# Is this flirting? should I be mad?



## confused987 (Mar 2, 2013)

Hello people, Me (30) and my girlfriend (28) have been in a relationship since 4 years (2 and half years long distance – I was abroad, I just came last week. And we intend to marry). As I said I have just come back to my country after 2 and half years we had been meeting regularly although not everyday. Last time I met her I was fiddling with her phone and was checking out the apps etc etc and yea a bit of snooping as well. I came across this chat log…which seems was happening while she was waiting for me in a café.

I did confront her (not then and there but after a day or two) although in a very teasing way. To which she said she hardly knows this guy and have spoken to him in office couple of times. And that she wasn’t flirting. And she said she knows that this guy is very flirty but why can’t she have a mad male friend?? I had kept my cool then but I am actually very angry and am avoiding meeting her till I pacify.

I am confused and I really want to know if the conversation between both of them was appropriate? Am I over reacting? Or am I just too conservative. jealous, insecured?? If you’ll can please go through the chat-log; and help me think straight: Her=my girlfriend, him=her office friend


Her: Lol!
Her: Wat a pic!
Him: Haha .. Like ???
Her: U look handsome for sures!
Him: Haha .. Thanks
Her: So wat is it? Quarter life crisis!
Him: This is at our new offices
Her: Okkk but buddy the window looks more cooler than u
Her: M telling u.. Get out of tht place- this is wat it does! 
Her: N Boss gave u an apple?
Him: Mine
Her: ok ok
Him: Ur crazy he'll give mac .. Hahah
Her: Btw- tht [some female] is still there?
Her: u used to bully her so much!$
Her: 
Him: [Female name] ???
Him: I don't remember her
Her: Hahahha
Her: tht thin fair lady
Her: Designer she was in ur team
Her: I guess
Her: Graphic designer
Her: Her husband was a doc
Him: Don't rem somehow !
Her: Timid sorts
Her: Senior thi
Him: Oh yaaaa .... PR chic na ...
Her: yea
Him: She was a gossip monger man .. Full data I used to get from her of whose banging who and all .. Hahah
Her: Hai kya? Or left?
Her: Yeah!
Her: U serious!
Her: Man she looked so timid
Her: But I owe her an apology
Her: Bef I die I wil do tht! Tell me is she still around
Him: Oh **** that ***** !!!
Him: I misunderstood
Him: She's ****all
Him: I never got along wid her
Him: I forgot the PR head name ?
Her: I knw once I saw u bullying her
Her: Arey.. Tht [female name]
Her: [female name] was gossipmonger
Him: Oh yea .. True .. Haha
Her: This [female name] lookd like a sweetheart
Her: I was soo rude to her once...I felt damn bad... Somehwr I still feel so bad.. I gotto apologise man
Her: Is she still thr?
Her: [female name] was mad
Him: Nope she left
Her: Damn!
Him: Sweetheart??? She was a mental
Her: I think she had hots for u btw
Her: She was a panju btw
Her: [female name] had hots for u
Him: Haha .. Mad kya .. She's like aunty age
Her: M telling u
Her: Anyway.. Kya fayda.. U lost a fan! 
Her: Chal u entertain ur guests... M gng to get entertained! Tada!
Her: N btw- age got nthg to do wit falling for someone!  [she is older than him, they both know this]
Him: Agreed  .. I like older ones anyways hahah
Him: Wher u off to ?
Her: M gng to meet my bf
Him: Ohh .. Dating since long ?
Him: ?
Her: Sorry
Her: Yeah v long
Her: 4 yrs
Her: He wasn't here, he was in uk
Her: Come dwn now for good
Him: Nice .. So no flinging full on serious huh ?
Her: Yeah yeah... I am a full on serious girl
Her: Wat about you
Him: Hmm .. Me I'm a full on player
Her: Hahahahah... So wats the count?
Her: Who's the flavour of the month
Him: There's never a count luv ..
Her: Omg! Ppl who say tht- have nevr found anyone interesting yet
Her: 
Her: Bt u dnt look like a player
Him: Well, depends what ones interests are right !
Her: I knw the player kinds- u r nt one of those
Her: Jst waiting fr the right one
Her: U r wat 27?
Him: I'm not an ******* shady guy, I'm honest in my approach .. So I guess its fine, but I'm the playerish kinds
Her: Ah nice! Thumbs up for being a playr n honest
Him: Ya .. There's nothing to hide .. If I'm single I can do whateva I want .. As long as I don't **** ard wid anyones feelings
Her: True that!
Her: bt u have been single all along?
Him: I'm never single
Her: Hahahahahahah
Her: Good going man!
Him: Haahha 

by now i had arrived and the conversation was left unattended by her.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

That is the stupidest txt conversation in the history of mobile phones.

