# Is the sex real?



## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Almost 3 weeks from Dday and my wife and I seem to be doing very well. We talk constantly, we're covering a lot of ground that should have been gone over years ago and we are feeling more connected than we have in over a decade. 

In addition we have had more sex in the past three weeks than we have in the 8 months. Which leads to my question.

Due to what we've been through I'm having a lot of trust issues. So all the sex we are having...is it about guilt and obligation or is it about truly wanting to be connected and physically with me? I can tell physically that she is 'there' with me and not going through motions, but I am just worried that once she feels she's done her 'penance' that we'll be back in the once a month rut which led us to the bad place where she strayed. 

Any guys out there who've been through this have any thoughts they can share?

Thanks


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

I had wondered the same thing. Also wondered if she was comparing me to him while we did it. It really messed with me to the point were I couldn't keep an erection with her. I would start out fine but the mind movies would start and then ...... It's been 9mos now and I still get the pictures in my head. I think she would have sex with me everyday if that was what I wanted.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

As the DS in my relationship I can tell you that when he and I are together it's just that. Just the two of us. I am with him physically because I want to be connected to him in all ways. I don't feel "obligated".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

StrugglingMan said:


> Almost 3 weeks from Dday and my wife and I seem to be doing very well. We talk constantly, we're covering a lot of ground that should have been gone over years ago and we are feeling more connected than we have in over a decade.
> 
> In addition we have had more sex in the past three weeks than we have in the 8 months. Which leads to my question.
> 
> ...


I think the only person who knows the true answer to your question is your wife.

You now know just how fundamentally important “effective” communication is in a marriage.

But communication is “strange” sometimes in that we know the words that the other person speaks but we don’t understand them. And from that perspective I don’t think these things are a failure in communication. I think they are a failure in understanding and accepting the values and beliefs of the person we are communicating with. And that is because they are so very different to our own values and beliefs.

So just ask your wife the questions you want answers to. And if you cannot understand her answers contemplate that that may be because you cannot understand her values and her beliefs. And if that is the case, then just “accept” her values and beliefs and play about with them in your mind for a while. That is, put yourself in your wife’s shoes and walk for a while in them and see where you go from there. In that way, you may come to know and understand your wife a little bit more than you do now.

Bob


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Another DS here and I will say emphatically that it was very real for us, probably as closely as we've ever emotionally connected during sex. As sex it was great, as a moment connecting with my wife it was beyond incredible. A few days later she actually commented and said these same things so I know I can speak for her on this as a LS.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

It's called hysterical bonding and is pretty common. Some people are able to keep it going, so good luck!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your penis ended up in her vagina. That's sex and it's real enough. Whether it changes anything remains to be seen, but getting laid beats not getting laid. It'd be bad manners to turn down such a thoughtful gift. I'd ride her like a stolen mule. If she still left, it wouldn't be because she wasn't getting great sex.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

StrugglingMan - 
Absolutely parallel and relevant issue with me, about a week or so ahead of you from DDay.

Just finished a fairly intense Q&A session with my wife, and one of the topics was exactly this. I told her flat-out I'm not interested in obligatory sex, or pity sex, or anything out of guilt -- and I needed her to share her true thoughts with me on this, even if it was unpleasant.

She was adamant and clear that if any of these were true, she'd not do it -- becasue frankly she'd be afraid that I'd know, and it would drive us (further) apart. That she wanted to be there, with me, enjoyed being there, and wanted the (re-)connection it helped to establish. The physical bond and the connection was and is important, and a building block to a better future, including a better sexual future 

I discussed with her the same trust issue you mention (although my wife didn't have sex in her A, it's still an issue); she understood, wanted to participate in the healing, and even asked me to "let it continue". I quickly same to realize through simple conversation that there's really less than zero reason not to let this aspect of our R have its rightful place, and frankly the improved communications about it have only added to the experience.

Good enough for me... hope it helps for you. Agree as usual with AFEH - talk to her, get it out in the open.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

2xloser,struggling man,my day isn't far form both of yours, and I am not near the understanding and accepting as you both. Our difference is, I'm female. 

