# Wife low sex drive, doesn't want orgasms



## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

Timeline


7.5 Years - Started dating
6.5 Years - Became sexually active
6.25 Years - She got on the pill
5.5 Years - We moved in together
5 Years - I bought her a vibrator
Ever Since - Low sex drive

Up until I bought her a vibrator, she was very sexually active with me. She used to listen to sex podcasts and want to try out a whole array of new things. Around when I bought her that damn thing, her libido went way down. I can't remember exactly, but I think that was one of the reasons I bought it for her.

We now think the pill is driving down her libido, and she's trying a new one. Anyway, for the past 2-3 years, she's told me that she doesn't get turned on at all. She has sex with me because it is something I want and need, but she doesn't experience any pleasure for herself. On top of her claiming she never gets turned on, she uses her vibrator 2-3 times a week when she is "bored" or "there is nothing else to do".

Also during this time, she stopped asking for or wanting me to give her orgasms. I frequently ask her if she wants me to (I want to really badly) and 99% of the time she says no. I was never very good with my fingers (callouses) but she used to tell me that I was great orally. She's not let me give her oral for a long time now. It makes me feel awkward about our sex life because it is all one-sided.

Though she tells me this is not the case, the only way I can make sense of it is that every time she gets in the mood to have an orgasm, she turns to her vibrator. Then when it is time to have sex with me, she's already done with what she wants, so she's not very active as a partner.

I've tried doing some things to get her more interested in me sexually. I've gotten into shape, practiced extreme hygiene, went for a months a time with no sex (in hopes that she finally would want it), and talked to her about it extensively.

Does anyone have any ideas for me to try to increase her libido? And what about the thing where she doesn't want orgasms at all? Should I throw away the vibrator? I hate that damn thing..


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Looks like a PA to me, did you consider that possibility?

She gives you sex as you 'need it', but for herself to enjoy might feel as betrayal to the OM/OW.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Looks like a PA to me, did you consider that possibility?
> 
> She gives you sex as you 'need it', but for herself to enjoy might feel as betrayal to the OM/OW.


What is a "PA"?


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Looks like a PA to me, did you consider that possibility?
> 
> She gives you sex as you 'need it', but for herself to enjoy might feel as betrayal to the OM/OW.


Ah, I've found it. There is absolutely no possibility of that. I'm not just trying to ignore it, but just letting you know that there is no time or place where it could possibly happen at all.

On top of that, there's no way that I wouldn't find out. For one, we both have have each other's passwords to everything and don't get upset with each other for snooping. Secondly, being a developer, I can and have looked at emails, text messages, etc. that have been "deleted".


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Well..., 

In the Coping with infidelity threads I have read the most unbelievable discoveries by some spouses....People really were not expecting anything, and would never ever think it even possible.

And then the spouse is a secret sex slave from someone on the other side of the world, or the spouse works as a part-time escort girl, etc. etc.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Well...,
> 
> In the Coping with infidelity threads I have read the most unbelievable discoveries by some spouses....People really were not expecting anything, and would never ever think it even possible.
> 
> And then the spouse is a secret sex slave from someone on the other side of the world, or the spouse works as a part-time escort girl, etc. etc.


I understand how it could sound like it. Though I would never think it would ever happen, I'm still practical about it. The only way she could possibly hide it from me is to have absolutely no electronic communication at all. She knows that we both snoop on each other, but she has no idea that it is even possible for me to read any correspondence that she deleted.

Now you're getting me paranoid, though.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Looks like a PA to me, did you consider that possibility?
> 
> She gives you sex as you 'need it', but for herself to enjoy might feel as betrayal to the OM/OW.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

wiigirl said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It's not a physical affair... There's no way that it could happen. She doesn't travel, she works full time, she doesn't go out without me, and when she does, it is with her sister who usually comes over to pick her up. There's also no hint of anything on her phone, computer, email, or anything. She's not distant emotionally, and she's wanting to have children soon.

I would very much appreciate it if you all wouldn't suggest this anymore.


