# Attraction fizzling out?



## Sunshine365

My husband and I have been together since we were 17, it'll be 20 years together next year. We really have a great marriage with no real issues. I love him and he's my best friend. BUT, I'm finding I'm not very physically attracted to him anymore. There's no "spark" for me anymore. Our sex life is active and fine, but even then, I don't find myself very "excited" for him. Is this just a normal stage of a long term relationships? Sometimes I feel like we're more just best friends that have sex than madly in love crazy attracted lovers. But is that just "normal"?


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## minimalME

Yes, I think what you're feeling is completely normal, whereas an expectation of constant excitement, passion and crazy attraction would be unrealistic and unreasonable. No one can sustain that.


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## Numb26

Boredom can be a relationship killer


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## minimalME

Numb26 said:


> Boredom can be a relationship killer


Then don't be boring. 😊


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## Numb26

minimalME said:


> Then don't be boring. 😊


Can't stop it, it just happens. Imagine having the same thing for dinner for 20 years. Gets boring.


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## RandomDude

Sunshine365 said:


> My husband and I have been together since we were 17, it'll be 20 years together next year. We really have a great marriage with no real issues. I love him and he's my best friend. BUT, I'm finding I'm not very physically attracted to him anymore. There's no "spark" for me anymore. Our sex life is active and fine, but even then, I don't find myself very "excited" for him. Is this just a normal stage of a long term relationships? Sometimes I feel like we're more just best friends that have sex than madly in love crazy attracted lovers. But is that just "normal"?


When was the last time you guys went on a date together?


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## Sunshine365

minimalME said:


> Yes, I think what you're feeling is completely normal, whereas an expectation of constant excitement, passion and crazy attraction would be unrealistic and unreasonable. No one can sustain that.


But what do I do if the attraction doesn't come back? I'm concerned our marriage is just a marriage of comfort anymore, at least on my end.


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## lifeistooshort

Yew, it's normal. Especially since you've been together since 17....you've never experienced life without him.

If you otherwise love him and have a good marriage then make some effort to do fun things together. Do you exercise? Can you run or bike together? You can sign up for fun races and bike events together.


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## Sunshine365

RandomDude said:


> When was the last time you guys went on a date together?


It's been a long time. We recently moved across the country so we don't have babysitters anymore. But we've talked about making more time for us. It's not that I don't enjoy his company, we have a great time together. I just don't find myself attracted to him anymore and don't know how to bring that back.


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## minimalME

Numb26 said:


> Can't stop it, it just happens. Imagine having the same thing for dinner for 20 years. Gets boring.


So in a situation like that you have no say?

You can offer to shop/cook, try new recipes, go out to eat, hire a chef. 

Unless you're literally a prisoner, there are choices.

Personally, what I see as unreasonable is the expectation that other people are responsible for one's contentment.


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## minimalME

Sunshine365 said:


> But what do I do if the attraction doesn't come back? I'm concerned our marriage is just a marriage of comfort anymore, at least on my end.


You have no significant problems in your marriage? Why is this (attraction) a concern? What's wrong with comfort?


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## Rus47

Sunshine365 said:


> I don't find myself very "excited" for him. Is this just a normal stage of a long term relationships?


Probably “normal”, but not universal. What would make you “excited”? Do you know? If so, share what excites you with him. Maybe he is bored too. Maybe both of you need to do some different things in different places in different ways.


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## RandomDude

Sunshine365 said:


> It's been a long time.


Tada!



> We recently moved across the country so we don't have babysitters anymore


How old are your children?



> But we've talked about making more time for us. It's not that I don't enjoy his company, we have a great time together. I just don't find myself attracted to him anymore and don't know how to bring that back.


You can start with making more time for each other, not just talking about it.

It may not be too late.


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## Sunshine365

lifeistooshort said:


> Yew, it's normal. Especially since you've been together since 17....you've never experienced life without him.
> 
> If you otherwise love him and have a good marriage then make some effort to do fun things together. Do you exercise? Can you run or bike together? You can sign up for fun races and bike events together.


It's not that we don't have fun together. Our relationship is fine. But the physical attraction is gone for me. Even like excitement at seeing each other after being away, excitement for sex, etc is just gone. And I'm wondering if it'll come back? Or have we just been together so long. I don't wanna go the rest of my marriage like this.


minimalME said:


> You have no significant problems in your marriage? Why is this (attraction) a concern? What's wrong with comfort?


Nothing I guess. I'd just like to feel attracted to my husband 🤷 and it's nothing he's done. It must be an issue on my end I guess.


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## minimalME

Sunshine365 said:


> Nothing I guess. I'd just like to feel attracted to my husband 🤷 and it's nothing he's done. It must be an issue on my end I guess.


Was there a time when you were attracted? Are there behavior or actions on his part that have contributed to a loss of attraction?


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## Sunshine365

Rus47 said:


> Probably “normal”, but not universal. What would make you “excited”? Do you know? If so, share what excites you with him. Maybe he is bored too. Maybe both of you need to do some different things in different places in different ways.


We actually have a good sex life, we try new things and keep it interesting. But I'm into it because it feels good, not necessarily into him. I don't know if that makes sense. I don't know if it's just because we've been together so long? Like, it sounds terrible, but bored of sex.with the same person? I feel horrible just saying that because he's done nothing wrong.


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## RandomDude

Sunshine365 said:


> It's not that we don't have fun together. Our relationship is fine. But the physical attraction is gone for me. Even like excitement at seeing each other after being away, excitement for sex, etc is just gone. And I'm wondering if it'll come back? Or have we just been together so long. I don't wanna go the rest of my marriage like this.
> 
> 
> Nothing I guess. I'd just like to feel attracted to my husband 🤷 and it's nothing he's done. It must be an issue on my end I guess.


What attracted you physically to your husband before?



Sunshine365 said:


> We actually have a good sex life, we try new things and keep it interesting. *But I'm into it because it feels good, not necessarily into him. I don't know if that makes sense.* I don't know if it's just because we've been together so long? Like, it sounds terrible, but bored of sex.with the same person?


Makes perfect sense.



> I feel horrible just saying that because he's done nothing wrong.


Not a case of right and wrong, a case of meeting each other's needs.


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## RebuildingMe

You keep mentioning attraction. Has he changed physically recently? Put on a lot of weight? Hygiene?


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## Sunshine365

RandomDude said:


> Tada!
> 
> 
> 
> How old are your children?
> 
> 
> 
> You can start with making more time for each other, not just talking about it.
> 
> It may not be too late.


Our oldest is 11 and has a cell phone so we're feeling like he's old enough to be trusted alone for a.couple hours. I think we're gonna try some date nights. I'm hoping it helps!


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## Sunshine365

RebuildingMe said:


> You keep mentioning attraction. Has he changed physically recently? Put on a lot of weight? Hygiene?


Since 17 he's definitely changed lol but he's battled his weight since he got out of the military. And I don't mind that he's a bigger guy but I guess yes it has made me less attracted to him. But he works out and is losing weight so I can't fault him for that. Honestly I would say my attraction to him has always fluctuated in our relationship but I just never put a high priority on it.


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## snowbum

Are you saying you don’t find him good looking?


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## Rus47

Sunshine365 said:


> We actually have a good sex life, we try new things and keep it interesting. But I'm into it because it feels good, not necessarily into him. I don't know if that makes sense. I don't know if it's just because we've been together so long? Like, it sounds terrible, but bored of sex.with the same person? I feel horrible just saying that because he's done nothing wrong.


My wife and I met when she was 17 ( i was 16 ). We married 3 years later and have been married more than 50 years. We are still excited by one another. And not only sexually. We do a lot of things together, especially since retirement we are together nearly 24/7. Boredom not in our experience.

We have only ever been with one another sexually. Bored?!? Hardly!


