# Just a vent about married life.. advice and opinions wanted



## Ryanm1992 (Jan 1, 2021)

Hey im new so tgis is my first post so id love to see some support, opinions advice ect.

So i got married last year, 7th march and it was great couldnt of gone better.. anyway im not going to say its all gone down hill because it hasnt but our sex life has plumited.. we will literally have sex once or twice a month? Which to me is completley shocking. My wife works nights which i totally agree that shes tired but on her days off.. nothing.. even on her birthday i said to her shall we have sex tonight she said yes then come to bed time she just rolls over and goes to sleep? Ive asked her in the past if she still feels the same way as she did when we got together and she says yes but to me it doesnt feel that way. I feel like if she said to me shal we have sex i would within a heart beat but if i said it there is a 80% chance she would say no.. im not a sex addict. Im one of those people that would appriciate sex every now and then just to keep things alive but **** me if i knew my sex life would be this low after getting married i probably wouldnt of got married.. i dont mean to sound shallow by saying that but im a strong believer that sex plays a masive part in a happy and healthy marrige.


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

Get counseling. This is a bigger issue than most people can resolve. Check around do due diligence in finding a counselor. Some are useless and just will be friendly sponges that suck up time but don't help. Before kids she herself should be wanting sex several times per week. This point in time she's married without kids and she should be happy for happytime. Maybe its not you but something else.

Pro tip: its good to be masculine. She wants a man not a friend. Give direction in your marriage.


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## Ryanm1992 (Jan 1, 2021)

Sorry i did forget to mention that we do have 2 kids together. The thing is if i suggest counceling to her she would be in denial and say we dont need it .. before the wedding if we ever fell out she would want sex, she would be effectionate , she would be wife material but now were married its asif she doesnt have anything to work for anymore so she doesnt bother. When you say be masculine and give direction in my marrage can you give some examples?


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

You need to get a counselor. If she complains tell her its essential for yoh both to be happy and she has a very real personal concern that you be happy.


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## matador1958 (Oct 24, 2017)

Ryanm1992 said:


> Hey im new so tgis is my first post so id love to see some support, opinions advice ect.
> 
> So i got married last year, 7th march and it was great couldnt of gone better.. anyway im not going to say its all gone down hill because it hasnt but our sex life has plumited.. we will literally have sex once or twice a month? Which to me is completley shocking. My wife works nights which i totally agree that shes tired but on her days off.. nothing.. even on her birthday i said to her shall we have sex tonight she said yes then come to bed time she just rolls over and goes to sleep? Ive asked her in the past if she still feels the same way as she did when we got together and she says yes but to me it doesnt feel that way. I feel like if she said to me shal we have sex i would within a heart beat but if i said it there is a 80% chance she would say no.. im not a sex addict. Im one of those people that would appriciate sex every now and then just to keep things alive but **** me if i knew my sex life would be this low after getting married i probably wouldnt of got married.. i dont mean to sound shallow by saying that but im a strong believer that sex plays a masive part in a happy and healthy marrige.


What The Mighty Fred said. Yours is not just a rant, it is a timely call for help, and you ar win a great place to nip this in the bud. I let my wife go off sex out of misplaced considerateness, and now it's too late. But she had issues that you new wife doesn't. My wife found out she couldn't have kids and it so happens that was really the only reason she married me. You have a chance to "be masculine", which means take the pressure off her and seduce her. Most women want to be seduced. some more than others, and what's more to the point, you owe it to yourself.


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

About being masculine I see a marriage like a sailing ship. It must have a direction. You're the captain, buddy, whether you know it or not. Most women expect this even if they say nothing. Its biological even if a woman verbally denies it, most women want a man to wear the pants in a relationship. 

