# Need some advice on my fiances excessive spending



## tony445 (Aug 27, 2013)

Hello everyone, I'll try to keep this as short as possible while providing details.
I'm engaged to a woman I've been with for almost 6 years now and like any couple we have our ups and downs. One thing I learned early on was that she had what I perceived to be a spending issue but we agreed it was something we could work on together. Over the last few years there have been slip ups such as going to yardsales and coming home with a truckload of stuff or going to the casino with friends and spending 200 rather than the 50 we agreed on but we've worked past them until now.
Last year I finally had to set some ground rules and provided each of us with a sort of personal allowance of 100 each of us could use for our personal wants every month such as that candy bar or time out with friends.
This hasn't worked out so well. I have managed to stay within my allowance limit fairly often and have even included my monthly fuel usage into it but she continues to spend 10-15 dollars a day on stuff like juice and energy drinks from the store. It totals out to be almost 300 a month worth of knick knack stuff on top of the original 100. I also just found out that she spent our rent money at the casino last week.
She says that I'm being unreasonable in canceling our joint account and wanting to be present when she pays the bills. I'm the only one working whilesshe's going to school and she expects me to work at least 15 hours of overtime a week so we can survive.
My question is, am I truly being unreasonable with taking actions to try to prevent this behavior? Even though I knew ahead of time this was going to be a struggle? She says that with canceling the account and not trusting her with the finances is causing us to go backward in our relationship and she's not interested in continuing if that's the case. I'm tired, I'm 27 years old but feel well into my 40s with the stress and how much I work. Everytime I bring that subject up I can't an answer of 'that's life'.

Any ideas or advice would be appreciated. At this point I'm looking at possibly just moving on.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Definitely move on. 

When you marry, all the income becomes marital income and you have less say so in what she does to it/with it. Why do that to yourself?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since I know zilch about how much you earn, it 's hard to know if the $100 a month each is reasonable for not. 

But to me a few things here are huge red flags. She spent the rent at the casino. If she spent the rent, how did you pay it?

She does not bring in any income but expects you to work 15 hours a week or more extra so she can blow money. Sounds like a form abuse to me. It's basically her telling you that you are wroth nothing except the $$ you earn. Your physical and mental health are not important to her. Your time is not important to her.

If she wants more than you feel is appropriate to give her then she can go get a job.

You are 27. How old is she? Do you have a degree?

How is she paying for her education?

I suggest that if your want to stay with her you give it one more chance. Get the book, "Smart Couples Finish Rich". Read it together and structure your finances according to the method in the book. 

If she cannot live by that then DO NOT marry her.

YOu will end up a very miserable man, over worked and poor.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> My question is, am I truly being unreasonable with taking actions to try to prevent this behavior?


No, you aren't being unreasonable.

She actually spent rent money at the casino when she doesn't have a job and you are supporting her studies. You've discussed, you set ground rules to which she agreed and she keeps breaking them. 

You can expect more of the same if you stay, especially if you stay. Just imagine what will happen if you have kids together! Kids cost a lot, I'm betting she won't want to work, and she'll be spending like money grows on trees "for the kids". 

Take your finances seriously and don't tie yourself to someone who doesn't. Debt is hard to climb out of and that's where you're heading fast.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

tony445 said:


> She says that with canceling the account and not trusting her with the finances is causing us to go backward in our relationship and she's not interested in continuing if that's the case.


That's the best thing that could possibly happen to you.

If you marry her the spending problems will be exponentially worse. You'll end up slaving your life away working 2 jobs just to pay for her hoarding and gambling habits. 

Financial disparity kills marriages more than any other reason including sexual infidelity, took down my marriage as well.

Cut the cord. Do it now. Or else you are in for a lifetime of pain and misery.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Marry her and by the time your 30, you'll be divorced and not only having a divorce attorney but you'll need a bankruptcy attorney also.

The girls doesn't know the value of a dollar and isn't the least bit interested. If she spent the rent money and demands that you work an extra 15 hours of overtime, you should be taking the ring off her finger even if you half to gnaw it off with your teeth, pay the rent with the money and send her selfish immature ass back to Mumsy and Daddy with a note saying 'Keep her and let her run you broke". This is not a woman you want to marry. Your getting away dirt cheap now, wait until your married and then your in beau coup trouble.


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## pepsi1967 (Aug 15, 2013)

spending the rent money shows a lack of responsibility on her part...If it was she paying all the bills and keeping a roof over your heads she would have had a fit if you gambled it away. Glad your engaged and not married....it's better to know now what your going to be dealing with then to be ruined with wedding bills and alimony. your 27. live like your 27. You did your best in working through this problem.


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## tony445 (Aug 27, 2013)

I make about 65k a year as a mill wright plus whatever odd jobs and vehicle repairs I can do. 100 doesn't seem like a lot but after you factor in monthly expenses, car loans, and her medical bills there isn't a lot left. She does get student loans for school and uses the remainder to help out a bit so we can breathe easy for a month of we're lucky. I managed to work out a deal with my landlord to rebuild the engine in his truck and he's going to write off this month's rent. I think that's all the questions. 

