# Is he or isn't he remorseful?



## jaded0731 (Mar 23, 2013)

This is my first post, although I have been reading on here for about a month.

My d-day was about 3 1/2 months ago - right before Christmas. I learned that my husband of 9 years had been having a 2 year internet and phone EA/PA (trust me, it was VERY sexual) with someone that he knew in High School (they reconnected at their reunion). I found out because he had sent her a christmas present via Amazon (which I had access to his account), and I also looked at his yahoo messenger and found dozens of very sexual and emotional conversations with this same woman.

I had just had our 3rd child 6 months prior, so the affair had been going on before, during and after the pregnancy. Upon discovery, I also went onto his facebook and found conversations with about a half dozen other women (some were ex-girlfriends) which were highly inappropriate - things like "I had a sex dream about you", "I wish I had lost my virginity to you", etc.

When I confronted him, he told me how sorry he was and how it will never happen again. I asked him to leave for a few days anyway so that I could think. He absolutely did not want to leave, but I stood my ground. 

When he came back, he started out by saying that it was completely his fault, however, he did not ever want to talk about it, did not want to go to counseling, just wanted to move forward. He still was absolutely in love with me, and she meant nothing to him. He then began to say the usual stuff about how he wasn't happy with our sex life, I didn't wear enough lingerie, sex wasn't exciting enough, etc (never mind that I was pregnant and just had a baby). When I told him that counseling wasn't an option, he finally agreed to go. 

Over the course of the next few weeks, I discovered that he had changed his facebook password, and had defriended me (but kept all of the ex-girlfriends - WHAT??) His response when confronted "I dont need you snooping around". When I demanded the password, he obliged. I also made a list of people I would like him to defriend - you would have thought I was asking him to cut off his right arm by his response. After a few days, he finally did it.

I can name several other things in which he basically did not show true remorse. After about a month of this behavior I sat him down and basically told him that if he did not change his attitude and come to the bottom of himself that I was gone. 

So, he did change his tune - became much more loving, tried to ask me every night if I needed to talk (although when I am having a bad day, he seems very uncomfortable and just sits there, saying nothing). I think in his mind, he thinks he is doing a good job, though

Also, he still does not think he needs counseling - he just says that he made a 2 year mistake and that the counselor and me are trying to make more of it then there really is. He said he has learned his lesson and that it will never happen again. This concerns me as well. In my opinion, a mistake would be a one -night stand which is confessed.

I know you guys are going to give me a lot of tough love - this is so very hard. I have 3 small children and he is a good father to them. He tells me that he absolutely does not want a divorce. Would you hang in there, or is he a lost cause??

Sorry this is so long - thanks for reading.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

He isn't remorseful.

Why?

He is reluctant to adhere to you requests/ conditions for transparency to bring back trust.

Be vigilant.

He is a cakeeater.

Read the newbies link.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

I am sorry that you are in this situation. Unfortunately, your husband doesn't sound remorseful. If he is defensive, and he refuses transparency he isn't leaving you much choice. To save your marriage you must be willing to end it. 

You said he called it "a two year mistake", what an insult. He continued to make horrible decisions for two years. Every message he sent, every contact with another woman was another choice he made to disregard his wedding vows to you. He is trying to rugsweep, you can't allow this if you want to save your marriage. 

Have you read "Surviving Infidelity"? Also, be sure to read the newbie links. He needs to do the hard work to repair the damage he did, if he isn't willing then you need to be strong and stand up for yourself.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

This guy will not react to anything but consequences. 

Of course he doesn't want divorce. It's marriage plus cake for him, thanks! 

It's terrible that he has put you in this position, but it's 100% transparency, counseling, demonstration of complete turn-around or else it is divorce. Read up on the 180 because it sounds like you are about to need entering it.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

jaded0731 said:


> I learned that my husband of 9 years had been having a 2 year internet and phone EA/PA (trust me, it was VERY sexual) with someone that he knew in High School (they reconnected at their reunion). I found out because he had sent her a christmas present via Amazon (which I had access to his account), and I also looked at his yahoo messenger and found dozens of very sexual and emotional conversations with this same woman........
> 
> I had just had our 3rd child 6 months prior, so the affair had been going on before, during and after the pregnancy. Upon discovery, I also went onto his facebook and found conversations with about a half dozen other women (some were ex-girlfriends) which were highly inappropriate - things like "I had a sex dream about you", "I wish I had lost my virginity to you", etc............
> 
> ...


Remorse - nil

Hammer required - a big fat one.

Future ? bleak .....unless you wake him up from his stupifyingly abysmal attitude to you that shows nil respect
and real love for you.