Fwiw, this weekend my family is going to a cabin in the woods to disconnect and talk about our goals for the year. You might want to do something like this with your priorities.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Ryanm1992 said:


> Sorry i did forget to mention that we do have 2 kids together. The thing is if i suggest counceling to her she would be in denial and say we dont need it .. before the wedding if we ever fell out she would want sex, she would be effectionate , she would be wife material but now were married its asif she doesnt have anything to work for anymore so she doesnt bother. When you say be masculine and give direction in my marrage can you give some examples?


How old are the kids?


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## Ryanm1992 (Jan 1, 2021)

Livvie said:


> How old are the kids?


4 and 6 both boys.. i do love my kids but having 2 kids has put me off having any more but she has even told me she would like another one but i told her i dont want anymore.. as i said she works nights and i work days so on weekends i have to look after the kids while shes in bed and its very hard and stressfull for me to have to keep them quiet and entertained. We have had a few arguments about work because to me its not working her working nights and expecting to have a full days sleep and not getting woke up by the sound of kids screaming, laughing, fighting or me shouting at the kids. Ive asked her to see if she can work part time through the day so shes not always tired ect but she says no i dont want to work part time i want to work full time so i cant win 🤷‍♂️


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

I envy that you can have more kids. Would've liked 4. Married too late for that. One suggestion I can make is be ok m sure you've thought of+--- get her working days. 

Coincidentally I ran into the newly-married daughter of an old band mate of mine. Nice guy,etc but sadly they have the same off-on schedule going.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You and your wife should buy the book His Needs Her Needs and read it. Do the exercises therein. Also consider a sex therapist.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

The Mighty Fred said:


> About being masculine I see a marriage like a sailing ship. It must have a direction. You're the captain, buddy, whether you know it or not. Most women expect this even if they say nothing. Its biological even if a woman verbally denies it, most women want a man to wear the pants in a relationship.
> 
> Fwiw, this weekend my family is going to a cabin in the woods to disconnect and talk about our goals for the year. You might want to do something like this with your priorities.


This is true, but remember "wear the pants" doesn't mean boss around, it means lead, set the tone. It also means provide, financially, physically and emotionally. 

She can't get the same job during the day somewhere else? What does she do?


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## Ryanm1992 (Jan 1, 2021)

sokillme said:


> This is true, but remember "wear the pants" doesn't mean boss around, it means lead, set the tone. It also means provide, financially, physically and emotionally.
> 
> She can't get the same job during the day somewhere else? What does she do?


She says she works night because thats all she can do with my hours of work but ghen when i said it would be better if she worked part time somewhere she said she wants to work full time because she would go out of her mind on part time hours been at home when shes not working.. but surly thats better then working and been tired all the time? I just cant get my head around the fact that im saying id prefer it if you work part time and shes saying no?


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Look, I really don’t want to be the first to say this, but I am surprised no one else raised it yet. Is there a possibility that your wife is seeing someone else and has formed an emotional or physical relationship with them?

The reason I ask is that regularity of sex has plummeted for no apparent reason, you have said you do not think she feels the way she did when you first got married and, perhaps most tellingly, her refusal to even consider changing her job which puts a strain on the relationship. This refusal is backed up with some pretty tame reasons/excuses. I am not suggesting, by the way, that a wife has to automatically be the one to change!

I do, desperately, hope that there is nothing to worry about but the above have been red flags in other threads. I always question changes in behaviour and look for the reasons behind those changes to identify what the actual problem is. Have there been any other changes in behaviour, any secrecy on social media, anyone’s name starting to crop up more than before?

I debated long and hard about posting this and do not want to stoke any doubts or problems in your marriage*. I hope you are in a position to read this and instantly dismiss it. *Sorry, and want to be proven wrong to even suggest it.

Maybe other posters can give their perspective and I am more than happy to be shot down in flames.


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

I'd tend to shoot Harold down. But best consider it. Women's sex drives can go all over the map. Different schedules means, frankly, differences in the time of day you and she are horny. Nice to be blunt. Women aren't horny when they are tired.

