# Why won't he suddenly STEP UP to make a positive change?



## InLove79 (May 20, 2010)

Hi EVERYONE....

I would like feedback from both men & women. I just want some perspective from both genders so I don't get so one-sided. 

I've already left a thread a while back questioning whether my significant other of 5 years will marry me or not. He is 29, and I am 31. We both are in a long distance, long term relationship. We are very committed to one another, and it's been the healthiest relationship we've ever had. There are no major drama moments, we aren't jealous people (unless really provoked and disrespected), and we have a great line of open communication. We both make every effort to make our love work, and every moment that we are apart is always made up in person! 

He started to bring up marriage in our 2nd year together. Which is strange to me, because I thought I'd do that before he'd ever think of it. At this point he was well aware that I would marry him, and that I love him a great deal. Now, we're in our 5th year, and still just talking about it every now and then. I get a little annoyed, because I've stated that I just don't want to discuss the matter unless there is truth to the logic. Meaning....don't make me daydream about something you're not ready to take seriously. 

Suddenly, the matter has become a problem. I have mentioned that I am concerned about his procrastination. He states that he wants to have our nest egg ready, but why go to the great lengths of saying.."I want you to marry me. Could you see yourself married to me? I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Unfortunately, I wasn't aware that the fine print was I have to wait FOREVER to be able to move on to the next phase in our relationship. He states that he was asking those questions to get an idea of where my heart was, but that he'll propose formally with a ring. I feel as though it is a tease...or a really bad test of patience (which is wearing thin).

I don't care if it's a proposal or just moving in together. He knows exactly how I feel, and now gets really upset to hear the hurt in my shaky (near tears) voice when I express that I want him to make a move now! I dreamed of the perfect wedding like every other woman, but in the end I want a home filled with love, and non-stop desire for one another; not just someone to call my hubby. So, if that means an informal proposal (no ring), upsetting our very Christian parents by moving in together before marriage, or just eloping. So be it!! We do bring out the best in one another, and our families love us being together. I ask if there is a problem with me now, because he seems to be objecting. He says "NO. There isn't a problem, " and just shuts down. I just don't know what's going on anymore, and I don't want to sound like I'm nagging him to do something if he's not ready. However, he isn't even stating that as an excuse. He says he is ready for ANYTHING with me. I've considered proposing to him, but my romantic side leads me to think that the man should be the MAN..and ask his lady for her hand. 

I know he loves me, and would do anything for me.....as I would for him. I just feel slightly pressed, because I see everyone around me getting engaged, married, or starting their families. I am starting to feel like the best years of my life are wasting away on something that WILL happen, but not in the time frame that is reasonable. 

Why is he so stuck, and doesn't make a move (especially since he started to bring it up)?? Did he scare himself?? Is he trying to convince himself to do it?? Is there anything I can do to help things along?? :scratchhead:


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You need to stop thinking about him and think about yourself. Forcing him to make a move he does not want to make/isn't ready for, would be so wrong. If you want to be in a life together with someone, you need to leave him--clearly that is not as important to him as it is to you. That's sad, but it's not "wrong." You are in different spots. If you were happy with things as they were, you would not be on here. You are not. So let go of him and find someone who wants you and wants the same things as you.


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## InLove79 (May 20, 2010)

Dear Sisters359,

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I appreciate your input, but it isn't a matter of him not wanting me or wanting the same things as me. That isn't the problem. The issue is that now that he opened the can of worms, and has continuously brought up the future. However, now if I ask a question about it; he gets really vague and doesn't over share like he normally does. That seems strange to me. I literally asked him if he is having regrets about speaking about this, or possibly spoke too early, and AGAIN...he states NO. He then flies off on a tangent to tell me he's in love with me, he wants to marry me, have children with me, but he wants to be prepared. I tell him that although I admire his want to be financially secure (especially today); I feel as though this is something we can always continue to accomplish together. He says that he wants to make sure that I or our children never want for anything. I think that's sweet, but still not sure if he's stalling or just trying to be overly prepared like the Eagle Scout that he is.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You are not going to like what I have to say, so be prepared.

