# Can't shake the feeling that wife cheated



## MilesInman (Aug 15, 2012)

A year and a half ago I saw my wife texting someone I didn't know as we laid down to bed. I didn't really think about it until I saw his name a few more times in the following days. I asked her about it and she got kind of defensive saying he's just a Guy she works with and I shouldn't worry. Over the next couple months I noticed my wife texting a lot more than normal (by a couple hundred extra a week) Then one day I went to use the PC and Facebook was minimized with a slew of messages between her and him. They were mostly innocent but very Flirty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

At minimum, your wife is in the middle of an emotional affair (EA) with this guy. Worst and most likely case is that over the last year it has become physical. It is highly inappropriate for a married woman to be exchanging flirty texts with another man.

Please stick around because others will be by shortly to provide guidance on how to proceed.


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## MilesInman (Aug 15, 2012)

For some reason my post was cut in half. Messages on her phone after that became sexual. I don't think she is still talking to him but not convinced she didn't cheat. Some of those messages were in the middle of the night. Worst part, the Guy was a former student. They saw eachother all the time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What kind of phone does she have?


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## MilesInman (Aug 15, 2012)

Droid x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Somehow your thread has turned into two threads. You need to delete one of them. ( I think LOL)


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There are people here that can probably tell you how to get deleted texts from the phone.

OTOH when spouses get suspicious, affairs may go deep underground. Could she have a burner phone? Does she show any signs that make you uncomfortable?


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

MilesInman said:


> For some reason my post was cut in half. Messages on her phone after that became sexual. I don't think she is still talking to him but not convinced she didn't cheat. Some of those messages were in the middle of the night. Worst part, the Guy was a former student. They saw eachother all the time
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If there's one thing I learnt with infidelity, I'm sorry to say, is that they are always worse than you first think. If there were sexual conversations, then it's likely they would have made it physical. It just always seems to happen.

I don't think you need the evidence now. She's crossed the line. Now you've got a tough decision to make. Have you got kids?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Check this thread out and see if you have heard any of these lines.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-words-phrases-cheating-spouse-would-say.html


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## MilesInman (Aug 15, 2012)

I have two kids. It's been 6 months since I last confronted her. I checked her phone and Facebook after that but never found anything else. Even checked phone bill to see what numbers she texted. I just now became comfortable enough to start talking about it with a friend that I trust and he said the same thing Ive been thinking, that it's unlikely it didn't become physical.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

So where are you with this now? What is your goal?


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## MilesInman (Aug 15, 2012)

I guess to get advice. I want to stay with my wife but I don't know if I could if I knew she cheated. Should I ask her plainly? It's been 6 months and I don't know if I should bring it up again. It's just eating at me. I've also considered talking to the guy


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

If you ask her plainly with no hard evidence chances are she will gaslight you 100%


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

chapparal said:


> So where are you with this now? What is your goal?


When I was a corporate drone, I took several training courses based on Stephen Covey's 'Seven Habits of Highly Effective People' and the one habit that I remember is:

BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND.

Which is what you should be basing your decisions on. It's very likely that your suspicions of a physical affair are correct. Is this a deal breaker for you? If so, then you need to get your ducks in a row (finances, etc.) and file for divorce.
If it isn't then you have a long road ahead for reconciliation and she has some heavy lifting to do.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

MilesInman said:


> I guess to get advice. I want to stay with my wife but I don't know if I could if I knew she cheated. Should I ask her plainly? It's been 6 months and I don't know if I should bring it up again. It's just eating at me. I've also considered talking to the guy


I don't think you should bury it (AKA rugsweep) Is she a good liar?

I would just come out & ask. Unless she an extremely good actor, you'll know from her body langyage that she's lying. She'll be overly defensive. But researching this site a bit more may help.

But don't rugsweep. It will eat you up.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

MilesInman said:


> For some reason my post was cut in half. Messages on her phone after that became sexual. *I don't think she is still talking to him *but not convinced she didn't cheat. Some of those messages were in the middle of the night. Worst part, the Guy was a former student. They saw eachother all the time
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well this is when it gets REALLY DEEP.. And by that I mean, if there is not anymore texts showing up on her phone record/or phone. Then since you were onto them and she know this they may have went underground.

