# Dating someone new, separated but still married. HELP!



## Seahorse001

My 'husband' and I separated over 8 months ago.... this would be our second time at separating and this time we are not getting back together. Our marriage has been over on an emotional and physical level for over 2 years anyway. We finally made the decision and verbalized the separation 8 months ago.

We still live together, for the kids and financial reasons - our house is big enough and over 2 floors so he has the downstairs area and I have the upstairs with the children. We hardly see each other even though we still live together. He also travels a lot for work. About 6 months ago, he told me it wouldn't bother him if I started dating again. He said he would be completely fine with it.

I did date someone, but it was more from a sense of "rebound" than anything else, and that 'relationship' (if you could even call it that) only lasted 3 months. I never told my husband about it because I would only make such announcements if I thought the relationship was going somewhere. I also swore I would never introduce anyone I date to my kids, unless I knew they were here to stay.

About 4 weeks ago, I met someone... and this is different. It was like 2 souls connecting. We have been inseparable ever since. We got serious pretty quick I guess because we saw each other every single day so we got to know each other faster than if it had been a couple of times a week on dinner dates. We are really crazy about each other and maybe this is premature, but we both want this to last and go the distance... He told me he was here to stay  We're both single parents, both had 'blah' marriages before that didn't work out, both had the same exact experiences, and we share SO much, have SO much more in common than we've had with either of our past exes, etc... like I said, it was like a meeting of the souls. I already feel like he is my best friend in such a short time, and he feels the same for me. Neither one of us has ever had that feeling even with our past partners.

I guess my question is: should I tell my ex that I'm dating him? Just a week ago he asked me if I liked "J" (he knew about him because I mentioned I'd met a single dad) I told him I did but that I wasn't dating him. He re-iterated to me that he hopes I would feel comfortable enough to tell him these things because he wants us to be friends. But I still feel uncomfortable telling him because of our past baggage - one of the reasons our marriage ended is because he has this habit of getting information out of me, citing it's OK to talk openly to him, only to use that info against me later! So, forgive me if I don't fully trust that he'd be OK with this, even though he's telling me he is!

But "J" and I are getting serious pretty quick, and it would be such a relief to be able to tell my ex that I'm going out to see him, rather than lie ("Oh I'm going to the gym" or "I'm going to see my friend Emily")... it's exhausting frankly and I feel like a teenager again lying to my parents to go see the boy I like!! It wouldn't be this way if we didn't live together, but the fact is, we do.

Has anyone had any experience with this? Dating after separation but still technically married and living under one roof?! Sounds like a soap opera!!! 

I am really crazy about "J" and we both really want this to work. He's already introduced me to his kids and we all just 'fit' so well together. He's already met my kids too and they really like him (and his boys!) All that's standing in the way at the moment is my doubt that I can be open and honest about it to my ex... should I wait a little while longer? I get that 4 weeks is a bit TOO soon to tell, but you know... when you know, you know


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## PBear

How long do you plan on living with your husband?

My advice... Tell him. It's going to come up sooner or later, and it will be less of a problem if it comes from you, rather than him hearing from your kids (and it was a bad decision to introduce your new guy to the kids before telling your husband). 

And finish off your marriage ASAP. Is this what you're trying to teach your kids as acceptable behaviour?

C


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## Jellybeans

Just tell him the truth.

Also, consider moving out of your home, etc. Because dating someone new while living in your marital home with your husband isn't something I'd recommend anyone to do.

Four weeks is a bit fast to know if anyone is "here to stay." Just saying.

Go slow. Don't rush anything. Get a divorce.


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## SamuraiJack

Seahorse001 said:


> Has anyone had any experience with this? Dating after separation but still technically married and living under one roof?! Sounds like a soap opera!!!


It SOUNDS like two people who are so ambivalent about their future ex's that they are just letting the boundaries fall where they may.

You cant be serious about this wanting to last because you havent finished old business yet. 
Not NEARLY enough.

You need to sit back and reorganize your priorities for your kid's sake and complete your divorce before going down the road any further with this man. 
It just sends all the wrong messages and teaches the kids that relationships are easy to jump to and from and it doesnt really matter if you leave things in the air.

Telling your husband should be the least of your worries at this point.


