# Husband is constantly on his Iphone or Ipad



## WINNERCIRCLE

Hello,

Does anyone have a hubby that is constantly on his IPhone or Ipad? When I first my met him, he always had a passion for computer games. That was 10 years ago. Now technology has changed and so the computer games have moved to the Ipad/IPhone, such as Clash of Clans which he can spend hours on. When he's not on his IPhone/Ipad, he's constantly checking his WhatsApp Chats and Hockey Scores or who is texting him. We also have 2 young kids together (one who is under 1 years old and another who is under 3 years old) which is irritating as the kids constantly see their DAD on his IPhone/Ipad. It's actually quite sad to see this - as the kids should look up to their dad as a role model, not a phone junkie who can't pay attention to his kids.

I've confronted him about it multiple times but he doesn't feel like it's an issue. For me, it feels that our family is not as important as whatever is on his phone. I check my phone as well too -however if I do, it's a quick "2 minute" phone check, and I will respond to friends/family/Facebook when the kids are napping or sleeping by 7pm. I don't understand why he feels the addition to check be "on" his IPhone or Ipad when the kids are awake and just want to play with their Dad. We as parents, have plenty of "free" time as the kids sleep early.

This has impacted our relationship as I don't feel validated by him anymore as a wife as I feel he loves his phone more than his myself or his family. 

He says he missed the physical intimacy between us, but I find it hard to be physically intimate when I am bothered by his IPhone/Ipad addiction.

Question: Am I being unreasonable about this? 

Question: Does anyone have suggestions on how to improve the situation?


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## EleGirl

WINNERCIRCLE said:


> Question: Am I being unreasonable about this?
> 
> Question: Does anyone have suggestions on how to improve the situation?


Your concerns and expectations are completely reasonable.

So who is your husband communicating with on his iPhone? Do you know?

How much time does he spend away from home when he's not at work?

By the way, I get the impression that you are a stay at home mom (SAHM), is that right?


WINNERCIRCLE said:


> This has impacted our relationship as I don't feel validated by him anymore as a wife as I feel he loves his phone more than his myself or his family.
> 
> He says he missed the physical intimacy between us, but I find it hard to be physically intimate when I am bothered by his IPhone/Ipad addiction.


What you have doing on is a very classic case of both of you not getting your needs met. Which came first? I’m not sure which of you pulled away first or if the two of you did at about the same time. But there is a way to fix this.

There are two books that I think you would benefit from. Read them both first and think them through. Then ask him to read them with you and do the work that the books suggest. Do them in this order. First "Love Busters" then "His Needs, Her Needs".

Basically the rule of thumb is that you and he should be spending a minimum of 15 hours a week together doing things that the two of you enjoy... sort of date-like. Just the two of you with children, with any friends or extended family.

[This has impacted our relationship as I don't feel validated by him anymore as a wife as I feel he loves his phone more than his myself or his family. 

He says he missed the physical intimacy between us, but I find it hard to be physically intimate when I am bothered by his IPhone/Ipad addiction.

So who is your husband communicating with on his iPhone? Do you know?

How much time does he spend away from home when he's not at work?

Your concerns and expectations are completely reasonable.

There are two books that I think you would benefit from. Read them both first and think them through. Then ask him to read them with you and do the work that the books suggest. Do them in this order. First "Love Busters" then "His Needs, Her Needs".

Basically the rule of thumb is that you and he should be spending a minimum of 15 hours a week together doing things that the two of you enjoy... sort of date-like. Just the two of you with children, with any friends or extended family.
Once I know more about whether or not you are a SAHM, I have more I’d like to say, but that info would be helpful. Also how old are the two of you?


WINNERCIRCLE said:


> Does anyone have a hubby that is constantly on his IPhone or Ipad? When I first my met him, he always had a passion for computer games. That was 10 years ago. Now technology has changed and so the computer games have moved to the Ipad/IPhone, such as Clash of Clans which he can spend hours on. When he's not on his IPhone/Ipad, he's constantly checking his WhatsApp Chats and Hockey Scores or who is texting him. We also have 2 young kids together (one who is under 1 years old and another who is under 3 years old) which is irritating as the kids constantly see their DAD on his IPhone/Ipad. It's actually quite sad to see this - as the kids should look up to their dad as a role model, not a phone junkie who can't pay attention to his kids.


