# I Hate Infidelity....What Do I Do



## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

Hello all. I have been reading on this site for about 7 weeks now, ever since my DDay. I have been hesitant to post my predicament but after weeks of reading posts and threads, i decided I would like some opinions from the folks here on TAM.

Our lives in a nutshell....met each other at 15 yrs old (she is now 38 and i'm 37). We were best friends. Never one without the other. We grew out of our teens together and became "exclusive" at the age of 20, 21 for her. We had our first child when i was 21, she was 22. Very young I know. We had issues back then...not getting along, arguments, pressures of life, raising a child at such a very young age, etc. We made it through the thick of it and life got to be good. We loved each other and got along, at this time, for the most part. Our sex life was good and we really only dealt with normal life issues. Nothing that the two of us together couldn't get through. 

Early 2008 we decided we wanted another child and so we started trying. June of 2008 she found out she was pregnant. We couldn't have been happier! The pregnancy was rough on her. She developed preeclampsia. She ended up having our daughter 3 months early and she only barely survived the ordeal, both of them. Literally! Blessed we were!!! Newfound love for one another.

Go forward almost a year and everything was good. We got along, had great sex, and in general we just enjoyed and loved each others company. We've, for the most part, always enjoyed and loved each other. I always had her back and vice versa. We work well together. 

August of 2009 I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. It crippled me, literally. I couldn't walk for months and had a hard time doing ANYTHING. I couldn't feel anything from the waist down. Needless to say, sex took a turn for the worst. I really slumped into depression. I gave up on life and friends and my wife. I was always there for my kids but my wife definitely took a back seat. I started to become angry with her for no reason other than i was mad that what i was going through was ACTUALLY HAPPENING. My life had been totally turned upside down by the MS. The meds i had to take were awful and only made me sick. My quality of life diminished so much and I took it out on her. Not good, I know. What's more is, she was always there for me during this period. Always had my back. From Aug of 2009 until 2012 I was very much struggling with my condition. It changed me. Besides my condition, our lives kinda kept the same course or pattern. Although over those years, we definitely disconnected emotionally from each other. Sex became...get in, get out. Boring. Nothing new. On top of all that, I feel I "pushed" my wife away. My bitterness and anger in my self.

I'm going to fly through some years now so as to not make this story 10 pages long. 

it started in 2013. She had just started a new job and not too long after began talking to a co-worker. I knew very little about it, but I also didn't feel the need to "dig" into it as I have always trusted her. She has NEVER given me a reason to not. We didn't have the greatest relationship at this time. A lot of fighting and hostility between the both of us. She began an EA with this guy that lasted about 6 months. From May to Nov of 2013. It was in person(at work) as well as texting. She literally would text him an average of about 5,000 texts pre month, until I caught her. She would sleep with her phone and, of course, I was denied access to everything. He consumed her life! After being caught, she broke it off with him. Unfortunately for me, I just rug swept it. We never really discussed it and I just tried to move on. I never did get over it and i realize that NOW. 

In 2015 she became pregnant again with our 3rd child. Rough pregnancy again but we made it! He was born in june of 2015. Married life was not going very well, but we persevered on, somehow. 

In Aug of 2016 I found a text between her and a female friend of hers that she was debating on whether or not to meet this same guy, from 2013, for lunch. That was on a Thurs. The next day, she informs me she's going to lunch with this particular female friend. She even took our youngest with her. I knew what she had sent to that particular friend, but I kept my mouth shut. After I confronted the friend about the lunch a few days later, just to see what she would say, she had no knowledge of it. So I confront my wife with the texts. She of course denies up and down that she met him. She says she was going too, but decided against it and her and my youngest just went to the store to kill time and then returned home. She told me she was done with him and had no intention of ever seeing him again. Rug sweep again. I'm so foolish but I loved her so much and couldn't bare the thought of my kids growing up in a broken home. 

Everything went quiet for a year and a half or so, until march of this year. I find an email notification on her phone from this same man. It says basically...so, I guess you're just not responding to me anymore???? I did a few min of digging and quickly found out she had a secret email address. I confront her about it and she denies still talking to him. Says she used it to buy my Christmas presents so I wouldn't know what she was getting me. We get into a fight and she, reluctantly, finally, confesses to me. I leave the house with the mindset of, this is it, I'm done. 

breakdown of the affair.....2013 meets this guy. He's charming and saying the right things to her. Things I quit doing. Showed her attention which I had quit doing. She begins the EA. Gets caught after some months and breaks it off with him. 2014 he reaches out to her again and she responds. In June and July 2014 they begin the EA again and then a PA, which she just confessed to me in march 2018. She says they only had sex 3 times. She said the guilt ate her alive and she just couldn't do it anymore. Breaks it off again and then is pregnant in nov. of 2014. He of course thinks it's his. He wouldn't leave her alone and until she had the baby and gave them a paternity test, he stated he was not going anywhere. 


She did this and it was proven to not be his. From this point on he won't leave her alone, so SHE says. No phone calls, but a lot of emails threatening to tell me everything if she doesn't "do what he wants". So she kept him on a very long leash to appease him and to keep everything hidden. Of course no lie goes unfounded. I find out about the lunch meet up in aug of 2016 and then nothing else until march of 2018. She says she stopped everything with him after the PA, but HE wouldn't let it go. She stated that she hasn't seen him since 2015 for the paternity test and not one time before that since SHE ended the PA. Then why want to meet him in 2016? and why the emails still as of march 2018?? 


She did allow me access to that email address and I read a brief part of a couple of the emails. Not stuff she wrote but stuff he wrote. As best i could tell she hadn't been emailing him, only him emailing her, but wth?!?! She has since erased everything and i have no way to read any of the other emails. She said she didn't want me to look at her in an even uglier light than I already do because of what she did. Meaning she didn't want me to read what she had written back to him. Now everything that i know is what SHE has told me. I have been able to find out very little on my own, even though I have tried. Tried very hard!!! So by her words, the affair was over in, call it, Aug of 2014 and only one in person contact for the paternity test and since that time only emails, which SHE says would be 1 email every 2-3 months. Just to satisfy him and to keep the affair secret still. 

I left the house for 3 weeks. I tried my best to 180 on her and for the most part I did and it worked. She knows the devastation she has caused. She knows how much it hurt me, now anyways, and she seems to be truly remorseful. She is as sick about it as I am. I feel she's finally being true to herself, and in turn is able to be true to me. It's been closer to 2 months since my DDay and things are getting better. I can't shake the feelings though. The movie in my head. The what if she does it again? The what if she lied about this or that? I feel she has but I have no way to prove otherwise. She has made leaps and bounds to bend over backwards for me and to be there to comfort and help me. She apologizes profusely and seems genuine in her apologies. She is constantly informing me of her whereabouts, changed her phone number, canceled email address(s), FB, etc. I have been with her for a long, long time and I can tell this has been a very sickening part of her life, for her. I can tell it has been eating at her for years. My question....am I being, again, a naïve, foolish man who is so blind by love that I can't see a life without her? Should I just call it quits? I strongly conveyed to her how close I am and willing I am to divorce. But I would like to try and work through the issues and hope to see a stronger, healthier marriage in the long road ahead. We have such a long history and such a unique bond with each other. I do feel this was truly a horrible mistake she made and I already see her doing everything she can to rectify the problem. If you made it through my long, drawn out story, I do thank you for reading it/listening to me and I hope it made sense. Any advice? Any words of comfort? Any criticisms? It took a lot for me to get the nerve to post my story, so try and be a little easy on me lol. I know how some will react to my story, as I've been reading on here daily. Be nice lol and thanks for any input. I feel my story has similarities to other stories here on TAM but is also unique in how it has played out and how long ago, supposedly, the EA/PA ended. For her i guess it's old news, but for me it just happened.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I'm so sorry you're having to face this crap and deal with it....on top of dealing with MS! Wishing you strength, my friend.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

I can't speak to what you should or shouldn't do, but I'll give you my feedback on how your post reads to me. You're understandably devastated and trying to work it all out, but in your heart you know you're staying. That's probably due to a mixture of love for her and your family, and a fear of starting a new life without her. I'll let others speak to all the steps you need to do going forward, but honestly I think you've made your decision.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

First thing. If other man is married inform his wife without warning. Do not tell her!!!!! She won't have a chance to warn him. Plus you'll know if they are still in contact. 

Have her write him a no contact letter. You send it. 

Her enabling friend is to be cut off permanently.

Make no mistake. Your wife is a liar. The affair never ended and it was a sexual affair from the start. An EA with contact is always a PA. Always!!!!! Just because you found out doesn't mean it stops. Rugsweeping normally gets you repeats as you've seen.

She's done a lot of scheming, lying and hiding her action for a long time. They don't just stop.

Rugsweep again you'll get the same results.

From your post you will stay in this. If you don't step up this time and take these steps you'll just wallow in it some more. Of course there's no guarantees either way. All you you can do is put your boundaries in place. Don't make threats you can't follow through on. It'll just make you look weaker.

Better wake up fully this time


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

She kind of makes herself sound like the victim of a stalker. I don’t really buy her version of events. She is probably minimising her part in it all.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

Have YOU seen a paternity test result?


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

F-A-F:

She must *believe* that you are more than willing to divorce over this. You have to put the fear of God in her. So....

1. You have to lawyer up. Find out your options. I wouldn't hide the fact that you are doing this.

2. Has she written a no contact letter, approved by you, to be sent to the other man?

3. If he continues trying to contact her, consider a Cease and Desist letter from your lawyer threatening legal action.

4. She needs write out a complete timeline, down to the last detail. This will be compared to a polygraph. 

5. Polygraph. The CIA & FBI use them. People say they can be deceived but that's by experts. You need total truth.

6. Post-Nuptial agreement.

7. STD tests for you and her. To set a tone if nothing else. She was willing risk your health, that was already unstable, for this affair.

8. Ask her to write an apology explaining how she could do this to not only you but your family. 

9. This needs to exposed to family. You need their support. She acts as if she is addicted. The floating of the idea of meeting this guy for lunch is very telling. Exposure usually drives a stake into the heart of an afffair.

10. Good luck my man, remember, you have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. She has to believe this. You must be willing to take any legal action against this "affair that wont die" or you *will* lose it.


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

Thanks to you all for the quick responses!! 
I do feel I've already decided to try and work on R. That's the problem though...man is it going to be a long hard road and what if she.....yeah. 

The OM is currently going through a divorce. I do feel his wife or stbxw needs to know, but I have no way to contact her. I tried. He is a truck driver and, so my wife tells me, is never in town. Since he and his wife filed for divorce he has moved out and is on the road all the time. He seems to not really have a permanent residence right now. Writing a letter would do no good. Where do I send it? I had contemplated on having her take out a TPO on him because, from how she states it, it does seem it could be slightly stalker-ish. 

That "friend" is already gone. One of the non-negotiables that I gave her. Along with a list of others. She has been very receptive and has done everything I have, so far, asked of her.

I do agree too.....she is minimalizing her role in the affair, hence why she didn't want me to read all the emails and deleted them before i could finish reading them.

I'm definitely not rug sweeping this time. While I want to try and work on R, I feel i will always have these doubts, thoughts, concerns, what if's, etc. Even yrs down the road. I can't imagine a D but I also can't live with how I feel now for the rest of my life and I worried that this feeling I have isn't gonna go away. I feel so stuck and lost. We've been married almost 10 yrs and I feel like she has spent half of our marriage with another man.

The kid is mine. I have no fear of that. He looks identical to my other 2 kids, 16 and 9. I mean a spitting image. We always joked how weird is it that our kids look so much a like. Its uncanny

I can't afford a polygraph, although I would definitely make her take one if I could. I have got timelines from her and they all jive with what I know, what I've found out through my own "detective" work, and what , lol, she has told me. Hard to believe her, really hard, but things do add up as they should. That's why, for the first time in a LONG time, I feel she's finally being honest and wanting to put this behind HER. Me getting past it is another story, hence why I here. 

Std test has been done. clean. 

Family, both sides, know what she did. She has been fully exposed to her friends and co-workers. She's living in misery, as she should. She's very embarrassed and ashamed of her actions. She has had a couple friends turn their backs to her. They can't believe she did what she did.

We have started individual counseling as well. Soon to be couples counseling.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

You have done well with exposure. I think you should definitely get in touch with the other man’s wife. You can compare notes with her. He might be getting divorced but that has to be verified.

Trickle truth is like death by a thousand cuts. It is far better to hear the whole story in one go. Some people are not capable of being totally honest because they want to protect their image. Try explaining this to her. The threat of a polygraph might nudge loose some more truths.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

Sorry your here, sorry you have been dealt such a hand regarding your health.

Please don't believe for minute she had sex with him 3 times. 1 time would have been enough for me, but these odd numbers te d to bug me as they screem Liesssss!

Good luck

S1

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

FarAwayFuture said:


> Thanks to you all for the quick responses!!
> I do feel I've already decided to try and work on R. That's the problem though...man is it going to be a long hard road and what if she.....yeah.
> 
> The OM is currently going through a divorce. I do feel his wife or stbxw needs to know, but I have no way to contact her. I tried. He is a truck driver and, so my wife tells me, is never in town. Since he and his wife filed for divorce he has moved out and is on the road all the time. He seems to not really have a permanent residence right now. Writing a letter would do no good. Where do I send it? I had contemplated on having her take out a TPO on him because, from how she states it, it does seem it could be slightly stalker-ish.
> ...


How did you find the OM is getting divorce or just about any other details about this pos?

I would sitll do my own parental test to set the tone.



Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

FarAwayFuture said:


> Hello all. I have been reading on this site for about 7 weeks now, ever since my DDay. I have been hesitant to post my predicament but after weeks of reading posts and threads, i decided I would like some opinions from the folks here on TAM.
> 
> Our lives in a nutshell....met each other at 15 yrs old (she is now 38 and i'm 37). We were best friends. Never one without the other. We grew out of our teens together and became "exclusive" at the age of 20, 21 for her. We had our first child when i was 21, she was 22. Very young I know. We had issues back then...not getting along, arguments, pressures of life, raising a child at such a very young age, etc. We made it through the thick of it and life got to be good. We loved each other and got along, at this time, for the most part. Our sex life was good and we really only dealt with normal life issues. Nothing that the two of us together couldn't get through.
> 
> ...


*My responses to your comment in bold. *

*5,000 texts pre month *- It was a 50/50 affair. Forget the picture she's painting of him pursuing her.

*Rug sweep again.* - Good that you can see how much of an enabler you were. Not a criticism, but a self observation that you will need to remember moving forward. 

*Kids growing up in a broken home *- There are two types of broken homes. One where the spouses are separate. Two, where the spouses are under one roof, but there's no love, trust or harmony. Kids seeing a successful marriage is very, very important. The success may not be from there biological mom or dad being together. It may come in a new relationship. 

*Says she used it to buy my Christmas presents so I wouldn't know what she was getting me -* Good gosh. If she responded to this with mere seconds to respond, then she's one smart woman. That's as slick and good of a lie that I've heard where a person thought it up in seconds that I've ever heard. It's so good and impressive of a lie that I think she may have predetermined what her answer would be if caught. If she thought it up on the fly, then you have a real problem in that her ability to think on her feet, lie, conceal and operate clandestine behaviors is advanced, which I'm led to believe anyway considering how long she's deceived and lived a double life. Your number one rule moving forward is you can never believe her. Ever. 

*He of course thinks it's his. He wouldn't leave her alone and until she had the baby and gave them a paternity test, he stated he was not going anywhere -* They had LOTS of sex. LOTS... So much, he imagined the child as as likely to be his as yours. Hate to say it but this is as low and disrespectful of the marriage as is possible. F'ng unprotected while with you and conceiving a child. Russian roulette at the highest order. She was into him big time for this to be a possibility. She was in love. 

*Not stuff she wrote but stuff he wrote -* Her professing love for him in in her entries. She knows what's in her emails will dispel everything she's told you. In doing so she's still unsafe as transparency isn't her objective and without that truth can't be achieved. Until she's able to reveal everything regardless how bad it shines upon her, you will be in false reconciliation, which is no reconciliation. 

*She has since erased everything and i have no way to read any of the other emails. She said she didn't want me to look at her in an even uglier light than I already do because of what she did. Meaning she didn't want me to read what she had written back to him. Now everything that i know is what SHE has told me.* - See above. Man up and take control. Tell HER what YOU need to stay married and have find the tools to retrieve lost and erased data. You can't reconcile until you know the truth. Until you know the truth, you don't know who she is, hence you cannot reconcile with someone you don't know. She's not the person you thought you knew. I know it's the biggest con job you've ever been associated with, but you have to see it for what it is. Don't allow sex and her regretful statements and other feel good stuff dissuade you from doing what you have to do for yourself and your children. Your wife poses a very serious threat to you and your family. 

*SHE says would be 1 email every 2-3 months* - She's was keeping it alive to ensure she always had him in her life. You've shared a wife for years unknowingly. She had/has two love commitments. You and him. 1a and 1b. 

*She knows the devastation she has caused. She knows how much it hurt me, now anyways, and she seems to be truly remorseful.* *She is as sick about it as I am.* - First of all, no she's not as sick about it as you are. Second, to prove this, she's not devastated, hurt, remorseful or sick enough to be 100% transparent. The proof is in the pudding. Only her hard to do ACTIONS can speak to her remorse. I'll tell you when you are on track. When she purchases software or hires a forensic technician to capture lost and deleted content to give to you, knowing the content will expose her for the person she is and will be hurtful and damaging to you and your marriage. When she can do what she doesn't want to do, but will do it because it's the right thing, then you TRULY have something you can say is worthy of reconciling *consideration*. 

*I do feel this was truly a horrible mistake she made and I already see her doing everything she can to rectify the problem -* You admitted to rugsweeping and this statement confirms you're minimizing. You're a cheater's dream. This isn't a mistake. It's a long-term, premeditated series of decisions intended to conceal her efforts to maintain a double life and sustain a long term affair. Period. This is the culmination of thousands of decisions. Just the decision to repeatedly have unprotected sex with another man is a crime deserving of 20 years in prison if infidelity was ever found to be illegal. She risked having a baby by another man. That's a decision. Think on that a second.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If your wife told you they were getting a divorce that could very well be a cover up to protect him. 

Happens all the time


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP,

You are doing well in dealing with this so far....

Only one initial box left to check.....make sure you let this POSOM’s BW know what he has been up to.....

Give him some headaches of his own to deal with rather than trying to keep contacting your WW......

As far as the whole truth?

I agree with other posters, and am glad to see that you see it the same.....you probably do not have anywhere close to the full truth.

Unfortunately, finding out that truth is going to be difficult since she swiftly moved to erase her trail after you busted her.

Demand your WW write out a complete timeline of the A from first meeting this POS to DDay.....then check it against your memory and records that you KNOW are accurate to see if there are inconsistent dates or details in what she has written.

Save up for a poly if you can where one question is if the timeline she gave you is accurate and complete.

One last word of caution.....

In your first post, you mentioned at the end how though you see similarities, you feel in some ways you situation is unique.

Well....evryone’s Situation will always have unique details because people, marriages, and living situations will always be individual....

That said.....read enough threads here and you will see that there IS a Cheater’s Script of behaviors and attitudes that the majority of these traitors follow.....

What that means for you IMO is this....

As you are sharing info and getting feedback from the veterans here at TAM.....if you read most posters issuing you warnings and specific advice (such as has happened so far with most people telling you that you do not have the full story yet)......pay attention to it!

I would advise you NOT to blow it off because you feel your WW is different, or the A or your M is unique.....

That many posters, veterans who have been through this already and read hundreds or thousands of other threads, telling you something is definitely a sign you should take serious notice of their warnings.

Best of luck.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She’s lying. Cheaters lie. 

They only had sex 3 times? 

Uh huh....

Tell her until she starts telling you the truth and showing true transparency the marriage is over. 

Trust nothing she says. Watch what she does. Verify everything.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation.

If you are moving forward in R, then you know what a uphill climb that will be.

One thing for sure is you need 100% openness from your wife with everything. No more hiding phone, email, schedule, etc. 

You know what signs to look for and at the first sign of red flags, I would not bother with trying to find out more, just be done with her.

Good job on the exposure so far. 

I would also double check the OM divorce situation and see if your wife is telling the truth. Not sure how you will find out but I'm sure you can.

Good luck.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

FarAwayFuture said:


> Thanks to you all for the quick responses!!
> I do feel I've already decided to try and work on R. That's the problem though...man is it going to be a long hard road and what if she.....yeah.
> 
> The OM is currently going through a divorce. I do feel his wife or stbxw needs to know, but I have no way to contact her. I tried. He is a truck driver and, so my wife tells me, is never in town. Since he and his wife filed for divorce he has moved out and is on the road all the time. He seems to not really have a permanent residence right now. Writing a letter would do no good. Where do I send it? I had contemplated on having her take out a TPO on him because, from how she states it, it does seem it could be slightly stalker-ish.
> ...


Why can't you afford a poly? That is the best money you could spend...

Along with what Marc and others said, understand this: 

There is more about the affair that you don't know than what you think you know. 

She is still lying to you, all the victim stuff that she laid out is total and complete crap. She was willing and able, and you believing her make you a fool, bottom line.

This guy getting a divorce means that you need to hire a PI to find his wife so that she can be informed. And if she can screw over the OM in the divorce good. 

You wife had what appears to have been a 4 -6 year affair. All of this stuff about the start and stop is total BS in every way. 

And if you HAVE NOT SEEN THE DNA RESULTS you have no idea if that child is yours. 

You think you are not rug sweeping but everything that this post shows that in some ways you are. 

And what if she is protecting him by not helping you find the wife? What if she is waiting for his divorce to finish so she can leave you? 

You have a lot of "truth" that you have excepted that you really have zero idea if any of it is true. 

You need to sit down and think about this. 

And why do you want to still be with her? Are you scared that with the MS you won't survive with out her? 

It is time to really wake up here...


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

She deleted all the emails because she didn't want you to see the ugliness.

That's the same reason she's lying about the "3 times" sex. I don't know if it matters much whether it was 3 times or 30 times or 300 times. I think the still lying does matter. And really, she can't be believed yet, even if she did give you some info. She also destroyed the evidence that could back up her assertions. All things considered, I'd have to think she was lying. It was a 5-year affair, she supposedly had sex 3 times? You know what cheaters do sometimes? They get a little crafty - are you sure it was only 3 times over the whole 5 years? Or it was only 3 times since it was re-instituted since 2016?

You don't lay out your evidence that you uncovered, but based on the facts, it seems odd. A trucker who travels a lot, supposedly can have women in many cities, and yet is so obsessed with your wife? Over only 3 times? It theoretically could be true, but I guess so is Bigfoot or Aliens. I sure would like to see one.

I think you've done a lot to kill the affair.

Your story is not that unique because the affair seemed to be over. I consider that the secrecy was still in place, the passwords were still in place, and she still was in contact with him on a regular basis, so the affair was still ongoing. But I do think the unique part of your story is the sacrifice your wife made to you throughout your marriage. If you read a lot of these threads, you get the sense that the cheating wife always had some attention-seeking issues, selfishness, entitlement. But your wife seemed very selfless for a long time, especially through your extremely bad health. Not that her sacrifice makes the affair OK, but I do believe past loyalty means something.

From what you describe, she has taken very good actions, not just words, and she seems remorseful. Which also is unusual, especially the first few weeks or months after first being caught. I think your strong decisive actions saved you a ton of grief. I really think you have done a tremendous job so far. I would say either you are naturally emotionally strong or you are a fast learner from reading here for 7 weeks. But you've done a whole lot right.

What specifically are you asking about regarding going forward?

It was a 5-year affair. That's a long time. You caught her but that didn't scare her from ending it with him. So this is pretty egregious. 

The other man knew more about your real life than you did for five years. I suspect you are in a temporary "grateful" place, like you were in a bad accident and you've been hurt badly, but you're feeling grateful to be alive.

Does it matter to you that she very, very likely is lying about the 3 times? I suggest asking her to save up for a polygraph. Let it be a long-term project. How much does a poly cost? $700 maybe? Put a big jar in a closet somewhere, and ask her to put $2 in every day. In a year she can take the polygraph. 

Listen, poly is a tool to get the truth. I think every reconciliation starts with the truth. Otherwise, I think you are in a good position to try to reconcile.

I think your toughest job is your mind. It will take forever to feel OK. Years. This is how it works: you will feel like this for a long time. She will have to be trustworthy in her actions and words. Over time, when she does this consistently, and has no relapses of lying or secrecy, you will begin to trust again. It will never come back to where it was before. Your marriage could be better communication-wise, sex-wise, connection-wise, but there always will be that scar that will flare every so often.

While you are reconciling, there will be times when you find something alarming that you think she is up to something, or she has done something you specifically asked her not to, and you will blow up, and you will find out it was a misunderstanding, she didn't really do it, a false alarm. If she takes that in stride and understands your emotions, you will move forward.

I suggest not monitoring her too much for your own peace of mind. Do so now if you feel better. But consider that it might make you feel a certain funny way about it, that you have to guard your wife's messages or else she might start cheating again. You might start feeling that you have to keep up with on top of her or else she might cheat. It's no way to live. I don't think it helps you with self-esteem or self-respect. She should always be transparent and she should be staying in front of making sure you are happy with her transparency, not the other way around. If she wants to cheat, she will even with your monitoring. But now that you are no longer blindly trusting her and you are not rug-sweeping, you will catch it much more easily if she does.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Also, if you think your wife doesn't know where other man's wife is, or even other man is, I think she is lying about that. Ask her to give you the info. Really, truthfulness is the foundation of moving forward. You can't build without that foundation of truth. 3 times and doesn't have a clue to reach other man or other man's wife rings very false.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

stro said:


> Have YOU seen a paternity test result?


Better go and get your own paternity test done. For why did WW have to 
bring the youngest child to meet the OM if it was not his?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@FarAwayFuture Firstly, let me say that I'm sorry you had to seek us out, but I am glad you found us.

Get tested for STDs. Also, DNA tests for the children. Not to prove parentage but to show her how badly she has damaged your trust in her.

If OM is married, his spouse needs to know what he did.

Arrange a polygraph for your wife. The likelihood of a "parking lot" confession is very real.

What do you want? Divorce or reconciliation? To facilitate either counselling is a good option.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

5000 texts a month = 166 a day

166 a day = 10 per waking hour

10/waking hour = 1 text every 6 minutes. 

They were writing each other every 6 minutes. Exchanging I love you's every 6 minutes. For 6 months.

And they were only an hour and a half apart. 

And he was a truck driver.

And they only boinked 3 times.

I would say they boinked 3 times a week.

3 times a week x 24 weeks = 72 boinks.

That's why he thought the baby was his.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I have been the caregiver for my wife who was diagnosed with MS over 20 years ago. We have raised our 4 children (youngest is D23), and managed several work related moves while navigating the illness. I will say that reading here on TAM opened my eyes, and helped saved my marriage. 

Some of the advice may seem counter-intuitive but infidelity is unlike any other problem in a marriage. You have already done well and seen that for yourself.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. 

Feel free to Pm me, I would be glad to be a sounding board if you need one.

I really wish you well,Take care!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Have your wife inform the OBS. 

Your wife made a choice not a mistake. She did what she did willingly. Never treat it as a mistake. 

If you can get past this then work it out. 

