# Am I crazy for wanting an apology



## scott079

I have never posted on a forum about my marriage or divorce and honestly this will be my only thread as I am going back to therapy and trying very hard to move forward.

I have been divorced for about 1 year. Married and together 10 years, no kids. My Ex wife told me everything was fine for about 10 years, She had cancer at year 8 (hysterectomy) then she left for law enforcement training for 4 months, 900 miles away in year 10. I was insecure and paranoid she would change and leave me (never felt that way before). So one month in I visit, she cries in my arms and says I missed you/ love you etc. 2 months in I am still acting edgy and she is pulling away when I visit. That night she tells me she was not sure if she wanted to be with me anymore, said she was deeply unhappy for so long but did not know why or how she really felt until she got away. I asked if she was attracted to her male classmate she was close with, she said no. Left me in tears in a hotel room and went back to academy.

So like needy loser I check phone records and her chrome browser was linked between computer at home and her cell's browsing history showed up on home computer. Over the next month I see she called the OM three times the night she left me but said that she might have called someone to let them know she was going to back academy, she called him for 15 minutes the night she tells me she is thinking of leaving me. She deleted all her texts with him and only him.She then spends the next few weekends going to parties with him, motorcycle rides with him, universal studios with him. Then I see she is browsing for "matching couples tattoos", then she turns up with a new tattoo on FB. All the while our marriage is on the rocks. She then must have noticed the linked browsers as she disconnected the link. By now our phone conversations are mostly me begging and her telling me she is so unhappy or calling me selfish, that I neglected her and gave her the minimum amount of love.

She comes home from academy (I was not allowed to graduation), she tells me we are getting a divorce. Same conversation her phone gets a text, I ask who it was (still paranoid). She said it was a friend and she was of thinking of moving to Massena NY to work at a land border 300 miles away. Guess who else lives there? OM. The OM was engaged and supposed to get married after academy, that engagement ended the same month she tells me we are done. During separation ex texts me to say she cares and hopes I am ok about every 3 weeks. When I asked why she could not give me a chance she says she got tired of my neglect (she apologized for not communicating her unhappiness), also asks for signed papers, moving out stuff etc. When confronted she said the matching tattoo search was a joke between her and sister but that yes she got a matching tattoo with him.

Within a month of the finalized divorce she moves to upstate NY. Within 3-4 months I get a email asking for tax returns, find out she bought a house with him. So within a a year of telling me we are done she moves three hundred miles away to be with him and they are now official.

Sorry for the rant, I am trying to let it go (back in school, volunteering, dating (not seriously), and really trying), but life is harder money wise and just feel resentment. I also went into therapy when she told me she was unhappy, started reading marriage books and I fully admit I was not nearly as affectionate as I could have been, and we did have a boring marriage. Not sexless, no huge fights, not drugs/etc, and we did vacation 4 times per year, but week to week we spent too much time apart (my fault). 

Am I crazy for thinking she had an affair? I just want an apology and the truth, but I guess I will never get it. I want Their relationship to be unhappy but I want to feel indifferent more than anything.


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## Bananapeel

You're not crazy, she had an affair. That's why she wasn't happy with you and why she left.


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## Canada75

I went/going through something very similar and I felt/feel the same way as you. Resentment stood out to me...I know that feeling. Throw love, anger, loneliness in the mix and it's not a nice cocktail. I would love an apology too, but I really think it would just make things worse. There isn't much they can say or do to make up the emotional damage they have done while they are sitting happy in someone else's arms. You will work through it, it will just take time. 

I know the feeling, but what would it accomplish? It would only ease her guilt a bit and hurt you more, so don't ask for one. Since you have not posted on here before perhaps you don't know about the "180" 
https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
It is a tool to help you get on with things. Some use it in hopes of getting the other person back like I did for awhile but it is really for the person who was hurt. Give it a read, it may help.


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## aine

She is far ahead of the game than you, maybe even had this all lined up before she moved for her training. The best thing you can do is learn from this, become a better man, go to counselling, learn how to be in a marriage. What she did was awful becasue she did not give you a chance to make amends and fix the marriage.

IN the long run you are better off without her, she has shown you the kind of person she is. Move on and start you life, take time to heal though.

How old are you?


