# what emotions does the DS go through after they move out?



## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

My wife moved out about 2 weeks ago, after much prompting from me that she couldn't live in the same house as me AND continue to see the OM. I'd also filed for divorce as l was going crazy watching her flip flop all over the place.

Anyway, I'm still coming to terms that she chose him over me and feeling the grief. I haven't been in contact other than some texts to arrange pick up times for our daughter.

The couple times she has been round she doesn't seem the slightest bit bothered and tries to make small talk. Even asked me if I liked her new hairstyle!

Is she also in shock? Is she actually relieved that she has made a decision? I've had nothing from her to say she is sorry, misses me etc. Just seems really cold as she at least seem torn before.

Any insight out there?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> My wife moved out about 2 weeks ago, after much prompting from me that she couldn't live in the same house as me AND continue to see the OM. I'd also filed for divorce as l was going crazy watching her flip flop all over the place.
> 
> Anyway, I'm still coming to terms that she chose him over me and feeling the grief. I haven't been in contact other than some texts to arrange pick up times for our daughter.
> 
> ...


Yeah I have been looking for the same answers too. Exact same behaviour from my now EX H.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Well you and her have two differing opinions and perspectives. From her point of view the relationship may have been over for a long time. In fact, she may be relieved that it is over. The truth is that she has probably been withdrawn from the idea of marriage for a very long time. This just isnt a crisis to her.

You on the other hand were given no choice. You were handed a ruling by her and forced to deal with it.

It is not fair, but it happens a lot.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Well in a marriage that works, both people more or less feel the same things with the same intensity. The fact that one spouse steps out in no way is meant to validate to YOU how intensely you feel or how disappointed you are. I am constantly baffled by the huge disconnect between one spouse who leaves and the other who desperately is still in love or something with them. "I miss them soooo much". Why? They dumped you. Not someone else. YOU, you personally and everything that you are.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

She asked you if you liked her hair?

I'd think it's obvious that she doesn't care about the relationship anymore, she may still care about you in some form to ask your opinion on her hair but I don't think she's thinks of the two of you like that any longer, I may be wrong. 

I understand that this is your wife and it may be hard to but you need to let go, this is just causing you more undeserved duress. She's made her decision and, unfortunately, you have to live with it but you have bigger fish to fry. Making sure your child is okay for one. The other is it's time for you to start over.

Starting over doesn't mean start again, starting again is just redoing the same thing. You're going to have to walk away from whatever that was and truly start a new relationship. Now, there may be a case where she realizes that she made a mistake and comes back and you can start a new marriage with her or you just may have to move on. The only way to do that is to face your fear and accept the certainty that your wife is lost. If you haven't alreay, hit bottom as soon as you can so that you can start to claw your way back up. 

Stop looking at it as you will no longer have your wife, the truth of the matter is that you will no longer be betrayed on a daily basis. You can now work on raising your child and making yourself better. 

Sidenote:

There's little hope for their relationship, in my opinion, it's based on indecency and deception. Old people where I'm from have a saying, how you meet them is how you'll lose them. For example, if you meet a woman clubbing, you'll lose her due to her clubbing. If you meet woman due to your money, you'll lose her to a man with more money. She met him cheating and he knew that she was married, it's going to play out one of two ways.

1.) Infidelity, point blank. Both of proven to have no moral compass and that's something that you develop over a long and/or difficult process if they can even develop it at this point in their lives. 

2.) Trust. If neither of them are indeed cheating on the other, the relationship, whether they realize it or not, has already been tainted. They already know that they each have the capacity for this so, for example, if one of them start's working a bit late or takes a little too long to get home you can guess where the other's thinking is going to lead to. Depending on the scenario, she's going to either feel trapped or betrayed, even if nothing's truly going on. Don't be suprised if you wake up to a phone call in the middle of the night hearing her on the other line saying "Indy Nial, can we talk?" Hell, if you're still there for her, there you go. For the sake of your own sanity, don't get you hopes up.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> My wife moved out about 2 weeks ago, after much prompting from me that she couldn't live in the same house as me AND continue to see the OM. I'd also filed for divorce as l was going crazy watching her flip flop all over the place.
> 
> Anyway, I'm still coming to terms that she chose him over me and feeling the grief. I haven't been in contact other than some texts to arrange pick up times for our daughter.
> 
> ...


If she’s “lost” someone she’s deeply loved (you) and she really believes it’s irreversibly over then she’ll be grieving. To understand the emotions associated with grieving Google the grieving process. They are obvious and unmistakeable.

If she wasn’t deeply in love with you or doesn’t believe she’s lost you forever, then she wont be grieving. She’ll more than likely feel a sense of relief and that will show in a “relaxed” “weight off my shoulders what’s next way”.

Bob


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

> If she wasn’t deeply in love with you or doesn’t believe she’s lost you forever, then she wont be grieving


See, this it what worries me. Even though I told her a million times to move out she would say "you dont want me to move out, you love me". Eventually she got the message but even when I filed for divorce she kept saying things "like it isnt over till its over".

whenever I would ask "are you sure this is what you want" she would say "I dont know what I want".

