# Can a one-night affair really have no meaning?



## NeedingPeace (Apr 25, 2011)

So, I am almost 8 months pregnant with our second child, and a month ago my husband told me (only a couple days after) he had too much to drink, which ended in a one-night affair with someone he barely knew. We have been together for 6 years and had fights here and there, but things had been going well right before the incident. He says he doesn't know why it happened and will do anything to save the marriage. I had always told him things would be over if something like this happened, but couldn't end things just yet, despite his actions. He says he is/has been happy with our life, but I feel like I can't move on until I figure out what went wrong. We have started counseling with a pastor, but other than that, he acts like everything is the same as before the incident (it's NOT!). I can't stop thinking about it and don't understand as I have never had the desire to do anything like that and it came as a total shock. Trust is definitely an issue, but I am looking for any advice to help cope and move on.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Alcohol is never an exuse for cheating...

I don't care how drunk he was.. he knew what he was doing. 

Set some boundries with him.. make yourself clear that you will not tolerate this in your marriage or life. Tell him no more going out to drink.. make sure he is not in contact with this woman. Moniter his behavior.. his phone calls.. everything. He has to be 100 percent honest and transparent from this moment on or it will never work out.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

NeedingPeace said:


> He says he doesn't know why it happened


He could start by OWNING that it happened because he chose for it to happen. Until he owns that, this is a big problem. 

Men can have sex w/ no emotional ties so the good thing is he's told you he wants to save the marriage at any cost, is diong counselling with you, and he told you to your face that it happened (instead of covering it up and you finding out alone).

He has to end all contact w/ the ONS person and show you he's done that.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

It does have a meaning. It meant that on that occasion he was a stupid ass. Him telling you means that he has been consumed with guilt ever since. This is also a good thing.
You feeling betrayed is normal and healthy. 
From his point of view it probably did mean nothing. Men do not need an emotional attachment to have sex. Alcohol lowers the inhibitions and if there was a chemical attraction then his.."lets do it" side of the brain kicked in..
Maybe you should both see a MC.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I know there are some women on this forum who have saints for husbands and what I am about to say does not apply to those men. The rest of us are just guys and we don't necessarily need to be head-over-heels in love or even (like) with a woman to have sex with her. If this were not true, prostitutes couldn't make any money. If he were drunk enough, it's possible he could have had sex with a woman he didn't care for, didn't really know, maybe from another planet,. Drunk enough, he could have had sex with a rusty garbage can or a grizzly bear. 
Whatever he had that night, it apparently wasn't very meaningful to either or both of them or they would have carried on night after night. As whatever it was apparently only happened once, I'm inclined to believe the experience was pretty forgetable for both of them. 
I know it's not trivial to you and you are hurt deeply. I also know, like most women, you have to have some deep emotional bond going before you engage in something similar. You're not a guy and you're not drunk. 
I love my wife deeply but I know I'm a guy and alcohol impairs judgement. As much as I love my wife, if I put myself in an extremely impaired condition in a compromising situation, I might screw up and do something I'd deeply regret. I don't get drunk and I don't end up alone with other women. Just because he did something with some woman doesn't mean he likes her or even remembers her name. Sorry to say, but some of us can be just that hound-like.


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## NeedingPeace (Apr 25, 2011)

Thanks for the responses... they do help.... I think a guy's point of view really helps, too, since I am a woman thinking that guys have to have the same reasons to have sex as women. He has agreed to stop seeing the friend that left him there alone in the first place (not a good friend!) and has not had any more contact with this woman. He did say he stopped half-way through the "deed," so at least part of his brain kicked in at some point.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I know there are some women on this forum who have saints for husbands and what I am about to say does not apply to those men. The rest of us are just guys and we don't necessarily need to be head-over-heels in love or even (like) with a woman to have sex with her. If this were not true, prostitutes couldn't make any money. If he were drunk enough, it's possible he could have had sex with a woman he didn't care for, didn't really know, maybe from another planet,. Drunk enough, he could have had sex with a rusty garbage can or a grizzly bear.
> Whatever he had that night, it apparently wasn't very meaningful to either or both of them or they would have carried on night after night. As whatever it was apparently only happened once, I'm inclined to believe the experience was pretty forgetable for both of them.
> I know it's not trivial to you and you are hurt deeply. I also know, like most women, you have to have some deep emotional bond going before you engage in something similar. You're not a guy and you're not drunk.
> I love my wife deeply but I know I'm a guy and alcohol impairs judgement. As much as I love my wife, if I put myself in an extremely impaired condition in a compromising situation, I might screw up and do something I'd deeply regret. I don't get drunk and I don't end up alone with other women. Just because he did something with some woman doesn't mean he likes her or even remembers her name. Sorry to say, but some of us can be just that hound-like.


