# "I want you to" - why I hate those words?



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Question.

My wife uses all the time the term "I want you to" when she asks me to do something.

For me, it's not a request, rather a command.

"I want you to" instead of "can you please" (oh, she almost never says please).

Am I overly sensitive? Or does it really sound bad?


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

joshbjoshb said:


> Question.
> 
> My wife uses all the time the term "I want you to" when she asks me to do something.
> 
> ...


Well, it doesn't sound especially good. I think it could really get irritating over time.

For me, the equivalent is sentences that start with "You should..."


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## salvadorpj1 (Oct 13, 2013)

You are justified in disliking that phrase. However, "hate" is too extreme an emotion for this issue. Have you tried to tell her how uncomfortable it makes you feel? Try to find a neutral place to have a low key discussion about your discomfort.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

That would irritate me too. Just ask her to phrase things more considerately. Give her examples. Tell her the "I want you to..." Comes off as something dictated and makes you feel like a child.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

The words only have the power that you give them. It's only an "order" if you perceive it and treat it as one. When did men get so sensitive that a "please" is required for every request? Smh
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It would annoy me a lot to hear something phrased that way. "Could you please", "Would you please", or just "Please" would work far better. Otherwise, I'd be likely to "ask" her "I want you to get me a beer."

You can probably train her out of it. First of all, tell her that you are bothered by her phrasing, and tell her what you want to hear. Then, completely ignore any and all requests phrased inappropriately, but respond quickly to those that ask politely. Reward good behavior, ignore bad.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

At least you hear a complete sentence. I usually get something like "Get me the chips."


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

You need tell her that her phrasing of requests sound disrespectful to you. No need to get hostile about it, but let her know that she needs to be considerate in how she asks for things. Ask her how she would feel if you gave demands like, "Make my dinner" or "Get my wallet" and so on. She probably just needs work on her communication skills. 

I don't think that it's too much to ask your partner to be considerate of your feelings when it comes to things like this. Sometimes, people don't realize how their behavior is seen by others until they are called on it. If she cares about you and your relationship, then she will work on it.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

"Yeah? And I want you.....to stop saying 'I want you to'. Ask me to do things for you. Don't tell me."


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

She's not from another country/language background by any chance is she? This was an issue with my wife early on, and it turned out that the way she was speaking was just a translation of the standard way you'd ask a spouse to do something (and also her culture is a little less polite than ours). So I got used to it to an extent and she also learned to be more polite by our standards.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

joshbjoshb said:


> Question.
> 
> My wife uses all the time the term "I want you to" when she asks me to do something.
> 
> ...


If you are bothered, I think you should sit her down and just express how it makes you feel...it's that simple...hopefully she will hear you and try to adjust.....

Give her some alternative ideas... like "Hey honey, I'd really like it you could ...." or what you said here.... " Can you please......."


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I don't think you are being overly sensitive, kindness and good manners go along way IMHO.

Have you spoken to her about the issue? It would be unfair to let resentment build on your part if you have not communicated to her that it bothers you.
Also it is often the intent behind language or actions that tell the real story. If she is using this language out of habit and has no idea it bothers you then her intent is not bad. if you have discussed this and she still does it then her intention is not so good.

Personally I say "can you please ....." whether it be asking something of my kids, partner, friends, colleagues etc.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Yes that's an annoying right up there with 'you should'.

There are dozens of ways to ask for help that won't sound like a command.

If talking doesn't work then simply stop responding to demands. She can't make you do anything but she can ask you nicely.

Give her a list of phrases you are okay with. Might take a bit for her to realize you are serious but she will get it if you stand your ground.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Thank you all, and yes, "hate" was too strong of a term for this, but guess what - my wife always uses the word "hate" for every little thing, so it kind of got to me 

I do agree I should tell her "I want you to buy me a beer" and see how it goes!


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

joshbjoshb said:


> Thank you all, and yes, "hate" was too strong of a term for this, but guess what - my wife always uses the word "hate" for every little thing, so it kind of got to me
> 
> I do agree I should tell her "I want you to buy me a beer" and see how it goes!


Well I think that was meant a little facetiously. But having read some of your other threads, I see you following the same pattern here -- your wife does something that bothers you, so you come here to get backup about it, instead of confronting her in a direct way. Yes, you could try the "throw it back in her face" approach, and man, how sweet and awesome that would be right? You'd sure show her, right? But this is your wife that you're talking about, the woman you're supposed to be making your life with. You're supposed to be a team together. It sounds like something is really out of whack with that, but if you can't learn to confront her directly, without resentment and "revenge" fueling your actions, about things that bother you, you're part of the problem.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

John Lee said:


> Well I think that was meant a little facetiously. But having read some of your other threads, I see you following the same pattern here -- your wife does something that bothers you, so you come here to get backup about it, instead of confronting her in a direct way. Yes, you could try the "throw it back in her face" approach, and man, how sweet and awesome that would be right? You'd sure show her, right? But this is your wife that you're talking about, the woman you're supposed to be making your life with. You're supposed to be a team together. It sounds like something is really out of whack with that, but if you can't learn to confront her directly, without resentment and "revenge" fueling your actions, about things that bother you, you're part of the problem.