I really appreciate all the comments, I think more than anything I just wanted to hear someone agree with me.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> She does get student loans for school and uses the remainder to help out a bit so we can breathe easy for a month of we're lucky.


Student loans are debt and need to be repaid, like a car loan or house loan, with interest. So she's already in debt and racking up more every semester she's in school. That will also be your debt if you marry her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why doesn't she have a job? There is no reason why she cannot work a part time job. Would she qualify for a federal work study job?


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## tony445 (Aug 27, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Why doesn't she have a job? There is no reason why she cannot work a part time job. Would she qualify for a federal work study job?


Her excuse for not having a job has always been that she's taking the maximum credits allowed each semester to graduate early and she won't have time to do her school work if she has to work as well. I've never been to college so I don't have much room to dispute it or even to know what the federal work studies are.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tony445 said:


> Her excuse for not having a job has always been that she's taking the maximum credits allowed each semester to graduate early and she won't have time to do her school work if she has to work as well. I've never been to college so I don't have much room to dispute it or even to know what the federal work studies are.


Federal work study is a financial aid program. Students who get it can work 10-20 hours a week at on-campus jobs. Their wages are paid for by the federal financial aid program. They tend to be very good jobs for students because they often allow students to do homework during slow times on the job.

How many hours a semester is she taking? 12 is usually considered a normal load. When I was in college we were told that to get an A in a course most students need to spend an average of 3 hours a week per class hours. So if a person is taking a 12 hour load, they need to put in about 36 hours of study... giving them a 48 hours week between class time and study time.

It's a good average. Some classes will take almost no time and others a lot more. 

Do her parents help her out at all with school finances? Or are they letting you foot the entire bill? (well except for the loans.)

Does she get the Pel Grant?

Did she go from her parent's house to living with you? Has she ever had to support herself?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Run forest run.

she is showing her true colors see her for who she is ...an irresponcible child. do you want to wake up after being married and find out shes been running up debt behind your back.

My advice is to move on and be glad you dodged a bullet!


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## bn311 (Aug 28, 2013)

She could change her bad habits. Have one more very serious but calm talk with her. Tell her you are working your ass off to support the two of you and you love her and care about her and need her to support you too and help out by following the budget. Tell her it will not work out for the two of you and both of you are not putting in. If she continues to do it then leave. If she cares enough she will work on it.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

If she has time to spend your rent money at a casino, then she has the time for a part time job. Doesn't sound like she was to remorseful about doing that either. Sounds like she also has a gambling problem.

You definitely want to get a handle on fixing this before marriage. Also, her telling you she wasn't interested in keeping your relationship unless it is done her way, that says a lot too. You have a lot to think about, my friend.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

You've already got great advice from all the replies. Sometimes we get into a rut over something we know the answer to but our minds get clouded by so many things that we can't see clearly. I'm glad that you're able to find affirmation here.

I just wanted to add that your gf can still work while going to college. I did that in my undergrad and my husband did that in his undergrad and doctorate program. So it's possible.

Also, since you've been with your gf for a long time, it will probably be hard to break up. Have you talked to her or seek counseling as to why she's spending? Maybe it has to do something with her upbringing. You know how some people over eat and gain weight because something's bothering them and they are in denial and hide behind food? I wonder if your gf has something she doesn't want to deal with from her childhood. It might be a good thing to check on this before cutting it off for good.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You're unmarried and financially supporting her?

I hate to bash you but if you are dumb enough to do this, I'm certain she will not change after marriage.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

If you were *my* son (and I am old enough to be your mother), I'd tell you to get the hell out....YESTERDAY!

1.) You're 27yo and you've been with this girl (sorry, she's not a woman, she doesn't pull her own weight) for 6 years. That means that THIS is the ONLY adult relationship you've ever been in. Trust me, a hard-working guy like you can do WAY BETTER than this girl! She's a moocher and an excuse-maker.

2.) I work at a college so her claim that she can ONLY manage to shoehorn in her studying with no time left to work is utter crap! She has time to go to garage sales, she has time to go gambling, then she has time to WORK. You know, bring home some money. Help contribute. Take some of the burden from you. You, know....be a PARTNER (not a child). Plenty of us here at TAM (and elsewhere) have gone to school AND worked. It's done ALL THE TIME (except, apparently, by her).

3.) She views you as the daddy-figure who is going to bring home the $$$ while she gets 'taken care of'. Really?!? Why? Cuz she's such a princess?

4.) She cares more about making herself happy (buying, gambling) than she cares about you (working overtime and side jobs EVERY WEEK while she continues to piss away money on frivolous stuff like gambling). Seriously, WHY are you letting her disrespect you as an adult, as a man, as a provider? Her narcissism is going to get old REAL QUICK.

