# Such a thing as too much masturbation?



## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

Just curious if I'm a freak. I jerk off every day. Its pretty rare that I ever miss a day and I'd say at more then half the time I do it 2-3 times a day. 

I love my wife and wish I could be having sex with her or trading sexual favors instead of taking care of my own business. I don't really have a choice as she's more then happy to have sex once every week or 2 and doesn't care to do anything for me sexually outside of that (i.e. handjob or blowjob). I download porn everyday but again I'd rather have my wife in front of me then a computer screen any day. 

So men & women how about you all? How often is normal for you?


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## srena200 (Jul 13, 2009)

You have issues. Call a counselor and try to find a way to re-direct your energy. DO you have kids? Spend some time taking them out, swimming, fishing, for ice cream - to the movies.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

If you denied yourself the outlet of so much masturbation, it would cause you to find ways of making your wife desire you more. You're taking the "easy" way out.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

hey i feel for you mike. i read your other post about the anniversary sex and i know exactly how you feel. i didnt 'get any' on mine either. my H isnt much interested in sex with me. i have a high sex drive so i completely understand where you are coming from. i could have sex every day, too. 

i dont think there's anything wrong with you masturbating if you are ok with it. for me personally, i dont feel right about it and so it doesnt help alleviate the sexual tension for me- or the anger. ive had to work on finding other ways.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Mr. Twain speaks the truth. Don't get me wrong - I used porn as "filler" for much of my marriage on the nights wife did not want sex - like you I liked the daily thing until I hit 40. But we did have a very nice sex life - I just realized it was tiresome for my wife to try to go daily for 15+ years - so on nights I could tell she wanted a break I opened my laptop. With that said, it seems like for you - most sex is not marital sex. As for effort in that direction:

1. Are you really physically fit? 
2. What kinds of things do you do that make you more powerful as a man/person? This could be better interpersonal skills, career skills, etc.
3. What energy do you put into becoming more alpha/dominant in your marriage - I DON'T mean being more argumentative or disagreeable. 
4. It sounds like your wife is "allowing" you to have sex with her some minimum amount of time to avoid conflict - NOT because she likes it. Why? 







MarkTwain said:


> If you denied yourself the outlet of so much masturbation, it would cause you to find ways of making your wife desire you more. You're taking the "easy" way out.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

+1,000 to Mark Twain. Also it probably isn't very good for her as you probably cannot last to long since you are always gooing on yourself. Also probably not as hard as you could be if you saved it up for at least a couple days. She could be really turned off by your use of porn as well.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Or it could be the more obvious problem. She denies him sex so he has to have an outlet. Im sure he would prefer not to masturbate ever if his wife was willing to have sex that often. OP - listen to mark and martino. Your wife not having sex with you is YOUR problem not hers. You have no right to sexual release of any sort other then marital sex even if SHE doesnt want it. Perhaps if you read MT's article on whats wrong with men who dont get sex from their wives you could join the enlightened crowd.


Unless of course you are like me. By that I mean, you do the best you can all the time to no avail. You have tried communication. You have tried medication. You have tried therapy. You have tried giving her what she needs and wants at every turn and still there is no change. The way I see it is, if you are married to a woman who is a sexual camel then in fact you are doing HER a favor by masturbating. Imagine the tension and stress if she knew exactly how often youd be hounding her for sex otherwise. I speak from experience. For the past 4 months I have not masturbated. I am performing my own experiment and it's rather enlightening and sad at the same time. We have had sex exactly 6 times in that 4 month span. I find myself to be anxious most of the time due to no sexual outlet. This of course will lead to putting sexual pressure on your wife which in turn leads to less sex because she doesnt want to be pressured into it. God knows I dont want to pressure her either. But the fact remains, we as men, need a sexual release. If she refuses to provide a means to that end, then by all means continue to masturbate.

Also, martino, your idea that masturbating leads to not being able to last as long is quite simply, in my opinion, false. If you shoot off a couple blanks before the sex with wife then you will last longer. I will grant you however that it wont be as hard as you could possibly be, but last longer you will. Which btw, if you have a wife who doesnt want to have sex with you in the first place, isnt a good thing because after 20 minutes she starts to complain that its taking so long. I dont know about you guys, but that is about the last thing I want to hear during sex. Almost right up there with "I cant feel anything" or "Today on oprah..."




