# She won't keep boundaries with ex husband



## Texanguy4586 (Jun 26, 2016)

Glad I found this site. 

my girlfriend of over 2 years cannot set and keep appropriate boundaries with her ex husband. And neither will he. we are both in late 40's and no they only
Had step kids and they are grown so that's no reason. I have caught them many times in email and text Being totally inappropriate. Everything from "I miss you and need you" to full on xxx rated stuff. They both swear it's just talk and nothing physical. It's s classic case of emotional cheating which is what women gravitate to. Men go physical. I have never cheated on her or any woman. 

All the articles on cheating say that she must cut off all communication with him. But she won't do that. We tried her giving commitments to be appropriated but she cannot do that. She goes to him when she's upset with me. So I have work to do. But that's Horrible excuse. 

So what you guys think? Is my demand to cut communication unreasonable? What should I do? 

I love her very much.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Sadly Tex this is a one sided relationship, you love her and she disrespects you and your relationship. Until your ready to fold and walk away she is holding all the cards.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

You don't talk like that with an ex husband unless there is unfinished business & indeed something going on. 

Do you tell your ex you miss them & have dirty talk? 
No! Exactly because an ex is an ex for a reason. 

Time to give her an ultimatum, cut contact down to only kids talk. 

If she doesn't comply, time to find a more loyal partner. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

@Texanguy4586 - not intending to sound pedant but my experience boundaries were something I placed on myself not others. They defined the limits of what I could or would not tolerate. They came from a process of self examination. 

I wish you the best.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> Had step kids and they are grown so that's no reason. I have caught them many times in email and text Being totally inappropriate. Everything from "I miss you and need you" to full on xxx rated stuff. They both swear it's just talk and nothing physical. It's s classic case of emotional cheating which is what women gravitate to. Men go physical. I have never cheated on her or any woman.


there is nothing here to work with.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Wow, my wife will not even let me email my ex without cc to her. She keeps that wall strong and high. I think she is right to do that. It can be annoying, but I understand why she feels this way.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I'm with @MrsAldi that it sounds like they have unfinished business. To me it's not worth playing security with a girlfriend. Personally I would just bounce. An ex spouse as an affair partner is very common and quick to go sexual. They have that history and comfort with each other. 

Both men & women, even though divorced, can still harbor strong feelings for their ex and find it hard to resist finding themselves in compromising situations. Many won't even feel guilty because they don't think it's cheating if it's that ex.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She obviously WANTS to contact him, so why would you expect her to set a boundary to NOT contact him?

Sounds like YOU want HER to set up a boundary. In other words, you're trying to control her. 

And after years and years of therapy, I finally got it: the only person you can change is YOU. Any statement you make that revolves around what SHE is doing is an attempt at control and will fail every time.

You simply have to decide whether YOU are willing to have a boundary, and then ACT on it if she doesn't respect you.

I would have been gone after the third time it happened. Just to be fair. The fact that you stay simply shows that YOU have something inside you that keeps you from standing up for yourself, valuing yourself, being strong.

And here's a secret: no woman wants a weak man. The longer you 'let' her keep talking to him, the more strong HE appears and the weaker YOU appear, so he is becoming more and more appealing to her because you won't walk.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Texanguy4586 said:


> my girlfriend of over 2 years cannot set and keep appropriate boundaries with her ex husband. And neither will he. we are both in late 40's and no they only had step kids and they are grown so that's no reason. I have caught them many times in email and text Being totally inappropriate. Everything from "I miss you and need you" to full on xxx rated stuff. They both swear it's just talk and nothing physical. It's s classic case of emotional cheating which is what women gravitate to. Men go physical. I have never cheated on her or any woman.
> 
> All the articles on cheating say that she must cut off all communication with him. But she won't do that. We tried her giving commitments to be appropriated but she cannot do that. She goes to him when she's upset with me. So I have work to do. But that's Horrible excuse.
> 
> ...


Yes, it is unreasonable, but not in the way you think. You cannot control her. She is a grown woman, in control of her own actions. What you can do is tell her that this communication makes you feel awful, like she is cheating on you, and see what she does. She'll either stop, because she loves you and doesn't want to make you feel awful, or she won't, because she doesn't understand, doesn't care, still loves her ex, who knows.

If she won't stop, your only reasonable option is to end the relationship with her. You can only control you. If she won't stop communicating inappropriately with her ex and you don't want that in your relationship, end it.

Frankly, it seems like you've had that conversation with her already. Having it time #27 isn't going to get her to suddenly change.

Whether you have work to do on yourself is a completely separate issue. But you might want to do it so you can be better in your next relationship.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Texanguy4586 said:


> Glad I found this site.
> 
> my girlfriend of over 2 years cannot set and keep appropriate boundaries with her ex husband. And neither will he. we are both in late 40's and no they only
> Had step kids and they are grown so that's no reason. I have caught them many times in email and text Being totally inappropriate. Everything from "I miss you and need you" to full on xxx rated stuff. They both swear it's just talk and nothing physical. It's s classic case of emotional cheating which is what women gravitate to. Men go physical. I have never cheated on her or any woman.
> ...


