# Was I wrong?



## cjl (Jan 24, 2014)

So I have a 18 year old step daughter that moved out and in with her bf and his family last year. Now that is only a few blocks away so we see her a few times a week. Him too. Well he cheated on her and she beat the girl up. Drama I tell ya. Anyway he did it again and they broke up. She still lived there for a week until his mom told her it might be good if she moved out. So she came back home. It's been couple of months now. My wife is more involved with it all than I. My relationship with her hasn't been great. Don't fight just don't talk a lot. I suck at being a step father. Over the last month she has dated someone else but still is friends with the "cheater". So here's the question. 
Last night my wife calls me on her way home from work saying the daughter wants to bring the "cheater" over for supper is there enough and what do you think. I'm like what the hell? So I said instantly said no. Although there was enough so I lied. I just didn't want him at my house. He didn't come. 

We talked about it later and my wife said she knew I would say no before she asked. I asked her why would you want him around. She said I'm not like you, people make mistakes and it's important in life in how you handle that. I forgive people but you don't. 

What does everyone think about this? Am i wrong for feeling this way?


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## marriedmanhere (Aug 2, 2012)

I would have said no..

What kind of guy lives at home with his g/f?


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

I wouldn't have wanted him there either. I'm surprised your wife and step-daughter would invite him after all that drama he caused. If he cheats twice, he will do it again. 

No, you're not wrong. You're just worried about her and looking out for her best interests, and that makes you a good step-father.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I say you let her know what one of your boundries were and you enforced it. You also did your SD a favor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

cjl- it is not wrong to feel the way you do. I can imagine I would feel the same way.

The issue here is that your SD has chosen to forgive him to the point that they remained friends. So, how does your SD feel when you don't support her (regardless of whether you feel she's made a poor decision or not). You don't have to agree with her (and I would even tell her that you do not like that this boy treated her so horribly). 

You can fight to be right or you can take care of the relationship.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The only people I see making a mistake right now is your wife and daughter. The ex BF made conscious decisions. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HeartInPieces (Sep 13, 2013)

My question is why would your wife want her daughter with someone who has cheated on her more than once. :scratchhead:


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Your wife is sending a message that cheating is forgivable.
You absolutely did the right thing. You can totally support your step daughter but just not her choices.


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## honeysuckle (Feb 23, 2014)

delirium said:


> I wouldn't have wanted him there either. I'm surprised your wife and step-daughter would invite him after all that drama he caused. If he cheats twice, he will do it again.
> 
> No, you're not wrong. You're just worried about her and looking out for her best interests, and that makes you a good step-father.



It is your SD choice if she continues to see him,as a friend/boyfriend. That doesn't mean you have to endorse it by having him around your house. You can't tell her how to live her life,but you can let her know that you think it is a bad judgement call.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I think you're right and your wife must be from another planet if she thinks everything should be forgiven. I think you did well


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm wondering why SD beat the girl up instead of beating up the cheater?THEN continued being with the cheater until he did it again and is still friends with someone like that???

What kind of lessons is your wife teaching this kid anyway?? seriously. WOW.

I probably would have been waaaaay more dramatic with my response. "Uh,NO.I don't want that scum of the Earth POS brat at our house and I don't want him around SD either.If she can't respect herself enough to get rid of him completely that's on her but I don't have to sit and watch that sh*t unfold. No thanks."

LOL your response was probably better.Healthier


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## cjl (Jan 24, 2014)

HeartInPieces said:


> My question is why would your wife want her daughter with someone who has cheated on her more than once. :scratchhead:


She really doesn't but says it's not her choice.


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## cjl (Jan 24, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I'm wondering why SD beat the girl up instead of beating up the cheater?THEN continued being with the cheater until he did it again and is still friends with someone like that???
> 
> What kind of lessons is your wife teaching this kid anyway?? seriously. WOW.
> 
> ...


I have no clue why. 

You forget you can't control a 18 yr old who she can be friends with. My wife was just going with whatever the D wanted to do.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your wife should have said no and not passed the buck.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

If it were my daughter, I'd tell her "You're 18 years old and you can associate who you want, but I don't approve of this guy or the way he treated you and I don't want him in my house." Being a step-daughter makes it a little more complicated, especially since the mother says it's ok. I think I would tell your wife that she's sending her daughter the wrong message, that she should be telling her daughter that it's not ok for someone to treat her like that and that she doesn't want anyone in her home who would treat her daughter like that. But I don't know if you can overrule your wife on this one if she doesn't agree.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

marriedmanhere said:


> What kind of guy lives at home with his g/f?


