# Facebook Privacy?



## Naku

My wife has her privacy settings on Facebook set such that I can't see her friends list and can't see comments by people who are not mutual friends. I don't believe she has cheated on me. There was a time when she seemed odd and I began to track her and spy on her computer. At one point, she wanted to separate. I did read a communication between her and an old friend from college who lives in another country. I have since tracked her for a year and never found anything. Any suspicious items turned out to not be anything. But I'm still always on guard. She knows I would look and might ask, so I can see her wanting privacy - and I don't want to appear too jealous - still, it bugs me. I've brought it up twice. The first time she responded by saying that it was facebook asking her and she followed directions. The second time when I asked her, she assured me that her settings were that way for everyone and I was not singled out. Again a non-answer. I'm going to press it, but wanted to hear what other people thought. Thanks.


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## *Deidre*

If she is hiding her friends list, then no one can see it, not just you not being able to see it. I didn't know that you could change settings to only show comments to people who are mutual friends.


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## Naku

According to her, no one can see it. I believe that - but the fact is that I'm treated like everyone else. I can see her making her whole facebook private, still.


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## jorgegene

I dont buy it was an accident or that she was following fb suggestion or that everybody elses is this way. Its a deliberate setting to keep you out I think.
Why is the question.


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## NextTimeAround

Have you ever looked at her profile through her profile to see what it does look like at least to some if not to you?

The little bit of privacy that I understand that may apply here:

1. You can block one or more people each time you make an entry on your own wall.

2. You can also choose when you start an entry on your wall that it is only seen by your OWN friends (NOT friends of friends) no matter who else contributes to it.

For example, when my (future) husband was still FB friends with his just a friend ex, if he contributed on her wall, I would not be able to see that from my FB profile.


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## Naku

I haven't spied in a long time. It makes me crazy when I do. I tend to be on the anxious side and get paranoid easily.


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## Relationship Teacher

Naku said:


> I haven't spied in a long time. It makes me crazy when I do. I tend to be on the anxious side and get paranoid easily.


Don't spy. Not worth that paranoia.


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## arbitrator

*Not being a FB user at the time, my RSXW was a somewhat prolific user.

During the course of her covert online affairs with both of her " other men," she was able to intimately communicate in private with both of them there.

More especially when pictures of them being together were posted up, of the two of them off on trips and cruises, where she'd implore him to " not tag" her, as "Arbitrator's friends might be able to see them!" 

Only after having a PI friend access the system, post-separation, was I able to find out; but by then, the damage had already well been done and was irreparable as well as irreversible!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround

Relationship Teacher said:


> Don't spy. Not worth that paranoia.


The government spies on average people. In fact, some governments encourage people to shop their neighbors.

Do you plan to campaign against the government and the neighbors who assist in spying?


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## straightshooter

If she is going out of her way to insure you do not know who she is communicating with on social media, there is a reason. 
FB has had more bad effects on marriages than you can write about. And you already have caught her once.

You can put your head in the sand, but if it bothers you enough to find this forum, I'd suggest you have this out with her.

There is an old saying and that is 'TRUST YOUR GUT".

Do just that


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## Aspydad

Just get her user name and password and check everything out. If she refuses to give it to you, this is a big red flag. I for one would not put up with it - we would have a MAJOR PROBLEM.


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## Mr. Nail

Facebook comic


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## Satya

Why is this even an issue? Ask for her credentials. There should be no secrets in marriage, for either of you. 

If she protests hotly, then you have something to be concerned about.


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## alexm

Aspydad said:


> Just get her user name and password and check everything out. If she refuses to give it to you, this is a big red flag. I for one would not put up with it - we would have a MAJOR PROBLEM.


I agree with this. There should be total transparency in a marriage, especially when it comes to online interactions. And I'm not even a paranoid dude.

She probably does have her privacy settings so that nobody can see her friends list, however that's usually reserved for "friends of friends". If none of her FB friends can see who she's friends with, that's something she knew she was doing, not a suggestion from FB. 

FB WANTS people to connect. They're not in the business of suggesting their users lock down their accounts, regardless of whether it's possible or not.

If she has made her privacy settings universal, that's not necessarily indicative of her hiding something from you, specifically. Often it is the easiest way to set them - lowest common denominator, applies to everybody.

However, she CAN set individual parameters for people like you. She can go to your page, and set you as a "close friend", which means you would each be able to see everything on each others pages, including friends lists. It would also mean that every single thing each of you posts on FB would show up on each other's feeds. 

FB currently employs algorithms to pick and choose what people see in their feeds, essentially taking a guess at how often you want to see posts from friends. They depend on how often you communicate with each other, how often you "like" something somebody said, etc. Making somebody a "close friend" over rides those algorithms, and shows you everything, regardless of whether you actually chat, like or generally communicate with that person.

