# Worn out



## LNedanam (Sep 13, 2011)

We just passed our 19th anniversary. We have 2 daughters, ages 17 and 19. We knew each other 2 weeks, were both on the rebound from previous relationships, and found ourselves pregnant (daughter #1). He owned a house and I was a bit of a drifter. Both of our childhoods were not so pretty and our families were very dysfunctional (mine was crazy, his was more of a lack of mothering issue). I felt very strongly that I was not about to take having a baby lightly and that if I was destined to have one, well dammit, I was going to do it right and this child would have better than I had. This child would have stability, confidence, love, etc. We discussed and decided to try living together and try raising her together. We moved in together about half way through the pregnancy and were doing pretty good. It was actually an exciting time and we were pretty much having fun playing house and being “responsible” adults for a change. Once the baby was born, he said to me one night, “We may as well go ahead and get married.” I said, “I guess so.” Neither of us were making tons of money and now there was a baby. Financially, staying together to raise her made a lot more sense and I desperately wanted her to have a stable home. So we got married when she was 2 months old.

I’ve never fallen in love with him. I care deeply about him. I may even love him, but I’m not in love. He has some pretty repulsive habits that have been the source of MANY fights between us with me protesting with everything I had because I couldn’t STAND these things (I won’t get into them, but trust me, they are VILE and disgusting). It’s as if he was never taught how to function as a civilized, considerate member of society and in a home. He’s only lately made any attempt to curb these habits as opposed to stubbornly clinging to them (I think) out of spite and defiance. I think he’s working on it now, after ALL these years, because the children are older and I’ve very seriously threatened to leave. I’ve told him I flat out refuse to live with a person who does the things he does. It’s just too little too late, though. I can’t forget that for all these years, no matter how I begged, pleaded, fought, yelled.....he’d keep right on doing these things. I’m not the least bit attracted to him and haven’t been for years. Partly due to the fact that I don’t love him and partly due to the fact that he repulses me with his behaviors and even though he’s curbing them now, the damage is already done. We have NO physical relationship at all. I don’t even want to sleep next to him. I want separate bedrooms.

He is a nice man but he does not have very many social interactions and very rarely talks. I have friends, he has a friend, we have no friends together. He’s a simple man, likes a simple, uncomplicated life. I like to live life and try things. I also don’t feel we’re intellectual equals. What conversations we do try to have usually end up in a disagreement or I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. We have very little in common and childcare responsibilities have never been taken on equitably. He’d do nothing if he could. He has never participated in any sort of structure, rules, punishments, fun, extracurricular activities, etc. with the children. This is also a source of resentment on my part. I've always done it all - even driving lessons (he pretends that issue doesn't even exist). He teaches them absolutely nothing. He does not handle stress and anxiety well and the children stress him out just walking into the same room as he does and he yells at them often.

Basically, I’ve just about had enough and I’m tired of being angry. I’m just plain worn out. I want out, but at the same time, I’m afraid of how we’d both survive financially. I’ve since gotten a degree and a better employment situation, but it would still be very tight. I also worry about how he’ll get along in life. I keep picturing him becoming a hermit and being sad all the time. I just can’t make a decision.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

What are we talking about here - does he leave the toilet seat up or is he peeing in the corners of the house?? Regardless it sounds like you've moved on - and that's ok - if you're sure about it. Will you hurt him, I would assume so but life will go on. Have the two of you tried any type of marriage counseling? 19 years is a long time to walk away from, that doesn't mean it's not the right decision but it's worth being really really sure about the course you're contemplating.


----------



## LNedanam (Sep 13, 2011)

If only it were only leaving the seat up, lol! I don't want to get into the details. It is a long time to walk away from. Thanks for your input.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Your story sounds like the symptoms of a classic "walk away wife": Divorce Busting® - Walk-Away Wife Syndrome - Wife Ending Marriage

Only you can decide whether it's worth staying based upon both your willingness and your husband's willingness to try and make the marriage work.

Are you, inidividually or together, attending any kind of counselling? How willing are the both of you to try and make it work?

You may also be interested in this book: http://www.amazon.com/How-Know-If-Its-Time/dp/1402766432/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1315959890&sr=8-2

Best wishes.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You COULD be a little poorer....and immensely happier! It's doable, you just have to figure out IF that is what you want.


----------



## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Divorce Busting® - Walk-Away Wife Syndrome - Wife Ending Marriage[/url]
:smthumbup:


----------

