# Looking for advice-hesitant to leave. Unsure if I should.



## B lookingforadvice (Jul 23, 2011)

I just turned 40 and have been married for 12 years. When I met my wife, I was single and in my own place and since I met her she came by and called on a regular basis and spoiled and mothered me- making dinner- bringing coffee in the am, cleaning my house, etc... It was great. She is 7 years older than me and has a stepson who is now 24. After we dated for a over a year we moved in together and decided to get married. I was really spoiled by her and sometimes I wonder if that's why I married her...We now have 2 boys together- 9 & 10. We have had typical ups and downs and occasional arguements and throughout the years and a few times I thought about leaving but just brushed off the idea, thinking it would not be right to leave and break up the family, since it would be tough on our kids and I do not want to do that to them. We both were always light drinkers, 2-4 light beers a day after work for me, and a couple glasses of wine for her. This was a daily routine and not a problem at all. Lately (past couple of years) she has been drinking more than she used to (she can finish a bottle a night) and there were several instances where she has gotten drunk and has been an embarassment in front of family and friends. She rarely goes out with friends but when she does, she comes home falling down drunk (4-6 times a year). Although I like to have a couple beers, I do not drink to excess. I've spoken to her about it and mnay times she agreed it was an issue and was going to change, nothing has ever changed. Now that our boys are getting older and reaching an age where they will start to understand what is going on, I'm starting to get a little concerned. I do not want them to grow up in a household with a fridge containing several bottles wine, beers, and other alcohol. I just don't think it's right. I recently stopped drinking my couple of beers a day in hopes of getting her to do the same, to no avail. Several times a week she invites girl friends over they eat and have wine- every day revolves around drinking wine and I'm just sick of it. As I write this- she is out on the deck with a few friends and they have been drinking wine for the past 5 hours and she will continue until it's time for bed. I told her last night, when I was upset that she invited a few girlfriends over to have wine and I was left to sit alone in the house on our day off (not wanting to sit with the gitrls all day) she always needs to have friends over- maybe she doesn't like to spend a lot of "alone time" with the family, 
I was tired of it and we got in an arguement and low and behold she's doing it again today and I'm stuck in the house researching divorce! . It's a big deal, but there is a lot more to the unhappiness than the drinking.
Also, I travel for work and there were a few times that I called home (on schoolnights) where she had friends over with thier kids) and I could tell she had a buzz over the phone. My heart sank to know my kids where there with her. (not a regular situation but 4-6 imes that I know of in the past couple of years. Everything she does, she has a wine glass in tow.
Other major issues are that she can be extremely moody and is constantly nagging at the kids all day long, to the point where i feel bad for them. She yells at them constantly! When I try to address this, I get an earful as well. I don't thik this is a healthy environment for my boys.
I also no longer feel attracted to my wife and we are rarely intimate, due to lack of interest on my part. honestly, I'm not quite sure if I was ever super attracted to her.
All she does is nag and complain and drink wine. I tend to do a lot of the housework, taking kids to doctors, school meetings, etc..I'm not saying she is useless, she's does a lot as well but we seems to split chores 50-50% (which I think is pretty good for a husband 
I don't think she is happy. Maybe because I am not happy, the love doesn't show and this is causing her to feel bad a drink more?. I also feel she sometimes may regret having our two boys together after already having one previously- when he was 15 we had our first together and the second a year after that. She is rude and rides our boys constantly but her older son from a previuos marrige can not do anything wrong. If anyone says anything about him she defends him and gets upset, every time.

I just feel like I am done, and need to be happy again but I am afraid of what divorce will bring. We have nice house that we will no longer be able to keep, we have bills that we will no longer be able to pay (since we will have to maintian 2 households) etc...all of these things have scared me from divorce in the past. Quite frankly it still scares me. I'm also afraid of what will happen if I am no longer around to help keep her in check (with drinking and also making bad life decissions, or will she make a bad decission if she decides to date again- who will be around my kids). Besides, since being married a lot of friends have gone by the wayside and I don't have anyone to really talk to about this, that's why I'm here. The thought of moving out and living alone with nothing to do, since I won't be with the family and no real friends.

To get to the point, I'm scared to leave for all of these reasons, but I just feel like I'm done. But I am extremely worried about how it will effect my boys. My whole life will change drastically- finacially, emotionally, etc...I'm worried. Should I just try to work on it and stay for the kids and suck it up or move on? If I decide to move on, I'm going to needs liots of help and advice.:scratchhead:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Sorry if I missed this ... is she a SAHM or does she do something else?

