# Perfect match or....comfortable situation?



## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Everyone out there wants to find a one true love that is THEE perfect match for us, and to live happily ever after once we find them. Buuuut it doesn't always work out that way and sometimes we just simply _settle_ on a comfortable situation, but in our hearts still feel there's probably someone out there in the world who matches up 1,000 times better but you got tired of looking.

So please be honest with your answers; did you find that 100% perfect match or did you just find a "comfortable situation" and married them instead?


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

I'll go first I guess. I am honest when I say that I chose a "comfortable situation" for a marriage but that my wife and I only match up about 60%, and I feel for sure that there is someone else out there who would make me a lot happier and would matchup 95-100% of what I'm looking for.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

For us it's both. We just clicked and were instantly comfortable around one another. We watch the same shows, same movies, I get him, he gets me....

We have the same sense of humor. I think he settled....he's really smart and a math wiz, me....kind of a dummy. He gets all the tec stuff, and I just don't get it....lol

But we are a good match. We both have said it would be weird to not be in each others life.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I refused to settle. I'd rather be single and alone than settle.

I married my perfect match.

However I must add it didn't guarantee a happily ever after we still struggled but being a perfect match made the struggle worth it.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I think I have met my perfect match. Like Pandakiss, he and I enjoy the same movies and shows, we have common interests and hobbies, we have the same sense of humor, we are very sexually compatible, we never run out of things to talk about, religious beliefs the same, etc. And he is the first person that I can truly and honestly be myself around. He doesn't judge me and I don't judge him. And all those little annoying things he does doesn't bother me as much as it would with someone else. If that makes sense. 

The problem? 

He hasn't figured it out yet!!


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Didn't know if we were perfect match. He claimed he knew I was one for him but I was so blinded by the fog dopamine flowing and general infatuation that if he had been with ill intent my heart would have been broken in thousand pieces. Fortunate for me he has really treated me good and I can say after 8 years of marriage not only do I love him to pieces I actually like the guy a lot. We are really comfortable and relax around each other. 

He still have me wrap around his finger though.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> Everyone out there wants to find a one true love that is THEE perfect match for us, and to live happily ever after once we find them. Buuuut it doesn't always work out that way and sometimes we just simply _settle_ on a comfortable situation, but in our hearts still feel there's probably someone out there in the world who matches up 1,000 times better but you got tired of looking.
> 
> So please be honest with your answers; did you find that 100% perfect match or did you just find a "comfortable situation" and married them instead?


There is no such thing as your "one perfect match/one true love", there are countless possible matches for everyone. There are more than 7 BILLION people on this earth, so half of those are men, half women. 

The "happily ever after" is just a fairy tale. Most people settle with someone who is within the same city, school or work environment as them...most do not search the globe for that "one true love". You usually end up with the person you have the most chemistry with within the stomping grounds you dwell in (City, work, school, etc.), which often leads to problems down the road when "love" is no longer enough.

I think you need a good mix of sexual chemistry and common interest. The more you have in common with someone, the more compatible you are with that person, the more time you will spend together, and the strong pair-bonding will be.

I've settled in the past. 5 years ago I met someone I was very compatible with. 3 years ago we started dating. Nothing is perfect in life, but this is by far the most compatible person I have met for myself, which makes it all the more comfortable relationship. It's as close to perfect as I have encountered, and it doesn't take hard work like my past "settled" relationships did...it's just easy to be with her.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

tulsy said:


> There is no such thing as your "one perfect match/one true love", there are countless possible matches for everyone. There are more than 7 BILLION people on this earth, so half of those are men, half women.
> 
> The "happily ever after" is just a fairy tale. Most people settle with someone who is within the same city, school or work environment as them...most do not search the globe for that "one true love". You usually end up with the person you have the most chemistry with within the stomping grounds you dwell in (City, work, school, etc.), which often leads to problems down the road when "love" is no longer enough.



Took the words out my mouth. Add to that that people change over time. So there has to be something other than a "perfect match" for a successful LTR.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

I'm not sure there is a difference. If you are comfortable, then you are happy. What more could you be looking for? Comfortable is different for different people, but to me, comfortable == happy ... which is NOT to say I'm sedentary by any stretch of the imagination ...


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

tulsy said:


> There is no such thing as your "one perfect match/one true love", there are countless possible matches for everyone. There are more than 7 BILLION people on this earth, so half of those are men, half women.
> 
> The "happily ever after" is just a fairy tale. Most people settle with someone who is within the same city, school or work environment as them...most do not search the globe for that "one true love". You usually end up with the person you have the most chemistry with within the stomping grounds you dwell in (City, work, school, etc.), which often leads to problems down the road when "love" is no longer enough.
> 
> ...


This is just your opinion base on your own logic and experience which is basically the only way any one can answer this question. I disagree. However none of us can say for sure. I do think most people don't wait to find that one person who was meant for them they marry too quick. 

Of course I'm still in 20's so my opinion is subject to change base on just living more of my life.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

:yawn2: SETTLED
Getting a divorce. I think knowing why I settled helped me a great deal. I think perfect match is a myth.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Tomara said:


> :yawn2: SETTLED
> Getting a divorce. I think knowing why I settled helped me a great deal. I think perfect match is a myth.


Not perfect. Just the person meant for you.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I have one of those 95% marriages. Yin and Yang for sure. I could have settled and I didn't, and he's what I got blessed with instead.

11 years and we're deeper in love than ever, and our relationship isn't hard or work. Sure we have had problems, but not anything we didn't resolve or work through together, and it brought us closer. No lingering anger or resentments either. 

I think if you settle you are selling yourself short.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Looking at both of my marriages if I was Dr Frankenstein for a minute here's what I'd build:

I would take from my ex her wacky sense of humor(like mine), her sexual drive which was constant & kinky, and she loved to watch football & hockey with me and knew everything that was going on in the games. But what I would throw away is her bi-polar very unstable lifestyle, which included violent outbursts and strange episodes of disappearing for an hour or two here and there and quitting(good)jobs left and right.

From my current wife I would take from her her intelligence, being a responsible person, her generosity, and deep down has a very kind heart. I would throw out her being very bossy, total lack of sexual desires, short tempered, and hates all sports pretty much.

*So if I combined both women and what I *liked* from them I could have exactly what I'm looking for in a wife, and they are both pretty or cute so it was a tie in that category.*


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> This is just your opinion base on your own logic and experience which is basically the only way any one can answer this question. I disagree. However none of us can say for sure. I do think most people don't wait to find that one person who was meant for them they marry too quick.
> 
> Of course I'm still in 20's so my opinion is subject to change base on just living more of my life.


Actually, I believe we can say for sure. Biologically, we're unique, so there isn't a perfect match waiting out there for anyone, but there are numerous people you will "click" with, some much more than others. We will never run into all of those people, maybe just a few in our lifetimes. I think we all try to latch onto the best fit "at the time", but there could never be a one perfect match. We aren't puzzle pieces and we are constantly changing in some ways...it's actually in our nature.

True, it's my opinion, but it's not my own logic...just the way it is. It's not a horrible thing either...sure it's nice to think we were made for each other, but it's also nice to just realize how lucky we were to find someone we are so compatible with, because though there may be others, you may never meet them.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

tulsy said:


> Actually, I believe we can say for sure. *Biologically, we're unique, so there isn't a perfect match waiting out there for anyone*, but there are numerous people you will "click" with, some much more than others. We will never run into all of those people, maybe just a few in our lifetimes. I think we all try to latch onto the best fit "at the time", but there could never be a one perfect match. We aren't puzzle pieces and we are constantly changing in some ways...it's actually in our nature.
> 
> True, it's my opinion, but it's not my own logic...just the way it is. It's not a horrible thing either...sure it's nice to think we were made for each other, but it's also nice to just realize how lucky we were to find someone we are so compatible with, because though there may be others, you may never meet them.


