# Do I have any hope?



## lonelymountain (Mar 19, 2012)

So I got married less than a year ago and about 8 months ago we started having problems. After getting married I became extremly inscure and drove my wife away. Last weekend was our middle sons birthday and I completly messed up. So this Tuesday my wife told me she wants a divorce. We have another therapy meeting on the 17th of next month. I am seeking therapy on my own as I am completly lost. Part of me thinks that I can redeem myself and is trying my very best to change myself in this month of time. While the other part of myself is completely feels like its over. The part that is really messing with me is last sunday when we were doing our finaces she told me that I was the only one that she wanted. And it was so heartfelt that even that night realized that I didnt need to know more than that to trust my wife. And then it turns out that the next tuesday she tells me she wants a divorce.
And to give some more information when I got insecure I started accusing her of cheating on me and being really emotionally needy. You see my wife isnt the type to be that way and she didnt marry me because I was that way. When I realized that she meant more to me than anything I realized at some point how vunerable I was to being hurt by her and this drove me crazy. So when I started being all needy she started pulling away from me. Which of course made me more insecure and drove her away further. 
I have never messed around on her. So when I say I messed up our middle sons birthday I mean that I brought the relationship to the birthday party when at our therapy session I promised not too. You see we have been going to therapy for six months and I have been making these promises at the sessions to stop being so hyper focused on the relationship. The problem was I didnt understand how to work against these problems. 
The truly sad part was last weekend when I heard her tell me that I was the only one she wanted. I realized that I needed to just let go of my worries and trust her. I had wrote up a list of actions for our next therapy session and one of them was to not talk for a week so that I could get my head on straight. Then that Tuesday is when she told me she wanted the divorce. I pleaded with her to hold off her choice until our next therapy session which is the middle of next month. My therapist told me not to contact her at all. So I am doing that.
I have to add that she was crying and heartfelt when she told me that she wanted a divorce. And when we were leaving as she was walking away I called her name and she turned around and I hugged her and she said to me that she was so sorry and started crying. Then we both couldnt handle it and left our sepreate ways.


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## jtango80 (Mar 19, 2012)

Hey,

I'm really sorry about your predicament. We all have situations we don't want to be in, and unfortunately I am in the same boat, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

Insecurity is a relationship killer, because it stems from one of the very foundations of any long-term committed relationship, Trust.

The thing that you need to realize is that if you are having suspicions that she is cheating on you, or you are overly jealous, or whatever your case may or may not be. These issues stem from within you, not your wife, and being insecure is one of the biggest turn offs. She choose to marry you and if she is willing to destroy a marriage by making a bad decision, then you would be better off without her anyways, more than likely.

I think what you need to do is identify with your issues and work on fixing yourself. You need to respect yourself enough and value your worth enough to feel confident in your stance in the relationship. IF you feel you don't meet her needs, these can be toxic to your environment. 

You never accuse your wife of infidelity unless you are absolute sure you have clear justification or substantiating evidence to corroborate such a claim. Though, honestly.. I think this issue simply stems from your lack of self-esteem.

If you want this to work you need to tell her that you love her, and that you want this to work. Then go and fix yourself. By demonstrating positive actions and reinforcing this good behavior you are loving her more than you could possibly know.

Love isn't about 4 letters, or a word, it's about positive reinforcement through action. When you accuse your wife of cheating, you tell her you don't love her. 

You need to provide some clear cut evidence that you can be independent and strong and don't depend on her. Co-depencies break things, and is a vicious cycles. The last thing you want to do is justify staying in a relationship is because you NEED them. The fact is, you don't need them, but your life is better for knowing them, and all you can do is embrace the opportunity and time you have spent together a give her some space.

See where it goes from there,

This may have no correlation with what you were taking about, or describing and if that is the case, I do apologize, but I hope it offers you some peace of mind, or advice on how you can approach the future.

Good Luck to you and I wish you the very best in your future endeavors.


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## lonelymountain (Mar 19, 2012)

That is some great advice and I great appreciate someone understanding my situation. Its so hard to know that I drove away the person that I have had the deepest bond with in my life. I did not understand what to do without getting out of the situation. I thought that I needed to focus on the relationship to fix it. Little did I understand that it was not our relationship that needed the fixing but my own mental state. I have been working with a wonderful therapist and I am coming out of the dark lonely place that I have been in for the last 9 months. I just hope that my wife see's the change and recognizes that the man she fell in love with is getting back to normal. If anyone has any suggestions on how I can reinforce this in her please feel free to state your opinion. And thanks again for the post!


