# My Husbands Drinking is ruining our marriage. I'm fed up.



## resp123

I've read quite a few posts on this forum & have finally decided to post one myself. I hope to get some helpful responses. I'm at my wits end & I have noone to turn to or talk to.

My H & I have been together for 10 years. When we first met we went out to bars and clubs & drank & partied. Kind of the thing someone does at that age when your single & have no children. We had alot of fun together. He is a biker & I think at that time, that lifestyle attracted me. It was something different, & like I said, alot of fun.

Needless to say, I thought that as we got older we would both mature to the stage of not partying all the time anymore. I know I have. I am now 33 and have been out of the bar scene for about 4 years now. My husband still goes out every Thurs., Fri., Sat., & Sun. of every week. His drinking had gotten so bad that I told him 1 year ago that he needed to slow down or I was leaving. I didn't tell him he couldn't go out on these nights anymore-he's been doing it for years & goes to different drawings at the clubs, however, I requested he come home at a decent hour & not loaded all the time. If he can't do that-ok-I was leaving. Well, all went ok for about 6 months & now he's right back to doing it again. He can't have just a couple beers & come home. Once he starts drinking he can't stop. He doesn't come home until 2 or 3am & sees nothing wrong with it because he's "not cheating on me when he is out." He's got all of his friends making fun of me because I'm the evil wife that gets pissed off because he's out having a good time with his buddies all the time. Apparently he bad mouths me when he's out drinking. My own maid of honor in my wedding stabbed me in the back & took his side.

I guess the question I have is, am I wrong for wanting my husband home & out of the bars? Am I wrong for getting angry when he says he will be home early & even gives me a time & never follows through with it? I have had it. I can't live like this & am ready to run for the hills. We will never have a normal marriage or can't even begin to think about raising a family in this environment.

I don't like that the bar scene anymore & I even quit smoking & now he & all of his friends are against me & make fun of me for doing it. I can't change the person I've grown into & I don't want to. Perhaps we've just grown differnent ways?

Thanks everyone for listening. I don't even have my best friend to confide in anymore.


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## lala

Your husband sounds a lot like mine  He drinks everyday, especially Thursday - Sunday. He goes to the same bar every Thursday night to hang out with his buddies up there and won't come home til 2 or 3 in the morning when we've both got to get up early for work in the morning. Once he starts drinking he can't stop. He's addicting to partying. I keep telling him he needs to stop drinking so much #1 we can't afford that lifestyle. He's spending hundreds of dollars a week going out and drinking and he wonders why we cant afford to pay rent or the electric bill I'm like no **** that's because you go out 3 days a week every week and spend $200 at the damn bar! It drives me crazy but it's like he dosn't care...so I don't know what to do. He won't listen to a word I say. When I tell him to please slow down, or stay home with me tonight he will look at me like I'm crazy and just blow me off.  So, I don't know I'm kinda in the same boat as you.


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## Runs like Dog

_I guess the question I have is, am I wrong for wanting my husband home & out of the bars? Am I wrong for getting angry when he says he will be home early & even gives me a time & never follows through with it? I have had it. I can't live like this & am ready to run for the hills. We will never have a normal marriage or can't even begin to think about raising a family in this environment.

_Let me ask you a basic question. Are you the child of one or more alcoholics? Do have early memories of being abandoned or left alone for long stretches of time. One more question: what's your birth order (in relation to any of your siblings)


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## resp123

Runs like Dog said:


> _I guess the question I have is, am I wrong for wanting my husband home & out of the bars? Am I wrong for getting angry when he says he will be home early & even gives me a time & never follows through with it? I have had it. I can't live like this & am ready to run for the hills. We will never have a normal marriage or can't even begin to think about raising a family in this environment.
> 
> _Let me ask you a basic question. Are you the child of one or more alcoholics? Do have early memories of being abandoned or left alone for long stretches of time. One more question: what's your birth order (in relation to any of your siblings)


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## resp123

I am not the child of any alcoholics, there wasn't alcohol at all. I don't have any memories of being left alone, I don't remember being alone at all. I am an only child, my mom had a stroke when I was 8 months old & my grandparents raised me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily

To the OP, see if you can find local Alanon groups in your area and attend those meetings if you can. I'm sure it would be very helpful to you. You can't do anything about your husband and his drinking, but you can take care of you. its the first step in helping yourself become better aware of things.


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## Runs like Dog

resp123 said:


> I am not the child of any alcoholics, there wasn't alcohol at all. I don't have any memories of being left alone, I don't remember being alone at all. I am an only child, my mom had a stroke when I was 8 months old & my grandparents raised me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So what do you chalk up your passive acceptance of this to? If it's not learned behavior from your childhood, where did it come from? Drunks treat their families like dirt. They all do. And their families learn to coopt it and enable it. Or be afraid of it. 

