# Tough... Pregnant Wife and child and is this the end?



## anon111 (Oct 10, 2015)

I'm going to be fully open and honest as much as I can about the circumstances currently. Advice and suggestions would be great!

We have been married for over five years and have a soon to be 3 year old and she is 7 months pregnant. I'm 31 she's soon to be 30. 

We moved half way across the country so I could take a better paying job so she could stay home and take care of child and the location is incredibly expensive so we are forced to get a very small two bedroom apartment. We are all making sacrifices for the circumstances and I few the apartment and lesser car are sacrifices for her that she has to deal with and I have to bike/walk to work in less than great weather to have only one car between the two to keep costs down.

Even with these sacrifices we still are struggling and she was a bad spender and has changed quite a bit but is still spending too much considering our budget and the large amount of debt we have right now. Drowning in debt and not making headway really sucks!

We argue about money quite often, she blindly spends money without even looking into accounts as it "stresses her out" but it is ok for me to watch it dwindle away and nothing change. 

On top of the financial issues we are practically just roommates at this point. We have zero romance and we have had sex less than 8 times in the last year and I'm pretty sure less than 20 times in last two years. When we do have sex it is simply a chore for her and she has zero real interest and "please go quick" is basically the instructions I get because she just wants to get it over. 

Again, I said I wanted to be as honest as possible throughout this whole explanation and I will here because I'm not innocent. Before we got married I had a porn addiction and I was able to beat it and keep off of it for a few years but as the sex dwindled I turned back to it. It isn't as bad or frequent as it use to be and I know I'm in the wrong for doing it but I justify it because hell... she won't show any interest in me. I haven't physically cheated or even shown any interest in doing it with outside relationships.

Our day to day life is spent tolerating each other for a while until a blow up happens and then it repeats. I'm not really happy at all and I've put on a good 40-50 pounds over the last year+ with her because I do struggle with depression at times. (Oddly enough I came out here a few months to start the job while we sold our house and got into great shape)

Love my child and don't want to negatively effect him and the unborn child but the stress, depression, and arguments are getting to me. On top of that she just "walked out" and who knows if she is even coming home !?! She has returned eventually just not talking. We've had blowups and the divorce word has been thrown around before

We've talked about counseling and I'm all for it... just doesn't happen I suppose it has something to do with the kid and no babysitter as she has protection issues of having anyone watch him

I'm sure I may be leaving something out and if I need to I'll update along the way please help!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

anon111, your situation isn't so different as many others that come here and can be solved with some changes on both your sides. Since you're here, why don't you take a look at what you can do to set this ship right...

Have you read any marriage books to understand the concepts of what makes a good or bad marriage? It's usually a good place to start. Here are two that are commonly recommended here. Familiarize yourself with them and stop arguing. You got married to be partners with the same goal. You're not on a different team. How hard can this be?

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Love Busters

Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.

https://youtu.be/FJDN3PKZ1KE

https://youtu.be/o5OdpPodpNY


MC can be of great help' If you want it, take the lead, plan it out, make it happen. Don't be passive about it and don't procrastinate. Cover all the bases and don't leave her an excuse not to go.

Best

BTW, a woman isn't going to be interested in sex with someone who argues with her and intimacy starts long before you get to the bedroom.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*COUNSELING! NOW! 

This can still be remedied!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

i believe the stress right now, is coming from the pregnancy.

don't make any harsh decisions yet.

for the sake of the unborn child's health please don't put too much stress on your pregnant wife.
for the health and safety of your wife don't stress her.

have you also talked to her doctor, the doctor have some good advice for the husband.
accompany your wife in her checkups and talk to her doctor.

sexual intimacy would be difficult to get for now while your wife is pregnant.
while a woman is pregnant she is also irritable.

please be careful of any signs of depression

please at least you get some counseling.
see if that is covered by your insurance.
or you can talk to priest or pastor for advice.

if not, you also join your wife if she visits the clinic for check ups!


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

For a moment it sounded like my husband posting...lot of similarities. 

We have toddler son and are 7 months pregnant with our next son too. We have debt and fights over money as well. It's hard starting out with a new family. I understand what you're going through. 

I think you should withdraw cash for her every two weeks or evey week and have her give up checks and cards. 

Consider individual counseling first. One of you can watch the kid while the other gets to talk about their issues. If she can get medicaid that covers usually 20 therapy sessions a year. While pregnant the income for both of you should be about $40000 or less, I think it varies by state though. Have her apply for WIC too as it takes some of the burden off for food expenses. Otherwise most universities offer counseling at reduced rates and sometimes for free so their students can practice. An experienced therapist is always monitoring though.

Btw kudos to you for not taking the car to work. Thats really nice of you to make that sacrifice. We also have just one car but my husband needs it to drive to work as its too far. Can she drop you off at work and pick you up? 

Less desire for sex towards the end of pregnancy is normal. I know I don't feel sexy or in the mood anymore. But you said this has been going on before too. It sounds like she has a lot of stress and anxiety about your toddler which turns any woman off from sex. Encourage her to leave your son with a baby sitter and practice short trips out. Investing in a nanny cam would be worth it to show her she doesn't need to be so worried about your son. I think her worry is part of her lack of desire for sex and saying hurry up. I've said that a few times to my husband when my thoughts were preoccupied with our son and what he is doing. However we do have sex several times a week despite fighting and walk outs and tossing the D word around. My husband is very active physically and has a high drive. He gives out lots of free hugs and kisses, lots of sincere wow you look so pretty right now and puts a lot of effort into getting our toddler settled with cartoons and getting me relaxed when he wants sex. We take 1-2 hours because he spends more than half of it getting me in the mood. 

