# I am going to break up with long term GF because of bad sex.



## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

I am mostly venting here and my mind is set on breaking up, but any thoughts and advice are welcome

I will start by saying that sex is very important for me. I can tolerate all kinds of crappy behavior from a GF as long as the sex is good and frequent. Ideally I would like sex every other day but I could settle for less if it is good.

And now to my current situation. We are in our early thirties. We met 4 years ago and moved in together in a new house for the last 3.

For the first year sex was OK. Neither good nor bad, just adequate, but at least it was frequent (4-5 times a week). What kept sex from being great was that she had some intimacy issues. She always wanted the lights to be turned off and didn't like being touched or fingered on her vagina (she would let me but her body language told me that she was not feeling comfortable). She also wouldn't let me go down on her as foreplay, she would only let me after sex to finish her off. Her anus was totaly off limits and she won't even let me touch her. And she has an aversion to lube and that can be a huge problem because her dryness was occasionally making sex painful for both of us and I had to stop. She won't do 69 and only occasionally give me (bad) oral for just a minute or so.

Anyway, I thought that she was not comfortable with me yet and/or inexperienced and if we moved in together things would go better with time. Boy was I wrong! Immediately after moving in the new house, there was a sharp decline in quality and frequency of sex. We were down to 2-3 times per week or less(from 4-5) and that after me pestering her all the time. The worse was that now sex was not spontaneous, but pushed late at night, right before we would go to bed. To me that seemed like she's dealing with sex like it is something mechanical that has to be done, like brushing her teeth before bedtime.

In the meantime I have done some things that thought would improve our sex life. I bought her a "rabbit" and ben wa balls and wanted to try some light bondage on her. Not only she didn't even want to try, but she actually became aggressive and gave me some lame excuses, like she doesn't want toys since she has me. I bought some sexy lingerie for our fisrt Valentines and she complained that they are uncomfortable and didn't wear them at all (she actually did wear them only once, about six months later).

Eventually after a long dry spell I confronted her and we had "the talk". She admitted that her libido was lower but also part of the problem that I was pestering her all the time. This was true, so after the talk I backed down and didn't try to initiate sex so often. But this didn't improve our sex life one iota and I was still getting rejected most of the time.

These happened about two years ago. Lots of things have happened and we had another two talks since the first, but Fast forward to today. I have almost completely given up trying to initiate. The frequency has dropped down to once every week and thats her initiating most of the time. And let's not talk about quality. I have come to the point where I prefer masturbating to porn than having sex with her. What peeves me is that she doesn't even want to try to improve anything. Apparently she doesn't think there is a problem at all, but I am not inclined to do another "talk" with her because nothing good came from the last ones.

I am so frustrated right now that all I want is to end this relationship and be left alone for some time.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Don't get married.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like the two of you are not compatable sexually. Neither of you is right or wrong. You are just wrong for each other.

End the relationship now so that both of you can move on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I will start by saying that sex is very important for me. I can tolerate all kinds of crappy behavior from a GF as long as the sex is good and frequent.


That's selling yourself remarkably short.

Couple's counselling might help.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

RFguy said:


> I am mostly venting here and my mind is set on breaking up, but any thoughts and advice are welcome
> 
> I will start by saying that sex is very important for me. I can tolerate all kinds of crappy behavior from a GF as long as the sex is good and frequent. Ideally I would like sex every other day but I could settle for less if it is good.
> 
> ...


Dump her. You'll be doing HER a favor! I don't understand how she has lasted this long with you.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Dumping her would be the best idea. Both of you would be much happier in other relationships.

You seem to have a very high drive.
She seems to have a lower drive.

There are women that would love to 69 with you, have anal, be fingered, have sex 4+ times a week, etc
There are men that would love to cuddle with her, massage her, have sex 2 or less times a week, wait to give her oral until after sex starts, etc.

Both of you could be in awesome, sexually compatible relationships.

You're fed up.
She's fed up.

You'd really be doing a favor to her and to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Nice. Criticize the original poster for wanting a better sex life. He's not in the wrong. He's not shallow to want a better sex life. He's not married to her. They're dating. Dating is like an interview for marriage. They're not compatible on a fundamental issue so he's not in the wrong for moving on.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Ignore the bitter ******* comments and just dump her. It isnt your fault. She isnt your wife. There are no vows to honor and no kids. Just bail. LD folks dont get it and frequently try to make a HD feel like a perv. They are also frquently unmotivated to improve becaue they figure its all your problem. You gave her her due now give her the broom.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Don't get married.


Leave her.

It certainly won't get better with time.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Sounds like a little of the bait and switch going on.

First dating, sex 4 - 5 times week. Then move in together, sex down to 2 - 3 times week and then once a week. Not even married yet......claims low libido........

If you really want out of the relationship and you guys can't meet a middle ground sexually, then yes, move on and don't get married and then later divorce. You could still be friends you know.

She might have a LD but had a lot of sex with you initially until she knew you were moving in together and maybe getting serious, then her true self started to come out?


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

I'm confused as to why you would move in with someone offering mediocre to bad sex if its so important to you. I would bet there are other more serious underlying issues in your relationship. Are you meeting her needs? Sounds like you two are speaking different languages and neither of you are truly feeling very loved.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

itskaren said:


> I couldn't agree more.


Would you like me to give you the 27+ year version of how this story ends?

Get. Out. Now.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like the two of you are not compatable sexually. Neither of you is right or wrong. You are just wrong for each other.
> 
> End the relationship now so that both of you can move on.


:smthumbup:



aribabe said:


> Dumping her would be the best idea. Both of you would be much happier in other relationships.
> 
> You seem to have a very high drive.
> She seems to have a lower drive.
> ...


Very well put, and it rhymes too! :smthumbup:




Coffee Amore said:


> Nice. Criticize the original poster for wanting a better sex life. He's not in the wrong. He's not shallow to want a better sex life. He's not married to her. They're dating. Dating is like an interview for marriage. They're not compatible on a fundamental issue so he's not in the wrong for moving on.


:iagree: Yes, I agree with this, Mr. OP is in NOT the wrong side in this case. 



YupItsMe said:


> Ignore the bitter ******* comments and just dump her. It isnt your fault. She isnt your wife. There are no vows to honor and no kids. Just bail. LD folks dont get it and frequently try to make a HD feel like a perv. They are also frquently unmotivated to improve becaue they figure its all your problem. You gave her her due now give her the broom.


:iagree: yes, all advices should be considered but not all advice should be taken or followed..



CuddleBug said:


> Sounds like a little of the *bait and switch going on.
> 
> First dating, sex 4 - 5 times week. Then move in together, sex down to 2 - 3 times week and then once a week. Not even married yet......claims low libido........*
> 
> ...


:iagree: Good analysis of the situation.

Mr. OP, you are very lucky you're not married yet. 

It's a good case of libido incompatibility. It is very deadly for a man's soul. Being chronically refused will give you (1) very low self-esteem (2) destroys your confidence (3) makes you do silly things.

Please, follow the advices above. It will be for the better.

And yes, you two could still be good friends afterwards. After all, it's better to be good friends, than being hateful former husband and wife.

Or being a husband in a marriage where the wife does not respect your sexual needs.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

You deserve better.You have no children and no marriage to keep you there.You will be happier with a hd partner.Leave her, as it will only get worse over the years and you will never be happy.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

nevergveup said:


> You deserve better.You have no children and no marriage to keep you there.You will be happier with a hd partner.Leave her, as it will only get worse over the years and you will never be happy.


I find your username and this post to be strangely ironic:rofl:


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

End it now before an accident happens and you end up with a kid.Do not even think of Marrying her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

There is nothing shallow about expecting a decent sex life so ignore those who have dumped on you about that.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Sorry to say this but it wont get any better than this. Your sex drives are not compatible and there is nothing you can do to change this.

I was once married to someone with a higher sex drive than mine. He wanted it every day and I was happy with just once a day. We argued for TEN years because of this. He said the same thing...sex is mechanical, no spontaneity etc. He just annoyed me because I didnt see what the issue was. BIG clash!

He eventually cheated on me and blamed it on his lack of sex. So the marriage ended.What a waste of time both both of us.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

From your description she is very inhibited. Attempts to try to expand your sexual repertoire are only going to make her that much more uncomfortable. I agree the best thing for both of you is to split and find more compatible partners.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The thing that some do not get is that some people are HD and others are LD. There are even some who are ND. There is nothing wrong with of these. They are who they are.

What does not work is for a HD person to get with a LD or ND person. It also would not work for a LD person to be with a ND person. 

It's not right to demonize a LD person because they do not have a HD or because they do not want to just have duty sex. 

The OP in this case is wrong in giving his obviously LD gf a bad time because their sex drives do not match. And she's wrong for giving him a bad time out his higher drive. BOTH ARE WRONG. And both have every right to be who they are.

