# Married for 3 months...Bomb drops on New Year's Eve



## ballofemotion (Jan 4, 2013)

Hello! I'm new to the forum, and I am trying to sort things out before I lose control. I will try to be as brief as I can, but this one is a little complex.

I've been with my wife for 6 years total, 3 months married. I actually cheated on her about 6 months into our relationship (2007). I felt horrible and remorseful, as I am not the traditional "Cheater" type. I actually care about her, and I'm a truthful person, so I told her (very hard decision and process). Side note: upon telling her, she cried and broke things in my home, and then she initiated extremely passionate sex with me immediately after. I thought that was weird.

This was about 5 years ago. She chose to stay with me and try to work through all of the resentment and horrible emotions. And things seemed to start looking up a bit around 2009, and in 2010 I tried to make sure she saw my effort in making the best relationship ever (she actually told me this). We are party people, and we attended a new years party, we start the year off with a kiss at 12am as our tradition. The next week we were off to Hawaii for a few days. Valentine's day was spent having quality time, champagne, and strawberries on a helicopter ride around the city. March, a few days in Puerto Rico with friends. 

In April, we had a fall out at a coed bachelor party for one of my best friends, for seemingly no apparent reason. I fo work long hours regularly, and used to work night shift back then. Thats when I started to realize that despite me spending time when I can, and showering her with affection, she seemed to pick fights and get mad for no obvious reason. Then she would try to argue (which I don't really engage in) and storm off, or go to her friend's or mom's house. 

In May my father was murdered, it was the most terrible feeling in the world. June, we spent her birthday weekend at a lake house with friends, and she picked a fight then, stormed outside where there were a couple of other people. She had refused sex on several occasions through the months up to this point, including that night, which always frustrated and baffled me. In July, after a friends birthday party she picked a fight at a lounge, citing that I "did not show emotion and act like I cared if the talked to other dudes" (WTF????) I'm a very mild mannered, relaxed, and very trusting guy. I am also secure. She has dated many jealous types, and she is a jealous type, I guess she could not accept my personality, so I thought. 

So that night we get home, I'm eager for sex as it has been 2 weeks of "not in the moods" and "maybe laters". She throws a tantrum and leaves my home at like 3am. 

*Side note* this was the first night off of her period when she is normally extremely horny.

I was pissed, frustrated, and suspicious, I drove by her mom's house where she said she was going, she wasn't there. I called here and she sends me a text saying "Leave me alone". I went psycho for a second and called her like 13 times in a row, only to get vmail. I then packed all of her things and left them at the door of her mom's house. 

We finally talked and got back together 2 weeks later and she promised me that she had not gone over any guy's house, and she would tell me if that was the case. She said that she went to her cousin's house and spent the night to get away from me because she was frustrated.

We discussed my prior infidelity and I clearly expressed to her the importance of trust, trusting to tell the truth no matter how bad the situation. She agreed. Earlier that year we went to a friends birthday party and I noticed that there was a little bit of "flirtatious chemistry" between them, I told her to back off and she obliged.

I have since decided I'd like her hand in marriage after being through so much, I proposed, we had a beautiful and memorable wedding, everything is perfect for the last 
3 months straight. 

2013 New Year's eve she has words with a mutual guy friend who is dating her cousin, and she "thinks he is a total loser". She has had animosity for this guy for a while citing that he dated one of her other cousins and is a dirty man harlot. Meanwhile I'm thinking the whole time, why don't you let them lead there life as they may?

Any way, words got exchanged then shoving, that when I realized the commotion was between those two and I stepped between them, then calmly and firmly push the guy into another room. I ask him what is his problem, he says that she is trying to come between him and her cousin's relationship and he refuses to be disrespected. I say fine, don't ever touch her again, come to me. I remained calm, civil, and mild mannered through this whole ordeal. 

He then goes on to illustrate how he had an 8 month affair with her in 2010, starting at the new years eve party (you know the annual kiss from earlier) going through August.

He said that she grabbed and kissed him that night, while they were alone in the garage for a split second (I beleive it because that is her M.O. and the way we began talking in the first place)

He also said that she would text him after a couple weeks passed (according to the timeline I that's about the time we returned from Hawaii). He said that she would meet up with him for happy hour drinking sessions (I'd usually be at work around this time) and drink, have sex, and she would come home to me. He also said she stated that I failed to show interest in her by not calling, not showing emotion etc. HE said, and I quote, "we did everything basically like a real relationship sexually. She was even going to com visit me in Arizona while away for work...I started to feel very uncomfortable when she kept bringing you around, it wasn't right, I didn't know you that well at first, but when I started getting to know you it got real uncomfortable. I broke it off the night of my birthday party in August" I asked if he had developed feelings for here, he said "how can you have a relationship with someone for that long and not have feelings for them. I wasn't in Love, but yes there were feelings."

I called her in the room and asked her why she was so interested in the guy's relationship with her cousin and she said (and I quote) " Because... you know why" I said I need to hear it from you..."Because we messed around"...then looks at the guy and says "Thanks for ruining our new years eve." 

More words were exchanged, it got heated, I escorted dude out with the host of the party. I went home livid, she stayed at a friends house. 

After I replayed the situations in my mind over and over again I picked up a few things.

1) I feel that She was basically taunting this dude and using me (her husband) as a pawn to try to make him jealous on New Years Eve. So classless and childish.

2) She showed ZERO remorse with a pitiful gutless admission of guilt, which I still had to dig for.

3) The guy said that the reason he went to the 2010 new year's party in the first place was because SHE invited him.

4) I asked the guy about the specific night that she left my house at 3am and he said "It's funny that you mentioned that night, because I remember specifically she said that she picked a fight with you on purpose so she could have a reason to come see me. As a matter of fact, we basically met up and had sex every time she said she felt "neglected," so however many times you can remember her saying that, that's how many times we had sex."

5) Everything the dude said matched up with the timeline perfectly, even one incident where he said that at the Lake house, "she did not want to f-you that night so she picked a fight and came outside and tried to have sex with me, while you were in the other room. We got fondled and kissed, but I felt too uncomfortable so I told her to stop."

6) As for that one night in July 2010, she has still not owned up to it as of right now. I felt horrible then, and I never truly bought her story. I fell exponentially horrible now, with even more anger and pure dark rage.

I can't see her or talk to her without completely losing it, so I told her not to contact me and find somewhere else to stay, at least til I can think about this without these emotions clouding my judgment.

I know that this all sounds like a bad episode of a Real Housewives of Such and Such show, but this pile of worm infested dog poop is my life right now, and I'm a nuclear bomb in a coke bottle about to detonate. I'm seeing a therapist in the morning. I would appreciate any insight or advice, or feedback or something. I'm so lost in emotions right now I can't think straight. Mainly anger, hurt, betrayal, fury, rage...mostly rage.

I guess karma is a B...


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Divorce


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

There is nothing here to remotely salvage but your self respect and a prompt Divorce. You saw everything exposed at ground zero, that women has issues. Plenty of other women out there, that is of better quality then her.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Owwch!
She states to the OP after you hear the "story" "Thanks for ruining our new years eve." WOW seems it was a grand old party which seems to have exceeded the marridge. Sorry for being smart its not aimed at you in anyway. It IS however used to realise where her priority was at that point and it wasnt her marridge. 

Ok you cheated on her and came clean. She appears to have done so, possibly in a revenge style attack but has fought to continue it and and even stratagised how to force her self out of your home to be with him as and when shw wanted. Sadly the way she has done this and by the way she reacted at the party Id say you could try to reconcile but its going to be one heck of a big ask of you to accept that she has been out to hurt you like this not once but on successful occasions. It may be she felt like you werent there for her but at what stage does a H or W for that fact show care and concern for their marridge and cross the invisable line to be be over the top and jealous? She came from that environment and should know what damage this does but still went out and worked on this relationship with someone else. I suspect that with 3 months in the packet as far as a marridge is concerned the vow "forsaking all others" is broken and is evident from her reaction to the OP's relationship with someone else. Shes with you in body (just) but her feelings are with him


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Divorce.

There are more than 3 billion women in this world and it is more than likely that you will find a suitable match if you know what to look for in a partner.

Life is too short. We all deserve better than a cheater and a liar. I understand that you too cheated but it seems like you at least made a conscious effort to reform yourself. Your wife is not even going to make an effort. Again, divorce.

Thank your lucky stars that you didn't have children with this walking-bag-of-stinking-poop. What can you expect her to teach your children?


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Man !!!!!!! I really hope you are not getting back with this woman.
There is no love for you in this woman. She is all about getting even and beyond.
Get some help to control yourself, and Never speak to the skan! again.

Do try to find out who all knew. They was groping at the lake in front of ppl. Who in that group was your friend ??

What I mean is, if they was this blatant, some of your suppose friends knew. AND these are friends you can do without.

I'm sorry you are here, but you are doing well, so just work on you.


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## MysteryMan1 (Nov 4, 2012)

Let her go man, you don't need her.


