# I never saw this coming



## disconnected

My husband and I are in our early 60s, and have been married for over 40 years. We have four adult children ranging in age from early to late 30s, and one toddler grandchild.

I have been working for an international organisation for over 20 years, and this has involved being assigned overseas four times during that period. My husband has (willingly and enthusiastically) accompanied me as a 'trailing' spouse.

Our marriage has been stable and enjoyable, and as far as I was aware, we were totally committed to each other. We were working towards a happy retirement together, concentrating on our children and being available as hands-on grandparents.

During my last assignment for this organisation (in north Asia), my husband was engaged by my employer for a specific project, which could last as long as five years. In order to accompany him I was approved "leave without pay" for the duration of his contract.

Life was great. We were happy to have this opportunity as it was great for us financially as we headed into retirement at the end of his contract. It was also a chance for my husband to have a very meaningful job as opposed to househusband.

In July 2012 I returned to Australia for six months to care for my grandchild as one of my children undertook a military deployment to the Middle East. During that time though my husband and an Asian woman in her 20s began an EA.

I was unaware of this EA until I was re-united in Australia with my husband in Dec, and instantly noticed a change in him. At first I thought it was because he was tired after the long flight - but as the days went on I sensed a distance between us. He said he was tired, and that I was imagining things. 

After a week of puzzling about why he was so detached I managed to get into his emails. I went into shock on reading the inappropriate comments he was making to this YAW (young Asian woman). For her part, she did nothing to 'shut him down' from going along this path.

I had an outburst in late Dec, aiming some pretty severe comments at him. He has used that outburst as a way of being the victim in an unhappy marriage, and is refusing to end the EA with his "Asian friend".

We returned to Asia late January, and have tried to get our marriage back on track. He has said that we should give it time. 

But unknown to him at that time, I managed to locate some disturbing incriminating email exchanges. These two are talking about "marriage, babies, etc" ... he is in his 60s and she is in her 20s.

In some of the emails he declared to her that "all my children want me to be free, and be happy and to divorce ******* " (ie me). He also declared to her that he had been unhappy for over 20 years.

Well, him being unhappy for over 20 years was news to me!! He absolutely loved going overseas ... it meant he could travel and follow his interests (while I worked very long hours in the office). (I would have given anything for our situations to be reversed ... and then finally they were in mid 2011).

But now all he can say to me is that he can't live with me any longer, and that YAW (young Asian woman) has nothing to do with this. He says that the state of our marriage is something totally separate from his platonic friendship with YAW.

He keeps saying that he has no "emotional connection" with me, and doubts if he ever will again.

In the meantime, YAW continues to text and phone him, and of course emails him constantly. (I no longer have access to his emails as he changed the password once I confronted him about the contents etc).

Three months ago he took time off from his job to travel to another part of the country ... where he met up with YAW ... and they had a lovely 5 day holiday together. During this time I was alone at home, crying and trying to cope with this horrible situation.

He hardly spends any time with me, and is totally consumed by his friendship (?) with YAW. YAW enjoys all the attention from her very own K.I.S.A. (yuk)

He emphasised to me that they are not sleeping together. He said that her culture would not allow this. He is just happy to be her "friend".

I have always trusted and believed my husband. But he is totally different these days. He says that I am always arguing with him, but that is not true. He is the one who has changed from a stable, calm man to someone who is constantly anxious, agitated, and argumentative.

Three weeks ago I returned to Australia to stay with family and visit friends, for about ten weeks. Hopefully that will give him some time to concentrate on his job, and to try and think about his and our future.

I am hoping (and praying) that we will come through this and therefore want to get back together with me. 

I have only come across this website/forum three days ago, and read with interest (and sympathy) the threads started by littlerockette, committed1217, and overthemoon88.

I am frightened that I will lose my wonderful husband ... actually, I think my wonderful husband is now something in the past, because he has changed so much ... he is just not the same person any more.

One further thing - I was very upset when I read that "all" our children wanted him to divorce me. I have since had the courage to ask three of them singly whether this was true, and they each said it wasn't. "All" the children have not told him that he should divorce me.

For several weeks I just withdrew into myself, thinking I was so useless as their mother that they would tell him to do this (ie divorce me).

I am so worried about him. I think he is suffering from K.I.S.A syndrome. 

I would welcome any advice on what to do. 

Thank you for reading this.


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## NextTimeAround

I'll go with the opening gambit here.... but there are other posters who are better than I am.....

He may still be "sampling" her which means he is not sure that he wants this new life but obviously likes having it both ways. File for divorce to let him know that he must choose. In most places, once you file, you can reverse if he shows adequate remorse for choosing to have an EA and possibly PA with this woman.

Tell your children and other family members and weigh up the benefits versus risks of letting people at his work know about it.

Best wishes in whatever you choose to do....


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## disconnected

Hello Next Time Around ... thank you for such a quick response.

We currently live in an Asian capital, even though I am in Australia for the next seven weeks.

FYI the only grounds for divorce in our home country is irreconcilable differences. Divorce can only go through after a two year separation.

I have told three of the children. I am relucatant to discuss with the fourth child as he/she was the one deployed to the Middle East, and will probably blame themselves for this happening while I was in Australia caring for my grandchild. I am going to see this 'child' in ten days and will discuss with him/her then. But just to reiterate that my coming back to Australia for that 6 months to look after the grandchild is not the reason the EA happened. I don't want that 'child' to have any guilt feelings at all. In fact, my husband was very enthusiastic about his/her military deployment and agreed wholeheartedly with me returning to Australia for 'grandchild duties'.

I appreciate you taking the time to reply.


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## MattMatt

disconnected said:


> Hello Next Time Around ... thank you for such a quick response.
> 
> We currently live in an Asian capital, even though I am in Australia for the next seven weeks.
> 
> FYI the only grounds for divorce in our home country is irreconcilable differences. Divorce can only go through after a two year separation.
> 
> I have told three of the children. I am relucatant to discuss with the fourth child as he/she was the one deployed to the Middle East, and will probably blame themselves for this happening while I was in Australia caring for my grandchild. I am going to see this 'child' in ten days and will discuss with him/her then. But just to reiterate that my coming back to Australia for that 6 months to look after the grandchild is not the reason the EA happened. I don't want that 'child' to have any guilt feelings at all. In fact, my husband was very enthusiastic about his/her military deployment and agreed wholeheartedly with me returning to Australia for 'grandchild duties'.
> 
> I appreciate you taking the time to reply.


You could file for divorce in the country you are living in, presumably?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disconnected

It would have to be filed in our home country. It would not be a problem to have the papers served in the Asian capital where we are living.

Thank you for your response.


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## Dollystanford

How awful - I'm so sorry. But he sounds like an absolute idiot - what possible reason could a 20 year old woman have for being interested in someone 40 years older than her? 

His distance from you has everything to do with this woman as does his rewriting of history to make him feel better about what he's doing. Whatever happens you can't let him carry on with this woman and still be married to you. Are you financially independent of him? I know it's hard and that you will be scared of the answer but he needs an ultimatum - be prepared for him to choose her. He's flattered by the attentions of this woman - there's really no fool like an old fool. I think you should tell your kids too, be prepared for him to get angry about that


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## MattMatt

Protect yourself financially.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disconnected

Hello Dollystanford, thank you for your comments.

H is 63 and OW is 27. (A very young and immature 27. OW life has been very sheltered compared to most Western young people of the same age). They met online 5 years ago while I was very busy at the office. He was making a product and she is the agent for a packaging company in the Asian capital that we are living in. Their connection was all about his product and her company's packaging. It progressed to an EA in Sep/Oct 2012 while I was in Australia on "grandparent duties".

I find it very hard to see why these young Asian women are so attracted to older men, especially older married men. Young Asian women are mostly very beautiful so therefore I can see why older (and married) men are attracted to them.

One notable marriage is that of Rupert Murdoch and Deng Wen Ge (Wendi Deng). Deng Wen Ge is Chinese, and has been married twice ... the first marriage was to an American approx 30 years older than her. Deng Wen Ge's first husband was already married, but the involvement with her broke up his first marriage. Rupert Murdoch became her second husband when she was 31, and he was 67 or 68. This is a similar age difference as between my H and his OW. Rupert Murdoch had two sons and two daughters from his first two marriages ... my husband and I have two daughters and two sons from our marriage. 

Deng Wen Ge went on to have two daughters with Rupert Murdoch ... I am concerned that my H and his OW might eventually have two children (two daughters perhaps?) ... I think that will devastate my four children. But there is nothing I can do about that if it progresses in that way.

Regarding financial independence ... neither H nor I are financially independent at this time as we have joint property and joint bank account. Having said that I could probably manage fiancnailly if I did separate and move back home.

At the same time, I am concerned about my husband. I think he is suffering from a very late mid-life crisis. The OW has made herself available, and he thinks he is a K.I.S.A.

I have the contact details of OW's family, but I will never contact them or tell them about what she is doing. OW is very immature ... fact!! (I could not take the chance that she might harm herself ... I do not want the blame for something like that ... it would not be my fault, but I would be very worried about being blamed).

A while back she told H and I that she and fellow students polished up their English skills by watching Desperate Housewives. (I have never watched Desperate Housewives, so do not want to make negative comments about that programme ... but the title itself doesn't sound very empowering to me. I sometimes think I am living in a soap opera, and am powerless to get out of it). On the other hand, OW probably thinks this whole situation is very exciting, with the power that she has over my H, and I believe she frequently asks H my reaction to various situations. 

I make sure that I keep distanced from such nonsense.

Thank you for listening to all this.


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## ubercoolpanda

What does KISA mean? 

Do you think she is after your husband for financial reasons? Or for a green card?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## movin on

You have her family contact info but do not want to expose the affair? You will find exposure is a very important step in stopping the affair.they are having their cake and eating it to
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disconnected

Hello ubercoolpanda

KISA = knight in shining armour.

H and I are not American, but she may be looking to coming to our home country - Australia. 

H said that she is not after money ... but I am not so sure. I do not know if any funds are findiing their way to her. I would say that he is paying for their 'dates' and 'weekend outings'. 

H has always looked after the money side ... he was not happy when I started to take an active interest in our joint bank account. I am now monitoring all activities in this account but haven't detected anything yet. But I am watching this very closely.

H and OW go on dates together most evenings, and on weekends. There is nothing I can do about that (except cry a lot!! - in private).

Thanks for asking your questions.


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## movin on

And if they spent 5 days together on holiday they probably had sex. Don't buy the her culture won't allow it. By the sounds of it her nor your husband are worried about it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## movin on

So you h and ow go on dates and there is nothing you can do ? Yes there is seperate finances, get an attorney, they met through work so expose to both there employers, and expose to her family. You most certainly should not be sitting around crying when he is dating her. Take action
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disconnected

Hello movin on

Thank you for your useful comment.

I could not take the chance on OW harming herself. The Asian culture is very big on "saving face". Exposure of this EA to the family would be far too risky. I do not want to be the reason for any idiotic action (ie self-harm) that OW might take.

Three of my children know about the EA (and possible PA); the fourth child will hear about it from me in about ten days when I can see him/her in person.

My sister and brother-in-law know all the details and have been my main support during all of this.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I'm so sorry your living this.

I doubt he's been unhappy for the last 20 years. He is feeding her a bunch of lies and will continue to lie to you and to everyone he comes in contact with. 

My ex h was unfaithful and I left. We only had 1 child together. I never did get the full truth from my ex h, he fed me lie after lie of his infidelity. Infidelity is a deal breaker for me and I make that very clear. I also wasn't married as long as you were when I found out. I can't imagine what your going through and I'm so very sorry.


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## Dollystanford

disconnected said:


> H said that she is not after money ... but I am not so sure. I do not know if any funds are findiing their way to her. I would say that he is paying for their 'dates' and 'weekend outings'.


Well then he's utterly delusional
Of course she wants his money and the chance of a life in Oz...I mean when she's 37 (my age) he'll be 73. Errr, no.


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## NextTimeAround

movin on said:


> And if they spent 5 days together on holiday they probably had sex. Don't buy the her culture won't allow it. By the sounds of it her nor your husband are worried about it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, really. Asian history is replete with stories of concubines .....as is western history.


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## NextTimeAround

Dollystanford said:


> How awful - I'm so sorry. But he sounds like an absolute idiot - what possible reason could a 20 year old woman have for being interested in someone 40 years older than her?
> 
> His distance from you has everything to do with this woman as does his rewriting of history to make him feel better about what he's doing. Whatever happens you can't let him carry on with this woman and still be married to you. Are you financially independent of him? I know it's hard and that you will be scared of the answer but he needs an ultimatum - be prepared for him to choose her. He's flattered by the attentions of this woman - there's really no fool like an old fool. I think you should tell your kids too, be prepared for him to get angry about that



Yeah, men really fool themselves about this. I hate to sound cold and practical, but really, what use does a young attractive woman have for married older man unless he has money (more than she does at least), good connections or the promise of a visa to get out of the hell hole that she's in.

Even Murdoch's wife broke up at least one marriage and committed adultery before she got to Murdoch.


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## warlock07

What country is the woman from ? Did you find any details about her ? How did he meet her ?

This man is disgusting. He is 60 and is talking about kids with that woman in her 20's ? Do the kids know this part of his affair ?

This is not KISA. This is self centred narcissist syndrome. The man you loved has changed. Inform his family on what you found out. You seem to be blinded out of love. The time has come where you have to accept that your marriage ended. You are only hurting yourself by prolonging the situation and letting him continue his behavior.

Three months ago he took time off from his job to travel to another part of the country ... where he met up with YAW ... and they had a lovely 5 day holiday together. During this time I was alone at home, crying and trying to cope with this horrible situation.


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## movin on

You should expose both at there place of work. Seperate finances and when h cries about it tell him to speak with your attorney.you stay home and cry while he dates ow. You need to take action, you told your children now tell ow family. The fact that she will be looked down on for her behavior is no concern of yours. She is having an affair with your h. Her well being is the last thing you should worry about. Fight for what is yours, don't stand by and let h and ow walk all over you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## movin on

She is most likely giving your h sex for money. You should not be sitting idle waiting to see what happens, take control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever

She is going to make a fool of him. There is no way a 20 something GIRL Is interested in a 60+ old man. Sorry gentleman ...I happen to think you older guys are sexier than socks on a roaster but your in my age bracket. There is no fool like an old fool ..... does he have a brother or cousin or close friend you could have try and talk some sence into him with. He is going to feel really foolish when he realizes what she is really using him for. She either wants out of her country...out of her family...money...or a sugar daddy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever

Your going to have to quit looking at the other women through a mothers eyes ...she is not your child!!!! She is a preditor...and her prey is your husband!!! You need to pick up your big girl pants and decide to fight for what is yours....

If you have her email address search for all the profile she has online. I bet she is a player...escort. I bet there are boyfriends galore out there and some her own age. Don't just sit there....hire a PI to investigate her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FlyingThePhoenix

Hello Disconnected,

I'm sorry your going through this. Your username speaks volumes to me. It's NOW TIME for YOU to get *Reconnected* and take charge of that "Plonker" husband of yours. 



disconnected said:


> Hello movin on
> 
> Thank you for your useful comment.
> 
> *I could not take the chance on OW harming herself*. The Asian culture is very big on "saving face". Exposure of this EA to the family would be far too risky. *I do not want to be the reason for any idiotic action (ie self-harm) that OW might take.*
> 
> *The OW's morals and culture went down the toilet when she started having an affair with your husband. It's TIME for you to GET ANGRY and start protecting yourself and your family.*
> 
> *Your husband and OW have both humiliated YOU and broken your heart. Let me be blunt! I don't care for the OW's culture or her pathetic value system, which I very much doubt she had one to begin with and if she hurts herself, not my concern OR YOURS!. *
> 
> Three of my children know about the EA (and possible PA); the fourth child will hear about it from me in about ten days when I can see him/her in person.
> 
> *Did you confirm the children actually said to their father, to divorce you if he wasn't happy with you? If answer is NO than he just lied to you, and since you children are now adults have the right to defend themselves against any false lies their father has stated.*
> 
> My sister and brother-in-law know all the details and have been my main support during all of this.
> 
> *Great!, expose your husband to ALL your family and friends, don't worry about hurting his feelings, because he doesn't care about hurting you.*


*You husband see himself as a KISA, the OW sees him as a Sugar Daddy! Nothing more or less.*

_BTW look up the definition of "*plonker*" in the English Encarta (UK) dictionary. (1) and (2) are your husband! But (1) is YOU, and that's NOT me saying that to you! That's your husband saying that to you. (Sorry if that's sound cold)_

If you're angry, great! It's time to fight!


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## LongWalk

Uncle on my father's side moved from an Asian country to US as a young man. Got his PhD, married a PhD from the UK. Both had good jobs at a big university. He became chair of dept. When all the children were grown he went to eastern Europe and got mixed up with a much younger researcher. The disparity in age made the affair seem mercenary. Turned out they both divorced to marry, although it cost my uncle big time.

His kids did not like her at all. They never accepted her. She constantly and to this day sends out emails in his memory – he died way earlier, he was older, right? – to extended family. I only met her twice. However, I know that if I wrote her, I she would dive into a correspondence willingly. In short, she is not mentally well balanced.

So, while it is entirely likely that your H's OW is mercenary. She may also be a nut case. This could be a psychological drama. Your H could be filling a role in her needy psyche. He has little to gain by this in normal terms of measurement, but love and stupidity are compatible.

My uncle for the most part disinherited his four biological children (two girls and two boys). I think he willed his daughters 5,000 dollars each, not much for the lifetime of a professor.

What did nutty OW bring to the table, except youth? Well, she made uncle feel better about his terrible mistakes: compulsive gambling on the stock market and tax fraud. My aunt was not happy about the economic devastation on her savings.

She was an English professor and always talked rings around him since English was his second language. By having the OW, whose English not so great, he got to have a wife who could not show him up in social gatherings.

Do not underestimate the ability of people in an affair to act stupidly. 

Your children have everything to lose by him committing to her. Calling her mom will not come easily. The idea of a love child will revolt them. Bring them on board to destroy the affair asap. They will jolt him.

Regardless of what OW's motives are (longing for Vegemite or whatever), she is filling a spot in your husband's mixed up head. He may have felt emasculated by being the tag along husband. That may have eaten at him for years. The fact that he got an assignment may raised his self-esteem in an unhealthy way, i.e., now he has a job and to match it he will upgrade to a new spouse.

From a biological POV he is increasing the spread of his genes. Your children are all adults who can fend for themselves.

Whatever he now has with OW has a relatively short history. You should consider filing for D asap to protect yourself financially. If her family would not support this relationship, you should seriously consider informing them of the A. However, if it is a country that stones adulterers, please do not... unless you want him stoned, too.

Get your children going asap. Which child is closest to him. If my uncle's favorite daughter had been there to reason with him, she might have swayed him. But she had left home at that point.

Does OW have a FB page can you figure out what sort of person she is.

Be prepared to lose your marriage, your husband sounds like he has dived in without any plan.

footnote: my aunt, in her 80s is alive and well. She has boyfriend, another retired professor who lived a few doors down from us when I was a boy. The will that disinherited my cousins was written on the back of a paper napkin. My cousin, a wealthy doctor who didn't need his money anyway, noted sadly that the will was written while his father was "sex drunk".


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## jnj express

he has no reality with her---give him a dose of reality---tell everyone in the family what is going on, and file for D

If and when he wakes up, and he will wake up---then it is up to you whether to keep rolling toward D---or allow him to have a R, with you

If you R, tho, it is with strict boundaries, and consequences

You have to know----retirement is like no other time in your life---you are with each other 24/7----there is no job to go to, and give you a break from constantly being with your partner----you need to know exactly what you want----for the rest of your time, on this planet

Your H, is a fool, that 40 yr. age difference, is gonna hit him and his AP, like a ton of bricks--------then for him the question becomes, will you or won't you be there to pick up the pieces


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## ubercoolpanda

I know this will sound harsh, but I think you're slightly indenial. You need to STOP being a doormat to this man. 

He KNOWS that you know he is meeting this OW, knows how heartbreaking it must be for you yet still does it. He had absolutely no respect for you or the marriage. 

You need to give him an ultimatum otherwise he'll continue doing what he's doing.

I definitely think you should expose the OW to the workplace. It might get your partner to "snap" out of this fog that he's in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy

Know what?

Let them have each other. She'll kick him to the curb soon enough. And then where he'll be? Missing you and feeling like a fool. And so be it. His conduct is unconscionable at best. Show the family some emails and send him to his lover. I mean, how can you go into retirement with this hanging overt your relationship forever. Unload him, and have a blessed time with kids and grand kids.


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## Shaggy

First they are having sex. The claim it would be unacceptable in her culture is total drivel.

As for what she's getting out of it, that is obvious - money and down the road a path to your country via your husband.

She's not naive or innocent, she's knows exactly what she's doing,she's classically gold digging.


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## Caribbean Man

Dollystanford said:


> Well then he's utterly delusional
> Of course she wants his money and the chance of a life in Oz...I mean when she's 37 (my age) he'll be 73. Errr, no.


:iagree:

This is flabbergasting!
Its hard to believe that this man would throw 40 years of marriage,
40 years of travelling together and working overseas , meeting new people and cultures for a 20 -something yr old woman?

What could he possibly see in her?

OP, sorry to read about your situation.
But you need to give him an ultimatum.
Either he breaks off all contact with her and both of you try to mend the marriage [ if you think its worth it , at this stage of your life ] or seek divorce , so that you can regain some of your self respect / esteem.


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## daggeredheart

It's time to let it burn .......are you going stand up and defend 40 years of history or are you going to slip away???? No my lady.....you bring their shame to the light like the fourth of July and set it blazing!!!!


You reach in deep and find that inner diva and fight fight fight....for your dignity!!! He thinks he can throw around words like "unhappy for twenty years"....and that you fight too much? Pffftt ....

Fool of the highest magnitude. There is a shelf life of age gaps and a 40 year one is beyond Hefner status....it's pathetic. 

This is from a article about this very subject. 


One of the basic rules of tennis applies here: If you want to improve your skills, you need to play someone who is (at a minimum) at your own level. As sophisticated as a 20-something may be, she will be more so—with a more exquisite bull**** detector—in her 40s. When older men date much younger women, they cheat themselves out of an opportunity to be matched with a partner with the maturity to see them as they really are. Depression, the research shows, peaks for men in their mid-to-late 40s. In the face of statistics like those, middle-aged men can't afford to choose partners who lack the life experience to provide the right kind of challenge.


What If Men Stopped Chasing Much-Younger Women? - Hugo Schwyzer - The Atlantic


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## phillybeffandswiss

disconnected said:


> Hello movin on
> 
> Thank you for your useful comment.
> 
> I could not take the chance on OW harming herself. The Asian culture is very big on "saving face". Exposure of this EA to the family would be far too risky. I do not want to be the reason for any idiotic action (ie self-harm) that OW might take.


Are you Asian and is it your culture?


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## Wiserforit

The only issue of consequence here is that we have a man who is being unfaithful to his wife. The age of the girl, her race, everything about her is utterly irrelevant to the core issue of infidelity. 

