# This road probably leads to me being alone.



## lemon_fresh

Hello. This is my first post here. I guess I am posting because I need support. 

Both my wife and I are 36, and we have been married for 15 years. We have 4 daughters (19 (hers from previous relationship who is now away at college), 14, 13, 11). Marriage has always been rocky for a variety of reasons on both out parts (including 2 kind of EAs of mine early on and her bouts of extreme anger and rage).

I have low self esteem, codependency, and an aversion to conflict. I was always jealous of her past lovers, but kept it under wraps for the most part. Sometimes she would complain to me that guys were bothering her, but I figured she could handle herself, because she is strong and feisty. 

From 2015 until recently, we both worked for the same national bus company, so our time together was severely lacking. 

Long story short, April of this year, we hadn't been intimate since February. O mad an advance, she rebuffed me, and I got pissed. Thinking something is up, I checked the cell phone bill. I find a number that comes up repeatedly. It is not consistent, but many of the calls are for 15+ minutes (some are over 45), with return calls, etc etc, both inbound and outbound. This is over the course of a year and a half (which is as far back as I can go in the logs). I confront her, pissed, and she refuses to tell me who it is (I know itnin a guy, as I called and hung up when he answered) and says "just friends" and he entertained her while she was driving sometimes, and that she won't talk to him anymore. She said he got acquired her number, and used to bother her, but they became friends. I accepted that, as she had never given me reason to doubt her. 

It all went to hell after that. 

One morning in May, she got home from work and went off on the kids for not having the house clean. She woke them at 430AM and started screaming at them and slamming things around. I got pissed and told her that she always complains about being the bad guy, well this is why she is seen as the bad guy, and this is the reason her oldest is in a hurry to move out. She didn't talk to me for the next week. The next weekend, we were moving her oldest to college. I drive the Uhaul, and she drove our car while her daughter followed. They were about an hour ahead. I called tinder if they were going to break anywhere, and just to talk, but my wife said she doesn't like talking while driving without her Bluetooth earbud. That is logical. 

Two weeks later, my wife took July off to take some summer classes at college. She woke me up to say she was leaving. I rolled over check her work phone for the time. The call log was open, and she had talked to the OM for three of the four hour trip to drop off her daughter. 

I blew a gasket and text bombed her. This started a month long argument where she started off saying she was sorry, she loves me, just friends, nothing physical, he is not even hot, etc to blaming it all on how it is not his fault we are not intimate, I am a bad husband, she was never really happy in our marriage, she feels nothing for me, I am not attractive to her, she is dead sexually, she settled for me, I did the same thing to her, and how the last 5 years of intimacy were forced on her by me. She still refused to tell me who it was. I asked her what would happen if the tables were turned, and she started crying. By now the wheels are spinning. I drive for 8+ hours a day, so I have a lot of time to ruminate. I pour over the call logs and figure out who I think it was, and it is a guy that she knows I despise. I call her and ask her why she is talking to XXX, and it wasn't just while driving. It was also while she was at home or at the driver hotel, when she was supposed to be asleep. She says it wasn't him, and I am being obsessive, and am trying to sabotage her college classes with my obsession and starting arguments. 

I drop it and deal with it mentally until I happen to see his number and name together on a directory at our old job. So I confront her again, and she denies it. I told her I saw it with my own eyes, and she just blows it off. 

By this time, her personal and work iPhones are locked with different passwords. I get my daughter to unlock her phone, and I go through it. He is still on her contact list under an acronym of where he works, but no calls or messages. I don't say anything, but she gets pissed when my daughter tells her I was going through her phone, so I say yes I did, and I saw your contact list and some sexy pictures from a year ago that I never received. 

She says she didn't realize it was on there, and the pictures were for her. She says they were never inappropriate, never even met up, and that she thought she could have platonic guy friends, but she can't because she now knows that it looks bad (this last one is a load of crap, TBH).

About three weeks ago, I ask her to unlock her phones, because I want to verify. She says no, and that she now wants a divorce. I tell her that's that's what she wants, get started. 

Since then, we have been up and down... mostly down. I don't believe anything she says at this point. I feel like I don't even know her anymore. Her stories do not make sense, trickle truth, lies, betrayal.

I have kind of resigned myself to knowing that they slept together. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I don't trust her at all anymore, and her words and actions don't help either. I have a feeling she is still on him, but I can't prove anything. 

I guess my next step is to start with the VARs. I think I am finally stepping out of codependency, because I am done with her threats of divorce. I just don't care anymore. 

Any thoughts, advice, support is more than welcome. Thanks for reading my venting.


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## Spoons027

Hello. First off, if you do plan to use VAR, and catch her, don't give away your sources when you confront. That just makes her even sneakier with communication. What little evidence you have, save that. Even if where you live is no-fault, use the evidence to remind yourself of who/what she has become now. 

Yep, it's probably for the best to assume that they slept together. In that case, who knows what kind of STDs were picked up? If you've been intimate, be sure to get checked.


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## GusPolinski

File for divorce first thing tomorrow morning.

That's pretty much the best advice you're gonna get.


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## lemon_fresh

GusPolinski said:


> File for divorce first thing tomorrow morning.
> 
> That's pretty much the best advice you're gonna get.


I would, but I would also like to have some tangible proof to stick to her, at least for my own pride (which as you all know is in the gutter right now).


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## TaDor

Get a VAR for yourself - So when you interact with her, you can keep track of what she is saying. Go to bestbuy and buy one today. The SONY PX470 or PX370. (The $20 extra on the 470 maybe worth it).
Make sure your state allows you to record her without legal problems... In one of your future talks, discuss her cheating and that she is WILLING to destroy her family over a penis, etc.

Keep handy for the future... because she will likely LIE to your kids that her NEW boyfriend was AFTER the breakup/divorce. 

Next, consider your marriage is over. Best thing you can do.
You FILE for divorce. Don't wait for her to do it. Get all that you can.

Expose the OM to his wife and company. She may lose her job if they both work for the same company you do... sticky.

It sucks.


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## lemon_fresh

Spoons027 said:


> Hello. First off, if you do plan to use VAR, and catch her, don't give away your sources when you confront. That just makes her even sneakier with communication. What little evidence you have, save that. Even if where you live is no-fault, use the evidence to remind yourself of who/what she has become now.
> 
> Yep, it's probably for the best to assume that they slept together. In that case, who knows what kind of STDs were picked up? If you've been intimate, be sure to get checked.


I have all the phone records in my Google Drive. That is my only evidence. 

He is married and works for a small local school district as a police officer, and used his work phone to carry this on during school hours. I am thinking of sending what I know to the superintendent and schoolboard. I found his address and stuff on spokeo. 

As for STD's, we haven't done anything since February. LOL. But I guess I should.


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## honcho

lemon_fresh said:


> I would, but I would also like to have some tangible proof to stick to her, at least for my own pride (which as you all know is in the gutter right now).


You don't need anymore proof than you have already. The want or need for more is the lie your telling yourself to avoid doing what needs to be done and that's filing for divorce. Unless your state has clear at fault rules for divorce most of the evidence gathering is useless. 

The longer affairs go on the more damage they cause. File for divorce, find out who this guy's wife is an inform her of the affair.


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## lemon_fresh

TaDor said:


> Get a VAR for yourself - So when you interact with her, you can keep track of what she is saying. Go to bestbuy and buy one today. The SONY PX470 or PX370. (The $20 extra on the 470 maybe worth it).
> Make sure your state allows you to record her without legal problems... In one of your future talks, discuss her cheating and that she is WILLING to destroy her family over a penis, etc.
> 
> Keep handy for the future... because she will likely LIE to your kids that her NEW boyfriend was AFTER the breakup/divorce.
> 
> Next, consider your marriage is over. Best thing you can do.
> You FILE for divorce. Don't wait for her to do it. Get all that you can.
> 
> Expose the OM to his wife and company. She may lose her job if they both work for the same company you do... sticky.
> 
> It sucks.


He works at the school district we both used to work at. I was a security guard there. He originally got her number from the school owned phone that I turned in when I left. 

When it boils down to it, I will tell the kids myself what happened. They already know that something is up. Just not the details.

God I hate this. I loved her. She was my life.

I have an audio recorder on my phone that auto-uploads to my Google Drive. I just want a VAR to finally catch her red handed so she can't waffle anymore.


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## lemon_fresh

honcho said:


> You don't need anymore proof than you have already. The want or need for more is the lie your telling yourself to avoid doing what needs to be done and that's filing for divorce. Unless your state has clear at fault rules for divorce most of the evidence gathering is useless.
> 
> The longer affairs go on the more damage they cause. File for divorce, find out who this guy's wife is an inform her of the affair.


I live in Texas, so I can go no fault or at fault. 

I know it needs tonne done, and I know I am kind of buying time, but she has an answer for everything. I want something that isndifficult to deny (plus I want to see her squirm and I kind of want to hear her excuse. LOL). 

When I get back home on Tuesday, I will go see some divorce lawyers.


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## GusPolinski

lemon_fresh said:


> I would, but I would also like to have some tangible proof to stick to her, at least for my own pride (which as you all know is in the gutter right now).


If having *court-admissible proof* won't help you at all (and it likely won't) in terms of securing better terms in what will eventually be divorce anyway, don't bother. I say that because anything that you get on a VAR isn't going to be court-admissible -- and using one could even be illegal where you live, especially if you're not part of the conversations being recorded.

But if all you want is to hear it for yourself, sure -- get a VAR. But don't ever Ever EVER give up your sources.

Tell you what -- start talking to lawyers first thing tomorrow.


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## lemon_fresh

Regarding divorce, I want to, and I know it will happen sooner or later, and I am at ease with that. 

I do feel kind of crappy. I mean, she is back in college now, and I am paying all the bills, debts, and the car loan (which is under my name.). I mean, I know that she did this, but at the same time, not to come off as weak, but I don't think it's is in my nature to leave someone high and dry.


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## GusPolinski

lemon_fresh said:


> He works at the school district we both used to work at. I was a security guard there. He originally got her number from the school owned phone that I turned in when I left.
> 
> When it boils down to it, I will tell the kids myself what happened. They already know that something is up. Just not the details.
> 
> God I hate this. I loved her. She was my life.
> 
> I have an audio recorder on my phone that auto-uploads to my Google Drive. I just want a VAR to finally catch her red handed so she can't waffle anymore.


Sounds like you accidentally left your phone in her car.

With the audio app running.

And wouldn't you know it... it slid up under the seat.

Good thing that Velcro kept it from sliding around everywhere. 

:smthumbup: :lol: :rofl:


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## GusPolinski

lemon_fresh said:


> Regarding divorce, I want to, and I know it will happen sooner or later, and I am at ease with that.
> 
> I do feel kind of crappy. I mean, she is back in college now, and I am paying all the bills, debts, and the car loan (which is under my name.). I mean, I know that she did this, but at the same time, not to come off as weak, but I don't think it's is in my nature to leave someone high and dry.


Even when said person is practically begging for it?


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## farsidejunky

lemon_fresh said:


> I would, but I would also like to have some tangible proof to stick to her, at least for my own pride (which as you all know is in the gutter right now).


Why? You don't need to prove this in a court of law.

You KNOW what is happening.


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## TaDor

Also, its time to expose her to her family and yours.


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## oldshirt

lemon_fresh said:


> I would, but I would also like to have some tangible proof to stick to her, at least for my own pride (which as you all know is in the gutter right now).


You do not need to prove to her she is screwing around. She already knows.


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## lemon_fresh

farsidejunky said:


> Why? You don't need to prove this in a court of law.
> 
> You KNOW what is happening.


Pride.

Seeing her squirm.

Amusement at hearing her excuse.

