# Married 26 years and it's over



## Ohio (Nov 7, 2008)

I have been married 26 years and separated for about 3 1/2 months. My husband is 47 and I am 45. We are going to get a divorce. Things have happened so fast and I am struggling on how to start thinking of me and getting on with my life. A little bit of the story is below. Sorry so long but this is the short of it. 

One Saturday in August I got a call from a hotel saying they had my husband's driver license (you can imagine the pain I felt). He was home the night before all night and with my son the morning of the call. His story was he rented a room for another couple and he went to pay the bill for the couple and his license fell out!!! He wouldn't tell me who it was which in my eyes he was guilty. He said he promised the couple he wouldn't!!!! Of course, I blew up and cussed and carried on. He continued to tell me a little more about that incident but never would tell me who it was. Well that weekend brought on the next few months of hell. 

His next story was that couple thing was not true, he booked a room to get an Escort but didn't, he changed his mind. He said when he told me about the escort that I should have hugged him and told him, "I'm so glad you didn't get the escort??" What wife or any woman after being told your husband was going to get an escort would hug them and say "I'm so glad you changed your mind!!!"

Now believe this or not my husband was a good man. He was good to me, I never had to want for anything. 

Well, later through the months that story wasn't true either, he just wanted to see how I would react. (Crazy) We separated the end of August. 

So much more but...I have found out since then, about 5 people at his job are all getting a divorce. His good friend has asked for one, some girl, and the other ones. What a coincidence huh? Then the cell phone bills came in. Of course, I called one number and it just so happened to be the girl in the office phone number. After confronted, of course they were all work related phone calls (per him) phone calls made at 11:00, 12:00, 2:00, but they aren't having an affair!!!!!

He has said he hasn't been happy in a couple of years and blah, blah, blah. Well a couple of years is when his buddy (guy) at work and him got close (fishing, business trips). The buddy asked his wife for a divorce a few weeks ago along with the others in the office. They all seem to be bonding quite well, don't they? My husband and his buddy are living together in a condo (my husband's mother' condo). 

I am having a hard time understanding how someone can throw something away so easy. He has convinced himself the last few years of marriage was so bad and he held everything in. He says he can't believe that I'm not taking any responsibility in the failure of our marriage. I know it takes 2 but I didn't know we had a problem. We had the common problems but nothing I thought was that bad. Two days before the hotel incident we were talking about how we were going to fix up the house. It's just hard for me to understand. He got caught in something and all his "good friends" seem to think the grass is going to be greener on the single side!!!

I think they create in their mind a whole new past just to make them feel better about what they have done. 

I really hope he will be sorry one day for all of this.

We have two boys, 20 and 25. Just had a new grand baby in Oct. The 20 year lives with me and doesn't think to highly of his dad and is sick of me talking about it so much. The 25 year old says if he is with the woman from the office he won't have anything to do with him or her.

I keep trying to analyze everything and it is driving me crazy. I have to start thinking of me.

Thanks for listening


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You are right. You have to think about about yourself right now. Look at the things you have wanted to do for yourself. CHances are that all those fishing trips were cover stories.

draconis


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

I just don't understand, if he was sooooo unhappy with your marriage for the past few years why didn't he say something back when it all first started? 
All I can say, it is time for you to start thinking about yourself and don't worry how he's going to feel when he figures out how badly he stuffed up. You gave him 26 years of your life. Don't give him another minute. You will be fine.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i wil b honest here and i have had this myself.
its usually the best friends are the jealous friends.
i have had a couple of H mates try to split us up for there own resentment.
they see what they can do. its a game.
even though my H mates had potential wives at the time, they stil didnt have what my H had in regards to a wife he got on with and children.
but you have to get busy , it wont be easy to forget or forgive for a long time, until your back in a happy place.
but you can get there.
its his loss .


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## Ohio (Nov 7, 2008)

Thank you very much for the responses I have received, they help more than anyone knows.

He wants to be good ole buddies in this mess he made. I don't want to talk to him or even see him. We both have gone to lawyers and I tell him if there is anything to be said go through the lawyers. He calls at least once or twice a week but I don't answer the phone. 

