# My anxiety is making me push her away



## lostbuilder (Aug 5, 2010)

My wife of 2.5 years came to me 5 days ago and told me she wanted space. I didn't see this coming at all. At first she was going to move out but friends helped to convince her to stay and she doesn't want to uproot the children. I have a three and half year old daughter from a previous marriage that I signed away legal rights to during my divorce and haven't seen her since she was 8 months old, I know I am a complete loser for not being in her life, but I am now working on it. I made a huge mistake and I know it. My wife has tried to help me build a relationship with her, but I have been so scared to because I thought I had such a great marriage and I didn't want to cause any additional strain as it is hard enough to deal with our sons father. 

My father was married twice and the strain of my two half sisters caused so much fighting and pain in their marriage that I have have been scared to contact my ex. My wife has a six year old son from a previous marriage and we have a year and a half old daughter. I love her son like my own and have been in his life since just before he was 3. She said that she doesn't want a divorce and that she wants me in his life.

I went to a marriage counselor yesterday I told her my concerns about her thyroid and I how that could possibly be affecting her emotional health. My wife told me and her mother that she had scheduled appointments, but hadn't actually done it.

My wife has had thyroid problems after the birth of both children. This summer she has lost weight, she is the smallest I have ever seen her, she says that she feels like she has been drinking too much coffee and at the end of the day is exhausted. Her sex drive has been low, but I know that that happens after childbirth and have tried to be understanding and I know that she had sex with me just to make me happy, but she always seemed to enjoy it when we did. I always compliment her, tell her I love her and try to give her hugs and kisses randomly. I love her so much and I know she is an amazing mother and person. 

The reasons she gave were "everything", I hadn't worked on my relationship with my oldest daughter, my father and that I constantly chastised her about money, which I admit I have. She is more of an artist and doesn't save money at all. She buys things that are beyond our budget, we have nearly 20k in credit card debt and she was buying things for our daughter that were expensive and that she wouldn't even be able to really use, like baby grundens bottoms. I seriously doubt that we would ever have our 18 month old out in weather that requires gear like that. When we got together she had back taxes, insurance settlements and many bills in collections. We got those things taken care of and I have always made sure our bills were paid. She thinks that I have been hiding money or something because she doesn't follow the bills. I let her take over the monthly bills this winter and then we started getting late notices and NSF fees. I took the bills over again this spring and got us caught back up. I spoke to a financial advisor and I'm working on making our bills more transparent. I know that this is a problem for us and I will be working on myself. Any suggestions to not hound your spouse about money yet still pay bills?

My father and I haven't spoken for almost two years, until I went to him 3 days ago, didn't go well, more on that later) I emailed and called my ex-wife yesterday and she said we can talk in two weeks when she gets back in state.

We had planned to fix up the house and try to find a place with more space for the kids. So we have been doing a lot of improvements, all done by us, but still they cost money and I have been coming home from work and working on the house all summer. We had just got the last of the big work done when this started. I had plans to spend the rest of the summer with my family and just relax.

I didn't know what to do because this was such a complete shock to me and totally out of place for her. I went into her email and found a message to a mutual male friend where my wife said that she was falling for him, but that she didn't want to lead him on and couldn't start a relationship with him right now. I confronted her about it and I don't believe she has physically cheated on me, but the emotional energy she has put into him isn't appropriate. She, of course, is angry that I went into her email. The next big move that I made was something I thought made common sense. I told my counselor about my suspicions of her thyroid and that she had told me she made appointments when she hadn't. I suggested that I call her doctor and see if she would persuade her to come in, and my counselor agreed. My wife was even angrier with me after she got the call from the doctor. She did go in and had her blood work done and she told me tonight that nothing is wrong with it.

Now I have pushed her even further away through my anxious, controlling actions. I have moved in with my brother for now and will continue to pick the kids up and take care of them on the days she works and she said that she doesn't want a divorce, but I am still scared. I wrote the man she emailed and told him to stay away from her and he wrote back that my wife had asked his opinion on some things and that was it, but I believe there is more to it.

My plan is to give her the space, but she won't commit to couples counseling and I don't know if or when she will see someone. I am a nervous, anxious mess. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Please, anyone give me some direction or suggestions of what to do. I know this is jumbled and probably incoherent, but I had to try to get it all out. Please note that I am absolutely committed to making this work. Please ask any questions and thank you in advance for your advice.

