# Cranky wife affecting our relationship.I need female opinions.



## Mishy

Hi everyone,

I want to share with you what's happening in my marriage. I am worried that this is going to affect our married life in a very negative way. My wife is often cranky. When she is like that nothing is right and everything I do seems to make things worse.
She has trouble sleeping and that's one of the causes of her being nervous/tense. But I don't deserve to be yelled at or snapped at just because I happen to be there when she feels bad.

To know a bit more about us I posted also this on the forum http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/42888-she-says-she-has-low-libido-but.html

The thing that hurts me is that when she is cranky we fight for studid things and she always doesn't want to speak to me AND not be touched (I can't hug or take her hand) by me for some time (it can be 2 hours up to 1-2 days). I am really hurt all the times when she does that.
Sometimes I don't even have to say a word and she is mad at me for hours for silly reasons (e.g. I made a noise while she was watching a tv-show).

I am the one always trying to reconcile and make peace but lately I am sick of being the one trying to save things.


Can anyone help me understand what's going through her mind? I have the strong feeling that because I am a "boy" she sees me as an "enemy".

I found this behaviour really immature (and she is 35), I don't know what to do about it.

I tried to talk when we both are calm but I don't get anywhere.


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## that_girl

Sounds to me like she's disengaging and doesn't want to be with you  She just doesn't know what to do about it.


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## SunnyT

Will she go to counseling with you?


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## Mishy

@ SunnyT

I don't know about that. I will have to talk to her about it. 


@ that_girl

We got married less than 6 months ago. Now that I read my post again I forgot to mention that when she not mad anymore she acts like nothing happened and she is close and affectionate to me.


I don't understand.


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## kittykat09

Has she been checked for depression?


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## waiwera

Is this a new behaviour...the crankiness?

Must say... your not having much of a 'honeymoon period' are you?
Your sexlife sucks and your wife is angry and crabby and rude to you.

None of this is how a 6 month old marriage should be.


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## Lordhavok

Could be hormone imbalance, or thyroid gland trouble. I have to deal with both and sometimes It drives me up the wall. Whats fine to say now might not be so good in an hour or two without her getting upset or pissy.


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## AFEH

Mishy said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I want to share with you what's happening in my marriage. I am worried that this is going to affect our married life in a very negative way. My wife is often cranky. When she is like that nothing is right and everything I do seems to make things worse.
> She has trouble sleeping and that's one of the causes of her being nervous/tense. But I don't deserve to be yelled at or snapped at just because I happen to be there when she feels bad.
> 
> To know a bit more about us I posted also this on the forum http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/42888-she-says-she-has-low-libido-but.html
> 
> The thing that hurts me is that when she is cranky we fight for studid things and she always doesn't want to speak to me AND not be touched (I can't hug or take her hand) by me for some time (it can be 2 hours up to 1-2 days). I am really hurt all the times when she does that.
> Sometimes I don't even have to say a word and she is mad at me for hours for silly reasons (e.g. I made a noise while she was watching a tv-show).
> 
> I am the one always trying to reconcile and make peace but lately I am sick of being the one trying to save things.
> 
> 
> Can anyone help me understand what's going through her mind? I have the strong feeling that because I am a "boy" she sees me as an "enemy".
> 
> I found this behaviour really immature (and she is 35), I don't know what to do about it.
> 
> I tried to talk when we both are calm but I don't get anywhere.


Sounds like PMT. Sometimes you just gotta duck and then go and play golf or something. If she's aware, she'll recognise what you're doing and appreciate you for it. It'll take time but don't take it personal and whatever you do don't respond to her jabs or even her left hooks and uppercuts.


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## AFEH

You may want to bear in mind the joke “PMT is something wives have and husbands suffer from”. It takes nothing away from the wives suffering and some do a lot.

But unlike wives, husbands do have a choice as to whether they suffer or not. In essence if you suffer from your wife’s PMT (if indeed that’s what it is) that is your choice. The worse thing to do is to take it personal even though it feels very personal. It has nothing to do with the person you are, you just happen to be there!

So just duck when she’s having a go, make yourself scarce and go and do something you enjoy doing. I cottoned onto this when our sons were quite young, we all suffered. So I taught them to duck and make themselves scare, do something they enjoy doing. After just a little while my wife saw what was happening and she handled her PMT much better from then on!


