# why does it hurt?



## tia41 (Mar 10, 2010)

This is the third day that I know he was talking to an other woman and is still hurts. I feel like crying. I don't want to do anything except read the comments and advice of people. He wants to let this story end he says there was nothing there and I am the only woman he loves. Why does it hurt though?


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

By talking what do you mean? Just friendly conversation or talking about hooking up?


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## mva (Mar 26, 2010)

get private with him and speak to him about everything you feel about his conversation with other females


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

it hurts b/c you are, at some level, accepting the idea that what he's done is a reflection on your worth as a person. It is NOT. YOU are deserving of love and loyalty. Keep reminding yourself--and him--of that, and insist on counseling. His behavior is a warning sign that there are problems in the marriage, serious ones, and you either address them now or things will not improve and will very, very likely get worse.

You need to decide that you will not tolerate such behavior from him, that counseling is essential to staying together, that you will be willing to work on what he needs from you as long as he's working on what you need from him--or, you will separate. There is no other way to move forward if you don't take a stand. If you forgive him and just "trust" that he'll stop such behaviors, the two of you will fall into old patterns and dissatisfaction will arise again and he'll be back at it, sooner or later. If he refuses counseling, go yourself--and learn what changes you can make to improve the marriage, learn how to evaluate whether or not it's working, and learn to stand tall and alone if that's what it ultimately comes to. But please, do not let him just hide this away with "it was nothing." He is feeling the need to venture out and the "why" of this needs to be addressed between you, as painful as it is for both of you--and you will have things you need to say to him that are painful for him to hear too. But without that type of sharing, you will never rebuild trust and intimacy. 

Remember, his desire to venture out is NOT a reflection on you as a person. It should have been addressed by him telling you this, and the two of you discussing why he felt that way--his own insecurities are likely involved, and something that isn't working well for him within the marriage. THAT IS NOT YOUR 'FAULT.' Do not let him shift blame for his behavior onto you! But at the same time, accept responsibility for improving the marriage (as he must, too). Two very different things!


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