# Love, Desperation and Separation ?!?!



## Sas581011 (Mar 27, 2011)

Hi All, I have posted on this forum before and it's really been a great support system for me personally. It's a good feeling knowing that we can release our frustrations and emotions with others in similar or same situations and provide positive and constructive solutions on moving forward.

My story is very similar to many threads here;

1. Wife and I are Separated, just a little over 6 weeks now
2. She lives with her parents now and has found a new career
3. I have moved into a 2 bedroom apartment
4. We have a two and a half year old son together
5. We were together for 11 years and married for 3
6. We grew apart emotionally
7. We communicated frequently in the first 4 weeks of Separation
8. We have since had a few outings together with our son, Zoo, Magic Company, Lunch etc...
9. She doesn't want a divorce or Legal Separation, Just Time !!!
10. We worked together with my family for 4 years (Family Business)
11. I have done all the initial wrong doings such as begging, pleading, suggesting counselling, placing time frames on Separation periods etc... etc..., no gifts though even though our 3 year anniversary was on the 05th April this year, no wishing either, it was just another day.
12. She turns 30 on the 15th April which is Friday, Don't know how I should approach the situation, should I buy a gift or just text a pleasant but sincere "Happy 30th Birthday" Need some advise here but will get into why a little later  Please any suggestions on this point !!!
13. The last two weeks I have placed massive energy and focus on myself and ensuring I spend at least one day every weekend with my Son and Separated Wife (Willingly)
14. I have forgiven myself for my short comings in our marriage and have made huge strides in changing myself for the better, I don't blame her for Separating me. Wife is very stubborn and loves with her head most part, however Wife blames and continues to blame my family for her lack of Self Confidence and proclaims it was all sugar coated with money and a very extravagant lifestyle. Wife explained that she had lost herself.
15. I have been seeing a therapist once a week which has helped me release much of my thoughts and anger towards myself and to explore effective solutions on how to save my marriage
16. I have since been working on my Self Confidence and have come leaps and bounds in discovering that small things make a HUGE difference, thanks Dr. Phil.
17. I know this thread is long but please pursue reading on 
18. I have suggested Marriage Counselling, third night into Separation she replies "No, not right now" over a lovely dinner
19. Initiated the 180 on Sunday Morning and now heading for day three with no communication, find myself missing her more but I am coping, just having some horrible dreams
20. She e-mailed me yesterday stating that she hoped I enjoyed the rest of my weekend and requested her Tax number as we were employed together as mentioned earlier. I read a thread sometime ago that stated when the 180 is followed correctly and for the correct reasons (FOR YOURSELF and NOT REVENGE) that Wife will notice a change in behaviour almost immediately and initiate any kind of communication even if it's asking for something they don't really need right now. 
21. Last social time together was Saturday night when she arrived back from dinner with her brother (whom lives in the same complex) and mother, she came over and we chatted and laughed a little, she initiated an affectionate hug goodbye as always is the case after we have seen one another

Now that I have mentioned the above brief points this is where I find myself. Just before I carry on, Wife Separated me cause she needed independence, self confidence and to be the best mother possible (she always has been though) we have chatted over lunch about time frames, the future and what actions each of us must engage in order to move forward, not very clever from my part though because I initiated the conversation, NEVER PUT YOUR WIFE IN A CORNER. I had a drinking problem of which I now have under control (thanks to help and support systems, no cravings to date and I had stopped previously for 7 years, I’m 30 by the way) and she exclaimed that this (Alcohol) would be the biggest factor in her making the decision to Separate and/or come back eventually, she expressed that I have to earn her trust again, all that other stuff about she loves me but Needs to fall in Love with me again and that she is scared of coming back to the same problems (No Abuse in our 11 years together, I am not a violent person but obviously we had the occasional argument which ended in silence with little or no resolution, life just went on.....) We had many, many more happy memories together than unhappy one's. She has also claimed that I will know when she is ready to come back, will I ? she also keeps claiming that she did what she did to scare me, well I tell you what, it freaking worked !!! (She ultimately gave me a GIFT, sounds screwed up I know but hey she made a very difficult decision and has stuck to her guns, I’m proud of my Wife)