Thanks, 

lostbuilder


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You’re not jumbled and you’re not incoherent, you are in fact very structured and very coherent. I’m guessing you’re also a lot better Man than you’re giving yourself credit for.

To be honest with you your wife sounds like a nightmare as far as finances are concerned.

“I went into her email and found a message to a mutual male friend where my wife said that she was falling for him, but that she didn't want to lead him on and couldn't start a relationship with him right now”. I think you’ve just begun the journey of “My wife’s having an EA”.

You’re in a bit of a bxggers mess. Suggest you list the problems “Father”, “Child with ex wife”, “Wife”, “Finances” and prioritise them. I’m thinking your father and your other child can be put on hold for now, another year or so with all things being equal isn’t going to make much difference.

Your situation has changed dramatically. Personally I wouldn’t bother working on myself. I would spend all that type of time coming to a judgment of just who your wife really is and then make up your mind if you want to live the rest of your life with her.

Bob


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

“I went into her email and found a message to a mutual male friend where my wife said that she was falling for him, but that she didn't want to lead him on and couldn't start a relationship with him right now”.

That part sounds like your "mutual friend" may well be courting your wife.

Bob


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You SHOULD be pressing her on the finances - she is immature and spends beyond her means. That is HER flaw, not yours. And if you can't get her to behave like an adult she is selling your KIDS futures down the drain and that is not something a good parent does. 

Why do you want to stay with someone who is ruining you financially? 




lostbuilder said:


> My wife of 2.5 years came to me 5 days ago and told me she wanted space. I didn't see this coming at all. At first she was going to move out but friends helped to convince her to stay and she doesn't want to uproot the children. I have a three and half year old daughter from a previous marriage that I signed away legal rights to during my divorce and haven't seen her since she was 8 months old, I know I am a complete loser for not being in her life, but I am now working on it. I made a huge mistake and I know it. My wife has tried to help me build a relationship with her, but I have been so scared to because I thought I had such a great marriage and I didn't want to cause any additional strain as it is hard enough to deal with our sons father.
> 
> My father was married twice and the strain of my two half sisters caused so much fighting and pain in their marriage that I have have been scared to contact my ex. My wife has a six year old son from a previous marriage and we have a year and a half old daughter. I love her son like my own and have been in his life since just before he was 3. She said that she doesn't want a divorce and that she wants me in his life.
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree. Start looking into your own issues and make yourself worthy of her. 

That said, DO keep an eye on her affair. She will never commit to you as long as she thinks she can have him. 

Move back home. If she wants space, SHE can move out. YOU stay there, WITH the kids. If she doesn't like it, she can go to counseling.

This is NOT something you can fix by just being nicer and giving her whatever she wants. Her affair fog is confusing her mind so what she 'wants' is not logical. YOU have to be the logical one for now. Move back home.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hunt, you spelled Becoming incorrectly.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Ummm...WOW not sure where that hostility is coming from AFEH but I will say that I agree with HuntBrown on this one. I don't say that to in any way bash the OP or make him feel worse than he already does, but rather to point out a specific truth which is that he can not control his wife. 

She is having an affair, and SHE is responsible for all the consequences associated with the choice to do that. 

BUT that in no way alleviates the OP from what he may or may not have done to contribute to the disintegration of this, his second marriage!! He is equally responsible for the choices he made and actions he took. Now, since his wife is not here seeking help...and since he can not change her but he CAN change himself...that means that we would address him, his contributions, his issues, and start with HIM. 

Thus, I would ask that rather than attempting to begin a flame war here--let's keep the focus (and replies) to the OP lostbuilder, and help him deal with his issues. Lostbuilder, you yourself admit that you react from anxiety and are controlling and it's pushing her away. So here's my challenge to you? What are you going to do about it? How are you going to change so that you don't react from anxiety and fear and instead react from a place of calm decision? How are you going to change so that you recognize your partner as an equal and act out of respect not control?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

turnera said:


> Hunt, you spelled Becoming incorrectly.


:rofl: :lol: You are so funny turnera! 

Thank you, God, for the grammar nazis! :lol: :rofl:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's what I do...

I are an editor by profession.


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