The presciption for this is the same as always. Read up on the 180 in my signature below, *disconnected*. You have to give this guy an ultimatum, and if he runs off with her, that's what happens. It is irrelevant whether they crash and burn or live happily ever after. You need to draw a line in the sand and prepare for life without him. A person has to be willing to lose their marriage to save it, and go on with life either way. 

But the status quo of an affair cannot be tolerated. And he's banging her. Well, if he isn't then he's an idiot.


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## PamJ

I also doubt your husband has been unhappy for 20 years. it is amazing what they can convince themselves of when another woman comes along to stroke their egos.

As far as the age difference goes, I myself dated a man 20 years older than me when I was in my early 20s. We were both single, so no affair, and no, I did not want to marry him and have his babies , much to his dismay, but it was fun. He was more worldy, took me to the best places, bought me things etc. Actually the me not marrying him thing is what pretty much broke us up, and me finding someone closer to my age that I actually had things in common with more than dining and shopping.

I am sorry you are experiencing this when you should be entering your golden years together in retirement. My H is 60 and I am almost 58, too old to be dealing with the crap (an online ,phone, etc EA, no PA) If we were not to make it, as in if he ever does this again, I cannot imagine what my life will become, but it would be better even alone than in that torturous limbo again.


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## SaltInWound

This situation sounds very similar to a poster by the name of missmolly.


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## disconnected

Thank you everyone for your responses. I am very grateful that you have taken the time to read the thread and offer advice.

to SaltInWound - I am up to page 17 (of 30+ pages) of missmolly's thread in "Coping with INfidelity" ... 

I am thinking of leaving my husband immediately ... I don't like what I am reading about what missmolly has gone through/is going through.

I will continue reading her thread ...

thank you for letting me know about this. 

I am impressed by some of the responses to missmolly ...


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## disconnected

SaltInWound said:


> This situation sounds very similar to a poster by the name of missmolly.


I've just finished reading the missmolly thread "not handling this very well". 

I have been married over 41 years, and it is very very difficult coming to terms with the ending of the marriage, and the 'theft' of our planned future. The only way I thought that our marriage would end was when one of us died.

OK - so the marriage has died but he is alive and well. Therefore I can only wish him and YAW a life together, and that it should be far away from me. 

But - missmolly is still going through hell. I am so very very sorry about that. I will keep following MM's thread, and hope that she comes through ok.


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## Openminded

Yes, missmolly's story very closely resembles yours. And missmolly understandably has had a very difficult time coming to terms with it.

Those of us in our 60's seeing long-term marriages disintegrating are becoming more the norm it seems. I am choosing to end my 45 year marriage (due to his cheating many years ago and then again a few years ago) and finally feel good about myself for doing so. 

It's certainly not the life any of us expected to be living in our "golden years" but it's reality.


----------



## alte Dame

I think what you and missmolly have to deal with is a long-term marriage with a man who is suddenly in the position to have a much younger woman take his advances seriously enough to break up his marriage. Both your H and missmolly's have met women who are not like Pam in the post above, who really never considered anything serious with the older man.

missmolly's H initially had a lot of guilt and second thoughts about what he was doing, but then finally said, 'F*ck it. I'm 65 years old. I may never have a chance to be 'happy' again. Why shouldn't I just go for it? I could die tomorrow. Why not just die happy?' And he hasn't looked back. He knows he is losing his children and grandchildren. He knows the pain his BW is in. He has just decided that in this last, final phase of his life, he's going to do what makes him happy.

If the much younger woman didn't encourage him with her act that she's serious about him as a life partner (it's pretty clear that he's a sugar daddy), he most likely would have held on to his marriage and remained respectable and respectful to his W and family.

Your H's OW is likewise encouraging your H to be with her and to talk about marrying her and having children. He may be an old fool, but if he is, she's not the one telling him that. She's letting him say, 'Why not go for it? Why not be happy?'


----------



## See_Listen_Love

Why not giving it a last shot by just throwing him on the rocks, while financially securing yourself?

You need to understand he is in the Fog, and about everything he said for a long time is a lie. Like every other WS, if you tell him to go marry this women, he may find reality is going to be different than the fantasy now.

You try to explain things rational, but he is not rational. Rationalizing yes, but that is a different thing.


----------



## disconnected

As with all these situations, there are many more details that I could add to my story/

H's OW met my 36 yr old (single) son last year - he was visiting his father and I in the Asian capital that we live in. She asked him to go to the movies with her, but he picked up straight away that there was a romantic interest, so he declined. She lost "face" in a big way over that. But our son was not going to go down that road at all.

Anyway, fast forward to when I was in Australia looking after my grandchild for 6 months, and surprise surprise, she and my husband are involved in an EA (at the very least).

Well, she might have my husband but she will NEVER EVER get my son. So be it ... she can have the old 63 year old goat!!


----------



## Acabado

What does your son think about his dad affair?

ETA
Does your husband know about OW's attempt to hook up with his son?


----------



## disconnected

See_Listen_Love said:


> Why not giving it a last shot by just throwing him on the rocks, while financially securing yourself?
> 
> You need to understand he is in the Fog, and about everything he said for a long time is a lie. Like every other WS, if you tell him to go marry this women, he may find reality is going to be different than the fantasy now.
> 
> You try to explain things rational, but he is not rational. Rationalizing yes, but that is a different thing.


I am working away on financial arrangements behind the scenes, but it won't happen overnight.

After reading posts from others and yourself, I now realise that many of my husband's comments are lies - but he had me convinced that everything is my fault. I believed him! Good grief...

He can have his freedom - -


----------



## NextTimeAround

disconnected said:


> As with all these situations, there are many more details that I could add to my story/
> 
> H's AW met my 36 yr old (single) son last year - he was visiting his father and I in the Asian capital that we live in. She asked him to go to the movies with her, but he picked up straight away that there was a romantic interest, so he declined. She lost "face" in a big way over that. But our son was not going to go down that road at all.
> 
> Anyway, fast forward to when I was in Australia looking after my grandchild for 6 months, and surprise surprise, she and my husband are involved in an EA (at the very least).
> 
> Well, she might have my husband but she will NEVER EVER get my son. So be it ... she can have the old 63 year old goat!!


When this woman was visitng you and yourhusband -- in order to meet your son -- how was she presented to you? as your husband's business partner?


----------



## disconnected

Acabado said:


> What does your son think about his dad affair?
> 
> ETA
> Does your husband know about OW's attempt to hook up with his son?


We still think that it is an EA.

My husband knew about the proposed date for the movies. He felt sorry for her because she is such a nice young woman who was only trying to be friendly. She said that there were no strings attached, and that she was just "trying to be friendly" to a 'visitor' ie our son.

She lost a huge amount of face when our son didn't go on the movie date.

My husband made his move in Oct 2012 - unbeknown to me of course at that time.

Our son isn't telling me what he thinks. He is sitting on the fence as he doesn't want to take sides.


----------



## disconnected

NextTimeAround said:


> When this woman was visitng you and yourhusband -- in order to meet your son -- how was she presented to you? as your husband's business partner?


H and OW met five years ago via the internet, doing business. I met her several times in person, but never had the same amount of contact because I was always working long hours at the office.

There was never any reason not to trust my husband. This was the fourth time I had been assigned a position overseas, so it never occurred to me that he would be interested in someone five years younger than our youngest child.

She came across as someone trying to improve her English and also how to deal with/relate to foreigners. H and I were only too happy to help. (Crikey .. I now recall that Deng Wen Ge used the same tactics!!)


----------



## warlock07

I think you should expose the women to her family. Let her learn that you cannot get away by sh!tting on other people's lives


----------



## disconnected

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Are you Asian and is it your culture?


We are both a mix of English/Irish/Scottish, plus my husband has some French. I am Catholic and he is agnostic.


----------



## warlock07

Which country is the woman from ?


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

disconnected said:


> *H and AW met five years ago via the internet, doing business. I met her several times in person, but never had the same amount of contact because I was always working long hours at the office.*
> 
> There was never any reason not to trust my husband. This was the fourth time I had been assigned a position overseas, so it never occurred to me that he would be interested in someone five years younger than our youngest child.
> 
> She came across as someone trying to improve her English and also how to deal with/relate to foreigners. H and I were only too happy to help. (Crikey .. I now recall that Deng Wen Ge used the same tactics!!)


FIVE Years! That's means he disconnected from you all those years ago and played dumb and stupid! What a Man, Husband, Father, Grand Father, he needs to grow a pair of, you know what.

After reading your posts, I've decided I still want YOU to FIGHT, but instead of fighting for the marriage that actually ended 5 years ago, I want YOU to fight for YOU! Sc1ew your husband and he's a BIGGER PLONKER than I first thought (Sorry I had to say that!)

Make sure you blow up his affair to the family/friends children etc..... and DON'T YOU feel sorry about her Asian culture back ground, sooner or later reality will set in, with a BIG SLAP in the FACE!

You sound very calm and your words are written with conviction, must be your strong morals! I like that! You know the old saying : *"Stay calm and carry on!"* *Own these words. They belong to YOU NOW! *


----------



## disconnected

warlock07 said:


> Which country is the woman from ?


Very sorry, but I would rather not say. As mentioned before, it is somewhere in North Asia ... ROK (South Korea), Japan, Taipei, China, Hong Kong, Mongolia.

Hope you understand. Thanks


----------



## aug

disconnected said:


> Very sorry, but I would rather not say. As mentioned before, it is somewhere in North Asia ... ROK (South Korea), Japan, Taipei, China, Hong Kong, Mongolia.
> 
> Hope you understand. Thanks



There's no such thing as losing face in any of these societies. If there was, adultery would not be as rampant as it is there. And, in fact, it's quite common in China, Hong Kong, Japan and Taiwan.

This losing face is a facade.


----------



## alte Dame

disconnected said:


> After reading posts from others and yourself, I now realise that many of my husband's comments are lies - but he had convinced that everything is my fault. I believed him! Good grief...
> 
> He can have his freedom - -


Keep in mind that it is human nature to not want to be the bad guy. People convince themselves that up is down and black is white in order to not be a bad person. Rewriting marital history is absolutely, completely, totally par for the course with infidelity. Your H has needed to make you the problem in order to justify his indefensible behavior. 'Good people do bad things for the right reason,' and all that.

Glad to hear that you are seeing through that. Please don't let him take you down the path that missmolly has taken - her H knows that he has put her in the hospital and he keeps going. You can just hear the mantra in his head - 'She's her own person. I'm not responsible for her happiness. I'm not responsible. I'm not responsible....'


----------



## aug

The OW is looking for a sugar daddy. Bet you she has other boyfriends on the side. What and how much do you know of this other woman?

Your idiot husband has not learn life yet even though he's older.


----------



## warlock07

I was guessing China, Thailand or Philippines. As far as I know(I could be wrong here), only women(or men) from these countries are bothered about English. Was only interested in asking you about the country because of the different modus operandi they follow.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your family knows and it is your H that cheated.

Have you re-considered exposing her to her family ? Worried about her even after what she did could be misplaced empathy. Think about it. If anything, being exposed would give her a chance to face her true-self and grow up. And probably stop her from destroying another family and another woman like you when your H is done serving his purpose.

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." - (Edmund Burke)


----------



## Acabado

It's a shame OW is far away. Maybe she's not completely out of reach though, if you can afford a PI to get intel on her. If she has some dirt you can always break the bubble with a reality check.
When someone is so determined the only way I see is hitting them hard with reality, finances, knocking off the pedestal the idol, reputation, loved ones respect...


----------



## Singleton

Disconnected,

I am a new poster here but I have participated in other forums about marriage and relationships in general. I was on both sides. In my first marriage I was the WH. In my second, I was cheated on.

I absolutely do not believe in "midlife crisis" myth! I snapped out of it very quickly but it was late to save my marriage. It was OW's BDay and at that time I was on a tight budget. I had to decide: Should I get OW a dozen of red roses or should I get new shoes for my kids. I bought the shoes for my kids. My children were always my Northern Star in my life.

My second wife left me for the POSOM who I knew. He is leaving his wife to be with now my ex-wife. She has BPD and she will leave him too sooner or later. She is now his problem not mine!

I have nothing good to say about your "wonderful" husband. I hear stories how people who make it after an affair have even stronger marriage. I believe that it could be the case. However, i do not think it happens often. Therefore, prepare yourself for the worst. Take care of yourself first and secure your own future and the future of your own children. There is a good chance that your husband will die as an old, lonely fool. However, give him one last chance. He would have to completely stop all communications with OW right NOW. that would be a good first step.

BTW your are mentioning Rupert. Hardly someone who I admire!! Old, ugly, narcissistic fool. That is how I seem him. Would you marry him?

I wish you the best!


----------



## disconnected

warlock07 said:


> I think you should expose the women to her family. Let her learn that you cannot get away by sh!tting on other people's lives


Thank you for your advice.

You are right, of course. But I cannot take the risk of her harming herself. I woul get the blame for that, and therefore I am not willing to go that far.

I would dearly love to let her family know ... I would happily cause her as much turmoil as possible if I could -- but just can't do it.

It is harder not to let the family know, in my opinion.


----------



## SaltInWound

disconnected said:


> Thank you for your advice.
> 
> You are right, of course. But I cannot take the risk of her harming herself. I woul get the blame for that, and therefore I am not willing to go that far.


Oh please! And you could just as easily harm yourself over the loss of a long marriage. Do you really think that wh0re really cares about what you do to yourself? She probably wishes you would just hurry up and die so she can have it all!


----------



## disconnected

warlock07 said:


> I was guessing China, Thailand or Philippines. As far as I know(I could be wrong here), only women(or men) from these countries are bothered about English. Was only interested in asking you about the country because of the different modus operandi they follow.
> 
> You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your family knows and it is your H that cheated.
> 
> Have you re-considered exposing her to her family ? Worried about her even after what she did could be misplaced empathy. Think about it. If anything, being exposed would give her a chance to face her true-self and grow up. And probably stop her from destroying another family and another woman like you when your H is done serving his purpose.
> 
> "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." - (Edmund Burke)


I won't be letting her family know. Three years ago there was a suicide in our extended family. She was 26. The pain that her death caused within our family was horrific. Also, I would not want to be blamed ...


----------



## warlock07

Ok,I won't argue your decision about this but how do you know that she is suicidal? Does she have a history of mental illness? Did your H tell you?


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

Hello Disconnected, 



disconnected said:


> Thank you for your advice.
> 
> You are right, of course. But I cannot take the risk of her harming herself. I woul get the blame for that, and therefore I am not willing to go that far.
> 
> I would dearly love to let her family know ... I would happily cause her as much turmoil as possible if I could -- but just can't do it.
> 
> It is harder not to let the family know, in my opinion.


I see your morals kicking in here BIG TIME; you're just too much of a LADY to go down that road aren't you?

Aren’t you worried about your husband and OW rewriting the history of your marriage for the last 5 years?

They’ll blame you for the failure of the marriage if your not careful; you may get burned pretty badly for your husband’s problems.


----------



## Acabado

Disconnected, friend, you need to get your beatch pants just NOW.
Get intel on her, on her conections, expose her nad him to the world.
Also protect your self financialy.

BTW, stop the nonsense of being that old lady, you are just fabulous.


----------



## Remains

She doesn't live in the middle east. Expose her. She is NOT your family! She is risking yours though! She is decimating yours! Expose!


----------



## Remains

......please.


----------



## Remains

I won't bring it up again either.


----------



## Overthemoon88

Disconnected,

I have been travelling, jetlagged for the first 24 hours, wifi a bit patchy at FIL's, otherwise good at the hotel. Lots of loved ones to catch up with on this trip. Came across your thread but never had a chance to respond until now .....

How I wish I could reach out across the screen and give you a BIG HUG ... I do ... My heart goes out to you. I reckon you read my thread too. To think that your H is willing to throw away a 4-decade of M is unfathomable to me or any sane person.

Only YOU know if you want to R or D. No one else can tell you which is the lesser evil.

After DD1, i was determined to save my M, for my child, for the love of the man I married, for the past we had, for the future I thought we had. I rarely posted on CWI but I devoured almost every post there is on CWI. I set NC as a non-negotiable mandate. I exposed to family and friends, except those I refrained due to percepted health condition (my mum and FIL).

Like you, I was worried that the young, immature OW would top herself. My STBXH's OW came across on the explosive phone call to me as a [email protected], yet I sensed an undertone of vulnerability in her. I remember begging her at the end of an hour long phone call not to "do anything stupid. He's not worth it".

Of course, in retropect, I was in a state of shock. My self-preservation mode was not switched on yet. 

I opted to R after DD1. My STBX went through a phase of blame shifting (red flag, red flag!!). In his fog, he reckoned that if he had never met OW, our M would have failed also. Really ??? Prior to DD1, I thought we had a blissful M !!! So did everyone else in our lives. He attributed his 'stepping out of his boundary' to my not wearing my wedding ring for the last 2 years ... Hello !!! He knows I had chronic eczema !! He accompanied me to my visits to the dermatologist. He knows I can't wear any form of jewelry !!! Another mind boggling excuse of his is I "refused to have a second child'. I was astounded by it all.

Alas, towards the end, it seemed like I was the only one fighting for this M. The reality is STBX went underground with his A. The truth could not be hidden for long. DD2 was less than a month ago. I made up my mind that there is no chance of another R. The man I loved completely and unconditionally has died.

Stay strong, Disconnected. The support you received and will continue to receive from the good people on this forum will see you through. But please reach out to your family members and friends too. Do NOT accept being anyone's second best or PLAN B. 

Take care.

You are in my thoughts.


----------



## disconnected

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> Hello Disconnected,
> 
> 
> 
> I see your morals kicking in here BIG TIME; you're just too much of a LADY to go down that road aren't you?
> 
> Aren’t you worried about your husband and OW rewriting the history of your marriage for the last 5 years?
> 
> They’ll blame you for the failure of the marriage if your not careful; you may get burned pretty badly for your husband’s problems.


Hello FTP

Thank you for your guidance.

Not sure that I grasp the significance of being blamed for the failure of the marriage. Do you mean that I might get the blame if this proceeds to divorce? In my home country the only grounds for divorce are irreconcilable differences. This involves two years separation, then divorce. There is no blame.

Could you please clarify for me. Thank you.


----------



## committed1217

sorry you are going through this. It is such a hard thing to face. It is unbelievable how these husbands in good marriages who profess love and devotion can just toss it all away. It is frustrating when they listen to the OW and not their wife /partner for the past 20+ years. 
I have no real advice for you disconnected, I am still struggling to figure my own situation out. All I can say is: your feelings will probably be unstable for a while. You will feel strong and self assured, proud of yourself and then moments later be crying again asking "why me"? This is normal and to be expected. I can tell you that everyday that passes will bring you a hint more clarity to what you need to do for yourself. Start doing the 180. It will help you to feel better. 
I loved my husband immensely and thought I could NEVER be happy with out him. Very slowly this is changing. I still wish this nightmare never happened, but my feelings for him are changing. I see what a fool he is, and how hard he worked on lying to me. 
Listen to all the advice you get here. Look after yourself. Get your financials in order and be honest with the people around you. I think the language "Exposing the affair" seems harsh and vindictive to those of us just new to this mess. I prefer to look at it this way...He has betrayed me with all the lies he has told me and our friends and family. I am tired of having these lies in my life. I will not participate in them anymore. I speak only the truth. If he doesn't like the truth then maybe he needs to take a good look at his behaviour and make some changes!
Best of luck. Take it moment by moment at the beginning.


----------



## missmolly

I can't give you any advice, but I sure know how gutted you must feel and my heart goes out to you.
I reached the point where I could no longer even write about my situation.


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

disconnected said:


> Hello FTP
> 
> Thank you for your guidance.
> 
> Not sure that I grasp the significance of being blamed for the failure of the marriage. Do you mean that I might get the blame if this proceeds to divorce? In my home country the only grounds for divorce are irreconcilable differences. This involves two years separation, then divorce. There is no blame.
> 
> Could you please clarify for me. Thank you.


Hello Disconnected _(for now…),_

You said your husband wasn’t happy for the last 20 years, I can’t believe that for one minute otherwise you or someone in the family or friends would have noticed this at some point. So those are just hollow words from him rather than admitting anything factual. 

There’s two parts to your statement so let’s break them down:

*1. Failure of the Marriage.*
If nothing changes and your husband continues his affair in front of you, your children (adults), family and friends than at some point some of them will start taking sides slowly, and may blame you for the failure of the marriage for not meeting your husbands, so called needs. By your own admission around 5 years ago they meet over the internet and you met her several times, it was at this time you worked longer hours and he spent more time with her. He became emotionally disconnected from you before this and now started connecting to the OW, and this continued until today. So, they may blame you indirectly for pushing him towards the OW, 5 years ago NOW! But just remember this is one view at blaming you, your husband had 5 years to talk to you about his true feelings, he did nothing, so he will spin the lies to make himself the victim and you the guilty party. 

*2. Separation and Divorce.
*The law states there is no blame, but you have to wait for 2 years until the divorce is final. But someone needs to take the blame here; your husband doesn’t care, so right now it’s him that everyone is eyeing as the guilty party here not you. Now that everyone knows, and you’ve decided not to fight but just let him go, they may think it was you that disconnected from him 5 years ago and slowly pushed him into the arms of the OW. This is a possibility. 

You need to sit down with your husband and have a serious One-to-One open conversation on what’s going on in his mind and what he wants from you. He’s had 5 years to emotionally connect to the OW so you have a battle on your hands, but if your husband continues spinning his lies than fight to protect yourself and at every opportunity remind him he had 5 years to communicate his true feelings about the marriage with you and he did nothing. 

Remember point (1) has already happened there’s nothing you can do about that, but point (2) is where you are now and you need to make a decision to fight or flight?

You have 2 years to fight, but should you fight, if your husband really doesn’t want the marriage anymore? If you don’t at least try and fight to win him back, someone, family and friends will blame you if at the end of the 2 years separation, it does end in divorce. If your husband just wants out of the marriage than he needs to tell everyone NOW that your marriage is dead, so no one can play the blame game at you NOW or in 2 years’ time.

Just remember, your son is already on the “fence” not wanting to take sides. I’m sorry that’s BS, he needs to take sides, your side, and he won’t be the only one. *Your husband NEEDS to MAN-UP and COME CLEAN TO EVERYONE WHERE HE STANDS, so you can move on with your life*.


----------



## Iver

disconnected,

I understand you don't wish to expose the affair to the OW's family...I think that is a mistake but you have expressed your reasons clearly. So be it.

You seem like a very nice person. Unfortunately society can be very unkind to nice people. 

Just realize being nice often entails paying a very high price...

Think about it.


----------



## disconnected

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond, and provide me with very good advice.

I am travelling at the moment, but will be back on-line on Sunday - at which time I will respond to the posts, and provide an update. (Not much really to report at this stage though).

Thank you all once again.

Just to add that I had never heard of this website ten days ago, and neither did I realise just the huge amount of infidelity that occurs - both EA and PA. It is terrible. And one thing that I have noticed is that there seems to be no accountability by the person who is having the affair. 