I would suggest you ask her to make you a "close friend" on FB, thereby allowing you to see everything.

If she refuses for some reason, then you'll know she knows what she's doing on there, and not just following FB's "suggestions".

If she agrees, then I imagine you'd have nothing to worry about.

Problem solved, without having to be sneaky about it.

OR... if she ever leaves her FB open, go to your page (via her account), and where it says "friends", a drop box will open, and you can select "close friends".

In addition, you can (via your FB account) go to her page, do the same as above, but also open the box directly next to that one, and click "see first", so that her posts show in your feed at the top.

*ETA - conversely to the above, she might very well have specifically set you (and maybe some other people) as "acquaintances", which does the opposite of making one "close friends". It effectively maintains you as FB friends, but without revealing all their info (including friends lists). I suppose it's possible she's done exactly that. I doubt it, but you never know.

Again, you can check her settings should you ever have access to her account, with or without her there. Just ask her to go to your FB page while she's logged in. It'll still say "friends", regardless, but if you hover the cursor over that box, it opens the drop down box and a check mark will be next to whatever designation she's given you - close friends or acquaintances.


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## GusPolinski

*Deidre* said:


> If she is hiding her friends list, then no one can see it, not just you not being able to see it.


This isn't necessarily true.



*Deidre* said:


> I didn't know that you could change settings to only show comments to people who are mutual friends.


Eh... maybe.


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## *Deidre*

GusPolinski said:


> This isn't necessarily true.
> 
> 
> 
> Eh... maybe.


I see comments of everyone who is not on my list, if they are commenting on a mutual friend's things. They don't show up in my newsfeed, but their comments show with everyone else's,so not sure how the OP can't see comments of others on things she posts.


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## SimplyAmorous

What's been happening in the marriage, other red flags leading up to this ? How is the intimacy? If she's shut you out, allowing this to come between you... there is more at play...she is hiding something.... 

Is there resentment on her part, that has built over the years ?

I'm not one to find Facebook Evil and the ruination of all marriages.... it's just a medium...sure it allows for easy temptation to cozy up to the opposite sex if one is dissatisfied at home..... 

Why it's all the more important to keep the fires burning with our spouses, keep resentments at bay, the communication ongoing...

I wouldn't find this acceptable in my marriage.. Transparency is a beautiful thing.. if it's given "willingly".. the moment one has to force the issue.. SOMETHING IS AMISS... no longer does she want to RUN TO YOU with all her cares, the sharing of her day, what she's feeling.. and to seek this from you... 

On that "Facebook comic" thread...


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## Imovedforthis

When you look at her profile do you see the things she has posted that are for friends only? Or just the public things or nothing. If you see public/nothing and are her friend still then she possibly has you on "restricted" access which is in the blocking section. If you see her stuff that's set to private friends only then you see what all her friends see. 

I also have my friends list set to only me. Only bc I have family members who get upset if I'm friends with other family members. Hide my friends list, problem solved. 
I do want to say there is a way you might be able to pick and choose who can see BUT I'm pretty sure it's just these options- public, friends, friends of friends, only me. I choose only me. 

You can only see comments on mutual friends posts based on how her settings are and the friends. Typically anyone who posts a public post and a friend likes/comments on that it will show up on all the friends newsfeeds. 

I would think that if she were up to something she would just set a fake fb?!

Ok and last thing- there is an option to set up groups so that when you post things you can have only the people in this group seeing and commenting on the post. It's not called a group it's something else- friends list maybe? Maybe she has that and you aren't included. It's under the friends list and if you ever see someone post a status and next to it shows where it's public of friends instead it will show like * an asterisk or something that means that status was shown to a list of friends not everyone. 

What I would do- get in her fb and screenshot her friends list, see if she has people blocked- screenshot that, and see if she has people on restricted and friends lists set up. You need to get in her account and look for those things and well obviously messages and stuff.


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## EllisRedding

All social media should be completely visible/transparent to both people in a relationship. Now, I don't necessarily believe (unless there has been past issues) this means you should be going in periodically to monitor your SOs activity (a while back someone here posted that as part of relationship "maintenance" this should be done which I completely disagree with). If you have concerns, and your SO is unwilling to budge or make things transparent, that does come across as a red flag.

However, I think it is very important to address @SimplyAmorous questions. Are there any other red flags in your relationship? FB issues are most likely not the cause of relationship issues, but probably the symptom of something else going on, so best to try and sort out what the root cause may be.


