# Need advice



## Oneillo77 (Sep 13, 2021)

WI’ve and were having a lot of arguments, nothing physical just name calling and being mean to each other. This has been going on for a long time and it only happens when we are drunk. I went to rehab for binge drinking and i am currently sober and not going to drink ever again, on meds to help with that as well. We decided it would be best for me to move out (40 days ago) while I’m working on sobering up. It more of a trail separation since we didn’t involve lawyers. We are not allowed to date anyone and I’m over at the house everyday helping with the two kids ( 7 & 9) with all the crazy sechdual. I only took a small amount of clothes since I’m really only going to work and support groups.

We are starting to work on friendship and dating again before i return. We are also started to see a MC to help us great through this time. The kids are really missing me and wanting me to return ASAP. I have been working on my self over 100% and I’m ready to return. The wife is sticking to her ground and has no timetable for me to return. When i ask her about it she says I’m being pushy and its not helping. I’m starting to get frustrated and I’m thinking I’m getting strung along as well as the kids. I don’t want the kids to go through this much more. I’m staying with family but I’m starting to think i should start looking for a two bedroom apartment because I don’t know what the wife thinks about a return. We have no separation plan and I’m thinking about asking her if we can talk once a week about where we are at, but is that going to become and issue with being pushy. I think she is trying to control the power and make me feel the pain, but who knows anymore.

Any advice is welcomed, i just have no idea on what to do anymore. Sorry about the grammar, did this on mobile.

thanks


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I can tell you this for sure: chasing a woman never works. Let her come to you. 
separations nearly always end in divorce. You have special circumstances. Alcoholism is a hard habit to break. If she has had enough of yourdrinking, you’re going to have to show for a WHILE that you’re trustworthy about not falling off the wagon.

You have placed yourself in a no win situation with your drinking. There’s not a lot I can help you with. Just try doing what you should have been doing all along. Let her come to you.
Chasing will push her away, as you’ve already seen.


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## Oneillo77 (Sep 13, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I can tell you this for sure: chasing a woman never works. Let her come to you.
> separations nearly always end in divorce. You have special circumstances. Alcoholism is a hard habit to break. If she has had enough of yourdrinking, you’re going to have to show for a WHILE that you’re trustworthy about not falling off the wagon.
> 
> You have placed yourself in a no win situation with your drinking. There’s not a lot I can help you with. Just try doing what you should have been doing all along. Let her come to you.
> Chasing will push her away, as you’ve already seen.


 Right, I will mention she drinks a lot and has part in this as well.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

This should be brought up with the MC. If you don't have an appointment, get one and both go. I suspect the MC will want you home so the two of you can work on your marriage. We were going to one many years ago and I brought up separation and the MC didn't like that at all. As mentioned above by someone else, most separations end in divorce. I also had a drinking problem. Our MC told my wife to take the kids to a hotel if I became intoxicated. She did on a couple of occassions and I hated that. It helped me get sober. I think it's been over 5 years since I touched liquor


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## chazmataz33 (Apr 18, 2021)

So what is she doing about her drinking?are you going to meetings?


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## Oneillo77 (Sep 13, 2021)

chazmataz33 said:


> So what is she doing about her drinking?are you going to meetings?


Nothing, she drinks every night. I have made a complete 360 change in myself. I’m starting to think is this even worth it from my end.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Oneillo77 said:


> Nothing, she drinks every night. I have made a complete 360 change in myself. I’m starting to think is this even worth it from my end.


I know you want to be with your kids, but if you move back to your place with a drinking wife, you'll start drinking again. A bit like me... started going out with a smoker and picked up the habit again. Be careful.


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## Oneillo77 (Sep 13, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I know you want to be with your kids, but if you move back to your place with a drinking wife, you'll start drinking again. A bit like me... started going out with a smoker and picked up the habit again. Be careful.


I hear you. The good news is I’m on meds, if I drink I get very ill.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

As things stand you are not long enough sober to consider a codependent relationship. If you move back in with your wife you WILL start drinking again. 
In fact you are already questioning whether it’s worth it to remain sober because your wife isn’t working on her own addiction.
Remember alcoholics are great at convincing themselves that having a few drinks isn’t going to be a problem and it may help them sleep, relax, talk to their wives etc. You didn’t become an alcoholic overnight and you sure as hell aren’t going to become sober overnight. 
I think you should look into getting a place of your own where the kids can visit because moving back in with your wife is a serious backward step. And if she sees you moving on with your life without her it may give her the motivation to get help with her own addiction.


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## chazmataz33 (Apr 18, 2021)

Good job putting down the drink!! Now the bad news,anybody can stop drinking,the problem is staying stopped.In my 34 years in AA Ive seen many 30 day wonders.people who put dlwn the drink ank think they are bullet proof after that and thats far from the truth. Why do you think the number one slogan in AA is one day at a time? Also easy does it! If you went to rehab you must have heard about hanging around with your old drinking buddies and in this case that would be your wife.Dont make any major changes, did you hear that?Are YOU going to meetings?


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## chazmataz33 (Apr 18, 2021)

Andy1001, no one can predict if he will drink if he gets around other drinking people but it sure is a very high probability! Other than that great advise! Poster keep an open mind.people shouldnt be telling you what to do, rather just sharing their experience. Take what you need and leave the rest.dont take everything so seriously,remember maybe someone else here needs to hear it or just they need to be reminded themselves.


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## Oneillo77 (Sep 13, 2021)

Yes I’m goin to a meetings and have been in a private out patient program which meets Three times a week for 2 hours a night. I’m also taking two meds one is antibuse and the other is naltrexone


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## chazmataz33 (Apr 18, 2021)

Good for you you! Did the same myself first 6 months.Its amazing isnt it. You just feel so different!!! Do you have a sponser to guide you through the steps?


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## Oneillo77 (Sep 13, 2021)

chazmataz33 said:


> Good for you you! Did the same myself first 6 months.Its amazing isnt it. You just feel so different!!! Do you have a sponser to guide you through the steps?


Feel amazin, why didn’t I do this earlier. Wife invited me to go out with the family on Friday night And she wants to start doing more as a family.


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## chazmataz33 (Apr 18, 2021)

Great!! Just remember sobriety first.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Oneillo77 said:


> Any advice is welcomed, i just have no idea on what to do anymore. Sorry about the grammar, did this on mobile.


She's got the house, the kids and all the support from you she needs.
No need for you to be in her bed.

I wouldn't have moved out of my home without a court order forcing me to go.
Once out, I wouldn't go back to help, or provide her with any money or support, or even contact her or the kids.
I'd consider myself single and free to get on with my life.

What to do? ........ disappear or file for divorce!


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## chazmataz33 (Apr 18, 2021)

Hope all is well


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## Oneillo77 (Sep 13, 2021)

chazmataz33 said:


> Hope all is well


Yup, so far so good. We talk nonstop during the day. Have CT tomm morning and we are going out as a family on Friday. Just taking it slow.


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## chazmataz33 (Apr 18, 2021)

Ok. Keep your focus


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