# Currently experiencing Separation



## Deb87 (Jan 7, 2016)

Hello everyone! My name is Debbie and my husband and I are currently going through a trial separation. My husband and I have been together for a total of 8 and a half years and married just over two years. My husband left just over two weeks ago. We have two beautiful daughters. One is 3 and the other will be 1 next Tuesday. Things haven't been ok for the last 6-8 months. We were constantly arguing and experiencing financial problems. He said he is very unhappy and started to fall out of love with me. There are no other people involved. Affairs etc.

My husband finally opened up to me a couple of evenings ago and broke down crying, he is afraid if he returns, things will go back to the way they were before. We have actually been getting along great and enjoying each others company better than ever before. He said he also felt anxious when he would return home from work at the end of the day.

I miss him and want him back more than ever. I want him to want to come back home though. Any tips or advice in regards to this situation?

Thank you x


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Both of you need to set down and read His Needs, Her Needs together. That'll do for a start.

Good marriages are made by two people together. They don't just happen.

Good luck


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## Deb87 (Jan 7, 2016)

Thank you. That is great advice :relaxed:


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Deb87 said:


> Thank you. That is great advice :relaxed:


You are very welcome.

Best wishes to the both of you. 

You are very wise to start seeking/working on this rather than just let it play out.


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## Deb87 (Jan 7, 2016)

We have something very special that only happenings once and I know he is the one.

Somehow, we drifted off the same path. I know I didn't help the situation but it was both of us. I had unrealistic expectations in regards to finance and I gave him a bit of a hard time ensive: I certainly don't want a divorce and he has said he does not want it to come to that either. We need to work on getting that connection back and feelings we once had for each other.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Deb: Do you and your H attend church, or are you religiously inclined? Just asking!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Iearn to live within your means. It's easier done than you think but you both have to be disciplined. Work towards the same goal.

Lots of communication helps. Make decisions together that way no one person is to blame. 

Above all use common sense in your finances. Do we really need this? If so is there a more affordable method. 

Cook together. It's more affordable and it's something you can do together and have fun with.

Financial issues cause major problems in a marriage.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Deb87 said:


> I miss him and want him back more than ever. I want him to want to come back home though. Any tips or advice in regards to this situation?
> 
> Thank you x


I would recommend coming together and making a joint agreement to letting the past reside in the past. The only thing keeping partners from enjoying the moment is preoccupations with the past and agreements/associations/commitments. Spend energy to not react with negativity so instinctively. Even if it comes, stop it as soon as you gain mental clarity. Reflect. Reflect. Reflect.

Why should XYZ upset you, inherently?
Why should XYZ destroy the moment, inherently?

It is a bit more elaborate than this, but you have the idea. When both individuals become *self-focused* instead of partner-focused, disagreements become unnatural.

You can either work together to achieve the shared goal or play tug of war and get nowhere. Life still happens, whether you argue or not. Love each other like you love your children, without conditions.

Relationship Teacher


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## Deb87 (Jan 7, 2016)

Another quick question, we have had sex 3 times since we have been separated. I am not too sure of this is ok during separation or recommended? It just kinda of happens when we are together. We are still so attracted to each other and can't deny that.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

Deb87 said:


> Another quick question, we have had sex 3 times since we have been separated. I am not too sure of this is ok during separation or recommended? It just kinda of happens when we are together. We are still so attracted to each other and can't deny that.


What do you like about your husband?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Deb87 said:


> Another quick question, we have had sex 3 times since we have been separated. I am not too sure of this is ok during separation or recommended? It just kinda of happens when we are together. We are still so attracted to each other and can't deny that.


It's normal. I'm assuming you have a rule that neither of you see others. 

If that starts its a good way to end your marriage.


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## Deb87 (Jan 7, 2016)

We have no interest in dating anyone else. We want to resolve this. Marriage is forever to us.


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## Deb87 (Jan 7, 2016)

Heatherknows said:


> Deb87 said:
> 
> 
> > Another quick question, we have had sex 3 times since we have been separated. I am not too sure of this is ok during separation or recommended? It just kinda of happens when we are together. We are still so attracted to each other and can't deny that.
> ...


1. Confidence

2. Driven/enthusiastic

3. Great sense of humor

4. Smart

5. Handsome

6. Incredible Father

7. Same interests

8. Social


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

The fact that you are here and willing to work on your marriage is a great thing. If you both want to save your marriage you can. You both have to be all in! If only one of you is trying it will never work.

I wish you all the luck in the world. If I had figured out our issues this early we would maybe still be together today. 

Work hard to save your marriage. Those kids need both parents that love each other.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Deb87 said:


> Another quick question, we have had sex 3 times since we have been separated. I am not too sure of this is ok during separation or recommended? It just kinda of happens when we are together. We are still so attracted to each other and can't deny that.


It's only "ok" if you want him back.

If you don't give a damn, then cut him off.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Deb87 said:


> Another quick question, we have had sex 3 times since we have been separated. I am not too sure of this is ok during separation or recommended? It just kinda of happens when we are together. We are still so attracted to each other and can't deny that.


Since you want to get back together, it a good thing. The sex keeps you bonded. 

Someone suggested that you get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". 

Also get "Love Busters".

The books are meant to be used together. Read (with him) "Love Busters" and the two of you work through it.. and then once you both have stopped love busting read "His Needs, Her Needs" and do the work it suggests together.

If you can afford it, also get into marriage counseling. 

Do some internet searches on "structured separation" . Find a counselor who can help you set up a structured separation. This is so that you two have a plan of action. 

Otherwise separations often lead to the end of a marriage. They are an uncertainty that many cannot handle.

.


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## jebadoa (Jan 9, 2016)

Do you have interest in doing a book study together? Just read a chapter and then get together to discuss it. A couple of great books I recommend:

The Five Love Languages
Sheet Music
Sacred Marriage

And go to a Christian counselor together. It will be worth it.

Sent from my SM-S820L using Tapatalk


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

It need not be a christian counselor. Someone who just says god has commanded us will not work. You need someone to explore why god directs us in a certain direction and help the both of you to apply it in your life.


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