# Having such a hard day today



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

God I'm having such a hard day today dealing with the divorce that my stbxw initiated. It's the loss of the shared dreams for our family, the loss of all those fun little routines we used to enjoy. Picking up to go dinner after work on Friday, having a nice meal, then watching our favorite shows. God this is all so damn tough. After all those years together, to just be cast aside like yesterday's garbage.

All those times when I worked two jobs when we were in tough financial times. All the times I spent building her up, listening to her go on and on about her bad days. She was supposed to be with me forever, not change and become someone I don't know.

I know that this feeling will pass, and I will eventually find new routines, but oh man this is so tough. I just want to cry, and hug someone.


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## BrokenHearted15 (Feb 6, 2012)

I was grocery shopping yesterday (As I don't drive we always have shopped together, and I LOVED shopping together,always.) and out of no where it hit me......We won't be shopping together anymore, ever. It hurt and a cried a little and it hurt. It is hitting me at strange moments.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Oh yeah it took me like four or five grocery shopping trips until I was able to do it without crying at the end. The whole unfairness of it all, and then they seem to be so happy and oblivious to everything.


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## BrokenHearted15 (Feb 6, 2012)

Yep, like I have stated more then once, even though my situarion is mutual, it does change that I am hurting and I wish things could be different. I will miss the night time T.V. and snacks, the Sunday family days. It is important to remember the bad, the pain.....because if you pain and unhappiness is so much that you can't breathe, then you have to do this and push through. It is easy to remember the good times, not so easy to remember the pain. We all want to idealize our relationship, eenthough it is not all that, or we wouldn't be here.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

@Brokenhearted may I ask what lead to your mutual decision? Me I was on the receiving end of the decision. I was with my wife for 11 years married 9. We have two children. We were going through problems last year, she told me she was having mixed feelings, said she was seeing a counselor. Then in November she sent me a text to say that I was the person she wanted to grow old with, etc. Then three weeks later she gave me the I want a divorce speech. You know what is messed up, five days after the speech we had sex again. Twice in the last few weeks she has kissed me passioinately on the lips.


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## BrokenHearted15 (Feb 6, 2012)

I have been with my husband for 15 years (Since I was 21) Our trouble started with a one night stand that he had a month before our first wedding anniversary. It was so painful there were times I thought I would just die. The girl ended up pregnant and said it was his. After her govt. assistance ran out she ordered a paternity test which came back negative, she was lying. Turns out she was already pregnant at the time of the one night stand and we think she knew that. 

My husband is verbally abusive and is cold, mean and very unsympothetic to anyones feelings or pain. It has been a long road, and counseling for me to see the full picture. I have spent 8 years trying to fix our relationship, and I have done and given all that I can. I loved him and wanted it to work so bad, but sometimes you know deep down inside that the person doesnt love or respect you and you need and want better. I need fun and happiness, which I don't have. He is very hurtful and then I will watch him be sooooo nice and sweet to others it is ike a knife in my heart. I have realized that he doesn't want to be with me and it is mutual at this point, I really tried. You can't make someone love you. Denial has been his best friend for a long time, I had a good read on his feelings and why he does the tuff he does, he always said that I was wrong, I was not. I think soon if not already he will see that he needed to let go a long time ago.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Yeah I can say that I did try to do everything I could to make the marriage work, but it takes two to try right? I know my wife is in a fog right now, and one day she will come out of it and realize all that she has lost. Her best friend, her rock of 11 years. She once told me that she still wants us to be really good friends when we are done with this, yeah right. She texted me that she wants to be there for me to lean on if I start to fall, are you kidding me?


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## SailingSoloAgain (Feb 5, 2012)

The crushed hopes and dreams are brutal, absolutely brutal. You're not just losing a spouse, you're losing a lifestyle, years of planning, and the future they held.

It's tough now, but before long you will enjoy your lifestyle, have new hopes and dreams, and plan for what will be an even brighter future.

It's hard, but maybe try to see through to the end of the tunnel. If it could be anything you wanted there, what would you most like to see?


