# How do you rein in your crazy?



## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

After a long break from the forum, I am back with a mixture of old and new issues. At this point I know these are primarily MY issues, and id love some advice. 

For history's sake, I do have a background of childhood sexual abuse which attributes to bouts of questioning self-worth and self-image. This abuser is no longer a part of my life and my husband has been a great support system (to the best of his ability). 

My husband is not the most affectionate person which used to be a huge source of contention. After seeking medical help for low-T things greatly improved, but we will still go through times where I know his desire just isn't there. I struggle with linking feeling valued and loved to being physically affectionate, so I get very paranoid and upset when things get a little stale in our marriage. This is especially hard for us since my husband genuinely does not have intense sexual needs like most men do, but its hard for me to not assume he is "outsourcing". Even if there's totally logical explanations for a lapse in romance, I still can't just calm down and be "okay". In addition to that, I tend to shut down and regress after fights that result in him yelling/exploding. We have previously been fighting every three days over lack of respect, boundaries, and general communication issues for a while now. He has agreed to MC and stated he just wants us to be a team again and have a great life. He isn't perfect, but agreeing to counseling should count for something? 

In my heart I know my husband would not cheat on me, but I find myself acting like a lunatic and looking through his phone or thinking about it when its left around. He isn't someone who hides his phone and I have access to it whenever I want, but I still felt that horrible gut feeling. Anyways, I confessed to looking through his phone and he initially responded very angrily (this is the second time I have looked through the phone). We did continue to talk it out and he explained that he feels insulted that I would question him/not trust him. All of this together has probably caused me to go back to my insecure and paranoid state. Even today I was trying to think of a way to look at his location history just because I have this weird feeling, but why? I have zero reason to think this. We just celebrated getting his sperm count back up to fertile levels, so I should be feeling VERY secure  I feel like I am sucking the joy so I keep these thoughts to myself right now, but its killing me inside. 

We are gearing up to start MC to work on our communication and respect and I plan on doing IC for myself and my crap, but what are some tools you have used in the meantime to talk yourself down? I don't want to keep having these talks with my husband and ask for reassurance constantly. We are talked out for the moment until we get into our first session, and I am to the point where I need to fix my baggage and stop being an emotional vampire. We read about half of this book together but stopped when I started having nightmares: The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, 20th Anniversary Edition . 

Maybe I am just looking for support? Idk, but writing it out seems to help.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you considered some individual counseling for yourself?

What you describe about you wanting to look through his phone seems to be a form of distrust.

Has the snooping you have done ever make you feel more secure, or do you feel basically as insecure after snooping as you felt before you snooped?


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> Have you considered some individual counseling for yourself?
> 
> What you describe about you wanting to look through his phone seems to be a form of distrust.
> 
> Has the snooping you have done ever make you feel more secure, or do you feel basically as insecure after snooping as you felt before you snooped?


Yes, I know its time for some IC for myself. I am starting it at the same time as our MC so I can just know it out.

Honestly, the snooping makes me feel worse. I just think of more things I could check and think of the ways things could be hidden. Its really, really unhealthy. Plus the guilt afterwards from violating his privacy is the worst part. I have never found any sort of smoking gun aside from a conversation with a co-worker I didn't like. He was talking about our marriage and she was talking about her relationship issues, which I found to be totally inappropriate. I talked to my husband about it and he said he understood and it wouldn't happen anymore. The conversation really was just getting male/female opinions, but I am not entertaining that type of close relationship. 

I feel like my distrust stems from having a hard time seeing my own value and knowing I am enough for my husband, so I keep trying to find "proof" to confirm my own doubts about myself.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I get what you're saying, has your counselor said anything about an anxiety med? And what have you done if anything to combat your depression? 

Trauma is trauma, and it sounds like you have PTSD, you do not have to be in battle to get this. And because of my time in the USMC, and the PTSD l also have the TRIGGERS are out of your control. The best thing you should do is have a phycologist get to the bottom of of your trauma you carry.

It doesn't mean your a sick or bad person, but rather one that is unable to cope with certain things. That said the Dr, will be able to help you cope with the triggers that cause your relapsing. And this will also help with everyone and anything that brings you to the edge.

I am in constant hypervigilant, in certain time my triggers occur. I do my best to remove myself from the triggers as best I can. But it shows it self when l don't expect it. You can get some help and more patience from your husband, once he knows it is not him that has caused this in your life.

I hope this helps alittle, and brings hope for you and yours peace.

