# I screwed up again...



## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

Hi,
Just wanting to talk about this with someone so here goes...

Had a fight last night, evening strated out great watched some tv together, I went to play the Wii for an hour and came back to bed... we were talking about stuff and my wife brought up something from earlier with our older daughter (11).
She had taken some of our checkbooks and stashed them in her room. I am assuming to play with. My wife got angry at her and she was telling me how she was angry because she took our checks.
I was in agreement with her and that she shouldn't have taken them so I told her that. Up to there were great but here's where I screw up, couldn't leave it alone could I, I started telling her how she was probably just wanting to play with them and didn't realize they were important. I said that it was probably because the night before I gave each of them a voided check to play with...
Anyway she got mad at me because she felt like I always take my daughters part and always go against what my wife does. So then I said "nooo dear I know she shouldn't have taken them, im just trying to make you see that she wasn't doing it to be malicious, she was proabably just trying to play with them like last night. I agree with you that she should have left them alone". So then she's like just shut up cause your pissing me off! Here's where I go from bad to worst, i replied with "ok goodness I can't even talk around here"... so then she flies out with her pillow and runs downstairs after saying a few choice words.
I give her like 20 min or so and go down to talk but she was still like sooo mad and was threatning to leave with the kids and everything. I told her I was sorry to have hurt her feelings and she closed the door. She did eventually return to bed but it's been cold since then with her avioding my phone calls and one word email replies....

Makes me soo sad that I chose to go too far but I was feeling like I couldn't say anything without setting her off. I was merely trying to make her see the childs view of the event but she took it totally wrong...

Anyway that's my recent story, thanks for listening. My insides hurt just thinking about hurting her like that and throwing everything out of whack


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

An 11-year-old who "plays" with checks? C'mon, bud-what planet are you from?

There's something you're missing.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

She is going to leave you because you sided with an 11 year old? And she's going to take the 11 year old that she was pissed at, with her? I'm speechless.


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

F-102 said:


> An 11-year-old who "plays" with checks? C'mon, bud-what planet are you from?
> 
> There's something you're missing.


so you've never though that it would be fun at 11 to have your parent give you a check to play with and write that you want say 1m$ for the fun of it?? I know I would have found that fun at 11 or younger... these are special things that kids remember for year yet are soo insignificant to the parent... I try to give them these moments sometimes! I don't see what is so bad about that.
The fact that she then took the whole book isn't the problem, I agree that was not right.


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

scione said:


> She is going to leave you because you sided with an 11 year old? And she's going to take the 11 year old that she was pissed at, with her? I'm speechless.


no idea,,, and the worst of it is that I wasn't siding with her. I was just making her see the childs side which she seems to fail to do sometimes... I do that often even when it's not a topic of trouble.
I may say ahh the other day when we did "something special", remember how she was happy or reacted... my wife takes these moments and sometimes even cries because she loves them so much and i bring these special moments to her mind which she often doesn't notice...


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

There are a few things:

1) Your wife's behavior is immature and manipulative. You SHOULD be able to state your opinion without getting emotionally blackmailed. You didn't do anything wrong by stating your opinion. Your wife seems like she uses anger to control you. And you seem ready to take the blame. Not cool.

2) It is possible that your daughter was trying to steal money or do something dishonest with the checks. 11 is kind of old not to understand that you don't talke your parents' financial documents, credit cards, etc. If she were 4, it would be a different story.

3) Your wife may feel like you have a habit of burying your head in the sand when it comes to the children....and maybe you are too soft on them, or giving them the benefit of the doubt when they do something clearly wrong. You need to think about this and fix it if that is an issue because you aren't doing your kids any favors by not holding them accountable for dishonest behavior. Kids crave boundaries and consequences from their parents even though they would never admit to it. They push boundaries and get freaked out when their parents don't hold them firm.

4) Even if your daughter WAS being dishonest, your wife is still not in the right. She needs to be able to have a difference of opinion with you without flying into a rage and slamming the door in your face. 

