# Husband confessed he doesn't find me attractive..help please!



## Armywife2010 (Jan 22, 2013)

I am almost 25 and had three pregnancies. I state this so that it is well known I am not a model.
After I had my last son two years ago it was really hard for me to lose the baby weight.
Six months after my son was born, my husband deployed for a year. I tried really hard during the deployment to lose weight but with little success.
Since my husbands return last summer I have asked him several times if my weight was an issue for him. He always said no. I told him I wanted to lose weight and I asked for his help...he just said that I was beautiful and that he loved me and that he would help but didn't.
Recently I found my husbands profile on a cheating spouses website. I confronted him immediately and he at first denied he made it and finally has confessed that he did.
I asked him if this had anything to do with my weight and again he said no. Said he was drunk and lonely and we had been fighting. Also said he made it then felt guilty and never did anything on it.
Now three weeks later he tells me that it is my weight. Not sure what to do with all this. On the one hand I am extremely upset and betrayed by his actions but thankful now of his honesty but still wondering if he truely loves me would it really matter how much I weigh?
I will admit that I am 5'7 and currently weight 165lbs..where as I used to weight between 135-145. I know I need to slim down a bit but is that all it takes...20-30lbs for my husband to turn me down for sex, lie to me about how he feels, and get to the point of making a profile to find more attractive women???
I still want to lose weight and I do want his help but I can't get over the pain of his betrayal and I can't get over his deception about my weight.
If anyone out there has been in a similar situation please help. I don't want my marriage to fail but I also don't want such a shallow marriage that as long as I look or weigh a certain amount that I will feel and be secure. I love my husband and he is a good man, despite his recent behavior but this is by far the most hurtful thing he has done in the 4 years we've been together.
Just as a side note...My husband says that my weight is NOT a reason for him making the profile. But he admits that the reason he has turned me down for sex or been very unwilling to do more sexually is because of my weight. 
I already knew my weight bothered him before he said it. He was a shallow person when we first met..but honestly what 18yr old boy isn't? I thought since we've been together for 4 years that, that part of him would've grown up...I was wrong.
But knowing this, I still am not sure what to do?


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

I cannot possibly see how your weight has anything to do with this. I think you were feeding him that excuse because you asked if that was the reason. The real reason, and he knows it, is that he is a selfish jerk. But now he can put the blame on you and turn your head from him back onto yourself.

Don't buy into his bs excuse. It is not your fault in any way that he was doing what he did.


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## Armywife2010 (Jan 22, 2013)

This is exactly how I felt when he told me how he felt. But I know he is being honest about my weight being an issue, I did ask for him to tell me the truth and I knew it was bothering him before he told me. So I am not trying to let him off the hook for the website stuff at ALL, but I just feel uncomfortable about this new side of him. I knew he was shallow toward other people but its never been toward me. And what if I do lose the weight..what happens next time I get pregnant? Or what if I can't keep it off forever? I don't want to punish him for being honest but his honesty is extremely shallow and hurtful.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

5 ft 7 inches at 165 lbs isn't very fat or obese. My wife is also 5ft 7 inches at 220+ lbs and we don't have kids yet. I would find your body quite hot compared to what I have had for the last 13+ years. Some guys like a woman with a rock hard body, which isn't realistic for most women. 

Myself, from around the time I got married, I was chatting with many women on many sites because of the lack of sex (1 - 2x a month) lonely and her size. She knew but did nothing. I went cold turkey many years ago but she is still 220+ lbs and does nothing about it but talking. I'm 6ft 2 inches at 230 lbs from continual weight training and could have sex every day. 

He should be making every effort to help you lose the weight and try to do the exercises together if possible. At least you would like to get back in shape, my wifee just talks about it. He should of been honest with you from the very beginning about the weight, even though you aren't that big.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

To feel you have to stay a a exact weight/ not change looks wise so your partner won't cheat on you will be a huge strain. 
He needed to be honest when you asked him about your weight what he did there isn't any excuses for what he did.


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## Armywife2010 (Jan 22, 2013)

CuddleBug:
Well thats how I feel. I'm not angry with him for wanting me to lose the weight that I already said I wanted to lose. I am his wife and I want him to find me attractive..but I am upset that it came out the way it did. Just don't get why he couldn't be honest even after I asked him flat out if it was my weight that was causing the rift between us. 
We used to have sex at least 5 times a week if not more. Now I am lucky if it is once a week. And that one time is usually him starting it once he has had a few drinks.
I ask him at least once a day for sex and get turned down at least 85% of the time.
I just don't want to lose the weight so my husband wants me. I feel he should want me either way. Yes, he should encourage me to lose weight because it is what I want and its better for my health but not to lose it just so he can feel better about sleeping with me?!


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

Your weight has nothing to do with it. He is just using it as an excuse, the marriage would still be in trouble if you weighed 110lbs. He can't help you lose the weight. This is your own issue, that you have to work on personally, with your H's support. But apparently he is too focused on cheating and gaslighting right now, to be of any use.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

There are two totally separate issues here, that your husband admitted to, but you are still running together (as are others in this thread).

A lack of attraction and cheating.



Armywife2010 said:


> Just as a side note...My husband says that my weight is NOT a reason for him making the profile.


