# How long were you apart before reconciling?



## Lazarus

1) How long were you apart before reconciling?

2) Is the reconciliation a success or still working on it?

3) What triggered reconciliation?


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## Papa Bear

My parents were apart for over 5 years

They divorced because my dad was an alcoholic

After reconciliation they are still together 25 years later


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## Heartbroken007

We were seperated about 6 weeks before I let him move back in. It took less than 2 weeks and he's gone again. Don't think reconciliation is going to work for us. Too much emotional pain that I don't think he's willing to work on. H doesn't feel marriage should be that much hard work


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## sadsuzy

It has been one month and a few days for my husband and I and its killing me. I'm ready to reconcile but he is.unfortunately not at the moment. I'm doing my best to give him space but its hard. So, well see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DelinquentGurl

Suzy,
You may think you are ready to reconcile, but are you sure? I'm no expert but I don't think a month is long enough. True, honest changes take a while to become habit and if you move too quickly there is a good chance that you both will revert back to the old behaviors that caused the separation to begin with.

In answer to the original question, my H & I have been separated almost 3 months and we have not discussed reconciliation, but we also have not discussed divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadsuzy

Well, looks like we weren't ready. Divorce is just around the corner for me. I hope the separation works for all of you. It certainly did not for us. My husband found a new freedom with no problems and he ran with it. And I just have to live with it. Like Jellybeans says in another post, I dont regret giving every inch of my soul, in trying to fix our marriage, I wish he would have tried, but oh well. I just hope the hurt goes away soon!!! It's suffocating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DelinquentGurl

It will go away, it will just take time. I know your probably sick of hearing that, but it's true.

Also, there is no such thing as a life without problems. Your H may be feeling like he is living this exciting, free life but he will come crashing down, mark my words. You can't be married as long as you 2 have without feeling some sort of pain. He is in a fog right now, and once that fog lifts and reality sinks in, he'll be a hurting individual.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

So thus far, there is only one reconciliation story posted on this thread...


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## jeffsmith77

Jellybeans said:


> So thus far, there is only one reconciliation story posted on this thread...


It could be that when the reconciliation happens, most people stop posting to sites like this. I would guess that most people come here looking for advice, insight, or a means to vent about their situation.

I'm hoping to work on the reconciliation, so it would be nice to hear some success stories. I just don't know how many we'll hear.


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## Shelly29

Sadsuzy, I fought so hard for my marriage too...never in m wildest dreams did I ever think I would wake u one day and not have my husband by my side. Its painful and it hurts, but its the cards we need to work with. My ex also didnt try not one bit....he was so checked out and walked out one day and I had no clue it was on his mind for yrs!!!! I felt like i was fighting against a brick wall...nothign i said would change his mind....so I had to let him go. It took him weeks to become a full on bachelor again and go back to being 21.


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## Papa Bear

jeffsmith77 said:


> It could be that when the reconciliation happens, most people stop posting to sites like this. I would guess that most people come here looking for advice, insight, or a means to vent about their situation.


Absolutely true.


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## CLRHAR

I have been fighting for my marriage now for over a year. Physically separated now for 4 months from my home and children. I am pouring everything I can into saving my marriage. You get one chance at this life, one chance at having a happy family and I am hell-bent on reversing this living nightmare back to what was once the happiest point in our lives together. I just feel sometimes as if I am the only one fighting for our lives together. Does anyone have any advise to getting your wife on board to at-least give some effort. We were once best friends, laughed and lived life to the fullest. It is like living a nightmare now with the isolation I feel from her now. This by far is the most patience challenging moment in my entire life. I keep thinking that she will eventually realize that life is such a fragile journey we take together and that we both need to look at this moment together to learn and grow from to what will eventually be a very happy ending which will be keeping our family together and thriving on life together not apart.


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## fatiguedfatherof4

No, just because there is reconcilliation does not mean the work is done and all is bliss.
My 'wife' and I got back together after being apart for almost 2 years.... and that was 10 years ago. We have still not yet been remarried after all these years.... its on our to do list (we now have 4 children!)!
For the most part we are happy but the problem I'm having is, even after more than 10 years it still hurts that in the time we were separated she slept with over a dozen men that I absolutely know of. 
I hoped it would get easier to deal with after years gone by but still its very painful. I get the whole routine of,"we werent together!" but half these men were married.
Before you take your spouse back... man or woman.... make sure you are willing to live with what they have done and have been doing while you were apart. It's not gonna go away or get easier to deal with so make sure.... 100% for sure!


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## cisco7931

I'm at a stage right now of confusion if I still want to give it a shot or not. My wife has moved on tremendously fast and she said (I knew through mutual friends) that she has been hanging on for dear life for the past 3 years and I didnt even know...

I have those days of "Yes, I will do anything and try until I die to get her back and save the marriage", and "Hell no, unless she stops stepping on my dignity I wont"...

There are also days that I'm not even sure if I want to go back even if she wants to...

This may just be a phase of separation that we all need to go through...

Ours is a month long now and it is getting easier everyday for me... I guess I just have to make that one decision with no turning back.


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## evian123

sadsuzy said:


> Well, looks like we weren't ready. Divorce is just around the corner for me. I hope the separation works for all of you. It certainly did not for us. My husband found a new freedom with no problems and he ran with it. And I just have to live with it. Like Jellybeans says in another post, I dont regret giving every inch of my soul, in trying to fix our marriage, I wish he would have tried, but oh well. I just hope the hurt goes away soon!!! It's suffocating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with DelinquentGirl.

Initially my husband also found incredible freedom when we separated and he was out all the time, and the freedom was wonderful he said. He also said he didn't realise how much stress he was always under in our marriage. So, all that stress went away when we separated, and he decided on getting a divorce. 

Now that I haven't been in his picture for 8 weeks at all, his stress has come back, and this time with a vengeance. 

People put the responsibility of the stress on the other person (spouse), but really it's just them at the end of the day. I guess its human nature really to always blame someone else for feeling the way they do. Hell, I'm guilty of that as well (and working hard to get rid of that mentality!) 

I've come to realise it all comes back - just in a different form unless we choose to deal with ourselves and take full responsibility of ourselves.


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## yourbabygirl

evian123 -- thanks for your story. My husband has left me more than 2 weeks ago and so far the single life for him has been nothing short of a euphoria, while I suffer in agony longing for him beside me. I was wrong at first by begging and pleading him. Now, I am letting him get all the space and time and it is still too early to see any signs of him regretting what he has done. But I am really, really praying that this euphoria will wear off and he will soon realise that marriage is not really the problem in general - or if ever it is, it's not something we cannot find a solution to. I am still his wife loving him from afar.


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## Crankshaw

CLRHAR said:


> I have been fighting for my marriage now for over a year. Physically separated now for 4 months from my home and children. I am pouring everything I can into saving my marriage. You get one chance at this life, one chance at having a happy family and I am hell-bent on reversing this living nightmare back to what was once the happiest point in our lives together.


Sorry, have to disagree, I have had it twice, the next time, if there is a next time, will be the last one


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## mindeater

After 6 months of separation we had 3 months of better times, but my pressuring for a return to 'normal' relations forced us apart again. We are still living together but it doesn't feel like marriage. I underestimated the hurt and pain on her shoulders and worry that this was our last chance.

Having tried living apart away from her and my daughter I know I don't like or want that.

Going to Relate conselling this evening for the first time will hopefully prove useful, but fearing the worst.


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## Ticonderoga

No luck here. Not looking forward to the single life either. Getting served divorce papers today....darn it.


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## anonymiss

1) Been apart for 4 days - he's saying he needs a week or two.

2)He says he hasn't given up on us, he's just hurting. we're working toward reconcilation.

3)to be announced 

I dont know if any reconcillation can ever just be considered success or still working on it. It's a marriage, it's always going to be something to work on. It takes two to make it work


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## tossmein

anonymiss said:


> 1) Been apart for 4 days - he's saying he needs a week or two.
> 
> 2)He says he hasn't given up on us, he's just hurting. we're working toward reconcilation.
> 
> 3)to be announced
> 
> I dont know if any reconcillation can ever just be considered success or still working on it. It's a marriage, it's always going to be something to work on. It takes two to make it work


@Anonymiss my best advise is do not rush back in to fast. Yes you want them back and yes you really want the marriage to work, but make sure you are both really ready to put the effort in. 

This happened with my wife and I. She left once then came back after about 3 weeks, but we never solved the problems. So they just kept on existing fast forward 6 months and we are separated again. I understand that feeling of wanting them back more then anything, but take the time and make sure you really understand what is happening. 

We are still talking and neither of us want a divorce, but we are both very raw, hurt, frustrated and angry still. Some of the needs to pass before any real healing can happen. 

Best of luck to you and everyone else currently in a separation.


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## cisco7931

There is definitely a very thin line between letting it pass, and letting it all just fade away...

I'm in a 3 month-old separation with my W of 6 years, and it seems that both of us have moved on and we may not have anything left... I'm speaking from experience, I am starting to forget about the feelings I have/had for my W and I wont be surprised if she has as well...

I guess NO ONE really knows the perfect timing, it will happen when the time is right and you will both know when it is. dont rush on it, it maybe worse fixing a very deep wound than waiting for it to heal and touch-upon completely healing the scar...


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## Rafaelinan

My wife and I was separated for 3 years because I was an alcoholic. I've been in and out of AA but it was only in 2009 that I was really over it. What triggered reconciliation was that I realized I could never be with anybody else and I knew that my wife have always wanted the best for me. She had always been a big support even when we separated by telling me that everything's gonna get better. She loved me at my worst and I realized I wanna work on our marriage. I consider it a success despite many challenges along the way. She's the greatest woman on earth and I'm glad I realized that.


