# What does this mean? Am I crazy??



## msalison (Aug 27, 2014)

This may sound silly but I'm hoping for some real answers here.

I have suspicions that my husband may be cheating. There are reasons for my suspicions but I am wondering if anyone here has gone thru this and can tell me a little about that gut feeling you get about these things.

I have definitely been having that feeling, then he tells me something, which I am not sure I believe, but it actually changes my mood and the feeling goes away. Later the feeling may come back. Right now I am in the "good" mood, and now I am questioning my own thoughts. Am I crazy for the way I have been thinking or is this just the cycle?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'd like to try to provide some real answers, but you really don't give much to go on. If you feel he's cheating on you, there's something that causes that feeling. Check into it further and either eliminate the possibility or confirm your suspicion. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

PBear said:


> I'd like to try to provide some real answers, but you really don't give much to go on. If you feel he's cheating on you, there's something that causes that feeling. Check into it further and either eliminate the possibility or confirm your suspicion.


Word. This narrative needs a bit more in the way of details.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

First of all, your gut feeling is rarely wrong. But it would be helpful if you gave us some examples.

Obvious thing to do is quietly check his emails, phone records, texts, etc.


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## msalison (Aug 27, 2014)

There is a woman he works with who he sometimes speaks with over the phone. The calls have to do with business and I have always been aware of that. However, the calls have gotten a little longer and they have begun to talk about personal things, like their families, their weekends, etc. Then they began texting, none of which I saw because they were always erased and when I asked about them he said it was just friendly conversation, nothing to worry about. I asked him to stop and he agreed to do so. The next week there was more texting and when I confronted him he said she said she was interested in him and she asked him out. He said he told her he was married and did not do that sort of thing, but again he erased the messages. 

I have been wondering for a while if there was a little something between them but since this happened I have really had that strong gut feeling. Like I said, as of now I am feeling ok about things. Does this feeling come and go or is it all in my mind?(which, by the way is what he tells me)


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The fact that he erases her messages is a big red flag. But a lot of people don't see emotional affairs as cheating. Perhaps get the book "Not Just Friends", and work through it with him?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Big Red Flag.....I would not believe a word he is saying because he is erasing the messages, he is lying through his teeth. Actions speak louder than words and recommend an aggressive course of action.

1.) Consult with an attorney, you don't have to file, but he needs to know you are serious and you need to know your rights.
2.) He needs to write a letter of no contact. This should include language that further contact not about business will be considered harassment and reported to HR. You need to approve the letter and send it certified mail.
3.) He needs to agree to give you access to all media, devices and passwords. You can then use software to restore deleted messages and find out the real deal.

Don't sweep this under the rug or ignore as it will only cause you pain and usually ends badly.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

PBear said:


> The fact that he erases her messages is a big red flag. But a lot of people don't see emotional affairs as cheating. Perhaps get the book "Not Just Friends", and work through it with him?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


PBear has this nailed.

The erasing is a sign of guilt. If there was nothing...then there's nothing to hide. Erasing is hiding.

What kind of phone does he have?


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## WatchmansMoon (Mar 6, 2013)

I'm sorry you're worried about this. I've found this list of warning signs helpful in judging what may or not be going on. Your marriage may be in danger of an affair if he:
"Avoids eye contact with you. 
Talks continually about the unknowns of the future. 
Shows an increased disinterest in the topic of sex. 
Makes excuses for not spending time alone with you. 
Acts unusually guilty when you do something nice for him/her. 
Quits complimenting you on your physical attractiveness. 
Stops saying, "I love you" and even acts rudely to you. 
Starts buying you gifts to ease his or her guilt."
It's from an article on this same topic at http: //bit.ly/1a4wZXl 
HUGS to you!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

VAR time


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Red flags:

1 - Long conversations with opposite sex co-worker discussing non-business

2 - Texting same co-worker

3 - *DELETING TEXTS*

4 - Admitting she asked him out - possible trickle truth

5 - Continuing this communication after he told you he would stop 

6 - Continuing this communication after he admits she asked him out

Deleting texts is the most serious.

You should check your cell phone records for the number and duration of calls and texts to/from her - and how long they have gone on.

Make yourself an expert on covert monitoring. VAR and GPS in his car, spyware on his cell, keylogger on his computer; are all options. 

I thinks there's a good chance he's cheating. Sorry.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

You can recover and read deleted texts from Smartphones. You need some software that can be downloaded. Even with free versions that won't let you save, you can still do screen captures on a PC and save them. 

For Apple iPhone or iPads, do a manual non-passworded backup with iTunes. Then run the software and select text messages, click on read deleted texts too. Screen capture, print and save these somewhere safe. 

Get a detailed copy of the phone bill. Will show text and call information and numbers called. Get credit/debit card statements and bank statements. 

VAR is very useful. There are instructions. Look up TAM member Weightlifter. He as more info for you. It's in his sig.

Do not panic. It's your right to check. You are not snooping. You are protecting your marriage.

Your H may confuse privacy with secrecy. Privacy is closing the bathroom door. There is no secrecy in marriage. That is given up willingly on the wedding day. All passwords, accounts, phones, texts should be available for both to see at any time for no reason at all.

Seems he's still a child regarding this. Chances can be its nothing, but why the deleted texts. I myself delete texts out of habit. Keeps clutter down. But also have nothing to hide. I will freely show any and all info from deleted texts or spouse can run the software. Our passwords, accounts, phone access - everything are completely open for eachother. No exceptions.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Read some of the threads about "gut" feeling, you sense something is not right and perhaps your H is picking up on those feelings and is covering his tracks and trying to put your mind at ease.

It may be nothing polite conversation between two business associates
It may be just starting
Or it could be farther along

Best to trust your gut, go quiet and observe, look into what you can and watch for discrepancies in his schedule.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

OP, listen and absorb carefully to the advice you have gotten so far. 

Your H is at least in an EA and this stage, but you may have found this out before it went PA, so you need to act decisively and shut this thing down NOW !

Is the female co worker married or have a BF ? If so, contact the husband / BF ASAP and tell them what is going on.

Good luck to you and sorry you are here.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

For me my gut is usually pretty accurate. I think the challenge is you want so much to believe that your gut is wrong...when your spouse gives a story that has even a shred of plausibility you cling to it. 

Perhaps you could approach him with something like, "I'm struggling with trusting what you're saying is true. Let's see a marriage counsellor so we can discuss my trust issues." Cause really at this point this is all we know for sure is true. 

If his explanations only hold water because you're desparate to believe them a detached third party will quickly see through them.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Please read the Newbies post by AlmostRecovered.


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