# Help I am maried to a compulsive liar



## magic (Aug 11, 2011)

OK here goes. I posted comments on several threads but I too have a problem. My wife and I are going on 20 years of marriage. My wife is a compulsive liar. She consistently omits and leaves things out and insists she is not lying. She says if I simply ask her the right questions she would disclose the truth? There are many times she did'nt think it was important for me to know about an event or be in the loop. She has opened up credit card accounts for thousands of dollars without my knowledge and had to file bankruptcy as a result. She claims she spent the money on the children,clothes etc. We recently had a huge blow up where she was having the kids intercept the mail for her before I got home from work. She did this because she did not want me to know about a speeding ticket. There is no reason for her to lie - I am not abusive - I have never hit her or verbally abused her. I try hard to be a good husband and father but I am not perfect. My wife lies when there is no reason to lie. She admits she has a problem but does not want to do anything about it. When we have discussed this issue she said she feels no guilt and does not care how this has affected me. We have had discussions about ending our marriage but she says she wants to stay in the relationship but can not promise she won't lie in the future. I do love her and our children but I am stresses beyond belief. I am still considering leaving the marriage. Not sure what to do at this point?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's how she's learned to cope. Someone in her life made her feel bad about every decision she's ever made and she learned to lie/omit information so to not rock the boat.

I dated someone like this. He was scared of "getting caught" so he would lie all.the.time about the DUMBEST shet.

It's just immaturity. They don't know how to own their crap. They're too scared of "getting in trouble". Immature. Not grown up in their mind. Someone didn't let them feel secure in themselves.

My kids do this...."Who ate the cookies??" And as they are munching on one, they say, "What cookies?" Yea.

My students do this..."Stop talking, please."......."I wasn't talking. I was asking for a pencil."

/facepalm


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## fredless (Jun 12, 2011)

Well, it appears you have two choices if your wife is unwilling to make any changes:

1. Accept the behavior

2. End the marriage

It is possible that if you seriously begin to end your marriage your wife will realize that her lying is a problem that you are no longer willing to accept. At that point, she may decide to make necessary changes. Then again, she may not. For me, the marital foundation must consist of trust. It would be difficult, but I'd be making plans to end the marriage.


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## magic (Aug 11, 2011)

The thought of ending the marriage used to scare the hell out of me, but not anymore. I understand that no one can be absolutly truthful all the time but there needs to be an element of truth in a marriage which we do not have. I am not happy. I feel stressed and angry.


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## magic (Aug 11, 2011)

that girl - You called it - someone did make her unhappy when she was growing up her father was verbally abusive.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

magic said:


> that girl - You called it - someone did make her unhappy when she was growing up her father was verbally abusive.


There you go. To cope with her father, she learned to lie to be what he wanted, HOPING he would not abuse her.

It was easy to call...I have seen it many times.


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## magic (Aug 11, 2011)

I have always told her that she can be truthful with me without the fear of abuse. I am not like her father. When she does tell me important things I do not fly off the handle. It seems the lying is just something she needs to deal with but won't or does'nt want to.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She doesn't think it's a problem. To her, it's just how she is.


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## magic (Aug 11, 2011)

Thats pretty much what she said. I wish I could just ignore the lies - she is a great mother and wife (with the exception of this one huge problem).

"We place the most trust in the person who is most likely to deceive us."


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, lying is too much work.

She needs to deal with this issue.


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## magic (Aug 11, 2011)

Its exhausting - it feels like the life has been drained from my body.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

magic said:


> She admits she has a problem but does not want to do anything about it. When we have discussed this issue she said she feels no guilt and does not care how this has affected me. We have had discussions about ending our marriage but she says she wants to stay in the relationship but can not promise she won't lie in the future.


You've got your answer. I am only guessing here, but it sounds like your stress may come from your fear to end the marriage. After all, she does have her good points. On the other hand, it's more than the mere lying that would bother me; it's the fact that she DOES NOT CARE that it's hurting you and causing you major stress. 

I see her lack of empathy for you to be a far more compelling reason to leave than just her lying. It's the way she operates, and she doesn't care to change it. Apparently, she is telling you that you are not worth the effort for her to make the change. That, in itself, would make me want to leave.


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