# update here, scared and nervous. Will he run off with her?



## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Hi everyone. I know everyone said to leave my boyfriend but he did stop talking to her (tho it was her call) 

To remind everyone, I suspected my boyfriend of having feelings for his estranged female best friend who is miss universe, ivy league, fulbright, etc. He denied it, to both her and I. She is openly in love with him

They stopped speaking and I thought that was it, we could go on with our lives like before, my boyfriend has been so sweet editing all my fundraising videos for my teaching abroad training. 

Today a tangle. He isn't talking to her, that I know, but she is still friends with all of our mutual friends. A VERY close mutual guy friend who has always had a thing for miss perfect, and they had hooked up once which seemed to bother my guy, well he decided to sublet her apartment in LA while she is in London this fall.

To add to it, my guy's OTHER best friend decided they are going to road trip from Texas to LA and get there a few days before she flies out to spend time with her.

If you recall, she sent an open invitation to my guy to join her in London. He told no one this, no one knows, except me bc I pried it out of him. 

Now that basically both his best friends are literally driving there together, I am terrified he will totally decide last minute to join them. his TWO best friends in the entire world are literally driving to her doorstep days before she flies off to London. How does that even happen? Who writes this crazy script called life?! 

I am worried Especially since the one who is going to live in her place is so clearly smitten with her, and he has been bouncing around here talking about it and HER nonstop. Nonstop. 

I can see on my face how angry my boyfriend is getting but he isn't saying anything. (The other two guys know nothing about their recent reconnection). They even sent her a video today (they're filmmakers) and my guy was in it but he refused to look at the camera or participate at all, so they kept him in the film but made it kind of funny, how detached he was... and sent it to her!!! 

You all said he was picking me because he was too lazy to do anything about it. I fear the odds may have just gone up. He says he is only upset bc she refuses to be his friend meanwhile she's perfectly able to be friends with the other two guys. 

Can everyone please spare me the lecture of why are u even wondering or why are u even with him if you aren't sure, don't you know you deserve better, etc, and please just answer if you think there's a chance he will end up taking off with his two best friends and running off with miss perfect here? 

Like odds, percentages, if you were a betting woman/man sort of thing....then u can lecture me all you want, I promise.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Yes, there's a chance. How much of one? I don't know him well enough to say.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Thanks biofury, well i think its safe to say the chances shot up though yeah?


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Sounds like you guys are young/younger.

If you and bf stay together this woman will be a constant source of tension.

A solid guy fully into his woman would go out of his way to distance himself from her. He has not done that even though he knows it hurts you. You aren't "the one" in his eyes is what this tells you.

Chances of him going? Sky high.

But even if he does not you still have a fundamental issue of his behavior. You sound like you won't follow advice but the best thing you could do is dump your bf.

He doesn't fully respect you. Now you need to respect yourself.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

stolennightcars said:


> Thanks biofury, well i think its safe to say the chances shot up though yeah?


Yeah. 

Do I get to tell you that you shouldn't be with a man who views you as an option now?


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Roger that.

Until she respects herself this won't be the last time it happens either.



BioFury said:


> stolennightcars said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks biofury, well i think its safe to say the chances shot up though yeah?
> ...


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

I am sorry but I don't think your boyfriend has you as a priority. Leave him and don't take him back. This is bad behavior and disrespectful to you. Good luck with your training abroad. You are a quality woman and need to be treated as such.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The two friends definitely threw in a monkey wrench. Your guy (and, I say that tongue in cheek) may go just for the ego factor. At least you'll know one way or the other. You can always wait until he gets back from his tryst.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Yes, there's a good chance he will run off, but you already realize this. I think the only reason he's still with you is because he doesn't have the courage to break up. It does not sound like a healthy relationship, I will bet you when she leaves he is going to be pissy and moody, he is going to resent being with you when he could be with her living it up in London. 

This relationship has a quickly approaching expiration date.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

He is still upset she does not want to be his friend, not sure if he will go with the guys or not but he could end up going to London.

I knew you would take him back, seen that a mile away.

I have a question, why put yourself through the torment of wondering if he will leave to be with her, and being in a relationship with someone you don't really trust?


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Jesus really sky high?! What makes you say that? 

Im 22 he's 25.

