# Newlywed needs opinions-Long!!



## Mrs.G

I need advice from those who have had long HAPPY marriages. Years together does not mean happiness; my parents have had nearly forty years of emotional abuse. I was terrified of marriage when I was younger. I didn't want to end up a weary, screeching battleax like my mother. She angrily served my father during her best years, resenting every minute of it. My father responded by having an affair. 
To my delighted surprise, I married in October 2010, after living with my husband for two years while we were engaged.
My parents are old fashioned, stern and controlling, especially with me because I am the only daughter. I left home at 21, to escape the tyranny of a sexist home, run by a sadistic and narcissistic mother. She beat all of her four children, but I got much more just because I resemble my aunt, whom my mother hates.
I am viewed as "rebellious" by them because I moved out way before I married and I dated a lot.
My mother has always tried to humiliate me in front of boyfriends, so that they would leave me. Even when I was engaged, she went on angry and screaming rampages when I brought my hubby around.
They had the nerve to demand that I let them plan and pay for our wedding. I refused because I think large weddings are more suited to happy families. I also knew that my mother just wanted to show off; she's very superficial. My husband and I don't like big parties and we were appalled that my mother kept forcing the issue.
Finally, we told my parents that we were having a private, just the two of us ceremony. My mother said that we were marrying like people who had no immigration papers.
After that fiasco, we married the way WE wanted. I didn't want my mother's constant negativity around me. My parents were surprised and hurt when they received the news. In an effort to "punish" me, they refuse to speak to either one of us. I am so ashamed that my husband's family sent cards and unexpected gifts, while my parents didn't even say congratulations. 
I hate my parents because they are abusive and manipulative. My extended family thinks I should simply accept their actions, because "they are the parents!" Swallowing all the beatings and insults resulted in me becoming clinically depressed at 17.
My husband and his family are loving and supportive. My husband, after observing their behavior, is no longer fond of them.
Is it wrong for a newlywed couple to disconnect from toxic relatives?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chefmaster

First, your post isn't that long  I've read two today that are at least twice as long.

I am truly sorry to hear about the beatings and was somewhat shocked actually to read that they had offered to pay for the wedding and were pushing the issue. It's as if they have no remorse or are unaware they have done anything wrong.

IMO not only is it not wrong to disconnect I would do it in such a way that makes them not want to reconnect. Who knows, it may even make them wonder why?



::hugs::


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## greenpearl

Mrs.G,

Your account name tells me that you love your husband. 

I come from a similar background. Not my mother, but my father. 

My father's selfish comments haunted me many years. I don't want to list what he did, just something like: You are just a girl, you are my burden. 

I left home when I was 17, I didn't want to be his burden. 

I went to work, I made my own money, I met good people, I went back to school again, what I have today didn't come from my father. 

I have chosen to forgive my father, it has given me a lot of peace. 

In China, it is only boys' duty to look after their old parents. I started to send money home after I became independent, just like a son does. One reason, I want my mother to have a better life, I love my mother, she has given me a lot of love. Another reason, I don't know why, maybe I am just a good daughter, or maybe I want to prove to my father that I am as good as a son. I have never received any gifts from my family, it is always me who is giving. I don't mind it, I am happy that I am able to give. 

I am always envious of people who have good fathers, I am always envious of people who have happy families. It is something I lack in my life. 

I come from China, I live in Taiwan. My world is very small, my husband and me. I have joked that my husband and I are like Adam and Eve in modern world. We are surrounded by people, but there are only two of us. 

I have stopped longing for a big family and a big social group. My husband is the most important person in my life, I just need to make sure he is healthy and happy! 

We went to a court house and got married, simple and happy. No stress, little money.  

We can't please everybody, make sure we are happy first. Live our life organized, who cares what other people think of us. As long as we are not doing anything on purpose to hurt them, our conscience is clear.


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## F-102

Marriage is hard enough without bringing the "toxics" into it. Only later, and maybe when it's too late, will they realize what they lost.


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## Mrs.G

Thank you everyone. The support each of you gave was lovely.
My mother had my lazy and defiant teenage cousin living with them. My brothers told me that my mother appreciated me MUCH MORE after that.

