# Wife has fallen for a fantasy



## maudite (Aug 29, 2011)

About a year ago my wife started dieting and exercising to lose weight. She's been incredibly successful and I supported her completely the entire time. She's lost about 80lbs. About a month ago she dropped a bomb on me. She had fallen in love with someone else and was no longer attracted to me. To make it exceptionally hard the someone else is not real. He is a fantasy she made up in her mind. 

Apparently he was writing to her over the internet on various blogs and message boards and helped her see things within herself she nor I had been able to. She resents me for not seeing these things and insists I have never done anything for her nor truly known her during our 13 years together, been married 5, have 2 kids. 

I have to admit that she has been improving herself since then and is making some really good personal growth but this fantasy is consuming her. She has started mourning him because he no longer writes to her. She has replaced the loss of his writing with him communicating with her via the radio by playing songs she likes. She is constantly thinking about him and comparing me to him. He's perfect in every way and not real. How can I compare to that? 

She says that she fantasizes about him sexually even though he has no face. She is in love with what he has done for her and his perceived personality which is 100% alpha male. She sees herself as the weak little housewife who needs to be totally dominated but her actions and goals are anything but. She is still dieting and exercising. She has started several new hobbies and is intent on moving out of the house as soon as she gets a job and becomes financially independent. 

She feels that by moving out she and I will become stronger people and the children will be better off. She is certain of this. We are both good parents and dedicated to our kids but I'm worried about her choice here because of her past. She has grabbed onto ideas in the past and run with them like this despite my warnings and they always end up bad. She falls and picks up something else. This is what I see happening again despite her assurances that this fantasy is her ultimate motivation whom she will never let down.

She's prepared to be celibate for the rest of her life because of this fantasy, she doesn't want to divorce me and has insisted that she will always be faithful to our vows. She's also been encouraging me to go sleep with other women because that's what men are supposed to do. She feels that her past sexual fantasies were corrupt and wrong and that only this one is pure. She has completely rejected physical intimacy for life as of right now because of her dedication to this fantasy guy. 

It's almost like she has picked up on the hyper extremes of the alpha male and female roles and latched onto them trying to make it a reality for both of us. I have my beta tendencies but don't consider myself so. I can be lazy on occasion and procrastinate all of which are major issues she has picked up with me. It's like I have to be doing something manly all the time in order for her to not be upset with me about something.

She never stops working or doing something anymore. She sleeps 4 hours a night. She refuses to eat properly and constantly insists she needs to lose 5 more pounds. She had been making herself throw up but has since stopped that since I found out. She'll eat 900-1200 calories a day and then eat like 5000 on one day and beat herself up over it and exercise excessively while doing a day of even lower calories than normal. She cooks these fantastic healthy meals for me and the kids but refuses to eat them herself always insisting she had already eaten too many calories that day. She'll have a salad. I think the crazy diet and lack of sleep is causing some of this stuff. I've on numerous occasions tried to push her to do 1600-1800 calories per day but she refuses to do it and I can't force her to eat. 

I'm not sure where to go with this. She has given hints that there is a chance for me but I have to become better than this fantasy man. I have to start telling her about her inner self through metaphor and playing songs for her on the radio, making cloud hearts for her and a bunch of other impossible tasks. 

Normally everything I say is met with anger and resentment. Everything I say and do is wrong because I'm not good enough to understand what she is doing or what I need to do. Whenever I do something right she gets upset because she says I'm doing it for her and not myself. Everything she is doing is for herself, everything I have to do must be for myself. 

On occasion she will listen to what I have to say and not react in anger. I can tell she takes it in but dismisses it because I'm not worthy of being listened to or giving her advice about anything. 

I want to help her through whatever this thing is. I love my wife very much and many of the things she has said to me are totally untrue even though she insists they are. I want to keep my family together. 

She is seeing a therapist but refuses to tell her about this fantasy. She refuses to go to couples counseling. She thinks she has all the answers for herself and me and the family already and the therapist is only to help her work through some of her childhood problems. She was in the middle of a bitter divorce and used as a pawn. She also experienced some physical, not sexual abuse.

What am I supposed to be doing here?


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

Sounds to me like your woman has slowly become self destructive. Her obsession with an internet romance, her forcing herself to throw up in order to loose the next 5 pounds re all signs of serious trouble for you in future. I recommend preparing yourself for the inevitable split. 

Sadly you cant change people, however people do change over time. unfortunately in your woman's case, he change isn't for the better.


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## maudite (Aug 29, 2011)

No it's not for the better. The internet romance is for a made up person. He's not real in any way. She has taken random writings and associated them with him writing them as different people all for her sake. She think he even wrote her a book. I came home one day and she had covered the ceiling fan insisting he had broken into the house and installed a camera in it. We no longer have a ceiling fan in the bedroom. 

