# Is there hope that she will come back?



## Bewilderment (Nov 18, 2011)

My wife has left me and used the "I love you, I'm just not in love with you" cliché. We have known each other for 17 years and been together for 9, married for 4. We are a DINKWAD. Three months ago it was like a light switch with her. One day she was the wife I knew the next secretive and cold. She started changing herself and not talking to me about anything. She has stated that she feels like a room mate to me. That she has felt that way for a long time. She has said that I should have done something to make things better over a year ago. 

Probably like most men I was blissfully unaware as to how unhappy she really was. I didn't want to talk about the elephant in the room, and she didn't talk about it either. Earlier in the relationship I tried initiating things with her and she would sometimes react positively, but as time progressed she grew colder. Eventually I just gave up and hoped that she would approach the subject. 

I know now that I was in a state of weakness, denial, and selfishness. My wife has been coming and going for the last two months staying for a night here and there. Recently I went on holidays for nine days and she left me this time packing a suitcase. I had nine days of nothing but me the dog and four walls to think, and think, and think. Nothing would make me happier than if my wife would agree to reconcile. She has limited our contact to an informal text or two. 

She has distanced herself from me as she has said to "focus on her school work." She is currently working part time and attending college full time. I know that I didn't respect the load she is under as she is trying to ensure that she does well in school. The thing that hurts is that while we have been having trouble lately with our marriage she has dropped everything, and I do mean everything to go and help our/her friends that are dealing with relationship problems. Why wont she do that for us? 

One of the things that hurts is that we dated a long time ago, she dumped me, and then a couple of years later sought me out. I felt the love whammy stick again and we have been together ever since (until recently). She has told me things that led me to believe that we will be together for the rest of our lives. How could she go from being so in love, to flicking a switch and being so cold and callus towards me? 

In my confusion and stupidity lately I did things that I know have pushed her further away. I acknowledged how wrong they were, and tried to gain her forgiveness. I am giving her space and letting her contact me. It is getting harder and harder to let her initiate contact as financially I can't continue to carry the load single handedly.

I have sought out counselling and have tried to encourage my wife to attend with no success. Through talking to friends and family that have gone through similar issues I have gained great insight to my predicament, and welcome your thoughts.

Is there hope for me that she will come back?


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## frigginlost (Oct 5, 2011)

There is always hope.... But as the days go by, the hope will lessen. I relate very much to your position as my STBXW has been gone almost a month. I got the I'm not in love with you speech 2 months ago. My situation is the walk away syndrome (Google it). My wife went from the most caring and compassionate person, to the most cold and distant person I have ever met. Our conversations are financial only and they are curt. Our talks have been relegated to texts every 4 or 5 days if that. She has asked to meet up once but the hurt she has caused, has made me turn it down. I have decided that she put nothing into saving the marriage, so I will do nothing to end it or give her the closure she seems to want. I will not be her friend.

Do some reading about the 180. It does help. There is always a chance your wife will return, but always hope for the best but plan for the worst. It's not easy. My wife still has not told me why she left outside of the not in love statement and she like your wife has told more to friends than what she has told me. My wife has made.zero effort toward our marriage. I feel for ya....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bewilderment (Nov 18, 2011)

Your statement about the walk away syndrome is very true. I did google it and it was like someone had been watching the events unfold in my life and then wrote about it. 

I have always thought that I was a good husband and that I made her happy. She even told me that I was not allowed to die first. When she told me the ILYBIANILWY it was like I was being gutted. I have always thought that I have been good at noticing details in life. I guess the saying “I can’t see the forest for all the trees” is true. I only saw what I wanted to see. I learned that this is a very male trait. See problem, stick head in sand, and pretend there is no problem. 

I am resolute to not send her communication unless she is willing to speak to me face to face. I think I am owed at least this. I am hoping time will continue to soften her anger and pain. This will also allow me the time I need to heal from my pain. I know that no woman is going to come back to a man that is not strong and focused. 

