# I had the affair....



## softballmom (Aug 22, 2012)

Hi, Im new here, have been reading for a few days and thought I would share my story and take any advice anyone is willing to give. 

We've been married for almost 20yrs. I have had 2 affairs during this time. The first one was early in the marriage, but we had been going through an extrememly bad time and we seperated and filed for a divorce before I started seeing someone but my spouse still felt it was cheating. I dont argue that point with him. However, we reconciled and since then we have had a otherwise good marriage...until a lil over a year ago. I fully accept responsibilty for my actions, however there were issues going on within me that enabled me to make the choices I made. We, again were contemplating divorce, but not because I didnt love my spouse or want to be with him, but felt that he would be better off without me in his life ( family issues). Without going into further details, I was in a massive depression and I was feeling at an all time low in my otherwise wonderful life. 

So the affair, I met someone whom I had known many years ago. I had flown to see one of my best friends for a holiday and met this person as well. The first time we met, nothing happened. It was the 2nd, 3rd and 4th visit that things took place. It was a physical relationship more than an emotional relationship. An it took place over the course of 6mths. We texted more than anything else, rarely did we email or have phone conversations. I realized after that last visit that this was wrong and not fair to my spouse, family, the other person and myself. So I ended it and focused on my therapy sessions and trying to heal myself from other situations that had previously occurred in my life. After 5mths of therapy and alot of support from my spouse I decided that our marriage was worth saving and working on. He never really wanted our marriage to end, but was not sure what to do with the situation. So in Jan '12 we made the choice to recommitt to our marriage and make it better than ever. We have done that. I never told him about the affair, as at the time I felt what he didnt know didnt hurt him, but everyday I was sorely tempted to tell him because I generally do not lie to my husband and I felt horrible that I was living with this and not being honest. I should mention that when I ended this relationship I was involved in, I confessed all to a family member. She too, encouraged me to kee this to myself as she loves both of us and wanted us to stay together and neither of us was sure how this would go over. So ...affair ended, marriage was healing and getting better than ever...and then I had a fight with the family member who knew my secret. She threatened to tell all to my spouse and was even trying to get it out so my children could hear this. I was able to send my children to a friends house and got them out of the situation. This family member is going through a divorce and was living with us until yesterday. So with her threatening to tell, I decided it would be better to hear from me than from her. So I called my spouse and had him come home to confess. Which I did. He was hurt and quite shocked and I was emotionally beside myself and well we both were going through alot of emotion. Last night after my spouse had a few hours to digest all this information he called me to tell me he wanted to stay in our marriage and work through this. I was shocked, scared and elated all at the same time. This was the news I wanted to desperately hear as I do not want to part from my marriage. We've been talking and texting as we normally would, but because he is working we arent really discussing the problems at hand. I know when he comes home this week for a month, we will discuss and I want that. He didnt ask me alot of questions about the affair, and I didnt offer any details. I felt at the time knowing it happened was enough pain for a day and I am guessing he thought the same. I will answer any questions he presents to me when he wants to hear the answers. But the family member wants to talk to him and I have no idea what she will say. Im worried that she will change his mind with giving him details and some incorrect ones as she is very very angry with me. He has said though, that he doesnt want to hear about it from her and that it is between us and that is what he will say. I believe that, but still very worried. Im a wreck. He is a wreck. I feel physically ill, emotionally trying to hold on so I dont fall back into a massive depression and of course, a monumental amount of guilt. Then I feel horrible for feeling miserable when he must be feeling worse than I am. I am hopeful that he will want to stay committed and work toward healing our relationship. I cant imagine my life without him. He's a very good man and a great father and always my best friend. He even told me yesterday he feels for me for feeling so awful. An that just made me feel even worse, he was more worried about my feelings than his own. Dont get me wrong, he feels horrible and he is hurt beyond words and I know this...but what a fool I was. This is the most difficult thing we have had to endure and after so many years of dedication to our marriage. I do not try to justify my choices, but I dont know what to do. He's coming home tomorrow night and we have both discussed "feeling weird" when he does. I dont want to act normal for fear that he will think I am not taking this seriously and thinking its all under the rug. I dont want to act unnormal for fear of making him feel insecure. He said he's not sure how he will feel and how he would like for me to behave. He left it at we will see what happens. I keep reassuring him I am exactly where I want to be and that I love him. He's been telling me he loves me too and we will work through this. 

Also, I have not had contact with the other person in over a year. We do not communicate on any level. Any advice on how to proceed would be appreciated.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Wow you recomitted your marriage with the secert of the affair. What ever your husband wants to know you tell him. If he wants to know the details of the sex acts tell him. Go get an STD test done and have the reults ready to hand to him.

He is going to want to know who you had an A with give him the name, phone number, whatever he wants.

This is all on you, prove to him how sick about this you really are and live every day to prove to him you how sorry you really are.

Get into IC now and set up an MC to start when he returns.

You have no idea what kind of pain you have caused him by your lack of fidelity. Nothing he has done gave you permission to spread your legs for another man. That was your choice


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Please break your posts into paragraphs - it's more likely people will read them all.

You have some HUGE HUGE heavy lifting to do here. You need to confess everything to him - EVERYthing. Write it down so you don't leave anything out. You need to apologize ten thousand times and in ten thousand ways. You need to give him access to every single privtae thing you have - cell phone, emails, bank statements, credit cards statements, computers, EVERYthing. You need to read around this forum and learn how he feels - there's another thread on here right now I will link to if I can find it.

I cannot begin to describe what you have done and the hurt you have caused. You have no conception of it either. You owe this man everything if he decides to stick around. EVERYthing. DO NOT screw this up again, for his sake and your kids.

Get into IC immediately to fidn out why you did this, then when your IC thinks you're ready, get MC with your husband.

Realize this is going to take YEARS.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Here's the post

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/54227-few-thoughts-questions.html#post1008465

And YES - STD testing. You and your husband.


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## softballmom (Aug 22, 2012)

I have been tested, although I did use protection every time. I am going to see my therapist later this week and I have said I would seek MC if my spouse wants to do that. He hasnt said if he does or doesnt at this time. Although, I recommend it...he has always been adverse to counseling but understood my need for it over the last 18mths. Believe me I understand there is no valid reasoning for my choices and I am certainly not putting any blame on my spouse for this. I own this 100% as all my doing.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

He needs to know the truth about the affair. It's his decision if he gets to R or not. I, also, do not buy the not telling him about the affair to save him pain. The only one who benefits from the secrets is yourself. It's the easy way out. I hope that you are not telling him that this is the reason you hid truth about the affair.

Become completely transparent. Give him access to your computer, emails, facebook, cellphone. Any way you communicated with your OM or the public, he should have access to.

You need to apologize. However, not with just words. Words are meaningless coming from someone who lied. Show with actions. Show with remorse.

Remember, he may have questions about the affair in later days. You will need to answer them honestly. Do not trickle truth him. This will draw out his pain.

It takes years to recover from the pain you inflicted upon your family. Be prepare for the rollarcoaster ride of R if he decides it. If he chooses to D, then accept it.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> He's a very good man and a great father and always my best friend. He even told me yesterday he feels for me for feeling so awful. An that just made me feel even worse, he was more worried about my feelings than his own. Dont get me wrong, he feels horrible and he is hurt beyond words and I know this...but what a fool I was.


Yeah... You won't get much discussion on that point...

There are some people over here that have been in similar situations and are further ahead on the R thing. They will help you out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If your husband wants all the details (what you did, how many times, etc.) tell him.

However, I did not want to know any details of my wife's affair. None. It was bad enough to know there had been sex. I really did not want any details, thank you very much.

I think the reason why your husband is hurting so much is that he loves you as much as I love my wife.

You are so lucky. Please never abuse his love ever again, OK?


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

The words you use to describe your husband could be used to describe your brother. I don't hear the words "sexy", "attractive", or any of the other buzzwords that would suggest you think of your husband in a passionate way. He is a friend but not a lover. Right? 

The other man must have had those qualities to turn you on sexually that your husband lacks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Your husband is a forgiving man. Given the fact he's not deciding between divorce and reconciliation and heavily leaning toward the latter, there isn't much you could do at the moment. In these circumstances, where the marriage goes is squarely in his hands. That aside, if he asks about the details of the affair you should be honest with it. If he doesn't, there's no need divulging. I'm saying this not because I want you to be dishonest, but I get the sense he loves you too much and won't leave you no matter what. Hence graphically telling him the details will only exasperate his pain. In the meantime you can show him assurances that you're committed to the marriage by writing a no contact letter (if the affair was recent) and total transparency.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I wish Empty_Inside could comment on this thread.