I just have a hard time dealing with someone that said he Loves you one day and then the next week we are talking divorce. I just don't understand. If another woman is involved (which more than likely there is in some way, physically or emotionally) or his good friend that he lives with has such an influence on someone, isn't that a sign of weakness. Am I really the stronger one and don't realize it? 

I know it will take time to realize he definitely is a stranger to me right now. But I wish that time would come sooner than later!!!

Any ideas on how to think of me instead of trying to analyze the situation all the time.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Ohio said:


> Thank you very much for the responses I have received, they help more than anyone knows.
> 
> He wants to be good ole buddies in this mess he made. I don't want to talk to him or even see him. We both have gone to lawyers and I tell him if there is anything to be said go through the lawyers. He calls at least once or twice a week but I don't answer the phone.
> 
> ...


how good of a poker face do you have??? i wonder what his reaction might be if you flat out called his bluff. it seems like he's dangling his love in front of you like a carrot on a stick. turn your nose to it. do you have what it would take to do that? (i'll tell you now, i don't) but hoooweee if he might not come running right back and quit his silliness.

just a thought. that's all.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

As for advice on how to start thinking of YOURSELF....good luck with that one. As a wife and Mother you tend to lose YOU somewhere. Everything has been done to keep your husband and children happy...so ..now how do you make yourself happy without feeling selfish or greedy? I wish I knew tht answer, it would make my life much less complicated!!! 
All I can say is this..your husband seems to be a schmuck and doesnt deserve your devotion to him...so..no need to make him happy any more! Your kids are adults, they have their own lives and can make decisions for themselves..they dont need Mom like they used to. They will be happy if you are happy. So....what is something you have always wanted to do but maybe felt you couldnt because of the family?? Focus on that! Go take a weekend trip somewhere or buy some clothes you wouldnt normally wear because you are a "wife"..I dont know...something that lets you be YOU and not a wife or Mom!!! Have some fun!!


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## Santa Lucia (Oct 12, 2011)

I had something (very similar to yours) happen to me 5 years ago. At the time we were 42 years old and have been married for 20 years and the "_affair_" went on for almost 2 years because I was very affraid of being alone and my youngest was 9. We fought all the time, he worked looooong hours, I would spy on him - sometimes he would be with a group of co-worders, others "she" was around, but to my surprise I NEVER SAW HIM IN A "STICKY" SITUATION .... EVER!!! 

Anyway, that was eating me alive - I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, everytime I would think of them two, my stomack turned - everyone kept saying "there's nothing between them, there's nothing going on", but her actions spoke louder than words - it was not him, IT WAS HER!!! Miss Priss (22) was looking for a Sugar Daddy.

One day I realized that the situation was going to kill me, so 2 weeks before our wedding anniversary, I decided to make reservations for a trip out of state all by MYSELF. Our "anniversary eve" came upon and I asked him (very politely) to take me to the airport the following evening (my plane was leaving at 9:00pm), he asked me "where are you going?", I said, I am going to leave you alone for 4 days to think about what you're doing, because I have decided that you're not ruining my life and she's not ruining my marriage - I have given you almost half of my life and have invested too much time and money in everything we have and I'll be damned if that little B_ _ _ H is going to sweep all of it away in a flash. So, are you taking me or should I make other arrangements."
Weel, he took me to the airport that Thursday evening, the kids stayed, of course, (at that time they were all under 15) and I went my marry way. Needless to say, he called me 8-10 times each day to tell me about the kids ans such ... and "to make sure I was doing OK", so he said.

When I came back things started to go back to normal (slowly but surely) ... and I did have a talk with the little "B" and asked her to STAY AWAY from him or everyone in their office was going to know what was going on!
Luckily, that worked for me! Now, we are happier than we were before, we don't argue, we spend a lot of time together, we go out on dates 3-4 times a month, specially since we only have 1 to take care of.

I do hope you get through this - find a hobby, take a trip out of state and spend time with family members or friends that make you laugh.

Good luck to you, Ohio, *STAY POSITIVE*!!!


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