# Found out my dad is sleeping with prostitutes - my mom doesn't know



## Throwaway05 (May 30, 2015)

My dad isn't great with technology, and asks me to set his alarm on his phone sometimes or text one of his employees. 

Anyways, while doing so, the word "escort" in one of his texts caught my eye. One of his coworkers gave him the link as my father asked. He's been working away from home these past few weeks, and the link was specifically for escorts in that area. I checked his browser history hoping it wasn't true, but the evidence was all there - his history consisted of him browsing a list of escorts in that area. Definitely not one of those pop ups. At first, I just hoped he was curious and let it slide. Then today, he came back from work again, and I couldn't help myself as I was PRAYING that it was a one time thing and he didn't act on it. Nope. Texts, browsing history, and I even checked his call log to see if any numbers matched those of the escorts on the site. Indeed they did. I feel heartbroken right now, and feel like I'm carrying one of the most heartwrenching secrets right now. 

I'm 19 years old, and my mother has been a bit suspecting recently. When he's come home, she tells him "you seem a bit too happy" as if she suspects it but has no proof. Last week my father asked my mom to buy new underwear (LOL), and my mom came up to me jokingly saying "hmmm, a bit odd that he's asking this when he's away from home for work". The funny thing is, when my dad came home today from his job he was acting all loving towards my mom, more than usual...to the point where they slowdanced in the kitchen. I watched for a few seconds awkwardly, not knowing what to feel but disgust. 

She has no idea it's true. I know this for a fact, and I know if I told her this, she would be HEARTBROKEN. She's depressed as it is because my sister and I are both moving to Europe for university this summer for 3 years and she goes on about how she'll be all alone as my father is constantly working. 

I can't bring myself to tell her, and I love my dad, but confronting him about this would be WAY too awkward and he would just deny it calling me silly. 

One of my mother's close friends' husband cheated on her, and I remember my mom going on about how if my father ever cheated on her, she would leave him the moment she found out.

I don't know what to do. I'm so conflicted, and I don't want to tell my sister about it as I don't want to get her involved. She's only two years younger than me, but I don't want her thinking any less of my dad like I do (I can't help it).

I'm so scared. Like I said, my mother has been through bouts of depression recently, and in the past has been suicidal. I'm SO afraid at what something like this will do to her mental state. I can't deal with this burden, but I also don't want to be the person my dad resents or my mother for giving her the news.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sooo... your father is stepping out on your mother and -- in choosing to do so w/ prostitutes -- he is putting her health at risk as well. She has a right to know.

Gather what evidence you have and present it to her. I say this as a man who urged his own mother to divorce his father once she learned that he'd been cheating on her... and that she'd spent months in a false reconciliation. (And, as it happens, my brother gave her the evidence that she needed w/ respect to the false reconciliation.)

Trust me when I tell you that, if you don't do this, you will regret it for the rest of your life.

Sorry.


----------



## Throwaway05 (May 30, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Sooo... your father is stepping out on your mother and -- in choosing to do so w/ prostitutes -- he is putting her health at risk as well. She has a right to know.
> 
> Gather what evidence you have and present it to her. I say this as a man who urged his own mother to divorce his father once she learned that he'd been cheating on her... and that she'd spent months in a false reconciliation. (And, as it happens, my brother gave her the evidence that she needed w/ respect to the false reconciliation.)
> 
> ...



I just don't know how she'll deal with it. She's gone through really bad phases of depression in the past. My sister and my mother are my best friends, and when she and I move halfway across the world for university THIS SUMMER, I'm not sure how she'll deal with it. She's dependent on my father for income. She works, but doesn't earn enough to make a proper living, that would definitely affect her decision.


----------



## Susie42 (Sep 23, 2013)

Throwaway05 said:


> My dad isn't great with technology, and asks me to set his alarm on his phone sometimes or text one of his employees.
> 
> Anyways, while doing so, the word "escort" in one of his texts caught my eye. One of his coworkers gave him the link as my father asked. He's been working away from home these past few weeks, and the link was specifically for escorts in that area. I checked his browser history hoping it wasn't true, but the evidence was all there - his history consisted of him browsing a list of escorts in that area. Definitely not one of those pop ups. At first, I just hoped he was curious and let it slide. Then today, he came back from work again, and I couldn't help myself as I was PRAYING that it was a one time thing and he didn't act on it. Nope. Texts, browsing history, and I even checked his call log to see if any numbers matched those of the escorts on the site. Indeed they did. I feel heartbroken right now, and feel like I'm carrying one of the most heartwrenching secrets right now.
> 
> ...