Dump her, she isn't very bright.


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## confused987 (Mar 2, 2013)

Holland said:


> That is the stupidest txt conversation in the history of mobile phones.
> 
> Dump her, she isn't very bright.


thanks holland for the comment, mind clearing my doubts .... if this is overtly flirty on her part?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Apparently he sent her a picture of himself.

It's a lot of silly office chit chat. 

Then she tells him that she's in a serious relationship with you.

Na, I would not be concerned about that one long, silly chat.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Na, I would not be concerned about that one long, silly chat.


But, keep your eyes open anyway.


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## confused987 (Mar 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Apparently he sent her a picture of himself.
> 
> It's a lot of silly office chit chat.
> 
> ...


thanks elegirl! n no he hadnt sent her a pic, she had pingged him in response to his profile pic on whats app...and she started the conversation....

and thanks again for your comments


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

There is nothing to be upset about. If your upset over this conversation, you need to work on your own insecurities. This is an innocent chat. Your gf glady states she is seeing you and it's serious. I don't see any flirting there.


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## confused987 (Mar 2, 2013)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> But, keep your eyes open anyway.


thanks, would keep tht in mind.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

I don't agree with the other posters,

There are a couple of red flags on the EA level, like the very personal exchange of META information on his relationships with woman and the part of age differences.

She is asking for and he is communicating that he is a player, never without a woman, never in a relation. She plays the innocent girl by stating no he is not the type. So she could start further contact under pretending she is a girl not interested in the player but in the underlying person.

He basically says he is open to any play, but don't expect a serious relation from him. He wants his freedom intact.

I would call this a bit of typical bad boy attraction by your girlfriend. I would watch this carefully. But don't react any further to her.

If you read some threads on beginning EA/PA you will understand why you have to keep a silent eye on this.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

This can go either way.

It warrants watching, and keeping tabs on this guy and his possible alone time with your girl. He admitted he has an innocent approach. This exchange is kind of innocent for now. It might be his angle and if he's a player he prides himself on getting women who are in a relationships already.


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## confused987 (Mar 2, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> I don't agree with the other posters,
> 
> There are a couple of red flags on the EA level, like the very personal exchange of META information on his relationships with woman and the part of age differences.
> 
> ...



hi...yea....i do find traces of interest from my girl, moreover before we started dating i was asked something similar (if i were a player or not) and the statement abt age did tick me off especially when she asked his age after making that statement.

i think this shd be placed under observation for a while....thanks


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Na, I would not be concerned about that one long, silly chat.


Let's do it differently then:

"I was checking my wife's phone bill and I noticed AL LOT of texts going back to a single number. On one day alone there were 96 TEXT'S (yes, I counted). I checked the number and it was all to and from this one young guy at work that all the women see as a player. What do I do? HELP!!!"

Same advice?

Check the phone bill. That's where you'll get the REAL surprise. That chat session may have been innocent. But what was said in the other 2,000 or so texts they exchanged that month?


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## confused987 (Mar 2, 2013)

MrK said:


> Let's do it differently then:
> 
> "I was checking my wife's phone bill and I noticed AL LOT of texts going back to a single number. On one day alone there were 96 TEXT'S (yes, I counted). I checked the number and it was all to and from this one young guy at work that all the women see as a player. What do I do? HELP!!!"
> 
> ...


yes ur right...it is one of my concern...i have seen one conversation thats all, I dont know (and might never know) what could have been or would be exchanged over various channels.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

She mentions that she is in a serious relationship which is good. I would be concerned why she gave her number to this guy in the first place. I don't think she has appropriate boundaries and that would possibly open her up to an EA in the future, but I don't think she is interested in this guy.


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## confused987 (Mar 2, 2013)

curlysue321 said:


> She mentions that she is in a serious relationship which is good. I would be concerned why she gave her number to this guy in the first place. I don't think she has appropriate boundaries and that would possibly open her up to an EA in the future, but I don't think she is interested in this guy.


