# Is Porn okay in a low sex marriage?



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I could have sex every day, 3 times per week minimum. My wife could have sex 1 - 2 times a month and 1x per week at maximum.

There are times, I am so in the mood and going crazy, I relieve myself with porn because my wife is usually never in the mood.

And yes, we've talked about our sex lives and nothing changes in the end with my wife. And yes I do most of the chores, cuddle with her, get things done around our place, bills paid early, grocery shop, etc., etc., she pretty much has nothing to do except clean our place on her days off while I do everything else and I also work full time.


Is that wrong of me, being married and all?

What would you all do in my situation?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

What was decided when you discussed this, important and polarizing issue, before you got married?


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

If you need to watch porn and rub one out for a survival act, then feel free and do so as frequently as you like. It's a much better alternative to cheating, going to a pros and the like. Cheaper and safer, too. 

Your wife needs to recognize that her LD is a problem and then want to do something about it. Until then, you'll be enjoying some great places like Porn Hub, Submit Your Flicks, Lobster Tube and other fantastic destinations.


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

How does your wife feel about it?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Have we discussed her low sex drive? Yes. Has she made the effort to at least make a solid compromised? No.

Have I told her I view porn when I'm extremely in the mood and she usually isn't as says, maybe tomorrow? No. She would probably get mad. If I even check out a hot chick while watching tv, commercials, she doesn't like that and sometimes changes the channel, but still low sex drive on her part.

It seems to be when she is in the mood and not much else. There have been so many times, I can't count that high, maybe later, maybe tomorrow, you just had it 3 days ago, you just had it once tonight, etc.......13 married years later of this..........is there no hope for her?

I can only bend over so much and for so long. It's not rocket science and the stars don't have to align.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> Is that wrong of me, being married and all?


Not really, though the fact that you need to hide it is not good.



> What would you all do in my situation?


Stop doing all that nice stuff for her. Right now, based on your description, your relationship is pretty unbalanced. You do to much for her and don't allow her to participate in the marriage. What likely started off as something nice to do for her has become expected behavior. 

So do less and do some more for yourself. Get a hobby, hit the gym, whatever. But no passive aggressive stuff. If she asks, make sure she knows that since she is not interested in meeting your needs, you have to do it, which leaves less time for you to focus on her. It is not just about sex (though that is part of it) - it is about her trying to meet your needs.

You might take a look at the Married Man's Sex Life. Not foolproof, but contains some useful tips.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Have I told her I view porn when I'm extremely in the mood and she usually isn't as says, maybe tomorrow? No. She would probably get mad.


From personal experience I can tell you that if you're up front about it, yes she'll be mad, but in my case my wife started having sex with me more often when she found out that if she didn't then I would watch porn and masturbate.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Stop doing all that nice stuff for her. Right now, based on your description, your relationship is pretty unbalanced. You do to much for her and don't allow her to participate in the marriage. What likely started off as something nice to do for her has become expected behavior.
> 
> So do less and do some more for yourself. Get a hobby, hit the gym, whatever. But no passive aggressive stuff. If she asks, make sure she knows that since she is not interested in meeting your needs, you have to do it, which leaves less time for you to focus on her. It is not just about sex (though that is part of it) - it is about her trying to meet your needs.
> 
> :iagree:


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

If you're not getting it from her, you have to get it some way without cheating.

My wife is kind of the same way. Before we got married, it was every other day, but now it's once a week. She always claims to be tired because of our commute to work, but that never applies to me, and we have the same commute. It's like she aged 20 years within two... and I think she stays at her parents place during the week partially so she doesn't have to put up with my heavy sex needs.

As far as porn, I used to rent from BushDVD.com, as I have a few favorite starlets I like to see, but their service is slow, and the most popular titles are scarcely available.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You're an adult. If you want to watch porn, smoke, drink, gamble, join the military, buy a Harley, or paint your butt bright purple, it's your business. As long as what you are doing is legal, doesn't physically harm anyone, and doesn't interfere with your duty to support your family, be you and those who don't like it can get bent.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Since my wife is a bigger girl, not huge or obese but could lose a good 50 lbs to be in good shape, she is insecure, covers herself up, always wears ugly sweat pants and shirt when cuddling or to bed. Never anything sexy ever. I only get feet when cuddling and bedtime. She is an adult, 34 years old, no kids yet, no medical issues, has a good job and gets paid well, her own car, you get the idea. I have the same but I took care of myself. I go to bed only wearing underwear, like to cuddle wearing the same, don;t need to lose really any weight and I'm not insecure. If she lost the weight, I know her confidence would go up drastically, wear those clothes she always wants to wear, sex drive would go up, etc. But I can't force my wife to do this. It has to be from within herself.

