# I'm a LD husband and I'm driving my wife nuts



## SomeoneAlwaysKnows (Jul 26, 2016)

Hello TAM community. This is a great site and community and I wish I had found you sooner. On to the issue at hand. First, a little introductory info...

I've been married to my wife for over 15 years. I have ALWAYS been LD, in every relationship I've ever been in. Initially when sex is first introduced into a relationship, I was always "into it" for a little while (usually somewhere between 1-4 weeks of pretty regular sex) but then my desire just plummets. This has always ended past relationships, sometimes quickly, sometimes after a very long time.

It's not lack of interest or attraction. I am interested in sex. I am madly in love with my wife. When we married she was quite honestly, the hottest woman I had ever seen. Here's the thing. We've been married 15 years. We've had 2 children. She's not the same woman any more physically. BUT, I still find her to be INCREDIBLY sexy. I LOVE her body. She, on the other hand, calls herself fat, ugly, etc all the time (to be fair, though, she said these things even when she weighed 100 pounds soaking wet and hadn't borne two children). She is far from fat and to my eyes, the added weight just makes her curves sexier.

I DON'T know what my problem is. I LOVE sex. I love sex with HER. I just don't want or need it all that much. About once every two weeks I'll get really horny and want/need sex. Sometimes this is great and she's ready and willing to go. Other times I don't even bring it up because I'm tired or it's getting late or something else is distracting me (BTW, I have ADHD). The end result is that we wind up having sex once or twice a month. She's been very vocal that she doesn't feel like we have enough sex, she thinks I don't find her attractive, she's even accused me of being secretly gay at times of immense frustration. She's asked me why if I truly find her sexy and truly enjoy sex with her, why I don't pursue sex with her or participate when she gives me the signals that she's in the mood to be intimate. I honestly don't have a good answer. The last time I checked with my doctor, my T levels are at the low end of normal, but normal none-the-less. 

I think that it's a matter of several factors. Timing is one. I work a 9-5 type job (more like 8-6 really), she is a true "night person" and finds it very difficult to sleep at night, so she usually sleeps during the day while the kids are at school. This means we're rarely in bed at the same time. Another factor, neither one of us like to have sex while the younger child is up and about simply because our house is small and frequent interruptions are the norm on the rare occasions that we engage anyway. 

I work full time. She stays home with the kids. At the end of the day, I go home, we have dinner, hang out with the kids and each other, and eventually 10 or 11 o'clock rolls around and I have to get to bed to be ready for the next day at work. During the summer months, our youngest is still up when I go to bed. During the school year though, it's a different story as the youngest goes to bed at least an hour before me.

Anyway, I feel like I'm beginning to ramble. I'm here because I'd like to improve my levels of desire. I'd like to pursue her more (I am a little gun-shy here as it feels like, especially lately because she's frustrated, I get rejected when I try to initiate and rejection makes me extremely hesitant to make another attempt at initiating). I've told her many times that if she would like it and she's not getting it, she is welcome to initiate. I think I can count on one hand the number of times I've turned her down when she came after me for sex). She feels, as the woman, that it's okay for her to initiate but ultimately it's my responsibility as "the man" to pursue her. Being that I'm ADHD and have LD and have a very busy work week, pursuing sex just isn't the first thing on my mind (or even the 10th), especially during the week. On weekends, she's still a day sleeper. So our best shot is usually early morning on the weekend while the kids are asleep and I'm still in bed but close to waking up and she comes to bed. If we're in bed at the same time in this specific circumstance, simply having her next to me or cuddled up with me in bed will usually awaken my libido and we'll engage in sex. Sometimes even then though, she will brush off the attempt (usually because she feels like I'm doing it because she's recently brought up lack of sex or she's found some other reason to be angry with me - often with me unaware that she became angry with me while I slept).

I am at a point where I need help and advice. How to I improve the situation before it gets worse. How do I make our sex life more fulfilling and active? How do I increase my own desire so that it overrides tiredness or other concerns? How do I make sure she knows how HOT I think she is and that I do want her? How do I recover/repair our sex life? Any help or advice greatly appreciated.


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## perspective2 (Jun 4, 2014)

Yes, schedule sex and do it now. It sounds like when you are curled up together one thing leads to another so you arrange to make it happen. You probably have a calendar well if you have gone more than 6 days without sex on the 7th day you make it happen. Don't leave it up to feeling like it.