Losing attraction to your spouse because of weight gain, or any other reason, isn't grounds for cheating. It might make you more susceptible to straying, but cheating is a character flaw. A person of strong character, and moral fiber, wouldn't cheat. Even if things were so bad that they didn't want to be with you, they'd opt to leave, or lay the problem on the table openly. He didn't post to a cheaters website (and yes, there is a high likelihood that your man is cheating on you) simply because of your weight.

He is being a coward, treating you, and your marriage, with very little regard. That alone needs to be handled, and is a more pressing matter than your scale, or waist, size. 



Armywife2010 said:


> but still wondering if he truely loves me would it really matter how much I weigh?...I also don't want such a shallow marriage that as long as I look or weigh a certain amount that I will feel and be secure...But he admits that the reason he has turned me down for sex or been very unwilling to do more sexually is because of my weight.
> I already knew my weight bothered him before he said it. He was a shallow person when we first met..but honestly what 18yr old boy isn't? I thought since we've been together for 4 years that, that part of him would've grown up...I was wrong.
> But knowing this, I still am not sure what to do?


This is another matter entirely. You, and every other human being on the planet, need to really wake up regarding this topic.

People have standards. Nobody can help what they find attractive. Even 20lbs, never mind more, can be enough for some people to lose attraction. Everybody is different, and nobody deserves to be told that they are immature, or shallow, because they're attracted to certain bodies. Is a woman who likes tall men "shallow"?

You made the mistake that many women (and some men) make; you assume love and attraction are synonymous. They are not. Your husband can love you as much as he ever did, and still be repulsed by your thicker body if he has trouble finding overweight women sexually appealing. It has nothing to do with "growing up".

There are lots of men, and women, who are fine with their partner gaining 20, 30, 60, 75, and more pounds, and still keep their sexual attraction. Everybody has their tastes. But unfortunately for you, you married a man who isn't sexually drawn to excess fat. And you knew this going in, but made the common mistake of thinking he'd "grow up" past his sexual preference, all in the name of love.

Doesn't work like that for all people.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

OP - sorry your going through this... both issues must be extremely painful for you.

How are you dealing with his (potential) cheating... do you have access to his passwords for phone, computer, other devices and social networks etc. Does he keep any of these secret or hidden?

As for the lack of attraction... I don't believe it's shallow to place attractiveness as a high priority. A favorite book of mine is called 'His Needs Her Needs', as the title suggests it covers what needs husbands and wives have of each other...generally men place an attractive wife at around #2...after sex unsurprisingly! He doesn't expect a supermodel... just someone who looks like the woman he feel in love/lust with and married. You working out, staying in shape, putting on a swish of lipstick and wearing 'nice' clothes... all shows him that you care and want to be desirable to him and that you want him to feel proud of you.

Calling him shallow for having this 'need' is like calling you needy or demanding because you want sex, kisses, hugs and cuddles from him.

I must admit i kinda admire him for being able to be honest with you. That took guts. Painful to hear but it must be important to him. Don't take it personally ( very hard to do i know) this is HIS personal preference. My hubby and i have an unwritten agreement to stay in shape. I worked in the fitness industry for many years and i like a fit and toned body ( on me and him). I know I would find it difficult to feel that hot burning desire for my hubby if he got very overweight. We stay fit together mostly, we have fun with it and we're spending time together. 

Try to find the above book if you can. I love it and re-read parts of often.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I suspect that his loss of attraction has very little to do with your weight. I'm obviously speculating, but putting myself in your husband's shoes I could see myself detaching emotionally from my wife if I was deployed for a long time. Coming back together would need to involve a certain amount of courtship, dating, something special sexually.....that sort of thing. But to come home to a wife and a handful of kids would make it hard to be attracted.

Whatever the issue is, I think he didn't want to tell you it was your weight because he didn't want to hurt your feelings. Nobody wants to be that guy. And if it is a different issue (such as detaching emotionally after a long absence) then he may want to tell you that even less (because it's considerably more serious) so he might be admitting to having a problem with the weight because it's the lesser of two evils and it's something you can actually fix.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I was going to reply to this, but found Jaquen had already picked up what I thought was being ignored. And then WorkingOnMe went even deeper.

So read those two again, OP. I'm very sorry you're in this situation.

On the attraction front, btw, 15-20 extra pounds on my 5'7" frame makes a significant difference to how attracted to me my husband is. That's just a truth it helps to be realistic about.


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## Armywife2010 (Jan 22, 2013)

Sorry but some of the answers I am receiving on here are ridiculous!
I should dress up and wear lipstick because my husband has a "need" for me to look a certain way in order for him to find me attractive?!
Insanity!
SORRY LOVE AND ATTRACTION SHOULD GO HAND IN HAND!
If you truely love someone than you always will no matter what!
Suggesting that I shouldn't be upset with my husband, however honestly, telling me he has lost his attraction to me because of my gaining 20lbs is stupid!
Let me ask you this...if my husband were in an accident and was severly burned or heaven forbid lost a limb...would it be fair for me to tell him I no longer find him attractive?
I fully support him wanting me to lose weight because its what I WANT...but I do NOT think it is ok for him to want me to lose weight because it would benefit him.
That is truely selfish..and yes I'm sorry but extremely SHALLOW.
If your advice to me is any indication of how you view your own relationship I worry about some people.
I was hoping someone would be honest with me about this situation I am in but..this is not honesty..this is more shallow people defending shallow people.
Do NOT mean to be rude..and this is NOT directed at any one person..but I am very upset that very few people are actually listening to the situation and giving good advice.
Also I would like to point out that having "standards" shouldn't be based soley on looks.
I myself have no real standards on looks...only that they shower regularly.
I have dated heavier men, tall men, short men, men of different ethnic backgrounds and social standings.
So if I can love my husband no matter what he looks like and still want to be intimate with him reguardless of how much he may change physically in our marriage is it really unfair or too much for me to ask him to do the same for me?!


