# Separated for 6 weeks now...



## jaimalame (Sep 22, 2010)

Here is a little background...

I have been with my husband for a little over 4 years, we have been married almost 6 months, separated 6 weeks. We have a 5 month old son as well. He has not filed any papers so we are only separated by him not living in our home really.. No legal stuff.

My husband out of the blue up and left August 11th. He is currently staying at his parents house. Our son and I are in our family home still. He still visits pretty much everyday or at least every other day. We talk on the phone if needed but also text.

The reason my husband left was because he said I was unappreciative and controlling, and he was tired of living under my thumb. Yes I agree I was controlling and I did not show appreciation when it was needed. He provided for our family and I should have been much more appreciative. I realize all this now, but of course he says it is to late. He is by no means an angel though, he is always lying, wether it be little pointless lies or big lies. He cheated on me 2 years ago for a whole month before I found out (I had suspicions though which he denied). I got past that and we moved on.

Anyways at the beginning of him leaving I would cry and beg him everyday to come home, he always said no, that his mind was made up. I tried everything from crying, threatening, ignoring him etc. Two weeks ago we agreed that when he came over we would get along as a family with the baby, and since then things were good, we would laugh and enjoy eachother while he was over. We did have sex once about 3 weeks ago. We have NOT kissed since he has left. He hugs me goodbye everytime he leaves the house the last 3 weeks or so. He said he does not want to give me a chance even though I may deserve one.. but he did say that he would do things that I thought may help him in wanting to come home, as in hanging out with me alone after the baby goes to bed, or coming over earlier for dinner if I wanted to make something. I let this go on for 2 & a half weeks or so and I asked if he had felt any different.. he said No, that he still feels the same and does not want to come home, but he does like the way things are when he comes over. He knows that it kills me seeing him and acting happy but I told him I would do it for him since it was my best chance at him coming back home. He says he misses things like our home and seeing the baby everyday, and he misses things about us as well. He said if he misses everything so much he cannot stand it he will come home, but again he says he does not see that happening.

Then on Sunday he ditched us, he was supposed to come over at 6, had shut off his phone, then turned it on around 7:30 to text me to tell me he was busy playing guitar, and he would come over later. I was LIVID. So mad that guitar was more important than spending time with our son, and for the fact that he couldn't even tell me he wasn't coming over until hours after he was supposed to. I finally got ahold of him around 9:30 when he turned his phone back on and he said he was going to come over then, I laughed at him and said it was nice of him to have time for us at finally and hung up. I waited and texted him to let him know though that I was only mad at him and I hope he understood why, and that I wasn't not going to let him see the baby (Like I had done at other times I got mad), he replied and said he was wrong and that he was sorry. I didn't say anything. 

Since then he has been the one to text me, because I will not text him first or call him. Usually I text him at night time espically and tell him I love him and miss him and those sort of things, but I haven't since he did this on Sunday. He texted me yesterday and asked if he could come over and I said yes, when he was here I did not really talk to him I acted as though I did not care, but I was not *****y, I answered questions if he asked me them etc. When the baby went to bed he sat down as though he was going to hang out but I hadn't said a word to him, so about 10 minutes later he said he was leaving, I said Cya, and he left. Now normally if I was not mad at him I would have asked why he was leaving so early and asked him to stay longer. I also did not text him last night. Today he texted me to ask how me and our son were doing, I said Good, you? He replied "Fine". I did not reply. He texted me in the evening and asked if he could come over tonight to see the baby and I said I was going to the movies, he replied "Oh Cool". I did not reply and he has not texted me since either. 

Now my big thing here is do you think he is coming around? My friend says he sounds like he is because he knows I am mad and he does not have me wrapped around his finger right now. He has done so many mean things since he has left which I would just let go. For example, I found out that during our whole relationship he was still speaking to and visiting his ex-girlfriend, only as friends but he knew I would not be okay with that. He also drove her to a city 5 hours away 2 years ago, bought her flowers a few weeks ago, and had tried to kiss her after he had left me, she told me everything, and I have still to blow up at him about it, but because I "was" wrapped around his finger I wouldn't dare because I know it would just make him angry, so I thought if I waited until we were on stable ground it would be better to bring up. Anyways... acting like I do not care, will this get him wondering, honestly? Or should I go back to being sweet and all over him smothering him with loving texts and laughing with him while he is over. I just want him to think I am not wrapped around his finger, even though if he wanted to come home at ANYtime I would let him. How long would I need to carry this little act on for do you think before he started to come around? Any other ideas about my situation... I love him VERY much and really want him to come home. Initially I said he would be home by October, but I don't think that anymore. I just hope he comes home soon, he is my best friend and I am so lonely without him. I am trying my hardest to not let him see that anymore but it is VERY hard!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

do you want the relationship back together?

word of advice: don't let this drag on. it'll take on a life of it's own. trust me. my opinion is from experience. be proactive. laying back will only allow the dark side of things to grow.


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## jaimalame (Sep 22, 2010)

Yes I want us to come back together more than anything. I am only acting like I do not care so he learns that he cannot walk all over me right now espicially since I am so vulnerable and willing to do anything. I love him more than words and I wish it did not take this separation for me to realize it, but unfortunately it has.


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

This is the hardest part for the person that is left behind. My wife left me and I have no idea what to do. My therapist does both my wife and I on separate visits. I usually go with what my therapist says because she is listening to my wife. I still have those tough days where I get on here and act irrational and post stupid stuff. Or I will go off the deep end and start calling and texting my wife. 

I started off doing positive things for my wife. Texting her at night to let her know that I love her. Give her gifts. Write her love letters. When I saw her to pick up my daughter I would say how nice she looked. I would tell her how I missed her. The therapist says this stuff causes guilt for my spouse. Since she can't say the same things back to me it makes her feel more guilty. It also may of been pushing her away. She eventually told me to stop and unfriended me on facebook. I have reduced the amount that I do but not totally. I still let her know that I love her.

I just can't bring myself to be mean right now. No contact sucks for me. Im not ready to completely go no contact. Plus I have a child and there is going to be some contact. I have friends that say that I baby her to much. Give in to her needs to much. Make her separation from me to easy. They tell me to take a more manly role and to act like I don't care. Quit taking her texts and calls. Let her watch our child on the weekends and go out more. Stuff like that. Kind of like how your husband comes over with new cloths and flaunts the fact that he is doing well and doesn't need you. 

My therapist said she would schedule a couples therapy day eventually when she thinks my wife is ready. Even if what my wife has to say is still negative. I will try hard to stay positive. That is all that I can do. 

Hope something I said helps. Try therapy if you haven't been before. I didn't think I would like it but its great. I also started to go back to church. Church is positive and uplifting. I never leave church sad.


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