# For those who are not get'n any; do you make out with your spouse?



## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

I find that making out with my wife can be almost as good as sex, sometimes better, and sometimes leads to it if it gets too hot and heavy. If it does not lead to sex, it is a great tease that keeps you longing for your next touch.

If you are not having sex, or not having it enough, let me know if you still kiss. I don't mean a peak or a quick open mouth smooch. I mean a real, deep, passionate, long, kiss. Where you completely lose yourself and time. You forget where you are, you forget your problems. You forget the endless list of things that you do to keep yourself busy. All you have in your mind is your partner and how good you feel.

My thought is that if you are not having enough sex, try to kiss more. You may have to start with a peck and work your way up. Or, wouldn't it be just wild and crazy if you grabbed your spouse, took her in the next room and just had a good 'ole make out session. Can you spouse really object to that?

I think that it is impossible to not want to have sex with your partner after a good, long kiss. If your partner will not kiss you like this, unfortunately I think it means they are not attracted to you, right now. They can't say "I'm tired", or "I have a headache". If they can't make out with your spouse for more than 30 seconds, then you need to ask them why. They may make the above excuses, but it is not the truth. You need to insist on the truth, if they respect you they will tell you the truth. Even if it is the fact that they are not attracted to you, you need to know that. There are ways to build back the attraction they originally had, and kissing is one of those ways! If they can, I find it would be very hard for them not to want to jump your bones. Maybe not right then and there, but soon. 

Try it out and let me know the results!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Good idea! I'm game to try it. Just hope the hubby doesn't think that it will LEAD to sex, he thinks everything I do (such as asking him how he is doing) will lead to sex.

Sometimes I just want to bury my head in the sand!

But I'll try it and let you know how it goes...


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Come on guys. This has to be an easy solution to a better situation.

Worse case, your spouse does not like kissing you. If that is true, you have some big problems...."he's just not that into you."

Best case, your spouse digs kissing you and I have to believe that more passionate kissing must lead to more and better sex.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Thankfully I'm not threatened by it either. However, what I would feel threatened by would be if I was with someone who chose it over me. I see that alot here on these threads and in other forums. Where a woman will clearly state her spouse is watching porn and preferring it over her because he doesn't want her sexually, but then the whiners start it. But... but... porn is ok..its great all people do it..she should just get over it, blah blah,when that wasn't even what some peoples posts were about, or what they were trying to say. Some people just automatically assume, she doesn't like porn, she needs to get over it.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Sorry the above post was meant for another forum, I clicked the wrong post, lol


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## DudleyD (Jan 25, 2011)

My spouse stopped wanting to do that years ago... I've literally begged her to... she's "just not interested."

I've tried to get her to do all sorts of "non-intercourse" things just to show her that it's not all about that... because it really isn't.

But nope... if I try to kiss her she makes me feel like I'm some kind of rapist. I am at a complete loss...


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

DudleyD said:


> My spouse stopped wanting to do that years ago... I've literally begged her to... she's "just not interested."
> 
> I've tried to get her to do all sorts of "non-intercourse" things just to show her that it's not all about that... because it really isn't.
> 
> But nope... if I try to kiss her she makes me feel like I'm some kind of rapist. I am at a complete loss...


I think at that point, if she will not kiss you, she is not attracted to you. You need to build the desire back, through mutual respect, affection, communication and just dating again. Another thing you can do is just do what you want to do and improve yourself. Start going to the gym, take up more hobbies, be more independent. That will certainly increase her respect of you, possibly make you more desirable. If not more desirable in her eyes, then more desirable to the other woman in this world, because your only other choice after this is to leave... or just forget about it and be happy with your life. I would choose the former.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I would like to add too, sometimes its not that they may not be attracted to you physically. I know some may think well, yeah it is or they would be having sex. NO, not always. I think it depends on the person. 

For example. I dated a guy years ago, who was very good looking. So his appearance was fine, I had no problem with that. However, he caused me alot of hurt during our relationship. He had a bad attitude about things, etc, there were resentments there on my part for the things he had done etc. So therefore, I lost interest in him, and was no longer "emotionally attracted" to him.

