# Non-emotional - Control freak?



## willitgetbetter (Nov 5, 2009)

Okay, I've been married for 8 years and in the relationship for 10 years with my wife.

When we dated, sex life was pretty good. Got it almost as often as I wanted. When we got engaged it got less, but still weekly. From there to marriage it dropped to like 2 - 3 times a month. After we had our first child, it was down to 15 times a year. Seriously. Since then we've had a couple more children and it's a good month now if I have some. As I committed more to the relationship, she took control of the sex life. Last year I had sex 3 times to completion out of 5 or 6 tries. The other 3 times I wasn't quick enough.

With all that said, sex has become completely non-spontaneous. When we dated, I'd occassionally give her a slap on the butt in a loving way, but she made a rule about not doing that again. This gradually started influencing our sex life to sex only in bed, with lights out. It needs to be with me on top, and it needs to be quick, and under the covers, and with a towel so the sheets don't get dirty, and on my side of the bed. I also need to have brushed my teeth ahead of the time and be clean. I don't have to shower every time, but the slight sweatiness would blow my chances.

I already split duties on doing bedtime with the kids, I do half the cooking, I spend a ton of time with the kids when I'm not working. She does do all the laundry and she cleans more than me, but I iron all my own clothes. I'm not keeping track, I'm just trying to prove a point that I'm already doing more than I believe 90% of men would do, and I do it happily. She still needs to however, tell me whenever I miss something like picking up the kids clothes and put it in laundry or put a dish in the dishwasher (I do dishes most of the time, but I miss stuff). We both respect each other, but there is more asking for help each step of the way and I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be. 

I have a feeling her expectation for a husband is unachievable by a mortal man. I know for a fact 95% of men wouldn't meet her standards for what she wants as a father and a husband.

I've tried different things like writing her handwritten love notes to surprise her when she comes home from work and I have already left to go to my work. I also send her notes via email saying "thinking of you, love you!" while I'm at work. I get zero response. In fact, I'm not sure if it's helping or if each time I do something like that, she right away thinks I'm asking for sex.

She's very unemotional. She doesn't voluntarily touch or hug me. In fact, it feels very much like a business relationship. I think both her family thinks we're doing great, and she sends the picture that we are, but talking about our lack of sex is hardly a topic to discuss with them.

I'm lost on what other steps I should take. I love my wife and kids, but the thought of having sex maybe 10 time a year for the next 20 - 30 years isn't the way I selfishly want my life to occur. Especially with plain vanilla, needs to happen in 3 minutes, sex.

Basically it's a decision of whether it's bad enough for me to leave our settled home and family over sex. Any advice?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is totally not about sex. This is about love, and commitment and compromise. 

It sounds like you are putting 100% into the marriage. I didn't say you were perfect - but you are giving it your all. Your goal is to be a great dad and husband. 

What is the single unique aspect to a marriage? It is sexual. Thats it. That is the one unique component. And for a man - to feel loved - he needs to feel desired and he needs to have sex. If we only cared about an intense orgasm we could just watch porn whenever we wanted and make the sexual experience as long/short as we wanted. But it is not about that. It is about feeling loved. 

So - ummm - your wife. She is putting 50% into your marriage. That is she is being a great mom. But a total bust as a wife. Newsflash - she knows sex is really important to you. She just doesn't care. 

So did you ever think about behavioral reinforcement? What I mean is this. Typical scenario. Early in marriage wife starts to reduce sexual frequency. WORST THING THE HUSBAND CAN DO IS TRY TO BE MORE PERFECT HUSBAND. Worst move by far. Because you cannot be perfect. She continues to reduce sex in terms of frequency and quality and you continue to try harder. Which consciously or subconciously tells her that the less sex she has with you the better husband you will be. 

Did I get this wrong?

By the way - there is hope - just need to have a baseline as to how you got where you are before making any suggestions. 

For what it is worth - if you asked my wife to rate me as a husband - I would either get a 9 or higher. If you asked her how I act when sex deprived she would give you an interesting answer. She would say if she has a medical condition - I am patient and delightful. And if she is healthy and just being indifferent to my needs - I am NOT FUN to be around. I am not abusive - not physically - not verbally - I just go from being really fun - really helpful - considerate - etc - to quiet - not so helpful and not so accomodating. This change does not happen in a day or a couple days but it starts to happen in a couple weeks. Maybe that is why she makes the effort for us to have a great sex life. Part of it is love - the biggest part - she likes to make me happy. Part of it is fear - she doesn't want the nice loving guy to go on vacation and leave her stranded with the indifferent guy - and part of it is guilt. She doesn't believe that a good wife ignores her husbands physical desires. And part of the equation is that I try to make it as fun for her as possible. I have stayed very fit, I always shower and brush teeth just before bed, and I do my very best to make her feel loved and appreciated both when we don't have sex and when we do have sex. 