He likes having you as his girlfriend, but he does not want what you want. That's ok; you two just have different "wants." BUT you are making the mistake of assuming that because he likes having you as his girlfriend, he wants the same things that you want, and he cares enough about you to make sure you have what you want. Obviously, that is not true. 

He likes having you for any number of reasons, but you are not important enough to him for your happiness to equal his. Now that is sad, but do not blame him--you just aren't a match, no matter what goes right between you. 

You need to find someone who not only likes having you as his, but actually loves you enough to make your happiness as important to him as his own, AND wants the same things as you, at the same time. 

It's pretty clear--from the stasis in your relationship--that he is perfectly happy with the status quo. He gets everything he wants--someone to talk to, someone to have sex with, whatever--but you are not getting what you want, b/c you want MORE than those simple things. Please stop trying to change him--he has a right to be who he is, to be satisfied when he is satisfied. Let him go--he'll find someone who wants what he wants (occasional sex and companionship) and you can find someone who wants what you want--a family, sex and companionship and children and shared dreams/goals and daily life together, etc., etc. 

Do not try to "help things along." Just be an adult, accept that the two of you have a different set of needs/wants, and move on. Yes, you will feel sad and miss him, but when you stop to think that he just does not want what you want, you will know it was the right thing to do.

And do NOT go back with him unless he realizes he wants marriag/family/the whole package you want, and he really wants it NOW. Do not make it an ultimatum--make him seriously decide if he is ready for the next step, or if he is just acting out of panic. Tell him, in fact, you are breaking up with him and you want no contact for 2-3 months--at LEAST 2 months, 3 is better. Why? Because he may just panic and fear being alone, but if you give him 2 months or more, panic will wear off and he will start being able to admit to himself he does NOT want what you want, and it would NOT be fair of him to seek you out. In that time, you start moving on, mourning what you have lost--someone you care about but whose happiness requires that he be in a different "place" than you. If, after 3 months of no contact you end up together, great. If he comes back as a new person--one who loves you enough to care about what is important to you, one who loves you enough to want to see you every day and to have children with you, ok. 

But do not count on that. He's given every sign that you are really not that important to him, no matte what he says. His behavior speaks volumes--keeping you hanging with the status quo. He is not intentionally trying to string you along; he thinks he really loves you. But if he really loved you, this long-distance thing would not have satisfied him--just as it has not satisfied you--and things would have changed a long time ago.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I didn't realize my first post had posted. But, it is clear you are having trouble with the message: his vagueness, etc., is b/c he does NOT really want those things he says he does; he likes the status quo and doesn't want things to change. Quit listening to what he says and look at what he's done--or NOT done, actually. That is a much clearer message and you do not want to see it for what it is.

You can threaten to leave, issue an ultimatum, and scare him into a commitment--only to find the date isn't set, it gets change, etc., etc. Or you can threaten to leave, issue an ultimatum, and elope--only to have him regret that later on. You need to break clean, give him time to get over his panic and decide if he really, really, REALLy wants what he says he wants, and wants it with YOU. 

Too many women have been in your situation for the answer to be anything but this. 2 out of 3 of the possibilities mean you will not have him in your life--but if he does not really, really want you in his life, like you want him, you are better off that way, finding someone who does.

It's unlikely that anyone here will tell you anything different. Good luck, though.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Just because he brought it up first, several years ago, doesn't mean that's still what he wants. I once had a boyfriend that I thought I wanted to someday marry. I hadn't expressed this wish to him (we were only about 19 at the time), when I began to get to know him even better than I already thought I did. As I got to know more and more about him, that desire to be his wife began to wane. He wasn't quite the great catch I thought he was. He's a great guy, in fact we're still friends today (nearly 13 years later), but he's not the kind of guy I'd want for my husband. We continued to date off and on until I met my first husband, because even though I didn't want to marry him, we had fun together, we liked each other and...well, he was there. 

