# Sexless Marriage



## LonlyNoMore (May 7, 2021)

I have been with my husband for almost 15 year. This is my second marriage, I am his third. I was single for 15 year before I met my husband, his mother/my friend, set us up. He is a nice man, no substance abuse, doesn't cheat, has never been abusive, works hard, he is funny and kind. But our marriage has always had this one huge problem, we don't have sex. He never seeks it out, never really has. We go months, I complain and cry and ask why and what is wrong with me. Then we have the same sex, exactly the same about 15 minutes worth, one position no real fore play. Then it doesn't happen again for months. I once wanted to see how long this would go and it went an entire year. I usually break down ever 5 to six months. 
He doesn't watch porn, doesn't look at other women, he barely even services himself. He never tells me I am beautiful and he never tries to cuddle or pet me in any way. He doesn't buy me gifts on special occasions or even just because. He doesn't seem to consider my needs at all. I am now asking for a divorce. I hate how this sexless marriage has made me feel all these years. I have a pretty high sex drive and I am an middle aged woman. I am older now and feel like if I stay I will have a sexless life forever. I have started to think about the sex I used to have in past relationships. I miss being desired.. He wants to go to counseling, but I do not see how this will fix us. We have been broken from the beginning. A bit if history, in the beginning I had a teenage son and was caring for a grandmother with dementia that he used to use as a reason for us not having allot of sex. He has no excuses now. He just says he doesn't know what is wrong with him. I have asked him if he may be interested in sex with same gender, another woman, if he felt like he wanted to be a woman or if he was asexual. He says no to all of that and tells me he loves me. But nothing ever changes. It makes me feel so ugly, old and sad. I feel like there is something wrong with me.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

If you want to fix the relationship, you need to go to a sex therapist or an MC who is qualified to provide sex therapy. If you want to fix it, you both should read "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. You and he are NOT speaking the same language.

If you don't want to fix it, you have your answer. Move on to divorce. Just make sure you know what you want before you proceed.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Is he stressed?


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## LonlyNoMore (May 7, 2021)

CN2622 said:


> Is he stressed?


No, he is not under any stress. He is a very relaxed and laid back guy. He has a great job that he loves, it's federal. He has me pay all bills, take car of car repairs, oil changes, shopping, cooking cleaning. If anyone has stress it's me. He works 40 easy hours and the come home to watch TV and play on his tablet.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

LonlyNoMore said:


> No, he is not under any stress. He is a very relaxed and laid back guy. He has a great job that he loves, it's federal. He has me pay all bills, take car of car repairs, oil changes, shopping, cooking cleaning. If anyone has stress it's me. He works 40 easy hours and the come home to watch TV and play on his tablet.


Would he go to a sex therapy?


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## LonlyNoMore (May 7, 2021)

Sfort said:


> If you want to fix the relationship, you need to go to a sex therapist or an MC who is qualified to provide sex therapy. If you want to fix it, you both should read "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. You and he are NOT speaking the same language.
> 
> If you don't want to fix it, you have your answer. Move on to divorce. Just make sure you know what you want before you proceed.


Thank you I am looking that book up on Amazon right now! I will take all the help I can get. I am desperate.


CN2622 said:


> Would he go to a sex therapy?


He says he want to now that I have threatened divorce. I made this his chore. I told him I have put in allot of time and effort, it was his turn now. This may make me sound horrible, but I said he had 90 days to find one and schedule us an appointment. He has promised this before. I said if he does not act, I will start divorce process


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You two need to stop threatening each other. You're either going to work it out or you're not. Don't make each other crazy in the process.


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Are you sure you are good at satisfying him ? Did you receive compliments from him ever in the past ?


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Helping Hand said:


> Are you sure you are good at satisfying him ? Did you receive compliments from him ever in the past ?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I think the problem is that her husband shows zero interest outside of the bedroom. Almost like roommates at this point.


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## LonlyNoMore (May 7, 2021)

We do live just like roommates. And I brought up divorce because I want out. I want to not feel this way any more. I want to stop having him ignore me, and disregard how I am feeling. I filled out the paperwork on legal zoom. I just have to print and pay. He just had asked me to stop and give him one last chance. I feel done and ready to find a different life. I still care for him, but I am tried of not having sex, gifts, consideration. So my threat was not to hold something over him and make him change. I am ready to make a change without him. He wants me to wait, and I am now confused. I want a lover and he likes his roommate.


