# Emotional Cheating - Advice Needed



## Sarah91 (Jul 30, 2021)

Its been 7 months since I found out that my husband is an emotional cheater. I thought time would help me heal but I am still stuck in a place where I am feeling conflicted.

We met in late 2017 through an online dating app. We dated for 2 years before getting engaged in mid 2019. And fast forward, we got married in early 2020 and have one son now.

Basically it was on a fateful night last December when I found out about what he has been doing. I have never been the kind to check his phone throughout our relationship. I had trust in him.

On that night, we had to switch phones as he had problems returning the rented car using his phone. So I was sitting under the block scrolling through his IG. It was the first time I did this. When i went in to his DMs, I saw a few inappropriate messages with a few women. He would say things like ‘call me so I know where you’re at’, ‘if i were the actor, i would take your hand and propose’, ‘smoking hot’ etc.

I was just shocked beyond words. I also found out that he looks through random female’s profiles on IG. At this point, I was in my second trimester. So the emotions were raging. I confronted him and he was just dumbfounded. Apparently he had been doing this since forever.

As we are trying to reconcile for the past few months, he admitted further that he talked to one of the women on the phone while we were dating.When asked why he did what he did, his reasons were: its been a habit since secondary school to flirt, he gets a rush of emotions when they reply him, he likes to look at beautiful girls. He did say though that he had no intention of meeting them nor did he have any feelings for them. He also said back then, he didn’t know what he did was wrong cause his values were skewed.

He did delete all his social media and disconnected with his close friends (they knew about his behaviour back then and encouraged him). He said that he is a changed person. That he no longer does all those things.

However, I have been a very unhealthy mental and emotional state for the past 7 months after finding out.I even tried online counselling, tried to look at his good points etc but I still feel so hurt. I feel that being with him doesn’t make me feel good about myself, after finding out what he did. It makes me want to change things about myself which I know isn’t right.
I need advice on what or how I should move ahead. I’m so torn. Part of me wants the marriage to work. But part of me cannot accept what he has done. Please advice 🙏🏻


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Welcome to TAM, @Sarah91. Sorry you had to seek us out, but glad you found us.

Where do you live? What are the laws regarding separation, divorce, child support etc?

Have you spoken with a lawyer to learn what your legal rights are?

Would counselling as a couple work?

Has he ever physically cheated on you? It might be worth getting an STD test, just in case.


----------



## Willnotbill (May 13, 2021)

Sarah91 said:


> I was just shocked beyond words.* I also found out that he looks through random female’s profiles on IG*.


I would worry about this so much. A lot of people search people out and blindly follow them on social media. It could be former co-workers, former classmates, ex boy/girlfriend, etc. People do that to see what they are doing not nessicarily to hook up with them. As long as their is no conversation going on I wouldn't put much weight on this.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

What did the counsellor say about his online behaviour?

I am very wary of people who need validation online, these people are of a certain breed. Yes we communicate a lot online now, but anyone beyond their early 20s still doing this is a worry.

Does he have a long term group of friends that he meets face to face regularly or is all of his social interaction online (I notice you mentioned you met on an app).

I don’t think you’re at fault or it’s anything you’ve done at all, this is who he is. And I don’t believe much of what he’s told you - sure he’s deleted everything. For now.


----------



## Sarah91 (Jul 30, 2021)

Willnotbill said:


> I would worry about this so much. A lot of people search people out and blindly follow them on social media. It could be former co-workers, former classmates, ex boy/girlfriend, etc. People do that to see what they are doing not nessicarily to hook up with them. As long as their is no conversation going on I wouldn't put much weight on this.


Thats the thing, I never had issues with him having friends that are of the oppposite sex or talking to them before I knew of his intentions doing so. He actually flirts with them, giving them that power to feel like they are wanted. I don’t think I can ever look past that. He even admitted saying he goes through so many random female profiles just cause they good looking. I mean if you’re single and you do that, its fine. But you’re married and expecting a child. I don’t see the need to look up on the opposite sex online if you’re in a committed r/s. It shows how much he disrespects or values me. And sadly, this has affected me too much that I’m on the brink of becoming crazy. It could be simple things like we’re out and about and he would glance at other females. And that would tick me off.


----------



## Sarah91 (Jul 30, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> Welcome to TAM, @Sarah91. Sorry you had to seek us out, but glad you found us.
> 
> Where do you live? What are the laws regarding separation, divorce, child support etc?
> 
> ...


