# Less sex drive :(



## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

I feel less attracted to my BF because of some reasons. He can't come from a HJ or BJ, which makes me feel like a bad sex partner. He did tell me he never could come this way. Also it's hard he doesn't have a job, in a weird way this makes me feel less attracted to him. And always my low self esteem makes me too insecure.
Basicly, I do like sex, but I don't start it anymore, but if he doesn't start it, I do get worried.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

catfan said:


> I feel less attracted to my BF because of some reasons. He can't come from a HJ or BJ, which makes me feel like a bad sex partner. He did tell me he never could come this way. Also it's hard he doesn't have a job, in a weird way this makes me feel less attracted to him. And always my low self esteem makes me too insecure.
> Basicly, I do like sex, but I don't start it anymore, but if he doesn't start it, I do get worried.



If he can't orgasm from a hand job or blow job, try an oiled foot job or even anal, instead of PIV or oiled breast job.

The reason I say oiled is because if its just skin and dry, doesn't feel so good and I know I would never orgasm either.

Not having a job has to be stressful and that could kill his ability to orgasm too.

If you are passive and he is the aggressor type, then he should initiate.

If he's also passive, you must initiate when you are in the mood. If you don't, nothing will happen. I know this sucks but the squeaky wheel gets the grease, you initiate when you're in the mood or no sex happens. Men can't read women's minds you know.

Most men will never turn down their women for sex or anything they might want to try to spice it up. Go wild on him and never ask, go do it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

catfan said:


> I feel less attracted to my BF because of some reasons. He can't come from a HJ or BJ, which makes me feel like a bad sex partner. He did tell me he never could come this way. Also it's hard he doesn't have a job, in a weird way this makes me feel less attracted to him. And always my low self esteem makes me too insecure.
> Basicly, I do like sex, but I don't start it anymore, but if he doesn't start it, I do get worried.


Tell him he needs to stop being passive and look for his job during the day. Give him some time, when you see he's been responsible from this, you will give him some credit for taking care of himself.

Also, he can take a lesser job just to get something until he finds the job he really wants.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He's your boyfriend. He's not filling your needs. So why are you with him still? What are you doing about your low self esteem?

C


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

He should go get a job. I guess some guys just do not like BJs and HJs that much. That is not a reflection of your ability. Most guys do though so if that is important to you than you would have no problem finding a guy who would.


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## 312cpl (Jan 27, 2014)

During my first marriage, I struggled to orgasm from BJ and HJ. 
I just didn't understand why not at the time.

during my second marriage, my wife told me that I just sat there while she did the BJ or HJ. Se wanted me to vocalize how it feels to me. I am a bit quiet of a person. I never said anything during sexx before. So, she began demanding that I tell her how it feels. It took a few sessions, and I started using dirtier words, and just letting myself enjoy it and it turned her on more too. She would ask me questions to get me to respond. After a while you couldn't shut me up. And I was orgasming in her mouth and hand. She also taught me to move my hips during the BJ and HJ. Not extremely, but enough to f*ck her hand. 

good luck


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

catfan said:


> I feel less attracted to my BF because of some reasons. He can't come from a HJ or BJ, which makes me feel like a bad sex partner. He did tell me he never could come this way. Also it's hard he doesn't have a job, in a weird way this makes me feel less attracted to him. And always my low self esteem makes me too insecure.
> Basicly, I do like sex, but I don't start it anymore, but if he doesn't start it, I do get worried.


Seems to me, a guy, that if you can't cum from a HJ or BJ it's the guy's problem more than the gal's. Wow. And he could never cum that way? Is he any good in the sack in other ways? What can you do that turns him on other than BJ/HJ? Does he last an inordinate amount of time PIV? 

How long has he gone without having a job? Is it a long term unemployment or what? Is he in the Netherlands? I have friends there and although it can be difficult to get a job if you don't speak Dutch, once you have it, you pretty much have it. 

