# I am Dead!



## DeadMan

Getting this out of my head


----------



## lenzi

DeadMan said:


> Things that she has done with him
> Kissed him
> He fingered her vagina
> He fingered her anus
> She gave him oral sex 2 times (I have recovered pictures that she took from her cellphione how stupid could she be?)
> Had anal sex with him once and the first time she they where not succsessful
> Went to see him on her days off


Don't know about you but that whole thing about seeing him on her days off would be a dealbreaker.


----------



## DeadMan

lenzi said:


> Don't know about you but that whole thing about seeing him on her days off would be a dealbreaker.


Yea I know I feel the same too. And about the many other things she has done to me with him. I am f-ing pissed. She cry's almost everyday. I flip out almost every day about this.


----------



## BetrayedDad

DeadMan said:


> There is a lot more to the story.


Please continue..... I'd like to see where this goes from here.


----------



## DeadMan

BetrayedDad said:


> Please continue..... I'd like to see where this goes from here.


Oh you better belive it. I will write and write everyday. All I talk about is that every single day. Think about it 24 hours a day!!!


----------



## richie33

You know what to do. You know you will never get those pictures and videos out of your head.


----------



## DeadMan

The affair lasted 3 Months ended after I busted her.


----------



## DeadMan

richie33 said:


> You know what to do. You know you will never get those pictures and videos out of your head.


 Hell no I am glad I recovered them. It made her confess. She would not have confessed that.


----------



## tainted

So this OM has naked photos of you and your wife. This is the one time i would advise against exposure. 

Does his wife know about the affair?


----------



## xakulax

DeadMan said:


> Hi all
> 
> 
> 
> Things that she has done with him
> Kissed him
> He fingered her vagina
> He fingered her anus
> She gave him oral sex 2 times (I have recovered pictures that she took from her cellphione *how stupid could she be?)*
> Had anal sex with him once and the first time she they where not succsessful
> *Went to see him on her days off*
> Went to see him after work.
> She sent him photos and short video clips of her nude and masterbating that she deleted (I recovered them from her cellphone)
> *She used me 2 times to take photos of us having sex to send it to him "because he wanted that"*.
> 
> .


op quick question was she still intimate with you will having the affair?

If so you should get checked for stds if she is stupid enough to do the what's said above in bold then it's likely she did not use protection


----------



## DeadMan

tainted said:


> So this OM has naked photos of you and your wife. This is the one time i would advise against exposure.
> 
> Does his wife know about the affair?


No his wife does not know. I wish I could find where helive at. My wife does not know where he lives exactly. He was very smart and protective for his family. My wife was not. She was so hooked on him.


----------



## Philat

BetrayedDad said:


> Please continue..... I'd like to see where this goes from here.


Me too.......................

ETA: Your W doesn't know where he lives.... How did they hook up?


----------



## 6301

DeadMan said:


> 2. I belive I would be setting my self up for it again for another affair.
> 
> 
> You just answered your own question. If your incapable of trusting her again then move on and divorce
> 
> Have you wondered what would have happened if you didn't catch her?
> 
> Ask her why she's so remorseful now. If it was me I would ask her how it felt to be a puppet with his finger up her ass.
> 
> Look. If your not going to be able to get over this then don't live a life where your always wondering what she's doing. That's a long life of torture
> 
> One more thing. She had a lot of balls sending this guy a intimate picture of you with your wife. That's inexcusable. Maybe she wants to be a closet porn star for him but you didn't. Goes to show you how much respect she has for you doesn't it?


----------



## BetrayedDad

DeadMan said:


> He fingered her vagina
> He fingered her anus


Well I'm just as much at a loss for words as you are.

Two in the pink AND one in the stink?!?

Well I'm sorry but if that's not a deal breaker then I don't know what is.....


----------



## DeadMan

xakulax said:


> op quick question was she still intimate with you will having the affair?


Check it out the sex has dropped that was one of my suspitions. I would ask her over and over "Are you seeing someone?" She would have sex with me sometime late at night ONLY because she has just come from seeing him and was all worked up in heat. I found that out.


----------



## Thorburn

*We both have a wonderful relationship we rarely fight.
*
It was all false. This is not a wonderful relationship, it is he*l.

*She feels like such a fool now and totally regrets it. *

Does she regret it? Or is she only showing sorrow for getting caught? There is a difference between remorse and being sorry for getting caught.

*The guy that she was having an affair with is married I found that out.*

If you have not done so already, expose this to his wife. Don't let your wife or him know that you are doing this. Put him up on cheaterville.com.


----------



## DeadMan

xakulax said:


> op quick question was she still intimate with you will having the affair?
> 
> If so you should get checked for stds if she is stupid enough to do the what's said above in bold then it's likely she did not use protection


In the oral photos there is NO condom! I asked her she said she did not use a condom orally. She said but anal he used a condom (I don't belive her.) Because I asked her to tell me step by step how did she get to that position? She never metioned the condom untill I said "What about the condom?" Then she said yes he did. I ask her over and over did he use a condom? STD testing is comming soon.


----------



## tainted

Lawyer up and see if you can prevent the OM from ever releasing those photos. 

Also get tested for STDs.


----------



## xakulax

DeadMan said:


> Check it out the sex has dropped that was one of my suspitions. I would ask her over and over "Are you seeing someone?" *She would have sex with me sometime late at night ONLY because she has just come from seeing him and was all worked up in heat.* I found that out.



op this is just my opinion RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

There are plenty of decent woman out there go find one


----------



## DeadMan

Philat said:


> Me too.......................
> 
> ETA: Your W doesn't know where he lives.... How did they hook up?


At the job but they have diffrent jobs.


----------



## Philat

BetrayedDad said:


> Well I'm just as much at a loss for words as you are.
> 
> Two in the pink AND one in the stink?!?
> 
> Well I'm sorry but if that's not a deal breaker then I don't know what is.....


See Lenzi's post above.


----------



## Thorburn

*Hell no I am glad I recovered them. It made her confess. She would not have confessed that. *

This is not remorse. She got caught, plain and simple. Has she only confessed to what you know?


*No his wife does not know. I wish I could find where helive at. My wife does not know where he lives exactly. He was very smart and protective for his family. My wife was not. She was so hooked on him.*

BULL. I will wager my 1970 Plymouth Barracuda (If I owned one), that she knows where he lives and knows about his family, etc.


----------



## nickgtg

DeadMan said:


> I don't know what to do.


I think you know what you need to do, now let's see if you can do it. I think after you tell his wife, you contact a lawyer and proceed with a divorce.


----------



## DeadMan

6301 said:


> DeadMan said:
> 
> 
> 
> 2. I belive I would be setting my self up for it again for another affair.
> 
> 
> You just answered your own question. If your incapable of trusting her again then move on and divorce
> 
> Have you wondered what would have happened if you didn't catch her?
> 
> Ask her why she's so remorseful now. If it was me I would ask her how it felt to be a puppet with his finger up her ass.
> 
> Look. If your not going to be able to get over this then don't live a life where your always wondering what she's doing. That's a long life of torture
> 
> One more thing. She had a lot of balls sending this guy a intimate picture of you with your wife. That's inexcusable. Maybe she wants to be a closet porn star for him but you didn't. Goes to show you how much respect she has for you doesn't it?
> 
> 
> 
> Yes I have wondred what would have happened and I think I know what would have happened.
> I do bashing daily she cries like a baby all the time.
> 
> She sen him the photos because she was so hooked on to him that she wanted to keep him and please him so he would staty with him. He told her he "ONLY" had a girlfriend. She she was trying to be the better girl by giving him everything he wanted.
Click to expand...


----------



## Thorburn

No condom. In affairs a condom is rarely used. She is trickle truthing you. This again is not remorse. She is lying and hiding. 

Stop raging. I did for months and it does not work. 

Start the 180.

Lawyer up.

STD's check.


----------



## anchorwatch

1) Get a yourself a PI, find his wife and nail his a$$. 

2) Get a yourself a counselor and get your a grip on the anger.

Here use this... 180 List


----------



## DeadMan

BetrayedDad said:


> Well I'm just as much at a loss for words as you are.
> 
> Two in the pink AND one in the stink?!?
> 
> Well I'm sorry but if that's not a deal breaker then I don't know what is.....


It is a deal breaker!!!


----------



## DeadMan

tainted said:


> Lawyer up and see if you can prevent the OM from ever releasing those photos.
> 
> Also get tested for STDs.


The OM has "deleted" the photos hes in deep sh--t with his job.


----------



## xakulax

DeadMan said:


> In the oral photos there is NO condom! I asked her she said she did not use a condom orally. She said but anal he used a condom (I don't belive her.) Because I asked her to tell me step by step how did she get to that position? She never metioned the condom untill I said "What about the condom?" Then she said yes he did. I ask her over and over did he use a condom? STD testing is comming soon.




90% of all affair are unprotected trust me she never used one and she would have continued that way tell either pregnancy or burning sensation. You should take everything she says with a grain of salt. 


lawyer up test up and RUN!!!!!!! 


PS Who the hell uses a condom during anal ???????????


----------



## DeadMan

Thorburn said:


> *We both have a wonderful relationship we rarely fight.
> *
> It was all false. This is not a wonderful relationship, it is he*l.
> 
> *She feels like such a fool now and totally regrets it. *
> 
> Does she regret it? Or is she only showing sorrow for getting caught? There is a difference between remorse and being sorry for getting caught.
> 
> *The guy that she was having an affair with is married I found that out.*
> 
> If you have not done so already, expose this to his wife. Don't let your wife or him know that you are doing this. Put him up on cheaterville.com.


I don't know where he exactly lives.


----------



## DeadMan

xakulax said:


> 90% of all affair are unprotected trust me she never used one and she would have continued that way tell either pregnancy or burning sensation. You should take everything she says with a grain of salt.
> 
> 
> lawyer up test up and RUN!!!!!!!
> 
> 
> PS Who the hell uses a condom during anal ???????????


This is what I am talking about all the time to her. I know she did not use a condom for anal it is very difficalt to get it in with a condom on.


----------



## nickgtg

anchorwatch said:


> 1) Get a yourself a PI, find his wife *and nail his a$$.*
> 
> 2) Get a yourself a counselor and get your a grip on the anger.
> 
> Here use this... 180 List


Oh the irony.


----------



## DeadMan

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Lawyer!!!


Yea I am just about there.


----------



## anchorwatch

Did you expose them at work?


----------



## Philat

DeadMan said:


> This is what I am talking about all the time to her. I know she did not use a condom for anal *it is very difficalt to get it in with a condom on.*


It is?


----------



## DeadMan

nickgtg said:


> Oh the irony.


The PI sounds great!


----------



## DeadMan

Philat said:


> It is?


I tried it.


----------



## Thorburn

DeadMan said:


> I don't know where he exactly lives.


If you don't already have it:

1. Ask your wife for all the phone numbers she called or texted, etc. Be nice but firm when you ask her.
2. Ask her what emails he used.
3. Ask her where he works, what he does at work and who his supervisor is.
4. Ask her his name, his wife's name and see what she says. I don't believe for a minute that she did not know he was married.
5. Get all the phone records you can from her phone bill. It may show the locations of where she was at.
6. Ask her what color, make and model car he drove.


----------



## Philat

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Who the hell does anal with a stranger..must have a pencil..if you catch my meaning....
> For gods sake....how did he know she was clean?... Poop all over his ****?.. Come on!


Fleet's?


----------



## DeadMan

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Who the hell does anal with a stranger..must have a pencil..if you catch my meaning....
> For gods sake....how did he know she was clean?... Poop all over his ****?.. Come on!


She told me she had a small penis. She did anal with him "Because that is what he wanted." She was mainly wanting to di it analy with her.


----------



## Philat

DeadMan said:


> I tried it.


Lubed condom? OK, if you say so...


----------



## DeadMan

anchorwatch said:


> Did you expose them at work?


No only only one photo of the guy for IDing him.


----------



## johnAdams

Do you normally have anal with her? This seems strange with a new partner. It is all crap, but, I am sure you will get to the end. This is really dirty pool she is dealing you. Hopefully, you expose them to his wife.


----------



## DeadMan

Philat said:


> Lubed condom? OK, if you say so...


Not easy at all to get in. She tells me that the first time they attemted it that is why they where unsuccessful. he was having truoble. So makes me think then why was he sucessfull the secound time?????


----------



## DeadMan

johnAdams said:


> Do you normally have anal with her? This seems strange with a new partner. It is all crap, but, I am sure you will get to the end. This is really dirty pool she is dealing you. Hopefully, you expose them to his wife.


In the 11 1/2 years we have done anal ONLY!!! 2 times she does not like it there at all!!! That's is why I am HEATED!!!


----------



## Philat

DeadMan said:


> In the 11 1/2 years we have done anal ONLY!!! 2 times she does not like it there at all!!! That's is why I am HEATED!!!


You're probably a lot bigger than the pencil-d**k POS.


----------



## nickgtg

Cheaters really think the spouse has an IQ of around 50 it seems. The stuff they say and expect us to believe is beyond ridiculous at times.


----------



## johnAdams

That is strange she would allow anal. If the a-hole is not sacred what is? Oral and vaginal is common, but, you would think you could keep one thing sacred.


----------



## Thorburn

johnAdams said:


> Do you normally have anal with her? This seems strange with a new partner. It is all crap, but, I am sure you will get to the end. This is really dirty pool she is dealing you. Hopefully, you expose them to his wife.


Actually there is plenty of data available that folks involved in affairs do things with their partner that they typically don't do with their spouse. 

I would not believe her about the size. Mine lied.


If you ask woman about anal it seems that 1 in 5 love it. 1 in 5 hate it. 1 in 5 can tolerate it. 1 in 5 says it is too painful and I forget the other one.

Don't want to dwell on this. 

She is lying. Lies, lies, lies and more lies.

You can only believe what you find out, not anything she says.


----------



## xakulax

Trickle truth op this what you will be going through for the next few months if not years.My advice if you want the full complete story of this mess I would ask her to leave for how long is up to you but tell her you need some space to collect your thoughts and say it would easier for your peace of mind if she told you the full story and stop the BS. 



Just my 2 cents


----------



## DeadMan

Thorburn said:


> If you don't already have it:
> 
> 1. Ask your wife for all the phone numbers she called or texted, etc. Be nice but firm when you ask her.
> 2. Ask her what emails he used.
> 3. Ask her where he works, what he does at work and who his supervisor is.
> 4. Ask her his name, his wife's name and see what she says. I don't believe for a minute that she did not know he was married.
> 5. Get all the phone records you can from her phone bill. It may show the locations of where she was at.
> 6. Ask her what color, make and model car he drove.


1. she mainly emailed him using a gmail BUT she permenatly deleted all the emails after reading them I have ALL paswords to all of her accounts now.

I know where he works. I went to his job.

I know his name. At the begining she lied about everything! He took the train to work. She was the bimbo driving him around our new car.


----------



## anchorwatch

You're ripping mad she put out to someone, but...No exposure yet. No lawyer yet. No counselor yet. You sound like the kind of guy that would have gotten a piece of him by now. Odd!


----------



## DeadMan

xakulax said:


> Trickle truth op this what you will be going through for the next few months if not years.My advice if you want the full complete story of this mess I would ask her to leave for how long is up to you but tell you need some space to collect your thoughts and say it would easier for your peace of mind if she told you the full story and stop the BS.
> 
> 
> 
> Just my 2 cents


She lied about every single thing. She only tells the truth when I have her cornred.She left for a day here and there but with the kids and work it is difficult for me.


----------



## DeadMan

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Well let me tell you...you should be flattered because yours must be a lot bigger than his if she could do him in her butt but not you. Hell yeah you should be pissed for crikey sake..your wife is a total slvt! Do not pass go ...go straight to a lawyer and divorce her and ask for full custody of your children. Did she do this in your bed for heavens sake?


She calls her self that. Not in the bed.


----------



## Thorburn

DeadMan said:


> In the 11 1/2 years we have done anal ONLY!!! 2 times she does not like it there at all!!! That's is why I am HEATED!!!


Many of us have learned that our spouse did thing with their affair partner that they did not do with us. It is a hard pill to swallow, but it has to do with the fantasy, the unfettered excitement, and I could go on and on. 

You are not the first guy to get p*ssed about what you have learned. It goes with the emotional roller coaster.

Right now, it is not really about what she did, IT HAS TO DO WITH, "WHAT IS YOUR PLAN NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID?"


----------



## BashfulB

I agree with Thorburn. She is lying about everything and saying everything she thinks you want to hear. She had nasty sex with him because she is nasty. Face it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

Philat said:


> You're probably a lot bigger than the pencil-d**k POS.


She says I am bigger. In the photo it looks that way. But big one small one it was in there aaagghhh.


----------



## DeadMan

BashfulBull said:


> I agree with Thorburn. She is lying about everything and saying everything she thinks you want to hear. She had nasty sex with him because she is nasty. Face it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I know she is nasty and disgusting. She has called her self every name in the book. Her parents are ashamed at her.


----------



## nickgtg

I agree Deadman, who cares what size he is, he had sex with your wife. I doubt knowing your possibly bigger than him matters at all.


----------



## xakulax

DeadMan said:


> 1. she mainly emailed him using a gmail BUT she permenatly deleted all the emails after reading them I have ALL paswords to all of her accounts now.
> 
> I know where he works. I went to his job.
> 
> I know his name. At the begining she lied about everything! He took the train to work. She was the *bimbo driving him around our new car*.


She drove him around in your car!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I guess she never heard of secrecy 


Op this FUBAR


----------



## DeadMan

Thorburn said:


> Many of us have learned that our spouse did thing with their affair partner that they did not do with us. It is a hard pill to swallow, but it has to do with the fantasy, the unfettered excitement, and I could go on and on.
> 
> You are not the first guy to get p*ssed about what you have learned. It goes with the emotional roller coaster.
> 
> Right now, it is not really about what she did, IT HAS TO DO WITH, "WHAT IS YOUR PLAN NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID?"


I am out for plains I am exhusted! I don't really know what to do. She says she will do anything I say. Conselling etc..


----------



## DeadMan

xakulax said:


> She drove him around in your car!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> I guess she never heard of secrecy
> 
> 
> Op this FUBAR


She did not think she was going to get caught because I had the kids and would not run out the house to check up on her.


----------



## nickgtg

DeadMan said:


> I am out for plains I am exhusted! I don't really know what to do. *She says she will do anything I say. Conselling etc*..


How about packing up and living somewhere else? Counselling only works for people that are truly remorseful, not someone who only admits to the truth when caught lying.


----------



## DeadMan

nickgtg said:


> I agree Deadman, who cares what size he is, he had sex with your wife. I doubt knowing your possibly bigger than him matters at all.


it does not matter I am totally disgusted.


----------



## adriana

deadman said:


> hi all
> 
> i been married for 11 and 1/2 years we have 2 kids 9-1. We have just purchased a new home back in july and 5 weeks after w bought the home she starts having an affair. Caught my wife having an affair back on december 7th. Oh my god i am going thru hell. I secretly recorded her that's how i found out she was having an affair. It is not ongoing when she count caught the guy told her good bye. She feels like such a fool now and totally regrets it. Good for her f-ing ass. So its not ongoing. We both have a wonderful relationship we rarely fight. I am 40 she is 33.
> 
> Things that she has done with him
> kissed him
> he fingered her vagina
> he fingered her anus
> she gave him oral sex 2 times (i have recovered pictures that she took from her cellphione how stupid could she be?)
> had anal sex with him once and the first time she they where not succsessful
> went to see him on her days off
> went to see him after work.
> She sent him photos and short video clips of her nude and masterbating that she deleted (i recovered them from her cellphone)
> she used me 2 times to take photos of us having sex to send it to him "because he wanted that".
> 
> She is totally remorse full. She calls herself every name in the book. The guy that she was having an affair with is married i found that out. He told he just had a girl friend. There is a lot more to the story.
> 
> 1. I am in limbo with her i don't want to continue with her most of the time because i feel i can't live with this.
> 
> 2. I belive i would be setting my self up for it again for another affair.
> 
> I don't know what to do.


----------



## DeadMan

nickgtg said:


> How about packing up and living somewhere else? Counselling only works for people that are truly remorseful, not someone who only admits to the truth when caught lying.


I am not packing. She has to get the hell out. Your right about being remorseful.


----------



## DeadMan

adriana said:


> View attachment 18306


I have done that several times allreay!!!


----------



## Thorburn

DeadMan said:


> She lied about every single thing. She only tells the truth when I have her cornred.She left for a day here and there but with the kids and work it is difficult for me.


Deadman, listen for a moment.

1. You are emotional and this is normal.
2. Try to get your anger and rage under control. No more cornering her.
3. Remember, she is not remorseful. The more you write the more we see this. 
4. She is lying and will continue to lie. She only tells you the truth when you have her cornered. No!!! Almost everytime she moves her lips she is lying.
5. Berating her will not get the truth from her. I tried it. I got some but not most of it. Yelling, screaming, threatening, etc. may seem the way to go (I did), but it does not get the truth out of them.
6. Look over the 180. It has been posted for you. Put it into practice. 
7. Talk to your wife only about finances and the children.
8. Again, try to turn off your anger and don't let the kids see it. 
9. Lawyer up, and keep quite about it.
10. get your finances in order.
11. Don't share your thoughts about divorce or anything else with your wife.
12. Don't be mean to her. Be civil.
13. Get to the point of detachment.


