# Fifty Shades of Resentment...



## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

My wife and I have only been married a few years. Our marriage has been a roller coaster ride from the beginning, however getting right to the point...

A few weeks ago, a friend of hers gave her the "Shades of Grey" trilogy. She gobbled up the first book very quickly (about a week) and seemed to be using every free minute she had in a day reading the book. She was very secretive about it, and wanted to avoid any discussions on the book with me. Over the past few weeks, I've been seeing many articles on this book, so I finally started researching it just to see what it is about. In a nutshell, it's 300+ pages of erotic porn.. ..specifically BDSM. Nationwide, it's known as "mommy porn" and "romance novels on steroids". I asked her if she's interested in this stuff, and she responds "no". And then tells me that she just wants to see the girl win over the guy... I asked her I'd there was something in our marriage that is missing, and she says no. I try so hard for our marriage, and my gut tells me she's lying. She tells me that this book doesn't get her the least bit excited, but from everything I've read it looks like the majority of women are really turned on by it...

She told me that since I was uncomfortable with the book, she would stop reading it. That was over a week ago and it's still on her e-reader. I asked her about it today, and she got really defensive and told me she wanted to read more of these books. 

Although most of you will probably say that I'm overreacting, I am concerned. Mostly because it's hard for me to believe her claim that some this graphic doesn't "affect her". And then her insistence on reading more of this stuff... I asked her several times how she'd feel I'd I did that to her - spending every free moment with that. I've read that many husbands have suggested that their sex life has benefited from their wives reading these books. I can tell you that she doesn't seem any more interested in me after reading the first one.

Am I blowing this out of proportion? She's very preoccupied with her reading, and I feel that this is just the first step to cheating...


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

OK, no. This has nothing to do with cheating. Women relate to written erotica the same way that men relate to Penthouse.

It's ok. It's more than okay.

Use it to jumpstart your sex life. This is a GOOD THING. Your wife is getting turned on! Can you see how you could use that somehow?

(PSA, yes, 50shades is a shameful example of someone turning fanfic into a profit venture, but that's really a discussion for another forum.)


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

It could just be something for her to fantasize about.. but she may be to shy/nervous/insecure to do anything that's IN the book. She may think you might look down on her or lose respect or something if she admits to like or wanting to try any of this stuff. I don't know about it leading to cheating... and I myself haven't read it yet lol. Maybe you two need to communicate more? Do you know eachothers love language? Is she doing anything that makes you suspect she's cheating?


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## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

I think that the lack of communication is what's making me nervous. I've asked her if she's interested with anything in the book, or I'd there are things that we can try to spice things up. She always responds with "no, things are fine". There are other things that she's been doing that also make me concerned. She dresses very provocatively lately. And I'm not talking just a little cleavage either. She barely has to bend forward at all and she's all but falling out. It is not unusual to be at a restaurant and the waiter is looking down her top, and a few times her nipple was actually showing. When I tell her this, she just shrugs it off. She hasn't don't anything specifically to make me think she is cheating, but she seems to like a LOT of attention on her beasts and this book thing lately is really getting me wondering. I've shares all of this with her, and she shrugs it all off. 

Right now, my gut is telling me something is awry, but I don't have any solid proof...


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Honey, maybe she's trying to get YOUR attention? And trust me, nothing is more of a turnoff than the man that you're hoping to attract asking you, "what are you up to?"

Don't ask. Do. Take her. 

If that doesn't work, then yeah, there might be a problem. What I'm seeing is a wife who doesn't know how to communicate her sexual needs.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Hmm Have you tried acting a tad dominate with her when you two get home? Perhaps she is dressing this way in hopes YOU will do something like... say... pin her against a wall, kiss her, grope her, ect... That's ONE possibility.... Does she seem to be paying attention to anyone else when she dresses like this or does she make it a point to do so around you?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Honey, maybe she's trying to get YOUR attention? And trust me, nothing is more of a turnoff than the man that you're hoping to attract asking you, "what are you up to?"
> 
> Don't ask. Do. Take her.
> 
> If that doesn't work, then yeah, there might be a problem. What I'm seeing is a wife who doesn't know how to communicate her sexual needs.


lol Lamaga.. I'm gonna say.. JINX you owe me a soda!!!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Gaia, you get to my town, and I'll buy you a beer!


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Honey, maybe she's trying to get YOUR attention? And trust me, nothing is more of a turnoff than the man that you're hoping to attract asking you, "what are you up to?"
> 
> *Don't ask. Do. Take her. *
> 
> If that doesn't work, then yeah, there might be a problem. What I'm seeing is a wife who doesn't know how to communicate her sexual needs.


Yep, I agree 100%.
Husband taking me= good.
Husband being whiney about book, (even if it is a really stupid book)=bad.

I suggest you read the book, see if there's anything that perks your interest.
Though I will caution the books are pretty stupid & not what I would recommend as an intro into the BDSM lifestyle.
The Anne Rice "Beauty" books are actually more interesting & don't make you feel like you're losing brain cells while reading.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Banshee said:


> I've asked her if she's interested with anything in the book, or I'd there are things that we can try to spice things up. She always responds with "no, things are fine". ... She barely has to bend forward at all and she's all but falling out. It is not unusual to be at a restaurant and the waiter is looking down her top, and a few times her nipple was actually showing. When I tell her this, she just shrugs it off.


Your gut is right. This no-things-are-fine response rates right up there with the tight-lipped, "NOTHING IS WRONG," when a spouse realizes their partner is behaving in a passive/aggressive - hostile manner, and this is the answer they get to the question, "What's the matter?"

Does your wife have a history of being somewhat shy or prudish about sex? Is she hesitant to ask for what she wants and needs in order to feel fulfilled?

Just a hunch, but maybe she is merely acting out in response to the book. Or ... do you have any reason whatsoever to suspect she is having an EA or PA?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Phenix, agreed on all points except for the "Beauty" books -- l like them, but I think they'd make this guy's head explode.


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## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

I've been quite dominant in the bedroom, thinking that she may secretly want this. Quite frankly, I'd be very excited if she wanted to try some of those things. I guess that is exactly the point. She doesn't (at least not with me). I've given her many chances to tell me what she'd like to try, and in several cases have even initiated something a little different in hope that this may spark something in her. I'm really having trouble reading this one...


