# I lost TRUST :(((



## charmbee (Dec 3, 2012)

Hi all,

So my husband and I have been married for 3 years and been together for 7 almost 8 years. We separated last year for about a year. In between he was dating and particularly seeing and sleeping with his boss. Also vice versa was seeing people while we were separated. The cause of our separation was due to lack of communication which led to constant arguements and we weren't have sex anymore. I didn't feel any sense of connection and even doubted my love, maybe I have fallen out of love. So I had to do what was best and at the time I felt that separation was the best thing for us. For a while I tried to find myself and really see what I wanted, I owed it to myself. 

In the midst of finding myself my husband felt that no matter his countless tries to get back with me, he felt that I just wouldn't budge. At the same time I felt scared to go back, he got closer to his boss and he was not only sexually involved but also emotionally involved. I know my absense physically and emotionally probably drove him to this. Personally I never got close to anyone, I felt hesitant and I barely dated. In late September I wanted to give my marriage a second chance but while we patching things up, his boss is still sending him emails.I also found out they were sending emails earlier during the year, had sex in their work place and was often at her place. This is very hard for me to swallow, a part of me wished I never knew this information but I do.


The problem: I have been having a very hard time accepting his relationship with his boss, what bothers me most is that she got emotionally attached to my husband more than he did. She has sent him emails how much she dislike him and wished to disappear from him and even called him an ahole. He drafted an email to her in his work email with his side of the story. He claims she's sending a lot of subliminal messages towards him and giving him a hard time at his work place. All of this happening while we are patching things up. I felt the old feelings of distrust come back and now I can't work past it. I feel as if I am self destructing and destroying my relationship due to my actions. It is mind f*cking (excuse my french) to know that he still sees her every day. I had told him several times he needed to find a job. He also told me that he told her about me finding out about them. He told her that they need to refrain from any contact and she told him she would try to find another job. I can't seem to just forget about it, it's draining me mentally and physically, I rarely smile or go out anymore. I feel like this situation has gotten the best of me. I know it happened before we got back together but the fact that they ended whatever relationship they had not too long ago, I feel like I can't work on this relationship until i know she is no longer in the picture or either one of them move out of the work place. My main concern now is how can I learn to deal with this situation. I feel like this situation has gotten so big, bigger than me. I could no longer cope, I'm always moody and never know what will set me off next. I do want my marriage to work but until I can find some way to move pass this , I don't think it will work.

PLEASE HELP!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are right that you both cannot work on your marriage as long as your husband is working with her.

Can you both afford for him to quit? Is he job hunting? So what if she said that she was going to find a new job. Until she leaves she is still in your life.

I know this started while you were separated but it has turned into an affair while you are together.

I suggest that you read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. Then get/read the books in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage.

you two need to learn how to build a marriage that remains passionate for life and that is affair proof.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

The issue has to be discussed with your husband. And he needs to take out his boss (female with whom he had PA and EA) from his mind.

He has to understand your insecurities and feelings. If he is willing to work on this, there is scope for recovery.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

You dated while separated. So I assume you had some form of sex.

When a wife wants to be separated they tend to ignore that their husband may start up a relationship with another woman.

Your husband needs to be honest and answer all of your questions about his affair. Yes it is an affair because they were still married.

Your WH needs to go NC with his boss this means he needs to find a new job ASAP. If you are working and can carry the bills then he needs to quit today. If not he has to do his best to find a job ASAP.

Though you can be upset that he had a lover, you can't be mad because you requested the separation.


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## charmbee (Dec 3, 2012)

theroad said:


> Your WH needs to go NC with his boss this means he needs to find a new job ASAP. If you are working and can carry the bills then he needs to quit today. If not he has to do his best to find a job ASAP.
> 
> Though you can be upset that he had a lover, you can't be mad because you requested the separation.


What do you mean "WH" and "NC". I accepted that he dated but I just can't seem to accept that he emotionally got involved with his boss. I guess it's harder for me to accept that and move forward. My fears may not be valid but this is how I feel and our problems has gotten so big. Maybe the problem here is ME. That I can't move past this. There's nothing else he can do, quitting is job is the ultimate solution, but at the same time it is not realistic to just quit without any solid reason. I'm just not sure how much more I can deal with this situation. I might end up loosing him because of me. This just won't go away over night. His words of reassurance isn't working anymore, I need to see changes.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

He has to leave his job and right now. If he does not you will not be able to R.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Is it really infidelity? It sounds to me like she didn't want him until someone else had him. They were separated. I don't know, I would have a hard time leaving a stable job for someone who could bolt as soon as the competition is gone. Is the commitment really there still? Is she going to stick around if she starts "doubting her love" again?

You know, trust works both ways. Does he trust your love? Does he trust that you're going to stick around this time?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

charmbee said:


> Hi all,
> 
> So my husband and I have been married for 3 years and been together for 7 almost 8 years. We separated last year for about a year. In between he was dating and particularly seeing and sleeping with his boss. Also vice versa was seeing people while we were separated. The cause of our separation was due to lack of communication which led to constant arguements and we weren't have sex anymore. I didn't feel any sense of connection and even doubted my love, maybe I have fallen out of love. So I had to do what was best and at the time I felt that separation was the best thing for us. For a while I tried to find myself and really see what I wanted, I owed it to myself.
> 
> ...


Boss targets vulnerable subordinate and has sexual relationship with him, then, when it is over, harasses him.

What does Human Resources say about this?


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

charmbee said:


> What do you mean "WH" and "NC". I accepted that he dated but I just can't seem to accept that he emotionally got involved with his boss. I guess it's harder for me to accept that and move forward. My fears may not be valid but this is how I feel and our problems has gotten so big. Maybe the problem here is ME. That I can't move past this. There's nothing else he can do, quitting is job is the ultimate solution, but at the same time it is not realistic to just quit without any solid reason. I'm just not sure how much more I can deal with this situation. I might end up loosing him because of me. This just won't go away over night. His words of reassurance isn't working anymore, I need to see changes.


WH wayward husband = cheating husband.

NC no contact, WH and OW must have NC to prevent the affair from restarting.


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

so let me guess . while you were finding yourself(sex with other men)
that was ok but now that another woman is interested in your husband but he is not interested in her: it is a problem for you and you are now about to end your marriage? are you aware how this makes you look?


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