This is easy.

You dump her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I believe there is something else keeping you from leaving, you cannot "love" her. Do you respect her and her treatment of you? She obviously has no respect for you. So how can you "love" someone you do not respect and who has no respect for you? Find out what the other reason is and you can shed the weight she has brought to your relationship. Then she will be free to contact, pursue, connect or whatever else she cares to do with her ex.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Texanguy4586 said:


> So what you guys think? Is my demand to cut communication unreasonable? What should I do?
> 
> I love her very much.


Start valuing yourself.
Anyone is worth more than this disrespect.

You are nothing more than a side show in this farce. Never be a doormat to anyone.

Dump her go completely dark and move on.


Read up 
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LE..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=AdxphNPqwQls3ac0dPFyETleemk-


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ask yourself why you very much love a woman who doesn't give a rat's ass about your feelings. Dump her.

And, now there are two posters with the exact same problem.


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## Texanguy4586 (Jun 26, 2016)

I guess I have to dump her. She's asking for another shot but offers no real solutions fur change. It's real simple. She gets upset with me and goes running to him. I've recommended she get some girlfriends but she resists. 

She had spent days now just turning it on me. That I dint make her happy.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think you should help her in fostering a relationship with her ex.
She needs to sext him and such regularly. She has needs and you're not fulfilling them. This is your fault! I'll bet you work too much and don't give her enough attention, right? She's a PERSON, man!
Don't you care about anyone but yourself? What about him? He's obviously lonely. Why can't you bring yourself to show some support for your ex wife's attempts to help this poor man? You just aren't compassionate--- are you?

Think about it this way--- if you support her in everything she does, she can't help but love you.
And if you get really lucky, she might let you watch her bang her ex in front of you! Would that not be really sexy and cool?
No need to hide this, she can now bring it out in the open. Maybe she'd even let you buy him dinner and offer him a place to sleep? 
He may have been laid off from work.... You could be a little more selfless and offer him your bed with your wife, the guest room wouldn't make him feel at all at home, would it? I hear Eskimos do that when a traveler is making their rounds.

You just need to lighten up and think of others. Stop being so selfish.
Geez.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> I think you should help her in fostering a relationship with her ex.
> She needs to sext him and such regularly. She has needs and you're not fulfilling them. This is your fault! I'll bet you work too much and don't give her enough attention, right? She's a PERSON, man!
> Don't you care about anyone but yourself? What about him? He's obviously lonely. Why can't you bring yourself to show some support for your ex wife's attempts to help this poor man? You just aren't compassionate--- are you?
> 
> ...


Sarcastic eloquence.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

This IS very simple.

"GF, your behavior with your exH is unacceptable. There are very few men who would tolerate their GF sexting and having other inappropriate conversations with their exH. I am NOT one of them. Either cut contact with your exH completely or I am ending this relationship. You have a few hours to think it over. Let me know."


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Haven't I read this script in another thread before???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Texanguy4586 said:


> It's s classic case of emotional cheating which is what women gravitate to. Men go physical.


Tex, your sweeping..and inaccurate..over ageneralization there about what men and women tend to do make this more about you loving yourself than her. 

If she's committed to you AND her relationship with you confirms that...then this is your problem, not hers. 

People get divorced, but that doesn't mean that the relationship ends..especially when their are kids (of any age) involved. Rather, what happens is the relationship changes. Whoever or wherever you've gotten the advice that she needs to "End it" is very naive.

If you find her behavior intolerable and she is either unwilling or unable to change it, you can either address your own insecurity or need for control so it doesn't interfere..or you can leave her.

But she's really not under any obligation to cease something that merely highlights your own issues. people have histories that pre date the current situations. As long as that history isn't actively preventing the creation and maintenance of a good future..and txting doesn't fit that... it's often better to accept it.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Unicus said:


> Tex, your sweeping..and inaccurate..over ageneralization there about what men and women tend to do make this more about you loving yourself than her.
> 
> If she's committed to you AND her relationship with you confirms that...then this is your problem, not hers.
> 
> ...


Wait, what? Did you read the part where the "kids" are step kids, now independent grown adults, and the conversations between the exH and the OP's GF consist of things like how much they want/need each other and sexting?

I'd hardly say that the OP is insecure or controlling to think it's inappropriate. It _is_ inappropriate.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Where's the forehead slapping emoticon????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Texanguy4586 (Jun 26, 2016)

Thanks Unicus. You are right. It's a lot of my insecurities. This is all so hard. I have come up with the following some time ago 

I believe God wired us to be with another person (man or woman). So then why is it so [email protected] hard? It's like God's cruel joke on mankind!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Dude, really?
You think this is your fault because you're insecure??? Lol, that's crazy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Texanguy4586 (Jun 26, 2016)

No it's not my fault. But I do have to ask why she feels the need to go to another man. My ex wife did the same. Long distance emotional relationship. I had failed horribly to meet her emotional needs for years. It's no wonder my ex wife struck up that affair. 

