# Tough times



## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Hi all. Wasn't sure where to post this to be honest. Just having a tough time lately getting past the gaslighting. I mean I was hit with everything when she asked for separation: 17 years of misery, emotionally abusive, narcissist, controlling, jealous, perfectionist, angry all of the time, liar, manipulative and finally too perfect. Then when I caught her extra-marital activities I deserved it of course and she tried to lie about the timing and say it was after she filed for divorce (which is bull). Just curious how people on here got past the self blame and guilt of it all?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tailrider3 said:


> Hi all. Wasn't sure where to post this to be honest. Just having a tough time lately getting past the gaslighting. I mean I was hit with everything when she asked for separation: 17 years of misery, emotionally abusive, narcissist, controlling, jealous, perfectionist, angry all of the time, liar, manipulative and finally too perfect. Then when I caught her extra-marital activities I deserved it of course and she tried to lie about the timing and say it was after she filed for divorce (which is bull). Just curious how people on here got past the self blame and guilt of it all?


It's difficult. I would suggest counselling to help you get through this painful period in your life.

And we will be here for you, of course.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You first have to realize that, since you own no blame for this, you should feel no guilt for it.

And then you have to _believe_ it.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> You first have to realize that, since you own no blame for this, you should feel no guilt for it.
> 
> And then you have to _believe_ it.


And that's not easy. Counseling helps. Are you seeing a therapist?


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

tailrider3 said:


> Hi all. Wasn't sure where to post this to be honest. Just having a tough time lately getting past the gaslighting. I mean I was hit with everything when she asked for separation: 17 years of misery, emotionally abusive, narcissist, controlling, jealous, perfectionist, angry all of the time, liar, manipulative and finally too perfect. Then when I caught her extra-marital activities I deserved it of course and she tried to lie about the timing and say it was after she filed for divorce (which is bull). Just curious how people on here got past the self blame and guilt of it all?


Realize you deserve better than a lying cheater. Cheaters frequently lie to themselves so they do not have to live with the guilt of owning cheating. She probably has convinced herself that it was all your fault she cheated. But in reality it probably has very little to do with you.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

No matter what your problems were you did not deserve to have your wife be unfaithful. It's immature and lacks honesty. It's also cowardly to only leave a relationship after securing a new love interest first. It all sucks. Distance and time seem to help. After a while they are just this annoying bug you have to deal with for the kids.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Yeah. I am seeing a therapist. It's interesting when you talk to someone and they objectively yell you things you missed, pain you put up with out of love. I know it is only my side, but, what is right is right (like the hoarding and OCD...37 baseball caps, 90 workout dvds, on and on). Anyways, mornings always seem to be the worst. Just get that feeling that no one will want you even though I honestly have women calling me. Just can't shake it. Too fresh as I guess as it has only been a little over 2 weeks.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

tailrider3 said:


> Yeah. I am seeing a therapist. It's interesting when you talk to someone and they objectively yell you things you missed, pain you put up with out of love. I know it is only my side, but, what is right is right (like the hoarding and OCD...37 baseball caps, 90 workout dvds, on and on). Anyways, mornings always seem to be the worst. Just get that feeling that no one will want you even though I honestly have women calling me. Just can't shake it. Too fresh as I guess as it has only been a little over 2 weeks.


From just your two posts, I am going to make a wild guess and predict you will be thankful for what has happened, sooner rather than later.>


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Exercise, weight lifting is best, gives you an immediate ego and natural high boost. Go shopping for a new more up to date wardrobe. Get a new style haircut. Facial hair, cut it off or new trim. No hafacial hair? Grow some.

Concentrate on some new hobbies, new activities, especially ones your ex wasn't approving of. Do things you had to hesitate before. Keep busy, no or very little self medicating with drink or other things.

You now have unlimited opportunities ahead of you. Take advantage of them.

Download the book MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER. (hint: it isn't a sex manual)

Check out the free download NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY. This may or may not apply to you but you will be able to tell after a few pages.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

From another website:

She wants to divorce with you being the bad guy. Then she can meet a great guy (that she already has lined up) and "start" dating him. Then she can introduce this great guy that she met after the divorce to the family and ultimately get married. Very clean. OM would never date a married woman.