I just think that "If/then" clause in bold is flawed. We not trying to match up DNA just in compatibility


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I settled with two marriages and three LTRs. Now that I have fWW straightened out (and my own sh!t too), we have found perfect matches in each other. 

Humans aren't perfect, and relationships require work to be strong and healthy. But if you're both 100% committed to the relationship, that's perfection, in my eyes.


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## Zookeepertomany (Jun 27, 2013)

I have no clue if we are a perfect match or comfortable. Depending on the season I might be able to say one or the other. However, I'm going to guess it is both in some ways, either way we just keep plugging along.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

I don't think there can be a "perfect match" because people change over time. So many times on TAM you see someone who claims their partner was perfect when they married but changed later. 

In my case, I guess I am lucky. Over time, my partner changed to be closer to my interests. At first, we were overcome by passion and not the slightest bit compatible. I could have made the same match by simply choosing a random woman from anywhere. Yet we are still together after 16 years, and happy.

In fact, I have read studies that show that arranged marriages have a much lower divorce rate than voluntary marriages. Another reason why I think the "perfect match" concept is a myth.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

My husband and I are a perfect match. 

Perfectly flawed.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

Serious question ... and I hope I don't hijack the thread with it:

What is the distinction people are making between "Perfect couple" and "Comfortable?"


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

"In fact, I have read studies that show that arranged marriages have a much lower divorce rate than voluntary marriages. Another reason why I think the "perfect match" concept is a myth"


Of course they have a lower divorce rate. Most countries where arranged marriage is practiced either don't allow, severely restrict, or socially frown on divorce to the point most people don't do it. And some, actually many, of those poor women live with the consequences. Lower divorce rate doesn't equate to marital success. 

Add to that, people in these cultures do not expect what we expect of our spouses, i.e. my best friend, romantic partner, recreational buddy, etc. if you're going to expect these things from your spouse, you better have a "good match"

Apples to oranges comparison.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

tulsy said:


> There is no such thing as your "one perfect match/one true love", there are countless possible matches for everyone. There are more than 7 BILLION people on this earth, so half of those are men, half women.
> 
> The "happily ever after" is just a fairy tale. Most people settle with someone who is within the same city, school or work environment as them...most do not search the globe for that "one true love". You usually end up with the person you have the most chemistry with within the stomping grounds you dwell in (City, work, school, etc.), which often leads to problems down the road when "love" is no longer enough.
> 
> ...


I agree that there is not just "one perfect match" for people. That's so un-romantic to say, I know.

I disagree with the "More you have in common." It's good to have things in common, but a household will have a division of labor. It's great when there is a mesh, rather than a match, of aptitudes and interest that allow each to do what he/she is good at. That makes for a good team, which can put you in a better position to do the things you enjoy together. However; I also find it good to help with things my wife does as it gives me time with her when my over-active mind doesn't make me seem inattentive ... I'll leave the explanation for now, though.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> "In fact, I have read studies that show that arranged marriages have a much lower divorce rate than voluntary marriages. Another reason why I think the "perfect match" concept is a myth"
> 
> 
> Of course they have a lower divorce rate. Most countries where arranged marriage is practiced either don't allow, severely restrict, or socially frown on divorce to the point most people don't do it. And some, actually many, of those poor women live with the consequences. Lower divorce rate doesn't equate to marital success.
> ...


There is another factor that I don't think you're considering: If you're arranging a marriage for your child, you're probably not looking for the same kind of person they are. You're much more experienced with relationship than that person is, and you're probably much better at finding someone that is not going to beat your daughter senseless, etc. People really do care for their kids.

There was a discussion on this topic here a few years ago. Several interesting points were brought out in it. I think your answer is the easy one, but I don't think it covers everything by a long shot.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

shy_guy said:


> There is another factor that I don't think you're considering: If you're arranging a marriage for your child, you're probably not looking for the same kind of person they are. You're much more experienced with relationship than that person is, and you're probably much better at finding someone that is not going to beat your daughter senseless, etc. People really do care for their kids.
> 
> There was a discussion on this topic here a few years ago. Several interesting points were brought out in it. I think your answer is the easy one, but I don't think it covers everything by a long shot.


Ok. Well I've lived and worked within some of these cultures. They do not set out to find a match based on personality, likes, etc. nope- it tends to be more like socioeconomic factors, class (caste), what does he or she do for a living, and what can the "match" bring to our family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> Ok. Well I've lived and worked within some of these cultures. They do not set out to find a match based on personality, likes, etc. nope- it tends to be more like socioeconomic factors, class (caste), what does he or she do for a living, and what can the "match" bring to our family.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Which of the cultures?


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> Ok. Well I've lived and worked within some of these cultures. They do not set out to find a match based on personality, likes, etc. nope- it tends to be more like socioeconomic factors, class (caste), what does he or she do for a living, and what can the "match" bring to our family.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh And I doubt my parents would do a good job choosing someone I actually had chemistry with. That's very important to me if I'm going to be having sex with someone the rest of my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

shy_guy said:


> Which of the cultures?


Indian and chinese
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> Indian and chinese. The Chinese I rural areas still practice this to some extent. Not urban. As far as India and Nepal, two of the countries I've had experience with and are culturally very similar, they definitely do more often than not.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> Oh And I doubt my parents would do a good job choosing someone I actually had chemistry with. That's very important to me if I'm going to be having sex with someone the rest of my life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe. I don't know. I doubt any of us who haven't had that experience can really say. I've actually wondered when I heard someone tell me that he/she met his/her spouse on their wedding day what that wedding night must have been like. I'm pretty forward, but I couldn't bring myself to ask that question even though I was curious.

The oldest of my brothers in law has an arranged marriage, and so does the oldest of my sisters in law. My BIL's marriage didn't last ... he got a gambling problem that spent all their family's assets while his daughter was dying of leukemia. All of my wife's family thinks his wife had good reason to leave him, and in fact they don't really have contact with him anymore.

The SIL with the arranged marriage seems happy enough. She's well off financially, but that wasn't the story of the early part of their marriage. They had to work together to build a business. She seems attached to her husband ... it's hard to say for sure, though.

My wife was actually matched to be married when she was young - long before she met me. However; this was a time of transition in their country. My wife didn't want to marry the person she was matched to, which turned out to be a good thing for me. You'd think my in-laws would have hated me if I stopped the description there, but they didn't. I loved my father-in-law and my mother-in-law both, and they always treated me like family. 

It's still an interesting question. I have been interested in the discussions when they are approached intellectually.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> Indian and chinese
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm in China right now (It's not my wife's culture, if you're wondering). The office has a number of people from Singapore and elsewhere in Asia, but most are Chinese from different parts of China. Now that we've gotten this discussion going again, my interest is piqued again. It sounds like a good discussion to get going at lunch one of these days.


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

I definitely didn't get married because it was the easier option. getting comfortable is something i'm just starting to do after a rocky first few years of marriage. but I don't think that marrying someone you're comfortable with is all that insane. they must make you happy on some level for you to feel comfortable around them, no?