Time for some marriage counseling!


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Whatever is going on between you and your wife is NOT about that checkbook incident!

What really happened is their was something bubbling under the surface with her and she saw this as an opportunity to fire a shot across your bow!

You better figure out quick what is bothering her as these kinda things fester I would confront her directly and get to the bottom of everything. Then you might have a chance.

She might be having involvement with OM based on her behavior.

Think about it she wants to take the stealing kid and LEAVE YOU.
Good luck you are going to need it. Start snooping.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

This is what I think. Your wife is jealous of your kid. You love your kid more than you love your wife. That's why she is pissed when she thinks you sided with the kid. And since you love your kid so much, she will take that away from you. How's my theory, is it close?


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> There are a few things:
> 
> 1) Your wife's behavior is immature and manipulative. You SHOULD be able to state your opinion without getting emotionally blackmailed. You didn't do anything wrong by stating your opinion. Your wife seems like she uses anger to control you. And you seem ready to take the blame. Not cool.
> 
> ...


yeah i get the feeling that its manipulating but at the same time I can't take days of conflict like this its tormenting me to the core!!! Everytime something like this goes on I keep remembering all the good times we have and it makes me want to ballllllll.


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Whatever is going on between you and your wife is NOT about that checkbook incident!
> 
> What really happened is their was something bubbling under the surface with her and she saw this as an opportunity to fire a shot across your bow!
> 
> ...


I don't think there is OM involved, she doesn't have time and I talk to her like 3 times a day when im at work and am home all the time besides that. I wish I knew why she gets soo mad... she told me she feels like I always shoot her down when she says something to the kids and I think I do but I often find she goes too far sometimes and can't help it.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

strat_guy said:


> I don't think there is OM involved, she doesn't have time and I talk to her like 3 times a day when im at work and am home all the time besides that. I wish I knew why she gets soo mad... she told me she feels like I always shoot her down when she says something to the kids and I think I do but I often find she goes too far sometimes and can't help it.


You need to take he approach I do with my wife i regards to our kids... whatever the other spouse says goes.

Afterwards (behind closed doors) if I have a problem with what my wife did I might mention it to her and allow her to explain why she did it. Then we can both agree on what would be a more effective way to handle it i the future.

My kids know what I say goes, so does my wife.

You and yur wife need to appear as an unbreakable team otherwise your kids KNOW they can play each of you off each other. With kids its a WAR.... YOU and YOUR WIFE vs THEM.

Also YOU should be the one the kids fear. By making your wife do that you are changing the roles....that is why she is PO'd at YOU. Be a MAN. Before she finds another one.

Thnik of it his way... If your did your father job right your wife would almost never have to get involved in disciplining the kids...and that would make her happier with you and gain her respect for you. You are a parent NOT your kids best friend.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

strat_guy said:


> Hi,
> Just wanting to talk about this with someone so here goes...
> 
> Had a fight last night, evening strated out great watched some tv together, I went to play the Wii for an hour and came back to bed... we were talking about stuff and my wife brought up something from earlier with our older daughter (11).
> ...


Your wife is being immature and childish throwing temper tantrums like that especially for such a trivial matter.

My son has grabbed some of my important court documents and scribbled on them. Was I pissed? Of course but would I explode over them and make other people miserable? 

Part of being an adult is controlling your feelings. I honestly do not understand why we put up with this from our spouses. I did and it just made it worse.


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

scione said:


> This is what I think. Your wife is jealous of your kid. You love your kid more than you love your wife. That's why she is pissed when she thinks you sided with the kid. And since you love your kid so much, she will take that away from you. How's my theory, is it close?


It seems to have some truth to it but I can't be sure 100%... although she sounded serious last night about leaving, she's done that before and am pretty sure it's just something to make me feel worst and play with my emotions...


