# Discussion with the OM's Wife?



## brettyboo (May 5, 2018)

Hi all,

Following on from my other posted question about contacting the OM, do you reckon a conversation between the betrayed spouses (in my case, the OM's wife) is a good idea?

If so, why, and would you tell the respective wayward spouses first, or just do it?

Thanks for your thoughts!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

brettyboo said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Following on from my other posted question about contacting the OM, do you reckon a conversation between the betrayed spouses (in my case, the OM's wife) is a good idea?
> 
> ...


The OM’s wife deserves to know her husband is/was cheating on her and she would also be a way of checking your wife’s timeline (if she gave you one).
If you are trying to reconcile she would also be of help in keeping track on her husbands whereabouts.
But none of this matters in your case.Your wife has cheated,she doesn’t regret it and she has made it clear to you that she will be having another affair when the time is right.
Has she given you a date yet for when she leaves you for another man?
Your entire thread history stinks of desperation,hopium,and your self esteem/respect is in the gutter.
I speak bluntly here,whether it is a mid life crisis,a sexual rebirth or something else your wife is putting herself in the shop window and her actions are more like a dog in heat than a woman with two young daughters.What kind of example is she showing them about how a woman should behave.
And furthermore what kind of an example are you showing them about what behavior a man will accept from his wife.
People talk about power in a relationship.You have none in yours and until you refuse to accept a wife that *****s around,waving her ass in the air trying to attract any man who wants her,you will always be wringing your hands at home while your wife rubs your nose in it more and more.
Just throw her out ffs.


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## brettyboo (May 5, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> The OM’s wife deserves to know her husband is/was cheating on her and she would also be a way of checking your wife’s timeline (if she gave you one).
> If you are trying to reconcile she would also be of help in keeping track on her husbands whereabouts.
> But none of this matters in your case.Your wife has cheated,she doesn’t regret it and she has made it clear to you that she will be having another affair when the time is right.
> Has she given you a date yet for when she leaves you for another man?
> ...


Thanks Andy,

While your interest in my personal journey is commendable, could we stick on topic? 

I dont just post for my own benefit...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Buddy if ever a man needed advice it’s you. I wasn’t trying to bash you in my post but you are standing by while your wife is destroying your family. If you can’t act for yourself please think of the effect your procrastinating is having on your children.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Just do it. Don't give the waywards advance notice and don't tell them you've done it. You don't want them taking it underground.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would always make sure that the other betrayed spouse knows what an awful person she is married to, but I cant see the point in meeting up. What would you hope to achieve?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

did John Wayne or Clint Eastwood or Chuck Norris ever give anyone any notification or threats or whining or any "....you better...… or else"s??

No, they just did it. 

Velcro your balls back on and just take action. 

Apply that to everything. Talk is cheap. You are what you do, not what you say.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

I missed the r in op's name, thought this was a female every time he posted.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Brettyboo, here's the thing Dawg. When you ask for advice on this site, you're going to get more than just how to temporarily put out the fire. These folks are going to give you the cause and cover how to prevent getting your azz scorched again. Sounds like all you want is to impede the other men and use them as whipping boys for your wife's ally catting around. Just admit your wife has little interest in you and go from there. Hey, she treating you a lot like she'd treat a career. When goals change, frustration and boredom sets in, she started looking around due to inadequate motivation and vision. What you're trying to do is block new job offers. Ain't gonna work my man.


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## brettyboo (May 5, 2018)

Hi all,

Thanks for your thoughts ... I'll pass on the insults ... and would appreciate others thoughts on the topic


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

brettyboo said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Thanks for your thoughts ... I'll pass on the insults ... and would appreciate others thoughts on the topic


You just don’t get it.When someone tries to explain to you what’s happening you take it as an insult.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

brettyboo said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Thanks for your thoughts ... I'll pass on the insults ... and would appreciate others thoughts on the topic


Dude, no one has insulted you. They are offering you valid advice. If you feel insulted, it must be because they are right and you refuse to accept it.


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## brettyboo (May 5, 2018)

I dont need to be told to velcro my balls back on, or that I just dont get it.

Again, could we make this thread abaout the topic? I've found TAM a very useful resource, particularly when the responses stay on track.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Ok, let's stay on topic:

"do you reckon a conversation between the betrayed spouses (in my case, the OM's wife) is a good idea?"

Maybe not a conversation, but blow up the OM's world. Tell the other spouse what you know, they deserve that.

