# My woman texts her ex husband



## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

We have been together for two years and my girlfriend has a relationship of sorts with her ex-husband. He has helped her out financially and they text/talk on and off. It's all friendly just check ins and send how was your day, how are the kids and things like that. He's even given her advice on how to keep things going between her and I. He is 15 years older than her and almost more like a father ffigure. This bothers me. Should it? When I talk to her about it she says he will always be in her life. There have been times when I've caught texting and emails that were very inappropriate There have been times when I've caught texting and emails that were very inappropriate and him coming on to her. I would love to demand to see the texts, but that's not going to go over well 

Am I wrong to be upset. She has nobody else besides me. She has no friends and no relationship with any family members. So Innoway he's kind of like a therapist I guess. 

So help guys and gals. Am I wrong to feel upset? What should I do? Do I just except it and live with it?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

The absolute worst danger to any relationship is an ex. They have already had sex so it takes almost nothing to get that started again.

And that is even before the mention of inappropriate texts.

If you allow this to continue, you are going to get cheated on. You can take that to the bank.

The good news? She's only your girlfriend, not your wife. That gives you a lot more leverage because you can "next" her.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

jdesey said:


> We have been together for two years and my girlfriend has a relationship of sorts with her ex-husband. He has helped her out financially and they text/talk on and off. It's all friendly just check ins and send how was your day, how are the kids and things like that. He's even given her advice on how to keep things going between her and I. He is 15 years older than her and almost more like a father ffigure. This bothers me. Should it? When I talk to her about it she says he will always be in her life. There have been times when I've caught texting and emails that were very inappropriate There have been times when I've caught texting and emails that were very inappropriate and him coming on to her. I would love to demand to see the texts, but that's not going to go over well
> 
> Am I wrong to be upset. She has nobody else besides me. She has no friends and no relationship with any family members. So Innoway he's kind of like a therapist I guess.
> 
> So help guys and gals. Am I wrong to feel upset? What should I do? Do I just except it and live with it?


You already caught inappropiate texts and emails and she still does not give you transparency?
Him being her "therapist" means he is her only emotional support besides you. He was married to her, they know each other well, they have kids together (at least that's what I'm reading) so they obviously had sex. Go figure what will happen.

You are NOT wrong. Communication should be limited to kids' affairs only ,asking "how are you?", "fine, thx" no problem. Discussing your relationship MAJOR problem.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

*There have been times when I've caught texting and emails that were very inappropriate There have been times when I've caught texting and emails that were very inappropriate and him coming on to her. I would love to demand to see the texts, but that's not going to go over well *

The above statement says you better stop giving a **** about what will go over well, and do something. 

We can give you a lot of advice but not if you are afraid of her.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

The inappropriate texts were from over a year ago when we were on a break up. I really don't know what to do. I know if I Give an ultimatum she's going to say that she won't stop talking to him. But I feel very Un easy about this.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Telling your wife who she can or should or cannot or should not communicate with is a loser game. Whatever happens you're the bad guy. I'm surprised she didn't whack you with her phone. Doesn't matter if it's an ex or current boyfriend or the entire cleaning crew at Target.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

They have kids right? All texts should include you in them. End of story. If not, gtfo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Ok Hershel. That sounds like a good plan. I'll try to talk to her about it


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Perhaps their's was a relationship that was more of "I love you just not in love with you" in which case there is still love between them just no desire to be with each other...now I can't say that is the case in this situation, but if in fact it is, I would be less threaten as the new man in her life for now (I say for now because she is not you wife), and even if you are in her life permanently then you may have to come to grips that they will always have a bond....get over it or get on with life.
Not all marriages end with hate.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

jdesey said:


> The inappropriate texts were from over a year ago when we were on a break up. I really don't know what to do. I know if I Give an ultimatum she's going to say that she won't stop talking to him. But I feel very Un easy about this.


Well if she wants to have a relationship with her XH she should have stayed married to him. Are you willing to have a triangle relationship? If not, be ready to walk away if she refuses to tone down to kids only or she goes underground.

