# I have no life anymore



## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

My wife of 3 years has left me in Nov/08. 

We fought a lot (verbally), we fell into financial crisis after my GAD (severe anxiety) returned, and her family interference and sexual dysfunction from my side due to anxiety meds are the main factors.

We loved each other. We "separated" a few times but got back together the same day. I never thought she would leave me and she said a million times she couldn't live w/o me. She is 22. We also have a son who is just over 2 years old.

After a nonsense fight she called her family who by the way hated me, and she left with them.

After 3 days we met up to make a separation agreement. We both cried and promised to each other to be back together in few months after I get a job and save some money which we badly needed.

First couple of months things were perfect, we spoke and exchanged emails and text messages a few times daily. I got a job and started working and saving. 

But after the New Year she asked me if I (and my parents) could babysit the child because she wants to work too. I said of course. Then she started calling less and less and stopped even calling me honey. Her excuses (real or not) was that her family found out about our plans and are controlling her. (She has fear and high respect of her family due to cultural tradition)

I saw some contacts on her cellphone from other guys (all overseas) even though she was hiding it from me. She promised to delete them because she wants to be with me only. That was in February.

In March she told me she doesn't have any "desire" to return to me or to be with anyone else, and that she has less love for me. When I asked her why, she said it is hard when her family always tell her that I have ruined her life. I did make a mistake by not stopping her credit being ruined and she has to return $15000 which we spent together, but I said I will help repay. She stopped calling me even from work where her family can't know if she called me. Her mother told me that she will teach my son to hate me when he grows up.I will mention that we had a minor disagreement over the phone a few days ago when she said I didn't change a bit. I said does that mean you are not coming back with me, she said yes, no point.

So the child is with me for over 3 months. She only took him a few weekends. She came to pick him up tonight with her mom and sister. She came alone to my appartment and I walked her to the car to give her the child's carseat. On our way there I was hoping she would say something positive but she only talked to the child and walked a few feet ahead of me. I didn't wanna talk either because in the last few months it seemed as I was practically begging her. 

Then finally she said " So how are you my best friend?" I said "friend"? She said yes. I said "So no more honey"? She said "No, I do not need a honey anymore, I do not want anyone".

I just said OK. I knew this was coming. It was just the matter of time. I just asked her to phone me when they get home so I know they got home safely which she did.

*So This is what I believe. Her family made huge influence on her to hate me. They even told her if she comes back to me, she has lost them. In her culture it is a huge thing. Well it is a difficult thing in every culture to choose between your love and your family but its different where she comes from. I do not think they would stop talking to her permamently, they just brainwashed her.

Also, my wife possibly met someone else. Maybe her mom found someone for her because thats what she did for her other daughters. She goes online dating sites/chats and pretends to be 1 of her daughters.*

Anyway, since she is so close to her family, I don't think she will change her mind. Perhaps they made her hate me. There is nothing I can do to change her mind. I think it has to pass 1 year here until you can file for divorce. So she is probably waiting for Nov.

My wife was everything to me. She made me feel happy when I was the saddest. I cannot imagine my future without her. I am just going to keep crying. I know I will sink into deep depression but what can I do. I don't want another woman in my life.

Oh I even have no energy to pray anymore :slap: There is a hope deep inside me that she will call me some day and say what I like to hear but I know I feel that just because I didn't accept the facts.

Sorry about the long post.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

I hope I'm not intruding... but you did mention several times that her cultural influence, meaning her parents is a huge issue. and her mom "found" hubby's for all her sisters? May I ask what nationality she is, or culture?


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## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

marina72 said:


> I hope I'm not intruding... but you did mention several times that her cultural influence, meaning her parents is a huge issue. and her mom "found" hubby's for all her sisters? May I ask what nationality she is, or culture?


No Marina you are not intruding. She is from Bosnia and I'm from Slovenia. 20 years ago it was all known as Yugoslavia. They do not have arranged marriages over there but her mom is a weirdo. 

I do not know what to do. Should I give her space or start 'bothering' her with I LOVE YOU ass kissing thing.

I just spoke to her to get our separation agreement on the paper and have it legalised because I don't wanna lose my child as well but I'm afraid she could decide to go through court and try to get fall custody.

