# Sad if I stay, sad if I go



## isimile (Jan 31, 2009)

Of course it's a long story, but I'll try to sum up.

Married for 16 years, three young children (all under 5) and we don't talk. He's a good father and we agree on much of our parenting decisions. We don't fight. We just don't talk. He shows no interest in my work or my life. Nothing I say ever seems to interest him. He has no interests outside of our children and no desire to connect with other people. He has no friends except for his brothers. We go out on date nights and don't talk to each other.

I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who doesn't want to discuss anything. Yet at the same time, I can't imagine breaking up my family. My children love him dearly (of course) and he's great with them. How can I take them away from him? How could I leave them? And yet how can I stay? I cry nearly every day from loneliness.

I'm in individual counseling, which is not helpful. We're planning a weekend retreat in a few weeks. He's agreed to individual counseling as well, but neither of us is very hopeful.

Don't know what we can do. I feel trapped.


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## killerzoey (Jan 31, 2009)

Boy that's so hard. I don't know...I have a similar situation but my daughter "doesn't like him" (her words). And it's STILL hard breaking up a family. I can't imagine how anguishing the decision would be if he were a good dad. 

Were things ever good? Did you have something so much better at one time? If so, I'd say maybe there's hope to return to that. I hope the retreat helps. It is a really bitter prospect to live the rest of our years in such loneliness and (let's face it) boredom.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

maybe just trying staying with a friend or family member for a bit of space. if you feel so lonely - then this wil do u no harm and you may get out a bit more. 
keep busy as i know u would be with 3 children. but your really hurting and the only person that can sort you out is you.
he sounds very detached from you and its affecting you.
you want intimacy and love like the next person.
we have one life. 
why lead it in misery, sadness and loneliness.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

You don't say much about asking him to fix it or what his problem is...will he really not even respond to your questions? Is he depressed? Lonely and miserable himself? Or is that his idea of happiness? What about marriage counsling?


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## isimile (Jan 31, 2009)

raising5boyz said:


> You don't say much about asking him to fix it or what his problem is...will he really not even respond to your questions? Is he depressed? Lonely and miserable himself? Or is that his idea of happiness? What about marriage counsling?


He claims to be content. He doesn't seem depressed, just content. If I ask him what he thinks about Clinton being SecState, he will simply shrug. If I tell him about something at work, he will nod, grunt or say, "That's nice." If I ask his opinion about anything (from what to have for dinner to whether or not I should change jobs), he'll say, "Whatever you think is best." The only thing that will engage him is the subject of our children. 

Couples counseling is difficult because we have no one to watch the children during the day. 

He never saw that we had a problem and was surprised when I told him how unhappy I was a few months ago.


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## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

don't leave. this is curable. but counseling alone won't help...u basically have to teach your husband how to have a proper conversation...You have to be persistant, consistent and patient, it might take you a year or 2...

My sister used to be like that too maybe even worse because her only answer used to be "I don't know".

For example:

-what do you think about Hillary Clinton?
-I don't know
-What do you mean you don't know?
-I don't know
-You mean you don't know because you don't know her?
-I don't know
:scratchhead:

Anyway she never realised how bad she was until i started pointing it out and complaining and nagging a little too...I told her that world is cruel, that people probably talk and laugh behind her back...and that i was just trying to help her since she was my sister...so i started asking her for opinions even if i didn't need it and if i didn't get satisfactory answer i wouldn't give it a rest. I showed her how to properly answer and litle by little she started changing. Now she's best conversationalist and debater you will ever meet..she's very knowledgeable about almost everything: politics, finances, business, religion, world issues, relationships and she gives very sound, profound advices...she's now my CNN, if I need a quick news update and I don't have time to watch tv, i will give her a call and she will tell me all about it...She's also my BIBLE, anytime i need clarification, she's there to clarify for me and if she's not sure she goes and does some reasearch. For example yesterday she actually showed me a verse where it says that a man sleeping with another man is a sin...i was shocked that the bible had a verse like that, i didn't even know gayness existed at that time but most importantly i was shocked by her knowledge and interest

so you can see there's hope for your husband, it will just take a little work and time...


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## isimile (Jan 31, 2009)

T.O.girl said:


> don't leave. this is curable. but counseling alone won't help...u basically have to teach your husband how to have a proper conversation...You have to be persistant, consistent and patient, it might take you a year or 2...


Thanks for your feedback. I've been trying to teach him how to talk to me for about the last 5 years. 

He simply doesn't care. It's not that he'll say that he doesn't know about Clinton. He says that he doesn't care. And he doesn't. He doesn't care about Iraq, Obama, the financial crisis, etc. Threatening him with the poor opinion of the world doesn't work because he doesn't care about the opinion of the world. He claims that he can't understand my work (but that's not true - he's not dumb), when the reality is that he doesn't care. 

I appreciate the thoughts though. I suspect that if he's still not willing to change after the weekend retreat, then I will leave. It's just so lonely and unfulfilling to be with someone who doesn't care enough to have a conversation.


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## egirl (Feb 1, 2009)

isimile

Same situation here. Married 16 years, two kids under 6.
We never talk, seriously. All of our time is spent is separate rooms, either consciously or unconsciously. 

He is a decent man and pretty good with the kids. He never really engages with them, but he is not abusive in any way. He has no friends, at all. Pretty content in just playing games on the computer for hours on end. I am beginning to get very depressed, and believe me, that is not who I am. And no, I am not in love anymore. Havent been for a long time. Do you stay in a lifeless relationship because of the kids, or do you just grin and bare it ?

Respond back with how your weekend turns out. I be interested to know if it helps at all.


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## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

isimile said:


> Thanks for your feedback. I've been trying to teach him how to talk to me for about the last 5 years.





isimile said:


> He never saw that we had a problem and was surprised when I told him how unhappy I was a few months ago.


Bofore he never really thought it was a problem, so give him some time to start adjusting...but like you said you might need to leave for him to really take you seriously, but just don't divorce yet 



isimile said:


> He simply doesn't care. It's not that he'll say that he doesn't know about Clinton. He says that he doesn't care. And he doesn't. He doesn't care about Iraq, Obama, the financial crisis, etc. Threatening him with the poor opinion of the world doesn't work because he doesn't care about the opinion of the world. He claims that he can't understand my work (but that's not true - he's not dumb), when the reality is that he doesn't care.


that's the thing. these kind people are not dumb it's just that they don't give a damn...u have to teach him how to give a damn, how to care...especially if he cares about you staying...

By the way was he like this before or did he change? what did u guys used to talk about before the kids? when u were dating?...


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## isimile (Jan 31, 2009)

T.O.girl said:


> By the way was he like this before or did he change? what did u guys used to talk about before the kids? when u were dating?...


Before the kids we both drank. To be honest, I didn't care that he wasn't responding. When I got pregnant, I stop drinking and starting noticing that he never really responded to me.

Neither of us drink at all any more, but neither do we have anything to say.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My relationship with my H can get lonely, too. i have not been at it as long as you though. i might very well be in your shoes in about 13 years!

One thing i try is to have other relationships that are emotionally filling for me. I learned on here about emotional affairs, though, so i am careful about that. I try to make friends with just girls. And i am close to a couple people in my family, so that helps too. My oldest sister has a lot of the same interests as me and i love talking to her.

I try to connect with my h on other levels b/c talking is not our strong point. 

Maybe if you had a close group of friends, or just someone, your H's apathy wouldn't affect you so much? 

But at the same time, i can see why you wouldnt want to just get a bunch of good friends and live with an apathetic husband. maybe he does need a wake up call. it just seem so sad for the kids.


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