# Married young as a virgin, 8 years later, I'm curious



## shermanj (Mar 6, 2014)

Picking a title for this thread was difficult because I feel like my situation is a bit complex. I'll try and keep it brief...

My wife and I were raised in a very conservative/exacting faith, but a couple years ago we abandoned that belief system for a number of reasons. We met in college and married after only 9 months of dating. We were VERY young. Because of our faith at that time, the most we had done physically before marriage was french kiss. Premarital sexual contact was forbidden. Additionally, neither my wife nor myself had ever really even had a steady boyfriend or girlfriend before, so, needless to say, we shared a lot of firsts together.

In general, I would say we've had a pretty healthy sex-life throughout our marriage--and it continues that way. It was awkward and clumsy at first, and sometimes I couldn't even make it to intercourse before ejaculating, but we've made a lot of progress over time, and we both enjoy sex. We have 2 young children now, so the frequency and timing is not what we would always prefer, but that's just part of what you sign up for when you have kids, right?

Getting to the point. I love my wife and I am dedicated to our family, but having never had any sort of sexual contact with anyone at all, ever, in my life, previous to my wife, I frequently think about being with another woman. I'm not interested in a relationship with another woman, just another sexual experience. I feel like I've been drinking coke for 8 years, and I'm just curious to try a pepsi. Just to try it. I'll probably find that I prefer Coke-in fact, I hope that's what happens.

There's no way I can tell my wife about this, so that's why I'm posting here. I'm sure some of you will tell me I'm an awful person, but, I'm really not, I promise. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just don't know how to stop thinking about what it would be like to be with another partner in bed. Hmmmm....

Thoughts?


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

I am in a similar boat. My wife is the only woman I have ever been with. Also grew up and got married under the circumstances of a religion. 
I have had urges to be with other women. I do not entertain or fantasize about these urges because I know if I acted them out I would never come back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I don't think you are an awful person. I think you are a human person.

I also left a religion as you describe. I think it is common to have to reconcile what you missed out on. In my case there was a lot of anger to work through as I felt I had been prevented from having normal teenage and college age experiences.

I went out for ice cream on my 21st birthday, don't know about you. 

Here's what - it's okay to think these things. I've been married 18 years - I have a healthy fantasy life. Many include my husband and many do not. Fantasizing. 

I can't say what's right for anyone else. Some people with backgrounds like ours choose to try swinging with their spouses. To each their own.

I've been with people other than my husband (prior to marriage). My personal opinion - sex with someone who knows your body is better than with someone who doesn't. There are many sexual experiences you can have with your wife that you haven't had yet.

My fantasies with strangers, I have to make myself exude my after children body and the fact that it takes some doing to get me off and should you use condoms in fantasies?

Anyway, don't be too hard on yourself.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You have a good family. Your wife loves you and has sex with you. There is nothing better. Don't blow it because of morbid curiosity.

I had quite a lot of women before I met my wife, and I can tell you being in a secure, exclusive, relationship with a loving spouse is the best sexual experience I have ever had. 

Sex is like partner figure skating, the longer you practice with the same person, the better the two of you become. If you suddenly switch partners, you will not be as good and you could get hurt and you will hurt your marriage and children.

You have it better than most. Honor your wife and children. Don't destroy them with your lust.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I think your curiosity is entirely normal. Even people who weren't virgins before getting married sometimes wonder what it would be like to have sex with someone who is not their spouse. Even people in happy marriages. We're sexual beings, and curiosity is part of our make up, too. I'd be shocked if your wife wasn't having the same thoughts. So, if you're feeling guilty, then I would say you shouldn't. 

However, you are completely in control of your choices, and this 



shermanj said:


> I'll probably find that I prefer Coke-in fact, I hope that's what happens.


makes it sound like you've decided to go ahead and drink some Pepsi. 

Just remember that you can't un-drink it, okay? Now, go read some threads in the Coping with Infidelity forum. You sure you want to try some Pepsi?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> Just remember that you can't un-drink it, okay? Now, go read some threads in the Coping with Infidelity forum. You sure you want to try some Pepsi?


:iagree:


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

You are not an awful person. 

My husband and I have been together for 31 years and married for 23 and have only been with each other. I'm sure he's had thoughts of other women, I know I've had thoughts about other men. The important thing is that we've never acted on those thoughts. My husband has told me that he is very proud of the fact that we have this very special thing between us.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> You have a good family. Your wife loves you and has sex with you. There is nothing better. Don't blow it because of morbid curiosity.
> 
> I had quite a lot of women before I met my wife, and I can tell you being in a secure, exclusive, relationship with a loving spouse is the best sexual experience I have ever had.
> 
> ...