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## Married but Happy

Sunshine365 said:


> It's been a long time. We recently moved across the country so we don't have babysitters anymore. But we've talked about making more time for us. It's not that I don't enjoy his company, we have a great time together. I just don't find myself attracted to him anymore and don't know how to bring that back.


There are some ways to rekindle attraction and excitement. Most that I've heard of requires that you go on some kind of adventure together, something outside both your comfort zones to challenge you to work together to enjoy. A classic example is whitewater rafting, but that's not for everyone. Travel somewhere that you don't know the language and stay in an Airbnb so you have to learn to cope with daily needs. Try a clothes optional resort for a few days. At least go on date nights alone a couple of times a month as a start. What are your husband's best qualities and skills? Find ways that will get him to exercise those and see if that rekindles some of the admiration you once had for him.


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## Rus47

If he is carrying too much weight, start going on walks and then jogs together. Help him get healthy


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## snowbum

Are you attracted or interested in someone else?


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## RebuildingMe

Sunshine365 said:


> Since 17 he's definitely changed lol but he's battled his weight since he got out of the military. And I don't mind that he's a bigger guy but I guess yes it has made me less attracted to him. But he works out and is losing weight so I can't fault him for that. Honestly I would say my attraction to him has always fluctuated in our relationship but I just never put a high priority on it.


Good that he is currently losing weight. Can I ask is there someone else you’re talking to? Work? Someone else you’re texting or occupying your time?


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## Sunshine365

Rus47 said:


> My wife and I met when she was 17 ( i was 16 ). We married 3 years later and have been married more than 50 years. We are still excited by one another. And not only sexually. We do a lot of things together, especially since retirement we are together nearly 24/7. Boredom not in our experience.
> 
> We have only ever been with one another sexually. Bored?!? Hardly!


 Congrats to you and your wife, that's amazing! What do you do to keep things exciting??


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## Sunshine365

snowbum said:


> Are you attracted or interested in someone else?


No, not really! I would never cheat, I love and respect my husband too much. I mean I do sometimes find other guys attractive but I'd never act upon it.


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## Sunshine365

RebuildingMe said:


> Good that he is currently losing weight. Can I ask is there someone else you’re talking to? Work? Someone else you’re texting or occupying your time?


There's not! I would never cheat, that's just not who I am. Do I find other guys attractive? Yes. Do I sometimes wonder what it'd be like to be with other guys? Yes. But I'd never act on it. But that's why feeling unattracted to my husband bothers me. I love.him.and we've got a good life together. So why do I wonder about other guys sometimes? I know the grass.isnt always greener on the other side.


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## snowbum

I’ve been married 26 years together 31. We’ve gained and lost. Had very hard times. Never list attraction. This doesn’t sound good. Love is a choice. You can find what you were attracted to


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## snowbum

If you are wondering about sex with others that’s bigger than the attraction. When you say good life are you referring to monetary comfort?


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## RebuildingMe

Sunshine365 said:


> There's not! I would never cheat, that's just not who I am. Do I find other guys attractive? Yes. Do I sometimes wonder what it'd be like to be with other guys? Yes. But I'd never act on it. But that's why feeling unattracted to my husband bothers me. I love.him.and we've got a good life together. So why do I wonder about other guys sometimes? I know the grass.isnt always greener on the other side.


You’ve been together for so long. You each have not had multiple partners or prior relationships. I’ve never been in that situation before but I would suspect that it’s completely normal to think “what if”? However, there are things you both can do to get the connection back in your marriage….if you both want to and work hard at it.


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## RandomDude

Sunshine365 said:


> Since 17 he's definitely changed lol but he's battled his weight since he got out of the military. And I don't mind that he's a bigger guy but I guess yes it has made me less attracted to him. But he works out and is losing weight so I can't fault him for that. Honestly I would say my attraction to him has always fluctuated in our relationship but I just never put a high priority on it.


It can't be just his body mass index.


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## Sunshine365

snowbum said:


> If you are wondering about sex with others that’s bigger than the attraction. When you say good life are you referring to monetary comfort?


And i feel terrible for fantasizing about other guys, because I know it's wrong. And it's devastate me if he did the same.
I mean comfortable in the sense that we just know each other. We get each other, ya know? We've got our life and system and routine and it works.
I don't really know where these feelings are coming from and they seem out of no where. I'm craving a spark, like when you first start dating and you're excited when you see they've texted you, or when you know you're going to see them. And I understand after being together this long that goes away, but shouldn't there be some excitement there still? Am I just bored? Am I just realizing I'm not truly happy in the marriage? But just used to it and comfortable. I'm so confused about these feelings.


RebuildingMe said:


> You’ve been together for so long. You each have not had multiple partners or prior relationships. I’ve never been in that situation before but I would suspect that it’s completely normal to think “what if”? However, there are things you both can do to get the connection back in your marriage….if you both want to and work hard at it.



I think some of the issue is that he is content with things and I'm craving more. He agrees with me about spending more time just us. But if I didn't bring it up, I don't know if he would. I think he's perfectly happy and I'm the one unsure. Which makes it hard.


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## Sunshine365

RandomDude said:


> It can't be just his body mass index.



There's probably more going on than just that if I'm honest. Our relationship is good, perfect? Who's is. The past maybe 5 years or so he's struggled finding a career he's happy with. He wanted to move across the country thinking this new state would be better. I supported the idea. He'd apply for jobs, not take them. Want us to sell everything and buy a business and move, I'd obvious have reservations and he'd get upset. This went on for years. Then a good company offered him a job for the 2nd time and he was hesitant, I told him if he didn't take it this time then the idea moving was off the table. So he took it and here we are, living across the country from all our family. Can't say I hate it, because I don't and honestly things for my career are going really well here. Now with his new job, hates it. Wants us to move again to another part of this state. I think I'm feeling drained with not being able to just settle. He just never seems content or happy with life. I encourage him to figure out what's going to make him happy, but he doesn't even know. And it's all we ever talk about. Sometimes I feel like I'm just along for whatever ride his life goes on.


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## BigDaddyNY

I think what you are feeling is somewhat normal. I've been with my wife since I was 16, she is my first and only sexual partner. I am not her first, but her experience with others is very limited. I've never lost my attraction for her, but it would be a lie to say the intensity hasn't ebbed and flowed over the years, we've been together 35 years. I also find other women attractive and may even have a fleeting thought about what it would be like to be with them. That is just human nature IMO. I imagine my wife has similar thoughts too, again, human nature. I don't dwell on those thoughts and just refocus on my wife. 

This could become a problem if you dwell on the negativity too much. Here's thing thing, I choose to be attracted to my wife. I mentally tell myself how attracted I am to her. I see something I like and that occupies my mind. I focus on all the things I love about her. These are the things that naturally occupy my mind about her. I think you can make that a habit by doing it often enough. This may sound a bit hokey, but when you think "I'm not attracted to him", change the thought to "I really like his strong arms", or something along those lines. 

It is interesting that you still enjoy sex with him. That says there is enough attraction there to allow you to get turned on. Your attraction may be greater than you realize. It just isn't this lightening bolt of lust you may be expecting. 

I think you need to find some ways to try new stuff and see if that give you some of that excitement. Here is a link to some things we've used to help keep life and sex interesting. You also need to talk with him. I'm not saying you tell him you don't find him attractive, but you do need to let him know you are feeling in a rut and craving "more".






