# Just recieved D papers



## Feelingit (Dec 16, 2011)

Hi
Have been separated for 3 months now and been married for only a year, we have a young child together. During our marriage things were great i can say and then after our son was born things started to change, i became emotionally abusive towards her and she became distant. We still had good times together but both did not understand why we were arguing alot, anyway in september she asked me to leave which i did and have been going to see her and my son everyday as thats what she asked for, we are civil and can tell we still have the same feelings but when i try to talk about 'us' she shuts down and refuses to discuss anything at all about it. She filed for divorce and just recieved the papers yesterday, the reasons she put are very light and basically not a reason for divorce my lawyer told me. The first court date is on monday 19/12/11 which i think 6 days before christmas is very cold hearted as we meant to be civil!! she wants no alimony and just for us to get along for the baby. I still want her back and have apologised many times, shown her i have changed and just miss my family, its heartbreaking going there and having to leave everyday. I just do not understand that in only a year she gave up so fast without any thought of councelling, and refuses to talk about with me her friends and her family. Help!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

At this point there is nothing you can do except to work through the divorce and at the same time continue to do what you are doing in seeing your child.

To be honest, your leaving the family home was probably not a wise thing to do. She cannot force you out and staying there would have given you more of a chance to fix things.

You need to back off of the idea that having a court date a few days before xmas is being cold. She is just doing what she needs to do for a divorce. The court is the entity that sets the court dates, not your wife.

What is the reason that she put for the divorce that is so light hearted? Do you live in the USA? Where you live has a lot to do with interpreting this. 

Again about the alimony, if you live in the USA... she cannot get alimoney for only being married one year. Alimoney is awarded in long term marriages where one spouse does not have the work experience to support themself.

She will get child support. That's a given. Are you planning to ask for joint custody and 50/50 time with your child? How old is your child now?


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## Feelingit (Dec 16, 2011)

Thanks for the reply, i live in Europe and she is allowed alimony and child support but does not want it, just wants me to help with buying things for the baby only. Its hard to get over her by seeing her everyday and we do get along very well. Even my family still has dinner with her parents and they remain good friends but since these papers have come it has started to cause a wedge, she really could of told the lawyer to wait until after christmas as we all meant to be having a christmas get together but its sounds fake with the divorce hanging over our heads. She is acting normal and staying very composed and told me the lawyer will make things up on the d papers as they do, they basicaly said lies that i was going out not saying where i was?? did not happen, and how our religions are different when we both are not religious and then a lack of communication, that was basically the divorce papers. I am starting to get bitter as do not want it to end and know we can work it out, i am contesting the divorce as she does have a way to get what she wants and if the divorce is quick i fear afterwards i will not see my son(9 months old) everyday like i do and have this very civil and easy separation as she paints it. Seems all wrong.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

At this point I'd think that protecting your relationship with your child would be your most important goal. YOu have only a few days to prepare for a court date. Do you have an attorney?

My suggestion would be for you to get an attorney and have that attorney push for you to get a visitation schedule with your child. do you live with your parents? I'm sure they want a strong relationship with their grand child as well.

I will bet that before this is all over her attorney will be asking for her to get any and all support, alimony & child support, that he can get for you. I've seen this sort of thing over and over. So you need to make sure you are protected.

It's very concerning that she made claims that are not true. This gives you a clue as to where this is going. Be sure to have a record of any money you do give her for herself or the baby. Always use a check, not cash. That way she cannot go back to court to claim that you are not giving support.

So in your country, after only a year of marriage a woman can get alimoney? How long is this for?


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## Feelingit (Dec 16, 2011)

Not sure, and yes have a lawyer. Truthfully i want her back and i am doing everything and concentrating on my son but that includes my family and bringing us back together. To give up in less than a year is wrong and think divorce should only happen after you both tried you heart out to make it work especially if you have children. The alimony and child support afor her are not important as she knows i will take care of our son, but i will cover myself incase she changes her mind. I know councelling would help, her father left when she was 2 years old and does not talk about that either, she does not open up and the brink wall she has infront of her now is not coming down anytime soon. Its strange how she can be so ok with everything, she said 2 months ago she does not love me then said she does love me a month ago but it cannot work out, in the rare times i get her to talk. I feel if we both tried then i would step back and let the divorce happen, i know i cant gain much by dragging it out but what divorce is good?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You can do what is necessary for the court but still pursue fixing your marriage and family.

I wonder if you can get your attorney to do things to stall the divorce.. to buy you time. 

Have you asked her what you need to do to gain her trust again?


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## Feelingit (Dec 16, 2011)

Yeah my lawyer can drag it out for a year with ease, she says but am sure she can. When i ask her to forgive me or show her change she just says its too late i should not of treated her that way in our marriage and thats it. When i go there she acts normal with me, we text about the baby but lately its been tense with the papers coming and her moving on so fast, they are slipping away and i know we can make it work. Even our families ask was it just arguing? but it was i know thats not good obviously but there was no cheating, drugs, drinking, hitting nothing like that. She also does this to friends that if they cross her she will block them out for months, this is why when and if she forgives me i do not want it to be too late.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What was the worse thing that happened between the two of you? What was the abuse? The language used?


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## Feelingit (Dec 16, 2011)

Yes, the language used and if i was stressed about money or anything i handled it in the wrong way by starting silly arguments which i see now how wrong that was. Also the attention i had left once the baby came and did not feel like husband and wife for a while but think these are things which could have been discussed and not pushed under the carpet, it was one argument too many in the end and she blew up! from that day its just been this separation. She still remebers every argument we had and its fresh in her mind so i know she is still angry. I try being nice and acting like how we were when we were first together but nothing works, she made her mind up and is not giving anyone a chance to convince her otherwise.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

You could try writing her a letter apologizing for your actions, explaining them, showing that you've changed. If you were verbally abusive, it might have been more than she could handle even if it doesn't seem excessive to you. If you are not in counseling, go to counseling. If you are really interested in changing yourself so that you are a better person and a better partner for her or for someone else, then at least do that. Maybe if you demonstrate some real change, she will reconsider her feelings, maybe not. For many people, that is just not fixable. For others, it is. Nothing much you can do but accept the divorce because she is showing you that she doesn't want to be with you. Make sure you've been clear and honest in your communication with her, also. You could tell her that you care and that you want to work things out and that you have a suggested plan for how you might address her complaints against you. However, if she really doesn't want t be with you, even if you change, then you just have to accept that it happens sometimes.


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