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

shy_guy said:


> Maybe. I don't know. I doubt any of us who haven't had that experience can really say. I've actually wondered when I heard someone tell me that he/she met his/her spouse on their wedding day what that wedding night must have been like. I'm pretty forward, but I couldn't bring myself to ask that question even though I was curious.
> 
> The oldest of my brothers in law has an arranged marriage, and so does the oldest of my sisters in law. My BIL's marriage didn't last ... he got a gambling problem that spent all their family's assets while his daughter was dying of leukemia. All of my wife's family thinks his wife had good reason to leave him, and in fact they don't really have contact with him anymore.
> 
> ...


What country is your wife from? 

My husband's two brothers also have arranged marriages. They seem to work, but they are also very practical-seeming arrangements. I too would love to ask what that's like. My one sister in law met her husband the day before their wedding! Yikes! My husband says that often the marriages are not consummated right away. But his countrymen are overwhelmingly gentlemen, kindly, lovely people. He's Nepalese. He did not want An arranged marriage. He came here and ended up with me! They weren't happy but got over it. Both of my sisters in law have expressed some wistfulness when they see how affectionate we Are with each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Settling is what I did when I was 14, it is not something that intelligent, mature adults should do. Life is too short to waste on a relationship that does not challenge you , is full of love and passion and brings you untold happiness.

I enjoy being single so would never just settle for the sake of being in a relationship but then again I have never been short of men chasing me so have always had plenty of choice.

Even with my ex I do not look back and say I settled, at the time we were great for each other, we were a good match for that stage in our lives and we continue to be good co parents and friends. Our marriage ended because we grew apart and our needs were not being met within the relationship.

As I enter the next phase of my life (middle age) I have again found a perfect match. He is not a perfect person, I am far from a perfect person but we are a golden match. We share a sexual chemistry that is beautiful, share interests and hobbies and have similar core values. We have challenges to our relationship due to both being parents but we work together so well in this regard and have nothing but full respect for each others obligations.

We are a perfect match because we challenge each other and grow from the experience, we are each others biggest fan and we both want the same things in life. Our relationship is full of love, laughter, happiness no settling here.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> What country is your wife from?
> 
> My husband's two brothers also have arranged marriages. They seem to work, but they also very practical-seeming arrangements. I too would love to ask what that's like. My one sister in law met her husband the day before their wedding! Yikes! My husband says that often the marriages are not consummated right away. But his countrymen are overwhelmingly gentlemen, kindly, lovely people. He's Nepalese. He did not want An arranged marriage. He came here and ended up with me! They weren't happy but got over it. Both of my sisters in law have expressed some wistfulness when they see how affectionate we Are with each other. By the way, I'm not knocking their system or beliefs, I just don't buy the argument that a lower divorce rate equals happier marriages.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ugh never post using a cell phone
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> What country is your wife from?
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Korea

I agree that lower divorce rate doesn't necessarily equate to happier marriages. It's interesting that the people who I know at work who are in arranged marriages tend to tell me they are happy, and they tend to be very family oriented (which probably leads to a lot of the happiness in their situations). It may be that the ones who are not happy, or whose relationships have fallen apart just don't make it to the office where I work, though.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

shy_guy said:


> Korea
> 
> I agree that lower divorce rate doesn't necessarily equate to happier marriages. It's interesting that the people who I know at work who are in arranged marriages tend to tell me they are happy, and they tend to be very family oriented (which probably leads to a lot of the happiness in their situations). It may be that the ones who are not happy, or whose relationships have fallen apart just don't make it to the office where I work, though.


I don't doubt they are family oriented. But how likely are these people to tell an outsider, a foreigner, that they are unhappy in their arranged marriages. Based on my experience, I think it's more likely they give a good spin on things in public, so as not to embarrass their family/clan.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I am one of those Hopeless Romantic type women... I've always been this way - from an early age... I didn't dream of going to college, living it up..or cared about being rich.... I yearned for the simpler things in life...those things of the heart....finding lasting young love...

.. I was looking for a man who FELT as strongly as I ...about LOVE, commitment, togetherness, MARRIAGE....building a life together ...and future children... when we met, it just all fell into place ... we were suddenly inseparable...and all my dreams amazingly were HIS as well.... I guess he could have been "playing" me... but if so, he's been doing that for 31 yrs... so I think he's been true.... 

There are a couple things I would change about my husband if I could wave a magic wand I suppose... but they are so very small... maybe if he talked a little more/ more of a debater/ reader & more aggressive in bed.. other than this.. he IS my match made in Heaven.... 

He'd say I could be nicer to the kids... I have a temper on me at times.. . With us....his natural strengths are my weaknesses, and my strengths are his ... so when we come together... working as a team united with a goal in front of us....we are very strong....and good for each other.. 

We laugh a lot...I love his sense of humor and thank God he can find humor in some of my more unruly moments.... these things are huge....we never tire of being with each other...

Neither of us settled... I've never met anyone in my life - yet so far...that could be better for who I am at my core...to bring out the best in me... and I know he feels the same in return.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> I don't doubt they are family oriented. But how likely are these people to tell an outsider, a foreigner, that they are unhappy in their arranged marriages. Based on my experience, I think it's more likely they give a good spin on things in public, so as not to embarrass their family/clan.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Point taken. There are too many cultures for me to even begin trying to evaluate that. I thought I was looking deeper than just words they would say to me, but it will get beyond what I'm able to deduce ... and there is something all together different I just started thinking of, but don't have time to try to reason it out right now.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

We seem to be very compatible but the concept of a perfect match seems to be an abstraction that does not exist in reality.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

I just think that even though you think you did good with finding your spouse you still may have just..........._settled_, and either don't wanna admit that or just don't realize it yet.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> I just think that even though you think you did good with finding your spouse you still may have just..........._settled_, and either don't wanna admit that or just don't realize it yet.


Unless there is the perfect person out there, then that would have to be true of everybody. Since no perfect person really exists, we look in our environment and find what makes us happy, right?

I'll be honest, the whole "Don't settle" set of memes that I see coming from one certain set of people among my facebook friends is really irritating. they're using it as sour grapes statements every time a relationship goes bad on them, and they don't seem to look at themselves as possibly a reason their relationships always end up so badly. 

Let's be realistic, unless I am perfect, I'm being unrealistic to demand that someone must meet up to all my standards of ideal ... especially if I'm not considering that person's standards of ideal in myself. Since nobody fits that, and we don't have "made-to-order" people in the world just waiting for us to discover them so they can come and make us happy, nor can we go to the drive-through window and put in our custom order for the perfect mate, then we have to look at who people really are, look at who we really are, and make our decisions based on that. If you call that "settling" then we all, without exception, do that. I just don't buy off on the story book idea that there is one special person that is going to be perfect for you ... Everybody, in order to make it work, has to do his/her part.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

shy_guy said:


> Unless there is the perfect person out there, then that would have to be true of everybody. Since no perfect person really exists, we look in our environment and find what makes us happy, right?
> 
> I'll be honest, the whole "Don't settle" set of memes that I see coming from one certain set of people among my facebook friends is really irritating. they're using it as sour grapes statements every time a relationship goes bad on them, and they don't seem to look at themselves as possibly a reason their relationships always end up so badly.
> 
> Let's be realistic, unless I am perfect, I'm being unrealistic to demand that someone must meet up to all my standards of ideal ... especially if I'm not considering that person's standards of ideal in myself. Since nobody fits that, and we don't have "made-to-order" people in the world just waiting for us to discover them so they can come and make us happy, nor can we go to the drive-through window and put in our custom order for the perfect mate, then we have to look at who people really are, look at who we really are, and make our decisions based on that. If you call that "settling" then we all, without exception, do that. I just don't buy off on the story book idea that there is one special person that is going to be perfect for you ... Everybody, in order to make it work, has to do his/her part.


