# Mother-In-Law



## grrrrr (Sep 16, 2009)

So, I have a continuing issue with my Mother-In-Law. If she gets the least bit mad at you it last for days. Most of the time you have no idea what you did wrong. Also, my wife jumps on to her side so I get the silent treatment from my Mother-In-Law, and basically the same from my wife. I tend to get a lecture as well from my wife on how I should have done things.

My wife also basically has date night twice a month with her Mom. We just went on our first date in almost a year earlier this week. 

So.... my question is how the heck can I deal with my Mother-In-Law and wife combo. 

If you need more info let me know. At the end of my rope here and I am having a hard time working through my thoughts.


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

Be nice... LOL. I know it is hard. But ignore it. Bite your tongue. Your wife is your wife. Your mother in law is really nothing. And if you ignore the mother in law, and your wife gets offended, tell your wife you are married to her not the mother in law. But I will say there is not much info to go by


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Is it possible to be friendly/polite but mostly avoid your MIL?




grrrrr said:


> So, I have a continuing issue with my Mother-In-Law. If she gets the least bit mad at you it last for days. Most of the time you have no idea what you did wrong. Also, my wife jumps on to her side so I get the silent treatment from my Mother-In-Law, and basically the same from my wife. I tend to get a lecture as well from my wife on how I should have done things.
> 
> My wife also basically has date night twice a month with her Mom. We just went on our first date in almost a year earlier this week.
> 
> ...


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

It sounds as if you feel you are in second place and that Mommy Dearest is in first. That is an issue. 

Take some time when things are calm and sit down and talk with your wife. Use I statements and let her know how you feel your marriage needs to come first, for example "I would like OUR time alone together to be the first priority". Assure her that you aren't trying to "take her away" from being a good daughter, but that you really want to feel your have a wife first and foremost.

Try not to sound like you are complaining or blaming, but work on being very clear about how you feel hurt, alone, and what solutions would work for you. (For example, you have a date night every week, or if MIL is upset, that your wife first side with you and try to understand the situation before automatically taking mom's side).


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

The advice in the above posts are good. The best you can do is try and sweeten up your own marriage. If you start to criticize the MIL or try and get between your wife and her mother, it'll be a bad situation. You'll be hated even more by the MIL and your wife. It's a no-win situation. You didn't know about this situation when you married this woman or you chose to ignore it? 

Also, I'd be as polite as possible to the MIL (think of her like an IRS tax auditor or a jerk policeman and just "yes ma'am" her) and avoid her whenever possible. That's how I'd handle it. Hopefully things will improve. 

Until your WIFE decides things should change and deals with her mother than there's not much you can do if you want to stay married to your wife.


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## bumpgrind1 (Mar 29, 2010)

Drop one of those two foot long zip ties around her neck and yank the hell out of it. She'll change her attitude for certain!


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## grrrrr (Sep 16, 2009)

thank you for all of your replies. I guess I did realize it a little, but we did not live close by back then and she was more on my side (or atleast it seemed). 

My wife loves being on the side of the MIL. I don't think that she ever has my back. Her family is very small and they stick together no matter what. I think I have the FDisc situation.

Do you ever feel like you are want to have a great marriage, but only one of you want that? My wife gives love when she wants and I don't think that works for me anymore. I will give what I can when I can, but nothing more for now. I want someone that will stand up for me, not through me under the bus. 

Watch out here it comes. Do I jump on or wait for the next one?


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## grrrrr (Sep 16, 2009)

I am not ready to go the extent of bumpgrind1, but I have thought about it a couple of times when I was pushed to the limit. I will admit I have thought about it once or twice.

It is stressful enough not having a marriage that works, but my kids are more important to me then anything else. I will have to find a way to be happy enough to last until my kids are out of the house.


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

I've lived thru that hell myself!! We bought the house across the street from my in-laws. My inlaws now hate me. they don't talk to me at all(YEAH!!!). It is very stressful on my family. My wife and chilfren are having a hard time dealing with all the negativity. They have even called DCF on me, to get even with me?? Losers are losers and there is no changing that. Try to get your wife as far away from them as possible. With limited contact, your relationship may be saved, unlike mine. I was ready to divorce my wife for similiar reasons. She never had my back. I thought the vows were "for better and for worse"??? I guess I only got the for worse part.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

bumpgrind1 said:


> Drop one of those two foot long zip ties around her neck and yank the hell out of it. She'll change her attitude for certain!


