# After a 5 weeks breakup NC, I realize I want to share my life with her



## LostinUS (Jul 28, 2012)

Hello ladies,

Just a quick background: I originally posted my situation with my ex-girlfriend in the Men's Clubhouse (Feeling at Fault with the Breakup) about a month ago. Yeah, I was afraid to come to your Forum mainly because I needed to feel validated or convinced that I wasn't making a bad decision by letting her go by the fellas. But I know that's not fair, nor completely realistic. There's two sides! And that's kinda what I've come to the realization and the reason for this post.


I've had 5 weeks to think about her, our relationship and most importantly me!

I've been working with my therapist for the last month and I've learned a lot about my co-dependencies, my fear of commitment, being avoidant sometimes and mediocre communication.

I'm improving myself and no matter what happens, I want to be a better man, a better HUSBAND for the whomever next woman in my life.

I thought a lot about how she and I MISUNDERSTOOD each other and if I would have communicated more and/or better, maybe I wouldn't be in this mess?!?
And 5 weeks later, I know I still love her.

I contacted/ texted her for the first time last night after 5 weeks of NC. We have a storm heading to Texas, and I told her I was thinking of her and her kids, especially the youngest who is scared of storms and I hope she'll be ok. I honestly did not expect a response and I said the heck with NC rules and that she might laugh at my "desperate" text. I just wanted to send it because I really cared for her and the kids.

She responded a couple hrs later with a thank you for thinking of us, we'll be fine, and hope you and your kids are safe too.

The storm worsened today as it's heading this way and I want nothing more but to offer help, protection, to hold her in my arms and reassure her daughter it will be ok.

I truly miss them, and I just don't know what to do moving forward. I'm second guessing myself as to what she might think if I reach out again. I don't want to annoy her or seem desperate. I don't want to push her away. 

And I know the real important question I need to be asking or saying has nothing to do with this storm. There's so much I want to tell her that I failed to say when we broke up ( she initiated the breakup, but basically said that it was what I wanted, not her). She felt our issues were workable and I never expressed how I felt, my boundaries, etc. well enough to her to know if it was truly workable.

What do I do?


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Start out keeping it simple. Just text her, "I miss you."
And take it from there. If there is a future with her and her family, the conversation you want to have will begin to come naturally. If there is no future, you should get the hint pretty quickly from her replies (or lack there of).

Good luck...


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Why would you want to go back to the same relationship when you know it doesn't work? Do you truly miss the relationship with her, or are you just lonely and maybe a little low on self-esteem? If you knew that she, and the relationship as a whole, was never going to change from what it was, would you still want to be with her? Because the dating phase, and the first two years or so, are the best a relationship is ever likely to be. Were you happy with it, just as it was?

This is your second breakup in 2 years or so, correct? That's a red flag. 

You two were supposed to live together, but that fell through. That's a red flag. And something that many relationships don't recover from. 

She was still divorcing when you two began dating, which means you're her rebound relationship. That's another red flag. Was this also a rebound relationship for you? 

It appears she took zero time to really heal, grow as a person, and do an honest personal de-brief on her last relationship before jumping into one with you. Red flag. It may also mean that she lacks the ability to be happy alone and is looking for a partner to make her happy, which is a fool's errand. And another red flag.

She seems to have unrealistic expectations regarding being a priority over your children. That's a huge red flag.

She controlling and she blames you almost entirely for everything that goes wrong in the relationship. Red flag.

The two of you don't communicate well, you have differing conflict styles, and you appear to have some cultural/family-of-origin issues that create incompatibility. All red flags.

You admittedly changed to suit her and resented her for that. RED flag. 


It's clear the two of you have some major issues. You're in therapy and working on making yourself into a better man. I would encourage you to keep doing that. Find your passions, become the man you really want to be, learn to love yourself and to make yourself happy. Once you're truly emotionally healthy, you'll be in a much better position to attract and keep a woman who is also emotionally healthy. I'm sorry to say, though, that I don't believe that's your ex-girlfriend. There are just a whole lot of incompatible points between you, and a bunch of red flags.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Rowan said:


> Why would you want to go back to the same relationship when you know it doesn't work? Do you truly miss the relationship with her, or are you just lonely and maybe a little low on self-esteem? If you knew that she, and the relationship as a whole, was never going to change from what it was, would you still want to be with her? Because the dating phase, and the first two years or so, are the best a relationship is ever likely to be. Were you happy with it, just as it was?
> 
> This is your second breakup in 2 years or so, correct? That's a red flag.
> 
> ...


An excellent post. Factual and hard hitting. You did your homework.... A+


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

You're codependent yet want to rush back into a codependent relationship?

You're using the storm as an excuse to free fall into these wild fantasies of holding and protecting her, as if getting back together magically erases the reasons why you broke up in the first place.

And there are kids involved. For heavens sake your relationship is the foundation from which they will spring forth and grow, if it's toxic you zipping in and out of their lives won't help at all.


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## LostinUS (Jul 28, 2012)

Holy smokes. Is there really that many red flags? I guess my biggest issue is, how far off is my perspective of her? She did complain that she felt that when I sometimes made decisions with my kids or family, that I wasn't including her in the beginning of those ideas or plans, so she felt a very distant second. I would include her in those plans, just sometimes not part of the plan making, if that makes sense. I wasn't trying to be mean or anything.
Of course, sometimes she would get upset when it had to do things beyond my control.

She knows she has insecurity and abandonment issues. I would want her and I to go back to counseling to make things work. And if she's not up for it, than I'm doing it alone, on my own.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Relationships suck. I was on cloud 9 for a long time and then a bombshell landed in my lap. Read my latest thread if you don't know my story.

If I were you, I'd start dating other women and enjoy being single. I can't quite yet pull the trigger and kick her out of my life, so I'm not where you are yet. I wish I was 5 weeks out from my crapstorm. I wish I was 5 weeks NC/single, like you.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

LostinUS said:


> What do I do?


Stay NC. And don't ever break it again, because NC will be the one thing that helps you to get past this. You may always love her, but you won't hurt like you do right now, if you stay NC. I don't care if a tsunami is coming. lol


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