# My husband lied to me, went to a strip club and paid for 2 lap dance.



## 356660 (5 mo ago)

Hi,

My husband of 10 years recently went to a strip club with friends and paid for 2 lap dances. He was supposed to be out with his boss and coworkers for dinner and drinks. He lied to me and said he was at a bar after dinner. 

He was very late so I called him and he didn't pick up. Something inside me told me to Google the place he said he was. I saw the place closes at 11 pm and he texted me after. 

I finally got him on the phone and asked or yelled where are you. I checked and the place you stayed you are it is closed. He immediately said strip club. (Probably told the truth in drunkness or that he is not a good liar) 

Once he got home he admitted to getting g a lap dance. I was furious. I did not let him in the room. The next day after I was home from work I found he had not only 1 but 2 lap dances.

I don't know what to do or how to feel...

I'm furious. I personally consider that cheating. When you pay for someone to provide a sexual service. 

I need advice. I can't tell anyone I know.

Please help.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I’d be furious too. So does he have his own credit card or carry cash a lot? In other words is this really a one time thing or just the time he got caught. Many places a lap dance is just like a prostitute in others it’s strictly look no touch? Which one is yours.

More importantly what do you want to do? You said you considered it cheating. As would I.

I’d also be pissed he lied to me twice. What else is he lying about?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sounds a lot like this post:
*Lap Dance x3 with Touching and MARRIED*

Maybe you’ll find the responses to the thread above interesting.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SimZ said:


> Hi,
> 
> My husband of 10 years recently went to a strip club with friends and paid for 2 lap dances. He was supposed to be out with his boss and coworkers for dinner and drinks. He lied to me and said he was at a bar after dinner.
> 
> ...


It's cheating. It's getting off with a sex worker. And the lying is even worse. Spending your joint money secretly, all not acceptable. I hope you're in a position where you can do what you want to do about it.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

If you consider it cheating, treat it like cheating. If he came home and said he'd paid for a prostitute, what would you do? Do that. For me, if there's no longer a sexual component between the two of us, which is what cheating means, then you have to look at the big picture and decide how you want to move forward.

I can tell you this much, once he's been with someone else and doesn't want me any more, I'm not going to beg him to please lower himself to have sex with me. That would be the end of the sexual component of our marriage. If he wanted to stay together for the kids and he can fool around on the side, we could discuss it, but honestly, that's not really a marriage and it's not healthy for anyone. Once he's gone outside the marriage it's a matter of time until he leaves. May as well rip off the bandaid.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Unlike you I don't consider going to a strip club cheating. More like a waste of money. 

The lying is the troubling aspect but you know he lied because he knew you were going to overreact. He thought lying was the path of least resistance. That is not good but it may be forgivable. 

However if you want to see it as he cheated then lied about it, your marriage is over because you will never again be able to trust him. Now what?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Let's say you went to a bar, got drunk, and paid the guy behind the bar $200 to dry hump you. Would that be okay with your husband?


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

I also see it as a waste of money. Out of mutual respect I would hope my partner wouldn't have a desire to go however, going and sitting around while the girls dance is one thing. Actually paying someone to be on you is another. 

Now, as an example, my husband went to a club with a coworker and didn't want to seem like a punk, so instead of bowing out he went, didn't tell me which was the bother some part really. Also, the thing I think that bugged me most is, literally we had a pole in our house. I was, at the time adventurous that way. I'd make up little routines, workout on it (that really is a thing) just to have fun and feel good. He made a big fuss when I got it, thought it was the best idea, this is going to be great, yada yada. Never bothered to watch or really take any interest (it took away from his drinking which was the most important thing.)

I don't know, just wondering if there is more than you'd put here, more details that showcase an already growing tension or struggle before this event?


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I'd make up little routines, workout on it (that really is a thing) just to have fun and feel good. He made a big fuss when I got it, thought it was the best idea, this is going to be great, yada yada. Never bothered to watch or really take any interest (it took away from his drinking which was the most important thing.)


Reminds me of King of Queens...
I get your point, but it is something different for men if their untrained wife is using the pole or a professional toned stripper.
Wouldn't see it as proof a guy isn't into pole dancing. Just not from their average wife maybe.

What I would be worried about as wife with a husband that payed for lapdance is that he doesn't bother that deep inside the stripper didn't want to do what she did for him. Even worse if he touched her, that she didn't fancy being touched by him.
He didn't care. All that mattered was his lust obviously.

Not a good sign.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

elliblue said:


> Reminds me of King of Queens...
> I get your point, but it is something different for men if their untrained wife is using the pole or a professional toned stripper.
> Wouldn't see it as proof a guy isn't into pole dancing. Just not from their average wife maybe.
> 
> ...


I do understand your point entirely. And it's NOT the same for sure! But it's definitely more spice than the average marriage gets and certainly was more than his first two marriages and didn't hurt I was 20 years younger. 

You are totally correct about a it being trouble when the hubs doesn't bother to have a connection like that with his own wife who's willing. I'm wondering if OP is willing? And I'm not talking willing to play the part of a dancer, I mean in general, being in tune to her husbands needs and desire as opposed to the obsessing over what connection might be being made with other women and the why she is so worried about it? There's got to be something more.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

For me this is way way over anything I would accept and it's likely it's not his first time.
Yes I definitely consider it cheating.
I wouldn't want to share a home with a guy who treated me that way and who cheated and lied.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

I mean it’s one thing to go to a strip club and it’s another to allow a woman to give you a lap dance (or two). Most men will get boners during a good lap dance unless they’re too drunk to get it up. I used to have a friend who was an ex stripper and she told me that sometimes men would even cum in their pants.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

SimZ said:


> Hi,
> 
> My husband of 10 years recently went to a strip club with friends and paid for 2 lap dances. He was supposed to be out with his boss and coworkers for dinner and drinks. He lied to me and said he was at a bar after dinner.
> 
> ...


As a 73-year old man, I have seen a lot. You have every right to feel what you feel.

Let me make a few comments. In this day and age going ".......out with his boss and coworkers for dinner and drinks......." and ending up at a Strip Club is a way for everyone to get fired. First of all it creates a very oppressive and hostile office environment for the women who work for that company. You might ask him how he would feel about such things happening, if he had a daughter, sister or wife that worked at that company. Tell him that a "real man" would have had the courage and spoken up and explained why he wasn't going to go. Tell him you expect better of him next time or if he doesn't feel he can change the culture of his office, you expect him to find another job elsewhere.

Once he got there he had gone down the slippery slope. If a group of guys are sitting near each other and a dancer does one lap dance he is in a very uncomfortable position. The Strippers make their money by reading men and by manipulating men and their emotions. Their customers mean nothing to them, they are just a source of money. I can assure you (I was my house social chairman in college and hired strippers for parties--not something I am proud of) Strippers are good at reading and manipulating men. Once your husband was there and sitting down, she probably gave him suggestive looks, after she finished with some of the other men, she probably sat on his lap, talked to him in a way that make him feel special and then asked for a dance. A lap dance is typically the length of a song, which goes by very quickly. It is called a strip tease, because it is much more tease than anything else. Teasing through multiple songs is how they run up the cost.

What your husband did was wrong on many levels. It could have been much worse. The stripper is not really competition to the love you can give him. He could have had a sexual affair with someone he was romantically involved with.

What you did was understandable, but denying him into the room was a mistake. Also if you are withholding sex as a weapon against him that is a mistake. Hopefully you aren't and hopefully you can forgive him. Talk to him, get him to understand how wrong it was and how if he ever does that again, you will divorce him, if that is how you feel.

One of the best pieces of human analysis I ever heard about teenage boys was that a teenage boy, when he is alone barely has a brain. Put two of them in the same place and they have at most half a brain. Put three or more of them in the same place and they have no brains. Adult men, when exposed to alcohol and strippers have even less brainpower. In college I saw that repeatedly.

Your husband is a human being and humans make mistakes. The question is can he learn from his mistake and can you forgive him this once?

Good luck.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> I mean it’s one thing to go to a strip club and it’s another to allow a woman to give you a lap dance (or two). Most men will get boners during a good lap dance unless they’re too drunk to get it up. I used to have a friend who was an ex stripper and she told me that sometimes men would even cum in their pants.


Sure they do. And the restroom is verrry busy, I'm told. Guys don't go to strip clubs to give themselves blue balls, you know. They are going to get off.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

no nookie for this cookie!!!

yes, it's cheating to most people. forgivable probably, but that's for you to decide, as the above poster says, he is human, messed up. if this was a one-off or in a series of lies/messedupness.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> I mean it’s one thing to go to a strip club and it’s another to allow a woman to give you a lap dance (or two). Most men will get boners during a good lap dance unless they’re too drunk to get it up. I used to have a friend who was an ex stripper and she told me that sometimes men would even cum in their pants.


Strippers are not for the most part not prostitutes, although some are. They are sex workers, but most keep their panties on, when in contact with their clients. Most clubs (and dancers) have rules against clients touching the dancers (some even require the dancers to were two sets of panties), which means that the strippers are in control of how far they go with lap dances. On stage, that is another matter some are fully nude and some perform simulated sex acts to get their audience aroused. It is called strip tease, with the emphasis on the word tease. They make their money by sexually arousing men, making men feel good about themselves and manipulating men. Some even specialize in mostly talking to men during a "dance."

What you are saying is true and some men have little self control. However, the wife will not know unless he tells her if he ejaculated. Hopefully, he had more self control and stopped things at two dances. It would have been better if he had no dances and even still better if he had not gone at all.

I totally agree with those that think it is a waste of money. The clients of strippers are for the most part being totally manipulated by women who only wanted from them the contents of their wallets.

The guy made a huge error in judgement.


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## 356660 (5 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> I’d be furious too. So does he have his own credit card or carry cash a lot? In other words is this really a one time thing or just the time he got caught. Many places a lap dance is just like a prostitute in others it’s strictly look no touch? Which one is yours.
> 
> More importantly what do you want to do? You said you considered it cheating. As would I.
> 
> I’d also be pissed he lied to me twice. What else is he lying about?


He said it was a no touch place. $20 a Lap dance. I just can't fathom the thought of paying some stranger to dry hump you and that is ok???

Why do Ken feel strip club are ok and it's not cheating...??? What if I did that you know.

And then the lying. We both like to go out and enjoy as we live in NYC but now even if he tells me what he is doing how am I to even believe it.

I feel so lost. I hate this.


DownByTheRiver said:


> It's cheating. It's getting off with a sex worker. And the lying is even worse. Spending your joint money secretly, all not acceptable. I hope you're in a position where you can do what you want to do about it.


The sad thing is he thinks strip club are ok and lap dances. Apparently never discussed my feeling on this before. But if he lied he knew I wouldn't like it. So why go? And why pay twice!

I dont know what to do. Or how to feel.

Worst thing is I'm probably a decent looking women. People say I look like a model. I look 10 years younger than 40. I'm smart. A nurse. I cook and clean and do everything. I could probably get any man so quickly but that doesn't cross my mind. Even when I go out and get tipsy.

Just lost.


Young at Heart said:


> As a 73-year old man, I have seen a lot. You have every right to feel what you feel.
> 
> Let me make a few comments. In this day and age going ".......out with his boss and coworkers for dinner and drinks......." and ending up at a Strip Club is a way for everyone to get fired. First of all it creates a very oppressive and hostile office environment for the women who work for that company. You might ask him how he would feel about such things happening, if he had a daughter, sister or wife that worked at that company. Tell him that a "real man" would have had the courage and spoken up and explained why he wasn't going to go. Tell him you expect better of him next time or if he doesn't feel he can change the culture of his office, you expect him to find another job elsewhere.
> 
> ...


Thank you dear and kind sir for your words.

I really needed to read your post right now.

My husband is typically a very decent man. 

I also stated why couldn't you just say no to your boss. Why put yourself in that situation. Mayne perhaps because I just miscarried a few weeks ago he was not of sound mind plus the alcohol. Who knows. 

However I will discuss as you suggested that this can never happen again. I think he knows that now. As he has never seen me so angry and distraught as I have been the past few days. He, himself is even crying in regret of the decision he made. He never realized how seriously I take such actions. 

Again thank you thank you for your words. 

Much Appreciated.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

SimZ said:


> The sad thing is he thinks strip club are ok and lap dances.