"would you tell the respective wayward spouses first, or just do it?"

That depends, did they consult you before your wife accepted his penis into her vagina? Were you a part of the discussion or did they just do it, because they do not give a **** about you?


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

OP
the insults you refer to around here are known as 2x4's to the head. its an attempt to get you to wake up and see things for what they really are. you are taking it personally instead of recognizing the wisdom and truth in the words.

I would definitely have a chat with the OM's wife. from a perspective of "comparing notes" as to what has been happeing and to let her know what SHE is dealing with.


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## brettyboo (May 5, 2018)

x598 said:


> you are taking it personally instead of recognizing the wisdom and truth in the words.


Sorry if it seems that way, but those responses are from posters who thought it was helpful to respond to my old thread from May and it subsequently hijacked this thread. Appreciate the sentiment behind the words, but I'm simply asking for everyone's benefit to keep a train of thought and discuss the topic. And thanks for your follow up thoughts!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

brettyboo said:


> I dont need to be told to velcro my balls back on, or that I just dont get it.
> 
> .


Actually THAT is exactly what you need to be told. Because it is true. As the previous poster said, they are known as 2x4's to the head. I know I took quite a few head shots when I came her. Because I had my head firmly planted up my rear end. I was (like you are now) too worried about stuff that doesn't matter to understand what was going on.


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## brettyboo (May 5, 2018)

Ynot... certainly feel free to do that in the other thread where those comments are in context. Thanks.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I haven't been there yet. But from what I've seen, it's not a great idea. if you need to inform the OMW then you print your evidence and get it to her. You are doing her no favors. you are the messenger telling her that the kingdom is lost. She will be angry, then suspicious, and then see you as a kindred , then a potential replacement. And that path just leads to pain. Just give her the ammo to mke the POSOM's life hell and walk away. 

The thing about a physical affair is that there are no remaining questions, no wondering what you did wrong, no wondering how far it went, no wondering if she loves you. You are in one of two places. You are angry and disgusted, or you are accepting every bit of it. If you want out then you don't need to talk to the OMW about anything. Just file and SEP (somebody else's problem) If you accept it, then give her the evidence and wreck the affair, then concentrate on your wife, not his.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

brettyboo said:


> Sorry if it seems that way, but those responses are from posters who thought it was helpful to respond to my old thread from May and it subsequently hijacked this thread. Appreciate the sentiment behind the words, but I'm simply asking for everyone's benefit to keep a train of thought and discuss the topic. And thanks for your follow up thoughts!


Wait, she's been cheating since at least May and you're still allowing it? WTH?

Anyhoo, on topic, just call the OM's wife. Today.


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## brettyboo (May 5, 2018)

turnera said:


> Wait, she's been cheating since at least May and you're still allowing it? WTH?


No, the cheating started and ended last year (2017). Discovered earlier this year (2018). NC since discovery.

Thanks for your thought on the topic though


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, then I'm not sure why you want to meet up with the BW. Other than to let her know it happened, if she didn't know.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

brettyboo said:


> No, the cheating started and ended last year (2017). Discovered earlier this year (2018). NC since discovery.
> 
> Thanks for your thought on the topic though


The OM's wife has every right to know what happened, just as you do. Having that knowledge and not sharing it is moral cowardice.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I've never seen where helping hide their affair helps in any way. It very often enables it further or a repeat performance later. I've seen this happen all to often. I got away with it once why not try it again thing.

Consequences for actions is a good thing. 

Most who live in fear think it may push them away but it has the opposite effect if there is a marriage to be saved. If not you've lost nothing anyway.

IN a lot of cases you gain a lot mire info and often the OM throws the wayward under the bus revealing who they really are.

Not to mention the other betrayed spouse maybe living in hell and not know why.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Yes, tell her. Why didn't you tell her as soon as you found out?

This is how you combat the affair and shed light on the blackness of the deed. It's also the right thing to do for the betrayed spouse and one way you can avenge the OM. 

Why isn't this obvious to betrayed spouses?


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## brettyboo (May 5, 2018)

Rick Blaine said:


> Yes, tell her. Why didn't you tell her as soon as you found out? ... Why isn't this obvious to betrayed spouses?


Because nobody knows what to do when it first happens. Nothing is obvious when your reality is turned upside down.


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

brettyboo said:


> Because nobody knows what to do when it first happens. Nothing is obvious when your reality is turned upside down.