Tell her you need to have her now, she is irresitible and make it happen. Do not lose this woman over this. I am sure she feels like crap and does not believe all the nice things you feel about her. Put the kids in their room with a ipad or in a playpen if they are that age or whatever it takes. Tell her you don't care if they hear and get to saving your marriage before it is in real trouble.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Start thinking of sex. It starts in your head. Start the seduction early touch your wife, give kisses and caresses. Whisper sweet nothings in her ears. Then before you are ready for bed, drag that woman upstairs and get down to it. Park the kids infront of the tv.

Schedule sex every friday night and every weekend. Just do it. Dont think about when and how. Or I am too tired just do it. Tell your woman you are going to f**k her brains out and start doing it. 

Because if you are not giving it to her eventually this will build resentment. Read up on some of the sexless and ld/hd thread on tam. If you dont take action now it will get worst.

Read some erotic novels or watch some porn, just dont jer* off to it. Save it for your wife.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I remember these exact same words being posted by someone who was later discovered to be a troll, not that I'm accusing you.



SomeoneAlwaysKnows said:


> I'm here because I'd like to improve my levels of desire. I'd like to pursue her more


Anyway here is your answer.

Have her come to bed with you for cuddle time several nights a week. Give it a set time and then she can go back to playing her online games and talking to her on line friends. If it leads to sex, great. If not, maybe next time.

Btw, ADHD doesnt usually interfere with libido. In fact, most people with ADHD are also adrenaline junkies and risk takers. You sure don't sound like a guy with ADHD, except the rambling part...


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

SomeoneAlwaysKnows said:


> I think that it's a matter of several factors. Timing is one. I work a 9-5 type job (more like 8-6 really), she is a true "night person" and finds it very difficult to sleep at night, so she usually sleeps during the day while the kids are at school.* This means we're rarely in bed at the same time. *Another factor, *neither one of us like to have sex while the younger child is up* and about simply because our house is small and frequent interruptions are the norm on the rare occasions that we engage anyway.
> 
> 
> Anyway, I feel like I'm beginning to ramble. I'm here because I'd like to improve my levels of desire. I'd like to pursue her more (I am a little gun-shy here as it feels like,* especially lately because she's frustrated, I get rejected when I try to initiate and rejection makes me extremely hesitant to make another attempt at initiating).* . . . .* Sometimes even then though, she will brush off the attempt (usually because she feels like I'm doing it because she's recently brought up lack of sex or she's found some other reason to be angry with me - often with me unaware that she became angry with me while I slept).
> *




Your wife doesn't sound like she has all that much desire herself.

If she needed it that bad, she'd be in bed with you at the same time; she wouldn't care if the kids heard a moan or two or three.

Sexually frustrated women don't reject you because they're frustrated  Sexually frustrated women respond to offers of sex.

She's not going to "brush off an attempt" you make to have sex with her, because of some stupid thing you did or didn't do.

So, maybe you guys are better matched than you think.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

OP, have you had a full health check, including T-levels? If your T is low, that could account for the LD.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

@SomeoneAlwaysKnows 

I commend you for acknowledging that you are LD. I'm not sure what came first, but your wife's sleeping schedule is also not helpful to your marriage. The problems between the two of you probably go pretty deep. Therefore it is going to take time and relentless effort to really improve things. 

I recommend that you first find a way to communicate to your wife that you hate the current state of your marriage and you want both of you to make some big changes. Don't be too discouraged if at first your wife doesn't show much interest. She might not believe that you are really committed to change.

As others have said, get sex on the schedule, but first give your wife a few days notice that things are going to change.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am going to assume this person is real.

Why not use porn to whet your appetite? WITH your wife of course. Watch it together. Or read 'stories' to each other. There ARE still porn magazines, no?

Go to the sex shop with her and pick out some toys. A dildo for her would be a good start. Let her use it and you watch, or you use it on her. That should get your juices flowing.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Honestly I think she needs to start owning her part in this problem. Not only does she believe that it is his responsibility as the Man to initiate, apparently she also believes it is her responsibility as the woman to Reject his initiation, and possibly to nag. Her behavior would create a low drive person if she hadn't found a naturally LD person to marry.

Now to the OP. I see a lot of excuses on your part. Kid is awake, sleep schedule doesn't match. Too much rejection. Now if she is regularly rejecting you, and at the same time complaining about infrequent sex you must be initiating in the wrong way. Has she told you what you are doing wrong? Are you recieving her signals and not acting on them? That is the same as you rejecting her advance. 

Two things you should think about. Scheduling will help but it is a short term solution. And secondly, initiation is not a short term job. A good initiation starts 12 to 36 hours before the intended event. You have to spark the fire and feed it up before she will be ready to accept.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

SomeoneAlwaysKnows said:


> How do I recover/repair our sex life? Any help or advice greatly appreciated.


