# New to site...Wife left me after 11 years



## DJDtek (May 2, 2012)

Hello everybody, about a month ago my wife of 11 years suddenly she doesnt love me anymore and we need to separate. We have had our ups and downs throughout the past couple of years but nothing we didnt work out within a couple hours. We have 3 kids, a 16 year old that is my step son who's father has never been in his life and I have taken care of him since he was 3 and a 12 year old boy and 7 year old daughter that are mine.

A little run down about me, I run my own store which i have had since 1998 and I also dj on the side. Over the past couple years I have worked my butt of at my store working 6 days a week and the past year i was hired on at a night club to dj on Saturdays. As for djing before last year i would do it every once in a while and then this year was offered to dj every Saturday and my wife said to go for it. I took the job but really didnt think it would go longer than a month or two but it ended up being a year.

Over the past couple of years I have attempted to take time off from work to do more things with the family but could never find someone trust worthy (could have been just me not comfortable with people running my business) to run my store so i can take time off. 2 months ago a friend needed a job so i had started to train him to do the front office duties so i can take a day or two off. I also had already put in that i was going to be quitting djing at the night club but would stay until there was a replacement.

I have never cheated, talked to other women or laid a hand on my wife, she just said she is tired of waiting for me to make changes and she has fallen out of love with me. I had already been making changes but wanted to surprise but now its too late. 

I had explained everything that i was doing and she said I had my chances and its time we separate, my heart sunk to the floor and the tears started to flow as this was my sole mate, my world, the person I worry about constantly just making sure she is ok. She was also upset with me because we have been remodeling our home for 2 years (most of the stuff i was doing myself) and she said it was taking too long and this was not what she wanted to come home to every night. 

She works nights and I work days so it always worked out that I could take care of the kids at night while she works at night and while the kids are at school during the day she had continued her nursing school which I have been patient with for the past 3 or 4 years. She works hard as a nurse and i would stay up just to make sure she got home but we really never had any alone time over the past couple years and a lot of that is my fault for not taking time off from work.

Since she left she is staying at her moms house and the kids stay with me (they keep me sane during this time). I have assumed all the responsibilities of the kids and school and their after school activities. I have also completed almost everything we had planned on doing to the house in the past couple weeks and have continued to take time off from work, quit djing and work on getting myself back to the way I was in the past. I take fault in not treating her like the queen she is and as of right now im lost without her, i feel empty and would do anything to get her back. she tells me she is done with me but everyone just tells me to keep doing what im doing but dont push her to come back, make her realize what she is losing...only problem is i feel like i have lost everything and need her in my life!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Can you check her texts/emails if there is any other man involved?

This same script comes up almost alwyas when there is another man/woman is in the picture.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

The minimum amount of time that a couple needs to spend together doing things is like 10 hours a week and i am not talking about laying on the couch watching tv you have to spend time to remain together I would suggest working out a schedule where this could be accomplished provided yall recover. My first thought is she seeing someone on the side ?? that is what normally leads to the i love you but not in love with you statement. It sounds like she feels you are not listening to her by not having the things around the house done as she requested your probably not to late to save this thing provided that is what you want to do. I would maybe work on yourself and not bother her which tends to make the other party push away more. think about when yall first started going out what kinds of things you did together that helped her fall in love with you thats what you need to do now, hopefully she has not cheated on you yet maybe suggest going to marriage counseling whould be a good place to start 

Good Luck


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## DJDtek (May 2, 2012)

I always would talk to her about that and she would always tell me she would never do that to me because she loved me and the kids and the man she was with before me would constantly cheat on her but I have had my doubts and thats why I would confront her about it.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Cheater do lie, not saying she is but it is a very likely possiblity.