I am living in Singapore. I’m not looking at separating right now. Whats sad is we’re about to get our house too. So there’s many things on the line if we do go down that road.
I have yet to try couple’s counselling. Only did individual counselling. Most of the things the counsellor mentioned was to help me cope with the heavy emotions, like practicing mindfulness etc. It does help when I get overwhelmed with emotions. But I still find myself in a conflict. I just cannot accept that he would do that to me. Its not like we were facing any problems or anything. 
I never thought of him getting an STD test. I believe he didn’t physically cheat I guess.


----------



## Sarah91 (Jul 30, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> What did the counsellor say about his online behaviour?
> 
> I am very wary of people who need validation online, these people are of a certain breed. Yes we communicate a lot online now, but anyone beyond their early 20s still doing this is a worry.
> 
> ...


The counsellor didn’t really focused on his behaviour. It was more of helping me manage my emotions. But she did say that it isn’t my fault for not knowing he was such a person. Cause I placed alot of blame on myself for not knowing better.
Exactly! I don’t see why he needs that rush of emotions from all these females. Honestly I find his reasons to be lame and unjustified. He can even say that its because he likes to talk to people. I told him talking and flirting are two different things. 
He does have a group of long term friends but all of them are equally like him. They are a bad influence and engage in almost the same things he does. The screenshot was a conversation he had with one of his friends. This happened when he was dating me for a year and we already applied for a house back then.








Anyway thank you for reassuring me that it has nothing to do with me. Honestly as time passes, I don’t feel good about myself when I’m with him knowing what he had done. And I’ve never felt that way before.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Oh dear. She said he was amazing and he had a whole conversation about it. You’re married to a silly insecure Peter Pan. 

You have a good counsellor, I’d really stick with her and work on your self esteem, she sounds good.


----------



## Sarah91 (Jul 30, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Oh dear. She said he was amazing and he had a whole conversation about it. You’re married to a silly insecure Peter Pan.
> 
> You have a good counsellor, I’d really stick with her and work on your self esteem, she sounds good.


Thank you for the advice 🙏🏻 Appreciate it lots 💜


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your counsellor seems good.

Your husband needs to cut out people who encouraged him to cheat.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Sarah91 said:


> The counsellor didn’t really focused on his behaviour. It was more of helping me manage my emotions. But she did say that it isn’t my fault for not knowing he was such a person. Cause I placed alot of blame on myself for not knowing better.
> Exactly! I don’t see why he needs that rush of emotions from all these females. Honestly I find his reasons to be lame and unjustified. He can even say that its because he likes to talk to people. I told him talking and flirting are two different things.
> He does have a group of long term friends but all of them are equally like him. They are a bad influence and engage in almost the same things he does. The screenshot was a conversation he had with one of his friends. This happened when he was dating me for a year and we already applied for a house back then.
> View attachment 77164
> ...


 The worst part of this is the girl he is talking about to his friend might not even be a woman 
the internet is full of people sad sick feckers that go on line and act that they are not act their age or sex some are old men playing with fools and some are kids wanting to get a kick out of playing with others , 

but if it is the case it changes little as he gets some form of excitement from this type chat,
a bit like the guy of 45 that tries to seduce a 22 year old just to prove to himself he can still draw 
young women to him ,

what he did is wrong you do not say what he offers to you as prof that he will not do the same again 
and that this has now stopped or that he cuts himself off from all temptation and people that think this is good or fun 

trust has been lost and even if he gives you reason to think he has stopped a part of you will never again trust him 
the night he is late getting home it will bring this back 
the night he tells you he has to go on a trip for work part of you will think of this 

how he can rebuild your trust I don't know how anyone does I don't know 
but sorry you did not know this before you had a baby together ,


----------



## Sarah91 (Jul 30, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> The worst part of this is the girl he is talking about to his friend might not even be a woman
> the internet is full of people sad sick feckers that go on line and act that they are not act their age or sex some are old men playing with fools and some are kids wanting to get a kick out of playing with others ,
> 
> but if it is the case it changes little as he gets some form of excitement from this type chat,
> ...


