# Deal Breakers... Am I overreacting?



## sydneylayne (Jul 12, 2015)

Hi everyone. I'm new to this site. I'm having a problem in my marriage and don't know where to turn. A little background info... My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years. We have very different upbringings. He has a large, supportive family. I grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father and a mother who was on hooked on prescription medicos who I haven't seen in 15 years. Because of the physical abuse I was subjected to when my dad was drinking I am very uncomfortable around men who have been drinking. The issue is this... For the first 5 years of our marriage my husband didn't touch a drop of alcohol but now we live closer to his brothers and he's started drinking socially with them (sometimes to excess). I've made it very clear that this is something that makes me uncomfortable. Last weekend we went on a trip with them and he came home blackout drunk and it scared my 8 year old. I was very upset and he told me he wasn't going to drink any more after that. Well that lasted less than a week because he drank tonight at a pool party with me there. He didn't get drunk but it still upset me. I feel like I have been blindsided by this because it didn't happen while we were dating or during the early years of our marriage. His drinking would have been a deal breaker for me but now the deal is done. Everyone acts like I'm overreacting and just being a *****. I can't help that it makes me uncomfortable though. How should I deal with this? When I told him I was upset tonight after the pool party he said he felt like he did really well tonight by only having 3 beers and he would have liked to had more. I just feel like that is so inconsiderate.
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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I assume he knew about your feelings about drinking before you married? 
based on what you've described is it right that you would prefer he not drink at all or is social drinking - that is the occasional drink or two at social gatherings acceptable.
It is hard to tell if your husband may have a drinking problem. Has he gotten blotto drunk other than that one time? Is he starting to drink at home or alone or going our regularly to bars. In other words is he starting to drink on a regular basis? Is he drinking and driving? 
Is his response to your expressed concerns about his drinking the same or similar to the way he responded about the pool party?


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## sydneylayne (Jul 12, 2015)

Maneo said:


> I assume he knew about your feelings about drinking before you married?
> based on what you've described is it right that you would prefer he not drink at all or is social drinking - that is the occasional drink or two at social gatherings acceptable.
> It is hard to tell if your husband may have a drinking problem. Has he gotten blotto drunk other than that one time? Is he starting to drink at home or alone or going our regularly to bars. In other words is he starting to drink on a regular basis? Is he drinking and driving?
> Is his response to your expressed concerns about his drinking the same or similar to the way he responded about the pool party?


I'm not sure that I'd say he has a drinking problem. And yes he knew about my feelings up front. It just wasn't an issue early on. He doesn't drink at home-- just with his brothers and I feel like he just does it to save face with them. I told him that I'd feel better if he told me he'd have say no more than 4 and then stick with it but he acts like that's a ridiculous request. I think his brothers are definitely alcoholics though.
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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

sydneylayne said:


> Hi everyone. I'm new to this site. I'm having a problem in my marriage and don't know where to turn. A little background info... My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years. We have very different upbringings. He has a large, supportive family. I grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father and a mother who was on hooked on prescription medicos who I haven't seen in 15 years. Because of the physical abuse I was subjected to when my dad was drinking I am very uncomfortable around men who have been drinking. The issue is this... For the first 5 years of our marriage my husband didn't touch a drop of alcohol but now we live closer to his brothers and he's started drinking socially with them (sometimes to excess). I've made it very clear that this is something that makes me uncomfortable. Last weekend we went on a trip with them and he came home blackout drunk and it scared my 8 year old. I was very upset and he told me he wasn't going to drink any more after that. Well that lasted less than a week because he drank tonight at a pool party with me there. He didn't get drunk but it still upset me. I feel like I have been blindsided by this because it didn't happen while we were dating or during the early years of our marriage. His drinking would have been a deal breaker for me but now the deal is done. Everyone acts like I'm overreacting and just being a *****. I can't help that it makes me uncomfortable though. How should I deal with this? When I told him I was upset tonight after the pool party he said he felt like he did really well tonight by only having 3 beers and he would have liked to had more. I just feel like that is so inconsiderate.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand the feeling. My dad was an abusive drunk and he drank beer. I am straight up with anyone I am with that beer on the breath is a deal breaker for any intimate contact unless they want to deal with the flashbacks. And if they choose that, once I get back in my right mind, that is the last time they will have any intimacy with me.
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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

This is a tough one...I personally don't see anything wrong with having a couple of drinks, either at home or out socially, but then I didn't grow up in a home like the OP either, so I understand why you feel funny about it OP.