I don't know if any of that helps but I'd thought I'd share anyway. Your not alone. Its tough right now for young families. Keep working on it.


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## anon111 (Oct 10, 2015)

Thanks for all the helpful advice... we are talking and will be doing counseling soon

We have already decided that I would get a vasectomy after this child so we agree there

I'll be looking into some of the information provided to see if we can make things much better

What I would do for just once a week! Your hubby is lucky!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Keep posting, Anon. Let us know what you think of the readings. Ask us as you go. 

There's so much to learn. We've all been there at some point...

Best


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's nothing really wrong with your marriage except the usual: women dive into raising babies and put dad on the back shelf, out of ignorance. They don't realize the men still have needs, the same expectations for fun and sex that they had when they were dating. And men don't realize that women don't usually have the same mental/physical desires for sex that men do, and they don't realize that for women to want to have sex, the romance/pursuit/loving aggressiveness has to be there. Read the book His Needs Her Needs TODAY, together, to understand this better, until you can get to therapy. And put your foot down about a babysitter while you go to therapy.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

When there are money issues, it hard to feel secured. If you are not feeling secured, then, you are not going to want to be intimate. So, how do you fix the money problem?

Start dealing in cash. You take away all credit cards and ATM cards. If you get paid weekly or biweekly, adjust accordingly. Take out cash for both of you. Pay the bills weekly/bi. With a new baby on the way, you are going to need to spend more. 

Do you really need a car? Because if you live in a metro area, maybe public transportation is better.

But until you get a hold on your finances don't expect much peace. So, that's why you both need to sit down and pay the bills together. Don't take on that responsibility alone, then, you become the bad guy when you tell her to stop spending. She needs to see the numbers and know exactly where you are all the time. If not, then she will continue to live in the clouds and you become the adult. Then, resent grows on both sides. 

Good luck.


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## lurky.lou (Aug 31, 2015)

If you really want to get your finances in order, the total money make over is great. "We are debt free" is a great support group om line. You can also watch a lot of free dave ramsey lectures online by going to youtube and typing financial peace university lesson one. You can also pay to take the classes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lurky.lou (Aug 31, 2015)

Dave Ramsey changed my life!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## perol (Oct 6, 2015)

anon111 said:


> Before we got married I had a porn addiction and I was able to beat it


Was that supposed to be a clever pun?


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

You two need to sit down and agree on a financial strategy. Create a budget (pocketsmith.com is a great tool). Stick to it. Pay your base expenses. Give each of you a little spending money in cash and do not spend more than that. Work on a plan for eliminating your debt. Dave Ramsey puts out good material although I disagree with some of his philosophies. Find a good banker, someone you can trust who will give you good, honest advice and help. 

Go to counselling. There is a reason your wife is uninterested in sex and a reason she spends frivolously. It's important to figure out what is going on. She may not know or at least not know how to verbalize it. Having that third party who understands what makes people tick is extremely helpful. 

Best of luck!


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Slightly off topic but the monetary system is set up to keep the masses, govt et al in perpetual debt. That's how a fractional reserve system works. There is never enough cash in circulation to payoff all the debt. I'm just hoping a brief understanding may reduce your stress since its nothing you all did wrong per se. Get a budget going, see some light at the end of the tunnel and the romance will return Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

I feel like she isn't taking the relationship too seriously if she "agrees to counseling but won't trust anyone to watch your kid" type of thing. There has to be SOMEONE she can get to know and trust with your child for a few hours so you two can go see a counselor. If there is one close by, that's like 2 hours max. Like seriously. Also, being pregnant can really get you to feel uncomfortable in your own body and just plain hurt in places you don't want to hurt, that could be a reason for lack of sex now, but if it was happening like that the previous year, then yeah..I don't know what's wrong. Have you tried to ask her about it calmly? The money issue is a different story. Honestly if I were you, I wouldn't give her access to the accounts and just give her a prepaid card with some allowance on it so you can watch the budget until she learns how to control her money issues. Seems like she thinks it grows on trees or something. I hope this helps!


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## anon111 (Oct 10, 2015)

I can't appreciate it enough for recommending Dave Ramsey and his university training. I just started watching it and my wife has heard of it from church and this will hit her hard and help us get on the same team for tackling finances. This is what I've been trying to tell her since we got married but fell on deaf ears and same habits formed.

First therapy session was a great success too so I can't tell you how happy I am right now about the direction of our marriage!

We also have decided to start going back to church at our therapy session which should help us.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Glad to hear the encouraging news, Anon. Just goes to show there are answers out there if you look for them. 

Good luck


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

anon111 said:


> I can't appreciate it enough for recommending Dave Ramsey and his university training. I just started watching it and my wife has heard of it from church and this will hit her hard and help us get on the same team for tackling finances. This is what I've been trying to tell her since we got married but fell on deaf ears and same habits formed.
> 
> First therapy session was a great success too so I can't tell you how happy I am right now about the direction of our marriage!
> 
> We also have decided to start going back to church at our therapy session which should help us.


I hope your marriage keeps going in the right direction for you guys! Glad to see this.


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