# I hate myself and my husband watches porn



## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

I am 32 years old. I am about 5'3 and I weigh about 216 lbs. I HATE MYSELF! For about 5 years now I have been at this weight. I started gaining when I lost my job and have continued to gain and lose weight for the past 5 years. My husband and I grew up together and have been together since we were 17 and 18 years old. We got married when I was 19 and he was 20. When we had been married for 2 years he left me. We had a 14 month old baby. I was absolutely devastated. For 2 months I heard rumors that he had been having sex with a particular girl. I didn't believe it. I didn't believe he was capable of doing that to me. He eventually came home and for 10 years he denied the rumors. The issue was never really felt with. His excuse was that he was just stupid and he didn't know why he left me. Fast forward 10 YEARS. ...Last year my best friend married the guy my husband was hanging out with during the 2 months he was gone. She told me that her husband had told her the truth about my husband. That he DID have sex with that girl....multiple times. AND they were all doing cocaine and pills together! I had no clue he was on drugs!! So needless to say I went home that night and unleashed on the husband! I asked questions I wish I hadn't of asked because he answered every one of them and it was sickening! So here we are a year after the awful truth...and I feel like total crap about myself. I haven't felt like he finds me attractive anymore.When we talk about what he has done to me, he says that he loves me and he always has and always will. He says he doesn't know what he would do without me and that I am the only love of his life. I have a WAY higher sex drive than him and I am WAY kinkier than him. He doesn't go down on me, even after many talks about how I want that from him and how it makes me feel that he doesn't like to do it. He says its not that he doesnt like to do it, he just doesnt do it that much, meanwhile, (pardon my language) Im licking his *******! And thinking why am I doing this to him. He doesn't do this to me and I've asked for it many times...skinny and fat! The sex we have is not as often or near as spontaneous as I would like. He told me he would do cocaine with that girl and they would have sex. I feel like he wanted to F*** her so bad and I want him to want me that way. I feel like he gave her what I want from him. I can't get the images of what they did out of my head. This has been a very hard year. Wanting my husband so bad, but hating him at the same time. He has also had a very bad habit of lying to me about why he's out so late with his friends and omitting information because I didn't ask. He was doing this up until right before I found out the truth about everything last year SO, I have a very hard time trusting him and believing him. Now that you have the backstory, this is my issue right now. Because I dont believe him or trust him, one night, I decided to peek thru the peep hole on the front door while he was smoking to see if I could see if I could see what he was looking at on his iPod..ha! Sure enough, I could see it! And he was watching porn! So for a few weeks when he would go to smoke, I would peek. And every time he was watching porn. A few weeks ago I was in the bedroom getting ready for work at 7:00 am and I walked up the hall and saw him watching porn on his iPod in the livingroom!!!! He tried to close the window but he wasn't fast enough. I didn't say anything right then. But later during the day I sent him a text telling him that I saw him watching porn first thing that morning while I was in the next room half naked. I told him how it made me feel like he chose porn over me and how hurtful that was on top of everything else. He said he was sorry and he wouldn't do it again. Well, a week later, the same exact thing. Except I went off on him and went to work. So, now, I absolutely HATE the way I look! He says he's never had a problem with the way I look and that he thinks I'm beautiful and sexy. He doesn't tell me that unless I'm telling him I feel like he thinks I'm fat and ugly. I've told him that if he thinks I'm sexy I REALLY need to hear it when we make love. But he never says it then. Now Im finding myself fantasizing about cheating on him. I want him to be more into having sex with me. I've started losing weight and going to the tanning bed. I just really don't know what to do anymore. Any thoughts??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Peace2000 said:


> I told him how it made me feel like he chose porn over me and how hurtful that was on top of everything else. He said he was sorry and he wouldn't do it again. Well, a week later, the same exact thing. Except I went off on him and went to work. So, now, I absolutely HATE the way I look! He says he's never had a problem with the way I look and that he thinks I'm beautiful and sexy. He doesn't tell me that unless I'm telling him I feel like he thinks I'm fat and ugly. I've told him that if he thinks I'm sexy I REALLY need to hear it when we make love. But he never says it then.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There's a lot to sort out here, but I don't understand why you are focusing on porn when there are much larger issues on the table. It doesn't sound like he is choosing porn over you - from the sound of it, he is just looking at it. 