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## TX-SC

EllisRedding said:


> All social media should be completely visible/transparent to both people in a relationship. Now, I don't necessarily believe (unless there has been past issues) this means you should be going in periodically to monitor your SOs activity (a while back someone here posted that as part of relationship "maintenance" this should be done which I completely disagree with). If you have concerns, and your SO is unwilling to budge or make things transparent, that does come across as a red flag.
> 
> However, I think it is very important to address @SimplyAmorous questions. Are there any other red flags in your relationship? FB issues are most likely not the cause of relationship issues, but probably the symptom of something else going on, so best to try and sort out what the root cause may be.


Well said! My wife and I have a 100% open policy. She can see anything she wants anytime she wants. Same for me. I just don't understand the "I need my privacy!" argument. If you aren't doing or saying anything wrong, what's the issue?


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## SMG15

This is why people who are married or in a relationship shouldn't be facebook friends


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## NextTimeAround

SMG15 said:


> This is why people who are married or in a relationship shouldn't be facebook friends



Whaaaaaaaaaat? This is why they should be!


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## SMG15

NextTimeAround said:


> Whaaaaaaaaaat? This is why they should be!


For what reason? Why do I need to announce who I am in a relationship with?


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## DoneWithHurting

SMG15 said:


> For what reason? Why do I need to announce who I am in a relationship with?


Not only should you be friends, but you should check who their "recently" added friends are and FRIEND them.

It is like the spouse showing the wedding band. Warning all who are thinking of making overtures, think twice.

FB is too dangerous to a committed relationship to just leave be.


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## SMG15

DoneWithHurting said:


> Not only should you be friends, but you should check who their "recently" added friends are and FRIEND them.
> 
> It is like the spouse showing the wedding band. Warning all who are thinking of making overtures, think twice.
> 
> FB is too dangerous to a committed relationship to just leave be.



Well I disagree. It's no one's business who I am dating


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## NextTimeAround

SMG15 said:


> Well I disagree. It's no one's business who I am dating


Is it also none of your wife's business whom you date?


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## Lila

DoneWithHurting said:


> Not only should you be friends, but you should check who their "recently" added friends are and FRIEND them.
> 
> It is like the spouse showing the wedding band. Warning all who are thinking of making overtures, think twice.
> 
> FB is too dangerous to a committed relationship to just leave be.



There are people who'd agree with this but I find getting friend requests from spouses of friends, who I have no connection with except knowing the husband, is frankly creepy. As a general rule, I only accept the invitations from people I know personally. If I don't know you, can't remember you as someone I hung out with, and you aren't related, then you're not getting a peek at my Facebook page. I keep that thing on lock down at the highest privacy settings. 

Op, if your wife has her facebook settings like mine, then no, you wouldn't see her friends nor would you be able to see certain posts unless she's setup 'groups'. I have a my family group, his family group, high school group, college group, work colleagues group, close friends, and other. Each of those groups has their own privacy settings. For example "my family" has access to all of our family pics. "His family" can only see those I've given permission. 

If you want to be able to see her page and posts in their entirety then ask her to create a group just for you with all permissions granted. Simple fix.


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## EllisRedding

DoneWithHurting said:


> Not only should you be friends, but you should check who their "recently" added friends are and FRIEND them.
> 
> It is like the spouse showing the wedding band. Warning all who are thinking of making overtures, think twice.
> 
> FB is too dangerous to a committed relationship to just leave be.


IDK, to me this is a bit of an over reaction, but understanding this is coming from my experience with my wife where we have no red flags. We are also both frequent FB users. She can see everything on my FB feed and vice versa. 

I honestly think it would be creepy if her friends started friend requesting me, and same thing if I did that to her friends.

Once again, FB is not the issue (as you mention FB is too dangerous). It is solely a tool to use and can be used for wrong when there are other inherent issues with the relationship.


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## SMG15

NextTimeAround said:


> Is it also none of your wife's business whom you date?


I don't think married people or people in a relationship should be FB friends


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## DoneWithHurting

SMG15 said:


> I don't think married people or people in a relationship should be FB friends


That could be asking for a world of hurt.


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## SMG15

DoneWithHurting said:


> That could be asking for a world of hurt.



if someone is going to cheat they are going to cheat. So we should be FB friends so I can make sure she is not cheating? lol


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## Apexmale

My wife and I are not on each others FB lists and we have zero FB issues. We both are listed as married to each other and that's quite enough for both of us. It works.

Sent from my Dodge Ram SRT10


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## frusdil

I have my friends list set to 'Only Me' for the same reason as another poster...extended family members get upset if you talk to certain people so I just hide the darn list, lol. My profile also has very high settings.

Hubby and my FB is always open, either of us could check them out any time but we don't. Privacy in marriage is closing the door when you use the loo.


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