----------



## nickgtg

DeadMan said:


> I am not packing. She has to get the hell out. Your right about being remorseful.


That's what I meant. You said she was willing to do anything, I suggested telling her to move out.


----------



## DeadMan

johnAdams said:


> That is strange she would allow anal. If the a-hole is not sacred what is? Oral and vaginal is common, but, you would think you could keep one thing sacred.


Where she told me I was like geeezzz oh man.


----------



## DeadMan

nickgtg said:


> That's what I meant. You said she was willing to do anything, I suggested telling her to move out.


Its tough. She begs and wines crys.


----------



## Thorburn

Additionally, legally you can't kick her out. You can ask her to leave, but please don't do anything that you will regret, like throwing her stuff out.

During this time, write down some of the good advice you have received and develop a plan from our posts. Some of my stuff is good some isn't.

I did this after I found out. I listened to the posters here on TAM and I weeded out what I thought would work and what wouldn't. I made some dumb decisions. I would start with these:

1. Get tested for STD's.
2. Talk to an attorney.
3. Start the 180.
4. No marriage counseling. If you need IC fine, but she is not ready for MC.


----------



## bandit.45

Whatever you do, do not have sex with her! At least not until the STD tests come back, and even then only after she has shown true remorse and a willingness to work on her issues. 

But even at that, you will never desire her the same way again. She is tainted and spoiled. I just do not see how you could ever enjoy sex with her again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

Thorburn said:


> Deadman, listen for a moment.
> 
> 1. You are emotional and this is normal.
> 2. Try to get your anger and rage under control. No more cornering her.
> 3. Remember, she is not remorseful. The more you write the more we see this.
> 4. She is lying and will continue to lie. She only tells you the truth when you have her cornered. No!!! Almost everytime she moves her lips she is lying.
> 5. Berating her will not get the truth from her. I tried it. I got some but not most of it. Yelling, screaming, threatening, etc. may seem the way to go (I did), but it does not get the truth out of them.
> 6. Look over the 180. It has been posted for you. Put it into practice.
> 7. Talk to your wife only about finances and the children.
> 8. Again, try to turn off your anger and don't let the kids see it.
> 9. Lawyer up, and keep quite about it.
> 10. get your finances in order.
> 11. Don't share your thoughts about divorce or anything else with your wife.
> 12. Don't be mean to her. Be civil.
> 13. Get to the point of detachment.


I am going to check out the 180


----------



## EI

xakulax said:


> She drove him around in your car!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> I guess she never heard of secrecy
> 
> 
> Op this FUBAR



Now, THAT's a deal breaker, right there!


----------



## DeadMan

bandit.45 said:


> Whatever you do, do not have sex with her! At least not until the STD tests come back, and even then only after she has shown true remorse and a willingness to work on her issues.
> 
> But even at that, you will never desire her the same way again. She is tainted and spoiled. I just do not see how you could ever enjoy sex with her again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is tainted and spoiled that is the way I see her. She destroyed my life.


----------



## xakulax

DeadMan said:


> Its tough. She begs and wines cry's.



That's what earphone are for OP.


----------



## DeadMan

EI said:


> Now, THAT's a deal breaker, right there!


I told her all the deal breker I counted 190 things (wrote down) she had done wrong!!!


----------



## Wolf1974

I agree with most of what is said here. You need to immediately protect your money in case she empties all your accounts. Call a lawyer before she does for protection. 


So sorry this is happening to you. This is like a play by play of my life three years ago. Stay strong. You deserve better


----------



## Wolfman1968

DeadMan said:


> 1. she mainly emailed him using a gmail BUT she permenatly deleted all the emails after reading them I have ALL paswords to all of her accounts now.



All accounts that you know about.

Don't underestimate cheaters.


----------



## DeadMan

Thorburn said:


> Additionally, legally you can't kick her out. You can ask her to leave, but please don't do anything that you will regret, like throwing her stuff out.
> 
> During this time, write down some of the good advice you have received and develop a plan from our posts. Some of my stuff is good some isn't.
> 
> I did this after I found out. I listened to the posters here on TAM and I weeded out what I thought would work and what wouldn't. I made some dumb decisions. I would start with these:
> 
> 1. Get tested for STD's.
> 2. Talk to an attorney.
> 3. Start the 180.
> 4. No marriage counseling. If you need IC fine, but she is not ready for MC.


Ok I am going to try and do that.


----------



## DeadMan

Wolfman1968 said:


> All accounts that you know about.
> 
> Don't underestimate cheaters.


Your right!


----------



## DeadMan

Wolf1974 said:


> I agree with most of what is said here. You need to immediately protect your money in case she empties all your accounts. Call a lawyer before she does for protection.
> 
> 
> So sorry this is happening to you. This is like a play by play of my life three years ago. Stay strong. You deserve better


I am destroyd and waisted!


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

Mrs. John Adams said:


> The 180 is if you want to reconcile....do you want to reconcile or divorce her sorry ass?


No. It's for taking care of yourself. The 180 is probably more effective when divorcing so that you don't get manipulated into doing something you don't want to. Also, it's great for getting piece of mind. If it helps bring about an R, it's a side effect.


----------



## Thorburn

DeadMan said:


> She is tainted and spoiled that is the way I see her. She destroyed my life.


You feel like crap right now and you will for a while. This is 100% her fault. You need to focus on yourself and the kids. Get control of yourself, you can't control her. Look at the 180 and put it into practice. The 180 is for you (Not her). It will give you something to focus on and something to work towards.

You are going to be on a roller coaster ride for a while. Get rest, eat and exercise. Spend time with the kids. Give them special love and attention.

And by the way, you are not dead, your marriage may be dead but you aren't. YOu are going to make it, but for the time being it will be a great big s*ck.


----------



## Thorburn

DeadMan said:


> I am destroyd and waisted!


DM, You only feel this way. Most of us have been there. You have your kids. When you start the 180 you will start to come out of these feelings. 

No drinking. No drugs unless prescribed by a doctor and some will help.

DM, make sure you get rest.


----------



## xakulax

OP what she is doing is no remorse its shame, shame because she got caught cheating on her husband with a guy who dropped her ass the minute thing get complicated and is probably setting up victim number 2 telling everybody how she come on to him..... Op I know you're getting a ton of good advice here but just do one thing for me please cover your a$$ and your a$$ets don't let her try to rewrite history and make this your fault..... that come next after the begging and crying.


----------



## DeadMan

Thorburn said:


> Actually there is plenty of data available that folks involved in affairs do things with their partner that they typically don't do with their spouse.
> 
> I would not believe her about the size. Mine lied.
> 
> 
> If you ask woman about anal it seems that 1 in 5 love it. 1 in 5 hate it. 1 in 5 can tolerate it. 1 in 5 says it is too painful and I forget the other one.
> 
> Don't want to dwell on this.
> 
> She is lying. Lies, lies, lies and more lies.
> 
> You can only believe what you find out, not anything she says.


Yes I only believe what I find out.


----------



## DeadMan

xakulax said:


> OP what she is doing is no remorse its shame, shame because she got caught cheating on her husband with a guy who dropped her ass the minute thing get complicated and is probably setting up victim number 2 telling everybody how she come on to him..... Op I know you're getting a ton of good advice here but just do one thing for me please cover your a$$ and your a$$ets don't let her try to rewrite history and make this your fault..... that come next after the begging and crying.


I believe its shame.


----------



## DeadMan

Thorburn said:


> DM, You only feel this way. Most of us have been there. You have your kids. When you start the 180 you will start to come out of these feelings.
> 
> No drinking. No drugs unless prescribed by a doctor and some will help.
> 
> DM, make sure you get rest.


I have not been getting any rest. As we speak I am waiting for her to get home from work aggghhhh


----------



## Graywolf2

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Who the hell does anal with a stranger..must have a pencil..if you catch my meaning....
> For gods sake....how did he know she was clean?... Poop all over his ****?.. Come on!


You think that's bad. A friend of a friend said that after anal he got up to pee and found not only poop but corn on his ****.


----------



## tom67

Graywolf2 said:


> You think that's bad. A friend of a friend told me that after anal he got up to pee and found not only poop but corn on his ****.


eww


----------



## DeadMan

nickgtg said:


> That's what I meant. You said she was willing to do anything, I suggested telling her to move out.


I think that's the only thing she does not want to do.


----------



## BetrayedDad

DeadMan said:


> I told her all the deal breker I counted 190 things (wrote down) she had done wrong!!!


Yeah forget the 180 that's not enough. You need to do a 190 on her! Stop putting up with this crap. It's going to be a messy job but do not let her sh!t all over you. You don't deserve to be number two. File for divorce. No job is finished until the paperwork is done. Doody.


----------



## alte Dame

Graywolf2 said:


> You think that's bad. A friend of a friend said that after anal he got up to pee and found not only poop but corn on his ****.


Corn is very hard to digest.


----------



## tom67

DeadMan said:


> I think that's the only thing she does not want to do.


Take your time get info on the om, let his wife know and blow this up.
Try to not get her fired if you d you don't want to give her alimony.
It will get better.
No sex until STD test.


----------



## Wolfman1968

DeadMan said:


> Check it out the sex has dropped that was one of my suspitions. I would ask her over and over "Are you seeing someone?" She would have sex with me sometime late at night ONLY because she has just come from seeing him and was all worked up in heat. I found that out.



Although there are plenty of deal breakers with this story, this one would top it off for me.

The possibility that I was having sex with her while the OM's filth was inside her. It would make me feel like she was taunting me in a way, trying to insult and degrade me beyond just the fact of the affair.


----------



## DeadMan

tom67 said:


> Take your time get info on the om, let his wife know and blow this up.
> Try to not get her fired if you d you don't want to give her alimony.
> It will get better.
> No sex until STD test.


The dam thing is she was already having sex with him and me and I did not know agghhh.


----------



## ThePheonix

DeadMan said:


> I am destroyd and waisted!


The feeling is temporary my man. The medicine for this illness is the right woman. It ain't the ones you get rid of that makes you misrable. It's the ones you don't.


----------



## X-B

DM I know it sucks to be in the place we are in. The idea of her sending him private pics you you two is mind boggling to know what a cheater can do. I remember December 25 2012 we were in Disney for what was supposed to be our kids greatest Christmas and she wanted me to use her phone to take pics of her in front of the major attractions. That night she sent them to him. In January I was going to see how much data we used on vacation to make sure we didn't go over and that's when I saw she was sending text and pics to someone. January 15 2013 was the last day I was a happy man. 
Now is the time for you to be strong. It will be the hardest thing you have ever had to do but in the end you will make it.


----------



## tom67

X-Betaman said:


> DM I know it sucks to be in the place we are in. The idea of her sending him private pics you you two is mind boggling to know what a cheater can do. I remember December 25 2012 we were in Disney for what was supposed to be our kids greatest Christmas and she wanted me to use her phone to take pics of her in front of the major attractions. That night she sent them to him. In January I was going to see how much data we used on vacation to make sure we didn't go over and that's when I saw she was sending text and pics to someone. January 15 2013 was the last day I was a happy man.
> Now is the time for you to be strong. It will be the hardest thing you have ever had to do but in the end you will make it.


It's an affair high like drug addiction same receptors look it up.


----------



## roostr

When exactly did she stop the affair? I'm sorry but I cant seem to follow the timeline you mentioned from the time you bought the house until she started the affair, and then you busted her when? It was a 3 month affair you said?


----------



## lordmayhem

DeadMan said:


> Check it out the sex has dropped that was one of my suspitions. I would ask her over and over "Are you seeing someone?" She would have sex with me sometime late at night ONLY because she has just come from seeing him and was all worked up in heat. I found that out.


Ugh. I can't read anymore of this thread after this post. Its sickening getting sloppy seconds.


----------



## lordmayhem

DeadMan said:


> The dam thing is she was already having sex with him and me and I did not know agghhh.


OMG. I hope you didn't go down on her.

I haven't read about that since the cheater DC forums. One WW on there got off on the fact that she had her BH go down on her after OM had finished inside her that night.


----------



## cantthinkstraight

I know you're in a world of pain right now... many of us here have experienced the very same ordeal.

First of all, you need to take care of yourself. Eat and sleep well. As much as possible.
Second, you need a plan of action. If I were you, I'd get divorce papers drawn immediately.
Next, I'd make sure that the OM's wife knew of their adventured together.

My heart goes out to you, as the feelings you're describing inside brings me
back to when I went through the very same. Your world has been flipped on you
and everything has changed. Please don't beat yourself up over the details.
The truth is, whatever your wife and the OM did together is likely twice as bad
as you think it is and happened more frequently than you know.

She's following the cheaters script and is now attempting to make things better.
The truth is (and I think you know this) it won't get better. The person you took your
vows with is not and never will be or mean the same to you. You need to think hard
and decide on what's best for your well being moving forward.

Understand that no matter what she tells you, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME for her actions.
DO NOT agree to go to marriage counseling, as that's something that should've been
discussed long before she fooled around with the OM.

Stand up for yourself and be strong. You will have a lot of support here, so please
don't be afraid to ask for advice in order to help yourself heal properly.

This is something that can't be "sorry'ed" away. It will stay with you and haunt
you for the rest of your life. You didn't make that decision, SHE did.

Personally, I would say it's not worth trying to save or change her.
What is worth it is saving yourself... from living with a lying, hurtful and selfish person
who didn't think twice about walking all over you and making a mockery of the love you
had for her.


----------



## Refuse to be played

lordmayhem said:


> OMG. I hope you didn't go down on her.
> 
> I haven't read about that since the cheater DC forums. One WW on there got off on the fact that she had her BH go down on her after OM had finished inside her that night.


Oh god I remember that one...that was so fcuked up you could tell that even some of the other cheating women on there were disgusted but restrained themselves because they all believe you should never call someone out for sh!tty behaviour unless you 'walked in their shoes'.


----------



## Mr Blunt

Deadman, I am a BS and a man

You have already decided that she has committed a deal breaker.

Now
*Get control of your emotions as best a you can and get help doing that and that means adding to the help you are getting from TAM*


When you get control of your emotions better you will be able to better concentrate on doing thing better now and planning on the future.

It is very obvious that your wife did some sexual things that are very disgusting. You have been given very good advice and Thorburn’s posts are especially helpful IMO. However, as soon as possible I would suggest that you try and look at 1-5-10 years down the road and adjust your current actions accordingly. *You have two children and their mother will always be attached to them in most cases. Do not do anything to your wife that would add unnecessary hurt to your children*.


As you have indicted she has committed a deal breaker so get busy with helping yourself and your children without unnecessary damage to your wife. I am not gong soft on your WS but *you will be wasting time getting yourself better if you keep thinking about your wife and what she has done*. I know it is very difficult but what you have described that your wife did is more than enough to rape your emotions for many years. No need to feed that.


Almost everyone will conclude that what your wife has done is most disgusting and *I think that you should stop anything that brings her sexual activities back to your mind.* She has done it and nothing can take it back and you have made up your mind that it is deal breaker. If you keep talking and thinking about what she did it is like a moth drawn to the flame, you will get burnt even more. *DO NOT dwell anymore on her sexual activities dwell on your actions that will help you and your children.*

From what you have described your wife’s emotions are pretty much destroyed right now and everyone is against her including her family. *Do not add anymore worthlessness to your wife. She is still a human and she is the mother of your children. *Concentrate on you and your children getting better.


----------



## Refuse to be played

You have the D-bag's name, place of employment, a photo of him(?), and maybe his phone #. And you can't find out where he lives or his wife's contact info? Got any cop friends? Last resort you could shell out a few hundred to get a PI to get you his wife's info.


----------



## GusPolinski

tom67 said:


> *Take your time get info on the om, let his wife know and blow this up.*
> Try to not get her fired if you d you don't want to give her alimony.
> It will get better.
> No sex until STD test.





Refuse to be played said:


> *You have the D-bag's name, place of employment, a photo of him(?), and maybe his phone #. And you can't find out where he lives or his wife's contact info? Got any cop friends? Last resort you could shell out a few hundred to get a PI to get you his wife's info.*


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## tom67

GusPolinski said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


Double this:iagree::iagree:


----------



## lordmayhem

DeadMan said:


> No his wife does not know. I wish I could find where helive at. My wife does not know where he lives exactly. He was very smart and protective for his family. My wife was not. She was so hooked on him.


You should not believe this. If she was so hooked with him and loved him....then she would know a lot about him. Come on now. She was planning a future with him. It doesn't make sense.

But what does make sense, and it falls in line with the script, its that often times, the WS will protect their AP. The question is: Is she protecting him and why is she protecting him?


----------



## lordmayhem

Refuse to be played said:


> You have the D-bag's name, place of employment, a photo of him(?), and maybe his phone #. And you can't find out where he lives or his wife's contact info? Got any cop friends? Last resort you could shell out a few hundred to get a PI to get you his wife's info.


You don't need cop friends and it would be illegal for them to give him criminal justice information about the OM. However, the way to get around that is this: Accident reports and police reports are public information and can be requested.


Find out where his local police department is
Give them the name of the OM
Request a copy of his criminal history - it should be available for a nominal fee
Request a copy of any accident reports and/or police reports under his name - its either free or a small fee is charged. His name, address, and phone number will be on the report(s).

The majority of people have been in a car accident, even just a fender bender. So there is a very good chance his contact info will be available in a report. Just trying to save people a few hundred bucks, because thats one of the things PIs do.


----------



## warlock07

DeadMan said:


> No his wife does not know. I wish I could find where helive at. My wife does not know where he lives exactly. He was very smart and protective for his family. My wife was not. She was so hooked on him.


Don't believe her. She is likely protecting him


----------



## DeadMan

I will answer everyones questions as soon as I get a chance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

Mrs. John Adams said:


> The 180 is if you want to reconcile....do you want to reconcile or divorce her sorry ass?


I am not sure if I want to reconcile.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Trying2figureitout

DeadMan said:


> I am not sure if I want to reconcile.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


At least yours fessed up to the kinky sex...mine still denies they ever had sex after three years...

I am reconciling...but even that is a hard pill to swallow. I wish you luck at least you nipped it in the butt.


----------



## Fenix

Thorburn said:


> Deadman, listen for a moment.
> 
> 1. You are emotional and this is normal.
> 2. Try to get your anger and rage under control. No more cornering her.
> 3. Remember, she is not remorseful. The more you write the more we see this.
> 4. She is lying and will continue to lie. She only tells you the truth when you have her cornered. No!!! Almost everytime she moves her lips she is lying.
> 5. Berating her will not get the truth from her. I tried it. I got some but not most of it. Yelling, screaming, threatening, etc. may seem the way to go (I did), but it does not get the truth out of them.
> 6. Look over the 180. It has been posted for you. Put it into practice.
> 7. Talk to your wife only about finances and the children.
> 8. Again, try to turn off your anger and don't let the kids see it.
> 9. Lawyer up, and keep quite about it.
> 10. get your finances in order.
> 11. Don't share your thoughts about divorce or anything else with your wife.
> 12. Don't be mean to her. Be civil.
> 13. Get to the point of detachment.


Yes. And move quickly while she is feeling guilty.

Do not replay the scenes in your head. Do not dwell on what she did or is. She is not who you thought she was. Look forward. It gets easier. Right now, you are in crisis mode. Eventually, you will stop thinking about it 24-7. It will go to every other hour, then every 4 hours etc.

Keep the kids as priority too. Go get IC for help in managing your inner turmoil. The children need to be protected.

eta: OK, now finished with the thread. You are not sure you want to reconcile?? Seriously? Please go get some IC and think about whether your self respect can weather this storm. Could you live a life without trust? The pictures shared (evil), the coming to you for sex when she was hot from her OM...that is just too much.

But, it's your life...


----------



## Chaparral

Go to spokeo.com. put his phone number in, it may give you a lot of info if he wasn't using a burner phone. You may also be able to put in his email address.


----------



## DeadMan

Chaparral said:


> Go to spokeo.com. put his phone number in, it may give you a lot of info if he wasn't using a burner phone. You may also be able to put in his email address.


This guy was smart he always called her blocked. She does not gave his number.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PhillyGuy13

How did she meet him?


----------



## DeadMan

Trying2figureitout said:


> At least yours fessed up to the kinky sex...mine still denies they ever had sex after three years...
> 
> I am reconciling...but even that is a hard pill to swallow. I wish you luck at least you nipped it in the butt.


I made her tell me each senerio in detail as posible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

warlock07 said:


> Don't believe her. She is likely protecting him


She was protecting him the whole first month then started breaking down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bryanp

What a piece of work your wife is. She would have sex with him and then come home to you to have sex with. How special you must feel having sloppy seconds. This shows she does not give a damn about you. The bottom line is that she would still be screwing this guy behind your back if she had not been caught. She is sorry.....sorry that she got caught. My friend you could do so much better in your life because it would probably be impossible to do any worst than her. She has humiliated and disrespected you in so many ways. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

By the way, it probably would not be a bad idea to do a paternity test on your 1 year old child. Get a good lawyer now.


----------



## DeadMan

roostr said:


> When exactly did she stop the affair? I'm sorry but I cant seem to follow the timeline you mentioned from the time you bought the house until she started the affair, and then you busted her when? It was a 3 month affair you said?


