# Just told my wife I knew about her emotional affair.



## Dist-rest (Aug 21, 2012)

For months I have been going with Plan A and no matter what I did things kept deteriorating. My wife has been lost in the fog ever since this man chose another woman (a friend of hers) over her, and won't come out of it. This man is one of her vendors, so she needs to talk to him once or twice a week for work, and needs to meet with him once a week or so.

She still won't admit to it, even though I have evidence, but I won't show it to her since I'm hoping she will come out and tell me on her own. 

She has gone from happy and easy to communicate with, to defensive and impossible to talk to. We had a blow up last night because I asked if she would be more comfortable if we didnt share a bed (she doesn't want to kiss me anymore, and has told me she has no desire for intimacy), since I feel like I have to force myself on her to have sex. That is why I came out and finally told her.

We have been married for 8 years, have three kids, and she has pretty much shut me out for years now. We are finally seeking therapy as a couple.

What steps would you all recommend from here? I can't really talk to her since she feels insulted whenever I ask her how she feels, tells me I'm nagging when I tell her what I want, and tells me I have unrealistic expectations when she doesnt fulfill her promises.

Any help is appreciated.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

So your happy with being her plan B ??


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

OK, my take.

Drop the therapy. Use the money elsewhere. It's pointless when she is still in the affair.

Establish the extent of the affair (how are you certain there wasn't a PA?). Use voice-activated recorders, keyloggers and call history on provider's side.

Expose the affair, especially if the other man is in a relationship.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

More than likely you are being gaslighted and it will continue even if you use the evidence. Cease and desist is what you need her to do. I suggest using the 180 and letting her clearly know that you will not tolerate any of her attention going to any OM (other men/man) when it could be used for you and your family. Her actions need consequences. When there are none it will only escalate and go underground causing anger, frustration and a willingness to meet the OM and make it physical. Are you sure this is a purely EA?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

snap said:


> OK, my take.
> 
> Drop the therapy. Use the money elsewhere. It's pointless when she is still in the affair.
> 
> ...


Exactly.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

If your wife has checked out of the marriage, I suggest you run the 180.
The Healing Heart: The 180
The 180 means changing your behaviors 180 degrees from what hasn't worked. These behaviors will help you emotionally detach from her and prepare yourself to move on. Then, you file for separation and/or divorce.

Sometimes, a wife will see her husband preparing himself to move on and realize that a divorce is imminent and will be unpleasant. At that point, she will recommit to the marriage. Although, sometimes, wives who have checked out of the marriage just want out.

Good luck.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

It's been said over and over again, you can't nice them out of an affair. Since you have 3 kids with her, she pretty much has no fear of losing you. 

She is still hung up on OM or already has a new OM. She can never truly go NC with this OM as long as she sees him. That just reinforces the affair in her head. She probably wants to him OM back from her former friend, so her emotional energy is spent on this and is the reason why she's totally unremorseful. And since she's unremorseful, then you cannot proceed to R.


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## Dewy (Aug 29, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> More than likely you are being gaslighted and it will continue even if you use the evidence. Cease and desist is what you need her to do. I suggest using the 180 and letting her clearly know that you will not tolerate any of her attention going to any OM (other men/man) when it could be used for you and your family. Her actions need consequences. When there are none it will only escalate and go underground causing anger, frustration and a willingness to meet the OM and make it physical. Are you sure this is a purely EA?


move fast , do not wimp out be a man and put your foot down, 
Dont worry about losing her you have lost her already, make her face the possibility of losing you. lay the law down and then back it up with actions


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

So she was having an EA (at least) with the OM, and he chose another woman over her, and now she's still hung-up on him, and probably willing to do anything to get him back.

What is your proof of the EA? I'm guessing it has already gone physical. If you don't have solid proof you need to get it. Then file for divorce and be prepared to go through with it.


The OM may just have some scruples and not want to be involved with a married woman.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

Dist-rest said:


> For months I have been going with Plan A and no matter what I did things kept deteriorating. My wife has been lost in the fog ever since this man chose another woman (a friend of hers) over her, and won't come out of it. This man is one of her vendors, so she needs to talk to him once or twice a week for work, and needs to meet with him once a week or so.


As long as she sees him, the EA is still going on. It could become one-sided because seeing him sparks the memories and feelings of the "Rush". 

