# Infidity Idk what to do please help



## Faust (Apr 18, 2012)

My wife an I have been married for amost 2 years. At the beginning of our relationship she was pregnant, and a very angry person. I felt like I couldnttel her my feelings without being beat Down. So I found someone else to talk to. That went on for a while until I accidentally kissed her. I never meant for it to happen and I regret all of it. And I stopped talking to her for good after that. This is only the preface to my problem. 

Since then, she has been distrustful to the point of going through my phone, pc, and constantly accusing me and insultin 
E. even hitting me when we argue. 

She stopped going thru my things and I foUnd out a feww weeks ago she is full on cheating. And even confronted she won't tell te truth. When I've argued with her about it she has become very angry. Even threatened me with a knife just last night. She doesn't want to stop seeing him. She says she will but I know she wont bc she promises me shed stop last time. Idk what to do. 

I'm in an abusive relationship with someone I love unconditionally. I feel like I would be nothing without her. Please. 

Please help me


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Hmmmmmm, let me see. Spouse pulls a knife on me, should I stay or should I go?

Such a tough choice, but I'm gonna have to lean just a little bit towards 

LEAVING THE CRAZY @SS *****!

Ever read those stories of guys waking up with their manhood chopped off.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

First word of advice is leave. You have a child correct? Take the child and leave. Has anyone else seem her behavior? Start documenting. Get a secret recording device and record her behavior.

You are in a bad place and you need to get out. Once a knife is pulled buddy leave. You didn't and I don't know why you stayed.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Are you sure the child is your's?


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## tokn (Sep 9, 2011)

Faust said:


> My wife an I have been married for amost 2 years. At the beginning of our relationship she was pregnant, and a very angry person. I felt like I couldnttel her my feelings without being beat Down. So I found someone else to talk to. That went on for a while until I accidentally kissed her. I never meant for it to happen and I regret all of it. And I stopped talking to her for good after that. This is only the preface to my problem.
> 
> Since then, she has been distrustful to the point of going through my phone, pc, and constantly accusing me and insultin
> E. even hitting me when we argue.
> ...


Last time I loved someone I haven't tried stabbing them yet, maybe I need to give it a stab .

I don't mean to make fun of your unfortunate situation, but do you see what you wrote? Especially the bold parts...

This person is threatening to do bodily harm to you, that doesn't make you want to leave?

You're asking for help, what kind of help are you asking for? Do you want us to talk some sense into her? Tell you how to change her maybe?

Look truth of the matter is, only you can help yourself. YOU and ONLY YOU have the power to change you and your situation.

She will not change, the world will not change, so ask yourself, am I happy with the situation I am in? Am I happy with how I am treated, especially when they threaten to harm me physically and cheats on me?

Trust me, she is not the only person you can love, the world is full of women, some will even love you back without pointy objects.

The only thing I can tell you is to leave, it may hurt emotionally today, but at least you will still be alive or have all your pieces intact!


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Maybe she made a pact with some demon? (just a play on your nickname)

Its painfully obvious that your wife needs serious help, she is suffering from some major issues, and your duty as a loving husband and father (you did claim you love her) is to try and improve the situation for yourself and your child first, then focus on getting her some help if you still feel like doing it when not threatened on a daily basis.

You ever been on a flight? They always tell you to put the air supply mask on your own face first, before helping others. If she goes too far in one of her tirades and cuts you, and you bleed to death, who is your child going to end up with?

You got some decent advice already, try and document the behavior, go get some counseling for yourself, and protect yourself and your child from a sick woman. No one is asking you to throw her under the bus, but you should really consider removing yourself and your child from a situation that may impact that child for the rest of its life. 

Best of luck to you, hope you see a counselor soon and your life improves.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You really need to see a lawyer and get advice on dealing with this abuse begin the D process to show your wife the affair ends now or the marriage is over.

I would get a var for her car and one for you to carry on you for next time she threatens you.

Oh and find if the bf has a gf or wife and expose to them, expose to your friends and family. Shine as much light on the affair as you can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hi.
She never forgave you for cheating on her while she was pregnant. She was betrayed and now is betraying you. 

Pulling a knife is bad. She feels threatened and the OM is probably feeding into her feelings of betrayal.

Did you ever try and sort out why you cheated? Did you ever go to Marriage Counseling about it?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. Get tested for STD's
2. Get a paternity Test
3. Get a great attorney
You married a psycho. Do not let her destroy your life. Get out before she harms and/or she gives an STD.


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## Faust (Apr 18, 2012)

ing said:


> Hi.
> She never forgave you for cheating on her while she was pregnant. She was betrayed and now is betraying you.
> 
> Pulling a knife is bad. She feels threatened and the OM is probably feeding into her feelings of betrayal.
> ...


