# I need a man's advice



## blackeyedsusan37 (Jul 6, 2008)

How can I earn back my husband's trust after I have (according to him) done everything in my power to ruin our marriage of 8 months. I have not ever cheated on him, he thinks that I have. I have lied and spent LOTS of money and lied about spending money. I will stop it all if it means I can be with him. HELP!!!!! Be honest and truthful because everything I have done up to this point has been the wrong thing.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

There are two issues I see here. First is you need to live a transparent life so he can see there is nothing to worry about. 

The second thing is I worry that he might be using this as a form of verbal abuse to control you.

draconis


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

I belong to a financial group that discusses financial infidelity. Some people there would actually rather their spouses commit adultery vs financial infidelity.

Your post is very vague. Specifically, what did you do? I mean, did you just spend $50 here and there when you said you wouldn't, or are you actually jeopardizing the stability and safety of your family. As a man, I would be very upset at this, because if you were taking out loans or spending our mortgage money, we'd BOTH end up on the streets. Without knowing the degree you hurt your husband, I can only offer general advice.

As was said, make sure he is fully aware of everything you are doing/have done, and make sure he can be confident you will not do it again. If you have to go on a "cash allowance" system, that is a good start.

He may have to remove your name from shared accounts, and put fraud alerts on his SS# to make sure you aren't opening up credit accounts behind his back. He should handle the finances for a while, and you should be careful about where you go and what you do.

I'm not trying to be harsh, just realistic, as unbridled spending is DEADLY, and it hurts others who love you. I am also a firm believer that you should not bring the kid into the candy store if you don't want to buy any candy.


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## samfalters2 (Jul 15, 2008)

By cheating I assume you mean sexually, but you have to admit that faith and trust in a person is not exclusively eroded by that alone. If your marriage means as much to him as it does to you then it will endure but surely not on the current path that you're taking. There is one proviso with trust in this sense, is that you can repair it but I think when you cheat sexually then couples rarely ever recover.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

If you guy have only been married for 8 months then he might just see this as a way out, I mean you did mess up, but like you said not as bad as carnal infidelity.
If he's not talking divorce yet and seems willing to at least try and stay married, then you have a chance to prove to him that you are not that person that can hurt him.
It's hard to trust again after someone has done you wrong. 
The type of lie may not matter to some as much as the fact that it is a lie. 
Complete openness is the most important way to start, communication, humility, patience and an understanding of how much you are wiling to go through for what you have done is important too.


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## blackeyedsusan37 (Jul 6, 2008)

He is still living here at the house. We filed Chapt 13. I am working 2 jobs to make up the money that I wasted. He is not sleeping in our bed, let alone having any type of sex. I have not even asked or made attempts. He says he "is not ready". I tell him I love him every chance I get. I do the little things I did before (write on the bathroom mirror so he sees it when it is fogged up, call him throughout the day, massage his feet after working on his feet all day, fix his favorite treats, etc). He hasnt even told me that he loves me except this weekend when we were having a serious discussion. I hold onto that and am working my butt off to fix this. I know it wont be over night but the not touching, the emotional distance is hurting me. I feel lonely. I hugged him this morning before he left for work, it was the first time he let me touch him in several weeks.
As far as the money goes, I would write checks and they would bounce then they would be re-submitted and the fees kept adding up. In all it was $5642.37. I spent the money on nothing, I cant even tell you, food maybe. Eating at restaurants. Hanging out at the bars. I dont know.
Any thoughts?


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## KingJust (Sep 19, 2008)

blackeyedsusan37 said:


> He is still living here at the house. We filed Chapt 13. I am working 2 jobs to make up the money that I wasted. He is not sleeping in our bed, let alone having any type of sex. I have not even asked or made attempts. He says he "is not ready". I tell him I love him every chance I get. I do the little things I did before (write on the bathroom mirror so he sees it when it is fogged up, call him throughout the day, massage his feet after working on his feet all day, fix his favorite treats, etc). He hasnt even told me that he loves me except this weekend when we were having a serious discussion. I hold onto that and am working my butt off to fix this. I know it wont be over night but the not touching, the emotional distance is hurting me. I feel lonely. I hugged him this morning before he left for work, it was the first time he let me touch him in several weeks.
> As far as the money goes, I would write checks and they would bounce then they would be re-submitted and the fees kept adding up. In all it was $5642.37. I spent the money on nothing, I cant even tell you, food maybe. Eating at restaurants. Hanging out at the bars. I dont know.
> Any thoughts?