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Since I'm in a very happy relationship of more than 20 years standing, I don't feel I need you to worry about me, but thanks anyway.

You can deal with what is, or you can whinge and complain about it.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Armywife2010 said:


> Sorry but some of the answers I am receiving on here are ridiculous!
> I should dress up and wear lipstick because my husband has a "need" for me to look a certain way in order for him to find me attractive?!
> Insanity!
> SORRY LOVE AND ATTRACTION SHOULD GO HAND IN HAND!
> ...


Righto...good luck with that!

LOL!


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## Armywife2010 (Jan 22, 2013)

What I would like to know is how 25-30lbs of weight is overshadowing me as a whole?
My husband should love me despite my weight because of who I am.
That is the point.
I have a great personality, I am smart, great with money, house is ALWAYS clean, I'm honest, faithful, loving, adventerous, great with our kids, supportive of everything he enjoys, I am driven to accomplish all goals we set and I have been his friend for 7 years.
Why doesn't that count in him finding me attractive?
How is it not shallow for him to only find me unattractive because of my weight?
That is what I was hoping someone could explain or give me an insight into their similar situation.
But all I have basically been told is no matter what my personality and attitude is like..as long as I am thin my husband will find me attractive..and I'm sorry but anyone who agrees with this is ignorant.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Armywife2010 said:


> What I would like to know is how 25-30lbs of weight is overshadowing me as a whole?
> My husband should love me despite my weight because of who I am.
> That is the point.
> I have a great personality, I am smart, great with money, house is ALWAYS clean, I'm honest, faithful, loving, adventerous, great with our kids, supportive of everything he enjoys, I am driven to accomplish all goals we set and I have been his friend for 7 years.
> ...


Love and attraction are not the same thing.

I don't doubt he loves you... i bet he does, you sound like a great wife in many ways. 

But you can't expect him to feel the same way about desire as you do... that's not reasonable. He is entitled to his OWN feelings and thoughts.

We all want a package... I want my man to be kind and caring. I also want him to stay fit and healthy.... for himself and our children as much as for me. It's a sign of self love ans self-respect.

The folks here at TAM can be very blunt... but we say what we believe to be true... it's not an attack on you. We're all anonymous here.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Add me to the list of ignorant people because I agree with it. I've been married for 21 years and my husband isn't all that attracted to me when I'm 20-30 pounds heavier than what I was when he married me.

Oh and he's also not attracted to me when I don't take pride in my appearance. That means yes wearing makeup, decent clothes, doing my hair, etc.


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## Armywife2010 (Jan 22, 2013)

Its just hard to believe that he doesn't want to hurt me....
He lied to me about having issues with my weight for almost 6 months.
He shut me down when I would try to be intimate with him.
And he made that profile looking for someone to sleep with...that is hurtful.
I don't know how to handle his honesty because its come at a really bad time. If he had been honest when I first asked him or any other time we probably wouldn't be in the situation we're in now.
I just don't want to be made to feel that I am being told that if I don't lose the weight my marriage might not last.
I don't think its fair to put that pressure on someone over something as little as a few extra pounds.
I want to lose the weight for me...not because he wants me to.
But now things are different. I never felt unattractive because of his lies.
I wasn't afraid to make love with the lights on, or shower with him, or change clothes with him watching. But now that I know he doesn't feel good about the way I look its really hurt very deeply. Probably the worst pain I have ever felt. Now I don't want him to see me naked...now I don't want to come to him for sex.
What can I do about this?
And I am very sorry for snapping. Just felt very hurt by some of the comments and I shouldn't have. It was my own doing that put on the weight and my own doing to invite complete strangers into my life.
Please to all who were offended..I am sorry.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Him not being attracted to you being 20 pounds overweight doesn't justify his actions AT ALL, I hope you don't feel that's what people are saying.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Armywife2010 said:


> What I would like to know is how 25-30lbs of weight is overshadowing me as a whole?
> My husband should love me despite my weight because of who I am.
> That is the point.
> I have a great personality, I am smart, great with money, house is ALWAYS clean, I'm honest, faithful, loving, adventerous, great with our kids, supportive of everything he enjoys, I am driven to accomplish all goals we set and I have been his friend for 7 years.
> ...


Hi... You being even 30 lbs over? Not the issue. 

To be blunt, your husband is simply using that as the excuse to do what he wants to do, thrill seek. DO NOT BELIEVE that your weight is the reason. It is not. 

A lot of military deployed come back and find themselves almost unable to live in the world they left. They come back changed, irrevocably. 

Both of you are desperately in need of some counselling. You, to get through this, him, to see what he's in the middle of. His behavior is terribly self destructive, but I doubt he even sees it. 

At this point, you really need to see this for what it is, a return of someone seriously changed by his absence. And, probably still as immature as when he left. 