Ask him it if would be ok for you to take off all your clothes and dry hump a stranger for money. If the answer is no, it was cheating. He went outside the marriage for sex. This is the first time THAT YOU KNOW OF. Since he believes he should be able to have sex outside the marriage, I would go today and get tested for STDs, who knows what he's brought home to you. 

He is making excuses with that nonsense about his boss. No employer says "cheat on your wife or you're fired." He likely goes all the time and pays cash so you won't know. 

The reason he's upset is he's afraid you will 1. hold him accountable and 2. find out about everything else he's been doing. Cheaters lie. It's called "trickle truth."

If you're ok with him having an extracurricular love life then you can let this go. You do NOT deserve to be tossed aside for a younger woman on a whim. He knew this wasn't ok and did it anyway.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I do understand your point entirely. And it's NOT the same for sure! But it's definitely more spice than the average marriage gets and certainly was more than his first two marriages and didn't hurt I was 20 years younger.
> 
> You are totally correct about a it being trouble when the hubs doesn't bother to have a connection like that with his own wife who's willing. I'm wondering if OP is willing? And I'm not talking willing to play the part of a dancer, I mean in general, being in tune to her husbands needs and desire as opposed to the obsessing over what connection might be being made with other women and the why she is so worried about it? There's got to be something more.


But isn't it victim blaming? 
You concider ir is to some extend the wifes fault.

I mean the pole dancing was really big a couple of years ago. Some women felt they could keep the sexusl desire of their spouse by doing or learning it. 
Even I concidered it myself, but I realised (ok thanks to King of Queens and other comedy shows) that it was ridiculous.

You're right, but maybe on the wrong track.
There is indeed something more. But I am afraid it might be the opposit(?) of what you think or simply not the whole story or truth.
Let me try to explain!

I just read in another thread, that even if you are trying to give such husband _*'the porns star bedroom experience, being a 10*_*'* the husband or spouse wouldn't be happy.

That is what I realised about my partner at that time. He kept fancying other women and I blamed myself. The way I looked...

It took me years after the relationship to understand that there was something off with my partner and our connection. His lack of desire for me wasn't due to me not being good enough.
We just didn't have the right connection with one another and he hadn't the right mindset to desire a woman through emotional connection. 

And this (the emotional connection) might be that *something more* you're actually questionning. 

This something more is that physical connection due to emotions that most women feel that makes them forget all the other guys. 
A connection a lot of men don't have with their wifes unfortunately.

Those moments that women realise this *'something more'* is missing in their husband are those moments they discover the husband is cheating or desires another women.

I think most women don't really mind their husband thinking other women are attractive too. Some do surely. But I am not talking about those extremes.

The problem is when the guy is investing his energy in getting to talk, to see or touch an other woman he doesn't even know just because she looks a certain way.

Such spouse is proving that random woman is doing something to him that makes him go the extra mile and what he isn't getting from his wife. And this something might be plain sexual, but what most women seek is a sexual desire that is based on emotions and based on who they are as a person rather then their plain physics which can be challenged by many other women outthere. There is always someone more sexy then you. But we want to be desired for how and who you are as individual/woman. Men do too...

And then there comes along a woman who shouldn't mean anything to your husband. 
The stripper didn't do anything significant for him and his life. She's only looking a certain way and suddenly you, the person who did so much for him, and your feelings become unimportant to him. Only because he wants to touch that woman. So her body is more important then everything you did for him?

What women are doing in such situation is to evaluate if such a partner who is easily distracted by some naked skin of a desperate victim of sex trafficing is worth investing any further. 

Does he know that woman? 
Is she doing it for fun? 
He doesn't care in his lust obviously.

Why should women be willing in contributing and accepting a husband participating in this sad path of evolution in which it doesn't matter if women have to sell their body without enjoying what is happening to them and being hurt and disgusted?
A woman who does that could become a prostitude herself. But most women don't because whe seek quality in our sexual spouses...

If the stripper desired what the guy wanted from her, why would she take his money?

The money is only a desperate way of trying to make a living and compensating for allowing men to cross her emotional and sexual boundaries.

The husband was willing to cross her boundaries and emotionally harming her by giving her money. Money he could have invested in his loving wife and propably kids. 
Instead he threw away his money for a sick pimp in the background and desperate acting stripper who didn't even fancied being touched by him.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

My industry is rife with strip clubs and crazy party behavior. I have never gone, I’m married.

I have been called gay and all kinds of other expletives.

My response is ok, if you think I am not a man get yourself a mouth piece and let’s step in the boxing ring whenever you want. I won’t even punch for the first two rounds so you will have 6 minutes to try and hit me, but be warned because after that I will send you to the hospital.

So far no takers.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sure they do. And the restroom is verrry busy, I'm told. Guys don't go to strip clubs to give themselves blue balls, you know. They are going to get off.


No, most guys do just leave with no sex. Most of the strip clubs would fire an employee going into the bathroom with a guy. That’ll get them shut down. I’m sure there are excretions.

OP is right to be upset. But your depiction of what goes in there and your overall view of men is incorrect in my opinion based on my experience. Have you ever been to a strip club? Been in the men’s room there?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SimZ said:


> He said it was a no touch place. $20 a Lap dance. I just can't fathom the thought of paying some stranger to dry hump you and that is ok???
> 
> Why do Ken feel strip club are ok and it's not cheating...??? What if I did that you know.
> 
> ...


It's not a no touch place. He got a lap dance. They touch him but he can't touch them. They grind on him and put their boobs in his face. And I don't think there's been a lap dance that was $20 for about 40 years.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> No, most guys do just leave with no sex. Most of the strip clubs would fire an employee going into the bathroom with a guy. That’ll get them shut down. I’m sure there are excretions.
> 
> OP is right to be upset. But your depiction of what goes in there and your overall view of men is incorrect in my opinion based on my experience. Have you ever been to a strip club? Been in the men’s room there?


I didn't say the girls went into the restroom with them. That's where they jerk off or their cars. For enough money they go into the back room with them or lap dance.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's not a no touch place. He got a lap dance. They touch him but he can't touch them. They grind on him and put their boobs in his face. And I don't think there's been a lap dance that was $20 for about 40 years.


You are highly mistaken.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's not a no touch place. He got a lap dance. They touch him but he can't touch them. They grind on him and put their boobs in his face. And I don't think there's been a lap dance that was $20 for about 40 years.


The really trashy places will do $20 lap dances. Usually those are the teaser; the blow jobs/hand jobs/sex in the back room are more expensive. They get them started for $20/song and then move on.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> You are highly mistaken.


Spoken as a true devotee of the art!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> The really trashy places will do $20 lap dances. Usually those are the teaser; the blow jobs/hand jobs/sex in the back room are more expensive. They get them started for $20/song and then move on.


I suppose it all depends where you are but I wouldn't think New York would be cheap. $20 here is putting put in the g-string just to watch them dance.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I suppose it all depends where you are but I wouldn't think New York would be cheap. $20 here is putting put in the g-string just to watch them dance.


Oh yeah, NYC would be more I would hope. 😉


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Bah who cares…

The last time I was even close to it I went after work to a dive bar close to my house with some guys.

A lady comes up to us in panties and is like “do you want some raffle tickets”? I’m like WHAT THE F? The owner is like oh yeah dude it is lingerie night. Ok well bye bye then!

Married guys around hoochies is a no no at any price. The proper response is to leave immediately.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Despicable conduct indeed. There should be CONSEQUENCES for your H OP! 

I would NOT disrespect the woman I love to go to a strip club, never mind allow a stripper to give me a lap dance. My private parts are reserved for the woman I love! They are hers to do whatever she wants whenever!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> You are highly mistaken.


Maybe she is talking Thialand.🤣


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

If your hubby got a $20 lap dance or 2 then he wasn't having sex with a stripper at least, so there is that. A lap dance goes on for the length of a song and clubs use shorter, 3 minute songs on purpose. It's a tease and not much else. You're entitled to your feelings equating a strip club to cheating and it's up to you to decide what to do.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

$20 for a lap dance in NYC is quite cheap. There was certainly nothing more at that price and she probably danced for him for less than 3 minutes. That being said, he should not have hidden this from you or lied about it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Spoken as a true devotee of the art!


I’ve been to one once in the last 25 years. I don’t consider myself a true devotee as you say, but thanks.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SimZ said:


> He said it was a no touch place. $20 a Lap dance. I just can't fathom the thought of paying some stranger to dry hump you and that is ok???
> 
> Why do Ken feel strip club are ok and it's not cheating...??? What if I did that you know.
> 
> ...


The problem isn't with how you look but about him having low moral values. He thinks its ok to go to such places you dont, yet he went anyway. You do realize its unlikely this is his first time? You have different boundaries.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Enigma32 said:


> If your hubby got a $20 lap dance or 2 then he wasn't having sex with a stripper at least, so there is that. A lap dance goes on for the length of a song and clubs use shorter, 3 minute songs on purpose. It's a tease and not much else. You're entitled to your feelings equating a strip club to cheating and it's up to you to decide what to do.


Just because there is no actual sexual intercourse involved doesn't mean its not cheating. Its still a very sexual experience with someone you aren't married to.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Just because there is no actual sexual intercourse involved doesn't mean its not cheating. Its still a very sexual experience with someone you aren't married to.


A $20 lap dance in the city is really, really far from sexual intercourse. As to whether or not is is cheating, that is up to the parties involved, not you and I. Sexual experience? Maybe. I used to hit strip clubs all the time back in the day and what you get with a lap dance varies greatly. Is she one of the hotter girls in the club? Good at giving lap dances or no? Does she touch the guy much at all or disgusted by him and just earning her $20? I've had a few sexy lap dances and I've had some that were just a joke and my friends and I would pay for each other to get stuck with the ugly girl's lap dance for fun. Everything isn't the same.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Just because there is no actual sexual intercourse involved doesn't mean its not cheating. Its still a very sexual experience with someone you aren't married to.


Agreed, but equating it with cheating is silly. 
It is a sexual experience, so I understand why women don’t like it, and I think it is an understandable boundary if a wife chooses to set it as such.
And if a wife has set no strip clubs/lap dances as a boundary, then her husband doing so would be inappropriate behavior and a violation of marital trust. 
And that is problematic, but I don’t think classifying a lap dance as “cheating” is reasonable or rational.

Just like if a wife was at a club dancing closely / sexually with another man - extremely inappropriate and unacceptable behavior (at least in my world) that would need to be dealt with swiftly and decisively - but it doesn’t qualify as cheating.

The more you lower the threshold for what qualifies as cheating, the less meaning the word has.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

elliblue said:


> What I would be worried about as wife with a husband that payed for lapdance is that he doesn't bother that deep inside the stripper didn't want to do what she did for him. Even worse if he touched her, that she didn't fancy being touched by him.
> 
> He didn't care. All that mattered was his lust obviously.


Come on now, the woman is a stripper ffs, doing it for $ I hardly think she'd be bothered by it. 




Evinrude58 said:


> No, most guys do just leave with no sex. Most of the strip clubs would fire an employee going into the bathroom with a guy. That’ll get them shut down. *I’m sure there are excretions.*


Freudian slip? 

OP, I would be heartbroken and furious if my husband went to a place like that. IMO real men don't do that. Yuck. BUT, we have discussed this several times over our relationship, and he knows my feelings on this. Did you and your husband discuss it beforehand?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DudeInProgress said:


> Agreed, but equating it with cheating is silly.
> It is a sexual experience, so I understand why women don’t like it, and I think it is an understandable boundary if a wife chooses to set it as such.
> And if a wife has set no strip clubs/lap dances as a boundary, then her husband doing so would be inappropriate behavior and a violation of marital trust.
> And that is problematic, but I don’t think classifying a lap dance as “cheating” is reasonable or rational.
> ...


Many people would see a lap dance as cheating. Just as many men would see their wife having a fumble and kiss with another man as cheating. 
Along with the lies it's way over the line of what any married person should do.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Many people would see a lap dance as cheating. Just as many men would see their wife having a fumble and kiss with another man as cheating.
> Along with the lies it's way over the line of what any married person should do.


There are a lot of things that are inappropriate and “over the line” of what a married person should do - that don’t qualify as cheating.
And I’m not defending lap dances as appropriate for a married man, but I think it’s absurd to classify a lap dance as cheating.

I do classify kissing as cheating, and it’s way more intimate than a lap dance.