I am so sorry to hear about your situation. If I was your mother, I would want to know. I would want to be told the truth. I think you should tell your mother. She is living with a man that does not respect her or love her. She would be better off without him. I would never want to stay with a man like that. I am sorry about the situation you are in, but remember, it is not your fault. It is your Dad's fault. Even if your mother suffers from depression, she should be told the truth. She should be given all the facts so she can decide for herself what is best for her.

P.S. I suffer from major depression and anxiety. I have been tormented by NOT knowing the truth. My husband was caught going to strip clubs and getting lap dances. My depression is 100X worse, because HE lied to me and refused to tell me the truth. Lying, hiding, and keeping secrets is worse than the act itself.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Ugh, so sorry. I was about your age when I found out for the first time my dad had cheated on my mom . I'm so sorry for how this may affect your thought patterns for the rest of your life .

That aside....honestly, to me, it sounds like your mom already has an idea. I don't think it's going to come as a shock to her. You should approach her as a wounded, but confident, adult child. You're wanting to be there to support her, but make it clear to her that you need support too. 

NOTHING good can come from you keeping this secret from her. NOTHING.


----------



## Throwaway05 (May 30, 2015)

Just a quick update: 

Dad was asleep and left his phone in the kitchen, so I grabbed it to be a bit more thorough.

Cross-checked the numbers with the ones on the sites, and although he DID call them, the calls lasted anywhere from 0 seconds where it didnt even go through to 16 seconds, possible voicemail.

Seems like he hasn't gone through with it, but is planning on it.

What should I do in this case? Stay out of it? Or warn my mom? The calls have been late at night, at around 12am, sometimes even multiple calls to the same number but they all last 0 seconds. It seems it hasn't actually gone anywhere yet...but a very strong possibility of him doing so.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Throwaway05 said:


> Just a quick update:
> 
> Dad was asleep and left his phone in the kitchen, so I grabbed it to be a bit more thorough.
> 
> ...


First answer this...

How far are you willing to go in terms of investigation?


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You need to let your mother know, ASAP! My sister's ex-husband used escort services and got STD from her husband. He is a physician of all people. They have two children. She found out in the worst way as she got sick and her physician informed her. She went through an agonizing treatment procedure. She could have gotten AIDS. She divorced him.

He remarried and he did the same thing to his 2nd wife. My sister took on his 2nd wife as a client. She became an attorney after they got divorced. Karma!


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Throwaway05

Speaking as a mom-type with kids of my own and a hubby I dearly love, if he was involved in infidelity or messing around with the idea of visiting a prostitute (actively doing something about it), I would be VERY sad and my heart would HURT...but I would want to know. 

I would want the chance to face it head on. I would want the chance to make decisions for my life based on the truth, not denial and fear. I would want the chance to KNOW what I'm getting into--like is my health at risk if I sleep with a man who has slept with a prostitute who has slept with god-knows-who? I would want to know if I need to get support or get my friends around me for encouragement. I would want the truth, even if the truth is scary and hurtful, because you can build something dependable on the truth! Whatever is built on lies will crumble. 

So if one of my kids were in your shoes, and they discovered my Dear Hubby was going to visit prostitutes while I was unaware, I would hope they would have the courage to let me know. If I were in your shoes, I'd take the time to gather evidence and don't pre-judge...just take facts and facts and let the speak for themselves. Then I'd get a wise third-party, like a pastor or someone you know your mom likes and can lean on, and I'd let that person know what you've discovered...and ask them if they would come to the house and help you tell her. Then you and that wise person give your mom the evidence. 

It's HER marriage and it is HER life and HER health. Let her make whatever decisions she is going to make once the truth has been presented. Let that wise person help her and give her someone who to turn to who can give her wise advise.


----------



## Throwaway05 (May 30, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> First answer this...
> 
> How far are you willing to go in terms of investigation?


I feel horrible snooping. 

I came across it that first time, completely unintentionally...and I think the word escort in a text message would ring bells in anyones head. 

To be completely honest, knowing I've gone through his call logs (even called a few of the numbers from his log from the area hes been working from my phone while blocked to double check) and still have not found anything, at this point a part of me prefers to believe that he hasn't gone through with anything of the sort. 

However, another part of me is worried. If he has gone through with anything of the sort (and by the looks of it, it sounds like he hasnt...hes terrible with technology, wouldn't even know how to delete history), not investigating it any further might put my mom at risk of diseases, even if it's a small risk...I'm not sure it's one I'm willing to take. 

