# Am I being selfish to ask for a HJ?



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Yesterday night I asked my wife for a HJ. I have never asked her for one in our 23year relationship. To the best of my recollection she has only ever given me one.She said her arm was tired/sore from doing housework all day. ( she has two arms but I guess that never occurred to her...lol ) It occurred to me but I left it at that. 

This morning we were discussing it lightly and I said I hoped her arm felt better today. She said I was only wishing/hoping that for selfish reasons. I said not really as it was good for the community..I was kidding around. 

So tonight I asked again. Her arm is still sore she said so I pointed out that she actually has another hand and arm on the other side of her body....but no go. Whats up with that? 

Am I being selfish. 

Is there a better way to approach this?


----------



## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

I don't think it's selfish at all. Maybe offer to return the favor


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

lovingsummer said:


> I don't think it's selfish at all. Maybe offer to return the favor


Will do that tomorrow night and report back. Thanks.


----------



## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

Sounds like a lame excuse..she obviously just doesn't like doing it. The return the favour thing would be the way to go I reckon!


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Anomnom said:


> Sounds like a lame excuse..she obviously just doesn't like doing it. The return the favour thing would be the way to go I reckon!


So rather than tell me she doesn't like doing it she prefers to call me selfish in hopes that I'll back down?


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

You could try doing the housework?


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> You could try doing the housework?


Yeah, I just chopped more than a cord of wood. And when she got home tonight I was painting the exterior of the house. That count? Yesterday I fixed the washing machine. I do housework. 

Although I do work around the house I don't expect anything in return. Otherwise I might say "well if I got more sex honey I'd do more dishes" which is what your suggesting only in reverse.

Thanks for the input JCL


----------



## 2b!ornot2be! (Jul 16, 2012)

Don't play the tit for tat game...I for one hate it, but I will lovingly do a HJ, BJ if I know I will also benefit from it later on.... Does she like you going down on her? It's all about mutual understanding, and the willingness to pleasure the other person for the sake of your own pleasure.


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

CanadianGuy said:


> Yeah, I just chopped more than a cord of wood. And when she got home tonight I was painting the exterior of the house. That count? Yesterday I fixed the washing machine. I do housework.
> 
> Although I do work around the house I don't expect anything in return. Otherwise I might say "well if I got more sex honey I'd do more dishes" which is what your suggesting only in reverse.
> 
> Thanks for the input JCL


Woah, ok, ok. Just thought it would be a good idea to remove the excuse to see if it is geniune.


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

No... it's not YOU that is being selfish.

I would stop joking about it.... otherwise she may not take you seriously.....funny that!

One thought...is she confident doing a HJ? You say she's only done it once in all your years together.
It took me years to feel confident doing a HJ..... offer to guide her hand maybe.

Goodluck with this!


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Why ask? Just get her to do it. I just tell my wife "hands off" and walla her hands end up down my pants (after I give her some 'resistance' of course). It just requires getting her in the mood first then you can initiate or make her initiate sexual contact.

And personally I wouldn't even initiate if there ain't anything there, you can kinda tell when a woman just isn't in the mood, and when they are just waiting to be swept off their feet.

So how to get her in the mood? Depends on the woman and on your own talents. For me, I found non-sexual contact can be very sexual in nature, especially when you touch her in a way that makes her want you to touch certain places but you move your hand elsewhere (hence teasing). Combined with flirting/dirty talking/humor I normally worm my way back into my wife's pants even after a big major fight 

You can just make do with flirting/teasing all day, but it normally takes well... ALL DAY. Personally I prefer teasing, it's much easier, crueler but it works hehe.


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

The same argument could be made that she was being selfish by not giving it.


----------



## ShinyNewGuy (Aug 15, 2012)

waiwera said:


> No... it's not YOU that is being selfish.
> 
> I would stop joking about it.... otherwise she may not take you seriously.....funny that!
> 
> ...


That was my thought as well. She might think she's going to be really bad at it. My wife also took a long time to get any good at it. I wasn't much of a fan of HJs until she did get good at it. Now, she can give me an intense orgasm with her hand that rivals sex sometimes.


----------



## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

I ask for HJs and the like when she wants to go and keep saying no to sex. I need to get off and jerking off all the time shouldnt be the norm, especially when you're married. So if she wants to keep putting things off, then I ask for other stuff. Not an ounce of guilt. Does SHe feel guilty because I'm so horny and neglected sexually ?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Could you suggest that her mouth doesn't seem too tired? Or is it an HJ in particular you're seeking?


