# Married for 21 years and no longer feel happy



## Momof6 (Aug 21, 2009)

Hello there. I have been married for almost 21 years to my High School Sweetheart, we dated for 8 years before we got married. So we've been together for almost 30 years. 
The past few years I really haven't been satisfied in my marriage. Things changed between us and we haven't gotten back to where we used to be. 
I find he has changed quite alot in many areas and alot of the time I cringe at what he does,what he says etc. He's very old fashioned and not totally for women's lib. He somewhat beleives a wife should be there for her husband to cook,clean,be at his beck and call, etc. 
When we were 1st married I was actaully doing this but now I am quite resentful of his way of thinking. I found since I gave up catering to his every whim,which he was used to at home with his Mom, things changed between us. We have 4 daughters and I don't want my daughters growing up thinking that their job in life is catering to a man's every whim and being a doting,dutiful wife. 
I want them to be independent and to be able to rely on themselves and not a man. I jokingly tell them never to marry,to stay single and enjoy themselves, but sometimes I'm serious. 
I don't think my dh is totally happy with the way things are either and he is so not the type who'd go for counselling or evn to talk things out. He's not good at communicating at all. 
Just wondering if anybody else who's been married for a long time and/or has been with the same guy for many years feel this way? 
We have 6 kids and I'm feeling the kids are detecting my unhappiness in my marriage and I don't want to stress them.
Thanks for any input!


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## carilynn (Aug 19, 2009)

How old are your kids? Or what age of the youngest? I have been married 24 yrs, and know if I had to do it over again.... I would do things a lot differently! My husband was somewhat "old" fashioned in thinking also. A wife is for cooking, cleaning, some of our worst arguments when first married were about this. I was very independent thinker, as least I thought I was. He is no longer like that at all. Thank goodness. And I can relate to the resentment you mentioned. All we really do is small talk now for the past week. My kids, both are older , but still live at home. I tried to shelter my feelings for so long, hide them, and keep everything inside. But they are old enough that they can see and feel it, heck even a baby can tell when there is tention. As far as counseling, my H has always had a negative tone about it. We went 15 yrs ago, and I have gone at times for myself in dealing with loss of my mom. During the past few months I went a couple times for advice, but always seems like the sessions were time for me to vent. 
I have posted under "considering seperation" if your interested? Also found the post "Love is tough" very helpful, and great info.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

This is one of those situations where Ann Landers would say, go to counseling without him. Be aware that any changes you make will change the relationship and, if he's unwilling to go with the flow, the marriage may become more stressful. It is certainly within your rights to insist on joint counseling for the sake of the children. Only you can decide how serious the need for change is and how much you are or are not willing to push the issue.

We change as we get older and each of us must be allowed to grow as a human being. You may be able to do this in ways that do not threaten your husband, but you need to discuss this with your counselor for strategies to help him adapt to a more mature version of "you." You will also want to consider what you want if he is resistant to changes you make and his resistance becomes objectionable to you. You will be "rocking the boat," but that is your right. At the same time, you have to consider the value you put on the marriage and how much rocking you are willing to do. It may be possible to find outlets that don't threaten him, and that's great. Just be very careful about trading your personal happiness for his. He is making choices, too, if he is refusing counseling and resisting change. Best of luck.


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## 4myboys (Aug 18, 2009)

Hi, Your H sounds a lot like mine, there is absolutely no communication b/w us, and he will never get help about it either. Are you in this marriage because of the girls or just because u want to be here. Sometimes we think we should stay i this for the kids but when the kids start to notice that things are not with their parents, what then? Am sure you hv tried talking to him, what is his take on your relationship, does he feel the same? Or is he happy with the way things are?


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## Momof6 (Aug 21, 2009)