I'm not taking blame. But I can see that I need to do a better job at being there for others.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Texanguy4586 said:


> No it's not my fault. But I do have to ask why she feels the need to go to another man. My ex wife did the same. Long distance emotional relationship. I had failed horribly to meet her emotional needs for years. It's no wonder my ex wife struck up that affair.
> 
> I'm not taking blame. But I can see that I need to do a better job at being there for others.


Married people talk to each other and work out their problems. Did you seek out at least emotional affair with another woman because of her issues (we all have them)?

Where's that head slapping emoticon?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If this is for real, you need to prepare to have 2 exes. Because your current wife is banging or about to be banging her ex.

Your picker needs fixing and your self confidence needs boosting.

Tell us more about your reasoning behind your belief that you are emotionally unsupportive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Texanguy4586 said:


> My girlfriend of over 2 years cannot set and keep appropriate boundaries with her ex husband. I love her very much.


I noticed something wrong with your text....really wrong.

*She is not a girl*...she's past her prime. And it's past your time to jettison the Bargain Basement Cruiseship Leftover into the Barren Sea. You know why all those fish follow these floating behemoths? They get yesterdays crab dinners.

*She is not a friend*. Friends do not let friends drive.....drive themselves heartsick-crazy.

You are her comfort blanket. He is the mattress that she sleeps on and dreams of.

She can do this. And she does.

You love her very much. Her is not here...never was. You love someone who looks like her. 

She is using you.

You have no right to expect her to do your bidding. You are not married, there is no fidelity clause and no contract.

People are under no obligation to be kind and fair. 

A shame.....hurts, doesn't it? 

Quietly leave...with no explanation. She does not deserve one.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

This is not your fault and what she is doing is wrong. Talking about the adult step kids once in a while is one thing. Sexting is not acceptable and you should've drop her on the 1st offense. She just your girlfriend not your wife. 

Are you guys living together? If this is your place, give her 72 hours to vacate before you have Mr Smithers release the hounds. If it's her place, you should bounce ASAP. Don't spend an additional day getting disrespected like that. The longer you're in that type of situation, the more damage you do to your psyche. 

It sounds like you give off the doormat vibe to women. They don't like that. Women respond to strength and confidence. Don't project your wanting sweetness as something she wants. Not saying being a d!ck but flexible nice guy is in low demand. Something to keep in mind for your next girl.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Texanguy4586 said:


> Thanks Unicus. You are right. It's a lot of my insecurities. This is all so hard. I have come up with the following some time ago
> 
> I believe God wired us to be with another person (man or woman). So then why is it so [email protected] hard? It's like God's cruel joke on mankind!


It's not insecure to have standards of behavior, like not cheating, you expect your SO to follow.



Texanguy4586 said:


> No it's not my fault. But I do have to ask why she feels the need to go to another man. My ex wife did the same. Long distance emotional relationship. I had failed horribly to meet her emotional needs for years. It's no wonder my ex wife struck up that affair.
> 
> I'm not taking blame. But I can see that I need to do a better job at being there for others.


Look at it from another POV. Maybe you just have a broken picker and gravitate to the kind of woman who cheats and then claims it's all your fault for not being there for her. Which, btw, is complete bullsh!t. If your "not being there" is a problem, the woman has other options. Like working on it with you or ending the relationship.


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## AngelHeart888 (Jun 21, 2016)

No, your expectation is NOT unreasonable at all!! Are you kidding me?? What she's doing is totally inappropriate. It seems to me that if she doesn't understand this, it's time to cut her loose. I'm sorry, I know this is hard, but sometimes, you have to do the hard thing.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Have you ever wanted to just say "shut the hell up" to another member?

Of course this isn't the OP's fault. This has nothing to do with his insecurities. This has everything to do with his girlfriend acting like a dog in heat. Very unattractive. Very inconsiderate. Very insecure on her part.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I forgot she was just his gf. They're not even married... 

Two words:

Move on!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Texanguy4586 said:


> Thanks Unicus. You are right. It's a lot of my insecurities. This is all so hard. I have come up with the following some time ago
> 
> I believe God wired us to be with another person (man or woman). So then why is it so [email protected] hard? It's like God's cruel joke on mankind!


OP are you freaking kidding me???? What your gf is doing is completely and utterly inappropriate!

You shouldn't even go to your family with your relationship problems but she's running to her ex??? What the????

Tell her you've established a boundary, and that if she violates it you will end the relationship.

Or just end it now - that's what I'd be doing.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Wait, what? Did you read the part where the "kids" are step kids, now independent grown adults, and the conversations between the exH and the OP's GF consist of things like how much they want/need each other and sexting?
> 
> I'd hardly say that the OP is insecure or controlling to think it's inappropriate. It _is_ inappropriate.


Wait.

It IS inappropriate. That's not the issue. It's what to do about it.

She might be divorced but they still have a relationship. If he cannot tolerate her behavior he has 2 choices: Learn to accept them or leave her. But, it sounds like she's made her choice.