John


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

NothingMan said:


> If she refuses to provide a means to that end, then by all means continue to masturbate.


Yes, tell her she's simply a means to an end... that'll get her going.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

nightshade said:


> Yes, tell her she's simply a means to an end... that'll get her going.


haha yah DO NOT USE THAT LINE DIRECTLY. That would not provide the result you are looking for. Good lord that would get ugly quick



John


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

Thanks so much for all the comments. I've never felt guilty about taking care of myself. It's always been very frequent from the time I started doing it as a teen; it never occurred to me that it should or would change when I got married unless she was providing that outlet. 

I think there are some good points made by many.

Martino - I have to disagree with you about lasting longer if I don't jerk off. I have gone weeks before without taking care of my own business and it's the exact opposite. I get so sexually frustrated and am needing that release after even just a few days that it feels like a hair trigger where I sometimes will only last a minute once we start having sex. Also, never a problem with hardness for me, I can 100% say that. 

MarkTwain - I think you make some good points and I had already been considering giving it up for a while. I have tried this in the past and it helped in a couple ways but not directly with the sex. A few years back I stopped masturbating and quickly became very sexually frustrated. I could hardly think about anything besides sex (even more then usual). The sexual frustration led to anger and the anger fueled the need to release that energy so I started going to the gym and working out. I lost a lot of weight and eventually got into the best shape of my life for a while. But even after all that there really wasn't any improvement on the frequency of sex! Eventually I stopped going to the gym with any regularity and put back on a few lbs but never went back up to the weight I was. So I could stand to lose 15 lbs for sure. But again, it didn't help before & I have little confidence that would help now. But at least I would be in the position to say I am absolutely doing everything I can. But besides working out I might find other things to make her desire me. 

Of course I'll be left with a couple of the negative consequences:
1. It will make me sexually frustrated constantly and it becomes very hard to hide my anger/frustration. I can hide it with great effort but I do get more frustrated as more time passes. 
2. That constant sexual frustration means I will likely cum very quickly whenever we have sex during this exercise. Unfortunately she's not the kind of partner to help with that either. i.e. by having sex more or by giving me a release with a blow job or hand job even before we have sex. It'll be a hit and miss thing whether I can last long or not. (right now this isn't a problem, more often then not she's done cumming before I am and is telling me to finish up)

I am seriously willing to do anything to help her desire for sex but as time goes on it seems more and more that my behavior is almost completely unrelated to whether or not she wants sex. We can have a full romantic, relaxing day where she'll make comments about how amazing a time she's having and we're being loving, affectionate, etc. One would think that if a woman is going to have sex those would be the kind of times it happens. But it doesn't! On the other hand there are days where she's had a bad day or comes home from working like any normal day. the kids are being a pain and she drags me into the bedroom for some hot sex!!  So most of the time it seems very random to me and not at all based on what I've done or not done.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

It depends, if you masturbate and prolong it or don't orgasm at all, that would help stamina. If you masturbate to only one or two porn scenes with your thumb riding the fast forward button then yeah you are cuming too soon and sex will be like that. Or so i've found for me! I know we are all different.....

When she's being loving and affectionate and you are having a good time in public, she is having sex with you already. Think about that, that's how women work. That's when you hold her hand and be romantic and later make love to her. 

When she drags you in the room and needs that release is when you tease her, lay her on her back and masturbate her and bite her neck and talk dirty things. Turn her over and spank her and bang her like you don't even care about her. Give her some insensitive alpha male persona. 

These are things that work for me, just trying to give you some ideas. I started thumbing through those romance novels that my wife reads one day and realized that they were all about the same. Strong rude man over powers helpless woman with lust, he just has to have her and she can't say no. So I adopt a lot of that when the timing is right and found it really works. 

Does she like vibrators? does she orgasm? does she like dirty talk? does she like to dress up? does she like light pain? any submissive or dominant tendencies in her? these are all things you want to investigate and expand on further when you find something. Learn, learn, learn. Allow me to brag a little here: a couple years ago I rented one of those Sinclair Institute videos with three housewives talking about what they like and don't like men to do, I learned a lot from that video. How to manipulate the G spot correctly, thrusting angles, all this stuff wows my wife and she asks where I learned it....I never tell but it certainly paid off. Point i'm making is when one can put the ego and excuses aside and really start learning is when the changes happen. They did for me anyway...she wasn't that interested years ago because I was terrible in the sack. She was too, we both improved in time. Married 12 years now. We also stopped having late evening sex when energy is low. Hope that helps, good luck. 

