# Please tell me... Is he a player?



## sarabee (Feb 14, 2011)

Hi, Need some opinions if anyone would care to chime in.

I think maybe my sport partner is a player. We hooked up as partners and even though over the couple years we been together sharing our sport I have become increasingly fond of him. I think its because we share our passion for the sport but also because we share so many things in common. At first I wasn't attracted to him and still not but I dont care too much about that because of everything else. 

I think I have given him alot of me... my time, my car ( his isnt so great) and lots of money for classes ( he pays half) etc... 
With that being said, I feel he is using me. Sometimes we do other things on the side like going to dinner, movies and such. Sometimes he puts his arm around me and showing me some affection but when he isnt with me he is spending time with other women. I'm getting mixed signals and I'm confused
which leads me to think he is a player. 

I'm about ready to call it quits. If I can't be the dish, then I don't want to be the dishrag, ya know?


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

He may or may not be a player, but you aren't of real interest to him either way apart from being his sugarmama.


----------



## sarabee (Feb 14, 2011)

Atholk said:


> He may or may not be a player, but you aren't of real interest to him either way apart from being his sugarmama.


Wow. Thats a new way of looking at it. Thank you. Ok, I have forgot to mention something else.... He calls me several times a week to chat and always wants to make plans for the next weekend. What does this mean?


----------



## sarabee (Feb 14, 2011)

Btw, Deep down I feel he does feel something for me and shows it in subtle ways but I just think he doesnt want to commit.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Go read He's Just Not That Into You

Costs $0.01 plus shipping used off Amazon.com.

Stop giving him money until you finish the book. Then review things.


----------



## sarabee (Feb 14, 2011)

Ok, thanks for the advice. I will try and get the book. That will give me something to compare to.

Many thanks!


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Are you wanting him as a sports partner, boyfriend, or both? Maybe he is confused.


----------



## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

sarabee said:


> Wow. Thats a new way of looking at it. Thank you. Ok, I have forgot to mention something else.... He calls me several times a week to chat and always wants to make plans for the next weekend. What does this mean?


He is into you, but only as a friend and sugar mommy. Not as a love interest (for now). Seriously. Most of the time a man gives mixed signals, he's does not want you or he does not know he wants you. If a man does want you, it's more apparent.

So just stop there and don't get your hopes up. It might take ages for men to know they like you if they even do that at all.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> At first I wasn't attracted to him and still not but I dont care too much about that because of everything else.


So your feelings have changed? How would he know that? I'm a bit confused about what you want. Let me advise you--speaking from experience--don not ignore that you are not attracted to him. You can like someone an awful lot, even love them, but if you aren't attracted, it is very likely to have a negative effect over the long term.


----------



## sarabee (Feb 14, 2011)

827Aug said:


> Are you wanting him as a sports partner, boyfriend, or both? Maybe he is confused.


Aug, I thank you for your reply and help  At first it was just being a partner but since we have spent alot of time together and realizing all the fun I am having with him and all the things we have in common I think he growing on me! lol. Lately though, I am feeling like I want it to be exclusive, but I am doubting he wants that. He seems like he likes his single carefree life and not be tied down to one person. I think he likes the attention from others, in fact i think it _feeds_ his ego. I wouldn't doubt he is confused. I think he is attracted to me and our fun together but I don't think he wants it to be exclusive.

I might add, when we first hooked up he would gently hold my hand during breaks but back then I didnt want that so I kinda brushed him off and felt he was moving too fast. Now I feel different as I have time to get to know him.

"Boyfriend" seems hard for me to say but I think thats what I am wanting.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It sounds as though you have given him mixed signals over the years. Perhaps it's time for you to have a serious talk with him. You really won't know where he is at until you do.


----------



## sarabee (Feb 14, 2011)

Draguna said:


> He is into you, but only as a friend and sugar mommy. Not as a love interest (for now). Seriously. Most of the time a man gives mixed signals, he's does not want you or he does not know he wants you. If a man does want you, it's more apparent.
> 
> So just stop there and don't get your hopes up. It might take ages for men to know they like you if they even do that at all.



Iam sincerly thankful to all of you posters replies. Its helping me define my feelings for him to a certain degree. Maybe once you all are through with me I will understand my feelings for him better and know where to go from here.

Draguna, I am was happy you said "He is into you" but when I finished reading the rest of what you said I felt bummed out. I am having a hard time with the "sugarmomma" thing because he does pay 1/2 of all our expenses because I it was our agreement ( as partners) back then. Why shouldn't I pay 1/2 ? I am a working single gal who can pay my share. So thats where that stands even today. At times when I am short of cash he will pay my share but I pay him back. I felt as partners I need to support my end of the deal. He has been a great sport and friend. He being single too doesn't always like to go movies and such by himself and he asks me to go along then he usually pays my way. He's actually quite generous with his money I guess which is why he is in a financial pit.

I agree with you about him not knowing what he wants and all but I feel many times we "feel" close to one another. I feel it many times. I am having a very hard time wanting to talk to him about it because I think I already know what the answer will be and I don't want to feel like a fool. Ugh! This is so hard.

I almost want to back away for awhile to sort things out.


----------



## sarabee (Feb 14, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> So your feelings have changed? How would he know that? I'm a bit confused about what you want. Let me advise you--speaking from experience--don not ignore that you are not attracted to him. You can like someone an awful lot, even love them, but if you aren't attracted, it is very likely to have a negative effect over the long term.


Sisters, Yes, I believe my feelings have changed. Its been close to 2 yrs and there are days where I think about him all day long. 