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## COguy

If only people spent as much time in counseling as they do meeting their soul mates.....

Your new love connection has danger written all over it.

You're still married, still LIVING with your husband. And you meet a guy for 4 weeks and know that he's "here to stay?"

I feel like this is all I say in the forums anymore, but the biggest red flag of someone with a personality disorder is escalating relationship quickly. These whirlwind love romances are downright scary to hear. You can't possibly know enough about a person after a month to make a determination like that. It takes, on average, 2 years before you can start to know what a person is truly like. That is how long it takes for people to stop putting on masks in their relationships.

If lover boy is so amazing, and so willing to be with you forever, I'm sure he'll still be there in 6 months when you are divorced and had some counseling.


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## Jellybeans

COguy said:


> If only people spent as much time in counseling as they do meeting their soul mates.....


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## grays

I have a similar living arrangement. We're doing it partly for financial reasons but mostly bc neither of us wants to be separated from the kids for any length of time. Plus, stbx knew a family that did it when he was growing up and it worked out really well for them. Stbx's parents divorced when he was young and he was always jealous of these kids bc they were always able to have both parents w them. When money gets a little easier, we'd like to buy a duplex and depending on how we feel when we get there, we may even knock down a wall, so we each have some private space and there is some shared space where the four of us can be together.

We have only been really separated for three months, though, so we're in a pretty different place in that regard. Stbx told me about six months ago that he "didn't know if he wanted to be w me" any more. I was pretty devastated for a while, but just recently I've really come around to feeling optimistic about this new life. Stbx is still not sure and feels fairly tortured by, but it seems to me the ship has sailed. 

As for the new partner thing. I feel completely fine talking to him about that stuff and he wishes (and me too, really, although I'm feeling a little more detached than he is) he could tell me, but he's too guilty and tortured about all that he's done. I think it would be really miserable to feel like I had to sneak around, though. I'm wondering how he might use it against you and whether you think he will be horribly hurt by it or something. I imagine that a person must always have some feelings about their ex becoming serious w someone else, but if you guys are going to be living together I think it would be really rough if he's still so raw that it throws him into a funk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad

grays said:


> When money gets a little easier, we'd like to buy a duplex and depending on how we feel when we get there, we may even knock down a wall, so we each have some private space and there is some shared space where the four of us can be together.


And you think your future bf would be okay with everyone living together in this duplex with missing walls like the brady bunch? I'm kind of speechless this is your plan but to each their own I guess. Sounds REALLY unhealthy for you and the kids tbh.


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## EnjoliWoman

I think the shared housing will be confusing for the kids. 

And it is too soon. There isn't a limit on rebounds. Just because you had one doesn't mean there can't be two. Or three.

You don't know how to be alone, do you? Break it off, separate, LIVE ALONE, do not share a duplex with your ex. Be self sufficient. Then, and only then - after the divorce, after living apart without any man in your life, then you can consider a relationship. 

You really don't know much about this guy. How can you spend enough time with him to know him in four weeks when you don't intermingle time with kids and time with him? My guess is when you aren't with one you are with the other. No time for you, your interests, your personal growth. You are all consumed with this new guy. You are not soul mates, you are dependent on others for your happiness is all. Which is really unhealthy.

Stop it.


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## Faeleaf

OP, when I read about your new relationship, the words were jumping off the page to me. Souls connecting...inseparable...crazy about each other...feelings...feelings...FEELINGS.

Feelings can be incredibly strong and bowl us completely over like ninepins. *They also have NO IQ*. Nope, none. They NEED to be used in conjunction with a smart and savvy intelligence, or they will lead you into some hot and sticky messes.

It really sounds like your feelings are calling all the shots here, and overcoming the protests of your better judgment. That is not good. Deep down, if you could turn down the noise on your FEELINGS to hear it, you would know that this is moving too fast. That you need to put the brakes on things and SLOW DOWN, for the sake of yourself, your kids, and your potential future relationship with this guy.

Two houses are built next door to each other. One was thrown up over a weekend, structure, plumbing, drywall, paint. The other more gradually, carefully, bringing in experts to do specific tasks, selecting only the best materials, and so taking months to complete. Which house would you feel safe for your family to live in?


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## Arendt

Why is this even in the life AFTER divorce section? Seems like you are pretending things are what they are not.