?? :scratchhead:

A straight guy?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Your wife is sending a message that cheating is forgivable.


Cheating is forgivable. In fact any kind of transgression is forgivable. If not, we would all be paying for every one of our sins for the rest of our lives. We can't live that way. 

And if you are a Christian, that's a cornerstone of your religious beliefs. 

However, having said that, it doesn't mean the OP has to accept the guy coming over for dinner.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

John Lee said:


> If it were my daughter, I'd tell her "You're 18 years old and you can associate who you want, but I don't approve of this guy or the way he treated you and I don't want him in my house." Being a step-daughter makes it a little more complicated, especially since the mother says it's ok. I think I would tell your wife that she's sending her daughter the wrong message, that she should be telling her daughter that it's not ok for someone to treat her like that and that she doesn't want anyone in her home who would treat her daughter like that. But I don't know if you can overrule your wife on this one if she doesn't agree.


:iagree:

Spot on response. 

Although your wife may feel obligated in a way to accept her daughter's choice in friends, it doesn't mean you do. 

It's your house, your food and your comfort too that is important. 

This boy cheated on your SD and she beat the heck out of the girl. Frankly, if she was to beat up on someone, it should have been the BF but what is done is done. Would it help if you had a "man" to man talk with this kid and determine if you see any remorse and regret? If you do, perhaps he is a good friend to have but a losey boyfriend. And you might feel better with him coming around? Perhaps that is the compromise? If you still dislike him, at least you kept an open mind and tried.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

He did it once. That was forgivable.

Then he did it again. He oughta be horsewhipped.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

John Lee said:


> If it were my daughter, I'd tell her "You're 18 years old and you can associate who you want, but I don't approve of this guy or the way he treated you and I don't want him in my house." Being a step-daughter makes it a little more complicated, especially since the mother says it's ok. I think I would tell your wife that she's sending her daughter the wrong message, that she should be telling her daughter that it's not ok for someone to treat her like that and that she doesn't want anyone in her home who would treat her daughter like that. But I don't know if you can overrule your wife on this one if she doesn't agree.


I agree with everything, except about not being able to overrule the wife. No one should be in your home that makes another person in your home uncomfortable or angry. There is no reason for it. I won’t put up with it. There have been times when someone made one of my kids uncomfortable, so we have not allowed that person in our house. We all live here. We all have to feel safe and comfortable in our home.
I believe, as Theseus said, that forgiveness is necessary. Christian or not, unforgiveness – bitterness, eats away at a person. However, forgiveness does not mean that any kind of relationship should exist. I am a very forgiving person, but that doesn’t mean I’ll ever speak to you again. Not because I’m angry or bitter, but because I shy away from drama and I don’t want to be used or abused and I don’t hang out with people that treat others that way either.


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## cjl (Jan 24, 2014)

Theseus said:


> ?? :scratchhead:
> 
> A straight guy?


He is still 18 too. Doesn't have a job. Little young minded too.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> I believe, as Theseus said, that forgiveness is necessary. Christian or not, unforgiveness – bitterness, eats away at a person. However, forgiveness does not mean that any kind of relationship should exist. I am a very forgiving person, but that doesn’t mean I’ll ever speak to you again. Not because I’m angry or bitter, but because I shy away from drama and I don’t want to be used or abused and I don’t hang out with people that treat others that way either.



Had to quote, because I cant like it 1000 times. They wont let me.


Agree 100%:smthumbup:


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Theseus and CynthiaDe raise good points. 

Your step daughter reacted in a manner completely in line with evolutionary logic. Her selfish genes got rid of a competitor but committed a crime in doing so. She could have ended up behind bars for that. She needs to understand that while she drove off a rival vagina her method was not acceptable. I would tell her to apologize to the other woman in person if that is possible. At a church so that they are on neutral ground and it cannot escalate or become evidence.