Your insecurity is an issue, but it's your issue not his, unless you translate a dislike of men towards him. That would affect me, as a guy, in my sex life and attitude towards my lover. When my fWW was mad at me after her affair, she was verbally abusive. That affected my sex drive. I'm not saying you're verbally abusive but insecutiry can send signals that might get similar results. However, if you're younger than 50 this should still not be that much of an issue.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: Less sex drive *



doubletrouble said:


> Seems to me, a guy, that if you can't cum from a HJ or BJ it's the guy's problem more than the gal's. Wow. And he could never cum that way? Is he any good in the sack in other ways? What can you do that turns him on other than BJ/HJ? Does he last an inordinate amount of time PIV?
> 
> How long has he gone without having a job? Is it a long term unemployment or what? Is he in the Netherlands? I have friends there and although it can be difficult to get a job if you don't speak Dutch, once you have it, you pretty much have it.
> 
> Your insecurity is an issue, but it's your issue not his, unless you translate a dislike of men towards him. That would affect me, as a guy, in my sex life and attitude towards my lover. When my fWW was mad at me after her affair, she was verbally abusive. That affected my sex drive. I'm not saying you're verbally abusive but insecutiry can send signals that might get similar results. However, if you're younger than 50 this should still not be that much of an issue.


He indeed said he never could come that way. He had one long relationship with his ex girlfriend and a long FWB thing going on after that. The ex girlfriend had her own issues with sex, and the FWB wasn't that attractive to him. Many things we do, he never did before with them. 

I think he likes PIV the most then he can O in seconds, but he can last long too if he wants to. He is easy to turn on really. But I'm the one, well, was the one trying fun things. I'm not that experienced, I had 3 lovers before him. So almost same number as him lol. But if it's this hard to make him O other ways than PIV... makes it feel not good enough. In porn, or what people say, it should be easy to O that way for men easily...I know not everyne is the same.

He went to school to learn Dutch, he got his diploma almost one year ago. He doesn't try hard enough to find a job. I indeed have low self esteem. Friday he went with me to my therapist to talk about the job situation, it's really a problem. There might be underlaying issues and he will look for help on that.

I know our troubles will influence our sex life, but even when it was all new and hot, he couldn't finish that way, and boy i tried with loads of techniques. By now, he ends by PIV and I don't look for new things anymore, zzzz.

B.t.w. I'm 40, look younger. He is 7 years younger, I used to have a bit older BF's. We live together for almost 3 years now. 

Everyone thanks for their reactions . And no, I will not do anal, that is the one thing I refuse because of bowel problems and pain.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

312cpl offered some techniques I would try if I were your bf. It sounds like perhaps he's more engaged with PIV, but otherwise there's something in his physical response that's missing. With an enthusiastic lover doing her best, hell that would be good enough for every guy I know. Maybe have a two way conversation, letting him know how much it turns you on to be able to make him cum that way. Put some of your scent under his nose. Things like that. Give him more stimulus. 

The job situation doesn't seem to me to be enough for sexual problems to arise. I know it's a lot of pressure for a man; we're taught from a young age (well, I was anyway) that we are to be the family supporter, that it's a man's responsibility and so on. So if you're unable to do that, it could translate to a sexual problem. If you aren't pressuring him on that, however, then it's still not anything you're doing or not doing. It's in his head. Especially when he's only 33. Ah, to be 33 again.


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## MisterG (Jan 24, 2014)

catfan said:


> He went to school to learn Dutch, he got his diploma almost one year ago. He doesn't try hard enough to find a job. I indeed have low self esteem. Friday he went with me to my therapist to talk about the job situation, it's really a problem. There might be underlaying issues and he will look for help on that.


You said he doesn't try hard enough to find a job, and laziness (whether real or perceived) is not sexy. It's not the whole problem, but it's something he can work on right now to improve your relationship. 

Maybe there are some good underlying reasons he is not getting a job, or maybe he's found it's easier to sit at home and let you support him (there is no way for us to know). But unless you know of a really good reason he can't work, I agree with treyvion and usmarriedguy that he needs to find a job. 

And along the lines of what Pbear said: if he's lazy, and your getting bored with the sex, and he's not contributing financially, why are you staying with him? If he's like this now, things probably won't get better if you marry him or settle into a long term relationship.


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## Depth.Inside (Jul 5, 2012)

He needs a job...... now on to the sex. Im a dude and would rather talk about that.

My wife and I have been having sex for well, well over 20 years. I have NEVER been an easy cumer. To date, she has only blown me to orgasm a few times. She is willing to try but honestly, if I cant control speed, pressure, etc. it just doesnt happen or it takes a VERY long time. 

Even when she wants to swallow I let her do her stuff for a while and then I have to take the matter into my own hands, literally, until I am almost there and then she can have it back. 

Keep in mind, during actual sex I rarely cum in under say 20-30 minutes. It has always been like this. This could be legit with your BF too.

The no job thing is something else entirely. That really needs addressed.


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