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## Crazytown

1) How long were you apart before reconciling? *Almost 2 years of living apart and dating other people etc. And as "fatiguedfatherof4" states you need to be prepared to accept what the other partner has done during separation. It's very difficult and causes fights to this day!*

2) Is the reconciliation a success or still working on it? *Generally a success but still a work in progress...*

3) What triggered reconciliation? *Basically he was there for me at my lowest point*


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## bellringer

We were apart a year and a half, he came back to me, guess the grass wasnt greener. were still working on us, I myself have no desire to know what he did during the separation. Were leaving all that in the past. People separate for a reason, they have issues, so why bring more issues into the reconciliation, like what the other spouse did during separation, its just more to fight about, besides I figure I had no indication he was coming back and had he not came back it wouldnt have been my business to know what he did while separated, just like its none of his business what I did(nothing but he dont no that). 


were doing great so far and thats what matters. If we keep bringing up what went on during separation we will never make it.


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## Heartbrokin

*Separated 4.5 months after 21 years...I'm having a hard time coping.*

We 'talk' but only about our child, house et al. Beyond that, he doesn't initiate contact. I asked him a couple of months ago what the chances were of reconciliation, but he did not answer. When he comes over, he talks to me, but for some reason, barely looks at me when he answers a question. He has always been an avoider of issues and has difficulty with communication at the best of times. He's living with a family member and has hinted that once our separation is legal, he will move out on his own. I am so terribly saddened to see such pain in his eyes when I see him. I wish I could reach out to him and tell him how much I care, miss him, but know in my heart, it's fruitless, as he won't respond.


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## wild_irish_rose

My H left for 3 months in 2000. Later found out the time he left coincided with the divorce of his old high school GF. He came back and we managed to stay together until late 2003 but it was never the same. He left me again in Dec of 2003 and he's been living with her for at least 2 years now. Fool that I am, I'm just now realizing she's the one he really loves, not me, and he's not coming back.


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## artlady

1) Our separation lasted ten weeks, from October 15 to Christmas Eve of last year. This October we'll be married twenty years (together for over 22). My husband, simply put (but not trying to understate the pain and trauma), had a midlife crisis and took off.

2) I would consider our reconciliation mostly successful. We have a better, stronger, loving marriage with more open communication. We no longer take each other for granted. The only lingering problems are over his PA and EA during the separation, with an ex-girlfriend, but he is completely transparent, cut off contact with her back in January, is truly sorry; and I am finally... I'll never forget, and it'll always cause me pain, but we both recognize that it's something I'll be working through for awhile.

3) What triggered the reconciliation? I was getting ready to move on, getting psychiatric help (I developed severe depression and an anxiety disorder after he left me), start a "new life", and my H's fog finally started lifting, and he saw that he was about to lose me forever, and didn't want that. He decided that he wanted the love of his life back. I was sort of tricked into the reconciliation because I didn't know about the PA/EA until two weeks later, but here's the thing: we both came back knowing that we'd do anything to save our marriage. I'd never wanted the divorce. Despite all the pain he caused me, we were both resolved.

So, another happy story here. I truly do wish it was the same for all of you.


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## yourbabygirl

*After 3 months, 5 days, and 8 hours -- MY husband has decided to come back and be with me forever. *

I hated everything about the separation and there wasn't a single moment that I didn't wish I have my husband back. I didn't want to do the 180 -- I CAN'T. I just missed him so badly. 

And so instead of moving on, I did the opposite. I showed him more love and affection than before, I showed him that I have changed and I'm just purely loving him with no expectations in return. It wasn't easy. Most of the time, he would just floor me and tell me that he doesn't love me and ask me to leave him alone. There was even a point when he doesn't even want to be friends - he was being a jerk just so I leave him alone. 

But I didn't. I CAN'T... I kept faith. I just continued to show him that I love him. 

Yesterday, we had a serious talk and YES -- he is coming back!! :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:

*So, it's really possible..* I wouldn't advise this to everyone else, because it's truly not easy and there are people who just wants to move on with their lives and find someone else. But in case, you really love your partner and you are willing to take this path, then I would say that it's truly worth all of it...

You can read my thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...y-husband-left-me-but-i-am-not-giving-up.html and you can see that most people have told me to move on.. I was stubborn.. I CAN'T. I love my husband so much..


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## marksaysay

yourbabygirl said:


> *After 3 months, 5 days, and 8 hours -- MY husband has decided to come back and be with me forever. *
> 
> I hated everything about the separation and there wasn't a single moment that I didn't wish I have my husband back. I didn't want to do the 180 -- I CAN'T. I just missed him so badly.
> 
> And so instead of moving on, I did the opposite. I showed him more love and affection than before, I showed him that I have changed and I'm just purely loving him with no expectations in return. It wasn't easy. Most of the time, he would just floor me and tell me that he doesn't love me and ask me to leave him alone. There was even a point when he doesn't even want to be friends - he was being a jerk just so I leave him alone.
> 
> But I didn't. I CAN'T... I kept faith. I just continued to show him that I love him.
> 
> Yesterday, we had a serious talk and YES -- he is coming back!! :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:
> 
> *So, it's really possible..* I wouldn't advise this to everyone else, because it's truly not easy and there are people who just wants to move on with their lives and find someone else. But in case, you really love your partner and you are willing to take this path, then I would say that it's truly worth all of it...
> 
> You can read my thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...y-husband-left-me-but-i-am-not-giving-up.html and you can see that most people have told me to move on.. I was stubborn.. I CAN'T. I love my husband so much..


It is so nice to see some positive stories in the midst of all of the negative. It does happen. I'm praying that I may have a happy ending to my saga. Only God knows the end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

I love that.

I'm on month 2. Things are improving...we'll see.


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## Shoeguy

Well I'm just over 6 months divorced and having terrible trouble with the whole situation. I needed six months to clear the fog but ex-wife has either moved on or doesn't feel her fog has lifted. Moved out Feb and tried to open lines of communication weeks ago. Although we are now talking basically everyday it is only surface stuff and not addressing our feelings. I guess that is a start.

She keeps giving me mixed signals. I will do my best to give her space but it is the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. I try and think of other things but can not seem to break the cycle yet.

I still have strong feelings for her and I predict she is going to be really hurt soon with our seconds childs birthday and then the holidays coming up. She has no family near and my family has started considering her a friend and has expressed feelings that she will not be welcome during those traditional family times.

I guess I have to sit on the sidelines, work on me and see what happens.
We were married for 19 years and together 22.


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## Warrior44

Shoeguy said:


> Well I'm just over 6 months divorced and having terrible trouble with the whole situation. I needed six months to clear the fog but ex-wife has either moved on or doesn't feel her fog has lifted. Moved out Feb and tried to open lines of communication weeks ago. Although we are now talking basically everyday it is only surface stuff and not addressing our feelings. I guess that is a start.
> 
> She keeps giving me mixed signals. I will do my best to give her space but it is the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. I try and think of other things but can not seem to break the cycle yet.
> 
> I still have strong feelings for her and I predict she is going to be really hurt soon with our seconds childs birthday and then the holidays coming up. She has no family near and my family has started considering her a friend and has expressed feelings that she will not be welcome during those traditional family times.
> 
> I guess I have to sit on the sidelines, work on me and see what happens.
> We were married for 19 years and together 22.


Patiece my friend.
I am going through the same thing and it's hard.
Although, we haven't divorced. but separted 4 months. The fog is lifting and we are talking alot more.
Don't expect to get to the deep issues for some time. Some things may never come up due to embarrassment.

Just work on the situation at hand and take it show.

Although, we aren't back together yet.
but some real progress is being made.
last night, where she lives with her brother and sister in law. The sister in law was itching to talk to my son and his gf big time, since my wife was at work.
Plus, for what the sons gf says, the sister in law seems to think the wife will be moving back home in a week or two.
I don't know, I am just hearing bits and pieces and alot of speculating.
being that she lives with her brother and his wife. they would probably know exactly what is going on, with the ife talking to them and etc.

I just hope they are right.
Then again, I would love to hear it from her.

But who knows. We are supposed to go work out together afterwhile. That, or I'm sure, I'll talk to her sometime tonight.

But, in the mean time..be strong and patient.
Unfortuatily, these things take time and time isn't easy thing to deal with.


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## drsparkle

I too am just sat on the side lines eternally hoping. 3 months for me. 
Husband said he was so unhappy and that i was controlling. Says he would never want to go through the hurt again. Says i am not worth the risk. He thinks he can be happier elsewhere (with new woman). 

I am about to move 250 miles away from him. Knowing that he loves his job and that he will never come after me. 
The hope is the poisoning factor. Whilst there is hope it stops you moving on.


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## marksaysay

drsparkle said:


> The hope is the poisoning factor. Whilst there is hope it stops you moving on.


This is where I'm at, too. The bible actually says in "Proverbs 13:12 (NLT) Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life. I think it's pretty accurate. It's not really that I don't believe restoration or reconciliation can or will happen. It's just the time it takes for it to become a reality. All one can really do is wait.


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## artlady

> I hated everything about the separation and there wasn't a single moment that I didn't wish I have my husband back. I didn't want to do the 180 -- I CAN'T. I just missed him so badly.
> 
> And so instead of moving on, I did the opposite. I showed him more love and affection than before, I showed him that I have changed and I'm just purely loving him with no expectations in return. It wasn't easy. Most of the time, he would just floor me and tell me that he doesn't love me and ask me to leave him alone. There was even a point when he doesn't even want to be friends - he was being a jerk just so I leave him alone.
> 
> But I didn't. I CAN'T... I kept faith. I just continued to show him that I love him.
> 
> Yesterday, we had a serious talk and YES -- he is coming back!! :smthu mbup:
> 
> So, it's really possible.. I wouldn't advise this to everyone else, because it's truly not easy and there are people who just wants to move on with their lives and find someone else. But in case, you really love your partner and you are willing to take this path, then I would say that it's truly worth all of it...


