# Advice on how to move on after EA



## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

My wife had an EA with her high School sweetheart. It was fairly shortlived, and has ended after I found a sexual chat between them when I snooped her facebook.They're on separate continents.

I knew the two of them were chatting, but started to see my wife was keeping her phone close to her more, and she was on her phone last thing at night. I confronted her about her contact with possum, and she denied it was inappropriate.I warned her it was going to go wrong.

And a few weeks later it did.

My wife has sent no contact.
However, she first sent him a message saying she was caught, she was distraught, how I was reacting, etc.
Our agreement was just a NC message.

When pressed, she says she felt she should explain to him before NC

This reflects emotional investment.

I think she is comming to terms with the fact this was a full EA. I found out last night after probing, that he has sent a previous message outlining his sexual preferences. She did not respond, but coupled with my warning, and his pushing the boundaries it is evident she was loving it. She wanted it to continue.

She is remorseful. She has stopped all contact. We are talking about it.

I dont really know what to do though. I am angry, and want there to be some consequence. But why bring in further hurt. I have not exposed, and she is deeply ashamed and has said if I expose it will be a death knell for our marriage. She says I want to expose to hurt her. She is right. Exposure is usually to break the fog and end the affair. This one has ended.

At the moment I also wish I had seen more of the messages. They were all fb chats, and are now deleted. I dont think they can ever be retrieved can they.

This seriously sucks and I feel devastated.


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi oddball. Sorry you are here.
It's going to take a while for your wife to get over this. EAs are like an addiction.
Firstly you must be certain she has gone NC as most people in EAs break this at some point.
She must be totally transparent with her phone/ pc etc. no passwords, no secrets.

Read together 'not just friends' by Shirley Glass. It will give you and her a better insight into EAs.

She will be angry with you, no doubt, for spoiling her fun, but she must do all the heavy lifting to make this right. Is she remorseful? Does she k is what she has done is wrong? Does she understand how much she has hurt you?

For yourself. Be strong. Keep busy and release your anger and frustration in positive ways. Go to the gym. Take a walk. Post here.
But be strong. Demand no contact and tell her you WILL NOT accept this behaviour in your marriage and that if she continues there will be consequences.

Good luck. Keep posting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

She is sorry. She knows it was wrong. At first she tried to downplay it a bit, but I think she is comprehending how ugly and hurtful this was.No contact is in place. Phone and home computer are open.

Possum wrote her a message after NC saying he was sorry, respected her decision - and ended saying luckily nothing really happened. Yeah right.

I am keeping an eye, but I think NC is in place.

Yes, more gym less whiskey!


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Im Sorry that you have to find your self here.
But start to take deep breath.A marriage can survive

The hardest curve ball, thrown against it.
But marriages never survives ,having secrecy.
There is few things that point´s to secrecy.But it can also
mean nothing. So i will point a few of those i think
you need to find out.



oddball said:


> My wife had an EA with her high School sweetheart. It was fairly shortlived, and has ended after I found a sexual chat between them when I snooped her facebook.They're on separate continents.
> 
> I knew the two of them were chatting, but started to see my wife was keeping her phone close to her more, and she was on her phone last thing at night. I confronted her about her contact with possum, and she denied it was inappropriate.I warned her it was going to go wrong.
> 
> ...


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

One more thing.Realize its her job. To repair the damage,anddo heavy lifting. And not to be the one ,that sets the terms.

Start beliving her not by word. But by her actions

She does not get to have any saying in wheter to stay married
Or divorcing


----------



## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Thanks for the response.

It was definately EA. He lives on anther continent.

The message of his sexual preferences was a while back. It was not post NC. I have opposite sex friends. But if one sent me a message about sex I would terminate contact. She did not. After this I warned her it was going to go wrong. She ignored me.

I dont think there is any more contact.

My wife is really a "goodgirl" This is way out of character. But she wanted it, pursued it and made it happen.

I would love to know if their is software I can use to find all their chat history.

I am so angry.


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

oddball said:


> Thanks for the response.
> 
> It was definately EA. He lives on anther continent.
> 
> ...


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

oddball said:


> I would love to know if their is software I can use to find all their chat history..


what were they using to chat? Facebook?

Fchat may help if you act fast enough

I do hope you have a keylogger installed already


----------



## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

They were using facebook yes. I found a keylogger to download last night, but my wife was hovering. Will try tonite.


----------



## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Almostrecovered.Will fchat find deleted messages?


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

oddball said:


> Thanks for the response.
> 
> It was definately EA. He lives on anther continent.
> 
> ...


Be careful with the belief that your wife is a good girl. This is why a lot of men refuse to beleive their wife will cheat, has cheated or is maybe a serial cheater. 