I was married to a man who was married to his computer. He spend every waking moment on the computer playing games and surfing the web. Early on in or marriage he lost his job in a large riff and he never found another. So I really do mean every waking hour. 

I have a son from a previous marriage. He has two children. All the children were about 10/11 years old when we married. 

I made a huge mistake in that I did not confront him strongly enough. I asked, begged, pleaded, and even cried a few times asking him to get off the computer, help raise his kids, spend time with me and do his share around the house and get a job. He would always agree that what he was doing was not cool and promise to do better. But he never did one thing different, not for even one day. After 10 years, the children were all out of high school and I divorced him.

What I learned from that and from participating on this forum and others like it is that my mistake was that I was way too nice. I should have destabilized his world within the first few months of the nonsense. I should have told him to get a job and raise his own kids or move out even if that meant him living on the street. It sounds like your situation is not as bad as mine since your husband at least has a job. But I do think that you need to tell him that either he go to marriage counseling with you and do the work the books say to do or you will be seriously talking to a lawyer. It’s called destabilizing the marriage. Stopping the status quo. My bet is that your husband loves you but he has come to take your relationship for granted and then wonders why you don’t want sex with him.

And that is not to say that you are perfect and have no fault here. I am aware that you have given us a very brief window into your life. But you can work though what love busters each of you are doing, what both of your needs are and how to meet them. That’s when you can also talk about your own short comings.


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## ScrambledEggs

Ele Girl's story is pretty powerful for this so I don't think I can compete with that. Though it might be helpful to view that its not his computer/phone time that is the problem, but not enough of what you need and the kids need. 

I don't know if 15 hours a week is enough but I do believe that what a man does on his own time to decompress should not matter to a relationship, *********gery, cheating, porn, and the like notwithstanding. I think in a lot of relationships computer use and gaming can become symbolic of choosing something else over the marriage. I have friends who get a lot of grief from their spouses for gaming and other nerdy hobbies, but get a pass for the same time spent apart from the family for more "manly" hobbies, like watching football or rebuilding cars. 

I think part of the issue is that some people don't value gaming at all and their projecting that value judgement on the activity. I don't believe that is necessarily the case with the OP, but this sort of attitude does exist.


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## EleGirl

ScrambledEggs said:


> Ele Girl's story is pretty powerful for this so I don't think I can compete with that. Though it might be helpful to view that its not his computer/phone time that is the problem, but not enough of what you need and the kids need.
> 
> I don't know if 15 hours a week is enough but I do believe that what a man does on his own time to decompress should not matter to a relationship, *********gery, cheating, porn, and the like notwithstanding. I think in a lot of relationships computer use and gaming can become symbolic of choosing something else over the marriage. I have friends who get a lot of grief from their spouses for gaming and other nerdy hobbies, but get a pass for the same time spent apart from the family for more "manly" hobbies, like watching football or rebuilding cars.
> 
> I think part of the issue is that some people don't value gaming at all and their projecting that value judgement on the activity. I don't believe that is necessarily the case with the OP, but this sort of attitude does exist.


Good points.

Gaming is an ok pastime. The issue is not enough time on the relationship.

This is one of the reasons that I asked the OP about whether or not she works outside the home. I think that some discussion on how to structure their time, chores, child care, etc might be helpful. But the discussion is different depending on if she works outside the home or not.


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## deg20

My wife was so bad at the end that I was literally ignored when I asked questions or tried to talk to her.

It became worse daily. I got angry and it still didn't stop. I began retreating to my music room every night and just listened to music by myself. Every night of the week. My gut was going off constantly.

We grew apart. She didn't care and nothing changed despite my pleas. She left me and we have been apart for almost 2 years now.

But she wasn't gaming or googling. She was texting and sexting with many men. The phone lead to our demise and I watched it unfold in front of me.

Even though she has been in a relationship for a year now, my stepson says she's still the same with the phone...he spilt a tea all over the coffee table in front of her, onto the floor, while she was texting. After he had finished wiping it up, about five minutes after he spilt it, she asked him, "Hey...what happened here?|...sad, really...


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## practitioner

You wrote, "He says he missed the physical intimacy between us, but I find it hard to be physically intimate when I am bothered by his IPhone/Ipad addiction." Tell him you miss it and him as well. Also add, you want to feel like a priority. Ask him if he would like to have a romantic night with only caveat, no IPad for that entire evening leading up to your time together. The idea here is to get a mutually favorable outcome based on his expressed innate desires. 