Tilted


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

moulinyx said:


> Yes, I know its time for some IC for myself. I am starting it at the same time as our MC so I can just know it out.
> 
> Honestly, the snooping makes me feel worse. I just think of more things I could check and think of the ways things could be hidden. Its really, really unhealthy. Plus the guilt afterwards from violating his privacy is the worst part. I have never found any sort of smoking gun aside from a conversation with a co-worker I didn't like. He was talking about our marriage and she was talking about her relationship issues, which I found to be totally inappropriate. I talked to my husband about it and he said he understood and it wouldn't happen anymore. The conversation really was just getting male/female opinions, but I am not entertaining that type of close relationship.


It's interesting that you did find that one thing. It's good that you did because it put an end to it. 

My feeling about snooping is that spouses have the right to snoop. Privacy in marriage means you can close the bathroom door when you are in there. 

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-policy-of-radical-honesty.htm

It's the old trust but verify point of view.



moulinyx said:


> I feel like my distrust stems from having a hard time seeing my own value and knowing I am enough for my husband, so I keep trying to find "proof" to confirm my own doubts about myself.


Are there things that you do that make you feel better? Is there anyone who you can call that you can talk to? Or is there some book that you can read that gives you strength?


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> I get what you're saying, has your counselor said anything about an anxiety med? And what have you done if anything to combat your depression?
> 
> Trauma is trauma, and it sounds like you have PTSD, you do not have to be in battle to get this. And because of my time in the USMC, and the PTSD l also have the TRIGGERS are out of your control. The best thing you should do is have a phycologist get to the bottom of of your trauma you carry.
> 
> ...


I do not have a therapist I see activly at this time. I was in therapy about two years ago, but each session was a wallowing pity party for 45 minutes. I did not click with this therapist and did not think she knew how to treat the aftermath of sexual abuse. Maybe some people need this, but I don't need a "poor me" hour. I need the tools to not ruin my marriage and to self-soothe. 

As far as depression goes, it really is a cycle. I will be really good and feel fulfilled/happy, but then a trigger will send me back to hell. I am not currently on any medication because I am nervous about side effects. I don't want to feel numb or be reliant on medication, but I would be open to this if a therapist deems it necessary. I just didn't want to be one of those medicated wives...but I guess that is more irrational shame. 

My husband is really patient when I bring it up. We had a fight on Sunday that resulted in him yelling, and I finally told him when he yells like that I instantly go back to the childhood version of myself. All of the fear and betrayal I felt from my protector hurting me comes back since he is now my protector. He was very sweet and said he will try even harder to cool down and hit pause when he "sees red" in an argument. He tries to understand, but he says he has a hard time understanding the physical insecurities and mistrust. Should I try to talk about this more, or just try to let it rest until we/I are in a session?


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> It's interesting that you did find that one thing. It's good that you did because it put an end to it.
> 
> My feeling about snooping is that spouses have the right to snoop. Privacy in marriage means you can close the bathroom door when you are in there.
> 
> ...


Yeah I am happy I found that, but it also has made me feel crazy about that one person. I get irritated if I see a text, but seeing a text should make me feel better since it wasn't hidden/deleted. Their conversations are normal and I am working on letting it go. 

He said I always have access to his phone but he wants me to come to him instead of sneaking. You know...like a healthy marriage. He said the snooping and hiding it pisses him off and is annoying. He's right! Its annoying! But I feel so dumb still wanting to do crazy stuff. But then I wonder if I would find something. 

I talk to my best friend about this but she has a skewed perspective. She's 3 years post-divorce and living it up now that she is free from her controlling ex-husband. She doesn't encourage divorce, but she notes gut feelings are there for a reason. She doesn't know about the abuse so I get where she is coming from, but a gut can be sick. I think mine is obviously sick. 

Id love book suggestions or anything to get my mind off of things! OR just rational advice/perspective. Cheating husbands dont act like they care or agree to MC, right? I just wish the affection would ramp up so I wouldn't feel like he is getting needs met elsewhere.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

moulinyx said:


> Yeah I am happy I found that, but it also has made me feel crazy about that one person. I get irritated if I see a text, but seeing a text should make me feel better since it wasn't hidden/deleted. Their conversations are normal and I am working on letting it go.
> 
> He said I always have access to his phone but he wants me to come to him instead of sneaking. You know...like a healthy marriage. He said the snooping and hiding it pisses him off and is annoying. He's right! Its annoying! But I feel so dumb still wanting to do crazy stuff. But then I wonder if I would find something.
> 
> ...


