# Contempt and condescension in Affairs



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

One thing that shows up in affairs and post D-Day is the attitude of contempt and condescension. Trash-talking by the APs, condescension by both the LS and BS, depending on the blowout. Perhaps there was never condescension before in the relationships.

I still face it with my XW and it's not healthy. 

Just wondering how people deal with condescension. Do you call them on their condescension or take the high road? I've caught myself being condescending as well, in part because the XW at times seems so oblivious or sarcastic.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

With the ex? I try to not bring up the past because it has no use in the present if we're not together.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

staystrong said:


> One thing that shows up in affairs and post D-Day is the attitude of contempt and condescension. Trash-talking by the APs, condescension by both the LS and BS, depending on the blowout. Perhaps there was never condescension before in the relationships.
> 
> I still face it with my XW and it's not healthy.
> 
> Just wondering how people deal with condescension. Do you call them on their condescension or take the high road? I've caught myself being condescending as well, in part because the XW at times seems so oblivious or sarcastic.


Well, I'd say that you've already sort of dealt w/ it in that you divorced her. As for any remaining condescension, hate, spite, etc, you should probably take the high road and drop all that sh*t, especially if you have kids and have to co-parent together.

And if you don't have kids... why talk to her AT ALL?!?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Well, I'd say that you've already sort of deal w/ it in that you divorced her. As for any remaining condescension, hate, spite, etc, you should probably take the high road and drop all that sh*t, especially if you have kids and have to co-parent together.
> 
> And if you don't have kids... why talk to her AT ALL?!?


:iagree:

If you have lingering issues with your own self-esteem as a result, then I would also suggest IC while you further extricate yourself from the person who caused it.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I can't afford an IC anymore. Maybe this goes under the Divorced thread, but it's related to infidelity in that it all stems from that.

It's just the little things. 

I don't know how to co-parent with her. Things can be fine and then she will say something annoying, so I just stopped talking to her as much as possible. Better for her, too, since I had a lot of pent-up resentment (backstory: I'm stuck in her country, no old friends or fam, few opps for job change or social life). 

I related here before that I beat up her OM when she moved him into our apt we were planning to leave. (My kids stayed part time there, not that night). She's just so nonchalant about everything. And strange. At the police hearing she told me I had anger issues (yes, I am justifiably angry about the sitch and have PTSD; never a violent episode before then). She even suggested that I help OM learn how to be a step-dad to our kids. (As if we're all in on this together.)

I thought I was very clear to her what I think about her (I mean, if I was her I'd have to assume the worst), and she asked me to bring her back some vitamin and health products from my vacation. 

I can't tell if it's just a sign of absolute disrespect, trying to "friend me", obliviousness or a sign of a personality disorder? She is a serial cheater and was anorexic/bulimic earlier in life, and there is combordity with personality disorders, so I do start to wonder.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

What about post D-Day?

Is contempt, even brief, a sign that it truly is over?


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Your ex sounds like a real flake. I suppose that's putting it mildly.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Unfortunately, I had to regain some standing after I was floored on DD and the more I discovered, the more contempt I felt for the WS and the AP. I realized that they were such trash, I couldn't contain my condescension.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I felt that my (now) husband was "inventorying" neg hits against me just in case his EA might give him that sign.

So whenever I felt that he was critical without cause, I would take him to task. For example, we had gotten into a habit of my staying at his place from Friday night to Sunday afternoon. so one weekend, I cleaned his bathroom. What did I get that Sunday evening? A phone call saying that "i didn't clean up his bathroom enough." (Just what was he thinking. that his EA would some day come over and do a better job.)

We had a talk. Oh yes, we did. And these days, he is thankful for everything I do around the house now. 

I think you need to be careful and try to guage how worthy the criticism is and whether there is something playing in the background that you should know about.


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