# Post Divorce relationships-- How do you know?



## Mo42

So, I am not yet divorced. I think about 50 days or so, but when my wife gave me the ILYBINILWY speech, not long after I started reaching out to people I probably should have kept in touch with. When I was married I let old friends go and focused on family. 

Anyway, one of those people was a sometimes close friend from college. Turns out she is a single mom of a 10 year old boy and also a teacher about 3 blocks frommy house. 

We never had anything romantic in college-- she actuallly dated one of my roomates in high school and for awhile in college, and that is how we met. I did remember her quite fondly as she is a sweet girl. She gave me a great book of poems when I graduated with a really nice note in it about my future. 

She put a new pic on FB and I sent her a message, she messaged back that she was glad to hear I am back in the area, I said we should meet up, we went out last Friday. Things really clicked. 

She has a ton of the same interests as I do--interests that are important to me and that I have let go from my life in a lot of ways. Interests that not alot of my friends or people I know care alot about. She is really pretty and very very kind. My wife was more of a taker so I went the better part of the last decade kind of begging for any affection, or even just thoughtfulness. 

My issue is that she is not my wife. My wife has not moved out yet, so maybe it is just being around her. I dont know. I do not want to rush anything with the new girl but I feel myself retreating in a way that i dont really get. I think it is b/c of something superficial, that she is physicallly not my wife. Not really sure how to deal with this. The new girl is nothing but supportive and we laugh and relax and talk. I do not know if I can take it to the next level, and she has not pushed it. A big part of me wants that but i am not fully committed to her right now. 

Is the ILYBINILWY (Oct 31)/pending divorce the reason for this? I feel like it is definitely affecting my ability to move here. 

Ok, I know it is too soon. I am going to get that a lot here. Id love to believe that she is not a rebound-- she is someone I have known for nearly 20 years and always cared about. She is not in a situation where she would smother me-- she has her boy and her own things going on (she has 3 nights a week where the boy stays with his dad and i will have my kids 3-4 nights a week). 

Total rant. I do NOT want to talk to her about it, or at least not too in depth. I enjoy our time together and dont want to add some sort of awkward weight to the positive, happy vibe we seem to have when together. 

Thanks for listening....


----------



## RandomDude

Meh, just have fun and dont invest too soon


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Just enjoy the friendship for right now. If it is supposed to be more, then in time it will be.


----------



## Jellybeans

You're going way too fast. 

You already thinking about all these What Ifs and saying she's not your wife and all these other things.

My advice is to slow down, Roadrunner. Get your divorce. Spend some time alone in your head. Be totally honest with this friend telling her that you are NOT divorced and are going through that process right now.

No need to rush, man. You are still married!


----------



## bravenewworld

Pros and cons I've discovered thus far of what I'll call the "rebuild" instead of "rebound" relationship: 

Pros:
-Sex/affection/companionship are an important part of healing 
-Confirmation that "hey, people still like me!" feels great after marriage imploding. 
-It's a really good way to see what you like/don't like in a significant other with fresh eyes. If you're in a good space mentally you'll find yourself taking their inventory in a very positive proactive way. Flip of the coin is if you're in a bad space mentally you'll cling to them like a life raft. 

Cons:
-It's a slippery slope from "just having fun" to "overly involved." 
-Post separation insecurity issues can leave you vulnerable to settling down before you are ready
-If you still have unresolved emotional issues with your ex it's completely unfair to the other person. 

Mo42 only you can decide when you are ready, however, I do see 2 red flags in your post. 

1) Can't see how you can completely detach while living with your ex. You need physical distance + time. Giving yourself total freedom and space from intimate emotional involvements so your mind can clear is really, really, important. 
2) Your issue that she is not your wife. She is not and she never will be. Can you believe how devastated she would be if she knew you thought that? And it will eventually come out - those things have a way of working to the surface. Wait until the fact she's not your ex makes you want to throw a party. Seriously, you'll get there. 

If you care about this woman and don't want it to wind up being a rebound or ending up on a sour note - keep it on the friends level and give yourself time to heal and recover. Meditation, therapy, exercise, coffee with new and old friends - whatever it takes. Wish you peace and blessings on your journey.


----------



## Another Planet

What everyone else said and.....
I did the same thing as you are doing right now. We weren't divorced yet and we were still even living together and I was with an ex GF already. It fizzled out because of my situation was just to crazy among other things. 

What if I would have waited until it was all final maybe things would have been different and we would still be together and made something more out of it.
Really it isn't fair to do that to someone, just think what she is going to be thinking if she really gets attached to you. Your still married to someone, if she invests her emotions into you and you decide to reconcile with your wife she gets hurt. Why would anyone want to chance that. She is your rebound and if you like her so much do you really want to get involved and possibly hurt her?

I tell you from experience WAIT. There is always tomorrow, trust me!!!


----------



## lenzi

As long as she's fully aware of your situation and you aren't making any promises you can't keep then why not go and have some fun?

As everyone has said, this is a rebound, you're not ready to jump into something serious but it sure beats being alone. That's always been my strategy. Not saying it's the best way to go but there sure are benefits.

Besides you know you aren't going to cut this woman off, you're feeling way too good about how things are going. 

Just be honest with her. 

As an aside..

Lots of people on these forums post about how the other man or other woman is a POS because they got involved with a married person. This could be one example where the other woman really isn't a POS, as far as she's concerned the marriage is as good as over and there's nothing wrong with her getting involved with this guy as long as she understands the risks to herself. My 2 cents.


----------



## lenzi

2galsmom said:


> No one said she is a POS, she wants what many want after a divorce and that is companionship and a stop to the pain.


No one referred to the woman referenced in this thread as a POS, I was simply using this story as an example of how people can be labeled as such (by some rather.. trigger happy betrayed forum posters who despise affair partners of any kind) when they've done nothing wrong.