Sounds like a talk i had with my daughter. LOL

But here is the truth:

Men communicate for status reasons. Its why we like the cars, the big house, the pretty women and it is why we are so competitive in nature. Everything we place value in can be brought back to status. The kids sports, the money we make, the adventures we have had... all lead back to status. This is what causes the pain for men the most when a woman is unfaithful.. it lowers our status in the world. 

Women communicate for reasons of emotion and relationships. This is why your friends are so are important, it is why exposure is so effective with women. It is why you are close to your parents more than your husbands (generally). The relationships with your kids and your husband worry you more than men. All the commercials aimed at women show women having a gathering, ladies night out or family time... All these things express your emotional connections and your relationship connections. 

Now that you know that... You can ask yourself this:

Did your husband gain status by doing this? Probably not. He is most likely not attached, if it was a one night stand. But if he lied, and he is having a full blown affair, then in his mind, it has some connection with status. 

Meanwhile the cause of your pain is rooted in the negative impact on your relationship. that is kind of common sense tho. 

This is not some random crap I am making up, its basic human dynamics 101. Any first year college kid learns this in psych class.


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## loveslife2011 (Apr 23, 2011)

A one-time mistake can be forgiven (this probably won't be a popular answer). I once had an indiscretion before I was married and I confessed, was forgiven, and moved forward. Still to this day, I am ashamed at my actions. How does he feel about it? Do you believe he is really sorry? He needs to be groveling on the ground, as there is no excuse for it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> Did your husband gain status by doing this? Probably not. He is most likely not attached, if it was a one night stand. But if he lied, and he is having a full blown affair, then in his mind, it has some connection with status.


Then I guess this was my ex. cause he said it was a ONS but I found a yr later he was still in contact with her and still was right before we divorced... Idk what status she was worth though since she was also in a relationship. Weird. Still he denied any involvement and said it wasn't her though every single frickin thing pointed that it WAS. There were just too many coincidences.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Is anybody going to mention STD's? ? You are 8 months pregnant. I would protect myself and your baby until he has had a full panel round of tests and that includes Herpes. Even if you haven't had sex with him yet, you will in the future perhaps while nursing your infant. If he hasn't been checked out, he is playing Russian Roulette with your life and that of your future child. Another "thing" he wasn't thinking about while screwing around.
Also, I defer from many here who say it meant nothing, it was just sex. Okay, I get that. Here's how women hear those comments. "I was willing to toss away our marriage and our family for something meaningless". It certainly isn't meaningless when it happens to the cheated on spouse and even more insulting when it is trivialized as "just sex". From a female standpoint.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Even if it didn't mean anything to him.. did it mean something to you? If it hurts you, then yes.. it meant something.. it meant he hurt you, it meant he took something that is meant to be kept in the marriage outside of it. 

I hate that quote, "it doesn't/didn't mean anything" .. .well actually yes it does!


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## NeedingPeace (Apr 25, 2011)

A lot of my thoughts, exactly... (And, yes, STD's were brought up right away.) If it was so meaningless, my thoughts are why would he risk losing everything? Risk getting STD's? Risk getting her pregnant? Risk losing the life he says he wants so much? And why now?
We met again with a counselor this afternoon and he explained it much like 'twotimeloser.' He said men do need the status, to have a good job, make good money, know a lot of people, etc. This is what makes them more susceptible to waundering, even though it doesn't make it right. Women, on the other hand, need their friends, their children, and their husband and don't usually care that much about status (in general). And, yes, women are more emotional. 
I have to admit, it has been a little over a month and there are days I don't want to have anything to do with him at all. He has been pretty emotional over the whole thing, too... he said he had a dream the other night that I was with another guy and woke up in sweats and feeling horrible. Glad he has a taste of it, but how about if he had to deal with that in reality? I almost felt bad that I had no sympathy when he told me this...


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## Christina Garabedian (Apr 29, 2011)

It will take some time to regain trust. it will not happen over night. Sometimes when one person cheats they start to believe that their spouse will then cheat on them because of what they have done.

Yes, make sure boundaries are set up and he must agree to them in order to try and move forward. I know it is painful but your options are to not forgive him or to forgive him and try to salvage your marriage. We cannot change the past and dwelling on the past will not make the future better. He must prove to you that he can be trusted again.

Communicate at all times and let him know that you will always listen to how he feels and vice versa.


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