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## softballmom (Aug 22, 2012)

spudster said:


> The words you use to describe your husband could be used to describe your brother. I don't hear the words "sexy", "attractive", or any of the other buzzwords that would suggest you think of your husband in a passionate way. He is a friend but not a lover. Right?
> 
> The other man must have had those qualities to turn you on sexually that your husband lacks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Please understand this is my first time posting and am new to the ways of message boards. I do find my husband extremely attractive, intelligent and sexy. We do not have bedroom relations as often as maybe we should or could, but there have never been any complaints in that department other than frequency. But our lack of frequency has not been because of unattraction, just that we have 3 children who are extremely active in and outside of school and we are often out to practices or sporting events til 9-10 at night and most weekends. When we do have "free" time, we are working on our house or we are just vegging out with each and enjoying quiet time and relaxing.


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## softballmom (Aug 22, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Your husband is a forgiving man. Given the fact he's not deciding between divorce and reconciliation and heavily leaning toward the latter, there isn't much you could do at the moment. In these circumstances, where the marriage goes is squarely in his hands. That aside, if he asks about the details of the affair you should be honest with it. If he doesn't, there's no need divulging. I'm saying this not because I want you to be dishonest, but I get the sense he loves you too much and won't leave you no matter what. Hence graphically telling him the details will only exasperate his pain. In the meantime you can show him assurances that you're committed to the marriage by writing a no contact letter (if the affair was recent) and total transparency.


I am honestly surprised at his willingness to stay in our marriage and work through this. I wish there was something I could do at this moment to make things right, but I know time is what it will take. I just am so lost and uncertain of how to behave and act with him. I will answer any questions he presents to me and answer him with all honesty. I hate that I may have to do this, but i want to do whatever it takes to get through this. The affair was over a year ago and ended shortly after it began. Although I am extrememly grateful at his committment to our marriage, it makes me feel even worse that he is so willing to work on things. We just spoke moments ago and he told me he was looking forward to coming home tomorrow night. He's not ignoring the situation per say but hearing him sound so sad and hurt but looking forward to seeing me is so painful.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

softballmom said:


> Please understand this is my first time posting and am new to the ways of message boards. I do find my husband extremely attractive, intelligent and sexy. We do not have bedroom relations as often as maybe we should or could, but there have never been any complaints in that department other than frequency. But our lack of frequency has not been because of unattraction, just that we have 3 children who are extremely active in and outside of school and we are often out to practices or sporting events til 9-10 at night and most weekends. When we do have "free" time, we are working on our house or we are just vegging out with each and enjoying quiet time and relaxing.


Wow, you have kids who go to school all night and all morning? That must be terribly difficult.


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## softballmom (Aug 22, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Wow, you have kids who go to school all night and all morning? That must be terribly difficult.


Not anymore difficult than anyone else who has children. Im sorry if my statement came across offensively.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

poster is in guilt mode


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I can't see how your husband is going to feel safe trusting you going forward. You've now had two affairs for which he has forgiven you. He is likely not to give you trust or faith going forward however.

That has got to be your #1 priority : rebuilding his trust in you.

Do you think perhaps he's staying for the kids?

I'm wondering if you feel any disgust or disrespect for him because he has taken you back without any consequences? You've now done it twice andir seems you've gotten away without him moving out or kicking you out.

Does that make you think less of him because he is letting you off the hook?


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

I would assume that you'd be OK with your husband "dipping his wicket", correct?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

softballmom said:


> Not anymore difficult than anyone else who has children. Im sorry if my statement came across offensively.


Sorry, I was just a little confused. It sounded to me like you were using your kids as an excuse for not having sex with your husband. See, most people on here aren't really into believing b.s. excuses. I myself have three kids. All of them have sports, boyscouts, youth group, swimming. They're busy almost every day of the week, and often until late evening. And yet somehow my wife and I have time to have sex on most days. You yourself had time to have sex outside your marriage. Obviously one of you is resisting sex with the other. If that's you, you need to fix it. If it's him, you need to get to the bottom of it. Especially now. If you're trying to reconcile, you should be doing it every day (at the least). Google "hysterical bonding" for some info on this.


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## softballmom (Aug 22, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I can't see how your husband is going to feel safe trusting you going forward. You've now had two affairs for which he has forgiven you. He is likely not to give you trust or faith going forward however.
> 
> That has got to be your #1 priority : rebuilding his trust in you.
> 
> ...


How and where do I begin with rebuilding his trust? The affair was out of state, and not even a neighboring state. I do not communicate on any level with that person and havent since it ended. I am a stay at home mom and I havent traveled without him since the affair. If I am not with him in person, we are usually texting or talking on the phone. I am willing to do whatever he needs me to do, but given all this I know it will be hard for him to trust me again. 


I do not feel disgust of lack of respect for his willingness to stay. I am so grateful that he has said these words and the relief it brings. It the fact the he is so willing and I feel I dont deserve that after forgiving the first time. I feel guilty for feeling some sort of relief. An its a reminder of how stupid and disrespectful I was to begin with. An a testament to me at how lucky and blessed I am to have such a man in my life.


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## softballmom (Aug 22, 2012)

kenmoore14217 said:


> I would assume that you'd be OK with your husband "dipping his wicket", correct?


Not I would not, I didnt include this in my original posting but at the time our marriage was in a bad place, I felt he was having an affair. I learned later that was not the case, but at the time I thought it was so, and I had talked to him about it. I guess I should say at this time....He works out of the country and has for over 15yrs. He is gone for a month at a time if not longer depending on the demands of his job. Also when this affair took place ( my end) ..not only did I feel he was having one, I also was in a depression where I felt that he deserved someone better than me. At the time I had just taken a serious verbal beating from my mother and from his sister. It sent me into an awful hell. Not his fault. I just had crappy coping skills and was not handling the verbal abuse that I had been suffering from all my life with my mother and for the better part of our marriage with his sister.


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## softballmom (Aug 22, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Sorry, I was just a little confused. It sounded to me like you were using your kids as an excuse for not having sex with your husband. See, most people on here aren't really into believing b.s. excuses. I myself have three kids. All of them have sports, boyscouts, youth group, swimming. They're busy almost every day of the week, and often until late evening. And yet somehow my wife and I have time to have sex on most days. You yourself had time to have sex outside your marriage. Obviously one of you is resisting sex with the other. If that's you, you need to fix it. If it's him, you need to get to the bottom of it. Especially now. If you're trying to reconcile, you should be doing it every day (at the least). Google "hysterical bonding" for some info on this.


I appreciate your suggestion. He is gone every other month for work. So when he is at home, he is here 24-7 with us. We know the frequency isnt to our liking, so we do try to make time as often as we can. Of course this was in the last 8mths. We knew this was part of the breakdown in our relationship and we have been working on it. Now, I dont know what will happen since admitting to my affair is obviously a major set back to what was otherwise a very lovely and happy relationship.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you tried reading any post affair books on rebuilding the marriage and dealing with the pain?


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## softballmom (Aug 22, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Have you tried reading any post affair books on rebuilding the marriage and dealing with the pain?


I just got done reading information on the affore mentioned Hysterical bonding that was suggested. Telling my husband about this was just yesterday and it was last night when he said we would work through this. So I havent read any books at this time. I've been googling how a marriage can survive an affair and found some helpful things. But very little on how the guilty party should proceed. I have apologized constantly and I've been telling him how much he means to me and how much I love him from the moment I confessed. I also have taken all responsibilty and have made no attempts to give excuses for my choices. Although we are both aware at the time of the affair I was not in my normal state of mind and was an emotional wreck, that still doesnt excuse me from the choice I made. Do you have any recommendations on books that may help?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Just curious as to whether or not you still fly out to see this best friend where the infidelity occurred and how did you keep up this long distance affair,as you said it was mainly physical,but over the course of 6 months? It's good that your husband is willing to give you this opportunity and I hope you run with it and do whatever you need to do to recover your marriage.Wishing you both well as you move forward.Take care.


