# Need to protect myself and kids? Irrational WW(DW?)



## howto (Nov 13, 2012)

I know this is sporatically composed, mostly speech to text on my phone.
Wife of 8 years 2 kids, 6 and 2, turns into angry beligerant mess, turns out she's cheating hardcore for 3 months and started with emotional affair before that possibly. Wedding ring has come off.
Need to know which order to proceed. 
I am thinking :
Legal consult.
Bank acct, PO box.
Expose....or do I?* Undoubtedly that will be low blow, really outrage her as in order of protection, unforgivable in her eyes and make her hate me forever . She has said that she knows that I'm gonna tell everybody she the reason we ended our marriage because of her cheating and not that it's because I was inattentive, took het for granted, put myself first,etc. She spoke all those common sayings and made me feel like dirt before I found out. She had me swearing I would change and put her first, prioritize and apologize repentantly for losing site of my love of my life. She sprung it on me all of a sudden and tried to say it's been this way for the past 3 years and I just never changed even though she tried to tell me too. She cheated while we dated before marriage and now her behavior is identical. Sure enough, overwhelming evidence and hardcore proof it's not just the 1 long distance main guy, but also hooking up local old flames. The main guy is amongst several friends who support her, undoubtedly helped by my wife's blatant lies that I am terrible to her.* They're also stabbing me in the back because they were quote friends with me too. I have hung out with the new main guy in the past when we visited the group of friends.
She has violent anger reactions to anything I do regarding proving to her I know and or telling her family and "turning them against her".
For example, she got a prepaid cell phone so I could not look up the shared account text message logs anymore. She left a brand new Samsung micro USB charger sitting next to her bed so I knew she had it. She said I'm not supposed to know about that and that her aunt suggested she get it because everyone deserves a little privacy. Go ahead call her she said.....so i did when she went out. She came home and caught me on the phone with the aunt and completely blew her top and went to extremes at me. "Your an a-hole, how dare you turn my family against me, ready? I do not love you anymore. I do not want to be married to you anymore. Tell your parents we are over. Get a lawyer"

I have been crushed my heart shattered my soul stolen. The girl I chose to spend the rest of my life with has bailed out on me after 8 yrs of starting a family and a home. Sure money is tight and we have communication issues,....but to me those are par for the course. Good times , bad times, richer or poorer.My primary sadness is that I work so hard to build this family dream . Our kids are product of an agreement for a future that she is now taking away without looking back.
Currently, I am post d day and in limbo....living under the same roof., status quo to all out family and friends, just living under a veil of infidelity. She knows I know. I sleep in the basement. She wants to keep up some small talk about daily activity but I find it hard to, knowing what I know...seeing what I have.

Utimately we will end up .....NOT together. I can't trust her ever again. I forgave her for the dating cheating. Breaking Vows is a deal breaker for me, plus she's the 1 saying she doesn't want to make this work.
I always thought of divorce as out of bounds, not an option, that no matter what I would be willing to live with it to keep the family together and things normal. I'm so confused now I don't even know if I hurt? I feel compelling drive to just keep gathering this evidence to thrown in her face and can't look past it even though I already know. I know on a surface there's no point in pursuing the issue anymore* because I should just move on. But I'm afraid of her a rational repercussion and reactions. My fear is I'm going to lose this battle no matter how right I am because it's a no fault state.
I WILL NOT be kept away from my kids. I did not do this and wont be punished. Bad enough I'd been refused sex starting 3 months ago, but have not pursued since I found out this information (blessing in disguise)


I Have no other care options for 2 kids ages 6 and 2, but she does good job mothering. Holidays are coming up and that's gonna kill me and have turbulence. 
I get emotional rushes every commercial I see about heart wrenching things because it makes you realize how short life is and I thought we were going to have eaxhother to have and to hold through all the things life brings....now, looks like that's gone. She says she misses the old us too, but thinks I'll never change back to someone she enjoys being with. Maybe I wouldn't.

Seeking legal consultation first time on Friday. Want to be civil but I tend to be friendly or cold. . She has said we should go to counseling to learn to communicate for bringing up the kids albeit separately. 2 marriage counseling sessions a month ago but never brought up her cheating. It was more about her saying I have OCD and she can't stand me anymore. I don't want to go back because that's for mending and I don't think that's going to happen. I just don't want to expose and have her get all pseudo legal on me trying to kick me out and restraining orders etc... hence my legal consultation to know my rights.
Ultimately, like I've read on here somewhere, I'd love to tell HER to leave, but that's not going to happen. I have to work all the time and she needs to care for those kids. Plus, the house lein is in her name technically with her dad. However, she doesn't work and I am the sole income. I know her intention is to sell the house in 1 year and move away to him WITH THE KIDS. I refuse to let that happen but do not know what to do.

HELP! Questions are welcome. Again, this is all about finding this site 3 days ago, reading a bunch in this forum, feeling comforted that I'm not alone and there's text book identical situations. So I signed up, and I am reaching out. Of course its a lot crammed into a few paragraphs. Just need to hear something personally directed to me, because I have seen the responses to others and feel I am overwhelmed ....armed to the hilt, but don't know which weapon to draw first!?
Thanks in advance, you're all great for contributing to others!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Need to protect myself and kids? Irrational WW.*



> but she does good job mothering


No, she doesn't. Not really. Because she is not only cheating on their daddy, she is cheating on them, too.