I also don’t know how to rebuild the trust. And you’re right. If he comes home late etc, it will just make me feel more insecure. I don’t know how to continue living in that condition.
Thats how I feel. I wished I had found out before I got pregnant. Then it would have been a little easier to make a decision. Now, I need to also think of our son and how whatever decision I make is gonna affect him. 😓


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Sarah91 said:


> He does have a group of long term friends but all of them are equally like him. They are a bad influence and engage in almost the same things he does


This is a really salient point ..... there was a time in my life that I judged myself by the actions of others around me. I did what they did, said what they said, I learned to be just like them. I was one of the "...I'm ok.....you're ok...." crowd.

Perhaps your husband has not yet achieved enough maturity to know that there's an entire world who's hell bound....and enjoying the ride..... I was more than 30 years old before I actually recognized that I needed to get rid of these influences.

There was also a time in my life when I considered that the only adultery was sex. If I didn't take a girl's clothes off, it wasn't "cheating"...... your husband may have never considered his actions in light of your feelings. He may have never considered this disrespectful.


----------



## Sarah91 (Jul 30, 2021)

TJW said:


> This is a really salient point ..... there was a time in my life that I judged myself by the actions of others around me. I did what they did, said what they said, I learned to be just like them. I was one of the "...I'm ok.....you're ok...." crowd.
> 
> Perhaps your husband has not yet achieved enough maturity to know that there's an entire world who's hell bound....and enjoying the ride..... I was more than 30 years old before I actually recognized that I needed to get rid of these influences.
> 
> There was also a time in my life when I considered that the only adultery was sex. If I didn't take a girl's clothes off, it wasn't "cheating"...... your husband may have never considered his actions in light of your feelings. He may have never considered this disrespectful.


I see. Thank you for giving me your perspective.That’s exactly what he said. That he thought cheating only meant having sex. But how I view it is we were married and expecting a child and yet he continued that behaviour. I feel that by flirting with others,it’s already a breach of trust in any r/s.
I appreciate your pov though. Makes me see it in another light.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Sarah91 said:


> I feel that by flirting with others,it’s already a breach of trust in any r/s.


I would agree with you, being such an one as W the aged. Your husband is like me. He has some growing to do. I still do.

Dr. Phil once made a statement about his dog...... he said "...I'd trust my dog with my life.....but not with my sandwich....". You may find that your husband will take your feelings to his heart, going forward.


----------



## Sarah91 (Jul 30, 2021)

TJW said:


> I would agree with you, being such an one as W the aged. Your husband is like me. He has some growing to do. I still do.
> 
> Dr. Phil once made a statement about his dog...... he said "...I'd trust my dog with my life.....but not with my sandwich....". You may find that your husband will take your feelings to his heart, going forward.


Thank you. This has made me reflect on the situation and hopefully be kinder to him and myself. Appreciate it 🙏🏻


----------



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

I’m sorry to hear this , as mine is a similar situation with my husband and his online followings . It’s emotionally distressing to find out , and yes it’s her to not be suspicious all the time … I’m still trying to see where mine will go by just seeing if there is anything to salvage or whether it is time to move on . We don’t deserve being lied to and certainly not behind our backs , trust in what you feel and whether this is something you can work on still or not


----------



## Sarah91 (Jul 30, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> I’m sorry to hear this , as mine is a similar situation with my husband and his online followings . It’s emotionally distressing to find out , and yes it’s her to not be suspicious all the time … I’m still trying to see where mine will go by just seeing if there is anything to salvage or whether it is time to move on . We don’t deserve being lied to and certainly not behind our backs , trust in what you feel and whether this is something you can work on still or not


Hi Savannah,
I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through the same thing. But I totally agree that we need to see where this goes. Recently, we did a couples counselling session. The therapist actually managed to explain it to him in a way that made him understand that what he’s doing is just destroying the marriage. She also encouraged me to help him with this issue he’s facing. I think what’s hard is, like what you mentioned, we don’t deserve to be lied to. That hurts the most.


----------



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Sarah91 said:


> I see. Thank you for giving me your perspective.That’s exactly what he said. That he thought cheating only meant having sex. But how I view it is we were married and expecting a child and yet he continued that behaviour. I feel that by flirting with others,it’s already a breach of trust in any r/s.
> I appreciate your pov though. Makes me see it in another light.


Some men don’t realize flirting constitutes as a breach of trust as well — just because it isn’t physical doesn’t excuse the behavior. If they share affection and intent no matter what degree to another person that is not your partner , means yes it is emotional cheating .. PERIOD!


----------