I have been going through those grief stages and just entering the Acceptance phase. I'm worried that I'll get over or getting over her and she'll suddenly swoop back into my life.

If I knew for sure was really over me and not in some confused fog then I'd be jumping for joy. But I do love her (who knows why) and trying to judge wether to hang on or give up.

I should add that not once have I been able to have a rational conversation, anytime I venture into anything connected with the affair she goes mental at me and accuses me of anything she can think of. She isnt interested in any explanations from me, doesnt want to be confused with facts.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> See, this it what worries me. Even though I told her a million times to move out she would say "you dont want me to move out, you love me". Eventually she got the message but even when I filed for divorce she kept saying things "like it isnt over till its over".
> 
> whenever I would ask "are you sure this is what you want" she would say "I dont know what I want".
> 
> ...


It sounds like she knows how to play you, not surprising.

Don't ask her what she wants, to Hell with what she wants. For all intents and purposes, she has what she wants. 

If you were truly over it, her coming back wouldn't be an issue.

You know why you love her, just remember that it may not be returned in the way you may want anymore. 

She hasn't hit bottom, she's not ready to face what she's done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> See, this it what worries me. Even though I told her a million times to move out she would say "you dont want me to move out, you love me". Eventually she got the message but even when I filed for divorce she kept saying things "like it isnt over till its over".
> 
> whenever I would ask "are you sure this is what you want" she would say "I dont know what I want".
> 
> ...


You’ve done well getting to the acceptance phase. But it’s my experience you don’t get that far unless you’ve really made your mind up that it’s categorically over. But you sound dubious and hopeful?

Women take a lot of care over their hair. I saw the “Do you like my hair” either as flirting with you or teasing you to wind you up.

Surely she can’t swoop back into your life unless you let her?

Bob


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

> Even asked me if I liked her new hairstyle!


*
I would tell her that it makes her face look a little chubbier.*


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

> I would tell her that it makes her face look a little chubbier.


LOL, I'll remeber that next time she asks.

Maybe swoop wasnt the right word, I've accepted that the women I knew as my wife is gone and that my marriage in the old sense is also over. I'm also perfectly content going ahead with the divorce.

Having said all of that, I know that if she showed true signs of remorse and truly did want to make a go of it then I would be open to the idea. I guess I just place a lot of value on family and no matter who I meet, even if they are amazing in everyway, they will never be the mother of my child. I used to love cuddling up in bed and our daughter jumpign in-between us on a saturday morning or going to the zoo and having that excitement of a family interacting with each other. Just starting the morning with her muching cornflakes with the cartoons on TV or comming home to a greeting of "Daddys back".

I mounring the loss of all that, the idea of family rather than "my wife". In some respects its more of a role than a person. I know that sounds wierd but thats all I've ever wanted.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> I mounring the loss of all that, the idea of family rather than "my wife". I know that sounds wierd but thats all I've ever wanted.


No, it doesn't sound weird at all.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> No, it doesn't sound weird at all.


No it's not weird at all. We mourn what we thought the future was going to be.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> I mounring the loss of all that, the idea of family rather than "my wife". In some respects its more of a role than a person. I know that sounds wierd but thats all I've ever wanted.


Doesn't sound weird, what you had sounded like heaven.

You still have your daughter and **** happens, she just may come back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Arrggghhhh! So toward the end of last week I was starting to accept thibngs after being pretty depressed and wishful thinking of her turning up.

Wednesday I had a momnet of clarity where I could look back and see the downward spiral of events leading up to her moving out. I sent her a 'goodbye' text basically saying it all made sense now and that I hoped she found true happiness.

The next morning txts back saying she loves me and hopes I'm happy she isnt. I reply saying she made me happy, we both made each other happy but now its gone. She then replead what if it came back? To which I said You dont want it, you found something else to make you happy.

She never responded and I just left it at that, spent Saturday with my daughter which was great and feeling more comfortbale with the way things were turning out.

Then sat evening she texts me saying that she still loves me, misses me and is coming home. At this point I'm like WTF? I'm filled with a bunch of emotions, joy that she wants to come back, anger that she just thinks she can come back, regret that I wont be single and independant. So I send one right back saying "No. You dont walk out on me and then just come back!" She then replied "Good. I dont want to".

So now I'm really confused, I cleared out the rest of her stuff and dropped it off at hers along with my daughter. She is now back to being miss Ice, no emotions.

I feel like I've just got back to square 1. Why is she doing this? I cant but help feel this isnt the end of it. Its only been 2 weeks since she moved out. I would consider taking her back but only if she truly showed remorse and would do anything to rebuild. I havent told her this so now thinking do I tell her? Do I just put it down to temporary emotions and move on like it didnt happen?