Me, I think our society should build jobs for men that provide for a family, so the woman can run the household, neighborhood, school management and many community affairs. Am I atavistic? Nah, I've run into many women my age who regret blowing time on careers instead of what they consider the important things in life.


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## Ryanm1992 (Jan 1, 2021)

Harold Demure said:


> Look, I really don’t want to be the first to say this, but I am surprised no one else raised it yet. Is there a possibility that your wife is seeing someone else and has formed an emotional or physical relationship with them?
> 
> The reason I ask is that regularity of sex has plummeted for no apparent reason, you have said you do not think she feels the way she did when you first got married and, perhaps most tellingly, her refusal to even consider changing her job which puts a strain on the relationship. This refusal is backed up with some pretty tame reasons/excuses. I am not suggesting, by the way, that a wife has to automatically be the one to change!
> 
> ...


I have challanged her on many occasions about this and she is addoment she isnt seeing someone else.. dont worry about raising that possability because we have had many talks about that..the last time i raised that she explained that she wouldnt do that, that she wouldnt of married me if she had eyes for some one else ect. I cant accuse her for doing that if i have no proof. So i dissmissed that idea.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

For starters, I would recommend an alternative method of seduction to this: "_i said to her shall we have sex tonight_".


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

Enigma32 said:


> For starters, I would recommend an alternative method of seduction to this: "_i said to her shall we have sex tonight_".


Exactly. If she's not dog-tired, just take her roughly. She might like the surprise.


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## Ryanm1992 (Jan 1, 2021)

Enigma32 said:


> For starters, I would recommend an alternative method of seduction to this: "_i said to her shall we have sex tonight_".


Hahaha no its not like that its in a joking way its just how we are with each other


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The Mighty Fred said:


> I'd tend to shoot Harold down. But best consider it. Women's sex drives can go all over the map. Different schedules means, frankly, differences in the time of day you and she are horny. Nice to be blunt. Women aren't horny when they are tired.
> 
> Me, I think our society should build jobs for men that provide for a family, so the woman can run the household, neighborhood, school management and many community affairs. Am I atavistic? Nah, I've run into many women my age who regret blowing time on careers instead of what they consider the important things in life.


Yeah... This is SUPER OFFENSIVE.

Super offensive. Society should build jobs for MEN so the women can run the household?

Barf. Gag. Seriously. Not every woman is married. Not every woman who is married wants to "stay home and run the household. Didn't we leave that crap in the 50s? What a way to devalue the intelligence and contributions of women to the WORLD.

Seriously, how incredibly disappointing and offensive to read this.

Blowing time on careers?

Women who have been innovators and leaders, in every single important field in the world would laugh in your face.


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

Relax Livvie, settle down. It's the case that not every man wants to get married. And a bit of reading research shows you that many, many women LIKE MUCH the standard family idea. The whole "50s crap" you cite was a demographic aberrance, and, truthfully, that criticism is just based on some old crap TV shows.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The Mighty Fred said:


> Relax Livvie, settle down. It's the case that not every man wants to get married. And a bit of reading research shows you that many, many women LIKE MUCH the standard family idea. The whole "50s crap" you cite was a demographic aberrance, and, truthfully, that criticism is just based on some old crap TV shows.


Wow you are so out of touch with the real world I can't even wrap my head around it. 

Do you work a professional job?

Go into any professional workplace and talk to any of the females there. In fact, you many just find that the leaders in many a professional workplace are female.


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

Yes, talk to them. Ask them what they really want. You'd be quite surprised, especially if they've been working for some time and have children. I don't know where you're at, but this is pretty common in my area.

I'm talking policy. Policy applies generally. Certainly there are individuals that don't want this personally, but may even believe its good generally. There is a lot more to this subject than you might suspect!


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

The Mighty Fred said:


> Relax Livvie, settle down. It's the case that not every man wants to get married. And a bit of reading research shows you that many, many women LIKE MUCH the standard family idea. The whole "50s crap" you cite was a demographic aberrance, and, truthfully, that criticism is just based on some old crap TV shows.