----------



## lenzi

2galsmom said:


> I wish them the best in their learning to cope with the fallout of the destruction of a life, which is essentially what happens in a divorce like it or not.


Whose life is destroyed by the divorce? His, hers, or are you referring to "the life they had together?"

Because divorce doesn't necessarily mean destruction, it can be the start of something better. Much better.


----------



## Mo42

I feel like was not clear on some things. 

This new girl ( who is actually an old friend) not being my wife, specifically my wife-- the actual person i am splitting from-- is a good thing. The idea of WIFE is I guess where I am getting caught up. like I am still married and spending time with her and not my wife. 

Also, I am not reconciling with my wife, so the issue with the new girl and potentially being long term is not going to be an issue with my wife, it is just how to separate the real feelings from just the vulnerability issues and maybe i am just taking comfort b/c divorce is hard. 

As far as waiting, i am not sure how to do that. We do not see each other often as she has her 10 yr old son most days and soon i i will have my kids half the time and our free times will have to match up, but saying, I dont want to see you b/c i think i should wait even though I FEEL like i really would like to see you-- that doesnt feel genuine either. 

I dont know. Confusing. i am enjoying hanging out w/ her and physically we are moving slowly though there is a spark.


----------



## Deejo

You are WAY too up in your head. That's not a bad thing.

So ... here is what is clear;

- You are still married and living with your wife.
- You are afraid of being lonely.
- The fact that another woman has shown interest is always exciting and exhilarating.
- Your emotions are all over the map.
- Seems like you don't want to use this woman as an emotional hand towel.

So, I'll set things straight:

The first woman you involve yourself with post-separation, divorce, IS AND WILL ALWAYS BE a rebound. That may work itself out, or work itself into a tremendous mess. Depends on how willing you are to own your sh!t, and how willing she is to put up with it.

So ... clean up your emotional side of the street. Continue to see her and don't sprint towards the bedroom. Recognize that right now, in this moment you are living through and coping with, that you are NOT good relationship material. There is work to do, your post makes that very, very clear. I'll also say that by virtue of the fact that you are thinking about it ... is healthy.

There is a tremendous impetus for many people to try and shoehorn another stable, comfortable, somewhat similar circumstance to the one they are abandoning; into their life as quickly as possible.

My 2 cents is to feel what it is you need to feel. Sad, angry, lonely ... and recognize that trying to put a surrogate in place to avoid those feelings, almost never, ever, ends well.

If you truly have a spark, that's great. You don't need to second guess everything. Just be honorable, and be honest. This woman is an adult. Tell her the truth and let her make her own choices as well. Realize that you have a very new lifestyle to make sense of and get used to, absent trying to fit someone else into it.

I tried to throw myself into a relationship with a woman fresh out of my separation. It was passionate, exciting, volatile and ultimately crashed spectacularly. After that, I stayed away from dating and relationships for over a year. Decided I had no intention to date until I knew that I didn't need to be dating. In other words, I knew I could live my life quite happily alone.


----------



## Mo42

Thanks Deejo. 

Can you be more specific when you say 'clean up your emotional side of the street'? Also, I have heard the phrase 'clean, clean, observe, enjoy'. Any tips on what these mean and how to put them into practice are appreciated.


----------



## Deejo

Mo42 said:


> Thanks Deejo.
> 
> Can you be more specific when you say 'clean up your emotional side of the street'? Also, I have heard the phrase 'clean, clean, observe, enjoy'. Any tips on what these mean and how to put them into practice are appreciated.


Recognize where you are emotionally.

Are you still overly, emotionally invested in your wife?
Have you dealt with and feel that you understand the reasons which precipitated the end of the marriage?

I'll emphasize the bit about not knowing what your new life is going to look like. 

Having someone as an emotional backstop can be tremendously comforting. You simply need to be aware of what it is that you want, and ... understand what they want.

Be open and honest, with yourself and with this woman. Be aware of projecting. 
Come up with a code of conduct for yourself. How do you see yourself? How do others see you? What kind of man do you want to be? What kind of father? What kind of lover?

I'm not kidding. 

A few very simple tenets of mine:

Take Responsibility
Be Honorable
Be Decisive
Do No Harm

Many people may look at these and say, "Well of course you should do, and be those things ..."
It's a bit different when you write them down, can look at them, and virtually each and every day review whether or not you are keeping to them.

You can either let the circumstances of your life carry you downstream according to the whim of the current or you can choose to take responsibility and navigate those waters at your discretion. And when you hit a rock, or run aground, you own it, correct it, learn from it, and adjust.


----------



## Mo42

Thank you Deejo. Great insight. 

I do not think I am overly invested in my wife. I think I pretty much accepted it right away. At this point I am just waiting for her to move out. We are exploring the dynamics of co parenting and now that the holidays are over trying to find the best way to tell the kids (2 year old wont get what we are saying but 6 yo girl will be difficulte).


Some positives about the 'new' girl (who I actually met 20 years ago in college)

-she has a 10 year old boy and has only 3 nights a week, and even then she still runs him around on those nights sometimes, so she doesnt have a ton of time to spend-- at least not an every day thing

-she is a sweet and strong person-- I knew this years ago when we were friends and now she has raised this boy pretty much on her own until recently, b/c the boy is ten and needs his father more, he spends 3 nights instead of 2 with him

-she has many of the same values and interests and loves as me- many of which are the things that i lost in my marriage, the things i had passion for that I let fall out of my life

-she understands my situation, she is supportive and does not appear threatened-- if this were not romantic she would be the perfect person to have close as her perspective is spot on and extremely helpful

I guess my biggest fear is that it might be a rebound and i dont know it. By rebound, the typical definition meaning just a fling and short lived.


----------



## Deejo

Sex can certainly complicate things. I'm presuming your circumstances are already complicated.