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

2b!ornot2be! said:


> Don't play the tit for tat game...I for one hate it, but I will lovingly do a HJ, BJ if I know I will also benefit from it later on.... Does she like you going down on her? It's all about mutual understanding, and the willingness to pleasure the other person for the sake of your own pleasure.


is it just me or is this tit for tat?


I will lovingly do a hand job or BJ if it benfits me later!


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> is it just me or is this tit for tat?
> 
> 
> I will lovingly do a hand job or BJ if it benfits me later!


Nothing wrong with that. 








_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

No, not being selfish.

I'm amazed at the excuses people come up with. Sore arms from housework??? Maybe sore arms from lifting heavy weights.

I feel bad for you.


----------



## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

I'm wondering how/when/where he asked. I'm very sexual, but if I'm busy doing something or pre-occupied, I can't change gears that fast. Warm me up for a good 10 seconds before proceeding and I'm good. In general guys can go from 0-60, but we women don't. We are responsive not spontaneous. If you really want to get her mojo going, start wooing her in the morning for the evening. Works for me, anticipation.


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I would bet money her arm didnt hurt or was sore..Im sure its more about her feeling awkward that you even asked her that suddenly after what ?Quarter of a century out of the blue for something she has never done before..it took her off guard and she came up with an excuse instead of being honest..As to the "other arm" ESPECIALLY if she isnt accustomed or "practiced" at that it would be even MORE awkward to use your weaker non dominant hand/arm.I have difficulty using my non dominant arm /hand for anything requiring finer detail or coordination not to mention that arm is just weaker physcially..

Having said that..I think the "selfish remark" wasnt that you asked for a HJ..but your motivation for wanting to 'help aroudn the house wasnt just to do somethign nice it was in expectation of getting that in return ..IOW you werent offering to just help her ..you were offering in a sense to help YOUR SELF..

If you want her to be direct and not play a game then you should stop joking and just say serioulsy..please dont insult my intelligence I dont think your arm is too sore or tired..Is that just something you dont want to do ?If so why?

She in fact could be worried she has no idea how to do it right..or even the fact thats the kind of thing you are just layed back "watching her' maybe she thinks she would look weird because you would be in the 'position " to just be "observing " the act..It could very well just feel intimidating to out of the blue be asked to perform a sex act after 20 something years she has never attempted or mastered on the spot like that..

Ya'll need to have an "adult' conversation about it with her being given the lee way to be honest without HER being called the selfish one becasue the idea actually makes her feel uncomfortable..Its not selfish to ask ..but it is selfish to immediately demonize her and not consider her true feelings about it ...so that would be my aim if I were you asking her to be hones and get her real feelings but Im telling you its not her "arm is tired"..


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> So rather than tell me she doesn't like doing it she prefers to call me selfish in hopes that I'll back down?


How do you react when she attempts to shame you into backing off? If you defend/explain why you don't think you're selfish, or if you get all hurt and pizzy...you FAIL. I've dealt with stuff like this for years, and I used to do the dumb shyte I listed above. 

Eff that. Now, I'll reply with a c*cky smile, "Yes, I am selfish, and I still want that HJ." If she still says no, I'll reply, "Okay, I'll take care of it myself." I then STFU and walk off. That usually makes her come running after me.


----------



## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

johnnycomelately said:


> You could try doing the housework?


that is a bunch of CRAP!!


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I wouldnt "do the housework" either..She already knows its not because you really care IF her arm is sore or tired you care that you want a HJ ...thats just going to piss her off..

Say "seriously" are you MENTALLY uncomfortable doing that?(Im telling you thats what it is)...

Maybe you can "coax" her into "learning" how to do it in an enviroment that makes her comfortable like in very low light..with YOU guiding her hand so she doesnt feel like shes in the "spot light" on her own doing something she has NO IDEA how to do "right" for you ....


----------



## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I've asked a handful (so to speak) of times, and my wife flat out tells me she'd rather not because she "doesn't get anything out of it". 

The correct response would be "yeah, but I do" with a grin, but I can't bring myself to give a crap one way or the other.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> Yesterday night I asked my wife for a HJ. I have never asked her for one in our 23year relationship. To the best of my recollection she has only ever given me one.She said her arm was tired/sore from doing housework all day. ( she has two arms but I guess that never occurred to her...lol ) It occurred to me but I left it at that.
> 
> This morning we were discussing it lightly and I said I hoped her arm felt better today. She said I was only wishing/hoping that for selfish reasons. I said not really as it was good for the community..I was kidding around.
> 
> ...


