# For the Betrayed....IF



## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

If your wife cheats on you, and you end up making the decision to reconcille, that makes you a:

Fool? Loser? Compasionate? Doormat? Forgiving? Sucker?

I am really struggling with these emotions...part of me wants to hurt her back so much by NOT letting her come back under any circumstances. I know its killing her not to be here.

Deep down I still love her....my kids need her. 

So far the "no contacts" have been delivered. Exposure in a big way happened even though I wrote I wouldnt. I did and it was the right thing to do. We had our first couseling session. More are scheduled. While in town for the session, I invited her to have dinner with the kids and I....and I got through it without tearing her head off or puking.....it just wasnt that bad....and I am mad at myself for not being more mad at her.

I feel if I let her come back then she "wins". She got to have her affairs and she gets to come back. Was she thinking that all along? Did she make the consious decision to have the affairs betting that after 20+ years that I would eventially take her back? Obviously our lives are much much much different this week than last week....but it still seems unfair.


Jet


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Jet said:


> I feel if I let her come back then she "wins". She got to have her affairs and she gets to come back. Was she thinking that all along? Did she make the consious decision to have the affairs betting that after 20+ years that I would eventially take her back? Obviously our lives are much much much different this week than last week....but it still seems unfair.
> 
> 
> Jet


You know, my STBEH actually told me that he thought I would get over it more quickly and take him back. 

He said other women had taken their cheating spouses back. 

He bet wrong. 

My STBEH was NOT acting as remorseful as yours is. 

My STBEH does not now want the divorce and is acting remorseful now. 

It's just all so sad, because I still love him, too, but the lack of trust will destroy me. 

I hated who I became....the suspicious, snoopy, possessive type of woman i have always hated and never was prior. 

I hated myself mostly when I was around him.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

"depends"


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## Dewy (Aug 29, 2012)

It is unfair Jet. it could be that you will never fully trust her and that will make for a very unhappy life, and at some point she will get tired of it and give up herself.

Stay with the 180 awhile longer, to give your self time , remem,ber there is no time limit.
the more it kills her to be away the deeper it will sink in NOT TO CHEAT


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> "depends"


OP, each circumstance is unique and depends on what the extent of the infidelity is (how long, how many times, more than one person?) and the extent of the spouse's remorse - especially their actions. I can't recall your story off the top of my head, but I think a brief (simplistic) check list would be:


How much do you love her?
Is she showing true remorse by her actions?
Is she a serial cheater?
Are you willing to put the time and effort in to ensure that she's keeping to her word (if reconciling)?
Do you think you could ever trust her again given time plus your wife committing to transparency through her actions?
Can you deal with the fact that another man (or men?) have had sex with your wife?

This would be my criteria. Keep in mind, I've not had to deal with infidelity in my marriage, so take it for what it's worth.

Edit: Based on what I read in your original thread, I would not. She violated bullets 2, 3 and possibly 4. If she showed true remorse, she would have told you everything up front without you having to dig for it. Also, she had more than one affair partner (would be an automatic deal breaker for me btw). Bullet 4 may be too early to judge, but it's not looking good. Disclosure about my opinion though is that if it was my wife I would divorce her even if it was only one affair partner and her affair was brief. Maybe I could forgive a ONS - Maybe...


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Don't over-analyse it.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

> If your wife cheats on you, and you end up making the decision to reconcille, that makes you a:
> 
> Fool? Loser? Compasionate? Doormat? Forgiving? Sucker?


I felt like all of the above. 

It does depend on who you ask...you will get different answers. It also depends on the WW spouses effort towards a true R. Some folks are more tolerant and forgiving then others. The only opinion that matters in the end, is yours.

I felt all of these things at one point or another...and still do. I put 100% into R with my STBXWW for about a year. She never did the things necessary on her part to successfully R and heal me and us. 

I never got the whole honest truth from her, I never got openness and transparency. I never got passwords. She did not make me feel valued or important. I did get blame shifting, rug sweeping, defensiveness, multiple D days, and tons of TT. Basically I got the minimum effort and she was not willing to give up anything...secrecy, GNO's...etc. I never saw true remorse from her.

So you can see, in my situation, I got to a point where I felt like all of those things and realized she was not going to do anything to relieve this. The only way for me to not feel like this was to file for D and move on. If you feel like a fool, loser, doormat...etc, then she isn't or hasn't done enough of the heavy lifting to take that off of you.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Jet, most of us BS have been there with feelings of Fool? Loser? Compasionate? Doormat? Forgiving? Sucker?

Pick one on any given day. Doing R or D each have their pros and cons and both suck.. In my situation I am not home during the week and have not been since October 2011 due to my work situation and it has really made R harder then it should be. But I am slowly moving forward. It is unfair and that is something at some point you may be able to lay to rest. It does get better but it still sucks.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

It makes you a better person than your lying, cheating spouse.


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## Pyroguy (Aug 28, 2012)

I would have to agree with Plan9...more than one affair would be a dealbreaker. Since I'm on my second marriage (18 years) after my first one of 7 years fell apart because of infidelity (multiple), we both consider that since we've been victims of this and know the pain and loss of trust it causes, neither of us gets a second chance.

As far as "revenge" cheating, don't stoop to that level. What makes you the person in the right is the fact that you have been the loyal one. Keep it that way. Your kids need you to stay loyal...two wrongs don't make a right, and BOTH of you cheating won't help your relationship at all.