She's always had a tendency to read to into things. To find metaphors that fit with her in all sorts of ways from all sorts of things. I've had to stop her from doing it in the past many times because she obsesses over it. This just exploded in grand fashion and I don't know how to stop it this time because it includes the rejection of me being a voice for good or of reason.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You may want to post this in "Coping with Infidelity" for more responses.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

maudite said:


> I'm not sure where to go with this. *She has given hints that there is a chance for me but I have to become better than this fantasy man. *
> What am I supposed to be doing here?


Time to take a stand. Tell her "There is a chance for you but you ahve to be better for me than someone who has one foot out the door." 

You need to start respecting yourself Maud, because she doesn't. 

Set a hard boundary with a hard consequence. Right now, she is cake-eating. because you're tolerating it.

Stop tolerating it.

Tell her she is either 100% committed to the marriage or not. If she's not, tell her you wont' live in an open marriage or with someone who isn't willing to put forth the same effort.

If she can't step up to that, then you have your answer. 

You deserve better. 

You know that.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Ok, so was there ever someone specific writing to your wife on the internet? 

She honestly sounds mentally ill.

I think she needs a wake up call, something to jolt her back to reality. 

I don't think all the things your wife is saying are bad, A lot of women benefit from being in a relationship with an driven alpha male, who also is thoughtful and does loving things for her. However a lot of what you are saying is bizarre.

If she wants an alpha male, why don't you step right up and tell her how it's going to be, and stick by what you say. For instance tell her on no uncertain terms that you aren't sure if you want to be married to her but in order to remain married you will need

-marriage counseling
- for her to tell her IC about her fantasies/ delusions
-For you to be sexual with each other
- for her to be healthy, which includes no extreme dieting and setting bad examples for your children.

Let her know as the head of the household, these are non negotiable. That you are willing to do your part in the marriage, to be the leader etc but she has to do her part too.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Is she taking diet drugs because they sometimes severly affect the takers mind. She might need severe detox to clear her head. 

Can you go to her therapist and tell them what's going on. They can tell you stuff but they can listen to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Your wife sounds like she has become a bit unhinged and also perhaps has an eating disorder.

Here's some information on how to cope with someone who has an eating disorder: Helping Someone with an Eating Disorder: Advice for Parents, Family Members, and Friends

As for everything else, I agree with the person who suggested you discuss this with her therapist. It may also be worth a discussion with her doctor, and if you are close to her parents or some other close member of her family or a close friend, enlist their help as well.

Is she currently on any kind of medication, such as anti-depressants?

Best wishes.


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## maudite (Aug 29, 2011)

Syrum said:


> If she wants an alpha male, why don't you step right up and tell her how it's going to be, and stick by what you say. For instance tell her on no uncertain terms that you aren't sure if you want to be married to her but in order to remain married you will need
> 
> -marriage counseling
> - for her to tell her IC about her fantasies/ delusions
> ...


I've done this. She has told me that I am not worthy of telling her what she needs to do regarding anything. She's said she wants me to be but I'm having trouble getting her to recognize that I am worthy because she will not let go of the fantasy who is in control of her right now.


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## maudite (Aug 29, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Is she taking diet drugs because they sometimes severly affect the takers mind. She might need severe detox to clear her head.
> 
> Can you go to her therapist and tell them what's going on. They can tell you stuff but they can listen to you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She was taking some otc stuff. Think it was Stacker. I threw it away. She bought more and hides it from me now.


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## maudite (Aug 29, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Your wife sounds like she has become a bit unhinged and also perhaps has an eating disorder.
> 
> Here's some information on how to cope with someone who has an eating disorder: Helping Someone with an Eating Disorder: Advice for Parents, Family Members, and Friends
> 
> ...


thanks for the eating disorder info. Checking it out. I confronted her about not telling the therapist and she got aggressively angry and threatened to make my life miserable if I told her therapist about the fantasy man.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

I think she needs more than a therapist. This sounds serious enough for admittance to a mental health facility


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She's suffering some major mental breakdown either because of the diet drugs or a natural problem in her brain. 

Either way you need to stop trying to talk it out with her. She isn't acting rationally so you are not going to talk her into being rational 

Go see a doctor about your concerns. If she gets more paranoid she may do something dangerous to herself or others.

This is way more than her fantasying about a dream guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

maudite said:


> The internet romance is for a made up person. He's not real in any way. She has taken random writings and associated them with him writing them as different people all for her sake. She think he even wrote her a book. I came home one day and she had covered the ceiling fan insisting he had broken into the house and installed a camera in it. We no longer have a ceiling fan in the bedroom.


This is literally insane behavior, she is delusional. You need to get her evaluated by a psychiatrist or similar mental health expert. Seriously, you need to do this NOW.