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## Seahorse001

Thank you for all your replies and insights. I suppose it's hard to paint the real picture in a message on a forum.

We are unable to divorce before 2016 for legal reasons, which I won't get in to - plus it's nobody's business why we can't divorce for another 2 years. 

We have just moved into this house we are renting, (in June) and are now tied by rental contract at least until May next year... so no one is moving out anywhere at any time soon. 

Whilst it would be ideal to just divorce and get my own place (oh I would love that and you all make it sound so easy to just do!!) at this point in time, we can't. We are accommodation-bound until May 2015 and we have to stay 'married' until June 2016. 

We can try to legalize our separation some time next year (as we need to prove that we are separated for 12 months before we can apply for a divorce) but even then I would rather wait for our lawyer's advice on that first.

So without having had to give you all the details of our situation, my question was not answered because everyone was too busy focusing on the living arrangements and the status of our relationship.

Someone also made a mention about counselling... I'm sorry I didn't provide that bit of information either. We've been to 3 marriage councellors. We worked at making it work. As I mentioned this isn't the first time we separate. In fact, the first time we did was 5 years ago - after 2.5 years together... but we had a baby then and stayed in it to try and make it work. We tried to make it work in 2008, then again in 2012 and again in 2013. This isn't a marriage where 2 people gave up at the first sign of trouble. I've also been seeing a therapist for my own personal reasons. He doesn't believe in "psychobabble" as he calls it.

I have been "alone" in this marriage for over 5 years, feeling like I've had no partner in my life. So, when one of you said I needed the alone time... I nearly laughed! I hardly saw/see my husband. He travels a lot for work - which I think I mentioned. He is married to his job. Not to me or our children. I have been living the life of a single parent for the past 5 years, so when you say I need time to be alone... HA! I feel the opposite. I feel I am ready to be in an ACTUAL relationship for a change! One where there's conversation, an exchange of ideas, dialogue, shared experiences, shared feelings, shared likes, shared everything... I haven't had that in 5 years.

As for my kids meeting my new partner before telling my husband... well, that might have been a bad decision, but they didn't meet him in the capacity of my "partner"... just as a friend who also has kids... like they meet many MANY other friends of mine (male and female) with kids. They did not see us touching or kissing or displaying any affection of any kind. He was there purely as a friend, like any other.

I agree that I am letting my feelings run away with me... and so is he. You are right, we don't know enough about each other to say for sure we are "here to stay"... And yes, 4 weeks (now 5) is way WAY too early. We are both fully aware of that... but I do think there's a difference when you see someone for dinner dates once maybe twice a week and you get to know them at a slower pace, and when you see someone on a daily basis (which has been the case with us... it's just worked out that way naturally, and effortlessly with our schedules). We feel we know more about each other in the 4 weeks (so we've seen each other at least 30 times....) we've been together than we ever knew about people we've dated for 3 months in the past...

Anyway, someone actually answered my question and said that I should tell my husband and be up front about it... and I think you're right and that is the route I am going to take. I just thought if there was someone in a similar position they might have been able to give me better insight based on their experiences. 

Thanks again for your replies.


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## COguy

Sounds like you made up your mind before you got here and are looking to justify your behavior rather than seek advice. Your thread title says, "Help!" and you reference your life sounding like a soap opera.

Well, not surprisingly, the tribe has spoken and almost unanimously think that what you are doing is a bad idea.

What kind of "advice" were you expecting on a forum dedicated to helping people's marriages? That you should indeed date another man you are not married to, while living with your husband, and introduce him to your children a few weeks after meeting him? All while declaring he is your soul mate?

If you want that advice, go to the yahoo forums and get it from some 13 year olds. For those of us that have been there, done that, and seen it a 1000 times on the forum before, what you are proposing does not seem likely to end well. Good luck with that.


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## Jellybeans

Seahorse001 said:


> Whilst it would be ideal to just divorce and get my own place (oh I would love that and you all make it sound so easy to just do!!) at this point in time, we can't. We are accommodation-bound until May 2015 and we have to stay 'married' until June 2016.


I don't know a man alive who would be cool with dating a woman who still lives with her husband (or soon to be ex husband). Most healthy people do not want to involve themselves with that kind of situation. Men can be very territorial. Just saying.



