# Considering divorce



## heyou (May 18, 2017)

I'll try to keep this brief. Married slightly over 10 years. Husband hasn't worked in several years does very little around the house. I work a full time+ job, cook, clean, spray weeds, etc. (he will do the major things – mow, fix a broken pipe, fix porch steps - but not the day to day things) He works odd jobs here and there to make enough money to drink (6 pack + nightly). He drinks all night and sleeps all day. I’ve begged him to get a job and he thinks his few odd jobs are enough. He doesn’t help with ANY of the household bills. When we’ve talked about divorce he says how much he loves me and that the only reason he doesn’t do things is because I don’t show him enough affection – but he isn’t willing to change until AFTER I do. I’ve tried to explain that it is very hard for me to show or FEEL any affection when he is sleeping or watching TV while I do everything. Adamantly denies he has depression/drinking problem until I say I’m done – then he says it is SOOO hard for him to even get out of bed every day. I feel guilty because I know he’ll struggle financially if I leave – but I’m so very tired of trying to keep all the balls in the air on my own. And depending on the amount he’s had to drink he’s made many threats – never actually been physical but has threatened – I do worry what that will escalate to if his meal ticket is gone…… I want out – I want my life back but I feel guilty that he won’t take care of himself. I am just having trouble getting up the courage to put myself first……. any ideas or advice???


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Take your life back NOW. 

Get all your ducks in a row, if he has depression then tell him to do something about it, but you he a grown man who should do things for himself with your support.
Sounds like you are working yourself to the bone and for what?
You don't have enough time to show him affection, with all that you do. Tell him he doesn't show enough committment to you or the marriage and you are done.

Maybe leaving him will be the wake up call he needs.
Does the house belong to you?


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## heyou (May 18, 2017)

Thank you - yes the house belongs to me thankfully. We also have a lot of animals and I do all the care for them daily too....You are correct - I'm very very tired....


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

This is S simple as it gets. File for divorce. Divorce proceedings can be stopped at any time. You can't help someone who won't help themselves. His behavior is not changing and until he has an epiphany, it will always be more of the same. You have done enough.

Maybe this lights a fire and he gets a job and stops drinking and your loins ignite. Or maybe he does nothing and you can move on.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Lot's of deadbeats out there! Sounds like he's got issues, and it is not your job to fix him. To some degree you have been enabling his behavior, and he has no reason to change. Take control of your life back NOW! It's ok to put yourself first and take care of you. That's what you should be doing.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Please keep in mind that for a guy who's basically keeping everything together on his own and then losing a job for whatever reason puts a man in a terrible situation that he can't resolve for himself. He has to use what ever money is saved to take care of immediate responsibilities, find another job and keep himself together all at the same time, all of which he can't do by himself. Not a pleasant experience (I've gone through it more than my fair share of times). Sometimes guys just shut down and say the hell with it and quit and some feel they have to reach down deeper and push through it. 

To keep your H from being the former, wives have to realize they must support their husband as much as possible so they will want to push through it and find another job. If you keep on jabbing at him with divorce, it just gives him more of a reason to shut down, say the hell with it and drink. Why should he bother going back to work if he feels he's not supported by you and you only want to get rid of him?? 

My wife did this, all I ever heard from her during the times I was layed off is how much of a loser I was (when the reason I was layed off had nothing to do with me) and that she wanted a divorce because I wasn't paying the bills. Every day I wanted to shut down and say the hell it and moreso the hell with HER. I pushed through, eventually got another job and then was able to full pay for everything, but did not and will not forget that experience. It's one of the things that has made our marriage the mess it is.

I do understand where you're coming from, he should do more, quit drinking and try to get another job, but I think that if you supported him doing that he would want to do it faster.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Why in HELL are you carrying around this worthless dead weight who clings to your skirt like a parasite? That's what he is, a parasite.

Jesus, talk about having an albatross around your neck.