Neither of us has OW or OM that I/She know of however she has exclaimed to me that she is so sick and tired of her brother and her best friend asking if there is somebody else ? She said to me that it's driving her mad because there isn't, she said she did what she needed to do and not to find a "Hot New Flame". From my point I haven't the time and effort to even begin thinking of OW, there is just no way I would ever disrespect my marriage, Wife or Son as I'm extremely committed to my choices (Getting married) and will be until a resolution is derived. If Wife so chooses or chose another partner then trust is broken and amicable divorce will simply follow with no exclusions that reconciliation can still occur in the future. I will however continue on my journey and will fall in love again be it with Wife or with another partner but no matter what my Son will always be first

Well like I said earlier this is where I am today and I thought I would share this with all to help understand the emotions and the effect it has on our productivity;

** You need to ask yourself one question though and be honest, if you don't have the answer don't worry, time will reveal the answer for you ** Do you want your Wife back because you are In love with her or because you can’t handle the idea of her being with someone else ?

If you were to get back together right now, do you honestly believe you and Wife has done enough for yourself in order to manage the hardships of reconciliation, the adjustments and emotional fear of repeated such Separations. CAN YOU CHANGE FOR YOU ? and at the same time CHANGE FOR WIFE ?

1. I have began reconciliation, not with my Wife but with myself
2. I have accepted the things I can't change and have accepted responsibility for the things I can
3. I have enjoyed spending time with myself
4. I do not stalk, spy, irritate or check up my Wife, it’s disrespectful, childish and plain rude. She would occasionally ask who I am going to movies with when I tell her I am going to the movies, I softly reply with Mrs. Casper (the friendly ghost) Well it’s the truth 
5. I make time every weekend to spend time with my Son, she has joined on every occasion although I do not initiate her coming along, free will 
6. Emotions are up and down, sometimes I feel a little down and depressed but I handle these emotions by talking to a Web cam or writing them down, I leave it for a while and then listen and/or read what I have documented and have a little giggle, remember small change can make a HUGE difference.
7. I have understood that during the first couple of weeks of Separation I confused my emotions of Love with pure desperation, wanting answers and not listening to what needs to be answered by Wife (obviously these are silent questions)
9. I have accepted the worst possible outcome and the best possible solution for myself moving forward given the outcome
10. I have set goals for myself, realistic goals, remember to set goals which you are capable of attaining, sometime when goals aren't reached we tend to become disappointed
11. Think of this time alone as a blessing, if your relationship has hit rock bottom it can't possibly get any worse, some encouragement 
12. Remember what your Wife tells you might just be sugar coating your Separation, you have been together X amount of years and I assure you that people DO NOT just walk away from Marriage for no reason but in the same breath Wife also hasn’t forgotten the person they fell in love with, neither should you
13. Increase your SELF CONFIDENCE, dress to impress, read books, attend seminars or whatever tickles your fancy, remember not for your Wife. I have said it once and I will say it again, small change make HUGE differences, people in your family will notice your Self Confidence increasing, friends will notice, people who are complete strangers will notice but most of all you will notice. All of a sudden people will want to be part of your space and maybe Wife will want to as well
14. It took us years to get to this situation, DON'T expect a quick fix, if it happens quickly and works out for you then Well Done !!! but I have yet to come across a thread of this nature. time will take its course, it's finite not infinite but honestly I cannot say it will take six months, a year or even five years, I can say however that it takes two to fix a marriage and want to make it work, if your Wife feels that she is not able to commit at this point to any counselling then that is fine, respect her and acknowledge that this is her choice. If anything look at this as being positive sign as she is beginning to make choices even if they are SMALL, I'm not going to mention the phrase again.

I am terribly sorry for such a long thread, I just honestly feel that everyone deserves to be loved, you can start by loving yourself and keep your head up high. I wish everyone the best of luck in their journeys to recovering Wife or Husband, in the end it will all work out for the better, with or without your spouse.

