# Newlywed In-Law Issues



## Newlywed718

Hi,
I'm new here and having some difficulties with my in-laws. I had a pretty good relationship with my MIL prior to my marriage and prior to my SIL moving back into town. But once she returned we had a LOT of issues. 
There were some tensions with my DH helping out his sister (my SIL) with a car( paying for parts, insurance, title etc). She's 26 and honestly IMO can do this on her own. When DH and I discussed his need to stop helping due to our upcoming wedding all broke lose and I became the issue. It was like a huge issue that he could no longer fiancially support his sister- eventhough he had already did enough! My Dh's sister was to be in our wedding ( I was trying to include her) which backfired as she couldn't pay for her dress, so we paid for half. When we refused to pay for the rest both DH's mom and sister became very nasty. Making phone calls screaming repeatedly to DH about him needing to pay for the dress & NEVER once taking into consideration that we were getting married & had a lot to pay for.

Lots went on prior to the wedding including neither of them coming to help with my shower & storming out immediately after. SIL was almost banned from that after calling our house the morning of in one of her screaming rampages. All while I vent to my DH and say nothing as he says it'll cause more issues. So this behavior continues- as 2 weeks prior to the wedding is sister SELLS the car he had just sold her and spent all this $$ and time fixing up for her bc she couldn't bare looking at it as it tore her and her brother apart ( she swore he changed because he wasn't helping her fiancially). We had his mother here in our house talking about some of these issues & his mom knew the car had been sold-she said nothing to us. 
Meanwhile she had also been borrowing another car from us as the fixer up needed more work. 

So in the process of this she sends me (SIL) a text message hoping my marriage fails and that I never reproduce because I'm a horrible person. All because of the $$ issue. So this was the final straw and tell her she's no longer welcome at our wedding- luckily she hops a plane and goes back to where she came from. Meanwhile- other family members apologize for DH's sisters horrid behavior- nothing from my MIL. I know it's not her fault, but a simple I'm sorry you had to go through this- nothing.

Fast forward to wedding- Inlaws are paying for nothing & are ready to up and leave an hour into rehearsal. At wedding MIL says nothing to me- no congratulations, you look nice nothing. Now month later- I see my wedding pictures with her- she couldn't smile in ANY of them. She looks miserable. She smiles somewhat in pictures with her sons. Seriously? You couldn't suck it up for a day. Now DH, is like what can I do? I want to confront her for her disrespectful behavior all this time as I have to deal with her the rest of my life- there needs to be some sort of respect. I need him to get that through to her too- and if he won't do it..I need to!! Thoughts/advice greatly appreciated because I don't know what to do next.. I'm sure I'm missed something but I think you all get the idea!! Thanks for listening!!


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## EleGirl

You married into a crazy family. So crazy is what you get.

What do you mean by there needs to be some sort of respect? Do you mean that your MIL needs to respect you? You cannot demand respect from someone. She really does not need to respect you. If you demand it, it will do exactly the opposite.

Instead, I suggest that you limit your exposure to his mother. When you are around her treat her as a elder. That's it. 

How much time a week/month does your husband spend around his mother? Do they talk on the phone much?


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## Newlywed718

Thank you for replying!! I agree, I can not demand respect from anyone. I really would just like there to be some degree of respect between us- but I don't know that, that can ever occur. My DH wants us (meaning me & MIL) to sit down and discuss these issues but I think he needs to back me up as well.

To answer your question- honestly he doesn't see her as often now- we see her 2x a month roughly & he speaks to her on the phone about that much as well maybe a little more. I think their relationship has been strained some due to all this drama as well.


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## sh987

Sorry to hear about your problems.



Newlywed718 said:


> Now DH, is like what can I do?


Yes, this sounds about right: he doesn't know what to do. He's spent his entire life being manipulated by his mother and sister's antics. I'm sure it defines their relationships to no small extent.



> I want to confront her for her disrespectful behavior all this time as I have to deal with her the rest of my life- there needs to be some sort of respect. I need him to get that through to her too- and if he won't do it..I need to!!


If you take this approach you will lose every time. I guarantee it. Your MIL and SIL have a lifetime of pushing your husband's buttons to get what they want. You're much newer to the game, much less experienced at getting him to do what you want, AND they will see you as not outranking them. They will never give in with this sort of battle.