What do you GAIN from having him around? From the sounds of it, absolutely *nothing.* 

I don't know what you're 'afraid' of . It's not like this drunken loser contributes to any PART of your life and getting rid of him will leave some kind of deficit. I would have thrown him out the door so hard his mother would have felt it. And I would have done it a long, long time ago.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

So you have to kiss his ass in order for him to be a productive human being? That’s so ****ed up. He’s a lazy drunk that doesn’t care. Stop with the guilt trips; he’s done this all to himself. Save yourself.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How's the sex and intimacy? If zilch, file for divorce and move on. If it's awesome, cut him off and give him 3-6 months to get a real job and help out.


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## heyou (May 18, 2017)

Thanks guys - it does sound pretty bad when you write it out. I think I've just gotten so used to taking care of everything that sometimes I don't even realize how much I'm doing. He got a job a few months ago - got fired cause he wouldn't show up to work. I think the 'scared' part is with the threats he's made if he'll actually follow through when he doesn't have anything to lose. 

JB02157 I have supported him - all the various 'businesses' he wanted to start that I funded. That he wouldn't get up to do. I only mention the job issues about once a month. I have asked him to go to AA - to take antidepressants etc. And he won't. 

Honestly I think I feel more like his mother than his wife and I think that is why I feel guilty for considering divorcing him and making him take care of himself.. pretty sad realization....


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It's unfortunate he lost his job but he could be making more of an effort to rectify the issue rather than wallow. We ALL go through hard times. 

He needs a swift kick in the bum and you're going to have to be the one to do it.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

You're married to an alcoholic. His addiction needs to be treated before you'll ever be able to repair the marriage. I'd give him an ultimatum and FOLLOW THROUGH. Either the alcohol goes or you go. And mean it. Telling him you're done while still sticking around is doing nothing to fix the issue- it is only causing him to lose respect for you because he knows you don't mean it.


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## Edward333 (Feb 13, 2017)

heyou said:


> He got a job a few months ago - got fired cause he wouldn't show up to work.
> 
> 
> 
> > Why didn't he show up for work???


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## heyou (May 18, 2017)

Edward333 said:


> heyou said:
> 
> 
> > He got a job a few months ago - got fired cause he wouldn't show up to work.
> ...


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

I am sorry that you are at this point in your life, the realization can be very a very tough one. 

You can only control your own actions, you cannot control what others do. You can't make your husband change but you have asked if he would make a change. Life is full of choices and sounds like your husband has made his. Perhaps it may be that you all are on two separate paths in life and you have finally reached the crossroads.

Ask yourself a question: What is your husband bringing into your life and how is he helping to make you and your life better?


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Get out NOW...before you become another @WorkingWife. 


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

^^^

So true. 

Read Working Wife's thread. That could easily be you. 

It won't be any easier to get out as time passes. You need to end it now.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

There is a huge difference between supporting a loving partner through a difficult time, i.e. a bout of depression, job loss, etc, and enabling someone who is not able to change and ultimately has no desire to do so. This is not a relationship, or a marriage it's some kind of co-dependency that will never bring you anything.


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## heyou (May 18, 2017)

Thank you - everyone who took the time to respond - thank you! I guess I knew all of this deep down - is just hard to let go of something that has been a part of me for so many years. And he used to be a good person - I guess I just kept hoping one day he would wake up and realize what he'd become. But I can't change him and no matter how much he says he loves me - it apparently isn't enough to make him change. And maybe he never really loved ME - just loved having a maid/piggy bank. 

We went to visit a friend last night - he drove separately - smelled like a brewery when he got there. 

Now to take the steps to get out - going to make an attorney's apt - start getting my things in order.

Thank you again and I think I'll stay on this site as much as I can - I've read several other threads and it is amazing how easy it is to see things from the outside and how different it is when you try to look at your own life.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Very very good! This place can be an awesome support tool. Some pretty good peeps )


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

heyou said:


> I And depending on the amount he’s had to drink he’s made many threats – never actually been physical but has threatened – I do worry what that will escalate to if his meal ticket is gone…… I want out – I want my life back but I feel guilty that he won’t take care of himself. I am just having trouble getting up the courage to put myself first……. any ideas or advice???


So are you saying he threatens you physically??

STOP with the guilt! He is an ADULT and is responsible for himself. Whatever happens to him is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. He may pull himself out of his addiction once he has to be on his own, or he may drink himself to death. Either way, its not your problem. BTW he could drink himself to death while you are still married, too. He very clearly has a serious problem if he will not hold down a job. You need to get him out of your house and out of your life.


