# Ruining relationships from trust issues



## GBValley (Jun 23, 2013)

Hi all,

First I want to say thank you to the contributors on this forum. Ive periodically come here to get good feedback and knowledge without contributing myself. Over 2 years ago my wife left me for someone else and I've done everything to turn my miserable self around with great success except in one area...trust. And this has damaged my relationship with someone from acting on stories in my head from over analysing things and pushing her away to the point I ended up hurting her. I've seen a few women over the last 18 months and it's never been an issue because I didn't think we were compatible past a certain point.

This woman is different, we only dated for 4 months - seeing each other pretty much every day though. It felt right but eventually I started looking for clues to anything else happening - out of fear, control so I know I won't get hurt, jealousy and trust.

I ruined it and now we're apart, doesn't matter who it is - it could be my perfect match but I would still ruin it.

So I'm committed to working in this area of my life so it doesn't happen again and in the hope I'll be able to reconnect with her too.

Has anyone else had these problems and what did you do to overcome it? Any success stories where you did get a second chance with someone through effects of CWI ruining it the first time?

I care about this person greatly. Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GBValley, sorry you are here, but glad you found us.

I believe that you could benefit from counselling such as Talk Therapy.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
A simple message but profound nonetheless. If you insulate yourself from pain you also insulate yourself from joy. To experience one you MUST risk the other. A life of solitude, living in fear of being hurt, carries its own unique pain especially to someone who finds little joy in being alone.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree with nochoice. Part of living this life we have is exposing ourselves to risk and potential pain, and trying to control everything is an exercise in futility because that kind of control is an illusion. You think you have it but you don't. 

You realize that it's not fair to make you new partner pay for the sins of the old and that's good. Look at it from the other side: her ex is an arse so does that mean she needs to be hypersensitive to everything you do? Her arse of an ex demanded BJ's so now you don't get them? How would you feel about that? Her ex spent too much time with his friends so now you can't see your friends? 

Considering these questions can give you a different perspective on things, because you certainly don't want to pay for the sins of her ex.

Also, really examine your role in your past relationship failure. Don't take blame for things you had nothing to do with you but take responsibility for things you could do differently. That will help keep you out of the victim chair, which is a miserable place to be. You have zero control while in the victim chair but once you leave it have a lot of control over yourself. That means that while you CAN'T control your partner you can observe and decide what you can live with. 

That's where you need to get. .... get to the point where you don't try to control your partner but keep your own personal boundaries of what you will tolerate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

I'm so very sorry that you have experienced this. It's my greatest fear. I've been with my H for 25 years so basically we've grown-up together. I was completely blindsided. In hindsight I can spot a few of the clues but not enough to avoid making the same mistakes again. I've chosen reconciliation but I don't think it makes much difference. If its the same person or someone new, our human instinct to protect ourselves from repeat devastation is natural. 

I think what NoChoice says is very true. By protecting ourselves we are denying ourselves future happiness. In your situation you've hurt an innocent because of the damage your ex has inflicted on you. Maybe a heart felt, vulnerable letter would help? Even if it doesn't 'fix' the relationship it would help her to heal. Because we have been hurt so extremely I think it's our duty to NOT hurt others as a result. 

When I read these forums & see the obvious pain, bitterness & resentment in the replys by some members it breaks my heart. Many profess that they will never give their heart completely again. I'm a hapless romantic. I know I will never be completely happy in any relationship where I'm guarded & cynical about the opposite sex. I guess all we can do is take a leap of faith. I don't know how. I'm not confident that my heart & soul can endure this pain again. I'm going to focus on healing myself. That's all we can do if we want that wonderful feeling of complete connection, safety & security in giving our all ever again. I don't want to end-up an old, bitter, lonely lady. I've already got 3 cats...it doesn't bode well!!


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## GBValley (Jun 23, 2013)

Thank you guys for the feedback, spot on particularly about the punishing current partner based on previous experiences....great perspective.

I have time to turn this around, I will write her that letter but give her time to breath away from my chaos, sort myself out then send it.

Cheers all, I'll post back here next month to let you know how its going.

Nick


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

I hear you. As it is I have been hurt deeply and trust issues have taken over my life, so much so that a new relationship now or someday in the future may suffer as I fear having my heart broken again. I suggest counselling. All the best.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

GBValley said:


> Thank you guys for the feedback, spot on particularly about the punishing current partner based on previous experiences....great perspective.
> 
> I have time to turn this around, I will write her that letter but give her time to breath away from my chaos, sort myself out then send it.
> 
> ...


Hey nice guy..no letter writing. Face her up and talk to her in person. I read a lot of nice guy in you. My wife left for another man, my relationships aren't working because I ruin them etc etc

There maybe an element of truth to you're punishing someone in your present about your past or simply this..

You meet one woman doesn't mean she has to be THE ONE or you meet someone and have to be in a relationship with them.

Dating is supposed to be a selection process, having fun whilst assessing compatibility. Maybe when we're younger some aspects are more important than others i.e She only has to be female lol As we get older we get more selective then again one aspect, such as her figure or looks may become less important than say trust or certain aspects of her personality.

Then you get cheated on, suddenly that flips everything around.

You say you've known this woman for four months and you've been speaking everyday etc. Firstly four months is nothing and secondly you're in contact everyday, you barely have time to breath, is there an element of things are moving too fast and you're trying to slow things down? 
Also why exactly should you absolutely trust? Maybe you're seeing some red flags, cheating brings about hypervigilance. Maybe as a nice guy you're going about things a certain way making covert contracts etc

I'd say cut yourself some slack. You know what you're doing, at least you have the sense to see that. If she knows what happened to you then maybe she'll cut you some slack.


