# How to handle his problem



## ShadowOfDreams22

My Husband and I have only been married 5 months but have been together about 2-3 years. I don't know how to handle this. I moved in with him after our daughter was born in 2011. For the most part things were going great. I was using his computer for me and I discovered under his book marks porn sites. I understand men are men and get the urge to look at it sometimes... I never realized how much he looked at it till I started digging. He was going on just about every night. Then I found he was also going on the cam sites. Web cam models, to me that's not porn to me. that is pretty much having someone doing a lap dance in your home. He also pays for this stuff. So I confronted him about it distraught and I thought it had stopped.... yeah ok. He ended up finding a differen't one and going on that one. So now being 5 months married and in a second pregnancy I am stressed to no end because our sex life is like once every 2 weeks or less... sometimes once a month. In the last week I caught him jerking off to it twice. Once while we were kinda upset with each other and of course that made things worse.... and then last night. I am hurt by this cause I don't understand how jerking off can be more satisfying then being with me. I love him and don't want this to tear us apart. But everytime I have tried to talk to him about it he says I am being ridiculous. Then today when I found out I messaged him angerly and when I told him why he says I am retarded! how can you say that about your wife. I just need help trying to get this handled I have mentioned counseling of course that just blew up in my face. Has anyone else dealt with this? can anyone give me a idea how to go about it. I have about 7 hours til he gets home from work... and maybe talk about it then... if not I don't know when were going to.


----------



## Ignis

ShadowOfDreams22 said:


> My Husband and I have only been married 5 months but have been together about 2-3 years. I don't know how to handle this. I moved in with him after our daughter was born in 2011. For the most part things were going great. I was using his computer for me and I discovered under his book marks porn sites. I understand men are men and get the urge to look at it sometimes... I never realized how much he looked at it till I started digging. He was going on just about every night. Then I found he was also going on the cam sites. Web cam models, to me that's not porn to me. that is pretty much having someone doing a lap dance in your home. He also pays for this stuff. So I confronted him about it distraught and I thought it had stopped.... yeah ok. He ended up finding a differen't one and going on that one. So now being 5 months married and in a second pregnancy I am stressed to no end because our sex life is like once every 2 weeks or less... sometimes once a month. In the last week I caught him jerking off to it twice. Once while we were kinda upset with each other and of course that made things worse.... and then last night. I am hurt by this cause I don't understand how jerking off can be more satisfying then being with me. I love him and don't want this to tear us apart. But everytime I have tried to talk to him about it he says I am being ridiculous. Then today when I found out I messaged him angerly and when I told him why he says I am retarded! how can you say that about your wife. I just need help trying to get this handled I have mentioned counseling of course that just blew up in my face. Has anyone else dealt with this? can anyone give me a idea how to go about it. I have about 7 hours til he gets home from work... and maybe talk about it then... if not I don't know when were going to.


It is really not about you. His engaging in pornography is his way to cope with some inner issues. 

You two must talk a lot! And of course, he must realize that he has a problem. You will not be able to handle it - he has to do it!


----------



## DumpedAgain

Addiction is Addiction, whether it is work, booze or porn

I am separated from my wife, partly due to addictions
Although I quit drinking 22 years ago, I haven't really dealt
with my addictive personality and have been addicted to 
porn to the detriment of my intimacy with my wife

I am going to a counselor to deal with this. No one ever
deals with an addiction until the pain of the addiction 
hurts so much that you have to do something

Certainly addictions are not the only reason I am separated
but getting dumped was a major wakeup call that I have to
deal with balancing my life, including dealing with addiction

Mark


----------



## SaltInWound

It took my husband 20 years of porn and gambling addiction to kill our marriage. You have to stop this porn addiction. Right now, he prefers his hand. Give it years and he won't be able to penetrate you due to erectile dysfunction. He eventually won't care if he gets caught. He may, like my husband, decide it isn't necessary to even leave the bed to masterbate. he will do it while you are asleep beside him. He doesn't care about a warm body. My husband has many demons he just refuses to face. I can only imagine how dark he is on the inside. He is really quite pathetic when you look at him now at age 50.


----------



## Davelli0331

As others have stated, an addiction of any kind is an indicator of a deeper dissatisfaction in life. It becomes the "go-to" activity when dealing with the stress of that dissatisfaction.

In spite of what some people would tell you, it's not always due to some earth-shattering, deeper fundamental issue. For some guys, the addiction begins as something to do when they're bored. Among guys my age (early 30s) and younger, it's almost like a meme: 
"What'd you do today?"
"Oh well, I had the day off, the wife was at work, so I worked in the shop, cleaned the bathroom, got bored, watched some porn."

It starts insidiously as a response to a specific stressor (boredom in that case), but later morphs into a response for many different stressors. Eventually the person can't handle stress of any kind without their "security blanket".

The thing you have Shadow is that there's no way you can compete with the fantasies in his hand. Yes, it does not make any sense that a man would rather have his hand than a living, breathing woman. But the porn has him in its hold, and its endless selection of "beautiful" women willing and able to do any act that he can google for is far more in his mind than you can offer.

Your H is protecting his habit when he lashes out at you. Believe it or not, deep, deep down, he's very ashamed of himself. He knows it's wrong. But he has to have his fix, and he'll do whatever he can to protect it, even if it means demeaning you.

Given that he's protecting it so strongly, I think you're gonna have to play hardball with him. Threaten to leave if he doesn't start counseling.


----------