Not "perfect" Shy_guy but much better matched for us, and if someone is in a near perfect or well matched marriage I do tip my hat to you and envy you as well. My parents were married 58 years before my mom passed and they were a great match and always will be! I came across someone that I worked with at a different job about 10 years ago that fit me like a glove and it was scary how well we got along, only problem is that she was.................married with two kids.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Cee Paul said:


> I just think that even though you think you did good with finding your spouse you still may have just..........._settled_, and either don't wanna admit that or just don't realize it yet.


This could be true, or you could have a true peas in the pod situation, both of you area ware of it and take care of it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

shy_guy said:


> Let's be realistic, unless I am perfect, I'm being unrealistic to demand that someone must meet up to all my standards of ideal ... especially if I'm not considering that person's standards of ideal in myself. Since nobody fits that, and we don't have "made-to-order" people in the world just waiting for us to discover them so they can come and make us happy, nor can we go to the drive-through window and put in our custom order for the perfect mate, then we have to look at who people really are, look at who we really are, and make our decisions based on that. If you call that "settling" then we all, without exception, do that. I just don't buy off on the story book idea that there is one special person that is going to be perfect for you ... Everybody, in order to make it work, has to do his/her part.


I look at it more in terms of - you must *know thyself* , what you want in life & what you can effectively *accept *in a person.... 

There are certain things I knew at a young age, I would never never put up with .. like a smoker (not into kissing an ashtray & his dying earlier of lung cancer)... a drinker (hang overs & beer guts are not attractive)... a gambler... a work-aholic ... someone who had a history of being a Player...someone who had to be on the go constantly (I am more of a homebody)... someone who preferred the city when I dreamed of living in the country....someone who didn't want to be a Father...a man who was always hanging with the boys - I longed for a  who loved being with *me*. ....

...I also needed one who believes in a willing transparency/ no secrets .... keeps his word... isn't a "silent treatment" holder..... 

If any of those was missing... I'd KNOW it would cause issues in our future... I'd fight with him too much (I KNOW ME!)....so I look at that more as *wisdom*.... 

Basically I was looking for a genuine Good man with a  & devotion for Family. 

I didn't care how much $$ he made, so long as he was good with it / could live within his means... we could work together & struggle together for our goals......he didn't have to be Mr Confidence either...or have great abs... just someone who had a shining "Integrity" as we all need that for* trust*...

I didn't expect perfection but I DID expect HONESTY...an owning up to one's mistakes along the way...as I would as well. 

We are all a little imperfect and miss it sometimes... 

Did a thread on that here >>


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

He's my perfect match.I wouldn't be doing this marriage thing again if he wasn't.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> Everyone out there wants to find a one true love that is THEE perfect match for us, and to live happily ever after once we find them. Buuuut it doesn't always work out that way and sometimes we just simply _settle_ on a comfortable situation, but in our hearts still feel there's probably someone out there in the world who matches up 1,000 times better but you got tired of looking.
> 
> So please be honest with your answers; did you find that 100% perfect match or did you just find a "comfortable situation" and married them instead?


Truthfully, I was in love. This is why we married/got involved. 

Now that I am divorced, I can say, I no longer believe in The One or Soulmates or any of that Hallmark stuff (for myself). Marriage is not anything that appeals to me whatsoever because I now know how fickle things can be. It takes two completely committed individuals. Unfortunately, that is not how it always shakes out.

A lot of people stay in relationships out of "settling" o because it's comfy or because of money or kids. They aren't truly in love yet they don't want the stigma of divorce.

And then some people really do find their perfect partner. My hats off to them. It is a rare occurance, IMO.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

_"And then some people really do find their perfect partner. My hats off to them. It is a rare occurance, IMO."_

I have to agree with you. And back when we were in high school I remember this couple dating throughout our junior and senior years who were a very good match back then, so it really was not a surprise to me when I ran into them on Facebook and found out they'd been married for *32 years* now with 2 beautiful kids. To me that is.................TRUE LOVE!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Cee Paul said:


> _"And then some people really do find their perfect partner. My hats off to them. It is a rare occurance, IMO."_
> 
> I have to agree with you. And back when we were in high school I remember this couple dating throughout our junior and senior years who were a very good match back then, so it really was not a surprise to me when I ran into them on Facebook and found out they'd been married for *32 years* now with 2 beautiful kids. To me that is.................TRUE LOVE!


 We were like that.. 

Our 2nd son has been with the same girl since age 14, they are in Band, Cross country/ Track & go to Youth group together ...it will be 2 yrs in a few months... no drama...this is so not the norm for teens. 

It's too early to tell of course... On their 1st anniversary, she handed him 9 pages of >>
*"365 reasons why I love you my dear _______"* hand written.....he was blown away... He let me read that.. it took me back in time...some were so darn funny.... and so much >> ALL HIS DAD... they are "very obviously" both *Hopeless Romantics*... which is WHY I feel it has a decent chance of lasting...so much in common... including their Love languages...

I've told these 2.... if they EVER break up (if they make it to the College yrs...this will be the Test of FIRE)....they had better NEVER hook up on FaceBook yrs later ....as this has been an AMAZING "*1st love*" ...They are both very responsible, level headed, good grades... 

He has earned a lot of trust with her family, they include him on many family outings... We also adore her.... my husband tells him they don't make girls like that anymore - to hang on to her. 

We won't discourage "young love" since we found it ourselves.. ...though I do believe it's awfully rare these days. 

We're hoping these 2 make it.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> ...high school...couple dating...ran into them on Facebook and found out they'd been married for *32 years* now with 2 beautiful kids. To me that is.................TRUE LOVE!


I don't automatically equate that as true love. Just because they are still together doesn't mean it's been "true love". Maybe it has been great...maybe it's been okay....maybe it's be crap, but like many others, they stayed together for the kids....either way, just because they are still together, doesn't mean this is "true love". People stick it out for all kinds of reasons, evident throughout this forum.

Also, you can truly love someone and still break up. You may have truly loved your ex but the relationship had too many problems, etc. I can relate to that.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

tulsy said:


> I don't automatically equate that as true love. Just because they are still together doesn't mean it's been "true love". Maybe it has been great...maybe it's been okay....maybe it's be crap, but like many others, they stayed together for the kids....either way, just because they are still together, doesn't mean this is "true love". People stick it out for all kinds of reasons, evident throughout this forum.
> 
> Also, you can truly love someone and still break up. You may have truly loved your ex but the relationship had too many problems, etc. I can relate to that.


Every time I read an explanation like this, I have to wonder what the definition of "True love" is to the person giving the explanation. Among other evidences I see throughout this forum is a very wide range of definitions of "True love," many of which I think are unrealistic. The last paragraph is puzzling to me as well, at least if we're talking about mutual participation in the relationship, it is.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I believe *True love* is when you lay your head to sleep at night and you have a sense of thankfulness/ gratitude for your spouse in your heart... on your lips.....you long to talk to them, hold them, caress them and give to them... because it fulfills something inside of us ..to do for the ones we love...and when this is reciprocated , there is no greater High, no greater blessing on this earth. 

Not love that is compelled - hanging by a marriage certificate tucked in a drawer where 2 live like roommates....because of appearances.... because of having children together.... It will always be something you carry & treasure in your ...it may ebb & flow at times of course ...but you long & would climb the nearest mountain to get back to this feeling of Union, of "ONE" with your beloved.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

With this wife, I wrote down a list of the things I wanted in a wife for the first time in my life, along with the deal-breakers.

That list did the job. Duh!


