# Husband cheated...now masturbates in bed



## JessieP (Feb 28, 2012)

Just a backstory here.....my husband cheated on me almost 2 years ago....i'm still salty about it and trying to heal from it.....recently I noticed when we sleep i'll wake up briefly to what I believe is my husband jerking himself off. He doesn't seem to have his phone to look at porn or anything but I can feel the bed shake and hear him breathing heavily. He normally will stop right away once I wake up. My question is should I be worried?....it just seems like lately whenever I try to initiate sex he's either too tired or not interested....but then he jerks off at night? I'm really frustrated and I'm close to calling it quits....I never had a problem with him masturbating before he cheated, but now I just can't bear the thought of him doing it let alone doing it right next to me in my sleep.....any help is appreciated


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Why don't you simply join in at these times? Clearly he is feeling the need for physical release and doesn't feel he can approach you about it.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Why don't you just ask him? Tell him what you suspect and let him know that it isn't necessary. You have initiated sex with him so that's why your asking. He's the only one that has the answer.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Start diddling yourself when he does it. That should throw him for a loop.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Has he directly rejected your advances?


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## JessieP (Feb 28, 2012)

Mavash, whenever I touch him or try to get him in the bedroom with me he blows me off and we usually get in a fight....maybe I should just ask him why the hell he doesn't want to have sex with me? I mean seriously, I've even resorted to masturbating because I'm not getting any action. But at least I have the respect to do it when he's not around....sorry I'm venting now


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Ok,

So this is not a problem with him masturbating. It's a problem with him rejecting you and not desiring to be intimately involved with you. If this leads inevitably to fights, you need a "mediator" to help sort out the issues. Sounds like time for MC. Did you do any work after the affair, or did you just rug sweep it???


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## JessieP (Feb 28, 2012)

We've only been to MC once and I've been to IC off and on....i'm going back to IC here shortly and I definitely want us to get into MC.....I don't think we rug swept it per se...but I don't feel like everything has been worked out either. I'll be honest I'm a little afraid to bring it up again because things have been getting better and because he's shown me that he wants our marriage to work. These little things are throwing my off balance and maybe it's something I need to fix within myself.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

It might not be you. It might be that he feels so bad deep down for what he did and that is causing performance issues. He might be able ignore these feelings during the rest of the day but when you try to start something it brings these bad feelings up in him.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

This could have been me a few years ago (minus the affair) before I moved into the spare room. For me it was the confirmation that our sexual relationship was over and I was simply regressing to single life again. It is however unacceptably inconsiderate and unreasonable to expect you to 'observe' it though.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

What do you mean salty about it after 2 years ?

How long was his affair ?

And yes you guys did rug sweep this sh1t. 

Counseling is forever or at least a long time. That is the mistake me and the Ex did. On top of this you need to make sure the counselor is good. Just don't setting on the first one, I mean seriously we are talking about your marriage here.

We went to the first therapist/MC and liked her. But I've come to learn after testing out a few others, she wasn't that good. I'm a firm believer that if we went to the one I am going to now our marriage had a greater chance of being saved.

Further even after the major issues die down or seem to be corrected, you guys should be going for maintenance every few months. Even if once a quarter. It gives you and him the chance to bring up something that either one of you might have been afraid to say and now can bring it up in neutral territory at the therapist office.

As for the bed issue..

I do agree to join in, in some way. Of course don't make it abrupt. I'm not gonna go into details on what you can do as I can imagine you're a big girl and know what to do in that department. 

But, But, But, But... Go into that expecting rejection. 
If it works out great, as it will relieve a bunch of tension between you two, no pun intended.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*.I don't think we rug swept it per se...but I don't feel like everything has been worked out either. I'll be honest I'm a little afraid to bring it up again because things have been getting better and because he's shown me that he wants our marriage to work. These little things are throwing my off balance and maybe it's something I need to fix within myself. *

REALLY!!!!! You guys rug swept this big time. You should be able to discuss this stuff.

How are things getting better? You are getting no sex from your husband, he is doing whatever in bed next to you, you can't discuss the A or sex.

You two are not communicating in any significant way. You have almost zero intimatcy.