No one says she should cease talking, they have kids together so they can discuss issues that involve the kids. Your relationship with her and their happy past and whatever BS is inappropiate to talk to unless it has influences on their kids.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

The only reason she should be talking to her ex is anything related to the children. She absolutely should NOT be discussing your relationship with him! WTF??? 

Re the texts, there's a big difference between "Hi, hope your days going well, I have to work late Thursday, can you pick up Johnny from soccer practice", and "Hi, how was your day, how are things with your bf...did you talk to him about it?". The first is appropriate, the second is not.

You can't tell her who she can and can't talk to, but you CAN decide that this is bs (which it is) and tell her "Your relationship with your ex h makes me very uncomfortable, your refusal to discuss it with me and reach a compromise that we're both happy with makes me question our relationship, it's not working for me. I wish you the best".

Next.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Xenote. I think you hit it on the head. It's like with me and my ex-wife. I care about her but the only communication we need to have is if it involves our children or some kind of financial situation. With my girlfriend it's more of a friendship with her ex-husband and I guess you're right she's not my wife yet and I'm going to have to learn to live with it


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

jdesey said:


> I guess you're right she's not my wife yet and I'm going to have to learn to live with it


What?!
Your wife has a close relationship with her ex and he was coming on to her. That's not something you get used to until the wedding. If she is doing it now, she will continue, because she will believe it's okay with you. If you get married and then tell her to stop it, she will feel tricked. You deal with this now. If you don't like her relationship with her ex and she is unwilling to stop it, then you can either live with it (dumb in my opinion) or end your relationship with her and find someone who isn't at great risk for cheating with her ex.
This is not an appropriate situation at all. If you think it is, you might consider reading some books on boundaries in relationships. This will not end well if you continue as things are now.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It's not his wife....it's some chick he has been dating for a couple of yrs.

He can drop at any time!

Or, continue to share her!


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

the guy said:


> It's not his wife....it's some chick he has been dating for a couple of yrs.
> 
> He can drop at any time!
> 
> Or, continue to share her!


But he should definitely not marry her, or get her pregnant!

But if she does get pregnant, he needs to make sure whether it is his!


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Did her Ex help her out financially when you screwed up your joint finances causing you both to lose your home? If so her Ex sounds like a decent guy.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Yes online. That's when he helped. He is an okay guy but very manipulative. Basically I'm going to ask her to just be open about it and not hide it from me. I think that's the best I can hope for


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Aren't you the one who claimed that men only need food and regular sex and nothing else matters?

So if she was feeding and fvcking you regularly would her texting the ex not matter?

Just wondering.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

I regret ever putting that post up. It was meant as a joke! But it got way out of hand and I even got banned for a week. I'm not responding anymore to anything about that post.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

jdesey said:


> The inappropriate texts were from over a year ago when we were on a break up. I really don't know what to do. I know if I Give an ultimatum she's going to say that she won't stop talking to him. But I feel very Un easy about this.


You were on a break up? Seems as if there is more to your story than you have told us. How is your relationship with her? There clearly are problems. How are you getting along now? Is progress being made with your problems?

And having been on a break up with her, it makes it seem more reasonable that she reach out to her ex. You said she has no support other than you two and if you were on the outs with her that left only him...


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Runs like Dog said:


> Telling your wife who she can or should or cannot or should not communicate with is a loser game. Whatever happens you're the bad guy. I'm surprised she didn't whack you with her phone. Doesn't matter if it's an ex or current boyfriend or the entire cleaning crew at Target.


They are NOT married. The other man is her ex-husband.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Sidney. I moved back in with her three weeks ago and we've been getting along terrific. I moved back in with her three weeks ago and we've been getting along terrific. But to your point found her texting him last night while she was holed up in the bedroom after a fight. 

One thing I'm going to ask her to do is go back to therapy. She needs more emotional support Then just me


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

jdesey said:


> I moved back in with her three weeks ago and we've been getting along terrific. But to your point found her texting him last night while she was holed up in the bedroom after a fight.