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## maudite (Aug 29, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> She's suffering some major mental breakdown either because of the diet drugs or a natural problem in her brain.
> 
> Either way you need to stop trying to talk it out with her. She isn't acting rationally so you are not going to talk her into being rational
> 
> ...


I know this, I do. It's killing me. She's terrified of being put into a hospital for what's going on. That's why she got so angry when I told her I was going to tell her therapist if she didn't. She can kind of see it's irrational on occasion but won't let it go.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to talk to a psychiatrist, tell him whats going on. From what your saying your wife is living in a fantasy world. He can advise you. Has she talked to any professional that you can also talk to. You need to get a handle on this soon before something dangerous happens. She's very unstable.


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## aeg512 (Mar 22, 2011)

You have no choice if you wish to save your M other than get her into treatment. You W is way out in left field. Do you have a family doctor you both go to? If so, make an appointment to go talk with him/her about the way your wife is acting. If not, you have no choice but to talk to your W's therapist. Do not tell your W in advance but let the therapist bring it up during a session with her. If she breaks apart they may be able to send her to a hospital even though she does not wish to go. She needs treatment, things will not improve without it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maudite (Aug 29, 2011)

We talked yesterday afternoon when I got home from work. Every day she has some new way of justifying what she is doing. Yesterday she told me that our entire relationship was fake. She had planned it out and played it exactly as she had scripted it. Nothing was real about it. She even told me that during sex I never made her get off, it was her doing it to herself. 

Nothing I have ever done was ever good for her. Us being together is destructive and all I ever did was drag her down with me and hold her back from finding her true potential. I don't know how she can believe any of this. I have constantly pushed her to reach her potential. Supported her goals and her ambitions. I loved seeing her succeed. She'd let me down with a lot of it. She started writing several books and would just stop. When I asked why she'd make up some excuse and move on to something else and get frustrated if I would bring up the old thing. Her ideas and writing is fantastic. She even started a blog that was becoming pretty successful but pulled it thinking this fantasy man and his cohorts were using it to spy on her somehow.

I cannot force her to get help for this. Unless she is a threat to herself or others she has to initiate it. I'm still debating whether to call her therapist, leaning toward not. I still have the hope that this is some strange phase she will get through and would rather not increase the tension between us right now. She's moving out as soon as she gets a job and has enough money for her own place. Her plan is to have the kids live with me and I will pay her to be daycare until I get home from work and pick them up in the evenings. That ain't gonna happen. I'm not going to give her money if I don't have to. I'm also not sure when she's planning to be able to work doing that. Especially work to sustain herself. 

She wants to live forever alone until her fantasy comes to get her. I asked if she thought she would regret it when she's 50-60 and looks back and he's never come. She said he's worth it, did the sigh of ecstasy and the smile as she thought about him for a moment. She used to do that little sigh and smile for me. This hurts a lot but there is nothing I have been able to do to get through to her. Can't convince her that any of what she is doing could be bad in any way. She admits she doesn't really know where she is going with this or what she wants or what this fantasy wants of her but she's just going with it because he's wonderful and always knows what's right. She's expecting everything to be perfect as soon as she gets away from me. 

Spoke with her mother about some of this. She called me to ask what was going on with her. She's as baffled as me and has told me about times when she would talk about how much she loved me and how great we were together. One of those times was as recent as about 2 months ago when we were out there visiting.

I'm just taking care of the kids and making it through the torrent of accusatory stares, the hurtful comments, the rolling eyes and general resentment of everything I say and do while watching her brighten up and smile about throwing the rest of her life away on something that will never be.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I think this is in the wrong forum, this sounds to me like schizophrenia or schizophrenia like symptoms of another disorder 
Definitely talk to a doctor about what is going in, do not fear that she will be angry because it is in her best interests that she get proper treatment, she can become dangerous to herself, you, and the kids if you don't
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

When someone is living in an alternate reality, the are psychotic. She needs more than a therapist, but I would definitely talk to the Dr. so he/she can try to convince her to get the help she needs. Under no circumstances should you get into her fantasy with her. Her hurtful comments and resentment of you are not based on reality and are a manifestation of her illness. You will have to develop a very thick skin.


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## maudite (Aug 29, 2011)

grizabella said:


> When someone is living in an alternate reality, the are psychotic. She needs more than a therapist, but I would definitely talk to the Dr. so he/she can try to convince her to get the help she needs. Under no circumstances should you get into her fantasy with her. Her hurtful comments and resentment of you are not based on reality and are a manifestation of her illness. You will have to develop a very thick skin.


I'm still debating whether to call her therapist or not. I found her new weight loss pills last night. She's been taking Hydroxycut Max. There was a class action suit against the manufacturer and I've found a number of discussions about people experiencing psychosis and delusions after taking it. 