I am currently battling a bout of depression, due to not being able to find work and my awful parents. The psychiatrist I saw said the same thing as F102-"It will hit her. Just because she's your mother, it doesn't mean she can walk all over you. There needs to be mutual respect."
Pandakiss, there will not be any children. I think kids make mothers unhappy and abusive. I'm not interested in ruining my body with birth and pregnancy. I purposely married a man who does not want children, for these and many other reasons. It's been proven that abused children often grow up to abuse their own progeny. After seeing a graphic birth video at 15, I was traumatized and disgusted by the idea of having a baby.
Some women just can't do the most natural thing in the world. I'm too screwed up as it is; a baby would push me right over the edge. I no longer tell people in my daily life about our childfreedom. People behave like they can make that choice for us. I strongly believe that the best kept secret about motherhood, is that it is quite taxing and awful for a woman. Being a nanny in the past, with screaming babies and disrespectful children cemented my ideas about opting out of motherhood.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kclqueens

Mrs.G said:


> Thank you everyone. The support each of you gave was lovely.
> My mother had my lazy and defiant teenage cousin living with them. My brothers told me that my mother appreciated me MUCH MORE after that.
> 
> I am currently battling a bout of depression, due to not being able to find work and my awful parents. The psychiatrist I saw said the same thing as F102-"It will hit her. Just because she's your mother, it doesn't mean she can walk all over you. There needs to be mutual respect."
> Pandakiss, there will not be any children. I think kids make mothers unhappy and abusive. I'm not interested in ruining my body with birth and pregnancy. I purposely married a man who does not want children, for these and many other reasons. It's been proven that abused children often grow up to abuse their own progeny. After seeing a graphic birth video at 15, I was traumatized and disgusted by the idea of having a baby.
> Some women just can't do the most natural thing in the world. I'm too screwed up as it is; a baby would push me right over the edge. I no longer tell people in my daily life about our childfreedom. People behave like they can make that choice for us. I strongly believe that the best kept secret about motherhood, is that it is quite taxing and awful for a woman. Being a nanny in the past, with screaming babies and disrespectful children cemented my ideas about opting out of motherhood.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


hiya
i'm sorry to hear you had such a terrible childhod. i had a very similar childhood, married 2.5years now to a wonderful man. i sounded just like your posts (i'm sorry if i sound like im judging), that sound negative and full of anger and resentment. and i get that if that's what you're feeling..i usd to tell myself i have a right to feel like that, look what ive been through. 

regarding your crazy mother blasting abuse about you to boyfriends, well obviously thats uncalled for and extremely psychotic, but you got a good man now. be grateful. he knows your parents are loony and abusive, but that didn't scare him off. be grateful.

on thing i would say is, let the anger go.. if they treated u like that, just try and work on setting up a healthier life for yourself, especially mentally, do not let yourself be full of all this anger and hatred for the rest of your life.. again, look what you've been through.

i made a change in my life sometime after i got married. i promised myself i was going to try and "chill". ie i was going to not let other people vexate my soul including my parents. it's take awhile now, and now my mind is clearer, more at peace and therefore my life inc my marriage is at peace. i also feel peace wih my parents. they havent changed much, but they dont affect me anymore.. changing my outlook on life was new beginnings for me. now i see a different side to my parents that i didnt see before - they were treated just as badly by their parents. they didn't know any different. so i didnt cut them off completely, i just spoke to them less frequently, and when the conversations would get cold, i'd try and be the better person and leave the situation first. what's the point in trying to fight it - you cant change people right. and that's ok, i cant control that, i cant control what happens, but im gonna do as much as i can to be positive in my life. life is too short and i dont want to turn 80 still complaining about how crap my childhood was. other people have it worse, other kids even as i write this message have it worse, so i try my utmost to help those who cant help themselves. let's stop being jaded and cynical...i have better things to look forward to and i am soaking up the sun. why dont you join me.


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## greeneyeddolphin

Mrs.G said:


> Pandakiss, there will not be any children. I think kids make mothers unhappy and abusive. I'm not interested in ruining my body with birth and pregnancy. I purposely married a man who does not want children, for these and many other reasons. It's been proven that abused children often grow up to abuse their own progeny.


You have made your decision; I am not trying to change your mind. I do however feel the need to say that kids do not make mothers unhappy and abusive. You did not make your mother treat you that way. Mothers who abuse their kids, and fathers too for that matter, do it because they have a problem that has nothing to do with their kids but they take it out on the kids because they are bigger than the kids and therefore they can get away with it. 

