# Oops! I did it again...



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Hi everyone,

It's been 2.5 years since my ex confessed his affair to me. Since then, I've made a lot of changes in my life, including moving over 2000 miles from him. Starting over, y'know? 

During this past 2.5 years, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I deliberately didn't date because I didn't feel I was ready. 

In October last year, I started a new job. A few months later, several other warehouses closed and the people re-located to our warehouse. 

I struck up a friendship with a man who I'll call 'A', who is about 14 years younger than me. But we hit it off quite well. As the months progressed, I learned a lot about him. His first and second wife cheated on him, and his most recent g/f went back to her husband several months ago. She went back to her h. "for the kids". 'A' figured that their relationship was done.

Meanwhile, 'A' and I had begun to flirt with each other. One day he gave me his number and I gave him mine. I don't remember what happened but that night we ended up having a marathon texting session lasting for over 5 hours. We learned that we had a lot in common, and we acknowledged that we had a strong attraction toward one another. Over the next few days, our texting started to become sexual (something I've never done before, and he says that he's never done before either). After about a week, I got up the nerve to kiss him...

From that point, our turned HIGHLY sexual. It was obvious that despite our difference in age, we both wanted each other...which finally happened only a few days ago. 

Now, this guy is the all-around great guy. He's bright, physically attractive, even-tempered, funny, witty, etc. He's by far, the 'total package'. I was falling in serious "like" with this guy. 

This morning was the second time we had sex. Afterwards, we were talking about his ex and it struck me; she will want him back. They met while she was having an in-house separation (nothing on paper) with her husband. 'A' was with her for about a year or so before she told him that she had to try with her h. again for her kids. They broke up several months ago. 'A' was convinced that they probably wouldn't get back together. I repeated a few times, "She's GOING to call you". 

I left his house this morning feeling like I was on cloud nine. I was really smitten by this guy. But I knew I had to protect my heart from possibly getting hurt, so I pulled the reins in on my feelings. 

Lo and behold, I get a text this evening. She called him. She told him that her h. moved away, and that she wants to try (with 'A') again. I knew that 'A' was head over heels in love with her, and really wants to be with her. 'A' apologized profusely to me, and wants to still be friends (we always said to each other that we would remain friends, even if the sexual aspect of our relationship ends). I will be seeing him in several hours just to talk and kind of solidify where we stand with each other. After all, we will still be working together. 

I don't feel that 'A' was a jerk. I'm obviously sad about this, but I know that I'll get over it. But I keep feeling that after everything I've read on TAM and other sites, I STILL made a mistake by picking the wrong guy. Hence, the title of my thread. 

I'm not quite sure what to expect now that we're 'only' going to be friends, so my question is this: Is he just saying that because he wants to let me down easier, or is he interested in a REAL friendship with me? 

ETA: One of my concerns is whether or not his relationship with her will last. He has been very hurt before, and I don't want to see him get hurt again. Would love to advise him, but I wouldn't know what to say...

Right now, I feel sort of...lost, and I'm looking for a shoulder to cry on. Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks.

Vega


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Vega said:


> I'm not quite sure what to expect now that we're 'only' going to be friends, so my question is this: Is he just saying that because he wants to let me down easier, or is he interested in a REAL friendship with me?


Difficult to say, but honestly it might not matter. If and when ("when" seems more likely) his girlfriend finds out that the two of you were intimate, she'll likely "lay down the law" and insist that he drop you altogether.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Difficult to say, but honestly it might not matter. If and when ("when" seems more likely) his girlfriend finds out that the two of you were intimate, she'll likely "lay down the law" and insist that he drop you altogether.


Ha! Funny you should say that because...

...I told him the EXACT SAME THING this morning! I asked him if he was going to tell her what happened between us and he said he wasn't sure. I told him that if she asks for details, and if he's honest, then she'll know that we were intimate twice, and she probably won't believe him that it was ONLY twice. Also, she will be VERY uncomfortable if you tell her that we work together (even though we only see each other for a few minutes each day). I told him to be prepared for her to 'lay down the law' so to speak. 

Yeah. I see our "friendship" quickly ending. 

Vega


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Red flags are as follows:
- Getting into relationship with a co worker.
- Getting sexual too fast without even starting a relationship .
- Getting involved with someone that has not healed/recovered from other relationships.

This was a fling OP and you didn't take necessary steps to protect yourself and get to know the person in front of you.

This takes MONTHS AND YEARS.

I mean seriously, you let this guy have you without any dates even? Just 5 hour text session (possibly more days) and some talking back and forth.

You are right, you did it again I guess. 

When building a healthy/proper relationship it's in the best interest of BOTH parties to not be intimate for as long as possible. Once sex/intimacy comes into play our feelings get stronger and we skip crucial steps of building proper relationship. 

Get to know the person WELL before you sleep with them.

As for this guy, cut him off completely (block him/ignore him at work). If he persists "friendship" tell him it's over.

DO NOT date at work for gods sakes.
DO NOT get into bed with someone too fast/or while not in the relationship with them.
And do not get involved with someone that clearly hasn't gotten over their previous relationship.

I'm also not exactly sure what is your standing with your Ex. Did you guys break up after his affair?

Why did he cheat?


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Vega said:


> I'm not quite sure what to expect now that we're 'only' going to be friends, so my question is this: Is he just saying that because he wants to let me down easier, or is he interested in a REAL friendship with me?
> 
> ETA: One of my concerns is whether or not his relationship with her will last. He has been very hurt before, and I don't want to see him get hurt again. Would love to advise him, but I wouldn't know what to say...
> 
> ...


