# Can you REALLY love them again?



## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

My husband and I are working on reconnecting after his infidelity. We're both working on getting over the betrayal. He is doing everything he can to make things get better, basically whatever I want.

I have been wondering now, 5 months after, can you ever really love the WS like you did before the betrayal, or just in a different way which is not as deeply as before.

I'm finding that you can't love someone, maybe I mean unconditionally (as I did before). 

I loved him through everything and anything before, but he never did anything like this to hurt me before.

I miss the kind of love I had for him before.


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## Dandri (Jul 14, 2011)

That is not something i feel anyone can difinitivly answer for you here.

I feel as though that is only something you can answer yourself. Have the 2 of you seen a MC? if so based upon your comment "I'm finding that you can't love someone, maybe I mean unconditionally (as I did before)." And "I miss the kind of love I had for him before" I would highly recomend IC for yourself. 

It sounds as though you have personal unresolved issues with what happend that you may need to work out with your own C one on one without the pressure of you husband there listening to this issue you may have. Possibly after you have worked it out in IC you may then be able to talk to your MC about it with your H.

Good luck and best wishes.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You can love them but not in the way you did efore. The innocence of the relationship being 100% between you two/exclusive is gone.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

We have both been to IC for 4 months now. 

For me, it has helped me understand a lot of things about human nature which I was too naive to realize before all this. I guess I knew a lot of things but never realized it would happen in my marriage, because I was so secure in it.

I guess I will have to live with the fact that "it is what it is", but I find it a great loss.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

The kind of love you speak of not having, unconditional love, is not based on performance or what he does or does not do. It's not based on what he did. Unconditional love is a choice. If you can't love him that way it's because you choose not to. To me, it sounds like there is resentment and unforgiveness that is preventing you from making this choice. 

It can be difficult to live this way again because ofthe fear that the same mistakes can be repeated. It can be hard because of the uncertainty of how things will turn out. It is not IMPOSSIBLE.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Unconditional love can only exist if you choose to walk away. There are always conditions to staying together. Always.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

How do you love someone, who destroyed your soul, trampled your heart, took away your peace of mind, carefree life, and trust of others---how do you love someone who does that to you????????


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

IMHO, that kind of love and trust is gone forever. I suppose a new form of satisfying love can fill the void if your partner commits to change.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

ClipClop said:


> Unconditional love can only exist if you choose to walk away. There are always conditions to staying together. Always.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't understand. This sounds contradictory in a way. Speaking in terms of the a Christian perspective, unconditional love for a spouse does not mean only if you're no longer my spouse can this happen. I do understand that one spouse may love in this manner and one may not. But that in no way means you have to leave to love that way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You can love them but not in the way you did efore. The innocence of the relationship being 100% between you two/exclusive is gone.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
I love my husband but not in th same way and I don't feel I would ever be in love with him again (if so it's by the grace of God). As Jelly said before it was 100% pluse and I trusted him with everything in me. Now I doubt him even when h has been with me all day (I am trying to do better). It will never be the same but hopefully what comes from it will bring you to closer in a different way and you can build from that.....Good Luck.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

We who are trying to R all want to be able to *erase* what's happened when infidelity hits a marriage, but the reality is we cannot. I think I'm learning that the key is in using the experience to learn how to uncover whatever was missing previously, and to build on the trust it takes to be able to discuss it all in the interest of building the relationship to a new level.

Unfortunately some can and some cannot. People do it; they get closer through the pain and healing together, using it to build anew and to trust both ways to a new depth. I still do not know if I can or not. I do understand that getting to that new level of 'naked intimacy' (no, not sexually - check out the book) is kind of the goal. Just don't know if I can get there.


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## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

I believe it's wonderful you're still asking yourself all this questions. Some choose to end it, some, like you, choose to try make it work again. it's hard and painful, but, as long as you're both struggling to make it work, you'll have nice results. No, I don't think you can love him as you used to, in the end your soul has been crushed by his affair, but you can still find feelings and these could sustain a lifetime together. It's all in your hands now.


