# Need Advice



## JDW (Jun 20, 2011)

I will try to make a long story short. Was married in 2006. I had a porn addiction that I was always honest about to my wife over the years. I would try to hide it, of course, but when confronted, I would always confess. I knew it hurt my wife, but every time I tried to stop, I would go back. She pulled further and further away from me over the last 2 years. I would show her kindness and love and respect, but she had nothing to return because of the pain I caused her. She felt like I lied to her about the kind of person that I was and what I wanted out of life. The addiction did take much of who I was away and I was blind to how I was killing my wife inside. I love her very much and always took care of her and the kids. She says that I am a good father. She finally had enough of my problem and secretly filled for separation one month ago. She asked me to sign the papers one night and I did, realizing I had taken what was precious to me and squeezed the life right out. I have been living away now since that night. She does not talk or respond to any of my text about what changes have occurred in my life since that night. I have gotten help from SA and am talking to a marriage therapist. I know healing will take time, but I don’t know what my wife is thinking our what her desires are. Should I give her more time? Should I stop telling her about how sorry I am to have been such a terrible husband? I wrote her a letter telling her of my brokenness for my pride and selfish actions over the years. No response. She has told her friends that she is happier now that I am gone. She said that she regrets marring me and should have listened to her friends and family who told her to leave long ago. I know I am a good person who had a problem that I could not fix on my own. The rejection hurts. The pain I caused hurts. I think she is not talking to me out of some kind of reasoning that she does not want to open up to get hurt again. Not sure. Some perspective would be nice. My sobriety is in its early stages, but I have not acted out since leaving that night, and I have found many new friends who are here to support me in walking with a new Power. It is hard though to see your world fall apart and loose everything you love. She separated all of our finances and moved everything to her name except my car and my phone. She told me to deal with that myself. We don’t argue or yell. We never really have. She is at peace. It would be nice if she just told me that she did not want me back or that she was praying for my recovery. Or that we needed more time to decide anything. I think she has given up hope in me and is moving on as if I left her. Why wont she talk to me?


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

JDW,

Your story sends me into flashbacks of my own nightmare. Been married 8 years. Had issues with pornography long before meeting my wife but she didn't know that. The first time she learned about it was within the first few months of being married. I had no idea what sort of hurt it caused her. But we got through it and I committed to ending it. Over the couse of the next 8 years there would be about 4 more times where I would slowly start falling back into it, would get caught, would be truly broken and committed to change. I never stopped trying. Sometimes people just don't get it right on their first try... or second... or third... I can honestly tell you that I finally conquered my demon in July of last year. It was the last time she caught me. I had a moment of clarity like never before and just knew it wasn't an option to fail again. I knew I was losing her. Sadly, the damage had already been done. She left me 3.5 months ago and filed for divorce. She blames it on lots of other issues (communication, respect, needing to "find herself"), but I'm pretty certain alll these things are just symptoms of the internal damage I caused her. She never fully opened up again after the last time... She held it all in rather that opening up and allowing us to deal with it together. We needed counseling. We needed to put a hold on our sex life and work on the emotional connection we had lost. It has consumed her. She is too scared of opening herself up to that kind of pain again. She has given up hope and is just... done...

We did truly share something special at one point. We also share 2 very young children. I also hope that someday she will again be able to see and admire me as she once did. I hope we can be a family again. But right now, i have to accept where she is at. Only time possibly seeing me as a different man will open her heart up to me again.

I do resent her a bit for giving up. I hated my sin. I wanted her to accept this as one of my flaws and help me conquer it. But it was too personal of issue for her. She didn't feel like she should have to help me. I wasn't the perfect man she thought she found. Either way, I'm so glad to be free of the opression of my sin. I don't think about it and when I do it pretty much disgusts me. I will somehow be able to go on. Whether its with her or someone else, i thank God that its not something I have to bring into my next relationship.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about this at all. I'll pray for you.


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## JDW (Jun 20, 2011)

Sounds just like my wife. It hurts so much to loose her. Do you think I sould straight up talk about what she is thinking or wait for her to bring up the next steps? Thanks for your post.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I too was on that road early on in my marriage and I can say it definitely changed her view of me. I saw the devastation on her face and never thought it would hit her that hard if I got caught. I made a serious effort to stop and was mostly succesful, a few questionable websights here and there but often caught myself before getting too deep into it (I still have occasionally used it for the visuals but it is completely empty, it can be used to trigger a little excitement but definitely not satisfying in any way) For her though she felt the intensity I felt for her was dwindled afterwards, but I think it was more the way she looked at me. Enough time had gone by that I thought we were healed from this, but during the recent "gaslighting" she was doing to blame me for her cheating this came back up to the surface for the first time in many years. Its funny though because over the course of our marriage her view of sexuality (and religion) has drastically changed, possiblly matured but amongst all her friends she is the most sexually liberated one and she has probably spent more time viewing porn than I have. I guess pornography for both of us was just one step up the stairway to infidelity, and so I pretty much hate it even though it's so compelling.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So did the p addiction affect your s ex life? 

If she asked you to sign a sep. agreement, it sounds like she is done.

That's good you tried to make an amends via a letter. If you want, you could try one last time reaching out to her saying what changes you have made, what you are doing now to help the addiction, how you know it was wrong, how you can understand how she must have felt neglected, rejected, etc and you realize now you lost a great thing and will do any/everything she asks of you for another chance.

Then the ball is in her court.


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## JDW (Jun 20, 2011)

I was always attracted to her sexually and told her that. I would go to her for sex when I felt the urge to act out. I pestered her about it maybe too much. It was not her fault, but for the last 2 years we have had sex only maybe 10 times. She could not give herself to me in her pain of what she knew I was doing. Sexual rejection and loosing her respect weighed on me always in our relationship. I probably would have turned to porn even if she was giving me all the sex I wanted.


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

JDW said:


> I probably would have turned to porn even if she was giving me all the sex I wanted.


Yes, you would have. I initially thought more sex was the cure. It wasn't. The cure comes from within. You have to HATE what you're doing and see it from a different perspective. You have to see it as an indulgence of selfishness that feeds more selfishness in other areas of your life. The simple act of looking at dirty pictures does not seem very harmful at a surface level. But its a weakness. It controls you. Without even realizing it, influences every aspect of your life.

Some women don't seem to take it as personally as others. Some shrug it off and see it as "just what guys do." (although I realize some women do this as well, I am addressing this from a male perspective) Our wives clearly don't see it that way... Which sucks because of the damage it has caused... But, if my wife had always allowed it, I would have never seen my need for change. I probably would have never seen all the other devastation that came along with it. For that I am thankful. But I sure do regret not being more committed to conquer it years ago.


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