# Am I over reacting?



## manonfire (Nov 29, 2012)

I had posted here about a month ago, regarding my wife going off the deep end.

But I am going to just put that behind me right now, and focus on whats exactly happening as we speak.

I've been with her for 3 years. 1 married. Throughout our 3 years, there has been this one guy who will not leave her alone. They met online, before I even knew her, and he has been a 'confidant' or sorts or some bull**** like that. About 1 year into our relationship, he confessed his love to her. I told her to cease all communciation. Few months later, I find out they're still talking. Again, told her to back off and even told him, to back off. Again a year later. He again confesses love to her and his girlfriend of 3 years (We have been together for 2 years at this point) leaves him. I tell her again, to PROMISE me you will never speak to him again, she does. I message him, and tell him to stay away.

That as roughly 1 year ago. Within the last month, I have been suspicious of her (hiding marriage status on facebook. Adding people (guys) and hiding recent activity on facebook. So I dug into her emails and found out she was using another social media that focuses on music. And one of her friends was this guy. So, I didn't say anything about it. She was telling me about an idea she wanted to get for a tattoo, and I said well hey, check out X girls new tattoo. She got very angry and said I mention her too much, and that sense I use to talk to her its weird that I mention her so much. Kinda made me angry how hypocritical that was, so I said replied with don't tell me about how I 'mention' someone too much, when you're still talking to a guy who is in love with you after promising me you wouldn't and knowing that he has put a strain on our relationship before.

She said that she added him and started talking to him again. The evidence I found suggested that HE added her, and she accepted, but I think was saying this to make me angry.

I asked her how often they talk and she said 'I don't have to explain anything to you.'

He is not added to facebook (The source that would openly divulge their connection), but rather on another social media that she wasn't aware I knew of.

So, the evidence just throws up red flags, and her saying 'I'm not gonna tell you. Don't have to explain anything to you' again, throws up more red flags.

Now my ULTIMATE question here is. Do I have a right to be mad / concerned that my WIFE is talking consistently with a man who is in love with her? I won't even go as far as to say man. This boy who is in love with her? She is younger than me, and they are the same age. 

She insists that 'This is how I want MY marriage to go.' 
I tell her that well that's now how 'MARRIAGE' goes. You can't just entertain people who love you because you think they are 'friends'.

I think she is border-lining an emotional relationship.

I am deployed, so I am limited on what I can do / access.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Look up all the EA threads. EA is emotional affair. You are right to be concerned.

There is an off chance it is already a PA. VAR her car. Look for a burner phone. Keylogger the comp. NEVER divulge your sources.

How much free time does she have? IE chances to hook up? Girls nights out? Late night job?

Kids? Ages?


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## manonfire (Nov 29, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Look up all the EA threads. EA is emotional affair. You are right to be concerned.
> 
> There is an off chance it is already a PA. VAR her car. Look for a burner phone. Keylogger the comp. NEVER divulge your sources.
> 
> Kids? Ages?


I am deployed, so none of those are a viable option right now.
Honestly, I hate to call her dumb, but she isn't bright enough to go that far into it. I don't think she is cheating, at least physically. He lives hours away. 

Let's ASSUME she has no interest in him, other than being a confidant. Am I still in the wrong, wanting her to cease all communication considering he is in love with her?

She is 20, and he is 19 or 20.

I am only 21, but I consider my self far more man than this kid.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

No you are not wrong. There have been instances here of people flying in or meeting halfway between. 

Sorry I'm such a cynical SOB. It just kinda p***** me off when military spouses cheat on someone in some lousy sandbox country being shot at. I know about 10 vets of Iraq and Afghanistan. About 7 of them were cheated on.

She knows its cheating or she wouldn't hide it.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Very sorry that you are here. Thank you for your service. I was in Iraq, so I do have an idea of what you are going through. No, you are not wrong on wanting to protect your marriage. Your wife is wrong in doing this. You might want to consider a new life for you. Draging things out, is just a big waste of the short time you have on earth.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Shes your wife. You have a right to be concerned and angry, i would say. 
Especially since you have told her it made you uncomfortable, and she proceeded to LIE to you about it. 
I suggest you simply lay it out for her: your "friend" or your husband. 
If i were you, if she didnt lose him, id lose her. 
Of course im saying all this with hindsight. 
Dont let something like this invade your marriage. 
Kill it, or kill the phony marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

manonfire said:


> I am deployed, so none of those are a viable option right now.
> Honestly, I hate to call her dumb, but she isn't bright enough to go that far into it. I don't think she is cheating, at least physically. He lives hours away.
> 
> Let's ASSUME she has no interest in him, other than being a confidant. Am I still in the wrong, wanting her to cease all communication considering he is in love with her?
> ...