I bought the house in July last week.
The affair started September 3
It stopped December 7th the same day she got busted. The guy said bye.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

bryanp said:


> What a piece of work your wife is. She would have sex with him and then come home to you to have sex with. How special you must feel having sloppy seconds. This shows she does not give a damn about you. The bottom line is that she would still be screwing this guy behind your back if she had not been caught. She is sorry.....sorry that she got caught. My friend you could do so much better in your life because it would probably be impossible to do any worst than her. She has humiliated and disrespected you in so many ways. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
> 
> She totally f-ed up my manhood.
> 
> By the way, it probably would not be a bad idea to do a paternity test on your 1 year old child. Get a good lawyer now.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Squeakr

DeadMan said:


> This guy was smart he always called her blocked. She does not gave his number.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If she was texting with him, whether the number was blocked and shows up that way on the bill, she had the number and knows it. I don't believe that she doesn't have or know the number. You are being played. Do you really believe that he did all the calling and she only emailed him?? I don't!!!


----------



## Chaparral

Did you look at the phone bill?


----------



## badmemory

DeadMan said:


> I know where he works. I went to his job.
> 
> I know his name.


Trust me DeadMan. You have all you need to find out everything about this guy. Follow the advice you've received and don't stop digging until you find it. Then expose him to his wife, his family and his work place. Post him on cheaterville.com. Make him regret the day that he chose YOUR wife to get his jollies.

Your wife is covering for him to prevent the exposure and further humiliation.


----------



## chillymorn

paternity test the kids!


----------



## Clay2013

Kick her out. Change all the accounts (Move Money). Change your number. Get into counseling and start going to a gym for the anger.

Don't Talk to her anymore. Let a Lawyer do it. 

There is nothing left to save but you. 

Clay


----------



## lenzi

Graywolf2 said:


> You think that's bad. A friend of a friend said that after anal he got up to pee and found not only poop but corn on his ****.


I always get hungry after sex.

This could actually be a good thing.


----------



## johnAdams

lenzi said:


> I always get hungry after sex.
> 
> This could actually be a good thing.


This is not my type of corn on the cob.


----------



## 6301

Look. You need to get a sense of order so it comes down to this. You have his name. Doesn't matter at this point because the deed is done and having his name isn't going to make things better.

The only name you need right now is the name of your lawyer, where he/she is located and to see him/her ASAP.

Then you need to gather you finances up in a way that you don't wind up having the accounts drained in case she bolts. 

Then instead of sitting there with the idea of $hitting in one hand and wishing in the other, look at the big picture and ask yourself if this is the kind of woman you want to share your life with. What she did was despicable. Having an affair is bad enough but when she drags you in it by sending him pictures of you and your wife in a sexual way tells you right there that she has no respect for you at all. 

She is begging and pleading for another chance because she's seeing he way of life going down the drain and it's only after she did the damage.

The longer you wait, the harder it will be. When you start to think if you should stay in the marriage or go, take a minuet and think about what she did and how she disrespected you. 

Tell her to leave and go stay with a family member or friend. Having her there isn't helping you and IMO she's knows that if she continues pleading her case, your going to give in.

All in all, how much humiliation are you willing to take?


----------



## bandit.45

Kick her butt out and change the locks. When you see true remorse, not the fake guilt she is showing now, then give her a written roadmap on how to win you back, which would include intensive counseling to figure out why she's so messed up, total complete transparency, marital counseling with you, and get a job and get on her own feet. 

If you ever want her back then you need to give her an obstacle course to get back with you on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CASE_Sensitive

burn your bed


----------



## DeadMan

Squeakr said:


> If she was texting with him, whether the number was blocked and shows up that way on the bill, she had the number and knows it. I don't believe that she doesn't have or know the number. You are being played. Do you really believe that he did all the calling and she only emailed him?? I don't!!!


she emailed him there are hundreds of emails sent from her. Up to 70 a day everyday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Remains

alte Dame said:


> Corn is very hard to digest.


Made me laugh! 

Sorry OP, really awful situation.


----------



## sandc

DeadMan said:


> 1. she mainly emailed him using a gmail BUT she permenatly deleted all the emails after reading them I have ALL paswords to all of her accounts now.
> 
> I know where he works. I went to his job.
> 
> I know his name. At the begining she lied about everything! He took the train to work. She was the bimbo driving him around our new car.


People always forget about the "Sent Mail" folder in gmail. Check her sent mail to see if there are any emails there. Might find some other identifying information there.

The tip you got on getting the OM's address from accident records at the local police department is a good one too.

Usually exposing is a way to break up the affair. OM bolted as soon as you found out. He was probably scared you were going to tear him a new a$$hole. So you've already broken up the affair. The whole point of exposure now is just so his wife can protect herself. Just be prepared if you ever do get to talk to her that she might already know, she might get angry and accuse you of lying. So don't talk to his wife until you've got yourself calmed down a little.

You've got every right to be pissed though. Go to a gym and find a heavy bag and kick the sh!t out of it!


----------



## bandit.45

If yo lived in northern New Mexico the corn would be blue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Squeakr

sandc said:


> He was probably scared you were going to tear him a new a$$hole.



Nice choice of phrasing, just like the OM did to his wife!:rofl:


----------



## Chaparral

DeadMan said:


> she emailed him there are hundreds of emails sent from her. Up to 70 a day everyday.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The spokeo advertisement I see on this website says they can get inf on cheating with just an email address. Has anyone else seen this ad?


----------



## Chaparral

sandc said:


> People always forget about the "Sent Mail" folder in gmail. Check her sent mail to see if there are any emails there. Might find some other identifying information there.
> 
> The tip you got on getting the OM's address from accident records at the local police department is a good one too.
> 
> Usually exposing is a way to break up the affair. OM bolted as soon as you found out. He was probably scared you were going to tear him a new a$$hole. So you've already broken up the affair. The whole point of exposure now is just so his wife can protect herself. Just be prepared if you ever do get to talk to her that she might already know, she might get angry and accuse you of lying. So don't talk to his wife until you've got yourself calmed down a little.
> 
> You've got every right to be pissed though. Go to a gym and find a heavy bag and kick the sh!t out of it!


Yes, find his wife.


After things settle down a bit the other man will come back fishing. He's not going to give it up that easily.


----------



## DiamondsandRust

I would say, find the wife, expose him with her and at work. 

then kick you wife out and never ever let her back in. 

run as fast as you can. and quit thinking about this mess and move on, the faster you move on the faster you will be able to have some peace of mind. 

It's not worth the rage or the time that you are wasting on finding out the truth. every time something new is revealed, it will burn you. so just say F it and move on. 

the more you stay in this situation the more you are wasting time from bettering yourself and possibly finding another woman to think about.


----------



## Clay2013

I would not be worried about the OM. Sounds like she gave it all up easily. If he stays with her he had better get used to sharing her. I am honestly surprised this wasn't a story like " I am having difficulty with my feelings after booting my lieing ***** of a wife out". It just amazes me how people stay with someone like that. Kids or no kids. I booted my xW out for far less and kept the kids. 

Clay


----------



## bandit.45

DiamondsandRust said:


> I would say, find the wife, expose him with her and at work.
> 
> then kick you wife out and never ever let her back in.
> 
> run as fast as you can. and quit thinking about this mess and move on, the faster you move on the faster you will be able to have some peace of mind.
> 
> It's not worth the rage or the time that you are wasting on finding out the truth. every time something new is revealed, it will burn you. so just say F it and move on.
> 
> the more you stay in this situation the more you are wasting time from bettering yourself and possibly finding another woman to think about.


He did waste too much time. Here it is three months past Dday. Anything he does to her now is going to make him look vindictive. He should have kicked her out in December when he found out. If he had done so then he could have avoided more fallout. 

Oh well. Live and learn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sandc

Good to see you back bandit.


----------



## Thorburn

johnadams said:


> that is strange she would allow anal. If the a-hole is not sacred what is? Oral and vaginal is common, but, you would think you could keep one thing sacred.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach

What happened to this place ?!?

Calming him down and consoling him, offering advice and perspective is what we are here for. Step back and check yourselves. 11 pages in under 24 hours, half of it angry venting and disgust ?! This thread makes this place look like it's gone from a support source to a social network / lynch mob. 

Listen, I love you guys and this site was a huge source of support for me when I was in the pits of hell but some of what I'm reading here doesn't resemble what I remember.

OP is obviously just short of a mushroom cloud already. He has kids. Things done and things said that could impact them can never be taken back. 

Respectfully.
~Pit~

*OP... * Calm down, it's going to be Ok. I (We) are sorry and understand what you are going through. Take a deep breath. Try to step back. 

It's clear you know your marriage is likely over. All things considered your reaction is healthy compared to many others faced with this situation. Your anger and outrage is justified. But, try to control the beast, for your own good. It's time for damage control. You don't want more regrets. Don't do or say anything when your red lining. This women is Mommy to those precious little ones. She's human. she made an unspeakable mistake. A forever mistake. 

You will move on, and IMHO you should. The damage is done and it's forever. Just remember, your lives are intertwined through those children and one day the dust will settle. 

Skim past the anger and outrage being shared with you and take away the gems some of the folks here have offered, they are in there. 

*I wish you luck, and promise you it will get better with time.*

signed,
Been there, done this.


----------



## broder62

This entire thread is chaotic. Dead man, pretend a friend comes to you and tells you this story. Or, pretend your son or daughter comes to you in the future and says, "My spouse did this....." and tells you what you are telling us. You need to third person this story so you can see it clearly. You need to clean out your financial accounts (except for what is hers) and move out. There is no marriage. It's over. Completely. There is no reconciliation. You don't reconcile affairs. You don't. Don't even mind-puck yourself into thinking. The sooner you stay away from healing, the longer and MORE PAINFUL it will get. Tearing a marriage apart is like the tearing of flesh. What you need to do is what you don't want to do. Do not focus on all the positive and loving feelings you had for her. That will eff up up completely. You don't have to go into hating her. But you have to do what is RESPONSIBLE. What is RIGHT for the situation. You can always reconcile after a divorce. If you do not act RIGHT in this, there is LESS of a chance of reconciliation. Women respect strength and decision and MEN. Here's what a man does. Move swiftly, directly, confidently. You need to show NO NEGATIVE EMOTION. Do not handle this like a woman and cry, beg, plead. Think of someone you admire and respect. Let's say...James Bond (just a character, but none the less). How would James Bond handle this? That's how YOU handle it. That is attractive, that will send her messages that you only wish she had about you. It's not about rebuilding, but, what I'm trying to say is you need to MAN-UP and move without emotion (negative or positive) and do not hiccup or stutter. An insecure, undecisive man sends her messages reinforcing her disrespect. FOCUS ON "we'll reconcile after divorce" if that will satisfy your heart feelings - but - the quicker you divorce, the quicker a reconcile. Your marriage is over. It has a tombstone on it - a starting date, a dash and an end date. It sucks. You don't want THIS marriage. You don't want anything to do with it. Hiroshima was a nice place once before the US nuked it. But it was nuked. Your marriage has just been nuked. Stop thinking about how nice it was or pretend it wasn't nuked. It's over. Be happy. And if need be, tell yourself everyday closer to divorce is one day closer to reconciliation. Whatever you have to do to get you feeling better to do what is RIGHT the better.


----------



## jorgegene

I would direct my anger towards OM without any thoughts of violence.
As a previous poster has stated (Thorburn?), directing anger towards WS will do very little good. She is exposed, in shame and continuing to lie. She probably knows she has blown it and her marriage is over.

I believe the energy should be directed at exposing OM as calmly and as legally as possible for a number of reasons such as to teach this guy a lesson he needs, and to release some of that justifiable anger, and to provide justice (even if painful) to his (OM) wife.

Some of the posters here are advising OP how to gather information on this POSOM and get him exposed for all the world to see and he's apparently shaking in his boots about his job and maybe he gets himself fired.

Good luck OP. And yes, I've been there, like the otheres here.


----------



## Chaparral

Without being able to change the past, what do you want to do? You can get advice here for getting divorced, investigating more, reconciling, etc.

Its true, your wife has shamelessly betrayed you. There have been worse cases here and the couples have reconciled. There have been cases where it wasn't as bad and the betrayed spouse has divorced his/her betrayer.

It may be that you haven't decided yet and that is fine. It would help us help you if you told us where you stand.


----------



## Nostromo

I'm sorry she is not being more transparent with you. Have you exposed the affair to others yet? If not do you intend on exposing?

btw to some of the previous posters, I know many of you are a little jaded and have a "been there done that" perspective on this stuff, which is fine, but please remember the OP is only three months into this. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume he doesn't want to hear sex jokes about his wife right now. Just a suggestion.


----------



## sidney2718

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> What happened to this place ?!?
> 
> Calming him down and consoling him, offering advice and perspective is what we are here for. Step back and check yourselves. 11 pages in under 24 hours, half of it angry venting and disgust ?! This thread makes this place look like it's gone from a support source to a social network / lynch mob.
> 
> Listen, I love you guys and this site was a huge source of support for me when I was in the pits of hell but some of what I'm reading here doesn't resemble what I remember.
> 
> OP is obviously just short of a mushroom cloud already. He has kids. Things done and things said that could impact them can never be taken back.
> 
> Respectfully.
> ~Pit~
> 
> *OP... * Calm down, it's going to be Ok. I (We) are sorry and understand what you are going through. Take a deep breath. Try to step back.
> 
> It's clear you know your marriage is likely over. All things considered your reaction is healthy compared to many others faced with this situation. Your anger and outrage is justified. But, try to control the beast, for your own good. It's time for damage control. You don't want more regrets. Don't do or say anything when your red lining. This women is Mommy to those precious little ones. She's human. she made an unspeakable mistake. A forever mistake.
> 
> You will move on, and IMHO you should. The damage is done and it's forever. Just remember, your lives are intertwined through those children and one day the dust will settle.
> 
> Skim past the anger and outrage being shared with you and take away the gems some of the folks here have offered, they are in there.
> 
> *I wish you luck, and promise you it will get better with time.*
> 
> signed,
> Been there, done this.


This is good advice. I'll just add a bit to it and probably duplicate a bit of it. First, if she is a co-owner of the house you can NOT throw her out of it. It is her house as much as it is yours. If you physically force her out, the courts will not be happy with you. Even cheating spouses have rights.

Second: do nothing except get advice quickly. See a lawyer and attend to financial things as you've been advised. But make no final decisions now because we can guarantee that they won't be final. You will ride the roller coaster for a while until you come to a firm conclusion.

Third: Do not ignore the good parts. She came clean and is willing to talk to you. That counts. Don't say or do anything to her that will be irrevocable. It can only hurt you later.

Fourth: The list of horrible things your wife and the other man did in bed would be considered tame by many folks under 30. Anal sex has become commonplace in the last 10 years. Just Google it to see. And a finger in the a$$ may be unhygenic, but it turns some women on. Some of us have been doing it for years. Things could be worse. She could be pregnant by the OM. My point here is that there are other things that are more horrible that she could have done. Her deeds are not necessarily the end of the world.

You have a child. You may end up divorcing your child's mother. You and she would then share custody and parenting duties until the child is at least 18. Don't make life horrible for the child.

I'm not saying don't divorce. I am saying that the choice is up to you and you should make it when you are more calm than you are now.

Good luck and a good life to you!


----------



## MattMatt

Deadman, no matter what, you need counselling. And ensure your children are OK.


----------



## xakulax

sidney2718 said:


> This is good advice. I'll just add a bit to it and probably duplicate a bit of it. First, if she is a co-owner of the house you can NOT throw her out of it. It is her house as much as it is yours. If you physically force her out, the courts will not be happy with you. Even cheating spouses have rights.
> 
> Second: do nothing except get advice quickly. See a lawyer and attend to financial things as you've been advised. But make no final decisions now because we can guarantee that they won't be final. You will ride the roller coaster for a while until you come to a firm conclusion.
> 
> Third: Do not ignore the good parts. *She came clean *and is willing to talk to you. That counts. Don't say or do anything to her that will be irrevocable. It can only hurt you later.
> 
> Fourth: The list of horrible things your wife and the other man did in bed would be considered tame by many folks under 30. Anal sex has become commonplace in the last 10 years. Just Google it to see. And a finger in the a$$ may be unhygenic, but it turns some women on. Some of us have been doing it for years. Things could be worse. She could be pregnant by the OM. My point here is that there are other things that are more horrible that she could have done. Her deeds are not necessarily the end of the world.
> 
> You have a child. You may end up divorcing your child's mother. You and she would then share custody and parenting duties until the child is at least 18. Don't make life horrible for the child.
> 
> I'm not saying don't divorce. I am saying that the choice is up to you and you should make it when you are more calm than you are now.
> 
> Good luck and a good life to you!



Have you read what she done that like saying yes I stab you in the back and twisted the knife but at least I told you.

Are you an apologist because most of your post seam to tilt that way 

And as for the children it better to have two parents who love and support them rather then one that resent and doesn't respect the other. The op should do what in his best interest whether it's divorce or reconcile.


----------



## just got it 55

Philat said:


> Lubed condom? OK, if you say so...


Philat I see where you are going here

55


----------



## Mr Blunt

> *Quotes by Dead Man*
> She is totally remorse full. She calls herself every name in the book
> She cry's almost everyday. I flip out almost every day about this.
> All I talk about is that every single day. Think about it 24 hours a day!!!
> 
> PS Who the hell uses a condom during anal ???????????
> This is what I am talking about all the time to her
> 
> 
> Yes I know she is nasty and disgusting. She has called her self every name in the book. Her parents are ashamed at her.
> 
> She begs and wines crys.
> I told her all the deal breker I counted 190 things (wrote down) she had done wrong!!!
> 
> I do bashing daily she cries like a baby all the time.
> I made her tell me each senerio in detail as posible



Your obsession with your wife’s betrayal and sex acts is totally understandable.

However, ask yourself one question
If you continue to do as you have described above, 
*HOW WILL THAT HELP YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN?*

Furthermore, how much good does it do for you to constantly talk about her sex acts when you know that she withholds the truth; how has that been working for you?



> Quote of Dead Man
> She only tells the truth when I have her cornered



My point is what I said in my last post. Here it is again reprinted below


*



DO NOT dwell anymore on her sexual activities dwell on your actions that will help you and your children.

Click to expand...

*
What is your plan of action for this week, this month?


----------



## just got it 55

DeadMan said:


> She is tainted and spoiled that is the way I see her. She destroyed my *OUR Marriage*.


Fixed that for you DM

Your life will be fine when this sh!tstorm passes

and it will

55


----------



## sirdano

Funny thing with Gmail if you goto ALL MAIL mostly likely the deleted and sent emails are still there.


----------



## tacoma

Deadman,

Your wife is still protecting her lover from you.
He is still, even now her priority above and beyond you and your marriage.

She knows his name, make her say it.

Find out who he is, any and all info on him.
Get hard copies of the pics on your wife's phone and the e-mails in your wife's account.
Make copies of these copies and hide them.
Put a copy in the hands of the OM's wife.

Watch your wife get thrown under the bus and crumble.

Call a lawyer.
Listen to Thorburn in this thread


----------



## happyman64

Deadman

I know a lot of advice has been thrown at you.

I also know some the posters comments have been hurtful.

Many Tammers have asked what you want. Reconcile or Divorce?

You made it quite clear you are not sure what you want.


Pit was right about a few things.

You need to calm down. You need to take care of yourself mentally and physically.

Yelling at your wife will not make anything better. It never does.

Use the time to get your emotions under control. It is not easy when your spouse might still be lying to you.

Use the time to find the OM's wife. She needs to know what happened.

Do not tell your wife you are doing this.

Let your boss know what is going on at home. You do not want to get fired for bad performance.

Protect your kids and your assets. A meeting with a lawyer is probably a good idea just so you understand your rights.

And the rights of your kids.

I would also back off on your wife and watch her actions closely.

She will either go back to her nonsense or be truly remorseful.

I think in time you will know if you can forgive her and want to reconcile or not.

No matter what she is the mother of your kids and you will have to coparent with her for years.

Keep us posted.

HM


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I am still stuck on the title of this thread...I am a dead man...Why?


He's dead inside, what's so difficult to understand?

Going by your sig, and the "Mrs" next to your name, I gather you are yet another wife that betrayed the man who loved her. I got a $20 note on it.

It is not surprising if this is the case that you are incapable of grasping what it feels like to a man when his wife guts and destroys his whole world, his life, his identity, his everything.

I hope this story is not real.


----------



## ThePheonix

The Cro-Magnon said:


> It is not surprising if this is the case that you are incapable of grasping what it feels like to a man when his wife guts and destroys his whole world, his life, his identity, his everything.


I seen too much to ever put that kind of investment in one person. She may go but my world, life, identity and everything won't be going with her. ( Albeit I may come out a little lighter on the finances.)


----------



## DeadMan

sandc said:


> People always forget about the "Sent Mail" folder in gmail. Check her sent mail to see if there are any emails there. Might find some other identifying information there.
> 
> The tip you got on getting the OM's address from accident records at the local police department is a good one too.
> 
> Usually exposing is a way to break up the affair. OM bolted as soon as you found out. He was probably scared you were going to tear him a new a$$hole. So you've already broken up the affair. The whole point of exposure now is just so his wife can protect herself. Just be prepared if you ever do get to talk to her that she might already know, she might get angry and accuse you of lying. So don't talk to his wife until you've got yourself calmed down a little.
> 
> You've got every right to be pissed though. Go to a gym and find a heavy bag and kick the sh!t out of it!


