# my husband cant cope,now i wanna leave. do i???



## DontWannaLeaveHim

so in april of 2008 my husband's brother was killed by a drunk driver, then in oct. 2008 his younger brother his only other sibling overdosed on drugs. in may 2009 he got in a fight with his mom and didnt talk to her again until jan. 2010. he still is tryin to cope with the death of his brothers, he uses it as an excuse to do whatever he wants. he can be mean and angry because "my brothers died" he can drink and do drugs even tho he is currently in therapy for being an alcoholic and a herion addict because "my brothers died" he can sleep whenever he isnt at work because "my brothers died" he can be up his mom ass and completely ignore me because "she needs me. my brothers died." i could go on 4ever! he spent 45 days in jail for retail fraud and got out in january, jail is when he started talking to his mom again. it was the 5th time he spent a significant amount of time in jail since we got together 5 years ago, yet he is still doing the same things. he also may go for 30 days on april 5th. throughout our relationship he has been physical with me about 9 times, and probably would have been during our fight a few days ago if i hadnt have left. i truly believe he has changed and turned into this mean angry person because he lost his brothers. i love him very much and i want to support him and help him get through this but it doesnt seem like he is trying to get any better. this is not the marriage i wanted or the kind of life i signed up for or the way i wanted my 3 year old and 8 month old to live. do i leave like i think i should or do i continue trying to stick it out even tho i am totally miserable? my heart is totally broken any advice?


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## Blanca

I think you should leave. he's exposing your kids to some very damaging behavior. there is a group called alanon that you might want to look into. its a free peer lead group for family and friends of alcoholics. its a good place to find support and reassurance for what you are going through.


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## swedish

A lot of tragedy in such a short time. I can see his mom needing him being her only child left. I can imagine this would be a very difficult time for him and for you trying to keep it all together.

The bigger issue is that it sounds as though he has had drug/legal problems throughout your relationship and been physical with you nine times...that right there is a show-stopper and the only sound advice I'd feel comfortable giving you is to get out and try to raise your children in a safe environment.

Ten years from now his brothers will still be gone...it is a sad situation but you and your children should not have to pay the price of a safe, happy home because of this tragedy.


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## turnera

You should leave. 

If he DOES ever get help, it will happen because you have stopped propping him up and protecting him from himself.

Please don't keep your precious children in such a toxic environment. If he wants to be part of their lives again, he can get the help he needs and work to earn the right.


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## gtull1

Physical 9 times? Ummm..... run!!


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## Foxyroxy

DontWannaLeaveHim said:


> so in april of 2008 my husband's brother was killed by a drunk driver, then in oct. 2008 his younger brother his only other sibling overdosed on drugs. in may 2009 he got in a fight with his mom and didnt talk to her again until jan. 2010. he still is tryin to cope with the death of his brothers, he uses it as an excuse to do whatever he wants. he can be mean and angry because "my brothers died" he can drink and do drugs even tho he is currently in therapy for being an alcoholic and a herion addict because "my brothers died" he can sleep whenever he isnt at work because "my brothers died" he can be up his mom ass and completely ignore me because "she needs me. my brothers died." i could go on 4ever! he spent 45 days in jail for retail fraud and got out in january, jail is when he started talking to his mom again. it was the 5th time he spent a significant amount of time in jail since we got together 5 years ago, yet he is still doing the same things. he also may go for 30 days on april 5th. throughout our relationship he has been physical with me about 9 times, and probably would have been during our fight a few days ago if i hadnt have left. i truly believe he has changed and turned into this mean angry person because he lost his brothers. i love him very much and i want to support him and help him get through this but it doesnt seem like he is trying to get any better. this is not the marriage i wanted or the kind of life i signed up for or the way i wanted my 3 year old and 8 month old to live. do i leave like i think i should or do i continue trying to stick it out even tho i am totally miserable? my heart is totally broken any advice?


I most certainly can identify with how you feel, although our situations are a bit different I feel the same way as you do about loving your husband but feeling you can't go on. I don't have the answers but I keep hoping that something is going to give my husband a shake before its to late. I think each of us has to do what we have to in order to suvive and grief is not an excuse to be horrible to others. Hope things go better for you sooner rather than later.


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## Powerbane

You need to ask him at some point if wants to continue to live in the past with all of the pain or if he wants to be the best Dad he can for the children. 

Like any typical alcoholic or drug abuser - he is currently in his own world in fog. Do you have anywhere to go that is safe?

You should also be getting some help with something like Al-anon because they will teach you how to handle some of this behavior. 

You also probably need to stand up for yourself and let him know that you and the kids are not going to put up with this type of behavior any longer. Set your boundaries and one that needs to be set ASAP is do not bring the drinks and drugs around you or the kids. The next is that you will not allow him to sit and wallow and make excuses why he is doing his self destructive behavior. He needs to stop living in the pain of the past - yes - your brothers are dead - HEY YOU ARE STILL ALIVE and you have a family that cares and loves you! 

I wish you well - and by all means have a safe place to escape to if this does become violent.


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## vegbox

this sounds awful. i dont think you deserve it at all.


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## Foxyroxy

If you believe that your husbands behviours are directly linked to his grieving then I would try and get him some help in dealing with his grief. Its possible that a outsider could alert your husband as to what he is doing to his family before it is to late? My personal belief is you try everything you can to save your marriage as divorce is extremely difficult on the entire family.


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## Shiksagoddess

Your husband doesn't want support ... he wants a punching bag.

His reasons for his abusive behavior are ridiculous and selfish.

Although divorce is tough on a family, so is living in fear and with violence.

Unless you enjoy this behavior, leave while you still can. You don't have to divorce him, just leave to where it's safe.

Maybe this will wake him up. Maybe not. He doesn't seem to be the type to learn from his mistakes, hence the multiple jail sentences.

Good luck - it sounds like you need it.

-the shiksagoddess


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