# ****** *******



## Marriageishardwork07 (Nov 1, 2017)

So my husband and I had a pretty big fight over something really stupid. He took off and went to the bar which he does sometimes. We have 2 little ones at home. So I was beyond angry I ended up texting him and telling him that if he wants to hook up with someone else go for it just don't bring them home. Obviously I didn't Mean it , and it was a very stupid thing to say. He got angry and couldn't believe I would say something like that. A few days goes by and the day before he was supposed to fly out to go on a business trip he ends up going and getting a hotel Room. I text him later that day and say that we should probably talk about this before he leaves. He tells me it's not a good idea cause hes been drinking all day. So I leave it and all through the night he ends up blowing through most of our savings account at the Casino. I tried messaging and calling him for most of the evening and couldn't get ahold of him. Sometime in the middle tonight I notice that he had paid for ****** *******, The online dating site for married people. I couldn't believe he would do that when we finally get a chance to talk about it later that afternoon. Hit mitzi talk to one person and they did talk dirty but that was As far as it went. He had to catch 3 planes that day the 1st one started in the morning and he spoke to me most of his trip. But now I'm having a hard time accepting that he was texting another woman. How do I move on from this? do I blame myself for saying what I did? We have been married 10 years together for 13 and a 1/2.


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## Jamie296 (Apr 15, 2017)

Marriageishardwork07 said:


> So my husband and I had a pretty big fight over something really stupid. He took off and went to the bar which he does sometimes. We have 2 little ones at home. So I was beyond angry I ended up texting him and telling him that if he wants to hook up with someone else go for it just don't bring them home. Obviously I didn't Mean it , and it was a very stupid thing to say. He got angry and couldn't believe I would say something like that. A few days goes by and the day before he was supposed to fly out to go on a business trip he ends up going and getting a hotel Room. I text him later that day and say that we should probably talk about this before he leaves. He tells me it's not a good idea cause hes been drinking all day. So I leave it and all through the night he ends up blowing through most of our savings account at the Casino. I tried messaging and calling him for most of the evening and couldn't get ahold of him. Sometime in the middle tonight I notice that he had paid for ****** *******, The online dating site for married people. I couldn't believe he would do that when we finally get a chance to talk about it later that afternoon. Hit mitzi talk to one person and they did talk dirty but that was As far as it went. He had to catch 3 planes that day the 1st one started in the morning and he spoke to me most of his trip. But now I'm having a hard time accepting that he was texting another woman. How do I move on from this? do I blame myself for saying what I did? We have been married 10 years together for 13 and a 1/2.


I will say no that is not your fault. He's a grown man and he should know better than to do that. You should be more considerate when saying things but still, the point is things are said and fights happen. I always tell my wife, no matter what, we never go to bed angry. We should talk until its resolved and feelings are understood. I can say, we may have went to bed once, maybe twice mad at each other and talked about it the next day. 
He has some issues he needs to work on and so do you because you had a "stupid" fight. Resolve it and work toward a better future. 
Blowing money and talking to girls is not the answer, that's a cop out. Step up and be a man and resolve the issues. You guys seem to be comfortable. Get out and date each other. Spark up your relationship. 
As far as the dating site, i would be fuming if my wife did it for sure. I want to be the most important person in her life besides God. She's my queen and i always protect my queen. If she has to find someone to talk to, even dirty talk then I am not doing my job as her king. 
That's my take on things. 

Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

your husband is reckless and extremely immature. I get you got into a fight and he left the house and went to a bar, i get you were pissed at him and sent him a dum message, regardless. He knows right from wrong, he knows what he is doing and there is no way that this sits on your shoulder.....if you would have told him to kill himself, woudl he have done it...no so telling him to have sex with someone else should not be the blessing to do so. And on top of that to blow through your saving at a casino......i would question whether this is the man you want beside you for the rest fo your life...he needs help.....seriously needs help...and have him take a STD test.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You telling him to hook up with other women was wrong. 
What he did was wrong.
But you are no responsible for his choice to text another woman.

Is this sort of drama and dysfunction normal in your relationship?


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

It's not your fault. I think you should have handled him going to a bar a little bit more calmly, but his reaction is interesting. Then I got to the Ash Mad part. With this and the constant travel I'd be pretty worried.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband blowing through your saving is really bad as well. 

About how much did he blow? A few hundred/thousand? Or tens of thousands?

Has he ever blown money like this before?

Do you have a job? If so what percentage of your joint income do you earn?


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

As a priority you need to protect your money above all else. Then work out whether this dude is worth it? Not your fault at all.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Your husband blowing through your saving is really bad as well.
> 
> About how much did he blow? A few hundred/thousand? Or tens of thousands?
> 
> ...


I agree... 

Him blowing all your savings at a casino is a HUGE betrayal. IIWY, I might be even more upset over that. I would divorce an idiot over something like that, in combination with the Ash Mad thing.

Is this the kind of man you want to spent the rest of your life with?


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

drinker gambler philanderer


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I"m more concerned about his going through your life savings than his possibly hooking up. 

