# Dealing with the cheater forever



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

My wife left our home to be with her lover, now she is my ex wife. She left in Nov. and we were divorced Feb. 4th. She has already introduced her boyfriend to our daughter (18 years old/lives with me) and said she plans on getting remarried in June. Great parenting skills!

Anyway my ex wants me to have a graduation party for my daughter here at the house because I have the room (and I would get to pay for everything!) I told her that would be fine but her boyfriend isn't invited. Of course she says that isn't fair and I need to get over it and accept the fact she has someone else in her life. Then she said maybe her parents would be willing to have it at their house, if they did I am just not sure I could go.

She just doesn't get it, I really do not miss her, I am happy she is gone. BUT, they were having an affair for at least the last year of our marriage and I can't bring myself to be civil to them. I hate liars, I hate people that betray trust! I have done a very good job of being civil to my ex but seeing them together would really piss me off. 

So how do you learn to deal with the cheating couple going foreward! Yea, I know, do it for the kids sake, but the kids shouldn't even be exposed to this so soon. 

Cooper


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Your house, your rules, stick to your guns. She no longer has any say so as to how you want to do things in your home. While it would be wise to be civil to this smuck while in the presence of your kids, outside of that your call. Neither of them deserve any respect from you.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Coop, Sounds like your daughter is going to hit the jackpot. Two parties. One with you and her friends, one at her grammas for the undesirables. I think more importantly, your daughter needs to see you take a stand. This is an object lesson for her. CHOICES HAVE CONSEQUENCES. Do not pay for the party at grammas. Pay for your party. I do not believe that this is petty in the least. Somethings cannot be swept under the rug. There may be a time for looking beyond this. But now is not it. This is an affront to your self esteem, and you don't have to take it.


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## tlee (Feb 26, 2009)

Cooper, I feel as you do. My son will be graduating next yr and I don't know how I would deal with a party, if my soon to be ex's sl*t is there. If I don't go then I look bad to the kids. The whole situation is ugly for everyone, especially the kids. Good luck!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Yea, her selfish behavior knows no bounds. This is a tuff one for me to deal with, I want to put my daughters happiness first, but at what price? If the party is at my ex inlaws (who I get along with very well) I would not have a problem helping to pay for it, I am just not sure I could attend and play nice. If I tell my daughter I wont attend how will that make her feel? How will that make me look? My daughter knows how strong my morals are, but she is still just a kid, would she really understand ? My ex has no moral compass, it wouldn't surprise me for her to announce her plans to marry at my daughters graduation party. I know you folks think that couldn't happen, but trust me, that is exactly how she is.

I am usually pretty good at figuring things out but I just do not know how to handle this!

Cooper


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Unfortunately there are times you just have to play nice when kids are involved. (as in going to the ex-in-laws, not have TOM to your house) So if you don't want to have 2 parties you may just have to bite the bullet. The upside is that you are "rising above" so to speak and not turning it into a battle of wills.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Maybe I am just over thinking this whole thing. I just know how my ex is, if she were a considerate person where I knew she would try and make things comfortable then I wouldn't worry about it. But she is very thoughtless when it comes to others, she always has to be the center of attention. She is very dramatic and fake. She would do nothing to buffer the kids, nothing to protect our neices and nephews. If anything she will be over the top trying to prove how happy she is, and somehow at some point she will focous the attention on herself, she just has to.

I am sure my in-laws would have the party at their house, but I hate to burden them. I am not sure what my ex will do if I have the party here and and she isn't allowed to bring her boyfriend. If she boycotts the party then do I look like the bad guy? Most people don't know the whole story behind our divorce. 

Is it right to speak with my daughter about this? I don't want her to feel guilt or pressure either way.

Thanks for the help,
Cooper


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Yes absolutely speak to your daughter. She is an adult now (well almost). She will appreciate you confiding in her, and explaining why you are so uncomfortable with this. I think your daughter will fully understand, and I don't think she would like your ex rubbing your nose in it either. Leave the decision up to her. Why? You may not want her in the middle. But guess what. She already is. It will be her party and she will be the host. Her guests should feel at ease and comfortable.

