# Wife has been in contact with an ex boyfriend for our whole marriage!



## Harlin

Of course i had no idea until one day she left her messenger open and i saw some posts..such as
Her to him..I think about you often and the Great memories we had together..
Him to her..we did have some great memories..elvis, gettysburg, the snow
And others
Him to her..you will always have a special place in my heart and used her maiden name..we have been married 17 years!
And more..Am I being crazy for being pissed off so bad I joined a dating site and want very little to,do with her!
I do love her and she swears they have never gotten together since they dated for 10 months prior to me.
Am I crazy????
Harlin


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## Evinrude58

I’m just thankful you haven’t said “what do I do” or “is this my fault” or started making excuses for her.

of course you are rightly upset. No way that’s appropriate


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## marko polo

You are not crazy.

Cheaters lie. I would not believe they have not gotten together since they dated. There is a reason they have stayed in contact for the duration of your marriage. 

Tell your wife her ex can have her and get started on a divorce.


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## Diana7

You are right to be upset but joining a dating site is a really stupid idea. Hopefully you are not in contact with anyone or seeing anyone?


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## Harlin

Diana7 said:


> You are right to be upset but joining a dating site is a really stupid idea. Hopefully you are not in contact with anyone or seeing anyone?


I am just on there browsing, not looking for a connection!


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## Harlin

marko polo said:


> You are not crazy.
> 
> Cheaters lie. I would not believe they have not gotten together since they dated. There is a reason they have stayed in contact for the duration of your marriage.
> 
> Tell your wife her ex can have her and get started on a divorce.


I would like to think I can trust her to that extent? She says no and I do nelieve her but maybe I am naive..


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## Harlin

Harlin said:


> I would like to think I can trust her to that extent? She says no and I do nelieve her but maybe I am naive..


Crazy but he dumped her to go back to his wife and they still found time for each other!


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## Evinrude58

Harlin said:


> I would like to think I can trust her to that extent? She says no and I do nelieve her but maybe I am naive..


Yes, I’m sorry but you are


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## nocam7

Harlin. This has to end. You must correct your wife and make rules.
Full access to phone and social media accounts
Mandatory counseling sessions
You get to contact that guy and his wife with the messages. 
Let her know should she not agree you want her out of the house immediately, even if it's the dead of night. Tell her you will post on Facebook what you suspect is going on in a user poll

Don't be disrespected by these women. Lead her back firmly do not be naive

Take it from a cheater

Sent from my Pixel 4 using Tapatalk


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## DudeInProgress

Harlin said:


> I would like to think I can trust her to that extent? She says no and I do nelieve her but maybe I am naive..


Yes, it’s naive to believe that they have never met up. That doesn’t mean she has, but you cannot trust anything she tells you about this situation right now.

this is a serious breach of marital trust and should be dealt with accordingly. You need to do more investigation, do not simply accept her explanations and sweep it under the rug. This is a big deal.

if after investigating, you are satisfied that:
1. It was not physical
2. She is remorseful about this emotional betrayal and the pain it inflicted on you
3. She is willing to do what’s needed to rebuild trust (no contact with ex, open device policy, etc.)
4. You still want this marriage

Then you need to reestablish what boundaries and expectations you have of her and what you will and will not tolerate in your marriage.


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## DudeInProgress

Harlin said:


> Crazy but he dumped her to go back to his wife and they still found time for each other!


He dumped her and she still pining over him. Very bad situation.

so was she seeing him while he was married?


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## Diana7

Harlin said:


> I am just on there browsing, not looking for a connection!


Then come off.


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## Andy1001

Harlin said:


> Crazy but he dumped her to go back to his wife and they still found time for each other!


Well seeing as your wife had no problem in dating a married man it’s not a big leap for her to cheat on her own spouse. 
If this was innocent how come she kept it a secret for seventeen years?
You need to start investigating buddy because you are being fed a line of bs here.


