# Rocky Divorce



## jdjd (Jun 4, 2017)

First off, I posted here a little over a year ago about being unhappily married. I tried much of the advice and it was greatly appreciated.

Having tried addressing issues with my wife on our own and through MC, we decided to get a divorce. I'm the one who said that's the only path I can see to happiness. At first she was angry and vindictive. Then, she confessed she hadn't been happy with me for many years (which explains a lot). She even thanked me for bringing up the idea and claimed we will have "the best divorce ever". This was about 3 weeks ago. Since then, her mood has been a roller coaster going through wanting a divorce, being sad about it, being angry, and the past 5 days, saying she doesn't want one. She was super sweet to me for a few days, and now back to angry claiming she will fight me every step of the way.

We haven't told our teenage kids about it yet (though I'm sure they can tell something is up). We've had speeches planned along the lines of "we did lots of thinking and this is the best for us ...". Now, she wants to break it to the kids that I want to leave, but she's against it (I'm not totally opposed to this, but it seems to go against much of the advice out there about not burdening the kids with the details). I fear she's trying to use them to get at me.

I know some of this is normal ups and downs that comes with a life changing event. However, some of it is getting hard to tolerate (yesterday, I came home to find she blocked or cut my face out of every picture). I have my own room in the house, but I'm at the point where I don't even want to see her. I work from home which makes it even more difficult (she has part time work place; I try to work from the library/coffee shop when possible).

Given all this, I believe divorce is the correct decision. I think I need to find my own place ASAP. My only hesitation is we haven't told the kids. I'm pushing for 50/50 custody and split everything 50/50. Please let me know what you think.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

What your wife wants to tell your children about the two of you divorcing is her problem.
You tell them the truth as you see it.
Your eldest is sixteen by now,he knows that you have a dysfunctional marriage and even your younger child knows that there is something wrong with your wife.
Has she continued spending every cent you earn and is junk food still the staple diet in your home.What about her idea to work part time to pay for a trip to France,did that amount to anything?
Your wife seems to use selective abstraction as her behavior of choice,this along with her dichotomy will make it impossible to reason with her.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Yeah, you should probably get your own place if she's acting like this. There's a lot of ways this can go badly. You should consider carrying a voice activated recorder on you at all times you are around her. It would be trivial for her to say you acted violently and get a restraining order against you.

I don't think it's fair for you to take the blame for leaving. It will be healthier for all involved if she can take part of the responsibility. It will be much easier for the kids to understand a unified message of "we aren't getting along" as opposed to "your dad wants out of the marriage and I think he's a jerk for leaving."

I would suggest telling the kids something like "Your mom and I haven't been getting along for some time. We've tried to work through it, but things have just been getting worse. You've probably noticed things haven't been going very well. I'm going to be staying in another place for a while so we can sort through all the issues." I don't think you need to bring up divorce right away. Treat it just like a separation. Who knows, you guys might work it out. But the separation will give the kids time to adjust to the new situation. Then in a while if it's still not going well, a divorce won't seem like such a shock.

And if you want to maintain a sense of integrity with your kids, DO NOT DATE UNTIL AFTER YOU ARE DIVORCED!!!! Don't talk to women, don't go out to coffee, don't do anything. Your wife is sure to twist around any interaction you have with women as proof you were having an affair and that's why you left.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

jdjd said:


> I fear she's trying to use them to get at me.


You can lay all fears aside, if she's not in favor of the divorce. She will use them to get at you. They will become pawns and transfer objects in her fight against you.

You will be blamed for it all. It's far better for you two to tell the kids together what you have decided. But, right now, all the children will see is a fight.

Case in point:



="jdjd" said:


> she wants to break it to the kids that I want to leave, but she's against it


Already blaming you, and it hasn't even happened.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I think what she wants to tell your kids is completely absurd, and suggest you DONT go along with that. Tell them the truth, and ONLY the truth. Kids don't deserve to be lied to, and will never trust you again if they find out you lied. Yours are teenagers, so there really isn't going to be any kind of custody battle, because they can pretty much decide for themselves where they want to be. Splitting 50/50 on other things is only fair and reasonable. It sounds like you need to separate as soon as possible. While its normal to feel ups and downs with a pending divorce, she needs to check herself as long as you still have to live together, cutting you out of photos is out of line with your kids not knowing what is happening.


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## jdjd (Jun 4, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> What your wife wants to tell your children about the two of you divorcing is her problem.
> You tell them the truth as you see it.
> Your eldest is sixteen by now,he knows that you have a dysfunctional marriage and even your younger child knows that there is something wrong with your wife.
> Has she continued spending every cent you earn and is junk food still the staple diet in your home.What about her idea to work part time to pay for a trip to France,did that amount to anything?
> Your wife seems to use selective abstraction as her behavior of choice,this along with her dichotomy will make it impossible to reason with her.


Thanks for reading my previous post. My wife has stepped up her game some as far as nutrition and trying goes. Since talking about the divorce, she's been working out, cooking, and chatting on a dating site. I think all of it is so she doesn't feel like "the bad guy" (the dating site was to see what's out there and to make me jealous according to her). No, we didn't go to France, haha. I completely forgot about that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, your children very likely know something's wrong. It would be better to tell them now rather than wait any longer.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Two thoughts come to mind, as someone who lived through my parent's divorce in my teens.

1. Your kids are smart. Probably smarter than you or your wife are. And they are observing everything going on around them. You need to be as honest and forthcoming with them as possible about everything from the cause of the divorce to what your future plans are. If you or your wife lie or embellish about the other, the kids will eventually catch on and they will gravitate towards the parent who has been most truthful the whole time. DO NOT TAKE FULL BLAME FOR THE BREAKUP WITH YOUR WIFE. To you, a long term relationship is ending. To your kids, the core of their entire world is coming apart. Remember this perspective as you try to maintain a healthy relationship with them.