Again, let’s not dilute the term “cheating” to mean anything we personally find inappropriate, because then it means nothing.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

as I have never been to a strip club I am not able to say much on this one,

What is cheating for you is what ever you and he think is off limits,
for me many posters here are cheaters if their wife can not see what their other half is posting about them 

TO me not knowing what happens in a club I THINK IT WAS MORE inappropriate but I don't like men that don't phone their wife before they go to something with co workers, 
and Co workers have a way of getting each other in to crap


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

DudeInProgress said:


> There are a lot of things that are inappropriate and “over the line” of what a married person should do - that don’t qualify as cheating.
> And I’m not defending lap dances as appropriate for a married man, but I think it’s absurd to classify a lap dance as cheating.
> 
> I do classify kissing as cheating, and it’s way more intimate than a lap dance.
> ...


I definately classify lap dances as cheating on both a physical and emotional level. Cheating is not just about forging a connection with another individual it is also DISCONNECTING from your partner. 

Even if you sliced the concept very thin as to not consider it cheating then you have taken porn usage to the next level and made actual cheating far far far more likely.


----------



## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

frenchpaddy said:


> as I have never been to a strip club I am not able to say much on this one,
> 
> What is cheating for you is what ever you and he think is off limits,
> for me many posters here are cheaters if their wife can not see what their other half is posting about them
> ...


I have made it a rule not to become friends with coworkers. Work makes you feel closer to them than you actually are.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

yes the day the crap hits the fan they will through you under the buss


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## 356660 (5 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> There are a lot of things that are inappropriate and “over the line” of what a married person should do - that don’t qualify as cheating.
> And I’m not defending lap dances as appropriate for a married man, but I think it’s absurd to classify a lap dance as cheating.
> 
> I do classify kissing as cheating, and it’s way more intimate than a lap dance.
> ...


I believe it's a low form of it. I mean knowingly paying for someone to dance on top of you. Make your **** hard?

What if a woman had that done? Why do people legitimize lap dances?


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## 356660 (5 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> Agreed, but equating it with cheating is silly.
> It is a sexual experience, so I understand why women don’t like it, and I think it is an understandable boundary if a wife chooses to set it as such.
> And if a wife has set no strip clubs/lap dances as a boundary, then her husband doing so would be inappropriate behavior and a violation of marital trust.
> And that is problematic, but I don’t think classifying a lap dance as “cheating” is reasonable or rational.
> ...


Dancing closely and paying are two different things. I find it disgusting to pay for something like that or dance with another person that is not your spouse if you are married.

AND you have a drop dead gorgeous wife at home. I don't get it. I never will. Disgusting and embarrassing.


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## 356660 (5 mo ago)

frusdil said:


> Come on now, the woman is a stripper ffs, doing it for $ I hardly think she'd be bothered by it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


We never really discussed it. I didn't think we had to. We both like to go out and enjoy ourselves so maybe he thought I wouldn't be bothered. But going to a strip club to watch vs paying for a lap dance are two very different things to me.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Definitely cheating, but I’d rate it not nearly as bad as some other examples.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

@SimZ 

Your husband going to this strip club & getting a lap dance had _*absolutely nothing to do with you*_*,* what you look like or how attractive he finds you. A drunk guy felt peer pressure from his colleagues & participated so as not to feel singled out. That may make him weak. It may make him immature. It certainly calls into question the character / morals of his colleagues but it was never about you. I bet you didn't even cross his mind. 

If you have never previously talked to him about how you feel about strip clubs & lap dances -- that you think they are cheating -- you can't really punish him for crossing a line he knew nothing about. Since the was the 1st time this happened & he lied about it, I suspect it's not his favorite form of entertainment and his was a bit ashamed that he had done it, hence he lied to you about it. Talk calmly with him about your feelings. Raise all the points you raised here about the cheating, how he'd feel if the roles were reversed & the waste of money. See if you can extract a promise from him not to do it again. Then work together to find a path to forgiveness & healing. 

Obviously, if this starts to be the new drinks after work place, instead of a one off, then you have much bigger problems.


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## 356660 (5 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> @SimZ
> 
> Your husband going to this strip club & getting a lap dance had _*absolutely nothing to do with you*_*,* what you look like or how attractive he finds you. A drunk guy felt peer pressure from his colleagues & participated so as not to feel singled out. That may make him weak. It may make him immature. It certainly calls into question the character / morals of his colleagues but it was never about you. I bet you didn't even cross his mind.
> 
> ...


@D0nnivain 

Thank you for you response.

It helps to read this.

It is a 1st time he has gone this far.

I know I need to let it go.

He's devastated at himself. Crying all weekend. I am trying to come to reason. It is just so recent that I will probably need time even though perhaps it wasn't about me. I just can't get over the lying and error in judgment. It's tough for me to swallow. He was my safe place.

Sigh.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You don't need to let it go. You do need to address it. Talk calmly about it; then forgive him & move on. Avoiding the discussion or sweeping it under the rug will only allow resentment to grow & fester. That is not healthy at all. He's clearly contrite so I don't think your marriage is at risk.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Guys going to strip clubs and paying chicks to dance around in their undies and climb into their laps and squirm around on them is not cheating. 

It's stupid. It's immature. It's boarish. It's a complete wast of time and money. It's foolish. It's irresponsible. It's juvenile. It's disrespectful to themselves and their spouses. It's low brow and undignified. It's exploitive to the men. And it's certainly dumb and sophomoric. 

But it's not cheating. 

In fact they could only dream of getting with these chicks like that in real life under any other circumstances besides shelling out cold, green cash. 

These guys aren't cheating - they are being played. These gals wouldn't cheat with them or hook up with them for all the tea in China. They would just take their money. They are being played and manipulated and exploited and are making fools of themselves. 

If you want to kick his ass or even dump him for being a loser and a schmuck and a fool, that is one thing. 

But you can't really do anything to him for cheating because he wasn't even able to cheat. He had to pay some gal to gyrate around on him while he was fully clothed and he wasn't even allowed to lay his hands on her. 

He ain't a cheater. He's a loser chump LOL


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

SimZ said:


> @D0nnivain
> 
> Thank you for you response.
> 
> ...


He's devastated at himself, and crying all weekend about it?

Wtf is up with that. Just apologize if felt the need to, then move on. 

If hes crying over it he either should get an Emmy for best actor, or he's not man enough to apologize and let it go, chips fall where they may.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Crying over it is a bit much. But the point is, apparently he has enough empathy to feel the pain he caused you. What he did was childish and yes it was cheating because he knew better and did it anyway. Any emotional attachment to the dancer? Nope. Any putting his own childish desires ahead of your feelings? Yep….. 

I think you could reasonably request that he no longer go out drinking with his work buddies, because he’s too big of a child to keep himself out of trouble. That’s a CONSEQUENCE of his behavior, and you can let him know the consequences of breaking that boundary as long as you really mean to enforce it. Then about all you can do is forgive and move on. But not forget. I wouldn’t bring it up in unrelated arguments….. not fair…. But I’d be watchful for the going out with work buddies after 8pm again.
Good luck


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## 356660 (5 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> He's devastated at himself, and crying all weekend about it?
> 
> Wtf is up with that. Just apologize if felt the need to, then move on.
> 
> If hes crying over it he either should get an Emmy for best actor, or he's not man enough to apologize and let it go, chips fall where they may.


He is crying as I was a bit firm about my stance and his risk of losing me...


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## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

He made a mistake. You never made one? Only person in world history who did not was nailed to a cross 2,000 years ago. Far as we know, there were two lap dances. No PIV, etc. Alcohol clouded his thinking. Have a sit-down, let him know how you feel. I’m sure this won‘t happen again.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

SimZ said:


> He is crying as I was a bit firm about my stance and his risk of losing me...


And his crying, again, isn't helping. Address and move on. Constant crying is either acting or he just isn't strong enough to apologize once and move on.
Either is a failure on his part.


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## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> And his crying, again, isn't helping. Address and move on. Constant crying is either acting or he just isn't strong enough to apologize once and move on.
> Either is a failure on his part.


He’s gotta ”cowboy up,” apologize, save lap
dances for home, time to move along.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I know you are hurt and you have every reason to feel that way. But from what you describe about your H, getting multiple $20 lap dances from skanks and then crying about it, he needs to find his man card. Tell him to go back to the strip club and pick up his testicles he apparently left there.


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## 356660 (5 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Crying over it is a bit much. But the point is, apparently he has enough empathy to feel the pain he caused you. What he did was childish and yes it was cheating because he knew better and did it anyway. Any emotional attachment to the dancer? Nope. Any putting his own childish desires ahead of your feelings? Yep…..
> 
> I think you could reasonably request that he no longer go out drinking with his work buddies, because he’s too big of a child to keep himself out of trouble. That’s a CONSEQUENCE of his behavior, and you can let him know the consequences of breaking that boundary as long as you really mean to enforce it. Then about all you can do is forgive and move on. But not forget. I wouldn’t bring it up in unrelated arguments….. not fair…. But I’d be watchful for the going out with work buddies after 8pm again.
> Good luck


I was very firm about my stance and his risk of losing me. He's afraid he will lose me...

But agreed. Talk and set boundaries.

He will know better going forward. Hopefully.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Longtime Hubby said:


> He’s gotta ”cowboy up,” apologize, save lap
> dances for home, time to move along.


And his constant self flagellation doesn't help him in his marriage. Just makes him a weak man.
And women want a man that can continue to press on.


----------



## 356660 (5 mo ago)

Longtime Hubby said:


> He made a mistake. You never made one? Only person in world history who did not was nailed to a cross 2,000 years ago. Far as we know, there were two lap dances. No PIV, etc. Alcohol clouded his thinking. Have a sit-down, let him know how you feel. I’m sure this won‘t happen again.


Agreed. Thank you.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

SimZ said:


> We never really discussed it. I didn't think we had to. We both like to go out and enjoy ourselves so maybe he thought I wouldn't be bothered. But going to a strip club to watch vs paying for a lap dance are two very different things to me.


I think most married couples fail to discuss this kind of thing. Many boundaries are just assumed. I think that is a pretty safe way to go if you've been married a while. I've always had a good sense of what my wife thinks is acceptable behavior without discussing everything in great detail. It would be too hard to discuss every scenario. It is obvious your husband knew where you stood on it or he wouldn't have lied.

I've only been to a strip club 3 times. I can say in all cases I was not sexually excited. For me it is just the wrong environment. Why do I want to be sitting shoulder to shoulder with a bunch of guys with boners? That's not my bag, lol.

I have seen the no touch policy strictly enforced too. One time I went was with a group from work. A stripper was dancing and grinding on one of the guys in our party. He decided to touch a little Superman tattoo she had on her upper thigh. We were tossed in 2 seconds flat. They can do whatever they want, but not the other way around.

I never lied about going and my wife's boundary was no touching. She didn't care if I was drinking with buddies and there were strippers, but a lap dance would be WAY over her line. And I didn't need to be told to know that. I wouldn't want some stud rubbing his junk all over her, so obviously the same holds true for me. 

That said, I think you should consider forgiving him, unless this is part of a pattern of behavior of problematic behavior. I would be very pissed at my wife if she did something like this, but I wouldn't consider it cheating and I would get over it the first time. I would be seriously questioning her judgement, but again, I would get over it as a one off event. It would be different if she did it, knew how pissed I got and clearly understood it to be one of my boundaries then went and did it again. That would be the end at that point.


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## 356660 (5 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think most married couples fail to discuss this kind of thing. Many boundaries are just assumed. I think that is a pretty safe way to go if you've been married a while. I've always had a good sense of what my wife thinks is acceptable behavior without discussing everything in great detail. It would be too hard to discuss every scenario. It is obvious your husband knew where you stood on it or he wouldn't have lied.
> 
> I've only been to a strip club 3 times. I can say in all cases I was not sexually excited. For me it is just the wrong environment. Why do I want to be sitting shoulder to shoulder with a bunch of guys with boners? That's not my bag, lol.
> 
> ...


Thank you kindly for your response and feedback. It really helps. Much appreciated.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

SimZ said:


> I believe it's a low form of it. I mean knowingly paying for someone to dance on top of you. Make your **** hard?
> 
> What if a woman had that done? Why do people legitimize lap dances?


Lol they don’t. This very forum told a guy to divorce his wife cause she went to her daughter’s bachelorette party which had strippers.