You have got to be one of the best husbands/fathers on TAM, Conan. You always steer everyone back to basic, wholesome, loving principles. That is true leadership.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I'm sure there are plenty of 1 partner men and women out there who are glad they've only had the one. Just as there are people out there with 50 partners who wish they could take back 49 of them.

Sex isn't all it's cracked up to be, ESPECIALLY the nsa type stuff. Real sex is had between two people who love each other, I'm telling you. You won't be able to find, in someone else, what your wife gives you. I promise you. Even if it's good, it's empty and meaningless, and you will just live the next 50 or 60 years with that hanging over your head.

You're not a horrible person for wondering, or even fantasizing. I bet your wife does it too. But ACTING on it is entirely different.

It. Is. Not. Worth. It. Period.


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

Been there. Done that. 

Before my husband and I were married, I often thought about what it would be like to experience a different sexual partner. Mr. Mystic was my first and only. It took many months of soul searching for me to decide that I was going to take a break from my SO and see if the grass on this side was the perfect grass for me. 

At the time of the break-up, my now-husband and I were in a BAD place. There was lots of fighting, horrible communication, familial stress, and I was flat out unhappy. So I sat him down and explained my concerns, my feelings, laid everything on the table. He was heart broken. Crushed. I felt like total ****e. But the damage was done, there was not going back. We decided to take a temporary separation and would re-evaluate after 6 months. Both I and DH were allowed to date and take sexual partners. No holds barred. 

I fooled around with two guys, only one lead to sex. And the whole experience was horrific. The man I slept with regretted the decision almost immediately and started harassing me, upset that I had "used him for sex. Like he was just meat." 

For me, the grass was NOT greener on the other side. It only took me two months before I decided that life with my now-husband was MUCH better. And that I was stupid for even questioning our relationship and acting on that curiosity. 

To this day, I still feel like I CHEATED on my husband, even though we were on a mutually agreed upon separation, with well defined rules. My husband swears he doesn't see it that way, but now I get to wonder if at some point in our marriage, this will come back to bite me in the bum. 

My recommendation? Don't do it! You like Coke. Enjoy your Coke. Don't worry about any other flavors. They may taste different, but in the end, they are all sodas.Why risk losing what you have for a fleeting moment of curiosity.


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

alexm said:


> You won't be able to find, in someone else, what your wife gives you. I promise you. Even if it's good, it's empty and meaningless, and you will just live the next 50 or 60 years with that hanging over your head.
> 
> It. Is. Not. Worth. It. Period.


:iagree: This pretty much sums up my post.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

The fantasy is much better than the reality. The odds of having a great awesome experience with someone you have never been with before are fairly low. 

Better to keep that in your head. (I mean the one on top of your shoulders)


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

I was in the same boat, but my wife was also thirsty. So we tried Pepsi together.

Actually, we tried Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Root Beer, and Sprite. Coke is definitely the best by far, but together, we do enjoy a good taste test. As long as it's not Mr. Pibb, I am okay. No drinks that have a Mr. flavor.

Just saying...


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Oops... 

As far as my advice. Never do anything without your partner. Not saying what I did is right, because it definitely isn't right by most people's standards, but I have never played alone. I would never do anything without my wife knowing. Trust me on this one, you don't just try Pepsi once, because if you go "that" far, you will never respect your marriage boundaries again. You don't just break the rule once and stop. And, if you love your wife like you say you do, Pepsi sucks. Period.

What separates us from cavemen or monkeys is the fact we control urges to go out and fertilize every female we see. That lust / desire is natural, but controlling it is what makes you a real man. 

Control it. It's that split second of control that makes you better than an absolute scumbag.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Once you start down that path you'll forever be changed. You would be known as a cheater and that's not where you want to be. Statistically you have the best chance of having an enduring marriage if you stay put. 

I can understand the desire for other women. Here is the truth I hope you listen to....... Their is no short supply of women to sleep with, even if it's just for an affair. It wouldn't be long to find what you're looking for. But then when you loose everything you'll one day want a good loving relationship like you have now. Those my friend are a very rare find. I'm pushing forty and never had one.


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## shermanj (Mar 6, 2014)

This is all good advice.

GettingIt noted that it sounds like I've already decided to stray. ... not the case, actually. Though my post did sound that way. If I had already decided, I wouldn't have posted here.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts. In the end, I don't think there's any way I could ever jeopardize what I have. When I'm old, fat, and smelly, my sexual curiosity as a young man will seem trivial. What will matter then is my wife and my family. I can't jeopardize that.

Thank you all for your thoughts. Now I've just got to figure out how to suppress my latent/instinctual inclination to fertilize. 'Tis a challenge.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

It would be untrue to say that couples never find successful ways to satisfy their curiosity outside of marriage by agreement. Swinging, wife swapping, open marriage, etc. all can and have been done. However, even pro open marriage websites warn that most marriages will destruct when they explore marriage without monogamy.