Dr. Ken Newberger
http://www.MarriageCounselingAlt.com/couples.htm
Southwest FL (Naples - Fort Myers)


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## WINNERCIRCLE

Thanks for all the advice and stories fellow Forum members! I will follow through on some of the suggestions (eg: reading those books as suggested by EleGirl) and hope to try some new strategies to see some change in our relationship.

FYI - I'm from Canada. Therefore I am on one year maternity leave until May 2016. So yes I am currently a stay-at -home-mom but I will be returning to work full-time by the summer. 

Do you think the advice would be different vs if I am a full-time worker or SAHM? In my opinion, the issue is that he's still always on his phone and I feel the family is not a priority compared to the phone.


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## EleGirl

WINNERCIRCLE said:


> Thanks for all the advice and stories fellow Forum members! I will follow through on some of the suggestions (eg: reading those books as suggested by EleGirl) and hope to try some new strategies to see some change in our relationship.
> 
> FYI - I'm from Canada. Therefore I am on one year maternity leave until May 2016. So yes I am currently a stay-at -home-mom but I will be returning to work full-time by the summer.
> 
> Do you think the advice would be different vs if I am a full-time worker or SAHM? In my opinion, the issue is that he's still always on his phone and I feel the family is not a priority compared to the phone.


There is some difference if you were a full time SAHM and your husband the sole bread winner , or if you both work full time. 

Since you are both a SAHM now and will be going back to work, I tried combining the two... hope it makes sense.

Here goes...

Both spouses should be working about the same amount of time.

To maintain the love/passion in a marriage a couple needs to spend about 15 hours a week together by themselves. That's quality time, concentrating on each other.. talking, dates, love making, etc.

If you are a SAHM...

Both spouses should spend about the same amount of time working at their jobs.

If one spouse is a stay at home parent, their job is to of course do the child care, most of the housework, shopping, food prep, etc.

When your work day is over, you both should be able to have about 30 minutes to wind down from work.

Then the two of you pitch in and split up all the housework, cooking, childcare when you are at home. 

The children go to be early so that the parents get about 2 hours a night of quality time together. One the weekend there is time for more quality time, dates, etc.

So 2 hours a day during the week and one 5 hour date on the weekend.. that's 15 hours.

Quality time means no TV, movies, computer, cell phones.

It's cuddling, talking, taking up a hobby that you both like, dates, going for walks ... just the two of you.

After the two of you get your 15 hours a week in together, then each of you get to do whatever you want. If he wants to spend his free time on an iPhone.. it is his choice. If you want to spend it at the spa with girl friends.. it's your choice.

But the priority is that it's only after a jobs, chores, kids, at least 15 hours a week with each other.


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## MachoMcCoy

EleGirl said:


> Basically the rule of thumb is that you and he should be spending a minimum of 15 hours a week together doing things that the two of you enjoy... sort of date-like. Just the two of you...



I can't stress the importance of this enough. My wife I implemented this a few years ago and it saved our marriage.


Said no one EVER. Come-on. Who does that?



https://www.washingtonpost.com/life...id=hp_regional-hp-cards_no-name:homepage/card



"*When an Ultimatum is Justified*"

I like Carolyn Hax. I just read this a couple of hours ago. It's the opposite of two books, but it applies.

Personally, this is actually one of the few times I disagree with her. I forget the details, but the husbands behavior was divorce worthy, I believe. Carolyn makes it sound like she agrees with the "tell him like you really mean it" approach to an ultimatum. She just doesn't then go into the "when that probably doesn't work" strategy that is required with MOST "tell him/her" strategies. 

The problem with the 15 hours of dating here is that he has already determined that being in the cloud is more important to him than spending time with his wife. And more importantly, his kids, his family. You need him to WANT to spend time with the family first. And that means breaking him of his addiction first.

Good luck. Come on over to the men's clubhouse if this thread doesn't work. Why a woman would ask another woman how to change a man's behavior always confused my anyhow.


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## EleGirl

MachoMcCoy said:


> I can't stress the importance of this enough. My wife I implemented this a few years ago and it saved our marriage.
> 
> Said no one EVER. Come-on. Who does that?


You are wrong that no one implements the 15 hours a week. Sure right now her husband is in his own world. But the idea is for her to destabilize the marriage, get his attention and get the marriage restructured.