Because it's not the first time you comment in similar content, I will suggest you go even further and read my threads. I did speak to my wife many times, begged her to come to MC together, raised issues, and (in general) in a very calm and open manner, no yelling, or cynicism (although I do sin with that sometimes). 

Since none of it was of any help, I come here to vent sometimes.

I think it's quite normal when, at some point, you realize that you are the adult in the relationship and it might stay like that forever.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

joshbjoshb said:


> Because it's not the first time you comment in similar content, I will suggest you go even further and read my threads. I did speak to my wife many times, begged her to come to MC together, raised issues, and (in general) in a very calm and open manner, no yelling, or cynicism (although I do sin with that sometimes).
> 
> Since none of it was of any help, I come here to vent sometimes.
> 
> I think it's quite normal when, at some point, you realize that you are the adult in the relationship and it might stay like that forever.


So why do you stay?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I realize I can't know your marriage, and some of my comments may get a little presumptuous, but every time I read one of your threads I find at least something that suggests a possible lack of full self-awareness. I always hear you repeating this theme -- "I am the good guy in the relationship, my wife is the bad guy" "My wife does things wrong, I do things right." It's a little hard to believe that you're such a saint. 

Just for example, I saw your thread about "priorities". I noticed that you made it sound like your wife was putting chores "before" you, while at the same time it seemed like you were putting chores last, but rationalizing it by saying you were putting your family "before" chores. Did it ever occur to you that doing chores IS part of prioritizing your wife and children? Those chores need to get done. If you're putting them last, no wonder your wife has to put them higher on her own list. Maybe if your wife is such a priority, you should do more chores and take some of the burden off her.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

And really, let's face it. It's clear you don't have much respect for your wife, or you don't show it here. Even if she's a terrible person, you're being pretty two-faced with her, so convinced you're being the perfect husband even as you constantly sneak off to complain about her. Don't you think she can sense your lack of respect for her, your condescension, your subtle dishonesty? I don't see a lot of empathy in your posts, and I see some entitlement too - "she doesn't make me dinners I like" etc. 

I'm not telling you your wife doesn't have real problems, or that she's a great wife. I'm not even telling you your marriage is worth saving -- only you can decide those things. But my gut feeling is that you are habitually failing to see your side of the equation, treating any possible complaint she has about you as ridiculous, because you're such a great husband who has his priorities 100% right. Maybe you only fell into the habit of seeing things that way because you got tired of trying to work things out with her and it being impossible, I don't know. But that's how it reads now.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I hate the word "hate", lol. I am uncomfortable when I hear somebody use it so liberally when there many different ways to accurately describe how you feel.

"I want you to ..." - I don't have a problem with that only because I prefer that she communicates what she wants/needs versus either making it unclear or not communicating at all. Better would be "I want ...." and then a discussion about how the two of you would accomplish that thing, even if it is you doing it.

My current annoyance is that my wife ONLY seems to talk to me when she wants something ... and more often than not it is something related to money. Setting the scene: come home from a long day at work, walk in the house and my daughters jump on me. Hugs and kisses all around. My wife doesn't say anything except to yell at the kids that dinner is ready. We all sit down and I ask my girls how school went .... "so ... what did you do that was cool in school today?" is how it usually goes. They talk about their day and then my wife asks "Honey?" ... with an inflection that tells me right away she is about to ask for something. She either asks for money or time ... either directly or indirectly. When I say "time", I don't mean time spent with her ... it is usually me taking the kids so she can go off and do something. How about an occasional "how was your day?" before diving straight into things she needs or wants from me? Considering that the question is NEVER "do you want to fool around?", she could at least pretend to give a crap.


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## agreenbough (Oct 1, 2012)

Well, in my case, my husband says he wants me to be direct. "I want you to..." is pretty direct. Alas, he gets upset when I'm not direct and acts like I'm nagging when I am direct. I can't win.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

agreenbough said:


> Well, in my case, my husband says he wants me to be direct. "I want you to..." is pretty direct. Alas, he gets upset when I'm not direct and acts like I'm nagging when I am direct. I can't win.


This sounds a little like what I was getting at. Like I said, I can't know the OP's true situation. But I wonder what his wife would say. Sometimes "stop nagging me" is code for "I don't actually feel like pulling my weight around here" "stop expecting me to do things" etc. Maybe there's some excuse-making going on here.


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