It's good that "deep down", you still love her. Love is a good emotion, and as the expression goes, the world needs more of it. However, there is another expression that says "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, then it's yours. If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with" (paraphrase). You may feel love for her, but if she doesn't reciprocate, then she isn't yours...she wants to belong to someone else.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Forget about justice. There's no one. It's a gigantic sh!t sandwitch you have yo eat, bit by bit, if you choose to stay. No compensation, no punishment enough, no get even. The boat sailed it already. No way back.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

In the end, cheaters never win. They still have to live with themselves.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Jet, I don't think the decision "makes you" anything one way or the other. Don't allow yourself to be labeled by the decision. Look critically at your situation. She's a serial cheater. Most folks here would tell you that she has a very high chance of doing it again, only with more stealth. There's something broken in her, in your marriage, or both. I personally would have a hard time trusting her...ever. Can you even envision feeling safe again in a marriage to this woman? If not, you have your answer.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Another thought: when I went thru this I felt like the biggest loser in the world. But that didn't make me a loser. I realized that when I stopped acting like one.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

river rat said:


> I realized that when I stopped acting like one.


So true!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jet said:


> If your wife cheats on you, and you end up making the decision to reconcille, that makes you a:
> 
> Fool? Loser? Compasionate? Doormat? Forgiving? Sucker?
> 
> ...


Or it makes you a good man, that she was foolish to cheat on?

It's a tough road that some of us have been down. Good luck. We'll be here for you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think if you are the one making the decision to D or R and you are doing it not out of fear then you are in control and a guy in control is never a looser. He's the boss.

As for her winning, I guess that all depends on how you allow the future relationship to be. If you were to rugsweep and let her just return to the good old days and ways, then yes she won.

If you redefine the relationship to have strict boundaries and her knowing there are stricter consequences for crossing those boundaries, then she doesn't win.

Above all she must be remorseful and she must accept full transparency permanently.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Jet said:


> If your wife cheats on you, and you end up making the decision to reconcille, that makes you a:
> 
> Fool? Loser? Compasionate? Doormat? Forgiving? Sucker?
> 
> ...


Ya "Winning" is what she is huh ?? There are no winners or losers in these situations there are various degrees of losing on both sides. The vast majority of affairs are affairing down in comparison to the BS so although it may look like she is winning if so why does she want to come back and reconcile ??? I feel that depending upon how much effort she puts into the marriage going forward will give you the answers you need. Your feelings going up and down are normal in this type of situation a good friend of mine told me never to make any decisions based upon emotions as these shall pass keep working on yourself doing things for you and the kids and your self esteem will return 

Good Luck


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Ummm.... yes. All of the above. The hardest part about R once the dust and debris settles is forgiving yourself. She did ‘win’ as far as being allowed to stay married to you and getting a better marriage (at least in my case). She ‘lost’ because without her affairs, if we’d just done the work, we could have been even stronger. So, it will always be ‘less than’ it could have been. 

And me... I waffle around a lot still at 3-1/2 years out between feeling like a complete loser and having such a screwed up life thus far; And feeling on top of the world because we’re making it and I actually enjoy being in this new relationship with her. At this point, I know it is mostly me doing this to myself.... hence forgiveness of self IS important, but extremely difficult. My mind often wanders to the idea that I still wouldn’t be tormented by her adultery if I had just left and closed that chapter of my life. I’d have a new life.... And on the flip side, my mind also looks forward to spending tomorrow, next week, next month, etc. with her. Feels insane, but I just roll with it hoping time will let the rest fade.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

And if she wins you back, well that is a good outcome for you, the children and your formerly WS?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

If your wife is a serial cheater or was engaged in a LTA and you still want her back, then you're a fool

If your wife dumped you for greener fields and only wants back because they were barren, then you're a sucker

If your wife was engaged in an affair and dictates the terms of reconciliation, then you're a doormat

If your wife cheated because of extenuating personality/childhood problems and you take her back, then you're compassionate 

The rest i.e severe marital problems that may have led her to seek comfort outside the marriage, is probably forgiving. 

If you were a good spouse, with no extenuating problems in the marriage and you still take her back, I really don't know what labels should apply. They certainly aren't good ones.

Just my opinion.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Jet,

I understand your pain as I am going through a divorce and the breakdown of my family, as we speak, due to my husband's infidelity. The feelings you have are normal and you will have to deal with these even if you do not reconcile with her. Nothing excuses a cheating spouse for what they do, cause if it was all that bad you could have said something or left. But they chose to lie, to betray, to cheat not only on you, but on your family and what it stood for. Most cheaters hide behind the fact that they only do this to their spouse, well guess what, that is not the truth. We have to set an example to our kids and sooner or later they find out always (believe me I also went through this as a child) and the effect is pretty devastating. 

But I also know that if you still love her you will always regret not giving yourself, your spouse and your family a second chance. Infidelities are a very painful and traumatic experience (I am going throught it, I know the pain) but if the cheating spouse really regrets it, wants to fight for their spouse and family, does the hard and long work it could be a great thing for the couple. It could give you guys the chance to look at your relationship and see what happened, where did it all go to, why did she cheat, what do you guys both need to be happy and committed to one another again. 

My husband did not have the courage to fight for us (he tried to come back twice) and we are now in the process of a divorce with a 2 year old that does not understand and will not have the pleasure of living with both his parents together as a family. Think also, if beyond this HUGE mistake, is your spouse worth the hard work? Look back at your memories and family and ask yourself if you really want it all to be over or you think she is worth trying (beyond the betrayal Jet)?

Now I just have to deal with being a single mom, doing the whole child switching thing and seeing how I never got a second chance (and I was the cheated one). In a nut shell, see if she is willing to do the work and if you want to let her do it, she needs to show you how important you and your kids are to her. If you go to therapy, do deal with all the feelings you have now but a HUGE piece of advice, do not stay focused on the past and the pain. Work also on retaking the love, the communication and a new future for you all. Sorry I wrote so much, I just hope others have the chance I was never given just beacuse my spouse took the easier way out and now cries about his son and his family beacuse of his guilt trip.


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