If you can’t get past the fact that your wife cheated. Then separate and divorce.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

oldtruck said:


> Better go and get your own paternity test done. For why did WW have to
> bring the youngest child to meet the OM if it was not his?


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

A Wayward Wife tells Betrayed Husbands how to snap their wives out of it.


If my H had discovered my A 25 years ago while I was still in the fog what should he have done?

1.Say from a position of strength-I am not interested in sharing my wife. He can have you. I'm filing for a separation.

2.Let me know that he was going to DNA the kids, get tested for STD's to show just how much I had destroyed his trust-and how disgusted he was with me

3.Serve me with separation papers.

4.Go on a vacation and dont tell me where or with whom.

5.or/and as part of the 180 make sure there is a possibility I could suspect he was seeing someone else.

This would have shocked me out of my fog, let me see exactly the impact my actions and selfishness have had and experience the consequences for them, allow me to feel what its like to not have your cake, there is no better way to understand the devastation an A has than to experience what it feels like to even suspect your spouse is having one. I know this from experience.

Hindsight is 20/20 and of course I dont really know what would have happened if he'd done that but I suspect it would have forced a come to jesus moment....(to borrow @arbitrators words) Your wife will either be devastated and feel like she has lost her world prompting proper remorse (I think likely) or she could see this as her exit affair and not fight you on it and continue with the guy (it will never work out-he is only providing something your not- you have been providing all the rest)

Sorry so long, very sorry if I triggered anyone, I was trying to let you see things from another side- there is still hope, there are things you can do (also get yourself in IC asap) This experience is similar to having PTSD- you will need support


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

If you don't have an attorney, get one fast. She is a bag of lies!


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## DjDjani (Feb 10, 2018)

DNA the kids, POLYGRAF the wife. Make the money, loan it if nessesery.


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

I found out he was getting a divorce from him actually. I emailed him for some questions a couple days after my DDay.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

Do not take his word or your wife’s word. Contact his wife and verify everything. He might just be saying that so you don’t blow up his world. 

The polygraph would be money well spent. It will be difficult for you to get to the real truth without it.


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

So here's an update....I told the wife last night we had to talk. I told her this is where I am....I feel some weeks back when I gave her the opportunity to confess everything and be 100% truthful, she was not. I told her I feel now that that time has passed and she wasn't truthful then that now she feels she can't be because it would be just another lie after she said she WAS being 100% truthful. 

I told her I also had set up a polygraph test for her to take on may 9 and if she wasn't truthful 100% NOW, that it would just come out in the poly and then that would officially be the end of us and any thought to R. If she had that little respect for me, that she couldn't be truthful 100% NOW, that she would never be.

I told her I have 3 questions for her and that I would leave the room and return in 30 min and if she had anything else to tell me, NOW IS THE TIME!

30 min later I returned and man oh man did that threat of the poly work!! She crumbled. 

The 3 questions....

1. How many times did the two of you have sex and when was the last sexual encounter?

2. How close to a 50/50 chance was it that our third child was not going to be mine?

3. When did you officially end the relationship and when was the last time you had contact with him?

Her answers...

1. The 3 times went up to 10-15. She says she can't remember but no more than that. She said the last sexual encounter was in Aug 2014. Their PA lasted about 3 months until Aug when she ended it. She said she knew how wrong it was and the guilt was eating her alive. 

2. She said she ended the PA in Aug 2014 and became pregnant in Nov 2014. She said she was 100 % sure the child was mine and on top of that she said they NEVER had unprotected sex. Hard to believe, but maybe. I reminded her the polygraph will tell. She says he was adamant that their could be a chance the child could be his, condoms aren't always 100% effective, hence why he wanted the paternity test done. She says, even though she knew 100% the child wasn't his, if she didn't go through with the test he would spill the beans to me. ok, yeah , maybe, but.....

3. She says the relationship officially ended in Aug 2014. From then until the birth of our child in June 2015, there was minimal contact. Mainly him emailing her to see how she was doing and if she needed anything. Of course she would reply back, I'm no fool. After the birth of our child and the paternity test, she said contact became 1-2 emails every few months. That went from June 2015 until middle of 2016 when contact basically stopped. From middle-ish of 2016 until end of 2017 she said they only shared an email every few months and it was nothing more then hey how are you? The last time she said she reached out to him was Christmas 2017 when she emailed him merry Christmas...wtf, I know!! She said that's all there was to it and has been done since...until March 2018 when he emailed her the....hey, so I guess you're just not responding to me anymore?... email that I found. 

After she told me these things, she looked me dead in the eye and said....NOW, I'm ready for the polygraph.

I feel she has nothing left to hide. She's lost everything. She knows that I will leave and our kids will suffer greatly from us not being together anymore. It seems not much changed from the original story she told me several weeks back except how many times they has sex. She said she didn't want to tell me the real number because she thought if it was a low number, it wouldn't hurt me as much lololololol. WOW!!

I have decided to get an actual polygraph test done asap. I guess it will have to go on a credit card, but that is ok if it brings me some peace of mind and reassures the answers she gave me were in fact, finally truths. I don't know where I'm going from here. I'm so lost and sad and depressed. I feel like my whole world has been torn from under me and even when we tried to get the honesty out and start building a "new foundation" weeks ago, she still lied....to my face!! 

I hurt...a lot. I cried myself to sleep last night and have been crying all day today. I can't stop. 

Thanks to everyone for their replies, concerns, thoughts , comforting words, etc. It is very much appreciated!!!!!!!! I have learned so much from this website and have implemented the things I've learned and they have helped me well!! Now comes the really hard part....what do i do now?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

oldtruck said:


> Better go and get your own paternity test done. For why did WW have to
> bring the youngest child to meet the OM if it was not his?


Do this!

Even if the child is yours this will show her the damage, doubt, and disillusionment she has sown into your life, marriage, and relationship.

Trust me she will take it to heart!


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

I told her last night that we would get a paternity test done for me. If for nothing more than the exact words you said....It will bring home to your wife, yet again, the doubt, damage, and disillusionment she has sown into, your life, marriage, and relationship. I know the child is mine but now she has no option. Hell she did it for him, she can do it for me!!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

You are doing the right things.

You will go through a grieving process similar to the death of a loved one.


See this link for more, maybe google it some more if you can.

https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

These stages are not linear, you go through them, jump back and forth, all as your brain processes the pain.

It takes time for your coginative and emotional center to process it. Give yourself time, try to take the high road whenever you can. You will have less regret at the end. Be good to yourself.

And communicate, communtcate, communicate. Don't be ashamed to let her know how you feel. Look he in the eyes and be as kind as you can.

It will take time, you will get through it, and be stronger for it.

If she is remorseful there will come a time when you will be concerned for her mental health. Even your kindness will hurt.

Take care.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

FarAwayFuture said:


> I found out he was getting a divorce from him actually. I emailed him for some questions a couple days after my DDay.


Why would you suspect that the guy that is screwing your wife would do you any favors or tell you the truth in any way?

Read that sentence again please... and I ask you again, why would you believe for him EVER?

Are you really ready to accept nothing but lies from you wife, based on everything she has told you is a complete and total lie. 

And did you ever ask yourself how your wife met a truck driver? I mean how did that happen? Did he hall for her company, tinder, Craig's list, how exactly? 

Further, you NEED TO FIND HIS WIFE, and tell her what is going on. Not to stop the affair, but to give him something else to think about besides his wife. 

By lying to you about his wife, you wife is PROTECTING her lover, not you.

Even if he is getting a divorce, do you think his wife has the right to understand what she is dealing with. Further, it gives her some ammunition to use against him, further helping to keep him away from your wife. 

How exactly can you be so gullible about all of this. Everyone here that has any life experience could tell from your first post that you were being foolish about this whole situation. 

Why would you put yourself through that. It seems to me that you would be far better off alone than with a lying cheating wife that probably had HIS child and lied to you about it. If it is your child, it is a miracle. And yet you willingly take her back with no consequences of any kind? 

What is going on in your head? How can you accept this in any way?

I and many here are begging you officially to wake the **** up...


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Why would you suspect that the guy that is screwing your wife would do you any favors or tell you the truth in any way?
> 
> Read that sentence again please... and I ask you again, why would you believe for him EVER?
> 
> ...



I'm not saying the OM told me the truth. It's just what he told me. I couldn't care less if it's true or not. 

Yes my wife has done nothing but lie and I accepted it at first because of the dire situation. I knew she knew how important this was and really believed she would be truthful. I know now that I was a fool and I have yet again been hurt by her and her lies.

She met this man shortly after starting her new job in 2013. She worked at a temp agency and he had no job so would come in to get odd ball jobs from day to day. A day laborer kind of thing. He became a truck driver some months later. He would come in to get a job for the day, but it slowly turned into him just being there to be with her, the EA as she called it. He was there for her when i was not, so she says. He said all the right things i guess.

I wish I knew how to contact his wife. Any suggestions would be great. I've done what I feel I could to find her but to no avail.

I do feel his wife needs to know everything and I would love to compare notes with her, but again I don't know how to get in contact with her. Everything I have been able to find was a dead end. I would LOVE and I mean LOVE to inform her. It would bring a bit of peace into my life. I feel the OM has gotten away scott free.

I don't feel I'm being gullible. I feel I trusted the woman I love so much I was blind to see what was right in front of me. A mistake I have very much learned from going forward. 

Again, it's not his child!! If I were to send you pics of my 3 kids, you would see there is nothing for me to worry about. It's my child, hands down. I only use it against her now so she can see what she has done to me and my trust and my thinking process. She has hurt me beyond words. I feel the paternity test for me will only strengthen what I am conveying to her.

And i'm not willing to just take her back without consequences. She has lost me. Maybe not forever, but for the foreseeable future. She has lost her kids and her home life. She will be living with her mom starting next week. She won't see her kids or me and she has been kicked out of our home. I also will be seeing a lawyer asap to draw up divorce papers. Will I go through with it? Time will tell, but she will be served and will know that I gave her a second chance and she blew it. She loses. Now she will live for the foreseeable future with the understanding that I gave her a shot to be honest, she blew it, and now she is faced with the divorce.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

The paternity test isn't to determine who the kid belongs to. The kid belongs to you even if its his DNA. It's to show her you don't believe a word that she says.

Have you tried a Spokeo search for his wife? It'll cost like ten bucks but is usually pretty good.


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

eric1 said:


> The paternity test isn't to determine who the kid belongs to. The kid belongs to you even if its his DNA. It's to show her you don't believe a word that she says.
> 
> Have you tried a Spokeo search for his wife? It'll cost like ten bucks but is usually pretty good.


You are so correct...even if it was his DNA, the kid is mine. I haven't tried Spokeo but I will definitely look into it. Thanks!!


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

FarAwayFuture said:


> I found out he was getting a divorce from him actually. I emailed him for some questions a couple days after my DDay.


Who cares what he said? He is a liar. At best you have a 50-50 chance anything he says is true.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

FarAwayFuture said:


> I haven't tried Spokeo but I will definitely look into it. Thanks!!


Just ask your wife. Your wife knows OM's wife's name and how to contact. OM's wife was the competition. Your wife checked out OM's wife thoroughly.



FarAwayFuture said:


> She met this man shortly after starting her new job in 2013. She worked at a temp agency and he had no job so would come in to get odd ball jobs from day to day. A day laborer kind of thing. He became a truck driver some months later. He would come in to get a job for the day, but *it slowly turned into him just being there to be with her, the EA as she called it. He was there for her when i was not,* so she says. He said all the right things i guess.


So basically he was a drifter. Now we know why she only thought about being with him full time only in passing and rejected the idea. If he was wealthy, your wife would have left your already.

So if you want to keep your wife happy, all you have to do is quit your job and hang around her all day and tell her how hot her butt is.

Look, this situation is going bad to worse. The only bright side is that your wife was being a good wife since then (well except for keeping secrets about screwing the day-laborer "10-15 times, no more than that). Also, the 10-15 now seems really, really low. What else did that guy have to do all day? In five years, only 15 times? You buying the last sex in August 2014? I guess your wife might have some more "remembering" between now and the polygraph.

Your wife is a liar. You might as well not listen to her words at all for a while until she says a few things that you can actually make sure she is telling the truth. Maybe ask her stuff like "what is the weather?" and see if you at least get some truth out of that.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Unless your child was a born early, correct me if I’m wrong. Your wife became pregnant around 09/14 that would be a due date of 6/07. This would explain why the OM thought the baby could have been his. This could also move their last time together into September.

Use any due date calculator.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

FarAwayFuture said:


> You are so correct...even if it was his DNA, the kid is mine. I haven't tried Spokeo but I will definitely look into it. Thanks!!


But if your child has the OM DNA, it gives him visitation rights. 

This has happened.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

I am so sorry for you. 

Her level of betrayal is among the highest I have ever read about here.

I’m also sorry to tell you this, but I think you are in for a lot worse news and “truths”

My advice to you.... imagine the absolute worse! Because I fear it is going to approach that level.

Then, no matter what you decide to do, whether D or R, you need to kick her back into reality. Make sure her family knows everything you know, and update them when you are told new truths. I would then copy your first entry here and paste on Facebook page. 

Put it on facebook for 2 reasons. First, you must NEVER let her give some sob story to her friends in order gain their support and make you put to be some monster. And second, you need to get her friends to help her see just what she has done. Right now, contrary to what you believe, she still looks back on the affair as something wonderful and the most romantic thing that ever took place in her life!

And finally, FILE FOR DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY!!!! You need to show her that she is no longer in control of anything. YOU are now in total control, and you and ONLY you will decide what will happen next


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Have you gone to the doctor to check for STDs?? 

If not, call for an appointment first thing tomorrow. And if she is there, make sure you tell the doctor’s office why you need to come in. “My whorish wife has admitted to ****ing at least low life scumbag. I need to make sure she didn’t infect me with any disease that was passed along to her!”