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## softballmom (Aug 22, 2012)

TBT said:


> Just curious as to whether or not you still fly out to see this best friend where the infidelity occurred and how did you keep up this long distance affair,as you said it was mainly physical,but over the course of 6 months? It's good that your husband is willing to give you this opportunity and I hope you run with it and do whatever you need to do to recover your marriage.Wishing you both well as you move forward.Take care.


No I do not. My relationship with my friend fell apart due to other issues not related to my affair, although she knew about it. The reason for the end of our friendship was lifestyle choices and it was mutual. We also do not communicate any longer, plus she was advocating the affair and that was not something I needed to hear when I was trying to focus on my personal depression and healing as well as trying to determine the future of my marriage and felt if I did recommit to my marriage she would be toxic and unhealthy.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You're very lucky to have him but I just have to wonder, maybe he does deserve better than you.

Seems like a recurring theme for you, life gets tough you cheat to cope. Not sure it's fixable, maybe manageable if your husband was around you 24/7. But not fixable with his current work schedule.

You need a nanny to babysit you 24/7 to make sure you don't cheat again, not sure that's fair to him.

Sorry, but I'm gonna call it as I see it.

And you confessed only because it was going to get out anyways with the ex-friend.

He's gonna stay with you but I feel with his current work schedule you'll cheat again, it's not a question of if, it's question of when IMO.

I guess you could get him to quit or take a stable schedule to be home with you and watch you like a warden.

I truly hope you have learned but I have this little feeling in the back of my mind that unless he's there to watch you like a hawk, it's gonna happen again.

I'll probably get flamed for this but fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I also was in a depression where I felt that he deserved someone better than me. At the time I had just taken a serious verbal beating from my mother and from his sister. It sent me into an awful hell. Not his fault. I just had crappy coping skills and was not handling the verbal abuse that I had been suffering from all my life with my mother and for the better part of our marriage with his sister.


I know it's not the main issues here. I feels you "get it", you own your stuff, you don't drop the blame at your husband's feet.
Your husband needs to stand up with his sister. A very serious talk. Boundaires. You also need to learn to deal with SIL. Boundaies again.

Beyond that. yes, get help for your depression (and stop self medicating with affairs and like self (an others) destructive behavior. Get rid of toxic influences.

Hoeply you will keep getting advice. Take what you need and leave the rest.


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## softballmom (Aug 22, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> You're very lucky to have him but I just have to wonder, maybe he does deserve better than you.
> 
> Seems like a recurring theme for you, life gets tough you cheat to cope. Not sure it's fixable, maybe manageable if your husband was around you 24/7. But not fixable with his current work schedule.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your opinion. Its valid. He's valid if he has the same or a similar opinion. I do not want to do this again. I wasnt looking for this to happen either time. The first, we were seperated and filed for a divorce and living in seperate states. This one, wasnt just because I needed attention or some other reason. I truly felt as if my marriage and life as I knew it to be was over and going into a different direction. I do admit my coping skills in the past with situations were less than wonderful. After months of therapy and working diligently to learn coping tools and communication tools things have been great. Yes I admit I was a coward to not tell him from the beginning, and I contemplated telling him before this, I just was a coward, chicken ****, what have you the list is long Im sure....but thats the truth. I was scared and was so happy with the direction we have been going in, I didnt want to ruin it. I do not blame my family member for threatening to out my affair...fact is if I hadnt done it there would be nothing to out. I do not like or appreciate her motivation, but thats a situation unto itsself entirely and Im more concerned with helping my husband and our marriage survive.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

There are two issues. One is the fact you had sex with someone else. The other is the lies. 

It's hard to know which will upset your husband more when it hits him. Be prepared for issues with sexual intimacy, and trust issues, and be prepared for them to go on for years...possibly decades.

Giving him all the information he wants in a truthful fashion, even when it hurts, is good.


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## softballmom (Aug 22, 2012)

Wazza said:


> There are two issues. One is the fact you had sex with someone else. The other is the lies.
> 
> It's hard to know which will upset your husband more when it hits him. Be prepared for issues with sexual intimacy, and trust issues, and be prepared for them to go on for years...possibly decades.
> 
> Giving him all the information he wants in a truthful fashion, even when it hurts, is good.


I am wrapping my brain around the potential issues to come. Its not easy to accept but it will be an honest discussion when the time comes. Thank you for the suggestion.


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## barbiegirl (Aug 18, 2012)

I agree with being 100 percent HONEST with him! I have ben married for 6 years together for 7! Husband and I have 2 children together..
He cheated on me...4 years ago and because he didnt tell me EVERYTHING that i wanted to know...ALL IT DID was make 
me think of what he did and those UNANSWERED questions
that i NEEDED to know( just got all the questions answerd mabey a month ago-he reacted appropriatly wasent happy with it because he doesnt like me bringing it up but was understanding about the situation)
every single day for the past 4 years!!
Finally i couldent take it anymore
i told him how i was feeling..and that i had SO MANY MORE questions
that i NEEDED to ask him OTHERWISE
there WAS NO WAY that we were going to beable to move on in out marriage!! 
I REGRET tht i waited that long!!
LITERALLY I WAS NOT ABLE TO MOVE ON for tht 4 years!!
Because i thought about it everyday everytime we had sex
all times during the day holding hands kissing it DID NOT
matter what i was doing i was thinking all kind of questions!!
Did he do this with her..was she better than me?
Did he love her or was she just a fling? how many times did they see each other did he ever tell her he loved her..
i WROTE down EVERY SINGLE question that i NEEDED answered! it totalled 89 questions!! all based around that ONE NIGHT!! 
It has helped me TREMENDOUSLY to ask those questions and to get "the truth" i dont think about NEARLY as much as i used to and i feel like our marriage has been able to move on from that point! And it feels good! DONT GET ME WRONG iT WILL ALWAYS cross my mind as it will your husband!! BUT you TRUELLY need to realize JUST HOW thankful you should be
that this man actually stayed with you
it is SUCH A HARD thing for us spouses that have
been cheated on to move on! And we will NEVER get
over it IT WILL ALWAYS be there
and HONESTLY we WILL NEVER EVER trust our spouses 100 percent
ever again!! and thats the HARD truth!! but its
reality NOW I DO BELIEVE
that trust can be build back up to a certain
extend but never 100% AND it really sucks i hate that
i can trust him like i want to beable too!! i hate having
to think about these possiblities everytime
he walks out of that door! And i question him about it probably at least once a month! BECAUAE i have to!!

otherwise i would DRIVE myself INSANE!
AND SEX TOO!! if we arent having sex at least 
3 times a week
i QUESTION what hes doing too!! im telling you
this so that you can try to relate to how he is feeling
and what he is going threw
and so that you can try to help him get threw this!!
I am going to keep up with this post
i would love to know how
everything is goin!
and i hope that this will help you to 
understand a little bit more coming from the recievers point
of view!
hope that things will work out between you too!


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## Whenwillitend (Jul 25, 2012)

I have to say that the fact that you told him and him not finding out by chance says to me that you actually feel remorse. I had to find out the hard way and her denying everything. I have to agree with some of the replies that you have to tell him everything ,even the things he does not ask you for. This is the only way you can regain his trust. I had to pry everything out with a crowbar , name , where , when etc. By telling him everything will make it easier for him to recover trust me. The worst thing you can do is holding anything back because if he even suspects you are telling something it will make it so much harder for him. I hope you can work things out and it seems like he wants to , but you need to let go of privacy ,pride , the blame game , etc because as soon as you stepped outside the boundaries it's his ballgame.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

softballmom said:


> I am wrapping my brain around the potential issues to come. Its not easy to accept but it will be an honest discussion when the time comes. Thank you for the suggestion.


Not wanting to scare you off...just wanting to prepare you. Reconciliation is hard and painful work for both parties.

It will probably not be "an honest discussion when the time comes". The discussion will probably go over the same ground again and again, for years, as your husband seeks closure. And some hurtful things will probably be said.

My wife's affair was 22 years ago, and I think we are in a good place now. But there is an edge of sadness to it. Every now and then when we have a bad period I wonder if it's worth it. The notion of leaving her to get past the pain is like gnawing my arm off to escape a trap. And if I'm honest, just occasionally I wonder if I could get by without that arm.

Your relationship may possibly be better and stronger as a result of this, but it will never be the same again. Innocence lost.

Face this, and make the decision that you will not try and soften the blow by sugar-coating the truth, because sugar-coating will make things unbelievably worse.