So she has no friends, no family ties, and only you and her ex husband. You've moved back in, the three weeks have been "terrific" (whatever that means ...), and you two had a fight so she's back to texting her ex.

This sounds like one big, hot dysfunctional mess to me.

If she wants IC, let her instigate it on her own. Why do you need to suggest it? Frankly, you sound like one of those guys who is into rescuing messed-up women.

And this woman honestly sounds like a mess.

But go for it and try to get her weaned from her ex, get her into therapy, and get her to see she should have relationships with other people and her family.

Perhaps you should consider IC for yourself. Seriously.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

OP, from the sounds if it this woman is just going to be a non stop drama fest.

Be prepared to get out ASAP. 

She's obviously clinging on to the ex. He's the "break here in case of emergency" and you are only Plan A for while.

Two types of women every man should kick to the curb:
1. Those who still have close ties to ANY ex
2. Those who have too many guy friends

Both situations leave you in no-win situations.

Best advice I can give you is DUMP HER [email protected]@ and find a better fish in the sea.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Runs like Dog said:


> Telling your wife who she can or should or cannot or should not communicate with is a loser game. Whatever happens you're the bad guy. I'm surprised she didn't whack you with her phone. Doesn't matter if it's an ex or current boyfriend or the entire cleaning crew at Target.


QFT


It's not a case of what you allow her to do.

You can only change you.

It's a case of what you allow yourself to accept

Meaning, will you allow yourself to remain with a woman that carries on inappropriate relations with her ex while being with you?


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Is this the ex your gf slept with in payment for helping her move?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She's feeling insecure with you. You got into a fight and she texted her ex. Didn't she live with him after the two of you were evicted?

Frankly, you're not in a good enough place with her to make any demands.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

That's irrelevant to the boundaries with an ex and telling her he lover her and it's apparent he still wants to be with her.

Two entirely different things.



kristin2349 said:


> Did her Ex help her out financially when you screwed up your joint finances causing you both to lose your home? If so her Ex sounds like a decent guy.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> She's feeling insecure with you. You got into a fight and she texted her ex. Didn't she live with him after the two of you were evicted?
> 
> Frankly, you're not in a good enough place with her to make any demands.



:iagree:

QFT


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

the guy said:


> It's not his wife....it's some chick he has been dating for a couple of yrs.
> 
> He can drop at any time!
> 
> Or, continue to share her!


If you aren't happy with her texting her ex then break up with her. You are just a boyfriend so you don't have a say in the matter.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

sidney2718 said:


> They are NOT married. The other man is her ex-husband.


It's a mug's bet. Telling a woman anything is asking for trouble.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

jsdesy,

There is so much wrong with what she is doing that it is almost textbook. However if you are never going to marry her and you can tolerate your GF cheating on you because she is disposable then OK.

The biggest one which stands out is that your GF is cake eating, having an older man and younger man to meet all of her needs, if you are ok with being an 80% man to your GF that might be OK.

However I don't think any of this is OK and I can't imagine you being with her 5 or 10 years from now with her still intimately in contact with her ex.

Does the exH have a wife or GF you can inform about the inappropriate texts?

Tamat


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ok, let's let the other thread die. 

As for this one, she clearly isn't detached from her ex hb. Right now she's a poor relationship prospect..... she likes the attention she's still getting from him. 

I'd think long and hard about this. ....i had to put my foot down regarding some lousy boundaries between my hb and his ex wife, and it was ugly. 

I agree that you can't force the issue. You can however inform her that you will not be involved with a woman who's still attached to her ex.

Or if you're just in this for something casual then understand what it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

It's over. I moved out tonight. No turning back. Done.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Good for you! In reading your thread it sounds like you and she fight a lot anyway. I'm married and don't get into many arguments at all with my wife. Add in the ex husband and you really would have your hands full with her.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

You wrote, *It's over. I moved out tonight. No turning back. Done. *

Thank God, zombie relationships are worse than zombie threads by about 1000x


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

There so many woman out there. This one is not meant to be. Sounds like her and exH have unfinished business. They have the history and kids together. That's a power draw for a woman. Especially if the guy she's with is weak and not financially stable. Her ex helping out financially when you're not stepping up would be HUGE. 