This is no time for half-hearted measures! You need to be bold and to make sure she understands what she has done


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

FarAwayFuture said:


> 2. She said she ended the PA in Aug 2014 and became pregnant in Nov 2014. She said she was 100 % sure the child was mine
> 
> 3. She says the relationship officially ended in Aug 2014. From then until the birth of our child in June 2015, there was minimal contact.






ABHale said:


> Unless your child was a born early, correct me if I’m wrong. Your wife became pregnant around 09/14 that would be a due date of 6/07. This would explain why the OM thought the baby could have been his. This could also move their last time together into September.
> 
> Use any due date calculator.


I can see AB's point, this does not seem to add up.

Are we missing something?

Was it because of a difficult pregnancy that perhaps your child was delivered early by c-section?


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Another example of the amount of sex had with affair partner being absolotely minimised. Betrayed Husband was told 3 time where real number was 4 times that amount. Definately DNA the third child. You cannot trust anything she says.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

FarAwayFuture ...........really, really nice job. I don't think it's 10-15 hook-ups, but so what? That's more than enough. You went from being clueless to being clued-in, within 2-3 days. Your processing and acceptance of the reality and seriousness of her indiscretions was significantly faster than most, hence your recovery will happen faster. You did yourself a huge favor. Not only did you limit the exposure of you and your kids from her infidelity, but hopefully, never lost your self respect and dignity. With infidelity, men are humiliated after finding out and then further humiliated after realizing the affair continued after initial discovery, causing further suffering and loss of self and dignity. 

For those who are numbed by the experience and unable to think clearly, they're often unable to impose real consequences because they're afraid of losing what's already been lost. That's a lot of damn hurt to absorb, and sadly many do. Just can't credit you enough here. Awesome courage and decisiveness on your part. Lastly, of everything you were able to extract from her, perhaps the most telling and damning thing she did ironically, was the 2017 merry xmas email. Very, very telling that despite all of the wrong that she admitted to, HE of all people was on her mind on F'n CHRISTMAS DAY!!!!!!!!! C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S D-A-Y. Family, loving children, toys, husband, Christmas dinner, goodwill .........and then she thinks of the F'n AP. Something is horribly wrong with that picture.


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

Decorum said:


> I can see AB's point, this does not seem to add up.
> 
> Are we missing something?
> 
> Was it because of a difficult pregnancy that perhaps your child was delivered early by c-section?



Yes it was. I should have stated that I guess. Pregnancy has never agreed with her body. She became preeclamptic with all 3 of our children. Our first child was rough but she made it through decently well, considering. Our second almost killed her, literally, as well as the child she had in her- our daughter. She was born at 6 months old and spent two months in the NICU. Our third child was born more than a month early. She found out she was pregnant end of oct. begin of nov 2014 (hard to remember exactly but around this time) and gave birth june 19 2015 by way of C-section. She literally spent a full month in the hospital on constant supervision because her eclampsia was so bad. While I was working full time, taking care of our other two kids...homework, dinner, cleaning house, showers, bedtime, wake early for school, repeat, repeat, repeat for a solid month......


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

colingrant said:


> FarAwayFuture ...........really, really nice job. I don't think it's 10-15 hook-ups, but so what? That's more than enough. You went from being clueless to being clued-in, within 2-3 days. Your processing and acceptance of the reality and seriousness of her indiscretions was significantly faster than most, hence your recovery will happen faster. You did yourself a huge favor. Not only did you limit the exposure of you and your kids from her infidelity, but hopefully, never lost your self respect and dignity. With infidelity, men are humiliated after finding out and then further humiliated after realizing the affair continued after initial discovery, causing further suffering and loss of self and dignity. For those who are numbed by the experience and unable to think clearly, they're often unable to impose real consequences because they're afraid of losing what's already been lost. That's a lot of damn hurt to absorb, and sadly many do.
> 
> Just can't credit you enough here. Awesome courage and decisiveness on your part. Lastly, of everything you were able to extract from her, perhaps the most telling and damning thing she did ironically, was the 2017 merry xmas email. Very, very telling that despite all of the wrong that she admitted to, HE of all people was on her mind on F'n CHRISTMAS DAY!!!!!!!!! C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S D-A-Y. Family, loving children, toys, husband, Christmas dinner, goodwill .........and then she thinks of the F'n AP. Something is horribly wrong with that picture.


I'm not worried about the number of times anymore. Once was enough. But it's the lying and how easily she was able to do it. I have lost a lot of self respect and dignity unfortunately. I am numb. I have cried so much that I can't even cry anymore. Time....

The Christmas thing and how you worded....exactly what I was thinking! On Christmas, she had him on her mind.......


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

FarAwayFuture said:


> I'm not worried about the number of times anymore. Once was enough. But it's the lying and how easily she was able to do it. I have lost a lot of self respect and dignity unfortunately. I am numb. I have cried so much that I can't even cry anymore. Time....
> 
> The Christmas thing and how you worded....exactly what I was thinking! On Christmas, she had him on her mind.......


I hope you pointed that out to her to show her just how hurtful her actions are.

You might want to keep a private journal of your thoughts and reactions to your discoveries of her infidelities. That way, you can remind yourself of just what she has done in case she tries to "gaslight" you or fast-talk you into some sort of reconciliation (using the kids as leverage, most likely). Then you can have clear in your mind exactly WHY reconciliation is not an option.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

FarAwayFuture said:


> I'm not worried about the number of times anymore. Once was enough. But it's the lying and how easily she was able to do it. I have lost a lot of self respect and dignity unfortunately. I am numb. I have cried so much that I can't even cry anymore. Time....
> 
> The Christmas thing and how you worded....exactly what I was thinking! On Christmas, she had him on her mind.......


You can't see it or feel it now, but in time you'll see that you have no reason to feel less about yourself or losing your dignity. Anyone can get cheated on. U.S. Presidents have. Billionaires, pastors, your neighbors, cops, professional athletes, teachers, Russians, Canadians, Americans,.... You get the picture. Those who haven't had it happen to them are merely lucky, not necessarily good. You just happened to be unlucky. 

Stand by *your *response, not by *her *actions which does not reflect upon you whatsoever. Your self-respect and dignity should come from the strength and conviction of your response. You probably haven't had time, but when you do, read up on a few stories on here and other similar sites and you'll see what I'm talking about where guys are literally being punched in the gut and pitied, only to plead for a 2nd chance with their cheating wives and THEY'RE THE VICTIMS!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

colingrant said:


> You can't see it or feel it now, but in time you'll see that you have no reason to feel less about yourself or losing your dignity. Anyone can get cheated on. U.S. Presidents have. Billionaires, pastors, your neighbors, cops, professional athletes, teachers, Russians, Canadians, Americans,.... You get the picture. Those who haven't had it happen to them are merely lucky, not necessarily good. You just happened to be unlucky.
> 
> Stand by *your *response, not by *her *actions which does not reflect upon you whatsoever. Your self-respect and dignity should come from the strength and conviction of your response. You probably haven't had time, but when you do, read up on a few stories on here and other similar sites and you'll see what I'm talking about where guys are literally being punched in the gut and pitied, only to plead for a 2nd chance with their cheating wives and THEY'RE THE VICTIMS!!!!!!!!!!!!


Thank you for that!! I'm constantly reading on TAM and other sites. It has helped me so much. I also sincerely appreciate the replies that I have received! Just knowing that someone out there is reading my story and cares to actually give input is comforting. I know I'm not the only one this has happened too and far from the last.....unfortunately.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

FarAwayFuture said:


> Yes it was. I should have stated that I guess. Pregnancy has never agreed with her body. She became preeclamptic with all 3 of our children. Our first child was rough but she made it through decently well, considering. Our second almost killed her, literally, as well as the child she had in her- our daughter. She was born at 6 months old and spent two months in the NICU. Our third child was born more than a month early. She found out she was pregnant end of oct. begin of nov 2014 (hard to remember exactly but around this time) and gave birth june 19 2015 by way of C-section. She literally spent a full month in the hospital on constant supervision because her eclampsia was so bad. While I was working full time, taking care of our other two kids...homework, dinner, cleaning house, showers, bedtime, wake early for school, repeat, repeat, repeat for a solid month......


Stress plays a serious factor in this. Glad they both made it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

FarAwayFuture, this might help. 

Think of it like this. Your wife ended the marriage when she cheated. She shredded what was special between the two of you. 

Your marriage is over, the woman your married no longer exists. It is up to you if you want to continue life with this person you are now with. 

Would you marry her knowing what she did?

What is best for your kids? Seeing an unhappy husband and wife or two parents that are happy in new relationships. 

You see your wife might just turn around and D you with in the next year or two.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

OP they didn’t need to worry about the condoms breaking because they didn’t use condoms. 

It is a well established truth that affair partners almost never use protection. Rubbers detract from the danger, naughtiness and sensuality that drive and add spice to the affair. 

She’s still lying. Lying lying lying. Fee fi fo fum I smell a lyin’ ho.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> OP they didn’t need to worry about the condoms breaking because they didn’t use condoms.
> 
> It is a well established truth that affair partners almost never use protection. Rubbers detract from the danger, naughtiness and sensuality that drive and add spice to the affair.
> 
> She’s still lying. Lying lying lying. Fee fi fo fum I smell a lyin’ ho.


She would be the first WW I have ever heard of using condoms.

FAF, it's like they are reading from a script, they almost never deviate from it when they are in survival mode.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Cheating and lying.

They are demonstrating weakness, disloyality, selfishness, poor judgment, dishonesty, guilt, and fearfulness, as a person.

And now she is broken because of her own actions, and that is not to mention the damage to you, your children, families, and anyone else who cares about the two of you.

It is tragic.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Double post removed here.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

FarAwayFuture said:


> I found out he was getting a divorce from him actually. I emailed him for some questions a couple days after my DDay.


OM will lie like a rug.


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## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

I think it’s a bit like dating with the condoms. You use them the first few times, but after a few times of sex, you’re done with them. I can believe if WW used them in the beginning, but considering they had sex over 2 dozen times, it’s just realistic they stopped using them


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

FarAwayFuture said:


> I told her last night that we would get a paternity test done for me. If for nothing more than the exact words you said....It will bring home to your wife, yet again, the doubt, damage, and disillusionment she has sown into, your life, marriage, and relationship. I know the child is mine but now she has no option. Hell she did it for him, she can do it for me!!


You sir are taking the bull by the horns. Good for you! 

What do you do now? You take your marriage back if you believe you can overcome the betrayal of this magnitude. The alternative is D. You can start the process of D now and stop it just as quickly. Filing does paint a picture for your WW that you are willing to dump the entire marriage. It will knock some sense into your WW.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

hoblob said:


> I think it’s a bit like dating with the condoms. You use them the first few times, but after a few times of sex, you’re done with them. I can believe if WW used them in the beginning, but considering they had sex over 2 dozen times, it’s just realistic they stopped using them


Yeah, this is actually not the case most of the time. 

It adds to the experience and it give the middle finger salute to the BS all at the same time. 

It almost never happens. In for a penny in for a pound...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> You sir are taking the bull by the horns. Good for you!
> 
> What do you do now? You take your marriage back if you believe you can overcome the betrayal of this magnitude. The alternative is D. You can start the process of D now and stop it just as quickly. Filing does paint a picture for your WW that you are willing to dump the entire marriage. It will knock some sense into your WW.


My guess is that when OP gets completely out of denial, and I think he is almost there, that he will go ahead with the divorce. 

Once he understands that, 1) This affair never ended, 2) It was far worse than he even still imagines, 3) all of the cumulative lies over 5-6 years, and 4) whether or not the child is his or not. 

And OP, you don't know unless you take the samples, you send them off, and you get the results out of the mailbox, yourself, you just don't know. 

I think you are getting there but you have a lot further to go...


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Wow! All I got to say is that you have balls man!
Look everybody!!!!! 
This is all about TAM.
Seeing this man taking our advises, following through.
You make me proud man.
I know you still have a run to go.
But this.
This is a phenomenal start man.
Finally somebody's listening as he should.


FarAwayFuture said:


> So here's an update....I told the wife last night we had to talk. I told her this is where I am....I feel some weeks back when I gave her the opportunity to confess everything and be 100% truthful, she was not. I told her I feel now that that time has passed and she wasn't truthful then that now she feels she can't be because it would be just another lie after she said she WAS being 100% truthful.
> 
> I told her I also had set up a polygraph test for her to take on may 9 and if she wasn't truthful 100% NOW, that it would just come out in the poly and then that would officially be the end of us and any thought to R. If she had that little respect for me, that she couldn't be truthful 100% NOW, that she would never be.
> 
> ...


Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

mistake removed...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

salvager said:


> How do you know it's not the case most of the time? Are you there?


No smarty pants, I am just telling the forum that it almost never ever happens that way. Of all the cases that I have read and been involved in personally, it ALMOST NEVER EVER HAPPENS. 

Is it ever possible, sure it is possible, is it probable, no not really. But then some people believe in the tooth fairy, so you never know...


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## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> No smarty pants, I am just telling the forum that it almost never ever happens that way. Of all the cases that I have read and been involved in personally, it ALMOST NEVER EVER HAPPENS.
> 
> Is it ever possible, sure it is possible, is it probable, no not really. But then some people believe in the tooth fairy, so you never know...


Never had a ONS without using a condom. The vast majority of my friends use condoms the first few times. I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about. 

Even cheaters fear STDs. But we can debate this forever, considering We can’t have emipirical evidence on this, we’ll have to agree to disagree.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

hoblob said:


> Never had a ONS without using a condom. The vast majority of my friends use condoms the first few times. I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about.
> 
> Even cheaters fear STDs. But we can debate this forever, considering We can’t have emipirical evidence on this, we’ll have to agree to disagree.


Listen, ONS is one thing. And yes some women are carful, but by in large, it does not happen in affairs. 