Stop being you!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

MBH is right. Get to a medical doctor yesterday.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SomeoneAlwaysKnows said:


> when I try to initiate and rejection makes me extremely hesitant to make another attempt at initiating


For someone that always knows, have you heard the one about the woman that changes her mind after she said she did not want something?

H: Hey Baby you want to do it?
W: Nope!
H: Please?
W: Not going to happen!
H: Please?
W: Not going to happen!
H: (an hour of nagging)
W: OK, OK, OK, I'll do it, but you don't deserve this you know!

Badsanta


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Sounds like a bunch of excuses to me. If you really found her so sexy and wanted to have sex more, you would make time. So, why don't you?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

badsanta said:


> H: Hey Baby you want to do it?
> W: Nope!
> H: Please?
> W: Not going to happen!
> ...



That is sooooo hot!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

She has to compromise too, if she sleeps all day, she could modify that routine to accommodate the fact that you're working and need to be in bed earlier. It can't be all on the LD person to change things. There are things you can be doing on your part as others have suggested, but it takes two in a relationship to make things better. A person with a higher sex drive shouldn't expect to snap their fingers, and the LD person comes running, or they feel rejected. It should be a mutual compromise. Hope things work out, OP. You sound like a nice guy.


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

First off - Great Job for realizing there is a problem and wanting to resolve it. That is huge.

I'm confused why your wife is a "day sleeper". That isn't healthy for her or your relationship. That should change.

Do you exercise? I'm a firm believer that cardio and lifting makes the sex drive increase and also gives you better self-esteem. Start lifting and getting either running or doing some circuits. There are too many benefits to working out to even list here!

Finally, stop the excuses. When I'm horny I will put on a movie or plant the kid with a big bowl of ice cream and an Ipad. Think ahead and arrange some playdates or something so you have time together.

Set your alarm! Just make it happen.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Without knowing more, its difficult to tell, but for many HD people a lack of sex is really miserable. Its hard to explain to someone who is LD, but the importance of a good sex life cannot be overstated. 

Since you are aware of the issue and want to fix it, you can. I know it sounds like a trivial answer - but just have more sex and more varied sex. You love her, you are attracted to her, so make her happy. Initiate sex every other day. It doesn't always need to be a marathon session - just something quick for her. Do what she likes - give her oral, try different positions, ask what she enjoys. 

Keep track. If you haven't had sex 3 times in a week, make it your top priority. 

Give it a try for a couple of months. I think you will find that she becomes a much happier woman - and you may find that you are happier as well. 

If it works, keep it up. Keep track, and don't let your sex life fall apart.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Your wife doesn't sound like she has all that much desire herself.
> 
> If she needed it that bad, she'd be in bed with you at the same time; she wouldn't care if the kids heard a moan or two or three.
> 
> ...


My husband is LD and I am HD. I know that sometimes I feel so hurt by his lack of desire, that when he tries, I have brushed him off before, out of complete frustration and aggravation. Just throwing that out there.

To the OP...yes, take charge, and DO IT. I agree, you very well may lose a great woman if you don't.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Your wife doesn't sound like she has all that much desire herself.
> 
> If she needed it that bad, she'd be in bed with you at the same time; she wouldn't care if the kids heard a moan or two or three.
> 
> ...


Sexually frustrated people don't ALWAYS say yes when the chance arises. I would fall in that category of sexually frustrated, but it doesn't mean I'm constantly ready to go.

Often what's missing isn't just the sex, but it's also knowing your partner desires and wants you, is chasing you, and is interested in you, etc.

That said, she's not doing herself any favors, if she's demanding he do something about this, yet she's not exactly making herself all that available, either.

I figured out a few years ago that if I go to bed at the same time as my wife, our sex life would increase 10-fold. She's usually in bed rather early, whereas I have no reason to (and it causes me to be awake FAR earlier the next morning than I need to be). It's also primarily why our sex life has been confined to weekends only.

So you have a wife who stays up at night and sleeps during the day, is a SAHM, and is asking for more sex - but on her terms and her schedule, which does not at all match yours.

On the flip side, my ex wife was the opposite, and would be in bed long after I was. But she HAD sexual desire, and if she wanted it, would come to bed with me (then leave when we were done). SO she worked around my schedule. This sounds more like your scenario, but your wife isn't coming to bed with you. Likely because SHE wants to be pursued and wants YOU to initiate and show sexual interest in her.

It goes to show that two people on very different schedules can - and should - make time for each other.

Bring her to bed with you. She doesn't have to stay.