What I was thinking of doing is:

My mom and I sometimes go through the photos on my dads phone as there's family and dog photos on there we like to look over...I was thinking of, just before we begin to do it, to open up some of the tabs of the escorts he's had on his phone BEFORE we look at the photos. Then accidentally, double click the home button which comes up with the open apps including a small screenshot of the "escort" browser page. 

Is that a horrible idea? 

Do you guys think that it sounds like he hasn't actually done anything and I should step back?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> You need to let your mother know, ASAP! My sister's ex-husband used escort services and got STD from her husband. He is a physician of all people. They have two children. She found out in the worst way as she got sick and her physician informed her. She went through an agonizing treatment procedure. She could have gotten AIDS. She divorced him.
> 
> He remarried and he did the same thing to his 2nd wife. *My sister took on his 2nd wife as a client. She became an attorney after they got divorced. Karma!*


LOL. That is so awesome.


----------



## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Throwaway05 said:


> I feel horrible snooping.
> 
> I came across it that first time, completely unintentionally...and I think the word escort in a text message would ring bells in anyones head.
> 
> ...


You are dealing with someone with no respect for the truth it seems. Small exposures are easily papered over with small lies. Even the big exposures get papered over with big lies at times. I am so sorry you are saddled with this.You are going to have to follow your heart and gut on this. I don't know enough about your family to advise you but here is the ugly truth that I do know:



If you do nothing, your relationship with both of your parents will never be the same, and you will carry regrets for not acting. There could be consequences to your family.


If you expose your father, your relationship with both of your parents will never be the same. Your mother might be angry at you, at least at first, and your father may never forgive you. If they are paying for college there could be direct consequences to your life for acting. You might be on your own quick. Even if you are not cut off out of spite, the circumstances might leave you high and dry. He might not be able to afford to provide for himself, your mother separately though alimony and with two college kids abroad. 

Act with your conscience but expect the worst.

Welcome to adulthood. This is the sh!tty part.


----------



## Throwaway05 (May 30, 2015)

ScrambledEggs said:


> You are dealing with someone with no respect for the truth it seems. Small exposures are easily papered over with small lies. Even the big exposures get papered over with big lies at times. I am so sorry you are saddled with this.You are going to have to follow your heart and gut on this. I don't know enough about your family to advise you but here is the ugly truth that I do know:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It sounds selfish, but the payment of my tuition has come to mind. I'm afraid if I completely destroy their relationship and mine in the process, my future plans along with my sisters will all be jeopardized. My dad will be paying for both of our tuition, but my mother and her feelings are more important than that. 

I think, for the moment, seeing as it seems he hasn't done anything, I might hint at it, but until I know for sure, I won't do anything based on circumstantial evidence.


----------



## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Throwaway05 said:


> It sounds selfish, but the payment of my tuition has come to mind. I'm afraid if I completely destroy their relationship and mine in the process, my future plans along with my sisters will all be jeopardized. My dad will be paying for both of our tuition, but my mother and her feelings are more important than that.
> 
> I think, for the moment, seeing as it seems he hasn't done anything, I might hint at it, but until I know for sure, I won't do anything based on circumstantial evidence.


A couple thoughts.

First of all, this probably is not his first rodeo (Affair) and your being naive to think so I think (apologies). 

Second, the manly old school way to do this is confront your father directly. Tell him if he does not stop you will expose him for putting your mothers happiness and health at risk. He will be pissed, but its not like he can cut you off without coming clean to your mother. Maybe try to put a key logger on his phone, or just make him think you tell what he is doing with your hacker skilz. 

A varient on the above is confront him and require him to come to clean to your mother, or you will. it will be bad for her, but even worse if she hears about this with the compounded shame and embarrassment of her child being the one to deliver this news.

Damn dude. So sorry you have this **** at 19.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Tell your mommy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There is a radio program that used to call cheaters up and tell them someone listed them as a sex partner and they tested for stds.

Maybe you could get someone to run this on your dad. Assuming he hasn't actually used the escort services.

We have looked at the yellow pages listings for escorts for laughs at work. We were shocked to see an address close by and they ended up on tv.

You might also send him an anonymous news report of someone getting busted soliciting prostitutes or fake escort services. The police use those to bust guys and find people looking for underage women.