Again, can you monitor her texts/calls/emails?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Is she planning on moving out ?? do you keep your kids ?? it seems because it is her decision to leave then she should leave not you others suggest never leaving your house especially with kids due to how it might look in court. One suggestion is to go ahead and talk to an atty find out yr rights etc and go ahead and file sometime this shocks the other party into reality as you can file and if yall decide to stay married then you just drop the suit


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## DJDtek (May 2, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> The minimum amount of time that a couple needs to spend together doing things is like 10 hours a week and i am not talking about laying on the couch watching tv you have to spend time to remain together I would suggest working out a schedule where this could be accomplished provided yall recover. My first thought is she seeing someone on the side ?? that is what normally leads to the i love you but not in love with you statement. It sounds like she feels you are not listening to her by not having the things around the house done as she requested your probably not to late to save this thing provided that is what you want to do. I would maybe work on yourself and not bother her which tends to make the other party push away more. think about when yall first started going out what kinds of things you did together that helped her fall in love with you thats what you need to do now, hopefully she has not cheated on you yet maybe suggest going to marriage counseling whould be a good place to start
> 
> Good Luck


First off, thank you for the replies, it helps hearing some advice from others that either know or have been in these situations. 

She has always been truthful with me and i have asked her before is there someone else and she tells me know. There is nothing in this world i would not to to get her back. We did go see a councilor but the councilor requested she see me alone and she sees another councilor and in a couple months we see the same councilor together. I have never been a person to express my feelings and I have been writing her letters to express myself but i do want to give her space and time (i dont want to push her away). Another thing about me is that i had been depressed since my father passed and recently learned to let his death go. My councilor has suggested i work on myself as well and i have. Other than completing OUR home I have once again begun to work out and groom myself as I did when we first met. Like I have said, she means the world to me and i would do anything to get her back...there are just times where I feel like im a piece of trash being thrown away.


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## DJDtek (May 2, 2012)

keko said:


> Cheater do lie, not saying she is but it is a very likely possiblity.
> 
> Again, can you monitor her texts/calls/emails?


I dont have access to her phone because my cell phone is on a plan with my business and hers is personal but when I have time im going to ask her to be up front with me.



In_The_Wind said:


> Is she planning on moving out ?? do you keep your kids ?? it seems because it is her decision to leave then she should leave not you others suggest never leaving your house especially with kids due to how it might look in court. One suggestion is to go ahead and talk to an atty find out yr rights etc and go ahead and file sometime this shocks the other party into reality as you can file and if yall decide to stay married then you just drop the suit


She has moved all her every day things to her moms house where she is staying. The kids are staying with me and we have just told them she is staying over at their grandmothers to help her since her mom lives alone since her dad passed and brother moved to london.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry your here.
Other in your circle have mentioned no t to push, and that is sound advice. As hard as it is and as weak as you feel now is the time to show the perception that you are confident in letting her go and you and the kids can move on.

This tactic will make you look more attractive, begging and crying men do not look attractive to women. Women like confident men so no matter how hard it is to fake it you must show her a strong and confident man.

So gather your strenth and show her you support her (even though you don't) and smile and wish her the best. Do not give her any validation to her dicision, so when she sees you as positive it may get her to at least think twice about her choices.


The importance to quitely finding out if she is in an affair is b/c until the other amn is out of the picture she will not start to second guess her dicision. If and when you confirm an affair then you can take the steps to make the affair as inconvienent and uncomfortable to contiue. This tactic is a must, oten there is a fog...."the grass is greener on the otherside" kind of thinking. Often the affair fantasy will go on for a long time and it will make it even more dificult to break.

So get stealthy and hire a PI, you will get some real truethful answers and you need to really find out what you are up against so you can make accurate dicision for you and your kids.

Even if there is no affair and it is comfirmed at least you know that her walking away has a different dynamic and you can make the correct course of action.

Please take care of your self and go see your doctor for some meds, get your lawyer on board, and start some counseling.

Some would suggest that filing for divorce and having her served ASAP is a solid stratagy in showing your W that her choices have real consequences, and in doing this quickly you may get her to once again make her think twice. The divorce can always be withdrawn before its finalixed.

So in short, be confident and attractive, investigat what you are up against, and give a taste of reality by filing yesterday.

There is a good chance her tune will change once she gets served so quickly.


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## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going thru this and so sorry for your children. I think those of us who have been cheated on are of course going to think 'other man', but you know your wife well and time will only tell. Wayward spouses will do their best to hide their infidelities - things you would have never thought them capable of. I hope in your case she is being truthful, but it wouldn't hurt to do a little investigating. You could try a recording device in her car. That was the nail in the coffin for me and my soon-to-be ex. I used a small voice-activated recorder under the seat of his car and by the end of the day I had all the proof I needed. Best of luck to you and keep us posted!


