# Wife's male friend



## soda

My wife and I have been married for more than 10 years. The last year of our marriage has not been its highlight, and both my wife and I have acknowledged this. Recently, I took issue with one of my wife's male friends. They were office friends when they worked together, and they have continued to contact each other after this. My wife phones or emails him regularly, and she recently came home to tell me that they had lunch together. I took issue with the matter and expressed my concerns. My wife stated that she "isn't doing anything wrong -- that it is just a friendship." She said that she has no attraction to him. I don't know this man well, but I have met him. He is significantly overweight and unattractive (my wife is physically fit and attractive) My wife and I have continued to disagree about the issue. I don't think she should be seeing him one-on-one, but she continues to state that I have nothing to worry about -- that she has no interest in him beyond friendship. Am I being silly to make an issue of this? My wife and I are about to start marriage counseling to work on the overall health of marriage. Am I being silly to raise this as an issue. She's being forthright with me in telling me about the relationship, but I still have my concerns about the value my wife is placing on her friendship because it seems to be a big deal to her.


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## draconis

Ask her the question in reverse. Is it okay for me to have one-on-one relationships with women? Let her soak it in because often people don't see an issue when they are the ones in control of the situation.

draconis


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## swedish

If it is bothering you, I don't think it's silly to bring it up in counseling. Talking through it with a third party may get you to realize it's no big deal or get your wife to realize it's not a healthy relationship to have within your marriage, whichever may be the case, but it's better to work through it than to let it fester within.

I think it's easy to get defensive in situations where your spouse wants you to do or stop doing something and you don't see anything wrong with it. It's just natural to want to protect your freedom. In these cases, I think it's better to talk about why it bothers you and how it makes you feel vs. trying to argue the point whether it's right or wrong because your goal is to feel better about it not to win an argument. If through talking, she decides to end the friendship because she believes it will help your marriage be sure to let her know how much it means to you and how it makes you feel...also important to talk about positive things/feelings


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## Corina

Hi Soda. I understand what you're talking about, and Draconis's suggestion is a good one. I think it would take a big step on my part to accept it if my husband were such good friends with a female and regularly meeting her.

Having said that, one of my best friends is a man (also an ex co-worker). We make an effort to get together at least once or twice a month for dinner, cocktails and a movie. I've always gotten along better with men than women. My husband has never had a problem with this and knows that when I'm out with David I'm safe and in good hands.

I am so *not* attracted to David - he's not my type at all. But he is a real genuine friend, and they are hard to come by. I also have two best girlfriends, but they live 5000 miles away (not joking), so I am really grateful to have such a great friend here. Every once in a while my husband will come along for a drink or the movie, and David and I are both fine about it. What about joining your wife and her friend for lunch a few times - then you could also get a sense of the vibes that are going on there.

I don't know your wife, but I can imagine that she is telling the truth and you have no worries. The fact that you two will be beginning therapy together also shows me that she cares and wants to make an effort!


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## happilymarried67

I don't care how fat and ugly someone may seem to you if she feels like she can communicate with him on a one on one basis I would be alittle concerned. I'm just saying as a woman, if he makes her feel good about herself---???

I agree with having the shoe on the other foot, and I am glad that you are both starting marriage counceling because a married woman should not be hanging out with a guy or going to lunch with a guy who is not her husband (or a male relative).


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## GAsoccerman

I would try and get to know the guy.

I have several friends that are females.

On a closer note, I became friendly with one of my female neighbors, who is the same age as me and is very attractive. Her kids and my kids became very good friends so we spent allot of time together.

So much so, people thought she was my wife, but we were friends. I could tell that her husband who was balding and overweight was visable concerned "something" was going on, my wife knew nothing was, my wife is extremely attractive as well. But I am a decent looking fellow, Fit, in shape, dirty blonde hair, blue eyes.

Anyway I could tell her husband felt threatened by me, So I made it a point to spend more time with Both of them, and Also just him, to create that Bond between men. He soon realized I had zero interest in his wife, that she was more like a "sister" to me then anything else.

So now we are all comfortable in our own skin and can joke around. To teh point of During the super bowl they were Patriot fans and we were Giant fans, before the game, HE said, "Hey how about if the Patriots win I get to have sex with your wife, and if the Giants win you get to have sex with my wife!" and before I could get a word out...The DEATH look and his wife said, "Oh I will F him alright" He quickly cancelled the bet and we switched it to my suggestion of the other couple has to wear the other teams jersey to our annual luau......But since the Giants WON the game I can not resist to "dig" him a little, but he knows, My wife knows, and His wife knows....Nothing will ever happen between any of us except a good game of cards and a laugh over a few drinks.