Don't think that distance is going to hinder them meeting up. You are gone and unless you have someone watching her, she knows you won't find out if her "friend" is staying at your house a couple days at a time or if she is meeting him half way somewhere. 

Don't underestimate anyone's ability or willingness to cheat. I pray you have not given her a power of attorney (if you are military).


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## manonfire (Nov 29, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> No you are not wrong. There have been instances here of people flying in or meeting halfway between.
> 
> Sorry I'm such a cynical SOB. It just kinda p***** me off when military spouses cheat on someone in some lousy sandbox country being shot at. I know about 10 vets of Iraq and Afghanistan. About 7 of them were cheated on.
> 
> She knows its cheating or she wouldn't hide it.


Yeah...I want to assume she is not cheating.

But rather seeks someone to talk to. I don't know. 

She goes to school and works all the time, so I don't think she is cheating. Unless he is going up there and into my apartment. Again, I think he goes to school or something as well, so I don't think that's the issue. I just don't want her entertaining some guy who is in love with her, and would not think twice to take a stab at my marriage and try to sweep her away.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

manonfire said:


> Yeah...I want to assume she is not cheating.
> 
> But rather seeks someone to talk to. I don't know.
> 
> She goes to school and works all the time, so I don't think she is cheating. Unless he is going up there and into my apartment. Again, I think he goes to school or something as well, so I don't think that's the issue. I just don't want her entertaining some guy who is in love with her, and would not think twice to take a stab at my marriage and try to sweep her away.


I'll tell ya this...if she can be swept away that easily, she probably aint worth keeping.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

She is far too immature to be married. Too young too - as are you. But unlike you, she has no concept of what marriage is. I think she sees marriage as merely a ceremony followed by a big party with presents - then, back to a single life.

And since you are deployed, the single life is very easy for her. That coupled with her boyfriend's (and that's what he is) constant attention just reinforces the idea.

If she was comitted to you, it would be very easy for het to shut this guy down - forcefully and permanently. But she doesn't want that.

Set her free and look for someone else. But wait until you've experienced more of life.


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## manonfire (Nov 29, 2012)

Some little voice in my head said 'don't give her power of attorney' before I left, so thank god I didn't.

But, I've tried to tell her to not speak to him, but since I am not confronting her face to face, she can simply ignore me. Literally, she will ignore me. Not read my facebook messages, or answer the phone. 

I have even told her before, you need to cease communication with him. She said its not how she 'pictured her marriage to be'. Told her I don't care about how she pictured her little open marriage bull****, its not how an actual real marriage goes. 

There is no winning with this girl.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Sure there is. 
If you are respectful and treat her like a good husband should treat his wife and she doesnt reciprocate...
Kick her a$$ to the curb. Let someone else deal with her immature nature. 
You win.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manonfire (Nov 29, 2012)

naga75 said:


> Sure there is.
> If you are respectful and treat her like a good husband should treat his wife and she doesnt reciprocate...
> Kick her a$$ to the curb. Let someone else deal with her immature nature.
> You win.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's probably the one thing that has stopped me from leaving. I don't want her being with someone else.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Well, either she is having an affair or playing with the emotions and life of some chap who is infatuated with her.

If it's the latter, if she were a decent person she would realise that playing him along -as she could be- is wrong, as it is not helping him to be a whole person and to get a woman for himself.

Either way, she is not being a good person and is not being a good spouse.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

manonfire said:


> That's probably the one thing that has stopped me from leaving. I don't want her being with someone else.


Thats not a good reason. Speaking from experience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

manonfire said:


> That's probably the one thing that has stopped me from leaving.* I don't want her being with someone else*.


Manonfire: OMG THINK!

These two morons deserve each other. Let them get together - then you can sit back with a scorecard and see who cheats more. My money is - her.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

manonfire said:


> Some little voice in my head said 'don't give her power of attorney' before I left, so thank god I didn't.
> 
> But, I've tried to tell her to not speak to him, but since I am not confronting her face to face, she can simply ignore me. Literally, she will ignore me. Not read my facebook messages, or answer the phone.


Fantastic that you did not give her a POA. And don't, even if she comes up with some bullsh*t reason. If she has friends who are military spouses, she can get bad (for you) advice from them to screw you. 