LOL Too funny.

grrrrr, you don't give us any details of what ever happens between you and MIL, but your wife should never side against you with her mother. She doesn't necessarily have to take your side, but shouldn't side against you. So while she is wrong, two wrongs don't make a right. Sounds like you are checking out and disengaging, but that can only lead in one direction. Yet, you don't say that is what you want, and you can't expect the marriage to last until the kids are out of the house at that rate. Is marriage counseling an option? Some have suggested talking to her, but your response was to tell us you are just going to disengage and try to hold on. Did you not want advice or suggestions?


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## grrrrr (Sep 16, 2009)

What happened: My MIL asked my wife to deposit a check for her. I work next to the bank and was then asked to deposit the check instead. I work retail so my hours are very crazy. I attempted to deposit the check at 5:30am but the lobby was locked. I had no idea (neither did the wife) that you had to have a key card when the bank was closed. 

I had an opportunity at 10:30am after the MIL emailed me asking why it was not taken care of. I explained, and she informed me of the card swipe. I emailed the wife and she apologized for not knowing. MIL told me it was not a big deal and to get it done when I could. Well I got out of work around 6pm and the bank was closed. I did night deposit. That was the wrong thing todo. Never mind the fact that I only got a 10 minute lunch and worked 13 hours, that was not good enough!!!

I was told later that night that there was another bank open just up the road until 7. I guess I should have used my hand dandy iphone to figure that out for my own. NOT!!!! 

Soooo..... my wife basically *****es at me because she just got her Mom not to be all pissed off at her, now she has to work just as hard to get her unpissed at me. It is a F.....ing check give me a break. I work, I don't run errands as a priority. If I have to work I have to work. I am not someone that just leaves because I worked my shift. If we are still busy I take care of the store. Duh!! This is how I have always been.

I swear my wife puts our kids first, her mother second (like she is married to her not me), email third, on-line shopping fourth, her work/school fifth, and I am no ****ing place except alone.

Things have just become worse over the years since about the 4th month of her pregnancy with our son, who is now 3. My parents were divorced when I was 3 and it sucked. I guess I imagined things getting better over time but things seem to stay the same. 

My wife works to have date night with her Mom, but not me. It is almost like she will do everything in her power to not spend time with me. I can barely stand to watch TV with her. GRRRRR!!!! 

So..... I hope this explains a little more. Susan2010 Yes, I need help trying figure out how to move forward and be happy.

I need suggestions and and really good advice. The thing I miss the most is being touched. That is a joke within itself.

Thank you


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to marriagebuilders.com and look for the phone counseling with the doctor who founded the site. It will cost a couple hundred dollars, but every single person I know who has done it has said it's the best money they ever spent.


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## grrrrr (Sep 16, 2009)

So, I have some new results. 

A couple of nights ago I had a talk with the W. I basically went through all of my major concerns. One question I posed that seemed to get a great response was "Are you married to your Mother or ME? You have date night with your Mom, you want to please HER 100% of the time, you are always on her side (which you never stick up for me), and you are constantly emailing her."

I also discussed that she had to start having my back along with there needs to be intimacy in our relationship. If there wasn't going to be any and there wasn't a reason for our relationship to continue I needed to know now. We used be committed to one day a week, and that always got pushed off day after day. That needed to become a commitment on her part and mine. 

I also discussed supporting each other, and when her Mom attacks who I am or how I do things that she needs to start sticking up for me or this is not going to work. Also any jokes about if the kids are mine need to end! Not F*ing funny!!! 

My final area I covered her list of importance: 1 - Kids, 2 - Her MOM, 3 - Email, 4 - On-line shopping, 5 - Work/School. Where the hell am I? I deserve to be at least in the top 3!!! I also belong above her Mother (no matter how much she loves her), and I should be above email!!! 

The "Oh, I get it now!!" light came on. I have seen a major difference in how the W interacts with me on a daily basis. It has been only a couple of days, so we will see how long term goes. I am hoping not have to repeat my importance in this house hold and in her life. If I do it just goes to show where I will always be long term. You only get 1 life, and 1 chance at happiness. 

I will do whatever it takes to take care of my kids and myself.


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