It is really easy for them to still have contact have you noticed any signs of a possible pre-paid cell phone. They are super cheap to buy like 10 buck and then they just keep putting minutes on the phone, its there (secret phone). Trust me it happens, my WS had several I found. I was like you, once the text/call has stopped on his phone and on the phone records/bills I too thought it had ended, but I had ran them DEEP under ground and when I found the "secret" cell phones, it didnt matter to him if I destroyed it, 10 bucks, pop in the pre-paid sim, two minutes later new phone new number and it was like my little inconvenience of find/take/destroy the other secret cell phone was just a tiny little bump in the road!! And she will hide it, in places you would never think to look, but you GOT to start thinking outside the box, it will *ALWAYS* be on silent mode. But even when it is hidden, it may be very well hidden from YOU, but it will be of EASY access to her.. Think along the lines of where she is most the time in the house... Or if you notice her going to a certain room, closing the door alot more than normally then watch her.. See if she goes to another area before that, like it is a new ROUTINE for her(phone may be in a spot where she goes gets it then goes to a room closed door to text/talk., If she does NOT go anywhere on a regular bases before she goes into the certain room its possible the phone is in that room. Have you noticed any chargers that just doesnt go to any of your phones? In vehicals? Basically you have to become very aware of her movements, you do not make it know to her that you are keeping an eye on her but you do it under her radar.. If there is a hidden phone, and you do fine one, you can bet your bottom dollar there will be more information on that phone than you would be prepared to see. Since she knows you do not know it exsists than they are free to send/recieve anything they please...

A Var is a must also..

Trust me, just because the text or calls have stopped does not mean they have stopped.. UNDERGROUND is was to easy these days... 

Goodluck, and take the Veterains here on Tams advice, it will help you one way or the other. If there underground, you will find out!! If it is over, then Tam can help you to work through your feeling/thoughts..

Also, the same scenerio goes for her leaving, watch her. See if she goes to an area/room more than not when she goes to leave. I am telling you it happens all the time. They will get the secret phone before they leave the house..


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

MilesInman said:


> I've also considered talking to the guy


 Talk to the guy without telling your wife first. Tell him that your wife has admitted to the affair and that you wanted to hear his side of the story. Then ask him if he felt at all guilty about cheating with another man's wife? (Ask this question and then shut up until he answers; the first one to speak loses)


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

MilesInman said:


> I've also considered talking to the guy


Do you really expect him to tell you the truth?

I've never fooled around with a married woman (well, there were a couple of times with my ex during our almost 20-years together but that doesn't count) but the last thing I would do is tell her angry spouse that I've been fvcking his wife.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Vegemite said:


> I don't think you should bury it (AKA rugsweep) Is she a good liar?
> 
> I would just come out & ask. Unless she an extremely good actor, you'll know from her body langyage that she's lying.


Cheaters become good liars.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> When I was a corporate drone, I took several training courses based on Stephen Covey's 'Seven Habits of Highly Effective People' and the one habit that I remember is:
> 
> BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND.
> 
> ...


*BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND.*

This is great advice. I did not do this and I am also 6 months out from extremely sexual activity online. My H destroyed ALL the evidence and I can't shake it either.

Her telling you don't worry and then you discovering more? I am so sorry you have to be here and go through this. My heart goes out to you.

The very fact that she knows this person in real life? This is so far beyond a red flag. Please keep posting and take care of yourself first before anything else. At least for now.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

MilesInman said:


> I have two kids. It's been 6 months since I last confronted her. I checked her phone and Facebook after that but never found anything else. Even checked phone bill to see what numbers she texted. I just now became comfortable enough to start talking about it with a friend that I trust and he said the same thing Ive been thinking, that it's unlikely it didn't become physical.


Do they still work together?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Six months ... :slap:

Why now? Why do you care now?


