# 40 lessons (finding strength)



## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

This list gave me some things to think about. I picked out two off the list that hit a nerve with me. If you want to join in, review the list, pick one or two, and comment about them.

40-lessons-for-finding-strength-in-hard-times




> 1. *You are not what happened to you in the past*. – No matter how chaotic the past has been, the future is a clean, fresh, wide open slate. You are not your past habits. You are not your past failures. You are not how others have at one time treated you. You are only who you think you are right now in this moment. You are only what you do right now in this moment.


I forgot who I was because of my marriage. My alcoholism kept me from spiritual growth and did not allow me to be the person I was meant to be. I will be working on growth in my spiritual, emotional and mental needs




> 37. *You always have a choice.* – No matter what, there are always at least two options. If you can’t physically change something, you can change the way you think about it. You can sit in the dark, or you can find your inner light and discover powerful pieces of yourself you never knew existed. You can view a crisis as an invitation to learn something new, viewing the shake-up in your outer world as an enlightening opportunity to wake-up your inner world.


Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks for sharing this-I'll have to spend some time reading tonight.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

30. You are better off without some people you thought you needed. – The sad truth is, there are some people who will only be there for you as long as you have something they need. When you no longer serve a purpose to them, they will leave. The good news is, if you tough it out, you’ll eventually weed these people out of your life and be left with some great friends you can always count on.



This one resonates with me.


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

The two that I think help describe where I'm at now:

13. Giving up and moving on are two very different things. – There comes a point when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it’s not giving up, and it’s not the end. It’s a new beginning. It’s realizing, finally, that you don’t need certain people and things and the drama they bring.

Once I detached from Raider, I was amazed on the sense of relief I had. I stopped walking on egg shells. 

and finally: 

40. The end is a new beginning. – Say to yourself: “Dear Past, thank you for all the life lessons you have taught me. Dear Future, I am ready now!” Because a great beginning always occurs at the point you thought would be the end of everything.

This is so true! Hence my screen name Phoenix. I'm stronger than I thought I was.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Thank you so much for sharing!


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

I read it and every lesson has something great to teach us, some of us have learned it the hard way, others may need to focus and work on it. Can you imagine us accepting all or most of them? We would be really happy


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Great post!


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> 2. *Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t*. – You are who you are and you have what you have, right now. And it can’t be that bad, because otherwise you wouldn’t be able to read this. The important thing is simply to find one POSITIVE thought that inspires and helps you move forward. Hold on to it strongly, and focus on it. You may feel like you don’t have much, or anything at all, but you have your mind to inspire you. And that’s really all you need to start moving forward again.


My kids, particularly my 11y/o, still love me.



> 7. *You have the capacity to create your own happiness.* – Feelings change, people change, and time keeps rolling. You can hold onto past mistakes or you can create your own happiness. A smile is a choice, not a miracle. Don’t make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy. True happiness comes from within.


Feelings only change if you want them to change, allow them to change, or are forced to change them. I did not want the feelings to change, but now that the hand has been dealt, I will play the cards I have and hope for a winning hand.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Movealong

This is a great thread you started! *Getting stronger is probably the one most important thing that you can do when you are hit with serious relationship problems. *I have read thread after thread where the hurt person concentrates almost entirely on the other person whom they can not control. It is a HUGE waste of time to try and change the other person when the only person that you can change is you. *If you get stronger then you will be ok no matter which way the relationship goes*. No one person can completely ruin another person’s life unless that person will not help themselves and refuses to get stronger.

40 Lessons for Finding Strength in Hard Times






> 16	*You must love yourself too*. – One of the most painful things in life is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. When was the last time someone told you that they loved you just the way you are, and that what you think and how you feel matters? When was the last time someone told you that you did a good job, or took you someplace, simply because they know you feel happy when you’re there? When was the last time that ‘someone’ was YOU?




Going through separation and Divorce is always going to weaken you. Making the decision to do the right things and build you up is vital!! *Use your free will and emotions to motivate you to improve yourself in any way that you can*. Do NOT waste time with revenge and being obsessed with the person that hurt you as that will do you no good. In my case I did lots of things such as go back to college, get closer to my family, strengthened my spiritual life, lost weight, exercised, etc. I was still hurt but I was much stronger and did not compromise my intigrity and respect anymore. *I loved my self more and became more self reliant. That is absolutely essential!!!*



The one below is also so very important!!!