> Thoughts/advice greatly appreciated because I don't know what to do next.. I'm sure I'm missed something but I think you all get the idea!! Thanks for listening!!


Feeding into the drama (and you have, even if just to defend yourself) will only make things worse, because these two women clearly feed on it like a shark on seal meat. You can tell them off, or tell them that you deserve better treatment (you do, btw) and you will get some short-term satisfaction out of it.

But then a much bigger grenade will be tossed back your way, making you more angry and you husband even more miserable than he already is, with all of these women that he loves fighting over him. This will stop when he's ready to stand up for himself and you, and even though this will feel backwards to you, he really needs your support in this, IMO. 

If you nag him or demand that he stands up for you, and send him over to your MIL's house to pass the message, she'll see through that right away. She'll know that these are really just your words, and they won't mean squat to her, and that he's now just doing what you want instead of what she wants. She'll send him back in much the same way, since she's known him since the day he was born, and she knows how to unlock him. And he'll feel smaller and weaker and a little less able to man up every time this happens... And I know that's not what you want.

In the meantime, I think Elegirl offers solid advice: limit your exposure, be pleasant and unassuming, and don't feed the trolls.


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## Newlywed718

Thank you , thank you , thank you!! You have no idea how much sense that made. I 100% agree. I think limiting exposure is best and when he can stand up for himself and me then it will happen. Until then , I feel no need to be around such a person.


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## sh987

Newlywed718 said:


> Thank you , thank you , thank you!! You have no idea how much sense that made. I 100% agree. I think limiting exposure is best and when he can stand up for himself and me then it will happen. Until then , I feel no need to be around such a person.


I hope that everything works out for you guys.


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## Orange_Pekoe

Newlywed718 said:


> Hi,
> I'm new here and having some difficulties with my in-laws. I had a pretty good relationship with my MIL prior to my marriage and prior to my SIL moving back into town. But once she returned we had a LOT of issues.
> There were some tensions with my DH helping out his sister (my SIL) with a car( paying for parts, insurance, title etc). She's 26 and honestly IMO can do this on her own. When DH and I discussed his need to stop helping due to our upcoming wedding all broke lose and I became the issue. It was like a huge issue that he could no longer fiancially support his sister- eventhough he had already did enough! My Dh's sister was to be in our wedding ( I was trying to include her) which backfired as she couldn't pay for her dress, so we paid for half. When we refused to pay for the rest both DH's mom and sister became very nasty. Making phone calls screaming repeatedly to DH about him needing to pay for the dress & NEVER once taking into consideration that we were getting married & had a lot to pay for.
> 
> Lots went on prior to the wedding including neither of them coming to help with my shower & storming out immediately after. SIL was almost banned from that after calling our house the morning of in one of her screaming rampages. All while I vent to my DH and say nothing as he says it'll cause more issues. So this behavior continues- as 2 weeks prior to the wedding is sister SELLS the car he had just sold her and spent all this $$ and time fixing up for her bc she couldn't bare looking at it as it tore her and her brother apart ( she swore he changed because he wasn't helping her fiancially). We had his mother here in our house talking about some of these issues & his mom knew the car had been sold-she said nothing to us.
> Meanwhile she had also been borrowing another car from us as the fixer up needed more work.
> 
> So in the process of this she sends me (SIL) a text message hoping my marriage fails and that I never reproduce because I'm a horrible person. All because of the $$ issue. So this was the final straw and tell her she's no longer welcome at our wedding- luckily she hops a plane and goes back to where she came from. Meanwhile- other family members apologize for DH's sisters horrid behavior- nothing from my MIL. I know it's not her fault, but a simple I'm sorry you had to go through this- nothing.
> 
> Fast forward to wedding- Inlaws are paying for nothing & are ready to up and leave an hour into rehearsal. At wedding MIL says nothing to me- no congratulations, you look nice nothing. Now month later- I see my wedding pictures with her- she couldn't smile in ANY of them. She looks miserable. She smiles somewhat in pictures with her sons. Seriously? You couldn't suck it up for a day. Now DH, is like what can I do? I want to confront her for her disrespectful behavior all this time as I have to deal with her the rest of my life- there needs to be some sort of respect. I need him to get that through to her too- and if he won't do it..I need to!! Thoughts/advice greatly appreciated because I don't know what to do next.. I'm sure I'm missed something but I think you all get the idea!! Thanks for listening!!