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## Kyle5311 (Jul 13, 2011)

I'm glad to see this post because I'm facing the same thing. My wife cheated with my good friend who i treated like a brother. They had a relationship for 4 months. There was no ripple in the marriage either and no ripple in my friendship until i discovered the affair. My wife stated she didn't love him and it was just exciting sex. This massive betrayal has left me with very little love for the woman I used to love and cherish. She has really turned around and seems to be loving and devoted, but my love for her is meh! at best.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

It's so complicated. And I guess every situation and marriage differs. My wife too is showing tremendous remorse and doing everything she can to show me she wants to regain my trust, but right now I can only give her so much in return. I'm hollow, plain and simple.

And what makes it worse is that she has still not fully accepted what she has done. She would prefer to have it go away forever, unaddressed, but that won't work for me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lovestruckout said:


> And what makes it worse is that she has still not fully accepted what she has done. She would prefer to have it go away forever, unaddressed, but that won't work for me.


If she won't accept or own what she did, there isn't much to work on.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

I agree that the love will never be the same and probably not as powerful as it was before the A. Now that I know, my wife basically throws love at me hoping it will stick. By this I mean, she's more affectionate physically and emotionally than she was even before the affair or even when we were dating. Sometimes I have to force myself to reciprocate her displays of affection because all I see is the person that ruined my life and my marriage. Other times it feels like I don't have to fake it at all and I feel genuine love for her. It really is a rollercoaster of emotions and I for one am ready for this ride to end. I know that's not feasible for probably a long while. The reason I fake it with her is because we are trying to R and I don't want to become my own worst enemy. I kinda keep myself in check. Sometimes it doesn't work and she's great for being there for me and comforting me. I would love to be able to have the love for her I had before the A. I'm a realist though, and know that the paradigm of our relationship has been forever changed.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

Jellybeans said:


> If she won't accept or own what she did, there isn't much to work on.


:iagree:


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

I too feel like I have lost the innocent love I once had. It can never be the same. I struggle still 21 months later. I try to clear my mind of the A's but it is difficut at times. I pray it never happens again and I can make it through this. I feel like the wife I once had is gone forever. She is a much different person than I thought she was. I feel like I am with a different woman and am starting new. I miss what i had and it hurts so deeply. Every day is a new one and I try my best to go on hopeing for a happy relationship from here on.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You can love them but not in the way you did efore. The innocence of the relationship being 100% between you two/exclusive is gone.


This is spot on. I'll add that after the A was exposed I no longer knew my WW. And 7 month later I still don't feel like I really know her. For now, she is the mother of my children, attractive, and nice. But I don't think we will be finishing each others sentences for a while if that makes any sence.


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## RobinS (Jul 21, 2011)

I find myself struggling with that same question!! A year ago, after the birth of our first child, my husband confessed that he had a porn addiction, than ran into cyber shows, and than to escorts. I knew, for the past few years that something was up, but never had any idea just how deeply it went. My world fell apart.....

We are currently in therapy....and I just feel lost! I def. don't love him like I used to. I love him, but I don't think i'm in love with him. When he kisses me, I feel nothing...when I look at him, I feel nothing....I feel almost empty....and I dont' know if it is b/c I am still so angry...or if what he did has just changed how I feel about him forever. 

It sucks, b/c I'm not sure if i'm staying b/c I want this marriage to work, or if I'm staying b/c of our son....I moved away from my friends and family to another city to be with him...if I leave him, I know I will have to stay here b/c of our child...so I often wonder if the reason I stay with him is just out of convience. I'm just so confused.....

I really wish I knew the answer to your question!!


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> I agree that the love will never be the same and probably not as powerful as it was before the A. Now that I know, my wife basically throws love at me hoping it will stick. By this I mean, she's more affectionate physically and emotionally than she was even before the affair or even when we were dating. Sometimes I have to force myself to reciprocate her displays of affection because all I see is the person that ruined my life and my marriage. Other times it feels like I don't have to fake it at all and I feel genuine love for her. It really is a rollercoaster of emotions and I for one am ready for this ride to end. I know that's not feasible for probably a long while. The reason I fake it with her is because we are trying to R and I don't want to become my own worst enemy. I kinda keep myself in check. Sometimes it doesn't work and she's great for being there for me and comforting me. I would love to be able to have the love for her I had before the A. I'm a realist though, and know that the paradigm of our relationship has been forever changed.


110% with you, could have written these exact words myself. Unfortunately.


