# About to lose everything.



## NeedHelpInTn (Dec 25, 2011)

Hopefully someone here can help me. This is a hard thing to talk about, but I have no other place to turn. 

A little back story...my wife and I have been together for 10 years married for almost 5. We have had a pretty rocky time through the years with money issues, trust issues (addiction) and even health scares, but through it all we worked it out. Recently she has been hanging out with a woman 10 years her junior and becoming distant. I asked over and over what the problem was, but got nowhere. I started to suspect she was cheating on me and this woman knew who it was, but come to find out after confronting her my wife tells me she is developing feelings for this woman.

Her reasoning for this is the hours I work, that we do not talk, and that we argue "all the time". She told me she has noticed I have been trying harder to save our marriage, but that she is "developing feelings" for this woman and will not let them go. She says even if she did I would never trust her again. I am in a no win situation and am about to lose the love of my life and my daughter (5) to something "that could just be a passing phase". She says she still loves me but is drawing further and further away from me. I try to tell her how she is making me feel, but no matter how I explain it she can not be empathetic. 

Should I just walk away? Should I fight for my wife and family? I am lost and falling into a deep despair I am not sure I will be able to recover from. I am physically sick over this. I love my wife, but she wants me to let this happen and is willing to sacrifice it all "to make me happy".

PLEASE HELP ME!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Is the other woman married or in a relationship? Does your wife friends and parents know what she is doing? Is the other woman a lesbian?


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

While your specifics might be less common, your wife is in a fullblown EA/PA with this OW. You should handle it just as any other affair should be dealt with.

Read this post.

She's deep in the fog. Understand that while your marriage likely had issues, much of what she's telling you is rationalization for her affair.


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## NeedHelpInTn (Dec 25, 2011)

The other "woman" is a 19 year old girl. She says she is a lesbian which is why this has blindsided me. My wife says she told her father who told her " do whatever makes you happy".

She says she does not want to lose me, and says she will try to control these feelings, but she also says she will not give up the friendship with this woman and I will make that uncomfortable. Every time i try to tell her how I feel. How I will do anything short of letting her cheat on me she only hears anger and latches onto a word or phrase and a fight starts....which i diffuse as quickly as I can lately and try to get a conversation back on track.

I love her so much, but don't think I can save this and keep my sanity.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Personally I believe when ever anyone is confronted with the knowledge of their spouse in an affair the first thing they should do is draw up divorce papers regardless of whether or not they wish to attempt to salvage the marriage.

I recommend this because it creates a win/win situation for the betrayed.

Most often the wayward spouse sees the finality of divorce and it shocks them into ditching their lover.

Those rarer times when the wayward accepts the divorce and is ready to move on it`s better for the betrayed as they don`t waste anytime with the waywards lies, gaslighting, trickle truth and false hope.

They are able to cut a cancer out of their life relatively quickly and move on.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

NeedHelpInTn said:


> She says she does not want to lose me, and says she will try to control these feelings, but she also says she will not give up the friendship with this woman and I will make that uncomfortable.



Have her served with divorce papers and see how fast she drops that lesbian.


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## NeedHelpInTn (Dec 25, 2011)

She has also said if this woman were a man, I would not be able to reconcile, but I think I could be more forgiving of a physical "fling" easier than an emotional attachment that I can only imagine two woman can have.


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Personally I believe when ever anyone is confronted with the knowledge of their spouse in an affair the first thing they should do is draw up divorce papers regardless of whether or not they wish to attempt to salvage the marriage.
> 
> I recommend this because it creates a win/win situation for the betrayed.
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Plus, I believe that all affairs should be blown wide open and exposed fully (family, friends, other person's family, work, etc). When you do that, if they still choose to leave, they no longer have a support group saying, "if he's done all that, you should leave him!" Rather, they often feel like they've lost that support and the affair has to be able to stand on its own. Often they can't.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She is playing mind games with you. She is cheating on you with another human being. It does not make a difference whether it is a man or a woman. She is playing you like a violin. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. A marriage is between 2 people and not 3. It seems she is wanting you to allow her to share herself with another person. She is playing you for a fool. If you allow this then she will be correct.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Its hard to put the Genie back into the lamp if the Genie wants to stay out!!! If they stay "Friends" they will start back up with the physical part at sometime again. The other woman will always be a threat and don't think just because its a woman that its not as bad.....she won't just place nice and revert back into just friends she wants more.