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

Wow, just wow. I think everyone has missed the boat her. The problem is not with the checkbook. You did nothing wrong in explaining to your wife about the void checks the night before. NOTHING. Where you screwed up is here --> "Just shut up your pissing me off" and then you responded "ok goodness I can't even talk around here". 

She was WAY out of line and disrespectful. And you took it. And responded VERY weakly. And then followed her around like a puppy asking for forgiveness for having to go outside to pee! You didn't do anything and yet YOUR apologizing. HELLO, HELLO!

You should have responded immediately with "What did you just say to me" - sternly. And if she continued. Then. "The way you are talking to me is ENTIRELY unacceptable". Again sternly, but in control and confidently.

When she left I would have thanked her for taking her bad mood and terribly attitude elsewhere. And I would have left her there and never gone to her. I would have then dropped the emotional temperature in the house (look it up, excellent post by a poster named mem) to absolute zero with her until she apologized. And I would remain happy and upbeat with the kids and otherwise entertain myself in the garage or out with friends in the meantime.

You CAN NOT except being treated like that, or spoken to like that from anyone much less your wife. Have some balls, be a man. I'd put a million dollars on your sex life being less than you would like it to be as well.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

> Here's where I go from bad to worst, i replied with "ok goodness I can't even talk around here"...


Your wife unjustifiably tells you to shut up and you think saying..
"ok goodness I can't even talk around here" ..is going from bad to worse?



> I told her I was sorry to have hurt her feelings and she closed the door.


You were sorry you hurt her feelings?
WTF?

Why are YOU sorry?
What did you do wrong?



> Makes me soo sad that I chose to go too far


You`re sad?
You went too far?

Your wife doesn`t respect you because you don`t respect yourself dude.
You`re a weak little doormat and I`ve never met a woman who found that attractive.



> I keep remembering all the good times we have and it *makes me want to ballllllll.*


Yeah, that`s sexy, manly, and makes women swoon.

Strat, you need to grow a spine.
I`m willing to bet over half your problems would disappear once you did.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

:iagree:


Laurae1967 said:


> There are a few things:
> 
> 1) Your wife's behavior is immature and manipulative. You SHOULD be able to state your opinion without getting emotionally blackmailed. You didn't do anything wrong by stating your opinion. Your wife seems like she uses anger to control you. And you seem ready to take the blame. Not cool.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Your wife unjustifiably tells you to shut up and you think saying..
> "ok goodness I can't even talk around here" ..is going from bad to worse?
> 
> 
> ...


hmm to me it seems that it's getting worst because im starting to speak up and at least not leave everything be... im weak and soft I get that and weather she finds me sexy or not as a result I don't think she even thinks about it as much as I do. Once she's mad she just stays mad for long times and has no empathy for mine or any one elses feelings... im not ashamed to say that i feel like crying,,, who the heck doesn't cry anyway. When someone in my family is upset or hurt and I feel like I am the reason it makes me sad...
I know that I should try to be more stern but I think that this will be to the detriment of our family at this point and I don't know if I can take that on... thanks for reminding me though that i need to man up, many ppl have been telling me this. I just can't find the right way of doing it...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

strat_guy said:


> Once she's mad she just stays mad for long times and has no empathy for mine or any one elses feelings...


Find the strength to ignore this passive aggressive crap.
Refuse to put aside your boundaries to make her happy.
She`ll either come around or leave you.
If she leaves you because you refuse to devalue yourself for her benefit then you have lost nothing and gained the freedom to live your life the way you should.



> im not ashamed to say that i feel like crying,,, who the heck doesn't cry anyway.


I don`t.
I`m not saying I`ve never cried in front of my wife but I don`t make a habit out of it.
I wouldn`t last a minute in this relationship if she doubted my strength.



> When someone in my family is upset or hurt and I feel like
> I am the reason it makes me sad...


Your logic fails in this instance because this isn`t your fault.
You shouldn`t be feeling guilt you should be feeling righteous anger and then have the strength to control it.



