# I am in shock and not shocked



## Minimus (Feb 20, 2014)

Okay, I have been a lurker until now. My apologies for making this so long so I am leaving out a lot of details. So I will try to be as brief as possible. 

Married 21 years, three kids ages 20, 19, and 17. Wife is from the Philippines and a former beauty queen who still has her looks. She is a terrific mother and a very supportive wife. 

I have been faithful, a good father, and a good husband to her. In fact, her single friends call her lucky to be married to me.

But stuff happens and here is the stuff that happened in this case.

In December 2008 she went to work at a big chain that does not support unions (you all know which one that is). She had to because we had two kids in boarding school and the water heater went bad. Meanwhile, her mother, who was on dialysis, lived with us for a few years before returning home to die in January 2009. She passed in December 2009.

In June 2009 I had a total knee replacement and but in the last few stages of rehab (it ended in October) I had the feeling that something was wrong but could not put my finger on it. 

In January 2010 a few things happened that aroused my suspicion so, for the first time, I checked the phone records and found literally thousands of texts with some guy dating back to late September. She lied about how they met but I eventually figured out they worked together. When I found out she immediately ended the EA. I do not know if it became physical but intend to find out.

A few months later she returned home from work late at night (it was legitimate because of her hours) and drove into the driveway talking to some guy. To make a long story short, they became friends because he helped her get rid of the one she had the EA with. 

In 2011 my wife started what my middle child called her disappearing act. She would go to the sore for milk at 5 and return home at 9. This took place two or three times a week. She also wanted time alone on Tuesday afternoons. 

Of course, I was suspicious. On one occasion, she left her glasses at home and I took them to her work. She also worked for a physician and at this place there is a long parking lot with a Starbucks on one end and a dance studio at the other. The lot's shape is like half a rectangle so one can park in a hidden spot around the corner. 

When I dropped off her glasses around 6 pm (it closed at 7) I noticed the office was busy and figured that they would close late. They did but around 8:45 she had not gotten home yet. Since it was only a 3 mile drive I went to her office to see if she was still there. The lot was empty. I drove the length of the lot and saw her car parked in a secluded section of the lot. Oh, she normally parked in the middle of the lot.

This was an apparent rendezvous and I left in puzzlement. When I returned she was getting into her car but denied having met with anyone. This was an obvious lie but I had no proof that she met with someone.

Over the next few months from time to time she lied about her whereabouts. On one occasion she claimed she was meeting a friend at 7 pm at a local donut shop. She took my keys, at came back with a fresh coffee and donuts around 9. She always returned around 9.

Problem is that the friend cannot see well at night and does not drive. When I saw her the next morning she told me she had not spoken to my wife in a month.

So that is only part of the background.

Today I received a call from a very angry woman and she told me that my wife was having an affair with her husband. This is the same guy who "helped her" het rid of the guy with whom she had the EA. 

She told me that someone at the store saw her in a car last year kissing her husband and that she was also seen with someone. I think I know who that guy is.

My wife just left for the Philippines yesterday and I called her at the hotel. She denied any impropriety but I do not believe her. You see, my suspicions remained because she never answered my questions. It was always, "how could you think of me that way," or "you have a dirty mind," or she would get angry. 

The guy's wife is calling me back tonight and we have agreed to meet tomorrow for coffee.

I should point out that we have no proof that they slept together but she thinks she can pressure him into telling the truth. I also told her to check their credit card and bank records. She does not think they slept together in her home and I know they did not do it in ours. We both have nosy neighbors and that helps.

So, if anything happened, it happened at a hotel.

Any feedback will be appreciated.

Thanks.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry your here. I'm going to refrain from offering advice since I'm the first one here. More help is on the way. Be prepared formthe worse, cause it's likely around the corner.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Is she supposedly in the Phillipines with this other guy?

Perhaps you can find out what flight she has coming back then hide out in the baggage claim area where her flight baggage will be and see if she is with another guy and if they are all over each other.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

It sounds like this has been going on for awhile. First if you talk with your wife do not bring this up again. At least at this point. Talk with the OM's wife and see what you can find out. Check your computer, do you have access to her email accounts FB? Check the phone records for this OM's phone number

It is going to be hard not to confront your wife any further about this but you need to let it go until you can get more information.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Your wife is definitely screwing around. But I think you know that. Getting as much detail from the other man's wife is a great step. If you want more proof you could set up a voice activated recorder in her car. You can get a keylogger for a computer to use it I also think that there are apps to monitor her phone with. There are a couple of really good guys on this forum for all the spy stuff. 

It seems like you already know what she's doing, so I guess evidence gathering is your next step. 
Really sorry that she decided to screw you and your family over like this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

A couple of points of clarification, please...In what country do you currently live, the US? Is your WS traveling on business for the _chain store that does not support unions _ in the Philippines or is she there on holiday? If on holiday, by herself? 

