# Hi



## longhaullove (Feb 4, 2019)

Hi, new member here. Guess I am looking for advise/support/knowledge. On marriage #2, nearly 11 years in, and I feel like it's slipping away. We have had some very tough years, we are a blended family, that were all directly linked to children. However, in the past year the issues are between the two of us. He started a "friendship", via text messages, to a female co-worker. I made him aware from the start I was not comfortable with it but it took two full months, and a lot of arguments, for him to even admit he could understand my concerns.
Now, even though I know the communications are strictly work related, I am extremely needy. I need reassurance that he isn't looking for something/someone else. I don't know how to get passed this and I know it's pushing him away.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Have you tried joint marital or individual counseling? *


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

longhaullove said:


> Hi, new member here. Guess I am looking for advise/support/knowledge. On marriage #2, nearly 11 years in, and I feel like it's slipping away. We have had some very tough years, we are a blended family, that were all directly linked to children. However, in the past year the issues are between the two of us. He started a "friendship", via text messages, to a female co-worker. I made him aware from the start I was not comfortable with it but it took two full months, and a lot of arguments, for him to even admit he could understand my concerns.
> Now, even though I know the communications are strictly work related, I am extremely needy. I need reassurance that he isn't looking for something/someone else. I don't know how to get passed this and I know it's pushing him away.


Start doing the 180 on him, read up on the 180. Don't be interested in him at all. Start doing things for yourself, go out with friends, start a gym, do some activity such as working for a charity, running, etc. It sounds like he knows he has you and can still look for adventure else where. 

I firmly believe in the adage 'what is good for the gander is good for the goose.' Let him see that you are not so 'available,' let him wonder what you are up to. In time (hopefully) you will realize he is not a big deal and may not be that interested in being there for him, with any luck, you will fill your life with other things. Men like their women to be interesting and not clingy. 
It is perfectly normal to look for reassurance from your special other when they have been 'unfaithful' (texting other women is unfaithful), but you have to stop being clingy. I know it sounds counter intuitive but act like you do not care. You may have an issue with co-dependence.
Do you work? Spend more time with work mates, do other things, show him you don't 'need' him, and treat him like it's just a bonus if you do spend time together. 
You may want to point out that his behavior has made him unattractive to you and you will be doing other things. 
I told my H this, for years I was a mess because of his drinking, cheating not knowing where he was etc. I told him recently that I was not running after him, have been there, done that and it was no longer of interest to me. We get on well but he doesn't know what to make of me, I keep him on his toes. Now he asks me to do things, I sometimes turn him down, because I have other things to do which are more important to me than spending time with him. In the past I would dump everything just to spend time with him. I learned that was being foolish. Never build your life around your spouse, that is asking for trouble.
Remember, no-one can make you happy, only yourself. There must always be balance, do not give up yourself for anyone else, that is what you are doing.


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