# Spying



## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

So I have to ask if I have to spy on my wife is there something wrong with me? Or am I just crazy? My wife and I have been able to do a lot of talking over the past week about things. One of the main conservators was privacy. I believe that there should be a level of privacy in any marriage but I believe there is a limit. My wife say's I push her away when I get angry or feel the need to snoop into her phone or emails. She says that I need to trust her and that if the shoe was on the other foot and I was talking to another girl she wouldn't care. I've never done anything to doubt my wife and I do believe that I over react at any guy that I don't know especially when she doesn't tell me. But she say's that she feels she has to walk around egg shells around me about anything email, phones etc because she knows how I get. We had our first therapy session last week and we have been talking on a regular basis and I have fought the urge to snoop into her emails even know I know she is talking to a guy/friend co worker who made a semi offensive comment to her. Whats funny is this guy is married with a daughter and he's cheated on his wife a couple of times with my wife's friend. He knows though that I know about it and will expose it to his wife if he gets out of line. But she say's he's like the little brother she never had and that she has no sexual or attraction what so ever. I told her that I don't mind that she talks to other guys but be open about it. I want to trust my wife and it's Extremely hard right now for me. I haven't seen any signs of anything that points to any cheating. She told me that in her other relationships she had been cheated on every time and she thinks cheating sucks and is wrong. She say's that she is glad to come home to me every night. I know I can't tell her what to do and who to have for friends because that turns into controlling. So how can I overcome this feeling?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Have you been to therapy?


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## MAD OBX (Feb 28, 2011)

Sounds like your like I was: Not sure about what your value is as a man. 

Remember, you got her, but she also got you. 

You ultimately have to make a choice: Which man do you want to be? Which man do you think a woman wants? 

1. The man who is scared of not being good enough and who tries to change himself and his woman and snoop and put up barriers to keep his woman around, because he's scared of losing her. Scared of not being good enough. Scared of being hurt. 

Or...

2. The man who knows who he is and what he wants. He's on a journey to do something in this world that matters. He wants the companionship of a good woman. But if a particular woman is on a different path it doesn't mean there's something wrong with him or with her, just means they're on different paths. People are drawn to him because he powerfully and confidently expresses who he is and where he is going. His woman feels lucky to be part of his purpose. 

Now, I'm the biggest wimp and cry-baby you'll meet. But this idea really helped me. When I started living this way, things really started to change for me. 

Sounds like your woman really loves you and is not interested in cheating. You have a good chance to make it work. Good luck.


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## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

Yeah I think I've blown things way out of left field. I know she's never cheated on me before. We had a picture incident a year ago but we both worked past that and she said that she never would cheat. I have therapy today actually this will be my second session. I hope I can work through this because she's said that it will be my spying and 3rd degree which will be our downfall.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

NightEagle, we’re supposed to have just 5 senses, sense of smell etc. But I think we have a 6th sense and that’s the gut sense. We sense in our gut that something is not right, that the other 5 senses aren’t “adding up correctly”. And that leads to a feeling of insecurity. It’s like we kind of know something is wrong, but we can’t put our finger on it and make sense of it, no matter what we’re being told by our wife.

But if our wife is truly lying and deceiving us then she is the last person to go to for answers. Why? Because she will continue to lie and deceive.

Look at it another way. If you tell your wife you are feeling insecure and she is not doing anything wrong then she wouldn’t care a less if you wanted to look into her emails etc. In fact if her motivations were pure and honourable like she says they are, then she would take pride in demonstrating that to you. She would be as an “open book” to you.

In marriage, privacy is for the bathroom. There should be no secrets. The secret activities of one spouse give birth to and instils insecurity in the other.

Bob


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## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

Yeah I agree there should be no secrets in marriage but I see she does have a point that I do get very angry and blow off the handle when I find out she's talking to other men. She I believe that she's been an honest wife I haven't seen any emails that have linked to cheating. Just friendly conversation. So I can't really make accusations of cheating. We've also been spending a lot more time together and getting our feelings out into the open and I believe that she is opening up more. I've manned up and told her that I want to trust her she's never given me any reason in the past so I have to give her the benefit of the doubt. I kind of get where she is coming from because I get very angry at her talking to certain guys.


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## SoCalKat (Mar 2, 2011)

My wife is insecure and feels the need to spy on me all the time. I've never cheated on her. She's resentful because I had enough and changed all my login information. I think a little space is healthy.

As for trust issues, I defer to Henry Stimpson, who said:

"The chief lesson I have learned in a long life is that the only way you can make a man trustworthy is to trust him; and the surest way to make him untrustworthy is to distrust him."


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yeah yeah yeah that whole "I'm messed up and the only thing you can do about it is accommodate me" stuff. Wow does that get tedious. I've had zero success modifying that particular pathology. So I tune it out. She's going to live her life as a micro micro managing nitpicking hyper critical stress machine and there's nothing anyone can do about it. A long time ago when the term was still used, I heard a therapist mention 'The Tyranny of the Neurotic' which means that THEY have infinite energy to make you miserable and there's nothing can stop them.


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## Mr. Jones (Mar 8, 2011)

MAD OBX said:


> You ultimately have to make a choice: Which man do you want to be? Which man do you think a woman wants?
> 
> 1. The man who is scared of not being good enough and who tries to change himself and his woman and snoop and put up barriers to keep his woman around, because he's scared of losing her. Scared of not being good enough. Scared of being hurt.
> 
> ...