People like my husband think it is ok to wreck a marriage - and then expect everything to fall into place for them. They try to justify what they are doing.

Anyway, I will get back on Sunday. Take care everyone.


----------



## disconnected

disconnected said:


> My husband and I are in our early 60s, and have been married for over 40 years. We have four adult children ranging in age from early to late 30s, and one toddler grandchild.
> 
> I have been working for an international organisation for over 20 years, and this has involved being assigned overseas four times during that period. My husband has (willingly and enthusiastically) accompanied me as a 'trailing' spouse.
> 
> Our marriage has been stable and enjoyable, and as far as I was aware, we were totally committed to each other. We were working towards a happy retirement together, concentrating on our children and being available as hands-on grandparents.
> 
> During my last assignment for this organisation (in north Asia), my husband was engaged by my employer for a specific project, which could last as long as five years. In order to accompany him I was approved "leave without pay" for the duration of his contract.
> 
> Life was great. We were happy to have this opportunity as it was great for us financially as we headed into retirement at the end of his contract. It was also a chance for my husband to have a very meaningful job as opposed to househusband.
> 
> In July 2012 I returned to Australia for six months to care for my grandchild as one of my children undertook a military deployment to the Middle East. During that time though my husband and an Asian woman in her 20s began an EA.
> 
> I was unaware of this EA until I was re-united in Australia with my husband in Dec, and instantly noticed a change in him. At first I thought it was because he was tired after the long flight - but as the days went on I sensed a distance between us. He said he was tired, and that I was imagining things.
> 
> After a week of puzzling about why he was so detached I managed to get into his emails. I went into shock on reading the inappropriate comments he was making to this YAW (young Asian woman). For her part, she did nothing to 'shut him down' from going along this path.
> 
> I had an outburst in late Dec, aiming some pretty severe comments at him. He has used that outburst as a way of being the victim in an unhappy marriage, and is refusing to end the EA with his "Asian friend".
> 
> We returned to Asia late January, and have tried to get our marriage back on track. He has said that we should give it time.
> 
> But unknown to him at that time, I managed to locate some disturbing incriminating email exchanges. These two are talking about "marriage, babies, etc" ... he is in his 60s and she is in her 20s.
> 
> In some of the emails he declared to her that "all my children want me to be free, and be happy and to divorce ******* " (ie me). He also declared to her that he had been unhappy for over 20 years.
> 
> Well, him being unhappy for over 20 years was news to me!! He absolutely loved going overseas ... it meant he could travel and follow his interests (while I worked very long hours in the office). (I would have given anything for our situations to be reversed ... and then finally they were in mid 2011).
> 
> But now all he can say to me is that he can't live with me any longer, and that YAW (young Asian woman) has nothing to do with this. He says that the state of our marriage is something totally separate from his platonic friendship with YAW.
> 
> He keeps saying that he has no "emotional connection" with me, and doubts if he ever will again.
> 
> In the meantime, YAW continues to text and phone him, and of course emails him constantly. (I no longer have access to his emails as he changed the password once I confronted him about the contents etc).
> 
> Three months ago he took time off from his job to travel to another part of the country ... where he met up with YAW ... and they had a lovely 5 day holiday together. During this time I was alone at home, crying and trying to cope with this horrible situation.
> 
> He hardly spends any time with me, and is totally consumed by his friendship (?) with YAW. YAW enjoys all the attention from her very own K.I.S.A. (yuk)
> 
> He emphasised to me that they are not sleeping together. He said that her culture would not allow this. He is just happy to be her "friend".
> 
> I have always trusted and believed my husband. But he is totally different these days. He says that I am always arguing with him, but that is not true. He is the one who has changed from a stable, calm man to someone who is constantly anxious, agitated, and argumentative.
> 
> Three weeks ago I returned to Australia to stay with family and visit friends, for about ten weeks. Hopefully that will give him some time to concentrate on his job, and to try and think about his and our future.
> 
> I am hoping (and praying) that we will come through this and therefore want to get back together with me.
> 
> I have only come across this website/forum three days ago, and read with interest (and sympathy) the threads started by littlerockette, committed1217, and overthemoon88.
> 
> I am frightened that I will lose my wonderful husband ... actually, I think my wonderful husband is now something in the past, because he has changed so much ... he is just not the same person any more.
> 
> One further thing - I was very upset when I read that "all" our children wanted him to divorce me. I have since had the courage to ask three of them singly whether this was true, and they each said it wasn't. "All" the children have not told him that he should divorce me.
> 
> For several weeks I just withdrew into myself, thinking I was so useless as their mother that they would tell him to do this (ie divorce me).
> 
> I am so worried about him. I think he is suffering from K.I.S.A syndrome.
> 
> I would welcome any advice on what to do.
> 
> Thank you for reading this.


I have now returned to Asia after 11 weeks away. I have read many stories in the "Coping with Infidelity" section, and still feel devastated about what has happened to my marriage, and of course, all the other women and men who have been cheated on. I feel especially sorry and sad for those with young children, and particularly for those women who are/were pregnant at the time of Discovery Day. 

The stress from this has caused me to lose at least 50% of my hair, which thankfully, after 11 weeks away, has started to regrow. My hair has never ever been so thin.

My husband has now told me that he doesn't love me any more, and that he wants to separate. He would like to find another apartment ... to which I responded "Can I help you pack?"

He started arguing about bank accounts, property, land, etc etc. Though the land is joint property it is in his name only. I have said it is non-negotiable ... my name is to appear on the land titles before anything is discussed.

(I think the reason he wants to move out of our apartment in the organisation's compound is so that YAW can come and visit him. YAW can't come and visit him where we are living now because the compound is physically guarded, and under camera/tape surveillance).

In my home country there is no fault divorce ... ie two years separation then apply for divorce after one month at the end of the separation (I think ... but please don't quote me on that).

My husband still insists that there is no physical contact between them and that there is no kissing, holding hands, hugging, etc etc.

He has told his manager that he and I are having marriage problems. He certainly hasn't elaborated on the cause of those marriage problems.

I would now like advice on how to go about exposing WH and YAW to my husband's employer.


----------



## disconnected

Apologies for the abrupt ending on my previous post ... somehow the laptop seized up and I was lucky to be able to submit ...

What sort of photographic evidence do I need. He uses the organisation's vehicle to go on dates with YAW. Therefore I think that a photo of them both sitting in the front seat, with written notes of time/date and to/from location/s.

I don't know where YAW lives, but I am sure WH visits her at her home. My last info on her accommodation is that she was living with friends. But I would guess that by now she would have found something more permanent, but I cannot be sure.

I know that they go on outings on the weekends to local forest parks. 

It would be impossible for me to follow them because I would be recognised from "far away". 

I would hope to get compromising photos of them together ... kissing, hugging, holding hands and so forth. In my mind, those three things mean that this is not a platonic friendship. Would that be enough to take to his manager?

I am also hoping to buy a VAR ... which would have invaluable evidence.

Thank you for helping me with this.


----------



## disconnected

During my time in Australia, I managed to see all my children. I was particularly concerned about my husband's comment (via Skype text to YAW) that "all my children want me to divorce (me)". So I checked with all four kids, and none of them ever said that. 

They are very worried about their father. This is totally unlike him. I have never known him to be a liar.


----------



## disconnected

I am very concerned about my husband lying all the time.

I asked my husband yesterday and the day before if he had been on my 'holidays' with YAW. He stated loudly "No!".

But he has been ... he flew to a beach resort in the south of this country, along with YAW. (I managed to retrieve the small stickers from the side of his checked in baggage ... which showed the dates and flight nos ... in her name). I think she is the one booking the flights so that they don't show up in our joint bank statement.

Also, one of our children and partner visited here while I was in Australia. I asked WH if he had gone anywhere with them ... sightseeing etc. He said at first "No", then said he couldn't remember. Then he said "No" again.

Which conflicts entirely with the 2 facebook photos showing him at a notable location with our child, and again at a nearby restaurant. I am not sure if he has some sort of memory loss, or if he is so much into lying these days that he can't risk the truth... it is a worry.


----------



## warlock07

Can you hire a PI ?


----------



## PamJ

I agree, a PI is your best bet to get photos and then start exposing once you have everything ready.


----------



## disconnected

PamJ said:


> I agree, a PI is your best bet to get photos and then start exposing once you have everything ready.


Hello Pam, and Warlock

thank you both for responding - really appreciate it.

I am just leaving the house now to meet with a contact who is trying to arrange this for me.

I have to be careful of costs for this as I am not currently working, and WH is tightly controlling the 'finances'.

Will let you know how I get on.


----------



## SaltInWound

There is nothing wrong with your husband. There is no memory loss. Don't worry about him. He is unaware of the information you have, so he lies about everything to cover his tracks. As you produce evidence, he will start admitting. This is what we call trickle truth. Get use to it. There will be a lot of lying and then as you produce more evidence, he will admit a little more, but only what he has to. Right now he won't admit to ANY physical contact. Soon, he will admit to holding her hand, then he will say he kissed her, but ONLY once. Then he will probably say she tried to give him oral sex, but he went limp. Then he will admit to having sex with her, but ONLY once. He may even admit to sex twice. It never stops, but the confessions will be as minor as he can get away with. They are all cowards. That missile twister saw your husband coming a mile away. Those old men are so stupid. He will go broke supporting her and her small village, because it is required he spread the wealth, but he will happily do it, because he thinks he is a sex god right now.


----------



## disconnected

disconnected said:


> Hello Pam, and Warlock
> 
> thank you both for responding - really appreciate it.
> 
> I am just leaving the house now to meet with a contact who is trying to arrange this for me.
> 
> I have to be careful of costs for this as I am not currently working, and WH is tightly controlling the 'finances'.
> 
> Will let you know how I get on.


Quick update - I wasn't able to meet with the contact this afternoon, but hope to catch up with him over the weekend. I am also looking at PI agencies here. Will let you know how I get on. Thanks again for the comments/advice.

Just to say that this forum is almost a lifeline for me. It is very easy to feel down - but the stories and advice are really helpful at keeping me strong - and I am also resisting being manipulated by WH. 

I am now wondering whether this has been the first time this has happened during our marriage. But that is something I will never know.

My impression of WH now is that he is a sleazy old man. My children are not impressed at all, but he is still their father. 

The son who OW was originally after (but he never responded to her advances) is marrying early next year. I "demanded" that WH does not bring OW along to the wedding. That's not negotiable. It is dreadful enough that our marriage will likely be broken up by then, but it would be so much worse if WH brought OW along. I would find that scandalous.

I haven't been 'contributing' to this forum recently, but I read stories and advice here daily. This keeps me strong and determined ... but it is still very hard.

Thank you sincerely


----------



## nogutsnoglory

disconnected said:


> Hello ubercoolpanda
> 
> KISA = knight in shining armour.
> 
> H and I are not American, but she may be looking to coming to our home country - Australia.
> 
> H said that she is not after money ... but I am not so sure. I do not know if any funds are findiing their way to her. I would say that he is paying for their 'dates' and 'weekend outings'.
> 
> H has always looked after the money side ... he was not happy when I started to take an active interest in our joint bank account. I am now monitoring all activities in this account but haven't detected anything yet. But I am watching this very closely.
> 
> H and OW go on dates together most evenings, and on weekends. There is nothing I can do about that (except cry a lot!! - in private).
> 
> Thanks for asking your questions.


always take half the money from the account and put in anew account for yourself. You can always write him a check for any responsibilities you have but as of right now 1/2 of the money he using on her is yours. You are helping to fund this affair. You must stop that. You might try to contact her as well and find out what he is saying to her and let her know you are unhappy etc... I would kick him out for good. Lift the fog from him and make him decide to leave you for good or work on the marriage if you choose to allow it. Anything other than that is rug sweeping on your part.. Time to make a stand for yourself.


----------



## disconnected

SaltInWound said:


> There is nothing wrong with your husband. There is no memory loss. Don't worry about him. He is unaware of the information you have, so he lies about everything to cover his tracks. As you produce evidence, he will start admitting. This is what we call trickle truth. Get use to it. There will be a lot of lying and then as you produce more evidence, he will admit a little more, but only what he has to. Right now he won't admit to ANY physical contact. Soon, he will admit to holding her hand, then he will say he kissed her, but ONLY once. Then he will probably say she tried to give him oral sex, but he went limp. Then he will admit to having sex with her, but ONLY once. He may even admit to sex twice. It never stops, but the confessions will be as minor as he can get away with. They are all cowards. That missile twister saw your husband coming a mile away. Those old men are so stupid. He will go broke supporting her and her small village, because it is required he spread the wealth, but he will happily do it, because he thinks he is a sex god right now.



You are so right ... he certainly thinks he is someone very important. He is taking risks in a number of areas ... in particular using the company vehicle to go on week night dates with OW, and for day long outings with her on the weekend. Photographs of them in the vehicle together will be invaluable! (as far as letting his manager know!).

Photographing/videoing any physical contact may be more difficult, but I will leave that to the 'expert' - ie PI. 

Re supporting the small village ... I am taking steps to protect our assets from OW. I think my children are more worthy than her ... 

Sometimes it is as if my husband has forgotten that he has a family. He has very little contact with them. For example, if he receives a long email from any of them, he will only respond with a short one-line reply. They are hurt at how he is acting towards them. It is likely that he is retreating from them because they all now know about his "platonic" friendship with OW, and also that he stated to her that "all" his kids wanted him to divorce me. They have all denied ever saying that. 

Anyway, as we speak old "superstud" is raging somewhere about town with OW ... which makes it very peaceful here in our apartment ... so I suppose there is an upside 

Thanks again for listening.


----------



## Acabado

Yours is a sad story. There's another member here who's story mimics yours, almost to a t: young asian gold digger and a husband who sells his soul to live his golden years to the limit with no internal restrains nor care for anyone nor anything but his own self gratification.
Alte Dame pointed out it was faustian.
Hope you manage to change this somehow.


----------



## turnera

disconnected said:


> I have to be careful of costs for this as I am not currently working, and WH is tightly controlling the 'finances'.


The first thing you need to do is research how YOU get back in at least joint control of the finances.


----------



## turnera

I would speak right now to all your kids and tell them point blank that he is cheating and you would appreciate their help in stopping the affair by them publicly decrying his cheating. If he posts on FB with OW, ask them to go right in after him and say 'this is dad's affair partner' or some such. Let them help you make it uncomfortable so he decides the affair is not worth the cost.


----------



## SaltInWound

disconnected said:


> The son who OW was originally after (but he never responded to her advances) is marrying early next year.


She is a prostitute. She sleeps with men for the money and material wealth. She went after the younger man (your son), because that is what she prefers, but she had to settle for old wrinkly fart because young stud saw her for what she is......a nasty wh0re. Old wrinkly fart apparently doesn't mind being a Plan B to his new found soul mate? Plan A was his son. Amazing.


----------



## disconnected

Acabado said:


> Yours is a sad story. There's another member here who's story mimics yours, almost to a t: young asian gold digger and a husband who sells his soul to live his golden years to the limit with no internal restrains nor care for anyone nor anything but his own self gratification.
> Alte Dame pointed out it was faustian.
> Hope you manage to change this somehow.


Hi. Are you referring to missmolly's situation? I spent three days reading her whole story, and I was appalled at how badly she was being treated by her husband. I decided then that I would not go through what she has.

I wonder how she is. I recall that her nursing registration had lapsed? and that therefore her career prospects/earning ability was affected. It seemed very unfair.

I could be in a similar situation, but also there may be the possibility of employment here with the same organisation in which I am currently on leave without pay. 

What my husband is doing could affect his employment if he is not careful.


----------



## Acabado

Yeah, was missmolly, I didn't recall her unsername.
Hope she's doing better, she was in a horrible position last time she came here.


----------



## disconnected

turnera said:


> The first thing you need to do is research how YOU get back in at least joint control of the finances.


That's a very good point. 

About 7 months ago, he wanted us to guarantee a loan against our property so that we could help a young Korean woman buy a house in Australia. I reacted with "are you out of your mind?". I then pointed out that would need my signature to do something like that ,,, and there was no way that I would sign.

I am now on the alert in case there are demands from OW.

My husband, the Knight in Shining Armour .... the twerp!!


----------



## disconnected

nogutsnoglory said:


> always take half the money from the account and put in anew account for yourself. You can always write him a check for any responsibilities you have but as of right now 1/2 of the money he using on her is yours. You are helping to fund this affair. You must stop that. You might try to contact her as well and find out what he is saying to her and let her know you are unhappy etc... I would kick him out for good. Lift the fog from him and make him decide to leave you for good or work on the marriage if you choose to allow it. Anything other than that is rug sweeping on your part.. Time to make a stand for yourself.


I have to be careful because my visa is as his partner. I am trying to avoid separation at this stage because it would mean I would probably have to leave the country if I am no longer his wife/partner etc. 

That is why I am keen to regain employment with the organisation here, and therefore come off leave without pay. 

The job comes up in about 2-3 months, so I have to play it carefully until then.

My "stand" so far is to no longer cook/clean/wash/iron for him ... which is no problem for him because he has been doing this for the past 11 weeks.

I can't rush in and burn any bridges just yet ... but when the time comes I will be ready


----------



## Acabado

I see you are playing your cards as better as you can.
Hang tough.


----------



## SaltInWound

disconnected said:


> I have to be careful because my visa is as his partner. I am trying to avoid separation at this stage because it would mean I would probably have to leave the country if I am no longer his wife/partner etc.


That is how my husband of 22 years screwed me over and made me homeless. Coward hides in a foreign country to avoid the consequences.


----------



## disconnected

SaltInWound said:


> That is how my husband of 22 years screwed me over and made me homeless. Coward hides in a foreign country to avoid the consequences.


Seven months ago I had no idea what was ahead for me. I have always been very naïve ... but now that I am going through this and have contact with other people via this forum who are experiencing the same thing ... the huge amount of stories out there is mind boggling.

I hope you have gotten back on your feet. 22 years is a long time to be together .... I find it astounding the way long term partners/spouses are just cast aside. 

And I am not keen on the 'third parties' who make themselves available to wayward spouses ... they should just keep away... but of course I am too naïve thinking like that.


----------



## disconnected

Acabado said:


> I see you are playing your cards as better as you can.
> Hang tough.


Thank you for that comment.

My mood frequently swings from outraged to sad to experiencing a huge loss ... in particularly our future together as grandparents.

But I still have an aim, which is to be successful in getting the job in about 4 months time. But sometimes it is hard being sensible when feeling outraged!!


----------



## LoveAtDaisys

Reading through this thread I am absolutely amazed at the level of strength and growth I can see you've made so far, disconnected.

YOU deserve so much better for your golden years. And HE won't know what hit him once you have your evidence!

Does he have any work colleagues you know/are close to? He may not be as careful around his friends and may have let something slip.


----------



## alte Dame

The last I heard, missmolly was being checked into a hospital. Her H, indeed, has treated her abominably - truly shamefully.

My own take on this as an older woman is that these men are extremely flattered by the interest of these much younger women. This, I think, we can all see. I also think that they are not at all blind to the gold-digging aspect of the OW's interest. I think the WH's know this, but don't care.

I can imagine that they say to themselves, "I'm in my senior years and don't know how long I have left. Why shouldn't I live out my life the way *I* want to? Why shouldn't I do what makes *ME* happy? So what if the OW is just in it for the money? It still makes me feel good. I've taken care of my responsibilities for years and now it's *MY* turn to find my own happiness."

The hurtful implication here is that the WH's family isn't in the category of people that he wants to live his last years with. One of the very sad implications is that you've been married to a man who now defines his ultimate happiness as catting around as the sugar daddy of a young nothing. This is how shallow he is right now.


----------



## SaltInWound

alte Dame said:


> The last I heard, missmolly was being checked into a hospital. Her H, indeed, has treated her abominably - truly shamefully.
> 
> My own take on this as an older woman is that these men are extremely flattered by the interest of these much younger women. This, I think, we can all see. I also think that they are not at all blind to the gold-digging aspect of the OW's interest. I think the WH's know this, but don't care.
> 
> I can imagine that they say to themselves, "I'm in my senior years and don't know how long I have left. Why shouldn't I live out my life the way *I* want to? Why shouldn't I do what makes *ME* happy? So what if the OW is just in it for the money? It still makes me feel good. I've taken care of my responsibilities for years and now it's *MY* turn to find my own happiness."
> 
> The hurtful implication here is that the WH's family isn't in the category of people that he wants to live his last years with. One of the very sad implications is that you've been married to a man who now defines his ultimate happiness as catting around as the sugar daddy of a young nothing. This is how shallow he is right now.


The most shameful part of the situation in these long term relationships, as I am experiencing, is that the wife is given absolutely NO consideration. She is to be discarded without concern for her well being. Homeless? Who care. No job? Who cares. She worked her @ss off all those years to get a more secure future? She better not even think anything belongs to her. Being treated like that made me feel worse than garbage on the curb. I don't know what has kept me out of a facility like the one missmolly is in. For months, the concrete wall on the side of the interstate looked like the answer to all my problems. Many of these men are so disconnected from their reality that they don't even want to maintain a relationship with their grown children. What I find interesting is these [email protected] wait until they get overseas where they KNOW they can get away with treating their wife like sh1t. It is shameful. I would never treat another person the way he has treated me.


----------



## alte Dame

They really do define POS, SaltInWound. They really do.


----------



## Fisherman

alte Dame said:


> I can imagine that they say to themselves, "I'm in my senior years and don't know how long I have left. Why shouldn't I live out my life the way *I* want to? Why shouldn't I do what makes *ME* happy?


I think this nails it.


----------



## disconnected

disconnected said:


> I am very concerned about my husband lying all the time.
> 
> I asked my husband yesterday and the day before if he had been on my 'holidays' with YAW. He stated loudly "No!".
> 
> But he has been ... he flew to a beach resort in the south of this country, along with YAW. (I managed to retrieve the small stickers from the side of his checked in baggage ... which showed the dates and flight nos ... in her name). I think she is the one booking the flights so that they don't show up in our joint bank statement.
> 
> .........................................................................
> 
> 
> I have just been over our bank statement and found two cash withdrawals at the beach resort. It is hard to understand why he thinks I won't find these things.
> 
> He has been a great husband and dad for all these years, but he now behaves so arrogantly.


----------



## disconnected

SaltInWound said:


> The most shameful part of the situation in these long term relationships, as I am experiencing, is that the wife is given absolutely NO consideration. She is to be discarded without concern for her well being. Homeless? Who care. No job? Who cares. She worked her @ss off all those years to get a more secure future? She better not even think anything belongs to her. Being treated like that made me feel worse than garbage on the curb. I don't know what has kept me out of a facility like the one missmolly is in. For months, the concrete wall on the side of the interstate looked like the answer to all my problems. Many of these men are so disconnected from their reality that they don't even want to maintain a relationship with their grown children. What I find interesting is these [email protected] wait until they get overseas where they KNOW they can get away with treating their wife like sh1t. It is shameful. I would never treat another person the way he has treated me.


