# How do I overcome my guilt over an unreasonable argument?



## michelle2012 (Jan 5, 2012)

Hi everyone,

My husband has a lot of guy friends. They will always be there for each other. Before marriage, he used to hang out with them all the time. Then I came into his life. We had teething problems with him still clinging on to his carefree bachelor life and choosing friends over me. Things got better. The transformation is very evident. He has cancelled on his friends more often than a friend should. He goes that extra mile to make sure that I am happy.

His friends keep complaining and taunting that he is scared of his wife etc. But he is still man enough not to care. He likes drinking. But he has altered that lifestyle too, just for me. He has said no to his friends who were pestering him to have just one more drink, just so that I do not get annoyed. I was at the same table when this happened. So, his efforts are very noticeable. 

Off late, our work schedule has not permitted us to take time out and really be with each other, be it a weekend get away or something smaller, like a nice dinner together. Weekend is the only free time we have. I have to admit that he has spent the past several weekends with me. Has lied to his friends just because I wanted to go out with him.

Now his folks are going to be staying with us till September because something that has happened, which I do not want to get into. They are coming next Saturday. So technically, this is the only weekend that we will have to get to spend some quality time together. He told me that he will be at the garage the whole day as the car needs some serious work. I was ok with that, since it is safety we are talking about. So I made him promise me that we will go for a movie and spend time on Saturday night, since he will be away the whole day.

Now suddenly his friends have made a plan of meeting at someone's place and drinking all night. And he plans to go. I was really pissed off and disappointed as this in a way is the last "free" weekend that we will have. Later we will be bound by family obligations till September!!

We got into an argument on this, which reached a very bad level. We dug up old graves, said things that none of us really meant etc. He put up quite a fight and was hell bent on not cancelling on his friends this time. But later the fight got so bad that he gave in and said that he will not go with them.

I gotta admit that it gave me a sense of some sort of wicked victorious happiness. But I am feeling like **** at the same time! I can see that he is clearly miserable. He really wants to go with them. But I am being a complete ***** by depriving him of this. 

I am feeling very guilty that I made him do this. It shouldn't be about "who wins in the end" in a marriage!! Right?  But am I wrong in also not wanting to sacrifice a weekend which we will not get again in a very long time again?

What do you guys feel?

P.S We did not get to celebrate our FIRST (!!!) wedding anniversary at all because we had to take one of his friends to the hospital. So the celebration has been pending since a very long time and I was kind of hoping that this weekend would make up for all of it.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think you had a no-win situation. If he went you would have been upset. Now the two of you are upset.

The two of you had plans. He should have honored those plans.

If you got nasty in the argument, feeling guilty about that makes sense. But feeling guilty about standing your ground on him honoring his plans with you.. no way.

A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together doing date-like things... just the 2 of you. If you do not get this amount of time consistantly your relationship will fall apart.

Perhaps the two of you can plan about that much time together a week. Then there is time that each of you needs to spend doing house/yard, etc. Outside of that each of you should be free to spend your remaining time any way you want.

Maybe if you both look at your time like, you can both feel ok about him spending some time with his friends.

I take it that they are single. Once they marry they will not be so available anyway.


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Cancelled on his friends more often than a guy should...

Lied to his friends to spend more time with you...

He's not being a very good friend nor husband. It sounds like he isn't being a very good friend nor a very good husband.

Why does he have to cancel or lie to his friends? How simple is this dialogue:

Friends: hey wanna come drink tonight 

Husband: can't, going for the anniversary supper with the Mrs.

By making plans with friends, then cancelling, it paints you in a bad light. It makes it that he was willing to go but the ball and chain put her foot down.
He's a people pleaser. He just did the same trick on you that he does to his friends. Say what you want to hear then try and get out of it.

Sorry I rambled without answering your question! Was fight unreasonable? You both sound like conflict avoiders until things blow up. Start working on that and the unreasonable blow ups will stop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Cancelled on his friends more often than a guy should...
> 
> Lied to his friends to spend more time with you...
> 
> ...


Had to laugh at this... It's a guy thing. That conversation would basically end with him being teased to death by his friends. His friends know he is lying. They don't care, because when its their turn they do it too.