Seahorse001 said:


> I agree that I am letting my feelings run away with me... and so is he. You are right, we don't know enough about each other to say for sure we are "here to stay"... And yes, 4 weeks (now 5) is way WAY too early. We are both fully aware of that... but I do think there's a difference when you see someone for dinner dates once maybe twice a week and you get to know them at a slower pace, and when you see someone on a daily basis (which has been the case with us... it's just worked out that way naturally, and effortlessly with our schedules). We feel we know more about each other in the 4 weeks (so we've seen each other at least 30 times....)


You guys are going really fast. Daily? That is a lot in such a short time span. Especially with life and kids, etc. 



Seahorse001 said:


> Anyway, someone actually answered my question and said that I should tell my husband and be up front about it... and I think you're right and that is the route I am going to take. I just thought if there was someone in a similar position they might have been able to give me better insight based on their experiences.


Well the thing is: your husband asked if you were dating/liked J and you said no. You said you are uncomfortable telling him but I think it may be more uncomfortable when he finds out that you blatantly lied to him. Think about it: he's going to find out anyway, he already has picked up on it if he's asking if you like him. AND you are saying you are locked in to living together for another year...



Seahorse001 said:


> So without having had to give you all the details of our situation, my question was not answered because everyone was too busy focusing on the living arrangements and the status of our relationship.


Your question was answered. It just wasn't what you wanted to hear. Also, the living arrangements and status of your relationship are actually major parts of your story and a determining factor in our responses. The fact is, they are what make the situation so weird. If you were separated/living apart/divorced, your situation would be a lot different. 



COguy said:


> Sounds like you made up your mind before you got here and are looking to justify your behavior rather than seek advice. Your thread title says, "Help!" and you reference your life sounding like a soap opera.
> 
> Well, not surprisingly, *the tribe has spoken *and almost unanimously think that what you are doing is a bad idea.
> 
> What kind of "advice" were you expecting on a forum dedicated to helping people's marriages? That you should indeed date another man you are not married to, while living with your husband, and introduce him to your children a few weeks after meeting him? All while declaring he is your soul mate?
> 
> If you want that advice, go to the yahoo forums and get it from some 13 year olds. For those of us that have been there, done that, and seen it a 1000 times on the forum before, what you are proposing does not seem likely to end well. Good luck with that.


My friend, Coguy, nailed this.

And :rofl: at "the tribe has spoken."


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## poppyseed

The TAM tribe...:rofl::rofl:


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## brokenbythis

Seahorse001 said:


> My 'husband' and I separated over 8 months ago.... this would be our second time at separating and this time we are not getting back together. Our marriage has been over on an emotional and physical level for over 2 years anyway. We finally made the decision and verbalized the separation 8 months ago.
> 
> We still live together, for the kids and financial reasons - our house is big enough and over 2 floors so he has the downstairs area and I have the upstairs with the children. We hardly see each other even though we still live together. He also travels a lot for work. About 6 months ago, he told me it wouldn't bother him if I started dating again. He said he would be completely fine with it.
> 
> I did date someone, but it was more from a sense of "rebound" than anything else, and that 'relationship' (if you could even call it that) only lasted 3 months. I never told my husband about it because I would only make such announcements if I thought the relationship was going somewhere. I also swore I would never introduce anyone I date to my kids, unless I knew they were here to stay.
> 
> About 4 weeks ago, I met someone... and this is different. It was like 2 souls connecting. We have been inseparable ever since. We got serious pretty quick I guess because we saw each other every single day so we got to know each other faster than if it had been a couple of times a week on dinner dates. We are really crazy about each other and maybe this is premature, but we both want this to last and go the distance... He told me he was here to stay  We're both single parents, both had 'blah' marriages before that didn't work out, both had the same exact experiences, and we share SO much, have SO much more in common than we've had with either of our past exes, etc... like I said, it was like a meeting of the souls. I already feel like he is my best friend in such a short time, and he feels the same for me. Neither one of us has ever had that feeling even with our past partners.
> 
> I guess my question is: should I tell my ex that I'm dating him? Just a week ago he asked me if I liked "J" (he knew about him because I mentioned I'd met a single dad) I told him I did but that I wasn't dating him. He re-iterated to me that he hopes I would feel comfortable enough to tell him these things because he wants us to be friends. But I still feel uncomfortable telling him because of our past baggage - one of the reasons our marriage ended is because he has this habit of getting information out of me, citing it's OK to talk openly to him, only to use that info against me later! So, forgive me if I don't fully trust that he'd be OK with this, even though he's telling me he is!
> 
> But "J" and I are getting serious pretty quick, and it would be such a relief to be able to tell my ex that I'm going out to see him, rather than lie ("Oh I'm going to the gym" or "I'm going to see my friend Emily")... it's exhausting frankly and I feel like a teenager again lying to my parents to go see the boy I like!! It wouldn't be this way if we didn't live together, but the fact is, we do.
> 
> Has anyone had any experience with this? Dating after separation but still technically married and living under one roof?! Sounds like a soap opera!!!
> 
> I am really crazy about "J" and we both really want this to work. He's already introduced me to his kids and we all just 'fit' so well together. He's already met my kids too and they really like him (and his boys!) All that's standing in the way at the moment is my doubt that I can be open and honest about it to my ex... should I wait a little while longer? I get that 4 weeks is a bit TOO soon to tell, but you know... when you know, you know