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

@Sailingsolo that's the problem right now if I could see at the end of the tunnel I want my life back. However thinking rationally I know that the last year I was the one doing the work, being affectionate, things like that. I was like a puppy dog waiting for scraps of affection. I would love for my "wife" to come back and replace this evil twin of hers. I guess I fell in the trap of the "nice guy" I'm so paralyzed by the thought of change, the unknown, having self esteem that this new reality terrifies me.


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## SailingSoloAgain (Feb 5, 2012)

Yes I know Proud, it seems to be what most of us here want. 

Self esteem definitely suffers dramatically. I'm not going to tell you there's more fish in the sea, that would be insulting. But allow me to tell you a quick story.

I was having a beer in a bar about 3 weeks ago. I overheard a guy next to me talking about where he works and what he does. He probably knows W #2. I used to think that I would like nothing better than to strangle the guy she left me for if I ever ran into him in a dark alley. I literally had fantasies about killing the SOB. I mean, who would suspect me, right?
I stopped to think that if I ever ran into him now, I would buy him a drink, maybe even pick up his bar tab. If he hadn't stolen her from me, I never would have met W#3. And although he is stuck with a very selfish and disagreeable woman, he now has my undying gratitude. Of course a future with #3 is very questionable now but that's beside the point, I didn't know that at the time.

I absolutely guarantee, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that some day you will be thankful for whatever took your wife away because you will have higher standards, be more discerning, and will end up with someone that will make you happier than the current one possibly could.

That may not be much consolation at the moment but think if it as you go through the healing process. I hope it helps.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

SailingSoloAgain said:


> I used to think that I would like nothing better than to strangle the guy she left me for if I ever ran into him in a dark alley. I literally had fantasies about killing the SOB. I mean, who would suspect me, right?


I think it's a natural thought...people seem to lose sight of the reality that we are animals with instincts...and when we are challenged or threatened, it's a natural instinct to want to do harm, lash out, and defend what is "ours"

I can admit, that, because I somewhat know the guy my wife is/was having an emotional affair with, I know where he lives on the other side of the country, i've seen his house...i'm also capable of picking him off with a rifle from over 800 yards...so, yeah the thought gave me comfort.

But the important thing to remember is that...it's ok to THINK those thoughts, just never ACT on them. Your life isn't worth throwing away for someone who has wronged you like that. While their life may mean nothing to you, remember that YOUR life does mean something, and it's not worth throwing away.

food for thought!


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> @Sailingsolo that's the problem right now if I could see at the end of the tunnel I want my life back. However thinking rationally I know that the last year I was the one doing the work, being affectionate, things like that. I was like a puppy dog waiting for scraps of affection. I would love for my "wife" to come back and replace this evil twin of hers. I guess I fell in the trap of the "nice guy" I'm so paralyzed by the thought of change, the unknown, having self esteem that this new reality terrifies me.


I fell in the same trap. I was waiting for scraps of affection as well. I became emotionally dependent on my wife and marriage for just about all my needs. Very unhealthy. 

Like you, I'm struggling with moving on, but moving on we must and shall do. One day at a time. You with me?


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

@Canguy I'm with you brother, I have two kids that I have to move on for, plus myself. I do remember what it felt like to have the true love and affection from my significan other, and I want that again. I deserve that again.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

I hear you and me too. Some day it will happen, but we both need to be in a better place first. That takes some work, positive thinking and happens one day at a time. 

Must say... having problems taking my own advice today, but still, am determined to move forward.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

@canguy it's the thought that I will never find anyone as good as her. But I think I'm just suffering from putting her on a pedastal, instead of actually realizing that who she is now is different. A TOTALLY different person than I fell in love with, married, had children with. God I just wish I could see how she acts at the house when the kids are asleep, is she happy, does she miss me even at all, or is it all a lie. Is this the person she is now forever, or is she in a fog. All the questions I want answered but won't get the answers too. The funny thing is she thinks that we will still be friends after all this. I told her I will be friendly because of the kids, but I can't see a scenario where we will be friends.


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