# How to communicate with a man - need advice!



## Adventure Girl (Nov 16, 2008)

I don't like to read LOOOONG posts, so I'll try to make this brief.

I recently got married (June of 2008). I dated my hubby for 1.5 years prior to that. We talked about religion, kids, etc. but I never really felt I had solid answers before marrying him.

Basically, my question is:

**WHY CAN'T WE EVER SEEM TO HAVE A *REAL* DISCUSSION?**

Especially when I try to talk about stuff like this morning when I asked him, "Do you think you will ever want kids? Not right now, of course, but EVENTUALLY?", he just shuts down. He gets a deer-in-the-headlights look on his face, mutters a few ambiguous words (like, "I don't know. We'll wait and see"), and stops talking. I can tell he's getting defensive, so I stop talking. Still, I'm wondering, "Will he ever want kids??!!" 

So, I go into a different room of the house. And cry. I cry because I'm not being understood and my desires aren't being validated.

Then he comes in and hugs me while I cry, tells me it's "good to cry and get it out," without ever mentioning the issue at hand (having kids). I sniffle and eventually run out of tears. He walks out of the room, I stuff my desires down for *yet* another time and get through another day.

The next week, the cycle starts all over. 

I think I want kids, but I'm not 100% sure. And even if I was, kids just might not be in our cards. I get that.

_The real problem I'm having here is that I can't sit down and talk to him about anything serious._

Do any guys out there have any advice for how to deal with this sort of thing? I'm so frustrated and hurt!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Adventure Girl said:


> Basically, my question is:
> 
> **WHY CAN'T WE EVER SEEM TO HAVE A *REAL* DISCUSSION?**
> 
> ...


make the conversation a two-parter. or three. or four.

just re-state what has been talked about, and pick it up from there.


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## Adventure Girl (Nov 16, 2008)

I would, except we end up stopping the conversation before it's really even begun. Literally, the conversation goes like this:

Me: "Hey, Honey, I've been kind of thinking... I think I might like to have kids someday. I know we're in a bad financial situation right now, but EVENTUALLY, do you think you'd ever want to be a father?"

Him: *sigh* ...PAUSE... "I don't know. We will need to wait 2 or 3 years and then revisit the issue."

Me: ...........SILENCE..... thinking, "He still hasn't answered my question. I just want to know if he has the desire in his heart to ever be a dad!"

At that point, when I realize the conversation is over, I leave and go cry my frustrations out.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Adventure Girl said:


> I would, except we end up stopping the conversation before it's really even begun. Literally, the conversation goes like this:
> 
> Me: "Hey, Honey, I've been kind of thinking... I think I might like to have kids someday. I know we're in a bad financial situation right now, but EVENTUALLY, do you think you'd ever want to be a father?"
> 
> ...



shock him. tell him you looked into adoption. he should stop for pause at least!


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## Melancholy (Nov 15, 2008)

After a six pack of his favorite beer he may be more likely to express his true feelings. I had this problem and my wife used this approach with me to get the truth.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Adventure Girl said:


> Him: *sigh* ...PAUSE... "I don't know. We will need to wait 2 or 3 years and then revisit the issue."


I think he answered your question. Maybe you just dont want to hear it. He said No. He doesnt want to talk about it for the next two to three years, either.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> I think he answered your question. Maybe you just dont want to hear it. He said No. He doesnt want to talk about it for the next two to three years, either.


:iagree:yep. sorry, missed that!


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## storyboardlife (Oct 31, 2008)

Question: did you two talk about this before you got married. Typically the question about having kids comes up in premarital counseling?


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