Curious about the calls and texts...you say she pulled into the driveway _talking to some guy_, and that there were _thousands of texts with some guy_, how were you able to ascertain that she was talking to and texting a guy? What is the extent of your research?

And while you said that you say you saw your WW's _car parked in a secluded section of the lot_, but you drove away instead of checking it out? And then you later _returned she was getting into her car_...curious, why did you return? While you've asked the OM's wife to check her credit car records, you haven't noted in your story that you've done your due diligence with your WW's...or have you? If you were looking for proof of an affair, wouldn't checking out what was going on in that car make sense? And wouldn't sticking around to see what happens the next best manner to figure this mystery out? 

Now sometimes truth is stranger than fiction on TAM's CWI section, but there are many _hmmmmm _things in your post that are just a bit odd to me. Forgive my cynicism in advance...


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

All I can say is expect the worse, she's being playing you big time. You have enough red flags to start a store. One more thing, it doesn't have to be a motel. My WW and the POSOM met up at her friends apartment while her friend was at work. They also did it in his car, so think outside the box and have an open mind. The answers are there, you just have to find them.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Minimus said:


> She does not think they slept together in her home and I know they did not do it in ours. We both have nosy neighbors and that helps. So, if anything happened, it happened at a hotel.


Does either home have an attached garage? All you have to do is park your car in a grocery store parking lot and have your lover pick you up. Your lover has you hide while they pull into their own garage. The neighbors see nothing unusual.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

Tell her to stay in the Philippines.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

She's already been doing it a few times a week for a few years, a few more times before you catch her won't be that big of a deal, so why don't you just VAR her car, or hire a PI for when you know she meets up with the guy?

If you want the proof, you may have already blown it. Lie low and get the proof first.

Me personally, I wouldn't need any more proof than you have already.

What are you going to do when you find out she slept with the guy? It's just about a foregone conclusion that she's been doing this guy for years. Also she probably will cry and beg when you finally get the proof. What will you do then?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

She does not respect you and is selfish.

What happened to her for her EA? anything?

What is happening now? She gets to take this wonderful trip and who will she cheat with on this trip.

Tell her to stay away and that you will mail her the divorce papers when the papers are finished.

I do not know if she will wake up then. 

Her past behavior is a good prediction of her future behavior. 

Stop the pain merry-go-round. File for divorce.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

By your timeline, this affair is heading into its fourth year. She's hooked. Your kids are adults, so there is no need to continue to tolerate this. Pull the plug on the marriage and start moving on to the next part of your life. Doesn't that sound like the right plan to you?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You said she's a great mother and supportive wife... it doesn't sound like it.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If it was me, I would call her and tell her to stay where she's at until she's ready to come clean. I think you have enough to pretty much know she's cheating. 

It doesn't take for hours to buy a gallon of milk. Hell you can milk a cow faster. Then time alone on Tuesdays. What for? Then she goes to get coffee and doughnuts with her friend who wasn't there and your wife said she was.

Wake up. It's all right there. Like I said, tell her to stay there and expect divorce papers coming real soon.


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## kalimata (Jan 29, 2014)

Minimus: you have 3 grown kids, and a wife who is clearly cheating on you. Why are you waiting for her to come around? Why not just leave???


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Yes, she's cheating on you and not being very discrete about it. A 2 - 4 hour trip to the store for milk is not a very well set up plan.

What do you want to do? Your kids are old enough so divorce would be easier. ??

I think she either wants to get caught or doesn't care if she gets caught.

Your wife still has her looks but she's not 20 and she won't have those looks forever. Kids are grown, let's get some mileage with those looks before they're gone.

When you have been beautiful your whole life and attention comes easy, it's hard to let that go. Running with who ever in parking lots is not a "respectful" affair to me. I don't mean to you, I mean to her.

Risking it all for a steamy romp in a parking lot is an ego boosting cheap thrill, not a soul-mate connection.

Of course if you're a lurker, you know what needs to be done. 

I'm sorry your wife is cheating on you and basically openly from what I can gather. 

Don't keep confronting, make a plan for yourself. If her AP's wife knows, he might throw your wife under the bus to save his marriage and you should be prepared for anything.


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## Minimus (Feb 20, 2014)

I live in the USA. From the Midwest. My wife is not there with the other guy. Right now she is with her father and sister. I spoke with the other guy's wife three times today. Obviously she is highly upset and angry. We are meeting tomorrow and together will go to her husband's work place and confront him. 

Trust me, I will not do anything dumb. I have a well paying job and trying to put two kids through college.


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## Minimus (Feb 20, 2014)

Okay, like I said, I left a lot out. The EA and it may well have become a PA was long over the night she pulled into the driveway and was talking to someone. The guy she was talking to is her (or one of) her current PAs.