But why are YOU tolerating it? What does your relationship give you in spite of all of this garbage? 10 years of pretty serious daily drinking? That's a breathtaking load of abuse to swallow - why do it?


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## AgentD

My husband is a recovering alcoholic. He has been in AA for 2 years now. I can tell you from experience, you can't change him, he will have to want to get help. That may or may not ever happen. Sometimes it takes something tragic or near tragic to happen in their life before they wake up and realize they need help. And sometimes that doesn't even work.

My suggestion to you is, take care of your self. Check out some Alanon support groups in your area. Get you the book Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie. There are some other books out there on codependency as well. I had no idea until I read some of those books that I was actually helping to enable his behavior. It really hit home for me. I even realized I was so "enmeshed" in his life, his drinking and his behavior that I had lost myself in the process trying to "rescue or help" him. In the end it will all come down to YOU having to take care of YOU. Its hard to sit back and watch someone you love and care about destroy themselves, that is why its so important for you to learn to take care of you. Hopefully he will wake up, but you can't always hold your breath that it will happen.


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## Maria9938

resp123,

I used to feel exactly like you until I found Al Anon. Then that's when everything started to make sense. 

We are still married. I've started practicing detachment and reclaiming myself. Especially after he told me to stop focusing on him so much. I must be doing a really good job because he's complaining about me not paying attention to him.

I told him that if he doesn't get help, then we aren't going to be together. He hasn't gotten help yet and he's still doing the same thing. 

I think its just a matter of time before we are done. I grew up in an alcoholic family. I don't want to be married to an alcoholic too.


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## resp123

Thanks to everyone who posted all of the helpful comments. Alanon seems like a good thing to try for myself. My H & I had a long talk the other day about his drinking & that I wasn't going to tolerate it, & he agreed with me, but that's nothing new because he always agrees with me, then goes right back out & does it again. I've threatened to leave before but never have & I think he thinks I'm just saying that.

He refuses to go to counseling, says he can control it on his own, which I know he can't. I love my husband. When times were good we were really good together, but the bad times far outweigh the good. I'm only 33 years old & I refuse to live the rest of my life this way. I want so much more out of life, & I'm afraid of waking up one day & regretting staying with someone like this. I wholeheartedly believe in trying everything to make a marriage work. That's why I've stayed this long. I've put alot of blood, sweat, & tears into this relationship & I've gotten nowhere. I simply am tired of the fight.

All of his friends tell him I'm the one that's wrong, but of course, they are all drinkers too. Some of my friends tell me to bite my tongue & live with it if I don't want to be alone, but they are married to alcoholics also & put up with it. I don't believe I'm wrong.

Anyhow, thanks again for the advice! We'll see what happens.


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## 4sure

You have no children. Run get out of there. Don't waste another year on this guy. He's not gonna change.


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## trey69

resp123 said:


> He refuses to go to counseling, says he can control it on his own, which I know he can't.
> 
> Yes, most alcoholics do think they can control it, so thats a pretty typical answer from him.
> 
> All of his friends tell him I'm the one that's wrong, but of course, they are all drinkers too.


Birds of a feather, flock together. 

I think attending some Alanon meetings would be great for you.


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## Engneer

resp123 said:


> I've read quite a few posts on this forum & have finally decided to post one myself. I hope to get some helpful responses. I'm at my wits end & I have noone to turn to or talk to.
> 
> My H & I have been together for 10 years. When we first met we went out to bars and clubs & drank & partied. Kind of the thing someone does at that age when your single & have no children. We had alot of fun together. He is a biker & I think at that time, that lifestyle attracted me. It was something different, & like I said, alot of fun.
> 
> Needless to say, I thought that as we got older we would both mature to the stage of not partying all the time anymore. I know I have. I am now 33 and have been out of the bar scene for about 4 years now. My husband still goes out every Thurs., Fri., Sat., & Sun. of every week. His drinking had gotten so bad that I told him 1 year ago that he needed to slow down or I was leaving. I didn't tell him he couldn't go out on these nights anymore-he's been doing it for years & goes to different drawings at the clubs, however, I requested he come home at a decent hour & not loaded all the time. If he can't do that-ok-I was leaving. Well, all went ok for about 6 months & now he's right back to doing it again. He can't have just a couple beers & come home. Once he starts drinking he can't stop. He doesn't come home until 2 or 3am & sees nothing wrong with it because he's "not cheating on me when he is out." He's got all of his friends making fun of me because I'm the evil wife that gets pissed off because he's out having a good time with his buddies all the time. Apparently he bad mouths me when he's out drinking. My own maid of honor in my wedding stabbed me in the back & took his side.
> 
> I guess the question I have is, am I wrong for wanting my husband home & out of the bars? Am I wrong for getting angry when he says he will be home early & even gives me a time & never follows through with it? I have had it. I can't live like this & am ready to run for the hills. We will never have a normal marriage or can't even begin to think about raising a family in this environment.
> 
> I don't like that the bar scene anymore & I even quit smoking & now he & all of his friends are against me & make fun of me for doing it. I can't change the person I've grown into & I don't want to. Perhaps we've just grown differnent ways?
> 
> Thanks everyone for listening. I don't even have my best friend to confide in anymore.