Would I give up the occasional porn if she has a normal to high sex drive, fantastic, wear something sexy, talk dirty, oils, toys, etc. YES.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

When I was reading your post, I thought to myself that I could have written it maybe 3 years ago. Her drive was EXACTLY like my wife's and my drive was EXACTLY like yours (still is). Your description of your wife and mine even match (my wife is 48 and even with being a bit overweight, she is still smoking hot and still gets looked at by many guys). 

In my opinion, I think that if you guys can't reach some sort of compromise (we couldn't, she has lost her drive completely now, and we have'nt even had sex in the last 5 months), then you have every right to watch porn and masturbate to it. My wife knows that I do from time to time, and even though she doesn't like it, she knows that if she can't meet my needs anymore, it is much better than cheating. Tell your wife how improtant this is to you and just because it is no longer important to her, doesn't mean she can just do it when she wants. You sound a lot like me, nice guys don't impress their wives. They just get walked all over. Start doing things for yourself.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Forget feeling guilty about your porn habit.

Why don't you run the MAP and get your wife to actually want f*ck you. 

Right now you are being a doormat and it is killing her attraction to you.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

MAP?

See, I don't come home from work and I must have my daily porn session. It's more like once a month and during that time its 3x in that hour and then I'm good. The wife is in the mood 2x a month so that is just enough for me to survive.

This is the compromise. If you cuddled with me more, I might be in the mood more. So I cuddle with her on the couch almost every day after we get home from work. She feels great and relaxed but still no sex.

I listen to her day a bit, but not 1 - 2 hours each day. That's not happening. So she talks with her sister and parents every day after work for 1 - 2 hours!!!! I would go crazy if I had to hear that every day..........She is 34 year old by the way.

Didn't think I was a doormat but maybe I am without realizing it?


Today was her birthday and yesterday she told me, don't get me anything, flowers, chocolates, etc. because she wants me to pay off our line of credit, only $1100 left. So this morning, before she got up, I put a vase of red roses, nice card and exotic chocolates on the dining room table. She came back up and gave me a kiss, "thank you" but told me she will be out late with her boss / co-workers and not to order anything for supper. I will order her fav foods and cake though, so when she gets home later, it's all there for her as a surprise. I guarantee you no sex for me but she will be very happy, like in the morning with the flowers, card and chocolates.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

WHAT? WHAT? Why are you married to your wife? What you are doing is not normal. Not the porn part, that is nothing. The rest of your marriage is not normal or good for your health. Just my 2 cents and I am no way perfect but you sound more like a servant that a husband. David


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

If I went though life again, I would warn myself and marry another woman.

Now on the one side she is kind, loving, generous and caring wife. On the physical side, she knows she has to get in shape and lose the weight but never does anything about it. She isn't that disciplined about her diet like I am. I eat more carbs and protein and she eats more the sweets, chips, dip, mac and cheese because she doesn't want to cook for 15+ minutes. And her sex drive has been low since we got married 13 years ago and we were fighting about it back then, just like today. 

So she isn't going to change?????

One time my wife and I were going out and I gassed up the car. The next time I went out myself, chores, errands, gassed the car, my friends at the gas station asked me, "She when is your wife due?". I got really embarrassed and said she wasn't pregnant......I dare not tell her that but you get the idea, big girl, just not obese.

When I sometimes go to pinch her butt while we are in the kitchen, I say, nice.......she immediately slaps my hand, STOP THAT!!!

I don't know......and then women wonder why men cheat and you should love me for me nonsense..........


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## gedwierico (Dec 13, 2012)

What was decided when you discussed this


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

We've discussed the low sex drive, needing to get in shape issues over many years and in the end, nothing changes. I guess I have to accept that. We will have a room mate / close marriage situation, little physicality. That's it I guess.