And we talk about sex - the same way we talk about everything - totally open - sometimes painfully honest - and a great mixture of banter and humor. 

So what has been the consequence to your wife of blowing off your core physical needs while you are being the model dad/husband? 



















willitgetbetter said:


> Okay, I've been married for 8 years and in the relationship for 10 years with my wife.
> 
> When we dated, sex life was pretty good. Got it almost as often as I wanted. When we got engaged it got less, but still weekly. From there to marriage it dropped to like 2 - 3 times a month. After we had our first child, it was down to 15 times a year. Seriously. Since then we've had a couple more children and it's a good month now if I have some. As I committed more to the relationship, she took control of the sex life. Last year I had sex 3 times to completion out of 5 or 6 tries. The other 3 times I wasn't quick enough.
> 
> ...


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## taiwife (Nov 5, 2009)

From a woman angle. I appreciate your concern but I still think there is more to it than you think. Please try and find out what your wife expect from you and fix it. Get the book Five Love Languages by Gary Chapmann for some help. Now, I want to use myself as an expample, I love my husband, I always dream of being a good wife and mother. I always desire romantic moments with my husband but each time he does things to quench this feeling. At times I think so much about how I want our relationship to be, what I like to do with my husband, that I long to get back home and be in his hand but ... Most times when I see him when I return home afterwork(he is not working, he stays at home) he looks untidy, dirty and his hair and nails are unkept, he is full of sweat odour and I just get put off. Most times he tried to kiss me early in the morning without brushing and sometimes touched me with unwashed hand. This turn me off instantly. I have talked with him times without number. I initiate sex most times, forced him to go and bath and brush and use deodorant. If I don't say it, he just won't do it. I work with very neat guys in the office, most of them are medical doctors and pharmacist and personally love neatness. I have a high sense of smell for God knows why. I have begged him, talked to him, advised him and did all I could to make him see reason with me but all to sqaure one. I am now put off. I can't cheat, I can't have another affair, so it is like I am trapped. I love sex, if all things work well, I won't mind having it once a day as long as it is gentle, (I counsel people on Intimacy in Marriage) I love romance and love to hang around my husband but I am not getting this. Willitgetbetter, I advise you take things easy with your wife and see what she actually wants and see if you can walk things out together. I believe it will work, just be patient with her. I hope my husband will wake up one day, otherwise I remain like this for Jesus.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Most married sex is not spontaneous, its planned... if your married, working and have kids, you better plan a date night or your going to go without sex for a long time.


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## OFM_Tom (Sep 18, 2009)

It has been my experience that when someone seems to have unreasonable expectations that can never be met, it is not about the other person not doing enough. I'd bet that your sex issues are really only a symptom of a different problem. I'd suggest therapy for both just to figure out what is really going on.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

'It has been my experience that when someone seems to have unreasonable expectations that can never be met, it is not about the other person not doing enough.'

Very true. My husband is like you describe your wife. He doesn't do it because i suck at being a wife or because he wants and needs a better cook, cleaner etc. I haven't figured it out yet, but he either wants more attention, to keep me under control...or something along those lines. 

What's interesting is that it really has little to do with what they ask. Something else is missing for them, usually they can't even tell what. So they keep asking for random stuff, whatever they think is wrong at the time. Since they don't get what they are looking for, they keep asking. It's like when you have a headache, you don't know what it's from but you suddenly assume it must be from taking a bath this morning. Just like that, they feel something is needed, therefore it must be you taking the trash out, being more careful, affectionate...list goes on. Since their need still isn't satisfied, then you must be doing it wrong/not enough.


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

Mark wrote a great article on why women find men sexually undesirable. In your case I think it's the "people-pleaser" thing. Please read this - I think there's a lot of truth in this. Read the whole article too, it's very well written. Men too often think women need words like "i love you" to get more sex. No. This doesn't work after 10 years of marriage - because we know exactly what you're up to. 

Sexless Marriage?


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