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

"4) I asked the guy about the specific night that she left my house at 3am and he said "It's funny that you mentioned that night, because I remember specifically she said that she picked a fight with you on purpose so she could have a reason to come see me. As a matter of fact, we basically met up and had sex every time she said she felt "neglected," so however many times you can remember her saying that, that's how many times we had sex."

"and I'm a nuclear bomb in a coke bottle about to detonate."

Classic.

Let the nuclear bomb coke bottle blow bro. Time to go scorched earth.

Expose her to everyone and divorce the bi$&h.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Normally I hate it when people just say "divorce". In this situation, given you already cheated on her way in the past, and now this, I don't see how this could be salvaged unless she got humble and had a sit down with you right after. Instead, she says "thanks for ruining NYE to the other dude" and has stormed off like a child.

Since you've only been married a few months, you can likely just go through an annulment which should be much cleaner and cheaper than a divorce, right?

You might want some closure though. Maybe ask her to have coffee at a public place so you can cordially plan how to end the relationship, and maybe get some questions answered.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Normally I hate it when people just say "divorce". In this situation, given you already cheated on her way in the past, and now this, I don't see how this could be salvaged unless she got humble and had a sit down with you right after. Instead, she says "thanks for ruining NYE to the other dude" and has stormed off like a child.
> 
> Since you've only been married a few months, you can likely just go through an annulment which should be much cleaner and cheaper than a divorce, right?
> 
> You might want some closure though. Maybe ask her to have coffee at a public place so you can cordially plan how to end the relationship, and maybe get some questions answered.


Nope.

You had it right the first time.

Drop her stuff off at her mom's. Change your number. Change the locks. Change the bank accounts.

Tell everyone how 'wonderful' this guy was (granted, you weren't married then) and tell them how faithful SHE was.

I strongly believe that people need to own the stuff they do. A reputation is what YOU make of it...and they both blackened their own names. Let them live with that.

I see no reason to discuss anything with her. No need to blow up or do something harmful.

I would STRONGLY suggest that you take your 'calm and non-jealous' self and rethink that. If you don't put up fences, you don't get to b*tch when the whorse runs off the farm.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

This marriage is over. She took revenge on your cheating and it was clearly done to get you back. She never forgave you for your cheating. Time to move on. Sorry to see you here.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Your mistake was when you told yourself you had been through so much with her you wanted to marry her. You had way to many fights, infedility, breaking up/getting back together in your time dating. That all should have been a red flag not to get married. When people say they have been through a lot with someone and they don't want to throw the relationship away it should mean that you have been through rough times and been each others support. Not that the rough time _was_ each other. 

You need to divorce her but I think you already know that. Just know the next person you meet, if you ever decide to marry again, the dating period and the initial period of marriage really should be stress free and blissful. If you are having these kinds of problems dating you aren't compatible long term. Her cheating just pushed it over the top but I don't think this would have lasted anyway. Sorry you are going through this. I've been through a divorce and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Run Forest Run


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## ballofemotion (Jan 4, 2013)

Thanks so much for your replies, and there is one thing that I could think of after typing this and sleeping on it.

As a kid, she claims that she was molested by her father at a young age (maybe pre-teen) and this continued through her early teens I think, but I don't have all of the details. She has never gone through therapy or had any resolution for this situation and to this day she hates her dad's guts, and thinks very little of him.

I'm totally not making a case for her, but I am being pragmatic and thinking through this whole ordeal to avoid getting violent, at least as much as I can. But, if there is ONE SINGLE thing that I can think of that could contribute to this borderline pathological behavior, this would be it. And if this does correlate, thorough long term individual and couples counseling, then starting from scratch, is the ONLY way I can even see myself eventually getting back with her. Eventually could mean a decade or more, or just a few years. It will take a while for me to get a real handle on this rage. 

I am constantly at a snapping point. Bruce Banner, snapping point. I have already destroyed half of my living room when I walked in and I saw her "wanting to talk". She promptly left, as I told her so, for both of our protections. 

IF WHAT SHE SAID IS TRUE about the molestation, this is the only nearly severed thread of empathy I have left for her, as she has said that she has only shared that with me. I think her mom and brother know of the situation, and it was the reason for her mom's divorce from him. But then again it could be a part of her wicked plan, I would have to go to her father Man to Man to get the real story. 

This is not a recent plee from her, but something she told me back in 2008 or 2009 I think.

Otherwise I hope she gets hit by a burning bus careening out of control at 200 miles per hour.


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## ballofemotion (Jan 4, 2013)

JCD said:


> I strongly believe that people need to own the stuff they do. A reputation is what YOU make of it...and they both blackened their own names. Let them live with that.
> 
> I see no reason to discuss anything with her. No need to blow up or do something harmful.
> 
> I would STRONGLY suggest that you take your 'calm and non-jealous' self and rethink that. If you don't put up fences, you don't get to b*tch when the whorse runs off the farm.


I agree, about owning what you do. Every thing inside me is pointing to exposing them in the most gracefuly humiliating way possible, maybe a facebook video, and a book to all the wedding guest, but first by calling her mom. I will check with my therapist before I take action. But the fall out will be EPIC. I guarantee. I will let y'all know. I might even take out some google adds and post the narrative on youtube. 


Maybe you are right about being mild manner. I'm not a door mat, but I am very kind. I should be an A hole more often, maybe I can start by giving this guy what he deserves.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

You both cheated in the relationship and it has been dead since when you first cheated. Can you remember why you cheated? Hold that thought and get your marriage annulled. Then get into IC, and hope that your ex-wife gets help too. 

And do yourselves a favour - stay away from relationships for a while.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Expose to family and friends today this is a no brainer.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

ballofemotion said:


> I agree, about owning what you do. Every thing inside me is pointing to exposing them in the most gracefuly humiliating way possible, maybe a facebook video, and a book to all the wedding guest, but first by calling her mom. I will check with my therapist before I take action. But the fall out will be EPIC. I guarantee. I will let y'all know. I might even take out some google adds and post the narrative on youtube.
> 
> 
> Maybe you are right about being mild manner. I'm not a door mat, but I am very kind. I should be an A hole more often, maybe I can start by giving this guy what he deserves.


dont do that, man.
doooont do that.
trust me i have been where you are and it isnt worth it. jail, felony assault, this dude wanting revenge and shooting you or something, nothing good will come of it. NOTHING.
the one redeeming thing about my situation is being in the position to really hurt (as in physically) the OM and NOT doing it.
you will always be able to look back and say you held yourself to higher standards and took the high road. which trust me may not seem like much to you at the moment but as time goes by it will be one of the best things you salvage from the whole fvcked up mess.
at least her OM had the nutz to tell you what was up face to face. most of us dont even get that.
and i agree with everyone, get your a$$ away from her as fast as humanly possible.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You cheated, and you stopped and the did the right thing. You worked hard to heal the relationship. Good Job.

Do not use that an excuse the forgive her actions, what she did is different. And nasty.

She new the pain of cheating, yet not only did she do it, she went actively setting it up. 

She also got off on having the guy around you. she was deliberately seeking to humiliate you by having him around and close. She got a thrill out of that. That's not just her cheating, that's hateful action toward you. That show's she doesn't love you, because you do not do that to someone you love. If someone you love hurts - you hurt. If someone you love is humiliated, you are humiliated. Not for her though. She actually appears to have enjoyed hurting and humiliating you. She enjoyed pushing you aside and going outside to have sex with him. She engineered the situation so she could inflict deliberate harm.

she was just a coward about telling you the truth.

and even now when it's exposed she has no remorse. none, while you are hurting. Is that love? I say no, that's hate at work.

She also played you not just in 2010, but all the way even till now. Her affair didn't end did it? I say this because even now she's still chasing the guy (recall he dumped her, not her dumping him). She's still in his face, and she is seeking to break him up with the cousin so she can have him.

You gotta wonder, after he dumped her, who did she go to next? What other behavior has she been showing? Think back to the weeks before the wedding. The week of the wedding and since you've gotten married.

There is a love here to save. There is a remorseless woman who has no empathy or care for you pain. she's throwing out the "I was abused" reason for why she can be so hateful and blatently dishonest.

she didn't just cheat, she set it up over and over and cheated right in front of you. She played you without guilt and actually enjoyed it.

I'd expose it wide an far, and I'd get an annulment ASAP. If you worry about her past abuse issues, then get her some therapy, but do divorce her. She's still actively in her mind seeking this guy to continue the relationship with. If he hadn't rejected her, she would have had sex with on NYE and she'd be setting up Valentines day for your next argument. You know this to be true.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Ball,

Your wife has basically spent the last three months of your SHORT marriage (and time before) cuckholding you by constantly having you around this guy.

You are not responsible AT ALL for her failure to deal with issues from her past. She needs to own that and either heal herself or continue to use it as an excuse for her sh!tty behavior. 

I would also have to agree that she can't be trusted and that 3 months is NOTHING compared to the rest of your life. Time to find a woman who will truly respect and love you. DIVORCE.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

ballofemotion said:


> I agree, about owning what you do. Every thing inside me is pointing to exposing them in the most gracefuly humiliating way possible, maybe a facebook video, and a book to all the wedding guest, but first by calling her mom. I will check with my therapist before I take action. But the fall out will be EPIC. I guarantee. I will let y'all know. I might even take out some google adds and post the narrative on youtube.
> 
> 
> Maybe you are right about being mild manner. I'm not a door mat, but I am very kind. I should be an A hole more often, maybe I can start by giving this guy what he deserves.


