# Why does HE want reassurance???



## Betrayedred (Jun 16, 2013)

So, if you've read My Month of Hell so Far, then you know my story, or part of it. 

WH has cut off contact with OW, I was a part of that. He is trying to take responsibility---not hard enough in my opinion---still resents the "invasion of his privacy," and still lashes out about that sometimes. But I can see that he is making efforts and is starting to re-engage in our marriage. 

Why the heck is he texting me and getting upset if I don't respond right away? Why is he asking me if I still love him? Why is he asking me if we're going to make it? Why is he asking for compliments? Is this the result of cutting things off with OW and my distant attitude towards him? Is it the result of my 180? 

In the past week, I have gone out by myself, gotten my hair and nails done, gotten together with girlfriends, and have stopped coddling him. Is this why he is needing reassurance? I want reassurance. Is this his way of giving it to me? 

Others have gone through this, right?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Because he's selfish and unconcerned with your feelings, only concerned with what he has to lose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Perhaps you should tell him:

I know you want to make this all about you. But you're the one that cheated. Part of that consequence is dealing with the hurt and resentment you created. If you want me to believe that you're remorseful about what you did, you need to start worrying about my feelings instead of yours.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

He knows that you might leave the marriage. The fun is gone, and now he has to pay the piper.

It is ironic that cheaters can do all that they do, and then want to welcome them back with open arms.

Your WH sounds like my WW.

Glad you are taking care of yourself!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

When you are in R, cheaters need things from the BS, in R it has to go both ways. He is asking those things because he too wants assurances and you may not be able to give them at this stage. 

BUT - the "invasiion of privacy" and his reaction is wrong. He has to be an open book for like, FOREVER. Set that in stone.

Encourage him when he does well and tell him what you need. He does need to do the heavy lifting, but he does not need to do everything. 

As I am in R I am finding out sometimes though mistakes (like last night) that we may say things that are really unfair. It does not help, though we are justified.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is scared he might lose you. That you will dump him.

It wasn't supposed to be like this! You weren't meant to find out about his other life.

Now you have he is frightened. Frightened you will dump him, or might harm yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey RED----your H---gets ONE THING FROM YOU---a SECOND CHANCE

I don't know how tuff you were with him him, when Dday--shook out, and you came to some kind of agreement---but here is the way it MUST BE

You tell him---HE GETS NOTHING FROM YOU BUT THE 2ND CHANCE---No reassurance, no nothing----he earns everything back, and when you are ready, you will do what you feel is necessary

You tell him, straight up FACE TO FACE---he does all the heavy lifting---when you say jump---he answers how high----he doesn't need to concern himself with you re-assuring him of ANYTHING

As to privacy---there is NO PRIVACY in a mge---when the 2 of you took vows---YOU BECAME AS ONE, AN OPEN BOOK TO EACH OTHER---he wanted privacy---he should have STAYED SINGLE

Do not coddle this guy----he has to know ACCOUNTABILITY---he has to know, he is never gonna just slide thru this---and most important of all he has to know---IF HE DOESN'T LIKE ANY PART OF HOW YOU ARE HANDLING THIS----HE IS FREE TO FILE FOR D.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> He is scared he might lose you. That you will dump him.
> 
> It wasn't supposed to be like this! You weren't meant to find out about his other life.
> 
> ...


Matt I think you are correct. Last night did not go well for my wife and I and she said if you leave you will still have pain. She said there are times that she wishes she would just die, get cancer, etc. 

When a WS wants to stay in the M and sees the pain they created and watches day by day what the BS goes through I am sure it is unsettling. The uncertainty goes both ways. Will the WS cheat, or are they still involved? Will the BS come to the realization that it is just too much?

So there is work for both parties.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

My WW has told me that she fears me leaving her. Every day she asks me the same three questions:

Do you like me?

Do you love me?

All day?

It's almost ritualistic. Of course I answer yes to all of them.

A while back when she asked me if I was going to leave her one day; I told her that I can't promise anything. But that I'm optimistic and taking things day by day, week by week. Those weeks have stretched into almost two years.

CS's just have to realize that just like for the BS, the marriage will never be the same to them either. And that's as it should be.