And don't worry about the kids - that's what doors are for. Children should be taught from an early age that boundaries exist, and that they are not the centre of the universe.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

@Spicy @alexm

Point taken, I suppose an HD person might have gotten so lonely for evidence of _desire_, that they turn down actual sex; being offended because the LD is offering consolation sex, and doesn't have any real desire for them


I'm taking all the consolation sex I can get at this point. That old song "Ain't to proud to beg", sometimes flits through my mind; but, oh well.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

My DH has always been LD compared to me. We had a rough year a few years ago as I reached the point I was willing to separate over it. We'd been married coming up on 20 years and I did not want to spend my life never feeling wanted. 

Of course both parties bear some responsibility in marital sexual issues. Being a woman of course it's easier for me to side with your wife. As women from a young age all you hear is how much men want sex, how women are always getting chased around by their insatiable men. Then you get married and only have sex once or twice on your honeymoon. 30 min of sleep becomes a greater priority than intimacy with a willing wife. As a woman that makes you feel really bad. Really bad. Unattractive, not sexy, unwanted, rejected. 

My DH and I are in a better place now and it is because he started initiating regularly. Like your situation I'm a night person, he's a morning person. We most often have sex at 8pm. Our kids are teenagers. They just have to live with it. My DH also travels M-F almost every week. So if a weekend goes by with no sex that means at least a 2 week break. Him just saying something about it to me means a lot. He doesn't have to put on some seduction. When can we have some sex this weekend? That's all it takes, just show you notice and that it's a priority in the marriage.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

MissScarlett said:


> Then you get married and only have sex once or twice on your honeymoon. 30 min of sleep becomes a greater priority than intimacy with a willing wife. As a woman that makes you feel really bad. Really bad. Unattractive, not sexy, unwanted, rejected.


Trust me, it makes men feel the same way!

I truly believe there's no difference in how each gender reacts to being rejected or feeling unwanted, undesired. I think it just takes us men a little longer to fully grasp the situation for what it is.

Men generally know that women are the gate-keepers of sex, and we're often brought up to expect women to say "no" from time to time. The old jokes about things ending after you say "I do", that sort of thing.

But when it happens (not that it always does, of course), it takes us a little while to say "hey, wait a minute!", and that's when those feelings hit.

Women, on the other hand, and as you say, are brought up believing men are only after one thing, therefore it's much quicker to get to that point.

But in the end, it's all the same. All humans want to feel wanted, desired and attractive.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

notmyrealname4 said:


> @Spicy @alexm
> 
> Point taken, I suppose an HD person might have gotten so lonely for evidence of _desire_, that they turn down actual sex; being offended because the LD is offering consolation sex, and doesn't have any real desire for them
> 
> ...


There's a serious disconnect happening if you, as an LD man, are taking consolation sex from your HD wife. I'm wondering if your actual desires aren't all that far apart, and that it's much more related to a timing thing than anything else.

It's worth nothing, too (and I didn't want to go there), that with your wife being a SAHM, HD, and in the midst of generally feeling that her husband doesn't take care of her sexual needs, you're in the danger zone.

I think what needs to happen here is that you BOTH have to compromise on some major items, such as sleeping habits/bed times and schedules.

You may have to suck it up and stay up an hour later than you normally do. She really needs to not stay up all night and do her sleeping during the day. Even if your bedtimes are not at the same time each night, they really need to, at least, be brought closer together.

Don't underestimate the subconscious effects of being on -completely- different schedules than one another. My wife is usually in bed by 10 on work nights. And although I could stay up til 2 every night if I wanted, I'm usually in bed by 11, if not earlier. Once or twice a week, I go up with her - and not for sex (although it does happen occasionally...). I make sure to kiss her every time I get into bed, and she usually mumbles something to me. She may not be fully conscious, but she knows I'm there. On the rare occasion I get caught up in something and I'm in bed stupid-late, she asks me what time I went to bed the next day. She just knows, even if she's half asleep.

For your wife's part, she's basically not with you 80% of her time awake. Even though that's her fault, technically, it still does absolutely nothing to make her feel attached and close to you. And without a place for her to go every work day and be around people, it makes her feel even more lonely.

As I said, my ex wife and I, for many years, were on way different schedules. I had an office job, she was self-employed. But we (mostly she) ensured we had time together a couple of times each week. Your wife isn't doing this, it seems. Rather, she's waiting for you to come to her. My ex wife took the lead more often than not in much the same situation as you guys are in.


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## perspective2 (Jun 4, 2014)

notmyrealname4 said:


> @Spicy @alexm
> 
> Point taken, I suppose an HD person might have gotten so lonely for evidence of _desire_, that they turn down actual sex; being offended because the LD is offering consolation sex, and doesn't have any real desire for them
> 
> ...


