# Willing and able



## Kdolo14 (Oct 20, 2013)

I've been married 6 yrs and have a 2 and 5 yr old. After we get the kids to bed, I automatically think its gonna be sex time. My wife on the other hand wants to unwind and veg out. 

Any tips on how I can get her excited about sex and willing to initiate. I've tried massages with no strings, cooking, getting kids in bed early...all to give her a chance to relax. I'm basically frustrated of always having to initiate and getting rejected 75 percent of the time. We probably average sex 1-2 times per week. Any thoughts


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Have your wife read this: The Real Reason Couples Have Sex - WSJ.com

Then send your wife here so we can teach her to bring back that dirty mind she put away once she became a mother.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Forgot the give credit for the article which was posted in this thread....http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/133554-food-thought-not.html


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Does she give you any solid reasons why she is turning you down so often or does she just give excuses? 

I agree with anon - you should send her here so she can read first hand what it does to a persons soul when they are constantly starved of physical affection. On the other side - to read about women who are enjoying sex. 

I would ask if she has orgasms when you do have sex but have recently discovered it doesn't seem to make a difference if she is or isn't.


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## Kdolo14 (Oct 20, 2013)

She says she's tired, not aroused. Usually just excuses. I have tried to take some of the burden away...ie put kids to bed, clean up, cook. She said she used to orgasm from vaginal and oral. Now just oral gets her to orgasm. She stops me from oral and blames it on not having showered. I am trying to be patient and look for ways to make it happen more often. I appreciate the articles and will take a look


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Read up on the Married Man's Sex Life Primer. 

How often do the two of you go out on a date, with no kids?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Hang on...OP described a slew of things he does "with no strings", yet these things all have the big string of trying to have sex.

If I sense that my guy is only helping/doing his fair share because he has an expectation that I'll go tit-for-tat, he usually ends up disappointed. For us, that usually involves me participating in an activity he wants that's not sexual, because he's a lot like OP's wife..."I'm too tired/stressed/busy brained." It really is all excuses. But...when I do non-sexual things with him (letting him choose the date, goofing off, playing cards) and I flirt, the tension slowly builds. I'll take quality sex over empty-eyes-quantity sex, as it's a beginning from 'barely any sex at all.'

I will say that things improve when you date each other and enjoy time together for what it is. Flirt for the sake of flirting. Amazingly, it leads to sex often, but maybe not as quickly as you'd like.

I keep returning to why she's avoiding non-sexual intimacy. Other areas are suffering if sex is, and I bet it's been that way for a while.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Kdolo14 said:


> Any tips on how I can get her excited about sex and willing to initiate. I've tried massages with no strings, cooking, getting kids in bed early...all to give her a chance to relax. I'm basically frustrated of always having to initiate and getting rejected 75 percent of the time. We probably average sex 1-2 times per week. Any thoughts


If this is a sudden change, then you should rule out your wife having an affair, or having abnormal hormone levels. However, it sounds like a steady decline. If that's true, then she's probably just not responding to you.

Give up on the notion that your wife will want to initiate. She just won't. Most women won't. That doesn't necessarily mean anything. But you'll drive yourself crazy trying to will your wife to initiate. If you want sex, initiate.

As for getting rejected most of the time, that's not kosher. If you're having sex 1.5 times a week and getting rejected 75% of the time, then that means you're trying to initiate 6 times a week, right? That's too much rejection.

You could try to run the MAP and make yourself more attractive to your wife. Check out Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. for more information.

Also, you could try MEM's thermostat method on this board. Use the search function. His method basically states that you are the hot spouse and your wife is the cold spouse. Together, you create a warm marriage. But, you're doing all the work. So, you back off and become warm. Not that you back off sexually, that will only make your wife happier. You back off on things that are important to her. If she likes having in depth conversations twice a week, drop back to once a week, or once every two weeks. Those are the kinds of things she will notice.

When she asks you why you're no longer as engaged, that's when you tell her that, because she doesn't want to satisfy your needs as often as you would like, you've decided that you don't need to satisfy her needs as often as she would like. You're going to match her effort in the marriage.


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## Kdolo14 (Oct 20, 2013)

*Re: Re: Willing and able*



PBear said:


> Read up on the Married Man's Sex Life Primer.
> 
> How often do the two of you go out on a date, with no kids?
> 
> ...


Probably 2Xs a month. It used to be more, but we scaled back for financial reasons. I've tried to initiate some free activities but she has interest in those.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Wow, they have sex 1-2 times per week and she's ignoring his needs? And OP, cut the crap about doing things with no strings attached. Everything you do is with the ultimate goal of sex. Some people need a little breather to get revved up again. If my hb demanded sex every night I'd never enjoy it because I'd never have time to rev up again, but hey that's ok because as long a his needs are met what else matters? Good thing we're on par that way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kdolo14 (Oct 20, 2013)

*Re: Re: Willing and able*



TikiKeen said:


> Hang on...OP described a slew of things he does "with no strings", yet these things all have the big string of trying to have sex.
> 
> If I sense that my guy is only helping/doing his fair share because he has an expectation that I'll go tit-for-tat, he usually ends up disappointed. For us, that usually involves me participating in an activity he wants that's not sexual, because he's a lot like OP's wife..."I'm too tired/stressed/busy brained." It really is all excuses. But...when I do non-sexual things with him (letting him choose the date, goofing off, playing cards) and I flirt, the tension slowly builds. I'll take quality sex over empty-eyes-quantity sex, as it's a beginning from 'barely any sex at all.'
> 
> ...


I hear you, but I was doing things for the sake of doing them. She wants a "thank you" for everything. I try to do things with no expectations.....however when I caught on to how she was playing the game I realized I wasn't getting anything I wanted. 