My dad was an alcoholic. I enjoy to drink occasionally, but I am careful of it. My wife does not drink. I have grown to really appreciate the fact she does not drink over the years. I flat don't have to deal with this type of thing or dunken GNOs and so on. 

I feel for your situation. I was trying to get some more information to try to help figure out why the drinking kept getting more and more. No doubt this has taken a toll on your marriage. I too would be concerned with my boys if I were you.

The fact she does no go out drinking is a positive.


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## B lookingforadvice (Jul 23, 2011)

Thanks Entropy- She has a full time position at a Bank. She has no issues with drinking during the day, or anything like that- (unless it's a weekend) The drinking situation does bother me. I'm not sure if it's because my views are changing on this issue as I get older and my boys are getting older and her situation is not changing. I also want to say that the drinking is an issue but only a part of the problem. It is the extreme modiness, nagging, and rudeness to all of us in the house. I can deal any more. I'm miserable, but I've sucked it up for the sake of keeping our family together and I'm afraid to loose all that I have. We have good incomes, a nice home, and can afford a decent lifestyle and everything will be gone!!! I've spent 5 years personally renovating our house to get it the way that I like and all my hard work will be gone to. I'm scared to leave all that I have to move to some apartment, alone. I do not not have much of a support circle and few friends since marriage. All I can picture is sitting alone in some crapy apartment with no money, no friends, and nothing to do. A drastic change. It's getting to the point now where I feel I may need to move forward with the attitude that I'm still young enough to eventually recover and get back to the point where I am today, but it will take years. And the most important issue of all is how will this affect my boys. I'm a very involved Dad and I would hate to have the distance between us. The whole thought makes me sad.


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## Kyle5311 (Jul 13, 2011)

Looking for advice, my wife had an affair with my good friend, she was a verbally abusive mother and wife until I caught her. She is trying to change. I don't love her anymore, but I'm here because I love my three daughters. Once they grown and gone I'll consider divorce. Will she go to MC with you to try to iron things out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Kyle5311 said:


> Looking for advice, my wife had an affair with my good friend, she was a verbally abusive mother and wife until I caught her. She is trying to change. I don't love her anymore, but I'm here because I love my three daughters. Once they grown and gone I'll consider divorce. Will she go to MC with you to try to iron things out?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Start a thread of your own. Then maybe folks will engage with you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You're married to an alcoholic. It is a progressive disease. If she continues on the path she's chosen, I assure you it WILL get worse. Here are the 3 C's that are the cornerstone of Al-Anon:

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

The mood swings, irrational outbursts, turning-tables, manipulating, blaming you, the world, and everyone else for her issues is known as denial. 

Alcoholism is an isidious disease and it takes down everyone in its path. If she doesn't want to get help for herself, there is nothing you can do about it. You might want to consider getting your children out of this situation. I know many, many ACOA's (adult children of alcoholics) and there isn't a single one of them who weren't aware, by the time they were 8, that something was terribly wrong at home.

She wants to hang out with other drinkers. She wants her social activities to revolve around booze. Sure, she agrees she has a problem when you discuss it. Anything to get you outta her face and off her back. If you want to find out who wins in this contest, ask her to choose between you and the bottle. I wouldn't bet the farm that you would win in that contest.

And you are right. Nothing changes. So, it's up to you to change. In Al-Anon we have a very simple saying: "Nothing changes, if nothing changes." I'd suggest you check out Al-Anon meetings in your area. The only thing asked of newbies is they try six different meetings to see if it is a fit for them; if not, fine. 

I married an A. He was a great guy. The alcohol changed him into someone I didn't even recognize. And he chose the bottle over me. Thankfully, children weren't involved in that debacle.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

B lookingforadvice said:


> Thanks Entropy- She has a full time position at a Bank. She has no issues with drinking during the day, or anything like that- (unless it's a weekend) The drinking situation does bother me. I'm not sure if it's because my views are changing on this issue as I get older and my boys are getting older and her situation is not changing. I also want to say that the drinking is an issue but only a part of the problem. It is the extreme modiness, nagging, and rudeness to all of us in the house. I can deal any more. I'm miserable, but I've sucked it up for the sake of keeping our family together and I'm afraid to loose all that I have. We have good incomes, a nice home, and can afford a decent lifestyle and everything will be gone!!! I've spent 5 years personally renovating our house to get it the way that I like and all my hard work will be gone to. I'm scared to leave all that I have to move to some apartment, alone. I do not not have much of a support circle and few friends since marriage. All I can picture is sitting alone in some crapy apartment with no money, no friends, and nothing to do. A drastic change. It's getting to the point now where I feel I may need to move forward with the attitude that I'm still young enough to eventually recover and get back to the point where I am today, but it will take years. And the most important issue of all is how will this affect my boys. I'm a very involved Dad and I would hate to have the distance between us. The whole thought makes me sad.


