# I'm such a wimp!!



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

I've whined a few times on the board.

I've spent years avoiding conflict. My wife doesn't compromise well. Every disagreement becomes a battle to the death to get her way. Over the years, it's been easier to just go along even when I don't agree. The (foreseeable) result is I feel like I have no control in the relationship at all...even to the point of not being able to clean off the kitchen table. When I do...there's a fight because invariably I'll move some random piece of paper and she can't instantly find it. It's gotten to the point where when I look at her, all I can see is the baggage.

When I came to this board, I was at the something has to change point. I won't live the next 10 years like the last 10.

So...last night I finally bucked up the courage to broach one of the big topics making me miserable...money. 10 years ago or so, a check cleared earlier than expected, and hit the same day as payday, but before the deposit hit. So we received an overdraft statement, and she took over all finances by threatening to leave with our (then infant) son if I didn't agree. I've been operating on a fixed weekly amount, for gas and incidentals, since.

Back to last night. I've been looking for opportunities to broach finance, control, and sex topics. I brought up our oldest son, and allowances. He has been absolutely stellar with his chores, going above and beyond all expectations. She went along with the idea. So I used the question of how much to segue into the real issue. I don't know how much, because I don't know anything about our finances. I said I don't like it. Her response "I know", then she changed the subject. I went back "I want it to change...I want to take over my account and bill again", she gave what I can only describe as an infuriating smug little smile....and changed the subject. I tried one more time..."So..it's a good time for you to...readjust...your thinking on this". There's that little smile (smirk?) again...and "Possibly". Then she changed the subject again, and started getting ready to go to work (she works nights).

So I dropped it. Gah! If I can't grow a pair, can I at least borrow some? 

We have a long travel coming up at the end of the month, so I can let it slide until we get back. But when we're back I'm taking my bank account back! (unless I cave...again....)


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Well, you know the problem, so now it's just committing to the solution. Seriously, who cares if your wife goes ballistic? That is her problem--and it sounds like she has huge control issues, by the way. How does this affect your children? I'd be very concerned about their mental health, with a mother who is so controlling. Put them and their needs in focus, and maybe you will realize YOU need to model confrontation--in a healthy, adult way, regardless of how she reacts. If they are old enough (and sounds like they are), you can let them know that you have learned that you need to stop avoiding confrontation and your relationship with their mom may change as a result. Get some individual counseling, too, to find out how to get a back bone. Doesn't matter so much why you don't have one, but lord knows you need one! I hope you follow through--one way or another, you'll be a lot happier. Best of luck.


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

DownButNotOut said:


> When I came to this board, I was at the something has to change point. I won't live the next 10 years like the last 10.
> ....)


this is how i felt after 14 yrs. im now separated and living on my own with my sons and going for divorce. the thought of living the same life for the next 14 yrs. well i just couldnt.

in 14 yrs, i pretty much had the same issues unresolved on a merry go around system. then we'd have good days and bad , then worst ever days. if you cant sort out things in 14 yrs, when can you?


----------



## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

Hi there 

I know exactly what you are saying Justean and I am in a similar situation to Downbutnotout with my h.

Anyway I have been married for 14 years in a couple of weeks but together for 20. I am not going to live the rest of my life like this and it is not easy and there is no easy time to do it but you need to do it for yourself as you are worth more. do you want to look back on your life in 10 years time and think why am I still here?

Hopefully next time I am on here I will be on my own with kids.


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Oh, I know what I am supposed to do. Even taking the wimpy little step I did last night was hard though.

Financially, and timewise, counseling isn't possible right now. So for this, I'm on my own.

*laugh* It's always easier to give advice to other people than follow through on your own, isn't it.


----------



## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I hate when my husband moves a random piece of paper! Our bank accounts are separate. We tend to hang out in separate rooms. We rarely agree on anything. I feel like we are tolerating each other's mess. The problems arise when the kids are involved. He decided to throw away all the kids' toys from the playroom, and forbidded me from stopping him. I don't even know what's coming next. It is better for me to wimp out then start a big fight and be in a foul mood when I take care of the kids.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

This is such a fantastic thread 



sisters359 said:


> Seriously, who cares if your wife goes ballistic? That is her problem


This is what you just can't see - yet, but you will. When you are no longer scared of her, you will be set free to be yourself.



