# How to talk to your wife



## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

Okay folks,

Seems my communication skills are lacking.

Married 20 years, three teens, busy lives and work schedules.

My wife indicated to me the other night, that she tested me. We went out for dinner, and she did not initiate conversation. It was a rather quiet meal. I thought is was great! I guess I have gotten out of the habit of speaking to her as a friend, not sure when or how this happened. 

Any advice on how to get back into the habit of just chatting with her? I don't usually have this issue with other people.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Schedule it, and use tools. I have found that setting aside Monday evening and reading through His Needs Her Needs together really helps my hubby and I connect. He doesn't get as much out of it as I do, but he does it because he knows it's important to me. We had a long hiatus and recently started up again, and it really is important to me.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

That sounds like a very lonely dinner😢

Did you use to talk and as life went by it gradually drifted off or have you never enjoyed talking? Are you looking for things to talk about? 

We talk about everything. Books we are reading, sports, current events, bucket lists, dreams and wishes for the future, music, restaurants we'd like to try, meals we'd like to learn how to cook at home, his job, office politics, home repair, crazy neighbor, movies, places we'd like to see.

We do have the rule of no talking about the kids when we are on a date.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Conversation is one of those things that, for many women, helps build real emotional connection. So it's good you are realizing that she feels unloved when you're silent. She wants you to pay attention to her, and to care enough about her to talk to her like you probably did when the two of you were dating. That your dates are silent unless she initiates conversation may make her feel like you're just really not that in to her. 

Ask about her - her day, her feelings, her dreams, her intentions, her hobbies, her plans for the future. Don't just ask yes or no questions or ones with a definitive answer. Ask leading questions that encourage her to talk. Talk to her about your own feelings, dreams, plans. She's after interaction, so try to remain engaged in the conversation. Basically, pretend she's someone you're out on a date with and would like to know better and more intimately. Because, hopefully, that's exactly what she is. 

If you don't have an issue talking to other people, figure out why it's a problem with her. Is she just boring? Do you already know everything about her? Are you just no longer interested enough in her to really want to have a conversation? Then figure out how to address whatever that issue is.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

bbrad said:


> Okay folks,
> 
> Seems my communication skills are lacking.
> 
> ...


:rofl:

Sorry but found this funny. The little differences between men and women. 

With years in marriage it can be hard to keep the communication lines open. Here is what I used to do. I would, during my day, just keep one or two things that happened to me in the back of my mind to share with her and she would do the same. Every night when we both got home we would spend 15-30 minutes, while I cooked dinner, just talking about our day. Yes it does get a bit mundane to keep talking about work and kids but it's still good connection time.

Another one we always used on trips or with long drives was to get a book of questions believe it or not. Some or simple and others are deeply philosophical questions. They can be fun to spur conversation Can get them on amazon


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Its a easy trap to fall into. Things that have worked for me is to cut out calling her during the day so that I would have something to say when I got home from work. Now when she talks to me at home I turn off the tv or put my Ipad down and focus on what she is saying. She tells me I dont have to turn off the TV and I tell her she is way more intresting than anything on TV. When you know you are going outthink of things to discuss before hand. Ask her questions about things you know she is intrested in and really listen.

We are mom and dad far so long we forget how to be husband and wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I find this fascinating...this is probably the #1 issue in my marraige if you were to ask me. 

My H, like you, most likely feels a giant sense of relief when we have a long awkwardly quiet meal together. I can tell that he feels it a burden to talk to me to the level that I would like...and it hurts! A whole lot!

I am like your wife (and probably most other woman) and need some kind of intimate conversation to feel a connection to my husband. Of course during our dating years it came easily and he seemed delighted to be in my company and talk to me about everything and anything. As time wore on it got quieter and quieter...until now, it's pretty much silent. 

Here's the crazy part, if you want a glimpse into how your wife's mind may work: I don't want to force him to be my friend. I feel like, if he wanted to talk to me and confide in me, he would. Clearly he A) doesn't desire to share with me and B) doesn't have that same level of need as I do. 

So I have considerable trouble forcing the issue. I do take it personally. Clearly he talks to other people all day long...we both work outside the home and have a life outside of each other. What I don't understand and wish he'd tell me is - why is it easy for him to communicate with others, and not with me? 