You paint quite a picture. The situation sounds like it has escalated over the years so it is not just that you have matured or have other priorities though that is clearly the case as you describe.

Number one, your wife is in a crisis. She is drinking to excess and has fallen in to some stage of alcoholism. She has an addiction. She needs help. You are her hsuband and need to see that she gets the help that she needs. It is a chicken and egg thing. She drinks to be happy which keeps her from engaging as a responsible adult. The root cause is anyone's guess at this point. You cannot be having a loving relationship if she is having an affair with alcohol. I think you need professional help. You cannot hope to deal with the underlying issues until the drinking gets under control. It is going to take tough love as they say. You have already realized that you cannot just walk away ... yet. You need counseling for yourself as well.


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## B lookingforadvice (Jul 23, 2011)

Without having a lot of experience with Alcoholism, I'm going back and forth trying to decide if it is a problem or not. She drinks at home after work daily, but she is not drunk or buzzed everyday. Maybe a couple of times a month- mostly on a weekend, she'll get a liitle bit. On nights out without kids she will drink to excess. I'm just annoyed by her always having a wine glass next to her all the time. After work until bedtime time and in the afternoons until night on the weekends (if we are home) I just don't think it's a good look for mom to always be carrying around a glass of wine around the house. I enjoy to having a few drinks too, but I only have a 2-3 light beers after work and I always have, I just decided to stop this on Friday and figure I must if I expect her to do the same...It just bothers me that I will need to stop my responsible beer drinking because she has a problem. 
It's been a crappy weekend. We were on vacation all week and got home on Firday afternoon and she had invited a friend over with her kids and another girlfriend and they sat by the pool drinking wine all night. I felt leftout and sat in the house alone- I didn't want to hang out with "the girls" It upset me that she invited everyone over instead of spending time together as a family. She could tell I was upset and this is when I really started to feel even more miserable about our situation and her let her know about it when she came to bed and we had a little arguement, and I (again) told her I was not happy with all of the drinking) She agrued about it and the next day, she invited a few more friends over with thier kids and the girls and kids sat by the pool and I sat in the house all day again! I told her last night that it bothered me that she had invited friends over the past few days without even talking about it and she said that she figured that I didn't want to spend time with her because I was mad at her....Today- she is going out with one of her friends to a winery- let's see what this brings. Everything evolves around wine...I really do not have a lot of feeling for her anymore but I'm not sure what to do. As I said, I am afraid to lose it all. Has anyone taken the steps to leave and regret it or happy that they did?


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## B lookingforadvice (Jul 23, 2011)

I also want to say thanks for everyone's input. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this and reaching out to this forums relly helps. The advice is good and being able to talk about helps too!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

B lookingforadvice said:


> Without having a lot of experience with Alcoholism, I'm going back and forth trying to decide if it is a problem or not. She drinks at home after work daily, but she is not drunk or buzzed everyday. Maybe a couple of times a month- mostly on a weekend, she'll get a liitle bit. On nights out without kids she will drink to excess. I'm just annoyed by her always having a wine glass next to her all the time. After work until bedtime time and in the afternoons until night on the weekends (if we are home) I just don't think it's a good look for mom to always be carrying around a glass of wine around the house. I enjoy to having a few drinks too, but I only have a 2-3 light beers after work and I always have, I just decided to stop this on Friday and figure I must if I expect her to do the same...It just bothers me that I will need to stop my responsible beer drinking because she has a problem.
> It's been a crappy weekend. We were on vacation all week and got home on Firday afternoon and she had invited a friend over with her kids and another girlfriend and they sat by the pool drinking wine all night. I felt leftout and sat in the house alone- I didn't want to hang out with "the girls" It upset me that she invited everyone over instead of spending time together as a family. She could tell I was upset and this is when I really started to feel even more miserable about our situation and her let her know about it when she came to bed and we had a little arguement, and I (again) told her I was not happy with all of the drinking) She agrued about it and the next day, she invited a few more friends over with thier kids and the girls and kids sat by the pool and I sat in the house all day again! I told her last night that it bothered me that she had invited friends over the past few days without even talking about it and she said that she figured that I didn't want to spend time with her because I was mad at her....Today- she is going out with one of her friends to a winery- let's see what this brings. Everything evolves around wine...I really do not have a lot of feeling for her anymore but I'm not sure what to do. As I said, I am afraid to lose it all. Has anyone taken the steps to leave and regret it or happy that they did?


