# disgusted by husbands past



## youngmother09 (Apr 21, 2010)

i am 19 my husband is 21....i feel disgust when i think of my husbands sexual past... i dont know why he feels the need to tell me about his past sexual relations which put vivid images in my head ( we have known eachother almost ten years and lived in the same neighborhood) but he just keeps bringing things up occasionalyy every once in a while he will make a comment and its the details that get me..they really hurt even though this is in the past i dont know how to get over it.. some of the issues are, he first had sex at age 8 and it was with a friend while they were watching her fathers porn...he watches porn, but like would lie to his grave about it he lies to me all the time about it when theres proof in the webbrowser history...like duhh also he told me out of the blue in a joke kinda that his father let him have sex with his fathers girl friend when he was 12...ew? llike this woman was forty five...while his father watched? kinda weird, and i wish he would of told me these things before we had a child and before we were married because i dont believe i would have even went near him at all...also another thing is he told me he had sex with someone who in which fell under a certian category that he said he didnt not like or think was in his type at all but he did and i asked him liek really ? you did cuz for real its shocking he always talks so disgusted by what "type" he had then...but he replyed with yeah..so there are things i think back and doubt now that he did that he said he didnt if that makes alot of sense? and he lies too damn much i cant take the lies anymore about stupid litttle things or neglect to tell me important things that are happening or something.. but anyways what has happened in his past was in his past should stay there right? but its hard cuz it always comes up sometimes and i get these images in my head of what he has done when we are happy so then the happiness disappears i dont even think i can go on with this marriage because of what he has done in his past sometimes i think i just wanna leave him because it upsets me so much..and sometimes when i look at him i picture it and i want to puke i dont know what to do because ive tried to forget and its just not going away


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

It sounds to me like he has been a victim of sexual abuse. I am so sad for him.

I imagine that he has some issues he needs to work through related to that. He is still very young.

I would suggest counseling for both of you.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

This is going to be a long road for you. Its not really as simple as saying 'he has issues so lets divorce.' For you to have been attracted to him you must carry your fair share of issues. I know you didnt know about all of this but his actions will give him certain emotional attributes- which is what you would have been attracted to. If you do leave him you very well might attract the same kind of person again. 

Dont get me wrong, I think his issues are devastating and I would be just as mortified as you are. I dont necessarily think you should stay with him. I cant imagine how a healthy relationship could stem from that- unless he's willing to get some help. Being a young man that seems highly unlikely. I certainly would not want my kid around someone like that- someone that has very lose sexual boundaries. But if you divorce then he will have shared custody and you never know what might go on while you're not there. 

But anyway, I know this might sound strange but what is more important is for you to work out your own issues. We attract what we are so there must be something you know you need to work on. If you do divorce him just keep that in mind so you dont keep repeating this pattern.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

It sounds like sexual abuse to me too, and now perhaps he doesn't understand sexual boundaries, or know what is ethical when it comes to sex.

I would also suggest counseling.

Best of luck.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Sounds like he is not sharing his secual escapades as much as he is trying to share something deeper with you. I would try to get past the sex part and maybe in turn ask him how it makes him feel to have that past, or perhaps if it bothers him. If you exchanged the word "sex" and replaced it with some other form of abuse, would it bother you so much? 

Men I think handle, talk about and view sexual abuse WAY differently than women. It's not so much disgusting as it is scary in this case.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Children of 8 and 12 really do not have a lot of control over themselves when it comes to sex (intense feelings, no real understanding, etc.), which is why it is up to adults to set boundaries for them. Please do not judge him as though he freely chose these things--a young child exposed to porn, it's not even surprising he acted out. 

His father had/has committed acts of child abuse, so that's where responsibility lies. 

Try to find the love and compassion within yourself to accept that h was manipulated as a child. Imagine him as that child--and what it might have been like to have such a perverted father. 

Now find the best counselors for you and him, individually and together. For your child's sake, make this effort. What you do now will affect your future, and the chances you could remove him from HER life are extremely slim. Face it front on together and you may build a relationship that is better than you could possibly imagine.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Your husband was raped and otherwise sexually molested. This is the only way he knows how to tell you about it. You DO understand that what he's trying express is *SHAME*, don't you?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

His story that he first had sex at age 8 while watching porn: My boys are 10 & 7. Sex is not something they show the slightest interest in at this point. Quite frankly, I think if you put a girl in front of them, they'd be more concerned with whether she had cooties than trying to have sex with her. So, I'd have to say that that was not his first exposure to porn, and that something more was going on with him. I don't think your average innocent child would think to have sex at age 8; the only real question is whether he was abused personally or if he was exposed to other people having sex, etc. (maybe Dad wasn't exactly discreet?). Same thing at 12...Dad might have forced him to have sex with Dad's girlfriend, or she might have taken advantage of his emerging sexuality and the fact that he'd have very little self control and possibly no knowledge that what they were doing was incredibly wrong. 