> By making plans with friends, then cancelling, it paints you in a bad light.


In a loose circle of guys who are friends that ain't a drama. You do what you gotta do.


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

costa200 said:


> Had to laugh at this... It's a guy thing. That conversation would basically end with him being teased to death by his friends. His friends know he is lying. They don't care, because when its their turn they do it too.
> 
> 
> 
> In a loose circle of guys who are friends that ain't a drama. You do what you gotta do.


So lying and not sticking to your word is a guy thing? Not in my husband's group of friends. If you're too immature to proudly admit to being unavailable for a night of drinking for a date with wife, then WTF are you doing married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Michelle,
I am confused. His parents are self sufficient so what is to stop tou two from going out on dates as often as you like during their visit?


UOTE=michelle2012;907739]Hi everyone,

My husband has a lot of guy friends. They will always be there for each other. Before marriage, he used to hang out with them all the time. Then I came into his life. We had teething problems with him still clinging on to his carefree bachelor life and choosing friends over me. Things got better. The transformation is very evident. He has cancelled on his friends more often than a friend should. He goes that extra mile to make sure that I am happy.

His friends keep complaining and taunting that he is scared of his wife etc. But he is still man enough not to care. He likes drinking. But he has altered that lifestyle too, just for me. He has said no to his friends who were pestering him to have just one more drink, just so that I do not get annoyed. I was at the same table when this happened. So, his efforts are very noticeable. 

Off late, our work schedule has not permitted us to take time out and really be with each other, be it a weekend get away or something smaller, like a nice dinner together. Weekend is the only free time we have. I have to admit that he has spent the past several weekends with me. Has lied to his friends just because I wanted to go out with him.

Now his folks are going to be staying with us till September because something that has happened, which I do not want to get into. They are coming next Saturday. So technically, this is the only weekend that we will have to get to spend some quality time together. He told me that he will be at the garage the whole day as the car needs some serious work. I was ok with that, since it is safety we are talking about. So I made him promise me that we will go for a movie and spend time on Saturday night, since he will be away the whole day.

Now suddenly his friends have made a plan of meeting at someone's place and drinking all night. And he plans to go. I was really pissed off and disappointed as this in a way is the last "free" weekend that we will have. Later we will be bound by family obligations till September!!

We got into an argument on this, which reached a very bad level. We dug up old graves, said things that none of us really meant etc. He put up quite a fight and was hell bent on not cancelling on his friends this time. But later the fight got so bad that he gave in and said that he will not go with them.

I gotta admit that it gave me a sense of some sort of wicked victorious happiness. But I am feeling like **** at the same time! I can see that he is clearly miserable. He really wants to go with them. But I am being a complete ***** by depriving him of this. 

I am feeling very guilty that I made him do this. It shouldn't be about "who wins in the end" in a marriage!! Right?  But am I wrong in also not wanting to sacrifice a weekend which we will not get again in a very long time again?

What do you guys feel?

P.S We did not get to celebrate our FIRST (!!!) wedding anniversary at all because we had to take one of his friends to the hospital. So the celebration has been pending since a very long time and I was kind of hoping that this weekend would make up for all of it. [/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

michelle2012 said:


> I gotta admit that it gave me a sense of some sort of wicked victorious happiness. But I am feeling like **** at the same time! I can see that he is clearly miserable. He really wants to go with them. But I am being a complete ***** by depriving him of this.
> 
> P.S We did not get to celebrate our FIRST (!!!) wedding anniversary at all because we had to take one of his friends to the hospital. So the celebration has been pending since a very long time and I was kind of hoping that this weekend would make up for all of it.


"Wicked victorious happiness?" So you feel that you are in competition with his friends and you have to win every battle? I think any single request to cancel an evening with his friends can be viewed as reasonable, but if it happens so frequently that they stop trying to include him there's going to be problems. It's a question of balance. 

It's also not a good thing if one spouse always has the final say. I'm not saying that's your situation but I've seen that dynamic and it doesn't work because one spouse is always feeling resentful. 

Also, did your H know that you expected this weekend to make up for the missed anniversary or did he think it was going to be something else? Clear communication and expectation setting is important. I wish I had a nickel for every time my W said, "I thought we were going to do X" or "I thought you were going to do X" when she never mentioned X in the first place. No one can read minds and most can't remember an oblique hint that was dropped weeks or months ago, yet spouses frequently expect their partners to do just that.