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## Kyle5311 (Jul 13, 2011)

Its comforting to know I'm not alone, Just to know other people feel this same deadness helps. I'm mainly with my wife because I don't want to be a weekend dad. I cringe when she touches me and when we kiss I can't wait for it to end. I'm totally disgusted with her. I hope all of you find peace. I'm still looking for mine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Gosh, I am right here with the rest of you. I use to be proud of my husband, not anymore! I use to like my husband, not any more, I use to trust my husband, not anymore, I use to believe in my husband, not anymore, I thought I had a future with my husband, not anymore. I use to love my husband, not anymore. 

I ask how do you manage to stay together ? Isn't better to be alone than lonely with someone ? 

I cant imagine spending the next months,or years living as we are at the present in this very damage marriage. I do understand that what I am feeling now wont be the same even next week. That is a given, but what also is a given, my case, husbands infidelity. 

I read from you all and try to learn...

~sammy


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## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

I'm with you all on this as well.

And Kyle5311 you were spot on when you called it a "deadness". This is precisely what I feel. It just surprises me that the cheater thinks things will get back to how they were pre-A. They have no thought of what damage it does to someone and how it affects them. Whether they still loved their spouse during their affair, they cant comprehend that maybe the BS wont love them after they get caught.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair a few years ago and had a ‘secret’phone. I could never forget. I gave him quite a lot of rejection, but suddenly began to see the damage I was doing. However it was too late. Although he knew he was the cause of the problem, he had enough.
We have now been separated for about 3 months, no plans to reconcile. We damaged each other. You have to work at this, or it will be too late. IMO If you really feel you can’t , end things before it damages you both more.


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## Kyle5311 (Jul 13, 2011)

Reindeer, to me it's more "the devil I know" I no longer trust anything anyone says. I was talking to my friend about how I thought my wife may be having an affair. He would tell me "nah.. Cmon really? Get outa here" "she wouldn't do that" well it was him. Also I'd rub my wifes feet and talk about her day and then we would get intimate all on the same day she spent 3 hours with my friend in a hotel. With that being said who are they? Who is anyone? Are they who they say they are? Does your Significant Other really know you? If the answer is no, then why would you assume you know them. We asign rolls for everyone in our life, then expect them to live to the morals we place on them. I asigned a trust worthy, dependable, honest, loving roll for my wife. I was wrong. So now I'm damaged goods, so moving on will just allow me to torture someone else with my new found insecurities. I know the devil I'm with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Kyle5311 said:


> Reindeer, to me it's more "the devil I know" I no longer trust anything anyone says. I was talking to my friend about how I thought my wife may be having an affair. He would tell me "nah.. Cmon really? Get outa here" "she wouldn't do that" well it was him. Also I'd rub my wifes feet and talk about her day and then we would get intimate all on the same day she spent 3 hours with my friend in a hotel. With that being said who are they? Who is anyone? Are they who they say they are? Does your Significant Other really know you? If the answer is no, then why would you assume you know them. We asign rolls for everyone in our life, then expect them to live to the morals we place on them. I asigned a trust worthy, dependable, honest, loving roll for my wife. I was wrong. So now I'm damaged goods, so moving on will just allow me to torture someone else with my new found insecurities. I know the devil I'm with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


WOW do I feel horrible for you, given it was a friend who you were discussing the possibility of her affair... just wow. People never cease to amaze me. You've nailed the term we feel - "deadness". It takes you over and makes you beyond numb... when you're numb, you know the feeling is there underneath but can't get to it. This "deadness" doesn't even recognize the feeling underneath. It doesn't seem to exist. And how your perspective about _everyone_ then has been altered, maybe forever. I do not trust anyone at their word. I triple-check everyone who works for me... it's kind of sickening, and everyone recognizes there's 'something with him these days'....

I've written very similar posts previously on this forum about not wanting to move on and inflict my own pain onto someone else with my mistrust, suspicions, and insecurities. For now I'm choosing to be with the devil I know who at least understands what she's done to me and can work with me on trying to make it better.

I CAN say it gets a teensy-bit better each day. Time is an amazing helper.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

Thanks for all your posts. It's helpful knowing so many people feel the exact same way.

Although a lot of you have worse situations than what happened in my marriage. It was porn and going to erotic massages, it's still a betrayal. I cannot imagine how much worse it would be if they had an emotional affair or with a friend of mine. 

My counsellor says I should start dating my husband as if we are starting a new relationship. I said "I wouldn't date a person who betrayed me, so now what?" When you first date someone, you're not going to have a bad history with them.