I checked all and everything in the gmail account. Theres nothing there sge permanently deleted all mail the ONLY way is if I take google to court and get a court order.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DiamondsandRust

To be able to live a new life you must die, you are dead inside. now start a new life. leave all this bs behind and look forward. 

the only thing keeping you from been happy again is yourself. 

what ever you do now is not gonna fix anything. you know too much already. 

my opinion

1. say f it and move on and start new and fresh. 

2. stick around with her and keep having bursts of anger on a daily basis. in the long run both of you might get used to it and the kids wont grow happy. 

3. Force yourself to forget everything you know, If you want to make it work. You need to forget and start fresh with her. 
Most women now adays have already slept with men, same shlt here but she was married to you. that's what makes the difference. 

can yu forget and be able to see her in the eye and move forward as if nothing ever happened? 

some people can forgive and forget, some cant. 
which one are you? 

better yourself first, exercise, get healthy. 
if you need to seek professional help. 

I myself grabbed my balls and did it on my own. 2 months and i feel like a new man. I enjoy my new freedom. If ever there's another female who wants some, I'm good to go. 

Just dont get stuck in anger mode, cause you can spend years in anger and it will get you no where.


----------



## DeadMan

tacoma said:


> Deadman,
> 
> Your wife is still protecting her lover from you.
> He is still, even now her priority above and beyond you and your marriage.
> 
> She knows his name, make her say it.
> 
> Find out who he is, any and all info on him.
> Get hard copies of the pics on your wife's phone and the e-mails in your wife's account.
> Make copies of these copies and hide them.
> Put a copy in the hands of the OM's wife.
> 
> Watch your wife get thrown under the bus and crumble.
> 
> Call a lawyer.
> Listen to Thorburn in this thread


I have his name abd age
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I am still stuck on the title of this thread...I am a dead man...Why?


When I found out about my wife's affair I wished I was dead.

Maybe that's where DM is coming from?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## russell28

Deadman, Here's what you need to do. Some good advice.

Go back to school, get an education. 


Get off the message forums. 

Get IC.. tell them about your "problem" (the message forum one).


----------



## sandc

DeadMan said:


> I checked all and everything in the gmail account. Theres nothing there sge permanently deleted all mail the ONLY way is if I take google to court and get a court order.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Seems she was remarkably thorough then. Going after Google is a dead end so...


----------



## DiamondsandRust

QUIT DIGGING, WHAT'S DONE IS DONE. 

seriously, it's not doing you any good. At this point is done, FUBAR. 
anything you dont know is better left alone. 

No matter how bad it is now, you'll get over it. trust me. 

in the meanwhile keep your distance. stay safe and protect yourself. 

no shouting, no yelling, no anger bursts infront of her. 

if you act calmed and relaxed it will hurt her more, as she will know that she is no loner controlling your emotions. 

get control over yourself. dont let her actions dictate the way you feel now or tomorrow. 

protect yourself, dont do anything that she can use against you. when you say cornered, it might seem like you are winning but that's not what this is about. 

it's about you growing as a person and moving on to better things. 

do it for your kids and for yourself. I seen bad things happen to good people and they have lost their kids cause of stupid small things. dont let this happen to you. 

you still are a family, you and your kids alone is what makes a family, she's not needed.


----------



## davecarter

DeadMan said:


> she emailed him there are hundreds of emails sent from her. Up to 70 a day everyday.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How many days?


----------



## ThePheonix

DeadMan said:


> Things that she has done with him
> Kissed him
> He fingered her vagina
> He fingered her anus
> She gave him oral sex 2 times (I have recovered pictures that she took from her cellphione how stupid could she be?)
> Had anal sex with him once and the first time she they where not succsessful
> Went to see him on her days off
> Went to see him after work.
> She sent him photos and short video clips of her nude and masterbating that she deleted (I recovered them from her cellphone)
> She used me 2 times to take photos of us having sex to send it to him "because he wanted that".



I'm a little perplexed why the need to look at the deleted emails after the above evidence. It seems that's a little like worrying about whether the bank robber wore boxers or brief under his blue jeans.


----------



## MattMatt

sandc said:


> Seems she was remarkably thorough then. Going after Google is a dead end so...


The Google help forum might have some ideas.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

MattMatt said:


> The Google G mail help forum might have some ideas.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I checked all dead ends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

I am now following the 180
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

ThePheonix said:


> I'm a little perplexed why the need to look at the deleted emails after the above evidence. It seems that's a little like worrying about whether the bank robber wore boxers or brief under his blue jeans.


Lol thats like saying dont check lee Harvey oswals background when Kennedy got assassinated. I like to checkout everything to the T. Thats just me guys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

davecarter said:


> How many days?


Every single DAY!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lenzi

DeadMan said:


> You r a dic


How do you know this?


----------



## MattMatt

DeadMan said:


> I checked all dead ends.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No worries, dude! I work with Google and I will look into this for you later if you want. Did you use the same name on the Gmail forum?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Clay2013

She used GMail? The emails you found from him what was the domain he is coming from? If its not gmail or one of the regulars like hotmail or something like that. Select show original on the right hand side drop down window of the email in question. It will show all the headers. If you want you can copy that and pm it to me. 


Clay


----------



## DeadMan

MattMatt said:


> No worries, dude! I work with Google and I will look into this for you later if you want. Did you use the same name on the Gmail forum?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can you look into it? That would be wonderful. PM ME.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

Clay2013 said:


> She used GMail? The emails you found from him what was the domain he is coming from? If its not gmail or one of the regulars like hotmail or something like that. Select show original on the right hand side drop down window of the email in question. It will show all the headers. If you want you can copy that and pm it to me.
> 
> 
> Clay


The OM used 2 emailsone fron yahoo and one from Gmail. She used one from Gmail I am going to look into this when I get home from work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

DeadMan said:


> The OM used 2 emailsone fron yahoo and one from Gmail. She used one from Gmail I am going to look into this when I get home from work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can't wait when you blow up his world when you tell his wife.


----------



## DeadMan

Thorburn said:


> Actually there is plenty of data available that folks involved in affairs do things with their partner that they typically don't do with their spouse.
> 
> I would not believe her about the size. Mine lied.
> 
> 
> If you ask woman about anal it seems that 1 in 5 love it. 1 in 5 hate it. 1 in 5 can tolerate it. 1 in 5 says it is too painful and I forget the other one.
> 
> Don't want to dwell on this.
> 
> She is lying. Lies, lies, lies and more lies.
> 
> You can only believe what you find out, not anything she says.


Yes shes an f-ing big time lier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

She wouldn't keep going back to the guy if she wasn't enjoying it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

anchorwatch said:


> You're ripping mad she put out to someone, but...No exposure yet. No lawyer yet. No counselor yet. You sound like the kind of guy that would have gotten a piece of him by now. Odd!


I have to really think about every move I make I dont want to hurt my children and whats left.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ThePheonix

DeadMan said:


> Lol thats like saying dont check lee Harvey oswals background when Kennedy got assassinated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess that thinking escaped Jack Ruby.


----------



## DeadMan

bandit.45 said:


> She wouldn't keep going back to the guy if she wasn't enjoying it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You better believe it she was.


----------



## DeadMan

tom67 said:


> I can't wait when you blow up his world when you tell his wife.


I am working on it now trying to find out where he lives.


----------



## DeadMan

sandc said:


> Seems she was remarkably thorough then. Going after Google is a dead end so...


Yes she was she told me she deleted and permently deleted them after she read them.


----------



## DeadMan

DiamondsandRust said:


> QUIT DIGGING, WHAT'S DONE IS DONE.
> 
> seriously, it's not doing you any good. At this point is done, FUBAR.
> anything you dont know is better left alone.
> 
> No matter how bad it is now, you'll get over it. trust me.
> 
> in the meanwhile keep your distance. stay safe and protect yourself.
> 
> no shouting, no yelling, no anger bursts infront of her.
> 
> if you act calmed and relaxed it will hurt her more, as she will know that she is no loner controlling your emotions.
> 
> get control over yourself. dont let her actions dictate the way you feel now or tomorrow.
> 
> protect yourself, dont do anything that she can use against you. when you say cornered, it might seem like you are winning but that's not what this is about.
> 
> it's about you growing as a person and moving on to better things.
> 
> do it for your kids and for yourself. I seen bad things happen to good people and they have lost their kids cause of stupid small things. dont let this happen to you.
> 
> you still are a family, you and your kids alone is what makes a family, she's not needed.


Yes I know I guess I like the pain


----------



## DeadMan

Mr Blunt said:


> Your obsession with your wife’s betrayal and sex acts is totally understandable.
> 
> However, ask yourself one question
> If you continue to do as you have described above,
> *HOW WILL THAT HELP YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN?*
> 
> Furthermore, how much good does it do for you to constantly talk about her sex acts when you know that she withholds the truth; how has that been working for you?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> My point is what I said in my last post. Here it is again reprinted below
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> What is your plan of action for this week, this month?


I understand. Getting his address is my plan.


----------



## sandc

DeadMan said:


> Yes she was she told me she deleted and permently deleted them after she read them.


Most people will delete their emails and not understand they go to the Trash folder where they can be undeleted. Some people do understand this and so go in there and delete what's in their trash. Usually they forget about their sent mail folder. Your wife is very clever to go in and delete all her mail from her sent folder as well. She was trying hard to cover her tracks. This isn't something she just stumbled into then. This was was carefully planned.


----------



## DeadMan

just got it 55 said:


> Fixed that for you DM
> 
> Your life will be fine when this sh!tstorm passes
> 
> and it will
> 
> 55


Yes it will. Thanx


----------



## DeadMan

sirdano said:


> Funny thing with Gmail if you goto ALL MAIL mostly likely the deleted and sent emails are still there.


I have done that but she clicked on permmenatly delete


----------



## DeadMan

happyman64 said:


> Deadman
> 
> I know a lot of advice has been thrown at you.
> 
> I also know some the posters comments have been hurtful.
> 
> Many Tammers have asked what you want. Reconcile or Divorce?
> 
> You made it quite clear you are not sure what you want.
> 
> 
> Pit was right about a few things.
> 
> You need to calm down. You need to take care of yourself mentally and physically.
> 
> Yelling at your wife will not make anything better. It never does.
> 
> Use the time to get your emotions under control. It is not easy when your spouse might still be lying to you.
> 
> Use the time to find the OM's wife. She needs to know what happened.
> 
> Do not tell your wife you are doing this.
> 
> Let your boss know what is going on at home. You do not want to get fired for bad performance.
> 
> Protect your kids and your assets. A meeting with a lawyer is probably a good idea just so you understand your rights.
> 
> And the rights of your kids.
> 
> I would also back off on your wife and watch her actions closely.
> 
> She will either go back to her nonsense or be truly remorseful.
> 
> I think in time you will know if you can forgive her and want to reconcile or not.
> 
> No matter what she is the mother of your kids and you will have to coparent with her for years.
> 
> Keep us posted.
> 
> HM


I got ya man thanx.


----------



## lenzi

It's not necessary to repeat a person's entire quote. Just delete all the words that you don't need from in between the quote tags.

Once you have the post ready, copy it (to Windows clipboard) then go to the next post you want to reply to, hit reply, prepare the quote by deleting the unneeded words, then paste the clipboard contents into the new reply box. 

If you want additional quotes and replies, then copy the new entire post you have prepared (to Windows clipboard), then go and quote the next person's post that you want to reply to, remove unneeded words from between the quote tags, then paste in the contents of the Windows clipboard.

You can continue this process as long as necessary until you are finished preparing ONE big post rather than a whole bunch of single posts with excessively long quotes that makes it more time consuming for other helpful posters to wade through.


----------



## DeadMan

DiamondsandRust said:


> To be able to live a new life you must die, you are dead inside. now start a new life. leave all this bs behind and look forward.
> 
> the only thing keeping you from been happy again is yourself.
> 
> what ever you do now is not gonna fix anything. you know too much already.
> 
> my opinion
> 
> 1. say f it and move on and start new and fresh.
> 
> 2. stick around with her and keep having bursts of anger on a daily basis. in the long run both of you might get used to it and the kids wont grow happy.
> 
> 3. Force yourself to forget everything you know, If you want to make it work. You need to forget and start fresh with her.
> Most women now adays have already slept with men, same shlt here but she was married to you. that's what makes the difference.
> 
> can yu forget and be able to see her in the eye and move forward as if nothing ever happened?
> 
> some people can forgive and forget, some cant.
> which one are you?
> 
> better yourself first, exercise, get healthy.
> if you need to seek professional help.
> 
> I myself grabbed my balls and did it on my own. 2 months and i feel like a new man. I enjoy my new freedom. If ever there's another female who wants some, I'm good to go.
> 
> Just dont get stuck in anger mode, cause you can spend years in anger and it will get you no where.


Thank you for this info.


----------



## rigcol

lenzi said:


> It's not necessary to repeat a person's entire quote. Just delete all the words that you don't need from in between the quote tags.


...


----------



## Chaparral

lenzi said:


> It's not necessary to repeat a person's entire quote. Just delete all the words that you don't need from in between the quote tags.
> 
> Once you have the post ready, copy it (to Windows clipboard) then go to the next post you want to reply to, hit reply, prepare the quote by deleting the unneeded words, then paste the clipboard contents into the new reply box.
> 
> If you want additional quotes and replies, then copy the new entire post you have prepared (to Windows clipboard), then go and quote the next person's post that you want to reply to, remove unneeded words from between the quote tags, then paste in the contents of the Windows clipboard.
> 
> You can continue this process as long as necessary until you are finished preparing ONE big post rather than a whole bunch of single posts with excessively long quotes that makes it more time consuming for other helpful posters to wade through.


where is clipboard?


----------



## MattMatt

DeadMan said:


> Can you look into it? That would be wonderful. PM ME.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I sent you a pm.

However, perhaps you should ignore the emails for now?

If you have the name of OM go to CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know and search for him, there. This might not be his first appearance as a rodeo clown.


----------



## DeadMan

I GOT HIS ADDRESS YES I PAID FOR THE SERVICE!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

DeadMan said:


> I GOT HIS ADDRESS YES I PAID FOR THE SERVICE!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*Do NOT confront him.* Play it cool and stay out of jail. Your children need you out of jail, dad, OK?:smthumbup:


----------



## lenzi

Chaparral said:


> where is clipboard?


When you highlight text and hit "copy" it is saved in Windows memory so you can paste it somewhere else. That's called the "clipboard". You don't need to actually go and find Windows clipboard, it's just a temporary holding place in memory for anything that is copied or cut, that will be pasted. 

Hope that helps.


----------



## DeadMan

MattMatt said:


> *Do NOT confront him.* Play it cool and stay out of jail. Your children need you out of jail, dad, OK?:smthumbup:


I going there when hes not home I know what time he starts work and gets off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

DeadMan said:


> I going there when hes not home I know what time he starts work and gets off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Take a trusted friend and/or VAR the encounter with his wife.


----------



## sandc

DeadMan said:


> I going there when hes not home I know what time he starts work and gets off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Expect her to:
A) Get angry at you and tell you you're lying
B) Act like she's not surprised at all

Just remember keep your cool with her no matter what. You just want to make her aware. Not your responsibility to make her do anything with the info.


----------



## DeadMan

sandc said:


> Expect her to:
> A) Get angry at you and tell you you're lying
> B) Act like she's not surprised at all
> 
> Just remember keep your cool with her no matter what. You just want to make her aware. Not your responsibility to make her do anything with the info.


Ill go with B
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

MattMatt said:


> Take a trusted friend and/or VAR the encounter with his wife.


I am doing both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

DeadMan said:


> I am doing both.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good luck to you and the OM's wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

I went to the OM's wife. She was a real bi***. It was almost like she was blaming me for the affair. But later she started to cry. She said it was nothing new that her husband has done it to her "Over and over and over and over again." That he is a "Pig" and the whole family knows it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sandc

Color me shocked. At least you did the right thing. Now just feel sorry for her. You done your duty now time to concentrate on you and what you want.


----------



## tom67

sandc said:


> Color me shocked. At least you did the right thing. Now just feel sorry for her. You done your duty now time to concentrate on you and what you want.


:iagree:
Remember your w is on your timetable now.


----------



## DeadMan

tom67 said:


> :iagree:
> Remember your w is on your timetable now.


Yes your right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

tom67 said:


> :iagree:
> Remember your w is on your timetable now.


:iagree:

And its time to tell your wife you talked to her and what she told you. Tell her by sleeping with the OM she has basically slept with all the women he had and its time to get std tests.


----------



## Chaparral

See if you can get your lawyer to force posom to delete al the videos and pictures of your wife. And you too I guess. Tell posom if you have to you will get a subpoena to his internet records unless he gets rid of the pictures and can prove it. Any website they are on will usually take them down if that happens.


----------



## tom67

Chaparral said:


> See if you can get your lawyer to force posom to delete al the videos and pictures of your wife. And you too I guess.


Might be able to get a court order I would look into it.


----------



## bandit.45

Why not invite your WW on here? 

Well.... on second thought....

Not with the TAMpack raring to tear her throat out.


----------



## DeadMan

Chaparral said:


> :iagree:
> 
> And its time to tell your wife you talked to her and what she told you. Tell her by sleeping with the OM she has basically slept with all the women he had and its time to get std tests.


Done she is getting std tests.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

Chaparral said:


> See if you can get your lawyer to force posom to delete al the videos and pictures of your wife. And you too I guess. Tell posom if you have to you will get a subpoena to his internet records unless he gets rid of the pictures and can prove it. Any website they are on will usually take them down if that happens.


I believe he deleted everything he said. And hes in hot water.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

bandit.45 said:


> Why not invite your WW on here?
> 
> Well.... on second thought....
> 
> Not with the TAMpack raring to tear her throat out.


Shes going to talk a lot of crap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

DeadMan said:


> Shes going to talk a lot of crap.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Perhaps not. And I promise to be polite to her. But maybe in a slightly snotty British way.

Jokes aside for the moment, invite her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## badmemory

DeadMan said:


> I went to the OM's wife. She was a real bi***. It was almost like she was blaming me for the affair. But later she started to cry. She said it was nothing new that her husband has done it to her "Over and over and over and over again." That he is a "Pig" and the whole family knows it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can never predict how the OM's wife will react. It's a crap shoot. The one I dealt with was a co-dependent, moronic, Stepford wife in clinical denial. She refused to talk to me, but I was at least able to get the information to her. Then she refused to read all of it. 

You did good. One more thing off your check list.


----------



## missthelove2013

BetrayedDad said:


> Well I'm just as much at a loss for words as you are.
> 
> Two in the pink AND one in the stink?!?
> 
> Well I'm sorry but if that's not a deal breaker then I don't know what is.....


very nice steel panther reference!


----------



## Thorburn

Chaparral said:


> where is clipboard?


Chap, not to get too technical, clipboard is a software facility used for short term storage. It is normally part of the GUI environment and typically used as an anonymous, tempporary data buffer. It can map a user input, like keybindings, menu selections and the like. What is cool about it is it can translate data such as RTF to plain text, or Unicode to ANSI Text. If you are using the X Window System then you will see that it used on Unix and Linux as an on demand format. If the toolkit and desktop environments are GNOME or KDE, then you will find this outlined in freedesktop.org specifications. 

There is a host of freeware available for use in Windows, like AceClipboard, Spartan Multi-Clipboard, and more then a dozen others.

I do believe Clipboard was available on XP and after VISTA it is no longer there, so you would have to download it.

I hope this answers your question. Bottom line, if you can't find it on your computer, you will be able to download it from the WWW.


----------



## DeadMan

badmemory said:


> You can never predict how the OM's wife will react. It's a crap shoot. The one I dealt with was a co-dependent, moronic, Stepford wife in clinical denial. She refused to talk to me, but I was at least able to get the information to her. Then she refused to read all of it.
> 
> You did good. One more thing off your check list.


I tried to tell her details and she did not want to hear it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

DeadMan said:


> I tried to tell her details and she did not want to hear it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well that's on her.
Did you give her your cell# so she could call you if need be?


----------



## bandit.45

DeadMan said:


> I tried to tell her details and she did not want to hear it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey... You did your due diligence. Take comfort in that you have done what you could do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

bandit.45 said:


> Hey... You did your due diligence. Take comfort in that you have done what you could do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She knows the guy cheated before hopefully she wakes up and takes him to the cleaners.
Not your problem.


----------



## DeadMan

tom67 said:


> Well that's on her.
> Did you give her your cell# so she could call you if need be?


I wanted to. But she came out her face and tough. So I decided I better not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cynthia

If she started off by blaming you (of all people!) you don't want to give her your number anyway. Who knows what she might decide to do. The less drama, the better.


----------



## DeadMan

CynthiaDe said:


> If she started off by blaming you (of all people!) you don't want to give her your number anyway. Who knows what she might decide to do. The less drama, the better.


Yea
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ThePheonix

CynthiaDe said:


> If she started off by blaming you (of all people!) you don't want to give her your number anyway. Who knows what she might decide to do. The less drama, the better.


Killing the messenger is such a common practice they invented a phrase for it, wrote a song about it, and made a movie regarding it.


----------



## bandit.45

I once went out with the Salvation Army to hand out bags of sandwiches to the homeless one Thanksgiving here in Phoenix. I was surprised when many of the people we were serving were rude and not thankful at all. The Salvation Army guy we were with told us that it hurts people's pride to take charity and they get mad that they have to. 