@Livvie should relax?

Dude your post was disgusting. 

And I'm a guy by the way.


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

You have free speech in America and the freedom to have your opinion! good for ya


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Are the children yours biologically or are they someone else’s?


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

The switch in sex drive immediately after the wedding is strongly reminiscent of my marriage. Could be a lot of things. In my case it was years of frustration. Finally got the answer in her diagnosis of BPD.

Not saying at all that your wife displays much, but might be worth doing some reading on it.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

You said you've only been married a year.
Are these children yours or not?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Harold Demure said:


> The reason I ask is that regularity of sex has plummeted for no apparent reason


No apparent reason? What about two boys, 4 and 6, and working nights? This would **** anybody...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> No apparent reason? What about two boys, 4 and 6, and working nights? This would **** anybody...


But she doesn't want to change her work schedule, doesn't want to work part time.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> But she doesn't want to change her work schedule, doesn't want to work part time.


Because she is going to go crazy looking after the kids even more...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ryanm1992 said:


> Sorry i did forget to mention that we do have 2 kids together. The thing is if i suggest counceling to her she would be in denial and say we dont need it .. before the wedding if we ever fell out she would want sex, she would be effectionate , she would be wife material but now were married its asif she doesnt have anything to work for anymore so she doesnt bother. When you say be masculine and give direction in my marrage can you give some examples?


So you have already lived together for many years and the initial new relationship sexual frenzy has died.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> But she doesn't want to change her work schedule, doesn't want to work part time.


He des she manage to sleep during the day with 2 small children around?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

How long did you date before you married? You mentioned if you were not satisfied before marriage she would then become more affectionate. That statement leads me to question what she wanted. Did she have a goal in mind for commitment and once that happened she relaxed thinking that she did not have to try to please? 

Have you continued to be flirty and loving towards her without sex connected to the flirts? Have you continued to to date one another and make time for yourself and trying new things together? Very important in order to keep a marriage going. 

I do also question her reasoning for working part-time so she would not have to work nights. You said it would drive her nuts to work part-time. Sounds to me almost like she is wanting a break from her responsibilities and that is why she works nights. Could she be over-whelmed? 

Definitely baby #3 is not a good idea at this point. She is getting something she needs by wanting to have another child and that is why she seeks this.

Do dot ask your wife if she wants to have sex. That is a turn off. touch her, career her, kiss her, hug her on a regular basic (not just during sex). Let her know you love her. Surprise her with a date you have set up. Get her into the mood. You might not need that but she does. When you were dating what methods did you use that peeked her interest in sex?


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

In Absentia, of course I take your point that looking after two young children and working nights would shatter anyone. However, my point is that this fall off in sex appears to have only happened recently and is a change in behaviour. The OP says that their sex life before their marriage some 9 - 10 months ago was significantly better and his wife would still want sex after arguments etc. If anything, the children would have been younger pre-marriage and that is when one would probably expect having any form of sex life would be more difficult, as any parents can confirm.

For me, there are still a number of red flags here. The OP says they have discussed possible affairs before and his wife has given verbal assurances there is no one else. I always think these verbal assurances aren’t worth the paper they are written on but I am pleased that the OP does not have any concerns on this front.

Diana 7, a good question on how she sleeps. A further question may be why would you want to carry on living like that?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The Mighty Fred said:


> Exactly. If she's not dog-tired, just take her roughly. She might like the surprise.


and she might not.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

The Mighty Fred said:


> I'd tend to shoot Harold down. But best consider it. Women's sex drives can go all over the map. Different schedules means, frankly, differences in the time of day you and she are horny. Nice to be blunt. Women aren't horny when they are tired.
> 
> Me, I think our society should build jobs for men that provide for a family, so the woman can run the household, neighborhood, school management and many community affairs. Am I atavistic? Nah, I've run into many women my age who regret blowing time on careers instead of what they consider the important things in life.