We do go to counseling. Her anger isn't really what we address. Itd the cheating. I want this marriage to work. And I dont know how to trust her now. And it's hurting 
Me. Idk if she's still talking to the third party. She says she isn't but I'm too hurt to believe it. But if she isn't then i don't want to drive her away with accusations. And everybody else my goal isn't really to send her to jail I would really like to stay together for the sake of our daughter. I'm the kind of person that thinks that love can always fix itself and love is unconditional and my love for her is unconditional and I just I want to know how to trust her to give time to this relationship now. Idk.


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## Faust (Apr 18, 2012)

Also I can deal with some of the anger she's getting on an antidepressant I think that will help but I do not want a divorce under any circumstance. That would be absolute worst-case scenario


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

I think trusting her would be easier if she weren't threatening you with violence. I would deal with that first, above the cheating. I also don't think anti-depressants will work. They will probably make her more volatile. 

Since I am fighting for an R, I feel weird telling people to leave, but you should probably look for an exit strategy. She is threatening your life in front of your child. No child should have to be exposed to that.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I am sorry but if you are unwilling to pull the plug on a very toxic marriage, there isn't anything anybody here can say to make things better for only YOU have the power to do that.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

LeslieH said:


> I think trusting her would be easier if she weren't threatening you with violence. I would deal with that first, above the cheating. I also don't think anti-depressants will work. They will probably make her more volatile.
> 
> Since I am fighting for an R, I feel weird telling people to leave, but you should probably look for an exit strategy. She is threatening your life in front of your child. No child should have to be exposed to that.


I am with Leslieh, I am giving R a good shot and do not like to tell folks to leave either, but.

Worst case scenerio is you are dead due to being stabbed to death and then nothing is an option, your marriage, your kid, your life, nothing.

You better rethink this marriage. When things get violent it is time to get out. You do not have to divorce but separate. And yes it may drive her away or to someone else but you are in a nasty, vile marriage when one pulls a knife. This is by no means anywhere near normal. Stop fooling yourself with the love will fix everything crap. You are wrapped up too emotionally and too dependent on her for your emotional and mental support. It is unhealthy. You need to find a way quick to distance yourself.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Faust said:


> Also I can deal with some of the anger she's getting on an antidepressant I think that will help but I do not want a divorce under any circumstance. That would be absolute worst-case scenario


The anti-depepressant will help. Stand back a bit and let them do their work. It sounds to me like she is very angry with you for demanding an end to the affair. It also sounds like she knows she is in trouble mentally. This is good too.
It will also kill her libido and suppress the kick she is getting from the OM. 

The knife thing.. Was it full on attack or was it picking it up in the kitchen to make a point?

None of us wanted a divorce. Your right it is the worst possible outcome for your child. 

Of course you are hurting like you have never hurt before It is as all who have been betrayed feel. Perhaps now you can see what that affair you had did to her sense of self. Her sense of security during her pregnancy.

You have both fcked up. Start from there but in the mean time while you wait for the drugs to kick in, just be there. They take about ten days. 

ONLY when the affair is over do you attempt any form of joint counseling.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop thinking only about your self you have a daughter and you are giving her a very bad examble of a healthy marriage. Or shall I say a great examble of a unhealthy marriage.

Usually there is a waiting peiod for a devorce to finalize, so I strongly suggest you file, then during the waiting period your wife sees the protential of lossing you and fixes her self.

Again a tactic to get her the help she needs not end the marriage.

Until you put a condition on your love for this women you *will* continue to give you daughter a very unhealthy examble, and a life full of toture and pain in both your lifes.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.*

WHoops sorry about that, it appears your not telling the whole truth.

Anything you would like to add or change?


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## Faust (Apr 18, 2012)

ing said:


> The anti-depepressant will help. Stand back a bit and let them do their work. It sounds to me like she is very angry with you for demanding an end to the affair. It also sounds like she knows she is in trouble mentally. This is good too.
> It will also kill her libido and suppress the kick she is getting from the OM.
> 
> The knife thing.. Was it full on attack or was it picking it up in the kitchen to make a point?
> ...


No she was just trying to make a point I guess. Although se is physically violent in our worst arguments. She hasnt ever really hurt me, but she has destroyed things in the house.I'm not sure if she'd have done anything. I should also say, or should have said? She suffers from Dissociative Identity disorder. She is not clinically diagnosed because she refuses to go to a doctor for it but having taken a few years of psych and reading up on it, it is without a doubt DID. ALSO I emotionally cheated on her. She is physically and emotionally cheating. 
I don't understand why she doesnt stop. She claims that still just talki g to the offender is no big deal and I should be ok with it. But I'm not. It hurts me to hear his name. She has hurt me and doesn't care. 