As a guy do you think he is liable to act out with jealousy if his other best friend goes there and he is clearly into Her? I can't decide if that will make him act out of jealousy or make him just stay here 



jdawg2015 said:


> Sounds like you guys are young/younger.
> 
> If you and bf stay together this woman will be a constant source of tension.
> 
> ...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Stolen, we tried before to tell you the chances of this happening (and by this, I mean his inability to completely let her go) when he was clearly not all invested in you and your relationship together. 

Now in my mind, you are both young and are both learning things at this moment. Sorry if this offends you, but brains don't stop developing until your late 20s. So, it means you are still growing and learning from my POV. 

The fact that your bf is so influenced by his friends and what they do says a lot. We all suffer jealousy at times, but it's what we do with that jealousy that matters. Honestly, he shouldn't care one bit what they do, yet he does clearly. 

If he starts to be short with you, depressed around you, not engaged with you, dismissive of you, blows up and argues with you, this would tell me that he does not have the maturity and readiness to be in a relationship with you. It would tell me he's trying to "punish" you for ruining his fun with his old female friend. A child behaves this way, not a man.

I really encourage you to watch what he does, and not be afraid to let him go if he can't be all-in with you. I also encourage you to move on from these "friends" as they also seem like an immature influence. 

Never be afraid to recognize and even seize your options. You do have options.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Watch the movie " He is just not that into you". Move on.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

To be fair to him he hasn't done anything wrong yet and hasn't reached out to her. This is just my worrying or wondering what if... Especially since by then there's a chance I'll be out of the country or just returning depending... I just heard about this twist and wondered if my new friends here would think this might just maybe influence him since U all said he was just too lazy and here comes basically a silver platter ...

Also to be fair to me how could I have foreseen this?! If I didn't know any better I would say it all seems like a huge cosmic test on my boyfriend . I keep wanting to blame her for it but she had no influence on if this guy took her apartment across several states away , he has been wanting to live in la for a while now . She had no influence on the road trip idea. It's all just like some kind of weird movie or soap opera and like a huge huge test for my boyfriend .... Doesn't it feel that way?! 


richie33 said:


> Watch the movie " He is just not that into you". Move on.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

And I will watch him for sure . So far no bad behavior toward me


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Ok so w your experience where would U bet your money not between us ending up together but just him going or not


Satya said:


> Stolen, we tried before to tell you the chances of this happening (and by this, I mean his inability to completely let her go) when he was clearly not all invested in you and your relationship together.
> 
> Now in my mind, you are both young and are both learning things at this moment. Sorry if this offends you, but brains don't stop developing until your late 20s. So, it means you are still growing and learning from my POV.
> 
> ...


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Miss Perfect using competition among men to get the best guy for herself. 
I bet she's just the greatest & coolest girl ever right? 
Until one of them marries her & figures otherwise! 
He dumped her before right? 
But still continues to fall for the damsel technique she pulls? 

Honestly if my husband had a "friend" like this, there is no way in hell I would put up with her. 
Give him an ultimatum. (It's me or the friends) 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Yes he dumped her after their first date tho bc he said he wanted to build a really strong friendship w her and then like a week later he and her and his gay male best friend (the other one going on this road trip but has never hooked up w her) went to nyc and Spain and such and they became this intense trio. 
So I wish I could say he dumped her bc she was crazy but that wasn't the case ... It would be ballsy for him to go just to get an ego stroke tho bc of her ultimatum (be w only me and join me in London) so I don't think he would go just for a trip to La and to get attention from her, im sure she wouldn't put up w that and he knows that.... 

And I have no idea if he is falling for this technique or even if she's trying to pull anything ... Seems crazy to me she could even if she wanted , get someone to move across the country just to get some OtHER guy U know ? 

From what I heard she was offering Her place to friends and family since she didn't want it to go to waste and be untended to and she didn't want a stranger in it and this guy decided he wanted it before someone else took the apartment . 



MrsAldi said:


> Miss Perfect using competition among men to get the best guy for herself.
> I bet she's just the greatest & coolest girl ever right?
> Until one of them marries her & figures otherwise!
> He dumped her before right?
> ...


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Though the coincidence of my guy's two best friends on earth joining this girl (his other estranged best friend) days before she flies off to London... The coincidence of a car loading up in my guy's front yard that ends at her apartment across the country days before London... It's like baffling to me and unreal. Like a movie. Like a defining moment u know ? Like the universe saying now or never and literally handing her over ...UGH Part of me wonders what he will feel if anything when that car pulls out and he isnt in it...

