# How long do you try to rebuild marriage before moving on?



## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Hey all, me here again.

I am struggling with another aspect of my marriage right now-aside from my EA (view my threads for more story if you haven't already) I received so much encouragement about how to move past the affair, and how to conduct myself when I return to work and see the OM, and it has been helpful, but there are so many layers to my story. It is like peeling away one layer at a time to find my way out of the muddle.

That aside though-ever since my affair intensified and came out 2 months ago (I told my HB) I feel I have emotionally checked out from my marriage completely. My HB is doing ALL the right things to try and fix our broken marriage-trying to be the HB I have needed all these years,to make up for the bad ways he treated me, but I just feel my love is gone-like I am empty. In the 9 years we have been together-most of that has been very unhealthy, he WAS very emotionally abusive, and treated me very poorly.He did change some of his abusive ways, but still mistreated me in many other ways, and it continued no matter what I did to change it. This resulted in my eventually giving up and checking out-then along comes the OM, lighting the fire that has been out for many years, and it made me really see that I was not in my MG anymore-especially since I became attached to another man.This was not ME..I value trust and faithfulness in a marriage...something is very wrong here!!
For all of the time we have been together I was the one who desperately tried to "fix" everything, read books on improving marriage, tried to set up weekly meetings so we could connect,tried to talk some more, tried various Councillors-and he just wouldn't change...He could not see what he was doing to me and my soul. That he was driving me away, and I would fall a little more out of love with him everyday. Now I don't feel much of anything for him, I don't feel like being close, touching, being intimate NOTHING. I haven't been able to say I love you in ages-he says it to me and I can't say it back because I don't feel it anymore. That 'feeling' that always kept me going, and kept me wanting to try is gone. This is not b/c of my affair-we have always had problems. Our MG was not built on solid ground, in fact we met only a month after I left my previous (very abusive) relationship of 7 yrs..I have a child from that relationship as well. Basically I have been in a relationship since the age of 15-and have never been alone more than that month in between meeting my HB. I am now 33, my HB and I have 2 daughters together, a house, 2 brand new shiny vehicles, he makes good money and is a good provider and a good Dad, and now because of what has happened, is motivated to work on himself, and become the 'Man of my dreams',but I feel too much has transpired and I feel all used up, empty-like I have nothing to draw from.He is trying so hard, and I can't return the gestures or loving words or adoring gazes because I am so detached from him. He is very attracted to me, and I know he loves me and wants to stay together, i am the one who is in doubt that we can make it after all that has happened. He has been away for the last 4 nights, and i hit me that I really didn't miss him, and liked having the space from him. When he is home now he just smothers me in attention-it is too much sometimes. I don't know what to do. Any advice?


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

flower u r having a relapse, hang in there and don't do anything stupid tomorrow u will regret. I too feel the exact way u feel. I don't know either what I am going to do. We r in the same boat exactly only I've been with mine 22yrs try that one. good luck tomorrow and remember no contact it will pass, I believe in u. stay strong.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

I hadn't even given any thought to that issue. But you are where most WSs are at the stage you are in. Don't worry. Your love can be rekindled. There are things you can do. Have you read Surviving an Affair? It is by Harley. One of the things he teaches (and so do many others) is that the affair must end before you can rebuild. Most of the people who have longer marriages and have fallen out of love are taught how to find it again. I am reading it now, but I am a long way from putting to use. The Harleys and Mort Fertel have been described as miracle workers. The can find the right button to push. You can hire any of them. I know the Harleys have a weekend getaway and it is quite successful. Your H needs to read it so that he knows how to give you space with love. I would generally not recommend it to a WS because they just wouldn't care about recovery. However, you do. Go to marriagebuilders.com where there are excerpts. The books they have, including His Needs, Her Needs are inexpensive; under $20. But invaluable. Blueyes, have you read it?


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Blue : I hope that is all it is...although; I have been feeling this way for a long time..even BEFORE my affair began. The affair has been a catalyst to make us see how knee deep in **** we were in. Now he FINALLY GETS IT!! Now my heart is not in it.

IAM:

Thanks for the advice.
I actually have been on the MB site LOTS, and have the Harley book on hold at the library and plan to read it and then give it to HB to read as well.

