# Talking too much?



## MuleM (Nov 13, 2012)

I'm very curious to hear opinions on this:
(We're polar opposites on the subject in my marriage and neither one of us seems to get where the other is coming from)
My question is: how much do you think is the right amount to involve friends and family in details about your marriage or your husband/wife? 

For example, do you think it's ok to talk with your parents/siblings or friends about:
sordid aspects of your husband's/wife's history 
their bad habits that irritate you or fights or problems in the marriage
medical issues the husband/wife is having
problems going on with spouse's employment 
what your spouse thinks of that friend or family member
etc etc..

And are there some things you would tell your friends or family that you wouldn't tell your husband or wife?

And what about going over the spouse's head and talking to in-laws on one of these topics?

Thanks for any replies!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've been guilty of this on occasion but I'm of the belief that there should be NO talking negatively about your spouse with friends/family.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

I too agree other people should be left out of things in a marriage.
My SO did this with his mother for years and now as a result of her thinking it was ok to be in our marriage she doesn't see any of her grand kids and she hasn't spoke to me in 3 years and my husband for a year. 
Please don't do it.


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## MuleM (Nov 13, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> I too agree other people should be left out of things in a marriage.
> My SO did this with his mother for years and now as a result of her thinking it was ok to be in our marriage she doesn't see any of her grand kids and she hasn't spoke to me in 3 years and my husband for a year.
> Please don't do it.


I agree the consequences can snowball, so sharing especially the struggles is preferably avoided when possible.. (I am the private one in the relationship).
I was hoping to hear stories like this, words of wisdom, of warning, from both sides, so we might hopefully come to an agreement at some point.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

never tell any one out side the marriage anything about the relationship. once a person hears a negative, say a silly arguement between the 2 of you, and you tell your best friend or mother...

they never forget that incident....ever. then they will think they can comment on your relationship, and want to be included on your plans, and dictate how you should or should not fight, make up, twist boundaries, stir the pot--not on purpose, just human nature to look out for the ones we love.

keep all talks happy postive.



edit to add:
there is nothing off limits to talk about to my husband. sex, money, divorce, kids, religon, movies, food, tam, dreams, future adventures. we always talk about our marriage, and see if our views have changed, are we still on the same page about sex, money...us.

these talks stay between us.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

To me, the danger of over-sharing is that what is shared is almost overwhelmingly negative. That's human nature. It's the little (or big) dramas that make conversation. I mean, did you ever hear a story on the evening news about how all the traffic lights worked that day? Nope, you hear about the one that malfunctioned.

It's the same with relationships. Your family and friends remember the fight you had, the underwear on the floor and that weird-looking bump. They don't get the benefit of the apologies and the beautiful flowers or hearing about how your car got warmed up before you went to work or whatever. So the impressions of your spouse over time become increasingly negative. 

Now to be sure, some of these things leak into conversations. But to me, unless there is some imminent crisis that the person you're talking to can do something about--most of the day to day drama needs to just stay at home.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I vent about my wife on this forum, with some rather nasty sh-t
She vents about me to our closest mates, but nothing that p-sses me off too much

I don't know which is worse


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

To me, this is what friends are for. You talk to other people about issues you have and get ideas from them on what to do. It is also good to hear their stories to help relate what other people have gone through or currently deal with. If it is going out for drinks with friends and some things get said (it is well understood that nothing negatively said about SO's is repeated later). If it is a one on one with a close friend or family member the same thing, but it is just more personal. Now I will say it depends on the family member for what I will or wont say. I don't want certain family members to worry and think things are bad, but they can tell overall just from some observations how things are going.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *MuleM said*: And are there some things you would tell your friends or family that you *wouldn't *tell your husband or wife?
> 
> And what about going over the spouse's head and talking to in-laws on one of these topics?


These 2 things... NEVER I take everything to my husband... he is the one I run too with all of my joys, my sorrows, my hopes, my fears, if I am angry... if I am stressed...if I am  at him... he listens & hears me out....He is my







.

If I did complain about him to my Girl friends, Ha ha - they know us so well, they would think I was the ogre. Not him!!

I'd only make myself look bad. He is very loved by all who knows him. I am too, but they all know I am harder to deal with in reality. 

He's never taken anything "bad" about me to anyone else, he is more of a quiet man... he always praises me, even if we had a bad day. He wouldn't let on to the guys at work, for instance...the funny stuff sure- to get a laugh... but not anything that would make me be looked upon in a negative light. 

I am pretty open with my close friends though, there really isn't any subject that is too taboo or forbidden to talk about... that HE would have an issue with me sharing, he trusts my judgement... Just like on this forum, I have his blessing. 

If I did talk about him to someone -I'd tell him all about it as soon as we seen each other again. We like to bounce personal conversations we've had with others - to each other after the fact... this is very common place for us.


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## MuleM (Nov 13, 2012)

waiwera and COGypsy, you took the words out of my mouth.

gbrad: That's the argument I get most often. I see having friends weigh in can be the best way to smooth things over sometimes. What you thought was a big deal turns out to be normal for everyone at times and so on. I guess where we bump heads is--call me paranoid--but when the conversations seem more for effect and not so much getting perspective..as COGypsy mentioned. Then the result of that is you start thinking you shouldn't confide anything that you're not okay with the whole world knowing. And I'd like to be able to have that one confidant 

SimplyAmorous--Sounds like the ideal.
RandomDude too. As long as the two people can agree on where the line is.


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## stonorobert (Dec 4, 2012)

I've been guilty of this on occasion


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