Expose with words.

I would suggest this. Write a short letter exposing her cheating, name the guy she cheated with, and send the letter to each of your wedding guests explaining why the marriage is ending. 

They were there as witness to the marriage, the right thing is to have them bear witness to the reason why it is now ending.

Make it short and very much to the point. You know like

I have found out that my new wife XXXX lied to me and was unfaithful with YYYY from at least the time of 2010 until now. While YYYY did end the relationship with her, she has continued to pursue her affair with him, and even as recently as NYE 2013 continued to pursue him. I cannot be in a marriage with someone who neither loves nor respects me. I cannot be in a marriage with someone who is seeking to unfaithful to me. So I have chosen to end this false marriage to XXXX.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You cheated, and you stopped and the did the right thing. You worked hard to heal the relationship. Good Job.
> 
> Do not use that an excuse the forgive her actions, what she did is different. And nasty.
> 
> ...



:iagree:

What you are waiting for man, expose this ***** to all the family and friends with all the details. She humiliated you in the worst way. she dont deserve empathy or anything other than an Annulment from you.


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## teedee (Jan 4, 2013)

I am not qualified in anyway, but I have been through a divorce myself due to an extra marital affair and have come out the other side.

I have found love, real love, and have learnt to trust again. But it has taken time.

You have both been unfaithful, but what strikes me is you told you wife and tried to move on and make things better because you wanted to, but you believe she only confirmed the story to make the OM jealous. Perhaps your wife did it as revenge so you would understand how it feels. Only you can know if she is actually into this person and wants to pursue the affair.

I know it is no help at this time. But you are in the best place, with great advice, that even now my divorce is long over and I am happy I always check in to see how others are doing.

Never been brave enough to post before.

Be honest with her, find out if New Years Eve was to shock you or the OM. If it is the OM then you must make a decision as to what happens next.

Good Luck


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Deep down, you must know that the marriage was a mistake, and maybe you thought you were doing the honourable thing after cheating yourself, years ago. The problem is: you both never dealt with that properly. 

You've been married 3 months. Yes, I know you've been together for longer - but how many of those were good years? 

You made a mistake by getting married. Get the marriage annulled, or protect yourself - quick divorce and move on.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Kasler said:


> Divorce





AlphaHalf said:


> There is nothing here to remotely salvage but your self respect and a prompt Divorce. You saw everything exposed at ground zero, that women has issues. Plenty of other women out there, that is of better quality then her.


100% agree. Why spend the rest of your life in hell?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'm so sorry man. You are the victim of a fraud. She's not close to be relationship matierial. Never will.
Run asap. 
I like Shaggy idea of exposure.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Frankly, the problem isn't with the OM. It's her. She stopped cheating on you before you got married because the OM stopped the relationship. Now she's got this weird jealous vibe with him still.

She is the pursuer. Sure, he was banging her while you guys were dating, but it stopped before you got married. He actually has been relatively honest with you about everything. Very rare an OM actually admits to all that stuff and stops the relationship.

Forget him. Your W was the bad one here. Deal with her. Once your anger subsides, sure, let her talk. But not until then. Better yet, tell her to send you an email with what she wants to say, or leave a voice message. If I was you, I would be curious as to what she has to say for herself. But given your temper at the moment, best not be in person.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Divorce. Nothing else to say...end it forever. Don't waste anymore time dealing with her...not worth it in any way.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Why do I get the feeling that this was pure revenge on her part.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

run now!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I really like Shaggys note to the wedding guests. You can also offer to return the gifts. They are meaningless now.

Also agree with Gabe re OM. He was forthcoming with the truth. He fell for her line of BS. What he told you rings true with me. She kept after him very agressively. Lied to him about the nature of her relationship to you. His blame is minimal.

If your next gf says she is living w a former bf for economic reasons but live as siblings you'll have an idea of how your broken wife hooked the OM.

She does need intensive and lengthy therapy. You have no responsibility there. Your "good guy" instincts will take over in a month or two and will bring out the "knight in shiny armor" in you. Resist that urge. Detach from her emotionally.

Do find out as Shaggy points out, who else knew of her betrayal. These people have no place in your future.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ballofemotion said:


> IF WHAT SHE SAID IS TRUE about the molestation, this is the only nearly severed thread of empathy I have left for her, as she has said that she has only shared that with me. I think her mom and brother know of the situation, and it was the reason for her mom's divorce from him. But then again it could be a part of her wicked plan, *I would have to go to her father Man to Man to get the real story. *
> 
> This is not a recent plee from her, but something she told me back in 2008 or 2009 I think.
> 
> Otherwise I hope she gets hit by a burning bus careening out of control at 200 miles per hour.


It will be useless to go to her father. Most abusers would never admit to what they did. You will most likely never know the truth about what she is saying.


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## teresa (Jan 4, 2013)

Just move on... too much drama, if you go back to her it will be just for her to trap you getting herself pregnant, seeing that this is kind of a telenovela. Just run for the hills, you have nothing to loose now and I can predict the future, I see a good girl coming along that will make you happy and she will be everything you've asked for!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Ballofemotion~

I need to point out something. I was beaten as a child by my mother, and I don't mean "spanked"--she took a broom handle or a rolling pin and would hit me with it until she got tired from hitting me. I was also raped right after high school. But you know what? As horrible as those things were, and although they did give me a "warped" view of what love was and what abuse was, I need to point out something extremely important: 

I am an adult now. I am responsible for my choices now. *Having those things happen to me in the past in no way justifies bad behavior or poor choices on my part now (in the present). * Those things are in the past, and if I know that they harmed me and taught me poorly about love and abuse, then I have a responsibility as an adult, in the present, to get my back end to individual counseling and do the work to FACE my past! In addition I am responsible to learn what real love looks like, to learn what abuse looks like (so I can identify it), to learn healthier responses, and to learn how to act in a way that is moral and taking personal responsibility for what I choose to do now. 

I'm sorry that she had to endure molestation as a child. Seriously that can really mess with your mind. But she is not a child anymore nor is she at home or under his abuser's control. Now she is an adult and SHE is responsible for her own self. It's a pet peeve of mine when people do what they know is wrong, or make horrible choices, and then use their past abuse as a justification...as if they are ongoing victims and they can't help it. 

:bsflag:

She has the choice EVERY DAY to make an appointment, go to individual counseling, and face her demons. And every day she CHOOSES to not address it. So it's not her molestation that is victimizing her now. It is her choice to AVOID IT. She is choosing to forego counseling so she can continue living in a promiscuous life and "blame" the molestation. Is her view of love and sex and the violence and shame all mixed up? Oh yes! I have no doubt! But every day she chooses, as an adult, to turn away and not deal with it!! 

So do not EVER make the mistake of thinking that "because she was molested, she can't help herself." That is baloney.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> *Having those things happen to me in the past in no way justifies bad behavior or poor choices on my part now (in the present).*


bravo, AC. 


although there is a case to be made concerning FOO issues, i'm just sick of people blaming their past for their abhorrent behavior today. 

many of us, including myself, have fallen victim to some form of abuse or trauma that will stay with us FOREVER. but i refuse to blame the loss of common sense and reason to sh1t that happened to me in the past. 


OWN YOUR SH1T PEOPLE!!!


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## ballofemotion (Jan 4, 2013)

Thanks again for all of your replies, this means a lot.

I really makes me feel good to know that in this crazy world that we live in, when the people closest to you betray you, there are angels in the form of strangers like y'all that can help. I pretty much can't see anything but divorce at this point, I just needed confirmation that I was thinking logically in all of my blind rage. She hurt me to the core. Like "scarred for life" type of pain. This is the most emotionally unstable I have ever been in my life. I gave her my complete being and love, and she cut my heart open and sh!tted (shat?) in it. I'm so infuriating I have not even begin to grieve or cry, and I tried too. 

I am trying to get to a point where I get my rage under control, and then I will start to deal with all of the other details. this is the messiest part of my life right now, but not the only. My therapist said that it sounds like I need a release from all of the other things compounding my life already. I'm just going to focus on my remaining sanity for now. Thanks all! I hope y'all had a better start to the year than I did.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

It's a sad sort of irony, isn't it? That complete and anonymous strangers are more willing to help you than the person who swore an oath to do the same.

It's a new year. Hell, if you want to be comical about it, we've survived an apocalypse, too. I won't tell you to "let go" of your anger, as that's quite a feat for someone whos wounds are as raw as yours.

Try and release that in a healthy way. It's generally suggested that you head to the gym and work out your anger. Do it. Sign up for a gym membership. Lift some heavy weights and hit a bag or two after work. Clear your head for a bit. 

Once you release some of that poison, go home and make some constructive decisions. It doesn't have to be about your wife. Move furniture around. Pick up a new hobby. Tune your bike or car. Fix that creaky door. Buy that new laptop you've been meaning to.