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## lonelymountain (Mar 19, 2012)

Just a update. She sent me a email in regards to a finical matter today and I responded back as neutral as I could be with the sign off of I hope you are doing well. Should I not being saying stuff like that? Should I just be as business like as I can be? These are the things I dont want to mess up. I have been working so ridiculously hard on fixing the problems that lead to this situation in the last week. Now that I am outside of the situation I can see how I drove her away. I can see how unhappy I was making myself. I can see that the last nine months of my life have been some of the darkest of my life. 
I have nothing but the utmost respect for her for staying in it for as long as she did. I can see how badly I hurt her now. She truly loved or loves me. Though she may not be able to be with me anymore. I have such a strange internal dialog these past few days. My heart tells me that there is no chance that she will try again. While my logical side tells me that she isnt the type to give up on what she wants and I somehow still think that she wants me. Then my heart screams at me that I am just building up false hope and that I am going to get hurt again when what I think might happen doesn't come to pass. 
I at least can recognize my emotions now and lean into them instead of letting them rule my mind.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

lonelymountain said:


> So I got married less than a year ago and about 8 months ago we started having problems.


To rephrase. You got married less than a year ago. Let's round it to, say 11 months. 3 months into the marriage you started having major issues that led to your wife asking for a divorce. That's not good, in fact, it's very, very bad. Much worse than if you were an established couple. You barely even got started. It's not going to suddenly get better. It was a mistake. 



lonelymountain said:


> The part that is really messing with me is last sunday when we were doing our finaces she told me that I was the only one that she wanted.


Last Sunday she told you that you were the only one she wanted. 



lonelymountain said:


> Then that Tuesday is when she told me she wanted the divorce.


It appears only 2 days went by from her wanting to be with only you to 'I want to live my life without you'. At most it was a week and 2 days. Her words are meaningless. 




lonelymountain said:


> So when I started being all needy she started pulling away from me. Which of course made me more insecure and drove her away further.


Yes, that's how it works. She was attracted to your strength, your protectiveness, your independence, your self assurance. You tie the knot and immediately turn into a clingy needy sap who accuses her of cheating. You've become a totally different person.. or in her eyes, she didn't marry the guy she thought she did, the real guy came out only after she gave him the ultimate commitment. She's probably telling anyone who wants to listen that she can't believe she misjudged you so badly and jumped into marriage. 

Then again you've got at least 3 kids and you've only been married a year so the marriage was sort of inconsequential. In fact as I type this I realize that it's rather messed up that after having at least 3 kids with this woman, you only start acting all weird after you exchange rings which isn't nearly as much of a commitment as signing birth certificates. 



lonelymountain said:


> The truly sad part was last weekend when I heard her tell me that I was the only one she wanted. I realized that I needed to just let go of my worries and trust her. I had wrote up a list of actions for our next therapy session and one of them was to not talk for a week so that I could get my head on straight.


Where the heck did you come up with that strategy? After she tells you how much she wants to be with you, you decide to completely ignore her for a week and give her the silent treatment? Next time discuss this sort of thing with your therapist who will tell you that's not the way to handle this sort of thing. Who stops talking to the mother of his children for a week so they can "get their head on straight?"


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## lonelymountain (Mar 19, 2012)

Where the heck did you come up with that strategy? After she tells you how much she wants to be with you, you decide to completely ignore her for a week and give her the silent treatment? Next time discuss this sort of thing with your therapist who will tell you that's not the way to handle this sort of thing. Who stops talking to the mother of his children for a week so they can "get their head on straight?"

Actually that was my therapist idea. And the children are from another relationship. Not that lessens my attachment to the kids. And I dont even know how to respond to your statement that I showed her the real guy after we got married. Honestly that quivering mass of **** that I have been acting like for the last nine months is not me. Thats what I can see now and forgive me if I am a little grief stricken that I see what a useless puke I have been acting like. And I realize that after nine months of things going wrong that it isnt going to get better in a day. In fact I know that more than likely I have made it to where she cant be around me anymore. But that will not stop me from trying to correct the wrongs that I have done and make up for them. And at the least I will comport my self with grace and dignity that I can summon. And I am here seeking advice from people that have been through this and have had success. I am looking for information. I dont deny that alot of what you wrote might be right. But I know that already. And it was not mistake marrying my wife. I know that I wouldnt trade anything for the time that I have had with her and our kids.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

lonelymountain said:


> Actually that was my therapist idea. And the children are from another relationship. Not that lessens my attachment to the kids.


Your therapist suggested not speaking to your wife for a week after she told you she only wanted to be with you and no one else? I suggest you try another therapist even if they're not covered under your insurance plan there's much more at stake here than a few noncovered visits even if they're 4x the amount of your copay.



lonelymountain said:


> And I dont even know how to respond to your statement that I showed her the real guy after we got married. Honestly that quivering mass of **** that I have been acting like for the last nine months is not me.