I am just struggling...we have not ever had a healthy MG, so I don't have anything to 'go back to' it is like we have to reinvent a whole new one so to speak, and I just don't know if I have it in me anymore

How does one know when it is to late? I have read lots online, and the general message is 'you just know'. Well, I have an inkling that it may be...but I will keep trying. I thought we could set a timeline together and decide we will try X Y Z for X amount of time and reassess progress, if any ,we have made, then decide where to go from there. I know I am not OVER the affair or the OM, and seeing him tomorrow is going to be good and bad.This may be contributing a wee bit to my feeling this way, but there is A LOT more to it for me. I am trying to get over it though, and don't want to get caught up in that again. Everything feels like such a mess right now.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Just like the affair having a "script" the healing proces has a "script". If you follow the script you have an excellent chance of falling in love. Psychology is a soft science , but a science nonetheless. Your husband will make deposits in the love bank and your love for him will grow. If he "love busts" he will make withdrawals. NOTHING happens until you have finished the affair and complete your "withdrawal" from your addiction. 
It is clear that you want to save your marriage. Once the affair is over you will begin to walk down the road of recovery. "They" say that marriages that get through this rough spot are the strongest.
Do not accept going back to the way things were. That would not merit the effort. You are going to make the best effort and work on your marriage to make it better than it ever was. Promise?


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> Just like the affair having a "script" the healing proces has a "script". If you follow the script you have an excellent chance of falling in love. Psychology is a soft science , but a science nonetheless. Your husband will make deposits in the love bank and your love for him will grow. If he "love busts" he will make withdrawals. NOTHING happens until you have finished the affair and complete your "withdrawal" from your addiction.
> It is clear that you want to save your marriage. Once the affair is over you will begin to walk down the road of recovery. "They" say that marriages that get through this rough spot are the strongest.
> Do not accept going back to the way things were. That would not merit the effort. You are going to make the best effort and work on your marriage to make it better than it ever was. Promise?


Does the book explain the "love bank" I have seen referred to a lot on this site? My love bank was below empty, the bank itself was shut down-so we have a long way to go!! But yes, I have decided that I won't give up easily...I will exhaust all avenues to rebuild this, and if in 6 months (a time frame I have set for after Xmas time) things for me haven't changed, and I am not feeling any different towards him-then we may have to explore divorce.
It sucks I may have to quit my job though, IF I can't deal with working with the OM, and I will know pretty quickly how I am going to be affected by being around him again. I dunno, sometimes-the OM aside- I just feel I want to be FREE, by myself for awhile. As I said, I have never been single-sometimes I just feel suffocated in my life.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Yes, it explains the love bank. Your husband will need to read it. He should study it. He has to rekindle your love. As strange as it sounds he can rebuild your love by working on himself. If he is a good student he will not try to change you. You will find love as he learns and makes deposits in the love bank. I have given 7 couples copies of this book over the past month. All have found it helpful. Two couples say it changed their lives. My wife is still in her affair, but I have found that the book has helped me almost as much as this site. The small changes I have introduced to our relationship have been positively received. There is not much I can do while the affair is ongoing but do a Plan A. and be ready when the affair ends. (You will read about that.) The sooner your husband gets these books the sooner he can start learning.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I know you have received a lot of helpful advice, but I don't know if anyone suggested you attend counseling for yourself. There is a pattern that you seem destined to repeat if you don't figure out what it is about yourself that makes you keep repeating it. One is the first relationship you said was abusive. Next was this marriage you said was abusive. Why do you keep doing this? There is something wrong (not meant to offend) with a person who not only subjects herself but also tolerates abuse. And now recently you tried very hard to do this to yourself again with the OM. No way to know if he would be abusive, but this is really the same kind of pattern being that he also is married. 

Ordinarily, this type of tolerance and getting yourself into these situations is a matter of lacking self esteem. Surely you can understand a woman who possesses for herself a sense of worth would not allow another person to mistreat her. The reason is she thinks too much of herself to be beaten mentally, physically, emotionally. She thinks more of herself than she thinks of her abuser. Ask any abused woman why she sits there and takes being abused, and her answer invariably is "because I love him." For them to say that means they love "him" more than they love themselves. They give additional answers which really are just excuses, like "for the children" "he won't let me leave" and so on, but love is the number one reason. I bet it was your reason also. With all three of them, you tied your sense of worth into these men. What they thought of you is who you were, as opposed to knowing your worth independent of their opinion. 

