# really confused verbally abused



## lovelygerl (Apr 15, 2010)

Im 31 years old and have been with my husband for 14 years married 11. We have 2 boys 12 and 7.We have been through allot. I am a drama free person, i dont like fighting. He is the opposite. little things trigger him off. What makes it worst is i am verbally abused. I get called names like Ugly, Fat, Stupied, Whor*,Bi***.. and so on.I know i am not any of those. I am always told i never do anything right. He is just like his father, h and i swore and told him if he ever turned out like his dad i would leave and hear i am still married. Worst thing is on the outside everyone loves him. He helps people, makes them laugh treats me like a queen in front of them but behind closed doors is where the problems are. What makes things hard for me is when he is in a good mood he treats me and loves me like no other but always in the back of my mind im asking myself how long is this going to last! I feel like i walk on egg shells because i try to do everything the way he wants so i dont get yelled at. 
I sat down and tried to talk to him about my feelings. i have been feeling that both our feelings are changing.. something wasnt right about our marriage..so i decided right thing to do is talk. What does he do when i mention we need to talk about us he walkes away. He says i dont have time to talk about stupied SH**. so i vent to my sister in law.. i tell her that i cannot take it anymore i feel like my love is not the same, that i think the end of our marriage is near. Well this was all said in a text! he read it the next night. i didnt delete it because he never checks my phone. i didnt want him to find out that way but i had to vent. i was so upset that he walked away on me! now a week past and last night he said that we have to split. I feel like a weight has lifted off my shoulders but today i am feeling bad. he Text me saying he hates me. this is all my fault! he thought things were great and this is a shock to him. Which i told him if he didnt stop the name calling that i would start to fall out of love and i guess he never beleived it sense i always seemed to forgive him everytime. I cant seem to work it out anymore i am so mentally tired and exhausted! He refused marriage counseling when i mentioned it a few months ago when we were having trouble then. I dont want to stay but my soft kind heart is feeling guilty for hurting him. I know i shouldnt feel this way but its so hard to let go when i know i need too to be happy!

I cant lie one thing made me change my feelings for him even more. His mother called me she was depressed and we started talking. She said "They wont ever change, look at me i been with his father sense i am 15 years old. 6 kids later and in my 50's and i live with regrets! i am depressed because of the way i am treated. I stayed thinking he will change, and its worst! Do what u have to do for you! " 


I cant be her i just cant! Yes things arent as bad now but it will get like that! The older he gets the worst its getting! 

Worst part, His father, sisters and mother thinks i am too good for him! GO FIGURE!~


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

You already know what you should do, but knowing and doing are 2 different things. My first marriage was to a verbally abusive man, I put up with it for 5 years, thinking I had to because I took vows. Eventually he ended it and I was so relieved. This was 12 years ago and it still affects me in ways I never imagined. Please, don't continue to put up with this. If he considers your feelings stupid and doesn't have the time to talk about them, get out. You're right, it's not going to get better. Would you want either one of your children to be in an abusive relationship? You are setting the example of what love and marriage are for them.


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## lovelygerl (Apr 15, 2010)

you are so right. He is now making me feel like that i am to blaim. He said he thought we were doing just fine and this is all a shock to him. I dont want to seem like the bad one and to everyone else thats what i will look like sense he is a different person to outsiders. I really dont care what people think because i know the truth. he tells me to let him know what he has to pay but i dont think he is taking this serious sense we have gone through this before and i always took him back but this time i am completly done. i am so happy out of the house! i am injoying life but when i get home i feel like i am in HELL! 
also with the boys they have been calling me names.. I dont want them to grow up thinking that its ok! I have to do something right now! Thanks for the advice!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Lovely, the behavioral traits you describe sound like the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). You mention that you feel like you are always "walking on eggshells" around your H. You shouldn't be surprised to learn, then, that the most popular book on how to deal with a BPD spouse is called "Stop Walking on Eggshells."