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## softballmom (Aug 22, 2012)

Thank you Barbiegrl for sharing with me.


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## softballmom (Aug 22, 2012)

Whenwillitend said:


> I have to say that the fact that you told him and him not finding out by chance says to me that you actually feel remorse. I had to find out the hard way and her denying everything. I have to agree with some of the replies that you have to tell him everything ,even the things he does not ask you for. This is the only way you can regain his trust. I had to pry everything out with a crowbar , name , where , when etc. By telling him everything will make it easier for him to recover trust me. The worst thing you can do is holding anything back because if he even suspects you are telling something it will make it so much harder for him. I hope you can work things out and it seems like he wants to , but you need to let go of privacy ,pride , the blame game , etc because as soon as you stepped outside the boundaries it's his ballgame.


I know this is true...but I hope he doesnt want to know all the details, but I am preparing myself for the if he wants to know and I wont keep things....I will tell him all the answers even the ones he doesnt ask.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

I didnt read the entire thread, but in the opening statement by the OP she said, and i quote "i do not generally lie to my husband"

Are you freakin serious???

You had a 2nd affair that took a lot of effort in the lying department on your behalf. 

You are still in deep denial about this. Your a cake eater. You will most likely cheat again. 

I feel so sorry for your husband. You need some serious help lady. 

I do not say these things to be mean or degrading to you, it just seems you have some major issues that if you dont fix, you are going to repeat this pattern and its just sad. Really it is. Because not only are you cheating amd lying and depriving your husband of an honest, healthy marriage, you are depriving yourself as well. 

Again, and i say this in earnest. Please do not ban me.


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## Whenwillitend (Jul 25, 2012)

Softballmom. You have to tell him everything from start to finish. I have gone thru the trickle truth and trust me the only way is to tell everything no matter how much you think it sucks or hurt him.


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## Whenwillitend (Jul 25, 2012)

And you should listen to Shaggy. Helped me through a very hard time although I posted under another name. You can not even begin to imagine the pain he's going thru right now.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

The big challenge for your husband and I am going to be very blunt is when he travels. He has to trust you and that will be hard to do. He is having and going to have mind movies of you screwing another guy, he will also imagine you doing things with your AP that you did not do with him. That may not be the case but he will think it

The excuse about being to tired is pure BS. You and maybe your husband did not make the effort but you made the effort to have an A. Which would have been the better use of effort, sex with your husband or that POS you slept with?

Also he will have triggers that will cause upset and pain. He may not know what they are or how they are connected but it will happen.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

softballmom said:


> I know this is true...but I hope he doesnt want to know all the details, but I am preparing myself for the if he wants to know and I wont keep things....I will tell him all the answers even the ones he doesnt ask.


I did I demand to know every detail. What made it harder was the trickle truth from my wife. If he asks tell him. It is nothing like the pain he is having right now


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## Whenwillitend (Jul 25, 2012)

Thank you mahike , my point exactly .....not sure what hurts more, the betrayal or the trickle truth


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

My advice - answer every question fully and truthfully when asked. No trickle truth.

You must understand the most hurtful thing in an affair is the betrayal, not the sex for most people. If you hold back truth when asked you are essentially continuing the lies that were part of the betrayal.

Oh, and expect your husband to go through an angry phase which will come and go at seemingly random moments/triggers.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

here is a small sample of things to come..

I was with my family today. 5 yo son asks mommy something. She answers with a promise. (it was a big deal). Then she says, "mommy never breaks her promises!" I shoot her a look. She drops her head.

It sucks. Part of it always will.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

slater said:


> here is a small sample of things to come..
> 
> I was with my family today. 5 yo son asks mommy something. She answers with a promise. (it was a big deal). Then she says, "mommy never breaks her promises!" I shoot her a look. She drops her head.
> 
> It sucks. Part of it always will.


We still have the same issues with our adult kids and our Granddaughter it sucks and it will never be the same.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

slater said:


> here is a small sample of things to come..
> 
> I was with my family today. 5 yo son asks mommy something. She answers with a promise. (it was a big deal). Then she says, "mommy never breaks her promises!" I shoot her a look. She drops her head.
> 
> It sucks. Part of it always will.


I read a post like this and a little part of my heart breaks for both of you.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I am wondering why your husband refers to your first incident as an affair??? sounds like something is missing from the story. Was it because you were not divorced?? In Canada I guess we're more liberal about those things. I guess because in Canada you have to be separated a year before able to get a divorce.

Ok, so I've been where you are, and yeah, you will have a lot of guilt, but these feelings lead to depression, then you will want to escape the feeling, and guess what? you end up where you started...Get the help you need, address some of the family issues as well, it doesn't sound too healthy with regard to his sister and mother or whoever, verbal abuse is never acceptable.

I can tell you honestly that you are at a high risk for doing this again, yeah, you feel the guilt, you seem to be remorseful, but really it doesn't matter, you have to work at your boundaries with the opposite sex, and understand what makes you vulnerable to seeking attention from other men, what's missing?

It's never really about sex, it's about the other person meeting your emotional needs at the time.

all the best


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Complexity said:


> Your husband is a forgiving man. Given the fact he's not deciding between divorce and reconciliation and heavily leaning toward the latter, there isn't much you could do at the moment. In these circumstances, where the marriage goes is squarely in his hands. That aside, if he asks about the details of the affair you should be honest with it. If he doesn't, there's no need divulging. I'm saying this not because I want you to be dishonest, but I get the sense he loves you too much and won't leave you no matter what. Hence graphically telling him the details will only exasperate his pain. In the meantime you can show him assurances that you're committed to the marriage by writing a no contact letter (if the affair was recent) and total transparency.


Complexity, How do you become totally transparent and withhold information , at the same time? If you are totally transparent, then you have nothing to withhold, because it's all out there.


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## barbiegirl (Aug 18, 2012)

softballmom said:


> Thank you Barbiegrl for sharing with me.



your welome
i hope that everything works out
in your marriage! and if you need any other
advice please ask and i will do my best to 
help you<3
god bless


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## softballmom (Aug 22, 2012)

barbiegirl said:


> your welome
> i hope that everything works out
> in your marriage! and if you need any other
> advice please ask and i will do my best to
> ...


Thank you! I really appreciate your words. He came home this evening. We did some talking, he says he is really committed to working through this and believes we will overcome this. He's not up for much discussion about this and I told him that he cant close it off and act like he doesnt know. That we need to talk, but we will move at his pace and what is comfortable with him. Not sure if that is the right direction but right now I want to help him anyway I can. However, I am seeing my own therapist next week to start my own process with recovering myself and our relationship. I need to deal with the fact that this has happened twice in our relationship under extremely emotional times in our relationship and figure out why when the going gets extremely rough I turn away from him and our marriage. I also need to know how to help him with any issues he may have with this. He is still saying he doesnt want to know anything more than what he already does. I admit Im relieve on the one hand, but feel like a shoe is waiting to be dropped. I offered to discuss freely on my own without prompting from him, but he told me he really wanted to just enjoy being home and focus on moving forward.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

softballmom said:


> Thank you! I really appreciate your words. He came home this evening. We did some talking, he says he is really committed to working through this and believes we will overcome this. He's not up for much discussion about this and I told him that he cant close it off and act like he doesnt know. That we need to talk, but we will move at his pace and what is comfortable with him. Not sure if that is the right direction but right now I want to help him anyway I can. However, I am seeing my own therapist next week to start my own process with recovering myself and our relationship. I need to deal with the fact that this has happened twice in our relationship under extremely emotional times in our relationship and figure out why when the going gets extremely rough I turn away from him and our marriage. I also need to know how to help him with any issues he may have with this. He is still saying he doesnt want to know anything more than what he already does. I admit Im relieve on the one hand, but feel like a shoe is waiting to be dropped. I offered to discuss freely on my own without prompting from him, but he told me he really wanted to just enjoy being home and focus on moving forward.


I like your attitude in all this, but I would be a bit worried about his reaction. I would say that he is either in denial or having an affair himself, which requires very different reactions from you.

It's not like he is indifferent, is it?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am glad he is home. This is going to evolve. Yes the other shoe will drop at some point unless he wants to go into denial and rug sweep. That would not be good for you or him.

I am about 10 months into our recovery and we still have hard talks. I am still dealing with my wifes betrayl and I still have the mind movies it's just not happening as much.