I think he already knows that through my hugs, holding hands etc.. I think we both are afraid to tell each other, aleast I am. I really think he doesn't want to be tied to one gal. If he doesn't then I don't want to be a side line honey while he goes running around with other women. I do think he admires me more than anyone else but If he is adamant about still having his total freedom then that won't agree with me. If there is anything I can't stand in a man is one who thinks he can "have his cake and eat it too". It seems to me he would think a _relationship_would stifle him. This is why I am stuck.

I think he wants me to some degree and gives me signals that he really likes me but I wonder if he does this with others too and maybe he is treating others like that as well when I'm not around. I think he likes to keep himself in the loop to keep his ego flying high and to have backups in case I can't make it.
Because of this is why I suspect him of being a player.

If this sounds confusing, then it is because I AM confused! 

Please keep asking the questions, and help me sort this out! I really really appreciate it.


----------



## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

I know what it feels like to develop feelings for a sport partner. It has a lot to do with the amount of time spent together. It is great to share the same interest with someone, especially of an opposite sex, and when you spend a lot of time with someone who is generally a nice person, feelings might develop.

I think he genuinely cares about you but is not in love with you. He doesn't want you in that way or he would be very obvious about it. When men want you they will do anything to get you. 

Attraction is extremely important. Without attraction sex is never as good, and love can quickly downshift to friendship, or sexless marriage/relationship. 

Limit your contact with him as much as possible. Date other men, meet new people. Do you miss him? Do you still want him? Or is being without him becoming bearable? Sometimes women just want to feel loved, and you might be in a need of a mate. Why chase this guy (who obviously isn't sure about you) and miss out on a guy (somewhere out there) who will obviously want more than friendship, minus the car and gifts. When a man loves you he will make sure he makes an impression, and being broke and needy of your car sure isn't it!


----------



## sarabee (Feb 14, 2011)

Thank you to all of you for taking the time to help me! you've been quite helpful. 

Nikkon, I think you hit the nail on the head. I think thats whats happening here. We do spend alot of time together and its probably because of that. I am taking your advice about backing off and see where things go. Its going to hurt but I know I need to do this.

Aug, You may be right about what you say. I am taking that into consideration. I think time will tell after I back off ALOT from being his partner. I am going to date others as well and let my feelings settle a bit.

Many thanks again!


----------



## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

When you step back the time away will give both of you a clear mind to think about what both of you want. If he wants to commit or not he will know it when you are away.

My opinion about your situation is he does care about you and maybe wants you but doesn't want to hurt you or lose you because if he can't be committed to only one this is going to hurt you and hurt your relationship as friends and partners as well.

I agree with sisters that attraction is very important in a relationship

Take the time away you need this is going to help you to sort your feelings out and have back control over yourself so you can see more clearly and you know what you really want.


----------



## sarabee (Feb 14, 2011)

LVS, thank you for your advice. I know you are right as well as the others. I am taking the advice here and hope some fuzzy things become more clear as I step back. I know at times things get clouded and one cannot see things until they do step back.

I know I must do this as much as it hurts but I need to take care of me. I can see that if he really wanted a relationship it would become more and more noticeable by now but too many things are lagging. If I knew things were moving along forward at a nice pace then I wouldn't question things. I know relationships take time to nuture and I need patience but I feel things are sputtering ALOT and not like any relationship that develops normally, atleast is how I would see.

In a big way I hope he does miss me and re-analyzes things. Funny thing is, I wasn't looking for anyone really. It's just that I have never met anyone who we share so much in common. I assume everyones right about the attraction thing and later on down the road may become a problem and I wouldn't like that to interfere with the relationship. 

Thanks again LVS


----------



## tpb72 (Feb 18, 2011)

A couple things I'm a little confused about. Are you meaning a sport partner or a FWB? As well, the money spent issue.

If we are talking about a sport partner, I would think you should share the expenses. I wouldn't see this as giving a lot of you (time you want to spend on your sport, money spent on classes you want to take). It really sounds to me like you guys have just developed a friendship. 

I take it you don't really have close male friends. Everything you have described is what I would do with one of my friends. Hang out, talk on the phone, go catch a movie, come over for a movie, go out for supper, have him over for supper, help me move stuff (he has a truck), lend him my car (better on gas for long trips), help me fix something, I help him with yard work, go on out of town trips together to visit a mutual friend, lend each other money, pay the way if the other is short, etc, etc. 

We weren't dating, we were friends. And as we were just friends, we were dating other people. No playing going on.

Some guys are quite comfortable being touchy feely with their friends that are girls so I wouldn't really read to much into that.

I think you're start to be interested in your friend and reading too much into the friendship behaviour he is showing you.

If you want to try dating him (never mind being exclusive ... not sure you guys have ever had a date??), maybe ask him but I really think if he was interested he would have by now.

Now if you meant FWB that would just be weird that you'd pay any of his expenses. The reason I'm confused if your meaning FWB is that you think there is any kind of relationship in the first place and why you would refer to his dating as "other girls".


----------



## openheart (Mar 8, 2011)

hey if he is not your exclusive boyfriend you definitely shouldn't be giving him money, etc. and probably not even if he was. it's like the old why would someone want to buy the cow when they are getting the milk for free already adage.


----------



## johnboy63 (May 2, 2011)

Seems to me he see's you as his buddy. If he was interested in you sexually or romantically, being the 'player' you portray him to be, he would already have made sexual advances on you. I'm sure he just see's you as a buddy. You should just keep it that way but tell him no more free joyrides with your car or your cash unless he keeps a tab and pays you back.


----------



## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

Men are simple. Very simple. Don't assume he knows what your thinking. He doesn't. You have to tell him exactly what your doing. If you don't. He wont figure it out on his own. 

I can tell you exactly what he is thinking. Friend. Friend with benefits. Men don't have one single problem with this. We can keep it straight much better than women can because to us, love is as different to sex. 

If you want more, you have to say so, Slowly and clearly, in very simple words.


----------

