# Why Bother



## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

Well here is another post from me mostly about sex, or somehow related to it.

For those that do not know this we are married 17 years in a mostly sexless marriage. Before marriage she would do or try "everything". She was abused as a kid but she will not get help, says it does not matter. She also told me later that sex was never important to her. She did those things before we got married because she knew I liked them. A lot of times she will tell me that I am a sick pervert that needs help. If I ask her about fantasies she has none.

I can say my wife is trying. Why, I am not sure. Cancel all that, I should have said.... My wife is making an attempt to appear like she is trying. That is more how I feel.

She knows sex is important to me. We have had sex not nearly enough but it has been more often. And here comes another but...... She acts like she is doing me a big favor. It is the same three positions, only in the bed, no toys, with the lights turned off. Boring. I have not complained to her though.

She has made it clear to me that she does not need to be intimate at all. Touch, kisses, sex ect. Now it is that time of the month. There is no such things as non mutual acts. What I am talking about is BJ's or handjobs. I can not even wank next to her, it would make her feel uncomfortable. When we do have sex she does seem to enjoy it all though later on she will point out how hard she is trying to make me happy.

I have not had a vasectomy done yet. If I would be in a happy marriage I would get one. In matter of fact I want one but do not think I should get one. So I can not cum inside her. She does not want me to let go on her at all. Eeeew in her mouth, you got to be kidding! Not even her chess. That means usually her tugging me away with a rag for the ending. Is that just great or what?

I just wanted to say that I am willing to please her with oral with out a return. But she does not want that, turns it down. But when I can not get to sleep and I want a quick release I am selfish. It is either we both have sex or nothing. I am not demanding something I am not willing to give.

So some of the changes are recently.... She cancelled MC. She hates all counseling. Makes me think WTH. She started taking my son to youth night at church. She uses that time to go through books in the church library. She comes home and goes off on a book she was reading. How bad it was, but it was written by a man. She talked to me about it, I think the book had some good points about sex but it also had some bad ridiculous ones. (Either that or she miss read it) So she thinks the good points in the book THAT SHE DOES NOT WANT TO HEAR are wrong as much as the ridiculous ones. I think she try's to get info more to support her view that sex once a year is fine rather then looking for real answers to our problems. 

I wish this would go one way or another. I am tiered of the hot and cold treatment. Sometimes I see a path to her old self but then bamm, a brick wall. I wish she would just admit we are wrong for each other or be the person she was years ago. She knew how to make me happy before so I do not know why she feels like she needs to read books about it now. Not that I am discouraging that.

What is your take on this other then the 180 or the man up?

Any good books to give her by a female author since she do not trust male ones?

I not sure religious books would be good either. Just books about marriage and sex.....this is how it works. 

Thanks... every time I think I got it figured out I am back writing another post. One of these days I hope that I will know what way to turn. For now though I am working on making myself happy as this goes on....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

CrazyGuy : I feel for your story and frustration over all of these years. I am not sure how some of you men do it. 

Maybe a book or 2 off of this list could be helpful ...all female authors, that might relate to your situation. 

Amazon.com: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (9780060520625): Laura Schlessinger: Books

Amazon.com: The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide (9780743227339): Michele Weiner Davis: Books

Amazon.com: The Return of Desire: A Guide to Rediscovering Your Sexual Passion (9781590303641): Gina Ogden: Books

Amazon.com: Real Sex for Real Women (9780756659905): Laura Berman: Books

Amazon.com: Getting the Sex You Want: Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together (9781592333011): Tammy Nelson: Books

Amazon.com: The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex: An Indispensible Guide to Pleasure & Seduction (9781590771280): Barbara Keesling: Books


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

Thanks S.A. 

Dang you did your homework!


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

You wouldn't believe how many marriages out there are the same as yours. Not all, but a lot of women seem to just lose interest in sex after marriage and especially after kids. I don't think they realize how important it is to a man in the same way men don't realize how important cuddling and talking is to a woman. It's lifes cruel joke. Make men and women's feelings completely different towards something as mind-blowing as sex.

What's sad is it would be SO SO SO easy for a wife to keep a man happy in that area, and the benefits to her would be huge. My wife doesn't understand that. Never did. Now we're getting divorced. I refulse to live w/o sex. It's non-negotiable.

