# Spending the Night Away from Home



## JEH718 (Dec 15, 2013)

My husband and I are lucky to have similar working hours so we get to spend a lot of time together and on top of that, we take a couple of vacations a year. We have been under a lot of stress lately with our jobs, family issues, and the normal holiday stress, but we have managed to do things just the two of us and with our closest friends. As much as I have enjoyed all the time we have spent together, while he has had a few outings with his friends the past couple of months, I only managed to do that once and that was just dinner with friends and coming home. I am always tied down to my job, the aforementioned family problems, taking care of my home.

I have never spent the night away from my husband and technically neither has he, but there are times he goes to poker night with his friends and does not come home until 5-6 in the morning. Because we have no children, I do not mind this and the people he plays poker with are family members and close friends.

For a while now, my older cousin and I have been wanting to do just a girls night-in just the two of us as we barely get to spend time alone and both really could use unwinding. All we're going to do is have a few glasses of wine, talk, relax, watch reruns of our favorite shows into early morning like old times. She and her husband said I am free to sleep in the guest room if I don't want to drive home so late, especially after drinking a little.

My husband flipped out when I told him and even at first said he "forbids it." He is actually also close with my cousin, especially her husband, so it is not like he disapproves of them. I explained that I would just be hanging there at night and leaving in the morning, but he said I was being selfish. He said he is fine with me being there, but wants me to come home no matter how late it is. I know I am married, but I am not abandoning my responsibilities nor is this a habit. However he has been taught that not sleeping together equates a broken marriage. When I brought up that there have been nights where I have slept alone (and this does not bother me as they are infrequent) because he has come home really late or when we take our vacation days he stays up later than I do, he said that's not the same as me staying over my cousin's. 

I was supposed to do a Vegas girls weekend once (with my married friends) and he was also opposed to it at first. As soon as the plans fell through, though, he claimed he was only joking and would not have cared if we had gone.

Does he have a right to explode over this matter? Is it really that big of a deal to crash at my cousin's house just this once?

Again I know I am not a teenager anymore or a single 20 something, but I really do not see what the big deal is.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Does not seem bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

If all you're looking for is a public vote here, then I think he's being a fool.

But that won't help you solve your problem.


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

Lila said:


> I think your husband's thinking on this matter is absurd, however this isn't an argument you are going to win without a fight.
> 
> If you want to avoid a huge confrontation and don't mind possibly compromising then propose the following. Explain to him that you will be drinking into the wee hours of the night and it would be best that you not drive home drunk. Your options are to either stay at your cousin's house or call your husband to come get you when you're ready to go home. If it's that important to him to have you home every night then let him come pick you up.


:iagree:

This basically makes it the same thing he does with his buddies. If he can stay out till 5 AM, you should be able to as well.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I do this with a few girlfriends. One lives an hour and half away. Three of us drive out to her house in the boonies and drink, talk and laugh. We sleepover and come home in the morning. No problem with my husband at all.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

What you want sounds fine to me. Girls weekend in Vegas, not so much. Same with a guys weekend in Vegas. That's a couple thing or couples group.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

First, I think your husband is wrong.

But let me ask these two questions:

1. What is your husband's opinion of this cousin?

2. Is that opinion justified?

You see, his reaction may be less about the "what" and more about the "who".

Again, not saying it is right. But that may help clarify why he reacted that way.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Your husband's view that sleeping apart once in awhile means your marriage is "broken" is ridiculous. What about happily married couples who must travel for their jobs?! I think they would take great offense at being told their marriages are broken.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Tell Miles Standish over there that it's 2014 and the "forbidding" business ended about the same time the Wright brothers learned how to fly. In his twisted logic, spouses in the hospital have broken marriages, as does everyone in jail, everyone in the military and everyone who works shift work, everyone in a nursing home, and everyone who's work requires travel.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think he's going overboard on this. Tell him that you'll come home - at 6am in the morning, IF he comes to pick you up so you don't need to worry about driving drunk or sleepy.

I wouldn't respond well to being "forbidden" anything. We negotiate and reach an agreement, or we're done.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

My wife learned early on that "forbidding" me to do something was a sure-fire way to end up with me doing it. Now she forbids me to take out the trash.

I'd not accept that kind of behavior from your husband. You're not doing anything improper, and he's being a first-class hypocrite.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Your husband really needs to learn to pick his battles. This is not the hill for him to die on. It's going to be a loooong marriage if he's going to go around forbidding things without taking common sense into account. Or maybe a super short marriage.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

In the absence of missing some significant information about your cousin and her husband I agree with every other comment here.

He is being completely unreasonable and "forbidding" you from staying over with your cousin while it's OK for him to stay out with poker buddies is definitely controlling and bordering on emotionally abusive. 

It's supposed to be a partnership not a dictatorship.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

JEH718 said:


> Does he have a right to explode over this matter? Is it really that big of a deal to crash at my cousin's house just this once?



Not in my opinion. Its a girls night IN....not a night on the town clubbing and rubbing your asses all over other guys' crotches.

I can see him not being too thrilled about Vegas. But not about this night in at your cousin's house.

Hell, if he were me, I'd take that opportunity to have a bunch of guys over that night for some Texas Holdem.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

JEH718 said:


> For a while now, my older cousin and I have been wanting to do just a girls night-in just the two of us as we barely get to spend time alone and both really could use unwinding. All we're going to do is have a few glasses of wine, talk, relax, watch reruns of our favorite shows into early morning like old times. She and her husband said I am free to sleep in the guest room if I don't want to drive home so late, especially after drinking a little.


He's being unreasonable.
There is nothing wrong with your planned evening.