I think words mean something so if you told him he could hook up with someone else, I think he is not too far out of line if he does so - until you tell him that he can't anymore. I know you didn't mean it, but you did make a clear statement. 

Burning through your savings though is unforgivable.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Sounds like he doesn?t care. Blew through you?re savings gambling and tried talking with another woman. 
Sounds like you don?t care, told him to go hook up with someone else.

Have you considered marriage counselling?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

uhtred said:


> I"m more concerned about his going through your life savings than his possibly hooking up.
> 
> I think words mean something so if you told him he could hook up with someone else, I think he is not too far out of line if he does so - until you tell him that he can't anymore. I know you didn't mean it, but you did make a clear statement.
> 
> Burning through your savings though is unforgivable.


I know if my wife was to say such a thing, I would know it was spoken out of hurt and in no way real. 

The LAST thing I would then do in her time of hurt is use the outpouring of her pain as an excuse to cheat on her. God, what an awful thing to do. 

If you know she didn't really mean it, her husband most certainly knew, or if he actually loves her at all, should have. You say the words were clear and unambiguous, but the meaning behind them should have been far more so. 

No, this man is clearly to blame for his action. Pure and simple. No excuse.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Money can be replaced.

One's honor cannot.
One's dignity cannot.
One's Vows tossed, cannot.

He crossed the line.
He crossed the Styx. And was greeted by Beelzebub's mistress, known to you as Miss Trust.

He toyed with her on A.M., he played with her fire.
The fire in this POSOW's girdle.


Next time.
Next time, Ms. OP, don't dare a dumb ****. And don't tempt the Devil.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

And don't assume the saved money was lost.
It may only be lost.............to you.

He may be hiding it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Hmm, - gambling might be the best option for where the money went. 



SunCMars said:


> And don't assume the saved money was lost.
> It may only be lost.............to you.
> 
> He may be hiding it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I do agree with you for myself. I remember my wife finding out that a couple we knew were in an open relationship and her telling me that if I wanted to sleep with other women I could. She clearly didn't mean it. Still - I found her saying "you have permission to do X" when she didn't mean it to be a terrible thing to do in a relationship.

I would never tell my wife something was OK if it wasn't. That is a nasty form of manipulation / entrapment. 


Needless to say I didn't take her up on her "offer", but its one she never should have made. 




Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I know if my wife was to say such a thing, I would know it was spoken out of hurt and in no way real.
> 
> The LAST thing I would then do in her time of hurt is use the outpouring of her pain as an excuse to cheat on her. God, what an awful thing to do.
> 
> ...


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Something like this that has been said in anger and during an argument should not carry much weight.
He made the decision to do this out of immaturity and impulsiveness.

He wanted to get back at you.

The blowing through the life savings is very irresponsible and regardless of whether he was drunk or not should be taken very seriously.
By doing this he’s only thinking of himself not your family.

The signing up for dating site and texting another woman and in no way hiding it was just to scare you but not fully cross the line.
He obviously had money at his disposal to get a [email protected]@ker but didn’t.....it was his way of throwing what you said to him out of anger back in your face.

The money issues .....he crossed the line huge with that decision.
That would be more of a deal breaker as his blatant irresponsibllity shows he’s a loose cannon.

MC....a must ....to try to work through this.
There seems to be a lot of underlying disrespect, and irresponsibility on his part.

Not your fault....but knowing his maturity level and irresponsibility..... not the best choice of words knowing how he might react.
And....I am sure the sober him might not have reacted the same....the alcohol exacerbated the whole situation.....but still no excuse.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Marriageishardwork07 said:


> So my husband and I had a pretty big fight over something really stupid. He took off and went to the bar which he does sometimes. We have 2 little ones at home. So I was beyond angry I ended up texting him and telling him that if he wants to hook up with someone else go for it just don't bring them home. Obviously I didn't Mean it , and it was a very stupid thing to say. He got angry and couldn't believe I would say something like that. A few days goes by and the day before he was supposed to fly out to go on a business trip he ends up going and getting a hotel Room. I text him later that day and say that we should probably talk about this before he leaves. He tells me it's not a good idea cause hes been drinking all day. So I leave it and all through the night he ends up blowing through most of our savings account at the Casino. I tried messaging and calling him for most of the evening and couldn't get ahold of him. Sometime in the middle tonight I notice that he had paid for ****** *******, The online dating site for married people. I couldn't believe he would do that when we finally get a chance to talk about it later that afternoon. Hit mitzi talk to one person and they did talk dirty but that was As far as it went. He had to catch 3 planes that day the 1st one started in the morning and he spoke to me most of his trip. But now I'm having a hard time accepting that he was texting another woman. How do I move on from this? do I blame myself for saying what I did? We have been married 10 years together for 13 and a 1/2.


