# How do you know if you should divorce??



## Susan5 (Jun 3, 2012)

Hi, I am a new subscriber so apologies if I write this in the wrong place. 
I am clueless as to what decision to make about my marriage. I have been thinking for about a year as to whether or not to proceed with divorce.
I have been with my husband for 6 years and 3 of them married we have just had a baby who is now 11 weeks old, which is why i haven’t done anything yet as my emotions are still all over the place. I feel, I am never listened to, my husband although deep down is a lovely man, can be extremely patronising and disrespectful, it is difficult to put my finger on it but when either my parents or friends pop over they always remark on how i am being spoken to or treated. For example, If he wants a drink he will say to me "a drink would be lovely" if i am in the middle of something. or if he wants me to hold something he will dangle it in front of my face if I am talking to someone else and therefore not paying him attention. He tells me how much money I can spend on food or clothes (I work also) My parents will often comment "are you going to let him speak to you like that" but to be honest, i feel that most of it goes over my head, I just cant put my finger on it, but I am not happy, I dont want to be around him and we havent had sex in a number of weeks, not for a lack of him trying, but we end up arguing and falling to sleep angry with each other. my days are made up of him telling me what needs doing in the house and then he will wait for me to do it, whilst I am struggling to get to grips with being a first time mum. He does go out a lot with his friends, I dont mid this but I cant help but feel very alone.
Can someone please tell me If I am being whiney and this is what marriage is like or is there something more to it????
Please help.
:scratchhead:


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

1.)If God or some divine being told you it was OK to leave your relationship, would you feel relieved that you could finally leave? If your religion is the only reason you’re still together, your relationship is already long dead. Drop the self-torturing beliefs and choose happiness. Living together physically but not in your heart isn’t going to fool any divine being anyway, nor is it likely to fool anyone else around you. Leave the hypocrisy behind, and take off.
2) Are you able to get your needs met in the relationship without too much difficulty? If it takes too much effort to get your needs met, then your relationship is doing you more harm than good. Leave.
3) Do you genuinely like your partner, and does your partner seem to genuinely like you? If you don’t mutually like each other, you don’t belong together.
4) Do you feel a unique sexual attraction to your partner? If there’s no spark, there’s no point in staying.
5) Does your partner exhibit any behavior that makes the relationship too difficult for you to stay in, and do you find your partner is either unwilling or incapable of changing? Results matter far more than intentions. If your partner behaves in a way that’s intolerable to you, then permanent change is a must, or you need to leave. Example: “Quit smoking for good in 30 days, or I’m gone.” Trying to tolerate the intolerable will only erode your self-esteem, and you’ll see yourself as stronger in the past than in the present.
6) Do you see yourself when you look in your partner’s eyes? A metaphor… if you don’t sense a strong compatibility with your partner, you’re better off with someone else.
7) Do you and your partner each respect each other as individuals? No mutual respect = time to leave.
8) Does your partner serve as an important resource for you in a way that you care about? If your partner does little to enhance your life and you wouldn’t lose anything important to you by leaving, then leave. You’ll break even by being on your own and gain tremendously by finding someone else who is a resource to you.
9) Does your relationship have the demonstrated capacity for forgiveness? If you can’t forgive each other’s transgressions, then resentment will gradually replace love. Leave.
10) Do you and your partner have fun together? A relationship that’s no fun is dead. Leave.
11) Do you and your partner have mutual goals and dreams for your future together? If you aren’t planning to spend your future together, something’s terribly wrong. Take off.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Susan5 said:


> If he wants a drink he will say to me "a drink would be lovely" if i am in the middle of something.
> 
> if he wants me to hold something he will dangle it in front of my face if I am talking to someone else and therefore not paying him attention.
> 
> ...


Here are the things that I picked out of your post that describe ways your husband treats you. I will put my finger on it for you, just so you can get a bit more clarity on your situation.

You are a doormat. Your husband treats you with contempt and complete disrespect. He behaves like a demanding child who vies for your attention when you aren't focused totally on his needs.

He goes out with his buddies, leaving you at home. I imagine that doesn't hurt so much, because at least you have some peace and quiet and he isn't in your space.