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> Arrggghhhh! So toward the end of last week I was starting to accept thibngs after being pretty depressed and wishful thinking of her turning up.
> 
> Wednesday I had a momnet of clarity where I could look back and see the downward spiral of events leading up to her moving out. I sent her a 'goodbye' text basically saying it all made sense now and that I hoped she found true happiness.
> 
> ...


She replied that way because you stopped her cold and put your foot down. At some point, you can tell her what you're thinking and what you want to start over but, for now, I wouldn't even reply to anything that has to do with your marriage until she starts showing real resolve to start over with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

OK. We talked yesterday, she finished the OM withing the 2nd week, says she realised it was just an infatuation and was never going to work. Says she feels more at peace and can focus on her.

Asked if she could move back in and live as freinds. Told her that I didnt want to be a 'freind' and she suggested we go on dates. said I wasnt sure and she said well you know where I am.

Although she seems to have enough awareness to end the affair (we'll see if it lasts) she hasnt yet said "I was wrong, its you I love please dont divorce me." She says that it was something she had to experience for herself. Keeps blaming me for neglecting her and thats what caused it. Almost like she was a victim. She said she is sorry but the sincerity was sorely lacking. She phoned me in the evening and suggested we have a family dinner together. Says she wants us to get to know each other again.

My options are :
1) continue with the divorce, dont need this crap
2) put the divorce on hold, stick to NC and hope the fog lifts and she wants to truly reconcile
3) Be her freind and go on dates
4) Welcome her home but with conditions. MC, date nights, etc. and hope the fog clears


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I would do 4 but be very specific on your conditions and no exceptions for anything and make sure she understands that clearly


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> Arrggghhhh! So toward the end of last week I was starting to accept thibngs after being pretty depressed and wishful thinking of her turning up.
> 
> Wednesday I had a momnet of clarity where I could look back and see the downward spiral of events leading up to her moving out. I sent her a 'goodbye' text basically saying it all made sense now and that I hoped she found true happiness.
> 
> ...


She is being testy with you. You need two need to quit playing games, and go for what you know. If you want her back, make sme damn rules/stipulations for it to work.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> I would do 4 but be very specific on your conditions and no exceptions for anything and make sure she understands that clearly


Yup.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Indy: Just read this and thought of you 

How to Get Over Your Ex

*hugs*


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

The options you laid out (IMHO) can only be entertained based on one thing, Her attitude. Presently she only seems to exerting the minimal amount of effort to win you back. At this time I would be looking at going through the divorce. In truth, divorce or remaining married is only the "state" of your relationship, not the "condition" of it. I would rather go through the divorce, finding a contrite wife willing to do the hard work to regain her husbands love instead of keeping the trappings of marriage with a wife who has a half a$$ed commitment. See my point. In other words I would rather be divorced and in love then married and not.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Initfortheduration said:


> The options you laid out (IMHO) can only be entertained based on one thing, Her attitude. Presently she only seems to exerting the minimal amount of effort to win you back. At this time I would be looking at going through the divorce. In truth, divorce or remaining married is only the "state" of your relationship, not the "condition" of it. I would rather go through the divorce, finding a contrite wife willing to do the hard work to regain her husbands love instead of keeping the trappings of marriage with a wife who has a half a$$ed commitment. See my point. In other words I would rather be divorced and in love then married and not.


Yeah, this sounds right.

Just as you said, she doesn't sound sorry. She sounds like she's finished doing what she was doing and now it's your turn again. Forgive but never forget. Forgive her or you'll never ve able to get over it but never forget what she put you through.

I really don't get what she meant by it was something she had to do, was it the same for your marriage and family, something she had to do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> I really don't get what she meant by it was something she had to do,?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


that's the common me, me, me, me, me addict talk.

Clear indication of her fogged mindset. Selfish, getting her needs met (a "fix") and satisfying her dependance was paramount. Her journey, her life, her wants, her desires, all way more important than anything or anyone else.

*edit* AmImad, Just read the artcile you posted in the above link, I really enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

I


Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> that's the common me, me, me, me, me addict talk.
> 
> Clear indication of her fogged mindset. Selfish, getting her needs met (a "fix") and satisfying her dependance was paramount. Her journey, her life, her wants, her desires, all way more important than anything or anyone else.
> 
> *edit* AmImad, Just read the artcile you posted in the above link, I really enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing.


Okay, what I really don't get is why'd she think that would make it okay. I mean, I obviously can't speak for others but I'd feel better if she had felt something for the OM, I could understand that. What she said meant that she broke her vows and betrayed her family on a whim. That would really close the door.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> My options are :
> 1) continue with the divorce, dont need this crap
> 2) put the divorce on hold, stick to NC and hope the fog lifts and she wants to truly reconcile
> 3) Be her freind and go on dates
> 4) Welcome her home but with conditions. MC, date nights, etc. and hope the fog clears


IndyNial~

Just to be clear, when I look back at some of your past posts, your wife goes back and forth LIKE THE WIND, right? She wants to move in--then moves out--loves you--doesn't love you--loves OM--doesn't love OM--wants to move back--doesn't want to move back.....it is literally INSANITY and entirely unstable and unclear. 