To me - just my dime store psychology - your case is also a matter of needing/wanting attention. Anyone who gives you attention becomes recipient of your love. Why is this? You are 33 years old, not 13 or even 23. You know full well a married man is not only off limits but is also insincere and means you no good. So why did you fall in love with him? Because there is something about you - perhaps from your childhood IDK - that makes you need and want attention. It is so much so that you are unable to decipher the difference between right and wrong or the difference between positive attention and negative attention. So long as you received attention is all that mattered, and that is the reason you tolerated being abused in relationships. It's as though you were invisible until they gave you attention to acknowledge your existence, and ultimately your worth.

I think you are being very fair to give your marriage 6 months, but I actually believe YOU need more time. Perhaps a year of counseling would be sufficient.

Where the OM is concerned, dig deep and find where your feelings came from - simply that he gave you attention at a time you needed it badly. That is all. Recognize it for what it is, and you will see how superficial it is. It's not real. He served a purpose. He satisfied a need for a time, your need for attention. Again, he confirmed your existence and made you feel worthwhile. But you don't need that anymore and with counseling to understand and figure yourself out, you won't need that ever again.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

IAM, No I haven't read any of those books, I guess I had better. Susan2010, u have alot of excellent points I am going through the same thing as flower and it has everything to do with self asteem. Flower, U have no idea how much we alike its scarey, I just don't work with him but is delt with through work. I was thinking u had a better handle on this then me, u do, u have to be strong I can't tell u that enough, ignore him it will be tough, the hardest thing you have had to do, but do . I'm hoping we can give each other strength through this forum. I have new news, my OM wife has got cancer now that she is battling has already lost her hair, he wishes he had left last fall when all this started but was trying to do the right thing.I am still confused, hurting everyone my husband knows I don't want to be here,but I can't leave because of guilt and afraid of hurting him even more. I made the mistake of dropping by, I shouldn't of done that now I am right back where I started. STUPID<STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. I have gained weigh and a bit depressed too over everything, So please learn from my mistakes and stay away. good luck and god bless. 
,


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Flower it will take alot longer then6 months to get through this I'm thinking. Look t my case it has been almost a year and I'm still screwed. I have decided not to see him anymore again. I have to be strong and determined this time if I will ever get my life back on track


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> Yes, it explains the love bank. Your husband will need to read it. He should study it. He has to rekindle your love. As strange as it sounds he can rebuild your love by working on himself. If he is a good student he will not try to change you. You will find love as he learns and makes deposits in the love bank. I have given 7 couples copies of this book over the past month. All have found it helpful. Two couples say it changed their lives. My wife is still in her affair, but I have found that the book has helped me almost as much as this site. The small changes I have introduced to our relationship have been positively received. There is not much I can do while the affair is ongoing but do a Plan A. and be ready when the affair ends. (You will read about that.) The sooner your husband gets these books the sooner he can start learning.


How are you staying in the MG if she is still actively in the affair? My HB would have booted me out the door by now if I was still in it!!you are one strong willed man let me say. I hope it all works for you in the end..and thanks for the book recommendation. I have his needs her needs on hold-the other is after the affair? This is the Dr. Harley author right?


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Susan: Thank you for your input-and you are very right, I have some huge self image/esteem issues,and am working with a Councillor on my own dealing with childhood sexual abuse trauma-as I am certain it is at the root of all of my dysfunction. I appreciate your candid words-the Universe speaks in many different ways, and your words ring true!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

flowergirl77 said:


> the OM aside- I just feel I want to be FREE, by myself for awhile. As I said, I have never been single-sometimes I just feel suffocated in my life.


Aside from the infidelity, I can really relate, as I too wish I was free.

But I will ask you to consider what free would really look like. Money, time, self esteem, peer pressure, dating, ... I could go on. I just want you to realize that free may just mean you are alone for the rest of your life. Or it could mean you just choose ANOTHER abusive guy, go through the same thing, and then end up 60 years old and having wasted your entire life looking for that perfect mate. And never found him. Because what you needed to look for was within yourself. And you could have still been married and found it all along, without breaking up your family.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

[This is directed to those who have replied:]
It's mildly frustrating that so far every response here has not even considered the fact that this is about 90% Disloyal Dizziness justifying both the affair and the "zing" she's returning to tomorrow morning. Hello!? Anyone here remember that she's decided to go back to the working "one on one" with the OM and decided against a No Contact Letter? 

