# step parenting is hard



## bitl

I have a 14yr old step daughter; she's a good kid and has attitude for sure. I’m struggling with my role as a step parent. Maybe bc she's 14 and I’m 27? Or I’m jealous my husband had another kid and I wish it was just us…….?

My husband is 37 and his daughter is from a previous marriage. Together we have a 1yr old daughter. 

I struggle being a boss/parent around the 14yr old. I feel more like I’m her nanny and she's my boss. When I try to take control back I get lots of attitude and immaturely give attitude back to her and my husband doesn’t help. He says he wont choose a side bc if he chooses my side then its us against her and she’s the outsider. But I feel like I’m the outside bc he doesn’t have my back on parenting her. I don’t know what to do. I feel myself starting to hate the child living with us, I’m getting *****y and snappy more and more and that’s not right. Any advice?


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## TNgirl232

I think 2 things:

1) Family Counseling -at that age attitude is prevalent, but she may be having issues in regards to her dad's divorce and everything. Having an open forum is good

2) Sit down with your husband and draw up basic household rules - What chores she is responsible for, No back talking, etc. Also make a list of the punishments if a rule is broken. Do this when she isn't in trouble, that way there is no 'side taking' and you present a united front. Its very easy to say "you just got a major attitude with me, you know the punishment for that is loosing your cell phone for 3 days, if you don't bring it under control right now then hand over the phone. She knows the consequences for her actions up front. She can't go to dad and say your being unfair, because the rules is the rules . If you punish her while dad is gone, then dad has to stand behind you and say "I wasn't here, I don't know what happened, its between your SM and you"

After that if he doesn't back you up then he is in the wrong and needs to step up.


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## marriage101

I am new to this forum....


OP we are in a similar situation. Im 26years old and my H is 34. The difference btwn us is that he has 6 kids and we dont have any children together. 3 of this kids ages 11 (B),13 (G), 14(B) lives with us now. They moved in with us about a month ago from another state and it has been hard bc I have a 8 year son who is having a hard time adjusting. I have gotten into arguments with his kids about thier behavior and attitude towards my son. 

We have only been married for about 4 months and we are having a hard time adjusting. I have no advice but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone

We might have to seek marriage counseloring soon bc our family is sooo stressed out....


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## HadIOnlyKnown

I'm new here, too....

I just wanted to comment on what your husband said about if he backs you up then it becomes the two of you against her, and she is the outsider. That is ridiculous. Will he use this logic with your one year old? Only one of you must discipline the child to avoid 2 against 1? Will the kid be an outsider if you BOTH agree he be punished for something. I'm really so tired of that logic from biological parents - IMO it is a cop out. They can throw that out and sound like such concerned parents when, really, it just relieves them of having to discipline their child.


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## borninapril

Being a Step parent is hard and it generally doesn't get any easier as time goes on. I am a Step parent to 3 children (14 girl, 12 boy and 9 boy) plus we have our own daughter who is 7. Have never had any problesm with the oldest girl and I got into this relationship with my wife when she was still pregnant with the 9 year old boy. But for whatever reason the 12 boy and I have always had problems. We had the state investigate us four or five time (I say us but the allagations were all directed at me) with nothing ever being found. For a while he told everyone he was going to kill himself and he went into therapy, with no real outcome (His Father had him go and never shared anything with us).And for the past several years has had problems with fighting at school but only with girls, as a matter of fact he was beat up by two of his male "friends" and just layed down and took the beating without trying to fight back. He is constintly fighting with all his siblings but if I say or do anything I'm in the wrong. It gotten to the point where I really want nothing to do with him when we have him. 

The oldest has always been a joy and I've raised the youngest son since birth , though he now has a relationship with his biologicial father. But for whatever reason the 12 is a handful and seems to be getting worse. So I understand what it's like to not have your spouse be on the same page with you even when they know it's the right thing to do.


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## Laurae1967

Being a step-parent IS hard. You should not try to be her mother, but you are an adult in charge in your home and as such, she needs to abide by the family/house rules.

Your husband may feel protective of her, and in some ways that is wonderful because it means he really loves her and wants what is best for her. But he needs to agree to rules and boundaries with you and how they should be implemented.