For me, if the emotional part isn't there then chances are the physical part wont be there either. I'm not saying its like that for all women, everyone is different. There are some people who can separate, the physical side from the emotional side, I'm not one of those. I have a feeling it might be like that for alot of people though. Not feeling it emotionally sometimes equals not feeling it physically.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

CallaLily said:


> I would like to add too, sometimes its not that they may not be attracted to you physically. I know some may think well, yeah it is or they would be having sex. NO, not always. I think it depends on the person.
> 
> For example. I dated a guy years ago, who was very good looking. So his appearance was fine, I had no problem with that. However, he caused me alot of hurt during our relationship. He had a bad attitude about things, etc, there were resentments there on my part for the things he had done etc. So therefore, I lost interest in him, and was no longer "emotionally attracted" to him.
> 
> For me, if the emotional part isn't there then chances are the physical part wont be there either. I'm not saying its like that for all women, everyone is different. There are some people who can separate, the physical side from the emotional side, I'm not one of those. I have a feeling it might be like that for alot of people though. Not feeling it emotionally sometimes equals not feeling it physically.


I agree 100%. I am talking about attractiveness at all levels. Indeed for women it is more likely emotional attractiveness. That is why a kiss is a tell tale sign. I think it takes a lot more emotional attractiveness for a good kiss. 

He still has the problem of making her more emotionally attracted to him.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

hubby said:


> I agree 100%. I am talking about attractiveness at all levels. Indeed for women it is more likely emotional attractiveness. That is why a kiss is a tell tale sign. I think it takes a lot more emotional attractiveness for a good kiss.
> 
> He still has the problem of making her more emotionally attracted to him.


Makes sense.


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## DudleyD (Jan 25, 2011)

hubby said:


> I think at that point, if she will not kiss you, she is not attracted to you. You need to build the desire back, through mutual respect, affection, communication and just dating again. Another thing you can do is just do what you want to do and improve yourself. Start going to the gym, take up more hobbies, be more independent. That will certainly increase her respect of you, possibly make you more desirable. If not more desirable in her eyes, then more desirable to the other woman in this world, because your only other choice after this is to leave... or just forget about it and be happy with your life. I would choose the former.


Yeah, I go to the gym pretty much every day... very independent... that's what blows me away... I'm a decent looking guy, I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat but I'm "Dudley Do Right" 

I think you're right. I've actually been seeing an old friend lately.... I tried and gave up. 

For valentines day she's getting a wet sock.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Ah...that time of year again..... The time when the husband buys the wife a big bunch of red roses...all he gets in return is '..I'm still not giving you a BJ'..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dudley,
For valentines day - I would give her a card that says - mutual massage:
1. W massages husband in manner and for duration that she wishes to be massaged
2. H returns the favor

Thats it. Delivered with a smile and no comment at all. If she "accepts" the gift, fine. If she ignores it - fine as well. 

No lunch date, no dinner date. How could you possibly give a standard "gift" to your one romantic partner in life who has 100 percent shut down the romance on you. 




DudleyD said:


> Yeah, I go to the gym pretty much every day... very independent... that's what blows me away... I'm a decent looking guy, I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat but I'm "Dudley Do Right"
> 
> I think you're right. I've actually been seeing an old friend lately.... I tried and gave up.
> 
> For valentines day she's getting a wet sock.


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

We really don't kiss or make out anymore. It's like kissing- real KISSING and making out- has been relegated to foreplay. I miss it!


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## eli (Jan 29, 2011)

Clean your teeth. Please!


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## Nine-E (Oct 7, 2008)

I'm not getting any and we don't kiss, ever. She doesn't like it but I love it almost as much as sex itself. Too bad for me. 

"You knew what I was like when you married me", says she.


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Oddly enough, me and my wife don't kiss don't make out... Mostly I believe that when we were younger it was what drove us to being turned on... But we pretty much just get right to doing, with little detour... But there are still other ways of foreplay that pique our interest... But lack of kissing don't mean lack of sex in our union, but I think if you at least substitute it with some type of foreplay action... But whatever level foreplay remember, action at night start with all day foreplay beginning in the morning...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"You knew what I was like when you married me", says she"

And she knew you valued sex when she married you. From her point of view, you have no right to expect her to change to accomodate you but it's clearly her right to force you into pretending to be a passionless zombie for the rest of your days. 

I still kiss my wife, much like I might kiss a sister. Anything beyond that only frustrates both of us. I don't see the point of spending all day waxing a car which has no engine, either. I've brushed her hair, massaged her, done all the non-sexual touching a man can possibly do. It hasn't resulted in any increase in her libido. If you're starving, fondling a candy bar every day isn't the solution.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

I see it as being thirsty and melting an ice cube to get a drink, but maybe I am too naive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sometimes what appears to be an ice cube is really just a rock. The earth is 75% water. Doesn't make much sense to waste years of one's life coaxing a little moisture from ice cubes. It's worth some effort, but every day spent gazing longingly at ice cubes could be spent quenching one's thirst. One shouldn't have to beg for that which has been already promised.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> If you're starving, fondling a candy bar every day isn't the solution.


