# my mother is pushing



## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

I have been seperated for three months from my walk away wife. I have been moving past it knowing she has more issues than I want to deal with anymore. I have even started talking to other women online to help see there is better out there. My problem I am posting about is my mother doesn't seem to have. She brings it up an has me talking about the past like it's still an ongoing issue. Now she wants to make a post on facebook to have a night out for me to be with friends an family. I don't want to, an have no interest in doing such a thing. I have always been a non social person, it's just how I am. I have lived this same way for the last ten or so years an nobody bothered me about being this way before. So her pushing me to do things is just pissing me off an making things worse. The more irritated I get towards her telling her to stop, she tells me I have missplaced anger issues which just makes me even more angry. She got me counsleing with her insurance from work, but she had to go an be there with me. So it ended up a wasted effort an was about my mother needing to give me space. Waste I say becuase I was trying to deal with loosing my wife. Well now my mothers all upset becuase I told her she was just irritating me by what she is doing. So how do I get her to knock it off, she keeps doing this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I have an idea. 

Stop talking about your love life or lack there of with your mother. That's not her territory anyway. No hard feelings that way.


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## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

I know, I'd rather not. I'm trying to find out is there a name for what she is doing by tryig to force me do do this stuff? I need to know how to tell her to back off in a nice way. Just telling her to back off just makes her think I have issues an just she just keeps trying. Other family I talked too understand what I'm doing an back me up so it's just with her.
Wasn't a month after wife left my married cousins where having a joint birthday party for their young children. Big thing, but I sure as heck wasn't ready to go celebrate with other families that soon. Well told my mother I didn't want to go, but she was persistant over an over texting me to go an times an am I on my way yet. That was one of the blowups that we talked about in counseling. My cousin my mother had call me said he understood me not wanting to go an was fine with it.
Another time she texted me something about she was sorry I lost my companion. Well my idea of companion is having a pet animal that keeps you company so I got pissy with her over it. She got to counseling first an got to tell her side first. When I got there I was already the bad guy. Counsler had to tell me people have different meanings for the word an it was a simple misunderstanding. Well that night I looked the word up an it's exactly how I interpreted it. My wife was more than just a companion so she saying that to me was belittleing the marriage. 
What can I say to her? She thinks it is her territory becuase I'm her son.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You and your mother don't need counseling. You need boundaries. You're a grown man. She's going to always feel that she has some hold on you as your mother, but you have to stop inviting her into your problems in the first place so that she understands her place now. 

You and mom in counseling together? Totally inappropriate. You need individual counseling. She needs to mind her own business right now. It's not her place.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Your mother may have your best interests at heart, but you need to learn to say no firmly and without anger to her. Practice ahead of time what you will say if you need to. Then after you have said no, ignore her. No matter how many times she texts you, do not respond. She will get the message eventually.

I was heart-broken when our son chose a girlfriend who was still married, had a child, did not work, and expected him to pay for her expenses. I had one discussion with him, and then I let it go. He was not interested in my comments, so I have not said another word to him. That is what your mother should do, and if she cannot keep her mouth shut, then you activate the ignore button. 

Outlast her!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I forget what the book said but it was called the nice factor. In it she discusses ways to set boundaries with parents. Another good book is Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.

Dealing with parents is tricky so it takes some skill and practice. Totally doable though.


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## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

Thanks, I knew it wasn't just me here. Yes the counseling was with both in together. That was uncomfortable an not working so counsler sensed it an we stopeed after three times. I spent the first time with her telling me to be aware of my thoughts, next was thinkng about who I was really angry with when I get irritated at people. The last was about me an my mother an misunderstanding texts.
I get irritated for good reasons even counsler agreed so wtf. hispanic we have at work don't understand engish good, was running the water house onto a power cord connection an we told him he was gonna electrocute himself an he kept going. That to me is irritating but afterwords entertaing.
The counsler told her all that, lovesherman, but here she is again still doing it. Sounds like it is a boundry issue then so I'll do what I can to tell her. I didn't think I was being mean or showing anger, but that is how she responded back. I tried the ignore an my dad ended up coming over to talk. Even he thought she was over reacting. I'll look for the books, this boundry stuff sounds important an I don't believe I know what mine are.
Oh another thing that I thought was funny. She said I needed to get out of my man cave an be with family for a night out. Um it's my house it is where I live, of course I'm gonna be in there. Geez
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Scott:
Having boundaries and not letting people push you around is an important skill to learn in all of your relationships--at work, with friends, with spouses, and yes, with mothers. Practice until it becomes second nature to you. You owe it to yourself. Everyone respects people who are pleasant but firm with what they will not tolerate in their lives.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Boundaries have little to do with talking and everything to do with your actions and body language. When I first started this I failed because my actions didn't match up with my words. I also chose weak words and people didn't take me seriously because I didn't take me seriously. When you get to that place where you've had enough people WILL back off. Its a beautiful thing when you learn this.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

ScottH454 said:


> I know, I'd rather not. I'm trying to find out is there a name for what she is doing by tryig to force me do do this stuff?
> What can I say to her? She thinks it is her territory becuase I'm her son.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've heard (and called) similar behaviors emotional incest. It fails to recognize your boundaries in an intimate and intrusive way. 

Sometimes there is no nice way to uphold good boundaries without being firm and direct. If your mom's not listening to you, you may have to tell her to mind her own business clearly and with conviction, but hopefully you can also reassure her that you love her and will come to her when and if you need to (so she doesn't feel TOO rejected.)

