# Sacrificing Sexual Fulfillment for Longevity in Marriage



## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

My wife only wants to have sex once, maybe twice, a week, but my libido calls for more like 4-5 days in a week. My wife is the only woman I desire, but it is frustrating that 2-3 days out of the week she doesn't desire me as I do her. We are both about 33 years old, married 5 years with 2 children, and in good physical health. It has come to the point where I just don't initiate sex anymore and we just do it whenever it is obvious that SHE really wants it. I find my situation a bit pathetic, and somewhat irritating, that I pleasure myself more than I am pleasured by my wife. I try to stay positive, but sometimes I can't help but to feel some resentment. I love everything about being married except this part.

I've tried many things to try arousing her and the only thing that ends up happening is I will sometimes get _*obligation sex*_, which then just makes me feel guilty for even coaxing her into it.

_***sigh***_

*Is it normal for one partner to sacrifice sexual fulfillment for longevity in a marriage?*


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yes, it happens all the time, I guess that makes it a normal occurance.

But is it the right thing to do?

No, not necessarily.

You will end up with so much resentment that you will no longer love her and will be always at risk of having an affair.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

u


Faithful Wife said:


> Yes, it happens all the time, I guess that makes it a normal occurance.
> 
> But is it the right thing to do?
> 
> ...


It doesn't feel like the right thing to do, but I would also feel shallow and idiotic for ending a marriage just for more sex. It would be the ultimate 80-20...that is ignoring the 80% that you have for the 20% you're not getting. At the same time, I don't know how much longer I can go without that 20%. I feel like you only live once so you should try to get all you can out of life. Sometimes I just feel stuck...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

How much reading have you done? Do you realize there are millions of people who feel just like you do? Many of them end up divorced and HAPPIER in the long run. Others stay, and end up cheating. Others stay, and somehow find a way around the dilemma. There are all types of ways people handle this problem.


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## AMRAP (Feb 21, 2013)

Run

I'm in the same position you are in only I am 42 with 4 kids. We are starting MC soon and this is one of my huge issues. I plan to shake up the marriage and possibly go for a separation if things don't improve. I don't think I could actually go through with D because of the kids but I do plan to send a clear message.

We are both very fit people, have a live in nanny, house cleaners, etc. WTF, why am I providing this lifestyle and not getting what I need??


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> , but it is frustrating that 2-3 days out of the week she doesn't desire me as I do her.


Elaborate on this. If you have sex once or twice a week that leaves 5 or 6 days, what's different on those 2 or 3?


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I'm another one that has been in this same boat. Damned if you do...damned if you don't and your partner seems to have no clue. I hope you can get some improvement with communication, maybe books or MC.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Some women don't have spontaneous desire every time her partner does. If arroused, they then feel desire and enjoy sex just as much as in spontaneous desire. 

That's my situation. I feel desire about 2 or 3 consecutive days/month. At other times, i need my husband to get me going. Either way, sex is good. 

My husband and i discussed it and he understands. I know he would rather have spontaneous desire every time but i dont what to do about it. I don't know why it is so. 

If your wife does not resent being arroused, try it 1 day/week. 

If she resents it, perhaps reading about female sexuality together. Understanding that it is normal in partnered sex, may help her accept it. 

I think the resentment comes from feeling that there is an element of force. Actually, she is having satisfying sex with the man she loves. Sometimes she needs to be warmed up before desire sometimes not.

You have to work out with her how she needs to be warmed up. Usually, starting slow during the evening when you are both relaxed. That gives her time to think about sex and not mundane tasks. 

Also, make sure sex is good for her. It wouldn't hurt to read about male and female sexuality. Every woman is different so you have to learn her. 

I am not blaming you, but why not consider everything and cover all bases.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Shoto1984 said:


> I'm another one that has been in this same boat. Damned if you do...damned if you don't and your partner seems to have no clue. I hope you can get some improvement with communication, maybe books or MC.


What do you mean by damed if you do an .... She does not want to have sex no matter how she feels?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> My wife only wants to have sex once, maybe twice, a week, but my libido calls for more like 4-5 days in a week. My wife is the only woman I desire, but it is frustrating that 2-3 days out of the week she doesn't desire me as I do her. We are both about 33 years old, married 5 years with 2 children, and in good physical health. It has come to the point where I just don't initiate sex anymore and we just do it whenever it is obvious that SHE really wants it. I find my situation a bit pathetic, and somewhat irritating, that I pleasure myself more than I am pleasured by my wife. I try to stay positive, but sometimes I can't help but to feel some resentment. I love everything about being married except this part.
> 
> I've tried many things to try arousing her and the only thing that ends up happening is I will sometimes get _*obligation sex*_, which then just makes me feel guilty for even coaxing her into it.
> 
> ...


Read "No more mr nice guy". This is very common and the dynamic you have going where you end up either pissed off and disconnected or you're a table dog waiting for sex scraps. It's a theme of the material.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Catherine602 said:


> What do you mean by damed if you do an .... She does not want to have sex no matter how she feels?


I'm saying that if you only have sex when she's interested in having it and that's not enough....you loose. If you initiate and get rejected, or it turns into an obligation to give it to you...you loose.