You know what to do


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

He is NOT remoreseful and he hasn't stopped his EAs. 
He won't talk about it because it is still happening
He's more loving, BULL****. He's really being more deceitful, hiding true feelings about you, and true feelings about other.
If he honestly loved you the way you deserve to be loved, would he hide all his activities from you.
Make it stop anyway you can. 
I am so sorry you are here


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

You say he's a good father to your children. But, honestly, the first job of a good parent is to be a good example. Do you want your daughters to grow up thinking this is the behavior they should expect and tolerate from their husbands? Do you want your sons to grow up thinking this is what kind of men they should be for their wives? How good a father is he really being if he's spending his time cheating on you, lying, justifying bad behavior, and basically putting his family in grave jeopardy for some strange?

And, no, he's not remorseful.

Right now, you are the mean mommy to his rebellious teen. He's "being good" to get you off his back and hoping to bide his time until you "get over it" so he can go back to the life he enjoyed. The one that was filled with cake - you at home and other women on the side. Look for the affair behaviors to either resume if they've stopped or to go further underground if they're still ongoing. Do not stop being vigilant in keeping tabs on him. You need key loggers on the computers, phone spyware on his cell, and a VAR in his car. 

Also, be prepared to learn about other affairs or episodes of inappropriate behavior as he trickle truths you.


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## foolme2x (Jan 1, 2013)

In no way is he remorseful. To try to brush this off on you like you're some kind of crazy woman making too big of a deal of this? Puke. 

There have been many times that I regretted not having enough courage to divorce after my husband's first affair, when my kids were very little, too little to remember an intact family.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

WH speaking:

IMO, he needs IC to face his own demons. It was hard, but it sure helped me understand why I had a proclivity to do such things. 

In your shoes, I would insist on IC and MC. Anything short of that shows H really doesn't value your feelings. 

I realize it's gonna be hard for you. Good luck. 

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I agree with everyone else: He's not remorseful...not by a long shot. But he IS *rug sweeping*. Don't let him.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I'm sorry, I agree with the others. He is not remorseful, he is defensive and trying to put the blame on your short-comings. Of course he HAD to have an affair because you were such a bad wife!

As someone told me, if he is truly remorseful, he should be willing to cut his left arm of and hand it to you on a silver platter in gratitude for you even considering not divorcing him.

I am so sorry - everyone here understands the pain you are going through.

He's being more 'loving' to put you off the scent, to make you think he is giving you little concessions to keep you sweet while he carries on cake-eating.


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## jaded0731 (Mar 23, 2013)

Robsia said:


> !
> 
> As someone told me, if he is truly remorseful, he should be willing to cut his left arm of and hand it to you on a silver platter in gratitude for you even considering not divorcing him.
> 
> .


Thank you all for your kind responses. I think what is just as devistating as the affair itself is his response afterward. I fully expected that he would come back a changed man and do ANYTHING to save our marriage. I guess after 3 months I am still in shock that this is the type of man that I married.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Having realized the situation, please read, reread newbies link. It appears in the first page of this forum.

Listen to vet Lord Mayhem.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Also not remorseful + rugsweeping will in the future lead to more similar behaviour..why? Because he got away with it the first time.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I agree with everyone else: He's not remorseful...not by a long shot. But he IS *rug sweeping*. Don't let him.


excellent post lordmayhem. Repeat it as needed.:iagree:


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

No matter how deep the shock, try to force yourself to remember that you are living your life. You are not being hopelessly, helplessly swept along.

It's your life, so take complete control.

He is not remorseful. He wants his marriage, but he wants to have his girlfriend(s) on the side. He thinks he can control that.

Take the control away from him. Completely. Make a decision just for yourself. If you do this, it will also be the best decision for your children.

Decide what you will live with and then abide by the decision. Two years is a long time - a very long time to be focusing his attention on another woman. If it were me, I would kick him out and make him earn even a minute of my time.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> No matter how deep the shock, try to force yourself to remember that you are living your life. You are not being hopelessly, helplessly swept along.
> 
> It's your life, so take complete control.
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Rowan said:


> Right now, you are the mean mommy to his rebellious teen. He's "being good" to get you off his back and hoping to bide his time until you "get over it" so he can go back to the life he enjoyed. .


That line right there! That sums up so many of our situations!

Jaded - I'm so sorry you're here. This hurts no other pain I've experience and I pray that you will find the peace you need. I won't give advice, because I've made so many mistakes of my own during this process. But I will say that you deserve to be loved and respected, not deceived and resented.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Your husband is acting exactly how mine was almost 3 years ago. Only the past 2 months has he come around, and finally "kinda" "getting it." 

Do yourself a favor, pich up the book by Linda MacDonald, titled, How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. 
It may save you a lot of head banging against the wall, and a whole lot less heartache. 

-sammy


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Not remorseful!!! 

My H deleted and blocked his EA skank online. I know because I have his passwords and can log on at will. He also blocked any female that was not a business contact or mutual friend of the couple. He has also blocked guys that were aware of the EA.

My H continues to answer questions, even when they are repetitive, months after DDay. He has even volunteered info about women who have hit on him over the years. He understands what is required to R, even though it is certainly not fun for him.

Your WH should be doing that and more since it was PA and he bought gifts, etc. I'm so sorry you have to go through this!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Jaded has not been on TAM since the end of May 2013.


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