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## Minimus (Feb 20, 2014)

As for why I waited so long, the answer is simple. I had no proof. I KNEW something was wrong but whenever I brought it up she would get angry or change the subject or outright lie.

The night of the rendezvous, there was a car next to hers and pulled out just as I drove up. The guy took one look at me and took off like a bat out of hell. I tried to keep up with him but figured that it was not worth risking my life or a ticket.

I went home to get my daughter (I did not tell her what was going on) to have her drive her mother's car home. I figured boyfriend could take her home. By the time we returned, she was alone, getting into her car.


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## Minimus (Feb 20, 2014)

I intend to throw her out when she returns but admit that I must be somewhat delicate. My kids think we have this near perfect marriage and I worry that their grades will suffer. So the timing has to be right.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Minimus said:


> I live in the USA. From the Midwest. My wife is not there with the other guy. Right now she is with her father and sister. I spoke with the other guy's wife three times today. Obviously she is highly upset and angry. We are meeting tomorrow and together will go to her husband's work place and confront him.
> 
> Trust me, I will not do anything dumb. I have a well paying job and trying to put two kids through college.


Carry a voice activated recorder with you. THINK before you talk.
His wife should threaten him with a polygraph.
I hope you keep your cool man.


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## Minimus (Feb 20, 2014)

They live in a townhouse. No garage. When the affair started we lived in a house as well but had to move because she had allergies. We now live in a condo.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Minimus said:


> I intend to throw her out when she returns but admit that I must be somewhat delicate. My kids think we have this near perfect marriage and I worry that their grades will suffer. So the timing has to be right.


Dude tell them the truth there is no right time.
No emotion with her very matter of fact.


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## Minimus (Feb 20, 2014)

6301 said:


> If it was me, I would call her and tell her to stay where she's at until she's ready to come clean. I think you have enough to pretty much know she's cheating.
> 
> It doesn't take for hours to buy a gallon of milk. Hell you can milk a cow faster. Then time alone on Tuesdays. What for? Then she goes to get coffee and doughnuts with her friend who wasn't there and your wife said she was.
> 
> Wake up. It's all right there. Like I said, tell her to stay there and expect divorce papers coming real soon.


Believe me, I am awake. I have a good friend who is a terrific divorce lawyer. He will take the case gratis.


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## Minimus (Feb 20, 2014)

tom67 said:


> Carry a voice activated recorder with you. THINK before you talk.
> His wife should threaten him with a polygraph.
> I hope you keep your cool man.


Thanks. I have every intention of keeping it. I have too much to lose.


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## Minimus (Feb 20, 2014)

Rugs said:


> Yes, she's cheating on you and not being very discrete about it. A 2 - 4 hour trip to the store for milk is not a very well set up plan.
> 
> What do you want to do? Your kids are old enough so divorce would be easier. ??
> 
> ...


I understand that but she is absolutely furious and has her own problems with him outside of his affair with my wife. She is not going to accept his throwing her under the bus because she is ready to go after both of them.
As it is, she told me she is planning to divorce him but first, tomorrow, she will cause quite a scene at his workplace. I may have to hold HER back. 

When my wife returns I plan to bring OM wife's over here. I will not get in the way. The trip is 24 hours and I intend to let her sleep on the couch. I know she will sleep late. So I will take my son to school and then get the OM wife. It will be quite interesting.
I guess I am saying is that I am done with her. I love her, saved her life twice believe it or not, and will take a long time to get over it. But it is better to be alone than to deal with the knowledge that they may be sneaking off someplace.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Do keep us updated. You need to tell your kids before your wife has a chance to talk to them. She will turn them on you with lies. It happens here all the time. Disregard this warning and you will regret it for life. 

You will not believe the lies, actions and illogic that is going to come out of your wifes mouth.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Minimus said:


> I intend to throw her out when she returns but admit that I must be somewhat delicate. My kids think we have this near perfect marriage and I worry that their grades will suffer. So the timing has to be right.


What about the kid who always jokes about mom's missing time? Going out for a gallon of milk and coming back four hours later? Point is, your kids might suspect something already. Likely they are of a similar mindset to you, thinking, "looks suspicious, but mom would never do that to dad."


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## Minimus (Feb 20, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Do keep us updated. You need to tell your kids before your wife has a chance to talk to them. She will turn them on you with lies. It happens here all the time. Disregard this warning and you will regret it for life.
> 
> You will not believe the lies, actions and illogic that is going to come out of your wifes mouth.


I just made up my mind to do that. They are coming home for spring break two weeks before their mother comes back. They will leave the week before.


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## Minimus (Feb 20, 2014)

Will_Kane said:


> What about the kid who always jokes about mom's missing time? Going out for a gallon of milk and coming back four hours later? Point is, your kids might suspect something already. Likely they are of a similar mindset to you, thinking, "looks suspicious, but mom would never do that to dad."


