# Not yet married



## ItchyDegree371 (Sep 11, 2013)

My fiance of three years has cheated on me twice. All of the below has happened while we were in a long distance relationship (appx 3k miles away). 

The first time we were dating and it was another man kissing her on her chest on two separate occasions of a two day period. She did not tell me about the event for several months but did so because of guilt, not because I would have ever found out (which I would not have). After this event she was extremely remorseful and swore that it would never happen again. She had said she wanted to have him and me but not together. I figured that was that.

Approximately 2 years after this event she did it again with a different individual who "seduced" her, after getting off the phone at night with me she went to his house, took baths, showers and performed oral sex on him and he did on her. This went on for two weeks, she did not tell me until I graduated college (almost two years later) as she said she didn't want to stress me out. During that time I proposed to her. She has not given me all the details as after three years she says she had forgotten a lot of it. 

I had forgiven her for both of the events but I told her that although I love her I do not think that she loves me nor do I feel that I can ever trust her again. Not because she cheated but because she didn't tell me about it for so long. I no longer shower or bathe with her as it is too painful to think about and I no longer perform oral sex on her. She has recently stated that since I do not do the latter that she doubts we will ever have sex as she does not think she will be comfortable with it. (She is still a virgin). I have recently said that I will perform oral even though I told her before that it will be extremely emotionally painful for me. 

We are getting married later this year. I tend to be a pushover when it comes to most everything with her. Should I see a marriage counselor with her? Reading over my post I think we need professional help, or maybe just me. Any suggestions or help? 

I do *NOT *want to hear anything about leaving her or how worthless or blah blah blah, constructive things only please.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You want to marry a girl who does not think she will ever have sex with you. Also you do not trust her and you believe she does not love you. 

Does that sound like a recipe for happiness or the life you want? 

You know the answer. 

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read No More Mr Nice Guy. Report back.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Op part of your post reminds me of a manager I worked for years ago. He would start meetings with the phrase. I don't want to hear. Then he would tack on whatever he didn't want to know or listen to. 

He had very little respect from the group and was ultimately removed. 

Just because you don't want to hear something... That does not change the truth of a situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

She is a virgin? Come on dude. She had sex with those 2 guys and probably more. If this is happening when the relationships is young and easy, how do you think it will be 20 years from now when you are too busy for each other and have a couple children running around? Please spare yourself the pain and get the hell out.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You cannot be this foolish. She goes over to another man's house after talking to you to shower and bath with him and to perform oral sex on him. If you believe that she is a virgin then you are in a major denial. You judge a person by their actions and her actions speak volumes.

I do not mean to be harsh but you would have to be either a fool or a masochist to consider dating this woman let alone marry her. How much more humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


----------



## Julien (Mar 25, 2013)

You're gonna have a big surprise when you'll realize on your wedding night that she's not a virgin anymore.

You want to hear something constructive? Leave her.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I do *NOT *want to hear anything about leaving her or how worthless or blah blah blah, constructive things only please. [/QUOTE]

Then your not going to get many replies my friend. You no longer shower and bathe with her. Whoop! What you don't understand that not only should you not be showering and bathing with her, you shouldn't be there period. 

What part of cheating on you two times don't you understand? First time some guy is kissing her chest. second time he seduces her but she stood there and let him because she was what, helpless? 

Masochist: To derive sexual gratification from being physically or emotionally abused. 

You already know she cheated on you twice and has been anything but honest and YOU WANT TO MARRY HER? Do you plan on living the rest of your life looking over your shoulder every day wondering if she is where she says she is? Wondering if she is with who she says she's with. Wondering if she's doing what she says she's doing? That's your life friend and for some reason you say you want to only here something constructive and not have any one point out the huge mistake your making. 

Well if that's the case then by all means congratulations on your upcoming wedding..........while it lasts.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You seem very insecure.

A young girl, 3000 miles away from a boyfriend... Things happen. That situation is in no way comparable to a marriage.

In today's day and age, very few men marry a woman who is "pure"... You have to accept who it is you are marrying and assign a reason for her behavior.

