# I am tired and done with marriage!! Help!!



## tiredanddone

Hi all,
Obviously I'm new and need advice. I am tired and I am done. I want a divorce. I need help with HOW to tell my H I want a divorce. This news won't surprise him, but will make him very upset. I'm afraid he may become unstable and not sure how he will react. I also need advice on how to make the process the least financially draining and amicable. I do not want to cause either of us financial distress, nor am I looking to "rape" him of money or possessions. I just want this to be fair and amicable. 

We have been married 20 years and have 3 children ages 17, 15 and 10. I have considered how this will affect them. I think we are putting them through more emotional harm if we remain married. 

I fell out of love with this man years ago. Marriage was not what I thought it would be, nor has he turned out to be the person I need. We have been through some very tough situations in our marriage; multiple dealths and he has gone through job losses several times. When the deaths of family members occurred, he "checked out" and left me dealing with everything. When he went through job losses, again I was left to handle the financial issues and decisions to handle our situation. I am so tired of being married to this man. He is like another child to me. When he is gone for the night for work, I feel so relaxed and relieved. When he is around I feel tense and anxious. I CAN'T live this way anymore. Yes, I have reached the point where I am done. I know all too well that life is too short to endure unhappiness.

I have told him how I feel several times over the last 5-6 years and NOTHING has changed. I have always been the one to seek counseling and medication to "fix' myself, while he does nothing.

I am not willing to work on this anymore. As I said, I'm tired and drained of energy. So, please advise me from your personal experience with divorce, what may work best to make this a smooth transitiion. I am too tired to fight. I just want this burden to be gone. Please advise and thank you in advance!!


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## cosmicblu

Hello, Im in the same situation as well. Ive not found my answers either. Still waiting on more replies to mine below. my situation has periods of physical abuse as well though that adds to my reasons. even though he insists hes done with that, I feel it is too late for me and my feelings. Told him Im not in love with him anymore but during our most recent convo ive all but taken that back mostly because he was sitting there crying about all that he was loosing. Because I do love that man... but I just dont see him the same, have grown apart but keeping up the outward showing of emotions, but every time i do they way i really feel is in the back of my mind. I feel the same as you though, relief when he has to work like today on a saturday, or when he has to work later at nite. But anxious when hes here like i cant really relax. some of those things are also because of his temper and how easily he can snap about dumb things around here. I hope for quick answers for both of us! and your certainly not alone


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## golfergirl

cosmicblu said:


> Hello, Im in the same situation as well. Ive not found my answers either. Still waiting on more replies to mine below. my situation has periods of physical abuse as well though that adds to my reasons. even though he insists hes done with that, I feel it is too late for me and my feelings. Told him Im not in love with him anymore but during our most recent convo ive all but taken that back mostly because he was sitting there crying about all that he was loosing. Because I do love that man... but I just dont see him the same, have grown apart but keeping up the outward showing of emotions, but every time i do they way i really feel is in the back of my mind. I feel the same as you though, relief when he has to work like today on a saturday, or when he has to work later at nite. But anxious when hes here like i cant really relax. some of those things are also because of his temper and how easily he can snap about dumb things around here. I hope for quick answers for both of us! and your certainly not alone


Not an answer for you, but I know the feeling of enjoying time they are away. I describe it like being able to take a full deep breath. I feel like I shallow breathe when he's around. And I feel guilt. I'm doing the happy dance when he's gone and he's in tears when he leaves on business. Why do these crappy releationships bring them such 'happiness' for them and crap for us?
Can your talk be done in front of a counselor?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toughmommy

tiredanddone said:


> Hi all,
> Obviously I'm new and need advice. I am tired and I am done. I want a divorce. I need help with HOW to tell my H I want a divorce. This news won't surprise him, but will make him very upset. I'm afraid he may become unstable and not sure how he will react. I also need advice on how to make the process the least financially draining and amicable. I do not want to cause either of us financial distress, nor am I looking to "rape" him of money or possessions. I just want this to be fair and amicable.
> 
> We have been married 20 years and have 3 children ages 17, 15 and 10. I have considered how this will affect them. I think we are putting them through more emotional harm if we remain married.
> 
> I fell out of love with this man years ago. *Marriage was not what I thought it would be, nor has he turned out to be the person I need. We have been through some very tough situations in our marriage; multiple deaths and he has gone through job losses several times. When the deaths of family members occurred, he "checked out" and left me dealing with everything. When he went through job losses, again I was left to handle the financial issues and decisions to handle our situation. I am so tired of being married to this man. He is like another child to me. When he is gone for the night for work, I feel so relaxed and relieved. When he is around I feel tense and anxious. I CAN'T live this way anymore. Yes, I have reached the point where I am done. I know all too well that life is too short to endure unhappiness.*
> 
> 
> Are you me? I am living what you write above. I want out too. Did get him to go to marriage counseling but I don't think a marriage counselor can make someone grow up. I am so tired, drained and discouraged. If he did "change" I wouldn't trust it and just fear the next time a biggie happens when I need him to be left to take care of it all by myself yet again. I can't live the rest of my life like this either. I need to be married to a grown man capable of sharing responsibility with me not a child disguised in a man's body.


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## cosmicblu

golfergirl-- no he wont do counseling, doesnt believe in it so he certainly wont spend the $ on it..


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## golfergirl

cosmicblu said:


> golfergirl-- no he wont do counseling, doesnt believe in it so he certainly wont spend the $ on it..


I mean a one-time 3rd person when you drop the divorce word on him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tiredanddone

Thanks ladies for sharing. I'm not the only one? Wiow, what a relief to hear!!!
I think a one time counseling session to have someone mediate may be a good idea to break the news to him--he will not want this and will fight it. I "care" for him and do not want him to suffer. I am not in love with him anymore. I'm 41, 3 kids, starting my career and need to pluck this weed from my garden!! Weeds suck the life from you and that is what is happening here. I'm not paying for counseling, especially marital (which most insurance won't cover) He needs individual counseling, but refuses, so there you have it. He's not willing to make changes, so neither am I . This needs to be done. I need to hear from people that have gone through divorce for advice!!!


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## lovemybabies

OMG i read this to my mom and she asked if I posted it! you are sooooo not alone hon. I'm going to IC right now to get the strength to do this. I hope you get the answers, I'll be following this thread Big Hugs to you!


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## 2move_on

I know this post was made a long while back, really old post... but I'm very curious to the outcome of your situation. :scratchhead: Reading this post is very close to home. I can so relate. I hope all is well for you currently. Thanks for sharing!


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## wilderness

You have 3 kids and you are willing to casually hurt them like this? Do you have any idea how devestated they will be? (I think not, otherwise you wouldn't be talking like this)

Ever heard of the following:
until death do us part
for better or for worse

I think you should stay married.


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## caladan

wilderness said:


> You have 3 kids and you are willing to casually hurt them like this? Do you have any idea how devestated they will be? (I think not, otherwise you wouldn't be talking like this)
> 
> Ever heard of the following:
> until death do us part
> for better or for worse
> 
> I think you should stay married.


What if they made up their own vows?


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