# Where to begin...



## Heartbreakheadache (3 mo ago)

My husband and I have been married 10 year as of this month. I feel so empty. I have great kids, a nice house, and a decent job but my life is so monotonous. I get up, get kids to school, work, get kid ogg bus, food and bed. I have these over-whelming feelings of guilt because my life is not bad, but I'm so unhappy.

When my husband and I first married, right before we got married I found out ge had been seeing another woman while saying g we were in an exclusive relationship. It cut me to my core. His mom was aware of both women. She pretended to be my best friend. I had lost my mom 2 years prior tragically, and she was stepping up to fill some of the void. 

I had 2 kids with my ex-husband and was married with my 3rd. My current husband still dated me distantly. I worked a lot and had things going on that made the time we actually had together special. 

I forgave him for the lies and the hurt from the subsided with time, but his mother and I never regained any sort of relationship. She canceled our rehearsal dinner the day of, and threw a HUGE fit at the wedding g during the father daughter dance. She was sloppy crying/screaming out like she was in agony. We got through it.

We have our first child together he almost dies. I requested that no one posted his pictures on Facebook of him on the ventilator while he was septic because I suffer from PTSD and was afraid these memories would cause triggers down the road. One person put multiple photos of my child near death all over Facebook. They are still currently on their. 

In 2017 I became suicidal from stress and pressure involving a genetic illness. I made an attempt on my life. My husband went and told my family that I was out of control. I was begging for help, but was worried about finances to the point I was afraid to take the time I needed. Through my family he filed a police report where he stated I was a danger to myself and others. They cuffed me, stripped me and locked me in a glass cell. As a victim of childhood sexual abuse I was a complete mess. Nearly 4 days later they got me to a psychiatric facility. While here DCS came in and told me I could no longer see my children unless I agreed to what they said. I believed them. They took my kids on the grounds of me being "unfit". I was working full time as a RN. I had missed a parent teacher conference or doctors appointment. My kids were with my husband at the time of my attempt. They were no way involved. In my mind I justified with them being 6 and under they would find a new lady to fill my shoes who wasn't such a burden on her family. I felt I was doing best for them by giving them a more capable mom who wasn't so sickly.

As for my husband, he acted like I owed him some great expense for him picking me up from the mental hospital. If he had ever just spoken to me, I would have went willingly, but instead he hit on my worst fears. He still believes he is saintly for "not leaving me when I lost my mind."

The kids are still gone except our last one we have together. We have fought hard for custody but with Covid and everything else courts have been delayed and our funds have ran out. It breaks my heart.

On Labor day of 2021 his mom had moved in with us for the 8th time. She decided to "help out" by going though and throwing away tons of my things and my sons. I finally had told her she needed to leave and she informed me she didn't have to leave until my husband told her she had to. I privately spoke with hom and asked him to have her stay with her mom, or his brother. I even offered to cover a hotel I'd she would go. He refused. I got angry and took the stance if if she stays, I go. He told me he doesn't take threats seriously. I moved out with my some. Not everything but enough for a few days away. 

We stayed in contact for those days but mainly argued. I told him I wasn't coming back until she was gone. I told him it was too much drama. He td me to comeback after the 3rd day gone and he would handle it. I agreed, thinking I was coming back to my home being somewhat back to normal. What he failed to tell me is she was still there. He did ask her to leave the next day, but he opened up a can of worms when she saw me and I saw her 

That brings us up to the last year. I've struggled. He became depressed so I was supporting our entire household. I did it without complaining. During his Stent with depression he came up with this dream of becoming a rotational farmer. He wanted to raise meat humanely to sell. I saw this as an opportunity to pull him out of his funk. We found land to rent and went for it except after he rented the land he was done. We have close to a thousand dollars tied up in this and no animals on the farm. He had mentioned he was struggling to find animals so I began researching and making connections. He never called. The land owner messaged me and told me that she had heard from me but not from Tim. She had the ground bush hugged. I was devastated.

Since I moved away those 3-4 days last September I told him out 10 year anniversary was coming up and I wanted it to be special. I'm crying typing this because it hurts so much. Our anniversary comes and we had both worked. He had told me his wedding band was too loose so I had ordered him a new band and told him the was the interim band until his weight hits his goal and then we would get him a replica of the one we used on our actual wedding. He gave me a card and a box of his favorite candy, and a box of mine. He told me we would celebrate when we were both off work. 