Just be honest. You don't have to worry about what this is at all, particularly if she is grounded and truly does understand your situation, or if she's just paying you lip service.

If she chooses to involve herself with you, given what you are going through, she has no one to blame but herself.

Just enjoy the ride, don't worry about where it's going or how long it's going to be.


----------



## Oldfaithful

Divorce is such a chaotic upheaval. Have you started the legal part yet? 
Even people who quickly go into a new relationship have to go through the grieving process. Even if you hate your ex, you still have to grieve. 
Dont think because you find a new love that you won't have to feel the hurt, regret, loss, anger and confusion. Do you want this woman to have to go through that with you?


----------



## Mo42

We have filed for divorce, min 90 days and we are not going to court. My wife is hopefully moving out Feb 1 and I do not hate her, but I do want her out so I can move on. 

This woman is very aware of the situation. She has a 10 year old son and rarely dates. We are both cognizant of the perils, though I do believe I am in a good place emotionally right now. 

We ARE taking it slow-- we have no choice-- she has her boy most days and i will have mine 3-4 days/nights a week, so at this point we do not see each other often. 

How do you stop your feelings for someone? How to you even know what is what if you COULD stop your feelings?


----------



## Mo42

Deejo said:


> Sex can certainly complicate things. I'm presuming your circumstances are already complicated.
> 
> Just be honest. You don't have to worry about what this is at all, particularly if she is grounded and truly does understand your situation, or if she's just paying you lip service.
> 
> If she chooses to involve herself with you, given what you are going through, she has no one to blame but herself.
> 
> Just enjoy the ride, don't worry about where it's going or how long it's going to be.


Agreed. We had one talk about it, made things clear-- we like each other but she knows I have to navigate my feelings through the divorce--her words so she is keenly aware of the difficulty-- but she enjoys being with me and is very good with me. I think after making these things clear we both feel like we just want to enjoy it and not talk about it, over think it, confuse it. 

The plus, at this point, is her focus on her child and my focus on mine. We have a hard time spending time together, maybe once a week at this point due to my situation.


----------



## Jellybeans

Mo42 said:


> How do you stop your feelings for someone? How to you even know what is what if you COULD stop your feelings?


I'm afraid you can't. 

Attraction and "feelings" are a funny thing. They are completely irrational and illogical.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

Mo42 said:


> Agreed. We had one talk about it, made things clear-- we like each other but she knows I have to navigate my feelings through the divorce--her words so she is keenly aware of the difficulty-- but she enjoys being with me and is very good with me. I think after making these things clear we both feel like we just want to enjoy it and not talk about it, over think it, confuse it.
> 
> The plus, at this point, is her focus on her child and my focus on mine. We have a hard time spending time together, maybe once a week at this point due to my situation.


I'm going to say this after going through it myself, you have no idea how fvcked up you are in the head. You will see it in a year when you turn around and look. Leave the girl alone for now.


----------



## Mo42

Dedicated2Her said:


> I'm going to say this after going through it myself, you have no idea how fvcked up you are in the head. You will see it in a year when you turn around and look. Leave the girl alone for now.


You know, you might be right, but it sounds like you are telling me to put my life on hold, walk around as if I do not see or want to talk to women. Ignore the possibility of relationships for a year or so. Not really sure how long cause you dont say. If something comes along and you have feelings you just say no thanks i am going to hang out and maybe we will meet up in x amount of time? 

I like deejos advice a hell of a lot better. Not only do I live my life, specifics on how to handle things.


----------



## Jellybeans

I think what Dedicated meant is that your head is probably still a mess from the divorce/end of your marriage and also leaping headfirst into another big-time relationship (I say big-time because you are living together). 

You are a man. You are going to notice women. That is normal. 

But if you are really feeling this was too fast and it's too much too fast (I sure as heck would), then you owe it both yourself and your girlfriend to be honest with yourself. It's not fair to either of you to continue to stay in a relationship that you are not ready for.


----------



## angelpixie

Jellybeans said:


> I think what Dedicated meant is that your head is probably still a mess from the divorce/end of your marriage and also leaping headfirst into another big-time relationship (*I say big-time because you are living together*).
> 
> You are a man. You are going to notice women. That is normal.
> 
> But if you are really feeling this was too fast and it's too much too fast (I sure as heck would), then you owe it both yourself and your girlfriend to be honest with yourself. It's not fair to either of you to continue to stay in a relationship that you are not ready for.


Just to clarify, OP's not living with his gf, he's still in the house with his STBXW. He's only seeing the gf about once a week, he said.


----------



## browneyes74

As someone who has BEEN this GF, I would also say, slow it down, figure yourself out.. 

My STBXH and I were introduced b/c we were both going through a divorce.. Mine was a short disastrous marriage, his a 10 year marriage with kids.. His exwife cheated, it was filled with a lot of drama and contention.. 

I remember how much of our early life was tainted by that drama and controversy.. I remember dinners ruined as "the kids" called to talk to him and then he fought in the parking lot while i waited in the restaurant for 20 minutes and the wait staff asked if my date abandoned me (yes, that really happened). And that was almost a YEAR after they filed and moved out from each other.. 

Having to listen to him endlessly hash and rehash what was wrong with his exwife.. 


We made it to 10 years ourselves.. I'm beginning to see that it wasn't a fluke, but a pattern with him, that he's trying to recreate his parents marriage and breakdown over and over again, but that's a separate issue.. 

HOWEVER, he cheated on me.. Why? B/c we had "problems" in our marriage. And then supposedly, he hooked up with some chick and a bar and started staying with her immediately, and "officially" moved in 11 days later when we filed for divorce.. 

It screams the same thing.. And now he's tainting this new relationship with our divorce.. Of course, he's blaming all his damage on ME this time, with no sense of responsibility for the downfall of the marriage on him, but she's lapping it up.. 

