# How to you get over someone you care for and worry about?



## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

My wife and I have been in a rough marriage for a couple years now and divorce is on our horizon. She cheated on me, then checked out and put very little effort into fixing what made our marriage fragile (it was fragile before she cheated, we just collectively did nothing about it). Divorce has only been agreed upon in the last few days. I'm really struggling to get past the idea that I still have love for my wife. I can't stop thinking about her struggling with depression and not having a positive person around (I've always been the much more optimistic one). I know it's been her that has put me through the ringer for the last 2+ years, but I can't stop thinking that I'm equipped to be strong and I worry she's not. I'm not at all comfortable with getting a divorce, but I know I can't chase her anymore. She keeps putting full blame on herself and complimenting me on being a good husband and father. She keeps telling me she knows I'll make someone very happy some day. She even said she wished it could be her. To this I'm thinking WTF?!?! If she wants it to be her, then she needs to get her head out of her *** and change her life. She could have had me if she just TRIED to be better. She's telling me that we have no passion anymore, which I can't necessarily argue as we've been physically unattached for 2+ years. She's trying to convince me that there's been no passion for a long time. I'll take blame for part of that as I've had a fragile ego about my own sexual desires. She's admitted the same to me. So, if we've both been holding back on sex... why can't we both work towards better passion? She said the OM she cheated on me with was much more passionate. Well la-de-da... it was an affair. That's like saying water is wet. We have 2 kids and have put ourselves on the back burner for a while now. I guess the crucks of my rambling is; I worry I'll struggle to watch her fail. I'm going to have contact with her regularly because of our children. I worry about how I'll give up a woman I think is flawed but I love her. I'm in the process of finding a counselor to talk to about this. What else do people do?


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## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

You can't fix people. She cheated, she made no effort to fix the marriage. It's not your responsibility anymore to worry about being her rock as she battles depression. Fix your own life and move on, hopefully she gets herself help.


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## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

I'm a casual runner, I've started working out too, I'm trying to rely on friends for support (not sympathy), I've started a good job in the last few months, we're selling our house and I'm hoping to finally buy a house in a good area but with some warts I can fix (which she'd never go for), my kids are great and making me SOO proud... I feel like I have a lot going for me that should help. Yet, I still worry.


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## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

2arebetter said:


> I'm a casual runner, I've started working out too, I'm trying to rely on friends for support (not sympathy), I've started a good job in the last few months, we're selling our house and I'm hoping to finally buy a house in a good area but with some warts I can fix (which she'd never go for), my kids are great and making me SOO proud... I feel like I have a lot going for me that should help. Yet, I still worry.


Worrying is perfectly normal. Right now I'm dealing with issues with my son where I feel powerless to help him, it's an awful feeling. But I just have to come back to the fact that he's 17, he's making the decisions he's making, and I can't fix him. If he asks for help I'll be right to give it, but I can't force it on him. For my other 2 kids health and happiness I have to let him crash and burn. You may have to do the same for your ex-wife.


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## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

username77 said:


> Worrying is perfectly normal. Right now I'm dealing with issues with my son where I feel powerless to help him, it's an awful feeling. But I just have to come back to the fact that he's 17, he's making the decisions he's making, and I can't fix him. If he asks for help I'll be right to give it, but I can't force it on him. For my other 2 kids health and happiness I have to let him crash and burn. You may have to do the same for your ex-wife.


Oh man. Sorry to hear about that. As the father of 2 little girls I hope we don't have to go through that.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You're doing her no service by saving her.

People have to learn to deal with hardship or challenges on their own. Consider letting her deal with things and without wanting to save her.

You can care for her wellbeing, but ultimately, she is responsible for it.


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## dickcliffordtw (Feb 20, 2018)

2arebetter said:


> My wife and I have been in a rough marriage for a couple years now and divorce is on our horizon. She cheated on me, then checked out and put very little effort into fixing what made our marriage fragile (it was fragile before she cheated, we just collectively did nothing about it). Divorce has only been agreed upon in the last few days. I'm really struggling to get past the idea that I still have love for my wife. I can't stop thinking about her struggling with depression and not having a positive person around (I've always been the much more optimistic one). I know it's been her that has put me through the ringer for the last 2+ years, but I can't stop thinking that I'm equipped to be strong and I worry she's not. I'm not at all comfortable with getting a divorce, but I know I can't chase her anymore. She keeps putting full blame on herself and complimenting me on being a good husband and father. She keeps telling me she knows I'll make someone very happy some day. She even said she wished it could be her. To this I'm thinking WTF?!?! If she wants it to be her, then she needs to get her head out of her *** and change her life. She could have had me if she just TRIED to be better. She's telling me that we have no passion anymore, which I can't necessarily argue as we've been physically unattached for 2+ years. She's trying to convince me that there's been no passion for a long time. I'll take blame for part of that as I've had a fragile ego about my own sexual desires. She's admitted the same to me. So, if we've both been holding back on sex... why can't we both work towards better passion? She said the OM she cheated on me with was much more passionate. Well la-de-da... it was an affair. That's like saying water is wet. We have 2 kids and have put ourselves on the back burner for a while now. I guess the crucks of my rambling is; I worry I'll struggle to watch her fail. I'm going to have contact with her regularly because of our children. I worry about how I'll give up a woman I think is flawed but I love her. I'm in the process of finding a counselor to talk to about this. What else do people do?