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

LonlyNoMore said:


> We do live just like roommates. And I brought up divorce because I want out. I want to not feel this way any more. I want to stop having him ignore me, and disregard how I am feeling. I filled out the paperwork on legal zoom. I just have to print and pay. He just had asked me to stop and give him one last chance. I feel done and ready to find a different life. I still care for him, but I am tried of not having sex, gifts, consideration. So my threat was not to hold something over him and make him change. I am ready to make a change without him. He wants me to wait, and I am now confused. I want a lover and he likes his roommate.


Was this the same with his ex wife ?


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Helping Hand said:


> Was this the same with his ex wife/s ?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



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## LonlyNoMore (May 7, 2021)

Helping Hand said:


> Was this the same with his ex wife ?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


She has told me that it was the same. But this was after we were married for several years.


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

LonlyNoMore said:


> She has told me that it was the same. But this was after we were married for several years.


Don’t invest more time on him now and proceed with divorce because this won’t ever change even though he said he needs some time to sort it out.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

LonlyNoMore said:


> She has told me that it was the same. But this was after we were married for several years.


Did she have any advice?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Helping Hand said:


> Don’t invest more time on him now and proceed with divorce because this won’t ever change even though he said he needs some time to sort it out.


I don't necessarily agree. The likelihood of success is low at least because of your ages, but the truth is that your problems can be fixed. It doesn't sound like you're dealing with a medical issue, so it IS possible for him to learn how to treat you and for you to learn how to effectively communicate to him what you want. It doesn't sound like either of you is willing to commit to the extensive work that is necessary for you to be happy.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I’m assuming he’s around 50ish or a little older. How much do you really think a 50 year old man with a Cush job and lives to play video games will actually change? 

Even if you go to counseling, the best that could come out of that is if he able and willing to communicate that something about you is turning him off that is blocking his desire for you such as weight gain, bad breath, relationship issues etc. 

But even so, at the rate of 15 minutes per 6 months, do you really think that some weight loss and flossing is going to turn him into a red hot lover? 

If he tripled his sexual prowess, that would put you at 15 every 2 months. Is that what you lay awake nights dreaming of? 

I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer here but you have to look at the spread between what’s happening now and where you’d like to be. 

If you’re getting 15 minutes of lackluster duty sex every 6 months after crying and begging, that is a huge ways away from an active and engaging sex life with genuine desire.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

IMO, it will never get any better....When this ship sails it doesn't come back, and not only has this one sailed, it's also sunk to the ocean floor...

You have only a few options...

-Leave and start anew, but bear in mind there is no guarantee that you will find fulfilling sex...you may easily find sex, but it may not be exactly what you want....nor be attached to the person you want...
-stay and get what you need/want on the side..just keep it on the down low...(pitfalls obvious here)
-just stay and live with it and fulfill yourself in whatever way gets you by...

I know these are pretty obvious, but I think if you are looking for this to somehow change, I think that will never happen..Some people(men or women) just don't view sex as an important life function...It's very important for everyone to have great sexual chemistry from the outset, (or find a partner with equal low or high standards/needs)....there will always be ebbs and flows as life goes on, but if it starts off meh, it's a very bad indicator for the future...

Just out of curiosity, why were you single for 15 years? That's a fairly long time for many adults..(providing that they were open to a relationship)..


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

LonlyNoMore said:


> No, he is not under any stress. He is a very relaxed and laid back guy. He has a great job that he loves, it's federal. He has me pay all bills, take car of car repairs, oil changes, shopping, cooking cleaning. If anyone has stress it's me. He works 40 easy hours and the come home to watch TV and play on his tablet.


He sounds like a real catch. divorce him.


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## LonlyNoMore (May 7, 2021)

Helping Hand said:


> Don’t invest more time on him now and proceed with divorce because this won’t ever change even though he said he needs some time to sort it out.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Thank you for you candor.


hamadryad said:


> IMO, it will never get any better....When this ship sails it doesn't come back, and not only has this one sailed, it's also sunk to the ocean floor...
> 
> You have only a few options...
> 
> ...