No my dear, you do not need to tell them to respect you. Your husband does.
I was living with my in laws for a few years, and my SIL disrespected me (no smiles, wouldn't talk to me, very hostile etc.) and it tore me up inside. Problems and tensions escalated and my husband took their side, not mine. It destroyed my relationship with my husband.

He is the one who should be telling his mother and sister to back off and respect you. If they don't, it means they do not love him or care enough about him. A mother or sister who cares about him, will show you respect out of love for him.

The fact that he does not stand up for you is a big deal. He should kindly and gently tell them - "Ladies, I love you, you have your place and my wife has hers. Nobody can take your place and nobody can take hers. For my sake, please respect my wife and don't insult her...if you do, I will suffer as a result and my marriage might break down."


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## Orange_Pekoe

^ If he does not do that (speak with his mother voluntarily) - then you have bigger problems than your in-laws. I'm very sorry you are in this situation. Stay strong.


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## bbdad

I have been dealing with similar for 20 years. You just have to be as cordial as you can.

I had enough with my in-laws one time. It was clearly an issue they created, but I stood firm and it came close to getting physical. My wife will never support me in anything when it comes to them. Thankfully, we live many states apart, so the exposure is much less. When we go to visit them, I make sure I have plans to visit other friends in the area and limit my time with them to the fullest extent possible.


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## Mrs.Submission

I'm not sure why you would marry a man who cannot stand up to his family. Most in-law problems stem from a spouse being unwilling to set boundaries with their relatives. Your in-laws were out of line but your husband is equally wrong for not stepping in. The only way you can hope for any kind of resolution is if your husband stands up for you. As his wife, you come first and nasty in-laws cannot be permitted contact if they insist on behaving in a disgustingly disrespectful manner. 

My husband stood up to his mother for me when she was making nasty comments.
The next time we visit, we will be staying in a hotel because my MIL is very unpredictable.


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## Newlywed718

Thank you all for your replies. They are greatly appreciated. I agree he needs to be the one to do it. He has done it in several situations but he is very hesitant. He's not one to want to upset others. But I agree he needs to learn to stand up to them for himself and me.


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## turnera

Newlywed718 said:


> Thank you all for your replies. They are greatly appreciated. I agree he needs to be the one to do it. He has done it in several situations but he is very hesitant. *He's not one to want to upset others.* But I agree he needs to learn to stand up to them for himself and me.


Because he was raised to know he would be punished if he upset them. And how do you think SIL learned to be such a biotch? From her mother.

What you really need to do is start reading everything you can find about boundaries and consequences. It will save your marriage and give your H the time to mature and learn he CAN be his own man apart from them.


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## Newlywed718

Good thought!! Thank you, I will start doing this!


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## frusdil

turnera said:


> Because he was raised to know he would be punished if he upset them. And how do you think SIL learned to be such a biotch? From her mother.
> 
> What you really need to do is start reading everything you can find about boundaries and consequences. It will save your marriage and give your H the time to mature and learn he CAN be his own man apart from them.


^^This. 1000x this. If you hear nothing else OP, hear this.


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## Newlywed718

I'm working on this! He spoke to his mom the other day. She says she has no issues with me! Uh really? Your actions speak much louder. Then he has the audacity to say he doesn't think there are issues either (her manipulation). That I'm reading into it. So I have much bigger issues here!!


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## Abc123wife

Newlywed718 said:


> I'm working on this! He spoke to his mom the other day. She says she has no issues with me! Uh really? Your actions speak much louder. Then he has the audacity to say he doesn't think there are issues either (her manipulation). That I'm reading into it. So I have much bigger issues here!!


Since this is supposedly your imagined problem, take one of those wonderful wedding photos and get an enlarged copy, have it nicely framed and present it to your MIl. Don't say anything about her nasty facial expression. She can then have a nice reminder of your lovely day with her snarly nasty expression for the day. If she says something, just let her know that was the best shot. The rest were even worse!


