# Question for husbands



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

My husband of not quite 11 months just told me a week ago that he is divorcing me. He is done, there is no working it out. We have been struggling for months and he always blustered about this isnt going to work, he isnt marriage material...etc. So, on to my question.

His biggest issue with me (besides that his kids dont like me, which is another discussion) is that I have security issues. Yes, I do...he came into our relationship knowing that I was carrying this baggage from my previous relationship. He said that he understood and that he would always be upfront about things, gave me passwords for his Facebook and emails, and said I was free to check his phone at any time, and that he would rather me talk to him about anything that made me feel insecure instead of letting it build. So I thought all was good. I was so happy that I found someone willing to be open and honest with me. We had a crazy-fast relationship, reunited June of last year(childhood sweethearts) and married at the end of last Sept. 

My problem has been that over time he has developed an inappropriately personal relationship with his ex wife. They were married for 19 years and had JUST divorced when he and I started seeing each other. Started out hating each other, then got to where they could be civil, then ended up like best friends. Constant phone calls at work, emails, texts, all about her and her problems and whatnot. I begged and pleaded with him to set some boundaries with her, because he was communicating with her and shutting me out. We spent time together but he just would not open up and communicate with me, said that I got upset about everything too easy. We could be sitting here in silence with each other, then she would call and get a half hour long conversation. Or long involved texts.

I started looking in his phone to find how often they talked and emails to see just what was going on. He always deleted texts. (from everyone, not just her) So email was the only thing I could get to. I didnt look but a few times. I didnt find much, I did find an email he sent me about him not being marriage material and not sure about us working out that he copied her in on. I found another where he told her that he didnt give a **** what anyone thought, that he would help her out no matter what. Then the day after his divorce announcement I found that he also copied her in on his initial email to his lawyer about discussing a divorce. Yeah I looked one last time, what did I have to lose at that point?? he literally flipped a switch on me, we had been getting closer after almost doing this a few weeks ago, had an awesome weekend together, then that Monday, he totally checked out on me. I had no clue what happened. 

My question...was I really out of line? Is what I did really divorce worthy? Also, was I wrong that his relationship with her was inappropriate? He says that he feels like I am always looking over his shoulder, that I dont trust him, that who he is texting is none of my business. He says that I violate his privacy. He is secretive about a lot of things that he does, I am unaware of most of his daily life. All it took was me getting upset a few times and he decided I was just like his ex wife and I guess he never got past that. 

Sorry this is so long!


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

At risk of sounding obvious... I'd think you were the rebound relationship.. And wouldn't be surprised if the divorce announcement is a sign that he's planning on running back to her...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So you think he would have done this anyway, regardless of anything I did or did not do? I am just so baffled at how little value he put on the marriage and that he is just...ending it, like that. I really need to know if I truly effed it all up.


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## Izzie (Aug 17, 2012)

I'm not a husband but to me it's obvious by how fast you all connected that your husband just wanted out of his marriage and you were a rebound. Also, he is using your snooping as an excuse to get out because the marriage is not what he expected. Sometimes the grass is not always greener on the other side. It sounds as though he and ex-wifey have reconnected and that is why he is blowing up at you. He knew you had trust issues, so if he loved you he would cut off the frivolous contact with her to make you feel comfortable and secure. He is using your trust issues as an excuse to get out. No one is perfect. It's just easier for him to say, 'You did this!' than to say 'Look, I made a huge mistake here. I'm not happy and I want out.'

You are not at fault here. If he wants a divorce so soon into the marriage, I would cut my losses and file for an annulment. Luckily you found out sooner than later and you all did not have children together.


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

3Xacharm said:


> So you think he would have done this anyway, regardless of anything I did or did not do? I am just so baffled at how little value he put on the marriage and that he is just...ending it, like that. I really need to know if I truly effed it all up.


No, there was nothing you did... As izzie said... He just found a loop hole... Without it, he might have just went underground...

He might not have put little value in your marriage, but history with his ex caught up to him... They reconnected... You just have to decide to fight or let it go, but if indeed he rebounded you have a very difficult fight on your hands...


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

3Xacharm said:


> I didnt find much, I did find an email he sent me about him not being marriage material and not sure about us working out that he copied her in on. I found another where he told her that he didnt give a **** what anyone thought, that he would help her out no matter what. Then the day after his divorce announcement I found that he also copied her in on his initial email to his lawyer about discussing a divorce. !


Didn't find much? He copies her in on emails to you and his lawyer about you? Stick a fork in this marriage and be happy it was only 11 months.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Thank you everyone for your comments. I wanted this to work out so badly.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

You were honest and up front about your fears and need to feel safe...I feel empathy for you, you trusted him....

On the other hand, I think he was confused and did not understand his own emotions. Bottom line is, he was mad at his EX , but has never stopped loving her.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Izzie said:


> I'm not a husband but to me it's obvious by how fast you all connected that your husband just wanted out of his marriage and you were a rebound. Also, he is using your snooping as an excuse to get out because the marriage is not what he expected. Sometimes the grass is not always greener on the other side. It sounds as though he and ex-wifey have reconnected and that is why he is blowing up at you. He knew you had trust issues, so if he loved you he would cut off the frivolous contact with her to make you feel comfortable and secure. He is using your trust issues as an excuse to get out. No one is perfect. It's just easier for him to say, 'You did this!' than to say 'Look, I made a huge mistake here. I'm not happy and I want out.'
> 
> You are not at fault here. If he wants a divorce so soon into the marriage, I would cut my losses and file for an annulment. Luckily you found out sooner than later and you all did not have children together.


^ this

you deserve better so go get someone better. best of luck


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

> I did find an email he sent me about him not being marriage material and not sure about us working out that he copied her in on. I found another where he told her that he didnt give a **** what anyone thought, that he would help her out no matter what.


This is not acceptable at all.

You need to get out of this relationship as he`s still clinging to his ex.
You`re #2 maybe #3 and she`s still #1.

Divorce him.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This is a really messed up rebound situation

I hope you cut your losses now before it gets even worse


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## Gorky75 (Aug 22, 2012)

WadeWilson said:


> At risk of sounding obvious... I'd think you were the rebound relationship.. And wouldn't be surprised if the divorce announcement is a sign that he's planning on running back to her...


I do not think it is what you did. If it was, he would have worked on it and explained how it was making him feel. He just found a reason to bolt.

Having said so, FB passwords, email passwords, cell phone etc. is really cancerous for a relationship. Shows a lack of trust. I think you should spend some time on your own trying to heal from whatever has caused you to be so insecure. It it will be hard to have a good long term relationship with all that going on.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

yes be happy you don't have too much time invested in this a$$hole.


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## mina (Jun 14, 2012)

run, run, run away. 

think to yourself: he never deserved me. 

sorry you were the rebound. that never works out. well, rarely.


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## DrunkenH (Jul 29, 2012)

Time to move on.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He's still in love with her. You were the rebound. How long were you guys together before marrying?

If he wants out, let him go.


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