If OP's wife did, she is one of the few. Maybe that proves that she is not stupid. 

If your future wife @hoblob used condoms during her one week fling then good for you. 

I wish I was always careful, and for the most part I was. But for me to say that I always used protection, for every single ONS that I ever had. Yeah, that would not be the case.


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## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Listen, ONS is one thing. And yes some women are carful, but by in large, it does not happen in affairs.
> 
> If OP's wife did, she is one of the few. Maybe that proves that she is not stupid.
> 
> ...


I certainly have and every chick I dated would refuse sex without a condom in the first few times. I thought i was an isolated incident but I was talking to several of my single friends and all their tinder hookups included condoms. I quite frankly find it mind boggling that people don’t use them when they hook up with someone they barely know. I know it can kill the moment and the feeling, but you know what they Say, sex lasts 2 seconds an std a lifetime. 

In this case, it’s clear that no condoms were used at one point. Good luck OP with whatever you end up deciding.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

I do think the fact that she thought of Other Man and took time to email him on Christmas Day just 4 months ago shows just how much she was emotionally invested and attached to him. It kind of contradicts her assertions that he was basically implicitly blackmailing her to stay in contact. 

If a woman developed a crush on you, wanted to hang around you all day every day, and just tell you how great you are, just how badly could you think of her? In the case of your wife and other man, do you think she ever wanted to let that type of attention go? 

I would be curious to see how many other people she emailed to on Christmas Day. Who is in the select few she wanted to think about on that special day?

Have you looked at your wife's browser history, both before and after you found out? Any music she's been listening to? Frequently this gives some insight into their attitudes and true feelings. As opposed to whatever she would tell you directly.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If the WW were emotionally invested in the OM, no condoms were used past the first couple of times. I can just about stake what little of a rep I have on here.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Regarding condom use in an affair, from what I've read and know personally, it hardly ever happens. Cheaters who are "in love" with each other, emotionally invested, know each other for any length of time - I can't think of one affair they regularly used condoms. Maybe did it on her supposed "risky" days. Otherwise, not used.

I'm this situation, other man was almost certain the baby was his. Are you to believe they only had sex once or twice that month? And/or that they used condom, but he believes that condoms sometimes break or are not used correctly?

All of these things are within the realm of possible. But when you add all of these separate facts of which you do know, it doesn't make sense.

This guy was really into your wife. He was kind of itinerant, then became a truck driver. Your wife supposedly was trying to give him the cold shoulder. Then she sends him an email on Christmas Day. This guy could have barked up many different trees, why your wife? Don't you think your wife must have been encouraging him? Of course, all emails have been deleted because she admits it would be very ugly. The 3 times turns into "I can't remember how many times, probably 10-15, no more than that." This started in 2013 and she sent the Christmas email 4 months ago. But she was trying to get him to stop contacting her supposedly. 

Something doesn't add up. A lot doesn't add up. It sounds more like she rn

Now given all that, do you really believe your wife doesn't know where the guy is? Or how to reach his wife? Where his wife works? Where other man's parents live? Where his siblings live, and what their names are? Children's names, nieces and nephews names? The guy hung out with you wife every day all day, he didn't have a job. And while your wife complained about you to him, he never told about himself? And your wife never asked? Does that make any sense? Does it add up? 

I'm curious, also, if you asked your wife what cards and gifts they gave to each other on special days Birthdays? Special one-month anniversary?

He was a very special friend. He supported her, when you didn't. He was her knight in shining armor. Practically blackmailing her. So she keeps sending him emails, even on Christmas. And he was happy with just that, he didn't want sex, just the occasional email, that was enough for another few months. Makes zero sense. Nothing like anything I've ever heard or read about.


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

Kamstel said:


> I am so sorry for you.
> 
> Her level of betrayal is among the highest I have ever read about here.
> 
> ...



Thank you!!! I do appreciate the advice/input. I tried to message you back but your account won't accept private messages.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

hoblob said:


> I certainly have and every chick I dated would refuse sex without a condom in the first few times. I thought i was an isolated incident but I was talking to several of my single friends and all their tinder hookups included condoms. I quite frankly find it mind boggling that people don’t use them when they hook up with someone they barely know. I know it can kill the moment and the feeling, but you know what they Say, sex lasts 2 seconds an std a lifetime.
> 
> In this case, it’s clear that no condoms were used at one point. Good luck OP with whatever you end up deciding.


This is my last thread jack here, so let me say this. I am a little older, than you. And yeah, I def would with a tinder hookup which I have never used. 

Most people my age kind of do it the old fashioned way, actually meet people and archaic things like that. 

But having said that, I stand by what I said about condoms and affairs, usually the two don't meet. 

And yes, I fully realize that I was reckless several times in my life, I am not completely stupid.


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## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> This is my last thread jack here, so let me say this. I am a little older, than you. And yeah, I def would with a tinder hookup which I have never used.
> 
> Most people my age kind of do it the old fashioned way, actually meet people and archaic things like that.
> 
> ...


I was going to say that there may be a generational gap between us, but I didn’t want to speculate. I also don’t discount what you said. A true affair, with emotional attachment will be sex without condom since you’re basically “dating” them.

Sorry for the threadjack. And i think in this situation, it’s clear that feelings were involved. The affair never stopped really. The whole Christmas aspect just means that they thought of each other as soulmates and it seems that the OM has true feelings for the WW. It will be hard to sort this out and get all the truth.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

colingrant said:


> A Wayward Wife tells Betrayed Husbands how to snap their wives out of it.
> 
> 
> If my H had discovered my A 25 years ago while I was still in the fog what should he have done?
> ...


^^^^ this! 
I was a WW as well and have thought many times after coming on TAM as to what would have snapped me out of the fog if H had found out. My conclusions were exactly as the above. When you are in Lala land you are so focused on the specialness of your little unicorn union that you do not see beyond it. The horrifficness of what you are doing doesnt cross your mind. It is a completely self centered little bubble world and for many it is easy to compartmentalize. You just dont think about the devastation and cruelty that you are putting upon the BS. I think maybe that is what allows waywards to do it. An extra dose of selfishness and an excellent abiltiy to justify and compartmentalize. If you looked closely at their heart and brain you'd find a crack which they allow to widen at the time.

It is impossible for anyone other than a BS to truly understand the full gut wrenching agony a BS goes through on DDay and for years beyond. If you havent been in that position you simply cant fathom how awful it is.(I later was in that postion with H - which led me here -which led me to realize the importance of confessing my A even though it was 25 years prior- and yes for him it was as if it just happened) 

I think your WW is a good candidate for R. It can happen. Things may never be the same but they can be different and still worthwhile. Each couple is different. H says he believes we never would have become as close as we are now if we hadnt gone through it. He says he never would have gotten to really know me if it hadnt been for all the MC we went through. The idea that we could lose each other made us figure out what each others needs were and fulfill them. We pay attention to those cracks. 

Going in to R I had to accept (still havent totally) that I will never know the details. I will never get anything more than what I had proof of .He will probably go to his grave not sharing the truth. Is it still worth it? Yes - for us it is. Maybe because my A disqualifies me from any judgement and vice versa. I understand the wish to take it to the grave. It is an ugly, ugly, repulsive, disgusting thing in the light of day. Thats why exposure is so important. That was 3 years ago. We went to IC and MC. There were times when we had emergency MC, phone IC, used alternative counselors if our primary one wasnt available and times were too tough to handle on our own.

My H had a chronic health condition prior to and after my A. I was also his caretaker for months at a time with remissions between. I kept up on his illness- researching treatments, taking him to dr appointments, nursing him so he could remain at home instead of the hospital when possible. I visited him daily when he was in the hospital, after working all day and going home to give our young son attention. His specialist/hospital was in another city an hour away. I remember crawling into his hospital bed one time and we just read the paper together to feel some normalcy. During remissions he withdrew from me. He was busy catching up on what he felt he missed as a young man while he was sick (read-playing sports 3-4 times a week, coming home drunk and uninterested in my life, weekends with the boys...etc)

I think as much as he withdrew from me I withdrew from him during these times. There was unexpressed resentment, depression, anger and FEAR of what the future would bring for both of us. He wanted to be manly and strong- not dependent on his wife. Much of his home care was of a personal nature. He hated having me do it. I never minded. I wanted him to feel like everything was fine. We were fine, he was fine,I was fine, our child was fine, our finances were fine....despite wanting to be "super"wife -Like your WW I deserted him when he was vulnerable. That makes it so much more of a betrayal. 

The following in no way excuses anyones A. A serious chronic illness, doesnt happen in a vacuum. The stress, disappointment, utter despair and exhaustion happen to the spouse as well. Trying to be the breadwinner, parent and a caretaker during such an emotionally draining time...those feelings are real for the healthy spouse too. I didnt share those feelings with him. It seemed like such a selfish poor me victim thing to do- he was the one with the "real" suffering. I didnt feel I had any right to those feelings- but feel them I did. I remember breaking down in my doctors office because he asked me how I was holding up during all of this. He was the only person who acknowledged that it was ok to be struggling. 

I didnt think much about these circumstances and how they may have contributed until I read this thread. 

OP- I think that maybe she was struggling. Maybe she was in unacknowledged emotional pain. Maybe her character was weakened by her distress and great love for you. She allowed herself to be distracted and escaped the pain through this A. She compartmentalized a little piece of rainbows and unicorns as a (very deviant and wrong) way of coping.

I suggest this not to excuse her or (myself) for inexcusable actions but to suggest that she is perhaps not a serial evil WW.
I would think R is a good opportunity to learn about each other and how to meet each others needs. How to safely share emotions and effectively communicate.
Best of luck to you both.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

FarAwayFuture said:


> Yes it was. I should have stated that I guess. Pregnancy has never agreed with her body. She became preeclamptic with all 3 of our children. Our first child was rough but she made it through decently well, considering. Our second almost killed her, literally, as well as the child she had in her- our daughter. She was born at 6 months old and spent two months in the NICU. Our third child was born more than a month early. She found out she was pregnant end of oct. begin of nov 2014 (hard to remember exactly but around this time) and gave birth june 19 2015 by way of C-section. She literally spent a full month in the hospital on constant supervision because her eclampsia was so bad. While I was working full time, taking care of our other two kids...homework, dinner, cleaning house, showers, bedtime, wake early for school, repeat, repeat, repeat for a solid month......


Then the only reason the OM would even believe the baby could have been his is because the affair was still going on when your wife got pregnant. The stress of not knowing who the father was until birth can explain why your wife was so sick that time. 

Why else would the OM think the way he did to the point if forcing a DNA test.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

I believe I have fixed the private message issue, so you can send it now.

Stay strong, and remember who is in control....YOU!!!


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

I know this sucks, and while it may not seem like it, but you will survive!

Do you know about 180? Start it!

I suggest you turn everything into being the greatest dad in history!

Have you talked to a lawyer yet?

No matter what you ultimately decide, I STRONGLY suggest you file for divorce. You can end it at any time and will also make her realize how much she screwed up, and make her understand that she is no longer in control


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## BellaBrooks (Feb 7, 2018)

FarAwayFuture said:


> While I want to try and work on R, I feel i will always have these doubts, thoughts, concerns, what if's, etc. Even yrs down the road. I can't imagine a D but I also can't live with how I feel now for the rest of my life and I worried that this feeling I have isn't gonna go away. I feel so stuck and lost.


Exactly this. You took the words right out of my heart.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Something to think about —

Just because the baby isn’t OM’s doesn’t mean it’s yours.

Get your own test.

Or, actually, test_s_ — plural.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I don't think the OM would be so insistent on a paternity test if he didn't have good reason to suspect the kid was his. He can count. He probably had good reason to suspect - they had sex during the time of conception,

And her argument to explain his demand for the test "condoms are not 100% effective". Well time is 100% effective. It would not matter if the condom broke if the last time they had sex was 12-14 months before the birth. 

Get the test done and the polygraph. 

When was the STD test done? I think some of the more serious STDs don't show on a test for up to 6 months after infection. Also don't forget to test for the latest - HPV. Did your wife ever say that an STD test was a waste of time since they used a condom every time? Or did the condom claim only surface when discussing the pregnancy?


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

The Christmas email is particularly disturbing. This email happens on a family day, long after the "end" of her affair.
Is there a way to see if she also sent photos of your kid, the one that OM thinks is his?

Your WW affair was still on 4 1/2 months ago, go through with the STD test and poly and know that you don't know the whole truth. Only what the WW and her OM are telling you, I bet his wife would be surprised that she is divorced.

Try spokeo and pipl.com to find the OMS

hang in there, you have learned a lot in a short time.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Just sent you a pm


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

colingrant said:


> A Wayward Wife tells Betrayed Husbands how to snap their wives out of it.
> 
> 
> If my H had discovered my A 25 years ago while I was still in the fog what should he have done?
> ...


I read a story in another marriage forum years ago where the betrayed husband found out about his WW's affair and went to the bank and took out the $10,000+ they had saved to go to Hawaii for their 25th anniversary. He wrote her a letter telling her that he knew about the affair and had all the proof he needed for divorcing her. He told her he was flying to Las Vegas for a week and that afterwards he would return to file the D paperwork. 

Well he flew to Las Vegas and then rented a car and drove out to the Bunny Ranch and proceeded to spend five days sampling the delights of the working gals there, most of them half his WW's age. During this time his WW was blowing his phone apart trying to get hold of him. 

When he got home he made sure to show his WW the receipts from the cathouse. She fell apart and attempted suicide. He divorced her and married a younger woman.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

bandit.45 said:


> I read a story in another marriage forum years ago where the betrayed husband found out about his WW's affair and went to the bank and took out the $10,000+ they had saved to go to Hawaii for their 25th anniversary. He wrote her a letter telling her that he knew about the affair and had all the proof he needed for divorcing her. He told her he was flying to Las Vegas for a week and that afterwards he would return to file the D paperwork.
> 
> Well he flew to Las Vegas and then rented a car and drove out to the Bunny Ranch and proceeded to spend five days sampling the delights of the working gals there, most of them half his WW's age. During this time his WW was blowing his phone apart trying to get hold of him.
> 
> When he got home he made sure to show his WW the receipts from the cathouse. She fell apart and attempted suicide. He divorced her and married a younger woman.


