# WHY?????



## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

One question I have is "WHY"?????

Why couldn't they just say look I am not happy I want out and be done - that I could deal with - but why do cheating spouses think that it is "okay" to have an affair as long as you don't know about it and then bam you find out and they are Oh so sorry, I messed up, how stupid am I - blah blah blah......

What - did a light bulb go on in your head when I found out and you suddenly realized it was "WRONG"!! You weren't thinking the whole time you were having sex etc with someone else that it was "WRONG" then!! 

I DON"T GET IT!!!! AND IT IS JUST DRIVING ME CRAZY!!! It is driving me crazy because he had so little disregard for my feelings, self esteem, me as his wife, our children, he took my life and health in his own hands wihtout my consent, - as long as I didn't know it was ok and I wasn't being hurt right?????? 

Sorry - had to get that off my chest............


----------



## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

I understand exactly how you feel, and don't have a clue about the cheaters line of thinking......and it drives me CRAZY to think about it!

I wish I could get past some of these thoughts and feelings. I feel like I am at a standstill and I don't know how to move on. 

I'm not familiar with your story...are you trying to stay together?


----------



## beyond betrayal (Jul 21, 2009)

I just left you a message on my post but thats a good question. See my bf said he knew it was wrong. He tried to fight it the first time then the next 2 I guess he said forget it. She threw herself on him so he took it. He felt guilty and cut it off but I'll never understand how he did it in the first place let along 3 times. 

Like you he took my health and life in his own hands. And the child? Why even disregard her? Disrespect me. The stupidity of cheaters is just so overwhelming. Like you said hey if you're not happy just leave. It will make everything so much easier. When they don't it causes you to spaz out and lose your mind. My mind is so gone its not even funny. And the kids may not know all but they know somethings up. 

Just fyi to cheaters...if you are unhappy leave us alone. Don't endanger us. Don't lie to us. Don't make us nuts. Don't break us down. Man up or step down.

Hm. I hope that makes you feel better my little rant. Tell them to take that!!!!!


----------



## jamie31709 (Jul 1, 2009)

i ask why all the time but of course all i get is the because im stupid, i dont know why, we were having problems i gave into temptation all lame excuses if u ask me! i love my fiance and i try my best to get past it but i often wonder how can he love me and be so willing to completely crush me and our family? i wish all the cheaters could know what it feels like to have ur heart ripped out because maybe if they felt what we did they wouldnt do it.


----------



## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Coming from a reformed cheater...the why's are many and varied depending on the person. For me...I was to chicken to just leave my marriage. We had a child, we had a house, etc. etc. It was an escape, something that made my real life more bearable. It was someone who liked me for who I was, who recognized that I was pretty, smart, funny, etc. etc. Everything my husband didn't seem to (he was borderline emotionally abusive). I think it was my way of getting out. It built me up, where for years I had been pushed down.

Was it right? No Will I ever do it again? No - what I wasn't thinking about were the repercussions past just me and my hubby....my child, my family, his family, friends, etc. etc.

Just thought it might give you some insight....


----------



## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

still reeling said:


> and then bam you find out and they are Oh so sorry, I messed up, how stupid am I - blah blah blah......


At least you got that much. Many of us never get that--only blame.




still reeling said:


> I DON"T GET IT!!!! AND IT IS JUST DRIVING ME CRAZY!!! It is driving me crazy because he had so little disregard for my feelings, self esteem, me as his wife, our children, he took my life and health in his own hands wihtout my consent, - as long as I didn't know it was ok and I wasn't being hurt right??????


That's a cheater for you--they are SELFISH! It is part of the character flaw. Sorry you are having to deal with this.


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Although I do not doubt being cheated on hurts like hell, and damages beyond repair, I doubt it is the intent of a cheater to do all the damage.

I think cheating cannot be summarized and packaged very neatly and categorized into just one entity.

I don't think there is a spouse who ever wants to cheat or does it without trepidation.

People don't *want* to cheat and look like a weak loser who hurts those they care most about. They are human, they are not perfect, they have moments of weakness and terrible judgment; they have a spouse who isn't listening sometimes or putting in enough effort to recognize signals other than verbal confrontation, and sometimes a spouse HAS been warned verbally, face to face but the spouse STILL does not heed the issues.

And YES, if a spouse finds themselves on the verge of cheating, they need to get out if the spouse is not listening or doing anything to change. Life is better in theory than in reality.

There have been times in our marriage where I was not available to my spouse. For whatever reason. If he'd cheated, I'd have said "No wonder, I was being..." this or that. LIFE is such partners cannot always be PERFECT. 

The last person that was perfect, I hear they crucified him.


----------



## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Can I just say...thank you for your energy?! :iagree: The whole thing is ridiculous!!! These cheaters are selfish, lazy, liars. Can we learn to love the other parts of them anyway? Well I am trying - and can say I do. But damn, its hard and it is NOT forgotten. My H is SOOOO over it - and wonders why I even bother thinking about it. He says I'm intentionally holding onto it to punish him. Ah, selfish perhaps? That's right darling, I'm holding on to this just to hurt you, just to remind you, just to keep alive the pain, because I have nothing better to do. :scratchhead: Anyway, I have found a way to focus on the love part - but at the same time I've come to feel that my marriage is on a month-to-month lease = might be in it forever, or it might be over at the month's end. Not sure why this helps me. Perhaps I just try to live each day as its own - not past and not future, just today. Thanks for the energy and in a sick way, the smile.