Holy crap that is funny!! :rofl::rofl:


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## r2d210 (Nov 3, 2010)

I used to think that way too. If I can just do enough stuff right, if the stars are alligned and there are no interruptions...maybe all this rubbing, combing, massaging, kissing and touching will pay off. A few years back I talked her into going to a bed and breakfast in Arizona for 3 nights and 4 days. It was a private bed and breakfast...for one couple at a time only. The part I was excited about was that it was a nude bed and breakfast. A house with a private pool, great view...and no clothing! My thinking was....if I can put her into a sensual setting...without interuptions....without kids, work or even a phone....she would give me some attention! Was I wrong? Yup...! Besides spending a lot of money...., we ended up arguing and I got drunk! Hey, I was drunk and naked! LOL! 

I was reading on a web site and the OP gave suggestions on Tips for getting more loving.....the first 2 were your standard beta guy stuff. But take a look at these two suggestions. Ladies, if you agree with this...please say so, but I was shaking my head! What planet is this guy from? 

3. Don’t let the bedroom be the ONLY place you make love with your wife. There are other rooms in the house that if used, add an element of excitement to lovemaking. More than one woman has reported to me that it was fun to make love on top of…or up against…the washing machine…WHILE IT WAS VIBRATING from the wash cycle.

Similarly, don’t let bedtime be the ONLY time you make love with your wife. There are other times of the day that if used, add an element of excitement to lovemaking.

Putting place and time together with a little bit of creativity…and you can end up making love in the back of your pickup truck…at noontime…under a shade-tree…or some equally “interesting” combination that really gives your wife a thrill.

4. For most females, when they were between the ages of 16 to 21, they had a LOT of romantic, sensual, intimate, and sexual thoughts going through their head at that time.

So, anything you can do to mentally link a woman back to a high-school or college type of setting…or state of mind…is likely to resurrect and revive the same kinds of thoughts NOW that she had back THEN.

With this in mind, if a you were to add a bit of high-school fantasy talk…as you were leading your wife into making love in the back of your pickup like I mentioned previously, it would likely create a very HOT encounter for the two of you.



WTF? Actually, I would love to make love in the back of a truck at lunch time...under a tree! Who wouldn't? Come on man! We are talking about getting our spouse to kiss us...! Sorry for the rant....but it is amazing what some people will tell us to try. If I could get my wife to do any of those above....we wouldn't be on this site! 

All this goes back to Mem's posting....to recipicate what you get. Beyond that....it is truly stating your needs and reminding her that you take care of hers. From there....you ask the question....."what can we do to make this work?" "If your unwilling to make an effort towards a positive outcome....then we both have a lot to think about"....and then....make sure she knows you mean it! BTW, my wife constantly tells me she don't like to kiss....becuase she is bad at it. I tell her....then to fix that .....we need more practice! I love to kiss...it is extremely erotic...and in fact...I can't kiss when making love. It puts me over the top instantly. Be strong, firm and make sure she knows where you stand!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

R2 has some really good stuff below. 

I have a couple of thoughts on this. Many, many sexless marriages START with the LD partner eliminating kissing from their sexual behaviors. At first they cut out kissing - but that is generally the distant warning sound of your sex life completely dying. 

That said there is no way I would have sex with my W if she wouldn't kiss me. I would firmly insist on an explanation:
- Maybe she needs to help me refine my technique - ok - thats fine. I would have her kiss "me" the way she wants "me" to kiss her. 
- If my breath is the problem - I would fix that - for instance I never eat anything with garlic in it unless she is with me and I know she will eat it also. 