I will post updates on my 180 progress daily on this thread and I hope to get some insights from others on their current situations and hopefully together we can all pull things right !!!


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## Momof2inMT (Apr 9, 2011)

Thank you for this =)


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

What a great story!!! Thanks for posting this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BluePink (Apr 2, 2011)

Definitely a lot of positive steps! Thank you for sharing it here!


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## Sas581011 (Mar 27, 2011)

Hi All,

Update !!!

O.K. so today was supposed to be day four of no contact (180), I woke this morning after a pretty good night’s rest and felt an unattended, swishy washy emotion, maybe it's because today I had to see my therapist for the third time.

Well anyways I saw my Therapist (IC) at 10:00am this morning where I almost broke down in tears with the whole situation becoming a little overwhelming, seems the feelings all surface during these sessions. Here are little insights I gathered during my session and thought I would share them with you, remember every situation is different however the outcome we require and/or need is significantly similar. I texted my Wife today telling her I miss her and we can chat later, she acknowledged by text and e-mailed me the same. Will update tomorrow on progress. I know I broke 180 but let me explain...

Please all, don't get me wrong here, the 180 is effective if change is evident (from the Wife/Husband) but the emotions are shelved in a sense because part of moving forward really boils down to detaching yourself emotionally from Wife. Is that true ? Well, of course it is. Do you want to detach or reattach and from what, Wife or Emotions ?

Doing nothing will always as proven with anything is life lead to or return nothing, silence is not a tool, no communication is not a tool, emotions are real, love is real, life is real. If you want to build a house you need tools, the same way you need to build a marriage. In my marriage I was the partner who walked in without a toolbox, a house will or cannot build itself by just ignoring and anticipating or even planning. Sometimes the house will fall apart, break or even fall to pieces but the fact remains that you will use the SAME set of tools building it together again. It doesn't take two to build a house, but it does take a whole lot longer if you're doing it alone......Surely you get the picture  The house can further grow but again the SAME tools will be used and so on...
I have from reading many, many threads identified the following Two categories of Wife Separating Man or Man Separating Wife scenarios; (I will use Wife Separating Man for the time being)
1.	Wife needs Separation to find herself, Independence and any other form of Primary needs to satisfy herself and move forward. Behaviour (W) : Usually very stubborn, this decision was made long before the Separation actually happened, Wife most likely detached her emotions from you some time ago. Communication is usually influenced by mood and is generally brief and holds no certainty or hope, affection is usually significant when required by Hubby but only on an emotional level. Wife usually has three toolboxes and is equipped for change and to fulfil her needs. She is open to conversation but not commitment of any sort on your behalf, she is usually honest and generally doesn’t feel the desire to find another partner. What to be aware of as Hubby : Wife’s Emotions will take their toll and scars will form over time but their stubborn nature will always prevail if you allow or continue your natural ways and/or behaviour. Wife is usually introverted yet keen on change. What you can/cannot do to change your relationship : DO NOT TRY 180 with Wife in this scenario, it will fail because you are not allowing her to miss you but purely sending her a message that you are weak, emotionally challenged and generally a liar about your progress, she is all too familiar with the distance and no communication game plan, remember she has lived this way for years, I repeat 180 WILL NOT WORK. What you need to do here is challenging because LOVE is there and so is HOPE and everything else, Wife wants you back but doesn’t want YOU back, what is usually missed in this scenario is to LISTEN and not always talk, for all those hubbies out there, LISTEN and it will pay dividends, your wife will usually express anger and emotion but just Listen and do not argue, wrong or right, I will guarantee if you do this and I will guarantee it that next time you speak with Wife she will apologise for expressing her anger. Accept gracefully. Try following these steps and try keeping to them if you want her back,
a.	Text her twice a week letting her know that you miss her and are thinking of her, tell her to have a great day.
b.	Talk at least three times a week over the phone, keep conversations short, talk about her feelings and if she doesn’t open up talk about yours, ask about her family and bring a little humour in with a joke or two about work or something silly you did.
c.	Suggest dates often even if she declines, if she does decline ask why but DO NOT push after that. Leave it a few days and ask again, maybe coffee, dinner or a movie, try something you know she enjoys.
d.	Encourage MC, she will most of the time either change the subject or say I will think about it, this is normal and displays a fortress that is going to take some breaking down, always ask for a yes/no answer, explain that you believe it will help your relationship, if she answers no and always answers no to point “d” or the above combined then;
Move on, enforce change and proceed with a divorce, time will not save you here and neither will your efforts. Move on and I assure you that once you mean business she will likely come around and start engaging the above, it’s a risk but it’s also a finality for you, you’ve tried, tried and tried and now you need to accept that it’s over and move on. Maybe one day you can still reconcile even after divorce, it happens many times especially in scenarios such as this one. Don’t be fooled though because a Wife of this nature usually won’t make the same mistakes again and will most likely find a partner who happens to be the greener grass. Give the above a good three months and see where it’s guided, remember to keep trying, you need to be her best friend right now and not the best husband so concentrate on that.
2.	Wife needs Separation because she needs space and time to think, Wife now needs change and interaction with others to feel comfortable. Behaviour (W) Usually erratic, Separation is sudden but usually ends in a confrontational conversation explaining that it’s not you it’s me. I also refer to this as the “Good Guy” scenario. Wife still has overwhelming emotions for you which are clouded by guilt and restraint. Communication is usually brief and never to the point, all messages or conversations will usually be about Wife and are sugar coated deluxe. Wife has the tools to build a house (Marriage) with you but has decided the doors are too small to enter and the windows are too difficult to open, her tools often break and begins searching for the greener grass. Emotional and Personal affairs are inevitable in this scenario, partying, flirting and all while keeping you on the back burner – very clever woman. Your official place at home has usually been the doormat or the baseball bat especially in arguments (not beating her of course, just thought it rhymed nicely). Emotions are all over the place, Wife is usually extraverted but sometimes introverted, in some cases I have discovered that some people can adapt a personality trait to a certain circumstance. Hope for hubby here is as far away as the moon and then as close as your bedroom door. What you need to and not to do to save your marriage, self respect and dignity;