I was in your shoes once,my wife cheated with her boss and because we had children I took her back and never let on to anyone else. When she did it again I told everyone,her family,my family,and especially her bosses wife. And I threw her out. 
The biggest regret I have in my life is the years I wasted hoping she had changed. Affairs thrive in the dark, exposure kills them. 
By the way you are getting good advice here but you think you know better. 
Take it from me,you don't.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Robbie1234 said:


> I was in your shoes once,my wife cheated with her boss and because we had children I took her back and never let on to anyone else. When she did it again I told everyone,her family,my family,and especially her bosses wife. And I threw her out.
> The biggest regret I have in my life is the years I wasted hoping she had changed. Affairs thrive in the dark, exposure kills them.
> By the way you are getting good advice here but you think you know better.
> Take it from me,you don't.


Read his other thread, he is clueless. I know what to say. 

If in the end, OP has the courage to come back and tell us what happens in the future, is will be the same old story. 

"The affair never ended, it was always physical. She did the most despicable sexual things with him. She left me today and told me never to contact her again. I am so heart broken" 

But he won't have that courage, just like he does not have the courage to deal with this one now...


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

brettyboo said:


> Rick Blaine said:
> 
> 
> > Yes, tell her. Why didn't you tell her as soon as you found out? ... Why isn't this obvious to betrayed spouses?
> ...


I guess this is a personality thing, because when I found out WH1 cheated, one of my very first thoughts was finding MOW’s husband and telling him. I didn’t need a message board to tell me that. I also wasn’t doing it for any moral reason - I wanted to burn that snatch’s life down.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

This is the wife who had her fun with some guy, lied about it and claimed it wasn't physical, and basically told you she planned on trading you in for someone else one day in the future - but she'd still like to keep you around until that day comes. What a peach.

Then, like most cheaters, she managed to have a nice handy excuse *made* for her **** behavior by some therapist who pulled it right out of his ass for $225 an hour. Apparently she has 'abandonment' issues and a 'fear of missing out on what others might be getting (FOMO)." So, that explains it *all*, now. 

I think I'm suffering from CBTB - can't believe the BULL****. 

Good Lord. What *nonsense* will they think of _next _to excuse cheaters? I guess I'll go have myself an affair, and then I'll plan on ditching my husband in the future for a younger model but I'll use him for his money *now*, while I'm waiting. And if anyone gives me crap for doing it, I'll just tell them it *isn't* my fault - my FOMO and abandonment issues _MADE_ me do it, dammit! 

Tell the OM's wife. Just like you, she has a right to know who she REALLY married. Don't be surprised if you find out in the process that these two liars are still in touch and never went NC.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Bluesclues said:


> I guess this is a personality thing, because when I found out WH1 cheated, one of my very first thoughts was finding MOW’s husband and telling him. I didn’t need a message board to tell me that. I also wasn’t doing it for any moral reason - I wanted to burn that snatch’s life down.


Of course most do. * Unless* they're so preoccupied with doing the _*Pick Me Dance *_that they're too *afraid *to do anything to make their cheater angry with them because they're scared their cheater will walk out on them. Those are usually the types who don't dare 'cross' their WS and will keep their dirty secret FOR them in the hopes of appeasing their cheater.


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## brettyboo (May 5, 2018)

Thanks for the threadjack.

For what it's worth, yes we are likely separate.

Maybe consider how you are not capable of having an objective point of view because you either havent experienced it or have your head wedged so firmly up your proud arse you never took the time to understand it so it doesnt happen to you again.

I'm patient and resilient enough to give a **** about my kids.

F**k you.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

brettyboo said:


> Thanks for the threadjack.
> 
> For what it's worth, yes we are likely separate.
> 
> ...


DUDE.....while you don't like the message...people here are trying to help you. there is a mountain of wisdom from people here who HAVE GONE THROUGH what you are dealing with and they do see it rationally while you admittedly "had your world turned upside down" and believe me you aren't in a position to make good sound decisions because you are emotionally connected to your family and inexperienced in these matters.

too many poster come here, ignore the advice, reconcile, only to later down the road discover other affairs or the affair never stopped. the crappy spouse just learned to play the game better while the betrayed just buried their head in the sand (its called rug sweeping around here). read up and discover it for yourself.


while it may feel like people are bashing you for kicks or trying to punish your for the deeds of their cheating spouse (and maybe to some small percentage that's true) there are many here who don't simply voice their opinion so as to help people avoid the mistakes they made, minimize the pain and trauma you are enduring going through this process and are offering invaluable advice. I suggest you heed it.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

brettyboo said:


> Thanks for the threadjack.
> 
> For what it's worth, yes we are likely separate.
> 
> ...