A catalyst to bring up divorce, since I have been acting normal lately.


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## lifeistooshort

But you do know what would happen if the tables were turned. 

You had two EA's yourself, and you're still married.

How do you know she got over them? What was done to deal with them?


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## oldshirt

lemon_fresh said:


> Regarding divorce, I want to, and I know it will happen sooner or later, and I am at ease with that.
> 
> I do feel kind of crappy. I mean, she is back in college now, and I am paying all the bills, debts, and the car loan (which is under my name.). I mean, I know that she did this, but at the same time, not to come off as weak, but I don't think it's is in my nature to leave someone high and dry.


Which is exactly why you need to file ASAP. Otherwise she just keeps running up the bills for you to pay while she has fun with the OM and they each get a good laugh at your expense. 

She's the one that doesn't love you, isn't attracted to you and hasn't touched in months while she gets down with the OM. 

Why do you see extracting yourself from that situation as leaving her high and dry. she has already left you high and dry, she just hasn't done the paperwork at the courthouse yet (because you are paying her bills)

That's why YOU need to pull the plug on this. 

Set your anger and hurt and disappointment on the shelf for a little while and use your head and be smart and do what you know needs to be done.


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## lemon_fresh

GusPolinski said:


> Even when said person is practically begging for it?


I guess you are correct. I got a big heart, man. I hate hurting people. Grew up Christian "do unto others" and "turn the other cheek". Mr. Nice Guy. Yes, I have read the book (NMMNG) a month ago. But being nice guy for 36 years, I haven't completely done a 180 yet. 

And that is besides the fact that I still love her. We were inseparable for 13 years. She did put up with all lot of my ****, and I hers. 

All this is really difficult. I was not made for this. I do know that divorce is probably the only option. Doesn't make me want to go that route any more, make me less scared of my future, or actually ease my brain that has been on overdrive for three months. 

I know you guys have been through similar things, so I know you know what you are talking about. And you know exactly what I am going through, my emotions and the constantly spinning hamster wheel in my head. 

It is just very difficult.


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## honcho

lemon_fresh said:


> Pride.
> 
> Seeing her squirm.
> 
> Amusement at hearing her excuse.
> 
> A catalyst to bring up divorce, since I have been acting normal lately.


She won't squirm and she will blame you and you won't find any amusement at her excuses. Save the dramatics hire a lawyer and show her you won't tolerate her having an affair.


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## TaDor

- The VAR will pick up things a phone cannot. And if you get an incoming phone call or need to call the police on her - the app will shut down. Get the VAR, test it out - buy it with cash and toss the packaging away. (once you know the VAR works)

- Back up off site... Make sure the google drive is secure. You are going to war.

- Expose cop to his employers and his wife... Don't WARN or threaten your wife of this action... Do it on Monday / Tues. Like right after you talk to the lawyer.
The school cop will likely run back to his wife - trying to save his marriage and throw yours under a bus. Then she will see how much she means to him.

He's half the problem.

PS: does he work where you kids go to school? Thats a problem too.


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## lemon_fresh

lifeistooshort said:


> But you do know what would happen if the tables were turned.
> 
> You had two EA's yourself, and you're still married.
> 
> How do you know she got over them? What was done to deal with them?


Kind of EAs. I don't know how I would classify them. 

1) 23 years old. Became infatuated with a girl at work who was having difficulties with her husband (and I was with my wife as well). I worked there two months. Exchanged letters once. Wife found the letter. She had a cow. I quit the job a week later of my own volition, and we never went to that place again, and I have never seen or heard from her since. 

2) 26 worked as a charter bus driver for a summer. Took a group to an amusement park. A clique asked me if I wanted to join them at the park. One of the girls in that clique was my ride partner. We ended up talking on the hotel phones all night. I never saw her or even talked to her again, but I changed my computer password to her name when I got home. Wife had a keylogger on the PC, so she obviously exploded. 

From then on, my tech has always been wide open, and I have told her every time something that could be questionable happened, for transparency reasons (but there were times she thought I was throwing it in her face, according to her). 

So neither of my indiscretions were close to long lived, and no lovey-doveys were ever exchanged

I not minimizing. I know I screwed up, and I know I hurt her and our relationship.


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## lemon_fresh

TaDor said:


> - The VAR will pick up things a phone cannot. And if you get an incoming phone call or need to call the police on her - the app will shut down. Get the VAR, test it out - buy it with cash and toss the packaging away. (once you know the VAR works)
> 
> - Back up off site... Make sure the google drive is secure. You are going to war.
> 
> - Expose cop to his employers and his wife... Don't WARN or threaten your wife of this action... Do it on Monday / Tues. Like right after you talk to the lawyer.
> The school cop will likely run back to his wife - trying to save his marriage and throw yours under a bus. Then she will see how much she means to him.
> 
> He's half the problem.
> 
> PS: does he work where you kids go to school? Thats a problem too.


Yes, he does.

I have changed all my passwords to everything since this happened.


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## lifeistooshort

lemon_fresh said:


> Kind of EAs. I don't know how I would classify them.
> 
> 1) 23 years old. Became infatuated with a girl at work who was having difficulties with her husband (and I was with my wife as well). I worked there two months. Exchanged letters once. Wife found the letter. She had a cow. I quit the job a week later of my own volition, and we never went to that place again, and I have never seen or heard from her since.
> 
> 2) 26 worked as a charter bus driver for a summer. Took a group to an amusement park. A clique asked me if I wanted to join them at the park. One of the girls in that clique was my ride partner. We ended up talking on the hotel phones all night. I never saw her or even talked to her again, but I changed my computer password to her name when I got home. Wife had a keylogger on the PC, so she obviously exploded.
> 
> From then on, my tech has always been wide open, and I have told her every time something that could be questionable happened, for transparency reasons (but there were times she thought I was throwing it in her face, according to her).
> 
> So neither of my indiscretions were close to long lived, and no lovey-doveys were ever exchanged
> 
> I not minimizing. I know I screwed up, and I know I hurt her and our relationship.


Ok, thanks for clarifying. I just think you need to keep in mind that your clear poor boundaries probably contributed to a certain atmosphere in the marriage. I get that you were young, but it sent a message that you can't be trusted 100% and I suspect the damage has always been there. 

That's not to say you should accept what's going on now, especially since she doesn't seem to be interested in repairing things. Your best course right now is to file.....BUT.....if she does come around and is willing to do what needs to be done you you might keep in mind how your behavior likely set up an atmosphere of distrust.


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## GusPolinski

TaDor said:


> Also, its time to expose her to her family and yours.


And if OM is married, contact his wife as well.


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## GusPolinski

lemon_fresh said:


> I guess you are correct. I got a big heart, man. I hate hurting people. Grew up Christian "do unto others" and "turn the other cheek". Mr. Nice Guy. Yes, I have read the book (NMMNG) a month ago. But being nice guy for 36 years, I haven't completely done a 180 yet.
> 
> And that is besides the fact that I still love her. We were inseparable for 13 years. She did put up with all lot of my ****, and I hers.
> 
> All this is really difficult. I was not made for this. I do know that divorce is probably the only option. Doesn't make me want to go that route any more, make me less scared of my future, or actually ease my brain that has been on overdrive for three months.
> 
> I know you guys have been through similar things, so I know you know what you are talking about. And you know exactly what I am going through, my emotions and the constantly spinning hamster wheel in my head.
> 
> It is just very difficult.


Turn BOTH cheeks 180 degrees.


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## Marc878

lemon_fresh said:


> Regarding divorce, I want to, and I know it will happen sooner or later, and I am at ease with that.
> 
> I do feael kind of crappy. I mean, she is back in college now, and I am paying all the bills, debts, and the car loan (which is under my name.). I mean, *I know that she did this, but at the same time, not to come off as weak, but I don't think it's is in my nature to leave someone high and dry*.


She sure didn't mind screwing you over though did she.

Sounds like you're making excuses to do nothing like most at this stage.

Maybe when you get tired of taking it up the ass you'll change your mind.


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## Marc878

The only one keeping you in limbo hell is yourself. It's your life to waste if that's what you want.


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## lemon_fresh

I put a VAR in our car before I left for work. 

As for screwing her over, I dunno. I am just not a tit for tat person. 

Would you guys recommend a full on lawyer or just a mediator?


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## sokillme

> This road probably leads to me being alone.


Sounds like a road worth taking. Seriously she sounds abusive as hell.


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## chillymorn69

Your prolonging the agony.

Nobody cares why people get divorced. If you want the best for all your kids your stbxw and yourself just file and start moving on with your new life. 

Instead of putting yourself through more stress and possibly deeper depression which would most likley be more difficult for you to move on from.

See a lawyer and I would bet my left nut that is what he will tell you.


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## oldshirt

lemon_fresh said:


> I put a VAR in our car before I left for work.
> 
> As for screwing her over, I dunno. I am just not a tit for tat person.
> 
> Would you guys recommend a full on lawyer or just a mediator?


Noone has said a thing about screwing her over. 

Getting yourself out of that situation and not paying her bills while she has fun with another guy is not screwing her over. 

Those are your words, not ours. 

She has came right out and said that she does not love you, is not attracted to you and does not want a marital sex life with you. There for there is no reason to remain in a marriage where you still foot her bills and help provide a roof over her head and food on her table whilst she carries on with some other man.

Moving on with your own life unyoked from her is not screwing her over. It is setting her free to do as she wishes just as it is setting you free. 

And part of that freedom is the freedom to pay her own bills and expenses and the freedom for you to not pay her stuff. 

That is not vindictiveness or vengeance or payback. It is separating the finances of two individuals who are dissolving their marriage.


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## oldshirt

And yes, you should absolutely, without question have your own lawyer to advocate for you and your best interests. 

Even if you were to go through a mediator and work out 90% of the details through mediation, you will still want your own lawyer to review everything and make sure that you are getting your fair shake.


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## Mr Blunt

> By lemon fresh
> Marriage has always been rocky for a variety of reasons on both out parts (including 2 kind of EAs of mine early on and her bouts of extreme anger and rage).
> 
> I have low self esteem, codependency, and an aversion to conflict. I was always jealous of her past lovers
> 
> blaming it all on how it is not his fault we are not intimate, I am a bad husband, she was never really happy in our marriage, she feels nothing for me, I am not attractive to her, she is dead sexually, she settled for me, I did the same thing to her, and how the last 5 years of intimacy were forced on her by me.


Your marriage is a train wreck!!! 

You both have a ton of baggage that you both have done nothing about for years.

Get a divorce and get all the help that you can for yourself. You can only save and help yourself at this point. Focus on you improving your baggage so that you can be of help to your children. Your wife is history and you should force yourself to accept this and force yourself to keep her out of your mind and emotions. You will need help to do this as you will fail from time to time. If you do it right you will be much improved in the years to come.

*If you do not get help and get your damage in better shape you will wind up being a door mat and no good to anyone. This is real life and you cannot cop out so make up your mind and get going*!!


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## TaDor

Did you go through the settings? The SONY doesn't light up. And you turned OFF the BEEPing? ie: so it doesn't beep when buttons are pressed or possible beeping when the batteries are low.
Did you set it to VAR/VOR mode ON? IE: If she leaves for work and comes back home in 10~12 hours. You don't have 9 hours of silence/ random outdoor noises. The VAR will record VOICES and noise - so it will record maybe 1-2 hours.

- She is screwing you over. More ways than one. She is screwing over your kids... 
- Doesn't seem like an amicable divorce. Depends on your state, who is paying child-support, where the kids are gonna live, what legal protections you have, etc.


