# husband cheated and now...



## confusedyoungwife (Jul 4, 2011)

so we havent had a gr8 marraige for a bout a year things have been ruff. the husband made friends with a women and cheated...he blames me for one for rejecting him sexually after the birth of our now 7 month old daughter... i am so confused. found out about the cheating... well kissing oft his other women who he swore was his"friend" on 7th june.. been in counselling once a week since then. my problem is i don't think he feels remorseful, he doesnt show it granted has never worn his feelings on his sleeve. I jsut dont know how i fee or what to do how to cope and fix my life and be happy again... I hate this feeling and i hate loving someone who doesnt seem to love me back anymore the same way! he says he loves me in his heart but is not in love with me anymore... please guys advice on how to try and get through this hard part in life without walking away to heal the hurt.... because believe it or not i love the man! jsut wish i knew he loved me half as much!


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## confusedyoungwife (Jul 4, 2011)

not one response! shall i just give up then


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

are you both in councelling or just you?


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## confusedyoungwife (Jul 4, 2011)

we are both in counselling at the moment... he was so adamant about not going but he has never been so opne about his feelings ever as he is in that room!


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Is there any chance he is seeing her?


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## confusedyoungwife (Jul 4, 2011)

no there is not. i deleted and her spouse knew as well and everyone involved agreed absolutely no contact! i have been checking his mails phone etc etc.. feel like a policeman it sucks!


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Then he needs to express what he NEEDS in your relationship, not just how he feels.


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## confusedyoungwife (Jul 4, 2011)

is it not and here i am being very selfish more about what he should want to give me to help me get over the betrayal! I am finding it so hard to cope with the emotions! some days i jsut want to sit and cry all day long! others i would love to beat him to a pulp. but it is so much harder when he doesn't show he loves, ie. by showing affection.


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## PartlyCloudy (Jun 6, 2011)

It is NOT NOT NOT your fault that he cheated. He may have been feeling rejected, but he CHOSE how he handled it. He needs to own his bad choices. 

It's good that you two are in counseling. That will help you figure out what went wrong in the marriage & what you (both) need to do to fix it. It's important you acknowledge your part in the marriage getting "rough" & do whatever you have to to make it better. 

However, anything you did pales in comparison to cheating. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal & needs to be dealt w/before any other issues.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

confusedyoungwife said:


> not one response! shall i just give up then


You need some patience, just because no one responded within two hours of your post does not mean you have to pout. By my clock, you posted at 3am early Monday morning, and for those in the US, it's the Independence Day weekend, with the 4th of July being today. I just happen to work the nightshift, otherwise I would be sleeping in like a lot of people.


It sounds to me that there is still contact, and it may have gone underground. The most common affair tools are the secret email account and the secret cell phone. Do you have a keylogger installed on the computer? How about a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR)? 

Read this: 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/26439-bill-rights-betrayed.html


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## confusedyoungwife (Jul 4, 2011)

thanks! he keeps blaming my pushing him away as a reason to have gonet o look for "companionahsip" elsewhere! its not even abotut he kiss its about the pain i feel when i look at him with love and know that he may have been "in love" with someone else! i am trying so hard to not bringt he cheating up anymore and to try and work through this but man is it hard!  this site is really helped me by reading others and that i am not alone in the way i feel at all


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

What he's doing is blame shifting. Do not stand for it. First off, know that the affair is not your fault. Have you been the perfect wife? Of course not, no one is. He had other options besides cheating, such as communicating with you on working out the marital problems, going to Marriage Counseling (MC), divorce, etc. Yet he chose the easy option: cheating. Most likely because the Other Woman (OW) stroked his ego and provided the shoulder to cry on. Your husband is now a Wayward Husband (WH), so consider him as such. He will give the common excuses: You weren’t there for him, OWM provided for his needs because you couldn’t, etc.

The last thing you should do is to cry, beg, and/or plead with him. This not only makes you unattractive, it drives him away. Trying your best to be the best wife doesn’t work either, because you cannot compete with the fantasy he has built up about the OW.