This sounds so...non-sexy. 

Did you just go to bed and ask for it out of the blue? Was there any sort of warm-up? Flirting and teasing during the evening, kissing, touching? 

I'm guessing it had nothing to do with her arm hurting, but more to do with not wanting sexual activity. So pointing out she has another arm...well...that's not sexy or seductive either. That just pushes her further away.



40isthenew20 said:


> I ask for HJs and the like when she wants to go and keep saying no to sex. I need to get off


"Put out because I need to get off" is also not sexy or seductive. Nor does it express that need for love and closeness that married men say they get from sex with their wives. This also makes women who are already LD even less interested in sex.


----------



## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

I wouldn't use the word "mental" or any variation of it.

I second (or third, or fourth) the notion that she's just uncomfortable doing it or weirded out that you are suddenly asking for it after so many years.

She could also actually think you're being selfish - in that you don't want her to enjoy herself, you just want a quick HJ.

I don't know what advice to give you, other than to talk to her about it, explain why you want it, etc. Talking about it is usually the best answer. I always only asked for those when the better options were off the table.


----------



## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

GTdad said:


> I've asked a handful (so to speak) of times, and my wife flat out tells me she'd rather not because she "doesn't get anything out of it".
> 
> The correct response would be "yeah, but I do" with a grin, but I can't bring myself to give a crap one way or the other.


You could tell her that she gets to make you happy.


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

thunderstruck said:


> How do you react when she attempts to shame you into backing off? If you defend/explain why you don't think you're selfish, or if you get all hurt and pizzy...you FAIL. I've dealt with stuff like this for years, and I used to do the dumb shyte I listed above.
> 
> Eff that. Now, I'll reply with a c*cky smile, "Yes, I am selfish, and I still want that HJ." If she still says no, I'll reply, "Okay, I'll take care of it myself." I then STFU and walk off. That usually makes her come running after me.


I too used to deal with this by pouting. Getting hurt and pizzy for the next day or two. This never worked. Just made me look weak and needy in her eyes.

Now when I get turned down, I do one of two things:

1) I don't give up too easy. I slow down and hold her. Maybe rub her shoulder or neck that are usually sore. She often comes around if I am patient.
2) If she makes it obvious that she doesn't want me to hold her at all, then I let it go. Just roll over and go to sleep. I don't pout. I wake up cheery and treat her like nothing happened. Sometimes she is good to go in the morning. Most often not, so I make sure to try again that evening.

I have found that if I am direct and confident, then she is more responsive. If I pout or complain, she only gets colder.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

My wife tries to start me up with a HJ sometimes. But she's horrible at it . It's hard to stay up and I kind of cringe when she does it. But I don't really say anything because I know she's trying and don't want to set her back. Sometimes I just say gentle please.


----------



## Minuit à Paris (Sep 3, 2012)

The most important thing is that you know you are not being selfish. Your wife is the only person you can ask for this, and you have asked and she has tried to make you feel like some sort of perv. 

She has done this not because she believes you are a perv but because she can't be bothered giving a hj. 

You are justified in being annoyed, now you have to try and open up the lines of communication with her so you are both on the same page.
Ask her why she doesn't want to do this? And go from there.


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

All great responses. Thanks. Initially we were hugging on the bed. She was on top of me. I knew she didn't want to have sex because of that time of the month but I also felt she was feeling loving towards me and we were connecting. 

To: dallasapple - I will say again I do not do things in expectation of sex. I do them to make her happy and to be a good role model for my kids. 

Personally I think it she called me selfish because I think she feels she doesn't get anything out of it. ie- it's a sex act with no sexual pleasure for her. All give, no get. I believe she called me selfish in an attempt to put me down so I would back off. She has not asked why I want one. 

She is not shy, if she didn't know how to do it she would ask. 
She get's oral from me 99% of the time we have our infrequent sex. I do not receive BJs from her. 

It occurred to me this morning as I was throwing a ball for the dog to chase. My arms tired..lol. Then I thought what do I get out of this? It makes my dog happy and we bond. So in that regard I get pleasure from making her happy. It has no other benefits for me except maybe my arm gets a little exercise. To my way of thinking though the bonding and making her happy are totally worth it. 

