# Can I have my own savings account?



## sweetheartbreaking (Sep 29, 2013)

Hi all,

Thank you for reading my post.

I have been with my boyfriend for three years now, we have a child together. We just got engaged also. We have our finances in a joint account, he have his own savings, savings account and checking account with me also. I asked him if I could open my own savings account and he was kinda upset why would I open my own savings account. I told him so "why would you have ur own savings account and I could not have one?". Right now he was upset and wanted to know why would I want a savings account and I could not tell him honestly why...

We had a conversation 2 weeks ago that he would not marry me if I could not pay my student loans or not finish school. At this time I'm not sure how could I finish if I would not be able to get into the program that Im trying to get into becoz it is very competitive and I have been thinking of a different route. So that means it will take many years for me to pay my student loan or finish school and then we can get married? I've seen couple who got married no matter what and there is no condition or any deal in order to get married. I understand that he would not want to deal with my student loan debt, So, do I have to be rich for him to marry me? sad so sad...

I was just trying to think my future and my child because I don't think he is really going to marry me..

Thanks!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So many red flags... It's like a Chinese parade. 

Why did you get engaged with so many different issues going on?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, not only could you have your own savings account, you could have your own place and file for child support too. This guy sounds like a control freak, different rules for him than you, and saying you have to pay off an investment in your job/career/self before you are good enough of a risk for him? Arrrrrrrrgh.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

sweetheartbreaking said:


> Hi all,
> 
> 
> 
> We had a conversation 2 weeks ago that he would not marry me if I could not pay my student loans or not finish school.



Why do you still want to marry a man who told you this ^^^?

IMO, your boyfriend is telling you flat out that if you get into any trouble in the future, you're basically on your own.


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

You CAN have your own savings account. Why do you even have to ASK your bf if you can have this? 

My husband and I have individual checking and savings accounts, each. And a joint checking, and multiple joint savings accounts. 

Most of the time our individual savings accounts are empty b/c it all goes into joint savings. BUT if I want to save up money for presents over the year, I would want to put it somewhere he can't see or spend. There's your reason.  

I personally, would run away from the situation given the what you've told us. He sounds controlling and selfish.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

hmm,

I think the truth lies in the middle. I would be upset if you amassed a large student loan debt and then decided to change mid stream.
finish what you started.


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## sweetheartbreaking (Sep 29, 2013)

I know I understand and I will take all of your answers in a positive light. I have thought of ya'll opinions before already. I know I am stupid and I need to slap my face and throw a cold ice water on my head to wake up from my stupidity... ya'll i have left him once before already.. that is why he is scared for me to start saving my own money. I need clarity and I know all the answers are in the back of head but there is fear all over me.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Nobody is saying you're stupid! People are saying that you deserve better.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Fear of opening your own savings account? :wtf: :slap:


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I believe both people are entitled to have a personal savings account but one you both can view if you choose since marital money will be getting squirreled away in both accounts. 

It doesn't have to be for underhanded reasons either. I personally enjoy having an account of my own to purchase gifts and things for my husband.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

why did you leave him before?


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## sweetheartbreaking (Sep 29, 2013)

Verbally abusive and substance addiction issues. But VA is now into a minimum and control his behavior.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

This man is insecure and controlling. He doesn't want you to have the savings account because he fears it will give you independence and a way out if you want. On the flip side he wants control without the burden of your financial responsibilities. If he is this way now, how will he be down the road as he manipulates you further and further. It is your decision but you should seriously think about moving on from this relationship.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I believe both people are entitled to have a personal savings account but one you both can view if you choose since marital money will be getting squirreled away in both accounts.
> 
> It doesn't have to be for underhanded reasons either. I personally enjoy having an account of my own to purchase gifts and things for my husband.


And clothes and shoes!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

southern wife said:


> And clothes and shoes!


shhhh...not so loud,the menfolk will hear you!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Don't ask him just start a savings account.

do you work? or do you plan on starting a savings with his money?

is he still using? and do you also use?

if he complains about your savings then tell him its just smart for everybody to have their own savings. and if he don't like it then he can hit the road.


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

sweetheartbreaking said:


> Verbally abusive and substance addiction issues. But VA is now into a minimum and control his behavior.


Verbal abuse shouldn't be "at a minimum" it should be non-existent. 

Why did you take him back?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You NEED your own savings account. And make sure you have a power of attorney and will made up where you appoint someone you can trust to look after yourself, your child, and your money.

Do not get married. It sounds like a wonderful goal. 
But it's not the right time for you. 
To me, the situation sounds like a trap.
If a person has the background that your intended spouse has, he or she would realize the need for you to have your own account and the freedom to leave if you needed to.
YOU are not the poor risk here. He is trying to minimize his risk, of losing you and having liability. He wants you to be totally at his mercy and free of any obligations before he's willing to be your 'partner.' He's delusional.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

By the way... You said the verbal abuse has been "minimized". What about the substance abuse?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

PBear said:


> So many red flags... It's like a Chinese parade.
> 
> Why did you get engaged with so many different issues going on?
> 
> ...