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## jonty30

Harlin said:


> Of course i had no idea until one day she left her messenger open and i saw some posts..such as
> Her to him..I think about you often and the Great memories we had together..
> Him to her..we did have some great memories..elvis, gettysburg, the snow
> And others
> Him to her..you will always have a special place in my heart and used her maiden name..we have been married 17 years!
> And more..Am I being crazy for being pissed off so bad I joined a dating site and want very little to,do with her!
> I do love her and she swears they have never gotten together since they dated for 10 months prior to me.
> Am I crazy????
> Harlin


If you haven't read any messages that indicated face-to-face time, she is probably telling the truth.
However, that still isn't cool because she is keeping him as a possible alternate.


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## gr8ful1

Time for a polygraph on your wife. Have her write a full timeline including ALL details and tell her the timeline will be verified by the poly. Absolute MUST is sharing all these messages with the dude’s wife. Any pushback from her on any of these and it’s D time.


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## A18S37K14H18

You only know the tip of the iceberg.

You need to deal with reality OP.


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## Beach123

Diana7 said:


> You are right to be upset but joining a dating site is a really stupid idea. Hopefully you are not in contact with anyone or seeing anyone?


right. First things first - get your divorce finalized before dating. Proper order is key.


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## OnTheRocks

How far away is he? Does your wife show any red flags? Little / no / duty sex, hides phone, unaccounted for time, frequent 'girls' trips out of town, etc.


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## Mr. Nail

.


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## sokillme

So she was the other women then? Yeah that was a risk you took that wasn't worth it. 

People like your wife a literally the worst people to be married to.


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## ElOtro

Harlin said:


> but maybe I am naive..


May be you shouldn´t be


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## Harlin

Diana7 said:


> Then come off.


I will, thanks


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## Rus47

Harlin said:


> And more..Am I being crazy for being pissed off so bad I joined a dating site and *want very little to,do with her*!
> I do love her and *she swears they have never gotten together* since they dated for 10 months prior to me.
> Am I crazy????


No you are not crazy. You love who you thought she was. You have no idea who she really is today. Why is she having intimate convos with him if she didn't want to get back together with him.

Wanting nothing to do with her is a natural consequence of her stomping on your 17 year marriage. Is she having a MLC "awakening"? That seems to be a thing on a lot of these threads involving middle-aged married women wanting to revisit their youth and the men they were with then.

SHE is the one who needs to fix the problem SHE created. If she wants to.


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## VladDracul

My opinion is that if she hasn't "met up" with the cat, its due to logistics rather than her desire not to cheat on you. Anyway you look at it, there's a real romance going on between these two. Reminiscing over old times holding hands and snuggling in front of a fireplace years after thir 10 month adventure speaks volumes. He ditched her right? I've always found it easy to get back with a chick I ditched.


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## Casual Observer

@Harlin Some of this may be on you; you wrote-
*Crazy but he dumped her to go back to his wife and they still found time for each other!*

So am I reading correctly that she had an affair with a married man? This particular married man? And you got involved with her and didn't question her views of fidelity, loyalty and trust?


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## Evinrude58

I agree, if she hasn’t been boinking him, it’s because he hasn’t wanted to or the opportunity didn’t arise. The intent was there.

tgat being said, there’s a 99.9% chance in 17 years, it’s probably happened a LOT.
But even if it hasn’t, she still wanted to, abd still IS wanting to. Present tense.

Isn’t that a little hard to swallow? I’d serve her with papers and find a woman that sent ME sexy messages trying to get me in bed.
Life is too short to be married to this type of person.


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## Harlin

OnTheRocks said:


> How far away is he? Does your wife show any red flags? Little / no / duty sex, hides phone, unaccounted for time, frequent 'girls' trips out of town, etc.


No, she swears they never met after we were married and she was just being friendly. She does not want to jeopardize our marriage and has apologized many times in the past several days!


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## Harlin

Casual Observer said:


> @Harlin Some of this may be on you; you wrote-
> *Crazy but he dumped her to go back to his wife and they still found time for each other!*
> 
> So am I reading correctly that she had an affair with a married man? This particular married man? And you got involved with her and didn't question her views of fidelity, loyalty and trust?


They met on an online dating site and he was seperated. Same place we met.


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## Casual Observer

Harlin said:


> They met on an online dating site and he was seperated. Same place we met.


Separated is not divorced. And they got back together. That is a red flag. They were still married. Your wife was having an affair.


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## Rus47

She was the OW. OP should have thought about that before marrying her.