She called me at work this morning freaking out. She couldn't find her car keys and was sure her fantasy had broken into the house and taken them to prevent her from going anywhere today. I had put them in my pocket this morning when I picked them up off the floor and forgot.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

maudite said:


> Spoke with her mother about some of this. She called me to ask what was going on with her. She's as baffled as me and has told me about times when she would talk about how much she loved me and how great we were together. One of those times was as recent as about 2 months ago when we were out there visiting.


I would suggest that you and your MIL get together and see a therapist to explain your wife's condition. Two of the closest people coming together to help their loved one and seeking the advice of a therapist, can form a very powerful team. The therapist can give you some very good advice as to how to handle your wife. It can also serve as documented proof that you and your MIL acted with the best of intentions to help your wife, IF she turns nasty and tries to punish you and her mother. Don't wait until it becomes a 'too little, too late' situation.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

maudite said:


> I'm still debating whether to call her therapist or not. I found her new weight loss pills last night. She's been taking Hydroxycut Max. There was a class action suit against the manufacturer and I've found a number of discussions about people experiencing psychosis and delusions after taking it.
> 
> She called me at work this morning freaking out. She couldn't find her car keys and was sure her fantasy had broken into the house and taken them to prevent her from going anywhere today. I had put them in my pocket this morning when I picked them up off the floor and forgot.



You must get professional help, taking away diet pills won't do this alone

You need to be strong for your wife and kids and get her the help she desperately needs


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I agree to get her mom on the same page/team


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Let me stress how important it is that you get professional help


You say she has done things and then said that fantasy man did them for her

well it isn't a big stretch to imagine that sometime soon fantasy man will decide that you are in the way of his true love and that you must be dealt with, the next thing you know you're standing in the kitchen looking in disbelief as your wife is standing there with a knife while your children are in the next room


You think this isn't possible?

Think again, my neighbor was stabbed 180 times to death by her own schizophrenic son who was compelled to do it by "outside forces" (as he put it) This is not a lie. This is what can happen when schizophrenia or schizophrenic like symptoms go unmedicated or untreated


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Agree - get help NOW. I would probably take the children out of the house as well - get them to a trusted friend or relative.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Sorry to say maudite, but your wife is what is technically called "batsh!t crazy". You can't debate, explain, wait out, or wish away batsh!t crazy.

There are three possibilities.
1. Your wife doesn't get help and stays batsh!t crazy.
2. Your wife gets help and stays batsh!t crazy.
3. Your wife gets help and is able to manage her condition.

As you can see, the only hope for bringing your wife back to reality is to get her off her diet drugs and possibly get her on some antipsychotics.

Do it now. Your home is rapidly becoming a dangerous place for you and your children.

My idea is this. Get the kids a babysitter and get your wife in the car. Either trick her that you are taking her on a trip, or bark at her drill sergeant style. She says she wants to be dominated, so dominate the sh!t out of her. Most states have emergency, involuntary commitment of 72 hours for psychiatric patients. During that time, doctors can evaluate her.

Good luck.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

maudite said:


> would rather not increase the tension between us right now.


Dude, she's leaving you for a made-up fantasy person who may or may not even really exist, is convincing her to be rid of you completely...and you are worried about _increasing the tension _between you?? You're _both _delusional then...



maudite said:


> I cannot force her to get help for this. Unless she is a threat to herself or others she has to initiate it. I'm still debating whether to call her therapist, leaning toward not. I still have the hope that this is some strange phase she will get through


Yes, you can...I do not agree. A mental health professional, as everyone here is telling you, needs to be brough in and brought in NOW. 
You -- and frankly more importantly your KIDS -- are potentially in a dangerous situation here, and you are now starting to contribute by not protecting them and yourself.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Sorry to say maudite, but your wife is what is technically called "batsh!t crazy". You can't debate, explain, wait out, or wish away batsh!t crazy.
> 
> There are three possibilities.
> 1. Your wife doesn't get help and stays batsh!t crazy.
> ...


I agree with what you say but I wish you show OP more sensitivity by not calling his wife "batsh!tcrazy". I believe it's a fine term to use for those who do something dumb or out of the ordinary but OP's wife has a serious disorder. It's akin to calling a mentally challenged person a tard.


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## mr.miketastic (Aug 5, 2010)

Lookk up:
Stimulant psychosis - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## maudite (Aug 29, 2011)

I've been reading about delusional disorders and her situation fits pretty well with a couple of the subtypes. The problem is that these people have to want treatment. You can't just drop them off at the hospital and say evaluate her and even if I could she's still rational enough in every other capacity to get through an evaluation. The only way someone will be admitted involuntarily is if they become a threat to themselves or others. She hasn't done that and being stable in every other aspect of her life nobody who met her wold know there was anything wrong. Even if I did tell her therapist all she could do is bring it up with her to talk about. I guarantee that would end any and all therapy she is doing now and in the future and just further increase the resentment toward me.

