# I'm a good person, what to do?



## ITSASECRET (Mar 13, 2011)

Background, been married for almost 3 years now, been together for 8, we have a new baby. Even before the baby was born sex-life has been going downhill steadily from the start of the relationship to now. Obviously being pregnant and having a baby puts a bit of a damper on things, taking care of the baby is hard and stressful and puts a damper on things too.... 

Baby is 3 months old now and is starting to be a little easier to care for, many times he'll go to sleep giving us opportunities to be with each other throughout the night, 99% of the time nothing happens.

But there's never an effort, any time there is a hint of me trying to initiate sex its rejected, I feel rejected and unwanted by my wife. Any sort of talk about the topic results in tears or a fight, any sort of talk that this is not normal, same result.

And yes I help out, I go above and beyond to be honest with you, I work 10-11 hours a day during the week, make a lot of money, buy her anything she wants, I would say I do 60-70% of the cooking when I come home from work, I do at least 50% of the inside housework, and the outside housework probably 95% as apparently that doesnt count when considering who does what because "I enjoy it?". So I know she's not pissed as me because im lazy or not helping out, if she is she has serious problems.

She wont even kiss me or make out with me which sometimes is just what I would like to do. This is the direction it was heading before baby, baby just made it worse.

So......... who else has been through this? What should I do next, try to talk again (that never goes well, its always an "attack" on her, or I get lines like "you just always want sex"), suggest counselling? I honestly feel she does not realize what I do and what it would be like with someone else, I am very observant and see what her friends husbands are like, and even my friends, I honestly dont know how their wives can stand them most of them are lazy, but they both seem happy. I'm not happy, I go to bed every night with a pain in my body, my head, my heart, I'm missing a huge part of life. I'm so jealous of people who have and enjoy sex together. Even when we have sex its the same position every time, zero foreplay, zero oral, no interesting positions. I'm open to anything. I'm afraid to try anything as its almost always met with her tensing up and holding me back from doing it, etc. We've had sex about 4 times in the last 9 months.....

I'm very patient but I know deep inside this will catch up with me some day and it will break me, I can't do this forever, some day it will be too much. I think of the new baby and don't want to disrupt his life, I dont want to cheat i dont want to be one of those guys. What do I do I need help on this one.....

Before marriage you think, that wont be me, this will work, how can people divorce each other, why do people cheat, when you're living it and have this hole inside you thats eating away at you 24 hours a day every day, I totally get it, I feel for anyone who has been driven to cheat or make the decision to leave............


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## NewZealand (Mar 2, 2011)

Hi there

I have been where you are, so I talk from experience. Sex is a mans highest priority, and more than a physical act, it is an emotional need. You want to feel wanted and loved, and sex it what does that for you. When a woman makes love to her man, and responds well during intercourse it makes a man feel good, wanted and fulfilled - so the question is, how do we get this very important emotional need met.

We have to realize, what we sow, is what we will reap. I feel you need to sow into your wife. I see you are meeting a lot of physical needs but not emotional. You need to know what those emotional needs are, because this is your wife - and if you do not know, then ask, it will not hurt to ask. When you have figured out her emotional needs then start fulfilling them, one at a time. It is not a good idea fulfilling them and expecting sex - do it because you LOVE her and expect nothing in return. Little by little and day by day, she will change and slowly your own emotional needs will be met.

Let me share with you something I did recently - I spent a full hour rubbing my darlings feet. I bought some moisturizer and I washed, soaked her feet in warm water and massaged them for a full hour. I did it without expecting sex as repay and just did it because I LOVE her. It is unconditional love, expecting NOTHING in return. I rubbed and chatted to her, and LISTENED to her and day by day things changed. They still are changing, in every way.

Sow into your wife, and meet those EMOTIONAL needs.

I hope this helps you!


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

check out gottmans "and a baby makes three" book.

Counseling is an option if you guys stay stuck in this. Sex is often a very tricky subject. People get hurt fast and a ton of stuff ties into it. Often, everything else in the marriage has to be good to great or it doesn't happen and when it falls out everyone gets hurt quickly and deeply.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Go to "married man sex life" and read. My guess - you are 100 percent beta with her. She wants/needs some alpha.  Go and read - then come back.