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## DudeInProgress

Harlin said:


> No, she swears they never met after we were married and she was just being friendly. She does not want to jeopardize our marriage and has apologized many times in the past several days!


So has she removed him from whatever messaging app/social program they were using to communicate?
Has she opened up all her devices to you, you have all her passwords?
And what is she doing to prove to you that they never met in person?


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## Casual Observer

Harlin said:


> They met on an online dating site and he was seperated. Same place we met.


Perhaps the better way of looking at this is if you would have considered sexual relations with someone who was still married but "separated." Being the "other man." Would that have been acceptable? If so, then perhaps you should have no issue with your wife's current state of affairs. No harm, no foul. What's good for the goose?

It's hard to believe how many people face obvious boundary issues like this, and wonder where the heck they came from. Oh wait. No it's not. My own situation is all about trust and vulnerability that went one-way. Assumptions about boundaries that were taken advantage of way-back-when. So there's that.


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## Max.HeadRoom

kids? if so dna test to see if u are daddy. even if u are it will show just how much trust has been destroyed. & if you are not, well that's something too.

but do it without the kids knowing if you can. I'm not my dad's son; been a weird ride so far


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## OnTheRocks

Harlin said:


> No, she swears they never met after we were married and she was just being friendly. She does not want to jeopardize our marriage and has apologized many times in the past several days!


You didn't really answer any of my questions in this response. You might be in denial, JFYI. Also, that is a REALLY friendly way for a married woman to speak to an ex. 

So again, has she shown any red flags like the examples I gave? How local is this guy to you?


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## Evinrude58

Harlin said:


> No, she swears they never met after we were married and she was just being friendly. She does not want to jeopardize our marriage and has apologized many times in the past several days!


You don’t actually believe even a syllable of that do you? Do you think a man keeps up a 17 yr relationship with no sex involved? Do you think you’d do that…. 17 years of just friends after cheating on his wife with your wife multiple times?

That’s illogical.

Cheaters don’t suddenly give you the full truth. It just doesn’t happen ever


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## Rus47

DudeInProgress said:


> And what is she doing to prove to you that they never met in person?


This. When I read someone trying to find out the truth from a wayward, using VARs, checking social media, going through the wayward's phone, being the marriage police, always wonder why it isn't the job of the wayward to prove they aren't cheating.


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## TRy

Harlin said:


> They met on an online dating site and he was seperated. Same place we met.


Being separated is not the same thing as being divorced. When he went back to his wife they did not have to get remarried. The whole purpose of separation is that it is a cooling off period that allows them to change their minds on the divorce. In the mind of the other man’s wife, your wife was the other woman that was competing with her for her husband. Your wife knew this. The very fact that the other man went back to his wife shows that the other man’s marriage was not over when your wife got involved with him. Thus it was not a clean and simple they were separated situation. The fact that your wife stayed in contact with the other man after he went back to his wife, shows your wife’s disrespect for the other man’s marriage and reinforces your wife’s other woman status. If the other man’s wife were posting on this site, she would be saying some bad things about your wife, and we would be agreeing with her.


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## seadoug105

sokillme said:


> So she was the other women then? Yeah that was a risk you took that wasn't worth it.
> 
> People like your wife a literally the worst people to be married to.


1000% agree

They always want (long for) what they can’t have. 

while projecting an “image” of happiness, with a dash of dissatisfaction

this keeps what they have but leaves open the ability to “re-write” the marital/relational history for the “Prize”


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## re16

Harlin said:


> They met on an online dating site and he was seperated.


Based on who's account? I would talk to his wife.... this special place in my heart bs that you just happened to see is likely the tip of an iceberg.

I bet his wife will tell you they were never separated and she knew nothing of your wife ever being in the picture.


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## ElOtro

Harlin said:


> Her to him..I think about you often ...
> Him to her..you will always have a special place in my heart and used her maiden name..we have been married 17 years!





Harlin said:


> No, she swears ... she was just being_ friendly_.


As it´s not my firts language I always appreciate the opportunities to polish my English.
It seems that each language also have each own semantic / cultural frame.
NOW I´ve learned something that would never imagined just by myself.

_*Those texts mean being friendly with an Ex!! *_

Thank you.


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## Ursula

Harlin said:


> I am just on there browsing, not looking for a connection!