Hi curlysue321,

thanks for the comment, regarding her mentioning she is in a serious relationship...which i think most of the ppl in her office already knew (i am assuming including the player) as I used to work in the same office few years back (though we hadnt announced it officially). 

and the guy works with the same company where she used to work till recently (but there was hardly any connection in terms of departments) so i guess the exchange of numbers maybe natural.

and do you think starting the conversation with a compliment and later telling that guy about various girls who had a crush on him and then progressing to telling him that age is not a factor [when both of them know that she is slightly older than him] followed by a wink, shouldnt be seen as showing interest (mind interest)??

sorry but i am just trying to clear my mind. hope you'll understand.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

curlysue321 said:


> but I don't think she is interested in this guy.


I think you're wrong.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MrK said:


> Let's do it differently then:
> 
> "I was checking my wife's phone bill and I noticed AL LOT of texts going back to a single number. On one day alone there were 96 TEXT'S (yes, I counted). I checked the number and it was all to and from this one young guy at work that all the women see as a player. What do I do? HELP!!!"
> 
> ...


I agree that looking at the phone bill would be wise. But they are not married. It sounds like she's been on her own for a long time, paying her own bills. I doubt he has access to her bills.

The OP asked about one text session. If he look further and finds more, then that can be discussed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

confused987 said:


> and do you think starting the conversation with a compliment and later telling that guy about various girls who had a crush on him and then progressing to telling him that age is not a factor [when both of them know that she is slightly older than him] followed by a wink, shouldnt be seen as showing interest (mind interest)??


A person could pick the conversation apart line by line and read all kinds of things into it. It very well could be an innocent conversation. Everything you bring up can be explained away by saying that they worked together at some point and this is just shop gossip. You will drive yourself crazy picking it apart because there is no conclusion in the conversation.

Your relationship has been long distance for a very long time. Long distance relationships are hard to maintain due to several factors: the intimate connection between the couple is lost to a large extent; both parties are alone most of the time and get lonely.

Since you suspect her of inappropriate behavior, it really does not matter what anyone here says. You suspect her. If you want to stay in a relationship with her you need to work on rebuilding it from scratch. At the same time keep an eye open for signs of inappropriate behavior, cheating, etc. 

But you cannot prove anything one way or the other with the text conversation you posted here.


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## confused987 (Mar 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> A person could pick the conversation apart line by line and read all kinds of things into it. It very well could be an innocent conversation. Everything you bring up can be explained away by saying that they worked together at some point and this is just shop gossip. You will drive yourself crazy picking it apart because there is no conclusion in the conversation.
> 
> Your relationship has been long distance for a very long time. Long distance relationships are hard to maintain due to several factors: the intimate connection between the couple is lost to a large extent; both parties are alone most of the time and get lonely.
> 
> ...


Hi

yes i do understand, that the prolonged LDR may have drifted us to a certain degree....which i think will improve since i am back (and i do love her a lot). 

Infact the reason I came to this board as I wasnt sure if the conversation was entirely inappropriate, i wanted to know if i was reading too little or too much out of the conversation. and not that i suspect her of cheating....but I do think that there were shades of inappropriateness......but passable (at this stage).

At the same time there is a 2 and hlf year distance between us now....and I dont like being hurt so as most of the posters said this needs a silent eye, which i think I would be doing.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

That was just too hard to read. I guess from what I understood it was flirty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

confused987 said:


> Hi
> 
> yes i do understand, that the prolonged LDR may have drifted us to a certain degree....which i think will improve since i am back (and i do love her a lot).
> 
> ...


I too was in a 2 year long distance relationship and it did suffer for the distance and lack of time together. So I get it.

What might be a good idea is for you to just be up front with and discuss that you think the distance and time apart has hurt, or at least not helped. So the two of you putting some time in how to rebuild from scratch would really help.

There are some books linked to in my signature block below for building a strong, passionate marriage (or relationship). Perhaps working through them would help the two of you.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sounds like he laying the ground work to bang your girlfriend. and she is on the fence about it. and is maybe considering it.

I would put any marriage plans on hold at the minimun.

don't really think its an appropitate conversation for anyone who is planning on marring soon.


let me ask you this if the shoes was on the other foot how would she react?


your not maried yet instead of snooping I would just bring it up. say I don't thinks it right to be flirting with other people if you want to stay with me it me only or its a deal breaker. if she balks she just not that interested/vested in you.

be glad you found out before you married and had kids.


yep if it walks like a cheater most likley she is a cheater.

if she blows smoke up your a$$ and say no I love you and only you but then locks her phone or act seceretive then theirs you answer .....your plan B just incase she dosn't find someone better she will always have you to fall back on!