The OP needs to either accept her LD or find someone whose is also as HD as he is.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Don't ever think someone will improve sexually over time. It hardly ever happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

Thank you all for the feedback 



happysnappy said:


> I'm confused as to why you would move in with someone offering mediocre to bad sex if its so important to you. I would bet there are other more serious underlying issues in your relationship. Are you meeting her needs? Sounds like you two are speaking different languages and neither of you are truly feeling very loved.


I thought that she would be more open once we moved in and the sex would improve. Actually the opposite happened.

Also while sex is the most important thing for me, it is not the only thing that I look in a relationship and she ticked all the other boxes. But now the lack of sex has reached a point where it overshadows her other qualities.


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like the two of you are not compatable sexually. Neither of you is right or wrong. You are just wrong for each other.
> 
> End the relationship now so that both of you can move on.


I feel she's wrong.

I would accept her being LD. What I do not accept is that she won't even try improving. I have suggested many things to spice our sex life, even ridiculously simple ones, like sleeping with no underwear or letting me shave her privates. She reacts like I have suggested her going out butt naked and getting gangbanged by ten guys. :scratchhead: 

She once told me that she was more sexual when young but now she's done experimenting in sex and that's it.

I will break up with her, but she's studying for a big exam that's due in a few months so I don't want to leave her now.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

while i am of the mind that its my "job" per say as the male of the household to "initiate" the majority of the time, i dont have to all the time. 
that being said, having to pester your partner for sex is ridiculous and like everyone has said it wont get better with time...UNLESS her low drive is because she is not attracted to you and that may or may not be something you can change. if it is "fixable" then yes, it will change the frequency. it did for me. not sure about the quality, though. i dont have (nor have we ever had) that problem with my W.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Those things... sleeping nude, shaving her private parts, etc may be uncomfortable to her.
And she surely isn't wrong for being uncomfortable about things.
I would imagine there are things you feel uncomfortable with as well.

I think it would be most upstanding, and show the most integrity, for you to break up with her now.
Don't string her along, continuing to get sex (good or bad) from her when you know you plan to end the relationship.

She's a woman.
An attractive, young woman?
Finding a new mate wouldn't take her more than a week or two i'd imagine.
And she could probably study better in a less sexually stressful environment, since she has a lower drive.

And you sound like an attractive young guy
So you can find a higher drive woman so you can function better in a more sexual environment.

Sometimes we're just not compatible.
But that doesn't make anyone wrong.

You're just wrong for her.
And she is wrong for you.


RFguy said:


> I feel she's wrong.
> 
> I would accept her being LD. What I do not accept is that she won't even try improving. I have suggested many things to spice our sex life, even ridiculously simple ones, like sleeping with no underwear or letting me shave her privates. She reacts like I have suggested her going out butt naked and getting gangbanged by ten guys. :scratchhead:
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

RFguy said:


> I feel she's wrong.


Mr. RF Guy,

Many not accept you saying that, and will drill it into your brain that YOU're wrong... 

...I am not one of them though 



> I would accept her being LD. *What I do not accept is that she won't even try improving. *


I am LD too, but my wife will testify that I am always trying to improve myself. I know she need the sex and intimacy, so these days I always do my best to fulfill her needs.

I understand that you're not upset with her LD-ness. Long time ago, my wife weren't upset too, she was kind of accepting that I only feels like having sex every once in a while...until we didn't have sex for a year (yes, my fault, I was lazy, and getting lazier and lazier.. I was getting too comfortable of not being asked to have sex)... then one day she really get pissed of and yelled at me, which absolutely totally made me realize what a selfish person i was.

So, from up until that day I always try my very best to improve our sex life. I made serious effort. Now we're regularly having sex every month, usually about 3 to 4 times a month. I found a food supplement which helped me to get better stamina. I also learn to psych myself better, so that I could get an erection (takes awhile, but it does work most of the time) even when I was initially not in the mood. While waiting for erection to come, I improve my foreplaying, so yes, she's getting all the benefit.

Therefore, I totally understand you're upset that she's not making efforts to improve herself. It is as if she value her LD-ness more than valuing you, which is a bit selfish, considering you could more-or-less understand her LD-ness.



> She once told me that she was more sexual when young but now she's done experimenting in sex and that's it.


:lol: This one, I think, is one of the major reason why you're upset. She was more sexual before she's with you. WHY ON EARTH she cannot be more sexual after she has you, a person who loves her. It is as if she's saying "So what? my wild sexuality is not for you!!". 

Again, I can understand that it wasn't her LD-ness that bothers you, it's her selfishness. Am I correct?



> I will break up with her, but she's studying for a big exam that's due in a few months so I don't want to leave her now.


Yea, this is a right course of action, and many here has already suggested likewise.

Just make sure you don't feel guilty for the breakup. You're doing both of you a favor.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

RFguy said:


> I feel she's wrong.
> 
> I would accept her being LD. What I do not accept is that she won't even try improving. I have suggested many things to spice our sex life, even ridiculously simple ones, like sleeping with no underwear or letting me shave her privates. She reacts like I have suggested her going out butt naked and getting gangbanged by ten guys. :scratchhead:
> 
> ...


I think you're doing the right thing.

I didn't think this was a HD v. LD issue either. Even LD people when they have sex are willing to consider new positions, lingerie, and other things between the couple to spice up intimacy. I thought, and you've confirmed this in the post I just quoted, your problem is more that she's prudish and inhibited than you'd like. She's not open to even the slightest change in her sex life. The things you're suggesting are really not that wild. It's not like you're suggesting a threesome or hardcore BDSM.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

If you can smoothly break it off (living arrangements, etc.); do it now because they'll always be a reason to put if off. Good luck!


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> If you can smoothly break it off (living arrangements, etc.); do it now because they'll always be a reason to put if off. Good luck!


You are right about putting it off. But I do not want to interfere with her success at this point. I have set the date of exam as the abolute maximum time for breaking up.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

RFguy said:


> She once told me that she was more sexual when young but now she's done experimenting in sex and that's it.


Yes, I married a girl like that...I can tell you it will not improve. Do not marry this girl OR get her pregnant.



RFguy said:


> I will break up with her, but she's studying for a big exam that's due in a few months so I don't want to leave her now.


So you are going to suck it up and jerk off for a while longer. Why delay what you know to be inevitable? Far better now than even closer to her exam.


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

I am sure that when I drop her the break-up bomb she will be genuinely dumbfounded. She won't understand the reasons I am leaving her.

Even though she herself has admitted in the past that we are mismatched sexually, I believe she does not fully comprehend the gravity of the situation and the roots of my frustration. And she will think that I am unreasonable for wanting to break up with her.

I have tried many many times in the past to make her understand. But whenever I started talking to her about these maters she would become defensive at first, then clam up and get angry at me. So now I do not try anymore, it is no use.

I look forward to the day of the exams. It will be the day of my liberation. It has been eating me inside for too long....


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

ruuuuunnnnn foressssstttt ruuunnnnnnnnnn


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Do NOT tell her you are leaving her because she is no good in bed.*

If need be, lie. Just say you realise you are not good for her that she needs someone who can be more whatever she needs.

Do not leave her with hang-ups about how she is no good at sex. That wouldn't be nice.

Don't dump her. Just let her go, gently.

That way, you can just do one more nice thing for her and be a TAM hero, OK?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> *Do NOT tell her you are leaving her because she is no good in bed.*
> 
> If need be, lie. Just say you realise you are not good for her that she needs someone who can be more whatever she needs.
> 
> ...


I think she absolutely needs to know that this is about sex. Not telling her guarantees that she keeps dragging this problem into every successive relationship until someone has the courage to give her the bad news. She doesn't even have the option of working on it if she doesn't know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Cletus said:


> I think she absolutely needs to know that this is about sex. Not telling her guarantees that she keeps dragging this problem into every successive relationship until someone has the courage to give her the bad news. She doesn't even have the option of working on it if she doesn't know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Unless, of course, *she* really has no problem with sex?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He says he's been giving her the bad news for a long time now. She just refuses to do anything about it. So, I imagine she already knows. You can tell her anything you want (it's not you, it's me....) but she'll know deep down inside because she already knows you've been complaining. She just didn't think you'd actually dump her over it.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Unless, of course, *she* really has no problem with sex?


Then the OP isn't being honest with us and all bets are off.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

It sounds like it's time to end the relationship. You gave it a valiant effort, but from your description, she's not receptive and just blows you off even after you've had "the talk" several times. That's a red flag.

The fact is, you're sexually incompatible, and unless there are any other redeeming qualities about this relationship, it's best for you both to end it, because it sounds like it won't be improving any time soon, unless there's a magic pill to synch up your sex drives.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Then the OP isn't being honest with us and all bets are off.


He might be perfect for someone who is as into sex as much as he is and she might be perfect for someone who is as into sex as much as she is.

HE: "She doesn't want sex as much as me."
HER: "He wants sex way too often."

Both may well be right.

So no dumping just an agreement between two adults to go their own separate ways and seek a lover who is more compatible for them.

I still think that it is self-limiting for the OP to say that he values "good sex" ahead of a "good relationship."