It’s very male to say it’s ok for the guy but not the girl. She didn’t even have a lap dance that I remember and of course it’s a completely different story when your daughters getting married versus just another Thursday.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I'm a guy, and I can't understand those guys that get so wind up watching naked women. I find it utterly off-putting. Just the knowledge that those women are there to milk you out your money, nothing else, is sufficient for me to get turnoff. But for some reason some men think that when a stripper approach them it must be because those stripper want them. FFS are these guys idiots? Actually, even if they are not, when I think of strippers and of sex with them, I think of sleaze and dirtiness and and just can't get turn on. Waste of my time, but the few times in my life that I have been there is because, I have to be there with a group of dudes. I find it boring and idiotic to have to pay for drinks at twice or three times the value of the drink at my local pub, just to see naked women. No to say the disrespect and lack of consideration you are showing to your woman, by getting lap dances and acting like if you were single.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

He obviously seems to see that it upset you.

I completely understand that him being upset helps but doesn’t change the complete feeling of being lost when the one person you thought you could count on does something so far beyond anything you thought they would.

How do you regain the sense of knowing them? How do you regain the safety? 

I wish I had an answer for that. I don’t. I would probably forgive but that doesn’t mean my sense of who my husband is/was wouldn’t be altered possibly forever.

I’m sorry OP


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Longtime Hubby said:


> He made a mistake. You never made one? Only person in world history who did not was nailed to a cross 2,000 years ago. Far as we know, there were two lap dances. No PIV, etc. Alcohol clouded his thinking. Have a sit-down, let him know how you feel. I’m sure this won‘t happen again.


Lol to relate all mistakes to being the same level. This isn’t I forgot milk in the car and it boiled and exploded making a mess. That’s a mistake.

This is paying another person to dance skantily clad on top of you possibly touching you all in a sexual nature TWICE. Lying to your wife TWICE.

Little bit bigger deal at least to women than just any old mistake.

So you’d be ok with your wife paying a texting male saying she wants to **** him twice? Or a real male wearing a Speedo right in front of her? It would be ok?


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## 356660 (5 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> He obviously seems to see that it upset you.
> 
> I completely understand that him being upset helps but doesn’t change the complete feeling of being lost when the one person you thought you could count on does something so far beyond anything you thought they would.
> 
> ...


Exactly. Forever changed.


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## 356660 (5 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> Lol to relate all mistakes to being the same level. This isn’t I forgot milk in the car and it boiled and exploded making a mess. That’s a mistake.
> 
> This is paying another person to dance skantily clad on top of you possibly touching you all in a sexual nature TWICE. Lying to your wife TWICE.
> 
> ...


Thank you. Definitely what I am thinking.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

With his boss and co-workers? That'll make for a fantastic working environment for the female colleagues.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

SimZ said:


> He is crying as I was a bit firm about my stance and his risk of losing me...


Oh so Mommy got upset with the little boy so now he needs to cry to show her he’s sorry? Bletch! 🤮 

He simply needs to grow up and grow some balls. 

It’s one thing for 19 year old college freshmen to sneak into a strip joint with their fake ID’s and shell out their daddy’s money to see some gal’s boobies. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll *****slap my son if I catch him shelling out money for that,,,, But young and dumb 19 year old boys are gonna do stupid crap like that when they get together. When 19 year olds get together, their cumulative IQ drops, but that’s for another discussion.

Anyway, my point here is it’s immature and foolish behavior for a grown man and it’s even more immature and pathetic to cry about when he get’s caught at the titty bar. 

I agree with the poster above, titty bars are for simps and losers and nerd boys that can’t get girlfriends and need to be bilked out of their money by hustlers so they can get a glimpse of some boobies. 

If this is how he’s going to be then tell him to dry his little tears and move back to the frat house until he can grow up enough to actually get a girlfriend and not have to pay a cover charge and put money down some gal’s g-string in order to see some boobies.


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## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> Lol to relate all mistakes to being the same level. This isn’t I forgot milk in the car and it boiled and exploded making a mess. That’s a mistake.
> 
> This is paying another person to dance skantily clad on top of you possibly touching you all in a sexual nature TWICE. Lying to your wife TWICE.
> 
> ...


The OP liked my comment. Case closed


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> Lol to relate all mistakes to being the same level. This isn’t I forgot milk in the car and it boiled and exploded making a mess. That’s a mistake.
> 
> This is paying another person to dance skantily clad on top of you possibly touching you all in a sexual nature TWICE. Lying to your wife TWICE.
> 
> ...


No one is saying it’s OK. What’s some are saying is to keep rational perspective on the matter. Stop catastrophizing the situation and making it into more than it is.

He acted inappropriately and broke her expectations and trust. OP is feeling hurt, angry, disappointed, betrayed, etc. and that is understandable.
And no one is downplaying that. They need to have discussions about boundaries and expectations (which it sounds like already happened) to ensure that these issues are avoided in the future.

But it’s also important to keep the situation in perspective and not over play and catastrophize it.
He didn’t cheat on her, this doesn’t make him a bad person or bad husband, it doesn’t show that he has no compass and there’s no reason that should change her perception of him forever or haunt their marriage till the end. That’s ridiculous.

He did act inappropriately and cross boundaries that he knew on some level were not appropriate because he wasn’t immediately honest about it. And that hurt his wife and impacted their marriage. And he needs to take ownership and accountability for that.
But there’s nothing that should be unforgivable or permanently/existentially altering to their marriage here (as long as it’s being addressed appropriately, and it sounds like it is).

And the idea that this equates to cheating and may/will be forever impactful to their marriage and forever change OP’s view of / regard for her husband - is actively unhelpful to their situation.
It may feel that way to OP right now (and that’s fine) but this is where one needs to reconcile emotions with deliberate rationality/perspective.


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## 356660 (5 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> No one is saying it’s OK. What’s some are saying is to keep rational perspective on the matter. Stop catastrophizing the situation and making it into more than it is.
> 
> He acted inappropriately and broke her expectations and trust. OP is feeling hurt, angry, disappointed, betrayed, etc. and that is understandable.
> And no one is downplaying that. They need to have discussions about boundaries and expectations (which it sounds like already happened) to ensure that these issues are avoided in the future.
> ...


Thank you. Yours and a few other gentlemen input helped.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Haven't been to a strip joint in probably twenty yrs. OP, I get that your hurt, I really do. I wouldn't want my wife going with her friends (or boss or coworkers) and having some male dancer all up on her. 

Throw in that your husband lied to you and I get why you're not just hurt but pi$$Ed off at him. 

Now he's crying??

I haven't read every post from you but in my humble opinion this isn't worth divorcing over. However, I would certainly let him know that this behavior ENDS now!! As well as the lying. He better find his balls and be able to tell his boss, coworkers, or friends that he is no longer frequenting these places. 

Let him know that this is a FIRM boundary and if he steps over it again you walk. I totally understand why you don't trust him right now as well. Trust isn't something just given out for free, it's earned, and your husband just destroyed yours. Now he's going to have to earn it back and how he does that (and the timing) is up to you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Lol to relate all mistakes to being the same level. This isn’t I forgot milk in the car and it boiled and exploded making a mess. That’s a mistake.
> 
> This is paying another person to dance skantily clad on top of you possibly touching you all in a sexual nature TWICE. Lying to your wife TWICE.
> 
> ...


Well, that's a bit dramatic but whatever.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> Lol they don’t. This very forum told a guy to divorce his wife cause she went to her daughter’s bachelorette party which had strippers.
> 
> It’s very male to say it’s ok for the guy but not the girl. She didn’t even have a lap dance that I remember and of course it’s a completely different story when your daughters getting married versus just another Thursday.


I think the thread your quoted had old girl actually in the men’s room with a stripper. Much different than what you described


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> I think the thread your quoted had old girl actually in the men’s room with a stripper. Much different than what you described


I vaguely remember that thread as well, and from what I recall (I could be wrong) the husband had already told wife he was not OK with her going to the strip club. 
So right off the bat, she willfully violated a known, stated boundary in that thread.
And if the bathroom scenario mentioned here is correct, that is a completely different scenario than what we’re talking about in this thread. No correlation whatsoever.


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## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> I vaguely remember that thread as well, and from what I recall (I could be wrong) the husband had already told wife he was not OK with her going to the strip club.
> So right off the bat, she willfully violated a known, stated boundary in that thread.
> And if the bathroom scenario mentioned here is correct, that is a completely different scenario than what we’re talking about in this thread. No correlation whatsoever.


wasnt she some Christian woman who stepped way out of her normal?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Lol they don’t. This very forum told a guy to divorce his wife cause she went to her daughter’s bachelorette party which had strippers.
> 
> It’s very male to say it’s ok for the guy but not the girl. She didn’t even have a lap dance that I remember and of course it’s a completely different story when your daughters getting married versus just another Thursday.


Do you mean the one where the wife/mom was doing body shots from the naval of the stripper? Or the one where they were following random men into the men's room at her oldest daughter's party then went to a strip club a couple years later, after her husband specifically asked her not to, for her second daughter's bachelorette party and she was "forced" to touch the stripper?

Those were not even close to a typical visit to the strip club.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> wasnt she some Christian woman who stepped way out of her normal?


Yes: Religious wife/mom at male strip club


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Or this one: Things went rather downhill rather quickly after I...


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> I think the thread your quoted had old girl actually in the men’s room with a stripper. Much different than what you described


No she did not go into the bathroom with a stripper. But not the point. 


I agree that it isn’t something to divorce over. I disagree that her feelings aren’t valid. She feels it’s cheating. She feels it changed her view of him. It’s valid feelings.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Do you mean the one where the wife/mom was doing body shots from the naval of the stripper? Or the one where they were following random men into the men's room at her oldest daughter's party then went to a strip club a couple years later, after her husband specifically asked her not to, for her second daughter's bachelorette party and she was "forced" to touch the stripper?
> 
> Those were not even close to a typical visit to the strip club.


Not going to continue this thread jack.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> No she did not go into the bathroom with a stripper. But not the point.
> 
> 
> I agree that it isn’t something to divorce over. I disagree that her feelings aren’t valid. She feels it’s cheating. She feels it changed her view of him. It’s valid feelings.


Ahh, i get you now....you mean she's hoping she found her catalyst to suddenly divorce him, and use this as the reason??

This mole hill is destined to be a mountain? Crucify the guy over it? Make him suffer for all eternity and be branded with an I'm a butthole tattoo?

Y'all need to come back to reality.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SimZ said:


> @D0nnivain
> 
> Thank you for you response.
> 
> ...


He's so devastated he'll do it again now that he knows you won't divorce him over it.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> With his boss and co-workers? That'll make for a fantastic working environment for the female colleagues.


Been there.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He's so devastated he'll do it again now that he knows you won't divorce him over it.


Exactly. Give him a hall pass and he’ll take it. Why not?


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Ahh, i get you now....you mean she's hoping she found her catalyst to suddenly divorce him, and use this as the reason??
> 
> This mole hill is destined to be a mountain? Crucify the guy over it? Make him suffer for all eternity and be branded with an I'm a butthole tattoo?
> 
> Y'all need to come back to reality.


Yeah I mean so what, right, just fooling around his wife. It has nothing to do with her, right? It’s different with her because he loves her so much?

If a man came on here and his wife were unfaithful and said “it’s no big deal,” you guys would be calling for her head. But it’s all cool if a man does it.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> No she did not go into the bathroom with a stripper. But not the point.
> 
> 
> I agree that it isn’t something to divorce over. I disagree that her feelings aren’t valid. She feels it’s cheating. She feels it changed her view of him. It’s valid feelings.


I just hope the OP gets tested regularly. STDs are dangerous when they’re untreated.


----------



## 356660 (5 mo ago)

sideways said:


> Haven't been to a strip joint in probably twenty yrs. OP, I get that your hurt, I really do. I wouldn't want my wife going with her friends (or boss or coworkers) and having some male dancer all up on her.
> 
> Throw in that your husband lied to you and I get why you're not just hurt but pi$$Ed off at him.
> 
> ...


Thank you kindly. I appreciate your feedback.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Do you mean the one where the wife/mom was doing body shots from the naval of the stripper? Or the one where they were following random men into the men's room at her oldest daughter's party then went to a strip club a couple years later, after her husband specifically asked her not to, for her second daughter's bachelorette party and she was "forced" to touch the stripper?
> 
> Those were not even close to a typical visit to the strip club.


She was being touched sexually by a male stripper. In this scenario, the man got off to a female stripper touching him. Twice. It's no different. Except one was a woman and the man was humiliated. In this scenario, only a woman was humiliated.


----------



## 356660 (5 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I just hope the OP gets tested regularly. STDs are dangerous when they’re untreated.