In a situation like that, we can certainly can sympathize with his frustration, but it's up to him to decide how much of a deal breaker txting is.

Sorry if that wasn't clear.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It wasn't just texting him a lot (that alone is a deal breaker for a normal person), it was X-RATED texting.

How can you spin this in any other way other than it's wrong and he should break up with her?

What OP is accepting is ludicrous.

Dump her like a load of bricks. She wants her ex. She's going to dump you anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

'We teach others how to treat us, by the behavior we are willing to accept from them'- This quote i apply to each and every relationship in my life. 
Dude, stop allowing yourself to be treated like sh!te.THANKFULLY are not even married to her. Find someone else who will treat you right and move on happily in your life with them.
She isn't worth the heartache, and you just need to re-asses your self worth


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

His picker is a pickle-er.

It keeps putting the Texan in the briny water.......rather IT picks a SHE. And [a] SHE does the canning.

His spirit is the first to shrivel....then his mind.

This is a family show..I cannot continue on the shriveling phenomenon, that sooner or later affects all of the male species. 

OP, get out of Waco....shrink from view.

Harm comes not, to he, who is now a warm spot in a now vacant chair.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> It wasn't just texting him a lot (that alone is a deal breaker for a normal person), *it was X-RATED texting.
> *
> How can you spin this in any other way other than it's wrong and he should break up with her?
> 
> ...


I agree that he should end it ASAP. This is not her 1st offense either. If she's sexting her ex, you know they're hooking up as well. 

Ex spouse have so much history and comfort with each other. The absence makes them forget why they divorced. Right now they're obviously hot for each other. I'm sure if they got back together it would fail but when you're all caught up in the heat of the moment
logic goes out the window. I suspect that she's looking for an exit plan. OP she oblige by cutting her loose.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Texanguy4586 said:


> Thanks Unicus. You are right. It's a lot of my insecurities. This is all so hard. I have come up with the following some time ago
> 
> I believe God wired us to be with another person (man or woman). So then why is it so [email protected] hard? It's like God's cruel joke on mankind!


Would you let another man walk up to you on the street and repeatedly poke you in the face without doing anything?

Most likely not.

So another man and your girlfriend are texting, saying loveydovey stuff, TO YOUR FACE!!

And your answer is... "Baby stop talking to him, baby get a girlfriend"

Poke, poke, poke, and you're standing there like a mannequin

Meanwhile your girl is texting a dude and you're allowing it, how attractive do you think that is, and how much respect do you think she has for you that she continually continues to do this?


You must like being poked in the face.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yeah, I noticed OP said women have emotional affairs and men go physical.

That's really out in deep space somewhere. Women are just as likely as men to "go physical".

Yet another ridiculous statement.

My girlfriend is sexting her ex and it's my fault because I'm insecure and have driven women to cheat on me in the past by not being emotionally supportive. 

Uh, ok. You know yoursekf better than I do. But apparently you don't know women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Texanguy4586 said:


> No it's not my fault. But I do have to ask why she feels the need to go to another man. *My ex wife did the same*. Long distance emotional relationship. I had failed horribly to meet her emotional needs for years. It's no wonder my ex wife struck up that affair.
> 
> I'm not taking blame. But I can see that I need to do a better job at being there for others.


This just means you have a bad picker. Meaning, your dysfunction (insecurity, low self esteem) causes you to seek out a particular kind of woman. And you won't even realize how you're being attracted to that kind of woman (the kind that cheats). What to do? Two things. Go to therapy and work on your issues and learn more about why you pick the women you do. A good start for that is to read the first half of the book Getting The Love You Want (Hendrix).

Now, when you say you failed horribly to meet her needs, what exactly do you mean? Did you not care in the past? Did you not know what her needs were? Or is this what SHE is telling you? Specifics, please.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

When a person wants a divorce, they can come up with all kinds of reasons that simply are either untrue or highly exaggerated or totally ridiculous.
i.e.
he didn't like the way she vacuumed
she didn't like the way he chewed his food
her/his needs were unmet even though they had never bothered to discuss it

Always look to the source when assertions are made.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Unicus said:


> But she's really not under any obligation to cease something that merely highlights your own issues. people have histories that pre date the current situations. As long as that history isn't actively preventing the creation and maintenance of a good future..and txting doesn't fit that... it's often better to accept it.


 This is by far the worst advice I have ever read on this site. Are you actually saying that her sexting her ex and "running to him" every-time that she gets upset with the OP is OK? Are you really saying that an emotional affair (EA), and that is what this is, does not hurt the OP in the "creation and maintenance of a good future" with her, and that an emotional affair is OK because their relationship has "histories that pre date the current situations"?When you start a new relationship, people that you have romantic histories with need to be left completely in the past. 