how can you say you love her and physically unattached for two years? no wonder she cheated on you. marriage without sex is unbearable. i am sure her boyfriend is primarily for sex not loving 

Sent from my SM-P555Y using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you still love her and dont want a divorce then how about you both get some long term marriage counselling and give it a year?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

2arebetter said:


> My wife and I have been in a rough marriage for a couple years now and divorce is on our horizon. She cheated on me, then checked out and put very little effort into fixing what made our marriage fragile (it was fragile before she cheated, we just collectively did nothing about it). Divorce has only been agreed upon in the last few days. I'm really struggling to get past the idea that I still have love for my wife. I can't stop thinking about her struggling with depression and not having a positive person around (I've always been the much more optimistic one). I know it's been her that has put me through the ringer for the last 2+ years, but I can't stop thinking that I'm equipped to be strong and I worry she's not. I'm not at all comfortable with getting a divorce, but I know I can't chase her anymore. She keeps putting full blame on herself and complimenting me on being a good husband and father. She keeps telling me she knows I'll make someone very happy some day. She even said she wished it could be her. To this I'm thinking WTF?!?! If she wants it to be her, then she needs to get her head out of her *** and change her life. She could have had me if she just TRIED to be better. She's telling me that we have no passion anymore, which I can't necessarily argue as we've been physically unattached for 2+ years. She's trying to convince me that there's been no passion for a long time. I'll take blame for part of that as I've had a fragile ego about my own sexual desires. She's admitted the same to me. So, if we've both been holding back on sex... why can't we both work towards better passion? She said the OM she cheated on me with was much more passionate. Well la-de-da... it was an affair. That's like saying water is wet. We have 2 kids and have put ourselves on the back burner for a while now. I guess the crucks of my rambling is; I worry I'll struggle to watch her fail. I'm going to have contact with her regularly because of our children. I worry about how I'll give up a woman I think is flawed but I love her. I'm in the process of finding a counselor to talk to about this. What else do people do?


Start reading books about codependency. Codependency no more, would be a good one to start.

You may find out what you think you have for her is not really love. At the very least it's not healthy love. And it's not good for your kids to see it. You may also discover that she will be fine after you divorce and this whole idea that she was helpless just let you justify her mistreatment of you and your unhealthy desire to stay together. 

Your wife is not a child. She is a grown adult who makes her own choices and who in the end will be accountable for her own choices. Preventing the ramifications of those choices will just collect all the result at the head of the dam which will eventually brake whatever your desire. 

Yeah I am blunt, I know it, but you are not thinking right and it's going to end up hurting your kids. No child should have to watch one parent abuse the other and then that abused parent call it love.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Get into individual counseling ASAP. And for your sake, implement "the 180" against her!

And make sure that you have consulted with a good family attorney to help make you aware of all of your custodial and property rights! *


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Once you start banging some strange you will see things differently!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

2arebetter said:


> My wife and I have been in a rough marriage for a couple years now and divorce is on our horizon. She cheated on me, then checked out and put very little effort into fixing what made our marriage fragile (it was fragile before she cheated, we just collectively did nothing about it). Divorce has only been agreed upon in the last few days. I'm really struggling to get past the idea that I still have love for my wife. I can't stop thinking about her struggling with depression and not having a positive person around (I've always been the much more optimistic one). I know it's been her that has put me through the ringer for the last 2+ years, but I can't stop thinking that I'm equipped to be strong and I worry she's not. I'm not at all comfortable with getting a divorce, but I know I can't chase her anymore. She keeps putting full blame on herself and complimenting me on being a good husband and father. She keeps telling me she knows I'll make someone very happy some day. She even said she wished it could be her. To this I'm thinking WTF?!?! If she wants it to be her, then she needs to get her head out of her *** and change her life. She could have had me if she just TRIED to be better. She's telling me that we have no passion anymore, which I can't necessarily argue as we've been physically unattached for 2+ years. She's trying to convince me that there's been no passion for a long time. I'll take blame for part of that as I've had a fragile ego about my own sexual desires. She's admitted the same to me. So, if we've both been holding back on sex... why can't we both work towards better passion? She said the OM she cheated on me with was much more passionate. Well la-de-da... it was an affair. That's like saying water is wet. We have 2 kids and have put ourselves on the back burner for a while now. I guess the crucks of my rambling is; I worry I'll struggle to watch her fail. I'm going to have contact with her regularly because of our children. I worry about how I'll give up a woman I think is flawed but I love her. I'm in the process of finding a counselor to talk to about this. What else do people do?