Guys and Girls can be friends, but it takes Maturity and understanding of where the line is.


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## happilymarried67

GAsoccerman said:


> I would try and get to know the guy.
> 
> I have several friends that are females.
> 
> On a closer note, I became friendly with one of my female neighbors, who is the same age as me and is very attractive. Her kids and my kids became very good friends so we spent allot of time together.
> 
> So much so, people thought she was my wife, but we were friends. I could tell that her husband who was balding and overweight was visable concerned "something" was going on, my wife knew nothing was, my wife is extremely attractive as well. But I am a decent looking fellow, Fit, in shape, dirty blonde hair, blue eyes.
> 
> Anyway I could tell her husband felt threatened by me, So I made it a point to spend more time with Both of them, and Also just him, to create that Bond between men. He soon realized I had zero interest in his wife, that she was more like a "sister" to me then anything else.
> 
> So now we are all comfortable in our own skin and can joke around. To teh point of During the super bowl they were Patriot fans and we were Giant fans, before the game, HE said, "Hey how about if the Patriots win I get to have sex with your wife, and if the Giants win you get to have sex with my wife!" and before I could get a word out...The DEATH look and his wife said, "Oh I will F him alright" He quickly cancelled the bet and we switched it to my suggestion of the other couple has to wear the other teams jersey to our annual luau......But since the Giants WON the game I can not resist to "dig" him a little, but he knows, My wife knows, and His wife knows....Nothing will ever happen between any of us except a good game of cards and a laugh over a few drinks.
> 
> Guys and Girls can be friends, but it takes Maturity and understanding of where the line is.


Well said---:smthumbup:


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## dbj1971

I agree with happilymarried67 on this one... a man or woman has no business being friends with a person of the opposite sex in the manner described in this post. Both husband and wife can be friends (TOGETHER) with another couple, always getting together and relating as a couple to a couple, but the one-on-one friendships are inappropriate and are a potential powderkeg.

I would also submit that if the husband feels uncomfortable about the wife's friendship and if she really loves her husband, then she should put the husband's feelings and views over the friends and even her own. This is true also if it were the other way around.

I have been married for almost 16 years and I have never had (nor my wife) a friend of the opposite sex, except in the context of my wife and I relating to another couple (always in that context, 2 relating to 2).

You can call me old fashioned, but going out to dinner with another person of the opposite sex, going to a movie, dancing, etc. are all "dates" and are forms of intimacy. I'm not talking about sex, but there are various levels of intimacy. A married person has no business going out on dates with anyone other than their spouse.

It seems as if some people want the security and stability that a marriage brings on the one hand, but on the other hand they want to act like they're still single. You can't have it both ways without someone getting hurt.

It's also selfish to say "I see nothing wrong with it" and expect the upset spouse to just accept it. True love puts your spouse's feelings before your own.

You will hear people say that they have had an opposite-sex friendship for years and nothing bad ever happened. People have done lots of inappropriate or dangerous things and got by without disaster, but that doesn't make their acts any less inappropriate or unwise.

DJ


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## Corina

GAsoccerman said:


> I would try and get to know the guy.
> ...
> Guys and Girls can be friends, but it takes Maturity and understanding of where the line is..


:iagree:

Why does it have to come down to a sex issue? I talk to my male friend about a lot of the same things that I talk to my girlfriends about (and my husband too). Does this mean that one of my girlfriends might make a move on me? And am I forced to only speak to my husband if I want a male point of view?

As soon as you start talking about who your spouse is allowed to spend time with, it's getting silly. We're partners, not parents.


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## Russell

Well... in your wifes defense, I've been in this situation and it also was 'appearing' that my wife's brother's wife (my sister in law by marriage) and I had something going on. So now I make it a point to have my wife around when I am near my sister in law. Or I make it a point to have her brother around. At least the kids anyways. I mean, its not like there is something going on, however once I took a step back, it did look that way, even to me. 