I have turned down sex as the HD person due to frustration over it being 'dutybooty' and also I have a way of just shutting the door for certain periods of time on that emotionally and it is sometimes less painful to abstain altogether than getting it very infrequently (once i want it it makes me want it regularly more)


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## perspective2 (Jun 4, 2014)

alexm said:


> There's a serious disconnect happening if you, as an LD man, are taking consolation sex from your HD wife. I'm wondering if your actual desires aren't all that far apart, and that it's much more related to a timing thing than anything else.
> 
> It's worth nothing, too (and I didn't want to go there), that with your wife being a SAHM, HD, and in the midst of generally feeling that her husband doesn't take care of her sexual needs, you're in the danger zone.
> 
> ...


How can she sleep all day if she is a stay at home Mom. Doesn't her job start when the kids get up?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

perspective2 said:


> How can she sleep all day if she is a stay at home Mom. Doesn't her job start when the kids get up?


Kids go to school. Or summer camp. Or are old enough to manage themselves (as mine currently are, thank god). Or are young enough they, too, are sleeping the day away. Or they are teenagers. Or they're empty nesters.

In reality, the bulk of the work of being a SAH parent is the years before they go to school. After that, it's decidedly less so, and I mean that with all due respect.

I speak from experience (sort of). I'm the closest thing to a SAHD you can be while still being a member of the work force. I'm self-employed, and my schedule allows me to be there in the mornings for breakfast, getting the kids ready, driving them to school, making lunches, etc. And I'm able to pick them up from school, get through homework, and get a start on dinner. All while my wife is at her 9-5.

I'm basically a stay a home dad with a day job, I cook and clean and fix things and build things and I even make a little more than my wife.

Sorry ladies, I'm taken. :laugh:


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

SomeoneAlwaysKnows said:


> I am at a point where I need help and advice. How to I improve the situation before it gets worse. How do I make our sex life more fulfilling and active? How do I increase my own desire so that it overrides tiredness or other concerns? *How do I make sure she knows how HOT I think she is and that I do want her?* How do I recover/repair our sex life? Any help or advice greatly appreciated.


You have sex with her! Regularly. Even if you're tired just do it. She's not asking you to cut out a kidney ffs.

HD peeps do sometimes turn down sex - nothing worse than feeling like your spouse is giving you pity or duty sex. Yuck. No thanks.

You are married OP, it is your responsibility to keep your wife satisfied and meet her sexual needs - and vice versa. And I ask you, given that you're married and the only person she can have sex with is you, just what is she supposed to do when you put the kibosh on sex?? 

As the HD wife of a LD husband who managed to work through this issue - after lots of tears, wasted $ on therapy, the whole lot - I can't begin to tell you how hurt your wife is by your lack of attention to her. There is nothing more soul destroying than the man you love not wanting to have sex with you. It *must* be her right? There *must* be something wrong with her or you'd have sex with her. If you're not gay, and have no physical reason preventing you from having sex it's only logical that the problem is her right?

That's exactly what she's thinking, trust me.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

As a HD person in a similar situation, I completely agree. (the gender's don't matter, its horrible being turned down either way). Anyone you discuss it with will assume that *you* the HD are the problem, you aren't "sexy" enough, you need to "man up", you are weak, whiny, a b****, out of shape, fat, a poor lover etc. Very few people who haven't been in this situation themselves will believe that there is nothing wrong with you.

BUT

For the LD it is a completely different situation. They are almost never able to believe how important sex is to you. You are "like a kid who sulks if he doesn't get dessert", you are a slvt, or old-goat. You are perverted. There is something *wrong* with you for *always* wanting sex. Its "all that matters to you". 

Occasionally the LD will somehow realize how much they are hurting the person they love. 

Occasionally the HD will truly accept that they can love someone and enjoy their lives with minimal sex. 

Often the time the HD lives a silent life of misery, too ashamed to tell anyone what is going on. 

Often the LD gives in unwillingly and provides miserable duty-sex to keep the HD from leaving, while feeling used and unvalued.

Usually the marriage stays unhappy.


OP - please either provide her with enthusiastic, passionate frequent sex, or set her free to find someone more compatible. Its not your *fault* in any way - but you may simply not be compatible. 




frusdil said:


> You have sex with her! Regularly. Even if you're tired just do it. She's not asking you to cut out a kidney ffs.
> 
> HD peeps do sometimes turn down sex - nothing worse than feeling like your spouse is giving you pity or duty sex. Yuck. No thanks.
> 
> ...


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