If you were as brave in real life as you are on the Internet your wife would have more respect for you than to treat you as she does.
You remind me of the old joke about rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.
When you finish your tantrum and finally realize what is happening in your life feel free to come back.You don’t know it yet but you are getting excellent advice but you’re not ready to hear it.
It’s called rug sweeping.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

brettyboo said:


> Thanks for the threadjack.
> 
> For what it's worth, yes we are likely separate.
> 
> ...


I realize that this is all hard for you to hear. What you don't understand you arrogant twit, is that the people here, have BEEN THERE DONE THAT and we know what works and what does not. 

We know because we have lived it, we know because we take the time to help other people who are going though similar things. We know because to get over it, we had to become EXPERTS about infidelity and relationships in general. 

Are you so thick that you cannot understand that?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

brettyboo said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Following on from my other posted question about contacting the OM, do you reckon a conversation between the betrayed spouses (in my case, the OM's wife) is a good idea?
> 
> ...


Yes, because it may give you a lot of clarity on who your W REALLY is. And possibly help the other betrayed spouse in the same way. And give the two of you an ally with a shared experience in each other. (If she does want to talk to you.)

NO ABSOLUTELY DO NOT tell your spouse first. 
Just DO it. 
Of course the wayward spouse will try to talk their spouse out of it. 
Did she inform you of the affair first? C'mon, man!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

brettyboo said:


> I dont need to be told to velcro my balls back on, or that I just dont get it.
> 
> Again, could we make this thread abaout the topic? I've found TAM a very useful resource, particularly when the responses stay on track.


You may, or you may not. 

That's just advice, one of the different ways to say tighten up, make a decision, sh$!p or get of the pot, but to take some positive action that's good for your peace of mind.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

@brettyboo, when you start 3 different threads you have to expect people here to have read all three threads and to connect the dots and to offer advice based on the underlying theme of your posts. They are your posts. 

Rather silly to get upset when people do just that. If you don't like what advice, opinion or views someone has written just ignore them.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

@brettyboo, it is hard to be the BS and try to figure out what the right thing to do is, especially when there are children involved. I've been there.

Do not consult your wife first, just tell her affair partner's wife. She deserves to know her spouse has cheated on her. It would be better for her to know sooner than later, when she gets an STD from her husband, or when an other child is created in an affair.

Be ready for your wife to go ballistic on you when the OM gets in trouble because you told his wife. But that is par for the course.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Araucaria said:


> @brettyboo, it is hard to be the BS and try to figure out what the right thing to do is, especially when there are children involved. I've been there.
> 
> Do not consult your wife first, just tell her affair partner's wife. She deserves to know her spouse has cheated on her. It would be better for her to know sooner than later, when she gets an STD from her husband, or when an other child is created in an affair.
> 
> Be ready for your wife to go ballistic on you when the OM gets in trouble because you told his wife. But that is par for the course.


Not only be ready, but even welcome your wife going ballistic on you. Very simple lesson.... don't do the deed if you can't face the consequences. Having a liar get angry at you for telling the truth should be worn as a badge of honor. 

If she's actually remorseful and properly ashamed of her action, she wouldn't get mad in the first place. It's a good indicator. If she does get mad, it's proof she hasn't changed and you need to show her the door.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

brettyboo said:


> Thanks for the threadjack.
> 
> For what it's worth, yes we are likely separate.
> 
> F**k you.


Ok Bretty, you've directed folks to stick to your question about having a conversation with the OMs wife. You've pretty much rejected any advise on what we believe as taking corrective action. What are you trying to accomplish by talking with the OM's wife? Tell us where the man in your story wants to be, in respect to his marriage, next year at this time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

brettyboo said:


> Because nobody knows what to do when it first happens. Nothing is obvious when your reality is turned upside down.


There's a poster here who came here afraid, wanting to kiss his wife's ass just to keep her. He listened to us, to the point that he exposed, and then literally moved away and cut her out of his life completely. It shattered her - she thought she could do whatever she wanted and still get everything. He proved her wrong. 

She chased after him, chastened. She moved heaven and earth to get him back. Today, they're stronger in marriage than they ever were. All because he listened to us and went completely dark on her, taking back 100% control over his situation. 