When this happened I told the kids I knew where their mother was in order to prevent serious problems between them and her. They were reassured and things have been smooth on that front ever since.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

surveillance cameras - Best Buy


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

john1068 said:


> Now sometimes truth is stranger than fiction on TAM's CWI section, but there are many _hmmmmm _things in your post that are just a bit odd to me. Forgive my cynicism in advance...


:iagree:




> In 2011 my wife started what my middle child called her disappearing act. She would go to the sore for milk at 5 and return home at 9. This took place two or three times a week. She also wanted time alone on Tuesday afternoons.


I wanted to place a :rofl:, but that would be unappropriate in certain cases, so I want to place a  instead.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

This is over 6yrs long and you have had proof enough my man.

One question, why now?

Hell, polygraphs have been available to the general public for years!!!

Why are you being supportive of the POSOMs W? Deal with your own s4!t and stay out of other peoples, trust me on this, it can come out badly for you in more ways than one!!!

VAR at all times, they do swish little thumb drives that are great and I got two in my pick up and one on my person at all times these days, do not let yourself get into a situation that can turn harmful to your own credibility in this.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I am having a hard time with this one....it just isn't sitting right in my gut.


Easy there, sometimes they need the benefit of the doubt, often truth is stranger than fiction and people can and do behave in very mysterious ways!!!


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## Minimus (Feb 20, 2014)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I am having a hard time with this one....it just isn't sitting right in my gut.


I understand. Believe me, I understand. Some are wondering why it took so long but my problem is that despite the fact that I knew she was lying I did not have proof and she was not answering questions.

Just so you know, this situation has twists and turns that have come up since my last post. 

More later.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

I suspect that many of us here see these "facts" as somewhat out of the norm. The length of time this has happened over, the comments form a child about the disappearing, etc. There would be enough before now to send up an olympic stadium filled with red flags. Therefore it does seem a little unusual to get to where we are now. However, Wrangler is right, those TAm regulars will have to admit when the chips were down cheaters find the most unbelieveable ways to cover their tracks and cause redirected guilt. 

If I were in this guys shoes Id be checking on where exactly she is, who exactly shes with and even try and get to th woman that phoned him with the WH accusation. The WW may just be with someone else by now and the "holiday" is a cover for underlying activities to take place.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Minimus said:


> I intend to throw her out when she returns but admit that I must be somewhat delicate. My kids think we have this near perfect marriage and I worry that their grades will suffer. So the timing has to be right.


All your kids need from you at this point is the truth. "Your mom has been stepping outside the marriage, and I will be divorcing her." They're old enough, they can handle it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Minimus said:


> When this happened I told the kids I knew where their mother was in order to prevent serious problems between them and her. They were reassured and things have been smooth on that front ever since.


So now they know you will lie to them, too. Time to fix that. Be honest. "I tried to keep you guys from worrying about your mom and me. It was wrong to lie to you. So I'm telling you the truth now. We both love you. Ask me whatever you want."


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## Minimus (Feb 20, 2014)

Pault said:


> I suspect that many of us here see these "facts" as somewhat out of the norm. The length of time this has happened over, the comments form a child about the disappearing, etc. There would be enough before now to send up an olympic stadium filled with red flags. Therefore it does seem a little unusual to get to where we are now. However, Wrangler is right, those TAm regulars will have to admit when the chips were down cheaters find the most unbelieveable ways to cover their tracks and cause redirected guilt.
> 
> If I were in this guys shoes Id be checking on where exactly she is, who exactly shes with and even try and get to th woman that phoned him with the WH accusation. The WW may just be with someone else by now and the "holiday" is a cover for underlying activities to take place.


No, the trip is legit. There are legitimate family concerns she has to deal with. She is with her dad and sister right now. I just bought the ticket out of the blue for her two weeks prior to the trip.


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## Minimus (Feb 20, 2014)

turnera said:


> So now they know you will lie to them, too. Time to fix that. Be honest. "I tried to keep you guys from worrying about your mom and me. It was wrong to lie to you. So I'm telling you the truth now. We both love you. Ask me whatever you want."


Two kids are in college and the youngest is a year away. They know we love them and they will understand why I said what I said if it comes up. These are great kids.


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## Minimus (Feb 20, 2014)

hjkfhiken said:


> Is she supposedly in the Phillipines with this other guy?


No. the guy does not make much money. In fact, his wife and I are dropping in to see him today at work.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Minimus said:


> No. the guy does not make much money. In fact, his wife and I are dropping in to see him today at work.


Ooh, do tell!