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

I agree with answering everything question he has honestly. As much as you think it will hurt him, he wants to know so he doesn't have to "think" what happened. If he knows he doesn't think something that didn't happen. 

Someone on here has a list of things that the cheating spouse needs to understand how the Betrayed spouse is feeling. Hopefully they post it. Read that, and follow it. Its very good advice. 

Also your husband will go through good days, and bad days. During the bad days you will beat up emotionally, and mentally. You will still have to put your best foot forward. 

When he felling "off" and everyone else doesn't understand why, you need to defend him. 

He needs to feel you fight for him, and to save your marriage. 

You will need to walk a fine line of being close, but not to close. He will want you by his side one minute, and the next he will not want to be around you. 

Also you will probaly hear all kinds of people on here tell you how horrible you are. don't take it personally. Keep posting, and asking questions. The mere fact that you are here tells me you want help, and hope to make it work. 

it will not be easy. My wife did the same thing you did. It will take many years to get back to normalcy.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Complexity, How do you become totally transparent and withhold information , at the same time? If you are totally transparent, then you have nothing to withhold, because it's all out there.


He doesn't want to know the specifics. The guy is going to stay with her no matter what. There's no need to exasperate his pain by graphically describing the sexual stuff that went on.


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## softballmom (Aug 22, 2012)

cpacan said:


> I like your attitude in all this, but I would be a bit worried about his reaction. I would say that he is either in denial or having an affair himself, which requires very different reactions from you.
> 
> It's not like he is indifferent, is it?


I think he's a bit in denial, the other option having an affair himself could be something as well, but Im not going to look for more trouble when I dont need it. If it comes up...ok will deal. If not Im not going to knock on hell's door for more. 

No he's not being indifferent at all. He acted like he usually does when he gets home and we went to dinner and came back and all was ok. Internally and emtionally I was wrecked, but I was following his lead and letting things be as he wanted them to be.


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## softballmom (Aug 22, 2012)

Complexity said:


> He doesn't want to know the specifics. The guy is going to stay with her no matter what. There's no need to exasperate his pain by graphically describing the sexual stuff that went on.


I tried to discuss things, basic details to start the process and he sat there and then said he didnt need to know. He said I know we have to talk and deal with this, but not tonight. I said ok I understand. But reminded him to not shut it down. He said its not that he's shutting it down, but when it comes to it, he knows it happened, he knows when and where. He knows the why it happened at all. He said we've worked hard to get where we've been for awhile now and he doesnt want to work backwards. It makes a bit of sense, but as I said, feel like a shoe will drop and Im preparing myself for that event.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

softballmom said:


> I tried to discuss things, basic details to start the process and he sat there and then said he didnt need to know. He said I know we have to talk and deal with this, but not tonight. I said ok I understand. But reminded him to not shut it down. He said its not that he's shutting it down, but when it comes to it, he knows it happened, he knows when and where. He knows the why it happened at all. He said we've worked hard to get where we've been for awhile now and he doesnt want to work backwards. It makes a bit of sense, but as I said, feel like a shoe will drop and Im preparing myself for that event.


Just constantly assure him that you'll be transparent and answer any questions he asks. As you said however, don't press the issue. Some men just can't handle the details so it's best left unsaid. 

Best of luck to you both.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

i Have to admit i havent read every paige. but here is what stick out for me..



Im not slaming you here.

But there is a quple of things that sticks out here.

*You said:*

”I have had 2 affairs during this time. The first one was early in the marriage,_What happend? _*but we had been going through an extrememly bad time.* What happend ?and we seperated and filed for a divorce before I started seeing someone.That can easaly been seen as OM was around somehow.. *but my spouse still felt it was cheating.* Of course he might suspected something.* I dont argue that point with him.* Why not? you two where divorcing.

Whos idea for the divorce?


*you wrote :*

*I fully accept responsibilty for my actions, *And someone else should have taken responsibility because?*And you should. however there were issues going on within me *
You know you can only use issues once, right? *that enabled me to make the choices I made. We, again were contemplating divorce,* 

Your issues again?* but not because I didnt love my spouse or want to be with him,* Why contemplate divorce then ?* but felt that he would be better off without me in his life ( family issues). Without going into further details, I was in a massive depression and I was feeling at an all time low in my otherwise wonderful life.* Massive depression in otherwise wonderfull life? Makes no sense? And your husband Is/Was aware of it?

It seem to me that you are getting somewhat an urge to 
Be naughty an then blame something

You know you can only use one excuse once. Everything else is just excuses..


*It was a physical relationship more than an emotional relationship. An it took place over the course of 6mths. We texted more than anything else, rarely did we email or have phone conversations. I realized after that last visit that this was wrong and not fair to my spouse, family, the other person and myself.*

Here is what is seriously dont make sense tom e.
If you are/was in a massive depression. Having affair would have been
At least on your agenda.


You wrote:


*We do not have bedroom relations as often as maybe we should or could, but there have never been any complaints in that department other than frequency.
*
But yet you manage in you massive depression to fly a long 
Distance to have a PA.

That is going to be tough to explain to your husband.

*You wrote:*

How and where do I begin with rebuilding his trust?

Book IC if you already haven’t done that. And see a doctor
For you “massive depression’s”


You wrote:

Not I would not, I didnt include this in my original posting *but at the time our marriage was in a bad place, I felt he was having an affair.* Oh PLEASE .Justification for your own 
Affair. Design to make you feel better.

*I learned later that was not the case*

Of course you did. Justifcation remember

*You wrote:

At the time I had just taken a serious verbal beating from my mother and from his sister. It sent me into an awful hell. Not his fault. I just had crappy coping skills and was not handling the verbal abuse that I had been suffering from all my life with my mother and for the better part of our marriage with his sister.*


So your solutions is to cheat rather then seek help?

I can go ,on and on. But is time for you to let go of the
“Reason´s” and start dealing with them


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

softballmom said:


> I tried to discuss things, basic details to start the process and he sat there and then said he didnt need to know. He said I know we have to talk and deal with this, but not tonight. I said ok I understand. But reminded him to not shut it down. He said its not that he's shutting it down, but when it comes to it, he knows it happened, he knows when and where. He knows the why it happened at all. He said we've worked hard to get where we've been for awhile now and he doesnt want to work backwards. It makes a bit of sense, but as I said, feel like a shoe will drop and Im preparing myself for that event.


Does he have a counselor, or at least a friend or mentor he can talk to? He needs someone he trusts to vent some, and frankly that is not you right now. 

Consider that he is not talking to you because he does not believe he can trust you to revela hsi his feelings. I would reassure him that he can talk to you, but that for his own well being, he needs to find someone to talk to. You broke part of your vows to him, but you can show him you are committed by holding up other parts. He is sick in his heart, so you need to do what you can to heal him, even if it means getting him to talk to someone else.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Complexity said:


> He doesn't want to know the specifics. The guy is going to stay with her no matter what. There's no need to exasperate his pain by graphically describing the sexual stuff that went on.


It's not all about his needs or wants, Complexity. It's about what will cause the R to be a real one. She needs to be completely open and honest, and relate ALL of what happened, for HER sake as well as his. If you put it ALL out there , then there is only one D-day, because there is nothing left to hide, or worry that the BS will find out more . Even with the best of intentions, if there is info that the WS either withholds or omits, then every time some "new", piece of info comes to light, it will be like a new D-day. My advice is to tell everything, or it might bite you in the ass, later.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Badblood said:


> It's not all about his needs or wants, Complexity. It's about what will cause the R to be a real one. She needs to be completely open and honest, and relate ALL of what happened, for HER sake as well as his. If you put it ALL out there , then there is only one D-day, because there is nothing left to hide, or worry that the BS will find out more . Even with the best of intentions, if there is info that the WS either withholds or omits, then every time some "new", piece of info comes to light, it will be like a new D-day. My advice is to tell everything, or it might bite you in the ass, later.


How does that reconcile with allowing him to control the R? Not saying you are wrong, only noting that her forcing him to hear these details before he is ready could be construed as her selfishly unloading her guilty while ignoring the pain it causes him. As they are close to D-Day, giving him time to process and figure out what he wants, including details, does not seem like an awful thing.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Softball Mom

You originally said you had been in counselling.

Did you ever discuss your first or 2nd affairs with your counsellor?

HM64


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## softballmom (Aug 22, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Softball Mom
> 
> You originally said you had been in counselling.
> 
> ...


