# Long past considering. Warning this post is very long



## LongRoadtoRuin (Apr 3, 2013)

It was New Year's Eve! We had been together alittle over 2 years. I sat him down and told him I had always known that I wanted to be a mother and at 32 I felt that I couldnt wait any longer to seriously move towards making that dream a reality. *He had told me along the way that he wasn't sure that he wanted children. *I told him if he didn't want children, that he needed a woman who could be happy never having them, that I was always going to want children, and needed to be free to pursue a relationship with someone who wanted a family. *I never intended for the conversation to be an ultimatum. My want to be a mother wasn't a choice but true drive within me and I never would want to make a man a father without it being his choice. *I was rather astonished that he said lets go for it and low a behold I was pregnant in 2 months. *I have always been marriage phobic and I didn't bring up the issue of marriage but eventually he did and I agreed.

We bought a home and within a couple months he moved into a spare bedroom stating that I woke him too often during the night and he needed his sleep. It was hurtful but I understood. Years started going by and still he didn't return to the "marital" bed. *That isn't to say we never had sex but it was very devoit of any emotional connection and the rejection and withdrawl of affection truly is a cruel pain. *I had never been with a man who didn't want to have sex with me and just choose to ignore that he preferred porn and a shower over me as much as is humanly possible.

I don't like a lot of drama so I do my best to just make everything look perfect on the outside and suck it up and take lying in the bed I made "like a man." I made every effort to be the ideal stay at home wife and mother. *Unfortunately I was in a car accident and while awainting the FDA to approve artificial disc replacement I was unable to lose the last 25lbs. of baby weight I had gained. *I knew this really bothered him, I could see it everytime he looked at me. The look on his face was so very hurtful but could not compare to the devastation I felt when in an angry moment he told me that I disgusted him and "was lucky that he didn't go out a f*** the s*** out of tiny little hookers." as soon as I got the go ahead after my surgery I went about losing the weight. *I did it for myself but not because I wanted smaller jeans but because I never wanted him to able to say that to me again.

Years continued to pass and still he didn't return to the bedroom. *There came a point when I was suspicious of of his outside interest but I let it ride for months before I confronted him. He admitted he had met someone....that he wanted to continue to live and pay the bills at home but be free to come and go after our son was in bed and that I should be agreeable if I didn't want it to affect our son. *In talking he told me he resented that I given him an ultimated way back and that he only agreed to having a baby because he thought he couldn't have children due to the fact that he had been quite reckless in the past and no woman had become along the way. I took solace in that fact that he offered up that our son was a gift that he never knew he wanted and loved him very much.

I wasted no time finding out about this woman and there was much that I found unsavory. *Within 24hrs. I confronted my husband with the info and head very defensive grabbed his keys a was out the door to no doubt see her which I knew he would do and had hoped he would tell her all I had to say. *The very next day my son was sick and my husbands truck was in the shop. *I told him if he had plans to see his girlfriend she would have to come get him in case I need to take our son to the doctor. I left to the store and while I was out, he called me stating that it was over with he and she. When he told her our son was sick and that he wouldn't be able to make it out, she lost it and told him she wouldn't come before anyone, not even a sick 7yr old. *I told him that if that were true then I would drop it and we could move on. *In truth though I knew she was coming like a freight train and was going to derail my sons life as he knew it and that was not going to happen on my watch. *If I really believed for one moment that she would have made my husband happy, I would have grabbed freedom in a heartbeat.

I did as I said and let it go after all she only lasted about 36 hrs before she fell apart from the moment she knew that I knew about her and first time something came up with his son! *I was the good wife again....golden, infact he moved back in the bedroom, it was the least he could do I had lost the 25 pounds grew my hair down to my ass and always tried to look cute.

A few more years have passed and the love between us in an intellectual love....a love because we know we should love eachother. A business arrangement not a compaionship. *He is still very critical of me. I started Zumba classes and if I miss a class he is disapproving. If I'm going to get my hair cut he let's me know how much would be too much to get cut off and God forbid I break a nail cuz he knows I will cut them all down so they may grow back together and they will not be vampy for the next month or so. Lol!

The irony in it is that even more painful than his prior disgust are his comments of approval for how I look now and the way he enjoys the way other men look at me.

If you read all that thank you * * *~LongRoadtoRuin


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## pale-blue-eyes (Jul 27, 2012)

LRtR,
Oh man, I'm sorry to hear you are going through this but really it is very complicated and you have some very complicated feelings attached to it all. You seem not to be shocked at this "girlfriend" and seem to take things lightheartedly. I realize that by now you are probably so use to all this BS that its easier to take it all lightly and not get upset over it all, which may work in the sort term but will not work in the long term (as I'm sure your finding out) 
I would suggest talking with a mental health professional (or at the very least seek out some really good self-help books) you need clarity on this whole situation and need to get your own beliefs in perspective. Its hard to keep your own beliefs when your being emotionally abused, I wish you the best of luck.


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## LongRoadtoRuin (Apr 3, 2013)

Thanks Pale. I am pretty in touch with my feelings. Some of my biggest problems atm stem around the fact that I am less and less able to ignore and sweep under the rug my feelings and opinions. When I have an issue he generally deals with it by getting more angry than I am. Now that our son is getting older I am not keeping a lid on it just for the sake of peace. I'm trying to figure out how long this can on. As with any separation/divorce there are logistical issue to consider. We had been discussing a move cross country. 

I have grown much in this marriage and have done well to eliminate most any of his criticisms that adversely affect how I feel about myself, so I don't feel emotionally abused as much as manipulated.


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