Marriages are negotiated - and both parties should consider the others feelings, absolutely. It isn't fair of you to forbid him to drink anything, nor is it fair of him to completely disregard your feelings on this, especially when he knows why you feel the way you do.

So what's the compromise? Would you agree to let it slide if he has a few beers socially? If he doesn't come home drunk when he's been with his brothers? What would be a reasonable compromise so that you both get what you want?


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Oh, and no. You are not overreacting. You are reacting to the memories of traumatic experiences alcohol brings back. 

Are you just uncomfortable or is it a trigger to those feelings and flashbacks regarding your dad.
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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You shouldn't feel uncomfortable by your husband having 3 beers. That's YOUR insecurity and you need to try to control it instead of controlling him.

Marriage is "I will remain faithful to you forever", not "I will give up on simple pleasures of life forever".

What have you done to overcome the trauma caused by your dad? Your husband is not responsible for your internal issues.


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## sydneylayne (Jul 12, 2015)

synthetic said:


> You shouldn't feel uncomfortable by your husband having 3 beers. That's YOUR insecurity and you need to try to control it instead of controlling him.
> 
> Marriage is "I will remain faithful to you forever", not "I will give up on simple pleasures of life forever".
> 
> What have you done to overcome the trauma caused by your dad? Your husband is not responsible for your internal issues.



I went to therapy for a year and was discharged into maintenance because my therapist felt I had plenty of insight into my anxiety and lingering issues. At the time this wasn't really an issue. I wouldn't necessarily call it an insecurity. Of course I logically know that 3 beers isn't a big deal. The more alcohol he has the more uncomfortable and repulsed I become. It's not something I do on purpose.


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## sydneylayne (Jul 12, 2015)

AFallenAngel said:


> Oh, and no. You are not overreacting. You are reacting to the memories of traumatic experiences alcohol brings back.
> 
> Are you just uncomfortable or is it a trigger to those feelings and flashbacks regarding your dad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I would liken it to something near PTSD. I've dealt with this a lot because I have a degree in psychology and did several internships at the battered women's shelter. The more bye drinks the more uncomfortable I become.


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## sydneylayne (Jul 12, 2015)

I understand the feeling. My dad was an abusive drunk and he drank beer. I am straight up with anyone I am with that beer on the breath is a deal breaker for any intimate contact unless they want to deal with the flashbacks. And if they choose that, once I get back in my right mind, that is the last time they will have any intimacy with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

Beer on the breath is so repulsive to me. I'm so glad that someone understands how I feel.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

sydneylayne said:


> I would liken it to something near PTSD. I've dealt with this a lot because I have a degree in psychology and did several internships at the battered women's shelter. The more bye drinks the more uncomfortable I become.


It probably is a form of PTSD and I don't blame you. 

How old are you two?


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

With whats happened in your past, I think its understandable for it to repulse you. However, him not drinking was never agreed to before you married, if I'm reading correctly. Yes, after you confronted him, he said he wouldn't, but he was probably just in a hurry to not cause trouble and appease you.

I would take some time some morning that you have time to spend together, and have a calm and collected discussion about it. Tell him how it makes you feel, and why it makes you feel that way. And why you feel blindsided by it, and that you would prefer if he didn't drink at all, but if he established clear boundaries (4 beers), you would feel much better. Then open up the floor to him and see what he says.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Due to your background, you have a big problem with alcohol.

You married your husband when he was a non-drinker, and he was a non-drinker for many years with you. I consider that to be the established baseline for your relationship. He knows of your background.

Then you moved closer to his family. Alcohol is a big part of their socializing and he partakes when he hangs out with them, though not as much as he would like. He's trying to balance fitting in with his family with his respect for your dislike of alcohol.

It sounds like he never really internalized being a non-drinker the way you thought he had, and it turns out he's really a social drinker who was on hiatus for a while because that particular social circle was inaccessible. Now you're dealing with the disappointment of realizing your husband is not the man you thought he was.

You need to analyze his new habits, and how you feel about them.

How much of a social drinker has been revealed though? Is it limited to when he's with his family? Or does he now want a beer at home now and then, or to drink when he's out with you or other people? and how well does he control it? He seems able to stop at a few instead of ending up completely drunk from what you've described.

Is it the thought that he's drinking at all that bothers you? Is it fear of him descending into alcoholism like his brothers or your father? Is it just the triggers of smelling alcohol on his breath or being around him while he's tipsy/drunk?