He left for work and I called him. I asked him when he wanted to plan our special meal or what not because I was filling out my schedule work work. He literally told me " I don't know when we will go out to celebrate our anniversary but by the way I made plans to take my mom out tomorrow. I guess you can go if you want."

At this point I lost it. I started sleeping in the spare room, and have been crying myself to sleep. He blames me for the anniversary not being special and said at least he gave me a card and didn't just order some piece of rubber (his interim wedding band) off the internet. I've tried the last week or so to let it go but he says something or blames me for something and I'm just done. 

I don't know that this can be salvaged. I'm tired of living g in a life with no passion. I'm tired of feeling like it's my fault the kids are gone. I'm tired of always wanting to feel loved and cherished and instead feeling like a source of income.

Sorry for the long post. I just needed to get it off my chest. 

As a side note I've begged him to try therapy. He refuses saying it just causes us to argue. I instead see a therapist weekly to try and process some of these feelings and emotions.

Thanks again


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

What a mess. He picks his mom over you, cheated On you, and mental health in both sides. I’d say call it a day and move on.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Get your financial affairs sorted and lawyer up.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is obvious that no one 'outside' of yourself will help you.

Are you still working as an RN?

If not, return to work, and live on your own.
I am assuming that this is a possibility.

_You have your issues_, but, compounding them with others, and adding in, their problems, will sink you, for sure.
These other sad fools are drowning you.

Free yourself from most other humans, except those, concerning employment.
I add this: regular mental health counseling will do you good.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Continue seeing a therapist and quit giving this man so much power over your feelings.


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## SadM83 (4 mo ago)

You started this topic with "feelings of guilt because your life is not that bad". And then you wrote what you wrote. What is actually "not that bad"?! Your relationship is so toxic. Save yourself and your mental health.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Heartbreakheadache said:


> My husband and I have been married 10 year as of this month. I feel so empty. I have great kids, a nice house, and a decent job but my life is so monotonous. I get up, get kids to school, work, get kid ogg bus, food and bed. I have these over-whelming feelings of guilt because my life is not bad, but I'm so unhappy.
> 
> When my husband and I first married, right before we got married I found out ge had been seeing another woman while saying g we were in an exclusive relationship. It cut me to my core. His mom was aware of both women. She pretended to be my best friend. I had lost my mom 2 years prior tragically, and she was stepping up to fill some of the void.
> 
> ...


Out of all that I read where you dated him while you were still married to your third H, you were mad at him for seeing a woman while you two were dating, your family is around, you were mad at H for him having relationship with your family, I kind of gave up reading it all after that.

If you want to stay M to H, don't rehash forever just both of you forgive each other whatever real or imagined failures and start anew.

There's way too much tit for that yah yah yah going on to address each perceived slight individually. 

Start anew, or don't, but stop dredging up everything. If you want to stay M choose, and do, or move on, let H go in peace.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Your relationship is completely dysfunctional. You've lost custody of your children. You should work on yourself without him in your life.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There is nothing left to salvage, save yourself.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think you feel that your life is ''monotonous'' because earlier in the relationship, and for quite a few years, your husband and his family had you on a non-stop roller coaster. It's possible to become addicted to drama, to the high and lows of being in a toxic relationship. Find a lawyer and leave this man. Once you do that, you can work on yourself and finding peace.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

Where are the kids? Are they in foster care? It nearly takes an act of congress to remove kids from the home. Why weren’t they left with your husband or placed with family? It’s actually very easy to get your get kids back out of foster care. You simply do what they tell you, you complete the “menu.” They don’t want kids there, they want them reunited, so you are missing some very crucial information in your story here. So you’re not actually doing those things in the first paragraph right now? There’s nothing monotonous about your life. Chaotic is more like it.


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## Heartbreakheadache (3 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> It is obvious that no one 'outside' of yourself will help you.
> 
> Are you still working as an RN?
> 
> ...


I work full time as a RN. As with a lot in Healthcare right now, burnout is real. Covid is a monster and makes what used to be a loving nurturing environment sterile and harsh. I've been told that my job weighs on me more than my marriage but I disagree. I live being a nurse, but someday you come home and need to cry it out. In my home this is considered a "attention seeking behavior" and work can't be that bad. In his defense, I will only talk to him about my co-workers due to Hippa. What he doesn't see is our normally warm loving unit is rigid and tense. Death used to be an uncommon occurrence and now it is expected on a regular basis. It take a huge toll.