First off, how wonderful that you and your husband are back together!! I wish you all the luck and love in the world. 

Your story's a lot like mine. I could NOT do the 180, and my H told me repeatedly that he wasn't in love with me, just wanted to be alone, etc. But in the end, me telling him how much I still loved him and knew we could work things out worked, because he said later that he was glad I did that. It echoed repeatedly in his mind and made him realize that yes, he was still in love with me.


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## HappyAtLast

1) Separated for about 9 months.

2) It's going pretty good..we have good/bad days, but overall, pretty good..I think we understand each other a lot better now.

3) We both realized that we loved each other, and that the thought of spending the rest of our lives apart would be unbearable.


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## dipeaches

I have been married for 29 years (with alot of issues) we have all the typical marraige gone wrong issues, sex, money, infidelity, alcohol. We have been seperated for the first time 1 year now. We have a divorce pending that we plan to go through with. Here is the problem-I love him with all my heart, and he loves me with all his heart. We have never had very good communication skills. This is the root of most of our problems. Here is the part where I am very confused: We recently had a meeting, we experienced new communication that worked. In this meeting we discussed, that maybe we should go to counseling to see if we could save what we both have we are still getting a divorce. This attempt at reconciliation will run concurent. I have come a really long way and am confused if this is normal reactions or do I run. He has had affairs and I never have. We were 16 when we met so have been together for 37 years. Any ideas, I do plan on continuing with my self improvements for me. That I will not set aside.


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## rocketship_99

Going on two months for us. Im hearing she wants nothing to do with me ever again... etc... hurting big time.... but im hoping in time she will calm and talk with me so we can deal with this together thru counseling.


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## charlene

1) We've been appart for 3 years before we decided to get back together and get married
2) Things look the same to me, same issues, same things to fight about,even more often.
3) I decided i wanted to be with him for good, now i think he didn't appreciate the second chance, but we're still working on things


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## brighterlight

Heartbroken007 said:


> We were seperated about 6 weeks before I let him move back in. It took less than 2 weeks and he's gone again. Don't think reconciliation is going to work for us. Too much emotional pain that I don't think he's willing to work on. H doesn't feel marriage should be that much hard work


Every marriage takes work! He won't find one that doesn't, so if he plans to stay single for the rest of his life, he will succeed. He is kidding himself. Work has its rewards and difficulties, marriage is no different.


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## that_girl

that_girl said:


> I love that.
> 
> I'm on month 2. Things are improving...we'll see.


Three months to the day and my husband is home.

:smthumbup:


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## TimeHeals

There were a couple of months that my wife and I weren't on speaking terms, but then... she brought me something for my birthday..., and then I agreed to a date...

dating... was iffy, IMO, in the beginning. 5 months later I finally agreed to let her move back in since she rarely went back to her compartment (apartment) anyway.


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## JennaLynne

yourbabygirl said:


> *After 3 months, 5 days, and 8 hours -- MY husband has decided to come back and be with me forever. *
> 
> I hated everything about the separation and there wasn't a single moment that I didn't wish I have my husband back. I didn't want to do the 180 -- I CAN'T. I just missed him so badly.
> 
> And so instead of moving on, I did the opposite. I showed him more love and affection than before, I showed him that I have changed and I'm just purely loving him with no expectations in return. It wasn't easy. Most of the time, he would just floor me and tell me that he doesn't love me and ask me to leave him alone. There was even a point when he doesn't even want to be friends - he was being a jerk just so I leave him alone.
> 
> But I didn't. I CAN'T... I kept faith. I just continued to show him that I love him.
> 
> Yesterday, we had a serious talk and YES -- he is coming back!! :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:
> 
> *So, it's really possible..* I wouldn't advise this to everyone else, because it's truly not easy and there are people who just wants to move on with their lives and find someone else. But in case, you really love your partner and you are willing to take this path, then I would say that it's truly worth all of it...
> 
> You can read my thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...y-husband-left-me-but-i-am-not-giving-up.html and you can see that most people have told me to move on.. I was stubborn.. I CAN'T. I love my husband so much..


YBG - can you list some examples on what you did\said -- I feel I am in a similar situation as you. And a few talks went OK with H - but still not convinced things will ever stay good - that "good" changes won't last - and he may have even found an apt. Please help.


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## Hope1964

Lazarus said:


> 1) How long were you apart before reconciling?


6 months



Lazarus said:


> 2) Is the reconciliation a success or still working on it?


Still working on it - we are doing very well a year after getting back together, but it will be a work in progress for a while I think



Lazarus said:


> 3) What triggered reconciliation?


I decided to take him back after infidelity, after I went through my own counseling and determined that's what I wanted. He agreed.


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## cloudwithleggs

about 2 years.

we are still working on it and I won't live with him yet.

sex brought us back together that and another man.


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## scione

Wife wanted a separation. 2 months later we reconciled. Still working on it. 1 month into reconciliation, she told me she had an EA and realized grass is not greener on the other side, that's why she came back. Hurt like hell, but still working on it.


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## Warrior44

5 months.
We actually got a divorce and re-united 2 days afterwards.

It's been a wild ride..I never want to take again.


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## myelw316

ArtLady, you have just posted I think almost an IDENTICAL story to what I am in living right now. (maybe not identical life, family, etc, but the exgirlfriend and so many years together and midlife crisis..)
I would appreciate more than you could know if I could talk to you in an email. 
I have been married for 17 years and my husband moved out on Oct 4th (it's now Nov 17th) and he is involved with a high school girlfriend-on the phone...she lives 12 hours away but it is clearly an emotional affair and he wants to 'try to see if it will work' in January. I feel I am fighting against time but at the same time I feel like I need to back off completely because I did too much begging and pleading...this is devastating to me. We have 4 children together and are in the middle of a terrible financial crisis and I think because he just turned 39 (day after he moved out and the same week that his coworker left for a council trip...paid for by the company-my husband had always made this trip for our family until this year and now we have to sell our home, too) 
Is there anyway to private message in these forums? I need hope for reconciliation and ideas on what helps/hurts. I definitely contributed with being controling and demanding and he was always nice and accomodating and I complained. Ugh. What a wake up call. I have seen a counselor for a month and a half and majorly worked on my issues.


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## chocolategeek

One and a half years. I became pregnant with our third child during the third month of our separation. 

The reconciliation is a success, but there is still a lot of room for growth as individuals and as a couple. We now have a date night every Saturday and we are loving that, but today I made a stupid mistake by waking him up after he had less than an hour's worth of sleep from editing a friend's film. :/ 

What triggered R for us was his finally letting go of the fear of truly loving himself, and then me. He had very low self-esteem and looked to other women to build himself up. I, too, had really low self-worth at the time and would look to him to validate myself. 

It IS possible to have a successful R. But it takes prayers, a deeply positive mindset on your part, and taking good care of yourself while you are separated. The tricky part is you have to be okay with not reconciling. Release the need to control the outcome of your marriage to the Universe or to God. Recognize that the separation is an opportunity for growth for both of you.


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## Agast84

I am still waiting. I think I will will file in a few months.


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## sadwithouthim

chocolategeek said:


> One and a half years. I became pregnant with our third child during the third month of our separation.
> 
> The reconciliation is a success, but there is still a lot of room for growth as individuals and as a couple. We now have a date night every Saturday and we are loving that, but today I made a stupid mistake by waking him up after he had less than an hour's worth of sleep from editing a friend's film. :/
> 
> What triggered R for us was his finally letting go of the fear of truly loving himself, and then me. He had very low self-esteem and looked to other women to build himself up. I, too, had really low self-worth at the time and would look to him to validate myself.
> 
> It IS possible to have a successful R. But it takes prayers, a deeply positive mindset on your part, and taking good care of yourself while you are separated. The tricky part is you have to be okay with not reconciling. Release the need to control the outcome of your marriage to the Universe or to God. Recognize that the separation is an opportunity for growth for both of you.


Thanks for posting. I wish you and your husband well. 

I'm praying God has reconciliation in his plans for us but I'm fearing we are close to the end at least from my husbands point of view.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chocolategeek

sadwithouthim said:


> Thanks for posting. I wish you and your husband well.
> 
> I'm praying God has reconciliation in his plans for us but I'm fearing we are close to the end at least from my husbands point of view.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Thank you, sad. Hey, there...smile. Don't be so sad.  

I know it's awfully hard. It was for me during those 1 1/2 years. I was pregnant, clinically depressed, hardly gained weight. I went to counseling, which helped a lot. I learned how to remake myself as a high-value person, one who wasn't going to put up with his emotional abandonment and affairs.

I dated myself, went out with friends, took up and graduated with honors from a short chocolatier course, and everyday just kept reminding myself how blessed I was still. I really put me and the kids first and forced myself to stop pining for him. I put in my mind that were truly over by then, and I was doing my best to move forward with my life. It was when he noticed how happy I was within that he showed signs of wanting to reconcile. 

Take care of yourself, hon, and I mean really take care of yourself. At this time in your life, YOU (and your children, if you have any) come first. Let him be. You have to force yourself to focus on loving yourself, pursuing your passions, exploring what life has to offer. Love will come (it may not be with your husband, or it may be) when you and the other person are ready.


