# Worse off after separating



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

Anyone ever separate because the spouse wanted space and the relationship deteriated ? .. as in the separation made it worse ?

dont see how a separation can help a marriage if your not together.. it seems like one or both would get to the point of saying.. " i dont even care anymore...bye"


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## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

In theory it would make sense that marriages can be more likely to fail after a separation period, but I think that it's on a case by case basis.

There are a variety of reasons that could play in factor. My wife and I are currently separated but it is not completely the emotional aspect. We have financial trouble and she needs a more consistent babysitter for her cousins while she tries to write.

I agree it makes things more difficult than just being together, but it does make the parties work harder to show that they love and care for each other.


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## chaffy (Apr 11, 2011)

well my h gave me that as the reason he thought we should separate..it has been a little over 2 months and right now i dont see any change in him..says he needed space to work one himself but has admitted he has not done anything for himself..i still have a shred of hope that things might turn around for us..but while h is "finding" himself i need to work on me so no matter what the outcome i will be a stronger better version of myself.

i never wanted this in the first place..did not see it coming..i would reather be together working on us and supporting eachother to find themself, i also wanted mc..but h is not interested in that..


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Sometimes physical separation is necessary to give both parties a chance to calm down, and think about what each did to contribute to the break down of the marriage.

I don't necessarily agree that separation automatically means divorce. It depends on the purpose of the separation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

But your problem is you aren't really separated. You are roomates. You pay all the bills and she gets to do whatever she wants.

How is just moving to another bedroom a separation? Am I missing something?


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

socal04 said:


> Anyone ever separate because the spouse wanted space and the relationship deteriated ? .. as in the separation made it worse ?
> 
> dont see how a separation can help a marriage if your not together.. it seems like one or both would get to the point of saying.. " i dont even care anymore...bye"


If the spouse wants space, it usually means that they ARE NOT interested in siting down and working things out at this time! FORCING them to do so only adds fuel to the fire!

If your situation is so bad that the spouse DON'T even want to sit down and have a normal conversation, you will only make things worse.

If you think separation is worse, ... " you ain't seen nothin yet ". By the time you get done forcing your issues when your spouse is NOT interested in listening, they will turn further and further away from you. The end result is a DIVORCE!

*Don't say you weren't warned!* Separation gives both (like someone said) a chance to calm down, do some self evaluation and miss each other.

Separation gives a broken relationship a *CHANCE *of fixing the problem. *FORCING *a broken relationship to stay together when one or both are unwilling to cooperate will *FOR SURE *make the situation worse!


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

I feel horrible during this whole separation thing. It kills me that I am sleeping alone in our bed, it's too big for one. Empty drawers, shoe racks, and fridge (I don't feel like cooking now that he is gone, I'll just open a canned food), all of these things make me feel dead. 

Unfortunately, H is probably feeling the 'initial' euphoria of the separation, I know he has been buying expensive stuffs for himself (clothes, wine), having take-outs instead of cooking, and just pampering himself. I'm quite confident this whole 'single' thing for him will soon get old so either he comes back or finds another woman.. I'm just praying for a miracle, it's out of my hands.


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## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> But your problem is you aren't really separated. You are roomates. You pay all the bills and she gets to do whatever she wants.
> 
> How is just moving to another bedroom a separation? Am I missing something?



well its supposed to be a in house separation.. not even exactly sure what that means still.. today is my birthday and very wierd... she almost seems depressed overall.. smiling but just OFF.. made an attempt and bought me a gift but im sad cause i know things are nt right...everyday the same..not even sure what to do.


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

Kauaiguy said:


> If the spouse wants space, it usually means that they ARE NOT interested in siting down and working things out at this time! FORCING them to do so only adds fuel to the fire!
> 
> If your situation is so bad that the spouse DON'T even want to sit down and have a normal conversation, you will only make things worse.
> 
> ...


you sound like you're speaking from experience Kauaiguy. I have been guilty of everything in your warning. Wife wanted space, I pushed till she wanted to "legalize" the separation. Then I pushed more until she finally said "if you want me to figure it out so bad, fine, I've figured it out... I'm filing divorce!"

Just counting the days now. You would not recognize her from the woman I knew 3 months ago. She has completely overhauled her life. New friends, new job, new car... and nothing in her life has anything to do with me except our kids... If they want space, just let them have it!