There are also many women who gave their lives to their families, only to find themselves without skills and their own money, dependent on husband for everything. Lucky if husband is a good guy, but it is not always a case. 
we already had society build around women ruining households -last couple thousand years. Nice theory, but making half of the population dependent. 
my lesson for my girls: always make sure you can make your own living.
Sorry for thread highjack


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Harold Demure said:


> The OP says that their sex life before their marriage some 9 - 10 months ago was significantly better and his wife would still want sex after arguments etc. If anything, the children would have been younger pre-marriage and that is when one would probably expect having any form of sex life would be more difficult, as any parents can confirm.


Maybe now she is completely exhausted...


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> and she might not.


And that is the risk that the sexual initiator (often the man) takes every time they initiate sexual intimacy. That risk takes an emotional toll when rejection rates are high and it can lead to resentment and damage to the marriage. Many women who have "responsive desire" or do not initiate have little idea about this it seems.

When things aren't working in a relationship sexual initiation is usually fraught with pitfalls. If a woman is getting offended simply because her husband is making bids for sexual intimacy (as opposed to persisting with non-consensual behaviour after being told "no"), then they need to realise that their relationship is in crisis.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> There are also many women who gave their lives to their families, only to find themselves without skills and their own money, dependent on husband for everything. Lucky if husband is a good guy, but it is not always a case.
> we already had society build around women ruining households -last couple thousand years. Nice theory, but making half of the population dependent.
> my lesson for my girls: always make sure you can make your own living.
> Sorry for thread highjack


My advice to young men always make sure your wife can make her own living. If she decides to leave you one day you won't have to support her for the rest of her life. Besides with how fragile marriage is today, as well as how narcissistic people are, financially supporting someone for long periods of time seems to just makes them entitled and out of touch with reality. I say that for both men and women. 

It makes sense for short amount of time when kids are young but society isn't really set up for long term anymore. Besides if you both work you can both retire sooner.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So who are her friends on this overnight job? Any very close ones in particular? How long did you date? Are the kids yours?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

To the OP- @Ryanm1992 - go a google for the Ted Talk "The Sex Starved Marriage." Watch it yourself first, see if there's anything you can relate to (there will be) and then watch it with your wife. Neither one of you may have any idea of the path you're heading down. This will at least start a serious conversation. A much better conversation than going down the path that there's another guy she's seeing. You need to build upon communication and trust, which have gotten you by so far. You also need to have the conversation about privacy and boundaries, if you hadn't before. You're still at a place where you can make huge differences in your future happiness together. Don't waste this opportunity. Do not become complacent.

And remembers, questions are more important than answers. It's not the what, it's the why.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sokillme said:


> My advice to young men always make sure your wife can make her own living. If she decides to leave you one day you won't have to support her for the rest of her life. Besides with how fragile marriage is today, as well as how narcissistic people are, financially supporting someone for long periods of time seems to just makes them entitled and out of touch with reality. I say that for both men and women.
> 
> It makes sense for short amount of time when kids are young but society isn't really set up for long term anymore. Besides if you both work you can both retire sooner.


In many marriages its agreed that one will be the main earner and one will care for the children and home. I never once left my children in nurseries or with childminders, I was always there for them. When I did have to get part time work due to not having enough money, I got work that fitted in with them, so that they werent put into childcare. 2 of my children had chronic heath conditions as children, they were often off school with one thing or another and I had no family nearby to ask to have them. They were far too small to leave on their own especially if they were ill. Not once have I ever regretted doing this, and not having my own money, they came first always. Apart from that in both my marriages we never saw money as his or mine, but as ours. We both had jobs and his was paid and mine was unpaid.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its interesting that some think that there is no advantage for men to get married, because its been shown that married men are healthier and live longer than those who arent.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

What are her hours and days she works? Who makes more money? 