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

Banshee, what I'm reading is that she feels you will judge her for wanting to try some of what's in the book. A lot of women (and men) would like to try some light bondage or sensation play, but feel that their partners may be too conservative to try it. Since you said that you feel her erotica reading is a "first step to cheating," I can understand why she's hesitant to communicate her desires to you.

She's also been wearing more low-cut outfits in public? Acting like it's no big deal? She's doing it to get _your_ attention! You're not being dominant enough sexually for her; she's signalling that she wants you to up your game.

Stop judging. Start upping. Enjoy the results.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Sabrina, I wish I could give you about 1000 likes for that comment.


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## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Phenix, agreed on all points except for the "Beauty" books -- l like them, but I think they'd make this guy's head explode.


LOL... Thanks for being easy on me. These books really aren't my thing, but I will do whatever I need to if reading them will make my wife happy...


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

OK, Banshee, we've been making merry sport of you -- the Beauty books are pretty hard core, so why don't you start with reading the 50 books?

It's not about the books, it's about your wife trying to tell you what she wants.

Listen.

It's that easy.


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## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

SabrinaBlue said:


> Banshee, what I'm reading is that she feels you will judge her for wanting to try some of what's in the book. A lot of women (and men) would like to try some light bondage or sensation play, but feel that their partners may be too conservative to try it. Since you said that you feel her erotica reading is a "first step to cheating," I can understand why she's hesitant to communicate her desires to you.
> 
> She's also been wearing more low-cut outfits in public? Acting like it's no big deal? She's doing it to get _your_ attention! You're not being dominant enough sexually for her; she's signalling that she wants you to up your game.
> 
> Stop judging. Start upping. Enjoy the results.


Thanks for this. I readily admit that I don't understand my wife's signals half the time, so this really is helping me understand...


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Gaia, you get to my town, and I'll buy you a beer!


How about tequilla instead? Don't like beer..


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Banshee, honey, regardless of what happens, I am giving you huge points for trying. You're a good guy.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The thing is, if she admits to you that she wants it then the fantasy is ruined. The fantasy if predicated on you taking what you want. If she has to tell you then it doesn't work. Reading the book is all the hint you're going to get. I highly suggest you find a way to read that book, learn from it and give your wife the fantasy she craves.


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## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

I gotta say, although her reading this stuff seems benign, it's how she talks to me (or lack thereof) that has me worried. Frankly, I'd be happy if she admitted that some of that stuff turns her on. I've heard a few of you mention that maybe she is hesitant to tell me for fear of my reaction. I treat her with the utmost respect.. ..always. She is my life partner, and I have never given her any reason to think that any idea she may have is silly, stupid, etc. in fact, she is a very intelligent woman and I always admire her as a loving wife and mother. 

It's this weird behavior that has my head spinning right now....


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## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> The thing is, if she admits to you that she wants it then the fantasy is ruined. The fantasy if predicated on you taking what you want. If she has to tell you then it doesn't work. Reading the book is all the hint you're going to get. I highly suggest you find a way to read that book, learn from it and give your wife the fantasy she craves.


I've read the book, and actually bought a few things to "use". She was outright disinterested in any of it... That's my dilemma...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> THE WHOLE FREAKIN SCENARIO OF HIM TAKING ME IS PREDICATED ON ME NOT SHOWING INTEREST IN THE BEGINNING. IF I START OUT SHOWING INTEREST HE ISN'T TAKING ME HE IS JUST RESPONDING TO ME.
> 
> THAT IS NOT A TURN ON TO ME. I WANT TO BE TAKEN. WHAT THE HELL ELSE CAN I TELL HIM FOR HIM TO UNDERSTAND THAT.
> 
> ...


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

Banshee, I will also gently explain that there's a difference between being more forceful, and being more_ dominant_. Simply being rougher in your sexual encounters isn't being more dominant. Even if we're just talking bedroom domination vs. lifestyle (and that's a whole 'nother forum!), your wife is signalling that she wants you to be genuinely dominant in your time together, so that she can be submissive without fear. 

What does this mean? It means that she needs to be able to trust that she can fully relax and enjoy a scene with you. Given how you initially reacted to the book, she can't trust in that yet. She won't be able to relax and enjoy new things, and in turn, you won't be fulfilled either.

This all comes down to communication. Deep, loving communication. The kind that says, "I won't judge you. Tell me your kink; I won't judge you. I love you and I want to share these pleasures with you."

All the toys and stage-setting in the world won't work if you two can't trust each other implicitly.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Thanks for that Sabrina. Very important distinction. I wish I had read it yesterday. Seriously.


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## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

SabrinaBlue said:


> Banshee, I will also gently explain that there's a difference between being more forceful, and being more_ dominant_. Simply being rougher in your sexual encounters isn't being more dominant. Even if we're just talking bedroom domination vs. lifestyle (and that's a whole 'nother forum!), your wife is signalling that she wants you to be genuinely dominant in your time together, so that she can be submissive without fear.
> 
> What does this mean? It means that she needs to be able to trust that she can fully relax and enjoy a scene with you. Given how you initially reacted to the book, she can't trust in that yet. She won't be able to relax and enjoy new things, and in turn, you won't be fulfilled either.
> 
> ...


Sabrina... So how do I have this discussion when she won't communicate? As soon as she started reading, I asked her what it was about. She really didn't tell me anything. I finally wound up reading it, in hopes that it would clue me in on her needs, fantasies, etc. I bought some toys, with the understanding that I would figure out what really turned her on. As soon as those toys came into view, she told me she wasn't interested in "that stuff". I've tried several times to invoke discussion on this, but she simply isn't sharing anything with me. I don't know how I can get her to share with me...


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Well next time you bring out some toys.. just do what working posted... Say outright.. if you really don't want me to do this then say..(oranges, bananas, whatever you want to use as a safe word...) then proceed to do what you were about to do unless she says the word.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

She could just be playing hard to get with you and hoping you won't give up .. but instead.. go through with it.


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

Your wife's lack of verbal communication means that she's gone non-verbal (see: showing cleavage). You can go non-verbal too.

She's showing more cleavage? Look directly at it, slowly raise a brow, then look up into her eyes and smirk knowingly. Turn and move on like it's no big deal. You're at the restaurant? Without looking at her, place your hand on her thigh and ... well, I can't get too graphic, but you can tease her all during dinner and up the anticipation.