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## turnera

Newlywed718 said:


> I'm working on this! He spoke to his mom the other day. She says she has no issues with me! Uh really? Your actions speak much louder. Then he has the audacity to say he doesn't think there are issues either (her manipulation). That I'm reading into it. So I have much bigger issues here!!


This is where the boundaries/consequences come in. They are invaluable because THEY ARE YOURS.

He can do whatever the flip he wants. So can his mom. YOU, likewise, will do what YOU want. And what you want is respect.

So lay out your boundaries in terms of respect. Name three for us that have to do with either him or her. Like, 'if she criticizes my cooking (your boundary - don't criticize my cooking), I'm leaving to go out to eat by myself and you guys can fix whatever you want (your consequence - I will remove myself from the situation and you're free to criticize ... nothing because I won't be cooking for you again [without an apology].'

This takes you OUT of the conflict. You simply state what you'll accept in your life, what kind of treatment, and if ANYbody steps over those boundaries, you simply calmly, unemotionally remove yourself from the situation. They are then free to continue the poor behavior - they just won't have you to do it to. Find somebody else.

They are then free to grow up and act like respectable people, or be left alone. Including your husband.


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## EleGirl

Newlywed718 said:


> I'm working on this! He spoke to his mom the other day. She says she has no issues with me! Uh really? Your actions speak much louder. Then he has the audacity to say he doesn't think there are issues either (her manipulation). That I'm reading into it. So I have much bigger issues here!!


This is why you never ask him to talk to his mother and sister. Do you see what they did? They turned you into the bad guy.


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## Newlywed718

Abc123wife said:


> Newlywed718 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm working on this! He spoke to his mom the other day. She says she has no issues with me! Uh really? Your actions speak much louder. Then he has the audacity to say he doesn't think there are issues either (her manipulation). That I'm reading into it. So I have much bigger issues here!!
> 
> 
> 
> Since this is supposedly your imagined problem, take one of those wonderful wedding photos and get an enlarged copy, have it nicely framed and present it to your MIl. Don't say anything about her nasty facial expression. She can then have a nice reminder of your lovely day with her snarly nasty expression for the day. If she says something, just let her know that was the best shot. The rest were even worse!
Click to expand...


I agree this was my initial thought!! This is the proof in black and white!!!


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## Newlywed718

Agreed. I'm definitely removing myself from this woman, immediately. If you think there's no issue, you're delusional. I will be respected and if you can't handle that then I will kindly remove myself from any interaction from you.

And you're exactly right both need to grow up and they can do that while I do what I need to- not be around negative people.


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## sh987

Newlywed718 said:


> I'm working on this! He spoke to his mom the other day. She says she has no issues with me! Uh really? Your actions speak much louder. Then he has the audacity to say he doesn't think there are issues either (her manipulation). That I'm reading into it. So I have much bigger issues here!!


You were told that this is exactly what would happen, right down to her manipulating him into coming back to you, parroting her talking points. Sorry to say, but you walked right into this one.

Remember:
-She wants you to feed into the drama. She needs it and lives for it. Don't do it.
-She's better at manipulating him than you will ever be. Forget about trying to win here. This woman has been getting to do what she wants since he was born. This is no contest.
-When you get him to call her up, she knows those are your words and not his, and you don't (in her opinion) out-rank her.


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## Newlywed718

True. I said he needed to stand up to the issues and a few weeks past and he dropped by and spoke to her. I honestly do not care if the woman knows it's my words. My words would be much worse haha. I'm sure she read right into it, but better him than me yelling and screaming at her bc at this point that's what it would be .


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## sh987

Newlywed718 said:


> True. I said he needed to stand up to the issues and a few weeks past and he dropped by and spoke to her. I honestly do not care if the woman knows it's my words. My words would be much worse haha. I'm sure she read right into it, but better him than me yelling and screaming at her bc at this point that's what it would be .


She wins either way, doesn't she?

a] You wind him up and send him over, thus giving her an opportunity to impose herself between you and your new husband.

or

b] You give her a piece of your mind, allowing her the chance to cast herself as the victim in a Greek tragedy, with you as the villain.