My biggest concern would be your moms health/mental health. It doesn't sound like she could take the news.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would go to my dad, tell him I KNOW he's been looking up escorts, and I'm watching and waiting. If I see any evidence that he is following through with the escorts, I will tell mom. And then back off and see what he does.


----------



## Susie42 (Sep 23, 2013)

Throwaway05 said:


> I feel horrible snooping.
> 
> I came across it that first time, completely unintentionally...and I think the word escort in a text message would ring bells in anyones head.
> 
> ...


Get the phone now. Show your mother what he has been looking at and tell your mother the truth. She deserves to know the truth!


----------



## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Why don't you just confront your father with this information you have?


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I thought I had already posted but doesn't seem to have got through

This is a really tough situation to be in but you cannot sweep it under the carpet as it will not go away and you will feel guilty and burdened if you let it be.

1.You should put something on his phone/pc to monitor his activity (key logger for example)
2. Observe how he is acting over the next week or so and how he is interacting with your mother
3. Your mum may well have depression because she already knows/suspects what your father is up to. Women
have this gut feeling when things are not right. It is a painfully slow crazy making kind of knowing because there is no evidence
4. Have a man to man chat and tell him you know and that if he does anything to destroy the family you will spill the beans to everyone including extended family
5. Tell your mother, she has a right to know, for her health purposes and for her sanity. YOur father is NOT the man you think he is, he is selfish and seems to care
little about the consequences on his family, his marriage and the health of himself and your mother.

Smoke him out, now!


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Wow...sorry you're here. 

Sounds like there are a lot of issues. 

For example, the obvious health problems that could arise. STD's are real, and could become a problem. Which advocates you telling your mom VERY soon. 

But, that also leads to problems. I noticed you said you were going to school in Europe. Expensive. Unless you live there. 
So you're worried if that happens, your education will be interrupted. 

Well, I'll tell you right now, it will be! I was in your shoes a few years ago. 
I took out student loans. Trying to pay them off. It's not the end of the world if you have to take them out. Just means you won't live like you wanted when you graduate. (Or where you wanted)

Another issue, will be your relationship with your parents.
Telling your mom could mean your father will never talk to you again. Or that he will disown you. We don't know. You need to understand this can happen. Or nothing may happen. It's impossible to know. 
There is also no way of knowing how your mom will react. She may not believe you, or something else. The issue is very complex. 

Not telling her doesn't make the problem go away either. If she finds out, she may be very upset! That you knew, and never told her, and that you allowed her to be at risk for STD's and other diseases. And she may feel like you took a side in the parental fight that will ensue. 

And it is likely, (not 100% sure) that when it comes out, that they will fight, and want you two to pick sides. 
I won't tell you which is right. I will tell you trying to straddle the fence, in my situation, ended horribly. Granted, again, different situation, but it didn't end well. 

And then there is your sister to consider. How will she react to learning this? What would she expect you to do if she were to know what you know? 


I am not telling you all this to overwhelm you, though it may feel that way. I am telling you this to hopefully keep you from encountering any of the roadbumps I ran into in my own life. 


You are in a bad place, and I am terribly sorry. This is not easy. 

And there is no right path. You just steer the ship through the storm best you can.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Sooo... your father is stepping out on your mother and -- in choosing to do so w/ prostitutes -- he is putting her health at risk as well. She has a right to know.
> 
> Gather what evidence you have and present it to her. I say this as a man who urged his own mother to divorce his father once she learned that he'd been cheating on her... and that she'd spent months in a false reconciliation. (And, as it happens, my brother gave her the evidence that she needed w/ respect to the false reconciliation.)
> 
> ...


I have to really agree with this.

For better or worse, your mother deserves to know. It cannot be kept from her forever and by knowing and not telling her you are now part of the problem. Be kind, be gentle, but be honest.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

helolover said:


> Why don't you just confront your father with this information you have?


If you decide to do this, *BACK UP THE PHONE FIRST!!!*


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I completely agree with those who say OP must confront the father first.

And this is why:

Mom may not believe OP, or at least not WANT to believe OP. If dad is as sneaky as he sounds, he'll deny, deny and deny, and this could come back on OP, especially considering he/she is leaving the country ostensibly for a year, at least. OP won't be there to defend him/herself, and dad can say whatever he wants to mom to suppress the truth.

Second, I would imagine dad would feel like a huge pile of s*** hearing this from one of his children - enough so to hopefully knock it off asap. Not to mention the embarrassment factor.

