# Is it unreasonable to expect a few compliments every now and then? Huge blow up...



## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

I won't go through my entire story (though it is on my earlier posts ), but long story short we have been married 23 years, 2 kids (15 and 12). WE have fought for at least five years about him not being as interested in me and generally leaving me feeling like a roommate. 
I have posted other things about the LD/HD issues we face, but the second part of 'not feeling like a roommate) is that he just never really compliments me or says anything that you wouldn't say to a grandmother or aunt. I want compliments and physical affection from him more than anything. I read the book about languages and assessed mine as being those two things - physical touch and affirmation. He blew off the whole concept and said it was cheesy, and that I just needed to accept him for who is is, which is NOT someone who gives out compliments. 

After months of not having an opportunity for a date night to ourselves, we finally had one. I bought a special outfit, spent a lot of time getting ready, and was really pumped up about surprising him ( I planned something that I kept a surprise that I thought he would like). He agreed to go, but when we got ready to go that night, I came walking out and not a word was said about how I looked, we went right outside........and when we are pulling out, he looked over at his hobby car and literally said how BEAUTIFUL it was since it had been washed. I told him later how bad it hurt me and he said I was being shallow, immature, and needy. Is it so wrong to want compliments from your spouse?!?!? I can't help it that my love language is affirmation and physical touch.......yet he guilts me into thinking I'm immature for needing that kind of stuff. IS IT IMMATURE? 

BTW, I get compliments all of the time from plenty of people - they tell me I am more beautiful now than I ever was.........but I want it from HIM. Not just how I look, but actually looking into my eyes every now and then, telling me how glad he is to be married to me, etc. And YES, I do those things to HIM, but he says it's because it's my style.

I am soooo wondering if we will ever get past this if it has been 5 years. Do I truly need to just accept that it's just him? IS it shallow and immature of me to want that??

Help, please


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

No it is not shallow and immature of you to want your supposed loved one to notice you, cherish you, compliment you and to put your happiness to the fore. He says you just have to accept him as he is which is the biggest cop out for "I'm a lazy, non giving ass, you and your happiness are not my priority".

When people love their partner they want them to be happy, the things a partner want/need do not always come naturally to us but what should come naturally is the desire to see your partner happy. It does not matter if these things are not our own personal needs/wants but we must have empathy and understanding towards each other to really be in a place of happiness. eg my partner likes to go camping on his own a couple of times a year for the weekend, not my idea of fun but I encourage him to go because he needs to do this to unwind from a busy life. 

A good, easy book to read is The Rules of Love by Richard Templar. Just nice, basic info about living a quality life with love and respect.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

I dont think so but...

My wife is the same as your husband. I get compliments of many sorts from many people but never from her. She shows little interest in much of my pursuits and I have let it go long ago knowing not to expect it. I get what I need from others and accept her as unable to comprehend that part of people. It is not personal. It is her not getting it. It's not important to me. 

Others ask me about it and they shake their head but I am at peace with it since she just cant get there


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Alexm has a similar thread in this section of the forum....

....some people just do not compliment their partner and I really don't think it is something they will typically learn or be able to do, if it has been a chronic issue from the start. 

Not all people compliment. Some just don't get into it for a big variety of reasons.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

I hear you LMS...

I tried for years to garner compliments from my wife. I lost weight, lifted, ran endless miles, got fit and yeah, like you, I began getting noticed, from everyone other than my wife. Wanna know what? It really messed me up bad. I ended up in two EAs unfortunately. My situation was further compounded given my diagnosis as a HPD (we crave attention/validation through others as we lack self esteem and have self image issues for starters).

Anyway, you are not being selfish for wanting attention/compliments from your husband. My wife still isn't as complimentary as "I" would like, but she is trying...we both are. I'm learning to feel better about "myself", and she is making an effort to initiate which includes all the "touchy feely" stuff that I crave (my primary love language is physical touch as well). Things are so much better than they've ever been before, but we both are working on it together. I'm sorry your husband said what he did about just dealing with the way he is. I'm sure it was a blow to you (it would be to me). About all I can say is continue to work with him on it and if he is still reluctant to meet you half way, well...You have 2 options in my book...accept it...or leave. 

