# I've got to do something, but when?



## BarelyBreathing (Dec 10, 2013)

I'm very nearly resolved to leave my wife. I'm not sure if I'm posting this for advice or as a type of therapy, but here you go...

We've only been married for a year and together for a total of five. We've been moving forward as many couple do these days; Some time dating, some time living together, a year of engagement, marry, buy a house, babies... you get it. Currently we're sitting between married and buying a home. So no kids and no mortgage yet, which is important to note.

Here's the crux of my problem. I've never really been attracted to my wife. She's very smart, funny, loving and she can be damn cute at times, but I've never looked at her and felt a carnal drive to rip her clothes off and have my way. Which is odd because I’ve felt that way about many women in the past - that feeling has always been easy to come by (it still is, just not where it counts). I mean that's how it's supposed to work, right? We lust for someone, we spend some time really getting to know them and then real love develops or it doesn't. I know that's very simplistic and that for a lucky few, the lust may never die, but basically that's how it goes.

Well I never lusted after my wife, but who cares? I've had that before, it's not rare and often ends badly. What I did have was someone I could trust, who I enjoyed spending time with and who loved me very, very much - She did lust after me, which I think made it easier to ignore my own feelings or lack thereof. Obviously that's no fault of hers, but its something I can put my finger on. So basically I was starting out where most people hope to end up. Great! My thinking was that I'd have to be a shallow sob to turn her away just because I didn't get a hard-on every time she walked into the room. Whenever I had doubts, I shook my head and told myself how lucky I was to have such a great woman. I even read some articles and books about how to rekindle sex in a relationship, hoping that I might find what was never there. It hasn't worked.

What's worse is that one of the common pieces of advice you hear when it comes to being happily married, is to dedicate yourself to your partners happiness - be supportive and loving and you'll find the fulfillment you've been seeking in the effort. Nope. Maybe for some, but not for me. I tend to cater to the needs of others anyway - It's like a twisted sense of duty - I do good things because I feel I should, not because I really want to; there's no true altruism there. In any case, all I've done in even trying that is re-enforce her love of me... not good.

So there you go. That's where I'm at. I know, I'm a huge a-hole. I understand the pain I'm about to inflict and though I may sound very a-matter-of-fact about things, I'm a mess. At some point I'm going to break down crying at work or have a heart attack at dinner. So if you're going to berate me for hurting someone who doesn't deserve it or ask how I could ever marry someone whom I never truly loved... keep it to yourself. If you've got some last minute advice that you think might save my marriage and her heart, please speak up!


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Tough situation. She needs to know how you feel-----it will hurt!
Better now than once kids, mortgage, etc.....Good luck!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think you should discuss this with a therapist. Why would you marry someone you don't lust after?


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## BarelyBreathing (Dec 10, 2013)

We'd been together for 4 years, we're in our early 30s, we're great partners and it seemed the next logical step. I dunno. I guess I figured lust was a fleeting thing anyway and didn't know I'd miss it. never been married before.

Can a therapist make me find my wife sexually attractive? Maybe if I once did, but what if I never have?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you had it and lost it then maybe you could get it back. But if you never had it I don't think you could create it.


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## BarelyBreathing (Dec 10, 2013)

Yeah, that's my thought too.

I've very seriously considered a councilor, I'm sure she'll ask that we see one. I hate to see her upset and so I'm sure I'll relent, but it seems to me like torture... if the ending can't be helped, I'm not sure I should encourage hope. 

That said, if it could help... i dunno. I don't want to give up on what we've been working towards and i'm not sure how I'll live with the guilt of pulling the rug out from under her, but I'm just so unhappy. Lonely. Every time she tells me she loves me or kisses me I feel like a liar just because I don't feel as strongly as she does. She looks at me sometimes without saying anything... just stares lovingly and all I want to do is die.

This whole thing would be easier if she'd cheat on me. At least I could point to something she'd done to deserve this. I don't know how she's going to reconcile doing no wrong and still not being good enough.