He's just repeating the same patterns in his life, over and over again.. Chances are, I personally think, when you jump into something quickly, that you are somehow replacing the old bad thing with a different version of the same, NEW bad thing.. Something to think about.. 

I certainly did. I replaced one man who wanted me to be responsible for his life, do everything for him and all the work, for another, who was just better at hiding it and selling me the story.. 

This time, I'm going to work on me, figure out what MY issues are, that led me to choose this type of person, what caused my choices in the marriage, and stop my codependency tendencies that happened in this marriage before finding someone new. 

I heard once on a radio show that "like attracts like" That damaged attracts damaged.. And looking back at my husband and me, I see it. My damage was temporary though, while his is permanent.. This time, I want to make myself healthy, so that I attract someone healthy.. 

My advice to you would be to do the same.


----------



## Jellybeans

angelpixie said:


> Just to clarify, OP's not living with his gf, he's still in the house with his STBXW. He's only seeing the gf about once a week, he said.


Oops! I confused this thread with another. 

Still I think the OP should slow down. Get divorced and not get into anything else serious in the interim.


----------



## Conrad

browneyes74 said:


> As someone who has BEEN this GF, I would also say, slow it down, figure yourself out..
> 
> My STBXH and I were introduced b/c we were both going through a divorce.. Mine was a short disastrous marriage, his a 10 year marriage with kids.. His exwife cheated, it was filled with a lot of drama and contention..
> 
> I remember how much of our early life was tainted by that drama and controversy.. I remember dinners ruined as "the kids" called to talk to him and then he fought in the parking lot while i waited in the restaurant for 20 minutes and the wait staff asked if my date abandoned me (yes, that really happened). And that was almost a YEAR after they filed and moved out from each other..
> 
> Having to listen to him endlessly hash and rehash what was wrong with his exwife..
> 
> 
> We made it to 10 years ourselves.. I'm beginning to see that it wasn't a fluke, but a pattern with him, that he's trying to recreate his parents marriage and breakdown over and over again, but that's a separate issue..
> 
> HOWEVER, he cheated on me.. Why? B/c we had "problems" in our marriage. And then supposedly, he hooked up with some chick and a bar and started staying with her immediately, and "officially" moved in 11 days later when we filed for divorce..
> 
> It screams the same thing.. And now he's tainting this new relationship with our divorce.. Of course, he's blaming all his damage on ME this time, with no sense of responsibility for the downfall of the marriage on him, but she's lapping it up..
> 
> He's just repeating the same patterns in his life, over and over again.. Chances are, I personally think, when you jump into something quickly, that you are somehow replacing the old bad thing with a different version of the same, NEW bad thing.. Something to think about..
> 
> I certainly did. I replaced one man who wanted me to be responsible for his life, do everything for him and all the work, for another, who was just better at hiding it and selling me the story..
> 
> This time, I'm going to work on me, figure out what MY issues are, that led me to choose this type of person, what caused my choices in the marriage, and stop my codependency tendencies that happened in this marriage before finding someone new.
> 
> I heard once on a radio show that "like attracts like" That damaged attracts damaged.. And looking back at my husband and me, I see it. My damage was temporary though, while his is permanent.. This time, I want to make myself healthy, so that I attract someone healthy..
> 
> My advice to you would be to do the same.


Bravo


----------



## ReGroup

browneyes74 said:


> As someone who has BEEN this GF, I would also say, slow it down, figure yourself out..
> 
> My STBXH and I were introduced b/c we were both going through a divorce.. Mine was a short disastrous marriage, his a 10 year marriage with kids.. His exwife cheated, it was filled with a lot of drama and contention..
> 
> I remember how much of our early life was tainted by that drama and controversy.. I remember dinners ruined as "the kids" called to talk to him and then he fought in the parking lot while i waited in the restaurant for 20 minutes and the wait staff asked if my date abandoned me (yes, that really happened). And that was almost a YEAR after they filed and moved out from each other..
> 
> Having to listen to him endlessly hash and rehash what was wrong with his exwife..
> 
> 
> We made it to 10 years ourselves.. I'm beginning to see that it wasn't a fluke, but a pattern with him, that he's trying to recreate his parents marriage and breakdown over and over again, but that's a separate issue..
> 
> HOWEVER, he cheated on me.. Why? B/c we had "problems" in our marriage. And then supposedly, he hooked up with some chick and a bar and started staying with her immediately, and "officially" moved in 11 days later when we filed for divorce..
> 
> It screams the same thing.. And now he's tainting this new relationship with our divorce.. Of course, he's blaming all his damage on ME this time, with no sense of responsibility for the downfall of the marriage on him, but she's lapping it up..
> 
> He's just repeating the same patterns in his life, over and over again.. Chances are, I personally think, when you jump into something quickly, that you are somehow replacing the old bad thing with a different version of the same, NEW bad thing.. Something to think about..
> 
> I certainly did. I replaced one man who wanted me to be responsible for his life, do everything for him and all the work, for another, who was just better at hiding it and selling me the story..
> 
> This time, I'm going to work on me, figure out what MY issues are, that led me to choose this type of person, what caused my choices in the marriage, and stop my codependency tendencies that happened in this marriage before finding someone new.
> 
> I heard once on a radio show that "like attracts like" That damaged attracts damaged.. And looking back at my husband and me, I see it. My damage was temporary though, while his is permanent.. This time, I want to make myself healthy, so that I attract someone healthy..
> 
> My advice to you would be to do the same.