Sometimes I think that's the way it is with BSs who get visits by the other spouses. Is helpful but humiliating at the same time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TopsyTurvy5

I'm still trying to figure out why you might want to stay.


----------



## DeadMan

TopsyTurvy5 said:


> I'm still trying to figure out why you might want to stay.


I am trying to figure that out too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TheFlood117

Wow, I kinda triggered a bit reading this. Deadman, I found pics of my wife blowing her AP, so I know what it's like to see the details. 

It changes you. 

But, there is light at the end of this cold, dark tunnel for you. 

You need to divorce her. You need to put her in the rearview mirror and totally disconnect. 

File first. Go for joint custody and try to end things as amicably as possible. 

Work on you. Find a new hobby. Workout and get in great shape. 

Above all, be a great dad. 

But I think this ship has sailed so to speak bro, time to bail and get off before you sink.


----------



## happyman64

Deadman

Have you read the flood's original thread?

You should.

He is a bout a year ahead of you I think but would probably give you a status of where he is in a relationship with his Ex and son....

Some food for thought DeadMan.

HM


----------



## DeadMan

happyman64 said:


> Deadman
> 
> Have you read the flood's original thread?
> 
> You should.
> 
> I am thanx man.
> 
> He is a bout a year ahead of you I think but would probably give you a status of where he is in a relationship with his Ex and son....
> 
> Some food for thought DeadMan.
> 
> HM


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

TheFlood117 said:


> Wow, I kinda triggered a bit reading this. Deadman, I found pics of my wife blowing her AP, so I know what it's like to see the details.
> 
> It changes you.
> 
> But, there is light at the end of this cold, dark tunnel for you.
> 
> You need to divorce her. You need to put her in the rearview mirror and totally disconnect.
> 
> File first. Go for joint custody and try to end things as amicably as possible.
> 
> Work on you. Find a new hobby. Workout and get in great shape.
> 
> Above all, be a great dad.
> 
> But I think this ship has sailed so to speak bro, time to bail and get off before you sink.


Wow man I am going to check out your thread. Dam I am hurt. I been working out forca Month now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SteveK

Hey Deadman:

I am not one to tell you what to do in terms of ending your relationship...Many on here can attest to that after reading my thread.

But I can tell you happyman64 is 100% right when he said

_"Yelling at your wife will not make anything better. It never does.

Use the time to get your emotions under control. It is not easy when your spouse might still be lying to you."_

I caught my wife last July in an EA that had gone to where they were hanging out in public as "friends"

I listened to all the material on line etc, but I could not control my nagging and talking about what a Deek Head the OM was. I even made up some stories to see if I could catch the wife still communicating.

She broke it off because of IC, we started going to MC, it helped a lot. The MC said I should give the wife space, because shes dealing with a shark..her POSOM.

Things got real good so I thought. Then I caught her on a business trip sneaking to see him. I threatened divorce she begged me to take her back.

Once again I got into badgering her about the affair and Circle talk. And digging. I started to say he looked like Shrek...it is true he does...I even pointed that out when we were in Orlando.

Family vacation, mid-night swim, I ask her to confess it all. Seems like she does, we make love in the pool (it was amazing sex). After Florida I walk into basement and she freaks the heck out. I ask her why shes so upset. She accuses me of checking up on her when I did nothing.

Three weeks later I catch her again, but this time meeting in Hotel...If i Kept my freaking mouth shut she had planned on coming home and over the weekend sitting me down and confessing and going for possible in-home separation from me and telling him to go back to his country. But and a big But, because the night before I started with her in the bedroom and she felt constrained or PUNISHED, she ran and she ran all the way to his country. Shes back and may want to reconcile! yeesh.

The moral of my story is if you want to forgive her forgive her, but also pull away.become her roommate. What I did really really may be the straw that broke the camels back..

So no Talking in circles, no badgering, let her breath...Remember this woman who is destroying your world was once the girl you asked to marry you...now shes a basket case and attacking her will mike it far worse...unless you want to end the affair and get her back. or just move on and get divorced.


----------



## Dyokemm

"What I did really really may be the straw that broke the camels back.."

No Steve...its what SHE did over and over again that will break your M.

I mean, you caught her TWICE at the EA stage and she still didn't stop herself from F'ing up your M and your family's lives.

Stop blaming yourself. 

SHE did this, and she had plenty of opportunities to stop it.

I think you should tell her to go kick rocks if she even thinks about bringing up R after what she has done.

Think about it...she was caught TWICE and still didn't stop the A after telling you she would.


----------



## DeadMan

SteveK said:


> Hey Deadman:
> 
> I am not one to tell you what to do in terms of ending your relationship...Many on here can attest to that after reading my thread.
> 
> But I can tell you happyman64 is 100% right when he said
> 
> _"Yelling at your wife will not make anything better. It never does.
> 
> Use the time to get your emotions under control. It is not easy when your spouse might still be lying to you."_
> 
> I caught my wife last July in an EA that had gone to where they were hanging out in public as "friends"
> 
> I listened to all the material on line etc, but I could not control my nagging and talking about what a Deek Head the OM was. I even made up some stories to see if I could catch the wife still communicating.
> 
> She broke it off because of IC, we started going to MC, it helped a lot. The MC said I should give the wife space, because shes dealing with a shark..her POSOM.
> 
> Things got real good so I thought. Then I caught her on a business trip sneaking to see him. I threatened divorce she begged me to take her back.
> 
> Once again I got into badgering her about the affair and Circle talk. And digging. I started to say he looked like Shrek...it is true he does...I even pointed that out when we were in Orlando.
> 
> Family vacation, mid-night swim, I ask her to confess it all. Seems like she does, we make love in the pool (it was amazing sex). After Florida I walk into basement and she freaks the heck out. I ask her why shes so upset. She accuses me of checking up on her when I did nothing.
> 
> Three weeks later I catch her again, but this time meeting in Hotel...If i Kept my freaking mouth shut she had planned on coming home and over the weekend sitting me down and confessing and going for possible in-home separation from me and telling him to go back to his country. But and a big But, because the night before I started with her in the bedroom and she felt constrained or PUNISHED, she ran and she ran all the way to his country. Shes back and may want to reconcile! yeesh.
> 
> The moral of my story is if you want to forgive her forgive her, but also pull away.become her roommate. What I did really really may be the straw that broke the camels back..
> 
> So no Talking in circles, no badgering, let her breath...Remember this woman who is destroying your world was once the girl you asked to marry you...now shes a basket case and attacking her will mike it far worse...unless you want to end the affair and get her back. or just move on and get divorced.


I stopped yelling and arguing with her. We still live to gether you can ssy as "***mates" . She beggs and apologises everyday but I am just*following the 180 now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

For the past couple of weeks she has been trying to make me say "I love you." When she sats it to me I dont say anything. And she also asks me "Do you love me?" I dont answer to tgat ether. Her birthday is comming up next week how do I handle that?
She is not getting shizzt from me. She did not get anything for Christmas and Valentine's day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

That's a tough one.


----------



## BrockLanders

DeadMan said:


> For the past couple of weeks she has been trying to make me say "I love you." When she sats it to me I dont say anything. And she also asks me "Do you love me?" I dont answer to tgat ether. Her birthday is comming up next week how do I handle that?
> She is not getting shizzt from me. She did not get anything for Christmas and Valentine's day.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'd suggest ordering something off this site: poopsenders - the ULTIMATE gag gift - SWEET revenge at its finest

Show her how much you (don't) care.


----------



## xakulax

DeadMan said:


> For the past couple of weeks she has been trying to make me say "I love you." When she sats it to me I dont say anything. And she also asks me "Do you love me?" I dont answer to tgat ether. H*er birthday is comming up next week how do I handle that?*
> She is not getting shizzt from me. She did not get anything for Christmas and Valentine's day.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





Get her a book like Not just friends


Tell here this is your bible now.



Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity after Infidelity by Shirley Glass | 9780743225502 | Paperback | Barnes & Noble


----------



## DeadMan

BrockLanders said:


> I'd suggest ordering something off this site: poopsenders - the ULTIMATE gag gift - SWEET revenge at its finest
> 
> Show her how much you (don't) care.


Ha ha good one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

xakulax said:


> Get her a book like Not just friends
> 
> 
> Tell here this is your bible now.
> 
> Lol cool.
> 
> 
> Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity after Infidelity by Shirley Glass | 9780743225502 | Paperback | Barnes & Noble


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cynthia

There is no point in being mean. It only decreases you as a person. I do think the book suggested would be a good idea. That isn't mean. It is real.


----------



## DeadMan

CynthiaDe said:


> There is no point in being mean. It only decreases you as a person. I do think the book suggested would be a good idea. That isn't mean. It is real.


Yea your right. I was not going to give her poop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## xakulax

By getting the book and maybe reading it together she can learn where she went wrong and understand the pain she caused you its also a good avenue for communication wile puling the 180.


----------



## DeadMan

xakulax said:


> By getting the book and maybe reading it together she can learn where she went wrong and understand the pain she caused you its also a good avenue for communication wile puling the 180.


She probably wount be interested in reading it. And ratger read a love novel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cynthia

DeadMan said:


> She probably wount be interested in reading it. And ratger read a love novel.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You could tell her that if she wants the kind of love she's dreaming of, she has to be the kind of woman a man would want to give that kind of love to and the answer to being that woman can be found within the pages of the book, but if she's not interested, then that's up to her. See where that gets you.


----------



## xakulax

DeadMan said:


> She probably wount be interested in reading it. And ratger read a love novel.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



OP don't believe I said reading it was an option for her its mandatory *for all Wayward IMO*


----------



## DeadMan

Cool thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

xakulax said:


> OP don't believe I said reading it was an option for her its mandatory *for all Wayward IMO*


Yes, A must.

If she doesn't want to read it, you could meantion another book for her to read instead. it's called, "*My Way, Or the Highway*".

It was written by a auther named U.R. Outachances.

Required reading for cheating spouses that refuse to do the heavy lifting.


----------



## MattMatt

wrong thread delete.


----------



## GusPolinski

MattMatt said:


> Check with a lawyer. Can you legally have him banned from the USA?
> 
> He might be eager to get your wife to divorce you so he can marry her to get Citizenship?


...? Wrong thread?


----------



## Cynthia

GusPolinski said:


> ...? Wrong thread?


Forums blur. It's when you get confused about which thread you are in.


----------



## DeadMan

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Yes, A must.
> 
> If she doesn't want to read it, you could meantion another book for her to read instead. it's called, "*My Way, Or the Highway*".
> 
> It was written by a auther named U.R. Outachances.
> 
> Required reading for cheating spouses that refuse to do the heavy lifting.


Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

xakulax said:


> Get her a book like Not just friends
> 
> 
> Tell here this is your bible now.
> 
> 
> 
> Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity after Infidelity by Shirley Glass | 9780743225502 | Paperback | Barnes & Noble


I told her about the book and she purchased it on her own. What does that mean?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Squeakr

DeadMan said:


> I told her about the book and she purchased it on her own. What does that mean?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nobody knows. It could be a sign that she is trying to see things from a different perspective and the fog is lifting, it could be just that she is trying to appease you, and it could be that she is trying to show that you are persecuting her and she wants to use your own suggestions against you to prove her theories about "your controlling nature" and "that she was right in that her relationships WAS just friends" as she can prove it through the books examples and how they don't fit her pattern.


----------



## Cynthia

DeadMan said:


> I told her about the book and she purchased it on her own. What does that mean?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Time will tell. Don't try to read anything into it. I recommend you read the book also, so you know what she is reading and can respond to any comments she makes about it. It would be helpful if you were ahead of her in the book.
I have not read the book, so I don't have any suggestions that pertain specifically to it, but knowing what she's reading could be very helpful to you.


----------



## HarryDoyle

DeadMan said:


> I told her about the book and she purchased it on her own. What does that mean?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If she is really interested in R, she should be doing a lot of things on "her own". This is how I * knew* my WW was serious about reconciling. She did everything I asked and more, on her own. I was pretty sure everything I said to her was going in one ear and it out the other, as usual. But I was wrong, she went way beyond what I told her I needed to recover. I'm a big proponent of reconciliation, but for it to work the *2nd* most important thing is that the WW must be 100% willing to commit to R. The * most important * thing is that* you* have to be 100% committed to reconciliation. If either one of you isn't *fully* committed to it, it just ain't gonna work.


----------



## Cynthia

HarryDoyle said:


> If she is really interested in R, she should be doing a lot of things on "her own". This is how I * knew* my WW was serious about reconciling. She did everything I asked and more, on her own. I was pretty sure everything I said to her was going in one ear and it out the other, as usual. But I was wrong, she went way beyond what I told her I needed to recover. I'm a big proponent of reconciliation, but for it to work the *2nd* most important thing is that the WW must be 100% willing to commit to R. The * most important * thing is that* you* have to be 100% committed to reconciliation. If either one of you isn't *fully* committed to it, it just ain't gonna work.


Not necessarily. People change. What a person is feeling or doing or thinking changes from one day to the next, even from moment to moment. As a couple does at least some of the things necessary to make things better and stops doing the things that tear down, little by little hearts can change and things can begin to improve to a point that a couple finds that they are all in.
I have seen this happen where neither part of the couple was sure, but they were trying and watching and letting things move along without making a stand for the marriage. The real test is whether they are both willing to stop hurting each other and trying to treat each other respectfully, with honor. Once that happens, a relationship can move forward and hearts can change.


----------



## xakulax

DeadMan said:


> I told her about the book and she purchased it on her own. What does that mean?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Could mean a lot of things but it is a good sign she wants to learn more about whats she done.You should read it with her you both might learn from it


----------



## DeadMan

I am going to read it too. So far she has been reading it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

Who knows she probably will use and learn how to cheat better. She is probably getting kicks off the cheating stories.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cynthia

DeadMan said:


> Who knows she probably will use and learn how to cheat better. She is probably getting kicks off the cheating stories.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Negative speculation impacts your attitude towards her. Relationships are pretty much built on emotional connection. Work on making the emotional connection positive for both of you and you will be moving in the right direction.


----------



## xakulax

DeadMan said:


> Who knows she probably will use and learn how to cheat better. She is probably getting kicks off the cheating stories.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You never know but at lest its a better book then twilight


----------



## DeadMan

I flipped out again today I found some nasty music lyrics she copied and sent to him. I was not looking for it but they fell out of her pants pocket. She must have forgotten about it. She a f-ing hoe agghhh. I am sick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## The Middleman

DeadMan said:


> She a f-ing hoe agghhh. I am sick.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So why are you still with her?


----------



## ThePheonix

DeadMan said:


> I flipped out again today I found some nasty music lyrics she copied and sent to him. I was not looking for it but they fell out of her pants pocket. She must have forgotten about it. She a f-ing hoe agghhh. I am sick.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It must be bad to be so codependent that you're willing to keep looking like a fool just to be near her. I don't know how you ever convinced yourself you're that weak and needy.


----------



## GusPolinski

DeadMan said:


> I flipped out again today I found some nasty music lyrics she copied and sent to him. I was not looking for it but they fell out of her pants pocket. She must have forgotten about it. She a f-ing hoe agghhh. I am sick.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm confused...thought that the affair ended in December...? LOL, how long had these pants been lying around/


----------



## DeadMan

I give up guys I am done with her. I am sick she just confessed today another disgusting thing. Good luck guys. Thanks for all your advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

DeadMan said:


> I give up guys I am done with her. I am sick she just confessed today another disgusting thing. Good luck guys. Thanks for all your advice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What else was it?
Another man?


----------



## sandc

DeadMan said:


> I give up guys I am done with her. I am sick she just confessed today another disgusting thing. Good luck guys. Thanks for all your advice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Aw crap. Now what did she do? Is this something she did recently or is she just letting the truth trickle out from what she did before? :scratchhead:


----------



## xakulax

DeadMan said:


> I give up guys I am done with her. I am sick she just confessed today another disgusting thing. Good luck guys. Thanks for all your advice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Op do whats best for you get away while the getting good


----------



## badmemory

DeadMan said:


> I give up guys I am done with her. I am sick she just confessed today another disgusting thing. Good luck guys. Thanks for all your advice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


DM,

There are a lot of BS's who go straight to D. They never come to TAM, they are sure of what they want to do, and they just do it.

If, after all the advice you've received, you are now in the category of "knowing" what you want to do, whether it's R or D; then I hope our advice has helped you to get there.

That's the place you want to be. Good luck.


----------



## happy as a clam

DeadMan... Just wondering what made her confess the next "disgusting thing." Did she confess it because she was reading the book about infidelity and thought she should? Or was it an argument and she spilled some more beans?

So sorry for what you are going through.


----------



## DeadMan

sandc said:


> Aw crap. Now what did she do? Is this something she did recently or is she just letting the truth trickle out from what she did before? :scratchhead:


She told me she used to tell him things like. "I am going to go homecafter you cane on my mouth and kiss my husband so he can lick the cum off my lips." Etc. Etc. Etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sandc

DeadMan said:


> She told me she used to tell him things like. "I am going to go homecafter you cane on my mouth and kiss my husband so he can lick the cum off my lips." Etc. Etc. Etc.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Excuse me? F that. That's just total disrepsect of you.


----------



## tom67

sandc said:


> Excuse me? F that. That's just total disrepsect of you.


Why the F is she telling you this?:wtf:
Sounds to me like she wants a divorce.
I don't get it.


----------



## badmemory

DeadMan said:


> She told me she used to tell him things like. "I am going to go homecafter you cane on my mouth and kiss my husband so he can lick the cum off my lips." Etc. Etc. Etc.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ugh yeah, I can see where you're coming from. (no pun intended).

That would be tough to live with. Makes me also wonder why she would admit that when she didn't have to.

This one's not a keeper Deadman.


----------



## 3putt

DeadMan said:


> She told me she used to tell him things like. "I am going to go homecafter you cane on my mouth and kiss my husband so he can lick the cum off my lips." Etc. Etc. Etc.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you freakin' kidding me?!?!


----------



## Cynthia

That is utterly disgusting. Did you ask for that information? If not, then she is not looking out for your well-being at all. That's really horrible. I am so sorry she has dishonored you like that.


----------



## 3putt

badmemory said:


> Ugh yeah, I can see where you're coming from. (no pun intended).
> 
> That would be tough to live with. Makes me also wonder why she would admit that when she didn't have to.
> 
> This one's not a keeper Deadman.


I guess the upside is we now know she's now telling the truth. You'd have to be half insane to make up something like that.

Whew!


----------



## po'drunk

I got nuthin, just an awkward brotherly supportive hug. sorry dawg


----------



## xakulax

DeadMan said:


> She told me she used to tell him things like. "I am going to go homecafter you cane on my mouth and kiss my husband so he can lick the cum off my lips." Etc. Etc. Etc.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



 :wtf: 



Oh my god OP just file for D as soon as possible trickle truth is in full effect and there probably more to come.


PS:Even a prostitute has more common sense and respect then that she's revolting


----------



## bandit.45

*D*


----------



## ThePheonix

CynthiaDe said:


> I am so sorry she has dishonored you like that.


The first time a spouse sez anything a lot less over the top than that comment, they have dishonored you. The second time it happens, you've dishonored yourself.


----------



## Cynthia

ThePheonix said:


> The first time a spouse sez anything a lot less over the top than that comment, they have dishonored you. The second time it happens, you've dishonored yourself.


I disagree. He cannot control what she says and how is he to know that she's going to come up with some sicko statement like what she made. It just made me gag when I read that. She is mean and disgusting. Yuck. Just yuck. To turn it back on him is obnoxious.


----------



## WhiteRaven

DeadMan said:


> She told me she used to tell him things like. "I am going to go homecafter you cane on my mouth and kiss my husband so he can lick the cum off my lips." Etc. Etc. Etc.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your wife is an extremely lucky woman to have married you. If she was my wife, D would have meant death for her.


----------



## GusPolinski

No way I could forgive a comment like that. Seriously, WTF was she even thinking?!? Actually saying that to OM would be bad enough, but actually admitting to it...AND REPEATING IT...ALOUD...TO YOU...?!?

Yeah, I'd be done. My very next interaction w/ her would involve divorce papers.


----------



## lenzi

DeadMan said:


> She told me she used to tell him things like. "I am going to go homecafter you cane on my mouth and kiss my husband so he can lick the cum off my lips."


She sounds very angry.


----------



## DeadMan

I cant answer everyone's questions at thus time this has made me real sick. You know what I am going twist this whole **** around I am so f-ing sick. I am going to have fun with this *****. I am going to make her suck a guys dic in front of me ha ha ha. Then after she is done ask her questions was this worth loosing me over and destroying the family? She is going to feel so fing low.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cynthia

DeadMan said:


> I cant answer everyone's questions at thus time this has made me real sick. You know what I am going twist this whole **** around I am so f-ing sick. I am going to have fun with this *****. I am going to make her suck a guys dic in front of me ha ha ha. Then after she is done ask her questions was this worth loosing me over and destroying the family? She is going to feel so fing low.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course it has made you sick. Thinking about her doing it again to someone is only going to make you feel more sick. Get the toxic thinking out of your mind. Get your mind around something else. Let go of what she said and think about something entirely different. Think about what you want your life to be and make a plan to get there. It's going to be okay, because you are going to move away from this mess and into a better life. Start today.


