# How to deal



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I was given the talk of ILYBNILYW from my wife of 9 years (11 years) together about a month ago. I also discovered that a day before she gave me the talk she started texting her "just friend". She said that his guy has been divorced, and she is talking with him on how to cope. Yeah right. 

What I'm dealing with now is how to cope with the betrayal. How to deal with all those feelings of being cast aside by the woman who said she always wanted to be with you. All of our shared hopes, dreams for ourselves and our children, gone. 

She experienced a lot of weight loss over the last two years, so I know that this is factoring into it. I think she is going through some sort of mid life crisis. I always gave her affection, attention, etc. I was probably too much of a nice guy the last year of our marriage.

I just don't know how to get past the betrayal?


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

I can't figure out what ILYBNILYW is. 

Get ahold of her phone and see if she has any text messages. Though she's probably deleting them the moment she reads them to not be found out.

I have a friend who drastically lost weight. Her husband wasn't giving her the attention she wanted and looked elswhere. Luckily for her, it never got to the sexual stage. Her husband found out and she stopped.
Though, a part of me believes she is still carrying on. She doesn't speak to me about it anymore because she knows how I feel about cheaters.

Stay on these boards and read the advice given to others and hopefully it will work out for you and what you want.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you" is what is means.

What does she want?
What do you want?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What kind of phone do you have ? Can you get the texts? ILYBINILWY almost always means she has a new man or is trying to real hard. Who is the Om? Do you KNOW he is getting a divorce?


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

The other man has been divorced for four years, his kids are in the same age range as my kids. They have already had a play date with the two kids, I told them in no uncertain terms that is not to happen again until the divorce is final.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sorry, I didn't realized that you were getting divorced already.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

"The other man has been divorced for four years, his kids are in the same age range as my kids. They have already had a play date with the two kids, I told them in no uncertain terms that is not to happen again until the divorce is final."

So you are just going to hand her over to him without a fight? WTF?


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I've been fighting for her! I've done the whole begging and pleading. She told me that the last year she has been dealing with the feelings of whether she loves me or not. I've just come to the realization that if she doesn't love me, that is her decision. She has gone to individual counseling. I suggested marriage counseling, she said no. She told me that her therapist told her that Marriage Counseling will not help to restore the feeling of love. I die a thousand times a day, but I have to live for myself and my two children now. I deserve someone in my life that will want to love me, not because I beg her to love me. I would give anything to change her mind, but only she can change her mind.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

Stop begging, pleading, and being weak; that's the opposite of what works. Man up. Think Bond. Be Bond.

She has to end the affair before there is any hope. The affair fog of fantasyland has to lift before you have a shot.

Serve her with divorce papers...she is already gone. The reality of divorce may be the one thing that snaps her out of her affair. If not, well then continue divorce proceedings until they are final.

Hang in there man, we've been there too. Hit the gym, take care of YOU, and transform yourself into that strong alpha-male that got her in the first place.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Ok p-Daddy. Im going to give you the best advice you will ever hear 

*LET HER GO!!! *

You need to man up, start working on yourself and stop this sniveling girly pleading and begging.(read up on the "180" This will accomplish two things
1) she will come to see you in a different light... A man of strength and potentially desirable
2) this will prepare you should the divorce actually occur.

This program works 100% of the time. I just can't tell you if it will be winning her back or making you stronger for the divorce.

If her affair is not already common knowledge, you should be exposing it to everyone. Family and friends should get a glimpse of what your spouse truly is doing. 

Sorry you are here.


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

Begging and pleading will get you squat. You may never get back together, but you can get your own head in the right place. Cut her cold to the point where you wouldn't lift a finger to help her even if she had a foot stuck in a train track with the express drawing on. She doesn't love you, so stop loving her. Resentment won't do for the long-term, but it's still healthier than self-abasement.