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## GBValley (Jun 23, 2013)

Thanks, I wasn't detailed in what I wrote but I have actually accused her of flirting/cheating when she wasn't because I made stories in my head. Red flags....could be but it's the stories I'm concerned about, the need to prove to myself the worst is true and looking everywhere to do so. She might not be the one but I don't want to enter another relationship doomed from the start because of it.

She gave me plenty of time to talk through things and eventually I pushed her away. I can't get into it but there's a way of living she uses where you detach emotions from situations so she gave me time but eventually seeing I wasn't getting anywhere lost patience particularly as I was blaming her, living in the past and not paying attention to present and future.

Nice guy, yes or at least thought I was but the reality is I'm not a nice guy to be around anymore and that's the problem.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GBValley said:


> Thanks, I wasn't detailed in what I wrote but I have actually accused her of flirting/cheating when she wasn't because I made stories in my head. Red flags....could be but it's the stories I'm concerned about, the need to prove to myself the worst is true and looking everywhere to do so. She might not be the one but I don't want to enter another relationship doomed from the start because of it.
> 
> She gave me plenty of time to talk through things and eventually I pushed her away. I can't get into it but there's a way of living she uses where you detach emotions from situations so she gave me time but eventually seeing I wasn't getting anywhere lost patience particularly as I was blaming her, living in the past and not paying attention to present and future.
> 
> Nice guy, yes or at least thought I was but the reality is I'm not a nice guy to be around anymore and that's the problem.


Which is why you desperately need counselling.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

It sounds to me like you have a tendency to be codependent on your SO. You need to find happiness and true satisfaction within yourself. You shouldn't be having these types of issues four months into a relationship. Both of you jumped in way too fast IMO.

ETA: you should get the book Awareness by Anthony de Mello. It opened my eyes to a lot of the same thinking in myself.


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## GBValley (Jun 23, 2013)

I wouldn't disagree with that, I'm happy being by myself but as soon as I'm in a relationship I go that way....it didn't used to be like this. Just like I'm getting happier with myself now not losing myself being in a relationship and it's been only 7 days. I'll check out that book, thanks!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

GBvalley

I think it is great that you see the problem and want to fix your issues.

There is no way that a good person is not hurt by infidelity. 

The key is to not let the damage keep you down.

I commend you on questioning yourself and working on yourself.

HM


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

GBValley,

It may be too soon to get serious anyhow, you are still at risk of picking someone with the same flaws as your eX!

Tamat


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

GBValley said:


> Thanks, I wasn't detailed in what I wrote but I have actually accused her of flirting/cheating when she wasn't because I made stories in my head. Red flags....could be but it's the stories I'm concerned about, the need to prove to myself the worst is true and looking everywhere to do so. She might not be the one but I don't want to enter another relationship doomed from the start because of it.
> 
> She gave me plenty of time to talk through things and eventually I pushed her away. I can't get into it but there's a way of living she uses where you detach emotions from situations so she gave me time but eventually seeing I wasn't getting anywhere lost patience particularly as I was blaming her, living in the past and not paying attention to present and future.
> 
> Nice guy, yes or at least thought I was but the reality is I'm not a nice guy to be around anymore and that's the problem.


Because it is too soon. 

It is going to take you a good five years to get to a point where you will feel safe giving your heart and trust completely to another woman. And the only way you can do this successfully, I think, is if you get yourself into counseling. 

I say this because I have gone through the exact same issues you have with past partners. I get very jealous. It's not pretty, and it is not right, and I am still attending IC to work through my issues. And what is worse, I tend to gravitate to attractive, outgoing women who love to socialize and who other men like to talk to and sometimes flirt with. That makes it rough for me when myself and my date are at a party or social event and she leaves my side and starts flitting from person to person like a hummingbird. 

If she will not see you in person, write her a handritten letter and mail it to her. Take full responsibility for what you did to alienate her, tell her why, and tell her you are going to go to counseling to get the help you need to heal. Wish her the best for her future and thank her for her companionship and friendship. 

Don't beg her back. Just say goodbye.


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## GBValley (Jun 23, 2013)

Thanks all, I'll do what Bandit suggested and send her a letter bidding farewell.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

My mother is mentally ill and has very verbally abusive my whole life. 

My father is a total narcissist and left the family early because he could not deal with my mother. 

My sister who always tells me she loves me will make plans with me and choose alcohol instead and cancel plans. 

My husband who was so good to me in the beginning and such a mild-mannered farm boy turned out to be a serial cheater. 

I was raped in my early 20's by an acquaintance who I trusted a few of my personal secrets to. 

I recently found out three of my good friends were involved in affairs.

I have been let down by the people who were supposed to support me the most in life and I'm sure if it were affordable, I could sit in therapy the rest of my life and maybe get some benefit. 

No, my trust is gone. It's not coming back and I don't see myself every being in a relationship again. 

Luckily, I have many interests and enjoy being alone. I'm even used to no human physical contact. 

Yes, you have to be willing to be let down, hurt, disappointed, in any and all relationships. Life experience makes us who we are.

Many of us are kinder more sensitive people because of the nastiness that we have encountered. 

I for one am not at that place yet so I can give logical advice to say it's very healthy to move on and open your heart because in order to have love in your life, you must and will experience disappointments but I can't consciously do it.


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