Now you tell me. Exactly WHAT do disloyal people do again? Oh yeah that's right. Rewrite history to justify adultery and make statements like "I haven't loved you for years" "I don't love you like a wife should" "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you"!!!! Remember the Evil Twin? 


[This is directed to flowergirl:]
blueyes hit the nail ON THE HEAD when she wrote:


> flower u r having a relapse, hang in there and don't do anything stupid tomorrow u will regret.


 You are relapsing and badly. I fear for your marriage and will be praying for you all day. It is IMPERATIVE that you remember you made a commitment to your husband the day of your wedding and voluntarily offered to him a promise to forsake all others. Your contract was to stay with him for better and for worse, and he has shown you true commitment just in staying through the most painful thing one human can do to another. 

Flower, I do understand hesitating to let go and risk feeling love for him again--especially when he's hurt you so much before. I also understand being afraid that it won't change and it will "go back to how it was before." But most of what you wrote is the fog the Evil Twin told you to justify why a person like you, who honors honesty and faithfulness, would choose to behave BOTH dishonestly and unfaithfully! Do not listen to the Evil Twin!! 

Now can you see why we are such fanatics about having *No Contact with the Other Person EVER AGAIN*? Look at how you've struggled and backslid just this week!!! You, personally, and your marriage, and your husband were all making good progress just seven days ago--heading toward a mature, happy, loving, MORAL relationship and now, tonight, you're right back to disloyal thinking. 

Tomorrow I'll go through your thoughts, line by line, and point out to you the Evil Twin Talk and the real truth. Okay? I most vigorously and strongly request that you don't go back to that job! Please for yourself, your husband and your marriage, write a letter of resignation instead.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Flower, I did "boot" my wife out as soon as I found out. However, I followed the usual path of the Betrayed Spouse, Quickly changing my mind and begging and pleading for her return, accepting as true the Dialoyal Dizziness she spoke. I battled the pain. 
I found this site about 2 weeks sfter I found out about the A. The advise changed the way I acted and gradually helped me think clearer about the affair, its cause and my chances for reunification. You haven't told your husband about your lack of feeling, have you? Just that is unique. You have saved him further pain and once you are clear of the affair, if you and you husband folow the plan the Harleys propose you should find the love you have for your husbad which is being masked by you addiction thrill.
The other book is "Surviving the Affair." Both you and your husband needs to read both of these.


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## jar (May 30, 2010)

Flower

I am thinking of you

Takecare
JAR


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

thinking of you as well Flower,
This kind of situation takes a while to work through, so many issues going on at the same time for the two of you....
Each partner has their own issues and need to be honest about it.....read all the books together and take it hour by hour, day by day and see how it all goes from there.....
Make things better with the communication part and be thoughtful of his needs ......good luck


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Hi everyone,

It amazes me how I can feel so supported by a group of people I don't even know! THANK YOU to all of you for taking the time to type me your thoughts.

Affaircare-you are right-I am having a relapse and am not sure what has brought it on. Maybe the thought of returning to work? I work 5pm-11pm so I still have some time to gather myself. 

I will get the books IAM, I am going to the bookstore today to get them. I am not giving up! Even though I feel like we should.
My HB is very aware of my lack of feeling, we are really struggling with this- I felt this way even before the affair though-I was questioning if I truly loved him for along while before the OM came into the picture. But that sure did add complications!! 

I am going to work tonight-BUT through all of this I have come to one conclusion: If my HB and I were to separate (we discussed this this morning actually) I WOULD NOT go running to the OM, b/c I know how unhealthy, immoral, and bad that would be for me. So I plan to stick it out at work until I find an alternative. I have been considering my options....I will let you all know how it goes. Wish me lots of luck being strong and MEAN haha. I will not get sucked into it again.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Flower, 

1) Write the No Contact Letter and let your husband send it.

2) Talk to the supervisor who IS at work now and ask if there are alternatives like changing a shift, moving your desk, being transfered in the same company to a new location, etc. There sometimes are alternatives like that which would work, but you need to ask.

I'm still praying for you like mad because...well because.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

We are pro marriage. So you will have abiased opinion here. Unless ther is some psych, substance abuse or physical abuse issue. Don't make any decisions with out talking to you "independant" friends here.
Your feelings before the affair are typical. That is why you were vulnerable to OM. Read.


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