# Help and advice



## scotiastar (Jul 8, 2009)

My story begins about three weeks ago. I had been feeling paranoid about my husband for several months, mainly because all of a sudden he becaime very secretive with emails, passwords to Facebook and always clearing down his messages on blackberry. I have to be honest and admit we have had a rough couple of months, as I suffer with anxiety & depression and it has been particularly bad recently. That being said we have always been open with our online accounts and knowing each others passwords etc. This changed after he opened a Facebook account. I will admit I am a bit nosey, I liked to see and ask who people are. Especially his college days, a lot of his old girlfriends were there, and I have always wished we had met earlier in life. (we were 31 when we met). At the same time we changed phone plans and both started to use texting. My initial alarm bell went off when I was checking out bill and saw numerous texts to and from a certain number. this turned out to be a old college female friend who he was catching up with. At this point I knew his password to FB and I will admit I logged in and checked messages. they were pretty standard hey how are you nice to catch up etc. Which is fine, I have no problem. But still feeling the grip of paranoia I changed the settings on him MSN messenger to save conversations. I know this was sneaky but I just felt something was not right. Afew weeks pasted after this and we decided to go see friends who live a hour or so away from us and we dont get to see them very often. I mentioned that a band was playing the same time and that a girl he used to know was in that band with her husband and that it would be nice to see them. So we did. That was the SAturday night. I was still feeling pretty wary of the whole facebook thing, and I know that My husband and "jane" were pretty close about 8 years or so ago. So i went to look at facebook and he had changed his password. At this piont again alarms bells were ringing, so I checked his email as FB sends a copy of messages there. Low and behold they had been emailing for a couple of days. Some of it pretty innocent catching up , other stuff talked about people often talked about them back then and that they were involved, which at the time thay were not. then on Wednesday, I manage to grab a look at his blackberry. I saw a text to "jane" stating "I forgot you were on messenger" sent earlier in the morning. At this point I remember I had set the MSN to save any conversations, so when he went outside to play with out 3 year old, I looked. and ther it was, the words that have now sent my world crashing. It was a 90 minute or so conversation, that started out pretty innocent, but soon moved to more serious talk about feelings of an intimate nature. She had said in seeing him it brough back a lot of old feelings about him, and that she had made love with her husband thinking about him and had had a sexual dream about my husband. Long story short, my husband reciprocated these feeliings and proceeded to described he aledged dream. then moved on to talk about the fact that "jane" was married and that she would prob not take this to a physical level but that if she was single he would be over there like a shot. Thats is in a nuts shell, other stuff was said but I think those of you reading this get the general idea. Needless to say reading this was the most surreal experience of my life. this was three weeks ago, and I think the anger is finally hitting me. When I confronted him, he said he was just saying what she thought she wanted to hear, and that it just felt nice to be wanted and attractive and that when he talked about being "excited" by her words he was infact not aroused at all. He did email her the next day to let her know I had found and subsequently she did confess to her husband. He cancelled his face book and other online accounts. 

I guess I am asking, did he cheat? If he did how do I move on? We had a bad night last night he got very angry, mainly at himself, talked alot about how much he hates himself and that the guilt is getting bigger everyday. I told him that the only thing I can equate this to, is grief. Because it does truly feel like something has died. 

I think I am all talked out. Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated. the only ones I have talked to about this is my husband and "jane".

Thank you.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Sounds like an EA at the minimum. 

If he deleted all of his online accounts...did you see him do that? Want to bet he didn't made others?


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## scotiastar (Jul 8, 2009)

dcrim said:


> Sounds like an EA at the minimum.
> 
> If he deleted all of his online accounts...did you see him do that? Want to bet he didn't made others?


Yes I saw him delete them. He even gave me his work email pw. He just has that and a hotmail account which I have always had access to.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

scotiastar said:


> and that it just felt nice to be wanted and attractive


This is very common in an EA. The TOW is saying things HE wants to hear. His actions were wrong, don’t get me wrong but this is the motivation for them.





scotiastar said:


> I guess I am asking, did he cheat?


If there was no cyber sex then I wouldn’t consider this as cheating. It is a warning shot across the bow that he is looking for something more in the marriage from you. I would expect you are looking for something from him also.

If you are confident he had ended the relationship and you trust him then leave this incident behind and look what needs to be done in improving the marriage. Spend time communicating where you would like to see him improve. Question him about what kinds of things he wants to hear from you. 

It is not unusual for anyone to enjoy getting complements from someone else but this crossed the line.


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## scotiastar (Jul 8, 2009)

meysuhn said:


> Trusting your spouse is one of the most important keys to a marriage. This is hard even with marriages where both spouses have done nothing wrong. Now trusting him after you have reason to doubt is an even harder task, but it takes someone who is committed to do so. You are asking others if he cheated and what you should do, when you already know the answers.
> 
> Ask yourself these questions to help you decide. How serious do I take cheating? Does this constitute as cheating (even though it could be seen as an emotional affair)? How serious do I take emotional affairs? Could I ever fall victim to the same emotions that he has with another man from my past?
> 
> ...




You are right I do know the answers, my problem I think is i have talked with anyone about this, and everything gets jumbled in my head, and yes I admit to feeling sorry for myself.

I do love him, and we did talk earlier about his need to let me talk and he seemed to understand that. I repeat a lot and ask the same questions, mainly because my head spins when I think about it.
He was actually the first one to put a 'cheating' label on this a few days ago. I had never really thought of it until he said it. After reading alot on here it has helped me understand a little more about EA's and that has helped a lot.

He says over and over again that it was a pointless conversation and that even when it was over he was thinking did that really happen? Now as it sinks in more he is understanding the hurt it caused. 

I will take your advice on asking him the same questions. I will let you know how it goes. 

Thanks you again for your words.


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## scotiastar (Jul 8, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> This is very common in an EA. The TOW is saying things HE wants to hear. His actions were wrong, don’t get me wrong but this is the motivation for them.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


There was no cyber sex, just descriptions of dreams. But he did end the convo with the suggestion of cyber sex. Which of course fills my head with what ifs, which I need to just deal with. I should not dwell on what might have happened.

I have taken a very long hard look at myself over the last 6 months or so, and I can pretty much say I have been hard to live with.

He has repeatedly said he did not mean anything he said in the IM, I guess I have to believe him or not. Some of what was said was pretty cutting, especially one section about would they have still been together now if they had got together back then, to which he said he thought they would be still together, which made me feel like the last 7 years were nothing and that he "made do" with me. He denies this of course. 

I tell myself its just a stupid IM convo.

Again thanks for your words, you guys on here are very good from what I have read.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

If he feels guilty then it obviously must of aroused him in some way, because why else would he hate himself and feel guilty for just basically talking about dreams and 'what COULD of happened'??


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## Almostthere (Oct 31, 2010)

Sounds like he was crossing the line in a major way yet had not taken things to the next level.An EA but not PA. Thankfully you found out in time so its length of life was short. Best step now I would say is to find out from your husband what you need to do to make him feel attractive and loved etc. I am impressed with your ability to look at yourself and see that you have not been so easy to live with lately, but that still is not an excuse for your Husbands behaviour. Hopefully he realizes this. I hope you guys can get things back on track, be wary of not letting the snooping and paranoia take over as this often pushes them closer to the other person. Its great that he cancelled his accounts etc shows hes on the right track I would say.
Just a query does this womans Husband know about the situation? Have you contacted her at all? Not suggesting you do, was just wondering. Lets face it if she knows you know she is more likely to steer clear.
Is he open to counselling at all?


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