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## NeedHelpInTn (Dec 25, 2011)

Talked more about it after our daughter opened her presents this morning. She still is adamant about not ending their "friendship" so I told her I was filing for divorce. 

I feel sick. How can I be here for my daughter on Christmas when I can't stop thinking about this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

NeedHelpInTn said:


> She says she does not want to lose me, and says she will try to control these feelings, but she also says she will not give up the friendship with this woman


She wants to cake eat. She says that she "will try to control these feelings" meaning that she will only "try" but not guarantee that she will not continue the PA, and also meaning that she does not even claim that she will stop having feeling for the OW that she should only have for you.

The fact that given a choice between losing you or giving up the OW, she picks the OW without question means that you have already lost your wife. You no longer come first to her. In this case, filing for a divorce is not a trick to get her back, but an acknowledgment of a reality.

Your wife telling her father that she is a lesbian, and him telling her that it was OK, means that she is now fully committing to moving forward with this lifestyle. There is nothing you could have done. Ignore her blame shifting and move on.

I am so sorry for you and your child.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Your fear and desperation are your enemies, you need to conquer them FIRST for your well being as well as your child's. 

Please start implementing *The 180 degree rules* so that you can start to emotionally detach from your wife and start becoming emotionally strong so that you can move on with your life with or without her.


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## NeedHelpInTn (Dec 25, 2011)

Thank everyone for your replies. I think you may have saved my life. I was having a very hard time dealing with this and thinking I was the only one. I really appreciate all the tough advice. I have fully committed to the divorce now and am looking out for me and my daughter first and foremost. 

I think I can actually do this after reading the information posted. Of course I reserve the right to be totally depressed tomorrow and second guess myself, but if I do I will reread everything you all have posted. 

Merry Christmas
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Personally I believe when ever anyone is confronted with the knowledge of their spouse in an affair the first thing they should do is draw up divorce papers regardless of whether or not they wish to attempt to salvage the marriage.
> 
> I recommend this because it creates a win/win situation for the betrayed.
> 
> ...


Well put I think its the conclusion I have come to. I didn't want to D but its the road I must travel I don't see
the possibility of R aside from being in love with me which she clearly is not she wouldn't be capable of doing what woukd be required which would include 24 hour gps tracking
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You will get no movement from your wife, away from her 19 yr old lover---(that in itself is wierd---19 yr olds, basically do not know their a*s from a hole in the ground, and your wife is falling for her)---until you bring HEAVY CONSEQUENCES into play.

Point blank---tell her this BS, with the girl ends, or the mge., ends----call her bluff

Tell her you can't tell her what to do---but you do control yourlife, and the future of YOUR family.

While you are telling her this---give her a copy of the want ads, and tell her its time for her to start paying HALF, of everything---from her efforts/earnings

YOU HAVE TO SHOW HER HARSH CONSEQUENCES---to the foolishness of her actions.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

jnj express said:


> You will get no movement from your wife, away from her 19 yr old lover---(that in itself is wierd---19 yr olds, basically do not know their a*s from a hole in the ground, and your wife is falling for her)---until you bring HEAVY CONSEQUENCES into play.
> 
> Point blank---tell her this BS, with the girl ends, or the mge., ends----call her bluff
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Absolutely, consequences are the key. Cut off all money, if she needs something from the store tell her to make a list. You're not denying her, you're just not allowing access to your money. Separate bank accounts and cut off credit cards. Tell her "you want freedom, well here is your financial freedom.....enjoy."


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

BTW, don't believe a word she says. If she told you the girl is 19, don't believe it without confirmation. Did she tell you her dad say do whatever makes her happy? I would not believe it without hearing it from her dad, too.

In short, don't use any info she gives you without verifying it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to do the 180 and you need to cut your wife off of all financial support you provide her.

She and the 19 yr old will find it hard to have their happy life when they have very little $$ to do it on.

Stop putting your paycheck into a joint account - move it to an account you only control and use it to pay bills etc. but no pocket money for the wife, and cancel all joint CC's.

Find out about the 19 yr old. hire a PI to investigate them if you need to. That info may come in handy. For instance if the 19 yr old has a history of drug use, or other problems - you can use that to get an RO to prevent her from being around your kid when you WW has her.


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