You earn money. You are capable of taking care of yourself and your baby.

Time to cease being a doormat.

Tell hubs to cut the crap. Well, don't use my words, because that will probably lead to a world war. However, respectfully and calmly tell him not treat you as he is the next time he pulls this trick.

Or, better yet, sit him down and have a serious talk. If he will not listen to what you have to say, then you have gotten an answer. Your opinion is not respected.

Take your paycheck, open your own checking or savings account, and spend the money you earn as you wish to. This man is a control freak who is abusing you with such treatment.

Time for you to take control of what you can control - your actions, thoughts, and what you say. Set boundaries and enforce them.

And have a back-up plan, such as staying with parents or friends, because I have the feeling your husband isn't going to like it one bit once you assert yourself. However, self-assertion is the way to get out of doormat-status and take back the power and control that belongs to YOU.


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## Susan5 (Jun 3, 2012)

Prodigal, thanks so much, I had never even thought that may be the case as I am a very outgoing and confident person, however I realise, not with my husband, I think that It is just so much effort to tell him that I dont like the way he treats me as he makes excuses and says that I worry him if i soend money or I am lazy if i dont do the housework and the more he talks, the more I either think that he has a point or just give in and agree with him. He is very tiring when he gets going. I will have a long discussion with him about the way he treats me, I think that he will again make excuses and things will go back to normal. if this is the case I am not sure what to do, id hate to divorce as we used to get alond so well, but I am only 25 and have my whole life ahead of me. I dont want to be miserable for the rest of it. But i know he loves me, which makes it worse!!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Susan5, you say you know he loves you, but does he treat you in a loving manner? How?


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## Susan5 (Jun 3, 2012)

Well, I cant say that he doesnt, he says he loves me ALL THE TIME, and in some ways he is loving. I ust cant put my finger on it. I am making no sense, but when he makes concious effort he is lovely, but when he is just himself he is rude and controlling. which is why I dont know what to do.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

A husband should not have to "make an effort" to treat his wife with kindness and respect.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> A husband should not have to "make an effort" to treat his wife with kindness and respect.


Mine is actually having to go to IC to actually understand what he did and said was wrong,, he's having to "learn" how to treat me respectfully... 

Shouldn't have to be that much effort I wouldn't think...


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

something that has given me clarity is taking a break. i have been staying in a hotel for a few days and i HATE it. i think i was way better off in my home with my hubs. 

i had an over the phone counselling session and it wasnt very helpful to me. some people swear by it.. but i've been a few times and it has never helped. if you're considering a divorce i'd suggest taking a break first. see how life is really like without him. maybe your experience will be better than mine. 

good luck


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

something that has given me clarity is taking a break. i have been staying in a hotel for a few days and i HATE it. i think i was way better off in my home with my hubs. 

i had an over the phone counselling session and it wasnt very helpful to me. some people swear by it.. but i've been a few times and it has never helped. if you're considering a divorce i'd suggest taking a break first. see how life is really like without him. maybe your experience will be better than mine. 

good luck


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Think about the QUALITY of your life and your marriage. 

When your marriage is the biggest negative, that's a sign. Talk to him... and if it doesn't go anywhere then decide what to do. You have two choices:

1. Stay with this man who only loves and respects you sometimes.

2. Leave. Take control of your life. MAYBE he will wake up to how his treatment of you just won't work. Maybe he won't tho. But then you will be ready to make that decision from a stronger place anyway. 

Find your support. Make a Plan B. Start preparing yourself for either situation.... both are going to take some work.


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## His_Pixie (Jan 29, 2012)

Amazon.com: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship (9780452275355): Mira Kirshenbaum: Books


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You've been with him for 6 years, and one year ago you decided to have a child.... You should have run through all of these thoughts within the first 5 years... Now that you have a child you owe it your child to stand up for your needs, using words, and asking your husband to make choices regarding whether he is willing to be the type of man you require... He has not gotten the hint as of yet... Try the direct method.

Husband "a drink would be lovely"; Wife: "I agree", or "Then go have one" or "When you get yours can you get one for me" or "Was there a question in there?"

Husband dangles something in your face say "Get that out of my face".


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