# How do I get beyond my affair?



## Dawson (Oct 14, 2010)

Hello, I have been married for 15 years. I disclosed an affair to my wife recently. Having an affair was the dumbest decision of my life to date and I have made that clear. My wife is understandably upset and has shut down the paths of communication. I am trying to be empathetic and give her the distance she needs. I'm genuinely filled with regret - I would go so far as to call it self-detesting now. I just don't know how to proceed in trying to save the marriage. I feel powerless to effect any positive change.

Some years ago she cheated on me. As I recall, I did the groundwork to preserve the marriage, going out of my way to understand why she had done what she had. Even so, I ended up feeling as though the problem was almost all mine. But it seemed as I remember it at the time easier for me to put a line under it in order to preserve our marriage.

I have been on both sides of the fence but I was hoping some of you might have thoughts on how I act and proceed now to get a proper conversation going without irritating her more?

I welcome your advice,
Dawson


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Been there, Dawson. It's a rough road.
My wife and I tried it on our own and were completely unsuccessful at fixing what was broken. i think that this is true for most affairs; it's not the sex that's missing, it's the communion of two people. It's looking for a spark, some life, some excitement that is missing in the marriage.
We couldn't figure out where we went wrong with what, we just knew that we weren't happy with each other.
After everything was in the open, we went to counseling. It didn't take long to learn what we weren't doing.
We learned to communicate better instead of just talking. we learned that we really did love each other and if we continued to work at it, we would be happy and in love forever.
See a professional.

Good Luck!


----------



## Dawson (Oct 14, 2010)

Thank you DanF, I am grateful that you have taken the time to reply and I certainly hear what you are saying. We are not at the stage of counselling as yet but that is the route I would hope to go. I disclosed the fact of my affair recently so she is still in a state of shock and natural upset. But I hate the thought of zero communication at this point though and that is what is worrying me. 

When she had her affair years ago I cannot remember how we got out of this limbo / silent period. Can you recall that when your own problem hit? I know I have messed up bad but all I want now is to get to that point that you have managed to reach - back on track. 

Striking the balance between giving her distance she needs and being worried over what is going on in her head is the worry for me. 

But thank you again very much for your input!
Dawson


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi there, and good for you coming here for help to save your marriage.....
right now your wife is in shock and in the process of getting things straight in her head......
at this point all you can be is honest and forth coming with your words of support. 
just tell her you are willing to do what ever it takes to make things right between you, accept the fault as your own for the affair, the decision was yours and it was wrong.......
tell her you love her and hopes she will give you a chance to prove that to her.......
don't push, this will take time to process..........
don't give her any reason to doubt anything you are doing........


----------



## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Find a certified Imago therapist in your area and go (without her if necessary). Couples Therapy and Workshops from Imago Relationships Intnl Learn the Imago dialog and use it. As an alternative, read the book Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. It saved my marriage.


----------



## Dawson (Oct 14, 2010)

Thank you so much *jessi*, everything you have said makes complete sense to me. All advice is precious to me at this time and I am very grateful indeed to read yours. I intend to heed it! Thank you very much again.

*Workingitout*, thank you very much for suggesting the counselling. I am truly hoping we can get to that though at the moment I think it is a little too soon and my wife's feelings are still understandably raw. I appreciate the book recommendation very much too!

I am grateful to you both!
Dawson


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hey Dawson, 
another thing, I think you need to understand right now, in a marriage when things don't always go right and situations make it impossible one partner might be stronger than the other, if right now you have to be the one that is stronger and the one that takes care of things alone then be that man.......
just be her soft place to land and don't expect anything, do little things even if you think they are not important, she will notice, she might not acknowledge the effort but she will notice......don't expect anything at all from her, even if it hurts coming from her right now......leave her a note, her favorite something......little tiny things she will notice.......don't over do, the surprise factor is important......little touches or looks......try it.........
but don't push.....


----------



## Dawson (Oct 14, 2010)

Jessi, thank you again for these pointers. They are very welcome indeed! 

At the minute my wife is not at home, having left to go to her parents'. So any kind of communication is shut down. I hope it is temporary. Unfortunately for me the scorned OW has managed to taint the already muddied waters by making a very unpleasant call to my wife and therefore colouring my wife's already darkened view of me. 

So I think I might be a little way off even trying to be open, honest and wholly accountable for my mistakes. I am hoping though that there is light somewhere at the end of this tunnel I have dug. But again, once I see a glimmer of that light, I intend to put into practice the advice you are giving me. 

Thank you again and please take care,
Dawson.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

You are in an awkward place Dawson. She cheated years ago and I am assuming your affair was recent?? What happened when her affair was disclosed to you? Did she have to earn your trust back, console you, etc??

I know that most people really go for the "No contact" letters typed by the unfaithful spouse, read and sent out by the betrayed spouse as a place to start. Would your wife be open to that? 

She's a girl, so you have to remember that she will take this really personally. You can't win to be honest. If the OW was prettier or younger it will be horrible, and if she wasn't it will be horrible LOL. Not everyone is like that, but I think its a natural phase to try to spot the differences between yourself and the one your partner cheated on you with. 

What type of person is your wife? Do actions or words speak louder to her? Do you think you can get the OW to stop contacting your wife??


----------