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

I've been married 20 years and I know exactly what you mean. My wife needs to lose about 70 lbs. I was watching a lot of porn because I was mad at my wife for gaining all the weight and not having the will power to do anything about it. I felt that she had no respect for me and didn't care how I felt about the way she looked. I was very passive aggressive about it and felt that masturbating to porn was my way of getting back at her and still satisfying my needs. 
This all came to a head when the combination of age, porn, masturbation and her weight caused me to have ED issues. She was naked in bed doing everything she could get me aroused and nothing was happening. I finally came clean about my unhappiness about her weight and how I couldn't see a future with her if she was too fat to do anything but sit on a couch all day when she got older. That was her light bulb moment. So she agreed to get a personal trainer and she has been working her ass off working out with a trainer for 2 months. The progress has been slow, but she is trying and losing some weight. For my part, I got my Testosterone tested, got some ED meds, read MMSL and NMMNG and started working on my fitness. I also gave up porn (mostly) and cut way back on the masturbation. 
Things aren't great, and we still have issues because I am much more HD and sexually adventurous (which is one reason I turned to porn), but it's a start. I'm trying really hard to not be passive aggressive, and be very clear and direct on what I need. 
I wouldn't tell her about the porn, that will just make her upset with you and maybe she will get back at you by putting on more weight. Until your wife has a light bulb moment, she isn't going to change. You should read MMSL and do a MAP. Stop with the one-itis and make her see that you are a higher sex rank than her, and she can lose you if she doesn't start making some changes.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Never had ED, maybe lost it once or twice in my life.

MMSL and NMMNG?

I take natural test boosters, cycling on and off.

I enjoy the weights and have gained 60 lbs, 6ft 2 at 230 lbs. I train at home because if/when I go to the gym, if a hot lady wants to flirt / chat, not good.......heh.

My wife is a very sensitive woman and you have to be careful when speaking your mind a bit.

I'm glad I'm not the only one here with these issues!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> Never had ED, maybe lost it once or twice in my life.
> 
> MMSL and NMMNG?


Married Man's Sex Life and No More Mr. Nice Guy. Good reads that may give you some tips.



> I take natural test boosters, cycling on and off.
> 
> I enjoy the weights and have gained 60 lbs, 6ft 2 at 230 lbs. I train at home because if/when I go to the gym, if a hot lady wants to flirt / chat, not good.......heh.
> 
> ...


So you have to tip-toe around her while she ignores you. Get out of the house. Get a hobby and be a bit less available. right now, it sounds like she has you doing all these great things for her while she gets to ignore you (unless you are doing stuff for her). Stop it.


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## FredGarvin (Nov 30, 2012)

Try both those books, no more Mr Nice guy is on Audible so you can listen while you work out.

I have a very similar situation. And to answer your first question I would be insane without porn. The thing that is getting me is reconciling that my options seem to be to continue with this person and no sex life or to get a divorce and break up the family. 

Have you considered Marriage Counseling? 

FredGarvin


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Dude! Put down the dishrag. Take off the apron, and go buy yourself a Harley. Laziness does not get rewarded. Indifference to your needs doesn't get rewarded. Find something to do that doesn't involve blowing undeserved powder sugar up your wife's ample backside.


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

I know about a sensitive wife. I was passive aggressive for 15 years because I was trying to avoid conflict. I didn't know about how to be an alpha without being a jerk until reading MMSL so I went the other way and did the Beta thing like you are. My wife would get upset if I brought up anything related to her weight or sex being an issue and so I wouldn't bring it up.
You need to make a change in yourself first and when she sees that you are serious about changing yourself, then you drop some bombs on her telling her exactly what you need from her. She will be mad, she will cry and try and make you back down. Don't get mad or even. Just keep improving yourself and doing your own thing. You need to demonstrate that you are serious about making yourself happy. Either she can be on board with it, and try and make you happy or she can start to lose you to someone else who appreciates you. She needs to fight for you just like you would fight for her if someone else was trying to make moves on her.


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## acertriplex (Dec 15, 2012)

My wife is the exact same way and I do the porn thing as well. If your not getting it what are you to do? To me its either cheat or porn.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> MAP?
> 
> See, I don't come home from work and I must have my daily porn session. It's more like once a month and during that time its 3x in that hour and then I'm good. The wife is in the mood 2x a month so that is just enough for me to survive.
> 
> ...


I'm a woman, and I agree with manning up a bit. It's worth a shot. Also try reading His Needs, Her Needs. 

There is a bit of "science" to this whole thing. Certain actions and behaviors are sexually attractive to women, some are not. And it's not a one size fits all scenario. And unfortunately, what does it for you is usually what you give to your partner. (because that's what you know, right?)

If she was ever more sexually attracted to you, think about how your relationship was. Were you more aggressive, did you spend time on foreplay, so she was too aroused to even say no?