A book that I think might help you is "Divorce Busting". 

Since you say that your husband is not really meeting some of your important emotional needs, and it seems you are not secure in knowing what you can and cannot expect in a good marriage, I would also suggest "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley.



moulinyx said:


> Cheating husbands dont act like they care or agree to MC, right?


There is no one way that cheaters act. There are many men who cheat and still love their wives and still treat their wives well. They act like the care and even agree to go to MC. The one big thing that 99.99% of cheaters do is hide their behavior and lie, lie, lie.

How long have you been thinking that he might be cheating? Did your feelings about this start at about the time you found that he was texting that woman?



moulinyx said:


> I just wish the affection would ramp up so I wouldn't feel like he is getting needs met elsewhere.


What I'm wondering is if you are considering the CSA as the umbrella under which all of your issues exist. It is probably not.

From what you say, your husband's low level of affection makes you feel insecure. That's a very normal reaction. 

I had the same thing happen in my marriage. And my reaction was the same. It made me feel very insecure and undesirable.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

moulinyx said:


> Should I try to talk about this more, or just try to let it rest until we/I are in a session?


I somehow thought l could handle it by myself l was wrong. Let it all rest until you get some help, and even when you get help sadly it all never goes away.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> A book that I think might help you is "Divorce Busting".
> 
> Since you say that your husband is not really meeting some of your important emotional needs, and it seems you are not secure in knowing what you can and cannot expect in a good marriage, I would also suggest "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the book recommendation. I will look it up!

I only get suspicious when he doesn't seem tuned in and isnt physical. We talk about it and he says he thinks I am beautiful, but his words do not match his actions. Before I found the text I just assumed he wasn't into me or was having "alone time" instead. The feeling didn't start with her, and honestly, I shouldn't be so bothered by it. When I got angry about it, he defended himself by saying "if I had something to hide, why wouldn't I just delete the whole message string?", and that was somewhat reassuring. He doesn't have a history of lying to me and I haven't caught him in any lies that I can remember. 

I know the CSA is only part of the problem, but should I really feel this bad over the lack of physical affection? I have plenty of friends who wish their husbands would back off in the bedroom and would love to only be intimate a maximum of once per week. I guess I dont even know what is "normal". His level of affection does make me feel insecure, but I dont like the distrust factor.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> I somehow thought l could handle it by myself l was wrong. Let it all rest until you get some help, and even when you get help sadly it all never goes away.


Does it get any better? I just hate going back into these dark slumps. It feels dramatic and isn't conducive to us fixing bigger problems. I don't want to be that mistrusting wife that is constantly checking her husband's every move.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

moulinyx said:


> As far as depression goes, it really is a cycle. I will be really good and feel fulfilled/happy, but then a trigger will send me back to hell. I am not currently on any medication because I am nervous about side effects. I don't want to feel numb or be reliant on medication, but I would be open to this if a therapist deems it necessary. I just didn't want to be one of those medicated wives...but I guess that is more irrational shame.
> 
> I


It really not a cycle but a trigger, and not all the meds zonk you numb. And reliance on a med to allow a person, another way to combat this is not in it self bad but rather a tool to use to keep the engine running smoothly.
And one of those medicated wife's (male spouse me) has no place for stigmatism, when it brings you closer to being less explosive to those around you. And being more attuned to oneself it better than the old you(me).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

moulinyx said:


> Thanks for the book recommendation. I will look it up!
> 
> I only get suspicious when he doesn't seem tuned in and isnt physical. We talk about it and he says he thinks I am beautiful, but his words do not match his actions. Before I found the text I just assumed he wasn't into me or was having "alone time" instead. The feeling didn't start with her, and honestly, I shouldn't be so bothered by it. When I got angry about it, he defended himself by saying "if I had something to hide, why wouldn't I just delete the whole message string?", and that was somewhat reassuring. He doesn't have a history of lying to me and I haven't caught him in any lies that I can remember.


I hope that infidelity is not the issue. It's true that it's hard to know sometimes if we are just insecurity or if our intuition has picked up on something. This is definitely a topic for your counseling... individual counseling.



moulinyx said:


> I know the CSA is only part of the problem, but should I really feel this bad over the lack of physical affection? I have plenty of friends who wish their husbands would back off in the bedroom and would love to only be intimate a maximum of once per week. I guess I dont even know what is "normal". His level of affection does make me feel insecure, but I dont like the distrust factor.