The OW in my case, lied to her husband, painted him black, when her own father later told me he is a great guy and very affectionate and kind to her and the entire family. 

When I contacted him, he initially refused to believe me because he said she was a good girl and did not even like sex. 

Well, not, based on the emails, text, porn videos she made of herself and sent to my STBEH, voicemails and texts. 

She sounded like a hooker and acted worse than one in the videos clips of her i found. 

When I first contacted her husband, he was angry at me, and would not talk to me, later he called and finally asked to see the evidence. 

The OW was the one who first contacted my STBEH, the OW, invited him to a sex club for his birthday, the OW was into girl girl stuff and like to get lab dances from women at these men's clubs 

Please be careful about putting your wife on a pedestal. 

I am not saying she did any of these things, but saying she is a good girl is exactly what her husband said to me about the OW. 

She was just good and keeping the wool pulled over her faithful unsuspecting husband's eyes.


----------



## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

I am not doing very well in dealing with this. I was unable to retrieve the facebook chats with fchat. I am pretty sure that all contact has ended.

The real problem is the anger I feel. She says I am grinding away at what we have, and she says she no longer wants to talk about it. She says she is emotionally and physically spent.

We have been on a rollercoaster of kindness and loving to rage and and anger.

I am speaking to one friend, and she requests still that this be kept private, between us. She is not talking to anyone about it.

This seems unhealthy to me.

I told her I want to keep talking about it, but maybe its no longer constructive.


----------



## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Curious..when was Dday and when was NC established?


----------



## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Dday was 8 days ago. NC was established the next day.

What is bothering me is that I have been dishonest in our relationship in the past. I am a recovered drug addict, and with that came lots of lies and deception. But when I got clean, I was held very broadly accountable. I had to tell all to her parents, close family friends etc. I never resisted. I wanted to get everything out - enough of secrets.

She keeps raising my dishonesty. I still have to be fully financially accountable, text her if I will be late. And I have been clean for 6 years.

But she now wants to stop talking, she says I am too angry.

Damn right I am. Even when I was tripping of my head, I never ever brought another person into our relationship. A drug yes, but not another person.


----------



## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

this may help chat recovery - not used it but worth a look


IMMonitor Facebook Spy

MMonitor Facebook Spy is a packet sniffer that reads Facebook messages. The application can detect all the Facebook chat conversations that are taking place in your network and it displays them organized by contact name. This app doesn't require a client to be installed on the target computer, instead it can monitor any IP address in the same subnet as the computer that is running the app


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Eight days ago and she wants you to get over it and move on! Eight days?
She needs to understand that any recovery is on your terms and your timeline, not hers. If you need to talk about you talk. If she won't, she's not in R. My STBXH was all over the board, "its nothing" "Its not what you think" "your wrong" "how dare you don't trust me" (that was my favorite) "its your fault" He's still in denial of what he's done and who he's hurt.


----------



## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Yeah, I still need to talk. Unfortunately I sometimes raged.I am in such knots. She has never been a great verbaliser, and says I am too angry to be reasonable.


----------



## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

oddball said:


> Dday was 8 days ago. NC was established the next day.
> 
> What is bothering me is that I have been dishonest in our relationship in the past. I am a recovered drug addict, and with that came lots of lies and deception. But when I got clean, I was held very broadly accountable. I had to tell all to her parents, close family friends etc. I never resisted. I wanted to get everything out - enough of secrets.
> 
> ...



First a BIG congrats on the 6 years good for you!!!!!!

8 days is still very early into this. Your still in shock and disbelief and she is withdrawing from this EA\Drug. You must verify NC, trust must be proven right now. Have you checked cell records, if not you should?

You do have to be as calm as you possible can when talking, I completely understand your anger and rage, but it won't help the situation at all. Because your probably NOT asking questions as much as you are accusing and finger pointing. You need answers right now, try not to vent, try to ask questions that get you answers.


----------



## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Thanks Betrayed1. Yes 6 years. 6 Much better years.

All the contact was on FB. Possum is on another continent. Neither her cell or our home computer shows any signs of contact. I log onto her FB from time to time. I do believe contact has ended.

She has given me a number of bashes over the years by saying things I feel inappropriate. She has criticized me physically, she tells me I cant cope well with life because I have been on anti depressants the last 18 months (yeah, I run a tourism business in a ****e economy - things have been tough!) She told me on our honeymoon my arms were too thin, Im the first non surfer boy she dated! lately she told me I am not very attractive since I put on weight due to anti depressants.

So yeah, I am feeling like maybe she settled. And then the EA with an ex. I am angry.

I have to try and be more rational.

Right now, its like living in an ice castle. She is just avoiding me.

Time heels all wounds right


----------