DownButNotOut said:


> she gave what I can only describe as an infuriating smug little smile


That little smug look she gets, is actually not what it appears. It's actually her thinking, cool he is nearly ready to grow a pair and challenge me. Deep down, that's what she wants. Your sex life will improve when you can finally act like a man in her eyes. Of course you're already a man - but she sees you as inferior.

Form everything you are saying, it won't be long before you emerge as a new more confident being. "There is nothing to fear but fear itself".


----------



## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

MT is right, you confront her about these finances and your sex life problems will get fixed without even bringing up that subject.


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

wow... your job? your money? 

hmmm.... open a new account, deposit your money into it. Let her know (nicely) honey, I know we have had problems talking about money before. But don't worry about it, I handled it. Thanks  (then kiss her) 

No conflict, no possibility for her to say no, and you are taking back your gonads  

Let her rail and fuss. Just tell her that you really appreciate all she's done over the last 10 years but you figure you are able to handle things now, thanks. 

Do not let her rattle you. You can DO this! Do it now, before the trip... if you can stay calm and confident on the outside, the sex might just be amazing


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Separate your accounts, now!! deposit YOUR check into your account. Give her a little as needed! This is how you'll grow a pair. 

Dang, dude...I know things are messed up...but start YOUR life...she's welcome to come along for the ride...But get your life going, again.

Hold your ground! Do it for YOU.


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Thanks guys.

I know I can always open a new account, and change my direct deposit. I view that as the 'nuclear option'. It's what I'm prepared to do after the coming trip.

I'd rather have her cooperation on this though. It's the first step on a number of control issues: clutter, share of duties, yadda yadda. If I poison the well now...then the rest is that much harder. Besides, it feels like a cop-out.

I still think that look is "I've won this fight before...". Otherwise why keep changing the subject.

And still...a part of me hopes she digs in, and one of us starts looking for an apartment. I'm at the point where I just don't care one way or the other. Except for the kids...I put up with what I put up with so that I'm with my kids.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

DownButNotOut said:


> And still...a part of me hopes she digs in, and one of us starts looking for an apartment. I'm at the point where I just don't care one way or the other.


That's the best place to be in - if you want change. If you feel you have more or less nothing to lose, you won't be fighting with one hand tied behind you back. Guess who tied it? You.

If you can just work on becoming more aware of how she is manipulating you, you will automatically know what to do. One question I have though - do you both work, and who brings in the most money?


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You are kidding yourself if you think this is good for your kids. They need at least one mentally and emotionally healthy adult in their lives, not one who is a control freak and one who is weak and dependent. Use them as your motivation for doing the right thing by all of you. If your wife can't take it, that is her problem. Tell your kids they do not have to choose sides--that you will ALWAYS be there for them, and they will see from how you treat them that you are a fine person, even if anyone else says otherwise. Then follow through and be the parent they need. Get 50/50 placement if you leave, so they know you are serious. Best of luck.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

DownButNotOut said:


> I've whined a few times on the board.
> 
> I've spent years avoiding conflict. My wife doesn't compromise well. Every disagreement becomes a battle to the death to get her way. Over the years, it's been easier to just go along even when I don't agree. The (foreseeable) result is I feel like I have no control in the relationship at all...even to the point of not being able to clean off the kitchen table. When I do...there's a fight because invariably I'll move some random piece of paper and she can't instantly find it. It's gotten to the point where when I look at her, all I can see is the baggage.
> 
> ...



wow, you need to learn to communicate with your spouse and all that bottled up inside, it's just not good for you to hold all that in.
The key now will be to learn good negotiation skills !!!!


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

change the bank account TODAY. Just be nice about it and there will be no nuclear strike... just good decisions made on your part. do NOT wait till you get back from the trip. 

You are making excuses sweetie. She needs you to be strong even if you don't know it yet.