Anyway, I'm trying to go through the motions of getting closer, etc. but it's hard work when your heart's not in it. I am best friends with my husband (or was), he says the same, but love, love like I did before, probably never get there again.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

from my own personal experience, I have learned you cannot love someone (other than your own children perhaps) unconditionally. When it comes to a spouse, there must be conditions to your love. I spent many years loving my ex while he was out running around. I thought that if I loved him enough and did whatever he wanted/needed then he would stop his running around and commit to me. Eventually, it all took a very heavy toll on me and I could no longer do it. So, I divorced him.
There are conditions to love and marriage. Yes, you can love someone truly and with all your heart, but you cannot allow them to walk all over you.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> from my own personal experience, I have learned you cannot love someone (other than your own children perhaps) unconditionally. When it comes to a spouse, there must be conditions to your love. I spent many years loving my ex while he was out running around. I thought that if I loved him enough and did whatever he wanted/needed then he would stop his running around and commit to me. Eventually, it all took a very heavy toll on me and I could no longer do it. So, I divorced him.
> There are conditions to love and marriage. Yes, you can love someone truly and with all your heart, but you cannot allow them to walk all over you.


I totally disagree. You can love someone other than your children unconditionally but you choose not to. With your kids, you choose to love them no matter how bad they mess up. You choose to love them no matter how disappointed you can get sometimes. The love most people have for their spouses is based on emotion and feelings. Unconditional has nothing to do with either of those. It's a choice. It's loving someone even when they dont deserve it. 

Doing everything that someone wants you to do is not showing love. We dont do it with our kids so why do we assume it will work with our spouses. It is a relationship that requires some compromise on the part of both parties. It's doing things that make both parties mutually happy. It's negotiating so that one is not upset about the actions of the other. But it does not mean doing everything they want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

marksaysay said:


> I totally disagree. You can love someone other than your children unconditionally but you choose not to. With your kids, you choose to love them no matter how bad they mess up. You choose to love them no matter how disappointed you can get sometimes. The love most people have for their spouses is based on emotion and feelings. Unconditional has nothing to do with either of those. It's a choice. It's loving someone even when they dont deserve it.
> 
> Doing everything that someone wants you to do is not showing love. We do t do it with our odd so why do we assume it will work with our spouses. It is a relationship that requires some compromise on the part of both parties. It's doing things that make both parties mutually happy. It's negotiating so that one is not upset about the actions of the other. But it does not mean doing everything they want.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

There is a common misconception in marriages nowadays that lead to affairs or divorce. That misconception is the "in-love" feelings that we have with our SO during the first few years of our marriage or courting, when we are willing to do anything to make the other person happy. Unfortunately these emotions are fueled by chemicals in our bodies. These chemicals are dastardly in nature because eventually, after a few years, they aren't produced as much as they were when you and your SO first courted or got married. This is where the rubber meets the road in a relationship. 

Love is not an emotion or a feeling. Emotions and feelings are chemical reactions produced by an over abundance of serotonin. Our bodies begin to produce the excess serotonin when we feel loved. Almost every couple believes feelings and emotions are "True, Unconditional Love", because it's what the media, books, and music tell us. We've become slaves to these things and believe anything they tell us. Unconditional love is a "DECISION YOU MAKE". What you are saying is that regardless of how this person treats me, I am going to do things for them because I love them. No matter how disrespectful they are, you decide to show them respect because you love them. You decide to show them love, even when they are being unlovable. 

The reason divorce and affair rates are up is because most people don't take their wedding vows seriously. They just like the "feeling" they get when they get married. Most couples always say "For Better or For Worse", when what they really mean is "For Better only". Most people don't have any understanding of what Love truly is. This is where the work-side of a marriage comes into play. It takes work sometimes to show your SO love. It takes work to remember to take time out of your day to show them love. If you meet the needs of your SO, because you decide to love them, they will most definitely reciprocate.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> :iagree:
> 
> There is a common misconception in marriages nowadays that lead to affairs or divorce. That misconception is the "in-love" feelings that we have with our SO during the first few years of our marriage or courting, when we are willing to do anything to make the other person happy. Unfortunately these emotions are fueled by chemicals in our bodies. These chemicals are dastardly in nature because eventually, after a few years, they aren't produced as much as they were when you and your SO first courted or got married. This is where the rubber meets the road in a relationship.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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