Or you could not have the party at your house. Go and have it somewhere else. Your girl has seen and experienced what you have gone through with your ex. I imagine she might even be protective of you in this situation. If you do end up going to the other party where your ex and the OM is, I am sure your daughter will observe just how cruel and thoughtless your ex is. It would be an object lesson for her on how she doesn't want her life to be, or how to treat those that love you. Just a couple of thoughts.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Here is where I am . I talked with my daughter for a little while and I just can't lay the party crap in her lap, she shouldn't have to suffer because of her mothers lack of character. She already has endured enough pain, I can't add more. I am all for teaching kids life lessons but this just seems to much. 

So I just sent the ex an e-mail and gave her the option, I will have the party here but her boyfriend is not invited. Or I told her she can talk to her folks about having it at their house and I would help pay for it. I told her regardless of where it is the right thing to do is for neither of us to have someone with us.

I think I worded it very politically correct so as not to tick her off but we will see.

Cooper


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Sounds good.


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

I think you did the right thing, Cooper.

I did have one extra thought that nobody mentioned...

If the in-laws host the party, (you can help pay for part of it if you want), perhaps some ground rules could bet set in which you leave at a certain time and they (your ex and TOM) do not attend until after that period of time when you are gone.

Just an idea....but personally, I think I would have done exactly as you have done, offered to hold the party, WITHOUT TOM. 

Good luck.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I like the split schedule idea, very logical and I think fair, thank you for the suggestion. Who knows, maybe she will surprise me and agree to something rational. I still havn't heard back from her. It's funny when we were married she was on the computer constantly, for hours at a time. Now I send her an e-mail and she wont get back for days, always says "I havn't been on/been to busy". Gee, I wonder what was so important back then, I'll give you three guesses and we wont count the last two!

Cooper


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Well I got my answer today. She said she will have a party at her parents house and I need to do "whatever the hell you want". Again she went on about how our breakup wasn't his fault and he is a huge part of her life now so I just need to accept it. I wont go into all the details of her e-mail but there is no sense trying to talk about the split schedule idea.

In her mind building a relationship with another person wasn't cheating because she had already decided to divorce me. The one time I asked about the other men before Tom she claimed to have needed to break the emotional attachment to me. He knew she was married, she knew he was with her good friend, so thats not cheating? Shame on me I guess .

So anyway thats done, but here I am feeling guilty, I feel like this is going to screw things up for my daughter. 

Cooper


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

Cooper -

You have done all you can. If this does indeed screw things up for your daughter, it's not your fault. She may be more resilient than you imagine. 

Put your guilt away and take your daughter out to dinner to celebrate or do something special with her on another night.....unless you feel like seeing those two selfish idiots at the party.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I'm sure my in-laws will call and invite me, but they will also understand why I wont attend. It just isn't right that she can't give up four hours away from her boyfriend for the sake of civility, her wants always come first. One of the things that make this hard is I am closer to her family than my own. I was always the white sheep of my family and have kept the kids away from my families bad influence. I will have a separate party but it will be very small, mostly friends. 
I have kept my feelings out of all this when I talk to the kids about things, and I will continue to do so. I do need to talk about this with my daughter, I guess I will just tell her that her mom and I have had a disagreement about some ground rules for the party and leave it at that. But this really does suck.

Cooper


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You can tell your daughter the sanitized version coop. But she'll know. And it won't be you she looks down on. Your ex's comments are as careless and thoughtless as the rest of her actions have been. I am going to be frank with you coop. I think it would be a completely unhealthy thing for you, to go to that party. With her fawning all over the man she cuckolded you with. Holding you up for ridicule, and you know that is exactly what it would be. She would make an effort to make him comfortable with your family at your expense. Telling them how wonderful he treats her to try and mainline the POS into being accepted. No sale. Take your daughter to a day spa. Go with her, get a massage,manicure and a facial (she will howl). Then both of you go shopping for some new clothes and go out to dinner. This could be a great time and memory for you both. You deserve it.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Hmmmm well I'm with you. She'd be welcome to come since she is your daughters mother but not the boyfriend. What does your daughter think? If she's uncomfortable with it, then theirs your answer its a no way. 

As for your ex I would tell her that she is pretty disrespectful and has disregard yours and your daughter's feelings. This is all too knew and afterall the boyfriend was someone she began dating while still married to you so tell her to be respectful, its not about her but about your daughter. This time, leave the boyfriend at home. Tell her its not about you, but about her daughter.


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