# What's wrong with me



## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

D-Day was nearly a month ago. Then I got another bombshell a week ago when I outed my Wayward Wife still in contact. 

Since then she's started to make an effort, which ive described elsewhere. But no matter what small things she starts to do - bring dinner home, suggest we go for a walk etc, I end up picking at her saying she needs to stop mincing about and step up and commit 100% rather than piecemeal, and she ends up crying and saying no matter what she does its not good enough. Which is probably how it comes across. This has happened every day. 

What the hell is wrong with me, is this normal. I wonder if I'm losing my mind tbh, I obsess about the affair literally all day every day, I can't get any work done, and here I am at 2100 my time still writing about it....Is this level of obsession typical???


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

From what i have seen, actually, your reaction is fairly mild. Both you and your wife should do some reading on what is in store for you for the next 2-5 years. 
Perhaps neither of you fully understands that many, many therapists describe infidelity as the most severe form of spousal, emotional abuse.
One "expert" ,this Willard Harley fellow, has a pretty good free video clip(about 32 minutes) on his marriagebuilders website. Check it out, He is emphatic that it is tougher to recover from infidelity thatn it is from rape or the death of a child.
So, in short, you are reacting very normally at this early juncture.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

Arnold said:


> From what i have seen, actually, your reaction is fairly mild. Both you and your wife should do some reading on what is in store for you for the next 2-5 years.
> Perhaps neither of you fully understands that many, many therapists describe infidelity as the most severe form of spousal, emotional abuse.
> One "expert" ,this Willard Harley fellow, has a pretty good free video clip(about 32 minutes) on his marriagebuilders website. Check it out, He is emphatic that it is tougher to recover from infidelity thatn it is from rape or the death of a child.
> So, in short, you are reacting very normally at this early juncture.


Cool, because I feel like I'm losing the plot.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Every betrayed individual is severely messed up this early, very traumatized.
You and your wife should watch that vidoe(it is free). it will help you understand that you are not reacting abnormally. and, it may make an impression on her as to what you are going through.
It is so different in real life than what is portrayed in novels, movies and TV shows. I think many of us, before it happened in our lives, had no idea of how traumatizing it is. The movies etc trivialize it and leave the general ,inexperienced public, withthe impression that within a few weeks, or by the next episode in the TV show, all will be right and everyone will have recovered.
The big disservice is that it makes a betrayed spouse , who is already feeling badly about him/herself due to the blow infidelity delivers, feel even worse becuase he or she is not just shrugging this off.
Check out that free video. The site is Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I told my H that I wake up thinking about it and I go to bed thinking about it...... He didn't like that very well, thinks I'm overreacting about it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes it is. I went through the same crap and told my WW it was part of the healing process and if she was willing to help me heal it was one of mainy consequences (me constanly wanting to talk about her affairs) she needed to face.

It was here choice to stay so with that she also made the choice to deal with me dealing with her...make sence?

So there is nothing wrong with you, your WW is not helping at all with failinf with the NC, so what does she expect...what do you expect? This crap is painful enough even when a NC is 100% commited to, in your case your will continue to have a hard time b/c she had not done the heavy lifting in helping you heal.

Sure, you mentioned she has done some lifting but IMO she may need to do more. 

I'm 21 month from d-day and my obsession has gone way down, it took me a few months to stop the daily thoughts and it took a year to get to a point were I felt my WW would get asecond chance with our marriage.

My WW went cold turkey after d-day and helped me heal, in your case it may take longer, especially with her piece meal additude. My WW also mentioned this "no matter what I do" comments, my response has always been it not about you..it about me and what you want to do to help me heal. Again it was her choice to stay and work it out so it is her choice to get "picked on"

Granted it did come to a point were with forgiveness I had to stop picking at her. In my case I saw the heavylifting being done and this forgiveness came easy...after a year...but all the same I forgave. In your case I wonder...does she diserve your forgiveness?

Bottom line here is time will heal this wound, with or with out her, so stay stong it will get better, it is up to your wife to help your healing to come sooner or later, and until you are healed and forgivness is established, picking at her will continue.

And yes she can do more, it just seem like she will not make that choice to do so! 

Has she maintianed NC since?


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I told my H that I wake up thinking about it and I go to bed thinking about it...... He didn't like that very well, thinks I'm overreacting about it.


I think that the cheater's inability to "get it", is one of the motivaters folks have for contemplating a response affair.

It all boils down to how incredibly unfair the whole deal is.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I agree that if you do nto see your cheating wife making a huge effort and taking full responsibility, you cannot get over this.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You can get over this crap, but when you make the choice to keep your cheating spouse well then she needs to go the extra mile for the betrayed to keep them around.

Again we all can heal and get over this kind of betrayal with or with out them.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Pain---You have to lay down the law---is or is not your wife still in contact---if she is still in contact, then you are nowhere---I am asking, cuz this is your only thread I am reading---so I don't know where you are actually at

No matter which way YOU go----D. or R.---It has to be what is best for you

IF YOU GIVE YOUR WIFE THE GREATEST GIFT SHE WILL EVER RECIEVE ----A SECOND CHANCE-----then she has to deal accordingly

You need to stop being mr. nice--guy---If something bothers you---she needs to deal with it

"BUT FOR" WHAT SHE DID---WE WOULDN'T BE TALKING HERE, WOULD WE

She has to stop with the selfishness, which the crying is part of---she needs to get over herself, and start doing anything and everything to make things work---IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT

You don't need to go any further than what's in your own mind----what do you want out of the rest of your life

Can you live with this woman, knowing what she has done

If you have problems dealing, and it comes out---YOUR WIFE HAS TO DEAL WITH YOUR PROBLEMS---that's the long and the short of it---once again--BUT FOR, WHAT SHE DID, NONE OF THIS WOULD BE GOING ON


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, your reaction is pretty mild. I kicked my husband out and didn't speak to him for three months when I found out.

Post Infidelity Stress Disorder exists. Google it. And I agree you guys should do some reading because this will take years. We're 20 months out from D day and it's still very much a part of our lives right now.


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