We give this advice because we know it works. Do people like you get 2x4s over the head for not listening? Yeah, you do. But it's for a reason: 90% of the people who post advice have LIVED through the same thing you are. And a good 70% of us have been around long enough to have a really strong database of what works and what doesn't. Swift, strong, immediate response to dictate him or me, you have 5 minutes to decide - that's the only thing that works. 

We get it. You don't want any advice other than contacting OW. But you haven't even said WHY you want to contact her? It's hard to give advice if we don't even know why you're asking.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

turnera said:


> We get it. You don't want any advice other than contacting OW. But you haven't even said WHY you want to contact her? It's hard to give advice if we don't even know why you're asking.


Apparently, we're all supposed to tell him _*exactly*_ what he wants to hear or he has a little hissy fit like a teenage boy and tells everyone "**** you!" OP, you must have us mixed up with another infidelity board who *will* be happy to tell you what you want to hear, blow smoke up your ass, delude you and give you all kinds of false hope while patting you on the back and encouraging you to stay with your cheater.

This board ain't it. We deal in *reality* here and we tell it like it is.

Damn. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt....


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

brettyboo said:


> Thanks for the threadjack.
> 
> For what it's worth, yes we are likely separate.
> 
> ...


I didn't think people with usernames like 'brettyboo' were allowed to swear.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Yes tell her, you should have told her when you first found out, poor woman. However as for meeting her, no. Just send her an email, stating all the facts and leave it there. Also do NOT tell either of the cheaters.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

It never seizes to amaze me that when people post questions that deep down the know the answer, and hear the same from others still plays the denial card, because of this belief that if the do nothing the problem will magically resolve itself. Weakness is not a characteristic trait of optimism.


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## brettyboo (May 5, 2018)

To those who have thoughtfully responded:
*
Thank you for helping me understand. This marriage is likely over, and I hope to round out counselling for an amicable separation and co-parent over the next 10 years. I'm under no illusions, it wont be easy at all. My family has been ripped apart. I probably wont marry again.

We are no fault, and there is little settlement or custody difference whether we divorce now or a years time. Everyone knows and has for a long time, including family and friends of both marriages. 

I'm trying to learn as much as possible about this so I can be much wiser and a better partner in future relationships. I'm am not afraid of pain, I'm afraid of not knowing how to become a better person.

This is why I wonder if a conversation with the other parties is useful - not because I have anything to tell them specifically, but for enlightenment. 

So, thank you and I wish you well.

However, to the rest, this won't be pleasant:

I'm not going to be walked over by anyone - not my ****wit of a wife NOR an anonymous online bitter and twisted mob lead by @BluesPower who have grabbed their torches and pitchforks to shame and character assassinate me. 

I didn't come here for more abuse.

Your huge assumptions and projections are of no help to anyone. I dont need yet another 4x2 from you. I dont need another red pill. I dont need careless responses from self-professed relationship "experts" who have burned through a series of relationships because they were too proud to consider what went wrong. And I dont need advice from bitter men who want to see everyone's marriage burn just because their's did.

I've taken tons of info into account without bias, I have never told any of you I am not listening or disputed what you said, and I asked you to stay on topic for everyone's benefit, including mine.

Instead of answering the question, you seem to need to spout your wisdom more than actually help, like you get brownie points licking each others arses, ignoring what I've asked, and tear me apart. You only want to be right, and dont give a **** about what is actually needed.

If you are right, then this entire category of "coping with infidelity" can be replaced with "just GTFO". Maybe there's more to it than that.

I'm not going be a whipping boy to validate the path you chose. I'll choose my own path, and I dont give a **** whether it aligns with yours or whether you approve or not.

If your definition of help is that it is conditional on people agreeing with you, then you can shove your "help" firmly up your arse. 

I am not an asslicker. I do not stand by and accept the unwarranted **** people dish out, whether that's my wife or anyone else. I have serious conditions on my wife's behaviour from here and if she doesnt stick to them she's gone, instantly. She has absolutely turned 180 herself, and is fully committed to repair the ****storm she created. But even that is not enough - if I feel theres anything that indicates that shes not being authentic, we are done.

I am doing my best to understand and give every opportunity for her to turn her pathetic arse around and be present in this family. If she goes there, I'll support her. If she wavers, we're done.