But I know she loves me. And most of the time I know she wants to be with me. Idk what's been happening lately. She's so out of control. And hurting me over and over again. I hate to sound like a broken record but I dont want a divorce! I love my wife no matter how crazy she is. But I want to feel comfortable she has stopped the affair. She says she has and I'm afraid to check, especially as she would know I did and then things would be worse! 

Idk what to do!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Faust said:


> I want to feel comfortable she has stopped the affair. She says she has and I'm afraid to check, especially as she would know I did and then things would be worse!


You mean like she shoots a gun at you, with bullets in it, and she makes sure she doesn't miss?

You need to RUN, not walk, to IC (individual counseling). There you will pay a lot of money to someone who will tell you that no amount of love is worth death at the hands of a loved one.

I can understand that perhaps at some other (distant?) time, she was not like this. It may be that she has some type of serious mental instability that is causing her to choose violence. But has ALREADY BEEN SAID, you cannot save your marriage (or WAY more importantly, protect your child) if you are dead. Choose life, and get away from this person FIRST before contemplating your next step, and take your child with you. 

There are shelters for spouses who are in danger of physical abuse and worse. They can also give you access to counseling and legal advice. Call your local municipality.


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## Faust (Apr 18, 2012)

Alright let's calm it down. I do not fear for my life at all. When I say worse I just mean if she would divorce me or idk. Continue the affair.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Faust said:


> Alright let's calm it down. I do not fear for my life at all. When I say worse I just mean if she would divorce me or idk. Continue the affair.


She would divorce you or continue the affair if you checked and confirmed whether or not she were still in the affair. Is that correct?

Again, you need individual counseling. A counselor will tell you that if someone is in an affair and would divorce you or continue the affair if you checked on the affair, you should divorce them.

I'm so sorry.


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## Faust (Apr 18, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> She would divorce you or continue the affair if you checked and confirmed whether or not she were still in the affair. Is that correct?
> 
> Again, you need individual counseling. A counselor will tell you that if someone is in an affair and would divorce you or continue the affair if you checked on the affair, you should divorce them.
> 
> I'm so sorry.


But I'm not emotionally ready for that. I've come to a point where I feel like I need her. Need her to survive. I love her with all of y heart and idk. When things are okay I'm so happy with her. I don't want to lose her. Idk. I know I sound like a fool. Again having taken psych courses I know. I do. But I am so hopelessly in love with her. And with how things have gone I feel lost and almost worthless. I need to try to work things out or I feel like I will die. Idk. I'm so confused


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Have you read the 180? You probably need more than most people do.

At some point, every person, no matter how much love they are surrounded by, has to live life for themselves. Not in a selfish way. In a giving way. By seeking the joy in life, finding the good in life. That joy isn't found inside another person, like your wife, or anyone else. Be the best person you can be--this is something you do for yourself, as a model for your children.

Your unhappiness, I sense, is not from the sad situation with your wife; it's because deep down, you're unhappy with yourself. On some level, you think you deserve this person who treats you so poorly.

But no matter what you've done in life, you do not deserve to be treated the way your wife is treating you. Even if you did cheat on her and even if everything she's doing is the natural consequence of that cheating. Two wrongs don't make a right.

*Please seek counseling*, if you have not already. If you don't think your counselor is good, find another one.

By being with someone who cannot treat you right, you and she are setting very bad examples for your children. I'm frankly alarmed that you seem to have zero concern for them. They truly should be your FIRST priority, they are innocents exposed to a poisonous environment. Every single day you live this way is cementing this sad vicious cycle for another generation.

I wish you well, and until I hear that you are in counseling and making progress, goodbye.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Faust said:


> I'm the kind of person that thinks that love can always fix itself and love is unconditional and my love for her is unconditional and I just I want to know how to trust her to give time to this relationship now. Idk.



"Unconditional love" is not an emotionally healthy attachment. I suggest you discuss this with your therapist. You might check out David Richo's book "How to Be an Adult in Relationships." If you can get your head around that, it would help.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Faust said:


> Alright let's calm it down. I do not fear for my life at all. When I say worse I just mean if she would divorce me or idk. Continue the affair.


Even so, you need to maintain some minimum standards in your dealings with people, even someone you might call your wife. When I was angry with my husband, my mind wandered to thought of hitting him, that's when I woke up and reassured myself that I needed to learn to negotiate for things I deemed important.

While verbal and other non physical abuse is real, it's to quantify /identify....but physical abuse and the the threat of it is very real and obvious. You should not negotiate with your wife when she does this.

This is one boundary you should set.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why would she want to end her affair? Your not going anywere!


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## Faust (Apr 18, 2012)

Leaving her just doesn't seem like something I can do right now. Also allow me to clarify that we don't ever fight in front of our child. And the abuse only reaches physical points in arguments. So it's not an everyday thing. There is quite a bit of mental and emotional abuse though. She had a lot of childhood issues that help cause the way she is. I do love he for who she is, and I can deal with most of her outbursts. I do believe she loves me. But she definitely has poor self control. 