And I'm ever so sorry for what you're going through, as well as all the other army wives who often lose so much...


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## Armywife2010 (Jan 22, 2013)

abitlost:
I am not really sure what anyone is saying.
A lot of different opinions on the same subject is really confusing me more.
Its like I appreciate him being honest about how he feels about my weight but I'm very pissed off that he lied to me for so long about it.
He lied everytime I asked about losing weight and wouldn't help me find the time in our schedule for me to get out and go to the gym (we only have one vehicle)
But now its like he told me about it and is more than willing to bend whatever so that I could get to the gym...which is nice and supportive but I question his motives.
For 4 years he has been very selfish and has obviously lied about his attraction to me and NOW that he has been caught doing something he tells me that he doesn't find me attractive and is willing to give me whatever I need to lose it.
Well in those 4 years I have had no "me time". Our youngest son is special needs, I have a six year old and his 4 year old son too. I don't ever have the time to work on anything for me. 
But now he wants to give me "ME TIME"...aka "GYM" time?
Seems like he is willing now to give me this time because the end result will benefit him....thats part of my confusion.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I want to reiterate what has already been said. 

There is NO excuse for cheating. NONE, zip, nada.

I don't care if you gained 200 pounds he would have no justification for cheating. On that he's just making excuses and for that I'm angry for you.

You truly do have TWO different problems and I don't think they are connected in any way shape, form or fashion.


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## Armywife2010 (Jan 22, 2013)

oldgeezer:
I totally agree. We went to counseling once..after his first deployment. It was very unsuccesful. I had to drag him there.
I know he needs help. I know he has PTSD and a TBI but he hasn't done anything to fix either one since getting home this past summer from his second deployment.
I love him very much and I know he has changed...some for the good and some for the destructive.
I feel like this "weight" issue is a way of turning the attention from him to me. He isn't ready to deal with his issues so he is trying to address mine first.
I don't want to "force" him into therapy because that isn't going to help us, but I need to know how to make him see that he does need it..we need it.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Armywife2010 - This place is a great place to vent and we're pretty thick skinned, we've been poo-pooed by much harsher folk than you, so don't worry on that front.

I'm sorry your hurting so much... I do get how painful this is for you. Not sure if you answered... how are you bringing transparency into your marriage so he can't do things like signing up for dating sites. There shouldn't be any secrets in a marriage I believe.

One suggestion is please keep talking to your man. Tell him how you feel. Being venerable with him is fine... good for him to be reminded your a person with feelings and emotions.

Getting fit/slim/healthy for YOU is the best reason in the whole world... you say you want this. Make a plan. How can you achieve this? Would you work better with a fitness buddy or a personal trainer? Exercise is beneficial for your mind, body and soul.

It's a gift you can give yourself everyday... I like to think of it as a daily blessing i give myself. I definitely do it for ME first and foremost.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Maybe if he thinks if he focuses on helping you with your weight and time for the gym you won't focus on what he has done so much, it would be much easier for him if you blame your weight for his actions than him.
The weight gain is just an excuse for him, he pulled the weight gain card when he got found out to deflect some of his actions onto you.
Just a theory.


lol sorry wrote didn't see your last post before writing this one.


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

i was quite thin when i got married 185 cm ( 5'9 ) and 62 kilo ( about 120 pounds i think )..... anyway i had 3 babies in the next 4 years and gained 18 kilo ( about 36 pounds)

my hubby still wanted sex, we still had fun , i still wore sexy clothes every now and then .... being so tall i think i carried the weight well 

and he still wanted me

i think if he loves you he will want you if you put on a bit of weight. 

it is very hard for a guy to realize how hard it is to lose weight after a baby

it has taken me so long and now i have a 4th child it has only been in the last year since bub was born that i lost 10 kg ( 20 pounds) and it was very hard work

i am feeling so much better about myself now and my body too..... plus even getting back into some old clothes too

but the thing is that my hubby has gained heaps, has quite a gut on him, eats junk all the time and it has only been in the last few months that he has started walking 5 days a week and wanting to look after himself because he sees how good i am looking and wants to o a better job

he has been a good support to me in my weight loss but the thing is you have to want to do it not for him but for yourself

and thats still no excuse for him not wanting you


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Men are visual creatures I'm afraid.

Besides my wife would kick my ass if I let myself go (which I have a bit and so has she since seperation). Keeping each other attractive for each other has always been one of the good things about us. However, there are times when it just can't be helped, like pregnancy for example. I didn't lose the desire for my wife and in fact I fed her to become a whale - I wanted my first child to be healthy and chubby!

Afterwards though -> laziness is a turn off. So she hit the gym/pole and lost it and has been mostly fit ever since. My wife can also be quite demanding with my physical fitness, her favourite positions for example require me to suspend/carry her. If I fail in that she does lose attraction for me (then complains), she likes to be manhandled. It's just how it is.

I can understand though how hard it can be for others. Like for example, my mate's fiancee. She has a weight problem yet she works out DAILY, eats healthily but can't lose it. She's been taking a pill to help her and when I suggested pole dancing as a sport as it really helped my wife it turns out that it's only going to bulk her up - when she was a child she had a condition and doctors pumped her with steroids so any strength workout = bulk like a man. So in her case it's extremely difficult. Her fiance, my mate however is VERY understanding of this and I would be too because hey, she's doing everything right but her body isn't listening.

