# Nearing end of difficult separation but he wants me back



## bwent (Oct 20, 2016)

Hi there,

I'm new here. I haven't been a part of a forum in quite a few years but I just needed a safe place to vent and talk, especially after something that happened last night. 

I'm nearing the 30 year old mark and a year ago I left my husband. Where I live, you need to be separated for a year before you can legally divorce unless you want it to go to court and that sort of thing.

See, my spouse and I were having a rocky couple years in our ten year relationship including not having sex for an entire year and things only worsened when he worked overseas for nine months. He of course had an affair as well slept with other women besides her. Not only did that happen though, once home he lied about it for months and even had the other woman to our home while I was housesitting for my parents.

When I first moved out, my spouse and I thought we could possibly reconcile things but after not getting the answers and actions I was looking for I gave up. He refused to delete the other woman on Facebook, while we were on a break, instead of working on us, he slept with another woman (his justification was that I was doing it too... well unlike him, I hadn't had sex in a year). He refused to see a counsellor with me. This when on for three and a half months. 

One day I was working and ran into a man, new to my town who I thought was nice and attractive and asked him to come out for a beer. I wound up in bed with him and realized, this entire thing with my husband was ridiculous. What was I doing waiting around for him for? I could be out making new connections and taking care of my needs! So I left him.

Since then he has blamed this other man for my leaving him permanently, interfered with what could have been a cool relationship, and has been begging me to return ever since. Before you say, I should have cut off contact, don't worry, I beat myself up about this all the time. My husband is an incredibly persuasive person, to the point that it almost feels like manipulation. He's also been my friend since I was 15 and we've kept things fairly friendly throughout our separation, despite all of the things that happened.

Flash forward to this week. I finally get the courage to order my paperwork for divorce and am now waiting for it to come in. He knows I am doing this. We go to supper to talk about this. He listens calmly and says he understands everything I am saying. I tell him I don't want to keep having to say no to him and that this will happen whether he likes it or not. He once again states his case for me giving our relationship another shot and tells me he knows all of the things in the past were his fault such as denying me sex and being emotionally distant from me and that he just wants to see a counsellor with me and try to work things out. I again say no and it starts feeling like things are settling down, he's finally clueing in! He then pulls out a ring and tells me that our first proposal was ****ty (which it was) and that he got me this ring to show how committed he is. 

I tried to give it back 4 times before he said, just hold onto for a day. Later last night he calls me and starts crying about wanting me back. And it just seems like no matter what, I can't give into him. I feel scared and like i developed a lot of independence while I moved out and although I feel bad and i know he has no one in his life, I don't feel like the onus should be on me to give him another chance if that's not what I want. But he's starting to wear me down so bad. I feel sick. I can barely function. I just feel this awful immense pressure and guilt for not giving in, all the time.

So there's a long story for you. I just don't know what to do. Please, go easy on me, stuff has been pretty hard the past little while.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

We know what he wants. What do you want?


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## bwent (Oct 20, 2016)

I thought I wanted the divorce, like my life had been better these days. But he wears me down to the point that I worry that my decision is wrong.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Manipulation. 

You know what you want. Do you fear hurting him?


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## bwent (Oct 20, 2016)

Yeah. I do. He had a lot of trauma in his past and I just don't want to be added to the list. He lost both parents to suicide, he grew up in an incredibly troubled home. I on the other hand had parents who are still together. I have siblings and friends who care very deeply about me. 

This dynamic plagued much of our marriage, which we had when we were very young. He kept himself closed off for much of it, developed inappropriate friendships with women, would say cruel things sometimes under the guise of just wanting the best for me, such as comments about my body (I'm a Canadian size 12, have been almost my entire adult life). 

Then in the other parts of our marriage we had rambunctious fun and went on great adventures and never fought outwardly, never yelled. But my boundaries were crossed over and over and over again. 