People have different levels of need for physical affection. Your is unique to you. Your friends wishing that their husbands would back off has no bearing on you.

How often do the two of you have sex? How often do you do things like hold hands, snuggle, etc? How often do the two of you do things together, just the two of you?


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> It really not a cycle but a trigger, and not all the meds zonk you numb. And reliance on a med to allow a person, another way to combat this is not in it self bad but rather a tool to use to keep the engine running smoothly.
> And one of those medicated wife's (male spouse me) has no place for stigmatism, when it brings you closer to being less explosive to those around you. And being more attuned to oneself it better than the old you(me).


I think my issue is my husband's opinion of those medications. My whole family is on anti-depressants and he always has some sort of comment about it. I think its more of an ignorance to mental health and how its treated, but I don't what him to think less of me or think I am taking the easy way out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

moulinyx said:


> I think my issue is my husband's opinion of those medications. My whole family is on anti-depressants and he always has some sort of comment about it. I think its more of an ignorance to mental health and how its treated, but I don't what him to think less of me or think I am taking the easy way out.


Do you work out regularly? For some people physical exercise is as effective as the drugs and has the benefit of improving their health and their self image.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

moulinyx said:


> Does it get any better? I just hate going back into these dark slumps. It feels dramatic and isn't conducive to us fixing bigger problems. I don't want to be that mistrusting wife that is constantly checking her husband's every move.


Each of us is different, but l would rather have the med than falling into the relapsing of the abyss where there is no relief. And when and if you have these thoughts of that mistrusting wife as you say. You may be able to grasp it with a confidence you had before you question your husband after you found the text. 

But as any marriage spouse, it is not bad to be vigilant in the area of infidilty, as long it doesn't allow you to be consumed in living hypervigilant state. But with a reasoning required by all spouse's.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

moulinyx said:


> I think my issue is my husband's opinion of those medications. My whole family is on anti-depressants and he always has some sort of comment about it. I think its more of an ignorance to mental health and how its treated, but I don't what him to think less of me or think I am taking the easy way out.


Really, he would rather have you suspecting him?
Who really cares if the whole family is on meds. And hopefully he will educate himself on trauma victims.
Yes it is ignorance on his part.

( Look at his logic this way does he drink booze? Can he stop drinking for the rest of his life?) Probably not and would need some intervention somewhere along the line. And if he thinks less if you then you have no business with a man like that. Period!


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> Do you work out regularly? For some people physical exercise is as effective as the drugs and has the benefit of improving their health and their self image.


I workout but it is pretty inconsistent. I am really bogged down with work right now so it has been over a month. I do notice a huge difference in how I feel when I workout at least 3 times a week, but that's fallen off hard with the holidays approaching. I feel kind of "soft" and have noticed some definition going away. I am a generally fit person, but ive always struggled with feeling good enough physically. 

You make a good point with the physical activity. That may be the boost I need to pull myself out of the rut ive found myself in. 



Tilted 1 said:


> Each of us is different, but l would rather have the med than falling into the relapsing of the abyss where there is no relief. And when and if you have these thoughts of that mistrusting wife as you say. You may be able to grasp it with a confidence you had before you question your husband after you found the text.
> 
> But as any marriage spouse, it is not bad to be vigilant in the area of infidilty, as long it doesn't allow you to be consumed in living hypervigilant state. But with a reasoning required by all spouse's.


I will try to be open to the suggestion of medication. You are right about the medication being a good solution if it keeps me from falling into the same hole over and over again. The worst part is knowing I am not being rational and that aside from the lack of affection (which is also not his fault for having low desire), I haven't been given a reason to worry. He will even make jokes about how much money we would lose if I divorced him since I would get his pension. Again, not the words of a cheating man. 

I think I am going to try to calmly talk to him about being in this weird state again. Maybe opening up to him will give him a chance to comfort me and ease my worries while we get through the holidays. We are starting MC the second week of Jan!


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> Really, he would rather have you suspecting him?
> Who really cares if the whole family is on meds. And hopefully he will educate himself on trauma victims.
> Yes it is ignorance on his part.
> 
> ( Look at his logic this way does he drink booze? Can he stop drinking for the rest of his life?) Probably not and would need some intervention somewhere along the line. And if he thinks less if you then you have no business with a man like that. Period!