Unnecessary. Smh


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> be branded with an I'm a butthole tattoo?


That works for me.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DudeInProgress said:


> There are a lot of things that are inappropriate and “over the line” of what a married person should do - that don’t qualify as cheating.
> And I’m not defending lap dances as appropriate for a married man, but I think it’s absurd to classify a lap dance as cheating.
> 
> I do classify kissing as cheating, and it’s way more intimate than a lap dance.
> ...


For me it's not diluting the term cheating, is IS cheating. Anything sexual with another person is cheating.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> He obviously seems to see that it upset you.
> 
> I completely understand that him being upset helps but doesn’t change the complete feeling of being lost when the one person you thought you could count on does something so far beyond anything you thought they would.
> 
> ...


Same for me. The man who I thought he was would have gone and my trust would also have gone.


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Ahh, i get you now....you mean she's hoping she found her catalyst to suddenly divorce him, and use this as the reason??
> 
> This mole hill is destined to be a mountain? Crucify the guy over it? Make him suffer for all eternity and be branded with an I'm a butthole tattoo?
> 
> Y'all need to come back to reality.


The Scarlett Letter. A bIg L for lap dance


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He's so devastated he'll do it again now that he knows you won't divorce him over it.


Perhaps. Or a wake up call. Divorce over this? Come on.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

When something first happens like this, especially if you've been lucky and not had your trust eroded before, you don't realize that even if you let this go and think he's sorry (he's not or he wouldn't have done it), it's going to eat at you and just continue to make you question things and erode the marriage, even if it's slowly. It won't be him that suffers for having done it. It will be the one who decides to try to forgive and move on who suffers with uncertainty going forward. He isn't the one who has to live with distrust and try to pretend you haven't lost some respect and, yes, even some attraction because of it. He's hunky dory. And he will likely criticize you down the road for not being able to let it go, as if it's your doing.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm not telling her to divorce or not to divorce. I don't know what's in her toolbox.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> She was being touched sexually by a male stripper. In this scenario, the man got off to a female stripper touching him. Twice. It's no different. Except one was a woman and the man was humiliated. In this scenario, only a woman was humiliated.


So its no different? Other scenario, male stripper, wife sexually touched by stripper, husband feeling angry and humiliated. This scenario, female stripper, husband sexually touched by stripper, wife felling angry and humiliated. Sound right?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Hell, just have a relative beat him, call it a day.
Now you know I'm just kidding. Or am I.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> When something first happens like this, especially if you've been lucky and not had your trust eroded before, you don't realize that even if you let this go and think he's sorry (he's not or he wouldn't have done it), it's going to eat at you and just continue to make you question things and erode the marriage, even if it's slowly. It won't be him that suffers for having done it. It will be the one who decides to try to forgive and move on who suffers with uncertainty going forward. He isn't the one who has to live with distrust and try to pretend you haven't lost some respect and, yes, even some attraction because of it. He's hunky dory. And he will likely criticize you down the road for not being able to let it go, as if it's your doing.


It really is the same dynamic as any other infidelity. I think the only difference is everyone seems to clearly understand you don't have sex with someone else when you are married, doesn't even need discussion. A strip club seems to be a little more of a gray area and it should be discussed. That said, this guy obviously knew he was wrong otherwise he wouldn't have felt the need to lie. 

I do hope she finds a way to forgive and feel comfortable trusting him, but I wonder what permanent damage has been done. This obviously matters a lot to her. Only she really knows if she has a shot at moving beyond it.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It really is the same dynamic as any other infidelity. I think the only difference is everyone seems to clearly understand you don't have sex with someone else when you are married, doesn't even need discussion. A strip club seems to be a little more of a gray area and it should be discussed. That said, this guy obviously knew he was wrong otherwise he wouldn't have felt the need to lie.
> 
> I do hope she finds a way to forgive and feel comfortable trusting him, but I wonder what permanent damage has been done. This obviously matters a lot to her. Only she really knows if she has a shot at moving beyond it.


If she D him over this, it's never been about the strip club..


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Companies that do this stuff usually do it during work hours so the wives have no way of knowing. They have lunch buffets (shudder) at those strip places. 

You might let him know you want phone calls, not texts so you can at least see if there's loud music in the background. Texting has made is so much easier to get away with everything. 


BigDaddyNY said:


> It really is the same dynamic as any other infidelity. I think the only difference is everyone seems to clearly understand you don't have sex with someone else when you are married, doesn't even need discussion. A strip club seems to be a little more of a gray area and it should be discussed. That said, this guy obviously knew he was wrong otherwise he wouldn't have felt the need to lie.
> 
> I do hope she finds a way to forgive and feel comfortable trusting him, but I wonder what permanent damage has been done. This obviously matters a lot to her. Only she really knows if she has a shot at moving beyond it.


You know, it depends where the strip club is. In Dallas, they are sex workers. I'm sure it's a little less risque some places, some smaller towns, for example. New York, they don't enforce the laws anyway, so I'm sure anything goes. 

I have known a couple of strippers over the years. I have known two people well who used to design and sell stripper costumes, so they knew what was up. And I have spent time on band tour buses where strippers are hired to come service them. They are sex workers. One of our best known high-end strippers in Dallas in the 80s was also a paid spokesmodel for an auto tv commercial. 

Here, the "real" lap dances where they get the guy off with extended attention, are done backroom. But the tease lap dances are brief and done out front. My understanding, here, it is sitting on them both away from them and facing them with boobs exposed and dry humping and grinding. The rules onsite are the guy isn't supposed to reach out and touch, but they scarcely need to since she's rubbing herself all over him. Of course, anything can be arranged off-site, either for a stripper or just any sex worker on call using the internet.  I know how all that works, too, from some work I did. A prostitute is at a motel in your area with 10 minutes' notice. A lot of them are sex trafficked. 

Strippers are groomed just like prostitutes being sex trafficked are except they're brainwashed to think it's empowering. 

I contend that no guy goes to a strip club with the intention of coming away with blue balls. One way or the other, he's planning on getting off, even if he has to do it himself.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Many here are assuming it was his one and only visit. A man who can do this once has almost certainly done it before but didnt get found out. Especially if was connected to the workplace. At the very least I would say that he has to have a lie detector test and give him a chance before he goes to come clean about anything else.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Do you mean the one where the wife/mom was doing body shots from the naval of the stripper? Or the one where they were following random men into the men's room at her oldest daughter's party then went to a strip club a couple years later, after her husband specifically asked her not to, for her second daughter's bachelorette party and she was "forced" to touch the stripper?
> 
> Those were not even close to a typical visit to the strip club.


I cant agree it wasnt close.


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

“I contend that no guy goes to a strip club with the intention of coming away with blue balls. One way or the other, he's planning on getting off, even if he has to do it himself.”

sorry, downbytheriver, but that is not true. not at all. most guys go to look at women, not to get off. I’d guess 9 of 10 don’t even get exited.


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Many here are assuming it was his one and only visit. A man who can do this once has almost certainly done it before but didnt get found out. Especially if was connected to the workplace. At the very least I would say that he has to have a lie detector test and give him a chance before he goes to come clean about anything else.


A lie detector test? come on!


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Longtime Hubby said:


> A lie detector test? come on!


Molehill meet mountain


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Molehill meet mountain


Exactly. He screwed up. she’s angry. Not a marriage breaker.


----------



## 356660 (5 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He's so devastated he'll do it again now that he knows you won't divorce him over it.


Relax


Longtime Hubby said:


> A lie detector test? come on!


@Longtime Hubby 

I should've known posting here.

I got the feedback I needed from some.

Some seem to think this a bit too far.

Perhaps nothing to do in their lives. 

I was looking for true help and guidance.

Not some of the absurdities that I am seeing.

Myself and my husband are very decent people.

He made a bad decision. He knows it. 

He doesn't need a lie detector test.

I don't need STD tests.

SMH at all this.


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

SimZ said:


> Relax
> 
> @Longtime Hubby
> 
> ...


follow your instincts on this. I’ve posted too and was floored by what people said


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

SimZ said:


> Relax
> 
> @Longtime Hubby
> 
> ...


As they say, take what you need and leave the rest. Just be open to all the RATIONAL perspectives, even the ones you might not like.

That said, understand there are a small handful of very bitter people here (not the majority). Some of which have never even been married.

I’m glad you seem to have received the guidance/perspective you were looking for. Best of luck.


----------



## 356660 (5 mo ago)

Longtime Hubby said:


> follow your instincts on this. I’ve posted too and was floored by what people said


I definitely am. And appreciate your sensible feedback and a few others. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 🙏🙏🙏


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

SimZ said:


> I definitely am. And appreciate your sensible feedback and a few others. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 🙏🙏🙏


Thanks. Happy to help


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DudeInProgress said:


> As they say, take what you need and leave the rest. Just be open to all the RATIONAL perspectives, even the ones you might not like.
> 
> *That said, understand there are a small handful of very bitter people here (not the majority). Some of which have never even been married.*
> 
> I’m glad you seem to have received the guidance/perspective you were looking for. Best of luck.


You may be right. Married people probably do know more about cheating with strippers at strip clubs than single people.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You may be right. Married people probably do know more about cheating with strippers at strip clubs than single people.


Well, since literally only married/committed relationship people are functionally capable of cheating anyway (single people haven’t committed to anyone and therefore can’t cheat), yes married people know more about cheating than single people. I guess you really nailed me on that one…


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Longtime Hubby said:


> “I contend that no guy goes to a strip club with the intention of coming away with blue balls. One way or the other, he's planning on getting off, even if he has to do it himself.”
> 
> sorry, downbytheriver, but that is not true. not at all. most guys go to look at women, not to get off. I’d guess 9 of 10 don’t even get exited.


I think you’re confusing strip clubs with brothels. 

In my 19 year old college days I went to the local strip joints with the gang a number times. Got drunk. Copped a few feels on the strippers, Got into bar fights. Came back and showed off the blood on my clothes with pride whether it was the other guy’s or was mine. 

But never once did I go there with the intention of having any kind of actual sexual experience, never popped wood and certainly never got anywhere close to getting off.

Guys go to strip clubs to be stupid and do dumb things with their buddies and come home to brag about their loose and missing teeth. 

Only the most pathetic and desperate of losers actually see it as a sexual experience.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I do feel like there is a bit of a double standard here. It is being brushed off as no big deal by some, but I don't see how. If a nude stripper is rubbing and grinding herself on my erect penis, even through my jeans, we are engaging in sex. She is providing me with manual sex, kind of like a HJ, even if I don't ejaculate. In my mind this is no different than flirting with a woman at a bar and she then spends 5 minutes or so rubbing my crotch. Is that forgivable and no big deal too? As for the double standard. How would you feel if a nude male stripper sat your wife down, spread her legs wide open and rubbed his erect penis on her clit through her jeans and made her moan in delight? Would that really be something you just "get over"? Would you not expect her to be crying to you for forgiveness or would you think she lost her woman card for doing so?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SimZ said:


> Relax
> 
> @Longtime Hubby
> 
> ...


The next time your husband concocts a story to put one over on you, just remember that you didn't need a lie detector test the first (50th?) time around and when you start itching in your nether region just remember that there was no reason to get tested for stds because your husband is such a stand up guy. He so didn't consider lap dances as cheating that he didn't even bother to make up a big lie about his boss and coworkers. In fact, he told you ahead of time that he and his imbecilic best buds would be flashing the cash at his favorite titty bar.

Get bent and wipe his crocodile tears - that'll show him.

Or, you can consider what you deem outlandish suggestions to be powerful disincentives for Romeo.


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I think you’re confusing strip clubs with brothels.
> 
> In my 19 year old college days I went to the local strip joints with the gang a number times. Got drunk. Copped a few feels on the strippers, Got into bar fights. Came back and showed off the blood on my clothes with pride whether it was the other guy’s or was mine.
> 
> ...


Not sure where he was going with the blue balls comment. You are correct about the strip club/brothel difference


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> I think you’re confusing strip clubs with brothels.
> 
> In my 19 year old college days I went to the local strip joints with the gang a number times. Got drunk. Copped a few feels on the strippers, Got into bar fights. Came back and showed off the blood on my clothes with pride whether it was the other guy’s or was mine.
> 
> ...


I meant this as a reply to @DownByTheRiver assertion that men go to strip places to have sex. 

99% of the men that go there no darn well they’re not going to have sex or even want to.

