# I wouldn't say I was "depressed" but.....



## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

When I woke this morning, my immediate thought was...... Another day to get through!:scratchhead:

It's like Groundhog day I think Same old, same old all the time. Constant housework, constant tidying up, chores always need doing, then they need doing again. I'm not obsessed with housework at all really, it gets done when it gets done. The main living areas are always tidy. Mainly me that does the chores (hubby works full time and long hours) the kids.... well they put plates etc in dishwasher, son's tidier than daughter. 

Then there's the kids, daughter's nearly 19 and on her way to Uni (good, so I will have a tidy house again!) but she dented my car (which she borrows a lot) yesterday. Though it could've happened any time (even when I was using it) But my hubby (her dad) flips. He works long long hours and feels like he's doing it all just to pay for the kids. Daughter's mobile phone bill is double this month.

It just seems one minor issue after another, and I feel constantly in the doghouse (with hubby) over stuff. 

We've got a two week holiday somewhere hot (as we live in England and the summer is cr*p this year) soon so that will help. 

Sometimes I just want the world to stop so I can get off.

As I say, not depressed as such:scratchhead:


----------



## Little Bird (Jan 16, 2012)

A close friend of mind recently sent me an e-mail that looked just like this 

Marriage, kids, keeping the house... it's all work, and when you wake up everyday knowing you're going to be doing the exact same thing, it can get you down. 

Some suggestions:
1. Get you kids more involved in the housework - beyond putting stuff in the dishwasher. Things like making them in charge of cleaning their own rooms.

2. Do you have a specific hobby? Set aside some time everyday to 'indulge' in your hobby.

3. Get it ON with your husband. Not talking full on sex everyday, but flirt with your husband inthe morning, send him fun texts throughout the day... it'll lighten your spirit, lighten his and melt away some of that tension between you that builds when you're both busy running around with daily duties. Remember that you both have eachother, and act like it.

4. Try something new everyday. You could start off small, like trying a new type of tea, get a new haircut, visit a new food place, go to somewhere new with your H -- walking is always good! Not too taxing, and is completely free. Gives you both a chance to talk to eachother.

The more things you and your husband do together, the more things you'll have to talk about that don't involve the 'typical duties' of housework, dealing with kids, money, etc. I think once you and your husband can reconnect a little bit and BOTH de-stress, you'll find there's one more person on your side and one less person to chase after/worry about.


Life's like this sometimes. There are times I don't want to wake up because I know I'll be dragging myself off to work all over again with no end in sight. But the one thing that gets me through 'groundhog day syndrome' is my and my husband staying close and trying new things all the time.

Give yourself little things to look forward to every day to stamp out the whole "it's always the same, same, same" feeling - which I know can get you down.

I hope you feel better soon. And enjoy your holiday, too! Keep reminding yourself of it, and steal a hug and a kiss from each member of your family! Get some appreciation for being a Mother - probably the hardest job in the world. Honestly, my heart is warmed by women like you who give some much for their families (even to the point it gets them down haha...) - for what it's worth, there will always be people like me out there who had 'I don't give a damn, just play with your silver rattle' mothers, who will look at you and say "that's a great women, I hope she knows how awesome she is."

So that's my final message to you: the fact that your feeling down about this is due to you working hard and getting things done. So, implement some new things in life to liven things up a bit, but tomorrow when you get up an think"argh, not again" ... don't forget the "but I'm SO AWESOME" part.

Because trust me... your husband and your kids realyl do think you're awesome


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Maybe you just hit a rough patch. Not depressed but just a little down.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why is the 19 year old (and other kids?) not helping with chores and cleaning up their own messes?


----------



## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

Little Bird said:


> 1. Get your kids more involved in the housework - beyond putting stuff in the dishwasher. Things like making them in charge of cleaning their own rooms.
> 
> 2. Do you have a specific hobby? Set aside some time everyday to 'indulge' in your hobby.
> 
> ...


Thank you everyone for your quick replies....

1. The kids do the bare minimum, as I don't have a set routine of housework, I just do it when I feel like it (as I say, the main living areas are always neat and tidy) So I can't expect my kids to get into a routine of housework. Son keeps his room just so, daughter's is a pigsty. I spend A LOT of time hanging stuff up in there. For a quiet life! I've left her to hang her own clothes up, but the pile just got bigger and bigger. 

They always put their dirty stuff in the dishwasher. And they will empty it ONLY if I ask them to. They always put their dirty clothes in the laundry basket.