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## MilesInman (Aug 15, 2012)

I am pretty confident they aren't talking. I know he is seeing someone as he was single when this was happening. But I guess that doesn't stop married cheaters. I just don't know how to get proof when it was that long ago. I think the next step is to ask her and watch her reaction
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

MilesInman said:


> I am pretty confident they aren't talking. I know he is seeing someone as he was single when this was happening. But I guess that doesn't stop married cheaters. I just don't know how to get proof when it was that long ago. I think the next step is to ask her and watch her reaction
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But do they have the opportunity? Sorry if I missed this--do they work together now? Do they work / live in the same vicinity?


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## MilesInman (Aug 15, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Six months ... :slap:
> 
> Why now? Why do you care now?


Because I started talking to people about it. Am I not supposed to care about past affairs?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MilesInman (Aug 15, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> But do they have the opportunity? Sorry if I missed this--do they work together now? Do they work / live in the same vicinity?


I guess he still lives close. He was her student And when he turned 18 as a senior is when things started between them
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

MilesInman said:


> I am pretty confident they aren't talking. I know he is seeing someone as he was single when this was happening. But I guess that doesn't stop married cheaters. I just don't know how to get proof when it was that long ago. I think the next step is to ask her and watch her reaction
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bad idea. Are you trained in the nuances of body language and signs of whether or not someone is telling the truth or just stressed from being accused of cheating? You need to go deep undercover to get to the bottom of this.

Sometimes, the only way to get the truth out of a wayward spouse is to have them take a polygraph.

I also echo Entropy3000's question: why now after six months?


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

MilesInman said:


> . I just don't know how to get proof when it was that long ago. _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess it's academic. She has had an EA. Whether or not you get her to admit to the PA, the damage is done and your decision should be based on the fact that she cheated, and what can you accept. How have you felt about her and the marriage for the last 6 months?


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

MilesInman said:


> I am pretty confident they aren't talking. I know he is seeing someone as he was single when this was happening. But I guess that doesn't stop married cheaters. I just don't know how to get proof when it was that long ago. I think the next step is to ask her and watch her reaction
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Honestly if you ask, and it IS still going on. *YOU WILL ONLY RUN THEM DEEPER UNDERGROUND*.... and you do not want her to know you are still even thinking about it.. She will become even more clever and right now, she thinks you are over it.. So the watching of her will be easier.. What if it isnt over? You need to find out FOR SURE first.. Then if it is you work on what needs to be worked on.. I just feel it is way to possible for it to have went underground, if so, then since it has been* 6 months her guard is down *and it will be alot easier for you to find out the truth....


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

MilesInman said:


> I guess he still lives close. He was her student And when he turned 18 as a senior is when things started between them
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


>


Yeah, that was my reaction.

I have to tell you, if I was a parent with a child in her school. I would be appalled AND outraged AND disgusted all at the same time. Adults who prey on very young people are the lowest of the low.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MilesInman said:


> Because I started talking to people about it. Am I not supposed to care about past affairs?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not my point. My point is if your marriage was so important to you how were you able to not move heaven and earth six months ago? You had to either be avoiding conflict, completely naive or ambivalent. Believe it or not I am not trying to beat you up as much as wake you up. 

Often posters leave out important facts ... like why now. Why did you wait until now.

You are best served to deal with these things if not proactively like we would all like but swifty at the least. These things escalate like a nuclear meltdown. Six months is a lifetime or two of time.

You should have shut the relationship down when she started to text this guy all the time. For sure when it went sexual. Not doing so showed low value and conflict avoidance. Traits that can push a woman into another man's bed.

You at the least rug swept this affair. At worst she took it unerground and has gone physical and may or may not be ongoing. Even if it died she learned the art of cake eating and knows now how to have a lover and a hubby.

When your home is on fire you are best to deal with the threat immediatly and not just roll over in the bed hoping it all works out. It never does ... for the better.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Please get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. She was a nationally recognized infidelity researcher. Her work is top notch, there isn't a better book out there on emotional affairs (including those that turn physical). 

In my signature is a google books excerpt of the book--I think you'll find it's worth checking out of the library or buying your own copy.