Sometimes step-parents are more tough on their step-kids than on their biological kids, so be aware of this. And teens are tough and if your expectations are unrealistic, this will also be a problem.

I would get family counseling to work this out. My husband and I did this and it helped. It's very tough to blend families and you need to be flexible and to have realistic expectations.


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## miggs

Wow, that's really one tough situation you have there. Well, this is not actually an expert advice but seeing through your problem, I guess the first thing you should focus on is how to establish a good relationship with your SD. Maybe talk to her first about how good your intention is and will do your best to make her feel that you love her and that she's your daughter too. But explain to her that you would need for her to cooperate so that you won't all be having a hard time. If it needs therapy for both of you to be able to do that, then it's probably worth a try. 
Proper and clear communication does play a very crucial role into understanding each other's sentiments and worries. That includes your husband knowing your side of the story and how you feel about him not taking part in teaching his daughter some respect in dealing with her SM. She should be thankful enough to know that her parents are not considering anything like this because some parents do, especially when they're dealing with difficult to control teens.


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## TheMizz...erable

I agree on the step parenting being hard. My step kids were 10 and 12 when I met them. We didn't connect real well. I was not prepared and it doesn't help when the mom wants you to be the disciplinarian too. She needed to step up in those situations because the kids and I couldn't bond if I had to be the one to keep them in line. And I told her how I felt. But she wanted them to like her more than anything.


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## tacoma

bitl said:


> I have a 14yr old step daughter; she's a good kid and has attitude for sure. I’m struggling with my role as a step parent. Maybe bc she's 14 and I’m 27? Or I’m jealous my husband had another kid and I wish it was just us…….?
> 
> My husband is 37 and his daughter is from a previous marriage. Together we have a 1yr old daughter.
> 
> I struggle being a boss/parent around the 14yr old. I feel more like I’m her nanny and she's my boss. When I try to take control back I get lots of attitude and immaturely give attitude back to her and my husband doesn’t help. He says he wont choose a side bc if he chooses my side then its us against her and she’s the outsider. But I feel like I’m the outside bc he doesn’t have my back on parenting her. I don’t know what to do. I feel myself starting to hate the child living with us, I’m getting *****y and snappy more and more and that’s not right. Any advice?


I`ve been a step parent for the past 13-14 years.
It is the most difficult thing I`ve ever done or expect to do.

You must sit down with your husband and explain to him the he needs to support you in this role.

If he refuses to do so the only thing you can do is to disengage from being a parent on a daily basis.
If you`d like to know how to do this I`ll give you some tips.
It isn`t easy and it isn`t pretty but it`s your only option if your husband isn`t behind you.

It`s the only thing that will keep your marriage healthy.

I chose to disengage 10 years ago as the tension would have destroyed my marriage.
Now I`m seeing light at the end of the tunnel.
:smthumbup:


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## golfergirl

tacoma said:


> I`ve been a step parent for the past 13-14 years.
> It is the most difficult thing I`ve ever done or expect to do.
> 
> You must sit down with your husband and explain to him the he needs to support you in this role.
> 
> If he refuses to do so the only thing you can do is to disengage from being a parent on a daily basis.
> If you`d like to know how to do this I`ll give you some tips.
> It isn`t easy and it isn`t pretty but it`s your only option if your husband isn`t behind you.
> 
> It`s the only thing that will keep your marriage healthy.
> 
> I chose to disengage 10 years ago as the tension would have destroyed my marriage.
> Now I`m seeing light at the end of the tunnel.
> :smthumbup:


I'm the mom and H is the step-parent. It is tough and I have his back even! Kids are good at guilting the natural parent, that's why I like the approach of the poster who said lay out the rules when things are going well, spelled out clear with consequences. If he refuses to back you, then I'd back away from ALL discipline and when daddy gets home for the day, report factually what happened and leave him to deal with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma

golfergirl; said:


> If he refuses to back you, then I'd back away from ALL discipline and when daddy gets home for the day, report factually what happened and leave him to deal with it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's exactly what I mean by "disengage".
It's much harder than one might think
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl

tacoma said:


> That's exactly what I mean by "disengage".
> It's much harder than one might think
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