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## imhiswife (Sep 7, 2012)

Well like you, I am trusting of my spouse. So let's think of reasons outside of infidelity. The first thing I thought was her birth control, some of my friends have had issues with this, although my pill has never effected me like that. Could she be depressed? That kills your mood and libido. The vibrator, does she use it a lot? I mean she should want to have sex with her hubby. I'm assuming you know what you're doing but you could ask her maybe if there's something she'd rather you do, or not do. Maybe you could include toys in your own sex play. Get creative, make her feel special and loved. Usually women want to feel safe and happy with their spouses. Some women just can have low libidos. Good luck!


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Why do you both snoop on each other? Do you not trust her? Could it be that she's just very attached to that toy? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

Seppuku said:


> Why do you both snoop on each other? Do you not trust her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We trust each other, and we both think it is natural and perfectly fine to snoop. We are of the mind that, as husband and wife, there are no secrets kept from each other. That extends into the realm of electronics. So right when we got married, we exchanged and tested every password to everything we had.

We both know that we're never going to find anything, but snooping can reassure you. If one of us ever starts feeling insecure or something, we can snoop just for reassurance.

There's been several times where it has been beneficial for us to snoop. For instance, I might get an important email and not see it. She'll see it and ask me about it. This works both ways, too. We like to know what each other is doing, and sometimes you just forget to mention some things.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

That's a little confusing to me, but each to his own. 

Have you had her hormone levels checked?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

imhiswife said:


> Well like you, I am trusting of my spouse. So let's think of reasons outside of infidelity. The first thing I thought was her birth control, some of my friends have had issues with this, although my pill has never effected me like that. Could she be depressed? That kills your mood and libido. The vibrator, does she use it a lot? I mean she should want to have sex with her hubby. I'm assuming you know what you're doing but you could ask her maybe if there's something she'd rather you do, or not do. Maybe you could include toys in your own sex play. Get creative, make her feel special and loved. Usually women want to feel safe and happy with their spouses. Some women just can have low libidos. Good luck!


I think a lot of it has to do with birth control too. She gets frustrated about it too, and says that if she could get her sex drive up somehow, she would. Although it has gotten to where she gets frustrated and defensive anytime I bring it up, now. As far as I can tell, she uses the vibrator 2-3 times per week. 

If she is depressed, she is damn good at hiding it. We play with each other all the time, have little mock-wrestling matches, and make each other laugh constantly. I don't see how she could be depressed acting like she does.

The thing is, I _mostly_ know what I'm doing. Since we even attempt me giving her any sort of an orgasm so infrequently, I am rusty on it. She doesn't want oral sex anymore, and that is what I used to be good at. So that damn vibrator waaay outperforms my fingers. I just can't compete with it.

We used to have intercourse while she was using her vibrator, but for some reason, she doesn't even suggest that anymore. I believe I do make her happy and make her feel safe. She actually tells me that I do frequently.

I just naturally use sex as a "love-meter," so it makes me feel insecure about our entire relationship when it doesn't seem to bother her all that much.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Possibly the vibrator provide more intense stimulation than you can. Her body and mind have adapted to that, and what you're doing cant match what she can get out of the vibrator (and other toys?)

If so, hide the toys for a few months so that her body can readjust (hopefully).


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

Seppuku said:


> That's a little confusing to me, but each to his own.
> 
> Have you had her hormone levels checked?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, we haven't. She used to openly communicate about sex to me and sometimes others. But now, she's gone all quiet and is acting like an innocent good-girl that doesn't speak of such things. Getting her to even go try a new birth control pill took a year and a half.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

aug said:


> Possibly the vibrator provide more intense stimulation than you can. Her body and mind have adapted to that, and what you're doing cant match what she can get out of the vibrator (and other toys?)
> 
> If so, hide the toys for a few months so that her body can readjust (hopefully).


That's kind of what I've thought. But I really have no clue if I'm justified in taking that away.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So why doesn't she want oral sex from you anymore?

Here's what I'm thinking, speaking as a guy who left a essentially sexless marriage with a wife who seemed to enjoy sex when we did have it...

1). Birth control pills when you're not having sex are pretty useless...
2). She likes having orgasms (2 or 3 a week!). She just doesn't like them with you. 
3). At some point, you need to have the hard conversation. "I don't know" and "Nothing" aren't acceptable answers to the questions of what's wrong and what can you do different. Tears and emotional responses can't get her off the hook. 

