# Does anyone else have backslides?



## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

I've been doing so well lately but really hit a dark spot this weekend. Like, really dark and depressed.

She was out of town on "her weekend" with the kids so I kept them. She was in a big city partying with friends. This, actually, is a blessing. I wish I had them every single day. 

But... The thoughts of her out looking perfect and partying sent me into a tail spin and I kinda lost it. i'm fine when w/ the kiddos but the minute they go to sleep it gets really scary.
And my God, she posted photos of herself looking hot as f'ing hell with her friends. I really should delete the app.

Anyway, do you all do well for a while and then have setbacks? 
When the heck will I just not care?


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Daily. Maybe that doesn't count...it has only been six weeks so I still cry most nights. But I imagine I will be having backslides like yours for at least a year....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Yup. Completely normal and it sucks. The trick is to do something to snap out of it. 

Keep in mind there is often a temporary intensity after we see/hear/read something about our exes, then it slowly fades. 

Progress can also occur in cycles. Days or weeks of progress before a period of backsliding or slower progress. That's ok.

Keep your eyes on the prize and better days ahead. 

A colleague at work separated from his wife a couple of years ago. He's now with someone new and veyr happy. He told me that when his wife left, he was devastated and wondered why this was happening... but after a year, he realized it was for the best. He's much happier with the new woman in his life. 

He walked through hell and got to the other side, in time. We will too.

I often question how my ex can move forward to easily, as if I never mattered. Who knows why that's the case. But... that's her journey, not mine. I often have to remind myself of that, like this weekend. Hang in there, we'll make it.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

canguy, you're posts really are brilliant. Really glad you're here.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

sd212 said:


> And my God, she posted photos of herself looking hot as f'ing hell with her friends. I really should delete the app.


I think you should. Like yesterday.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I have set backs. I think of having sex with her again or feeling her up etc. Getting a nice hug. Then we talk about any simple thing and I realise she is not the same person.

Today we were talking about the "children in the middle" class she has to take. It conflics with a meeting I have so I wanted her to change it and she said something about that was the only class for the next month and I told her there was several other places she could take the course etc etc. She got pissed for some reason and I tried to tell her I was just trying to help her and she proceeded to say that she doesn't want any more help from me etc etc. 

Super *****y, These times snap you right out of your funk.

I actually feel sorry for her a little. Seems like her life is real sucky. Even though she was out until 2 last night.

I'm sure I will backslide again we all do but it will get farther and farther apart until one day we / you will be super happy and not even think of her.

Stay strong my friend,


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Definitely delete whatever app it is that is keeping you informed of her activities.

Backslides are totally normal.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

sd212 said:


> I've been doing so well lately but really hit a dark spot this weekend. Like, really dark and depressed.
> 
> She was out of town on "her weekend" with the kids so I kept them. She was in a big city partying with friends. This, actually, is a blessing. I wish I had them every single day.
> 
> ...


I feel like this a lot and i'm over a year since my divorce. My ex is a drop dead gorgeous woman and she always looks incredible. She also always looks happy as can be. 

It is just a kick in the nuts to those of us who were left behind because we still haven't fully moved on yet and our ego has been bashed in with a sledge hammer. In my case, my ex moved in with her affair partner 5 months after the divorce and will be getting married next month. The d!ckhead she's marrying all of the sudden wants to play daddy to her 3 kids (2 from her first marriage) when he left his wife and kid behind as well. 

But...and this is the hard part.....At this point, it really is not their problem, it is ours. We are the ones letting this get to us when in reality they have moved on a long time ago. So, what's the point in these "set-backs?" Are we afraid we'll never be worthy of finding someone like that again? Do we even want anyone like that again? 

I still think when it comes down to it, none of this is about love, none of it is about the ex, none of it is about what they are doing....It comes down to our fragile ego. We got sh!t on and instead of just giving them the finger and moving on we have the backslides where we wallow in our own self pity and feel sorry for ourselves. 

This is a discussion I have with myself almost on a weekly basis!!!!


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Ive had a bit of a back slidey weekend as well. The overriding emotion for me tends to be anger towards her. The thing that most triggers it for me is when my 5 yr old daughter drops little hints...draws pictures of us all together in a house etc....gets me every time that, wheras I think my stbx has a heart of stone. Not once in the 6 months or so its been going on has she shown any kind of emotion or second guessing of her decision....and that just riles me. No emotion at all about breaking up the family. If I had known how stone cold she could be, Id never have married her. In my darkest moments I do start wishing I 'd never met her, and feel likes shes robbed me of 10 years.