> I was supposed to do a Vegas girls weekend once (with my married friends) and he was also opposed to it at first. As soon as the plans fell through, though, he claimed he was only joking and would not have cared if we had gone.


This I would never have allowed however.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I agree with everyone else, but I have a question, does he know something about them you don't?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

JEH718 said:


> My husband flipped out when I told him and even at first said he "forbids it." *He is actually also close with my cousin, especially her husband, so it is not like he disapproves of them.*


For all of you asking about the cousin and her husband, this was in her OP.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

norajane said:


> For all of you asking about the cousin and her husband, this was in her OP.


Actually, the bold is what led to my question.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Actually, the bold is what led to my question.


It's not the cousin or the husband that is the issue. He told her what his issue was - he wants her home and thinks what she wants is selfish.



> I explained that I would just be hanging there at night and leaving in the morning, but *he said I was being selfish.* *He said he is fine with me being there,* but wants me to come home no matter how late it is. I know I am married, but I am not abandoning my responsibilities nor is this a habit. However *he has been taught that not sleeping together equates a broken marriage.* When I brought up that there have been nights where I have slept alone (and this does not bother me as they are infrequent) because he has come home really late or when we take our vacation days he stays up later than I do, he said that's not the same as me staying over my cousin's.


He's also got a double standard.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

norajane said:


> It's not the cousin or the husband that is the issue.


Highlight anything you want, the bold led to my question.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Don't think it's been mentioned here...how long have you been married?

The notion that sleeping apart means a broken marriage is asinine. Even more so when one of the partners is out with the poker buddies routinely until 5 in the morning.

I'd have serious concerns over any man (or woman) who could not let go enough to "permit" a spouse to have a night...weekend...whatever, away from home and alone. Hell, my W travels or stays out of town fairly often for work (a night or two every month or two), and honestly, I look forward to the time alone! The house is MINE! The bed is MINE! The TV is MINE! Lol. Time for some hot pockets and ESPN!

The Vegas girls trip? Eh, some may not be okay with that. Me personally? My W went on one last year. Two days with "the girls", wives of couples we hang out with, and a couple girls from work. If I can't freakin' trust her for a weekend away from me, then what's the use of being in this relationship? She's about the same. Been a time or three I've been out at happy hour with the guys (our once a week thing). Been doing it for years (before and since my W). If I can't handle the commute back, or have had a little too much, there is a hotel right next door, and I'll stay there or with a buddy. Could she be "playing with fire" by giving that kind of trust and latitude? Some would think so. But that kind of trust and latitude is PRECISELY one of the main reasons I'd never DREAM of cheating on her. I've got an amazing W that most men can only dream of. Peace and harmony. Virtually zero bullchit. I've got some jealous buds! I could never risk losing this one over a piece of azz. And I'd never hurt her that way.

I believe I've earned that kind of trust and latitude. But, so has she. IMO, what your husband is saying is it is ok for him to have that kind of latitude (staying out until 5am), but you are not worth of the same kind of trust you've given him. 

Having said that, there are women I've been with who I'd be VERY concerned with spending a weekend in Vegas (or anywhere else) without me. That's why they are no longer a part of my life, and my W is. Won't be with an untrustworthy woman. And won't make a trustworthy one pay for the sins of the ones who weren't.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

How about inviting him to go with you, and he and the husband can go do something fun?


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## JEH718 (Dec 15, 2013)

First of all thanks so much for all your responses. I apologize for not responding right away. 

Just to address some questions first. 1. My husband has no problem with my cousin or her husband. Out of all my family members besides my parents, he is closest with them. He has hung out with her husband without us wives and has been there for both of them in illness and losses. They also have been there for him through difficult times. We have even gone away together through the years even before I was married with my husband being the one suggesting that in the first place.

2. No, there is nothing he knows about my cousin and her husband that I don't know. He made it abundantly clear it is the being away factor that bothers him, not who I'm staying with.

3. My husband and I are going on five years and have gone as far back as college.

4. My husband usually isn't all "I forbid this" about anything so I was really caught off guard. We always talk things out and reach agreements so when talking this out didn't work I was puzzled.

5. Vegas is not happening. Way back when, it was supposed to be just a weekend of a few of us married friends relaxing, going to a show, and doing just a little bit of gambling but we cancelled when one had to pull out for a much more important engagement and we never replanned.

I hope I didn't miss anybody's questions....

Double standard is a term that certainly has been flashing in my head for all the times he has not come home until the sun was up doing nothing terrible. I think the whole "broken marriage" nonsense stems from his parents' divorce as a kid, but decades later he should not be using that as a driving force to his argument.

It makes me feel better knowing other people have spent the night away. Part of the reason why I made this post is when I confided in one of my older married friends, she said "sleep-overs" are for young, single girls not married women even without children.

I also liked your suggestions and again thank you all greatly.

Perhaps my mind was too stunned and had a brain fart, but I cannot believe I did not think about telling my husband (like some of you greatly suggested) it is either I stay over there after a few drinks and he gets up 3 in the morning to come get me. I cannot see him doing that in the middle of the night (especially if he has work and I don't) unless it is an emergency of course when I can be safe at my cousin's. 

I think that my husband may have mellowed a bit now on the subject. I didn't say anything to my cousin about his initial reaction, but when we were exchanging Christmas presents with them on Friday since we won't get to see them for the Eve or actual day my cousin asked when I would like to do our girls' night in so she could consult her schedule or just take the day off. My husband stayed quiet and said he would just relax at home that night. 

I did recommend the husbands do something, but that all depends on work schedules. My cousin's husband said if he's free even if just it means just enough time to grab a pizza he would keep him company.

I'll keep you posted.


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