# the little things my husband does



## fcc (Apr 13, 2010)

Hello ladies,

I need your help again. As some of you know, I live with my in laws. My husband tends to give them a lot of attention and involves them in everything we do. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. I do know it somewhat bugs me.

For example, he went on a trip for work yesterday, and is coming back today. He called me this morning that everything went well for work and that I should let his parents know as well. (weird i don't think they need to know...they can know wen he gets back anyway) I eventually made my way downstairs and before I could tell my in laws he had already called my father in law and told him as well. My FIL came downstairs and announced it to my MIL before i could say anything. Then they made me feel like I don't tell them anything and my H has to be the one to call and tell them.

MY PROBLEM: I feel like my h doesn't trust me to tell them. He had to call them so fast and tell them. I just feel like anything and everything that happens in our life is reported to them live. 

oh did I mention he only left yesterday and spoke to them on the phone yesterday after speaking with me and then spoke to them as soon as he was done work as well. its like he can't live without them knowing what is going on in our life. 

any opinion supportive or harsh is appreciated....thanks


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Sounds like cabin fever to me. He has a close relationship with his parents. He also likely have a close relationship with his kids and you. I wouldn't be surprised that he detected the displeasure in your voice for having to tell his parents. Like I said you probably are growing tired of living with them and everything having to do with them bugs you. Look at it this way, the first person he called with the news was you. You are first. Maybe get away from them for a weekend or something.


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## fcc (Apr 13, 2010)

I don't think a weekend will help...because its going to be the same as soon as we get back. I just think its wrong that we don't have any privacy in our life from them. I'm a very independant person and I like my space and to be able to make my decision on my own. Everytime something good or bad happens with us...the first thing he thinks of is telling his parents....

I feel like we need to learn to think for ourselves for a change and not keep running to them. I do believe in keeping them informed about us...i don't have a problem with that....but why does it have to be instant like little kids we have to run to them everytime and tell them everything...and jump for joy holding hands....(ok i'm exaggerating there)

Do other wives have this problem with their husbands too? or is it just me?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You have to have the 'talk' with him, about where his priorities are.


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## fcc (Apr 13, 2010)

yea but its not like i can tell him not to talk to his parents. Its upto him to understand that our family business should be kept b/w us.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It is NOT up to him to understand. It is up to you to explain to him that YOU are not happy, and you need a more balanced marriage.


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## Selfish? (Jul 2, 2010)

turnera said:


> It is NOT up to him to understand. It is up to you to explain to him that YOU are not happy, and you need a more balanced marriage.


Please know, for the last 20 years I have hoped my H would 'just understand' he still doesn't. I wish someone had told me year ago to TALK properly to him and explain my thoughts and feelings.

Explain it like you have here, 
....I do believe in keeping them informed about us...i don't have a problem with that....but why does it have to be instant like little kids we have to run to them everytime and tell them everything

good luck doll and please do have that talk! x


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## fcc (Apr 13, 2010)

aww thanks for the advise. I did have the talk and it got really heated, but my husband is a really sweet person and came around to understanding how I felt and we worked it out. 

Anyway, so we don't live with my in laws anymore...YAY...we moved because of our jobs not because of ILs. My life is so much happier as atleast I don't have to deal with them or see them or hear them. But I happened to see my hubby's phone today and there have been 4-8 calls to his mom everyday ever since we moved out...weird?? yes!!! why??? I don't know 

Explain this to me pls....and what can I do???


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

My sister is married to a mama's boy. Strange thing, he's a doctor (a surgeon, no less) and is highly accomplished, doing well in his practice, and apart from being annoyingly domineering, he's really a good guy. He just happens to call his mother about 4 times a day. We have all remarked that my sister looks and behaves almost exactly like his mom, and frankly I found it a little weird that he basically "married his mom," though given how incredibly attached he is to her I suppose none of us should be surprised.

Maybe what there is for you to do is to figure out why you are so bothered by his constant contact with his mom. What about this is threatening to you? Now that you have moved out and have more of his attention, why is this not enough? Please bear in mind that I'm not suggesting that it should be or has to be enough, but I think you might be well-served by looking a little deeper within to understand more clearly why his behavior threatens you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

As long as she is not influencing your lives, i.e., telling him what decisions to make, just accept it and be grateful that he doesn't hate her. I can't get my DH to even call or visit his mom and it just breaks my heart.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Are you more concerned with him sharing every little detail of your life with her or are you just upset that he is still calling so much?? Habits like that take some time to break. If it is the first one, then you just have to set boundaries. Hey, I love that you love your parents but I think we should keep some things just between us." Then list the things. Could at least put your mind at rest about whats being discussed


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## Chet8625 (Jul 13, 2010)

I think you need to explain a little more.

What is he discussing with your IL's? How work went? Get over it.

Finances? Marital issues? Strictly between you and him.

4-8 calls? maybe the line was busy, he got interrupted, etc...

Seriously, if he isn't spending time away from you and the kids and with them or discussing matters that are private with them, I think you are overreacting.