Mentally I've held strong. I have kept my head up and pushed forward. The dark thoughts have been away for years and im proud of that. I'm just scared of breaking my family up and scared I won't be able to do it on my own without spending so much time at work I won't see my kids. At what point do you sacrifice your relationship with your kids to put yourself in a better situation with your love life. My kids love their dad, and I hide the flaws so they feel proud of our family. I just don't know how long that I can last or if I should keep pushing.


Teacherwifemom said:


> Where are the kids? Are they in foster care? It nearly takes an act of congress to remove kids from the home. Why weren’t they left with your husband or placed with family? It’s actually very easy to get your get kids back out of foster care. You simply do what they tell you, you complete the “menu.” They don’t want kids there, they want them reunited, so you are missing some very crucial information in your story here. So you’re not actually doing those things in the first paragraph right now? There’s nothing monotonous about your life. Chaotic is more like it.


The kids are with their biological father. MY family is funding his attorneys and causing havoc to punish me for moving on with my 1st marriage when I was 19. I scorned a family member who also happens to be an attorney because I wouldn't allow then to take custody of my kids during g my attempt when they had zero experience with children. They then went to my husband who also refused to move in with them and the children. At this point they found my ex-husband, wrote the paperwork for him to petition for custody. He had not seen the children more than half a dozen time in over 4 years. They agreed to "facilitate" our reunification. I have joint custody of my older 3 children. They pay my ex-husband close to $750 a month to teach me a lesson. Lawyers don't like it when the people they have stolen medications from speak up about it. I was singing thinking the judge (who was the lawyers baseball coach growing up) when be fair. After awarding custody to my ex husband, I turned them both in to the BAR. Both signed an agreement to stay out of the case and to recuse their positions in the case, but the damage was done. My ex has since moved in with his parents who like the extra income between my child support and my families "charitable donations" to the children. 

I've spent close to 75k fighting to get my kids home with me having full instead of joint custody. My ex-husband has 34 Contempt charges against him but some how managed to get "Covid" for our last 3 scheduled hearings. Our court systems are so far behind, it takes 6 months to get a new date each time he cancels. When lawyers play the system honesty goes out the window.

My kids have never been in foster care. My husband was given the chance to become de facto custodian if he agreed to move in with my sister and her attorney husband. They were childless and going through infertility. When my husband refused, they offered my ex the same option. He lived with them shortly but when I got the BAR involved he was forced to move. Now he lives with his parents with my children part time. Their is a no physical contact order in place from where the parents beat the kids. To avoid reprocessing from this my ex agreed to move but when Covid hit, he was granted time because he didn't have anyone to do e-learning with the children. His biggest contempt is the 4 months I was refused my parenting time for being a nurse during Covid. He went against the Supreme Court 2 years ago and still hasn't received his punishment. 

It's a long expensive drawn out story that involves corruption and greed. My kids have been put through absolute hell because a lawyers drug problem got put out in the open when I was going through my issues. The lawyer was already on probation for 10 years with the BAR for prior convictions involving DUIs and substances. My entire family didn't know that and I let the cat out of the bag. 

All of this is impertinent to my current dilemma. My husband has fought just as hard to get those kids home. Day in and out . That's the guilt aspect. He has been Un waivers in fighting for my 3 children. He and I have 1 child together who is thriving. The other 3 have an open case with dcs for over 3 years through their father and the continued abuse from his parents. Safety plans, and everything else are in place but we can't get our court date to actually take them back where they are safe and loved


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## Heartbreakheadache (3 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> I think you feel that your life is ''monotonous'' because earlier in the relationship, and for quite a few years, your husband and his family had you on a non-stop roller coaster. It's possible to become addicted to drama, to the high and lows of being in a toxic relationship. Find a lawyer and leave this man. Once you do that, you can work on yourself and finding peace.


The roller coaster bever stops here. But the drama surrounds the custody battle. My emotions go high thinking it's so close to being over when we go back to court, and the date gets canceled. Then I'm fighting every demon in me to hold it together. I feel like I am the drama and my husband and I are both exhausted but can't give up the fight.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

So be it !
Sobeit.

Continue the good fight.
Rolling over is not an option.

Not only for your sake.
The children's stake.

Have your PCP prescribe something for your anxiety.
When all these fires, all about you subside, wean yourself off those prescribed meds.

At some point, a clear head is needed.
A dear Mom must survive.


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