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> He might be perfect for someone who is as into sex as much as he is and she might be perfect for someone who is as into sex as much as she is.
> 
> HE: "She doesn't want sex as much as me."
> HER: "He wants sex way too often."
> ...


Let's say our girlfriend in question is at the end of her third such relationship, keeps getting dumped, and is wondering why because all of her boyfriends were too polite to say "We're breaking up because you're a corpse between the sheets". 

Have you really saved her self esteem from any harm? I agree there's nothing wrong with the girl that a partner of equal sex drive won't fix, but she needs to know that in no unclear terms.

Now let's say he tells her point blank. The next relationship she gets into, she knows to look for the warning signs of impending disaster. Just maybe she decides to hash it out with her new beau before she's three years into a doomed relationship.

Sure, this is stuff we should all do all the time, but it's even more imperative the further away from the norm you find yourself. 

BTW, same goes for the dude. He needs to tell his next S.O. that he dumped his last girlfriend over sex, and that he'll do it again regardless of how much he likes her if the sex goes south.

My personal scars bias me pretty strongly towards brutal honesty on these things.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Mr. Cletus, I admire you, despite your scars, you still able to give objective opinion and advice *bowing*


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

Wow Cletus, you must be a mind reader!

I strongly suspect (from bits and pieces I have gathered here and there) that her last long term relationship ended for the same reason (again she was dumped by her then BF).

After that she had several relationships where she was dumped after a few dates. She's otherwise very pretty and a pleasant person, so the only reason all these relationships could have failed could be because of sex.

Before meeting me she was so frustrated that she told to herself that she's done with dating people.

I guess she was trying super extra hard with me to keep me. For the first few months she was initiating, wearing sexy lingerie and was more adventurous. We even tried anal (after me insisting) but it failed miserably. She was obviously uncomfortable doing it and didn't want me to loosen her with lube, fingers, (she hates lube anyway) etc so she rushed me to get it in. Of course it didn't end well and it wasn't my fault. I had anal with previous GFs so I know how to do it properly and without pain.

So yes, not only I will tell her that she sucks at sex but I will also suggest to seek counseling, else she will run into the same problems in all her future relationships.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Just FYI going forward: I read somewhere (you can try googling) that the majority of women do NOT like anal. It can also lead to tears and permanent dangers. Some (like me) just find the thought of it so unappealing that we will NEVER be open to trying it. Thankfully my H isn't interested either but if he asked I would tell him I'm willing to THINK about it if you will first let me stick a cucumber up your butt. Be prepared that my answer still might be no.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

RFguy said:


> I will start by saying that sex is very important for me. I can tolerate all kinds of crappy behavior from a GF as long as the sex is good and frequent.


Hm. I know you are just venting.

You are young, so you wont really believe me maybe - but eventually you may realize that good sex only follows from a good relationship.

'Crappy behavior' and friction leads to resentment which snowballs and intrudes and wedges in between 2 people in infinite ways. What I mean is - you will find that no.. you cant tolerate all kinds of crappy behavior BECAUSE it will ruin your sex life too - and it doesnt matter where it comes from.

In any case - sounds like you 2 are not a match.

Curious - did you have a GF before this? How did that go?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

RFguy said:


> Wow Cletus, you must be a mind reader!
> 
> I strongly suspect (from bits and pieces I have gathered here and there) that her last long term relationship ended for the same reason (again she was dumped by her then BF).
> 
> ...


Whoa there, fleabag. Not so fast.

There's nothing wrong with your girlfriend. She doesn't need counseling or a sex book or anything else, unless she feels these things are important.

She needs a better match for a mate, and you ain't it. She needs to know why you two aren't compatible so that she can make any necessary adjustments in her mating strategy to increase her chance of success - as do you, apparently.

She was willing to try anal - if I tried that on my woman, I'm not sure my testicles would ever descend again. Because it went poorly on one attempt doesn't make her bad at it.

It always takes two to untangle. Your girlfriend might be in for some rude awakenings about her sex life in the future, but so are you I very much suspect.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Cletus said:


> Whoa there, fleabag. Not so fast.
> ...It always takes two to untangle. Your girlfriend might be in for some rude awakenings about her sex life in the future, but so are you I very much suspect.


:smthumbup:


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

RFguy said:


> I will start by saying that sex is very important for me. *I can tolerate all kinds of crappy behavior from a GF as long as the sex is good and frequent*. Ideally I would like sex every other day but I could settle for less if it is good.


Well this is probably the core of the problem, if you are tolerating crap in order to get sex then you are basically handing over the entire agenda to your GF, you are letting her use sex as a weapon against you.

I don't think your concern is "shallow" at all, in fact I think it is quite deep.

As to this GF, I agree with others, you obviously are not compatible with each other in terms of sex drive, you will both be better off not committing your lives to each other since this is of primary importance to atleast one of you (you).


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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

RFguy said:


> I am sure that when I drop her the break-up bomb she will be genuinely dumbfounded. She won't understand the reasons I am leaving her.
> 
> Even though she herself has admitted in the past that we are mismatched sexually, I believe she does not fully comprehend the gravity of the situation and the roots of my frustration. And she will think that I am unreasonable for wanting to break up with her.
> 
> ...


I feel your pain buddy. I too am going through nearly the same thing right now but tack on another 5 years on the relationship and an engagement ring. Can only tell you to end it now cuz it's only gonna get worse. Read one of my past posts from sex in marriage and you'll get the picture.

I'm also in the downward spiral at the end of my relationship with what I think is a breakup talk only to end in more fighting and resentment. As of now still living together but as with you been eating me up inside of how this is all going to end. Hope there's light at end of tunnel for both of us. Good luck man!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RFguy said:


> Wow Cletus, you must be a mind reader!
> 
> I strongly suspect (from bits and pieces I have gathered here and there) that her last long term relationship ended for the same reason (again she was dumped by her then BF).
> 
> ...


After the not-so successful anal attempt, what did you tell her about? How did you talk about it? Did you press her a lot to try again?

I assume that the experience was painful for her. Is that right?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I can understand your frustration and resentment but it is not all of your GF fault. You take 50% because you were naive about what it takes to make a relationship work. It is important that you don't throw all of the problems onto your gf. Your role in this fail is that you failed to get out earlier. 

When you break up, do so with kindness and understanding. I didn't hear anything about love but I assume you loved her at one time. Out of love, don't be as careless and blameshifting as you have been in your posts here. I think if you don't look at your problems in this relationship, you may repeat mistakes and have the same outcome. 

Read some relationship books and put the advice to use. Your gf obviously had problems with sex and finding love..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

RFguy said:


> We even tried anal (after me insisting) but it failed miserably. She was obviously uncomfortable doing it and didn't want me to loosen her with lube, fingers, (she hates lube anyway) etc so she rushed me to get it in. Of course it didn't end well and it wasn't my fault. I had anal with previous GFs so I know how to do it properly and without pain.


I hate to tell you this, but just because you were able to do it with prior GFs without pain (at least as far as you know) DOESN'T mean that your polished technique would not be painful to her. Every person is unique.

I suspect there is some responsibility on both sides and we are hearing only one side of the story, but it does seem clear that the relationship does not have a future.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> I can understand your frustration and resentment but it is not all of your GF fault. You take 50% because you were naive about what it takes to make a relationship work. It is important that you don't throw all of the problems onto your gf. Your role in this fail is that you failed to get out earlier.
> [/size]



I don't think he was naive about what it took to make his relationship work. I think he was naive to move in with her thinking that was somehow going to make her change or somehow fix the problem. I'll never understand why some people think moving in together, having kids, or getting married is somehow going to solve existing problems in a relationship.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

Could it be that she is leaning to the other side. From your description she doesn't want to be touched down there, doesn't like receiving or giving oral, wants lights turned off (perhaps not to see you, she's thinking something else during it?) it could be the reason.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Suspecting said:


> Could it be that she is leaning to the other side. From your description she doesn't want to be touched down there, doesn't like receiving or giving oral, wants lights turned off (perhaps not to see you, she's thinking something else during it?) it could be the reason.


Or there could be some type of history of abuse or something.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

cletus, i love how you look at both side. I agree with others. there may be nothing wrong with her, the two are you are incompatible sexually and that is a very important aspect of a long term relationship for most people. Dont marry her and she damn sure shouldnt marry you. You stayed with someone whose sexual drive is not compatible with yours. take some responsibility for that. You aren't taking responsiblity for any part of this and that is concerning. even spouses who feel like the "victim" are contributing something to keep themselves in unhappy relationships, but it is easier to point the finger than to look in the mirror. So I give her the same advice I gave to you if she were here..........ruuuunnnnnnnn forrrrreessstttt ruuuuunnnn


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

Thank you all guys for your input! It is very helpful.

I like this forum because the advice is insightful. I had posted a similar OP onto another forum and the responses were:

-I am a pervert for wanting more sex
-I am not getting sex because I am an ******* and don't treat my GF well
-She doesn't like more sex but I have to respect that and stay with her whatsoever, else I am a jerk.