They TRY and tidy up (say if they've cooked anything in the kitchen) but it's never to the standard I like it to be at. Better than nothing I suppose.

They'll get the laundry in off the line outside IF I ask them to (though daughter's done it a couple of times without asking) but it's just shoved in the basket any old how!! 

2. Yes I love to draw and paint, and birdwatch. I "indulged" in a painting a few weeks ago, and had the MOST relaxing time. I've since applied to Volunteer at our local Zoo.

3. I know any contact with hubby during the day IS good, but it's rare we text. I'm sure he'd like the idea of a few regular texts. It WOULD lighten the moods. Will try that.

4. Good idea to try something new. And it would be nice to enjoy a few walks with hubby, but he gets home so late, we're both tired. Ought to make the most of this nice weather, but shame we can't.

My hubby has emailed today re: the dent on my car. Like he's had nothing else to think about all day. I'm annoyed with daughter (who had borrowed the car) because now we've had a massive mobile phone bill. It's all MONEY MONEY MONEY!! And it always seems to go in one direction......Daughter is unable to save her own money that she earns from a couple of little jobs she has.


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

I did that just today. I just kind of sighed and didn't really want to get out of bed. So I forced myself get out of bed, took a shower and went grocery shopping. Later today, I plan on taking a walk.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

DameEdna said:


> Daughter is unable to save her own money that she earns from a couple of little jobs she has.


Why?

Have you both taught her how to budget and save? Maybe before she goes to uni, you could both sit down with her and run her through the basics of what she's going to need for herself, and how to manage her money. If she can't pay her phone bill and isn't being responsible about that, perhaps it's time to stop paying it until she learns how.

It sounds to me, like you're in a bit of a funk or a bit lost. The volunteering sounds like a good thing. Perhaps it's time to change things up and get involved, as you're planning! And it sounds like your husband is fed up and stressed/worn out of footing the bill for daughter. Maybe you need to face that with him head on - have a clear discussion together about your daughter and then bring it to her. Or does he expect you to take care of such matters while he's at work?


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

DameEdna said:


> My hubby has emailed today re: the dent on my car. Like he's had nothing else to think about all day. I'm annoyed with daughter (who had borrowed the car) because now we've had a massive mobile phone bill. It's all MONEY MONEY MONEY!! And it always seems to go in one direction......Daughter is unable to save her own money that she earns from a couple of little jobs she has.


Forgive me, I don't know if you work, but is that an option - even part time? I get the sense your husband is feeling the weight of things. If you're not already, working might also provide you with different stimulation. Just a thought.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

DameEdna said:


> I feel constantly in the doghouse (with hubby) over stuff.


If I were constantly in the doghouse with my husband I'd be depressed.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Why is the 19 year old (and other kids?) not helping with chores and cleaning up their own messes?


Yup. This one sounds irresponsible. It's not a problem for her if:

* Does not clean up after herself
* Doubles her usual cell-phone bill
* Dents your car and does not fix it.

Personally, if I were your H I would be very unhappy with all the above (assuming they are not isolated incidents), for two reasons. One, it shows a lack of respect for the trouble you guys go through to provide these things. Two, the sheer cost to fix some of this (the car) is really high. My van has been in the body shop three times in the past 5 years (none my fault, one hit and run). Each time the repair was knocking on $1,000. Keep in mind that two of the three repairs required no parts - just reconditioning what was already there.

My take is that you aren't doing your daughter any favors by letting her get along like this - especially if she is going away to school soon. For that matter, this realization that she might be unprepared for life away from home might be causing stress as well.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> If I were constantly in the doghouse with my husband I'd be depressed.


Agree. But I don't think his attitude is necessarily focused on her. My take is that he is frustrated at the general situation - working hard and wasteful things happen, daughter going away to school, her level of stress, etc.


----------



## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

She sees that we budget and save. We tell her if she can't afford an evening out, she should not go. The problem is, we CAN afford stuff and we have a lot of savings, and she KNOWS this. My problem is, I can have the attitude of "well it's there, what's the problem" (within reason of course) whereas my Accountant Hubby can't stand to think he's earning his money and it's being frittered away. I can see both sides of it. 

As for me working, yes I have a part time job (16 hours a week) so I'm doing my bit 

We hope that it will all fall into place when she is at Uni with only a certain amount of money going into her account every week!! But we WILL sit down and talk to her about it before she goes. 