Up to this point, I think part of the issue with the relationship is that the one who is unstable is "running things" and at least trying to make decisions that will affect BOTH of you. You may feel confused and "up and down" but of the two of you, you are the MUCH more consistent and stable one! So here's my thought:

First, about a 1% portion of what your wife says about feeling neglected is true. Now before you utterly go into the "I am not to blame here" mode, I want to be sure you don't misunderstand my statement. SHE is absolutely 100% personally responsible for her choice to be unfaithful and continue to be unfaithful. Before you guys can do *any* kind of reconciling she will need to admit what she did to harm the relationship and take responsibility for the damage she has done (and I don't see even a CLUE of that kind of attitude, do you?). But while you are waiting to see if she is willing to take that kind of personal responsibility for herself, you can take a look at yourself and evaluate if there were actions you did before the affair that left the marriage vulnerable or actions you used to do when you first attracted her that you've stopped doing. Thus the 1% that's true is that at some point, for some reason, she felt lonely. Now that could be HER issue of being needy...or it could be that she used to enjoy talking to you and before the affair you two barely spoke and when you did, it was surface, trivial stuff. Or it could be that you thought working long hours to provide $$ was what meant "I love you" to her, and the whole time she was thinking "Why would he choose to work rather than to be with me?" So see what I mean? It's 100% not a blame thing but more like a clue to consider as you explore yourself to become a better human being, man, and husband. Just begin the search there. 

Second, as I mentioned above I don't hear ANY kind of acknowledgment of personal responsibility in her words, do you? If anything, she messed around until she pretty much lost you, moved out expecting OM to "make her" feel happy, realized he only wanted in her pants and dropped him (or was dumped), and now she wants YOU to "make her" happy! It's as if everyone is responsible *BUT *her!!! Just to be clear, here's what it would sound like if she REALLY GOT IT and really wanted to reconcile: 

"Indy, I have had some time now to myself, and I've been thinking about what happened, and I realize now that it was my own weakness. I was feeling really old and dull and unappreciated, and although I didn't go look for it, I didn't come to you and tell you either. When I felt admired and loved by someone else, I completely fell for it, and I should have realized it was wrong and stopped immediately. My choice to continue hurt you, hurt our kids, almost killed our marriage, and all I was thinking of was myself! I can't believe I was so selfish and immature! What was I thinking?" 

Now is this a perfect response? No, but I bet it's realistic and does at least show some acceptance that she is responsible for her own choices (and YOU are not responsible for "making her" choose things). Make sense? And my guess is that when you hear something close to that...then she'll really be ready to reconcile!

So let's go over our options:

*1) continue with the divorce, dont need this crap*--Well I can honestly say that based on what you've written I wouldn't put an end to the divorce just yet. I would say this stance is what will occur when you have run out of all Love for her. So, let's give it a month and see how it goes. I can also honestly say that this option is quickly coming up.

*2) put the divorce on hold, stick to NC and hope the fog lifts and she wants to truly reconcile*--This is probably my favorite option, except that I wouldn't put the divorce on hold. I would stick with No Contact and wait until you hear her taking personal responsibility similar-ish to what I wrote above. When you hear that, she gets it and means it and you two will have something you can build on. Right now, she's not there. 

*3) Be her freind and go on dates*--One of my LEAST favorite options. Once she has gotten to the point of accepting personal responsibility, THEN you can be her friend and go on dates, but not before. See part of the trouble is that she wanted you to "make her happy", then forgot her vows and turned to someone else to "make her happy", and after leaving that OM now she wants to see if you're willing to "make her happy" or should she look at someone else? Well that's not the issue--she made a VOW to forsake all others for you, so the issue is when/if she will say "My choices are not someone else's responsibility--I made the choice so I'm responsible." Once she gets that and honors her vow by CHOICE...then head here. 

*4) Welcome her home but with conditions. MC, date nights, etc. and hope the fog clears*--Nope. You will spin your wheels forever, as you have been already. That's because she'll follow the conditions enough to get what she wants (move back home...maybe a few dates) and won't do it because she really, actually, deeply MEANS IT. Furthermore, she will not recognize that she also has some things she was doing that made the marriage vulnerable or realize that SHE has to change too! She'll get the "thrill" of a date from you but she won't see the connection that as a married person she has an obligation to give you a "thrill" from her! Make sense? She will only see your side and blame you, etc. until she recognizes that SHE is responsible for what she chooses to do and say.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> Okay, what I really don't get is why'd she think that would make it okay.
> 
> I mean, I obviously can't speak for others but I'd feel better if she had felt something for the OM, I could understand that.
> 
> ...


Reset your thinking. 

Start all of your analysis with the baseline of: "She is "broken", for all intense purposes, an alien. She's mentally, emotionally and morally comprimised, she has reverted back to baseline child like behaviors and has devolved to basic mental survival instincts". all basic rules you operate on are out the window. 

lol.

