# Marriage ultimatum from girlfriend



## Oak520 (Jan 2, 2013)

I've been dating my girlfriend for 3 years (this month) and was given the marriage ultimatum a little under a year ago. She obviously was expecting a proposal on NYE 2012 and when that didn't happen she instantly became distant and has been cold, distant, short, etc with me since. She doesn't have very high self esteem, has anxiety issues and is frequently saying how she feels like her life is over, she's old (she's 31), overweight, hates her job, her life isn't as exciting as others lives, what is the purpose of life, her biggest fear is being alone, etc. This is not to say she is like this 100% of the time but at least 2-3 times a month. About 10 months ago, she confessed to me that she has thought at least on more than one occasion of 'what it would be like if she wasn't here anymore'. She had had a bad breakup before our relationship and though I really don't know any of the details, she went on anti-depressants as a result (she is off of them now but still sometimes takes something for anxiety). I get the feeling she thinks marriage and having children will help with her issues. I feel really horrible but I think I have fallen into the love but not in love category with her. I just can't tell her these are the reasons I don't think I can marry her; that could send her spiraling I fear. I know I'm not perfect either but her emotional issues are taking a toll on me. 

Again, I don't mean to paint the picture that she is down in the dumps all of the time but I also think she is just doing the 'fake it til you make it'. Then after doing that for awhile she melts down.

I know her biological clock is ticking and I really want to be respectful of that, I just can't hurt her and think maybe I should just give her what she wants.

Thanks


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think if you're not seeing her as marriage material, you have a duty to tell her so and let her get on with her life in whatever way she sees fit.


----------



## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

She doesn't need an engagement ring. She needs medical/psychiatric help. These are terrible reasons to get married.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Zig hit it right on the head.

She has issues she needs help with. She has an extremely low self esteem and depression and if you really don't see yourself ever marrying her, cut her loose now

If you do think you may want to marry her sometime in the future, be sure you know what your up against here. It won't be easy


----------



## Oak520 (Jan 2, 2013)

Thanks. I think I've always known that that is the right answer, it's just finding the right words to tell her. I KNOW she doesn't think she has a any problems. Even though she has taken medication in the past, she just views her emotional issues as normal and 'all girls are emotional like this'.

I know she will get very angry and cry her eyes out if I tell her. It also complicates things a bit in that we have been living together for 6 months.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If you're not feeling it be honest. She's allowed to cry and be upset over it, heart break is tough. I wouldn't allow any of that to manipulate me into staying though. What good will that be for either one of you in the long run? Just tell her straight out. It's not working, and you're sorry for that, but you wish her well.


----------



## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

What they said. Tear off the band-aid and get on with your life. Yes it is going to hurt but not as bad as sticking it out for 10 years and then getting divorced with kids. Find someone that you are really in love with and let her do the same.


----------



## Oak520 (Jan 2, 2013)

A few months ago, I did delicately suggest she go back on her medication or talk to a doctor when she told me she has high anxiety. She told me later that she was very hurt that I would suggest something like that. I thought that was the right thing to say and was only trying to help.


----------



## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

We are all responsible for our own happiness. A partner can support us, but if we feel miserable, then the partner would only end up being taken for granted... then be a part of the misery.

She has to break away from such mindset or else neither of you (if you choose to be with her) will be happy. Not even marriage would be enough, and you would become an extra reason for her to get depressed about... also, it would be very draining to you.

I understand that you are afraid of the consequences of choosing the wrong words, and I don't really know what you can say... But get her help, she needs counseling.


----------



## Oak520 (Jan 2, 2013)

Thanks everyone.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You've been with her long enough, and she's right. She's not getting any younger. Time to fish or cut bait. Leading her on is just wrong.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This isn't what you want to hear, but someone who doesn't know if she wants to even be among the living or not has little to give to you, future kids, or anyone else. A husband or kids isn't going to make her happy. Nobody can make anyone else happy. People are either upbeat, optimistic, and joyful or they aren't. Your's suffers from depression. Her weight is and always has been under her control. Her career is also under her control. She allegedly wants to be married but she hangs with a guy over 3 years without getting a proposal. All she has to do is walk but she doesn't. I'd bet a ring and a marriage license would only make her a depressed married woman as opposed to a depressed, single one. My wife suffers from depression and it's no walk in the park. It sucks to wonder every day if you'll walk in to find your wife swinging, overdosed, or with wrists slashed. Life is too short to spend in abject misery and when depressed people marry, two people get to suffer from depression. She needs professional help and maybe someday she might be wife material.


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You've been with her long enough, and she's right. She's not getting any younger. Time to fish or cut bait. Leading her on is just wrong.