She just called me again and apologized for the mean things she said last night and has decided she doesn't want to move out anymore. She wants us to live as friends so that we can give the kids a good start in life as a family. She wants to worry about our living situation at some later time.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Maudite. She is not moving out for one reason. Reality! She realizes deep down that this guy is a fantasy. At this point, you need to encourage her that she was right and that she should move out. Reverse psychology. She will then start coming up with reasons to stay.


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## maudite (Aug 29, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> Maudite. She is not moving out for one reason. Reality! She realizes deep down that this guy is a fantasy. At this point, you need to encourage her that she was right and that she should move out. Reverse psychology. She will then start coming up with reasons to stay.


I think she decided not to move out because she realized it was going to be much harder on her than she thought and will not result in the bliss she is expecting. I tried to tell her that last night and I guess it finally sunk in. Maybe she is beginning to listen to me. She truly believes this guy is real. I have seen no cracks in that belief......yet. 

I'm going to try and schedule some family things. Try to get her mind off her fantasy and show her how good the family is together. Maybe it will slowly degrade the delusion if she is exposed to the positive things she already has. If that happens she may be willing to seek some professional help.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She is your wife and she is mentally ill. Talk to the doctors talk to the therapist talk to whomever will listen to get her into treatment including detox. 

Stop wishing it will get better it won't without help

She is already having trouble distinguishing fantasy and reality and this woman is caring for kids and driving a car.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

yeah, what's disturbing is she says you can sleep with other women, because that's what men are supposed to do, but she'll remain faithful to a phantom guy? Dude, you need to get her to a professional. Lie to her, drag her there...whatever it takes.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Stop wishing it will get better it won't without help


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

maudite said:


> I've been reading about delusional disorders and her situation fits pretty well with a couple of the subtypes. The problem is that these people have to want treatment. You can't just drop them off at the hospital and say evaluate her and even if I could she's still rational enough in every other capacity to get through an evaluation. The only way someone will be admitted involuntarily is if they become a threat to themselves or others. She hasn't done that and being stable in every other aspect of her life nobody who met her wold know there was anything wrong. Even if I did tell her therapist all she could do is bring it up with her to talk about. I guarantee that would end any and all therapy she is doing now and in the future and just further increase the resentment toward me.
> 
> She just called me again and apologized for the mean things she said last night and has decided she doesn't want to move out anymore. She wants us to live as friends so that we can give the kids a good start in life as a family. She wants to worry about our living situation at some later time.


so you dont even want to try because you may anger her?

Wake up, you need to help your wife, you need to protect yourself and the children


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## maudite (Aug 29, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> so you dont even want to try because you may anger her?
> 
> Wake up, you need to help your wife, you need to protect yourself and the children


Me and her mother are both pushing for her to seek help. We cannot force her against her will. There has been no indication of danger to anyone. Her treatment at this point must be voluntary. Trust me, I'm doing what I legally can to push her to get help. 

I'm reluctant to tell the therapist because I know for sure that she will leave as soon as it is brought up and never return to therapy again. Any threat to her fantasy will be avoided and pushed away. I'd rather see her continue going to therapy with the chance she may initiate it after pressure from me and her mother than for her to not seek help with anything at all.

I understand what you all are saying but it's not as easy as throwing her in the car and driving her to the hospital or telling the therapist to talk to her about it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How can therapy help if they don't understand the issue?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

No disrespect to your wife but, clearly she's not playing with a full deck.

Can you talk to a doctor about what options you have? One of them has to have some idea on legal/medical issues.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Hey, look, we only have 115 pages until this reaches the length of Sham's thread.

Anyway, this is going to be a long road, maud. A delicate one at that. I think she should go, but imagine if maud and his MIL put the wife into the car and told her they were going to dinner. Then they pulled into the clinic parking lot. She would hate them both for the rest of her life.

But maybe that's necessary at this point.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

maudite said:


> I'm reluctant to tell the therapist because I know for sure that she will leave as soon as it is brought up and never return to therapy again. Any threat to her fantasy will be avoided and pushed away. I'd rather see her continue going to therapy with the chance she may initiate it after pressure from me and her mother than for her to not seek help with anything at all.
> 
> I understand what you all are saying but it's not as easy as throwing her in the car and driving her to the hospital or telling the therapist to talk to her about it.


I understand, but I'd still tell the therapist -- the issue, and your fear of what your wife will do when 'confronted', so that the therapist will not address it directly with her.