I would like nothing more than to know if there's something I am doing or not doing that could change this dynamic, but every attempt that I have made to approach him about it has backfired in my face!

So, you can look up conversation starters and mingling topics in books and online. There's plenty of that information out there. But I would always rather hear my husband talk to me about something that makes him more human and less like the front page of CNN. Things like - what projects he is working on at work, any good news/bad news from his latest meetings and clients and colleagues. What he wants for his future, and our future together. What he dreams about (literally and figuratively), what worries him, what he likes in our current life and what he wants more of. Etc. That's a pipe dream in my world!


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## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

Thanks for the replies,
I'll look into the his needs her needs books, as well as the conversation starter ideas.
We probably have a combination of issues running into each other at the same time. I am going to make an effort to fix this.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

bbrad said:


> Thanks for the replies,
> I'll look into the his needs her needs books, as well as the conversation starter ideas.
> We probably have a combination of issues running into each other at the same time. I am going to make an effort to fix this.


Awesome!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

kag123 said:


> I am like your wife (and probably most other woman) and need some kind of intimate conversation to feel a connection to my husband. Of course during our dating years it came easily and he seemed delighted to be in my company and talk to me about everything and anything. As time wore on it got quieter and quieter...until now, it's pretty much silent.
> 
> Here's the crazy part, if you want a glimpse into how your wife's mind may work: I don't want to force him to be my friend. I feel like, if he wanted to talk to me and confide in me, he would. Clearly he A) doesn't desire to share with me and B) doesn't have that same level of need as I do.
> 
> ...


In my experience as a husband, when every conversation started being all about her was when I stopped talking. I get that people need to vent after a bad day from time to time, but when every conversation is about how you're a victim in some way, how your life should be better in some way, how stupid other people are, how other husbands are better at this or that, then it isn't really a conversation, is it? It's a demonstration of how a person can be too self involved. What a turn off! 

I think in her mind she thought she was being a leader by being so discriminating and proactive, as if that was an indication of higher standards and quality. It isn't. It's an indication of not being able to count your blessings. And we are certainly in the top 10-20% income wise so it's not like I'm saying that she should be happy to live in a hovel because its better than living under a freeway overpass! 

I would welcome a real conversation about things not tied to our mundane personal experiences. I can also talk about our kids, but I don't need to obsess about it. The youngest is 18. He doesn't require extreme micromanagement any more. 

So I don't talk to her much because its always a chore to do so. Any conversation will turn into a complaint (from her) or a task for me. Never anything fun or interesting. It's all just business. 

On the other hand, talking to people at work is almost always more satisfying. There's no sense of burden involved.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Sounds like you two may have fell into the "Parent Trap". Are one or both of you constantly running kids all over the world to sports events, practices and other activities? Does it feel like the two of you live to serve the kids only? That's a very dangerous mindset to have. If I'm correct, you enjoyed the quiet because you didn't have to field a million questions or demands from a quick paced day. Your wife, OTOH, may be craving attention at the end of the day because she doesn't have another adult to connect to if she's a SAHM. 

Sounds like you two were letting life get in the way of your marriage.

Things to talk about. Of course you can talk about kids, but you need to change that up too. Reminisce about old times when you two were dating. Talk about current events. Ask about how her day went. Talk about up coming plans for your next few dates. Try to plan a weekend for two without the kids and surprise her with it. Just a few things to try to talk about. One thing for sure though, if the two of you don't get a minimum amount of quality time together, just the two of you, then work to fix this.

Food for thought. If your kids are in 1001 activities, strongly consider paring down the list. I know a lot of parents think their kids are the next great phenom in whatever sport they obsess over. Chances are, your kid isn't that good. Unless there is a serious chance at a college scholarship in their sport of interest, consider telling the kid "no more" if the kid likes the sport but sucks at it. Try to keep the activities to no more than one per kid per season. Maybe they can play baseball and basketball, but no other sports or activities that would overlap those two sports.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

bbrad said:


> Okay folks,
> 
> Seems my communication skills are lacking.
> 
> ...