It's the kind of thing that makes you believe in fate... Except it's for another girls story ...maybe...


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@stolennightcars if he dumped after first date, I think you have nothing to worry about. 
But I still would be uncomfortable with her. 
My husband used to text his ex gf when we were dating, saying they were just friends. I immediately gave him an ultimatum & to this day he hasn't contacted her. 
If you're his future he should leave her in the past. 
Put him to the test otherwise find yourself always in limbo. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Thats a new one everyone else on this forum thinks he loves her and has settled for me


MrsAldi said:


> @stolennightcars if he dumped after first date, I think you have nothing to worry about.
> But I still would be uncomfortable with her.
> My husband used to text his ex gf when we were dating, saying they were just friends. I immediately gave him an ultimatum & to this day he hasn't contacted her.
> If you're his future he should leave her in the past.
> ...


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Stolen,

Go ahead and spend another year with him. See where this goes. However:

1) Don't get pregnant.
2) Stay financially independent. Don't mingle finances and don't use your money on his expenses.
3) Don't move in with him

IMO, You are over-analyzing this to death (you sound like a much younger, female version of me) with incomplete information, then asking strangers that know even less for their opinion. If this helps you, great. It's your thread. I don't follow this advice (wish I could) but try being more relaxed and focused on the present. Google "Mindfulness" and read up on it. Learn to be confident and comfortable with yourself. Then you not only would be a better partner to your BF (less needy) but it will also give you clarity to decide what YOU want, not just accept what HE wants. 

Don't forget, there are plenty of great guys, and even better guys, out there that would love to date you and be your partner.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Ha! Uh no... But upon readin my recent posts I can see how you feel that way for sure. Did you read my first post? I came pretty confident he was the love of my life and that I was overreacting but everyone kind of beat it into my brain that I was plan B. Over and over plan b!! I accepted it and realized he meant enough to me for me to hang on while she gets further away from his life and he sees what he has had all along. I just can't lose him and it's worth demeaning myself I guess...

Plus IF he wanted her he could've been w her. That's the part I hold on to for hope here. As for defending her. I read a lot of forums where people say horrible things about the other woman and as much as that would be amazing to say... She has stayed away and such and I don't want that swaying advice making it easy for people to dismiss her or say well she's evil don't worry abot it bc if I should worry I NEEd to be on guard! 

I cried a lot of tears when everyone here said I was plan B but I accepted it and I just wanted to go starting from that point here so as I wouldn't waste people's time by having them remind me of that fact. All I care about is not losing him. That's what I wanted an answer to. 



3leafclover said:


> I get really odd and confusing vibes from your posts, OP. They almost sound as if they're written by the other woman in the situation, the Ivy League girl or whatever it is we're calling her. You often ask what we think your chances are, but I sense excitement behind the question. It could just be anxiety I'm sensing, but there are other small clues that don't make much sense, either, like your inclination to sort of defend the other woman and her intentions at times in your posts and the slightly omniscient third person feel to the writing.
> 
> I apologize if I'm way off base and if this offends you. I'll suspend any disbelief and say that you're being very naive and not self-protective enough in this situation. You're so ready to live in insecurity, to be treated as plan B. I hope this relationship ends soon so that you can stop being so anxious all the time and can focus on building your confidence in your self-worth. I hope you can find the strength to be the one who ends it.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

It doesn't really matter if you are plan A, B or C. The man clearly doesn't care too much about your feelings if he is having such an inappropriate relationship with another woman. You seem to need to "win" here, but I would suggest that anyone that plays a game like this is a loser as soon as they leave the gate.

To answer your questions directly, maybe he will and maybe he won't. I think I have all contingencies covered here.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

stolennightcars said:


> Thats a new one everyone else on this forum thinks he loves her and has settled for me


If he loved her he'd be with her & not you.
Unless she dumped him then yeah maybe the other posters have a point. 
You're 22 don't waste another 8 years on this man if he's unwilling to cut contact with another woman. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

stolennightcars said:


> I came pretty confident he was the love of my life and that I was overreacting but everyone kind of beat it into my brain that I was plan B. Over and over plan b!!


Stolen, 

You would be Plan AAA for thousands and thousands of great quality guys.