It's good that you have decided not to have children; not because you shouldn't or would hurt them, but because you know yourself better than anyone else, and if you think you can't handle it, it's best for everyone, you and unborn children both, to not go down that road.


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## greenpearl

Pandakiss said:


> plus, kids are dirty and loud, i cant sleep in on weekends, and they eat all my food, and take all my money, school clothes, shoes..omg,


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

You have a great sense of humor!


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## Mom6547

Mrs G., I disagree with your extended family. I am in year 17 of a very happy marriage. Both my husband and I have strong marriages modeled to us by our parents. They demonstrated mentally healthy relationships that included forgiveness, kindness and love. It does not sound like your mother knows these traits. You don't need her poison to infect your marriage. The drama she causes is an unnecessary strain.

If it were me, I would sit Mom down and tell her that IF she wants to be part of my life, behaviors need to change. I would explain EXACTLY what I am not going to tolerate anymore. Then I would support that with positive disciplinary action as if she were a child (which in my opinion she is). 

For instance, I would tell her that she may give an opinion, but my decisions are my own. If she does not like my choices, that is fine, but I am not going to tolerate unkind verbalization, yelling or any other histrionics. Each and every time, probably including the first conversation, you simply LEAVE any time her behavior is unacceptable. Plan any meetings so that there are no practical barriers to you getting out of dodge when she freaks.

One of two things will happen. She will continue behaving in an unhealthy manner. Since your limits involve not hanging out with her when she is behaving that way, you won't have to see much of her. Or she will learn to control herself, which strikes me as unlikely frankly.

If it were me, I would not let her within a city block of my children (don't know if you have or plan to have children) without DIRECT supervision.

Good luck to you!

S


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## Mom6547

Mrs.G said:


> Pandakiss, there will not be any children. I think kids make mothers unhappy and abusive. I'm not interested in ruining my body with birth and pregnancy. I purposely married a man who does not want children, for these and many other reasons. It's been proven that abused children often grow up to abuse their own progeny.


I think that people who choose not to have children are often mistreated by society as if there is something wrong with them. While I don't agree that having children makes mothers unhappy and abusive, it is true that abused parents often abuse their kids. I think it is more than possible for abused people to learn healthy parenting. But there is nothing wrong with choosing not to have children.





> Some women just can't do the most natural thing in the world.


You can't eat?!?!? Damn that blows. (Just kidding.) 

PLEASE don't feel somehow less whole, female or natural because you are attempting to make a grown up and responsible decision for your life, the life of an unborn child and your husband.



> I'm too screwed up as it is; a baby would push me right over the edge. I no longer tell people in my daily life about our childfreedom. People behave like they can make that choice for us. I strongly believe that the best kept secret about motherhood, is that it is quite taxing and awful for a woman.


That perspective makes sense for you because that is what it looked like happened to your mother. You did not make your mother miserable. She was a wretch all on her own.

I am not trying to convert you. But thought it might be useful to share a different perspective. My children definitely cause me moments of frustration. But on balance, they are the best thing to ever happen to me. By having to try to raise them, I have learned a TON about healthy interpersonal relationships. Skills I have learned as a parent have been helpful to my marriage. The sharing of these two little people has brought us closer. 




> Being a nanny in the past, with screaming babies and disrespectful children cemented my ideas about opting out of motherhood.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Babies scream to be sure. Glad to be past that stage. But disrespectful children are a product of crappy parents, in my opinion.


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## Mom6547

Pandakiss said:


> why feel the narssistic need to clone your self.


Narcissistic need to clone yourself? Gonna call us "breeders" next?