Third, if mom has depression as it is, then this news would be awful for her ESPECIALLY since the kids are jetting off to Europe and she'll be left on her own with him going forward.

Now if dad is as technologically challenged as he's being made out to be, there's no reason OP can't put the fear of God into him and make him think he can be monitored even from Europe. Theoretically, he could be. Spy apps, Find my Phone, keylogger, whatever.

I'd confront dad first and see how he handles that. Normally I'd be all over talking to mom and bypassing dad entirely, but given the extenuating circumstances (mom's depression and kids leaving for Europe), it may actually be best that she doesn't know. For now, anyway.

And make sure dad thinks about std's and how he can pass them on to mom. It's not likely something he's actually considered, as he's not really thinking with the right head, it seems.

So drop this on him, embarass the s*** out of him, and "check in" in him periodically while you're gone. Don't let him forget that you know, or suspect, and make him think you're watching him. He'll get his head on straight real quick.

*ETA - just a thought, but try to surreptitiously block any communication with the guy who sent him the links. Whatever #'s he has for him, block them from the house phone and his cell phone. Make it clear that you know this guy sent him these links and you don't want him communicating with dad anymore - you'll be watching. For that matter if this guy is married or even dating, threaten to out HIM, as well. This will give dad even more to think about, instead of just himself. He could be responsible for the breakup of somebody else's family, as well as his, and he'd probably think twice knowing that fact.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Just a thought. Your mother may already know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

This really got my attention! Let me tell you why. I suspected my H but didn't have any proof. This caused me to be depressed. I thought I was going crazy. When I found out for sure of course my depression got worse, But it was such a relief to know for sure. The longer this goes on the worse it will be for your Mom.

About a week after I found out my son also found out. My H was seen by one of our son's friends With OW in the truck with him. The first thing my son did was call & tell me & ask if I knew what was going on. If I had found out & knew that my son knew & didn't tell me I would've felt betrayed by both of them

I can only tell you how I felt. I was so proud of my son for having the courage & caring enough about me to get involved. Had he kept this to himself I would've been so hurt & felt like He betrayed me as well as his Dad & his Dad wasn't mad at him either. Only ashamed that his son knew what he was doing & he actually respected him for calling me, Because that's how we raised him, To be upfront & honest with us about everything. 

I don't know your situation, But I can tell you this, If your Mom suspects something's going on, She is in living hell right now & is desperate for answers. Having been in this situation I hope my thoughts on it will help. Good luck in what ever you decide to do..


----------



## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

its none of your business stop meddling in your parents affairs... maybe she already knows ? your losing your inheritance that's for sure.... let the old guy have a little fun...


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

quiesedba said:


> its none of your business stop meddling in your parents affairs... maybe she already knows ? your losing your inheritance that's for sure.... let the old guy have a little fun...


Sleeping with prostitutes is having a little fun? You are bitter and jaded because you cannot have 'fun' the way you planned and it all backfired on you!
Stop bringing your own crap and skewed view of marriage into this young person's life, take your poison elsewhere. You never know one day you may really need help, I'm sure you wouldn't want other poisonous people giving you advice? How would you like your own teenage children to encounter a version of you when they are online here looking for advise? You are really sad :frown2:


----------



## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

Ok that might have been a little rude.... but its none of her business but she's a woman so she has been conditioned to think that its her right to make it her business


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And...you just proved it.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

tell your mother, as in any cheating or suspected cheating situation, the betrayed is entitled to know, and let them deal with the situation, in their own way

as for your father, you can tell him whatever, but not until after you tell your mother----telling your father 1st could very well not help your mother, as it would just give your father time to hide and destroy evidence-----he is a cheater, and he needs to be outed----as I said above----YOUR MOTHER HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW WHAT SHE IS LIVING WITH, AND HAS AS A SO CALLED H.


----------



## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

What a terrible situation you have been given! I'm sure everyone on here will be telling you to tell your mum because it's the "right" thing too do. I think that is short sighted. If you tell you mum you are betraying your dad, and vice versa.

I would approach your dad about it. He will probably deny it but after you tell him to cut the [email protected], and show him the evidence. He has to make a decision because it is totally unfair on you. Both telling and not telling can have dire consiquenses. It should not be a decision a 19 year old has to make. Also, I think you have handled the situation very well so far, well done.

Best of luck


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Gonecrazy said:


> If you tell your mum you are betraying your dad


Excuse me?

If he wasn't doing something to 'tell' about, there would BE no 'betraying' of anyone.

Anything that happens to his dad is of the dad's own making.