Products Archive - Uncovering Intimacy







www.uncoveringintimacy.com


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## BigDaddyNY

Sunshine365 said:


> There's probably more going on than just that if I'm honest. Our relationship is good, perfect? Who's is. The past maybe 5 years or so he's struggled finding a career he's happy with. He wanted to move across the country thinking this new state would be better. I supported the idea. He'd apply for jobs, not take them. Want us to sell everything and buy a business and move, I'd obvious have reservations and he'd get upset. This went on for years. Then a good company offered him a job for the 2nd time and he was hesitant, I told him if he didn't take it this time then the idea moving was off the table. So he took it and here we are, living across the country from all our family. Can't say I hate it, because I don't and honestly things for my career are going really well here. Now with his new job, hates it. Wants us to move again to another part of this state. I think I'm feeling drained with not being able to just settle. He just never seems content or happy with life. I encourage him to figure out what's going to make him happy, but he doesn't even know. And it's all we ever talk about. Sometimes I feel like I'm just along for whatever ride his life goes on.


This can have more of an impact on your feelings for him than you realize. How you are feeling about all this needs to be discussed openly with him. He needs to know these things are putting a strain on your marriage.


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## bobert

The details of your other post should have been included here...

You say on this thread that you have a good marriage and good sex life, the other thread says otherwise. Emotional abuse, physical abuse, short temper, walking on eggshells, wanting a cuckold/hot wife situation, you wanting other men, finding sex unsatisfying...



Sunshine365 said:


> My husband and I have been together since we were 17. We had troubles even early on, he was very jealous and could be emotionally abusive and sometimes even physical. But young and in love. He joined the military and we stuck through it. He became very jealous and would get drunk and go out with friends, but I never really got the college experience because he hated if I went out and it just made it not worth it for me. He went thru alot being in the military, which I cannot fault him for, and we had some rough patches. Again, emotional and some physical abuse, anger issues. But again, stuck by him. Fast forward we've been together almost 19 years now with two kids. Marriage has been super strong, he's my best friend and I know he loves me. He's always done things I don't agree with or rub me the wrong way, but I'm a people pleaser and let things go.so we don't fight. I don't say what I want and just appease him. Whenever an issue comes.up I just walk in egg shells and try not to piss him off more.
> It feels like all our decisions are what he wants and focus on his interests. We do things he likes to do, like focusing on hunting and camping and he wants to live in the woods away from people. We literally just moved across the country, because he wanted to, not that I am not happy we moved, but he initiated the idea. He's never happy in his job and always wants to move on. He has a terrible temper and can be short with me and the kids. Sometimes I hate how he deals with them.
> Anyways! I'm venting. Long story short, we've moved to a new state and he recently let out the fantasy of watching me have sex with another guy. We toyed with the idea seriously and it made me really start thinking about it. Then all of the sudden he got upset because I was showing genuine interest, and was worried I'd leave him. I do not want to cheat.on him, I love and respect him enough to not to that. But this has made me start thinking, am I fulfilled and genuinely happy in my marriage? The idea of flirting and dating and being with other guys genuinely interests me. I feel like I missed out on dating and that stage of my life because I've been with him since I was so young.
> Am I out growing my.marriage? I've realized I love my husband and he's my best friend, but our marriage feels like being best friends with benefits. Sex has been good and bad,.for years it was my end not interested, but recently we're fine. But it's just not exciting or satisfying for me. I don't find him very attractive anymore, his personality irritates me, he doesn't show any affection at all, and I've realized I just let it go because he's what I'm used to and content with. Is that enough to make a happy marriage? Am I just craving attention from other guys because I'm not getting what I need from my husband? I'm extremely confused and upset and terrified. I just needed to vent and ask for any advice. Thanks!


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## Sunshine365

BigDaddyNY said:


> This can have more of an impact on your feelings for him than you realize. How you are feeling about all this needs to be discussed openly with him. He needs to know these things are putting a strain on your marriage.



Thank you, your replies were very helpful! I'm going to make a conscious effort to focus on my attraction to my.husband. I'm hoping it helps!

I want to talk to.my.husband more about how I feel.. obviously not tell him I don't find him attractive but just that I need more. And I have. We've agreed to do more date nights and more time together. But I don't know how to bring up the other issues. Like feeling like I'm just along for the ride of his life. If I try to disagree or show hesitancy, he gets mad. And I mean mad like stops talking to me, pissed off. He has anger issues and there's alot of times I keep my mouth shut and just agree with everything, to keep the peace. And lately I'm having a hard time doing that I guess. I'm having alot of realizations lately...


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## snowbum

I agree strange you were candid in other thread but not here


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## Sunshine365

bobert said:


> The details of your other post should have been included here...
> 
> You say on this thread that you have a good marriage and good sex life, the other thread says otherwise. Emotional abuse, physical abuse, short temper, walking on eggshells, wanting a cuckold/hot wife situation, you wanting other men, finding sex unsatisfying...



My other post was written when I was very emotional. I went into alot more detail and realized I was probably over exaggerating things a bit unfortunately. And the emotional/physical abuse stuff happened so long ago I decided that if I got over it then I shouldn't bring it up now I guess. The other details I didn't think necessarily relevant? This post I was trying to get more to the root of the problem I guess. Where I think the real issue lies. Which I believe is that I just don't find/feel an attraction to my husband.


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## RebuildingMe

Do you have a job?


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## Sunshine365

RebuildingMe said:


> Do you have a job?


Yes. I stayed home to raise our kids but have been working for the last 6 years. He's always been the breadwinner, but I recently completed my teaching certification and got my first teaching job.


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## RebuildingMe

Sunshine365 said:


> Yes. I stayed home to raise our kids but have been working for the last 6 years. He's always been the breadwinner, but I recently completed my teaching certification and got my first teaching job.


Good. That should provide you with more outlets and conversations. Is it depression possibly?


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## EleGirl

Sunshine365 said:


> My husband and I have been together since we were 17, it'll be 20 years together next year. We really have a great marriage with no real issues. I love him and he's my best friend. BUT, I'm finding I'm not very physically attracted to him anymore. There's no "spark" for me anymore. Our sex life is active and fine, but even then, I don't find myself very "excited" for him. Is this just a normal stage of a long term relationships? Sometimes I feel like we're more just best friends that have sex than madly in love crazy attracted lovers. But is that just "normal"?


In a long-term relationship, feelings ebb and flow. Sometimes you will feel crazy in-love and sometimes not so much.

There are things you can do to bring back the passion and keep it. There are two books that teach you how to do this. "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them in the order I've listed them and do the work they lay out.

Love Busters: Protect Your Marriage by Replacing Love-Busting Patterns with Love Building Habits | Bookstore | Marriage Builders, Inc.

His Needs, Her Needs for Parents: Keeping Romance Alive | Bookstore | Marriage Builders, Inc.

Our society does not reach people how to keep a marriage together. Instead, it encourages divorce. 

If you want to keep the passion/love in your marriage you have to put it first and put each other first.


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## Marc878

Marriage takes work. Like anything else if you both don’t put in the effort it dire.
If you haven’t change your diet. Go on walks or bike rides together
Think of this. If he was gone from your life and you could never see him again what would that be like?


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## bobert

Sunshine365 said:


> My other post was written when I was very emotional. I went into alot more detail and realized I was probably over exaggerating things a bit unfortunately. And the emotional/physical abuse stuff happened so long ago I decided that if I got over it then I shouldn't bring it up now I guess. The other details I didn't think necessarily relevant? This post I was trying to get more to the root of the problem I guess. Where I think the real issue lies. Which I believe is that I just don't find/feel an attraction to my husband.


My wife and I started dating at 17, bunch of kids, and we've been together for 19 years. Excluding during some really rough periods I have always been attracted to her. I can't say that's mutual though, for her it depends a lot on the emotional side. The intensity does ebb and flow, and there are things you can do to "keep the spark alive". That takes work on both sides though, and the work never stops. You will feel it if you start to slack off. 

The books above may help. Another option is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). A marriage therapist may not agree to see you if there is abuse involved though, and if you are still walking on eggshells then there likely is. 

