# Just decided on trial separation



## Gatorclan3 (May 23, 2011)

Okay, my wife (30) and I (34) just had a big talk a couple of nights ago. Basically we've been married for almost 7 years. We are both extremely miserable, have zero communication, no intimacy, and have nothing in common. We were only dating for a month before she got pregnant. BAsically, what brought us together in the first place was pure physical attraction. We decided to get married and did so only 4 months after dating. It was a decision due to what we thought was the most responsible thing to do at the time, not out of love. We have given it our best but we both feel certain that we do not want to spend together forever. I am not in love with her and really never was. I guess I was hoping that I would fall in love with her as a married couple but it never happened. Im pretty sure she feels the same way. We are not a compatible couple at all and the only thing holding us together are the kids (we have three). I know marriage counseling is an option but I also know I would not commit 100% to it. But I dont want to get into detail about that topic. Every couple has to do whats best for them. That is not the point of the post. However, I brought up the trial separation with her and she agreed to it.

We both work for the school board so we have the summer off. Im working part time and so is she during the summer for some extra $$$. Otherwise, our schedules are really light and open. Our kids do not have much going on right now either. I thought this was the best time to give this a shot since we wouldnt be disrupting our daily routine too much. The goal is to simply live separate while still sharing all responsibilities. This would give us time to figure things out and determine where we think this marriage is going. Personally, I think it will only confirm what I already feel, but I just wanted to be sure before we ended it. 

There was no infidelity, abuse, alcoholism, etc. We are just two people who have met the end of the road. We never fell in love and only got together due to a baby being on the way. We've had talks before and have both tried to improve our marriage but at the end of the day, we are still miserable. I just think sometimes its not meant to be. My question is...has anyone else been through this and whats the best way to go about it? What concerns/questions should we address regarding our separation? We havent worked out the details yet. Our goal is to talk again in August and determine where we stand and go from there. Any advice would help! 

Also, I understand that you have to think of the kids through all this. Trust me, thats why it took so long to have the conversation in the first place! I want to do whats best for them and I know some people will say to do whatever you can to stay together for the kids...but thats the only thing that is keeping me in this marriage. Surely, that cant be healthy right? To stay miserable in a marriage just for the kids? If at the end of the day, I am unhappy and that wont change, then how would staying in that marriage help the kids?


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## notmotivated (Jun 11, 2011)

hello,

i completely can relate to what you have posted about your situation. I have a similar situation in the sense that I also feel that my husband and I rushed to getting married due to early pregnancy and really did not get a chance to know each other that well before making that decision. I do believe that at one point we were in love, but I was pregnant within 6 mos of the relationship and I think if we had given the dating or courting more time we would have realized that we were not very compatible. we constantly argue about everything and are always defensive around each other. He says that i do not complete him and that he needs more emotional support from his spouse. I for one, don't believe that your spouse should complete you. I think that we should come into the relationship as two complete individuals and enhance and learn from each other. Our beliefs about love and expectations are constantly getting in the way of the relationship.

Overall, over the past 14 years there has been more misery than happiness and our son is really the main glue that keeps us together. Unlike you, there was infidelity on his part and we are currently attempting a trial separation, he is still in the home, but in separate room. I did not want things to end like this and I don't want to hurt my son, but I am miserable and every time I think about giving it another try, i feel exhausted and depressed at the thought of another 14 years with someone that only wants to change me and who i have learned to walk on eggshells around.

I am sorry that you are going through this, but I think that it is courageous of you to do the trial separation. Although divorce is scary, it is even scarier to think of living like this forever with that person. I am not strong enough yet to know what I really want to do, but I hope over time with space I get the strength.


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