If your situation is similar to that, then your husband is being a douche and being very unsupportive.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

I don't really think this has to do with attraction on his part. I think he knows you worry about it, and used it as an excuse, for being on a website looking to cheat.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I'd call his bluff & lose the weight, because at that point he wouldn't have your weight as an excuse any longer.
As long as you're carrying the extra weight, he can keep using it as his excuse to cover up his bad behavior.
Lose the weight & you also shift the power dynamic in your relationship. 

Can't get to the gym?
Go for a walk, every single day, walk as far as you can until the time you feel that you can start to jog, then after overcoming that, start to run.
You don't need a gym to lose weight, you can use your own body weight to do isometrics, think of pull ups & push ups. 
Check out fitness videos from the post library, check out videos online on YouTube.
If there's a will, there IS a way. 
Buy healthier food, cook all of your own meals & stop drinking anything other than water, the weight WILL come off.


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## Armywife2010 (Jan 22, 2013)

Thank you everyone. All of this has really opened my eyes to how I view things and how my husband views things.
I realize we are NOT the same person and therefore we should NOT have the exact same opinions or feelings on everything. For the most part we agree on the things that matter.
I know now what I need to do for myself, for him and for our marriage.
I cannot tell you guys how much I appreciate your honesty, however hard it was to hear. I know you guys are telling me from a place truth. 
And I am sorry again that I over re-acted. 
This has been a learning experience for sure 
Please feel free to continue giving advice on this matter or private message me. I will post again once I've spoken with him about how all of this has made me feel. Thanks again for all the help


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## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

I have been pretty much where you are. Out of the blue, H decides he is no longer attracted to me because I am overweight and if I did not lose weight, the marriage was over.
I could not believe that my only value in my marriage was sexual attractiveness. I had taken care of him through several illnesses, raised our kids almost single handed and built a career that paid our bills including his expenses. I took care of aging parents, the house, the yard and all the household paperwork. And he was willing to end it all because I was too fat to suit him.
What I came to realize is that, especially for women, you are only as valuable as how you look. It is a sad fact that it would not matter if you cured cancer or procured world peace, if you were fat, all anyone would notice is that fat woman who cured cancer. 
So, I lost the weight. He was not kind during the process. He was nasty, threatening and still required me to cook his food in addition to my diet food. He did not like fish and broccoli. A real meat, potatoes, gravy kinda guy.  Dieting and working out were more than minor inconveniences for me, given my busy schedule and he gave me no support. Once I lost the weight, he was real attracted to me, but something changed for me. I just did not feel the same about him. I had long overlooked so many things I found unattractive about him (his letting me do all the work while he did what he wanted, his lack of concern for his children, his spending money we did not have) and suddenly, they were just huge issues for me. In addition, I knew I would never feel good enough about how I looked naked or with the lights on with him. That trust was gone and I was, and still am, very self conscious about how I look even though I weigh what I did when I got married 41 years ago.
I had put a little money away for every pound I lost and took myself on a cruise to think. I decided I did not need to be with someone who was willing to tank a 40 year marriage over my appearance and I filed for divorce. He was real surprised and tells me how sorry he is when ever I see him. For me, it was, and remains, the correct decision

My suggestion to you AW2010 is lose the weight for yourself. It puts you in a much better position no matter what you decide to do. Insist on counseling, both IC and MC. Your husband could avail himself of some of the services the VA offers. I would also let him know that your weight issue is absolutely no excuse to cheat or be catting around. That is a make or break issue in my book and I think he needs to understand that.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I wanted to repeat that I don't at all think that you putting on weight is an excuse for him looking to cheat. As others have said, two separate issues.

He absolutely should have been honest with you when you first asked, but I'm sure he didn't want to cause you the kind of pain and lack of confidence you're feeling now.

He can certainly still love you without being attracted to you/as attracted to you. They are often separate things. 

He needs to acknowledge the ****ty thing he's done by trying to find sex outside your marriage rather than have a painful conversation with his wife about her weight.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Phenix70 said:


> I'd call his bluff & lose the weight, because at that point he wouldn't have your weight as an excuse any longer.
> As long as you're carrying the extra weight, he can keep using it as his excuse to cover up his bad behavior...(snip)..You don't need a gym to lose weight, you can use your own body weight to do isometrics, think of pull ups & push ups.
> Check out fitness videos from the post library, check out videos online on YouTube.
> If there's a will, there IS a way.
> Buy healthier food, cook all of your own meals & stop drinking anything other than water, the weight WILL come off.


:iagree:
:smthumbup: 

This is very good, logical and commendable advice.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Armywife2010 said:


> oldgeezer:
> I totally agree. We went to counseling once..after his first deployment. It was very unsuccesful. I had to drag him there.
> I know he needs help. I know he has PTSD and a TBI but he hasn't done anything to fix either one since getting home this past summer from his second deployment.
> I love him very much and I know he has changed...some for the good and some for the destructive.
> ...


I think you have a good start on understanding what's going on. 

I'd say you have several parallel issues here... One, is post deployment PTSD (or whatever) and another is that he's obviously an adrenaline junkie. Further, you both were quite unprepared for marriage when you got married. You, raising the kids, had to face up to what's going on every day. He had to face other issues, but they're not being very helpful right now. 