All that said though...I know this latest slide will pass - because I have to say as well as backslides I also get 'upslides' too....I seem to have had some really great weekends as well and lately they have been outnumbering the bad, so in general going in the right direction I think.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

What is it about this weekend? I missed my wife and kids terribly today, when I had been doing rather well all week.


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## PartlyCloudy (Jun 6, 2011)

Definitely. It does get better, though. I've been separated a year now. The backslides come fewer & far b/t, but they still come. 

It can be frustrating when people say it takes time, but it's true. We'll probably have the scars forever, but it really does get better.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

TAM mental connection on this weekend = feelin ****ty .. apparently .. lol. THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS!


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

As my counselor told me, thought drives emotions.

Feeling down? Think of where you want to be in five years. Think of how you want to feel. What you want to attract. The person you want to attract. *Visualize* yourself moving forward, out of the woods and to a better place, frame of mind, etc. 

Feed your subconscious some good stuff. It helps and it's free.


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## momtoboys (Apr 22, 2012)

yes often! I texted my stbxh to ask him a question about the pool we use to own. I called twice and texted and no response the whole day, that didnt bother me as much as it use to. (its been 2 1/2 months) but then first thing the next morning he texted and said "sorry i didnt answer, i was busy all day yesterday" and my first thought was he was with a girl. I got kinda mean to him and then just stopped trying to talk to him all together. I doubt he was with a girl, he's too busy with work, i know he was probably fishing or working but i still had thoughts of that and had a back slide after doing so well lately.

am i the only one who will stay up and get upset about it all night after the kids are in bed? lol


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I have backslides still too...but, not as much as I did when this all first started.

The pictures can definitely do a number on you. I know it is hard to let go, but you really should delete that app. For a while, my ex and were on the same cell phone plan--so, I was able to monitor his phone calls and texts. I am embarrassed to admit it, but I used to check his phone records daily...and it was maddening. It would drive me crazy knowing how much he was calling and texting his girlfriend--yet, I couldn't help myself from checking up on his.

Finally, when our cell-plans were separated, I no longer had access to that information. ...and I was able to move on a bit. I stopped thinking about him calling/texting his girlfriend. I stopped obsessing. In turn, I deleted him from other areas of my life--no more pictures of him in my house, I threw away a journal that I used to keep (I wrote secret "love letters" to him in this private journal since our engagement--I always envisioned giving him this journal on our 20th anniversary), I deleted him from my facebook, etc. It really helped me to let go.--to purge and stop obsessing.

But, we all have backslides, and that is normal. 

One thing, though, I don't really find my ex-husband attractive anymore. I focus more on his attitude, how he treated me, and who he has become. --and all these things make him seem very unattractive to me. For a while, I was totally repulsed by him, actually. But, now, as the reality of his choices is setting in, I just pity him and who he has become.

Try not to focus so much on what your wife looks like on the outside. She may *look* like she is having the time of her life--but, you don't know what is going on inside her head and inside her soul.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

jpr said:


> I have backslides still too...but, not as much as I did when this all first started.
> 
> The pictures can definitely do a number on you. I know it is hard to let go, but you really should delete that app. For a while, my ex and were on the same cell phone plan--so, I was able to monitor his phone calls and texts. I am embarrassed to admit it, but I used to check his phone records daily...and it was maddening. It would drive me crazy knowing how much he was calling and texting his girlfriend--yet, I couldn't help myself from checking up on his.
> 
> ...


JPR I totally used to do the same thing I was obsessed with checking on who he has talking to and how many times- it was so much healthier when we split plans and and i couldnt any more. i couldnt even stop myself from checking his bank account and what he was spending his money on- im so glad im done with that obsessing, it was making me so much more deperessed


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Paradise said:


> I still think when it comes down to it, none of this is about love, none of it is about the ex, none of it is about what they are doing....*It comes down to our fragile ego*. We got sh!t on and instead of just giving them the finger and moving on we have the backslides where we wallow in our own self pity and feel sorry for ourselves.
> 
> This is a discussion I have with myself almost on a weekly basis!!!!


So very true! Understand your ego, understand why we can't just give em the finger, and move on. This will be the absolute best service to yourself now and into the future. 