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

tulsy said:


> I don't automatically equate that as true love. Just because they are still together doesn't mean it's been "true love". Maybe it has been great...maybe it's been okay....maybe it's be crap, but like many others, they stayed together for the kids....either way, just because they are still together, doesn't mean this is "true love". People stick it out for all kinds of reasons, evident throughout this forum.
> 
> Also, you can truly love someone and still break up. You may have truly loved your ex but the relationship had too many problems, etc. I can relate to that.


Disagree 100%, because these two people are now 48 years old and first met at "16" years so the odds of making it were highly stacked against them. But if you can somehow stay together through all the many many changes in your teens - 20's - 30's - and are married and still going strong in your late 40's; it takes TRUE LOVE to make that happen. Because most teenie bopper romances or most people who date in college rarely stand the test of time and stay together forever - kids or no kids.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I believe *True love* is when you lay your head to sleep at night and you have a sense of thankfulness/ gratitude for your spouse in your heart... on your lips.....you long to talk to them, hold them, caress them and give to them... because it fulfills something inside of us ..to do for the ones we love...and when this is reciprocated , there is no greater High, no greater blessing on this earth.


This made me smile and think of SO.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

shy_guy said:


> Every time I read an explanation like this, I have to wonder what the definition of "True love" is to the person giving the explanation. Among other evidences I see throughout this forum is a very wide range of definitions of "True love," many of which I think are unrealistic. The last paragraph is puzzling to me as well, at least if we're talking about mutual participation in the relationship, it is.


Well, for me, the definition of "true love" certainly isn't just sticking it out for 35 years. Plenty of people stick it out when they shouldn't. For some, that seems to be an indicator of true love, that they are still together....so ya, we differ in that respect.

I don't see what's so puzzling about still loving a person but not wanting to stay married to them. Love isn't always enough. Plenty of people love their spouse who hurts them. Even if they break up, they can still have feelings for the person. I guess if you haven't experienced that you may not be able to relate. 



Cee Paul said:


> Disagree 100%, because these two people are now 48 years old and first met at "16" years so the odds of making it were highly stacked against them. But if you can somehow stay together through all the many many changes in your teens - 20's - 30's - and are married and still going strong in your late 40's; it takes TRUE LOVE to make that happen. Because most teenie bopper romances or most people who date in college rarely stand the test of time and stay together forever - kids or no kids.


I still don't agree with that. My parents are still married, 40yrs this August, but it isn't "true love" that kept them together. There is nothing romantic, no common interest, plenty of fighting, plenty of secrets, etc. I know people who have stayed married for financial reasons. I know arranged marriages in Canada that have lasted for well over 20 years, and they are more like brother and sister. I know some women who will NEVER leave their husbands, regardless of what chit he has pulled. They would rather remain unhappy and treated like crap for the rest of their lives then to suffer the stigma of divorce.

Nelson Mandela was married for 38 years. They were married for 10 years, stayed married for another 28 years while he was in prison....you would have thought it was true love...gets out of prison and finds her cheating, gets divorced and remarried.

Staying together for the duration of your marriage does not automatically mean you have "true love". Maybe they do, maybe the don't, just saying IMO "true love" is more than just staying married.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

tulsy said:


> Staying together for the duration of your marriage does not automatically mean you have "true love". Maybe they do, maybe the don't, just saying IMO "true love" is more than just staying married.


It's true....MOST are not exactly spreading their dirty laundry outside their front door..and many would be utterly SHOCKED that some sleep in separate beds, fight like cats & dogs, live in a perpetual silent rage - rug sweeping and all sorts of hurtful behaviors that might have led to being NUMB even to each other while finding other outlets to cope.....and carry the marriage through....

It may have been Love at one time as in most beginnings.... but for whatever reason, one or both has allowed it to slowly die...







...it has been tainted... tattered...the divide growing....depending on how stubborn & UNworkable a couple is....it can lead to depression & needing meds just to cope & get through the day.

How some can stay in these type marriages, I would not begin to understand...I'd want to blow the roof off the house... having someone I can "get along with" -thrive with ...is far too important to me...and for that matter...everyone else who has to put up with me!

I have a woman friend who is married to a man who treats her very poorly...I'd even call it "emotional abuse"...... I know she is not happy, she openly shares her struggle with me... she stays for the kids...her outlet....she throws herself into many christian projects, keeps busy helping other people ..this keeps her feeling connected...but there is nothing at home...but maybe "duty".... I just know she will stay till the very end. I find it very sad.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

tulsy said:


> Well, for me, the definition of "true love" certainly isn't just sticking it out for 35 years. Plenty of people stick it out when they shouldn't. For some, that seems to be an indicator of true love, that they are still together....so ya, we differ in that respect.
> 
> I don't see what's so puzzling about still loving a person but not wanting to stay married to them. Love isn't always enough. Plenty of people love their spouse who hurts them. Even if they break up, they can still have feelings for the person. I guess if you haven't experienced that you may not be able to relate.
> 
> ...


I guess I am speaking for the generation x people that have come up over let's say the past 25 years or so, where the divorce rate is extremely high - women are able to make a lot more money now - and people are just far less tolerable of each other. My parents were married for 58 years before my mom passed, but they came from that era where you find a mate when you're young and you stay with them come hell or high water.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Definitely no such thing as a perfect match. Even if you marry someone you are deeply in love with, that love will change over time and it will cause problems in marriages. Day to day life is challenging and even someone you really loved can become so annoying. Honestly, my first marriage was proof to me that perfect matches don't exist. You have to be mature to accept a person for who they are through the good and the bad. In this marriage, I am much more accepting of my husband's faults and he is of mine. This makes us not build up resentment and we can work through our issues. 

All the romance stories convince us of a happily ever after, but really, happily ever after in reality is making it through all the storms and being able to say to your spouse that you truly loved the journey.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

No, love is not enough to sustain a marriage.

I found my love - but he was an alcoholic. We didn't make it, though I still love him and remember him fondly.

I "settled" for the relationship I am in now and it has lasted over 22 years. It hasn't always been happy, and it nearly collapsed recently, but I have grown to love him more over the years, rather than less.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Cee Paul said:


> I guess I am speaking for the generation x people that have come up over let's say the past 25 years or so, where the divorce rate is extremely high - women are able to make a lot more money now - and people are just far less tolerable of each other. My parents were married for 58 years before my mom passed, but they came from that era where you find a mate when you're young and you stay with them come hell or high water.


We need more Stories like these today>>

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/85537-true-inspiration.html - They just rarely make the head lines ...



dsGrazzl3D said:


> Thought this would be perfect here;
> 
> 
> 
> ...





> SimplyAmorous said: Gordon and Norma Yeager married 72 yrs die an hour apart holding hands | Mail Online
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Sorry Simply Amorous but I believe those days are over simply because.........times have changed, and the world is a lot more tainted now and there are many more distractions to throw the whole thing off course. And in the old days most women HAD to rely on a man and a marriage to work in order to survive, but now there's women like my wife who have high paying careers going for them and can stand on their own two feet with - or without a man. Not to mention people are far less tolerant of each other nowadays and we live in a "bail out" type of society now.


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

I don't believe in soulmates. I met and married someone I felt attraction and affection for, who had similar values and goals (I think SA did a great job of describing what she was looking for), and also that I felt comfortable with. We just felt right to me. I used my head and my heart.

The problem with thinking there is 1 person who is the perfect match or a soulmate is that after the wedding it's assumed everything will be bliss. Instead, a marriage needs effort by both people to nurture it and make is continue to grow. 

My kids were having the whole family and friends take the Myers-Brigg personality test last week. My H is an ESFJ. My girls said, awwwww, when I was listed as a good mate for him as an INFP. Polar opposites in almost all categories, but same goals and values. We just work together.