Before she 'breaks him of his addiction' and gives an ultimatum, WINNERCIRCLE needs to know what it is that she wants. Right now she is unsure of herself and what is even reasonable to ask/demand from him.

The purpose of the books, which include the discussion of the 15 hours, is so that WINNERCIRCLE gets her plan together.

Hopefully she will continue posting here and we can talk with her and help her work through this, which most likely will include an ultimatum.


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## MachoMcCoy

EleGirl said:


> Before she 'breaks him of his addiction' and gives an ultimatum, WINNERCIRCLE needs to know what it is that she wants. Right now she is unsure of herself and what is even reasonable to ask/demand from him.



OK. That's why you are in the ladies lounge. You all work on that.




EleGirl said:


> Hopefully she will continue posting here and we can talk with her and help her work through this, which most likely will include an ultimatum.



Come on over and ask the boys at ultimatum time. We know that one. The few that actually heard it and changed themselves for their marriage are long gone and spending 15 quality hours a week with their wife. The ones that you really need are the ones that heard it but ignored it. Then lost their minds when their wives left. We're here in droves still. And waiting to give advice on how to not do the same-old, same-old.


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## EleGirl

MachoMcCoy said:


> OK. That's why you are in the ladies lounge. You all work on that.
> 
> 
> Come on over and ask the boys at ultimatum time. We know that one. The few that actually heard it and changed themselves for their marriage are long gone and spending 15 quality hours a week with their wife. The ones that you really need are the ones that heard it but ignored it. Then lost their minds when their wives left. We're here in droves still. And waiting to give advice on how to not do the same-old, same-old.


You keep going on and on, in thread after thread, that you have the answer for how a woman can get through to her husband. You keep telling us that after all, you were an abusive husband, you heard your wife telling you and you ignored it, so eventually your wife walked away. So you have all the answers.

You taunted people on the walk away wife thread, saying that everyone was wrong. Only you have the answers. But you never gave an answer.

Then you started a thread promising to enlighten all of us on your great, deep knowledge. But you never did. All you did was to taunt more.

Now here you are leading people on again, playing cat and mouse.

The link you posted above is good info on ultimatums. If you actually have something more to share that would help WINNERCIRCLE, you can do it right here on this thread. There is no reason that she needs to create a new thread in the men’s forum. As you know, men are welcome to post in the ladies’ forum and do all the time.


What are you waiting in drove for? So let’s hear it finally.


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## MachoMcCoy

EleGirl said:


> So let’s hear it finally.


OK. I'll give it a shot. But this is out of sequence and only the Cliff Notes version, but here goes:


Walk Away Wives: Chapter 10 - "The Ultimatum"

Step 1 - "Tell Him": The verbal Ultimatum.

Must be undertaken before it's too late, for HER, not him. You need to do this BEFORE you check out. Otherwise, just skip to chapter 15, How to actually "WALK".
Step is complete when wife is "blue in the face" and he STILL hasn't changed

Step 2 - "DO": The "take action" ultimatum.

Must be undertaken before it is too late. Almost NEVER is. Divorce papers are handed to him when she really means divorce. Wife emotionally checks out of the marriage when she is actually
through.

Step 3 - Be sure he thinks you mean it. 

This is the hard part. My wife's "step 2" was to check out of the marriage, never to return. I "got it" then and changed, but it was too late. I am not the exception, I am the rule.

Step 4 - Turn it into a gender war to determine who's "fault" it is".

Summary:

Wives think step one should work. It never does. Step 2 comes along after step one had failed and the wife is gone, the marriage is over. 

Step 2 needs to be a means to an end, not an end in and of itself. And it needs to be undertaken with an interest in fixing the marriage, not with an attitude of "what the f*** is wrong with that idiot".