And not only would I decline sex with a partner who wouldn't kiss me, I sure as hell wouldn't kiss a partner who wouldn't have sex with me. Feels like begging for crumbs. P.S. I "do" kiss her during the day as part of just light sex play. But that is a type of foreplay. 







r2d210 said:


> I used to think that way too. If I can just do enough stuff right, if the stars are alligned and there are no interruptions...maybe all this rubbing, combing, massaging, kissing and touching will pay off. A few years back I talked her into going to a bed and breakfast in Arizona for 3 nights and 4 days. It was a private bed and breakfast...for one couple at a time only. The part I was excited about was that it was a nude bed and breakfast. A house with a private pool, great view...and no clothing! My thinking was....if I can put her into a sensual setting...without interuptions....without kids, work or even a phone....she would give me some attention! Was I wrong? Yup...! Besides spending a lot of money...., we ended up arguing and I got drunk! Hey, I was drunk and naked! LOL!
> 
> I was reading on a web site and the OP gave suggestions on Tips for getting more loving.....the first 2 were your standard beta guy stuff. But take a look at these two suggestions. Ladies, if you agree with this...please say so, but I was shaking my head! What planet is this guy from?
> 
> ...


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## midlifecrisis (Jan 30, 2011)

Wow!!! Callalily, you hit the nail on the head. I totally agree with everything you said. If someone does not treat you well, it doesn't matter what they look like! My husband is a very handsome man, but he doesn't treat me well, in my opinion. Therefore, if there is no emotional attraction, the physical attraction isn't there either.
Well said! I feel like you took the words right out of my mouth!:iagree:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Naturally, one should treat their spouse well, but withholding sex is just plain abusive. There is a cost associated with withholding sex. It would be unreasonable to think otherwise. The price might be an adultary, a divorce, or that your neglected spouse may not feel all lovey dovey and willing to dump loads of adoration on you. Whatever the cost is, the one doing the neglecting has earned it.


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## Mrs. In Love..But (Jan 11, 2011)

That might have been a good suggestion months ago, but I have so much resentment built up its hard to get close.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardrocker03 (Feb 15, 2011)

The anger and resentment builds quickly. I went through a phase where my wife refused to kiss me during sex. She thought it was pretty funny to tease. Not to mention I had to beg for sex anyway. I think it is a power thing.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

Oh yes I make out with my Wife, I do it to make her think it will lead to something else and then I just don't let it lead anywhere.

This makes her feel more comfortable around me, so she doesn't think im going after sex every time I touch her.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

My husband and I haven't made out in years. We also don't have sex all that much either. I am starting to resent him. Pretty soon I won't want to have sex with him anymore.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Naturally, one should treat their spouse well, but withholding sex is just plain abusive. There is a cost associated with withholding sex. It would be unreasonable to think otherwise. The price might be an adultary, a divorce, or that your neglected spouse may not feel all lovey dovey and willing to dump loads of adoration on you. Whatever the cost is, the one doing the neglecting has earned it.


:iagree:


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## Clarence Rutherford (Feb 13, 2011)

hubby said:


> I find that making out with my wife can be almost as good as sex, sometimes better, and sometimes leads to it if it gets too hot and heavy. If it does not lead to sex, it is a great tease that keeps you longing for your next touch.
> 
> *If you are not having sex, or not having it enough, let me know if you still kiss.* I don't mean a peak or a quick open mouth smooch. I mean a real, deep, passionate, long, kiss. Where you completely lose yourself and time. You forget where you are, you forget your problems. You forget the endless list of things that you do to keep yourself busy. All you have in your mind is your partner and how good you feel.
> 
> ...


Hubby, 
I haven't read any of the replies, but let me thank you for your suggestion.
I have been in a sexless marriage for the past 6-7 years.
But it's improving.
We are cuddling and kissing much more as I strived to restore emotional intimacy. I figure the great sex will follow.

But this kissing advice, that's spot-on. I plan to do more of it.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Clarence Rutherford said:


> Hubby,
> I haven't read any of the replies, but let me thank you for your suggestion.
> I have been in a sexless marriage for the past 6-7 years.
> But it's improving.
> ...


Thanks. I hope it works out for you Clarence


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## Clarence Rutherford (Feb 13, 2011)

Tool said:


> Oh yes I make out with my Wife, I do it to make her think it will lead to something else and then I just don't let it lead anywhere.
> 
> This makes her feel more comfortable around me, so she doesn't think im going after sex every time I touch her.


Tool,
I'm going to have to use this technique.
Sounds like the push-pull method. Pull away and suddenly she gets attracted to you, something she can't have!


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## Clarence Rutherford (Feb 13, 2011)

hubby said:


> Thanks. I hope it works out for you Clarence


It is going much better.
Haven't posted this here but may. Have posted it on other boards and received diff. advice.