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## broomgirl (Jun 23, 2013)

OP, I get your dilemma. 

My relationship is comfortable, in the sense that we live in a nice house, with a garden, and both earn good salaries. We rarely ever fight, and have many common interests (like TV shows, music, books, etc). In short, we are good companions for each other.

And yet... the flipside of this, is that the relationship (from my POV) can at times be dull and lacking in passion. My SO isn't interested in travel (I am) or going out and socialising. He also has a lower drive, meaning we don't sleep together much. In some ways, our relationship is more like brother and sister than lovers. And I do wonder if there's someone else out there who would be a better match for me (and someone else who'd be a better match for him too!)

It really is a tough situation. The thought of breaking off a comfortable relationship makes me uneasy - what if I'm making a terrible mistake? What if no other man will want me and I end up alone and sad, regretting my stupid decision? On the other hand, the thought of continuing down this path also gives me great unease. I know if we get married, there'll always be a part of me wondering "what if?"...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Cee Paul said:


> Sorry Simply Amorous but I believe those days are over simply because.........times have changed, and the world is a lot more tainted now and there are many more distractions to throw the whole thing off course. And in the old days most women HAD to rely on a man and a marriage to work in order to survive, but now there's women like my wife who have high paying careers going for them and can stand on their own two feet with - or without a man. Not to mention people are far less tolerant of each other nowadays and we live in a "bail out" type of society now.


I see what you are saying... but "die hard Romantics" still do exist... I swear on the life of our children Cee Paul... we are LIKE THAT!! ... I only make about $3,000 a year (a few insignificant side jobs, never cared about a career)....it's never hurt us financially either...and I've never "looked over the fence" wanting someone else. 

Something I tried to aspire to as a wife is the "*Proverbs 31* *woman*".... I'd say I am a bit more FEISTY than her... but it's a beautiful model to me. 

I am basically just a content SAH Mom & wife... I highly respect my husband... and we are both "Older Fashioned" in many many ways...to how we handle our money, how we view , *Romance* and  (except we do like Porn ).... and crazy as it sounds our kids are a lot like us....

My husband said one day not long ago... he hopes we are not setting *UNrealistic expectations* for THEIR marriages someday....Because you are right, chances are the wife will work -things are so rushed, the world is just not the same.. 

He has referred to me as his "*soul mate*" many times.. it's not like I am going to conk him on the head for that... we both feel that way...even though I would argue against the concept -- and have a # of times on this forum even... >> 
Post #4 here is the argument... 

But we don't live in the big City.. we are country people, this too may make a bit of a difference in our outlook...


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Holland said:


> Settling is what I did when I was 14, it is not something that intelligent, mature adults should do. *Life is too short to waste on a relationship that does not challenge you , is full of love and passion and brings you untold happiness.
> 
> I enjoy being single so would never just settle for the sake of being in a relationship but then again I have never been short of men chasing me so have always had plenty of choice.*
> 
> ...


Agree 100%. 
One would think that people would not settle when it comes to relationships, but for whatever reason, they do just that.
Maybe they're lonely, maybe they're desperate, who knows for sure, but whatever the reason, I think doing it could make you more lonely than if you had stayed single (generic you). 




Wiserforit said:


> With this wife, I wrote down a list of the things I wanted in a wife for the first time in my life, along with the deal-breakers.
> 
> That list did the job. Duh!


I did the same thing, except it was my husband.
To some it may seem unromantic, but I knew what I wanted & wasn't going to settle until I found what I wanted.
I see people putting more effort into buying a car than in seeking a mate.
Which seems counterintuitive, the car can't cheat on you, take all your money, your kids & leave you with nothing.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

It was nice for once to read a thread that made me smile and laugh a couple times  So for any who feel they settled on someone, does that feeling grow stronger and stronger ? And does that feeling cause resentment/anger/unhappiness?


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

I should have re-phrased that and not said "perfect" match, but maybe someone who matches up with you a lot stronger than your current spouse or significant other does. I have already said that I have come across at least two women in my lifetime that I felt matched up with me extremely well and I had crushes on, but one was already married with two kids and the other one was a lesbian. Both of them were attractive, funny with a silly sense of humor, loved sports, easy going, and were intelligent as well; all things that I crave in a woman that I would love to marry for life.

My wife is attractive and intelligent so she only scored 2 out of 5 on that wish list of mine which to me means that I........."settled".


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

I guess I am far from being ready to date again, for me I have one requirement , she has a pulse


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Soveryalone said:


> I guess I am far from being ready to date again, for me I have one requirement , she has a pulse


Hang in there dude - someone that will be good for you is on their way(might be a month or might be a year).


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

hehe Thanks I was only halfway kidding , I think ? I am actually extremely picky, but kindness and intelligence are extremely important to me


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

CeePaul, since the 2 women you've met whom you felt were more matched to you but were both unavailable, maybe that has more to do with you than with them.
Maybe it was their unavailability that made them more attractive to you because you knew you couldn't follow through with a relationship with either of them & it was safer to think "what if?"
Almost like a relationship fantasy that had no chance of becoming reality & that's why it's difficult to find what you think is your true match.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

So I guess if you and your spouse have a happy healthy relationship any shortcomings you or he/she have are openly discussed? for example " my wife is attractive and funny but isn't very intelligent" not sure how that one would go over, but you get the drift? And cant other people in your life, friends , some of their qualities fill in the cracks? For example if your spouse doesn't like to travel but you have a friend that loves it, perhaps you go on a vacation with the friend? Or if your spouse doesn't like watching football but you are obsessed with it and so are your friends, go be with them ? If you or your spouse are on different wave lengths sexually though, don't go have sex with a friend, that probably will cause some drama


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> CeePaul, since the 2 women you've met whom you felt were more matched to you but were both unavailable, maybe that has more to do with you than with them.
> Maybe it was their unavailability that made them more attractive to you because you knew you couldn't follow through with a relationship with either of them & it was safer to think "what if?"
> Almost like a relationship fantasy that had no chance of becoming reality & that's why it's difficult to find what you think is your true match.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If someone settles then they do need to look inward as to why. Instead of blaming the other person for the dysfunctional, unfulfilling relationship they need to look at why they did not think more of themselves and just settled.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> CeePaul, since the 2 women you've met whom you felt were more matched to you but were both unavailable, maybe that has more to do with you than with them.
> Maybe it was their unavailability that made them more attractive to you because you knew you couldn't follow through with a relationship with either of them & it was safer to think "what if?"
> Almost like a relationship fantasy that had no chance of becoming reality & that's why it's difficult to find what you think is your true match.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not it at all; I just simply hit it off really really well with those two women and are still friends with them today on Facebook. I even had the lesbian chick tell me that if it weren't for her total attraction to women that she would have tried to hook up with me way back then(she's a co-worker from 12 years ago), because she said that I have a lot of qualities that she liked and we got along so well.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Soveryalone said:


> So I guess if you and your spouse have a happy healthy relationship any shortcomings you or he/she have are openly discussed? for example " my wife is attractive and funny but isn't very intelligent" not sure how that one would go over, but you get the drift? And cant other people in your life, friends , some of their qualities fill in the cracks? For example if your spouse doesn't like to travel but you have a friend that loves it, perhaps you go on a vacation with the friend? Or if your spouse doesn't like watching football but you are obsessed with it and so are your friends, go be with them ? If you or your spouse are on different wave lengths sexually though, don't go have sex with a friend, that probably will cause some drama


First off I rarely get to see my friends anymore unless it does involve watching a football game, or playing a round of golf like I did yesterday morning. Secondly if I went anywhere fun without my wife she would cop an attitude and be pissed the entire week, but her and I have taken alot of vacations and had alot of fun doing that type stuff before. And as far as vanilla sex that I rarely get anymore, I'm not a cheating man so I guess I am screwed on that part and have to rely on solo sex with a good porn movie in the mean time.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Cee Paul said:


> I should have re-phrased that and not said "perfect" match, but maybe someone who matches up with you a lot stronger than your current spouse or significant other does. I have already said that I have come across at least two women in my lifetime that I felt matched up with me extremely well and I had crushes on, but one was already married with two kids and the other one was a lesbian. Both of them were attractive, funny with a silly sense of humor, loved sports, easy going, and were intelligent as well; all things that I crave in a woman that I would love to marry for life.
> 
> My wife is attractive and intelligent so she only scored 2 out of 5 on that wish list of mine which to me means that I........."settled".