Do you "ask" her if she wants sex, she says no, or do you seduce her? 

Do you go out on dates, make sure you have time alone, do you wait until bedtime to make a move? Do you flirt during the day, and set the mood, or just "pounce" when you are in bed?

Lots of reasons why things go stale, and only so much you can do if she just plain has self esteem issues. But figuring out if it's manning up or not is the one thing you could do.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> From personal experience I can tell you that if you're up front about it, yes she'll be mad, but in my case my wife started having sex with me more often when she found out that if she didn't then I would watch porn and masturbate.


That's not always the case. My ex was honestly disgusted that I would occassionally watch porn and MB. The issue was that she thought whatever little bit she provided should be fine, and I was a pervert for not being okay with it.

OP: Regardless of whether she would be mad or accepting, you need to be okay with telling your wife you watch porn and maybe MB for release. The reason is not to offend or belittle her, although she may take it that way.

The reason you tell her honestly is that doing so requires you to own your sex drive and preferred sexual style (frequency and activities) as good and valid. You need to own these things and come at her with the mindset that your needs matter as much as hers and she should yield to you as much as you yield to her.

The alternative (and reality?) is you are are ashamed of your needs and/or afraid to confront her and advocate for yourself with courage. The result is your wife's sexual habits become the de-facto standard. Rather than facing compromise as equals, you are her subordinate. You need to earn her cooperation. Which is a nice segue to why in the heck are you doing so much for her while she ignores your needs?

Another thing to consider is that she might have some baggage to deal with, and hiding your needs is impeding that process. At any rate, regardless of whether she's inhibited or just selfish, she may strongly resist your efforts at standing up for yourself and driving change, which brings us back to you must be able to courageously own your needs and confront her on this.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Married Man's Sex Life and No More Mr. Nice Guy. definitely check them out. Downloaded and ready to read.

My wife doesn't ignore me, it's more me ignoring her after no sex for 2+ week again. And she always, every time, wonders why??? The sex issue never sinks in..........ever!!!!

If I don't do most of the chores, they don't get done. I always do a small amount of them every day, so they never pile up. Example, one day I take out the garbages and recycle and load the dishwasher before bed. Next day after work, I unload the dishwasher, get the mail, newspaper and fresh water, food and cat litter changed. Something every day.

We did initially talk about marriage counseling when we first got married because we were already fighting about the low sex drive thing. Once we bought our place, got a cat, our own cars, got our own space instead of a small apartment, the fighting pretty much stopped, just not the low sex thing.

If I told her about my occasional porn, she would freak and no sex for months!!!!

We don't go out much because we work full time jobs and different days of the week. It's good in a way, because we both have a day to ourselves.

The only time my wife gave me a BJ every day, was before she got on the pill. We waited 6 months to be safe and then a BJ one to two times a month and regular sex at that point.

I am seriously considering getting a gym pass before our plant Christmas shut down. If I do this, I will get in better shape and bigger. Good for me, but my wife is also bigger.......what would you do if you were hit on by a hot woman at the gym????

I think I will do some serious reading, I've downloaded all those books and am ready to start studying, when she isn't around.

Whenever my wife asks me what do I want for dinner, I usually say whatever, it's up to you. She doesn't like that and asks me again. So she is more passive and wants me to make the decisions? If that's the case, no problem but I wanted her to be more of an equal and same with sex. If I don't initiate, she does nothing, even though she wants sex. Like this morning, it's been 2 weeks of nothing. 6:30am, she rolls over and I hear this big "sigh". So I initiated, she responded, even half asleep and it was good. Cuddling, talking all morning and when she wore her perfume, I'm sniffing all over her and she says stop it, but likes it. So I have to be the initiator while she is the passive one. I get things done, while she takes after my lead or it never gets done. Interesting........Nothing much bothers me but she is sensitive. Looks like I'm the alpha, no problem, just how to be a better alpha is the question?!


