# How to deal with the images?



## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

How to deal with the images?

So it's been about a month since I found out my wife cheated on me. it's a long complicated story I don't feel like repeating. But we've been trying to work on on our marriage and when things are going pretty up and down. I feel like she is truly remorseful for what she did and she does want to make things work with me. 

But I have a hard time whenever I'm not around her having images of her with this other person and I can not stop thinking about it. I've been cheated on before and a past relationship but I didn't know what the person she was slept with looked like, but now with my wife I know the person she slept with. I've known him since high school. I've seen him in my home around my children. I want to see him under my boot but that's a different discussion.

Whenever I keep having these images, I can't sleep or eat or take care of myself even in the most basic ways. Struggling to keep my house together, my kids happy, I'm just all over just falling apart. I become so irritated and flat or angry and I won't even want to look at wife or I start telling her how terrible everything she's done makes me feel.

One of the hardest part about all of this is getting over that image. Image of this POS sex with my wife over and over again in my head. I've looked online the other techniques to get it to stop at nothing is worked. For a little while every time I would start having the image I would just do it on my wife and start having sex with her but that's not always an option that I can rely on.

There are days where I do just want to leave ,I just want to give up. I love her but I really wonder if this is really worth going through anymore. I wonder if she really deserves a second chance. If I'm ever going to accept or truly ever forgive her. How can she ever understand how hard this is for me if she has never gone through anything like this herself.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> One of the hardest part about all of this is getting over that image. Image of this POS sex with my wife over and over again in my head. I've looked online the other techniques to get it to stop at nothing is worked.


From another guy who has BTDT, a month is not even close to enough time. It's not so much that the techniques don't work, it's just that they require YEARS in order to work. But, eventually, they do. I understand my experience was "average", and required somewhere between 2-3 years. 

An important note is that this 2-3 year period was only the time it required for the "mind movies" to not invoke strong emotions. I still have them, after 33 years. Of course, since about 30 years ago, the "mind movie" is only a memory and no longer makes me want to puke, maime, or dig out my deer rifle.

About the time the strong emotions subside, the movie characters change. It's no longer an image of the POS having sex with your wife..... it becomes your POS wife with some guy other than you. Of course, he's still a POS, too. But you start to place the dishonorary title correctly.



BeardedAndBroken said:


> There are days where I do just want to leave ,I just want to give up. I love her but I really wonder if this is really worth going through anymore.


Only you can answer the question for yourself. You cannot take my answer, but my answer was this. I didn't leave. However, I came to the point where I recognized that the reward I would get for "going through" it was going to be completely insufficient to make me want to do it. I came to the "place" where I did not love her anymore, and if she was the last woman on earth, I wouldn't pursue her even with somebody else's penis. It wasn't hatred, in any sense. Only complete apathy.



BeardedAndBroken said:


> I wonder if she really deserves a second chance.


Nope. In fact, that is the prime criterion upon which she can get a "second chance", the realization that she DOES NOT DESERVE it, that it is given to her out of my own heart of mercy and compassion, and not as a result of anything she has done, or anything she could ever do, to "earn" it in any sense.



BeardedAndBroken said:


> If I'm ever going to accept or truly ever forgive her.


Well, in my case, I forgave her, in the sense that I gave up any "right" to revenge. This took almost as long as it did for the mind movies to become only memories. Accept ? NO WAY. Not then, not ever. What she did was WRONG. It was a sin against me, a sin against God, a sin against our family, and a sin against our children.
No way in hell will I ever "accept" this. Not then, not now, not in the world to come. Forgive ? ...yes...reconcile ? ..... no desire.




BeardedAndBroken said:


> How can she ever understand how hard this is for me if she has never gone through anything like this herself.


She can't, and she won't. You cannot look to her to provide any help whatsoever with this. She never will.
You will have to get your help from sources other than your wife.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It took me roughly 18 months to get over seeing the "mind-movies" perpetrated by my RSXW and her jugass lover, "Little Lord Larda$$!"

In time, it became downright disgusting to even entertain thinking about but then it became more than laughable! And always remember that the affair partners physical appearance is rarely ever anything to write home about ~ with rare exception, they are usually always out of shape and/or "butt-ugly!"

In its three notable stages, I have found "mind-movies" to come to exist in this order:
(1) Nagging Disbelief 
(2) Utter Disgust
(3) Laughable Hysteria *


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> How to deal with the images?
> 
> So it's been about a month since I found out my wife cheated on me. it's a long complicated story I don't feel like repeating. But we've been trying to work on on our marriage and when things are going pretty up and down. I feel like she is truly remorseful for what she did and she does want to make things work with me.
> 
> ...


Replace them with images of divorce paperwork.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I am usually in the reconcile camp, and you give me little to go on here. You may end up just be staying for the kids. What, if anything is she doing to help you get the images out of your head. Are you seeing a therapist? Has she experienced any consequences to her actions? The best is a fairly punitive divorce action. Now that sounds counter-intuitive if you are doing the pick me dance. However it is a tool in your case. It is used to break her out of the fog and get her to understand what she did to you. Listen, a lot of men cannot ever get those images out of their heads.

You are in HB with her right now, that fades, and the original problem remains. You are going through a gamut of emotions, but end of the day, she betrayed you. She slept with a friend of yours, which is a double fuxk-you. You have said very little as to what she is doing. The affair is all on her. You did nothing wrong. Now she needs consequences for her actions. Nothing wakes them up to the potential consequences of infidelity.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> How can she ever understand how hard this is for me if she has never gone through anything like this herself.