Although I have to say, your wife needs serious, serious, serious counseling taking up in any way with a teenager. Sorry, I just can't quite get over how outrageously inappropriate her behavior is / has been.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

MilesInman said:


> For some reason my post was cut in half. *Messages on her phone after that became sexual*. I don't think she is still talking to him but not convinced she didn't cheat. *Some of those messages were in the middle of the night*. Worst part, the Guy was a former student. They saw eachother all the time
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did you ask your wife about this at the time you discovered it?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

MilesInman said:


> I guess to get advice. I want to stay with my wife but I don't know if I could if I knew she cheated. Should I ask her plainly? It's been 6 months and I don't know if I should bring it up again. It's just eating at me. I've also considered talking to the guy


I just want to rectify your language. In both your thread and in this post, you equate cheating with a physical affair (PA).

She ALREADY cheated, by sexting him. That was a betrayal of her marriage vows to you. So the issue isn't whether she cheated, but how far it went.

I know this sounds like splitting hairs but it's important to grasp what cheating is. Cheating is creating a secret, private relationship with someone outside the marriage.

Essentially what you're saying is that sex is your dealbreaker.

As Entropy3000 says, why are you now concerned about whether or not she had sex then, if you think the affair is over?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MilesInman said:


> For some reason my post was cut in half. Messages on her phone after that became sexual. I don't think she is still talking to him but not convinced she didn't cheat. Some of those messages were in the middle of the night. Worst part, the Guy was a former student. They saw eachother all the time
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


One can kibitz about the meaning of cheating. But sexual talk is cybersex. That is cheating in my book. So yeah she cheated. If you count cheating as full penetration only then it is seems likely this could have happened. How would you know? Why are you certain she did not have sex with him?

Inappropriate -- texting at all with a student. Even about the weather.

Unfaithful -- Becoming involved with a student. Hiding this from you.

Cheating -- Having sexual conversation with the student. Likely a lot more but the sexual chat was plenty.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

When you said it was a student......for some stupid reason, i thought you meant college....you mean HIGH SCHOOL????

How old are the 2 of you? I must have missed something......


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

I hate to tell you but sometimes after a wayward spouse has tasted the forbidden fruit it becomes really difficult to give it up.

This affair may be over with, but now that she has gotten away with it without any real consequences she'll not hesitate to start a new one. It may take a few months or even a few years - but she will do it again if you don't resolve this issue.

Also, your wife has some serious issues if she's fooling around with teenage boys. Who's to say that she waited until he was 18 to start the affair? If she had relations with him when he was younger she could be facing jail time -- even if this comes to light several years hence. 

She has put your family, her career, and her freedom at great risk.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

MilesInman said:


> Droid x
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sooner or later one of the posters here will show you how to get deleted messages I think. Start there.

It woud be a good idea to put a VAR in her car and check to see who and what she is talking about.

How is she reacting? Are you still discussing this with her? Does she know you are this borhered?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

MilesInman said:


> They were mostly innocent but very Flirty.


*Flirting is never innocent,* especially between a married woman and another man who's _not_ her husband.
So stop believing that she was innocent and such. She knew what she was doing and she liked it.
She was just hoping you never found out.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

MilesInman said:


> I am pretty confident they aren't talking. *I know he is seeing someone* as he was single when this was happening. But I guess that doesn't stop married cheaters. I just don't know how to get proof when it was that long ago. I think the next step is to ask her and watch her reaction


And what makes you think that just because he is dating someone else he cannot flirt with your wife?
If he was able to flirt with a married woman then it shows he doesn't respect bounderies and won't have a problem to cheat on his date/gf with a married woman (probably your wife).


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

What is your relationship with your wife like currently? Any red flags like sexlife, passworded phones etc?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> *Flirting is never innocent,* especially between a married woman and another man who's _not_ her husband.
> So stop believing that she was innocent and such. She knew what she was doing and she liked it.
> She was just hoping you never found out.



And especially so when it is between a high school teacher and her ex-student.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My 1st plan of attack would be the VAR. Its a great tool, not only can you get a feel for how your wife behaves when you are not around, but you can cross reference to calls being made to and from work versus the call/times on the cellphone log. This either confirm or iliminates a burner phone.

If all is clean, then go for the polygraph test, sure it overboard but it seems you are at your limit.

If it turns up dirty then hire a PI. yes expensive but effective.

Again take the next few weeks to investigate, and see what happens. Hell rent a car and follow her,

Are there any other red flags?


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