The remaining 1% really have problems.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> So its no different? Other scenario, male stripper, wife sexually touched by stripper, husband feeling angry and humiliated. This scenario, female stripper, husband sexually touched by stripper, wife felling angry and humiliated. Sound right?


IMO, it’s not different. Both people were humiliated and betrayed by their spouses. Both have to decide if they are going to tolerate that behavior. The advice is different, no one told the man to just let it go. She’s expected to suck it up because I guess when you pay for it doesn’t count for guys or… something, I’m not sure why men need multiple women and women don’t need multiple men. But whatever, the OP has made her choice to just live with it. It’s her “marriage” and none of my beeswax.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I have not been to a strip club when married. But have a been a handful of times…. None of my friends, nor anyone I’ve ever seen in a strip club had sex with anyone, nor have I seen people beating off in the bathroom. I’m sure there’s shady stuff with some of these people as far as actual sex, but not on the premises.
Lots of guys go, have a few drinks, look at the naked ladies and have a good laugh at the shenanigans these women will go to to make some cash. I never said it was a nice thing to do, certainly not cool for married people although I’ve heard a lot of wives go with their husbands and his buddies once in a while. Not something I care to do.
To make this guy out as some dude that’s banging prostitutes is wrong based on what we’ve read. However, he’s planted a seed of distrust in his wife. If he waters and fertilizes it with future untrustworthy behavior, I think he will ruin his feelings with the OP.

All this nonsense about what goes in at the strip clubs is not what I’ve seen at all.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> I meant this as a reply to @DownByTheRiver assertion that men go to strip places to have sex.
> 
> 99% of the men that go there no darn well they’re not going to have sex or even want to.
> 
> The remaining 1% really have problems.


Absolutely correct.


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I meant this as a reply to @DownByTheRiver assertion that men go to strip places to have sex.
> 
> 99% of the men that go there no darn well they’re not going to have sex or even want to.
> 
> The remaining 1% really have problems.


Huge bouncers prevent shenanigans at strip clubs. Ahem, so I’m told


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Some of the rationale for the double standard between female and male strippers is female strippers are utterly repulsed by basically all of their clientele and and are just hustling them for the money. 

If a guy gets too handsy with them, they will slap his face and have the bouncers take care of him.

Male strippers on the other hand will actually have whatever sexual contact and acts the clientele wants. 

Maybe not on stage or in the open bar area depending on how stringently the club owners obey the laws. But they will hook up in the bathrooms, parking lots, motel room etc etc.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I do feel like there is a bit of a double standard here. It is being brushed off as no big deal by some, but I don't see how. If a nude stripper is rubbing and grinding herself on my erect penis, even through my jeans, we are engaging in sex. She is providing me with manual sex, kind of like a HJ, even if I don't ejaculate. In my mind this is no different than flirting with a woman at a bar and she then spends 5 minutes or so rubbing my crotch. Is that forgivable and no big deal too? As for the double standard. How would you feel if a nude male stripper sat your wife down, spread her legs wide open and rubbed his erect penis on her clit through her jeans and made her moan in delight? Would that really be something you just "get over"? Would you not expect her to be crying to you for forgiveness or would you think she lost her woman card for doing so?


Have you never actually been to a strip club? I’ve been a number of times, years ago now, and never once do I remember actually having an erection.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

oops wrong thread


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> “I contend that no guy goes to a strip club with the intention of coming away with blue balls. One way or the other, he's planning on getting off, even if he has to do it himself.”
> 
> sorry, downbytheriver, but that is not true. not at all. most guys go to look at women, not to get off. I’d guess 9 of 10 don’t even get exited.


9 out of 10 dont even get excited, so why go?


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> 9 out of 10 dont even get excited, so why go?


Because apparently 9 out of 10 wives will believe whatever fairy story they’re told. 🤪😂😂😂😉


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> I meant this as a reply to @DownByTheRiver assertion that men go to strip places to have sex.
> 
> 99% of the men that go there no darn well they’re not going to have sex or even want to.
> 
> The remaining 1% really have problems.


I'm not confusing anything, OS, but thanks for treating me like a senile incompetent. And twisting my words. I said they don't go there to get blue balls and will get off one way or the other, even if they have to do it themselves. I don't think they go to look at big boobs because they're reminiscing about nursing. I do realize sometimes people go along with some party like a bachelor party who aren't into it.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> I have not been to a strip club when married. But have a been a handful of times…. None of my friends, nor anyone I’ve ever seen in a strip club had sex with anyone, nor have I seen people beating off in the bathroom. I’m sure there’s shady stuff with some of these people as far as actual sex, but not on the premises.
> Lots of guys go, have a few drinks, look at the naked ladies and have a good laugh at the shenanigans these women will go to to make some cash. I never said it was a nice thing to do, certainly not cool for married people although I’ve heard a lot of wives go with their husbands and his buddies once in a while. Not something I care to do.
> To make this guy out as some dude that’s banging prostitutes is wrong based on what we’ve read. However, he’s planted a seed of distrust in his wife. If he waters and fertilizes it with future untrustworthy behavior, I think he will ruin his feelings with the OP.
> 
> All this nonsense about what goes in at the strip clubs is not what I’ve seen at all.


This is exactly my experience as well, from back in the day.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> 9 out of 10 dont even get excited, so why go?


Ludicrous.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Riv
I’m gonna have to assume that you know about as much about blue balls as you do about strip clubs. Aren’t you a woman?


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> Riv
> I’m gonna have to assume that you know about as much about blue balls as you do about strip clubs. Aren’t you a woman?


I already listed what I know about strip clubs above. Blue balls is, thankfully, not something I will ever experience.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Have you never actually been to a strip club? I’ve been a number of times, years ago now, and never once do I remember actually having an erection.


I have and I didn't get an erection. I found nothing sexually stimulating about it. However, a guy in a room getting a private lap dance I suspect/assume is a different story.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Huge bouncers prevent shenanigans at strip clubs. Ahem, so I’m told


Yeah, those guys are a big help. It's not like they're IN on it or anything. 

*Former Fort Worth Texas bouncer indicted in rapes of 2 women*
https://www.star-telegram.com › local › article218996440


Sep 25, 2018 — A former _bouncer_ at the Varsity Tavern has been indicted on a sexual assault charge, accused of driving two intoxicated women home from the bar ...









Stripper sues Booby Trap, claims bouncer raped her instead of driving her home


A former stripper is suing Booby Trap on the River and its Pompano Beach-based owners, claiming managers failed to prevent her from being raped by one of the club's bouncers after she worked 17 hours and consumed drinks bought by patrons.




www.sun-sentinel.com





Just sayin. There are no men in white hats at those places.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I have and I didn't get an erection. I found nothing sexually stimulating about it. However, a guy in a room getting a private lap dance I suspect/assume is a different story.


Right. I first got drug to one in college, and I just found it horribly humiliating. I do understand that young people tend to try something once and see what they think. One article I just read said they get a lot of virgins.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Blue balls is, thankfully, not something I will ever experience.


I’ve never experienced blue balls either, and don’t know if many men actually have. 

I have the feeling it’s more of an urban legend and something that horny teenage boys tell their girlfriends in attempt to get at least a BJ out of them rather than a real thing.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> I’ve never experienced blue balls either, and don’t know if many men actually have.
> 
> I have the feeling it’s more of an urban legend and something that horny teenage boys tell their girlfriends in attempt to get at least a BJ out of them rather than a real thing.


Thanks for outing them for it! But:









Blue balls (epididymal hypertension): Myths and facts


'Blue balls' is the informal term for epididymal hypertension, which causes uncomfortable or aching testicles. Learn more about this symptom here.




www.medicalnewstoday.com




"Blue balls is a temporary aching sensation in the testicles that should pass once the extra blood flows away from the area and the blood pressure returns to normal. It does not usually last for long.
People can relieve blue balls by ejaculating through masturbation or during sex with a consenting partner."


Now, in your favor, OS, the article does not say whether the balls actually are blue in color, so you got me on a technicality. I suspect they're more angry purple. But again, not my purview. 🤣


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Just sayin. There are no men in white hats at those places.


That I will not dispute. 

The club owners and staff are in reality probably a bigger threat to the strippers than the patrons.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Have you never actually been to a strip club? I’ve been a number of times, years ago now, and never once do I remember actually having an erection.


Another point, does it really matter if you are erect? A woman is still rubbing your penis with the intent of providing sexual pleasure. Is that not something reserved only for your spouse? If you are getting a lap dance at a strip club you sought out some kind of sexual gratification from someone other than your spouse. Isn't that cheating?


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> That I will not dispute.
> 
> The club owners and staff are in reality probably a bigger threat to the strippers than the patrons.


I'm sure. They're the ones exploiting them.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Another point, does it really matter if you are erect? A woman is still rubbing your penis with the intent of providing sexual pleasure. Is that not something reserved only for your spouse? If you are getting a lap dance at a strip club you sought out some kind of sexual gratification from someone other than your spouse. Isn't that cheating?


Apparently not for… reasons. 😉 (Narrator: Yes. It is cheating. And they know it’s cheating, which is why they lie about it.)


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Another point, does it really matter if you are erect? A woman is still rubbing your penis with the intent of providing sexual pleasure. Is that not something reserved only for your spouse? If you are getting a lap dance at a strip club you sought out some kind of sexual gratification from someone other than your spouse. Isn't that cheating?


1. I’m not defending lap dances for married men. 
But it’s also absurd and unhelpful to catastrophize it and make it into something it’s not.
2. I don’t know any men who’ve gone to a strip club seeking sexual pleasure. 
Most men go for a little tease and to get a little charge out of topless chicks acting friendly, while drinking and laughing with their buddies. 
Again, i’m not defending it as appropriate for married men, but it’s not about seeking or receiving sexual pleasure or gratification. Not that I’ve ever seen.
3. No it’s not cheating to go to a strip club with your friends/work mates, look at some boobs, and have a topless chick dance on your lap for three minutes and move on to the next table while you laugh about it with your buddies.
Advisable, no. Inappropriate, yes. Cheating, also no.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DudeInProgress said:


> 1. I’m not defending lap dances for married men.
> But it’s also absurd and unhelpful to catastrophize it and make it into something it’s not.
> 2. I don’t know any men who’ve gone to a strip club seeking sexual pleasure.
> Most men go for a little tease and to get a little charge out of topless chicks acting friendly, while drinking and laughing with their buddies.
> ...


Thank you, Professor, for that handy outline of The World According to How Married Men Would Like Their Wives to View Husbands Going to Strip Bars.


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> Have you never actually been to a strip club? I’ve been a number of times, years ago now, and never once do I remember actually having an erection.


Right. never


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Thank you, Professor, for that handy outline of The World According to How Married Men Would Like Their Wives to View Husbands Going to Strip Bars.


“It’s not cheating because I like doing it and am not going to stop doing it but also don’t want to have to do my own laundry.”


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Thank you, Professor, for that handy outline of The World According to How Married Men Would Like Their Wives to View Husbands Going to Strip Bars.


Lotta wives, including mine, laugh and roll their eyes when ive said where the bachelor parties have wound up. Cuz they know nothing happened!


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Lotta wives, including mine, laugh and roll their eyes when ive said where the bachelor parties have wound up. Cuz they know nothing happened!


Because you said so and fairy stories are fun.


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Because you said so and fairy stories are fun.


Nothing happened other than me and the boys had a few laughs. Drank beers. Enjoyed the view.”fairy stories”?


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Lotta wives, including mine, laugh and roll their eyes when ive said where the bachelor parties have wound up. Cuz they know nothing happened!


Bachelor parties and bachelorette parties are an ill-conceived notion right before marriage, if you ask me. Always someone there trying to get someone in trouble.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Thank you, Professor, for that handy outline of The World According to How Married Men Would Like Their Wives to View Husbands Going to Strip Bars.


Yes it must be a grand conspiracy of men that want to help other men get one over on their wives. 
It couldn’t possibly be a valid assessment of my (and other posters’) experiences on the matter…


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Bachelor parties and bachelorette parties are an ill-conceived notion right before marriage, if you ask me. Always someone there trying to get someone in trouble.


Ones I’ve attended, lotsa laughs. I recall one groom passing out from too much booze. Honestly, they’re no big deal.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> “It’s not cheating because I like doing it and am not going to stop doing it but also don’t want to have to do my own laundry.”


Again, where are you reading this? How are you conjuring any of this up?