Let that little voice in your head SCREAM to you. She is not going to change. That immature behavior of avoidance and ignoring???? She will still be that way when she is 50. My husband of 22 years still behaves that way. Sorry my story is long, but please read it and let it sink in for what sort of life you might have in the future.....just how bad that behavior can go to the extreme.

He is retired navy and we live overseas. I developed medical problems and had to come back stateside. Communication started out with calls and e-mails everyday where he told me he loved me. Eventually it became difficult to catch him at home. He was even responding to e-mails less. Money began disappearing in very large amounts. I wanted to come home for a visit, but there was no money. When I asked him about all this, he gave lots of excuses, avoidance, etc. When I was persistent, he became angry and stopped communicating. 

He came for a visit in oct and said he wanted a divorce and immediately went back home. He has phones unplugged and won't respond to e-mails. He won't answer voice messages from his mother, who almost died last summer. He won't communicate with our grown son either. I found out through a mutual friend that he has moved a woman into our home and to top it off has gone hog wild as a ONS serial cheater....and he brags about it. 

He is almost 50 and his ignore/avoid behavior is no diffrent today than when he was 25, only right now, he really has done a number on me. Do you really want to rug sweep her behavior and later on find you wasted so many years with a selfish disrespectful person like this?


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## idkwot2do (Dec 29, 2012)

It sounds to me like your wife is not taking your marriage seriously and may not even want to be married.

That is a good receipe for infedelity

You are both young and maybe in 2 or 3 more years she might understand what i means to be married.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Now let me see.
You can't stand her being with someone else.
She disregards your demands, and ignore you while continuing to disrespect you.

Have I got it right dude ???

Solution: Learn to let your wife do what and who she wants, or learn to be grown up enough to leave her.

When you was home she still kept in contact with him, and you did nothing but make her repeat the lie you wanted to hear.
So we have nothing to tell you, cause you WILL NOT do what we recommend.
She knows you are not going to do anything, so she is now punishing you, for upsetting her lil world.

I can just see how this is going to look 3 or 4 yrs down the road when you come back saying she had a PA.

Dude, tell her to pack your stuff and take it to your parents, for you are filing for a D.
Hopefully that will make her take you serious.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Now let me see.
> You can't stand her being with someone else.
> She disregards your demands, and ignore you while continuing to disrespect you.
> 
> ...


:iagree: This may be your only option to wake her up.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife is choosing to betray you, your trust, and your marriage even if she never lays a kiss onto this guy. She is choosing to lie to you, to put another man ahead of her husband, etc.

All of that is cheating.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

I went and looked at the other threads you started.

Have you contacted your dad??
Have you talked to the JAG office??
Have you talk to the credit union??
Did she go to the club??

Did YOU do anything the VETS recommended ??

What does she have to do for you to see this woman does not want to be married, but just want someone to be her personal bankbook ??

In fact, what did she do for you for Christmas??
My guess. She spent your money on having a good time

There was a time when you was ready to admit you didn't want to be with her anymore.
So why are you still asking advice when you WON'T take it ??


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> So why are you still asking advice when you WON'T take it ??


Because you guys are still not giving him the advice he wants to hear. So let me try: Dude, just hang in there. She really loves and respect you and will eventually come around. This guy is just a friend -- really. She will never screw around on you and you will never have to worry about the paternity of your children. Give her the POA and be sure to increase your life insurance policy because this girl really and truly loves you. Quit being so jealous about nothing. Everything is going to be fine.

Is that the advice that you were looking for?


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## manonfire (Nov 29, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> I went and looked at the other threads you started.
> 
> Have you contacted your dad??
> Have you talked to the JAG office??
> ...


I have solved the money issue. Called the bank.
Moved around my funds.
She doesn't spend my money that much anymore.
She is actually going tonight. Not as worried, she is going to some cheesy dance music club with weird white kids dressed in weird ****, opposed to the ghetto ass hip hop clubs here in Columbus. (No offense intended) And she did compromise with me by wearing shorts instead of some hooker dress.

She's gotten better since I last posted.
She didn't do anything for me on Christmas.

I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt and wait until after I get back from deployment / block leave to decide whats gonna happen. She is doing much better, and talking to me a lot better. She's still a little jumpy here and there, but sometimes I push an issue.



Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Because you guys are still not giving him the advice he wants to hear. So let me try: Dude, just hang in there. She really loves and respect you and will eventually come around. This guy is just a friend -- really. She will never screw around on you and you will never have to worry about the paternity of your children. Give her the POA and be sure to increase your life insurance policy because this girl really and truly loves you. Quit being so jealous about nothing. Everything is going to be fine.
> 
> Is that the advice that you were looking for?