ITSASECRET said:


> Background, been married for almost 3 years now, been together for 8, we have a new baby. Even before the baby was born sex-life has been going downhill steadily from the start of the relationship to now. Obviously being pregnant and having a baby puts a bit of a damper on things, taking care of the baby is hard and stressful and puts a damper on things too....
> 
> Baby is 3 months old now and is starting to be a little easier to care for, many times he'll go to sleep giving us opportunities to be with each other throughout the night, 99% of the time nothing happens.
> 
> ...


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

I could have written this post myself. 

You can try to talk to her more about it, but it hasn't helped me any. My H thinks i am "attacking" him when I bring it up. 

You do A LOT more around the house then my H does.

I would lay everything out on the table and I DO mean EVERYTHING. 
She either will or she won't. and sometime you just have to compromise. (Which i think compromise is total B.S)

You can only be patient for so long then the resentment kicks in.


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## Camper (Feb 26, 2011)

Yep, sounds like married life to me. My wife is very happily married... Same thing happens to me. Sorry I'm of no help, only good for support on this one.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This is fixable. I have been in your shoes.

You know what your emotional need is in the marriage: Sex.
Your wife has emotional needs that you are not meeting. You have not discovered them yet. You THINK they are income, housework, cooking. But her reaction tells me that these are not her needs. You should read the Man Up and Nice Guy posts as well as marriedmansexlife website. But also, you have to discover what your particular wife's emotional needs are.

Here is another point. It is very hard to meet her emotional needs when you are working 10-12 hours a day. It is a big mistake to assume that working hard and earning money are important to your wife. She needs to connect with you at an emotional level. Here's another red flag: You work all these hours and come home and do outside work (she observes that you like it). You think in your head that you are helping the house and she should appreciate it. What she sees is you putting yourself first.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> So......... who else has been through this? What should I do next, try to talk again (that never goes well, its always an "attack" on her, or I get lines like "you just always want sex"), suggest counselling?


I've been there. . .we are divorced. I used to think the same thing - how do people get divorced? Marriage becomes a prision in this kind of circumstance. Your vows are your shackles.

I have noticed a theme with the divorcees I have dated - most of the women come from alcoholics; most of the men come from depressives.

Try all of the things listed above. 

Good luck.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Insightful advice from Hicks here. I agree. Get her to talk



Hicks said:


> This is fixable. I have been in your shoes.
> 
> You know what your emotional need is in the marriage: Sex.
> Your wife has emotional needs that you are not meeting. You have not discovered them yet. You THINK they are income, housework, cooking. But her reaction tells me that these are not her needs. You should read the Man Up and Nice Guy posts as well as marriedmansexlife website. But also, you have to discover what your particular wife's emotional needs are.
> ...


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## ITSASECRET (Mar 13, 2011)

Some helpful things here, glad I asked..... It just helps talking to men and women who have been through it, women's perspective could be very valuable here. I'd really like to know from a woman's point of view

Looks like I have some reading to do, if we didnt have the baby things may have been different it may have been enough for me to leave, but I just look at him and dont want to do anything that would hurt him. I never make decision based on pure emotion and try to keep a cool head, very few arguments in the house because of this.

Re the housework, I can't stand a dirty house, so I clean, I can't stand not eating, so I cook. I need clothes so I do my own laundry (she has a mountain of dirty clothes haha).

On the outside work, there are things I enjoy, building things, fixing things, etc. Things I definately dont like doing, dog ****, garbage, etc.

Theres just so much to be done, and I always hear "look how lazy so and so's husband is how can she stand them" so I try to be the opposite of that guy, not because of the comments, I'd do what I do regardless because thats me I'm not content to sit still, but from what I've been hearing its a good thing.

I'll do some reading, I'll honestly try to implement what I read, and we'll see what happens.

To be truthful I had given up kind of, I'm not spineless Mr nice guy, but I'm not hurtful, avoid confrontation, try to avoid arguing but you know when I'm not happy about something, so I dont think thats it, that I'm too nice or accomodating and seen as a wimp losing her respect, I really doubt thats it.

