# completely devistated



## Dee4204 (Feb 24, 2010)

Hello,

I am new to the boards. my husband of 2 yrs. (together for 7) has dropped the bomb on me the other night. We've had such a great relationship..we are so in tune with each other.. we REALLY seemed meant to be. problem is, we moved so fast. after 3 mths of dating we got pregnant. We had the baby, eventually got married. then bought a house a year ago. not to mention we were young. 22/23. My husband wasn't the type to go out and party all the time.. he did live a life.. but apparently not enough. Basically he spilled his guts about how he wants to take a break from all responsibility.. We are supposed to live together like best friends. I am COMPLETELY devistated. i dont know what to do with myself. I can't eat.. sleeping is hard.. i "shut down". This was so sudden and out of the blue. We didn't fight.. these are true feelings. "He needs to find himself" i don't blame him.. but I really can't deal with it right now. I am a mess. my world is nothing without him. Worst part is, he doesn't want me to show emotion or talk about it because it makes him feel guilty. If i do, he's moving out of the house. really don't++
30 know what to do and how to deal.. thank GOD for my daughter.. she's the only strength I have right now. 

-Dee


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Dee4204 said:


> Worst part is, he doesn't want me to show emotion or talk about it because it makes him feel guilty. If i do, he's moving out of the house.


To paraphrase:

He wants his cake and eat it to.
You have no say so in the matter.
He wants no responsibilities.
You have to lay in waiting until he decides what HE wants.

You do have a say so, if he wants to find himself then he should do so and go find somewhere else to live while he does it. But he can't shirk his financial responsibilities to you or his child. He needs a dose of reality. Ask him to leave.


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## Dee4204 (Feb 24, 2010)

thank you. i am usually soooo much stronger than this. i think i got so used to doing everything and taking care of him.. now it's a reality check for me. not to mention i do LOVE him.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You say you can't live without him, but you can. You are a mom now and you have other responsibilities besides to yourself--not that you should ignore yourself, but you do not have the luxury of just falling apart. You know that, but letting yourself indulge feelings that it "isn't fair" or "why does happen to me" won't help. 

So, start figuring out what YOU want out of life, with or without him. You have a life to lead and it will be full and exciting--if he chooses not to be part of it, too bad for him. Good luck and God bless.


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## franchesca (Feb 24, 2010)

First let me say that i hope you know is not your fault. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, i know you feel like is the end but is not, you do have your daughter.That been said he just want to drop everything to take a break, are you kidding there is no timeouts in marriage, either you are in or not. that is so unfair for you and your daughter, and i hope you give yourself all the streing that you need to say either get it together or get the heck out. i dare him say if you show feelings he will leave you are not a rock and you do love him if he wants to break your heart he needs to see it.


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## Dee4204 (Feb 24, 2010)

this is all so new.. i have to reach that angry point.. right now i guess i am "grieving" but it is compelely unfair and childish. i shouldnt even be upset about him leaving.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Dee4204 said:


> this is all so new.. i have to reach that angry point.. right now i guess i am "grieving" but it is compelely unfair and childish. i shouldnt even be upset about him leaving.


To be upset and grieving is certainly not childish. Your world has just been turned upside down. IT will take you some time to get your feet back under you and think about what you want to do moving forward. What he is asking of you is completely unfair.


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## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

I know how debilitating it is. My husband did it to me a few months ago....everything that you thought about him, about your relationship and about the rest of your life has been turned upside down and you cant let go of what you thought you had.
I am only just coming to terms with the idea that the person I married 2 years ago is not the same person that I am married to now, and that if I met this person now there is no way Id marry him! But that doesnt help the situation I know...
Im going to give you some advice that I wish I could take as well (so dont feel bad if you cant find the strength right away)...
Decide for yourself what YOU want from life, know that no matter what happens you WILL be ok and you will go on to live a happy life (with or without him). Understand that right now he is being childish, selfish and completely disrespectful, and that is not good enough. I think that you need to tell him to move out while he "finds himself" because it is only going to be harder for you to find strength every day with him around. Use this time to be good to yourself, to find your inner strength and to find your independence....you will be better off for it, regardless of what happens. 
Hang in there - I know how much you are hurting right now.


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## Dee4204 (Feb 24, 2010)

thank you sienna. as you know this is by far one of the hardest things to ever go through. especially when you get sucker punched with it. i really appreciate your advice. he IS being childish and selfish.. he doesn't realize that yet. I am going to just keep trying to be strong for me and my daughter. i already called a few therapists..


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## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

You are most welcome...I have just reached the point now (3 months into this mess) that enough is enough and I cant go on living like this. I feel too hurt, too disrespected and to insecure to allow me to continue in this pattern. He has hurt me once and he told me he wants to work on things and he will do what it takes, he has now gone right back to how it was a few months ago and it is now my fault that I let this happen again. I cant control him, I cannot change him. For some reason he doesnt want to be with me anymore and he is doing everything in his power to show me that. I now need to change my situation...
It has taken me 3 months to come to this point and I know things are only going to get worse before they get better I feel that I am finally ready to go on that journey.
Hang in there...my thoughts are with you.


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Dee4204 said:


> Hello,
> I am a mess. my world is nothing without him. Worst part is, he doesn't want me to show emotion or talk about it because it makes him feel guilty. If i do, he's moving out of the house. really don't++
> 30 know what to do and how to deal.. thank GOD for my daughter.. she's the only strength I have right now.
> 
> -Dee


He's being very selfish and unfair. BUT trust me your world CAN be something without him. I would tell him to leave and come back when he's done figuring out what he wants and then *I* will decide whether I want to still be with him or not. You don't take a _break_ from your wife and child. You either devote yourself to them or you get the hell away for good! This reminds me of Jon Gosselin lol 

I am currently "separated" from my husband, living on different continents, waiting for him to fix the mess his parents and him caused. At first it was really difficult for me to be away from him.. I was also pregnant, I was lonely and missed him every day, would call him almost every day. 

But as the days, weeks and months went by I realized that I CAN live without him, I CAN sleep without him at nights (although I really do miss being in his arms) and that I'm not as lonely as I thought I was since I'm surrounded by family and friends who love and support me 100%.

I still love him very very much and I do want to be with him, but I can also survive without him if things don't go as planned. It will hurt, A LOT, because when you lose the person who you love and who you have given your heart and life to it kills you at first. But it's like death. When a loved one (not necessarily a spouse) passes away, at first it's hard to accept that they're gone and you cry and grieve and think your life has ended and that it won't get better, but over time it does and it will. 

I have a baby girl too and I'm thankful for her. I have my life to devote to her if all else fails. 

So be strong and show him that it's HIS loss not yours.


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## Dee4204 (Feb 24, 2010)

So i had a long detailed conversation with my husband. i now understand him more than i ever did. we both have our own issues and i let my issues get in the way of our love life. I can't describe how guilty I feel... does anyone have any idea's as to where we can find a good counselor?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes. Go to marriagebuilders.com and look up their phone counseling. It's expensive (but no more so than those who advertise here), but the doctor there has over 30 years of experience with exactly what you're going through - it's what he specializes in. Just one hour with him (30 minutes for each of you) will be the most powerful hour you ever spent on your marriage.


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