# Awkward meal - more and more common situation



## Mcti5dt2 (11 mo ago)

Had a Meal out with my husband tonight. 

First offence of the night he took was me saying don’t put other people down to make yourself feel good. This was in response to a minute of dressing down of the guy whose stag do he doesn’t want to go on this weekend. His way of justifying it’s okay not to go. I said I actually don’t mind the guy and get on okay with him. Robs response - why do you always do that to me, you always support the underdog. No that’s not the case I just won’t agree with putting someone down for no real reason, and I genuinely don’t mind the guy. 

We ate and had some reasonable conversations - it turned towards his mum and her Heart valve replacement , I could sense conversations getting tense as he wants us to have some extra help at home but just for if and when the nanny might call in sick. I’m not sure that anyone would really want a job that’s just in case and I don’t know how that situation would allow any bond between the kids to be built but me saying these things got his back up again. And escalated the stress levels within the conversation again. 

Next it moved into how He does everything for me. He’s supporting my career - saying the nanny is only here to support my career and if I think that’s not the case then I need to pay her. I don’t agree with this but again the act of me not agreeing and pointing out that we got her because he couldn’t be around to support our family in the evening threw things again. 

When I asked to stop the conversation he moved into saying why can I never have fun. 
Not sure why he moved straight to that. I said please just stop with this type of conversation. 

So he proceeded to not speak to me for the rest of the night and probably won’t speak to me for the rest of the weekend. 

It was so awkward the rest of the time in the meal. He didn’t speak to me and just occasionally gave me cold angry glares. 

As soon as I got home I wanted to run into the warm comfort of my bed and covers. And that’s where I am now. 

Any advice or thoughts greatly appreciated. I won’t go into the catalogue of other similar situations or name calling that have gone on. I wrote down what happened tonight so just thought I’d post it to see your reactions.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

You are in danger of losing your relationship if this continues.

Was there anything you two talked about while together that you DID agree on? Or did you argue and oppose eachother about everything?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Mcti5dt2 said:


> ........Any advice or thoughts greatly appreciated. I won’t go into the catalogue of other similar situations or name calling that have gone on. I wrote down what happened tonight so just thought I’d post it to see your reactions.


One of the things I learned in rebuilding my Sex Starved Marriage was that for every year of problems you have with a spouse you should expect to spend at least a month in marriage counseling to help either fix or know it can't be fixed.

The reason I bring that up, is you seem to recognize there is a problem in your marriage. My advice is to address it sooner rather than later. 

You both sound rather prickly. One of the hardest things, I had to learn was to really forgive my wife. At first I felt she was an Ice Queen, frigid, mean woman who told me she would never have sex with me again. I later learned she felt unloved and pushed me away emotionally as a way of trying to protect herself from being hurt. 

My suggestions, are work with your spouse and get some marriage counseling. Then forgive him. Find out where he is hurting. Make him feel cherished and loved and he might surprise you by making you feel cherished and loved as well.

Good luck.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Mcti5dt2 said:


> Had a Meal out with my husband tonight.
> 
> First offence of the night he took was me saying don’t put other people down to make yourself feel good. This was in response to a minute of dressing down of the guy whose stag do he doesn’t want to go on this weekend. His way of justifying it’s okay not to go. I said I actually don’t mind the guy and get on okay with him. Robs response - why do you always do that to me, you always support the underdog. No that’s not the case I just won’t agree with putting someone down for no real reason, and I genuinely don’t mind the guy.
> 
> ...


You say you don't know why he said why can't you have fun. He's gaslighting you. You had him up against the wall on that subject, so he simply took a swing to try to change the subject and make you the problem. 

Are you exaggerating, or does he really not want any kid duties and wants the kids covered 24/7 so he doesn't have to watch them sometimes?


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## Mcti5dt2 (11 mo ago)

Oh gosh, I had thought in the past the way he moves around conversations was gas lighting but I’ve never had the confidence to fully believe he was doing that. It’s not in my nature to sit back and not provide my point of view if i truly don’t agree with what he’s saying, but I have thought at times maybe i should start doing so to save any emotional hurt that comes after. Any tips for helping me to show him how gas lighting is unacceptable. I can imagine that if I even used such a phrase he would be very defensive and he’d stop engaging in a constructive manner.
I wish I was exaggerating about the kids - I work 9.30 to 6pm - changed my hours when we had our 3rd so I’m always free for the drop off as his work schedule changes daily, at the point before we had our third we had a really good constructive conversation. He said he can’t commit to being home after school or in the evenings regularly so we should have a nanny so he doesn’t feel bad about me doing it all. I was happy with his honestly and I did think it was a good suggestion but now thinking about he’s basically not providing any commitment to being around for the kids at all. As I realise all this I know we are in a bad place but I’m not ready to address it all!


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## Mcti5dt2 (11 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> One of the things I learned in rebuilding my Sex Starved Marriage was that for every year of problems you have with a spouse you should expect to spend at least a month in marriage counseling to help either fix or know it can't be fixed.
> 
> The reason I bring that up, is you seem to recognize there is a problem in your marriage. My advice is to address it sooner rather than later.
> 
> ...


