# Another Walk Away Wife Syndrome (I guess)



## blr (Dec 1, 2011)

Dear All,

I have my own sad story to state here and I will much appreciate advice from this ever so helpful and wise community.

So, we have been married for 3 years (me now 30, she 28), and had dated for about 1 year before. Had a slightly troubled marriage - parents didn't support; so we married on our own. Mainly because I had moved oversees and it was either get married or separate. Anyways - after we got married both of us got quite busy with our own careers. It was sort of an untimely marriage and we both knew what we were getting into.

So, we worked hard for about 2-2.5 years. Both of us met our professional goals and were ready to start of a pleasant/more secured life together; but then my wife started to say just how dissatisfied she was and how some of the fights over the last two years had affected her so badly. At first - I didn't take it much seriously when it all started in August, before it got really bad in October - when all she could say was that she was not happy to be with me, didn't look forward to be with me. I was a bit tough on her during the two years (pushed her a bit to make sure that she prudently kept working on her professional goals etc. - something it seems she didn't take lightly then and was accumulating it all to vent in one go one day - much to my surprise). So, she made that as the biggest reason (my being a bit aggressive) to take some time on her own and think through... etc.

I have from several sources found that there isn't another man. So, that bit is quite clear. She has now been living alone for one month. And as several people have pointed out about their respective cases - it seems we were both living in two different marriages. I thought it was all great (98% great 2% bad) while she can only think of bad things - keeps repeating the same to herself and some other friends & completely disregards my monumental support to get her career such a boast. Apparently, she started this all "separation" within weeks of getting an independent visa (before that she was dependent on me. And what is super-surprising for me is that just in May - she was just too overtly genuinely loving/sacrificing and caring for me. 

I don't think she was playing games or using me; I also don't think there is another man as well. I think that she didn't get a good share of newly wed romanticism and that I was a bit aggressive/pushy for her career (more like a temporary sub conscious role play between husband wife of -- father/guardian daughter/child). But I don't think this was the crux of our marriage - we had several romantic moments. SEVERAL. For the 2.5 years - we tried every restaurant in town (we hardly cooked at home as we were both studying or working).

I am of course shocked. I initially tried to stop her, show the bright side, cried etc. but then I had let her go. I have accepted my subtle shortcomings and promised to make amends - but to no avail. As if she is constantly looking for the slightest of the reason to feel bad about the marriage rather than giving the benefit of doubt (e.g. I approached some friends IF she could be cheating - and she found this out and blames me for not trusting)

My father has asked me to keep patience and told me that sometimes in marriage the other person gets emotional turbulence and needs some time off (they could go to meet their parents etc. - in her case this isn't a simple thing (though possible) and she hasn't met her parents for almost 3 years now) - another something I wanted to help rectify now that we had both achieved our professional targets. In any case - she has never had any restrictions from meeting her parents or speaking with them. As a matter of fact her own parents are telling her to get back in marriage.

Anyway - this is where the situation is. She has become an ultra-pessimistic w.r.t. this marriage. Looks only the darkest side (with a big-big magnifying glass) and has been living away for a month now. I have since signed up for Triathlon (in 10 months time from now) - started to prepare for it (so that is a very good/pleasant and healthy distraction), and walking the high moral path and hoping for her to make a move back towards the marriage. Have decided that if she comes back before our anniversary (later this week) then good (I had given her a deadline to return and we can start as if nothing happened - will resolve any open issues but no compliant/grudge from my side) - else - If she comes back later - then more than just jumping out of joy and accepting her - I would take a hard look at her and me and decide if this is the person I want to spend my life for next 40-50 years.

Right now things are up in air - after going through my own stages of shock, denial, despair, blaming myself (and subsequently accepting what I could have done better - making the same promise to her and telling her - Hey - I can't change past but can amend only future), accepting where the things are - they are.

Any insights on what I could do better or what I could have done better (and amend my ways) would be highly appreciated.

Thanks for reading my rather longish post.