My kids are hurting over all this ... four kids all aged in their 30s ...... they are wondering why his family isn't enough for him, and of course, what is wrong with the wife (ie me) he already has. WH and OW have talked about marriage and children. One of OW's comments was how would he provide for her and their children when he is in his 90s, she is in her 50s, and their 'future' children are in their 20s. Bizarre.

Does anyone know if vasectomies can be reversed after 30 years and 3 months? ... on a 63 year old man?


----------



## SaltInWound

disconnected said:


> My kids are hurting over all this ... four kids all aged in their 30s ...... they are wondering why his family isn't enough for him, and of course, what is wrong with the wife (ie me) he already has. WH and OW have talked about marriage and children. One of OW's comments was how would he provide for her and their children when he is in his 90s, she is in her 50s, and their 'future' children are in their 20s. Bizarre.
> 
> Does anyone know if vasectomies can be reversed after 30 years and 3 months? ... on a 63 year old man?


I don't know the answer to your question, but there again is another example of her agenda. She is already working on getting pregnant to lock him in and she is concerned with his age, knowing he doesn't have many years left to support her. I would not be shocked if a "miracle" happened and she became pregnant.....with another man's kid.....but pass it off as your husband's. He is so far in the fog he would believe anything she told him.


----------



## turnera

disconnected said:


> QUOTE=disconnected;3434585]I am very concerned about my husband lying all the time. I asked my husband yesterday and the day before if he had been on my 'holidays' with YAW. He stated loudly "No!". But he has been ... he flew to a beach resort in the south of this country, along with YAW. (I managed to retrieve the small stickers from the side of his checked in baggage ... which showed the dates and flight nos ... in her name). I think she is the one booking the flights so that they don't show up in our joint bank statement.


I don't understand. What the hell are you afraid of? Why didn't you just say "I KNOW YOU WERE WITH HER, I HAVE PROOF and I will not be lied to. GET THE HELL OUT."?


----------



## SaltInWound

disconnected said:


> I have just been over our bank statement and found two cash withdrawals at the beach resort. It is hard to understand why he thinks I won't find these things.
> 
> He has been a great husband and dad for all these years, but he now behaves so arrogantly.


He probably hasn't thought about his paper trail with the ATM usage. Don't ever let him know you are aware of his bank activity. 

Yeah, they do get arrogant. He got someone to play with his wee wee. Suddenly mine thinks he is Brad Pitt from 1994, but he really looks more like Newman from "Seinfeld". Apparently Maleficent's mirror hangs in my husband's bathroom.


----------



## carmen ohio

disconnected said:


> . . . I have just been over our bank statement and found two cash withdrawals at the beach resort. It is hard to understand why he thinks I won't find these things.


Dear disconnected,

If I were you, I would consider moving at least half of the funds in your joint account into an account in your name only. You don't want to wake up some morning and discover that your funds are gone.

If you have any concerns about the legality of this (it's perfectly legal in the U.S. but I don't know the laws where you live), consult an attorney.

The point is to do everything you can to protect your future.

Wishing you the best.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

SaltInWound said:


> Suddenly mine thinks he is Brad Pitt from 1994, but he really looks more like Newman from "Seinfeld". Apparently Maleficent's mirror hangs in my husband's bathroom.


 

So...my self image could be wrong also??


----------



## alte Dame

See_Listen_Love said:


> So...my self image could be wrong also??


(Somehow, SLL, I doubt you look like Newman. That's a very special cross to bear.)


----------



## disconnected

disconnected said:


> I have to be careful because my visa is as his partner. I am trying to avoid separation at this stage because it would mean I would probably have to leave the country if I am no longer his wife/partner etc.
> 
> That is why I am keen to regain employment with the organisation here, and therefore come off leave without pay.
> 
> The job comes up in about 2-3 months, so I have to play it carefully until then.
> 
> My "stand" so far is to no longer cook/clean/wash/iron for him ... which is no problem for him because he has been doing this for the past 11 weeks.
> 
> I can't rush in and burn any bridges just yet ... but when the time comes I will be ready


I've spent the weekend updating my cv. My old job has just been advertised, and applications close this week. If I can get my old job back, then I will be independent of WH as far as the visa is concerned.

Therefore, if he and OW are exposed, it means that if he loses his job and is repatriated, I can still remain here. But, it is still too early to expose them yet ... 

(I think they have been away for another "romantic?" weekend. He left work early on Friday, and I won't see him until he arrives at work Monday morning).

But then again, I might not get the job.

And, I am not sure if I want it that much after the good news today that there's a second grandchild on the way mid 2014.

I'm starting to see that there might be life after all the pain that has come from WH's affair.

Thanks for 'listening' ... I get a lot of strength from reading other people's stories, and the advice that's offered.


----------



## alte Dame

Given the statistical chances, your WH will either snap out of his 'no fool like an old fool' reverie on his own or be struck by some disease that makes his age all too plain. When this happens, will you even want him back?

Time has a way of showing us how to move on in ways that are good for us, at least it does for me. Perhaps you're being shown a better life without him.


----------



## disconnected

alte Dame said:


> Given the statistical chances, your WH will either snap out of his 'no fool like an old fool' reverie on his own or be struck by some disease that makes his age all too plain. When this happens, will you even want him back?
> 
> Time has a way of showing us how to move on in ways that are good for us, at least it does for me. Perhaps you're being shown a better life without him.


I think you are right about even wanting him back.

The longer this carries on the less appealing he is, in my mind.

I used to be very lonely and upset on weekends, but now I am used to it, and have been able to keep busy. It gets easier as time goes by. Yeah, you are right on with that.

They are planning a trip to Australia and NZ early next year. But apparently they are avoiding visiting our family members.

I think she will try entering Aus and NZ on visitor visas, but she is possibly going there to explore business opportunities. Not sure if that fits with a visitor visa. 

I am keeping a very close watch on the bank account. 

I have grappled with exposing the EA to her family. But there is a chance that they are just like her, and will probably admire her being the village equivalent to Deng Wen Ge aka Wendi Murdoch. 

Sometimes it is quite humorous thinking about the murky situation WH is caught up in.


----------



## turnera

can you set it up so he can't take money without your permission?


----------



## disconnected

turnera said:


> can you set it up so he can't take money without your permission?


um, not really. but I am keeping a close eye on the 'finances'. hope you don't mind if I explain more later on.

but thank you for the suggestion


----------



## disconnected

disconnected said:


> *I've spent the weekend updating my cv. My old job has just been advertised, and applications close this week. If I can get my old job back, then I will be independent of WH as far as the visa is concerned.*
> Therefore, if he and OW are exposed, it means that if he loses his job and is repatriated, I can still remain here. But, it is still too early to expose them yet ...
> 
> (I think they have been away for another "romantic?" weekend. He left work early on Friday, and I won't see him until he arrives at work Monday morning).
> 
> But then again, I might not get the job.
> 
> And, I am not sure if I want it that much after the good news today that there's a second grandchild on the way mid 2014.
> 
> I'm starting to see that there might be life after all the pain that has come from WH's affair.
> 
> Thanks for 'listening' ... I get a lot of strength from reading other people's stories, and the advice that's offered.


Applications for the job closed yesterday. I spent a week updating my cv / tailoring it to the job etc. 

If I get an interview / get the job ... then it was meant to be. (Look out WH/OW ... I will be in control ... at last ...)

If I don't get the job ... then that is a sign to go back to Australia and concentrate on a new life there. Life is starting to look exciting again ... 

"I never saw this coming" ... applies to the ridiculous affairs WH/OW are having ... but now also

"I never saw this coming" ... from the depths of despair I now have exciting new prospects ... seriously, no idea what they are ... but I surely "never saw this coming"

thank you for your support


----------



## BetrayedAgain7

Keeping my fingers crossed for you! 

And if you end up not getting the job and coming back to Australia, what a great place to come back too.


----------



## disconnected

BetrayedAgain7 said:


> Keeping my fingers crossed for you!
> 
> And if you end up not getting the job and coming back to Australia, what a great place to come back too.


a) thank you

b) E X A C T L Y.

My sister recently told me that there would be light at the end of the tunnel, and that all of a sudden I will have 'moved on'. I thought that would be impossible, but now I think she is right.

All of a sudden I am on the way up. 

There's a Woody Allen-directed movie "You will meet a tall dark stranger". It didn't rate very highly but oh my goodness it had me laughing. I found it light but funny ... and all the 'nasties' get dealt to. Not quite in the way that Bruce Willis manages to deal to the "baddies" in the Die Hard movies ... but the Woody Allen movie ties up all the loose ends nicely.


----------



## disconnected

I am still waiting to hear whether or not I will be interviewed/shortlisted etc for the job. If I get the job, then it will mean that I can stay here on my own visa, instead of being tied to WH as his spouse.

If not, then I am going back to Australia to be with my kids and hang out with my grandson. (He's 2 1/2).

Over the years, WH's nickname for me has been 'dummy'.

Yep, I am so dumb that yesterday I was able to get back into his emails and also the Skype transcripts between WH and OW going back 6 months.

The Skype transcripts are very revealing ... from how much he loves her to how beautiful she is (she's not ... trust me on this) - to her wanting help with "the visa" ... 

He tells her how much he would like to go and live near a beach; marry her; sleep with her; just relax by the seaside.

I am not upset by any of this ... it is so funny ... because her responses always go back to visa, possibility of business ventures (in which she would like to include 3 of my children - but not me of course or the son who didn't/wouldn't go on a date with her). That's because that son and I are the two that caught on about her motives almost instantly.

OMG she is so nutty ... along with my formerly "wonderful husband" who is now just a complete idiot.

OW has managed to come into the marriage, and split it apart, and also upset all my kids (4 adults 32-39).

I must away ... I am sure there is some more entertainment in today's Skype transcripts and emails ...........


----------



## turnera

No offense, but I can't see working this hard to stay in a country with a WAYWARD husband who doesn't even want you, who denigrates you...when you could be spending valuable years with your kids and your grandson. Grandsons need grandmothers. You're worth more than this.


----------



## turnera

disconnected said:


> Over the years, WH's *nickname for me has been 'dummy'*.
> 
> *OW has managed to come into the marriage, and split it apart*, and also upset all my kids (4 adults 32-39).
> 
> I must away ... I am sure there is some *more entertainment* in today's Skype transcripts and emails ...........


 Some thoughts...

Your husband never respected or loved you. He used you.

SHE didn't split this marriage apart - the person IN the marriage split it apart by seeking other women.

Instead of doing something to start respecting yourself, you're confining yourself to the humility of reading their conversations...why?


----------



## disconnected

turnera said:


> Some thoughts...
> 
> Your husband never respected or loved you. He used you.
> 
> SHE didn't split this marriage apart - the person IN the marriage split it apart by seeking other women.
> 
> Instead of doing something to start respecting yourself, you're confining yourself to the humility of reading their conversations...why?


Thank you for your frank comments in this and your previous post.

Yes, you are right - I have been used by my husband for about 25 years. But I didn't know it until recently.

Also, I accept that WH has split the marriage and family apart, but just to add that OW was relentless in her pursuit of him ... or him and OUR assets. 

Just to say that "Timing is everything" ... I am collecting evidence which will come to light at the right time. Now is not the right time.

At this stage I am no longer humiliated by their Skype transcribed conversations. I've taken a step back, and see them for what they are ... discussions between a 63 year old juvenile, and a 27 year old gold-digger. They deserve each other. 

I have two Plan As - neither of which include him ... if I get the job here then that is Plan A in Asia. If I don't get the job, then that is a sign that I go to Plan A in Australia. It is win/win.

The 'timing is everything' comment ties in to whether or not I get the job. I've waited several months for the job to be advertised ... another few weeks is all I now need to see where my future is - ie 4 years in Asia, then back to Australia - or - back to Australia by Christmas. 

I really appreciate you reading my post/thread, and for your good advice. Thank you sincerely.


----------



## PamJ

Just curious as to why you want to stay in Asia? You may have perfectly good reasons, just curious.


----------



## disconnected

PamJ said:


> Just curious as to why you want to stay in Asia? You may have perfectly good reasons, just curious.


Hi Pam

I've always been interested in Asia. As an Australian (Caucasian of Irish/English/Scottish descent) living in the Pacific region with Southeast Asia as our next closest neighbours, I have always found Southeast Asians and Northern Asians to be fascinating; everything about them and their countries are so different to Australasia and the Pacific. The food, the people, the climate, the way of life, the cultural differences ... just everything was so different to how I was brought up.

I've never been to Europe or the Americas, or Africa. I only ever wanted to go to the Pacific and North Asia and Southeast Asia. 

I did go to London 18 months ago for ten days to visit my daughter, but otherwise I have only been to Asia and the Pacific.

I was in the military as a teenager, and at 20 was posted to Singapore for two years. At 26, married with a baby, we went to Papua New Guinea for three years. After three years back in Australia, we returned to PNG, eventually arriving back in Australia in 1983.

In 1988 I joined an international organisation and since 1990 have been assigned to branches in Bangkok, Hong Kong, Melanesia, and to North Asia. WH is now assigned here while I am also here - I am now on leave without pay for the duration of his assignment.

At different times I've travelled around Asia, mostly by train. 

I know that the time is coming when I will need to stay at home - in Australia - so while I've got the means and the physical ability I just want to be here, in this region. 

In my 50s I studied an Asian language, and by being in this area I am able to improve just by being in this environment. I'm not very good at the language, but I persevere.

WH had been the trailing spouse on and off for a total of 10-11 years. Now that I am the trailing spouse he wants to separate, which means I would not be able to stay here because I am here on his visa. That is why I am trying to be assigned here again. 

The work can be quite mundane, but there are interesting parts at times. Also if I have my own income it means I can try to improve my financial situation. WH has controlled the finances all our marriage. Up until 6 months ago, I thought that this was fine. But not any more ... not with the OW on the scene. 

Just to recap - I have two Plans A -- Plan A in Asia and Plan A in Australia (with grandchild etc). So it is win/win. But at this stage of life my work/career will end shortly ... so it is a matter of 'now or never' re experiencing Asia. I would like to stay here for another few years, but if "Plan A Australia" happens, then that will be it ... I will have to leave Asia ... and it will be without regret. But I never thought my marriage would end here ... or anywhere else!!

Such is life. 

One good thing though ... I don't have to listen to his snoring during the night.


----------



## PamJ

OK, so I am assuming you have friends and support in Asia then? It would be a vast place to be alone in if not. It's good you have 2 plan A's, options are always good.


----------



## disconnected

PamJ said:


> OK, so I am assuming you have friends and support in Asia then? It would be a vast place to be alone in if not. It's good you have 2 plan A's, options are always good.


It can be fairly lonely for me here. Weekends can be quite lonely, but I make sure I get out and about, exploring markets and sightseeing etc. I walk a lot, or else catch local buses - which I enjoy doing. I like listening to the language and/or reading the signage. I don't watch much tv ... but of all things I've been watching Joan Rivers on Fashion Police, as well as the Kardashians. Joan Rivers is so funny ... and there is such a lot of laughter on Fashion Police. And as for the Kardashians - - such vastly different lives from anything I have ever known ... 

I do my knitting at the same time as watching those programmes. So it is not such a time-waster after all.

I also go to the gym frequently. I am on a self imposed strict budget ... I am saving as hard as I can because I don't know what's ahead. (WH is spending more than usual ...)

I am in constant contact with my sister and her husband via Skype or text, and also with my children. The best contact I have though is with my sister ... I discuss everything with her. She is my BEST support.

TAM/CWI forum is invaluable; talkback radio via my laptop is another contact with the outside world. I keep busy with temporary work, spasmodic study, and knitting baby clothes, of all things, for a young mother in Australia.

Also, I live in the company compound and need to be discreet about WH and OW and their 'romance' ... for the time being at least, but the time is fast approaching when WH's exploits will be brought to light...

I have a couple of local friends who I have confided in. I shared my situation with them, in particular how OW's behaviour was viewed in local society. OW's intrusion into my marriage is not acceptable behaviour in this society, no matter how much she sees herself as not having broken up the marriage. WH's stupidity and her relentless pursuit of him does not make her the innocent party that she sees herself as. My two friends reassured me that her behaviour is despicable and that she is after "the money".

Being by myself most of the time is good practice for what I think my future life will probably be like. I always thought that the only way I would be alone/living by myself would be if I was widowed. I never thought I would be an elderly divorcee. At my age, I can't see myself being with another man. I could never/ever trust anyone again. And I doubt any man would ever be interested in me. And I am comfortable with that because it would be too complicated otherwise. My grandchildren will be my life, along with my kids of course.

The future is looking good ...


----------



## ladybird

Dollystanford said:


> How awful - I'm so sorry. But he sounds like an absolute idiot - what possible reason could a 20 year old woman have for being interested in someone 40 years older than her?
> 
> His distance from you has everything to do with this woman as does his rewriting of history to make him feel better about what he's doing. Whatever happens you can't let him carry on with this woman and still be married to you. Are you financially independent of him? I know it's hard and that you will be scared of the answer but he needs an ultimatum - be prepared for him to choose her. He's flattered by the attentions of this woman - there's really no fool like an old fool. I think you should tell your kids too, be prepared for him to get angry about that


 The only thing i can see that this girl has an interest in is money! I mean 40 year age difference.


----------



## disconnected

ladybird said:


> The only thing i can see that this girl has an interest in is money! I mean 40 year age difference.


Over the past 40+ years, living in Asia and the Pacific at different times, we have regularly seen young local female with usually much older expatriate male.

I'm certainly not saying that all such relationships and marriages aren't for 'true love' ... there's always exceptions.

WH has said privately over the years that "it just doesn't look right" "that will never be me (ie him)" "it just looks so bad" etc etc

And now here he is ... with the true love of his life ... and OW is five years younger than our youngest child. 

All my kids are uncomfortable with the thought of who their Dad has ended up with, especially considering that OW had set her sights on our 37 year old son. 

I recently returned from Australia. I would go supermarket shopping with my sister and her 2 year old grandson each Saturday morning. Without fail, every Saturday morning we would see several couples of "older European male with young Asian woman", doing their shopping. It was clear that some of these young women were 'straight from the village' and were in awe of the range of goods available.

And of course, the proud 'stud' accompanying her is happily loading up the trolley with her/their shopping.

And I can see that being the future for my WH and his OW.

He has always said how much he detests that situation ... but it appears he has changed his mind, big time!! 

What I now need to be alert to is any funds/money/goods making their way to OW's 'worthy' parents down in the village.
Because I think that is what might be behind all this.


----------



## turnera

When my DH goes to Thailand, he says the mothers will bring their 12-13 year old daughters up to him and offer them up for the night. His friend, who lives there, has been through 4 'women' so far'; he lets them go when they hit around 23-25 and finds a younger one.


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## PamJ

<<What I now need to be alert to is any funds/money/goods making their way to OW's 'worthy' parents down in the village.
Because I think that is what might be behind all this.>> 

Very possibly. When my stepson (now 42) was in the Navy he met a girl in the Phillipines. He was young and naive, and she...was not. She was pregnant in months and they married. As soon as they married suddenly she wanted to send money to her parents. There was always some need, repairs to their house, medical problems, whatever. They had two sons and then she turned herself off to him, no romance, no sex, just wanted to be married to a Navy guy.

They divorced and they all live within a few miles of him, but now he has a wife who loves him, not his paycheck.


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## LostViking

I'm confused. Who's thread is this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## disconnected

LostViking said:


> I'm confused. Who's thread is this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How do you mean?

I'm 'disconnected' and this is the thread I started on 30 May 2013 - "I never saw this coming"

There is another thread started by "neversawthiscoming" about 4 weeks ago, entitled "I never saw this coming ... where to now?"

is that what you mean?


----------



## LostViking

Oh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07

Why do you not want to expose the OW ?


----------



## warlock07

disconnected said:


> How do you mean?
> 
> I'm 'disconnected' and this is the thread I started on 30 May 2013 - "I never saw this coming"
> 
> There is another thread started by "neversawthiscoming" about 4 weeks ago, entitled "I never saw this coming ... where to now?"
> 
> is that what you mean?


So that is why you were posting on his thread...ha


----------



## disconnected

warlock07 said:


> So that is why you were posting on his thread...ha


oh, sort of.

His story is quite heartbreaking, but he has come to grips with his situation quite quickly, and seems to be coping really well. I think this 'infidelity' situation is much harder for younger people with young children. They have much more to cope with (than I have to).

When I'm writing on someone else's thread I usually end up adding a comment or two about my situation ... but only by way of explanation in that I am also having WH/OW problems, and can identify with the issues.

What I've noticed is that people who come to TAM/CWI are, at first, in terrible shock. l know I was reeling when I had the first inkling of something going on. I thought I was going to pass out, but I didn't have that luxury because I was looking after my 20 month old grandson at that time.

Without TAM/CWI I would still be in mental turmoil trying to work out what to do/how to cope/how did this happen etc etc. It is the other stories and the good advice that is keeping me going. I think I am now on the way up. 

BTW Neversawthiscoming is waiting for BOOM on Monday. 

I am planning "Action Stations" for when the time is right!! But I am still gathering evidence. 

Hey, thanks for reading and contributing to my thread ... I appreciate it


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## warlock07

So you do plan to expose this OW ? Just remember that shame is a good motivator to change.


----------



## disconnected

warlock07 said:


> Why do you not want to expose the OW ?


Good question ... but mainly because I can't take the risk of her suiciding. 

There was a suicide in our extended family three years ago, and we were all devastated by this.

It was horrible for a long time, but eventually we've been able to cope with it, and of course, have moved on. But at the time it just tore all of us apart. The sense of loss was crushing.

So OW gets away with it ... for now. OW is 27, but a very young, silly, giggley 27 year old. OW has this girly, giggley, childish behaviour which I always found annoying and mindless, but WH found it very endearing. I couldn't believe it.

And then I found out about them, and therefore knew why he was always defending her 'stupidity'.

They deserve each other. But they do not deserve a free run in the bank account ... and I WILL stop that (probably when "Action Stations" begins ...)

Just to add to all this ... WH has always been the calmest and most stable person I have ever known. But these days he is very strained. If he is supposed to be the "happiest" he has been for 20 years, then he isn't showing it. He is looking so much older these days.


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## warlock07

> but mainly because I can't take the risk of her suiciding.


Who told you ? Does she have a track record of suicide attempts?


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## turnera

Lemme guess, WH told you.


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## disconnected

turnera said:


> Lemme guess, WH told you.


My own observation or gut instinct.


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## turnera

She's threatened suicide to you?


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## SaltInWound

She is not going to commit suicide. She wants to live in order to spend all that money. Threats of suicide is meant to get you to go away so they can enjoy their affair.


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## disconnected

SaltInWound said:


> She is not going to commit suicide. She wants to live in order to spend all that money. Threats of suicide is meant to get you to go away so they can enjoy their affair.


Hello Salt in Wound and turnera

It is totally my take on all possibilities. There's been no suicide threats. No talk of suicide at all.

But, with having been through the suicide event three years ago, and observing OW and her flighty behaviour, I can't take the risk that she might do this if exposed.