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## Minimus (Feb 20, 2014)

Pault said:


> I suspect that many of us here see these "facts" as somewhat out of the norm. The length of time this has happened over, the comments form a child about the disappearing, etc. There would be enough before now to send up an olympic stadium filled with red flags. Therefore it does seem a little unusual to get to where we are now. However, Wrangler is right, those TAm regulars will have to admit when the chips were down cheaters find the most unbelieveable ways to cover their tracks and cause redirected guilt.
> 
> If I were in this guys shoes Id be checking on where exactly she is, who exactly shes with and even try and get to th woman that phoned him with the WH accusation. The WW may just be with someone else by now and the "holiday" is a cover for underlying activities to take place.


You make a good point about the person who made the accusation. When the OW's wife called again last night I asked how she found out. Apparently her daughter works at the same place as the OM (her stepfather) and someone told her.

I asked who that someone was. OM's wife told me the person did not want to be identified. I then asked her to talk to her daughter and see if that person will talk to me privately. She said she would do that but something tells me it is not going to happen.

As I mentioned, there are some twists and turns that I just discovered. One thing I knew is that the OM and a former co-worker hate each other. This hatred has been going on for years. And it may be, I will find out today, that this guy has been sleeping with the OM's stepdaughter. It is entirely possible that this guy may be the source. It so happens that I know the guy and he is not the type of guy who will let the truth get in the way of causing trouble. So I will join OM's wife to talk to him and then I will talk to the person I think is the source. If he is lying about all this then I will certainly deal with but not with violence. Again, I have three kids who ned their tuition paid so I will not so anything stupid.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Minimus said:


> I asked who that someone was. OM's wife told me the person did not want to be identified. I then asked her to talk to her daughter and see if that person will talk to me privately. She said she would do that but something tells me it is not going to happen.


WTF?!

Minimus, WHY? Why do you need to do this? Are you hoping to find fault in this "undercover snoop's" story so you can pretend your wife isn't really cheating?

You KNOW she is. Badgering the OM's W to see the 'proof' is going to get you nothing, except to make you look weak and off-center. Focus on you and your wife.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

turnera said:


> WTF?!
> 
> Minimus, WHY? Why do you need to do this? Are you hoping to find fault in this "undercover snoop's" story so you can pretend your wife isn't really cheating?
> 
> You KNOW she is. Badgering the OM's W to see the 'proof' is going to get you nothing, except to make you look weak and off-center. Focus on you and your wife.



Yeah.... I think minimus should chang his nick into minimizer.....


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## Minimus (Feb 20, 2014)

turnera said:


> WTF?!
> 
> Minimus, WHY? Why do you need to do this? Are you hoping to find fault in this "undercover snoop's" story so you can pretend your wife isn't really cheating?
> 
> You KNOW she is. Badgering the OM's W to see the 'proof' is going to get you nothing, except to make you look weak and off-center. Focus on you and your wife.


I am not badgering her. I am doing this at her request. She does not have a car and am taking her. I will let them go at it but admit that I will get my two cents in. Right now there is nothing I can do with my wife while she is in the Philippines. The divorce proceedings, by the way, will be underway. A lawyer friend is handling this for me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I was talking about badgering her about who the 'witness' was, and wanting to talk to her/him, and then badgering her about getting to talk to her CHILD to find out more.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

You know all you need to know, you've decided to inform the kids and divorce. So, knock off the BS and get in the gym. Just how overweight are you?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

A terrific mother..I don't think so. Leaving her kids alone for hours while she is running around with some other guy is not my definition of a terrific mother.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Minimus said:


> I intend to throw her out when she returns but admit that I must be somewhat delicate. My kids think we have this near perfect marriage and I worry that their grades will suffer. So the timing has to be right.


Well, legally you can't outright throw her out, but you can ask her to leave.


So when does the cheating b!tch get back?


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## Minimus (Feb 20, 2014)

highwood said:


> A terrific mother..I don't think so. Leaving her kids alone for hours while she is running around with some other guy is not my definition of a terrific mother.


The kids were never left alone.

Anyway, it is done. I have contacted my lawyer friend and will do paperwork this weekend. I hope it gets filed early next week.


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## Minimus (Feb 20, 2014)

vellocet said:


> Well, legally you can't outright throw her out, but you can ask her to leave.
> 
> 
> So when does the cheating b!tch get back?


She gets back March 19. I am already packing her things.


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## Minimus (Feb 20, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> You know all you need to know, you've decided to inform the kids and divorce. So, knock off the BS and get in the gym. Just how overweight are you?


About 5 pounds. I am in better shape than he is. Tomorrow I head to the bank and will change all accounts including the credit cards.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Minimus said:


> The kids were never left alone.
> 
> Anyway, it is done. I have contacted my lawyer friend and will do paperwork this weekend. I hope it gets filed early next week.


So did he spill the beans?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Minimus said:


> She gets back March 19. I am already packing her things.