The hardest thing in the world you face now, is trying to reach through his defenses and get to his inner self and tell him you want to help him. And, until someone WANTS help, they can't be. 

You're going to get a lot of advice, but there is no "magic bullet". Please pay attention to those who suggest you work on becoming less dependent, more self aware and more self sufficient. This will help you see things more for what they are. 

At this moment, focusing on his specific "sins" isn't going to help you. They are simply obvious symptoms of the problem of him being either unwilling or unable to build a real relationship with a wife - and all the things that implies, including being faithful, monogamous, focused on taking care of you and the children you have made. 

If you're going to focus on anything, I'd suggest you start talking to him about how he needs to step up for his kids. Military doctrine is all about team and doing your part, so you need to focus on appealing to that. 

He needs to stop seeking selfish pleasure and start working on raising his kids - and one of the best ways to be good at that is to have a healthy relationship with their mother. Remind him that once he and you did the deed, he has an honor and duty bound obligation to man up and do the right thing for them AND you.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

jaquen said:


> There are two totally separate issues here, that your husband admitted to, but you are still running together (as are others in this thread).
> 
> 
> 
> ...


QFT.

First off, your husband wasn't honest because he DIDN'T want to seem shallow. He DIDN'T want you to feel bad about yourself. He DIDN'T want to give you negative reinforcement because he could see the efforts you were making. 

In addition, he is in a very PHYSICAL field. HE needs to control his weight and be X amount of physically fit...and while he has testing, HE is responsible for that...just like YOU are responsible for your own weight (granted...being fit is part of his JOB. It isn't part of YOURS)

So he really doesn't quite understand why you are having the trouble. Many people who are naturally thin don't. He knows it's possible to be fitter...so he sees it that you don't really want to be fit (fit is not the same as thin. If you toned up, I think things would be much better)

AND...he could just be a totally shallow d-bag.

His 'dishonesty' was along the lines of a white lie.

The cheating was along the lines of a black one.

Edited to add: If he was put into a danger zone, instead of being an armchair superhero in Germany, he would see NOT being fit as a betrayal in some ways. Every one of his comrades stayed fit so they could be there for their fellow soldiers. Because fitness and readiness was survival.

And he comes home to...well, the woman who kept the kids and the home fires burning...but also someone who is not the woman soldiery ideal he saw over there. There the only women he saw was non-combatants/enemies or fellow soldiers...

And I totally agree with the emotionally disconnected thing. He did get disconnected. You need to find a way to reconnect. It starts by having a series of FAIR fights. Unlike your first rebuttal, you don't get to just scream at someone about how stupid and shallow they are about weight. What you do is say "yes...while I was keeping your house clean, taking care of YOUR kids, and making sure you had a safe place to come home to, I wasn't able to exercise enough. Is that what you are blaming me for?"

Communication is the key. Also...you might want to throw some stuff in that you ADMIRE about your husband...and he might do the same. Have a little cheer fest as your first meeting. Then get into the hard stuff. 

(again, disregard if he had a cushy deployment)


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Armywife2010 said:


> SORRY LOVE AND ATTRACTION SHOULD GO HAND IN HAND!
> If you truely love someone than you always will no matter what!
> Suggesting that I shouldn't be upset with my husband, however honestly, telling me he has lost his attraction to me because of my gaining 20lbs is stupid!
> Let me ask you this...if my husband were in an accident and was severly burned or heaven forbid lost a limb...would it be fair for me to tell him I no longer find him attractive?
> ...


It is interesting to watch women about to have affairs or who recently became single because the first thing they do is lose weight and get in shape. They start dressing in more provacative clothing, maybe even grow their hair out from the "mom" crewcut to below shoulder length.

For me, the weight and body tone together are actually a reflection of what kind of lifestyle they are living. You can tell people that are active and exercise regularly. They're beacons of energy radiating outward. They move faster, blast through obstacles, and exude strength.

So that means they can ride bikes like an athlete instead of a sissy, hike mountains, etc. This is not shallow at all with me but instead an important statement about what kind of life I can expect with you. I've never been with anyone except competitive athletes. 

Skinny model types make me want to puke. In some ways it is worse than being overweight. But neither appeals to me. 

I think the people that claim weight should be irrelevant are many times actually themselves the shallow ones, not wanting to see that this is an important signal about someone being a go-getter, active, and energetic instead of a counch potato who won't be able to keep up with you.

Having said that the reason why I actually was inspired to write is because I did have a terrible accident two years ago and will not recover for maybe another year, and not fully ever. I gained a lot of weight and since my activity level dropped so much - so did my wife. Because we do everything together. And we love each other more now than ever before. 

Objectively, she has gained quite a bit of weight. (although still just over 100 lbs at five feet tall). But for some reason I don't see it. WTF.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Armywife2010 said:


> But now he wants to give me "ME TIME"...aka "GYM" time?
> Seems like he is willing now to give me this time because the end result will benefit him....thats part of my confusion.


The majority of weight loss happens in the kitchen, not the gym. Working out is wonderful for your health, help with body composition, and certainly can serve as a weight loss aide. But what you eat, and how much of it you eat, and what your body burns off during a "normal" day, is how the bulk of weight is loss.