You're not crazy to feel how you're feeling, but joining a dating site to "just browse" is a little crazy, not to mention very wrong. Do that AFTER you separate from your wife, if that's in fact what you're going to do.


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## ElOtro

Ursula said:


> Do that AFTER you separate from your wife, if that's in fact what you're going to do.


Agree with no reserves with the core of your advice.
As a solely personal view I would instead say " as that's what you should do"


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## bygone

No, she swears they never met after we were married and she was just being friendly. She does not want to jeopardize our marriage and has apologized many times in the past several days!


She's been seeing the man for 17 years and doesn't want to jeopardize the marriage?

Emotionally, it's betrayal.

It is more likely to be physical.

I'm assuming you live in the same city as the guy.

Staying in touch with a man she met online for 17 years is too long to do nothing.

You should offer a polygraph!


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## TAMAT

DNA the kids.

Contact the OM wife, collect your evidence, do not warn or threaten or they will concoct a story to tell OMW.

You also need to tell OMW of the affair your WW had with OM back then.

Your WW has already demonstrated a willingness to cheat with a married man when she cheated with OM when he was "separated"

You also need to find out if there were other affairs during your marriage.

17 years of contact wow, that contaminates a large block of your time.


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## thissucks7788

jonty30 said:


> If you haven't read any messages that indicated face-to-face time, she is probably telling the truth.
> However, that still isn't cool because she is keeping him as a possible alternate.


I agree with this. I don't necessarily think she is physically cheating...at least not with more evidence that proves otherwise. I would however investigate further.


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## Harlin

thissucks7788 said:


> I agree with this. I don't necessarily think she is physically cheating...at least not with more evidence that proves otherwise. I would however investigate further.


I can not investigate futrher, she deleted every trace of him and claims it was nothing and does not want to seperate or divorce. We are seeing a counselor in a few days!


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## Dictum Veritas

Harlin said:


> I can not investigate futrher, she deleted every trace of him and claims it was nothing and does not want to seperate or divorce. We are seeing a counselor in a few days!


You only delete what you need to hide when it becomes a topic of discussion. This is very unsettling indeed.

Have you thought about having the messages restored? You can do it with software or any technician at an electronics shop specializing in cellular devices can help you.


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## MattMatt

Harlin said:


> No, she swears they never met after we were married and she was just being friendly. She does not want to jeopardize our marriage and has apologized many times in the past several days!


Just being friendly to a former affair partner/lover.

"Officer, it's not what it looks like! I know I served time as a thief and a bank robber, but the reason I have a large stash of skeleton keys, breaking and entry tools, guns and ammunition and plans of bank vaults was just for old time's sake!"

This is/was a continuing emotional affair. Every moment of time she gave to him, every piece of emotional love she sent to him was time and emotional love that she stole from you.


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## Evinrude58

See above and reread for plain truth.


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## truststone

Men nowadays have no self respect they bend their morals and justify their wives cheating by saying stupid **** like am i crazy for thinking this, I love her (so what she doesnt love you if she cheated) , weve been together so long, i just found out she cheated and now i believe her when she says i wasnt gonna do this or that and oh yah i still love you and dont want to ruin our marriage lol , i'm sorry dont know what happened and what was ti hinking it wont EVER happen again ( your right it wont if i dont rugsweap but if he does i need to be more careful next time and yes i now see i wasnt wrong to cheat i do have a weak man damm i miss the other man already better stay low till the dust setttles!!!!!

really guys C'mon man she cheated now you go to counselling not knowing the complete truth
1) she says she stopped why ? only because you found out - you believe smh
2) she deleted all her messages why - because she doesnt want you to find out the real truth
3) Why havent you done a polygraph ??? man ( im too scared to find the real truth and i might just have to grow some balls and divorce her)
4) let me start being nice to her - why so she can love me and stay / stop this ( oh that right you beleieve she loves you and wont do it again
5) we are going to counselling - ( i want to get her and find the girl i married - oh wait so your going to counselling but dont know the full truth ) whose the idiot - rugsweep smh

sorry to be harsh but look at the action do you even realize what was done to you ?
why are you so eager to beleieve her??
why are you afraid to grow some ball?
ever wonder why when you start doing the 180 how they act towards you

listen we are all here to give you advice but you need the complete truth first NOt a trickled down version of ony what you found out ....
some points to consider
1) why do you think she thinks it okay to do what she did ?
no matter what she tells you before you go to counselling together you need to do
1) a polygraph
2) do IC
3) get divorce papers ready
4) need space away from her to figure out your ****
5) let the AP spouse know what happened and everyone in your family and hers - you cannot move on even if you want to R without exposing the truth - so she realizes what she through away
6) Start the 180
7) realize for you whole marriage she has lied to you the question is why , so the marriage you have is a shammm because it wasnt built on TRUST