And it may be later ... after the fires have died down ... that you can have some nice pillow-talk about how much experimentation you'd like to do.


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## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

Gaia said:


> She could just be playing hard to get with you and hoping you won't give up .. but instead.. go through with it.


...yikes.... It's taking a small army of women to help me decode my wife. I understand the "hard to get" stuff, but don't want to scare her off my being too dominant if I mistake her as "hard to get" for a "hell NO"... 

I think our safe word will be ANY fruit.. ..maybe the entire fruit bowl...

Please remember, I'm a man. I have a very simple brain. Speak slowly and use big crayons for me...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Gaia said:


> She could just be playing hard to get with you and hoping you won't give up .. but instead.. go through with it.


Exactly. Just make sure you've established a safe word ahead of time. Like the day before, or days before.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

lol well ele has a great suggestion too that i think you should try out. I know.. us women are VERY complicated.... lol


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

Oh, Banshee. The fact that you're willing to listen and try is awesome. :smthumbup:


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Whoops!! Not ele.. meant Sabrina!! Sorry Sabrina!!


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

Hehe. No worries. I was like, "Wait, ele posted in here? Where was this?" Totally scrolled back looking. :rofl:


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

lol my minds a bit ditsy right now... am seriously considering getting this book..


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Banshee as a woman who has found it very difficult to express in the past, my need for a relationship in which I am dominated, I can tell you I believe even though your wife may say she is not interested, as the other posters mentioned she definitely is. 

I would recommend you go to the site Taken In Hand, this may help you lovingly take control of the relationship. Also stop asking and take action, women love a thoughtful man who takes control on his own. 

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Reading is not the first step toward cheating. By asking her to contain her interests and thoughts so that they don't make you uncomfortable, you are putting her in a cage. This is a terrible, terrible thing to do. She will hide more of herself from you and her spirit will shrivel and one day, she will really and truly hate you and you will probably deserve it for having done this to her. Don't go down that road. 

Please stop for a minute and think about what you're saying. You're trying to control what turns her on and makes her happy and what interests her, just to make sure she doesn't cheat on you. You're asking her to stop reading a novel just because it makes you uncomfortable. You're forgetting that she is not a tool or a piece of furniture or decoration or toy for you to manipulate as you wish and though you don't see that is what you're doing, that's how it looks to me. She is a person with a mind and heart and interests of her own. She made a commitment to be loyal, faithful, and supportive of you, not a commitment to become a half a person just because you don't like the other aspects of her.

What you're asking of her is impossibly cruel. 

Let her read what she wants and what interests her. You're not her father and she isn't a child. Be a husband and a partner and be supportive of who she is, not what you would like her to be. Take an interest in what interests her, just to understand her a little better. You have a better chance at safeguarding your marriage from cheating if you invest your energy in making a good partnership rather than trying to keep her static and closed and caged off just for the sake of your insecurity. 

If she were actively pursuing people to enact these fantasies, then you'd have a problem. However, if you have no real reason to accuse her of cheating or worrying about it, then your marriage problems are more likely coming from a power dynamic that sounds like it is not entirely balanced. 

You're over-reacting to some paranoid thoughts in a pretty major way. People also like "The Hunger Games" and it doesn't mean they will go out killing everyone. People also liked "Harry Potter" but that didn't make everyone who read the book turn to witchcraft. People liked "Twilight", too, but I doubt most of them playacted as vampires in real life. There's a huge difference between imagination and action. Maybe she just likes the romance in it or the story. Maybe you should invest your energy in courting her and giving her romance in real life instead of trying to control what turns her on.

I'm sorry to be so harsh, but I find myself deeply troubled by your attitude toward your wife's mind.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Moxy.. I don't think he is trying to control her in any way, shape, or form. I also don't think he had asked her to stop reading the book.. i think maybe it was.. she picked up that he was uncomfortable, stated she would stop reading if it made him uncomfortable, he may have said yes or ok, then she probably found it to good to put down so she kept reading regardless. I think he is just trying to UNDERSTAND his wife.. not control her. At least I'm not seeing the.. "I want to control my wife" attitude in his posts... I may be missing something you picked up on I guess?


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

moxy, I also didn't pick up that Banshee was showing a controlling manner. Edit: she offered to stop reading it because it caused him to feel uncomfortable - he hadn't demanded that she stop.

I get where Banshee seemed a little paranoid - a man can get to feeling that way when his wife changes and is sending misunderstood signals - but I still don't see the overarching "cage" dynamic going on. What do you see in his posts that leads to this train of thought?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

She may seriously want him to be controlling.  it turns me on no end, I also love being told what I can read and what I can't. However if a man tries to be dominant but gives in easily, that's not sexy.
If the books make you inconfortable you need to let her know you won't stand for her to be reading them, delete the book, and give her a thorough spanking. Tell her that you would love to indulge in her fantasies together, and make it all about the two of you. Give her a lot of attention. Take charge ASAP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Banshee as a woman who has found it very difficult to express in the past, my need for a relationship in which I am dominated, I can tell you I believe even though your wife may say she is not interested, as the other posters mentioned she definitely is.
> 
> I would recommend you go to the site Taken In Hand, this may help you lovingly take control of the relationship. Also stop asking and take action, women love a thoughtful man who takes control on his own.
> 
> ...


Thanks. I think this is the solution I need. Stay tuned for updates.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Banshee said:


> it's how she talks to me (or lack thereof) that has me worried.
> 
> It's this weird behavior that has my head spinning right now....


THIS is your real problem. 

You guys are not communicating about something that matters. You sense it. She can't express it. Maybe you guys don't even know what "it" is. Something, however, is not connecting. Maybe she doesn't feel safe opening up to you. Do you put her on a pedestal too much? Are you critical of her faults? Does she have any self-esteem issues? Is she able to talk to you about problems at all? The think you want to work on is ow to improve your overall emotional intimacy, which will hopefully be reinforced by better sexual intimacy, too.

Have you read "His Needs, Her Needs" or "The Five Love Languages"? I suggest that since she is fond of reading and you're worrying about the communication issue, you guys read both of those books together and discuss them! You need to have some place from which to start dealing with this lack of communication, some common language with which to start dealing with it. 