I was starting to question my sanity...


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

hmph. the only time sex isnt important is when you arent getting any. you arent a perv and shame on you if you shackle yourself to someone who isnt on the same page as you are when it comes to sex. lots of men treat their wives very well and they still arent getting any so that doesnt fly. lol


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

janesmith said:


> hmph. the only time sex isnt important is when you arent getting any. you arent a perv and shame on you if you shackle yourself to someone who isnt on the same page as you are when it comes to sex. lots of men treat their wives very well and they still arent getting any so that doesnt fly. lol


:iagree::smthumbup:

Mrs. Smith,

Very wise words!

All men those men complaining about not getting sex from their wives and starting to question their sanity (and being TOLD that they are perverts!) SHOULD listen to your advice.

I am happy to know that you're a woman, and yet you could give such good advice for men.

Many great women here in TAM, and fantastic men too, they gives good advice, it makes TAm worth every bandwith.

*standing bow*


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

I am thinking of having another talk with her tonight and then go to my parents house for a few weeks. 

I don't want to just leave her right after the exam. She will say (and maybe rightfully so) that I never told her anything is wrong. And since the talks didn't do anything in the past, I will also leave for a couple of weeks to drive the point home.

Does this sound like a good plan? Or am I just making things worse?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Leaving is probably a good idea. But I don't advise leaving her with the intention of going back, and then leaving for good. That's just toying with her.

Either leave now with the intention of staying away until after her exam, and then break up with her permanently, or stay and hold your tongue until after her exam.

You don't owe her anything. You've told her what the problem was. Multiple times. You're not married. She doesn't get it.

After you break up with her, you WILL be the bad guy. She will tell her friends and her family that you were either a pervert who could never be satisfied, or that you blindsided her with the breakup. You need to accept that. You can either be a happy bad guy with another woman, or a miserable good guy having too little sex with your girlfriend.

Good luck.


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## PeaceTrain (Jun 25, 2011)

aribabe said:


> I find your username and this post to be strangely ironic:rofl:


Never give up giving up


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

*I am going to break up with long term GF because of bad sex.*



Okay.


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

I am writing this from the computer in my old room at my parents house :smthumbup:

We had a talk and again she gave me the same old bullshiat. I told her that I am leaving and going to my parents for a while. Oh boy, she didn't take that well. She said a lot of stuff and as I was shutting the door she said that if I leave it's over.

Oh, whatever  I bet big bucks that she will call me in a couple of days crying to go back to her.

I somehow feel liberated now....


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

RFguy said:


> Oh, whatever  I bet big bucks that she will call me in a couple of days crying to go back to her.


What will you tell her when she does?


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

itskaren said:


> Dump her. You'll be doing HER a favor! I don't understand how she has lasted this long with you.


lol shows how the perspective changes when its a woman vs a man commenting. As if he was doing something wrong by trying to have passionate sex with his gf. Get a grip.

The other poster was right. They are not compatible and he should do them BOTH a favour and end it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

RF,
You do sound incompatible. Very much so. A couple observations for you to consider so that your next R doesn't end this way. 

You will find that over a long time horizon you will have libido differences with any partner. And that is ok. As I think you have discovered, effort, and mindset can bridge the gap. 

Decide early on what your show stoppers are. If you can't resolve them:
- within a year and
- before moving in or getting engaged, and at that point in time they a still show stoppers, stop the show
- I guarantee your previous 'talks' were not optimal unless they were: calm, focused on understanding what you could do to help her WANT to be more open and followed up by the right actions. Think of it as the loving compromise backed up by sincere behavior. 

Cause it sounds as if there has been a lot of positioning and point scoring going on. 
You: implying she is close minded, not adventurous, not caring, and maybe even bad in bed. Ouch.
Her: acting like your requests are freakish and outrageous

Examples:
- the I love you enough to accept bucket - and you say it that way
These are things that you will graciously let go of because they seem too hard for her. This should be a mix of acts and frequency 
- the 'and I believe you love me enough to accept' bucket
This should mention frequency as well as acts such as wearing a negligee
- the I need you to trust me enough to tell me what I am doing that feels good,bad and turns you on/off

The typical 'talk' you had resulted in her feeling criticized and you learning absolutely nothing about what was driving her behavior. 

You would complain, and then quickly resume chasing her which made her believe that it was safe to ignore your desires. And I keyed in on the negligee thing for a simple reason. There are a collection of coal mine canaries in any sexual relationship. The list below is only a few of them. But when the canary dies, the clock begins to tick in the background. The clock representing when your sexual relationship ends for all practical purposes. 
- she avoids your non sexual touch
- she avoids or refuses to really kiss you
- she ignores or refuses simple requests like wearing a negligee 
- she and you both get totally comfortable with her rejecting you multiple times in a row (occasional rejection is normal, sequential rejection is very different as is a high rejection rate)

On top of all this is one more giant factor. She is constantly communicating with you non verbally. That 'channel' is incredibly rich in content including some things she might be uncomfortable putting in words. And you yourself can, should and sometimes MUST broadcast on that channel. There are things she will accept via your body language she will reject if said in words. 

This doesn't mean you have done anything wrong. Nor that you are compatible. Just that you will achieve a much better outcome with your next GF this way. 




QUOTE=RFguy;1477698]I am writing this from the computer in my old room at my parents house :smthumbup:

We had a talk and again she gave me the same old bullshiat. I told her that I am leaving and going to my parents for a while. Oh boy, she didn't take that well. She said a lot of stuff and as I was shutting the door she said that if I leave it's over.

Oh, whatever  I bet big bucks that she will call me in a couple of days crying to go back to her.

I somehow feel liberated now....[/QUOTE]


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

RFguy said:


> I am writing this from the computer in my old room at my parents house :smthumbup:
> 
> We had a talk and again she gave me the same old bullshiat. I told her that I am leaving and going to my parents for a while. Oh boy, she didn't take that well. She said a lot of stuff and as I was shutting the door she said that if I leave it's over.
> 
> ...


I am not sure what has happened. Did you break up with her or not. Sounds like you had another argument and left for your parents house. 

This is not the actions of a man who knows what he wants. I don't understand what your plan is. Sounds like games to me.

RF this is no way to end a relationship. This is as much for you as it is for her. You seem irresolute. You are leaving the door open for R. 

Take this breather to think about what you want and the best way to go about it. Are you certain you want to break up? Think man. 

This scare may make her change temporarily but may not be sustained. if you want to stay then go to therapy give it a set period of time and make an exit. 

But if you are ready to leave now, make a clean cut.


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

All previous talks, including the last one didn't end well because after I voiced my concerns she was quick to accuse me that I am insensitive and that she has several problems and I don't care about that.

Her "problems" are what all adults in our age have and yet most people manage to get along fine and do not make such a fuss about.

As for the canaries, yes they were all there in one form or another

*- she avoids your non sexual touch*

I wouldn't say she actively avoids, but she is mostly indifferent and does not reciprocate. This actually peeved me from the first week we were together but somehow I pushed it to the back of my head.

And another example from yesterday, just a few hours before the break-up: She was sitting on my lap and I was kissing her on the neck and touching her all over the body in a sexual way. And as I was immersed in the moment and had my eyes closed, I hear her laughing and saying: "Ha ha ha, look what the dog is doing" (we have a small puppy). And I am like 

*- she avoids or refuses to really kiss you*

I don't think this one was true, but another thing that peeved me was that she would kiss me on the mouth but only very very rarely, when she was super horny, would use her tongue. I asked her to do it more often but again it fell on deaf ears 

*- she ignores or refuses simple requests like wearing a negligee*

It wasn't a negligee, but sexy undies that I had bought her for the previous Valentine's (2012). I asked a couple of times but she said they are too uncomfortable. Eventually she worn them just once, after six months on her own.

And I have asked her for other ridiculously simple things and she has refused. For example, I love it when she does her hair in pigtails (the simple ones, not braided). All it takes is two rubber bands and 30 seconds of her time, but she wouldn't be arsed to do it.

*- she and you both get totally comfortable with her rejecting you multiple times in a row (occasional rejection is normal, sequential rejection is very different as is a high rejection rate)
*

Yep, this too.


Now that I think of it, I could cope with low quality, low frequency sex. What I cannot deal with is the little things like the ponytails and that thing with the dog. I also just now realized I used past tense to describe my relationship. I guess it is not just a temporary separation, it is over for good.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

If she does come after you to come back and you do go back you had better btter know every wild thing you want to do and do it ASAP,because things will get back to normal very soon.

I don't think anybody wants to be told they are not sexual enough because it sounds bad in front of the friends,so she may come on to you in a big way but as I said it will not last and use protection.


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

No, I'm done. I will go back in a few days and pack my stuff and that's it.

I want to thank everybody for the great advice. I would simply postpone the inevitable without it and feel like shiat the whole time.