Top 10 Post of 2013

Late entry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mo42

browneyes74 said:


> As someone who has BEEN this GF, I would also say, slow it down, figure yourself out..
> 
> My STBXH and I were introduced b/c we were both going through a divorce.. Mine was a short disastrous marriage, his a 10 year marriage with kids.. His exwife cheated, it was filled with a lot of drama and contention..
> 
> I remember how much of our early life was tainted by that drama and controversy.. I remember dinners ruined as "the kids" called to talk to him and then he fought in the parking lot while i waited in the restaurant for 20 minutes and the wait staff asked if my date abandoned me (yes, that really happened). And that was almost a YEAR after they filed and moved out from each other..
> 
> Having to listen to him endlessly hash and rehash what was wrong with his exwife..
> 
> 
> We made it to 10 years ourselves.. I'm beginning to see that it wasn't a fluke, but a pattern with him, that he's trying to recreate his parents marriage and breakdown over and over again, but that's a separate issue..
> 
> HOWEVER, he cheated on me.. Why? B/c we had "problems" in our marriage. And then supposedly, he hooked up with some chick and a bar and started staying with her immediately, and "officially" moved in 11 days later when we filed for divorce..
> 
> It screams the same thing.. And now he's tainting this new relationship with our divorce.. Of course, he's blaming all his damage on ME this time, with no sense of responsibility for the downfall of the marriage on him, but she's lapping it up..
> 
> He's just repeating the same patterns in his life, over and over again.. Chances are, I personally think, when you jump into something quickly, that you are somehow replacing the old bad thing with a different version of the same, NEW bad thing.. Something to think about..
> 
> I certainly did. I replaced one man who wanted me to be responsible for his life, do everything for him and all the work, for another, who was just better at hiding it and selling me the story..
> 
> This time, I'm going to work on me, figure out what MY issues are, that led me to choose this type of person, what caused my choices in the marriage, and stop my codependency tendencies that happened in this marriage before finding someone new.
> 
> I heard once on a radio show that "like attracts like" That damaged attracts damaged.. And looking back at my husband and me, I see it. My damage was temporary though, while his is permanent.. This time, I want to make myself healthy, so that I attract someone healthy..
> 
> My advice to you would be to do the same.


I gotta say this sounds NOTHING like what I am going through. I hung out w/ the new girl saturday for the first time in nearly a week, she cooked for me, we had a great time. When I left she gave me leftovers b/c it is too much for one person (plus 10 yo) to eat. She said, would 'wifes name' eat some? I said, not sure but probably. 

Wife ate it, said it was amazing. Then she said, I like her. 

Divorce is hard but I think my wife and i realize we are maybe not for each other. Silly maybe, but the new girl and i have so many similar interests, things that are real and live inside you, that I did not have w my wife and in fact let them go to focus on other 'marriage/family' things (ie nice guy - -put everyone first and be misearable). 

Wife found apt today and will be moving out in 2-3 weeks. 

My issue is just that it feels right w/ new girl but how do i know if too good to be true? 

We actually do not talk about this with each other much at all. We both i think just want to enjoy each other and see what happens, so i think it sounds worse here than it really is.


----------



## Mo42

ok, 2 gals, brown eyes, jelly bean-- please clarify exactly what slowing it down is. 

Not seeing her often? How often? She has a 10 yo and i have two kids. We are lucky if we see each other 2x a week and usually it is for a couple of hours. Too much? 

Turn off my feelings? I get the concern here about having feelings for someone new right away. This is where i would like to figure things out, but it is quite clear that no one has the answer. 

Not see her at all? why? what good would that truly do? When you want to talk to someone you pick up the phone and call them but not if you are getting divorced cause you are too confused? I dont feel like a child. I feel like I am very aware of my emotions and when I have bad days. Im trying to find out really what to look for that would indicate I am not doing the right thing. This is definitely a concern-- burying yourself in someone new-- but the opposite extreme is to purposely deny yourself a chance to grow a new relationship and I can see that as just as destructive in the long run. 

Look, I am not about to propose to this girl if that is what is coming across. 

You can take this as lashing out, but frankly, brown eyes story is nothing like what I am going through. My wife does not love me but she actually does want me to be happy. 

Other than Deejo's post, I dont feel anything concrete has really been said here as far as advice.


----------



## Jellybeans

Mo42 said:


> My issue is just that it feels right w/ new girl but how do i know if too good to be true?


Only time will tell.



Mo42 said:


> Other than Deejo's post, I dont feel anything concrete has really been said here as far as advice.


When you post on an open forum, you are going to get all kinds of advice/feedback/opinions. That is the nature of the best. It's clear you aren't really into what anyone is saying. We are just offering feedback per what you wrote and what we think.

In the end, you are going to do whatever you want. 

Good luck.


----------



## Jellybeans

And essentially... a lot of us told you the same exact thing, just in different words. Just saying.


----------



## Another Planet

FOG


----------



## Another Planet

And for the record your new GF cooking dinner for your wife is FCKN crazy dude! That is so not normal.
I wish you the best though cause it sounds like you are happy


----------



## Jellybeans

Another Planet said:


> FOG


:rofl:

Get out of my head.



Another Planet said:


> And for the record your new GF cooking dinner for your wife is FCKN crazy dude! That is so not normal.
> I wish you the best though cause it sounds like you are happy


I was going to say something but decided not to. I think the GF cooked HIM dinner but the whole asking if Wife would like it struck me as super strange.

I would hate to cook a man a meal and know he was leaving my house, after you know, sizing me up all sexy and eating off my dinnerware (cause i'm a bit of a Martha Stewart like that), and then heading straight to the house he shares with his wife with my tupperware full of food in his hand.

Talk about feeling rejected.


----------



## browneyes74

You need to figure out and own what YOUR problems were in the relationship, I think, before you can move on.. 

Mourn the death of the marriage. There has to be SOME feeling of loss. If there is not, well, then, you might want to look into WHY you are not having those feelings.. Are you masking them with the "feel good" portion of a new person?