LOVE cannot exist if the foundation of TRUST is not their or if TRUST has been violated ... its all a deception if trust is violated
6) should have NC


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## truststone

another poster on another site said it perfectly its "False peace of mind. There are many SAHM that brought their AP to the home while the husband was at work. There is a cheaters thread on another site where they brag about what they do behind their spouse’s back. If she was brazen enough to do what she has already there is nothing to stop her from doing it again. Certainly not what she feels for you.""


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## bygone

Your wife hid a man in the closet for 17 years, don't you want a polygraph?

You try your best to cover it up, trying to find something your wife can defend.

Your wife has no love for man. No s.., no dating.

The man has no other expectation than to chat with your wife.

Why are you going to therapy?

No one needs to feel sorry for a harmless relationship.


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## SpartaMe

Harlin said:


> Of course i had no idea until one day she left her messenger open and i saw some posts..such as
> Her to him..I think about you often and the Great memories we had together..
> Him to her..we did have some great memories..elvis, gettysburg, the snow
> And others
> Him to her..you will always have a special place in my heart and used her maiden name..we have been married 17 years!
> And more..Am I being crazy for being pissed off so bad I joined a dating site and want very little to,do with her!
> I do love her and she swears they have never gotten together since they dated for 10 months prior to me.
> Am I crazy????
> Harlin


Hi Paul, welcome to forum4travel


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## marko polo

Harlin said:


> I can not investigate futrher, she deleted every trace of him and claims it was nothing and does not want to seperate or divorce. We are seeing a counselor in a few days!


*You most definitely can investigate further.*

Install keylogger and spyware software so that you can not only monitor but also gather the proof you need to convince yourself she is cheating on you. 

Their interactions will go underground, they will likely exercise more caution and care when they communicate *but it will not stop. *She has been speaking to him for the entirety of your marriage so she won't stop anytime soon if ever.


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## Divinely Favored

Harlin said:


> Crazy but he dumped her to go back to his wife and they still found time for each other!


Is he still married? Tell the wife.


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## Divinely Favored

Harlin said:


> No, she swears they never met after we were married and she was just being friendly. She does not want to jeopardize our marriage and has apologized many times in the past several days!


Forensic computer specialist should be able to recover some stuff. If phone you can run recovery software. 17 yrs. Do you have access to her old phones? She deleted because there were damning things said.


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## Divinely Favored

Harlin said:


> I can not investigate futrher, she deleted every trace of him and claims it was nothing and does not want to seperate or divorce. We are seeing a counselor in a few days!


It is there unless maybe she factory reset it and wiped everything. Including what she wanted to keep.


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## TexasMom1216

Harlin said:


> I can not investigate futrher, she deleted every trace of him and claims it was nothing and does not want to seperate or divorce. We are seeing a counselor in a few days!


She can’t. Everything is backed up somewhere. While I personally believe that a breach of trust is in itself enough, I know many people want hard evidence for closure, and that is completely understandable. Check with your phone provider. If you pay the bill, they will give you the information. If that gives you peace and closure, do it.


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## uwe.blab

marko polo said:


> *You most definitely can investigate further.*
> 
> Install keylogger and spyware software so that you can not only monitor but also gather the proof you need to convince yourself she is cheating on you.
> 
> Their interactions will go underground, they will likely exercise more caution and care when they communicate *but it will not stop. *She has been speaking to him for the entirety of your marriage so she won't stop anytime soon if ever.


yeah seems like it is something that will pick up again at some point if they have a connection for nearly 2 decades.


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## MattMatt

As the OP hasn't been back to his thread of TAM in seven months. this thread is a zombie thread.


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