# How do I find Me?



## sandyf (Apr 14, 2009)

So, it has been nearly two months since I have been here. I will ramble a bit so anyone that reads this will know where I am. If you don't care about all the history, just scroll to the bottom to my actual question.

I filed for divorce on November 4. My husband decided alcohol was more important than his family, but really our problems went way beyond that. I am feeling so much better now that he is out of my life. Things are screwed up financially. I have had to borrow a lot of money from my mom that I will probably never be able to pay back. But, in the process of all of this, I have found that I do have some pretty amazing people in my life and I feel very lucky. I know that this is the beginning of a much happier life for me.

One very unexpected thing that happened - I heard from an old high school friend. The way it all happened is like something out of the Twilight Zone, but - let's just say we are becoming very close. He does not currently live near me and there are more complicated details that I won't bore you with, but the thing is - he is everything my husband was not. He is kind, caring, supportive. He is a grown up. He is somebody I can actually talk with. He very much wants to give me the time, space and support that I need to heal after 25 years of unhappiness.

So - here is the question... how do I find me? How do I learn to deal with emotions I have been told to suppress for 25 years? Does anyone have any suggestions, or ideas of books I can read about figuring out who I am? Not the me I was when I was trying to please my husband - be the me I really am? The me that can now do what she wants. I feel so scared and clueless - like I am looking for something, but I have no idea what it is. Now that I am free - what do I do with my freedom?

Thanks!

Sandy


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I would begin by making a list of things (little or big) that you want to do in life. 

Begin reading some self help books. Something that strikes your interest. You don't have to take all of the advice but it gives you something to think about.

If you have access to individual counseling, find a good counselor and go for it. It can help you sort through the details of your life.

Then, give yourself time. This is all new and will be for a few years to come. 

I'm glad you are feeling better.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

sandyf the world has 6 billion+ people in it. The odds that the "perfect one" for you went to your high school all those years ago is pretty unlikely. Of course he's "all the things your husband wasn't." A stick is also bouyant, but it still doesn't make it my first choice as a survival flotation device. 

That being said, if you throw me into the middle of the ocean, I will cling to that stick like my shadow, because it's better than what I had...nothing.

Give yourself time to heal sandyf, and by all means avoid any further emotional entanglements until the waters of your soul have had some time to still. The worst time to go shopping is when you are hungry. 

Take a good long time and go feed yourself. Then and ony when you are ready, "go shopping". Trust me, if it's a good store, it'll still be open when the right time comes. LIL


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You find yourself first, by being alone for a while-months, a year or two. There is no way to find "you" when you are trying to establish "us" with a new guy in your life. Definitely work with a therapist, at least twice a month, to get some guidance, feedback, and perspective. It will be very difficult to let go of the new guy, but if you don't, you won't find yourself and you won't learn to love yourself as a happy, unattached person who will be strong enough to stand alone and unwilling to make bad compromises just for the sake of a relationship. I've been working on this for 6 months and it feels so good to know I am so happy alone. Good luck.


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