----------



## vellocet

DeadMan said:


> I cant answer everyone's questions at thus time this has made me real sick. You know what I am going twist this whole **** around I am so f-ing sick. I am going to have fun with this *****. I am going to make her suck a guys dic in front of me ha ha ha. Then after she is done ask her questions was this worth loosing me over and destroying the family? She is going to feel so fing low.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My man, I definitely understand the anger involved when married to a wh0re such as this.

But what you described above just isn't worth the effort.

Just see an attorney without her knowledge, if you already haven't (sorry, haven't read all in the thread), and then spring it on her when you and your attorney are ready and have prepared in advance. That way you'll be ahead of the game, she will have to scramble, and just sit back and enjoy the show.


----------



## tom67

vellocet said:


> My man, I definitely understand the anger involved when married to a wh0re such as this.
> 
> But what you described above just isn't worth the effort.
> 
> Just see an attorney without her knowledge, if you already haven't (sorry, haven't read all in the thread), and then spring it on her when you and your attorney are ready and have prepared in advance. That way you'll be ahead of the game, she will have to scramble, and just sit back and enjoy the show.


This^^^ and carry a voice activated recorder when interacting with her just to be safe from a false DV charge.


----------



## DeadMan

Man I am on fire. I have no choice at this time but to devorse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cynthia

DeadMan said:


> Man I am on fire. I have no choice at this time but to devorse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How did you respond to her when she said that?


----------



## 3putt

CynthiaDe said:


> How did you respond to her when she said that?


Probably like this....


----------



## turnera

So are you staying together or not? I can't tell.


----------



## tulsy

DeadMan said:


> Man I am on fire. I have no choice at this time but to devorse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then get on with it. What are you waiting for, more disgusting revelations?

If you've decided to divorce, take the day off and go talk to a lawyer. You gotta focus on something other than the affair, may as well focus on the divorce proceedings.

Stop talking...take action.


----------



## DeadMan

CynthiaDe said:


> How did you respond to her when she said that?


Think of a dragon with fire comming out it's mouth. :O
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## vellocet

DeadMan said:


> Man I am on fire. I have no choice at this time but to devorse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do it as I layed out above. Do not let her know you are doing it.

And when she does finally know, DO NOT talk to her about the divorce. Any questions or dealings just tell her to talk to your attorney, or have her attorney contact your attorney. The less you say to her the better.

And document everything that goes on so your attorney knows what is going on in case anything can be used against her. Keep a ledger with dates and times. Its a long shot that it will do any good seeing as how you are the male, but best to be prepared just in case.


----------



## Cynthia

DeadMan said:


> Think of a dragon with fire comming out it's mouth. :O
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can imagine. I think we are all in shock over that one. It's just so over the top toxic.


----------



## bandit.45

DeadMan said:


> I cant answer everyone's questions at thus time this has made me real sick. You know what I am going twist this whole **** around I am so f-ing sick. I am going to have fun with this *****. I am going to make her suck a guys dic in front of me ha ha ha. Then after she is done ask her questions was this worth loosing me over and destroying the family? She is going to feel so fing low.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Be carefule dude. This kind of thing has backfired on husbands. 

I don't know if you are being serious, but if you do share her with another guy, how do you know how she would react? 

How do you know how you would react?

She might get really turned on and enjoy the hell out of you and the other guy using her as a human toilet. 

Worse, YOU might get off on it and decide it is your new kink, then she ceases to be your wife and is nothing more than a live-in prostitute. 

It has happened before. Just saying....


----------



## happy as a clam

I would not go the route of coercing her into having sex with another man in front of you.

Take the high road. File for divorce. Get your revenge by serving her papers. Then get her the h*ll out of your life and move on.


----------



## DeadMan

Yea I going to calm down and get my mind together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ripper

Its already been said. File ASAP, carry a VAR everywhere, and post this "lady" on CheaterVille or something. Spread the word somehow so that the next poor soul at least knows he is walking into a propeller.


----------



## bandit.45

Ripper said:


> Its already been said. File ASAP, carry a VAR everywhere, and post this "lady" on CheaterVille or something. Spread the word somehow so that the next poor soul at least knows he is walking into a propeller.




That made me think of that scene in _*Raiders of the Lost Ark *_where the big German bald guy walks into the plane propeller. 

Sorry for the segue....continue....


----------



## Cynthia

DeadMan said:


> Yea I going to calm down and get my mind together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, please focus on getting your emotions stabilized. Your heart has been broken and you are just hit upside the head with a 2x4 from the woman you have loved. Your emotions have been blindsided. Do you have friends you can be with right now?


----------



## DeadMan

Spoke with my sister she told me to give her another chance. That for me to calm down. That my wife has made a huge error and is paying for it dearly. I dont know about that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happy as a clam

Stay the course Dead Man. Your sister doesn't have to live in your bed, YOU do. Follow your heart, not the advice of people who really aren't affected by this.


----------



## DeadMan

happy as a clam said:


> Stay the course Dead Man. Your sister doesn't have to live in your bed, YOU do. Follow your heart, not the advice of people who really aren't affected by this.


Yea man your right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nickgtg

DeadMan said:


> Spoke with my sister she told me to give her another chance. That for me to calm down. That my wife has made a huge error and is paying for it dearly. I dont know about that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ask your sister, if she's married, how she would feel about giving her husband a bj right after sex with another woman.


----------



## bandit.45

nickgtg said:


> Ask your sister, if she's married, how she would feel about giving her husband a bj right after sex with another woman.


Right there....


----------



## Cynthia

DeadMan said:


> Spoke with my sister she told me to give her another chance. That for me to calm down. That my wife has made a huge error and is paying for it dearly. I dont know about that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Telling you to calm down is good, but did you tell your sister what your wife just said? Your wife made a huge error in what she did, but what she said to you was horrific.
What was the circumstance under which your wife said that to you? What would compel her to make such a statement? Did she seem ashamed? I am having a difficult time wrapping my brain around this. It just makes me sick.


----------



## bandit.45

Dead Man your wife is a lost cause....zero fvcking morals....zero self-respect....disgusting. 

Get outta there man!


----------



## DeadMan

CynthiaDe said:


> Telling you to calm down is good, but did you tell your sister what your wife just said? Your wife made a huge error in what she did, but what she said to you was horrific.
> What was the circumstance under which your wife said that to you? What would compel her to make such a statement? Did she seem ashamed? I am having a difficult time wrapping my brain around this. It just makes me sick.


Because it's in the emails and she has no choice but to tell me. She is so afriad that I will get a court order to read them. So she does not want to look like she is hiding things or lieing shes trapped. Thats was her main form of communication with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

bandit.45 said:


> Dead Man your wife is a lost cause....zero fvcking morals....zero self-respect....disgusting.
> 
> Get outta there man!


Yea she knows that and I know shes garbage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

DeadMan said:


> Yea she knows that and I know shes garbage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Take her to India and have her join those nuns who wear the white and blue habits. 

Maybe after five years of giving lepers sponge baths and mopping up puke she might redeem herself. 

Ick!


----------



## Cynthia

Oh. I thought she said this to you. It's like a train wreck. You know it's ugly, but you can't stop looking. Why are you reading them?
Oh dear. I just feel your pain. If there is any part of you that want to reconcile, you have got to stop reading such dreadful things. You will have trouble ever getting it out of your head.
The thing is, this was done against you. When it was happening, she deliberately scorned you. It looks like she has some sort of rage against you. Where on earth did that come from? It’s mind boggling.


----------



## DeadMan

Shes a horny pig.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt

CynthiaDe said:


> Oh. I thought she said this to you. It's like a train wreck. You know it's ugly, but you can't stop looking. Why are you reading them?
> Oh dear. I just feel your pain. *If there is any part of you that want to reconcile,* you have got to stop reading such dreadful things. You will have trouble ever getting it out of your head.
> The thing is, this was done against you. When it was happening, she deliberately scorned you. It looks like she has some sort of rage against you. Where on earth did that come from? It’s mind boggling.


How could any self respecting man reconcile with this? Whew, this is as disgusting as it gets, IMO.

Feel bad for you, man. This is beyond the norm we see here.

Well, kinda....it's amazing (and demoralizing) what you see here.


----------



## Cynthia

3putt said:


> How could any self respecting man reconcile with this? Whew, this is as disgusting as it gets, IMO.


I do not know, but people are amazing in their capacity to forgive. I wouldn't fault him either way. He really has to choose, but at the moment, he just needs to calm down and get his wits back. After reading something like that, it just cuts you to the core.


----------



## 3putt

CynthiaDe said:


> I do not know, but people are amazing in their capacity to forgive. I wouldn't fault him either way. He really has to choose, but at the moment, he just needs to calm down and get his wits back. After reading something like that, it just cuts you to the core.


I agree he needs to calm down first, but this is beyond any capacity of forgiveness that most of us are capable of.

This is way over the top for someone like me.

Simply disgusting. Truly makes me want to vomit for him.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

DeadMan, does your Sister know about the disgusting thing your stbxw told you?...

I know it's nothing that you want to get around, but does she think that you should give the stbxw another chance, knowing what you were told about the... you know?

I can't image anyone suggesting that you owe her ANYTHING, including another chance, after she told you this...


----------



## Cynthia

3putt said:


> I agree he needs to calm down first, but this is beyond any capacity of forgiveness that most of us are capable of.
> 
> This is way over the top for someone like me.
> 
> Simply disgusting. Truly makes me want to vomit for him.


Me too. I felt like throwing up when I read it. My heart was broken and it has nothing to do with me at all. I just feel so terrible sometimes reading on here what people do to those who love them. It's just awful.


----------



## DeadMan

3putt said:


> How could any self respecting man reconcile with this? Whew, this is as disgusting as it gets, IMO.
> 
> Feel bad for you, man. This is beyond the norm we see here.
> 
> Well, kinda....it's amazing (and demoralizing) what you see here.


I got hit real hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> DeadMan, does your Sister know about the disgusting thing your stbxw told you?...
> 
> I know it's nothing that you want to get around, but does she think that you should give the stbxw another chance, knowing what you were told about the... you know?
> 
> I can't image anyone suggesting that you owe her ANYTHING, including another chance, after she told you this...


Yea I told her. She was like "she is a good mom to your kids and all". Yada yada yada.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happy as a clam

Ok DeadMan... so what are you gonna do? In or out?


----------



## ceejay93

DeadMan said:


> I cant answer everyone's questions at thus time this has made me real sick. You know what I am going twist this whole **** around I am so f-ing sick. I am going to have fun with this *****. I am going to make her suck a guys dic in front of me ha ha ha. Then after she is done ask her questions was this worth loosing me over and destroying the family? She is going to feel so fing low.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Or you could file for divorce, serve her, and run away from her!

Didn't think it was possible to be so revolted by a single comment but your wife is a kunt.


----------



## Nucking Futs

DeadMan said:


> Yea I told her. She was like "she is a good mom to your kids and all". Yada yada yada.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think I'd waste much time with your sister anymore either. If she thinks you should be able to get over this she has a screw loose.


----------



## convert

How did this come out (no pun intended)?
How did she tell you this?
was she trying to punish you?
were you asking for more details or did she just bring this up?
did you find it in a text message?


I just don't get it.
I sensed that you were leaning somewhat toward R but this certainly changed things


----------



## okeydokie

This is almost unbelievable


----------



## lenzi

okeydokie said:


> This is almost unbelievable


Most stories that start with very descriptive sex acts turn out to be a complete fabrication.

Just say'en.


----------



## DeadMan

My wife took the crown of the ****s.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

lenzi said:


> Most stories that start with very descriptive sex acts turn out to be a complete fabrication.
> 
> Just say'en.


Are you out of your mind? Ill PM you my number we can talk about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

convert said:


> How did this come out (no pun intended)?
> How did she tell you this?
> was she trying to punish you?
> were you asking for more details or did she just bring this up?
> did you find it in a text message?
> 
> 
> I just don't get it.
> I sensed that you were leaning somewhat toward R but this certainly changed things


Stupid me asked her out of curiosity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

ceejay93 said:


> Or you could file for divorce, serve her, and run away from her!
> 
> Didn't think it was possible to be so revolted by a single comment but your wife is a kunt.


Thank you she sure is. And it hurts me to think she is the mother of my 2 kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cantthinkstraight

DeadMan, I know your anger, bro.

Trust me. I was there...

It's not worth it. She's not worth it. And by that, I mean any more
of your energy. Whether it be good or bad.

You need to cut your losses and work on yourself.

Immediately.

The woman you loved and married is dead and gone.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Time to move on with a better life.


----------



## Luvmyjava

Deadman...

I read most of the thread...

Here's my advice..

Go read my thread:
It's long, but if you read it, you may see that I also experienced pain, anger, and felt just as awful as you.
However, I took the time for some deep soul searching, and listened to the advice here at TAM. I eventually learned to turn the other way (it wasn't easy), and realize that I COULD DO BETTER.. Nothing to do with her.

MOVE ON!!

Read my thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-confessed-how-handle-her-romps-loverboy.html


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

DeadMan said:


> Yea I told her. She was like "she is a good mom to your kids and all". Yada yada yada.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well I can understand that your Sister doesn't want to see your family broken apart, but in light of what you were told, I would expect her to realize why you want to split.

I don't think she understand how this would effect a man and his decision of whether to D, or R.

Btw, about what your WS said. I think it's more common than any of us would like to believe. The WS isn't concerned about the BS, so doesn't care. Or worse, has done the same thing with the intent of degrading the husband. After all, they aren't cheating because there happy with the husband at the time.

But very few would actually come out and say it. They would just lie like they have already been doing. They wouldn't want anyone but the OM to know that they're "that kind of girl".

I'm sorry that you are going through this DeadMan.


----------



## convert

did she actually do what she talked about? did it happen or was it just talk?
I guess it really does not matter.


----------



## warlock07

DeadMan said:


> Shes a horny pig.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hopefully someone is not getting off on cuckold fantasies.


----------



## cool12

warlock07 said:


> Hopefully someone is not getting off on cuckold fantasies.


yeah, this thread makes me feel like i need a shower.


----------



## convert

cool12 said:


> yeah, this thread makes me feel like i need a shower.


 Oh my gosh Cool12 you are not talking about a golden shower are you...... LOL


----------



## cool12

gross! now i really need a shower!
lol


----------



## Cynthia

cool12 said:


> gross! now i really need a shower!
> lol


Me too. Yucky.


----------



## lenzi

DeadMan said:


> Are you out of your mind? Ill PM you my number we can talk about it.


OK.


----------



## ThePheonix

DeadMan said:


> Yea I told her. She was like "she is a good mom to your kids and all". Yada yada yada.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Well I can understand that your Sister doesn't want to see your family broken apart, but in light of what you were told, I would expect her to realize why you want to split.


DM your sister seems to have extremely keen judgement. Now that she brought it to light, it certainly opened my eyes what an excellent role model your wife is for your kids.


----------



## manticore

DeadMan said:


> Yea I told her. She was like "she is a good mom to your kids and all". Yada yada yada.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


she can keep being a good mother without being your wife, she lost that privilege the moment she took another man as partner for intimacy.

Deadman your posts always seem to me as full of anger and disdain (which is good, better to vent here that at home), my only advice is that if your are going to reconcile do it for the right reasons.

not because your family insist that is the right thing to do, not for the kids, not because a religious leader think that is what Jesus wants, not for financial reasons. If you are going to stay and try to rebuild your marriage do it because you love her and because you honestly believe that you will be able to overcome her betrayal and be at least as happy as you were before her betrayal, anything else is forcing yourself to go against your nature.

I don't understand why some people still believe that having to two unhappy parents and a disfuctional family together is better than two divorced parents doing their best in optimal conditions.


----------



## Cynthia

manticore said:


> I don't understand why some people still believe that having to two unhappy parents and a disfuctional family together is better than two divorced parents doing their best in optimal conditions.


I don't know anyone who thinks this way.
I am an extremely forgiving person. I have forgiven much in my life and believe it is healthy to forgive, not only for the other person, but so that bitterness and unforgiveness doesn't poison my soul. I don't believe this means that I have to continue in relationship with the person who has hurt me and have cut off several important people close to me. So I get not continuing in relationship with someone that is hurting me.
However, I also believe strongly that children are much better off in an intact family and that if the other person is willing to truly turn and go the other way and to work through the hurt they have caused and to make things right and start something new and healthy, then it is best, imo, to try.
But (and this a big one), the offending party has to truly turn away from the entire mindset that brought about their attitude and behavior in the first place. They have to be willing to do the work and not expect much in return until they have fully proven themselves. When that happens, it can be a beautiful thing. Even if the relationship ends forever, the thing that person did will never go away. May as well try to work through it and heal.
Edited to add:
I don't think it is a requirement to try to restore a marriage under those circumstances when someone does something so utterly devastating that it is reasonable to just say no to staying in relationship, but I also don't think a person is a fool to try if they want to.


----------



## Squeakr

manticore said:


> I don't understand why some people still believe that having to two unhappy parents and a disfuctional family together is better than two divorced parents doing their best in optimal conditions.


I don't understand how people believe that divorcing always leads to "optimal" and better situations. In the case where the home and possessions are divided and sold, and the family goes from a safe environment to living in cramped and strapped conditions (as the D stripped all resources and destroyed the family and bonds) with no extra funds for anything (food, shelter, clothing, etc) is always a better option? It is the same reason that people stay in jobs they hate because it provides for their families future and safety. Sometimes we have to swallow our pride and make the best of the current situation.


----------



## VFW

Firstly don't let anyone talk you into staying or divorcing, these are decisions that you and you alone must make. You have learned some very disturbing things about your spouse and obviously clear reason to divorce, yet I believe that most relationships can be fixed, if both of you work to fix the problems. 

Assuming that your wife has cut all contact with POSOM and wants to reconcile, then I recommend a couple of things. Firstly, seek legal counsel to determine your legal rights. You don't have to file, but need to understand your legal rights. Secondly that you get into counseling to see if you can start to rebuild the relationship or come to terms with dissolving the relationship.

Just remember, don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. If you ask and she answers honestly, you can't crucify her for the answer. Some people aren't able to forgive and have to move on with life. Divorce is always an option, you don't have to rush to judgement.


----------



## turnera

If she's acting 100% remorseful, you're getting more than most BHs get; remember that. And there IS a possibility that the person she turned into during her affair was not her, not the real person, that she was so addicted with the thrill that she turned into an alter ego, one she is horrified about and would never ever turn into again.

I am NOT saying that's true, just that it's a possibility. So if there's anything in you that wants to keep your marriage, please just give it time. No reason to make a decision right now.


----------



## DeadMan

Squeakr said:


> I don't understand how people believe that divorcing always leads to "optimal" and better situations. In the case where the home and possessions are divided and sold, and the family goes from a safe environment to living in cramped and strapped conditions (as the D stripped all resources and destroyed the family and bonds) with no extra funds for anything (food, shelter, clothing, etc) is always a better option? It is the same reason that people stay in jobs they hate because it provides for their families future and safety. Sometimes we have to swallow our pride and make the best of the current situation.


This is so true. I dont want to pull the trigger yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

VFW said:


> Firstly don't let anyone talk you into staying or divorcing, these are decisions that you and you alone must make. You have learned some very disturbing things about your spouse and obviously clear reason to divorce, yet I believe that most relationships can be fixed, if both of you work to fix the problems.
> 
> Assuming that your wife has cut all contact with POSOM and wants to reconcile, then I recommend a couple of things. Firstly, seek legal counsel to determine your legal rights. You don't have to file, but need to understand your legal rights. Secondly that you get into counseling to see if you can start to rebuild the relationship or come to terms with dissolving the relationship.
> 
> Just remember, don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. If you ask and she answers honestly, you can't crucify her for the answer. Some people aren't able to forgive and have to move on with life. Divorce is always an option, you don't have to rush to judgement.


I thank you for this information made me fell better inside.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

turnera said:


> If she's acting 100% remorseful, you're getting more than most BHs get; remember that. And there IS a possibility that the person she turned into during her affair was not her, not the real person, that she was so addicted with the thrill that she turned into an alter ego, one she is horrified about and would never ever turn into again.
> 
> I am NOT saying that's true, just that it's a possibility. So if there's anything in you that wants to keep your marriage, please just give it time. No reason to make a decision right now.


Yes I will wait and see. Feel her out and see if she's going back to that crap again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

manticore said:


> she can keep being a good mother without being your wife, she lost that privilege the moment she took another man as partner for intimacy.
> 
> Deadman your posts always seem to me as full of anger and disdain (which is good, better to vent here that at home), my only advice is that if your are going to reconcile do it for the right reasons.
> 
> not because your family insist that is the right thing to do, not for the kids, not because a religious leader think that is what Jesus wants, not for financial reasons. If you are going to stay and try to rebuild your marriage do it because you love her and because you honestly believe that you will be able to overcome her betrayal and be at least as happy as you were before her betrayal, anything else is forcing yourself to go against your nature.
> 
> I don't understand why some people still believe that having to two unhappy parents and a disfuctional family together is better than two divorced parents doing their best in optimal conditions.