It's entirely possible that he brought up marriage because he thought he knew you so well and wanted to marry you but then as time went by he got to know more about you and decided that maybe marriage wasn't really want he wanted after all. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you; just like with my friend and I, it's just a matter of incompatibility. You're not a bad person; neither is he. You're just different. 

But, after all these years together, he doesn't want to tell you he doesn't want to marry you, and he probably is comfortable with you and the habits that have been established with your relationship as it is right now, so he's not going anywhere as long as you aren't. 

I would just be honest with him and tell him that you want marriage in your future, and you feel that it's not happening with him in a reasonable fashion. Then tell him you're going to move on and find someone with whom you have compatible viewpoints on this. One of two things will happen when you do this: 

1. He'll let you go, because you've just given him his out without him having to tell you he doesn't want to marry you. Which will free you up to find a man that will want to marry you. 

2. He'll realize what he's losing because he won't step up and move forward with the relationship, and you will then get a proposal. 

If you're not willing to move on to find someone who would want to marry you, then I think maybe you need to do some soul searching and admit that possibly marriage isn't as important to you as you're making it seem, and figure out why you are pushing so hard for it then.


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## Lonely720 (Sep 19, 2010)

WOW! I had this problem too...and ended up getting married when I forced it on him...I wished I had waited until he wanted it...honestly....without all the nagging I did...

So here's my advice as someone who has been there!!! Ask yourself why you want to get married? Is it be one of the Jones'? Be sure you are getting married for the right reasons and not because everyone else is...After you have taken the time to think about it...is it possible that you can remain the relationship without the marriage? It's just a piece of paper...what does this paper give you that you don't already have?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

InLove79 said:


> I tell him that although I admire his want to be financially secure (especially today); I feel as though this is something we can always continue to accomplish together. He says that he wants to make sure that I or our children never want for anything. I think that's sweet, but still not sure if he's stalling or just trying to be overly prepared like the Eagle Scout that he is.


If, on the other hand, if most of your repliers have this pegged all wrong and he IS simply a Perfectionist about Finances, being PREPARED & maybe even some worry about your Christian parents in how he handles all of this, if this IS his highest concern, then you might have to share with him >>> this is hurting you, you are questioining the relationship as you feel strongly that not every duck has to lined in a perfect row before you get together & start sharing your life. 

IF he has any hestitation, after you share how you feel about him - then Do follow the advice of these other posters. I wouldnt propose to him or try to rush, only share how you want to be with him -all else is less of a concern to you. I am trying to give the Eagle Scout the benfit of the doubt here. 

I married my husband when he worked in a Grocery Store, we even lived together 8 months while we planned our wedding & Reception for 400. We didnt give up on our dreams at all, we dreamed while we struggled and we did it all together. I have no regrets, neither does he, we were "matched" with this sort of mindset.

It is probaby true that you and him are not on the same page about HOW to go about being together. He is looking for everything to be perfect, fairy tale, give you the stars, he is failing to realize the stars are not what matters to you. 

Again, the other posters could be very correct, I am just trying to give another perspective on this. Now to figure out which is the case, what IS going on in HIS head.


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## Damselfish (May 21, 2010)

I can empathize with you, InLove.

I was in an 8-year relationship (3 years of it long distance with monthly "visits) and riding the same exact wave you describe. On one of our rendezvous' HE brought up the subject of marriage. Two years later (I was 30) I told him to "sh*t or get off the pot," so to speak. He got off the pot.

I was heartbroken, but relieved at the same time I finally had my answer, even if it wasn't the one I anticiapted.

That was 10 years ago. And am I so glad! I waited for and eventually married a man who wanted exactly what I did! God has plans for us we sometimes don't understand!

My mom would say to me "just think of all the years you wasted..." and my reply was always, "hell no, those years were a priceless education and truely got me to where I am today."

Hope this helps a little.

Best wishes.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Damselfish, I like the cut of your jib!

