# What to do ????



## Comfortably Numb (Aug 28, 2013)

Been reading a few threads here and decided to post. This is long but necessary to provide the full story. Thanks for reading and if after doing so, you can impart any wisdom at all – much appreciated (especially would like the female perspective).
Married 18 yrs, known for 27 – met in HS. Up until we got married we had our ups and downs – I messed around with other women (wedding was even delayed b/c of this occurring during engagement) I’m very laid back, easy going, optimistic and “big-picture”; she’s very detailed, always speaks her mind, volatile, critical, needs to be in control, pessimistic and has little perspective to see anything than here and now – and she is very argumentative. Most of the time I have just went with the flow – it has been easier. When she was calm and happy it was great, other times not so much fun. We got married and now have 3 kids, 9 to 13. Before we had kids I worked a ton, less so once we had kids but still 45 to 60 hrs depending. The first three yrs of marriage were similar to our pre-marriage time . . . I very laid back, going with flow and letting most things go that really weren’t an issue in the big picture . . . .she very critical, no filter, no tact, making problems out of everything and over-analyzing most. Again, when it was good, it was great, when not it was terrible. There was no middle ground. We had kids quickly and she worked less and stayed home to raise kids (worked part time). Yrs 3 to 15 of marriage were marked with more of the same – I worked a lot, managed the money, helped out a lot around the house - more than most husbands from what I could gather from conversations with others - and tried to be a good father and husband (volunteered, did whatever she needed me to do to help out even if it meant sacrificing my career as the primary money earner). We expanded our home to double its size and added all the trappings of modern luxury – grand vacations, home remodels/expansion, cleaning service, lawn service, etc. (all things she wanted). She worked part time but hated it, she continued to be overly critical, overly analytical etc. Our sex life was poor – “I have kids wanting something from me all day, and now you want something too” was usually what I got. I got tired of being rejected . . . . 
We had two major issues in this time period where she claims I lied to her which I don’t think were lies at all. We’ve never resolved this and initially I went along with it (i.e. lies) as the path of least resistance. You cannot win an argument with her – it can be brutal. All that said, when she is in a good mood, its great (about 20% of the time). 
In 2010, I’ had enough and I told her I wanted out – too many years of being told how much I suck and why, making a problem out of everything, having my opinion on anything and everything ridiculed (except my work) and challenging me on everything I do. All the while with a crappy sex life and despite me trying and doing whatever she needed me to do, getting zero respect and nothing more. Basically, I realized I wasn’t me nor who I wanted me to be. I was miserable, I gave up on trying to talk to her, she never listened to me – just cut me off and was very defensive about everything. Basically, by all accounts (not just my own) I was a model husband and father and I was miserable - she thought I was awful, and her life was terrible and I put her there. I could never do enough to make her content. She always pushed for more. She claims I repeatedly lied to her, that we were in financial ruin because of me (we had a high a high mortgage and credit cards but over $2.0M in assets and a paper net worth over $250k and we earn more than enough to live an above average lifestyle. 

After speaking with her she reflected on it and begged me to stay and vowed she would change. That lasted a few months and it went right back to “normal”. At this time I began taking a prescribed med for a chronic ailment – known to cause erratic behaviors. I ended up looking to meet other women on-line and did (an emotional affair only – never actually met) which was later attributed to the meds (note there was no infidelity in the marriage to this point). She went nuts, refused to believe it was due to the meds (despite doctor saying so) and me back to normal. We continued to stay together, but more of the same . . . . until last year. Again I told her I had enough – I was miserable. She tried to convince me to stay but I left. While I was away from her she kept constant tabs on me through family members. After 10 weeks I agreed to come back after repeated requests that “we can’t work on it if we are apart”. She was great – for 5 weeks – until my work wasn’t going as well as she claimed I committed it would 9 months earlier (I am self-employed). 
So now 4 months later I am here. I told her again a few weeks ago that I was unsure if I wanted to remain with her. And again she is wanting me to stay and doing everything right. Now hence the reason for posting . . . . what do I do? I want to leave but I think I am just afraid to do so. She is controlling, manipulative, close-minded, pessimistic, unsupportive (in numerous ways), volatile and defensive (we fight constantly), doesn’t trust me and has very little confidence in me. At the same time she’s very caring and its ok when she’s ok. She says she will change but this is round 3 and do people really change that much? I am numb, I don’t enjoy talking with her, I try not to be around her as I don’t want to argue (we usually do and have done so constantly for three years), my mind is wandering with thoughts of being with other women, I am petrified of my kids going through a divorce (and contrasting that with them having married parents that fight all the time, a numb father who never smiles and an angry mother that when asked what good she sees in her husband can only come up with “you’re a good father”). 
We’ve been to MC (multiple times), she tried IC (left after a few visits saying – this is useless), we have little in common but the kids, we don’t value the same things or ideals and we rarely like the same stuff however I usually go with it b/c the alternative is worse (grilling about why I don’t like it, or think that way, etc.). 
Thoughts, questions and other comments are welcomed . . . . .


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are not happy and it sounds like you have been done for some time. Give yourself permission to get out. And this time, you need to fully detach, and steel yourself against her manipulative begging go back. This time, separate with the intention to divorce, this means getting a plan in place beforehand...lawyer consult, separate finances, your own place to live.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

You sound like sort of a "words of affirmation" guy to me. Have you read "The Five Love Languages" yet by chance? I highly recommend it and it's a short read.

The idea is that we all show/receive love in different ways, and if our way doesn't match up with our spouses way, then there is inevitable conflict and both spouses will often believe that the other doesn't love/care about them, and it grows into much bigger problems. Making a few super easy efforts per day can make a massive difference in a relatively short time.

Otherwise... what were the results of the MC? Did any of them last very long? When was the last time that you were in MC? Have you committed to reading any other relationship books or attend any retreats/seminars? (Love and Respect is another good one)

I'd say you should try some different approaches before calling it quits, for the sake of your family if nothing else.


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