It seems so few man have any problem being sexually intimate with the female way-ward spouse after the affair. The female way-ward spouse doesn't seem to have issues either.

I wonder, do men forgive the female way-ward easier than women forgive the male way-ward? Are we programed differently in that department?


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Sammy, I don't know if it is a general rule or not. I know a lot of guys would not stick around at all after a PA but I chose to. The sex was something that just kind of started happening as we talked and connected. I think the genuine remorse, coupled with the need to make that connection probably led us to the bedroom more often than not. Someone on another thread referred to something called hysterical bonding, where a couple will experience an increase in their sex drive as they work through a crisis like this. I don't know if that is what it is, but am going to keep working on us. And I am hopeful that as we normalize, this part of our marriage will stay accelerated.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Sammy, my wife made two comments that may be relevant to your question. First, after the first time we had sex after D Day (about three days) she said she wanted to be as close to me as possible and that intimacy was the way she expressed it. Second, she said had my affair been physical and emotional (mine was EA only) that having sex post D Day would have been very different and likely not at all.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

My husband was both EA and PA. It was his choice to leave the bedroom, I never asked. Oh strugglingMan, your so forgiving. i wish you had extra to spare...

~sammy


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Let me clarify,... "It was his choice to leave the bedroom," our bedroom, since D-day was uncovered, bc he said he wanted to give me space. I'm finding it really difficult reaching out and back to him, hencs, strugglingman...


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Sammy, everybody forgives in their own way and in their own time. I still have days where I am sad and angry with her for doing this to our life, but mostly I just remind myself that she is human and she made a mistake. She has said she will continue to work on this to make things better and we are getting better one day at a time. 

I don't know that there will ever be a day that I trust her unreservedly again, but I hope to get close to it. Right now, I have doubts about everything but I do the best I can to be positive and straightforward. 

You need to tell your husband that he needs to be reaching out to you. Giving you space is nice, if you ask for it. I didn't. We didn't leave each others' side for three days after the initial d-day. We talked constantly, cried alot and held each other continually. Even now, she reaches out to touch me to make sure I'm ok every time we are together. I know things like that will fade, but they are helpful and healing and I know she cares.

We are facing a struggle this week with the OM being in Town, but we are talking about it, planning for it and facing it together. 

Reach out to your husband when you are ready. There is no timetable or playbook that says when all these things have to happen.

Good luck! Stay strong. We're all here for you.


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Your penis ended up in her vagina. That's sex and it's real enough. Whether it changes anything remains to be seen, but getting laid beats not getting laid. It'd be bad manners to turn down such a thoughtful gift. I'd ride her like a stolen mule. If she still left, it wouldn't be because she wasn't getting great sex.


This is absolutely true........enjoy it while it lasts....


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity

Q: Why do I want to have sex with FWS? Submitted by Dlee

A: Upon being confronted with the undeniable reality that their most trusted spouse has betrayed them with another, some BS's experience an overwhelming sexual desire for their wayward spouse. Many couples claim to have had the best, most intense and loving sex of their relationship during the period following the discovery of an affair, (generally a few weeks to several months), often trying new things and experimenting in ways they had never considered before. This phenomenon is termed "Hysterical Bonding. 

There is very little information on this phenomenon, but it appears to be a primal, instinctual way for the partners to reconnect and reclaim each other. While it may feel counter-intuitive to the BS; as if they are "rewarding" the WS for the affair, hysterical bonding can be a stepping stone to reconciliation. The intimacy encourages communication and a closeness that may otherwise take some time to re-build. 

The occurrence or absence of hysterical bonding does not appear to be an indicator of successful reconciliation. Many other factors, such as the WS's remorse and openness are far more reliable indicators. Hysterical bonding is, however, normal, and nothing for the BS to be alarmed about or ashamed about experiencing. In fact, it has been said it is the one positive in an otherwise long and miserable experience, so enjoy it while it lasts!


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