Like all WS's, she wants you to simply get over it and stop bellyaching over it. 

She'll never understand nor care because the foundation of cheating is selfishness and simply not caring about other people's feelings to begin with. 

It's not that she doesn't understand your pain - it's that she doesn't care about it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> There are days where I do just want to leave ,I just want to give up. I love her but I really wonder if this is really worth going through anymore. I wonder if she really deserves a second chance. If I'm ever going to accept or truly ever forgive her. .



There's nothing that says you have to accept it or forgive it. 

There is nothing that says you have to stay with her. 

There are countless people who can't live with it and the pain and turmoil of remaining with their betrayer becomes toxic and the pain and anguish of staying becomes more painful and toxic than leaving and moving on with their own life. 

That is a risk that a WS takes when get it on with someone else. They are not owed and are not entitled to any second chances. 

Even the bible allows for divorce in cases of adultery. 

If you do decide that you no longer wish to remain in this toxic situation, that is not a failure of yours. It is the failure of your wife to stay out of other men's beds. 

Noone expects you to stay and accept it and no one will think less of you for divorcing her (in fact there is probably more shame and judgement upon those who do suck it up and take it and stay)


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Some guys cannot get past the fact that their wife cheated on them. They can’t get passed it, they are just not wired to get over it. You gave it your best shot maybe it is time to look at divorcing your wife


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I hope you've banned the other man from your life and family


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

It's a great big world out there. With plenty of women who don't cheat. What good is a wife if she is not loyal especially when if she wants to cheat she will always have opportunity with someone. 

I can tell you one thing, when you fall in love with someone else the mind images truly stop and never return. That is because the thing made them so painful the love you had for her will now be invested in someone else. 

Things in life end, your marriage was always going to end some day, maybe she just ended it sooner then you though it would.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

The absolutely best way to deal with the images is looking in the eyes of another woman that adores you and don't screw other guys hanging around your house.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

The images left when she left. Funny how that works...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

How? You file for divorce. 

Sorry to be so blunt.

And hey, a month is way to short a time for you to have decided to keep the marriage. 

You need to think and read on here for a month and see how you feel, and IF you want to keep the marriage. This is on your terms, you make the decisions and the time table, NOT HER. 

Have you even thought whether or not you want to keep the marriage, and why? You may as well tell the whole story. 

With particular attention to how she was caught and how, the truth, she has been acting. 

But how do you get rid of the movies, you dump her...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> *Replace them with images of divorce paperwork.*


*... or lawyer's bills!*


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You are suffering from the betrayed spouse version of ptsd. Fortunately, there is a great treatment for it. Find an experienced counselor that does EMDR treatments. It was developed for soldiers that have been in battle. We have had soldiers here that said adultery was worse than battle but I am not qualified to say that’s true. 

In any event, that’s what you need to do for yourself. You need to describe what happened though to get more than just generic advice.

Actually, you’re lucky you found out, 80% never do. Of the ones that do though, only about 1 out of 6 men stay with a cheating wife. Usually, it’s divorce.

What is your real reason for staying?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, experts claim it takes 3-5 years to get back to a normal relationship with a cheater. You will never be able to give 100% trust.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Bearded:

Often a BS believes themself to be in reconciliation when it is actually false.

Have you confirmed the affair is over? If so, how?

What actions is your wife taking to show she is a safe partner again?

What did you require of her to consider reconciliation rather than divorce?

Sorry you are here.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

BaB,

The images, mind movies and such are pretty much a given. I personally had a horrible time with the images when I decided to R with my cheating W. I really don't believe you "get over" them as much as the months turn to years you "desensitize" yourself to them as they play over and over in your mind. In truth, 3-5 years was about right with me. 

Your only a month in. In terms of recovery that's less than 5 min. The emotions you speak to... Anger, Rage, Disgust, Sadness, Lost and Wandering, Numbness are all par for Infidelity induced PTSD. I remember bouncing around with these emotions like some terrible pin ball game. Blindly staring at the ceiling or walls became my favorite pass time. 

In regards to Forgiveness and Forgetting... Forgiveness after being betrayed will not be a one-stop-shop. It's more often a progressive endeavor that can and will backup on occasion. 100%? In honesty, not even close. Forgetting? Pffffh. Short of a coma, not going to happen.

D or R is a personal choice, only you get to decide. Truthfully, finances and children played a major part in my decision in R. That being said... we both know that D is an option anytime in the future. As you keep reading about infidelity, you run across the "in time, it made our marriage stronger". Say WHAT? The truth is you just make the best out of terrible wrong.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Replace them with images of divorce paperwork.


There is a lot to be said for affirmations and visualization to change a person's perspective and change their reality as well.

There are studies that show that visualizing shooting free throws in basketball are almost as good as practicing that on the basketball court. The same with other athletic events, even with weight loss.

So my advice would be to not only visualize the divorce paperwork, but have the OP visualize having sex with a beautiful person, fall in love with someone who is "above their league," and living happily ever after.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Just keep your comments in one post as many people here are commenting without context of your other post.

Basically I refer you to my last comment in the other post.

You are plan B to this woman and always will be.

This woman is going to leave you at some point or another. That is guaranteed. Cut your losses.


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