# I don't wish this upon my worst enemy



## vanessa365 (Aug 17, 2012)

I've been married for 22 years. I've felt horrible for the past 3. My husband is a great person, but I've lost my love for him. I've tried so hard to love him again. I feel like I'm just a robot. Idk if I'm the good person, probably not. We have 2 boys, 20 & 15. He wakes me up with a cup if coffee, and tells me how beautiful I am, what is wrong with me? He never sees my faults and never sets me straight. I wish maybe he'd slap the "right" into me. I'm keeping a lot of things out, because I know you'll all bang on me. Please help me get out of this immense delirious and horrible nightmare!!! He is what every woman wants. But I'm not happy. I've also been drinking a lot, and a few times my children have noticed. I've been to AA, and stopped drinking...somewhat. My life is a nightmare!!!! Please examine me. I'll be truthful, honest, and open. I can't wait to be happy and whole again.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## vanessa365 (Aug 17, 2012)

I cannot overstate how unhappy I am, and how horrible I feel. I cannot just up and break my family apart. I have one in hs and another in college. My boys think I'm a st. I'm a great decent mother. We have our own business, so we are basically 24/7. He looks at me everyday like a hawk, yet with a microscopic lenz.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Would you happen to have a special "friend" that is in the picture as well?


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

vanessa365 said:


> I cannot overstate how unhappy I am, and how horrible I feel. I cannot just up and break my family apart. I have one in hs and another in college. My boys think I'm a st. I'm a great decent mother. We have our own business, so we are basically 24/7. He looks at me everyday like a hawk, yet with a microscopic lenz.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


It's not your husband that's making you unhappy, it's you. Stay married.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Did something in particular happen 3 years ago to change your attitude about your H?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yes, you must look closely at what happened when your feelings started to change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cagedrat (Jan 12, 2014)

I believe that people go through developmental stages throughout their whole lives. 22 years of marriage and you may not be the same person you were when you were first married. I doubt this has as much to do with loving your husband as it does self love. I don't know how much you do to expand your own interests and provide happiness for yourself through your experiences outside of your husband. If you haven't spent time on your own happiness, now may be the time to do that. As you reconnect with yourself and spend time on endeavors that fulfill you, the love for your husband may begin to resurface. I think what you are going through is normal but you need to address the root of the problem…the first step is identifying that.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The good thing is that at least you are seeing there is a problem. 

Have you had a full medical work up done? Have you had your hormone levels checked? You are at that age where a woman's hormones start to change. 

You may be heading into a midlife crisis but at least you are smart enough and self aware enough to know something isn't right. Please please get yourself looked at before you let your body chemistry dictate your decision making. So many women have gone off the rails and destroyed their marriages and lives because of MLC and bad decision making.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vanessa365 (Aug 17, 2012)

karole said:


> Would you happen to have a special "friend" that is in the picture as well?


I don't have a special friend. Actually I don't have friends, I don't go out at all. I'm either at home or at work.


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## vanessa365 (Aug 17, 2012)

I'm considering divorce, because I think I wanna have a new life. But at the same time, I question myself. I'm scared of making a mistake. I might lose my business, if I brake up my marriage.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

vanessa365 said:


> I'm considering divorce, because I think I wanna have a new life. But at the same time, I question myself. I'm scared of making a mistake. I might lose my business, if I brake up my marriage.


What do you image this new life to be? Can you see your husband with you in this new life?


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

vanessa365 said:


> I'm considering divorce, because I think I wanna have a new life. But at the same time, I question myself. I'm scared of making a mistake. I might lose my business, if I brake up my marriage.


There is a very strong possibility that you are experiencing what SO MANY WOMEN and men are going through. MLC, mortality issues, "is this is all there is to life?" syndrome coupled with hormonal issues that everyone seems to experience at some point It concerns me that you mention the possibility of losing your business ahead of "losing your husband" and the harm it will do to your kids. Marriage is a long term commitment and is not a short term thrill ride. You need to work on self improvement and WORK ON IMPROVING YOUR DEDICATION TO YOUR MARRIAGE, HUSBAND AND KIDS. I believe most people who experience these feelings can sucessfully pop out the other side and will eventually look back on this and say "what the hell was I thinking?" 90% of people who weathered the storm report that they were glad that they stayed the course and actually ended up in a stronger relationship. You are showing signs of selfishness here. I would think twice about bringing this up with your husband before you really figure this out for yourself because once you tell him about these feelings you will likely blindside him and it may destroy him emotionally not to mention what it will do to your kids. You would do well to see a therapist or MD to investigate psychological or medical conditions. DO NOT act on these feelings before finding out their root cause. I wish my spouse would have taken more time/sought out help before destroying my family.......