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

She is begging for you to be the alpha. When she asks you want you want for dinner, tell her. Make a decision. Initiate sex and if you get turned down, don't act upset. Make it seem like its no big deal. She knows it bothers you, and she wants to be in control. Start going to the gym and eating better. Don't let her drag you down. Show her that you are going to do things just for you. Don't ask her to go along. If she asks if she can go along, then you say yes.
STOP DOING ALL THE CHORES!! She knows you will do the dishes and the laundry, and everything else. What will she do if you stop doing her dishes and her laundry? She will b*tch about it and call you petty in an attempt to get you to keep doing her chores. Eventually she will do her own, and maybe you can get to an agreement where you do the dishes and she does the laundry, or vice versa. She is not some fragile flower. You are the one that is fragile because you don't want to confront her and deal with her because it is easier to keep the peace.
Don't tell her about the porn yet, use it for your own survival so you don't think about cheating.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Of course she wants you to initiate. You're a guy and she's a woman. Despite all the trendy feminism floating around for the past 40 years or so, we are still only slightly evolved cave dwellers. If you were the most sensitive male in the tribe and you kept the tidiest cave, what would be the odds of you mating? Next time you're in a book store, glance over at the romance novels. You won't see any guys wearing aprons and pushing brooms on the covers. It's fine to help with household chores, but if you become your wife's maid, you've turned thousands of years of civilization on it's head and she won't find you sexually attractive.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

From now on, I will be more decision making and decisive, but at the same time, not controlling her either. I don't think she likes it when I control her but she likes it when I initiate and make more of the decisions.

My wife will clean our place (dusting, etc.) on the days she has off work. She also runs the washer and dryer for our laundry, so she isn't that lazy. But sometimes she acts like she has to do the laundry!! I tell her, all you do is put clothes in, some cleaning agents, close the front door and hit start. Come back later 45 minutes, load into dryer, hit start, come back 30 minutes later. That's it. You aren't doing any work!!! Then she looks at me and shuts up!!!

I will initiate more cuddling on the couch and sex and if she is never in the mood, I won't get angry as much anymore. But that's really hard to do since I'm a HD guy.

Women like men because they're bigger, stronger, muscular, take care of and watch out for them, listen to them and kids are an option as well. Men like women because of sex and how they dress, sound, smell and look.............heh.


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

If you want her to do more work, you can't tell her the work she is doing now isn't really work (laundry). I agree that laundry doesn't burn many calories, but it is a chore that no one likes to do.
If she turns you down, just act like "whatever", but don't sit there on the couch. Cuddle for a few minutes (so she can't accuse you of being petty or getting upset). But then get up and do something away from her even if it means sitting on a different couch. Don't reward her bad behavior by sitting there and taking it.
If she repeatedly turns you down, just tell her "Okay, I guess I'll have to take care of things my self", and don't give any more details. I don't see anything wrong with porn once a week in those scenarios. If you watch porn every time you get rejected, you'll start to associate rejection and porn, and you might start looking forward to the rejection, and you don't want that.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

Does your wife have the "body" of a female porn star? I say rather "typical female pornstar body"


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## purplecu6e (Dec 17, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> From now on, I will be more decision making and decisive, but at the same time, not controlling her either. I don't think she likes it when I control her but she likes it when I initiate and make more of the decisions.


Initiating and making decisions is a great first step. If you get annoyed when your wife, or anyone else, asks you to make a choice for them, just think of it as a chance to show everyone that you're a guy who knows where his towel is.

You're already unconsciously placing your wife's emotional satisfaction ahead of your own. I wouldn't be too concerned about whether your conscious actions could be construed as controlling. I get the sense that the control has been going the other way for quite some time.

So, what is it that is keeping you two together? Kids, money, social pressure, religion?


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## Playthang (Dec 3, 2012)

Have you ever seen the movie Bridges of Madisson County?? No? That's because you're a man  If your wife hasn't seen it maybe she should. Maybe you could watch it together.
The roles are reversed but I think at the end you would understand.
That movie actually made me think that when I (and I did) get married I would (and will) always do whatever it takes to 
keep what we have. Even if that means stepping outside of my own little cushy comfort zone to make him happy. But on the flipside I expect these things from him as well.
15 years coming up on 16 and it has been one helluva marriage. 
My point is this. If you're not happy & she's not happy, then why on earth stay together?
I'm not saying you should run out & file for divorce. But she needs to hear everything you've put into words in this post.
We can all advise you on what to do. But in the end the marriage is both yours & hers and she needs to know.
Porn should be a non-issue if she's not giving it up & you shouldn't have to hide it. Maybe you should let her catch you watching it. That should be a great conversation starter *rolling eyes*
Good luck!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Bridges of Madisson County? I will download that tonight


My wife got a large Christmas bonus and decided to pay off my line of credit with it. I am blown away. That is the kind of person she is, kind, caring, faithful and frugel.