Your MIL is like a crack addict when it comes to drama: cut her off. If you absolutely can't do that, perhaps you need to examine whether or not you also like/need/want drama in your life? I'm not saying that you DO want that drama, but if we want to solve the problems in our life, we have to sometimes be willing to look at our own role with just as strong a gaze as we do with other people.


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## Newlywed718

Agree, which he spoke to her - right or wrong. She said there were no issues. I'm saying nothing now- I have nothing to say to her. She is not worth it .


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## turnera

Nothing to say to her is nonsense.

The ONLY thing that he will understand from you is this: "I will leave you and file for divorce if you don't learn to to tell your mom to stay out of our marriage."


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## frusdil

Inlaw issues are a major cause of marriage trouble. The problem doesn't lie with them though - the problem is the husband or wife who allows their parents to denigrate their spouse.

Like Turnera said, I too had to enforce boundaries and consequences.

I told my husband that I would no longer tolerate the bs treatment I've received from his family, and that I was done with them. I am happy for him to see them as long as it doesn't take time away from me or our daughter. If they want to see him so badly they can have lunch with him during the work day. I also said that holidays, mothers day, fathers day etc. belong to US and he can fit the inlaws in around us. 

Just yesterday, hubby was meant to go see them for Fathers Day, and he came up to me, hugged me and said "I don't wanna go"...so it's not just me. He called and cancelled, hehe.

Those are my boundaries and the inlaws consequences for their disgusting behaviour. They are truly awful people and me and our daughter couldn't give two sh!ts if we never see them again.


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## frusdil

PS - there's a husband here who's mother was very disparaging of his wife and he told her something like "If you ever speak ill of my wife again, I will never have anything to do with you. If you leave me your home in your will I'll sell it to a junkie for $1, if they don't have $1 I'll give them $1". She's not said a bad word about his wife since.

Absolute hero of a husband - I bet he got very lucky that night  AND he's an only child.


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## Newlywed718

turnera said:


> Nothing to say to her is nonsense.
> 
> The ONLY thing that he will understand from you is this: "I will leave you and file for divorce if you don't learn to to tell your mom to stay out of our marriage."



And this was told to him


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## Newlywed718

frusdil said:


> Inlaw issues are a major cause of marriage trouble. The problem doesn't lie with them though - the problem is the husband or wife who allows their parents to denigrate their spouse.
> 
> Like Turnera said, I too had to enforce boundaries and consequences.
> 
> I told my husband that I would no longer tolerate the bs treatment I've received from his family, and that I was done with them. I am happy for him to see them as long as it doesn't take time away from me or our daughter. If they want to see him so badly they can have lunch with him during the work day. I also said that holidays, mothers day, fathers day etc. belong to US and he can fit the inlaws in around us.
> 
> Just yesterday, hubby was meant to go see them for Fathers Day, and he came up to me, hugged me and said "I don't wanna go"...so it's not just me. He called and cancelled, hehe.
> 
> Those are my boundaries and the inlaws consequences for their disgusting behaviour. They are truly awful people and me and our daughter couldn't give two sh!ts if we never see them again.



Thank you! It has basically come to this. I said if she says there's no issue , then there's not much I can do. But I refuse to be treated like this and will not be going anywhere near her. I also said if he can't stand up and support me then there's no point in being in this marriage. This marriage is him and me not the 3 of us.


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## frusdil

Newlywed718 said:


> Thank you! It has basically come to this. I said if she says there's no issue , then there's not much I can do. But I refuse to be treated like this and will not be going anywhere near her. I also said if he can't stand up and support me then there's no point in being in this marriage. *This marriage is him and me not the 3 of us*.


Exactly. Extended family are guests in your marriage and home. If they play nice they are welcome, if they don't they're not. Simple.


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## Bobby5000

1. You be cordial to your mother in law and limit contact. She does not need to be your best friend. 

2. Get off your husband's case. You know he can't change his mother; what do you expect him to do. Fine he shouldn't have said everything was fine, he trying to do the best he can to moderate and mediate with the two women in his life saying, how weak he is and how he should straighten the other one out. 

You fail to take some responsibility. Before you are married, he can run his own finances and if he wanted to help his sister out that was his business, you shouldn't have butted in. 