****ing other men will not help. So erase that idea.


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## snowbum

Could you be crushing on male coworker? Common in education. Despite your description it doesn’t sound like you truly love your husband. You sound like you want an excuse to bail


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## DownByTheRiver

Now that you are embarking on a significant career, he needs to understand that where you want to live has just as much weight as where he does. He can't drag you around anymore without messing up your career. If you feel you can't disagree with him and have input like an equal partner, get him into marriage counseling.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Sunshine365 said:


> It's not that we don't have fun together. Our relationship is fine. But the physical attraction is gone for me. Even like excitement at seeing each other after being away, excitement for sex, etc is just gone. And I'm wondering if it'll come back? Or have we just been together so long. I don't wanna go the rest of my marriage like this.
> 
> 
> Nothing I guess. I'd just like to feel attracted to my husband 🤷 and it's nothing he's done. It must be an issue on my end I guess.


Welcome to the next phase of adulthood. 

It's normal. Do and try the things you want with H. Unless you already have a reason you want to use to exit the M. Let's hope not.


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## Sunshine365

RebuildingMe said:


> Good. That should provide you with more outlets and conversations. Is it depression possibly?



I've been wondering that myself. I realize I need to make myself happy and can't depend on him for that. That's not his job. So I feel like I need to do some self discovery. Who am I besides a wife and mother?


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## Sunshine365

bobert said:


> My wife and I started dating at 17, bunch of kids, and we've been together for 19 years. Excluding during some really rough periods I have always been attracted to her. I can't say that's mutual though, for her it depends a lot on the emotional side. The intensity does ebb and flow, and there are things you can do to "keep the spark alive". That takes work on both sides though, and the work never stops. You will feel it if you start to slack off.
> 
> The books above may help. Another option is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). A marriage therapist may not agree to see you if there is abuse involved though, and if you are still walking on eggshells then there likely is.
> 
> ****ing other men will not help. So erase that idea.



I think I'm realizing that's a difference between my.husband and I. I need intimacy besides sex. I want touches and hugs and emotional closeness and that's just not him. I've tried to be accepting of that because it's just not something he enjoys (hand holding, hugging, talking about feelings) but I've realized it makes me feel neglected. I've tried talking with him about it and he tries, but it's just nothing something he enjoys even if it's something I need. I don't feel close to him in that sense


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## Sunshine365

bobert said:


> My wife and I started dating at 17, bunch of kids, and we've been together for 19 years. Excluding during some really rough periods I have always been attracted to her. I can't say that's mutual though, for her it depends a lot on the emotional side. The intensity does ebb and flow, and there are things you can do to "keep the spark alive". That takes work on both sides though, and the work never stops. You will feel it if you start to slack off.
> 
> The books above may help. Another option is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). A marriage therapist may not agree to see you if there is abuse involved though, and if you are still walking on eggshells then there likely is.
> 
> ****ing other men will not help. So erase that idea.



And I know cheating is not the answer. I want to make this work and get our spark back. 
He isn't abusive anymore. He suffered/suffers from.PTSD from when he was in the military. He really has improved and works on his issues. Do I still worry? Yea sometimes, if he got mad enough I always try to appease him and deescalate because there's always a worry in the back of my mind he'd get physical. When we do fight he can be extremely verbally abusive and mean. He'll say things like, "then just leave!" "If you don't like it you can go" Or call me vulgar names. I've learned to just get past the argument as fast as possible so it doesn't get to that point.


----------



## Sunshine365

snowbum said:


> Could you be crushing on male coworker? Common in education. Despite your description it doesn’t sound like you truly love your husband. You sound like you want an excuse to bail



I felt like that at first, like I'm trying to find a reason to bail. But I don't want to just give up because it's hard. I want to figure out the problem and try to fix it if we can. We've been together almost 20 years, I don't wanna throw that away. Especially because we have two kids.


----------



## Openminded

Maybe the appeasement and de-escalation you have to do so that he doesn’t get out of control affects your attraction to him.


----------



## hamadryad

It's normal because,IMO, all of us are biologically compelled to have more than one sex partner over the course of a lifetime. Most beings are this way, if they weren't they'd run themselves into extinction. 

I know this is a controversial opinion, but it would easily explain the reasons why humans do what they do. For you the stakes are even higher as you hadn't had the "variety" that most people your age would have had already. 
There isn't that much you could do if you want to keep him. Unless he's the type that encourages you to do it, you will probably be in the same position you are now until your libido goes into the tank. And that could be a long way off. 

BTW. I have seen instances where mutual attraction was strong enough to overcome those feelings but in order for that to happen the initial sexual attraction would have to be well above average.


----------



## Sunshine365

Marc878 said:


> Marriage takes work. Like anything else if you both don’t put in the effort it dire.
> If you haven’t change your diet. Go on walks or bike rides together
> Think of this. If he was gone from your life and you could never see him again what would that be like?



I've been asking myself that question alot and I'm scared that I don't immediately upset.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Sunshine365 said:


> I think I'm realizing that's a difference between my.husband and I. I need intimacy besides sex. I want touches and hugs and emotional closeness and that's just not him. I've tried to be accepting of that because it's just not something he enjoys (hand holding, hugging, talking about feelings) but I've realized it makes me feel neglected. I've tried talking with him about it and he tries, but it's just nothing something he enjoys even if it's something I need. I don't feel close to him in that sense


Women just tend to need more of that than men do in general. It can become a problem if you become repulsed. 

As far as your boredom right now, you're getting ready to be in a new career that will probably keep you way busier than you even want to be, so that will probably change things up some too.


----------



## Sunshine365

hamadryad said:


> It's normal because,IMO, all of us are biologically compelled to have more than one sex partner over the course of a lifetime. Most beings are this way, if they weren't they'd run themselves into extinction.
> 
> I know this is a controversial opinion, but it would easily explain the reasons why humans do what they do. For you the stakes are even higher as you hadn't had the "variety" that most people your age would have had already.
> There isn't that much you could do if you want to keep him. Unless he's the type that encourages you to do it, you will probably be in the same position you are now until your libido goes into the tank. And that could be a long way off.
> 
> BTW. I have seen instances where mutual attraction was strong enough to overcome those feelings but in order for that to happen the initial sexual attraction would have to be well above average.



Maybe that's where some of this stems from? As I shared in another post that I didn't include here. My husband recently shared a fantasy he has of watching me be with other guys. It took alot of convincing for me to get over the shock but we didn't serious consider it for awhile. He wanted me to point out guys I found attractive. Well I did that once to a guy we actually knew, and then he started to change his mind. He became worried I'd leave him and so that fantasy is off the table. But it put that idea in my head and now I struggle with checking out other guys. And it makes me feel terrible.


----------



## snowbum

Sunshine365 said:


> I think I'm realizing that's a difference between my.husband and I. I need intimacy besides sex. I want touches and hugs and emotional closeness and that's just not him. I've tried to be accepting of that because it's just not something he enjoys (hand holding, hugging, talking about feelings) but I've realized it makes me feel neglected. I've tried talking with him about it and he tries, but it's just nothing something he enjoys even if it's something I need. I don't feel close to him in that sense


Honestly you sound done. It sounds like with your job and the move things aren’t good. It’s ok for people to move on. It happens. But it’s not honest to say you love your marriage but wonder about sex with outsiders. The two don’t fit


----------



## snowbum

Your relationship is in fact not great.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Sunshine365 said:


> Maybe that's where some of this stems from? As I shared in another post that I didn't include here. My husband recently shared a fantasy he has of watching me be with other guys. It took alot of convincing for me to get over the shock but we didn't serious consider it for awhile. He wanted me to point out guys I found attractive. Well I did that once to a guy we actually knew, and then he started to change his mind. He became worried I'd leave him and so that fantasy is off the table. But it put that idea in my head and now I struggle with checking out other guys. And it makes me feel terrible.


Ahh hell, just do it with another guy. Whatever happens may be an improvement for both you and H.
I'm being a tad facetious here but if you want to dally outside the M be bold and do it.