This is especially important for her if you have kids. It's difficult to have a new life with the other man (OM) when he's the guy that broke up the family. Even if the marriage has been bad for years everyone will blame the OM since he was the catalyst.

The only reason to delay divorce is to reveal the real reason that it's happening now. That way she will be more of a bad guy than you.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Thanks all


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Full exposure without warning if you have the guts to do it.

Let them deal with the aftermath.

It's great closure. Just stick up on popcorn and watch the show.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> Full exposure without warning if you have the guts to do it.
> 
> Let them deal with the aftermath.
> 
> It's great closure. Just stock up on popcorn and watch the show.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I see this all the time.

Run to IC or MC !!!!!

Most of the time you just need to stand up quit taking **** and live your own life.

Go your own way. 

You do have to get your head out of your ass first.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

Hey buddy keep posting. Keep us updated on how you're doing...


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Lol. Funny with head out of my ass. I am doing my thing now and give no quarter on anything. Go as I please and have some "friends". I just have to live in the same house with her until this is over and it sucks. She is totally dragging her feet after screaming at me how she wants a divorce so fast and can't stand the sight of my face. She actually filed for divorce but I had to force her legally to submit paperwork and for her to set a pre trial conference date. Just to fill in some blanks, I almost caught her cheating but had the kid's with me so stopped. She cracked under pressure and flipped out and scared her family and the kids. Her family confronted her and wanted to do an intervention. She flipped again and filed for divorce. Then weeks later I found evidence and she was like "that was after I filed so it is fine". Ah....not according to the dates. And even funnier is I said okay then you don't mind if I talk to your brother about it do you? Ahhhh...no...she minded.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

OP that's horrible I'm sorry you had to go through this, so how did you actually find out. Give us a complete story if you can.? And tell us how you doing now.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

tailrider3 said:


> Lol. Funny with head out of my ass. I am doing my thing now and give no quarter on anything. Go as I please and have some "friends". I just have to live in the same house with her until this is over and it sucks. She is totally dragging her feet after screaming at me how she wants a divorce so fast and can't stand the sight of my face. She actually filed for divorce but I had to force her legally to submit paperwork and for her to set a pre trial conference date. Just to fill in some blanks, I almost caught her cheating but had the kid's with me so stopped. She cracked under pressure and flipped out and scared her family and the kids. Her family confronted her and wanted to do an intervention. She flipped again and filed for divorce. Then weeks later I found evidence and she was like "that was after I filed so it is fine". Ah....not according to the dates. And even funnier is I said okay then you don't mind if I talk to your brother about it do you? Ahhhh...no...she minded.


Expose her from the roof tops to her family, friends, everyone who will listen, burst her bubble so fast that her head will spin.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Hmmm. It was all legal how I found out but would rather not get into details in case it is used as evidence. Let's just say before you give your children something to play with ensure that it is safe and appropriate. Also you can't really go public with things without getting in trouble legally. I would tell her family as we were so close but they will side with her story anyways.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

tailrider3 said:


> Hmmm. It was all legal how I found out but would rather not get into details in case it is used as evidence. Let's just say before you give your children something to play with ensure that it is safe and appropriate. *Also you can't really go public with things without getting in trouble legally.* I would tell her family as we were so close but they will side with her story anyways.


You can in the US as long as you can prove what you're saying.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

It's true. I am judgmental but I question the type of girl who is calling a guy after only 2 weeks separated. RUN! That screams of a desperate woman who isn't emotionally very stable. Work on you first, give it time. That is my two cents, others might disagree.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

tailrider3 said:


> Lol. Funny with head out of my ass. *I am doing my thing now and give no quarter on anything. Go as I please and have some "friends".* I just have to live in the same house with her until this is over and it sucks. She is totally dragging her feet after screaming at me how she wants a divorce so fast and can't stand the sight of my face. She actually filed for divorce but I had to force her legally to submit paperwork and for her to set a pre trial conference date. Just to fill in some blanks, I almost caught her cheating but had the kid's with me so stopped. She cracked under pressure and flipped out and scared her family and the kids. Her family confronted her and wanted to do an intervention. She flipped again and filed for divorce. Then weeks later I found evidence and she was like "that was after I filed so it is fine". Ah....not according to the dates. And even funnier is I said okay then you don't mind if I talk to your brother about it do you? Ahhhh...no...she minded.