If you assign a reason such as she is an untrustworthy cheater, then you would be a complete idiot to marry her. You would destroy yourself, your bride and your children. It would nothing less than a human tragedy.

If you assign a reason that you were far away from each other young single people get involved in sexual scenarios and experimentation, but ultimately she chose to be your bride and be true to you, then you can move on with your life and build a strong marriage.

If you have too many insecurities and hang ups to develop a strong sexual bond with your wife, then you will also be miserable in your life / marriage and so will she.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

If you marry this girl, you will regret it. Sorry if you don't want to hear this, but you are not thinking this through clearly.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

ItchyDegree371 said:


> My fiance of three years has cheated on me twice. All of the below has happened while we were in a long distance relationship (appx 3k miles away).
> 
> The first time we were dating and it was another man kissing her on her chest on two separate occasions of a two day period. She did not tell me about the event for several months but did so because of guilt, not because I would have ever found out (which I would not have). After this event she was extremely remorseful and swore that it would never happen again. She had said she wanted to have him and me but not together. I figured that was that.
> 
> ...


On TAM we only says what is best for the person who came here but we dont say what they needed to hear but truth.

Its time for you to open your eyes and see the reality of your relationship. She cheated you multiple times and confessed to you later on and she never faced any consequences other than a sobbing man sitting right her ready to forgive every time.

Run man run to the mountains.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

ItchyDegree371 said:


> I tend to be a pushover when it comes to most everything with her.


I've heard some understatements in my time, but this one takes the cake. Seeing a marriage councilor? No. Seeing a psychiatrist? Absolutely.


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

ItchyDegree371 said:


> I do *NOT *want to hear anything about leaving her or how worthless or blah blah blah, constructive things only please.


Then you've probably come to the wrong place. Because reading that I don't know what else to tell you. It sounds like you're walking into a meat grinder and asking us to give you band-aids instead of telling you how to stop walking.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ItchyDegree371 said:


> I do *NOT *want to hear anything about leaving her or how worthless or blah blah blah, constructive things only please.


Ok, so what would you like to hear? 

That you should run off and marry her tomorrow? That the long distance is good for your relationship? That marriage counselling is going to make it all better? 

What would you like for us to tell you?


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Julien said:


> You're gonna have a big surprise when you'll realize on your wedding night that she's not a virgin anymore.


Wrong. Women have been faking being virgins at on the wedding nights since the beggining of times and of course men bought it. Easier than faking an orgasm.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Why would you want to marry someone you don't trust at all? 

Why would you marry someone who will not have sex with you but will have sex with other men? And then threatens that she may not be able to ever have sex with you. 

What is marriage to you? Is it having a sexless marriage while your wife goes off to cheat? B/c that is what you are about to step into. 

Is this woman AS SHE IS NOW someone who you want to pledge your ENTIRE LIFE to? 

Think about it.


----------



## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

ItchyDegree371 said:


> I do *NOT *want to hear anything about leaving her or how worthless or blah blah blah, constructive things only please.


I've found a positive:

Your future wife is more experienced in bed than you've been led to believe


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

azteca1986 said:


> I've found a positive:
> 
> Your future wife is more experienced in bed than you've been led to believe


Ya, its definitely a positive thing.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

ItchyDegree371 said:


> I do *NOT *want to hear anything about leaving her or how worthless or blah blah blah, constructive things only please.


Allow me to translate what you are saying.

"Don't tell me anything I don't want to hear or should hear. I'm coming here only for affirmation of what I'm going to do anyway - even if it's wrong."

So forgive me, I can't help myself. 

If you marry this woman after she has given you the gift of showing you who she is, there is a very high probability you will soon regret it.


----------



## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Run....pause to bang your head against a wall...run some more...pause again to bang your head against a wall...run faster...so on and so on...


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

ItchyDegree371 said:


> My fiance of three years has cheated on me twice. All of the below has happened while we were in a long distance relationship (appx 3k miles away).
> 
> The first time we were dating and it was another man kissing her on her chest on two separate occasions of a two day period. She did not tell me about the event for several months but did so because of guilt, not because I would have ever found out (which I would not have). After this event she was extremely remorseful and swore that it would never happen again. She had said she wanted to have him and me but not together. I figured that was that.
> 
> ...