As far as just showing her how great family life is so that she will miss it, I think you're way off base in that strategy fwiw. You have seen the result of an early 180-ish action, her seeing the cold reality of life on her own in fantasyland, not all peachy and rosy. There needs to be more of this direction, imho... I fee lfor you; this is rough. But being "nice" has gotten you to this point, where she wants to allow you to be in an open marriage while you provide for her and her fantasylife, "for the sake of the kids".... unhealthy all the way around.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Here's my thoughts...

You're enabling her behavior with the way you're responding to her. As long as you continue to do this, she has no reason to change. In the same way that a drug addict or alcohic has to hit bottom before they can see that they need to change and seek help.

Think about it, anyway. She's apparently aware enough to know that being on her own won't be all rainbows and unicorns. So as long as you're willing to feed her, house her, and let her live in her fantasy world, it's all good. For her, anyway. It's not good for you and your kids, though.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> I agree with what you say but I wish you show OP more sensitivity by not calling his wife "batsh!tcrazy". I believe it's a fine term to use for those who do something dumb or out of the ordinary but OP's wife has a serious disorder. It's akin to calling a mentally challenged person a tard.


I agree that it is insensitive. And I used it purposely. While I do have sensitivity for the mentally ill, my intent in using the term is to wake the OP up to the fact that his wife isn't going through a phase that will harmlessly pass away.

In order to solve a problem, you must first identify the problem. The OP's problem is that his wife is delusional. That is a serious problem that needs serious actions to handle. So far, the OP and his wife are doing nothing. That suggests that the OP hasn't yet accepted the reality of his problem.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Maudite.......

I am concerned for you and your kids. Your wife sounds like she is going off the deep edge. She needs help, and as the father of your kids it is your duty to protect them and yourself for theirsake. 

Just google "mother kills children heared voices" or "mother kills chidlren hearing voices" what comes up will make you sick and hopefully more concerned for your kids and your safety.

*Is it far fetch for her someday soon to hear voices from her fantasy man that if only you or your kids were out of the picture they could be together. That if she eliminates you or/and the children the only barrier to her happiness and her dream life will be gone.*

If you review the cases that come up on google you will notice that most were not violent or seen as a threat to their loved ones until the day they murdered their children/lovedones. 

I would cast a wide net in trying to find help, local hospitals, the county or state mental health department, the police......

I think you should secretly record all you conversations with her, record your land line phone calls (Radio Shack or a similar store can help, if you have the money, maybe a private investigator can help) gather evidence of her illness, you may get enough for a 72 hour hold (Calif) or some other intervention.

Best of luck.....


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## maudite (Aug 29, 2011)

The past few days have been very positive. We've had some good open honest and calm talks about things and she's been doing a lot of thinking. She is becoming happier and has started talking about the future in the house we are in and what she wants to do with the garden next year. She has initiated hugs and rubs my back instead of giving me the annoying uncomfortable back pat. One thing she used to do was touch my foot in bed when she slept. She's started doing that again and will even rub it gently every once in a while. She's not as angry and doesn't constantly attack me and roll her eyes at everything I do and say. 

She asked me to put the ceiling fan back up and has said that the fantasy isn't contacting her at all anymore, even by the radio. She's completely cut out caffeine and no longer has those pills. She's eating better and cut back on the excessive exercise. She's also started relaxing a lot more. I can see the stress is reduced. I dunno what's happened but I guess our talks are beginning to sink in. She still believes in the fantasy guy but pretty much all the other crazy things are gone. Something is improving. I just hope it keeps up and there will be a crack in her belief about the fantasy and she will be willing to seek help.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

your wife still can and likely will relapse, while she has some clarity, get her to tell a medical doctor


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## maudite (Aug 29, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> your wife still can and likely will relapse, while she has some clarity, get her to tell a medical doctor


She's got an appointment with her therapist this afternoon. I'm going to ask her again to bring it up and do what I can to convince her that there is nothing wrong with talking about it and they cannot involuntarily commit her. She's afraid they will instantly find her crazy and throw her into a hospital.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

then stress to her that the alternative is much much worse


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

If her therapist doesn't know the whole story she can't use the tools at her disposal and the sessions will be a waste of time and money. Have you ever heard of intervention? People can get help when they don't want it. I would say you need to get some professional help as well. Mental illnes does not just go away with some heart to hearts so she will relapse or more likely stop using the energy to affect behavior she knows you want to see. Mr. Fantasy may come back with a vengance. Keep your guard up!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

maudite said:


> She's completely cut out caffeine and no longer has those pills. She's eating better and cut back on the excessive exercise. She's also started relaxing a lot more. I can see the stress is reduced. I dunno what's happened but I guess our talks are beginning to sink in. She still believes in the fantasy guy but pretty much all the other crazy things are gone. Something is improving. I just hope it keeps up and there will be a crack in her belief about the fantasy and she will be willing to seek help.


The fact that she's stopped consuming all that crappy stuff is a good sign because it may have been an important contributing factor to her mental condition. Just like many people have powerful allergic reactions to certain foods and substances.