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## aine

lemon_fresh said:


> Hello. This is my first post here. I guess I am posting because I need support.
> 
> Both my wife and I are 36, and we have been married for 15 years. We have 4 daughters (19 (hers from previous relationship who is now away at college), 14, 13, 11). Marriage has always been rocky for a variety of reasons on both out parts (including 2 kind of EAs of mine early on and her bouts of extreme anger and rage).
> 
> I have low self esteem, codependency, and an aversion to conflict. I was always jealous of her past lovers, but kept it under wraps for the most part. Sometimes she would complain to me that guys were bothering her, but I figured she could handle herself, because she is strong and feisty.
> 
> From 2015 until recently, we both worked for the same national bus company, so our time together was severely lacking.
> 
> Long story short, April of this year, we hadn't been intimate since February. O mad an advance, she rebuffed me, and I got pissed. Thinking something is up, I checked the cell phone bill. I find a number that comes up repeatedly. It is not consistent, but many of the calls are for 15+ minutes (some are over 45), with return calls, etc etc, both inbound and outbound. This is over the course of a year and a half (which is as far back as I can go in the logs). I confront her, pissed, and she refuses to tell me who it is (I know itnin a guy, as I called and hung up when he answered) and says "just friends" and he entertained her while she was driving sometimes, and that she won't talk to him anymore. She said he got acquired her number, and used to bother her, but they became friends. I accepted that, as she had never given me reason to doubt her.
> 
> It all went to hell after that.
> 
> One morning in May, she got home from work and went off on the kids for not having the house clean. She woke them at 430AM and started screaming at them and slamming things around. I got pissed and told her that she always complains about being the bad guy, well this is why she is seen as the bad guy, and this is the reason her oldest is in a hurry to move out. She didn't talk to me for the next week. The next weekend, we were moving her oldest to college. I drive the Uhaul, and she drove our car while her daughter followed. They were about an hour ahead. I called tinder if they were going to break anywhere, and just to talk, but my wife said she doesn't like talking while driving without her Bluetooth earbud. That is logical.
> 
> Two weeks later, my wife took July off to take some summer classes at college. She woke me up to say she was leaving. I rolled over check her work phone for the time. The call log was open, and she had talked to the OM for three of the four hour trip to drop off her daughter.
> 
> I blew a gasket and text bombed her. This started a month long argument where she started off saying she was sorry, she loves me, just friends, nothing physical, he is not even hot, etc to blaming it all on how it is not his fault we are not intimate, I am a bad husband, she was never really happy in our marriage, she feels nothing for me, I am not attractive to her, she is dead sexually, she settled for me, I did the same thing to her, and how the last 5 years of intimacy were forced on her by me. She still refused to tell me who it was. I asked her what would happen if the tables were turned, and she started crying. By now the wheels are spinning. I drive for 8+ hours a day, so I have a lot of time to ruminate. I pour over the call logs and figure out who I think it was, and it is a guy that she knows I despise. I call her and ask her why she is talking to XXX, and it wasn't just while driving. It was also while she was at home or at the driver hotel, when she was supposed to be asleep. She says it wasn't him, and I am being obsessive, and am trying to sabotage her college classes with my obsession and starting arguments.
> 
> I drop it and deal with it mentally until I happen to see his number and name together on a directory at our old job. So I confront her again, and she denies it. I told her I saw it with my own eyes, and she just blows it off.
> 
> By this time, her personal and work iPhones are locked with different passwords. I get my daughter to unlock her phone, and I go through it. He is still on her contact list under an acronym of where he works, but no calls or messages. I don't say anything, but she gets pissed when my daughter tells her I was going through her phone, so I say yes I did, and I saw your contact list and some sexy pictures from a year ago that I never received.
> 
> She says she didn't realize it was on there, and the pictures were for her. She says they were never inappropriate, never even met up, and that she thought she could have platonic guy friends, but she can't because she now knows that it looks bad (this last one is a load of crap, TBH).
> 
> About three weeks ago, I ask her to unlock her phones, because I want to verify. She says no, and that she now wants a divorce. I tell her that's that's what she wants, get started.
> 
> Since then, we have been up and down... mostly down. I don't believe anything she says at this point. I feel like I don't even know her anymore. Her stories do not make sense, trickle truth, lies, betrayal.
> 
> I have kind of resigned myself to knowing that they slept together. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
> 
> I don't trust her at all anymore, and her words and actions don't help either. I have a feeling she is still on him, but I can't prove anything.
> 
> I guess my next step is to start with the VARs. I think I am finally stepping out of codependency, because I am done with her threats of divorce. I just don't care anymore.
> 
> Any thoughts, advice, support is more than welcome. Thanks for reading my venting.



She is lying through her teeth, you have enough evidence of inappropriate behaviour with the long phones calls and trips regardless.
Her gaslighting and telling you she never was attracted to you etc, all typical BS from cheater. You now have to tell her based on what you know so far you dont know whether you want a divorce or not, you would rather be with a woman who wants to be with you and not lie to you

1. Do the 180 hard on her
2. Go see a lawyer and see what your options are.
3. Meanwhile collect evidence, don't confront her without it, Var her car, check the phone bills, keep copies of everything.
4. Insist on a lie detector test for now with her, see her squirm
5. Tell all your family and friends you have evidence she cheated and most likely will be filing divorce
6. Get STD tested
7. Contact OM's wife (if he has one and expose him and her asap)
8. Do not tell your wife about anything you are doing, act as if you don't give a ****, she will want to know.
9. Go out with your friends all the time, go to the gym, act as if you are ready to lose her and are moving on with your life
10. Get IC for yourself.


----------



## lemon_fresh

TaDor said:


> Did you go through the settings? The SONY doesn't light up. And you turned OFF the BEEPing? ie: so it doesn't beep when buttons are pressed or possible beeping when the batteries are low.
> Did you set it to VAR/VOR mode ON? IE: If she leaves for work and comes back home in 10~12 hours. You don't have 9 hours of silence/ random outdoor noises. The VAR will record VOICES and noise - so it will record maybe 1-2 hours.
> 
> - She is screwing you over. More ways than one. She is screwing over your kids...
> - Doesn't seem like an amicable divorce. Depends on your state, who is paying child-support, where the kids are gonna live, what legal protections you have, etc.


Yes. Set it up fine. My car even has a little shelf hidden up in it, so I didn't need to use zip ties...just some velcro. 

As for the divorce, it has been a long time coming, and she has said for awhile that she is gone once the kids are out of the house...so it should be amicable enough, sorry of. The original plan was that the girls would choose where they want to go weekly, and neither of us would pay child support. With my job, though, it changed to they will stay with me when I am in town, and her when I am gone. We will see if that agreement sticks, though.


----------



## lemon_fresh

aine said:


> She is lying through her teeth, you have enough evidence of inappropriate behaviour with the long phones calls and trips regardless.
> Her gaslighting and telling you she never was attracted to you etc, all typical BS from cheater. You now have to tell her based on what you know so far you dont know whether you want a divorce or not, you would rather be with a woman who wants to be with you and not lie to you
> 
> 1. Do the 180 hard on her
> 2. Go see a lawyer and see what your options are.
> 3. Meanwhile collect evidence, don't confront her without it, Var her car, check the phone bills, keep copies of everything.
> 4. Insist on a lie detector test for now with her, see her squirm
> 5. Tell all your family and friends you have evidence she cheated and most likely will be filing divorce
> 6. Get STD tested
> 7. Contact OM's wife (if he has one and expose him and her asap)
> 8. Do not tell your wife about anything you are doing, act as if you don't give a ****, she will want to know.
> 9. Go out with your friends all the time, go to the gym, act as if you are ready to lose her and are moving on with your life
> 10. Get IC for yourself.


That is what I planned to do, minus the polygraph. 

What has tripped me up over the last few weeks is as soon as I start going my own way, she starts in with the lovey-dovey language and wanting to be around me (I guess that is called hoovering) , etc. So (because I do actually love her), Istart to give in, but then she does her own 180 and gets me agitated again.

I am done with that game now. My boundaries are set, and I got a plan in place.


----------



## lemon_fresh

Well

The good news is the VAR worked. 

I guess we all know the bad news. 

This really really really hurts


----------



## Affaircare

I'm so sorry you heard what no one should ever have to hear. 

However, now you have peace of mind that this is not you "being crazy" and that it is right and reasonable for you to move forward. You have proven it to yourself, and that alone is a major step. 

Maybe just breathe for a while.


----------



## lemon_fresh

Affaircare said:


> I'm so sorry you heard what no one should ever have to hear.
> 
> However, now you have peace of mind that this is not you "being crazy" and that it is right and reasonable for you to move forward. You have proven it to yourself, and that alone is a major step.
> 
> Maybe just breathe for a while.


This hurts so much, but I am out of tears to cry after all the trickle truth. 

I am just in a daze right now.


----------



## Affaircare

I hear ya. When you first receive such deeply painful news, grateful we kind of go into shock. You'll likely feel a little bit like the walking dead for a day or two (or ten). I still have to remind myself to eat and to sleep. 

At least now you have the real truth, and you can choose what life you want based on REALITY instead of those darn flim-flam lies.


----------



## jlg07

lemon_fresh said:


> This hurts so much, but I am out of tears to cry after all the trickle truth.
> 
> I am just in a daze right now.


At least now you have definitive proof so there is no chance she can re-write your history, defend herself to her/your family, and eventually, your kids will know the truth.
VERY sorry you are going through this.


----------



## Dyokemm

Now you have the absolute proof you said you needed.....

Expose the A to POSOM's BW, both your families, close friends, your kids (in age appropriate ways), and to OM's work with the info that POSOM initially stole her number off of a work phone (this is highly illegal in a school setting....at least in the district I teach in....getting another employees number surepticiously without asking is a fireable offense here in CA).

Then file and do a HARD 180.


----------



## lemon_fresh

Dyokemm said:


> Now you have the absolute proof you said you needed.....
> 
> Expose the A to POSOM's BW, both your families, close friends, your kids (in age appropriate ways), and to OM's work with the info that POSOM initially stole her number off of a work phone (this is highly illegal in a school setting....at least in the district I teach in....getting another employees number surepticiously without asking is a fireable offense here in CA).
> 
> Then file and do a HARD 180.


Yes indeed. 

Man the rabbit hole goes deep.

I confronted her with the evidence (didn't tell her about the VAR), a 30 minute conversation filled with talking **** about me, and a whole bunch of lovey doveys. 

I did do it quite wrong, as I did rage out and started throwing her stuff in bags and out the door. Somehow it got turned around to me leaving, which I was whatever about. Until my youngest (11 started bawling), and I told her that I don't want to leave, then went inside and told her to call the OM so they both can see what they did/are doing to the family. She cracked and gave me all her passwords. She gave me her excuses, none of which were logical, but I faltered because my kids. 

She went to school, and I explained to the kids what my suspicions were and why, and also told then of my many mistakes in the marriage as well. Talked for about two hours. Afterwards, I found more on the VAR, and called her on the phone. She said she was shaking and getting a migraine, and was scared to come home because if what I might do (never have I laid a hand on her?). She got home, and I brought up more of what I heard, and received more bovine excrement that wouldn't fool a child (mishearing things, and they were talking about our sex life... woman, there hasn't been a sex life in almost a year. SMH). 

I had her call him and tell him it was over, on speaker phone. She said 'I can't talk to you or see...Cant talk to you anymore." Nice slip there. I chimed in with my two cents, and he said that they were just talking. LOL

We went to drop off oldest at band camp, and on the way back I mentioned the slip. She started saying stuff like she can't go on and wants to die, also complaining about a migraine.