I was single for 15 years after my fist marriage because I was focusing my my education and raising my son. I dated, but I worked full time, held a part time load at the university for my degree and was trying to raise a child and make sure that his needs were met. My degree and earning a good living was more important than a relationship at that time. Men did not seem to like that I was unavailable on weekends because I had to study. So dating never lasted longer than 4 years, as they wanted more time from me, or a marriage I was not yet ready for. I was raised in a home with domestic violence, due to my mother not wanted to support herself. She relied on men, many men to pay her bills. After my divorce, I wanted to give my child a better life than I had had. So I went to counseling, enrolled in college and made my education and his upbringing more important than a relationship. I knew in time I would be able have a relationship, and honestly I don't regret that decision. My son is 29, college graduate, with a great job, his own home, with healthy dating habits and a close/healthy relationship with me. Plus, I was picky, I wanted a man who could hold down a job, no addiction issues, and who would not be abusive verbally or physically to me or my son. Funny how hard it is to find that out there.
Thank you, you post was extremely insightful. I have thought about each of the issues you brought up myself in the past. My husband and I are still able to communicate, we are still friends and he is a good listener. I know he sounds bad on paper here, but he is really a good and gentle human being. His lack of ability to desire sex make me feel lonely and unloved. He did make an appointment to see a therapist for the 17th of this month. He wants to fix it, he admitted that it may never be exactly what I need, but he does want to try to make me happy in our marriage. He said he doesn't want to loose his family and he knows it will be hard and he is far from perfect and I maybe correct, he maybe asexual. He is having his testosterone checked on Monday, he made a doctor's appointment. He said he was starting with the medical side first. I don't expect that I will ever have wild porn star sex with him, but once a month would be nice.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Another unhappy marriage based on sex. Sorry I don't have any advice as mine is the same way.

I am just always amazed at how something as simple as sex can screw up a marriage so badly. Its probably the easiest thing to do (as opposed to going to work or chores or whatever) yet so many marriages seems to be plagued by it.

Sorry I don't have any advice but good luck!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

LonlyNoMore said:


> I feel like there is something wrong with me.


There is likely nothing wrong with you or your husband. You simply have mismatched levels of desire and priorities regarding the sexual health of a relationship. He will likely never change that much and likely continue to get worse given that he is not a teenager anymore. 

I have no advice other than to tell you not to beat yourself up, simply work on picking yourself up and do what is best for you.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I am just always amazed at how something as simple as sex can screw up a marriage so badly. It's probably the easiest thing to do (as opposed to going to work or chores or whatever) yet so many marriages seems to be plagued by it.


Exactly right.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Do you like race cars ?

If you don’t then I don’t understand why and it makes me miserable that you don’t love and think about race cars.

Im going to take you to a person that will make you like race cars.

You are are wrong and broken because people are supposed to like race cars.

Do you like race cars yet ?

—————————————-

There is nothing wrong with you and nothing wrong with your husband. As a couple you are simply not sexually compatible. The other person simply likes sex as much as you like race cars.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I am just always amazed at how something as simple as sex can screw up a marriage so badly. Its probably the easiest thing to do (as opposed to going to work or chores or whatever) yet so many marriages seems to be plagued by it.


But it's really not that simple.....that's precisely why so many marriages are plagued by it....

Real, mutually enjoyable, desired and lasting sexual chemistry between two individuals is a very elusive and very complex thing...And who knows? Perhaps this is all by design to ensure genetic diversity and propagation of the species...I have often thought of and pondered this very aspect... 

But to think about the actual event, which surely is a lot easier than digging a ditch, without considering the complex emotions involved is just a too simplistic approach to this problem..


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

hamadryad said:


> But it's really not that simple.....that's precisely why so many marriages are plagued by it....
> 
> Real, mutually enjoyable, desired and lasting sexual chemistry between two individuals is a very elusive and very complex thing...And who knows? Perhaps this is all by design to ensure genetic diversity and propagation of the species...I have often thought of and pondered this very aspect...
> 
> But to think about the actual event, which surely is a lot easier than digging a ditch, without considering the complex emotions involved is just a too simplistic approach to this problem..


