# Deciding to LIVE, rather than just EXISTING



## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

I've gotten some great feedback here regarding the decisions we make in coping with divorce. In response, I had to sit down and really consider my approach to the whole ordeal, and figure out how to improve it.

It seems to me that it comes down to this: Actively choosing to live, rather than just existing because your brain keeps telling you to breath. Purposeful, active living rather than passively marking time.

When my split happened, I spent a LOT of time feeling like everything was just finished. Not only the marriage, but life itself. I would never kill myself, because of what it would mean to my kids and because I'm too stubborn to give anyone that satisfaction, but I did find myself thinking "Only 40 more years before this crap is over." VERY unhelpful.

I've always known that my response to the situation was out of whack. For too long I just told myself that how I felt was out of my control...which amounted to giving myself a free pass to wallow. But having received a few well-earned kicks in the rear, I started doing some more reading and a lot more reflection, trying to understand my own role in these circumstances.

Thanks to the magic of online research and self-diagnosis, it looks like I've got a slew of bad habits related to codependency, and a few that may relate to borderline personality. I came away from the divorce feeling as if the world had ended because I didn't maintain proper boundaries. I built too much of my sense of self on the presence of this other person, on whether she was happy or not, and especially on her opinion of me. I made my self esteem about her, rather than taking ownership of it myself.

Other than appealing to my hypochondria, what good does that info do me? Well, most of the traits of codependency, and a fair few of those for BPD, arise from decisions people make in how to see the world and their own role in it. I wasn't loathing myself because I AM horrible, I was DECIDING to see myself that way. I wasn't marking time because life has no point, I was choosing that attitude. 

Well...enough. Time to stop looking at existence as just a matter of breathing in and breathing out. Time to stop waiting for life to REALLY be over. Time to appreciate the fact that our lives are very short, and any amount of time we have is a precious commodity not to be wasted. Time to seek out new experiences outside of my own echo-chamber of a head. 

Time to live.


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