Honestly, you were not ready to be married. Why, because the actions that you were making seems as if you were independent and what ever were the consenquence, it was only on you. But, in reality, you just made your husband lose all trust in you. I'm assuming he feels that he cannot rely on you to be responsible.

Instead of doing all these little "lovey dovey" things, try showing him that you are trying to be responsible by making a list of goals (that show responsibility) and achieve them. That's probably something I would like to see... but on the other hand, I would have divorced you for being selfish and self centered because if this wasn't happening before you two got married, why now?

KJ


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## manonfire111 (Sep 16, 2008)

blackeyedsusan37 said:


> How can I earn back my husband's trust after I have (according to him) done everything in my power to ruin our marriage of 8 months. I have not ever cheated on him, he thinks that I have. I have lied and spent LOTS of money and lied about spending money. I will stop it all if it means I can be with him. HELP!!!!! Be honest and truthful because everything I have done up to this point has been the wrong thing.


All you can do is, from this point forward, be completely honest with your husband. Don't lie about money and be honest about all of the things that you lied about in the past. Be an open book. Stay this way. Give him time to get over the past lies...and he hopefully will forgive you... good luck..


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## husbandinthemking (Oct 3, 2008)

blackeyedsusan37 said:


> How can I earn back my husband's trust after I have (according to him) done everything in my power to ruin our marriage of 8 months. I have not ever cheated on him, he thinks that I have. I have lied and spent LOTS of money and lied about spending money. I will stop it all if it means I can be with him. HELP!!!!! Be honest and truthful because everything I have done up to this point has been the wrong thing.


Ok.. ready for this? 

He accused you of cheating, eh? Hmm.. sounds like he is the one cheating on you. Sometimes guilty cheaters turn it around on their spouses to try and get rid of the guilt they feel.

You need to be able to let him go. Check out zaxxes.com for more info. It saved my marriage. My wife and I are going on a cruise in a few days.  Best of luck to you.


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## INTUITION (Sep 29, 2009)

Because you were the one to mess up this marriage and spend the money you did the crime now you must do the time . It will be a while before things get back to any sort of normalcy in your house. You just have to continue doing all the things your doing , cooking favorites , rubbing his feet, working two jobs e.t.c. until he comes around. It won't be an easy road back but if it is meant to be and you hang in there you will get it back.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

He is a man. He is letting you touch him. That is his way of letting you know that you have a chance to fix this. If you simply stop talking about how you will change and just keep doing the right things it will be fine. 

If this one ends, the next one will be the same. No sane man will tolerate this. 

good luck






blackeyedsusan37 said:


> He is still living here at the house. We filed Chapt 13. I am working 2 jobs to make up the money that I wasted. He is not sleeping in our bed, let alone having any type of sex. I have not even asked or made attempts. He says he "is not ready". I tell him I love him every chance I get. I do the little things I did before (write on the bathroom mirror so he sees it when it is fogged up, call him throughout the day, massage his feet after working on his feet all day, fix his favorite treats, etc). He hasnt even told me that he loves me except this weekend when we were having a serious discussion. I hold onto that and am working my butt off to fix this. I know it wont be over night but the not touching, the emotional distance is hurting me. I feel lonely. I hugged him this morning before he left for work, it was the first time he let me touch him in several weeks.
> As far as the money goes, I would write checks and they would bounce then they would be re-submitted and the fees kept adding up. In all it was $5642.37. I spent the money on nothing, I cant even tell you, food maybe. Eating at restaurants. Hanging out at the bars. I dont know.
> Any thoughts?


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