No! You have to bring up the cheating! He has to OWN it and take responsiblity for it, and NOT continue to blame you. He had other options, but he chose to cheat. He must still be in contact with this OW using some method that you don't know about. You will only make things worse for yourself if you try to sweep this under the rug.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/26360-betrayed-spouse-script.html


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## confusedyoungwife (Jul 4, 2011)

thanks for your post... i am pretty sure he is not in contact as i have asked her husband myself and he has taken her cell away etc... so i am not sure how they are in contact if they are? 

so don;t be the prefect wife, dont cry don't beg?? what am i suppose to do not care and just carry on like i am okay with the way i am being treated when i am so not?  I donlt know how else to call it except that i care and wish i didnt so that it didnt bug me that he doesn't show me affection. 
he did say in the begging when i first found out he is sorry... and he didn't mean for it to happen she was just a friend! famous words! 

we are in counselling and i will most definitely not sweep it under the rug.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

confusedyoungwife said:


> 1) i am pretty sure he is not in contact as i have asked her husband myself and he has taken her cell away etc... so i am not sure how they are in contact if they are?
> 
> 2) so don;t be the prefect wife, dont cry don't beg?? what am i suppose to do not care and just carry on like i am okay with the way i am being treated when i am so not?
> 3) he did say in the begging when i first found out he is sorry... and he didn't mean for it to happen she was just a friend! famous words!
> ...



1. Emails, internet - have you checked all sources?
2. Read up on the 180. Implementing parts of that will help.
3. Action mean more than words - what has he done to PROVE he's sorry and wants to make it work?
4. Keep it up


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## confusedyoungwife (Jul 4, 2011)

1. she deleted her facebook account. and i know this as she was quite clear to my husband she wants no more contact. 
2. thanks i will do. 
3. he refused counselling when we identified marriage issues and when i found out about EA i said there is absolutely no choice you want a secound chance then we go or i take our 7 month old and leave. 
4. thanks trying session tomorrow and its going to be about affection i am so tired of feeling this way and he wants me to be intimate sexually but he cant hug or kiss me which is more important to me than sex.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

confusedyoungwife said:


> he wants me to be intimate sexually but he cant hug or kiss me which is more important to me than sex.


You may want to let him know that hugging and kissing, proper kissing, not the half second peck, cause a natural bond to develop which in turn leads to increased sexual desire in both parties. It's in his interests to be affectionate.


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## confusedyoungwife (Jul 4, 2011)

yeah i have done that... in no uncertain terms i have also been nasty about him not wanting to get over kissing her etc etc... nastiness i know... but i can;t help the anger

he says he needs to want to be affectionate to wards me he can;t jsut do it... but i must jsut do it... excuse the puns LOL. its like my needs are unimportant to him until he is "in love with me again! i have this uncontrollabel want to look for my affection elsewhere and i refuse to be a second wrong!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Confused don't be so certain they are not in contact still. If you read some of the post by LS, the WS have ways of binding contact. They lie lie lie. They may promise and seem sincere but they find a way. Assume he is still in contact until you have irrefutable evidence otherwise. 

Let's look at this. You had this man's child a scant 7 months ago. This is your first child?? You are exhausted leaning to be a parent and your attention has shifted to your husband to his child's survival. A good man with character and maturity would be by his wife's side and involved with his new child and caring for it's mother. Instead he abandons you and his child and runs to OW because he is not get the attention he believes he is entitled to.

Is this what has happened. The way you are behaving now is like he has the first right of refusal and has risked nothing by hurting you. Why should that be? There are consequences, don't make him so sure you will stay with him. He is too sure that he has the position of power and he can do as he pkeases . The only way to get a good and loving husband is to make up in your head that you are willing to let him go. His position in your life is not assured. Men don't respect what cones easily. You are making him think you will forgive him no matter what . That cant be true unless you are willing to be a doormat and second best. Don't do that to yourself women who hang on no matter what end up with no self esteem and a shadow of themselves. 