2. Do NOT move out of your house before the divorce unless the court orders you to. If the marital home is still your residence at the time settlement is decided, chances are you will do better when all is said and done, especially if you work out of the home.


Bonus advice: document all incidents of your wife cutting faces out of pictures and like behavior. Take photos when possible. Tell the judge that you fear for your kids' safety due to your wife's obviously unpredictable & unstable behavior.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Edo Edo said:


> 2. Do NOT move out of your house before the divorce unless the court orders you to. If the marital home is still your residence at the time settlement is decided, chances are you will do better when all is said and done, especially if you work out of the home.


This is the correct advice, but balance it against what environment the kids are experiencing. If you and your wife can be civil, then staying in the house is the best thing to do. But if it's total chaos, it may be better for them if you leave even if it means you have a weaker position. But make sure you document and record all the crazy behavior so it's clear why you had to leave.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you talked to a lawyer yet? It does not sound like you have.

You should move out of the house as soon as you can, but only with a lawyer working with you.

Moving out does not change any rights you have to equity in the house. What it can do is to affect the custody settlement. So make sure the attorney knows what you are doing. The best way to handle this is probably to have your attorney file a custody arrangement on about the day you move out. It should be a temp one that gives you 50% custody. Just make sure that where ever you move to, there is room enough for your children 50% of the time.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Ditto what EleGirl wrote about consulting with a lawyer! This should be the first thing you do tomorrow. You need to have good solid information from a lawyer in your immediate area who knows how things go for men in your situation. The lawyer knows the local judges. Do not rely on internet research! You can find good basic info on the internet but it is no substitute for consulting with a good lawyer!

You can file the papers and do much of the work without a lawyer. It doesn't have to be a big legal battle that drains all the family assets. Hopefully your stbxw remains civil and logical during the divorce. However, you really need to at least get advice from a lawyer. I would also suggest you have a lawyer review any paperwork before it gets filed. Your kids make it a legal necessity to get things right the first time. You want flexibility in case your financial situation changes or you have a professional opportunity that might involve a decrease in pay or be based on bonuses etc. You want to be sure custody, decision making, etc are all done without loopholes.

My situation was a lot simpler because the kids were all out of the house by the time we divorced, and my xw was quite motivated to get the divorce mediated and finished pdq. But I still consulted with an atty up front to understand my situation, and I used an attorney to get some paperwork done properly (such as the deed of the house which xw kept).


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## jdjd (Jun 4, 2017)

I have been meaning to follow up on this. Thanks again for all the responses. This site is amazing.

Since originally posting this, we have talked to the kids and friends/family, I talked to a lawyer, and I am now living in my own place. The kids have been fantastic. They were so supportive when we told them. Since my wife did not want it to sound like both of us were on board with the divorce, we said something like, "We both love you very much. We have been unhappy in our marriage, and since it takes two people to make it work, I will be moving out." (I worded it a little better than that, but you get the point)

In my state, moving out before the divorce is ok, especially if you do it to keep the peace. As a few of the posters have said, check with a lawyer before doing so as this is not always the case. Fortunately, my wife has been ok at not being too resistant to me sharing custody. I am now in my 3rd weekly rotation with the kids and it gets better every time. We are still workout out what to do about the finances; she wants as much as possible, I'm fighting for 50/50. She has been resistant to filing until we figure that out. I'm now leaning toward hiring a lawyer to work through it to get this divorce finalized.

You can see my post from more than a year ago that I was contemplating what to do about my marriage. Manning up and saying I want a divorce was incredibly difficult for me, but now that I'm living on my own I can say with 100% confidence that it was the right decision. I'm already so much happier and the divorce isn't even final yet! I'm not bitter about marriage; I think the right person for me is out there somewhere. I'm looking forward to starting the next chapter of my life.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Good for you! 

I think you absolutely NEED to get a lawyer. Why she thinks she is entitled to more than the normal 50% is beyond me, but you are right to not allow her to push you around about this. Hiring an attorney isn't any kind of shot against her, but acting in your own best interest.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

jdjd said:


> I have been meaning to follow up on this. Thanks again for all the responses. This site is amazing.
> 
> Since originally posting this, we have talked to the kids and friends/family, I talked to a lawyer, and I am now living in my own place. The kids have been fantastic. They were so supportive when we told them. Since my wife did not want it to sound like both of us were on board with the divorce, we said something like, "We both love you very much. We have been unhappy in our marriage, and since it takes two people to make it work, I will be moving out." (I worded it a little better than that, but you get the point)
> 
> ...


I read parts of your June 2017 post. Half your 20+ year marriage has been rocky (10+ years)--starting after the birth of your last child. You read the books suggested--kudos. In 8/31/17, you talked about being lonelier and were timing leaving with the growing up of your children. Wife has roller-coastered about divorce with some improvements! Now she doesn't want it to 'sound' like she wants divorce and resists wanting to file.

Sounds to me like your marriage has been dead for a long time. Even in the early years of discontent she went behind your back to sabotage your wants. She cuts you out of pics. She knows your need for order and seems to me to be controlling by her resistance whenever some progress is to be made. Passive aggressive behavior is frustrating. Following through on divorce has been hard for you. BUT you are doing it!

Appreciate update. Of course, you are happier. Your wife knows your kids are old enough to make custody choices and will not fight on that. Please let lawyer work out financial arrangements. No good thing will come of trying to appease her.


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