Like you seem to have done, I got sucked into a marriage to a BPD spouse. It is so easy to do. They are almost irresistible during the six-month courting period. No emotionally stable people can come close to their passion, intensity, and romance. The reason is that they lack a stable image of who they are and thus have spent a lifetime acting in a way they believe others will find acceptable. So, when they become infatuated with you, they pull out all the stops and act exactly like what they believe you are looking for. That is, they mirror your own personality, claiming to like everything you like. This makes you feel certain that you have met your "soul mate." 

They don't do it to deceive or manipulate you. Rather, they simply trying to be accepted and loved just like all the rest of us. Typically, however, they cannot sustain the illusion beyond six months (unless you live in separate cities). The reason is that it requires a lot of energy and, more importantly, they grow increasingly resentful each month of the great sacrifices they are making to do things and go places they really do not like. Eventually, then, the anger and jealousy will start showing themselves.

Moreover, deep down, they do not like themselves. Hence, the last thing they want to hear is about one more mistake or flaw that would be added to the long list of things they hate about themselves. That is, mistakes are so painful for them to acknowledge that they refuse to take responsibility for their own mistakes and actions. Instead, they project all of them onto whomever is foolish enough to live with them (e.g., you and me). The result is that high-functioning BPDers will be generous and caring with total strangers and casual friends -- and then go home and abuse the very person who loves them.

Because several other folks on this forum also are married to BPD sufferers, I have written quite a bit about it that you can access by clicking on my name to the left and selecting "more posts." A good description of a BPD relationship is at 
How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves - Roger Melton, M.A. . If you have any questions, I would be happy to discuss them with you here and share my 15 years experience with a BPD exW. Please take care.


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## lovelygerl (Apr 15, 2010)

thank you .. everything you have said makes sense! Over the weekend i told him it was over and when he seen how serious i was he cried like never before.. it broke my heart but i was ok with it until the next day when he was still crying promising me that he will be everything i have always needed. He swears he will be different he knows i deserve to be treated the best way possible. no more name calling, be more willing to listen, if he is upset with me we will sit down and talk. He said that this weekend made him realize how much he couldnt live without me.. but in the back of my mind i am asking myself how long will this last? also i believe he is serious but im so emotionally exhausted i dont know if i even want to try. I have been honest with him i told him i can try but there are no guarantees. He said i understand and respect that. I am still so confused.. i wish i could just go somewhere and have time for myself!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> in the back of my mind i am asking myself how long will this last? also i believe he is serious


Of course he is serious. If he has strong BPD traits, he cannot regulate his emotions, which means they get so strong that he believes his feelings are reality. Hence, when he is splitting you white, he seriously believes you are wonderful and that he will change to make you happy. Yet, as you have seen over and over again for 14 years, he will be just as serious when he flips back to hating you.

Like you, I was utterly powerless whenever my exW would cry and sob. It just broke my heart. So she used it over and over to control me. This is one part of the push-you-away and pull-you-back cycle that is a hallmark of BPD. It occurs because BPDers fear both abandonment and engulfment (i.e., intimacy). 

Whenever you draw close to a BPDer, they feel like they are being engulfed by your strong personality (because they have a very fragile sense of whom they are). They therefore push you away to give them breathing room. That is why, why BPDers, a wonderful intimate evening or weekend will typically be followed the next morning -- if not that evening -- by a fight they start over nothing.

Yet, when you draw back to give them breathing space, you trigger their fear of abandonment, which is even more intense than the fear of engulfment. This is why they switch to being so sweet and endearing, trying to suck you back into the toxic relationship. You can read more about this pull-you-back stage that you are now witnessing (often called "Hoovering") at the website I mention above.


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## swan31 (Apr 25, 2010)

hi lovely, sad but i feell like i'm reading my life inur story, i'm stuckwith thesane dilemma, i love my husband domuch that even if he's not in good terms with my family, i'm willing to fight for him bec i believed that the man that i fell in love witha few yrs backis still there somewhere in his being.just so sad cozhe pushes me away, doesn't makeany effort to fix the marriage..y heart goesout to our two babies (2 yrsoldand 4mosold)...


