# whats next?



## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Ok folks, It's been a week since I moved out. I gave her the space she asked for and I got drilled for shutting her out! Last night she asked me to take the dog because she can't give him any attention. Well my reply was "whats next our son?" I am having second thoughts on my leaving and coming to the conclusion maybe she should have left. I know taking the dog away is going to hurt our son, my leaving has already hurt him enough don't you think? I really don't know what to do at this point but take things day by day. I love and miss my family and this separation is so hard, no sleep, can't eat, etc. Her work is so demanding of her right now that it's starting to affect her health, she has lost enough weight that she actually looks unhealthy. She comes home late, has to take sleeping pills to sleep and who knows what else is going on. I do not believe she is having a physical affair but an emotional affair I'm not so sure about. Any advice or words of encouragement would be great to hear, I so need something positive right now.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

sirch said:


> Ok folks, It's been a week since I moved out. I gave her the space she asked for and I got drilled for shutting her out!


She is obviously confused, unsure and frightened by this all. Weight loss, self medication, changing positions…… It all adds up to she doesn’t know what she wants. Since you’ve moved out already I suggest you stay there for now. Continue to give her space but let her know you are there for her. Lack of emotional support is what got you here in the first place. Show her you are there for her now. If she leans on you, listen, listen, listen… Then ask questions. Don’t jump in with solutions, promises or statements of undying love. Be the strong one as she moves through this. That is likely what she needs. Stay strong.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Thanks Amplexor, you are correct about the lack of emotional support. I have been so caught up in trying to save my business that I really did not pay enough attention to the important things in my life. It really is hard trying to do the right things now only to be shot down and told no or I am too busy with work. The direction she is taking at this point is only going to lead to a nervous breakdown and distance herself from our child. I just hope that I am not putting effort into something that is not going to survive.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Don’t go into this with a defeatist attitude or it will fail. Believe that you can reverse this and put all your efforts to it. If in the end the marriage does end then you will have the piece of mind that you did all you could to save it. For a spouse to come back after they have detached is an arduous feat. Give it time and effort for you both.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

I am not into this with a defeated attitude, sorry to sound that way. I love my wife but it is hard to have a positive attitude when I don't know from her if what I'm doing is having a positive affect. Your certainly correct that I will have piece if mind knowing that I gave this relationship my best shot. The hurt that our son is going through is not good for him and she should try a bit more in my opinion. Her being crabby after a long day is no reason to scold him because of simple things (like losing his house key). I have talked to him and reassured him this situation is not his fault and to try and be positive as well, but he is still a young boy that wants his mommy and daddy together.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

sirch said:


> I love my wife but it is hard to have a positive attitude when I don't know from her if what I'm doing is having a positive affect.


Don’t be overly alarmed by this. Many spouses who disconnect will not give any signs that they appreciate the other’s efforts. They are *detached!* Give it time.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Well, I took the dog with me like she asked. She seemed to be happy about that, it's kinda nice to have something to talk to in the evenings! We spoke on the phone talking about it and she did say something to the affect " it's only temporary", I sorta took that as a sign that maybe things will turn around. Of course it could be just my emotions playing tricks on me. Anyway, I did feel better and actually got some sleep last night for the first time in a week.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

sirch said:


> We spoke on the phone talking about it and she did say something to the affect " it's only temporary", I sorta took that as a sign that maybe things will turn around. Of course it could be just my emotions playing tricks on me.


It would be wise not to put too much emphasis in this statement from her but it is a good sign. She is not settled in her mind yet. Continue to support her and ready to communicate with her when she is ready. Practice patience in this. You didn’t get here overnight, you won’t recover that quickly either. Good luck.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Thanks Amp, it's nice to have someone keep me grounded and pointed in the right direction. The advice is greatly appreciated.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Hello folks, I had a good night last night. After taking our son to b'ball practice me and my wife talked and cuddled for about an hour. She actually told me she doesn't want a divource, that made me feel good. We have a big date planned for the 31st, formal affair and we both are excited about it. I emailed her and told her to pack an overnight bag and to wear something sexy under her dress. I plan on getting a nice hotel room for the evening, I sure hope all goes as planned.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Thats so great hope you have a fantastic time good luck


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Just an update for you all, Haven't gone to the ball yet that's this sat. I did have to have a colonoscopy today though, it made it better because my wife did take me, being the nurse that she is. I think she still does care. Well we got back home and actually took a nap together. You don't know how good it felt to feel her in my arms! Here's the big thing, when I woke up I went looking for her and realized she went to the gym. I went into the office and found her mailbox open. I did snoop and I think she may be having a affair with a doctor, cannot be sure how far things went but I think now I know why the sudden change and detachment behavior over the last month or two. Right now I'm playing it cool, not enough evidence, but I believe my gut instinct was right all along. I was really excited about this weekend and she seems to be too, but this revelation has me really turned upside down. Should I go through this big date and continue to be sneaky or what?