Engaged! More importantly why did you have a child with this man given the state of the relationship?

I know I might come across as a "grumpy old man" but hasn't this generation heard of birth control (I fear abstinence is too much to hope for).

Still that is in the past and you cannot change it so look to the future, yes open a personal savings account you do not need his permission.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

sweetheartbreaking said:


> Verbally abusive and substance addiction issues. But VA is now into a minimum and control his behavior.


Ok sweetheart , 

I understand that you feel he would change and that the verbal abuse in on the decline. But the problem seems to show up in another area. 
Controlling behavior.

People who are abusive are themselves victims and need help.
I guess that you know that , but here's what, you can't help him because you don't know how to .
It's like a non swimmer trying to help a drowning person.
Whether or not you are " allowed" to open your own account isn't really your main problem.

Your real problem is that you're in an abusive , controlling relationship , with a man who's a substance abuser.

There are some serious choice you've got to make right now concerning your future , and that of your child.

At least, give your kid a chance in life , things will only get worse with your boyfriend.

You should probably do some research on codependent relationships.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

I hate to be this abrupt, but you need to drop this guy like a burning coal!

Anyone who is so one-sided doesn't deserve you! There are GOOD men out there, and you deserve one of them!


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Caribbean Man said:


> Ok sweetheart ,
> 
> I understand that you feel he would change and that the verbal abuse in on the decline. But the problem seems to show up in another area.
> Controlling behavior.
> ...


:iagree:

BINGO!!!


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I have a personal savings account and my DH doesn't. I don't actually use it, was actually thinking of closing it, but the fact is that it's there. Doesn't worry DH at all.

If DH wanted to open one, that would be fine too. He's never seemed to want to though, he likes me to track where all the money is going, for budgeting and stuff.

In a healthy relationship, all these things wouldn't be issues. You'd be surprised as to how much of a non issue it would be. Just think on how lovely it would be for stuff like that to not matter to you or your SO.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You don't need a savings account. Just give your money to your man and he'll take care of it. If you need money, ask him and he'll give you some. See? Easy peasy.

Ok....kidding!!!


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

My ex got angry when I opened a CHECKING account for myself so I totally understand what you're talking about. But I don't understand why he would say he won't marry you until you pay off your loan. Whatever happened to love, devotion, caring and being there for one another? If a man loves you and cares about you, and especially if he makes money he will help you out. You're his child's mother and he supposedly loves you..


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You should not be in a relationship where you have to ask permission to open a bank account. Among those other things you've listed too....


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

Sad state of affairs where abuse is kept to a minimum and you need permission to open a bank account.he sounds insecure and controlling .I know student loans can run high but if he is going to be your husband he should be willing to help you out,but the way you describe the way he is acting maybe you should think twice about marriage.good luck in whatever you decide.


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## sweetheartbreaking (Sep 29, 2013)

Hi thank you all so much for all the responses. It is helping me understand things in reality. I am really clouded with fear, low self esteem, and scared to be alone. Thank u thank u!


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## sweetheartbreaking (Sep 29, 2013)

Wiltshireman said:


> Engaged! More importantly why did you have a child with this man given the state of the relationship?
> 
> I know I might come across as a "grumpy old man" but hasn't this generation heard of birth control (I fear abstinence is too much to hope for).
> 
> Still that is in the past and you cannot change it so look to the future, yes open a personal savings account you do not need his permission.


Im on a birth control. I am in my 30's and this is my first child. I can't control things that are not my plan, maybe God has another plan why this happened to me. Thanks!


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## sweetheartbreaking (Sep 29, 2013)

PBear said:


> By the way... You said the verbal abuse has been "minimized". What about the substance abuse?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He said it is just weed, everybody use it. No I don't use drugs and I have never had before.


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## sweetheartbreaking (Sep 29, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> Don't ask him just start a savings account.
> 
> do you work? or do you plan on starting a savings with his money?
> 
> ...


He is an everyday user. It is JUST weed for him, it is no big deal. Im so surprised his company don't random check people. Yes, I work. My paycheck go straight to our joint account. NO I am not a drug user and never will be!!!


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## sweetheartbreaking (Sep 29, 2013)

PBear said:


> So many red flags... It's like a Chinese parade.
> 
> Why did you get engaged with so many different issues going on?
> 
> ...


We just got engaged after 3 years together. I was upset those entire years why it took him this long to give me a ring becoz I felt like I have done all the good things that every wife could give to a husband, yes I am a doormat. 