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

ok less is more dont call her or bug her in any way except for children related issues continue working on yr self develop some hobbies you said your a dj i take it your into music continue that if you like it and exercising is great as well. I am not suggesting this but it worked for me I had an affair on my spouse and she had a revenge ons i started going out with one of her friends and wowza she was all ready to get back together in no time flat etc again i am not suggesting you do that it worked for me take care of yourself and your kids thats really all you can do some folk say that sometimes time apart helps the other spouse realize what it is going to be like and they end getting back together hang in their and good luck


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

damb it man, don't let her know this "she means the world to you"... The perception is that you can move on with out her. The thinking here is the oppisite of what you feel

She has to start thinking twice and second guessing her choice by believing you are letting her go. You can alway regroup and change your plan to fight this but 1st try letting her go and make her face the consegeunce for her choice by seving her ASAP.

I know it suck man but she has your number and she will walk all ver your emotions and will continue to torture you b/c she nows you aint going any were and won't do any thing.

I love my wife more than anything, but it was the tough love approach that turned her around.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I'll only add that I agree that you need to rule out a possible affair

Would it be possible for you to plant a voice activated recorder (VAR) under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro? Cheaters often feel safe having conversations in their cars


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## DJDtek (May 2, 2012)

the guy said:


> damb it man, don't let her know this "she means the world to you"... The perception is that you can move on with out her. The thinking here is the oppisite of what you feel
> 
> She has to start thinking twice and second guessing her choice by believing you are letting her go. You can alway regroup and change your plan to fight this but 1st try letting her go and make her face the consegeunce for her choice by seving her ASAP.
> 
> ...


yeah, i only begged the first couple of days. The letters i wrote her were in the first 2 weeks but since I have been trying to be strong but when im alone i can do nothing but break down.


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## soconfused1984 (Apr 19, 2012)

when a person falls out of love with their spouse it does not necessarily mean that there is another person involved!!! i fell out of love with my husband and no matter what he tells me or does to get me back, there is no way back!!! i made my decision and he has to accept it, i no longer want to be hypocrite and waste his time, he could be with someone else and be way happier, he's not a bad person but i've never been happy with him, now, you don't seem like a bad person either and you seem to have positive things but have you asked her what really bothered her and expected from you?? anyways,,,you still in love with her and yes it will hurt but you're strong and you can make it through, don't think its the end of the world or something, who knows, maybe the time away from you she will realize what she let go and realizes she still loves you, i'm jsut saying cus it does happen =)


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## DJDtek (May 2, 2012)

soconfused1984 said:


> when a person falls out of love with their spouse it does not necessarily mean that there is another person involved!!! i fell out of love with my husband and no matter what he tells me or does to get me back, there is no way back!!! i made my decision and he has to accept it, i no longer want to be hypocrite and waste his time, he could be with someone else and be way happier, he's not a bad person but i've never been happy with him, now, you don't seem like a bad person either and you seem to have positive things but have you asked her what really bothered her and expected from you?? anyways,,,you still in love with her and yes it will hurt but you're strong and you can make it through, don't think its the end of the world or something, who knows, maybe the time away from you she will realize what she let go and realizes she still loves you, i'm jsut saying cus it does happen =)


mainly what bothered her was i never take time off to do things and since my father passed i had let myself since. But I have been working on myself, I have lost weight, hired an employee to run my shop that gives me 2 days off week and completing everything around the house with the help of my kids.


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## soconfused1984 (Apr 19, 2012)

and still she wants out? did u started changing after she wanted out? sometimes we realize that we need to change when it's too late =/.....unfortunately..


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## DJDtek (May 2, 2012)

soconfused1984 said:


> and still she wants out? did u started changing after she wanted out? sometimes we realize that we need to change when it's too late =/.....unfortunately..


the changes i have been making have been since she left and im hoping she notices. We both gain a lot of weight over the years and over the past year we both had been going to the gym and it has worked out well for her but my weight loss was slower. all i can do is continue to what i have been doing.


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## soconfused1984 (Apr 19, 2012)

yes keep up the good work for you and your well being =)


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

My wife was cheated on by her x and left him so I thought she would never do that to me but she has and is. I am fighting for my kids custody but it is an uphill battle. Sounds like you are ahead of me by having your kids. Sounds like you are in the same boat as me though just doing what is right for yourself and taking care of the kids.

I wish you well.


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