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

michelle2012.
Sounds like you have a little growing up to do imho. Call him NOW, apologize and tell him that he can go with his friends.

1. He as spent the last several weekends with you. 
2. He has given up time/weekends with his friends way too much, even in your opinion.
3. You say this is your last free weekend to go out together. Yet, It is then also his last free weekend he could spend time with his buddies. - plus you just got the last several weekends.

4. I do not see why , you could not let the folks know that you & hubby will be going out for dinner alone once in a while?? If one of the problems ( that you don't want to get into- I respect that) is that one of these parents needs constant supervision.. then hire a sitter for them. Have one of your friends (or his buddies) come to the house on an occasional weekend, so that you & hubs can go out for a movie & dinner. That's not too much to ask for from a friend.

5. This sounds like it would be a sore weekend for him to look back on and think about , if you do NOT let him go with buddies. You do not want this feeling of "winning" this fight.. to come back & bite you in the ass someday. Believe me, It really sounds like it WILL.


6. You've GOT to show him you are mature enough to admit when you are wrong, and to apologize when it is appropriate. I will raise your value up in his eyes a lot.

7. What is wrong with Going out for a nice dinner sometime during this week (Tues, Wed, etc). a) to apologize for the fight & causing such a stire. b) to spend some good laughing quality time with hubbys before the inlaws come?????

I really think you need to let him do this thing with his guy friends. You do not want to be the "bad guy" in his mind for months or longer.


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

michelle2012 said:


> P.S We did not get to celebrate our FIRST (!!!) wedding anniversary at all because we had to take one of his friends to the hospital. So the celebration has been pending since a very long time and I was kind of hoping that this weekend would make up for all of it.


And also, this kind of contradicts what you said earlier. You said that the last several weekends has been spent with YOU. Why wasn't one of these weekends the "make up" of missing the first wedding anniversary???

Ask your hubby, but my guess is that he feels that the make up for the anniversary celebration has already been covered. I doubt that he had any clue that you felt any of the last several weekends wouldn't have been enough. I doubt that he had any clue that you meant to celebrate it tonight with the dinner that he was going to pass over to go out with his buds.

Some men (even intelligent ones) have to be TOLD when a special occasion is occuring. Did you communicate ANYthing more that you wanted to go to dinner this weeked, being the "last free weekend" you could spend with hubs? & I mean, did you communicate any of that BEFORE the day of the huge fight??


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Honestly, you come across as needy-as in, much too needy.

I agree he should not have cancelled on you after agreeing for Saturday night. At the same time, as MEM said, what is to keep the two of you from having together time just b/c parents are around? There are a number of irrational leaps in your post that say you aren't seeing this situation very realistically. 

I also think he needs to stop making you the reason he can't see his friends--his reason should be, "I want to spend time with my wife," not "my wife won't let me." I know he is probably not saying that literally, but it's clearly coming across that way. 

How old are the two of you??


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is excellent on all points. 

Periodically I see married female posters on here and they say things like: "None of his friends like me, and the don't even make an effort to hide that when we are with them"

This is why. 

But her husband needs to man up. That wicked feeling of victory she had. Sadly it directly correlates to a loss of respect for her H. I mean that WINNING the argument made her feel happy, AND winning also erodes her respect for him because she knows she is being unfair. 




Chelle D said:


> michelle2012.
> Sounds like you have a little growing up to do imho. Call him NOW, apologize and tell him that he can go with his friends.
> 
> 1. He as spent the last several weekends with you.
> ...


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

This situation has the potential to end badly. He gave up his friends for you (sorta) and cut back on the drinking. This is all good and fine but there seems to be a lack of agreement as to how often he can/should go out with his friends. And then I'm with MEM in that the family is self sufficient so why should they cramp your style. It's not like you have kids or anything.

Then neither of you know how to fight fair.

FWIW worth weekends away is NOT okay with me. Personal choice but I wouldn't have married a man with that many guy friends. I'd always be in competition and like you saw it's difficult for them to transition from bachelor to married man. He can't have it both ways.


----------