One thing that you should do is date your wife. You can have sex on vacation that will feel different. Maybe you need to get it on in a tent in a national park.

Do you ever talk dirty to each other?


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Yet again, this is another example of a negative effect of religion.

I cannot understand how certain religions would rather ban sex before marriage yet seem to be OK with people living in unhappy marriages etc.

I am a believer....but I will encourage my daughter to live with (and all that entails) with her BF before marrying him. Same goes for my son.
I would much rather that then they abstain then find their spouse is simply not interested in sex (like their mother) and end up divorced or feeling trapped.

That aside...the OP has said they have moved away from religion.

I can fully understand his desire to 'try' another woman. He's a male, its natural.
Should he do it?....well if he doesnt he will always wonder and the temptation will always be there.

The question is, if he does do it how does he limit the possible collateral damage?
He could do it and make sure his wife never finds out - if she does he will have to suffer the consequences
Or, as one poster has suggested he talks to his wife about it and maybe suggests they both 'try' someone else...a foursome.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

LongWalk said:


> One thing that you should do is date your wife. You can have sex on vacation that will feel different. Maybe you need to get it on in a tent in a national park.
> 
> Do you ever talk dirty to each other?


Some more suggestions (which DO sound cheesy or lame, but nonetheless...)

Try the "stranger" fantasy. See if she'll dress differently sometime. Maybe even buy a Halloween wig or something. Do her makeup differently. Basically see if she'll change her appearance for a one-time deal. Tell her you'll meet her in a dodgy bar somewhere, and pick her up, as though you two don't know each other. Dress, and act differently, yourself. Stay in character. Hell, even sit there for an hour or so, and see if other guys try to pick her up. You two might get a rush out of it. "Pick her up", rent a cheap motel room, and go to town. Do things you don't usually do to each other.

Then go home, separately, and act as though it never happened. You'll have your own little secrets.

But make sure she's okay with it all, first!

Like I said, it seems cheesy, but it might just be what you (or her) need.

Fantasy is often the best reality.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

askari said:


> Yet again, this is another example of a negative effect of religion.
> 
> I cannot understand how certain religions would rather ban sex before marriage yet seem to be OK with people living in unhappy marriages etc.
> 
> ...


I could be called religious. My sex life is good and my past partners only got in the way of me and my wife discovering how to be intimate with each other. 

You can use religion as an excuse, but sexual problems know no boundaries. Sleeping around backfires just as often as not and many virgin marriages actually succeed and thrive.
Encouraging your daughter to get boned until she finds a good fit can easily backfire. She could easily miss out on worthwhile men who don't think it's cool that she tried guys on for size.

She could easily get pregnant or an STD.

Mr Wonderful might not think a woman who sleeps with losers and then gets to be a single mom is a great choice for a mate.

Happened to me. A girl I cared a lot for in high school decided to try another Guy out. I wouldn't have sex at the time. I tried to talk her out of it but she had made up her mind.

It broke my heart and for the next two years I ignored her and lived like hell, racking up a large number of sex partners.

She had extreme remorse and tried some pretty desperate maneuvers to get me back. I couldn't bring myself to give my life to a woman that wanted to try out penis and if she didn't like it, she thought she could still have me.

I turned down many other young women who thought playing the field was a good way to find a good man.

To this day, my old flame regrets her decision. My wife, however, likes her decision just fine. Mrs Conan benefitted well from it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

The grass is rarely greener on the other side. A field can look beautiful from a distance, but when your up close to it, you often see A LOT of weeds !


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We have occasionally encountered couples with this curiosity in the swinger community. One or both had little or no other past sexual experience, and wanted to have some. Their relationship was strong, so they mutually agreed to pursue new experiences together. An open relationship wouldn't work for them because it's not something they'd be doing together.

Some dropped out after satisfying their curiosity, and some have remained in the swinger community. A few we met and discouraged from even trying as it didn't seem like a good fit for them.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

shermanj said:


> This is all good advice.
> 
> GettingIt noted that it sounds like I've already decided to stray. ... not the case, actually. Though my post did sound that way. If I had already decided, I wouldn't have posted here.
> 
> ...


I'm glad to hear you've decided not to go down that road. As to the other advice about opening up your marriage with your wife's consent/participation I would say that you might like the taste of the other drinks you try, but the original Coke will never taste the same again. Will it taste better? Will it taste worse? Who knows, but you can kiss the flavor it has NOW goodbye forever. 

And THAT is what brings my husband and I to a full stop when we feel tempted to bring some of our fantasies to life. What we have is soooooo good now, we fought for it soooooo hard . . . to not EVER have access to THIS EXACT feeling again is unacceptable to us both. 