> 18	Resentment hurts you, not them. – Always forgive people and move on, even if they never ask for your forgiveness. Don’t do it for them – do it for you. Grudges are a waste of happiness. Get that unnecessary stress out of your life right now.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

I am definitely working on me. I will not be drowned in the sorrow I feel for this loss. My STBXW chose not to give 100%. To be fair, I didn't give 100% when I was drinking. There is a lot of blame to go around, but when it comes right down to it, I have always been committed to my wife, she was dedicated. 

"A pig and a chicken decide to open a restaurant together. They will call the restaurant "Bacon and Eggs". The chicken is dedicated, but the pig is committed."


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> 22. *It’s better to be hurt by the truth, than comforted by a lie.* – You must see things how they are instead of how you hoped, wished, or expected them to be. It’s always better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie.


Until April 26th, I had been comforted by a lie. The lie to myself that things would change and our love would rekindle. I wanted to believe that lie so that I did not lose my family. But the morning of April 26th I was slapped by the truth, and the truth has awakened me. I know where I am, I know who I am, and I know not only what I don't want, but what I do want.

I am becoming mentally, physically, and spiritually healthy. 
I will overcome this hurt and anger and begin moving forward the day the divorce is final.
I will allow myself to love again when the time is right, and I will ask everyday for my Higher Power to give me the guidance to know when that is right.
I am a great father. My kids will always know my love.
I am successful, and I will continue to be successful and I will prosper even more.
Today I am thankful to be alive.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Good luck on your journey.

I think your approach will inspire others to be optimistic about their futures.

Stretch


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> I am becoming mentally, physically, and spiritually healthy.
> I will overcome this hurt and anger and begin moving forward the day the divorce is final.
> I will allow myself to love again when the time is right, and I will ask everyday for my Higher Power to give me the guidance to know when that is right.
> I am a great father. My kids will always know my love.
> ...


*The above reflects the beginning of a winner!*


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> 24. *Not getting what you want can be a blessing.* – Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of good luck, because it forces you reevaluate things, opening new doors to opportunities and information you would have otherwise overlooked.


I think this is true. I got what I needed from the divorce, but not what I wanted. I am ready for all of the positive things that will start coming now that the negativity of the marriage is ending.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Much needed this today!! Thank You!! I'm going to print some of these and keep it by my bedside for those hard mornings!


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> 3. *Struggling with problems is a natural part of growing.* – Part of living and growing up is experiencing unexpected troubles in life. People lose jobs, get sick, and sometimes die in car accidents. When you are younger, and things are going pretty well, this harsh reality can be hard to visualize. The smartest, and oftentimes hardest, thing we can do in these kinds of situations is to be tempered in our reactions. To want to scream obscenities, but to wiser and more disciplined than that. To remember that emotional rage only makes matters worse. And to remember that tragedies are rarely as bad as they seem, and even when they are, they give us an opportunity to grow stronger.


I am, and will continue, to grow stronger.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> 12. *Things change, but the sun always rises the next day.* – The bad news: nothing is permanent. The good news: nothing is permanent.


Re-learning this lesson everyday. Today is the only day I have. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not promised. 

I am going to do better at living in the moment.
I am not going to live in the wreckage of the past.
I am not going to deny myself future happiness.
I will move along and be better for the lessons of today.

My Higher Power wants me to be happy, and I am turning it over to him.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Preeminently, No. 22: "It is better to slapped with the truth rather than to be kissed by a lie."

This flat rang so true for me, making me revisit that fateful morning when my rich, skanky, XW called me into the study to ask/inform me of a "trial separation."

Thinking she was having one of her minor depressive moments, I agreed and acquiesced to her request.

Little did I realize that until quite a while later, that she had already been running the highways, for better than a year prior to that shagging BF's from her distant past that she had seen fit to reconnect with on FB.
It would have been far better for her to slap me in the face with the absolute truth, than to "sugar-coat" things to give me any deceptive infatuations or hope of getting back together! And honestly in retrospect, it would have, no doubt, helped me heal much quicker and move onward with my life!