Until he is ready to come to you with a sincere regret and is willing to atone for how he has abandoned you and his own child, you have no way to ever trust him again. If he thinks that his need for sex is so important that nothing, not even the feelings of wife, the stability of a family for the child he brought into the would, it is highly likely that he will feel justified in cheating when ever he pleases. 

Right now he is still cheating in that he feels justified so I think you should cut him off don't beg don't explain don't listen to his rationalizations. Right now his blame shifting is doing exactly what it is meant to do - making him the victim and you wrong. Now isn't that something. Look at was you are doing you are going to him begging him to see how he hurt you. If he were truly repentant he would recognize that you are the vulnerable one needing protection and love of a good man not a boy. 

You need to study up on cheaters there is good information on this site so you know what you are in for and how to handle it. You should know tgat if your goal is to trust him and have the type of marriage where you are both meeting each others needs it may take as much as 2 years. If you are being told to move on quickly by your MC and not to ask questions, find another one. This just happened you are not yet ready to forgive him because you really don't know what he has done yet and if he is still doing it. 

Get to know all you can about cheating, stop going to him and asking him for reassurance that never works. It makes him think that you do not value yourself and you think you deserve to be treated with the cruelty he is showing. 

Woman up and act in a dignified manner refuse to put your happiness in the hands of a man who has proven unworthy. Become a b***h make him work for you. Cut him off from all support of any type, be cool business like. Talk about money childcare household chores only. 

Let him feel what it will be like when he loses you and his family. If he is sincere he will come to you if not then he will not. This is difficult but if you give forgiveness cheaply he will treat you as if you have no value for the rest of your marriage. That is no good for you. You need to learn how to be the type of woman who a man cherishes and respects. Start now. 


He is acting in a way that would disgust any good male contemporary in this society. Don't treat him like he is a man of worth now until he acts like one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

If you have to 'parent' an adult, you've already lost. Either they do the right thing or they don't so if you have follow behind them scolding and nagging them to do what they agreed to do then it's not working and probably won't work. I can't tell you how many comments there are here where a wife or husband is angry yet puzzled that their nasty cheating spouse still maintains contact with the heretofore tramp or dog all promises to the contrary notwithstanding.


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## confusedyoungwife (Jul 4, 2011)

we are all assuming her they are in contact... i have read her NC agreement quite specifically and i have been in touch with her husband like i said... he has gone as far as making her change her number... so at this moment in time i believe with all my heart there is no contact. 

I am not sure abotut he nagging scolding etc.. as we have no real agreement about what to do for him to fix it... we are kind of in limbo.. he becuase he is says he is not in love with me anylonger but loves me deeply! go figure. and me because i can't get past this affair over night.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

you want contracts and written agreements about some things but other things aren't even discussed? How is that supposed to work?


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## confusedyoungwife (Jul 4, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> you want contracts and written agreements about some things but other things aren't even discussed? How is that supposed to work?


great point... i am not sure myself on an answer to that.. part of me jsut wants to forget this even happened and fix our marriage but how am i suppose to do that thinking he is a cheating slime bag! 

really make me so angry that instead of telling me he was emotionally unhappy he tunred to someone else and then " got feelings " for this women! worst is i met her before soemthing happened and she was really sweet etc... and i meet her husband and kids.. its like ridiculous.. 

Husband swears he is sorry and it was a huge mistake and he really hates himself for hurting me... but how are you suppose to make someone prove that... maybe i jsut expect and want to much all at once and need to be patient.


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## confusedyoungwife (Jul 4, 2011)

I have to put right that he accepted he made the wrong choice and apologised, but when i get upset and we fight he blames me.. it's not a constant thing. 
he does nto liek to read  i know horrible problem as i woudl like him to join the forum for help. ... 
soo add tot he confusion.. he comes home now and kisses me on the cheek! first time in weeks!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

confusedyoungwife said:


> Husband swears he is sorry and it was a huge mistake and he really hates himself for hurting me... but how are you suppose to make someone prove that... maybe


Remorse and self loathing are different. Hating himself is merely making him his own victim. And of course that's nonsense. He's not a victim. You can't make someone 'prove' their remorse, their shame and their utter willingness to throw that absolution completely at your mercy and grace. Remorse is surrender.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Remorse and self loathing are different. Hating himself is merely making him his own victim. And of course that's nonsense. He's not a victim. You can't make someone 'prove' their remorse, their shame and their utter willingness to throw that absolution completely at your mercy and grace. Remorse is surrender.


