# Sex after reconciliation



## GAgirl912 (Dec 22, 2017)

My H and I decided to reconcile after a turbulent 7 month separation and divorce filing. Before our separation, sex was infrequent.. maybe once every 2 weeks, with him initiating more often in between and my rejecting more often than not. While we were separated, he was with 3 different women that he’s admitted to. And he didn’t come back because he missed me, he came back because he had no where else to go when the woman he was living with decided she was going back to her ex boyfriend. I took him back because I missed him and felt like we should be a family for our young twins. Family life is better, we seem to communicate on some levels much better than before, but our sex life is confusing.

It’s been just under 2 months since we started sleeping together again and my sex drive has increased dramatically to the point where I want it at least once a day. Here’s where the problem starts I think. I’m not use to being turned down and he claims he’s not use to performing that much... he try’s to keep up but last night he just stopped right before he was going to perform oral blaming things like being too hot, too tired, just not into it.. whatever. A week or so ago, I also walked in on him looking at porn on his phone and he says it was to get turned on for me. 

Maybe I’m being too sensitive about the whole thing given what all has happened during our separation.. but a part of me thinks he got other things, like porn, hindering him from desiring me fully. 

Any thoughts?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yes and no.

Yes, he may have been looking at the porn to get his equipment ready.
And no, that is not a good thing.

Your equipment all laid out, staring him in the face and bumping into his nose....
That should be enough..

Porn is pixels on a screen. Nothing more.

Your equipment is warm to the touch, damp and ready. Having a good aroma. 
And that screen, with it's moaning computer speakers cannot equally deliver. 

His three girlfriends dumped him for a reason. He is not available in mind and spirit and not in body either.

It is mental impotence, not fatal, just irritating.
Hopefully, he can be retrained.

Others will tell you to dump him, he is a cheat.
That is your call, not ours.

Good luck, try to retrain him. His mind, his body, his hands.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

GAgirl912 said:


> he says it was to get turned on for me.


That could actually be true especially given the other stuff you wrote, although I have no way of knowing in your case. I know some guys do use porn to get their libido up.



GAgirl912 said:


> Maybe I’m being too sensitive about the whole thing given what all has happened during our separation.. but a part of me thinks he got other things, like porn, hindering him from desiring me fully.
> 
> Any thoughts?


All I can say is once a day is a lot of many guys, so it could be just that. How old is he?


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## GAgirl912 (Dec 22, 2017)

Rhubarb said:


> That could actually be true especially given the other stuff you wrote, although I have no way of knowing in your case. I know some guys do use porn to get their libido up.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



He’s 43 and we’ve never been this active so I imagine it’s overwhelming him a bit. But I don’t like the porn, he knows that.. it’s been an issue off and on in our marriage and his using it to get turned on for me is a degrading feeling (more so probably because of our separation period) and I guess I just don’t get it. I’m not bashing him over it, it confuses me though.



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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I do wish you luck.

I do think porn viewing by himself is a problem.

I also think you guys are in a whole world of swirling denial. Reconciliation is much harder than you hope it will be.

I do not believe people are wired to just be able to forget and move on so easily as six months.

Also, your sentence about him coming back to you because he “had no where else to go” is strange, in my opinion. He could have remained single. You must realize that. 

I suspect you meant he didn’t have another woman who wanted to take him in at that moment, and he wouldn’t consider living alone.

I don’t think he is interested in the reconciliation.

Sorry, that’s my opinion.

Good luck


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Given my own situation, I have to start by saying I am no expert. 

Here is what I am pretty sure of: 
Given that he was with at least 3 women in 7 months and was living with one who was apparently still involved with her ex bf, your husband seems to have an alley cat mentality. He is using women for sex and for shelter. You are probably only marginally different than the other women in that regard. The cost of being with you is sex, so he is trying to keep up with the rent.

For you personally, I don't think you will ever feel secure in this relationship. He has given you no real indication that he is choosing you for you, and that is going to sit in your mind forever. When problems start, you will feel he is not committed. You probably sense that now. I am guessing you are in your early 40's which is when most women have a real surge of sexual energy. In addition, many women find it an incredible turn on to know their man is desired by other women or to think of him with other women. Weird, but true. You say you missed him, but I don't really see what you missed about him. It was turbulent, there was little sex, you were clearly pushing him away by refusing sex more often than not. Maybe it's a case of you wanted back what you thought you were losing. Anyway, it seems like you are being ruled by your hormones.

The bottom line to me in this is: You took him back without a real commitment from him. He came back because it was convenient for him. No basis for naming this arrangement a "reconciliation" and no basis for a solid marriage.