But maybe thats why it gets complex if you add all the complex emotions to it?

The few couples I know that do have great sex lives (many are 40+ years marriages and a few are swingers) say they really don't think about the emotions involved and such, they just have sex. One guy I have talked to about my issue, said you shouldn't be talking about sex with your wife, just having it. He said if you have to think about the "hows and whys" or have to talk to her (or him) about it, than you are doing something wrong.

Who knows what is right but they have been married 40+ years.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> He said if you have to think about the "hows and whys" or have to talk to her (or him) about it, than you are doing something wrong.


I met my wife at 13 (married at 22) and your friend is exactly right.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> But maybe thats why it gets complex if you add all the complex emotions to it?
> 
> The few couples I know that do have great sex lives (many are 40+ years marriages and a few are swingers) say they really don't think about the emotions involved and such, they just have sex. One guy I have talked to about my issue, said you shouldn't be talking about sex with your wife, just having it. He said if you have to think about the "hows and whys" or have to talk to her (or him) about it, than you are doing something wrong.
> 
> Who knows what is right but they have been married 40+ years.



Oh...don't get me wrong....I completely agree that once it becomes a topic of conversation(not in the sense of sexual/playful banter) then it's already too late....I completely agree with the assessment, that you are doing it wrong if it's something that has to be questioned, coerced, threatened, etc...then it's time to move on or figure out what the next move is...

That being said, those couples you mentioned so easily and effortlessly doing it, likely have a long evolved personality and sexual compatibility that really isn't all that common...They are the lucky ones for sure....Its not something that ever has to be discussed, because just like a good employee is to an employer, they "get it"...Each person knows the other so well, that there never is a conflict and no one is surprised at what the other needs or how to provide it...


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

hamadryad said:


> Oh...don't get me wrong....I completely agree that once it becomes a topic of conversation(not in the sense of sexual/playful banter) then it's already too late....I completely agree with the assessment, that you are doing it wrong if it's something that has to be questioned, coerced, threatened, etc...then it's time to move on or figure out what the next move is...
> 
> That being said, those couples you mentioned so easily and effortlessly doing it, likely have a long evolved personality and sexual compatibility that really isn't all that common...They are the lucky ones for sure....Its not something that ever has to be discussed, because just like a good employee is to an employer, they "get it"...Each person knows the other so well, that there never is a conflict and no one is surprised at what the other needs or how to provide it...


Agreed!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LonlyNoMore said:


> I have been with my husband for almost 15 year. *This is my second marriage, I am his third.* I was single for 15 year before I met my husband, his mother/my friend, set us up. He is a nice man, no substance abuse, doesn't cheat, has never been abusive, works hard, he is funny and kind. But our marriage has always had this one huge problem, we don't have sex. He never seeks it out, never really has. We go months, I complain and cry and ask why and what is wrong with me. Then we have the same sex, exactly the same about 15 minutes worth, one position no real fore play. Then it doesn't happen again for months. I once wanted to see how long this would go and it went an entire year. I usually break down ever 5 to six months.


Do you think your "picker" may be broken? Maybe your husband's "picker" is also broken.I know people of both genders who seem to marry the "wrong" people over and over. Not sure what causes this, a few we have known seemed to be looking for their father/mother in a mate.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> Do you like race cars ?
> 
> If you don’t then I don’t understand why and it makes me miserable that you don’t love and think about race cars.
> 
> ...


One can talk to their state legislators about changing racing so that the things you don't like about it can be changed. For example there can be new laws passed that require racing events to be carbon neutral, all electric, and meet new standards for low noise pollution as well. 

These meetings to make people like racing should NOT be dismissed!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

badsanta said:


> One can talk to their state legislators about changing racing so that the things you don't like about it can be changed. For example there can be new laws passed that require racing events to be carbon neutral, all electric, and meet new standards for low noise pollution as well.
> 
> These meetings to make people like racing should NOT be dismissed!


There dang well better be some gender neutral paint jobs on those race cars !!!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> There dang well better be some gender neutral paint jobs on those race cars !!!


Well my comment was for the OP in that there may be many things about sex the spouse doesn't like. Could the OP become aware of what those are and would there be a viable way to create progress. 