I agree that there is much to be said for including fantasy in your sex life. There are a million ways to spice things up with your wife. Have you talked to her about how she feels about you being her one and only forever? I don't mean to say that you should tell her you are struggling to remain faithful and ask her if she is, too; but if you have a good marriage with good communication, there is a way to address the reality of your (and her) natural curiosity and urges head on, eyes open, with all integrity intact.


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## kokonatsu (Feb 22, 2013)

I never had sex before I met my husband, he is my first and my only sexual partner, as I am his. That fact only enhances the bond we have between us. Sex is so much more than "getting off"; it's not just a physical act. It is an intimate connection between my husband and I, and I wouldn't want to ruin that for anything. I'm so glad I have saved myself for him, and glad that he has done the same for me.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

My wife has been my only sex partner also. I got her pregnant when she was 16 and we got married. We will celebrate 42 years this year. Have I ever wondered? Sure. However, I always go back to how much I love her. It also helps that we have an adventurous sex life and have a lot of fun with it. It also helps that she is really HOT looking and great in bed. I guess I just can't imagine anyone better.

By the way, coming out of a fundamentalist Christian church ourselves, that church did very little to help us with our sex life. We are now in a church that thinks we should celebrate sex in marriage. After 42 years we are still learning, still reading books on sex and relationships and still trying new things. I want to be the BEST lover she could ever have!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You're not a horrible person at all. You can't help what you think, but you CAN help whether or not you act on those thoughts.

So glad you've decided not to...the grass is greener on the other side because it's fertilised with bs 

Can you suggest a "play session" with your wife? Tell her you have this fantasy of the the two of you pretending to be strangers and ask if she would act it out with you...that's hot. Go all out...dress up...the whole shebang!

There's nothing hotter than loving, adventurous married sex


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I also have only been with my Dh. He was my first but I was not his first. We have been married now for almost 22 years, hence my user name, over 20. Because I have never slept with any other man I can only identify sex with DH and I love it that way...to be totally honest my Dh has told me that he worries that because I have only slept with him, he is nervous that I would be curious of other men.....I admit I am a little curious, but then realize my Dh loves ALL of me,the good, bad and ugly.A new man would only want my body, compared to my Dh who loves my heart,mind and body.....I am so lucky!

It's only natural to be curious about other's and that is ok.......appreciate what you have and grow with your spouse!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

kokonatsu said:


> I never had sex before I met my husband, he is my first and my only sexual partner, as I am his. That fact only enhances the bond we have between us. Sex is so much more than "getting off"; it's not just a physical act. It is an intimate connection between my husband and I, and I wouldn't want to ruin that for anything. I'm so glad I have saved myself for him, and glad that he has done the same for me.


:iagree:

I was a virgin when I met my wife, she was not a virgin. There is something very exclusive about sex for me, because she is the only person who knows that part of me. It would be very different _for me_ to change sex into something I do with various women.

Yes, I have wondered many many times in the last 35 years since I met her what it would be like to have sex with another woman. I have also wondered what my wife might know that I don't, because she has had sex with several different people. Yeah that is a bit weird but there is definitely a bit of something there for me that is uncomfortable. As if maybe I am missing out on some universal knowledge that almost every other human knows, but I don't.

For the OP, if he were to drink some Pepsi he would forever change how sex is for him, and I think it would spoil sex within the marriage for him.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

shermanj said:


> In general, I would say we've had a pretty healthy sex-life throughout our marriage--and it continues that way. It was awkward and clumsy at first, and sometimes I couldn't even make it to intercourse before ejaculating, but we've made a lot of progress over time, and we both enjoy sex. * We have 2 young children now, so the frequency and timing is not what we would always prefer, but that's just part of what you sign up for when you have kids, right?*


 Can I ask this... sounds you have been satisfied with your sex life after getting over the early PE....then throwing 2 kids in the mix... things slowed down...*your frustration has risen...hence...more fantasies*.... and you've allowed them to snow ball in your head....

*A few questions..*. 

*1*. How is the Emotional connection between the 2 of you?

*2. *Are there things you DESIRE, or lust for in the marriage that your wife is NOT doing... why you say a steady diet of COKE..but you want to sip some Pepsi ? Have you opened up this conversation with her?

*3.* Is there any resentment on your part...or hers ?



> Getting to the point. I love my wife and I am dedicated to our family, but having never had any sort of sexual contact with anyone at all, ever, in my life, previous to my wife, *I frequently think about being with another woman.* * I'm not interested in a relationship with another woman, just another sexual experience.* I feel like I've been drinking coke for 8 years, and I'm just curious to try a pepsi. Just to try it. I'll probably find that I prefer Coke-in fact, I hope that's what happens.