So concern is warranted... however take it at face value until you can prove otherwise. On the same token, you must also be confident enough in yourself to be able to tell your wife your concerns in a manner that is something very tactful. Now, I had a First Seargeant of mine define tact as telling someone to go to hades, and having them want to go. So when you bring this up in counceling (a good idea someone else brought up) make sure you present your concerns in a mannner that express yourself clearly, and at the same time, let your wife know how much you love her and are concerned with her love for you. I think thats how I would approach this. By the way, when was the last time you bought your wife a rose... for no reason at all? Just a suggestion.


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## justean

i have male friends. but i dont go out to lunch with my male colleagues or one on one. i dont think its fair to do that to someone whilst in a relationship.
i think there can be innocence and nothin happening in any given situation, but i think you have a repect for your partner and of their feelings. would i like my partner doing it and the answer is NO.


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## GAsoccerman

Well I can only speak for myself and the relationship I have with my wife.

We trust each other and communicate often.

I have several female friends and my wife has several male friends.

Been married 12 years, together for 19 years.


Sometimes trust has to do with ones own insecurities. But only you can gauge your relationship and find what is acceptable and where to draw the line. But I would not jump to conclusions.


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## The Knight

If you think that this friendship is inappropriate then you are completely justified in this point of view. Your feelings are quite valid and it is right for you to confront your wife (gently) about this situation.

Your wife may very well be telling the truth about the fact that it is just a friendship and there is no attraction. But there are boundries that must be respected with married persons. If you feel that a boundary has been crossed then I will have to agree with you.

Your wife may have a void in her life that she is trying to fill with this man. Talk to her and try to discover what this void is. A harmless friendship can easily develop into something more if the situation is right.

God bless


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## soda

*Re: Wife's male friend--considering divorce*

My wife and I started counseling, and we also spent a weekend getaway with each other. I also discussed my concerns with her again, and she started crying. She said that I am just jealous. Now, she did invite her male friend and his signicant other over to our house so I could get to know him better (at my request.) I could have predicted that "male friend" would find an excuse to turn down the invite. (I extended the same invite previously.) On Sunday night, she looked at me and said. "Okay, you know that I'm not being unfaithful, right? I am not being unfaithful. It is just a friendship." I'm not sure anymore. I should mention that when my wife and I were first married that we had a similar issue. Same conditions...someone much older than her, overweight, unattractive, who didn't have his crap together. I had a close friend point out all the parellels, and it shocked me. In both cases, the "friend" seems to be the exact opposite of me. I keep myself fit, I am successful professionally, and while I might not be the best looking dude in the world, I am not paunchy, balding, and hit with the ugly stick.
I am at a point now where I am considering letting her throw her marriage away over her friend. I am contacting a divorce attorney for advice.


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## draconis

WOW, divorce?

Maybe she has a savior complex, always wanting to "save" people. Maybe not.

Either way only you can decide how you feel in the relationship and have to be responcible to make yourself happy.

I wish you the best of luck.

draconis


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## soda

I don't know if it's a savior complex, but the similarities in both circumstances are somewhat ironic.

I am very tired of wanting the marriage more than she does. If she wants to throw her marriage away over a relationship that has no future, I'm inclined to let her. My initial reaction was to doubt myself, beat myself up, and consider myself lower than her friend, but I've come to the realization that I am better than that.


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## draconis

Yes soda you are better then that. She needs to realize that family comes first, and that you can continue the relationship by yourself. 

I wish you the best of luck, I know that divorce can be as or more painful and I will keep you in my prayers.

draconis


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## GAsoccerman

Soda, I really think you are going over board here, Please try and get to know the guy. I am sure his wife is curious about your wife as well.

Please really think this through, getting a divorce is the last thing you want to do here.

People can be friends


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## hadi

does anyone know how this ended


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## boysmakegoodpets

dbj1971 said:


> ...a man or woman has no business being friends with a person of the opposite sex in the manner described in this post.


hi all; i'm new here (first post!); i just joined because i felt compelled to chime in on this one. let me begin by acknowledging that - like much posted here, or to any other forum, by anyone - my posts will be based on little more than my opinions and experience, and as such they have no value or importance beyond any support, encouragement, or useful food for thought they may provide to others. i can't claim to know any better than anyone else what is Right and what is Wrong; everyone should decide for themselves whether what i have to offer is right for them, or whether they'd do better to ignore it, and likewise should recognize that they have neither the right nor the ability to tell anyone else what they should do, or should consider to be right or wrong.