> I know that I should try to be more stern but I think that this will be to the detriment of our family at this point and I don't know if I can take that on... thanks for reminding me though that i need to man up, many ppl have been telling me this. I just can't find the right way of doing it...


Think about what you`re teaching your daughter.
What is she going to take away from her experiences in your family concerning how she should treat her spouse?

What kind of man will she wind up with?

Being a strong man is never a detriment to your family.
If your wife can`t accept it and even revel in your strength then she only wanted a weakling she could control and manipulate to begin with and that`s why you were chosen.

What`s more detrimental to your family?


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Find the strength to ignore this passive aggressive crap.
> Refuse to put aside your boundaries to make her happy.
> She`ll either come around or leave you.
> If she leaves you because you refuse to devalue yourself for her benefit then you have lost nothing and gained the freedom to live your life the way you should.
> ...


sometimes i wish i wasn't in the relationship but now this far down the road I can't see it any other way... there are too many good times to give up on it... im going to try to ignore the behavior and see if she'll get the point...


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

Well I spoke to her at lunch, it wasn't a real pleasant conversation but we talked a little about how the day was going. She was still grumpy but didn't mention anything about it... we'll see how it goes by the time i get home.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> You need to take he approach I do with my wife i regards to our kids... whatever the other spouse says goes.
> 
> Afterwards (behind closed doors) if I have a problem with what my wife did I might mention it to her and allow her to explain why she did it. Then we can both agree on what would be a more effective way to handle it i the future.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> You need to take he approach I do with my wife i regards to our kids... whatever the other spouse says goes.
> 
> Afterwards (behind closed doors) if I have a problem with what my wife did I might mention it to her and allow her to explain why she did it. Then we can both agree on what would be a more effective way to handle it i the future.
> 
> ...


Thats good advice! I have tried that and i guess it still makes her feel like im after her weather the kids are around or not. I actually try to make sure I don't do that in front of them for sure as I know it reduces the power we have as a team...


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Strat-Guy . . . when this situations happens next time, first, make sure you hide the hairbrushes so she doesn't hit you with them.

Sry . . . just a little humor for a not-funny situtation.

What worked for me - and I had a similar situation where if I spoke my mind, there were 'consequences' - which could have been the cold shoulder, terse conversation, general chilly environment, up to, and including no sex. Argh!

But, before I would utter any unmentionables (meaning - those things that would result in 'consequences'), I would tell her that I expect the 'consequences' to happen (and name what they might be for you - her grumpiness, pouting, charging out of the room, etc) however, what you have to say is too important not to say it. And you might add whether it's important to you, or you think important to your relationship. And I would add - for the most serious of utterances, that I will no longer live my life, or be in a relationship where I cannot express what's on my mind - consequences or otherwise.

Then, let it rip.

Invite her to engage in constructive conversation about it if she wants to (not name-calling, blaming, etc. Constructive!). Her choice.

You've spoken your mind, you have predicted her immature response to it and you're done. If she has any self-respect she'll see that you have proactively called her on her bad behavior - and she'll change. Or she won't, then you'll have a better idea what you're dealing with. 

This has yielded amazing results for me, personally.

Good luck.


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

jayde said:


> Strat-Guy . . . when this situations happens next time, first, make sure you hide the hairbrushes so she doesn't hit you with them.
> 
> Sry . . . just a little humor for a not-funny situtation.
> 
> ...


that's really interesting... im going to hold on to this and try to apply it in the next conflict... thanks!!!


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## Carriage (Nov 8, 2011)

Sorry but I agree with most here. You need to put your foot down and stop being a doormat. Do NOT chase her to say you are sorry when pointing out different angles on a child's possible views. She is being VERY immature and controlling. A man becomes much more attractive when he is strong and stands up for himself. Don't mope!!! Tell her you will not tolerate her silly antics and tell her you will be the one who packs up the kids and leaves if she is not careful. Just try it (without folding 5 min later) and sit back and wait. I think you will be happy with the results. Good luck


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