# Where do I go from here-after finding him chatting online



## marriedwith1 (Nov 2, 2011)

I just found out my husband has been chatting online with different women for over a year! Recently he's been talking to one particular woman on the internet and on the phone. He's been sending and receiving pictures. 
Our marriage has been on the rocks for awhile. We are having major communication issues. Lack of sex(I didn't know he wanted it all the time, and I didn't initiate it). We had a baby about a year ago and I became resentful because I felt I wasn't getting the help I needed. I know I wasn't a perfect wife, I didn't have sex enough, didn't tell I loved him enough, we don't hardly touch each other.

We both want to be married not only for the little one, but because we love each other. Right now his flame is burnt out and I'm so sad and hurt that I can hardly function. What do we do to regain our intimacy and trust????


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## Jasminaa (Nov 2, 2011)

Put an internet block on the computer. If you are too curious I think you can get a keylogger to see exactly what he is typing - but prepared to see shocking stuff. Guys don't chat "just for fun" there's always something they want.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Did you confront him on his emotional affairs yet?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

When I found out my husband was doing that I kicked him out that very day. That was in March 2010. Today we are together and happier than ever.

Your husband is trying to screw someone else. You need to hit him with a 2 x 4. Figuratively, of course.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

You have to confront him on it and talk all your issues out.


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## Happyfeet (Nov 3, 2011)

Tell him the truth. Tell him what you found and you are willing to work it out.


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## marriedwith1 (Nov 2, 2011)

I have confronted him. He first told me he is no longer in love with me but he still loves me. He also says we r too different he has mo idea how it can work. We've now had long discussions but I'm still not sure that he realizes how much he hurt me. I'm not convinced that he truly knows that it's wrong and that is not how to handle marital problems. He acts as a child and I feel like I'm the one trying to make up with him like I'm the one who caused all the pain. I think he is still in love with me but we've been fighting for so long it's hard to step back and see that.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

This is something I have said over and over again. My wife told me that she was no longer in love with me. The reality is that she had the idea that she was in love with someone else. Being "in love" is a fantasy that stems from the beginning of a new relationship. You know, the time when people hide to go to the bathroom, spray air freshener and wait before coming out... The time when everything is magical and new. Over time, those things wear off. It is just a fact of life. Eventually, you will probably go into the bathroom and leave the door open without regard to whether or not the other person knows what you are doing in there.

The excitement of something new has become something "normal", which closely parallels "Boring". The person on the Internet, the co-worker or other person that is stumbled upon is looked upon as new and exciting. Many times, an EA begins when one begins to "vent" or talk about their "troubles" with someone of the opposite sex, seeking "input" or a sympathetic ear. This leads to the thought process of "This person really understands me" which leads to the flirting with the idea of something more.

Having said all of this, most failing relationships can be resurrected by returning to the roots of the relationship. Take boring and convert it back into exciting. Make an effort to go out and do the things that brought you together in the first place. remember that relationships are built and strengthened on shared experience. If you no longer share experiences, you can no longer grow your relationship. 

This is what makes us grow apart. If you don't feed your dog, he will go to the neighbors. Similarly, if you don't feed your relationship what it needs, it will also become astray. Now, I am not condoning this behavior, but it is in our nature. Being "in love" with someone is nothing more than a state of mind at that moment in time. It can (and will) change, but at the same time, it can also change back.

I have complete confidence that given the right set of variables, this situation can be turned around and be headed into the right direction.

Good luck and please let us know how this works out.


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## marriedwith1 (Nov 2, 2011)

moogvo said:


> This is something I have said over and over again. My wife told me that she was no longer in love with me. The reality is that she had the idea that she was in love with someone else. Being "in love" is a fantasy that stems from the beginning of a new relationship. You know, the time when people hide to go to the bathroom, spray air freshener and wait before coming out... The time when everything is magical and new. Over time, those things wear off. It is just a fact of life. Eventually, you will probably go into the bathroom and leave the door open without regard to whether or not the other person knows what you are doing in there.
> 
> The excitement of something new has become something "normal", which closely parallels "Boring". The person on the Internet, the co-worker or other person that is stumbled upon is looked upon as new and exciting. Many times, an EA begins when one begins to "vent" or talk about their "troubles" with someone of the opposite sex, seeking "input" or a sympathetic ear. This leads to the thought process of "This person really understands me" which leads to the flirting with the idea of something more.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedwith1 (Nov 2, 2011)

Thank you so much forth thoughtful response. I think we can fix our marriage but I'm not sure I want to anymore because I don't think he'll ever change. I'll keep you posted how things work out once I get off the emotional roller coaster.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedwith1 (Nov 2, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> When I found out my husband was doing that I kicked him out that very day. That was in March 2010. Today we are together and happier than ever.
> 
> Your husband is trying to screw someone else. You need to hit him with a 2 x 4. Figuratively, of course.


How did you go from kicking him out to where you are today? He won't go to counseling and he won't get the heck out!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, he knew he screwed up and was sorry right from the get go. I told him to get the hell out, he did. I told him to get some counseling, he did. I told him he was buying me a new computer, he did. He tried to move back home but I was adamant - he finally got his own place and lived there for 5 months. He kept paying all the bills for both places too. He knew what he did was very very wrong, and it didn't take long for the fog to lift for him.

Meanwhile I went to IC and figured out that I was willing to give him another chance. We started MC and I laid eyes on him for the first time in 2 1/2 months. He was surprised I was willing to work with him but he saw it for the gift it was and has been working super hard on things with me.

If he was not doing everything he can to make amends I would not be with him. He is not sorry he got caught, he is sorry he did what he did and has committed to being a better person and a much better husband. I have committed to be a better wife and together we have committed to build a new and better marriage.


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## brazerkus (Oct 6, 2011)

I just started seeing a therapist who suggested I not talk to the idiot in "strategic" language. He recommends the language of intimacy, which is just to express myself in terms of my feelings: I get hurt when you do that; I am sad; I am scared and lonely...He says when we spray RAID on a relationship, it effectively kills it (RAID= Reasoning, Interpreting, Advising, Debating). I don't know what I am going to do becasue my husband refuses to stop. Our situation is complicated further because we are business partners too. I contacted a lawyer to get some advice about what a divorce might look like and entail.

Confront your husband and tell him how you feel. He has a responsibility to you and your child, and that is the uber most important thing - maintaining a safe environment for your kid. Let him know that it is NOT OK for him to hurt you.


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