5.) Once you marry her, her debt will become YOUR JOINT debt. Don't do it. The chances of this marriage surviving long-term are VERY VERY SLIM. Why take on debt you don't have to? Why not make her woman-up and pay her own way? She'd have a whole new respect for WORK and for MONEY.

6.) Once you have children, how will you be able to afford them? They're extremely expensive and if you fiancée is this selfish NOW, she's not going to get better. What will you do the next time there's no rent money and you've got kids or sick kids? Live in a car?

7.) This girl has a gambling problem. Nobody NORMAL gambles away the equivalent of an entire month's rent. Especially not when THEY DON"T EVEN HAVE A JOB! You're a wallet to her! Not a partner! Not a hard-working MAN...you're an asset to be used and used-up.

I used to live near the casinos and remember one time seeing a woman who had a check made out for the electric company. The check was completely written out and signed. She wanted to know if she could cross off the name of the electric company and make it out to the casino so she could gamble some more. *THAT* is your fiancée. I wondered if that woman had kids who sat home in the dark!

Tell your fiancée the engagement is over. If she hopes to move forward with you any time in the future, tell her you will reconsider it in 3-4 years...ONLY after she has proven herself to be a mature, working, contributing, fiscally-responsible adult in her own life. Ask for the ring back and move on.

I *know* you think this was going to be forever.
I *know* you're thinking it would be too hard to break up.
I *know* you're thinking that you already have 6 years invested.

We ALL get that. 

But better you walk away from 6 wasted years, than 16 wasted years (and a custody fight over the kids).

You've never even TRIED a relationship with someone else. I think you'll be VERY PLEASANTLY SURPRISED to find that there are a LOT of very honest, hard-working, fun, responsible young women out there who WANT to be someone's PARTNER, not their gold-digger.

If you can't find it in you to break off the engagement (and I can't urge you strongly enough to BREAK IT OFF!), at least

use reliable birth control EVERY TIME you have sex with this girl
stop living together; force her to get SERIOUS about her finances...she can live on her own or live with her folks, but QUIT supporting her financially. This will allow you to
(a) see how much less stressful it is when you only have your own reasonable bills to pay/no gold-diggers
(b) see whether she intends to change her ways and woman-up
(c) see whether she dumps you (Mr. Wallet) once you quit paying her monthly bills​you should find the outcome very enlightening!


ETA: I was married for 19years to a fiscally-irresponsible guy (he was no man!). The stress was daily/weekly/monthly for years. It gets old REAL FAST. Time flies anyway (10 years ago you were in high school....does it really seem like 10 years? See how fast it goes!), do not burden your life with such a negative spouse. Please give YOURSELF a chance to meet someone who's more responsible, someone you can respect and who respects you, someone you would be PROUD to be married to (not just about looks, you know). 

The woman you marry will be the ONLY MOTHER your future children will ever have. Is this fiancée of yours the 'gift' you want to give your children? Don't burden them with a selfish, irresponsible mother! They deserve the BEST you can find, and this girl is NOT IT.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Here is your solution, it's very simple really:

*Pre-paid debit card*. 

Load it up with $100 per month (or whatever amount you want) and she can never go over-budget. 

And blowing your rent money at the casino is inexcusable. I don't think you should necessarily dump her, but separate those finances like yesterday.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

With all due respect, the debit card only solves her over-spending problem. It doesn't address:

her gambling problem
her refusal to work
her attitude that if you're not paying all the bills, we're through

Her attitude is selfish and STINKS! A debit card is not gonna fix that!


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## marko (Jul 22, 2013)

slowly getting wiser said it really well. 

close off any money she gets from you, you might need to pay all the bills and essentially submit a bill to her for her share. do not trust her with any of YOUR money. she has her own from the student loan, if that is not enough she can work. my wife did it. 

as others have said, if she has time for garage sales all the time and the casino, she has time to work. period.

lay down the law, sell the crap she brought home from the garage sale. clean the house out of anything that you do not want. if you do overtime at work then put it in a separate account she cannot touch. sell some of her stuff to pay off the debt. if there are items in the house she can take and sell for cash to gamble put them in storage.

if there is a gambling issue she will do anything she wants to get cash. make sure she understands she is on the last leg with you. 

what will she be doing to help pay off the rent she blew? will she be doing anything extra to help you with the engine rebuild? will she be buying parts or there to help hand you tools or get dirty? you will be getting skinned knuckles and filthy from it, she should be there to help out. maybe she should be cooking a nice supper for you when you get home, so you can get started on the engine work. 

I have seen some women go to school, get their diploma. they get out of university/college and get preggos right away, they do nothing with their education and now they are busy having babies and raising them and their "career" falls down the drain because they have not been using it and keeping up to the updates in the field.

hopefully she wakes up and realizes what she has been doing and you two stay together and grow old with lots of grand babies around ,but if she does not then again, as others have stated you will be paying for all her crap for the rest of her life.

good luck


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