 You have regrets you didn't sow some wild oats... we see many posts like this here.... and it gives people the impression that sleeping with a variety of partners before we marry is the ideal... many feel one is foolish if they do not....they are warned they will regret it down the road....though...this can happen to those who had various partners too. I really feel it's a matter of what's most important to us... how we look upon the sexual act ...and how fulfilled , emotionally & physically, we are AT HOME... 

There was a thread here days ago with a much dire story in comparison.....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...ed-quick-divorce-instead-strong-marriage.html



shermanj said:


> *There's no way I can tell my wife about this, so that's why I'm posting here. I'm sure some of you will tell me I'm an awful person, but, I'm really not, I promise. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just don't know how to stop thinking about what it would be like to be with another partner in bed. Hmmmm....
> 
> Thoughts?*


 I don't think you are an awful person, it is GOOD you took the time to post on an open forum to sort out these feelings you are struggling with.. 

I am coming from a marriage where my husband was the same as yourself.... I was his ONLY.. He may have kissed 2 other girls in his early teens, but he can't even remember....We met in 10th & 11th grade....that was 32 yrs ago now.... For us both, there is something so very special that we've only been with each other..that no other has graced our private parts....in the deepest way a person can KNOW another person...

I, too, was raised with "Purity teachings" ...even read a book on the value of waiting ... taking religion/ God/ Jesus/ scripture completely out of it...I still resonated with some of the points..but I believe this has more to do with being Romantically minded...I wanted the "soul mate" experience......knowing had I given myself to a man who left me & wanted to be with another... I would have regretted this very badly... and felt I cheated the man who was the most worthy... I've always had the mindset that sex is reserved for someone you deeply love and want to spend the rest of your life with.....to me there is nothing sweeter to be found on this earth.

Would you say your wife feels THIS WAY? If so...your wanting to taste of another would hurt her very much..though admitting some curiosity is just NOT the same thing...as DOING...as jumping the fence... 



shermanj said:


> *Thank you all for your thoughts. Now I've just got to figure out how to suppress my latent/instinctual inclination to fertilize. 'Tis a challenge.*


 Suppression is not healthy...nor the answer....this will rear it's ugly head...again....and possibly again... Suppression Is Not Cure or Solution ..(This is talking about food but it mentions sexual desires as well)...

Working through this.. in some creative ways WITH your wife to satisfy YOU on a deeper level....this can help you get over this hump... recognizing what you have right there beside you...like coming into the sun...how you & she can go many places and experience many flavors together.. 

But yeah...it's as normal as sin to have some curiosity..don't down yourself for this. 

It wasn't until we had all of our children & mid life was upon me that I entertained some wilder fantasies....my sex drive went through the roof & H couldn't keep up ...I wanted him to bang me 3 times a day...turn me upside down, spank me, throw me down on the bed, I bought a variety of sex books to trip his triggers JUST so I could get more sex... we got creative TOGETHER....me taking that lead....(erotic massage, bought some sex furniture, I went on a lingerie kick, rented porn, bought a couple sex games, tried new positions, outdoor sex, romantic vacations, still never got into toys...someday!)......there is so much to explore with your lover, the excitement is right in the palm of your hands... just shake it up a bit....Get creative...

I've entertained the idea -what if I crossed that fence..how might I FEEL for the gratification to experience what I never have....this is how I personally describe it...

I feel it would be like standing over a towering cliff , looking over...ready to plunge to the depths for the thrill of the fall....knowing if I jumped (was with another man)...my life, OUR lives, would never be the same as it was. That something so precious / priceless would forever be lost between us, something irrevocable, that we could never get back. 

How could I trample on that, it would be like ripping a piece of my own







out & what I have held near sacred for 30 + yrs with this man, I could never look myself in the mirror again, or live it down to hurt him like that. 

So I see curiosity...it is normal but yet in reality... it is so far less on those scales given how deeply I feel about what we share...and always have.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

You're not missing anything. You think you are, but trust me you're not. I've been with 15ish women in my life and honestly you could take all experiences with 14 of those away and I wouldn't care. I don't look back fondly at the memories. Hell I don't even remember many details from most of them. The only one I care to keep is the woman I'm with now.

Now IF you're dissatisfied with your sexlife for other reasons, you need to talk to your wife about what ever it is you feel is missing. But don't feel like a different woman would be a mind blowing, life changing experience. It wouldn't be. Not in any kind of good way atleast.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

askari said:


> I can fully understand his desire to 'try' another woman. He's a male, its natural.
> *Should he do it?....well if he doesnt he will always wonder and the temptation will always be there.*
> 
> The question is, if he does do it how does he limit the possible collateral damage?
> ...


