# Curfew, high school senior



## Cooper

I'm a divorced father who has custody of both the kids, my daughter has spread her wings and is a college kid and my son is a senior in high school. My son was 15 when my ex and I divorced and he changed a lot, we did family counseling (him and I), individual counseling for him and I also had him work with a life coach for almost two years. I caught him drinking and smoking pot when he was 16 so I really tightened the reins on him, recently I caught him smoking cigarettes. He has worked at jobs I have found for him but presently doesn't work, he has always received good grades in school. We have a good relationship, never any screaming and yelling, and he is helpful around the house. 

Here's the issue, because of my concern for him and because of some poor choices he has made his during the week curfew is 9:00, 12:00 on weekends. He recently turned 18 and now thinks he can make his own decisions and has been arguing constantly about his curfew. I should note he has never been late.

Is a 9:00 curfew out of line for a high school 18 year old senior?


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## Nikki1023

Since your saying you and him have a good relationship..and he comes home on time, Id say you should base his curfew on what hes doing. 

But..I would def be a little strict during the week, especially since he's still in High school. I know when I was in HS, I barely paid attention in my first 2 classes when I stayed out late the night before. We had a 830 start.

I also was allowed to stay out until 1, sometimes 2 on the weekends...depending on what I was doing. I was in college at 18 though, late birthday.


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## COGypsy

Did he get extra brain cells for his birthday so that all of a sudden he makes better choices?

Personally, I think 9:00 is fine for just hanging out during the week. I'm sure with a valid reason, exceptions could be made, but what is there to do after 9 on a school night that he can't do before?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laurae1967

This is tough. He sounds like he wants to be independent. I know from experience that you have to let go a little and show your kids you trust them. They will make mistakes but that is part of growing up. Lots of kids smoke pot and try booze in high school. That does not in and of itself mean they are going to hell in a handbasket. If you are involved in his life and make sure you touch base with him every day in person (dinner time) the need for a curfew seems like it wouldn't be an issue. Why is he out of the house on a school night to begin with? Sports, a job or just hanging out? Shouldn't he be home doing homework? I would focus more on why he is not home. 

If his mother is not in his life, that might be a painful area he is trying to deal with. Make sure he's dealing in a healthy way.


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## Hope1964

Where I live, you're an adult at 18 - can drink, buy your own smokes, can vote etc. I have three grown kids (2 boys 22 and 20, one girl almost 18) and by the time they were 18 (actually by the time they were 16) they no longer had a curfew at all, ever. They've all 3 experimented with smoking and drinking and drugs but I know they're good kids and they're all doing just fine. When they were younger I consequenced them for it but not once they were in high school.

Like others have said, the key is for you to be involved, let him know you love him, let him make mistakes, and let him know you are always there to talk to. Without judgment. You can let him know you disagree with his choices, but giving him such an early curfew is basically a punishment. It teaches him that you don't trust him and that if he wants to smoke or drink he has to do it in secret.


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## 827Aug

That sounds more than fair to me. My daughters are 17, and I have tighter curfews on them. They are expected to be home by 8 pm on week nights and 11 pm on weekends. We live 15 miles from town, so I really don't want them out driving so late. Also, they need time in the evenings to complete homework assignments. Luckily I'm not having to deal with the smoking, alcohol or drug issues though.


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## that_girl

My curfew at 17 was 12:30am. I don't see the reason for being strict with someone who will be 18 soon.

At 16 it was 11:30. 

I smoke and drank. I did that after school at 3pm too so curfew time has nothing to do with it. 

I wasn't having sex though. lol.. Although many of my friends did it after school before 5pm as well.

I had a curfew at my mom's while I lived there. If he doesn't want a curfew, he has two options:

1. Move out.
2. Pay decent rent (for what a room goes for in your area).

He's an adult now. Treat him like one.


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## that_girl

COGypsy said:


> Did he get extra brain cells for his birthday so that all of a sudden he makes better choices?
> 
> Personally, I think 9:00 is fine for just hanging out during the week. I'm sure with a valid reason, exceptions could be made, but what is there to do after 9 on a school night that he can't do before?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


TONS of stuff  Late night movies. Late night talks with friends. Hanging out...lol.

My curfew on weeknights was 10. My mom was weird though...I couldn't come home at ALL before then and then go back out...no. If I came home at 8, then I was home for the night.