And anger issues of course. We are in couples therapy and it's nice to be able to talk there but idk about the affair. She says she's stopping but I'm so distrustful now. And it's hard not to show it. Once again, divorce is absolutely last resort. I want to be with this mildly psychotic woman lol. She is an excellent mother and when she wants to be, or is mentally stable anyway, an excellent spouse. 

My real reason for posting here is to understand how to trust her again and move past the idea of the affair. A part of me wants to just not care but I can't do that. Idk. What do I do? I want to believe she ha stopped as she has said, but my trust is so wounded that I don't know if I can.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You don't have that control, it is you wife that controls the level of trust you have for her by her own actions.

It is all about to her. There is no pill you can take there is no action on your part that will bring your trust for her. 

Again it is her actions that will bring back the trust.

In my case, my fWW has spent the time with me and has stopped going out, she calls and checks in while at work, and is now a open book for me to read any time I want, discussing her A's is not something she runs from, and last but not least the affection she now has for me is above and behond what I could ever expect.

Again brother, it her own actions that bring back the trust.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Faust said:


> Leaving her just doesn't seem like something I can do right now. Also allow me to clarify that we don't ever fight in front of our child. And the abuse only reaches physical points in arguments. So it's not an everyday thing. There is quite a bit of mental and emotional abuse though. She had a lot of childhood issues that help cause the way she is. I do love he for who she is, and I can deal with most of her outbursts. I do believe she loves me. But she definitely has poor self control.
> 
> And anger issues of course. We are in couples therapy and it's nice to be able to talk there but idk about the affair. She says she's stopping but I'm so distrustful now. And it's hard not to show it. Once again, divorce is absolutely last resort. I want to be with this mildly psychotic woman lol. She is an excellent mother and when she wants to be, or is mentally stable anyway, an excellent spouse.
> 
> My real reason for posting here is to understand how to trust her again and move past the idea of the affair. A part of me wants to just not care but I can't do that. Idk. What do I do? I want to believe she ha stopped as she has said, but my trust is so wounded that I don't know if I can.


So you want her to love you.
You want her to be a stable wife.
You want a fantasy life with her.
You want her to stop the affair.
You want to be happy with her.
You want her to be happy with you.
You feel you can not live without her.
You want her to see that you are in love.
You want her to return that love.
Will you get what you want????

A very wise man said; "You can't always get what you want. But if you try......sometimes, you get what you need."

If she never returns your love - will you dry up and blow away?
If she does not stop the affair or show remorse - will you stop being a father to your child and sit in the corner.

What you need to do is stop letting this woman and her actions define you as a man. Recognize that you are an individual who is a responsible father regardless of what your mentally disturbed wife does. Stop dwelling on what you want and are not getting Concentrate on what you do have control of. Take care of yourself and your child. 

Show her that you will care for yourself and your child and the two of you are going to be fine with or without her.

If she is indeed in the "fog" this is going to be the fastest way out of it. But you have to realize that sometimes the WS just is not interested in saving the relationship and never will be, and nothing you do or say will change that. You need to accept this as a possible reality.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Faust said:


> My real reason for posting here is to understand how to trust her again and move past the idea of the affair. A part of me wants to just not care but I can't do that. Idk. What do I do? I want to believe she ha stopped as she has said, but my trust is so wounded that I don't know if I can.


You can tell when someone engaged in an affair is lying because their lips are moving.

You can't just believe that she has stopped absent proof. 

You are unwilling to do anything if she keeps the affair and her violent, abusive behavior up other than take the abuse like a dog.

With no repercussions for her, what possible reason does she have to stop the affair, not lie to you about it, or stop abusing you?

Answer: None.

If you are unwilling to leave even an abusive relationship, you desperately need individual counseling to figure out why you are willing to accept being treated this way. I mean this kindly, but it sounds like you almost need more counseling help than your wife does.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Faust said:


> ...and I can deal with most of her outbursts.


Why in the world would you WANT to do this?!!


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## Faust (Apr 18, 2012)

Some people marry schiTzophrenics. She has her issues and I knew that when I married her. So Im okay with a lot of it. The affair hurt me worse than any anger she shows toward 
Me. Also, please someone, what are these acronyms I keep seeing.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/forum-guidelines/464-common-message-board-abbreviations-acronyms.html


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## Faust (Apr 18, 2012)

Also, I want to thank tdsc for the most appealing and seemingly understanding post. I do remain a good father always but I have not been taking care of myself. Not doin what I can do as a person. I have been really trying to fix that lately, thinkin it will help and it is nice to see someone else say that. I've found it very difficult to stay motivated in this relationship. But I am ready to stand up and push back. Again, I thank you for that post, as it truly does give me hope.


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