that said, my opinion is that sentiments such as that expressed by DJ, and i guess by HappilyMarried67 - that "a man or woman has no business being friends with a person of the opposite sex in the manner described in this post" - are precisely what cause marriage to be perceived, both by the general public and by its participants, as limiting, stultifying, a burden, and a prison to be escaped. except in cases where all participants have explicitly consented to such an exchange of power, to say "okay, you're my girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband now - now i own you and i have the right to dictate the terms of your life, including what you do with other people" is to take a stance rooted in insecurity, distrust, and disrespect, and to cook up a surefire recipe for disaster that will without fail result in the unhappiness of the participants and, most likely, the eventual dissolution of the relationship/marriage.

i am not now, nor have i yet been married; all i can tell you from personal experience is that:

- the primary reason i have not yet been married has been because i've dreaded the limitations and restrictions that institution, as defined by most of my previous girlfriends, would have placed upon me;

- i have quit two relationships, including one i thought might last my lifetime, to escape such possessiveness on the part of my partner, and

- i am now, at last, with a woman to whom i can contemplate marriage intelligently, rationally, and without any fear whatsoever - the reason being that, in marriage, as in our present unmarried state, she wishes to place no such limitations or restrictions upon me, and will accept no such limitations or restrictions placed upon herself. she will not only speak to whomever she wants and spend time with whomever she wants, but will sleep with whomever she wants, whenever she wants, and allows me the same freedom. and as a result, i am, for the first time in my almost 50 years on this Earth and in the course of eight or nine serious relationships with women, both secure in a deeply loving relationship and completely free to be who _i_ am and live my life _at the same time_. only one woman has offered me such freedom in the past, and it was me who wasn't ready for it then - i was too immature and inexperienced at that time to understand what she wanted or how such a relationship could work. now i understand it, and a woman has found me who also understands it, and we are very happy and excited about our future.

for those who take the possessive stance, and those victimized by it, there are three choices when the desire arises to connect, on any level, with a person of whatever sex one finds sexually attractive: one may

1) deny one's desire, possibly obsess over it, and lament what might have been;

2) deceive one's possessive partner and indulge the connection behind their back, or

3) quit the relationship with the possessive partner.

for those free of the burden of a possessive partner, however, there arises a fourth option: to both have love and live one's life as one wishes, all while living free of guilt and the burden of deception.

one can obtain this freedom from a possessive partner in either of two ways: one can

1) be without a partner, and so without love, or

2) be with a partner who is not possessive, and thus have love without the burdensome and relationship-straining limitations imposed by possessiveness.

there are a lot of places in life where you're not allowed to make the rules, so where the rules are yours to make, you should take full advantage and make them to your liking. cheating is breaking rules. and it's always up to the participants in a relationship to decide whether the problem arose when the rules were broken, or when they were put in place.

it's just something to think about: that the forms and perceptions of relationship (or of anything) thrust upon one by a government, a church, the media, and by social convention are not one's only options, and that there might be other options out there that might better suit one's own temperament and world view.

the options that don't suit your temperament and world view, don't worry yourself about. the options that do suit your temperament and world view, consider. that's about the shortest course in stress-reduction i know. 

have love, have happiness, have fun!


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## lordmayhem

Geez, a nearly 4 year old thread that got necroed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## boysmakegoodpets

lordmayhem said:


> Geez, a nearly 4 year old thread that got necroed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


it seems to me that when the last person posted to a thread has no bearing on its relevance. if the thread's still up and visible, people can still find it and read it (as i just did on this twelfth day of March, 2012), and if it's still open (as this one was), the discussion's still open. the original poster may not still be interested, but plenty of other people may find it interesting/useful/relevant.

if people don't want a thread posted to anymore, they should close it. if they don't close it, either because they choose not to or because they don't have thread-closing privileges, then a long gap between posts really doesn't matter, does it?

(fantastic avatar, btw. i blew on my screen twice before i realized what was going on. :rofl


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## CH

He makes her feel like a goddess? Not so good looking guy out with a hot girl, fanning over her, making her feel like the queen of the world.

They're just friends but she probably loves the attention he throws at her?

How many stories do you read about where the OM or OW was way below the spouses in terms of looks and the BS just scratches their heads and wonder how the F is that even possible.

Well, because they lack in the looks department (from peoples point of view) they make it up in the personality & attention giving department BIG TIME.

Stroke that little flame long enough it'll turn into a bone fire eventually.


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