Additionally, have you tried simply telling her what's bugging you? LIke saying: "I feel like something is missing between us, like I'm trying to connect with you but can't quite reach you, like you're guarded. This is bothering me because I want to feel connected to you. Is there something going on between us that leaves you unfulfilled? Is there some way we can try to connect more intensely?"...or whatever? Maybe she doesn't even understand that this is a problem you're experiencing...

This is not about a book. This is about connection!


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I agree with moxy on reading the books she suggested. You two could also take the free online quiz to see what each of your love languages is...


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

3leafclover said:


> This could be it. Like SabrinaBlue said, a lot of this is about trust. Women who have these types of fantasies can feel very vulnerable about them to the point of the-lady-doth-protest-too-much in their efforts to hide them. This can be due to fear of rejection or because they feel like the fantasies are dirty or will be perceived as silly.
> 
> Taking control in the bedroom in an assertive way rather than asking may help because then she can pretend it's your choice, not hers. It's much easier to get over inhibitions when you can slip into a submissive mindset of, "It's out of my hands. I'm just doing what I'm told." That's what freedom in chains means...if someone else is in control and all you have to do is give in, you're free to enjoy the act without overthinking so much.
> 
> Taken In Hand is a good site for HOH relationships, but I'd caution against assuming that your wife is looking for a dominant outside of the bedroom at this point. Plenty of women enjoy bedroom dominance. That doesn't mean they want to be submissive in everyday life to their partners. Tons of women love the sex scenes in 50 Shades of Grey but wouldn't dream of submitting outside the bedroom. And many of the ones who think they'd like to submit outside the bedroom realize later that they were wrong and it's something best left confined to sex for them.


:iagree: with this too.


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## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

moxy said:


> Reading is not the first step toward cheating. By asking her to contain her interests and thoughts so that they don't make you uncomfortable, you are putting her in a cage. This is a terrible, terrible thing to do. She will hide more of herself from you and her spirit will shrivel and one day, she will really and truly hate you and you will probably deserve it for having done this to her. Don't go down that road.
> 
> Please stop for a minute and think about what you're saying. You're trying to control what turns her on and makes her happy and what interests her, just to make sure she doesn't cheat on you. You're asking her to stop reading a novel just because it makes you uncomfortable. You're forgetting that she is not a tool or a piece of furniture or decoration or toy for you to manipulate as you wish and though you don't see that is what you're doing, that's how it looks to me. She is a person with a mind and heart and interests of her own. She made a commitment to be loyal, faithful, and supportive of you, not a commitment to become a half a person just because you don't like the other aspects of her.
> 
> ...


Moxy...

I'm not at all trying to control her. Just understand her. If anything, I don't want to push her away as I mistakenly read into things. I'm a guy, and readily admit that "I don't get it" when it comes to women... That's why I started this post. I wanted to get an open view of the situation, from the perspective of complete strangers, do that I react appropriately and support my wife. I honestly don't know what's in her head right now. She's sent me so many mixed messages it's downright confusing to me....


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Moxy.. I don't think he is trying to control her in any way, shape, or form. I also don't think he had asked her to stop reading the book.. i think maybe it was.. she picked up that he was uncomfortable, stated she would stop reading if it made him uncomfortable, he may have said yes or ok, then she probably found it to good to put down so she kept reading regardless. I think he is just trying to UNDERSTAND his wife.. not control her. At least I'm not seeing the.. "I want to control my wife" attitude in his posts... I may be missing something you picked up on I guess?


In the initial post, there seemed to be a lot about him being uncomfortable with the choice of book, the fact that it remained on her e-reader despite his discomfort, and also the worry that it was the first step toward cheating. These are not huge domineering things, but there's a risk that in trying to control the problem (the lack of communication), he is going to end up controlling her, especially if she is the sort of person who is just going to volunteer to quit doing something (reading the book) she is doing in order to please him. It's so easy for this dynamic to become a real power imbalance that is very difficult to fix. 

I don't believe that the original poster is actively trying to control her or manipulate her, but that the risk seems to be right there and that it's something he needs to be careful of. He's reacting to what he perceives of her behavior and thoughts and what anonymous forum members are perceiving about his perception of her thoughts and actions, rather than actively communicating these things with her. It's like applying force to the wrong point and it could get out of hand. I thought it was important to express that the reaction to her reading material, the impulse to control the environment in order to understand her, would have problematic results. So, my response is a little strong.

I've read a bit further in the thread, however, and it seems clearer that the OP isn't trying to get her to quit reading the book, just trying to make sense of what's going on and to solve it. I still think that it's better to fix the communication issue than to try to work around it, though, by trying to read her mind about what she wants.

In reading further, I also do think that the OP's wife is giving off some big physical hints that she wants him to play a more passionate and aggressive role in their sex life, as other posters here have indicated in other words.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I do agree with them needed to communicate better though and I think that could help them both in the bedroom and out.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Banshee said:


> Moxy...
> 
> I'm not at all trying to control her. Just understand her. If anything, I don't want to push her away as I mistakenly read into things. I'm a guy, and readily admit that "I don't get it" when it comes to women... That's why I started this post. I wanted to get an open view of the situation, from the perspective of complete strangers, do that I react appropriately and support my wife. I honestly don't know what's in her head right now. She's sent me so many mixed messages it's downright confusing to me....


This is good to hear. I am not trying to claim that you are some kind of monster. I think I clarified a little more in my response to Gaia, as well. 

I'm suggesting that in trying to get a handle on the situation, you're working around her and not with her. In doing so, you are inadvertently treating her as a thing rather than a being with agency and opinions that may differ from yours (to a small extent). This is not a problem that you can fix by just reading her mind or decoding her wishes. This is a problem that you guys should work on fixing together because the act of working out the problem is something that will bring the two of you closer. If you don't work on it together and you're just trying to solve a partnership problem by yourself, then by controlling the situation, you will end up controlling her, too. Since you mentioned that there have been rocky moments, throughout the marriage, that risk is compounded. Don't let this veer off into a world of resentment and pain.

I applaud your efforts to gain insight into your wife's attitude and perspective by coming to a forum to look for info to help you. I applaud your willingness to make sense of this disconnect between the two of you. However, I also think that you need to spend some of this energy talking TO her and finding ways to make a vocabulary that works for both of you so that you can find a permanent or lasting solution to the problem at the heart of all of this. Ultimately, you can only strengthen your partnership if you both work on things together, as well as independently. 