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> sounds like he laying the ground work to bang your girlfriend.
> 
> *Definitely sounds like escalation to me,too. Normal conversation with some sexual innuendos not directed at her, sounds like the first steps of seduction. If he's a player, he knows how this works.*
> 
> ...


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## elizabethdennis (Jan 16, 2013)

She said she's not single, so I think there is nothing you should worry about. If she denied her relationship with you, then that could be alarming.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

elizabethdennis said:


> She said she's not single, so I think there is nothing you should worry about. If she denied her relationship with you, then that could be alarming.


A woman saying they are married or not single is not shutting a guy down. I know some women will throw that out there and then they have plausible denial. Many guys will back off from a married woman. Some will target them. But very few guys will take a I have a BF seriously.


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## confused987 (Mar 2, 2013)

at this stage not too sure about cheating....but from the conversation it seems thr is certainly an interest in this guy.

But there is a part of me which tells me that we hav been away from each other for quite a long time, which has lead to distance in hearts....and this (and maybe the heart can wander - considering the length of time i was away) and this particular act shd be passed.

so for now I am trying to develop the relationship to where it was....trying to make up for the time lost...develop the love tht had lost......but at the same time i aint really turning a blind eye to this guy.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

It sounds innocent enough to me just keep your eyes open.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I gr! ths s nncnt. Nope can't do it. I need to use vowels.

I agree, this is innocent.

PS on the other hand...I subscribe to the saying

Since the creation of text messaging, the Earth's rotation has been fueled, primarily, by the collective spinning of English teachers in their graves


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Innocent. The guy is gaming, but she's not. There is potential there though but she honestly doesn't know it yet.

Its one of those where she'd say "him? no way... " then, "oops".

Don't stress. She's cool... just casually keep an eye open for more conversations and increasing frequency. If my girl is talking to another guy all the time, I don't want her to be my girl anymore.


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## PaperTiger (Mar 19, 2013)

Aside from the frustration of having to read bad text speak, I think you have nothing to worry about. It is obvious that he was flirting with her, or at least trying to, but she not only clearly stated that she was in a relationship, but focused half the conversation on another girl. His comments about being a player and all his posturing were just childish. 
My suggestion as a girl, would be 
1. Don't Snoop! Nothing kills a relationship (for you or her) than starting your new time together by being suspicious, checking her phone/email/whatever, and making her feel like she can't talk to anyone because it might be taken the wrong way. Then she.may start locking her phone and hiding just to feel a sense of privacy, not because of any actual impropriety. No one wants to feel stalked. You've already stated that you have been avoiding her a while to pacify. You might have been able to spend that time enjoying being with her instead.
2. Romance her. You guys have been apart for a long time. Take the time to show her your love for her not your suspicions. If she feels cared for and loved and respected, she won't feel the need to go after some "player" in her office. Show her that the time she spent waiting for you was worth it. 

I hope things work out for you. Pay more attention to her than some possible other guy, and she'll pay.more attention to you than some other guy. 
Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

*I've only read your title. Sorry, but if you don't know if you should be mad or not, welll, that's just odd to me. Either you are mad or you are not mad?
*

 < Mad
 < Not mad


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## confused987 (Mar 2, 2013)

PaperTiger said:


> Aside from the frustration of having to read bad text speak, I think you have nothing to worry about. It is obvious that he was flirting with her, or at least trying to, but she not only clearly stated that she was in a relationship, but focused half the conversation on another girl. His comments about being a player and all his posturing were just childish.
> My suggestion as a girl, would be
> 1. Don't Snoop! Nothing kills a relationship (for you or her) than starting your new time together by being suspicious, checking her phone/email/whatever, and making her feel like she can't talk to anyone because it might be taken the wrong way. Then she.may start locking her phone and hiding just to feel a sense of privacy, not because of any actual impropriety. No one wants to feel stalked. You've already stated that you have been avoiding her a while to pacify. You might have been able to spend that time enjoying being with her instead.
> 2. Romance her. You guys have been apart for a long time. Take the time to show her your love for her not your suspicions. If she feels cared for and loved and respected, she won't feel the need to go after some "player" in her office. Show her that the time she spent waiting for you was worth it.
> ...


thanks papertiger.... that's exactly what i had stated earlier (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/68704-flirting-should-i-mad-2.html#post1523442) hav been doing!


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## confused987 (Mar 2, 2013)

LouAnn Poovy said:


> *I've only read your title. Sorry, but if you don't know if you should be mad or not, welll, that's just odd to me. Either you are mad or you are not mad?
> *
> 
> < Mad
> < Not mad



you think this is funny?


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