----------



## Rus47

Sunshine365 said:


> Congrats to you and your wife, that's amazing! What do you do to keep things exciting??


Everything. For example, jog together several mornings a week, see who can win the sprint at the end. Shop for groceries. Or some new clothes. Prepare a new recipe we want to try. Bake a pie. Plan trips together to places we have never visited, and to places we enjoyed and want to revisit. Dinner date to a new (or old) restaurant. Fishing, Hike a strenuous trail through beautiful scenery, have a picnic afterward. Sit on the patio and watch the wildlife and the birds. Stay in a nice hotel and laugh about trying to not wake the people next door. Be thankful we live in the country where only the deer can hear us.

Living life together. That is and always has been an exciting ride. We have had our share of heartaches and sad times. We have been flat broke financially, and we have had plenty. We have had major health issues, and a child that wasn't expected to live to first birthday. But we were together through the hard times and the good times. It has been us against the world.


----------



## Rus47

bobert said:


> The details of your other post should have been included here...
> 
> You say on this thread that you have a good marriage and good sex life, the other thread says otherwise. Emotional abuse, physical abuse, short temper, walking on eggshells, wanting a cuckold/hot wife situation, you wanting other men, finding sex unsatisfying...


I keep telling myself to start reading other threads. Whole lot more moving parts to this that "becoming bored". Thanks @bobert


----------



## Sunshine365

snowbum said:


> Honestly you sound done. It sounds like with your job and the move things aren’t good. It’s ok for people to move on. It happens. But it’s not honest to say you love your marriage but wonder about sex with outsiders. The two don’t fit



Maybe I'm just scared to admit that? 
I love my husband, but maybe I'm not in love with him anymore?
The more I voice my thoughts the more I'm starting to realize how it sounds. I'm in a relationship but but not really "in" . Sometimes it does feel like I'm just here, doing the routines and same old things because they're comfortable and familiar and I can trust them. But am I happy and excited everyday? I think I need to do some self reflecting on what I want and who I want to be. I can't put this on my husband when he's done nothing wrong. This is all on me. If I'm being completely honest the other night I was really upset and confused with my feelings and thought what would happen if we split up, and my first concern was how I would financially support myself and where I'd live.


----------



## Sunshine365

Rus47 said:


> I keep telling myself to start reading other threads. Whole lot more moving parts to this that "becoming bored". Thanks @bobert


I think I'm my other post I was trying to make up excuses or find reasons for feeling the way I do. When really all those things come into play but I may have exaggerated or been reaching. I really am just trying to understand if have the attraction to your spouse fluctuate in a marriage is normal and will pass with some work.


----------



## lifeistooshort

BigDaddyNY said:


> This can have more of an impact on your feelings for him than you realize. How you are feeling about all this needs to be discussed openly with him. He needs to know these things are putting a strain on your marriage.


Agreed. Now we're getting to the issue, and that is that you don't feel safe and secure with him. Bonding for us women absolutely requires we feel safe with our man.

I have a friend who struggled with her hb of over 20 years because he couldn't keep a job. He's a great guy in so many ways and she loves him (they have older kids) but for s while they were going months with nothing sexual. He finally got a job in a new industry that he likes and has been steadily employed, and he recently got a side contract job (IT).

I jokingly asked hee if he was getting any and her response was "oh honey". Now that she feels safer with him he's getting all kinds of action. She works and makes good money but carrying him was unattractive. I think she still makes more but he's now contributing steadily and that's enough.

This needs to be on the table. Thinking about other men is a sign that your connection is damaged, so you need to tell him directly that your lack of feeling safe with him has left you with greatly diminished attraction and you can't live like that long termm..

Believe me when I say you can't. Eventually your connection to him will be so broken that you won't come back from it. Put it on the table while there's still something to save.


----------



## Rob_1

The way I see it, your husband tried to get you into having sex with other men; which is basically a disrespect to you and the marriage, so in my opinion you lost your self respect for him as a man, because a husband is not supposed to want to share his wife with anybody else. You now, probably see him as less than a man, therefore the lack of attraction towards him. That and whatever other problems there were present in the marriage.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Rob_1 said:


> The way I see it, your husband tried to get you into having sex with other men; which is basically a disrespect to you and the marriage, so in my opinion you lost your self respect for him as a man, because a husband is not supposed to want to share his wife with anybody else. You now, probably see him as less than a man, therefore the lack of attraction towards him. That and whatever other problems there were present in the marriage.


Ugh...I didn't see that. Thar just adds to the loss of feeling safe for most women.

You have a guy here who's bouncing jobs, throws a tantrum when you talk to him, doesn't make you feel safe, and wants you to screw other men.

Most of us would be turned off. To be honest I don't know how you enjoy sex at all, but that could just be me.


----------



## bobert

Sunshine365 said:


> I think I'm my other post I was trying to make up excuses or find reasons for feeling the way I do. When really all those things come into play but I may have exaggerated or been reaching. I really am just trying to understand if have the attraction to your spouse fluctuate in a marriage is normal and will pass with some work.





Sunshine365 said:


> I can't put this on my husband when he's done nothing wrong.


I don't think you're trying to make excuses for feeling the way you do. It sounds more like you let your true thoughts out, then try to take them back and downplay your husband's side. 

Your husband absolutely has done things wrong in the marriage. There are several examples of it in what you have posted so far. 

Physical abuse is wrong, and you say it stopped but you are still afraid of it happening. That would probably happen regardless but did he do anything to address the physical abuse? 
Emotional abuse is also wrong and that is still ongoing. He isn't doing anything about it, you are having to coddle and protect him. 
Asking your wife to bang other dudes in front of you is wrong 99% of the time and can destroy the marriage just from asking, let alone doing it. 
Avoiding physical intimacy such as hugging, kissing, holding hands, etc.. If you have told him what you need and he refuses to act on it, that's also wrong. 
Choosing to be unstable financially or career-rise. 
I'm sure there is more but I don't feel like going back and reading.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Sunshine365 said:


> Congrats to you and your wife, that's amazing! What do you do to keep things exciting??


Are you a woman or a man? Sorry if I missed that earlier. 
That can affect the answers to what to do to keep things interesting.


----------



## Rus47

Sunshine365 said:


> just trying to understand if have the attraction to your spouse fluctuate in a marriage is normal and will pass with some work.


Maybe it is normal. But our *attraction* for one another hasn't fluctuated in the whole time we have been together. Have we had arguments?, For sure about a lot of things. But our rule always was to not let the sun set angry at one another. "Kiss and make up", Sometimes we have been too busy with jobs and life to be as romantic as we would have liked. My job required a lot of travel, sometimes away for several days. But we would have long phone "conversations" in the evenings to keep the fires burning.

To summarize, maybe we are just an anomaly. The more of these threads I read, the more I conclude that is very likely the case. So many write about how they were in love with one another when they walked the aisle and now can't stand to be in the same room with one another. Or now the husband wants to watch his wife be railed by another man, and she decides she likes the idea too, but he has changed his mind(?) Or one or the other or both feels neglected so begins an erotic affair.


----------



## EB123

Ignore half these people on here and figure it out on your own. You’ll thank me 😁.


----------



## Sunshine365

lifeistooshort said:


> Ugh...I didn't see that. Thar just adds to the loss of feeling safe for most women.
> 
> You have a guy here who's bouncing jobs, throws a tantrum when you talk to him, doesn't make you feel safe, and wants you to screw other men.
> 
> Most of us would be turned off. To be honest I don't know how you enjoy sex at all, but that could just be me.