Don't forget there's the other side to it however. That we are with people weak enough to keep sh!tting instead of flushing the damn toilet.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

unsure78 said:


> JPR I totally used to do the same thing I was obsessed with checking on who he has talking to and how many times- it was so much healthier when we split plans and and i couldnt any more. i couldnt even stop myself from checking his bank account and what he was spending his money on- im so glad im done with that obsessing, it was making me so much more deperessed


It is nice to know that I am not the only one who obsesses like that. 

It was hard to let go of that "control", but it is really got soooooo much better when I didn't have that access anymore. I just sort of stopped thinking about him and what he was doing...and I focused on living my own life. It really was freeing.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

JPR!!! You are really not alone .. that was literally my last 'connection' with my stbxw up until last Wednesday. I was able to see who she was texting and when .. also was able to see all the data on her phone (skyping with ex boyfriend most likely) ..

Saw a bunch of new phone numbers, some I googled and found out to be guys .. it's just a big mess. I really didn't know who the new numbers were or why, could have been a bunch of things.

It took her almost 2 months to 'remember' to transfer her phone to her own new account. When she did, it was like a ton of bricks hitting me in the head.

Such a large part of me knows it was for the best, but man .. it's completely dark now.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

UpnDown said:


> JPR!!! You are really not alone .. that was literally my last 'connection' with my stbxw up until last Wednesday. I was able to see who she was texting and when .. also was able to see all the data on her phone (skyping with ex boyfriend most likely) ..
> 
> Saw a bunch of new phone numbers, some I googled and found out to be guys .. it's just a big mess. I really didn't know who the new numbers were or why, could have been a bunch of things.
> 
> ...


hahaha. I Googled phone numbers like that, too.

It was an obsession.

I remember that feeling of being completely in the dark. It was weird,and I was had a *lot* of anxiety at first. It was sort of like the last little connection I had to my ex-husband--it was the last window that I had into his world. But, the shade was finally drawn, and I was in the dark. REALLY, this is for the best. Really. 

You have to re-train your brain to focus on other things. When you find your mind wandering and wondering what your ex is up to, just stop. Just try to stop it, and nip it in the bud. I liked to visualize a "STOP" sign at the front of my forehead when I caught myself doing this. ...and then I would picture myself on a bicycle peddling forward...and I focused on the peddling and the gears and chains on the bicycle moving and moving me forward. ....leaving this mess all behind. 

It is really hard to let go.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

I'm so stinkin glad I posted this. I've been feeling really rough about everything so to hear all of the affirmation that I'm normal and OK really helps.

To be honest, I really thought I'd be OK nearly 6 months out but it just hasn't happened. When I saw her this morning I felt weak in the knees. She felt nothing I'm sure. Sure will be glad when those tables turn.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

jpr said:


> You have to re-train your brain to focus on other things. *When you find your mind wandering and wondering what your ex is up to, just stop. Just try to stop it, and nip it in the bud.* I liked to visualize a "STOP" sign at the front of my forehead when I caught myself doing this. ...*and then I would picture myself on a bicycle peddling forward...and I focused on the peddling and the gears and chains on the bicycle moving and moving me forward. ....leaving this mess all behind. *
> 
> It is really hard to let go.


I do the same, but I'm in a jeep. Led Zeppelin is playing. Fuzzy dice hang off the rearview mirror.

Seriously... visualization can be a big help.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

I found out about STBXW and OM by looking at the cellphone records. We had both our phones in my account. Even after we got back together I would obsess over this and checked daily. It's really not healthy.

It's a must to get rid of anything that reminds you of ex including apps, facebook accts where you may see stuff related to them. 

I agree with the poster that said this is a lot about our egos. Right now a lot of us can't visualize ourselves happy in the future. The betrayal is too recent. 

But like Canguy said there are people who have gone through this and come out better in the end. BE POSITIVE. And you'll start seeing positive things.

SD, You will be fine bro. Seems like most of our exes are dead gorgeous women and they definitely are attactive but JPR said some time ago in another thread that they really have no beauty inside. Everytime you think of your wife looking good imagine she's a witch an ugly beat up drunkie. She's dark inside. They all are.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

OK all. Just deleted the app. Ugh.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

sd212 said:


> OK all. Just deleted the app. Ugh.


Good for you! It is like pulling off a band-aid, though. It is going to hurt for a while, and you are going to wonder if you did the right thing--you are going to miss it.
But, you DID do the right thing. This is the HEALTHY thing to do.

​You are moving forward, my friend. Try not to look back.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

There you go! 

Keep walking forward.