As long as she still sees him and is reminded of her EA and the emotions that she tricked herself into feeling, then there can be R. 



> I can't really talk to her since she feels insulted whenever I ask her how she feels, tells me I'm nagging when I tell her what I want, and tells me I have unrealistic expectations when she doesnt fulfill her promises.


I don't really see any remorse for what she has done. A remorseful wife would have no problem answering her husband's questions and complying with his demands for R. Remorse is judged on the merits of action and not words (and she is, even, failing at words).

I would reconsidered R.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Dist-rest said:


> For months I have been going with Plan A and no matter what I did things kept deteriorating. My wife has been lost in the fog ever since this man chose another woman (a friend of hers) over her, and won't come out of it. This man is one of her vendors, so she needs to talk to him once or twice a week for work, and needs to meet with him once a week or so.
> 
> She still won't admit to it, even though I have evidence, but I won't show it to her since I'm hoping she will come out and tell me on her own.
> 
> ...


Let me get this straight your wife was potentially willing to go after another man. The only reason she didn't have a PA is cause he chose someone else. What where is your anger? Why would you not nip this crap in the bud when you first discovered this. 
You just said you wanted your wife to come out of the fog herself. That's like saying I want a crackhead to get clean all by there self. You are not dealing with a person thinking rationally. That's why cheaters don't leave their spouses because deep down they know that the relationship is Bull crap. They enjoy the rush of a new tumultuous relationship with the backing of a stable relationship. 

You need to wake up my friend and set some boundaries quick. Your wife should have never gotten this close. You need to give her an emotional relationship *****slap (not a physical one). Expose her to her family and friends. 
This should tell you that your wife is emotionally open to having an Affair. If it isn't this guy it will be someone else. She is looking and if you don't nip this in the bud and get some stuff worked out in your marriage. Then be prepared to come home one day and find out your wife is having another EA/PA.


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## Dist-rest (Aug 21, 2012)

Thank you all for your input.

To clarify, this guy has left her in the dust, she let herself go, gained 20 lbs, won't talk to her friend that is with this OM, and has this sense of worthlessness, self pity, and feels unatractive because of it.

She's had EA before, don't think it got physical, she's not a very sexual person, and never was when we meet.

Just want her to come clean, talk to me about it, and come back to reality. 

I seem to do everything around the house, make good money, and wait on her hand and foot. Everything she complained about before is taken care of, now she tells me that she doesnt understand why she appears to be so miserable in the marriage considering she gets everything she ever asked for.

Tried 180, lasted 3 days before she blew up on me.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Dist-rest said:


> Thank you all for your input.
> 
> To clarify, this guy has left her in the dust, she let herself go, gained 20 lbs, won't talk to her friend that is with this OM, and has this sense of worthlessness, self pity, and feels unatractive because of it.
> 
> ...


So? Did you blow up on her as well? You know that you have every right to.

Try the 180 again. Begin now. If she "blows up", so what? Walk away. Stop waiting on her, she is a grown woman who can do for herself or go without. Stop doing things around the house unless YOU need it done for yourself. Let her fend for herself.

Really my friend. You are the injured party here. Stop rewarding her for hurting you.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ thats good. 

180 is for you, not for her. 

The fact that shes blowing up means your 180 is positioning you out from under her thumb while she mourns the loss of OM. Get back on it.

Also, find your balls to be blunt. I would not put up with one day of my significant other having the audacity to act all sad in sh!t in front of me because her planned affair failed. 

I'd kick her 20 pounds heavier ass to the curb if I was in your shoes.

Thats completely unacceptable and its time for you to stop accepting it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Dist-rest said:


> Thank you all for your input.
> 
> To clarify, this guy has left her in the dust, she let herself go, gained 20 lbs, won't talk to her friend that is with this OM, and has this sense of worthlessness, self pity, and feels unatractive because of it.
> 
> ...



Keep doing it. She was neglecting emotionally and physically you all this time. She needs to know she is losing you if this continues. 

And regarding the PA, many BS do not realize how sexual their wives can be until the affair is exposed.

Can you tell us on how this affair started and ended in the situation it is in? How long was this going on?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How is she reacting your knowledge of her affair?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Dist-rest said:


> Thank you all for your input.
> 
> To clarify, this guy has left her in the dust, she let herself go, gained 20 lbs, won't talk to her friend that is with this OM, and has this sense of worthlessness, self pity, and feels unatractive because of it.
> 
> ...


