# Need advice from a husband...please



## JLH3 (Jan 22, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. I love him with all my heart and we have an amazing 3 year old son. We have always had a rocky relationship and things are always a roller coaster...a few weeks of things being great and then a few days of things being horrible. 

Lately things have been really bad and he has said things that are very hard for me to forget or forgive.

A little background: He started a new job and started hanging out with some new friends. One being a 20 year old female (he's 28) that was sleeping with another co-worker (who is was in a 6 year relationship) I work early and my husband works 2nd shift so I always go to bed early. He has had conversations with her late at night, after I go to bed and talk about her boobs and how sexy she is. He chats with her and doesn't close the chat box and then gets mad at me for asking him about it. 

He say horrible things to me me, like I'm an embarrassment and he doesn't want his friends over when I am home. That he doesn't want to spend time with me and that all girls at work think I'm a big *****...He makes me feel like it is my fault and that I'm wrong for questioning his "friendships" with female co-workers. 

Am I wrong??? Please, any advice...anything. I need to understand why he is acting this way and why he won't just be honest with me.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He is being verbally abusive to you and has you questioning your own judgment. He won't be honest with you b/c he does not respect you--you do not demand respect from him, so why should he? Abusers don't care about their victim's feelings, they just care to have control. And clearly, he is controlling you if you fall so easily prey to his "claim" that it is "your fault" for questioning him. Please look up information on verbal abuse and decide how much longer you want to put up with it. Start working with a counselor to figure out why you love someone who treats you so badly. Good luck.


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## JLH3 (Jan 22, 2010)

Thank you for your response. 

I don't feel like I am giving him control but lately it has just been easier for me not to address it...maybe that is how it all starts. I still call him out on things but it is met with a defensive attitude about how ungrateful I am. I know...verbally abusive. I know that and I don't like it but I am trying to stand my ground. I know it sounds cliche but the good time (about 90%) are so so good but the other 10% are bad, are him trying to make me question things. I feel like he is sabotaging the relationship...like he doesn't have the balls to call it quits so he is trying to make my life bad enough that I do. I also feel that I can't give him that satisfaction...that he has to man up and do. 

IDK...thanks though.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

You don't really need advice from a "husband" on this. It is not normal husband behavior and it is not acceptable.

Sisters nailed it with her post - good luck.


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## Quads123 (May 27, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> You don't really need advice from a "husband" on this. It is not normal husband behavior and it is not acceptable.
> 
> Sisters nailed it with her post - good luck.


X2 cant agree more!


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> He is being verbally abusive to you and has you questioning your own judgment. He won't be honest with you b/c he does not respect you--you do not demand respect from him, so why should he? Abusers don't care about their victim's feelings, they just care to have control. And clearly, he is controlling you if you fall so easily prey to his "claim" that it is "your fault" for questioning him. Please look up information on verbal abuse and decide how much longer you want to put up with it. Start working with a counselor to figure out why you love someone who treats you so badly. Good luck.


Dead on! Learn to respect yourself and demand that others in your life do the same.


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## NicoleT (Jun 4, 2010)

Hey JLH3. I am a wife (been on here before but not as an active member, really) and my situation (except for the child and the background, but the verbal abuse, the disrespect, the roller coaster up and down, the nastiness, the rockiness, the length of time we've been married even, is all the same. So I need to ask, if I may, did you do something to betray your husband's trust, like lie about a major thing, cheat on him at some point, anything like that? I dont care what others on this forum think or say and neither should you but I would to know, if you dont mind answering.

The reason I ask, is because I 'cheated' on my husband before we were married. I say 'cheated' because I feel - not justified exactly - but more like _excused_ given the circumstances. The details are lo-oong and I wont go into them at this stage but he told me this morning that 'the knowledge' is slowly killing him and he cant live like this any more'. 

If you want to PM me feel free. God knows I need a friend or two right now.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I am going to be really honest with you. He sounds like a real *******. He is having a HIGHLY inappropriate relationship with a known cheater and seems to have no issue throwing it in your face. In fact he leaves all the details up for you to find. He then tells you that you are an embarassment to him and the women at his job thinks you are a *****. What kind of a person says that?! He took vows to love, honor and respect you and he has broken all three of those vows. He then makes you question yourself like you are the bad guy in all of this and no doubt shreading your self esteem in the process. I can hear it in your post that you are hurting and who wouldn't given what you are going through! 
I am not an advocate for divorce but I think you may want to strongly consider removing this malignancy from your life. You are young, your son is young and very resiliant at his age and you deserve alot better than your husband is showing you. You have only been married 4 years. Do you really want to be 15 years into this with possibly more children and realize that things never got better....they just got worse? 
Big big hugs to you my dear. You are worth so much more than this!


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