No one on this entire thread has ever defended married men going to strip clubs and getting lap dances.
Everyone (myself included) has acknowledged that it is inappropriate behavior within a marriage.
No one is saying it’s OK and no one is saying men should be able to do it without negative consequences.

A call to maintain perspective on the matter is not an endorsement of the behavior. It’s just suggesting that we not act like unhinged lunatics with pitchforks over a non-pitchfork worthy offense.

Explaining that there’s no actual sexual activity/pleasure/gratification going on at strip clubs (at least in most of our experiences) and that a couple of lap dances that a husband wasn’t immediately honest about, does not warrant divorce papers, polygraphs and STD tests - is not an endorsement of the behavior. It’s just a call for sanity, proportionality and rational perspectives in discussing the matter.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

"No sexual activity/pleasure/gratification going on at strip clubs." 🤣

Unhinged, huh?


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> "No sexual activity/pleasure/gratification going on at strip clubs." 🤣
> 
> Unhinged, huh?


Next it will be that we are “insecure.” 😂. All the things they say to women who object to cheating. All part of that gaslighting they’re just sure we’re too stupid to see through. 🙄😂


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> "No sexual activity/pleasure/gratification going on at strip clubs." 🤣
> 
> Unhinged, huh?


Maybe for the weird old guy in the back corner by himself.

No, I don’t know anyone who went to strip clubs seeking sexual gratification. 
I’ve been a number of times (probably not in a decade or more but I doubt much has changed), and there were no sexual acts going on in my group or that I ever witnessed. 
Are there exceptions to that, i’m sure there are, everyone’s heard stories. Maybe it’s worse in the more seedy/ghetto clubs, I wouldn’t know about that.
My experience has been exactly as I described it in previous responses, and it sounds like most others have had the same/similar experience. 
If that’s unfathomable to you or you simply can’t believe it, fine believe whatever you want to believe.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Nothing like Texasmom on and Riv getting high on man bashing to brighten one’s day.

Go take it out on your husbands.😋


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Maybe for the weird old guy in the back corner by himself.
> 
> No, I don’t know anyone who went to strip clubs seeking sexual gratification.
> I’ve been a number of times (probably not in a decade or more but I doubt much has changed), and there were no sexual acts going on in my group or that I ever witnessed.
> ...


No offense, but I'm baffled by the idea that a strip club is not dealing in sex and sexual gratification of the patrons. I'm not suggesting that intercourse is going on in all corners of a strip club, but isn't their whole existence based on men wanting to see nude women dancing and doing other sexually explicit acts?


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Next it will be that we are “insecure.” 😂. All the things they say to women who object to cheating. All part of that gaslighting they’re just sure we’re too stupid to see through. 🙄😂


Again, you are imagining things that are not there. 
No one has ever said or eluded to anything like that. at all. Ever in this thread.

No one ever suggested that a woman is insecure for not wanting her husband to go to strip clubs. 
Everyone has acknowledged that it’s not appropriate for a married man and that a woman has every right to be upset about it and not tolerate it in her marriage.

You’re just making up nonsense that no one ever said or alluded to, and has nothing to do with the actual discussion being held here.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> No offense, but I'm baffled by the idea that a strip club is not dealing in sex and sexual gratification of the patrons. I'm not suggesting that intercourse is going on in all corners of a strip club, but isn't their whole existence based on men wanting to see nude women dancing and doing other sexually explicit acts?


I think you're onto something there BigDaddyNY. Maybe he won't find it as "unhinged" coming from a man. 

Well, I guess this is more a sport, but:


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ping_pong_show#:~:text=A%20ping%20pong%20show%20is,the%20most%20iconic%20objects%20used


.
Ping pong balls, you know, kind of like a batting machine. 
Hey, I wonder if they have pickleball!


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

BigDaddyNY said:


> No offense, but I'm baffled by the idea that a strip club is not dealing in sex and sexual gratification of the patrons. I'm not suggesting that intercourse is going on in all corners of a strip club, but isn't their whole existence based on men wanting to see nude women dancing and doing other sexually explicit acts?


Oh, you! You just had to point out the obvious. Shame on you for blowing a hole in the carefully crafted get-out-of-jail-free excuse. All of these fellas claiming they were only there for laughs really should have taken off their little boy scout uniforms before pointing and snickering at the bare boobies. Wonder what their little badges say.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> No offense, but I'm baffled by the idea that a strip club is not dealing in sex and sexual gratification of the patrons. I'm not suggesting that intercourse is going on in all corners of a strip club, but isn't their whole existence based on men wanting to see nude women dancing and doing other sexually explicit acts?


Of course they’re selling sex. So is playboy - and no, I’m not equating the two.
And I have acknowledged about 12 times now that it’s not appropriate for a married man. 
That said, selling sex (not actual sexual acts), topless women and a sexually charged environment does not equal cheating. 
And a guy getting a lap dance as part of a group of other guys does not warrant divorce papers, STD tests, polygraphs, perpetual shame and penance. It warrants establishing and maintaining better marital boundaries.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think you're onto something there BigDaddyNY. Maybe he won't find it as "unhinged" coming from a man.
> 
> Well, I guess this is more a sport, but:
> 
> ...


For God sake, now you’re equating stuff that supposedly goes on in places like Mexico and Southeast Asia with strip clubs in the United States. 
That is ridiculous and unhinged. You’re not even trying to have an honest or productive conversation


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

Blondilocks said:


> Oh, you! You just had to point out the obvious. Shame on you for blowing a hole in the carefully crafted get-out-of-jail-free excuse. All of these fellas claiming they were only there for laughs really should have taken off their little boy scout uniforms before pointing and snickering at the bare boobies. Wonder what their little badges say.


Admiring God’s handiwork. Praise be


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DudeInProgress said:


> For God sake, now you’re equating stuff that supposedly goes on in places like Mexico and Southeast Asia with strip clubs in the United States.
> That is ridiculous and *unhinged*. You’re not even trying to have an honest or productive conversation



Guess again, Bucko.



Stripper Ping Pong Archives


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

We're not talking about some doofus named Navin who really wouldn't know what a strip club is about. We're talking about a guy who outright lied to his wife and then claimed a case of the stupids followed by bawling when the little woman got pissed. Talk about manipulation. Forget about the strip club fiasco and concentrate on the lies and deceit.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

SimZ said:


> We never really discussed it. I didn't think we had to. We both like to go out and enjoy ourselves so maybe he thought I wouldn't be bothered. But going to a strip club to watch vs paying for a lap dance are two very different things to me.


The key is that you need to talk to him and set boundaries.

Some women actually take their husbands on special occasions to a strip club and buy them dances. Some women do it to get hubby are fired up for the bedroom when he gets home.

Other women think it is degrading, sinful and a host of other expressions. 

"..... But going to a strip club to watch vs paying for a lap dance are two very different things to me......"

Let's get serious for a moment this is a slippery slope. To get into a strip club their is usually a cover charge and a drink change, so he would be paying to watch. Oh course to watch something racy on cable TV also involves at least indirectly paying to watch. 

Paying a stripper for a lap dance does make it a personal thing. It is also taking family money and wasting it. A long time ago (before my time) I saw references in old movies about sailors going to dance halls to buy dances with pretty girls for 25 cents a dance. It was more of a clothed hug and grope. 

I think that the more personal it is, the more of a betrayal it is, if you have set boundaries. You might want to take some time with you H and tell him that lap dances at a strip club cross your boundary of his being a faithful husband. I would further suggest that you explicitly tell him he needs to understand that if he doesn't go to a strip club, he won't be tempted to buy a lap dance, and that not going would be the wise thing. While you are at it talk to him about porn pay sites, cam girls, being a patron of some snapchat bimbo, phone sex, dating and infidelity websites, and anything where he spends family money on sexual arousal by a specific woman. 

It is your life and marriage, set reasonable boundaries before a problem arises.

Good luck.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Guess again, Bucko.
> 
> 
> 
> Stripper Ping Pong Archives


This is ridiculous. I would be willing to bet that no one on this thread has ever witnessed a ping pong ball show at a strip club in the United States. It’s not a thing. I’m sure there’s somewhere in the US where you can see that, there are some places where you can watch live coed sex shows – but it does not happen at your average strip club and it has no bearing on the conversation at hand.

It’s also clear that you’re not going to care or believe what anyone tells you about it, so go forth and believe whatever insane thing you want to believe.


----------



## 356660 (5 mo ago)

Oh my God people. Just stop with all the negativity. And overboard posts. I came here for real feedback. I think I got that from a few folks. The rest is not needed. Please calm down. Mission over and done with. Thank you to the kind rational folks with real perspectives and advice. You know who you are.


----------



## 356660 (5 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> The key is that you need to talk to him and set boundaries.
> 
> Some women actually take their husbands on special occasions to a strip club and buy them dances. Some women do it to get hubby are fired up for the bedroom when he gets home.
> 
> ...


He doesn't frequent clubs. He went with his boss who he looks up to. And they were all doing. A few tequila shots, Scotch and vodka later I guess he made a bad choice... a very bad choice that has made him almost lose me. And will take a very long time to get us back. Some women may be oknwith certain things but I am not. I am modern but still and old soul and proper indian woman at heart. Hopefully he has learned. And hopefully also this has changed his perspective about his boss. Thank you for your kind feedback.


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Guess again, Bucko.
> 
> 
> 
> Stripper Ping Pong Archives


Says they’re raising $ to fight cancer. How is that bad?


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Says they’re raising $ to fight cancer. How is that bad?


I like that you always see the bright side!


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I like that you always see the bright side!


----------



## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

OP. @SimZ , I read the first page of this and the 9th page with all the back and forth arguing. Personally, I think if the two of you have never discussed strip clubs, you should focus on the lying. I think that is the bigger issue. Stay calm and get to a place where the two of you can have a discussion without crying & without blame. Then work something out where the two of you agree to acceptable boundaries regarding strip clubs - for both of you.

I don’t think it’s worth blowing things up because the two of you never specifically discussed in the past. I know you feel like you shouldn’t have to but not everyone has the same life experience etc and people change their mind as the go through life. 
Discuss, set boundaries and work on honesty together.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

SimZ said:


> Oh my God people. Just stop with all the negativity. And overboard posts. I came here for real feedback. I think I got that from a few folks. The rest is not needed. Please calm down. Mission over and done with. Thank you to the kind rational folks with real perspectives and advice. You know who you are.


Good luck OP. Glad you got the advise you needed.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

The one thing you can sure of is that men always lie when there’s nothing to lie about, because men love to act like something’s wrong when nothing is wrong.

Best of luck. There’s a cream for that itch. You might want to buy in bulk.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> The one thing you can sure of is that men always lie when there’s nothing to lie about, because men love to act like something’s wrong when nothing is wrong.
> *
> Best of luck. There’s a cream for that itch. You might want to buy in bulk.*


Sometimes it’s best to keep all that stuff you have for your ex bottled up a little tighter.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

SimZ said:


> Relax
> 
> @Longtime Hubby
> 
> ...


As with most on-line advice, you will get all kinds of opinions, based on lots of different experience.

Hopefully, some of the advice resonated with you. Far too often people come with a predetermined opinion they want reinforced. I don't think that you did that.

Also far too often different people have had similar situations and are just trying to share what happened and worked or didn't work for them. Many on this website have been badly hurt by their spouses. Some have learned from their experiences and reconnected and rebuilt their relationships.

You sound like you and your H had a real heart to heart discussion and he realized how horribly he treated you and how much he want to prove he can be forgiven.

I wish you the best of luck. I hope that your H has learned his lesson.

Good luck.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> The one thing you can sure of is that men always lie when there’s nothing to lie about, because men love to act like something’s wrong when nothing is wrong.
> 
> Best of luck. There’s a cream for that itch. You might want to buy in bulk.


"Men always lie when there's nothing to lie about"????

Not some men but "men". You've been here on TAM for less then a year and in your nearly 5,600 posts you've made so many accusations painting ALL men in a negative light that it's not an accident (where you could come back and say you meant "some" men). 

What you can NOT see through your bitterness is the actions of a few men AND women don't represent their entire gender.


----------



## elliblue (7 mo ago)

SimZ said:


> Oh my God people. Just stop with all the negativity. And overboard posts. I came here for real feedback. I think I got that from a few folks. The rest is not needed. Please calm down. Mission over and done with. Thank you to the kind rational folks with real perspectives and advice. You know who you are.


Yeah OK. But makes no sense that he didn't know it would hurt you. Why did he lie then in the first place?
If he thought you'd be Ok with him doing what he did, why did he try to hide it from you???