Red flags red flags red flags

Like Writer has said, makes no difference if OM left her in the dust, she still is charged up when she sees him. 

She has never been sexual yet has had at least two EAs? Find that hard to believe. She may not be sexual with you, but that does not mean she is not sexual

I am really sorry you are going through this... just so you understand, myself I was the WS in my marriage... the OW involved was also married, and she would often tell me she could not stand having her H touch her. She sounded like your wife, not very sexual with her H, however things she txtd and said to me would lead you believe otherwise. 

Others have mentioned, so no need to repeat it other than echo what so many have already told you... don't take this like a doormat.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Dist-rest said:


> Just want her to come clean, talk to me about it, *and come back to reality.*


Sorry friend, have you considered she IS in her reality and it's you that needs to understand the REAL reality. Don't see much hope for you in this relationship - stay strong - re-evaluate your beliefs and move forward.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I seem to do everything around the house, make good money, and wait on her hand and foot. Everything she complained about before is taken care of, now she tells me that she doesnt understand why she appears to be so miserable in the marriage considering she gets everything she ever asked for.


Becuase they were excuses (= lies). I'm not saying blatant lies she made up, likely she believed them. We all lie to ourselves all the time. They were rationailizations, the way she dealt with cognitive dissonance. She' not a bad person, right? Then why was she doing something only "bad people" do? Of course there were powerful reasons, extreme circunstaces which explain clearly her bad behavior, someone else (mainly you) is to blame, external infuences make her mechanically bahave exactly in the opposite direction she deep down knows she should'nt be behaving. Self protection.
She's a drug addict, operating with am addict brain, she reationalizes. 
You are a part of her rationalizations, you are a reminder, she filters all your behavior, If you are nice she put it on manioulation if you are not that nice she confirms in her head she was right all the time.
Her focus is elsewere, she can't focus on you, she feels bad becuase she should be focused on you but blames you for feeling bad about it.

She's deep in the fog. You can't explain, reason, love her out of it. You need to get out of the oicture.
Hard 180, think hard about whay the hell you are still there for her.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

You treat her like a queen, she wipes her feet with you.

The OM treats her like a cold b*stard and tosses aside, she yearns and pines after him.

Make your conclusions.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Lost it after 3 days? Man that must have been one effective 180. Do it again, and keep at it.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

snap said:


> You treat her like a queen, she wipes her feet with you.
> 
> The OM treats her like a cold b*stard and tosses aside, she yearns and pines after him.
> 
> Make your conclusions.


Exactly, start treating her like the OM treated her and I bet she'll act differently. She knows she has you, stop tolerating this.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Dist-rest said:


> Thank you all for your input.
> 
> To clarify, this guy has left her in the dust, she let herself go, gained 20 lbs, won't talk to her friend that is with this OM, and has this sense of worthlessness, self pity, and feels unatractive because of it.
> 
> ...


keep up the 180 and don't stop. Tell her what you want out of your marriage and that if you want your marriage to continue she will go to MC. She will start taking care of herself. She will stop acting like the spurned lover. If she doesn't wake up and show true remorse soon I would make her leave. She is still wrapped around this guys finger. She is likely still talking to him and trying to get him to come back. 
That's the reason she is still miserable. You need to do something drastic. If my wife ever acted like this towards another man I'd be furious. He would be so damn busy dealing with me that the OM would be a distant memory.


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## Dist-rest (Aug 21, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Keep doing it. She was neglecting emotionally and physically you all this time. She needs to know she is losing you if this continues.
> 
> And regarding the PA, many BS do not realize how sexual their wives can be until the affair is exposed.
> 
> Can you tell us on how this affair started and ended in the situation it is in? How long was this going on?


This whole thing was going on for about 7 months. Her friend had a heart to heart with her one day that she was with him, later that night texted her that she didn't want to keep it from her, and didn't want it to destroy their friendship. I don't know any reason why a friend would apologize for being with someone, or feel that she was keeping it from her. Obviously the friend knew of her fondness towards him.

It started as her just needing someone to talk to and exaggerate how bad of a man I am. He was having issues in his marriage too, so it's a familiar story.