God, I hated being home with her...


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## golfergirl

that_girl said:


> TONS of stuff  Late night movies. Late night talks with friends. Hanging out...lol.
> 
> My curfew on weeknights was 10. My mom was weird though...I couldn't come home at ALL before then and then go back out...no. If I came home at 8, then I was home for the night.
> 
> God, I hated being home with her...


I honestly don't understand 17 year olds with strict curfews. My dad imposed strict curfew on my oldest sister. She was top of her class - award winning - straight A student. The second she went to university she partied her a$$ off and flunked out first year. She was so overwhelmed with freedom she blew it. My dad was tight with me but not as bad as with her. I went for sleep overs at friends houses who had later curfews.
I say school nights - in bed by 10:30. I adjust that on ability to get up on their own and bright eyed and bushy tailed in morning. Special cases for special activities. 
Weekends - late enough for late movie and a snack after.
The don't magically turn 18 and learn good decisions. Let them make them while under your care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry

that_girl said:


> If he doesn't want a curfew, he has two options:
> 
> 1. Move out.
> 2. Pay decent rent (for what a room goes for in your area).
> 
> He's an adult now. Treat him like one.


I like this answer. I think that when they still live in your house, it's your rules, unless they pay rent. I can remember moving out of my dad's house when I turned 18 because I didn't like their rules... I came back fairly quickly because 1. I couldn't get up on time for work without someone waking me up and 2. I couldn't afford anything with everything else (rent, food, gas, etc.) I had to pay for now... No fun anymore! And when I asked to move back in, they wanted to charge me rent... I opted for college soon after...


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## Sameold

He's eighteen, legally an adult. Depending on your relationship with him, I wonder if it would be beneficial to talk about what exactly you provide and what it would cost him on the open market to procure those same things? Actually, if you haven't done that, and he's about to strike out on his own for college/whatever, you probably should so reality doesn't surprise him too much.
Does he know why you want a nine pm curfew during the week? Do you know why he doesn't? Is it just an I don't want to be controlled thing, or is there something specific he wants to do that doesn't end until after nine? Could you be flexible on weekends--tell me when you'll be home and where you'll be, call if plans change--worked really well for my folks, and I had to find a pay phone back then if we weren't at someone's house--with cells it'd be easy. I didn't have my own car, so if I got permission to take one of theirs, they had all the say as to when I'd be home by, who could ride with me, etc. I wasn't a partier, though, so it wasn't a big deal to me to be out late most of the time.


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## that_girl

I like that :iagree:

But some rent should be paid. Nothing in life is free. If he wants to be treated like an adult, then treat him like an adult. Adults pay rent...well, responsible ones do anyway.


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## chattycathy

18, if he lives at your house, you have him tell you when he will be late.
You tell him you will not baby him and he will be responsible for any fall out in his life from his actions and you hope his actions are smart ones.
You also tell him to plan for a life of self sufficiency and to share it with you and to get on it!


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## unbelievable

Whose name is on the mailbox? If he was all that mature and wise, you'd be living in his house and eating his groceries. If he doesn't like your rules, he can buy or rent his own crib and be king of his own castle. I hear the Army recruiter is accepting applications. Of course, they have curfews and rules, too.


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## Cooper

Wow, everyone sure has different parenting approaches!

He is 18 but still in high school so I will not ask for rent at this point.

As for trusting him to make the best decisions frankly I don't fully trust him, he is a highly intelligent kid but a bit on the reckless side. I do believe in letting kids make their own mistakes but when it comes to things like drugs and smoking I will do all that I can to stop that from happening.

The curfew thing is a control issue for him, he just doesn't like it. If he has something going on all he has to do is call and I let him stay out later, no big deal, I am always flexible The funny thing is he's not out running around all the time, he always comes right home from school (just to eat I think!!)sometimes stays here or sometimes takes off. Rarely does he ask to stay out later, he is usually home early, even on weekends. 

I think for now I will just leave it as is, once he's out of high school I'll drop it. 

Thanks all.


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## FirstYearDown

I refused to pay my parents rent, when I moved back home at 25. The reason? They still thought they could give me curfew at that age, monitor my whereabouts and who I was with.:rofl: 

I simply told my parents that if they insisted on treating me like a child, they could not expect rent. Can't have it both ways!