I know this is 2016 and it's not politically correct to think like this but providing for a woman is huge to them. When times are good, they take it for granted but when the sh!t hits the fan, they wake up real fast. That it was him coming to the rescue for her and their kids is like a huge investment in her that she subconsciously feels ties her to him. 

Don't believe the fatherly advise non-sense. it's a ploy to get her guard down. MANY divorced people still have sex with each other even years later. If it's their first husband, his kids, and lasted a while with good times but they just drifted apart, a woman can hold a spot in her heart for him. Same goes equally for a man.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Update. I asked her to just text and email wgat I thought an ex should, she said no that she wants to share things with him that he is her friend. So I asked her to put her foot down on the sex emails and texts he sends. She refused That as well. She says she can't burn that bridge! 

I asked her what any man would do in this situation and she said leave her. So I have. 

I am floored that this is her decision.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't even know why you bothered to try to negotiate with her, but am glad she was honest.

I'd would've expected her to agree and then do it behind your back and lie.

At least she doesn't lie.

There are lots of women not tethered to their ex.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

No. She did lie. She admitted that he still sends sex stuff and she has hidden it from me. Even though I would ask all the time and we had an agreement that she would tell me if he was innapropriate. 

And keep in mind that he is in a committed relationship! Poor woman. 

Well I just can't accept my woman having this kind of relationship w another man. Any man. Ex or not.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

jdesey said:


> No. She did lie. She admitted that he still sends sex stuff and she has hidden it from me. Even though I would ask all the time and we had an agreement that she would tell me if he was innapropriate.
> 
> And keep in mind that he is in a committed relationship! Poor woman.
> 
> Well I just can't accept my woman having this kind of relationship w another man. Any man. Ex or not.




Well good. You're not with her anymore, so it doesn't matter. Honestly, it sounds like she wasn't ever really that into you. She really didn't sugar coat it, you just tried to make her quit. She told you flat out she wasn't going to stop communication with her ex like a long time ago. You ignored that and hoped that she would just because. 

People tell you who they are. You just have to be willing to listen.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

What happened to going dark? No contact?

Steel yourself and get it together. Otherwise you'll be sucked in for another round of crazy.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Your right. It's time to work on me. My new jobs going great. I have a new place to love that's perfect. Gonna focus on work, kids, working out, etc. 

By the way. This is the second time an ex situation has happened to me! 

With this one she finally admitted that she's never been 100 percent comfortable w me, even though she committed the marry me. Therefore she thinks it's ok that she hangs on to her ex


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"She admitted that he still sends sex stuff and she has hidden it from me. Even though I would ask all the time and we had an agreement that she would tell me if he was innapropriate."

Good grief, man. If you have to ask this type of question and come to an agreement (lol), you have to know that the relationship is never to go anywhere. By the way, she isn't your woman. She still thinks she belongs to her ex.

Will await your next update where you're whining that she is still sexting her ex. Were you dropped on your head as a baby?


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

It's been a long hard road for two years. But this is an absolute dealbreaker. I've arty been down this road with another woman but I was smart enough to end that at six weeks. 
At least I finally have the truth. This woman was never comfortable enough with me to let her X go. Even though she agreed to marry me. 

Obviously this issue is something I got to be better at putting my foot down on.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think you've got it backwards. It doesn't have anything to do with her being comfortable enough with you to let ex go, she hasn't let ex go and is thus not relationship material. 

You let your go first and then start dating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

jdesey said:


> Your right. It's time to work on me. My new jobs going great. I have a new place to love that's perfect. Gonna focus on work, kids, working out, etc.
> 
> By the way. This is the second time an ex situation has happened to me!
> 
> With this one she finally admitted that she's never been 100 percent comfortable w me, even though she committed the marry me. Therefore she thinks it's ok that she hangs on to her ex


Well, good luck to her hanging on to the scraps he throws her when he feels like it. She's investing too much into him and will never have enough left to invest in a relationship with someone else.


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