Do you always initiate sex by asking for it? Because this is a huge turn off for me. Do you ever just physically initiate? When you asked her the other day she said yes, then when in bed she rolled over and went to sleep... why not make a move? 

How often did you have sex before you were married? Did she ever initiate? 

You should talk to her about what her ideal amount of sex she would realistically like to have. Because maybe she wants a better more frequent sex life but something is getting in the way of it. or maybe she is happy with 3x a month.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

sokillme said:


> My advice to young men always make sure your wife can make her own living. If she decides to leave you one day you won't have to support her for the rest of her life. Besides with how fragile marriage is today, as well as how narcissistic people are, financially supporting someone for long periods of time seems to just makes them entitled and out of touch with reality. I say that for both men and women.
> 
> It makes sense for short amount of time when kids are young but society isn't really set up for long term anymore. Besides if you both work you can both retire sooner.


I agree. I also know guys who don’t want their wives to work, even if they say they do. They like having everything done and not to have to participate in everyday chores or childcare. They sabotage every time wife is getting somewhere in her efforts, because they really want her to be dependent on them so she can not leave them even if she should. The one tgat succeded in going back to work ended up in divorce because her husband wants the wife from the 50s.
So, this is not black and white with that alimony.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> I agree. I also know guys who don’t want their wives to work, even if they say they do. They like having everything done and not to have to participate in everyday chores or childcare. They sabotage every time wife is getting somewhere in her efforts, because they really want her to be dependent on them so she can not leave them even if she should. The one tgat succeded in going back to work ended up in divorce because her husband wants the wife from the 50s.
> So, this is not black and white with that alimony.


The whole idea of hoping the spouse won't leave is stupid anyway, they still leave and you are forced to continue to pay for them. But no one said the people who think like this are forward thinking. Besides this is all going to change in 10 years anyway as women start to make as much as men. It's already happening. Alimony isn't a gendered issue anyway and the more that becomes clear the sooner it will go away. It's an outdated notion in the 21st century. At least not long term and lifetime. 

The chores thing should also be a non-starter anyway. If you wife (or husband for that matter) starts to work and you don't want to do chores use the extra money to pay someone to o the chores. Problem solved, and you are still future proofing yourself. 

Bottom line - man or women - you need to understand the risk you are taking when you are a one income family. Again if you are in the position to do that, then I suggest the wiser choice you both still work an use the extra money to allow you both to retire earlier.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Its interesting that some think that there is no advantage for men to get married, because its been shown that married men are healthier and live longer than those who arent.


This is in part because divorced men tend to off themselves after their ex wife ruined their lives.

Divorce Is a Risk Factor for Suicide, Especially for Men


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Its interesting that some think that there is no advantage for men to get married, because its been shown that married men are healthier and live longer than those who arent.


Is there an advantage for women to get married? (No cracks for the jaded please.) I am curious. I suspect the live longer thing is the case for both men and women and the economics of it is probably the biggest benefit. We also so a ****ty job of raising boys to be self sufficient. I am not sure that reflects well on marriage as much as it reflects poorly on parenting. Men are not raised to take care of their health for instance and instead they eat crap food. 

I say all that being pro marriage by the way.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

sokillme said:


> The whole idea of hoping the spouse won't leave is stupid anyway, they still leave and you are forced to continue to pay for them. But no one said the people who think like this are forward thinking. Besides this is all going to change in 10 years anyway as women start to make as much as men. It's already happening. Alimony isn't a gendered issue anyway and the more that becomes clear the sooner it will go away. It's an outdated notion in the 21st century. At least not long term and lifetime.
> 
> The chores thing should also be a non-starter anyway. If you wife (or husband for that matter) starts to work and you don't want to do chores use the extra money to pay someone to o the chores. Problem solved, and you are still future proofing yourself.
> 
> Bottom line - man or women - you need to understand the risk you are taking when you are a one income family. Again if you are in the position to do that, then I suggest the wiser choice you both still work an use the extra money to allow you both to retire earlier.