This relationship was draining my happiness. I already feel much better and free.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RFguy said:


> I am writing this from the computer in my old room at my parents house :smthumbup:
> 
> We had a talk and again she gave me the same old bullshiat. I told her that I am leaving and going to my parents for a while. Oh boy, she didn't take that well. She said a lot of stuff and as I was shutting the door she said that if I leave it's over.
> 
> ...


Yeah! That showed her what a real manly man you are! 

*You ran back to your mummy and daddy!* :wtf:

I mean this as a serious question... I wonder if you are ready for a real, adult relationship, yet?


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Yeah! That showed her what a real manly man you are!
> 
> *You ran back to your mummy and daddy!* :wtf:
> 
> I mean this as a serious question... I wonder if you are ready for a real, adult relationship, yet?


Well, I had to go somewhere. If my parents didn't have a spare room I would go to a hotel or a friend's house.

I don't understand why you find it so weird. I am not dependent on my parents, I simply went to live in their house for a while until I figure what to do next.

In any case it is nice to have loving parents who will support you when things get rough.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

RFguy said:


> I am thinking of having another talk with her tonight and then go to my parents house for a few weeks.
> 
> I don't want to just leave her right after the exam. She will say (and maybe rightfully so) that I never told her anything is wrong. And since the talks didn't do anything in the past, I will also leave for a couple of weeks to drive the point home.
> 
> Does this sound like a good plan? Or am I just making things worse?


That was OK and make sense, but...



> I am writing this from the computer in my old room at my parents house
> 
> We had a talk and again she gave me the same old bullshiat. I told her that I am leaving and going to my parents for a while. Oh boy, she didn't take that well. She said a lot of stuff and as I was shutting the door she said that if I leave it's over.
> 
> ...


But you weren't being very nice with her. It hurts. I am a man and yet I could feel that she's hurting.

You could actually broke up with her in a nicer, kinder, gentler way.

But, whatever done is done. It's better if the two of you go your separate ways anyway.

Maybe it's just me, but still I think an apology is in order. Not for breaking up, but something along the lines of "My sincerest apology for not being able to the best boyfriend that I can be".

When she actually calling you and trying to get back to you, I recommend you to be the at your gentlest, kindest behavior, and emphasize that you don't want to get back together because of incompatibility, and because you'd rather be good friends with her.

Not because someone is pulling a Bait and Switch.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

dubbizle said:


> If she does come after you to come back and you do go back you had better btter know every wild thing you want to do and do it ASAP,because things will get back to normal very soon.
> 
> I don't think anybody wants to be told they are not sexual enough because it sounds bad in front of the friends,so she may come on to you in a big way but as I said it will not last and use protection.


You're not suggesting that he use her for a little wild sex before he dumps her are you? She does have feelings and I am certain you understand would be crushed by such undeserved treatment. 

I agree with JLB, there is no reason to be unkind. 

I think you have as much work to do on your relationship acumen as she does. I don't think you have a reason to treat her with disrespect. Make it a considerate break and let it go.


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## BridgeOfHeartaches (Feb 17, 2013)

Sounds like you're dating my ex: totally uncomfortable with sex and with her own body. First year, sex was ok because was still part of the novelty. She made an effort that she feels she no longer has to make. Yes, it was an effort. She herself does not enjoy sex, apparently.This is not a matter of couple therapy...it is of individual therapy for her, and it will take a long time. 
If you marry her, you will be just another guy in a sexless marriage.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> Yeah! That showed her what a real manly man you are!
> 
> *You ran back to your mummy and daddy!* :wtf:
> 
> I mean this as a serious question... I wonder if you are ready for a real, adult relationship, yet?


Good point. Real men, who are adults, prostrate themselves to their girlfriends. Obviously, any sexual hangups his girlfriend had were his fault. If he had just served her more faithfully, the relationship would still be going strong.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Why exactly are people ragging on him for going to his parents because he's ending his relationship with the girlfriend he lives with and needs a place to stay temporarily? He's fortunate he had a place to go. Something tells me if the genders had been reversed in this situation no one would have had a negative thing to say.

Anyway I don't think you need to apologize to her for anything and I'm also not understanding why people are saying you were somehow out of line the way you left. You actually didn't elaborate on what was said much at all.

The sooner you get your stuff and move out the better. This situation isn't going to get any better.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dub,
This suggestion is for him to be abusive of her fear reaction. 





dubbizle said:


> If she does come after you to come back and you do go back you had better btter know every wild thing you want to do and do it ASAP,because things will get back to normal very soon.
> 
> I don't think anybody wants to be told they are not sexual enough because it sounds bad in front of the friends,so she may come on to you in a big way but as I said it will not last and use protection.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

OP:

The sooner you make a clear, clean permanent break with ex-gf the better! If her huge exam was upcoming in the next week or 2, I could see your concern. But it isn't even going to happen for MONTHS! That is a LONG time to leave this situation hanging.

Who is going to live where (give up the new house? you keep it? she keeps it?) should be addressed as soon as possible.

Please try to be respectful of her when you break up for a couple of reasons: (1) at one time you did LOVE this woman; out of respect for what you had, be kind (2) you will be able to look back on this time of your life with more respect for yourself if you treat her kindly (perhaps more kindly than she will treat you...that is HER choice).

There is a BIG difference between LYING to her about why you're breaking up (as MattMatt suggested) and telling her point-blank "you suck at sex" as YOU suggested. Remember, your opinion is as correct and valuable as hers AND VICE VERSA. The very point that you no longer WANT to continue in the relationship is REASON ENOUGH to end it.

You can simply say, "(name), this is not the relationship I see for myself any more. My needs have become more clear to me and I do not find this relationship addressing my needs in the way I want. It doesn't mean I hate you, or that you're a bad person, or that I'm a bad person. We're two people who want different things, and we're not compatible."

If she WANTS to know what is NOT compatible, just tell her "We're not compatible sexually, and time is NOT going to change that. If time COULD change things, it would have in the X years we've already been together."

Move on, OP, and learn the lessons!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

RF,
There is nothing wrong with going to your parents house. You needed space. 

Does she pay half the rent? Are both your names on the lease?





RFguy said:


> Well, I had to go somewhere. If my parents didn't have a spare room I would go to a hotel or a friend's house.
> 
> I don't understand why you find it so weird. I am not dependent on my parents, I simply went to live in their house for a while until I figure what to do next.
> 
> In any case it is nice to have loving parents who will support you when things get rough.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

itskaren said:


> Dump her. You'll be doing HER a favor! I don't understand how she has lasted this long with you.


It's because he provides resources so that she can live a better material life. She is either really LD or Note that:

1. Her provision of sex dropped right after the house was purchased. The chance this was a coincidence is negligible.

2. She complains about being pestered for sex. Then when he gives her the space she wants nothing improves. The issue is deeper, she's not working on it, and claims this is ok for her

He needs to get out and find someone who really wants him. Right now he's just being used. If she is a security seeker, at some point she will press for marriage, and he will have to get out anyways.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

aribabe said:


> Dumping her would be the best idea. Both of you would be much happier in other relationships.
> 
> You seem to have a very high drive.
> She seems to have a lower drive.
> ...


I don't think she's fed up. This works for her (she does not see a problem).


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> It's not right to demonize a LD person because they do not have a HD or because they do not want to just have duty sex.
> 
> The OP in this case is wrong in giving his obviously LD gf a bad time because their sex drives do not match. And she's wrong for giving him a bad time out his higher drive. BOTH ARE WRONG. And both have every right to be who they are.


Yeah, but there is more to it than this. The gf kept up with him until right after they bought a home, then she started complaining or protesting.

That suggests either a base level of dishonesty (it's okay to pretend to want it for personal gain) or self-centeredness (he owes he a good life for having been with him). Those characteristics of hers are personality flaws and more problematic than the disparity in sex drive.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

RFguy said:


> I feel she's wrong.
> 
> I would accept her being LD. What I do not accept is that she won't even try improving. I have suggested many things to spice our sex life, even ridiculously simple ones, like sleeping with no underwear or letting me shave her privates. She reacts like I have suggested her going out butt naked and getting gangbanged by ten guys. :scratchhead:
> 
> ...


Yeah, that seems like a lot of caretaking. She can get an apartment and still study for her exam. It's not like you are neutral to her; you are unhappy. Why put yourself out there for someone who uses you?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Cletus said:


> I think she absolutely needs to know that this is about sex. Not telling her guarantees that she keeps dragging this problem into every successive relationship until someone has the courage to give her the bad news. She doesn't even have the option of working on it if she doesn't know.


Dude, she knows that this is an issue; that's why she said nothing until the move-in was complete.

My ex-wife told me she knew if she was honest about her thoughts on the intimate life I wanted, I would have left. She wanted what she wanted and the ends justified the means.

This sounds about the same.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Cletus said:


> Whoa there, fleabag. Not so fast.
> 
> There's nothing wrong with your girlfriend. She doesn't need counseling or a sex book or anything else, unless she feels these things are important.
> 
> She needs a better match for a mate, and you ain't it. She needs to know why you two aren't compatible so that she can make any necessary adjustments in her mating strategy to increase her chance of success - as do you, apparently.