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## scott079

34 years old. I will not ask for an apology, I guess I just wanted to throw my story out there and I ask if I am off or if it seems like she had an affair? all my friends and family think so.


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## Emerging Buddhist

No, you are not crazy but you might be expecting too much... 

You are better letting go of all the grudges, drop the hot coal and walk away.


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## growing_weary

It's not crazy to want an apology. You might never get one, though.


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## GuyInColorado

Just never contact her again. You don't need an apology from her. You're a strong man who will survive and bounce back. Block her and him from facebook so you can't keep looking at them. MOVE ON to better things! So many women out there. Hit the gym hard 5x a week and eat/drink healthy. Time to work on you. You're still young and you'll find a girl that will make your ex wife look like child's play.


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## JohnA

The answer did she commint adultery is "duh". The hope for an apology "naive". The truth everything was fine/acceptable for 8 years until she had the surgery. That's a hard mountain to climb, one she could not succeed. She failed herself, her marriage and finally you in that order. It is very hard to own something's in life we did. Often it is easier to blame others, the circumstances and run away then face yourself in the mirror. 

The question is what is your future, own it.


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## chillymorn69

thank your lucky stars the skank is out of your life.

give your self time to grieve then circle the wagons and find someone worth while


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## Openminded

Yes, she had an affair. 

No, you're not getting an apology (cheaters don't like to acknowledge what they've done).


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## Marc878

You're only crazy if you didn't think she had an affair. A blind man could spot this a mike away.

Cut all and I mean all contact go completely dark and move on.

All cheaters lie, hide deny. You'll never get an apology and she won't be back.


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## Cooper

Yes she obviously had an affair and yes I can understand why you want the truth and an apology.

The crazy part would be ever thinking you will get the truth or an apology, and the more you think about it the crazier you will become. 

Do whatever you need to do to disconnect and move on with your life.


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## 3Xnocharm

I'm just not following why there is a question as to whether she had an affair?? How is any of what has been described here possibly NOT an affair?

You wont get an apology, she isnt sorry about what she has done, so it would only be her reciting some empty words to you anyway. Thank your lucky stars you dont share children with this woman, so she can be 100% OUT of your life. Block her at every communication outlet and dont look back.


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## Bremik

Seeing it as an affair is the easy part. The hard part for you is accepting she will never apologize. One of the ways people do those things is not seeing any of their actions as being wrong so therefore they have nothing to apologize for and are justified- in their mind.

Waiting or hoping for an apology will only hold you back so continue therapy and that should go away in time


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## scott079

Just curious, if these people believe their actions are justified, then why deny the affair ever happened? Even after the divorce? That is what is such a mind f***.

Also, I have heard of several people who ran off with their affair and seem happy and married to them, is this common? I know I shouldn't care.


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## Canada75

scott079 said:


> Just curious, if these people believe their actions are justified, then why deny the affair ever happened? Even after the divorce? That is what is such a mind f***.
> 
> Also, I have heard of several people who ran off with their affair and seem happy and married to them, is this common? I know I shouldn't care.


Yep, I don't understand it myself. It's like they are little kids hiding that they stole something. That is the problem I'm having now. My ex denies that there is someone else even though it is obvious looking at her past lies. Now I find out she is going off to Mexico on a trip. It dawned on me back in the winter she asked for her passport because she needed it for work to renew her security clearance. Now I understand why she needed it, to renew it because it expires soon and to book a trip. Not sure why it bugs me so much, I hate being made to feel stupid and that is all she has done since day one. I would of respected her more if she told me the truth from the beginning like an adult. It's just lie after lie. How does she sleep at night. Sorry for hijacking the thread but the above quote and just finding out about the trip set me off again. The pain and hurt that is caused by the women I love/loved? for 17 years is just beyond anything I could imagine she would ever do. Rant over, apology not wanted at this point. I want her to live with the guilt for a very long time!!


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## phillybeffandswiss

Last thing you want to do is travel the "why" road of infidelity unless you are going to reconcile. Even then, after all of the so called "success" stories I've read, none of them can really answer why. They'll give you reasons and those change like the directions of the wind.


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## jlg07

scott079 said:


> 34 years old. I will not ask for an apology, I guess I just wanted to throw my story out there and I ask if I am off or if it seems like she had an affair? all my friends and family think so.