Expose. All of them. Get a VAR to protect yourself from false accusations and get lawyered up.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

*Re: Need to protect myself and kids? Irrational WW.*

Howto,

I suspect you are not going to like the advice you get here. Prepare yourself to get some pretty blunt feedback. There are no positives you have mentioned. Your wife is callous at best and I would advise you to forget about her, expose her to the family and prepare to move on. She is not going to make this easy on you I am sure but you have to be the example for your kids to keep grounded and above the fray.


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## howto (Nov 13, 2012)

How does the recorder protect me? Like What's the example of something she might say? I don't want this second question to be the only focus though, I really need answers on the first post.
Lawyer first, expose then? 
Endure the wrath and live with her as the mother of my children forever hating me? I feel like we need to at least be able to be civil.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Well, if she's particularly nasty, she could accuse you of a crime like abuse or rape or ..... She could be very callous and threaten to take away the kids or blackmail you or whatever. Catch it on tape and your lawyer can use it to paint a realistic portrait of her to the judge that will be deciding your fate and the divorce. Or it could be used to play for the police when they come to arrest you on a domestic dispute that might threaten your custody rights.

Very useful thing you should have to protect yourself.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She seems too far gone.

Lawyer yesterday
VAR everywhere with you
Gathering evidence

JMO exposure is optional depending on your plans. If the plan is divorce (it seems there's no more option) you can wait to expose later. Stil you don't have to protect her anymore.

Start detaching emotionaly, taylor the 180 so you don't feed more drama at home.
The Healing Heart: The 180
Just Let Them Go


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## howto (Nov 13, 2012)

I feel like I need to set the record straight with family and friends that I'm not what she might portray me as ( most people know what she'd say is uncharacteristic of me). Many of them know she has a history of lying anyway. Its really so maybe they can help me out with the kids, as well as the sheer fact its the truth I think should be told, and I want her to feel like crap for hurting me and blowing what we had with her selfish choice Thanks so far for the replies. Any legal knowledge as far as if she can kick me out of my own home, or if I take access to money away, claim like neglect or something? That's a concern.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

howto said:


> I feel like I need to set the record straight with family and friends that I'm not what she might portray me as ( most people know what she'd say is uncharacteristic of me). Many of them know she has a history of lying anyway. Its really so maybe they can help me out with the kids, as well as the sheer fact its the truth I think should be told, and I want her to feel like crap for hurting me and blowing what we had with her selfish choice Thanks so far for the replies. Any legal knowledge as far as if she can kick me out of my own home, or if I take access to money away, claim like neglect or something? That's a concern.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Separate the money take half out of the joint acct. you can do this put in your name only and no she can't kick you out keep a var on you so she can't lie.And expose to everyone yes expose!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Separate money, cancel joint credit cards, carry a var on you and expose the cheating.

Le her he mad, the minute she crosses a line, announce you have a voice recorde , you are recording her, and anything she says from now on is being recorded with her consent and knowledge. Then do not touch her, but verbally describe everything she does. As in you hit my arm, you punched my head. Please stop this attack. Then, you call the police. Report her assaulting you, the recording should be admissible.

Get an RO against her.

Go for full custody and child support.

Post her and all the OM on cheaterville.com, if any have wives. Contact the OMW and expose.

Next go find a much better woman, realizing she's set the bar so ow that Rosie ODonnel would be an upgrade.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Ugh... Family and friends know you well enough that they probably won’t buy into her bull. However, you need to recognize that Family Services, the Police, and the Family Courts have no idea who you are and they will be making some very big life decisions for you unless you protect yourself. It sucks, but I even had to spend six months of my life making sure I always had an alibi since my wife told her friends/family I was going to murder her, and privately told me she was going to kill herself if I didn’t comply with her demands (thus framing me)... Rational thought IS NOT common with waywards deep in the fog. I ignored the threat, but took steps just in case she was that looney.

As for the home, who stays, assets, etc. Talk to your lawyer. You really need to get it through your head that at this point, your wife is only looking out for herself and very well may want to hurt you even more.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

howto said:


> g.
> 
> 
> I Have no other care options for 2 kids ages 6 and 2, but she does good job mothering.


I was not a good father when in my affairs. I neglected my wife and grown children. 

My attention was scattered too far and not focused on the family that should have been my priority. 

An affair of any kind takes you out of family mode and when out of the mode, we are not good family members.


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Separate money, cancel joint credit cards, carry a var on you and expose the cheating.
> 
> Le her he mad, the minute she crosses a line, announce you have a voice recorde , you are recording her, and anything she says from now on is being recorded with her consent and knowledge. Then do not touch her, but verbally describe everything she does. As in you hit my arm, you punched my head. Please stop this attack. Then, you call the police. Report her assaulting you, the recording should be admissible.
> 
> ...


Totally agree shaggy, 

except the Rosie O'Donnel part. I'd take rosie over my much better looking narcissist wife any day if rosie was a good, mentallly healthy person, and yeaah if I was a girl too.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Gathering evidence, via VAR/email/text logs/etc, is no for the divorce 'fault' but will help in establishing which parent is more tuned in. 

Do as much as you can in the kids' lives right now - drop them off at school, pick them up, make them dinner, tuck them in. Make those established routines by YOU. Those are the things that courts and judges want to know later. 

Give her the freedom to hang herself with the OM. Don't interfere or try to block it or mention anything further on it.

Right now, you're focused on you, your life and your kids. Get to that attorney asap.


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