Did this situation lead you two try to fix it? I have read that women have an actual NEED to dispel thousands more words on a daily basis than men. Right there is a problem for all of us :scratchhead:


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: How to talk to your wife*



VermisciousKnid said:


> In my experience as a husband, when every conversation started being all about her was when I stopped talking. I get that people need to vent after a bad day from time to time, but when every conversation is about how you're a victim in some way, how your life should be better in some way, how stupid other people are, how other husbands are better at this or that, then it isn't really a conversation, is it? It's a demonstration of how a person can be too self involved. What a turn off!
> 
> I think in her mind she thought she was being a leader by being so discriminating and proactive, as if that was an indication of higher standards and quality. It isn't. It's an indication of not being able to count your blessings. And we are certainly in the top 10-20% income wise so it's not like I'm saying that she should be happy to live in a hovel because its better than living under a freeway overpass!
> 
> ...


Thats a good response. Much more helpful than a disinterested shrug that doesn't help solve the problem. 
Have you ever told your wife these exact words that you wrote above? 
I would hope my H doesnt feel the same way about me....but if he did more than anything I would wish he would be blunt and honest about it so I could have a chance to change my behavior instead of having him shut me out. 

I, too, find that my H is much more willing to open up if I bring up an inconsequential topic...such as the Rwandan genocide or the plot of a recent TV show. Which is fine...I can chat about all of that stuff, but it's hard for me to genuinely engage in (what I see as) frivolous conversation when there are bigger matters at hand between us. For example, we have two young kids so a planned night away is really the only chance we get to discuss our actual life circumstances without interruption. His opinion is valuable to me about those things...so I would much rather spend our little bit of alone time talking about those things than talking about the water cooler topics that I can discuss with any one of my coworkers on Monday.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

kag123 said:


> Thats a good response. Much more helpful than a disinterested shrug that doesn't help solve the problem.
> Have you ever told your wife these exact words that you wrote above?
> I would hope my H doesnt feel the same way about me....but if he did more than anything I would wish he would be blunt and honest about it so I could have a chance to change my behavior instead of having him shut me out.
> 
> I, too, find that my H is much more willing to open up if I bring up an inconsequential topic...such as the Rwandan genocide or the plot of a recent TV show. Which is fine...I can chat about all of that stuff, but it's hard for me to genuinely engage in (what I see as) frivolous conversation when there are bigger matters at hand between us. For example, we have two young kids so a planned night away is really the only chance we get to discuss our actual life circumstances without interruption. His opinion is valuable to me about those things...so I would much rather spend our little bit of alone time talking about those things than talking about the water cooler topics that I can discuss with any one of my coworkers on Monday.


I tried. Unfortunately conversations with her are of the one sided variety, as in we'll talk about the issue, then we'll all agree to do it my way and call it a compromise. So what is the point of a conversation when you know that your opinions aren't valued? She used to say that we make a good team, but in truth, her vision was that of boss and employee. I used to go along with that stuff, but I don't anymore. 

With respect to having young kids, I agree that there's a lot to cover there so that you are both on the same page, so a lot of that talk is necessary. However what I witnessed in my case and with some of my peers is that the moms tend to go into this queen bee mode where they perceive that their primary role is being the best mom they can be to the exclusion of all else. It's excessive. 

Men in these situations become the third wheel, the pack mule, the muscle. The women become the stars, the planners, the attention seekers. It's a screwed up dynamic. Moms at the top, then kids, and dads a distant third.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

kag123 said:


> Thats a good response. Much more helpful than a disinterested shrug that doesn't help solve the problem.
> Have you ever told your wife these exact words that you wrote above?
> I would hope my H doesnt feel the same way about me....but if he did more than anything I would wish he would be blunt and honest about it so I could have a chance to change my behavior instead of having him shut me out.
> 
> I, too, find that my H is much more willing to open up if I bring up an inconsequential topic...such as the Rwandan genocide or the plot of a recent TV show. Which is fine...I can chat about all of that stuff, but it's hard for me to genuinely engage in (what I see as) frivolous conversation when there are bigger matters at hand between us. For example, we have two young kids so a planned night away is really the only chance we get to discuss our actual life circumstances without interruption. His opinion is valuable to me about those things...so I would much rather spend our little bit of alone time talking about those things than talking about the water cooler topics that I can discuss with any one of my coworkers on Monday.


