# tired of his lame excuses



## Mrs.Alone (Mar 3, 2012)

Sorry, i *tried* to make this short, but i had to vent a little too. thanks for reading, and hopefully providing an idea or 2!

hi all, i'm 25, so is my husband. married for almost 4 years now, and our sex life has dwindled to the occasional 'boob scoop' and the routine kiss before we leave for work. long story short (kinda) he had back surgery in dec. 2010, and fully recovered. we're a low income family, so i know finances are a stressor for him, but we've been doing great, financially, lately. He rarely shows me any affection (refer to boob scoop and routine kiss, and he tells me 'i love you' at least once daily, not always convincingly) and i don't think i can hand it much more! we have a 2 year old daughter(and he's a GREAT daddy!), so seperation is a very last resort. i've tried talking to him, he blames his back pain, i've tried initiating sex, he refuses and falls asleep... as a matter of fact, he's fallen asleep durring foreplay multiple times. his job isn't that demanding! he works 2pm-8pm, 5 nights a week, sleeps in every morning, and falls asleep in his recliner by 10 every night. trying for sex before he falls asleep is impossible, he won't even come over to the couch to cuddle with me. he won't put his arm around me in bed anymore, he says it hurts his back to lay like that. i'm not a big person, i'm the same size as i was when we got married (if not, a few lbs. lighter) and he refuses to recognise that we have a problem. even when i tell him stright up "honey, i'm lonely! i need your affection!" he acts like theres nothing wrong, and im just nagging him and gets angry. (and it's not easy to talk to him either, he's bipolar!) he's not out late after work, it's not medical (he had a workup at his last dr. appt. per my request) and last time we actually did have sex, it was so unemotional. it was like it was a chore to him. he didnt even kiss me! we're only 25! i shouldnt have to beg for sex, and he (as a 25 year old man) shouldn't have to hurry through it like it's something he has to do to keep my from whining. seriously, is once a week too much to ask for? costumes don't help, lingerie doesnt help, being nude doesnt help, having a babysitter all weekend makes no difference... is a husband's affection to much to ask for? if i ask my friends, they tell me, it's ok, he loves you, just wait, he'll come around, or word gets back to him, and he gets mad because i'm "talking crap about him". i'm to the point of blaming myself, feeling i've failed as a wife... failed as a woman... what do i do? i'm so alone! i know sexless marriage is a common problem, but i feel like i'm the only one. i'm so lost, is there any hope? i love him with all my heart, and have told him this, but... i don't know... i just don't know what to do anymore.

than ks again for listening to me vent. i hope somebody out there knows something that might help, knowing that he won't read anything about it or talk to anybody about it.


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## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

Did you ever ask him why he doesn't want to have sex with you?

If my wife were begging for it, she'd get it. Is there an ED issue from the back injury or meds? Is he getting his release somewhere else? Maybe closet gay?

There has to be a reason a 25 year old man won't touch his wife.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you work outside the home?

It does seem that you have some valid complaints here. There is a very good possibility that your husband’s surgery threw him for a big loop. People often go into depression when they have serious health issues and surgery. He might need time to recover mentally as well as physically. His being tired with such a short work schedule pretty many points to continued health issues and/or depression. When he had his workup did they check his testosterone levels? 

One thing that could be happening is that the more to tell him, nag and beg about what you need, the more he pulls away from you. You are the one who is unhappy so you are the one who will need to make changes in your behavior and feelings. What you are doing is not working so stop doing it. Do exactly the opposite of what you are doing.

When you change it could cause a huge shift in him… make him more interested again. We all need a good tune-up from time to time. If anything it will make you a better, stronger person.

There are some books that I think could really help you. Take a look at this link for one of them.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/41100-best-book-i-have-read-so-far.html

Another book is Divorce Busting: *A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again* by Michele Weiner-Davis


If you are SAHM… another good book is *The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands* by Laura Schlessinger


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

If he is sleeping in, working 6 hours in a non-demanding job and falling asleep early and still complains about being tired, he either has unknown health issues or he is depressed. If you had said nothing else, I would have guessed that he had a low sex drive.

Have you tried talking to him about what he is feeling apart from sex? Is he unhappy or consumed with anxiety about financial issues? Does he exercise or regularly to anything physical?


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

BTW, you really need to stop talking to other people about his lack of sexual performance to the point he is hearing about it.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Lionelhutz said:


> BTW, you really need to stop talking to other people about his lack of sexual performance to the point he is hearing about it.