I'm kind of sadistic in that I love hearing stories from BS who have a quiet but steely confidence and turn the apple cart upside down on the WS, notwithstanding the suicide attempt. I don't wan't to see that. I read so many sob stories where the BS is begging, pleading,hoping, conceding and compromising. I wish there was a site or a forum section that only contained stories where the BS turned the tables onto the WS who's pleading to return to the way it used to be.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

*bandit.45
Well he flew to Las Vegas and then rented a car and drove out to the Bunny Ranch and proceeded to spend five days sampling the delights of the working gals there, most of them half his WW's age. During this time his WW was blowing his phone apart trying to get hold of him.
When he got home he made sure to show his WW the receipts from the cathouse. She fell apart and attempted suicide. *

That was dumb move in my opinion. It sounds so 7th grade-ish.

* a)He divorced her and married a b)younger woman.*

A was OK. B? Why does the next wife need to be younger? What is wrong with a compatible, sexy, successful woman his age?

A guy that needs to prove he is hot by attracting a younger hotter looking woman, maybe has some insecurity issues or is ego driven.

I still say compatibility and motivated women would be my ideal. I am past the teenage standards that make people do things that depend on revenge and ego.

OP needs to do what HE is comfortable with and what works in the long run in his favor.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

An attorney should be able to subpoena the eraser texts and/or emails. Some providers don’t even need the subpoena.

Her story doesn’t add up. When her story finally makes sense you probably have most of the truth. She emails, on Christmas, a former lover that blackmailed her. That lie is so blatant, everything she has said is questionable. She added a few details thinking you would forego a poly. 

Is he a local. I don’t remember reading where he lived. Were they having the affair when he was passing through. Was he coming to your house while you were out? 

Have you been using a VAR to hear who and what she is talking about now. I hate to say this, but you still do not know much about what has/is going on.


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

NJ2 said:


> ^^^^ this!
> I was a WW as well and have thought many times after coming on TAM as to what would have snapped me out of the fog if H had found out. My conclusions were exactly as the above. When you are in Lala land you are so focused on the specialness of your little unicorn union that you do not see beyond it. The horrifficness of what you are doing doesnt cross your mind. It is a completely self centered little bubble world and for many it is easy to compartmentalize. You just dont think about the devastation and cruelty that you are putting upon the BS. I think maybe that is what allows waywards to do it. An extra dose of selfishness and an excellent abiltiy to justify and compartmentalize. If you looked closely at their heart and brain you'd find a crack which they allow to widen at the time.
> 
> It is impossible for anyone other than a BS to truly understand the full gut wrenching agony a BS goes through on DDay and for years beyond. If you havent been in that position you simply cant fathom how awful it is.(I later was in that postion with H - which led me here -which led me to realize the importance of confessing my A even though it was 25 years prior- and yes for him it was as if it just happened)
> ...



NJ2....this was beautifully written!! You opened my eyes up to some things I hadn't thought before. 

I'm sorry to hear how you did handle your situation at the time. It's sad and your husband didn't deserve your actions, but it sounds like it was almost a "necessity" for your marriage. A wake up call so to speak. 

I'm hoping that's what this is for my wife and myself. Too many years of neglecting each other, holding resentment, and hostility. Despising each other for reasons unknown because there was no communication. Afraid to sit down and talk, discuss, and work on our problems to see if there IS even a future together. Rug sweep it and move onto the next problem in our life. 

Not this time, not for us. This was the final straw for me and she knows it!! Time will tell what's in store for us but I am hoping for a positive outcome, regardless of what it is. I'm going into this though with a full heart. A heart that is hoping for the best but already fully prepared for the worst. 

Thank you for your reply. Again it was beautifully written and hits home in a lot of ways.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

What are you going to do?

Wish you luck


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

bandit.45 said:


> I read a story in another marriage forum years ago where the betrayed husband found out about his WW's affair and went to the bank and took out the $10,000+ they had saved to go to Hawaii for their 25th anniversary. He wrote her a letter telling her that he knew about the affair and had all the proof he needed for divorcing her. He told her he was flying to Las Vegas for a week and that afterwards he would return to file the D paperwork.
> 
> Well he flew to Las Vegas and then rented a car and drove out to the Bunny Ranch and proceeded to spend five days sampling the delights of the working gals there, most of them half his WW's age. During this time his WW was blowing his phone apart trying to get hold of him.
> 
> When he got home he made sure to show his WW the receipts from the cathouse. She fell apart and attempted suicide. He divorced her and married a younger woman.



I have to say that solved nothing. Honestly, it was stupid. Very childish. If it made him feel better, ok, i can understand that to an extent, but at the end of the day it helped the matter at hand none. He needed to just leave her and that be the end. Why rub it in her face. Seems like a man with little self respect for himself. Seems like a man who saw vengeance as his only answer. Got to get the last lick in. I would never do anything like this...not the kind of man I am. I have morals.


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

ABHale said:


> Then the only reason the OM would even believe the baby could have been his is because the affair was still going on when your wife got pregnant. The stress of not knowing who the father was until birth can explain why your wife was so sick that time.
> 
> Why else would the OM think the way he did to the point if forcing a DNA test.



Stress isn't a factor in developing preeclampsia or becoming eclamptic. Sure it won't help the pregnancy but it's not a determining factor of whether or not a woman will develop it during the pregnancy. Google it, educate yourself on what it actually is. If you would have read my post, I stated she developed preeclampsia in ALL 3 of our pregnancies. The first one being in 2001, born in 2002. Second, june 2008, born in dec. of 2008 and third, nov. 2014, born in june of 2015. Yes maybe she was still sleeping with him right up until she got pregnant. I will never know and I've accepted that. The stress of not knowing who the father could've been though does not spring into action preeclampsia. Thank you for your reply though!

I like to read all opinions, no matter how right or wrong they may be.


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

Chaparral said:


> An attorney should be able to subpoena the eraser texts and/or emails. Some providers don’t even need the subpoena.
> 
> Her story doesn’t add up. When her story finally makes sense you probably have most of the truth. She emails, on Christmas, a former lover that blackmailed her. That lie is so blatant, everything she has said is questionable. She added a few details thinking you would forego a poly.
> 
> ...


No her story doesn't totally add up and it never probably will. She has hidden so much from me. She has been on here reading my thread the past day or so and she did text me and call me out on one thing...whether it's true or not I don't know.....he was the one who emailed her on Christmas day. She emailed him back a few days later. Totally her words and her words don't have any value to them right now, but it could be true. Again, something I will never know and I have to accept it. 

I believe he is local but has been a truck driver for some yrs now and is always on the road apparently. I asked my wife, when the PA was ongoing, how it was he would contact her. Would he come into town and blow up your email to get you to meet him, sleep with him, and then he went on his way. Would you hear from him in between that last encounter and the next or was it just when he came into town? She said she never thought of it that way. I told her it sounds like once he finally got you to give in, you became his "in-town" wh**e. Sad. 

She would leave to meet him when I was at work, at a truck stop 30 min or so from our home. they would use his semi as their "hotel".


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

FarAwayFuture said:


> Stress isn't a factor in developing preeclampsia or becoming eclamptic. Sure it won't help the pregnancy but it's not a determining factor of whether or not a woman will develop it during the pregnancy. Google it, educate yourself on what it actually is. If you would have read my post, I stated she developed preeclampsia in ALL 3 of our pregnancies. The first one being in 2001, born in 2002. Second, june 2008, born in dec. of 2008 and third, nov. 2014, born in june of 2015. Yes maybe she was still sleeping with him right up until she got pregnant. I will never know and I've accepted that. The stress of not knowing who the father could've been though does not spring into action preeclampsia. Thank you for your reply though!
> 
> I like to read all opinions, no matter how right or wrong they may be.


My sister had it with all three of hers. Doctor said stress is a factor. Thank you.


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

FarAwayFuture said:


> No her story doesn't totally add up and it never probably will. *She has hidden so much from me. She has been on here reading my thread the past day or so and she did text me and call me out on one thing...whether it's true or not I don't know.....he was the one who emailed her on Christmas day. She emailed him back a few days l*ater. Totally her words and her words don't have any value to them right now, but it could be true. Again, something I will never know and I have to accept it.
> 
> I believe he is local but has been a truck driver for some yrs now and is always on the road apparently. I asked my wife, when the PA was ongoing, how it was he would contact her. Would he come into town and blow up your email to get you to meet him, sleep with him, and then he went on his way. Would you hear from him in between that last encounter and the next or was it just when he came into town? She said she never thought of it that way. I told her it sounds like once he finally got you to give in, you became his "in-town" wh**e. Sad.
> 
> *She would leave to meet him when I was at work, at a truck stop 30 min or so from our home. they would use his semi as their "hotel".*


The fact is.... she has lied so long, she probably doesn't know the truth! And now she is trying to control your narrative. She can't even respect your space of healing.... little does she know this kind of action eventually pushes the BS way... sure it lets the WS cover up and possibly continue their WHORING ways, but eventually the BS wishes up... and it shows a bit in your "tone"..


Im sorry but I laughed out loud when I read the last line.... so this guy she defiled your marriage with maid her in to NOTHING more than a cheap TRUCKSTOP *****! A "TSW"... bet that's a real ego boost for her... what does that say about what she thinks about you??? To steal a line from Mr. Arsino Hall "Things that ya go,.... Hmmm!!!"


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

FarAwayFuture said:


> No her story doesn't totally add up and it never probably will. She has hidden so much from me. She has been on here reading my thread the past day or so and she did text me and call me out on one thing...whether it's true or not I don't know.....he was the one who emailed her on Christmas day. She emailed him back a few days later. Totally her words and her words don't have any value to them right now, but it could be true. Again, something I will never know and I have to accept it.
> 
> I believe he is local but has been a truck driver for some yrs now and is always on the road apparently. I asked my wife, when the PA was ongoing, how it was he would contact her. Would he come into town and blow up your email to get you to meet him, sleep with him, and then he went on his way. Would you hear from him in between that last encounter and the next or was it just when he came into town? She said she never thought of it that way. I told her it sounds like once he finally got you to give in, you became his "in-town" wh**e. Sad.
> 
> She would leave to meet him when I was at work, at a truck stop 30 min or so from our home. they would use his semi as their "hotel".


Ugh... That's gross. The level of deceit and the ability of her to continue to hide stuff and trickle truth you, coupled with the fact that she was hooking up in a vehicle at a truck stop, would put it in the no shot for R category for me. What she did is just disgusting. I wish you luck if you do decide to truly R. 

Take care of the kids, man! That's the most important thing. My mom cheated on my dad, when I was around 9 yrs old. He ultimately decided to R, but it was rough watching it at even that age. My siblings and I noticed that stuff just wasn't right, but really didn't know the extent. We could just tell he was disgusted with mom. When I was older, my dad came to me and told me the whole story, so we would know why it was so awful for awhile. I really think he just stayed together for us (the kids), when it would have obviously been better for him to divorce. Sometimes adults do things they think will be in the best interest of the children, when really, the exact opposite would be the correct call... Now that I have children, I'm just amazed at how perceptive they are. I realize I was the same way when I was young.


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

ABHale said:


> My sister had it with all three of hers. Doctor said stress is a factor. Thank you.



Like I said, google it. You are kinda lost on what it actually is and how it arises in a pregnancy. Like I also said, stress did NOT help it, not arguing that at all, but it was also NOT a determining factor in the ACTUAL onset on her preeclampsia which also turned into eclampsia. Educate yourself a little more on it. It will help you to understand it better. There are far more serious and actual reasons a woman develops preeclampsia. Far beyond stress itself. Thank you!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

FarAwayFuture said:


> I have to say that solved nothing. Honestly, it was stupid. Very childish. If it made him feel better, ok, i can understand that to an extent, but at the end of the day it helped the matter at hand none. He needed to just leave her and that be the end. Why rub it in her face. Seems like a man with little self respect for himself. Seems like a man who saw vengeance as his only answer. Got to get the last lick in. I would never do anything like this...not the kind of man I am. I have morals.


So your wife is like the husband here, no morals.


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

seadoug105 said:


> The fact is.... she has lied so long, she probably doesn't know the truth! And now she is trying to control your narrative. She can't even respect your space of healing.... little does she know this kind of action eventually pushes the BS way... sure it lets the WS cover up and possibly continue their WHORING ways, but eventually the BS wishes up... and it shows a bit in your "tone"..
> 
> 
> Im sorry but I laughed out loud when I read the last line.... so this guy she defiled your marriage with maid her in to NOTHING more than a cheap TRUCKSTOP *****! A "TSW"... bet that's a real ego boost for her... what does that say about what she thinks about you??? To steal a line from Mr. Arsino Hall "Things that ya go,.... Hmmm!!!"



You're right, she probably doesn't know the truth anymore. I have to either accept that or move on. Up for me to decide. 

It hurts to know she became what is seemingly an in-town wh**e. It hurts a lot. Maybe she didn't even realize it? Maybe she did and didn't care. I don't know.


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

ABHale said:


> So your wife is like the husband here, no morals.


Yes I would definitely have to agree with that statement!!