Got home, she went to take a shower, and I continued listening. Found more stuff. Went upstairs just as she was coming out of the shower, and I confronted her again. She yelled she was tired of all this and are we going to move on or what. I said not until I get answers, to which she said "deny deny deny is what I learned from you" and I said okay and started to to walk away. She then dropped the towel and screamed that that was all I wanted, so do what I want. Leave her. Strangle her. Kill her. Rape her. Do whatever I want. I just stared and smirked. Walked away, and kept to myself. She then comes outside and asks if I want to watch a movie. LOL WTF? 

Time to go pick up oldest from camp, got home, and decided to use my new found privileges to go through her phone. Soooo many pictures and videos, which I confronted again, to which her answer was that they were for her (videos were of her in lingerie seductively pulling out her breasts) to see if she was sexy. Again LOL WTF. I got about halfway through before she grabbed the iPhone and smashed it on the floor repeatedly. It is broken now. Heh. 

So yeah, I made mistakes by going back for more, hoping for at least a modicum of truth. No dice, but did get amusing excuses. 


So lawyer is next step. It hurts. That is not the woman I married, and her trying to always blame it on me is ridiculous. I realize her ranting naked was a dangerous position for me to be in, but I didn't touch her and the kids were in the next room as well. 

LOL. Poor her. I am making her stress and she might fail college. Not my frigging problem, lady. You did this.


----------



## lemon_fresh

But I am still dumbstruck by it all. Flabbergasted. Ugh


----------



## ltsandwich

lemon_fresh said:


> But I am still dumbstruck by it all. Flabbergasted. Ugh


She's trash, mate. She's the tell-tale sign of a serial cheater that will always blame you for her idiotic choices. You're going the good route with leaving her. Never stay for the kids. I know, I watched my father put up with my miserable mother's infidelity for YEARS and scarred me for life in regards to relationships and dealing with women.

You seem like a good guy. Take care of yourself.


----------



## Satya

I hope you saved all that evidence off-site and securely.

Now shut up and go dark. It seems like this could turn ugly from her with the authorities at any time. You really can't afford to have this turn on you. 

Get a lawyer.


----------



## GusPolinski

FWIW, she might have phone backups in iCloud; if so, you should be able to pull them down using an app like Wondershare Dr. Fone. You'll need the username (email address) and password for her iCloud account to check, and if she has two-factor authentication enabled for her account (and no other device but her iPhone on the account), you might be boned.

Like @Satya said, back up your VAR evidence offsite. Keep it in a couple different Cloud-based locations. Copy, don't sync. And be ready to use the VAR at a second's notice in order to record conversations to protect yourself against any false allegations of abuse.

Also, HOLY **** man. Don't let **** escalate like this in front of your kids. Get away for a few days, take some time apart -- whatever you have to do. Going forward, though, do a better job of staying calm and owning the room.


----------



## Anthony Wellers

I've only read your first post so far. I'll have to follow the rest later when I've got more time.

Your situation makes mine look like a picnic....and your wife orders of magnitude worse. Regarding the use of VARs, listen to @TaDor, he knows what he's talking about when it comes to this kind of thing. If you do use them (for evidence gathering for the divorce, for your own sanity and needing to know, whatever), under no circumstances give her even the slightest inkling that you have been using them, including revealing knowledge that could only be obtained through their use.

Good luck!


----------



## MJJEAN

While you're sorting out how you're going to go forward please don't forget about the other betrayed spouse. You now know and are able to make decisions based on the truth. His wife is still in the dark making decisions every day without full knowledge. She deserves to know the truth, too.


----------



## lemon_fresh

MJJEAN said:


> While you're sorting out how you're going to go forward please don't forget about the other betrayed spouse. You now know and are able to make decisions based on the truth. His wife is still in the dark making decisions every day without full knowledge. She deserves to know the truth, too.


I wish I could. I do not even know her name or where exactly they live.


----------



## manfromlamancha

There is much more to this than what you have got on her phone. The question is "do you want to know"? Is there anything there that confirms they have been physical ?


----------



## lemon_fresh

manfromlamancha said:


> There is much more to this than what you have got on her phone. The question is "do you want to know"? Is there anything there that confirms they have been physical ?


I know. 

She is full of crap and has been for years, as far as I am concerned. 

I don't think I want to know unless she straight up tells me. 

My only evidence of physicality is the VAR. 

He wanted to meet up. She said no, because she didn't want to leave the kids home alone. He said something, and she said something to the effect of "I don't want to do anything with you, except kiss you of course."

But she swears up and down that they haven't met up at all. LOL

That is what broke me. And it just got worse as the day progressed.


----------



## manfromlamancha

What do you mean "got worse"?


----------



## GusPolinski

lemon_fresh said:


> I wish I could. I do not even know her name or where exactly they live.


*cough* county tax records!


----------



## lemon_fresh

GusPolinski said:


> *cough* county tax records!


Just walk in and ask for tax records that are under his name? And they are cool with this?


----------



## GusPolinski

lemon_fresh said:


> Just walk in and ask for tax records that are under his name? And they are cool with this?


They're online.

Google "<county name> county Texas cad"


----------



## lemon_fresh

GusPolinski said:


> They're online.
> 
> Google "<county name> county Texas cad"


No results when I looked for his name. I think he rents an apartment.


----------



## GusPolinski

lemon_fresh said:


> No results when I looked for his name. I think he rents an apartment.


Yeah, no luck there.

You might have some luck using his cell number on sites like Spokeo or Intelius, but they don't always return solid results. Think it costs something like 10-20 dollars per search. Might be worth it to you.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

Your lying, cheating wife knows where he lives.

Or is she actually trying to pretend she doesn't?


----------



## lemon_fresh

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Your lying, cheating wife knows where he lives.
> 
> Or is she actually trying to pretend she doesn't?


Pretending she doesn't. Obviously. None of her arguments contain any logic, and the latest happening makes me think she is not the brightest bulb either. 


She forgot she gave me all of her passwords, and contacted him on Yahoo Messenger. Genius. 

I have set an appointment with a lawyer for tomorrow. 

Funny, I pay literally all the bills. She has placed herself in an untenable position. 

Like I said, not the brightest bulb


----------



## GusPolinski

lemon_fresh said:


> Pretending she doesn't. Obviously. None of her arguments contain any logic, and the latest happening makes me think she is not the brightest bulb either.
> 
> 
> She forgot she gave me all of her passwords, and contacted him on Yahoo Messenger. Genius.
> 
> I have set an appointment with a lawyer for tomorrow.
> 
> Funny, I pay literally all the bills. She has placed herself in an untenable position.
> 
> Like I said, not the brightest bulb


Might be time for some GPS.


----------



## farsidejunky

What was that gist of the messenger contact with the AP?


----------



## lemon_fresh

GusPolinski said:


> Might be time for some GPS.


I don't think so, man. I am done. Not wasting energy on this "trophy wife"


----------



## lemon_fresh

farsidejunky said:


> What was that gist of the messenger contact with the AP?


Here ya go. 

This is less than 24 hours after she told him no contact, and 12 hours after I had our conversation.


----------



## farsidejunky

Time to move along.


----------



## GusPolinski

lemon_fresh said:


> I don't think so, man. I am done. Not wasting energy on this "trophy wife"


I don't mean to track her, per se, but rather to find out more about this guy so that you can alert his own BW to what's up.


----------



## eric1

You really really need to focus yourself on exposing to the betrayed wife. I promise you that her name is somewhere in the first few pages of google if you just figure out the right search terms.


----------



## Wazza

You are where you are. And you have more than enough evidence of where things stand with your wife. There is at this stage no sign of remorse on her part, and no reason for you to believe a word she says. Accept it. I know it hurts, but accept the truth and plan accordingly.

For me, her expecting you to pay for a phone so she can talk to the other guy would set my mind at rest about the whole question of money. She is not playing straight with you, still, and it's clear that she is not going to give up the other guy. I would not fund that. 

I would suggest your focus now be you and the kids. I would get legal advice to make sure you protect yourself in the divorce that I expect is coming. 

You are going to get suggestions here on ways to hurt her, and I can certainly understand wanting to do that. Just remember that she is the mother of your children. This is going to hurt them, and it may be that you let things with her go for their sake. You are going to feel a lot of sorrow and possibly the most anger you have ever felt in your life. You need to find some way to vent all of that. Exercise, long walks, whatever works for you. 

Good luck. Be strong and head for the future. Don't waste time refusing to accept what has happened.


----------



## dubsey

lemon_fresh said:


> Here ya go.
> 
> This is less than 24 hours after she told him no contact, and 12 hours after I had our conversation.


Do not, under any circumstances, reveal you have access to this method of communication.


----------



## Tobyboy

You have his phone number. 
Try namefromphone.com


----------



## BetrayedDad

lemon_fresh said:


> I have kind of resigned myself to knowing that they slept together.


As you should and if they haven't yet, they will. It's over boyo.



lemon_fresh said:


> Any thoughts, advice, support is more than welcome.


You say you on the road that probably leads to you being alone? False.

You won't be alone. You'll have your self respect to keep you company.

That's a far better companion than a cheating wife. Take my word for it.


----------



## oldshirt

dubsey said:


> Do not, under any circumstances, reveal you have access to this method of communication.


This ^^^^^

Do not reveal any of your sources of information or inform her of any of your plans. Go completely radio silent with her unless it is about who is picking up kids.

Only discuss things with your attorney.

And for God's sake do not let her find out you are on this forum.


----------



## oldshirt

And if she asks you for a new phone, just laugh, shake your head in disbelief and walk away.


----------



## BetrayedDad

oldshirt said:


> And if she asks you for a new phone, just laugh, shake your head in disbelief and walk away.


This cheat doesn't have $20 in her pocket to buy a burner phone? It's only a matter of time until she gets a clue.

The better strategy would be to buy her a phone and bug the **** out of it before you hand it to her. 

So every text is cc:'d to you, every call is traceable, you can pull up her location from the gps anytime, etc.

Then when you get what you need, factory reset it remotely. Divorce is a chess game, the losers are playing checkers.


----------



## oldshirt

BetrayedDad said:


> This cheat doesn't have $20 in her pocket to buy a burner phone? It's only a matter of time until she gets a clue.
> 
> The better strategy would be to buy her a phone and bug the **** out of it before you hand it to her.
> 
> So every text is cc:'d to you, every call is traceable, you can pull up her location from the gps anytime, etc.
> 
> Then when you get what you need, factory reset it remotely. Divorce is a chess game, the losers are playing checkers.


I like the way you think!!! 

But he already knows she's hooking up with another guy and she's told him to his face she doesn't love him and is not attracted to him and they have not had any "relations" since February.

What useful information is this 007 phone going give him? That she is cheating? He already knows that. 

Yes he can bug her new phone and play James Bond. But IMHO I think that would just distract him and burn up time and energy from taking care of his own business .



(...... It would be sweet though. I'll give you that ;-) )


----------



## lemon_fresh

oldshirt said:


> And if she asks you for a new phone, just laugh, shake your head in disbelief and walk away.


I suspended her account and took her off as manager. 

Not my problem. When I can get a replacement, it will go to my daughter


----------



## lemon_fresh

BetrayedDad said:


> This cheat doesn't have $20 in her pocket to buy a burner phone? It's only a matter of time until she gets a clue.
> 
> The better strategy would be to buy her a phone and bug the **** out of it before you hand it to her.
> 
> So every text is cc:'d to you, every call is traceable, you can pull up her location from the gps anytime, etc.
> 
> Then when you get what you need, factory reset it remotely. Divorce is a chess game, the losers are playing checkers.


That was the original plan until this morning. And then she blatantly went full retard

So


----------



## BetrayedDad

oldshirt said:


> I like the way you think!!!
> 
> But he already knows she's hooking up with another guy and she's told him to his face she doesn't love him and is not attracted to him and they have not had any "relations" since February.
> 
> What useful information is this 007 phone going give him? That she is cheating? He already knows that.
> 
> Yes he can bug her new phone and play James Bond. But IMHO I think that would just distract him and burn up time and energy from taking care of his own business .
> 
> 
> 
> (...... It would be sweet though. I'll give you that ;-) )



Well that I agree with too. He has all the info he needs to file for divorce. I personally would just move on but some people need the smoking gun.