If exposure leads to her suicide, then I would definitely be blamed. I don't want to be blamed for anybody's suicide.

In my mind, if someone commits suicide then it has been entirely their choice. But if OW suicides, then I don't want the blame for it. If I expose her to her parents, then I would be blamed.

So I am keeping well away from exposing to her parents.

WH - on the other hand - is another matter. When the time is right then I will expose. It will hopefully be "goodbye" to the job he absolutely loves, (and that he is doing very well at).

For now, I still have to bide my time.

Thank you for your questions. I appreciate you reading and contributing to this thread.

cheers


----------



## disconnected

turnera said:


> Lemme guess, WH told you.


No he didn't. It is totally my take on her flighty behaviour.
thanks for asking the question though.


----------



## disconnected

I have two Plans A ... Plan A Asia and Plan A Australia.

Plan A Asia entails getting my old job back, which has recently been advertised. I found out today that I am on the short list, and will be interviewed at the end of next week.

If I am not successful, then Plan A Australia will go into effect. This will mean returning to Australia and being a hands on grandmother to my grandson, and "auntie nana" to my sister's five grandchildren. These six "grandchildren" range in age from 1 to 6 years old. 

So whatever the outcome, it is all win/win as far as I am concerned.

There has also been progress with my adult children this week. They are annoyed that WH has told OW that he has been unhappy for 20 years. Yet they are puzzled that he said to me last week that "never in a million years" would he have thought our marriage could break up. It just doesn't add up.

WH is also virtually distancing himself from our kids. He only has limited contact with the kids these days, making it easier for me to communicate with them 

This coming week will be spent preparing for the interview. Just to say that I haven't had an interview for over 25 years, but seeing that my cover letter and cv made it through to the short list, then hopefully the interview gets me the job, which will give me some financial security for when WH goes thru with the separation.

But whatever the outcome, the future is looking bright.


----------



## turnera

There are tons of articles on line about how to do a good interview, what questions YOU should ask, etc. Make sure you look them up!


----------



## PamJ

Good luck on the interview, I would hope your former experience will be a plus as well as your life experience. 

We ourselves just hired two older people, older that those who usually apply, because sometimes the younger ones just don't get the work ethic thing and one of them was texting during training! (He's gone now, could not work the days he said he could and then kept telling us more days he was unavailable.

You are well spoken and have a great attitude, so , good luck to you!


----------



## disconnected

The interview takes place tomorrow (Thursday 26 Sept). I am being interviewed in Asia by two senior members of the organisation based here while at the same time via telephone link with two HR staff members at head office in Australia.

Apparently there were 'many' applicants, and I am one of four short-listed for interview. Making the short list is a huge achievement in itself. 

The skills and attributes in my cover letter and cv will now be put to the test by way of questions as to how I behave in and deal with certain situations. The interview will take 45 minutes. 

I know 3 of the 4 interviewers, and had previous phone contact with the remaining interviewer when dealing with my leave without pay. But I will remain professional ... I will treat the interview as if this is the first time I am meeting the interviewers ... and I will dress the part. 

It has certainly helped losing the excess weight ... I now look good in my black jacket and black/white patterned dress.

Thank you turnera and Pamj for your advice. I have been reading as much as possible, as well as studying the organisation's values statement.

I recall during the interview to enter the organisation 25 years ago being asked the name of one of the senior leaders. I knew the name, much to the surprise of the interviewers. I wondered at the time whether I was the only one who answered correctly. You just never know what is going to come from "left field". But I digress ...

I'll let you know what happens.

Oh yes, WH does not know that I have been selected for interview ... he thinks I am still waiting to hear. 

There is little point in telling him anything because he repeats EVERYTHING to OW. 

And he stated very strongly last night that he doesn't love me. (Fine by me ... because I don't love what he has turned into ... the person I thought he was and whom I loved has long gone ... but he thinks I am still madly in love with him and want him back).


----------



## alte Dame

I'm sorry that you had to hear your H tell you that he doesn't love you. After all these years, that is difficult. I'm glad that you're able to process it the way you have.

The best of luck with your interview. I will send you vibes from the left coast of N. America. Who knows what helps?


----------



## waiwera

Best of luck with the interview 'disconnected'... fingers and toes crossed for you!


----------



## disconnected

Miss Molly - I have sent you two private messages. I am new to the private messages function, and have only just now found your very kind message of 11 June.

Many thanks.

Our stories are very similar ... AND we both share the same first name ... how about that!!


----------



## turnera

Good luck!


----------



## missthelove2013

call me crazy, and maybe I am stereotyping...but it has GOT to be very bad in asian culture for a young single woman to go after an old married family man, isnt it??

I would SO tell the OW's family what is happening...
good luck to you...


----------



## Overthemoon88

Disconnected ... I can sense the positiveness of your spirit emanating from my screen !!! Proud of you !!! 

I do drop in on CWI now and again. I've got lots of updates to post too but haven't gotten around to it since we came back from our summer hols.

Anyway, this thread is not about me ... It is about you ... You have certainly come a long way since DDay. We do have approximately the same timeline and I do wonder all the time how you are making progress. 

I really hope that the Company recognises your assets and you get the job offer. Remember, whether you do eventually land the position or not, you took a MEGA MENTAL STEP - to break away from the shackles of your WH. You are taking control now. And we are proud of you :smthumbup: .

I'll get around to posting my updates soon.

Good luck. Onward and upward.


----------



## Overthemoon88

missthelove2013 said:


> call me crazy, and maybe I am stereotyping...but it has GOT to be very bad in asian culture for a young single woman to go after an old married family man, isnt it??
> 
> I would SO tell the OW's family what is happening...
> good luck to you...


I'm out here in Asia.

The answer - it depends on the economic background of OW. At the lower rung, they don't give a damn. Having mistresses and 'girlfriends' and _mai noi_ (like in Thailand) is not uncommon ... Kerchingggggg .


----------



## PamJ

What is the point of you WH telling you that, I wonder. It just seems cruel and intentionally hurtful. At the very least it should make you even more resolute in your current endeavors.

Good luck with Plan A #1!


----------



## disconnected

45 minutes till the interview.


Thank you for your good wishes. Whatever happens I have two very good plans A ...

I am going to spend 20 minutes in front of the mirror giving myself questions, then the answers.

I have many examples to fit many situations. I just need to a) not motor mouth my way through or b) not be stunned to silence or c) um, well, um, I ... um ............. and so forth.

Ok, "onward and upward"

cheers


----------



## Overthemoon88

(((HUGS)))

You GO FOR IT, Lady !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## disconnected

disconnected said:


> 45 minutes till the interview.
> 
> 
> Thank you for your good wishes. Whatever happens I have two very good plans A ...
> 
> I am going to spend 20 minutes in front of the mirror giving myself questions, then the answers.
> 
> I have many examples to fit many situations. I just need to a) not motor mouth my way through or b) not be stunned to silence or c) um, well, um, I ... um ............. and so forth.
> 
> Ok, "onward and upward"
> 
> cheers


Oh dear ...

I committed the mortal sins of a) motor mouth (blah blah x lots!!), followed by b) stunned into silence.

I was so stunned into silence that I didn't manage c) um, ah, oh, etc etc


Aside from that I think the interview went well. The answers I had prepared went awol. The perfect answer to one of the questions hid in the recesses of my mind only to be replaced by the 'broadcasted' complex answer. When I started broadcasting the various threads to the complex answer the interviewers were the ones stunned into silence!! Oh dear ...

It turned out to be three interviewers instead of four ... two here and one by phone in Australia. I know them all quite well. And they all know me quite well. Whether they will excuse the nerves or not, well, I can only wait and see.

I now have a week's break from everything, then it will be either following Plan A Asia (work) or Plan A Australia (grandchildren ... my one and only, and my sister's five). 

My sister has to share her grandchildren with me because ... well, just because ... 

I have known all her grandchildren since they were babies, and I feel very close to them.

I'm not going to waste any more time on WH ... 


Thank you everyone for your help, support, advice, kind wishes, contributions ... 

I think I have come through to the other end ... but mainly because of TAM/CWI and my wonderful sister ... (and some family members)


----------



## disconnected

missthelove2013 said:


> call me crazy, and maybe I am stereotyping...but it has GOT to be very bad in asian culture for a young single woman to go after an old married family man, isnt it??
> 
> I would SO tell the OW's family what is happening...
> good luck to you...


I haven't exposed to OW family yet ... and not sure whether I will.

But just to say that the family might think that their daughter is a raging success like Rupert Murdoch's third wife Deng Wen Ge (ie Wendi Deng). So my exposing OW to her family could very well backfire on me ...

Also, if my 40 year old daughter was hanging out with a 77 year old married man I would be very unhappy.

But it is possible that OW's family will think she has hit the jackpot with my 64 year old WH. 

WH is fit and healthy at the moment, but none of us know what is around the corner. I can't imagine that OW would want to be his nurse for very long. :rofl:


----------



## PamJ

Don't over-think your interview. If they know you and they know you have not had to do this for 25 years, I think they will cut you some slack, or, maybe you were aware of it, but they, not so much.

I hope your week passes quickly, stay busy doing something good for you.


----------



## turnera

Don't forget to send them a thank you follow-up letter, in which you highlight the things you need to reiterate and express what you forgot to say or said badly.


----------



## PamJ

<<Don't forget to send them a thank you follow-up letter, in which you highlight the things you need to reiterate and express what you forgot to say or said badly.>>

Always a good idea! Even in our industry (transportation/service) the people who follow this type of protocol and act like they really want the job, are the ones we choose. It shows good form and we have more faith they will treat our clients well also.


----------



## turnera

Yep. I got my first job after college solely because of the letter I sent. In fact, he had forgotten about me, but after reading the letter, he went back and fished out my resume.


----------



## disconnected

Two days ago I came across his camera. He thinks I do not know how to find the memory card, let alone how to use it.

Oh dear ... big mistake

I took memory card out, raced up to the local photographers ... bought a 8 gb usb stick, and had them download ALL photos ...

When I got back I noticed that the camera had been 'moved' from where I had left it.

Nevertheless, I returned the memory card.

BUT - 5 minutes later he came to me and wanted to know if I had removed the memory card. Apparently he had gone to use the camera while I was at the photographers, but no memory card inside.

Yet just after I returned all of a sudden there is a memory card in the camera. "What is going on?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

So I said again that I didn't understand what he was talking about ... but he knew ...

There are some 'lovely' holiday snaps ... and the best thing is that they are time/dated ... perfect ...

A really good one is where OW is lying down on an outdoors wooden bed/reclining chair, smiling ... wearing a one piece bathing suit

But the best one is where WH is lying on another wooden bed/stretcher etc ... smiling at the camera ... one leg bent 'upwards' with his foot flat on the bed, and the other bent 'sideways' lying flat on the bed.

Perfect caption for WH is "take me ... I'm yours!!":rofl:

This isn't even painful any more ... I can't stop laughing ... and neither can my sister. 

If I ever decide to expose to her family, then these two photos would be perfect!! (But exposure is just a daydream right now ...)

and ... my sister can be trusted not to distribute these images.


----------



## disconnected

disconnected said:


> Two days ago I came across his camera. He thinks I do not know how to find the memory card, let alone how to use it.
> 
> Oh dear ... big mistake
> 
> I took memory card out, raced up to the local photographers ... bought a 8 gb usb stick, and had them download ALL photos ...
> 
> When I got back I noticed that the camera had been 'moved' from where I had left it.
> 
> Nevertheless, I returned the memory card.
> 
> BUT - 5 minutes later he came to me and wanted to know if I had removed the memory card. Apparently he had gone to use the camera while I was at the photographers, but no memory card inside.
> 
> Yet just after I returned all of a sudden there is a memory card in the camera. "What is going on?"
> 
> "What are you talking about?" I asked.
> 
> So I said again that I didn't understand what he was talking about ... but he knew ...
> 
> There are some 'lovely' holiday snaps ... and the best thing is that they are time/dated ... perfect ...
> 
> A really good one is where OW is lying down on an outdoors wooden bed/reclining chair, smiling ... wearing a one piece bathing suit
> 
> But the best one is where WH is lying on another wooden bed/stretcher etc ... smiling at the camera ... one leg bent 'upwards' with his foot flat on the bed, and the other bent 'sideways' lying flat on the bed.
> 
> Perfect caption for WH is "take me ... I'm yours!!":rofl:
> 
> This isn't even painful any more ... I can't stop laughing ... and neither can my sister.
> 
> If I ever decide to expose to her family, then these two photos would be perfect!! (But exposure is just a daydream right now ...)
> 
> and ... my sister can be trusted not to distribute these images.


forgot to add that in his photo he is shirtless (not a good look at any time) wearing bathing trunks. he is also wearing a 'smirky smile' ...


----------



## Overthemoon88

Well done, you !! Lady M is getting to be as good as the Felicity Kendall character in Rosemary & Thyme :smthumbup: .

Learn from your darling H when confronted about the memory stick again - deny, deny, deny. Go on the "who?? me ??" mode ! 

My guess is, sooner or later, WH will gain more confidence in conducting his clandestine activities and would be more careless in covering his tracks. 

Stay calm with Plan A (1). There might even be a shortlist within a shortlist.

Ahhhhhh ... Talking about kitties, here is our 'room mate' in Barcelona : 










He's huge !!! All 6.5 kilos  ... Missing him already.


----------



## turnera

I'm a big believer in, when having a cheating spouse who won't let you see their phone and you need proof of their cheating, to just watch them and wait for them to slip up and set their phone down, and then just go snatch it and hide it somewhere and then go back to what you were doing. When they go for it and realize it's missing, just look all innocent and say huh? I dunno, you had it a minute ago, must have set it down somewhere. Later, when he/she leaves, take it out and get all the info/proof off of it that you need; take it to an expert if you have to. Once you have it, replace it back where he left it (or someplace where he might see it and go, ah, THAT's where I left it. None the wiser, and you have your proof.


----------



## disconnected

Overthemoon88 said:


> Well done, you !! Lady M is getting to be as good as the Felicity Kendall character in Rosemary & Thyme :smthumbup: .
> 
> Learn from your darling H when confronted about the memory stick again - deny, deny, deny. Go on the "who?? me ??" mode !
> 
> My guess is, sooner or later, WH will gain more confidence in conducting his clandestine activities and would be more careless in covering his tracks.
> 
> Stay calm with Plan A (1). There might even be a shortlist within a shortlist.
> 
> Ahhhhhh ... Talking about kitties, here is our 'room mate' in Barcelona :
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> He's huge !!! All 6.5 kilos  ... Missing him already.


thank for the photo of the 'room mate' ... I am not surprised that you miss him ... cats - and dogs - have a way of becoming important in our lives. My 'boy' in Australia is about 6 kgs ... he's a bit of a heavy lump! But he is the focus of the whole family - he is 'in charge' of us all. (WH hasn't got a hope if there's a "custody" battle ahead!

My 'boy' is currently residing in a 'cat resort' while my son and his lovely girlfriend are away travelling for 3 weeks.

I was walking past an expat office area tonight and noticed an elderly local man putting out food and water under the fence for the stray cats. We spoke for about five minutes He is a pedicab driver, but each evening comes along with dried cat food and water for about ten cats and kittens. There's just something about cats - and dogs - that breaks down barriers.

Anyway, WH knows that I got into the memory card. I will continue to be vague/deny etc etc. But he doesn't know what I did with the card. He doesn't know that I downloaded ALL the photos.

He will be careful about EVERYTHING from now on. 

He has another problem ... the pink nightie, pink undies, and thick black pantyhose ...

I found them a couple of weeks ago ... and sent them back to Australia in case I needed some sort of evidence later on.

He is now wondering where those items are. He implied that I might have been into his room ... but it is very difficult for him to ask me "Have you taken the "pink" things etc" ... because what if he has misplaced them? What if he has forgotten where they are? And - if I haven't got them, or been into his room ... then all he has done is alert me that he has had "pink" things in his bag.

It will be good if he can experience some of the turmoil he's put me through ...


----------



## disconnected

turnera said:


> I'm a big believer in, when having a cheating spouse who won't let you see their phone and you need proof of their cheating, to just watch them and wait for them to slip up and set their phone down, and then just go snatch it and hide it somewhere and then go back to what you were doing. When they go for it and realize it's missing, just look all innocent and say huh? I dunno, you had it a minute ago, must have set it down somewhere. Later, when he/she leaves, take it out and get all the info/proof off of it that you need; take it to an expert if you have to. Once you have it, replace it back where he left it (or someplace where he might see it and go, ah, THAT's where I left it. None the wiser, and you have your proof.


Excellent idea. Unfortunately he put a password on his phone and I haven't been able to get into it for over 6 months.

I used to go thru his phone (txts and email - before it was passworded) when he was in the shower, but once it was passworded I couldn't get back in. And also, had to be careful that I didn't attempt to get in because the phone would show "failed" attempt. (I know this because I have the same type of phone).

Anyway, your suggestions are great, and I will apply them to other ways and means of finding more evidence. Thank you for your good advice.


----------



## turnera

I have a hard time believing that, if you take the phone to a professional, he won't be able to decode the password.


----------



## Overthemoon88

Ohhhh ... On my night of DD2, I almost screwed up the password on his Blackberry with the number of failed attempts. 

I haven't accessed it for a long while. The first time he gave me the password, we were out for a family dinner. I played it cool, didn't write it down but looked across the table and realised that, except for 2 jumbled-up digits, it was printed on the very same tee shirt my son was wearing that evening ! Co-incidence or what !!!

After numerous failed attempts, it dawned on me .... I rushed to son's room, rummaged through his wardrobe ... And voila


----------



## disconnected

No news about the job yet. The decision was supposed to be out yesterday.

So it is still a waiting game. Hopefully Plan A Asia or Plan A Australia will be decided this week.


----------



## Acabado

Fingers crossed here for you.


----------



## disconnected

Acabado said:


> Fingers crossed here for you.


Many thanks for your kind thoughts.

I hope it is ok to share my thoughts here today.

I skyped with my sister yesterday afternoon, and later on with two of my kids and their partners.

It is still a waiting game regarding the job, which will be the decisionmaker. But, my sister says for me to come home now, forget the job, and to start to move on and enjoy life by spending time reconnecting with family and being involved with grandchildren (her five and my one ...).

During a later Skype with my younger daughter and younger son and their partners, my son felt that - if I got the job - then I should take it and concentrate on building up some financial security.

This son is also a firefighter (as is his older brother), and he said that in his job he frequently comes across older age pensioners in pensioner units, who live from day to day. He said that some of them have quite miserable existences.

This job - if I get it - will be my last chance for meaningful employment ... otherwise I will be considered 'old' in Australia and therefore on the scrapheap. That's just 'reality' these days.

On my next birthday I qualify for the 'old age' pension. WH is keen for me to return to Australia and go on this. In addition, I have a modest retirement fund, which I have contributed to for the past 25 years. WH had earlier said that he would not ask for the half that he is legally entitled to.

But that has changed ... WH now wants half. Legally, I can do nothing about that. It would therefore make my retirement marginally above those who are only on the old age pension. (I think the reason WH has changed his mind is that he is now finding out that infidelity - EA he says - costs money. He is earning a good wage, but we are not saving as much as we did before OW became the main focus in HIS life. BTW I have been saving separately ... while he goes on his romantic holidays and weekends with OW I stay around this city and save like mad). 

There are so many decisions to make about the future. But the one I am grappling with right now is - if I get the job, should I take it, or go back to Aus and be a pensioner (happily involved with family).

Thanks for listening to/reading this.


----------



## Shaggy

Can you not go after recovery of the money he has spent on his affair? Here in the US you can - things like trips, gifts, hotels that he doesn't on the affair.


----------



## disconnected

Shaggy said:


> Can you not go after recovery of the money he has spent on his affair? Here in the US you can - things like trips, gifts, hotels that he doesn't on the affair.


Thanks for your response.

I am not sure about this.

There is no fault divorce where I come from and therefore I am not confident that this would be taken into consideration. But I will check. Everything is 'halved' here ... but having said that I read today about a case where a SAHW was awarded 70% of AUS$1.7 million. The Judge took into account how BW had given up her career to look after the children and the household for her executive husband. She had moved with WH and her children to 3 overseas transfers/study opportunities and kept everything going smoothly on the home front. Before her marriage and children, she had a promising career in management herself, but in her early 50s after 25+ years of marriage - she could only get work as a lowly paid receptionist. 

There was brief mention of WH's two physical affairs. But it is still a "no fault" system.

I think our assets all up would be up to about AUS$1 million. If our assets etc are halved I would be in line for AUS$500,000. The sickening thought is that OW only has to stay with WH for about 4 years and she will be entitled to half of WH's half - that's AUS$250,00 which should rightly go to our kids.

But I don't think the kids care about the money/assets etc a ... I think they would like WH and I to be together ... otherwise for us to be happy even if that means apart. But none of them are happy about OW, who is 5 years younger than our youngest. The whole situation is bizarre - I never saw it coming and it is still hard to believe that it has happened.

Sorry for the long post - it's been a lonely day today.


----------



## "joe"

hi disconnected. i'm sorry to read about your situation. i'll be having money issues with my WW too, so i can sympathize with the fear involved.

please don't apologize, reading and posting here has helped me cope with the loneliness, so keep posting!


----------



## Nucking Futs

disconnected said:


> Sorry for the long post - it's been a lonely day today.


Nothing to be sorry for. This forum serves two purposes: advice and venting. I've been following your thread from the beginning and while I may not have any helpful advice for you I'm pulling for you. Post as much as you like, get it all off your chest, and I and others will read every word.


----------



## PamJ

Once you know where you will be in the future, I would contact an attorney and ask about these financial issues. If all the money earned is shared equally, I would think the money he spent on the OW should come into play, especially as you had no say in the matter, but I don't know the legalities of that where you are/will be. For that you should make an appointment with one and get your ducks in a row before you move forward.


----------



## disconnected

Plan A Australia

I just heard that I didn't get the job.


----------



## Overthemoon88

Kitty will be delighted.

Grandchildren will be delighted.

And YOU will have a new lease in life. Cherish it.

Think about it ... No more coping with WH's BS.

You will be Home.

(((Hugssss)


----------



## PamJ

AS you said , it's a win-win, but, personally, I think family trumps everything else. Now you can begin.


----------



## disconnected

Hi OTM, Hi Pam

Thanks for the very supportive messages.

It is win/win ... 

I've done the job before so it won't be any great loss not to do it again.

I will be going home to be 'nana" and "nana auntie (my name)"

and ... 'action stations' has just begun I think ... re WH's job.

OW is next!!


----------



## disconnected

My sister is delighted.

Also, there's two caesareans looming in April so it is good that I will be around to help my daughter while my sister will be helping her Asian daughter in law.

At that stage my grandson will be 3, and my sister's grandson will be 20 months old. So the two 'nanas' will be fully occupied helping the new mums with these two children, plus helping with the new babies ... and doing heavy lifting around the house so that the new mums don't have to!

The two dads will be busy with their respective work ... my SIL is an adult university student and my nephew is a very busy and successful tradesman.

