally, like we all do, no matter what mistakes they may make in life.* We could also choose to do likewise with spouses but that doesn't mean we tolerate certain behaviors that wouldn't allow us to stay married to them.
> 
> ...


No we all don't. I love my children with everything I have but if they were to do something hideous such as rape or child abuse I doubt I would still love them. For me it is on me as a parent to raise them to be exceptional adults and they are well on their way. To say I would love my children unconditionally is a cop out for saying that I can be slack in my parenting role, raise little **** heads and then still love them. Sorry I don't believe in unconditional love after the fact, what I do believe in is taking my role seriously and raising kids that are worthy of all they love I and others can give them.

I do not want to raise kids that then end up treating their partner or others badly and them still expecting to be loved, they like all of us have to be decent people first and be worthy of love.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Holland said:


> No we all don't. I love my children with everything I have but if they were to do something hideous such as rape or child abuse I doubt I would still love them. For me it is on me as a parent to raise them to be exceptional adults and they are well on their way. To say I would love my children unconditionally is a cop out for saying that I can be slack in my parenting role, raise little **** heads and then still love them. Sorry I don't believe in unconditional love after the fact, what I do believe in is taking my role seriously and raising kids that are worthy of all they love I and others can give them.
> 
> I do not want to raise kids that then end up treating their partner or others badly and them still expecting to be loved, they like all of us have to be decent people first and be worthy of love.



I'm wanting to say that I disagree and would always love my kids no matter what but I know what your saying is correct. Their are limits to what I would still call love if one of my kids became a bad adult. I will say the threshold for that is much higher than it was for my x wife. I swore she was my soulmate and I loved her unconditionally. It only took her cheating for me to completely become disgusted by her. I honestly, the day we were married, would Have never thought that possible


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