This is not a matter of the OP being insecure for not being OK with his significant other's (SO) emotional affair. This is a matter of the OP not being self confident enough to not let himself be walked on by his SO and her EA affair partner. The OP needs to have the self respect to move on if she is not over her ex. As an FYI, it is not uncommon for people to re-hookup with and give a 2nd chances to their exs, with the ex often disrespecting any other relationship with others that their former spouse may have at the time.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

@Unicus I am not sure how to respond to your advise. It seems rooted in Plan A, Plan B. If I missed it could you restate your thoughts on the sexting and how that impacts the situation - and only the sexting.

To echo an earlier poster, boundaries are standards we set for our self's and only for our self. You do not beg or argue for another to adopt them. The other person has a choice, except them or both of you move on. 

An extreme example: she has a server peanut allergy. Using a CLEAN spoon that was to scoop peanuts can kill her. So could you possibly be with ok thinking if she is not around it is ok to grab a handful of peanuts at a bar? 

Yes, this example does fit as anyone that thinks our emotional health does not effect us physically is mistaken.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

TRy said:


> This is by far the worst advice I have ever read on this site. Are you actually saying that her sexting her ex and "running to him" every-time that she gets upset with the OP is OK? Are you really saying that an emotional affair (EA), and that is what this is, does not hurt the OP in the "creation and maintenance of a good future" with her, and that an emotional affair is OK because their relationship has "histories that pre date the current situations"?When you start a new relationship, people that you have romantic histories with need to be left completely in the past.
> 
> This is not a matter of the OP being insecure for not being OK with his significant other's (SO) emotional affair. This is a matter of the OP not being self confident enough to not let himself be walked on by his SO and her EA affair partner. The OP needs to have the self respect to move on if she is not over her ex. As an FYI, it is not uncommon for people to re-hookup with and give a 2nd chances to their exs, with the ex often disrespecting any other relationship with others that their former spouse may have at the time.


What exactly is it that you're misunderstanding as "By far the worst advice"? Let's talk facts.

I said very clearly that the txting is inappropriate. The issue is what to do about it. And I also said that the OP has 3 choices: Try to work with him to separate the past from now; Accept it; or end the relationship with the OP. There's not much else to do, yes?

There's entirely too much drama here, the issue isn't just blindly supporting someone, it's responding to their situation without the interfering effects of emotion or over identification. He's got a relationship with his ex that pre dates the current one. He still has an unresolved attachment with her. He acts this out with the txting. 

Any of this "The worst"? or even, untrue?

Just as an aside, the rules and the boundaries of communication have changed pretty drastically over the last 15 years or so. 'Twas a time when people used their phones to actually talk to each other, which left less room for ambiguity or doubt about intent. The issue isn't so much what someone txts. it's what they actually do. In this case, it seems to be nothing other than txting.

So, the issue is what it could mean or portend for the future. I agree it's not good. But, given the history, it's not only understandable but predictable..again, not necessarily good. Folks get divorced, and they still have a relationship, it's complicated.

Methinks the solution..other than to point fingers and label this with corny psychobabble ("Emotional affair"), is to talk with him about this and try to get him to establish boundaries that are more consistent with their current relationship, and the current reality. In the absence of that, to accept that words..even x rated ones...aren't quite the same thing as x rated behaviors.

Clear?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Unicus said:


> What exactly is it that you're misunderstanding as "By far the worst advice"? Let's talk facts.
> 
> I said very clearly that the txting is inappropriate. The issue is what to do about it. And I also said that the OP has 3 choices: Try to work with him to separate the past from now; Accept it; or end the relationship with the OP. There's not much else to do, yes?
> 
> ...


 I did not say that all of your advice was bad. I very specifically cited as bad advice your statement "But she's really not under any obligation to cease something that merely highlights your own issues. people have histories that pre date the current situations. As long as that history isn't actively preventing the creation and maintenance of a good future..and txting doesn't fit that... it's often better to accept it." as bad advice since you are telling him that it is "better to accept" this behavior because she and her ex have "histories that pre date the current situations" and therefore she is "not under any obligation to cease something that merely highlights" the OP's issues. You say this as if the OP has issues instead of her, and as if the x rating texting between her and the OM does not have a negative impact on "the creation and maintenance of a good future" with her. That is very different than your current statement that "I said very clearly that the txting is inappropriate. The issue is what to do about it. And I also said that the OP has 3 choices: Try to work with him to separate the past from now; Accept it; or end the relationship with the OP." where you now are giving him 3 options instead saying that it is better to accept it like you did in your quote that I cited.

Also, although on one hand you say in this post that the "txting is inappropriate", you also discount the x rated texting as no big deal when you say for him "to accept that words..even x rated ones...aren't quite the same thing as x rated behaviors". In other words you are still arguing for him to accept this behavior since you believe that the the emotional affair that goes along with this inappropriate texting is noting more than "corny psychobabble".

