# Husband having an affair



## purmax87 (Dec 2, 2016)

I have been married to my husband for 8 years we have a beautiful daughter together. He was such a good man caring man and wonderful doting father and husband. I dont know what went wrong but about two months ago a woman came to his job looking for work he hired her and since then they have been sleeping together and talking I first found out through people at his job we have been back and forth 4 times already he comes back apologizes tells me what he did was wrong that I wont be able to forgive or forget. One moment he seems sincere the next he turns into this person i have never seen before a cold hearted dead person with no emotions. He acts different around his daughter does not give her attention cant barley give me the time of day when he was back. I found out the last time they were still talking he hid a phone that she has bought and i finally kicked him out. I dont get how a person can change drastically over one woman. This woman is married as well and does not plan on leaving her husband. He ever offered to go to counseling with me and keeps telling me he loves but he he does not know why he is doing this or why he has changed. I am so stuck right now I have said nasty things to try to hurt him and i told him to never return and i have not talked to him at all. He keeps calling her every day ever moment and i think he is in love with this girl and out of love with me. I cant comprehend why after 8 years and a family how can you love someone that has ruined your life? Everyone keeps telling me to do a No contact no calls no texts nothing dissapear and that he will wake up and realize but I dont know if that will be the case. I am stuck I love my husband and i know this person he has become is not the person who he is. I dont know what to do anymore any advice would really help. 

Thanks


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Filing for divorce might wake him up.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Agreed, have him served divorce papers ASAP. It doesn't mean you actually have to get divorced, but maybe something will snap him out of this spell Mrs. NewEmployee put over him.

How has your sex life been?
Are you both still physically attractive to each other?
Has he been talking to you about things that were bothering him within your marriage some prior to this stupid affair?

I'm sorry you here. The gang will be along to help. Lots have experience in this, whereas I don't.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I won't wait, you need to file ASAP, and i would expose to the husband of the OW as well...don't think about do it. you want to expose this...does your husband own the company?

remember you love who he was not what he is now...now he is a cheater and an ass.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am at the beach right now. I just flung a flat stone with a curved trajectory.

When a man cheats on his wife, there is a better chance of Reconciliation. This is a general statement and does not apply in every case. 

Men have affairs [more often] for sex. Not him, though. He is emotionally invested.

Yes, the endorphins and the Fog of Love are present. Having said that, they get over this feeling easier than women.

I do not excuse this behavior or make any recommendations to forgive. He is wrong. He is a liar and a cheat.

Yes, he was a good father and husband. He was doting and kind. That is why the other women OW found him attractive.

He is everything a women wants in a man.....except he cannot keep his pants zipped up. He is untrustworthy around other women.

I would not take him back. 

Here is the problem:
You love him.
He loves you. He also loves attention and sex. The affair with the POSOW was fun and exciting. I get that.
He is calling you everyday. If he did not love you, he would not call. He would not ask for forgiveness.

The fact that he has not gone "No Contact" is troubling. He loves two women. He married only one of them. That is you. Apparently, his vows meant nothing.

As a man, I feel bad for you. As a women you need to let him go. Get the divorce. See if he comes to his senses down the road.

But why would you want to take back a man who laid naked in bed with another women? Who did [to her] what men do in bed.

The mind games will never go away.

Sorry you are here.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read up about the love chemicals (PEA chemicals). They are what your body produces when you first meet someone. Your body doesn't differentiate between your spouse and a new person - those chemicals come flooding out anyway. It's an addiction; cheaters are literal drug addicts. It's all they can think about and they will throw away careers, families, homes, money...just to get another hit. 

Now, if you are here trying to save your marriage, the first thing you have to do is expose the cheating to your husband's VIPs - the people whose respect he craves enough to be willing to fight the addiction to get them to respect him again. Parents, siblings, cousins, best friend, pastor, whoever matters to him. Tell them today. Ask them to let him know, if applicable, that they're not happy with his choices. If he's mad at you, good. 

The next thing you need to do is get her out of the picture so he can go through withdrawal. Literal withdrawal, just like a drug addict would. Does he own the company? Are you his partner? If he's just an employee, go to his supervisor and let that person know what's going on and ask her to be fired or reassigned; you may even want to hint that you'll be looking at your legal rights as regards this company breaking up your marriage. You'll know what the best approach is. If you're a partner in the company, find out what rights you have to fire her. If he's the owner, tell him that you will go straight to divorce and take everything he has (remember, you're dealing with an addict, so right now you have to be tough) if he doesn't fire her. She simply HAS to be gone. Your marriage is over if she isn't.