Which gives rise to the sad fact that this morally warped woman would much rather lie to someone, when telling them the absolute truth would have sounded far better!

Thank you so very much for supplying this noteworthy list, Movealong!*


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

40. *The end is a new beginning.* – Say to yourself: “Dear Past, thank you for all the life lessons you have taught me. Dear Future, I am ready now!” Because a great beginning always occurs at the point you thought would be the end of everything.

This is me today. She is moving out this morning and we are each starting a new chapter in our lives. I am grateful for the good times and thankful for the hard times. I learned how deeply I can love, how intensely I can feel hurt, and what I can do to better myself.

I am ready for the future. I am ready for the peace and serenity, prosperity, love and romance, and happiness that God and the Universe has for me.

I wish for her to find how to be happy with herself, and to get healthy mentally and physically.

I pray that our children will be okay and that they may learn from our mistakes.

I've come to appreciate that all prayers are answered, it's that some of them are not answered the way we want...though it is what we need.

God bless you all today and may you find the peace and love in your life that I pray to have in mine.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Oh Movealong, I admire the strength in your words. I'm sure this day is going to be anything but easy for you. You have been such a strong supporter on my threads, I wish that I could be a shoulder for you to lean on today. 
From your words, you seem like you have a beautiful soul. You are kind, deep, and sincere. I wish you the best on the beginning of your new journey! I wish you healing, happiness, love and peace!


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

As of 45 minutes ago, I am officially on my own. A single father again, and I am good with that. 

Thank you for the kind words, fire. I find my inner strength through my Higher Power. I know there is better waiting for me down the road, and I trust that He will guide me.

I am at peace with this. It is what was needed, and I feel confident that He will watch over me.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

7. *You have the capacity to create your own happiness.* – Feelings change, people change, and time keeps rolling. You can hold onto past mistakes or you can create your own happiness. A smile is a choice, not a miracle. Don’t make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy. True happiness comes from within.

8. *Emotionally separate yourself from your problems.* – You are far greater than your problems. You are a living, breathing human being who is infinitely more complex than all of your individual problems added up together. And that means you’re more powerful than them – you have the ability to change them, and to change the way you feel about them.

These two stuck out to me this morning. After meeting my wife, I thought she "would make me happy". I forgot that I was happy before I met her and invested my happiness in her. That is a mistake I will defend against in the future. My happiness is MY responsibility.

My problems do not define me, but they shape me. I will use them to chisel away the negatives and accentuate the positives.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

32. *You can’t control everything that happens to you.* – But you can control how you react to things. Everyone’s life has positive and negative aspects — whether you’re happy or not depends greatly on which aspects you focus on. For instance: Did you catch a head cold? At least it’s only a temporary virus and nothing life-threatening. Did you lose a basketball game? Thankfully you got to spend the afternoon with friends doing something fun and healthy. Did your stock market savings go down? It’ll bounce back in the long-term. And besides, it’s great that you’ve been diligent and fortunate enough to save a nest egg of savings when many people are barely making ends meet. You get the idea.

I need to take this one to heart.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> 3. *Struggling with problems is a natural part of growing.* – Part of living and growing up is experiencing unexpected troubles in life. People lose jobs, get sick, and sometimes die in car accidents. When you are younger, and things are going pretty well, this harsh reality can be hard to visualize. The smartest, and oftentimes hardest, thing we can do in these kinds of situations is to be tempered in our reactions. To want to scream obscenities, but to wiser and more disciplined than that. To remember that emotional rage only makes matters worse. And to remember that tragedies are rarely as bad as they seem, and even when they are, they give us an opportunity to grow stronger.


Oh, but I am having a difficult time with this today. I want to scream and yell obscenities, but I won't. I have to keep moving forward and doing the necessary adult things to get the house ready for market and to make sure my daughter does not see dad 'losing it'. The emotional raging is really strong today and hard to overcome. There are so many things I want to say/yell/scream, but it would only make matters worse. 