Best of luck my friend.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

MountainRunner said:


> we crave attention/validation through others


I wondered about that when I noted your screen name some time ago. That choice is a small window into a posters top of mind thoughts and how they wish to be viewed by others


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Its perfectly reasonable for you to have needs. He just doesn't think any need that he doesn't similarly desire is important. In essence, he's selfish and doesn't care about anyone but himself.

I would sit him down and give it to him straight. That you have needs, and that he is the only one that can meet those needs. If he doesn't come around, ask him to go to counseling. And if that doesn't work, stop meeting his needs (sex, cleaning, making meals), and see what he thinks of that.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think it's extremely rude for him to have not complimented you when you obviously went to so much effort to look nice FOR HIM. I think the whole love languages thing is skewed to what you are/are not receiving in your relationship. People here will probably disagree, but I think if someone is receiving a lot of affection and intimacy, but their partner won't lift a finger to assist them with household chores, then acts of service will suddenly be very high on their list.

Physical touch and affirmation are high for you I think not just because that is a part of who you are, but because you simply don't have that in your relationship. Your relationship is sorely unbalanced. We all need physical touch. We all need affirmation. When it's withheld, we crave it even more. It's a big deal for you because he has withheld it. Unfortunately, our spouses hold a great deal of power over us and if they don't care about working towards a mutually satisfying relationship, where neither feels like they are starving for a basic human need, then they are the limiting factor. Your relationship can only ever progress so far due to this limitation.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

My husband is quite stingy with the verbal compliments, that's just who he is and has always been, but I can always tell whether or not he likes what he sees by his actions. 
@LilMissSunshine, you said your love language is words of affirmation but does your husband tell you he loves you? that he's happy to be married to you? that you're an awesome wife and mother (if you have children)? Does he ever say anything good about having you in his life? If your husband married you for reasons other than your physical attributes, then I can understand his lack of complimenting those. However, I can't understand why he wouldn't compliment you on the qualities he liked about you when you fell in love.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Does he do other things to express his love for you? Sometimes men aren't good at compliments, but express their feelings through actions. 

Others take you for granted all the way around, and save their compliments and thoughtful actions only for people they are trying to impress.

You aren't asking for too much to wish for compliments, affections, touching and hugging. I don't see the point of a relationship, personally, without those things. Love is not just a feeling; it's a verb and it is behavior that backs it up.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Thank you *all*. I hate to hear that others have similar problems (threadtheneedle, mountain runner, and more)............. VERY, very frustrating and sounds like the "perpetrators" can be either gender. He DOES do other things (lots of doing nice things, "acts of service", etc.), just NOT ever any words of appreciation or physical affection. It's hard for me (( And yes, Breeze, the book probably is skewed by what we are missing in our relationships, I agree. I just feel like such a ROOMMATE at times. After 23 years, I can't and won't just walk away, BUT............when the youngest is 18 (six more years) if there isn't some serious progress made by then, I can't say that I won't be ready to jump the cliff to the other side. Right now, I have managed to NOT get there yet, but it has been close..........Bio, he did agree to go to counseling and went ONCE...........refused to go back. Said the counselor was 'out to make me - meaning him- look bad' (((((


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

LilMissSunshine, 
It is difficult to ask for compliments. It's something that should come naturally. Very similar to having a discussion about how one is not getting enough sex. It puts you in a vulnerable, odd position.

Here is what I would do. First, I would try to look as good as you can look, all the time. If you are heavy, lose weight. If you dress in sweats all day long, stop it. If you never put on make up, start. After this, I would calmly tell him, "I am doing my best to look as good as the day we met, I expect you to notice and complement me, if you don't someone else will." End it at that.