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## lovely_gerl (Apr 18, 2009)

well things have gone down for the worst! he said that he is leaving today and i am ok with it but he is crying and angry at the same time. this is all my fault i am the one too blaim,. this is what i want not him! but he swears he is changed. this was one of the best weeks i have ever had in a long time but its only been a week, i told him that i need time to get to my old self and know what i want but he doesnt want to wait. he feels i should be back to forgiving him and i cant. i need more then just a week. is it possible to change? but he did 5 years ago, it lasted for 3 then back to the old cycle again. i am so confused. i feel that i was us to work because of the kids and his happiness.. but what about my happiness? i cant lie to him .. he hates me right now.. so terribly.. the kids are upset with me.. but they dont know everything! .. i dont know what else to do anymore. he said we had the perfect marriage. maybe in his head we did.. im so sad and confused.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Lovely, I am sorry you are going through so much confusion and pain. As to your question about whether he might actually change without seeking therapy, you already know the answer to that. Indeed, his own mother knows. She told you he would never change because he is just like his father.

You said that my description of BPD behavior "makes sense" in describing your H's behavior. Did you find that the article (provided above in a link) also makes sense? If so, I suggest that you go to that same website hosting the article (BPDfamily.com) and participate in the message board on "Leaving a BPD partner." 

All the folks there have been through the ugly and painful process you are going through now. They know how confusing it is to be in a LTR with an abusive partner who has spent years invalidating your feelings and trying to convince you that you are responsible for every problem. Those forum members will give you many useful and valuable suggestions on how to deal with your H. 

Of course, you should continue to rely on me and other members of this forum too. Right now, you need as much emotional support as you can find.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Maybe if you like to predict how your life would be after 14 additional years you can read my story
Briefly, 28 years of emotional and verbal abusive marriage
yes there is so much change but to the worse
i lived hell through the years i am done uptown suggested me to join the BPD family
i posted first at the undecided board than i wanted to give him a last chance so i posted at the staying board
when i did that i felt like i am killing myself i was about to go into depression
so i decided to leave how and when God knows as soon as i can

that's why i posted my last thread at leaving board(When enough is enough) all folks like in this forum are supporting me this can help you to have clear mind and know if you can give more to this relationship or you can save it in any way or like me you decide to at least save yourself and your kids before it is too late

I thought i stayed for my kids to be a family all together but i was wrong because the abusive life harmed them too
I thought i kept my marriage because my society and culture needs that but i was wrong because society doesn't need unhealthy families it needs healthy individuals
i thought i was there for my religion and also i was so wrong because i know now that God doesn't want me to suffer God wants me to be a happy person God wants me to correct my mistakes and do the right for me and my kids God didn't write what happened to me and God is not teaching me any lesson it was a wrong choice i took it when i was not seeing things right and like any wrong choice i should correct it

i know now that it is wrong if i stay in an unhealthy marriage destroying myself my kids and maybe my husband 

what uptown said is so right
I hope you will find your way to be really a happy person no matter what your choice will be


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## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

lovelygerl said:


> you are so right. He is now making me feel like that i am to blaim. He said he thought we were doing just fine and this is all a shock to him. I dont want to seem like the bad one and to everyone else thats what i will look like sense he is a different person to outsiders. I really dont care what people think because i know the truth. he tells me to let him know what he has to pay but i dont think he is taking this serious sense we have gone through this before and i always took him back but this time i am completly done. i am so happy out of the house! i am injoying life but when i get home i feel like i am in HELL!
> also with the boys they have been calling me names.. I dont want them to grow up thinking that its ok! I have to do something right now! Thanks for the advice!


You both probably have things you could have done different in your marriage, and since there are two partners, both should accept responsibility for their part in marriage. (You aren't to blame!) 

Only you know what's best for you when it comes to what to do in your relationship.

What do you want? What would be best? You probably already know the answer.


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