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## Browncoat

Is it possible that she wants some alone time now and then and isn't expressing it at all well? I'd talk to her, because if that's the case it might be easy to let her have her time alone for an hour every now and then and just get back together once she's composed herself.

I know for me, I have my "man cave" (lol my wife even got a sign that says just that) that I can retreat to for a short while when I want to be alone for 10-15 minutes. We even have a system: door open = I'm just putzing around come on in, closed door means give me a little while.


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## Mishy

@ waiwera:

Yes, it sucks. But I would prefer to find a solution than to cry/complain and do nothing.



@ Lordhavok:

She got a thyroid check (2 times) a few months ago and there was nothing abnormal.


@ AFEH:

I had the same thoughts but this happens in every time of the month, so I guess it's not related to pmt/pms.


@ Browncoat:

I just started to build my "cave", where I can "play" with electronics, a hobby that I have since I was child. Plus I get out of the house cycling (when is not snowing). Sometimes it works I have to say, but some days are bad no matter how nice/polite/delicate I try to be.

As I mentioned before I talked to her about it and she said she would make an effort, but so far she never did.


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## AFEH

With my wife with these things, the “tests” of whatever I typically responded as a codependent would. In that I’d try and get her to “see the light” and change her ways. Crazy or what? I was trying to change another person!

Codependents typically have very poor boundaries and as such they are easily hurt. Simply because without boundaries they let things right the way in to their heart and soul. Codependents are exceptionally easy to hurt, they are very sensitive people and it is easy for another to control the codependent’s emotions.

If this is the case with your good self then you need to take control of yourself. In essence you need to take the remote control your wife has and uses to manipulate your emotions.

This is done with boundaries. You simply don’t let that stuff in. It no longer gets to your heart or your soul. Read up on boundaries, take a look at Relationship Book, Self Help Relationship Book For a Man, Best Manual for Men and get some other books on the subject.

It does mean instead of trying to “understand”, as you are here in the thread you started, you do become intolerant. And what you become intolerant of is your wife’s abusive behaviour. And because of that, your wife will see a new you because you will indeed be a different person.


Then it is totally and absolutely up to your wife as to whether she changes or not! If you do make these changes, it will come as a shock to your wife, not the least because she can no longer control your emotions. You should give her time to adjust to the new person you’ve become.


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## Browncoat

Well my "man cave" idea was actually directed at your wife... perhaps she wants a "woman cave".  A place she can go to be alone for a bit and decompress, or just hang out.

If she could have an easy way too of letting you know if she wants to be alone or not within her cave might help as well.


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## Mishy

AFEH said:


> If this is the case with your good self then you need to take control of yourself. In essence you need to take the remote control your wife has and uses to manipulate your emotions.
> 
> This is done with boundaries. You simply don’t let that stuff in. It no longer gets to your heart or your soul. Read up on boundaries, take a look at Relationship Book, Self Help Relationship Book For a Man, Best Manual for Men and get some other books on the subject.
> 
> It does mean instead of trying to “understand”, as you are here in the thread you started, you do become intolerant. And what you become intolerant of is your wife’s abusive behaviour. And because of that, your wife will see a new you because you will indeed be a different person.
> 
> 
> Then it is totally and absolutely up to your wife as to whether she changes or not! If you do make these changes, it will come as a shock to your wife, not the least because she can no longer control your emotions. You should give her time to adjust to the new person you’ve become.


Thanks a lot AFEH! I will definetely read the book. 
I already started "No More Mr.Nice Guy" as suggested in the other thread I opened.

Thing is I am becoming intolerant day by day. I reached the limit and I don't want to be affected by those silly fights anymore. Every time a fights happen I am more observant of my and her reactions and my feelings. Sometimes she tries to play with guilt and I am forbidding myself to feel guilty.

Some things have changed but I guess it's not going to be quick.

I guess that she has troubles with "guilt", I tried to talk about it but it was like talking to a nice wall.


@ Browncoat:

She already has a place like that: it's the bedroom where she spends a lot of time watching tv-shows. I leave her alone because I don't like to lie in bed if i am not sleepy.


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## Browncoat

How my TV does she watch?

If she watches shows at a specific time every night perhaps try and find something for you to do during that time. Perhaps something out of the house or in your man cave. Maybe she just needs to feel more space from you during her time (assuming it's a reasonable amount of time).