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## Mcti5dt2 (11 mo ago)

Thank you, we actually did have some not too long ago, he came to 1 session and I did 3. Again he can’t commit to something regular due to his woke and tbh after a couple of sessions and some advice on how i could approach conversations differently with him if actually made things worse in terms of we were in more conflict. At this point I am prickly too, it’s gone on a long time. When there’s no conflict things are good but it feels there is a cycle and we are always coming back to this way of being. I booked a night away next weekend for his bday and I’m kind of dreading it. I should use it as an opportunity to talk, but if I initiate a conversation on these things it will lead to terrible communication and a bad time. Some days I just want to forgot about it all and then we can be happy, I know that’s stupid and childish but even writing all this makes me a little emotional and it’s becoming exhausting


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## Mcti5dt2 (11 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> You are in danger of losing your relationship if this continues.
> 
> Was there anything you two talked about while together that you DID agree on? Or did you argue and oppose eachother about everything?


yeah we did agree on other things and talk normally for a period


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

From how what you’ve wrote. You seems like you want to work at your marriage. There is something underneath, resentment which probably has its source a long time back, he's been building it up. And it came out in one go. However, I will say this, please do not shut your partner down(by saying we are not talking about this), when he is saying something, especially things which you think are small. It may mean something bigger and different to him. Sit down with him and talk, and tell him to tell you exactly why he is feeling this way and that he can express things freely. You need to find the source of that resentment.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Mcti5dt2 said:


> Thank you, we actually did have some not too long ago, he came to 1 session and I did 3. Again he can’t commit to something regular due to his woke and tbh after a couple of sessions and some advice on how i could approach conversations differently with him if actually made things worse in terms of we were in more conflict. At this point I am prickly too, it’s gone on a long time. When there’s no conflict things are good but it feels there is a cycle and we are always coming back to this way of being.* I booked a night away next weekend for his bday* and I’m kind of dreading it. I should use it as an opportunity to talk, but if I initiate a conversation on these things it will lead to terrible communication and a bad time. *Some days I just want to forgot about it all and then we can be happy, *I know that’s stupid and childish but even writing all this makes me a little emotional and it’s becoming exhausting


Again, have you worked at forgiving your H for any pain he has caused you? Affirmations and visualization are powerful tools to change one's attitudes. On your weekend instead of focusing on what went wrong in the past, why don't you focus on the future. Tell him that Covid is getting less crazy or at least there appears to be some hope later this year. Tell him that on his Bday weekend escape you want to work with him on building a strong future in your marriage. Tell him you want to do things that will allow each to feel closer emotionally. One of the things we did in marriage counseling was to visualize what we wanted our marriage to look like in 10 years, 15 years, 20 years, etc. We talked about our dreams for each other and our selves. We made plans for the future. We visualized what a wonderful life would look like. 

Focus on your future not on the failures of the past. Keep that thought in mind as you have your conversations with him. Figure out some plans relationship goals to bring you closer together and agree upon some rewards you both want if you meet those relation ship goals.

Good luck.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Mcti5dt2 said:


> gain he can’t commit to something regular due to his woke


Someone who says that isn't making it a priority. If it's important you can make time. My XH used to say the same, unless it was the football or needing to pick up his son, somehow work never used to keep him late for that, only for things with me.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

invite your husband to come on here to give us HIS VERSION of what was said that night. I suspect it did not go exactly as you stated.

guys, when they take their wives out for dinner, want a low stress fun time out, and time to enjoy the expensive food they are paying for. by immediately starting off whining about some other guy you bumped into ruined the whole meal for him.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Mcti5dt2 said:


> Had a Meal out with my husband tonight.
> 
> First offence of the night he took was me saying don’t put other people down to make yourself feel good. This was in response to a minute of dressing down of the guy whose stag do he doesn’t want to go on this weekend. His way of justifying it’s okay not to go. I said I actually don’t mind the guy and get on okay with him. Robs response - why do you always do that to me, you always support the underdog. No that’s not the case I just won’t agree with putting someone down for no real reason, and I genuinely don’t mind the guy.
> 
> ...


This sounds like there is a bunch of general resentment from both of you due to poor communication. Sometimes improving communication means less communicating. For example you know things go off the rails fairly easily, there is no need to say anything about the guy regarding the stag do just kind of nod and say if you don't want to go you shouldn't go. There's no need to voice disagreement when it's about something that has no impact on you whatsoever. 

Marriage counseling focused on communication is probably a good idea for you guys. Things are going to always get confrontational because I have a feeling you both expect things to get confrontation, the self fulfilling prophecy. 

