# Am I overreacting? Are husband's lies not a big deal?



## MizzAngel007

Hello all. I am brand new here but so glad I found a place to get some good feedback. A little background: 

My husband and I first met online over 5 years ago. We had this an instantaneous connection and we both fell hard and fast in love.To be honest, I fell in love with him before we even met in person. We spent 2 months talking to each other pretty much all day every day. At the time we lived in different states so we didn't meet in person for a few months. When we did everything was just perfect. I honestly thought I had found my soulmate. We dated for a year in which we lived in different states but spent as many weekends together as we could. It was completely and utterly blissful. We got along so well and truly enjoyed being together. It was like a fairy tale romance. After a year me, and my 3 children, relocated to be with him and his son. We had another 2 years of complete happiness. At that point in 3 years we had never had not even 1 argument. It was seriously perfection. 

Then one day I snooped and found that he had lied to me. I found out that the year before he had messaged his ex on Facebook several times. In fact a lot of the conversations he initiated. His ex and sons bio mother who had not seen or even called to talk to her son, no child support, not even a birthday card in 3.5 years. I will say that from what I saw there was no talk of getting back together or anything sexual. HOWEVER, there was not one mention of their son, which had they been talking about him I would have understood a bit more. And he had also said several times over the years that he hadn't heard a word from her. I had even asked a couple times if he had heard from her and he always said he hadn't heard a word from her since he and I got together. On one occasion his niece had mentioned that she heard my his ex had another baby and my husband even told her that he didn't know anything about that cause he hadn't heard from her in years. Yet in the messages he asked several times about how she was doing with the pregnancy and about how her daughter was. My point being that he deliberately lied to me many times. When I confronted him he basically said I was crazy, that I was overreacting, and it wasn't that big of a deal. I felt, and still do, that it was a huge deal. He had broken my heart and put a big chip in our previously perfect relationship. But we did get past it and things were good. 

Over the next 2 years we got married and just this June I gave birth to our son. In October I felt like he was acting a little different or somewhat distant with me. His behavior just seemed out of character. It was concerning to me and I will admit that I am a jealous person so I asked him if he was talking to someone at work or something. He said "I never talk to anyone at work because I know how jealous you are". I found that hard to believe so I questioned him some more and he was adamant that he never talked to anyone at all at work about anything other than business.

Literally the next day I found out that he had been what I consider flirting, with a female coworker. I read some messages between him and her. Basically the messages were her telling him he needed to go home and get some sex. He responded that he definitely isn't getting enough. She mentioned something about her eating and that she can't get enough food. To which my husband replied "Nothing wrong with that, I like some extra meat on a woman". She said she has plenty of that and the messages ended with his response of "hehehehehe". Of course I was devastated. We had just recently gotten married and had our son only a few months earlier. And here he was lying to me, talking about sex, and flirting with another woman. Since finding out about the messages I have learned there were several occasions in the weeks before that they had, what I would consider, flirted with each other. Things like him playfully kicking her, or her leaning over him to type on his keyboard and send a message (under my husband's account) to another coworker calling them sexy and telling them to meet in the bathroom.

I was shocked and completely heartbroken. It hurts more that he says it isn't fair that I "always bring it up" or that "I act like he cheated or something" and it makes him feel bad. When he says those things it absolutely infuriates me. Number 1, in my mind he basically almost did cheat. Sex talk, flirting, and hiding it from your spouse is cheating in my opinion. In fact he and I agreed years ago that our definition of cheating was any actions or conversations that you felt the need to hide from your significant other. And who knows how far it would have gone if I hadn't seen the messages when I did.* Number 2 he is the one that was wrong, he should feel bad. And Number 3, how can he try and guilt me for, in his words, constantly bringing it up. It just happened last month. Literally 5 weeks ago. And he also says it hurts him that I don't trust him. I feel it isn't fair at all for him to try and make me feel guilty at all.

How can I trust him again after these 2 different incidents?
He says that it has been 2 years since I caught him lying and talking to his ex and that isn't even relevant now. I say it is completely relevant and that these 2 incidents make it feel as if this is a pattern and not just a one time mistake. Am I right to be so hurt over this? Am I being too jealous? Is it wrong to tell him how much it has hurt me and as he said "make him feel bad"? This has put a huge strain on our once perfect relationship. Recently he has even told me a few times that he doesn't love me. But when I say we shouldn't be together he gets upset and says that I clearly don't care. Or that I should try and make him love me again. I feel if anyone should be putting in extra to fix the relationship it is him. Am I wrong to feel this way? 

This is so hard for me as I have never felt so loved as I have by him. He made me feel like the only woman in the world. For 3 years I never once doubted him, or our relationship at all. Our love and the relationship was beyond perfect. Easy and effortless we loved each other endlessly. Now we have been fighting more and more. Becoming more distant. Is there any hope of us finding each other and that complete love and happiness we once shared?


----------



## personofinterest

No, you are not overreacting.

No.matter what he says
No matter what you weigh
No matter your sex life
No matter your possible imperfections

You are NOT overreacting.

If you were bantering with other men like that, NO ONE would excuse it.

What he is doing is wrong.

Period.


----------



## BigToe

Yep, he's wrong. Period.

However, I also think you are wrong to put so much emphasis on your courting and early years as an illustration of perfection. No relationship is perfect so don't think of his current behavior as such a "loss" of innocence.


----------



## sunsetmist

Your husband is a chronic flirt. He enjoys the high. Don' compare your relationship in the past to now--that is futile. He is trying to control you through your jealousy. Telling you that he doesn't love you may be truth or may be emotional abuse--now that he has you he wants to move on to other prey.

Be a mature adult--don't be needy. You can change you, but not him. I'd sit down and have a 'Come to Jesus' meeting with him. Agree to boundaries acceptable to both and stick to that. Discuss deal breakers. He may be in or out of your marriage, but then you will know how to proceed. Good luck.


----------



## MizzAngel007

You make a good point. I know that no relationship is completely perfect and I do need to let that go a little. Especially now because we cannot go back.


----------



## MizzAngel007

BigToe said:


> Yep, he's wrong. Period.
> 
> However, I also think you are wrong to put so much emphasis on your courting and early years as an illustration of perfection. No relationship is perfect so don't think of his current behavior as such a "loss" of innocence.





MizzAngel007 said:


> You make a good point. I know that no relationship is completely perfect and I do need to let that go a little. Especially now because we cannot go back.


----------



## MizzAngel007

I really think my biggest fear is that we will not recover from this. I know that may seem far fetched. But I also know how hard of a time I personally have with letting things go. I know it isn't like he had sex with someone else but it doesn't feel that much different to me. I love him, I really do and I want things to work between us. I just hope that I can get past this at some point because I know that if I don't my now lack of trust will just make us both miserable.


----------

