# any help is appreciated



## xavier1227 (Oct 14, 2009)

I recently returned from a deployment in January 2009 and things have not been the same. My wife complained that she wanted me to be like I "used" to be before I deployed, and since I've been back all I've heard is that she wants me to be how I was before I deployed. So basically I can't ever make things better on my end because it's always the same response. I've tried telling her what drives me crazy, such as her telling me many many hurtful things, that afterward I forget about as much as possible from a fight. But she always tells me how I hurt her and won't let things go that I've said. A lot of things that I tell her even in a fight are true and how I really feel, and she makes me feel like crap for telling her those things. What am I supposed to do lie to her? Make her feel like things are grand when they're not? She told me that she recently thought about a separation, and I told her that I thought about it as well. No problem right, wrong, all I have heard about is how I am basically this horrible husband for telling her the same thing she told me! I am on the verge of a break down and I can't take it ANYMORE!!!!! What should I do, any advice will help.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

xavier1227 said:


> I've tried telling her what drives me crazy, such as her telling me many many hurtful things, that afterward I forget about as much as possible from a fight.


So you want her to stop saying hurtful things to you?



xavier1227 said:


> A lot of things that I tell her even in a fight are true and how I really feel, and she makes me feel like crap for telling her those things. What am I supposed to do lie to her? Make her feel like things are grand when they're not?


And you get angry at her when she wants you to stop saying hurtful things to her? 

I hope you can appreciate that you are doing the exact thing you wish your wife would stop doing.

You cant just stop saying those things because its the truth. and neither can she. maybe its hurtful, but like you said, she cant just pretend things are ok. she needs to be heard, just like you do. 

have you considered counseling? im actually not a huge fan of marriage counseling. i think its an enabler form of therapy that encourages "finger-pointing." My H and i did individual therapy and it has helped.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Deployments are hard on spouses. My husband and I deal with it a lot ( he is AD Army) and it can put a lot of unneccesary pressure on both ends. She wants you to be like you were before you left, so what is different? Are you not paying any attention to her? Are you guys constantly arguing over the little stuff, daily chores and whatnot. I can tell you this, after having my husband deplyed for 10 months, come back for 2 weeks and then leave again for 4 months it takes a lot of adjusting to having the other person back in your daily life. Reflect back to how it was, try and talk about what exactly you two need from the other person and don't stress about the small stuff. Hope it all gets better soon for you, its never easy after a long seperation!!


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