Clear?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

X-rated communication is an x-rated behavior. And x-rated communication leads to x-rated sex. We all know this. Which is why he should run like the wind. If he tolerates this now, what else will he tolerate? He might as well give up getting married if he accepts a woman who does this crazy stuff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

TRy said:


> I did not say that all of your advice was bad. I very specifically cited as bad advice your statement "But she's really not under any obligation to cease something that merely highlights your own issues. people have histories that pre date the current situations. As long as that history isn't actively preventing the creation and maintenance of a good future..and txting doesn't fit that... it's often better to accept it." as bad advice since you are telling him that it is "better to accept" this behavior because she and her ex have "histories that pre date the current situations" and therefore she is "not under any obligation to cease something that merely highlights" the OP's issues. You say this as if the OP has issues instead of her, and as if the x rating texting between her and the OM does not have a negative impact on "the creation and maintenance of a good future" with her. That is very different than your current statement that "I said very clearly that the txting is inappropriate. The issue is what to do about it. And I also said that the OP has 3 choices: Try to work with him to separate the past from now; Accept it; or end the relationship with the OP." where you now are giving him 3 options instead saying that it is better to accept it like you did in your quote that I cited.
> 
> Also, although on one hand you say in this post that the "txting is inappropriate", you also discount the x rated texting as no big deal when you say for him "to accept that words..even x rated ones...aren't quite the same thing as x rated behaviors". In other words you are still arguing for him to accept this behavior since you believe that the the emotional affair that goes along with this inappropriate texting is noting more than "corny psychobabble".
> 
> Clear?


What's clear is your misunderstanding of my position.

The issue isn't just the x rated txting, it's not that simple. Its about their post divorce relationship and how they manage that, esp. with remarriage. They aren't doing a very good job at that, and the best advice is to recognize the txting as a symptom, and therefore an important opportunity to start work. Setting your hair on fire won't get you there.

Divorce isn't as clean as many would like or hope. There's often still an emotional attachment, and that requires time and a plan to work thru. It takes some patience and self confidence in the relationship you've built to begin the talk around something other than demands and accusations.

Lastly, my advice isn't "The worst ever seen here" simply b/c you either disagree with it, or misunderstand it. I don't mind conversation or explanation, but the judgement is inappropriate.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What's expected by anyone is for their SO to have all past relationships finite, as in DONE, before getting into another. Clearly unfinished business here.

OP should save his dignity and set her free to bang her ex a while.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Unicus said:


> The issue isn't just the x rated txting, it's not that simple.


 Yes, it is. He is already divorced over an emotional affair and doesn't want another one. Time to go.



> Its about their post divorce relationship and how they manage that, esp. with remarriage.


 Good lord I hope he doesn't renter the marriage world with this woman.



> They aren't doing a very good job at that, and the best advice is to recognize the txting as a symptom, and therefore an important opportunity to start work. Setting your hair on fire won't get you there.


 He needs to leave, they are unmarried, before it gets to fire hair status.



> Divorce isn't as clean as many would like or hope. There's often still an emotional attachment, and that requires time and a plan to work thru. It takes some patience and self confidence in the relationship you've built to begin the talk around something other than demands and accusations.


No. Having a hard time emotionally removing yourself and sexting are WORLDS apart. Well, for most people at any rate. 

OP, if you keep believing it is your fault, your broken "picker" will never be fixed. You'll spend the rest of your life hooking up with flawed women.



> Lastly, my advice isn't "The worst ever seen here" simply b/c you either disagree with it, or misunderstand it. I don't mind conversation or explanation, but the judgement is inappropriate.


Unless, of course, it comes from you. LOL.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Unicus said:


> Divorce isn't as clean as many would like or hope. There's often still an emotional attachment, and that requires time and a plan to work thru. It takes some patience and self confidence in the relationship you've built to begin the talk around something other than demands and accusations.


 Putting up with her breaking normal relationship boundaries is not a sign of "patience and self confidence". Dating is part of the selection process where you are suppose to weed out people that are not ready to be good spouse materiel, instead of staying with someone in the hopes that they will one day change. She is not over her ex and may never be. The OP is not married to her and does not have any children with her, thus he should not be dating her until she is over her ex. This is the core of why we disagree. 



Unicus said:


> Lastly, my advice isn't "The worst ever seen here" simply b/c you either disagree with it, or misunderstand it. I don't mind conversation or explanation, but the judgement is inappropriate.


 Again, I did not think that all of you advice was the "worst ever seen here". I just thought that the statement I quoted was. That being said, I agree that it would have been best if I left that statement out.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

TRy said:


> Putting up with her breaking normal relationship boundaries is not a sign of "patience and self confidence". Dating is part of the selection process where you are suppose to weed out people that are not ready to be good spouse materiel, instead of staying with someone in the hopes that they will one day change. She is not over her ex and may never be. The OP is not married to her and does not have any children with her, thus he should not be dating her until she is over her ex. This is the core of why we disagree.
> 
> Again, I did not think that all of you advice was the "worst ever seen here". I just thought that the statement I quoted was. That being said, I agree that it would have been best if I left that statement out.


I appreciate your retraction of your harsh judgment, but it does illuminate a problem here that some react not so much from an understanding of a particular perspective, but from an over identification with some issue being discussed. In effect, it becomes about them, instead of the OP. I'm Ok with anyone disagreeing with something I've said for any reason, but I'm not Ok with someone judging me. ...and especially that harshly. Go read some of my other stuff and get a sense of my perspective or sensibilities. 