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## Mamatomany

artlady said:


> 1) Our separation lasted ten weeks, from October 15 to Christmas Eve of last year. This October we'll be married twenty years (together for over 22). My husband, simply put (but not trying to understate the pain and trauma), had a midlife crisis and took off.
> 
> 2) I would consider our reconciliation mostly successful. We have a better, stronger, loving marriage with more open communication. We no longer take each other for granted. The only lingering problems are over his PA and EA during the separation, with an ex-girlfriend, but he is completely transparent, cut off contact with her back in January, is truly sorry; and I am finally... I'll never forget, and it'll always cause me pain, but we both recognize that it's something I'll be working through for awhile.
> 
> 3) What triggered the reconciliation? I was getting ready to move on, getting psychiatric help (I developed severe depression and an anxiety disorder after he left me), start a "new life", and my H's fog finally started lifting, and he saw that he was about to lose me forever, and didn't want that. He decided that he wanted the love of his life back. I was sort of tricked into the reconciliation because I didn't know about the PA/EA until two weeks later, but here's the thing: we both came back knowing that we'd do anything to save our marriage. I'd never wanted the divorce. Despite all the pain he caused me, we were both resolved.
> 
> So, another happy story here. I truly do wish it was the same for all of you.


I really just wanted to bump this story up because it gave me hope and I'd like this to happen... wish she still posted (I guess all is good or she maybe back here w/ a different ending).


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## sadwithouthim

Thank you for your kind words. There seems to be some strong women on this site. It also seems that the ones who tough it out and start to move forward with their lives are the ones that end up reconciling. I needed to do many of the things you are saying.....just so hard. I shouldn't complain as I think it would be much harder if i were pregnant. Gosh that had to be so stressful for you. 

Chocolate course....how fun. 

Thanks again for coming back to provide hope for others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sparkles422

We were apart one year and reconcilied on 1/29/12.

It is better and more mature and the communication has been exactly what was missing previously.

We had to travel the road we did to learn about ourselves by ourselves.

We both feel very lucky and blessed for a second chance.

ps: Most important of all is not to stuff any, I mean any, strong feelings no matter what your ego wants! Discuss everything!


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## sadwithouthim

Sparkles422 said:


> We were apart one year and reconcilied on 1/29/12.
> 
> It is better and more mature and the communication has been exactly what was missing previously.
> 
> We had to travel the road we did to learn about ourselves by ourselves.
> 
> We both feel very lucky and blessed for a second chance.
> 
> ps: Most important of all is not to stuff any, I mean any, strong feelings no matter what your ego wants! Discuss everything!


I'm happy you are doing well. Ill pray it just keeps getting better and better for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

Wife and I were emotionally seperated for months, lived together but no connection.We were in MC and the whole time she was having an EA with old high school bf she looked up on fb,they even met together four times in a K-mart parking lot in the day(nothing physical happend,believe me).When I found out I demanded she cut it off,she refused.
I kicked her out,4-5 days later she was having a breakdown,she finally figured out OM only wanted her for one thing.In her mind it was too late,she knew she lost everything.When I found out she was on her way to the mental hospital I went and got her things and brought her home.
that was 6-7 weeks ago and she is still working hard to win me and the kids back and she is doing a good job at it,things can still be a little bumpy because me and the kids wonder if she will do something like this again,I really dont think she will.its getting better everyday and she goes out of her way to please me and I can feel a strong connetion with her now.She text me throughout the day and gives me a lot of attention.I thought we were done,I'm glad things are turnning out like they are.BTW,for her to have the EA,was TOTALLY out of character for her.She knows she was in fantasy land and hates herself for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Honeystly

I agree with fatiguedfatherof4, however long it does take before any possible reconciliation attempt, do you know if you would be able to do it knowing that while you were apart, your husband probably had sex with other people? My and my husband separated 8 weeks ago, and already there is no way in hell I would ever touch him again. Just imagining him with somebody else, breaking his vows..... no, never again. 
I don't think reconciliation is as easy as simply taking somebody back. It probably brings up lots of hostile feelings. Do you want to reconcile, in all honesty?


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## angelpixie

This may sound crazy, but I think I'd already resigned myself to STBXH having a PA so many times while we were still together (he had multiple EAs, and I was trying to mentally prepare myself for the rest). So now that we're living apart, and presumably headed to divorce with no desire on his part to reconcile, I know he's out there looking for freedom and fun. 

If this is some kind of 'fog,' I think it will be harder for me to reconcile after the changing history he's done about our own relationship. If he really understands how his actions and words have affected me, and truly feels remorse, it will be easier to forget how he's tried to take away any positive memories about our relationship and turn it into garbage.


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## Jayb

chocolategeek said:


> One and a half years. I became pregnant with our third child during the third month of our separation.
> 
> The reconciliation is a success, but there is still a lot of room for growth as individuals and as a couple. We now have a date night every Saturday and we are loving that, but today I made a stupid mistake by waking him up after he had less than an hour's worth of sleep from editing a friend's film. :/
> 
> What triggered R for us was his finally letting go of the fear of truly loving himself, and then me. He had very low self-esteem and looked to other women to build himself up. I, too, had really low self-worth at the time and would look to him to validate myself.
> 
> It *IS* possible to have a successful R. But it takes prayers, a deeply positive mindset on your part, and taking good care of yourself while you are separated. The tricky part is you have to be okay with not reconciling. Release the need to control the outcome of your marriage to the Universe or to God. Recognize that the separation is an opportunity for growth for both of you.


I wish you the best. Your last paragraph really hits close.


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## kgregory1011

In October 2010 my life changed. My marriage fell apart and I was an emotional wreck. My story is on this site My husband moved out into an apartment in December 2010. Throughout this time I was a mess, I could barely function. With the help of friends and my daughter I picked up the pieces and tried to figure things out. In Feb 2011 my husband and I decided that we really did love one another but we had some pretty big issues to resolve.

We have been living apart for almost 1 1/2 years, it's had it's good times and it's bad. I have grown alot and I have had time to reflect and see the mistakes that contributed to my marriage falling apart. I look back now and I realize that this is something I had to go through, I needed this to happen. I am a different person now, a stronger person and I am grateful for the people who have stood by me through my mess called life. 

I am happy to report that my husband and I are starting " a new beginning". We just purchased a home together, a new start and we will be starting the living together process in June! I am excited, scared and a million other emotions. 

Our relationship is much stronger now, he is my best friend. I look forward to many years with him, hopefully living together, maybe not.. who knows what the future holds. All I know is that I am going to live each day to the fullest 

Share


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## Mamatomany

angelpixie said:


> If this is some kind of 'fog,' I think it will be harder for me to reconcile after the changing history he's done about our own relationship. If he really understands how his actions and words have affected me, and truly feels remorse, it will be easier to forget how he's tried to take away any positive memories about our relationship and turn it into garbage.


Mine has done this too...I have seen a lot of remorse ... before he moved out. Since then not happening though. I need a change...


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## Sparkles422

kgregory1011 said:


> In October 2010 my life changed. My marriage fell apart and I was an emotional wreck. My story is on this site My husband moved out into an apartment in December 2010. Throughout this time I was a mess, I could barely function. With the help of friends and my daughter I picked up the pieces and tried to figure things out. In Feb 2011 my husband and I decided that we really did love one another but we had some pretty big issues to resolve.
> 
> We have been living apart for almost 1 1/2 years, it's had it's good times and it's bad. I have grown alot and I have had time to reflect and see the mistakes that contributed to my marriage falling apart. I look back now and I realize that this is something I had to go through, I needed this to happen. I am a different person now, a stronger person and I am grateful for the people who have stood by me through my mess called life.
> 
> I am happy to report that my husband and I are starting " a new beginning". We just purchased a home together, a new start and we will be starting the living together process in June! I am excited, scared and a million other emotions.
> 
> Our relationship is much stronger now, he is my best friend. I look forward to many years with him, hopefully living together, maybe not.. who knows what the future holds. All I know is that I am going to live each day to the fullest
> 
> Share


My goodness: my story is very similar except we actually divorced in July 2011 but we have reconcilied in January of 2012
What a journey, what a miracle! Took me by surprise, pleasantly and happily.


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## kgregory1011

Sparkles422 said:


> My goodness: my story is very similar except we actually divorced in July 2011 but we have reconcilied in January of 2012
> What a journey, what a miracle! Took me by surprise, pleasantly and happily.[/QUOTE
> 
> That was the super short story .. lol
> 
> I am trying to remember all the bad stuff happened 1 1/2 years ago, we are together, just not living together at the moment. This is the biggest step for me. Slowly we will be making the transition .. very slowly!
> 
> I wish you much luck on your adventure.. Theres is a reason why everything happens. I really do believe I had to go through all this. The experience has made me a stronger more independent person. It has made us a stronger couple


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## sadwithouthim

kgregory1011 said:


> Sparkles422 said:
> 
> 
> 
> My goodness: my story is very similar except we actually divorced in July 2011 but we have reconcilied in January of 2012
> What a journey, what a miracle! Took me by surprise, pleasantly and happily.[/QUOTE
> 
> That was the super short story .. lol
> 
> I am trying to remember all the bad stuff happened 1 1/2 years ago, we are together, just not living together at the moment. This is the biggest step for me. Slowly we will be making the transition .. very slowly!
> 
> I wish you much luck on your adventure.. Theres is a reason why everything happens. I really do believe I had to go through all this. The experience has made me a stronger more independent person. It has made us a stronger couple
> 
> 
> 
> So happy for you. Thanks for posting...another story to boost my hope. I will pray for your future together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
Click to expand...


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## kgregory1011

We need a "life after reconciliation" thread. I would love to get some advice from someone who has been there.


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## DownUnder

kgregory1011 said:


> We need a "life after reconciliation" thread. I would love to get some advice from someone who has been there.


Ditto!

Im only 3 weeks into our reconciliation and its been one hell of a bumpy ride...i would soo love getting advice from someone who has gone thru it before.