From the other side of things - I disengaged and it worked like a charm. My H is stricter than I am. He believes in punishing for everything and I believe in more of a natural consequence approach when there's no danger. I get caught in the middle all the time. I finally got fed up (kids are 20 and 16 now) and told him, 'you've been parenting and loving these kids on your own for 6 years, I wouldn't take ****'s phone away for two weeks for what happened, but if you think it's right, I'll support you, but I'm not doing it.'. Well Mr. Hardnose didn't do ANYTHING! I was willing to accept whatever he chose to do, but I was tired of being the enforcer for things I didn't agree on. I removed myself from the middle, and my H learned to compromise a little - win - win. Off topic, but your comment made me think of that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Versaillon

tacoma said:


> I`ve been a step parent for the past 13-14 years.
> It is the most difficult thing I`ve ever done or expect to do.
> 
> You must sit down with your husband and explain to him the he needs to support you in this role.
> 
> If he refuses to do so the only thing you can do is to disengage from being a parent on a daily basis.
> If you`d like to know how to do this I`ll give you some tips.
> It isn`t easy and it isn`t pretty but it`s your only option if your husband isn`t behind you.
> 
> It`s the only thing that will keep your marriage healthy.
> 
> I chose to disengage 10 years ago as the tension would have destroyed my marriage.
> Now I`m seeing light at the end of the tunnel.
> :smthumbup:


I'd take some tips from you Tecoma. I'm so at the end of my wits now, I'm now ready to disengage completely from my SS.


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## tacoma

For those interested in disengaging in order to save their marriage you should talk with your spouse about how you feel you are being treated in your own home.
Explain to them that this can`t go on and explain to them that you plan to disengage.
They won`t understand, they can`t understand as they have no basis for understanding but such is life.
Once you`ve told them what you plan to do do it.

Here is what disengagement is in a nutshell.

You refuse responsibility for these children who aren`t yours.
That`s it and that`s all.

You are not responsible for their rooms being clean.
You are not responsible for them trashing the house.
You are not responsible for their homework.
You are not responsible for getting them to dance class.
You are not responsible for parenting them whatsoever and you shouldn`t even try.
Your spouse is entirely responsible for all of this.

Can you give them the occasional ride to soccer practice?
Sure, help your spouse out but you're not giving your kids a ride, you`re doing a favor for your spouses kids and that`s the attitude you should have while doing it.

What you are responsible for is how you are treated by them and how you treat them.
You will insist you and your belongings are respected.
When your boundaries are crossed by them you discuss it with them like you would with any acquaintance who tried to take advantage of you.
You don`t discipline them like a child, you speak to them like a person.
You will do exactly what you say you will do EVERY TIME!

You treat them as if they are renting a room in your home and expect the same consideration a border would give you.
This is the only interaction you have with them and it`s all you need.

This might not work for some but it worked for me.

I`m nearing the end of my step-family nightmare and the light from the end of that 13 year long tunnel is shining brightly on my face.
I can feel the warmth of it. I`m basking in it.

Here`s a quote I picked up somewhere that really hit me hard concerning my relationship with my step-sons.

"When you find that YOU are reaping the consequences of what someone else has sown.....you are enabling."*

Stop enabling, live your life as if it were actually YOUR life regardless of your spouses kids.

Here`s the caveat, they don`t like me, I don`t like them.
I don`t care because they respect me regardless.

So if you`re looking for the mythical loving child-parent relationship give it up.
The likelihood of that happening is close to zero.


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## shanlaily

she wanted them to like her more than anything.


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## ladybird

bitl said:


> I have a 14yr old step daughter; she's a good kid and has attitude for sure. I’m struggling with my role as a step parent. Maybe bc she's 14 and I’m 27? Or I’m jealous my husband had another kid and I wish it was just us…….?
> 
> My husband is 37 and his daughter is from a previous marriage. Together we have a 1yr old daughter.
> 
> I struggle being a boss/parent around the 14yr old. I feel more like I’m her nanny and she's my boss. When I try to take control back I get lots of attitude and immaturely give attitude back to her and my husband doesn’t help. He says he wont choose a side bc if he chooses my side then its us against her and she’s the outsider. But I feel like I’m the outside bc he doesn’t have my back on parenting her. I don’t know what to do. I feel myself starting to hate the child living with us, I’m getting *****y and snappy more and more and that’s not right. Any advice?