The first affair was discussed in counseling years ago. The 2nd affair I did discuss in my personal counseling but it was not the main focus of therapy at the time.


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## softballmom (Aug 22, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Does he have a counselor, or at least a friend or mentor he can talk to? He needs someone he trusts to vent some, and frankly that is not you right now.
> 
> Consider that he is not talking to you because he does not believe he can trust you to revela hsi his feelings. I would reassure him that he can talk to you, but that for his own well being, he needs to find someone to talk to. You broke part of your vows to him, but you can show him you are committed by holding up other parts. He is sick in his heart, so you need to do what you can to heal him, even if it means getting him to talk to someone else.


He does have a friend he can talk to and he has a few times already. I have reassured him Im here to talk or listen when he is ready to talk. We talked a bit at lunch about MC, its on the table as an option, but not a done deal as of yet.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> How does that reconcile with allowing him to control the R? Not saying you are wrong, only noting that her forcing him to hear these details before he is ready could be construed as her selfishly unloading her guilty while ignoring the pain it causes him. As they are close to D-Day, giving him time to process and figure out what he wants, including details, does not seem like an awful thing.


 TAG, he might control the R, but she has all of the info. I do agree though, that the timing of the disclosure can be adjusted to his ability to process that info.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

yeah...........


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

michzz said:


> Wow, I would think it would be a major point of discussion.
> 
> Why wasn't it?



That was the point of my question. Thank U for paying attention.

When infidelity is not addressed it happens again.

Case in point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## softballmom (Aug 22, 2012)

michzz said:


> Wow, I would think it would be a major point of discussion.
> 
> Why wasn't it?


It was over by the time I was fully into my therapy and was trying to work on coping skills, and other reasons that I was going to therapy. In my mind at the time, it was an event that occured while I was convinced my life was moving in a different direction. I will type more about the therapy and why I was in it....just hard to relive that year of my life. I understand that you feel it hasnt been addressed, but it has..just havent gone into all that on here.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

softballmom said:


> It was over by the time I was fully into my therapy and was trying to work on coping skills, and other reasons that I was going to therapy. In my mind at the time, it was an event that occured while I was convinced my life was moving in a different direction. I will type more about the therapy and why I was in it....just hard to relive that year of my life. I understand that you feel it hasnt been addressed, but it has..just havent gone into all that on here.


It seems that the affairs have only been addressed with your IC whose job is to help you accept and feel better about the choices you made. You are working on you. Don't get me wrong, this is a good thing. For you.

It is not the IC's job to help your husband, or help repair the marriage. 

So in context with your husband and marriage - no - the affairs have not been addressed. IC can be good for a marriage - bad IC can destroy a marriage or allow the wayward spouse to justify all the bad choices. 

You have to accept that everything you did was a choice that you made. It does not matter what situation you found yourself in - you made the choice to do what you did.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Does he have a counselor, or at least a friend or mentor he can talk to? He needs someone he trusts to vent some, and frankly that is not you right now.
> 
> Consider that he is not talking to you because he does not believe he can trust you to revela hsi his feelings. I would reassure him that he can talk to you, but that for his own well being, he needs to find someone to talk to. You broke part of your vows to him, but you can show him you are committed by holding up other parts. He is sick in his heart, so you need to do what you can to heal him, even if it means getting him to talk to someone else.


Yeah, I had nobody to talk to. I bottled it all in and nearly lost it several times.

I felt so lonely.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Would you forgive your H for a similar mistake?


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

softballmom said:


> I have had 2 affairs during this time. The first one was early in the marriage, but we had been going through an extrememly bad time and we seperated and filed for a divorce before I started seeing someone but my spouse still felt it was cheating. I dont argue that point with him.


There is nothing to argue you were still married and had sex with another man. Separated does not mean anything to a BH.

Did your BH date you or any one during this separation when you were sleeping with your OM?

Who pushed for the separation?

As your BH processes the 2nd affair the questions may come you will have to be !00% truthful.

Get the book Surviving An Affair, by Dr Harley.

You can never go back home alone without your BH to visit friends again. Ever. You need to tell the OMW. Send a NC letter to the OM. The SAA book will help you with these things.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Writer said:


> He needs to know the truth about the affair. It's his decision if he gets to R or not. I, also, do not buy the not telling him about the affair to save him pain.



It is not the WS decision to make about telling the BS about the affair.

It is the BS decision to what detail they need to hear. Once a question is asked the answer can never be unheard.

The BS needs to know only what he wants.

There have been some, and I will admit a few BH that never knew that their WW had an affair till their WW told them. All these BH asked was their WW going to leave them, and was the affair over.

These WW were going bananas with worry because their BH were not acting like an average BH. They did not want to talk about the affair. These WW were worried what to do to help their BH heal.

Being average means most not all. There are the BH at the other extreme. Those BH would read every text, email, wished every conversation was recorded to listen to, and every encounter was videoed so they can see what happened and have their WW write a timeline of the affair to see if it matches everything WW said and wrote past dday.

Forcing a WW to tell info that is not asked is taking the control away from the BH.

That is just as wrong and bad as trickle truthing.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Wazza said:


> Not wanting to scare you off...just wanting to prepare you. Reconciliation is hard and painful work for both parties.
> 
> It will probably not be "an honest discussion when the time comes". The discussion will probably go over the same ground again and again, for years, as your husband seeks closure. And some hurtful things will probably be said.
> 
> ...





softballmom said:


> I know this is true...but I hope he doesnt want to know all the details, but I am preparing myself for the if he wants to know and I wont keep things....I will tell him all the answers even the ones he doesnt ask.



There is a difference between being honest and being brutal.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

theroad said:


> There is a difference between being honest and being brutal.


This is a myth. Honesty isn't brutal, it's the cheating that is brutal. Honesty is cleansing the brutality away.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Badblood said:


> This is a myth. Honesty isn't brutal, it's the cheating that is brutal. Honesty is cleansing the brutality away.


No what you are saying is myth.

Fact:

BH asks if they had sex.

WW trickle truths with oral. No BH when they ask if their WW if they had sex is asking about all the way. That is not being honest.

WW saying yes intercourse is being honest and not brutal.

Brutal would be the WW going past that when not asked for more detail.

Was protection used? Yes or No is honest.

Brutal answer is the OM did not like using rubbers, I always let the OM cum inside me. Then double brutal when the WW had the BH wear them as their means of birth control.

BH: How was the sex?

If the WW enjoyed it then she say's I enjoyed it. Brutal when the WW say's that the OM was the best she ever had. Etc, etc, going on about the OM making her O non stop.

Rubbing it in will be the result when the BH is not asking for that level of detail.

You are presumptuous to assume how much detail every BH wants to hear.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Many people focus way more in the brutal part than the honesty part.
Somewhere I read about "punishing the the truth".


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Brutal...."do I look fat in this dress?"...."yeah, you have nicer outfits".....ouch

If the information is out there, then the brutal truth must come with it, it really hurts the other person, but in the end, they'll find out somehow. I don't say push it on the person if they don't want it, but I think if the person isn't asking for it, there is some serious denial....."if I don't ask, it didn't happen"


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

working_together said:


> Brutal...."do I look fat in this dress?"...."yeah, you have nicer outfits".....ouch
> 
> If the information is out there, then the brutal truth must come with it, it really hurts the other person, but in the end, they'll find out somehow. I don't say push it on the person if they don't want it, but I think if the person isn't asking for it, there is some serious denial....."if I don't ask, it didn't happen"


NO!!!

As the BS you are torn....you need to know the truth but then it tortures you with triggers and mind movies.

There's no virtue to learning lots of details that don't change the big picture or help you heal, but add to the pain.

Rugsweeping is denial....not the same thing as not wanting to know the details.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

softballmom said:


> I know this is true...but I hope he doesnt want to know all the details, but I am preparing myself for the if he wants to know and I wont keep things....I will tell him all the answers even the ones he doesnt ask.


Um actually you were not going to tell him right? You only confessed when you thought you were going to be outed by your friend. Offer to tell him everything now. Don't make him drag it out of you.

You said you weren't looking to cheat both times. Remember, you won't be looking to cheat next time either. Figure out why you do this.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

theroad said:


> No what you are saying is myth.
> 
> Fact:
> 
> ...


I don't agree, but I'm not going to argue, you can believe what you want.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Badblood said:


> I don't agree, but I'm not going to argue, you can believe what you want.