You're ahead of most at this point. A hard 180 will help it even more.

I would inform the other mans wife. Assuming he's married.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

tailrider3 said:


> Yeah. I am seeing a therapist. It's interesting when you talk to someone and they objectively yell you things you missed, pain you put up with out of love. I know it is only my side, but, what is right is right (like the hoarding and OCD...37 baseball caps, 90 workout dvds, on and on). Anyways, mornings always seem to be the worst. Just get that feeling that no one will want you even though I honestly have women calling me. Just can't shake it. Too fresh as I guess as it has only been a little over 2 weeks.


So glad to hear that you're seeing a therapist--stick with it. It takes a LONG time to work through this stuff! I wouldn't expect you to b over it in 2 weeks. For some people, it's something you never "get over;" you just learn to manage the emotions so you don't obsess about it all the time.

And it's not going to be a linear progression. Have you ever seen the image below?










That is what it's like, working through the trauma of the betrayal and the end of a marriage.

Keep posting here. We will do our best to help you through it. (From personal experience, TAM was a HUGE help in me surviving my divorce and learning how to thrive after.)


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Just lost in self blame lately as the pre trial conference approaches. I am not perfect and I used to have a short fuse but I did everything to be perfect. I did laundry, dishes every night, cleaned bathrooms, landscaping, bottles, diapers, food shopping every week. I did all I could to help and she was a stay at home Mom. I didn't get up past midnight unless it was an emergency as I had to work. Anyways. I did all this as every time I asked what the problem was, why she was so blah, it was that she was exhausted. I worked hard and made it to near the top so money is not an issue. Yet, I could not pull her out of whatever was going on. We lost a son with a late term abortion due to a fatal genetic issue and then about 3 years later she lost her Mom who was her best and only friend. I couldn't turn the tide. I let her buy whatever she wanted to make her happy but in the end she did lose herself and I can't find her for her. I blame me even though I know it is not really me. She had her hobbies, two gym memberships, a home gym...whatever but it was not enough. I told her I loved her every day. She is just lost and I can't see her hand to grab her and bring her back.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

tailrider3 said:


> Hi all. Wasn't sure where to post this to be honest. Just having a tough time lately getting past the gaslighting. I mean I was hit with everything when she asked for separation: 17 years of misery, emotionally abusive, narcissist, controlling, jealous, perfectionist, angry all of the time, liar, manipulative and finally too perfect. Then when I caught her extra-marital activities I deserved it of course and she tried to lie about the timing and say it was after she filed for divorce (which is bull). Just curious how people on here got past the self blame and guilt of it all?


*I was exactly like you, kind Sir!

I found out everything, and even more than I had ever suspected, all during the "trial separation!"*


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

tailrider3 said:


> Just lost in self blame lately as the pre trial conference approaches. I am not perfect and I used to have a short fuse but I did everything to be perfect. I did laundry, dishes every night, cleaned bathrooms, landscaping, bottles, diapers, food shopping every week. I did all I could to help and she was a stay at home Mom. I didn't get up past midnight unless it was an emergency as I had to work. Anyways. I did all this as every time I asked what the problem was, why she was so blah, it was that she was exhausted. I worked hard and made it to near the top so money is not an issue. Yet, I could not pull her out of whatever was going on. We lost a son with a late term abortion due to a fatal genetic issue and then about 3 years later she lost her Mom who was her best and only friend. I couldn't turn the tide. I let her buy whatever she wanted to make her happy but in the end she did lose herself and I can't find her for her. I blame me even though I know it is not really me. She had her hobbies, two gym memberships, a home gym...whatever but it was not enough. I told her I loved her every day. She is just lost and I can't see her hand to grab her and bring her back.


