# Found his dating site profile!



## ItWillHappen (Dec 2, 2013)

I posted a couple of months ago, but here is my story in a nutshell. My husband of 8 years suffers from bouts of severe depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. I got the ILYBNILWY in November, and he moved out to his parents house a couple of weeks later blaming it all on me. Later I found out that he was having a long distance EA. I did the 180 and he did not handle it very well (bad anger and wanting to commit himself to the psych ward). I consulted 2 lawyers and was going to file for divorce as soon as I gathered the money. My main issue was custody of our child. From now on he refuses to take his meds, and without my supervision I fear for her safety with him. Unfortunately I don't have any proof of all the horrible things that go on in his mind during his episodes (images of stabbing our child for example). I used to have him stay at his parents until his meds kick in, but now that I will have no influence on him, he won't seek or continue treatment...
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, he says that he wants to reconcile, and we both read His Needs Her Needs. He also confesses that his dad, also a cheater, convinced him to sign up on the same dating website he was using, and that it was stupid. I know longer see traces of the EA he claims is over, but who knows...
Fast forward to today. I decided to see if he was still on this site, and I easily found his profile, which said that he was divorced (not!) and had recently logged in. I was really disappointed. I created a fake profile and sent him a message saying I was new and that I liked his pix. He replied "hi I'm new too", but the rest of what seems like a long message is hidden as I would have to pay $30 to subscribe and view it. Where do I go from here?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you talked to your lawyer about what bearing his mental issues could play in custody? And whether medical records could be subpoenaed? How did you find out about his mental images?

His infidelity (or attempted infidelity) will have no bearing on custody or support, in most jurisdictions. But again, talk to your lawyer. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Are you still trying to reconcile? He isnt and has no intentions. Your course for starting divorce action should be your biggest concern now I would think. You should also go back to the 180 and worry about your children, legally you dont have much ground to stand on. With a legal seperation he will or wont get custody/visitation rights but some legal structure would be put in place for his access to the kids where as now there isnt. 

His EA probably ended, you became back-up plan and he is now searching for a new "replacement" but he doesnt sound like he has any intention of truly trying to reconcile.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

One thing you might want to do is document any strange behavior or anything your daughter reports to you that seems strange after she visits him. This might give you some justification for limiting visitation. But the dating site thing tells me he's not interested in reconciliation.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Just pay the $30.00 and get the information on him, preferably in printed form. He absolutely cannot refute nor keep any of it out of evidence when it does get to court!

Despite his depression, you seriously don't need deceptive trash like that in your life!*


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *Just pay the $30.00 and get the information on him, preferably in printed form. He absolutely cannot refute nor keep any of it out of evidence when it does get to court!
> 
> Despite his depression, you seriously don't need deceptive trash like that in your life!*


This!
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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Depending on what state you are in, if it's a no-fault state, it doesn't matter that he is cheating. I live in a no-fault state and my STBXH had (is currently having one) an affair and that affair has no bearing on custody of our baby. The court looks at that completely separately. You need proof of his mental stability to keep your child away from him.


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## ItWillHappen (Dec 2, 2013)

He's the one who told me about the mental image of hurting our child. Unfortunately I have no proof, and I'm fairly certain he was not truthful with his doctor so medical records won't be that helpful. He contacted me one day expressing that he wanted to slice his wrists and was burning himself with cigarettes at work but did not want to get help at that time. I panicked and called his doctor, who in turn called him and my husband denied everything. I have no proof, and the lawyers said no judge will take that into consideration.

He came over tonight to visit, and I casually mention that when/if he comes back, trust might be an issue at first since he had told me he had signed up for a dating site (I played stupid). In the same conversation he told me that he forgot to delete his profile and then that he deleted it already. Lying comes so easy to some people... Unfortunately infidelity has no bearings in my state.
Then he hinted he wanted to be intimate (no way!) and that he wanted to move back in as soon as possible (which he told our child, so wrong!!!). I told him we were far from ready.

There is no legal separation in my state. Right now he is still paying the mortgage, but I only work part-time so I am struggling financially to pay the other bills. Paying $30 for the dating site is really not in my budget, but is it really worth it to see how far he will go? Does that even matter at this point?

I agree that I deserve better, but I need to be smart about things. I need to find a full-time job, as I cannot qualify for an apartment at my current wage. Should I wait until I secure a better job and retainer fees (although I can borrow for the fees) before I file for divorce? What if that takes months and months? Do I need to keep up this charade until then? All I will get from him is minimal child support (no savings/IRA/Pension/401k).