There is no believing this has been just stating facts.

Evident that you can't work your way around these facts.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

theroad said:


> There is no believing this has been just stating facts.
> 
> Evident that you can't work your way around these facts.


Facts? Uhuh, another internet tough guy.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Facts? Uhuh, another internet tough guy.


I think you need to have your reading comprehension skills tested. Internet tough guy. I did not threaten you.

How ever you have shown that you can not deal with facts that show you are wrong. So instead of arguing facts you chose to insult the messenger.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

theroad said:


> No what you are saying is myth.
> 
> Fact:
> 
> ...


That's a good point. I knew my wife and the OM had sex. 

What kinds of sex? How many times?
*I did not want to know! TMI!*


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

theroad said:


> There is no believing this has been just stating facts.
> 
> Evident that you can't work your way around these facts.


These are facts to you, meaning your opinion. 

This isn't helping OP, imo, her husband hasn't asked for the truth in details. The truth can seem brutal, and probably is too, let them decide for them selves, right now her husband is in denial or in an affair.


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## Mitch13 (Aug 26, 2012)

Dont beat yourself up. Read womans infidelity and sex at dawn and sperm wars.

QUOTE=softballmom;1009424]Hi, Im new here, have been reading for a few days and thought I would share my story and take any advice anyone is willing to give. 

We've been married for almost 20yrs. I have had 2 affairs during this time. The first one was early in the marriage, but we had been going through an extrememly bad time and we seperated and filed for a divorce before I started seeing someone but my spouse still felt it was cheating. I dont argue that point with him. However, we reconciled and since then we have had a otherwise good marriage...until a lil over a year ago. I fully accept responsibilty for my actions, however there were issues going on within me that enabled me to make the choices I made. We, again were contemplating divorce, but not because I didnt love my spouse or want to be with him, but felt that he would be better off without me in his life ( family issues). Without going into further details, I was in a massive depression and I was feeling at an all time low in my otherwise wonderful life. 

So the affair, I met someone whom I had known many years ago. I had flown to see one of my best friends for a holiday and met this person as well. The first time we met, nothing happened. It was the 2nd, 3rd and 4th visit that things took place. It was a physical relationship more than an emotional relationship. An it took place over the course of 6mths. We texted more than anything else, rarely did we email or have phone conversations. I realized after that last visit that this was wrong and not fair to my spouse, family, the other person and myself. So I ended it and focused on my therapy sessions and trying to heal myself from other situations that had previously occurred in my life. After 5mths of therapy and alot of support from my spouse I decided that our marriage was worth saving and working on. He never really wanted our marriage to end, but was not sure what to do with the situation. So in Jan '12 we made the choice to recommitt to our marriage and make it better than ever. We have done that. I never told him about the affair, as at the time I felt what he didnt know didnt hurt him, but everyday I was sorely tempted to tell him because I generally do not lie to my husband and I felt horrible that I was living with this and not being honest. I should mention that when I ended this relationship I was involved in, I confessed all to a family member. She too, encouraged me to kee this to myself as she loves both of us and wanted us to stay together and neither of us was sure how this would go over. So ...affair ended, marriage was healing and getting better than ever...and then I had a fight with the family member who knew my secret. She threatened to tell all to my spouse and was even trying to get it out so my children could hear this. I was able to send my children to a friends house and got them out of the situation. This family member is going through a divorce and was living with us until yesterday. So with her threatening to tell, I decided it would be better to hear from me than from her. So I called my spouse and had him come home to confess. Which I did. He was hurt and quite shocked and I was emotionally beside myself and well we both were going through alot of emotion. Last night after my spouse had a few hours to digest all this information he called me to tell me he wanted to stay in our marriage and work through this. I was shocked, scared and elated all at the same time. This was the news I wanted to desperately hear as I do not want to part from my marriage. We've been talking and texting as we normally would, but because he is working we arent really discussing the problems at hand. I know when he comes home this week for a month, we will discuss and I want that. He didnt ask me alot of questions about the affair, and I didnt offer any details. I felt at the time knowing it happened was enough pain for a day and I am guessing he thought the same. I will answer any questions he presents to me when he wants to hear the answers. But the family member wants to talk to him and I have no idea what she will say. Im worried that she will change his mind with giving him details and some incorrect ones as she is very very angry with me. He has said though, that he doesnt want to hear about it from her and that it is between us and that is what he will say. I believe that, but still very worried. Im a wreck. He is a wreck. I feel physically ill, emotionally trying to hold on so I dont fall back into a massive depression and of course, a monumental amount of guilt. Then I feel horrible for feeling miserable when he must be feeling worse than I am. I am hopeful that he will want to stay committed and work toward healing our relationship. I cant imagine my life without him. He's a very good man and a great father and always my best friend. He even told me yesterday he feels for me for feeling so awful. An that just made me feel even worse, he was more worried about my feelings than his own. Dont get me wrong, he feels horrible and he is hurt beyond words and I know this...but what a fool I was. This is the most difficult thing we have had to endure and after so many years of dedication to our marriage. I do not try to justify my choices, but I dont know what to do. He's coming home tomorrow night and we have both discussed "feeling weird" when he does. I dont want to act normal for fear that he will think I am not taking this seriously and thinking its all under the rug. I dont want to act unnormal for fear of making him feel insecure. He said he's not sure how he will feel and how he would like for me to behave. He left it at we will see what happens. I keep reassuring him I am exactly where I want to be and that I love him. He's been telling me he loves me too and we will work through this. 

Also, I have not had contact with the other person in over a year. We do not communicate on any level. Any advice on how to proceed would be appreciated.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

cpacan said:


> These are facts to you, meaning your opinion.
> 
> This isn't helping OP, imo, her husband hasn't asked for the truth in details. The truth can seem brutal, and probably is too, let them decide for them selves, right now her husband is in denial or in an affair.


Another poster that needs to have their reading comprehension skills tested.

What I have said is that the WW has to let the BH control how much detail is revealed. She has to be honest and follow her BH lead as to what details she reveals.

Even mattmatt said he needed his WW to limit the level of detail. His need to not hear some things was the BH controlling the answers.

I read on a affair forum years ago where a WW was trying to recover her marriage post dday. She was NC with the OM and trying to do what she thought was needed for her BH to heal.

This WW was unhappy because her sex life with her BH was in the toilet for quite some time post dday. She wanted to get it back to where it was with her BH.

She new she had to be honest. So when asked if they had sex the WW told her BH everything without allowing her BH to prompt how much more details were needed.

The OM's equipment was double the size of her BH's.
The sex with the OM was the best ever.
The OM made her scream and moan loudly.
The OM would last an hour each time before he O'd
The OM could repeat his 1 hour rides three times a night with the WW.

She was honest.
She was brutal.
She took the control away from her BH to decide the level of detail that he could handle and needed to hear.

That poster shortly stopped posting. Bad enough she had an affair on her BH. She did not have to destroy her BH in his own bedroom. Before she had a marriage with sex, now she had a BH that her truth crushed so bad there may never be sex in that marriage again.

She could of been honest and not be brutal, learned from her mistake and would never have an affair again but may have destroyed things so bad with her brutal truth when she could of been honest without being brutal.

It's called using tack and good judgement when telling the truth to her BH following his lead to how much detail to divulge.


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## softballmom (Aug 22, 2012)

Wow, there is alot of commentary on this. So I will skip replying to each individual and just update up til the now. So far, we have had little discussion about the confession I made. He is still saying he knows what he needs to know and that he was committed to our marriage. I have asked about him having an affair, he reply was a resounding No. I also asked if he was sure about his committment, could he possibly be staying with me until its an appropriate time to leave the relationship to which he said no. I believe him, but I am not so confident at this time. Obviously given the circumstance of the past week. I have mixed feelings about these things. Part of me isnt wanting to rock the boat and part of me is wondering if he would tell me the truth. Which is a hard concept to swallow considering the confession that I just made. So for the now, we are doing alright all things considered. Its just getting hard to act "normal". So do I think he is in denial? No, I believe he understands and accepts the information he was told. Do I think he is ignoring things, to a certain extent, but I dont want to push and I want him to move at his own pace, with me willing to answer any questions he may have when he is ready to ask. I think since he's not asking any questions that has me concerned more than anything. Not so much details per say, but just anything. He swears hes be so happy with me this year, that he doesnt feel the need to regress into unhappiness ( not those exact words, but its basically the translation).