She is 14, most teenagers have attitude.

My husband has 3 children from a previous relationship. 21 year old daughter, 19 year old son and a 16 year old daughter. 

You are going to have to put your foot down with her. Treat her as if she were your own child. My husband however never lets his children disrespect me. I have a very good relationship with his children. I have always treated them as if they were my own.

You have to act like adult, because you are.


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## rockland45

Wow - lots of great advice here! Learning how to parent stepchildren really is a learn-as-you-go process. From what you're all saying, open communication definitely seems to be key - and respectfulness. It helps me to realize that the dynamic behind so much of the conflict is competing attachments - you've got kids who feel that a loving relationship with a stepparent is being disloyal to the biological parent and vice versa with a stepparent feeling that being involved with the stepchildren takes something away from their own kids. Add on top of that the hurt and loss the kids have already experienced, differences in parenting styles, all the typical teenage issues, etc. and there's a lot to deal with. One bit of advice I heard suggests letting the child set the tone and the pace for the relationship - and make sure your husband supports you. There's a great website that I found that I just have to share - Smart Stepfamilies - very good books there too that get into this more. Maybe they'd be helpful.


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## Bobby5000

I have raised two stepkids and our own. Some suggested guidelines. 

1. It is different. Your ability to dictate and parent is limited in a step-parent relationship. Generally discipline should go through the natural parent. The step-parent should be the nice guy or gal. 

2. Recognize kids can be tough but with patience things work out. My oldest would periodically drink and at 14 came home drunk or high with an ear pierced. He later got an MBA from one of the top schools in the nation, and makes about 150,000 per year in a tough economy. He has a 1/2 million house and now gives me advice about running a business. 

3. Your husband is wrong about taking sides. It is not taking sides to set up reasonable rules. You should not present basic discipline as an attack on her or an attempt to take sides. Instead, just go over reasonable rules. Can Jane stay out to 3:00 A.M on a school night; if not, have him agree to a reasonable curfew and modest punishment he will impose if she violates it. 

Remember we are not attacking anyone and let's not group any problems as part of an overall disfunctional child. Instead, emphasize that you love your step daughter and want what's best for her. 

As a step-parent, you provide love, concern, and support.


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## CANT WIN

IT IS VERY HARD TO BE A STEP MUM, EVEN MORE SO WHEN THEY HAVE AN ATTITUDE IM KIND OF LUCKY MINE DOSNT LIVE WITH US BUT I STILL HAVE PROBLEMS IN THE DAY TO DAY LIVING BECAUSE I RESENT HER SO MUCH BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE THE OTHER WOMAN SHE IS SO POSSIVE AND JELOUS OF ME BIENG WITH HER FATHER AND HIM NOT SPENDING HIS EVERY WAKING MOMENT WITH HER
I REALLY FEEL IM LOOSING MY MARRAGE TO THIS CHILD OF 21 AS MY PARTNER THINKS HE HAS TO CHOOSE AND I KNOW I WILL LOOSE THE COIN TOSS. I HAVE TRIED TO LIKE HER BUT I JUST CANT


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## wickederthanyou

I feel for all of you here. I go through serious step family issues on just about a daily basis. it seems there can never be peace for more than a couple days. SS15 and SD 13. They have lived with us full time for 4 yrs and only seen their BM once, and that was just a couple months ago. No respect for adults, lazy, spoiled, dishonest, entitled and with Mommy issues on top of it all. I did my best for 4 years, and things started going downhill about a year ago. I just had to stop doing so much and trying so hard. They will not EVER want a step mother. And truthfully, stepmothers have such a bad rap to begin with. We're vilified and stereo-typed waaaay back in history. You can't fight that. Enjoy your own children, let your husband parent his, and bite your tongue a LOT. It's hard, it sucks. Have hobbies that take place outside your home, don't be available to cook or clean, have, get this, a LIFE that does not involve your stepkids. And make your marriage your #1 priority. I've found that I need to care about 30% less about sh** than I do. Working on it. I wish you well, it is a thankless task.