I'm afraid my fear of hurting her will convince me to try toughing it out again and next thing I know I'm 45 with kids and a mistress. fml.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, have you ever been attracted to anyone?
Not just passing lust but a lasting overall attraction that included sexual desire on a regular basis?
I had attraction issues when I was younger, but didn't realize it :-(
I enjoyed sex all right but did not discriminate very well on my own basis.
Now that I'm older I realize, okay, I am attracted to some men (very very very few) but most men are attractive in some way however not sexually attractive to me (in fact, when I think about it, there is sometimes an ugh factor if it comes to even trying to think sexually about them...) So there is a huge difference.
But if you have never been attracted to anyone (realistic, in person, viable partner material not pin-up girls...) then I think that's the bigger issue and might bear some exploring with a therapist (maybe one with a specialty in sex?) before doing anything rash to an established relationship.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, that's the risk of staying. Better to go before children complicate the picture. 

Time passes quickly. You'll wake up one day and wonder where your life went. Full of regrets. Live your life so you don't have to have those regrets down the road. And give her the chance to find someone who can have that attraction for her.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

You should see an independent counselor either way, as it will help you focus your feelings and sort out the conflicting ones. Maybe you will find the resolve and value to save your marriage, and maybe not, but either way you will feel much better about your decisions.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Is there someone that you have become attracted to that has made you realize that a relationship with carnal attraction is better than what you have now?


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## BarelyBreathing (Dec 10, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Well, have you ever been attracted to anyone?
> Not just passing lust but a lasting overall attraction that included sexual desire on a regular basis?
> I had attraction issues when I was younger, but didn't realize it :-(
> I enjoyed sex all right but did not discriminate very well on my own basis.
> ...


i dunno, its possible my standards are higher than they have any right to be. Ive been attracted to plenty of women though, just haven't found the proper combination of looks, personality and availability.


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## BarelyBreathing (Dec 10, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> You should see an independent counselor either way, as it will help you focus your feelings and sort out the conflicting ones. Maybe you will find the resolve and value to save your marriage, and maybe not, but either way you will feel much better about your decisions.


That's solid advice. I think I'll have to do that in the end. I'm just tired of holding onto these feelings and hiding them from everyone.


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## BarelyBreathing (Dec 10, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> Is there someone that you have become attracted to that has made you realize that a relationship with carnal attraction is better than what you have now?


There is indeed. A long time acquaintance has made it very clear that she's available if I ever need a shoulder. I'd be lying if i said it isn't an appealing idea and that it hasn't given me some spark, but the grass is always greener and my feelings around the relationship have always been there to some degree.

If I leave my wife, I'm only doing it for hope of finding someone at this point. That's all I've really got.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

I don't get why you married her then. No spark no lust ? 
Does she know how you really feel. Wow I hope she has broad shoulders for this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

This should not be an either-or decision. Your marriage stands on its own merits, or it fails on its own deficiencies. If it fails, only then should you be considering alternative romances.

This distraction of the other woman is poison to your marriage. Stop thinking about her, and start concentrating on your marriage. If the marriage is not enough, end it. But don't end it because of the allure of this other woman.

I think you would benefit from exploring with a therapist why you married a woman you did not have lust for, yet you have lust for many other women before your marriage and now during your marriage. I think there is something there which needs to be understood. Then you will be able to better evaluate what you want.

In the meantime, ditch your thoughts about this other woman.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

BarelyBreathing: The fact that you have another woman who has made clear to you that she is available (which also means that you have at least in some way given her the idea that you might be interested at some point) changes this situation considerably. We now must all consider you at least somewhat "in the fog" as allowing anyone else to enter the picture, even just mentally/emotionally as you have, will automatically impact your ability to make any sound or reasonable decision regarding your marriage. You've now put your marriage at a disadvantage, as you'll naturally compare it to the imaginary life that awaits you out there, with this new woman as a convenient example of what that might look like.

It's an unfortunate place to be in, because how you'll ultimately have to chose to either end the marriage not being of sound and clear-thinking mind or you could choose to dedicate yourself to the marriage and bring with it a sense of resentment and displeasure over what will feel sacrificed for it.

Cut off all contact with the other woman, eliminate her from your mind, get into independent counseling (followed by marriage counseling if possible) and spend at least a few months figuring this out and making the most reasonable decision you can.


