# Tired of talking



## Adam801 (Apr 21, 2013)

I'd say my wife and I are have problems but I think it's me that has the problem with her. Married 12 years 3 kids 2,5, & 8. She's on anti depressants because of depression the last several years. 

The situation over the past three years:

She thinks things are ok or that things are the way they are. Or she'll says "I'm fine with that". I'm not. I feel like I get no attention, affection, or gratitude from here. Every couple of weeks we'll talk about thid She's a pessimist and often complained about issues without wanting to work on them. 

I'll talk with her about problems and she'll "ok we'll work on that" bit never does. Or she's say something to the effect of "that's hard and I don't like to do things that are hard".

It hurts more when she is aware of problems and does nothing. Emotionally I want to just check out. I'd rather not bring up problems if she won't do anything.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

It's been my experience that people who say all their problems rest with their spouse are a much larger part of the problem than they ever imagine.


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## Adam801 (Apr 21, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> It's been my experience that people who say all their problems rest with their spouse are a much larger part of the problem than they ever imagine.


Whoa there cowboy. I did not say, nor meant to imply all my problems rest with her. Just this one. I know I'm the cause of some problems and I've been working hard on them.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Adam801 said:


> Whoa there cowboy. I did not say, nor meant to imply all my problems rest with her. Just this one. I know I'm the cause of some problems and I've been working hard on them.


Good to know, cowpoke. 

Then I further suggest better communication and honesty. Sometimes getting all the cards on the table hurts at first but pays dividends later.

I mean, something is amiss between the two of you. Your job is to find it and make it work better.

Or maybe counseling.


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## Adam801 (Apr 21, 2013)

I'm really considering consoling. I'm going to start looking for one on Monday. We've done a lot of talking. The lack of action is what I'm tired of.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Counseling won't help with her lack of action.

If you've already laid the cards on the table multiple times than at some point she's going to have to act. If not than....?


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## Adam801 (Apr 21, 2013)

We had another talk last night. I think I'm learning a bit about about what is going on in our relationship as I reflect more on our situation. 

In a nut shell I said; "You're always angry or fight with me, you're never happy, you complain all the time. I want to be around the happy you but the last few years I haven't wanted to be around you. "

She responded by complaining a getting angry with me. Then blamed the kids for her short temper. I responded with; when I'm taking care of the kids and you're gone I face the same issues, but we get more done, I don't have to raise my voice with them and we get things done faster. 

I told her it's not what she does but how she does it. I felt bad. I really didn't want to dump on her. She brought up a few small things I do that annoy her which was nice. I had no idea it bothered her.

I have to say the first five years before kids were great. The next 5 she slowly changed and became who she is now. The last two have been depressing and I think I emotionally checked out. 

I've been reading "His Needs, Her Needs" and it's been a real eye opener. Top five needs for a man:

1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Recreational companionship
3. An attractive spouse
4. Domestic Support
5. Admiration

Of those I'd say I get a bare minimum of domestic support, and close to nothing in the other 4. 

In the end she kind of threw up her arms and said; "This is who I am, pessimistic, depressed and moody." "ok now what" and "I think you're expecting too much from me". 

I can tell she feels overwhelmed. She asks for help, solutions to problems. The past I don't know how long I've help out a lot. She never fallows through with any of it.

Other than her coming away from out talk feeling like crap I don't think we got anywhere. I don't think she'll take any action on anything.

I don't want to leave her. I want our marriage to happy, productive, like it use to be.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> It's been my experience that people who say all their problems rest with their spouse are a much larger part of the problem than they ever imagine.


I see this type of response a lot. I find it kind of disturbing. I hesitate to say that maybe you should be a little more constructive in your approach.

My experience is vastly different than yours, although two opposing POV's can certainly be both correct, although both can't be universally correct, can they?

Have you noticed that many, if not most of the H's here with problems have wives who are clinically depressed (diagnosed) or taking anti-depressants (diagnosed or not)? Do you think that maybe we're witnessing a problem far more than just men who are doing things wrong?

Personally I find this to be too coincidental - There's way too many wives on depression drugs, and not small number of men either- and we are seeing a large quantity of these issues surrounding the problems these drugs are supposed to be treating. which tells me the drugs aren't working, or that the opposite is true: that the condition doesn't exist and the drugs are creating the problems.

It's worth addressing IMO. Makes more sense than it always being a mans fault when his woman acts bat$hit crazy all the time, no?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Wow that's kind of a shame that she views it as too hard to fix. Like she doesn't even care enough to exert herself over it.

Definitely marriage counseling is on the right track. One of the first things they will tell you in counseling is to not use words like never and always. You used both in your discussion with your wife which really puts her at the defensive. I know it sounds corny but true - you should start out with how YOU FEEL.

"When you avoid me I feel you don't love me any more"
"When you are angry it makes me think it is directed at me so I withdraw instead of asking you why - if I asked you why, would you be able to tell me how I can help?"

Have you shown her the book? Did she read it? What about her needs - are you addressing all of hers? 

I would be wary of approaching her from a critical aspect - instead from a hopeful, loving place. "Honey, I want both of us to be so happy in our relationship. I just read that some of your top needs are 123. Is that true? Do you feel I address those? How/how not?"