Really? A good looking, smart woman and yet YOU settled? You who said dead military shouldn't be given their due on television because it infringed on your REALITY t.v viewing. It pissed you off royally that planes were landing and bodies of dead soldiers were shown on t.v. In your ACTUAL words "Enough already, we get it. You died. Get over yourselves. You didn't even bother to spell that quip correctly, I cleaned it up for you. 

2 out of 5 for your wife? You have no idea how much more you said about yourself.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Really? A good looking, smart woman and yet YOU settled? You who said dead military shouldn't be given their due on television because it infringed on your REALITY t.v viewing. It pissed you off royally that planes were landing and bodies of dead soldiers were shown on t.v. In your ACTUAL words "Enough already, we get it. You died. Get over yourselves. You didn't even bother to spell that quip correctly, I cleaned it up for you.
> 
> 2 out of 5 for your wife? You have no idea how much more you said about yourself.


Well as far as the whole soldiers coming home thing I never said that I didn't appreciate it or didn't like it, but simply meant that we were being over flooded with all of these reunions and that the media was going overboard as they usually do with everything.

As far as being intelligent and attractive goes, what if being rude and nasty went along with that as well as someone who withholds sex and uses it as a weapon. I know I know, next thing you'll do is blame it all on me and give my wife a 100% pass and say she's completely innocent. 

And whatever that all "says about me" is fine, but just remember people are also judging what you are posting as well and probably have some negative thoughts about you too.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

CeePaul, what part of the country do you live in? I'm in WA, literally across the highway from a major military base & unfortunately there is barely any mention of our service members being KIA.
I was curious because I hear all too often that there is not enough coverage so it's interesting to know where there is coverage.
Hell, there are people who think the war is over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NatashaAngel (Jul 29, 2013)

First 10 years I would say we were the perfect match. Last 6 not so sure. His daughter came back into his life (ex took off with kids when we first got married). First fights happened soon after and now we just don't discuss his handling of her situations. He used to listen to me business-wise too. I work as bookkeeper for family business. Now, my suggestions fall on deaf ears or cause out bursts from him. But I have everything tied up in one basket so to speak. Home, work, and husband. Will lose all if decide to make changes in one.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I just saw this story similar to SA's. The couple was married 75 years and died one day apart. 

http://www.today.com/news/lifetime-love-couple-married-75-years-dies-day-apart-6C10786498


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> CeePaul, what part of the country do you live in? I'm in WA, literally across the highway from a major military base & unfortunately there is barely any mention of our service members being KIA.
> I was curious because I hear all too often that there is not enough coverage so it's interesting to know where there is coverage.
> Hell, there are people who think the war is over.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you all not get CNN or the local news in that town then, because that's where these are all being repeatedly shown?


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> Do you all not get CNN or the local news in that town then, because that's where these are all being repeatedly shown?


We get CNN, but I never see anything about killed service members & even our local stations don't cover the deaths that often.
Though occasionally I do see the CNN update when they scroll the total number of deaths since the start of the wars. 
If it wasn't for my FB News Feed, I wouldn't know about the recent deaths in A-Stan.
When we lived in GA, I did notice the local news carried more military related news, it's not the case here.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

As much as humans grow and change, your "perfect match" at some point may not be your "perfect match" at others. 

I married someone who ignited my spark. It hasn't always been good---( right now we're separated and on the way to divorce but he wants to reconcile and I'm just choosing me) 

But he can still ignite the spark. Damn him. But I fight it. Have to be objective.

60% match is pretty good. Being comfortable is good, imo.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

southbound said:


> I just saw this story similar to SA's. The couple was married 75 years and died one day apart.
> 
> Lifetime of love: Couple married 75 years die a day apart - TODAY.com





> *They really enjoyed each other’s company*,” Les Jr. said.* “They were really inseparable and were never apart."*
> 
> *That bond was so strong that neither Les nor Helen wanted to live without each other, though they knew that the end might be imminent. *
> 
> ...


I read this in the article...pretty much the stories like this...they all seem to be " inseparable"...they have differences.. and true to form....it always seems to add >> "what one lacked, the other made up for"... All that in blue is how me & my husband ARE, we've always been.......somehow we enjoy the ball & chain  ... Never want it broken. 

Biggest fear in life for us both.....is at the end -if God gives us another 25+ yrs (I pray) .... neither will want to go on alone without the other...Just *the thought* (I am such a mushy sap!) can bring me to tears with Breads's " Everything I Own " playing in the background.

This is funny...I just walked in the other room to get a kleenex cause of that darn song... I guess I made a little ruckus shutting a drawer...he is sitting in the other room with the kids watching TV and he says ... "hey what's going on in there , I hear a bull in a china shop"- now he is making fun of me cause of that noise...I was getting all mushy... now I am laughing.....I'd miss how he makes fun of me something fierce !


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> We get CNN, but I never see anything about killed service members & even our local stations don't cover the deaths that often.
> Though occasionally I do see the CNN update when they scroll the total number of deaths since the start of the wars.
> If it wasn't for my FB News Feed, I wouldn't know about the recent deaths in A-Stan.
> When we lived in GA, I did notice the local news carried more military related news, it's not the case here.


Just last weekend on CNN(which shows the same story lines nation wide)there was a story of a soldier who dressed up in some mascot outfit at a game somewhere, and then pops out and surprises the wife and kid. To me those are just dramatic time fillers setup by the networks themselves.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> As far as being intelligent and attractive goes, what if being rude and nasty went along with that as well as someone who withholds sex and uses it as a weapon. I know I know, next thing you'll do is blame it all on me and give my wife a 100% pass and say she's completely innocent.


If you're telling others that your wife is a booby prize then she'd have to be a moron not to see it/feel it herself. People generally don't like having sex with that kind of attitude. 

I'm so damned grateful for mine.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

southbound said:


> I just saw this story similar to SA's. The couple was married 75 years and died one day apart.
> 
> Lifetime of love: Couple married 75 years die a day apart - TODAY.com


Awww I saw that the other day and sent the article to SO it was the sweetest thing. Too bad how they died though
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> If you're telling others that your wife is a booby prize then she'd have to be a moron not to see it/feel it herself. People generally don't like having sex with that kind of attitude.
> 
> I'm so damned grateful for mine.


Deep down I do love my wife and do bend over backwards to make her happy, but all I'm saying is that if we were all able to re-invent our spouses I'm sure there would be quite a few improvements made(on both sides).


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

There are no improvements I would make with Mr H, I love him to pieces. All of him, mind body and soul.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Holland said:


> There are no improvements I would make with Mr H, I love him to pieces. All of him, mind body and soul.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And this is great to hear and pretty rare in most cases; and before you disagree with me or say I'm wrong, just remember that 90% of this same website we're all on is all about people who are NOT happy with their spouses or their significant others.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> And this is great to hear and pretty rare in most cases; and before you disagree with me or say I'm wrong, just remember that 90% of this same website we're all on is all about people who are NOT happy with their spouses or their significant others.