:iagree: 

You've been together long enough that you should know whether or not you truly want to marry her. If you don't, then you need to let her go so she can find someone who also wants to get married. It is cruel to lead her on thinking that you two have a future together when you don't feel that way.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Oak520 said:


> A few months ago, I did delicately suggest she go back on her medication or talk to a doctor when she told me she has high anxiety. She told me later that she was very hurt that I would suggest something like that. I thought that was the right thing to say and was only trying to help.


If you have to be "delicate" around her when it involves her health & suicide talk because she gets "very hurt" then a marriage to her could be a nightmare for you.

She KNOWS you don't want to marry her. She is trying to manipulate you into it because nothing else is working for her (ultimatums, etc.).

Don't feel bad or guilty. You seem like a nice guy who gave this relationship your best shot.

She is still young enough to marry & have lots of children!

Also, by you leaving, although it will be hard for her at first, it may also be what is needed for her to get her emotional health "fixed." 

Good luck.


----------



## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

Oak520 said:


> A few months ago, I did delicately suggest she go back on her medication or talk to a doctor when she told me she has high anxiety. She told me later that she was very hurt that I would suggest something like that. I thought that was the right thing to say and was only trying to help.


Anxiety medication isn't something you can go on and off at your leisure. You did the right thing here. I think you are at a crossroads.

It sounds like you want to break it off with her but you are worried about her well-being. Tough spot, my friend. Best of luck.


----------



## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

And this may not be a popular opinion among some but I also want to say that she is just as culpable as you are as to where you guys stand. She may have given you an ultimatum a year ago but, just like you, she has free-will. You have the right to not want to marry her just as much as she has the right to tell you goodbye and move on. She made the decision to hang on for as long as you have. She took a gamble that you were going to propose and you didn't. Sure, she is going to be upset but she should be as equally upset with herself as she is with you. It's unfortanate that things didn't work out and it's going to take time to get over the hurt and pain but she will get through it. And so will you. And of course this is an opinion based on the assumption you haven't led her on over the past year or so by saying you want to spend the rest of your life with her, etc etc. Because then, yes, I could see where she'd want to hang on and expect a proposal. But if you have been wishy-washy and non-committal then she should have walked away a long time ago. 

Good luck.


----------



## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

She needs to stay on antidepressants. If weight is an issue Wellbutrin is an antidepressant that doesn't cause weight gain for most people. You need to make a decision. If you are not going to marry her you need to let her go. You are standing in the way of what she wants and she isn't getting any younger. You aren't doing her any favors by stringing her along.


----------



## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Seriously, why would you move in together when you knew darn well you had no intentions of marrying her?

So when are you breaking up with her?


----------



## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

I don't even know this woman, and you've already convinced me not to marry her.



Oak520 said:


> I've been dating my girlfriend for 3 years (this month) and was given the marriage ultimatum a little under a year ago.


So that's a red flag. 



> She obviously was expecting a proposal on NYE 2012 and when that didn't happen she instantly became distant and has been cold, distant, short, etc with me since.


So her way of responding to not being married is to be an *******? And how do you think she'll act when she's married? Will she magically change for no reason, or will she continue to be an *******?



> frequently saying how she feels like her life is over, she's old (she's 31), overweight, hates her job, her life isn't as exciting as others lives, what is the purpose of life, her biggest fear is being alone, etc.


And her method to not die alone is to become cold and distant toward her boyfriend of 3 years? Sounds more like she WANTS to die alone.



> About 10 months ago, she confessed to me that she has thought at least on more than one occasion of 'what it would be like if she wasn't here anymore'. She had had a bad breakup before our relationship and though I really don't know any of the details, she went on anti-depressants as a result (she is off of them now but still sometimes takes something for anxiety). * I get the feeling she thinks marriage and having children will help with her issues.*


Did the magic aliens from schizophrenia land tell her this? Those damn aliens really seem to get around. They convince a lot of people that things magically get better after marriage. Of course it never works that way.



> I feel really horrible but I think I have fallen into the love but not in love category with her. I just can't tell her these are the reasons I don't think I can marry her; that could send her spiraling I fear. I know I'm not perfect either but her emotional issues are taking a toll on me.


How about reverse ultimatum: I'll marry you when you get your crap together and stop having hardcore emotional problems.




> Anxiety medication isn't something you can go on and off at your leisure. You did the right thing here. I think you are at a crossroads.


It's really a shame that society pushes an anti-drug mentality. Without my brain drugs, my life would still be a complete disaster. I have no shame admitting that I absolutely need those drugs just to function properly, and I'm doing quite well on them. Social life is up, career is up, negotiating skills are up, finances are doing great, etc.


----------

