# Spouse's mental health - should I worry?



## Kvothe_The_Raven (Apr 6, 2014)

So, I've searched for information on this and I can't find anything relevant to help me with my concern; only information that adds to my concern.

I don't want to divulge all because I almost feel I'm betraying confidence here, despite the anonymity of this website. It's just so personal and yet troubling. I've already been discussing my situation in another thread - a sort-of WAW situation but not because she's sticking around until she's sure of her feelings.

Well, a lot of people suggested an affair was in progress and I know with a large amount of certainty that there isn't one.. in reality, that is. Bear with me here. 

A year ago she was suffering severe stress at her workplace and left to pursue her own career, setting up a business from home. Meanwhile we tried for a family. By the end of the year, we didn't succeed in either; it ending with a miscarriage (or rather a phantom pregnancy as some one has suggested). Start the new year with a series of unfortunate events that send me into self-pity mode and she starts fantasising about celebrities and having crushes. The crushes become obsessive and she identifies it as a problem in the relationship. Out comes the ILYB conversation and that's where my other thread takes off.

Now, this is what I want to discuss here. Not the series of events that lead to this but the obsessive behaviour. She went to the GP to deal with PTSD and has been put on prozac. According to her the obsessive daydreaming stopped, but she is now obsessed with a recurring dream where she is involved with someone she identifies as her spiritual twin. It's a heady romantic involvement that is all consuming and furthermore, she seems to think (or atleast hope) that it is a foretelling of what's to come. She doesn't stop thinking about it. She reads into everything as a sign of this coming true and her feelings for me?
They're beyond "nothing" - she actually wakes up from these dreams of passion feeling guilty of betrayal... to the fantasy person in her head for being married to me!! 
I noticed her having a conversation with herself the other day where she was completely lost in a dreamworld, seeming to flirt with the invisible man and this has got me worried.

She has suffered in the past with delusions but they stemmed from a time she was on all sorts of meds. Those past illnesses have been dealt with through therapy now, but back then I was still her husband and the one person that helped her through the dark times and I seemed to keep her grounded. This time though, she's mentally and emotionally divorced me and I'm genuinely concerned about her as well as our marriage.

I am right in thinking this is not "normal" per se. Is there anything that I could do besides get her to her counsellor?


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## Kvothe_The_Raven (Apr 6, 2014)

The behaviour is still worrying me - the more I think about it and see it, the more it seems obvious that whatever is behind this behaviour is perpetuating the destruction of her feelings for me.

I'm treating like an actual affair, not letting it get to me, but I'm actually more concerned for her.

I'm not sure whether this is worse than an affair with anybody real. The signs she keeps reading into sound like she's making herself open to anybody that fits the bill! 

Going off my own feelings, it's as though there is no effort to divorce me until dream man comes along. Personally I'd want our relationship to work even if I didn't have feelings for her - I'd want to identify the problems and work on them. In fact, a number of years ago I did lose respect for her and leaving did cross my mind. It was ILYBINILWY on my part, but she demonstrated change and strength of character, however, I never really lost all my feelings for.

I've been reading MMSLP and His Needs, Her Needs as suggested on here, but I'm not sure if anything is applicable to my situation.

Any thoughts?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I have not read your other threads. Is she being treated by a doctor for her delusions/hallucinations? Is she on any medication currently?


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## Kvothe_The_Raven (Apr 6, 2014)

She is on anti-depressants but still waiting for therapy sessions. She did have an independent counsellor but couldn't afford to continue regular sessions. Worryingly her counsellor did warn her of the dangers of using some of the "techniques" (namely connecting with ones self) on her own due to her capacity to get carried away, which seems to be what's happening. She convinced about dreams and reading into lots of "signs" around her. This is someone that is a very rational, logical and highly intelligent person..


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Sorry, but I'd cut bait. I've known 5 people who's identity changed over a few short months.

1 is now dead. The best guess anyone has is prescription pain killers + drinking + anti-depressants rewired her head. It was scary how delusional she became. 

1 is also dead. Obsessive compulsive and betrayed by a WAW. So, he stalked her with 'bad intents' and went to prison. Don't know what happened there, but it morphed into compulsive lying and delusion. Broke parole, went back in jail. Got sick (can't remember the disease, and died)

1 is also dead. Drugs... In just a few short months got hooked on heroin; Lost her house, marriage, kids, started stealing... died on the streets from on overdose.

1 is institutionalized. Again drugs. Roommate. Had some 'reaction' to whatever recreational drug he did that rewired everything. Scary personality swap from Mr. Young Republican, to creepy guy standing in the corner of your room at 2am staring at the closet. 

And 1 I'm married to. Adultery and a complete shift in who she was and wanted to be. Brought on by a trigger from a violent rape when she was young.

Basically, with each and every one there were tons of people who loved them dearly and tried like hell to help them. Parents dumping tens of thousands into therapy and recovery. All completely helpless and I've watched what this does to them. It hurts. Not one success story. Even my wife is only a partial recovery, and I think some of has to do with one of those dead people being her sister... so now my wife at least thinks about ramifications somewhat realistically.

I wish you luck. You might start looking into institutions and mental health services from the government. She sounds like she's off the reservation.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Here's my thoughts.

1.Shes either have a reaction to the medication(s) she is on. 

2.Shes on some drugs other than something prescription.

3.She has some mental issues going on, period. 

It could also be a combination of all three! Talking to imaginary people might be some form of Schizophrenia.

Might be a good idea to call her doctor and tell them whats going on.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

This is so heartbreaking and sad.

On one side I want to tell you to contact her doctor and tell them what's going on.

On the other, I'm getting a feeling that what she is dealing with can possibly be due to anti depressants that are EXTREMELY over prescribed in this country and I'm not exactly sure if I would trust a doctor.