I never really considered the fact that I don't feel safe, but the way you describe it makes sense. I never know where we're going in life because he always wants to move or change jobs, there's alot of uncertainty. I don't feel safe to discuss my true feelings with him because he just somehow turns it on me, so I hold everything in and pretend it's all okay. The sleeping with another guy really threw me for a loop, and I worried it was because he wasn't happy with me. And he puts the idea of me finding other men attractive in my head, and now lately had been constantly worried that I'll cheat on him? 
I say sex is enjoyable in the sense that it feels good and I like to orgasm. Has it ever been anything to tell my friends about? No. Honestly I've noticed lately that I don't even enjoy kissing/making out with him anymore. 
I just wish I understood why these feelings came on all of the sudden? I was perfectly "happy" a few weeks ago, or what I thought was happy?


----------



## snowbum

True love isn’t a fairy tale. I’d say 10 of our 26 have been awesome. 10 have been good. 3 ok and 3 terrible. But in the end, my best friend is also the hottie I love to run with, bargain hunt with, watch B movies with, and do nothing with, there’s no one I imagine life would be better with. Is Chris Pratt attractive? Sure. Would J risk a one night stand with a hottie over my husband? No. And not because if money. I’d rather be broke than with someone I don’t love or respect. I’m not into “stuff” even though we can now afford it. We live in our starter rather than the $700k house we could move to. I have what I want and what I want can’t be bought. If that’s not you, you need to be real with dh rather than continue on and let him think things are perfect.


----------



## Sunshine365

bobert said:


> I don't think you're trying to make excuses for feeling the way you do. It sounds more like you let your true thoughts out, then try to take them back and downplay your husband's side.
> 
> Your husband absolutely has done things wrong in the marriage. There are several examples of it in what you have posted so far.
> 
> Physical abuse is wrong, and you say it stopped but you are still afraid of it happening. That would probably happen regardless but did he do anything to address the physical abuse?
> Emotional abuse is also wrong and that is still ongoing. He isn't doing anything about it, you are having to coddle and protect him.
> Asking your wife to bang other dudes in front of you is wrong 99% of the time and can destroy the marriage just from asking, let alone doing it.
> Avoiding physical intimacy such as hugging, kissing, holding hands, etc.. If you have told him what you need and he refuses to act on it, that's also wrong.
> Choosing to be unstable financially or career-rise.
> I'm sure there is more but I don't feel like going back and reading.


Unfortunately I think, no I know you're right. I've always downplayed his behavior. To where he was actually required to see a therapist for anger issues and I helped like and downplay things so he wouldn't get in more trouble (while he was in the military) . I don't think he's the only issue though, I'm figuring out I have some work to do on myself too.


----------



## Sunshine365

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Are you a woman or a man? Sorry if I missed that earlier.
> That can affect the answers to what to do to keep things interesting.


Woman!


----------



## plastow

Sunshine365 said:


> My husband and I have been together since we were 17, it'll be 20 years together next year. We really have a great marriage with no real issues. I love him and he's my best friend. BUT, I'm finding I'm not very physically attracted to him anymore. There's no "spark" for me anymore. Our sex life is active and fine, but even then, I don't find myself very "excited" for him. Is this just a normal stage of a long term relationships? Sometimes I feel like we're more just best friends that have sex than madly in love crazy attracted lovers. But is that just "normal"?


try to be more exciting for him and he will respond in a likewise way,hopefully.surprise always works for me.have sex in a bit of a risky place nothing too dangerous though.


----------



## D0nnivain

@*Sunshine365 *

You bring the attraction back a few ways.

First figure out what it is that you actually want. Don't expect him to read your mind & don't be general. Saying you want the spark back doesn't help. Come up with some concrete specific ideas that you want to get your motor running. Do you want him to get you flowers? Do you want him to sneak up behind you & press against you with evidence of his arousal while whispering naughty things so the kids can't hear while you are doing the dishes or the laundry? Do you want to spend hours staring lovingly into each other eye's over candlelight? Whatever it is you need to figure it out & then you need to tell him in plain language so he can give it to you. To be fair, you should also ask him what he wants & then you need to give it to him. 

Also do things for yourself to set the mood & make you feel sexy. Invest in some new lingerie; buy new sheets; heck rearrange the bedroom furniture. Get some scented candles. Take a bath or shower & start your own motor. Get a bikini or Brazillian wax as a surprise for your man. Be creative. 

Second start a gratitude journal for yourself about him. Every day write down something you love about him. Read it over every week to remind yourself what a great catch he is. 

Third compliment him. Say something sweet to him every day & mean it. It can be as simple as a thank you but incorporate loving actions into your daily life. 

Life & marriage are not fairytales. You are not going to get the dizzying falling in love newness after several years. What you should have is a deeper connection & feeling of peace knowing that you have found your forever lover. Newer & hyper are not better. Stop looking for that. It's an illusion. 

Above all have fun!

*EDIT:* I skipped from p1. to here. Now I understand he's unstable; bounces from job to job; had anger issues & wants to "share" you. Just no. tell him to straighten up. If you are not safe & feel on edge around the person you should be able to trust no wonder love & lust have gone out the window. My advice above is more for general boredom but not the deeper problems here.


----------



## Sunshine365

snowbum said:


> True love isn’t a fairy tale. I’d say 10 of our 26 have been awesome. 10 have been good. 3 ok and 3 terrible. But in the end, my best friend is also the hottie I love to run with, bargain hunt with, watch B movies with, and do nothing with, there’s no one I imagine life would be better with. Is Chris Pratt attractive? Sure. Would J risk a one night stand with a hottie over my husband? No. And not because if money. I’d rather be broke than with someone I don’t love or respect. I’m not into “stuff” even though we can now afford it. We live in our starter rather than the $700k house we could move to. I have what I want and what I want can’t be bought. If that’s not you, you need to be real with dh rather than continue on and let him think things are perfect.


Thank you for your honesty and input. I really do appreciate it. You've made me realize I need to figure out how I truly feel and what I really want. I can't let my husband think I'm happy and things are great when they're not for me.


----------



## Sunshine365

D0nnivain said:


> @*Sunshine365 *
> 
> You bring the attraction back a few ways.
> 
> First figure out what it is that you actually want. Don't expect him to read your mind & don't be general. Saying you want the spark back doesn't help. Come up with some concrete specific ideas that you want to get your motor running. Do you want him to get you flowers? Do you want him to sneak up behind you & press against you with evidence of his arousal while whispering naughty things so the kids can't hear while you are doing the dishes or the laundry? Do you want to spend hours staring lovingly into each other eye's over candlelight? Whatever it is you need to figure it out & then you need to tell him in plain language so he can give it to you. To be fair, you should also ask him what he wants & then you need to give it to him.
> 
> Also do things for yourself to set the mood & make you feel sexy. Invest in some new lingerie; buy new sheets; heck rearrange the bedroom furniture. Get some scented candles. Take a bath or shower & start your own motor. Get a bikini or Brazillian wax as a surprise for your man. Be creative.
> 
> Second start a gratitude journal for yourself about him. Every day write down something you love about him. Read it over every week to remind yourself what a great catch he is.
> 
> Third compliment him. Say something sweet to him every day & mean it. It can be as simple as a thank you but incorporate loving actions into your daily life.
> 
> Life & marriage are not fairytales. You are not going to get the dizzying falling in love newness after several years. What you should have is a deeper connection & feeling of peace knowing that you have found your forever lover. Newer & hyper are not better. Stop looking for that. It's an illusion.
> 
> Above all have fun!


Thank you! This was very helpful and I appreciate your advice!


----------



## D0nnivain

Sunshine365 said:


> Thank you! This was very helpful and I appreciate your advice!


Read the edit. My advice is for general boredom not some callous guy who wants to share you who is an unstable provider rather than a source of security for you.


----------



## Openminded

Sunshine365 said:


> I think I'm my other post I was trying to make up excuses or find reasons for feeling the way I do. When really all those things come into play but I may have exaggerated or been reaching. I really am just trying to understand if have the attraction to your spouse fluctuate in a marriage is normal and will pass with some work.