> She's got an appointment with her therapist this afternoon. I'm going to ask her again to bring it up and do what I can to convince her that there is nothing wrong with talking about it and they cannot involuntarily commit her. She's afraid they will instantly find her crazy and throw her into a hospital.


Inform her that the only way that the only way for her to be institutionalized into a psychiatric hospital is if there was clear evidence that she was a danger to herself and/or others close to her. Her volunteering this information to her therapist would be proof that she is rational enough to recognize it as a serious issue in her life and those closest to her. This would show her therapist that she is far from being a candidate that needed an intervention and hospitalization.


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## sh0t (Sep 1, 2011)

any indication she might be faking her turn around to lower your guard?


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## maudite (Aug 29, 2011)

I can't see her faking it. She's been open and honest about it all and I push her to do so whenever she gets reluctant to tell me something to spare my feelings. I have always been able to tell when she's not being honest or lying to me. She hasn't shown any of the signs and she generally slips up and gives it away indirectly if she tries to hide it.

She initiated a talk about the fantasy last night which opened the door for me to inject doubt. I did it pretty well. 3 hour conversation about him and things. She is under his direction and is willing to do anything he wants her to. I tested the level of her commitment by asking if she would punch me in the face if he wanted her to. She said no and began crying. She was upset with herself because she wouldn't be willing to hurt me like that for him. That eased my fears of her hurting me or the children at some point. It also caused her to question his direction over her and caused her to look at her own morality and ability to make decisions for herself. I wore the fantasy down slowly by asking questions to have her create her own doubt instead of me saying it directly. On occasion I began to step over the line and her defenses started to come up so I had to back off to keep the dialogue going. One thing I noticed and used to my advantage was she kept saying "I think he wants". She thinks but isn't sure. When I questioned this she got defensive so I had to move away but I think my point was made. She still insists he is real and she wants to do whatever he tells her to. She wants his direction.

She said he had made her a better wife to me. I told her he had made her a failure as a wife and explained why. She began crying again and apologized and told me she didn't think it was possible for her to be pulled away from me. I was perfect. She said I am the best man she has ever known.

She still believes in him and that his direction is right and good but I think she has more doubt now. She also agreed to mention him as her "friend" to her therapist at their next meeting. It's a step in the right direction.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It's beginning to sound like the fantasy man may actually be you.


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## maudite (Aug 29, 2011)

morituri said:


> It's beginning to sound like the fantasy man may actually be you.


She did say that he's started talking to her through me. My advice and my direction she has been interpreting as him using me to talk to her.


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## maudite (Aug 29, 2011)

Weird weekend but I think we've come to some sort of understanding. I am going to stop encouraging her to seek help but I have to make a change in how I'm going about it.

We will live as friends/roomates. She wants to take care of me and wants the stability I provide. I like her taking care of me and providing stability for her and the family. She's getting her own room and we will raise our children together. The pushing for her to seek help was creating tension and making us worse. I need to stop that. I need to be in a place where she can be happy, I can be happy and we can make the kids happy together. After discussing this friends/roomates situation we both think it will do that by easing the tension between us and allowing the good times and the fun to come back. I'm looking forward to this for some strange reason and feel really good about it. Maybe just relaxing and having fun together as a family will do more to help her and cause her to seek help than all the pushing in the world. I just feel I've hit a wall with the pushing and it's negatively affecting progress at this point. Just need to step back, encourage in subtle and small doses at the right times and enjoy life with a woman who genuinely cares about me and my well being and genuinely loves and would do anything in the world for her children. She's still a great woman and even better in some ways with the exception of the fantasy man. Who by the way is showing signs of many people in her life. Herself, and me mainly. I'm less worried about her getting dangerous as I have seen who is being represented and I think reintroducing a role based calm to the relationship will be good for all of us, especially the kids.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You have negotiated with her. I hate to rain on you but that will backfire 

She is deeply in need of help and you've negotiated a position where you are once again doing nothing but waiting and hoping it get better
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> You have negotiated with her. I hate to rain on you but that will backfire
> 
> She is deeply in need of help and you've negotiated a position where you are once again doing nothing but waiting and hoping it get better
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

This is called enabling. She needs serious help. I realize you just want the path of least resistance to this really difficult situation, but in order to improve it long term, it will need to get worse first.


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## maudite (Aug 29, 2011)

I'm still going to encourage her to get help but I feel that my pushing has reached the point where it is counterproductive. She knows she's hurt me with this as it is the equivalent of an EA to some weird strange extreme. 

