# Lost and unsure of what to do, what went wrong?



## unsurewat2do (Oct 27, 2014)

Where do I start? I've been married to my beautiful Wife for 5 years, together for 7. I love her dearly, we have no children, and I am 28 she is 30.

2 years ago she had an EA which rocked my world. We went to MC and it didn't really help at all, even though we went to 4 different ones. I realize she cheated because I wasn't giving her enough attention and have made the changes in my life to make her feel more like a priority and show her that I truly cherish her. She swears up and down that it was never physical but my I can't help but think otherwise. She lied about cutting it off with the OM 2 times and I find myself thinking that the only reason I stayed with her at that time was I literally had nowhere to go and would have ended up homeless (literally). We lived with her parents for 2 years due to a job loss and we could no longer afford our rent. We now have a beautiful house, 2 great jobs, love each other dearly, and enjoy life! I truly do love her and all seems well and perfect except it is not. My sex drive since this happened has been on complete shut down. I have went to see 3 different IC therapists to see if they could help and they only thing that they have been able to show me is that the reason I have shut down is because she had refused me for so long and so many times on my sexual advances. I have essentially shut off but only for her. I find myself wanting a normal sex life and she claims she wants to be intimate with me but I have no desire to be intimate with her any more at all. I really want to stay with her and have this marriage work but want what so many others have and that is intimacy in their marriage. I'm just not sure what to do and am ready to give up. She has given up on advancing on me since I just reject her all the time. I know it's my duty as a husband to have sex with her but I don't even get aroused so it's kind of difficult to do. It's been 6 months since we last had sex, and there has never been anything other than plain vanilla sex since we were married. When we were dating we had plenty of fun, oral, making out, playing with each other. Now there is nothing and the sex just seems boring to me. All of the counselors I have been to say that it's because of what I went through and having her not only cheat on me, but shoot me down repeatedly after cheating. It just feels like she never really tried to help me get over it and wanted to rug sweep the whole thing. Any advice I can get here is greatly appreciated, I'm completely lost and jealous of what friends have in their relationships........


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

do you really believe " I realize she cheated because I wasn't giving her enough attention "?


she had a hard-to-kill EA (probably) that lingered on through two false reconciliations, of course it's going to take a while to get back to a good place.


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## unsurewat2do (Oct 27, 2014)

ReidWright said:


> do you really believe " I realize she cheated because I wasn't giving her enough attention "?
> 
> 
> she had a hard-to-kill EA (probably) that lingered on through two false reconciliations, of course it's going to take a while to get back to a good place.


I believe that there is no reason for someone to cheat, be it physical or emotional PERIOD.

I do however believe that my actions are what led her to do what she did.

Her EA was very hard to kill and I was stupid and didn't let everyone and their mother know. TO THIS DAY I WISH I HAD...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Do you guys communicate? I'm talking about really communicating. Not thru a therapist, but directly to each other. Is she aware of what her EA did to you? Does she know that the fact she refused to let this guy go after you busted her three times total doing the same things has killed your desire for her? 

I get this feeling that you two buried this event in your pasts and have never dealt with the issue head on. Until the two of you hash this out, AND your wife shows that she is TRULY REMORSEFUL for what she did, you'll never get those feelings back. Maybe part of you is also unconvinced that her affair didn't go physical. Was the OM a local guy? If so, I'd bet it did go physical. And no doubt you think it did to, but you never got closure. This affair has not been dealt with to your satisfaction. IMHO, until it is dealt with, you'll never want her sexually.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

unsurewat2do said:


> She has given up on advancing on me since I just reject her all the time. I know it's my duty as a husband to have sex with her but I don't even get aroused so it's kind of difficult to do.


so stop with the counselors already. You are just wasting your money.

get a separation with allowance to date. Try dating other women. see if your sex life can be restored with that. Also, you will see if she goes back to her OM for sex. 

IF she wakes up and starts acting like your wife again...you can abort the separation. 

But a marriage where both partners reject each other for sex is just stupid. that's not a marriage, that is a demilitarized zone, full of land mines. get the heck out of Dodge.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

IMHO very few spouses have EA's or PA's if all is well in their marriage.

And before I get attacked, NO I AM NOT trying to justify affairs. The reality of it is simple though....if you are not getting the physical and emotional love you need from your spouse you WILL start drifting apart...if someone comes on the scene who does give you what you aren't getting from your spouse then the chances of you 'wandering' are significantly higher. Why? because we are human.

What the OP has to do is decide whether he can put his wifes 'indiscretions' behind him (them), provide each other with what each other needs and move on getting ever closer.

If he can't then at aged 28 and no children there is really only one sensible answer; divorce and start afresh.

Sorry.....but there are many many of us on here (both husbands and wives) who wish we had cut our losses and ran before children, mortgage, gym membership, golden retriever and a sexless marriage became the 'norm'.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Seems pretty obvious to me unsure. 

To put it simply your subconscious won't allow you to forgive her. My guess is that she received few consequences for her A, you can't reconcile not knowing if it was a PA, and you don't trust her new found "interest" in sex. You feel as though it's contrived to placate you.

Under those circumstances, it's natural for a BS not to feel intimacy during sex; and I know this from experience. The unusual part for you, being a man, is that you don't even get aroused. If you're not attracted to her physically anymore, I don't know what to tell you that can change that.

I will tell you that R's can work, at least mine is; by accepting the fact that it may be years or never before the act of sex can be an intimate experience for you - once you get past the hysterical bonding. 

But at least you should be able to enjoy the physical act.


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