Deal with your spouses' shenanigans as they transpire. But she's an afterthought: your focus should be you. So focus on yourself.

Happy new year.


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## ballofemotion (Jan 4, 2013)

Cedarman said:


> Can you remember why you cheated? Hold that thought and get your marriage annulled. Then get into IC, and hope that your ex-wife gets help too.
> 
> And do yourselves a favour - stay away from relationships for a while.


This might sound far fetched and retarded but it's true: I cheated because I was horny and away from home for work. During the time I was abstaining from masturbating (tmi, I'm sorry) so that I could really give it to her good when she finally came to see me. Boy did that abstaining part back fire. I unloaded all of that sexual energy on a random hot chick, and felt a little more horrible after each orgasm. I finally stopped the encounters due to guilt build up. My fling had nothing really to do with emotions and stuff. Just hot and wet sex...that was exciting at first, then made me feel terrible inside. It was good, but felt wrong. The ill feeling completely overpowered the good feelings eventually and I could not stomach it. That is not the life for me, and I knew it then. 

I have since developed stronger will, the same will that prevented me from making both of them cold cases that night. The same will that prevented me from choking her when I walked in and she was on the couch. The same will that helped me pass on sex advances with girls that every guy I know fantasizes about...no joke...on several occasions.

On night during the 2 week time we were apart (after she stormed out of the house at 3 am) I was hit on several times, basically an open invitation by this super hot chick all of my friends knew, but she was notoriously kinky but selective. She came on to me hard, and I politely deflected her while thinking of my girlfriend...who turned out to be f-ing a guy who I thought I was cool with.

I wish I could go back in chronological order and take that offer, the go further back and undo all of this, especially my fling. Then fast forward back to my wedding and live happily ever after.

This whole situation reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally sucks, and wish this on nobody.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Get your emotions under control and expose her to every friend and family.

In the mean time do your best to take care of yourself. Eat, sleep, exercise well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ballofemotion (Jan 4, 2013)

Thanks so much everyone! I really appreciate the encouragement. I wish I could send y'all some wine or something.



Jibril said:


> It's a sad sort of irony, isn't it? That complete and anonymous strangers are more willing to help you than the person who swore an oath to do the same....
> 
> Deal with your spouses' shenanigans as they transpire. But she's an afterthought: your focus should be you. So focus on yourself.
> 
> Happy new year.


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## ballofemotion (Jan 4, 2013)

teedee said:


> Only you can know if she is actually into this person and wants to pursue the affair.
> 
> Good Luck


I can't say if she is actively pursuing the affair or not, but after witnessing the anger between the both of them, and HIS admission of prior feelings present, and the length of time of the affair, I can definitely surmise that the emotions run very deep. Deep enough for her to still try and tuant this dude into an argument the same way she used to do me, AS a NEWLY WED, at a FRIGGIN NYE party after we just did our ceremonial "kiss at midnight". WTF!!!!!!!!!!! In front of our whole core of friends!!!!! 
ewrwrleknerlkngrwkejnkgwrn dlsfzkns;lkgpdogjkl;dkjf

He went for the bate, henceforth the altercation and admission. Whenever she tried to pick a fight with me, 8 times out of 10 she was huffing and puffing and throwing tantrums on her own. I usually, and still try not to engage in meaningless arguments partly because its a waste of time and partly because I know I have issues with rage. Once I get mad, it never goes well...so I never get mad, and try my best not to get physical.

My father told me when I was very young that "with the type of temper I had, I would either end up dead or in jail unless I learn how to control it". Now I'm so glad that I have been working on managing it from a very young age. But I am at the brink of a meltdown, and I have sought out counseling. This was my first session ever and the therapist was even impressed that I showed so much self control, and was very hopeful and encouraging.


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## ballofemotion (Jan 4, 2013)

Oh my God...the rage crossfades with the pain...indescribable. My mind is in a constant state of recalibration. Like a Nintendo that constantly resets itself when you turn it on, or a computer that auto restarts seemingly infinitely. 

Waking up and reaching over to rub her back and realizing there is no one there. Then immediately realizing all over again exactly why know one is there. It's already hard to digest and its like a cruel groundhog day. As I awake love is the first action, pain is the first meal for breakfast every morning, hurt is the first emotion, anger is the first reaction. I feel so sorry for anyone who is going through this type of pain and I wish y'all the best, from the bottom of my shattered heart.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Rearrange your furniture. Change your current reality. Move into a different bedroom if that is possible. Waking on the couch instead of the marital bed might be enough of a mental reset so that you are divorced from your current circumstances in your head.


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## ballofemotion (Jan 4, 2013)

JCD said:


> Rearrange your furniture. Change your current reality. Move into a different bedroom if that is possible. Waking on the couch instead of the marital bed might be enough of a mental reset so that you are divorced from your current circumstances in your head.


Thanks so much...its rough already, and not the thousands of little things...overwhelming to say the least.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

One thing you have to stick firmly in your head - You cheating was your choice, and when you chose to stop you made a good choice.


Like you she chose to cheat. The difference is she did not and has not chose to stop. She didn't choose to stop, he dumped her because the game she was playing on you showed that she was a horrible person. He recognized that in her, and dumped her because he didn't want a relationship with her because of her personality and her values. He saw that she was remorseless, and cruel to you. So he dumped her so he could pursue finding women worthy of being with.

Now you're at the same spot. Do you dump her now that you have seen the cruelty in her. It's there and it's deep and calculating. It's cold and selfish and doesn't respect or love you.

I can't help but think that she very likely replaced him when he dumped her. I think you need to look hard because there is very very likely another OM out there, at least one other, and she may still be seeing him.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

What is she doing now? Is she throwing some tantrums at you to provoke or manipulate you?

Keep a mile away from her till you finalize your Divorce.


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## ballofemotion (Jan 4, 2013)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> What is she doing now? Is she throwing some tantrums at you to provoke or manipulate you?
> 
> Keep a mile away from her till you finalize your Divorce.


She has tried to come by, but I flipped out and destroyed lots off furniture and told her to leave. She quickly left after I flipped over a table and got in her face. I screamed at her to look me in the eyes, and get the F--- out of my house.

They say that the eyes are the window to the soul. I wanted her to see my rage and realize that she was in grave danger She still is, but I truly and ginuinely am working through this. I expressed my rage to my therapist and he said if I do communicate with her it should be talk or text. I had already blocked her calls before my therapist even mentioned this, as I can't hear from her. The thought of being in her presence make me tremble with this inexplicably dark emotion. I'm trembling right now as I type. Has anyone ever seen the tv show Dexter? This must be the way he feels when he sees blood spatter...I'm so serious and it saddens and frightens me. She has no Idea of what I'm capable of, and I don't want to find out either.

I'm going to try to completely shift gears and go to a football game and get out of the house. I started packing her clothes, as I thought that might get things started. I can't be around her our see her until I get control...I am very unstable at this time, and I would hate for the rage to boil over. I occasionally break something for quick releases, and I plan to go work out on my punching bag. I plan to get back into MMA as well, like this week.


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## ballofemotion (Jan 4, 2013)

I dont know where she is and I dont want to know. I think it's best that way. For safety reasons at least. I can imagine if I had woke up this morenig witht the same loving gesture of reaching over to rub her back and then realizing what she had done all over again. Its the makings for an episode of Snapped, i promise...


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

ballofemotion said:


> I dont know where she is and I dont want to know. I think it's best that way. For safety reasons at least. I can imagine if I had woke up this morenig witht the same loving gesture of reaching over to rub her back and then realizing what she had done all over again. Its the makings for an episode of Snapped, i promise...


Except that "Snapped" is about female killers.

Seriously, from the sound of things, you could end up in jail for a very long time, maybe the rest of your life, if you don't get yourself under control.

Until you are confident that you can control your anger, you should make sure that you are never alone with your WW. Send her a text, apologize for losing your temper and say, "For now, I think it best if you and I not see each other or only do so in public or if someone else is around." Also, continue with your IC, tell your counselor what happened and ask for his advice.

And forget about reconciling with your WW. Even if she wanted to, given the strong emotions infidelity causes and your seeming potential for violence, it is hard to see it working out and easy to imagine your doing something that ruins both your lives.

Don't take any chances.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

ballofemotion said:


> My father told me when I was very young that "with the type of temper I had, I would either end up dead or in jail unless I learn how to control it". Now I'm so glad that I have been working on managing it from a very young age. But I am at the brink of a meltdown, and I have sought out counseling. This was my first session ever and the therapist was even impressed that I showed so much self control, and was very hopeful and encouraging.


Mine too. And yes you are better off controlling it and yes at times like this it is extremely difficult. 
I like your hitting the bag idea. That really helps, trust me. 
You know what i did?
I took a bat, and this old table i was going to fix up for my wife and went to my barn. 
Then, i played "break stuff" by limp bizkit, and when it launches into "gimme somethin to break", i proceeded to make toothpicks outta that table. Literally. Better than takin that out on the OM or my wife, i reckon. 
Yes, much better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You cheated on her for your own selfish reasons, she cheated on you for her own selfish reasons (even - well sort of). OM told you the details for his own selfish reasons, but in an odd unintended sort of way he did you a favor. You got all this done in one massive dose of reality, where it took me 5 years to get to that point.