Martino


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I'll tell ya straight up mike1, I used to masturbate that often too. I started to withhold sex from my wife because she didn't put much (any) effort into it and we ran into alot of trouble. After we worked through it she told me that I could ask her for sex any time, and we never tell each other "no" anymore. She really came around to put alot of effort into keeping me happy that way, and now I hardly ever go it alone, maybe 1-2 a week. My wife is happier because I am happier. I dont know how to tell you to get to this arrangement with your wife but I am living proof it can be done.


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## Farfignewton (Aug 10, 2008)

What the hell is wrong with all of the women who do not want their partner! Why get married if you don't plan on having a good sex life! I can have a house, companionship, etc. with a friend, but it takes that special someone to have a truly great sexual experience. My husband finally started giving it up again and I have no idea why. It kind of freaks me out that he suddenly wants me for no apparent reason when I've been trying to get laid on a regular basis for the past year and a half. 

Wow, the world is a crazy place.

And to the OP, you are normal. I have just as high of a libido and I am a chick and my husband is like your wife. 

Porn use is a major turnoff to we women in general so it may help if you stop using the porn. We figure, hell we can't compete with that so why even bother.


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## alwaysalone (Nov 17, 2007)

My husband goes through the same thing. I am like your wife. Honestly, I am too tired from getting up early, helping get my daughter ready for Pre-K, doing the dishes, getting myself ready for work, fighting with him, and much more including working an afternoon shift from 3-11 to worry about sex. My husband masturbates (at least he says he does) unless he is getting it some place else. Which honestly, I know, some men have a different sex drive than some women and it can go either way. If your spouse isn't that interested then they need to get it some place else. Sex with my husband is great when we have it (well sort of).

As a female who doesn't want sex most of the time, GO FOR IT!


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

masterbation and porn becomes a problems when it starts interfering with your marriage and u start treating her differently. masterbating alot could cause you to lose your mojo for her. I do it alot but i make sure i dont wear myself out for her, i tend to do it when she's at work and never do it when she's at home


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

I agree with farfignewton...

What I would give if my hubby was into sex every day...I'd even take every other day.  

Sexual frustration is bad...been there. Now I've learned to not care...take care of myself when it gets to that point, but not let that stress roll over into my sex with my hubby. It has helped...I don't feel the self-esteem hit by being rejected all the time. 

mike1: Keep pursuing your wife...try to make her feel loved, respected, cherished and sought after. Do what you can to make her life less stressful...and do it without asking for any sexual activity. Some women take days/months to warm up after a long chill, but if you stay consistent...you might see results.


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## MerryMerry (Dec 6, 2009)

This sounds like my husband could have written it. He masturbates at least once a day, usually twice. He hides in our walk-in closet or goes downstairs on his computer to check out porn when he thinks no one knows. He says he has to do this as a release since we seem to have different libidos. He'd like to have sex every day if not twice a day. I'm fine with once or twice a week. However, when he's being a complete jerk as he has been lately, I want nothing to do with sexually whatsoever. He says that he'd be nicer if I'd have sex more ofte, and I say I'd have sex more often if you weren't such a jerk. It's a vicious cycle. We've only been married a year and a half, we're in our early 40's...and I don't think this cycle (or his constant masturbating) is normal at this stage in life. I always thought chronic masturbating was for teenage boys...not grown men hiding in closets. I think my husband's frequency is odd...but I pretend not to notice or say anything. He resents "having to" jerk off because I'm so "cold" to him....when he doesn't realize that I have a sex drive to...I just don't want to hop into bed with a rude, selfish, jerk. We've tried therapy, medication, date nights, etc....its just an ugly, touchy subject.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MerryMerry said:


> its just an ugly, touchy subject.


Then one of you needs to end the ugliness - it's not helping the planet or your marriage


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## MerryMerry (Dec 6, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Then one of you needs to end the ugliness - it's not helping the planet or your marriage


That is easier said than done!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MerryMerry said:


> That is easier said than done!


Yes, it's impossible for you to end _his _contribution to the ugliness, but well within your grasp to work on your own contribution.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Masturbation is a great sexual outlet for single men or men whose wives either don't want sex or don't want it often enough to satisfy the man.