A counselor should also be able to help you negotiate communication around things like the nanny. Thats a point of different perspectives and the value you have for each others contribution. Two working parents having a nanny means the nanny is there to support both your careers your husband viewing it like he does is going to cause more and more resentment for you both.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Personally, I wouldn't try to work on anything over his birthday weekend. Just go have fun and let him have fun. Enjoy the the weekend away, the change of scenery, and enjoy each other. There is plenty of time when you get back to address your issues, and yes, they do need to be addressed. Sometimes, it just helps to let the pressure off for a bit, let off some steam as they say. I think it could help put him in a more positive mindset for addressing things later. 

When you do start the serious conversations, maybe take turns talking. Let him say everything he wants to say and just listen. Really listen. An hour or two later, you get to say your part, uninterrupted. Later, after both doing some soul-searching (its never all one person that is the problem), you sit down and talk together, calmly. Try to address each others issues without blame, defensiveness, etc. as matter of fact-ly as possible.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Mcti5dt2 said:


> So he proceeded to not speak to me for the rest of the night and probably won’t speak to me for the rest of the weekend.


Then what you do is go about your business as normal, for you and your child. Come and go from the house without telling him where you're going or when you'll be back, do for you and your child only for meals, and go to bed.

When he finally breaks and asks you what's going on/where were you/where's his meal, you smile sweetly and say "I didn't know what you wanted honey, you weren't speaking to me".

As the urban legend goes, a husband and wife had an argument, he gave her the silent treatment, communicating only by leaving notes around the house for almost 2 weeks. One night he broke his cone of silence, telling her he had to catch an early flight for work the next morning and to be sure to wake him up at 5.30am. She reminded him - she left a note by the alarm clock  

Men have no idea who they're messing with when they pull this crap, seriously.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> guys, when they take their wives out for dinner, want a low stress fun time out, and time to enjoy the expensive food they are paying for. by immediately starting off whining about some other guy you bumped into ruined the whole meal for him.


I would also add, personally, I don’t want dates that turn into “business meetings” either. This happens for a majority of our dates. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

aaarghdub said:


> I would also add, personally, I don’t want dates that turn into “business meetings” either. This happens for a majority of our dates.


one of the benefits of us both being retired....no more excuses for business talk and phone calls during our night out.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> one of the benefits of us both being retired....no more excuses for business talk and phone calls during our night out.


Actually I meant family business like schedules, in-laws, plans, etc


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Peering_Within (8 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You say you don't know why he said why can't you have fun. He's gaslighting you. You had him up against the wall on that subject, so he simply took a swing to try to change the subject and make you the problem.
> 
> Are you exaggerating, or does he really not want any kid duties and wants the kids covered 24/7 so he doesn't have to watch them sometimes?


I wouldn't go into calling it gaslighting and diagnosing. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. I think we are too soon to diagnose and not soon enough to understand. These are two people not meeting up and missing each other in passing. When it keeps failing, more pain is felt and more distance grows. Surely, if they can't have a conversation they will lose the relationship. That is what has happened for years with mine. You eventually just can't relate to the person you loved and married. I hope, OP, you two find each other again.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

My only advice - remember you’re both on the same team.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

theloveofmylife said:


> Personally, I wouldn't try to work on anything over his birthday weekend. Just go have fun and let him have fun. Enjoy the the weekend away, the change of scenery, and enjoy each other. There is plenty of time when you get back to address your issues, and yes, they do need to be addressed. Sometimes, it just helps to let the pressure off for a bit, let off some steam as they say. I think it could help put him in a more positive mindset for addressing things later.
> 
> When you do start the serious conversations, maybe take turns talking. Let him say everything he wants to say and just listen. Really listen. An hour or two later, you get to say your part, uninterrupted. Later, after both doing some soul-searching (its never all one person that is the problem), you sit down and talk together, calmly. Try to address each others issues without blame, defensiveness, etc. as matter of fact-ly as possible.


In marriage counseling, our counselor told us to get a "talking stick" to indicate who could speak and who had to listen. I thought that was silly, so went to Salvation Army store and bought an old microphone that probably didn't work. I felt less silly passing a microphone back and forth.

But the recommendation to take turns is solid. Another things that my wife and I learned from a Gottman's weekend course was the concept of emotional flooding. This is when you become so scared or traumatized that you fight or flight response kicks in. At that point you ability to rationaly think and process information is pretty much gone and will be gone for 15 minutes to a couple hours. When you are talking about relationship problems and this happens one of you needs to call a "time out" to let the other person calm down sufficiently to be able to continue to have a productive discussion. The best way to do that is to say or ask if they are emotionally flooded and then suggest that you take a break and come back to this either in a few hours or another day (and if another day agree to the day and a specific time so you don't just put off things).


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

What does your H do for a living? How come he works such long hours?
You work full time and seem to be fully engaged with the kids, how old are they?
Perhaps you need to do more with your H and less with the kids. How is your sex life going.
How has your relationship been a few years back?
He may be resentful due to lack of attention?
He may be resentful because someone else is in the picture?
The way he is talking to you lacks respect
On the other hand, whilst you are not one to back down and want all discussed and out on the table, sometimes you must put these things aside and live in the moment and remember why you married him in the first place


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

The last time the OP was on this forum was Feb 15th. Maybe they will answer...but not likely.


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