# Expecting too much, need real opinions please!



## SaltLake (Aug 2, 2010)

Hi, first time posting here. Hoping to get some objective opinions on my current situation.

About 2 weeks ago I had what I considered a major disappointment from my wife. Now I just feel empty and feel completely out of love, interest, compassion, etc. 

Here's what happened. 2 weeks ago the night before my wife was to have a C-section she was on the phone with a girlfriend and I overheard her say that she was a little loose lipped with the sex of our unborn child with her friends in town. This was a shock to me because even though she had accidentally found out the sex because the technician accidentally told her at a sonogram session, she had promised to keep it to herself because I did not want to know. I had made it very clear how important it was to me that I did NOT want to find out and that the "surprise" when the doctor announces the sex was very important to me. I also told her how important it was that no one else should know. Now the night before I found out she blabbed it to her townnie friends whom she is not close with and which I do not particularly like. I was livid! And when i told her I was upset that she did not keep her promise she basically told me to get over it and it was not a big deal. It was still going to be a surprise at least to me. I was so disappointed that I, the father, was not the first, second or third to know, but at LEAST 4th to know behind her idiot town friends. I lost the privilege of being the first (or at least second) to know. Something I thought of as a right of being the father.

Now for some background, if this was an isolated slip up I could get over it. But i find i can't get over it because she has on several important moments in my/our lives completely ruined the moment. I'd like your opinion on this part. I am the type of person who really enjoys and desires those certain special moments in life. Some may think oh such and such is just an another day but i hold these "moments" close to my heart and soul. Here are the other examples of moments she has effectively ruined for me.
1. Engagement announcement. After i asked her to make an announcement at her families Christmas party she decides to start telling people one by on as soon as she gets to the party (30+ people). No announcement, no cheer of appreciation, no bit of clapping or handshakes. Afterwards some people heard it third party. It made the whole thing inconsequential.
2. When we were trying to get pregnant the first time I asked her repeatedly to surprise me with the news. Instead she told me in detail every little step and then she told me she felt pregnant, then told me she would test, then showed me the stick. Another "special moment, a first" ruined.
3. My 40th birthday. As my birthday approached I asked her to make a big deal, do something special, get all my friends involved. It was important to me. What she did was wait until 2 weeks before my birthday send out an evite and because it was so close to Christmas and there was no advance notice we ended up having only 6 people to my house for dinner. All my other friends had big 20-30 people parties at a restaurant. Major disappointment.
4. And now this, she couldn't keep her mouth shut and let other people know the sex of the baby before I got to find out.

Here's my question. Am I being selfish? I feel these are very important things in life and because I know she seems to be clueless I let her know exactly how important these things are to me and what I want her to do. To me it doesn't seem to difficult, its not like asking for something very far fetched. 

I now feel resentful that she robbed my of these moments in life. Moments and firsts that I can not recreate. I am utterly disappointed in her and with the last incident can barely contain my anger. Am I being unreasonable? Am I placing too much importance top these "moments". I feel like my feelings for her are completely gone. Every time I see some commercial where the wife surprises the husband with pregnancy news or a great surprise as the doctor announces the sex of the newborn, I am silently fuming and she is oblivious what bad memories are flowing through me. 

Opinions please. Thanks!


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

In my mind? Yes, you are being unreasonable and you are robbing yourself of those moments, not her. 

I'll be honest, with my personality I wouldn't be able to do well with you and your expectations either. I'm not saying your bad person or anything at all. I'm just saying your wife may have a personality more like mine, a global personality. The fact that you have a child is the special moment, not being the 1st or 2nd to find out the sex. The fact that you got pregnant was the special moments, not the fact that she tried to involve you.

You two just have to come to a solution that works well enough for both of you. I do agree she should probably work a bit harder because you do place an importance on moments like that. On some things she needs to just keep her mouth closed. But, you need to work on not making such a fuss when things don't go exactly how YOU have planned in your mind, work to lessen those little moments and focus on the big picture.


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## SaltLake (Aug 2, 2010)

I had a feeling that might be the response. I understand that certain things may not go my way or the exact way I want them too. I do sort of have a Hollywood movie running in my head of how special moments should happen. The thing is I try so hard to make special moments for her and my kids that I would appreciate some effort back for me. She tells me I may not get the reaction I am looking for when i do these things but on every occasion they love when I put something together for them. Why can't she do it for me? I hear what you're saying but am I doomed to have all the important moments slip by in life without fanfare or uniqueness. Just imagine if your husband (assuming you're married) instead of popping the question in some unique way just decided to bring you to the ring shop and had you pick the ring then just gave it to you the next day. What kind of memory is that? That's how I feel.


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## SaltLake (Aug 2, 2010)

Oops I had assumed this was a female responding , sorry i think I made the wrong assumption but you can still understand my example.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

SaltLake said:


> Why can't she do it for me?


I agree, if it's that important to you she should work to meet you somewhere in the middle on things. We all do things in a marriage for our spouse that aren't necessarily what we would do alone. She should make it a point to give you those moments every once in a while, I agree.



SaltLake said:


> I hear what you're saying but am I doomed to have all the important moments slip by in life without fanfare or uniqueness.