You could just tell her that your sex life is going to improve, one way or another. You'd really really prefer it was with her, but failing that, you're willing to consider other alternatives. Might want to keep that as a last resort, though... 

I left my marriage not JUST because of our sex life, although that was a significant part of it. Her unwillingness to attempt to work on it was a bigger part. If you're not willing to work on a problem, then you're part of the problem. Since then, I've gotten into a relationship with a wonderful woman who came for a sexless marriage too (2 years without, at one point). At 40+ years old, we're making up for lost time!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

Ok I have to say it. Being in IT myself (Infrastructure Architect) it is and would be very easy for me to snoop on my wife. Occasionally if she is not by her cell phone and a text comes in I will look at it and relay the message to her but thats as far as my "snooping" will ever go. I trust her with everything and if there are no "secrets", I also trust that she tells me everything that is relevant to our relationship. Certain personal things are and will always be secrets no matter how hard you try though and you have to be ok with that. Most of the time these secrets are out of embarrassment or fear to a deliberate attempt to hide things. The other point is that just because you are a developer and you know your way around a computer inside and out, no matter how good you think you are, things can be hidden. It sure doesn't sound like that is what is happening here, it simply sounds like she has lost interest in sex. While I can't say it is normal, my wife did the same thing. Most of the time I think she gives me sex because I want it, not because she wants it. The million dollar question that I have yet to figure out is how to really get her in the mood so she would want it before I try to initiate. Just remember there are always ways to create new free email addresses and not store the cookies or the passwords. Pre-Paid phones are available for phone and text conversations, etc... Don't think for one minute that you could ever track everything. Either trust your wife or don't, and if you don't then you need to figure out why. Snooping is not normal regardless of what you say and it is certainly not a sign of trust from either party no matter how much either of you accept it.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I think it could be the birth control too coupled with the fact that she's using that vibrator too much if she's denying you sex or laying there like a dead fish!

Make a rule that the vibe (if used at all) is only to be used during sex WITH you!

Also, get her off the pills now and try a condom for a while to see if that is in fact the issue


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

My suspicion is if the sex act with you depends on her having an orgasm it will take longer. If in fact she's not getting enjoyment out of it she wants it to be over as quickly as possible. She can take care of her own orgasms later with the vibrator.

Definately look at the pill. I've heard on many different occasions how that is a real libido killer for women. It sounds like she wants to get to where you want her to be. The two of you need to keep working together to figure out how to get her there. 

Good luck!


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

MarriedMojo said:


> Ok I have to say it. Being in IT myself (Infrastructure Architect) it is and would be very easy for me to snoop on my wife. Occasionally if she is not by her cell phone and a text comes in I will look at it and relay the message to her but thats as far as my "snooping" will ever go. I trust her with everything and if there are no "secrets", I also trust that she tells me everything that is relevant to our relationship. Certain personal things are and will always be secrets no matter how hard you try though and you have to be ok with that. Most of the time these secrets are out of embarrassment or fear to a deliberate attempt to hide things. The other point is that just because you are a developer and you know your way around a computer inside and out, no matter how good you think you are, things can be hidden. It sure doesn't sound like that is what is happening here, it simply sounds like she has lost interest in sex. While I can't say it is normal, my wife did the same thing. Most of the time I think she gives me sex because I want it, not because she wants it. The million dollar question that I have yet to figure out is how to really get her in the mood so she would want it before I try to initiate. Just remember there are always ways to create new free email addresses and not store the cookies or the passwords. Pre-Paid phones are available for phone and text conversations, etc... Don't think for one minute that you could ever track everything. Either trust your wife or don't, and if you don't then you need to figure out why. Snooping is not normal regardless of what you say and it is certainly not a sign of trust from either party no matter how much either of you accept it.


I do know that I could never track everything, but I'm pretty confident that, if something were up, I would catch _something_ that would tip me off.

This is not the case, though - I was just trying to get everyone to rule out the fact that she is having an affair. From an outsider's perspective it sounds like we don't trust each other. It's not like that at all - we just show that we trust each other by giving the other person access to everything that we have.