Edit: I did not get pizzy or pouty or angry or upset or passive aggresive.


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Stop giving her oral. Tell her you get nothing out of it.


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> Stop giving her oral. Tell her you get nothing out of it.


JCL - That's not true though, I do. I get to turn her on in a big way and call me weird but I find that exciting.


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

CanadianGuy said:


> JCL - That's not true though, I do. I get to turn her on in a big way and call me weird but I find that exciting.


Me too, that is the problem if you are a horny dog. I tried to deny my wife sex once, as a childish bit of vengeance, and I lasted less than three minutes. 

In all seriousness though, no BJs, no HJs...she is a little selfish. If there was something that my wife dug on that did nothing for me I would still do it.


----------



## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

This is related to something that is common on these boards and ths thread itself, as well as my personal experience. 

It seems that the majority of wives can do the lowest form of sexual contactv(a HJ or an 'assist' on one) to keep their husbands satisfied from being denied sex and it is a chore that does nothing for their mood. 

Call me an a-hole, but if I finger my wife - even with no expectation of sex - especially to orgasm, I'm completely turned on and ready for action even more than my average moment. 

Is it that some women are so non-sexual that even getting their man to shoot a load is as exciting as folding the laundry?


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> This is related to something that is common on these boards and ths thread itself, as well as my personal experience.
> 
> It seems that the majority of wives can do the lowest form of sexual contactv(a HJ or an 'assist' on one) to keep their husbands satisfied from being denied sex and it is a chore that does nothing for their mood.
> 
> ...


Laundry...how hot is that! MMSLP "the L word" .  I read somewhere that having sex on the washing machine during the spin cycle is v good. Never tried that though to many people in the laundry mat at the time ( kidding )


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> Depends on how the (my) man approaches it.
> 
> If it's:
> 
> ...


Okay, I see where your going with this. Nice suggestion. Thanks FrenchFry


----------



## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

Now I'm curious, how can you give a bad/not so good HJ???

Good suggestion frenchfry... I wouldn't be able to turn that down


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

lovingsummer said:


> Now I'm curious, how can you give a bad/not so good HJ???


Something about the way she does it just feel weird. It's kind of rough and causes more pain than pleasure. And she concentrates too much on the tip.

If she were to use some lube it would probably be just fine. But she does it dry.


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

I'm not good at giving hand jobs. I've never been good at them and that usually stops me from doing them more often. But, I'd rather do other things then HJ's anyways, so oh well.


----------



## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Something about the way she does it just feel weird. It's kind of rough and causes more pain than pleasure. And she concentrates too much on the tip.
> 
> If she were to use some lube it would probably be just fine. But she does it dry.


Dry? Yikes... no wonder it hurts  I do some light touch "teasing" when it's dry, I guess I better ask my H if this hurts.

I guess I'm lucky that watching my H do this is a huge turn on for me and he was willing to do it really early in our relationship. It gave me a great chance to watch and learn.


----------



## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> Depends on how the (my) man approaches it.
> 
> If it's:
> 
> ...


My situations are more of this variety:

Me rubbing her neck and back with some soft kisses in those areas. 
Her saying something to the effect of 'oh boy. What do you want now?'
Me saying that I would be nice to have some fun together. 
Her saying that she's tired and for me to get out my cream/baby oil. 

So I have to point the finger at her for again refusing to have sex and then going about the hand job assist (I have to do most of the work but enjoy the help) as if it were a chore.


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

A lot of women feel "unsexy" during that time of the month. 
That extra detail does make a bit of difference, IMO.

One can be tired, feeling gross, crabby, crampy, and not in the mood to "share" oneself.

I would ask another time.


----------



## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

I think it may be best to file this one under the category of:

"If you want to have something done right, do it yourself!" :smthumbup:


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

deejov said:


> A lot of women feel "unsexy" during that time of the month.
> That extra detail does make a bit of difference, IMO.
> 
> One can be tired, feeling gross, crabby, crampy, and not in the mood to "share" oneself.
> ...


That did cross my mind. Good point.


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

CanadianGuy said:


> That did cross my mind. Good point.


hummmm... in our world the HJ and/or BJ are more likely to happen when I have my period. Although I _will_ have intercourse I prefer not to...but I'm always happy for some sexy play-time. 

I'm one of those women who find having an O will lessen cramps and other aches and pains (doesn't work for all women).