a.	180 Here all, 180 all the way, don’t just cut off start deleting
i.	Telephone Numbers
ii.	Facebook profiles and relationship status
iii.	Any allowances (expect where Wife is taking care of kid/s)
b.	No texting, phoning, setting up dates, nothing, all you want to do here is move on and move forward with your life
c.	Try mentioning MC but I doubt it will work even if she accepts she will end up making some excuse not being able to attend
d.	I will assure you that she will come back eventually with open arms, sometimes she will use this as a tactic to refill and move on again and sometimes she will come back more mature and decide to reconcile and attend MC, this all depends on her, just concentrate on you and your kids if any.

DO NOT BECOME THE PAWN HERE on the chessboard, become the King and she will come back your queen, well in most cases anyways. The less you say in this scenario the better, don’t plead or beg as you will push her right off your scope. Remember that you should continue treating yourself well, don’t go looking for a whole library of changes but it wouldn’t hurt to or start something you really enjoy. Actually the 180 should be the 360 for this scenario, I can assure you it will work. Remember Wife is most likely having an EA or some sort of affair guaranteed, If she isn’t then she would be with you, after all why else wouldn’t she want to be with a Nice Guy? She will probably use words such as sweetie, baby, babe, honey, I love you and all the other B**LSH**t to keep to attracted emotionally. Take the carrot and break it in a zillion pieces.
The above is to help and is no way intentionally trying to label people, every scenario is different but on a 9/10 case scenario I found the above applicable. Hope it helps !!! 

Sorry again guys for the long post but I will continue to post here every day, I wish everyone out there luck and I want you all to know that you are in my thoughts and we will continue this fight, but let’s make sure it’s not with ourselves. Keep Strong !!!


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