Not only should you NOT ask for an apology, you should NOT talk to her AT ALL. Yes, she probably had an affair -- will you ever know for sure? Probably not. Doesn't matter -- with the way she acted, she doesn't deserve you and you owe her NOTHING. Wasn't your fault that she had an affair -- it was HERS 100%. You need to understand that she really wasn't the person you thought she was, she LIED to you outright and she has no morals for doing what she did. Put her behind you and go out and have a GREAT life.


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## JohnA

Again, your wife's actions are actually normal. It is a noble act to face the person and confess.


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## Pluto2

IN a perfect world adults would take responsibility for their actions.
But in a perfect world you would never feel the need to post your question on here.

Do you deserve an apology/explanation. Yes. of course. But do not expect it and find a way to move on without it.


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## honcho

scott079 said:


> Just curious, if these people believe their actions are justified, then why deny the affair ever happened? Even after the divorce? That is what is such a mind f***.
> 
> Also, I have heard of several people who ran off with their affair and seem happy and married to them, is this common? I know I shouldn't care.


They have an uncanny ability to deceive themselves and justify the actions they take. She will most likely always deny the affair and you will NEVER get any sort of apology. It's a control game for the ws. They withhold the truth and the bs always has questions which never get answered. Most of what she told you was blameshifting most likely because it has to be your fault, not hers.

The overwhelming majority of relationships that start out of affairs end badly. Some stay together and no you shouldn't care.


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## Ynot

scott079 said:


> Just curious, if these people believe their actions are justified, then why deny the affair ever happened? Even after the divorce? That is what is such a mind f***.
> 
> Also, I have heard of several people who ran off with their affair and seem happy and married to them, is this common? I know I shouldn't care.


OP, your story has many parallels to my own. My ex left after 24 years - all of the signs of an affair were there. I didn't see them. I have no idea if she did or to what extent. I denied them to my self and here as well. But she never explained her actions as a whole, and had an excuse for each individually. I will never know and all of the questions eat away at me if I allow them to. But as others have said, any person who could do this to you is not the right person for you. You are better off with them out of your life.
Focus on yourself. This is your opportunity. Learn the lessons to be learned from your past mistakes, but do not allow regret for the past to destroy your present and cloud your future.
FTR I struggle with these same issues three years later. When I feel the "what ifs" or "whys" coming on, I remind myself of all the positives that have come from her actions. Regardless of whether you know the truth about an affair (although it is pretty obvious she did), what you do know is the truth about her - she wasn't right for you, nor you for her (otherwise she would not have had the affair to begin with). Just accept the larger truth and live a great life.


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## Lostinthought61

In the end all you can do is live with the integrity that you're conscious is clean. That you lived a good life of faithful life and you were the best times when you could be. She on the other hand must wake up every day and in the back of her conscience must live with her potential transgressions knowing that the person she is now living with also created the same transgressions. They are starting their life not from a firm foundation, but one deceit. Nothing good can ever come from that in the long run. Your job is to find a sense of peace in life and in yourself, to move and leave the trash behind. Practice mindfulness.


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## Ynot

Lostinthought61 said:


> In the end all you can do is live with the integrity that you're conscious is clean. That you lived a good life of faithful life and you were the best times when you could be. She on the other hand must wake up every day and in the back of her conscience must live with her potential transgressions knowing that the person she is now living with also created the same transgressions. They are starting their life not from a firm foundation, but one deceit. Nothing good can ever come from that in the long run. Your job is to find a sense of peace in life and in yourself, to move and leave the trash behind. Practice mindfulness.


While that may be true, the reality is that you need to get to the point of complete indifference. While it is nice to imagine the walk away lives a life shaded in doubt and regret, you will never really know, nor should you care. Just as you will probably never get an explanation or an apology, you will probably never know if they regret their decisions. Even if they come to you later and tell you they had made a mistake. They have already destroyed the relationship they left in pursuit of their own happiness. At that time you will hopefully have moved on and be in a better place.


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## Ynot

Here is another thought I had while cutting MY grass. Even of she apologized and explained herself, would you even trust a single word she says? She has already betrayed your trust, so why would you consider trusting her again?


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