The only time it becomes a problem is when a man comes to prefer masturbation (often accompanied by watching porn) to having marital sex with his wife when she desires it. This is fairly common in long term marriages and can be caused by sexual boredom and a male's need for sexual variety in order to maintain high enough levels of sexual desire for erection and ejaculation..


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

If masturbation is interfering with your sexual relationship with your wife, then it's a problem. If you were doing this AND have a healthy relationship, then more power to you. But it sounds like you are not satisfied with your relationship sexually and she is not feeling connected to you enough to desire you more, then there is an issue. 

I would suggest couples counseling. I know I know, alot of guys are hesitant to it, I know my husband was. But we only went to 1 hr session, and it has already helped ALOT. If you want a intimate, happy, healthy reltaionship with your wife, then I would assume that you are willing to try anything to get that. Call a marriage counseler.


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## krogers58 (May 26, 2011)

There's nothing wrong with your sex drive being higher than your wife's. You should discuss it, and let her know, about the problem you are having. You are not cheating by looking at porn. You should probably keep it to once a day, once you have all your chores, etc done. Daily use of your plumbing actually keeps it in good working order. If it becomes a huge problem for your wife, and if she is unwilling to help you by giving you some privacy at the minimum, you should both probably come to the conclusion that you are sexually incompatible. I agree with some of the commenters, in that I had this problem, and had essentially decided to either take a lover, or leave my wife. In so doing, I began to get myself in killer shape, and she began to increase the frequency. It was too late, though as I had too many built up anger over being denied so many times. She would think nothing of going without for 2 months at a time, then, when she wanted it, would become demanding. Of course, it became like a game to see who could go the longest without it bothering them. A total death spiral for a marriage. Take care of yourself, eat right, work out, make yourself as good a person as you can, by reading, taking classes, and your wife may take more interest. If not, I'd bet other women will soon begin to notice you. I wouldn't cheat, but I would get whipped into shape, and have a trial separation. What have you got to lose?


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## Frustrated4Fifteen (Apr 20, 2011)

I have been in, and am just recently moving away from a *VERY* similar situation.

background:
I'm 40, we've been married 20 years, we have 4 kids @ home between 10 & 16.

during the times when we aren't having sex, I would/do masturbate at least once a day, and often twice. I have never preferred it to her, nor have I ever turned her down for sex... EVER. I only do it when she is not home, or while I am by myself in the shower. Usually I use porn for the visual stimulation, but not always.
I have found that during the times we are having sex, I masturbate less. For instance, I will usually not do it for a day after having sex with her - in essence, sex with her once takes the place of masturbating twice. :-D

Whether by myself, or with a partner, daily ejaculation has been fairly constant for me since I was about 13 or 14.

If I were having sex with her every other day, it's likely I would not masturbate at all.

See my thread about "Patiently waiting for her prime" for further details.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

F4F, that's funny you mention the 2 for 1 tradeoff... I was just thinking that. In my marriage, I was often a "one a day" guy. With my current GF, we keep each others needs met enough that neither of us has been "self serve" since the first month we started seeing each other. In fact, all her favorite toys are over at my place, because she'd rather have me use them on her than on her own. Even if we don't knock boots on a daily basis.

Of course... Even if we don't have sex every day, we rarely go a day without being intimate. That might mean an hour laying together on the bed or couch, talking and touching. It might mean a phone call that leaves know doubt in the either person's mind that they are desired and loved. Somehow, in some way, we connect in a meaningful way on a daily basis. That doesn't take the place of sex, but it does reduce the importance of it. It's reinforced in my mind that in my marriage, it wasn't just the sex that was lacking, it was the intimacy.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Frustrated4Fifteen said:


> I have been in, and am just recently moving away from a *VERY* similar situation.
> 
> background:
> I'm 40, we've been married 20 years, we have 4 kids @ home between 10 & 16.
> ...


This almost sounds like me. I think one of the factors in this is that my w and I just aren't on the same page when we're ready. I work a very demanding (on my time) job, and I'm usually fatigued, and she is older and just doesn't have the drive anymore. We've talked about it, fought, cold-shouldered each other, and things have been recently gotten better, but I'm always thinking about it.

I will admit to it, I do jerk a lot to the internet (soft-core, I'm really not into hard-core), and sometimes, it IS preferable. Then it is always there, the women on the screen will never turn you down, and you are under no pressure to perform and be a "macho stud".

But, like the OP, I would much rather do it with the W.


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