Now I am on my own, I am healthier, I used my time to move to a better position in my career, I have feelings for another man though I know he's staying away for now because of my issues (regardless he's a brilliant friend and wonderful friend with the patience of a saint). I know that my spouse believes he has improved and recognized much of these issues but he's yet to see a psychologist which he desperately needs and I just don't feel like I know him very well anymore. 

But I keep getting pulled to him and it's making me feel insane.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I am saying this gently, but the problem here lies in you.

He has shown you who he is. You are trying to sell yourself on his ability to change.

This also means you don't necessarily love him, but rather the idea of him. It also suggests you are codependent. I would suggest some reading on the subject.

As for him, if you can't love him for who he is, and accept his faults, you need to move on.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

It can be a back and forth game sometimes when one person decides they want out of the marriage. Seems like he has done some things and was checked out of the marriage. Now that you found someone, he found out and all of a sudden wants you back and is saying a lot about it. 

This has to be your own decision; not that he talked you into something or manipulated you. I understand the concern for his feelings etc. and you were with him a very long time. However-this has to be what you want. You said this yourself; that the onus is not on you and it isn't. I was in a similar situation with my STBX. He cheated on me and wanted out. When I moved away, then he wanted me back. He was still seeing women and told many lies during this time. I am so thankful I found out what was really going on. It took me a few years to figure out that he wasn't going to change no matter how I felt or what I did and we could not go back to the good old days of our marriage. Not saying this can't happen with you; but it seems that you need to start putting yourself first now and figure out what it is that you want. It is OK to do that. Put the guilt aside as you are not responsible for his life only your own.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

It's over. You found someone else. He will not change because he is just ALL talk; so stop listening. If you cannot handle talking to him, then you should steer away from having contact with him. Take him off your social media, your phone and YOUR life!

He is bringing you down with his manipulation and your weakness. This is not all on him. You are responsible for not detaching when you know you need to. 

Move on to a better place. The one you found when you separated. Don't go back to the hell you lived with this man. His issues were never your problem. You issues ARE! You need a therapist. Take care of YOU! You were doing well when you left him. Keep it that way.


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## bwent (Oct 20, 2016)

I was so prepared with my decision, I felt very cool and confident and then he just threw that ring in there and all the crying and stuff and it just so threw me right off. I've tried so hard to just stay on the path I set for myself and be strong. I wish I was better at being more firm and even a bit mean. My counsellor told me that I tend to try to fix and nurture people and in order to find happiness in a relationship, I need to find someone who basically doesn't need that. I need to find someone who is happy and independent.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Divorce.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You know how you feel, you want this over with and done. He is manipulating you, so it makes you think you are confused, but you're not. 

File and move forward.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm not sure what you're looking for here. 

You know that if you give him another chance, there's a very good possibility that you'll be back in the same place you were before. You'll reset all your hard work on healing yourself, not to mention the divorce clock. 

A serial cheater is not marriage material IMO. End of story.

It doesn't matter if was your friend since you were 15. No friend treats a spouse as your husband treated you. I think you need to leave the memories of your friendship where they belong, in the past. 

I suggest you try some counseling to learn to say no and mean it, without feeling guilty when it's not your due. You also need to learn about emotional blackmail and how to be resilient. 

Let him go. 
Go find your happiness and focus in your future.

Eta: about the ring, it's a THING. This is your life. A ring doesn't fix a broken person. He is not marriage material. It's just a desperate tactic, nothing more.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

bwent said:


> I thought I wanted the divorce, *like my life had been better these days*. But he wears me down to the point that I worry that my decision is wrong.


Read that over and over to yourself.



bwent said:


> Yeah. I do. He had a lot of trauma in his past and I just don't want to be added to the list. He lost both parents to suicide, he grew up in an incredibly troubled home. I on the other hand had parents who are still together. I have siblings and friends who care very deeply about me.
> 
> This dynamic plagued much of our marriage, which we had when we were very young. He kept himself closed off for much of it, developed inappropriate friendships with women, would say cruel things sometimes under the guise of just wanting the best for me, such as comments about my body (I'm a Canadian size 12, have been almost my entire adult life).
> 
> ...