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## SMiller

I am a former custodial SP. SD came to live with us at age 10 and was a handful, but things really got worse when she was around 14 (same type of issues are yours). By 18, she was a terror. The basic problem was hubby felt tremendous guilt and didn't discipline her.

I really believe the only solution is counseling. I tried everything, but H and I were not on the same page and SD used this to her advantage (as kids will do). I couldn't talk him into counseling so we all suffered until the day she moved out at age 19.

If you can't talk H into counseling, go see a counselor on your own to help you through this. I wish I would have done this.


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## LuciaBen

*Parenting* is very important step during growing process of child so you need to understand each steps clearly. It may be step parenting or having your own children, parenting steps will be same for all. You are not giving different information to all kids. Whatever basic information kids needs, it will be same for all. Am i Right????????


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## EleGirl

tacoma said:


> For those interested in disengaging in order to save their marriage you should talk with your spouse about how you feel you are being treated in your own home.
> Explain to them that this can`t go on and explain to them that you plan to disengage.
> They won`t understand, they can`t understand as they have no basis for understanding but such is life.
> Once you`ve told them what you plan to do do it.
> 
> Here is what disengagement is in a nutshell.
> 
> You refuse responsibility for these children who aren`t yours.
> That`s it and that`s all.
> 
> You are not responsible for their rooms being clean.
> You are not responsible for them trashing the house.
> You are not responsible for their homework.
> You are not responsible for getting them to dance class.
> You are not responsible for parenting them whatsoever and you shouldn`t even try.
> Your spouse is entirely responsible for all of this.
> 
> Can you give them the occasional ride to soccer practice?
> Sure, help your spouse out but you're not giving your kids a ride, you`re doing a favor for your spouses kids and that`s the attitude you should have while doing it.
> 
> What you are responsible for is how you are treated by them and how you treat them.
> You will insist you and your belongings are respected.
> When your boundaries are crossed by them you discuss it with them like you would with any acquaintance who tried to take advantage of you.
> You don`t discipline them like a child, you speak to them like a person.
> You will do exactly what you say you will do EVERY TIME!
> 
> You treat them as if they are renting a room in your home and expect the same consideration a border would give you.
> This is the only interaction you have with them and it`s all you need.
> 
> This might not work for some but it worked for me.
> 
> I`m nearing the end of my step-family nightmare and the light from the end of that 13 year long tunnel is shining brightly on my face.
> I can feel the warmth of it. I`m basking in it.
> 
> Here`s a quote I picked up somewhere that really hit me hard concerning my relationship with my step-sons.
> 
> "When you find that YOU are reaping the consequences of what someone else has sown.....you are enabling."*
> 
> Stop enabling, live your life as if it were actually YOUR life regardless of your spouses kids.
> 
> Here`s the caveat, they don`t like me, I don`t like them.
> I don`t care because they respect me regardless.
> 
> So if you`re looking for the mythical loving child-parent relationship give it up.
> The likelihood of that happening is close to zero.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## EleGirl

I have two step children. Their dad and I married in 2000, SD was 10, SS was 11. My son was 10. My husband had custody of his two kids.

Being a step parent was awful. If I had known what I know now I would not have married their father. Raising them was a terrible experience.

Their mother moved across the country to Florida. She would go months with no contact. Then when she did contact them she would tell them things like they did not have to listen to us. That she was going to help them run away to go live with her. So that made their attitudes even worse.

They tried to get me in trouble by going to school and telling the counselor that I was abusing them. So Child Protective Services came to our home a couple of times. It was so clear that they were making things up. My step son even told me that he was going to get me put in jail. Years later my step daughter told me that she was in on the plot but that she was playing the 'good kid'. (If that was a good kid ...wow, just wow.)

Both have since told me that they love me, that I'm really the only mom they had as I've done 1000 times more for them then their mother ever did. They have appologized for being such monsters to me.

I love them... and it's so difficult. Today they are 22 and 24. They are both no allowed in our house anymore as they are both heavy drug users. My son, 22, still lives with us. He's in college getting his degree in physics and engineering. He came out ok. He cares for his step brother and sister but has little to do with them because of the drug use.

