# Over 30 Days Separated - No changes



## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

Hello,

My H and I have been separated for over 35 days now. I am staying with family about 3 hours away.

We have been married for 14 months. I am 43 and he is 44. Both have grown children. We married after only dating long distance for 6 months. I felt so certain God put us together. We seemed to have many interests, went to the same high school and kind of knew each other as kids. We had both been single for 7 and 10 years.

It seemed so providential. It has been soo very hard. He admits to not being able to connect or how to "love" someone well because of his childhood. He is very passive aggressive and we have not been intimate in over 9 months. THere is no affair on any part or porn. He is in AA now because of alcohol abuse tho. 

I had to finally move out and give us some space. I was very patient at the beginning but have become very angry at his avoidance behavior. He will ignore my texts for up to 5 days, not call me, withhold money, refuse to help me pay for things. I sacrificed a very good job to move to him, sold my house, got rid of my dog, left my family and friends. I was so ready to do so to be with my love. I had waited so long to remarry. 

I am soo hurt about the lack of intimacy and his purposeful avoidance of me. He knows through many convos that communication and connection is important to me. He has not connected with my boys ages 20 and 18. They really liked him and wanted so much for me to be happy and admired him. My H has basically failed to try to connect with them and even defriended one of them on FB. It hurt my son so much. 

So now.. here is my part in the failure. I was so patient at first with this thinking that it was growing pains. I have yelled, said mean things back to him. Told him I want to divorce and move on. I have been completely open and honest about my feelings and desires. Now that I am separated I hoped he would SHOW me he cares and not just talk. It has been more of the same. Its like he is giving me the 180. I wont react well to this. I need to see he cares and will fight for us. Ignoring me for days, not answering my messages or not calling me doesn't make me want to try. So I told him 3 days ago that I will be sending the papers for him to review. I downloaded them online because we would have a very simple D with no shared assests or debts, no kids etc. He is not answering me or attempting to contact or discuss anything. I guess he just wants me to go through with it.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

You've only known each other 20 months.

6 of those 20 months was a long distance relationship.

No way you two should've married. Neither of you seem like marriage material. He's an addict. He has un-addressed FOO issues. You seem to want him to be something he's not. You moved out, and when he didn't respond the way you wanted him to, you threw a fit and got angry. It's like you're throwing a tantrum because your manipulation tactics didn't have the desired effect.

He has clearly checked out. 

File and end it. Follow through with your promises.

Move on. Work on you. Google the Victim or Drama Triangle. 

Who are you? Victim? Rescuer? Persecutor?? 

Now re-read your story you've typed here. See how you play all three roles? 

Work on yourself, and you will find that you won't attract, or be attracted to, people like him.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

TF - I'm sorry you are going through this. 3Strikes is right, although he has a hard way of saying it. I agree that it's best if you move on, hard as that may be.


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

Wow... this was harsh. I am not finding much support in this forum at all. I guess unless you are a cheater or a victim of cheating with some huge dramatic story then the marriage isn't worth fighting for on this site. Yes, it's only been 20 months but it's still my marriage and still means something to me. I will certainly read the victim triangle and see what how I am contributing. I don't see myself as the victim although in some ways I have been attacked and mistreated by my husband. Of course you are not privy to all of that and perhaps my post wasn't complete enough. How is that you have decided I am not marriage material? You don't know me.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I think your alias as Tooth Fairy is very telling as this relationship was a bit of a Fairy Tale. You really didn't know him, you knew a 17 year old boy many years ago. What he grew up to be was different. Your relationship was a whirlwind and long distance. This allowed him to appear to be one thing and someone else in reality. 

You state that you want him to do more to show you. This statements assumes that he is at fault and it is his responsibility to fix. Before I can give you any advice I would need to know what are the problems? Why did you decide to leave? Was there a purpose to the separation and a plan to fix the marriage? Have you tried counselling? Did you know he had a drinking problem before you married? Do you want to fix the marriage or are you wanting to divorce?


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

I have decided to let this thread end. VFW thank you for your post. I chose my avatar because I am in pediatric dentistry. I have been thinking about this so much and spend so much of my time turning events and conversations in my head I need to take a break. Thank you.


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