In any case, browbeating him and trying to force him to be attracted to you isn't going to make him attracted to you.

Honestly, it sounds like there has been so much damage done in the past that you might not ever be able to get over it with him. At a minimum, you two need marriage counseling, but you also may simply need more time to get over the recent revelations and decide if you really can trust this guy again or even want a future with him at all.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Get counseling. If you can't afford counseling.... figure out how to get past his indiscretion from 10 YEARS AGO while you were separated. It's on YOU to figure out how to either get over it or leave.

Nothing in your post sounds like a woman a man would desire. It all sounds nagging, harping, spying and whining. How sexy is that?

Keep working on yourself, because only you can make yourself feel better. Keep working out, learn to love yourself so that others can love you and you can appreciate that love. You can't do that when you don't like yourself.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Work on you. Start eating sensibly and start working out. You can start by just walking around the block the as you get comfortable with that start walking 2 blocks. And so forth. But most importantly don't let somone else define how you feel about yourself. You are important and you do matter. Learn to love yourself. You deserve better. Hope things work out for you.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply. I agree with everyone!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

SunnyT said:


> Get counseling. If you can't afford counseling.... figure out how to get past his indiscretion from 10 YEARS AGO while you were separated. It's on YOU to figure out how to either get over it or leave.
> 
> Nothing in your post sounds like a woman a man would desire. It all sounds nagging, harping, spying and whining. How sexy is that?
> 
> Keep working on yourself, because only you can make yourself feel better. Keep working out, learn to love yourself so that others can love you and you can appreciate that love. You can't do that when you don't like yourself.


The first part I feel is harsh. She only found out last year that ten years ago her husband was sleeping with someone else and doing drugs. The last ten years of her life have been a lie and she's married someone different to the person she thought she knew. I think she understandably feels how you have said. It must be really hard to get over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Your husband acted like a jerk....

He wanted the party life, and the party lifestyle, and decided to ignore your wedding vows and his child and go for it......

He found his little fvckbuddy, and pilled it up and coked it up, and was wild and crazy.....

And then that voice in his head started telling him "you really screwed up"...

And he decided to man up, and come home. He lied to you because he didn't have the guts to come clean, and thought it was easier to lie......

Now the chickens have come home to roost, and his little fling is totally screwing up your marriage....

I think you should go over to the coping with infidelity site, or the reconciliation site and read how others have felt, and what they went through....

There are lots of people over there with similar stories, and although this won't make you feel better, I want you to know that what you are feeling right now is completely normal....You are not screwed up...

You have to get to work on your relationship right now...I think I would print out your post and let your husband read it...

It is well written, and shows how you feel, without getting over emotional...

Some will tell you the porn has already gotten its grips on your husband and he is now a hopeless addict....

I think we both know that is just stupid....It hurts your feelings, you compare yourself to those women, and feel insecure....

My wife felt the same way when she weighed 102 lbs....

It is a non issue with your marriage. If you are going to keep your husband, get all the affair crap out of your system, and then let it drop....

Keep tabs on him...Let him know you are keeping tabs on him, but don't fight and argue about it every day.....

Now listen up, here comes the fixing part.....

Go on ebay or to a book store and get the book "The 5 love languages" It costs about ten bucks...it is simple, easy to understand and it works...

Get a sitter for the kids, and go to a motel, or just stay home alone, but get together in a quiet atmosphere....

Go over the book as a couple....It will teach you both how to fulfill the emotional needs of your partner.....

The theory is simple...It is easy to love someone who makes you feel good emotionally......You learn how to make him feel good, and he learns how to make you feel good....

My wife and I found it a big help after being married 46 years. I think it will help you and your husband.....

If he buys in to this, you will think Agent K flashed him with a neuralizer and told him...

"Make your wife the most important person in your life, treat her nice, have lots of good sex, love your kids, and have a happy life"

Well maybe it won't be that simple, but I think you will see a change for the better...

good luck
the woodchuck


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## ionaetp (Jul 14, 2013)

It all sounds nagging, harping, spying and whining. How sexy is that?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Your H really screwed up. He is not taking care of your needs. But that's on him, and can wait for a bit.

If you hate yourself, fix yourself. Once you love yourself enough, feel good about yourself, feel sexy, feel beautiful, THEN and only then will you have the emotional strength to deal with what he has done.