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## EleGirl

MachoMcCoy said:


> OK. I'll give it a shot. But this is out of sequence and only the Cliff Notes version, but here goes:
> 
> 
> Walk Away Wives: Chapter 10 - "The Ultimatum"
> 
> Step 1 - "Tell Him": The verbal Ultimatum.
> 
> Must be undertaken before it's too late, for HER, not him. You need to do this BEFORE you check out. Otherwise, just skip to chapter 15, How to actually "WALK".
> Step is complete when wife is "blue in the face" and he STILL hasn't changed
> 
> Step 2 - "DO": The "take action" ultimatum.
> 
> Must be undertaken before it is too late. Almost NEVER is. Divorce papers are handed to him when she really means divorce. Wife emotionally checks out of the marriage when she is actually
> through.
> 
> Step 3 - Be sure he thinks you mean it.
> 
> This is the hard part. My wife's "step 2" was to check out of the marriage, never to return. I "got it" then and changed, but it was too late. I am not the exception, I am the rule.
> 
> Step 4 - Turn it into a gender war to determine who's "fault" it is".
> 
> Summary:
> 
> Wives think step one should work. It never does. Step 2 comes along after step one had failed and the wife is gone, the marriage is over.
> 
> Step 2 needs to be a means to an end, not an end in and of itself. And it needs to be undertaken with an interest in fixing the marriage, not with an attitude of "what the f*** is wrong with that idiot".


Thank you.. I agree, except for #4 needs to be avoided/eliminated. Now we need all the other chapters.

And, as I said earlier, the OP needs to read the books so that she knows what to do if and when he miraculously actually hears her and takes her seriously.


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## Spotthedeaddog

EleGirl said:


> Your concerns and expectations are completely reasonable.
> 
> So who is your husband communicating with on his iPhone? Do you know?



Just sounds like the classic adult-child to me. Playing his/her games avoiding the real world. pretty much the society that education and society is trying to create with the "worship of innocence".

there is nothing "out there" that has value for him.
the games and apps give instead gratification and risk free tribal society and belonging.

he stands between two worlds, and the vitual one is winning.
welcome to the fourth industrial age...


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## Spotthedeaddog

EleGirl said:


> Thank you.. I agree, except for #4 needs to be avoided/eliminated. Now we need all the other chapters.
> 
> And, as I said earlier, the OP needs to read the books so that she knows what to do if and when he miraculously actually hears her and takes her seriously.


Agree about #4.

I'm betting he's likely to be upset, swear to change, and then find he has no skillset or coping mechanisms for the real world, and then fail miserably. Probably moving out, and likely back home to parents.


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## sapientia

WINNERCIRCLE said:


> Hello,
> 
> Does anyone have a hubby that is constantly on his IPhone or Ipad?
> 
> Question: Am I being unreasonable about this?
> 
> Question: Does anyone have suggestions on how to improve the situation?


To clarify - this is not for work, correct? Some jobs require staying connected.

Assuming not work, then no, you are not being unreasonable.

Turn the wifi off occasionally. Make light, interesting conversation. A bottle of wine helps.


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## MachoMcCoy

spotthedeaddog said:


> I'm betting he's likely to be upset, swear to change, and then find he has no skillset or coping mechanisms for the real world, and then fail miserably. Probably moving out, and likely back home to parents.


Not having the skillsets is not what will make him fail. Seeing no repercussions for NOT changing is what will make him fail.

There it is. A SLIGHT little bit of"blame" on the wife. I can hear it now:

"WHAT!!? The guy is an idiot and your blaming the WIFE for not fixing HIM? What is the matter with you, you sexist pig?"



And the music goes round and round yeah yeah yeah yeah...


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## MachoMcCoy

sapientia said:


> A bottle of wine helps.


This is a guy, remember? Mars vs. Venus and all...


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## FeministInPink

I don't know how to get through to your husband. My XH essentially abandoned me emotionally in favor of video games. Once it began, I was never able to do anything to stop it. It's not fun.

I would recommend that he read this:

Must Be This Tall To Ride: An Open Letter to Sh!tty Husbands

I just discovered this blog two days ago, and this guy GETS it.

You have a sh!tty husband, and he doesn't take your complaints seriously because _he doesn't believe you_. He doesn't believe you when you tell him it hurts you when he ignores you in favor of his iPhone/Pad, because he thinks if the tables were turned, the behavior wouldn't bother him; therefore, in his mind, your statement is irrational and should be dismissed.

He might start seeing himself in some of these blog posts, realize that he's doing a great deal of harm to his marriage and family, and he might change his ways. Of he might not.

Or maybe, this blog will give you enough information that you can start to change the conversation. I haven't been read enough to see if he has any posts that discuss how a wife can effectively address these issues with her husband, but maybe there's something in there.

Good luck.


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## sapientia

MachoMcCoy said:


> This is a guy, remember? Mars vs. Venus and all...


For HER. Geeze...


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## Starstarfish

Guys don't drink wine?

Clearly no one informed France or Italy.


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