I agree with you 100%
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

CynthiaDe said:


> I don't know anyone who thinks this way.
> I am an extremely forgiving person. I have forgiven much in my life and believe it is healthy to forgive, not only for the other person, but so that bitterness and unforgiveness doesn't poison my soul. I don't believe this means that I have to continue in relationship with the person who has hurt me and have cut off several important people close to me. So I get not continuing in relationship with someone that is hurting me.
> However, I also believe strongly that children are much better off in an intact family and that if the other person is willing to truly turn and go the other way and to work through the hurt they have caused and to make things right and start something new and healthy, then it is best, imo, to try.
> But (and this a big one), the offending party has to truly turn away from the entire mindset that brought about their attitude and behavior in the first place. They have to be willing to do the work and not expect much in return until they have fully proven themselves. When that happens, it can be a beautiful thing. Even if the relationship ends forever, the thing that person did will never go away. May as well try to work through it and heal.
> Edited to add:
> I don't think it is a requirement to try to restore a marriage under those circumstances when someone does something so utterly devastating that it is reasonable to just say no to staying in relationship, but I also don't think a person is a fool to try if they want to.


Thank you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

nickgtg said:


> Ask your sister, if she's married, how she would feel about giving her husband a bj right after sex with another woman.


My sister is married and her husband cheated on her they are still together 20 years already. They did go for counseling. Thats y I asked her for some advice and opinions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Squeakr

DeadMan said:


> My sister is married and her husband cheated on her they are still together 20 years already. They did go for counseling. Thats y I asked her for some advice and opinions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And now you have found out first hand that not everyone deals with cheating and infidelity the same ways, nor feel the same level of betrayal or degradation, even when raised within the same family (I know my sister and I have totally different opinions with regard to infidelity and forgiveness).


----------



## manticore

Squeakr said:


> I don't understand how people believe that divorcing always leads to "optimal" and better situations. In the case where the home and possessions are divided and sold, and the family goes from a safe environment to living in cramped and strapped conditions (as the D stripped all resources and destroyed the family and bonds) with no extra funds for anything (food, shelter, clothing, etc) is always a better option? It is the same reason that people stay in jobs they hate because it provides for their families future and safety. Sometimes we have to swallow our pride and make the best of the current situation.


that is your opinion and have its valid points, but as the child of a couple that went trough infidelity, in which one of the parts never really forgave the act but for some twisted reason wanted to stay married and made home environment as horrible as hell to the WS and her own kids for years and the other part that didn't wanted to stay there but stayed for his kids, I am a firm supporter of divorce, I would have not gave a damn about living in a smaller home or having less material possessions if I could have saved those 4 years of my life that easily can say that were the worst of my life and that lead me to run away for home.

so no I don't care about the financial aspect I care about the psychological side.

unless the reconciliation is done under the best conditions (truly remorseful WS and and a BS willing to honestly forgive and try to work in the relationship) I will never support it.


----------



## turnera

OTOH, my parents split because my dad cheated but no one ever told me. I took on the blame, as children do. And became a doormat because I thought my mom was one, letting my dad leave. It wasn't until I was about 45 that I learned that she kicked him out for cheating and refused to let him come home. The decades of crappy life I could have avoided if I'd just known that...


----------



## DeadMan

How could I allow someone I love shoot me 100+ times in the face and they ran out of bullets and be their friend or love them after that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

That's something you should work out in therapy.


----------



## cantthinkstraight

DeadMan said:


> How could I allow someone I love shoot me 100+ times in the face and they ran out of bullets and be their friend or love them after that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly.

Could you?

That's a question only YOU can answer, my friend.

Everyone here can give you solid advice but in the end, it's you
who has to make the tough decisions.

It's something that I resented about my FWEW... that she got to go
out and do what she did, yet all of our time together seemed to
hinge on not what she did, but more so what I was going to be
okay with moving forward.

Deep down I knew I wouldn't be able to live with myself had
I accepted what she had done as just a mistake. No, it was much
more devious and cold blooded than that. It took me over 8 months
of false R, but I soon realized that she wasn't a good enough
person to suffer over.

Stay strong.


----------



## Cynthia

DeadMan said:


> How could I allow someone I love shoot me 100+ times in the face and they ran out of bullets and be their friend or love them after that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Only is she takes full responsibility for what she did and nurtures you back to health.


----------



## Ripper

Where is the red line people? Forgiveness is all good, but some things shouldn't be tolerated. 

Trying to just look past something like this will shred your sense of self-worth and possibly even your sanity.

On the totem pole of life, my opinion ranks between whale sh*t and syphilis. Having said that, OP don't walk.....run for the exit.


----------



## Cynthia

Ripper said:


> Where is the red line people? Forgiveness is all good, but some things shouldn't be tolerated.
> 
> Trying to just look past something like this will shred your sense of self-worth and possibly even your sanity.
> 
> On the totem pole of life, my opinion ranks between whale sh*t and syphilis. Having said that, OP don't walk.....run for the exit.


We simply do not agree. That's okay. No one is saying that he should look the other way and move on as if nothing has happened. He is not ready to say that it's over and some of us, me included, will support him whichever way he decides. There is no shame in working toward reconciliation with a truly repentant spouse.


----------



## cantthinkstraight

Sometimes all the repentance in the world just isn't enough.

When the damage is done and that cord is cut, it's cut for good and
there's simply no return. 

There are just certain things that you don't (and can't) recover from, especially when
you have to look the cheater in the eye every day forward, knowing what they
did to you.

I can tell from his posts that it's eating him alive.

I was in the same spot he was a year and a half ago and want him to survive this
for his sake. That's a greater priority than saving his marriage at this point in time.

I didn't feel any relief of anger until I kicked my FWEW out. While it was the last resort,
and something I never thought I'd ever have to do to the person I cherished the most...
It was either that, or continue to kill myself slowly from the inside out.

Sometimes you have to choose your own sanity over their insanity.


----------



## Squeakr

manticore said:


> that is your opinion and have its valid points, but as the child of a couple that went trough infidelity, in which one of the parts never really forgave the act but for some twisted reason wanted to stay married and made home environment as horrible as hell to the WS and her own kids for years and the other part that didn't wanted to stay there but stayed for his kids, I am a firm supporter of divorce, I would have not gave a damn about living in a smaller home or having less material possessions if I could have saved those 4 years of my life that easily can say that were the worst of my life and that lead me to run away for home.
> 
> so no I don't care about the financial aspect I care about the psychological side.
> 
> unless the reconciliation is done under the best conditions (truly remorseful WS and and a BS willing to honestly forgive and try to work in the relationship) I will never support it.


As with everything there is always no absolute which is why I offered my "opinion" as not every environment is always toxic and detrimental. 

In your situation (and anyone that is in such a situation), I can definitely see that living in that toxic environment can be very detrimental to the children, but not all environments are that toxic or your experience. 

In my current situation, it is essentially an environment where we are both there for the kids and otherwise we are nothing more than room mates. We barely speak, so fighting is not a priority nor really an option. If we are to separate, it would require selling the home, and both of us living in apartments, which in itself is not a bad idea, just that we must separate to even start the D (as my state requires separate addresses for 1 year before any D can even be filed for). By the time had expended, we would both be financially wiped out as the housing market is not good where we are and neither can afford the home on their own (so risk of foreclosure would be eminent at that point). It is not a matter of having material things in this case, but necessities (as it will be hard to provide food, utilities, and shelter in the interim at our current salaries, and new jobs are not an option at this time). We get by when it is a two income household but would wither when it is a only a single income household. Without any family (literally none) to rely on for help (we have never had anyone for support, help, or anything else and have been going it alone our entire lives) it isn't as cut and dried as people think. SO in our case it is best to maintain the status quo at this time and live as room mates until some debt is paid down and situations are better to move on.

Since not all situations are black and white, I don't always think that one definite answer meets all needs.


----------



## TopsyTurvy5

Again, I have no idea how the OP could stick around after everything that has happened and been said. I'd be gone.


----------



## okeydokie

TopsyTurvy5 said:


> Again, I have no idea how the OP could stick around after everything that has happened and been said. I'd be gone.


Agree completely. Especially given the fact that not only did she cheat, she did thing she wasn't willing to do with her own husband and if it was to happen in my house, I would be footing the entire bill as it was happening. I would go for the jugular


----------



## WhiteRaven

DeadMan said:


> How could I allow someone I love shoot me 100+ times in the face and they ran out of bullets and be their friend or love them after that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is no her anymore. Only you. Do what you need for yourself. Leave her, if you can.


----------



## Luvmyjava

WhiteRaven said:


> There is no her anymore. Only you. Do what you need for yourself. Leave her, if you can.


Agree 100%

You will NEVER forget what took place... As much as you think you will, you won't. You will forever look over her shoulder, and wonder..

You need to fix YOU. Move on, my friend.. If you have that much passion to offer your wife, just think how much another woman may appreciate what you have to offer.


----------



## Cynthia

Redemption and Forgiveness

I have been thinking a lot about this thread. There seems to be so much bitterness after the one who is supposed to love you with all their heart and completely join their life to you has betrayed your well-being on every level. It is understandable how it would be impossible to both forgive and to try again with the betrayer.
However, as a Christian, my perspective is one of redemption. I do not believe that once a betrayer, always a betrayer. I believe that people can be redeemed and can become someone new through the power of forgiveness and mercy. This is not available for everyone, because not everyone will be able to move on with someone who has basically incinerated their heart, even if that person has humbled herself to the point of true change and a focus on the well-being of the one she has betrayed to nurture him back to health from the broken state she caused. I don’t know how it would be possible for such a person to truly repent or for a person to move forward in healing towards someone who had done that to them other than through the power of God. I have seen it and I have lived it, but only through the power of God.
What it really comes down to is redemption. I have a great love for people, even people who have deeply hurt me. I have been very hurt by several people close to me, but I have forgiven and participated in the redemption of some of those people. Not all were committed to change. One actually died of a hard heart at age 53. (Cardiac fibrosis is a hardening of the fibers of the heart. This caused arrhythmia and the heart simple stopped beating, leading to death.) 
I love to see people healed. I love to see people change into someone new and better and to see their eyes opened to the truth of who they were and who they can become. I believe in it, otherwise I would be hopeless.
I look back on my past, when I was young, and all the stupid things I believed and how I acted on those things from a completely and utterly self-centered point of view, but as I have grown, my perspective has radically changed. The way that I relate to others is completely different than it used to be and the more I engage in learning and the growing, the more able I am to forgive and to love those who hurt me. If those people continue to hurt me, I try to resolve it and if they are unwilling to do what it takes to be a safe person, I move away and cut them off, but when they are ready to enter into repentance and redemption, I am there to walk through it with them. This has made me into such a strong person, not relying on others for my self-worth, but knowing that I am of value and I can give without depleting who I am as a person. If I cannot do that, then I know that the relationship is not healthy for me.
I believe that we are each responsible for our own personal health. If we are in relationship with someone who is damaging our health (physically, mentally/emotionally or spiritually) that it is good to move away, if that person refuses to do her part to make the relationship healthy, and in extreme cases to cut that person off entirely. Therefore if a person is unable to move away from what someone has done to hurt them, if it continues to hurt and deplete that person, it is best to separate from the one who is causing the hurt, but if one is strong enough to walk through redemption with someone who is dedicated to repentance, that will strengthen both the betrayer and the betrayed. When this is lived out in a marriage with the children watching, the children can learn strong, healthy boundaries and develop a deep sense of security.


----------



## DeadMan

Squeakr said:


> As with everything there is always no absolute which is why I offered my "opinion" as not every environment is always toxic and detrimental.
> 
> In your situation (and anyone that is in such a situation), I can definitely see that living in that toxic environment can be very detrimental to the children, but not all environments are that toxic or your experience.
> 
> In my current situation, it is essentially an environment where we are both there for the kids and otherwise we are nothing more than room mates. We barely speak, so fighting is not a priority nor really an option. If we are to separate, it would require selling the home, and both of us living in apartments, which in itself is not a bad idea, just that we must separate to even start the D (as my state requires separate addresses for 1 year before any D can even be filed for). By the time had expended, we would both be financially wiped out as the housing market is not good where we are and neither can afford the home on their own (so risk of foreclosure would be eminent at that point). It is not a matter of having material things in this case, but necessities (as it will be hard to provide food, utilities, and shelter in the interim at our current salaries, and new jobs are not an option at this time). We get by when it is a two income household but would wither when it is a only a single income household. Without any family (literally none) to rely on for help (we have never had anyone for support, help, or anything else and have been going it alone our entire lives) it isn't as cut and dried as people think. SO in our case it is best to maintain the status quo at this time and live as room mates until some debt is paid down and situations are better to move on.
> 
> Since not all situations are black and white, I don't always think that one definite answer meets all needs.


This is so true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

cantthinkstraight said:


> Sometimes all the repentance in the world just isn't enough.
> 
> When the damage is done and that cord is cut, it's cut for good and
> there's simply no return.
> 
> There are just certain things that you don't (and can't) recover from, especially when
> you have to look the cheater in the eye every day forward, knowing what they
> did to you.
> 
> I can tell from his posts that it's eating him alive.
> 
> I was in the same spot he was a year and a half ago and want him to survive this
> for his sake. That's a greater priority than saving his marriage at this point in time.
> 
> I didn't feel any relief of anger until I kicked my FWEW out. While it was the last resort,
> and something I never thought I'd ever have to do to the person I cherished the most...
> It was either that, or continue to kill myself slowly from the inside out.
> 
> Sometimes you have to choose your own sanity over their insanity.


You are on the money with this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## The Middleman

CynthiaDe said:


> Only is she takes full responsibility for what she did and nurtures you back to health.



Not even then sometimes.


----------



## Ripper

If you survive one knife in the back, don't wait around for another one.


----------



## WhiteRaven

Ripper said:


> If you survive one knife in the back, don't wait around for another one.


Stab me once, shame on you. Stab me twice... sheesh, I'm dumb.


----------



## Squeakr

WhiteRaven said:


> Stab me once, shame on you. Stab me twice... sheesh, I'm dumb.


Or just really slow and bad at defending yourself!!


----------



## WhiteRaven

Squeakr said:


> Or just really slow and bad at defending yourself!!


Be a cactus. Munch on me, will you?


----------



## Cynthia

WhiteRaven said:


> Stab me once, shame on you. Stab me twice... sheesh, I'm dumb.


I think this is one of those dumb phrases that people buy into, live their lives by and are the worse for it. This would mean that when anyone hurt you, it would be over, not more relationship. Where does it end! I choose not to live my live in such a shallow manner.

It's no fun to live life in bitterness and self-protection. I refuse to live like that.


----------



## Squeakr

CynthiaDe said:


> I think this is one of those dumb phrases that people buy into, live their lives by and are the worse for it. This would mean that when anyone hurt you, it would be over, not more relationship. Where does it end! I choose not to live my live in such a shallow manner.
> 
> It's no fun to live life in bitterness and self-protection. I refuse to live like that.


True, but it is also no fun to live life as the neighborhood doormat or door knob where everyone takes a turn and walks all over you. Everyone has to have their limits.


----------



## Cynthia

Squeakr said:


> True, but it is also no fun to live life as the neighborhood doormat or door knob where everyone takes a turn and walks all over you. Everyone has to have their limits.


Having boundaries and limits is entirely different than writing off someone who has hurt you, just to make sure they don't do it again. It is highly simplistic to live like that. Life is much richer and more complicated than ditching those who hurt you, so they don't ever do it again. People hurt each other. The degree will vary, but humans are imperfect.


----------



## Squeakr

CynthiaDe said:


> Having boundaries and limits is entirely different than writing off someone who has hurt you, just to make sure they don't do it again. It is highly simplistic to live like that. Life is much richer and more complicated than ditching those who hurt you, so they don't ever do it again. People hurt each other. The degree will vary, but humans are imperfect.


Sometimes simplistic is what is needed and the simpler the better. What works for you doesn't always work for everyone. Not all of us feel that we need to be friends and play nice with everyone. It is this variety that makes each unique and the world an interesting place (IMHO). 

Most of us don't see infidelity as being "hurt". We are betrayed and crushed to the very soul that we lived by. I have seen and felt more hurt and pain in my life than a person needs to (Death, War, Abandonment, Infidelity, etc) and the betrayal by a spouse is by far the worst and most soul crushing and demeaning thing that I have ever experienced. Sorry but I don't feel that I need to just give them a bye and live and play nice with them after they blatantly did their destruction with no concern for me or my family. I would be doing my family an unjust if I didn't protect them from this devastating pain. 

I was always trained with the philosophies of "pain is a sign of weakness leaving the body" and "No Pain, No Gain"! Now I live with the motto, "No Pain, Good!! At some point enough is enough and no one should have to live life with such pain, as it is too short.


----------



## bandit.45

CynthiaDe said:


> Having boundaries and limits is entirely different than writing off someone who has hurt you, just to make sure they don't do it again. It is highly simplistic to live like that. Life is much richer and more complicated than ditching those who hurt you, so they don't ever do it again. People hurt each other. The degree will vary, but humans are imperfect.


I will have to disagree with you there Cynthia... even though I understand your theory.

For the past two years I have pretty much removed myself from all of the negative people in my life.... people who's motives are selfish and self serving. People who's words and actions dragged me down, made me feel bad about myself and less than a human.

I can say I am much happier now. I want simplicity. Having a simple life doesn't mean it has to be boring or lacking in adventure. Some of those I let go were people I loved dearly. 

I don't need complications in my life. I get one shot at this thing called life and I don't need dead weight.


----------



## Squeakr

bandit.45 said:


> I will have to disagree with you there Cynthia... even though I understand your theory.
> 
> For the past two years I have pretty much removed myself from all of the negative people in my life.... people who's motives are selfish and self serving. People who's words and actions dragged me down, made me feel bad about myself and less than a human.
> 
> I can say I am much happier now. I want simplicity. Having a simple life doesn't mean it has to be boring or lacking in adventure. Some of those I let go were people I loved dearly.
> 
> I don't need complications in my life. I get one shot at this thing called life and I don't need dead weight.


QFT!!! :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Cynthia

I don't usually stay in relationship with people that are hurting me. I talk to them about what they are doing and ask them to stop. If they don't, I generally cut them off. If they come back and are willing to do what it takes to resolve the issues, I will work with them. I don't believe in being a target or a doormat.
There are instances where I would remain in relationship with someone that is hurting me, but only if it was in the best interest of someone I am responsible for. For example, I would never leave a child alone with an abuser. If I could not get the child away with me, I would stay to protect the child.


----------



## Ripper

Its not like she wrecked his car or accidentally burnt down the house. This was a calculated purposeful act of deceit and betrayal over a period of time.

Line up for one of those "sticky" kisses and then we will talk about forgiveness.


----------



## Squeakr

Ripper said:


> Its not like she wrecked his car or accidentally burnt down the house. This was a calculated purposeful act of deceit and betrayal over a period of time.
> 
> Line up for one of those "sticky" kisses and then we will talk about forgiveness.


:smthumbup::lol::lol::rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## WhiteRaven

CynthiaDe said:


> I think this is one of those dumb phrases that people buy into, live their lives by and are the worse for it. This would mean that when anyone hurt you, it would be over, not more relationship. Where does it end! I choose not to live my live in such a shallow manner.
> 
> It's no fun to live life in bitterness and self-protection. I refuse to live like that.


So how many chances should be given to an adulterous spouse? In my world, 1 is enough. How many in your world?


----------



## Cynthia

WhiteRaven said:


> So how many chances should be given to an adulterous spouse? In my world, 1 is enough. How many in your world?


My point is that it is a personal choice. People have to make up their own minds. I think it's wrong to tell someone that they are foolish, stupid, asking for it, etc. if they give their spouse another chance. I also think each situation is different.

Edited to be perfectly clear:
If he wants to end it over this, that is perfectly acceptable and reasonable.
If he wants to work through it with his wife, he should be able to do that without being treated like an idiot.
There are many marriages where adultery has taken place and the couple works through the issues and resolves them, rather than taking those same issues into a new relationship. People should not be faulted for that.


----------



## Squeakr

CynthiaDe said:


> My point is that it is a personal choice. People have to make up their own minds. I think it's wrong to tell someone that they are foolish, stupid, asking for it, etc. if they give their spouse another chance. I also think each situation is different.
> 
> Edited to be perfectly clear:
> If he wants to end it over this, that is perfectly acceptable and reasonable.
> If he wants to work through it with his wife, he should be able to do that without being treated like an idiot.
> There are many marriages where adultery has taken place and the couple works through the issues and resolves them, rather than taking those same issues into a new relationship. People should not be faulted for that.


I completely agree with this sentiment. 

I guess I had a different take on your previous statements, as I was reading it as others seemed to have done, which is don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, but for many of us it is one and done. It seems you are now saying that is okay if that is how "we" choose to live? I am confused now. :scratchhead:


----------



## bandit.45

I believe in giving people second chances for many things....

I can forgive a murderer for killing my friend, but that doesn't mean I want to let him out of prison. I could probably forgive an employee for embezzling money, but that doesn't mean I have to continue employing him. 

Deadman can forgive his wife for the godawful things she has done to him (and herself), and he can maybe learn to be friends with her again one day and be a cordial co-parent with her for their kids. But he doesn't have to stay married to her or trust his heart to her again.