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## Betrayedred (Jun 16, 2013)

He and I were just conversing, and he was again, blame shifting. Telling me that it was because I hurt him so badly last year with our separation, and he was afraid it was going to happen again. 

I told him that a weaker woman than I would have broken under the things that have come to light in the past 6 weeks, in addition to my daddy passing away. I let him know again that I am strong enough, that no matter what he chooses---to stay or go, I will be fine and will wish him well. 

He said he wants to dream together again and have a future together. I let him know that that was a nice idea and I looked forward to the time that we were able to do that again. 

I feel frustrated today. As far as boundaries go, he's like a little kid. I place a boundary, and he accuses me of not loving him, of wanting out of our marriage, and tells me that I should just leave him now. I'm that mom that enforces bedtime or bath time and has to deal with the temper tantrum when the kid doesn't get the five, ten more minutes that they wanted. Come on! I'm a flipping therapeutic teacher with two strong willed biological children. I can stick to a boundary and not take it personally. But sheesh. 

Some days, I do just want to give up. Really. He has so many other issues that factor into his EA, and I have lots of tools in my toolbox to deal with the issues---but dang it. I'm smart, sexy, funny, compassionate, caring, strong, and so much more. It frustrates me that he seems to want to continue to be a child instead of a grown up. I already have kids, I don't want my husband to be a kid too. And yet, in order to have him grow up, I have to set the same kind of boundaries that I would for a wayward child!!

I could have a more peaceful life on my own---except for the fact that I am 7 months pregnant with no job, lol!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Betrayedred said:


> and tells me that I should just leave him now.


When a CS tells a BS that; to me, the BS should consider two options.

1) Say "as you wish" and actually leave him.

2) Say "The next time you tell me that, I promise - I will". Then do, if he does.


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## Betrayedred (Jun 16, 2013)

badmemory said:


> When a CS tells a BS that; to me, the BS should consider two options.
> 
> 1) Say "as you wish" and actually leave him.
> 
> 2) Say "The next time you tell me that, I promise - I will". Then do, if he does.


I know. That's gonna have to be my next boundary. Like I said, he's like a kid in this area---telling the parent that they are mean for telling them no and holding them accountable. But he's a grown up and his childhood was a long time ago. If he wants to be a grown up in a marriage, he needs to stop making childish comments. 

I admit that I hate the thought of leaving, due to being pregnant and having to take half of our savings account, if I do leave, to live on until the baby is old enough for me to work...but I also have no problem with getting a hotel room for a week or so while he faces reality.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You can't help but wonder if his cheating wasn't just pushing things to the point where you will pull the trigger. He doesn't have the strength to do it himself, so he pushes the limits of your endurance so that you will do it and it will be 'your fault.'

People with low self-esteem often think they married up and are just waiting for the ax to fall. They don't want it to happen, but they subconsciously sabotage the marriage so that they can finally be put out of their misery of self-doubt and low self-worth. They have a lot of bluster on the outside, but don't feel it on the inside.

Your H has essentially challenged you to leave him by having an affair. If you had left, you would have confirmed his view of himself. You didn't do it, though, so now he is regrouping and needs you to assure and reassure him of something that he has never quite really believed, i.e., that you really think he is good enough for you.


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## Betrayedred (Jun 16, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> You can't help but wonder if his cheating wasn't just pushing things to the point where you will pull the trigger. He doesn't have the strength to do it himself, so he pushes the limits of your endurance so that you will do it and it will be 'your fault.'
> 
> People with low self-esteem often think they married up and are just waiting for the ax to fall. They don't want it to happen, but they subconsciously sabotage the marriage so that they can finally be put out of their misery of self-doubt and low self-worth. They have a lot of bluster on the outside, but don't feel it on the inside.
> 
> Your H has essentially challenged you to leave him by having an affair. If you had left, you would have confirmed his view of himself. You didn't do it, though, so now he is regrouping and needs you to assure and reassure him of something that he has never quite really believed, i.e., that you really think he is good enough for you.


And there you have it! That's exactly what I am struggling with with him! He has as much as told me that I am too good for him, that I am too good to be true, that he will be alone forever if I leave him. 