You're a grown man. Tell her so. Get your own counselor and provide your own tools for recovery. You could try telling her that while you appreciate that she's trying to be helpful, it leaves you feeling like less of a man, and that you'd like to get through this on your own. Don't know if it'll work, but you wanted a "nice" way and that's the best I can come up with.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Time to cut those apron strings lad. Get a life of your own. Stop worrying about what your mom thinks. Do her a favor and man the f'up. You can love her but give up the co-dependence.

I have no idea why your marriage did not work out BUT your relationship with your mom was probably not a plus. But for sure this does not bode well for your future relationship. You want a mate who respects you. Yes they need to know you love your mom. But how many women want a mommas boy? You do the math. Most women do not want to compete with a mother either for their husbands attention.

Love your mom but be a man.

If she says she is going to do this or that for you and you are not comfortable with it. if she does it anyway. Do not participate. Be busy doing something manly.


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## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

Well came home an she was waiting for me. Things didn't go well, she doesn't think she is doing anything bad. It was about me ignoring her an being angry with her. She admitted I was not this bad about "visiting" her before my wife left. So I told her then I'll eventually get back to that point, but the more she forces me to do it the less I want to. She thinks I'm isolating myself from society by staying at home. Even gave my crap because I don't sit on the couch in my living room. Instead it's either computer room or the tv in the bedroom. So, at least I'm not wearing out my stuff. She said I'm gonna screw up the next relationship I have with my attitude. Eventually it got to the point she asked what I want her to do. I said let me go to work, come home, sleep an do it all over the next day. It's what I want to do, I've been moving on an getting past my wife. Even told her when she came over the other day( because I don't visit them) all she did was talk about was the wife an how I'm dealing with it. wtf, I'm fine so quit bringing it back up. Anyway she did the well you know where we are an have our number then when your ready crap. She just said that last week then sent a text today she was putting a get me out party announcement on facebook. Um, duh. I just need to be left alone to work on myself, when I'm ready to go be social I will. We'll see if she heard any of that. Oh an I told her she needs to respect my decision to not want to be social right now an she said no she was my mother an she raised me an I owe her. One more thing she wants me to tell her every week that I'm OK an alive. Really is that normal request? I think she is making me worse.
now that was a ramble vent


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Call your mom once and a week for 15 minutes tops. Tell her you are ok and alive. Stay dark from her the rest of the time. 

In that 15 minutes tell her how your workouts are doing. How you are getting out amongst people and meeting friends. How you are taking walks. Looking into new hobbys and so on. Make her feel you are very busy.

Then the rest of the time engage your life. If you need anti-depressants do so.

Yes, take your time. Take life on your own terms but I highly highl suggest you do something physical like lift soem weights, swim ride a bike ....

If you can afford it .. travel. Not sure where you live but it is critical you get out into the sunlight. Do not hide away on a computer in the dark.


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## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

Well an I have been making progress with myself, slowly but doing it. Looked at what I need to change an it's gotta be my job most next.

An now I don't want her feel like what she said is working by telling her that everyweek. I want to feel like I'm doing this not her. Can't handle that right now after what went down.

Yes I have sun here. Put insurance back on my hot rod an been taking that out, feels good. Was gonna try taking it to work tomorrow, but what a buzz kill today was.


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## LaurenceSext (Aug 31, 2012)

Stop talking about your love life or lack there of with your mother.


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## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

I'm not trying to, other than when she just came over earlier this week an talked to me about my wife. All this stuff has been about her thinking I'm depressed isolating myself in the house an blocking out her an my friends an family. The more she tries to get me go out or over there just makes me not want to. So pushing me just keeps me away an isolated that much more. After we argued tonight she really thinks that will help an I'm gonna come right over for a visit? uh no, now I don't ever want to go there or talk to her. she just made it worse.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

If she makes plans, whatever they may be, let her. That doesn't mean you have to participate. 

It's not unreasonable for her to ask you to call once a week if she has reason to be concerned about you, and you could actually use that as a bargaining chip... "Ok, I'll call once a week, but only if you leave me alone the rest of the week for the next ten weeks, and then we can re-evaluate."


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You really need boundaries. Your mom isn't your life partner and you need to get on your feet and build yourself back up. Obviously, she means well and loves you, but you can't nice her into backing off and you can't convince her that it's a good idea; you have to take your agency and independence and let a period of discomfort and adjustment happen during and after which you have to guard your boundaries far more carefully. 

You two seem very enmeshed. Did this dynamic have anything to do with your walk away wife, or did it happen afterwards? Sometimes, our well-meaning friends and family can hinder our growth and independence; we each have to fight our own battles and your mom, in trying to protect you, is getting in the way of your ability to do that. I can relate, because I've hot a lot of overbearing and well meaning friends and family that keep stepping on my toes and having to fight to maintain my boundaries has made coping with my situation doubly hard. Youre trying two bounce back from two big things and do it will take longer, but you must deal with both if you want to be stronger -- at least that is what I'm telling myself.

There's an episode of "Everybody Lives Raymond" (a sitcom) in which the overbearing mother tries to influence her son's chances of getting a job by contacting his boss and the consequences of his inability to manage these boundaries with his mother are his apparent incompetence in life and a lost job. Watch it with her. Talk to her about what she thinks. Indirectly, she might get it.

However, you can't deal with your marriage problems if your mom is trying to be your partner in these ways and you should read up a out this a d seek IC without her to handle your concerns about your marriage. Your mom will be mad when you enforce boundaries, but if you don't, things will continue this way; you can be firm, but gentle, like you might be with a child (I don't mean that in a disparaging manner).

You're making too much an issue of the word choice thing, IMO, because its standing in as a placeholder for all the ways in which you feel undermined by her attempts to manage your life without understanding what you're going through; you want less closeness and don't know how to get it. That is my opinion...does it make sense to you on any level?


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