The trouble with things like affairs is that they are born of a desire to escape what feels like an unfixable problem, to vent something or fill something. In your initial post, you seemed worried that she would turn outside of the marriage to seek some fulfillment she wasn't getting and the part about it that you should hold onto isn't the risk of cheating, but the risk of needing a release value because the system is overly pressurized. You want to avoid this for yourself as well as for her, as she probably does, too. Seeking outside help on your marriage might help you in the short term, but if it isn't combined with an active mending of the communication problem, then it conditions you not to go to your own spouse first and it conditions her to believe that she should just keep sending you cryptic signals that you will have to figure out for yourself and those things won't help you guys for long. I'm not suggesting that you NOT use forums to figure out what's going on, but that you make sure this isn't a substitute for finding a way to communicate with your wife.

Sorry if I seem a little too worked up about it. I am on your side, guy. I just see that you're in a place that seems delicate and could get fixed or get worse and I'm hoping that things for you both get fixed and get better because it's obvious that you love your wife and that she is willing to please you in what ways she knows how, but that the issue is just one of missing vocabulary or something.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

This is a lot of hype over someone reading a few books!

Is it possible that the answer is simple? She wanted to read them because they are all the rage right now, someone recommended it to her, all her friends are talking about it, she is curious. She's read(ing) it and doesn't find it a turn on, it just simply is a story.

I read about half of the first book and felt my brain dripping from my ears...oh my gawd what deplorable writing. I understand this was just fan fiction gone too far, but seriously makes me sad for the general population right now if thus is what is considered the next John Steinbeck or the like.

Anyway! 

Really, maybe she just wasn't that into the book. I read about all kinds of things, just for curiosity sake. I might read about donkey sex one day but that doesn't mean I have any desire to try it. Seriously.

Stop pushing her and stop whining about it. Any inclination she had to possibly be turned on and try something with you would be ruined by those two moves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

moxy said:


> THIS is your real problem.
> 
> You guys are not communicating about something that matters. You sense it. She can't express it. Maybe you guys don't even know what "it" is. Something, however, is not connecting. Maybe she doesn't feel safe opening up to you. Do you put her on a pedestal too much? Are you critical of her faults? Does she have any self-esteem issues? Is she able to talk to you about problems at all? The think you want to work on is ow to improve your overall emotional intimacy, which will hopefully be reinforced by better sexual intimacy, too.
> 
> ...


I've read the Love Languages books, but on my own, several years ago. Thy may be a good start. I have called her tonight ( I'm on business travel today) just to let her know that I love her and care for her. She seems very distant to me. I told her that I would like to read a book together - when I get home. Her response... ..."whatever"...


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

:/ Hmm.... how attentive have you been toward her throughout the marriage?


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Do you know eachothers love language?


Detoured to take the quiz. Highly recommended! 

Maybe now I can get hubby to understand why I feel suffused with love when he sweeps the floors without being asked.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

lol yours is acts of service too eh?


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## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

kag123 said:


> This is a lot of hype over someone reading a few books!
> 
> Is it possible that the answer is simple? She wanted to read them because they are all the rage right now, someone recommended it to her, all her friends are talking about it, she is curious. She's read(ing) it and doesn't find it a turn on, it just simply is a story.
> 
> ...


I'm not whining, just trying to understand. I risk more by not understanding her, and that's why I posted he question to begin with. I'm questioning my own thoughts on this before doing something stupid.


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## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

Gaia said:


> :/ Hmm.... how attentive have you been toward her throughout the marriage?


As attentive as I can possibly be


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

Gaia said:


> lol yours is acts of service too eh?


Yup! Many a tiff has ensued from chores undone, and many a thank-you/love-you text has been sent for chores done unasked.

Now, to turn melty kitty eyes on him until he takes the quiz, too ... 

Back to Banshee: what's your love language? Did she ever take the quiz, or any clue to hers?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

So... everytime your around her... your ALWAYS giving her attention? Perhaps she might feel a bit smothered? You could read the thread on .. what is it.. turning down the thermostat or something like that... and see if it could help as well?


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## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

Gaia said:


> So... everytime your around her... your ALWAYS giving her attention? Perhaps she might feel a bit smothered? You could read the thread on .. what is it.. turning down the thermostat or something like that... and see if it could help as well?


LOL. Too much attention. Not enough attention. I don't even know what to say. My belief is that she feels loved. "too much", I don't think so. This is hurting my head....


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Banshee said:


> LOL. Too much attention. Not enough attention. I don't even know what to say. My belief is that she feels loved. "too much", I don't think so. This is hurting my head....


lol sorry.. not meaning to confuse you.. just trying to figure out what it could possibly be and try to help you the best i can.


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## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

enoughisenough said:


> Would she agree? My husband thinks if he helps around the house and provides that he is being a good husband. The times I've had difficult personal issues to deal with he has never asked how I am doing with them or shown he cares. Do you value and encourage her in what she values? My husband supports me well physically and materially but not emotionally. He wouldn't see that. Maybe you are different
> 
> I had a conversation with him the other day and asked why he never asked me how I was now feeling about a particularly situation I had been upset about. He said, "Because that topic is uncomfortable for me so I avoid it". I pointed out to him that I had approached and discussed a topic with our child that I found very uncomfortable myself and that I did it because I cared about her enough to put my own discomfort aside to care about her and make sure she was ok.
> 
> ...


I honestly don't have an answer here. I've told her that I care deeply for her and encourage her to talk to me EVERY time I sense that she may not be 100%. However, if she's withholding information from me how can I extract it? I'm a firm believer of full communication, but that take 2 people.


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## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

Gaia said:


> lol sorry.. not meaning to confuse you.. just trying to figure out what it could possibly be and try to help you the best i can.


Don't get me wrong. You're comments are much appreciated. I just don't know how to process them all...


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## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

enoughisenough said:


> That's because none of us are your wife and we're just offering ideas.


Don't get me wrong. You're comments are much appreciated. I just don't know how to process them all...


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

If you are giving her a lot of attention it could be "nice guy" attention. I personally love a lot of attention from a strong assertive, not to be walked all over, loving caring, in charge man, who definitely wears the pants, yet puts our relationship first. I don't like lots of attention from the man who will do whatever I tell him and who tries to meet every ridiculous whim I have. 