----------



## Cynthia

Squeakr said:


> I completely agree with this sentiment.
> 
> I guess I had a different take on your previous statements, as I was reading it as others seemed to have done, which is don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, but for many of us it is one and done. It seems you are now saying that is okay if that is how "we" choose to live? I am confused now. :scratchhead:


Maybe you are seeing my posts as saying that a person has to give someone another chance. That's not what I'm saying. What I am saying is that I believe in forgiveness and redemption, but not everyone is able to do that. There is great hope for working with someone who is truly wanting to restore the person she has harmed, but that doesn't mean she has a right to it and it doesn't mean that the betrayed is obligated to work through it with the person who has betrayed him.
In my own life, I have had great satisfaction from working through betrayal and painful experiences with the person who hurt me. But on several occasions that was after I had cut the person off and they came back willing to make the changes necessary.
Life is crazy. I have some crazy stories of my crazy life, but when I tried to write it out, it was way too long and complicated. I should write a book. I'll let you all know when it's out. lol


----------



## Cynthia

bandit.45 said:


> I believe in giving people second chances for many things....
> 
> I can forgive a murderer for killing my friend, but that doesn't mean I want to let him out of prison. I could probably forgive an employee for embezzling money, but that doesn't mean I have to continue employing him.
> 
> Deadman can forgive his wife for the godawful things she has done to him (and herself), and he can maybe learn to be friends with her again one day and be a cordial co-parent with her for their kids. But he doesn't have to stay married to her or trust his heart to her again.


I agree with this 100%. My point is that he has a right to make a choice and he should not faulted for it if he decided to work through it. It may be hopeless, but we should not assume that. It is for him to decide.


----------



## bandit.45

I want Deadman to understand I mean no disrespect for the following statement. 

Given her behavior and the things she has done, I think Deadman's wife is at the very least a closet hosefreak, if not a run-of-the-mill ho. And if he does separate or divorce from her, he needs to prepare himself for the possibility that the moment he lets go of her leash, she's probably going right back to the OM....

or...

she will be catting around, throwing her legs up for every Tom, D!ck and Harry in town. 

I just want Deadman to steel himself for that possibility.


----------



## Cynthia

Sadly that is a possibility. Any direction Deadman takes should be done with eyes wide open and treading carefully. Despite my strong beliefs regarding forgiveness and redemption, I don't believe it is healthy to throw oneself back into the fire. It is important to set firm, healthy boundaries whatever he decides. She has proven herself to not be a safe person. If she wants to become a safe person, it will take a lot of work on her part. If she doesn't want to live within the boundaries of a healthy relationship, I hope that Deadman will be able to recognize that and proceed accordingly.


----------



## Want2babettrme

Ripper said:


> Its not like she wrecked his car or accidentally burnt down the house. This was a calculated purposeful act of deceit and betrayal over a period of time.
> 
> Line up for one of those "sticky" kisses and then we will talk about forgiveness.



What are the "sticky" kisses you refer to above? 

Sorry, I must be dense.


----------



## xakulax

bandit.45 said:


> I want Deadman to understand I mean no disrespect for the following statement.
> 
> Given her behavior and the things she has done, I think Deadman's wife is at the very least a closet hosefreak, if not a run-of-the-mill ho. And if he does separate or divorce from her, he needs to prepare himself for the possibility that the moment he lets go of her leash, she's probably going right back to the OM....
> 
> or...
> 
> she will be catting around, throwing her legs up for every Tom, **** and Harry in town.
> 
> I just want Deadman to steel himself for that possibility.



:iagree:

Yeah I would say it's a high probability she's hyper sexual with no self control I would bet she has a past history extreme sexual behavior weather stay or go OP you need to do some digging about her past.


----------



## tom67

xakulax said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Yeah I would say it's a high probability she's hyper sexual with no self control I would bet she has a past history extreme sexual behavior weather stay or go OP you need to do some digging about her past.


Sounds like childhood sex abuse.


----------



## CharlotteMcdougall

DeadMan said:


> The affair lasted 3 Months *ended after I busted her.*


This is very telling. Your wife would likely still be having an affair if she was never caught. 

When I confessed my emotional affair to my husband, I ended it months before the disclosure. When my husband demanded that I never speak to my "friend" again, I told my hubby that I already cut him off. I don't know if my husband would have stayed with me if he had to catch me in order for my EA to end. I am lucky that my husband didn't leave when I confessed my EA to him. I have no doubt that he will divorce me if I dare to have another EA or a physical affair. We all have our own tolerance levels. 

My husband forgave me because I proactively ended the EA and confessed to it. He felt that those two choices showed obvious remorse, as well as willingness to stop that kind of deceitful behavior once and for all. 

As for whether or not you choose to stay married, that is completely your choice. TAM members should be able to show support for whatever decision you make even if they don't agree. I am so sorry that you have to go through this.


----------



## xakulax

tom67 said:


> Sounds like childhood sex abuse.


Sadly that usually how this kind of behavior starts


----------



## Ripper

Want2babettrme said:


> What are the "sticky" kisses you refer to above?
> 
> Sorry, I must be dense.


Reference post #282.


----------



## CharlotteMcdougall

xakulax said:


> Sadly that usually how this kind of behavior starts


:iagree: This is very true. Sexual abuse survivors will often act out sexually, either by becoming very prudish or promiscuous.


----------



## bandit.45

Want2babettrme said:


> What are the "sticky" kisses you refer to above?
> 
> Sorry, I must be dense.


 ...um... semen residue from the other man.


----------



## xakulax

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> :iagree: This is very true. Sexual abuse survivors will often act out sexually, either by becoming very prudish or promiscuous.


Yeah I once worked with a girl who was a borderline nymphomaniac and serial cheater I asked her why she couldn't stay with just one guy and she told me the longer she stayed with someone the more afraid she would get that they would hurt her just like her older sister hurted her that's when she opened up to me and told me about her past the stuff she went throw growing up good god no one should go throw that 


She was really missed up in the head that same night she told me this she then tell me about her having a threesome the night before then later ask me if I want to hang out after work I respectfully decline her offer but I did remain a friend that she could talk to up in tell when she quieted two month later.


----------



## CharlotteMcdougall

xakulax said:


> Yeah I once worked with a girl who was a borderline nymphomaniac and serial cheater I asked her why she couldn't stay with just one guy and she told me the longer she stayed with someone the more afraid she would get that they would hurt her just like her older sister hurted her that's when she opened up to me and told me about her past the stuff she went throw growing up good god no one should go throw that
> 
> 
> She was really missed up in the head that same night she told me this she then tell me about her having a threesome the night before then later ask me if I want to hang out after work I respectfully decline her offer but I did remain a friend that she could talk to up in tell when she quieted two month later.


I went through both prudish and promiscuous phases in my life, though even my promiscuous phases were relatively tame. I couldn't stomach a new guy in my bed every month or being in any sex tapes. I was always turned off by group sex. 

The definition of promiscuity is highly subjective. Some believe that a woman is promiscuous if she has premarital sex. Others do not view women who sleep with a new guy each week as loose.

Married sex feels very sacred to me; it is like a delightful kingdom that only my husband and I can access. Even though I had my fun when I was single, those days are behind me now. Only my husband gets into my pants. :smthumbup:


----------



## DeadMan

She was not sexually abused as far as I know. I dont think she was either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

xakulax said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Yeah I would say it's a high probability she's hyper sexual with no self control I would bet she has a past history extreme sexual behavior weather stay or go OP you need to do some digging about her past.


I am digging
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

My conclusion is she has low self-esteem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

bandit.45 said:


> I want Deadman to understand I mean no disrespect for the following statement.
> 
> Given her behavior and the things she has done, I think Deadman's wife is at the very least a closet hosefreak, if not a run-of-the-mill ho. And if he does separate or divorce from her, he needs to prepare himself for the possibility that the moment he lets go of her leash, she's probably going right back to the OM....
> 
> or...
> 
> she will be catting around, throwing her legs up for every Tom, D!ck and Harry in town.
> 
> I just want Deadman to steel himself for that possibility.


Thanks I think more Tom, **** and Harry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

CynthiaDe said:


> I agree with this 100%. My point is that he has a right to make a choice and he should not faulted for it if he decided to work through it. It may be hopeless, but we should not assume that. It is for him to decide.


I think its hopeless she will will do it again similar like but not entirely the same. More careful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cynthia

DeadMan said:


> I think its hopeless she will will do it again similar like but not entirely the same. More careful.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry about that. I'm sure this is a terrible time for you. You will get through it and things won't always feel this bad.


----------



## Wolfman1968

I don't think there is a one-size fits all answer for all situations.

However, in this PARTICULAR case, the disrespect she has shown goes far beyond the usual casual disregard of the spouse that usual cheaters show.

Her desire to have the OP unknowingly kiss the semen of her Affair Partner off her lips shows a level of contempt for him beyond virtually anything I have seen here. It's worse than most people would do to their hated enemies.

Your spouse is supposed to be someone that you love, hold in esteem, and for whom you have the highest respect. I just do not believe it will ever be possible to go from this level of contempt to anything that approaches a spousal relationship. I just do not think the human mind is capable of it. Perhaps she could tolerate him for the financial benefits of sustaining the marriage, but I don't believe she would ever love him. She's coming from too deep of a hole of contempt for him.

I am going out on a limb and say he will be making a big mistake if he does not divorce. This is a special exception from the usual "each person has to decide for themselves" approach I usually take. I think that if he doesn't divorce, it is because he has been fooled; it would be a mistake. If he was my good friend I would shake him silly until he saw reality.


----------



## DeadMan

Wolfman1968 said:


> I don't think there is a one-size fits all answer for all situations.
> 
> However, in this PARTICULAR case, the disrespect she has shown goes far beyond the usual casual disregard of the spouse that usual cheaters show.
> 
> Her desire to have the OP unknowingly kiss the semen of her Affair Partner off her lips shows a level of contempt for him beyond virtually anything I have seen here. It's worse than most people would do to their hated enemies.
> 
> Your spouse is supposed to be someone that you love, hold in esteem, and for whom you have the highest respect. I just do not believe it will ever be possible to go from this level of contempt to anything that approaches a spousal relationship. I just do not think the human mind is capable of it. Perhaps she could tolerate him for the financial benefits of sustaining the marriage, but I don't believe she would ever love him. She's coming from too deep of a hole of contempt for him.
> 
> I am going out on a limb and say he will be making a big mistake if he does not divorce. This is a special exception from the usual "each person has to decide for themselves" approach I usually take. I think that if he doesn't divorce, it is because he has been fooled; it would be a mistake. If he was my good friend I would shake him silly until he saw reality.


I totally understand. I have to be totally out of my mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

DeadMan said:


> Thanks I think more Tom, **** and Harry.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Expect the worst, hope for the best....


----------



## bandit.45

Wolfman1968 said:


> Her desire to have the OP unknowingly kiss the semen of her Affair Partner off her lips shows a level of contempt for him beyond virtually anything I have seen here. It's worse than most people would do to their hated enemies.


Is it contempt? Or just a complete lack of moral fiber. She may pose as a Christian but she seems completely amoral to me.


----------



## Cynthia

bandit.45 said:


> Is it contempt? Or just a complete lack of moral fiber. She may pose as a Christian but she seems completely amoral to me.


I was thinking about this too. It sure seems contemptuous. It is an utter lack of respect and a mockery. It is also immoral.
Does she have any explanation for typing such a thing? And she kept the text! I just have to shake my head. Yes, forgive, but that doesn't mean you have to take her back into relationship.
I can see you are leaning towards divorce, but you were considering reconciliation and you might again. If you do, the only hope would be to get to the bottom of things and she would have to have a real heart change from someone who could go so low. she would have to change into an honorable woman. Honorable women do that think like that, let alone talk like that.


----------



## arbitrator

DeadMan said:


> *Things that she has done with him
> Kissed him
> He fingered her vagina
> He fingered her anus
> She gave him oral sex 2 times (I have recovered pictures that she took from her cellphione how stupid could she be?)
> Had anal sex with him once and the first time she they where not successful
> Went to see him on her days off
> Went to see him after work.
> She sent him photos and short video clips of her nude and masterbating that she deleted (I recovered them from her cellphone)
> She used me 2 times to take photos of us having sex to send it to him "because he wanted that".*


*IMHO, she's a serial cheater. Her only regret is that she got caught!

And for them to have photos of you and your W doing the "bump?" That's just plain nasty! Makes me wonder if he's either "bi" or into cuckold and just gets off seeing you!

This is nasty enough to want to make a buzzard puke!*


----------



## Cynthia

I had forgotten about the video. Where is that video? I would certainly want to know that.
No one would blame you for calling it quits with her, except maybe your sister in law, but she doesn't have to live your life with someone who has done such amazingly awful things to you.


----------



## DeadMan

arbitrator said:


> *IMHO, she's a serial cheater. Her only regret is that she got caught!
> 
> And for them to have photos of you and your W doing the "bump?" That's just plain nasty! Makes me wonder if he's either "bi" or into cuckold and just gets off seeing you!
> 
> This is nasty enough to want to make a buzzard puke!*


I thought the same thing that he may be BI sexual. But does not matter his penis was in her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

CynthiaDe said:


> I was thinking about this too. It sure seems contemptuous. It is an utter lack of respect and a mockery. It is also immoral.
> Does she have any explanation for typing such a thing? And she kept the text! I just have to shake my head. Yes, forgive, but that doesn't mean you have to take her back into relationship.
> I can see you are leaning towards divorce, but you were considering reconciliation and you might again. If you do, the only hope would be to get to the bottom of things and she would have to have a real heart change from someone who could go so low. she would have to change into an honorable woman. Honorable women do that think like that, let alone talk like that.


I totally agree with you. Where I am at now its up in the air. Divorse/Reconciliation. Things have pretty much quiet down after 4 months. I feel like I am just floating around and seeing what I am really going to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WhiteRaven

Anyone who chooses to R after all this sh*t would definitely win the Darwin award.


----------



## DeadMan

WhiteRaven said:


> Anyone who chooses to R after all this sh*t would definitely win the Darwin award.


I hear ya man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cynthia

DeadMan said:


> I hear ya man.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do what you think is right. Don't let anyone make you feel stupid for your choices. You are doing the best you can. You are facing the issues and you are working through them. At least you know what is going on and you can make your decisions based on the truth of the matter. There is no hurry.


----------



## WhiteRaven

DeadMan said:


> I hear ya man.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


DeadMan, I haven't heard the likes of your story, even from the slvtty barflies I banged in the last 6 months. You are one tough sonafab*tch to go through this kind of ignominy and betrayal, and stay sane. All I can tell you is go out and bang as many women as you can. Sex does help in healing. Getting some revenge on the OM and WW is also essential. Just keep it legal. Your kids need you with them. Don't end up in the slammer.

Pm me if you think I can help out in anyway.


----------



## bandit.45

You need to quit wallowing and start some forward action Deadman. We understand your destroyed feelings, but it seems you have done nothing other than post here and feel sorry for yourself. 

I'm not trying to be down on you bro, but you are just standing there with your thumb up your azz and not taking any steps to address the problem....her. 

You need to make a decision soon. Otherwise you will be stuck in limbo....and that can endure for years and years and you will only end up as a bitter, shriveled up soul...defeated and full of hate and anger. Don't let that happen.


----------



## DeadMan

CynthiaDe said:


> Do what you think is right. Don't let anyone make you feel stupid for your choices. You are doing the best you can. You are facing the issues and you are working through them. At least you know what is going on and you can make your decisions based on the truth of the matter. There is no hurry.


Your right about this. Sometimes I feel rushed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cynthia

DeadMan said:


> Your right about this. Sometimes I feel rushed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Often times when trying to make a decision and feeling pressured, we do things that we wish we hadn't done. Taking your time to think this through and work through it will benefit you in the long run. Do not let pressure to hurry get to you.
It looks like you are fully aware of what you are dealing with and doing what you can to work through it. If you were rug sweeping it would be a different story.
I am appalled at what your wife has done. It has truly sickened me. I am sure what you felt was much deeper than anything any of us felt when presented with the facts of your situation. But this doesn't mean there is only one choice before you. Please make sure that whatever choices you do make are with eyes wide open and making a plan for your future and the futures of your children.


----------



## Ripper

bandit.45 said:


> You need to quit wallowing and start some forward action Deadman. We understand your destroyed feelings, but it seems you have done nothing other than post here and feel sorry for yourself.
> 
> I'm not trying to be down on you bro, but you are just standing there with your thumb up your azz and not taking any steps to address the problem....her.
> 
> You need to make a decision soon. Otherwise you will be stuck in limbo....and that can endure for years and years and you will only end up as a bitter, shriveled up soul...defeated and full of hate and anger. Don't let that happen.


This.

You wake up one day and say "its fine, I'm in limbo, but I will do something about it tomorrow." No big deal, except it makes it easier to do the same thing the next day and the day after. Soon you will have spent years in purgatory.

You deserve better than this.


----------



## Cynthia

Ripper said:


> This.
> 
> You wake up one day and say "its fine, I'm in limbo, but I will do something about it tomorrow." No big deal, except it makes it easier to do the same thing the next day and the day after. Soon you will have spent years in purgatory.
> 
> You deserve better than this.


I agree that it is important to not get stuck. Keep moving forward. I don't believe that everything has to happen quickly. I believe in small steps forward eventually get you to where you need to be, like the tortoise and the hare. I am a decisive person, but I'm not necessarily quick. An example is exercise. I wanted to get into good shape, so I stared off with some exercise regimes that caused me to have some pretty serious joint injuries. I decided to slow it down, so I did exercises for 6 months from the book Pain Free. Once I was healed, I went back to an exercise routine, but it was at my pace, not trying to get into shape quickly, but over a period of time. I am now much stronger and in good shape, but is has taken be about two years. I am better off than if I would have injured myself again and also better than if I had never started. This idea is to make progress and keep moving forward. You don't need to be in a hurry, as long as you are moving forward and making necessary changes to improve your life.


----------



## bandit.45

I agree in small steps, but then there is also a time and place to fire all twelve 16 inchers at the enemy's shoreline. 

His WW needs to be shaken up, he needs to take her to the brink of losing everything. If he wants true reconcilliation, he needs to hold her accountable and SHE needs to do the hard work to show him she is making the changes she needs to make for the marriage to last. 

I have heard nothing about her going to IC, making arrangements for her and him to go to MC... nothing. It would help us if Deadman would tell us what is actually happening in the marriage rather than just agreeing with us that she is a dirty skank of a wife.


----------



## Cynthia

bandit.45 said:


> I agree in small steps, but then there is also a time and place to fire all twelve 16 inchers at the enemy's shoreline.


True, but he is still deciding and making him hurry will only cause him to make mistakes under pressure.


bandit.45 said:


> His WW needs to be shaken up, he needs to take her to the brink of losing everything. If he wants true reconcilliation, he needs to hold her accountable and SHE needs to do the hard work to show him she is making the changes she needs to make for the marriage to last.


Yes, she does need to do the hard work. She will have to have a change of heart, because whatever caused her to do such vile things needs to be resolved or who knows what she will do next time. People who do those sorts of things will do them again unless there is a deep personal change in thinking and feeling about life.


bandit.45 said:


> I have heard nothing about her going to IC, making arrangements for her and him to go to MC... nothing. It would help us if Deadman would tell us what is actually happening in the marriage rather than just agreeing with us that she is a dirty skank of a wife.


Deadman, what is happening in this area? Are you in any kind of counseling either together or individually? Do you have a plan for how to work through this and to see true changes or to move away from the marriage?


----------



## DeadMan

We talked about MC. I personally dont think its going to work as far as making her go off track again. As far as any of us bouncing off the walls and staying calm I think that MC will work. I even talked about her agreeing to a post nuptial. She says she will agree to signing one with my terms. At this point she claims that the only thing she does not want me to do is take the kids. I am won't take the kids. If anything joint custody would be best. Post nuptial would work like this if we divorse I take all except her car and the kids regardless of how we divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

DeadMan said:


> We talked about MC. I personally dont think its going to work as far as making her go off track again. As far as any of us bouncing off the walls and staying calm I think that MC will work. I even talked about her agreeing to a post nuptial. She says she will agree to signing one with my terms. At this point she claims that the only thing she does not want me to do is take the kids. I am won't take the kids. If anything joint custody would be best. Post nuptial would work like this if we divorse I take all except her car and the kids regardless of how we divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like a good plan plus she could use ic.


----------



## DeadMan

Ripper said:


> This.
> 
> You wake up one day and say "its fine, I'm in limbo, but I will do something about it tomorrow." No big deal, except it makes it easier to do the same thing the next day and the day after. Soon you will have spent years in purgatory.
> 
> You deserve better than this.


I am in purgatory.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

tom67 said:


> Sounds like a good plan plus she could use ic.


Yea it sounds good. But the problem is she has done this sloppy horrible dirty work. its done agghhh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

bandit.45 said:


> You need to quit wallowing and start some forward action Deadman. We understand your destroyed feelings, but it seems you have done nothing other than post here and feel sorry for yourself.
> 
> I'm not trying to be down on you bro, but you are just standing there with your thumb up your azz and not taking any steps to address the problem....her.
> 
> You need to make a decision soon. Otherwise you will be stuck in limbo....and that can endure for years and years and you will only end up as a bitter, shriveled up soul...defeated and full of hate and anger. Don't let that happen.


I am in limbo man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DeadMan

WhiteRaven said:


> DeadMan, I haven't heard the likes of your story, even from the slvtty barflies I banged in the last 6 months. You are one tough sonafab*tch to go through this kind of ignominy and betrayal, and stay sane. All I can tell you is go out and bang as many women as you can. Sex does help in healing. Getting some revenge on the OM and WW is also essential. Just keep it legal. Your kids need you with them. Don't end up in the slammer.
> 
> Pm me if you think I can help out in anyway.


I guess when I start to feel better ill see how it goes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

There's no rush, DM.


----------