What we see differently isn't so much the toxicity of the actual behavior.....I think we agree it's not exactly wholesome...nor does it bode well for the future...but rather the response to it. Especially in light of the fact that the OP didn't seek our confirmation for the decision to end the relationship. the perspective I offered was based on an approach that took these needs into consideration, instead of a rush to judgment over the act of txting itself.

Things often take time for folks to process and work thru, I just offered to take that walk with the OP for a while and see where it went..especially since the behavior of x rated txting is more obnoxious than dangerous.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Unicus said:


> I appreciate your retraction of your harsh judgment, but it does illuminate a problem here that some react not so much from an understanding of a particular perspective, but from an over identification with some issue being discussed. In effect, it becomes about them, instead of the OP. I'm Ok with anyone disagreeing with something I've said for any reason, but I'm not Ok with someone judging me. ...and especially that harshly. Go read some of my other stuff and get a sense of my perspective or sensibilities.
> 
> What we see differently isn't so much the toxicity of the actual behavior.....I think we agree it's not exactly wholesome...nor does it bode well for the future...but rather the response to it. Especially in light of the fact that the OP didn't seek our confirmation for the decision to end the relationship. the perspective I offered was based on an approach that took these needs into consideration, instead of a rush to judgment over the act of txting itself.
> 
> Things often take time for folks to process and work thru, I just offered to take that walk with the OP for a while and see where it *went..especially since the behavior of x rated txting is more obnoxious than dangerous.*


*
*
Unicus, here's what I don't get--- you think sexting is not dangerous to a relationship. I know for a fact that's it's not only dangerous, but is the beginning of the end if a relationship.
Or should I say the beginning of a sexual relationship with whoever is receiving the sexts, and the end of the relationship with the current bf.
"Obnoxious"????? I'm thinking more like horrendously disrespectful, nasty, ****ty, and shameful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> [/B]
> Unicus, here's what I don't get--- you think sexting is not dangerous to a relationship. I know for a fact that's it's not only dangerous, but is the beginning of the end if a relationship.
> Or should I say the beginning of a sexual relationship with whoever is receiving the sexts, and the end of the relationship with the current bf.
> "Obnoxious"????? I'm thinking more like horrendously disrespectful, nasty, ****ty, and shameful.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


E, I'm not saying txting is acceptable or good. I really need to make that clear. You guys are coming at it from your own perspective based on what seems to be a very bad experience. I get that. I don't want to minimize or certainly not dismiss what you guys went thru, but it might be different for the OP. The behavior might be the same, but the result might not. And, you seem comfortable with your actions..what you did...the OP isn't so sure about the response.

My perspective is based not so much on my own experience, but rather what I think the OP was looking for, which was a way of trying to hold onto the relationship. So, in THAT context, rather than setting my hair on fire over the undesirability of the txting, taking a slightly more measured approach not only seems to be in order, but also, harmless. Not good, mind you....I personally think the whole txting thing is out of control in general, the availability to instantly communicate without actually having the actual interpersonal contact makes these sorts of situations way too easy...not good, but in order to help the OP sort out options, a way of by passing the ultimatum and getting the stated result, which is to remain in the relationship.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Unicus said:


> Go read some of my other stuff and get a sense of my perspective or sensibilities.


 You seem to think that my negative opinion of one of your statements, is the same as me having that same negative opinion of you. That is not the case. 



Unicus said:


> I just offered to take that walk with the OP for a while and see where it went..especially since the behavior of x rated txting is more obnoxious than dangerous.


 There is a big difference between x rated texting with a person that you do not know in person, and x rated texting with someone that you know and have had sex with in the past, especially when those texts include such statements as "I miss you and need you". This X rated texting is more than just "obnoxious". It is downright "dangerous" to the relationship. 

When you add in that she runs to the ex every time she has a disagreement with the OP, instead keeping it between them and trying to work it out with the OP, you should not be telling the OP that "But she's really not under any obligation to cease something that merely highlights your own issues. people have histories that pre date the current situations. As long as that history isn't actively preventing the creation and maintenance of a good future..and txting doesn't fit that... it's often better to accept it." 

The core question that the OP asked us in his very first post to this thread was "Is my demand to cut communication unreasonable? What should I do?" I and others have been answering that question and telling him that he is not being unreasonable, while you have been telling the OP that "it's often better to accept" this bad behavior" for a while "and see where it went". I and others have learned that you must be willing to end a relationship, in order to best have a chance at a relationship worth being in.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> If this is for real, you need to prepare to have 2 exes. Because your current wife is banging or about to be banging her ex.
> 
> Your picker needs fixing and your self confidence needs boosting.
> 
> ...


To get back to focus on the OP:

I agree with @Evinrude58^ and will add my take which is this is less about her lack of boundaries and more about YOUR lack of boundaries.

You know what she is doing is wrong and hurtful. I would divorce my H for sexting another woman -- it's a form of cheating.