Look, I get it, having a new person to focus on is great. It feels good. You get to find out their likes, their dislikes, where you mesh. It's fun, exciting, and sexy.. 

But, maybe, just maybe, this isn't supposed to be a fun, exciting, sexy time.. You have just shredded a family.. maybe it's time to see what YOU did wrong.. what SHE did wrong, WHY you picked the wrong the person.. maybe some time for reflection, mourning. You sound like you are in denial, quite honestly. Both of you. Oh well, our kids will be fine, we'll be fine, everything is hunky dory and the girlfriend and the wife get along, yay! It's not striking through as very genuine, sorry.. 

You are still living with your wife.. And dating.. And bringing her leftovers from your date.. yeah, that's a little odd.. sorry.. 

It's as if, as a society, we have decided that it's "good feelings" all the time.. When good feelings gone, well, then, you move on to the next good feeling.. and the next, and the next.. 

I'm not saying stop seeing her, but see it for what it is.. You wanting to feel good. And yes, feeling good and feeling validated is good, but it doesn't solve the problem.. It just covers it up for a while.. 

And the fact that she would send leftovers to your wife? Has me questioning her boundaries as well. I would have SERIOUS issues with dating a man that was living with his wife still.. I wouldn't be sending him home with leftovers for her.. sorry..


----------



## Deejo

So I checked a couple of your threads.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you are looking at a Walk Away Wife scenario. (I don't care why, others might)

And this bomb got dropped on you in July/August?

You're definitely moving quick, bud. 

Sometimes you need to experience the trainwreck to recognize that you were in fact a passenger on it. I say that as someone who experienced it. 

So ... of course your wife wants you to be happy. That way she won't feel nearly as guilty when she trots out the guy she's seeing.
At which point you'd best know damn well how that is going to make you feel.

I don't have any expectation that you are going to pull the plug on this. My only requirement is that you are open with this woman (who cooks for you and your stbxw) and it certainly sounds like she knows the score. If the players know the game they are engaged in, than so be it. You are both adults. 

My only other advice is NOT to co-mingle the kids. If they've already met, that's fine, but don't start shoe-horning another family into your life until the family you are currently dissolving has settled from the dust-up of divorce. And there will be a dust-up. Even 'amicable' divorces leave a mark.


----------



## Mo42

Deejo said:


> So I checked a couple of your threads.
> 
> Correct me if I'm wrong, but you are looking at a Walk Away Wife scenario. (I don't care why, others might)
> 
> And this bomb got dropped on you in July/August?
> 
> You're definitely moving quick, bud.
> 
> Sometimes you need to experience the trainwreck to recognize that you were in fact a passenger on it. I say that as someone who experienced it.
> 
> So ... of course your wife wants you to be happy. That way she won't feel nearly as guilty when she trots out the guy she's seeing.
> At which point you'd best know damn well how that is going to make you feel.
> 
> I don't have any expectation that you are going to pull the plug on this. My only requirement is that you are open with this woman (who cooks for you and your stbxw) and it certainly sounds like she knows the score. If the players know the game they are engaged in, than so be it. You are both adults.
> 
> My only other advice is NOT to co-mingle the kids. If they've already met, that's fine, but don't start shoe-horning another family into your life until the family you are currently dissolving has settled from the dust-up of divorce. And there will be a dust-up. Even 'amicable' divorces leave a mark.



Yeah, walk away wife. And I did tell her that she is happy b/c she can feel less guilty. Told her that too her face when she said she was meeting a guy for drinks and that she had met him another time a couple weeks ago when she told me she was going out after class with people from her class. told her that it is different for me hearing about her with another guy than vice versa b/c i dont have that guilt, there was no betrayal of our marriage on our part, i didnt make the decision to 'shred a family' in the words of poster above. 

As far as kids, nowhere close to that. no way. It is her and I hanging out. This is the same girl I knew 20 years ago but grown up, responsible and a great mother who raised a boy nearly on her own, but itll definitely be awhile before kids enter the picture. I dont know if it ever will happen. 

Funny thing is, I got this bomb dropped on me in oct, I just happened to feel something was very wrong all summer and was on here reading, trying to figure out, well before she said she wanted a divorce. I do not know if she was cheating, pretty sure she wasnt but I would not be surprised either way. I feel like I have been dealing with this for months, so if I am in a fog, how to get out? Im just not finding a lot wrong with this new friendship/relationship yet and that is why I am here--b/c everyone seems to think it is wrong and has to go wrong and so forth. I still cannot find a logical explanation for it-- just a lot of unfortunate stories. 

In any case, the new girl made a ton of pasta and would have ended up throwing it away and instead I took some home. I think the point to take from that is that my marriage is over. Pretty obvoius when my wife says she likes the girl I am spending time with and that her cooking is fantastic. Who is supposed to feel rejected again?


----------



## browneyes74

October? And 2 months later you are seeing someone? I'll be honest with you.. I started suspecting my husband in April, confronted in May, and found out 4th of July for sure (when my friend confessed to fooling around with him), and I can't even THINK about being with someone else. I feel betrayed.. 

And quite honestly, my kids aren't anywhere NEAR ready for me to date. My focus is on making sure they are as healthy and adjusted through this as possible. It doesn't involve hanging out and dating right now, even 6 months into it.. 

The fact that you don't find anything wrong is one of the flags. No one is this perfect. 

2nd, the fact that you don't think it's odd that your divorce is PART of your new relationship is another red flag.. And you CAN'T say it's not when your date is sending home leftovers to your wife! Obviously your wife, your living arrangement, and what's going on is a big part of your discussions with the new girl.. That's not healthy either.. 

Your wife should have no place in your new relationships. NONE. And yet, the new woman has introduced you to her kid? And she's comfortable just introducing her 10 year old to every new man she starts a conversation with? I find that another red flag. 