Too many women think that marriage phobia will be miraculously cured like in a chick flick, you know the ones, where the man suddenly wakes up at the end and then goes running after her, and she looks out the side of the plane window and there he is-hanging on to the wing as the plane's getting ready to take off!

It just don't work that way!

I agree with 359, he likes the status quo, and even if you do convince him to step up, he will resent the situation in the end. You may have to consider a life with someone who will not jank you around like that.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Inlove,
I am also a saver so I get the idea of wanting to be financially prepared. With that said - the conversation I would have with him goes like this:

I understand you want to be financially prepared when we marry and I need to understand exactly what that means to you. Do you have a specific dollar amount in savings you feel we need to have before we marry? If so, what is that and lets define a fixed schedule for getting to it. 

I truly believe he is stringing you along and will refuse to define a goal and specify the steps for getting there. But maybe I am wrong. The thing is if he really wanted to get married he WOULD have a plan and would work hard to get to that magic number. 

I also think you need to be part of the solution. Is it the amount "he" needs to contribute or the amount you two need to have "combined"? If it is a combined number you can show some determination by agreeing to a meaningful piece of it. 

If it is a target "income" he has in mind you are likely just being played unless he has a very definitive and short plan for getting there. 

I do think couples need to discuss finances - timetables for children, budgets, target savings levels and all that before marrying. For example will one of you be the stay at home parent or will you have daycare? This stuff is important but does not take years to figure out. Weeks is more like it. 

But I also think that his lack of planning and communicating his plans shows a lack of desire to be married. It can't hurt to ask him. You will never know what is really going on in his head unless you do. 


QUOTE=InLove79;207826]Dear Sisters359,

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I appreciate your input, but it isn't a matter of him not wanting me or wanting the same things as me. That isn't the problem. The issue is that now that he opened the can of worms, and has continuously brought up the future. However, now if I ask a question about it; he gets really vague and doesn't over share like he normally does. That seems strange to me. I literally asked him if he is having regrets about speaking about this, or possibly spoke too early, and AGAIN...he states NO. He then flies off on a tangent to tell me he's in love with me, he wants to marry me, have children with me, but he wants to be prepared. I tell him that although I admire his want to be financially secure (especially today); I feel as though this is something we can always continue to accomplish together. He says that he wants to make sure that I or our children never want for anything. I think that's sweet, but still not sure if he's stalling or just trying to be overly prepared like the Eagle Scout that he is.[/QUOTE]


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

InLove79 said:


> Dear Sisters359,
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to respond. I appreciate your input, but it isn't a matter of him not wanting me or wanting the same things as me. That isn't the problem. The issue is that now that he opened the can of worms, and has continuously brought up the future. However, now if I ask a question about it; he gets really vague and doesn't over share like he normally does. That seems strange to me. I literally asked him if he is having regrets about speaking about this, or possibly spoke too early, and AGAIN...he states NO. He then flies off on a tangent to tell me he's in love with me, he wants to marry me, have children with me, but he wants to be prepared.


That's not a tangent. He is telling you, sharing exactly as you are asking. Just not sharing what you want to hear. Whatever prepared means, that is what he wants to be.

I remember when DH and I were talking about kids. He wanted them... he just wasn't "ready". Nor did he know what "ready" was. I knew I had no hand to play. He was going to be ready when he was ready. I told him the exact truth. I want kids. I am not going to wait forever for kids. I want to give you space and time to be ready, whatever that means. But eventually the **** is gonna hit the fan and I am going to leave before I risk getting stuck with no kids. Seems similar to your scene. 




> I tell him that although I admire his want to be financially secure (especially today); I feel as though this is something we can always continue to accomplish together. He says that he wants to make sure that I or our children never want for anything. I think that's sweet, but still not sure if he's stalling or just trying to be overly prepared like the Eagle Scout that he is.


So basically you don't agree with each other. How you handle that is going to be telling for the rest of your life together. You have no real reason to suspect that he is stalling. He just isn't ready.


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