Someone asked how she responded to me when I told her? She jus said that it hurts for me to say that. I guess I was only stating the obvious considering once we reconciled our marriage she was so giddy, once that text came over it all started to fade away and her effection has dwindled down to nothing.

How do I pull her out of the fog?


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Dist-rest said:


> What steps would you all recommend from here? I can't really talk to her since she feels insulted whenever I ask her how she feels, tells me I'm nagging when I tell her what I want, and tells me I have unrealistic expectations when she doesnt fulfill her promises.


She doesn't care about your feelings, only hers which is why she is acting this way. You are playing the pity party and in her eyes this makes you look weak and needy. Stop doing this.



> She's had EA before, don't think it got physical, she's not a very sexual person, and never was when we meet.


Affairs are rarely about sex for women BUT they give up the sex as a reward to keep the OM around. 



> Everything she complained about before is taken care of, now she tells me that she doesnt understand why she appears to be so miserable in the marriage considering she gets everything she ever asked for.


This is not about you or even the M, its about her getting "high" from the A and not able to deal with the rejection from the OM. You can be the perfect H and it wouldn't matter.



> How do I pull her out of the fog?


By dropping the hammer.

You need to blow this up; you’ve been too passive and accepting of her bad behavior. She doesn’t respect you because you’ve basically allowed her to get away with this and a “real man” would have kick her out. Guess what you need to do?

When you show her you don’t need her or that you won’t put up with her disrespect THEN she may pull her head out of her azz and see what she is missing. This isn’t something she can be told, she needs to experience it and believe you are going to D her and that’s that. You are not going to nice her back, that NEVER works.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Wait a second.....

The OM has moved on to someone else and you haven't exposed him to his wife?

Bad move!


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## Dist-rest (Aug 21, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Wait a second.....
> 
> The OM has moved on to someone else and you haven't exposed him to his wife?
> 
> Bad move!


OM is in the middle of a divorce, with another woman who knows how my wife feels, although my wife puts on the happy face and tells them how happy she is for them. Only recently she won't talk to his girlfriend anymore, she still talks to him for work and everything, an sends him emails signed with a 

Normally I ask when she'll be home, and try and have dinner ready. Should I not ask her, cook dinner, and leave it there for her when she comes home? I can then head out with the kids.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

> She has never been sexual yet has had at least two EAs? Find that hard to believe. She may not be sexual with you, but that does not mean she is not sexual


I totally share this skepticism. 

I'm sorry to give you more bad news to think about, but frankly, I would consider that this isn't her first rodeo. You have three kids. The woman has sex. She clearly sees you as Mr. Nice Guy Breadwinner Sap. And she has sex (or at the least sexual fantasies) about other men. 

The giveaway is she isn't interested in sex with you. It's easier for your ego to believe she doesn't like sex. Combined with the EA you know about? It's more likely she doesn't want to "cheat" on her OM. She's been having sex with him and is unhappy she got thrown over for someone else.

I wouldn't put up with her fat, pining ass for one second. 

Please, lawyer up and show her the door. 

Assuming you want such a person (please rethink that), the only way to snap her out of it, is to 180 her and move to leave her. 

But then -- do you really want a person who needs a legal gun held to her head to be faithful to you? She'll most likely reoffend. How "sorry" would she be? (Answer -- sorry for herself.)


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Dist-rest said:


> I seem to do everything around the house, make good money, and wait on her hand and foot.


You sound like her butler. Women aren't attracted to butlers. Women are attracted to rock stars, firemen, and other alpha-male types. No woman ever pledged her love to Mick Jagger because she thought he would do her laundry. Stop being the butler. If your wife wants a divorce, she's going to have to do her own laundry. So help her out by easing her into the transition.



Dist-rest said:


> Everything she complained about before is taken care of, now she tells me that she doesnt understand why she appears to be so miserable in the marriage considering she gets everything she ever asked for.


There are three possibilities. The first is that your wife knows that she wants you to be more alpha, but she is embarrassed to admit it. So, she tells you the standard, boilerplate, feminist drivel that doesn't work. Help more around the house. Listen to her more often.

The second is that your wife isn't attracted to you at all, so she just sends you off chasing your tail. Do the laundry. Wash the car. Take me on a vacation. I might love you again. She's just on a power trip.