Maybe she does need help or maybe she doesn't. It depends on why she is so inhibited. That she seeks security and is willing to remain committed to someone she does not want is troubling.

What does need help is her seeming willingness to be dishonest about her sexual preferences in order to have a relationship. The truth is being sexually inhibited (especially at a young age) is going to cut into her dating pool quite a bit. From what's been said, she is perhaps uncomfortable being alone. That's never a good thing, but especially bad with someone who needs to be really careful with her choice in partners.


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

john_lord_b3 said:


> That was OK and make sense, but...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I thought again about it and decided against leaving, only having a talk. I started telling her that I love her dearly and she is very good to me but the sex thing is the only thorn in our relationship. I then mentioned some specific incidents that hurt me (I have posted all of them in this thread). 

She then became agressive. She didn't adress any of the incidents I mentioned earlier and said that I have all my other problems solved and my only problem is sex, while she has several (apparently more important) problems and then she called me insensitive.

That's when I left the house. I couldn't take it anymore. I was very angered because, as in the previous talks, she steered the conversation towards herself while completely ignoring me and my feelings. That's her. Whenever she has some problem, even if it is just a mere inconvenience, the whole world has to bow down to her. How many times I had to endure her cries because a coleague at work said something she didn't like. Me on the other hand always kept my work related problems to myself. There were times I couldn't sleep from some problem but I didn't tell her anything.

I will send her an email explaining why I left her. I can't tell her face to face because she gets very angry and starts insulting me.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

RF,
This is a good post. Her biggest issue by far is that she is selfish, self centered and totally inconsiderate of you. 

Smart to leave. And smart to communicate by email. 

That said, you need to write the email in such a way that if she showed it to a future girl friend of yours, you wouldn't mind at all. It should be short. Very short. 

You can politely mention that you wish she had acted the same way before you moved in and after, as you would have realized how incompatible you two are. 

Wish her luck and tell her you love her and will miss her. 

Seriously. You don't want to send her something she can hurt you with in the future. 




RFguy said:


> I thought again about it and decided against leaving, only having a talk. I started telling her that I love her dearly and she is very good to me but the sex thing is the only thorn in our relationship. I then mentioned some specific incidents that hurt me (I have posted all of them in this thread).
> 
> She then became agressive. She didn't adress any of the incidents I mentioned earlier and said that I have all my other problems solved and my only problem is sex, while she has several (apparently more important) problems and then she called me insensitive.
> 
> ...


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> RF,
> This is a good post. Her biggest issue by far is that she is selfish, self centered and totally inconsiderate of you.
> 
> Smart to leave. And smart to communicate by email.
> ...


:iagree: excellent idea!


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

RFguy said:


> I thought again about it and decided against leaving, only having a talk. I started telling her that I love her dearly and she is very good to me but the sex thing is the only thorn in our relationship. I then mentioned some specific incidents that hurt me (I have posted all of them in this thread).
> 
> She then became agressive. She didn't adress any of the incidents I mentioned earlier and said that I have all my other problems solved and my only problem is sex, while she has several (apparently more important) problems and then she called me insensitive.
> 
> ...


Ah, see, told ya..

It's not the LD-ness,

It's the SELFISH-ness that killed your love.

Now go write that nice e-mail, and lay off girls and sex for a year  (kidding)

After you're ready to go back to dating again, remember all these good advice you receive here


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Someone needs to help RF with getting through this break up. He can't seem to break away. I see a marriage and kids in his future and much unhappiness. 

He wants to do it but he is a caring guy. He does not know how to care, but do what is best out of love, endure the pain for a bit then embrace a bright future. He needs help. I don't know the right things to say.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

RF,
Is that short for 'radio frequency' or something else?

I noticed a quantitative analysis in one of your posts, so I figured you for a scientist or engineer. 

You need to start over fresh. I infer that your career is progressing nicely. You won't have trouble finding someone compatible. And in that new R, you are going to avoid repeating the mistakes that brought you to this disaster you are in. 

There is a science to this. And while people are very variable, certain laws of relationship physics apply. Defy them over time at your extreme peril. 




RFguy said:


> I thought again about it and decided against leaving, only having a talk. I started telling her that I love her dearly and she is very good to me but the sex thing is the only thorn in our relationship. I then mentioned some specific incidents that hurt me (I have posted all of them in this thread).
> 
> She then became agressive. She didn't adress any of the incidents I mentioned earlier and said that I have all my other problems solved and my only problem is sex, while she has several (apparently more important) problems and then she called me insensitive.
> 
> ...


----------



## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Someone needs to help RF with getting through this break up. He can't seem to break away. I see a marriage and kids in his future and much unhappiness.
> 
> He wants to do it but he is a caring guy. He does not know how to care, but do what is best out of love, endure the pain for a bit then embrace a bright future. He needs help. I don't know the right things to say.


I don't know what are you talking about, the relationship is over and I have no regrets about my decision. I do feel some pain though, but then I think about all the pain she has caused me over the last two years and I am sure that I did the right thing.

*MEM11363*,yes, RF does indeed refer to Radio Frequency. My carreer has its ups and downs but generally I can't complain. I am a bit out of shape but I still turn women's heads (GF was really jealous about that). But for the time being I do not want another R. I am going to do some stuff for myself, hit the gym, ride my motorcycle, maybe some vacation time.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

DTO,
The 'buy house' sexual crash thing has a couple possible reasons:
- increasing relationship stability reduced her desire
- he was suddenly initiating sex every day regardless of her non verbal signals and despite feeling crowded and rejecting him a lot he kept on - this will kill most women's desire

It is way too easy to dump all this at the woman's feet. It might not belong there. 



DTO said:


> It's because he provides resources so that she can live a better material life. She is either really LD or Note that:
> 
> 1. Her provision of sex dropped right after the house was purchased. The chance this was a coincidence is negligible.
> 
> ...


----------



## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

By the way, we didn't buy the house, we just rent.

Although at first I didn't want to admit there is a problem, I was seeing all the red flags and deep down this made me reluctant to commit any further.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> RF,
> This is a good post. Her biggest issue by far is that she is selfish, self centered and totally inconsiderate of you.
> 
> Smart to leave. And smart to communicate by email.
> ...


Agree, esp. that last part about not writing something that can be used against you later.

I would suggest you keep it to:

(1) You envision being in a reciprocal relationship. What you have now is not that. There is neither support nor from her

(2) She refuses to address significant issues caused by her and for which you need her help to resolve. Moreover, she demands you let her slide on behaviors and issues that have nothing to do with you.

That's it. As good as it may feel to blast her on what a lousy lay she is, that's a hot button issue and best avoided on paper. She'll know what you mean, and if someone else does see it you can legitimately say that the sex is just the most obvious symptom of her distasteful underlying behavior and attitude.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> DTO,
> The 'buy house' sexual crash thing has a couple possible reasons:
> - increasing relationship stability reduced her desire
> - he was suddenly initiating sex every day regardless of her non verbal signals and despite feeling crowded and rejecting him a lot he kept on - this will kill most women's desire
> ...


Good points, and made me think.

For the first point, this woman (with what's been revealed here) seems like a taker. She may have pushed to move in together; if he didn't the arguments would be different ("so, you'll sleep with me but don't want to be close to me that much?").

For the second point, it's possible. But, the drop in sex coincided with the move-in. Seems to me it would have taken at least several weeks to a couple of months for the resentment to set in.

I'm still going with the STBX having planned this out.


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

I am back with her now.

We talked two days ago. She was devastated and said that she didn't know I felt like that for so long. She promished that she will change. I reluctantly agreed to come back under the condition that we go to a MC as soon as possible. She agreed about the MC, athough she said that only couples that never ever have sex go there. I am sure that had I mentioned the MC before I left the house she would get angry and/or laugh at me.

I am not sure I made the right decision by going back. We had good sex these days but still I feel something is missing. I love her dearly, but as somebody said in another thread, if sex is so hard to get that early into the relationship, imagine what it is going to be 10 years down the road.

I feel I have made some mistakes of my own in this relationship so I am willing to give her a second chance and I hope with the help of MC things will get better. If not, I will not hesitate to leave her a second time, this one for good.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

RF,
There are a few 'truths' that you are going to have to come to accept if you want to maintain a happy, balanced, and mutually loving relationship. 

What you want - cannot be achieved using your old communication model. Zero chance of success. 

If your GF is like most women, the following generalizations are equally likely:
- she is shorter/physically weaker than you are 
- and is far more skilled at using 'words', tone of voice, facial expressions and body language. On top of that, she has a built in radar system that pings you with signals on a regular basis to get a clear picture of your position and heading with regard to her.

This extra built in circuitry was natures evolutionary answer to the disparity in male size, strength and mobility. In general a hunter gatherer lifestyle is tough. While pregnant, WAY tougher. 

If you want a happy, balanced relationship you need to observe her and learn what she does. 

If you want a specific real world example of this let me know. I will link back to a post I made last year. 













