# a question for the women



## jules_999 (Dec 31, 2011)

Should I be concerned that my wife fawns over her divorced male friend who happens to be good looking, generous and financially quite well off?

My wife and I have socialized occasionally with her friend over the years and he and my wife go to dinner or a show once or twice a year when I cannot or do not want to go.

Anyway, some things happened recently which have me concerned.

First, my wife works late one night a week and then needs to be in early the next day. So she suggested staying at her divorced friends' house as a matter of convenience. I told her I wasn't comfortable with her staying there and suggested she stay at her best friends house since the best friend lives 5 minutes away from the divorced friend. My wife ended up coming home.

Second, she came home a couple of weeks after that and told me she was going to be her divorced friends "date" to his office Christmas party. Since friend is wealthy he also has an apartment in NYC so they would have stayed together there after a night of partying and drinking. I expressed strong reservations about this situation too. Other reasons I objected were that my wife offered herself up as his date (her words!) without discussing it with me, her friend never called to ask me if I was cool with it (later found out it wasn't ever his idea - my wife was the one who suggested it), and frankly, yes, the thought of my wife getting all dressed up to go out with another man as his date makes me jealous. Another reason is that this party was scheduled on a Friday and my wife has a routine on Friday nights -dinner, a short chat, and then she is asleep by 9PM, so I was really bothered that instead of choosing to go out with me on a Friday, she would totally step out for a very late night.

Third, we were at divorced friends' birthday brunch in NYC just a few days after the party issue had come up. I found it odd that my wife decided to sit next to her friend, in a single seat next to wall so I couldn't sit with her. She proceded to flirt with divorced friend, rubbing his arm, running her fingers through his hair as if she was his girlfriend and I wasn't even there. It further angered me that the other couples with us sat together, when divorced friend's new girl showed up my wife didn't move her seat, and my wife NEVER runs her fingers through my hair and hardly touches me in public.

My wife thinks I'm being overly jealous while I think she is trying to, or is engaging in behavior that just don't seem right for a married woman to do, plus her behavior crosses my boundaries.

My wife says she loves me, wouldn't think of being with anyone else, has no desire to be with anyone else.

Wondering if women here think if I am being an overly reactive, controlling and jealous husband, or if I have some legitimate reasons for concern


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Your wife is trying to 'date' her divorced male friend - and right under your nose to boot. If you haven't already, define your boundaries with regard to this behavior, and then follow through with consequences if and when the boundaries are crossed.

Don't believe this 'We're just friends' crap either. This is an affair waiting to happen, if it hasn't already...

...sorry...


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

No f*ing way are you being too jealous....what hit me the most was that she said she was going to stay at his house as a matter of convenience and you suggested she stay at her friend's five minutes from OM's place and she just ended up coming home......that doesn't sound right and then her behavior at the OM's birthday party!!! Holy crap, I don't even know what to say about that. If my H did that he would no longer be my H.....


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Your wife is trying to 'date' her divorced male friend - and right under your nose to boot. If you haven't already, define your boundaries with regard to this behavior, and then follow through with consequences if and when the boundaries are crossed.
> 
> Don't believe this 'We're just friends' crap either. This is an affair waiting to happen, if it hasn't already...
> 
> ...sorry...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## jules_999 (Dec 31, 2011)

I have defined my boundaries and hope there won't be any future incidents. However, after discussion of the incidents my wife told me that I'm controlling her and limiting 50% of her social life, and that she misses going to bars to socialize and flirt with men.

So now I find myself on edge, always wondering what she's up to when she's out, and I know that this is no way to live.

Sometimes I think I should just grow up and get over it - after all what's wrong with her having a little innocent fun if that what she claims it is?

But then I ask myself why my wife wants to put herself in a situation where I see nothing good coming out of it, and what should I do about it?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Are you ok living in this one sided open relationship? Because that is what this is.

You paint a picture of a wealthy Alpha guy who dominates you in front of your wife and friends. He takes what he wants while you shrink in fornt of him. He knows your wife is pursuing him. Likely this is already a full blown PA. Your wife is getting off on openly cuckolding you. Is this what you are looking for?

Your passive behavior to this more dominant male is not attractive. You also are showing that you are not willing to put a stop to this.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

jules_999 said:


> I have defined my boundaries and hope there won't be any future incidents. However, after discussion of the incidents my wife told me that I'm controlling her and limiting 50% of her social life, and that *she misses going to bars to socialize and flirt with men*.


Ok, part of getting married is giving that up, I mean really who says that to their SO???? I don't understand how that works...I mean me and my husband go out to bars, sometimes apart, but mostly together, and have fun with each other, and at the same time we talk and socialize with other people, mostly he does that while I'm out on the dance floor haha 

And the thing is you can say you should suck it up and let her do it, it's innocent fun, but what starts out as innocent fun doesn't always stay that way.....


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

jules_999 said:


> I have defined my boundaries and hope there won't be any future incidents. However, after discussion of the incidents my wife told me that I'm controlling her and limiting 50% of her social life, and that she misses going to bars to socialize and flirt with men.
> 
> So now I find myself on edge, always wondering what she's up to when she's out, and I know that this is no way to live.
> 
> ...