The third, most likely scenario, is that she honestly doesn't know what she wants. She thinks that she needs more beta behaviors from you, so that's what she asks for. But you're already so beta that you're her butler. And it's not working.



Dist-rest said:


> Tried 180, lasted 3 days before she blew up on me.


That's actually a good sign. The opposite of love is not hate. It's apathy. If you withdraw from her and she doesn't care, then you're in trouble. If you withdraw from her and she freaks out, you have a chance. Perhaps she's freaking out because she doesn't want to lose her butler. Or, perhaps she's freaking out because she doesn't want to lose her husband/family.

Go back to the 180 and keep it up until she takes responsibility for her affairs and asks to reconcile, or until you are ready to divorce her.

Also, read Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. for some good information.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Dist-rest said:


> Normally I ask when she'll be home, and try and have dinner ready. Should I not ask her, cook dinner, and leave it there for her when she comes home? I can then head out with the kids.


If you know she'll be home, you can cook for her. If you don't know, use your judgment. You can easily cook extra spaghetti. You can't easily cook an extra steak. It would be burned after reheating anyway. The 180 isn't a separation, it's a steady emotional withdrawal.

And yes, make lots of time alone with you and the kids.

Good luck.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Why the hell would you cook her dinner? Feed the kids but forget her. Take them out. But stop, as the other poster eloquently put it, being her butler. 

Look, you sound like a nice guy. Many, many women would appreciate a spouse that does so much. She is an entitled wingnut who does not. 

And it's not "feminist drivel" to want men to do housework. My husband does house work. He's also an alpha (he sues people for a living). I respect him, and appreciate the reciprocity. Housework does not equal doormat -- tolerating her disrespect and blatant affairs though DOES.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

My good man! Find some balls and a backbone! Why the hell would you do ANYTHING for this broken woman. Have you read the man up threads? Get back on your 180 and work on yourself! If things don't get better shortly, file divorce papers. Right now she sees you as nothing but a spineless door mat. She knows you won't do anything. Show her you won't be #3 in a marriage even if the other guy is just a figment of her imagination now.

Where's a 2x4 when you need it....


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

No More Mr Nice Guy

Stop giving a sh!t about her. She doesn't give a damm about you. It's very obvious. She's a serial cheater, she then force you to service her with a babysitter/cook/handyman... WTF!
Get a life for you and your children! Don't tell her your schedule. Let her go. Hard 180, detach. start thinking more rationally.

Talk to a lawyer, find out where you stand. Start envisioning a life with out her.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

So if she comes home with the OM and says to you I won't "Love" you if you don't cook dinner for me and the OM would you do it? :scratchhead:

Look a wayward like you wife who is madly in love with her OM and has lost her respect for her husband cannot be "PULLED" from her fantasy...they are either Yanked or Divorced back into reality!!! 

But are you strong enough to do it?:scratchhead:

Good Luck.....you are headed for a long painful road and if you don't get off it will lead off a cliff!!!


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## TheProf (Aug 8, 2012)

chumplady said:


> Why the hell would you cook her dinner? Feed the kids but forget her. Take them out. But stop, as the other poster eloquently put it, being her butler. .


Its the same old story, this guy treats his wife like a queen, he puts up with her crap, she treats him like crap, cheats on him, cuts him off sexually, and he's asking, "what can I do for her while she fantasizes about doing another man?". Tell you what Dist-rest, keep this harpy around and it will ensure your life will continue to be in a sex starved, living hell with her always looking for some guy to replace you with.


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## Dist-rest (Aug 21, 2012)

She asked me out on a date night tonight, I was happy, cool, short with answers, took her where I wanted her to take me. Didn't reach over to hold hands or anything, but still opened the car door for her.

Doing ok?


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Yu just better hope she is not reading your thread, and is trying to end run you.
Clear your browser history after leaving here.

I hope tihs is a good sign, and she is coming out of the fog. 

NOW, as for you. LOOK, no woman respects a man that don't respect himself. And you doing everything for her while she is the one cheated, make her see you as 2nd best.
Read MMSL and No More Mr. Nice Guy. 
I'm sure there are others that could tell you of other books, but these 2 have helped many that came here.

NOT TJ,,, extending a welcome to ChumpLady, nice site.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Op...sounds like your wife is emotionally mixed up. Is it possible she was molested as a child/raped or maybe emotionally physically abused, beaten etc. Sounds like she has a desperate need for attention. For her own good she needs therapy as to why she is in a self destruct mode. 