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## sadwithouthim

kgregory1011 said:


> We need a "life after reconciliation" thread. I would love to get some advice from someone who has been there.


Start a thread under reconciliation titled something like support after reconciliation. Then folks like you and others can post on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kgregory1011

We aren't living together yet  He has his house and I have mine. He spends weekends at my house (he lives 45 min away)and stays at his house during the week (the commute to work from my house is way too long). We bought a big enough house (2800 sq ft) so that we could each have our "own" space. We are going to take our time moving back in together


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## kgregory1011

DownUnder said:


> Ditto!
> 
> Im only 3 weeks into our reconciliation and its been one hell of a bumpy ride...i would soo love getting advice from someone who has gone thru it before.


Bumpy ride? 

Thats what I am scared of.


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## chocolategeek

sadwithouthim said:


> Thank you for your kind words. There seems to be some strong women on this site. It also seems that the ones who tough it out and start to move forward with their lives are the ones that end up reconciling. I needed to do many of the things you are saying.....just so hard. I shouldn't complain as I think it would be much harder if i were pregnant. Gosh that had to be so stressful for you.
> 
> Chocolate course....how fun.
> 
> Thanks again for coming back to provide hope for others.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



We need to encourage and comfort other people who are going through rough times in their marriage. Friends who listened and comforted me were those who helped me most during my darkest days. Yes, it was doubly hard for me, being pregnant. But I forced myself to keep getting up and seeing the sun each day, and eventually I did really see the light--that everything that was happening was a pruning of sorts in my life. I was examining myself, what I had done wrong within the marriage, and vowing to change for the better whoever I ended up with.

Yes, my chocolate studies were fun. I now have my own chocolate business.  Funny--I found my life's passion at a time when I thought my love for life had died within me. It is hard, sad, but not impossible. Keep forcing yourself to walk forward, and soon you will be running. On days when all you feel like is sulking, get out all the ugly feelings with a good hard, cry. And then dust yourself off, stand tall, chin up. And smile. We are all still so blessed.


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## chocolategeek

kgregory1011 said:


> Bumpy ride?
> 
> Thats what I am scared of.


It is going to be bumpy. Those first few months together will have you questioning sometimes if it was the right thing to do, to reconcile. But keep on. It's a matter of maintaing that delicate balance of the elements of love--honesty, tact, confidence, humility, spending time with each other, giving time for yourself. 

Know when to speak to your spouse about something, and know when to leave well alone until heads are cool. Always put the marriage first and operate from a place of confidence and faith--not from fear and doubt.


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## sadwithouthim

chocolategeek said:


> We need to encourage and comfort other people who are going through rough times in their marriage. Friends who listened and comforted me were those who helped me most during my darkest days. Yes, it was doubly hard for me, being pregnant. But I forced myself to keep getting up and seeing the sun each day, and eventually I did really see the light--that everything that was happening was a pruning of sorts in my life. I was examining myself, what I had done wrong within the marriage, and vowing to change for the better whoever I ended up with.
> 
> Yes, my chocolate studies were fun. I now have my own chocolate business.  Funny--I found my life's passion at a time when I thought my love for life had died within me. It is hard, sad, but not impossible. Keep forcing yourself to walk forward, and soon you will be running. On days when all you feel like is sulking, get out all the ugly feelings with a good hard, cry. And then dust yourself off, stand tall, chin up. And smile. We are all still so blessed.


You are a very smart lady. I'm learning exactly what you said in the first paragraph in the divorce care class I'm taking. Exactly that we all have something to offer as support or knowledge to others in need and if we offer it, we will be rewarded back with comfort.

Congrats on your new business and how amazing you conquered this at your hardest times.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chocolategeek

sadwithouthim said:


> You are a very smart lady. I'm learning exactly what you said in the first paragraph in the divorce care class I'm taking. Exactly that we all have something to offer as support or knowledge to others in need and if we offer it, we will be rewarded back with comfort.
> 
> Congrats on your new business and how amazing you conquered this at your hardest times.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you, dear. We are all stronger than we think. We are loved every moment by a Higher Power even though our present circumstances may seem otherwise. Every setback, every challenge, every obstacle is really an opportunity for learning, growth, and doing better the next time around.

Hugs to you and all the others here who are in pain or afraid, anxious, and excited all at the same time about reconciling. And to those who have reconciled, keep the faith.


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## chocolategeek

Jayb said:


> I wish you the best. Your last paragraph really hits close.


Thank you, Jayb. I couldn't have done it without the loving support of my dearest friends, and praying and forcing myself to see everything from another perspective. It was so easy to cry and feel sorry for myself and blame my husband for everything and be bitter, but the harder thing to do was to see that all this mess meant something was not right with both of us. 

It was, for me, a time of painful self-examination and very slow but steady growth.


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## DownUnder

chocolategeek said:


> It is going to be bumpy. Those first few months together will have you questioning sometimes if it was the right thing to do, to reconcile. But keep on. It's a matter of maintaing that delicate balance of the elements of love--honesty, tact, confidence, humility, spending time with each other, giving time for yourself.
> 
> Know when to speak to your spouse about something, and know when to leave well alone until heads are cool. Always put the marriage first and operate from a place of confidence and faith--not from fear and doubt.


Thank you so much for saying this, i really needed to hear this from someone who has gone thru the same situation and made it to the end victoriously.

Chocolate, you're an inspiration and i hope your marriage will continue to prosper with much love and stronger bond. xoxo


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## chocolategeek

DownUnder said:


> Thank you so much for saying this, i really needed to hear this from someone who has gone thru the same situation and made it to the end victoriously.
> 
> Chocolate, you're an inspiration and i hope your marriage will continue to prosper with much love and stronger bond. xoxo


You're welcome, DownUnder.  You know what? We are, each of us, a work in progress as long as we are alive. Growth and learning must never stop. To this day, my husband and I still have frustrations about each other. We still get annoyed with each other. We still argue. And now that we are running a fledgling business together, another dimension has been added to the relationship that wasn't there before. So that's more things to disagree about.

BUT. There's a difference now. Almost a year into our reconciliation, we bounce back from every argument knowing that we deeply love each other, and that divorce is not an option. We don't always say it. We just know it in our hearts. And we don't fight about the past anymore, about his EAs and PAs. That's not fair. If you gave the marriage a chance, you should consciously keep moving forward with forgiveness--for both your sakes. I know it's not easy, but it can be done. 

Couples that have reconciled do not have a challenge-free marriage, although it may look like it from the outside. We're just people who've learned to keep our hearts wide open. Life is full of challenges every single day. (By the way, I stopped using the word "problem" last year. I didn't like the way it weighed me down whenever I thought of it and said it. In its place, I now use the word "challenge." It's a lot more positive and always reminds me that we can overcome.)

And speaking of overcome, I had to get through a TON of trust issues with our marriage. He had EAs, PAs. I didn't think I could trust him ever again. But here we are. And something really feels different about us now. I feel like I am genuinely in love with him as a person, and not just the idea of him as a husband. I always wondered why I rarely laughed a real belly laugh during our marriage, the laugh that just has you shaking from the depths with the release of good emotions. I realized that it was because I had an undercurrent of unhappiness within me: I was unhappy first with myself, and I was also unhappy with him. I felt like he was cheating on me, and it turns out I was right. Yet I let it go on. I didn't stand up for myself until I just exploded with hurt and anger and kicked him out.

These days I have the most amazing belly laughs when we are together. It feels so good. I told him this last week, said that our relationship felt lighter, that I couldn't quite figure out what it was, but that something that was previously burdening the marriage had gone away. I was pleasantly surprised by his answer: "The lies. The lies and the dark secrets that I kept from you are all gone. I thank God that we are back together. I cannot imagine a life without you." 

Again, DownUnder, thank you for the well wishes. I pray for the healing of your marriage and all the other people that are hurting as well. You guys are in my thoughts. 

Much love.


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## daisygirl 41

This thread gives me a glimmer of hope that things will work out for my H and I.
Good luck to you all
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## testing123

Great story Chocolategeek. I feel my wife and I could build the same way you and your significant other have, unfortunately it does not look like she will start to see the positive in anything any time soon, if ever.


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## daisygirl 41

Can I ask you all. Did you have days when you really thought that there was no hope of a R? That things had got so bad that you almost gave up?
I found out today that my H has stopped wearing his wedding ring to work (the ow is a co worker). He wears it when he comes to my house! This has really hit me hard today!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jayb

I think about no hope of R everyday. After my W last week, told me in front of MC. She's not ready at this time. So, it may be a long while, if ever. That admission, knocked me back a bit in my plans, because I was actively reading divorce remedy.

I look at my wedding ring a lot and wish I could wear it and it mean something.

We both stopped wearing the rings after separating. Funny thing is, I have no idea where her wedding ring is at the house. I know where all the jewelry is.

But, like others here, I have to make a better/new me and let go, let it go, and hope and pray--patience. As I write that, I am sad.


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## chocolategeek

testing123 said:


> Great story Chocolategeek. I feel my wife and I could build the same way you and your significant other have, unfortunately it does not look like she will start to see the positive in anything any time soon, if ever.


I feel for you, testing. That is how it was for me for a good year. My husband even told me that he saw me as a sister to him. Felt like a gut-punch. Wow. So I let go even more. But I had already prayed for R. I had just really learned to let go.


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## chocolategeek

daisygirl 41 said:


> Can I ask you all. Did you have days when you really thought that there was no hope of a R? That things had got so bad that you almost gave up?
> I found out today that my H has stopped wearing his wedding ring to work (the ow is a co worker). He wears it when he comes to my house! This has really hit me hard today!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, daisygirl. In the 1 1/2 years that we were apart there were many, many days that felt hopeless. I gave up lots of times. But I just kept bouncing back in my life, because I knew that those were just feelings of despair that would eventually lift. I became confident not about us reconciling, but of me finding true love. In fact, I even wrote it in big beautiful words on a piece of paper: "True love has found me."