----------



## wantingmore (Nov 24, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> That's the best place to be in - if you want change. If you feel you have more or less nothing to lose, you won't be fighting with one hand tied behind you back. Guess who tied it? You.
> 
> If you can just work on becoming more aware of how she is manipulating you, you will automatically know what to do. One question I have though - do you both work, and who brings in the most money?


:iagree:

The day I made the decision I was done, it hurt beyond belief and leaving was the last thing I wanted to do.
Yet at the same time a HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders and I felt so liberated because I knew I would no longer allow myself to be treated that way.


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Ok...once more into the breach. 

The calendar is clear tonight. So...I'm going to try again to get her cooperation on this.

I need her cooperation if only because she is home during the day, and gets to the mail before I do. So if she wanted to, I'd never see a bill. Actually I don't see them as it stands now. *sigh*

Now to make her understand that I am not asking for her permission. I am seeking her cooperation. But it can happen, and will happen, without it.

MT: We both work, her part-time. My income is almost the entire family income. She made about 40% of me when she left her job to stay home with the kids. (6 years ago)

Once this hurdle is passed, I can move on to the next. IMO, marriage should be an equal partnership. For too long, I've let her control the whole shebang just to avoid fights.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

DownButNotOut said:


> For too long, I've let her control the whole shebang just to avoid fights.


And you have not completely let go of that mentality either...

If you had, you would simply open a bank account, have your wages paid into it, and then it would fall on you to pay the bills.

However, I agree it is better to carry her with you. If she senses you have made up your mind she might go along quietly. If she senses so much as a flinch or a waver, she will give you hell.

But you're doing well. You can only transit form where you are to where you want to be, one step at a time. We're all rooting for you


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

you can pay most of the bills online or even have them sent to your office or other PO box. There are lots of ways to skin that cat if you need to. Ask once for her cooperation, but don't require it. Let her know you don't require it, but that you expect it.


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Yep...she's ticked!

And she still doesn't get it.

I weathered both of her standard tacks. The calmer I stayed, the more flipped out she became. And regardless of what I said, she would find a way to spin it as negative as possible and toss it back at me. (like: 'I like gifts for you to be a surprise = You want to hide money from me' )

Well, I have the account back now. And she has stopped yelling. Ok...she's stopped talking too, but she stopped yelling. So that's something.

I kept trying to work a compromise, find some middle ground that we can both be happy with. Nope...it's all or nothing apparently. *sigh*

I guess the bright side is that I haven't caved yet. I don't think I will since the worst she can do is walk...and that doesn't scare me anymore.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

DownButNotOut said:


> I guess the bright side is that I haven't caved yet. I don't think I will since the worst she can do is walk...and that doesn't scare me anymore.


Good! Keep it up and she might even find it sexy 

Now, what you need to do now is add the missing ingredient: Lightness and flirting. If you can be light-hearted and jokey with her, it will gradually rub off on her and let her off the hook.

She will be embarrassed at having controlled you this long. Start light, but gradually turn up the flirting element - and don't trouble to see if she is responding. It will take time but she will respond. But she won't want you to know - too much pride.

Keep us up to date - so glad you found it within you


----------



## Terran007 (Jun 14, 2009)

Good stuff man. I was hoping you would report back. Seems like it went ok. I just don't know why you both can't have access to the account, but both agree that you do the bills. That way she knows you're not hiding any money, but you get to do the bills.

With technology the way it is today, it should be pretty easy to do this. Is this something you've discussed with her?


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Account access is really the big deal in all this. No...two people mucking about in one account is just trouble.

We do have two accounts: hers, and "ours" (where ours was really also hers, as I couldn't really do anything in it while she paid bills...one false move and bouncey!)

So what I wanted was the same two accounts but I control one. It just happens that that is the main account, where the bills are.

I tried to compromise...split the bills, set up auto transfer from one account to the other so it is even. I tried saying keep the bill account, and give me the other one. Nope...her account is her's. She doesn't compromise well...it's always all-or-nothing. So that's where we stand.


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

So have you tried the flirting? How did it go?


----------