I totally understand most women needing to be romanced and to get into the mood. It would be nice if women with high drive males would understand his needs also.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

RunFromYourWife said:


> My wife only wants to have sex once, maybe twice, a week, but my libido calls for more like 4-5 days in a week. My wife is the only woman I desire, but it is frustrating that 2-3 days out of the week she doesn't desire me as I do her. We are both about 33 years old, married 5 years with 2 children, and in good physical health. It has come to the point where I just don't initiate sex anymore and we just do it whenever it is obvious that SHE really wants it. I find my situation a bit pathetic, and somewhat irritating, that I pleasure myself more than I am pleasured by my wife. I try to stay positive, but sometimes I can't help but to feel some resentment. I love everything about being married except this part.
> 
> I've tried many things to try arousing her and the only thing that ends up happening is I will sometimes get _*obligation sex*_, which then just makes me feel guilty for even coaxing her into it.
> 
> ...


are you happy with your marriage?
dose it make you feel less happy in your general life?
can you stay married to someone who has no desire or at best very little for you!
I perdict that eventually youe resentment will kill your love for her then you will divorce.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Shoto1984 said:


> I'm saying that if you only have sex when she's interested in having it and that's not enough....you loose. If you initiate and get rejected, or it turns into an obligation to give it to you...you loose.
> 
> I totally understand most women needing to be romanced and to get into the mood. It would be nice if women with high drive males would understand his needs also.


No I don't mean romance as in movie romantic hero stuff, that gets old if done every time you have sex. Most women like romance but spaced out and at odd times. It depends on your partner though. Flowers will not you laid but confidence will. Don't let refusal upset you visibly, act cool and light. It may confuse her, she may think she can't control you. 

I mean foreplay. As you go about doing stuff before you want sex touch and tease each other, caress kiss ect. Don't wait till 15 mins before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Sacrifices never end well. 

Someone or something always dies.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> How much reading have you done? Do you realize there are millions of people who feel just like you do? Many of them end up divorced and HAPPIER in the long run. Others stay, and end up cheating. Others stay, and somehow find a way around the dilemma. There are all types of ways people handle this problem.


I am relatively new here so haven't read a whole lot. Your post isn't very encouraging though...LOL...


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

AMRAP said:


> Run
> 
> I'm in the same position you are in only I am 42 with 4 kids. We are starting MC soon and this is one of my huge issues. I plan to shake up the marriage and possibly go for a separation if things don't improve. I don't think I could actually go through with D because of the kids but I do plan to send a clear message.
> 
> We are both very fit people, have a live in nanny, house cleaners, etc. WTF, why am I providing this lifestyle and not getting what I need??


I am not providing as cushioned of a lifestyle as you, but I do provide 80-90% of our financial obligations and for the first 4 years of marriage she didn't have to work at all. You may want to rethink sending the message, "more sex or I want a separation." If she is content with less sex, and you are providing as you are, she could end up just separating, having the Court make you STILL finance her lifestyle while she now has a boyfriend......it happens all the time...


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> Elaborate on this. If you have sex once or twice a week that leaves 5 or 6 days, what's different on those 2 or 3?


She gets it once and then the rest of the week she barely has any desire at all regardless of what I do.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

Shoto1984 said:


> I'm another one that has been in this same boat. Damned if you do...damned if you don't and your partner seems to have no clue. I hope you can get some improvement with communication, maybe books or MC.


I don't see how books or MC can make someone desire you more sexually. Either they do or they don't. Am I missing something?


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> If your wife does not resent being arroused, try it 1 day/week.
> 
> If she resents it, perhaps reading about female sexuality together. Understanding that it is normal in partnered sex, may help her accept it.
> 
> ...


If she doesn't particularly want it, then she doesn't like to be warmed up. She will cut me off and just go get some lube and say (in so many words), "just get it over with". One time recently she actually wanted to have sex, but not anything more sensual. I am kissing her and she says, "I don't want to make love, I just want to cum!"

***sigh***

If she is like that when she DOES want sex, you can only imagine when she doesn't want to. 

Then if I try to warm her up with physical contact and affirmative words earlier in the day she just gets irritated saying, "you only do this when you want to have sex". _I just can't phucking win!_

This is why I now just don't initiate it at all and wait for her to give me indication...


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> are you happy with your marriage?
> dose it make you feel less happy in your general life?
> can you stay married to someone who has no desire or at best very little for you!
> I perdict that eventually youe resentment will kill your love for her then you will divorce.


Gee...thanks...LOL...

...but seriously, that is what I am afraid of. I love her and I am happy most of the time...


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> No I don't mean romance as in movie romantic hero stuff, that gets old if done every time you have sex. Most women like romance but spaced out and at odd times. It depends on your partner though. *Flowers will not you laid but confidence will. Don't let refusal upset you visibly, act cool and light. It may confuse her, she may think she can't control you. *
> 
> I mean foreplay. As you go about doing stuff before you want sex touch and tease each other, caress kiss ect. Don't wait till 15 mins before.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agree completly about flowers/confidence. Plus foreplay is not just for when you want sex. Flirting, teasing, and just nice treatment in general is useless if it's seens as a bargaining chip for sex. It can come across as desperate.