See, that's what I don't understand. Why does a special moment need fanfare? To me, special moments are all around us all of the time. Sitting down watching TV realizing you are with the love of your life. Seeing the sun set behind your child while he's smiling. For me, giving it fanfare takes away from the moment and makes it a show. 



SaltLake said:


> Just imagine if your husband (assuming you're married) instead of popping the question in some unique way just decided to bring you to the ring shop and had you pick the ring then just gave it to you the next day. What kind of memory is that? That's how I feel.


When I proposed to my wife I did do it via singing a song to her while playing it on the piano. BUT I did not give her the ring at the time. We went out the next day because I wanted her to pick out the exact ring she wanted. 

For my 30th birthday I too was hoping for a big party, get together, something special. I ended up not getting any of that. I was kind of upset for a bit, sure. But, in the end over the scope of my whole life 1 birthday does not lessen or ruin all of my past or future moments.

I don't know your marriage, so I can only comment by what you have posted here. But, to consider separating just because the small moments don't work out exactly how you dream them to be? By you posting this in the divorce/separation area to me personally seems a bit silly. 

Please be aware I am not trying to downplay that your feelings are hurt and that you don't have a legitimate complaint. But, I'm just trying to make sure you don't throw out the baby with the bathwater.


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## SaltLake (Aug 2, 2010)

Thanks Crypsys. You're right the post might not be in the right section, but I'm new and didn't see a section that would be more appropriate. 
Although I have only pointed out a few items there are lots of other things that are disillusioning me. I guess these items are some of the hot buttons that just gets me angry everytime they come up. I agree with you that there are little special moments everyday. And I have those. But there are also special big moments. I am one who likes to be the center of attention once in a blue moon. Those are big to me and those are the ones missing. These things seem like such no brainer things to do for your spouse yet she messed them up consistently. While I know it is not intentional I find it frustrating that she doesn't "get it". And its not like I don't tell her before hand. As i am writing this i am realizing that it more about that he doesn't ever do anything special for me. I've had girlfriends before that would do all sorts of creative things for me but it doesn't happen with my wife. Its the complete opposite. I'm just disappointed.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I think you are being unreasonable. If your wife was able to tell friends the sex of the child without you finding out, then I think she did what you asked. Maybe not EXACTLY - but the important moment of being surprised at the birth was kept intact.

B-days? I have two young kids - bday parties are THE WORLD to them - yet most parents don't give more than a week's warning. So your wife giving two weeks notice sounds reasonable to me.

At this point, my B-days (I'm only 38) are more about my kids - they are the ones that get excited about getting or making presents for me, and they are the ones who get REAL excited about cake!

Relax and enjoy your life. It won't be perfect. Especially now that you are a Father.

Good luck!


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Was the point of getting engaged to have everyone shout congratulations or was it to marry the woman you loved?

Was the point of getting pregnant to be surprised (so you could have your commercial style moment) or was it to have a baby with your wife - a miracle created by the 2 of you?

Your birthday - if you wanted a big shindig - why not just plan it yourself? People do that all the time and get exactly what they want.

The baby's sex - she is excited - can you blame her? She wants to discuss plans for the nursery or whatever because she did happen to find out what sex the baby is - she did however, refrain from telling you - as requested. Does it really somehow cheapen the moment in the hospital when the doctor looks at you and says you have a beautiful daughter or a handsome son?

Is it really worth the 'moment' if it really isn't a surprise - but something staged and choreographed by you and you hand the script to your wife and say do it this way so that I can remember it?


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

SaltLake said:


> Thanks Crypsys. You're right the post might not be in the right section, but I'm new and didn't see a section that would be more appropriate.


Ahh, okay I was wondering! No harm, no foul! 



SaltLake said:


> Although I have only pointed out a few items there are lots of other things that are disillusioning me. I guess these items are some of the hot buttons that just gets me angry everytime they come up.


As others have said in some other posts some if it needs to be worked out by expressing your concerns with your with wife. Also, you can work on your own perception of what bothers you as well.



SaltLake said:


> These things seem like such no brainer things to do for your spouse yet she messed them up consistently. While I know it is not intentional I find it frustrating that she doesn't "get it".


And honestly I don't "get it" either SaltLake. It's something that isn't a no-brainer for people like her and I. It's up to you to help her see what it really means. It may feel like your beating your head against a wall at times. But you need to be calm, loving and understanding to get her to understand what it means to you. I doubt she intentionally does this (although I can't know for sure).



SaltLake said:


> And its not like I don't tell her before hand. As i am writing this i am realizing that it more about that he doesn't ever do anything special for me. I've had girlfriends before that would do all sorts of creative things for me but it doesn't happen with my wife. Its the complete opposite. I'm just disappointed.


Here is where you changing your own perception can help. Is it she doesn't NOTHING for you? Or is it that she's just not doing it the way you are expecting? Different people have different perceptions of the same thing. Maybe to her she's showing her love to you differently. Have you two tried taking the love languages test to see where you both express and expect love? It could be you both don't understand (or know) each others love language.

5 Love Languages Test


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