Yes but I am talking about me and Mr H. If I was talking about me and my ex then it would be a small list but top of the list would be that I wish he was into sex, could communicate and was a stronger man.

Yes lots of people are here because they are unhappy, I originally came here to seek advice and support both of which i found in abundance.

But back to Mr H, we are a brilliant match because we challenge, respect, excite and simple adore each other. I might be strange (yes I am) because even things like snoring do not bother me, in fact I snuggle up closer when he snores because I love to know he is there next to me.

We have disagreements and we have had some huge challenges but we communicate in a mature and respectful way. I don't have any desire to change anything about him, he would not be him then.


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## whitecat (May 17, 2013)

Holland said:


> Yes but I am talking about me and Mr H. If I was talking about me and my ex then it would be a small list but top of the list would be that I wish he was into sex, could communicate and was a stronger man.
> 
> Yes lots of people are here because they are unhappy, I originally came here to seek advice and support both of which i found in abundance.
> 
> ...


Yes, I can relate! When you are head over heels in love even things that would annoy other people are charming and cute. I love it when my H snores. It sounds like a little saw, and it makes me giggle, and then I'm overcome by his cuteness so I have to snuggle up against his back. (But I will admit that on occasion when it gets too loud I do put on some earplugs so I can sleep too).


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Holland said:


> Yes but I am talking about me and Mr H. If I was talking about me and my ex then it would be a small list but top of the list would be that I wish he was into sex, could communicate and was a stronger man.
> 
> Yes lots of people are here because they are unhappy, I originally came here to seek advice and support both of which i found in abundance.
> 
> ...


We were head over heels in love and all excited about each other too........the first 3 years, but since then things took an ugly turn somehow and many nasty and personal shots have been fired. So now we still love each other but we're just basically trying to get along and survive.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> We were head over heels in love and all excited about each other too........the first 3 years, but since then things took an ugly turn somehow and many nasty and personal shots have been fired. So now we still love each other but we're just basically trying to get along and survive.


Something tells me it was something very specific that caused the 'ugly turn'. Neither of you are willing to let it go, so here you are.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Something tells me it was something very specific that caused the 'ugly turn'. Neither of you are willing to let it go, so here you are.


Oh it was a number of things like - job stress(she made an upward career move), we had a sick animal that we recently put down, family stress, and when I finally voted against going forward and having kids after several years of trying this REALLY pissed her off.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> Oh it was a number of things like - job stress(she made an upward career move), we had a sick animal that we recently put down, family stress, and when I finally voted against going forward and having kids after several years of trying this REALLY pissed her off.


All of this happened in year 4?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She wanted kids but couldn't (  infertility sucks) and now she can't/isn't going to have children because you said so.

I'd be pissed too. That would be a huge turning point for me in how I felt about my mate.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And staying together come hell or high water is lame in some cases.

My grandparents were married 63ish years.

And in those years my grandfather beat the shet out of my grandmother, cheated, lied, was a drunk....She couldn't leave with 4 kids, no money of her own, and basically never had a job or lived on her own.

DO you think people should put up with that just to get a high count on marriage years? If my grams was here and posting we would ALL tell her to leave. Divorce. 

So...good for people who are truly happy and are married long. But for the other who "stuck it out" because that's just what they did, I feel sorry that they wasted their lives like that.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> Everyone out there wants to find a one true love that is THEE perfect match for us, and to live happily ever after once we find them. Buuuut it doesn't always work out that way and sometimes we just simply _settle_ on a comfortable situation, but in our hearts still feel there's probably someone out there in the world who matches up 1,000 times better but you got tired of looking.
> 
> So please be honest with your answers; did you find that 100% perfect match or did you just find a "comfortable situation" and married them instead?


I guess that depends on what you men by "100% perfect match". My husband and I have had some issues in our marriage, as I think every marriage has. Namely with meeting emotional needs. However, through communication and strong efforts we've made progress, though we aren't even close to where we need and hope to be. 

But, that has been the only major issue in our marriage. We agree on politics, religion, sex, morals, work, money, health and fitness...Do we match up totally without any issues whatsoever? No. But that's not realistic or obtainable for anyone. We do, however, love each other very, very much, we desire each other in many different ways, we're still best friends, and we would rather be around each other than anyone else. 

So, no, I didn't settle with just a "comfortable situation". I'd marry him again if I could.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I made a list as a teen with all the qualities I wanted in a potential husband. Some things weren't on there(sex and communication and meeting emotional needs) because I didn't know they would be important yet, but my DH matches every single thing I wrote on that list, right on down to the instruments he plays. 

And while we're not 100% matched, I do think that we will get awfully close to it within the next few years. I believe that he and I were meant to be together.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Cee Paul said:


> Oh it was a number of things like - job stress(she made an upward career move), we had a sick animal that we recently put down, family stress, *and when I finally voted against going forward and having kids after several years of trying this REALLY pissed her off.*


We went through almost 7 years trying (after our 1st son) ...my husband was my ROCK during that time of unanswered prayers and worry over our future.. he went with me for every Test he could.. would have held my hand during the surgery if he was allowed...to explore what the problem was....

... he would never have done that....We were in this together, those were our dreams... had he changed his mind mid stream, putting up a GATE of "my way or the highway... resentment would have eaten me alive... I probably would have left him even... Can't imagine how hard that would be... if she wanted kids as badly as I did ...anyway.. 

Just saying...from the perspective of one who was looking specifically for a man who wanted kids/ family....that was a shared dream- when we said our " I Do's".


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> We were head over heels in love and all excited about each other too........the first 3 years, but since then things took an ugly turn somehow and many nasty and personal shots have been fired. So now we still love each other but we're just basically trying to get along and survive.


An unhappy marriage is a crappy place to be, BTDT and never again for me. Ex and I were together just on 20 years, stayed for the kids yadda yadda. I know how miserable a bad marriage can be. I still like my ex though, we have remained friends.

Life is short mate, fix it or move on. Just surviving is not good, no one can be happy that way. I hope you find some peace with your marriage or move on and find the happiness that you both deserve.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> All of this happened in year 4?


In years 4 through 7(so over the past three years or so).


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

that_girl said:


> She wanted kids but couldn't (  infertility sucks) and now she can't/isn't going to have children because you said so.
> 
> I'd be pissed too. That would be a huge turning point for me in how I felt about my mate.


The whole story is that I was gung ho and all on board with having 1 or 2 kids in the beginning and so was she, but then she revealed that she had a condition that she found out about in her late 20's way before we met where her body doesn't dispense eggs. So the agreement was that we would use no birth control for the first year and see what happens, and I had already been checked out and was producing about 36 million sperm which was more than enough to get her pregnant. But after we had no luck with that we moved onto fertility treatments at $1,200 a pop(insurance didn't cover it), so after 3 rounds of those a year later we still had no good news at all. Then we checked into adoption and had certain wants and needs for this child(no more than 2 years old & either white or hispanic), but we found the search to be a hard one and most legit places want anywhere from $500 to $800 for a processing fee that is non refundable. And after trying that process out for about a year with no luck both of us were not getting any younger, and I was 45 and she was 39 when we then had that long "talk" that if by age 46 nothing had happened that I was bailing out on the idea. So here it is a year and half later and at age 47+ I have no energy or patience left to start fatherhood at this point, and that's where we currently stand...........


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