Now in future, maybe drop the self-righteous judgement and character assassination, @BluesPower in particular, and just answer the question like any other internet forum. If you can't do that, then **** off.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

brettyboo said:


> This is why I wonder if a conversation with the other parties is useful - not because I have anything to tell them specifically, but for enlightenment.


Oh, but you do have something to tell!

That aside, enlightenment itself is a great reason to share. Everybody deserves enlightenment. Above all, the OM's wife deserves the same enlightenment you have had. Deliberately leaving her in the dark when you have seen the light is a foul.

I'm genuinely sorry for the pain you have endured, and will likely continue to endure for some time. That said, if you really want to start being a better person, on of the actions you must take is to fulfill your moral obligation to a fellow betrayed spouse.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Holy ****. Adios and take your ****s and ****wits with you.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

brettyboo said:


> However, to the rest, this won't be pleasant:


I'm afraid you may have confused this as some sort of Burger King operation where you get it your way. Here, you don't get it your way. You 
take it our way or you're SOL.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

brettyboo said:


> To those who have thoughtfully responded:
> *
> Thank you for helping me understand. This marriage is likely over, and I hope to round out counselling for an amicable separation and co-parent over the next 10 years. I'm under no illusions, it wont be easy at all. My family has been ripped apart. I probably wont marry again.
> 
> ...


You know, you are so far off base with every single thing you have written on all of your posts. 

And why single me out, I only called you out for being rude to people trying to help you. I said the same thing that everyone has said to you. 

I do wish you luck in the future, frankly I don't think your next relationship will turn out much better, but I do wish you luck... Because brother, you are going to need it...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Oh, but you do have something to tell!
> 
> That aside, enlightenment itself is a great reason to share. Everybody deserves enlightenment. Above all, the OM's wife deserves the same enlightenment you have had. Deliberately leaving her in the dark when you have seen the light is a foul.
> 
> ...


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

brettyboo said:


> Now in future, maybe drop the self-righteous judgement and character assassination, @BluesPower in particular, and just answer the question like any other internet forum. If you can't do that, then **** off.


But they did answer your questions, you just don't like their answers.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

@brettyboo I mean no disrespect but are you on the spectrum?


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

brettyboo said:


> To those who have thoughtfully responded:
> *
> Thank you for helping me understand. This marriage is likely over, and I hope to round out counselling for an amicable separation and co-parent over the next 10 years. I'm under no illusions, it wont be easy at all. My family has been ripped apart. I probably wont marry again.
> 
> ...


Wait, what? So the OBS already knows about the affair and you are asking if their would be a benefit to having a deeper conversation with her? I want to stay on topic, but boy, you have some really poor communication skills if that is the case. How would anyone read your original post and understand what you were really asking? It reads like you are asking if you should tell her. Everyone responds saying you should tell her - not once did you jump in and say “hey guys, she already knows, I am asking if I should communicate with her to get a better understanding of what happened.” Instead you keep asking people to stay on topic and not pull in from your other post (which I haven’t read btw) and eventually have a meltdown. 

If the above statement of “everybody knows...including family and friends of both marriages” means the OBS already knows (and you know first hand that she knows) - then no, I don’t think there is a benefit to speaking with her further. You won’t gain enlightenment for your current marriage or future relationships from it. 

If she doesn’t know already then yes, there is a lot to gain by telling her. 

You would avoid a lot of frustration on your side and posters here if you communicated clearly. Is that an issue in other areas of your life? Honestly, that is where I would start to look whether you reconcile or split.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

brettyboo said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Following on from my other posted question about contacting the OM, do you reckon a conversation between the betrayed spouses (in my case, the OM's wife) is a good idea?
> 
> ...


*Do it discreetly and unemotionally! 

Do not blow your cover nor whatever cards you've been dealt! And stay stealth until such time that you've completed all of your due investigations of the cheating entity! 

Once that's duly been done and you have all of your information in hand, then strike like the Second Coming of Christ!*


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

@brettyboo, now that you have clarified that you already have spoken with OMW, and you just want to speak with her in greater detail, only you can answer that for yourself.