The reason I'd given up is because I feel like, and I know I have been, giving 110% in so many areas, finances, chores, home improvements, helping out, more so than anyone I know or have ever know, most people who meet me are amazed at what I get done, and I felt that I was expecting so very little in return, the only thing I ever ask for is to have a decent sex life and to be treated with respect (ie dont yell at me, dont talk to me with a pissy tone, cut me some slack on the small stuff that you make a big deal about, etc). When I wasn't getting that one thing I felt, why invest even more on top of what I'm doing for her when she doesnt know how good she has it compared to other guys, when its probably just something else that will be willingly accepted by her without fulfilling my one need.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

ITSASECRET said:


> Looks like I have some reading to do, if we didnt have the baby things may have been different it may have been enough for me to leave, but I just look at him and dont want to do anything that would hurt him. I never make decision based on pure emotion and try to keep a cool head, very few arguments in the house because of this.


Keep in mind your wife operates with emotion, and makes all her decisions on that basis... Including being far more willing to leave you then you are to leave her.



ITSASECRET said:


> Re the housework, I can't stand a dirty house, so I clean, I can't stand not eating, so I cook. I need clothes so I do my own laundry (she has a mountain of dirty clothes haha).


Also tells her "I THINK YOU ARE A BAD WIFE". She wants you to hold her accountable for doing her share.




ITSASECRET said:


> Theres just so much to be done, and I always hear "look how lazy so and so's husband is how can she stand them" so I try to be the opposite of that guy, not because of the comments, I'd do what I do regardless because thats me I'm not content to sit still, but from what I've been hearing its a good thing.


I can assure you that your wife is not comparing you favorably to other men, if she is not horny for you.



ITSASECRET said:


> The reason I'd given up is because I feel like, and I know I have been, giving 110% in so many areas, finances, chores, home improvements, helping out, more so than anyone I know or have ever know, most people who meet me are amazed at what I get done, and I felt that I was expecting so very little in return, the only thing I ever ask for is to have a decent sex life and to be treated with respect (ie dont yell at me, dont talk to me with a pissy tone, cut me some slack on the small stuff that you make a big deal about, etc). When I wasn't getting that one thing I felt, why invest even more on top of what I'm doing for her when she doesnt know how good she has it compared to other guys, when its probably just something else that will be willingly accepted by her without fulfilling my one need.


Have you told your wife just this? If you are THAT GOOD,you would be confident that by telling her exactly what you have written that she will start working on her end. That's what this man up stuff is all about.. You are not MANNING UP if you are not confronting her about the imbalance of effort being put into the marriage. She would see this as weakness if you are allowing her to slack while you are working hard. 

But I still wonder what are you doing to make her happy at an emotional level... This is crtical.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I see it another way. 
It is good to have a healthy sense of your own value but it has to be in the context of your relationship. I think you are both equally good and valuable, you are no more than she. So if you start from there it is easier to concentrate on the problems in your marriage and not get side tracked by overvaluing yourself and undervaluing your wife. You wife is probably some other man's dream woman, so come down to earth. 

How are you both different from your dating days? Is there affection only when there is sex to be had, do you talk to each other the way you did when you were dating, still say loving things to each other, is sex good for her, still spend enough time in foreplay, are you asking for the type of sex that gives you an orgasm but she has to forego hers (bj, hj, anal, positions that don't get her an O, hit it and quit it)? 

Woman do not understand a mans need for sex and the devastation of rejection and men don't understand a woman's need for reassurances that they are loved and for non-sexual affection and the devastation to the self-esteem when these are not provided. In addition, far too many men think that a woman having an orgasm is not important to her so they get lazy. If sex is not satisfying, she is unlikely to want it frequently. 

Do some reading and share with your wife. Remember she is not the enemy and you are not engaged in a war with her so don't go to your battle stations in this. I think manning up is not telling a women what you want and how you want it. That will not work, but it is being man enough to learn about what makes your relationship successful and to take the lead in making it so.


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