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## Mrs.G

*Judgemental*



kclqueens said:


> hiya
> i'm sorry to hear you had such a terrible childhod. i had a very similar childhood, married 2.5years now to a wonderful man. i sounded just like your posts (i'm sorry if i sound like im *judging), that sound negative and full of anger and resentment. and i get that if that's what you're feeling..i usd to tell myself i have a right to feel like that, look what ive been through. *
> regarding your crazy mother blasting abuse about you to boyfriends, well obviously thats uncalled for and extremely psychotic, *but you got a good man now. be grateful. he knows your parents are loony and abusive, but that didn't scare him off. be grateful.*
> 
> on thing i would say is, let the anger go.. if they treated u like that, just try and work on setting up a healthier life for yourself, especially mentally, do not let yourself be full of all this anger and hatred for the rest of your life.. again, look what you've been through.
> 
> i made a change in my life sometime after i got married. i promised myself i was going to try and "chill". ie i was going to not let other people vexate my soul including my parents. it's take awhile now, and now my mind is clearer, more at peace and therefore my life inc my marriage is at peace. i also feel peace wih my parents. they havent changed much, but they dont affect me anymore.. changing my outlook on life was new beginnings for me. now i see a different side to my parents that i didnt see before - they were treated just as badly by their parents. they didn't know any different. so i didnt cut them off completely, i just spoke to them less frequently, and when the conversations would get cold, i'd try and be the better person and leave the situation first. what's the point in trying to fight it - you cant change people right. and that's ok, i cant control that, i cant control what happens, but im gonna do as much as i can to be positive in my life. *life is too short and i dont want to turn 80 still complaining about how crap my childhood was. other people have it worse, other kids even as i write this message have it worse, so i try my utmost to help those who cant help themselves. let's stop being jaded and cynical...i have better things to look forward to and i am soaking up the sun. why dont you join me.*




Your post came across as scolding and dismissive; the only response like that which I received. 

When did I say that I wasn't grateful for my husband? Of course I'm glad he's here, but he cannot replace a loving family of origin. If my husband dies or leaves me, I will have NOBODY. 

My anger and hatred is what protects me from people like my mother.

You sound just like my mother's side of the family; unsympathetic and judgemental. I know that others have it worse, however it doesn't negate the issues that I'm trying to overcome. I'll thank you to refrain from looking down at me for sharing my feelings. What a mean person you are!


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## Mrs.G

*Tried that already!*



vthomeschoolmom said:


> Mrs G., I disagree with your extended family. I am in year 17 of a very happy marriage. Both my husband and I have strong marriages modeled to us by our parents. They demonstrated mentally healthy relationships that included forgiveness, kindness and love. *It does not sound like your mother knows these traits. You don't need her poison to infect your marriage. The drama she causes is an unnecessary strain.*
> *If it were me, I would sit Mom down and tell her that IF she wants to be part of my life, behaviors need to change. I would explain EXACTLY what I am not going to tolerate anymore. Then I would support that with positive disciplinary action as if she were a child (which in my opinion she is). *
> 
> For instance, I would tell her that she may give an opinion, but my decisions are my own. If she does not like my choices, that is fine, but I am not going to tolerate unkind verbalization, yelling or any other histrionics. Each and every time, probably including the first conversation, you simply LEAVE any time her behavior is unacceptable. Plan any meetings so that there are no practical barriers to you getting out of dodge when she freaks.
> 
> One of two things will happen. She will continue behaving in an unhealthy manner. Since your limits involve not hanging out with her when she is behaving that way, you won't have to see much of her. Or she will learn to control herself, which strikes me as unlikely frankly.
> 
> If it were me, I would not let her within a city block of my children (don't know if you have or plan to have children) without DIRECT supervision.
> 
> Good luck to you!
> 
> S


Thank you my dear. I have tried ad nauseam to discuss these issues with my mother, as well as calmly set boundaries. She responds by saying that I am too sensitive and she doesn't mean anything by what she does. She has the attitude that there is something wrong with _everyone else,_ not her. 

My brothers and my father kow tow to her and tell her what she wants to hear. Since I am the only one IN THE WHOLE FAMILY who stands up to her, I am made to feel that I am rebellious.


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## Mrs.G

atruckersgirl said:


> You have made your decision; I am not trying to change your mind. *I do however feel the need to say that kids do not make mothers unhappy and abusive. You did not make your mother treat you that way. Mothers who abuse their kids, and fathers too for that matter, do it because they have a problem that has nothing to do with their kids but they take it out on the kids because they are bigger than the kids and therefore they can get away with it. *
> It's good that you have decided not to have children; not because you shouldn't or would hurt them, but because you know yourself better than anyone else, and if you think you can't handle it, it's best for everyone, you and unborn children both, to not go down that road.


I rarely meet mothers who respect my decision, so thank you very much.