Another thought. Have you ever had a discussion with your H about what you think your role should be as parents?

Is one of you stepping in before your child can fail and the other wanting to hold back and see how they learn from failure?

Is one of you cautious about trying new things and the other more adventurous? 

Is one of you displaying bad habits (drinking to excess or smoking) and the other not?

Is one of you status driven and the other could care less?

Is one of you academically inclined and the other not?

I can see these being wedge issues if you don't get a handle on them, especially if you have the final say in all situations.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Many good comments here but I'll leave a simple one that I found very helpful in life in general. Never talk to anyone. Talk with them.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, if you are not your wife's best friend, you are probably doing it wrong!


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## SailBadTheSinner (Apr 7, 2014)

After work talk with the now ex. Her: "how did your day go? Do you know what Billy did. Your daughter needs you to help with her homework to night. The price of ground beef is horrible. I asked you to fix theghhhhhhhuioookjj, etc etc etc. (Continue like this for at least 15 minutes with occasional breath breaks.). Any reply begins the do loop again. 

So I just got trained to STFU.

Decided to divorce after the kids left for college. Last straw was when she followed me out into the driveway yelling at me like an Irish fish monger's wife. 

My wife now is an engineer and we talk with each other all the time.

So the take away is . . .Maybe it's her.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Not to hijack the thread but I really do have a vested interest in this topic and would like to know how things turn out for the OP and what steps he takes to remedy the situation. 

I don't know why my H won't converse with me freely. I have delved into this for years now...reading books, talking to him about it, NOT talking to him about it....being light hearted and funny with him to lighten the mood, being serious. I can't crack him.

A page out of my life from this weekend which is a good example of our dynamic:

I asked my H if we could go on a date (out to dinner, without the kids). There was a restaurant we hadn't been to in awhile that we had both wanted to go back to. He mentioned that the restaurant was kid - friendly and they would probably enjoy coming with us, and it would be hard to find a babysitter for that weekend. Which was true. I said OK - as long as you promise we can still treat it as a date! Our kids are well behaved and old enough to keep themselves entertained while we talk and eat dinner. 

I told him as something fun, come up with some convo topics for tonights dinner. Anything at all. I said - you pick five and I will pick five and we'll see how it plays out at dinner. 

That morning we had run errands together. He had a cold and I knew he wasn't feeling 100% when he woke up that morning so I told him he could stay home and rest and I would take the kids and run the errands. He didnt want to stay home. By the time we got done the errands we were trying to get the car unloaded, the kids wanted lunch, and a few other things needed to happen right.this.minute. I don't even remember what we were talking about at that moment but all of a sudden he looked at me, raised his voice and said "God! Can't you just leave me alone!! I don't want to talk to you anymore!!" I was stunned and went silent. 

I get he was not feeling well and I think it was hitting him hard after all the running around we had done (he shouldve stayed home like I offered). So he probably didn't mean it. But, it hurt. I took over the rest of the chores and told him to go in the bedroom and take a nap. I think he knew he hurt me but he didnt say anything. He went in the bedroom and within 2 mins was asleep. 

A few hours later he woke up and came out to me. He sat next to me and apologized. He said sorry for raising his voice, that was it. I told him what he said hurt my feelings and if that's how he really feels I will leave him alone. He just hugged me and then got up to do something else and told me he felt a lot better after the nap. 

Dinner time rolled around and I told him that I would have no problem taking the kids to dinner (they were excited for it) and he could stay home and I would bring food home for him. Considering he didnt feel good and I wanted the time away from him after what he'd said. He pouted and got upset that I would even suggest leaving him out so we all went together as originally planned. 

At dinner there was no mention by him of any of his cute date night convo topics. The kids were well behaved as always, quiet and spent the time talking to each other. I tried a few of my topics on him...I never made any big announcement like "here we go, we are talking now" but I brought up some current events from the news, some funny things I'd heard at work, some deeper topics like vacation plans for the summer and school stuff for the kids...nothing sparked and he didnt try. No surprise there. 

