# Separation update



## BassGuy919 (Mar 15, 2016)

qwerty


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I went back and reread your previous thread. 

It's not clear to me what happened in the marriage but you were clearly miserable and wanted out.

It's good you're making progress.

But I'm a little confused as to why you're worried about whether she's seeing anyone and whether she's technically cheating at this point. You've made attempts to date too, and you should as you feel ready. And presumably your divorce wasn't final when you attempted to date.

So why can you attempt to date but she can't?

It just seems like you're prolonging your misery by worrying about her personal life, which unless your kids are in danger isn't your business anymore.

And she doesn't owe you details of who she sees, nor do you owe her any details of who you see. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

BassGuy919 said:


> Well it's been about 4 months now since I moved out, and about 3 and a half since my last post - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/342426-16-days-into-separt.html
> 
> The SBTX is completely cool with everything and I think is already seeing someone. I am miserable and my attempts at dating have been sad and largely disastrous. Because you are still allowing her to control your life.
> 
> ...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Move on man, the longer you hang on the longer it will be until you get better.


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## BassGuy919 (Mar 15, 2016)

No it's not that I can date and she can't. It's that she started dating before the divorce is final, so I am too. I feel like my hand is being forced. That's what I'm talking about she doesn't have the decency to wait, and although I am not ready yet, I don't want be a chump. 

You can think me immature if you wish. The fact is I'm not over here. We were married for 20 years. I much rather have her back. But she won't take me back. My trying to date is an attempt to deal with the loss of my X. I am trying to find another long term partner, I'm not interested in a quick lay. So perhaps I am being too hasty, but I just don't want to stand around being a victim. I am not *that much* of a loser. 

I don't want to be alone and I can't get her back, so I'm trying to find someone new. Again, I am probably not ready for this, but I don't want to wait around while she's running around like a horny teenager.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Any woman worth her salt will not take up with you as they can sense that you will just use them to get over your ex. Which is what you have been trying to do and getting disastrous results. Don't worry about what your ex is or isn't doing. If she wore a pile of shyte on her head, would you also? You don't have to sink to her level.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

BassGuy919 said:


> No it's not that I can date and she can't. It's that she started dating before the divorce is final, so I am too. I feel like my hand is being forced. That's what I'm talking about she doesn't have the decency to wait, and although I am not ready yet, I don't want be a chump.
> 
> You can think me immature if you wish. The fact is I'm not over here. We were married for 20 years. I much rather have her back. But she won't take me back. My trying to date is an attempt to deal with the loss of my X. I am trying to find another long term partner, I'm not interested in a quick lay. So perhaps I am being too hasty, but I just don't want to stand around being a victim. I am not *that much* of a loser.
> 
> I don't want to be alone and I can't get her back, so I'm trying to find someone new. Again, I am probably not ready for this, but I don't want to wait around while she's running around like a horny teenager.


Better to take a deep breath and go get some IC. Work on being the best you you can be.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your stbx's behavior shouldn't have anything to do with how you conduct yourself. As long as it does you aren't ready to date.

You conduct yourself in keeping with your values and stop worrying about what your ex does.

If you want to date then date, if you don't then don't.


Doesn't sound like your marriage was very good so why wouldn't you be glad to be getting out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Gonna take some time bassguy. You're wanting the pain to be over NOW. We all did. Just give it some time, and it will lessen. Date some ladies, don't let it get serious for a while, get her out of your mind. Realize she's no longer an option, and deal with your life accordingly. It doesn't matter what she was, what she is, what you wish she'd be. She just isn't an option. Wrap your mind around that and you will get better exponentially. Pretty much everyone here has had to do this ---- AND IT AIN"T EASY!

But, you will absolutely get through it. IT wouldn't hurt at all to do some counseling, or just talk to someone about this and work on yourself, whatever that means.

YOU CANNOT CONTROL HER, no matter how much you'd like to legally or otherwise. But she is controlling YOU! Because you're miserable. Take back the control. MOVE THE heck ON.
Good luck.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You guys are divorcing, there is no reason she cannot date. (nor you) YOU need to stop trying to date, its pointless and you are not ready. She doesn't give a damn if you are, so just stop. She is in a different place with things than you are, she has been done for some time in her mind, so she feels ready to get out there. 

Cut yourself a break, these things take time to get over, no matter how badly we were treated. Our minds seem to cling to the good things for some stupid reason...trust me, I have been there, several times. ITs a major loss, and a major change in how we imagined our lives. Work on getting your life in order on your own, and take time to examine yourself and your role in your marriage, so you can work on being a better partner in the future. (not laying blame on you, we can all improve) Sorry you are struggling.


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## Kettlebelle (Nov 2, 2016)

I will agree that by focusing on her life you are keeping yourself in a dark place. You need to work on you. Bettering yourself for opportunities that will come along and learning from your mistakes. If you use this as a learning opportunity you will gain some good insight on why your dating attempts have been so awful.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

BassGuy919 said:


> My trying to date is an attempt to deal with the loss of my X. I am trying to find another long term partner, I'm not interested in a quick lay. So perhaps I am being too hasty, but I just don't want to stand around being a victim. I am not *that much* of a loser.
> 
> I don't want to be alone and I can't get her back, so I'm trying to find someone new..


Not a good dating strategy.


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