I don't think that a 12AM curfew on weekends is unreasonable. 9PM on a weekday might be pushing it. If your son's worst crime is drinking and smoking-you are very lucky!  You cannot stop your children from experimenting. Being too strict will surely cause rebellion.


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## unbelievable

If discipline leads to rebellion, then why aren't our Armed Forces in revolt and why do legions of kids flock to join up, longing for a little structure? With freedom comes responsibility. When he shows he can be responsible, he can have a little more leash. People don't get fired from their jobs or drop out of school because they are too self-disciplined. The boneheads camped out on Wall Street aren't there cause they learned discipline.


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## that_girl

Our armed forces aren't in revolt because the sargeants aren't weak nor do they cower in fear of their troops 'not liking them'. It's heavy shet. I dated a marine for a long while...it was no joke. You mess up, you royally pay. No arguing, no nothing. However, if we raised our children that extreme, people would say we're abusing them. lol. 

Discipline starts at birth. Well, maybe around age 9 months. You can't start disciplining when the child hits middle school...by then they do not respect you.

I have seen many friends go through that. They never said the word "no" and now their child is 13 and a complete turd.


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## Cooper

I have given this a lot of thought and overall my son is a very good kid, finished his junior year with a 4.0 GPA and so far his grades this year are just as good, doesn't ask for money but does ask to work for money, does his own laundry, empties the dishwasher if needed, and is always respectful. If I were to list good and bad the bad list would be very short, so.....I told him I am willing to let him stay out to ten on weekdays and we will see how it goes. My guess is there really wont be any change in his routine, he'll be home early most nights but at least this way he got to flex his muscles a bit.


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## that_girl

Cooper said:


> I have given this a lot of thought and overall my son is a very good kid, finished his junior year with a 4.0 GPA and so far his grades this year are just as good, doesn't ask for money but does ask to work for money, does his own laundry, empties the dishwasher if needed, and is always respectful. If I were to list good and bad the bad list would be very short, so.....I told him I am willing to let him stay out to ten on weekdays and we will see how it goes. My guess is there really wont be any change in his routine, he'll be home early most nights but at least this way he got to flex his muscles a bit.


Sounds like a great kid! He's probably have a 2am weekend curfew at my house...cause like you said, he'd probably come in at a good time anyway. Just so long as he'd call me to say he wasn't coming home and/or out passed midnight.


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## Runs like Dog

My first two were runners. Give them an inch, they were jumping out windows at night and going wild. The baby is totally responsible and reliable though. We never had a stated a curfew w/ him, didn't need to. At least we struck the Fear of the Almighty in one of them...


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## golfergirl

Cooper said:


> I have given this a lot of thought and overall my son is a very good kid, finished his junior year with a 4.0 GPA and so far his grades this year are just as good, doesn't ask for money but does ask to work for money, does his own laundry, empties the dishwasher if needed, and is always respectful. If I were to list good and bad the bad list would be very short, so.....I told him I am willing to let him stay out to ten on weekdays and we will see how it goes. My guess is there really wont be any change in his routine, he'll be home early most nights but at least this way he got to flex his muscles a bit.


Sounds reasonable to me. Sounds like he was raised correctly with good internal boundaries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown

unbelievable said:


> If discipline leads to rebellion, then why aren't our Armed Forces in revolt and why do legions of kids flock to join up, longing for a little structure? With freedom comes responsibility. When he shows he can be responsible, he can have a little more leash. People don't get fired from their jobs or drop out of school because they are too self-disciplined. The boneheads camped out on Wall Street aren't there cause they learned discipline.


I said that *being too strict leads to rebellion*. Read my post properly. 

I agree that too many children receive no discipline, which is at the other end of the spectrum. However, I know how it feels to have so many rules that it feels like home is prison.

My parents stubbornly refused to leave the 50's. I was forced to watch my mother cook and do laundry for six people, because I had to learn to be a wife. None of my brothers ever had to do these things. Children need chores, but they do not need to be treated like slaves-we had to take our mother's boots off for her and fetch food like servants. 

While my brothers were out having fun like normal young people, I was expected to stay home all the time with my parents. I was also called nasty names just for dating-I was supposed to marry the first man I met. :rofl: My parents wanted me to be naive.