Does your wife speak to you nicely? or with impatience? Do you feel she respects and adores you? If you feel like she's I control of the relationship,you need to change this around, that doesn't mean being an A hole it means lovingly taking charge and commanding respect. 

Please do look at Taken in Hand. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

enoughisenough said:


> You are getting hit with a lot of feedback. Sleep on it. Think about it for a while. Take what seems to fit and discard the rest. You don't have to process everything right now.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sabrina,
This is artful. You picked up on the EXACT same vibe I did. 

Banshee,
Read your initial post on this. It struck me as rather negative. My initial thought was this:
- Their marital sex life is not good - she doesn't like it - he isn't getting enough and the result is:
- He is irritated that she is so focused on this book AND
- His irritation comes across to her as judgmental/disapproving

If you are a typical "high drive" male it is your JOB to figure out what she likes/dislikes. Coming across as judgmental/irritable is only going to shut down communication. 




SabrinaBlue said:


> Banshee, I will also gently explain that there's a difference between being more forceful, and being more_ dominant_. Simply being rougher in your sexual encounters isn't being more dominant. Even if we're just talking bedroom domination vs. lifestyle (and that's a whole 'nother forum!), your wife is signalling that she wants you to be genuinely dominant in your time together, so that she can be submissive without fear.
> 
> What does this mean? It means that she needs to be able to trust that she can fully relax and enjoy a scene with you. Given how you initially reacted to the book, she can't trust in that yet. She won't be able to relax and enjoy new things, and in turn, you won't be fulfilled either.
> 
> ...


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Yes you are over reacting!!! You feel your marriage is threatened over a book. NOT your wives actions but a damn book. Sit back and let her enjoy her book.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Cheating... really?? Your being a bit dramatic here:soapbox:. Stop. 

It sounds like to me the other men didn't use the book series to put more space between them and their wives but to bring them together. You on the other hand are giving her a reason to want to keep it from you and to herself. Instead of having a nonjudgmental conversation with her about it you guilt trip her into not reading the series. 

Also you sound very insecure to feel so easily threatened by a BOOK!! Get. A. Grip. GAWD!!


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

Love Song, please calm down and read the rest of the thread.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

Lol, let's see, be assertive, but don't do anything to upset her, listen to everything she's not saying etc...When there has been no major marital issues like abuse, drugs, booze or adultery women that get this way need to be called on their crap, because that's what it is, manipulative crap.

Just tell her " you don't seem to be happy, and won't tell me why. I am not willing to be in a marriage where you hide things from me, you need to think about this now" Turn your phone off then leave for a couple of hours, if you have kids take them with you. She needs to know her avoidance behavior is not acceptable, If you don't do this she will pile up a lot of little crap resentfully over the years and then just walk away anyway, best to clear the air now than wait for her to decide.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

You sound needy and insecure here. That is a major turn off for most women. If you feel that way then investigate but do it in the shadows.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I will never understand how books can turn a woman on so easily.

But if it's actually going to benefit your love life jump all over it. Buy her every damned cheesy book series you can find.

As a very entertaining former football coach once said "You play to win the game."


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Banshee said:


> I honestly don't have an answer here. I've told her that I care deeply for her and encourage her to talk to me EVERY time I sense that she may not be 100%. However, if she's withholding information from me how can I extract it? I'm a firm believer of full communication, but that take 2 people.


Plain and simple, there's a difference between what women say they want and what they need. Us men need to figure out what they want and can't rely on them telling us. If we hold their needs hostage to their ability to communicate then 1) we relinquish control that they want us to have and 2) we are setting ourselves up to be misled. 

I find this point somewhat ironic, in our previous therapist I was advised by our therapist that women are the better communicators. With all due respect ladies, you may express yourselves more naturally, but as communicators you're lousy because whatever the opposite of direct is, that's what women do to communicate.

Sorry... had to be said. I know you (women) just do it to make us (men) chase you.

You've probably discovered that somehow this book is a clue to what she wants.


As to everyone else... don't be hard on the guy. He felt secure, and he's gotten an unexpected clue that things may not have been as he expected. It's most likely not a sign of any cheating going on, but why is cheating so hurtful? Because you thought everything was okay and suddenly you find out that your feeling of security was based on incorrect information. Same feeling I'm sure.


I didn't read all of the thread, there's too much.. If there hasn't been any other woman that has posted from having read the book to say what Banshee's wife might be enjoying and what that means to him, DUDE - read the book. Get the book and pretend to read it. At the very least, you could send the signal that you recognize that (regardless of what she says) it does something for her, that you're okay with it, and you have an interest in sharing that.

It very likely what she gets from the book is something maybe that she is a little ashamed of from her upbringing, and it's not hard to guess what her reaction is to you expressing something that comes across as a disapproval. She probably might have a natural inclination to even take that a little personally.

*My recommendation of what to do*

Since you've already done that, you need to let her know you thought about it, that you reacted with a surprise, it was something you didn't understand and that made you a little insecure, but you can see that for whatever reason this does something for her. Acknowledge that you came across as disapproving, but it was not a reflection on her or the book - only a reflection of the fact that you saw a change you didn't understand. Inform her that you're okay with her reading the book, and since you recognize that it does something for her that she likes, you want to share and understand what that is - and you're reading that book for the possibility of getting closer - NOT because you distrust her.

So I had no idea what this book was before this thread, but I saw it at B&N. So maybe I might need to look into this a little.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

WillK said:


> I find this point somewhat ironic, in our previous therapist I was advised by our therapist that women are the better communicators. With all due respect ladies, you may express yourselves more naturally, but as communicators you're lousy because whatever the opposite of direct is, that's what women do to communicate.


I will disagree slightly. From what I have observed, most women communicate very well with each other. However, many try that same communication style with men, assuming that men communicate in the exact same way. Men don't, so many women get frustrated and complain that men don't listen.

I will also add that when it comes to sex, I think many wives have difficulty opening up to their husband about what they want, for many of the reasons discussed above. I have had the most success when I try new things in the heat of the moment and watch her reaction, along with a little post-sex chatting about her reaction. When she talks, avoid all judgment - make it safe for her to share this with you. My wife is not comfortable discussing things ahead of time, but is comfortable with me leading. 