That doesn't necessarily mean we are constantly snooping on the other person, it just means we can if we want to. I typically am not looking at all of her emails and stuff, but if I get the feeling she is being sneaky about something, I could if I wanted to.

Thinking about it now, I know it must sound odd to other people, but neither of us believes we have trust issues and it has been working for us.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> My suspicion is if the sex act with you depends on her having an orgasm it will take longer. If in fact she's not getting enjoyment out of it she wants it to be over as quickly as possible. She can take care of her own orgasms later with the vibrator.
> 
> Definately look at the pill. I've heard on many different occasions how that is a real libido killer for women. It sounds like she wants to get to where you want her to be. The two of you need to keep working together to figure out how to get her there.
> 
> Good luck!


Your suspicion is correct. She tries to get it over with quickly because she doesn't enjoy it. And she doesn't enjoy it because she's trying to get through with it quickly by skipping herself.

I think I'll talk to her about going off the pill.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

Toffer said:


> I think it could be the birth control too coupled with the fact that she's using that vibrator too much if she's denying you sex or laying there like a dead fish!
> 
> Make a rule that the vibe (if used at all) is only to be used during sex WITH you!
> 
> Also, get her off the pills now and try a condom for a while to see if that is in fact the issue


The problem is getting her to agree to the rule. I've tried something similar before, and she would just straight up tell me she's not going to follow the rule.

That's why I'm more considering just throwing the damn thing away or at least hiding it. I think she would be much less apt to masturbate if it took her longer then 1 minute.

I'll talk to her about the pill. We are thinking about trying for kids soon anyway, so it is bound to happen sometime or later.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

PBear said:


> So why doesn't she want oral sex from you anymore?
> 
> Here's what I'm thinking, speaking as a guy who left a essentially sexless marriage with a wife who seemed to enjoy sex when we did have it...
> 
> ...


I agree with 1, 2, and somewhat agree with 3. 

The rest of it I could consider if there was absolutely no sex, but there is. It just isn't as good as it could be. We have sex about once per week. The problem we have now isn't so large that it would endanger our marriage, just enough to be frustrating and upsetting.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Aggie said:


> The problem is getting her to agree to the rule. I've tried something similar before, and she would just straight up tell me she's not going to follow the rule.
> 
> That's why I'm more considering just throwing the damn thing away or at least hiding it. I think she would be much less apt to masturbate if it took her longer then 1 minute.
> 
> I'll talk to her about the pill. We are thinking about trying for kids soon anyway, so it is bound to happen sometime or later.


Throwing away her toy may win you the battle, but it won't win you the war. You're still not addressing the root problem. She doesn't care to have sex or an orgasm with you. 

And having a child with her now would likely be the worst thing you could do to improve your sex life, with the possible exception of bringing in a hired stud to service her. If you think your sex life sucks now, wait till you have kids. A seriously bad idea.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

PBear said:


> Throwing away her toy may win you the battle, but it won't win you the war. You're still not addressing the root problem. She doesn't care to have sex or an orgasm with you.
> 
> And having a child with her now would likely be the worst thing you could do to improve your sex life, with the possible exception of bringing in a hired stud to service her. If you think your sex life sucks now, wait till you have kids. A seriously bad idea.
> 
> ...


There's just no way for me to tell what the "root of the problem" is. I think it might be the pill, but I can't be for certain until she has stopped taking it for ~1-2 months. Which, for us, is kind of impractical unless we are trying to have kids.

One of the large reason she got on the pill to begin with was because of really bad cycles (pms, cramps, acne, etc.) I don't think I can convince her to get off of it unless we are planning to start trying asap.

That one variable is really throwing off the entire evaluation. I can't know if there is something wrong that I'm doing, if it just her preferring the vibrator over me, or if it is just the pill.


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

Definitely lose the BC pills and monitor the effect once their gone. I spent a year playing guinea pig with BC pills. The side effects were terrible. Every one of them killed my libido. Some had other physical side effects. Others affected my personality (not in a good way). 