I am bigger, and better, than doing that. Not by much....but I am.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> 21. *Consciously nurture your inner hope.* – A loss, a worry, an illness, a dream crushed – no matter how deep your hurt or how high your aspirations, do yourself a favor and pause at least once a day, place your hands over your heart and say aloud, “Hope lives here.”


Really working on this one. I "know" there is hope ahead, I just can't quite make it out yet. It's still a blurry, but getting clearer day by day.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

*24. Not getting what you want can be a blessing. – Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of good luck, because it forces you reevaluate things, opening new doors to opportunities and information you would have otherwise overlooked.*

I need to keep this in the forefront of my thoughts. 

As I look back at the last several years of my marriage, it was awful for both of us. Codependency in the beginning kept us together, in the end it tore us apart. Now I have an opportunity to know not only what I don;t want, but more importantly what I do want.

Since I am no longer drinking, I no longer need a codependent woman to complete my Karpman Triangle, lol!


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> 35. *You are not trapped; you just need to re-learn a few things.* – We all have doubts that make us feel trapped at times. If you doubt your ability to make a life-altering decision, to take on a new chapter in your life, or to fend for yourself after years of being overly-fostered, consider this: Surely if a bird with healthy wings is locked in a cage long enough, she will doubt her own ability to fly. You still have your wings, but your muscles are weak. Train them and stretch them slowly. Give yourself time. You’ll be flying again soon.


I am re-learning things I used to do without thought, and it is liberating. 

Ex: I paid all the bills for the first time in over a decade. It ay not seem like much, but after 10 years it was quite intimidating.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> 38. *Let others in when you’re in a dark place.* – No, they won’t always be able to pull you out of the dark place you’re in, but the light that spills in when they enter will at least show you which way the door is.


This one is so hard for many of us. How do we let others in when we are hurting so bad? Why not just pull the blanket over our head and stay under them until we "feel better"?

Crawling out from the dark place is hard. Your (my) relationship has gone from the Spring of first love, to the Summer of warm feelings, to the chill of Fall winds, and finally to the Winter of discontent and death of the relationship. I have to remember that the seasons change. And while I may not be walking into this new Spring with the person I committed to, it is still a new Spring with new opportunities.

I have always loved the transition from Winter to Spring. Coming out of the chill into the warmth is, well, poets say it best so I will leave it to them. But it is a reminder that the chill of the Winter of your relationship is almost done. More warm days are coming and the chill is beginning to fade. It is time to come out from the cocoon of the chilly Winter and into the Spring of your new life.

Oh, and don't forget to wear Sunscreen.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

40. The end is a new beginning. – Say to yourself: “Dear Past, thank you for all the life lessons you have taught me. Dear Future, I am ready now!” Because a great beginning always occurs at the point you thought would be the end of everything.

Acceptance and looking forward to the future which (hard to acknowledge) but already made me get out of a relation where I was the one pleasing and working on it the most.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> 27. *Worrying is literally a waste of energy.* – Worry will not drain tomorrow of its troubles, it will drain you of your strength today.


One day at a time. 
One foot in front of the other. 
Keep moving forward. 
Progress, not perfection.

I don't need to borrow trouble from tomorrow, I only have to deal with the issues of the day.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

*2. Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t. – You are who you are and you have what you have, right now. And it can’t be that bad, because otherwise you wouldn’t be able to read this. The important thing is simply to find one POSITIVE thought that inspires and helps you move forward. Hold on to it strongly, and focus on it. You may feel like you don’t have much, or anything at all, but you have your mind to inspire you. And that’s really all you need to start moving forward again.*

I need to work on this one. I know I am blessed with many important people around (close family, my son back at home, my daughter who even being far away calls me her best friend and we are getting together soon, few chosen really-close friends going through the same situation, my 2 dogs who make me stand up in the morning to exercise with them, health and safety, my faith in God everything will be ok, knowing not everything is eternal... )

Thankful for this new day!


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> 6. *You will fail sometimes.* – The faster you accept this, the faster you can get on with being brilliant. You’ll never be 100% sure it will work, but you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work. Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. So get out there and try! Either you succeed or you learn a vital lesson. Win – Win.