Is the point here that unless OP has sex with another woman he will live a tormented life consumed by curiosity and beset by temptation, and that therefore he should? And that once he does this the temptation and curiosity will go away for good? Neither of these premises hold water: many people (some posting in this thread) are happily monogamous for their entire sexual lives and are able to deal with the natural curiosity; conversely, many people, having once tested the waters of infidelity, keep on cheating serially. Mutually agreed-upon extramarital sex in the form of open marriage etc. is a possible way to go, but as Married but Happy says is not for everyone.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

There are some games you could try playing. Drop her off at a nice bar and let her go in first. You follow a few minutes later but don't go to her. Instead you treat her as a stranger and pick her up. You could do this with another couple and have both wives go in together, and you go in with the other husband. Then you proceed to send drinks to them, ask them to dance, flirt like strangers, and then eventually take them home. Or take her to your car and do it in the back seat.

You could do this at a nice old hotel and secretly rent a room that she doesn't know about. Then invite her up to your room.

The list of ideas is endless if you just brainstorm a bit. Take dance lessons with her. You'll both dance with other partners but you'll go home with her. Go to a costume party at a fun country music bar on Halloween. Wear masks.

Buy one of those Bucket List books or sex fantasy books. Write down things you'd each like to try, and then once in a while pull one of the papers out of the bucket and try what it says.

If there's something you imagine you might have done with other women, do it with your wife. On a beach? In the car? Spanking? Really messy? Food?

Basically I'm suggesting you find ways to get out of your current established roles and identities. If all you're doing is missionary twice per month, of course you'll fantasize about all kinds of things. So live out your fantasies with your wife.


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## netcruiser72 (Mar 4, 2014)

Hello Shermanj,

I know this might be a bit long but you might want to read it. 
I was not a virgin when I got married. I had several experiences with other woman. However, my wife was a virgin. She had never had intercourse with another man other than me. She was 22 when we married. She is now 37 and I'm 41. We have 2 kids. 

I understand your "religious beliefs" situation. My wife was raised understanding that a woman was never to engage in sex acts until married, etc. She followed the rule and it kind of carried over to our marriage a little bit, hindering our sex lives to a certain point because, first of all, she was inexperienced and second, she felt it was still kind of awkward and so she would "hold back" a bit when it came to love making. I did feel very strongly, however, that deep inside there was this sex crazed, sex craved porn star that was urging to come out. 

So time passed, I did not want to really pressure her into being more "feaky" if you will, so I tried to just keep it "normal". We had two kids, work, etc., and we fell into a "sexual" dry spell. Things were not going very well. I was extremely frustrated. So anyways, one day I had a dream about coming home from work, I posted this on another thread by the way, I came home early from work. Again, this is a dream. I open the door and I can hear squeaking sounds and moaning. As I go up to the second floor of the house the sounds get louder!!! I see the bedroom door slightly open and I can see my wife taking a major pounding by our neighbor!!! I watch my wife on top riding the guy like there was no tomorrow. What I felt was indescribable, a roller coaster of feelings and emotions. One of those emotions was a major turn on!!!!!!!! Now, don't judge me for this. I cannot explain it either. How in the heck can I feel turned on by seeing the wife taking another guys big organ and devouring it intensely? I don't know. I just know it gave me a massive boner! LOL.... It is no secret that men are "visual" creatures. We Are!, which is why many men enjoy watching porn. We get turned on!...So in my dream I ended up with one of the most intense orgasms I had ever felt just watching her get taken and sexually destroyed. Her loud and aggressive moans indicated this is what she had been desiring for sooooo long! The desire to be with more men! 

I know some of you here might judge me for this, maybe some of you married woman might look at me as being perverted, but I am not and that is not what we are here for. We all go through different trials in our marriage. Some good, some bad, some things we cannot explain or understand. I believe we simply go through stages and phases as we grow older both in life and marriage. It's a thing called "LIFE". We sometimes become bored after years of marriage that we begin to look for ways to bring excitement once again! I also believe that a number of woman, many of whom I have spoken to by the way, have this very sexual and freaky side to them just lingering inside. But they hold it in due to fear of being labeled a *****, ****, etc. Many wives are also afraid of what the husband might think if they acted out their true sexual feelings. This is where I believe “communication” and “trust” kicks in. Sometimes husbands are the ones who need to take the “bull by the horns” and work on opening those lines of communication to reassure the wife that it is alright to be a “freak in the sheets”. That is what most of us men want anyway, “A lady in the streets, but a freak in the sheets.”