Ease up on yourself. As you just stated here, you cannot do it for her or save her. Do look at your past behavior honestly though, so that you can work on the negative things so you dont repeat them in any future relationships you may have. She sounds like a trainwreck. WHY is she still in your house when SHE is the one who wants out so badly? I'd tell her to get the hell out and get on with her miserable life.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

tailrider3 said:


> Just lost in self blame lately as the pre trial conference approaches. I am not perfect and I used to have a short fuse but I did everything to be perfect. I did laundry, dishes every night, cleaned bathrooms, landscaping, bottles, diapers, food shopping every week. I did all I could to help and she was a stay at home Mom. I didn't get up past midnight unless it was an emergency as I had to work. Anyways. I did all this as every time I asked what the problem was, why she was so blah, it was that she was exhausted. I worked hard and made it to near the top so money is not an issue. Yet, I could not pull her out of whatever was going on. We lost a son with a late term abortion due to a fatal genetic issue and then about 3 years later she lost her Mom who was her best and only friend. I couldn't turn the tide. I let her buy whatever she wanted to make her happy but in the end she did lose herself and I can't find her for her. I blame me even though I know it is not really me. She had her hobbies, two gym memberships, a home gym...whatever but it was not enough. I told her I loved her every day. She is just lost and I can't see her hand to grab her and bring her back.


She is a complete and utter fool. But the last sentence of your post worries me. I hope that by now, if you could indeed see her hand, you would not grab it. 

And, if she is lost, (which by the way, I cringe at that phrase when cheating is involved because I just plain don't believe it I think it is complete and utter BS), she needs to find her own way. You can't fix this. So keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep going to therapy, and know that one day, a woman who is deserving of you and who is of your high moral caliber will come into your life. Or not, but it's far better than what you had with your STBX.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

tailrider3 said:


> . I told her I loved her every day. She is just lost and *I can't see her hand to grab her and bring her back.*


Great analogy..
Decent of you to love her so much. Really decent.

You cannot find her hand?
Her one hand is behind your back.

It contains a knife. Aimed at you.
It's wrist holds a tied-on Jar, a jar with a Crisis in it. Presently it is at the Mid Point Centerline.
.......................................................................................................................
And you are so right....better to say correct.

She IS lost. 

Please note her other hand, the one, not behind your back, yes that one...
That one is being pulled by outside forces, outside her control, your' control.
Splitting forces, clouding compulsions are at play here.

I should stop offering this UP. I am the lone Schlubb spouting this Pyroclastic phenomenon.
Instead of being viewed as being "Credible" I get tagged with being "Eccentric". Worse words than that.:grin2:

Guilty and strange, if I 'continue' to lay it out. For all to view. 
Guilty if not exposing this to Newbies on TAM, who have not heard these thoughts before.

You see:
I am losing my patience. 
I am sure I am causing others to lose theirs. :surprise:

No, you do not see. And for that I am truly sorry. :|


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Great analogy..
> 
> Decent of you to love her so much. Really decent.
> 
> ...




I'm sure there are some who may see your writing style as an acquired taste but I have always enjoyed it -- you make me stretch my mind muscle instead of just cruising posts to pass the insomnia time 

OP, this will pass and you will heal. I would definitely keep in mind that you cannot save anyone who doesn't truly want to be saved -- and even if they do want it, you have to save yourself first. One foot in front of the other, keep going to counseling, and stay in frequent contact with your support system. Regardless of what she has sucked out of you, you still have so much more to offer -- at least to someone who will appreciate and reciprocate it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@KaraBoo0723 !!

My not namesakes, my one-half-genetic *kin, herded Caribou in Lapland.
A land of Finns, finis, nay, never done, never finished. I follow this herd..these heard sounds, to whatever end.

*This, per----> "23 and Me".