As time goes on, keep up the quality appearance. If he continues not to compliment or notice, start doing things on your own. Get dressed up and go out with your friends and have a good time. Go to the gym by yourself. Basically, be confident in yourself and enjoy your life. He should come around. The important thing is only talk to him about it ONCE, clearly. After that, don't bring it up verbally any more. Typically, a spouse will pick up on this and get on board. 

I hope this works for you. It did for me.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Thank you again, everyone. I am going to follow some of the suggestions here. I know six years is a long time (when the oldest one is an adult), but I am going to use that six years to be the best person I can be and to focus on ME). We'll see where we are then. Feel like I would not be tied to a less than satisfying relationship at the point. Sad, though, as we will have been married 30 years by then! I do know going into this 'plan' two things: 1. There will be days when I think "I can't hang on for XXX years, much less a day" and I have to talk myself off the cliff in those cases, and 2. There is a chance things will improve and life will be rosy )) Also, for those that asked, I am the same weight I was in college, wear make-up every day, and NEVER dress sloppy, just because that's ME. I am a 'health nut' and workout 5X a week and also keep myself up. I don't think I can look much better physically - but I can work on the INSIDE and making me a better me in that regard. I am going to be cautiously optimistic and should it not come to fruition, I'll be a pretty good person in the end


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Going to chime in here--OP, you are not being shallow and immature. It's completely reasonable to want your partner to compliment you; it affirms that he appreciates you and sees you.

RE: the 5 languages--everyone needs all 5 to a certain extent, it's just that 2 tend to be dominant over the others. Just how dominant varies from person to person, so it's really a matter of relativity.

OP, does he show you that he loves you in other ways? His dominant languages may be different. If he's not showing any love at all, that's a bigger problem, obviously. But if he IS speaking a different love language, you may be able to learn how to speak it as well.

However, I find it troubling that he refuses to go to MC, and refuses to even acknowledge that there are any issues in your marriage, especially after you've been trying for so long. You're telling him what you need, and he just doesn't care.

As an aside, I am one of those people who very, very rarely gives out compliments. It's just not in my nature. For me, I'll only say something if I really BELIEVE it. For example, if I tell a team member, "We couldn't have done this project without you, you did a great job!" I LITERALLY mean that his project would have fallen apart without that person, and they were critical to the projects success. Generally, if I'm dating/in a relationship someone, in my head, I'm appreciating his hotness pretty much all the time, so I'm not going to tell him how great he looks every time it passes through my head, because that would be absurd--but I'll certainly say something if he puts on a monkey suit for a special occasion, or if he does something that impresses me. However, if I knew words of affirmation was his love language, I would make a conscious effort to ramp it up, especially if I found out that this need wasn't being met for him. Because, really--it takes no extra effort on my part to tell him what's already in my head. If I love the guy, I'm already proud of him, it should be easy to think of something I want to compliment of affirm, right?

And that's what I find frustrating about your situation. IT'S NOT HARD to compliment someone you love. It's easy! Takes absolute minimal effort, and he's not willing to do this little thing to make you happy.

And maybe this is answered in another of your threads, but why do you want to waste another 5-6 years in a marriage that has flatlined, in which your partner has no interest in bringing it back to life? I understand that your kids aren't 18 yet, and you want to wait until the youngest is 18--but is that really what's best for your kids? Is it setting a good relationship example for them?


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

IMO, people have different needs and as you have read about love languages, people have different ways to perceive love and affection. And even if a couple has different preferences, they can still learn and accomodate for the sake of each other happiness.

Sometimes when it comes to feelings there is no real right or wrong. If needing anything from our spouses means being immature or needy then why are we paired with someone? It's more about how compatible or how much effort we put on understanding each other's needs.

For example, just like you I need verbal and physical affection. My husband is not too keen on it but sometimes he tries. He once told me that even if he didn't agree with something I needed, he'd try to do it as it seemed important to me. I really appreciated that.
In his case, it seems that acts of service is also his thing so I try to do stuffs for him. It's not my natural thing to iron shirts, and sometimes I do get lazy, but I try to do it.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

lilith23 said:


> IMO, people have different needs and as you have read about love languages, people have different ways to perceive love and affection. And even if a couple has different preferences, they can still learn and accomodate for the sake of each other happiness.
> 
> Sometimes when it comes to feelings there is no real right or wrong. *If needing anything from our spouses means being immature or needy then why are we paired with someone?* It's more about how compatible or how much effort we put on understanding each other's needs.
> 
> ...


