# Newly wed and cheated



## slo602 (Jan 6, 2013)

ok here is goes.

I have been married since Sept 2011. In July of 2012 my husband that I have been with for 6 years cheated.

It was a wam-bam-thank-u-mam. Looking through phone records and text records they had talked for a few weeks and met only that one time. He said he has not cheated ever and it was an only one time thing.

Now why you ask? He said I was a nag and all i did was ***** and complain. I only did that because he contributes nothing to the Marriage.(no help around the house no laundry no dishes - he provides a bread winning pay check) At times I feel more like a maid or a roommate he has sex with more then a wife. It has been over 6 months now and I am still not over it. I need to know how to get over this. It keeps coming up I am always wondering what he is doing or where he is going? 

I need ways to help me get over this -- Please Help Me!

I do not want to throw 6 years and only 1.3 yrs of marriage away - I don't want to let anyone down - I want to make this work!!


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Does he share your desire to make it work? Don't believe what he says, look at his actions.


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## slo602 (Jan 6, 2013)

He knows he did wrong. He wants to make it work but he is stubborn and is not good with showing emotions. He should be groveling at my feet doing anything to make this work but he is his same old self ....


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Then you have a problem. He needs to fix this not you. He cheated, not you. The fact you are willing to carry on in the despite his betray is a great gift you are giving him. But you are wasting your time if he is not going to take action to prevent the same circumstances from occurring again. 

Read the stickies and take some time to absorb that information. Don't be too quick to forgive and don't let him pressure you into dropping it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

slo602 said:


> He should be groveling at my feet doing anything to make this work


Yes he should. If he isn't, you have a problem, like Acoa says.

Please read the newbie link in my signature. There are very specific things he MUST do. If he isn't willing to do them, then end it, because putting up with him acting the way he is is tantamount to giving him permission to do it again.

I kicked my husband out on D day and today we're happily in R, but he's done everything he needs to. R can never work unless the WS is 1000% remorseful and into it. Whether to try R is your choice, and you shouldn't choose to with him acting the way he is.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Why would you even consider it? He wanted a maid and then did not respect you for what you brought to the table. Your resentment on top of the cheating will grow over the years.


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## slo602 (Jan 6, 2013)

I love him and I know he loves me. I want this to work. I am willing to look past the PAST and move on I am just looking for some advise to do so. Maybe even some ways to have him be a better husband and person over all. So many times we fight over this and either he leaves for a bit to cool off or I just drop it. I don't know if it is worth fighting over again and again.

(this is before I knew the truth he cheated but suspected something was up)This happened in July and in late August I met someone on my blog. He lived in another state and at first it was harmless flirting and "sex-ting" if you would even call it that. I had no intention on meeting this man it was just nice to talk to someone and have that void filled between the distance between my husband and I. Then he found out about me talking to this person and the truth of him cheating came out, 4 months later. Now I do not talk to this person any more he understands what I am going through and respects my marriage. After he found out I had this "friend" things were great we were acting like we did when we first started dating. It was like a new beginning....

Now it is like when I first found out. I get mad at him for no good reason only bc the thought has crossed my mind. I know this is bad, but he still does nothing to make himself better to do it himself. I am afraid that he will never change and I will be living with a roommate husband forever.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

slo602 said:


> ok here is goes.
> 
> I have been married since Sept 2011. In July of 2012 my husband that I have been with for 6 years cheated.
> 
> ...


He cheats because you are a nag.

Wrong!

He cheats because he likes to have sex with other women. I don't believe him that he only had sex one time. Why should you?

Why are you doing HIS laundry & HIS dishes? Do you work outside of the home?

IDK...he doesn't sound like a great catch but if you love him & want to stay married, you can read this board for advice.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Wow slo602, your story is almost exactly like mine! i was married for only 2 weeks (Sep 2012) before I found out my H cheated. Together for 3.5 years. 

Here's the gist of what I've learned... if he is not remorseful, he probably won't change. It seems clear that he's not willing to fix his problems, in which case, i'm sorry to say, he will do it again. 

My advice to you: separate and let him feel the realness of life without you in it. The unfair thing is... you're going to feel it too. Even though you did nothing to deserve this.  He needs to see what real life will be like without you.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

slo602 said:


> (this is before I knew the truth he cheated but suspected something was up)This happened in July and in late August I met someone on my blog. He lived in another state and at first it was harmless flirting and "sex-ting" if you would even call it that. I had no intention on meeting this man it was just nice to talk to someone and have that void filled between the distance between my husband and I. Then he found out about me talking to this person and the truth of him cheating came out, 4 months later. Now I do not talk to this person any more he understands what I am going through and respects my marriage. After he found out I had this "friend" things were great we were acting like we did when we first started dating. It was like a new beginning....


