# No respect



## Zapp Rowsdower (Feb 20, 2012)

I've been married to my wife for just under 4 years, and the doomsday clock is close to midnight. After a huge fight a few weeks ago, we agreed to see a counselor (though she is very reluctant to do so). The appointment is scheduled for next week, but after another big blowup last night I'm not sure there's any point even going ahead with it.

The fundamental problem, as I see it, is that my wife is extremely controlling, negative and disrespectful toward me. These traits have always been there, but it has gotten much worse over the past year or so, in no small part because of health concerns about our oldest son. (Recently, she admitted that she lashes out at me because she feels like she has no control over what is happening with our child, whereas she _can_ control my behavior.)

Basically, I cannot do anything right. I feel like everything I do around the house is belittled or criticized. And she never asks me to do any particular chore - she _tells_ me. This woman absolutely cannot handle not getting her own way. When I do say no to her, I get the cold or silent treatment for quite a while afterwards.

Making matters worse - and probably the oldest sticking point in our relationship - is that she doesn't have a driver's licence and refuses to learn. And her parents and brother (to whom she is very close) are often too busy or too nervous about driving at night to take her where she wants to go. Therefore, I am expected to be "on call" to take her where she wants, and then just stand around waiting for her to finish.

What seems to have really put this ever the edge is that our parents are being dragged into it. Her family, to their credit, have helped us out with many of our household expenses and have even paid for some of our furniture. Problem is, this is being used against my parents, who live far away and have to spend a lot of money just to come and see their grandchildren. They have also given us a lot, but not as much - and during our most recent fight, she made sure I knew it.

That was the last straw, as far as I was concerned. Basically, the implication was that her family cares about our grandchildren more because they give us more money. She is even saying she wants my parents to give us some money to pay for our plane tickets next time we go to visit them - even though she also wants to take a trip to New York some time this year, too! (Meanwhile, her parents and brother see the kids pretty much every day.)

It all comes down to respect, as far as I'm concerned. I feel like this marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership. It is not. Everything has to be done _her_ way or not at all.

And I will concede that I've become harder to live with over the past few months - partly because I am also worried about our son, but also because I feel like I've put up with it for so long that it's time to start standing up to her. Instead of a big fight every month or so, now it seems to be constant.

As of this writing, I want out. But when I feel this way, I always start feeling guilty or worried about the future. We've had some good times, but I feel like I've given her chance after chance to start treating me better, and she is just not getting it.

If there weren't young children I probably would have been gone a long time ago. But I worry how they will handle growing up with divorced parents (though I also think it might be better for the breakup to happen now, while they're too young to understand it). I worry about how much of a relationship I'll be allowed to have with them, too: she has told me that because of my "carelessness," she thinks it might be too dangerous for them to spend overnights with me! (Example: I fed our older son some food which was too hot and burned his lip a little. I'm the worst father in history!)

Is there any point trying to make this work, or is it time to start ending it? Thanks for letting me vent.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Stop being her driver. Just say no. What day and age is she living in? LOL Get a damn license, woman!

I hope MC helps...she sounds like a control freak. Sometimes they don't wnt to admit they are the problem.

I was similar (although I drive) and my husband left for three months (june to sept this last year) and it slapped me awake!

We've never been better, and my own therapy has done wonders.

STOP TAKING THE CRAP, MAN!


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Are you both working. How well do you get on with her parents.
My wife isnt much different and you could be talking about her,
and if my experience is anything to go by she wont change. If anything she will get a lot worse. You either have to come to terms with it somehow. That means live with it. Or try to get out. Just always have something ready to retort when she says you have made a mistake like the one you quoted. Have a string of her mistakes at hand. That usually quietens her down.


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## Zapp Rowsdower (Feb 20, 2012)

accept said:


> Have a string of her mistakes at hand. That usually quietens her down.


I do. There's always an excuse for _her_ mistakes, of course.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

There must be some where she agrees shes at fault. No thats asking too much. At least that she cant explain away. I know her car crash happened when both cars were stationary, thats if she would drive. My wife has also an answer for everything, she's never been wrong or at fault in her life. But as long as you make sure you dont believe it, and express it loudly and plainly she may come round to not believing it herself.


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