While diagnosing her with depression, has the doctor asked to change diet or do physical activity etc? Or just handed the pills.

These pills mess with brain chemistry and often do more damage than good. 

fact that our entire healthcare system is FOR PROFIT is just so wrong to me. Goes completely against my morals. 

Is Doctor interests really to heal/help or do their best to get repeating business?

I like to be optimistic and say Doctor interests are with the client but from what I have seen over the years, well, actions speak louder than words BUT I will say that there is some great doctors out there as well.

:scratchhead:


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## Kvothe_The_Raven (Apr 6, 2014)

The ease with which anti-depressants are prescribed concerns me too. I went to the GP myself just to ask for help coping with the stress I'm dealing with. I was expecting to get details about support groups, advice about diet and exercise, counselling.. no, instead I was told that my symptoms were indicative of depression and I was recommended anti-depressants myself (I opted for counselling).

Anyhow, things came to a head recently after an initial MC session which showed that there were still some issues of resentment and hurt and a long discussion where I was told she wanted a divorce.
The true reason for wanting to leave me though was something I didn't agree with - her desire to be with the dream man whom she truly believes to be walking into her life soon.

Whether or not this is the case, I pointed out what she has admitted to herself in previous conversations - that she is not in a fit state of mind to be making any decisions about us at the moment. She is unable to assess her feelings properly and she is aware that her happiness is contrary to what anyone would feel if they were about to lose the person closest to them with whom they have shared half their life with - 99.9% of the time with happy, loving memories. 

We agreed that she needs to improve her mental health first, then deal with the relationship issues in MC and then assess her desire to stay or leave. Meanwhile, I'm staying authentic and positive and supportive, keeping a fine balance between fighting for the relationship and listening to her with understanding.

Despite the disconnection and confusion, I believe there are glimpses of reality in her thinking.. and that's painful at the moment.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Kvothe_The_Raven said:


> The ease with which anti-depressants are prescribed concerns me too. I went to the GP myself just to ask for help coping with the stress I'm dealing with. I was expecting to get details about support groups, advice about diet and exercise, counselling.. no, instead I was told that my symptoms were indicative of depression and I was recommended anti-depressants myself (I opted for counselling).


Smart!

Anti Depressants can cause more harm than good. Once you dive into it, it's a domino effect on your health and mental state.

It should be reserved for EXTREME cases here and there. Unfortunately they are handing it out left and right.....hard to blame them, Pharma pushes it and Doctors probably get commission by doing so.

When the health declines, guess where you are going for repeat business?



Kvothe_The_Raven said:


> Anyhow, things came to a head recently after an initial MC session which showed that there were still some issues of resentment and hurt and a long discussion where I was told she wanted a divorce.
> The true reason for wanting to leave me though was something I didn't agree with - her desire to be with the dream man whom she truly believes to be walking into her life soon.
> 
> Whether or not this is the case, I pointed out what she has admitted to herself in previous conversations - that she is not in a fit state of mind to be making any decisions about us at the moment. She is unable to assess her feelings properly and she is aware that her happiness is contrary to what anyone would feel if they were about to lose the person closest to them with whom they have shared half their life with - 99.9% of the time with happy, loving memories.
> ...


I'm glad you are sticking by her, I probably wouldn't if my wife said she wants to leave me for a some "dream man".

I would run pretty fast. But perhaps there is something for ME to learn here as well.

At the end of the day, if she is willing to work, things will work out!


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Do some research on Maladaptive Daydreaming. This disorder comes about in people who have suffered trauma and/or severe stress. It's an outlet to escape the real world but the daydreaming begins to take on a life of its own. Instead of using drugs people will daydream instead. And yes, this disorder can make it seem as if they are talking to themselves. The reality, however, is that they are so emersed in the daydream it seems real to them and they believe they are actually talking to someone.


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## Kvothe_The_Raven (Apr 6, 2014)

IrishGirlVA said:


> Do some research on Maladaptive Daydreaming.


That was pretty scary - reading the list of symptoms reads like a list of her current behaviour. 

This is a problem bigger than I know how to deal with effectively and definitely needs handling delicately. On the positive side she is actively looking for work now and this will help bring some routine and _reality_ to her life. Additionally, she'll be able to go back to her IC. I'm just wondering whether, as her spouse, I should speak to her counsellor in confidence regarding this.

The meds she claims to have helped her with the distractions but I actually think they've just gone much, much deeper and it's now like a private and personal issue which have changed her mindset and beliefs. When she opens up to me about her private thoughts she even admits herself that she feels like she's going mad, but I worry about the way she reads into everything as though her mind seeks out all the patterns that affirm her way of thinking.. and I know how powerful (and destructive) the mind can be. 

The problem is I'm not a counsellor.. just a concerned husband.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think your talking to the counselor is a very good idea. The more input, the better.

If her behavior is a reaction to severe trauma, what do you think the severe trauma was? Is it really severe past stress at work? 

Are you being completely honest about your past behavior towards her? Is that the source of the PTSD, and the fantasy man who is going to rescue her . . . from _you?_


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

how about trying some medical marijuana on her...maybe it will calm down those odd thoughts?

Also, maybe YOU can become that man of her dreams. Ask her for details about him, what he looks like, how he dresses, what he does...and try to roleplay him for her. 

If you are a devious type, you could find a gypsy fortune teller, pay her to tell your wife that her long term future is with you...and then take your wife to her for a palm reading. 

Other than those feeble ideas...maybe she needs some serious psychiatric counseling.

Married is for better or worse, sickness and in health....and she is sick so its NOT a time to bail on her. help her all you can, you are all she has.


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