# Where do we start, getting a D



## LonelyHiker (Dec 15, 2020)

So, I have no idea where to even start. This will be amicable

Married 20 years, we live in Michigan. We have 4 kids, I am the income (salary is around 95k a year). She has her degree and has worked on and off in the past. She is currently substitute teaching.

I am very worried that after alimony/child support (I want 50/50); that I won't have anything left to even get an apartment or a place where I can take the kids when I have them. Does the court consider this when deciding financial arrangements? I obviously have to take care of the kids and her (she was a stay at home mom for almost 20 years).

1. What is step 1?

2. What are some support or help groups that helped you when you were in the process. I have few friends and basically no family. I am scared and feeling very alone. She is probably too, BUT she has someone already on the side that she became best friends with (over texting) and he has already said he basically loves her (so she has a comforter already by her side and emotional security moving forward).

Thanks,


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

LonelyHiker said:


> What is step 1?


Find a divorce lawyer and consult with them.



LonelyHiker said:


> 2. What are some support or help groups that helped you when you were in the process. I have few friends and basically no family. I am scared and feeling very alone.


When I went through the dissolution of my first marriage, I didn't use any support groups (if such things even existed back then?). What helped me was getting on with living a life outside of my ex-wife. I am sure that some of the guys here can offer you some great support and advice.



> BUT she has someone already on the side that she became best friends with (over texting) and he has already said he basically loves her (so she has a comforter already by her side and emotional security moving forward).


Given your many years of repeatedly serially cheating on your wife over and over again, I'm glad your wife is finally moving forward and will have someone by her side.

That said chin up, don't be afraid of starting over and good luck to you.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

LonelyHiker said:


> So, I have no idea where to even start. This will be amicable
> 
> Married 20 years, we live in Michigan. We have 4 kids, I am the income (salary is around 95k a year). She has her degree and has worked on and off in the past. She is currently substitute teaching.
> 
> ...


I agree, your best bet is to call a lawyer TODAY to get the specific answers to your questions for your state. But in general, no judge is going to expect you to support her being a stay at home mom after you've divorced. She is not disabled, your kids are almost all old enough to not need any childcare, she is going to be expected to work.

As for support groups and such, you should be able to find divorce groups if you want that kind of support, or just stay in the church that has been supporting you with your recovery already. I know it seems like she has something special with this other guy, but I give it 6 months at the most, and half that if they actually live close enough to "date". YOU are in a good position even if you can't see it yet, and I think this will be something that works out best for both of you - you won't have the burden of being the source of pain for her anymore, and she will now be forced to take some responsibility for her own healing, her own choices, and her own happiness.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

My take is you'll get to pay temporary alimony until the count believes she's has time to get a job. If she has teaching credentials, the court will likely allow her to get up to speed with getting re-certified. You didn't say how old your kids are but you will pay child support until the children at 18 in most states, and until the end of the school year if they turn 18 during the school year. They can ask the court to extend alimony payment after 18 in certain circumstance (school year extended, illness, disability). General information only. I did not practice family law. Do not construe this as legal advice. Consult an attorney ASAP.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Lawyer up before she takes you to the cleaners. Unfortunately, you have put yourself in a very financially vulnerable position by marrying at SAHM. With four kids in tow, assuming they are under 18, she is heading for a big pay day. She already has a guy who presumably is beta and will be her white knight. It’s way to early to tell yourself this will be amicable. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. If she’s willing to listen, try to hammer out a fair agreement early, like now.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

So, @LonelyHiker , I see you live in the USA, so I personally recommend that you find the divorce laws for your state and read them yourself: Divorce Laws in All 50 States « On this page, you can find your state (because each state varies so much), and it will open sort of a little summary page. On the summary state page, it give the link right to your state's divorce laws online...like this: "*Statute:* ___State Divorce Code (Title 2X, Chapters, 2X.XX): apps.leg.<state>.gov" Click on that and read them, even if you just go at it slowly. The idea is that YOU know your situation better than anyone, and you need to know what your rights are. When you go to an attorney, the attorney does not know the ins and outs of everything, so they will only guide you based on what you reveal and what evidence you have for your case. Read and learn so that you are knowledgeable and able to help your lawyer help you.

Next, I'd say begin to figure out separating your finances. In other words, let's say right now you and the Mrs. have a joint checking account where all funds are deposited, and a little saving account that has an automatic transfer, and each paycheck has some sort of withdrawal for a retirement account. Being divorced MEANS that you have your own personal and private finances...and she has her own personal and private finances. *Right now, she is using you for money, period.* So don't ask her "what she wants to do" but rather think what YOU think YOU want to do (what is fair and reasonable), and then figure out how to do what you think is right. 

For example, you may decide to set up your own checking account, deposit your paycheck to your checking account, keep adding to the savings and retirement (for now), and write her a monthly check for what would be the equivalent of what she'd get with child support and alimony (if any). Using round numbers, let's say your paycheck is $6000/month. Let's say using your state's calculator that alimony would be $1200 and CS for 4 kids is $1500. So you deposit your check in YOUR new account, you continue with savings and retirement, and you write her two checks: for $1200 maintenance and $1500 child support (you end up with $3300/mo and she ends up with $2700/mo). YOU pay any bills from your portion that are applicable to only you or half of the kids. SHE pays any bills from her portion that are applicable to her and half of the kids. In other words--set up a new checking account and be fair but stop paying for her affair. 

Final thoughts: I'm sure looking at the money example above you feel like "how can I possibly live on $3300/mo?" but here's a reality check for you. This is the cost of choosing to commit adultery. At any time she could choose to stop, block the OM, repent, and do the right thing, and she would have all the resources of YOU and the whole family behind her both financially and emotionally. But if she chooses to continue in adultery, then the natural consequence is that she is firing you from being her "best friend" and her "financial provider." She may get some maintenance, but with a college degree and some work, she will be expected to provide for herself at some point (like after 5 years or so). Same the child support--once they hit 18yo, that stops. One way or another, if she wants to divorce over this boy she's cheating with, then SHE is responsible for HER OWN SELF financially and emotionally. If you stretch this out, keep "being friendly" hoping to convince her to stay, and keep paying for her infidelity, you are not allowing her to learn a life lesson that she needs to learn! Please respect her enough to let her learn that her choices have benefits... AND COSTS!


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

You don't know that the divorce is going to be amicable. Things can turn sour very quickly when one or both sides think they're getting a raw deal.

If you have in fact repeatedly cheated on your wife don't think for a single minute she isn't resentful and looking for the opportunity for revenge at your past actions and deception. 

I suggest NOT involving attorneys except maybe as a consultant. Try mediation first and see if you can work out a settlement before going the litigated route with adversarial attorneys. 

The courts do not give a rat's ass about your financial position post divorce. If you have to live on a friends couch for the next 10 years then that's what it's going to be, don't expect any sympathy from a judge.


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