Well that I would do and have them ready and then tell her you'd like her to move out. She doesn't have to and might not, but at least she'll know you want her worthless ass gone and might take steps to leave, just not right then and there.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Minimus said:


> I understand. Believe me, I understand. Some are wondering why it took so long but my problem is that despite the fact that I knew she was lying I did not have proof and she was not answering questions.
> 
> *Just so you know, this situation has twists and turns that have come up since my last post.
> 
> More later.*


Oh, this sounds ominous. Shirley doesn't like this.


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## kalimata (Jan 29, 2014)

Philippines law does not recognize divorce. Instead only annulments. It is possible to get divorced in Phillipines however based upon contracting an STD from the WS.

I assume you were married in the US ? If not go get checked for STDs


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

This all sounds like a really bad episode of that show "Cheaters." Did Tommy Grand or Joey Greco and a camera crew accompany you to confront OM at Walmart Lube Express?


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

martyc47 said:


> This all sounds like a really bad episode of that show "Cheaters." Did Tommy Grand or Joey Greco and a camera crew accompany you to confront OM at Walmart Lube Express?


There were good episodes of "Cheaters"???
Must have missed 'em.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

*Re: Re: I am in shock and not shocked*



kalimata said:


> Philippines law does not recognize divorce. Instead only annulments. It is possible to get divorced in Phillipines however based upon contracting an STD from the WS.
> 
> I assume you were married in the US ? If not go get checked for STDs


Philippines DOES recognize divorce, if it was obtained abroad and was between a Philippine national and a foreign national. I know this, otherwise my divorce wouldn't have been recognized.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

HarryDoyle said:


> There were good episodes of "Cheaters"???
> Must have missed 'em.


The one where the host got stabbed.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

illwill said:


> The one where the host got stabbed.


I really liked the one where the ap boyfriend got turned over in the porta pot then showered in a car wash:rofl::rofl:


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> I really liked the one where the ap boyfriend got turned over in the porta pot then showered in a car wash:rofl::rofl:


You cannot wash sh!t off of sh!t.


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## Minimus (Feb 20, 2014)

My last post and it is a long one. 

Philippine law does allow for divorces. And we got married there. 

Okay, there will be no divorce. Some of you criticized me for being somewhat slow to recognize certain things but I am the type of person who has to make sure. And I am glad I did.

The affair my wife was accused of having with with this guy did not happen. She and the accused husband are friends and may have spoken to each no more than three or four times in the past year.

Some of you criticized me for going with the OM's wife to his place of work to confront him. I am sorry but none of you understand the dynamics of all this and, at the time, neither did I. 

I am so glad I went. I met the OM's wife to discuss the approach and it is here where her story started to fall apart. She had been out of town for 9 days before returning last Friday. We confronted her husband that afternoon. 

Before we met with her husband she said she had proof that my wife slept with her husband the previous Saturday. The problem is that my wife was out of town with me. She said that maybe my wife met with him before we left. Nope. My wife and I were constantly together before she left and before we left.

Maybe they got together after we returned. Nope. My wife and I were together the entire time before I drove her to the airport. I She called my wife a "sex addict" claiming she had slept with this one person she knew and two other men as well.

I know for a fact that did not happen. I overheard a New Year's Eve day phone conversation with this guy who is a serial cheater. He has a loud voice and I heard him ask my wife out that night. Please note that my wife had no idea I was standing by our bedroom door listening. 

Understanding the implications of going out with someone on New Year's Eve, she said three times to him, "that is not going to happen." She then told him that she spends all holidays with her husband, she only goes out with her husband, she only kisses her husband, and she only sleeps with her husband. She then hung up and three days later got a new phone number.

So the story about sex with this guy did not add up.

At the guy's work place the wife started haranguing him from the get go and after 2 or 3 minutes he walked away. She took that as proof that he was guilty of sleeping with my wife. 

Time after time, the longer she and I spoke the less sense the accusations made. For example, she accused my wife of trying to pick her kid from his elementary school last month. That was impossible on a number of levels and I told her that. She then said that it might have been December. That, too was impossible. We had one car at the time and I always had it. Besides, my wife was not registered by the school to get the kid. 

She also claimed that my wife was the aggressor in this relationship constantly sending texts concerning her feelings for him as well as constant phone calls. I asked her if she had seen the texts and and she admitted that she never looks at his phone. She also admitted that she had never checked the phone records because she does not know how. 

Okay, then how can she divine that my wife and her husband were in constant contact?

With all these inconsistencies and contradictions, I asked her to for her husband's cell number and she gave it to me. I called the guy and we met for coffee that night. We spoke for 45 minutes and he answered each question, even the difficult ones without hesitation. 