If she could only motivate herself to lose the weight, get a normal healthy sex drive, doesn't even have to be a HD like myself, that's all I would change about her and not much else.

"For better or for worse" doesn't mean anything to people today?

My wife is about 5ft 8 and 215+ lbs. She is a big girl.

I am 6 ft 2 and 230 lbs from weight training over the years.

I will continue to make more of the decisions and choices, being more alpha.

It's her size and low no initiating sex drive that's the issue since we were married 13 years ago!!!

In another 10 years, she'll be 230+ lbs.......and obese. And then there's Menopause, more weight and no sex drive, right?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

[QUOTE
In another 10 years, she'll be 230+ lbs.......and obese. And then there's Menopause, more weight and no sex drive, right?[/QUOTE]

You could look at it that way... or you could look at it another way. 

She obviously CARES for you. Not so certain she LUSTS after you.

Could be her self esteem is the weight problem AND her Low sex drive. 

It does come across in your posts a bit that you don't think much of her (physically, anyways). So I would venture that she is aware of that fact. But you got "needs"... so she does the bare minimum.

Giving a large gift like that is kinda indicative of someone who is doing something to get you to LIKE them.

You love your wife, sure. Do you like her, desire her, or just want your needs met? 

If a slimmer more attractive version of your wife hit on you tomorrow, would you be gone? Honestly.

It's okay to say that you don't find her attractive. You've mentioned several times that she is "big". So why are you with her? Why are you pushing the sex thing? Why not find someone you will be more attracted to? 

I ask... because I dont' see a way out of the viscious circle. She'll never get her self esteem to a point of losing weight and being more sexual as long as you don't believe it either.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Agreed. My wife cares and loves me, just not lust or crazy sex, very true.

I know her weight is the cause of her low self esteem and sex drive. The million dollar question is: How do you get her to start taking care of herself, lose the weight and get a normal to maybe even high sex drive?

My wife got home late from work today and I commented how sexy her clothes make her look. She let me play with her breasts a bit.......I hinted, us time, upstairs......she said no, time of the month. I said, oral then, upstairs (being more alpha), she actually said okay, but I knew she was pressed for time, so I leaned to another night. She then grabbed me by my waist to hers, lets go upstairs and upstairs we went. 5 minutes was close to 20 minutes and the oral was really good and same with her foreplay, she knows what I like, tongue on neck, bare feet, SOLD. Afterwards, I gave her a back rub while she was making food for work. She asked me, bowl or plate? Normally I would say doesn't matter, but being more alpha I said firmly, plate and I am eating dinner now.

Seems to be working, being more alpha, you think that's it?

If my wife slimmed down and get a healthy sex drive, fantasies, etc. perfect wife!!!


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## sexualhealth (Dec 18, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I could have sex every day, 3 times per week minimum. My wife could have sex 1 - 2 times a month and 1x per week at maximum.
> 
> There are times, I am so in the mood and going crazy, I relieve myself with porn because my wife is usually never in the mood.
> 
> ...


I think she is incredibly lucky to have you. You sound like the ideal husband, you do all of the chores and enjoy sex with your wife regularly. You sound like you put her on a pedestal and she is doing a little bit of dare I say walking all over you. Sorry but she sounds like she needs a reality check. There are not many men who would put put up with this.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> MAP?
> 
> See, I don't come home from work and I must have my daily porn session. It's more like once a month and during that time its 3x in that hour and then I'm good. The wife is in the mood 2x a month so that is just enough for me to survive.
> 
> ...


This is how resentment starts. Duty sex is the result. 
The idea behind "my needs" versus "your needs" is being in tune enough with your spouse to give them what THEY want, not what YOU want. Most people assume you know better than they do. Most people don't like that. 





sexualhealth said:


> I think she is incredibly lucky to have you. You sound like the ideal husband, you do all of the chores and enjoy sex with your wife regularly. You sound like you put her on a pedestal and she is doing a little bit of dare I say walking all over you. Sorry but she sounds like she needs a reality check. There are not many men who would put put up with this.


It's all a matter of perspective. He's giving her exactly what he thinks she wants. But maybe not what she really truly is even asking for. 

Some people's Love Language is gifts. Some people's love language is talking. 

Mis-matched love languages.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

See, I do most of the chores and errands. dishes, make sure bills are paid, take time off work so the tech's to repair things here, still weight train and look great, and I don't go out and party like most guys do in low sex drive marriages. I will not bend over anymore or I might just do it all and be single.

