# His anger getting dangerous...what do I do?



## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

Yesterday I was saying I was concerned about our dog...I am so attached to him and he is like my baby. I expressed it as a personal thing because I had this dog 3 years before met my husband. My husband assumed I was saying that he did not care as much as I did and immediately raised his voice and told me he loves our dog more than I possibly could. Was that necessary? When we are talki g abojt things...work history, job experience, etc., he finalizes conversations with statements that are basically like, "I know more than you possibly could on everything." This is in the heat of a moment but why does he go there? It couldn't possibly be true. I am two years olderand spent 8 years in management and don't flaunt it but do always offer advice from ton loads of experience...trial and error...so on and so on. I try to contribute to our marriage. I am used to being able to contribute and offer ideas and point out red flags without getting my head bitten off. 

So here is the thing...during the blowup about our dog...(and how ridiculous is it that we would have an explosive argument over the fact that we both love our dog) when he said he loved our dog more than I possibly could I got upset and said no baby I am not talking about how much you love him I am just trying to express my feelings. I kept trying to say this but he flipped and started hitting me with a box that was in the car and then he swerved the car and weaved it to the side of the road....then he punched the windshield and broke it...thenhe punched the rear view mirror and it is loose now...then he got out of the car and walked to a bridge and sat up on the rail (high up) until I moved the car to the side of the road and caught up with him and followed him around until he ended up back at the car. 

This is so extreme. We are very close. We spend almost every moment of every day together. But he blows up and breaks things...throws things...hurts himself. He blamed me for how he displayed his anger (the broken things). He has given me an ultimatum that if an argument escalates like that and I don't stop talking...we are through. He claims his therapist told me this but his therapist said we are each responsible for ourselves. The therapist said the best thing is for me to stop talking but should all the weight of our marriage lasting fall on my shoulders? If he has a free pass for the fact that he will blow up...how am I expected to control my feelings, guaranteed every time...or else lose the marriage. What can I do? I make mistakes and blow up, too! I don't take my anger out the same way but I sure do lose my temper. 

If I just shut up I will be the quiet wife with no opinion. Can I tell him that if HE wants the marriage to last than HE needs to control his anger? I know marriage includes this kind of stuff and it doesn't scare me and I would never threaten to walk away over it but he seems so willing to just give up even though he adores me . When he was three his parents had an explosive fight where his mom kicked his dad out and it ended in a divorce. I can't count how many times he has told me, during an argument, to get out of HIS house. Excuse me? I am his wife!! When we get into an argument everything is his. Aren't we a team?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Tell him it needs to stop and he needs to seek IC or you will leave him. Tell him so he knows what is on the table and be prepared to follow up with action.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

angstire said:


> Tell him it needs to stop and he needs to seek IC or you will leave him. Tell him so he knows what is on the table and be prepared to follow up with action.


I'm not going to leave or threaten to. I love him. I adore him. These blowups happen once a day to once a week...I know we can work on it. He knows, too, but it doesn't stop the blow ups. Could it be medication causing his emotional rollercoaster? What is IC?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

individual counseling. I'm in it for anger management issues and I haven't broken anything or hit my SO. 

If you're not willing to stand up for yourself, he will continue to act how he wishes. He has no incentive to change.

My wife didn't let me know how much this hurt her and made it feel unsafe. She built resentment towards me until her love for me died. If she had told me how much I was hurting her, I would have made changes in myself, that, honestly I need to make anyway.

Tell him how he's hurting you and what the consequence may be. If it's not real for him, he won't change.

Can't say on medication. That's where an IC would help with examining everything that's going on.

My advice is make this about how YOU feel. Use I statements. Tell him how his behavior makes you feel and what's at risk. Then observe what he does. Does he go to IC? Does he try to calm down? Does he blame you for getting angry?

Tell him how you feel. Tell him the consequence. Then observe his actions.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...please be careful. It is fairly easy for a mentally unstable guy to kill a woman.

...it sounds like your husband has some issues. They could easily be medication-related. They could be personality-disorder-related. They could be something else. On the bright side, it does sound like he's trying to exercise some minimal control on the physical stuff by asking you to be quiet. Think of his requests as asking for a timeout while he tries to control his emotions. CBT/DBT might be wise.

...the other problem is that it sounds like you are contributing to the escalation in an unhealthy way. Usually, when someone in a discussion is having trouble regulating their emotions, the healthy choice is for both people to request and respect a timeout instead of continuing the discussion. There are courses on marital communications (Mastering the Mysteries of Love is good, and free) that might be helpful. It might also be sensible to try some individual counseling.

It would be good to talk to a professional - in particular, a domestic violence counselor. They are typically free. I am inexperienced, but this sounds more like situational violence (where 2 people fight until they hit each other) instead of abuse (where 1 person beats another person to control them).

Realistically, if you two continue on a path where you both tend to blow up, refuse to walk away, and become violent when you're upset, you'll be better off with divorce. Maybe you each could try to come up with a plan for conflict reduction based on personal responsibility?

Like, eg, you could both try to walk away before either person loses control. And try to validate the other person if they seem upset. 