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

theroad said:


> Another poster that needs to have their reading comprehension skills tested.
> 
> What I have said is that the WW has to let the BH control how much detail is revealed. She has to be honest and follow her BH lead as to what details she reveals.
> 
> ...


I may not be fluent in english, and if suggesting that I can't read either makes you feel better, go ahead.

Thanks for elaborating, it helps me understand your point a bit better. The details are part of the truth, you may like it or not, but that's how it is. Try to to reread your own post and replace "details" or "level of detail" with "the truth".

We are all different in what we want to know. For some it is about denial, for others it's just that they simply don't care what happened. I care, and I am trying not to deny the facts either.

Your post doesn't reveal if you have betrayed or not. I have. I can tell you that to me it was not knowing the truth that drove me crazy. The trickle truth. The sense that my wife lived a totally different reality than me. And I had to drag everything out from her, bit by bit, because she thought "the truth would hurt me..." Well the truth can certainly be brutal, so can life it self. That doesn't mean you need to live a lie.

Now that we both know exactly what happened, at least i think so, we can decide if we can go on together and what it will take to get beyond this. I just had to know, that's just how I am. You may not be like me, OP's husband may not, but I am.

Take your example. If my wife had lived this double life because she couldn't live without equipment double my size, there would not be any point in trying to rebuild, because I can't enlarge to double my size. Time to move on.

But if she instead says: "Well, he sexted me, I liked that", this is something we can work on. She may even disclose some of the text details, so I can get it right.

Often the devil is in the detail. I want to know the details so I can fight the devil. Everyone is entitled to be different than me, but this is me and my opinion. It may not be the truth or facts to you, but OP may take opinions and use whatever she can from them. 

And that's the point, isn't it?


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

cpacan said:


> I may not be fluent in english, and if suggesting that I can't read either makes you feel better, go ahead.
> 
> Thanks for elaborating, it helps me understand your point a bit better. The details are part of the truth, you may like it or not, but that's how it is. Try to to reread your own post and replace "details" or "level of detail" with "the truth".


Your Eng is good

My reading comp is sarcasm because you missed my point

Yes there are those that have to know every detail, those most, those that don't want to hear more that the affair is over, there is NC, and the WS is not going to leave the BS for the OP.

For you to get every detail was the right thing for you. It is not the right thing for all.

Truth denied the BS will haunt the BS 30+ years post dday.

There is no one correct level of truth.

The BS is the one that controls how much they want to hear.

The truth that a BH,BW has no control over is that the WH,WW must confess that they had/having and affair, OM,OW gave the WH,WW a STD, the OM maybe the bio dad, the WH had a OC with the OW.

The STD because the BS life has been placed at risk due to health reasons.

That there was an affair, and potential paternity issues with an OC/other child, because to not tell would force the BS to live a lie.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

softballmom said:


> Wow, there is alot of commentary on this. So I will skip replying to each individual and just update up til the now. So far, we have had little discussion about the confession I made. He is still saying he knows what he needs to know and that he was committed to our marriage. I have asked about him having an affair, he reply was a resounding No. I also asked if he was sure about his committment, could he possibly be staying with me until its an appropriate time to leave the relationship to which he said no. I believe him, but I am not so confident at this time. Obviously given the circumstance of the past week. I have mixed feelings about these things. Part of me isnt wanting to rock the boat and part of me is wondering if he would tell me the truth. Which is a hard concept to swallow considering the confession that I just made. So for the now, we are doing alright all things considered. Its just getting hard to act "normal". So do I think he is in denial? No, I believe he understands and accepts the information he was told. Do I think he is ignoring things, to a certain extent, but I dont want to push and I want him to move at his own pace, with me willing to answer any questions he may have when he is ready to ask. I think since he's not asking any questions that has me concerned more than anything. Not so much details per say, but just anything. He swears hes be so happy with me this year, that he doesnt feel the need to regress into unhappiness ( not those exact words, but its basically the translation).


Don't force your BH to talk about the affair.
Don't be surprised 6 months from now your BH starts asking questions non stop. Remember he is shell shocked. His mind can't function even enough to figure what to ask at this time.

Get the book Survivng An Affair, by Dr Harley


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I may have missed this but have you two started MC? An A is like a wound and he maybe in shock and not knowing how to respond has tried to sweep it uner the rug.

If he does not want to go to MC you start it without him. He will go at somepoint.

It really sounds like he does not want to really acknowledge what has happend and thats not good, but you are right it needs to be at his pace and not yours.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Wazza said:


> NO!!!
> 
> As the BS you are torn....you need to know the truth but then it tortures you with triggers and mind movies.
> 
> ...


And not wanting to know the details is serious denial, read on the forum all the women who've been betrayed by their husbands, most don't want to know the details. Many are stay at home moms who have devoted their life to their husbands and children, and really feel they have to stay and keep the family together, and they've never worked since marrying. If they knew the details, it would destroy them. It's just a way of dealing with the pain I suppose.

Rugsweeping is just ignoring the whole darn affair, and going about your life like nothing has happened, and actually allowing the WS walk all over the BS, and they accept it. We see this all the time on the forum.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

working_together said:


> And not wanting to know the details is serious denial, read on the forum all the women who've been betrayed by their husbands, most don't want to know the details. Many are stay at home moms who have devoted their life to their husbands and children, and really feel they have to stay and keep the family together, and they've never worked since marrying. If they knew the details, it would destroy them. It's just a way of dealing with the pain I suppose.
> 
> Rugsweeping is just ignoring the whole darn affair, and going about your life like nothing has happened, and actually allowing the WS walk all over the BS, and they accept it. We see this all the time on the forum.


My intellect is tiny and your post has exceeded its capacity.

Are you saying that anyone whop doesn't dig out every last detail is in denial? In which case I respectfully disagree.

When I have enough information to satisfy me and make informed decisions about the future of the relationship, that's enough.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Wazza said:


> My intellect is tiny and your post has exceeded its capacity.
> 
> Are you saying that anyone whop doesn't dig out every last detail is in denial? In which case I respectfully disagree.
> 
> When I have enough information to satisfy me and make informed decisions about the future of the relationship, that's enough.


You're a good guy, Waz, but I don't agree. Every time your WS comes out with some new bit of info about the affair, it's going to be like a new D-day, with all that entails. So lets see a show of hands of people who want repeated d-days? If you know ALL, then there is only one D-day, and you won't have to worry about all of the mind movies and anxiety that there maybe more.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Badblood said:


> You're a good guy, Waz, but I don't agree. Every time your WS comes out with some new bit of info about the affair, it's going to be like a new D-day, with all that entails. So lets see a show of hands of people who want repeated d-days? If you know ALL, then there is only one D-day, and you won't have to worry about all of the mind movies and anxiety that there maybe more.


No longer anxious there may be more. The mind movies that I get happen when they happen.

I will never know the full truth and i don't need to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

softballmom said:


> Wow, there is alot of commentary on this. So I will skip replying to each individual and just update up til the now. So far, we have had little discussion about the confession I made. He is still saying he knows what he needs to know and that he was committed to our marriage. I have asked about him having an affair, he reply was a resounding No. I also asked if he was sure about his committment, could he possibly be staying with me until its an appropriate time to leave the relationship to which he said no. I believe him, but I am not so confident at this time. Obviously given the circumstance of the past week. I have mixed feelings about these things. Part of me isnt wanting to rock the boat and part of me is wondering if he would tell me the truth. Which is a hard concept to swallow considering the confession that I just made. So for the now, we are doing alright all things considered. Its just getting hard to act "normal". So do I think he is in denial? No, I believe he understands and accepts the information he was told. Do I think he is ignoring things, to a certain extent, but I dont want to push and I want him to move at his own pace, with me willing to answer any questions he may have when he is ready to ask. I think since he's not asking any questions that has me concerned more than anything. Not so much details per say, but just anything. He swears hes be so happy with me this year, that he doesnt feel the need to regress into unhappiness ( not those exact words, but its basically the translation).


I understand your husband's point of view. I, too, didn't want to hear anything about the affair, other than it happened with another man. I asked who is he and how many times, and that's all.

I didn't want to know because I didn't want to deal with the mental torture of trying to sort the truth of lies, and I couldn't believe her anyway so why the bother.
I would also regret asking her for details if she told me that he was better than me.

Your husband has enough details for him to deal with, and that's what should be important to your eyes.


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