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## heyou (May 18, 2017)

So are you saying he threatens you physically??

Yes - he says he only does it to shut me up and that he's never actually done it so I should get over it. Has threatened to kill me, burn the house down etc. I've tried explaining that there is NO reason to say something like that. I've said mean things in an argument and called a few names I think everyone has but personally I think telling someone you've dreamed of the ways to kill them is too much....


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Holy crap! Yeah you need to get out of this ASAP! Have you ever contacted the police when he's made threats? I am thinking a preemptive call to your local department would be a good idea before you drop the D bomb on him.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

heyou said:


> Thank you - everyone who took the time to respond - thank you! I guess I knew all of this deep down - is just hard to let go of something that has been a part of me for so many years. And he used to be a good person - I guess I just kept hoping one day he would wake up and realize what he'd become. But I can't change him and no matter how much he says he loves me - it apparently isn't enough to make him change. And maybe he never really loved ME - just loved having a maid/piggy bank.
> 
> We went to visit a friend last night - he drove separately - smelled like a brewery when he got there.
> 
> ...


Yes go see an attorney and if you can a counsellor. Mine is not alcoholic however he did keep saying he loved me, and didn't want this, refused to talk about separating and only wanted to talk about how I needed to give him more time but not willing to tell me what he would change or do with more time. To be clear I gave him 4 years. Leaving was harder than I thought. I kept having second thoughts because I was scared. I had to keep going to my counsellor to keep my courage up and stay on track. 

Open your own bank account, apply for a line of credit or some credit cards while you are still together if you don't already have your own money. It will be much harder to get a personal line of credit once you separate. 

I left 6 weeks ago and cannot believe how much better I feel. He refused to leave the house saying "you're the one who wants to leave this, not me, I don't want this so I'm not leaving". When I asked him if i could take some of the furniture he said no. So... I left and got help from girlfriends and my mom, found myself an ok space where my girls have their own rooms. It's not ideal but it'll do for now. It's crazy that he's in the house when we have a dog and he works 50 hours/week, and I work from home, my office and studio were there, and can't take the dog in my apartment but this stuff will sort itself out later. This kept me there far too long. I will make it work until we figure out an equitable settlement. I chose my life and to take care of myself over enabling his behaviour and our dysfunctional relationship. Our kids are coping far better than I ever could have imagined. He has been forced to change his patterns and take care of the kids in ways he never did before and I think it will ultimately help to forge a connection between him and his kids. As for me, it doesn't feel any different, in terms of work with the kids etc. I still am there for everything with my kids as I was before, but now I don't need to focus any energy on taking care of him or trying to open up conversation and connection and be blocked at every turn. I don't go to bed angry every night, and I sleep better than I have in years. I have hope again for the future which I haven't felt in a long time.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Keenwa said:


> Yes go see an attorney and if you can a counsellor. Mine is not alcoholic however he did keep saying he loved me, and didn't want this, refused to talk about separating and only wanted to talk about how I needed to give him more time but not willing to tell me what he would change or do with more time. To be clear I gave him 4 years. Leaving was harder than I thought. I kept having second thoughts because I was scared. I had to keep going to my counsellor to keep my courage up and stay on track.
> 
> Open your own bank account, apply for a line of credit or some credit cards while you are still together if you don't already have your own money. It will be much harder to get a personal line of credit once you separate.
> 
> I left 6 weeks ago and cannot believe how much better I feel. He refused to leave the house saying "you're the one who wants to leave this, not me, I don't want this so I'm not leaving". When I asked him if i could take some of the furniture he said no. So... I left and got help from girlfriends and my mom, found myself an ok space where my girls have their own rooms. It's not ideal but it'll do for now. It's crazy that he's in the house when we have a dog and he works 50 hours/week, and I work from home, my office and studio were there, and can't take the dog in my apartment but this stuff will sort itself out later. This kept me there far too long. I will make it work until we figure out an equitable settlement. I chose my life and to take care of myself over enabling his behaviour and our dysfunctional relationship. Our kids are coping far better than I ever could have imagined. He has been forced to change his patterns and take care of the kids in ways he never did before and I think it will ultimately help to forge a connection between him and his kids. As for me, it doesn't feel any different, in terms of work with the kids etc. I still am there for everything with my kids as I was before, but now I don't need to focus any energy on taking care of him or trying to open up conversation and connection and be blocked at every turn. I don't go to bed angry every night, and I sleep better than I have in years. I have hope again for the future which I haven't felt in a long time.