Effing brilliant. You have helped me step away from my codependent brain and see things as they really are. Virtual high five!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You need to tell her husband TODAY about the affair!!!!! You must do this discreetly and without tipping off your husband and OW. Why? Because you need to expose the affair without giving them time to get their story straight. Follow lordmayhems advice. Do NOT at all beg him to be w you.tell him u will not live in an open marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

confusedyoungwife said:


> we are all assuming her they are in contact... i have read her NC agreement quite specifically and i have been in touch with her husband like i said... he has gone as far as making her change her number... so at this moment in time i believe with all my heart there is no contact.
> 
> I am not sure abotut he nagging scolding etc.. as we have no real agreement about what to do for him to fix it... we are kind of in limbo.. *he becuase he is says he is not in love with me anylonger but loves me deeply!* go figure. and me because i can't get past this affair over night.


So you're sure it's over because OW said so, yet you're still getting the ILYBINILWY speech from him. Ok, go figure.


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## confusedyoungwife (Jul 4, 2011)

thanks for all your responses... well last ngiht our time i sat down specifically and made the husband talk abotu this out side of counselling.. it was in a interesting hard conversation to get through. he admitted to himself and i think to me that he had feelings for this women.. he is not sure what they were but he knows they were wrong. he has admitted to me about missing her "friendship" moer than the emotional... which in my eyes is the same, but anyway that is something for counselling i guess. 

I have once again spoken to the OW husband and he is explicitely certain there is no contact what so ever... I kind of believe that. 

husband came home yesterday and said really sweet things, first time in weeks. " I am so lucky to have a wife like you, etc... ) not sure if that is via guilt or truthful... how sad is that i can;t even believe him when he says or does soemthing nice. 

anywya today i counselling, interested to see what the counsellor says about my feelings on affection... till then got a busy busy day at the office. 

I really do believe that his EA is over and that he wants to work on this marriage... really hope i am not being dumb and naive...


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

It takes time for both of you confused. He hasn't accepted responsibility yet. Can I suggest you get him to change his cell number and email address? Expect full transparency from him - all user names and passwords. Start checking the phone/text records. Get a keylogger and follow Lords advice on the voice activated recorder (VAR) and put one under the seat of his car. Make sure contact is broken and not further underground. You can buy cheap cell phones at any store. Emails are easy to create new ones.

He will take time to accept responsibility and bot of you will take time to heal. Can I suggest you listen to some of the teleseminars on beyondaffairs.com - click on the seminars tab then the teleseminars tab. Lots on there about your husbands behaivior and lots about you can heal yourself.

Keep us updated.


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## confusedyoungwife (Jul 4, 2011)

Numb-badger said:


> 2. Read up on the 180. Implementing parts of that will help.


Numb badger what is the 180? and where do i find details of it?


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## confusedyoungwife (Jul 4, 2011)

anyway so here goes the sagga gest worse!!!!! figured out last ngiht that i maybe pregnant! !!!!! only had sex with the husband once unprotected and now this!!! so not sure what ot do or think nothing like adding soemthing to the mix! eish!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I would suggest you go to website called beyondaffairs.com Click on the seminars tab and then the teleseminars tab and browse the list and listen to as many as you can. Lot's of really good healing information there and also suggestions for working with your WS. As can be expected, the push their services a lot but there is a a lot great info there. I listen to them in my car using my iphone connected to the car. There are also BAN network meetings shown on the home page for a lot of cities that are free and the teleseminars are free to attend if you register. Please check them out and let us know what think.


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