No, you're doing everything you're willing to do.

She's a cheater. Period. Look at her ACTIONS, not words. You go away and she cheats. You allow her, you enable her so she has zero reason to change. Her "hurting you" isn't enough motivation. She's hurt you before and cheated again.

So just accept it. Why are you coming to a forum asking for advice. Maybe go to a bondage site to learn to be a cuckhold. Maybe see a sex therapist to learn how to turn watching your wife being banged by other guys into a turn on. 

You may think I'm being mean, I'm not. I'm being a realist. You're asking how to deal with your choice of marrying this woman because you don't want to hear any other options. Well she's not going to change, and you're not going to change your mind. It sounds like you have one last option. Acceptance.


----------



## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

I'll be blunt. Marrying this girl is worst thing you could possibly do. 

Get out now...you've had the privilege of seeing who she really is in advance of tying-the-knot. 

Marrying her is just plain stupid.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell your mom what she's done and ask her if she's still ok with you marrying her.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

You said you don't what to hear anything about leaving her but frankly there is no other advice I can give you. I can't understand why any man would want to stay with a woman who is so fundamentally broken that she cheats on him multiple times and gets caught each and every time!

Do you think it's going to be any different when you get married? If so, then guess again. You have a "get out of jail free" card my friend, use it before it expires.


----------



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

ItchyDegree371 said:


> I do *NOT *want to hear anything about leaving her or how worthless or blah blah blah, constructive things only please.


O.k. You have exactly *2* choices:

*Marry her*. Marry her and _accept_ everything that will come with *this* marriage. Obviously no one here on TAM (CWI) can *absolutely* predict the future. But the best predictor of future behavior is _past_ behavior. If your fiancé has a _burning desire _to STOP cheating, she will find a way to do so. You will not be able to "help" her. The desire to change has to come from within _her_. 

But I'm sorry to say, that given your circumstances, this likely won't happen. Many cheaters will go to counseling and 'fudge' their way through it just to meet our requirements to continue the relationship. Just like a cheater will find a way to stop cheating, they will also find a way to continue cheating, if they want, and become more sneaky about it. 

If you do marry her, chances are very good that you'll end up here on TAM within the first few years after you're married, looking for some more advice about your (unchanged/worse) situation. You'll then have to reveal that this woman cheated _before_ you were married...twice...and that you married her anyway. Do you think that anyone's advice will have changed by then?

Basically, your first choice is to marry her and put up with her behavior.

*Don't marry her*. At least, don't marry her when you intend to marry her. At least postpone the date. Get into counseling NOW. Separately. Figure out _why_ you want to be with someone who is deliberately engaging in behavior that's hurtful to you. And just like you told US not to tell you to "leave her", don't tell US that you don't want to leave her because you "love her". What you're experiencing is *NOT* love. 

Why would you want to be with someone who so obviously doesn't love YOU? Why would you want to be with someone who wouldn't want to have sex with you, or who you don't trust? 

So, there are your options. 

Pick one.

Vega


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Your wife is not a virgin.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My DD23 is, technically. She's done what this lady has done, but has never gone full-on intercourse.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

turnera said:


> She's done what this lady has done, but has never gone full-on intercourse.


I hope some of you guys never gamble. You'd be cleaned out. In words similar to those by the late Sigmund Freud, "a person is faced with with something too uncomfortable to accept, often rejects it and insist that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence" (or the way I would say it, "get your head out of your azz and quit pretending you've got something special before you look like a bigger fool than you already do."


----------



## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

You think she was willing to cheat on you with another man after hanging up the phone with you. Lied to you for years. But she still Maintained her virginity because she wanted to remain pure? 

If this is truly what happened, your fiance is a seriously disturbed individual.

I'm sorry you're gonna end up marrying this girl. I realize you're not going to listen to anyone's advice here. I hope that she shows her true colors before you have any children with her. 

You can do better dude.


----------



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

OP, may I remind you that _oral_ *sex* is still *SEX*???

Do you really want to be with someone who has such _little_ self-control?