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## lou

As someone who REQUIRES sleep, I have to sympathize with her on some level. If I don't get 7+ hours I am a NIGHTMARE. During crunch time at work, when I get like 4 hours a sleep a night, people actually avoid me. Any common sense, logic, love that I have in my heart is trampled by my crankiness and I am normally described as "excessively perky." And sex? Forget it. Sleep > Sex when I'm only getting a few hours a night 

HOWEVER

It's not a valid excuse. I deal with it because it's just a few weeks a year for me and I love my job. What is causing her sleep problems? Does she get enough exercise? Do you snore really badly? Is this a new problem? Is she only cranky when she can't get enough sleep? Is this an avenue you can explore with a doctor or a sleep clinic of some kind?


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## Browncoat

Oh I missed the sleepy part, yeah my wife gets grumpy if she doesn't get her sleep. To the point where I make darn sure I don't wake her if I can help it.

Check with a doctor to see if she has a sleep disorder of any kind for sure, or if she's getting enough quality sleep.


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## waiwera

Mishy - i'm still curious if this is new behaviour? 
Married 6 months...how long have you known her...has she always been moody and easily angered?

Is she this way with her family and friends...people at work?

Or just you?


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## Mishy

Browncoat said:


> How my TV does she watch?
> 
> If she watches shows at a specific time every night perhaps try and find something for you to do during that time. Perhaps something out of the house or in your man cave. Maybe she just needs to feel more space from you during her time (assuming it's a reasonable amount of time).



How much? A lot in my opinion, I would say at least 3-4 hours a day before and after work. 100% of this is shows that she streams or download over the internet on her laptop.

I only watch one show with her that is "survivor", and the other was "breaking bad". 

Except "survivor" I leave her alone all the time and it's fine with me, I am not really a tv-show guy.

For the doctor/sleep therapy etc. I talked to her about it today but she brushed it away saying that lately she is doing much better. I hope that's true but I also know that those problems are not likely to disappear easily. I think she just doesn't want to go and get checked.

I get cranky too when I don't sleep enough and I am really understanding towards her, but avoiding fights it's a challenge.


@ waiwera

we dated and lived together 18 months before getting married. She has always been like that but lately has become unbearable to me. She is more "brutal" to me than other people. At work she can be b*tchy (and we worked together that's the way I know) but not the way she is at home with me.


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## waiwera

Mishy - people treat you the way you let them mostly. Are there people she repects that she isn't rude to? I'm wondering if she can control her crabbiness if she needs to.

What would she say if you pulled her up on her rudeness? " hey please do not speak to me like that..it's dispectful/hurts my feeling etc..."

If she is crabby with a lot of people alot of the time she may do it without realising.. but it's not ok. You don't deserve to be spoken to like that...keep reminding yourself of that.

You use the word brutal in her treatment of you...that's so sad. I want home and me to be the soft place my H comes home to each night...brutal shouldn't be part of any connection between a man and wife.

Difficult if this is her personality though... you can't change that. 
Only your reaction to it. 


"If I am not for myself, who will be" - Pirke Arot


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## Mishy

waiwera said:


> Mishy - people treat you the way you let them mostly. Are there people she repects that she isn't rude to? I'm wondering if she can control her crabbiness if she needs to.
> 
> What would she say if you pulled her up on her rudeness? " hey please do not speak to me like that..it's dispectful/hurts my feeling etc..."


Hi Waiwera. Well, you're right about setting boundaries, and I am working on it.
I have grown up in a very strict and weird family and I started breathing freely and to appreciate life and all its colours just a few years ago. This is not an excuse for me being "passive", but it's something that is somewhat there and I am working on.


About explaining to her what I feel when she is rude, I have done that several times. At first she is upset, then after a while (it can be hours) she apologizes to me. I tolerated this but it's not enough for me now. It's like knowing that you hurt someone if you slap him/her but you keep doing it and then you apologize later.


I agree that she may be crabby/unreasonable without her knowing, well I decided to let her know all the time she is.

I think she is a good person. I just want to get along and eliminate this silly fights.


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## Mishy

An update.


The last few days we had fights again. I find it very difficult to communicate. English is not my first language and I don't know if that's part of the problem too. 
I felt that whenever I tried to express my own opinion I was making her mad. This is very frustrating to me so I basically "shut down" and stopped trying to talk.