He told me that his wife was bi-polar, I figured that out in our talks, and she was upset because her kid really liked my wife. And his wife was too insecure for that. He told me that his wife was always saying negative things about him to the kids (I saw that as well. She even had her 9 year old son and grown daughters with her.) 

He told me that he and my wife were friends and nothing more. They became friends because the serial cheater I had previously mentioned had been harassing my wife and he acted as a shield. These two guys do not like each other and he protected my wife. 
That was all.

I told him that the mistake they made was that neither he nor my wife came to me like they should have. He agreed and apologized. 

I asked him about some gifts my wife bought for he and his son for Christmas. His wife was really ranting about that. He asked me, "did she tell you that your wife also bought gifts for her? And did she tell you that she bought a gift for your wife?"

No, she did not. When I called his wife later, she admitted it was true.

He told me that he and his wife had been sleeping in separate bedrooms for months and that she has a dirty mind. He appears to be right about that. The day before my wife left for our trip to see our college kids, and the day before she left for her business trip, this guy's wife swore my wife visited her husband and had sex with him. Again, that is not true. We were together nearly all day except for when I was working. And my wife was with me. 

The guy reiterated that my wife loves me and makes it plain to everyone. He also said she will never be unfaithful to me. He said only he, my wife, and God knows what they did or did not do but swore on a stack of bibles that they were platonic friends. 

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and showed me all the texts and calls he had on record. He pulled out his IPAD and showed me phone records. Nothing from my wife. And my wife, by the way, does not have a second phone. 

I like the guy. He is a nice guy. Then he came out with his surprise. He told me that he was unfaithful but not with my wife. She showed me pictures of the girlfriend. They had been together for a while but his wife was so fixated on mine that she refused to see the obvious. 

One final thing. Maybe the guy's wife made this up or maybe someone told her lies and fed into her paranoia. I spoke of the serial cheater. He hates the accused OM, does not like me, and is angry with my wife who refused to go out with him and sleep with him. 

When the accused OM told the cheater to leave my wife alone, he replied that he was going to f*** her. It did not happen, of course. Well, a few months ago my wife was getting gas and the cheater drove up at the same station to fill his tank. They started talking and before my wife left he tried to hug her. My wife refused and the guy angrily told her that he was going to spread rumors about her and the accused OM. My wife came home and told me about it.

So he could have put the accused OM's wife up to it. I don't know. But I do know nothing happened between her and this guy. 

My wife still has to answer some questions and via SKYPE I told her that she has to trust me enough to trust her. She apologized and answered every question I asked. The answers were plausible and I even called someone who confirmed her answer to the rendezvous situation. I should point out that this woman moved away two years ago or so and had not spoken with my wife since her move.

So, to end it, I know there are a lot of fire-breathers out there who advocate immediate divorce proceedings and often it is justified. Sometimes, though, things are not what they seem. I was ready to file for divorce and contacted a lawyer friend but checked everything out to make sure. I am glad I did.

Again, I am glad I did.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Well, I hope this is all true. Why didn't your wife come to you straight away telling you about the serial cheaters attempts to get her? What is your plan now? Are you 100% convinced he is telling you the truth?


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

OP: it's quite a story, but tell me, has your wife ever explained this?

"In January 2010 a few things happened that aroused my suspicion so, for the first time, I* checked the phone records and found literally thousands of texts with some guy dating back to late September.* She lied about how they met but I eventually figured out they worked together. When I found out she immediately ended the EA. I do not know if it became physical but intend to find out.

A few months later she returned home from work late at night (it was legitimate because of her hours) and drove into the driveway talking to some guy. To make a long story short, they became friends because he helped her get rid of the one she had the EA with. 

*In 2011 my wife started what my middle child called her disappearing act. She would go to the sore for milk at 5 and return home at 9. This took place two or three times a week. *She also wanted time alone on Tuesday afternoons. 

Of course, I was suspicious. On one occasion, she left her glasses at home and I took them to her work. She also worked for a physician and at this place there is a long parking lot with a Starbucks on one end and a dance studio at the other. The lot's shape is like half a rectangle so one can park in a hidden spot around the corner. 

When I dropped off her glasses around 6 pm (it closed at 7) I noticed the office was busy and figured that they would close late. They did but around 8:45 she had not gotten home yet. Since it was only a 3 mile drive I went to her office to see if she was still there. *The lot was empty. I drove the length of the lot and saw her car parked in a secluded section of the lot. *Oh, she normally parked in the middle of the lot.

This was an apparent rendezvous and I left in puzzlement. *When I returned she was getting into her car but denied having met with anyone. This was an obvious lie but I had no proof that she met with someone.*

*Over the next few months from time to time she lied about her whereabouts.* On one occasion she claimed she was meeting a friend at 7 pm at a local donut shop. She took my keys, at came back with a fresh coffee and donuts around 9. She always returned around 9."