----------



## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Listen, you're not married! If you want it, put a ring on it. As soon as you both exchange your vows, I'm sure she will be a loving, devoted and faithful wife. And if believe that I have an E-Mail from a Nigerian Doctor you might want to read, might make you rich!


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

ItchyDegree371 said:


> My fiance of three years has cheated on me twice. All of the below has happened while we were in a long distance relationship (appx 3k miles away).
> 
> The first time we were dating and it was another man kissing her on her chest on two separate occasions of a two day period. She did not tell me about the event for several months but did so because of guilt, not because I would have ever found out (which I would not have). After this event she was extremely remorseful and swore that it would never happen again. She had said she wanted to have him and me but not together. I figured that was that.
> 
> ...


Oh boy! Here we go again!


----------



## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)




----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ThePheonix said:


> I hope some of you guys never gamble. You'd be cleaned out. In words similar to those by the late Sigmund Freud, "a person is faced with with something too uncomfortable to accept, often rejects it and insist that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence" (or the way I would say it, "get your head out of your azz and quit pretending you've got something special before you look like a bigger fool than you already do."


 *shrug* I am my DD's best friend. Just like her father, she tells me everything. And I mean everything.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Itchy

I have a bridge I would like to sell you....

Wake up and grow up.

HM64


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I could be wrong, but I think the difference in Turnera's case is the DD was not cheating while doing the acts she did. I just find it harder to believe that a person would go the extreme of cheating and then do everything but the act, and repeat this several times. Once I can maybe accept, but by the second time I am calling BS on it not going fully physical.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I don't want to hear, is another way of saying, I can't face the truth.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> I just find it harder to believe that a person would go the extreme of cheating and then do everything but the act, and repeat this several times. Once I can maybe accept, but by the second time I am calling BS on it not going fully physical.


I think if the truth were known, Itchy's the only one of her male friends that ain't getting anything. For that reason, he thinks she's a virgin.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Squeakr said:


> I could be wrong, but I think the difference in Turnera's case is the DD was not cheating while doing the acts she did. I just find it harder to believe that a person would go the extreme of cheating and then do everything but the act, and repeat this several times. Once I can maybe accept, but by the second time I am calling BS on it not going fully physical.


 I agree. DD has only dated 2 guys in 4 years, and that was only for about 9 months, cumulatively. She definitely doesn't need a guy's attention. Too busy getting a degree.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Wow, if my wife would have been like this guy, I would still be cheating to this day.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Welcome to ItchyDegree371 Land. Where "fiance of three years has cheated on me twice.", but hasn't had out right sex on you with other MEN"...

I'm sorry, but this is where you unicorn is going to end up...


----------



## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Wow, she's withholding sex before she even is married.. and she sure gets around for a virgin, so I'm guessing she's only withholding from the OP, and not her other boyfriends that aren't marrying her, just giving and getting oral.. 

Tell her you need a doctor to verify that she's a virgin, a female doctor... to decrease the chance of her taking a shower with the doctor.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

russell28 said:


> her other boyfriends that aren't marrying her, just giving and getting oral..
> 
> Tell her you need a doctor to verify that she's a virgin, a female doctor... to decrease the chance of her taking a shower with the doctor.


The way she works a shower I'd hate to see what she'd do with a Jacuzzi. 
I guess as old as I am, I'm behind the times on the decreasing importance of oral sex. It still seems to me there ain't much difference between having one in your mouth and having one in the vagina. It's almost like I'm hearing, "hey she just gave him a Bj. At least she didn't sleep with him." Maybe you guys view the mouth as less erotic.
BTW, looks like we done run Itchy off telling him his angel is flying a little to close to the ground.


----------



## holycowe (Apr 7, 2013)

Go ahead and marry her. You deserve it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> The way she works a shower I'd hate to see what she'd do with a Jacuzzi.
> I guess as old as I am, I'm behind the times on the decreasing importance of oral sex. It still seems to me there ain't much difference between having one in your mouth and having one in the vagina. It's almost like I'm hearing, "hey she just gave him a Bj. At least she didn't sleep with him." Maybe you guys view the mouth as less erotic.
> BTW, looks like we done run Itchy off telling him his angel is flying a little to close to the ground.