And 2 months later, you and your wife are calmly discussing your new date and her new date and still living together? Have any of you gone through counseling? How old are your kids? How are they handling this? What message do you think this sends them about the seriousness of marriage and how much weight you give that relationship in your life? I'm not saying you need to answer these to me, but maybe ask them of yourself, for yourself.. 

You might not have made the decision to shred the family, but you are certainly jumping into it with both feet. Did you and your wife have this lack of emotion throughout your marriage?


----------



## Mo42

Brown eyes, you are clearly bitter. I dont believe you even read the fine details of my situation. 

You think either of us has met the other kids? no. 

You think I am ignoring my kids for this girl? I see her once or MAYBE twice a week. When my wife moves out in 2 weeks, i will not have the kids for 3-4 days a week. There is only so much housework you can do, esp when there is a bright intelligent kind person waiting to spend time with you. 

You think my friend is cooking for my wife? no. she knows we are still living under the same roof, for now, and just asked if she thought my wife would like it. 

Jumping into it with both feet? not exactly. no meeting the kids. only see each other when her kids are with their dad and I have a few hours-- after my kids go to bed and if my wife is home usually.

I certainly did not choose this situation and we were in MC when my wife decided she was done and I pushed to work on it and she said no, however I made it quite clear that while I am not happy about it, I am absolutely not going to sit around and sulk for (2 years seems to be the concensus on her-- what a waste of life, frankly). There is joy to be had out there. I know much more about myself than I did and yeah, I AM a quick learner. 

I feel like, after being on here since spring and wondering what to do about my marriage, that more and more this place is toxic for happiness. Happiness-- not allowed here. I get the fog thing, the jumping in too fast thing-- but no one can give real solutions and even jump to conclusions based on negative perceptions without even getting the facts straight. Someone on this thread even thinks I am LIVING with her. I saw her for the first time in 20 years just a few weeks ago-- few weeks after intensive introspetion and learning more about myself than I have in many many years. Living with her? Please read and understand. NO-- we have not met each other's kids. You have a guy saying he is going to leave for good but he sure is going to make sure his son knows about The Game. Wow. 

The more I read on here, the more i get your life is hell and everyone else should just back off, waste one, two, three, six years of their life re-living the hell they went through. 

Not me. I am moving on. I was just hoping to find some insight on how best to do that. 

Thanks though Deejo.


----------



## survivorwife

Mo42 said:


> Funny thing is, I got this bomb dropped on me in oct, I just happened to feel something was very wrong all summer and was on here reading, trying to figure out, well before she said she wanted a divorce. I do not know if she was cheating, pretty sure she wasnt but I would not be surprised either way. I feel like I have been dealing with this for months, so if I am in a fog, how to get out? Im just not finding a lot wrong with this new friendship/relationship yet and that is why I am here--b/c everyone seems to think it is wrong and has to go wrong and so forth. I still cannot find a logical explanation for it-- just a lot of unfortunate stories.


I think the point is this. *You* have not had or taken the opportunity to be *you* yet. To be single. To get to know yourself. You are not defined by your partner (wife or gf) but by what you find within yourself about yourself.

I was married for almost 30 years and my Ex cheated. Divorce was final in July. After so many years of marriage, I am enjoying the "liberation" of being my own person, doing my own thing and learning what I am all about. I am finally at a point (I believe) that I can be myself with confidence and humor.

I also met someone coming out of a marriage this year because his W cheated on him. It's a rocky road yet for him, so we are just friends, even though I have actually known him for several years through my work. We are taking it slow because, having been there myself, I know it will take time for him to heal and I believe he will be worth the wait.

What others are trying to tell you is that as long as you are still not only legally married but also living with your stbxw, your thought processes will probably be "fogged" because you have yet to actually be "single" in every sense of the word. Free. Liberated. You won't know these feelings until you experience them for yourself, and being involved with someone else during the process only holds you back from experiencing the joy of being able to be entirely yourself, for you will always have that little voice in your head that thinks you need to define yourself by your partner's eyes and not yours alone.

Hope that made sense somewhere.


----------



## Mo42

Thank you survivor wife. 

We are taking it slow, i appreciate that. I do understand the single thing but the dilemma is that i want to grow into that but feel it would be wrong to deny the feelings that i still want to see her. I think it would be silly to want to see her and tell her i cannot see her. She gets that I have to go through this and heal. And at the same time, we dont see each other often and miss each other. 

I appreciate those thoughts though. They sound like they come from a reasonable, clear head. I feel a lot of anger and bitterness in many peopel here. I am going through a divorce and am over feeling that way all the time. I know there will be hard times but I am trying my best to choose happiness, gratitude over the other.


----------



## survivorwife

Mo42 said:


> Thank you survivor wife.
> 
> We are taking it slow, i appreciate that. I do understand the single thing but the dilemma is that i want to grow into that but feel it would be wrong to deny the feelings that i still want to see her. I think it would be silly to want to see her and tell her i cannot see her. She gets that I have to go through this and heal. And at the same time, we dont see each other often and miss each other.
> 
> I appreciate those thoughts though. They sound like they come from a reasonable, clear head. I feel a lot of anger and bitterness in many peopel here. I am going through a divorce and am over feeling that way all the time. I know there will be hard times but I am trying my best to choose happiness, gratitude over the other.


So what do you anticipate happening once your divorce is final and you are living "single"? Will you travel? Go places (alone) that you always wanted to visit? Will you enjoy some hobby/interest that you feel you neglected? Will you involve yourself more with your bio-family and/or long lost friends, or even new friends? Will you do this alone or will you need your gf to share the experiences with you? In short, are you trading one partner with another, newer one?

I'm not saying dating is bad or getting involved is bad. I'm merely suggesting that you take some time for yourself alone. Get to know yourself. Have some fun "in your own skin" without having to lean on anyone else for validation of who you are. 