I understand your feelings of the past being the past, but the thing is it's not that simple. The past is what made him who he is. Childhood, family, friends, past relationships, even past sexual encounters all played a part in making him the man that you fell in love with. You can't simply put up a brick wall between the past and the present and expect the past to simply disappear. 

I think he needs counseling to deal with whatever it is that happened to him. And I think you should get counseling to help you deal with what he's going through and it's impact on your marriage.


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## Asking4Flowers (Mar 2, 2011)

I am sorry but I have to say that using the word "disgust" here is very upsetting for me. It is clear that your husband was sexually abused as a child. People who suffer from sexual abuse feel disgusted and dirty about their experiences. It seems that women get more sympathy and understanding than men in our society but we both suffer the same.

You probably do not recognize that he was a victim because men are typically viewed as the abusers but he was only a child! I hope that you can turn your attitude around and start to offer him the support that he needs. Do not shame him any further.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

If his father let him have sex with his girlfriend when he was 12 - then his father aided in the sexual abuse of a minor and the girlfriend committed rape of a minor - end of story - they both could have been arrested and prosecuted, statue of limitations has probably passed by now.

It's been proven that a lot of children who are sexually abused develop a heightened sense of their sexuality and can become risky in their sexual behavior - from acting out what happened to them on other young children to being promiscuous. 

Instead of condeming him, you should be encouraging him to seek treatment for the "sexual abuse" he was subjected to as a child. He probably hasn't even processed the fact that it was actual sexual abuse - he may be looking at it from a distorted view that cool - I had sex when I was 12. The abuse has distorted what he considers normal sexual behavior. He needs help, not condemnation.

You are young, so I understand that you might not have viewed this issue from that standpoint, so I'm not going to blast you.

If you love him, then help him.

And I KNOW what I'm talking about, let's leave it at that.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> If his father let him have sex with his girlfriend when he was 12 - then his father aided in the sexual abuse of a minor and the girlfriend committed rape of a minor - end of story - they both could have been arrested and prosecuted, statue of limitations has probably passed by now.
> 
> It's been proven that a lot of children who are sexually abused develop a heightened sense of their sexuality and can become risky in their sexual behavior - from acting out what happened to them on other young children to being promiscuous.
> 
> ...


Perfectly stated.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

WhereAmI said:


> Perfectly stated.


Thank you...experience.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Asking4Flowers said:


> I am sorry but I have to say that using the word "disgust" here is very upsetting for me. It is clear that your husband was sexually abused as a child. People who suffer from sexual abuse feel disgusted and dirty about their experiences. It seems that women get more sympathy and understanding than men in our society but we both suffer the same.
> 
> You probably do not recognize that he was a victim because men are typically viewed as the abusers but he was only a child! I hope that you can turn your attitude around and start to offer him the support that he needs. Do not shame him any further.


I think when the OP first posted this, she didn't realize that possibly thats what had happened to him, so maybe once she returns and sees that others think that might be the case, she can be more understanding. However being understanding also doesn't mean leaving your child in possible harms way.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Thank you...experience.


Exactly why I thought it was perfect. I've been there myself and didn't see it for what it was until I was 18. 

Youngmother, I hope you can find the strength to help your H.


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## youngmother09 (Apr 21, 2010)

hey thanks to all of you to replying  i also just wanted to add something in here, when he talks about what has happened in the past to him, he brings it up casual, when he is joking and whenever to him he thinks its no big deal like...he kinda takes pride in saying he had sex with his dads girlfriend...and that he was 8 when his virginity was taken and all that....


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

youngmother09 said:


> hey thanks to all of you to replying  i also just wanted to add something in here, when he talks about what has happened in the past to him, he brings it up casual, when he is joking and whenever to him he thinks its no big deal like...he kinda takes pride in saying he had sex with his dads girlfriend...and that he was 8 when his virginity was taken and all that....


He doesn't yet understand what happened to him. 

The person who did horrible things to me was not a family member and I managed to convince myself that it was nothing out of the ordinary. 

His father was the person he looked up to most, his protector. He believed that he'd never do anything to hurt him. When your husband begins to understand he's going to crash, HARD. If you're able to get him in therapy before the reality hits him you may be able to save him from sinking into a very dark place.

Please stop trying to convince yourself that everything is fine. You're only hurting your family.


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