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## EuropeanWifey (May 10, 2013)

BarelyBreathing said:


> ...
> Where I could actually use some advice is on when to drop the bomb. I do love my wife, maybe not the way I want to lover her, but in the way anyone loves a longtime friend or family member and I want to let her down as easily as possible. Now that I've made the decision to end the relationship, I feel like the sooner the better, BUT Christmas is right around the corner, she has a close relative who will pass away sometime in the next month or two and she's about to start one of her final two semesters of grad school (if she stumbles on this post I'm screwed).
> 
> I don't know if I could imagine a worse time to have your husband leave you. On top of all that, we're saving money to buy a house which my family owns and in which we're currently staying. Do I stay with her for a few more months and just keep my feelings to myself? What if I lose my resolve? As bad as this is now, it could be much worse another 5 years down the road. Do I tell my family that we're not going to buy the house and ask them to keep that from my wife until I leave her or do I lie to them for another few months as well? What's worse - lying to someone or asking them to lie for you?


Before I comment on your concerns, I will also say that it can scew your feelings somewhat if you are talking with someone else who is available and who you are considering. At one point earlier this year, I was talking with a long-time friend and it fogged up my true perception of how attracted I felt towards my husband. My feelings were influenced by thinking about this other man. I had to stop talking with him to be able to know for sure how I feel about my husband when it's just me and there is no one I could go be with instead. 
You are saying you have never had lust for her, and that attraction is a delicate feeling. People say that you should discuss this with your partner, let them know at least, to be fair, to give them a chance to change, but in this case, it is not up to her. It's either there or it's not... It sounds like you have made up your mind on leaving her. Now, when to move forward with that... It really is hard to say! You say the faster, the better, just get it over with. It seems that it's a matter of either now or in a few months. I realize the Holidays is sort of a holy time, and I know from experience how hard grad school is. I feel like saying that she ought to have a little mental break and enjoy the Holidays, and maybe afterwards... But then, it's a New Year, new hopes, clean chapter, and to start off a year with such hard news may be even harder. Maybe you should just be honest and say it like it is. Be kind... You are only human. As long as you truly know your feelings aren't influenced by talking with this acquaintance, but it's coming from your heart. You can still be there for her through her relative's passing... I realize grad school is a lot of work, but you may tell her at any point when she is still in grad school, so there isn't a better time. Unless you decide to wait years, but, as others have said, life is short. Be compassionate to others, but ultimately it is your life, and you should live it the way you dream it.

So do you think you are ready to tell her right now? Are you ready for the consequences, such as leaving to live some place else, maybe supporting her financially for a while? Given she is in grad school, the money may be tight for her, I don't know. I know I would certainly try to ease this life change how ever I could... It is unfortunate about the house, but it is better to tell now that you will not be purchasing. I'm sorry it's tough. What do you think?


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## BarelyBreathing (Dec 10, 2013)

I completely understand what you're all saying about the other woman. I'd love to say that I'm beyond any external influence, but obviously I can't. All I'll say is that I didn't seek her out and I honestly don't believe that she's the answer to any of my problems. When I do this, I'm doing it without a safety net. I'm painfully aware that I have no guarantee of happiness or forgiveness, that I will be ridiculed by family, friends and strangers and that I will have no way to undo the damage I've caused. It was just a timely reminder that I don't have to accept my situation and that not everyone would think me a terrible person. A spark to inspire action.

EuropeanWifey - Thank you so much for taking the time to consider my situation and the questions I posed. You're the only one who truly has. I knew I'd have to explain and defend my position/actions (which I should have to - its a good thing), but I was surprised that no one was interested in discussing the last couple paragraphs. Your post really did lift my spirits a bit... I was feeling pretty down right about then.

Originally I had planned on spending a few more months at home, paying off one or both of her credit cards and letting her keep the balance of our savings, but I was very uncomfortable keeping all that from my family or telling them and asking them to keep it secret. 