Thanks for all your responses ladies, I so appreciate your input!
Carilyn-(love your name btw)  My kids are 20,16,14,12,7 and 2 1/2 years old. Diverse ages there eh? LOL 
It's funny because my oldest daughter is a very liberated young lady and she is so focused on her University Degree and her future career, that the furthest thing from her mind is finding a man! hee hee When I was her age , dh and I had been dating almost 5 years & all I could think about was becoming his wife and having a baby!!
That's the furthest thing from her mind!! Thank goodness! LOL
As I mentioned in the above post, I didn't always feel this way. 
When we were 1st married I gave up my job to be a sahm with our 1st baby , thikning that down the road I would return to the work force one day!! 
Well that one day never came! As we had 5 more babies after that (which I whole hearedly don't regret for a moment). So I've been complelety financially dependent on him for all these years. And he's not mean with the finances or anything but sometimes when I make certain purchases he might say little sarcastic things.
I don't like the feeling of being 100% financially dependent on my dh and I so encourage my daughters to strive for a carreer and be financiallly independent. 
There are days I feel I still Love him but there are also days I don't feel that way 
His communcation skills were never the best even when we dated and were 1st married but they were better than they are now. I cannot confide in him at all about anything, I just feel there's no emotional support there.
I suffered a miscarriage about 10 years ago and it ws the most devavstating thing for me (other than my Mom passing away) 
I went through a really tough time and had a hard time dealing with the loss and he couldn't understand why I was such a wreck. His response was , it's natures way of taking care of something that may not have been right! 
I'm like what the he**? 
Anyway, I mourned the loss of my lost baby alone and then only a year later I lost my Mom and knowing I couldn't rely on his support, I went through this grief alone as well. 
4myboys- I really don' t know if he's happy with the way things are! I know he deosn't like that I don't cater to him the way I did in the beginning and that I don't cook,clean,bake , etc. up to his standards! 
In his defense he loves his kids dearly, as do I and everything I do is for my kids. My kids come 1st and foremost. He is a very good provider and my kids don't go without,matter of fact they probably get too much. He' s ahands on Dad alot of the time but then there are times I feel I am parenting alone.
I think he wants a marriage like his parents,who've been married 61 years. But the difference is , his Mom continued to cater to his Dad all through their marriage and was the obedient wife who did as she was expected and never spoke her own opinion or did her own thing.
The woman dedicated her entire life to pleasing her husband and never did anything for herself, even her husband came ahead of her kids. 
You see I cannot do that.My Mom was an independent lady, who was a teacher and supported the family all by herself after my Dad passed at he age of 43. She was a super strong lady (my hero) and that is who I try to model myself after. 
She didn't like the idea that I gave up my career to be a full time Mom and wife, but she never hassled me about it however! She used to say that I should really think it over, because years down the road I might regret the decsion. 
Why are Moms always right? LOL 
Anyway, I don't dislike my husband enough to consider divorce but maybe a seperation may help things, I don't know. I just know that my life is my kids and without them I don't know what I'd do  
Thanks again for all your advice and questions!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> Anyway, I mourned the loss of my lost baby alone and then only a year later I lost my Mom and knowing I couldn't rely on his support, I went through this grief alone as well.


I'm sorry you had to go through these things alone, and I suspect that may have something to do with how you feel now. Maybe you learned you were alone in the marriage in the sense that you cannot depend on him to "be there" for you. I know that when, early in our marriage, my husband failed to show support in a crisis--flipped out, actually--I both loss respect for him and did not feel safe or that I could trust him with my happiness and with what was important to me. I began to withdraw slowly in other ways, too, and we had more issues as well, not worth going in to. I learned I was 100% able to take care of myself, and my fears of being alone vanished. I grew up quickly in ways I hadn't before and become very independent. I don't know if this will strike a cord with you, but just thought I'd throw it out there. The fact that you dislike the financial dependence suggests to me that you don't like being "yoked" when you don't "need" it. I could be wrong again, of course!


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## Fitzgerald41 (Jul 18, 2010)

I've been married 14years together 17 & im truly unhappy to the point of divorce. I thought my husband would change his insecurties about me but after all these years he's still very jealous and won't allow me to do anything if he's not a part of it or go anywhere if he's not taking me, which totally elemniates me spending time with family and friends. He becomes very verbally abusive and accuses me of cheating any time i say i want to go or do something without him, I feel like im in prison or will be 15 forever, but he tells me he love me but just can't trust me and im tried of living this way. He says to me"im a good man" and he is he's a provider, not a cheater, don't run the streets don"t physically abuse me but what about not listening to my needs, what makes me happy, suppoting me and allow me to be my own person, have my own indiviualty, enjoy my family and friends. I have no problem coming to a comprise we both will be happy with but it's his program or get to stepping. Mind you theres no restriction on what he chooses to do because he's not a cheater and can"t get rape Oh did i say that another reason for me not be able to go anywhere? Love or control? What do you say? I'm ready for some peace and freedom in this 1 life God gave to ME not him to live and enjoy and since it's been a marriage which started with trust issues and after 17yrs ther still ther very strong so im ready to take these years as experience take the children, 3 in high school ,1 in middle ,1 in 1st year com. college, and embark on a new life, I don't have i here. I miss the simple things in life like SHOPPING LOL!


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