# What should I do? What a mess.



## sydney2005 (Jul 8, 2012)

Very long story very short. Husband of ten years tells me he has ended a 18 month long affair with a work colleague. He told me about it this time last year (6 wks after I had had our 4th child) and said he would end it and I took him back but he has been back and forth in contact with her every few weeks since then (according to his confessions to me, who knows really right?). Every couple of months he confesses and each time he says he has ended it again (and sends long emails saying he doesn't want to be with her which he shows me. He has done that 3 times now) and I take him back and say I want to work on putting this behind us. But then after a few weeks we have a fight and he becomes distant again. He then eventually tells me he had broken it off but due to the fight he went back with her (implying that it is somehow my fault) but wants to end it now and be with me. This is the sick pattern that has developed over the last year. She, thankfully, is posted due to work in a different state but travels to the city where we live regularly for work training. All their is contact is under cover of work. As they are both in law enforcement I feel like it is impossible to catch them out now. They have an impenetrable cover for their relationship. However, I have seen enough emails from her (keylogger) to know she is not going anywhere. She professes undying love for him and will wait "forever" and is willing to be his mistress etc. etc. She has no children (a full on career woman)and a fiance apparently (learnt this from husband months ago so might be out of date info) who she is still living with but she has told husband that they are not together anymore (yeah, right). His is so taken with her that he seems to believe her.
This is his second affair (first one was much less serious and occurred 6 years ago). He did end that one successfully after a few attempts. Here's my issue: we have 4 very young children (youngest is 1). Husband has been seeing a pastoral counsellor every week for the last 6 months (even while continuing on the affair) and says he is 'fixing' himself. I am home full time with the children. If he moves out we will be bankrupt as we are carrying a lot of debt (due to my not working for the last three years) and his income is not very high as we barely have enough money to buy groceries as it is. When he first revealed the affair a year ago he moved out a couple of times but it was so disruptive to the children and financially disasterous that I decided I had to stop kicking him out and then taking him back. I've vowed to myself that the next time I kick him out I won't take him back. After recovering from having the baby, I finally managed to get myself a good job which will at least cover the childcare costs for 4 children plus a little left over which should come through in a few months (waiting for a security clearance to be completed). I feel like a liar every day. I say I want us to work and I suppose a part of me still does mostly for the sake of the children (he is a good Dad), but I just can't get over the multiple, multiple betrayals and humiliations (too many to go into here) which have occurred over the last year and a half. I am miserable all the time and on constant hyper-vigilance. I have a lawyer on a retainer (paid for by my parents) and a keylogger. Of course he has gotten smarter over the months and now all contact is done via their work so nothing has shown up on it for months except a draft email to his parents which he never sent a few weeks ago that said "the truth is I'm too scared to leave my wife and be with the woman I truly love". The email has really cut me as he is professing undying love for me and telling me he hasn't been in contact with her since February. My heart has been broken so many times over the last year and a half that I am numb. I keep telling myself to calm down and wait until I have started work and and then kick him out. At least then I would be a poverty stricken working single mother (he doesn't want full custody or anything) but probably wouldn't have to file for bankruptcy. The kids are doing better now. They think the crisis is over and mom and dad are back together for good. I still grieve for the childhood we could have given the children if he had not done this. Am I doing the right thing or is there any chance he might change? Should I keep trying to get over this? On a day to day basis we get along well and parent well together. Am I expecting too much to have a husband I can actually trust? What a mess. Not where I ever in my worse nightmares expected to be at this stage of my life.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

That's a tough one, but my gut feeling is that your husband is not going to change. He has been given every chance to change but continues with his old ways. I know you are going through hell. I hope that your parents and other family can help you during this difficult time. I don't know what the answer is for you, but I would venture to say that you should start preparing as much as possible to leave this marriage. Good luck to you.
(Hugs)
LS


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

The biggest problem I see is not just that he is addicted to lying, but that he is also a serial cheater. That and the fact that this second affair is long term. 

The other huge issue is that he works with his affair partner. That is a FAIL and if you read enough posts you'll see that no one ever manages to quit an affair while working with the AP.