Oh dear.. you are living in fantasy land. I suggest you get a grip real fast.

My (now ex) husband went down your path. He started seeing someone when we were still married but (supposedly) separated to give us some breathing room. He "swept her off her feet" at the same time he was still "working things out" with me.

I did not know he had started seeing someone, he kept it from me until he told me she was pregnant -because he couldn't hide it anymore, she was announcing it on good old facebook.

Within weeks of meeting her, he had introduced our son to her and told him she was "just a friend". Now that "friend" has a baby who is my son's half-sibling. Now my ex has to explain to our son one day that he got another woman pregnant while he was still married to me, and my son will understand the time frame and realize that mommy didn't know dad was doing this and he's a cheater and a liar.

What you are doing is a horrible example to your children about how relationships should be.

My ex now has 3 children to 3 different mothers, me being the only one he was married to. He will spend a total of 40 years of his life paying child support, he has a failed marriage behind him and the disgust of all of our friends and relatives. He's lost EVERYTHING because he was so messed up in the head and decided to go chasing pu##y instead of working on himself and coming to terms with HIS part in ruining our marriage.

My point is whether or not your marriage is dead, regardless of how long it's been this way, you need to put a good amount of time between ending your marriage and getting involved with someone else. You need to deal with ending your marriage completely before you jump into another relationship.

You will pay the consequences if you don't.


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## FrustratedFL

Brokenbythis - I agree with EVERYTHING you said and I am sorry you had to endure the pain and your son will need to face the reality later in life. Very sad that people do not forecast the pain to the children when they can read a calendar and can figure out the timeframe of their parents split and the startup of other relationships/births. Completely end and divorce with ex before starting a new.... you owe it to the ones you pledged and the children who count on you.


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## Dollystanford

Madness. You have to stay married for another two years and yet you have met your 'soulmate'? But still feel the need to lie to your ex about him? And you think this isn't going to come up as an issue with Mr Fantastic somewhere down the line?

Good luck with that but you're supposed to be two adults with families and responsibilities, not 13 year olds with no grip on real life. Your marriage hasn't ended yet - that's the bottom line


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## SamuraiJack

Maybe it's an Aussie thing...


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## Dedicated2Her

> About 4 weeks ago, I met someone... and this is different. It was like 2 souls connecting. We have been inseparable ever since. We got serious pretty quick I guess because we saw each other every single day so we got to know each other faster than if it had been a couple of times a week on dinner dates. We are really crazy about each other and maybe this is premature, but we both want this to last and go the distance... He told me he was here to stay  We're both single parents, both had 'blah' marriages before that didn't work out, both had the same exact experiences, and we share SO much, have SO much more in common than we've had with either of our past exes, etc... like I said, it was like a meeting of the souls. I already feel like he is my best friend in such a short time, and he feels the same for me. Neither one of us has ever had that feeling even with our past partners.


Good heavens. This is what happens when two "red flags" get together. Saw it with my ex. It was a meeting of the souls. They are now divorced (separated after 2 months married) and she is pregnant. Crazy town.