More details will only torment you more. Knowledge is power, but more knowledge of something that is already a slam dunk (both of you and OMW already know they had an affair) is just self torture, IMO. I would say that since your wife is remorseful and you have a plan for how your R will look along with resolve to send her packing if she breaks your rules, then give yourself a break and don't get any more details.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

@brettyboo

If the OMW doesn’t know then tell her, knowing can help to ease her mind from the what if’s. If she already knows, then why talk. Maybe I’m wrong, but I can’t help but think this is a test for your wife to see if she gets mad. I hope I’m wrong. As for @BluesPower, he hasn’t really stated anything other posters haven’t said. I might be off base here, but do you really know why some posters sling a 2X4? It’s not to hurt, it’s not to insult, it’s for you to begin thinking, clearly thinking. @BluesPower has not agreed with every part of my reconciliation, in fact I know it just leaves him with his head shaking at times, but I know we could have dinner together and depart shaking hands with mutual respect. 

I see your anger here, I’ve felt it myself, I’ve gone off on posters here, in the end it’s you that you have to face in the mirror. Ultimately this is your decision to make, yours alone, and to hell with what anyone posts. That’s right, to hell with what anyone posts. One who seeks advice must also remember that we are all different, may think different from you, but like you said some offer pretty good advice. @BluesPower may be surprised by this, but he has also given me very good advice, different yet intelligent responses. @sokillme is another, read their posts cautiously, because both will make you think very deeply into yourself. My best to you brettyboo, I hope you find peace and happiness.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I’ve read through two of your threads and have no idea what’s going on. Take the advice you think can help and ignore the rest. But remember, you catch more flies with sugar than salt.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, the reason you get so many telling you to dump her is that only about 15% of marriages make it through infidelity when the wife cheats. The vast majority of the ones that don’t make it, divorce is almost immediate.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> The OM's wife has every right to know what happened, just as you do. Having that knowledge and not sharing it is moral cowardice.


I agree.
Having something to say and not saying it, is killing your unborn self.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Btw, the reason you get so many telling you to dump her is that *only about 15% of marriages make it through infidelity when the wife cheats*. The vast majority of the ones that don’t make it, divorce is almost immediate.


I'd like to take the time to thank God that I am NOW in the 85%, thanks to TAM.
Trying to stay in that 15% was unimaginable hell!

Oh Yea OP.....expose, I did. It started my path to freedom and a meaningful life.


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

How did she take it


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Betty Boo ,

I am truly sorry this has happened to you and
your family. You are not at fault here.Your wife
is entirely the one. If she was unhappy she could
have divorced and then found someone else.
She wanted to have her cake and eat it to.
Totally selfishness on her part. 

Finding out that your SO has betrayed you with 
someone else can be very traumatic. Some people 
experience PTSD symptoms. Confusion about why,
what to do now, and then the spouse will probably
try to blame shifting. Exposure is a start to healing 
and moving on. The Om's wife has every right to
know. She and her kids (if any ) have been betrayed also.
There is also the possibility that this is not the Om
first affair. 

If you stay or go that is entirely up to you. Your life
your choice. 

Hope you are taking care of yourself and doing well.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

brettyboo said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Following on from my other posted question about contacting the OM, do you reckon a conversation between the betrayed spouses (in my case, the OM's wife) is a good idea?
> 
> ...


Looks like this already happened so I'm withdrawing my comments.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

brettyboo said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Following on from my other posted question about contacting the OM, do you reckon a conversation between the betrayed spouses (in my case, the OM's wife) is a good idea?
> 
> ...


Saying anything to either wayward ahead of time accomplishes nothing of value for you.

Unless, that is, you WANT to give them the opportunity to spin, distort, and outright lie.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> I'd like to take the time to thank God that I am NOW in the 85%, thanks to TAM.
> Trying to stay in that 15% was unimaginable hell!
> 
> Oh Yea OP.....expose, I did. It started my path to freedom and a meaningful life.


Do we get any credit? I took you a long time to get there, for a long time you wanted to be in that 15%.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Do we get any credit? I took you a long time to get there, for a long time you wanted to be in that 15%.


Absolutely you get credit. As well as others here. I don't think you are hard enough on BS.
I now try to be the voice of reason to other BS.
The real questions seems to boil down to this for me.
"How much time of your precious life are you willing to throw away?"
I'm 54, I missed 20+ years......don't be me!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

He's licking his wounded sack in the corner like a beat dog.

Otherwise he spends the rest of his time telling his skank wife HE is sorry for making her have an affair. Everything is fine now...kiss and make up.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

180,

Since his wife is an accomplice in his crime she should also be exposed as she is an enabler.

Gather all the professional and personal contacts of every kind for the OM expose all at once and without warnings or threats. Press a lawsuit against him as well. Do the same to his wife.