Guess I must be close to your age as I think the same thing that you do!!


----------



## ceejay93 (Jun 29, 2013)

Since you clearly lack the balls and self-respect to do what must be done (LEAVE HER!), what are you hoping to hear?

1) Don't leave her!
2) Sometimes cheaters change!
3) It's OKAY!
4) You must forgive.
5) Don't give up on your love for her.
6) It won't happen again!
7) Walking away is taking the easy way out!
8) You will never find anyone better so don't walk away from this gem of a human being!
9) Fight for what you believe in.
10) She is a virgin! Seriously, she is!

Now that the stupidity has been exposed and gotten out of our system, let's get serious. You know what must be done and you're simply being a lil b!tch about it. That's your prerogative. I do, however, ask that you do yourself a favor. 

Think about your future and well being. Are you currently happy? if not, is she contributing to your sadness? Why are you a pushover? Do you really believe that she's a virgin? Is this the type of person you want to be with?

Give honest answers to these questions and if at the end you still want to be with her, good luck.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

I suppose the only way for you to learn a real life lesson is to marry her. It'll open your eyes eventually (I hope).

Dont forget to DNA test the kids.


----------



## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Some happy couple you are..

Or rather, she is the "happy" side of this merry band, you are the "couple" alone. You complete each other.

Can't wait to see your post-marriage threads. 

TAM: I'm getting discharged on Tuesday. I'll be right with y'all folks.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Here's something constructive. She gas told you parts of what she did. Find out if there is more. Polygraph. 

Ifshe marries you she could well do it again.

She has zero respect for you but as she has zero respect for herself, how could she have any respect for you?

Is she still a virgin?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

I'm shocked that the OP has yet to respond; I wonder why. 

I mean, what was he expecting to hear from a group of folks who have had their insides ripped out? That he has to forgive and forget? That everybody does it and there's nothing to worry about? That we all should rubber-stamp this engagement and wish them well? Really? 

This guy reminds me of myself over twenty years ago, which is precisely why I'm going to go all up in him like a bad cold. I was once that gullible guy who couldn't get any girl to talk to him in high school and couldn't buy a date afterwards. And just like this guy, I would do almost anything in order to get the attention of a female. Finally, this single mom shows up and poof; I'm in love and ready for marriage. No matter what everyone was telling me about her, I was ready to lock her down but not because of love or even lust. It was because of the very real fear that if she had moved on, I would never, ever, EVER be able to find another woman to like me for the next 20 years. That's the exact same vibe I'm picking up here. 

The fact that she has told you upfront that she's been with other guys (btw, oral sex is code for getting effed hard and fast) while you're on the sidelines says a lot more than you know. If she's doing this now, what do you think is going to happen after you marry her and she's the one driving the bus? If you don't trust her now, what the blue hell are you going to do when she wants some time alone or a weekend away with her girlfriends? Think about it; you are so disgusted by her actions that you can no longer bathe with her or perform oral sex. She's already made it known that she won't likely be having sex with you without that. Allow me to fill out the incomplete sentence for you; she WILL be having sex with someone while married and it will likely not be you. 

Don't you have any pride? Is this truly the best you can do?

If you marry this chick, be in readiness for a lifetime of misery and pain. Be prepared to be surprised Maury-style when the kids she bears turns out to not be yours after you've cared for them and paid for their law school degree. And be prepared for the papers she'll surely drop into your lap once the true 'love of her life' gives her that mind-blowing orgasm that you could never deliver. Bank on it. 

Don't worry through; we're like Red Roof Inn. We'll keep the light on for you when you return five years from now...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

The OP is probably not coming back.

Too many of you people said mean things about his perfect fiancee and then had the AUDACITY to suggest he leave a woman who had cheated on him twice.

And how could you possibly suggest that his wonderful bride to be is not still a virgin?

Geesh, what could possibly be wrong with you people?

Other than common sense of course.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

He's has ridden a magical unicorn off to the valley of rainbows, surrounded by cloud of butterflies, to live out his dream.

I hope the good fairy gives him an enchanted chastity belt for his bride-to-be. He's gonna need it.


----------