But you (or anyone) can be a Plan B of a specific love interest. That does not take away from you. You cannot control the way your boyfriend feels. And he might not be able to overcome his feelings for Miss Universe, whatever those feelings are. He has a bond with her, a strong one, but I do not know exactly what that bond is. He might not be able to explain it to you, but it exists.

I am here at TAM because part of my heart has fallen for another. I try to understand why and I REALLY want to have that go away, but I cannot yet and even at my age the TAMers are helping me. And yes, I am married. And my wife LOVES me. I failed for two months to follow the TAM advice that was nearly universal. Stop all contact with the other woman. I failed and have not made any progress. Well, it's finally time for me to follow the advice. Why? Because it is the RIGHT thing to do and the NEEDED thing to do. Good advice not follow is no advice. 

If your boyfriend is hooked on another, either physically or emotionally, he cannot and WILL NOT commit to you. It's just that simple. You can analyze forever, or for two YEARS like I have done, and still not understand the WHY. The TAMers are trying to tell you that he is not good for you and that this will NOT end well. They have see this before on this site. Many have experience this FIRST HAND.

I gave you some advice to try that might be a compromise. I get it that you do not want to give up your BF. We REALLY get it. So focus on YOU and stay independent. Do not make this guy your UNIVERSE. If you do, you will fail in the relationship as your BF will notice this and actually NOT find that attractive. 

But if nothing changes in 6-12 months, promise us you will end this relationship. 

Don't get pregnant. 

BTW, I suggest you not consume your thoughts about this running off with his besties on this trip. Let him go or not go and consider his actions as to whether or not you want to stay with him.

Remember, YOU are the prize here. Not him and certainly not Miss London or whether she is. 

YOU are the prize, not as an object, but as a person of high quality that really great quality guys would love to be with.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Yeah I mean I just tell myself this bond is intense friendship...but you have been thru it and you say from what im describing that its most likely otherwise then...

And to calm everyone down I won't get pregnant lol. I have a disorder where I can't get pregnant. I have no eggs. Not possible. Breathe a sigh of relief!!

I know everyone tells me I can be someone's top choice but HE is my top choice. HE is who I love. :-( I don't want to give up just out of fear for some girl a world away .... That he didn't want to begin with. Idk... 



blueinbr said:


> stolennightcars said:
> 
> 
> > I came pretty confident he was the love of my life and that I was overreacting but everyone kind of beat it into my brain that I was plan B. Over and over plan b!!
> ...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

With no offense intended, this sounds like an overly dramatic kind of relationship, if that's what you are seeking then keep wondering what he's going to do, but it seems clear that he isn't really monogamous long-term material and I think you'll come to realize you've wasted a lot of time pining for something that isnt real when there are so many solid men out there looking for a kind woman like you have a genuine and fulfilling relationship with. Or even just enjoying self discovery while not in a relationship at all.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You're 22 years old and absolutely obsessed with this guy. Get some therapy.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Stolen, you call him the love of your life and you're early 20s. It may feel that way to you but I hope you'll learn to keep your options and your eyes open. You're young and still have much life to live and savor. 

Also, if you feel so strongly like you want and need him, it tells me that you're not too secure with yourself. Have you ever lived alone? Part of building a healthy relationship with another is having a healthy perspective on your outcome independence. In other words, you don't need him to have a full, happy life. You can have that all on your own, without him, if you learn how. It helps to gain you confidence and it shows the man you're with that you don't need him to survive. This kind of inner strength radiates with good men looking for a healthy relationship. 

Drama does not make for a healthy anything, and I get the impression that your life together with your bf involves it. 

Here's what I see. Two outcomes. 

1. You stay with him, you continue to cling, worry, and feel you need to play the pick me game because he's always making you feel like you're 2nd best, nothing changes on either his or your end. You always feel concerned he is not all-in the relationship and you get older. 

2. You decide you're going to work on yourself, gain some confidence, stop caring about what he does or doesn't do, and you see him and his drama-magnet friends for the immature, neverending circlejerk they are, and you eject them all from your life and grab your future by the horns.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Really really sad that you still want this POS man.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> You're 22 years old and absolutely obsessed with this guy. Get some therapy.


 @stolennightcars BL might be direct but she is most often right.

You certainly don't want to be 50 years old and absolutely obsessed with someone. Learn this skill now. It will save you much grief later in life.


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