# What can I do? (Long post)



## marriedguy2012 (Jan 14, 2012)

Hello all,

This is my first post.

I have been married a little over 2 years, we have been together for just over 8 years. I love my Wife and she is my best friend, we are just lacking in the intimacy department. For many years now we have only had sex about once a month if we were lucky.

I have tried to make a list of possible reasons (not in any particular order):
1) Initiation: (just getting over that hurdle of starting seems to be an issue)
2) Oral Sex: I love to perform oral sex on her, it really seems to please her, and in turn it turns me on. However, immediately after getting married she stopped giving me oral sex. I have brought it up many times and tried to be as non-pressuring as possible. After we discussed it, she said that it is degrading to women. I try to be a nice as I could and tell her that she shouldn't feel that way and I don't feel that way about it, especially when I like performing it on her as a comparison. I think this is an important part of the issue as everytime we talk about sex, I get mad because it is important to me.
3) Porn: I'll admit that I do watch porn once in a while, but we don't really talk about very much as she gets mad whenever she asks if I ever masturbate (I think she feels as if by me masturbating, she isn't good enough, which is not true). I also know that she watches porn periodically but denies it.
4) Weight: I hope I don't come of as a jerk, she put on a little weight (only like 15 pounds), and at first it bothered me a bit, so I started exercising and tried to get her into any form of exercise, but that was years ago. I figured we could both get into better shape, especially if she maybe thought that I wasn't as attractive any longer. I have stuck with the exercising and even do bicycle marathons now, but she did not stick with anything we tried. Even so, it doesn't really bother me anymore.
6) We can both be pretty critical of each other, but I am much more laid back. I don't really get to do what I want, I no longer hang out with friends, I can't leave work late, etc... Lately I have come home and wished that I was still at work.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what to try? I am willing to try anything, as the lack of sex is making me depressed.

Thank you!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

marriedguy2012 said:


> Hello all,
> 
> I have brought it up many times and tried to be as non-pressuring as possible. After we discussed it, she said that it is degrading to women. I try to be a nice as I could and tell her that she shouldn't feel that way and I don't feel that way about it, especially when I like performing it on her as a comparison. I think this is an important part of the issue as everytime we talk about sex, I get mad because it is important to me.
> !


About the oral -- I am wondering if you just explained it wrong, but you will get know where by telling her how she should or shouldn't feel. Simply, she will tell you that you shouldn't feel angry about it when you tell her she shouldn't feel x,y,or z about it. Instead you should ask WHY she feels its degrading, and explain how you have always viewed it as the highest level of intimacy between a man and a woman ( if that is what you believe). 

I would ask why she was okay with oral sex before marriage. If she says its degrading, ask if she thinks its degrading you when you perform oral on her.


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## marriedguy2012 (Jan 14, 2012)

DawnD said:


> explain how you have always viewed it as the highest level of intimacy between a man and a woman.


Thank you Dawn, that is how I have tried to explain it, just in different words, you put it a little better than I probably did.




DawnD said:


> I would ask why she was okay with oral sex before marriage. If she says its degrading, ask if she thinks its degrading you when you perform oral on her.


I have asked her about this, last time I asked why she thought it was degrading, her response was "it just is". And now she won't really talk about it anymore. It's like she just shut down this entire conversation.

I will try to ask her about it again.

I also am thinking that her small weight gain is greatly affecting her confidence. She is always upset about it, and as I mentioned before, I have tried getting her into exercising, but she doesn't stick with it even though I do. Is there anything I can do to help her in this department?

Thanks again!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, that's quite some list.  Is your wife aware of how you are feeling in all of these areas? If so, she may be feeling a bit overwhelmed at it all - maybe like she can't quite measure up.

Can you make a corresponding list of positive things about your wife, since your list was mostly all deficiencies on her end? 

If your wife made a corresponding list about you - positive and negative - what do you think would be on her list? Because, it's rarely that things are all one-sided as a marriage is about two people interacting and reacting to each other.

I'm wanting you to do the list of positives and from her side regarding you so that you can gain some perspective from her side of things as well.

You say the sex has been down to once a month for years - even prior to marriage? Was it ever really good? Is there any particular point at which it turned? If so, what was happening at that point?

There's a lot of reasons for a depressed libido in a person, man or woman. It can be physical reasons - such as weight gain, ill health, certain meds such as hormonal birth control (for women) or certain types of anti-depressants. It can be emotional reasons - such as depression, repression/inhibitions, fear of intimacy. It can be relational - such as fighting, resentments, lack of respect.

Do you see any of those reasons that may apply to your relationship? What is going on in your relationship outside of the bedroom?

Do you try and initiate sex often? If so, how do you go about it? Many women respond better to more attention throughout the day - talking, non-sexual affection, flirting - than they do with a full-court press. That's because those things 'speak' to some of us women more and make us feel more connected to our partners. The 5 Love Languages explores this in more detail. What do you think your wife's 'love language' is?

The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

Frankly, I'm surprised none of the men have come on yet and referred you to this blog/book. I have read it myself and don't necessarily disagree with the overall concept - of becoming a better, more attractive man and husband. See if it resonates with you:

Married Man Sex Life

Best wishes.


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## mousecat (Nov 28, 2011)

marriedguy2012 said:


> Hello all,
> 
> This is my first post.
> 
> I have been married a little over 2 years, we have been together for just over 8 years. I love my Wife and she is my best friend, we are just lacking in the intimacy department. For many years now we have only had sex about once a month if we were lucky.


That, my friend, is pretty damned good going. Once a month sounds great to me. You're lucky!


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## alphapuppy (Jan 17, 2012)

I agree that all of those issues sound workable. You are at least still having sex monthly. You at least still communicate. It sounds like your communication might be more negative than positive? Is that a fair statement? Why do you think this is so and what could you do (even without her help) to change that?

Maybe one or both of you have personal insecurities or issues that have come up? Often those types of things will show themselves in the bedroom?

Oral sex doesn't have to be seen as degrading but it is often portrayed as such -- do you agree? Can you see it from her viewpoint? Do you know why she feels that way? Does she have past trauma or has she not seen/experienced positive portrayals of it?

So many factors. Do you know if she is dissatisfied or is she okay with the frequency and type of sex you're having?

It sounds like she's not telling you something about the oral sex, and it worries me that she doesn't trust you enough to tell you and/or trust herself enough to share her feelings.


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