That's sad about him being unavailable and I'm sorry you feel so let down, but think about the negatives: 1) he's a co-worker; 2) he's 14 years younger.

I think he was trying to be polite and to make sure that you understand that he respects you as a person, but that is not interested in a committed relationship with you. 

Don't worry about helping him with his new relationship. Not your problem. He can tell her what he wants about what happened between the two of you.

Consider this as a learning experience and move forward.


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## bild-a-loco (Jan 22, 2014)

I'm assuming you're younger. I've had this discussion with a LOT of older teenagers who are now young adults and they are seemingly incapable of having a lasting relationship. 

You CANNOT form a "relationship" with ANYBODY via texting - it cannot be done. You have no face-to-face intimacy, you do not see facial expressions, you don't see tell-tales in their body language, you don't know anything about them except that their thumbs work - it is a HORRIBLE basis to build anything on, let alone get the data that you think you can build a relationship on. 

I honestly think the cell phone will be the downfall of our civilization. That being said, as was said above, you don't date a co-worker, that seldom ends well, you jumped into bed with this guy waaay too fast, and if you jumped into bed with a guy knowing he was still "in love" with another woman - then what on earth were you thinking? Not trying to sound harsh, but that's just asking to be hurt. 

He may want to remain friends, probably does so he's got you on the back burner for more sex if things go badly with Plan A - it's always good to have a Plan B standing by. Have a little more respect for yourself, please, and take some time to actually build a relationship - not get a cyber friend in messages will with little smiley faces.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's definitely Plan B for her. You're possibly Plan B for him. And he could be available once again -- the next time she dumps him. He's not a good idea though. Find someone outside work so you don't have to see them every day when it ends.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Openminded said:


> He's definitely Plan B for her. You're possibly Plan B for him. And he could be available once again -- the next time she dumps him.


Good point. OP, don't go back to him please if it ends badly with the girlfriend. Don't be concerned too much about his well-being or with helping him make good decisions!


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Walk away and don't look back.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

guy was divorced twice, and was dating a married woman? This guy is a super "catch" for what reason?

You definitely need to start dating again, but you deserve a little better than this guy!!


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Well, look at it this way -- you may not have necessarily picked the "wrong guy" but rather the wrong circumstances. It is very important, going forward, that you survey the damage. Meaning, are they still getting over an ex? How long was their last relationship and how long ago did they break up? Do they still have contact? How much? etc..... 

I have been there and done that. I have a few t-shirts hanging in my closet with that saying. 

Don't be surprised if he comes buzzing around you again if things with this woman and him don't work out. It sounds like he goes from one relationship to another without closing one down completely. 

And don't beat yourself up too badly about it. I think I'd keep him at arms length and let him know that you are disappointed things went as far as they did between the two of you. 

Look at this as another learning experience.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

Vega, 
Chalk it up to lessons learned. Your gut at least warned you before she called, I wish I had that kind of radar.

I'm 38, know how the game is played (though I truly wish I didn't have to play), and still get my heart ripped out and handed to me by a young woman every once in a long while. My very much a player/man-ho friend says, "If you play any game enough, you are going to lose sometimes" --> referring to dating and courtship. 

BTW, I don't agree with the posters who say "way to fast, or texting is no way to have a relationship or whatever". You have one life and you can't spend it reserved or scared.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

BTW, I'm not sure that EVERY man is like this, but when I want to stay friends, that means I want to sleep with you sometimes.


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## 1971 (Mar 7, 2013)

Matters of the heart are always difficult 


.


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## 1971 (Mar 7, 2013)

Vanton68 said:


> BTW, I'm not sure that EVERY man is like this, but when I want to stay friends, that means I want to sleep with you sometimes.



Very true

.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Of he wouldn't be honest with her in the first place I would write him off completely.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Ok, so you had a "fling" with a younger co-worker. And now it's over. 

Oh well, time to move on.

And it was good, wasn't it? All those dirty little texts... The sex. Bet you're smiling about right now, remembering! And that's ok! Really! Don't beat yourself up over it.

You kinda knew in the bottom of your heart he wasn't going to last forever. You knew that. Yes, you did. It was a fling, nothing serious. You know now that Life can be fun again after divorce. You have healed to the point you're ready to try again. It's a good feeling isn't it? You tested the waters and didn't drown.

It may be time to get back into dating. The right way... Dinners, movies, walks on the beach at sunset, all that stuff normal people do when dating. You're ready now...

Yeah, he'll come weasling back, they always do when they get dumped, again. Just smile and say no thanks. Time to move on.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Vega said:


> 'A' apologized profusely to me, and wants to still be friends (we always said to each other that we would remain friends, even if the sexual aspect of our relationship ends). I will be seeing him in several hours just to talk and kind of solidify where we stand with each other. After all, we will still be working together.


I am sorry for your heart pain. 

I say, don't feel bad. You enjoyed yourself, right? 

You did mention you thought he was still in love with this woman so in the future I'd caution you to not get involved with someone emotionally who is still into someone else (unless you can strictly handle a friends with benefits relationship--which let's face it--almost never pans out because one side usually ends up with feelings).

As to whether it will work out between them- who knows. Only time will tell.

He prob wants to meet you to ease the ending of your relationship and also end on good terms being that you have to work together, so he is concerned about that too.


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