SimZ said:


> My husband of 10 years recently went to a strip club with friends and paid for 2 lap dances. He was supposed to be out with his boss and coworkers for dinner and drinks. He lied to me and said he was at a bar after dinner.


Hello? Wake up. You are in denial.
Put your health first and test for STDS. Regularly from now on. 
Maybe nothing serious happened, but your husband proved he's willing to lie and do thinks behind your back. Again. He was fully aware of your feelings, otherwise he wouldn't have lied to you...


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> The one thing you can sure of is that men always lie when there’s nothing to lie about, because men love to act like something’s wrong when nothing is wrong.
> 
> Best of luck. There’s a cream for that itch. You might want to buy in bulk.


Yep we are ALL just one big bunch of liars for the sake of lying.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Yep we are ALL just one big bunch of liars for the sake of lying.


I agree. Or do I? I could be lying.

Nope, good post, I agree.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Yep we are ALL just one big bunch of liars for the sake of lying.


Right? It’s so crazy to say the guy didn’t know she’d be upset. If he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong he wouldn’t have lied about it. I realize I’m generalizing but as whole in my experience men don’t create drama if they can help it.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

elliblue said:


> Yeah OK. But makes no sense that he didn't know it would hurt you. Why did he lie then in the first place?
> If he thought you'd be Ok with him doing what he did, why did he try to hide it from you???
> 
> 
> ...


I'll say it again, if OP Ds H over this by eternally focusing how this makes him just and only a butthole, no redeeming qualities, it was never about the strip club situation.


----------



## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I'll say it again, if OP Ds H over this by eternally focusing how this makes him just and only a butthole, no redeeming qualities, it was never about the strip club situation.


It is not about divorce, but she should be more cautious. All men and women should. Sex is a massive responsibility and not testing for STDs only because you want to believe your spouse is an angel, could turn put to be a big mistake.


Just keeping in mind if he is already willing to pay fpr a dance he might be already paying for more behind her back.
Let's forget that yadda yadda about love and trust. We know there are plenty men doing this (paying sexworkers) without their wifes knwoledge. 
Personal health and protecting it is more important then trusting a partner especially if he already proved he lies instead of being honest from the beginning...


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DudeInProgress said:


> Have you never actually been to a strip club? I’ve been a number of times, years ago now, and never once do I remember actually having an erection.


How does that make it ok?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DudeInProgress said:


> Have you never actually been to a strip club? I’ve been a number of times, years ago now, and never once do I remember actually having an erection.


I've been to strip clubs, back in the day actually way back a lot more business men did, not condoning it though. I didn't care to be there but went when single. Never have I let a stripper touch me though, much less grind their vajajay on me. Others did most assuredly but it's not my bag to be one of the many guys a stripper rubs on in a night.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’ll admit to having one a time or two… .. 

Anyway. The advice to be careful how much OP trusts her husband not to have done something worse, and to maybe do some digging and be watchful is sound advice.
If he was so trustworthy, he wouldn’t have been in a strip club. However, all this stuff about sex in the clubs and blue balls and beating off in the restrooms……. That’s not at all been my experience. Guys go have a beer, ogle young hot bodies, laugh it up and generally be obnoxious. I can’t think of a single example of sex occurring with a stripper.
I saw FAR more sex occurring at dance clubs/bars than I did at a strip club, although still not common.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

sideways said:


> "Men always lie when there's nothing to lie about"????
> 
> Not some men but "men". You've been here on TAM for less then a year and in your nearly 5,600 posts you've made so many accusations painting ALL men in a negative light that it's not an accident (where you could come back and say you meant "some" men).
> 
> What you can NOT see through your bitterness is the actions of a few men AND women don't represent their entire gender.


She was being facetious. She was saying oh yeah, because men always lie when there's no reason to lie. She was being facetious and saying that people lie for a reason, not for no reason. 

Good grief.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Yep we are ALL just one big bunch of liars for the sake of lying.


She was being facetious and saying oh sure because people always lie for no reason. She was saying if he's lying there's a reason why he's lying because people don't lie for no reason. I can't believe she's getting attacked for that and that people didn't get it based on the context of this thread.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She was being facetious. She was saying oh yeah, because men always lie when there's no reason to lie. She was being facetious and saying that people lie for a reason, not for no reason.
> 
> Good grief.


I beg to differ. 

She has posted COUNTLESS critical comments painting men (not some men) with one brush.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

sideways said:


> I beg to differ.
> 
> She has posted COUNTLESS critical comments painting men (not some men) with one brush.


Well you misread this post and went off topic in the process.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well you misread this post and went off topic in the process.


Like I said, I beg to differ, and I'm not going to go back and forth with you on this.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

OP, I appreciate that you are trying to think the best of him so that you don't need to do anything about the situation, but surely you realise that it's highly unlikely it's his only time? He has already lied, he could easily have lied many more times.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> The one thing you can sure of is that men always lie when there’s nothing to lie about, because men love to act like something’s wrong when nothing is wrong.
> 
> Best of luck. There’s a cream for that itch. You might want to buy in bulk.


Yes, I guess that's must be what OP believes since she's chosen to ignore him lying to her. Seems like a no-brainer to me but apparently not everybody gets it.


----------



## 356660 (5 mo ago)

Lotsofheart73 said:


> OP. @SimZ , I read the first page of this and the 9th page with all the back and forth arguing. Personally, I think if the two of you have never discussed strip clubs, you should focus on the lying. I think that is the bigger issue. Stay calm and get to a place where the two of you can have a discussion without crying & without blame. Then work something out where the two of you agree to acceptable boundaries regarding strip clubs - for both of you.
> 
> I don’t think it’s worth blowing things up because the two of you never specifically discussed in the past. I know you feel like you shouldn’t have to but not everyone has the same life experience etc and people change their mind as the go through life.
> Discuss, set boundaries and work on honesty together.


@Young at Heart 
Thank you. I see that now. At first anger got me. I'm trying to think a bit more calmly now. I don't think I can forget. And I know to many this isn't a big deal, but to me it is. I'm usually very humble. But he does ha e the best at home. We both are very blessed. And this past Thursday he ruined all the beauty we had in 13 years. I felt safe. But perhaps he asked I was more open but he knew enough also to lie to me. So he knows I also wasn't if that makes sense. I voiced all I could. Now it will just take time... 🙏🙏🙏


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## 356660 (5 mo ago)

SimZ said:


> @Young at Heart
> Thank you. I see that now. At first anger got me. I'm trying to think a bit more calmly now. I don't think I can forget. And I know to many this isn't a big deal, but to me it is. I'm usually very humble. But he does ha e the best at home. We both are very blessed. And this past Thursday he ruined all the beauty we had in 13 years. I felt safe. But perhaps he asked I was more open but he knew enough also to lie to me. So he knows I also wasn't if that makes sense. I voiced all I could. Now it will just take time... 🙏🙏🙏


@Lotsofheart73


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## 356660 (5 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> As with most on-line advice, you will get all kinds of opinions, based on lots of different experience.
> 
> Hopefully, some of the advice resonated with you. Far too often people come with a predetermined opinion they want reinforced. I don't think that you did that.
> 
> ...


Thank you. 🙏 @Young at Heart


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She was being facetious and saying oh sure because people always lie for no reason. She was saying if he's lying there's a reason why he's lying because people don't lie for no reason. I can't believe she's getting attacked for that and that people didn't get it based on the context of this thread.


There are posters who will attack me if I say the sky is blue. I could literally say that all men are perfect and we know exactly which ones on here will squeal “man hater!” It’s always the same ones and I have them on ignore for a reason. 🙄 BigDaddy got it and that’s who I was really talking to anyway. The rest can stuff it in a sock, they’re also the ones who are saying it’s not cheating when men do it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> There are posters who will attack me if I say the sky is blue. I could literally say that all men are perfect and we know exactly which ones on here will squeal “man hater!” It’s always the same ones and I have them on ignore for a reason. 🙄 BigDaddy got it and that’s who I was really talking to anyway. The rest can stuff it in a sock, they’re also the ones who are saying it’s not cheating when men do it.


Perfect? There you go. You got me. 😉🙄🤣🤣🤣

I actually grok you and think you're spot on a lot of times. Other times you may go off on a tangent but hey don't we all.

You remind me a bit of Mrs. Ragnar.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Perfect? There you go. You got me. 😉🙄🤣🤣🤣
> 
> I actually grok you and think you're spot on a lot of times. Other times you may go off on a tangent but hey don't we all.
> 
> You remind me a bit of Mrs. Ragnar.


I was clearly being facetious. I thought you got that from my post, apparently others did not. You don’t usually scream “man hater” at the sight of my name like others do. 🙄🤪😂. It’s tiresome and technically both a threadjack and a personal attack, two things that are supposed to be against the rules. Regardless, the OP has decided she’s ok with strip clubs and lap dances and all that so it’s a moot point.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

SimZ said:


> @Lotsofheart73


I know someone else posted the comment.

One of the things I did to forgive my wife and remove anger from my heart was affirmations or self hypnosis. It is very powerful.

Have you ever heard a weight loss or stop smoking CD tape? You basically relax to soothing music and try to reach a relaxed and zen like state of mind. Then you repeat words and phrases that you want to go from your conscious mind to your subconscious mind. Or you create a tape or MP3 recording to play when you do your affirmations. I actually took a self help course and was told that having a voice of someone from the opposite sex will actually improve the transfer to your subconscious mind.

For me after my wife and I were in sex therapy because my wife told me she no longer wanted to have sex with me. I kept telling myself that I loved her and she loved me. That she didn't mean the hurtful things she told me. That she was human and made a mistake. The I should forgive her, focus on her actions and not her words. Rid myself of my anger. Doing those affirmations along with her changing herself and the way she treated me, allowed me to forgive and lose all anger I had for her. Of course it was the Sex Therapist we were seeing who was responsible for setting the stage and encouraging us to reconcile and save our marriage of roughly 40 years.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Young at Heart said:


> I know someone else posted the comment.
> 
> One of the things I did to forgive my wife and remove anger from my heart was affirmations or self hypnosis. It is very powerful.
> 
> ...


Its hard to know how you can forgive unless you know what you are forgiving. Its highly likely that he has done this many more times but OP cant bring herself to realize that.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Its hard to know how you can forgive unless you know what you are forgiving. Its highly likely that he has done this many more times but OP cant bring herself to realize that.


 it is pushing it a bit to say " Its highly likely that he has done this many more times "
it is not our place to plant more hurt in the ops mind SHE is the one that has to live with what ever road she takes, it is not easy to forgive but pushing this into calling it cheating is over the top and then saying many more times is been unjust to the op and we have to except her word until we are told other wise


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I for one would like for people to give the op a brake here and hope she stays coming back to us and keeps giving us her side and her view on other cases in the same type AND NOT drive her away making her feel cheap for excepting her husband side of the story


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Its hard to know how you can forgive unless you know what you are forgiving. Its highly likely that he has done this many more times but OP cant bring herself to realize that.


Why are you giving OP such a hard time? She’s come to grips with it and they are working it out. I wouldn’t keep digging. Also, you have no idea if he’s done this before. “Highly likely”? No basis for that statement.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> it is pushing it a bit to say " Its highly likely that he has done this many more times "
> it is not our place to plant more hurt in the ops mind SHE is the one that has to live with what ever road she takes, it is not easy to forgive but pushing this into calling it cheating is over the top and then saying many more times is been unjust to the op and we have to except her word until we are told other wise


She isn't even investigating whether he has done it more than once. Sort of burying her head in the sand. Its a bit like a cheater who says that they only had sex once, they have almost always had more. I am not 'pushing it' into calling it cheating, it IS cheating. Any sort of sexual contact/occurance that happens with another person outside the marriage is cheating. There doesn't even need to be touch, although lap dances must be very hard to do without some sort of contact.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RebuildingMe said:


> Why are you giving OP such a hard time? She’s come to grips with it and they are working it out. I wouldn’t keep digging. Also, you have no idea if he’s done this before. “Highly likely”? No basis for that statement.


So the one time she happened to discover it was the only time? That's like saying that the one times a spouse finds out their spouse had cheated was the only time. We all know that would be highly unlikely. 
I understand though, she doesn't want to think he has done it many times before and lied many times before. Its easier just to let it go.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

once the op said where she stands on the subject it is time to take a step back and not add to the matter , some could call it badgering or even bulling


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