QUOTE=RFguy;1492979]I am back with her now.

We talked two days ago. She was devastated and said that she didn't know I felt like that for so long. She promished that she will change. I reluctantly agreed to come back under the condition that we go to a MC as soon as possible. She agreed about the MC, athough she said that only couples that never ever have sex go there. I am sure that had I mentioned the MC before I left the house she would get angry and/or laugh at me.

I am not sure I made the right decision by going back. We had good sex these days but still I feel something is missing. I love her dearly, but as somebody said in another thread, if sex is so hard to get that early into the relationship, imagine what it is going to be 10 years down the road.

I feel I have made some mistakes of my own in this relationship so I am willing to give her a second chance and I hope with the help of MC things will get better. If not, I will not hesitate to leave her a second time, this one for good.[/QUOTE]


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## rumen.hristov (Mar 5, 2013)

In my opinion you should not be braking up with that woman. You two have progressed way too far. Having sex with someone is not just something common. One has to be very committed to let you enjoy his/her body. Just looking at it from this perspective, I think it's obvious(at least for me it is) that you own this woman a continued effort to do things right and reconsider what you've done wrong, instead of just "dumping" her. She has put a lot into this relationship, you have put a lot into it as well. The only thing that remains(in my opinion) is for you two to continue with each other and work towards a better communication and life together, instead of you just dumping her.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Thankfully you are leaving her and not staying. If only more people would do the same and avoid marriage with a person they are not compatible with. Sex is a huge issue and the two partners should be on the same page with it, I am surprised you lasted this long as it bothers you so much. Nevertheless good idea ending it best of luck


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> RF,
> This is a good post. Her biggest issue by far is that she is selfish, self centered and totally inconsiderate of you.
> 
> Smart to leave. And smart to communicate by email.
> ...




Wow! I just totally disagree with you! How on earth can you say that she is selfish? The bloke is a right jerk if you ask me and she is so much better off without him, IMO. So interesting how views are so different on this.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Do they not have sarcasm down under?


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Do they not have sarcasm down under?


Sorry! Didn't get it. And BTW I am English!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

itskaren said:


> Wow! I just totally disagree with you! How on earth can you say that she is selfish? The bloke is a right jerk if you ask me and she is so much better off without him, IMO. So interesting how views are so different on this.


You did read the original post, right? She's cut the quantity and quality of sex down to almost nothing. She refuses to consider any of his requests in the bedroom. And he's the jerk? OK.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> You did read the original post, right? She's cut the quantity and quality of sex down to almost nothing. She refuses to consider any of his requests in the bedroom. And he's the jerk? OK.


Yes he is.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> You did read the original post, right? She's cut the quantity and quality of sex down to almost nothing. She refuses to consider any of his requests in the bedroom. And he's the jerk? OK.




Anyway, I thought that she was not comfortable with me yet and/or inexperienced and if we moved in together things would go better with time. Boy was I wrong! Immediately after moving in the new house, there was a sharp decline in quality and frequency of sex. We were down to 2-3 times per week or less(from 4-5) and that after me pestering her all the time. The worse was that now sex was not spontaneous, but pushed late at night, right before we would go to bed. To me that seemed like she's dealing with sex like it is something mechanical that has to be done, like brushing her teeth before bedtime.






He has stated that sex was 2-3 times a week not nothing as you put it!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

=itskaren
What is it about his original post/subsequent posts that you perceive as selfish? 

I am genuinely curious. 





1511472]Wow! I just totally disagree with you! How on earth can you say that she is selfish? The bloke is a right jerk if you ask me and she is so much better off without him, IMO. So interesting how views are so different on this.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> =itskaren
> What is it about his original post/subsequent posts that you perceive as selfish?
> 
> I am genuinely curious.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

Obviously sex 2-3 times a week is not enough for him. It is for her therefore they are not compatable, so they split. I get it. I honestly find all of this just unbelieveable. Maybe it is me. I would kick him out myself if it was me not the other way around! And she is upset????


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

itskaren said:


> He has stated that sex was 2-3 times a week not nothing as you put it!


You should have kept reading. Later in the same post, he wrote:


> These happened about two years ago. ... The frequency has dropped down to once every week and thats her initiating most of the time. And let's not talk about quality. I have come to the point where I prefer masturbating to porn than having sex with her. What peeves me is that she doesn't even want to try to improve anything.


So, he's at once a week of his girlfriend hating him with her vagina. She probably sees this as the bare minimum required to stop him from leaving her. Therefore, that's what she's willing to provide. Sounds selfish to me.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Gotcha. You know, if more women were as up front as you are with their aversion to men, we would see far fewer issues on this board.
> 
> If the OP's girlfriend had told him the truth early in their relationship, that she wasn't interested in satisfying his sexual needs, he could have saved himself a lot of time and trouble. As it is, he just kept trying to jump through hoops that she invented to avoid being honest.
> 
> I say, go with honesty. Tell your boyfriend that you intend to condemn him to a life of celibacy. Of course, you'll get dumped. But, you won't have to fight about sex for the next several years.


But relationships to me are just not about sex. It is about many elements. I find it hard to believe that having sex 2-3 times a week is not enough for him.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> You should have kept reading. Later in the same post, he wrote:
> 
> So, he's at once a week of his girlfriend hating him with her vagina. She probably sees this as the bare minimum required to stop him from leaving her. Therefore, that's what she's willing to provide. Sounds selfish to me.




Apologies! I missed that.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

itskaren said:


> But relationships to me are just not about sex. It is about many elements. I find it hard to believe that having sex 2-3 times a week is not enough for him.


We're just misunderstanding. If the OP was having sex 2-3 times a week, and the sex was enjoyable, then I would agree that he should probably be satisfied.

But that's not his situation. He gets it once a week and it's lame. That's not OK.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> We're just misunderstanding. If the OP was having sex 2-3 times a week, and the sex was enjoyable, then I would agree that he should probably be satisfied.
> 
> But that's not his situation. He gets it once a week and it's lame. That's not OK.


Yep I agree. Sorry worked a 12 night shift in ED last night and can't sleep today too hot! Not thinking straight


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Your relationship with your brother is not about sex.
> Your relationship with your father is not about sex.
> Your relationship with your neighbor is not about sex.
> Your relationship with your friend is not about sex.
> ...


Fair point!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sorry, I deleted. Didn't want to be that harsh. Perhaps you meant "not just" when you wrote "just not".


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Sorry, I deleted. Didn't want to be that harsh. Perhaps you meant "not just" when you wrote "just not".


Yes I did mean ''not just'' .  I can't get the 'wave the white flag' icon!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Karen,
It is possible that there is some merit to point about him being "selfish". 

A large chunk of the male population has a very difficult time reaching a happy equilibrium with a female partner. 

The first 100 threads that I read about a frequency crash immediately after moving in together all produced the same conclusion for me: deception and/or selfishness.

Then I read enough 'rare' threads written by LD partners who came on here and posted. Most of them had a common theme: 
- emotional smothering and/or
- sexual smothering

Either way, the LD person feels pressured for way more intimacy than they want. It kills desire fast. 

In some cases it is more clear cut. For some folks, just knowing they have 'caught you' kills their desire. 


QUOTE=itskaren;1511523]Yep I agree. Sorry worked a 12 night shift in ED last night and can't sleep today too hot! Not thinking straight [/QUOTE]


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

To RF, I have to wonder does your girlfriend think you are good in bed? She has obviously had other partners before you.

Have you asked her that? Maybe you just aren't turning her on?


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

Tigger said:


> To RF, I have to wonder does your girlfriend think you are good in bed? She has obviously had other partners before you.
> 
> Have you asked her that? Maybe you just aren't turning her on?


He has said that 'he turns women's heads'' so according to him he must be gods gift to women!


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## Rakkasan (Mar 4, 2013)

Man, I envy you your situation. You can leave. Leave! Life sucks if your emotional needs are not being met, even if you are with a person you love. Leave now.


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

RFguy said:


> I am back with her now.
> 
> We talked two days ago. She was devastated and said that she didn't know I felt like that for so long. She promished that she will change. I reluctantly agreed to come back under the condition that we go to a MC as soon as possible. She agreed about the MC, athough she said that only couples that never ever have sex go there. I am sure that had I mentioned the MC before I left the house she would get angry and/or laugh at me.
> 
> ...



The good sex didn't last more than two weeks. She's back in her old ways now.

Yesterday we were watching an episode of Californication on TV. Inspired by the TV show (for those who haven't seen it, its a tv series where everyone is having wild kinky sex with everyone else  ), at one point I mentioned that I would like sometime to photograph her naked.

She quickly replied that there's no way she's letting me do this, but then asked me apologeticaly if she was too dismissive.

I replied that I am used to it by now. Then she got angry, she said that I am resenting her and gave me the silent treatment.

Maybe my comment was rude, but it is 100% true. Anything that is even slightly naughtier than plain vanilla sex will be rejected. I have made several suggestions over the years to spice things up but she won't play along.