Red is for red flags. And you believe everything he and she told you, and you are content to use this guy's wacko wife as proof? Have you thought about the fact that she may have been severely gaslighted to the point where she is mentally unbalanced?

I'm not saying this is the way it is. I'm just asking.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

PreRaphaelite said:


> OP: it's quite a story, but tell me, has your wife ever explained this?
> 
> "In January 2010 a few things happened that aroused my suspicion so, for the first time, I* checked the phone records and found literally thousands of texts with some guy dating back to late September.* She lied about how they met but I eventually figured out they worked together. When I found out she immediately ended the EA. I do not know if it became physical but intend to find out.
> 
> ...


Rdmu's wife' lover Bob, gaslighted his wife so bad she was put on medication.

These stories do not add up at all. Didn't a guy in a car drive off in a hurry when he approached them? Whose car did that turn out to be?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

And of course he admits to screwing someone just not OP's wife. Coincidence? Hardly.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Best episode of cheaters was the one where the guy ang camera crew bust right in on the girlfriend who was tied to the bed and another couple were there dressed up in hi-viz waist coats and hard hards with painted faces, there was warning tape all round the place and she was getting a right seeing to!!!!

Hands down the funniest thing I ever saw, and I nearly choked when she said "just because I'm doing this, it doesn't mean I don't love you"  :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:

So why exactly the sudden change of heart?

We have gone from, yeah I found this that and the other info, tailed her and the guys car blew me away and when I got back she was just getting in her car, etc, etc. ?????

I thought there was a few more twists and turns in the plot thickening?

Or you got cold feet about fronting her out? If it is cold feet, we understand that and are here for support, if it because you have suddenly realized how much you are gonna loose out on financially? Hell we all get that, but just be open and honest, I read the script and just got more confused by your whole situation.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

This one https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MRj-sfgGbzo

Funniest sh!t I ever seen, can't find the whole clip but it gets epic!!


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

Well, I am happy for you that you found explanations for all the cheating and won't have to get a divorce...


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

martyc47 said:


> Well, I am happy for you that you found explanations for all the cheating and won't have to get a divorce...


I'm not, this looks like a major case of rug sweeping and searching for the glimmers of hope that it is not what he thought, there are cases as such that a person can convince themselves for so long that it ain't true almost to the point that it isn't, but it does not stop it being true.

Kind of hope in a way it is all blown out ofproportion, but knowing infidelity as intimately as I do, I see all the flags and more.

Good luck minimus, remember your handle and login password, you might need them in the future.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

He is clearly rugsweeping because he lost nerve. Whatever.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't buy it. Something smells fishy here. This guy is cheating... but not with your wife? Really?? He doesn't have any texts from your wife on his device? Why? Because he deleted them. He wasn't protecting your wife from the serial cheater, he was c0ckblocking him. Keeping the serial cheater away from "his" territory. Why would your wife buy gifts for a co-worker's entire family? Your wife and this guy are gaslighting you and the guy's wife. I'm sorry, I just don't buy their stories. Your wife may have been with you on the dates in question, but there are a whole lot of other times... missing time, remember? That is what you told us. They are getting together during her missing time. But her an iPhone and install a tracking app. See where she goes during this "missing time."

Best of luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

minimus, what's her explanation for the thousands of texts to another man?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

turnera said:


> minimus, what's her explanation for the thousands of texts to another man?


Shirley would like to know this too.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

wranglerman said:


> I'm not, this looks like a major case of rug sweeping and searching for the glimmers of hope that it is not what he thought, there are cases as such that a person can convince themselves for so long that it ain't true almost to the point that it isn't, but it does not stop it being true.
> 
> Kind of hope in a way it is all blown out ofproportion, but knowing infidelity as intimately as I do, I see all the flags and more.
> 
> Good luck minimus, remember your handle and login password, you might need them in the future.


Yeah, that's what I saying. Maybe I shouldn't use sarcasm- I thought by including that she was obviously cheating in my statement that it would be more obvious.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> Shirley would like to know this too.


I don't know, it's pretty much all water under the bridge at this point.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Depends on if he's leaving her for it or not.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

*Re: Re: I am in shock and not shocked*



HarryDoyle said:


> I don't know, it's pretty much all water under the bridge at this point.


I think so too since he said it was his last post. He'll be back. Denial, its not just a river in Egypt.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Stop making sense.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Sounds like OM's BW might indeed be a little unstable, at least in the sense of going off half-****ed without making sure of the facts.

Probably because she has been through this a few times with him.

Might be TWO serial cheaters at WW's job.

And I think he played her paranoia, and unfounded suspicions, PERFECTLY in gaslighting the OP.

As others have pointed out, there are simply too many other red flags and missing time episodes for this to be cleared up by the obvious mistakes of OM's erratic W on 2 occasions.


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