Couples fight and say hurtful things to one another, but to take it one step further and do what he did shows an utter lack of respect for you and the marriage. He also sounds incredibly immature to blow through savings and basically cheat. Yes doing what he did, signing up to an adult sight, dirty chat, etc is cheating. You would be a fool to let this one go. 
Kick him out.
Go and see an IC for yourself to deal with whatever issues you have
Tell him under no circumstances do you want him in your life, if he is unwilling to take responsibility for his actions. Sounds like he is not great husband material. If you still want him in your life, you have to set boundaries now on what is acceptable behaviour and what is not.
Let him see what is it like to lose you.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> And don't assume the saved money was lost.
> It may only be lost.............to you.
> 
> He may be hiding it.


Good point. 

Many years ago my husband and I saved a considerable amount of money for our 'forever' home. Some of the money was given to us from my parents which we put into a joint savings account. A week before we were due to exchange contracts and move I went through all our accounts to get the money together for our deposit. To my horror we were several thousand pounds short! I normally left all accounting to my husband, so had no idea where the money had gone. I went through every statement and receipt we had kept. It turned out my husband had been withdrawing from his work ATM inexplicably large amounts of cash over the course of 6 months which pretty much added up to the money my parents had given me. I also found out that my husband had secret accounts that he hadn't told me about. He gave me a good reason, but the fact he hid all the documentation obviously made me very suspicious.

To this day I haven't had a reasonable explanation for the missing money and felt very angry and hurt. However, the money wasn't entirely lost. It was a huge (and expensive) wake up call for me that _*I *_am the only person who is going to be in control of my money and if I trust someone with my money and he betrays my trust then I have to look at myself for allowing partial loss of control. Since then I always have my own money and keep absolute control of it. I don't want to be stuck in an unhappy marriage with an untrustworthy husband because I have no means to leave. If I stay with my husband then it's for love not money. 

So I agree with others that are more horrified by the money than the hook up site. Money gives you choices.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

peacem said:


> Good point.
> 
> Many years ago my husband and I saved a considerable amount of money for our 'forever' home. Some of the money was given to us from my parents which we put into a joint savings account. A week before we were due to exchange contracts and move I went through all our accounts to get the money together for our deposit. To my horror we were several thousand pounds short! I normally left all accounting to my husband, so had no idea where the money had gone. I went through every statement and receipt we had kept. It turned out my husband had been withdrawing from his work ATM inexplicably large amounts of cash over the course of 6 months which pretty much added up to the money my parents had given me. I also found out that my husband had secret accounts that he hadn't told me about. He gave me a good reason, but the fact he hid all the documentation obviously made me very suspicious.
> 
> ...



Thank you for noticing THIS. This oddity. Money is paper. One's honor is beyond current.....currency.

Now, on stashing money away in a 'secret' account. 
Ahem, uh, I know somebody that saved up for a nice boat. He saved for ten years.

Money that was not squandered on grandchildren, Christmas presents, worthless knick-nacks around the house.
Wasted on parties where food for a hundred was presented, laid out to a party of thirty.


When asked where did you get the money for the boat. That lug head said, "Oh, I have been saving up for it".
I still have the scars.....actually, I don't!! :grin2::grin2:


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Thank you for noticing THIS. This oddity. Money is paper. One's honor is beyond current.....currency.
> 
> Now, on stashing money away in a 'secret' account.
> Ahem, uh, I know somebody that saved up for a nice boat. He saved for ten years.
> ...


I think we are agreeing but from different gender perspectives. Better to have your own money and be in control of it than to spend a lifetime resentful of it being squandered without your consent. If someone wants to buy a boat, then they need to take control to make that happen even if it takes fifty years. If a spouse wants to have their own nest egg for their own personal insurance than they should.

Money is but paper, but it also will buy you the best therapy when it all goes tits up. :grin2:


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

If my wife ever told me to hook up, I would be extremely hurt and would really seriously question seeing a lawyer if I were in his shoes. If you think so little of our relationship that you would tell me to go hook up with someone else, I wouldn't consider doing that, but I would strongly consider divorce.

As for the savings and money, I can certainly dream up a reason for him being justified to do as he pleases. This would take a lot of assumptions on how you guys make and handle money, so ill just leave it at that. He could be justified, or he could be in the wrong totally. Jury is out for me...

As far as him texting and flirting like that, crosses boundaries where if I were in your shoes, I would seriously question going to see a lawyer for a divorce consultation. 

You two sure you want to be married?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

peacem said:


> I think we are agreeing but from different gender perspectives. Better to have your own money and be in control of it than to spend a lifetime resentful of it being squandered without your consent. If someone wants to buy a boat, then they need to take control to make that happen even if it takes fifty years. If a spouse wants to have their own nest egg for their own personal insurance than they should.
> 
> Money is but paper, but it also will buy you the best therapy *when it all goes tits up.* :grin2:


Uh, I like tits up. :smile2:

But that is another non-private post on TAM.

What a place, this blog. No hidden corners.

Every embarrassing thing laid out, for all to comment, some to ogle....on/at. 
At the posters expense.

That God for anonymity.

Just Sayin'


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Money itself is not that important, but trust is. I think that in a marriage it is vital that you be able to trust your partner with money. I don't mean trust that they will always use it wisely but trust that they will not steal from you and will not spend large amounts without your agreement.


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