# Dealing with on and off drinking problem.



## Eatcake

My husband and I are pretty recently married, but we have been together for like 7-8 years, and we're in our late twenties. It's not til recently he has some problem with drinking (worst times drink about 750ml of whiskey in 2 days) He does have high alcohol tolerance so don't get drunk easily. He said he needs it t help him sleep and cope with stress at work. Because he's a non-violent person, we tried to find ways to reduces it before declaring it a definite problem, but I do present it to him as a problem from time to time. About 3 weeks ago he was drinking with a friend at home, the person was a childhood friend, but they stayed up til 3am getting wasted, I was able to send the friend home. The friend was claiming that he attacked him which raised a big concern for me. I tried to put my husband to sleep, even though he was not violent towards me, he was saying weird stuff and kicking the furniture a few times. So I recorded a what I can and showed it to him the next morning. He was shocked because he said he didn't remember anything, he apologized and promised not to drink for the most part. He did have a little bits of it here and there, but it was much better than before. 
But then when his friend decided to drop by again once they made peace, they drank an entire bottle again. This was after I told them I do not want the same thing repeated. When I confronted my husband that his friend should go home, he said the friend was falling in hard times and he wanted to make him feel better. I decided that I was going to go to sleep but stays up til the friend leaves. But then in the middle of the night my husband decided to get into a car with him, which I was upset he didn't say anything, but figures he was just gonna spend some time at his house. So I texted my husband that 'Thanks for not telling me anything', and just hoped that he's come back at some point and went to sleep. Then like an hour later his friend called me saying that he's acting drunk again and maybe I should come and pick him up and txted me the address. At that point I was pretty angry and told him that he should let him stay over until he sobers up. That was that and I went to sleep. My husband finally got home like 5 hours later, and was pissed. He said he was kicked out and left to take the MTA by himself, and no one bothered to check upon him. I asked him why didn't he just call a cab because I know he has maybe less than 200 on him, he said he gave it or spent it all on his friend. I asked him to apologize to me too but he was too stubborn and insist on guilt tripping me. Which I know under normal circumstance as a wife I should be more concerned, but I was just too entrapped in my own emotions to have any good response. Right now I really don't want to waste my day while he's sleeping, so I'm going out to do errands til he comes to his senses. Then perhaps I should tell him I want to live with my parents for a bit til he can promise me not to repeat that. Am I being too harsh? Or perhaps I can deal with it some other way? Sorry for the long read!!!


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## happy as a clam

Your husband is an alcoholic who is blacking out. This is not good at all.

Either he gets into rehab or a 12-step program and stops drinking, or yes -- I think you should move back with your mom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jmurphy

sorry to hear about your issue you are dealing about. rehab may help. did your husband try attend AA meetings?


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## jr92gp

Eatcake said:


> My husband and I are pretty recently married, but we have been together for like 7-8 years, and we're in our late twenties. It's not til recently he has some problem with drinking (worst times drink about 750ml of whiskey in 2 days) He does have high alcohol tolerance so don't get drunk easily. He said he needs it t help him sleep and cope with stress at work. Because he's a non-violent person, we tried to find ways to reduces it before declaring it a definite problem, but I do present it to him as a problem from time to time. About 3 weeks ago he was drinking with a friend at home, the person was a childhood friend, but they stayed up til 3am getting wasted, I was able to send the friend home. The friend was claiming that he attacked him which raised a big concern for me. I tried to put my husband to sleep, even though he was not violent towards me, he was saying weird stuff and kicking the furniture a few times. So I recorded a what I can and showed it to him the next morning. He was shocked because he said he didn't remember anything, he apologized and promised not to drink for the most part. He did have a little bits of it here and there, but it was much better than before.
> But then when his friend decided to drop by again once they made peace, they drank an entire bottle again. This was after I told them I do not want the same thing repeated. When I confronted my husband that his friend should go home, he said the friend was falling in hard times and he wanted to make him feel better. I decided that I was going to go to sleep but stays up til the friend leaves. But then in the middle of the night my husband decided to get into a car with him, which I was upset he didn't say anything, but figures he was just gonna spend some time at his house. So I texted my husband that 'Thanks for not telling me anything', and just hoped that he's come back at some point and went to sleep. Then like an hour later his friend called me saying that he's acting drunk again and maybe I should come and pick him up and txted me the address. At that point I was pretty angry and told him that he should let him stay over until he sobers up. That was that and I went to sleep. My husband finally got home like 5 hours later, and was pissed. He said he was kicked out and left to take the MTA by himself, and no one bothered to check upon him. I asked him why didn't he just call a cab because I know he has maybe less than 200 on him, he said he gave it or spent it all on his friend. I asked him to apologize to me too but he was too stubborn and insist on guilt tripping me. *Which I know under normal circumstance as a wife I should be more concerned, but I was just too entrapped in my own emotions to have any good response.* Right now I really don't want to waste my day while he's sleeping, so I'm going out to do errands til he comes to his senses. Then perhaps I should tell him I want to live with my parents for a bit til he can promise me not to repeat that. Am I being too harsh? Or perhaps I can deal with it some other way? Sorry for the long read!!!