Life is looking good!!


----------



## 86857

Disconnected - I just saw your post on Angie's thread. :woohoo: You are also one gutsy lady to have made the decision! Just think if this hadn't happened you would probably have missed out on precious time with your family and all the little ones plus all the new ones arriving. :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: You are going to be one busy lady!
The universe works in mysterious ways and you are on your way back to a wonderful family who love and adore you. 
I have so much admiration for you and Angie. 
All the best to you.
**********


----------



## disconnected

********** said:


> Disconnected - I just saw your post on Angie's thread. :woohoo: You are also one gutsy lady to have made the decision! Just think if this hadn't happened you would probably have missed out on precious time with your family and all the little ones plus all the new ones arriving. :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: You are going to be one busy lady!
> The universe works in mysterious ways and you are on your way back to a wonderful family who love and adore you.
> I have so much admiration for you and Angie.
> All the best to you.
> **********


Thank you for your very supportive post.

I especially liked the comments about time with family, and going back to a wonderful family. I love my kids.

There have been several low points since DDay; the significantly low points were the ones where I came across comments by WH to OW concerning our children. I was nearly destroyed when I read WH's comment "All my children want me to divorce (disconnected). They know I have been unhappy for many years and they just want me to be happy"...

OMG ... I could hardly breathe . 

Because of the long hours I have worked for 23 years - as the 'breadwinner' - my WH was the primary carer at home, when they were pre-teens/teenagers. (We swapped roles when the youngest was 7 and the oldest 14).

WH has been a really great Dad. I always sensed that WH was the 'favourite' parent, but I didn't mind that because I thought it was great that the four kids and WH related so well.

But I hadn't realised that the four kids ... now all in their 30s ... had felt that WH had been so unhappy that he now deserved happiness with OW.

Several months later I had the courage to ask them all individually about whether they wanted their Dad to divorce me and therefore be happy with OW.

They were all horrified about what I had asked them. Also, at that stage, they were not aware that OW had wedged her way into our marriage, and therefore potentially broken up the family.

I now know that all the kids are supporting me, but of course, still want to be in contact with their Dad. But none of them want anything to do with OW.

With the help of my sister - unbeknown to the kids - I'm confident that WH was 'misrepresenting' the truth about them to OW.

I am finding it very hard to forgive him for telling OW that they virtually had such little respect for me.

Anyway, his turn is coming ... 'action stations' any day now

(hey, thanks again for the support ... also, TAM/CWI has helped me through this ... I am very grateful for the reassurance from you and the other people who comment on this thread...)


----------



## "joe"

disconnected, that's great news about your return to australia. you have a big supportive family and that'll be a great joy to you. 

you said the following in your post that goes to my own worries and i wonder if others suffer this too.



disconnected said:


> But I hadn't realised that the four kids ... now all in their 30s ... had felt that WH had been so unhappy that he now deserved happiness with OW.
> 
> Several months later I had the courage to ask them all individually about whether they wanted their Dad to divorce me and therefore be happy with OW.
> 
> They were all horrified about what I had asked them. Also, at that stage, they were not aware that OW had wedged her way into our marriage, and therefore potentially broken up the family.
> 
> I now know that all the kids are supporting me, but of course, still want to be in contact with their Dad. But none of them want anything to do with OW.
> 
> With the help of my sister - unbeknown to the kids - I'm confident that WH was 'misrepresenting' the truth about them to OW.
> 
> I am finding it very hard to forgive him for telling OW that they virtually had such little respect for me.


i know for a fact that my stbxw is 'misrepresenting' the texture of our marriage. i know this because she has since d-day accused me of things that are preposterous, and these will be the things that she is telling others as examples of the reasons why she left. i had hoped for a reconciliation, in part, i must admit this, because we had a life together that involved activities with her family in lovely locations. one reason i think we can no longer reconcile is that she would have to repair my name with her family and some of the friends who apparently believe everything she's telling them, and i'm not sure anyway that i could forgive her for what she's been saying about me (never mind the deceit and infidelity and arrogance about it). frankly i feel slandered. so i understand your difficulty there too.


----------



## Busy Accountant

disconnected said:


> Thanks for your response.
> 
> I am not sure about this.
> 
> There is no fault divorce where I come from and therefore I am not confident that this would be taken into consideration. But I will check. Everything is 'halved' here ... but having said that I read today about a case where a SAHW was awarded 70% of AUS$1.7 million. The Judge took into account how BW had given up her career to look after the children and the household for her executive husband. She had moved with WH and her children to 3 overseas transfers/study opportunities and kept everything going smoothly on the home front. Before her marriage and children, she had a promising career in management herself, but in her early 50s after 25+ years of marriage - she could only get work as a lowly paid receptionist.
> 
> There was brief mention of WH's two physical affairs. But it is still a "no fault" system.
> 
> I think our assets all up would be up to about AUS$1 million. If our assets etc are halved I would be in line for AUS$500,000. *The sickening thought is that OW only has to stay with WH for about 4 years and she will be entitled to half of WH's half - that's AUS$250,00 which should rightly go to our kids.*
> But I don't think the kids care about the money/assets etc a ... I think they would like WH and I to be together ... otherwise for us to be happy even if that means apart. But none of them are happy about OW, who is 5 years younger than our youngest. The whole situation is bizarre - I never saw it coming and it is still hard to believe that it has happened.
> 
> Sorry for the long post - it's been a lonely day today.


Hi Disconnected

I have been watching your posts since the start. 50-something BS here, completely different situation and ending. But I relate to the life-long sacrifices you have made on behalf of your marriage, your H and your children. I have not been and am not anticipating divorce. So, I can only imagine what is going through you mind.

Here's something I would consider talking to an attorney about....

Tallying up the expenses spent on the OW and the affair, and gifting that amount to each of your children before you lose control of the marital assets. Then continue to do so until you are divorced. Of course, this may affect your lifestyle a bit when you get back home, but it may be worth it to know your kids are getting the benefit of their father's efforts (as they should) and the ole geezer isnt' going to have as much to spend on his little honey. In fact he may not be as attractive to her when you are done with him. If its working well, you may even want to slow up the legal divorce process. Since your kids are relatively young, the money may mean more to them now than later when you pass.

I know this is a bit off the wall, but it may be worth spending 30 minutes of your attoney's time talking about it and seeing what your options are.

I am so glad that you are looking forward to your new beginning. I will continue to follow your future success.


----------



## turnera

I'm sorry you didn't get the job, but SO happy you'll be back with the family who loves and wants you. And needs you! Time with little ones is never wasted.


----------



## Busy Accountant

Hummmm....

or set up a trust fund, current income equally to STBXH and you, remainder to kids/ grandkids on your death?

What judge wouldn't at least see that you are trying to do the right thing?

Sorry...just thinking....


----------



## PamJ

<<and ... 'action stations' has just begun I think ... re WH's job.>>

I would totally blow it up at this point @ WHs job and everyone else you feel should know. Can't wait to hear how that goes.

Do you know when you're heading home yet?


----------



## disconnected

PamJ said:


> <<and ... 'action stations' has just begun I think ... re WH's job.>>
> 
> I would totally blow it up at this point @ WHs job and everyone else you feel should know. Can't wait to hear how that goes.
> 
> Do you know when you're heading home yet?


I am not sure when I am leaving here. Will most likely be back in Australia before Christmas.

My son is getting married early next year and I am in the middle of arranging for his, the best man and groomsman's suits being made here. Lengthy process because I relay the measurements to the local tailor, then the suits go back to Australia for fitting, then back for alteration if necessary and so on. 

I would not be able to trust WH to carry this out. He is too addicted to OW to even think about his kids these days. (That comment is said without rancour ... it is a fact that he cannot be relied on to carry out tasks that do not involve OW and his job). It is very sad to observe this.

I am definitely leaving Asia; but WH will have to apply for separation. I do not agree with it, and therefore he can go ahead and separate anyway. It will be the same when we divorce. I will not apply for or cooperate at all with being divorced. WH will have to force this. (I know it is inevitable that I will be divorced in due course).

I skyped with my two daughters last night. They are disappointed in their dad, and just want me to come home. The girls and my sister have said I can go and stay with them (at their respective homes) until the dust settles and I find somewhere of my own.

I am steady on the course ahead, but there's still a roller coaster of emotions. This is so painful and I'm tearful a lot of the time, which has caught me by surprise. 

It is taking me all my strength not to have someone contact OW's parents. 

Tell me, someone ... how on earth do young women with young children, babies, or are pregnant ... how the hell do they get through this? I am just thankful (to God) that this didn't happen 25-30 years ago. I would never have coped ... I know that for certain.

(Oh dear, I am sounding like it is a"bad day" today ... things can only get better 

Oh yes, they are better already ... his clothes are getting tighter and he is getting paunchier ... all yours OW - enjoy!:rofl:


----------



## SaltInWound

disconnected said:


> Oh yes, they are better already ... his clothes are getting tighter and he is getting paunchier ... all yours OW - enjoy!:rofl:


 All that drinking and eating high calorie restaurant food results in fat. And there is no incentive to lose weight, because the unspoken glue that keeps the gold digger is money. She doesn't care what he looks like, as long as his wallet is attractive. My stbxh has packed on over 50 pounds to a body that was already obese.


----------



## disconnected

Action stations!!

WH told me that Head office are asking questions (and I know that THEY will want answers!!)

Who have I been speaking to in Head Office?

No-one. and that is the honest truth.


so, it looks like it has started (without me saying anything!)

there's bound to be more to come ...


----------



## SaltInWound

disconnected said:


> Action stations!!
> 
> WH told me that Head office are asking questions (and I know that THEY will want answers!!)
> 
> Who have I been speaking to in Head Office?
> 
> No-one. and that is the honest truth.
> 
> 
> so, it looks like it has started (without me saying anything!)
> 
> there's bound to be more to come ...


:smthumbup:


----------



## Nucking Futs

disconnected said:


> action stations!!
> 
> Wh told me that head office are asking questions (and i know that they will want answers!!)
> 
> who have i been speaking to in head office?
> 
> No-one *yet*. And that is the honest truth.
> 
> 
> So, it looks like it has started (without me saying anything!)
> 
> there's bound to be more to come ...


fify


----------



## Overthemoon88

disconnected said:


> Action stations!!
> 
> WH told me that Head office are asking questions (and I know that THEY will want answers!!)
> 
> Who have I been speaking to in Head Office?
> 
> No-one. and that is the honest truth.
> 
> 
> so, it looks like it has started (without me saying anything!)
> 
> there's bound to be more to come ...


Your conscience is clear ... Whilst someone else's is not ...

More interesting days to come, for sure  

Sit back and get the popcorn ready. You will be back in your family's embrace real soon. And he will be still floating in his own fantasy world. And for how long ?

I wish this is the right time for me to implement my 'action station' but I shall wait ...

STBXH is working for a big Aussie MNC company. Just the year before, his mate who brought him to the company was sacked unceremoniously for bigtime CBT that got the Oz police involved et al. He is still on the run, this guy. Pertaining to STBXH, I got email proof that his Commercial Director in the UAE agreed (via his company's email addie!) to help secure a UAE visa for OW.

Do you reckon I should email Mr CEO to tell him that his company has facilitated in the commission of a crime (adultery) contrary to Article 356 of the UAE Penal Code, which is a jailable offence ?


----------



## alte Dame

Overthemoon88 said:


> Do you reckon I should email Mr CEO to tell him that his company has facilitated in the commission of a crime (adultery) contrary to Article 356 of the UAE Penal Code, which is a jailable offence ?


Why don't you? I don't understand why BS's don't blow these things up via work when they can. Your stbx's OW seems particularly rancid, Overthemoon. Why not give her just a taste of what she has given you. I don't see this as revenge. To me it is comeuppance that is appropriate and overdue. They won't go so far as to report her and have her thrown in chains, but they might revoke the visa request.

OP, what exactly can happen to your WH at his company if they know what he is doing?


----------



## PamJ

Disconnected, am I reading between the lines here? Did someone else start the ball rolling for you then? or was this a happy coincidence? If it's the former, then good on ya! If it's the latter, then serendipity, my favorite thing.

Either way, it's good for you and bad for H and you will be home where people truly care for you, unlike him.


----------



## hopefulgirl

Perhaps you have an idea how the questioning might have started at the head office, and perhaps you don't - but I would understand if you chose to be cautious and not post anything either way about that here. 

Just know that a lot of people are smiling about that bit of news. Ah, karma....

:smthumbup:


----------



## disconnected

Our youngest son arrives here on Friday, staying for ten days. All the kids chipped in to pay the airfare ... he is coming here to support me. We will go to local landmarks so that he can take photos of me there ... I don't have access to the photos taken around here over the past few years and anyway, those photos will just be a reminder of the time WH and I were together here.

My son and I will spend a few days travelling and sightseeing in another nearby province.

I am starting to do my inventory prior to leaving.

Not sure what is happening to WH on the work front. I doubt if anything will happen to him as this organisation is well-known for its "boys club". Even thought the organisation states it is an equal opportunity employer ... well, that does look good on the surface ... but lurking beneath is the very strong 'men's network'!!

I can't fight it ... and I can't be bothered fighting it. I am looking ahead to divorce ... which won't be finalised until early 2016.

I will return to Australia to be Nana and Nana Auntie "Disconnected". Three babies are due in 2014 (one grandchild and two 'Nana Auntie Disconnected' "grand(?)"children. Can't wait.

I've decided to retire and take on a really busy role as prime carer for my grandchild due in April. My daughter and SIL will both be studying full time in 2014 and this will only be possible if I live with them. They want me to help run the household and care for the baby while they attend lectures and study. (My grandson will be a creche). I think that is a GREAT idea. 

I'm still experiencing many ups and downs. I just want the 'down' days to lessen ... they are horrible, and don't seem to be getting less. But not long to go now ...

Thanks for listening.


----------



## turnera

I think you'll be happier when your happiness doesn't depend on keeping a man happy.


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## hopefulgirl

The "downs" are quite normal under the circumstances, but there are some wonderful "ups" that you have to look forward to!!

So glad to hear about your son arriving soon, and joy on the way is of course fantastic. The little ones bring to mind the idea of legacy - WH is going to be known as that old fool, and in caring for your grandchild, won't you be quite the contrast?

I wonder if it might be easier on you to sometimes think of him as having "died" in a way. His brain did! If you were widowed, you'd have to carry on and make a life for yourself. You'd have no control over that situation, and you have no control over this one - so, maybe a little mind game with yourself might help lessen the depth of some of the "downs?" Just a thought.


----------



## Rosie 1

Hi Disconnected,

I am new to this page but have been starting to read some fellow BS threads. I really feel so deeply for all you have and are going through. Your story just strikes me as so unjust and I can't help but feel your H is going to get the most god-awful reality check one of these days. It sounds like the worst case of a MLC combined with an affair and all the other things I've learned here on TAM like the 'fog'. 

I don't think he will feel it though until he feels like you are dust in the wind - an ethereal memory he can't quite capture in his hands anymore let alone his heart or thoughts because you will be so far away in a new country and a new life and a new mindset. This young Asian woman will suddenly feel like a tremendous burden and a foreign virus he needs to shake once you have left Asia back to Australia and all his kids have isolated him. Do you get a sense yourself that at some point he is going to be overwhelmed with tremendous regret? Because I do. I don't know why but I really do. 

I am praying against hope it happens to me to my husband too though like you, not sure I ever want to see him back.

I wish you luck. Your story touched me.

Rosie.


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## PamJ

WSs blame the BS for their supposed unhappiness until they can no longer. Once you are gone he will have to realize that everything he has done is all on him now. And, once the house of cards he is building with the OW collapses, he will have no one.

You, on the other hand, will have your Plan A and be fully surrounded by the love of your family and be needed and wanted as Nana.

He will not have any of this.

Best of luck to you.


----------



## Overthemoon88

Pam is so very right ...

I remember my Grand Aunt's oft-repeated sayings : There will come a time in your life, when you meet up with old friends or acquaintances, the question on their lips is NOT "how much do you have in the bank now?" or "how much are you earning?" ... But "how many children or grandchildren do you have?". And THAT is the true measure of wealth.

And THAT, disconnected, is what you will have ALWAYS.

(((HUGS)))


----------



## Overthemoon88

alte Dame said:


> Why don't you? I don't understand why BS's don't blow these things up via work when they can. Your stbx's OW seems particularly rancid, Overthemoon. Why not give her just a taste of what she has given you. I don't see this as revenge. To me it is comeuppance that is appropriate and overdue. They won't go so far as to report her and have her thrown in chains, but they might revoke the visa request.


I don't know why I am not veering towards this ... Yet ... I am torn ... I am in the midst of what looks like a very messy D ... I don't want to jeapordise his job as of yet ... Also, he is not far from his retirement age. With this D, he is already capable of losing a good part of his financial security ... I shouldn't give a damn, I know ... But I am always reminding myself that he is still the father of my child ... And the son of the man (FIL) who has been an absolute gem to my child and I.

Not meaning to go off-topic here ... Will post updates on mine now.

Thanks, alte dame.


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## turnera

Overthemoon88 said:


> Pam is so very right ...
> 
> I remember my Grand Aunt's oft-repeated sayings : There will come a time in your life, when you meet up with old friends or acquaintances, the question on their lips is NOT "how much do you have in the bank now?" or "how much are you earning?" ... But "how many children or grandchildren do you have?". And THAT is the true measure of wealth.



What if you could only have one kid?


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## disconnected

turnera said:


> What if you could only have one kid?


If someone could only have one child, then that child would be the precious combined equivalent of - for example - the four children that I have.

I have a close friend who is now in her 70s. She and her husband had eight children, who have gone on to have several children each, who have gone on to eventually give my friend many great grand children. Each one of those children, grandchildren and great grandchildren are all very precious, but my friend's affections are spread widely and thinly across all these generations.

My four children are extremely precious to me. My one grandchild is the absolute love of my life, and all this focus will soon be shared with his brother or sister to be born in April ... and of course with any other grandchildren that will come along in the future.

If I had one child only, then ALL my capacity to love would be focussed on that child and any grandchildren that arrive.

I went to primary school with an only child from the next suburb. I met up with her when she and I were 40. She had four children - same as me.

I also went to school with the children of an only child ... that "only child" mother eventually had 13 children.

My neighbour had seven children ... her eldest daughter had helped so much with the younger children that she decided she would not have any children herself.

IMO the number of children is irrelevant in a way ... it is the love and time that we give them that is important ... whether it is concentrated into one or two children, or spread more thinly around a higher number.


----------



## turnera

Ok, I feel better, lol. Thanks.


----------



## disconnected

turnera said:


> Ok, I feel better, lol. Thanks.


A young couple - late 30s - friends of my kids - tried for several years to have children. Eventually they saved enough for IVF. 

Before proceeding with IVF someone suggested that they try acupuncture. They thought "well, why not, we've tried everything else - let's give it a go before we go to our first IVF appointment".

Several weeks after the acupuncture they turned up for the IVF treatment. It is routine for a pregnancy test to be carried out before IVF is started. The young couple said that there's no way they could be pregnant ... boy were they surprised (and "over the moon") to find that they were having a baby - BEFORE I V F even began!!

Their beautiful healthy daughter arrived just before Christmas in 2011.

At the beginning of 2013 I heard that they had gone along to acupuncture once again, and were happily pregnant with their second child ... and were now 18 weeks into the pregnancy.

Unfortunately the baby was miscarried not long after. The couple were devastated of course. But after all they had been through, and because they were heading for their 40s, they decided 'enough is enough' about trying to get pregnant again ... 

They decided that their one and only precious daughter would be their sole focus, and therefore would not be going through any more heartbreak with the uncertainty of having more children.

They are a wonderful young (40-ish) couple who are getting on with their lives, in a state of total "besotted-ment" with their gorgeous nearly 2 year old.

I can't wait to catch up with them when I get back home.


----------



## disconnected

"Action Stations" turned out to be a fizzer, even though it had the potential to go "BOOM"!!

I reckon WH has lied his way through.

Well, another good reason to feel good about returning to Australia.

I don't think I will ever know how he got away with it.

The old saying "cheats never prosper" hasn't happened in WH's case. I wish it would though!


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## PamJ

<<The old saying "cheats never prosper" hasn't happened in WH's case. I wish it would though!>>

Well, it may take a long time, or it may happen in a way you just don't see. 'Prosper' can mean many things, not just $$ or visual success.

We have some wealthy clients who seem to have everything, but not all of them are happy. Most of the senior partners are on their second wives, one family was dealing with alcoholism,depression including their son and divorce. The father was sometimes derided at the firm for being a 'family man' who was railing against the travel and long hours necessary. The most senior partner's 2nd wife, a lovely lady, cannot go to a function without becoming so intoxicated she has trouble walking afterwards. Who knows what goes on at home. At one time her H was jealous of her gay friend and they had an argument in front of our employee about it.
Not everything is always as it appears. Your H will find out soon enough.


----------



## disconnected

I'm at the airport with my son, waiting to board our flight to Australia in a few hours.

I feel very sad at leaving Asia, but looking forward to being with my family again.

WH definitely only wants our separation to go ahead. Unbeknown to him, I feel the same way. His behaviour has been beyond disgraceful. 

Looking forward to life without him.


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## 86857

disconnected said:


> I'm at the airport with my son, waiting to board our flight to Australia in a few hours.
> 
> I feel very sad at leaving Asia, but looking forward to being with my family again.
> 
> WH definitely only wants our separation to go ahead. Unbeknown to him, I feel the same way. His behaviour has been beyond disgraceful.
> 
> Looking forward to life without him.


Welcome back DE because by the time you read this you should be back in Oz which is where I live too! 

You will be experiencing many and mixed emotions and you are also leaving Asia which you are clearly fond of. We humans are not terribly well equipped for change. Imagine that you are a little sail boat heading off on a voyage. Some days will be sunny with a soft gentle breeze and others will bring storm clouds buffeting you about. But each day will bring you closer to the morning you wake up to see land in sight in the distance. Dunno what brought out the poetic side of me. 

It seems it isn't an easy path for any of us BS whether we stay or leave. I for one, feel very glad that at this stage my WH no longer has control over whether I am going to have a good day or a bad one. I'm still with him but it's neither R nor D, treading water. 

Your situation reminded me of a famous Australian and his situation. I couldn't help but seek out an article for you to read on your return. I think you will have a little chuckle.

The wives of Rupert Murdoch | Independent Australia

You're doing just fine.:smthumbup:


----------



## disconnected

********** said:


> Welcome back DE because by the time you read this you should be back in Oz which is where I live too!
> 
> You will be experiencing many and mixed emotions and you are also leaving Asia which you are clearly fond of. We humans are not terribly well equipped for change. Imagine that you are a little sail boat heading off on a voyage. Some days will be sunny with a soft gentle breeze and others will bring storm clouds buffeting you about. But each day will bring you closer to the morning you wake up to see land in sight in the distance. Dunno what brought out the poetic side of me.
> 
> It seems it isn't an easy path for any of us BS whether we stay or leave. I for one, feel very glad that at this stage my WH no longer has control over whether I am going to have a good day or a bad one. I'm still with him but it's neither R nor D, treading water.
> 
> Your situation reminded me of a famous Australian and his situation. I couldn't help but seek out an article for you to read on your return. I think you will have a little chuckle.
> 
> The wives of Rupert Murdoch | Independent Australia
> 
> You're doing just fine.:smthumbup:




Hi ********** ... I "more than" liked the article ... I absolutely LOVED it!!