On the drive home the kids fell asleep in the car so I looked over to him and playfully said "hey, so what were your five convo topics btw? We have a bit of a drive, want to try them out now?" He went blank and after a bit of a pause he rattled off some things - search for flight MH730, anniversary of rwandan genocide, and a few other items from the front page of CNN. I played along and tried to discuss those topics (i do read CNN).. He clammed up. I guess he thought those topics would be so lame I would just laugh and let it go. He literally looked at the home page of CNN and listed off what he saw...he hadn't even read half of the articles!! Lol

I laughed and said "I guess I really put you on the spot just then huh? I guess it's not a good day for convo, just put something on the radio" and he did...and nothing more was spoken about it. 

Went exactly like I thought it would! It's gotta be me. How many things am I doing wrong in the above example?


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## SailBadTheSinner (Apr 7, 2014)

So Lady, a little bit of Anthropology 101. Humans are hunter-gatherers. Men hunt. Women gather. Been that way for 6000 years and it's coded on the DNA despite what the feminist nazis would have you believe. 

Men--Hunters: When you hunt, you are quiet. (Seems obvious, but I've had to explain it to women over the years....game can hear you and they run, thus, no din-din. If you are quiet, they can't hear you and thus, din-din for all. (Except for the hapless critter.)

Women--Gatherers: When you gather, you chatter and tell everyone where the best berries are, where the herbs are and just how you're preserving things, and cooking them with the critter the man has brought for din-din. Itinerant talking brought to a fine art by quilting circles in the south. 

This is not to say one is better than the other; just that there are differences. 

So ladies if you want to emasculate your guy, just make him talk and reveal his soul until you are satisfied nothing is left. If he remembers things that have disturbed him, find a counselor who will refer to it as "grievance packing." And, when the counselor says that, be sure to snicker in a way that says "I'm right and you're wrong."


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Thound said:


> Its a easy trap to fall into. Things that have worked for me is to cut out calling her during the day so that I would have something to say when I got home from work. Now when she talks to me at home I turn off the tv or put my Ipad down and focus on what she is saying. She tells me I dont have to turn off the TV and I tell her she is way more intresting than anything on TV. When you know you are going outthink of things to discuss before hand. Ask her questions about things you know she is intrested in and really listen.
> 
> We are mom and dad far so long we forget how to be husband and wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

That last sentence really hit me hard since it is one of the things my ex told me while trying to justify her bailing out...

Is it possible that OP's wifes behaviour is just a symptom of deeper marital problems... that she's not feeling emotionally connected anymore? She even admitted she tested him... and he proved her right.

OP, 180 time! More than one probably!

Are there any more things she complains about? If so: act on them, if not (like my ex or if she did, I didn't get the signals): explore! Probably a 180 in itself for you


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## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

EasyPartner said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Is it possible that OP's wifes behaviour is just a symptom of deeper marital problems... that she's not feeling emotionally connected anymore? She even admitted she tested him... and he proved her right. Probably a 180 in itself for you


Yes it is possible, not likely, we have our ups and downs, like anyone else, but I think our relationship is strong enough that we do try to talk to each other about these issues.

I've made it a point to share a few things with her these past few days, and sometimes timing just isn't quite right. Example...She was helping with dinner, and was in the mood to chat, and I had a less than perfect day at work. And the next morning I was in a better mood, and lets just say she is not a morning person. So our moods at those moments just did not line up. I started a conversation last night, and she was not responsive, so I dropped it. 

Just have to keep plugging away at it. I'll crack that safe. It is only a matter of time.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

kag123 - I think your husband is terrified of you. The intimacy is too much for him to handle. Talking (real talking like you want) is something he can't do because to him it's scary. He is afraid to show you the real true him.

bbrad, good for you for trying! Keep at it. Things will line up.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

OP - most people love love love to talk about themselves.... ask her about work, her hobbies, her family, her visit to the ??, her fitness routine, etc etc..

I've read that conversation is as important to women as sex is to men. Not sure if that resonates with all women...it does for me though.

Of all the women I know who had affairs they all say "the OM talked to me, made me feel important and interesting...he was interested in MEEEEE!"

Like we do when we first date and fall in love.

Something us long time marrieds forget sometimes...to make our significant other feel important and that we care enough to want to know about and be involved in their personal lives.


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