Think your trying to understand what she is thinking and doing... But your doing it by applying what you understand as common logic, combined with the biggest mistake you could make... listening to what she's saying.

Let me insert her actions and what she said into my "crazy cheating hussy, she-devil translation guide".... hit a few buttons and..... WHAM!

Print out says...

BiT<H is lying.

SHe doesnt think what she's doing is Ok. She knows it's not. But best defense is a good offense so she hopes to shut down and prevent anyone guilting her by showing a strong "fu*k you I d0n't care" attitude... It's a lie.

SHe says she didnt care about OM? ROFLMAO! Awesome the double whammy! Denial to herself to minimize the importance and impact of her massive Life fail! and big dose of gas lighting for the loyal spouse!!! Still his fault, OM meant nothing! Problem wasn't her feelings for OM, was lack of feelings for evil neglectful husband!! Ha!... Well played combo lie.

Final analysis: crazy bit*h be lying. wife taken by alien body snatcher. ignore.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Reset your thinking.
> 
> Start all of your analysis with the baseline of: "She is "broken", for all intense purposes, an alien. She's mentally, emotionally and morally comprimised, she has reverted back to baseline child like behaviors and has devolved to basic mental survival instincts". all basic rules you operate on are out the window.
> 
> ...


Man, you literally set me straight. In all of this, I completely forgot about crazy b!tches lying. It all makes sense that it doesn't make sense. Write a book, you need to spread the gospel. 

BTW, I am not joking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

I just had to post the latest update...

Wife came round to pick up daughter, was smelling very nice and wearing lipstick. First thing she said was "did I want to have a meal next week?" I said "no" and carried on leaving for work. She then started complaining that she didn't have much money because she had been looking after our daughter for the last 10 years (who is 7, so figure that logic out)"

I didnt bite so she then started saying she wasn't going to pay the legal fees when I was earning $x per year. Still didnt respond and then she said "you're nasty, a wicked, wicked man!" Just left as she was calling me evil.

So apparently, not only am I to blame for her affair, her choosing another man, the collapse of our marriage but I'm now also a wicked man!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Silly you, didn't you realise that it's all YOU, all YOUR fault.. same as it's all MY fault my H boarded a plane and f*cked some skank in Australia, came back screwed me up, then found someone else all in the space of a couple of months! And we didn't even know we were doing it! 

Pack your bag Indy..we're running off to a better place!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> I just had to post the latest update...
> 
> Wife came round to pick up daughter, was smelling very nice and wearing lipstick. First thing she said was "did I want to have a meal next week?" I said "no" and carried on leaving for work. She then started complaining that she didn't have much money because she had been looking after our daughter for the last 10 years (who is 7, so figure that logic out)"
> 
> ...


She sounds like a spoilt seven year old rebelling against a parent. You did well to ignore her outbursts. Seven year olds actually “grow up” at some stage and drop that type of behaviour with guidance from the parent. It can be a bit of a shock to witness such childish behaviour in a supposed adult. Odds are that she’ll never “grow up”.

Bob


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Reset your thinking.
> 
> Start all of your analysis with the baseline of: "She is "broken", for all intense purposes, an alien. She's mentally, emotionally and morally comprimised, she has reverted back to baseline child like behaviors and has devolved to basic mental survival instincts". all basic rules you operate on are out the window.
> 
> ...


That knowledge can only be written by someone who's experienced the crap that comes out of a DS's mouth.

Bob


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Well its been about a month now. I cant go totally NC as we have a duaghter. I still havent had any remorseful response. She has pretty much said everything else except the words I want to hear. she has said she is sorry for what she did. She says she wishes she had more sense. She says she got caught up in something. she still loves me, we have something worth saving, she doesnt want a divorce, says she misses me, isnt happy, etc. 

As has been pointed out by many people her attitude just isnt there yet, at the moment it feels like she is feeling sorry for herself. She says she wants us to get to know each other again and wants us to reconnect. However, all of this has just been small nuggets of things she has said. I thought by now she would be spilling out what she is thinking, contacting me to apologise etc. nothing.

She just seems very lost at the moment, she'll go from ingnoring me to being angry that she doesnt have enough money. I do still love her but right now this isnt the person I want to be with. I dont know if she has gone forever or if she is just sorting through her emotions. She says she feels nothing for the OM and called him a slime ball. 

I have seen some glimmers of realisation, the other day she was arguing with me because I called her a ***** in the past, I simply said that the woman I was deeply in love with was going out and having sex with another man and then not caring how it affected me. I then said I just couldnt understand how someone who loved me could do this to me. I was frustrated and said those things in an effort to get some kind of response. She didnt have an answer to that and then looked really contemplative for about 30 mins. 

Right now all I know is that I love her and dont want a divorce BUT I also know that there is no hope for our marriage in her current state of mind.