----------



## oldshirt

lemon_fresh said:


> Not my problem.


Perfectly stated.

This needs to become your new mantra on anything having to do with her.

Your business is your relationship with your children and getting your fair share of the assets.

Anything else pertaining to you is no longer your problem.

She brought this on by her own hand.

You are free from her issues.


----------



## lemon_fresh

oldshirt said:


> Perfectly stated.
> 
> This needs to become your new mantra on anything having to do with her.
> 
> Your business is your relationship with your children and getting your fair share of the assets.
> 
> Anything else pertaining to you is no longer your problem.
> 
> She brought this on by her own hand.
> 
> You are free from her issues.


Yeah, she tried calling me as soon as I drove away. I ignored it. She then texts me that something is wrong with the water heater. 

My response was as follows

"I will pay half the rent until the lease is up. 

I will pay half the light as well. 

Your phone has been disconnected. I will continue to pay *oldest daughter's* until her or you decide to take it over"

Her oldest (not mine biologically) just moved out in July, and I told her oldest that I would keep paying until she is ready to take it over, and I will stick to that.


----------



## ltsandwich

lemon_fresh said:


> Yeah, she tried calling me as soon as I drove away. I ignored it. She then texts me that something is wrong with the water heater.
> 
> My response was as follows
> 
> "I will pay half the rent until the lease is up.
> 
> I will pay half the light as well.
> 
> Your phone has been disconnected. I will continue to pay *oldest daughter's* until her or you decide to take it over"
> 
> Her oldest (not mine biologically) just moved out in July, and I told her oldest that I would keep paying until she is ready to take it over, and I will stick to that.


You're handling this this like a champ. Not overbearing/bitter, but not giving into her BS. Wish I had your mental fortitude back when my girl cheated/left me. Kudos.


----------



## lemon_fresh

ltsandwich said:


> You're handling this this like a champ. Not overbearing/bitter, but not giving into her BS. Wish I had your mental fortitude back when my girl cheated/left me. Kudos.


It is hard. Last night I didn't think I was going to make it mentally. We slept (literally) together and she snuggled me. 

Then she burnt it to the ground. That steeled my resolve like a mofo


----------



## ltsandwich

lemon_fresh said:


> It is hard. Last night I didn't think I was going to make it mentally. We slept (literally) together and she snuggled me.
> 
> Then she burnt it to the ground. That steeled my resolve like a mofo


Hell yeah, man. I get that. I didn't get that far until she tried to make me into her emotional tampon while seeing another guy when I thought we were working things out. I'm a little ashamed at how much of a pushover I was back then. Paying for her groceries and taking her to work because I was worried she couldn't do much without me.

Seems like you tried your best, but slammed that door on her ass when she couldn't even follow through with something so basic as "Don't talk to the guy."

Sorry you have to go through it all, man. You seem like a stand up guy and don't deserve her idiocy/mooching mentality.


----------



## lemon_fresh

Picked up my girls from school. Broke the news to them. We cried. This hurt has now replaced my betrayal hurt. Or maybe added on. I don't know. 

Ugh

I just dropped them off right now. I tried to be strong. Was good until my youngest daughter bopped my nose (I would bop her nose to get her out of her bad moods) and both of us broke down. 

I drove away, and started screaming every name at my wife about a block down the road. 

Selfish family wreckers.


----------



## Affaircare

May I make a recommendation, @lemon_fresh?

You really are handling this like a champ--so many loyal spouses just try to "nice them back" and I speak as someone who was former disloyal. Nicing an adulterer bakck will not work! Here's my thought: you becoming bitter and spiteful also will not work...FOR YOU. I do understand you are destroyed. I even understand some portion of you wants revenge--I think that's healthy because at least that shows some self-worth! But if you turn into a hateful, spiteful person, I think really the only person you harm is yourself. 

So... allow her to experience the consequences of her choices. I guarantee you she is going to scream and holler and pull every trick in the book to get you back to where you were. But "where you were" was second choice and under her thumb! She did have a choice to honor the promise she made, and she chose to not honor it! Simple as that. Okay-if she picks loverboy then that means she no longer gets the benefits of you: "free" babysitting, bills taken care of, comfy marital home, etc. And it is just good old self-worth that says: "Everything is a choice, and for every choice there is a cost and there is a benefit. If you want the benefit, you also have to pay the cost. The cost of being with me and getting the benefits of me is that I do expect you to honor your commitment TO ME and forsake all others. If you aren't willing to pay that cost, then you forfeit the benefit." 

From a practical point of view, you may want to book a doctor's appointment for an STD check. If they did sleep together and then you two were together, that puts you at risk so better safe than sorry. Also you may want to look into opening a personal bank account to which she does not have access and moving any paychecks to the new account, canceling joint credit cards, etc. just so she doesn't try to steal money or run up the credit cards. Here's where the "spiteful" part might come in: you two were married, so whatever is in the bank account is considered half hers. So take as precisely as you can HALF of the balance, open the new, personal account with that half, and let her figure out where and how she'll live. She's a grown woman. If she's adult enough to have an affair, she's adult enough to provide for her own self!


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Stay strong. Don't share with her what you have and how you got it. She may try and start a new life with the homewrecker and kids will be calling them Dad. The more intel you have now that she does not know about the better you will be done the road should that be the case and the marriage history re-write starts and she presents him as her true long lost love. Don't tip your hand, keep a steely resolve no matter how much it hurts. Sorry you are going through this.


----------



## lemon_fresh

Affaircare said:


> May I make a recommendation, @lemon_fresh?
> 
> You really are handling this like a champ--so many loyal spouses just try to "nice them back" and I speak as someone who was former disloyal. Nicing an adulterer bakck will not work! Here's my thought: you becoming bitter and spiteful also will not work...FOR YOU. I do understand you are destroyed. I even understand some portion of you wants revenge--I think that's healthy because at least that shows some self-worth! But if you turn into a hateful, spiteful person, I think really the only person you harm is yourself.
> 
> So... allow her to experience the consequences of her choices. I guarantee you she is going to scream and holler and pull every trick in the book to get you back to where you were. But "where you were" was second choice and under her thumb! She did have a choice to honor the promise she made, and she chose to not honor it! Simple as that. Okay-if she picks loverboy then that means she no longer gets the benefits of you: "free" babysitting, bills taken care of, comfy marital home, etc. And it is just good old self-worth that says: "Everything is a choice, and for every choice there is a cost and there is a benefit. If you want the benefit, you also have to pay the cost. The cost of being with me and getting the benefits of me is that I do expect you to honor your commitment TO ME and forsake all others. If you aren't willing to pay that cost, then you forfeit the benefit."
> 
> From a practical point of view, you may want to book a doctor's appointment for an STD check. If they did sleep together and then you two were together, that puts you at risk so better safe than sorry. Also you may want to look into opening a personal bank account to which she does not have access and moving any paychecks to the new account, canceling joint credit cards, etc. just so she doesn't try to steal money or run up the credit cards. Here's where the "spiteful" part might come in: you two were married, so whatever is in the bank account is considered half hers. So take as precisely as you can HALF of the balance, open the new, personal account with that half, and let her figure out where and how she'll live. She's a grown woman. If she's adult enough to have an affair, she's adult enough to provide for her own self!


Thanks. I am not spiteful. The girls wanted to be when I broke the news, but I told them she is still their mother. They can voice their opinions and be mad and sad. As much as I would like them to raise hell, I told them not to.


We have had our own bank accounts for years, so no worries there. Canceled all her credit cards under my name too. Almost forgot to change the Amazon password, but got that done. 

Trying to delete all traces of her on my phone.


----------



## lemon_fresh

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Stay strong. Don't share with her what you have and how you got it. She may try and start a new life with the homewrecker and kids will be calling them Dad. The more intel you have now that she does not know about the better you will be done the road should that be the case and the marriage history re-write starts and she presents him as her true long lost love. Don't tip your hand, keep a steely resolve no matter how much it hurts. Sorry you are going through this.


I am keeping my evidence indefinitely. In the process of removing all traces of her from my phone.


----------



## lemon_fresh

Well no contact is pretty difficult times. I know this is only my first day. I hope it gets better. I am awfully lonely and miss the sound of my girls doing their thing.

I also wish I had concrete answers instead of illogical blathering. Feels like no closure, I guess. 

Last, I wish I could tell her what I feel about what she did to my girls and to me, and not be nice about it, and see some actual remorse. 

Hell, at times I want to log into her accounts to see what she is doing, but that will only make the pain worse and last longer. 


I know it is all just wishes. I must persevere. This is really tough, guys and gals. Really tough.


----------



## Affaircare

@lemon_fresh, 

Did you move out? Or are you staying at like a long-term hotel or on a buddy's couch or something? You sound like you are not at home and she is at home with the girls. Is that right or am I misunderstanding?


----------



## Satya

Do not leave your home!!!


----------



## Anthony Wellers

lemon_fresh said:


> I drove away, and started screaming every name at my wife about a block down the road.


Sometimes you just gotta get it out.

You thought of trying Primal Scream (and no, I'm not talking about the metal band).


----------



## Anthony Wellers

Affaircare said:


> May I make a recommendation, @lemon_fresh?
> 
> From a practical point of view, you may want to book a doctor's appointment for an STD check. If they did sleep together and then you two were together, that puts you at risk so better safe than sorry.


Absolutely. If not for yourself then for your future other half (who I hope turns out to be a damn-sight better than the one you're scraping off your shoe right now).

Forget the snooping now - it's done its job and told you all you need to know. Like the others say, stay strong and move on.

Best of luck.


----------



## arbitrator

*Nothing to stay in this sham of a marriage for!

There is deception. There is lying. There is abhorant behavior, both to you and your kids. There is sex with other men.

What are the upsides of any of this?

Damn the continuous investigation! It's time to protect your kids now! You already have enough info on her to file for divorce ~ do it, for God's sake! Get with a good family attorney ASAP!*


----------



## lemon_fresh

Affaircare said:


> @lemon_fresh,
> 
> Did you move out? Or are you staying at like a long-term hotel or on a buddy's couch or something? You sound like you are not at home and she is at home with the girls. Is that right or am I misunderstanding?


Yes. I moved out. Staying with my parents. I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't stand to even look at her anymore. 

It was agonizing. As are the mental movies that won't go away.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

lemon_fresh said:


> Yes. I moved out. Staying with my parents. I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't stand to even look at her anymore.
> 
> It was agonizing. As are the mental movies that won't go away.


Move back in, pack her a bag and drive her to her boyfriend's house. Why should you move? She cheated. Tell her to leave.

It is a bad idea to move out of the marital home. She can make something up and file a order of protection against you. Then drop the kids off at a sitter and invite her boyfriend over. You think you know her but cheaters,... ugh. Don't put anything past them. Protect yourself. Move back home before she uses the courts to make it look like you are abandoning the home.


----------



## TaDor

lemon_fresh

Your world has totally gone to crap. WE know the feeling, the hurt, the confusion, the pain, etc.