We are still talking today, and he is saying that he doesn't know that our past won't repeat itself on my end. I am not engaging in bringing up HIS destructive behavior, lol! Instead, I told him that he would have to make that decision on his own. I can't foretell the future, but I have made the changes I needed to to have a healthier marriage with him. If he can't trust or try, that's his decision. He wants to know if I'm going to have post partum depression, and if I do, will I breach boundaries, and when the excuses for MY behavior will stop!!!!:scratchhead: I told him that excuses stop on both of our parts when we take full responsibility for our choices and have a plan for those things to not happen again. He didn't like that. 

Whatever. I am going to put on my cute polka dot swimsuit, snatch my cute 6 year old daughter off of the couch, and go outside to our brand new pool! No sense in sitting around moping or brooding when the sun is out and the pool is full!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

badmemory said:


> When a CS tells a BS that; to me, the BS should consider two options.
> 
> 1) Say "as you wish" and actually leave him.
> 
> 2) Say "The next time you tell me that, I promise - I will". Then do, if he does.


Or option 3, look at them and say: "You ain't gonna be that lucky! You're stuck with me!"


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

badmemory said:


> My WW has told me that she fears me leaving her. Every day she asks me the same three questions:
> 
> Do you like me?
> 
> ...


Some CS's eventually realize that they not only hurt the BS, they've hurt themselves too. They have to live with what they've done, and come to terms with it.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Betrayedred said:


> So, if you've read My Month of Hell so Far, then you know my story, or part of it.
> 
> WH has cut off contact with OW, I was a part of that. He is trying to take responsibility---not hard enough in my opinion---still resents the "invasion of his privacy," and still lashes out about that sometimes. But I can see that he is making efforts and is starting to re-engage in our marriage.
> 
> ...


My wife wanted constant reassurance after I agreed to R. It's because he's afraid you will dump him or have a RA. It's a normal reaction for someone who knows they screwed you over and that there is no way to undo it.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I dealt with it by spelling things out clearly for her.

I told her:
"If I think you are cheating again I'm gone. I won't check, I'll just file. If you work on things with me and give me no reason to doubt then I will try to work on things too."

She makes every effort to make sure I have no doubts, and has stopped asking "Are we going to be ok?"


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## Betrayedred (Jun 16, 2013)

Why did I look OW up on Facebook? I guess I just wanted to see if she was anything compared to me. She's young (21) and pretty. She has a 2 year old and has her body back in shape (fake boobs too, she posted about them). 

I'm still ok. I'm strong. I'm 36. Intelligent. Compassionate. Sexy. Funny. Intuitive. Mature. Redheaded . Respected. I am ME. And if that's not enough for WH, then he can go somewhere else. 

Of course, he's trying this week, since the NC text. But I am still thinking about a VAR in his car. Her facebook posts are depressed this week, which seems promising. He is talking about a future together, starting our own business, stuff like that. Stuff that if I divorced him, he would lose. Sigh. I'm tired and 28 weeks pregnant and a little down tonight.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Betrayedred said:


> Redheaded .


That's all I needed to see. 



Betrayedred said:


> Of course, he's trying this week, since the NC text. But I am still thinking about a VAR in his car.


Splendid idea!


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## blackdiamonds (Jun 26, 2013)

Betrayedred said:


> So, if you've read My Month of Hell so Far, then you know my story, or part of it.
> 
> WH has cut off contact with OW, I was a part of that. He is trying to take responsibility---not hard enough in my opinion---still resents the "invasion of his privacy," and still lashes out about that sometimes. But I can see that he is making efforts and is starting to re-engage in our marriage.
> 
> ...



Because he still hasn't completely understood that HE is the one that has to show the most transparency (no more lies,secrets, sneaking off..and little to no privacy) in the relationship at this point. Also, he feels that because you're doing a 180 and being distant to him that you'll leave him, which is why he needs/wants reassurance from him. But he needs to realize HE is the one that needs to give the reassurance first in the relationship. He has to be the one to demonstrate to you that he truly wants to work things out and that you can trust him again.


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