# Men and Talking About Feelings



## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

How are you ever supposed to have an emotional connection with your husband if he never talks to you about his feelings?? My husband never tells me how he is feeling, even when I ask him when he seems really down..."nothings wrong" in a somber voice.

Is there any way I can get him to start opening up, even just a little bit?

He always tells me "we never talk" but he's the one that never talks to me!! What gives?!

*Sigh*


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

50 views and no advice or opinions??


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Start modeling what you want to see from him. Explain that sharing your worst fears and thoughts with someone is how you build intimacy. Start in the car, so he doesn't have to worry about eye contact. Include not only the feeling you are experiencing (or once experienced), but the thought that triggered it--most people just attach feelings to another person's behavior ("I felt angry b/c she made a snide comment about my shoes."), but in reality, another person's behavior is not the source of our feelings-our thoughts are. So if you can say, "I felt angry when she made a comment about my shoes because I thought others would assume I'm cheap," or whatever, you are really helping him and yourself see that sharing about one another's behavior isn't an attack, but a discussion that lets you each see how the other processes things. He may be very surprised by some of your thoughts, as you will be surprised by some of his. It will also help both of you see your own thought patterns better, too, which you can learn to evaluate and gain more control over your own reactions--wasting a LOT less energy in life. 

So, model, discuss, then insist--the "we are not leaving this table until you tell me why you look so down and we have thoroughly discussed it" kind of thing. When you tell him that this is really important to you and will eat away at the foundation of your marriage over time (because it will), so that it is essential he try if he wants to keep a healthy marriage and make it even better, he should listen. If he doesn't, you need to tell him that his reaction has you thinking he does not value the marriage as you do. If you remain calm and not accusatory, you'll make better progress. You do not want to come across as threatening, but rather as asking for something more-if that is how you feel. If at some point you start to feel his unwillingness to share is a threat to the marriage, you will have to tell him that. And it might become that, but it may not. You won't know until you get there.


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## Skip (Mar 27, 2010)

Sisters has good advice, but I wouldn't do the "insisting part" do tell him how important it is to you though.

I have the same problems as your husband. I think a lot guys are this way. I've found that through this weekend of soul searching, (I received the "I loved but not in love with you letter"), I have no idea what my feelings are or how to communicate them well. I have shut them out for so long, I have no clue. I know that I love my wife, I know that I'm depressed right now and I know I have anger issues. 

The only way we can relate our feeling at the moment is write letters to each other. I haven't figured out yet why I am not able to open up to her or anybody for that matter. Maybe it's a fear of NOT being in control of my emotions which I was taught to be a weakness in a man through my fathers actions. But when you hold everything inside, it has to be released in some way eventually. I would yell at my wife. 

So maybe the letter approach would work for him. It gives me the time to actually sit down and think about what is really going on in my head and heart instead of the "feeling" of being pressured to talk right then and there. I believe it's helping me at the moment.

I hope that I can learn from my past mistakes, it's going to be hard for me, and that eventually I can talk and express my feeling in a healthy and mature way. Good luck to you and your husband.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Some people , men or women , aren't capable of dealing with their feelings and some can't even attempt to deal with another person's honest feelings. Thats why I am seperated. I felt neglected and before going outside of the marriage I told her how she made me feel and what was causing my brain to think about. Well apparently that was the ultimate sin to her and now we are seperated. So be careful what you wish for.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

I'm on the men's thread...hopefully I blend in. = )

Let me know how your attempts turn out. I've tried a number of different things, and I feel as though my hubby just doesn't know how to communicate his emotions. It is a painful process to get him to tell me how he feels, but I do see that he never shares his struggles, hurt with anyone. 

So...you will probably never have those deep conversations with him...not like we have with our girlfriends. Yet there has to be a compromise...there has to be growth on both ends.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The question can be viewed as a trap. It is the kind of question that the asker wants addressed to their satisfaction, rather than the satisfaction of the one questioned. Basically, how are feeling? Is a gateway question. Either our answers aren't satisfactory, or 'how are you feeling?' Isn't really the question you want answered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

Ah, yes...I understand the "trap" theory, I however, am generally concerned when my husband is down and depressed. I'd rather have him tell me his feelings than have him sit alone thinking negative all the time...even though I may not like the answer he gives me. Even if it's something I do that he finds annoying...how can I change the little things about myself if I'm never made aware?? 

And they say women are confusing?!


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

LOL. I don't believe it pertains to one sex or another. I think it more has to do with the individual and their upbringing. Upbringing as far as how they were raised and how they were able to give and receive emotions. Heck go read "the 5 languages of love". Buy him a copy also.


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## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

Maybe he can't talk about it becasue his thoughts pertain to you and doesn't want to piss you off of make the situation worst?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Try to ask the question without asking the question.

I don't know about your husband, but try to do the accounting in your head.

Do you already know that he is unhappy or depressed? Do you know what the causes are? Do you recall a time or a circumstance that distinctly did make him happy?

If you are trying to find out about him - there are lots of ways you can talk around what you want to talk about, and sort of lead him there.

Or just go for shock and awe. If he is moping around, walk in and tell him to take his pants off, you have a "surprise" for him. If that doesn't put a smile on his face and he blows you off - then you have your answer. If he complies, you will be able to get him to talk to you about whatever you want.


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

Well I do know that he can't talk to his parents...because he has never talked to them about feelings before and his family is the type that judges other people...so he hates when people judge him, especially loved ones.

I don't judge him and I never have, if I did...I'd be that nagging b*tch, which I know I'm not.

There are a lot of things bothering him, no job (barely worked 4 months in the past 1.5 years) and has been sitting/moping around at home (I know this is a huge factor), now that he's married he wants to be alone because then there won't be any expectations of him (even though I never mention anything about him not having a job...or how he should have one and why he doesn't go out and get some random job) because I don't want him to feel even more crappy than he does now...I love him. He starts work in May...May couldn't come soon enough...


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Sounds like, after hearing the external factors, that he is probably depressed. It takes the wind out of you...makes you internalize everything, and it becomes VERY hard to express or even deal with feelings. You barely have enough energy for yourself...


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