I also second waiting on kids until you've ironed out this issue. A baby will do nothing to improve your sex life. The opposite in fact.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

Does she like any physical contact with you? Does she like to exchange back rubs or foot massages? Does she like to cuddle or hug? Try a 30 second hug. I found that in a marriage book. Is she avoiding any kind of intimacy? Will she talk to you about what is going on or do you feel like she is avoiding topics?

I limit my vibrator use because I think it decreases sensitivity if used exclusively over the years. I can see why a woman would use a vibrator if her H won't get her there, but if you do then I don't see why she wouldn't want it. 

Did something happen around the time she lost interest in sex with you, something other than the vibrator? 

Finally, don't let her cop out with "I don't know". I let young children get away with that, but I expect more from an adult. If she doesn't want to think about, maybe a counselor can help her figure out why it is uncomfortable to take her thoughts there. People avoid things by not thinking about them.

Enjoy the journey.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

If it was just the vibrator, she would use it WITH you. There is more to it. Enjoy the journey!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Aggie said:


> There's just no way for me to tell what the "root of the problem" is. I think it might be the pill, but I can't be for certain until she has stopped taking it for ~1-2 months. Which, for us, is kind of impractical unless we are trying to have kids.
> 
> One of the large reason she got on the pill to begin with was because of really bad cycles (pms, cramps, acne, etc.) I don't think I can convince her to get off of it unless we are planning to start trying asap.
> 
> That one variable is really throwing off the entire evaluation. I can't know if there is something wrong that I'm doing, if it just her preferring the vibrator over me, or if it is just the pill.


You've summed up your problem and I'm not sure you realize it. You trying to solve this problem on your own is like putting a Neanderthal in a hanger with all the parts for a space shuttle and then asking him to assembly it. In the dark. You need to get her buy-in that there is a problem, and start turning on some lights for you. 

Take my advice for what it's worth... Having kids will almost definitely not fix your problem, and will likely make it much much worse. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

PBear said:


> You've summed up your problem and I'm not sure you realize it. You trying to solve this problem on your own is like putting a Neanderthal in a hanger with all the parts for a space shuttle and then asking him to assembly it. In the dark. You need to get her buy-in that there is a problem, and start turning on some lights for you.
> 
> Take my advice for what it's worth... Having kids will almost definitely not fix your problem, and will likely make it much much worse.
> 
> ...


Any idea on how I should approach the subject? I have talked with her about it, but after a little bit she gets defensive or shuts down. She knows that she has a low sex drive, and it frustrates her too. I just naturally care more about our sex life than she does, and am much more active in trying to solve the problem.

And we don't plan on having kids to fix the problem - we are planning to have kids because we both want to have kids while we are still young. It has been part of our life plan for a long time now, and I don't think this is dramatic enough of a problem to push back what has been very important to both of us.


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## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

Aggie said:


> Any idea on how I should approach the subject? I have talked with her about it, but after a little bit she gets defensive or shuts down. She knows that she has a low sex drive, and it frustrates her too. I just naturally care more about our sex life than she does, and am much more active in trying to solve the problem.
> 
> And we don't plan on having kids to fix the problem - we are planning to have kids because we both want to have kids while we are still young. It has been part of our life plan for a long time now, and I don't think this is dramatic enough of a problem to push back what has been very important to both of us.


My wife did, and sometimes still does get very defensive and will shut down from time to time about how low her drive is. I am not sure this is an uncommon thing. We never used to talk about sex, it was something we just did, then over time it disappeared. I tried for a couple of years to bring it up as a problem. One day not very long ago at all I told her I was done trying and that we couldn't figure out a solution I was not going to be happy. I never threatened to leave her but I made it clear that I was serious about fixing the issue. My thought would be just keep trying and don't keep beating a dead horse, try different approaches with her. Bring it up in different ways. Before my wife would open up I tried countless types of discussion methods. I tried withholding it even on the rare occasions she did want it, none of it worked. It took me, I don't even know how, telling her that if she really loved me she would talk to me because this wasn't just some wish, I was serious.