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## Jellybeans

Dedicated2Her said:


> Good heavens. This is what happens when two "red flags" get together. Saw it with my ex. It was a meeting of the souls. T.


Soulmates... you don't say.


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## Dedicated2Her

Jellybeans said:


> Soulmates... you don't say.


Yeah. I came down fairly hard on her when she had the kids involved in her dating him and they had just started dating a month before that. I told her what was going to happen if she continued down this path. Unfortunately, everything I said that day turned out to be true. (and she sounded exactly like Seahorse) Funny thing is, I remember the beginning of our relationship like it was yesterday. Same thing. Just repeat. She hadn't learned a thing.

And, Seahorse, get some help. For your sake and the kids. Any man that would expose his children to you at this point in dating has major problems! More than likely, control is one of them. 

Of course, any woman that would expose her kids to a man she has been dating for 4 weeks while still living with her husband-----major problems.


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## Jellybeans

Dedicated2Her said:


> Of course, any woman that would expose her kids to a man she has been dating for 4 weeks while still living with her husband-----major problems.


Not to mention, what man would WANT to date a woman still living with her husband?

I am being serious here.

Cause I would never entertain the idea of dating a man who still lives with his wife (you know he one he is still married to). Because well that is :crazy: and has DRAMA written all over it.


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## clipclop2

Depends if he is getting laid. Some men date women living and sleeping with their husbands! And if you are soul mates well, nothing else matters!


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## Jellybeans

I stand corrected.

But I still wouldn't, personally. That sex ain't really "free." It comes with a lot of strings and baggage.

Hope the husband doesn't have a violent temper and all that...


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## spunkycat08

The entire situation is crazy.

And OP...

Why did you *not *include *everything *in your original post?


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## aug

Seahorse001 said:


> My 'husband' and I separated over 8 months ago.... this would be our second time at separating and this time we are not getting back together. Our marriage has been over on an emotional and physical level for over 2 years anyway. We finally made the decision and verbalized the separation 8 months ago.
> 
> [cut]
> 
> 
> About 4 weeks ago, I met someone... and this is different. ...
> 
> I guess my question is: *should I tell my ex *that I'm dating him? Just a week ago he asked me if I liked "J" (he knew about him because I mentioned I'd met a single dad) I told him I did but that I wasn't dating him. He re-iterated to me that he hopes I would feel comfortable enough to tell him these things because he wants us to be friends. But I still feel uncomfortable telling him because of our past baggage - one of the reasons our marriage ended is because he has this habit of getting information out of me, citing it's OK to talk openly to him, only to use that info against me later! So, forgive me if I don't fully trust that he'd be OK with this, even though he's telling me he is!
> 
> [cut]
> 
> Has anyone had any experience with this? *Dating after separation *but still technically married and living under one roof?! Sounds like a soap opera!!!





Seahorse001 said:


> Thank you for all your replies and insights. I suppose it's hard to paint the real picture in a message on a forum.
> 
> *We are unable to divorce before 2016 for legal reasons, which I won't get in to - plus it's nobody's business why we can't divorce for another 2 years. *
> 
> We have just moved into this house we are renting, (in June) and are now tied by rental contract at least until May next year... so no one is moving out anywhere at any time soon.
> 
> Whilst it would be ideal to just divorce and get my own place (oh I would love that and you all make it sound so easy to just do!!) at this point in time, we can't. We are accommodation-bound until May 2015 and *we have to stay 'married' until June 2016. *
> 
> *We can try to legalize our separation some time next year (as we need to prove that we are separated for 12 months before we can apply for a divorce) *but even then I would rather wait for our lawyer's advice on that first.
> 
> So without having had to give you all the details of our situation, my question was not answered because everyone was too busy focusing on the living arrangements and the status of our relationship.



You and your husband are not even legally separated. So, he's not your "ex", not even close.


Cant get divorce till 2016? I read what you wrote above and my mind wanders to thinking it may be an immigration issue. 

Whatever it is, and with your mindset as a single woman, something is not right in your universe. I hope you dont lose your sanity in the next few years.


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## clipclop2

Makes me wonder if they ever "really" got married in heart, mind and spirit of if it was all material.


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