Oh, I know all that. But you overestimate general population


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Enigma32 said:


> This is in part because divorced men tend to off themselves after their ex wife ruined their lives.
> 
> Divorce Is a Risk Factor for Suicide, Especially for Men


I believe this is for two reasons. The culture teaches men to romanticize women particularly their woman WAY TOO MUCH. They are not irreplaceable angles, or the path to eternal happiness like the songs we sing, and the movies we watch. And frankly Men have been raised to suppress their emotions and not ask for help. Which creates emotionally fragile man. 

Not to mention that the laws and some people have not caught up to reality and still treat women like it's the 50s still. So depending if you get a regressive judge for instance you might be stuck paying alimony for a perfectly capable human being for decades. That's stupid and unfair.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> Oh, I know all that. But you overestimate general population


Agreed. If anything this whole Coved thing has taught me anything it's that I am convinced half the population is just incapable of thinking long term an understanding actions have consequences. I don't even think it's willful I just think they are not smart enough to understand. Which goes a long way to explain the state of the world.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Agreed. If anything this whole Coved thing has taught me anything it's that I am convinced half the population is just incapable of thinking long term an understanding actions have consequences. I don't even think it's willful I just think they are not smart enough to understand. Which goes a long way to explain the state of the world.


The average IQ is 90 and 50% of population is below that number. 
but it’s not just about smarts, also about emotional capabilities


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Enigma32 said:


> This is in part because divorced men tend to off themselves after their ex wife ruined their lives.
> 
> Divorce Is a Risk Factor for Suicide, Especially for Men


All the divorced men I know have remarried, including my husband.


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> There are also many women who gave their lives to their families, only to find themselves without skills and their own money, dependent on husband for everything. Lucky if husband is a good guy, but it is not always a case.
> we already had society build around women ruining households -last couple thousand years. Nice theory, but making half of the population dependent.
> my lesson for my girls: always make sure you can make your own living.
> Sorry for thread highjack



I can relate to this. But stats make me worried about the development and quality of families.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ryanm1992 said:


> I have challanged her on many occasions about this and she is addoment she isnt seeing someone else.. dont worry about raising that possability because we have had many talks about that..the last time i raised that she explained that she wouldnt do that, that she wouldnt of married me if she had eyes for some one else ect. I cant accuse her for doing that if i have no proof. So i dissmissed that idea.


I do not think she is seeing someone else but it may be a matter of self-fullfillment for her and not giving up a career she studied and worked for. I think it is telling that you want her to work less and become more dependent on you financially so that you can get more sex. You present it as if you care about her working too hard and being tired etc but your motivation is very transparent. How much do you actually love your wife and really care for her and her desires and objectives for her own life? If a husband puts himself and his needs first then the wife will not be inclined to sleep with him. So maybe you have some self reflection to do, as i said, get the book His Needs/Her needs


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ryanm1992 said:


> I have challanged her on many occasions about this and she is addoment she isnt seeing someone else.. dont worry about raising that possability because we have had many talks about that..the last time i raised that she explained that she wouldnt do that, that she wouldnt of married me if she had eyes for some one else ect. I cant accuse her for doing that if i have no proof. So i dissmissed that idea.


Constant accusations of infidelity do little to raise a woman's libido also, I think you need to up your game and woo her instead of whining, accusing, etc.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Its interesting that some think that there is no advantage for men to get married, because its been shown that married men are healthier and live longer than those who arent.


True! I think too it is sad that so many jump to just divorce rather than work out the issue. Divorce means leaving your children, children will eventually have step parents, there will be sharing of holidays, child support, half and step siblings, many times lack of acceptance of your children and of the second spouse by the new partner's family. It is to a couple's advantage to take any steps needed to try and work thru their issues whether that is reading books, having open honest conversations, going to counseling. learn to get to know each other all over again. A great book for understanding each other needs is "5 Love Languages." Even if you did not want to read the whole book you can take the test online for free and find out what is important to you. We each speak our own language and many times we are unaware what the other person find important to them.