WHY? Because Im one of those typical women out there who thought staying for the sake of our child would do great things and I still love him. LOVE? what love is... a lot of things maybe Im scared to be alone, I still care about him all that kind of thins and mixture of guilt for my child that what if I leave and she will one day envy her friends with their intact family. I am here complaining how bad he is and I felt bad to even talk about him here.


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## sweetheartbreaking (Sep 29, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> hmm,
> 
> I think the truth lies in the middle. I would be upset if you amassed a large student loan debt and then decided to change mid stream.
> finish what you started.


TBH, I feel bad about it and I hate having debts and can't finish school. I can't focus studying becoz Im so focused on him. I have a study planner printed already but I have never follow it.. nothing is sinking in my brain but worry about my relationship with him... I feel obliged to finish becoz of my debt. I should have gone into different field that I have already a degree in...get into masters but that is another loans.. Oh Gosh! Im not so sure what I want to do right now. Im so clouded with so many emotions.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Don't take this the wrong way... But my suggestion for you is to look into individual counseling. Having someone you can talk to and try to get a handle on everything could really help you, I think. Of course, your fiancée won't like that, as he'll be insecure about what advice you'll be getting...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

cherrypie18 said:


> My ex got angry when I opened a CHECKING account for myself so I totally understand what you're talking about. But I don't understand why he would say he won't marry you until you pay off your loan. Whatever happened to love, devotion, caring and being there for one another? If a man loves you and cares about you, and especially if he makes money he will help you out. You're his child's mother and he supposedly loves you..


This is interesting and shows how all people are different I am 100% opposite on this. I wouldn't marry anyone that had a huge student loan debt, credit card debt, and so on. I would bring money into the marriage and wouldn't want my soon to be spouse to only bring debt. Saw a good friend do that. She married a guy with huge bills, and paid off all 16,000 of it. Was a deal for him :rofl::rofl:

On the account front I would expect to have joint accounts. I never understood the whole your account here, her account there and so on. If the other account serves a purpose then fine, for example I have savings accounts for my daughters. Or for a business maybe. Those my new wife wouldn't have access to. Other than that everything should be together.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Don't get married. Not at this point. You aren't ready.

Do get some individual councelling. Perhaps there are programs at your school that you can use. Get to the root of your self esteem issues. Don't settle for a jack ass, because you are afraid to be alone. Believe me, no jack ass beats jack ass, any day of the week.

And for crying out loud, you have a post secondary education, you aren't a complete idiot. Show it. (becoz. wtf!? Do you not care what you put out into the world? Or do you pretend to dumb things down? Don't do that. Don't sell yourself short. You are intelligent, you have an education, be proud of that!


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## sweetheartbreaking (Sep 29, 2013)

Thank you all so much for wisdom and thoughtful words. I really appreciate your time. Y'all have a good week!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sweetheartbreaking (Sep 29, 2013)

I've been to a counselor before to help me out dealing with his ADHD behavior, he takes medicine for it. I stop becoz it's too expensive, I've been reading self help books and listening to audiobooks, that seems to help me cope with all this mess. Thanks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Can I have my own savings account?*

Yes, you can. As can anybody else.



sweetheartbreaking said:


> We have our finances in a joint account, *he have his own savings, *savings account and checking account with me also.* I asked him if I could open my own savings account *and he was kinda upset why would I open my own savings account. *I told him so "why would you have ur own savings account and I could not have one?".* Right now *he was upset and wanted to know why would I want a savings account* and I could not tell him honestly why...


Oh, so he has one standard for you and another for him. Is he like this with everything else in your life? The vey fact that he thinks he can have his own bank account but you can't have yours really is telling.



sweetheartbreaking said:


> We had a conversation 2 weeks ago* that he would not marry me if I could not pay my student loans or not finish school. *At this time I'm not sure how could I finish if I would not be able to get into the program that Im trying to get into becoz it is very competitive and I have been thinking of a different route. *So that means it will take many years for me to pay my student loan or finish school and then we can get married? *I've seen couple who got married no matter what and there is no condition or any deal in order to get married.


Your last line says it all. He keeps giving your ultimatums and telling you what you can and cannot do and telling you that he will only marry you if you pay off your debt first.

Do you really want to marry someone like that? 

Because to me this guy has Manipulator/Controlling/Double Standard written all over him. They don't make very fun partners.

Also, to me there is nothing scarier than not having your own money. Get a savings account. This guy is bad news.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sweetheartbreaking said:


> TBH, I feel bad about it and I hate having debts and can't finish school. I can't focus studying becoz Im so focused on him. I have a study planner printed already but I have never follow it.. nothing is sinking in my brain but worry about my relationship with him... I feel obliged to finish becoz of my debt.