I'm so scared that once we divorce and he has his visitation with our child that he might get into bad mental episodes and be a danger to himself and our dd, and since his family and friends are against medical treatment as they don't see mental illness as a real disease, they won't push him to get help. I've seen him at his lowest/scariest, but I'm scared of how low it could go without treatment.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Getting "proof" of his infidelity isn't going to make a bit of difference. If you're going to do anything, invest the money into a VAR, and get him going on a conversation about his mental state (and get it recorded). Then you might have something useful.

C


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

I agree with PBear. Don't wast money on proof of infidelity if it doesn't matter legally... you already know he is a cheater.

Also, it really sounds like his 'mental issues' are more to manipulate you than actual depression. I'm not saying he's not depressed, but his threats of suicide are manipulation and attention seeking - pure and simple. 

If it were me, the next time he threatened to cut his wrists I'd hand him a razor blade and tell him "go ahead".

You really need to record some of this behavior.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would respectfully disagree with Honorbound on the suicide thing... If he threatens suicide, call 911. Going back to the psych ward will help your custody case, teach him not to make idle threats (if it was idle), and get him some help.

C


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

PBear said:


> Getting "proof" of his infidelity isn't going to make a bit of difference. If you're going to do anything, invest the money into a VAR, and get him going on a conversation about his mental state (and get it recorded). Then you might have something useful.
> 
> C


I agree with PBear. Get a recorder and get him on tape. That would be a much better use of your money than proving the cheating.

Good Luck


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## ItWillHappen (Dec 2, 2013)

Well curiosity got the best of me. I paid for the site and he was eager to chat with my fake self. He's even trying to arrange a meeting today, all this while sending me kisses via text. Scumbag.

I'm glad I did it. That is the proof I needed to stop hanging on to that tiny glimmer of hope. I'm actually taking it not too bad.

I'm scheduling another consult with a 3rd attorney to see the best way to proceed and get proof of his instability and how much it will impact custody. In the meantime I suppose I can't confront him yet so I'm gonna have to be the best actress in the world right now. That's gonna be tough! 
Any other advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

When you're ready to confront, you could always arrange a date with him on your fake account... Either get a friend he doesn't know to show up and you crash the party, or just meet him yourself with papers in hand...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Arrange the date with him at the attorney office. This way you can hand him papers, embarras him and he wont pull anything while in front of a lawyer.

You should just file right away, this way he is forced thru a temporary order to keep paying certain bills, child support etc. It would also firmly establish visitation for the children. Right now legally he can come into the home whenever he wants, do whatever he wants. Waiting till you find full time work things like that isnt really in your best interests. Their never is a good time to file and you have many concerns now about his mental state etc. He could get much worse for all you know. Once in the "legal system" you have more rights with what can or cant happen. 

It may also just be the wake up call he needs to find some help.


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## ItWillHappen (Dec 2, 2013)

I don't think I'm gonna tell him that I know. I'm simply going to tell him that his EA from a few months ago created too many trust issues that I cannot get over, and that it's better for both of us to go our separate way. Before we "reconciled", he said he wanted us to do the paperwork on our own to save some money (he's broke). I'm going to butter him up in order to get as much of my divorce demands as possible, as opposed to antagonizing him, putting him on the defensive which will make him fight everything. I will have my lawyer draft the paperwork, but ultimately my goal is to avoid putting him on the defensive at this time. I have to be smart and careful about all this...
What do you all think?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Seems kind of weak and passive to me. But you're the one that has to live with your decision, and since you don't plan on having much to do with him in the future, if doesn't matter much. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

honcho said:


> Arrange the date with him at the attorney office. This way you can hand him papers, embarras him and he wont pull anything while in front of a lawyer.
> 
> You should just file right away, this way he is forced thru a temporary order to keep paying certain bills, child support etc. It would also firmly establish visitation for the children. Right now legally he can come into the home whenever he wants, do whatever he wants. Waiting till you find full time work things like that isnt really in your best interests. Their never is a good time to file and you have many concerns now about his mental state etc. He could get much worse for all you know. Once in the "legal system" you have more rights with what can or cant happen.
> 
> It may also just be the wake up call he needs to find some help.


Yep. Do this!


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