# Types of betrayal



## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Which is easier to forgive? Physical or emotional betrayal? Doesn't necessarily have to be narrowed down to emotional affairs, but betrayal in a wider sense of the word. 

My ex has been making attempts to regain my trust, to win me back and I'm just indifferent. Can't seem to forgive and forget. We're on amicable terms for the most part. People can't even tell we're not together. We're not besties but not vengeful and nasty to each other either. 

No matter what he does I just get more discouraged. Had he done this when I really needed it from him, it would've worked. He says it's never too late but I disagree. He's a little too late. :scratchhead:


----------



## Dissevered Soul (Mar 4, 2014)

I don't think either is easy to forgive. They are both equally as hurtful and take time to mend. You can get back to trusting him with a huge amount of time and patience on his part, but is that really what the two of you want? Does he want to have this lingering his otherwise great relationship, and do you want to (seven years down the line) have to remember what he did, and still try and cope with it? The betrayal is always there, even if you have forgiven and trust him again.

Like beyonce said, trust is like a mirror. you can fix it if it's broken, but you'll always see a crack in that motherfu****rs reflection.

If you do decide to stay with him, he needs to continually prove to you and reassure you that he has learned from his mistakes, and he will not repeat them. He will need to be very understanding.


----------



## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Cherrypie-

I am so sorry you have found yourself where you are.

The betrayal of my ex husband was emotional.... However, he was unwilling to take action to regain trust (he just felt that time would heal all wounds regardless of any effort, or lack thereof, on his part. Hence, is is my ex.

It sounds like your ex is striving to make amends...to earn back some of your trust. But even with his efforts, you are more discouraged.

Does this mean his actions are not what you need to rebuild trust? My ex tried to help out more around the house (dishes, cleaning, dinner, etc), but a dirty house was not what was destroying our marriage. So his efforts were essentially futile.

You say it's a little too late...If that is true, then you need to follow through with action and completely sever the ties instead of remaining in a self-imposed purgatory waiting for a relationship rapture to happen. 

What do YOU want?


----------



## bild-a-loco (Jan 22, 2014)

I'm dealing with some emotional betrayal now, among other things, and I think you're right - sometimes it can be too late. 

Since my wife's big into dinner parties and such, I used an analogy with her trying to get her to understand and I think it works very well. 

If a friend is over for a fancy party and breaks one of your best china dinner plates, they'd apologize right away and tell you they were going to buy another one for you to replace the one they broke. You'd expect them to and move on. A week goes by, no replacement, a month goes by, no replacement, two months, and all the while you still see this friend and they don't mention it. Finally, you ask them if they're ever going to replace that broken plate - perhaps you have to ask them more than once. Finally, at your urging, they bring you a replacement. You have the fancy dinner plate that was lost back, but you're not going to look at that plate or that friend the same from there on out. She agreed with that, and yet, figuratively, she keeps on smashing plates and not replacing them! 

I don't think you're obligated to forgive and forget. If he's offering too little too late and it's just not clicking with you, then I think you're entirely justified in breaking it off and living your life. 

Sorry you're in that situation - hope all works out best for you!


----------



## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Sometimes betrayal of any kind is a deal breaker. As simple as that. Some people see forgiving as being weak. Some see it as being strong. It all comes down to the individual and sometimes two people don't agree as to what a deal breaker is or not. But that's ok. All that matters is that it is for one. 

And if that is you, that's ok! Nothing to feel guilty or sorry about. You can feel bad about the situation but never feel bad about your feelings and decisions!


----------



## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

I am going through HELL right now (another thread altogether), but I would say - without reservation - that emotional betrayal is FAR and away more difficult to "forgive".

All of us have moments of "lust" and such. Things like that are horrible, but a little easier to understand. Emotional betrayal hurts SO deep inside that it isn't even close.

I would MUCH rather come home early one day and find "the beast with two backs" than I would discover that there has been emotional betrayal - especially for months on end.

Just my thoughts....


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

cherrypie18 said:


> No matter what he does I just get more discouraged. Had he done this when I really needed it from him, it would've worked. He says it's never too late but I disagree. He's a little too late. :scratchhead:


I so remember your story Cherrypie, your husband is like the little boy who CRIED WOLF... you are right, he's done way too much , left you hanging, betrayal on overload...he would need to beg at your feet and do this consistently for like 6 months to a year straight , for all he has put your through.. 

Maybe I am pretty judgmental but someone like that just doesn't seem to change their stripes unless they have a gutter experience...some awakening of the soul... if this has Happened to him... please explain how it happened... 

If you are having doubts, TRUST YOUR GUT ! ..It's easy for HIM to say ..."OH please forgive me" again and again and again..and it' never too late...as you have kept holding on... he knows you haven't fully given up on him... but he's put you through hell and back.


----------



## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

I was once rather upset at my wife in a way that might seem strange. She said she could not forgive cheating. I have not cheated, but was annoyed.

The reason was that I had put up with her not working, hot helping round the house much, almost no physical intimacy for a long time. However, I kept working on the marriage despite having felt very betrayed. To me her statement, which would sound perfectly reasonable to most on here, actually offended me hugely.

People can betray in all sorts of ways. If that is a shock, you are daft. Trust will be betrayed to a certain extent as people will try their best, but are weak. 

To use the analogy, that weakness in the mirror was always there and you have to accept that too.


----------



## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Dissevered Soul said:


> I don't think either is easy to forgive. They are both equally as hurtful and take time to mend. You can get back to trusting him with a huge amount of time and patience on his part, but is that really what the two of you want? Does he want to have this lingering his otherwise great relationship, and do you want to (seven years down the line) have to remember what he did, and still try and cope with it? The betrayal is always there, even if you have forgiven and trust him again.
> 
> Like beyonce said, trust is like a mirror. you can fix it if it's broken, but you'll always see a crack in that motherfu****rs reflection.
> 
> If you do decide to stay with him, he needs to continually prove to you and reassure you that he has learned from his mistakes, and he will not repeat them. He will need to be very understanding.


I don't want to stay with him. He is trying on his own terms but it doesn't seem to do anything for me. I guess what's done is done.


----------



## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

cons said:


> Cherrypie-
> 
> I am so sorry you have found yourself where you are.
> 
> ...


He did and does the helping out. We don't live together anymore so he tries to help out in other ways but again, that is not what I need. I told him what I needed from him. His response is he's "doing everything he can" and that he's under a lot of pressure.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

My vote the emotional betrayal is harder to forgive, simply because it takes longer to mature. Emotional betrayal is probably a patteren that has developed over the years in a relationship. When you find your spouse doesn't support you, when you can't depend or trust your spouse day after day, year after year, it just wears you out and erodes that emotional attachment. With physical betrayal there lots of fresh and raw emotion, lots of passion and pain, and those things settle down after a bit and maybe forgiveness can find a way in. But with a pattern of emotional betrayal there's just nothing left at the end except relief that it's over. 

I am indifferent toward my ex, not because she had a few affairs but because she lost my respect over the many years of our marriage, she's just not the type of person I want in my life.


----------

