# Hit rock bottom and wanna kill myself...



## Mommy misses you (Aug 3, 2009)

I have been with my hubby for six years. I met him when I was 16. I am now 21. We have gone through alot in the passed but always pull threw and make-up.. Some what. For him its easier to just forget what happened and move on from it but it doesn't fix the problem and later just explodes. He grew up with a mom that forced him to talk and would push him til he would cry. That really messed with him and because of that he has issues talking now about feelings. I don't force him to talk because he freaks out. He knows what he does isn't normal. He will hold in his feelings or lie about it but then I will tell him I know you are lieing and he will say no im fine, but then later he will tell me yea it was a lie. This is what is going on right now. I got pregnant this year in dec and lost my pregnancy in april. I miss my son and im so depressed and he knows that. He said to me after two periods we would try, So that time came and then he said im not ready I was so upset because he told me he just agreed because he didn't wanna make me angry. I said you have it all wrong you don't just agree with me if its something you don't want. Then he said ok give me til august because it will give me more time and I swear no matter what in august we will try even if im not ready. So here is august and we started to try but after trying two times he finally said I don't want to! I freaked. I said I rather you cheat on me then **** with me with this baby thing. He said well maybe all along I was just giving into what you wanted and not doing what I want, That's the thing he doesn't listen to himself and just does whatever I want. I don't make him or control him. Its like living a lie in our marriage for six years because he says he cant talk to me and doesn't know how. Then I was so upset and we had sex later that night and he said ill cum in you to make it up, I was like are you kidding me!?! You just said you don't wanna try the second time and then you will cum in me?? He said well its not like trying to get you pregnant I said its not going to stop me from becoming pregnant just because your not ready AGAIN. I'm there for his feelings and mine and trying to figure out why he does what he does or ill sit for hours at a time trying to break down ways to help him talk etc. ive tried everything, writing things on paper cause it seems easier for him to text **** or to write it down. I said before trying again why don't you go to college he said because it will take too long and I don't wanna wait that long to try. I have said go on meds for your depression he said ok then months later I asked why haven't you he said its not your business its my body and I don't want to. I said why lie about it then and just be honest and just tell me no. I have said lets see a marriage counselor and he said we don't need to. I am emotionally drained and hurt because I feel like our marriage has been a lie this whole time. I love him so much but he is hurting me. I forgave him for lieing to me the first time with the baby thing but now that he is doing it again I wont be able to trust him. He said he wanted to wait because of something with me with a ultrasound problem, But then he tells me in a period of two days its cause he isn't ready, he doesn't wanna have to be the responsible one and that he doesn't wanna take care of two children(as me) He then said I take that back. I said how could you say that to me! I am more mature and I am the one holding everything together. Just because I don't work but I take care of everything else. He now tells me after six years he would like me to get a job but never told me how he felt about it til now. He has always said he likes taking care of me. All of what he does he says he wants to make me happy but I told him I want you to be up front about things so it wouldn't end like this its just going to make things worse. Then on top of this he runs to his moms house to get out but he doesn't talk to her, She just lets him come over at 10 or 1 in the morning. I told her years ago its because of you of why he is like this, She said your lieing I said ask him yourself and she did. He told her yes im afriad to talk to you and she said you dont need to be. He has told me it isnt cause of me its because of him and what his mom did to him. He has told me he is afraid of her. Then when he trys to talk he has to think and make it perfect I told him just talk because when he thinks too hard about it he just gets stressed. The past three days have been the worse because he finally came out clean on everything, He said this is how Ive been feeling SLOWLY the past two months. I said if you felt like this and wanting to change your mind then why didn't you tell me?? But first he says oh I decided after the second time coming in you I didn't want to but then he tells me its cause ive been thinking about it for the past two months,He is screwing with my emotions and I wanna kill myself. I have been popping pills the past month because one I am so depressed two I now find out my husband doesn't want another baby and makes me keep all this baby stuff in the room saying we will use it soon. I have been crying none stop for three days. I told him I need you more then ever and he said he cant handle it so he leaves to his moms house. I have no one to talk to because if I say anything to my family he gets upset but then he is giving his mother hits something is wrong. I have to talk because I cant hold it in. The past few weeks ive been holding it in because he doesn't get it or doesn't listen, He says he does but if he does then he wouldn't keep repeating what he has been doing to me. He is the most selfish person I know right now. Ive been getting pills for different reason from doctors but then he throws them away but I hide them in different spots and I can get them from a friend because she has issues.... But the point of this is because what he is doing. Loving someone so much but being hurt and not knowing why he keeps hurting me and its just too much in such a short time and im losing it. I don't have it in me anymore. I am the big mouth and always the strong one trying to help who ever needs it. I always put him first and after all this im still trying to put him first but he just keeps hurting me.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

Mommy misses you, 

I think you will be able to find some support and feedback on the web, but I think that the suicidal thoughts you're expressing here are very serious. You should immediately call a professional therapist or 911 in order to get connected with someone who can help.

Suicide is a permanent end to a temporary problem. If you hold on and get professional help, you can work through the issues you're having and things will get better.

Please pick up the phone and call someone for help.

Chris


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

Another option for you is to call the National Suicide Crisis Line at 1-800-784-2433 where you can quickly get connected to someone to talk to. Make the call - there is help!


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

dear mommy I to have gone through the pain off loseing a child , its not something you can get over very easy , When a woman loses a child it tears her apart and i can understand that hurt .... but men hurt to he would have seen you go through the pain of not having your child ..Thats not easy xx Please PLEASE SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP we are all here for you and will listen ! 
please take care xx


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## Mommy misses you (Aug 3, 2009)

Ive tried to get help, I want him to go with me but he doesnt think we need it. I need him there so he can listen so there is a third person to explain to him what he is doing to me. Me going by myself isnt going to help, Thats why im crying out for help from him. If I was to kill myself its because of HIM. Im not just saying that out of anger its true I feel this way because of him. Its not only that im depressed our marriage needs some TLC.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Right now you need to look after your self , seek professional help and deal with how you are feeling . Men dont find showing there emotions easy most will suffer in silence to big to ask for help !! 

Mommy you can work through this .. things will get better please seek help for yourself now !! take care thinking of you x


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I understand the pain....but....you have to think abuot tomorrow. Just imagine....You do kill youself and then tomorrow.....a miricle happens...and you missed it.

There is no one on this planet that you can change....and just because he sees what he is doing...doesn't mean it will change his behavior.

But.....there is something great out there for you.....life is full of mountains....and we have to climb them or go around them to get to the otherside.....don't jump. There is wonderful life out there....I know.

I had a good friend...her son comitted suicide over this girl. This girl....had broken up with him. Guess what....she loved him. IT was a silly thing between two teenagers. And she really did want him back. But....he didn't wait.....and now he is gone and she is living her life....sad...but without him. Yep...her life went on and she is changed but still happy.

Your death wouldn't change the situation....but....Your life can.

You need to get some help with this feeling and that is your number one priority. You are loved....so don't destroy that.

Please...please...everyone on here cares...call....get help....


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