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## vanessa365 (Aug 17, 2012)

tainted said:


> What do you image this new life to be? Can you see your husband with you in this new life?


No, I can't see myself with him in my new life. 
I know it would hurt him greatly if I left him, he loves me. I think my kids would be very hurt too.

I wish I could live a "normal" life, have friends, make decisions on my own, participate in fun activities. I guess I'm just a coward, and life is passing me by.


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## vanessa365 (Aug 17, 2012)

Betrayedone said:


> "is this is all there is to life?"


This is exactly how I feel, and it really bothers me.

I've made the mistake of telling my husband that I'm not happy, but only because obviously that's how I feel, and if I do leave him, I don't want it to be a surprise. The sad part is now he tries to make me happy. It also angers me that he tries so hard, because it makes it harder for me to leave him.

I really don't want to hurt anyone, my husband or my children.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Right now you are acting selfishly.........Redirect your efforts to FIXING IT!


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Sounds like the classic signs of a MLC to me.

Please, get some counseling before you blow up the lives of your entire family and bring a massive load of pain down onto all of your heads.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

vanessa365 said:


> This is exactly how I feel, and it really bothers me.
> 
> I've made the mistake of telling my husband that I'm not happy, but only because obviously that's how I feel, and if I do leave him, I don't want it to be a surprise. The sad part is now he tries to make me happy. It also angers me that he tries so hard, because it makes it harder for me to leave him.
> 
> I really don't want to hurt anyone, my husband or my children.


If you don't want to hurt your husband and children, don't trash your family. It's crazy to consider destroying your family for no reason.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

You are desperate. 

This might sound facitious, but the problem is you are not happy. Study how to be happy. Things that work (i.e. there is scientific evidence) include:
Keep a private journal
- Monday, Write three things you are grateful for.
- Tuesday, something to look forward to that might realistically happen in the next couple of years.
- Wednesday, write about a good time in life
- Thursday, write a love letter.
- Friday, write three things that went well this week.
You will find this challenging, but that is because you need the practise. 

Meditation/meditative prayer works. Learn how.

Yoga. It does work.

Exercise a few times a week. Ideally, do yoga too.

Try to watch less TV, less internet. You are feeling down, these things will help you feel better. 

There are TED talks on happiness. Look them up. I wish you well.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Amazing how selfish some can be. Did you not take vows and make promises? How about instead of throwing effort into making a "new life" you give a shot at fixing the old one??


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

vanessa365 said:


> No, I can't see myself with him in my new life.
> I know it would hurt him greatly if I left him, he loves me. I think my kids would be very hurt too.
> 
> I wish I could live a "normal" life, have friends, make decisions on my own, participate in fun activities. I guess I'm just a coward, and life is passing me by.




I don't think parents should ever stay together just for their children but what about your son, the one that is 15. Where do you picture him in your new life? 

This does sound like a mid life crisis. You want to run away but you don't know what you're running to. Doesn't that scare you?

I don't think your selfish, just confused and in need of some help.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Not sure if you've said, but how old are you? and at what age did you marry?

-sammy


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You sound very confused, and desperate, and even depressed. 

To me, if I was your doctor, I would set you up for a full blood work and a trip to an endocrinoligist to see if your hormones are whacky. 

Like the previous poster said, please don't make any rash decisions until you get this done. You are wallowing and that is a bad time to make life decisions. 

I'll bet you a steak dinner at Ruth's Chris you are either depressed or going through pre-menopause or full-on menopause.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

vanessa365 said:


> I've been married for 22 years. I've felt horrible for the past 3. My husband is a great person, but I've lost my love for him. I've tried so hard to love him again. I feel like I'm just a robot. Idk if I'm the good person, probably not. We have 2 boys, 20 & 15. He wakes me up with a cup if coffee, and tells me how beautiful I am, what is wrong with me? He never sees my faults and never sets me straight. I wish maybe he'd slap the "right" into me. I'm keeping a lot of things out, because I know you'll all bang on me. Please help me get out of this immense delirious and horrible nightmare!!! He is what every woman wants. But I'm not happy. I've also been drinking a lot, and a few times my children have noticed. I've been to AA, and stopped drinking...somewhat. My life is a nightmare!!!! Please examine me. I'll be truthful, honest, and open. I can't wait to be happy and whole again.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Dear friend, do NOT ever feel alone here Some people will judge you, shame on them. Marriage is a lot of ups and downs, do not give up! It sounds like a lot of us, we are all married for a while, going through the motions and are unsatisfied.This is ok in life, a lot of life is about the same old thing day after day. You are going for the bigger picture. A unit that will last and get through the tough times in life. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You will get through this. Do not do anything drastic, you will regret it. PM me if you want. Hang in there friend.