I'll tell you though - yesterday I could have walked out the door and left everything behind, but the clothes on my back. I think I'd have been alright with that if it meant I didn't have to bear the weight of this decision any longer. I can't have this stuff rattling around and around in my head all the time, so I've made a final decision:

I'll talk to her sometime before or just after the holidays. I'll tell her that I haven't felt satisfied in quite some time and that I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I'll offer to see a counselor independently and a short time after a marriage counselor with her. If I don't feel there been a positive and sustainable change in ~6 months time... well, I'll have my decision and will know that I did all that I could in a terrible situation.

I'll tell my family that my marriage is going through a rough patch and that I can't make any guarantees concerning the future. This way everyone has some idea of what's going on.

This won't come as a total surprise to my wife, we had a similar conversation some months ago. We had both made a promise to make some small changes and I had even looked up a couple counselors who we never saw. We fell back into routine as soon as possible actually... that old chestnut. 

Honestly, I didn't hold a lot of hope back then that things could be rescued and I don't today, but perhaps this approach will give her some sense of control, a better understanding of my feelings and make the transition to single life easier.


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## EuropeanWifey (May 10, 2013)

BarelyBreathing, I just wanted to say that I don't think you are a huge a-hole, as you said in your original post. I also don't think anyone in your circle will think that, because you aren't just leaving her high and dry. I realize some people will just pack their bags and leave, but in your instance it is kind of you to go through it gradually, and together. 

Your plan sounds very thoughtful, and is a great plan. You are honest and care to live life happily, true to your feelings, and you wish the same for her. Why be miserable? I am sure she wishes you happiness, and would rather let you go, if it means that you would be happier. Even though you could walk out the door, you still offer the two of you time and professional help. I understand that you may not have much hope for other people to get you back together, but I believe that you are doing this for both her and yourself. The effort to do everything in your power to make the relationship work is essential for proper closure... She will feel included in the process, will know your feelings, and will have the opportunity to do something differently, if anything. She won't feel completely helpless and I hope will not blame herself for doing something wrong, or not being good enough. You may just be two different people, and every relationship is a leap of faith. When you married, this is what you wanted. Things don't stay the same and I applaud for your courage and taking steps to make things better for both of us. 

It is difficult time, but not terrible. You are looking for a change because you care so much. Like you said, this cushion of time will alleviate the transition. The fact that you are willing to leave without having the "safety net" means those are true feelings because you are willing to leave just for you, and not someone particular. This is what my mom told me too, when I shared with her about not having that connection with my husband (she has been married twice) - "leave for yourself, not for someone else; do what is best for you". While it sounds selfish, having it coming from her meant that it is not the end of the world and people will not hate me for my decision for the rest of my life (I haven't made the change yet, fyi). Life will go on, and everyone will move on, and everyone will smile again, and love. You are doing the best you can, and it's a solid plan. The way you decided to tell your family is perfect too - they will be in the loop, and don't need to know all the details. All in good times.


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

The whole thing behind being a woman - clothes, hair, makeup all the crap we do is to attract our man. This will crush her. It's very important to women that their men are attracted to them. While I applaud your decision to try and overlook the superficial, I'm also saddened that it lead you to where you are at this point. 
I think that, a lot of times, when the emotions of love diminish, it's often past experiences (the good times and reminders of them) can make the "spark" again or make it worth it to stick around. That said, is there anything at all that you think on and makes you love her once more?
If your answer is no, it would make me wonder if you ever really loved her at all. Maybe you are a person who goes with the proverbial flow. Someone who likes to take things one day at a time. But if you gotta leave her, well, I think your decision sounds decent. I'm sure it's because you already realize these things I've written about women.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Not seeking the OW out is irrelevant. You aren't staying away from her, either. In the end it is the same. 

Does your white know about this woman? 

And the OW is chasing a married man. Nice. 

It is bull that you are doing this without a net. 

Get rid of the OW and tell her never to contact you again. Work on your marriage and come back and tell us how you are doing. Shut the door on the OW in a way you can never recover so the opportunity is totally lost. 

Then you will be flying without a net. 

Don't try to fool yourself. 

We see this kind of post many times each year. They always start the same way.


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

Sounds like you married a very good friend. Hopefully she can learn ways to cause your eyebrows to raise when she enters the room.


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