I feel for you , I would have been gone from the beginning. You must look out for your own emotional well being, you can not put up with this type of behavior. You will eventually crash emotionally , then where will your kids find stability?


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## theOTHERman (Aug 30, 2012)

time to move on, lots of other fish in the sea... no use dredging up fealings for something that can just fall apart in a few more years. carry on life will get better after a few months... it always does.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Dist-rest said:


> She asked me out on a date night tonight, I was happy, cool, short with answers, took her where I wanted her to take me. Didn't reach over to hold hands or anything, but still opened the car door for her.
> 
> Doing ok?


Read the stuff you were told to read:

Married Man Sex Life
No More Mr. Nice Guy

While you're waiting for those to arrive, figure out where you are on the Male Socio-Sexual Hierarchy

Also, learn about how women operate (notice I did not say "how women think") with regards to sexual issues. Read Roissy. It sounds insane, but it's all quite true.

Time to take the red pill.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Dist-rest said:


> She asked me out on a date night tonight, I was happy, cool, short with answers, took her where I wanted her to take me. Didn't reach over to hold hands or anything, but still opened the car door for her.
> 
> Doing ok?




NO! You are not! Find some eself respect!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Dist-rest said:


> now she tells me that she doesnt understand why she appears to be so miserable in the marriage considering she gets everything she ever asked for.


She's miserable because you spoiled her a little too much. 
No wonder why she's like that. 


Move on.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Dist-rest said:


> She asked me out on a date night tonight, I was happy, cool, short with answers, took her where I wanted her to take me. Didn't reach over to hold hands or anything, but still opened the car door for her.
> 
> Doing ok?


No!! You want her to make life long changes and respect you. She needs to know she cannot take you for granted anymore and she might lose you with her behavior.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Dist-rest said:


> This whole thing was going on for about 7 months. Her friend had a heart to heart with her one day that she was with him, later that night texted her that she didn't want to keep it from her, and didn't want it to destroy their friendship. I don't know any reason why a friend would apologize for being with someone, or feel that she was keeping it from her. Obviously the friend knew of her fondness towards him.
> 
> It started as her just needing someone to talk to and exaggerate how bad of a man I am. He was having issues in his marriage too, so it's a familiar story.
> 
> ...


What are you? A side character in their romance triangle?


you are in a deeper fog than she is.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Also, to think that even OM dumped her, now it feels like she is a piece of leftover. 
Her self-respect, dignity and personality have dropped to zero. She was OM's back up plan. 
Now you want to get back with a _back-up plan_er who is also using YOU as a back up plan on the other hand. 

Go figure!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

chumplady said:


> And it's not "feminist drivel" to want men to do housework. My husband does house work. He's also an alpha (he sues people for a living). I respect him, and appreciate the reciprocity. Housework does not equal doormat -- tolerating her disrespect and blatant affairs though DOES.


It's not feminist drivel to want men to do some housework. But it is feminist drivel to suggest that women are sexually attracted to men doing housework. To paraphrase Athol Kay, men exhibit alpha and beta behaviors. Women are attracted to alpha behaviors and comforted by beta behaviors. Good marriages feature men who can balance the two.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Dist-rest said:


> She asked me out on a date night tonight, I was happy, cool, short with answers, took her where I wanted her to take me. Didn't reach over to hold hands or anything, but still opened the car door for her.
> 
> Doing ok?


No.

You should have turned her down.

Your goal isn't to impress her, all that does is show her she has you wrapped around her finger which not a position of power for you. No matter how you appeared on the date the fact you went shows too much interest. Actions speak louder than words.

You need to pull back, go do your own thing without her and not care about what she is doing. Show her you are slipping away and you are going to be fine without her.


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## TheProf (Aug 8, 2012)

I don't know what you call it, but I have a "give no crap, take no crap attitude". The wife does me wrong, decides she through with romance/sex (ya, they're kinda the same thing), doesn't put me and our marriage ahead of everything else, I'm history. Yep, I'd lose a lot of material stuff if things went south. But none of that is worth my dignity and piece of mind. And what always seems to be the case, folks move to other relationships in a short period of time and kick themselves for putting up with the crap as long as they did. 