Teens, though, they have an answer for everything:scratchhead:


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I didn't mean to imply you weren't contributing to the household, just more along the lines of being stimulated/energized with work. 

Sounds like you're both in a bit of a funk and you need to be on each others team .....rather than feeling like you're in the dog-house. What could change that?


----------



## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

heartsbeating said:


> I didn't mean to imply you weren't contributing to the household, just more along the lines of being stimulated/energized with work.
> 
> Sounds like you're both in a bit of a funk and you need to be on each others team .....rather than feeling like you're in the dog-house. What could change that?


Stimulated and energized with work? I'm a glorified Pot Washer! I work in a Tea Room/Restaurant that seats over 100 people. Constant clearing and cleaning. Hardly Stimulating and energizing! But they are only 5 hour shifts. My colleagues are brilliant and we have lots of chats while we work, and I love to chat with the customers too. 

When I posted, I felt isolated from him and it happens a lot (he probably feels same with me) but we CAN be a team and lately it's been better again. We have this love/hate thing going. Maybe I just need to THINK before I say/do stuff.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

DameEdna said:


> My problem is, I can have the attitude of "well it's there, what's the problem" (within reason of course) whereas my Accountant Hubby can't stand to think he's earning his money and it's being frittered away. I can see both sides of it.


I am also an accounting guy (by disposition and trade), as well as the breadwinner, so I will share some insights. The problem may be your respective definitions of "within reason". Also, your comments could be seen as indifferent to financial concerns.

Note that one essential truth of our lives is that there are always more wants than resources to meet those wants. That is the whole premise of economics - the goal is to then determine the best way to allocate resources.

That being the case, you have to acknowledge that there are not enough funds to cover everything the family would like to have or use. Every dollar spent in one area (here, replacing breakage) is a dollar unavailable for other spending or saving for retirement (I imagine your hubby, regardless of how much he likes his job, does not want to grind away into his 70s).

The money "is there" because he earns it AND sacrifices then brings the best to his family. I seriously doubt he takes a big chunk off the top for himself and only gives the remainder. That realization may help you appreciate better his side of things.

It seems your husband does not see his family as respectful of the effort he puts into supporting them. Your daughter does little around the house and cannot support her discretionary spending even. Your son does not appear to do a whole lot. You work 2 days (16 hours) a week and get to the housework as you feel like it. From TAM-land, it appears your husband is the only adult working full-time to meet the family's needs.

The solution is to have to sit down with your husband and figure out what his long-term goals are. Also, assess his lifestyle vs. those of the rest of the family. Is there a hobby he would like to pursue but cannot due to money pressure? Can he treat himself significantly without fear of money problems or jealousy popping up?

Finally, two things. One, I would suggest that the family has made your husband primarily responsible for support. That being so, it is only fair that he take the lead in setting financial goals and guidelines. It's unfair that he brings home the money only to watch it all be spent against his wishes. Two, it might be a good idea for you to be more gainfully employed. Honestly, without small children at home, working 16 hours a week is not doing your bit. Show your husband that you support his decision making and are willing to work as hard as he does, and see if his attitude does not relax significantly.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I know exactly how you feel. Every day is the exact same. I have a 3 year old. 

Always cleaning the house and re-cleaning it all the time. No matter how much I do everyday, I will have to do the exact same thing the next day. I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning most days. 

I have no time to be sick. I have been getting frequent migraines again (once a week?).. I am under way to much stress. I have a bad back and some days it hurts like mad, I can barely move.. Things still get done, but I would love to have a freaking day off!!!


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Maybe that's exactly what is needed - a day off. I'd say majority of us could feel this way. It could be putting on a suit and heading to the same office every day. Getting home at the same time and doing the usual tasks that happen once home. 

Changing things up (might be something small during the day and being 'open' to something new), staying in the moment, and having gratitude are ways out of a funk.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

DameEdna said:


> Stimulated and energized with work? I'm a glorified Pot Washer! I work in a Tea Room/Restaurant that seats over 100 people. Constant clearing and cleaning. Hardly Stimulating and energizing! But they are only 5 hour shifts. My colleagues are brilliant and we have lots of chats while we work, and I love to chat with the customers too.


You love chatting and interacting with colleagues and customers. THAT is stimulating and energizing! .....everyone needs to feel needed. You're working in a busy tea room/restaurant where people go to share in various moments of their life. Catching up with friends, vacationing, have a time-out, maybe a celebration tea. The environment itself can be stimulating.


----------