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Thank you for all your responses. If she reached her hand out now I would not grab it sadly. Being a volunteer fireman I am inclined to save people it is my nature. When she said she was sick and had issues I did anything to try and save her. I also did anything to try and save my marriage. but you are right in that I have to focus on me. When I went to my psychiatrist and even in all my other activities I always ask how I can be better or what am I doing wrong. it was hard to pin down problems in our relationship as she threw the book at me and I was everything. However I took an honest look at myself and worked on my problems for over a year now. the validation that the work I am doing is actually bearing fruit comes from my children. They have said how great a father I Have Become. They said I was good before but now I am even better. I'm going to keep my eyes out for that next person for that person that will put their arm around me after an horrific call and say are you okay do you want some breakfast? it's really the simple things I want and it is the simple things that I have been missing for a long time.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hey, tail rider..... on a fire truck.

Does it have a steering wheel on the tail end? Do those super long fire trucks exist anymore?

You can can come over to my place.

We will make you breakfast...bring the children.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

dude, gameplan !! What is yours from here on out ?


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Oh I have a game plan. No worries on that. Court date is coming. That breakfast comment was a true story. I came home from a really bad call and personally saved two people in a horrific situation. It was very early in the morning and when I came home everyone was asleep. I just sat in my kitchen for a while kind of stunned and taking everything in. I adjust fought to save someone's life for about half an hour and spoke with them the whole time and was a little stunned. I told my kids when they woke up what happened and I told my wife. I had expected when kids reaction which was fine but my wife was indifferent. Not that I want someone to jump up and down and see what hero I was. I was just visibly different and it would have been nice to just have her ask if I was okay. Instead I just sucked it up and in a few hours we drove away for vacation and that was that.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

I ride a rescue pumper. I wish I could ride on the tail all old school but damn insurance. Thanks for the breakfast invite. See you soon my friend..


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

And for the record I threw her out twice but she won't leave despite how she repeatedly says that she can't stand to see my face (and I think I am handsome..lol). She can stay with her family a few nights a week which I suggested but no. Crazy.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@tailrider3

You ARE a hero, and you deserve a woman who will recognize and appreciate it. 

You are a strong person, and you will survive this. And I think once you work through all this muck, you will thrive.

It will all get easier when you can get her out of your house.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

And I just want to say, it seems ludicrous to me that she is so insistent on staying in the house. Just illogical.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

The whole thing is illogical. My therapy went so well that she actually commented that I'm too perfect now and that's a problem too. When she said that to the marriage counselor the counselor threw her hands up in the air like what's your problem? Anyways I just have to get past it. I'm one of those people that wants to fix everything right now and my level of patience is so small. But I will learn.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

tailrider3 said:


> The whole thing is illogical. My therapy went so well that she actually commented that I'm too perfect now and that's a problem too. When she said that to the marriage counselor the counselor threw her hands up in the air like what's your problem? Anyways I just have to get past it. I'm one of those people that wants to fix everything right now and my level of patience is so small. But I will learn.


Patience is a learned skill, and much of it has to do with learning to give up control, and the desire to control outcomes, or anything outside yourself. Patience comes much more easily after that.

You're on your way, that's obvious. She sees that, and that's what is driving her up a wall 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

tailrider3 said:


> Just lost in self blame lately as the pre trial conference approaches. I am not perfect and I used to have a short fuse but I did everything to be perfect. I did laundry, dishes every night, cleaned bathrooms, landscaping, bottles, diapers, food shopping every week. I did all I could to help and she was a stay at home Mom. I didn't get up past midnight unless it was an emergency as I had to work. Anyways. I did all this as every time I asked what the problem was, why she was so blah, it was that she was exhausted. I worked hard and made it to near the top so money is not an issue. Yet, I could not pull her out of whatever was going on. We lost a son with a late term abortion due to a fatal genetic issue and then about 3 years later she lost her Mom who was her best and only friend. I couldn't turn the tide. I let her buy whatever she wanted to make her happy but in the end she did lose herself and I can't find her for her. I blame me even though I know it is not really me. She had her hobbies, two gym memberships, a home gym...whatever but it was not enough. I told her I loved her every day. She is just lost and I can't see her hand to grab her and bring her back.



You obviously haven't read MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER yet. You really should. Your low expectations of her did you in.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Hmmm...control. I have to work on that....lol. As they say, let go and let God.


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