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## Kiwi (Jan 28, 2009)

Hiya Buddy, its been a week now since my wife left me and if i can give you some advice, and itll be hard to take.........stay away from the emails, you know carry on with the weekend and concentrate on HER, concentrate on the little things (this is what i believe i missed) SHE should be your life, basically dot on her for the whole time you are togeather, this is your chance to make up, build and improve what you did have. Ive just come here because its part of my healing process and i try to stay focused on that my wife and i are going to be better than ever.....and you should too!


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Thanks kiwi, the support I recieve here is great not to mention therapuetic. It's with the advice from all of you I get that helps me stay focused and grounded. My wife actually asked me to come over this evening and watch a movie with her, too bad I'll have to leave and make that hour drive afterwards. It would be nice to wake up and take our son to school. Oh well baby steps right?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Colonoscopy, been there, done that, got the T-Shirt. It sucks!!! What in her email lead you to believe she is having an affair? Specifics!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

If you are not sure whether she crossed the line with this man or not, I would continue with the plans since she seems to be coming around as far as your marriage is concerned and may be having second thoughts about where that was going with him. 

If you do know it was an inappropriate relationship, you will need to decide if it's something you can get past, but at that point I think you will need to get it out on the table with her and talk it through to be sure she has completely ended that and is honest with you about it.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

I think everything will come out when we start counseling. I've made an appointment and she has agreed that help is the best thing we can get right now, I couldn't believe she agreed to go. It's going to be long road but if there was a physical affair I don't know if I could stay with her.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Hey folks, just wanted to update everyone. Last night was the big ball, and let me tell you that I have never seen my wife that beautiful. She was stunning and I never let a moment pass to tell her exactly that. Dinner was great, we went to a very nice place and had good conversation. She had too much to drink though and ended up crying when we got to the suite, and passing out. This morning was great, good b'fast, back to room and well you know! She said I overwhelmed her but still has refused to say I love you. I did look through her phone and found a text to her friend stating that she misses the guy she was having an affair with. I think that it's over but can never be sure. She has no idea that I know about it but I'm sure it will come out in counseling. I do know this guy sorta and that he is married, I think sometimes I want to send his wife an anonymous note informing her so he can suffer like I have. Probably not a good idea but hell it sure would make me feel better in a sneaky way! What do ya'll think, should I?


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## seekingAdvice3 (Oct 6, 2008)

How could you not confront your wife about this? Seems to me like you have pretty clear evidence. I'm not saying it can't be overcome, but you're sort of giving her way too much of a benefit of the doubt, or you don't want to live up the the fact that your wife is having or had an affair. I wouldn't assume it's done, maybe right now while things are picking back up she's not doing anything behind your back, but at some point she'll either go back or you guys need to get it out in the open and go from there. Don't hide from what appears to be very real or you'll just hurt much much more later.

Do you know why she was crying? She "refused" to say I love you? Those are not good signs, unless you think they were tears of joy- but that would likely be followed by I love you. Stand up for yourself, don't attack her for having an affair, but try your best to sincerely tell her your concerns and ask her, if she says no or lies, then show her the proof.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

sirch said:


> I do know this guy sorta and that he is married, I think sometimes I want to send his wife an anonymous note informing her so he can suffer like I have. Probably not a good idea but hell it sure would make me feel better in a sneaky way! What do ya'll think, should I?


Informing TOM’s wife is a pretty heavy handed tactic but it can be effective but only if it is an ongoing affair that you can’t get her to end. Also you need to be absolutely sure it is an affair or you could hurt a family badly with unfounded accusations. I’d tuck that trump card away for now.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Thanks guys for the advice. Yea, I am going to leave the other one out of it for now, I do think it's over but again who knows. She was crying telling me that she was just overwhelmed, that I gave her everything she has been asking for all these years in one night. My thoughts are if she hadn't been " pretending " that everything was ok all these years we could have dealt with our marriage much better. I'm thinking about seeking the advice of an attorney just to see where I may stand in this situation. I don't believe she is agreeing to marriage counseling for all the right reasons. I have watched the movie fireproof and it sure did hit close to home, I left it for her and she watched it last night. She hasn't said a word about it, almost like it had no affect on her. I do believe I have enough proof to file for adultery, I would like to see what my chances are of getting custody of my son. My business right now is in the toilet, no profit last year, we lived off of her salary ( which is very good). I have actually wanted to shut this business down and go back to work welding but she keeps telling me not to, that business will turn around, I don't know what to do at this point in my life. If you would have told me I would be in this position 10 months ago I would have thought you were crazy. Oh well day by day I guess......


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## seekingAdvice3 (Oct 6, 2008)

so now it sounds like you want out? from what i read before it sounded like you were just hoping to death things would turn around. probably doesn't hurt to look into things legally, and let me know what you find out I might need some advice on that!