My ex (married 24 years) would buy me all kinds of nice expensive gifts which was real sweet but more than a necklace I wanted his time.....time to spend together doing whatever but he had solo interests and without that quality time together (among other issues) we drifted apart.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Enigma32 said:


> This is in part because divorced men tend to off themselves after their ex wife ruined their lives.
> 
> No one else should pay the price for what happened in a different relationship.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

AGoodFlogging said:


> And that is the risk that the sexual initiator (often the man) takes every time they initiate sexual intimacy. That risk takes an emotional toll when rejection rates are high and it can lead to resentment and damage to the marriage. Many women who have "responsive desire" or do not initiate have little idea about this it seems.
> 
> When things aren't working in a relationship sexual initiation is usually fraught with pitfalls. If a woman is getting offended simply because her husband is making bids for sexual intimacy (as opposed to persisting with non-consensual behaviour after being told "no"), then they need to realise that their relationship is in crisis.


This does go both ways however. IN some cases it is the women initiating and going without. I can raise my hand to this one and tell you after time you feel very rejected, unloved and unwanted and you stop.


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Its interesting that some think that there is no advantage for men to get married, because its been shown that married men are healthier and live longer than those who arent.


Yeah. But most men don't study such stats. Many man prize their independence.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The Mighty Fred said:


> Yeah. But most men don't study such stats. Many man prize their independence.


The vast majority of men get married and after a divorce/bereavement will remarry. Some people are happy single, but they are a small minority.


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> The vast majority of men get married and after a divorce/bereavement will remarry. Some people are happy single, but they are a small minority.


Interesting. Not me. I always think if my wife got run over by a bus I'd just be single.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The Mighty Fred said:


> Interesting. Not me. I always think if my wife got run over by a bus I'd just be single.


Could that be because going by your other posts you are keen to have sex with lots of women?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Could that be because going by your other posts you are keen to have sex with lots of women?


True!


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Could that be because going by your other posts you are keen to have sex with lots of women?


You might think that but no. I've thought this for at least ten years Diana. Im just very good on my own. Always pretty independent.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

This seems like a clear case of once she got healed a husband and such, she suddenly decided sex wasn’t for her.

he needs to woo her, he needs to do this, he needs to do that. Total ********. If she WANTED to make love to her husband, she would. If she was wanting him, she’d be doing things to make him want HER.

OP, some women do this to men. They pretend they are horny sex vixens until marriage and then once they get married, that’s it. I haven’t experienced it, but one reads about it a lot.

Maje no mistake, most men get plenty of sex after they’re married. You’re having the exception, not the rule.

you can have candles and supper waiting on her when she gets home, have a rose in your mouth. Give her a massage, etc. if she’s not wanting you, you’re not gonna get any.

it’s worth checking to see if she’s cheating, but I think it’s a case of super low sex drive and you got fooled into marrying that kind of woman.

Sure, her schedule is off and she’s tired. If she wanted sex with you, by golly you’d be surprised at the interesting ways she’d get it.

Don’t let some of the feminists on your thread make you think it’s all your fault and you’re not romantic enough. She just doesn’t want sex or doesn’t want it from you.
She did BEFORE marriage, right? 
Ask yourself. Did you change? If not, it’s her not you, and it’s unlikely it will ever get better. It’s your choice if you tolerate it. I wouldn’t.

Btw, The long term relationships I was in, the only romantic thing I had to do was show up. If I tried to go to sleep, I’d get awakened. It’s her. You shouldn’t have to be some romantic “50 first dates” guy just to get the opportunity to make love to your wife. I’m not suggesting that one shouldn’t date their wife. I’m saying you shouldn’t have to try so freaking hard.

last of all, none of my exes would have a single complaint on the sexual part of our relationship. You’ve just got a low or no drive wife. It’s not you.


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