Denial, Anger, Depression are all stages of grief that you have going through. These are all very normal and will continue until the legal aspects can be resolved. Don't linger in this area, pull the trigger and put this relationship out of its misery. In time you will move on to acceptance and hopefully learn from this experience. The good news is that this experience does not have to be repeated and you can have a fulfilling life with a much more deserving partner. Best of luck to you.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Seriously I know that you have a right to your feelings but if anything accidentally happens to her you are going to be suspect number one and you are basically telling us over and over in a public forum that you want to kill her. Maybe save those comments for counseling and offline. For your own protection. 
Also if she somehow finds this she can use it against you and say you are abusive. 

My father molested me too and I can't imagine cheating on a spouse. what she did was so cold blooded, it's almost pathological. As in sociopath. She sounds like she has serious mental problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## itom72 (Apr 12, 2012)

BOE, I second what others are writing here. As someone who has a volcanic temper himself, and who therefore has to work hard sometimes to not fly off the handle, you've got to ratchet things down - WAY down.

Going into full meltdown mode in front of her was not smart. She can use your outbursts against you.

From now on, when it comes to emotional displays, you have to be pure ice. This is poker and it's your future on the line. She's a reptile, as cold-blooded as can be; show her you can be the same.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think she might be a sociopath. Be careful. They are very good at manipulation. The abuse story might be exaggerated or even entirely false. And how is that an excuse anyway ?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

I was married to a woman who was molested by her father for years. Her elder sister was too, but she turned out alright whereas my wife turned out to be a monster. The difference was that the elder sister confronted the father with a threat to call the sheriff and stopped the abuse whereas the little sister didn't. So the elder sister learned to deal above-board and honestly with everyone whereas the little sister became an expert in covert war. Like bringing home black guys and screwing them in her bedroom, making enough noise for dad to hear because he was prejudiced against blacks. 

Wanting to show someone your violent rage is backwards. You are showing them how much power they exert over you. If you have the capability of smiling and saying "I know you want me to be angry but it isn't working..." THAT is victory over them. Her power lies in the ability to work over your emotions of jelousy, sadness, despair, anger - and that's what the 180 is all about. Becoming indifferent to them. It is for self- healing, not for manipulating them. But it is certainly true that removing this power over you is what breaks wayward spouses of their cake-eating arrogance.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Use the rage to make sure you don't go back. Use it to go out for recommendations for a great attorney. Use it to tap into your accounts to make sure you're financed properly.

Use it to close accounts, change locks, packing her crap and finding EVERY SINGLE DOCUMENT you need. (Tax returns, paychecks, receipt, phone records, etc)

Hitting and breaking stuff YOU need? Not so much. Try running. It works well for me.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

ballofemotion said:


> She has tried to come by, but I flipped out and destroyed lots off furniture and told her to leave. She quickly left after I flipped over a table and got in her face. I screamed at her to look me in the eyes, and get the F--- out of my house.
> 
> They say that the eyes are the window to the soul. I wanted her to see my rage and realize that she was in grave danger


Holy crap dude.

You're ready to explode. 

Yet you cheated on her, and she forgave you for it. Was she full of rage? Did she destroy household objects?

I'm not saying that anger isn't justified but to the extent that you're expressing it and given that you're guilty of the exact same behavior.. what's good for the goose is good for the gander you know..

You've got some serious anger management issues and they've gotta be addressed as in right NOW.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

sharkeey said:


> Yet you cheated on her, and she forgave you for it..


I don't think she every forgave him,but she sure as hell got even!!!!


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## Subi (Apr 4, 2012)

ballofemotion said:


> Oh my God...the rage crossfades with the pain...indescribable. My mind is in a constant state of recalibration. Like a Nintendo that constantly resets itself when you turn it on, or a computer that auto restarts seemingly infinitely.
> 
> Waking up and reaching over to rub her back and realizing there is no one there. Then immediately realizing all over again exactly why know one is there. It's already hard to digest and its like a cruel groundhog day. As I awake love is the first action, pain is the first meal for breakfast every morning, hurt is the first emotion, anger is the first reaction. I feel so sorry for anyone who is going through this type of pain and I wish y'all the best, from the bottom of my shattered heart.


Awwwwwwww... I would love that. Ballsofemotion you can wake up and rub my back anytime. What a waste of space .some women are. They never know what they have got till they lose it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

ballofemotion said:


> She has tried to come by, but I flipped out and destroyed lots off furniture and told her to leave. She quickly left after I flipped over a table and got in her face. I screamed at her to look me in the eyes, and get the F--- out of my house.
> 
> They say that the eyes are the window to the soul. I wanted her to see my rage and realize that she was in grave danger She still is, but I truly and ginuinely am working through this. I expressed my rage to my therapist and he said if I do communicate with her it should be talk or text. I had already blocked her calls before my therapist even mentioned this, as I can't hear from her. The thought of being in her presence make me tremble with this inexplicably dark emotion. I'm trembling right now as I type. Has anyone ever seen the tv show Dexter? This must be the way he feels when he sees blood spatter...I'm so serious and it saddens and frightens me. She has no Idea of what I'm capable of, and I don't want to find out either.
> 
> I'm going to try to completely shift gears and go to a football game and get out of the house. I started packing her clothes, as I thought that might get things started. I can't be around her our see her until I get control...I am very unstable at this time, and I would hate for the rage to boil over. I occasionally break something for quick releases, and I plan to go work out on my punching bag. I plan to get back into MMA as well, like this week.


YOU HYPOCRITE!! How long was your affair when your wife found out? Six months into it was not exactly stellar behavior on your part. All of this pent up rage and anger at your wife. If you would have remained faithful from the start, I could have a lot of sympathy for you. However, the more you type the less sympathetic you become. Take a good, long and hard look in the mirror before you clothe yourself in this moral outrage. You royally screwed up. She royally screwed up, with the probability of her cheating being a revenge affair over what you did. Your wife did a terrible thing. However, can you honestly say that she would have still cheated if it wasn't for your first affair? How long did your affair last anyways? 

You have a choice to make. You need to calmly sit your wife down and come to a decision. Since you BOTH ROYALLY FVCKED UP, you either both work on getting past the cheating or you divorce. There is no other middle ground. You two are morally equivalent as far as I'm concerned. Stop acting like you are an innocent bystander in all of this.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Stop breaking things and yelling.

Want to shake her. Be cold and very calm.

Dexter like.


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## ballofemotion (Jan 4, 2013)

sharkeey said:


> Holy crap dude.
> 
> You're ready to explode.
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BOM,

See how you feel about what your wife did?

That's how your wife feels about what you did when you cheated. But she could not beat you to a pulp... so she had a revenge affair that expressed the same level of anger.

A pretty high percentage of betrayed people go on to have revenge affair. It’s the only way they can deal with what their partner did to them.

This does not excuse her affair. But it does explain some things.


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## ballofemotion (Jan 4, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> YOU HYPOCRITE!! If you would have remained faithful from the start, I could have a lot of sympathy for you. Maybe So
> 
> However, the more you type the less sympathetic you become. Take a good, long and hard look in the mirror before you clothe yourself in this moral outrage.
> The moral effort was sincere, so the outrage is sincere. It is who I am, not a "clothed" facade. I'm not saying that my act of cheating is better than hers, or I'm better than her for cheating "a little bit". I'm saying that I breached her trust and told her. She received my mistake and breached my trust and someone else told me. After all, I humbled myself, and we tried to reset the trust button and she agreed to do the same but did not reciprocate. Not only that, the methodical way it was executed seems like it was meant to be hurtful. The hurt I caused was collateral damage, not the main target.
> ...


And today was a great day, the first day I felt slightly refreshed after an outing with friends. I'm not a very religious person, but I often thank God for my life, well being and that of others. My friend was encouraging about what we go through in life, and about God building us to be resilient as long as we are sensitive to the cues given to us. I'm looking at this situation and I know it's a test, I just don't know what is being tested. That unknown also frightens me supremely.


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## ballofemotion (Jan 4, 2013)

Thanks for breaking this down for me. That's why I am on this forum for better understanding. Thank you all!

I think that this is was Plan 9 meant to illustrate as I am re-reading the post/



EleGirl said:


> BOM,
> 
> See how you feel about what your wife did?
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ballofemotion said:


> Thanks for breaking this down for me. That's why I am on this forum for better understanding. Thank you all!


When I discovered my husband's affairs I struggled with the strong desire to cheat. Internally, in my head, the purpose of the cheating would have been to extract the level of pain on him that he had given me.

If I had cheated it would have been brutal. There was a part of me that wanted to hurt him so bad. That part also felt that the only way I could feel whole again was to hurt him that bad. And there was an element of leveling the playing field. It felt like he had gained a power in our relationship that left me powerless. And I needed to regain my power. I’m not saying any of this is rational… our minds go to crazy places sometimes.