Alternately you can give her a year to divorce him.

Tamat


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> Absolutely you get credit. As well as others here. I don't think you are hard enough on BS.
> I now try to be the voice of reason to other BS.
> The real questions seems to boil down to this for me.
> "How much time of your precious life are you willing to throw away?"
> I'm 54, I missed 20+ years......don't be me!





> I don't think you are hard enough on BS.


Really??!! :surprise:

It really wasn't me but the culture of truth on this site. Not just me but lot's of posters here just speak the truth, no matter how painful, and the truth will set you free. 

Truthfully, it's like I always say, we should be doing everything we can to empower people who are in your situation to help you get out of it. 

I am glad you did. You still have a lot of life left.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

One Eighty said:


> I had a hard time finding the OM's wife bc I was pretty sure my WW would freak if she knew I was going to reach out to her. I was able to keep WW in the dark so she could not warn her AP. I finally found the OM's wife on fB. I reached out as soon as I did. I sent her a private message about what had been going on.
> 
> Even though the OM had been caught at least 6 times before, the BW reacted angrily, calling me a liar and saying I was trying to extort money out of them. I found out later this OM was forced to pay off a few other APs to avoid having his licence revoked. He was prone to seducing patients.
> 
> ...


Why do you call her your WW and not exWW?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Really??!! :surprise:
> 
> It really wasn't me but* the culture of truth on this site*. Not just me but lot's of posters here just speak the truth, no matter how painful, and the truth will set you free.
> 
> ...


So true.
I have been on another site trying to spread truth to help hurting BS.
I'm just getting called "obnoxious"
"Your post didn't seem like you were encouraging support to others but only to make them believe that they will fail."
They don't want to hear the truth.
But i'm determined to help at least one.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

One Eighty said:


> Well the above was written in the past tense. She was, at the time, a WW. I believe that is not what you meant though.
> 
> You probably mean why to I still call her my WW on my own thread (The Charade) when talking in the present tense. I guess it could be:
> 
> ...


Speaking of truth. 

You're wasting your life. If your marriage is a charade then so is your life to some extent.


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## Dragan Jovanovic (Jan 16, 2019)

Oh boy,this one is a real piece of work.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Dragan Jovanovic said:


> Oh boy,this one is a real piece of work.


Yup.
More times than not the clown won't leave the circus until the ringmaster say's "You're fired"


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

I contacted the cheaters wife. She said she'd call back - she never did. I sms'd her some facts and then posted her at work the most damning of the emails he sent my EXW (exwhatever). She kept silent and a month later the Cops showed with an attend court notice and a copy of his statement to court seeking an AVO against me. I always wondered what happened behind four walls at their house.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Horizon said:


> I contacted the cheaters wife. She said she'd call back - she never did. I sms'd her some facts and then posted her at work the most damning of the emails he sent my EXW (exwhatever). She kept silent and a month later the Cops showed with an attend court notice and a copy of his statement to court seeking an AVO against me. I always wondered what happened behind four walls at their house.


WOW Holy Crap.
Talk about denial!
You did the right thing.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Horizon said:


> I contacted the cheaters wife. She said she'd call back - she never did. I sms'd her some facts and then posted her at work the most damning of the emails he sent my EXW (exwhatever). She kept silent and a month later the Cops showed with an attend court notice and a copy of his statement to court seeking an AVO against me. I always wondered what happened behind four walls at their house.


Did the cat have reasonable grounds for a AVO? In my mind there are only two reasons to contact the cheaters wife, 1. revenge, and 2. trying to bang her. They can usually be combined into one.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Yes, he did bc I rolled out a few messages about spreading the word far and wide to his family and friends - not to mention telling his wife that I'd had a blood test & so should she; seeing it was all unprotected (all true btw). It was a revenge act for sure. I believe she was turning a blind eye to his behavior and was in effect an enabler. I was glad he had to go through some angst; it was the least that mongrel deserved. PS: the magistrate threw out the AVO bc he didn't show up to court.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Horizon said:


> I contacted the cheaters wife. She said she'd call back - she never did. I sms'd her some facts and then posted her at work the most damning of the emails he sent my EXW (exwhatever). She kept silent and a month later the Cops showed with an attend court notice and a copy of his statement to court seeking an AVO against me. I always wondered what happened behind four walls at their house.


 How did that turn out? Did he file for the AVO solely because you sent the Email?


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