I hope this helps at least some from someone who as been through a similar situation recently. Just don't give up hope if you really want it to work. If she really loves you and you really love her you two will find a way to get past your differences.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I didn't mean to imply you were going to have kids to try to fix the problem. What I meant was that having kids was going to be a result of your fix, based on what you said. And just like you thinking of hiding her toy to get her more interested in having sex with you, you're looking at trying to sneak one past her defenses by suggesting she go off the pill so you can have kids. And just like that, you might win that particular battle... She might be more interested in sex for a little while. But the end result (the war, if you will) will be much less sex for you for the mid to long term. 

I really wish I had an answer for you. It would have solved my marriage problems too. You can try the Married Mans Sex Life, and No More Mr. Nice Guy. But most likely, at the very least you're going to have to break some eggs to make your omelet. Her emotional responses can't sway you from your need to get the problems out in the open and work on them. It's her defense mechanism, and it's working 100%. She's still the holder of the keys to your marital sex life because of it.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

PBear said:


> I didn't mean to imply you were going to have kids to try to fix the problem. What I meant was that having kids was going to be a result of your fix, based on what you said. And just like you thinking of hiding her toy to get her more interested in having sex with you, you're looking at trying to sneak one past her defenses by suggesting she go off the pill so you can have kids. And just like that, you might win that particular battle... She might be more interested in sex for a little while. But the end result (the war, if you will) will be much less sex for you for the mid to long term.
> 
> I really wish I had an answer for you. It would have solved my marriage problems too. You can try the Married Mans Sex Life, and No More Mr. Nice Guy. But most likely, at the very least you're going to have to break some eggs to make your omelet. Her emotional responses can't sway you from your need to get the problems out in the open and work on them. It's her defense mechanism, and it's working 100%. She's still the holder of the keys to your marital sex life because of it.
> 
> ...


Oh. I'm not trying to manipulate her to get off birth control by disguising it as trying to have kids. I actually do want to have kids, and so does she. I was just trying to say that she will be getting off of birth control sooner rather than later, and that I will get more info on what I'm only speculating about now.

I think I'll look into those books. At the moment, I just don't have the heart to force the conversation onto her when she's getting upset by it.


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## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

Aggie said:


> Oh. I'm not trying to manipulate her to get off birth control by disguising it as trying to have kids. I actually do want to have kids, and so does she. I was just trying to say that she will be getting off of birth control sooner rather than later, and that I will get more info on what I'm only speculating about now.
> 
> I think I'll look into those books. At the moment, I just don't have the heart to force the conversation onto her when she's getting upset by it.


Don't force it, when you find the right way to discuss the topic with her she will respond without shutting down. Every person responds differently. Approach the subject calmly and rationally, let her know how important this really is without cracking. Like I said before if she really loves you then she will talk no matter how hard it is for her. She could be shutting down or getting defensive because she is embarrassed about the situation and knows how much it is hurting you. Her drive may also increase slightly if she gets off the BC, but don't hope for any miracles. I'm going to ask the question and I apologize if it was already asked. Have you approached the subject of MC with her? She needs to feel safe, she is going to need to be able to let her guard down and sometimes at the house is not always the best place for intimate conversations. The challenge there is that you need to find a place that is.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

Well, I've talked to her about her lack of sexual interest. I skimmed the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" some beforehand. I was a little more assertive and didn't take "I don't know" as an answer.

It has had some success, I think. She has promised me she won't use the vibrator for a few months, and I trust that she'll do that. I was also got more of an answer about why she doesn't want orgasms anymore. She said that it feels like something someone shouldn't do - that it feels like an invasion of privacy almost.

She also agreed to try it out again sometime this week. I'm hoping that she enjoys it and gets less and less uncomfortable.

Does this sound like a good plan of action to anyone else?


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Aggie said:


> Well, I've talked to her about her lack of sexual interest. I skimmed the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" some beforehand. I was a little more assertive and didn't take "I don't know" as an answer.
> 
> It has had some success, I think. She has promised me she won't use the vibrator for a few months, and I trust that she'll do that. I was also got more of an answer about why she doesn't want orgasms anymore. * She said that it feels like something someone shouldn't do - that it feels like an invasion of privacy almost.*


If thats true, and not just something she said to shut you up, then she has some real issues about sex which need to be dealt with by a sex therapist. It's not a normal or common way to feel. 