Start eating better. Start exercising. Do something new with your hair, new cut new color. Jump start the new you. Enroll in activities that ring you joy and happiness. Get the hell out of the house as often as possible!

Forget about the porn, it means nothing. Porn is passive, non interactive and women make it much more meaningful than it is. Your H watching porn simply means he wants the eroticism without having to brush his teeth! Men are visual creatures and get turned on watching sex. Women get turned on watching sex too, but it's different for women. I watch porn sometimes and it always turns me on, but I never imagine myself with that guy, it's just the eroticism and the feelings associated with being touched or touching in a certain way. Forget about the porn, it's meaningless.

I can imagine you don't trust your husband anymore and THAT is the real issue here. He let you down in a big way, he betrayed you and now you feel like he doesn't desire you the way he desired that OW or the women on porn. I doubt that is the truth. He probably does desire and love you, but holds back. You are mad at him and he probably, maybe holds back out of fear of being turned away or shut down.

In terms of equality of passionate love making, it sounds like your husband needs to have a specific invite to do what you want. But you, like every other woman, want a man who will become so lustful he can't contain himself and just ravish you. Obviously this can't be on the menu every time but if he knew exactly what you wanted, you might have a greater chance of getting it.

You need IC to work out your own hurt and trust issues before you can deal with him.

Work on your physical and mental health first, then work on the marriage.


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

ionaetp said:


> It all sounds nagging, harping, spying and whining. How sexy is that?


You didn't read her post did you? I empathize with her. Her husband seems like a moron. I hope she finds the strength to leave him.

Also, the wife gets the :smthumbup: for being into salad tossing.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Peace2000 said:


> I am 32 years old. I am about 5'3 and I weigh about 216 lbs. I HATE MYSELF! For about 5 years now I have been at this weight. I started gaining when I lost my job and have continued to gain and lose weight for the past 5 years. My husband and I grew up together and have been together since we were 17 and 18 years old. We got married when I was 19 and he was 20. When we had been married for 2 years he left me. We had a 14 month old baby.


You are going to have to drop some weight. Even if it's not for cosmetics, for your life. Someone who is quite a bit heavier than normal has a plus side of dropping alot quickly initially.

It takes 3 weeks to start a new habit. Your going to have to get your health in check, this includes dietery changes and some excersize.

Your excersize can be as simple as a 1hr walk every day.

Dietery changes would be dropping alcohol, sweets, and high carb sources. Cut down or eliminate salting your foods.

Don't eat because your hungry, feed your body what it needs. Feed your body what it's going to need at the lighter weight, you cannot continue to feed your 200 plus pound self if you don't want to be that heavy.

Your going to drop a lot of weight the first 3 weeks, probably 10-15 lbs if you take it serious. After this it will be 1 to 3 pounds a week.

You didn't gain the weight overnight, and you will not lose it over night. Give yourself 6 months, but keep some of the habits for life.

You will find that in 3 months you may have lost 40 to 50 lbs. You will feel great in comparison today, you may figure the battle is won, but you have to keep going. The next 3 months you may lose another 15-30 lbs, you will be at a good body size for your height.

Being cheated on hurts. I'm going to let some of the others talk to you about the relationship piece.



Peace2000 said:


> I was absolutely devastated. For 2 months I heard rumors that he had been having sex with a particular girl. I didn't believe it. I didn't believe he was capable of doing that to me.


10 years of affairs and lies and lies built ontop of the lies, deprioritization of you and whats important to you, cheating on his family. It's not good for your esteem, and the ego it builds into him is a corrupt one. It takes quite a bit of time to undo this.



Peace2000 said:


> He eventually came home and for 10 years he denied the rumors. The issue was never really felt with. His excuse was that he was just stupid and he didn't know why he left me. Fast forward 10 YEARS. ...Last year my best friend married the guy my husband was hanging out with during the 2 months he was gone. She told me that her husband had told her the truth about my husband. That he DID have sex with that girl....multiple times. AND they were all doing cocaine and pills together! I had no clue he was on drugs!!


Drugs and affairs go hand in hand together. Your husband had a long term secret life.



Peace2000 said:


> So needless to say I went home that night and unleashed on the husband! I asked questions I wish I hadn't of asked because he answered every one of them and it was sickening! So here we are a year after the awful truth...and I feel like total crap about myself. I haven't felt like he finds me attractive anymore.


