# Son meeting OW...please help



## PartlyCloudy (Jun 6, 2011)

I hardly ever post, but I'm here a lot. For those who don't know my story, which is probably almost everyone really, my H moved out nine months ago & right into OW's house. It all happened pretty suddenly. 

A couple months ago, I told our son the truth. He's thirteen & extremely smart. He knew things were being hidden from him, & the dumba$$ OW kept stupidly posting things on fb. I didn't want him to find out that way, & I thought he deserved to know. I'm very proud of myself actually. I told him very little, just some basic facts. I did not tell him "my side" or badmouth his dad or even OW. I have not, though, told my H that our son knows. Maybe that's wrong, but I worry that H will tell "his side" & try to justify what he did. I know he will. Even now, he still will not admit he even cheated. My son has had a very tough year (lots of behavior problems & problems @ school), & I wanted to protect him.

So, here's the thing: H wants our son to visit him @ his house, so he wants to talk to him tomorrow & tell him about GF. I don't know what to do. I don't want her around my son. She's toxic. She knowingly pursued my H, after losing her own H to cheating,but, of course, acted like it was innocent. She "liked" all our family pictures on fb- just the ones that had all three of us- to throw me off & "liked" sweet messages I put on H's wall. She played jr high games, sending me emails under a fake name, I assume to get me to kick H out.

Lately, my son seems to finally be doing a little better. I'm worried about him backsliding & being confused. I've never actually met OW, & I still have so much disgust & anger toward her. I gotta admit I really don't want my son to like her. I don't want to involve my son or put my feelings on him. I still have so many unresolved issues, though, & so many unanswered questions. How do handle this? Please advise me & share experiences w/this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am sorry for what happened.

It sounds like you handled this really well. It's good that you told your son the truth and left out badmouthing the OW and your H.

I think all you can do is hope for the best: that she treats your son well and taht they don't badmouth you. Your son is already aware that your husband cheated so it's up to him how he will handle his relationship with his father and the OW from now on. 

My advice is to keep on handling it as you have: moving on with your life and not speaking ill about your H. 

Have you filed for divorce? If not, I would go ahead and do it.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

What I can't read is how much you told your son. I suggest before your son goes to his dad you sit and tell him the whole truth. Do not allow your son or you to become part of your husbands lie. Ensure he knows the reason your husband separated is due to his affair with the OW (name her). Children know what is happening and are not fooled by their parents withholding the truth. As a thirteen year old he must not be taught to lie nor should he have the OW imposed on him.

On a seperate item catogoricaly state to your husband you will not accept your son being introduced to the OW, do not threaten him if he tries to bypass your request withhold any future child share arrangements , force them to be supervised visits and include a morality clause in your seperation. This is not about you or your husband your protecting your son against external negative influence.

It is for your sons well being he is not exposed to your husbands philandering, he should see you as the parent he can trust.
_Posted via Mobile Device_ 


excuse the grammar and typos ...iPhone typing is a practiced art that I don't have


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Children are a lot smarter than we adults give them credit for. Remember in some culture 13 years old was old enough to marry. Tell him the truth so that he goes in with his eyes open. The one thing you really never want to hear is "Mom, why didn't you tell me?"


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My 12 year old knows way more than we tell her about situations. She always says, "I'm not stupid, Mom.  "

I'd want my child to know the truth from my side before hearing it from dad's....but that's just me. No badmouthing, but the truth.

When my husband left me, I told our daughter the truth...about my issues, and his issues. She understood.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

13? Your son knows more than you think he does. Keep to the high road. Your little boy loves you and that kind of love is magical.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PartlyCloudy (Jun 6, 2011)

Thanks so much for the input. Man, this is the hardest part of all this. Honestly, it's hard to move on completely having to still deal w/this part.

H sid yesterday his plan is to tell our son that he has a GF & that they live together. He wants to conveniently leave out the whole infidelity part of the story. He doesn't think son will ask about specifics like how long they've been together or lived together, but, just in case, he would just say, "For awhile." Seriously? I know son would ask that b/c that's the first thing he asked me when I told him dad had a GF.

I think maybe I should have told H I've already told son. If I was going to tell him, yesterday was the time. I feel bad for not saying anything. Maybe I was wrong?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well yesterday is gone so you can't do anything about not having told him yesterday.

If your son brings up they were living together for awhile I suppose you could tell him that he left the marriage to live with her & that they were already involved during your marriage.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Children are a lot smarter than we adults give them credit for.


Exactly right.

PartlyCloudy, you handled it well. Do not be negative when talking about your H or the skank. (although I can talk negative about her all I want)

Just don't say much. Let him make up his own mind. I know it sucks to know your child is going to be around a real piece of s***. But nothing you can do unless you can prove she is a physical danger to your son. Unfortunately being an unscrupulous POS doesn't count. Cuz if it did, the courts wouldn't let your H around him either.

What may happen is that all the time you are keeping your mouth shut, and showing restraint in saying to your son what you really want to say, your H and the OW will end probably end up saying something negative about you, and your son won't stand for it.

Trust me, your son knows who the pieces of crap are in all of this. And it isn't you.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I would still decline the visitation until he agrees your son has no contact with the OW and signs a morality clause. Why expose your son to her and as most relationships resulting from an affair it is likely he will have another GF within a few months/years .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> I would still decline the visitation until he agrees your son has no contact with the OW and signs a morality clause.


Unfortunately, she can't do that unless she can prove that OW is a drug abuser, a felon of some sort, etc. Being a huss isn't sufficient grounds to keep his son away from his father. 

If she tries to deny visitation, she can be held in contempt of court and her H could very well wind up with custody.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Telling the truth is not only best for you, your child, but ultimately your skanky H.
13 year olds already know everything. They have a timeline, they hear everything.
Make sure he is armed with the truth. This is important for his relationship with you. You haven't bad mouthed the skankasaurous, but you sure don't have to sugar coat it.
" It hurt me a lot" 
" He made a choice to go to skanasaurus"
Let your kids make his own mind up about who is the Fckwit here..
He is going to get LIED TO. Over there. You are his safe place.


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