Which is a good lesson to those of us who take a poster’s complaints about their spouse a little too seriously.


----------



## Kaliber

Rob_1 said:


> The way I see it, your husband tried to get you into having sex with other men; which is basically a disrespect to you and the marriage, so in my opinion you lost your self respect for him as a man, because a husband is not supposed to want to share his wife with anybody else. *You now, probably see him as less than a man, therefore the lack of attraction towards him*. That and whatever other problems there were present in the marriage.


This ☝


----------



## Rob_1

lifeistooshort said:


> Ugh...I didn't see that. Thar just adds to the loss of feeling safe for most women.
> 
> You have a guy here who's bouncing jobs, throws a tantrum when you talk to him, doesn't make you feel safe, and wants you to screw other men.
> 
> Most of us would be turned off. To be honest I don't know how you enjoy sex at all, but that could just be me.


Wasn't that what I say:



Rob_1 said:


> That and whatever other problems there were present in the marriage.


The moment a man propose to his wife for him to watch her ****ing other men? wouldn't that make a women feel less safe and lose respect for her husband?


----------



## MattMatt

EB123 said:


> Ignore half these people on here and figure it out on your own. You’ll thank me 😁.


Depends if you believe you should be in the half that you think should be ignored? 🤣


----------



## EB123

MattMatt said:


> Depends if you believe you should be in the half that you think should be ignored? 🤣


True! 🤣


----------



## Sunshine365

Rob_1 said:


> The way I see it, your husband tried to get you into having sex with other men; which is basically a disrespect to you and the marriage, so in my opinion you lost your self respect for him as a man, because a husband is not supposed to want to share his wife with anybody else. You now, probably see him as less than a man, therefore the lack of attraction towards him. That and whatever other problems there were present in the marriage.


I never really thought of it like this I guess. But I can say these feelings for me have all happened after he proposed the idea and then backed off of it. It definitely made me question my ideas about marriage and what he thought a marriage is.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Rob_1 said:


> Wasn't that what I say:
> 
> 
> 
> The moment a man propose to his wife for him to watch her ****ing other men? wouldn't that make a women feel less safe and lose respect for her husband?


So you did! I didn't see all of your posts.


----------



## Mybabysgotit

Sunshine365 said:


> If I try to disagree or show hesitancy, he gets mad. And I mean mad like stops talking to me, pissed off. He has anger issues and there's alot of times I keep my mouth shut and just agree with everything, to keep the peace. And lately I'm having a hard time doing that I guess. I'm having alot of realizations lately...


That doesn't sound like the great marriage you seem to say you have. In fact, that points to a very dysfunctional marriage, one where you can't openly talk to one another. I am kind of dense, but after many years of marriage, I gradually found my wife likes to have sex a lot more when she feels connected to me. Perhaps you are not connected to him the way you think you are and maybe that's the issue.


----------



## hamadryad

It may be just he's not your physical type...??

I hear a lot about "safety"...Ive seen tons of women over the years pick safety and security over raw sexual attraction, and wind up holding the bag, when they realize that while it's nice to have your bills paid and some level of financial security, if it isn't making you wet, then its not going to be sexually satisfying, and you wind up poking all kinds of holes in the relationship to justify lack of sexual attraction......

There are guys I personally know and have known over the years that have no serious money, shytty jobs, generally uneducated, some have criminal records, that have long term women(good looking women, no less), that aren't complaining about them and i am fairly certain their sex life is good..I'm sure in these cases, its got nothing to do with safety or security, but they are just physically attracted


----------



## oldshirt

You should check out the website and podcasts by Dr Psych Mom as she talks extensively about the natural attenuation of women’s libido (for their partner) in long term, monogamous relationships.

Experiencing a significant decline is sexual attraction to one’s husband in a long term marriage is quite common and the norm.

If there is anything abnormal about your situation is that it has taken this long to reach any kind troublesome stage. 

Mother Nature never intended people to live out their whole lives with only one sex partner. We’d all be a bunch of inbred mutants and threatened with extinction if we didn’t have genetic diversity. Mother Nature wants people to have offspring with a variety of different people throughout the course of their lives. 

When people say “marriage takes work”, what they are really saying is long term rigid monogamy takes sacrifice and a certain degree of frustration and misery.

But there are things that can be done that can make it less frustrating and dissatisfying.

There are things that can been that can help get both people on the same sheet of music and working together to make it the best they can for each other so that at the end of the day, both people make the conscious choice to remain together. 

But one thing that no amount of date nights or sky diving together or sex toys and lingerie can do is turn back the hands of time and make you into horny, hormone-charged teenagers/20somethings under the spell of New Relationship Energy (NRE). 

You can’t get that back because neither you can be 20 years old again. 

You are each different people with different bodies, different agendas and life goals and different values and temperaments today. 

If you want to remain together and have attraction and desire for each other, you have to begin anew with each other starting where you are today. 

Spend a couple days and binge on Dr Psych Mom. 

One of the things you will hear her say a number of times is if you have no sexual desire or attraction for your partner, you need to either - 

A: get into marital and possibly sex therapy to determine what is wrong and seek constructive ways to fix it.

Or 

B: give strong consideration to dissolving the relationship because it will just toxify the relationship and make both people miserable and unhealthy. 

That will probably be sage advice for you as simple date nights and starting to do some things together will likely not be enough to resuscitate your attraction and desire. You are working against primal forces here that have been in place for 10s of thousands of years that want you to mate with another man before your reproductive period comes to an end.


----------



## Rus47

hamadryad said:


> There are guys I personally know and have known over the years that have no serious money, shytty jobs, generally uneducated, some have criminal records, that have long term women(good looking women, no less), that aren't complaining about them and i am fairly certain their sex life is good.


And we know girls and women who got with guys like those you know. And these women and girls have lived truly miserable lives with the guys. Kids out of wedlock, no money, physically abused, on and on.

We just have different anecdotal experiences.


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## hamadryad

Rus47 said:


> And we know girls and women who got with guys like those you know. And these women and girls have lived truly miserable lives with the guys. Kids out of wedlock, no money, physically abused, on and on.
> 
> We just have different anecdotal experiences.



And, no offense, I am not making this personal, but I know women who got with "normal" guys like you and were completely miserable, emotionally abused, controlled, sexless, etc....

I have no idea what point(or counterpoint) you are attempting to make...You can literally say what you are saying about any scenario anyone wants to present....(that someone knows someone else that had different experiences)....

My only point is that "safety and security" and even niceness and kindness, while it may pay the bills, often it won't necessarily make a woman(or a guy, I suppose as well) feel any more sexually attractive...Millions upon millions of women probably giving their dud husbands starfish sex while dreaming of the guy that was there a month ago to replace the water heater...Probably where the OP is at this point...


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## RandomDude

hamadryad said:


> And I know women who got with "normal" guys like you and were completely miserable, emotionally abused, controlled, sexless, etc....
> 
> I have no idea what point(or counterpoint) you are attempting to make...You can literally say what you are saying about any scenario anyone wants to present....
> 
> My only point is that safety and security, while it may pay the bills, often it won't make a woman(or a guy, I suppose as well) feel any more sexually attractive...Millions upon millions of women probably giving their dud husbands starfish sex while dreaming of the guy that was there a month ago to replace the water heater...


Pretty much, that's why it's important to men to ensure they are in the 'fun zone' in terms of physical attraction before their stability is called to question when dating.

Not to mention also that society doesn't allow physical or sexual attraction to be considered a priority, it's considered shallow. As such situations like this occur, where the marriage is great, but sexual chemistry is moot.

But who knows, I'm waiting for OP to reply to this.


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## oldshirt

Rus47 said:


> And we know girls and women who got with guys like those you know. And these women and girls have lived truly miserable lives with the guys. Kids out of wedlock, no money, physically abused, on and on.
> 
> We just have different anecdotal experiences.