Do whats going to make you feel better about yourself. A ten year betrayal, I just could not guestimate how I would act. I might want to kill someone after going through it in a previous situation, then I would look at my partner. With most people they are not going to be committed enough to restore a relationship, will not be willing to relinquish "power" and "control" they built up over their portion of the relationship from cheating on me, and I'd have to let it go. Knowing the odds are well against me.



Peace2000 said:


> When we talk about what he has done to me, he says that he loves me and he always has and always will. He says he doesn't know what he would do without me and that I am the only love of his life. I have a WAY higher sex drive than him and I am WAY kinkier than him.


Your sex drive was likely not taken care of, because he was cheating. He probably tells you what you need to hear. Loves that you are dependable and you love him.



Peace2000 said:


> He doesn't go down on me, even after many talks about how I want that from him and how it makes me feel that he doesn't like to do it. He says its not that he doesnt like to do it, he just doesnt do it that much, meanwhile, (pardon my language) Im licking his *******! And thinking why am I doing this to him. He doesn't do this to me and I've asked for it many times...skinny and fat! The sex we have is not as often or near as spontaneous as I would like.


He's desensitized himself to most realworld situations by combining an affair sex with cocaine... It's his little world. Someting "normal" could not compete.



Peace2000 said:


> He told me he would do cocaine with that girl and they would have sex. I feel like he wanted to F*** her so bad and I want him to want me that way. I feel like he gave her what I want from him. I can't get the images of what they did out of my head. This has been a very hard year. Wanting my husband so bad, but hating him at the same time. He has also had a very bad habit of lying to me about why he's out so late with his friends and omitting information because I didn't ask.


Ten years of affairs and lies. His "friends" are all full of it too, because they have been aiding and abetting him while he cheats on his family and wife.



Peace2000 said:


> He was doing this up until right before I found out the truth about everything last year SO, I have a very hard time trusting him and believing him. Now that you have the backstory, this is my issue right now. Because I dont believe him or trust him, one night, I decided to peek thru the peep hole on the front door while he was smoking


Coke, affairs, not coming home... Boy, people don't correct this, unless they had a near death experience and all of a sudden they are thankful for their supportive and loving husband or wife. Outside of this, the human EGO will not allow it, it will protect itself.



Peace2000 said:


> to see if I could see if I could see what he was looking at on his iPod..ha! Sure enough, I could see it! And he was watching porn! So for a few weeks when he would go to smoke, I would peek. And every time he was watching porn. A few weeks ago I was in the bedroom getting ready for work at 7:00 am and I walked up the hall and saw him watching porn on his iPod in the livingroom!!!! He tried to close the window but he wasn't fast enough. I didn't say anything right then. But later during the day I sent him a text telling him that I saw him watching porn first thing that morning while I was in the next room half naked.


Don't know what to say but in that situation you have a ton of work ahead of you.



Peace2000 said:


> I told him how it made me feel like he chose porn over me and how hurtful that was on top of everything else. He said he was sorry and he wouldn't do it again. Well, a week later, the same exact thing. Except I went off on him and went to work. So, now, I absolutely HATE the way I look! He says he's never had a problem with the way I look and that he thinks I'm beautiful and sexy.


He may feel good about you and safe. But you have gained weight over the years, I would accept this, not get down about it, and use anger and motivation to drive my weight loss.



Peace2000 said:


> You may He doesn't tell me that unless I'm telling him I feel like he thinks I'm fat and ugly. I've told him that if he thinks I'm sexy I REALLY need to hear it when we make love. But he never says it then. Now Im finding myself fantasizing about cheating on him. I want him to be more into having sex with me. I've started losing weight and going to the tanning bed. I just really don't know what to do anymore. Any thoughts??


Kick your fitness and health recovery up a couple of levels. I wouldn't worry about attracting this man who took your relationship so seriously over the last ten years. I know that feels like crap. Do it for yourself.

So gather up your list of requirements, your food, your rules, and your time, figure out your time frame and implement your program.

Health is one piece of the problem. You have a slick husband, I wouldn't look to him for affirmations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

He cheated for 2 months, ten years ago. Not for ten years.

Other then that, excellent advice!


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