--Argyle


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

laroo said:


> I kept trying to say this but he flipped and started hitting me with a box that was in the car and then he swerved the car and weaved it to the side of the road....then he punched the windshield and broke it...thenhe punched the rear view mirror and it is loose now...then he got out of the car and walked to a bridge and sat up on the rail (high up) until I moved the car to the side of the road and caught up with him and followed him around until he ended up back at the car.
> 
> This is so extreme. We are very close. We spend almost every moment of every day together. But he blows up and breaks things...throws things...hurts himself. He blamed me for how he displayed his anger (the broken things). He has given me an ultimatum that if an argument escalates like that and I don't stop talking...we are through. He claims his therapist told me this but his therapist said we are each responsible for ourselves. T
> 
> If he has a free pass for the fact that he will blow up...how am I expected to control my feelings, guaranteed every time...or else lose the marriage.


Your husband is abusive. 

You need to see that for yourself.

How funny that he gets a pass to break things and hit you and you just have to take it.How funny that he blames you for everything HE does (things he does of his own volition). How funny that he tells you if you disagree with him, it's over.

It gets worse over time.

He may wake up and see the light one day but it is rare for an abuser.

His behavior is not ok in any way/shape or form.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sweetie, his anger is not your responsibility. You are not to blame if his anger goes uncontrolled (and it will). When he loses his cool you cannot reason with him and you are at risk. You are responsible if you remain quiet. My STBXH was/is verbally abusive, paranoid, fits of anger, depressive. I was blamed for him losing his temper and punching through the windshield of our car. I was blamed for his infidelity. Other things happened and I could not stay in the marriage. I did not feel safe, and I was scared for the kids. Everything that he has said and done since I ended the marriage makes me realize I did the right thing. Without help, your H will not get better and you are not responsible. You can tell him you are unwilling to live this way and he can leave or he can get help. I tried that with my STBXH, but when I said that he as suffering a major depressive episode and literally could not get help on his own. I took him to the MD. He went to counseling for a while and quit. That was his choice, and it was not my responsibility. 
If he is suffering from a mental impairment, regardless of the label, his condition will not improve on its own, and neither will your marriage.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

PLEASE get yourself out of this situation. Reading your story scares me for you.

This is NOT normal. You love him, and you respect him, but he obviously does not love or respect you.

Until he gets into IC and actually commits to it, your life is quite literally in danger. Please be careful, be safe, and get yourself someplace where he can't hurt you.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

I have a big anger management problem and can be quite loud when I'm mad and say a lot of terrible things, but the one thing that I'm not & never will be is _physically_ abusive towards women and would only strike another man if he strikes me first or is threatning to. This is something my wife was worried about in the beginning but finally realizes that I am very very *hands off* during my outbursts with her, and even when my ex began hitting me I never once struck her back.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Stand up for you self. That is stupid behavior and one that could get him tossed in jail. Loosing it like that and not caring who, what, where, and when is not cool.

You love the dog...fought over the dog and who loves him more??? I think you both need some IC that is the stupidest thing for the both of you to fight over....work on your self asap. Nudge him in the direction of fixing his stuff before he does something more or is busted in his tantrum and tossed in jail you were in public after all...he is not hiding his abuse just thinks he can get away with it or needs some serious intervention.

I would have called 911 if my husband freaked out like that and sat at the top of the bridge (I would fear he might actually be telling me he is suicidal) you however took that manipulation, he spoon feed you it. 

I would share this use of "Free pass" with the counselor and that either your husband is abusing it or there needs to be some one fired for the lame job they did before some one ends up dead at the end of your man's tantrum. ever think he might punt you puppy in a fit?? If he can and smash up all kinds of stuff then maybe thinking about the dog might make you see his bs for what it is.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

laroo said:


> I'm not going to leave or threaten to. I love him. I adore him..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



My co-worker had the same situation.

She said the same thing as you.

I think you should talk to her.

Oh, wait, you can't. 

She's dead. He's in jail. Her children orphaned. 

If he cannot control himself over a dog you are in danger. Stop deluding yourself.

He needs help. Fast. 

You need to get out. Faster.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Anger control issues don't stop until:

1. You leave him.
2. He seeks counseling and maybe medication.
3. You are dead.

Sorry to say but staying in a abusive relationship will literally be hazardous to your health. If you feel threaten in any way call the cops, change the locks and get a restraining order.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

He is an abuser. You are a victim of abuse.

He also has an anger problem but not all angry people abuse their partners. His therapist is wrong or he is lying to him/her or the therapist is not an expert in abusers.

Read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

His "I know more than you do" about everything is classic emotional abuse. Your "opinions" must agree with his or his "anger" comes out.

Now the bad news - he will not change because he is internally "rewarded" each time he abuses you. He is in complete control of it because I am sure he doesn't behave like this outside the home.

There are good counselors & programs for abusers out there but the success rate for change is low.

I feel very bad for you because you are so love with him that you have taken leaving him off the table. You are a good person who deserves a life free of abuse. I'm glad you posted here for advice & maybe you will reconsider your position before you get seriously injured.


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