I agree! If a man calls me (or another woman) needy, I think it's usually more a reflection on his shortcomings and inability to (or lack of desire to) meet my needs. I'm allowed to need love and attention; that is the human condition. Why is it a bad thing?

Yes, there ARE people who are actually needy because of childhood emotional deficits/imbalances/what-have-you, but I think the "needy" adjective is thrown around much too willy-nilly, the same way that "crazy" is.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> Going to chime in here--OP, you are not being shallow and immature. It's completely reasonable to want your partner to compliment you; it affirms that he appreciates you and sees you.
> 
> RE: the 5 languages--everyone needs all 5 to a certain extent, it's just that 2 tend to be dominant over the others. Just how dominant varies from person to person, so it's really a matter of relativity.
> 
> ...


I don't know why I feel like I need to wait another 5-6 years. I guess because the one time things really blew up and thought I was really DONE (had even researched living arrangements and budgets), I told him, and he immediately involved the kids and told them what "I" was doing to this family. They aren't mature enough to see through all of that NOW, but when they are adults, he wouldn't try that again. Guess I also feel like there is SOME hope left, as he will go through periods after I have made a point about it to say some nice things. It just usually reverts back after a month or so to NOTHING. So I think it's probably a combination of things. I KNOW he shows love in other ways, so no, it isn't like he doesn't show it at all. He is 'acts of service' primarily, as well as 'gifts' (sorry, don't remember what that one was called, but he is a gift-giver), so he does all of that, and I try to do the same FOR him because I know that is his language. I saw the counselor for about a year before he came for the one visit. I'm no longer going, as after a year, I know what the options are - put up with it and work on myself, leave and start over, or do nothing. So I'm doing the first..............and hoping that it gets better. He DID try and go, just was extremely uncomfortable in there and told me after we left it was the worst experience of his life. He doesn't like to openly share his feelings.............I am glad, though, that it doesn't seem that I am too 'needy'............and it is true that we ALL have needs, otherwise why ARE we paired with someone as one of our other TAM posters stated?


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> I agree! If a man calls me (or another woman) needy, I think it's usually more a reflection on his shortcomings and inability to (or lack of desire to) meet my needs. I'm allowed to need love and attention; that is the human condition. Why is it a bad thing?
> 
> Yes, there ARE people who are actually needy because of childhood emotional deficits/imbalances/what-have-you, but I think the "needy" adjective is thrown around much too willy-nilly, the same way that "crazy" is.


I think you may be right - it's thrown around TOO much!


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

lilith23 said:


> IMO, people have different needs and as you have read about love languages, people have different ways to perceive love and affection. And even if a couple has different preferences, they can still learn and accomodate for the sake of each other happiness.
> 
> Sometimes when it comes to feelings there is no real right or wrong. If needing anything from our spouses means being immature or needy then why are we paired with someone? It's more about how compatible or how much effort we put on understanding each other's needs.
> 
> ...


Agree with you!! If needing something rom our spouses means being needy or immature, then why ARE we paired with someone??? TOTALLY agree and that's absolutely the way I need to look at it. Wow. What a simple concept that I obviously had just overlooked. Makes perfect sense. We are humans.......we have needs. That does NOT make us 'needy'!


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

It's normal to want your husband to compliment you. But if he has never really done it before in all of those years, it's probably too much for him to start now. Like others have said, you have to make peace with it and do it for yourself but I understand how it could be sad/difficult for you to deal with. It's not silly if it's important to you and it seems like he just flat out doesn't care.

Maybe you are also not leaving because you are comfortable. When you are married for a long time, it's home even if it's a dysfunctional home. It's scary at first but you'll thank yourself for it later. You deserve better!


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