Brillant post and great advice. This seems like a good forum so I'm in.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Mad,
That is some good stuff there, I like it


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## SoCalKat (Mar 2, 2011)

There shouldn't be secrets in marriage. Spying on your spouse, regardless of the reason, means you are insecure. It is also a symptom of controlling and abuse behavior and shows lack of respect. Women seem to do it more than men (and think it's okay to do). Plus, if you go looking for "dirt" chances are you will find it, or what you think is "dirt." I wish my wife would understand this, but she doesn't.


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## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

Great help and info. I've only recently spied on her only because I had done it once before and got info of some stuff that I wish I hadn't found about. She has never cheated on me and I've never cheated on her. We've had a chance to talk about this and to my surprise, lastnight we had dinner and she was online and she was able to get up for the bathroom or walk away from the computer with me in the room and didn't log out or anything. She say's the only reason of her being like that is because I do stupid things to her facebook and what not and I shouldn't touch it when she's online. I agree but I was glad that she's making the transition.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

What would be the point of spying? Either she's faithful or she isn't. You can't prevent her from cheating if that's what she wishes to do. If you did discover evidence of an affair, you don't have to power to force her to be faithful. Your time is better spent working on being the best man and husband you can be. You want a wife, not a hostage. The best way to prevent her from having an affair is to not give her reasons to.


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## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

Yeah I am slowly learning that I can not control what she does as much as I hate knowing she talks to other guys on her facebook and text messages I mean I don't think she would ever cheat anyway's, I know she loves me and has said so several times. As I said before we both have suffered past relationships where cheating was done. I believe her when she say's she's never cheated. I think as time goes on the trust in the relationship will come back.


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## Confusedanddazed (Mar 6, 2011)

Just be honest about your feelings. 

I dissagree with ealier post that women do more spying then men. I think men are more prone to spy and snoop. Men have a tendancy to use physical/proximal control. Women tend to be more subtle. 

I hate the terms, "good woman" or "good wife". She is a human being and your partner. Those labels are just an acting role people play out. 

The roles are endless, Husband, Father, Mother, Wife, Son ,Daughter, Boss, employee..........we act them out all day.

Work on seeing her as a human being. Look past those roles.


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## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

Yeah I've started to act toward her more as a person. I've told her before that if she was up front and honest with me the need to spy would be gone. The only reason I spied in the first place was my gut said something. But I over reacted and made a big deal so then she got mad at me for snooping into her email's etc.


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## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

So how do you overcome the need to spy on your spouse? I still find myself checking our phone records to see the numbers she's texting just because I know there's a security guard at her building that we were mutual friends with. He's married and has a daughter. My wife say's there only friends and she has no attraction to him whatsoever. She's said before "He's way to young" or "God no" But they still text. I've warned him that if he keeps it up or I found out anything that I would go to his wife. He's cheated on his wife once with our friend but him and his wife were going through problems. Of course my wife took the fall on that one. I've texted him before and told him to stop, but he doesn't listen and keeps it going. So my issue is could there be something going on more than friendship? My wife works for the gov so anything at work texting wise could get both fired, if work found out he was texting certain things he would be fired/charged. I'm also sure my words and threats to tell his wife are in the back of his mind. I can't control my wife but I also don't want to be anyone's doormat.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Ok i didn't read all but hind sight being 20/20, before the time frame of my wifes A 
1. She did not need or want her own email account. 
2. She never had a problem with me picking up her phone.
3. She never got defensive if I asked who she was emailing.

After the A time frame she needed : All of the above, she became defensive, more grouchy for unexplained reasons more of the time. So do I like snooping no, i think it is a necessary evil though if you suspect EA especially online. 

So sorry for those who disagree I say snoop, If i had just been curious about her phone I could have lessened this damage.

Hey back in the day we could have just had a budy follow them, technology has complicated everything.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I think it's a normal reaction to have a look around if you are suspicious. I think I would rather my husband do that and have peace of mind. 

however I would also not converse with men in that way and i certainly wouldn't e mail or chat to one who had a history of cheating and so on.


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## shaung (Mar 18, 2011)

NightEagle1981 said:


> So how do you overcome the need to spy on your spouse? I still find myself checking our phone records to see the numbers she's texting just because I know there's a security guard at her building that we were mutual friends with. He's married and has a daughter. My wife say's there only friends and she has no attraction to him whatsoever. She's said before "He's way to young" or "God no" But they still text. I've warned him that if he keeps it up or I found out anything that I would go to his wife. He's cheated on his wife once with our friend but him and his wife were going through problems. Of course my wife took the fall on that one. I've texted him before and told him to stop, but he doesn't listen and keeps it going. So my issue is could there be something going on more than friendship? My wife works for the gov so anything at work texting wise could get both fired, if work found out he was texting certain things he would be fired/charged. I'm also sure my words and threats to tell his wife are in the back of his mind. I can't control my wife but I also don't want to be anyone's doormat.


Obviously he has no respect for you or your marriage. Go and talk to him face to face. Tell him 'next time you send my wife a text, I will go and talk to your HR department about it.' 

Let him explain to his own wife how he got fired for repeatedly ignoring your discomfort and warnings about his text relationship with your wife.


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## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

For me I think that the trust has gone. I want to rebuild trust but it takes a lot of time. I don't know where my marriage is going right now. My wife is in the "party" mode and not really thinking about our marriage at least from what I see. But she's also not talking to anyone. A part of me say's leave her alone and "Do I really want to know" but I feel if I looked/spied I would know where hear heart was really at. We've not spoken since the 17th and I'm not currently staying at home.


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