It was an imbalance, and I just stopped trying to do it all. Honestly things have gotten better, but still not where I want it to be


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Kdolo14 said:


> I hear you, but I was doing things for the sake of doing them. She wants a "thank you" for everything. I try to do things with no expectations.....however when I caught on to how she was playing the game I realized I wasn't getting anything I wanted.
> 
> It was an imbalance, and I just stopped trying to do it all. Honestly things have gotten better, but still not where I want it to be


You have sex a couple of times a week. What is it you want?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kdolo14 (Oct 20, 2013)

*Re: Re: Willing and able*



lifeistooshort said:


> Wow, they have sex 1-2 times per week and she's ignoring his needs? And OP, cut the crap about doing things with no strings attached. Everything you do is with the ultimate goal of sex. Some people need a little breather to get revved up again. If my hb demanded sex every night I'd never enjoy it because I'd never have time to rev up again, but hey that's ok because as long a his needs are met what else matters? Good thing we're on par that way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Everything I do..no. some of the things I do are with the hope of sex. I don't think that's a bad thing. Why do u need time to rev up? Or should I say do you have tips on what gets you revved up?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> Wow, they have sex 1-2 times per week and she's ignoring his needs? And OP, cut the crap about doing things with no strings attached. Everything you do is with the ultimate goal of sex. Some people need a little breather to get revved up again. If my hb demanded sex every night I'd never enjoy it because I'd never have time to rev up again, but hey that's ok because as long a his needs are met what else matters? Good thing we're on par that way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is my thought as well. You've been together a while, you have 2 small kids. I don't think 1-2 times per week is out of line at all. A lot of guys get a lot less. 

Yes, a lot of people (especially women) need time to rev back up before they feel the need to have sex again. That's perfectly normal but the length of time may vary from person to person. If you push her much more than that, it's going to become a chore and she'll be even less interested.

Since when does having a slightly lower (but still perfectly normal) sex drive mean that you are a heartless, horrible shrew? I'm so tired of seeing that message on this board.


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## Kdolo14 (Oct 20, 2013)

Well, there were some good articles and some positive posts. I'll read them and go from there. I appreciate the honest replies.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> As for getting rejected most of the time, that's not kosher. If you're having sex 1.5 times a week and getting rejected 75% of the time, then that means you're trying to initiate 6 times a week, right? That's too much rejection.


If it's established that she only really wants sex a couple times a week, then she's going to feel hounded if he initiates 6 times a week. That's too much rejection for her, too - she doesn't want to have to keep rejecting him and turning their sex life into a constant struggle. 

Initiating 6 times a week is not leading to sex 6 times a week. Try initiating 3 times a week, so the "demands" on her seem more reasonable to her and it's less of a struggle between them.

And yes, many, many, many women have responsive desire. Meaning, no, they're not revved up for it all the time, nor can they rev up for it with a word or touch at a moment's notice. Sexy starts in the mind, and a woman with responsive desire needs time to get her head in the game. 

Sexy also starts long before going to bed. Mild flirtation is important all throughout the day/week/month. If you aren't flirting with your wife in a way that helps her to feel sexy and special all the time, then your sex life will suffer.

And, sexy is maintained through emotional intimacy. If your conversations revolve around the kids, work, bills and chores, there is no actual adult emotional connection to fuel any sexy times in bed. That creates an emotional distance and leads you to being roommates who share a house and family.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

justonelife said:


> This is my thought as well. You've been together a while, you have 2 small kids.* I don't think 1-2 times per week is out of line at all. A lot of guys get a lot less. *
> 
> Yes, a lot of people (especially women) need time to rev back up before they feel the need to have sex again. That's perfectly normal but the length of time may vary from person to person. If you push her much more than that, it's going to become a chore and she'll be even less interested.
> 
> Since when does having a slightly lower (but still perfectly normal) sex drive mean that you are a heartless, horrible shrew? I'm so tired of seeing that message on this board.


I was in a meeting with mostly men today and after the serious work discussion, the topic turned to the vasectomy one of the guys is having next week. Most of the guys in the room had one already so they were trying to scare the crap out of him, telling him he will become more effeminate, his nipples will start hurting and he will become interested in romantic comedies ... you know the drill.

One of the guys turned to me and asked "what about you?" I said ... "well, I don't need to have one. Abstinence is the best policy." A little later he said, "you know, I heard that Van Gogh had kids when he was 70 years old." I responded "well, that may be the next time I get laid so I'll take my chances." Gotta be able to joke about it if nothing else.


It is true that some couples have far less sex. 1 or 2 times a week would be a dream for me because that might be my yearly total on a normal year. I would be estatic with 1 or 2 times a week. However, there is no magic number so it isn't fair to say that 1-2 times a week should be enough for OP. What is important is that they find a middle ground that they can both be happy with and that is going to require compromise. Right now, there is no compromise in OPs situation ... there is only butting heads and playing games.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> It is true that some couples have far less sex. 1 or 2 times a week would be a dream for me because that might be my yearly total on a normal year. I would be estatic with 1 or 2 times a week. However, there is no magic number so it isn't fair to say that 1-2 times a week should be enough for OP. What is important is that they find a middle ground that they can both be happy with and that is going to require compromise. Right now, there is no compromise in OPs situation ... there is only butting heads and playing games.


You make a very good point. I just feel like the spouses on this board who can't keep up with their higher drive spouses are really demonized . I was just trying to point out that her need to have some time to get revved up before sex is every bit as important as his need to have it every day. They need to find a middle ground and just because she only wants to do it 1-2 times per week doesn't mean she doesn't love him, desire him or respect his needs.


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