RFYW, ask for higher frequency and see if she agrees to it (when your not in the middle of trying to get it) and who knows, that may be what she wants is for you to ask for exactly what you want and you and her follow through. Don't put pressure on yourself or her that she has to be super horny or have an orgasm every time. That's a lot of pressure on both of you and it'll have you settling for bad sex.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Thundarr said:


> Flirting, teasing, and just nice treatment in general is useless if it's seens as a bargaining chip for sex. It can come across as desperate.


:iagree:

In my experience, the high drive person is happy in the early stages of the relationship when the lower drive person is riding the wave of infatuation. But as the lower drive person settles back down to their normal state of being the high drive person is left wondering where that person that could keep up with them went. If a marriage has occured somewhere in the process you're feeling stuck, possibly betrayed and desperate to change this situation. The lower drive person feels completely fine and doesn't really understand what all the fuss is about........then feels anger at being "pressured". If there isn't good communication and compromise with the mutual goal of a healthy relationship look out.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's very common to have different drives in the sexual relationship. You both have to come to a mutual compromise...and it needs to be from a loving place. You both need to WANT to please the partner (sexually and nonsexually). 

Have a talk when you have time....not in the bedroom and after sex. Have the talk while you are at the park or walking or something active. Share your feelings of love and how you wish to please her and how you want your needs to be met.

The fact is you aren't to far off...you may have to give up a day of sex and she may have to give in to an day of sex. The deal is having her see it as a loving act and not an obligation.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

RunFromYourWife said:


> Then if I try to warm her up with physical contact and affirmative words earlier in the day she just gets irritated saying, "you only do this when you want to have sex". _I just can't phucking win!_
> 
> This is why I now just don't initiate it at all and wait for her to give me indication...


I'm not sure you meant what you said there, but I'll comment on it anyway.

Of course it looks like you're just trying to get laid IF you only try to warm her up with affirmative words and physical contact the day you want to have sex. It's NOT a one-day thing or a THAT DAY thing. It's an EVERYDAY thing.

This really isn't rocket science.

1 - Identify her needs. Get her to tell you what they are. Her words.

2 - Meet those needs continually, not only on the days you want sex but every day. And if that means non-sexual physical intimacy (as frustrating as it may sound of you aren't getting your sexual needs fully met), do it anyway.

3 - After a few weeks, ask if you have been meeting her needs. Point to examples. It's best to point them out as you do them. "Honey, remember when you said you really wanted non-sexual intimacy? I thought last night cuddling on the couch watching a movie was pretty nice, wasn't it?"

4 - When you are sure you are meeting her needs on a consistent basis, discuss your needs. As corpuswife said, get out of the house and talk. I used to take a drive with my wife and when we were 30 minutes away from the house, I'd start talking. We had to be together for the next 30 minutes so we had no choice but talk.

5 - Your need is for a "fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship" with your wife, not "sex", not "duty sex", not "corpse sex". Don't be embarrassed to say that you have that physical and emotional need. Don't let her belittle this need by saying "you just want sex". Tell her that saying that would be like telling her she's a money-grabbing b!tch, when what she really wants is "security" within the marriage. See how anyone can spin one's needs into something degrading?

6 - Explain that you have been meeting her needs (and she has admitted it) but that your need for a fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship" isn't being met and because of that, you will become frustrated and resentful and less likely to want to meet her needs and the marriage goes downhill.

7 - Divorce MUST be an option. if it's taken off the table people are less likely to change.

Having said all this, you two can't be that far apart. She has to realize your libido is much more than hers. You have to realize that she's taking care of two kids under the age of 5. maybe she can be more enthusiastic in the times you do have sex? Maybe she can settle for oral or a HJ on off days?


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

Chris Taylor said:


> I'm not sure you meant what you said there, but I'll comment on it anyway.
> 
> Of course it looks like you're just trying to get laid IF you only try to warm her up with affirmative words and physical contact the day you want to have sex. It's NOT a one-day thing or a THAT DAY thing. It's an EVERYDAY thing.
> 
> ...


If you ask my wife she will say I meet all of her needs. She is content. I have reservations about #7. I have always been taught that divorce MUST NOT be an option, and here you are saying it needs to be. I feel like my wife would hold some resentment towards me for using the threat of divorce because of sex. That resentment could cause even more serious issues between us I would think...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

RunFromYourWife said:


> Gee...thanks...LOL...
> 
> ...but seriously, that is what I am afraid of. I love her and I am happy most of the time...


What do you love about her?

the way she disrespects your sexuality?

sorry to say but she just anit that interested in you as a lover! but she sure is interested in you as a provider.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

RunFromYourWife said:


> If you ask my wife she will say I meet all of her needs. She is content. I have reservations about #7. I have always been taught that divorce MUST NOT be an option, and here you are saying it needs to be. I feel like my wife would hold some resentment towards me for using the threat of divorce because of sex. That resentment could cause even more serious issues between us I would think...


there is not such thing a unconditional love! eventually you will hate her.


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