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

*"She would leave to meet him when I was at work, at a truck stop 30 min or so from our home. they would use his semi as their "hotel".*

She doesn't think very highly of herself. She stooped to adulterating in the back of a semi. Low esteem, desperate, selfish and stupid are a few words that come to mind. Stupid from the stand point that agreeing to fk a trucker in his truck in exchange for her dignity, self respect, husband, kids and marriage isn't a trade-off that's even close to considering, yet she not only considered it, but ACTUALLY did it! Unbelievable.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Honestly FWF, i am not sure how you can stay in this relationship with her transgressions hanging over your head, its not like she EVER and i mean EVER thought of you, your marriage or your family when she decided to drop everything to see him for 30 minutes or so...she might be a good mom, (i frankly question that) but honestly how can she be much of a partner, a spouse, a lover when she soiled herself, when she was NEVER honest with you because she was never honest with herself. How can you look her in the face everyday and be glad you stayed were it not for the kids. I invite her to response to this or any of the posters if she feels that she is being unjustly tainted.
At the end of the day whether you stay with her or not is up to you, and maybe you will take the high road and put it pass the both of you, but i will tell you that even years later it will still being bothering you, and the trust will never be there like it was before. and i mean NEVER.....my vote is to dump her, because she never thought her actions had any impact on you and your family and because she was NEVER honest with you.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

Well, having sex in the man's truck got me thinking of something else. Before this information came out, several people wanted DNA to prove or disprove FAF was the dad. Now the way I operated was I initiated more sex after my W got pregnant. I can't get her PG twice. It was like pay once (PG) and the rest is an all you can eat buffet.

OTH, some people really need and want attention even if it is from someone other than the spouse. It happens, maybe more than we realize.


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## chaos_squared (May 2, 2018)

Dude, your wife ****ed another guy repeatedly while having you baby-sit the children. If you cannot see that she does not love you then you are blind. Ask yourself this, if the OM was rich, would she have stayed with you. I think we both know the answer is no.

My advice: divorce, cry, move on. You will be happier in the long run. Change is scary, but I guarantee their are people who will help you, if you have the courage to ask.


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

I thought I would give a little update to my situation.....

Things have been going pretty good. I have my good days and my bad days. More good than bad at this point, which I am happy about. Bad days can be rather depressing though. Hard to get out of the slump sometimes. 

IC for myself is going well. Just had my eighth session today. I've been going twice a week for a month now. I have never done IC before and I didn't really know what to expect, but it has helped me out A LOT!! Wish I had been doing this years!! Talking with someone is so gratifying. Getting crap off my chest, working through issues at hand, new methods of dealing with and coping with my situation, etc. So glad I started it. 

My wife has also started IC. She had her fourth apt today. She tells me she feels the same way about going.....should've been doing it for years! It has helped her in many already and I'm very happy to see how much effort she is putting into it as a whole. She is also investing a lot of time into reading books centered around me....what she did to me, how I am feeling, what it has done to me as a man, our kids, the family, etc, etc. Also she has read a good bit of self help books for her own issues. She is trying to gain all the knowledge she can to not only help herself and the family, but ME. She has really put her "working boots" on. She informs me constantly of her whereabouts, even with pictures. Has agreed to an app where I can monitor her(don't really feel that's a healthy option for me though). All her PW's. No more social media. Makes time for me, us. She has done great so far! 

Now that isn't to say she has done everything "correctly". She has a thread on here that she posted a day or two ago in which she is asking for help to help me when I'm down. She does everything she can and she implements a lot of tactics from the books she has read and what she has learned here on other TAM threads on how to be comforting, understanding and supportive, and she is, but I guess at times she feels like she could do more. I won't go into anymore on her thread. Please go read it! It's titled WS NEEDS ADVICE in CWI section. BTW, I have not read her thread yet, only know what she has told me. I didn't know how to attach a link directly to her thread, apologies. I may even comment on hers if and as it gains more insight, if it does. I think that could be interesting lol.

We have done the STD tests......clean. 

DNA tests were done today and will be mailed out tomorrow. Results in about a week I hope. I also decided to DNA test all three of our children.

I feel good about what has happened over the past couple weeks. They have been really good, with a bad day here and there, but for the most part, I am happy that I didn't just go for D. Not to say things will work out on the long road we still have to travel, but with her doing all she has been and all she will , hopefully, continue to do and me doing my part and continuing to do so, I really hope to see a happy ending down the road. 

I will continue to update my thread as I get new info and as things progress for us. Thanks again to everyone for the comments, suggestions, insight, etc. You guys and gals rock!! So glad I found TAM!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Could you give a little more insight on you MS condition and how you are doing with it. I gather it got really bad but evidently you seem
To have improved a lot.

There are a ton of threads here where one spouse has an illness , depression etc.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Sorry wrong thread!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Obviously it’s the worst way to handle the situation, but neither of you handled you sickness correctly. One thing we see here a lot is affairs that start slowly and progress to a PA. In your wife’s case it looks like it was used as an escape from the real world. Counseling could have gotten you back on track. I am going through something like that now with my brother and very elderly father.

Your situation left your wife vulnerable. She picked wrong. So did you by taking it out on her. Then comes along a knight in shining armor. KISA. Google one of the websites devoted to picking up married women. They have it down to a science and so many people are vulnerable. 

There are ways to retrieve deleted emails. Look up DrFone and there is a better one than that now I hear. 

It worries me that her timeline plus sex only three times and him insisting the baby was him doesn’t seem to line up. Of course, they ALWAYS lie about the timeline and frequency. ALWAYS


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> Does your counselor know about the one night stands you have had in your marriage? Because it is apparent some of these posters didn't read that part.


What ONS's ?


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

One Night Stand


manfromlamancha said:


> What ONS's ?


Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Didn't know that part


Pepe1970 said:


> One Night Stand
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

Chaparral said:


> Could you give a little more insight on you MS condition and how you are doing with it. I gather it got really bad but evidently you seem
> To have improved a lot.
> 
> There are a ton of threads here where one spouse has an illness , depression etc.


I would be happy too. Diagnosed in Aug. 2009. Numbness in right leg, eventually spread to left and then up into my torso. Within a month of being diagonsed I couldn't walk. I couldn't feel anything from the waist down. Several months later, I regained my ability to walk and sensation in my body. A few months later, back to the not being able to walk, feel ,etc. This plagued me like this until late 2012 when I went into remission. From then until now I have been back and forth from relapsing to remission. I have been fortunate that I have not had a serious exacerbation since late 2012 but I still have constant numbness, tingling, loss of sensation in my body, muscle spasms in my legs, burning sensations, pain and it can be bad at times, weakness in my legs(feel like I could fall while walking sometimes), loss of strength in my hands, and I could go on. I have been on several medicines over the years for it, but all had such horrible side effects, that it killed my quality of life and I decided it was better to be able to enjoy life then be sick from the meds all the time. I have had a recent MRI and luckuliy my MS hasn't "changed" much since my last scan in 2017. That's good!! So, yes, I feel better than I did during my bad exacerbations, but improved would not be the word I would have used. I would have said, I am luck that I have been in remission for some years now.


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> Does your counselor know about the one night stands you have had in your marriage? Because it is apparent some of these posters didn't read that part.


ONS?!?!?!?! Where did you get that from?!?!?!?!

Never had one and I am happy to be able to say that!!!


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Yeah I didn't see that neither


FarAwayFuture said:


> ONS?!?!?!?! Where did you get that from?!?!?!?!
> 
> Never had one and I am happy to be able to say that!!!


Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

Chaparral said:


> Obviously it’s the worst way to handle the situation, but neither of you handled you sickness correctly. One thing we see here a lot is affairs that start slowly and progress to a PA. In your wife’s case it looks like it was used as an escape from the real world. Counseling could have gotten you back on track. I am going through something like that now with my brother and very elderly father.
> 
> Your situation left your wife vulnerable. She picked wrong. So did you by taking it out on her. Then comes along a knight in shining armor. KISA. Google one of the websites devoted to picking up married women. They have it down to a science and so many people are vulnerable.
> 
> ...


I agree with you....she was overwhelmed by what was going on with me and I totally took it out on her. I was in a different place mentally back then. Very depressed and sad within myself for what I was going through. Poor pitiful me right. I could have handled my situation so much better and I realize that now.

I don't really want to read the emails. I read enough and that was only .02% of them. I have accpeted the fact that I will never know the truth and I can either keep digging and salt up my wounds even more or move forward knowing I only know a piece of the truth. I have decided to move forward and leave that in the past. 

It wasn't just 3 times. She did finally confess to that and I believe I posted that several posts back. I gave it a high number so if I do find out a true number I won't be a shock. I said 30 times but it was probably more than that and probably up until she found out she was pregnant, not the 3 times she said and end of PA in Aug. 2014. 

Thanks for the comments!!!!


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I want to apologize to the OP. Very profusely. There is another person with MS who was on here busting his wife's A wide open, and he casually mentioned later that he had had several ONS's over the duration of his marriage. I mixed the stories up.

I profusely apologize for getting that wrong!


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

I think that you need to start being honest with yourself and your wife. Your first post talked about how guilt ridden she was and how you could tell she was being upfront and sorry. Then, you later revealed that she lied to you about how much sex. Then you accepted the idea that maybe she does not know the truth because she lied so much and maybe could not recall.

Dude, just stop making excuses for her. She cheated with impunity, lied with impunity and manipulated you the whole time. The thing is, you are okay with it because you want to keep the relationship. Just be honest. 

If she told you that she had 5 affairs and aborted 3 affair babies, you'd see how much it hurt her and accept it. Again, that is your choice. It is your life. It is your marriage. 

The problem is that this approach is going to lead to a lifetime of misery. Until you stop throwing flower petals in her path, she is not gonna get better. Her posting on this board or another one, with your knowledge is just a form of manipulation. The old, "look how contrite I am, I am posting on a forum of strangers and a few are letting me have it" routine is so predictable. 

I am not saying throw her out, even if I would, because it is your life. I am saying that if you want to get this thing fixed, then you had better make her work. Make her prove every word. Doubt everything and make her earn your trust. If you don't, she will stray again and you will be miserable or you will always have doubts and insecurities because your subconscious is not going to be satisfied and you will be miserable. 

Keep her, don't keep her. Your life, but live it honestly...both of you. Right now.

By the way, she knows the truth. It was an intense emotional and physical affair not that long ago. Unless she has dementia. She knows the truth and can recall a lot. Seriously.


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

bigfoot said:


> I think that you need to start being honest with yourself and your wife. Your first post talked about how guilt ridden she was and how you could tell she was being upfront and sorry. Then, you later revealed that she lied to you about how much sex. Then you accepted the idea that maybe she does not know the truth because she lied so much and maybe could not recall.
> 
> Dude, just stop making excuses for her. She cheated with impunity, lied with impunity and manipulated you the whole time. The thing is, you are okay with it because you want to keep the relationship. Just be honest.
> 
> ...


I am the WS of FarAwayFuture. Just want to clarify a couple of things - my husband suggested that I post on TAM - not my idea and I didn’t want to do it. I thought if it’s something that he wants me to do - I will do it. Everything he asks me to do, I do. 
You are correct about my lying and cheating though. I do not deny my choices - just wish that I could go back and change them. Since I cannot, I have to make the best of our present and future and apologize as many times as he will listen and change who I was. IC has already started helping me and I’ve only been to 4 sessions. 
I answer all of his questions to the best of my ability. I didn’t remember a CSA that occurred to me until 30 years later. That being said - contrary to everyone’s belief - I was not happy in my affair. I was miserable and was being blackmailed. I hate the OM with a hate so intense that it rages inside of me. I do not remember exact dates, times or places because I’ve blocked that out too, just as my I did with my CSA. I hope that with time and my IC that I will be able to remember more and put my husbands puzzle together. 
I am not looking for sympathy from anyone and that is not why I revealed the physical abuse and CSA. I wanted to paint a picture of my background. I made terrible choices. I can only hope that the love that we share is strong enough to make it through this and be better than before. 
I am worried that my husband will not be able to forgive me and if he can’t, we will face that obstacle when it arises. I want him to be happy again and I have stated that if he can gain that happiness back without me, then we can be co-parents and I will make the divorce as smooth as possible for him. I don’t want to take his children from him and he doesn’t want to take them from me. We will be a broken family that still loves each other. 
All I can do is pray for forgiveness- from everyone that I hurt - and change who I was into a better person. I’m a work in progress and I know he sees my hard work. 
I love my husband more than my own life. I will do anything for him. I just hope it’s not too little too late.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

AnsleyW said:


> I am the WS of FarAwayFuture. Just want to clarify a couple of things - my husband suggested that I post on TAM - not my idea and I didn’t want to do it. I thought if it’s something that he wants me to do - I will do it. Everything he asks me to do, I do.
> You are correct about my lying and cheating though. I do not deny my choices - just wish that I could go back and change them. Since I cannot, I have to make the best of our present and future and apologize as many times as he will listen and change who I was. IC has already started helping me and I’ve only been to 4 sessions.
> I answer all of his questions to the best of my ability. I didn’t remember a CSA that occurred to me until 30 years later. That being said - contrary to everyone’s belief - I was not happy in my affair. I was miserable and was being blackmailed. I hate the OM with a hate so intense that it rages inside of me. I do not remember exact dates, times or places because I’ve blocked that out too, just as my I did with my CSA. I hope that with time and my IC that I will be able to remember more and put my husbands puzzle together.
> I am not looking for sympathy from anyone and that is not why I revealed the physical abuse and CSA. I wanted to paint a picture of my background. I made terrible choices. I can only hope that the love that we share is strong enough to make it through this and be better than before.
> ...


Welcome to TAM.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You both will need a lot of patience. The healing time for adultery is very long. Plus you have the added strain of MS.

A problem folks here have is your continued communication with your AP. Also the fantastic amount of texts. It’s hard to buy into the blackmail story......particularly because it’s been told here before and rarely turns out to be true. 

If your husband doesn’t want to see your texts that’s up to him. You should retrieve them for him. Legally the phone companies have to save them and there are apps t retrieve them. 

Get some advice from people that have reconciled. Drifting On comes to mind I think. Unfortunately, most folks that reconcile do not stick around.

