# Holding Grudges...Not Good



## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

I am going through a divorce and a lot of the problems had to do with my wife always over-reacting, me disagreeing and then her holding a grudge against me for disagreeing. 
As a resut she wouldn't talk to me for a couple of days at a time and she slips into this depression or something with a wall made of kryptonite. Any way my point is in a certain way she needs to understand in life we disagree and we move on and not hold a grudge. I feel bad this came to this and when she got this way I would be nice to her tell her hey its not a big deal let it go lets not turn this into something it isnt.....well she wouldnt let itgo she shut me out completely told me to get away from her and then eventually I get upset because she would hold a grudge in the first place and not agree to disagre. She has always been a contolling peron by nature.
Not sure what I could have done differently..any thoughts?:scratchhead:


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## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

Let me be more specific sorry. We are seperated at this time. The divorce has not begun.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Sounds like you have some regret over the end of your marriage. You mentioned that is was your wife who was unyielding and you were the conciliotor. But there is a hint that you may both have been an immovable forces. I am not jumping all over you but just observing the way you wrote about your problem. You wife over reacted, you disagreed as is you right, she became depressed and withdrew and you tried to get her to see that disagreeing is natural. I agree with you there but what exactly was she over-reacting to. What ever it was, it was importantant to her but not such a big deal for you. No matter the actual issues were, if it is important to one person so much so that they became depressed then it is a serious issue for both and needs to be adressed as such. I say this because I would hate to see your marriage end and you can not take away good lessons for your next relationship. 

It may be difficult to think of it now but could some of her concerns have been ligitimate and could you have acknowledged that they were and not just get her to see that conflict should be forgotten. Was there any way that you could have taken the leadership in compromising and showing her how to do the same. These things are good to think about, a relationship is dynamic, what one person does profoundly affects the thoughts and actions of another. How are you going to avoid backing yourself into a corner in your next relationship?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

Hi Catherine, First regarding the over-reacting we always keep a few loaves of bread in the refrigerator it moves fast. Well, my daughter (this is my second wife) says to me can I put out a loaf in the cubbard I like my bread warm vs cold. I said sure it moves fast anyway and wont get all moldy. When my wife came home she noticed and said why is there a loaf of bread in the cubbard. I nicely told her what I just typed. She says bullshi* she is just doing this for attention, she can eat it cold dont coddle to her. I told her I am not coddling her in my opinion she just prefers warm bread with her sandwiches and its not a big it wont go bad. 

Well, this became a situation where she did not agree and would not talk to me as a result. This is just one example and only a few weeks ago. I deal with this all the time.


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## Izabella (Dec 22, 2010)

Harvard said:


> Hi Catherine, First regarding the over-reacting we always keep a few loaves of bread in the refrigerator it moves fast. Well, my daughter (this is my second wife) says to me can I put out a loaf in the cubbard I like my bread warm vs cold. I said sure it moves fast anyway and wont get all moldy. When my wife came home she noticed and said why is there a loaf of bread in the cubbard. I nicely told her what I just typed. She says bullshi* she is just doing this for attention, she can eat it cold dont coddle to her. I told her I am not coddling her in my opinion she just prefers warm bread with her sandwiches and its not a big it wont go bad.
> 
> Well, this became a situation where she did not agree and would not talk to me as a result. This is just one example and only a few weeks ago. I deal with this all the time.


i dont like my bread in the fridge either.it seems stale when i make a sandwhich.if your gonna toast it then its ok.does your wife use the bread to make sandwhiches that are not toasted?

i feel for you.the only problem in my marriage is my husband gets mad easily,can hold a grudge and can give me the silent treatment.he is not good at communication,conflicts at all.
i hope you get some good advice cause it may help me to.

i wish you the best


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

My husband could write the book on how to hold a grudge. I've never in my life seen someone who could hold onto something like he can.

What's the point of this in anyone's life? You alienate people, make them miserable, yourself miserable and miss living your life because you're too busy holding grudges and figuring out how to "pay these people back."

And talk about a wall of kryptonite - my hubby has double layers.

He has what we call a one-mistake Air Force personality (we're both retired military). If you make one-mistake, regardless of what it is, he will hold it over you until you die. Spent 20 years not talking to his dad over an issue, just reconnected recently.

I think age has a lot to do with it too. He told me that he's a lot more open to things than when he was younger. He gave the example of his ex-wife. She cheated on him, he left her and divorced her, told me it was a deal breaker.

But recently admitted that his viewpoints had changed and if it happened now, he might make a different choice.

Holding grudges is childish and stupid in my opinion and borders on passive-aggressive behavior.

JMHO


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

I don't hold grudges. It's a waste of energy. Plus, I'm not the kind to wait things out or be mad at my husband for days and days and not talk. He's the same. BUT, we both knew this when we married. I made it clear that I talk things through when we disagree or when I sense something isn't right. I'll bring it up and I expect it to be resolved or talked about (get an opinion) before going to bed.

Harvard, in your case...you might want to draw the line somewhere. Tell her you need to clear things up. Tell her how you feel but not in a mean or angry way. If she still ignores you then be glad you two are divorcing.


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

Understand the agree to disagree idea...but we all want to be understood irregardless. What I mean is if you disagree you can still come across to showing empathy and understanding that as an individual you care how she "feels". This is how we feel valued. The grudges you are seeing is someone that is deeply hurt and not feeling validated. She needs to know you can see her point of view even if you don't agree. 

"Right Fighters" end up fighting alone! If you always have to have your opinion of how you feel about what she says then you are only concerned with "how you feel". It is selfishness in disguise.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

And completely disrespectful.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

well two years later, i hope u are doing well and i hope tread isn't moldy j/k


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