The age difference between WH and OW is the same as Rupert and Deng Wen Ge. Not sure what the outcome will be between WH and OW. And now that I am back home, I don't really care.

It is good to be back home ... currently staying with my sister, BIL, two cats and two dogs. 

Cats and dogs were at home when I arrived. Girl cat greeted me, and it was so good to pat and stroke her, and tell her all about my reasons for coming home.  She listened patiently.

Boy cat sat on the outdoor chair, wondering who I might be. He has always been timid, but seemed to remember me from my last visit June/July. 

Then went inside and 'chatted' with the dogs.

I am now wondering why I ever left!!

By the way, it was good to see my sister and BIL ... but the greetings from cats and dogs were so reassuring.

This weekend my sister and I are going down country to visit a recently bereaved Aunt. Next week I am off to see my grandson.

Tomorrow I am going to see three of my sister's grandchildren (who live nearby). I am their "co-share Nana" aka Nana Auntie "Disconnected". 

Apologies in advance to anyone who may think the above sounds juvenile. It has been an incredibly difficult time being so isolated in Asia - it has been very lonely, purposely on the part of WH. Well, he now has what he wanted ... ie me gone (so that he can carry on with OW). He's got his wish!!


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## disconnected

Another couple with the same age difference as WH and OW is Woody Allen and Soon Yi. A 37 year age difference is almost two generations. (One of my friends was a young grandmother at 35 ... so it is not inconceivable that WH could be OW's (very young) grandfather).

WH is 64. One of my Asian (female) friends is a very elegant, sophisticated, beautiful and very young looking 50 years old. Now if WH and my friend were having an affair, then I would consider it to be 'no contest' as far as I am concerned. I would not be able to compete with someone like my friend. Their age difference would only be 14 years. By the way, my friend would never consider taking up with WH.

But the 37 years between WH and OW is just gross. (I truly mean no offence to the genuine couples who have such an age difference). My main concern about the age difference between WH and OW is the effect this so called "friendship" is having on my adult children. I just hate what this 'friendship' has done to their relationship with their Dad. All four are trying to stay on the fence and not take sides, but I know for certain that they are all hurt by this. And - unexpectedly - they have all become a little closer to me.


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## turnera

What a wonderful update! I'm so happy for you, that you chose YOUR life over just a life near this man. You're too good for that.


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## alte Dame

I think your children will eventually learn the lesson that all right-thinking, reasonable adult children learn when a parent makes an a*s of him/herself. At first, the impulse is to be fair and mature and to essentially mind your own business. Later, the feeling is very definitely that you should have told the parent where to get off.

My father married a nutcase in his grief after my mother died. This was the first woman who paid attention to him and he was desperate. We all respected his right to choose, blah, blah. The new wife was a nightmare, though, and in retrospect I have always said that I should have been honest with my father at the time about my feelings. Why not be honest? The impulse to assuage as a sign of maturity is misplaced, in my opinion.


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## disconnected

Is this my new life? If so, then the future is looking good ...

On Thursday my sister and I went to visit the Japanese partner of my 'second' nephew. After an hour my sister had to leave for work. Not planned - but I ended up babysitting my 14 month old grandnephew while his Mum went to the pool for a workout, after which she went grocery shopping.

I remember how much I would appreciate a little time to myself to get chores done during the days I had little ones. It was always so much easier and faster doing shopping etc by myself. It also recharged the batteries, and broke the mundane routine. I was also very pleased to get back to my little ones again. 

Oh, my 'niece' really appreciated the chance to have a little time to herself. She is four months pregnant so the pool workout was really good for her. And being able to just zip around the supermarket by herself with no pressure was so much more relaxing.

She was so grateful ... but really, the gratefulness was all mine. The baby slept most of the time so it was very relaxing for me.

I am 'booked' in for a similar session next Tuesday.

On Friday I went to visit the Argentinian partner of my 'third' nephew. She needed to go and sit for her new driver's licence, which meant that my nephew would need to take time out from work to look after the nearly 3 year old and the 14 month old. 

Instead, I stayed to look after the children. My nephew was pleased to be able to stay at work, and my 'niece' was able to do last minute study while the 14 month old slept - at the same time I took the 3 year old for an outing to the shops. 

The walk to and from the shops took ages, but it was very educational for the boy, and a walk back in time for me on how toddlers think. Our walk to the shops was very educational ... identifying colours of flowers, and identifying numbers on letterboxes.

On return home, my 'niece' went off to take the test while I was left in charge of these two delightful children. We played jumping on the mattress, school (the 3 year old was the teacher while the toddler, bunny, toy dog, and I were the students ... he was supposed to be teaching us Mickey Mouse, but he wasn't too good at it as he kept skipping to the pages that he liked!!). It was hilarious.

The racing cars down the spirals game was a lot of fun. The 14 month old spent most of his time pretending to give me a toy, then toddling off in the other direction, giggling really hard while still holding onto the toy (from toy dinosaur to little car to extendable pointer). They both also had a lot of fun with my torch and magnifying glass. 

My 'niece' passed the driving licence test so took an extra half hour to celebrate with her Chilean friend (female...).

After she arrived home she prepared to go to the shops with the two children. So I just stayed on and went with them. We had a good chat along the way, while the 3 year old revisited all the letter boxes he had encountered earlier in the day...

My two nieces were so appreciative of the time they had to do chores quickly by themselves ... but I got so much more out of it. I should have been thanking them!

I hardly think about my ex ... out of sight = out of mind. The next time we will see each other is at our older son's wedding in February. 

A question for anyone who is reading this ... should I consider getting cosmetic work done on my face?

I would like to look good in the wedding photos. 

It would not be a way of getting back with my ex ... that will never happen after the stupidity he has put me through. Also, I know for certain he does not want to come back to me.

(I know that my three grand-nephews who I babysat this week would not care less ... to them I am "Nana Auntie Disconnected" ... and nor would my lovely little grandson care).

I think I have just answered my own question ...

Thanks for listening ...


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## turnera

Wow, that sounds like a WONDERFUL life...so jealous!

And they are all so very lucky to have you.


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## Busy Accountant

Hi Dis

Congrats on the joy you have found in your life. You have worked hard and earned it. I have admired how graciously you have conducted yourself throughout your struggles.

You say that you have answered your own question about cosmetic surgery, so perhaps this is late in coming...but...

I am a BS, 57 years and I thought about cosmetic surgery too. My H put me through a lot over the past decade of our marriage and then topped it off with EA's with 3 women. I was done with him and let him know we were divorcing. Well, he shocked me by turning his entire life around and we have been in a successful R for about 21 months now.

I was already considering it when I thought H and I were done, and H actually offered it to me once we were in R. I think he was trying to give me back the years he had taken from me, the years he berated me and made me feel bad about myself.

I haven't done it yet, I want to take more weight off my face before I do, but I intend to. Its something I am going to do, strictly for me....to reflect on the outside the renewal I feel on the inside. I think the good surgeons bring out the ageless beauty a woman has rather than making them look freakishly young....YUCK!

Aren't consultations free? May be fun! FWIW


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## alte Dame

It must be something about the age, but 'freshening' up when you're around our age is a common desire. I didn't go the major surgery route, but spent time with a cosmetic dermatologist who did some tweaking here and there and I'm very happy with the results. There were 'markers of my life' that I just wanted erased or smoothed out & now they are. I think I'm the only one who notices, but I love having the change. I also decided to go for broke with cosmetic dentistry. Glad I did that, too.


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## Overthemoon88

Wow, you sound like you have quite an International family there !!!!!

So, so happy for you !!!!

Hope some of them will find time to visit your WH in the care home one day  .....

Your timeline is so close to mine.

I am moving on ... I have retained my lawyers since July. Not much progress. STBXH is showing a side of him which no one believes he is capable of.

Do I give a damn ??? NO ... I have my son. I have my family. I have his family. I have our friends.

Ooops, time for me own updates ... Sorry 

Enjoy your life now. 

Only way to move forward.

(((HUGSSSS)

***thinking of you always even though I do not post often here ***


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## Overthemoon88

Hey !!! What are you doing still up at this time ???!!!!!!

Go and get some well-deserved beauty sleep 

(((hugssss)))


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## loopy lu

Sounds like you are doing great!

One thing though, though I doubt it matters to you now in all your fabulousness:

I will bet you a squillion Aussie dollars that OW doesn't know WH has had a vasectomy. Do you really think WH wants to go back to nappies and sleepless nights? But he won't give her up because he is a dirty cake eater and liar to boot. 

Perhaps if she found out, she might drop him like a sack of potatoes?

ETA: your WH is a silly old coot who is getting scammed. Enjoy the show


----------



## 86857

disconnected said:


> Is this my new life? If so, then the future is looking good ...


DC you sound great. what a family and hey you guys are like the United Nations. 
Isn't is lovely to be around loved ones who *love* you? With my WH I have been in an unloving space for a long time. It is a bleak place. Unfortunately my 2 sons (not WH's) live in Europe and I miss them terribly. I think of the loving space we had when they were growing up. I have a daughter who is still with me. WH has brought a dark energy to my once happy, healthy and loving home, with his mantle of deceit. 
My ex-husband (we get on very well) who knows the situation has bought my sons air tickets to come at Christmas to cheer me up. My 3 children know about WS's behaviour. I have never kept anything from them once they got to a certain age. When I read about your return it reminded me of the wonderful joy I will have at Christmas with my 3 children on the boys' return. I am SO happy that you are in your family's warm embrace again and they need you more than they ever did. 


> A question for anyone who is reading this ... should I consider getting cosmetic work done on my face?
> I would like to look good in the wedding photos.
> It would not be a way of getting back with my ex ... that will never happen after the stupidity he has put me through. Also, I know for certain he does not want to come back to me.


DC do whatever it is that pleases you. And I see you are doing it for you, not your ex. I see nothing wrong with it and never have. We use makeup, we colour our hair and I think it's no different. I myself have been having Botox for a few years, just around the eyes and it gets rid of the crow's feet. Costs about $500 every 3 or 4 months. I have often considered an eye lift and I may still have one. The eye work makes me look fresher and gets rid of the tired look. Go for it! It's time to pamper yourself now and do as you please. Take yourself off on a cruise or some kind of holiday after the little ones have arrived. Cruises are great because you meet lots of people. I don't mean you would go on one to meet a man by the way. Heavens no. Just a little adventure. 
The OW will start putting pressure on WS now she knows you are back in Australia. Just you wait. She will start talking about marriage and babies. Oh dear! She is interested in his wallet. End of story. Once she starts that it will lose the gloss for him. The gloss and excitement goes anyway in all relationships and he will come out of his fog with a thud heh heh! 
I may be wrong but that is my feeling. He has had a V so she can't have babies with him. Hmmmm! Almost every woman wants to have a baby. I predict you will be on the sidelines chortling at them soon. As someone says 'enjoy the show'
Glad you are enjoying life DC.
It's not easy to do what you have done especially after such a long marriage. 
Well done!


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## topjoss

I am sorry to hear about this sad (but so common in Asia) situation. So many foolish men (I am a man) duped by lissom young Asian girls (mostly Filipino). I live in Hong Kong and we see this situation repeated so often.

Why would the other woman go for this person so much older? In most cases it is purely to enhance their situation (money, passport, citizenship etc). 

Often it burns out when he finds out that he will be supporting the whole family (Auntie this, who needs a hip operation; Cousin that who needs to go to university etc).

If you really want him back, I hope this will be the situation for you.

topjoss


----------



## disconnected

loopy lu said:


> Sounds like you are doing great!
> 
> One thing though, though I doubt it matters to you now in all your fabulousness:
> 
> I will bet you a squillion Aussie dollars that OW doesn't know WH has had a vasectomy. Do you really think WH wants to go back to nappies and sleepless nights? But he won't give her up because he is a dirty cake eater and liar to boot.
> 
> Perhaps if she found out, she might drop him like a sack of potatoes?
> 
> ETA: your WH is a silly old coot who is getting scamm'ed. Enjoy the show


re vasectomy ...

back in February I pointed out to him that he had had a vasectomy in 1983.

(Surely he couldn't have forgotten anything as significant as that!!)

That same week I came across an email exchange between WH and OW where he explains "vasectomy" to her.

From her response I know that she understands the implications. 

But I recall seeing a further email where they discuss 'children' ie OW asks him ... "if the baby wakes in the night and I am tired, will you get up to the baby to take to the toilet, get a drink of water etc" 

WH responded to that 'condition' with ... "you know I will. You know that I always got up in the night to my children" (ie our four children who are now all in their 30s) 

(WH has/had lost the plot ...he implied that I lazily slept on while he got up ALL night EVERY night!! to care for our children)

In his dreams!! ... :scratchhead:

WH says some nutty things some times ...


----------



## disconnected

PamJ said:


> WSs blame the BS for their supposed unhappiness until they can no longer. Once you are gone he will have to realize that everything he has done is all on him now. And, once the house of cards he is building with the OW collapses, he will have no one.
> 
> You, on the other hand, will have your Plan A and be fully surrounded by the love of your family and be needed and wanted as Nana.
> 
> He will not have any of this.
> 
> Best of luck to you.


Hi Pam, and Hello to others following this thread

Plan A Australia is going well. So far I have had three days of contact with nieces and 'co-share' grandchildren (ie my sister's two daughters in law, and her three grandchildren who live nearby). It has been fun ... and I am booked in for more fun this week, firstly when I mind the 14 month old boy while the Japanese niece goes to the pool and shopping, and secondly when I hang out with the Argentinian niece and her two little ones.

(I will soon know if they get sick of me ... a sure sign will be when they chip in for an airfare to send me back to Asia!!) (ha ha) 

Also, my sister's widowed neighbour (and friend), who is 80 next birthday, has quite a few weeds invading her garden. Neighbour is fairly active, but mildly disinterested in her garden right now because of her active social life ... so I will go and spend an hour or two each day attacking the weeds (weather permitting). 

At nearly 80 (and being widowed for the past five years) she deserves to enjoy herself visiting friends. I will just take my radio with me and potter around for an hour or two here and there over the next few weeks. The garden will then be manageable for her by Christmas.

You just never know what's around the corner ... maybe if/when I am 80 someone will want to come and weed for me!! And if not, then too bad ... all the fun will be mine!


----------



## disconnected

********** said:


> DC you sound great. what a family and hey you guys are like the United Nations.
> Isn't is lovely to be around loved ones who *love* you? With my WH I have been in an unloving space for a long time. It is a bleak place. Unfortunately my 2 sons (not WH's) live in Europe and I miss them terribly. I think of the loving space we had when they were growing up. I have a daughter who is still with me. WH has brought a dark energy to my once happy, healthy and loving home, with his mantle of deceit.
> My ex-husband (we get on very well) who knows the situation has bought my sons air tickets to come at Christmas to cheer me up. My 3 children know about WS's behaviour. I have never kept anything from them once they got to a certain age. When I read about your return it reminded me of the wonderful joy I will have at Christmas with my 3 children on the boys' return. I am SO happy that you are in your family's warm embrace again and they need you more than they ever did.
> 
> DC do whatever it is that pleases you. And I see you are doing it for you, not your ex. I see nothing wrong with it and never have. We use makeup, we colour our hair and I think it's no different. I myself have been having Botox for a few years, just around the eyes and it gets rid of the crow's feet. Costs about $500 every 3 or 4 months. I have often considered an eye lift and I may still have one. The eye work makes me look fresher and gets rid of the tired look. Go for it! It's time to pamper yourself now and do as you please. Take yourself off on a cruise or some kind of holiday after the little ones have arrived. Cruises are great because you meet lots of people. I don't mean you would go on one to meet a man by the way. Heavens no. Just a little adventure.
> The OW will start putting pressure on WS now she knows you are back in Australia. Just you wait. She will start talking about marriage and babies. Oh dear! She is interested in his wallet. End of story. Once she starts that it will lose the gloss for him. The gloss and excitement goes anyway in all relationships and he will come out of his fog with a thud heh heh!
> I may be wrong but that is my feeling. He has had a V so she can't have babies with him. Hmmmm! Almost every woman wants to have a baby. I predict you will be on the sidelines chortling at them soon. As someone says 'enjoy the show'
> Glad you are enjoying life DC.
> It's not easy to do what you have done especially after such a long marriage.
> Well done!


Great to hear about the family reunion at Christmas that you are looking forward to. Christmas is all about families - and it is brilliant that all your children will be with you at that time.

Many thanks for your comments re cosmetic 'correction'. I have a free consultation with the nurse on Monday. Thanks for sharing your experience and what you might consider having done in the future. 

Re OW ... I think she is using WH for business advice/opportunities in Australia. As far as I know, WH and OW will be travelling together through Australia and possibly New Zealand during January and February. WH is aware that OW does not love him, but that does not stop him from declaring his true and undying love for her, and also proposing marriage. (I managed to monitor their recent "electronic communications". (Very funny, very juvenile, AND unbeknown to them that I have been able to access!))

Now that I am back in Australia I no longer need to monitor their idiotic 'thoughts, words, and actions'. I'm far too busy with family these days.


----------



## 86857

disconnected said:


> I came across an email exchange between WH and OW where he explains "vasectomy" to her. From her response I know that she understands the implications. But I recall seeing a further email where they discuss 'children' ie OW asks him ... "if the baby wakes in the night and I am tired, will you get up to the baby to take to the toilet, get a drink of water etc" WH responded to that 'condition' with ... "you know I will. You know that I always got up in the night to my children" (ie our four children who are now all in their 30s)


Ahem. So who's going to be the father? Shucks, and 64-year-old WH is going to joyfully leap out of bed nightly to see to said baby. :rofl::rofl::rofl:
Maybe poor WH has lost his marbles. 
And I'm not sure if she ever had any to begin with.:rofl:



> Re OW ... I think she is using WH for business advice/opportunities in Australia. WH is aware that OW does not love him, but that does not stop him from declaring his true and undying love for her, and also proposing marriage. (I managed to monitor their recent "electronic communications". (Very funny, very juvenile, AND unbeknown to them that I have been able to access!) Now that I am back in Australia I no longer need to monitor their idiotic 'thoughts, words, and actions'. I'm far too busy with family these days.


Dang DC, I wanted you to keep monitoring because I want to see the next instalment in this circus. But I can see that you have far more important matters to attend to.


----------



## disconnected

********** said:


> Dang DC, I wanted you to keep monitoring because I want to see the next instalment in this circus.


Hah, me too. (I am not as "pure" as I sometimes pretend to be ...).

I would LOVE to be able to get back in to his computer to see what they are up to, but not possible with me in Aus and WH and his laptop in Asia.

Also, I have read ENOUGH ... 

But just to add that the secretive comments I LOVE the most are when WH assures OW "and you and I are the only ones who will ever know this..."

I LOVE it ... when WH writes that I just can't help laughing ...


----------



## disconnected

Things are going really well. Still staying with my sister and BIL.

"Action Stations" might not have fizzled out after all ... Head Office now asking questions...


----------



## alte Dame

Oh, good! The karma bus perhaps? Maybe just a little?


----------



## disconnected

alte Dame said:


> Oh, good! The karma bus perhaps? Maybe just a little?


I hope so. He has betrayed me, and the kids. But he has also betrayed the organisation and the trust placed in him...

Personally, I don't think that OW is worth what WH is going to lose ... or might lose. WH is such an accomplished liar these days that he could still get away with it.

We shall see ... 

Overall, it is a very sad situation all round.


----------



## disconnected

disconnected said:


> Things are going really well. Still staying with my sister and BIL.
> 
> "Action Stations" might not have fizzled out after all ... Head Office now asking questions...


I've just returned to my sister and BIL's place after spending four days with my daughter, SIL, and grandson. It is great being "Nana".

Still waiting to hear the outcome of 'action stations'. Head office approached me 2 weeks ago, asking several questions as to why I left Asia. Following that WH was going to be asked his version of the 'friendship'. 

WH is wanting to press ahead quickly with formal separation, especially on the financial aspects. He wants our second son to be the go-between. I've relayed a strong message back that WH talks to me directly re separation and finances, or else it will get expensive dealing through lawyers. His choice!!

Reason for WH dealing with me directly is that he is influencing and manipulating our kids with his distorted version of the friendship. He has gotten away with too much regarding his version of events. He still insists to the kids that he and OW are only friends. (His emails that I managed to intercept at various times suggest something much more than friendship).


----------



## disconnected

Head Office asked me to provide further details regarding the "friendship" between WH and OW.

I am working on this over the weekend. I won't be holding back!


----------



## bfree

*Re: Re: I never saw this coming*



disconnected said:


> Head Office asked me to provide further details regarding the "friendship" between WH and OW.
> 
> I am working on this over the weekend. I won't be holding back!


Good!


----------



## turnera

Good!


----------



## disconnected

Still in waiting mode for 'action stations' to begin. Shouldn't be long now.

WH is applying a little pressure re separation and property/financial agreement. I've ignored his three emails so far ... but I know I will have to face up to this soon.

His actions over the past year have split the family apart ... which brings me to this :

I am grappling with whether or not to somehow let OW's parents know about their daughter's 'close friendship' with a married man ... ie WH. I have a way of distancing myself from the 'exposure' and am wondering whether or not to let things happen. 

But there is also the possibility that OW's parents will be very proud of their daughter's exploits in 'bagging' a 'foreigner'. 

As time goes on it is becoming so much easier in accepting the situation. I no longer want to be married to him - which is fine by him because he only wants to be with OW.


----------



## turnera

I believe in knowledge.


----------



## disconnected

turnera said:


> I believe in knowledge.


Hi. I share your belief!

After a year of being on the receiving end of WH and OW 'calling the shots', I now feel that things are turning. 

2013 has turned out to be dreadful year for my marriage, which is why I am counting down the days until 2014.

I heard via family members that Head Office is still deciding whether or not WH will keep his job. The longer the decision-making goes on the less likely they will keep him on. 

I am hopeful that 2014 will be a great year for me ... and that WH and OW will deservedly meet the karma bus head on!


----------



## Nucking Futs

disconnected said:


> Hi. I share your belief!
> 
> After a year of being on the receiving end of WH and OW 'calling the shots', I now feel that things are turning.
> 
> 2013 has turned out to be dreadful year for my marriage, which is why I am counting down the days until 2014.
> 
> I heard via family members that Head Office is still deciding whether or not WH will keep his job. The longer the decision-making goes on the less likely they will keep him on.
> 
> I am hopeful that 2014 will be a great year for me ... *and that WH and OW will deservedly meet the karma bus head on!*


Maybe you could give the bus driver directions...


----------



## Iver

So glad to see you taking charge of this situation!

I know that having a family member available to help with childcare is a godsend to young parents - you are going to be worth your weight in gold to them.