And there it is. I knew there was something on your end because you were being _way_ too calm and understanding about your husband's actions. What you were doing wasn't harmless and, if you had suspicions about your husband, you should've been putting energy into confronting your husband and demanding that he work on your marriage, not "harmlessly sexting" another man.


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## slo602 (Jan 6, 2013)

Emerald said:


> He cheats because you are a nag.
> 
> Wrong!
> 
> ...


I do work outside of the home full time. He owns his own business and feels that because he is the bread winner he doesn't need to put in all the household work I do. Its not fair but hes stubborn and set in his ways - I don't think there is changing that


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## slo602 (Jan 6, 2013)

JMGrey said:


> And there it is. I knew there was something on your end because you were being _way_ too calm and understanding about your husband's actions. What you were doing wasn't harmless and, if you had suspicions about your husband, you should've been putting energy into confronting your husband and demanding that he work on your marriage, not "harmlessly sexting" another man.


I did push and push but he denied and I had no real proof. It was a text message that I took out of context. I dropped it - bc I didnt want to push him away but then he acted as if nothing was wrong so I started talking to this person and it was a voice on the other end and a few flirty text messages there was no sex no physical contact.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

slo602 said:


> I did push and push but he denied and I had no real proof. It was a text message that I took out of context. I dropped it - bc I didnt want to push him away but then he acted as if nothing was wrong so I started talking to this person and it was a voice on the other end and a few flirty text messages there was no sex no physical contact.


It doesn't have to be a physical act to be infidelity. An emotional affair makes one just as guilty as a physical one. Does your husband know about you contact this other man?

Also, I'm not excusing your husband's infidelity. That's all on him and he's definitely trying to rug-sweep and get back the status quo. To work on the root causes of why your marriage is having trouble, you can't let him. He has to admit and accept that he has an equal responsibility for the marriage's strengths and weakness. Just don't forget that you do as well.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You are also cheater. Don't minimize your EA.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Oh stop.

A few flirty messages to a guy does not constitute an EA.

Oh wait I just read up further in the thread.

It was an EA

You're guilty too.

Both of you have serious issues. None of which are likely to be fixed during the course of your marriage, however long or short that may be.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

SLO,

He may love you but certainly has no respect for you. But evidently you are a great maid and cook. What you did was wrong and obviously no way to solve the issue at hand.

I will tell you one thing. Your husband is a bit of a knuckle dragger if not a total knuckle dragger. Does he have you fetching his beer while he watches sports as well.

Running a business is tough but it does not mean he is the the General Manager at home and you are the staff. Should he contribute as much say 50/50? I do not know but there certainly needs to be some effort on his part to help out. If you do not square this away soon then you just need to accept the status quo.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Fine, then, I will tell you what you want to hear. Not what you should do, but what you're going to do no matter what everyone here with their vast experience and knowledge says.

Pretend he never cheated. Pretend you never cheated. Sweep everything under the rug, then stomp on the rug till it's flat again and there's nothing peeking out. NEVER move that rug again, ever. Keep everything under it there till you die. That way, neither of you will have to confront your imperfections, nor have to improve yourselves. You can both just continue being the broken people you are, together, and gettin' a little sumthin' on the side whenever you feel like it.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Neither of you are fit to be in a marriage.

No kids? Get out and work on yourself.

This is going to be a much bigger problem after the two of you procreate.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I'm going to tell you how to get over this....You have to be involved in a more loving and functioning marriage. Once you are there you will be happy and safe.

Your first question you have to ponder is, is your husband a bum, or was he seeking good feelings outside his marriage becuase he was not getting any inside his marriage?

The key to both creating a functioning marriage and starting a process of forgiving your husband is for you to see that *****ing at him has not and will not provide you with the outcome you want. You see, if you can't understand or cling to something you have done, then the only answer is that your husband is a bum. And you can't reconcile with a bum.

This is not to say that he does not bear any responsibility. He does bear much responsibility. But there is an elephant in the room that is stopping anything from happening... And that is the cycle of you *****ing / getting angry and him not helping around the house. Is there another way you can get him to see what is important to you without *****ing and getting angry?


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