You are ready to call it quits.

And you are saying things are getting better.

Wake up and smell the Cuban coffee.


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## hereinthemidwest (Oct 7, 2010)

I say it's a lack of intimacy. Not always physcal either. I've read several books relating to cheating ect. My intake only. Talk to him.. JOIN HIM.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'm curious about what your sex life has been like.

At one point in my marriage, I was extremely frustrated at my wife's lack of interest in sex and decided that the frustration of asking for and being denied sex was worse than just accepting she wasn't interested and taking care of myself.

But what also happened was that I developed a real resentment for the fact that when SHE was interested, I had to jump up and perform like a trained dog. Again, it was easier for me to say no and continue to take care of my own needs than help her when SHE wanted it.

Juvenile? Maybe. But think about it. You ask a friend to help you move several times over the years and you are always rejected. Suddenly your friend needs help moving. How do you react?

As for actually masturbating in bed, yeah I've done that. Should I get up and run to the bathroom? Maybe, but it's my bed, too.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I'm sure this must hurt your feelings.

And I agree with Thorburn that there was much more rugsweeping than you realize. Your relative lack of healing and his hiding are indicative of that.

I'm learning in MC, which we recently started, how much my WS and I DON'T know about communication. It seems you and your WS have a lot to learn too.

People use the word "intimacy" so often and refer to sex, when really a couple isn't truly experiencing intimacy unless they share most of what's going on in their hearts and minds - even the tough stuff. When we can't talk to each other about those difficult things, there is trouble.

I think you need professional help - a GOOD MC - because reconciliation is really difficult without it. FYI, I used the National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists to find ours (that's because some therapists don't care one way or the other whether you get divorced, whereas "marriage friendly" therapists do actually value marriage), and I made sure he had experience with infidelity.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yeah the best advice I have is to talk to him directly about it. Don't approach it with an "I'm angry that you do this when you could be doing me" attack-like attitude either. Approach it from a caring angle so he'll feel like he can be honest with you, vulnerable even. If he responds with "I don't know why." or "Don't worry about it, I'll stop" or something like that, it probably just means he doesn't feel comfortable sharing with you yet.

Someone mentioned that there are possible performance issues. Has he had performance issues or instances of ED in bed? I'm sorry if I missed that, but if that is the case, that could indicate any number of other considerations.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

JessieP said:


> Just a backstory here.....my husband cheated on me almost 2 years ago....i'm still salty about it and trying to heal from it.....recently I noticed when we sleep i'll wake up briefly to what I believe is my husband jerking himself off. He doesn't seem to have his phone to look at porn or anything but I can feel the bed shake and hear him breathing heavily. He normally will stop right away once I wake up. My question is should I be worried?....it just seems like lately whenever I try to initiate sex he's either too tired or not interested....but then he jerks off at night? I'm really frustrated and I'm close to calling it quits....I never had a problem with him masturbating before he cheated, but now I just can't bear the thought of him doing it let alone doing it right next to me in my sleep.....any help is appreciated




It might be an awkward conversation but one that needs to be had. "If" he is doing this then he feels he can't communicate this with you. Find out why. 


This could be a very fun thing to try but it's only fun when both are involved.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

JessieP said:


> Mavash, whenever I touch him or try to get him in the bedroom with me he blows me off and we usually get in a fight....maybe I should just ask him why the hell he doesn't want to have sex with me? I mean seriously, I've even resorted to masturbating because I'm not getting any action. But at least I have the respect to do it when he's not around....sorry I'm venting now


Then maybe you should masturbate when he is around? :scratchhead:

But you need to gather some facts:-

Does he do it in his sleep?

Does he have an erectile problem that makes him feel ashamed?

I think counselling is an option, here.


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## Freesia (Aug 26, 2013)

I think it's a bit strange him masturbating in bed next to you , yet he doesn't want sex with you. 

When you here him doing it again ask him there and then ... Why?? How long have you been married ?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Seems passive-aggressive
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Being intimate with someone means being vulnerable TO that person. When you are asleep, it's possible he wants to be with you but unwilling to give away that bit of vulnerability?


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