I do suggest you have your son - the one getting married - make it very clear to your STBXH that the OW is not welcome at the wedding - as in she'll be carried out if she shows up.

There's no fool like an old fool they say...


----------



## disconnected

Just heard that WH has lost his job. 
No further details available right now.

"Here comes the karma bus ... brace brace brace ... oh dear, too late ... BOOM!!"


----------



## SaltInWound

:lol::rofl::smthumbup::smnotworthy::yay::woohoo:

Oh, and to him........:moon::loser::tool:


----------



## Nucking Futs

disconnected said:


> Just heard that WH has lost his job.
> No further details available right now.
> 
> "Here comes the karma bus ... brace brace brace ... oh dear, too late ... BOOM!!"


Maybe you should apply for it.


----------



## disconnected

Nucking Futs said:


> Maybe you should apply for it.


Good idea/nice thought, but not practical unfortunately ... the position is very technical and I don't have the qualifications or experience.

WH has let several people down through losing his job because of his close friendship with OW. But his behaviour could not be tolerated apparently.

The job was a great opportunity for him but he has blown it.


----------



## Nucking Futs

disconnected said:


> Good idea/nice thought, but not practical unfortunately ... the position is very technical and I don't have the qualifications or experience.
> 
> WH has let several people down through losing his job because of his close friendship with OW. But his behaviour could not be tolerated apparently.
> 
> The job was a great opportunity for him but he has blown it.


So now the question becomes, what good is he to her without an income? Is he going to be burning through your savings to support her family now, or will she just dump him to chase a new sugar daddy? And if she does dump him, how long before he's knocking on your door?


----------



## Stronger-now

Lady,

You are an inspiration. You have handled this gracefully. I don't think I would ever be as compassion, as graceful as you are. You even feel compassion toward OW and her parents. 

I also live in Asia, and I have seen this too many times. Now that your STBXH has lost his job, he will see the true nature of his much younger girlfriend. They don't have anything in common, they don't have shared values to hold them together. I actually feel sorry for him. Not only he has lost his best friend (you), his partner who was ready to spend the rest of your life together, he now has lost his job...and soon, reality will come crashing down on him. Now, he is just an old guy to her. Oh well, maybe she hangs around for residence permit to Australia (if that's her goal), but as soon as she gets it, your husband will end up in a nursing home, alone...regretting his decision. 

Meanwhile, you continue to prosper and live a love-filled life with your family and loved ones. Good luck and kudos to your strength. If I have half of yours, I know I'll be okay no matter what life throws at me.


----------



## hopefulgirl

HE LOST HIS JOB BECAUSE OF HIS AFFAIR!!

Sometimes it feels like it takes too long for the karma bus to come around. 

But not this time....

Who's the one who didn't see it coming now??


----------



## disconnected

Thanks for responding - and 'liking' - I truly appreciate all the comments and support. TAM/CWI has been my lifeline, especially when I was so alone in Asia.

Today is 42 years since we got married. I thought I would be devastated, but funnily enough I'm not. So that's a good outcome. Also, I am house-sitting and cat-minding for my son and his fiancée for a week, which is a lot of fun because the cat is a little crazy and half wild!!

Also, I can barely believe what is happening now ... I just heard through the grapevine that WH is desolate at losing his job.

OW will not be happy either.

:smthumbup:


----------



## hopefulgirl

I think there is a terrible alone and abandoned feeling that one gets when one discovers infidelity, but being alone in Asia had to intensify that for you. So it's good to hear that in some small way we have been a source of comfort and support for you.

It's not very nice to smile at someone else's misfortune, but when the karma bus smacked your STBXH, I think it was hard not to react by feeling that justice had been served.

So glad to hear that you weren't devastated by the anniversary. Sounds like kitty is keeping you entertained! It's so nice to think of you close to family and more at peace - and it's nice of the universe to be doing its part to keep the scales of karmic justice in balance.


----------



## PamJ

<<So now the question becomes, what good is he to her without an income? Is he going to be burning through your savings to support her family now, or will she just dump him to chase a new sugar daddy? And if she does dump him, how long before he's knocking on your door?>>

Not just the income, but the business connections is what she seems to have wanted, and those will all be tainted now when they know he was fired and you left him. it speaks volumes about his character. Who would want to hire someone his age with that baggage. He now sleeps in the bed he has made.


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

disconnected said:


> Thanks for responding - and 'liking' - I truly appreciate all the comments and support. TAM/CWI has been my lifeline, especially when I was so alone in Asia.
> 
> Today is 42 years since we got married. I thought I would be devastated, but funnily enough I'm not. So that's a good outcome. Also, I am house-sitting and cat-minding for my son and his fiancée for a week, which is a lot of fun because the cat is a little crazy and half wild!!
> 
> Also, I can barely believe what is happening now ... I just heard through the grapevine that WH is desolate at losing his job.
> 
> OW will not be happy either.
> 
> :smthumbup:


Oh dear, looks like his KISA is about to fall apart on him, and when that happens and it will. What do think the OW will do?

BTW, just wanted to say this, your words and demeanour through all of this has impressed me greatly.

Disconnected! You? Not anymore....... Your husband, about to be.....


----------



## disconnected

PamJ said:


> <<So now the question becomes, what good is he to her without an income? Is he going to be burning through your savings to support her family now, or will she just dump him to chase a new sugar daddy? And if she does dump him, how long before he's knocking on your door?>>
> 
> Not just the income, but the business connections is what she seems to have wanted, and those will all be tainted now when they know he was fired and you left him. it speaks volumes about his character. Who would want to hire someone his age with that baggage. He now sleeps in the bed he has made.


Hi Pam, it is good to hear from you.

WH's job was a 'one in a million' opportunity for him ... and we both knew it. Now he is unemployed and will most likely have to apply for welfare, or find a much lesser paying job - which will be very difficult at his age.

I alerted WH several times that he was risking his job, but he didn't listen to me. He thought he was 'above the rules'. He just wouldn't listen

It is unlikely that I will find out if WH and OW are together in Australia ... but really, it doesn't matter much now. The marriage is over - it can never be rebuilt.

Funny thing though ... when WH was desolate at losing his job and looking for sympathy from our oldest girl, she apparently said that the best thing he could do was buy a huge bunch of flowers and come looking for me!!

That was 3 days ago - and FORTUNATELY I haven't received anything via interflora nor seen him walking up the driveway (with flowers in hand).:lol:


----------



## disconnected

Christmas Day was fantastic!
I was at my sister and BIL's home. My sister's five grandchildren came for the day. Kids everywhere! It was so exciting!! 
Nana Auntie Disconnected was included in EVERYTHING ... I have bonded with all my sister's grandchildren ... they are great kids...


I skyped my nearly 3 year old grandson as he is in another part of Australia. My daughter and SIL were spending the day with SIL's family as they live in that region.

My eldest son and his fiancée came to my sister's house for the morning before they headed up north for their holiday with his future parents in law.

My eldest daughter and her fiancé had already travelled south for Christmas with her in-laws. We had a lively Skype session ...

My youngest son (32) started 24 hours duty at his fire station. I'm so proud of him!

and for WH?? he has lost his job. He remains in Asia, but only for a very short while ... he is inventorising our personal effects before packing for return to Australia. 

It looks like "incoming" has struck bullseye!!!

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

(On Christmas Eve he mentioned to my eldest son that he had lost everything ... his job, his marriage ... and I am left wondering whether OW is still on the scene? I hope she is ... they deserve each other).

Thank you TAM/CWI for getting me through 2013. I hope everything works out for those who are coping with infidelity. This time last year I would never have believed that I would have gotten through to the "acceptance" stage by Christmas 2013. Thank you again to all those who have provided me with such good advice, and for an excellent listening "ear".


----------



## Overthemoon88

Merry Christmas, Disconnected ... Am so happy to hear that you are surrounded by so much love ! >3

I have been on this board on and off lurking but have not yet posted any updates. At a stage of being a bit battle weary. The other day before me and son travelled for our hols, my therapist asked me something about the physical appearance of my STBXH and for a while, I was stumped .... I honestly don't remember much of what he looks like anymore ! I don't know if that is good or bad ...

Anyway, like you, I am so thankful of the people here on CWI who 'held our hands' and cyber-wise 'wiped away our tears' during those early very painful stage ...

You have a fab New Year ahead, Disconnected ... We have been dragged down to our lowest ebb ... It can only be an upward spiral from now onwards ... Cheers and lots of hugs !!!


----------



## disconnected

Overthemoon88 said:


> Merry Christmas, Disconnected ... Am so happy to hear that you are surrounded by so much love ! >3
> 
> I have been on this board on and off lurking but have not yet posted any updates. At a stage of being a bit battle weary. The other day before me and son travelled for our hols, my therapist asked me something about the physical appearance of my STBXH and for a while, I was stumped .... I honestly don't remember much of what he looks like anymore ! I don't know if that is good or bad ...
> 
> Anyway, like you, I am so thankful of the people here on CWI who 'held our hands' and cyber-wise 'wiped away our tears' during those early very painful stage ...
> 
> You have a fab New Year ahead, Disconnected ... We have been dragged down to our lowest ebb ... It can only be an upward spiral from now onwards ... Cheers and lots of hugs !!!


Hi OTM ... really good to hear from you ...

I am just heading out the door to go house-sitting (in reality, cat-sitting) for oldest son and fiancée ... will be back online later tonight.

Wishing and hoping that all is well with you, your son, and of course "doggie".

Just to say that when I first saw "doggie" on your thread it really lifted my spirits. I saw 'doggie' as a turning point ... it was a beacon for me that there was hope for my future ... 

gotta go ...


----------



## disconnected

PamJ said:


> <<So now the question becomes, what good is he to her without an income? Is he going to be burning through your savings to support her family now, or will she just dump him to chase a new sugar daddy? And if she does dump him, how long before he's knocking on your door?>>
> 
> Not just the income, but the business connections is what she seems to have wanted, and those will all be tainted now when they know he was fired and you left him. it speaks volumes about his character. Who would want to hire someone his age with that baggage. He now sleeps in the bed he has made.


Hello Pam

this is a very brief update before I post more details ... OW dumped him, and WH is living in a tent ... :smthumbup:

there's more details of course which I am about to post separately

cheers


----------



## disconnected

Well I certainly never saw this coming!!

On Xmas Eve WH was sent back to Asia to pack our personal effects. He was told not to have any contact with other company employees.

He was away for over a month, but has now returned to Australia. He is currently living in a tent on our lifestyle block while he waits for accommodation to become vacant, which he will then move in to.

The details are sketchy, and might not be accurate, but it appears that OW headed back to the village as he was about to depart for Australia. Apparently he was devastated.

He is now looking for work. 

I haven't seen him since late October. It is possible that I might see him next week - I can't see any problem with that because I now have a life that doesn't include him.

It will be very easy for me to be cordial and friendly when we see each other at elder son's wedding in a couple of weeks.

I have been on the move since Christmas ... housesitting/cat-dog minding/visiting other relatives etc. I am now back staying with my sister and bil, until the wedding. I will be looking after my son and dil's cat while they are on honeymoon, before 
heading south to live with my daughter, sil, and grandson for 6 months, waiting for our granddaughter to be born some time in April. That will give me a few months' breathing space before I embark on my next career move!!

I will move back to live near my sister and bil, and will apply to be a bus driver!! Can't wait ... 

I checked out the transport organisation re age requirements, and I was told that my age - 65 - is not an issue ... and that I will be given full training. Provided I get through the interviews and training, I envisage working for at least 5 years.

What a great way to end my working life ... 

Thank you TAM/CWI people for listening to all this. I can't believe how all this has turned out so far ...


----------



## hopefulgirl

In a tent. Oh my. So one has to wonder if he has realized what an idiot he has been. If he's still in the fog, maybe he hasn't. But you'd think being reduced to THAT might help to snap him out of it....

Wishing you all the best in your new life. And I know you will hold your head high when you see him!!


----------



## bfree

God bless dis, may your life from here on be everything you could possibly wish it to be. I won't comment on your stbxh but know that I did have a bit of a chuckle when you said he was living in a tent.


----------



## alte Dame

Well... I am in awe of you, disconnected! Literally in awe.

When I read that your WH is living in a tent and that you are planning to drive a bus, I laughed out loud. What a perfect way to make sure that the karma bus leaves some final tire tracks on his cheating back. LOL. Seriously. I'm so glad you're doing so well. Right will out in the end.


----------



## turnera

Expect him to start snooping around again soon.


----------



## hopefulgirl

alte Dame said:


> When I read that your WH is living in a tent and that you are planning to drive a bus, I laughed out loud. What a perfect way to make sure that the karma bus leaves some final tire tracks on his cheating back.


:iagree:


----------



## disconnected

turnera said:


> Expect him to start snooping around again soon.


ummm ... whereabouts?


----------



## Nucking Futs

disconnected said:


> ummm ... whereabouts?


Where ever you are. He cheated on you and treated you very badly but you didn't do anything like that to him, so now that his gold digger has dumped him he's going to start thinking about how nice it was with you and how bleak his future looks without you. He'll likely want to get back with you.


----------



## turnera

disconnected said:


> ummm ... whereabouts?


About you! The worse his situation gets, the more he'll think he should look you up and convince you to take him back.


----------



## disconnected

turnera said:


> About you! The worse his situation gets, the more he'll think he should look you up and convince you to take him back.


WH's situation continues to worsen. Last week he travelled to a remote area of the Pacific to take on a contract of several months. I am not sure what the job entailed, but it hasn't worked out. Youngest son is meeting him at the airport in a few hours as WH has walked away from the job - it didn't work out for some reason.

He is returning to 'unemployment' and living in a small unit on our property. I continue to live with my sister and BIL. It can't go on forever, but my S and BIL have been so very kind and welcoming - I've been here 6 months now

I'm working on background details in a separate post.

I have not posted on TAM/CWI recently, but I have still been actively reading others' posts. 

Back soon...


----------



## disconnected

The last few weeks have been busy and eventful.

In late Feb my son and daughter in law married ... she looked stunningly beautiful and my son looked very handsome (according to his proud mother - ME!).

I sat next to WH at the chapel and the reception. I kept everything as amicable as possible ... at the same time I had to remind him to turn off his cellphone - twice!!). My earlier recollection of OW is of her phoning or texting WH whenever he was with me, or other family members ... OW does her best to be as disruptive as possible during family times (meal times, outings etc) ... I couldn't take the risk of her phoning or texting during the ceremony, or during the speeches at the reception. 

WH became quite animated a couple of times when trying to discuss 'money' matters with me. (He has always managed our finances and he is not very happy right now that I am THE 'decisionmaker' as regards a pension fund I joined 30 years ago. (There is a God!!)

After the reception was over I hugged WH for around two minutes before we went our separate ways ... for me it was 'goodbye' - for him it was a huge joke, thinking that I wanted us to get back together. (WRONG!!)

In early March I moved south to stay with my daughter, SIL, and grandson, to await the birth of my granddaughter. BUT after three weeks, I returned to my sister's place. My daughter clearly supports WH, and had tried several times to start blazing arguments with me. Finally, I just had to leave.

I made sure not to argue with her as she was in the late stages of pregnancy. I drove three hours back to my sister's, and had to stop twice as it was very upsetting. I miss my grandson very much, especially taking him to the local playparks. He is a delightful little guy.

My daughter was scheduled to undergo an elective caesarean on 14 April. So without telling her and SIL, I went south the next day to see the new baby. I walked into her hosp room to be greeted with "what are you doing here?" I responded with "Where's the baby?"

It was quite funny ... the caesarean had been rescheduled for the Wednesday!! Haha - I got caught out that time.

So last Saturday I travelled south and back and met my beautiful little granddaughter, and spent a couple of hours with my lovely grandson. D and SIL on the other hand were very cool and distant. (I'm not worried too much ... they will come around eventually).

I think my family situation is quite sad at the moment, but time does heal things - I HOPE!! WH and OW are responsible for a lot of grief ... I am not sure if OW is still on the scene, and I am now not worried if she is. 

There has been so much 'division' amongst the kids, and I have felt very excluded from my immediate family. My sister and BIL said not to worry as they know everything re the situation, especially my version of events, which they will be sure to pass on to my kids at the right time.

In the meantime, I am concentrating on applying for the 'bus driver' position. My application went in today so hopefully it won't be too long till I hear something. 

Even though I haven't been writing much on TAM/CWI recently, I have still been visiting/reading up on others' situations/predicaments. Many/many sad posts, but some very hopeful ones as well.


----------



## barbados

disconnected said:


> My daughter clearly supports WH, and had tried several times to start blazing arguments with me. Finally, I just had to leave.
> 
> 
> There has been so much 'division' amongst the kids, and I have felt very excluded from my immediate family. My sister and BIL said not to worry as they know everything re the situation, especially my version of events, which they will be sure to pass on to my kids at the right time.


Why is your daughter siding with your WH ?

What is the source of the division amongst your kids ?

Are they not aware of what your WH is doing, and that there is an OW ?


----------



## disconnected

barbados said:


> Why is your daughter siding with your WH ?
> 
> What is the source of the division amongst your kids ?
> 
> Are they not aware of what your WH is doing, and that there is an OW ?


I don't know exactly why she 'sides' with WH. She had difficult late teenage years and because I was the 'main provider' at that time WH looked after the 'home front'. I think that because WH was more available as a parent at that time, there was a distance between me and her. She has always sought WH's approval and attention. 

WH has also been 'rubbishing' me to all the kids - and therefore because he has had such an 'awful' life with me he now deserves freedom and happiness. (IMO the whole thing is bizarre). Just to add that the son who recently married shows me more support, because OW targeted him in the first instance before turning her sights onto WH. 

I think WH is still insisting to the kids that he has not had a PA with OW and is therefore being 'hard done by' with the loss of his job. I don't know if OW is still on the scene, but WH appears to have gone 'underground' on this. 

Over the past few months they have all argued with each other about various things - usually not very important in the greater scheme... I think the marriage breakup has affected them - WH and I had always been seen as such a strong couple (which we actually were). We were seen as strong and secure, and all of a sudden we were broken apart by the intrusion of OW (with WH's blessing, of course). I think that the kids' sense of security has gone and they are adjusting to our marriage being over.


----------



## Chaparral

Have you sat down individually with your kids and told them the truth about the affair. It sounds like not and your husband has gotten away with who lies first wins.


----------



## Openminded

Adult children often react to divorce worse than much younger children do.

I was married 45 years before pulling the plug last year (after he cheated with the same woman he had cheated with 30 years previously). Everyone, including my 42 year old son, felt I should just stick it out to the end. No one I knew supported my decision to divorce but I did it anyway and I'm glad I did. I wanted peace in my life. I have it now. I hope you find it too.


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## turnera

Wait a minute. You never told your kids that he cheated on you? Why the hell not?!


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## disconnected

Hi chaparral and turnera

thanks for asking the questions

Between May and July last year I spoke to all the kids ... the older two individually, and the younger two together.

I said that WH was involved with OW - that I wasn't sure if it was a PA or EA. I told them that WH had strenuously denied a PA. I gave them limited details (so as not to destroy him in their eyes) and was looking to them for support so that their dad would see what was at risk because of his 'close friendship' with OW - ie the disintegration of our family unit.

WH is very persuasive and can strongly influence others towards his points of view. The only way he has been able to sway the kids is to 'rubbish' me. (For my part, I can't have been easy to live with in recent years because of intense study and stressful work situation ... but I never knew that my marriage was at risk - I REALLY/TRULY did not know).

My sister and BIL know 'everything' and eventually the truth will come out. In the meantime I just have to put up with this and focus on finding my own small place near the city and getting into the next bus driver intake.


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## turnera

Well, then I suggest you start practicing speaking up and standing up for yourself. ASK them what they think of you and set the record straight. Be proud of who you are and what you've accomplished, and that you are NOT a cheater. They need to SEE that in you, ok?


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## Chaparral

So he has them convinced you drove him into the arms of a very young oriental woman and you think they will just figure that out. As a matter of fact, it sounds like you are partially blaming yourself.

Its more than odd that a daughter would not want her mother there at the birth of her child. What are they saying he said?


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## disconnected

turnera said:


> Well, then I suggest you start practicing speaking up and standing up for yourself. ASK them what they think of you and set the record straight. Be proud of who you are and what you've accomplished, and that you are NOT a cheater. They need to SEE that in you, ok?


:iagree:

I will hold off from any confrontation with the kids for now - which is not usually my style. I'm more vocal than WH, who tends to manoeuvre behind the scenes.

I'm waiting to see how much further WH's situation descends ... because from what has occurred so far, things are not going well for him.

Over the years I have not won any/many 'discussions' or arguments with WH ... he is very clever and quite formidable to come up against. I generally just 'roll over' and accept his point of view because it usually makes sense.

Now - well I do not go along with what he says or wants. For example, WH wants me to start collecting from my private pension scheme - but because I am the 'decisionmaker' as far as the contributions go, I am still paying into it while I continue to be on leave from the organisation I work/worked for. When we reach a settlement/agreement, these funds will become matrimonial property and he will be entitled to half.

He would like me to take an initial lump sum followed by smaller weekly payments ... my inclination is not to take the lump sum and just receive the higher weekly payments. I think my choice is more sound than his.

I am starting to stand up to him - after all these years. It is scarey, but can be quite empowering sometimes. 

I appreciate your comments and advice.


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## disconnected

Chaparral said:


> So he has them convinced you drove him into the arms of a very young oriental woman and you think they will just figure that out. As a matter of fact, it sounds like you are partially blaming yourself.
> 
> Its more than odd that a daughter would not want her mother there at the birth of her child. What are they saying he said?


Thanks for the comments.

WH blames me for the disintegration of our marriage.:scratchhead:

If I had been 'everything I am not' ... or 'done everything he wanted' ... then things might have been ok/he might have been happy ... (REALLY??)

I see the problem as me being the one who was employed for 25 years by the organisation - at home and overseas. When the roles were reversed three years ago, and he managed to secure a very good contract in Asia ... well, it went to his head. He thought he was above 'the rules'.

When I finally left Asia 6 months ago WH thought he had the life he wanted ... the job (and the prestige that went with it) and the OW -- no nasty wife to disrupt his plans or bring him down to earth.

As soon as I departed Asia, the company asked questions; they came to the right conclusion and eventually cancelled his contract.

IMHO the company knew I could be trusted and therefore the alarm bells started ringing about his trustworthiness.

++++++++

Regarding my daughter ... she is an adult and needs to make her own decisions and live her own life. Hopefully she will come around at some stage. In the meantime I will travel south every two weeks to see my baby granddaughter and take my grandson to the park (on the local bus!!). 

++++++++

All up - nobody has died and as far as I know we are all in good health. Therefore, I count my blessings every day. Things could be an awful lot worse ...


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## turnera

Remember that, if you never stood up to him and he was that manipulative or controlling, it's quit common for the kids to grow up taking his side, sick as that sound. Read up about kids of abuse; it's scary. You may have to tell them to ****** off if they won't respect you, so they can finally LEARN to respect you.


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