I told him on a few occasions of these feelings I was having. His response was that if I had an affair it would be terrible, too much, and he would not stay with me. Boy did that piss me off. He could have multiple affairs but he would not tolerate me having one?????

I had plenty of opportunity to cheat. It would have been easy. I fought the thoughts and desire to do this. It was a hard fight.

Intellectually I knew that if I cheated I would hurt myself at least as much as I hurt him. That’s why I did not do it… for myself, not for him.

Perhaps your wife's affair was the way it was because she was, in her own mind, driving the dagger into you deeper and harder than you did into her... out of the same kind of craziness that was going through my mind.

I don't know. I'm only writing what my intuition it putting through my mind.

The hard question now is can you ever trust someone who wanted that much revenge on you?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sounds like you have a damb good friend there!

Whats being tested is your resolve to lose that anger. I know I have been there. 

Having spend sometime slapping my oldlady around I found that I was better then what I had become. As my chick continued to sleep around I made the choice to change and stop the fighting, road rage, and wife beating ...not for her but for my self.

My point is stop letting this sh1t define you and start to become become a better person ...that and it will save you a ton of dough in drywall and spakel.

There is no such thing as the unknown when you have the simple goal of working on your self as an individual and then in time you can work on another relationship or even a healthier marriage, but make no mistake here....your chick has some serious issues that have nothing to do with you.


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## ballofemotion (Jan 4, 2013)

Based on this logic would you even consider anything other than divorce? Honest opinion based on what you have read so far???



EleGirl said:


> BOM,
> 
> See how you feel about what your wife did?
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ballofemotion said:


> Based on this logic would you even consider anything other than divorce? Honest opinion based on what you have read so far???


Yea.. I did I chose to reconcile. 

It’s something that you have to do one day at a time until you feel safe. In your case you both cheated. You both have to prove to the other every day that you can be trusted. It does not matter that yours was a long time ago, or that you told her, or was less devious than hers. You did it once; you are capable of doing it again. She’s capable of doing it again. You both would have to work to affair proof your marriage. How do you do that?

Read the book “Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley, then read “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. She would have to read them as well and the two of you would need to do the things the books tell you to do. There is more material by this author. 

The easy route is to divorce. It takes a huge commitment in each other to try to reconcile after what the two of you have done.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I suggest divorce. She has not forgiven your infidelity and is using that as a free pass to be a "dirty harlot" alongside the "dirty man harlot" (great phrase, btw). It does look like she's using you. Forgiving her won't help. Kick her to the curb and if she comes back to you a changed person, you can consider your options, then.

You screwed up, but you tried to fix it. I'm assuming you've been faithful since. Some people just never get over the initial breach or trust. You deserve better than this treatment, you know.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I dont know why a part of me thinks this wasn't just a revenge affair but I'm afraid she's using the word "revenge" to justify her affair. 
She cheated because she was in the mood for that not just because she wanted to make it even. Sounds like feelings were involved too. Being in a 8+ month affair is not just a revenge for a woman. It feels more than that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> I dont know why a part of me thinks this wasn't just a revenge affair but I'm afraid she's using the word "revenge" to justify her affair.
> She cheated because she was in the mood for that not just because she wanted to make it even. Sounds like feelings were involved too. Being in a 8+ month affair is not just a revenge for a woman. It feels more than that.


The OP's wife, to our knowledge, did not use the word "revenge". We who are responding to him are using that word. Generally an affair by the person who was originally cheated on is called a "revenge" affair. 

Revenge affairs, like any other affair, very often involve feelings. They are often not just one or two rolls in the hay. People get caught up in them.

No one knows if she would have had her affair if he had not cheated on her. But the original affair would make a follow on affair by the BS a lot easier to have.


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## ballofemotion (Jan 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> The hard question now is can you ever trust someone who wanted that much revenge on you?


Obviously I am a very trusting person, and having the courage to trust is built into my character. I don't mean complete blind trust, but I feel that I'm more trusting than the average joe. That same thing has allowed me to take risks in telling the truth where it could have destroyed my career (I have made a grave mistakes and I owned up to it), my relationship (my cheating admission), and other parts of my life (making deals with people and not being able to fulfill them, and communicating the issue when it arises). I literally try my best to be honest about mistakes throughout life, which can be very hard. I truly feel that this helps me grow as a person and simultaneously helps bond people together. Regardless of how truth hurts. That is why I would not even be on this forum if it were HER that came clean directly to me. I would have felt even closer to her. Hypothetically If she would have decided to leave me to pursue this guy after SHE admitted an affair directly to me (and was accountable and mature) I would respect her for being honest and truthful about her feelings. I would be hurt, but I would want her to be happy, and I would request a swift divorce to set her free.

So the answer to this question is a no brainer: yes. I would lay my trust down on the line again, but incrementally in small connecting pieces like legos, to build a bridge back to the complete heart and soul that I bared throughout our relationship. I am who I am, and she knows this, but I will not be disrespected, and I don't have a problem divorcing her if that is what I finally decide. 

If she can give me unconditional trust, I can see it working eventually. If not, we're done. In reality all I want from her is Unconditional Love, unconditional trust(worthiness), and the best sex our planet has to offer. I have to wait and actually talk to her before I make a decision. 

I feel that I finally can see the light at the end of the tunnel of anger. I feel like some progress was made today. I'm still enraged, but not nearly as much as this morning, which was only slightly less than yesterday.

I still think we need to separate because I want to continue therapy alone and work on some of my billion projects I had going on before this situation. Besides, I need to see how she reacts to the very likely and real possibility of our marriage ending. I will try the 180 and see if that clues me in to her true feelings at this point.

I also will say this, about 1 or 2 weeks before this all happend, I noticed her constantly reading the book "The Languages of Love" and we even discussed some of the concepts in the book. Any thoughts about that juxtaposed with the "you ruined our NYE" remarks?


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## skb (Dec 1, 2012)

Too bad you weren't able to prove she was purposely picking fights just to get out of the house at an earlier point in time. So now you know, it's a very often used ploy for women to get out of the house for an unlimited time. For me it was a last resort I used when I was desperate to get out. I agree with most here, a quick divorce is your best option.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

ballofemotion said:


> I also will say this, about 1 or 2 weeks before this all happend, I noticed her constantly reading the book "The Languages of Love" and we even discussed some of the concepts in the book. Any thoughts about that juxtaposed with the "you ruined our NYE" remarks?


People tend to read books like that when they feel their relationship is not going as well as it should. It might imply she was not entirely happy with your relationship.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> People tend to read books like that when they feel their relationship is not going as well as it should. It might imply she was not entirely happy with your relationship.


It might imply she is trying to improve the relationship...but with who?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I almost prefer the rage to this new guy who is talking about absolute trust. I am not in favor of D but you are talking about a woman so emotionally disconnected that a spoiled party is annoying her.

Your hopes for the future are premature to say the least.


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## ballofemotion (Jan 4, 2013)

Actually the guy told me that she mentioned to him on occasion she picked fight to come see him. YEah that one stung when I heard it. I thought back to all the frustration I had when I was trying my best, and she would pick a fight out of thin air for something I thought trivial.

Also, I want to say that this stuff is bad, it truly is, but we have had some equally good experiences throughout our relationship. This fact is one of the things that makes the situation so complex. Trying to figure out at what points the positives were actually genuine. If what much of your advice and the details suggest is true, then this is the most beautiful lie i have ever lived. I wish y'all could have experienced some of the purely blissful things we did. This realization cuts even more deeply. I would never wish this pain on anyone. I have not felt this bad since the death of my father in 2010, during the same 8 months she was carrying on this affair.She actually helped me clean my Dads blood off of the floor in the place where he was murdered, and this act is one of the things that reinforced my complete trust in her. There were 2 people there that day, my best man and her. The place was a total sh!t hole!!! Rotten food that had been sitting there for 2 weeks, the putrid smell of dead flesh and old fermented garbage. The weight of what happened only 7 days prior, and these were the two people with me at the absolute lowest point in my life...Oh my God...no words... See what I mean about beautiful lie? An act of compassion like that...it's so hard even conceive much less to swallow that it was not genuine. Maybe it seemed so because Dad's death is such an emotional event, and having her in my life was one of the things that helped me cope. She was there...from the moment I pulled up to the crime scene. I relive this ordeal often, and often she is there with open arms of sympathy. Again, I wish this type of pain on no one...

Now I truly understand the quote "Betrayal is worse than death..." Oh my God...the pain is so unbelievable... 



skb said:


> Too bad you weren't able to prove she was purposely picking fights just to get out of the house at an earlier point in time. So now you know, it's a very often used ploy for women to get out of the house for an unlimited time. For me it was a last resort I used when I was desperate to get out. I agree with most here, a quick divorce is your best option.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ballofemotion said:


> .... Any thoughts about that juxtaposed with the "you ruined our NYE" remarks?


Yea... she was angry at him for telling you about the affair. It ruined the night of partying. IT was definately a moment of extreme stress... you just found out about her cheating. I would not necessarily expect anything rational to come out her mouth at such a time.