We told them that they had to be clean for a year before they could come back into our lives. But they call me all the time for advice, for the holidays, to check on me... make it hard to do the tough love thing with their drug use.

Like I said I would not do it again.


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## Bella_Boo

I'm 30 and I have a 12 year old step daughter. She was 6 when I first came into the picture. When she was younger, she loved me. She even called me "Mommy" and bragged to her friends that she had 2 moms. Now at age 12 she has a bad attitude. I feel like she started to resent me after I had my son. My son is now 5 and I have a 3 month old daughter. She does not act like a loving big sister to them, she is pretty rude to my son and it hurts him because he loves her so much. I have a hard time trying to discipline her, I am always concerned that if I say anything, she will turn it around and run and tell her mother that I am "mean." So I leave the discipline up to my husband, but he avoids confrontation. I always thought her attitude was just to us, but recently I found out that her mother is having a hard time with her attitude too. Must be those pre-teen years....


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## Bobby5000

You do want to tell her that you love her, and that is unconditional. We don't tell our kids, step included, that if they get A's we love them, if its C's, forget about it. 

Don't get too stressed about some of these things. I have a step-kid who achieved honors at a top business school, earns about 150,000 per year in a tough economy, and has a house worth over a half million dollars. He also came home with an earring from a concert that he did not know how it got there (my wife removed it) had a girlfriend who at 16 thought it would be nice to have a baby (broke up fortunately though a friend had a baby out of wedlock after a 5 minute liason with a girl in a bathroom), and did not finish he first year of college. We always told him we loved him and you recognize life and parenthood is a roller coaster. 

Your husband needs to understand that enforcing rules is a sign of love. Kids need discipline. One step is reviewing rules with him, and when there is a deviation, being prepared to impose discipline. That said, I can understand his not getting involved, with minor issues of demeanor, tone of voice, etc. However, if she has an 11:30 curfew and is supposed at Janet's, and comes home at 1:30 A.M. and Janet's mother says she wasn't there, some discipline must be imposed. If that happens, the step-parent SHOULD NEVER BE THE PERSON DOING THE DISCIPLINE AND SHOULD ALSO NOT TELL THE OTHER PARENT IN FRONT OF THE CHILD OF THE NEED FOR DISCIPLINE. 

If you are the step-parent, do not get in the middle of high-stress fights or issues. Step away, let the other discipline and if he or she does not, discuss it with him and review the need for reasonable rules, and that this is a sign of love. Ask him, I have a friend who has a 16 year old girl and he checks out any dates and makes them come in. Another friend has a 13 year old girl, he told her she can come and go as she wants and should feel free to go out with 19 year old guys. After all, there is no need for rules, and they can make children feel angry or resentful. 

Finally, your antenna is good, and you must be extremely vigilant in making sure there is no perception of favoritism to the child both parents had. 



bitl said:


> I have a 14yr old step daughter; she's a good kid and has attitude for sure. I’m struggling with my role as a step parent. Maybe bc she's 14 and I’m 27? Or I’m jealous my husband had another kid and I wish it was just us…….?
> 
> My husband is 37 and his daughter is from a previous marriage. Together we have a 1yr old daughter.
> 
> I struggle being a boss/parent around the 14yr old. I feel more like I’m her nanny and she's my boss. When I try to take control back I get lots of attitude and immaturely give attitude back to her and my husband doesn’t help. He says he wont choose a side bc if he chooses my side then its us against her and she’s the outsider. But I feel like I’m the outside bc he doesn’t have my back on parenting her. I don’t know what to do. I feel myself starting to hate the child living with us, I’m getting *****y and snappy more and more and that’s not right. Any advice?


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## girl friday

I agree with Tacoma. when I first got together with my partner I tried too hard with his kids and it does back fire especialy if they are getting fired up in the back ground by their bio mum. They feel like their loyalities are being tested and in most cases they will side with their bio parents. 

Backing off or disengaging worked for me. At the end of the day they are not your children and you are not responsible for them. Blended families do not work the same way as bio families and when you are able to get your head around that, it will all become easier. As long as you all treat each other with respect then that is a good start, and who knows once things have cooled then they may re-start on a better footing and over time something wonderful may grow.


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