That said, tell the dad first and hopefully that's the only wakeup call he needs.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

First of all, I echo others - you should tell your mother.

The reason primarily being that her health is at RISK.
She is also being LIED to and living in a false world.

Would you want your mom to sit on knowledge that your boyfriend, who you were having regular sex with, had dipped his peepee into another woman? I seriously doubt it. Your mother, if a good mom, would be absolutely LIVID and would do everything to make sure you were healthy.

Sorry for the bluntness but there's more at stake here than your favor with either of your parents. This is part of the adult world you now live in. Europe will be no more protective of you regarding these matters when you attend University. Believe me, I lived in Europe for 8 years. As a young woman newly married, I was frequently propositioned by men that didn't care about crossing boundaries with a married woman. Sex was quite readily available.

It's especially difficult that this is your father. If you have a good relationship with him, this is surely crushing your image of who he is. As a young girl that loved her dad and spent the majority of my childhood with him, it hurt me to find out that he was very neglectful of my mother's needs through most of their marriage. 

People are not black/white, they are shades of grey. You are now seeing his grey.

Do not suppress your desire to act on your own values and morals because this is your father. You are an adult now and capable of making your own value judgments, even on your own parents. This includes accepting the responsibility of any consequences for your speaking up. 

One more thing I want to point out, whether he committed the act(s) or not, his desire is as good enough as action. When you marry, unless otherwise agreed by both parties, you COMMIT to that one person completely. If he is unhappy in the relationship for any reason, he should act as the adult he is and divorce. Otherwise, he is breaking his vows. Hopefully, one thing your father taught you is integrity?

It's a lesson worth remembering. Maybe he needs to be reminded of that lesson by you. I'm hoping for the best.


----------



## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

Don't listen to these nuts jobs, reliving their situation with yours, hoping that any and cheaters burn in hell. confront your dad and tell him to tell your mom.... 

He made vows.... !!!!!! He's a cheater..... its her health.... blah blah blah


----------



## MidwestDave (Jun 18, 2009)

Throwaway05 said:


> My dad isn't great with technology, and asks me to set his alarm on his phone sometimes or text one of his employees.
> 
> Anyways, while doing so, the word "escort" in one of his texts caught my eye. One of his coworkers gave him the link as my father asked. He's been working away from home these past few weeks, and the link was specifically for escorts in that area. I checked his browser history hoping it wasn't true, but the evidence was all there - his history consisted of him browsing a list of escorts in that area. Definitely not one of those pop ups. At first, I just hoped he was curious and let it slide. Then today, he came back from work again, and I couldn't help myself as I was PRAYING that it was a one time thing and he didn't act on it. Nope. Texts, browsing history, and I even checked his call log to see if any numbers matched those of the escorts on the site. Indeed they did. I feel heartbroken right now, and feel like I'm carrying one of the most heartwrenching secrets right now.
> 
> ...


Really sad to hear about this, so many terrible situations that life can throw at you. Well like the others have said, you should take this information to your mother at some point after you've investigated more and have all the facts. Why wouldn't you want to talk to your dad first?

In my thinking it IS possible that the the marriage is salvageable. Does your father have other redeeming qualities? In other words, is he a person with value beyond this huge screw-up? It sounds like he never consummated this, right? He may may just be flirting with this dangerous fantasy.

Not sure I caught your dad's age, I am assuming 40's given your age. Never underestimate the male libido. It can steer men do a lot of thoughtless and ridiculous things especially if they are reaching a mid life crisis. This is not giving him a pass - but it is reality. One reason that men consider escorts or prostitutes to fulfill their fantasies is that it limits the infidelity to the sex act itself "no strings attached". There is not the complication of emotional attachment which is the ultimate infidelity. Other BIG risks of course as has been mentioned here.

I know couples who have endured infidelity and went on for many, many years after healing the wounds. This is probably not typical, and every situation is different. Really comes down to the ability of the guilty party to honestly admit and address the issue, and the ability of the other party to forgive them.


----------



## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

OMG! Most of the time the information I read on this form is really really good. This is one of the greatest exceptions to that comment. 

It's like people on here hear the word 'cheat' or 'escort' and get the pitchforks out And get ready to burn the house down without even using a thing called their BRAINS!

This is not a standard, run of the mill cheating case. Did everybody missed the part where this young lady said that her mother is depressed and it has been suicidal in the past? I'm not saying she should cover this up and forget about it, I'm saying she should be smart about it and do you want to in a manner that gets her free from guilt and solve the problem.

