# Husband says he hates who I've become



## sesk

We have been married for six months, and our actual big wedding is in two weeks. My husband told me last week that he has extreme hatred for me. I can't breathe. 

I have been very depressed on and off for a few years because of health and school issues. It has really broken me down. I've been getting therapy for it, but it is taking time. I have a lot of ups and downs. I can see how it can wear on a person after some time, and I respect his frustration. However, he, of course, doesn't talk to me about it and just bottles it up. He doesn't want to have sex (unless he initiates-I can't EVER initiate), he refuses (literally) to help me with the housework, and he has just shut me out of every aspect of his life. I don't know his friends, he doesn't like me to stop into work, and I only really see him at the house. 

He said that he doesn't feel like I can take care of anything-not myself, not the house, and certainly not kids. All he has ever wanted is to be a father, and he said that he hates me for the fact that he can't see himself having a family with me right now. He says that what I need to do is get my head out of my butt and get my stuff together, except he didn't use such PG vocabulary. For him to use vulgar language, I know it is bad. A few days ago, he wouldn't tell me that things were fixable. Since then, he says he has seen the positive change, but I still feel like he is completely shut down. I can't fix everything over night, I know it will take some time. If he would have just said something sooner, I could have been working on it. This was all quite a shock. He has locked me out of everything except the house, and I'm growing more insecure the more that I find out.

I have no doubt that he has been faithful, and that's a huge plus. He says that I don't challenge him like I used to, and that I have completely lost my edge and sarcasm. I have. I used to be crazy in the beginning, but I've worked so hard to be less nuts that I seem to be at the other end of the extreme. I feel so insecure right now. Every day I feel more hopeless. I'm trying to be patient, it has only been a week, and he doesn't want to talk about it. He is finally letting me talk about how I feel, and I know that is a good sign, but I still feel like he has one foot out the door when he tells me that he's being prepared to do whatever he has to do. 

I know that I'm doing about everything that I can right now, but I'm scared. We have gotten through so much over four years both with him and myself. He won't go to counseling, and he doesn't want to talk about it. He just expects me to change and that he doesn't have to. I feel worthless, it's hard not to feel hopeless, and I'm feeling very impatient. 

Thanks for listening. Has anyone seen the other side?


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## sesk

I'm getting paranoid, and he's constantly living on his phone these days. He has locked me out of his bank account. I've never cared to know any other passwords, and I wouldn't want to sneak away anyway. Does anyone have any thoughts??


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## PBear

From your description, he sounds like an ass, with a big red flag re:cheating. My first thoughts, anyway...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pamvhv

He's cheating. My lovely husband did all the same things.


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## sesk

My mind keeps wanting to go to the fact that he's cheating, but he's always where he says he is. Work, gym, etc...he doesn't really wander off anywhere. We did, however, have a big talk about porn.

The newest update is that now he's telling me that he's never really thought of me as attractive. OUCH!!!! The thing that he loves about me, and why he's with me, is my "fiery, energetic personality".

We just started going to counseling. Let's see what that brings.


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## the guy

I was the other side.
Soon he will have total control over you!
Your old man is looking for a submissive, his statement is a mind phuck.

fiery, energetic personalities slap the sh1t out of people that disrespect and your old man is disrespectful.

WTF !!!!!!!!

Again your getting mind phucked!

Just so you know his next move is swinging or a three way.


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## Evinrude58

Living on the phone, saying you're unattractive, etc. yes he's talking to other women at least. I know from experience. Sorry to say I it-----I know how much it hurts to hear.
Good luck and I hope it gets better.


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## bild-a-loco

Why would you want to put yourself through this? If the guy's being that abusive to you right now, when you should still be in the honeymoon stages of your relationship, what do you think he's going to be like in a few years? 

Sometimes you have to admit to a mistake rather than lose a war. You married the wrong guy - he's abusive, cruel, and he obviously doesn't give a Natt Sass about your feelings. GET OUT before you get invested any further. Wipe the [email protected] off your shoes, get out of there, and find a guy who won't treat you like dirt. 

If he wants to be an abusive jackhole, let him go find some chick that likes being abused - just go, run, flee, and realize there are other guys out there who would probably be thrilled to see your smiling face when they get home. 

Good luck girl - but get the hades away from that jerk.


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## happy as a clam

sesk said:


> The newest update is that now he's telling me that he's never really thought of me as attractive. OUCH!!!!


:wtf: Why do you even WANT to be with this a$$? 

Why would he have married you if he never found you attractive? He is LYING to you NOW (of course he found you attractive!) to project all of his own insecurities, anger, shortcomings, and as others as predicted, probable infidelity.

Joint counseling can't help his issues; he needs serious one-on-one INTENSIVE counseling.

Get away from this jerk. You deserve much better.


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## sesk

happy as a clam said:


> :wtf: Why do you even WANT to be with this a$$?
> 
> Why would he have married you if he never found you attractive? He is LYING to you NOW (of course he found you attractive!) to project all of his own insecurities, anger, shortcomings, and as others as predicted, probable infidelity.
> 
> Joint counseling can't help his issues; he needs serious one-on-one INTENSIVE counseling.
> 
> Get away from this jerk. You deserve much better.



He is beginning individual counseling. We will see what happens. I love him, of course. He's majorly screwed up and angry, that's for sure. 

He has never been this way until the last year or so. He moved with me for me to go to grad school, and he finally admitted to his resentment about it. 

He says that he likes strong women, and hates that I've become the other way. Most of what he says is all messed up though...so who knows. 

How would I even begin to figure out if he's cheating? I can drive past the gym or wherever, but I can't go in to make sure he didn't leave with someone else. 

It was suggested to give him the cold shoulder. Maybe he needs to realize he's going to lose me. I hate playing games.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sesk

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sesk

I would also like to add that I AM pretty, and I do believe that despite all of my insecurities. I'm an awesome person, and no one will ever deal with him if I leave. He has no idea how to be in a long term relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

No offense, but if he's that unsuited for a long term relationship, why do YOU want to be with him?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sesk

No offense taken. That is a question that has crossed my mind. It's all about what happens from here, I suppose.

You have to love it when he refers to our sex as simply being sex ''between two consenting adults''...cause, ya know, sex means nothing to him except sex. That being said, at least it's really good when it happens.

He has, for two whole days, laid off about everything. All I want to do is bring it up though. He did ask me to go to the gym last night (something that I used to do a lot-not only because I'm assuming he wants me thinner), and tonight he invited me out with him and a friend (something that NEVER happens). 

Let's hope these are some improvements.


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## DadOfFour

sesk said:


> No offense taken. That is a question that has crossed my mind. It's all about what happens from here, I suppose.
> 
> You have to love it when he refers to our sex as simply being sex ''between two consenting adults''...cause, ya know, sex means nothing to him except sex. That being said, at least it's really good when it happens.
> 
> He has, for two whole days, laid off about everything. All I want to do is bring it up though. He did ask me to go to the gym last night (something that I used to do a lot-not only because I'm assuming he wants me thinner), and tonight he invited me out with him and a friend (something that NEVER happens).
> 
> Let's hope these are some improvements.


I hope you took him up on his offer and went with him, the more time you spend together outside the house, the more chance you can work things out.


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