----------



## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

TNgirl232 said:


> Coming from a reformed cheater...the why's are many and varied depending on the person. For me...I was to chicken to just leave my marriage. We had a child, we had a house, etc. etc. It was an escape, something that made my real life more bearable. It was someone who liked me for who I was, who recognized that I was pretty, smart, funny, etc. etc. Everything my husband didn't seem to (he was borderline emotionally abusive). I think it was my way of getting out. It built me up, where for years I had been pushed down.
> 
> Was it right? No Will I ever do it again? No - what I wasn't thinking about were the repercussions past just me and my hubby....my child, my family, his family, friends, etc. etc.
> 
> Just thought it might give you some insight....


No offense but a reformed cheater doesnt exist. It's like an old joke I used to tell. 4 people are standing at opposite ends of a crossroads. On the north side is the easter bunny. On the southside is santa claus. To the east is a snail. To the west is a reformed cheater. If they all raced to the center..who would win? The snail. Because the other three dont exist.

I see life as mostly black and white Im afraid. There are rules to marriage. If you dont like what your getting, you get a divorce. No excuses. THEN you go out and find someone to make you feel good. What you dont do is not like your marriage, go get yourself some action on the side, then get divorced after your partner finds you out. This system also stops people from being able to use all the excuses they like to make themselves feel better about cheating on their spouses.

I would never have a relationship with someone who has cheated. Atleast, never again. Made that mistake once. I cant imagine a woman out there who is soo incredible as to warrant the risk again. You are much better served by finding someone who has been cheated on before, they seem to know the value of marriage vows and the value of fidelity.

Im sure your a nice person. And probably quite a catch. But please, in a world full of so many hurt people by cheaters, dont come with the title of reformed cheater. 



John


----------



## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Oh well, to each his own - I don't know you from Adam so I wouldn't attempt to judge you or know what you would or would not do in the future, so I'd appreciate the same  - All that matters is my new husband knows my complete history (something I didn't have to share, as my ex never even knew I cheated) and loves me anyway and still wanted to get married. I'm sorry for whoever hurt you and you have the right to chose who you want to be with just like everyone else. I was just trying to provide part of the answer to the question of Why?


----------



## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

Stillinshock - I agree on the "month-to-month" lease, it is almost like if I look at it day to day and not long term it is not so overwhelming. Forever now seems so daunting. 

Beyond - yes your little rant did help!! LOL Thanks

Sandy55 - I hope that you never have to experience being cheated on - I am pretty sure that if you do ever have to you won't be sitting back saying: "No wonder, I was being..." this or that. Most that are on here are only guilty of trying to do too much for everyone else instead of for ourselves, I am guilty of being pregnant and taking care of our one year old, running a business, working part time, taking care of our family. I am not saying that I am perfect and that there wern't flaws in my behavior in "taking care of him" but I as well as just about everyone else on this board did not deserve this. I was not abusive, I never degraded him, I did everything for him - EVERYTHING!! I am only guilty of not taking better care of myself. 

TNgirl232 - I am hoping that nothingman is wrong about you and that you never go down that path again. I am happy for you that you have found someone that makes you happy. I need to believe that people really do change, if not, than all is lost. 

Raising5boys - yes we are working through this. He wants to let it go, however he will listen when I need to talk about it. I came here because I needed to connect with people who truly understood what I was going through. I agreed that I wouldn't tell any of our family or friends about the affairs. And I don't regret that, sometimes adding that to the mess is just worse, I know in our case it would have been a really bad decision. However, I still need to talk to someone - so here I am. Everyday sometimes can be a challenge, but coming here and hashing through this has really been theraputic for me. As long as I keep looking forward, keep reminding myself how far we have come this last year, I can keep going.


----------



## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Still Reeling: I feel for you, because I have been there. It sucks, and it takes a lot of dedication to get past it. One thing I do have to disagree with is your statement to Sandy:" I hope that you never have to experience being cheated on - I am pretty sure that if you do ever have to you won't be sitting back saying: "No wonder, I was being..." this or that."
I am guilty of doing too much and not allowing time for ME...well, I was, but not now. However, I CAN most certainly see things that went on within our relationship that contributed to my H cheating. Granted, most of it stemmed from things within him vs. in our relationship, but yeah, there were times when I told him he was being ridiculous instead of listening when he told me he was feeling trapped in the house all winter with our kids, there were times when I totally negated HIS feelings about our situation, and yeah, I WAS in the wrong for that. DId I deserve it? NO!! And he has NEVER tried to place the blame on me, never made me feel inferior...but having been on the receiving end of the cheating, and having gained a whole lot of perspective on the subject since, I know that there were things I *should* have done to let him know that his feelings were valid. Live and learn, and we have come out of it all BETTER than when we went into it, which, for us, is the important part.


----------



## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

still reeling said:


> TNgirl232 - I am hoping that nothingman is wrong about you and that you never go down that path again. I am happy for you that you have found someone that makes you happy. I need to believe that people really do change, if not, than all is lost.



I hope I'm wrong too. But so far, it has been my experience that I am not wrong. I think it's a DNA thing. Like a cheater gene. Or rather, a gene that let's not consider the damage you do to other people so long as your happy. Let's call it the "Oh my god, how could you possibly be so selfish you sonofa(insert gender here)" gene.



John


----------



## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

:lol: Nothingman - I feel your pain!!

Mommybean - You give me hope! I am so glad to hear that someone has been able to come through to the other side with positive affects! You are right - there is plenty in our relationship that I could have done different or better. But it becomes a vicious cycle of you taking on so many responsilibities and your spouse saying that is ok with me that you start to resent all of it and don't want to do for the other person anymore. We are working on sharing some of those responiblities so that we can have time for each other instead of it all being one sided (usually mine). And that is getting better. I was so busy doing "everything" that it left him to have an affair because he had no responsiblities around here.


----------