I am re-learning this lesson. I knew it as a younger man, but forgot it over the course of my marriage. Time to get to doing things for me again.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

*5. Life is fragile, sudden, and shorter than it often seems. – There may not be a tomorrow – not for everyone. Right now, someone on Earth is planning something for tomorrow without realizing they’re going to die today. This is sad but true. So spend your time wisely today and pause long enough to appreciate it. Every moment you get is a gift. Don’t waste time by dwelling on unhappy things. Spend it on things that move you in the direction you want to go.*

Instead of dwelling on each free moment I have (a lot) I am going to concentrate on positive things. Already made plans with dad to go and visit him (5 hours trip) with my nieces (12&10) and the dogs next weekend. Future, I know, but they will be with their mom this weekend; so it can be until the next one


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> 32. *You can’t control everything that happens to you.* – But you can control how you react to things. Everyone’s life has positive and negative aspects — whether you’re happy or not depends greatly on which aspects you focus on. For instance: Did you catch a head cold? At least it’s only a temporary virus and nothing life-threatening. Did you lose a basketball game? Thankfully you got to spend the afternoon with friends doing something fun and healthy. Did your stock market savings go down? It’ll bounce back in the long-term. And besides, it’s great that you’ve been diligent and fortunate enough to save a nest egg of savings when many people are barely making ends meet. You get the idea.


STBXW will be here this morning to take D3 to the ballet. I bought the tickets for she and I to "help bring us closer together". Now, it has helped bring my daughter and I closer together. I spent time with her doing things to get ready for the ballet. I can't control what happened with the divorce, but I am working on controlling my feelings since the divorce. With the help of my Higher Power and some good friends and family, I am doing good.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> 14. *Distance yourself from negative people.* – Every time you subtract negative from your life you make room for more positive. Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. Let go of negative people, for they are the greatest destroyers of self confidence and self esteem. Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you.


Yesterday I was so excited about my XW taking my daughter to the ballet. XW is horrible with directions so I drove them. When i picked them up I really wanted to hear about their experience. Unfortunately, XW was not talkative and reverted to her old stand by line for me when I ask about something; "I don't know what you want me to say."

How about telling me all about the ballet? I bought the fekking tickets for us because it was on your bucket list. I let you take D3 because I wanted her to experience it since we are no longer married. So, tell me about the fekking ballet!!

I am glad I don't have to have her around now. She is a happiness sucking vacuum for me. She can't be happy with herself, so how the fekk is she going to be happy around anyone else. I was glad to see her drive off.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

*You can’t control everything that happens to you. – But you can control how you react to things. *

Yep. The only contact I have with STBXH is regarding the kids, and is little, since they are already grown up. Has been mostly about the 13yr old kid we took at home (he pays for school and bus/I take care of school, reports, food etc.) Dont like when he doesnt answer or acknowledge my message; but well... that has been him in the past; so will not take it personal anymore.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> 21. *Consciously nurture your inner hope.* – A loss, a worry, an illness, a dream crushed – no matter how deep your hurt or how high your aspirations, do yourself a favor and pause at least once a day, place your hands over your heart and say aloud, “Hope lives here.”


I am doing this every day, and it is making things better. My daily prayers, positive affirmations, letting go and letting God, and reminding myself that I was happy before her, and I will be happy after her are helping me heal.

I am getting back to "me" day by day.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Movealong Thank you so much for posting that link. I printed it and read it every morning and night. I've also given it to other people that are having difficult times. The whole website is awesome. I'm in the process of getting some of the books it suggests reading as well. You have touched many lives in a good way with your thoughtful link. Thank you again!


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

You are quite welcome.  A few weeks ago when I was really down I started looking for ways to get out of my dark place, and that list was one of the things that came up. 

In a lot of ways posting that link and going back to it, daily or every other day has been as important as anything else I have done to work through the pain of my divorce. I _know_ I will be alright, but reading and posting from the list helps to remind me that I really will be better, not just alright.

I am pleased that it has helped others as it has helped me. Posting on of the items off the list and then writing about what it means to me _that day_ has been cathartic.

Enjoy your day!


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## tele (Jun 2, 2014)

This one is mine that I am working on now.