But try to listen to those before you. You are at WAR.
1 - Move your butt back into YOUR HOME. 
2 - she can sleep on the couch, garage or spare room or attic.
3 - She is always lying to you now.
4 - Keep VAR on you whenever you are having to deal with her. Sorry, but you got years of having to interact with her. - She may likely accuse YOU of hitting her.
5 - SHUT UP around her. Whatever more is on the VAR today or tomorrow - SHUT UP. She may figure out you recorded her somehow. You needed at least 24hours to digest what ever you heard to deal with it and to cover your tracks. Only good thing is that she may become PARANOID of your recording her. 
6 - Take no prisoners.
7 - You have POSOM's phone number... as stated, you can report him for calling your wife.
8 - He is around your KIDS... ewww.
9 - Hire a PI to track down where he lives and his wife. When you had access to her account (and if you still do) - all you need to do is get to HIS FB page to see who is wife is. She may have her own phone number. Even still, if you get his address - you can find HER name... and either send her a letter (who reads mail these days) or knock on her door.
10 - Move back INTO YOUR HOME.

What is it with men who leave the family home when the wife cheats? Throw her out. You owe her nothing.


----------



## GusPolinski

lemon_fresh said:


> Yes. I moved out. Staying with my parents. I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't stand to even look at her anymore.
> 
> It was agonizing. As are the mental movies that won't go away.


Fine to move out as long as you're renting (if it were a home I'd advise you to move back in and move her to the guest room), IMO, except that you're not there with your kids.

As far as the phone goes, buy her a simple flip phone on a month-to-month plan, pay for a month's service, and give it to her. Assuming, of course, that OM hasn't already bought her a phone.


----------



## lemon_fresh

Can anyone tell me what app or site this is?


----------



## GusPolinski

lemon_fresh said:


> Can anyone tell me what app or site this is?


Not me.

I'd love to know how you came about that screenshot, though.


----------



## lemon_fresh

GusPolinski said:


> Not me.
> 
> I'd love to know how you came about that screenshot, though.


It was in my Google Drive. Hers backs up to mine. LOL

Just torturing myself some more.


----------



## GusPolinski

lemon_fresh said:


> It was in my Google Drive. Hers backs up to mine. LOL
> 
> Just torturing myself some more.


So she took that screenshot herself?

Nice. I love it.

:smthumbup: :lol: :rofl:


----------



## lemon_fresh

GusPolinski said:


> So she took that screenshot herself?
> 
> Nice. I love it.
> 
> :smthumbup:  :rofl:


Found the source. 

It is KIK


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

lemon_fresh said:


> Found the source.
> 
> It is KIK


KIK, are we teenagers, sigh...

KIK seems to be among the cheater's choice..


----------



## lemon_fresh

Also, I didn't realize she had her account on my phone as well, but she changed the password just now (saw me snooping, I guess). 

So I lost the full pic

But it said "Sorry I just get so mad because I am jealous because I love you so much"

From one year ago. 

Everything makes sense now. I don't know why I am in the bargaining/denial phase.

My heart needs to catch up with my brain.


----------



## GusPolinski

lemon_fresh said:


> Also, I didn't realize she had her account on my phone as well, but she changed the password just now (saw me snooping, I guess).
> 
> So I lost the full pic
> 
> But it said "Sorry I just get so mad because I am jealous because I love you so much"
> 
> From one year ago.
> 
> Everything makes sense now. I don't know why I am in the bargaining/denial phase.
> 
> My heart needs to catch up with my brain.


Wait... she said that to you or OM (or someone else?) _a year ago_?


----------



## lemon_fresh

GusPolinski said:


> Wait... she said that to you or OM (or someone else?) _a year ago_?


OM, I assume. 

I have never used KIK


Yes a year ago. They have been talking since at least 2015, that I know of.


----------



## GusPolinski

Well, there you go.

Shouldn't take very long for your heart to catch up now.


----------



## lemon_fresh

GusPolinski said:


> Well, there you go.
> 
> Shouldn't take very long for your heart to catch up now.


During the day I am fine. It is nights and mornings that are difficult.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

See a doc, tell them what is going on. They will give you a little something to take a edge off. Seriously consider counseling too. 

Hit the gym, take your anger out on the weights.


----------



## SunCMars

lemon_fresh said:


> OM, I assume.
> 
> I have never used KIK
> 
> 
> Yes a year ago. They have been talking since at least 2015, that I know of.


Ah!....The so mad part, attitude.

Carried over from her marriage to her affair.

This Wayward, your Wife, cannot be held, can only be belled.

Belled with a semi-soft rod and then abandoned while she doth shake and belly-ache.

The same women to thee, the same women to 'any' man.

Her flesh bucket cannot water hold. She loses every drop sold.

Alone she was with thee. Alone, she will remain. Methinks !!


----------



## lemon_fresh

Huh

Seems I did save that screenshot.

More ammo for the lawyer, I guess.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Ugg sorry lemon. That is horrible to read. 
Take things one day at a time. Do see a dr for temporary anti-anxiety meds if you need. There's no shame in it. 
Do some things just for you. Treat yourself a little. Go see a movie you wanted to check out, buy yourself something you've wanted a while.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Do you have teens in the house? Seriously, that looks like stuff my children would write to a crush and it would gross me out from them too.


----------



## ltsandwich

lemon_fresh said:


> Huh
> 
> Seems I did save that screenshot.
> 
> More ammo for the lawyer, I guess.
> 
> 
> 
> Dude, that's so gross to hear from a grown woman on via ANYTHING.
> 
> Sorry man. Hope this helps you move on faster past this idiotic woman.


----------



## lemon_fresh

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Do you have teens in the house? Seriously, that looks like stuff my children would write to a crush and it would gross me out from them too.


It very well could be. I will ask the kids when I see them.


----------



## lemon_fresh

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Do you have teens in the house? Seriously, that looks like stuff my children would write to a crush and it would gross me out from them too.


Showed it to my daughters. They used kick, but that was not their message. My oldest said the dots on top were my wife's username. 

Gosh. Well, as if I needed anymore to seal the deal. 

And yes, that way of talking is embarrassing. Like I said, I don't feel like I know her anymore.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Good you asked, she sounds like a teenager. I'm sure her kids are as creeped out about it. She's talking like she's 12. 


I'm gonna look at my Kik but if the .... are her username then that pic is from who she sent it to. 

Who you are talking to gets put in the top and the messages you get are on the left. 

So her bf is sending her those pics


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

lemon_fresh said:


> Showed it to my daughters. They used kick, but that was not their message. My oldest said the dots on top were my wife's username.
> 
> Gosh. Well, as if I needed anymore to seal the deal.
> 
> And yes, that way of talking is embarrassing. Like I said, I don't feel like I know her anymore.


Goo Goo talk common among lovelorn way-wards. You don't know who the real 'her' is. She hid it from you while cheating. 

Anyway, she is jealous of his partner. Figure out who it is. His partner has a right to know. Blow the affair up.


----------



## lemon_fresh

Good lord she has been text bombing me all day. LOL

I started to argue, then just let her go at it. 

She is trying to take the highroad, but I put the kids against her. I told everyone about what she did (I didn't, all I said is we are getting a divorce). And now I need to buy her a phone because she bought me one when I broke mine (I flung it on month two of this roller coaster) and we spent her money for an anniversary ring on groceries (she did that, after giving me the women's treatment, saying she didn't want a ring and then it was all downhill from there). 

Goodness. She also said she didn't want a divorce, just a separation. Yep. I want to be a chump ****. 

Let the rage Olympics begin.


----------



## lemon_fresh

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Good you asked, she sounds like a teenager. I'm sure her kids are as creeped out about it. She's talking like she's 12.
> 
> 
> I'm gonna look at my Kik but if the .... are her username then that pic is from who she sent it to.
> 
> Who you are talking to gets put in the top and the messages you get are on the left.
> 
> So her bf is sending her those pics


Oh. So that is why she had that screenshot. 

Yeah. The kids were pretty WTF about it.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

lemon_fresh said:


> Good lord she has been text bombing me all day. LOL
> 
> I started to argue, then just let her go at it.
> 
> She is trying to take the highroad, but I put the kids against her. I told everyone about what she did (I didn't, all I said is we are getting a divorce). And now I need to buy her a phone because she bought me one when I broke mine (I flung it on month two of this roller coaster) and we spent her money for an anniversary ring on groceries (she did that, after giving me the women's treatment, saying she didn't want a ring and then it was all downhill from there).
> 
> Goodness. She also said she didn't want a divorce, just a separation. Yep. I want to be a chump ****.
> 
> Let the rage Olympics begin.


Move right back home. 180 180 180. Have her served ASAP. At school, at work whereever. Tell the other man's partner.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

lemon_fresh said:


> Oh. So that is why she had that screenshot.
> 
> Yeah. The kids were pretty WTF about it.


So _he_ sent the lovey dovey dribble. Some guys will say anything for poonani. 

Look at the bright side. When this is all over and in the past and you are emotionally recovered SHE might be HIS problem. Or someone else's. But not YOUR problem.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Whoever is the ..... username on the top is who has the messages on the left side.


----------



## lemon_fresh

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Move right back home. 180 180 180. Have her served ASAP. At school, at work where. Tell the other man's partner.


I didn't say anything. Just letting her vomit words that have no effect on me anymore. 

I will find the om's wife sooner or later. 

I need to save for my attorney.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

OM doesn't have a Facebook page?


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

lemon_fresh said:


> I didn't say anything. Just letting her vomit words that have no effect on me anymore.
> 
> I will find the om's wife sooner or later.
> 
> I need to save for my attorney.


Wise choices!


----------



## lemon_fresh

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> So _he_ sent the lovey dovey dribble. Some guys will say anything for poonani.
> 
> Look at the bright side. When this is all over and in the past and you are emotionally recovered SHE might be HIS problem. Or someone else's. But not YOUR problem.


Wait, so she got mad at him and he groveled, and she liked it and saved it


LOL

She really is Borderline Personality


----------



## lemon_fresh

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> OM doesn't have a Facebook page?


Not that I have been able to find.


I have two secret FB accounts. One is an old old one from years ago. The other is a fresh one


----------



## lemon_fresh

Well, I was just informed through texts that I have been ignoring, that I keep digging my hole deeper, and I am almost at rock-bottom, and that she is done trying, and there is only a slim chance that I could ever win her back. 

Seriously... 

What the actual hell is wrong with her? LOL


----------



## 3putt

lemon_fresh said:


> Well, I was just informed through texts that I have been ignoring, that I keep digging my hole deeper, and I am almost at rock-bottom, and that she is done trying, and there is only a slim chance that I could ever win her back.
> 
> Seriously...
> 
> What the actual hell is wrong with her? LOL


LOL....the same thing that is wrong with every other WS out there. Resist the temptation to respond.


----------



## Affaircare

@lemon_fresh, 

I will take that bait and kid around with you. 

HER: "I am done trying. There is only a slim chance you could ever win me back."
YOU: "Why would I want the sloppy seconds of another man? I don't WANT to win you back!"

HER: "I am done trying. There is only a slim chance you could ever win me back."
YOU: "Oh? Were you trying? I didn't notice." 

HER: "I am done trying. There is only a slim chance you could ever win me back."
YOU: "No thanks I'd rather have a woman who won't open her legs for flattery."

HER: "I am done trying. There is only a slim chance you could ever win me back."
YOU: "You can try all day, precious, and I STILL wouldn't even even look your direction."

HER: "I am done trying. There is only a slim chance you could ever win me back."
YOU: "**** you mean there's still SOME CHANCE? I have to try to be a jerk even harder!"

HER: "I am done trying. There is only a slim chance you could ever win me back."
YOU: "If I were to win, you sure wouldn't be the prize!"

... see, I could do this all night! Want to join me?