My husband saw the paper and became red in the face. "So true love has found you," he said. I snatched the paper away from him and said that I was just using the Law of Attraction. Little did I know that _he_ would really be the true love that would find me (again) in the end.

Pray for R, daisygirl, then let it go. Live your life. Love yourself. Build a life of your own without him. That sounds very difficult and it is, because you love your husband, but knowing that he takes off his wedding ring to work with the OW there...oh, man. Leave him be. Please focus on yourself, hon. I forced myself to do that.


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## chocolategeek

Jayb said:


> I think about no hope of R everyday. After my W last week, told me in front of MC. She's not ready at this time. So, it may be a long while, if ever. That admission, knocked me back a bit in my plans, because I was actively reading divorce remedy.
> 
> I look at my wedding ring a lot and wish I could wear it and it mean something.
> 
> We both stopped wearing the rings after separating. Funny thing is, I have no idea where her wedding ring is at the house. I know where all the jewelry is.
> 
> But, like others here, I have to make a better/new me and let go, let it go, and hope and pray--patience. As I write that, I am sad.


I know how sad you are, Jayb. I understand the loneliness, the seemingly long road ahead. But please look at this as something that might be for both your benefit. There is a reason for everything. And this, perhaps, is the time that is for your growth and learning APART, as individuals.


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## DownUnder

chocolategeek said:


> I feel for you, testing. That is how it was for me for a good year. My husband even told me that he saw me as a sister to him. Felt like a gut-punch. Wow. So I let go even more. But I had already prayed for R. I had just really learned to let go.


Chocolate this is exactly what my husband said to me last year...it crushed me so badly.

He has now moved back home (has been 3 weeks since he came home) and yet each week in our MC he said he has not found that connection with me yet and that he still doesn't know if he loves me....each time i hear him say that it breaks my heart, again and again.

I waited one whole year for him to come home and now that he finally did come home a few weeks ago and the battle is still continuting and even more harder it seems.

Yesterday was a really bad day....im soo close to giving up hope in this reconcilliation, eventho he came home i still feel so hopeless and lonely as he still withdrew emotionally and sometimes even physically.... i cry almost everyday


----------



## sadwithouthim

chocolategeek said:


> Yes, daisygirl. In the 1 1/2 years that we were apart there were many, many days that felt hopeless. I gave up lots of times. But I just kept bouncing back in my life, because I knew that those were just feelings of despair that would eventually lift. I became confident not about us reconciling, but of me finding true love. In fact, I even wrote it in big beautiful words on a piece of paper: "True love has found me."
> 
> My husband saw the paper and became red in the face. "So true love has found you," he said. I snatched the paper away from him and said that I was just using the Law of Attraction. Little did I know that _he_ would really be the true love that would find me (again) in the end.
> 
> Pray for R, daisygirl, then let it go. Live your life. Love yourself. Build a life of your own without him. That sounds very difficult and it is, because you love your husband, but knowing that he takes off his wedding ring to work with the OW there...oh, man. Leave him be. Please focus on yourself, hon. I forced myself to do that.


I love everything you just said here from the note to praying for reconciliation and then just letting God do his work and try and live my life.


I love your wisdom and advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wildflower3

I posted this on another thread thinking this was the one I was in.

What made the WAS decide to reconcile? What sparked the change of heart?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jayb

Wildflower3 said:


> I posted this on another thread thinking this was the one I was in.
> 
> What made the WAS decide to reconcile? What sparked the change of heart?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm curious as well. And, also, how, the other spouse recognized it and accepted it.


----------



## cabin fever

I believe there are a # of factors that contribute to 1 spouse wanting to come back. 

1. changing youself. They grew tired of what you were, and they are scared that they will go back to the same routine. You have to change yoursef, physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

2. They have to see what it will be like without you in their life. You have to be willing to let them see it. This is where the 180 comes in, and has to be followed. Once you start it, you must commit, and not be willing to care about anything they have going on in their lives (its hard with kids, but you get the jist) 1 of the best things I ever did, was take my son away for 3 days 2 weekends in row, and she was left with NOTHING TO DO, BUT THINK! 1 weekend we went racing outta town, and the next weekend we went hunting outta town. I made sure that that weekend was all about me and my kid. We had an absolute blast! It was his first time being with all the guys, and to this day hasn't stopped talking about it. My wife was going nuts, she told me it was the loneliest she has ever been in her life! That was the spark that started the fire, and got her thinking what it was going to be like. 

3. SPACE! Nagging, pleading, begging, pushyness is a big fat unattractive quality, that noone likes! 



as for knowing when they changed. I can tell you in my case it wasn't 1 thing. It was a # of different things, over a period of time. And quite frankly I needed it to continue before I was ready to reconcile. My W, started texting me about dumb things, started calling me about dumb things. Wrote me a letter telling me how sorry she was, and how stupid she was. She started making sure I knew where she was at all times. She started including me in her plans (this part really threw me for a loop). She wanted to be with me and our son, when we went to games, shopping, what ever. All these little things, let me know she was reengaged. don't settle for 1 little hint. Make her commit, just like she did you, follow the 180.


----------



## DownUnder

Wildflower3 said:


> I posted this on another thread thinking this was the one I was in.
> 
> What made the WAS decide to reconcile? What sparked the change of heart?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wish i can tell you a definete answer to this but i can't...at best i could hazzard a guess but i know that the children plays a big part why he wants to give us another shot. 

I can tell you that reconcilliation involved a lot of patience, hard work and strong determination. 

Initially i thought 'if only my husband would come home then we can work thru our issues together and we'll be alright' but that is so far from the truth....yes he has made a decision to come home but we are still going thru a very difficult phase of re-building and re-connecting which is full of uncertainty and doubts. Im still going thru a roller coaster of emotions everyday and taking it one day at a time.

I will come back and let you know the answer to this question when we get to a stage where we are stable and stronger.


----------



## chocolategeek

DownUnder said:


> Chocolate this is exactly what my husband said to me last year...it crushed me so badly.
> 
> He has now moved back home (has been 3 weeks since he came home) and yet each week in our MC he said he has not found that connection with me yet and that he still doesn't know if he loves me....each time i hear him say that it breaks my heart, again and again.
> 
> I waited one whole year for him to come home and now that he finally did come home a few weeks ago and the battle is still continuting and even more harder it seems.
> 
> Yesterday was a really bad day....im soo close to giving up hope in this reconcilliation, eventho he came home i still feel so hopeless and lonely as he still withdrew emotionally and sometimes even physically.... i cry almost everyday


I feel your pain, DownUnder. There are actually many different types of R. At one end, there are those that feel super easy, where everything just flows, and on the other end of the spectrum, there are those that are just terribly hard and taxing. I'm not saying that your R won't be successful. Not at all. It just means that with those who have a very rocky start with R, there are still a good many issues to sort through. 

Please don't give up. What were the events surrounding his coming back home? Was it of his own free will? The most important thing for you to do now is to FORCE yourself to create new experiences. You have to literally wrench yourself from that place of pain and go outside of it. I know how bad it can be. But don't you get kind of a muscle ache in the brain when you've been depressed for quite some time? It saps your energy. That's your signal to force yourself to move forward with life.

How do you create new experiences for yourself? Ever had old hobbies (you can even think back to your childhood) that you've always wanted to pursue but kept postponing? Ever had dreams you wanted to achieve but you just kept putting them on the bottom of your priorities because there were more "important" things to do? This is the time to do them. As in now. Go out there and chase the stars. Explore the world. At least, that was what I did. It was partly to distract me from the pain, but mostly to propel me forward in my growth. I was getting so sick of crying and being sad and asking why, why, why my husband didn't seem to love me anymore.

Renew your zest for life. Remember when we were children, when we had such a joy for living? When everything seemed so magical? You must get this vibe back for YOURSELF. See, DownUnder, we all have to have a life outside of our role of being a spouse. Not a secret, other life. A life that is brimming with joy and love and kindness, a life that others can't help but want to be a part of. This is actually what makes truly happy people so attractive. When we come across a person that is happy within, we're so drawn to them like moths to a flame. They radiate a light from within. 

I'm not talking about people that fake happiness--those that are full of insecurities and hang on to all sorts of issues within and try so hard to appear happy from the outside. These people look cheerful, they joke a lot (notice they make jabs and insult other people mostly), they laugh a lot, but in the end their unhappiness with themselves seeps through the cracks. This is when they whine and complain endlessly, they wallow in self-pity, and act as if the whole universe revolves around them. These people make us squirm and want to run away, never to return. These people, instead of attracting others with their light, REPEL people with their toxic spewing. Maybe, at one time or another, with our life experiences, we went through a stage where we became like this. But we don't want to stay there and become stagnant. We want to keep moving forward.

When your husband sees you having your own life outside of the confines of your marriage, when he feels that you have changed from the inside, this will naturally draw him to you. But like I said, you can't and shouldn't try to fake it. You must work on yourself, which at first takes painful self-examination to see where you contributed to the degradation of the marriage. Once you accept that, you can then begin to change it and in the process change yourself for the better.


----------



## believergirl

DownUnder said:


> oh **** im in the exact same situation
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## chocolategeek

sadwithouthim said:


> I love everything you just said here from the note to praying for reconciliation and then just letting God do his work and try and live my life.
> 
> 
> I love your wisdom and advice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks, hon. Those 1 1/2 years were very turbulent for me, but they were also when I saw how strong I was, because God was working through me. I had to mother myself (be kind and patient to myself), father myself (stand up for myself and defend my dignity when my husband betrayed me with his affairs), be my own best friend (I had one very close friend who stood by me through everything but there were times I really didn't want to be bothering her with my marriage problems). 