Finish your school. Concentrate hard on your studies so you can get good grades and be done. With or without him. A partner should enhance your life, not make you feel bad about it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> You NEED your own savings account. And make sure you have a power of attorney and will made up where you appoint someone you can trust to look after yourself, your child, and your money.
> 
> If a person has the background that your intended spouse has, he or she would realize the need for you to have your own account and the freedom to leave if you needed to.
> 
> YOU are not the poor risk here. He is trying to minimize his risk, of losing you and having liability. *He wants you to be totally at his mercy and free of any obligations before he's willing to be your 'partner.' * He's delusional.





Caribbean Man said:


> Your real problem is that you're in an abusive , controlling relationship , with a





lonelyhusband321 said:


> I hate to be this abrupt, but you need to drop this guy like a burning coal!
> 
> *Anyone who is so one-sided doesn't deserve you! *





3Xnocharm said:


> You should not be in a relationship where you have to ask permission to open a bank account. Among those other things you've listed too....





Amplexor said:


> This man is insecure and controlling. He doesn't want you to have the savings account because he fears it will give you independence and a way out if you want. On the flip side he wants control without the burden of your financial responsibilities. If he is this way now, how will he be down the road as he manipulates you further and further. It is your decision but you should seriously think about moving on from this relationship.


:iagree::iagree::iagree: with all of these posts!


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## HuggyBear (Aug 4, 2012)

I'm sorry, but why would you need to save money? In your case, you should be throwing absolutely every red cent at your student loans.

You are aware that the interest increases every day, I hope?

If your putting your money into the joint savings account and not paying back your loans, I can completely understand your boyfriends' concern.

Or maybe you'll get one of those "high interest" savings accounts. Yes, that was sarcasm...

Let me reiterate... if you have loans that you aren't paying as much as you possibly can, you shouldn't even THINK about a savings account. This is just a way you'll keep losing money. I'm guessing your studies have nothing to do with math, science, or reality.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

HuggyBear said:


> I'm sorry, but why would you need to save money? In your case, you should be throwing absolutely every red cent at your student loans.
> 
> You are aware that the interest increases every day, I hope?
> 
> ...


That seems fairly harsh and judgemental, as well as not entirely reality based. IMHO, people should have a cushion of cash to handle emergencies. From car repairs to having to put down a deposit on a new place because your husband is a controlling ass... After that cushion is in place, then you can focus on paying down interest charging debts. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sweetheartbreaking (Sep 29, 2013)

HuggyBear said:


> I'm sorry, but why would you need to save money? In your case, you should be throwing absolutely every red cent at your student loans.
> 
> You are aware that the interest increases every day, I hope?
> 
> ...


Dear Huggybear! The reality is that.. The solutions of my problems right
Now can't be solved by algebra, human anatomy, chemistry & physics!!! I'm dealing with a human being who is trying to control my
Actions.. It is more psychology. But thank you for your time and opinion, all of us have different ways of solving problems .. No, he won't allow me to start paying off my debt becoz he said if I'm going to start now the loan Provider will assume that I can afford to pay
And won't approve my request of postponement in the future. ok Huggybear
If i want to pay my debts i have to pay it in full, that's what he said. Thanks again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sweetheartbreaking (Sep 29, 2013)

sweetheartbreaking said:


> Dear Huggybear! The reality is that.. The solutions of my problems right
> Now can't be solved by algebra, human anatomy, chemistry & physics!!! I'm dealing with a human being who is trying to control my
> Actions.. It is more psychology. But thank you for your time and opinion, all of us have different ways of solving problems .. No, he won't allow me to start paying off my debt becoz he said if I'm going to start now the loan Provider will assume that I can afford to pay
> And won't approve my request of postponement in the future. ok Huggybear
> ...



Also he is paying off his mortgage, student loans, finished paying his car notes with most of our money together. So tell me why put a condition while I'm helping him with bills and etc. It was wrong for accumulating student loans, most of us go through it to finish school.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## easysolution (Mar 5, 2014)

sweetheartbreaking said:


> Also he is paying off his mortgage, student loans, finished paying his car notes with most of our money together. So tell me why put a condition while I'm helping him with bills and etc. It was wrong for accumulating student loans, most of us go through it to finish school.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wait, so you helped him pay off his student and car loans but he refuses to help you with your debts? :scratchhead: The mortgage I understand and agree with if you're living together, but I hope you see how wrong it is for you to pay his loans while he doesn't help you with yours.


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

Trying not to judge here. However I see you are young. This is a boyfriend you are not married ok. You are not his left arm. You are your own person and he already seems controlling. Whether you have a child or not is not the issue here. I'm in my 40's and have seen women now getting divorced with no money of there own because they never had there own identities. 

Get your own account. Savings checking etc. the question shouldn't even be asked. You are entitled to your own money and your own accounts. I teach my kids to be independent never rely on anyone. Please take this advice and don't let anyone tell you how to live your life.


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