Leaving home was the best thing I ever did. There were no more brutal beatings, insults and sexist rules. I stopped losing hair from stress and I became less depressed.

Unbelievable, are you going to tell me that my parents were right to treat me like an inmate?:rofl:


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## weeyaosi

Luckily I'm not having to deal with the smoking, alcohol or drug issues though.


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## Cooper

The drinking, smoking or drug use hasn't been chronic issues at all, I think I keep such a close eye on my kids I catch that stuff right away. I see no ongoing issues so chalk it up to teenage experimenting, but I am watching(and smelling) very very closely!

So in the time since I told my son he could stay out till ten on weeknights he hasn't stayed out that late even once, he has only come home after nine on a couple occasions, funny how it was such a big deal to him.


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## that_girl

People just like choices. Even my 3 year old does better when given a choice (even though they are two of MY choices LOL).

Glad things are working out


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## whyhateyaa

Sports, a job or just hanging out? Shouldn't he be home doing homework? I would focus more on why he is not home.


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## killyouli

It teaches him that you don't trust him and that if he wants to smoke or drink he has to do it in secret.


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## dawgfan

Hey Cooper - 

Sounds like you're doing a good job with this. Yeah, boundaries and curfews do need to be adjusted as kids get older - but you're definitely right to be on guard about substance abuse and other risky behaviors. A curfew won't automatically stop these things - I had a kid who was _always_ home on time, but broke plenty of rules while she was out! But you do have a right to set some reasonable limits - at least as long as you're paying the bills and putting a roof over your son's head. 

I think you're right about this being a control thing. Shifting control to our kids' shoulders can be tricky, but it's really important as they get ready to leave for college or move out on their own. I'm with Focus on the Family, and a book we highly recommend is Losing Control and Liking It: How to Set Your Teen (And Yourself) Free. It has a chapter called "But I'm 18!" which talks about this stage you're in.

Hang in there, buddy. Your son's fortunate to have a dad who cares so much!

dawgfan


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## Cooper

dawgfan said:


> Hey Cooper -
> 
> Sounds like you're doing a good job with this. Yeah, boundaries and curfews do need to be adjusted as kids get older - but you're definitely right to be on guard about substance abuse and other risky behaviors. A curfew won't automatically stop these things - I had a kid who was _always_ home on time, but broke plenty of rules while she was out! But you do have a right to set some reasonable limits - at least as long as you're paying the bills and putting a roof over your son's head.
> 
> I think you're right about this being a control thing. Shifting control to our kids' shoulders can be tricky, but it's really important as they get ready to leave for college or move out on their own. I'm with Focus on the Family, and a book we highly recommend is Losing Control and Liking It: How to Set Your Teen (And Yourself) Free. It has a chapter called "But I'm 18!" which talks about this stage you're in.
> 
> Hang in there, buddy. Your son's fortunate to have a dad who cares so much!
> 
> dawgfan




Thanks dawgfan, I will I'll see if I can find the book you recommend at the local Barnes and Noble, should be a fun read!


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## tk421jag

I haven't read everyone's reply yet, but let me just give you my take, as I am pretty young and did EXACTLY what your son is doing.

9pm is a little early. I would maybe say 10pm. 

My grandparents and mother always have said, if you're out during the week after 10pm, then you're probably up to no good. And where I live, it's the truth. 

When I was in high school, I smoked (cigarettes and pot), and drank, and partied, and skipped school. I frequently got caught, and I always got in trouble. 

If my parents hadn't taken steps to fix the situation, regardless of me being 15 or 18, I don't think I would have lived through college. 

To be honest, what kind of snapped me back to reality is a friend of mine dying my senior year in a drunk driving accident. After that, I thought to myself, what in God's name am I doing with my life? All the smoking and drinking and partying seemed really really stupid. 

Your son has got to start thinking to the future and what kind of a man he wants to be. Part of that is him having a job. My parents made me start to pay my own insurance and pay for all the things that I bought when I turned 18 and now I am much more responsible. The alternative to that was that I start paying rent to them. That was only because of how much trouble I had been.

I went to college with large groups of people that never had to work through high school and never worked through college. Most of them failed classes, and never took anything too serious because they had ZERO responsibility. 

In the end, it's your house, and your rules.


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