The next thing you need to do is learn about what your marriage is SUPPOSED to look like, and take a good hard look at yourself. Read His Needs Her Needs asap. It describes his needs that you should have been fulfilling, that SHE is now filling. Admiration, sex, and fun are usually the marriage killers. Are you having regular, GREAT sex? Are you not taking him for granted? Are you admiring him? Do you two still do fun stuff together? 

If not, it's a fair bet she's doing all this. And his subconscious is just eating it all up. You should be doing it all - but not right now. Right now, you have to be tough and he has to SEE you making plans to cast him adrift, after exposing, if he won't give her up. Let him see how broke he'll be if he won't give her up. Let him see how he won't see his daughter except twice a month if he won't give her up. Hopefully let him see that his family won't welcome her to Christmas or anything else. Like a drug addict, he has to SEE what a mistake it is, so he will be willing to give it up. You have to be tough and unyielding right now: her or us. No in between.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Let him go. Why would you want him after this?? Doesn't matter who he WAS, THIS is who he IS NOW.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's not necessarily true. I've seen quite a few people come out of the affair fog and become good people again.

That said, if YOU, purmax, cannot put up a strong front and expose the affair and accept ONLY what I described, you will not get a good person back. You'll get a half remorseful, self-centered, dissatisfied person back and you'll only prolong the inevitable.

Do it the way I described and you have a chance. But only a slim one. And you would, as I said, have to re-invent y'all's marriage.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

No Contact.
Ultimatums don't work.
See an attorney.
File.
Wait and see what happens.
Be strong.
VH


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Does the OW's husband know about the affair?


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## pattyreed2011 (Nov 28, 2016)

Well if he's letting you find out about his affair then he wants you to be the one moving on. 

Sent from my LGMS330 using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

turnera said:


> She simply HAS to be gone. Your marriage is over if she isn't.
> 
> The next thing you need to do is learn about what your marriage is SUPPOSED to look like, and take a good hard look at yourself.
> 
> You have to be tough and unyielding right now: her or us. No in between.


Definition of Foil

In literature, a foil is a character that has characteristics that oppose another character, usually the protagonist. The foil character may be completely opposite to the protagonist, *or very similar with one key difference.* The foil character is used to highlight some particular quality or qualities of the main character.

I like @turnera. I suspect I am a burr under her saddle.

Tunera is my foil. She is a believer in the basic goodness in mankind. She *does offer* logical and pragmatic solutions. unless you tick her off....or put an extra big burr under her saddle.

She is a forgiver. She can intellectually understand [and accept] aberrant human behavior. And she can accept it as something that can {sometimes} be fixed. *I ASSUME* she also can emotionally forgive someones serious errors {sins?}. Can she do this for a loved one *who betrayed her*? Dunno.

OK, now what?

a. Can this women [original poster] forgive her husband? 
b. Should this women forgive her husband?
c. If so, why?
d. Does he deserve it?
e. If she does forgive this foggy cheater, will he shape up and fly right?
f. Where is it written that "any" person should put up this type of betrayal? 
g. What is the reward? Balancing everything out, does forgiving him outweigh casting him back into the swamp.

a. Maybe. She still loves him. If he breaks it off with the POSOW, maybe, this must happen.
b. Up to her. IMO, and on balance, he has trashed his marriage. No hope for this couple.
c. Why? She remains the loyal spouse. He will always be the cheating spouse. If she still wants to R, it is because he dumped the POSOW, he humbly and sincerely asks for forgiveness. And he "was" a good father and "was" a good man. Mostly=SHE LOVES HIM. She loves him so much she is willing to forgive, maybe sweep this under the rug. This is so tenuous..... OP, what you feel now, will likely not be what you feel in the future. Resentment and anger will continually pop into your consciousness. Why bother? 
d. No
e. Shape up? He is still in contact with this bawdy babe. That Fog is so thick; their ships are crashing into the rocks, *breaking up two marriages*. Fly right? If he could flap his arms as fast as his silken tongue you might have hope. 
f. Nowhere except in her marriage vows....vows that he tossed out with the garbage.
g. What is the reward? "Till death do you part", you will relive his betrayal. OK, if he does everything that a WS should do, it will not be that bad. IF, IF, IF. I fear IF's. They potentially are "WH-IFFs". Whiffs.
Swings and misses. What happens if the "if" never materializes into a true reconciliation? Wasted time. How much time do any of us have?

