# How much space???



## Skuba (Aug 29, 2010)

My wife told me two weeks ago that she wasnt happy with our marriage. No cheating, never even had an argument in our entire marriage. Of course, untill she told me she was going to her moms to think about things. It seems that everything was my fault. I injured my back a couple years ago and have been going through every kind of shots, stimulation implants, physical therapy, even psychological exams. As well as countless different types of pain management perscrips. All of that started adding up on me emotionally everytime something didnt help with the pain, and I began falling into depression and losing all physical drive. Not just losing the drive, but knowing how much it would hurt to do anything. Well, I was feeling so sorry for myself that I didnt even realize how much of a toll it was taking on my wife. Since she left, I woke up. I quit taking the pills, and after just one day, the drive was back and crazier than ever. We got together a couple days after she left, but after, she just wanted to be alone again. Im in more pain now, but there are no more procedures scheduled, Im off the pills, so even with the pain, I feel like im back to being myself. She says she sees it but I guess she doesnt believe that I wont let it happen again. Ive never wanted to let her down, and seeing how much I did, I could never let that happen again. But I just need to know how much time does someone need to figure things out. Its so hard to just sit here and wonder if she is getting closer to coming home, or if each day, she is getting farther away. It has only been two weeks, the longest, hardest two weeks of my life, but how long can these things take? I just need to know what I can expect. She has a pretty demanding job, so it might take her longer to get a chance to think about it. But I just need some perspective. THANKS


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Yes, I can tell you how much space is enough.

And that is zero.

When a woman is saying she needs space, she is really saying I am wanting to let you down easy instead to crush you all at once.

These issues in your relationship, they are needing to be addressed. 

And if you are inclined to think you want to get your woman back, you are needing to take the leadership and action to address them.

So for your benefit, and the benefit of any other good man reading this, understand this, if you are okay with giving your woman "space" and leaving your woman alone to "think" or because she is "confused" or "undecided", then let me save you the trouble and worry to let you know her answer today.

Her answer will be to leave you in the dust.

For this is nothing but the truth, the woman will love the man that fights for her, and the woman will resent the man that does not fight for her.

So for advice, these things:

1. There are red flags in your post that say to me to look for the affair, in this case an emotional affair. For if your woman is suddenly turned off emotoinally to you like a lightswitch, instead of over time, and also wanting "space", there is usually some reason to abandon the relationship so suddenly and absolutely. You say your woman has a demanding job, so are you sure in this demanding is all job related and not the excuse to be in the company of some affair man? At the least, I would be most concerned there is the male coworker she started to share her marriage concerns with and lo and behold is now the emotoinal fullfillment she is craving.

So as always in these things if there is any affair man in the picture, he must be exposed and removed, else there is nothing else going to move forward except for seperation and divorce. For a woman is going to be emotionally connected to only one man at a time, and if that man is not you then take it to the bank some affair man is either just around the corner or already present.

2. And when the affair man is out of the picture, or if there is really no affair yet, then the next steps are in order, which is in your own leadership get yourself together sure, but also from your own initiatve schedule counciling and tell your woman where and when it is. Even is she is not going, go yourself. 

And to set up some timetable, say three months of marriage councelling together, and then both of you will evaluate the relationship together and make a decision together, to set a goal so that together there is a firm plan of action. 

Also this does not leave the ball only in her court to reconcile or leave, giving her all the control and leaving you only sitting on the sideliness looking weak, instead show that you respect yourself enough to insist that you also are going to have a say so in your own relationship! 

This is putting action behind the words. 

Do not think ever a woman will want to hear "Honey I promise I'll be a better man" unless it is backed up by his action and behavior.

As well it is good that you are addressing the depression and effects of the pills (so much as it would be in your control and not medically required). But that is for you and your doctor to determine of course. If there are trust issues surrounding the medication, insists that your woman come with you to your appointments, and be perfectly open with the prescriptions and use, so that in the transparency your woman can rebuild trust, knowing the situation and being a part of it, rather than only looking in from the outside.