You must love yourself too. – One of the most painful things in life is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. When was the last time someone told you that they loved you just the way you are, and that what you think and how you feel matters? When was the last time someone told you that you did a good job, or took you someplace, simply because they know you feel happy when you’re there? When was the last time that ‘someone’ was YOU?


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

tele said:


> This one is mine that I am working on now.
> 
> You must love yourself too. – One of the most painful things in life is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. When was the last time someone told you that they loved you just the way you are, and that what you think and how you feel matters? When was the last time someone told you that you did a good job, or took you someplace, simply because they know you feel happy when you’re there? When was the last time that ‘someone’ was YOU?


Wow Tele! That's a good one, thank you for the reminder. I tend to think on what I did wrong and keep forgetting I have not have this for myself in a looooooong time that I already forgot how or when was it, perhaps more than 10 years. But on the other side I tended to tell H that I even loved the smell of his used socks and sweat shirts! LOL so I guess I went to far and forgot about me. Even though, I dont regret, I know I did my best beside some moments when I was angry or sad but didnt hurt him as he did. So feel "clean".

Thank you Movealong and Tele for sharing! I also read this thread everyday


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

That is a very hard one. But the truth is how can you love someone else or expect them to love you if you can't love yourself. Treat everyone in your life the way you would like to be treated. You won't always get that back but you can respect and love the person you see in the mirror every morning.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> 37. *You always have a choice.* – No matter what, there are always at least two options. If you can’t physically change something, you can change the way you think about it. You can sit in the dark, or you can find your inner light and discover powerful pieces of yourself you never knew existed. You can view a crisis as an invitation to learn something new, viewing the shake-up in your outer world as an enlightening opportunity to wake-up your inner world.


Ahh, choices. 

I choose today not to dwell in the past. I choose today to live in the day. The wreckage of my past no longer controls me, and the future is an untapped resource. But today, I will enjoy the view as I ride through and thank God that I have today.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> 11. *View every challenge as an educational assignment*. – Ask yourself: “What is this situation meant to teach me?” Every situation in our lives has a lesson to teach us. Some of these lessons include: To become stronger. To communicate more clearly. To trust your instincts. To express your love. To forgive. To know when to let go. To try something new.


Today is going to be a challenging day. I am taking my daughter to her mother's for a two week visit. This is the first of many to come. I am also going to be seeing the in laws to make an amend while I am there. And finally, I am taking the Final Divorce Agreement for her to sign.

I will learn and grow from this.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Good luck and have a great day Movealong!


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> 4. *It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.* – You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again. And a smile doesn’t always mean a person is happy. Sometimes it simply means they are strong enough to face their problems.


I shed some tears as I was making my amends on Friday. I couldn't stop them. But really, I didn't want to stop them. It was me acknowledging their hurt, and my hurt. At the end of the visit I got hugs and "come back soon" from everyone but STBXW. 

I planned it so I could make the amends before STBXW showed up, so she didn't get to see the tears. In a funny way, that makes me feel better and brings a smile to y face.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Though this is not from the list of 40 things, I found it very appropriate this morning.



> People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bull ****. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.
> 
> Jim Morrison - The Doors


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> 8. Emotionally separate yourself from your problems. – You are far greater than your problems. You are a living, breathing human being who is infinitely more complex than all of your individual problems added up together. And that means you’re more powerful than them – you have the ability to change them, and to change the way you feel about them.


Having a hard time doing this today. Going through all of the kids and our keepsakes really hit me hard.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

What about a break and go to the kitchen or another room just for until your daughter comes back?


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> 18. *Resentment hurts you, not them.* – Always forgive people and move on, even if they never ask for your forgiveness. Don’t do it for them – do it for you. Grudges are a waste of happiness. Get that unnecessary stress out of your life right now.


I had been VERY resentful over the last few days. From going through the keepsakes, to my daughter going to her mother's for two weeks, and then seeing my ex has a new facebook with her maiden name, I was in a very dark place. I spent the last couple of days basically doing a 4th step trying to figure out what my part in it may be. I finally realized what was bothering me about it.

It was my fear of abandonment and rejection that first reared it's ugly head during my parent's divorce when I was 6 years old.