How do you know that's not you? Who is it? It was in there waiting to come out that doesn't mean it isn't part of you. We've all got issues.. we deny them and bury them at our own peril until we can no longer contain them. Then something triggers it and BAM! We stand back and look at the carnage we have become and continue to deny that it is really us. It's you, and it's probably fixable but not until you come to grips with it.



lonelymountain said:


> . And it was not mistake marrying my wife. I know that I wouldnt trade anything for the time that I have had with her and our kids.


I know you wouldn't trade it. But it's not your decision right now, she's the one on the fence, not you. You want to be with her so much you've sabotoged the relationship possibly past the point of repair and your therapist with the ideas of not speaking to her for a week is just driving nails into the coffin lid.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Lonelymountain.....Not sure where I should start here because I could go on and on. You are doing the same darn thing I did and when I look back I get sick to my stomach. Look, I know you love her and you are all twisted up right now. I did the same thing. But....What I should have been doing was figuring out what I wanted out of life rather than worrying about the ex....Easier said than done, yes! You are so wrapped up right now in every little move she makes and everything she says and if you want to have even the slightest chance you have got to break free from that. 

I was alpha and independent and became a whiny, needy, pile of crap that desired attention so bad I couldn't even think straight. When I read your post I think of that, so perhaps you are not that way right now. When you start thinking clear you are going to regret it, whether you guys make it or divorce. 

I have vowed never to need anyone again. You do not need your wife. You want her, sure, but you are putting her on too high of a pedestal, like I did. Back off a little and learn to have the attitude of "if it works out then wonderful but if it doesn't it is not the end of the world." Once again, take this with a grain of salt because I only reached this point after the divorce! 

Stay strong, dude....


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Paradise said:


> I have vowed never to need anyone again. You do not need your wife. You want her, sure, but you are putting her on too high of a pedestal, like I did. Back off a little and learn to have the attitude of "if it works out then wonderful but if it doesn't it is not the end of the world." Once again, take this with a grain of salt because I only reached this point after the divorce!
> 
> Stay strong, dude....


I have adopted a similar attitude. Unlike you I never did the needy clingy thing.. my marriage went bad and we both pretty much walked away from it after a brief attempt to save it with counseling, there was no infidelity just two people that grew apart and couldn't figure out how to get along anymore.

Anyway I didn't "vow" anything about not needing someone else, it's more like I've learned to be comfortable on my own. I've become a bit of a commitmentphobe, having been in relationships from 2 months to 2 years, never getting so attached that I couldn't pull the plug and walk away.. which I have done 3x already.. 

It's more a matter of not needing someone else to make you complete and keeping part of yourself at a safe emotional distance so no one can have a devastating effect on you. Some will argue that you can "never find love" and you'll hurt yourself more than help yourself by not ever experiencing the real thrill of a deep relationship filled with 100% giving from both parties. To that I say I don't give a rat's ass, I have found my balance and it rests squarely on my own shoulders.

I've had several women fall in love with me and unfortunately for them they didn't take being dumped very well but that's a whole different story.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

hisfac....

That is essentially what I'm saying here. I was always kind of the independent type of guy in a relationship. Still have no freaking clue why I changed in my marriage. I end up chasing bunny rabbits every time I try to figure that out. 

Anyway, not going to hijack mountain's thread here.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Paradise said:


> hisfac....
> 
> That is essentially what I'm saying here. I was always kind of the independent type of guy in a relationship. Still have no freaking clue why I changed in my marriage. I end up chasing bunny rabbits every time I try to figure that out.


You fell head over heels for her. Don't let it happen again.


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## lonelymountain (Mar 19, 2012)

Perhaps it is apart of me. I am loath to think about it that way, but the truth is not always fun. And I have already come to the conclusion that our therapist sucks. I should have replaced her along time ago. I dont know though that I am still wrapped up in every little thing she does. I am pretty comfortable with the fact that she probably cant be with me anymore. I would say that I am more in the mind frame of learning from the past and trying to fuel any spark that might be left. IE looking for advice. I will stand back and let her have the lead in any contact. And I do have my own therapist now that is much much much better and he is not for the relationship but for me and me alone to get myself together.


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## lonelymountain (Mar 19, 2012)

So yesterday we started talking about one of our pets that needs to be re homed and we spent most of the day talking back and forth via email. She even asked me my opinion on somethings. I take this as a good thing. Whats even better is that I didnt feel anxious or read into everything she said. I was just able to talk to her and state my opinions without worrying about what she was going to think. And when we were done talking I was able to move on to whatever else I had to do without dwelling on it. ( I slept without laying in bed wondering. ) I feel like I am getting back to normal. If not a wiser and more stable version of myself.


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