# no love for the devil's advocate



## tamuser (Feb 17, 2012)

I need help on the issue of providing emotional support for my wife. When she approaches me with, for instance, a work situation where she's in a conflict and is looking for my take on it, I have always fancied myself as impartial and attempted to give advice that I think would most likely result in a favorable resolution (and that's usually what she's expressly asking for, even if it may not be what she really wants). I have probably erred on the side of the devil's advocate - I have a generally easy time at work, and I attribute some of that to self-criticism and keeping my side of the street clean, while standing up for myself when necessary.

Recently, my wife has complained that it feels like I never take her side (empirically false, let me say), and has said that she'd prefer I take her side even when she's obviously wrong. The perceived critcism over the years has taken a toll. When I consider this, it scares me - taken to extreme, I could see us taking legal action on an unmeritorious claim if one of us doesn't dampen the discussion a bit. That's hopefully an absurd extreme, but maybe not. (in fact, I'm a lawyer, and sometimes will humor her by talking part of the way into a claim that I know is empty, but professionally I have to break it to her at some point - or do I?)

Specifically what I'd like to hear about is: how do you balance providing emotional support (which builds trust, confidence, and intimacy, but could result in disastrous advice) with constructive criticism (which may tend to reduce trust, confidence, and intimacy if you have to talk someone *way down*, but hopefully yields better advice) with your significant other? My gut tells me she doesn't want a "yes man" any more than what she's complaining about now, but I don't know where to draw the line (and I couldn't stomach being a "yes man", truth be told).


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

One thing I've come to believe is that when a woman talks to you about a problem she doesn't want you to help her solve it - she just wants you to listen. 

If she wants otherwise she'll let you know by asking you a question like, "what do you think" when she's done and you don't say anything.

My life has been much easier since I learned this lesson.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I think sigm has a point.

the want empthy not logic.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What Sigma says. I also learned this lesson after many false starts, and an older female friend/coworker clued me in. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

sigma has it 100% right. Unless she specifically asks "what should I do?" She is just venting and wants someone to listen and empathize.

I do the same as you, look for perspective, angles she hasn't considered and find solutions or reasons for the events that disturb her. I think its just a guy thing. Analyze the problem and fix it.

Women want someone to validate how they feel about something. They know perfectly well they're going to "live with it", and usually they don't even want to change something, but talking about it and getting emotional confirmation relieves the stress.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

also, any resolution needs to be her idea, whether it was yours or not. lead her there, but don't make the decision for her.


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## tamuser (Feb 17, 2012)

I should have been more clear - the norm is that she does ask what to do, even throwing my professional qualifications at me as a reason I should advise her.

I've tried being evasive - sometimes it works. Often it does not, and she gets angry because she feels I'm withholding from her the advice I'd freely give to a friend or client.



Married&Confused said:


> also, any resolution needs to be her idea, whether it was yours or not. lead her there, but don't make the decision for her.


Maybe this is the key, but it's often not feasible on arcane issues, and she's usually asking me to tell her what to do, as I mentioned.


edit: I've read about women just wanting someone to listen, and I believe it - maybe here I'm asking for help on how to redirect her into me just listening, even after she's saying things like "you're the lawyer -- what should I do?"


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## tamuser (Feb 17, 2012)

Angel5112 said:


> Simply put; she wants you to support her and validate her feelings.
> 
> When I complain about a work problem to my H, I don't need his advice on how to solve it. Part of me thinks it sweet that he wants to help solve my problems, but the other part of me is like, I am a big girl and can solve my own issues. Could you just listen to me and let me get this off my chest?
> 
> ...


Thanks, and well put. Our posts probably crossed on the wire, so let me restate my "edit" above:

I've read about women just wanting someone to listen, and I believe it - maybe here I'm asking for help on how to redirect her into me just listening, even after she's saying things like "you're the lawyer -- what should I do?"




Angel5112 said:


> If she directly asks you what to do, turn it back around on her and ask her what she would be most comfortable doing.


edit2: this is good, and I've tried it, but when I re-frame into questions like that, I get accused of using the "Socratic method" (as I was taught in law school), and it makes her more upset. To be clear, there have been times I've used the Socratic method in a manner that was less kind, and so I may have compromised myself in that regard.


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## tamuser (Feb 17, 2012)

Angel5112 said:


> My husband plays devil’s advocate, especially when I fight with my mother, and it drives me insane. I just want him to be in my corner no matter how irrational or melodramatic I am being.


Thanks again.

Any general experience on how this should be done? Let's assume there aren't any concrete job-threatening issues (even though there are sometimes). I have a fear that if I give unreasoning emotional support to a position that is patently wrong, she'll lose respect for me - is that a valid fear?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm not one of those women that want my husband to tell me what I want to hear. He can give it to me straight, even if it's the opposite of what I'm thinking. 

I think that's what your wife wants Tamuser. She wants you to tell her what she wants to hear. I'm sure this would be the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard to you, but for the sake of arguement, you may have to concede from time to time. And when it comes to bringing you into the legal aspect... I would avoid giving advice altogether. "Honey I really don't have an opinion on the matter" should suffice. 

For the record... I can't stand having fights or disagreements about other peoples problems. It makes no sense to be having a tiff with my husband over someone else's business. We have better things to do.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

tamuser, I was like you. Women don't like that. She thinks you are the "devil's advocate" and has even convinced you that you are, even when you were just trying to give it straight. So how do you handle this? IDK, that's why I'm reading this thread... what you are doing isn't the right way so do it different (but IDK what that means either, perhaps just agree with her, perhaps don't even answer treat it as a "fitness test" and try to get the the point where you wrestle each other.)


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## tamuser (Feb 17, 2012)

Lon said:


> perhaps don't even answer treat it as a "fitness test" and try to get the the point where you wrestle each other.)


I'm for it. 

edit: but seriously - I've read about fitness tests. Could that be what she's doing? It does feel that way sometimes.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

possibly... if she is never satisfied with your suggestions, yet she continues to ask, maybe she is waiting for a different kind of response. Or like Sigma suggested, she is just wants you to listen. Try that first, but wrestle her if you get the opportunity.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

What is the tone of your advice to your wife? Are you dismissive and contemptuous of her concerns? Do you use the sandwich method of validating her emotions, then playing devil's advocate, then repeating the validation? 

I think each issue should be considered separately. Being a yes man is not good, but if you sense that your wife is very emotional about a situation, it is not good to cross-examine her looking for holes in her feelings.


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## tamuser (Feb 17, 2012)

A little self-honesty - I'm probably not completely aware of my tone of voice when I'm talking. I know she often isn't. I *believe* I'm being calm and measured, but I'm sure I express frustration if it's been going on for a while.

What is this sandwich method? I'll have to look it up. Is it where I demand she make me a sandwich before I answer? (I'm thinking not)


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

LOL! The sandwich technique is what managers and parents use to present criticism to their employees and children so that they will not become defensive.

Sandwich Feedback Technique | Right Attitudes

It uses the praise, criticism, praise model to keep communication open.


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