Dude. Seriously. She has a big problem with alcohol.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> You are her hsuband and need to see that she gets the help that she needs.


Nobody can get her the help she needs. She has the problem, she has to seek the help. If we could love addicts out of their addiction, if we could make them see the light, if we could get them into rehab programs and AA, then we would have them all in recovery, wouldn't we? There would be no addicted spouses. The non-drugging/drinking spouse could toss them into a program, see to it that they didn't get a drop to drink when they got home, and voila! no more addiction.

Nope. Don't work that way. This man's wife OWNS her addiction. And she is nowhere near hitting her bottom. She is still high-functioning. And even if she weren't, it's no guarantee she would seek help. 

I watched my husband get multiple DUI's, lose his very-well-paying government job, get his license revoked, spend several nights in jail on at least three occasions .... and still he drinks. After I put him in TWO inpatient rehabs.

So much for the sober spouse "helping" the addicted one.


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

Curious... has she ever gotten a DUI? Has she ever driven with the kids in the car after she has been drinking? For me, that would be my absolute ending point. 

As with any addiction, the person with the addiction has to realize and accept that there is something wrong, nobody else can do that for them. You can help and support her and try to talk her into some sense, but SHE has to be the one to want to get better.


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## B lookingforadvice (Jul 23, 2011)

Never a DUI (she has drove intoxicated a few times in our 12 years, but was never pulled over) Never was drinking and driving with the kids. It's mostly just a couple of glasses after work and at night while watching TV. It's a few glasses daily but not to the point of getting hammered. It's more of the perception of always having a wine with her that bothers me the most. I just don't think I could ever get her to totally quit. There were times when we talked about maybe a glass or two after the kids are in bed, but it never sticks for more than a day or two.

Should I try to have her quit totally or try an "only weekend" thing? Not sure if it will stick but I was never as serious about it as I am now and she knows it. Like I mentioned earlier, it's a lot more than the drinking issue, but we keep coming back to it.


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## B lookingforadvice (Jul 23, 2011)

Anyone have good experiences of leaving and rebounding successfully?


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## stupad (Jul 11, 2011)

BLooking . . . there is no question about this - your wife has a problem. I am the drinker in my marriage (the husband). It's easy to gloss over this as it just being a couple glasses (bottles) of wine. But, if it's bothering you, she's home alone with the kids on occasion drinking, it's a problem. Because it's been going on so long - with no 'big' issues (eg DUI), it might take a lot of time for her to see it as an issue. That's what happened with me. I got up for work, held a job (with promotions, etc) - it all seemed good - except for those few hours of drinking and drunkeness each, and, every, night.

I'll tell you what my wife did that didn't work. She said I was an alcoholic, I had a disease, i needed to goto AA, that I was sick, that I needed help. All true, but I felt it was a controlling thing (another theme in our marriage). It took awhile before I realized she was telling me these things out of love and not control. I always felt that she was out to fix me - and dammit, I was not to be 'fixed' by anyone.

Obviously the dynamics of your marriage are different. Just be prepared for her to be defensive and dismissive of this being a problem. Have your reasons lined up - and make them as objective as you can to avoid appearing judgemental - because then it's your view versus hers. Sometimes people plan interventions where you and others who love her and know of the problem all approach her the same way with some clear cut solutions (eg rehab) and consequences (separation/divorce). I don't think this would have worked for me - but has worked for others I've read about.

The others who have responded on here are all right onthe money. 

I hope there's something in what I posted that helps, or makes sense. Feel free to PM me if you want the drunken spouse's perspective.


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## stupad (Jul 11, 2011)

B lookingforadvice said:


> I just don't *think* I could ever get her to totally quit.


I KNOW that you cannot get her to totally quit.