You cannot compare this to her mother keeping from her that her boyfriend is cheating on her, there is a big difference and the only common theme is the cheating here. Please don't patronise this young lady by using the word pee pee, she's not a child, I think she's smarter than a lot of people on this site for not charging in telling her mother. 

I doubt her father would be stupid enough to have unprotected sex with a prostitute! I mean, he's a grown man and no prostitute would want to have unprotected sex considering that her profession and is more than likely going to get a disease if she does. 

A couple of you have want to give this young lady a worst case scenario that is one sided. I want to give you all a very realistic one side a worst case scenario for you all to consider. 

Let's say she goes and tells her mother like you will have suggested, and mother killed herself, now what? This lady is going to be carrying the guilt of that for the rest of her life! But wait, let's just added a little icing to the cake. This young lady, who can't bear to carry the guilt of what she has done based on what she has been advised by people on this site, tells her father that she knew about his affair and that she told her mother and that is the reason why she has committed suicide. 

The father that has a response such as:
" I thought about doing it, and rang a lady once, but decided I can't go through with it."

Or how about:

" A friend who wanted to have sex with a prostitute asked me to call one for him. "

Or

I just want to talk dirty with her and get off on that I never want to have an affair. 

The truth is there is no solid evidence and it is not worth this young lady potentially hampering the life of her mother just because she wants to do the right thing!

I hope you will understand I'm not trying to side with the father on this! I'm trying to side with the young lady on this!

Please, everybody, think very carefully about the advice you give. You may not know how severe the implications of the advice that you give to someone that you don't even know about a situation you can't even see.

Thank you for reading


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Gonecrazy said:


> OMG! Most of the time the information I read on this form is really really good. This is one of the greatest exceptions to that comment.
> 
> It's like people on here hear the word 'cheat' or 'escort' and get the pitchforks out And get ready to burn the house down without even using a thing called their BRAINS!
> 
> ...


Those is glass houses should not throw stones. We are all making assumptions in this scenario as none of us have all the facts. 

Your suggestion that a man would never have unprotected sex with a prostitute would suggest you are not using your brain either. 
There are many parts of the world where prostitutes will do whatever the man wants (without protection) and you do not know what part of the world this family is from either. 
That is why there are so many people (also on TAM) with STDs because their partners have had unprotected sex with prostitutes, masseuses etc (read on TAM). 
You have also alluded to the mother's depression, perhaps her depression stems from that knowing in her gut for a long time that something is wrong in her marriage. This information might well set her free, have you thought of that? 

Furthermore, your innocuous comment: "I'm not saying she should cover this up and forget about it, I'm saying she should be smart about it and do you want to in a manner that gets her free from guilt and solve the problem". Could you be more specific, this is neither here nor there kind of commenting, you blast everyone else and THIS is useful advice? How exactly is she to proceed? How exactly is she to get free from guilt and solve the problem? 

TAM has helped alot of people, whether people choose to take the advice or not is up to them. Only the OP knows the exact scenario and what is at stake.


So before you come in with your guns blazing perhaps you could take some advice from your own post first and use your BRAIN.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Worst case scenario...

"Son, I have some bad news for you. I am HIV positive and the doctors think it will develop into full blown AIDS."

"Well, mom, it's funny you should mention that, but..."

She NEEDS to know. Now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Gonecrazy said:


> OMG! Most of the time the information I read on this form is really really good. This is one of the greatest exceptions to that comment.
> 
> It's like people on here hear the word 'cheat' or 'escort' and get the pitchforks out And get ready to burn the house down without even using a thing called their BRAINS!
> 
> ...


And just imagine how depressed an STD would make her? :scratchhead:


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Gonecrazy done gone crazy! LOL!!!

I actually refrained and was considerate.

I personally would kick my dad's cheating ass so hard he might never sit again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

aine said:


> Those is glass houses should not throw stones. We are all making assumptions in this scenario as none of us have all the facts.
> 
> Your suggestion that a man would never have unprotected sex with a prostitute would suggest you are not using your brain either.
> There are many parts of the world where prostitutes will do whatever the man wants (without protection) and you do not know what part of the world this family is from either.
> ...



Aine: You're right. It was wrong of me to go on the attack like this. I have seen a very similar turn of events happen with my inlaws and it wasn't pretty. I won't bother going into details but the husband of the wife that did the exposing nearly lost his job. (the only income and they have a mortage and two children). Simply because, she just charged in trying to be a 1% hero and not thinking how she could achieved the same results without the potential splash back. There was no real evidence and it looked to me like a joke between friends turned to Chinese whispers, turn to almost a broken family!