Needless to say, this is not my idea of what sex should be in a long term relationship.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

RFguy said:


> The good sex didn't last more than two weeks. She's back in her old ways now.
> 
> Yesterday we were watching an episode of Californication on TV. Inspired by the TV show (for those who haven't seen it, its a tv series where everyone is having wild kinky sex with everyone else  ), at one point I mentioned that I would like sometime to photograph her naked.
> 
> ...


Have you read "Married Man Sex life Primer"?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

On the topic of naked photos, she's smart not to let anyone take naked photos of her. It's just plain too risky a thing to do.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

RFguy said:


> Needless to say, this is not my idea of what sex should be in a long term relationship.


Yes, but (unfortunately) it lines up with her values just fine. Most likely, the only thing wrong with the sex life (from her perspective) is that you keep trying to change it.

By that, I mean (given it's been years that she's been resisting your sexual advances) that her sexual inhibitions are most likely internal to her. It's not a matter of you turning her off (she still wants to spend time with you, right?).

I haven't read the whole thread, so I might be repeating someone. But, at this point you need to figure out what you need from this marriage (sexually) to be happy. You can run the MMSL or NMMNG programs, etc. And, probably you will see some frequency increase.

The issue becomes whether she having more sex with you because she finds you more attractive, or because she feels she is competing with other women to keep your attention. There is a good chance it's this second scenario; the problem with that is the pressure element still comes through during sex.

So, you need to accept that your sex life with your wife might not ever be good, and what you do get may largely be based in fear and anxiety. If you don't mind her coming around on her own because she's afraid for the relationship, that's fine. But if you are one of those guys who really needs his wife to want / lust for him, you need to figure out how to move on.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

RFguy said:


> I am mostly venting here and my mind is set on breaking up, but any thoughts and advice are welcome
> 
> I will start by saying that sex is very important for me. I can tolerate all kinds of crappy behavior from a GF as long as the sex is good and frequent. Ideally I would like sex every other day but I could settle for less if it is good.
> 
> ...


Dump her. Do it now. And then watch her "libido" go through the roof as she tries to get you back.

There's a lesson there, in the above. 

The VERY FIRST TIME a woman tells me I'm "pestering her" or "bothering her" for sex, and if I'd just "stop bothering her about it, maybe she'd get in the mood", I'M GONE!!! And I don't mean a "bluff" gone, I mean really gone. It is then, up to her, to either really mean what she says and be happier without me or a sex life with me, OR to show me that she NEEDS me "that way".

Never, EVER, accept "pity sex" from a woman or let her make you believe for a moment you want it more than she does. The moment she believes you need it more than she does is precisely the moment she loses respect for you, and stops wanting you. 

Sorry ladies, truly, no offense, but you're mostly full of crap (at least the ones who think they can "hold out" longer than the guys) because weak guys fall for this garbage, buy into it, and allow you to believe it. I've previously gone nearly 15 years....FIFTEEN YEARS... without (long story), and I was "none the worse for wear". There isn't a woman around who can "outlast" me. You don't want me, fine...find someone you do want, and I'll do the same. A guy who CAN think beyond the end of his penis and do the same will do MUCH better with women in the end. The above is not a "slam" on the ladies...but rather a call to the guys to pull your head outta your butt, realize you won't die without puzzy, and stop acting like vaginas produce the oxygen you breath.

A woman who thinks a guy is "pestering her" for sex? Real good and fast "cure" for that...find a woman who "pesters" you for your penis. Believe me, there's plenty of them out there, as long as you don't treat their vaginas as though they're plated in gold. Reserve THAT mentality for the ones who think your penis is platinum plated....


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

donny64 said:


> Dump her. Do it now. And then watch her "libido" go through the roof as she tries to get you back.
> 
> There's a lesson there, in the above.
> 
> ...


Donny64,

Your response is great. It requires a person to have integrity to not allow the sex to control them. And all things will work out well... Thank you for putting that in words.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

RFguy said:


> The good sex didn't last more than two weeks. She's back in her old ways now.


I'm shocked, shocked, that she reacted exactly the way most of us predicted she would. 



> Needless to say, this is not my idea of what sex should be in a long term relationship.


Of course it is. You're in the relationship, right? I assume you're there voluntarily. If she is holding you against your will, you can simply phone the police and they will come free you. Otherwise, you're getting from the relationship exactly what you require.

People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Your girlfriend dismisses your sexual needs because you allow her to. Other men would, and probably have, dump your girlfriend for being dismissive of their sexual needs. Those men are probably having healthy sex lives right now.

Good luck.


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

Update:

I broke up with her for good this time. If you are interested on details follow this link:
Relationship is over. Trying to find what went wrong.


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

Except from a couple of emails about some technicalities about the house etc, I had no contact with her since break up (June 8).

A mutual friend talked to her yesterday. My ex told her that she couldn't see this coming, it came completely out of the blue.

Yea, sure  

I know for a fact that:

1) She was well aware that I was unhappy in this relationship
2) She was well aware that she was causing my unhappiness, yet she was expecting me to bend into her will instead of both of us making a compromise
3) I already had left her once. Did she think I wasn't capable to do it again if needed?

Is she trying to rewrite history? Badmouth me to our friends?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Donny64,
> 
> Your response is great. It requires a person to have integrity to not allow the sex to control them. And all things will work out well... Thank you for putting that in words.


Takes a while for a lot of men to figure this out. Once sex was more or less out of the picture I was able to stop playing nice and get on with the more long term critical parts of the program...


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

I am back at the house now, she moved the last of her stuff some hours ago.

She left photos of us together, the jewelery I got her, some of the cards I wrote her and the very first present I gave her, a plush piglet.

She really loved that piglet. Seeing it lying on the floor made me feel very hurt and I started crying. I would never think of giving her back the gifts and the cards she gave me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

RFguy said:


> I am back at the house now, she moved the last of her stuff some hours ago.
> 
> She left photos of us together, the jewelery I got her, some of the cards I wrote her and the very first present I gave her, a plush piglet.
> 
> She really loved that piglet. Seeing it lying on the floor made me feel very hurt and I started crying. I would never think of giving her back the gifts and the cards she gave me.


And so her jab at you worked like she planned.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

RFguy said:


> I am back at the house now, she moved the last of her stuff some hours ago.
> 
> She left photos of us together, the jewelery I got her, some of the cards I wrote her and the very first present I gave her, a plush piglet.
> 
> She really loved that piglet. Seeing it lying on the floor made me feel very hurt and I started crying. I would never think of giving her back the gifts and the cards she gave me.


It's ok man, just cry, cry hard. Then put that piglet in a good place. That piglet is a symbol of _your_ love to her, the symbol of your commitment to be with her. The symbol of you trusting her to be a good companion to you. The symbol that you're, after all, a _normal human_ capable of loving another _human_. In short, the piglet is a symbol of _you_.

She has thrown the piglet to the floor, she has thrown _you_ to the floor. It's ok to cry because of that. Just don't plan to cry forever. Put the piglet somewhere man. Put the piglet somewhere nice and safe. Make the piglet a symbol of your good self, your good side, your vulnerable side, the real you. It will remind you of your good side in tough times. 

THEN, afterwards, you be tough. Don't let this underhanded tactic of her gets to you. Move on with your life. Do not make the piglet a symbol of your failure, but make that piglet a symbol of your _hope_ that you, a human being capable of loving another _good_ human being, will find someone else who deserves you better. I am sure the piglet would agree  

Our prayer be with you man. Carry on!


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

john_lord_b3 said:


> It's ok man, just cry, cry hard. Then put that piglet in a good place. That piglet is a symbol of _your_ love to her, the symbol of your commitment to be with her. The symbol of you trusting her to be a good companion to you. The symbol that you're, after all, a _normal human_ capable of loving another _human_. In short, the piglet is a symbol of _you_.
> 
> She has thrown the piglet to the floor, she has thrown _you_ to the floor. It's ok to cry because of that. Just don't plan to cry forever. Put the piglet somewhere man. Put the piglet somewhere nice and safe. Make the piglet a symbol of your good self, your good side, your vulnerable side, the real you. It will remind you of your good side in tough times.
> 
> ...


Beautifully said. 

I am very sorry, RFguy. That was a very cruel thing for her to do. I hope this will eventually lead you to much greater happiness in the future though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Thank whatever god you believe in or fate that you didn't marry this woman!!!
I'm sorry that it hurts to break up and that she's talking crap about you but you are so lucky and smart to break this off before marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RFguy said:


> Except from a couple of emails about some technicalities about the house etc, I had no contact with her since break up (June 8).
> 
> A mutual friend talked to her yesterday. My ex told her that she couldn't see this coming, it came completely out of the blue.
> 
> ...


Perhaps you assumed too much? You assumed she knew how you felt, but she did not really? Some people have problems understanding things from another's point of view.

She is probably not bad mouthing you, she is telling the story of your relationship from her point of view.

That your point of view and her point of view are so different is very telling, to be honest. A doomed relationship. The surprise was that it last so long.


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