Kindest regards,
blr

PS: Deep in my mind - I have lost faith (to some extent and getting worse by the day) - As ultimately this is a person who deserted me. As some psychologists say - fight or flight reaction to a situation. We had a slightly less than ideal situation in life (still probably better than 95% population of the world) - and if this person just deserts me - how can I ever trust this person again. Today was better - no kids. What if she comes back and does this 'flight' thing again one day when we have kids...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

blr, before I found out my WW's affair, I was going through the same feelings of rejection - she was telling me she was checked out and wanted a divorce, it was very disorienting and I didn't want to let go. So many thoughts going through my head and none of them gave me much hope. I went into "survival mode" and tried so hard to impress her and show her what she would lose out on but it made no impression on her (if anything it probably lowered my attraction value to her)

In my case, my unanswered questions only made sense after I discovered about her affairs and after I found this site and learned about the fog. However for you, adultery is not the motivating factor, so I can understand why you are so confused about things. However it seems there is still a motivating factor for her, I'm not clear on your residency issues, are you both in a foreign place away from family?

It is possible you were just out of touch with her feelings, but typically when someone suddenly says they are happy and have always been unhappy (ie rewriting the marital history) it is a red flag of some immoral behavior (not just infidelity).


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## blr (Dec 1, 2011)

Thanks Lon. Appreciate your taking time to read my predicament and post a response.

We are both from India and live in the UK. So, we are both away from parents. I have stressed quite hard to understand if there is OM, and would have willingly given her a very easy way out. But I have been told from multiple sources that that is an unlikely possibility.

I am really not sure what the immoral behaviour could be. Any pointers.

Time and again - she stresses my being a bit aggressive as the sole reason for her wanting to leave, my not being a good listener etc. Another theory that I have (read the book - Power of NOW) is that all the while her mind was stuck on getting her career in place and other things like "any issues with dissatisfied marriage" were probably subdued, which came up to surface as soon as her career got in place.

Another theory that I have is that of huge emotional turbulence, she hasn't met her parents for almost 3 years and she was/is very close to them before we met. And then now she is in a very busy profession too. So, running between job and home and not having much time to work on her turbulences as well, I guess.

And yes, she says she doesn't love me anymore. She knows she is hurting me and this doesn't make her feel bad. I think it goes back to a bad precedence that we married without our parents consent and that was when she ended up hurting them a lot (and probably became a bit insensitive to hurting those she loves a bit then). Notwithstanding what might be the reason - knowingly hurting someone is NOT right in my rules of any relationship.

I really don't know what I could do today. Sometimes working hard - is waiting hard and letting someone really have their own time to think etc. However, notwithstanding - whatever problems we had - we could have spoken/discussed involved family (hers or mine) or MC to fix it. Using "I don't love you anymore" as pretext to go away creates distrust in the other person's mind forever.

I am sitting on the fence. Watchful yet considerate to both her and ME. Needy but not Desperate. 

I hope I have got the right strategy to get the best out of this relationship for both her and me.


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## blr (Dec 1, 2011)

My wife doesn't really want a divorce, at least not as yet.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

"so we married on our own. Mainly because I had moved oversees and it was either get married or separate. "

This line caught my attention. Can you explain this more?

I am sorry for your pain. As one in limboland with a WAW, know you are not alone and be strong!


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## blr (Dec 1, 2011)

@ This is me: In the sense - when we had first met and started to date - we wanted to make our careers and potentially get married in 3-4 years time. However, once I moved to UK and my then girl-friend faced an uncertainty of either continuing her career/post-graduation back in India (meaning stuck for good 2-3 years there) or moving with me to the UK and starting her career here in the UK - we decided to rush our marriage a bit. However, the parents did not support and we decided that we might as well go ahead and get married. At that time - I couldn't find a single reason to stop the marriage - in the sense she loved me to the bits and gave me immense emotional security. If only I had known better that future (in less than 3 years time) could be so different...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

blr said:


> I am really not sure what the immoral behaviour could be. Any pointers.