ONLY she can do that.

You MIGHT be able to help but only if she's will to make it happen.


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## B lookingforadvice (Jul 23, 2011)

Wow...this really hits home. It's given me a lot to thimk about. I think Inowe it her to try to work through this situation. Now it's just finding the right approach. I addressed it a couple times in years past but not seriously. It all led to cutting down drinking, which eventually went back to the it was. Or only drinking after the kids were in bed, but that only lasted a few days. The other time was only on the weekends, but then it kept getting exdtended by a day or so until it was all week again. Is 2 - 3 glasses a night a big deal? I was unsure but it sounds like many here believe it is, and I'm starting to think so too. Thanks for all the advice. She I approached her about cutting down but doing it seriously this time and with consequences, or talk to her about quitting totally. I may be a little selfish in this by thinking that I will never be able to have a beer or too again if I'm asking her to quit. I guess it's a question of how bad do you want. I guess I never saw us havinga few glasses or beers nightly as a big deal until recently when she started to have a glass or so more than usual. Like I said in my earlier post, I just think it's time to cut it down or out so my boys do grow up with parents who drink. Is it a big deal or could I be overreacting since no one is getting drunk on a nightly basis. Do most people have a couple drinks after work, I know many who do, but that does not make it o.k. I guess


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## stupad (Jul 11, 2011)

B lookingforadvice said:


> Wow...this really hits home. It's given me a lot to thimk about. I think Inowe it her to try to work through this situation.


From MHO - this would be a good thing. If she's willing to work through this of her own accord.



B lookingforadvice said:


> It all led to cutting down drinking, which eventually went back to the it was. Or only drinking after the kids were in bed, but that only lasted a few days. The other time was only on the weekends, but then it kept getting exdtended by a day or so until it was all week again.


Yep - and this shows that it's a recurring issue. If could keep it to one of these parameters, I don't think you'd be posting here.




B lookingforadvice said:


> Is 2 - 3 glasses a night a big deal?


That's for you to decide. And if it's only 2-3 glasses (and no more) per evening, it's more than the recommendation for women (1-2 I think) then there doesn't seem to be an escalating problem.



B lookingforadvice said:


> talk to her about quitting totally.


And why not? If this is not a big deal, then you know what your issue is or is not.



B lookingforadvice said:


> I may be a little selfish in this by thinking that I will never be able to have a beer or too again if I'm asking her to quit.


She has the issue with drinking, not you. And, it sounds like this would not be a big issue for you in the grand scale of things.



B lookingforadvice said:


> my boys do grow up with parents who drink. . . .no one is getting drunk on a nightly basis.


My kids are aware of my drinking and I find this embarassing, and at least one has had issue in school because of it. Kids know and understand more than you think they do (in general) ... and I thought you said your wife is getting drunk on a daily basis - so this is an issue. 

Sorry if this is too much info. Your situation just sounds so much like what I put my wife and family through. Your wife may not be able to relate all this to you - but I finally came around and willing to offer my take on stuff like this.


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## B lookingforadvice (Jul 23, 2011)

Thanks! I really appreciate you sharing your experience. I really like what you have to say. She does not get drunk on a daily basis. A couple times a month she might get a buzz, and only gets drunk 4-6 times a year when she goes out. Its just the idea of always having a winne with her that I was more concerned about the boys seeing that. I'm starting to think thats its not a good impression to grow up around alcohol. I don't think the kids ever saw her drunk. It just that she always has a wine glass with her every night. The problem I have is telling her to stop when there is no big issue like getting drunk ever day. That's why I was trying get input on weather having a couple of glasses a night - without getting drunk is really that bad or am I over reacting by thinking that its a bad thing.


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## stupad (Jul 11, 2011)

B lookingforadvice said:


> Its just the idea of always having a winne with her that I was more concerned about the boys seeing that. I'm starting to think thats its not a good impression to grow up around alcohol. .


As they get older, they will understand this more than you think. 



B lookingforadvice said:


> I just think it's time to cut it down or out so my boys do grow up with parents who drink. Is it a big deal or could I be overreacting


If you really questioned about overreacting you wouldn't be here. It is a big deal.

Deal with it. I wish I had 5 years ago. 10 years ago. Or my wife did for me - she didn't

YOU ARE SO FAR AHEAD OF THE GAME by posting this ****! Don't ***** out - your marriage and children are at stake. For Fuc**** real


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