T/J warning. 

He said "no you can't have anything" and you accepted this? I would have lined up some people and a truck, waited for him to be gone, and taken what I needed. 

Eff that mess. 


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

Elizabeth001 said:


> T/J warning.
> 
> He said "no you can't have anything" and you accepted this? I would have lined up some people and a truck, waited for him to be gone, and taken what I needed.
> 
> ...


It was also about not upsetting the kids more than needed. I know I will get what's due when we talk to lawyers. He was playing the victim. I just used money from our joint line of credit and bought what I needed.


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## heyou (May 18, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> Holy crap! Yeah you need to get out of this ASAP! Have you ever contacted the police when he's made threats? I am thinking a preemptive call to your local department would be a good idea before you drop the D bomb on him.


Unfortunately every time I’ve tried to call the cops – he says that he’ll tell them I threatened him and make sure I’m the one that goes to jail. But yes I’ll have to have a plan in place before I file. 

Keenwa – Good for you!! I hope everything goes well for you and that you enjoy your life!! 
Thankfully since I’m the one with the job everything is in my name …..
Thanks again everyone for the support!


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## Edward333 (Feb 13, 2017)

heyou said:


> Unfortunately every time I’ve tried to call the cops – he says that he’ll tell them I threatened him and make sure I’m the one that goes to jail.


LOL! Let us know how that works out for him.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

heyou said:


> Unfortunately every time I’ve tried to call the cops – he says that he’ll tell them I threatened him and make sure I’m the one that goes to jail. But yes I’ll have to have a plan in place before I file.
> 
> Keenwa – Good for you!! I hope everything goes well for you and that you enjoy your life!!
> Thankfully since I’m the one with the job everything is in my name …..
> Thanks again everyone for the support!


That usually goes over well when a man tells the cops that his wife is abusing him. :grin2:Too funny.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Remember, you can record things with your phone. It doesn't have to just be a he said she said thing after you call the police. You can show them the recording, and let them figure it out from there.

Just please be safe.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Get out NOW...before you become another @WorkingWife.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


AMEN SISTER.
@heyou, Please read my thread. It's kind of long, so you'll probably want to skim, but I think you'll get a lot out of it.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/379858-oh-god-guilt.html

I am 51 with no kids, no retirement savings, and having worked myself into exhaustion just to make ends meet. My husband has been selfish and, frankly, a bit of a jerk, most of our 20 year relationship. (He does not drink like yours, but he never really worked while we've been together.) 

It took me all this time, and help from reading and posting on forums like this, to admit to myself how unhappy I am and how bad our marriage really is, and finally do something about it. 

A little over a week ago, I told him I plan to divorce him. In my case, it seems to have totally changed him. I am going to separate regardless and time will tell if his changes are real and if I am even capable of being in love with him again even if they are real. But saying ENOUGH and really meaning it seems to have been a blessing for both of us. He seems to be getting his act together and happier with himself than he's ever been while being dependent on me. And I'm now in a position where I can take him back if his changes are real and I find I want to be with him, or I can move on with my life unburdened by him.

I don't know how old you are, but don't waste another minute of your precious life waiting for this loser to become a man. If I'd set standards and said NO to this lopsided relationship years ago, he either would have changed then and we'd be so much better off now, or he wouldn't have and he'd be a distant memory and I'd be alone living my life my way, or with someone who appreciated me and treated me right today.

The time to fish or cut bait is NOW.

I also really recommend the book "His Needs Her Needs" by Willard Harley. It really helped me understand what my needs actually were, and that they were totally legitimate. The book is to help marriages and it is very helpful, but in my case it helped me understand why I was so unhappy and that other people won't accept that in marriage and I shouldn't have to either.


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