You do not need a lot of "me time", and hours in the gym, to lose weight. There are millions of people with very busy lives, and children, who have managed it. If it's an important endeavour for you to undertake, it starts with dropping the excuses. As long as you're giving excuses, you're just not ready to make the sacrifices necessary to undertake this task.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

If you want to lose weight then lose it for you, not for him! His actions have nothing to do with you but has everything to do with him.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

If you decide to get back in shape, to what you are happy with, do it for yourself, your self esteem, your longevity and health and lastly, for your hubee.

But only being 165b lbs after 3 kids is nothing and you aren't fat, unless you compare yourself to models, fitness women, etc. which isn't realistic. Same goes for men.

If my wifee finally decided to work out and lose as much weight possible, no set number, naturally, and get a normal to maybe high sex drive, I would be blown away.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

5'7" 165 is flabby.

I know. I have been there.

You would need to loose 25 pounds to have a firm middle. (10 to look good in clothes and more to actually have no left over baby-making flab).

BUT you were not told by your H that this was an important issue. He kept it secret until now. He likes sleek woman over flabby ones.
Now you know.

It is no excuse for him to wander the internet looking at people to cheat with.

He should have been honest and open with you previously so that you could be inspired to make getting in shape a priority.

Anyway. 

Now, get in shape and then decide what the heck you want to do with your husband. Try to keep him or banish him.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I wish I could help. I wish I knew the answers because I struggle with this myself. I am the husband who is no longer attracted to his wife and honestly the biggest reason (but not the only one) is her weight. We are in our early to mid 40s and, married for 20 years now and have two beautiful daughters. She is a good person and a good mother. We have had significant marital problems in recent years and went through a year-long separation. That is a topic for another thread and I would like input there but the short story is that it wasn't due to abuse or infidelity but other issues and we have reconciled to the point that we are living together again for about a year now. The emotional connection is tenuous at best. As I said, she is a good person and I genuinely like her. We don't argue and we support each other ... but other than the children (who are more important to us than anything), we just don't have a lot in common. We are friends but not best friends and I think both of us would agree that we are unhappy and unfulfilled, having different expectations about what we want in life and what is important to us.

The physical connection is a problem that I just can't seem to get past. I am not a highly judgmental person ... I am not picky. I see women talk about their baby weight ... and I find the figure of a mother to be attractive. You may be technically overweight but not in my book. You say you are 165lbs ... my wife was 165lbs when I married her and has added another 165lbs over the last 20 years. No matter how I feel about her as a person, I cannot get past that. I don't know how she has put on the weight except that she abhors physical activity while eating roughly the same amount of food as I do (I'm taller and fitness is a hobby of mine). It used to be a problem that I wanted sex far more often than she did but at some point as she grew larger, that switched. When we do have sex, our sexual positions are limited because of the enormous size of her belly. I don't think it would be an exaggeration to say that she looks like an obese woman pregnant with twins. She has to use baby powder to keep the sweat and rubbing of the folds in her fat from becoming a problem. A few years ago, we went to an amusement park as part of a company trip and I discovered we couldn't go on most of the rides because of her size. We went to Cancun just a few weeks ago and I was relieved when she was given a seat on a different row for one of the flights because she takes up more than one seat and it is extremely uncomfortable. Everywhere we went in Cancun I couldn't walk with her ... she walks far too slow ... she only has one speed. I am ashamed that I find myself a little embarrassed when we go to company functions that my wife is usually the largest person in the room while many of the men I work with have attractive women hanging on their arms. I realized not too long ago that she has switched to wearing fat pants around the house to go along with her crocks (the ugliest shoe ever invented). These pants are so large that I could fit in them along with both of my children ... plus maybe a couple of friends. That really, really bothers me. I can't sleep with her because her sleeping machine (sleep apnea caused by her weight), her size and her leg shaking caused by nerve damage associated with her weight makes it very difficult. I am a very affectionate person but I have no affection with her. I don't sleep with her, I can't put my arms around her, we can't snuggle after sex and can't have normal sex. We can't go out and do a lot. I like a lot of things but I have to say that things that involve physical activity are my preference ... bike rides, swimming, tennis, hikes, etc. I can't do any of those things with her. 

I know it sounds like I'm making jokes at her expense here in this forum. Trust me, this is the only place you will hear me say that. Again, I am not terribly judgmental about looks ... but this is the one thing that I truly find physically unattractive ... morbid obesity. I have been honest with her about her weight but only in regards to how it is affecting her health. Her health is a serious concern of mine. I'm sure others might chime in giving me tips on how to help her get more fit, doing active things together, seeing a doctor or getting help ... these are all things tried. I could spend a lot of time talking about that but this is a forum about attraction.

Your post rings a bell with me. I have not cheated but I think about sex all the time and not with her. I wish I could help and that I knew the answers ... but I am that guy. I am ashamed that I am unable to look past my own wife's weight and find sexual attraction in who she is ... but I can't ... morbid obesity is a huge turnoff for me. I can't tell her. I don't want to hurt her and she doesn't deserve that. I'm sure she knows but would be far different coming out of my mouth. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt when i turn her down for sex, especially since I would say yes to so many if I wasn't married. I am ashamed that having other people see her sometimes embarrasses me even if only for a moment. I am ashamed that it matters to me what other people think. Mostly I am ashamed that I can't give her what she needs ... someone who will find her beautiful and sexy no matter what.