If she comes back around, put your feet up and weigh that one at your leisure. I'm in that position right now and it does have some entertainment value.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

proudwidaddy said:


> I've been fighting for her! I've done the whole begging and pleading. She told me that the last year she has been dealing with the feelings of whether she loves me or not. I've just come to the realization that if she doesn't love me, that is her decision. She has gone to individual counseling. I suggested marriage counseling, she said no. She told me that her therapist told her that Marriage Counseling will not help to restore the feeling of love. I die a thousand times a day, but I have to live for myself and my two children now. I deserve someone in my life that will want to love me, not because I beg her to love me. I would give anything to change her mind, but only she can change her mind.


Do NOT beg or plead. It's humiliating to you and it doesn't work.

You said you've been too much the nice guy. So stop doing that. Start taking care of yourself and give your wife a taste of what divorced life is going to be like. Stop supporting her. Stop talking to her about anything except your children and the divorce.

Start running the 180. That means change your behavior 180 degrees from what you've been doing, which doesn't work. Appear strong and indifferent. You want to project the image of a strong, confident man who is completely capable of thriving after your divorce. This will distance you emotionally from your wife and make divorce less traumatic for you. And it may bring your wife back to her senses and convince her to recommit to your marriage.

Go to Divorce Advice for Men and Fathers | Men and Divorce | Cordell and Cordell | DadsDivorce.com for advice on picking out a lawyer. Let her know that you're shopping for one.

Also, expose the affair to her family and friends. Call them and tell them she's involved with this other man, so you're divorcing. They may be able to get her to think twice. It's likely that some in their social circle won't be very accepting of the two of them if they know exactly how their relationship started.

Work on improving yourself. Add some alpha behavior to your personality. Get in shape. Work on a hobby. Your wife may become more interested in you. But, if not, you'll be more attractive to other women on the dating scene.

Good luck.
The Healing Heart: The 180


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Proudwidaddy I feel for you.

Check out this website: No More Mr. Nice Guy. On here you will learn how to stand up for yourself, the 180 Turnaround system, and you'll meet alot of great guys (like me, ha!) who have learned how to stop being "nice guys" and have grown towards becoming "integrated men" (IMs). Also get the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It helped me tremendously and it will help you too. 

Kick that creature you call a wife to the curb! Make her leave. If she thinks her life with you is so unbearable, then she needs to go. Don't you go anywhere! Stay put! Hopefully her little happy affair will fall down on top of her, and when it does, she'll be looking back over the smoking wasteland of her life straight back at you: the wonderful compassionate man she left behind.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

The thing that I've been dealing with is to get my head and heart on the same page. My head realizes that the wife I fell in love with, had children with, spent the last 11 years with is gone, and in this place is a new person that I don't respect. However, my heart is still holding on. Quite the battle.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

But it is a battle you can win my friend. Stay true to yourself. Get out and become the man you want to be! Do not rely on her to validate you. She is the failure, not you! Forget your head and heart... go with your GUT! Your GUT is telling you this woman is making chump change out of you. Get on NMMNG, buy the book and do the program. It will change the way you look at yourself and your life. Disconnect yourself from your feelings. Become a robot when you are around her. Choose right now to emotionally disengage from her. Dig deep and grab on to your warrior's heart. It's in there, you just have to believe!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The 180
April 15 2011 at 8:48 AM Ami (Login Amistandingstill)
Healing Moderator 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Are you trying to bust up her affair? There may be ways to do that.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Good stuff Chapparal.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Do the 180. Its not a tool to manipulate her. Its a self-empowerment to to help you detach and gain the strength to move on with or without her. Time to get rid of your codependency and Nice Guy syndrome.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I hope proudwidaddy listens to kando and the other. There is only one way she is coming back. That's if you respect yourself enough to let her go. The best thing you can do to get her back is let reality sink in. Separate finances, no credit cards. Expose to everyone (sept the kids). If its a fellow employee, out them to their bosses or HR. To love you, she has to respect you first.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You may want to dig deeper into phone records, texts etc. I'm guessing something has been going on for quite awhile.


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