BTW I have to ask...what kind of housework has she been doing to have such sore arms? Does she say this with a straight face??


----------



## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

waiwera said:


> hummmm... in our world the HJ and/or BJ are more likely to happen when I have my period. Although I _will_ have intercourse I prefer not to...but I'm always happy for some sexy play-time.
> 
> I'm one of those women who find having an O will lessen cramps and other aches and pains (doesn't work for all women).
> 
> BTW I have to ask...what kind of housework has she been doing to have such sore arms? Does she say this with a straight face??


In our world too  Of course that was when I had periods... so thankful I don't anymore...


----------



## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

I reiterate my point - just ask her.

She may or may not tell you the truth, but if she insists that there's "nothing in it for her" then I would probably just (playfully) stop doing things that don't benefit you. Not in a malicious way, but just to nudge her into seeing things from your point of view.

I'm not necessarily talking about sexual things either - anything that you do "for her enjoyment."

Actually, nevermind. Forget that, just talk to her.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I agree, just talk to her. 

I am in a fairly new relationship and one of the best things is that we talk about things like this, such a foreign thing to me after being in a marriage where communication was at a minimum.

It can be difficult to discuss some things but I have found the best time is when we are cuddling in bed and in the zone. I would not feel so comfortable if he just came up to me outside the bedroom for this type of discussion.

Confidence with certain acts can be an issue but open communication can be a big confidence booster. TBH I find openess and communication to be a big turn on, we tend to laugh together a lot which helps to break the ice, also these type of things need to be discussed in a caring and respectful way. It is not selfish to ask for what you want, it can be very empowering but it must be done in a respectful way.

All the best with this OP


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

YouTube - Louis CK - World's Saddest Handjob


----------



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

40isthenew20 said:


> Call me an a-hole, but if I finger my wife - even with no expectation of sex - especially to orgasm, I'm completely turned on and ready for action even more than my average moment.
> 
> Is it that some women are so non-sexual that even getting their man to shoot a load is as exciting as folding the laundry?


You're not an a-hole. I think most men are turned on by almost any display of female pleasure, even if there is nothing in it for them.

It probably goes back to the old adage that people tend to show attention/love in the same ways they want to receive it.


----------



## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

I am so not sexual during my period. My are horrendous and I feel like c-rap for 4-5 days. I feel like I am a quart low of blood as my mamma used to say. I go to work, I function at home, and that is about it.

Ask her. Tell her what you have said here about how it made you feel.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

In my opionated opionon, shame on any of us women if our men even have to ask!! I could slap myself for the way I used to be, just didn't have his pleasure on my mind. He only asked me ONCE for a HD in 19 long yrs. I happily did it -it is a fond memory. BUt you know what, he could have killed for that a zillion times and I was just off 'clueless" -other things on the brain. I should have gotten the hint that morning, my husband needs me more. We just didn't talk about sex. 

I brought up that memory 3 yrs ago when we broke open talking deeply about or sex lives (something we just never did).... he told me it was so very hard for him to ask me that morning, I cried hearing that. Feeling like I failed him. 

Even the fear of rejection would get to my husband and immobolize him. My God, I am sure happy I didn't use the sore arm excuse!!

I didn't "get it " back then, and I wasn't even LD, so tons of women are just NOT getting how important these acts of pleasure are to a man. 

No, you are not selfish, you are just a MAN.


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> In my opionated opionon, shame on any of us women if our men even have to ask!! I could slap myself for the way I used to be, just didn't have his pleasure on my mind. He only asked me ONCE for a HD in 19 long yrs. I happily did it -it is a fond memory. BUt you know what, he could have killed for that a zillion times and I was just off 'clueless" -other things on the brain. I should have gotten the hint that morning, my husband needs me more. We just didn't talk about sex.
> 
> I brought up that memory 3 yrs ago when we broke open talking deeply about or sex lives (something we just never did).... he told me it was so very hard for him to ask me that morning, I cried hearing that. Feeling like I failed him.
> 
> ...


Thanks SA. How do we get to that place of understanding between us? I've talked about it with her ( not the recent HJ experience though ) . It has only made our sex life more awkward. And yes I've stopped asking/initiating to protect myself from her rejection. It does immobilize me and as I've come to realize from reading and writing on TAM, it has negatively effected all areas of our married life. It was a really big limb to go out on to ask her for that HJ only to be met with rejection. I had to laugh really. I should have seen that coming and just saved myself the bother.


----------