No married woman should be going out to bars to socialize and flirt with men. I put an end to that when I met my H - I daresay that if I'd continued my socializing, that's where I'd still be. There is no room for that kind of behavior in a marriage, or in a long term relationship that is leading to marriage.

I got all my ya-ya's out before I got married.

And you're right to say that there will be no good coming out of her behaviour. Your wife wants to have the best of both worlds. The security of being married to you, and the fun of behaving like a single girl.


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## laila123 (Jan 3, 2012)

if she hasn't cheated already, Im afraid to say she will do. Give her an ultimatum, is she doesn't accept it, then let her go. Save yourself the destructive aftermath of a cheating affair. I know you don't want to, but its soul destroying.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I am disgusted with your wife. She clearly has no respect for you or your marriage. She misses flirting with men? Really?! She wants to have her cake and eat it too; good wives do not go out on dates with other men.

Some member on this forum accused me of being too "submissive" because I do not go to bars and clubs out of respect for my husband. I was never a party girl before I met him, so I didn't miss it once I got married. Why do I need a bunch of drunk men hitting on me? I don't need SPAM when I have filet mignon at home. :smthumbup:

Wise up and man up, bricks! She is treating you like a chump because you are allowing it.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

What First said. 

Is this good looking rich friend gay? 

Why can't he find 4 or 5 hot 20 yo chicks to fawn over him and his buying power? Hasn't he heard from his fellow divorcées that they are spilling out of every retail establishment, college campus, bar, gym, hospital waiting area and drunk tank, waiting for a passing divorced man to crook his finger. 

The world is his oyster and he shucking clams with a married woman. I don't get it.


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## jules_999 (Dec 31, 2011)

In response to Catherine602:

The friend is definitely NOT gay. Not that this provides any proof, but he is divorced with two children and spends a lot of time with his children.

He has never shown any romantic interest in my wife. When he was married my wife and I socialized with them a couple of times a year, plus my wife provided them with some marriage counseling services, so she does have the bond of long-term friendship (30 years) + knowledge of his relationship past.

He only pursues exotic, foreign woman, or women involved in the arts, and my wife is neither. 

My wife and I don't hide our phones and emails from one another and I have never seen an unusual amount of calls, emails or texts between the two of them. In fact, they are in contact maybe four times a year (that I know of) and then get together once or twice for dinner or a show.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

jules_999 said:


> Wondering if women here think if I am being an overly reactive, controlling and jealous husband, or if I have some legitimate reasons for concern


I think it's interesting when I have seen on numerous threads that a wife has stated her husband is controlling when he tries to intervene in what appears to be his wife entering in to a potentially very inappropriate situation.

No, I don't think you are being overly reactive, controlling, or jealous. And if your wife says you are being controlling, you tell her that she has the wrong "C" word. It is about CARING. The fact that you care enoough about her and your marriage to be concerned.

There's a good thread over in the Men's Clubhouse right now about whether platonic friendships are possible. I don't deny that they can be possible, but they may not be entirely appropriate.

If a wife wants to hit the highlifts and have a good time, she should be doing that with her husband in tow. And your wife's behaviour at the party - sitting next to this guy, running her hands through his hair - way more than inappropriate. It seems that she is fishing for someone's attention, and you would do well to not tolerate that kind of behaviour.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

My view is that his wife is most definitely fishing. The only reasons she’s not gone is because OM doesn’t want the bait. Or perhaps he already has it and is quite content to share it.

Jules, you’ve been a fool. Only a fool would let his wife be a date for another man. Only a stupid, naive fool would do that. But it doesn’t mean you have to continue being a fool.


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## jules_999 (Dec 31, 2011)

point is I told my wife how I felt about her "dating" him and she did not follow through. However, I do not have a problem if they go to dinner or a show once or twice a year, as long as she comes home right after, which she has done every time.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

jules_999 said:


> He only pursues exotic, foreign woman, or women involved in the arts, and my wife is neither.


Dude, don't be a fool. You are allowing these two to meet in places where there's no risk of you intruding. Do you think they're really going to shows or dinner, or is it possible they're simply getting it on during the "time slots" you're allowing for. I don't care what type of women are this guy's type - your wife is tossing her flower on his lap and I'm betting he's more than taking a sniff. 



jules_999 said:


> My wife and I don't hide our phones and emails from one another and I have never seen an unusual amount of calls, emails or texts between the two of them. In fact, they are in contact maybe four times a year (that I know of) and then get together once or twice for dinner or a show.


You ever hear of deleting texts? And if she has an iPhone she can delete an single message without destroying the whole conversation, which can come off looking like they had an innocent conversation if you snooped on her phone.

Dude, your wife is more than likely not being faithful to you, and quite frankly, you've been a doormat in allowing all this to take place. Read Entropy3000's post about you allowing the Alpha male to have control over your wife right in front of you... *he's dead on about it* and your lack of spine to stop it just encourages your wife to keep giving this guy the goods.


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