At a bare minimum he would need to change jobs. But again, the fact that this isn't the first affair points to his being a very damaged person.

This is just me, but I'd get a babysitter and show up at the counselor's office and tell the counselor what has been going on. I doubt he is telling that person the truth. BUT, you sound like you have done what you can to live life on your own. You have gone far enough down this road that you know in your heart what is best. Realize that children are not learning how to be in loving relationship; the are learning how to live a lie. They are not as dim as you may think and they will sense the truth as they get older. Do you want sons that learn to mistreat their wives this way? Do you want daughters who tolerate emotional abuse as you have? That is what I'd think long and hard about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

He's a serial cheater. Most of them are. You rugswept the first A as is evident from


> This is his second affair (first one was much less serious and occurred 6 years ago). He did end that one successfully after a few attempts


An affair is serious. PERIOD.

I wouldn't give him a second chance.

And he's not a good DAD(not saying he's a bad one), a good DAD wouldn't do anything to break up his family. I'd put a VAR under his office table if had the chance, but spare yourself the pain and leave


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## aeg512 (Mar 22, 2011)

I keep seeing on these boards where the BS says the WS is a "good dad/mother" and i really do not buy into that. Here your H is willing to create a finacial nightmare for his family by having an A. Does he really think you are willing to put up with this forever? From the history you have provided you need to prepare to leave for like others I really doubt if he will ever change and for your own mental health you most likely need to leave the M. You need to remember with the number of children you have, even with you bringing in a check you should be able to get assistance and help with food from the state. You should check into what help is out there, family, your job, and the state and than cut ties.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He's facing zero consequences for his continued cheating and therefore he has zero real motivation to stop seeing her. the same goes for her.

If you can find her fiance, let him know about what she's doing.

Seriously consider exposing this to friends and work as well. 

He had his chance the first round to end it and move on without exposure. Now it's many failed breakups later and he's still cheating.

I'd go with exposure to make the affair harder to continue.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> He has done that 3 times now) and I take him back and say I want to work on putting this behind us.


I'm sorry Sidney, but having your husband cheating on you and then expressing your willingness to "work on it" is not really helpful for your marriage. 

If he is cheating it is him that has to work for it, not the other way around. You are chasing your cheating husband instead of putting him in the doghouse for his behavior. That kind of guy will just keep on doing it. Why should he not? You're willing to "work on it" anyway, aren't you?



> "the truth is I'm too scared to leave my wife and be with the woman I truly love"


Rough thing to read in your position... 

You've made us aware of that financial situation and the problems you have if you kick him out. But you'll make do somehow. If you get custody he will still have to pitch in for expenses. What is the gain/cost situation of having your kids grow in a marriage without real respect and love? 

Divorce seems like the end of the world to some people. But let me tell you, as someone who has to deal with kids (i'm a teacher) everyday, divorced parents can do a good job. Better than most "stay together at all costs" parents actually. 

It may pain them at first, but they are resilient. They will adapt. And they can go through this with minimal damage. 

Golden rule for good parenting i use to say to my colleagues:

Happy couple>Balanced divorced parents sharing custody> Single responsible parent> Unhappy married couple that try to hide it from the kids > Mud slinging divorced parents > Battlerage "stay together although we hate each other" parents > Virtual Orphans (kids that can even have parents but they are simply never there in any meaningful way).

If you can't do the first rank, go for the second.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You need to stop engaging him in this nonsense. Start detaching, implement inmediately the 180: The 180 degree rulesTalk to a lawyer to find out where you stands. Start envisioning a life away from him. He's abusive, emotionaly abusive. When you are ready file for divorce.
He won't change. Ever. Unless cheating is worse for him then being faithfull. Consequences.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

If you plan on divorcing him do it and don't take him back. If you plan on trying to R expose his affair with HR at his job. There really is no third option.


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## sydney2005 (Jul 8, 2012)

I agree with everything said in all the replies. It was reassuring to have objective opinions confirm my perception of things. When I am financially ready I am going to make my move, ie. kick him out for good. In the meantime, I am making his life hell (when the children aren't around) in the hopes that he may just make things easier for me and leave of his own accord.


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