I think the whole discussion here revolves around you not becoming emotionally involved ("miss each other") or emotionally dependent until you have had the time to become yourself again. Just consider that advise and be careful, once the divorce is final and you are "free", not to fall into a situation where someone else defines you. Take the time to define yourself. And have fun in the process.


----------



## Jellybeans

Going back to your original post:



Mo42 said:


> Ok, I know it is too soon. I am going to get that a lot here.


Sometimes people post and they answer the riddle/puzzle on their own.

Happy NYE, Mo. Good luck, no matter what you decide to do.


----------



## browneyes74

I'm not bitter about your situation, I have no reason to be. I've just been there. You say it's completely different, but, yeah, that's what I said too. 

I stand by my original statement. I think you are looking for "good feelings" 

Yes, there is a lot of bitterness and unhappiness here. it's a support site, in large part, for falling apart marriages.. 

But what you are missing is the big picture, where person after person after person is saying, "where is the YOU" in this? 

I jumped from one relationship to the next. And NOW, looking back, I realize that I replaced the old bad thing with a new bad thing. Do you honestly think I saw that at the time? No. I thought, wow, he's so great, he's so into me. We have such a great time, we laugh, we talk, and everything is fun, when so much in my life was not before.. 

But, I'm sure it will be different for you. You've clearly worked through your part in the demise in your marriage and what your role was. Good luck to you. I hope it works out for you.


----------



## Mo42

browneyes74 said:


> I'm not bitter about your situation, I have no reason to be. I've just been there. You say it's completely different, but, yeah, that's what I said too.
> 
> I stand by my original statement. I think you are looking for "good feelings"
> 
> Yes, there is a lot of bitterness and unhappiness here. it's a support site, in large part, for falling apart marriages..
> 
> But what you are missing is the big picture, where person after person after person is saying, "where is the YOU" in this?
> 
> I jumped from one relationship to the next. And NOW, looking back, I realize that I replaced the old bad thing with a new bad thing. Do you honestly think I saw that at the time? No. I thought, wow, he's so great, he's so into me. We have such a great time, we laugh, we talk, and everything is fun, when so much in my life was not before..
> 
> But, I'm sure it will be different for you. You've clearly worked through your part in the demise in your marriage and what your role was. Good luck to you. I hope it works out for you.


You sound bitter about YOUR situation and you seem to be projecting that anger onto mine is my point. 

I HAVE worked out the my part in the demise in this marriage actually. I know, you cant believe that is true, but in fact it is. I was the doormat, thinking all the sacrifices I made for her were appreciated when in fact they BORED her. That is exactly my role and fully understood. I am working on how to change that without going full bore into the ALPHA thing. Deejo's advice was huge in that

Take responsibility
Be honorable
Be decisive
Do no harm

The do no harm is the part I am dealing with here, clearly. 

As far as the ME, this is where I need help. I need to be reminded of drawing boundaries. There ARE things i havent done and that I want to do. I have to make sure I do them alone at times. 

I hope you, too, find peace and can turn towards those happy, joyful times that life does offer up now and again.


----------



## Deejo

So how ARE you doing with all of this?

There are all kinds of stories. I know of more than one where the guy stayed in the marital home while separated from his wife and while she was seeing someone else. All I'm saying is that I've seen far weirder than your circumstances. It will be good to get some space between the two of you. 

There are lots and lots of 'guidelines' on how to navigate these waters. But the reality is that everyone handles them differently. I know of plenty of circumstances where a person has gone from the dissolution of their marriage to immediately meeting someone else and falling big. Some times it works out beautifully, other times it's confusing, sad, and ends badly.

Looks like you're going to find out. You know where you stand. Sounds like your lady friend knows where you stand.

Do recognize that it's going to get bumpy when you actually follow through on the divorce. Both in terms of interacting with your ex, and emotionally for you.

If your friend can help you get through that by being understanding and supportive, then no worries. I have actually been seeing a woman who got dumped by her fiance on Thanksgiving. She confronted him about having cheated on her, and he had been gaslighting her for the last 6 to 7 months.

I knew exactly what I was doing and what I was in for. We talked ... a lot. She has thanked me profusely for my support, compassion and care. No one is being 'taken advantage of'. 

I function of very simple premises. Chief amongst them;

Do no harm.

and

Own your sh!t.

You find yourself on a site where people have had their hearts torn out, and have seen their lives and families absolutely and utterly destroyed.

Emotions run high. Most of the advice you get, even that which sounds harsh is using coming from a dark place that someone remembers all too well, and simply wants to spare another person the same mistakes and pain.

Take care of yourself, and take the relationship slow. Continue emotionally disengaging from your stbxw. Love your kids. Exercise. Stay on top of what you need to.


----------



## Jellybeans

Deejo said:


> I function of very simple premises. Chief amongst them;
> 
> Do no harm.
> 
> and
> 
> Own your sh!t.


The best way to live life!


----------



## Mo42

Those are good words Deejo. The next step is getting through the physical separation-- her moving out and into apt, and getting the kids on the routine of having two homes. 

My lady friend absolutely respects that. My wife, who you correctly noted is a WAW, has been really good about it but did admit some jealousy. 

Last night she met an acquaintence out to talk about another situation (my wife's brother is also going through div but it is very ugly). The acquaintance knows my lady friend and told my wife, if you truly want Mo to be happy, she is a very lovely, sweet girl. 

So, yeah that sounds weird, but my wife is trying to own her actions too, so we can both move forward. 

Listen, I dont expect this to be easy. All the cards are on the table and we are all adults. My lady friend and I are enjoying each other and my wife and I are business partners. When she moves out we will enter the next phase and I will likely have more time for myself and start building my life in the way i want, but right now i cant see a reason to exclude the lady friend from being part of it.


----------

