# What do I do?



## Squishy (Feb 3, 2014)

My husband and I have been together for nearly six years and married for two. The fighting started almost immediately and I always threatened to leave, but gave him a chance every single time. Its so hard to pinpoint exactly what my issues are with him because there are so many. He makes me feel so under appreciated and like I'm not important to him at all. He never compromises with me on anything. We've tried marriage counseling, but he stopped going after three sessions because he didn't think it was working. Correct me if I'm wrong, but three sessions of marriage counseling is not enough to actually make a difference.

As a result, I met someone online. I have never met this person in real life, it has remained strictly online. We have been talking for two years. He became my solace in a time when I felt like I had no one else to talk to. Feelings and a romance developed, and I admit there is an emotional attachment. Before I had this other man to talk to, I was incredibly depressed. I had contemplated suicide. My husband knew how depressed I was but always accused me of just wanting attention.

My husband knows about it and has since it started, I have never lied to him about it. But now, he is demanding that I remove the other man from my life completely and give my husband access to absolutely everything from my cell phone to my email. He has told me that I have a month to give him everything he is demanding or he will have me forcibly removed from the home we share. My husband promises that this time is different and that he will actually take me into consideration and go to therapy with me, but not until this other man is gone and he is convinced of that.

I understand completely that I what I did was wrong. I am not at all in denial about that and don't want to try and justify what I did. For me, it has never been a question of who I would rather be with. At the moment, my hesitation to comply to my husband's demands is more about whether or not I trust him to actually keep his promise this time. After four years of broken promises, I am finding it very very hard to believe that this time will be any different. I asked if he could at least start doing counseling with me to show me that he intended to keep his promises, but he refuses.

I need some advice on what to do. Do I give my husband what he wants and take his word that this time he does care about our relationship and gets it? Or do I just go with my gut and end the marriage?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Squishy said:


> He has told me that I have a month to give him everything he is demanding or he will have me forcibly removed from the home we share.


He can't really do that.

That much being said I can't blame him for saying it and trying to coerce you into ending an emotional affair that you are unwilling or unable to do yourself. 

If you're so unhappy with him than why not divorce him and go be with the other guy?


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## Squishy (Feb 3, 2014)

Thats one of the fights we've had in the past. When we got married I asked him to mail in the our marriage license, and he told me that he did. Just a month ago (a year and a half AFTER we got married) I found the marriage license. Crumpled up and nearly torn in half on the floor of his car. He never mailed it in. I'm not sure if we are even legally married?

On top of that, even though we bought the house together, he refuses to put my name on any of the paperwork. So technically, couldn't he say that I am merely a roommate?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I doubt if the cops showed up at your door they'd agree that you weren't married just because he didn't mail in the marriage license. Not even sure what mail in the marriage license actually means. 

Odds are they'd say that you guys have to work this out yourselves, or tell it to a judge. Even roommates have rights too. They're not going to put you out in the street.


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## Squishy (Feb 3, 2014)

Thats reassuring. I was worried that I would be forced out of my home. 

As far as why I haven't left him at this point, I honestly can't explain. I do love him, I really do. Part of me kept hoping that each time we fought and he promised to change, he meant it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your husband is right in that nothing is repairable until you get the other man out of your life, totally and completely. If he was here, he'd be getting advice to do exactly that, except it would be immediate, not in a month. 

Having said that, now it's time for you to put on your big girl panties and make a choice. Personally, I would suspect your husband won't make lasting changes. So unless you want to stay on your current roller coaster, it would be time to let him go. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squishy (Feb 3, 2014)

PBear said:


> Your husband is right in that nothing is repairable until you get the other man out of your life, totally and completely. If he was here, he'd be getting advice to do exactly that, except it would be immediate, not in a month.
> 
> Having said that, now it's time for you to put on your big girl panties and make a choice. Personally, I would suspect your husband won't make lasting changes. So unless you want to stay on your current roller coaster, it would be time to let him go.
> 
> ...


My hesitation in biting the bullet and giving in to him comes from the fact that even before this other man came into the picture, he never cared to try and fix our relationship. I feel like he's latched onto my mistake now to try and excuse his behavior in the past, when it simply doesn't work. I'm not saying what I did was okay, I know it wasn't. But I just don't see how he could possible mean it when he says he wants to fix things now. What was holding him back in the past?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Squishy said:


> My hesitation in biting the bullet and giving in to him comes from the fact that even before this other man came into the picture, he never cared to try and fix our relationship. I feel like he's latched onto my mistake now to try and excuse his behavior in the past, when it simply doesn't work. I'm not saying what I did was okay, I know it wasn't. But I just don't see how he could possible mean it when he says he wants to fix things now. What was holding him back in the past?


At best, his intentions are good and he realizes how he was wrong in the past. But the odds of him making lasting changes are slim, IMHO. 

At worst, he's deliberately thinking that he just doesn't want you to be happy with someone else, and he's trying to mess things up, even though he doesn't particularly want you. This scenario also doesn't work in your favor. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Squishy said:


> Thats reassuring. I was worried that I would be forced out of my home.


Well, ultimately it's possible.

He could conceivably go to the courthouse and file a petition and request for sole occupancy of the home during the duration of the divorce action. Perhaps he could try to make the case that you two are not officially married because the license was never filed with the clerk, but that sounds like a long shot to me. Call the county courthouse where you were married and see what they have on file. He'd also have to come up with good reasons why he deserves to stay in the house and you don't. His name being on all the paperwork doesn't cut it. Especially if you've made contributions towards the value of the home while you were together. 

But that could take months and would require a hearing- in most if not all cases. No one is going to show up at your door and say "get out". At least, not unless he files a restraining order against you or something. That sort of thing happens all the time, usually the woman files one against her husband alleging that she's in fear of him. But that's about the only way someone can get tossed out of their home with no notice at all.

That much being said, if you're not going to give up on this other guy and work on the marriage, eventually you will be living somewhere else. It's only a matter of time.


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## Squishy (Feb 3, 2014)

lenzi said:


> That much being said, if you're not going to give up on this other guy and work on the marriage, eventually you will be living somewhere else. It's only a matter of time.


Its not that I don't want to give up the other guy. I know what he represents. The other guy is essentially filling a void of the things I am lacking in my current relationship. I'm aware that in order to fix things I do need to cut the other guy out of my life. There's no question about that. I'm just not sure that I am willing to go back to the constant depression and sadness I felt.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Either way, it's not healthy to go on the way you're going. You're living with your husband and having an emotional affair with some other guy. One way or another this has to stop, for everyone's sake. Get the deep problems addressed, whatever it takes. Otherwise, you'll just coast along and never fully get through those inner hurts. 

Part of recovery from hurts like this is taking responsibility. Hard choices have to be made. I strongly recommend that you cut off the other guy and try to reconcile to your husband. Then go from there. Other people will say to choose one guy or the other (meaning divorce is an option), but I would fully invest yourself into your marriage without considering divorce as a possible option, because when you have it in the back of your mind you never commit as strongly.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Inner strength comes from making hard choices.


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