So in the nutshell, all this, is not never sit back and wait, but first look for and eliminate the emotion affairs or worse, then take the initiative and actions from your own leadership to put the relationship back to where it needs to be.

I wish you well.





Skuba said:


> My wife told me two weeks ago that she wasnt happy with our marriage. No cheating, never even had an argument in our entire marriage. Of course, untill she told me she was going to her moms to think about things. It seems that everything was my fault. I injured my back a couple years ago and have been going through every kind of shots, stimulation implants, physical therapy, even psychological exams. As well as countless different types of pain management perscrips. All of that started adding up on me emotionally everytime something didnt help with the pain, and I began falling into depression and losing all physical drive. Not just losing the drive, but knowing how much it would hurt to do anything. Well, I was feeling so sorry for myself that I didnt even realize how much of a toll it was taking on my wife. Since she left, I woke up. I quit taking the pills, and after just one day, the drive was back and crazier than ever. We got together a couple days after she left, but after, she just wanted to be alone again. Im in more pain now, but there are no more procedures scheduled, Im off the pills, so even with the pain, I feel like im back to being myself. She says she sees it but I guess she doesnt believe that I wont let it happen again. Ive never wanted to let her down, and seeing how much I did, I could never let that happen again. But I just need to know how much time does someone need to figure things out. Its so hard to just sit here and wonder if she is getting closer to coming home, or if each day, she is getting farther away. It has only been two weeks, the longest, hardest two weeks of my life, but how long can these things take? I just need to know what I can expect. She has a pretty demanding job, so it might take her longer to get a chance to think about it. But I just need some perspective. THANKS


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## Skuba (Aug 29, 2010)

Well, since I stopped with the pills, and the procedures that really took a toll on myself, I havent been able to sit still. I started going out to lunch again, or out with a friend for a drink. I luckily have a lot a good friends that are always there for me. But, of course there are some that just want to get me drunk and thats just not me to go out and get drunk every night. Now she has seen and heard that I have been doing so much better mentally and physically. Like I said, I hurt a lot more, but I at least have gained controll of my body and I dont have that feeling of just laying around all day like I did when I was on all those pain meds. The problem is that instead of seeing that and realizing that Im doing everything to get myself back to who shes been needing, she got mad at me for doing things now, after I haddnt done anything with her for so long. I dont get it because I told her that walking out was a wake up call for me and I went back in my head to where I started getting like this and realized that the pills had to be a big part of what happend. So she knows that I stopped the pills and that it changed me completely in a matter of just 24 hours. I dont think she either believes that being on strong pain meds could have that much effect on me and that maybe I wanted to just sit around all the time and didnt want to do things with her, or she just doesnt believe that I will keep it up. I dont know which. I dont know if its something else. But dont anybody reading this think for one second Im not fighting for her. Im letting her have her space, but only to a certain extent. Not a day goes by that I dont make sure she sees what Im doing to get myself back, and how hard Im trying. I dont want her to just hear what Im saying, I want her to see it and hope to God that she believes it. Im not giving up, Im never going to stop fighting for her untill I have to sign the papers. Luckily, she hasnt gone that far. Yet. We have gone through the whole question of, is there someone else, has there been someone else or if she is thinking that maybe there will be someone else. I said that she is the one talking about ending it, and when she last got upset at me for not really giving her the space she needed, I told that it would make things easier for me to let go if there was someone else. She got more upset, even offended at the question. I have known her for much longer than our entire relationship and I seen her in many situations in bad relationships, long term and short term relationships, where I dont think many people, man or woman, wouldnt have cheated or at least confided in someone else, and she never did. Not even a thought. That was one of the many things I admired about her long before we even started dating. Of course, I had these thoughts running through my head when she wanted to leave, but after thinking about it, talking to her about it, even at one point hoping that was the case, I dont really think it even a consideration.


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