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## Midlifeturmoil (Dec 30, 2013)

It is good that you have come here Vanessa. You will get a lot of good ideas and suggestions to sort through. If you can put a few of them into action, there is high probability that you can get to a better place. 

I agree that the three-year comment is curious. Can you identify something in your life around that time that could be a contributor?

Have you been to see a counselor or therapist about this awful turmoil you are going through? A professional (one that you are comfortable with) can help you identify the source of your unhappiness. And as others have said, once you do that, you can address it much more effectively.


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## Midlifeturmoil (Dec 30, 2013)

To everyone else: Why isn't/hasn't anyone suggested that her husband needs to read NMMNG...or MMSLP? It just seems to me like if it were Vanessa's husband posting here about the way Vanessa feels about him, that is the kind of advice he would be getting. Maybe he is too nice and trying to more nice her into loving him...more Granted, she probably needs to provide more details.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Hey Vanessa-

I know my wife feels the same about me as you do to your husband... She has always felt this way. We have communicated a lot about this and I know exactly how she feels. For the longest time. I was doing all I could do to make my wife love me more...It didn't work...Now I don't know what to do.

You will hurt your husband.
My confidence is all shot to hell right now...My wife was the one who wanted the open marriage because she doesn't want sex with me...She will to make me happy and sometimes she enjoys it...I just feel like krap knowing she has no interest and not willing to go to MC or see a sex therapist.

I know I will have a sexual relationship outside of marriage just because I want to have sex with a woman who enjoys it. You are right when you said it is over...you will hurt your husband...My heart is a mess...Choose your words carefully when you talk to him...

I do understand what you are going through...

I don't hate my wife...I am not mad at her, and I don't think I am holding on to resentments. .. I am just stuck and i dont want put my daughter through hell with a D....

I will continue to live like a roommate now...not gonna bother with sex anymore....it has become weird...

just be careful with how you open up to your H...I still love my W and i would do anything for her...

I feel your H is the c same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Midlifeturmoil said:


> To everyone else: Why isn't/hasn't anyone suggested that her husband needs to read NMMNG...or MMSLP? It just seems to me like if it were Vanessa's husband posting here about the way Vanessa feels about him, that is the kind of advice he would be getting. Maybe he is too nice and trying to more nice her into loving him...more Granted, she probably needs to provide more details.


I don't buy that. If her husband was being a boorish abusive d!ck he would be getting the blame too. Quit putting this on the husband's shoulders. This has nothing to do with Nice Guy vs Bad Boy. He's being supportive and loving. Doesn't mean he's a doormat or pushover. But it's always the husbands fault isn't it? Married women don't own responsibility for the way they feel do they?

I'm so sick of that double standard mentality. 

This is her problem, one that she needs to turn around and face and not run from.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Midlifeturmoil (Dec 30, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> I don't buy that. If her husband was being a boorish abusive d!ck he would be getting the blame too. Quit putting this on the husband's shoulders. This has nothing to do with Nice Guy vs Bad Boy. He's being supportive and loving. Doesn't mean he's a doormat or pushover. But it's always the husbands fault isn't it. Married women don't own responsibility for the way they feel do they?
> 
> I'm so sick of that double standard mentality.
> 
> ...


Quit putting this all on her shoulders. There are two people in this relationship last time I counted. You don't know all of the dynamics here and neither do I. 

"He's being supportive and loving. Doesn't mean he's a doormat or pushover." Doesn't mean he is perfect either. Nobody said anything about this being the sole responsibility of the husband. My comment suggested that he may be contributing and not know it. Before I came here, I didn't recognize the concept of "too much Mr. Nice Guy" syndrome, which apparently leads to pushing your spouse further away instead of drawing them closer. Don't you think he would like to have that knowledge/information if he really does love her and wants her fire for him to be rekindled? Very high likelihood that they both need help. 

Apparently, you missed the point of my question. In the absence of an A, had he been the one to post about his wife being detached, I don't think too many would be saying "This is her problem, one that she needs to turn around and face and not run from." People would be suggesting steps for him to encourage her to "turn around and face her problem" AND for him to improve himself in a way to help her do that.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Midlifeturmoil said:


> Quit putting this all on her shoulders. There are two people in this relationship last time I counted. You don't know all of the dynamics here and neither do I.
> 
> "He's being supportive and loving. Doesn't mean he's a doormat or pushover." Doesn't mean he is perfect either. Nobody said anything about this being the sole responsibility of the husband. My comment suggested that he may be contributing and not know it. Before I came here, I didn't recognize the concept of "too much Mr. Nice Guy" syndrome, which apparently leads to pushing your spouse further away instead of drawing them closer. Don't you think he would like to have that knowledge/information if he really does love her and wants her fire for him to be rekindled? Very high likelihood that they both need help.
> 
> Apparently, you missed the point of my question. In the absence of an A, had he been the one to post about his wife being detached, I don't think too many would be saying "This is her problem, one that she needs to turn around and face and not run from." People would be suggesting steps for him to encourage her to "turn around and face her problem" AND for him to improve himself in a way to help her do that.


