# Lost



## want2bhappy (Nov 24, 2009)

Ok, heres my long sad story:
Coming up on my 5th anniversary, and im not sure if ill see it. This marriage feels like is doomed and i would do anything to save it. Backstory- We met through a friend, and there was (at least i thought) an instant connection. Timing was never right though with life, long distances, and other relationships. After 3 years of friendship like that i saw an opprotunity and took it. We talked a lot and i was falling hard for her. The feeling seemed mutual. We joked about marriage because of the benifits to us both (i was military). Well, the joking turned to reality and we got hitched. We had to endure almost the first year as long distance and we finally moved in togather. We argued a decent amount, but we figured it was because of just moving in, career changes for both, and cross country moving to be togather. The 3 most stressful life experiences, all at once were a recipe for some good fighting. Never anything physical, but there was some verbal/emotional abuse for us both. It lasted about 1.5 yrs before she was fed up and moved back home cross country. We agreed it was best and we rushed into things, that the space would help. It did, and in 6 months time we were togather again. Throughout the seperation we talked a lot on the phone and i really thought we worked out most if not all of our problems. I think now though looking back on things, there was resentment on both sides about the split, and it came out when we argued, it still does. As far as i know we were both faithful during that time also. It has been a train wreck since she came back. I am the bread winner, and i do all of the cooking. I can have the whole dinner ready and served to her, she'll complain that i didnt get her a drink. Ill ask that she does the dishes (i clean pots & pans as i go, so its just the tableware, and we have a machine), those dishes will sit in the sink until things grow on it and i have to clean it. I feel like i am the only one playing married, and she is the roomate with no responsibilities. There was such a long time that she wanted to "talk" about our relationship and i would try, but it always sparked a fight about our rocky past. I finally gave up on talking and would find every reason not to. This made things worse. The fights escalated, lots of yelling and verbal abuse both ways. Everything turned into a fight. I was at the point i wanted nothing to do with her, and it showed. I would work extra hours to pay for the lifestyle we wanted and the debt would pile up because she would shop to feel better. Everything she said was the opposite of her actions. She wanted to be a team, and would be mad that i didnt use words like "us." But when it came to finances, i provide everything, and she spends what she wants. No teamwork there. Same with cleaning, and cooking. I would be wrong for saying "im going to a game this weekend, do you want to go?", instead of "lets go to a game together." I'd be even more wrond when i would say "we" are broke, because all of her income was disposable and she wasnt. Sex was incredible and frequent in the begining. It dwindled, between work, school, fighting. Its been a month since we were intimate, and i would say the last 10 times we were together was more of a chore than anything, theres even been times where we got into a fight mid stroke! I understand that for women, sex is emotional, and if she feels disconnected it wont work. For men, its purely physical; opposite sex, pusle = lets go. We tried the "talk" again a few months ago, and i paid attention, i listened, and i thought we made progress. Nothing changed. Actually got worse. She works a 9-5, and doesnt come home until late, sometimes 9 or 10, sometimes after midnight. I ask and she would always have a story, at the gym, at a friends, doing this or that. Lately she just tells me its not my business. She has taken a PT job on the weekends so is gone then too. She says she needs to be away because we fight. When she is there we fight because she is always gone and i feel taken for granted, used, and very lonely. She has lost all interest in sex, except she reads/watches porn on the comp. (not more than a normal person would, but enough to know she still desires some form of pleasure so its not medical) So all things in my mind point to one thing, another man. I have confronted her but she says there is noone else. Ive done some investigating, and found nothing incriminating. Went two weeks waiting for a response from her when i told her i wanted to talk. Guess what, another fight. She reminded me how she wanted to talk for years and i didnt. I snapped. I kicked her out, loudly. After i calmed, i explained my feelings of lonliness, and how she resembled a freeloading roomie more than a wife and it had to stop. If she wants to be with me we need to fix it, however we can. I am willing to do whatever it takes, but she has to change her ways or go. She went. We talked the next morning and she said it was better this way, that she needed some space (i held my tongue as to how often shes not home and how much more space she needs) to calm down and sort things, not to call for a few days. I honored it. I decided that if this is what she wanted, then so be it, and i asked her what her plan was for getting her things, and setting up an appointment with a lawyer for divorce process. She seemed shocked by my decision, as if i was the bad guy for making it. There are things that i know she is not telling me, like her apartment search that began last month, even though she only left last week. I agreed to talk with her tomorrow over coffee, but i dont know what to do or say. My heart is broken, and i feel numb, as if right now it wouldnt matter if i ever saw her again, but i do love her dearly. I dont know if i should proceed with the split, or try to work thing out. And thats if she even wants to. We are 30 & 26 with no kids. I know my schpiel is biased and ive done some bashing of her, but i know im not innocent. Im just portraying my point of view. Does anyone have any thoughts on my situation or have been through similar hardships?


----------



## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

She doesn't trust you. Period. You can't explain that you feel lonely, then call her a "freeloading roomie." If you want her to want you, she needs to feel safe and comfortable with you and that she'd rather spend time with you than anybody else. Women aren't like men when it comes to fights. Men can let things go in a fairly short time. Women pull away and may not come back. We don't need the physical as much as we need the emotional connection, so even if she doesn't have a physical issue causing her to not want sex, she won't want sex with you if she doesn't feel safe with you. If you kick her out of the house, why should she?

If you want this marriage to work, you have a long way to go. First, you need to know why she's not happy. No guessing. You need to hear it from her. Then you need to decide if the reasons she feels unhappy are things that can be worked on by the two of you.

Good luck.


----------