Oh, The kids,I forgot about the kids. Most likely the precious little darlings, especially the girls, will move away with the "bad boy" she so love, only to leave and come back home with two/three little hellions for you to raise while she spends her day texting and nights searching for the next hot guy in bars and night clubs. The boys; you won't be able to get them out of the house anyway.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Dist-rest said:


> She asked me out on a date night tonight, I was happy, cool, short with answers, took her where I wanted her to take me. Didn't reach over to hold hands or anything, but still opened the car door for her.
> 
> Doing ok?


Baby steps. You're doing better than you were. But, you're not where you need to be.

You want to reconcile. I understand that. In order to do that most effectively, you need to create doubt in your wife's mind that you actually want her. You need to create the situation where she is chasing you and sweating whether you're going to let her catch you.

So, one date night where everything was casual is fine. However, if she asks again, turn her down. Tell her you have other plans. And then, make other plans. Maybe the time after that, you go out with her. Just make it clear that she isn't your top priority anymore.

You need to switch the pitch from begging her to allow you to tag along for the rest of her life, to being an interesting, sexy guy that might let her come along with you on your trip through life. The first option is repulsive to women. The second is sexy.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

> She asked me out on a date night tonight, I was happy


So you went from starvation rations to crumbs. And you're "happy"? 

Your big penalty is not holding her hand, but still opening the door?

She "asked you on a date" I would translate into she LET you take her on a date. She'll grace you with her attention. Narcissist. 

She's playing you. She wants to you do what I call the Humiliating Dance of Pick Me! The Humiliating Dance of 

She wants you to compete, when what you need to do is DISENGAGE from this bullish*t. Start setting the terms. 

You are REWARDING her crap behavior with a date. She'll learn that's all it takes to placate you -- some crumbs of her attention/affection. Then she'll go right back to her normal princess, no sex, pining for the OM mode. 

I don't date people who blatantly disrespect me. You shouldn't either. 

When you confront someone in an affair, now is not the time to play nice and go have sushi. It's time to lawyer up, set the terms, and find your balls.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

And T/J on the whole "feminist drivel." I don't know where Gloria Steinem or Betty Friedan are saying men look hot in aprons. It's not about sexual attraction in the moment, it's about respect. People who shoulder their share of the work and treat you with respect are ATTRACTIVE. It's not that I get turned on watching my husband vacuum. I appreciate him. 

It goes both ways. I'm lovely, but I'm not at my sexiest scrubbing toilets. But the man appreciates a clean house. 

The fact that this guy does housework isn't the problem. The problem is that she doesn't DO HER SHARE or respect him for it. Someone has to do it. She's being a child. And the parent/child dynamic is totally unsexy.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Dist-rest said:


> She asked me out on a date night tonight, I was happy, cool, short with answers, took her where I wanted her to take me. Didn't reach over to hold hands or anything, but still opened the car door for her.
> 
> Doing ok?


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## TheProf (Aug 8, 2012)

chumplady said:


> She's playing you. She wants to you do what I call the Humiliating Dance of Pick Me!.


From your article:

_"But they cannot have all the benefits of marriage AND a side dish **** because they aren’t “happy.” "_

That is profound. Dang I love it.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

TheProf said:


> From your article:
> 
> _"But they cannot have all the benefits of marriage AND a side dish **** because they aren’t “happy.” "_
> 
> That is profound. Dang I love it.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: 

Her articles are awesome. I especially love the Unified Theory of Cake.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

KanDo said:


> My good man! Why the hell would you do ANYTHING for this broken woman.


Because he loves her.

However, a better way of showing his love for her would be to try to blow the fog away from her. The 180 might help here, as it seemed to have some success after only three days.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

chumplady said:


> It's not about sexual attraction in the moment, it's about respect. People who shoulder their share of the work and treat you with respect are ATTRACTIVE. It's not that I get turned on watching my husband vacuum. I appreciate him.


But let's say that your husband did nothing BUT vacuum. He still respects you, he just spends his days waiting on you hand and foot. You would steadily lose your attraction for him. Because vacuuming isn't sexy. Is it necessary? Sure. But we shouldn't confuse necessary with sexy.



chumplady said:


> It goes both ways. I'm lovely, but I'm not at my sexiest scrubbing toilets. But the man appreciates a clean house.