Its REALLY confusing. I look on here and see posts where people are happy that their spouse isnt divorcing them yet here I am divorcing the woman that I love. She wants to move home, says she loves me, misses me but is emotioanlly vacant.

I dont know wether to keep talking to her to bring her round. She did emotionally disconnect from me so may we need to reconnect so she can get in touch with those feelings?

Or do I just cut her off and go NC? I feel like saying "Just say sorry for screwing up our marriage, that you made some serious mistakes and want another chance." But this has to come from her, I cant give her a script to read.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Do the following:-

Ask her handwrite a no contact letter to the OM , sample on the affaircafe.com site under articles. Copy the letter , mail the original to the OM and a further copy to her parents and siblings. Do not let hebecome home and do not stop the divorce process you are following. Say in direct terms that for both of you to move forward she has to evidence in her words, actions and deeds that she loves you and is no longer in an affair. Buy her the book "surviving an affair" by Harley, she should read it and tell you what extraordinary precautions she is putting in place. 

The above is a start however do not take her back unitil/if you are certain you want her back. The final choice is yours and yours alone, do not let your emotions decide the next steps use your head and keep your thoughts clear of distractions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

You can't make her want to come back; she has to come back on her own. It seems she still doesn't get it. If I were you I'd say "SEE YA!"


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

The thing is she hasn't said anything about committing to the marriage. She says the place she is in is paid up for 6 months. She says we should take it slow, its almost like she wants us to get to know each other and then decide if we want to divorce or not.

Part of me thinks maybe its not a bad idea as I could see if I really do want her back?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> The thing is she hasn't said anything about committing to the marriage. She says the place she is in is paid up for 6 months. She says we should take it slow, its almost like she wants us to get to know each other and then decide if we want to divorce or not.
> 
> Part of me thinks maybe its not a bad idea as I could see if I really do want her back?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What do you really feel in your heart? Could you forgive her and trust her again? Because it's more than just giving her another chance, it's giving your heart another chance. Really think about it. Maybe slow the D process down and see how you feel about her. It's ultimately your decision, but you don't want to wake up years from now and regret not giving it a go. For whatever reason. Affairs either WAKE UP or BREAK UP a marriage. It isn't always the end. But I do get your hesitation considering the hell she's put you through. Stay strong and make an informed decision not one rushed due to the hurt. 

PS - LOVE your screen name. Very clever.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

*UPDATE*

Since the last time I posted I've been sticking to the 180 and been pretty successful, slipped up a couple times but remained consistent.

She has commented that I seem to be doing well, look good, says things like maybe you're so happy cos you got rid of me. I limited contact but didnt avoid her. Kept getting texts from her saying she loved me etc. 

Then 1 day went to pick my duaghter up and wife was all smiley with me, flirty. I asked what was happening with OM and she told me she had told him to stay away and he was. I took my daughter to an amusement park and got lots of texts from her. Unfortuently she sent a text by mistake which said something like "me and OM are getting drunk why dont you join us". I called her up just casually asking if the text was meant for me, she then fell over herself trying to make up excuses 0 I never sent that, it was an old one, I meant to say someone else not OM, etc. I just said whatever and hung up. She then texted me saying it was him but he was just a friend, he knows where he stands. They were just discussing the house (he paid 6 months rent on it).

Anyway, it really pissed me off and I realised that even though I was 180'ing I was still seeing her and talking with her. I felt really pissed off with myself that I allowed myself to slip back into somekind of freindship. She then tried to call me all evening and sent loads of texts saying it was me she loved, she loved me so much, she was mine, etc. Ignored them all.

Then 4am she lets herself into the house and stands by the bed very drunk and telling me she is still single, etc. She then starts throwing up and repeating "what have I done" over and over again, says I'm lovely. I let her sleep on the floor and then she got into bed, was too tired to argue at this point and she clearly wasnt in stable frame of mind. She then tells me how after she called me she went to another bar BY HERSELF and drank until they refused to serve her.

I then went into strict LC and she kept just happening to be in the same place I was and asking if wwe could talk, told her no. 

Last weekend she sent me a text saying how would I feel if she went and stayed at her mothers as she couldnt afford to live in the place she has now. Didnt play along with her. Phone rang and it was her, first thing she said was I love you. She was a bit tipsy and told her she shouldnt be drinking. I then got a call about 9:30 from her freind asking if I'd seen her. I found out the next day she had gone out drinking again by herself and met up with some guys, says she remebers letting one of them grope her breasts.

I was picking my daughter up so went to check on the wife as she was lying in bed very hungover. She said she missed me and kept crying over what a mess everything was. Said everytime she sees an old couple she thinks that should have been us. When she heard the vows at the roayal wedding she thought how things had gone pear shaped. I felt really sorry for her, told her I would help. Gave her a hug and got all sappy and protective. I was really shocked by what she had done, she said she didnt know what she was becomming.