The cheating boyfriend is probably not a good boyfriend. You need not have him over for dinner if does not mend his ways. Your step-daughter is still seeing him. If they have a relationship, you may eventually have to relent.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP,

You can only do so much. I understand not wanting him in your home. I agree with it. But if she continues to pursue this thing, what else can you do but try to talk sense into her. If she is determined to make her mistakes at some point you are just going to have to pick up the pieces later on.

At this point though, you handled it perfectly.



Rival vaginas is an instant classic!! This needs to be on a t-shirt. Beware: Rival Vaginas

:rofl:


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I've learned after being in a similar situation with my SIL. Never compromise your own principles to make other people happy. I let an adulterer into my house because I was trying to be open minded for SILs sake. He ended up being a HUGE mistake on her part (surprise surprise) and I wondered why the hell I even tried to be nice to him to start with.

If you don't agree with the choices a person is making in their life, if those choices indicate that the person is not someone you want to associate with, don't invite them to sit at your dinner table. That's just my two cents.

On top of that, I wouldn't give a crap who a violent, jealous little idiot wanted to bring home; she would've lost all rights to respect and consideration in my home.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

breeze said:


> I've learned after being in a similar situation with my SIL. Never compromise your own principles to make other people happy. I let an adulterer into my house because I was trying to be open minded for SILs sake. He ended up being a HUGE mistake on her part (surprise surprise) and I wondered why the hell I even tried to be nice to him to start with.
> 
> If you don't agree with the choices a person is making in their life, if those choices indicate that the person is not someone you want to associate with, don't invite them to sit at your dinner table. That's just my two cents.
> 
> *On top of that, I wouldn't give a crap who a violent, jealous little idiot wanted to bring home;* she would've lost all rights to respect and consideration in my home.




Hey, take it easy. I don't know the OP's relationship or length of said relationship. Its quite possible that if they have had a father / daughter dynamic for a great deal of time, that he honestly sees and loves them as one of his own.

I know my non-biological son is my son. Period. I love him just as unconditionally as my own.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Cheating is forgivable. In fact any kind of transgression is forgivable. If not, we would all be paying for every one of our sins for the rest of our lives. We can't live that way.
> 
> And if you are a Christian, that's a cornerstone of your religious beliefs.
> 
> However, having said that, it doesn't mean the OP has to accept the guy coming over for dinner.


If your teaching your daughter to be a doormat. She forgave him the first time and he cheated again.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Windwalker said:


> Hey, take it easy. I don't know the OP's relationship or length of said relationship. Its quite possible that if they have had a father / daughter dynamic for a great deal of time, that he honestly sees and loves them as one of his own.
> 
> I know my non-biological son is my son. Period. I love him just as unconditionally as my own.


I wasn't assuming he doesn't love his step-daughter. I think taking a lenient standpoint on her behaviour only encourages it. He's focusing on how the boy cheated, as is the mother I imagine, and both are ignoring the real problem. They have a daughter who has very little self control and self respect and they need to address that. I had more self respect in my little finger at that age than she seems to have in her whole body. Beating up the girl but staying with the boy? She needs a good "WAKE UP!" talk, and an assault charge.

Maybe I'm more inclined to take a hard line on physical assault. I've seen too many kids in the news lately, beating up other kids, sometimes with parents cheering them on. It's disgusting.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

breeze said:


> I wasn't assuming he doesn't love his step-daughter. I think taking a lenient standpoint on her behaviour only encourages it. He's focusing on how the boy cheated, as is the mother I imagine, and both are ignoring the real problem. They have a daughter who has very little self control and self respect and they need to address that. I had more self respect in my little finger at that age than she seems to have in her whole body. Beating up the girl but staying with the boy? She needs a good "WAKE UP!" talk, and an assault charge.
> 
> Maybe I'm more inclined to take a hard line on physical assault. I've seen too many kids in the news lately, beating up other kids, sometimes with parents cheering them on. It's disgusting.


Point well taken. Just kind of a important issue to me. I was just saying to be cognizant of the fact. Agreed, physical violence really should be detested. Maybe it part of the "me" culture now? :scratchhead:

(On a sidenote I did use you comment about stroking anger in my sig. I wanted to actually ask if it was ok? I will take it off if not. Really it's like the quote of the year!)


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Lol, you can keep it, and do with it as you please. My gift to you.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Thank you! :smthumbup:

Back on topic


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

You did the right thing. Kids not allowed over. Someone needs some sense.


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