I agree with Elly, any sexual abuse in her past? Maybe she has some fantasies she's ashamed of. Maybe she's gay. At any rate, this doesn't sound like something you can solve on your own.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Since I am a vibrator fan, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say...she is having better orgasms with her vibrator than with you so you don't DO IT for her anymore.

I'm serious. 

I cannot have an orgasm during intercourse--just built the wrong way--I can only have one through oral or a vibrator. So, my vibrator is my BFF, sounds like it's hers too.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Okay, read more of the post.

All of a sudden, sex is evil or something she shouldn't experience, etc.? And this came out of nowhere.

Something stinks here to me.

Too convenient that is just CAME UP after her libido went down.


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## Lifeisnotsogood2 (Sep 1, 2012)

I think you just don't give your wife the intense "O" she gets from her vibrator. How about if she lets you use it on her while you go down on her. Is she up for that?


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

Lifeisnotsogood2 said:


> I think you just don't give your wife the intense "O" she gets from her vibrator. How about if she lets you use it on her while you go down on her. Is she up for that?


She's told me that I give her much better orgasms than the vibrator, but the vibrator is just more convenient. I can't say for certain if she's telling the truth or not. She may not even know if it is the truth herself. She's not very introspective or in touch with her emotions.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

Elly73 said:


> Hi Aggie,
> 
> I am not sure I agree with it being the pill, the vibrator, an affair or what not. I wonder if it is an emotional issue - that for some reason she has shut you out. Was she ever abused sexually? I doubt this as I am sure it would have come up. But to me, a few of your comments make me wonder if there has been some sort of emotional trigger that has caused her to shut down in the physical intimacy department. (Even if she can't achieve climax when making love with her H, one could argue she would would still enjoy being close, enjoy watching you get pleasure and enjoy the intimacy that sex brings between two people).
> 
> ...


I think you might be spot on. It makes the most sense out of everything I've seen, and what she has told me thus far.

The closest thing to sexual abuse she ever had was when one of her BF's in high school put her hand on his lap.. I don't think it is that because for the first few years of us being together, she never acted like this at all. Actually, out of the two of us, she was the more sexually adventurous one.

I never found out what happened to make her feel like this. I don't think it was just a all-of-the-sudden development, it was gradual. I just pray to God that it isn't something that I did..


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

Lyris said:


> If thats true, and not just something she said to shut you up, then she has some real issues about sex which need to be dealt with by a sex therapist. It's not a normal or common way to feel.
> 
> I agree with Elly, any sexual abuse in her past? Maybe she has some fantasies she's ashamed of. Maybe she's gay. At any rate, this doesn't sound like something you can solve on your own.


I agree - it doesn't sound normal to me. I just have absolutely no idea how I'm going to get her to go to a sex therapist. I don't even think there is one anywhere close to where I live. That's not even to mention how much something like that will cost.

I've thought about trying to have us go to marital counseling, though. I have mentioned it to her as something that I'll want us to do if this problem doesn't get fixed somehow.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

I'm going to start a new thread on this, since I think some of it has been solved.

Thanks everyone for their input - I sincerely appreciate it.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

Toffer said:


> I think it could be the birth control too coupled with the fact that she's using that vibrator too much if she's denying you sex or laying there like a dead fish!
> 
> Make a rule that the vibe (if used at all) is only to be used during sex WITH you!
> 
> Also, get her off the pills now and try a condom for a while to see if that is in fact the issue


Toffer is right. Don't just switch to a different pill, switch to condoms for a few months until she gets her libido back. She needs to quit the vibrator completely. Man up and hide it really well. Tell her you hid it and she can't have it back until she is much more interested in sex with you and maybe not even then. Be firm. Those things are so intense it desensitizes a woman and makes it hard to climax from regular sex. I've done it in the past and have learned that using a vibe isn't worth it because of this adverse consequence. She will regain her sensitivity within a month if she avoids any self-servicing of any kind.

Also tell her you won't even consider trying for a baby until your sex life is back on track and passionate and not one-sided. If not fixed in a couple months off the pill and off the vibe, go as a couple to a sex therapist.


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