You should be with someone who makes you a better person and not find that you are a better person because that someone is no longer in your life.

I understand the sympathy for him because of what he has gone through and the fact that you have come from a functional and stable family background but that doesn't commit you to become the target for his issues. You need to make the decision that is best for you and makes you happy, you only get one shot at life. He made the conscious decision to sleep around and cross your boundaries he gets to take the consequences.

When I was considering splitting up I went through a very similar time. Amongst other problems my XW had a lot of mood swings and I had been on the receiving end of the vast majority for no reason other than I was there. I just got to the point where I wasn't going to be that target any longer. I found that I looked forward to her not being there and loved it when we had time apart, that isn't how a relationship should be. 

I saw one meme that really struck a chord with me "If you want to know where your heart truly lies just follow your mind when it wanders". So when your mind wanders does it go to where you are now or back to being married to H?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

bwent said:


> I thought I wanted the divorce, like my life had been better these days. But he wears me down to the point that I worry that my decision is wrong.


Why worry? Worse case is you divorce him, regret it, and then you remarry.

It does not have to be a permanent decision. Your current marriage is dead. Finish with the divorce. If you have any hope to continue with him, it will have to be a new relationship and a new marriage. 

If you want to date him afterwards, you always have the option. I don't think you will, but you always could do that.

BTW: I agree that he is clearly manipulating you.


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## bwent (Oct 20, 2016)

Thanks guys. Because of the amount of manipulation that I've dealt with, I often go back to my friends or family to reassure me that this is what it is, manipulation and sometimes emotional abuse. But after last night I felt so burnt out and hurt that I just couldn't go to my friends or anyone this time. I've been working from home today because I feel like such a wreck. I just needed to reach out and get that confirmation once more that I am not crazy and that I just need to be strong.

I always thought that I would be the last person to fall into this sort of pattern with manipulation and emotional abuse. On the outside people really view me as this very strong person and someone who doesn't take crap. It's amazing what can happen behind closed doors though.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Stay strong. Don't let him hamper your resolve.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Your 30 years old at this point. He had 15 years to show you who he was/is....and he has. 

Life is too short to be unhappy or to settle for less than what you want. 

Take care of yourself, let yourself be happy.

Divorce


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Listen to your counselor. You're happier without him and his manipulation. 

Get the divorce. It's time to move on.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

bwent said:


> But my boundaries were crossed over and over and over again.


Read what you wrote. Read it again. Then read it again.

This man is not only incapable of respecting boundaries, he doesn't understand what boundaries are.

Don't let him manipulate you again.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

bwent said:


> Hi there,
> 
> I'm new here. I haven't been a part of a forum in quite a few years but I just needed a safe place to vent and talk, especially after something that happened last night.
> 
> ...


This man betrayed you not just once but many times, lied to you, refused to love you the way a husband ought to, interfered in another good relationship. He wants you back because he knows now he can't have you. Once you recommit to him, and he has you back in his snare, he will change, after a while you will be on the same road again. 
Divorce him and move on as fast as you can.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

bwent said:


> Yeah. I do. He had a lot of trauma in his past and I just don't want to be added to the list. He lost both parents to suicide, he grew up in an incredibly troubled home. I on the other hand had parents who are still together. I have siblings and friends who care very deeply about me.
> 
> This dynamic plagued much of our marriage, which we had when we were very young. He kept himself closed off for much of it, developed inappropriate friendships with women, would say cruel things sometimes under the guise of just wanting the best for me, such as comments about my body (I'm a Canadian size 12, have been almost my entire adult life).
> 
> ...



You know he is not healthy for you. You are still young, can marry a man who will love and support you and not manipulate you. Run fast!


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