I am being more alpha and that seems to be working.

I will try and listen to her more about her day at work. See, when I get home from work, work stays at work and unless I had a really bad day, I'm good and work stays at work. I have the computer, weight training, landscaping among other things that I do to unstress. My wife still hasn't found any things to help her unstress from work and life, 13 years later.......just talks about it and knows she should do this, but doesn't. Just like losing weight and getting in shape, talks about it, does nothing, 13 years later......Talk is cheap, action is were it's at when everything settles.

I bought 4 large pizza's, so when she gets home, hmmmm, good treat for her.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Cuddlebug,
Do you know how many calories are in 4 large pizza's??
She should just go on a diet and lose weight. Good grief.

I"m not saying bend over and do things.
Yes, you get credit for all the things you do.

Except, ask yourself this question.... are you giving her what she WANTS? 

I quoted your post for a reason. 
She specificially TOLD you what she wanted for her birthday. You ignored it and did the opposite. And think that what you did makes you a super duper husband and she should appreciate it. I'm sure she does. But possibly, make an effort, to LISTEN to what she wants, and TRY to incorporate that into your partnership.


Yup, talk is cheap in your house. She talks, tells you what she wants, and you do something else. Actions speak louder.
Your actions speak to the tone of ----- you are not willing to give her what SHE wants. But you will give, give, give. 
And she should just appreciate the 10 apples you give her and be a good wife. All she wants is 1 orange. 

I'm not trying to be harsh on you. I'm trying to get you to look at reality.

Nothing will change until your actions show you are listening to what she wants.


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## Hall33 (Dec 18, 2012)

Watching porn is completely normal, not only that I think it's actually healthy; having sexual fantasies are normal, and I think watching porn sometimes allows us to have those fantasies, and realize them in a way thats not destructive to the marriage (if it doesn't become compulsion.) 

Your wife physicality, her size, is a real problem.... It's a problem for you, and it's a problem for her, and it's a problem for your marriage and a problem for her health.

Her insecurities are likely driven from her body image and the best way to change that is to change the body.

I am motivated to go to the Gym 5 days a week, but my wife isn't a person that can motivate herself to go to a gym regularly to body sculpt. 

So we found a place called CrossFit, they are popping up everywhere. But it's group body sculpting/weight training, it's Co-ed and you're in class with very fit people and very un-fit people, and it's very supportive.

This was perfect for my wife because it's very supportive. She needs to feel better about herself before she'll feel better about you sexually.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

4 pizza's bit overkill? heh heh.

She was very surprised and happy that I remembered what her favorite pizza was and from her favorite restuarant. So I am listening........

I am telling her how sexy she looks when she comes home from work (I get home earlier than she does). She really likes that and is very receptive to be playing with her breasts, etc.

This morning, I hinted "us time" upstairs and she told me its the time of the month but was receptive to go upstairs. I didn't realize it just started today but she was willing.....see, having oral 2 or more times a month never happens with her but now it does......

By me being more alpha, doing these little things and yes I have listened to what she likes and I'm actually applying it.....seems to be working.

I prefer not to watch porn because I married her. Relieving ones self to super hot women, which aren't the norm, with very high sex drive, which aren't the norm, doing crazy wild fantasy acts, which aren't the norm, isn't good for any marriage.

One day it will hit her to go to a gym because she's too big. When that day happens, I will gladly support her, but the choice is hers to make.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Nothing wrong with it as long as it doesnt over take you.....I personally think its harmless


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## Andy66 (Sep 17, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Just like losing weight and getting in shape, talks about it, does nothing....
> 
> I bought *4 large pizza's*, so when she gets home, hmmmm, good treat for her.


I'm baffled :scratchhead: Are you subconsciously afraid of placing a long overdue atom bomb under your marriage and sabotaging the weight loss you say you want to see in her? Less scary to keep things the way they are?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

How often do I buy 4 large pizza's.........extremely rare and I have a high metabolism, so I ate 1 of them right away, 3 left now. My wife has a few slices at a time, not the entire box. It's just a treat she really appreciates. You won't get fat eat 2 slices of pizza now and then. Now if my wife eat an entire box at once, then I'd only buy 1 large pizza for us to share. Makes sense?

Right now, I've cuddled with her so much, she wants her space and that means I did a good job. No more foot rubs, back massages, cuddling or hugs........she needs a break. heh. So I'm watching DOOM downstairs as she naps.


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