Up to that point she thought she had gotten away with the affair. She obviously had no plans of telling you about it. Now she had to pay the pipper.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

ballofemotion said:


> Actually the guy told me that she mentioned to him on occasion she picked fight to come see him. YEah that one stung when I heard it. I thought back to all the frustration I had when I was trying my best, and she would pick a fight out of thin air for something I thought trivial.
> 
> Also, I want to say that this stuff is bad, it truly is, but we have had some equally good experiences throughout our relationship. This fact is one of the things that makes the situation so complex. Trying to figure out at what points the positives were actually genuine. If what much of your advice and the details suggest is true, then this is the most beautiful lie i have ever lived. I wish y'all could have experienced some of the purely blissful things we did. This realization cuts even more deeply. I would never wish this pain on anyone. I have not felt this bad since the death of my father in 2010, during the same 8 months she was carrying on this affair.She actually helped me clean my Dads blood off of the floor in the place where he was murdered, and this act is one of the things that reinforced my complete trust in her. There were 2 people there that day, my best man and her. The place was a total sh!t hole!!! Rotten food that had been sitting there for 2 weeks, the putrid smell of dead flesh and old fermented garbage. The weight of what happened only 7 days prior, and these were the two people with me at the absolute lowest point in my life...Oh my God...no words... See what I mean about beautiful lie? An act of compassion like that...it's so hard even conceive much less to swallow that it was not genuine. Maybe it seemed so because Dad's death is such an emotional event, and having her in my life was one of the things that helped me cope. She was there...from the moment I pulled up to the crime scene. I relive this ordeal often, and often she is there with open arms of sympathy. Again, I wish this type of pain on no one...
> 
> Now I truly understand the quote "Betrayal is worse than death..." Oh my God...the pain is so unbelievable...


Try not to go back and ruin that trust you felt. Maybe this woman and this friend were put in your life JUST to get you through that one moment. Don't rob yourself of that memory. If everything else is just a throw away, they WERE there for you, right then, and maybe that's all you were supposed to get from these folks. 

Good luck - let us know once you've calmed down and are able to listen to whatever it is she has to say. I don't think she's had ample opportunity to apologize or ask for forgivenss. She's probably scared to death of you, given your violent tantrums, and therefore, has stopped trying?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ballofemotion said:


> Actually the guy told me that she mentioned to him on occasion she picked fight to come see him. YEah that one stung when I heard it. I thought back to all the frustration I had when I was trying my best, and she would pick a fight out of thin air for something I thought trivial.
> 
> Also, I want to say that this stuff is bad, it truly is, but we have had some equally good experiences throughout our relationship. This fact is one of the things that makes the situation so complex. Trying to figure out at what points the positives were actually genuine. If what much of your advice and the details suggest is true, then this is the most beautiful lie i have ever lived. I wish y'all could have experienced some of the purely blissful things we did. This realization cuts even more deeply. I would never wish this pain on anyone. I have not felt this bad since the death of my father in 2010, during the same 8 months she was carrying on this affair.She actually helped me clean my Dads blood off of the floor in the place where he was murdered, and this act is one of the things that reinforced my complete trust in her. There were 2 people there that day, my best man and her. The place was a total sh!t hole!!! Rotten food that had been sitting there for 2 weeks, the putrid smell of dead flesh and old fermented garbage. The weight of what happened only 7 days prior, and these were the two people with me at the absolute lowest point in my life...Oh my God...no words... See what I mean about beautiful lie? An act of compassion like that...it's so hard even conceive much less to swallow that it was not genuine. Maybe it seemed so because Dad's death is such an emotional event, and having her in my life was one of the things that helped me cope. She was there...from the moment I pulled up to the crime scene. I relive this ordeal often, and often she is there with open arms of sympathy. Again, I wish this type of pain on no one...
> 
> Now I truly understand the quote "Betrayal is worse than death..." Oh my God...the pain is so unbelievable...


Many people who cheat compartmentalize. It’s like they become two people. She might have been very sincere with her support of you after your father’s death. 

Then she'd go off and be that other part of herself.

People are complex.. often in not so good a way.


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## ballofemotion (Jan 4, 2013)

I slightly disagree. Maybe the thoughts of taking action are premature, yes...but I'm not really "hoping" for anything but to recover from this. That is my absolute 1rst priority. It had been since I got the news, and it is what my therapist and I discussed.

I am just running through scenarios, the good bad and ugly. I'm not making excuses. I'm just thinking through things like I always do, and the possible consequences. Trying to sort out my feelings and control the swells of rage that come through...an finally start to allow some of the swells of grief. I want to get back to clarity as soon as possible. I wish they had an App for that. This is totally messed up. I actually still am leaning towards a divorce (I know, premature to say that...I have not filed anything yet nor have I made plans to get her back in my life anytime soon) and I can't wait to see my therapist. Man oh man this sucks. 

Like I said, the trust thing is who I am. The trust with her has been broken beyond repair. I cannot see it ever getting back to the level it was. I am optimistic but this optimism is about my resilience, not our relationship per se. I'm optimistic about trusting again. I will not let this situation ruin my mind or my life as it has ruined my heart. 






JCD said:


> I almost prefer the rage to this new guy who is talking about absolute trust. I am not in favor of D but you are talking about a woman so emotionally disconnected that a spoiled party is annoying her.
> 
> Your hopes for the future are premature to say the least.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Look, your marriage has failed and there is absolutely nothing you can do at this point. It sucks, I know, been there done that, feels hard to breath, feels like there is an elephant sitting on your chest.

Nothing that you did made her cheat and even if she comes begging and you set the proper boundaries, those boundaries will eventually fade when you are in your older ages. So I advise you to go thorugh annulment or a quick divorce.

That being said... You mentioned that you loved her for how she had been there for you. And her other actions must have kept your " love bank" full. But what about hers? 

I think you should read "His needs,her needs" to understand what may have come at play here.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

BOE
Your posts are very rational and thoughtful. IMO the two 'wrongs' don't have anywhere near the same weight. Not that infidelity is a commodity that can be bartered. You cheated before your marriage, confessed before your marriage. 

From the train of thought in your posts I get the impression you would have accepted her decision to leave you at that time. She had the right and opportunity to do just that. But she didn't. 

She in all likelihood, and like EleGirl I would presume, considered many options at that time. For all you know she exacted her pound of flesh then. 

From her actions after your marriage I suspect she did more than just consider it. But you have no proof of that. And you were probably not looking for such signs. 

She let your cheating episode pass (not forgive evidently) and still proceeded with a marriage. She made the traditional vows I presume. Did she mean them at the time? If the opinions of other posters are valid, then no she didn't. She kept a trump card unknown to you. 

She did many noble things during your marriage. She was okay in many ways .... just not in the ways that count most.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Filing D and getting D are two different things. If you look at those who have sucess, they tend to put it on the line right away. Often people do the half way option and things never come to a head nor get resolved.

Lay everything out and you two will find out if you belong or not.


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## ballofemotion (Jan 4, 2013)

Gabriel said:


> Good luck - let us know once you've calmed down and are able to listen to whatever it is she has to say. I don't think she's had ample opportunity to apologize or ask for forgivenss. She's probably scared to death of you, given your violent tantrums, and therefore, has stopped trying?


She has not contacted me but the guy who hosted the party and was in the room that night (trying to keep everything peaceful) has been checking on me, as well as his wife (her best friend). I suspect that they are following up for her, to test the water on my emotional state. She probably is staying with them. I think that they are genuinely concerned as well, based on the sympathy expressed by both of them since that night. They, ironically, were both in the wedding as well. They asked me to church today, I declined. I can't...Not right now anyway. Eventually I will ask their opinions of the whole situation, as they are close to ground zero and have lots of perspective on what happend from both sides. We all know each other fairly well. They were with us on many of those occasions where my wife would be sneaky and try to get with dude. Now that is exposed, I am curious to get there take. In time...

Just not right now, I'm still on flip out alert level orange on the Going Postal Chart of America. The rage is subsiding day by day, do you all recommend anything to help me get back to clarity? I'm not really into drugs (legal or illegal) or alcohol. The gym helps a lot, but I'm realizing that this situation requires more effort than I have every put into controlling my rage than the sum of control in my whole life. I have even considered a quick trip to Colorado to have a mary jane toking weekend to take the edge off. I don't even know if that will help. I guess I'm becoming desperate for a release. 

Another weird thing...I cant even remember having a boner in the last few days since this has happend. Women are attractive to me, but in a different way. Kind of like the pleasure of conquering attractive. 

I caught myself looking at women as a predator ready to pounce and take advantage, but not for the thrill of sex, just satisfaction of the winning and conquering. I quickly checked that emotion and removed myself from the situation. I am trying to maintain the control over whatever darkness I am feeling. I maintain a heightened since of awareness about the way I feel as a survival mechanism, to prevent doing something stupid or releasing the rage on a innocent bystander or someone who does not deserve it. All of this is takes a tremendous amount of energy. 

And I have this sort of constant burning sensation throughout the muscles in my body, like my cells are angry too, or something.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Suggestion for what will help? Exercise, time and reflection.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Not into drugs but you want to go toking...okay.