So, moving along, I had a very hard time coping with this dream at first. I felt it was VERY wrong but it felt SO good just fantasizing about it. It brought me some of the most intense orgasms EVER as I imagined several scenarios. After about almost 3 sexless months, I could not take it anymore. I wanted to go for broke and confess this dream and feelings to my wife without caring of the consequences. One day at the beach we are sitting there just relaxing and I catch her looking at this well defined guy. PREFECT TIMING! I asked her, "you like what you see?" She had this look as if I was going to get upset at her or something. I said, "hun it's okay. I know you like it". She just laughed. That is when I said, “I need to confess something to you and I don't know how you are going to take it". That was it!!!!! It was the nail on the head, exactly what I needed to do and say to just make her eyes pop open and unleash that ****ty little tramp that had been hiding inside for so long.

My wife and I have a VERY open communication and trust since then. I made her understand exactly what I wanted in our sex lives and that it was all ok with me. I told her straight out, I said, “ I want you to fully trust me with all your sexual desires. I want you to put away that “boring, conservative” person and be a total **** for me in bed. You can act like a lady outside the bedroom, and I expect that. But in the bedroom I want my own porn star!”. We are very mature when it comes to sex issues now, no jealousy, arguments about this nature etc. I came to find out through our "confession" session how she fantasizes about being with other men. What she would like to do with them. She confessed about the desire to be with two men and them having their way with her etc., She confessed to me about this coworker of hers whom she finds “interesting”. She fantasizes about going into his office getting on her knees and sucking him dry. He’s black and she’s always had a thing for black men, which I did not know before. She imagined him being very well endowed and having his manhood all over her mouth, she says. MIND BLOWING STUFF. I confessed to her about one of her female coworkers, which I had met a few months prior, I told my wife how I thought her friend had a magnificent big ass and I imagined her eating out my wife while I took her friend from behind. She came on the spot as I whispered this to her as I held her closely and rubbed her semi-aggressively. All this works for us and our lovemaking is INCREDIBLE, orgasms EXPLOSIVE!!! We both love this new found sex life and enjoy it greatly. One day I asked her if she wanted to look into some sex toys. We looked at them together....wow... As soon as she saw some of the large dildos her eyes almost popped out. She told me she would love to try one. I am 7 and a halfish. We bought a stap-on that I use on her that is about 9 ½ and thick. I could not wait for it to arrive. When it did we used it that very same night. Watching her take it in for the first time was incredibly intense for me, (the visual) as it was for her, being that it was much bigger than me. Before I knew it I had the full 9 ½ inches inside and was pounding her just like the neighbor did in my dream! My wife’s reaction was priceless and she loved it! We also have one with a suction cup and we role play pretending she’s being taken by two men at once.

We all experience similar feelings or desires. Getting them out into the open with the spouse is difficult. The marriage must be strong to a certain extent. I would say to go slow and test the waters to see what kind of reaction the spouse gets, for those of you trying to spice things up. Keeping things in the fantasy realm is recommended. It can be very fun. Doing the real thing comes with many consequences. Unless there is a very strong attachment I would not recommend it. I also would NEVER recommend having an affair either. Unless you could care less about your marriage! Anyway, I have an amazing and very sexual Latina on my hands. Could not be happier!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

netcruiser72 said:


> We had two kids, work, etc., and we fell into a "sexual" dry spell. Things were not going very well. I was extremely frustrated. So anyways, one day I had a dream about coming home from work, I posted this on another thread by the way, I came home early from work. Again, this is a dream. I open the door and I can hear squeaking sounds and moaning. As I go up to the second floor of the house the sounds get louder!!! I see the bedroom door slightly open and I can see my wife taking a major pounding by our neighbor!!! I watch my wife on top riding the guy like there was no tomorrow. What I felt was indescribable, a roller coaster of feelings and emotions. One of those emotions was a major turn on!!!!!!!! Now, don't judge me for this. I cannot explain it either. How in the heck can I feel turned on by seeing the wife taking another guys big organ and devouring it intensely? I don't know. I just know it gave me a massive boner! LOL.... It is no secret that men are "visual" creatures. We Are!, which is why many men enjoy watching porn. We get turned on!...So in my dream I ended up with one of the most intense orgasms I had ever felt just watching her get taken and sexually destroyed. Her loud and aggressive moans indicated this is what she had been desiring for sooooo long! The desire to be with more men!


Many men have fantasies like this.. I bought this book for curiosity to understand men...eye opening..... 