Separation and divorce are incredibly difficult, a lot of the time there are no words for the pain. But eventually, we have to stop grasping and grabbing and hurting ourselves in the process. Let go and let God.


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## sadwithouthim

3leafclover said:


> 1) How long were you apart before reconciling?
> 
> 8 months separated. Reconciled for a little over 4 months.
> 
> 2) Is the reconciliation a success or still working on it?
> 
> Successful so far, but yes, still working on it.
> 
> 3) What triggered reconciliation?
> 
> I started dating somebody else. She swears up and down this had nothing to do with her timing, but come on...
> And although we've been reconciled for 4 months, I continued casually dating the guy for a month after she and I started "dating" again. Each knew about the other. I was suspicious of the timing and hesitant at first. Who wants to think their partner wants them back only because someone else is showing interest? It took me awhile to decide what I wanted to do because I was just finally starting to heal from the separation and afraid of having to start over at square 1 if it didn't work out again.


Thanks for telling your story. I wish you the best in reconciliation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pandakiss

we were apart about 4 months. husband went dark, nc, and did 180.

reconciling is always a work in progress. over 10 years later and we had yet another break through.

i cant say what triggered us getting back together. i think it just felt right. i was ready to talk, and i had been working on me.

we were just talking about this recently, and i asked him if we got back together for the "marriage"....he said maybe, not sure....

to this day we both still fight for our relationship. we both still want the same result.


----------



## sadwithouthim

Jayb said:


> I think about no hope of R everyday. After my W last week, told me in front of MC. She's not ready at this time. So, it may be a long while, if ever. That admission, knocked me back a bit in my plans, because I was actively reading divorce remedy.
> 
> I look at my wedding ring a lot and wish I could wear it and it mean something.
> 
> We both stopped wearing the rings after separating. Funny thing is, I have no idea where her wedding ring is at the house. I know where all the jewelry is.
> 
> But, like others here, I have to make a better/new me and let go, let it go, and hope and pray--patience. As I write that, I am sad.


Jay.....the patience is hard isn't it? I'm loosing it a bit this evening. My husband still wears his ring and has not told a sole in 14 months that we are separated. He still has not filed even though he told me he wants to divorce. I keep waiting for it but it doesn't come. I don't want divorced but I'm lost and lonely so i just try to hold on to patience and work on rebuilding myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41

To the original question:
Emotionally - 1 year 
Physicaly - 4 months
Hubby has moved home and it's wonderful. He's back. We are so happy
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim

daisygirl 41 said:


> To the original question:
> Emotionally - 1 year
> Physicaly - 4 months
> Hubby has moved home and it's wonderful. He's back. We are so happy
> X
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow....I'm so happy for you Daisy girl. I will keep praying for your happiness in your marriage.

I had to come back and edit as I'm in tears for your sudden start to R. I read back through your supportive post on my thread when I was hurting. I hope you will continue to pray for me in your prayers too.

I wish you so much luck in the days, weeks and months to come.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41

Sad
Thankyou for you prayers and thoughts. Yes I continue to pray for you all and hope that you all find peace in your hearts wether that is through reconciliation or moving forward.
I have truly been blessed with my H returning and we both want to move forward in a marriage that is stronger and happier than before. 
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jayb

daisygirl 41 said:


> Sad
> Thankyou for you prayers and thoughts. Yes I continue to pray for you all and hope that you all find peace in your hearts wether that is through reconciliation or moving forward.
> I have truly been blessed with my H returning and we both want to move forward in a marriage that is stronger and happier than before.
> X
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I will pray for you too!

Awesome!


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## chocolategeek

sadwithouthim said:


> Jay.....the patience is hard isn't it? I'm loosing it a bit this evening. My husband still wears his ring and has not told a sole in 14 months that we are separated. He still has not filed even though he told me he wants to divorce. I keep waiting for it but it doesn't come. I don't want divorced but I'm lost and lonely so i just try to hold on to patience and work on rebuilding myself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's probably still confused about everything. That's good, Sad, keep working on yourself--loving yourself unconditionally and at the same time becoming conscious of making better choices everyday, in every way.


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## chocolategeek

daisygirl 41 said:


> Sad
> Thankyou for you prayers and thoughts. Yes I continue to pray for you all and hope that you all find peace in your hearts wether that is through reconciliation or moving forward.
> I have truly been blessed with my H returning and we both want to move forward in a marriage that is stronger and happier than before.
> X
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm happy for you, daisygirl! Will pray for the repair and complete restoration of your marriage. Hang in there, it won't be easy! But your love for each other will pull you through.


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## christmaslady

separated for almost 2 years (from longterm relationship). 

we have our moments during talks where we think we are ready (even though we don't talk about it; his man pride won't let him-i kicked him out); but we both realize we are not ready. to an extent, i think we both want it (he has specifically told me he does not want me to leave him alone etc.) but we have not talked about unresolved issues; so it makes it difficult to determine.

still around each other (we e-mail, text, talk and check in on occassion-more than just hey how are you doing; we get the updates etc.); i'm not sure what that means

for full disclosure: I'm not married (never have been), we were in a long term relationship that ended rather abruptley. He lives around the corner with the OW; and I often feel like the OW now, but it sounds like he has grown alot and feels better about himself, and he is still talking to me about our feelings etc. I think we would have ALOT to work on before reconciliation; although I would let him come back home to work it out.


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## yourbabygirl

I know this thread isn't very active but I'm so happy for those who have reconciled. I wish that I could post here a happy story of my own soon. It's been a while since H left again, but instead of counting how long it has been, I look forward and thank that each day is one day closer to that grand reconciliation. 

I know this is just a TEMPORARY setback for us.


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## Tinkerbell24

Before you take your spouse back... man or woman.... make sure you are willing to live with what they have done and have been doing while you were apart. It's not gonna go away or get easier to deal with so make sure.... 100% for sure![/QUOTE]

Totally agree with the above. My husband and I have been separated for just over a year now (it was my choice to leave) and he has been in another country the past 6 months (due back in November) and I know that there is A LOT of stuff I have to work through before I can take him back especially because he has had physical relationships with other women since the break up.


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## 36Separated

When my wife first moved out 8years ago, she was gone 6months, it took around 4months before she was willing to try.

But 8years ltr she has left again n is now divorcing me


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## stopandmakecoffee

Lazarus said:


> 1) How long were you apart before reconciling?
> 
> 2) Is the reconciliation a success or still working on it?
> 
> 3) What triggered reconciliation?


1. going to week 7th
2. no R yet.
3. Flying Spaghetti Monster, perhaps, lol :rofl:


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## dolphinschick

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hibiscus

Lazarus said:


> 1) How long were you apart before reconciling?
> 
> Separated five months till we reconciled properly. Before that we tried four times but it didn't work because I was too emotional, too angry to forgive him. I would bring him back into my life and then dump him a few weeks later.
> 
> 2) Is the reconciliation a success or still working on it?
> 
> We are still working on it but its blossoming. Its been 3 months since we are in R and We now have many days when we laugh and joke together (like the old times). I never thought we could bond again as I thought the damage was too great. But I was wrong. There is still a lot of work to be done. Still not over
> 
> 3) What triggered reconciliation?


The fact that my partner was consistently remorseful. He is doing whatever he can to reassure me that he is committed.. Shows compassion and understanding when I am in pain, willing to do councelling, pays me a lot of attention, tals about his shame and regret for cheating on me. All of this helped me to decide to give him a chance


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## Kaya62003

hibiscus said:


> The fact that my partner was consistently remorseful. He is doing whatever he can to reassure me that he is committed.. Shows compassion and understanding when I am in pain, willing to do councelling, pays me a lot of attention, tals about his shame and regret for cheating on me. All of this helped me to decide to give him a chance


I wish you luck! :smthumbup:


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## RonHanh

yourbabygirl said:


> *After 3 months, 5 days, and 8 hours -- MY husband has decided to come back and be with me forever. *
> 
> I hated everything about the separation and there wasn't a single moment that I didn't wish I have my husband back. I didn't want to do the 180 -- I CAN'T. I just missed him so badly.
> 
> And so instead of moving on, I did the opposite. I showed him more love and affection than before, I showed him that I have changed and I'm just purely loving him with no expectations in return. It wasn't easy. Most of the time, he would just floor me and tell me that he doesn't love me and ask me to leave him alone. There was even a point when he doesn't even want to be friends - he was being a jerk just so I leave him alone.
> 
> But I didn't. I CAN'T... I kept faith. I just continued to show him that I love him.
> 
> Yesterday, we had a serious talk and YES -- he is coming back!! :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:
> 
> *So, it's really possible..* I wouldn't advise this to everyone else, because it's truly not easy and there are people who just wants to move on with their lives and find someone else. But in case, you really love your partner and you are willing to take this path, then I would say that it's truly worth all of it...
> 
> You can read my thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...y-husband-left-me-but-i-am-not-giving-up.html and you can see that most people have told me to move on.. I was stubborn.. I CAN'T. I love my husband so much..


What you did here is exactly the strategy that Mort Fertel endorses in his Marriage Fitness program which is basically this: change yourself to address the issues about yourself that led to the separation meanwhile showing your spouse unconditional love. I'm in the program now and it is the hardest thing I've ever done since my wife is obstinate and doesn't want to work on the marriage. But I'm finding inspiration in the bible and Mort's program -- hopefully my ending will be as happy as yours.