You say what my therapist says about my childhood. I can't shake the feeling that I was somehow to blame. My mother got away with the abuse until I started telling people. She uses my depression as a way to discredit what I say. It doesn't matter now, because I refuse to have her in my life. Even hearing her voice makes my skin crawl.


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## Threetimesalady

NO, it's your life...If they upset you, then do your own thing...You did not marry them, you married each other....


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## shanlaily

I would explain EXACTLY what I am not going to tolerate anymore.


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## romantic_guy

I am really sorry that you have had to bear this. It is awesome that you have a husband and in-laws that understand. here are a few suggestions from me:

1. You might consider counseling to help you get over the mental abuse. You really need to process this and learn how to let it go because it will effect your relationships. I am not saying you should reconcile with your mother, but you have been deeply hurt. It may take years to get over this.

2. Yes they are your parents, but I do not think it is wrong for you to keep your distance right now. You need to get emotionally healthy. At some point you will have to realize that the way you were treated was not your fault. That will not be easy.

For now, love your hubby, and focus on your relationship with him. It is probably not a good idea to talk about it too much with you in-laws. Just love and accept them. They are you family now. My father was much more of a dad to my wife than her own father ever was.


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## Ello1012

Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) - Bukhari
- Much silence and a good disposition, there are no two things better than these.

Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) - Bukhari
- The best richness is the richness of the soul.

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)
`A Muslim man can acquire no benefit after Islam greater than a Muslim wife who makes him happy when he looks at her, obeys him when he commands her, and protects him when he is away from her in herself and in his property.'

~ CONGRATULATIONS ~!!!!!!!!


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## Bobby5000

A few comments. 

1. As to marriage, seeing things from the other person's perspective, understanding male female dynamics and different ways of looking at things, being upbeat, showing your best side to your spouse, are ways of having a happy marriage.

2. I am sure you had some tough times and for that I symp 
athize. However, some of the things you mention are normal, "They had the nerve to demand that I let them plan and pay for our wedding."

3. If there are serious problems, set some reasonable limits and make arrangements to live at least 45 minutes from your mother. 



I need advice from those who have had long HAPPY marriages. Years together does not mean happiness; my parents have had nearly forty years of emotional abuse. I was terrified of marriage when I was younger. I didn't want to end up a weary, screeching battleax like my mother. She angrily served my father during her best years, resenting every minute of it. My father responded by having an affair. 
To my delighted surprise, I married in October 2010, after living with my husband for two years while we were engaged.
My parents are old fashioned, stern and controlling, especially with me because I am the only daughter. I left home at 21, to escape the tyranny of a sexist home, run by a sadistic and narcissistic mother. She beat all of her four children, but I got much more just because I resemble my aunt, whom my mother hates.
I am viewed as "rebellious" by them because I moved out way before I married and I dated a lot.
My mother has always tried to humiliate me in front of boyfriends, so that they would leave me. Even when I was engaged, she went on angry and screaming rampages when I brought my hubby around.
They had the nerve to demand that I let them plan and pay for our wedding. I refused because I think large weddings are more suited to happy families. I also knew that my mother just wanted to show off; she's very superficial. My husband and I don't like big parties and we were appalled that my mother kept forcing the issue.
Finally, we told my parents that we were having a private, just the two of us ceremony. My mother said that we were marrying like people who had no immigration papers.
After that fiasco, we married the way WE wanted. I didn't want my mother's constant negativity around me. My parents were surprised and hurt when they received the news. In an effort to "punish" me, they refuse to speak to either one of us. I am so ashamed that my husband's family sent cards and unexpected gifts, while my parents didn't even say congratulations. 
I hate my parents because they are abusive and manipulative. My extended family thinks I should simply accept their actions, because "they are the parents!" Swallowing all the beatings and insults resulted in me becoming clinically depressed at 17.
My husband and his family are loving and supportive. My husband, after observing their behavior, is no longer fond of them.
Is it wrong for a newlywed couple to disconnect from toxic relatives?
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]


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## expatforlife

IMHO, it is okay to disconnect from toxic relative or hold them at arms length. I wish you the best with your husband and glad he has a nice family.


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## FirstYearDown

The OP has been banned and the problem is more than a year old. Let the thread die! LOL


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## teteapple

My world is very small, my husband and me. I have joked that my husband and I are like Adam and Eve in modern world.


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