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## Andy968 (Apr 29, 2012)

Hey sd212, I just had a back-slide weekend as well. The wife and I needed to discuss kid issues so I stopped by her place. After taking care of the normal logistics, she asks if I would tow our trailer this summer to a function where she acts as a leader. She "needs" the trailer she says, hmmmm??. I can't tell you how torn this made me feel. If I say no, I'm a selfish a-hole I've always been, or if I say yes I'm losing my self-dignity. I woke up last night at 0-dark-thirty wide awake angry she even asked me. We are separated, and unless the kids are involved, we are standing on our own two feet right? I then started crying because, normally, I would have been happy to do it. I just had a month of peace and now the crazy emotions start again. The good news is my emotions calm down faster than they used to. Bad news.... lost another night's sleep. You are not alone. Keep your chin up.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Is this a backslide? I woke up this morning and WW was still in the bed (usually she goes to the couch) So I ask to snuggle and fondle, she is fine with it. So I push, I tell her to do oral on me, she said no and I tell her again. Not forcably or anything just not begging for it, you know. She rolls over a bit and I rub her private. She says something about "are you gonna let me take the kids on vacation?" I think hell no but say "what?" She laughs it off like she was kidding. We share a moment. and I get up to go to work.

I know we are not getting back together or anything I just wanted "some". Is that backsliding. Any other comments are welcomed too. Maybe this is just weird?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I want the kids! said:


> Is this a backslide? I woke up this morning and WW was still in the bed (usually she goes to the couch) So I ask to snuggle and fondle, she is fine with it. So I push, I tell her to do oral on me, she said no and I tell her again. Not forcably or anything just not begging for it, you know. She rolls over a bit and I rub her private. She says something about "are you gonna let me take the kids on vacation?" I think hell no but say "what?" She laughs it off like she was kidding. We share a moment. and I get up to go to work.
> 
> I know we are not getting back together or anything I just wanted "some". Is that backsliding. Any other comments are welcomed too. Maybe this is just weird?


Didn't she spend the night at a hotel with OM?

Might want to get checked for STDs.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I will get checked at some point but not yet.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

> =
> 
> I know we are not getting back together or anything I just wanted "some". Is that backsliding. Any other comments are welcomed too. Maybe this is just weird?


Whoa, this is a whole new level from what I was talking about...


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

That's just you being horny. It's your animal instinct getting the best of you. That's it.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

SD, why not change your avatar into something more cheerful!


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Lifescript said:


> SD, why not change your avatar into something more cheerful!


You're right, I should. Unfortunately it still fits how I feel most of the time. I'm close to getting better, I promise. Just not there yet. I still love her and haven't progressed as quickly as I'd like. The day I don't reach for her when I see her, I'll change it.


On a positive note, I took 2 big steps today. I deleted the app that allowed me to see her all day every day andd....!!!!!

I QUIT SMOKING TODAY!!! :smthumbup:


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

sd212 said:


> On a positive note, I took 2 big steps today. I deleted the app that allowed me to see her all day every day andd....!!!!!
> 
> I QUIT SMOKING TODAY!!! :smthumbup:


I think you missed the most important step. Finding a younger, hotter friend. 

Nothing serious but to keep your mind away from your stbx.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

sd212 said:


> You're right, I should. Unfortunately it still fits how I feel most of the time. I'm close to getting better, I promise. Just not there yet. I still love her and haven't progressed as quickly as I'd like. The day I don't reach for her when I see her, I'll change it.
> 
> 
> On a positive note, I took 2 big steps today. I deleted the app that allowed me to see her all day every day andd....!!!!!
> ...


Good for you on both counts! Progress might be slow, but as the saying goes, slow & steady wins the race. 

Imho, it's the slow and steady progress that truly helps rebuild ourselves after the separation/divorce. It's like building a house slowly, brick by brick, to make a solid structure. 

Better than a rush job where things look great one the outside, but structurally, the true growth is just not there. Nah, no reference to my ex there at all. Nope. 

I agree about your avatar. You want to shift your mood? Make any and all the positive changes in your power. You already feel crappy on the inside sometimes... no use having that avatar as a reminder.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

sd212 said:


> On a positive note, I took 2 big steps today. I deleted the app that allowed me to see her all day every day andd....!!!!!
> 
> I QUIT SMOKING TODAY!!! :smthumbup:


Well done! Ill have to try soon....this whole thing started me smoking again after being stopped for 6 years and I'm smoking like a trooper.


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## ididnothingwrong (May 19, 2012)

Congrads on stop smoking


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

Quitting smoking is really hard. If you backslide on that just don't take that as any indication on your future success at anything else.


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