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## anapple

I left my HB for 1yr

were still working on it 

working it out for our son because we both grew up in a broken home and we never want our child to go threw that and also we still love each other and want to make this marriage work


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## hibiscus

anapple said:


> I left my HB for 1yr
> 
> were still working on it
> 
> working it out for our son because we both grew up in a broken home and we never want our child to go threw that and also we still love each other and want to make this marriage work


Hope it works out for you


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## daisygirl 41

RonHanh said:


> What you did here is exactly the strategy that Mort Fertel endorses in his Marriage Fitness program which is basically this: change yourself to address the issues about yourself that led to the separation meanwhile showing your spouse unconditional love. I'm in the program now and it is the hardest thing I've ever done since my wife is obstinate and doesn't want to work on the marriage. But I'm finding inspiration in the bible and Mort's program -- hopefully my ending will be as happy as yours.


I also did this, it didn't go down well with some of the TAM crowd and won't work for every situation but I knew if I didn't continue to show H love and acceptance despite the pain I endured I knew it would just push him further away.
Just be careful and try not to let yourself open to any more hurt and neglect
For me it worked, H and I have been reconciled for neat a year now and we have both continued with the changes and the positive steps to ensure out marriage is (almost) bulletproof.
Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Solon

Love the success stories!! Keep them going. 



daisygirl 41 said:


> I also did this, it didn't go down well with some of the TAM crowd and won't work for every situation but I knew if I didn't continue to show H love and acceptance despite the pain I endured I knew it would just push him further away.
> Just be careful and try not to let yourself open to any more hurt and neglect
> For me it worked, H and I have been reconciled for neat a year now and we have both continued with the changes and the positive steps to ensure out marriage is (almost) bulletproof.
> Good luck
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## gssteve

we have been separated for 3 months now with a 2 yr old son. it hurts so bad that my fiance doesn't want to reconcile at the moment. I took a better paying job (not what i wanted), about to close escrow on a home, switched to a less expensive car, and gave up a lot for her and my son. It's like she turned cold completely after being so excited about moving out of in laws. There's no OM i know for sure. i want my family together and raise our son....


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## Now and forever

My H and I were were together for 19 yrs married 12. We were best friends. Never fought. He had a very hard stressful year last year. Work. Loss of pets. I ca,e go,e from work on the 12/1 and he told me he wanted to seperate. Since that day he has been shut off. There is no other woman. After six weeks of trying to live with him. I had to leave our home. He is angry at me for leaving, but he was telling me he did love me and he did not want to get back together. He turnt 40. He will not talk to me and will not return messages. For the first 8 weeks I begged and pleaded with him to talk. But he would only get angry. Wouldn't return messages. This is a man who had never raised his voice before, couldn't talk to friends and family without getting defensive and angry. I had a nervous breakdown. Four weeks afo i decided to rake some time off work and fo away for some time away to let the dust settle and I have not heard from him at all. And I have not attempted to contact him. It's been 4 months since separation. There is still no other woman. His sister just tells me he is being very quiet and just working. Spiritually I feel that this is not over and he is just on a journey. So hurt and confused.


----------



## whitehawk

cisco7931 said:


> I'm at a stage right now of confusion if I still want to give it a shot or not. My wife has moved on tremendously fast and she said (I knew through mutual friends) that she has been hanging on for dear life for the past 3 years and I didnt even know...
> 
> I have those days of "Yes, I will do anything and try until I die to get her back and save the marriage", and "Hell no, unless she stops stepping on my dignity I wont"...
> 
> There are also days that I'm not even sure if I want to go back even if she wants to...
> 
> This may just be a phase of separation that we all need to go through...
> 
> Ours is a month long now and it is getting easier everyday for me... I guess I just have to make that one decision with no turning back.



That bs makes me that fkg angry , she says you didn't even know .
Notice when it's them - faking it , not talking to us about how they're feeling, we're suppose to have known.

But if they can't figure us out - it's because we won't talk about it.
So were in the wrong for not talking about it and for not reading their minds and signals but when they can't do that with us - it's still our fault.
Dunno how many effing times I've read that.


----------



## LoveBuggsMama

yourbabygirl said:


> evian123 -- thanks for your story. My husband has left me more than 2 weeks ago and so far the single life for him has been nothing short of a euphoria, while I suffer in agony longing for him beside me. I was wrong at first by begging and pleading him. Now, I am letting him get all the space and time and it is still too early to see any signs of him regretting what he has done. But I am really, really praying that this euphoria will wear off and he will soon realise that marriage is not really the problem in general - or if ever it is, it's not something we cannot find a solution to. I am still his wife loving him from afar.


I know this is like 5 years later but if theres a chance you still check this...how did things work out? Did your husbands euphoria wear off? My husband is in the same place and I am in yours. We've been separated for 3.5 months now and have a child together. He's now broke to the point where he literally has $7 to last him the next two weeks and has asked me to help him with finances. Im hoping this is him getting close to rock bottom but I wanted to know how your situation played out and how long it took your husband to come around


----------



## aine

First time, 3.5 months, he didn't say we were going to separate but left right after I gave birth. He he came back because his parents house was no longer available as they returned from a long trip overseas and we couldn't afford to run two houses. Very functional, kids very young, me very tired, so went along with it. If I had been on TAM I may have done things very differently. But you live and learn. 


Second time, 6 weeks or so. He begged to come back, said he was changing, doing all he could to change, IC, MC AA etc. He said he wanted to make it work. I didn't believe him per se but do see he is trying for the most part, but there is alot of work to be done and maybe we will get there.


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## farsidejunky

@LoveBuggsMama, this thread is from 2012. 

I would encourage you to start your own thread and tell your story in detail in order to get the most help from this place. I'm sorry for the situation you are in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jay83

We were separated for a few months. The problem was she never actually fully let me go.

Reconciliation has been a about four weeks now and after all that has happened we actually feel and seem stronger than ever now. 

The difference I made was to stay calm, listen and then talk about the problems that caused our separation and then listened to how she felt through it all and reassured her that we were going to come out of this stronger and wiser from both our mistakes. And she mirrored my behaviour.


----------



## Jay83

hibiscus said:


> The fact that my partner was consistently remorseful. He is doing whatever he can to reassure me that he is committed.. Shows compassion and understanding when I am in pain, willing to do councelling, pays me a lot of attention, tals about his shame and regret for cheating on me. All of this helped me to decide to give him a chance


same situation I am in with my wife. If she didn't show the remorse she has then I would never have even given it a second thought. She's not blamed anyone but herself, but I also realise that I wasn't the most attentive husband in the months leading up to the affair.


----------



## Habakkuk

Shoeguy said:


> Well I'm just over 6 months divorced and having terrible trouble with the whole situation. I needed six months to clear the fog but ex-wife has either moved on or doesn't feel her fog has lifted. Moved out Feb and tried to open lines of communication weeks ago. Although we are now talking basically everyday it is only surface stuff and not addressing our feelings. I guess that is a start.
> 
> She keeps giving me mixed signals. I will do my best to give her space but it is the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. I try and think of other things but can not seem to break the cycle yet.
> 
> I still have strong feelings for her and I predict she is going to be really hurt soon with our seconds childs birthday and then the holidays coming up. She has no family near and my family has started considering her a friend and has expressed feelings that she will not be welcome during those traditional family times.
> 
> I guess I have to sit on the sidelines, work on me and see what happens.
> We were married for 19 years and together 22.


The info you provided is great insight, I myself am in a similar situation. Your post connected with me and could use some support as well, give me a call brother, we could help each other. I have been thinking about building an alliance for all of us men/or women that are going through these difficult times. Something of a support system, Christian based where we could all help each other and also share our stories of how divorce effects the families it destroys. This is something very strong in my heart and want to help others. Anyone else who reads this feel free to call as well, let's unite and end this horrible concept of divorce that is taking our world by storm and we are accepting it. This has to be challenged by Faith,Hope,and Love.
Allen
214-886-1103


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## billbird2111

Lazarus said:


> 1) How long were you apart before reconciling?
> 
> 2) Is the reconciliation a success or still working on it?
> 
> 3) What triggered reconciliation?


1. How long were you apart before reconciling?

It will be a year in May since she left. She rebuffed all efforts at reconciliation during the first three months and that is when I finally stopped trying. I have since pulled the 180 move. Every two to three weeks she gets terribly lonely and messages me out of the blue. Sometimes I respond. Sometimes I don't. But her messages do not deal with getting back together, except for one, when she asked if I thought if we'd still be together had her brother not died. I said "yes." Her brother's death is what sent her into the emotional tailspin to begin with, and into the arms of another man, and then, woman.

2. Is the reconciliation a success or still working on it?

If it ever happens, I'll be the first to let you know. I am no longer working on it. And I was the only one working on it. Strangely enough, however, her headlong rush into divorce came to a screeching halt late last year and she hasn't picked it back up again. I'm not sure why. I don't ask. Our current status is "separated," although she will not post that status on any social media page and continues to wear her engagement diamond and wedding ring.

3. What triggered reconciliation?

Should this ever happen, and I strongly believe it won't, it will be the passage of time. The only thing I have going for me is I am her last living link to her mother, father and brother. I know what rose brings her to tears, for example, because it was her mother's favorite and her father planted that variety of rose at every house they ever lived in together during our marriage (three in total). I know her love of big band swing music comes from her grandmother, who played her the hits of Glenn Miller and others while she was growing up. She loves to dance to big band swing. Only I know why. I know the special meals that her mother would make for her. I know what her favorite fruit is. I know she has the greenest of green thumbs because I brought it out in her.

I don't know if this will be enough to ever trigger such a thing. I no longer hold out any hope. I no longer pine for her. She will always hold a special place in my heart, but she wanted her freedom and I gave it to her.


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## MattMatt

Zombie thread.


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