Anyway she mentioned that she was tired, and she has not slept well. I suggested going to a doctor/sleep clinic to get checked or at least to get opinions/ideas of what could be the cause of not sleeping.
Her reaction was contrary ("NO!") and quite strong.I asked her why she was upset by me asking and she said that her dad went to a sleep clinic to solve his sleep problems but even after surgery the problem is still there.





waiwera said:


> You use the word brutal in her treatment of you...that's so sad. I want home and me to be the soft place my H comes home to each night...brutal shouldn't be part of any connection between a man and wife.



I was thinking about this the other day. I came home and I was happy, but as soon as I walked in I could feel the tension and of course my wife was moody. That made me really sad.


I don't know what to do.


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## Browncoat

You mentioned that English isn't your first language, and it sounds like at times it creates a bit of a problem for you. Have you thought about writing down how you feel or what you want to say to her?

I'd also say that writing it on some stationary if you have some, might be a nice touch if it's something beautiful that you want to tell her (that way she has a keepsake).


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## Mishy

Browncoat said:


> You mentioned that English isn't your first language, and it sounds like at times it creates a bit of a problem for you. Have you thought about writing down how you feel or what you want to say to her?
> 
> I'd also say that writing it on some stationary if you have some, might be a nice touch if it's something beautiful that you want to tell her (that way she has a keepsake).


Well, my English level is quite good, I scored and overall of 7,5 out of 8 at the IELTS test 3 years ago and worked and lived in English-speaking countries since 2008.

I guess for me more than the words it's hard to get in the "slang" or the way you use some words that can have multiple meanings depending on the context.

I will try to write something, I don't know what else to do.


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## lovelygirl

Mishy said:


> we dated and lived together 18 months before getting married. She has always been like that but lately has become unbearable to me. She is more "brutal" to me than other people. At work she can be b*tchy (and we worked together that's the way I know) but not the way she is at home with me.


I'm sorry to say she's treating you very disrespectfully and you don't deserve this.
Show her the man you are and put some limits.


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## Browncoat

Mishy said:


> How much? A lot in my opinion, I would say at least 3-4 hours a day before and after work. 100% of this is shows that she streams or download over the internet on her laptop.


That is a lot of TV. She may feel better about herself if she took 1 of those hours and used it to take a walk around the neighborhood.

Sitting in front of the boob tube is easy, but excessive use doesn't do anyone good.


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## padgalen

yep sound like PMT. But if it really is that then WHATEVER you do , it will be wrong , eg going off to play golf , ignoring it, refusing to respond (she will keep going until you do), being loving to her, being not loving to her ......whatever.

PMT is an interesting thing because it can be viewed in so many different ways : eg "its a disease , and the poor women sufferers should receive only sympathy from the bastard men who dare to whisper that their own lives are made difficult but it " or "its socially constructed and in effect is just an excuse for bad behavior, by spoilt little madams". plus other views and the variations in between. 

Anyhow, going off to play golf wont help my friend. If it this bad you are going to have to address it with her in a lucid interval when she is relatively sane. If it that bad the nshe need SSRIs , eg fluoxetine. This is not just for her benefit, but for yours and for the sake of the marriage.

Good luck. 
You'll need it.


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## DTO

waiwera said:


> None of this is how a 6 month old marriage should be.


Sounds like maybe the early stages of one of these marriages where the lady got married without being sufficiently attracted.

I have a hard time accepting that interpersonal / relationship difficulties simply started so early in the marriage that at six months it has escalated to this level.

Talk to your wife and insist on truth. Listen to what she says but do not accept b.s. Share your thought that this is pretty early in the marriage for these sorts of issues and you are concerned about the implications for her innate commitment to you and the marriage.


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## The_Swan

Before I realized that I suffered from anxiety, I'd do to my husband what your wife does to you. 

I didn't realize just how much my disorder affected so many aspects of our marriage. 
I sought treatment and things have been much better ever since. 

If your wife has a mental disorder, then have her seek help.


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## kurak

check for BPD. I just purchased fifth book. It might be sickness. If so sorry my friend. My wife suffers from that. Not to easy but with three kids not many choices. Be aware. Love is the only power. Unconditional love is the only medicine but take care of yourself (love yourself, never stop as you can't love others without it).


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