Two books you both should read are HER NEEDS HIS NEEDS & FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES. Your husband needs to read MARRIED MANSEX LIFE PRIMER.

There are a couple of websites that may help if you are interested.


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

Chaparral said:


> You both will need a lot of patience. The healing time for adultery is very long. Plus you have the added strain of MS.
> 
> A problem folks here have is your continued communication with your AP. Also the fantastic amount of texts. It’s hard to buy into the blackmail story......particularly because it’s been told here before and rarely turns out to be true.
> 
> ...


I am interested in the websites if you could let me know what they are please.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

FarAwayFuture said:


> I agree with you....she was overwhelmed by what was going on with me and I totally took it out on her. I was in a different place mentally back then. Very depressed and sad within myself for what I was going through. Poor pitiful me right. I could have handled my situation so much better and I realize that now.
> 
> I don't really want to read the emails. I read enough and that was only .02% of them. I have accpeted the fact that I will never know the truth and I can either keep digging and salt up my wounds even more or move forward knowing I only know a piece of the truth. I have decided to move forward and leave that in the past.
> 
> ...


So she says in her post you used to wail on her. Is that true?


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Ok. Lets be honest, dates, times, and places is way too particular. There are a whole lot of things to recall. Places are fairly easy. Days vs dates are easy. Times in relationship to time of day is fairly easy. Approximations work. Besides, the meetups were likely planned, so use phone records.

As to blackmail, lets be clear. Your AP threatened to tell your H that you were cheating. What is that?! Your AP was going to blow up your affair and expose your lie. Think thay through for a moment.

Your hate for the AP is misplaced. Why do you hate him? He was an SOB? par for the course if APs. He ruined your relationship? You were very active in that. 

I am not bashing you as you are on an infidelity forum. I am saying that your husband needs to be honest with himself about your deception. Your present contrition is only recent as your first move was to lie.

If you guys make it, great. You won't last if you all don't strip away all of the lies and deception and other junk.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sex only 3 times in what... 5-6 years?

Hope you know that’s a lie. And the smart money says it was a PA well before the first D-Day.

And she took your youngest to meet him at lunch (she lied about not going, BTW)?

Not sure if it’s been mentioned already, or if you’ve done it already, but you should DNA that kid.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

FarAwayFuture,

You wrote, *I have accpeted the fact that I will never know the truth and I can either keep digging and salt up my wounds even more or move forward knowing I only know a piece of the truth. I have decided to move forward and leave that in the past. *

That's why you should get a polygraph now, if you suspect she is still lying by omission you will not be able to leave it in the past, and neither will she. She knows more than you will ever distill from tons of emails.

You don't want to be questioning 5, 10 or 20 years from now.

I still wonder almost 30 years later if OM1 got something sexual I never did.

Tamat


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> Sorry wrong thread!


Glad I’m not the only one. :grin2:


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I say divorce still. Then date again if you want. Sorry Ansley, but have to be honest. What you did wasn’t just a one night stand. 

Forgiveness yes, stay with someone that could do that, no. 

But you two do what is best for you. FAF if you can forgive her then stay in the marriage. Just Remember part of that is forgetting the past and getting over it. No throwing it in Ansley’s face in the future.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*As usual, late to the party, but a confession of having had sex with him of only three times? That's "deception-speak" and "trickle-truth" for about 300!

You need her like you need a hickey on a hemorrhoid!

If you're not already in dialogue with a good family law attorney, @FarAwayFuture ~ then you damn well should be!*


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Whoa!

Ansley - you really should stick to your own thread and let your husband have his private place.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

FarAwayFuture - you need to answer this honestly: Did you beat your wife up? Regularly over some period ? And if you did, are you blaming it on your depression, medication, illness or whatever ?

This needs to be addressed because nothing else can be addressed until this is. So what is the truth here ?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

manfromlamancha said:


> FarAwayFuture - you need to answer this honestly: Did you beat your wife up? Regularly over some period ? And if you did, are you blaming it on your depression, medication, illness or whatever ?
> 
> This needs to be addressed because nothing else can be addressed until this is. So what is the truth here ?


THANK YOU

Its disturbing how this has been glossed over


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

You need to get serious marriage counseling. And you need to be treated for your abusive past. This is not something that just goes away on its own. I know you have told her it won’t happen again but I do not believe that. If you so much as graze her in anger I hope she leaves you. 

But if you get the help you need and she does what is necessary to regain your trust I hope for the sake of your children you can find your way back to a happy hrlealthy marriage. 

But as of now you are the equivilent of an ISIS militant and I have told Ansley it is highly unlikely you will ever change. Maybe not today or next week or next month but eventually you will be back to beating her again. I can only hope and pray I am wrong.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

The fact that both their threads went silent after direct questions about physical abuse makes me nervous.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I can guaranty you she is still sitting in fear of more beatings. Just like the saying once a cheater always a cheater, well once an abuser always an abuser. 

I would love to hear if all the people who have responded with congratulations and praise still feel the same way.


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

First and foremost....I DO NOT BEAT MY WIFE. I am not some drunk, wife beating, crazy. Why she decided to mention abuse but not specify or go into detail is beyond me. It leaves a lot to be questioned.

We had arguments over some years where they would get very heated. Very! This stemmed primarily after my diagnosis of MS(my own hatred of myself taken out on my wife) and after the initial EA was discovered by me. She never would come clean and I always knew what she had done but she wouldn't admit it. I began to harbor all kinds of negative emotions towards her. Anger, resentment, betrayal, etc. Arguments could get to the point that things get thrown, shoving matches, doors slammed and broken....a bowl of soup...... It was few and far between but unfortunately it did happen. It's not something I am proud of at all and it eats me alive knowing we could allow things to get to that point. While some arguments I would initiate the abuse, there were many where she would too. It was very much a two way street, although I am definitely more at fault. I own that and it is a big disappointment for me, in myself, that I am capable of such anger.

I do have an anger problem, I am well aware, and I let small things get to me, but I don't take it out on my wife on some regular basis.....come here honey, time for your weekly beating!.....not saying what transpired was ok. It was far from, but I have to say a different picture is being painted as to what "happened" vs. what happened. Again, I don't know why she didn't go into better detail. I encourage her, if she reads this to respond. 

There is no reason for anybody to be nervous or worry. She is perfectly fine. She has been busy at work and is now sick. Our daughter caught something and passed it right along to mom. I don't know why she hasn't responded to her thread. As for me....i just don't get on this site everyday. This site can almost be a "trigger" for me at times. I do hope everybody can understand we are going through the hardest, sh#$iest times in our life right now. We are both not proud of our situations and actions.


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

dreamer2017 said:


> MOD or Administrator,
> 
> Please stop happyhusband00 from attacking in this forum. Happyhusband00 has continued to attack Faraway in this string and his wife string. This abuse have got to stop. We are here to help and not cause additional abuse!!!!!
> 
> Dreamer



Thank you for always being so kind! Even on my wifes thread. I mean it....I do truly appreciate it!!!!


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## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

There is no difference in what your wife posted on her thread then what she did to you in real life. Blameshift. That was the fakest remorseful thread I have ever read. And they had sex over 30 times?

She is a bad one. It would be best to polygraph for other affairs.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

FarAwayFuture said:


> First and foremost....I DO NOT BEAT MY WIFE. I am not some drunk, wife beating, crazy. Why she decided to mention abuse but not specify or go into detail is beyond me. It leaves a lot to be questioned.
> 
> We had arguments over some years where they would get very heated. Very! This stemmed primarily after my diagnosis of MS(my own hatred of myself taken out on my wife) and after the initial EA was discovered by me. She never would come clean and I always knew what she had done but she wouldn't admit it. I began to harbor all kinds of negative emotions towards her. Anger, resentment, betrayal, etc. Arguments could get to the point that things get thrown, shoving matches, doors slammed and broken....a bowl of soup...... It was few and far between but unfortunately it did happen. It's not something I am proud of at all and it eats me alive knowing we could allow things to get to that point. While some arguments I would initiate the abuse, there were many where she would too. It was very much a two way street, although I am definitely more at fault. I own that and it is a big disappointment for me, in myself, that I am capable of such anger.
> 
> ...


FAR, I appreciate the explanation, and it does sound like you know that the anger is an issue for you. But I hope you realize that as you work on processing your wife's cheating in counseling you can't ignore this problem. You realize that the vast majority of men would never put their hands on a woman, no matter what. Think of the old video of Beyonce's sister attacking JayZ in an elevator. When she was swinging away and he just stood there letting her hit him. The fact your anger reached the point of shoving and throwing things is a problem you have within yourself which, whether you are able to reconcile things with her or not, you need to address head on. 

I have been really upset by both of these threads because you cannot address one without the other. And the reality is if a man hurts a woman once he will do it again. Sometimes it appears some posters want to focus only on the cheating and not address other major issues that prevent a relationship from ever reaching a healthy point. My guess is with these two issues your relationship needs at the very least a separation. You need to work on yourself and she needs to work on her self, you both need counseling to deal with what in you individually brought you to this place, and then if you decide to stay together you should have marriage counseling to work on more effective communication. But if your together I would bet a lot on you reaching the point of violence again which will then make it less likely you can fix anything.

And I believe you believe you will never do it again, but statistically speaking without getting help in addressing and dealing with it, you will repeat, even with long term help you need to be vigilant and learn to walkout of the room or house if you feel the anger building past the point of no return. Just as you have received a lot of advice telling you without drastic action she will repeat, the same goes for you. You got an MS diagnoses found out your wife was cheating and then started having fights reaching the point of abuse. These things fester and grow, abusers don't start out with "regular beatings" it always builds to that over years. There's always the points of, I'll never do that again and periods of peace, but more often than not they end up back there. 

So my last piece of advice and then I will leave these threads alone. If you were having these drop down drag out fights that involved physical confrontation and breaking things, you need to keep an eye on the kids psyche. Whether that have said it or not they know and have been affected in some way by it. You should speak to your counselor about how you might go about stemming any damage this has caused them, because it can be profound and lifelong. Many kids who witness abuse grow up to have a very hard time trusting people in relationships and commitment.


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## DjDjani (Feb 10, 2018)

Sorry, I got so angry. This guy is hurting like hell, and he is molesting him. Look OP, I told your wife and I will tell you. You should file for divorce, and stay in house with your wife. Then you start dating other woman, and she has to remain fatefull and she has to fight for you! Than, if you see that she is really committed to win you back, then you stop the divorce and be with your wife. If not, find another woman who will love and respect you. This way you win get back your manhood and you won't resent your wife much any more. This is only real solution. This or divorce her and don't talk to her any more.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

FarAwayFuture said:


> First and foremost....I DO NOT BEAT MY WIFE. I am not some drunk, wife beating, crazy. Why she decided to mention abuse but not specify or go into detail is beyond me. It leaves a lot to be questioned.
> 
> We had arguments over some years where they would get very heated. Very! This stemmed primarily after my diagnosis of MS(my own hatred of myself taken out on my wife) and after the initial EA was discovered by me. She never would come clean and I always knew what she had done but she wouldn't admit it. I began to harbor all kinds of negative emotions towards her. Anger, resentment, betrayal, etc. Arguments could get to the point that things get thrown, shoving matches, doors slammed and broken....a bowl of soup...... It was few and far between but unfortunately it did happen. It's not something I am proud of at all and it eats me alive knowing we could allow things to get to that point. While some arguments I would initiate the abuse, there were many where she would too. It was very much a two way street, although I am definitely more at fault. I own that and it is a big disappointment for me, in myself, that I am capable of such anger.
> 
> ...


I do.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

What were the results of the DNA?

Hope you are ok


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Sex with another man 1 time or 1,000 times - what does the count matter. She betrayed her marriage vows and was deceptive, dishonest, cruel, disrespectful, to her husband while making a mockery of her marriage behind his back. She had no intention of ever telling him.


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## DjDjani (Feb 10, 2018)

She was going to the truck stop for years and had sex wit the truck driver in his truck when ever he was in town! It was probably his favorite route to pass trough this town! She was his in town who. E like Faraway said. And she had a sick husband and little kids at home. How can somebody do that??? That is monstrosity! That level of betrayal is unbearable. Farawayfuture, don't you stay with her because you are sick and afraid of being alone. You will survive this, fight for you! I now what you are thinking right now, and I understand you, but I would rather die alone in some small apartment that to live my days beside such a monster of your wife. The kids will grow up and they will help you in live and with your sickness, so please don't stay with her because you are afraid. I know that you don't love her any more, hell, who could love that woman after all of what she did to you and your family. Divorce her and go find some kind, understanding woman who will spend her days living and respecting you. I wish you all the best in life! If I can help in any way PM me.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

When DJ is right, he is right!!!


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

Got the DNA tests back today. All three of my kids are biologically mine. I really had no doubt, as they are spitting images of each other, but it is nice to have a definite TRUTH in my life right now. Something that I don't have to question.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

I still doing think you are getting full story from your wife.


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## Dutchman1 (Mar 30, 2018)

:banghead:I am a bit older, and I travel a lot for my work, as you can see I live in the Netherlands. 
I travel all over Europe, and fly to several cities where a hertz car is ready. 
On the road during refueling, I see it happen so often that women get into a truck, and then the curtains close. 
It seems terrible to me to be married to such a woman. The mother of my children who is being cared for by a trucker. 
Close curtains, skirt up, string down. 
Fortunately, you did not become ill, and fortunately your children are also your biological children. Three times you were lucky with this, and ... you take the guess with your fourth child. 
The trucker got 15 times in 3 months, which is 1.25 turn per week. True, he got more [email protected] than you. Perhaps you have been stirring in his body juice in the evening? Sorry, 
I could not have that woman around me anymore. 
The film would torture me 100 times a day. 
There are so many good women, I advise you to choose one that goes for you.

good luck

Dutchman1


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