> Men in Love: Nancy Friday: Books
> 
> An extraordinary, explicitly masculine journey, Men In Love develops a startlingly honest portrayal of what it means to be a man in contemporary America. *Here are the unexpurgated dreams, fantasies and fetishes that excite and obsess men today*. In creating this historic study, Nancy Friday listened -- without disapproval, apology or censorship -- to the candid responses of thousands of men aged fourteen through sixty.
> 
> She gave them a legitimate arena where they could share their "secret gardens" -- the hidden and forbidden but nonetheless real and true. Much more than a litany of erotica, this unique volume doesn't tell us how men should love. It tells us how men do love -- a stunning insight into the desires that dwell within men's psyches... and their hearts.





netcruiser72 said:


> I know some of you here might judge me for this, maybe some of you married woman might look at me as being perverted, but I am not and that is not what we are here for. We all go through different trials in our marriage. Some good, some bad, some things we cannot explain or understand.* I believe we simply go through stages and phases as we grow older both in life and marriage. It's a thing called "LIFE". We sometimes become bored after years of marriage that we begin to look for ways to bring excitement once again! I also believe that a number of woman, many of whom I have spoken to by the way, have this very sexual and freaky side to them just lingering inside. But they hold it in due to fear of being labeled a *****, ****, etc. Many wives are also afraid of what the husband might think if they acted out their true sexual feelings. This is where I believe “communication” and “trust” kicks in.* Sometimes husbands are the ones who need to take the “bull by the horns” and work on opening those lines of communication to reassure the wife that it is alright to be a “freak in the sheets”. That is what most of us men want anyway, “A lady in the streets, but a freak in the sheets.”


 If Shermanj ever comes back here, I would suggest to print this out for his wife...it might give her some inspiration...compliments from ThreeTimesALady... she is a poster here at TAM... I found this write up on another sex forum before I came here, it was like what *I needed* to break out of my own "good girl" shell (finally!)....I realized suddenly what I've been missing...what he's been missing...this spoke to me so deeply, I printed it out like 3 times & stuck it in one of my books...(then I found HER here at TAM not long after, kinda crazy)..










> *Sex is* desiring him every time you look at him. Needing him to fill that wonderful yearning deep inside you that needs filling & to die for.
> *Sex is* having breasts that ached to be touched & loved & you can not live without it.
> *Sex is* waking him up in the middle of the night as you need him & want him & then you find that he wants you just as much & you make love for an hour & get up & have coffee & wonder where the years have gone.
> *Sex is* finding the thrill after years of a man that can still make you scream & turn you to mush.
> ...





> *Originally Posted by netcruiser72*
> So, moving along, I had a very hard time coping with this dream at first. I felt it was VERY wrong but it felt SO good just fantasizing about it. It brought me some of the most intense orgasms EVER as I imagined several scenarios. *After about almost 3 sexless months*, I could not take it anymore. I wanted to go for broke and confess this dream and feelings to my wife without caring of the consequences. One day at the beach we are sitting there just relaxing and I catch her looking at this well defined guy. PREFECT TIMING! I asked her, "you like what you see?" She had this look as if I was going to get upset at her or something. I said, "hun it's okay. I know you like it". She just laughed. That is when I said, “I need to confess something to you and I don't know how you are going to take it". That was it!!!!! It was the nail on the head, exactly what I needed to do and say to just make her eyes pop open and unleash that ****ty little tramp that had been hiding inside for so long.


 somehow I doubt most men who have been sexless for 3 months straight is going to be met with a scenario LIKE THIS!!...but it does start with communication... 



> My wife and I have a VERY open communication and trust since then. I made her understand exactly what I wanted in our sex lives and that it was all ok with me. I told her straight out, I said, “ I want you to fully trust me with all your sexual desires. I want you to put away that “boring, conservative” person and be a total **** for me in bed. You can act like a lady outside the bedroom, and I expect that. But in the bedroom I want my own porn star!”. We are very mature when it comes to sex issues now, no jealousy, arguments about this nature etc. I came to find out through our "confession" session how she fantasizes about being with other men. What she would like to do with them. She confessed about the desire to be with two men and them having their way with her etc.


 Not sure many get to THIS place though...

In this book which me & H was reading days ago.. She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman: ...it talks about Fantasies...it says there are those we share OUTLOUD and those we keep to ourselves...according to a study 85% of men and women have sexual fantasies during intercourse some of the time.....it goes on to say..


> "people who fantasize during sex feel a greater level of sexual satisfaction and have fewer sexual problems in their relationship...even if the person about whom they fantasize is DIFFERENT from the person they have a relationship with." (page 88-89)


Then it talks about "*Fantasy vs Reality"* right after..it speaks of the unforeseen consequences..it says


> "the sex we have in our lives..familiar, repetitious- is usually very different from the SEX we have in our fantasies -exaggerated, taboo - and perhaps that's the point. Think twice before taking fantasies out of the bedroom and know that a rich inner life contributes to a healthy, happy outer one. As one interviewee commented, "Even if I wanted to live out my fantasies, it's impossible . I'd need a time machine and a spaceship".


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