Well, obviously infidelity is the first that comes to mind, don't be too quick to write this off, I too had it from several reliable sources that there was no chance mine was cheating, however she had kept many of her different groups in the dark quite successfully, her web of lies got pretty complex, and it became apparent to me eventually, I had to figure it out on my own by resorting to snooping. Workplace affairs are probably the most common and they don't even have to be physical.

Other possibilities could include simply using you as a meal ticket, or means to travel abroad etc, just wanted your physical support but never really loved you. Or perhaps she saw you as a means to actually get away from her parents (is there any chance they were abusive or exploitive of her, or that she feels somehow victimized around them?)

If you can rule out these kind of external factors, then the only thing you can really do is honor her request to end the relationship, but if there is an ongoing obstacle (such as infidelity or even unaddressed abuse) that is preventing her from committing to the marriage the real solution is to fix that problem not end the marriage. It's a tough job as a committed spouse to know what to do, so just do what you believe is the right thing, and if the time comes learn to let go.


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## blr (Dec 1, 2011)

Thanks Guys for taking time to write your thoughts. 

Current situation is really hurtful. I guess I just need to wait hard. And hopefully I will know the truth/final way forward soon. And hope that whatever happens it is for the best...

I have to say - this is sooooo bloody shocking and hurting. I had no clue this was coming. If only then I would have done my best to fix this loooong back.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

blr said:


> At that time - I couldn't find a single reason to stop the marriage - in the sense she loved me to the bits and gave me immense emotional security. If only I had known better that future (in less than 3 years time) could be so different...


Did you love her?


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## blr (Dec 1, 2011)

Thanks, and I still do.

Though, my trust and faith in her has taken a big beating.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

blr said:


> Thanks Guys for taking time to write your thoughts.
> 
> Current situation is really hurtful. I guess I just need to wait hard. And hopefully I will know the truth/final way forward soon. And hope that whatever happens it is for the best...
> 
> I have to say - this is sooooo bloody shocking and hurting. I had no clue this was coming. If only then I would have done my best to fix this loooong back.


I know, I know. I had the same thing. Was shocked to hear her say she wanted a Divorce. It was almost like from out of the blue. I saw any difficulties as just a bump in the road, but nothing to end our marriage over. One thing is clear. Some people take their vows seriously and understand there will be rough times that can be repaired, and others look for the greener grass instead, which from what I understand is not always greener.

Be strong, learn and live the 180 and know there are better days ahead.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

blr said:


> Thanks, and I still do.
> 
> Though, my trust and faith in her has taken a big beating.


Not to make this my story on this thread, but I have MC with her tonight and I have to keep reminding myself to listen more and speak less, have patience and try my best to be understanding to what issues and feelings she is dealing with. 

I have found I look at her differently now, which also has an effect on my trust and faith of her, but I will work on me to show her what she can still have or what someone else will get in the future.


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## blr (Dec 1, 2011)

This is me said:


> Not to make this my story on this thread, but I have MC with her tonight and I have to keep reminding myself to listen more and speak less, have patience and try my best to be understanding to what issues and feelings she is dealing with.
> 
> I have found I look at her differently now, which also has an effect on my trust and faith of her, but I will work on me to show her what she can still have or what someone else will get in the future.


Could you please elaborate further on your last statement? Effect on faith/trust - positively/negatively? Show her what she would miss or another women in your life could have better?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

blr said:


> Could you please elaborate further on your last statement? Effect on faith/trust - positively/negatively? Show her what she would miss or another women in your life could have better?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Regarding trust and faith, she is driving the bus right now and is controlling our marriage. Since she is not being a complete partner in our relationship (walked away), I can not completely trust her or have complete faith she will see the value in saving our marriage, as I have.

All I can do is work on myself to be better for her should her fog lift or in the end be a better man for a potential future Mrs. This is Me.

I think this is what the 180 is all about.


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