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

I am trying to do that now, but after 28 years together, the beginning wasn't easy. My H never asked for a separation or to work on the marriage, just sat down one day and said I need a divorce. Of course, he really hasn't done anything to get there, except when I said I couldn't stand him in the house anymore, unless he was willing to work on the marriage, he said no, so out he went. I am working very hard to try to just act like he is not around. We have been meeting every week at MC (weird, I know).


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Don't want to put a bad spin on this, but it does really matter what the other person is doing. If they are doing it to think about the possibilities of the marriage or just to get away it makes a difference. I thought my W was leaving to work on herself and get her strength back and see where we would go from here. Apparently she made up her mind a long time ago. The problem is that once some people make up their minds, that is it. You can't do anything to change them. They are just going to keep charging at windmills whether it's a good idea or not. My W is that way (so it seems) and her therapist is telling her that this is the right course of action. Interesting fact. Did you know that around 80% of licensed therapists, counselors, and psychiatrists claim to be marital counselors, but only about 15% have any training or extensive experience with marital counseling? Read that in a couple of articles and a book. So apparently some marital counselors are complete frauds. I think my W found one. Sorry, really angry right now and needed to vent. Just remember that separation can lead to a better marriage if the conditions are right.


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

My H has an anxiety disorder along with some serious episodes of depression over the years and I worry that his mental health counselor is really not trained to handle that. He has anxiety meds from our Primary care doc, but I wish he would see a specialist


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## chaffy (Apr 11, 2011)

^Dante..that is my concern..think H may have already made up his mind and just doesn't want to tell me..sometimes i think he is wanting me to say i want a D so he isn't the bad guy..but he already is since he was the one that walked out not me..


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## onceagain (May 31, 2011)

I know mine seems to be getting worse after the separation. When he moved out it was a done deal...we thought. Then a week later he said we'd have a do-over. Date, start over, etc. Now he is in this "Maybe I just want to be alone" mode. He's not talking to friends much, never calls me, just his family and his kids. Says he's a lazy, irresponsible, immature person and he likes it that way. He says right now, I'm reflecting inward and am making changes but he's reflecting inwards, sees his faults but instead of making changes he just accepts them. He says this is all a faze. He said he went thru this when his first marriage ended, when he moved out on his own the first time as a young man, he has this sense of freedom back and he likes it. He said he thinks it's a stage and he'll come out of it, he just doesn't know when. He said he can't trust himself to make life altering decisions and that what he once thought was right turned out wrong so he thinks he just has everything wrong now. I asked him how do I know that when he opens back up that he'll chose to come back to me? He used to say marriage is forever unless there's beatin and cheatin', which there was neither. Now he's considering bailing? Where did his morals go? How does this mentality turn around??? I wish I was a man sometimes...so I could understand my husband!!! I'm exhausted and need to just let this be for now. Leave it alone until he can make sense of things. I stopped the divorce papers because he said if I need him to sign them now then he will but that does not mean he thinks it's over. If he decides to come back even after the papers are filed or the divorce is final he will. So no use in filing. It's still no closure! This is mind numbing....


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Yeah, kinda looks like that is what my W has been doing for the past two months. The whole "I don't want to hurt you" line came up. Well walking out hurt me more than anything else in my life. And "I want to make sure you are ok" is the other thing she keeps saying. Forget it. She gave up those rights when she left. I am so tired of dealing with her BS. I am moving toward getting the divorce. I am sick of all of this and her spending our money like it is a free vacation for her from any responsibility. I am also going to tell her that she has to find her own place and quit mooching off of my friend. Wonder what life will be like when she has to pay for her own crap from here on out. Sorry, once again. Just angry right now.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

dante said:


> Yeah, kinda looks like that is what my W has been doing for the past two months. The whole "I don't want to hurt you" line came up. Well walking out hurt me more than anything else in my life. And "I want to make sure you are ok" is the other thing she keeps saying. Forget it. She gave up those rights when she left. I am so tired of dealing with her BS.


:iagree:

I heard that "I don't want to hurt you" line as well. I want to know
if "you didn't want to hurt me then what do you call THIS?" H calls the kids in order to "make sure I'm ok" and get updates on what I might be doing. Kids won't tell him anything other than she's fine or doing good. Anything further then they tell him that he'd have to talk directly to me. I also feel that he gave up any rights to know what I'm doing as soon as he made the choice to be with another woman.


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