Anyway, I left her and then dropped our daughter off. Asked her how she felt about us and she turned it on me and said how do I feel. I just told her that she was the one that left. she said she needs to get off the medication she is on and sort herself out. She then had another dig at me about being on the computer for the millionth time. This snapped me back to reality and I left. Sent her a text later saying I just couldnt be around her anymore and we should keep the no contact going.

Yesterday she picked up our daughter and apologised for the way she had treated me and cant imagine what she put me through. Asked her why she hadnt said this before and she said she wasnt ready to face it before, that she has hit rock bottom and no longer in denial, siad she just didnt want to beleive she could do something like that. I asked her of she would consider counseling and she said yes, then asked could we make it work.

I havent contaced her at all since then and not heard anything from her. I know the OM isnt active because my daughter would have told me and when she was crying she said how lonely and meaningless it all felt. 

She is moving out of the fog but still no attitude saying she wants to save the marriage, says we should put the divorce on hold but its like she is looking for me to make the move. Like she wants me to ask her back. 

I dont really know what I'm asking here, guess just venting my thoughts. I would consider getting back with her but she has to do the work, I'm not going to beg, convince or argue her back. If she wants back then she has to make the effort. I just dont know if she is scared of opening up.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> *UPDATE*
> 
> Since the last time I posted I've been sticking to the 180 and been pretty successful, slipped up a couple times but remained consistent.
> 
> ...


This woman is toxic, take a while to think about this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

I agree. It sounds similar to the up & down saga that made me look and feel pathetic. I wish I understood then, that the only way we could have a chance for re-establishing a healthy relationship was if he fought for me and us & didn't want any contact with the OW. For me to get over the betrayal and trust him again, he would've had to do everything he could to show me he understood & cared about how much he hurt me and us. It takes a very remorseful genuine and humble betrayer to want to be in that position and to take on that task. I wasn't ever that important to him.

It's hard to realize & accept that, I know. As much as I loved him & our marriage & would have done anything to make him happy, he didn't love me in the same way. I was valuable until he wanted a new supply of attention (& money). It's just my opinion & I could have it all wrong but I thought I'd share how I feel based on my experience. I know you will get through this.. hang in there.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Well done Indy, you’ve come a long way. Sometimes people need to get themselves into the pit for a while before they see how they got themselves there in the first place.

If you’ve a mind to reach out and help her out of her pit be really careful she doesn’t drag you in for a second time. I think you need more low contact (essentials) 180 to go through as yet. Essentially you need more time to see if she’s manipulating the heck out of you. Her running out of money is not a valid reason for using you.

Bob


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

> This woman is toxic, take a while to think about this.


Yes, she is. Right now anyway. what I'm trying to figure out is she genuinely starting to sort herself out. Going out drinking by yourself is pretty low. For most of our marriage she wouldnt touch the stuff, even special occaisions.

AFEH - I have come a long way. I finally got the message that unless I respect myslef why would anyone else respect me.

I'm just not going to give parts of myself away to try and fill in the missing bits in other people, especially when they dont show any gratitude back.

I want to help her but I'm feeling more confident and self assured I'm not going to let her dismantle that ever again. If she proves that she is serious then bit by bit I will help her but she is the one that needs to reach out.

Today she sent me 2 texts :
17:48 - "Hiya - have you had a good day at work? Still havent had any alcohol!"
22:56 - "Fine - just ignore me. I wont bother you again."

I just find it amazing that she had an affair, moved out, and I'm divorcing her yet she keeps trying to chat to me as though we're freinds. I've told her a number of times that I want no contact with her, I think cos I've been Mr Nice for so long she just thinks I'm going to cave in.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

I got a text from her this morning asking if we are beyond hope and that she misses me and being a family.

I just replied that as long as she thought it was ok to be freinds or have contact with OM then there was no hope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Good for you Indy, stay strong. Sounds like the fog is lifting.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Her response...

"what you said earlier would absolutely be totally requisite and go without saying."

Why do I feel like I should send it to CSI?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Indy Nial said:


> Yes, she is. Right now anyway. what I'm trying to figure out is she genuinely starting to sort herself out. Going out drinking by yourself is pretty low. For most of our marriage she wouldnt touch the stuff, even special occaisions.
> 
> AFEH - I have come a long way. I finally got the message that unless I respect myslef why would anyone else respect me.
> 
> ...


my husband does this with me too. He tries to get me to engage in small talk with him. When he does this, I ignore him. Our relationship is strictly business for matters pertaining to the children and that is all. I don't know if trying to chat with me makes him feel better but he is not my friend right now.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> my husband does this with me too. He tries to get me to engage in small talk with him. When he does this, I ignore him. Our relationship is strictly business for matters pertaining to the children and that is all. I don't know if trying to chat with me makes him feel better but he is not my friend right now.


My ex does it too. I have specifically told her that I will not be her friend. Friends don't stand by and watch a friend suffer. They do not cheat on them and they do not lie to them for extended periods. 
I lost my best friend. This is what hurts the most.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

I tried telling my wife why I didnt want to talk to her and in the end and just walked up to her and saild stop texting me, just leave me alone. No explanation, no reasoning.