If you are otherwise happy with him, limit your involvement with his family and try to stay out of things unless it directly affects you.


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## Bobby5000

"What you really need to do is start reading everything you can find about boundaries and consequences. It will save your marriage and give your H the time to mature and learn he CAN be his own man apart from them." No, No, No. Almost every bad divorce begins the same way. Jane, you have been an enabler, by constantly catering to your husband, you have taught him to be unreasonable because he can thus get his own way. Bob, you are an enabler, your wife has the Queen Bee Syndrome. By constantly bending to her will, you have taught her to be dominant. Stirring the pot this way, both lawyers make about a 100 grand and the couple burns through any savings, home equity, and a bunch of loans each thinking they have been too weak. This are thousands of tough, nasty, dominating woman who are told their chief problem is a lack of assertiveness and a bunch of men the same way. This lady is tough and vocal enough. She need to realize she's not changing the MIL or SIL, and make a reasonable life with her husband. 

On a few critical issues such as further loans she can voice her views, otherwise, work on your marriage. Otherwise the MIL wll win with the wife's constant complaining and harping about his family breaking up the marriage.


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## turnera

Bobby, boundaries and consequences work with everyone. Do you understand how they work? A consequence - as people often think - is NOT a punishment against the other person. It is an action the aggrieved person takes when their boundary is crossed. It does NOT include taking action AGAINST anyone else. It is her simply saying "I understand you feel you have to please both of us; so understand that if that requires you letting your mother badmouth me (boundary crossed), I will protect myself by leaving the house and going for a walk (consequence) - or for longer than a walk, if it goes on longer than that. If you continue to let her badmouth me, well, you'll be doing it alone because I'll continue to leave the house every time it happens. If that's what you need to do, I understand, but I won't participate in it."

It lets him see that she will no longer enable it, it lets him think about his wife having to protect HERSELF since he won't do it, it hopefully makes him feel bad knowing it should be HIM protecting her, and over time it gets him to mature enough to see that his wife is now more important in his life, as it should be, and he will take over the reins of protecting his new family, even from his own mom. And it is the least caustic way to do it.


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## vkolick

Remember that you and your husband are a team - and treat this situation as a team. 

I agree with most people as they are stating to let your husband do the talking - nothing good can come from you talking with MIL at this point (hopefully that will change). 

I've been on the other side of this situation with my mother and husband, so I completely understand his point of view and how hard this situation can be. You don't want to hurt your parents - most likely he has probably felt responsible most of his life for keeping his mom happy. Truth is - she is responsible for her own happiness. 

One tip for you - do not say anything bad about your MIL to (or around) your H. Try not to complain and just state the facts.

Agree on boundaries with your husband, but let him set the boundaries with his family. 

Also, try to see the perspective of your husband and your MIL. He feels stuck, and the MIL is probably feeling that you are taking him away from her - or changing him in some fashion. When you can see another's perspective it often helps keep you calmer. 

Good luck and get on the same page with your H soon!


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## ChargingCharlie

NW718, sorry for the late reply to your post. Others on here are absolutely correct - your husband needs to be the one to stand up to his family. The less that he does so, the more they will just walk all over him. 

We have a similar situation in our family - wife's sister is a total drama queen who is always calling my wife to blather on about her latest drama (we were getting ready to head into Memorial Stadium on Saturday to watch NU get beat by Illinois when her sister called - instead of just telling her that we're heading into the game, she stays outside on the phone for 45 minutes). Because my wife won't set boundaries with her sister, her sister continues to pester us with this crap (she also owes us several thousand $ because we've had to pay for her attorney and her vacation home which she received in one of her many divorces). Whenever I express my opinion that her sister is nothing but a drama queen and a mooch, wife gets upset and claims that I hate her whole family (need to add that their brother doesn't put up with the drama queen's crap, which is why he never gets any calls from her). It's gotten to the point where I don't even talk about her.

Point of this dissertation is that your husband needs to put his foot down and tell them that he's married to you, not them. If he doesn't do this, then you'll have a whole host of issues. My wife seems to think that her sister and I are equal priority in her life, which is a major issue, IMO.


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