I don't know what to do. Selfishly I am very concerned that even if we get past our other problems, I will never get over this and will spend the rest of my days with her in a sexless marriage. I often wonder if divorce would be the right thing to do, not just for me but for HER so that she can find the relationship that works for her. This might be my hangup but I am sure there are many men who would find her attractive despite her weight (or even because of it) .... just as at 5'7" 165lbs I might find you perfect while your husband has a problem with it.


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## V10Viper (Jan 26, 2013)

I curious to know how this works out, as I've had the same issue with my wife. However we don't have any childrend yet and I've never registered for any cheating sites. Nontheless, same marraige strain exist.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I know it sounds like I'm making jokes at her expense here in this forum. Trust me, this is the only place you will hear me say that.... I can't tell her. I don't want to hurt her and she doesn't deserve that.


This, unfortunately, is the crux of your problem. Your wife is destroying her body, and helping destroy your marriage, and your'e too busy worrying about hurting her feelings. Would you keep quiet if she was a raging alcoholic? A chronic gambler who was wasting away the family's funds? A crackhead? You are doing yourself, your wife, and your marriage an incredible disservice by NOT telling her everything that you've told us here.

If you won't tell her, than you're being an irresponsible husband, father, and man. There is nothing noble, or worthy, in your silence. It is cowardice. 

You really should copy this post and make your own thread. I imagine you'd get a lot of advice, and it would generate strong discussion.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

jaquen said:


> This, unfortunately, is the crux of your problem. Your wife is destroying her body, and helping destroy your marriage, and your'e too busy worrying about hurting her feelings. Would you keep quiet if she was a raging alcoholic? A chronic gambler who was wasting away the family's funds? A crackhead? You are doing yourself, your wife, and your marriage an incredible disservice by NOT telling her everything that you've told us here.
> 
> If you won't tell her, than you're being an irresponsible husband, father, and man. There is nothing noble, or worthy, in your silence. It is cowardice.
> 
> You really should copy this post and make your own thread. I imagine you'd get a lot of advice, and it would generate strong discussion.


Good response but it needs context. She is well aware of her weight although she may not have a good perspective on just how large she is; we have had many discussions about it. I am not enough of a coward to have kept silent on my concerns about how it affects her health even if I haven't expressed my feelings on how it affects my attraction to her. One approach I've tried is the affect this has on her children 1) how her health may shorten her time on earth and the time she will spend with her children and 2) the example she is setting for her children. Her children mean everything to her and my logic is that if she can't do it for herself, her quality of life or her children then it is unlikely that she will do it for me and our love life. One of the problems in our marriage has been bouts with depression. She used to blame this on me but with counseling she has come to understand it has little to do with me. She has struggled with self-esteem her entire life and many times I have to tread lightly with my concerns (about anything really) because she will take it personally. She has invested a great deal in coming to terms with herself and part of that is accepting her weight. My guess is that if I say anything about her weight and my level of attraction, she will interpret it as me finding her repulsive and instead of taking a positive approach (she can do something about it), she will instead sink into depression.

I think I will take your advice and post this on a separate thread. Thanks


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I haven't read this thread to the end, but I can't bear to read anymore without writing my opinion.

It has nothing to do with your weight - he was, and may still be, in an affair and it is complete blameshifting. If you didn't happen to be a few pounds overweight it would be your cooking he didn't like. Or the way you discipline the kids, or the way you choose to spend your discretionary income... etc.

Basically he is finding whatever you have the most insecurity about and trying to use that against you to alleviate the guilt he has to carry. It is selfish behavior on his part.

Yes others are right on here that extra weight can be a detriment to physical attraction, but you don't cheat on someone you love and you don't use the things you know they are insecure about as a weapon to make them feel bad. If your weight was an issue he should have been honest about it before looking to greener pastures.

Armywife, I'm sorry that you have to deal with such a selfish husband.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Lon said:


> I haven't read this thread to the end, but I can't bear to read anymore without writing my opinion.
> 
> It has nothing to do with your weight - he was, and may still be, in an affair and it is complete blameshifting. If you didn't happen to be a few pounds overweight it would be your cooking he didn't like. Or the way you discipline the kids, or the way you choose to spend your discretionary income... etc.
> 
> ...


I'm not sure it is blameshifting ... coming from someone who DOES have a problem with his wife's weight ... although it is far more extreme weight. I do agree that I think there is more to the story in regards to the cheating website (just a one-time thing). He very well could be telling the truth that her weight bothers him (being the real reason he was on the website) but be dishonest about the extent in which he used the website.


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## V10Viper (Jan 26, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I'm not sure it is blameshifting ... coming from someone who DOES have a problem with his wife's weight ... although it is far more extreme weight. I do agree that I think there is more to the story in regards to the cheating website (just a one-time thing). He very well could be telling the truth that her weight bothers him (being the real reason he was on the website) but be dishonest about the extent in which he used the website.


Let's cut to it. We all agree, cheating ain't right...let's move on. You want to save your marriage and get passed this. You asked him about your weight, he should've told but now you know. It's no longer a discussion about stay or go because you've already decided. You both now have some information to proceed on. You guys can decide on how to counsel the issues while working on what you already know you guys need. Let's get it done and start a new chapter for the both of you.


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