In this scenario, I would recommend starting slow and seeing how she reacts. For example, grabbing her hands and holding them above her head during forplay. See if how she reacts and responds. If postively, you can ramp things up.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Hmmm ... maybe I'm a lone voice on this one. And I'll admit my vision may also be colored by my experience.

Haven't read the books yet. Fully intend to given all of the hooplah they have received. I have no problem with them.
But ... I have read ABOUT the books, and talked about them with several women.
It's fantasy. It's the equivalent of a guy streaming porn, but apparently somehow ... is not perceived as poorly. And in my mind,
that's a good thing. There's enough sexual judgement and baggage floating around out there. But, let's face it, there is no such
thing as bad publicity.

The other little tid-bit is that most of the women that enjoy this erotica would either be mortified or fall over laughing if 
their husbands actually tried any of it on them ... take note of that one, as well as the input from the OP.

I have seen a lot of advice here about what Banshee needs to do to win over the erotic sensibilities of his non-communicative wife.

The book has nothing to do with what's going on here. The book is merely another 'catalyst'.

Bottom line, Banshee is concerned, fearful, that he is losing his spouse, and doesn't know why. That fear manifests in lots of ways, including worrying about whether or not your wife is interested in someone or something else.

Reverse roles for a moment, and lets say that Mrs. Banshee was posting that her husband wasn't communicating with her, she felt them drifting apart he seemed to be more into watching porn, than engaging with her ... and the thread would be full of VERY different input.

Can't help but notice that most of the input is from the ladies ... and I'm presuming that's based on the title of the thread 

My radar may be off, but I think the issue is more substantial than being sexually dominant, or concern about what she's reading.
Dare I say, I suspect that Mrs. Banshee isn't all that into Mr. Banshee at all. That doesn't mean she's cheating.

But ... if things don't change? The odds that one of them eventually will, go up exponentially.

So ... that said, rather than commanding her into the bedroom while wearing a leather jock-strap and holding a riding crop, I'd suggest
scheduling an appointment for marriage counseling. Tell her when it is and where it is. You expect her to be there, and if she isn't, you have 
your answer about where things stand. Being dominant means leading. Here is your opportunity to lead.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

Deejo, you hit that one out of the park, I agree 100%.
The ladies are very quick to circle the wagons around the use of their own porn ;~). If Mrs. Banshee routinely read Bodice Rippers and Fang Fan stuff I would not be concerned, but I think Banshee has a very legitimate concern here, particularly if Mrs. Banshee's reading preference have change radically in recent times


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Deejo said:


> The other little tid-bit is that most of the women that enjoy this erotica would either be mortified or fall over laughing if
> their husbands actually tried any of it on them ... take note of that one, as well as the input from the OP.


:iagree:

Just because people enjoy reading about it is not an indicator they actually want to _*try*_ it. I suspect of the millions who read Andy McNab's novels, very few would fall over themselves to pick up a rifle and body armour and fart about in Afghanistan for six months getting shot at for real.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> Every decade there is one Hot sex book that is a best seller and all most every woman gets into them.
> 
> I remember growing up as a teenager when the "Happy Hooker" was all the raged.
> 
> Some husband's get lucky and get to have wild hot sex for a few weeks.


Yeah, and as a plan for getting it on an ongoing basis goes, it runs alongside "sh1t in one hand and wish in the other". Maybe it helps for a while, but as a long strategy, you need something else.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

moxy said:


> Reading is not the first step toward cheating. By asking her to contain her interests and thoughts so that they don't make you uncomfortable, you are putting her in a cage. This is a terrible, terrible thing to do. She will hide more of herself from you and her spirit will shrivel and one day, she will really and truly hate you and you will probably deserve it for having done this to her. Don't go down that road.
> 
> Please stop for a minute and think about what you're saying. You're trying to control what turns her on and makes her happy and what interests her, just to make sure she doesn't cheat on you. You're asking her to stop reading a novel just because it makes you uncomfortable. You're forgetting that she is not a tool or a piece of furniture or decoration or toy for you to manipulate as you wish and though you don't see that is what you're doing, that's how it looks to me. She is a person with a mind and heart and interests of her own. She made a commitment to be loyal, faithful, and supportive of you, not a commitment to become a half a person just because you don't like the other aspects of her.
> 
> ...


You are projecting big time here. Way off base in my opinion.


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

Deejo, I'm going to disagree on the porn angle. Maybe I'm weird, but I have no problem with my husband looking at porn (and I sometimes do, myself). All I ask is that he not be "sneaky" about it, i.e., close the screen and look guilty when I walk in. As long as he doesn't try to make it some big secret, I'm cool.

You've got a valid point that Banshee's wife may simply be disinterested in him. I'm hopeful that's not the case. That's why I'm suggesting changing tactics and seeing how she reacts, before taking the step of couples counseling. If she doesn't warm to his advances whatsoever, then yeah - something's off.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

SabrinaBlue said:


> Deejo, I'm going to disagree on the porn angle. Maybe I'm weird, but I have no problem with my husband looking at porn (and I sometimes do, myself). All I ask is that he not be "sneaky" about it, i.e., close the screen and look guilty when I walk in. As long as he doesn't try to make it some big secret, I'm cool.
> 
> You've got a valid point that Banshee's wife may simply be disinterested in him. I'm hopeful that's not the case. That's why I'm suggesting changing tactics and seeing how she reacts, before taking the step of couples counseling. If she doesn't warm to his advances whatsoever, then yeah - something's off.


:iagree: I wonder how Banshee is doing...


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Deejo said:


> Bottom line, Banshee is concerned, fearful, that he is losing his spouse, and doesn't know why. That fear manifests in lots of ways, including worrying about whether or not your wife is interested in someone or something else.
> 
> But ... if things don't change? The odds that one of them eventually will, go up exponentially.
> 
> So ... that said, rather than commanding her into the bedroom while wearing a leather jock-strap and holding a riding crop, I'd suggest scheduling an appointment for marriage counseling. Tell her when it is and where it is. You expect her to be there, and if she isn't, you have your answer about where things stand. Being dominant means leading. Here is your opportunity to lead.


:iagree::iagree::iagree: 
With these things, I totally agree. Insightful answer.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> You are projecting big time here. Way off base in my opinion.