I want to address this: You are not responsible for his actions. He is punishing you for not behaving in the way he wants you to. He made those choices and had to deal with the consequences. Late 20's and he's acting like this? Would you trust him to raise your children? You have no reason to feel guilty.

He needs therapy, and the odds of him agreeing to it AND actually following through are probably quite low. Seriously think about what your future with him looks like. Take steps to improve your situation WITH him if possible. Do this now before you further entangle your life with his.


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## jr92gp

I just want to add: I was this guy. He will take advantage of you whenever possible if you let him. You'd be doing him a favor by delivering a wake up call. Don't fall for the crocodile tears and promises to change. True change and growth happens under (perceived) dire circumstances if my experience is at all representative of what your husband is like. I'd wager he has quite a bit of painful growing up to do. That is his burden to carry, not yours.


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## anotherstory

Hi, Eatcake - It's been over a year since I've been on here. I was married to a similar man for 8 years, together 12. I have an extreme story but I think you may need to hear it. My husband was very well educated, upstanding in the community and an alcoholic. The first few years I ignored the signs because I found ways to justify the "occasional" drunken state. Stress, peer pressure, work issues. It was easier for me to justify his actions than confront him with his problem. We had several very good years and two amazing children, even with alcohol being in the picture. Eventually I grew tired of the way we were living. He was very functional as far as work and such but our relationship started to suffer because of his abuse. At this time I still didn't call it alcoholism. I didn't want to label it. I didn't want to be the wife of an alcoholic. I lived in that state for a couple of more years. The verbal and mental abuse towards me got worse and worse and I eventually filed for divorce thinking it would WAKE HIM UP. It did shake him up but by that point the alcohol had taken over. He promised to get help if I gave him time, so I did. All I wanted was for this man I had loved and the father of my children was to get better. I gave him 6 months and he did nothing but get worse. At the end of the time, I moved me and my kids out. By this point I was done with the marriage. I had been beat down so low that I knew I couldn't be with this man. I did however hope that the kids, 4 and 6, would be enough to make him want to get help. Less than two months after I moved us out I found him dead. Not from suicide which everyone assumed, but from alcohol abuse. He was 38. That is literally what the death certificate says, death by alcohol abuse. People, young people DIE from this disease. So are you being harsh? No. Move out. Maybe, just maybe it WILL be enough of a wake up call to make him want help. But no matter what, his issue with alcohol has nothing to do with you and you can not fix it. He has to make the decision to acknowledge there is a problem and get help. You can be there to support him and his decision but that's it. He gets final say. 
In no way am I saying his case is as severe as my husband's but I just want you to realize it can get there if you just ignore the issue. I never dreamed I'd be a 34 yr old widow. 
I do wish you and your husband the best through this very tough process.


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## Tirasleen

Fact: alcoholics do not change without dire consequences and only if they aren't too far gone. He is young...he will get worse. His treatment of you was abhorrent.


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## bestrong

I want to say that you are doing well compared to the situation. It is hard not to get sucked in circumstances. Of course we dont want things to be that bad that we are forced to act.
I have and still am on both sides of the table.
I have my drug/alcohol problems and he has his alcohol problems. He is more stable than I am though. Right now I am working on me, we will sort him out later.

It is amazing how much you can lie to yourself so your husband is probably not ok with going to rehab just "out of the blue". It sounds like he has tons of excuses and reasons for drinking. That being said, nobody should have to give reasons for drinking I think... So if you are in a place where you are justifying your drinking (talking about your H  ), you probably have problems.

It has taken me 20 years of my life (turning 40 in june) where I have been trying to control my abuse. Sometimes its been going well, sometimes ok and sometimes terrible. My ways do not seem to work... For the first time in my life I am ready to take guidance and accept help. That is a huge step.
I really hope your husband realizes soon. Before you both get sick.

If you are interested, I´ve heard that Al-Anon can help people in same situation as you are. I know 2 women that it has helped enourmously. They seem to be leading a great life today, one is still married, one is divorced.


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