Once I realized why I was feeling that way, and addressed it, I was able to let go of the resentments.

When it comes right down to it, I cleaned up my side of the street. I made my amends and did all I could to save my marriage.

My son gave a good analogy of the situation towards the end of my marriage:

A couple is walking across a foot bridge over a canyon. Though the canyon is not wide, it is deep. Suddenly one of the boards collapses, and as the couple drops through, they both grab onto one of the ropes that was holding the bridge together.

One of them is able to climb the rope up to the remaining part of the bridge and begins to try and pull the other up using the rope. But the other person, rather than helping climb back up to the bridge, pulls out a knife and starts cutting the rope. The harder one pulls, the faster the other cut the rope until the rope is severed.

One person is left standing on the bridge as the other drops into the canyon. 

What it comes down to is this: you can try to save your marriage, but if the other person is no longer invested, they will "cut the rope". The one trying to save it is left with the rope in their hands wondering what the heck happened that the other person would decided killing the marriage was a better way to go.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

What a great analogy Movealong! How old is your son?


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

The one that gave that analogy is 23.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> *Things change, but the sun always rises the next day.* – The bad news: nothing is permanent. The good news: nothing is permanent.


I am grateful today that my Higher Power has helped me through these dark times. I have, as most heartbroken people have, thought about a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Today I get to start a new day with a good attitude. I am grateful for what I have, even if I am disappointed by what I lost.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> 37. *You always have a choice.* – No matter what, there are always at least two options. If you can’t physically change something, you can change the way you think about it. You can sit in the dark, or you can find your inner light and discover powerful pieces of yourself you never knew existed. You can view a crisis as an invitation to learn something new, viewing the shake-up in your outer world as an enlightening opportunity to wake-up your inner world.


It's good to be reminded of this.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> 24. *Not getting what you want can be a blessing.* – Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of good luck, because it forces you reevaluate things, opening new doors to opportunities and information you would have otherwise overlooked.


I believe this is true so I am looking for the blessing(s).


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> 11. *View every challenge as an educational assignment.* – Ask yourself: “What is this situation meant to teach me?” Every situation in our lives has a lesson to teach us. Some of these lessons include: To become stronger. To communicate more clearly. To trust your instincts. To express your love. To forgive. To know when to let go. To try something new.


Today is going to be a challenge. STBX will be here most of the day to close the bank account and use the WiFi to do her court ordered parenting class. 

I pray that I am able to do the next right thing and be a gracious host to the mother of my child. I pray that my emotions will remain in check and that I can continue to not engage in negativity.

Control is an illusion. Let go, let God, let life happen.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Good luck today! Isnt it time for your daughter to come back or is it until next week?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Bluebirdie said:


> Good luck today! Isnt it time for your daughter to come back or is it until next week?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She brought her today. :smthumbup:


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

This is not from the list, but I think it is appropriate for this thread:



> “Certainly the most destructive vice if you like, that a person can have. More than pride, which is supposedly the number one of the cardinal sins - is self pity. Self pity is the worst possible emotion anyone can have. And the most destructive. It is, to slightly paraphrase what Wilde said about hatred, and I think actually hatred's a subset of self pity and not the other way around - ' It destroys everything around it, except itself '.
> 
> Self pity will destroy relationships, it'll destroy anything that's good, it will fulfill all the prophecies it makes and leave only itself. And it's so simple to imagine that one is hard done by, and that things are unfair, and that one is underappreciated, and that if only one had had a chance at this, only one had had a chance at that, things would have gone better, you would be happier if only this, that one is unlucky. All those things. And some of them may well even be true. But, to pity oneself as a result of them is to do oneself an enormous disservice.
> 
> ...


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

My divorce was finalized on Friday, and I am happy to be moving forward. For all of you starting or in the process, just remember that it will get better. Draw inspiration from this thread and look at the positive things in and around you.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

For those of you still going through it, remember:



> 6. *You will fail sometimes.* – The faster you accept this, the faster you can get on with being brilliant. You’ll never be 100% sure it will work, but you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work. Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. So get out there and try! Either you succeed or you learn a vital lesson. Win – Win.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks for this reminder.


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