I'm not projecting anything. None of these issues were present in my life. I did, however, clarify why I said this and why I was harsh about it. I also conceded the points that seemed, to me, off base once I got more info on the thread. I also said that, as the thread unraveled, it became obvious to me that OPs issue wasn't the book or even control, but the lack of intimacy or disconnection between the OP and his wife. 

No need to make this personal, Enginerd. It makes sense to say you think that the statements were off base, but whether or not I'm "projecting" is not really the topic and it's not my motivation that is at issue in this thread.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I think your input is great ... I truly do, but my gut tells me this isn't about warming up. Seems like Banshee is already frozen out. And if he were to try to 'romance' her ... it actually makes things worse. He stands to become more frustrated and angry, and she stands to shut down further and push him away.

It's a delicate balancing act.

As for the porn vs. erotica piece, I think it revolves around anxiety on behalf of the partner. If you feel like you are second choice ... and that your spouse prefers something else over you ... you aren't going to be thrilled about whatever it is.



SabrinaBlue said:


> Deejo, I'm going to disagree on the porn angle. Maybe I'm weird, but I have no problem with my husband looking at porn (and I sometimes do, myself). All I ask is that he not be "sneaky" about it, i.e., close the screen and look guilty when I walk in. As long as he doesn't try to make it some big secret, I'm cool.
> 
> You've got a valid point that Banshee's wife may simply be disinterested in him. I'm hopeful that's not the case. That's why I'm suggesting changing tactics and seeing how she reacts, before taking the step of couples counseling. If she doesn't warm to his advances whatsoever, then yeah - something's off.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Deejo said:


> I think your input is great ... I truly do, but my gut tells me this isn't about warming up. Seems like Banshee is already frozen out. And if he were to try to 'romance' her ... it actually makes things worse. He stands to become more frustrated and angry, and she stands to shut down further and push him away.
> 
> It's a delicate balancing act.
> 
> As for the porn vs. erotica piece, I think it revolves around anxiety on behalf of the partner. If you feel like you are second choice ... and that your spouse prefers something else over you ... you aren't going to be thrilled about whatever it is.


You know... he did say he read the book, he brought toys into the bedroom, has tried ... so perhaps it is time for counseling and a look at how to communicate better...


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

Deejo, Gaia, good points. Banshee, let us know how you're processing things, yeah?


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## Jacked (May 21, 2012)

Banshee, I think Deejo is right. When you are shut out and put second behind porn, the emotional affair has begun. Its only a half step to a physical one. And when a woman sells (nipples showing without caring) someone will buy. I would be very concerned about your communication with her rather than your sexual relationship. 

Speaking from experience, my husband lived our whole marriage in an emotional affair with absolutely anyone but me. But man, were we hot in the bedroom. And the more distant he became, the hotter I made it. I lost a little respect for myself doing it, and I lost him anyway. So I can honestly say that whether she likes more dominance in the bedroom or not has nothing to do with the fact that she has shut you out. If she gives you the ILYBINILWY speech, "I love you but I'm not in love with you", you may safely assume that she is having an affair, or at the very least has started an emotional affair, which can range from a mental fantasy of a life she doesn't have, to addiction to hard porn, to "he's just a friend," to the weekend trip "with her girlfriends" actual affair. I believe when a man thinks his wife is starting to have an emotional affair, he ought to listen to his instincts. 

The good news is, you love her and she is still your wife. You can talk with her and ask her the big questions without feeling guilty. Let her know that you love her and that you want her to tell you what in the world is going on because you don't want to lose what you have with her. And let her know that you will love her no matter what she says. If she has become attracted to some guy, or thinks that the only way to be happy is to feel sexy to others, let her know that you love her and that you can work through it if she is willing to confide in you. 

You may have to decide whether you would be willing to work with her through an affair. In my opinion, it often transpires that when a person has got to a point where he thinks an affair is acceptable, he is no longer in control of his reasoning abilities. He is out of control and begging for help. In those cases, affairs do not have to be the end of the relationship. But you would be completely justified in divorce because of it. That choice would be yours, but I hope it doesn't reach that point.

Mort Fertel has a great program for marriages in exactly your situation. I'm sorry that it's happening. But listen your feelings. If you are religious, pray with her. No one can help like God can.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sabrina,
This is classic. It is so right. The best sexual communication is completely non-verbal. It is low key and mixes interest with the ability to ignore the other person. 

She does not want to TALK. She wants him to TAKE. The more agitated/visible his emotions - the less turned on she will be. The more in control of his emotions and his body language, the more dominant, the better the result. 




SabrinaBlue said:


> Your wife's lack of verbal communication means that she's gone non-verbal (see: showing cleavage). You can go non-verbal too.
> 
> She's showing more cleavage? Look directly at it, slowly raise a brow, then look up into her eyes and smirk knowingly. Turn and move on like it's no big deal. You're at the restaurant? Without looking at her, place your hand on her thigh and ... well, I can't get too graphic, but you can tease her all during dinner and up the anticipation.
> 
> And it may be later ... after the fires have died down ... that you can have some nice pillow-talk about how much experimentation you'd like to do.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ok, .Paranoid me is asking why you were concerned about her cheating? Are there any signs or red flags? Do you think she is dressing provocatively but not for you? Think hard. List them all out. From what you posted, it looks like she is't into you that much. How is/was your sex life?


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

OK... what's up with Banshee not letting us know what's going on in his own thread... I've been wondering if any of our input is clicking and not seen anything from the OP in this thread, but I believe he's posted in other threads..

I'm going to make one more attempt here...Banshee, you sound like the Old WillK. Just one week ago, my wife was detatched and about to seperate. Last Saturday, the New WillK emerged and she responded immediately. She's been suspicious that the Old WillK will return, and for she started sliding back to withdrawing from me, but I got my foot in the door and today I laid the New WillK on her thick and we've had screaming sex twice, ending with her passed out on the couch next to me from her orgasm.

If you're like the old me, you need to change. And if you're like me, what better motivation can there be to make that first step than the possibility of the kind of results I just described.


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## uzername (May 1, 2012)

maybe she's just not ready to delve into her fantasies and live them out loud...so she enjoys them in her own head for now. aren't there some things you think about, but aren't sure how she'd react to them - so you keep them to yourself for now? thinking, maybe someday... 
btw, i cannot WAIT to read these books after hearing so much hoopla about them! and i have never, never ever thought about cheating just because of what i read in a smutty book.


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