----------



## 3putt

Affaircare said:


> @lemon_fresh,
> 
> I will take that bait and kid around with you.
> 
> HER: "I am done trying. There is only a slim chance you could ever win me back."
> YOU: "Why would I want the sloppy seconds of another man? I don't WANT to win you back!"
> 
> HER: "I am done trying. There is only a slim chance you could ever win me back."
> YOU: "Oh? Were you trying? I didn't notice."
> 
> HER: "I am done trying. There is only a slim chance you could ever win me back."
> YOU: "No thanks I'd rather have a woman who won't open her legs for flattery."
> 
> HER: "I am done trying. There is only a slim chance you could ever win me back."
> YOU: "You can try all day, precious, and I STILL wouldn't even even look your direction."
> 
> HER: "I am done trying. There is only a slim chance you could ever win me back."
> YOU: "**** you mean there's still SOME CHANCE? I have to try to be a jerk even harder!"
> 
> HER: "I am done trying. There is only a slim chance you could ever win me back."
> YOU: "If I were to win, you sure wouldn't be the prize!"
> 
> ... see, I could do this all night! Want to join me?


Priceless!


----------



## honcho

lemon_fresh said:


> Well, I was just informed through texts that I have been ignoring, that I keep digging my hole deeper, and I am almost at rock-bottom, and that she is done trying, and there is only a slim chance that I could ever win her back.
> 
> Seriously...
> 
> What the actual hell is wrong with her? LOL


She's only sending this to bait you into engaging her. Want to wind her up don't reply. Your silence is the best and most effective weapon right now. Any interactions you have with her right now only tells her one thing in her head, your still stuck on her.


----------



## Affaircare

Yeah, I know. It's one of the more amusing parts of infidelity if you can take a step back and be objective rather than being in the thick of it. 

Disloyals invarably are stuck in their fantasy right? And pretty soon things start coming out of their mouth that are so... incredulous, they just can't POSSIBLY believe that! 









I call it Disloyal Dizzy Talk because ya gotta call it something. It's those things they say that just make your jaw drop and wonder "Do you even HEAR yourself?" I have an article about it if you want to look it up: https://affaircare.com/2014/01/16/disloyal-dizzy-talk-whats-that/ 

As long as I've been at this, though, I have to admit that saying, "There's a slim chance you'll be able to win me back" when lemon has photographic and audio proof of her infidelity is pretty ballsy.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

She sounds a little unhinged. With her 7 teen girl messages to her boyfriend (and I can just imagine what jealous thing she's sorry for) 
Plus thinking you're gonna be sad that you can't win her back .... 

She's off in lala land. There's no reasoning with her even if you wanted to. You will be much better off and she will have it all ripped out from under her. By her own doing. The best revenge is to live a happy life, but you'll have some fun along the way watching her fail. We're only human and need a little reinforcement that you're doing the right thing. She's giving it to you.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

lemon_fresh said:


> Well, I was just informed through texts that I have been ignoring, that I keep digging my hole deeper, and I am almost at rock-bottom, and that she is done trying, and there is only a slim chance that I could ever win her back.
> 
> Seriously...
> 
> What the actual hell is wrong with her? LOL


She mentions separation again send her one text. "You have been separated from me since 2015 while intimate with OM. But you did not bother to tell me and I had to dig through your lies to find out. The type of separation you foisted onto me is automatic divorce and you knew that, that's why you lied all these months. Well, we are getting divorced.You are getting your wish. By the way, guaranteed, not a slim chance. I have zero interest in you as my life's partner, you have seen to that. We can do this divorce in a civil manner or it can be nasty, the kids already know, you cannot hurt them any more than you have already. So how we act going forward is your call. Now stop texting me unless it's about the children, there is nothing else we have to discuss.". 

After you serve her change your number, tell the kids not to share with her until the divorce is over. She harasses you after file a retraining order. 

Nothing pisses a wayward off more than losing control.


----------



## lemon_fresh

honcho said:


> She's only sending this to bait you into engaging her. Want to wind her up don't reply. Your silence is the best and most effective weapon right now. Any interactions you have with her right now only tells her one thing in her head, your still stuck on her.


She started going at it since 4PM (she finally stopped at 7PM), because a mutual friend (or "friend" who has since been blocked) supposedly said I was dragging her through the mud and making her look like a who're on FB (though I didn't, but if the shoe fits...). Apparently saying I am getting a divorce and talking to a lawyer is the worst thing imaginable to her reputation. 

I responded three times. Then ignored for 3 hours. Just scrolling through, and I came across that.


----------



## GusPolinski

lemon_fresh said:


> Not that I have been able to find.
> 
> 
> I have two secret FB accounts. *One is an old old one from years ago.* The other is a fresh one


That's... odd.

What's up with that?


----------



## GusPolinski

BTW, it will look better for you in court if you provide her with at least a basic phone that she can use for kid-related emergencies.

Again, make it a basic flip phone on a month-to-month plan with no data. Pay for a month and tell her she's on the hook for anything after that.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

GusPolinski said:


> That's... odd.
> 
> What's up with that?


I have a few, a lot of my friends have secondary accounts for various stalking or fb games. Even my Mother has 3 accounts. 2/3 brothers have a secondary.


----------



## lemon_fresh

GusPolinski said:


> That's... odd.
> 
> What's up with that?


I got it when Facebook first became a thing. I ended up with too many people that I didn't care about (like 6000 friends), and didn't feel like going one by one to remove them. So I started a new one and told only people I actually knew IRL.

A few years ago I found a way to mass delete friends, deleted most of them, and so now I always have a backup to go to. I hadn't actually logged into it since 2014. It has come in handy through this ordeal.

I made the other one when I thought both my accounts were blocked by people when I was investigating.


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## GusPolinski

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I have a few, a lot of my friends have secondary accounts for various stalking or fb games. Even my Mother has 3 accounts. 2/3 brothers have a secondary.


:surprise:


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## lemon_fresh

GusPolinski said:


> BTW, it will look better for you in court if you provide her with at least a basic phone that she can use for kid-related emergencies.
> 
> Again, make it a basic flip phone on a month-to-month plan with no data. Pay for a month and tell her she's on the hook for anything after that.


That and the added benefit of giving her what she asked for while not giving her what she wants.

I like that.


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## GusPolinski

lemon_fresh said:


> That and the added benefit of giving her what she asked for while not giving her what she wants.
> 
> I like that.


Indeed.

If you're anything like most guys, you'd rather pierce your **** with a rusty fishhook than buy a smartphone for your wayward wife.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

GusPolinski said:


> :surprise:


1 is just my usual one 
1 is a fake teenage girl cause I was checking up on my teen niece who had a secret account. I made a teen profile and she and some of her friends friended me 
2 are old fb game accounts (you have to get gifts sent by friends and I didn't want to bug my real friends) 
1 was one I talked to a guy I was dating on. Long story, he was married and somehow convinced me his "ex" was nuts and I should use a fake account to message him in case she saw. 


Moral of the story, check for other fb pages on your WS cause lots of people have extras. 


OP, if your wife has Facebook and you can get on it, look at her activity log and see who she searches. 
She's a jealous woman, no doubt she searched to see if her "boyfriends" partner had an account. Her search history (will all stays in the activity log even if you delete your computer history) could give you a name.


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## Satya

Hey lemon, can you please confirm you don't own your house?

Have you spoken with a lawyer?


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## Anthony Wellers

lemon_fresh said:


> I didn't say anything. Just letting her vomit words that have no effect on me anymore.


Absolutely the right thing to do. Your silence will p**s her off more than any words could. 



> I will find the om's wife sooner or later.


I wouldn't prioritise on this too much. She will find out sooner or later. She has a right to know too, but you don't want to be in the firing line when that little war kicks off.


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## eric1

1. Stop replying to her texts unless they are about the kids
2. How is she texting?
3. Talk to a lawyer asap.
4. You can find his wife. Google with purpose, I help many people and google has never failed me


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## lemon_fresh

eric1 said:


> 1. Stop replying to her texts unless they are about the kids
> 2. How is she texting?
> 3. Talk to a lawyer asap.
> 4. You can find his wife. Google with purpose, I help many people and google has never failed me


1. Yes. I stumbled a bit, but then realized "why am I arguing with this lying self-centered woman?". That snapped me out of it. 

2. She still has a work issued iPhone. It is locked down to only phone calls and texts.

3. Talked to one yesterday. Going to start saving $$.

4. I will keep trying.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Work issued phone should be plenty then. She doesn't need you to buy a new one. She has phone and text for emergencies or children's needs.


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## lemon_fresh

So I guess I am done here. I can't stand to read any other threads, as it triggers the hell out of me. 

I am doing alright. Just gotta keep to no contact. It is still difficult to not wonder about why and what is going through her head? She is some guys side-ho now. I do feel embarrassed a bit for her, but that was her choice to make. 

Thanks for all the help and support. You guys and gals are awesome. 

Time to focus on me and my girlies.


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## lemon_fresh

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Work issued phone should be plenty then. She doesn't need you to buy a new one. She has phone and text for emergencies or children's needs.


Oh, I am NOT buying her another smartphone. If anything, I will get her a cheap flip phone to give her what she wants and antagonize the hell out of her. 

But you are correct.


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## lemon_fresh

Satya said:


> Hey lemon, can you please confirm you don't own your house?
> 
> Have you spoken with a lawyer?


Nope. We rent an apartment. Both our names are on the lease. 

Talked to an attorney yesterday. Now in money saving mode.


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## farsidejunky

Lemon, this is far from over.

I would stick around if I were you.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

lemon_fresh said:


> Oh, I am NOT buying her another smartphone. If anything, I will get her a cheap flip phone to give her what she wants and antagonize the hell out of her.
> 
> But you are correct.



$7.50 
Motorola Tracfone. Good Battery. Free Shipping | eBay

Free shipping


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

farsidejunky said:


> Lemon, this is far from over.
> 
> I would stick around if I were you.


Indeed.


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## lemon_fresh

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> $7.50
> Motorola Tracfone. Good Battery. Free Shipping | eBay
> 
> Free shipping


Nice. LOL


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## lemon_fresh

farsidejunky said:


> Lemon, this is far from over.
> 
> I would stick around if I were you.


I just feel a bit selfish or self-centered on here venting and stuff. Everyone here has gone through the same ****. Mine isn't any more important. 

But I still have issues. 

My only issues now besides mind movies are that I only sleep for a few hours and have bad dreams and I have eaten one taco since Monday. Everything else, I throw up.

I keep oscillating between anger, sadness, disbelief, and being at ease.

And quite frankly, I am torn between if what I do/don't do/buy is for the benefit of the girls or her. For example, she says they have no groceries and she is broke. Obviously I am going to buy my girls food, but I don't want to be taken advantage of just so she can save money to further her side-ho career.


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## Rubix Cubed

lemon_fresh said:


> *I just feel a bit selfish or self-centered on here venting and stuff. Everyone here has gone through the same ****. Mine isn't any more important. *
> 
> But I still have issues.
> 
> My only issues now besides mind movies are that I only sleep for a few hours and have bad dreams and I have eaten one taco since Monday. Everything else, I throw up.
> 
> I keep oscillating between anger, sadness, disbelief, and being at ease.
> 
> And quite frankly, I am torn between if what I do/don't do/buy is for the benefit of the girls or her. For example, she says they have no groceries and she is broke. Obviously I am going to buy my girls food, but I don't want to be taken advantage of just so she can save money to further her side-ho career.


 Well DON"T feel selfish. That's the entire point of these boards. Once you get life by the balls again you can pay it forward by helping out others if you feel the need.
When she says she can't feed your girls take them out to eat sans STBXW. Buy food for them and clarify that upon delivery, and that your STBX isnot your problem any longer. Document ALL of this , so when you get your lawyer he sees what she is all about and what you've done to help your girls. After that it will be written in your agreement and she will have to hold up her end .