When you married your husband you stated that you guy's went out and had fun together and a big part of that was bars and drinking. Just because you have decided you don't want to live that way anymore doesn't mean he's going to feel the same way. 

Getting angry is always negative. The only reason you get angry is because you are trying to control him. You are still young. If this guy wants to live this life let him and decide if you want to stay or leave. 

Even if you do manage to nag and ***** him into changing temporarily, trust me, his true colors will eventually come out. 

YOU have to decide. Do you love him for who he is? If the answer is yes, then stay with him and love him. If not, get out now while you are young and find what you want.


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## Engneer

resp123 said:


> Thanks to everyone who posted all of the helpful comments. Alanon seems like a good thing to try for myself. My H & I had a long talk the other day about his drinking & that I wasn't going to tolerate it, & he agreed with me, but that's nothing new because he always agrees with me, then goes right back out & does it again. I've threatened to leave before but never have & I think he thinks I'm just saying that.
> 
> He refuses to go to counseling, says he can control it on his own, which I know he can't. I love my husband. When times were good we were really good together, but the bad times far outweigh the good. I'm only 33 years old & I refuse to live the rest of my life this way. I want so much more out of life, & I'm afraid of waking up one day & regretting staying with someone like this. I wholeheartedly believe in trying everything to make a marriage work. That's why I've stayed this long. I've put alot of blood, sweat, & tears into this relationship & I've gotten nowhere. I simply am tired of the fight.
> 
> All of his friends tell him I'm the one that's wrong, but of course, they are all drinkers too. Some of my friends tell me to bite my tongue & live with it if I don't want to be alone, but they are married to alcoholics also & put up with it. I don't believe I'm wrong.
> 
> Anyhow, thanks again for the advice! We'll see what happens.


I'm 45 years old and my wife and I have been married 20 years and we are going to end up divorced. We've spent the last 15 years trying to make this work and it's been an uphill battle the whole time.

You are still young and you need to do this for you. Decide if you love this man and if you want to build your life with him. If not, find the courage to make a decision and do what must be done. 

What I don't get is why the change. He's being the guy he's always been and you married him this way. You are the one that's changed.


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## ItHappenedToMe

Robin Williams was on Letterman last Friday, talking in part about his alcohol dependence. 

"When you start drinking, the bullsh*t hits the fan!" 

Someone drinking will tell you whatever you want to hear. Ever noticed how "I'm okay" is their first answer on how the drink is affecting them? No matter how drunk they are? 3 little syllables. 

They can't judge their condition - judgement is the first thing affected by alcohol!

Keep us posted!


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## stupad

Engneer said:


> What I don't get is why the change. He's being the guy he's always been and you married him this way. You are the one that's changed.


She's grown up, matured. He hasn't. And I don't mean for this to sound all haughty or condescending. This is what has changed - she wants to move into a different stage of her life that he doesn't seem ready for (whatever it may be). 

It's not wrong for her to want him to stop drinking to the extent that he is.

As my wife told me, "I deserve a husband at home, not drunk, 7 days a week. Not 6, not 5, not 2 or 3 nights passed out by 7pm. This is not too little to ask."

Harsh words . . . nothing for me to argue.

And he married her, not his drinking buddies.

Resp123 - I've posted a couple other things on here about my perspective on this (the drunken husband). If you want to read them and come back to me, please feel free to do so - PM or on the thread. I suspect he doesn't really know how his drinking is impacting you / him / your marriage. At least this was the case with me.


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## beutifuldreemer

My husband has been an alcoholic since he was nine years old, according to him. We've been married for 23years, and together for 25. My father was a major alcoholic, but was basicly absent from my childhood since the age of 6, so what does this say about me? I have major depression, I quit my career of 15 years, and now I'm completely dependent on him, he's become controlling, and I don't even have access to our bank account, HELP!!! I so need a way out!!!


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## Wife1

I feel your pain...set strong boundaries, and go to the bar also...he will get grumpy at first but say to him if he's not home in an hour you are going to go to bar also and sit there until he comes home...I did this to my alcoholic husband of 16 years and it has worked so far for me, instead of him spending hours at the pub, he will only be there for 1 hour max..blessings to you


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