She's just a girlfriend, not your wife. Why haven't you stuck up for yourself and dropped her? You have been cheated on before, by your admission. Why haven't you taken the lesson to heart about not accepting what is unacceptable?

You know how this movie ends.

_"If you keep going the path you are on, you will eventually get there."_


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Texanguy4586 said:


> I guess I have to dump her. She's asking for another shot but offers no real solutions fur change. It's real simple. She gets upset with me and goes running to him. I've recommended she get some girlfriends but she resists.
> 
> She had spent days now just turning it on me. That I dint make her happy.


What not to do: Remind her that her sexting with her ex-husband makes you feel sad. 

What to do: Leave a woman who desires to have inappropriate communication with her ex-husband.

Do you even want a wife who you have to ask to stop having romantic communication with other men?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Unicus said:


> E, I'm not saying txting is acceptable or good. I really need to make that clear. You guys are coming at it from your own perspective based on what seems to be a very bad experience. I get that. I don't want to minimize or certainly not dismiss what you guys went thru, but it might be different for the OP. The behavior might be the same, but the result might not. And, you seem comfortable with your actions..what you did...the OP isn't so sure about the response.


It isn't about the others so called bad experiences at all, that's a red herring.It ISN'T different for the OP at all, it is right there for everyone to see in the OP



> *my girlfriend of over 2 years* *cannot set and keep appropriate boundaries with her ex husband*. --snip--Everything from *"I miss you and need you" to full on xxx rated stuff.*


 *OVER TWO YEARS*. She hasn't stopped in OVER TWO YEARS. Your argument might be valid for a newly divorced and MAYBE, possibly, a person a year out. If she has unresolved feelings for her ex *OVER TWO YEARS later* , it isn't about his insecurities at all.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Omfg gtfo asap


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Texanguy4586 said:


> No it's not my fault. But I do have to ask why she feels the need to go to another man. My ex wife did the same. Long distance emotional relationship. I had failed horribly to meet her emotional needs for years. It's no wonder my ex wife struck up that affair.
> 
> I'm not taking blame. But I can see that I need to do a better job at being there for others.


OK, so a better job.

But with some OTHER woman.

Send this one packing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Wait, what? Did you read the part where the "kids" are step kids, now independent grown adults, and the conversations between the exH and the OP's GF consist of things like how much they want/need each other and sexting?
> 
> I'd hardly say that the OP is insecure or controlling to think it's inappropriate. It _is_ inappropriate.


What's w/ the inconvenient details?

Stay on script!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

texanguy4586 said:


> glad i found this site.
> 
> My girlfriend of over 2 years cannot set and keep appropriate boundaries with her ex husband. And neither will he. We are both in late 40's and no they only
> had step kids and they are grown so that's no reason. I have caught them many times in email and text being totally inappropriate. Everything from "i miss you and need you" to full on xxx rated stuff. They both swear it's just talk and nothing physical. It's s classic case of emotional cheating which is what women gravitate to. Men go physical. I have never cheated on her or any woman.
> ...


this is @jdesey! Mods??

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...heating-hurts-just-much-text-email-phone.html


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

And @Unicus....really??


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Unicus said:


> What's clear is your misunderstanding of my position.
> 
> The issue isn't just the x rated txting, it's not that simple. Its about their post divorce relationship and how they manage that, esp. with remarriage. They aren't doing a very good job at that, and the best advice is to recognize the txting as a symptom, and therefore an important opportunity to start work. Setting your hair on fire won't get you there.
> 
> Divorce isn't as clean as many would like or hope. There's often still an emotional attachment, and that requires time and a plan to work thru. It takes some patience and self confidence in the relationship you've built to begin the talk around something other than demands and accusations.


You are correct that the texting is a symptom. It is a symptom of a much greater problem, which is that this woman is basically cheating on her current relationship with her exH, who she is clearly not over.

If their divorce wasn't clean and she still has some feelings for her exH, she needs to just not date until she works through her shyte.

In situations like this, from my point of view, the way handle it would be to clearly tell her the relationship is over because she is still involved with her exH, confidently walk out the door, and patiently wait for a new woman to come into his life. Preferably one who isn't still involved with her ex and has some decent boundaries.

DH dated a girl named B in high school and then again after he came back from college. They lived together for about 6 months near the university here while she was taking classes. The relationship ended and they remained friends.

I explained to him I was not comfortable with their level of contact and didn't want him talking to her anymore. He told me that I "had no right to pick his friends". We went rounds for a while. One day, I had an epiphany. I told him he was absolutely right. I don't have the right to choose his friends, but I do have the right to decide if I want to be in a relationship with him based on choices he makes.

He never spoke to her again.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> this is @jdesey! Mods??
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...heating-hurts-just-much-text-email-phone.html


We need a 'dumb crook' forum. Perhaps a sub forum under banned posters.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> We need a 'dumb crook' forum. Perhaps a sub forum under banned posters.


Right? We have had an influx of annoying posters with multiple users on here lately, its gotten seriously out of hand.


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