This really does make me feel like a jackass. 
I don't think she has cheated on me yet, and I don't think she actually likes the kid. I guess what I am looking for are outside opinions on the fact that she is without a doubt, in the wrong.

But again, this does make me feel like a jack ass.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You also didn't think she would talk to you the way she did.
Man you have it bad.

Do you really think she would tell you what she's really going to wear or where she's really going, when you have put a big dent in her bankbook and have no job.

Look man, grow the hell up.

The dude is not a problem. The VETS told you how the disrespect starts AFTER they have had an injection, but if you won't open your eyes, there is nothing we can advise you that will help.

I REALLY do wish you the the best. You are one of our boys putting his life on the line for us. So we want you home safe.
Also I'm very sorry she didn't think enough of you to send you at least a nice card.

DAMN this pisses me off !!! 

I'll just say this and get off this thread.
She is only pretending so she will have at least a lil of your money to spend.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I have no idea why this did not absolutely jump at me yesterday. 

>>She is actually going tonight. Not as worried, she is going to some cheesy dance music club with weird white kids dressed in weird ****, opposed to the ghetto ass hip hop clubs here in Columbus. (No offense intended) And she did compromise with me by wearing shorts instead of some hooker dress.<

1) MARRIED WOMEN DO NOT GO TO DANCE CLUBS AND DANCE WITH OTHER MEN! search the words here "girls night out"
2) She SAYS she is going to wear shorts (in winter) INSTEAD OF A HOOKER DRESS?? Am I the only one going DUBYA TEE EFF??? hardcore?

This one is real easy. You don't need to be home. Send someone to hang around in the club and keep tabs on your wife. Good money says bad bad answers come back in record time; no VAR needed.

Sorry Still a cynical SOB.


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## manonfire (Nov 29, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> I have no idea why this did not absolutely jump at me yesterday.
> 
> >>She is actually going tonight. Not as worried, she is going to some cheesy dance music club with weird white kids dressed in weird ****, opposed to the ghetto ass hip hop clubs here in Columbus. (No offense intended) And she did compromise with me by wearing shorts instead of some hooker dress.<
> 
> ...


I asked her to send me a picture of her while she was there, she was wearing shorts. I still couldn't tell you if she danced with anyone or not.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Sorry if I come across as harsh. You know she did. Just send a friend to watch next time she goes.

I have about 10 military friends/acquaintances and the majority were cheated on. It just angers me no end, especially when that person is in some sand dune hell being shot at. One of my friends got stop loss-ed a crazy number of times. Just as he thought he would get a decent assignment he got ordered back into the sand. Sorry I rant.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Manonfire

Why-oh-why? 
That's just great - she wore her hot pants instead of her wh0re outfit to go out clubbing with 'the gang'. 

And wasn't that just the height of fidelity to send you a picture? She's so sweet! And best of all, she sent YOU the one where she was wearing her outfit, instead of the "other ones" she took. 

Yeah, it's a step-up from hanging out at those cheesy nightclubs. 
If you were my brother I'd slap you so hard you'd need a chiropractor to straighten you neck. 

Good luck man. You are going to need a lot of it - and the good will of all the guys out there that run into your wife.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Firstly, thank you for your service and Godspeed to you and your comrades in arms. Your dilemma is precisely why you don't get married at 20 years old. You have been deployed and seen a lot of things that she has not, she really does not know what she wants in life. I would image that she probably isn't a bad person at heart, but a little immature. This is not surprising as most people her are a little immature. There is not much that you can do from a deployed position but concentrate on your mission and keep yourself safe. I would have a very frank discussion with her that you use this time as a constructive separation and upon your return, decide if she wants to recommit to this relationship or divorce. I really need to look at this situation with your eyes wide open. This is not something you want to drag out for years and have children with someone that is this non-committed to you. Life is too short, do not settle for a second rate relationship. Be safe.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

VFW said:


> Firstly, thank you for your service and Godspeed to you and your comrades in arms. Your dilemma is precisely why you don't get married at 20 years old. You have been deployed and seen a lot of things that she has not, she really does not know what she wants in life. I would image that she probably isn't a bad person at heart, but a little immature. This is not surprising as most people her are a little immature. There is not much that you can do from a deployed position but concentrate on your mission and keep yourself safe. I would have a very frank discussion with her that you use this time as a constructive separation and upon your return, decide if she wants to recommit to this relationship or divorce. I really need to look at this situation with your eyes wide open. This is not something you want to drag out for years and have children with someone that is this non-committed to you. Life is too short, do not settle for a second rate relationship. Be safe.


+1


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