Tell her about your needs. Pick ONE to work on for the next month. Remind her of things you used to do that made both of you happy by doing them. Holding her hand. Being affectionate without expectation of sex. Encouraging the kids to be helpful and loving. Send her texts just thinking about her.

Once you've tried numerous times to engage her with books, counseling, etc. and you still get nothing back, at least you can give the ultimatum of separation/divorce and mean it and know that you gave it your all.

I can't imagine someone not wanting to try. But then again I asked my ex for 3 years to go to MC and he refused, saying there was nothing 'wrong' with him except a bad temper. You can't MAKE someone care. And sometimes when they finally do, it's too late. 

Good luck.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Do you and your wife ever spend one on one time together? Shop together, go out to dinner once in a while, do yard work together, projects around the house? When couples play together, it makes the relationship more productive and gives you both time to be constructive with each other in a healthy way. Also teaches you how to communicate better and learn things about each other.

If your wife is willing, ask her to go out with you more, and don't expect so much from each other. Tell her you want to go for a walk. Take her to see a movie. Get her active and out of the house even if it does have to be with the kids. Paint your fence together. Do whatever is going to get you both to learn how to work together.

Sometimes taking care of children 24/7 can be draining and can lead to depression. So get her wheels turning. You don't have to go all out or anything, just do little things together here and there. It might make a world of a difference for your marriage.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

thatbpguy said:


> It's been my experience that people who say all their problems rest with their spouse are a much larger part of the problem than they ever imagine.


I agree that people who blame their problems on a spouse should take a good hard look in the mirror. 

Is there a difference between saying, "My problems are my spouse's fault" versus saying, "My spouses problems are objectionable to me." 

It looks like the OP might actually have been saying the latter:



Adam801 said:


> I'd say my wife and I are have problems but I think it's me that has the problem with her.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

ocotillo said:


> I agree that people who blame their problems on a spouse should take a good hard look in the mirror.
> 
> Is there a difference between saying, "My problems are my spouse's fault" versus saying, "My spouses problems are objectionable to me."


I disagree.
As anyone divorced why things didn't work. You will hear a whole host of things such as:
-We just grew apart
- X cheated
- I screwed everything up
- money problems.. we couldn't get past his/her employment or credit issues, or other money problems
- he/she was bat$hit crazy

It's only one of many possible reasons yet, when guys come here saying that their spouse is doing x, y, or just acting nutty, you immediately assume it's his fault.

It's like I've stepped into some kind of bizarre twilight zone where guys with relationship issues are racing to the defense of women in other marriage issues. Some bizarre chivalry here, that's for sure.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

I wouldn't be shocked if she needs to see herself something other than a mother and a wife. How to get that done varies. Work, hobbies, physical training. Whatever it is when support her to the fullest when SHE figures it out.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Just talking isn't going to work. It's time for the two of you to carve out some time to have a serious discussion and put an action plan in to place.

It's likely that just as you feel your needs aren't being met, she may feel the same way.

Plan out what each of you will commit to doing each day/week for each other.

It sounds simple or silly but little things make a big difference in the end. For me, I need my husband to physically touch me every single day, multiple times a day. Hug me, touch my shoulder, hold my hand, etc. Without that, I feel disconnected and unloved. For him, he needs me to spend time each day focused solely on him - listening not being distracted.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

did you try here?:

Physical & Mental Health Issues

Any time I see someone on anti-depressents for years, I sort of feel like you may want to discuss it more with people that have real experience in that area.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Kaboom said:


> I disagree.....


How does one disagree with a question? :scratchhead:



Kaboom said:


> It's only one of many possible reasons yet, when guys come here saying that their spouse is doing x, y, or just acting nutty, you immediately assume it's his fault.


Not at all. Wouldn't that fall under the category of, "My spouses problems are objectionable"?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I say start small instead of trying to tackle a major problem. A good one we got from our MC. My wife is one of those pessimist. Always seeing the worst in stuff. Always looking for what is wrong. And I like to believe our MC saw what I did: “If you just look for the worst, not shockingly, that is all you will ever find”...

Anyway, whenever one of us did something the other liked, we had to make mention of it no matter how trival. “I appreciate that you ____” or “I liked it when you ____”. Just the comment, no reward or anything like that.

I can only speak for myself and my perception, but a couple things started happening. I started recognizing that my wife did notice all those little things. I started noticing she also did a lot of small stuff. We both started giving more when you got those little pats on the back. And I really noticed her spending energy looking for the better things instead of those little things wrong. So it seemed to me that she acted happier and more energetic. It was a start.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I have a different take: I'd back off and just focus on having a full, fun life for yourself. Dr Glover (No more mr nice guy) has a good metaphor for this: Make your life your cake and your woman the icing. 

Do you have friends, hobbies, do you enjoy your time with your kids, etc? If not, man get on it. Take up golf, or ball, or model train building. Find things that make you feel good, and stop putting as much effort into getting your wife to meet your needs. 

Worst case you'll be happier. Best case, she'll take notice and start to do the same, which in turn will make her a happier person and more emotionally able to give to you.

Hope that helps.


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