Good luck.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

GAgirl912 said:


> It’s been just under 2 months since we started sleeping together again and my sex drive has increased dramatically to the point where *I want it at least once a day*. Here’s where the problem starts I think. *I’m not use to being turned down *and he claims he’s not use to performing that much... he try’s to keep up but last night he just stopped right before he was going to perform oral blaming things like being too hot, too tired, just not into it.. whatever. A week or so ago, I also walked in on him looking at porn on his phone and he says it was to get turned on for me.
> 
> Maybe I’m being too sensitive about the whole thing given what all has happened during our separation.. but a part of me thinks he got other things, like porn, hindering him from desiring me fully.
> 
> Any thoughts?


You wanting it everyday is called hysterical bonding, give it a little time - it is sure to go away. 

Of course you aren't used to being rejected, that was your job. After things settle down remember how it feels.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

Why were you both separated, did one of you have an A?

Something I seldom see asked a woman on her, but I'll will.

Are you in good shape, good hygiene, dress well? 

I read you have twins, are they're under 5 years old?
For some guys their wives are nothiing more than moms, and caretakers. Pretty difficult to get turned on with kids around them home.
Perhaps a date night, dinner and a show to break the monotony!

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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

GAgirl912 said:


> My H and I decided to reconcile after a turbulent 7 month separation and divorce filing. Before our separation, sex was infrequent.. maybe once every 2 weeks, with him initiating more often in between and my rejecting more often than not. While we were separated, he was with 3 different women that he’s admitted to. And he didn’t come back because he missed me, he came back because he had no where else to go when the woman he was living with decided she was going back to her ex boyfriend. I took him back because I missed him and felt like we should be a family for our young twins. Family life is better, we seem to communicate on some levels much better than before, but our sex life is confusing.
> 
> It’s been just under 2 months since we started sleeping together again and my sex drive has increased dramatically to the point where I want it at least once a day. Here’s where the problem starts I think. I’m not use to being turned down and he claims he’s not use to performing that much... he try’s to keep up but last night he just stopped right before he was going to perform oral blaming things like being too hot, too tired, just not into it.. whatever. A week or so ago, I also walked in on him looking at porn on his phone and he says it was to get turned on for me.
> 
> ...


*This is a perfect case for marriage and/or sexual counseling!

But please be wary of your H's intentions! His post-reconciliation actions of "warming-up" for marital sex by his viewing of porn somewhat bothers me! *


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

GAgirl912 said:


> He’s 43 and we’ve never been this active so I imagine it’s overwhelming him a bit. But I don’t like the porn, he knows that.. it’s been an issue off and on in our marriage and his using it to get turned on for me is a degrading feeling (more so probably because of our separation period) and I guess I just don’t get it. I’m not bashing him over it, it confuses me though.


Yeah 43 is getting up there. ....... As for the porn, that's your call of course. I'll say this though, usually the guy isn't thinking about the specific girl on screen. It's more the act and the fact that girls in porn often act really kinky. Of course a live woman is better if they were to do similar things but most don't for whatever reason, possibly because they find it "degrading".


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## GAgirl912 (Dec 22, 2017)

Suspicious1 said:


> Why were you both separated, did one of you have an A?
> 
> Something I seldom see asked a woman on her, but I'll will.
> 
> ...




To be honest, our separation was over anger... And during many of our pre separation fights, he would bash our sex life as being nearly non existent at once every 2 weeks... I would blame him for his past transgressions and his hateful attitude and lack of affection outside of the bedroom... we went round and round for months before the anger in this home erupted into a physical confrontation and he was asked to move out, he said if he leaves he is filing for divorce.. he wasn’t willing to admit the tension in this home was dangerous. In hindsight I don’t know what the solution at that time should’ve been... but we couldn’t live like that.

To this day he won’t admit a lot of things that happened leading up to the separation or during, and/or he acts like he doesn’t remember, he minimizes certain big things, and what I’ve read about and seen, I think he had a manic episode with the way he spent money, reached out to high school sweethearts, had relations with girls half his age, etc... and now he seems normal again. I don’t know, I’m not a psychologist.

But yes, I’m in good shape, shower twice daily, etc... I do think he’s physically attracted to me and he never has a problem performing once we get going. Our twins are older (9)... so they certainly aren’t as demanding as we’ve experienced at other ages 


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

The older a man gets the more porn causes sex performance issues.
Average man 43 should be able to have sex once a day. Having and
wanting are two separate things.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Your hysterical bonding and he isn't


Make me wonder how vested he is in reconciling! 


43 pft ....if hes in decent shape once a day should be easy.


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