# Please Help



## cpt (Dec 8, 2011)

I would like to see someone else's view on this since my husband thinks I'm a terrible person and now I "need help." Background info: We just got married 4 months ago, we have both have special needs children (I have one and he has one), and we live 3 hours apart right now due to my job. We only see each other on the weekends.

His son has a mother and we keep his son nearly all holidays and sping break and almost every other weekend. I'm a teacher and right now I'm having difficulty with my job, I'm at a point where I don't like dealing with 150 teenagers every day. I've been rethinking my career choice, to say the least. Holiday break is coming up and I told my husband that I would really like to do half and half for this holiday so that I can have a break. 1 week he goes with his mother and the other half with us. I felt that I needed some time to relax and go out to dinner, see a movie or whatever because we can't do those things with his son. We are pretty much forced to be home and my husband will not look into a babysitter. We went to counseling already for this and the counselor agreed that we should half up the time so that all involved could have a break. I thought my husband was on the same page as me. 

My husband went behind my back and told his ex that he would have him for the majority of the break. I got upset and he said I'm selfish and that I need help....that I'm asking him to abandon his son. I'm not sure how asking him to be with his mother half of the holiday is considered abandonement? The ex has 2 nannies to take care of him while we have no help while he is in our care. He needs assistance with daily tasks. 

I'm just not sure what to do. I don't see m husband that much as it is and I've been under a lot of stress. It just seems that he is not taking my feelings into account.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

There is NOTHING wrong with wanting some couple time. Your husband IS ignoring your feelings entirely and is even going behind your back to get his way. Not cool.

Why did you get married to this guy? What is he bringing to the table? You obviously are not on the same page at all and if he doesn't get how important it is to have some time as a couple, I don't see a future with him.

Not sure what to suggest since you've already been to counseling and your therapist agrees with your position.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I can see both sides on this. Perhaps you two can find a solution in the middle... his son is with you for the holiday but you get a sitter so that you can both spend time together. And maybe you can spend some time doing things that make you feel good.. massage, go to a spa, etc. That way your husband has the major part of the responsibility for his won during the holiday when there is not a sitter there.

I know that he does not want to use a sitter, but a compromise is needed.

Does your child live with you? Where will your child be for the holiday?


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Hey there.

I have an ASD son, and I so know what you're talking about. You guys NEED that break and time together for your sanity, and your marriage. We never took one, and our marriage is over after many years. If you look into it, you'll see (unfortunately,) that many marriages that have the added stress of special needs children don't make it. Which is why the 2 of you especially need to keep going to counseling and work on this long term. You can't ultimately control your husband and MAKE him see the need for this or agree with you. You can only do your best to express your side and show him the facts, and hope he gets it. Saying a prayer for you both.

Also, teaching: been there, done that. If you can hang in, do it. Left last year (either that or suicide at that point. Made the right choice.) But can't get a job. It does suck. But if you can, line up other work before you resign. Just my 2cents. 

You 2 lead a very complicated life. Your marriage should sustain you (and your husband,) not wear you down more. Do all you can to convey this to him. Best of luck in your stocking this year.


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## rogergrant (Dec 7, 2011)

How did you guys meet, go out, get to know each other well enough to get married in the first place? It sounds like your husband has a fair amount of guilt surrounding his son. I'm going to guess that mom has him full time, and your breaks are the only time your husband gets to see his son consistently. Is this wrong?


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## rogergrant (Dec 7, 2011)

Also, how does your child factor into all of this?


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