We live in sep. states. In July, she moved back to where we're from (halfway across the country) to be close to her aging and ill parents and to get a better job.
I was supposed to go too after the home sold but it won't sell, so I stayed here.

It's not so great for her there and she's decided to return. She needs to get a job, so no date yet on when she's returning.

I miss her like crazy and tell her how I'm so lonely and nothing without her (other women on another board told me women like hearing that).

I've been up there with her for weeks over the holidays and she's flown her a couple of times. I've purchased Christian marital sex books and have learned things I knew nothing about in satisfying a woman. Never knew women need long periods of foreplay and that her enjoyment needs to come first

We ML 3X one Sunday over Tgiving. weekend. And we ML a time or two over Christmas week. 
We're not daily nor even 2-3X a week, but it's improving.


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## Clarence Rutherford (Feb 13, 2011)

About kissing, it is very intimate.

We are cuddling much more than we ever have (at least in a decade- we've been married 14 years). 
We spend longer times kissing and cuddling as well.

At Tgiving, she gave me a lonnnnnnnnnnnnng kiss, like 5-10 mins. She wouldn't take her lips off mine.
I was like in heaven.

When we last ML, I told her I can't rely on caressing and kissing her breasts anymore to get her "in the mood" during foreplay.
She told me the kissing and cuddling does it more now than the other, so OP, you are really onto something.
There's like a magic in cuddling and kissing.

She's flying here in two weekends. It seems so close..... I want to be with her so bad.
Then she's back for a weekend in March....

Sorry I'm posting a lot in this thread but feel I need to say it.


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## Clarence Rutherford (Feb 13, 2011)

I've started my own thread on this topic here.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/22004-my-long-distance-marriage.html


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## Clarence Rutherford (Feb 13, 2011)

We make out a lot. Much more than we used to.
Cuddle now every night.

The LM is once a week or so, but that's a lot better than once a year !!!!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I would love to just make out with my wife. She's even less receptive to that than she is about sex.


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## sofie (Mar 20, 2011)

hubby said:


> I can .
> 
> If you are not having sex, or not having it enough, let me know if you still kiss. I don't mean a peak or a quick open mouth smooch. I mean a real, deep, passionate, long, kiss. Where you completely lose yourself and time. You forget where you are, you forget your problems. You forget the endless list of things that you do to keep yourself busy. All you have in your mind is your partner and how good you feel.
> 
> ...


*Actually I tried that* *out, just before I red this. I thought he is not much into sex, always afraid I ask for that, he has his troubles, I try as less as I can.
But maybe he likes to kiss more. 
Bummer, I sat on his lap and he let himself kiss, kissed a bit back, while keeping his hands on his side. He tells me that I have to tell him when I want to be kissed back. He says I want too much romance. Darn, I just want him to like it*.
.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

> But nope... if I try to kiss her she makes me feel like I'm some kind of rapist. I am at a complete loss... :iagree:


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

So my wife has not and will not kiss me, been going on years now. I am really frustrated with her and our relationship and sex life but I feel the core starting point is kissing. 
She is as cold as ice.. never initiates anything. I cannot touch here below the waist, she never touches me.
FUBAR.......


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## Girlinthemirror (Jun 24, 2011)

The last time my husband and I really kissed was a few weeks ago. Before that I don't even remember, we don't have sex often either.


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## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

An *assertive* husband who acts *decisively* to attract and romance his wife will find that the intimacy needed to kiss and start sexual engagement will come a lot easier. 

I speak of a well rounded approach, ie.: being more of his own person, responsive, communicative, physically attractive (The Biggest Loser type initiative), pursues her with a passionate fervor. 

The amount that you invest in a relationship is the same that you get out of it. 

If a spouse refuses to respond back, intensive communication and deep issue resolution is required.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Rough Patch Sewing said:


> An *assertive* husband who acts *decisively* to attract and romance his wife will find that the intimacy needed to kiss and start sexual engagement will come a lot easier.


Assertiveness and decisiveness will only only help you to get what is already on the table. Otherwise, it's like goint to your boss in the middle of an economic downturn and the company's going downhill at full tilt and asking for a raise. It doesn't matter how decisive and assertive you are, raises aren't on the table.



> The amount that you invest in a relationship is the same that you get out of it.


Not necessarily. If we're using business-type terms, I believe that there are some people who are the equivalent of asset strippers in relationships. They take your investment and you won't see any return on it. 


> If a spouse refuses to respond back, intensive communication and deep issue resolution is required.


Oh hell yes it is.


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