She is saying that her husband is a great person, yet her life is a "nightmare." That says it all right there.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Midlifeturmoil said:


> Quit putting this all on her shoulders. There are two people in this relationship last time I counted. You don't know all of the dynamics here and neither do I.
> 
> "He's being supportive and loving. Doesn't mean he's a doormat or pushover." Doesn't mean he is perfect either. Nobody said anything about this being the sole responsibility of the husband. My comment suggested that he may be contributing and not know it. Before I came here, I didn't recognize the concept of "too much Mr. Nice Guy" syndrome, which apparently leads to pushing your spouse further away instead of drawing them closer. Don't you think he would like to have that knowledge/information if he really does love her and wants her fire for him to be rekindled? Very high likelihood that they both need help.
> 
> Apparently, you missed the point of my question. In the absence of an A, had he been the one to post about his wife being detached, I don't think too many would be saying "This is her problem, one that she needs to turn around and face and not run from." People would be suggesting steps for him to encourage her to "turn around and face her problem" AND for him to improve himself in a way to help her do that.


He can help her by being there for her and giving her emotional support. It sounds like he is already doing this to the best degree he can, and yet she is still unhappy. 

She has to take care of her side of the equation. 

I stand by what I said: he doesn't need to change himself or become a different person. She needs to own up to her problem and get some help instead of harboring thoughts abouth throwing away a perfectly good marriage. 

And the fact that she has dissappeared from her own thread tells me all I need to know about her resolve.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

nothing like a urinating contest :rofl:


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Op,

Maybe you just feel out of love with your husband, it happens you know. You can learn to love him again, but you have to want to. 

-sammy


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Its hard to identify with, but I completely sense that you are being open and honest, OP.

You seem to feel completely responsible and even guilty for what has transpired. You aven't cheated or anything, just are "feeling" out of love. 

This is a tough one, OP. On the one hand, your H is not a bad guy. On the other, you don't feel like you love him.

What about this. What about a nice, romantic getaway and truly inside giving him a few hints and honestly giving him a chance?

He doesn't have a chance - unless you give him one. 

NOT getting on you, btw. In fact, I applaud you for exposing yourself to ridicule by being so open.

Let me put it this way; there WAS a spark once. Give THAT feeling - that heart flutter - a chance to re-kindle. He isn't being a bad guy (from what I can see), so I think he deserves a chance.

Probably none of what I've said makes sense...


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

vanessa365 said:


> I don't have a special friend. Actually I don't have friends, I don't go out at all. I'm either at home or at work.


Everyone NEEDS down time!! Down time might just make you the happy person that you know you are inside!!

PLEASE guard against becoming jaded. Believe me - I know!

Life's circumstances can kck you to the ground and step on your throat. DON'T let that happen!! It is difficult to "get over", so better not to let it happen to begin with!


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

vanessa365 said:


> I don't have a special friend. Actually I don't have friends, I don't go out at all. I'm either at home or at work.


This is bad!

My wife was like this! My jealousy and possessiveness did not help.

Now she says one of the reasons she walked out is her life became mundane, work, clean, work, gym, work play ...

I,tried,to,get her to make more she never did

Please get your own life it will save your marriage.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

This screams other man or interest in other man. I'm stil wondering if my wife is in love with me for XYZ reasons. Or is she just in it because its good enough and its the "right" place to be. You are probably my wife in a few years. 

My one bit of advice would be to act now rather than drag it out. Myself and your husband deserve a shot at a happy life with a new partener, and this shouldnt be on hold for 5 years while you waiver between what to do. 

My biggest fear (and i've read this elsewhere here) is not that my wife will leave, but how. Will I be dooped for 7 years then she'll leave? Will i finance an affair? etc etc. Just snap it off sooner, rather than later. Thats all I'd ask if I were your husband.


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

Oh no, I feel so horrible for your poor husband. He sounds like a great person that truly loves you and cherishes you. You on the other hand, I also feel sorry for having those feelings about your marriage. Get some help, seriously. I'm by far no expert in being married for as long as you have nor do I know what that might feel like but please don't do anything you will REGRET. Wouldn't you feel bad if you let your husband go and some other woman snatched him up? 

And your children! Think of the harm this might cause them. Oh lord, I can't tell you to stay or go but everyone always says that the grass is not always greener on the other side but if you are willing to take that chance to find out, I hope your husband will not consider taking you back. He deserves better.


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