The fact that the child has been under my care for the 3 months may not mean nothing according to a lawyer.

Any advice people?


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## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

Updade: (Even though no one seems to reply but I feel better when write about it)

I called her tonight cuz she asked me to pick up the child. I asked her if she meant what she said last night and she said yes. When I asked can anything be done she said 'too many things are going on here' (in their house). She also said that she doesnt believe that things would be better if we got back together. I said what if I proved that things would be better, she said 'we will talk about it'. 

Sure, that's what she says when can't say no. I bet her family threatened her as well.

I told her I will give her some time (wait for her) if she changes her mind and she said 'maybe things will change'

I told her I will send her an e-mail tonight. I will try to "write" some reality into her head. Try to make her fear her family less. Even though they probably mean best for her, they have no right to emotionally abuse her and destroy our marriage.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Please don't stop praying. It is in times like these that our faith gives us the strength to go on. Is your wife and her family at all religious? Perhaps you could go to you minister or priest for some guidance. 

You will probably accomplish more by doing nothing as far as your wife is concerned. Her family is influencing her. It will probably be best to let things cool off a bit.


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## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

Thank you. I am glad she didn't say that she is 100% sure that she wants divorce. I will let her cool off and give her time to make her final decision.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Harris im sorry you have had such a bad time , i think you need to let her cool of so she can make her decision ..in the mean time do some thing for you .. i know its hard to pull yourself together but even if you just went and got yourself a new shirt hair cut it makes you feel better..
Her family have a big impact on her ..if you do get back together you both need to talk about how to tackle the problem ..make sure your child has as much love as you can provide that has to be your main priority at the moment


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## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

humpty dumpty said:


> Harris im sorry you have had such a bad time , i think you need to let her cool of so she can make her decision ..in the mean time do some thing for you .. i know its hard to pull yourself together but even if you just went and got yourself a new shirt hair cut it makes you feel better..
> Her family have a big impact on her ..if you do get back together you both need to talk about how to tackle the problem ..make sure your child has as much love as you can provide that has to be your main priority at the moment


Thank You. But how do I deal with the fact that it is not her decision but her family's to get divorced?


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Harris - you should give her the space that she needs/ desires until she can become her own person and make the choice for herself of what to do. While you say her family is controlling her, ultimately, she is a grown up and would come be with you if that is what she truly wanted. Or, if they can control her to this degree, trust me, you don't want to be with her. You would never get her family out of your lives and would always have major problems.

My advice to you is to go to a lawyer and file for divorce and custody. Not because you want the divorce, but because it's your best chance of making sure that you get your child. If you let this drag on, you give her more time to build a custody case against you. If she wants to come back down the line, you can re-marry. But you must put your child first right now and making sure that you have the legal rights to him/her is the most important thing. Don't follow just your heart right now (our hearts can be very dumb) ... follow your mind and your love for your child, which will never change.


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## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

MsLady said:


> Harris - you should give her the space that she needs/ desires until she can become her own person and make the choice for herself of what to do. While you say her family is controlling her, ultimately, she is a grown up and would come be with you if that is what she truly wanted. Or, if they can control her to this degree, trust me, you don't want to be with her. You would never get her family out of your lives and would always have major problems.
> 
> My advice to you is to go to a lawyer and file for divorce and custody. Not because you want the divorce, but because it's your best chance of making sure that you get your child. If you let this drag on, you give her more time to build a custody case against you. If she wants to come back down the line, you can re-marry. But you must put your child first right now and making sure that you have the legal rights to him/her is the most important thing. Don't follow just your heart right now (our hearts can be very dumb) ... follow your mind and your love for your child, which will never change.


MsLady - Can I apply for shared custody? I dont want full custody because that would kill her. She does love the child. 

Also, I don't see how she can build a custody case vs me, in fact I think I could build one against her because the child is under my care. 

But, she told me she wants to go out 1 day and talk. She has to make sure her family doesn't know about it though.

You are 100% correct that I dont wanna be with someone who has family like that. 

I think I will have a talk with her ant try to make her to make her own decisions. If she refuses then I will go sign a separation agreement with her. Cant file for divorce cuz it has to pass 1 year of separation first.


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