Good luck to you.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

All of the above listed books are great, but I would like to add one book. I know you said no religious books, but I think this pastor has a great idea:

About | Sexperiment


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

CrazyGuy said:


> Thanks S.A.
> 
> Dang you did your homework!


I am just a Bookaholic, I love amazon, I love to read reviews, I do have 2 of those books I listed - Not that I ever read one all the way through, even though I orginally intend too . 

This is another good one - it helped me understand that my husbands libido is different than mine -but very workable, even compatable. I had my own little time of frustration. 

It has questions & worksheets to do together - helps see if you can reconcile ....& remain happy within a marraige - if the libidos are too far off.

Amazon.com: When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life: Sandra Pertot: Books

It has chapters on the 10 Libido types listed.....

1. Sensual
2. Erotic
3. Compulsive
4. Dependent
5. Stressed
6. Disinterested
7. Detached
8. Addictive
9. Entitled
10. Reactive


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

romantic_guy said:


> All of the above listed books are great, but I would like to add one book. I know you said no religious books, but I think this pastor has a great idea:
> 
> About | Sexperiment


Religious books are fine, I just do not want one that quotes scripture that basically says.."you got to be obedient and serv your man" I do not think that would be helpful.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

CrazyGuy said:


> Religious books are fine, I just do not want one that quotes scripture that basically says.."you got to be obedient and serv your man" I do not think that would be helpful.


We have not read this yet (like I said) but I seriously doubt that this is their take on this. Look at the website, especially the part about "the 24 hour bed in". The pastor and his wife spent 24 hours in bed on top of the church roof to make a point. It shows clips from the interviews from various news organizations.

By the way, I believe marriage is not about her serving me, it is about each of us serving the other equally with sex as well as every area of marriage.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I can relate in part. I wish I could give you hope but it sounds like she simply has little or no sex drive. My personal view and she has always had a nominal sex drive at best. Initial pair bonding sex is over because she already has you, reproductive sex has worked and now sex serves no purpose for her. 

If it was me I would stop having sex with her under these circumstances. Joyless soulless sex would destroy my sex confidence and leave me feeling worthless more than no sex.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

The best *christian* sex /marraige book in my opionion that would not offend near anyone is right here :

Amazon.com: Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage (9782913356559): Kevin Leman: Books

... I plan to buy this for every Christian bridal shower I attend -accompanied with some sexy lingerie. They need to get the mind on the erotic from the get-go, this will only help marraiges, if only these women read these pages & Understand what this means to a marriage... this book is excellent at that.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

One thing i don't understand...

How a man or woman can have sex with someone who so clearly doesn't want to.... does it not effect ability/performance??

I realise your probably just taking anything you can get but wouldn't a w*nk in the shower been more pleasurable?.

If it were me... I'd live without or move on to someone who did want to do the 'wild thing' with me... I consider it a deal breaker... if these wasn't a medical reason for it.

For my fav book is a book written in little chunks...more a 'thought for the day' kind of book by Stephanie Dowrick called the 'Almost Perfect Marriage.

It reminds me of the many ways I can be a better wife/partner

Whats your long term plan Crazyguy if reading these books doesn't help?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Why do you stay married to her? 

What are you getting out of the marriage now? 

What needs of yours are being met? 

Do you have kids?


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

waiwera said:


> One thing i don't understand...
> 
> How a man or woman can have sex with someone who so clearly doesn't want to.... does it not effect ability/performance??
> 
> ...


That is the problem. I want sex not only to be more often, but I want to believe she actually wants to have it with me.

W*nking in the shower is boring and degrading too.

Long term if this can not be fixed I will divorce her. Better off with the hope of finding somebody that could make me happy. Not sure how much more time I am going to give this though. But in my mind 2012 is the year to work on my marriage. If 2013 comes and things are not good enough then it is time for divorce. I may decide for us to separate soon though. It may be the only way she realizes how serious this is to me. I figure to give her all the info and support I can. What she does with it I can not control. But things have to change one way or the other for my own sanity. In the past she has become so distant. I almost consider that she walked away years ago despite being under the same roof.


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Why do you stay married to her?
> 
> What are you getting out of the marriage now?
> 
> ...


We have a 10 year old. She is an awesome mom.

Because of her childhood past I feel this might have a mental illness. I would feel guilty for leaving her over an illness. So I am trying to get her to see she needs help. If she does not get help not much more I can do. Just move on.

What I am getting out of the marriage is just a bunch of anxiety.


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