:iagree: HUGE thing :iagree:


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Mrs.Alone said:


> Sorry, i tried to make this short, but i had to vent a little too. thanks for reading, and hopefully providing an idea or 2!
> 
> hi all, i'm 25, so is my husband. married for almost 4 years now, and our sex life has dwindled to the occasional 'boob scoop' and the routine kiss before we leave for work. long story short (kinda) he had back surgery in dec. 2010, and fully recovered. we're a low income family, so i know finances are a stressor for him, but we've been doing great, financially, lately. He rarely shows me any affection (refer to boob scoop and routine kiss, and he tells me 'i love you' at least once daily, not always convincingly) and i don't think i can hand it much more! we have a 2 year old daughter(and he's a GREAT daddy!), so seperation is a very last resort. i've tried talking to him, he blames his back pain, i've tried initiating sex, he refuses and falls asleep... as a matter of fact, he's fallen asleep durring foreplay multiple times. his job isn't that demanding! he works 2pm-8pm, 5 nights a week, sleeps in every morning, and falls asleep in his recliner by 10 every night. trying for sex before he falls asleep is impossible, he won't even come over to the couch to cuddle with me. he won't put his arm around me in bed anymore, he says it hurts his back to lay like that. i'm not a big person, i'm the same size as i was when we got married (if not, a few lbs. lighter) and he refuses to recognise that we have a problem. even when i tell him stright up "honey, i'm lonely! i need your affection!" he acts like theres nothing wrong, and im just nagging him and gets angry. (and it's not easy to talk to him either, *he's bipolar*!) he's not out late after work, it's not medical (he had a workup at his last dr. appt. per my request) and last time we actually did have sex, it was so unemotional. it was like it was a chore to him. he didnt even kiss me! we're only 25! i shouldnt have to beg for sex, and he (as a 25 year old man) shouldn't have to hurry through it like it's something he has to do to keep my from whining. seriously, is once a week too much to ask for? costumes don't help, lingerie doesnt help, being nude doesnt help, having a babysitter all weekend makes no difference... is a husband's affection to much to ask for? if i ask my friends, they tell me, it's ok, he loves you, just wait, he'll come around, or word gets back to him, and he gets mad because i'm "talking crap about him". i'm to the point of blaming myself, feeling i've failed as a wife... failed as a woman... what do i do? i'm so alone! i know sexless marriage is a common problem, but i feel like i'm the only one. i'm so lost, is there any hope? i love him with all my heart, and have told him this, but... i don't know... i just don't know what to do anymore.
> 
> than ks again for listening to me vent. i hope somebody out there knows something that might help, knowing that he won't read anything about it or talk to anybody about it.


What's going on with this part (that I bolded) of his health?

Is he on medication for this? If so, what are its side effects?

If he's not on meds, or doing anything for it, why not?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm with enchantment the fact that he's bipolar is huge. What is he doing to manage that? If it's nothing then no this isn't going to magically get better.

The truth is this doesn't matter to him. Period end of story. So the ball is in your court as to what YOU do about it. He obviously isn't going to do anything at the moment because there is no reason for him to. His life is working for him. And I have to admit it's quite cushy. He gets to work 6 hours a day, gets to sleep in and doesn't have to put forth any effort towards the marriage.

This is the male equivalent of the entitled stay at home princesses whose husbands provide for their cushy life and they have the nerve to say they need 'space' as they move into the spare bedroom.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

is he really bipolar? if so that can be a serious problem. if not i would recommend marriage therapy, if hes unwilling to go that might be a indication of how much effort hes putting into the marriage, its sad but honestly some people just get lazy in marriage, they think its a free ticket to stop trying. Also, when talking to friends and family when seeking marriage advice only talk with people who can keep their darn mouth shut, if they break silence and secrets slip out NEVER tell them anything important again.

i wish you the best of luck, i know the pain of a sexless marriage myself


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## Mrs.Alone (Mar 3, 2012)

thaks for all your imput, also, i only made the mistake of talking to a friend once (hence the no talking to friends n so forth comments above) i learned my lesson after that. I don't believe it was the surgery because between then and now we had a few months that were almost... animalistic! (sorry...) and i have asked why he's not interested, and he just tells me he's too tired or his back hurts. its always excuses. i try to talk, i try to get him to open up, but he won't he refuses to share his real feelings, he refuses to see a problem...

about his bipolar disorder, he was diagnosed as a child and was treated with verried medications for years, also re-diagnosed as an adult (4 years ago) but isn't on medication for it now as he is controlling it fairly well. he never gets violent, and rarely has 'outbreaks' (meaning it doesnt get the better of him when he gets angry) for the most part, he's childlike when he gets angry, like placing blame on others, 'selective hearing' silent treatment, bottling up, or avoiding the subject. he seems to do these things when i bring up our intamacy issues.

i think i may have getten to him though. he made a couple 'quirky' (to him) remarks about how i want it ALL THE TIME, and i told him, it's because i need love and physical contact, and that it seems that more often than not, lack of affection leads to divorce, and if i cant get affection in our marriage, then i can find it elsewhere. not telling him that i'm not the kind of person to cheat, as a matter of fact, i feel guilty just thinking it, but i think it may have gotten a hint to him, because he's been slightly more caring lately. since i told him this, he won't fall asleep without touching me (he rests his hand under my hip when we go to bed) and he tells me more often that he loves me.

Im hopeing things are going to improve from here... i have hope now!
(still no sex, but i have hope!)


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

I scanned quickly through the responses and I have a question. Has he ever turned down a blow job?


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