I would also like to withdraw my previous comment with regards to condom sex with prostitutes. I'm only a pup on here and it was a poor assumption that others would not be so care less or reckless.

I don't know about you or anyone else on here, but I have suffered depression and been suicidal. Doesn't take much to make a already depressed person snap. That's all I'm going to say about that.

I think this young lady should seek professional help immediately. This problem is very complex and beyond the scope of the average person. Pro Councillors would have a network to provide the correct support for all the family with the safety of her mother at the forefront. Not one person on this site has a duty of care to OP or her mother.

I too have been helped by TAM, maybe I need a little more help.....
I don't agree with your next sentence. Its like saying, "it's not my fault if you take my bad advice". Correct me if I'm wrong, not that I think you would need the prompting.

I find Tam to be really informative, but, I see hatred, bitterness, and down right contempt come from people when ever the word 'cheat' comes up. Sometimes I wonder if the site is a congregating place for people to share their hate and anger. Don't get me wrong, people have a right to be angry, but anger clouds the mind and makes people have poor judgment, as I have just shown in my previous post.

What annoys me, is that I feel people want to relive their own hurt through someone else's circumstance. People have a tendency to become addicted to negative emotions that they have experienced, and want to relive them even know they proclaim to have great wounds from them. Lets all get together and start hating on a minority group. As opposed to moving forward, and releasing the anger and moving to a more peaceful headspace. Sometimes, rushing to burn someone at the stake, might accidentally catch fire to the surrounding houses. Just wait for a less windy day.

Gonecrazy


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Gonecrazy said:


> What annoys me, is that I feel people want to relive their own hurt through someone else's circumstance.


What annoys me - or makes me laugh, depending on the mood - is new posters (or old ones who haven't learned better) assuming that we, as a group, are doing this. I have no infidelity to deal through, I'm not out to get satisfaction, I'm here because I enjoy helping people figure out solutions to their problems that previously wouldn't have occurred to them. And I can name a few dozen regular posters - many of whom have contributed to this thread - who do the same.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

When people come on this site they come to try and sort out their thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. However, I would suggest that most people will consider what is given here but still draw their own conclusions and make their own decisions. 
Naturally many people on this site have been cheated on and have lived through the experience therefore this would colour their views, nothing wrong with that. There are also other sites out their with a totally different slant on the same issue, people make choices as to which site to choose.

When it comes to emotions and such painful experiences I'm afraid seeking real objective unbiased feedback is asking for rather alot don't you think? 
Nevertheless, that in no way devalues the kind of feedback they can get. 
I do think it is safe to say that 'cheating' is frowned upon greatly on this site, go figure!


----------



## Row Jimmy (Apr 15, 2013)

In my mind, thinking about cheating is a lot different than actually cheating but everyone has an opinion on that. (example - looking at a hot chick on the beach and thinking I'd sure like to have sex with her is a lot different than actually banging her) 

Fact - The Dad has taken steps in a dangerous direction but it may just be fantasy that he finds entertaining. 

Fact - You have no proof that he has actually physically cheated. 

It's an awkward situation to be put in but I suggest you talk to your Dad. Tell him what you discovered and lovingly say "Dad... I have no idea why you are exploring this but I sure hope you stop before you hurt Mom and end up destroying our family" 

Having the bright light of reality shone down on his dark desires may be all he needs to embarrass him and give his head a shake and put the stupid idea out of his head.


----------



## 01tylerdurden01 (Oct 9, 2015)

Hey, bro im going through the same thing... Im 24 years old a bit older than you but found out 2 years ago. I personally don't think you should get involved with your parents sex life. If your mother wants to remain ignorant like mine then its there fault. Im not gonna tarnish something that quite frankly has nothing to do with me. However I cant say that I respect my father and it has unfortunately made me look at him in a different light. Primarily because he's a hypocritical *****, telling me that I must show respect and take pride within myself for simply wanting a nose-ring ? Hes taking part in something which is illegal and run through crime syndicates (human trafficking) were woman are abused to make ends meet  I don't see my father as a man but a *****, he talks about how people judge you and how important his job and involved in the community is, meanwhile he does something like this.... What a ****... The only reason, sadly why i''m tied with him is do to financial support via education... Just want to live my life with out his controlling/hypocritical ways.


----------