But these women were still sexually attracted to them and were still fking them. 

So which guy gets the better deal? The A-hole that doesn’t contribute financially, has no parental involvement, and doesn’t have to unclog toilets or fix the roof but gets all the poon he wants (usually from multiple women)? 

Or the dutiful, faithful Nice Guy and good father that pays his every cent and coaches all the rugrat’s sports teams every weekend who she hasn’t touched in desire for the last 5 years? 

Which guy has the better deal?


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## snowbum

If “poin” is all you want I submit that’s a sign of pretty ****ty character.


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## snowbum

Is A hole “ something to aspire to? For the sake of some some questionable ass?


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## oldshirt

RandomDude said:


> Not to mention also that society doesn't allow physical or sexual attraction to be considered a priority, it's considered shallow. As such situations like this occur, where the marriage is great, but sexual chemistry is moot.


Yes for some reason sexual chemistry and compatibility have been deemed sacrificial by society and that if any sacrifices or concessions are to be made, it should be sexual attraction and chemistry that take the hit. 

I’m not sure that is what has taken place with this OP however. 

They’ve been together 20 years and she hast said anything that indicates there was a lack of attraction or desire in the earlier days of their relationship.

The fact that she is going through this now 20 years later leads me to believe they may have had at least a healthy sexlife and she a robust libido in their younger days. 

The fact her desire for him is declining now that they’ve been together 20 years and she is in her upper 30s and starting to notice other men is quite common if not downright normal and typical. 

Normal and typical does not mean it is not problematic and potentially destructive however. 

Cancer, heart disease and brain aneurysms are normal and typical as we get into our later years as well, so that doesn’t mean that just because this is common that it isn’t potentially destructive.


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## oldshirt

snowbum said:


> Is A hole “ something to aspire to? For the sake of some some questionable ass?


No.

But being a celibate doormat that is being used for support and provisioning is not something to aspire to either.


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## TexasMom1216

Surely it doesn’t have to be a binary choice. But based on the current literature for men, it seems to be.


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## RandomDude

Everyone deserves to feel desired by their partner sexually. I'd say it's part of loving someone, sadly it's a part some people do not give their partners or feel they need to.

I am guilty of that already.


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## EleGirl

Sunshine365 said:


> I think I'm realizing that's a difference between my.husband and I. I need intimacy besides sex. I want touches and hugs and emotional closeness and that's just not him. I've tried to be accepting of that because it's just not something he enjoys (hand holding, hugging, talking about feelings) but I've realized it makes me feel neglected. I've tried talking with him about it and he tries, but it's just nothing something he enjoys even if it's something I need. I don't feel close to him in that sense


Women need non-sexual intimacy to maintain their passion in a marriage. Sadly, a lot of people don't realize this. The books I suggested talk a lot about this and how to restructure the marriage. Your husband needs to know that this is a very important need of yours.


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## heartsbeating

I don't know if what I'm about to share will offer significance to you or not. I met my husband at 18, and I'm now in my 40s. There's been a bunch of learning, ebbs and flows, throughout. Sometimes the ebb and flow can occur in a singular day. I mean that somewhat jovially. I'm still attracted to him on various levels. For a start, I like and respect who he is as a man in his own right. I find who he is to be attractive, combined with what he brings (and we bring together) to our dynamic. There's a certain beautiful comfort with one another. Where people mention 'work' in marriage, I have a slightly different take. To me, the 'work' is enveloped in personal growth and one can really learn about oneself through relationship with others. Some of those learnings aren't always pretty. And then there's a choice about putting in the 'work' of being congruent; whereby actions, thoughts, and feelings align. Sounds easy enough, yet isn't necessarily, as it can take relearning / unlearning how we navigate and negotiate who we are and with others. In my view, that place of congruence is not wrapped up in seeking our spouse's approval, however, it is balanced with being congruent to the relationship as well (in generally healthy dynamics). It's kind of like being solid and grounded within yourself, and when you both present from that place, there's a kind of foundation that is consistent that enables the relationship and one another to progress. Part of that involves not shying away from confrontation. I'm not suggesting I have it all figured it, far from out. However, the biggest thing I have learned (and continue to learn) is that some prior defense mechanisms and emotional walls no longer need to be part of that. When I recognize some kind of default reaction might surface, I take a moment to slow things down in my mind, figure out what is more authentic to what I'm experiencing and even if I'm not sure, to express that together with him to get to figure it out. There's a kind of trust in oneself that can develop through that, and which then permeates to one another and the relationship.

On an additional note, as cheesy as it sounds, I find my husband's emotional intelligence to be damn alluring. I don't relate to feeling that I've 'missed out' on being with other men sexually. If anything, it's the opposite; that I feel so damn lucky to have experienced all that I have with him. Yeah, _even_ when we ebb and flow within a singular day. Plus knowing that we both have our strengths and certainly our limitations. That is to say, it's never a boring experience.

If I was to take a stab at why you are questioning this now, I'd consider it's likely intertwined with the upheaval of the move, his actions and attitudes alongside that, and perhaps you getting to a place where you are recognizing some incongruence / disharmony within yourself and the urge for personal growth to occur. My suggestion would be to focus on that, and given the history and patterns between you, maybe speak with a therapist about your own journey within this. I'm not suggesting whether you stay with him or not; I am suggesting that you pay attention to your own ways of being, for you, at least at this stage. Best wishes. Hope this makes some kind of sense.


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## RandomDude

Sunshine365 said:


> I think I'm realizing that's a difference between my.husband and I. I need intimacy besides sex. I want touches and hugs and emotional closeness and that's just not him. I've tried to be accepting of that because it's just not something he enjoys (hand holding, hugging, talking about feelings) but I've realized it makes me feel neglected. I've tried talking with him about it and he tries, but it's just nothing something he enjoys even if it's something I need. I don't feel close to him in that sense


Touch is your love language and he is starving you, this could be it. Only way to fix this would be honest communication about this though, does he have any idea?


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## In Absentia

You are losing attraction to your husband because your marriage is not great, is it? To put it mildly.

Losing attraction in a very long marriage is certainly common, but shows me that the foundation of such a marriage was never solid to start with.


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## SunCMars

Numb26 said:


> Boredom can be a relationship killer


As can be life, when it bores down on you, quickly consuming all joy!


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## SunCMars

Familiarity breeds contempt, even in relationships.

Those small flaws (and personal tics) we see in others, eventually grow glaringly large.


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## ccpowerslave

lifeistooshort said:


> Ugh...I didn't see that. Thar just adds to the loss of feeling safe for most women.
> 
> You have a guy here who's bouncing jobs, throws a tantrum when you talk to him, doesn't make you feel safe, and wants you to screw other men.
> 
> Most of us would be turned off. To be honest I don't know how you enjoy sex at all, but that could just be me.


This.

Reading through the thread I was thinking well no wonder she’s not attracted to him, I wouldn’t be either in her shoes.


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## Rus47

oldshirt said:


> So which guy gets the better deal? The A-hole that doesn’t contribute financially, has no parental involvement, and doesn’t have to unclog toilets or fix the roof but gets all the poon he wants (usually from multiple women)?


Obviously, the A-hole gets what he wants. Kinda like a crook takes advantage of people. A hacker steals your identity and goes on a spending spree. The female gets the "shaft" from the A-hole. And society gets to pay the freight. From your posts over time, I don't' get the sense that you lived the life of the A-hole. Seem to recall you had children and supported your family. Maybe you envy these guys?

We have had descendants who got with the A-holes, and we got to spend time and resources cleaning up the mess. For decades. I know you and others will say the women effn these guys are the ones to blame and have whatever they experience coming. It isn't easy watching a loved one be victimized by a parasite. So I have no use for these parasites ( and that is what they are ).

But, this is afield from this thread, so apologies for t/j


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## MattMatt

Closed for being a duplicate.


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