# She's cheated and lied, so here's my plan



## wend (Aug 5, 2011)

2 years ago (married 5 years at that point) our marriage was getting bad. Wife and I were very disconnected, and had lots of problems meeting each other's needs and putting the marriage first. She met someone online, made plans, but eventually things with that person went sour, so we stayed together to try to fix things. Overall I handled things poorly (begged her to stay, etc).

Fast forward to today and things aren't better, they just stayed flat. I accidentally come across an email from a guy, and here I am again trying to figure out what's going on. It turns out she actually had sex with this guy (different guy, not the one from 2 years ago). There's also another guy she's in the midst of an emotional affair with. This time, I'm prepared. I tell my wife I'm done (and mean it), but she asks to try again.

I reluctantly agree. I start by saying she needs to cut off contact with these guys and that I want either see the email/text where she does, or hear her say it over the phone. She agrees, but asks for a few days. She cuts off contact with one, but is pretty distraught about it. She still hasn't cut off contact with the other.

Here's what I'm asking of her:
1) Cut off contact with the other guy. Tonight. Also, fess up about any others. I know of at least one by reading an email account she had open. If she doesn't fess, I'll let her know that I know, and that we're done.

2) She needs to get checked for STDs. She claims safe sex, but I don't trust her at all anymore, so this seems like a reasonsable request. (we haven't had sex in 10 months, so I'm feeling ok about myself)

3) share all her email and facebook passwords with me, so I can look any time I want. She obviously could create new accounts and continue her ways, but it gives her an opportunity to show she wants to improve.

If she has any issues with my demands, I think I'll just tell her we're done. I am admittedly not the greatest husband and I've got my share of work to do, but given her actions I think that making demands of her at this point is perfectly reasonable. 

Thoughts? Advice? Comments? I'm in a world of heartbreak, so it's tough to stay level headed. I've got a million more questions, but I figure this is a good starting point. If we can't get past this, nothing else is going to work.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

She is still in contact as long as she is not transparent. Not worth trusting her to be truthful.

Cheaters lie and use tears to their advantage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Expose the affairs to family and friends.

There's a whole "coping with infidelity" portion of this forum.


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## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

Hi sounds like she is more unhappy than you if she is doing all of this, maybe a break would be better x


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

I think the ultimate goal is to work through the issues, especially if the other spouse is willing. In this case it would take a ton of marriage counseling - she needs to know the severity of what she has done. Adultery is terrible. Ultimately forgive her, but do not be too quick to move past this. 

You can forgive someone but not trust them anymore - obviously. Even though it has been a couple of years ago that you found out about the first guy, there could have very well been more going on within fat time span that you don't know of. This cheating appears to be a serious issue of hers and will probably be a recurring pattern. In this case, I would definitely end the marriage. Even if you forgive, the thoughts of her being with another man will haunt you for years.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Do you have children?


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

part of the problem is that the issues weren't addressed the first time. something is missing in your marriage and while you can put all of these restrictions/boundaries/rules in place, unless you both go to a marriage counselor and get all the issues (including those she has with you) on the table, the marriage will eventually end.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You shouldn't have to tell her to cut off contact. 

You already did that and if she hasn't done it yet and is making excuses, asking for extra days and blah blah blah. I woudn't even be dealing with that. Tell her you don't want to reconcile. Tell her you shouldn't have to explain to her why "No Contact" is NON-negotiable. It's not rocket science. She doesn't respect you cause she knows she can do whatever she wants without any consequences. The fact that you told her you were done and waivered told her point blank she still can do what she wants, when she wants. And you'll still be waiting for her. 

No way, man.

Until you stay true to your boundary (that you are done), you are fighting a forest fire with a water bottle. 



wend said:


> Here's what I'm asking of her:
> 1) Cut off contact with the other guy.


See what I posted above. I wonder even CONSIDER reconciliation with her at all at this point if I were you. Tell her that. You need to respect yourself first and foremost because if you don't, she sure as hell never will. (Like she doesn't right now).



wend said:


> 2) She needs to get checked for STDs. She claims safe sex, but I don't trust her at all anymore, so this seems like a reasonsable request. (we haven't had sex in 10 months, so I'm feeling ok about myself).


LOL. What??? "She claims safe sex" so she doesnt want to get tested? Is she serious? Are you seriously believing her? Are you even doubting your request is reasonable at this point? It's a slap in the face from her to you the fact she even had the audacity to waffle at all about getting tested. It means she doesn't even give a flip about your health after cheating on you now with THREE different men. What a joke. Oh and I wouldn't have sex with her again until that happens. 

No sex for ten months? That sounds like a whole different issue. But I digress...



wend said:


> 3) share all her email and facebook passwords with me, so I can look any time I want. She obviously could create new accounts and continue her ways, but it gives her an opportunity to show she wants to improve.


Again, another non-negotiable. If she doesn't want to share these things with you and be transparent, cut off no contact, and get tested for STDS, show her the door. Non-negotiables. No consideration for reconciliation. She has made a MASSIVE mess and it's up to her to clean it up. 

Don't let someone walk all over you just because you have feelings for them. If you don't start getting your dignity in check, you can bet on it that she never will.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Keep in mind these are not demands, but boundries that protect you from getting hurt again and again down the road.
So when you confront her explain your boundries and let her know that your intent is not to control her but to protect your feeling and protect the marriage.
You can't control her so don't try......giving her demands will only generate resentment. She needs to except your boundries b/c she wants to be married to you. You are giving her a choice to stay married to you with the new boundries or move on and disolve the marriage.
Again remember boundries are the walls that you put up to protect your self and your W has the choice to respect them or not. You can not demad her to feel love for you, but you can have these boundries and also be with a women that respects them b/c she wants to.


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## Daniyah (Jul 10, 2011)

Couldnt have said it better myself - well done Jellybeans.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Jellybeans was spot on.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Why are you wasting your time with someone that I'd clearly not wife material and thinks nothing of marriage AND exposing you to deadly STD. Buddy have some self respect and dump her. She's not going to change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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