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## just got it 55

lemon_fresh said:


> I just feel a bit selfish or self-centered on here venting and stuff. Everyone here has gone through the same ****. Mine isn't any more important.
> 
> But I still have issues.
> 
> My only issues now besides mind movies are that I only sleep for a few hours and have bad dreams and I have eaten one taco since Monday. Everything else, I throw up.
> 
> I keep oscillating between anger, sadness, disbelief, and being at ease.
> 
> And quite frankly, I am torn between if what I do/don't do/buy is for the benefit of the girls or her. For example, she says they have no groceries and she is broke. Obviously I am going to buy my girls food, but I don't want to be taken advantage of just so she can save money to further her side-ho career.



Lem Just get her gift cards to your local grocery store that will at lease limit what she can do with the $$$$

You're doing as well as any BS keep your focus on you and your girls 

55


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## Adelais

Affaircare said:


> @lemon_fresh,
> 
> I will take that bait and kid around with you.
> 
> HER: "I am done trying. There is only a slim chance you could ever win me back."
> YOU: "Why would I want the sloppy seconds of another man? I don't WANT to win you back!"
> 
> HER: "I am done trying. There is only a slim chance you could ever win me back."
> YOU: "Oh? Were you trying? I didn't notice."
> 
> HER: "I am done trying. There is only a slim chance you could ever win me back."
> YOU: "No thanks I'd rather have a woman who won't open her legs for flattery."
> 
> HER: "I am done trying. There is only a slim chance you could ever win me back."
> YOU: "You can try all day, precious, and I STILL wouldn't even even look your direction."
> 
> HER: "I am done trying. There is only a slim chance you could ever win me back."
> *YOU: "**** you mean there's still SOME CHANCE? I have to try to be a jerk even harder!"*
> 
> HER: "I am done trying. There is only a slim chance you could ever win me back."
> YOU: "If I were to win, you sure wouldn't be the prize!"
> 
> ... see, I could do this all night! Want to join me?


Funny! Especially the bolded one!


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## Adelais

@lemon_fresh Don't feel bad for posting on TAM. People here don't read if they dont' want to. The same with responding. 

Have you moved back home yet? You need to, so you can make sure your children are fed, and that you aren't giving $ to your wife to spend on herself and her AP.

By living somewhere else, your wife can accuse you of abandonment, and get a larger custody of your children. Move back home. Take the marital bedroom. Spread out on the bed, snore, and make it miserable for her to be there, so she has to sleep on the couch.

If she moves out with her AP, you can get custody of your children.


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## GusPolinski

Araucaria said:


> @lemon_fresh Don't feel bad for posting on TAM. People here don't read if they dont' want to. The same with responding.
> 
> Have you moved back home yet? You need to, so you can make sure your children are fed, and that you aren't giving $ to your wife to spend on herself and her AP.
> 
> By living somewhere else, your wife can accuse you of abandonment, and get a larger custody of your children. Move back home. Take the marital bedroom. Spread out on the bed, snore, and make it miserable for her to be there, so she has to sleep on the couch.
> 
> If she moves out with her AP, you can get custody of your children.


^Solid advice here, OP, especially given this newest bit of information regarding your concerns over whether or not your children are being fed.


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## lemon_fresh

I think it all boils down to the same thing. No matter what, I will be back in the position I was before, providing for the girls, and by extension, her. Same if I reconnect internet. The girls use it to watch Youtube and Netflix, but she uses it to do homework. So damned if I do and damned if I don't.


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## GusPolinski

lemon_fresh said:


> I think it all boils down to the same thing. No matter what, I will be back in the position I was before, providing for the girls, and by extension, her. Same if I reconnect internet. The girls use it to watch Youtube and Netflix, but she uses it to do homework. So damned if I do and damned if I don't.


Google "MAC filtering".

Either way you have to make certain that your kids are well fed and cared for, and if you're there, you can work to mitigate the degree to which your contributions to the household enable her behavior.

You could also use the subtle threat of exposure of the affair to OM's BW in an effort to get her to move out, though this wouldn't work well unless you have plenty of evidence on hand to show the BW in case OM tries to spin things and gaslight her.


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## Wazza

lemon_fresh said:


> I think it all boils down to the same thing. No matter what, I will be back in the position I was before, providing for the girls, and by extension, her. Same if I reconnect internet. The girls use it to watch Youtube and Netflix, but she uses it to do homework. So damned if I do and damned if I don't.


Correct. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I understand your feelings, but ten years from now, what will matter most is that you did the right thing by your girls. Do what you can to minimise how she exploits that, but accept that you can't have everything.

You are going through hell right now, but how are your kids feeling? You need to be their dad. You need to be strong for them. They have enough to deal with already. 

Sorry, I know it hurts. I wish it didn't. But it is what it is.


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## lemon_fresh

Okay, so how would I go about moving back in without looking like I am running back with my tail between my legs?


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## GusPolinski

lemon_fresh said:


> Okay, so how would I go about moving back in without looking like I am running back with my tail between my legs?


How large is the apartment?

How many rooms?

Do the kids share a room?

Does the master have its own attached bathroom?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

lemon_fresh said:


> Okay, so how would I go about moving back in without looking like I am running back with my tail between my legs?


Since you clearly can't manage the home and children and an affair at the same time, I'll be here to make sure my children are looked after. You can go live with your boyfriend for all I care (oh, oops that's right. He's not single) but I care about my children and I will not let them suffer because you've reverted back to a highschool girl.


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## lemon_fresh

GusPolinski said:


> How large is the apartment?
> 
> How many rooms?
> 
> Do the kids share a room?
> 
> Does the master have its own attached bathroom?


Townhome, roughly 1300'

3BR
2.5 bath
2 share a room, one has her own. 

Master has its own bathroom


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## GusPolinski

How much disposable cash do you have on hand?


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## GusPolinski

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Since you clearly can't manage the home and children and an affair at the same time, I'll be here to make sure my children are looked after. You can go live with your boyfriend for all I care (oh, oops that's right. He's not single) but I care about my children and I will not let them suffer because you've reverted back to a highschool girl.


More or less, but there are additional things that you can do to reinforce this.


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## lemon_fresh

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Since you clearly can't manage the home and children and an affair at the same time, I'll be here to make sure my children are looked after. You can go live with your boyfriend for all I care (oh, oops that's right. He's not single) but I care about my children and I will not let them suffer because you've reverted back to a highschool girl.


She won't move out. That is why I left. Another argument was not worth it at the time. That leads to my other problem of moving back in: managing my emotions. I am still very raw about this whole thing, and I know I will end up causing drama at some point in these last 5 months of the lease.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

I left my ex. I lost 10 years of home equity that I solely paid for. I lost more than half the stuff I spent my adult life getting. I had to buy a new house, new things. I get 0 in child support. 

It was so worth it. 100%. For my peace of mind to just be away. 

I couldn't have moved back even if it meant I lost a lot in the long run. 

I don't know that you should move back. It's a rental. Figure out what your child support payments will be and make it documented that you are giving that now before court and your child support order.


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## lemon_fresh

Double post


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## lemon_fresh

GusPolinski said:


> How much disposable cash do you have on hand?


Couple hundred right now. 

Because all my $$ went to paying all the bills this month, and my last check was short because of a short unemployment because of Harvey.


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## Wazza

Sorry, I have missed the exact reason why you are considering moving back in. I'm not personally sure I would do it, but are you avoiding accusations of abandonment or something else?


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## Wazza

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I left my ex. I lost 10 years of home equity that I solely paid for. I lost more than half the stuff I spent my adult life getting. I had to buy a new house, new things. I get 0 in child support.
> 
> It was so worth it. 100%. For my peace of mind to just be away.
> 
> I couldn't have moved back even if it meant I lost a lot in the long run.
> 
> I don't know that you should move back. It's a rental. Figure out what your child support payments will be and make it documented that you are giving that now before court and your child support order.


And regular time with the kids. In fact, if you are going to pay some expenses anyway, you could possibly tie it to time with the kids. Gives stbx a reason to play ball.


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## Wazza

lemon_fresh said:


> I am still very raw about this whole thing, and I know I will end up causing drama at some point in these last 5 months of the lease.


Best to accept this and make your decisions keeping it in mind. It's totally normal and understandable that you feel this way, but you need to manage it.


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## lemon_fresh

Wazza said:


> Best to accept this and make your decisions keeping it in mind. It's totally normal and understandable that you feel this way, but you need to manage it.


I know. Easier said than done.


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## lemon_fresh

Wazza said:


> Sorry, I have missed the exact reason why you are considering moving back in. I'm not personally sure I would do it, but are you avoiding accusations of abandonment or something else?


Accusations of abandonment and easier for the kids.

We are going to do nesting for the last 5 months of the lease. When I am in town, she will stay at her sister's house, and I stay in our apartment. She will come back to the apartment when I leave for work. 

I already have in writing with her and my signature that she does not want child support or alimony, and my time with the kids will be any time that I am in town, and if they don't have school they are free to travel with me if they choose to do so (all as per my lawyer consultation).


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## lifeistooshort

Keep the paper where you have it in writing that she doesn't want alimony or cs, but know that it's likely not admissible in court and she's free to change her mind. 

It has no bearing on what a judge might order.....particularly where cs is concerned.


----------



## oldshirt

lifeistooshort said:


> Keep the paper where you have it in writing that she doesn't want alimony or cs, but know that it's likely not admissible in court and she's free to change her mind.
> 
> It has no bearing on what a judge might order.....particularly where cs is concerned.


Yeah the court and the judge have to follow the law and do whatever the law says in regards to the support of minor children regardless of what she may voluntarily agree to. 

It's kind of like minimum wage and over time laws. An employer (assuming a legal business with elligable, adult citizens) can not pay less than minimum wage or withhold over time pay just because someone agrees to accept less for whatever reason.


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## lemon_fresh

Texas has a minimum guideline but generally defers to what the parents decide, even if it is no payments, according to the two lawyers I consulted with.

But we will see


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## TaDor

If your wife wants ZERO CS and you can seperate assets (home / car / etc) without fighting - You can spend about $800~2000 on mediation, in which they will draw up final orders. You can get the D done in about 30 days or so. There are rules for Primary vs equal time, making it quick and easy to draw up the papers for that.

When I filed, I had some help with a friend but pretty much copy and pasted the orders for standard orders, make sure the format and language was right. Cost almost nothing.
A friend of mine, she spent about about $75,000 and her EX-H spent about $120,000 for their divorce. Stupid.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Where I am, I am allowed to turn down child support unless I receive ANY govt help. Daycare, health benefits, etc

Then they require you to file for the standard child support. 

Keep in mind that even with a written notice you could be ordered to back pay for the entire time if she ever did file for support. 

At very least I would put the min child support into a bank account fund for the children when they turn 18. You can show the court you have been making payments if she ever files and if not, your kids have a college fund started.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

@lemon_fresh: Is she working? Or is she not working because she is in school and you are supporting her?


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## lemon_fresh

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> @lemon_fresh: Is she working? Or is she not working because she is in school and you are supporting her?


She is back working, but only part time, because we are now splitting the bills while nesting until the end of the lease.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

So she can split all bills while working part time? If so good.


----------



## lemon_fresh

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> So she can split all bills while working part time? If so good.


Yeah. It is just rent and light. Credit cards, boat, and vehicle are all mine, and she is not using my stuff anymore. We will both buy necessities as needed.


----------



## GusPolinski

lemon_fresh said:


> Yeah. It is just rent and light. Credit cards, boat, and vehicle are all mine, and she is not using my stuff anymore. We will both buy necessities as needed.


Boat?

With only a couple hundred in disposable funds?

You better sell that thing.


----------



## lemon_fresh

GusPolinski said:


> Boat?
> 
> With only a couple hundred in disposable funds?
> 
> You better sell that thing.


Oh, it is not like a yacht or anything. Simple little thing. LOL


----------