Another thing that is bothering me is my own urge to have an affair. Not to get back at her for anything but to seek out my own happiness, to do something that may make me feel good even if totally stupid and irrational. I had an old friend reach out to me the other day on facebook. She's going through a divorce. I told my wife about it. I have never kept things like that from her. She's encouraging me to meet with her if for nothing else than to talk about our situations with someone who can relate. Of course she also encouraged me to "f the s out of her". If I meet with her I'm almost certain it will result in sex. It feels good to be wanted by someone, it felt good that she reached out to me. I'm fighting against it with everything I have but I'm broken. I want to be fixed. My wife can't fix me right now and may never be able to. I realize I'm just justifying this horrible decision but I don't know if I care.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Having an affair is not the way. Sex is a very powerful bonding experience and there is the very strong possibility that one or both of you may fall madly in love. What then?


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## maudite (Aug 29, 2011)

morituri said:


> Having an affair is not the way. Sex is a very powerful bonding experience and there is the very strong possibility that one or both of you may fall madly in love. What then?


I know it's not the way. That's why I'm beating myself up for considering it. My wife isn't making it easier either. She got all excited when encouraging me to do it. 

Is god testing me and my goodness with all this. Let's see if he can deal with a delusional wife who has orgasms in front of him while imagining a nonexistant man while he struggles to keep his family together and maintain his job and sanity. Might as well have his wife encourage him to have an affair also. He can handle it. 

What's gonna come next?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

maudite said:


> I'm still going to encourage her to get help but I feel that my pushing has reached the point where it is counterproductive. She knows she's hurt me with this as it is the equivalent of an EA to some weird strange extreme.
> 
> Another thing that is bothering me is my own urge to have an affair. Not to get back at her for anything but to seek out my own happiness, to do something that may make me feel good even if totally stupid and irrational. I had an old friend reach out to me the other day on facebook. She's going through a divorce. I told my wife about it. I have never kept things like that from her. She's encouraging me to meet with her if for nothing else than to talk about our situations with someone who can relate. Of course she also encouraged me to "f the s out of her". If I meet with her I'm almost certain it will result in sex. It feels good to be wanted by someone, it felt good that she reached out to me. I'm fighting against it with everything I have but I'm broken. I want to be fixed. My wife can't fix me right now and may never be able to. I realize I'm just justifying this horrible decision but I don't know if I care.


As others have said (and I said on page 3), you're simply enabling her behaviour. You're teaching her that it's ok for her to dwell in her fantasy world, because you accept your life the way it is now.

Ask yourself this... If she was in an true affair (physical or emotional), would you tolerate her moving into her own room while you continue to support her? If not, why are you willing to tolerate this? In her mind, this is real (apparently). And as far as I'm concerned, she's more likely to work her way out of it if she gets slapped with reality. That is, a separation.

Good luck with this. Based on the second part of your post, I would guess it's only a matter of time before you cave into the affair. Might as well jump in feet first now, get it over with.

Have you given any consideration for what kind of marriage you're demonstrating to the kids? Separate lives/bedrooms. No contact or intimacy. 

C


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## maudite (Aug 29, 2011)

She has no ability to support herself and nowhere to go. I can't just kick her out in the street and make her homeless. I don't think that would knock her out of the delusion but would probably make her more dependent on it seeing as she would have nothing else. 

We have talked extensively about the kids and the separate bedrooms and no intimacy. We can't fix that right now and according to her never will. The best thing I can do right now is to make sure they still have two loving parents devoted to their needs to be here for them. They have that as long as me and her can maintain a level of civility which is dependent on me becoming very careful about addressing the delusion as a delusion. Me asking or telling her to get help validates for her that I do not believe and pushes me into the enemy camp. I'm in the friendly camp right now. I will keep pushing her to get help but I have to stay within the friendly side while doing it or else the anger and resentment will kick up and nothing I say will be heard at all. Right now she may not accept what I say but she listens and thinks about it and it comes out later in the directions he provides her. I have to do this right, I have to be gentle, I have to develop her trust in me in order to get anywhere toward her seeking help. I've been doing extensive research on dealing with delusional disorders and feel I am going about this the right way. Being direct and firm doesn't work on people suffering from it. It just drives them further away from help.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> She's suffering some major mental breakdown either because of the diet drugs or a natural problem in her brain.
> 
> Either way you need to stop trying to talk it out with her. She isn't acting rationally so you are not going to talk her into being rational
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

maudite said:


> I'm still debating whether to call her therapist or not. I found her new weight loss pills last night. She's been taking Hydroxycut Max. There was a class action suit against the manufacturer and I've found a number of discussions about people experiencing psychosis and delusions after taking it.
> 
> She called me at work this morning freaking out. She couldn't find her car keys and was sure her fantasy had broken into the house and taken them to prevent her from going anywhere today. I had put them in my pocket this morning when I picked them up off the floor and forgot.


Dont think about calling her therapist CALL HIM/HER now... your wife is delusional.


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