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

No I don't want out, I still want this to turn around. It's just hard to have hope after I do something nice and all I get is a thank you. I think maybe a lawyer could at least prevent me from doing something that may hurt or hinder my chances of gaining custody of my son. I have made a few calls to some lawyer friends, I want the meanest, best one out there. One lawyer friend (he doesn't practice family law) said I should get my kid, alimony, and sue that other dr. guy. Seekingadvice I will definately let everyone know what happens, good or bad. You know it sure would be easier if I had anger and bitterness toward her, but strangely I don't. I really do love my wife but I'll tell you this much, there will NEVER be another ring on my finger again.


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## seekingAdvice3 (Oct 6, 2008)

I hear ya man. So question, was your marriage rocky from the get-go? What was it like your first couple years? Peace and harmony? Sex all the time?

I've only been married 2 years and it's been hell. It's almost like marriage is a big set up for hurt, it's SO hard for everythign to align perfectly, especially in today's society.

FYI" you said "you want the meanest, best lawyer out there" followed by a statement saying it's weird you don't have any anger. Those are directly conflicting statements, and I'd be SHOCKED if you didn't have anger, maybe you're just not accepting it?

Personally, I'm FURIOUS at my wife, among many other feelings, dissapointment, lonely, sadness, but at the same time some "relief" as we've been separated for a week now.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Yea, our marriage was good out the box, traveled, sex all the time, etc. I have all of the same feelings as you except the anger. I wish I could become just an ******* and quit all of this trying, get a divorce and move on.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Last night I finally asked my wife if she was having an affair, her reply was no. That there has been some heavy flirting, on both of their parts but decided it was too stressful to deal with and called it quits. She said nothing physical happened. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I am still going to be cautious. We start counseling this Friday and I am kinda scared of what may come out. Has any of you been to a counselor and what was it like?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Yes, we went. In our case the counselor spent time asking questions and listening. The stressful part of it was the baggage that got dragged out but the sessions them selves were not uncomfortable if that makes sense. You have asked her about an affair and she has answered you. Unless your strongly feel she is being untruthful with you try to now regain trust in her.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Thanks Amplexor, I believe that is what is scarring me is what is going to come out. I believe that I am pretty transparent, she has had access to everything, my email, phone records, etc. and her's are all through her work. Wish us luck and keep us in your prayers.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

sirch said:


> Thanks Amplexor, I believe that is what is scarring me is what is going to come out. I believe that I am pretty transparent, she has had access to everything, my email, phone records, etc. and her's are all through her work. Wish us luck and keep us in your prayers.


that was my fear too. what will probably come out (if you look at it right) is a pretty clear blueprint of what needs to happen for reconciliation. i got that my wife's self worth would be less in her own eyes if she took me back, that she felt huge pressure to fix our financial woes and that i should take a more active role it that, and that we were horrible communicators.
your biggest fears will not materialize. just stay focused on what is said, the meat of the matter. best to you.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Frustrating, frustrating, frustating! Yesterday my wife emailed me, told me she was looking forward to counseling Friday and would I like to come over and eat dinner. After dinner while lying on the couch together she tells me she is not optamistic about how things are going to turn out, I asked why and she said she doesn't know she just feels this way. Then wants to go to our bedroom and have sex! I don't know what to make of her at this point. Any ideas?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

She is lost, confused and searching. She may be overwhelmed with it all. Be steady, patient and confident with her. She is looking for help.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Thanks Amp, I believe your correct and I have been steady and patient but it is hard to be confident. The other evening on the phone she was sad, told me she missed me but wasn't sure she wanted me to come home yet. As I said Friday we go to the counselor and after we are going out to dinner so hopefully all goes well.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Hello everyone, just to update we went to the counselor Friday. Basically all we did was tell all our problems. Nothing very constuctive came from it but I guess the counselor needed to know where we were so she can get us going in the right direction. My wife and I both go back for individual sessions this week. Things are still confusing though, Came by to drop of our son, talked to my wife and ended up in bed. Do ya'll think sleeping together is a good thing or bad?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

That’s a difficult call. How did she feel afterwards? How did you? Remember, counseling will take just to get it all out on the table. Be patient, a good counselor won’t come up with a complete solution after just one session


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

I have to tell ya Amplexor, that she and I really needed an afternoon romp in the hay! If there is one thing we are good at it is sex, I believe we both felt good afterwards. My question is should I take it as just sex, no strings attached or read into it that maybe she does still have some hope for our marriage. As far as counseling goes I never believed that one session would make everything better, I wish it could. The counselor did ask both if we are committed and she (as well as I) did say yes, a small positive sign I know. The other thing that has me concerned is she told the counselor she can't tell me something ( I don't know what) because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I don't know how anything could make this matter worse other than she has given up. What's ya'lls take?


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