Since then she has had a different attitude. Latest tes from her "Do you want to save this marriage?"

Think I'm going with "Dont know"


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Instead of simply saying 'don't know' say *'I don't know if you have true remorse for your betrayal, why then should I even WANT to try to save the marriage?'*


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

morituri - I posted your response. This is what I got back..

"I dont know if you have remorse for yoour disgusting betrayal" (back in September after the affair went PA, I admitted to watching porn, apologised to her but she brings it up all the time)

Then couple hours later got this...

"For your information Indy, I am horrified to think what I did to you. I feel sick thikning about it. All I can say is I was very unwell and desperatley unhappy because of it. I know it is still very, very wrong how I treated you but beleive me [Mrs Indy] had left the building. I was not right Indy and the perpetual crazy binge drinking was the last straw..."

Goes on to say she is getting herself better and ended saying that when she looks at me she sees a man she still loves.

We sent a few texts as I told her how betrayed I felt and then she started the old computer addict and porn digs. Never said anything spiteful back and eventually she said...

"I dont sleep very well because I am haunted by what I have done. I dont know how I could have done it. I even started smoking again...."

Goes on to say she thinks the medication she is on has a heavy influence on her behaviour and make her feel apathetic and indifferent to things.

So, not sure what to do. She sees the doctor tommorow about lowering her dosage.

I dont know wether to relax the LC and allow her to share stuff with me, ask for 100% commitment (dont think she is there yet) or stick to the LC. I feel sorry for her, whenever I see her she looks lost, she pretends like she is happy but I can see its just for show.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> morituri - I posted your response. This is what I got back..
> 
> "I dont know if you have remorse for yoour disgusting betrayal" (back in September after the affair went PA, I admitted to watching porn, apologised to her but she brings it up all the time)
> 
> ...


I wouldn't. Whenever she admits she was wrong, she adds that you were wrong too. She's also setting herself up for an easy out with her medication. At this point, I think she's trying to game her way back in. She's not genuine.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Indy here's something you might want to consider telling her the next time she tries to equate your porn viewing with her sexual romp with the OM:

*"If you can't distinguish the difference between the fantasy world of my porn viewing and the real world porno of your naked body and genitals being sexually pounded over and over again by another man, then I'm afraid there's no hope for us."*

Replace LC with NC. No true remorse = divorce


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Update : Just shut the door on reconciliation

May as well keep this going until the divorce is finalised (about 2 months hopefully)

I no longer have to try and do the 180 or limited contact anymore, they just happen because I don't want my wife back. OK, let me just re-phrase that - I don't want whoever my wife is currently back.

Yesterday we had a long chat about where we are and that she doesn't want a divorce, misses me, misses being a family, etc.

Anyway, the key things that she said were

- She has been seeing the OM last few weeks but they don't sleep together
- she is in love with him but loves me (that's the difference she says)
- She think about me every day and I'm always in the back of her mind
- She doesn't feel at peace because she knows its wrong
- She stood in front of God, her family and friends and made a vow which she has now broken
- She thinks we can have an even stronger marriage
- She doesn't want to live with this guy or grow old with him
- She want to give it another go because we still have something and we owe it to our daughter to try
- she already told this guy its off because she just doesn't have peace and will write a no contact letter, go to MC, etc.

I just said I'm not going to believe anything until she proves that she is genuine and sincere. When I left she sent a text saying "I love you Indy". The thing is those words do nothing for me anymore and I have no desire to say I Love You back. My wife died a long time ago and I just don't have any desire to put any effort again with this stranger in my wife's body.

I thought about it overnight and this morning I sent her a text saying that I was sorry but I just couldn't do this; that I don't want to be with someone that is only with me because she feels guilty about the person she really wants to be with. I ended it saying that in a couple months we will be divorced and she will be free to do what she wants.

Kind of sad right now but she doesn't want it enough and I just don't have any faith in her. I did the right thing - didn't I?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Indy you have done what is good for you , your wife talks and does very little of nothing to evidence her desire to change. If and it is a big if she had gone hard NC on OM , banished him from her life , done all those items to evidence to you she was sincere then maybe you would have a different opinion, she has not she continues to cake eat and try get you to engage with her, she still has not dumped OM , if and but are her negotiating tools. 

It's your life she killed your love for her , she can still turn this around even after a divorce though the choice will ultimately be yours.

A message to your wife: you want a wife who loves you unconditionally , does not share any form of love with another man, a wife who is your lover, very best friend, an equal in a marriage, a wife who actively works on protecting your relationship, a wife who consciously forefills your emotional needs. When and where has she done any of this? If she is so sincere why is she still in contact with the OM ? Send her a text with this and let her stew on these statements. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

As for her comments of what she said to the OM don't believe her , you were not there and as she is still in the affair she is a consumate liar. She is like a woodpecker knocking at your door to see if it is still open.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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