You are probably right! If the suggestion came from a professional, I think he would have a different opinion. His mother abuses anti-depressants, pain killers, and alcohol so I think that also attributes to his harsher perspective of treatment options. 

We worked through part of a book together and he recently completed a trauma course for work, but I think he will always struggle with empathizing with triggers. Its just so far away from anything he deals with as a person. I am probably letting fear rule my decisions.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

moulinyx said:


> The worst part is knowing I am not being rational


But this in a nutshell, is trauma the PTSD, we don't know we are being ilrational, we are just doing it.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

moulinyx said:


> . I am probably letting fear rule my decisions.


Yes


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

moulinyx said:


> Yeah I am happy I found that, but it also has made me feel crazy about that one person. I get irritated if I see a text, but seeing a text should make me feel better since it wasn't hidden/deleted. Their conversations are normal and I am working on letting it go.


Not to feed the beast, but does this mean he continues to have contact with this woman? (the one who's texts upset you) If so, WHY? To be honest, I would not be ok with this, what is his motivation to continue contact with her?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It's hard, but you can do it. You can make the change in yourself. 

I'm going to stop there because there have been many good responses. 

One thing that might help is; a person can sometimes get too much into researching how to accomplish a goal and that keeps them from making a decision to act, to do something to implement what their research has provided. 

Because it's always easier to want to "find out a little more" than to pony up the commitment necessary to act on things.

It's human nature, not saying it's you. But it's something to consider. 

You can do it!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Just an observer looking in, it could be that since you've dealt with betrayal in your childhood, you could be looking for it in your marriage. It takes two to argue/fight, but your husband sounds like he is not doing anything to betray your trust, yet you leap to the possibility that he could be violating your trust, because of what you went through as a kid. This is what IC could help you deal with, and offer productive tools to help you heal.

I believe that marriage is not something to rely on for healing of childhood wounds. Your husband is just a man...not the perfect man, but a man with flaws and difficulties, just like you have. He loves you, you love him, but it's not his responsibility to heal you. He actually can't heal you, only you can.

I would definitely suggest getting into a good counseling program with an experienced therapist who has a background in helping survivors of sexual abuse. Hope things get better for you both.

In the meantime, appreciate the husband you have - thank him, and make him feel special even when you don't want to. (of course, not if he's mistreating you, etc) This might open the door to more kindness pouring into your marriage, and it might turn some things around for you both.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> Not to feed the beast, but does this mean he continues to have contact with this woman? (the one who's texts upset you) If so, WHY? To be honest, I would not be ok with this, what is his motivation to continue contact with her?


So the only communication they have is if she asks him if he is interested in a certain training or something else work-related. She is able to get him into special classes and such. He is well aware the conversation needs to stay professional and he will text her right in front of me. To me, that shows he doesn't think twice about it and that I need to stop hyper-focusing on this woman. 



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> It's hard, but you can do it. You can make the change in yourself.
> 
> I'm going to stop there because there have been many good responses.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your insight! I know IC will help, but I was more so looking for self-soothing tips to keep me from unraveling when I get into that dark place. My husband works at night so I just lay in bed thinking...and that can be a lonely place. I am more of an action person though! I am determined to pull myself up and stop being such a freaking damper. 




*Deidre* said:


> *Just an observer looking in, it could be that since you've dealt with betrayal in your childhood, you could be looking for it in your marriage. It takes two to argue/fight, but your husband sounds like he is not doing anything to betray your trust, yet you leap to the possibility that he could be violating your trust, because of what you went through as a kid. This is what IC could help you deal with, and offer productive tools to help you heal.*
> 
> I believe that marriage is not something to rely on for healing of childhood wounds. Your husband is just a man...not the perfect man, but a man with flaws and difficulties, just like you have. He loves you, you love him, but it's not his responsibility to heal you. He actually can't heal you, only you can.
> 
> ...


The bolded part of your response really hit home. I think this is exactly what I am experiencing. I feel like I try to push him away so I don't run the risk of additional pain, especially when we start fighting. I firmly believe that you cannot be happy in your marriage until you are happy with yourself, so I want to do everything I can to facilitate a happy life. 

I actually feel somewhat relieved from that introspective point. I haven't felt that gut urge to do any snooping today so I think the wave is passing (time generally helps), plus he was very sweet this morning. I woke up to my favorite candy and drink on the counter this morning, so that was a sweet little "I was thinking of you" gesture. 

Thanks for the responses, everyone! I love this forum :yay:


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

That's great!


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