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Wow I had the same exact problems with my husband. He'd tell them everything and they required we tell them everything and discuss all our plans (in case SIL had to tag along). I ended up calling my MIL passport control or the customs lol because everything had to go through her (or FIL when it came to finances) first. 
My husband would even tell them we went shopping which was ok but then he'd try and force me to model the clothes I bought to his parents. Made me feel like I was 10. That really annoyed me and when I refused to do something I wasn't comfortable doing I was the bad guy. 
He'd tell them personal issues even those regarding my health. I don't think my UTI concerned them! And if I talked to him about it, my dumbass husband would just tell his parents whatever I told him regarding privacy which made me look even worse! So I ended up being the uptight cold DIL who did not want to share her life with anyone.

Good thing he did not discuss with them what lingerie to get me or how to screw me. :scratchhead:


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

P.S. if he tells them personal information regarding your relationship and life together then these are not "little things" he does. They're really big problems that could really affect your marriage, IMO (from personal experience).


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## fcc (Apr 13, 2010)

wow...that sounds like my husband cherrypie. He would tell me to show his mom everything we bought ever coz it would make her happy. I used to feel like a 10 year old too...oh and his mom complained to him one time too....that he buys stuff now and doesn't show them anymore....OMG!! 

Well since everyone asked for more info here it is: My H on our wedding night called his parents as we were having some xxx trouble. He was really just nervous and I told his we can sort through it ourself, but that wasn't enough so he went out where I couldn't hear him and called his dad to ask him for sex advice...errrrr....I wanted to kill myself on our wedding nite. We talked about it and now he realises that it wasn't rite for him to do that. 

He's gotten better as I keep pointing things out, but you can see the kind he is. He's too quick to jump to his parents for help all the time. In this process he ends up sharing too much with them. And they don't tell him thats TMI don't tell us that we don't wanna know. My parents would hang up on me if I talked to them about sex problems. 

Well this is just one of the many examples of what he does. Its very common for him to talk to his parents and then come lie to me that he never spoke to them about anything. I guess coz I would tell him not to ask for their help coz we should sort our own problems out.


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## fcc (Apr 13, 2010)

Bumpm. I really need some help on this stillm thanks



fcc said:


> wow...that sounds like my husband cherrypie. He would tell me to show his mom everything we bought ever coz it would make her happy. I used to feel like a 10 year old too...oh and his mom complained to him one time too....that he buys stuff now and doesn't show them anymore....OMG!!
> 
> Well since everyone asked for more info here it is: My H on our wedding night called his parents as we were having some xxx trouble. He was really just nervous and I told his we can sort through it ourself, but that wasn't enough so he went out where I couldn't hear him and called his dad to ask him for sex advice...errrrr....I wanted to kill myself on our wedding nite. We talked about it and now he realises that it wasn't rite for him to do that.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What are you expecting? That he won't be close to them any more? That he will stop calling them?


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## fcc (Apr 13, 2010)

yes stop calling 4-8 times a day. How about call me once in a while too while I'm at work??


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ask for a compromise. Tell him that you'll be happy and stop bringing them up, if he calls you every time he calls them.


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## jakeflop (Aug 2, 2010)

I see this is a forum for the ladies, and even though I am a guy I think I might be able to shed some light to this since I'm on the opposite side, and I've been / about to be in this situation again. If it's ok for me to throw out a few ideas, please let me know.


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## Kaitlin (Nov 10, 2010)

My husband and I lived with his parents for nine very long months, so I can sympathize. In the beginning, I moved in with them when my husband and I were dating, because things were pretty rough in my own home and we wanted to end the distance between us. Things were great at first, and I really loved his parents, but his teenage sister quickly turned into a monster--and even attacked me physically before our wedding--and his teenage brother moved back to their home state (Army family) and he was the only one who wasn't deteriorating. Then his eldest brother's crazy ******* girlfriend's jealousy got even worse, and she started lashing out at us both and trying to ruin the entire family. She's now smug and pregnant. It may seem that I am digressing, but this is only to illustrate that I really understand your frustration and feelings.

In my time living there, after the good gave way to the bad, I would get cabin fever REALLY bad. I would feel like if we didn't get out, do something, get away I would go crazy. My husband was very good about alleviating the pressure that built up over a long day with his family or cooped up in our room (I didn't find a job until about three months before we moved to WV). The job helped a great deal, because they were no longer the center of my world, and I had something outside of their dramas. My MIL considered me a friend, so I was constantly dragged into whatever was going on at the time.

My husband was pretty awesome throughout our transition of long-distance boyfriend and girlfriend, to living together (with his family), to marriage (and still living with his family) but there were some times I had to help him understand boundaries. You need to institute some of your own, or you'll always feel this way and nothing will change. He can, and should be, close to his family, but they don't need to be in your business or you (both of you) in theirs. I won't say the boundary thing didn't blow up in my face, but that was with my immature MIL who would go on about how we're such great friends. Then I told her how WE felt about somethings, and she ignored me for a week, and FIL pretty much threatened us with getting kicked out.

Fortunately we got jobs in my hometown, and will soon be moving into our own apartment. The renovations can't go fast enough! I know my post is a bit all over the place, but the base message is this: 

Your husband needs to recognize that you, together, need to be a united front. He needs to help set boundaries with your in-laws, and run interference for you when things get bad. He needs to recognize that you take precedence over his family, because you ARE his family and his wife. He needs to recognize that the living situation isn't easy for you, and get you out. The little weekend getaways my husband and I would take did wonders. Yes, it's true we came back to the same situation, but it alleviated the stress that built up over time, and gave us space and time to reconnect.


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