Again, if you did nothing BUT clean house, your husband would lose his attraction for you. Sometimes, you have to break out the lingerie and have some fun. That's sexy. Men are attracted to that.

I'm not saying that this guy shouldn't do any housework. I'm just saying that housework isn't sexy. Look at it this way, if you tried to seduce your husband by rubbing his elbow with a salad spoon, you would be wasting your time. You could put a lot of effort into it. But it wouldn't work. Your husband could even recognize your efforts and appreciate how hard you were trying. But it wouldn't make any difference in creating a sexual spark.

That's what men doing housework is for women. They can appreciate it. They can recognize that you're doing it to help them. They just can't get hot and bothered over it.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

> That's what men doing housework is for women. They can appreciate it. They can recognize that you're doing it to help them. They just can't get hot and bothered over it.


I agree. I think I was agreeing with you... I'm not saying do housework at the exclusion of everything else.

This guy's wife reminds me of my husband's (serial cheating) ex-wife. (BTW, he didn't reconcile. When he discovered, he immediately divorced her, so our stories diverge here from the OP.) 

My husband did what this guy is doing -- all the housework, etc. Why? Because no one else was doing it. Because the wife was busy screwing around, being lazy, acting the defiant child, you aren't the boss of me! dynamic. 

It's a total no win. If my husband called her on her **** (he did), it's more of the waaah princess crap. You can't make me do laundry! It's a parent child dynamic and THAT is unsexy. 

Different relationship? He's still the same man. He does laundry. He does a FRACTION of the housework he used to, because I've got his back. I pull my share and then some. It's reciprocal. No parent/child dynamic. Loads of happiness and attraction here in the Chump household. 

The same guy you deem unsexy for doing housework or doing "too much" in a different relationship would be JUST FINE. And appreciated.

His problem is he keeps trying to nice her out of the affair, and yes, that makes him a doormat. And yes, that is utterly unsexy.


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## Dist-rest (Aug 21, 2012)

Thank you all for your support. 

Day 3: She's acting out looking for attention. She keeps looking back to see if I'm chasing her around the house. Wonders why I don't call or text, and acting jealous as all hell.

Can't keep from telling her "I love you", but I limit it to responses.

Overall she actually seems to be happier with me being like this. But I know that I'm strong enough to leave her and be on my own, and now recognize the disrespect that she showed me for the last several years. Her persistent lies and secrets that she keeps make me really question if it's something I want to save anyway.

Thank you all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Dist-rest said:


> Thank you all for your support.
> 
> Day 3: She's acting out looking for attention. She keeps looking back to see if I'm chasing her around the house. Wonders why I don't call or text, and acting jealous as all hell.
> 
> ...


Now you are slowly beginning to emerge from your fantasy. You know......the one where the cheating wife is the same woman that you married. She is not and you are coming to realized that your life is not over if the marriage ends. 

Since you are beginning to recognize all of this, you think that maybe she is not worthy of you. Maybe she is more trouble than she is worth.

Congratulations. Keep it up. Decide on what you want to do for you, not her.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

You get your power back when you stop caring. For a cake-eater, it's a shock when you suddenly stop catering them the cakes.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

PHTlump said:


> Baby steps. You're doing better than you were. But, you're not where you need to be.
> 
> You want to reconcile. I understand that. In order to do that most effectively, you need to create doubt in your wife's mind that you actually want her. You need to create the situation where she is chasing you and sweating whether you're going to let her catch you.
> 
> ...


Very well put..and abso-effing-lutely correct


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## Dist-rest (Aug 21, 2012)

snap said:


> You get your power back when you stop caring. For a cake-eater, it's a shock when you suddenly stop catering them the cakes.


I wanted to thanks you all for your help and guidance. She figured out that I wasn't going to stand for it anymore, cut her ties, and is talking openly to me for the first time in a while. Although things aren't healed, at least she knows that I won't take it anymore.

Still in 180 mode, but things are looking better than they have in a long time.

Thanks again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Keep your balls in your sack itself, don't allow her to take it back into her purse again.

Is she remorseful? Did she hand over her passwords?
Did she send a NC letter? Is she ready to leave her job?

Continue the 180.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Don't slow down. Keep the taylored 180, make plans for your self, keep being unpredictable, reliable.
Keep your self improvement journey. Take care of your appearance, get in shape. 
Keep reading the links we provided. Print this thread.


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