If there is one good thing that has come out of this is that I have realized that my life needs an overhaul and focus. Things I had once, but let go of making excuses for them.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I am with you. When I learned about the Walk Away Wife Syndrome, it was so similiar to my experience earlier this year that I could have wrote it. I had no clue she was thinking that way and I thought we had an above average marriage. 

Reading Divorce Remedy and the section on Mid Life Crisis also resinated with what she has been doing. New work out program, looking for plastic surgery, lost weight, got adult braces, all part of the exit plan. Also found she has had an ongoing school girl interest on a 10 year younger co worker. 

After trying everything to try and fix this, she left me two weeks ago. Now it is a much bigger problem to repair. She claims she wants to repair it, but all of her actions are the opposite. Not wearing a wedding band the most obvious.

I was reading a post here earlier which basically said you need to let them go. 180 it for you. 

Best of luck and be strong!


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## Bewilderment (Nov 18, 2011)

She is still wearing her wedding band as far as I know. She is even wearing a ring that I purchased very recently for her birthday.

I came very close to changing the locks yesterday. She has been coming into the house while I am away and taking things here and there. Nothing major or in vast quantities, but it's frustrating to me because she feels like I stalked her once. It was during one of the times recently where she left for a couple of days. I was in a state of confusion and so I thought that I would take a different approach to what I had already been doing. So I got in my car and drove to where she said that she would be staying. She wasn't there. I panicked a little and drove to another place she might have been. when she found out about this she was really creeped out. She doesn't believe that I only went looking for her in a panic. It should be known that I have never once raised my voice to her or hit her. The twist on this is I am creeped out when I come home and it feels like someone has been in the house. The first couple of times I went and searched the house looking for an intruder. After I started noticing the missing items I realized it was her.

How do you get someone to talk to you when you are separated and they don't want to talk to you? I am starting to think that the only thing she will respond to is if I do something drastic like filing for divorce first. I am just so tired of her inability to talk to me directly to what the issues are. If I don't contact her she pulls away, If I contact her she pulls away. There is no winning. Perhaps I need to stop thinking of it as winning.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Dude your wife is probably having an affair.

How do you nOt see this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bewilderment (Nov 18, 2011)

She is not having an affair. 

I have already investigated, and confronted her on this thought. As bad an idea as accusing your spouse of cheating is, I did it. That is one of the reasons she left. I noticed her changing her habits dramatically a couple of months ago. She started exercising in secret, lost weight, got a different hair cut, and started spending more time with new friends. I thought that she was cheating. I now know that she was finding her exit strategy per the walk away syndrome. She has been secretive but I don't believe that she cheated on me. She has been through it herself in a previous relationship and would never wish it on anyone. I believe that I just didn't pay attention to the signs until it was blatantly obvious there was a problem.

I'm looking for a way to get her to start a dialogue again.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

So you know she`s not having an affair because she told you she wasn`t having an affair?

Have you independently verified her lack of an affair?

You realize that a new partner is often on the top of the to-do list for any exit strategy.


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## Bewilderment (Nov 18, 2011)

She left her computer here the other day and I looked through her email. I know people that she works with and they don't think that she is cheating. It is easy to jump to that conclusion. I should know I did. Either she should get an academy award for her performance when I asked her if she was cheating or the pain I saw in her eyes was genuine. I thought that she was cheating when all she was doing was confiding in her friends about her troubles instead of talking to me about them. Now I have burned the bridge and she doesn't want to talk to me. 

I feel that she is getting bad counselling from her friends. She really did flip a switch one day. That is why she is doing everything right now for herself. I have been left to cover the financial end of things and that has become very taxing for me. If I contact her and talk to her about finances I will confirm the image she has conjured about me not caring about her self growth. If I tell the friends to back off I just confirm the image they are telling her that I haven't supported her and that I am holding her back. I can't win. At least December is a 3 pay cheque month and that will bye me some time.


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