If you'll bend that far, consider some anti-depressants.

She is testing the waters. Did these people countenance her flirting with this guy? I think this is a valid question. I get irritated by these 'side liners' who blithely sit back and watch the train wreck happen but are first on the scene with the blankets AFTER when a warning that the bridge was out might have stopped this whole tragedy.

Just like I believe cheaters should own what they did, you should also, in as kindly terms as you can muster, tell them the personal cost of their non-involvement. Maybe in the future they can muster some moral courage if it's warranted.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

ballofemotion said:


> ... I will ask their opinions of the whole situation, as they are close to ground zero and have lots of perspective on what happend from both sides. We all know each other fairly well.* They were with us on many of those occasions where my wife would be sneaky and try to get with dude.*...


You may want to find out who among your mutual acquaintances or friends knew or strongly suspected what your wife was up to. 

They didn't have a *duty* to inform you, and they may have counseled her, but I would want to know the strength of my friendship bonds with anyone that close to the situation.


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## ballofemotion (Jan 4, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> You may want to find out who among your mutual acquaintances or friends knew or strongly suspected what your wife was up to.


The other guy said that no one actually knew of what they had done to his knowledge, and that only one of my best friends had a remote question one time that he can remember. The OM said that he shot down my friends slight inquiry quickly to quell any suspicion. Her best friend might know and I suspect that she does have some details. The OM suggested this two, citing that after a while, he noticed a change in how he was treated around them other couple. The party host said that he did not change his behavior towards the OM, but I have yet to confirm what he knew, if anything. The only other person that could have known is her cousin, who the OM is dating since he was forthcoming with her at the start of their relationship. 

I wish he had told me then, if he was going to tell me. He says he never admitted to it because that was not his place, it mas my wife's, and he was not trying to "break up a happy home". 

This OM has his own set of problems (several kids by several different women) and said to me "I actually started to like hanging around you and everyone after I realized how quirky and inquisitive you were. I felt real uncomfortable and wrong, and eventually broke it off. I learned that if you hang around positive people like y'all, positive things happen to you. So I wanted to remain in this group of friends even before I tried to date her cousin." 

I now recall that he was going through some rough times with finding a job and child support issues back then and I used to actually feel sorry for him an wish him the best. Maybe I do need to be far less compassionate for people. Maybe I need to be more callous. I always thought that compassion made a better world, an even my compassion has been betrayed. Dam n 

I'm just painting the picture as it comes clearer to me.


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

ballofemotion said:


> This might sound far fetched and retarded but it's true: I cheated because I was horny and away from home for work. During the time I was abstaining from masturbating (tmi, I'm sorry) so that I could really give it to her good when she finally came to see me. Boy did that abstaining part back fire. I unloaded all of that sexual energy on a random hot chick, and felt a little more horrible after each orgasm. I finally stopped the encounters due to guilt build up. My fling had nothing really to do with emotions and stuff. Just hot and wet sex...that was exciting at first, then made me feel terrible inside. It was good, but felt wrong. The ill feeling completely overpowered the good feelings eventually and I could not stomach it. That is not the life for me, and I knew it then.
> 
> I have since developed stronger will, the same will that prevented me from making both of them cold cases that night. The same will that prevented me from choking her when I walked in and she was on the couch. The same will that helped me pass on sex advances with girls that every guy I know fantasizes about...no joke...on several occasions.
> 
> ...


Whatever you did, you did not make her cheat. She always had a choice not to. Your choice now is to make a clean break and keep up with your therapy. Channel your anger towards the punch bag at the gym. The OM is a sucker - don't waste time or energy on him.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

What do you make of her reading that book?

It seems like she still had a thing for the other man, was jealous that he was with someone else on New Year's Eve; otherwise, she would have stayed far, far away from him. If she wasn't over him on New Year's Eve, do you think she's over him now? Will she ever be over him? After all, it's two years later. Maybe the toughest thing to get over.

During her cheating, she rejected you numerous times for other man. Another tough one to get over. Instead of getting in your bed and having sex with you, she purposely picked a fight wiith you so she could have sex with him. Another tough one to get over.

Yes, I believe her best friend knew. Especially if you noticed a change in her behavior toward other man and you. If she knew BEFORE you got married and didn't tell you, she is no friend of yours. If she knew and didn't tell you, how you could stay friends with her is beyond me. If she knew, then her husband probably knew, too.

Your cheating: Two weeks of cheating while away from home four years before your marriage, which you confessed to.

Her cheating: Eight months of constant lying to you, rejecting you for other man, and apparently she never got over her feelings for him even up to New Year's Eve, even now. Did she tell other man she loved him? 

OTHER MAN was the one to BREAK IT OFF. If not for that, maybe she would be married to other man right now, and not to you. Or at least she would be his baby mama.

How much of what happened with you during those eight months of her cheating were genuine? Or even for several months after it ended? Well, her helping you with your father was definitely genuine, but your best man helped you, too. It was not an "in love" kind of help, it was a "devoted friend" kind of help. 

Anything of a romantic nature that you experienced with her during those eight months and for several months afterward were NOT genuine. While you were looking at her thinking, "I'm so happy that I have this DEEP CONNECTION and my SOUL MATE, she was constantly checking her phone for texts from the other man, wondering if she could hook up with him and, when HE gave the word, she came running. When she was with you, she was trying to figure out WHAT SHE COULD PICK A FIGHT OVER. 

Whatever you were feeling for her, EVEN AS RECENTLY AS NEW YEAR'S EVE, she WAS NOT feeling for you.

And really, how much crueller could she have been than the way she handled you finding out about her cheating? Your feelings were not even an afterthought. She was mad she couldn't hook up with other man, she was mad at other man for being with someone else, she was mad the rest of the night would be ruined and, oh yeah, are your feelings hurt? Did she even say she was sorry?

Did other man use condoms with your then girlfriend? Not likely.

Your wedding: She knew all about your cheating, you knew none of hers. Mostly likely her best friend and husband were aware of her cheating and said nothing as well.

This reconciliation is going to be tough. You don't have kids to rationalize staying with her.

I've just given you the biggest negatives. Some of them are maybe's. The only way you find out is to talk to her. You haven't posted many of the positives.

My only advice is to play your cards close to the vest. You sound like an upfront straightforward guy. That's a good quality. But there's nothing wrong with keeping quiet, not telling her what you're feeling, asking questions, and letting her do all of the talking. Then make your decision.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> My only advice is to play your cards close to the vest. You sound like an upfront straightforward guy. That's a good quality. But there's nothing wrong with keeping quiet, not telling her what you're feeling, asking questions, and letting her do all of the talking. Then make your decision.


Actually, no. It is a bad choice to let her do the talking. Those negatives you just wrote down, set her out to be a really manipulative cheater. Manipulative people manipulate with words. So no to letting her even talk, man. Get the hell out of there before you are stuck raising someone else's kids.

And of course post her at cheaterville.com so other people won't get burnt like you.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Will is on the mark. If she loved you she would have avoid him and did not. You have been a plan B. Plan B never becomes plan A. If the original plan A does not work out, she will still with plan B until a new plan A comes along. The friends knew as well and did not tell you.

She should not have married you and may have felt obiligated rather than love..

Find someone who loves you. This is not a basis for marraige regardless of who is at fault. You both deserve better.


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

it sounds to me that she never got over your cheating ?..... speaking from the wifes point of view and you would know now this is the most gut wrenching horrible thing to ever put anyone thru who you love .................... i have picked fights and picked on my hubby and felt angry with him for no apparent reason ,,,.,,,,,, but the truth is i am angry with him when i think about what he did to our marriage....

yes what she has done is bad and i dont know if you can come back from this...... maybe karma 

i think if we dont resolve these thing properly they fester and rot away our souls til theres nothing left but hate 

i wish i had some more answers for you


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> When I discovered my husband's affairs I struggled with the strong desire to cheat. Internally, in my head, the purpose of the cheating would have been to extract the level of pain on him that he had given me.
> 
> 
> I had plenty of opportunity to cheat. It would have been easy. I fought the thoughts and desire to do this. It was a hard fight.
> ...


this is what i think about my own situation. and it worked.
as far as the "trust" question elegirl poses...this is EXACTLY the question i find myself asking myself at times.
and i havent found the answer.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You had an affair and chose to stop.

Your wife in a deliberate and premeditated way had a long term affair where she manipulated you and the situation so she could have sex and then come home to you taking care of her.

You had guilt.

She has none.

You are effectively guilt of the cheating version manslaughter.

She's a cheating murder one.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You had an affair and chose to stop.
> 
> Your wife in a deliberate and premeditated way had a long term affair where she manipulated you and the situation so she could have sex and then come home to you taking care of her.
> 
> ...


In most states, you would get the needle if you killed one person or were a serial killer. Murder is murder. And in this case, cheating is cheating. 

OP, what your wife is doing is terribly wrong, but the reality of the situation is that your reconciliation never materialized. You cheated, and evidently your wife never forgave you for it and is paying you back with interest. It's terrible that she's doing this, but she is. I don't see how you two reconcile after this.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How are you doing BOE?


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