Items: d. and g. would prevent me from any "R". That and the fact that he laid his naked body on top of her and she took him in...hook, line and boner.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

Counseling or separation for sure. Right now you think you can't live without him but you can. And the pain of someone choosing to hurt you over and over again is never going to get easier. I'm sorry you're going through this, but now it's time to look out for you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SunCMars said:


> a. Can this women [original poster] forgive her husband?
> b. Should this women forgive her husband?
> c. If so, why?
> d. Does he deserve it?
> ...


*shrug* My point is that you don't just throw away a marriage for something that can _possibly_ be written off to a weak fortitude and prediliction toward addiction. Not until you have at least TRIED the methods described. 

Of course, each person is different and I have always respected one's right to simply move on. But THIS poster came here to ask about saving the marriage. So that is the advice I gave her. It can work. Just ask Lonely Husband 42301, most recently. And if the OP wants to try, I will give her the instructions.

Also, this has only been going on for 2 months. He's in affair fog, not love; it's not like his long-lost high school lover showed up or something. This is a run of the mill cheating and I, at least, think he would be easily pried from her, given the right motivation.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

1. Read up on and implement the 180.

_Hard._

2. File for divorce ASAP.

@SunCMars, "hook, line, and boner" may very well become my new catchphrase! LOL!


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## purmax87 (Dec 2, 2016)

I dont know much about this woman and i dont know her husband of where she lives at her husband is aware of her affairs i said more than one because i know my husband isn't the only one she is doing this to. I heard messages where she told my husband her husband found out and they are fighting and he took her phone and broke it. He doesnt own his company he works for one and his boss is just as a pig as he is becoming the guys he works with dont help the situation they dont say much just turn the other way because they feel its none of his business. I have read up about how he is feeling is only lust and fun and not real love but now its gotten to the point he is becoming even more angier and nastier at me like I did something wrong. He has gone to a few counseling sessions and its the same thing i did wrong i accept my mistakes and i love my wife. He has never blamed me for this he tells me its him and he cant give me a reason why he says he doesnt understand why he has changed into this person. I have taken it so far now to have the firm i work for draft up papers to sign. My attorney told me to leave it with him and let him stew because so far i have threatened but taken no action. He still continues to keep in contact with her regardless. I dont understand if someone is really truly embarrssed and regretful for doing this to his family why continue to do so. We are to meet tonight I am going to give him the divorce papers to look over and leave i was informed to not speak to him or talk to him about anything more than that and see by the weekend if he signs them then i assume its over and he is not in love with me or if he stalls but regardlessly alot of you are right idk if i can take him back. I do want my marraige to work i want to move past this but its like he wants to then as soon as he talks to her he doesnt and he turns back into that person i have never seen.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you exposed it to his family yet? Why not?

If you're willing to hand him divorce papers, you should be willing to tell them all that he's cheating on you.

Of course he turns back into that person - he's addicted to the high he feels when he is around her. Get her out of the picture and you might have a chance.


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## purmax87 (Dec 2, 2016)

I did inform his family they are heartbroken that he is doing this to me and his daughter he now has alienated them he wont answer their calls or call them so they are in another country wondering what is going on. I dont know how i will be able to get her out of the picture if i dont know much about her i tried searching her phone number no facebook no social media accounts no connections i think its one of those unsaved numbers. I am kind of at a loss right now


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, you apparently have access to his work, as you said his coworkers were telling you about them. Go there and start asking questions. Talk to his boss. And if his boss shines you on, go to HIS boss. Let them worry about a lawsuit from you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

turnera said:


> *shrug* My point is that you don't just throw away a marriage for something that can _possibly_ be written off to a weak fortitude and prediliction toward addiction. Not until you have at least TRIED the methods described.
> 
> Of course, each person is different and I have always respected one's right to simply move on. But THIS poster came here to ask about saving the marriage. So that is the advice I gave her. It can work. Just ask Lonely Husband 42301, most recently. And if the OP wants to try, I will give her the instructions.
> 
> Also, this has only been going on for 2 months. He's in affair fog, not love; it's not like his long-lost high school lover showed up or something. This is a run of the mill cheating and I, at least, think he would be easily pried from her, given the right motivation.


I like it. You done good.

Atlas Shrugged too. He dropped the ball of Earth on us mortals.

I think that was the cause of the last ice age.....at my house!


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