If it's the fact that he's not the ethical non-drinker you thought he was, or that you feel like he has no respect for you because he's ignoring your wishes, that's a pretty big issue and would need a lot of discussion to resolve. You describe it as a deal-breaker, so if he won't stop drinking socially with his family, you'll have to threaten him with divorce to see if he picks you, or beer.

If it's just the smell of alcohol or his drunken behaviour, tell him he can hang out with his family as much as he likes, but he's not to come home until the next day when he's completely sober again. By his response, you'll see how he approaches that balance between respect for you and the lure of alcohol with his family and you can decide if he's prioritizing correctly.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Having a couple of drinks and being black-out drunk to the point you scare your child are obviously two different things. If his brothers are very heavy drinkers and he's not willing to tell them he's not going to drink as much as they do -- well, that's a problem. 

You can't force him to stop drinking too much with his brothers. You can tell him it's a deal-breaker (and mean it -- not threaten it). And only you know if it truly is.


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## sydneylayne (Jul 12, 2015)

I really appreciate everyone's opinions here. I I'm not in any way considering divorcing him because he likes to drink socially with his family. I just feel when people start drinking things could get out of control quickly. I realize this is my issue, not his. I think I will try again to approach him in a few days and see if we can come to a compromise. If he would just A) warn me that he's going to drink before he does and B) set a limit for how many drinks he'll have and stick with it I would be far more comfortable. Is that a reasonable request?

Oh and to answer someone's question we are both early 30s.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

sydneylayne said:


> If he would just A) warn me that he's going to drink before he does and B) set a limit for how many drinks he'll have and stick with it I would be far more comfortable. Is that a reasonable request?


That sounds very reasonable to me OP 

Just be sure that you REALLY are ok with that, because it's what you and your husband feel is fair that really matters. It may take some time to reach a compromise here but that's ok - keep talking about it until you do.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

sydneylayne said:


> I'm not sure that I'd say he has a drinking problem. And yes he knew about my feelings up front. It just wasn't an issue early on. He doesn't drink at home-- just with his brothers and I feel like he just does it to save face with them.* I told him that I'd feel better if he told me he'd have say no more than 4 and then stick with it but he acts like that's a ridiculous request. I think his brothers are definitely alcoholics though.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is very very concerning. I would feel the same as you.. as strongly as you.. Drinking is/was always a deal breaker for me, having seen the sheer He** my mother lived with -married to an alcoholic (my step father) .. ..Then watching my step Father die, his body all blown up -his liver shut down.. years before his time.. Of course you feel the way you do.. Alcoholism destroys many families..

His hanging with those who drink to excess is* inviting* trouble. if there are alcoholics in the family.. if an addiction takes hold.. he will need to stay away from them (I know too early to tell on this one- but its something to consider COULD HAPPEN)... only those who have beat alcohol can speak on how hard it is.. we have a friend who must remove himself from anyone who is drinking... because he KNOWS he can not handle it.. he's lived like this most of his life..if he knows there will be beer somewhere, he may stay home even. He doesn't trust himself.. 



> *sydneylayne said*: *I just feel when people start drinking things could get out of control quickly. I realize this is my issue, not his*.


 The sad fact is.. every alcoholic starts out like this.. the company he keeps encourages the behavior.. I do not feel you are over reacting personally... but it's true... if he sees you as controlling, nagging... he may go to the bottle even more so..

The fact you shared how strongly you feel BEFORE you walked down the aisle.. really I do see this as deal breaking.. Just my 2 cents.. I wouldn't be Ok with it at all. It's a tough situation to be in..

Though some can handle not drinking to excess.. my Father was like this. his job involved operating trucks, etc.. he was a very responsible Drinker.. only on weekends.. at home.. with his buddies, completely sober when he needed to be..

So the question is.. will your husband slip into the lifestyle of his brothers- you said you felt they were "alcoholics" (are they married, does it affect their marriage, jobs?) or will he be able to handle it.. understanding your concerns, setting limits as you ask? When an addiction takes hold.. so much of this goes out the window. Just saying.


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Oh and both he and you need to think about this. Have you been diagnosed with PTSD? Does his drinking trigger nightmares, flashbacks, or feelings of fear? If the answer to that is yes, then it is totally within reason to either request he not drink or he not drink around you or come near you after he has been drinking if it will trigger something. I don't care what anyone says, if something is a legitimate trigger, he does have the responsibility to avoid triggering you into something bad or scary. I didn't say he shouldn't drink at all but if the smell of alcohol or the taste of it when he kisses you is a trigger, then if he WANTS to drink, it is his responsibility to make sure he doesn't pull that trigger on you.
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