She doesn’t want you anymore, but she realizes that she still has to co-parent with you for the next X number of years, so she doesn’t want to just say that. She’s trying to cushion the blow.

Plus, if she can manage to keep you on the hook as a “friend”, it will be much easier for her to bend you to her will post-divorce, even though it will be under the guise of “for the kids”.

Read up on and implement the 180. It should help quite a bit with the detachment you’re seeking (and need!).


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Hey 2are better! Ahh, relationships are so tricky (obviously, because we're all here asking random people for advice, haha). I'm so sorry for your situation. You clearly care about your wife and her well-being. The hardest part about thinking you can "save" someone is that you can only do it if they want to help themselves. Has she ever sought help or tried to change her behaviour on her own, without you pushing her?

I can really relate to your wife in terms of mental health. I struggle with anxiety and find myself panicking when I think about leaving my husband (even though he doesn't want the marriage to be over). However, at the end of the day, we only have ourselves. He could leave me at any time (by choice, by death etc) and I would have to deal with my health and struggles on my own. If I used my husband as a crutch for more than a temporary struggle, I wouldn't be any better off and neither will your wife if you keep coddling her (sorry if that sounds rude). I think you need to give her some space to figure out why she's so unhappy to stray, and to sort out her mental health issues. 

In the mean time, have you heard of Esther Perel? She has some great books, podcasts, and audio books about why people cheat. It might help you get some personal insight into the matter.


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## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

I feel like in the short term I've kind of come more to grips with the idea of splitting up. I was having a pretty rough day when I posted this. 

Our kids don't know yet. We're going into counseling to understand how to best be there for our kids as individuals (not to save a marriage). Since we're at this early stage we're still living together and kind of putting up appearances. I know the kids know something's up, but we're trying our best to keep them out of it for now. There's been no arguing or negative talk around them. We need to get a couple things out of the way (putting down family dog and kid's birthday) before we break it to the kids. 

It's been a passionless marriage for 2+ years. I'm doing my best to imagine myself back out in the mix. I've daydreamed about having someone that meets my needs (emotional and physical) and it's giving me hope for the future. It has also helped that I work a couple days a week from a city high-rise that has plenty of attractive and professional women around.

After everything has settled I do hope to be able to repair some sort of friendship with my (ex)wife for the kids sake. Her parents are split up and do a really good job coming together for important things. I envy that about them and want to do the same.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

I'm glad to hear you've found peace in a decision that feels right for you. Good for you for honouring yourself! It won't come without pain, but at least it'll be true to you.

I am new to this site and I just posted under this thread. Would you mind reading my post? I would love some insight from someone who has taken the step I'm too scared to make. My post is called "He NEVER talks..."


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

...


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## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

Machjo said:


> You seem unsure about divorce. Have you considered legal separation instead while giving it a year to think about it?


To be honest, yeah.... I am unsure about divorce. I want nothing more than for our marriage to work. But I've done more than I should have to save it and I haven't been met with any effort from my wife. I still hold hope for a small chance that our marriage could work, but the effort can't come from me. I feel like I need to take our marriage to the brink of ending to see if my wife would do anything to save it. If she doesn't, then it's truly over. If she's really out of love with me then it should end. If she's just too stubborn (a strong characteristic of hers) to do anything at then end, then I can't help her either. 

I'm open to saving our marriage if there's a way that I'm not the only one working for it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What makes you think she isn’t still cheating or has started back up. Many cheaters when caught just get smarter and take it further underground.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It's not pleasant but you'll get through it. Many great folks here have. I haven't been here long but many posts I've read in my opinion are spot on. Dear Lord, think about your future.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

First you cannot save anyone from themselves.
If she wants to end it, let her go.
Maybe when she is on her own she 
will then see what she gave up on.
Maybe not. You should be there 
for the kids and kids only.
Do not become someone who
she runs to every time things get
rough. When she finds out the grass 
is not all ways greener on the other side
she will understand.


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