If I use the racing analogy, my local racetrack had really annoying marketing and advertising that insisted the more racing the more better (echo echo echo...). Things changed when there was a marketing overhaul that focused exclusively on the new upscale sushi bar that only racing fans could access.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

You said you were single for 15yrs because you were picky, yet you picked someone who wasn't interested in sex from the beginning. Sounds he's the exact same guy as he was on the wedding day. My point is there is nothing to fix here, you accepted him this way. It'd be like marrying a fat person then complaining that they're fat.


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## LonlyNoMore (May 7, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> But it's really not that simple.....that's precisely why so many marriages are plagued by it....
> 
> Real, mutually enjoyable, desired and lasting sexual chemistry between two individuals is a very elusive and very complex thing...And who knows? Perhaps this is all by design to ensure genetic diversity and propagation of the species...I have often thought of and pondered this very aspect...
> 
> But to think about the actual event, which surely is a lot easier than digging a ditch, without considering the complex emotions involved is just a too simplistic approach to this problem..


I am using this response to update the situation. My son who is 29 asked me to inquire about molestation. So I did, very gently. My husband was quite for quit some time and then told me that 48 years ago he was and he had never spoken if that to anyone. I am the first person he has ever shared this with. He has carried this massive burden for 48 years. We both cried, and then contacted a crisis team. We are looking into an EMDR therapy and personal counseling for him.
I am not sure how this will play out, but things have completely changed in our situation after he told me. It was like a bomb was dropped in my life and I have to support this man through this journey.


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## LonlyNoMore (May 7, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> You said you were single for 15yrs because you were picky, yet you picked someone who wasn't interested in sex from the beginning. Sounds he's the exact same guy as he was on the wedding day. My point is there is nothing to fix here, you accepted him this way. It'd be like marrying a fat person then complaining that they're fat.


I did not say I was picky, if you re-read my post, it was because I was focused on my education and my son. I don't think wanting a man to be employed, not have any addictions, or not be abusive physically or verbally to me and my son constitutes as picky. I was happy alone and in no hurry to re-marry just anyone.
I find it insulting that as a woman, I am judged as picky or that maybe the root cause is that I am fat or have bad breath. Men are not accused of any of these when they are in a sexless marriage or wait to marry. Some how it's always the woman's fault that there is a lack if sex in her marriage because no one can fathom that a man is just not interested in sex with anyone. Just like when a woman is raped, it must be her fault, she must have worn something inappropriate. Ensuring that I or my son were not abused by someone, that I did not marry a man who drank or did drugs and found someone who was gainfully employed is not picky, is an emotiinally intelligent decision for someone to make. As for the sex in the beginning, I thought that was due to having a teenager in the house and my caring for my grandmother who had dementia. For the first 8 years of our marriage we had my son in the home and I was my grandmother's caregiver and finishing up my PhD. He is also a retired firefighter so he was away from the home 4 days out of 7 during the week. We were both under allot of stress and lack of sex was excused. He retired 7 years ago and took another position with an easier job, my grandmother passed and my son went away for college, I graduated. I thought we would have a better sex life considering all of our obstacles were removed. It did not happen.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I don’t see how counseling would do any good. He won’t even figure out why out of love for you. Sorry you are at this point but you have to do what is best for you.


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## Irish Man (May 10, 2021)

ABHale said:


> I don’t see how counseling would do any good. He won’t even figure out why out of love for you. Sorry you are at this point but you have to do what is best for you.


I used to be in a sexless marriage but we managed to get through it and now we have a great sex life and I couldn't be happier. I wanted sex and my wife didn't. The bottom line is that we loved each other and that is ultimately why we got through it. However, I tried to talk to my wife many many times about trying to improve our bedroom antics but failed many times. She always insisted that she was the problem and not me. I agreed with her and I did ask her to go to the doctor about it and or a therapist and she said she would try but never actually was able to. Some people really find that sort of thing difficult. She was very upset and it was really putting a strain on our marriage. So she wouldn't figure it out, out of love for me.

I tried a new approach and it eventually worked although, and as a result of good fortune, I do think I got the timing right. Rather than sitting back and waiting for her to change, after all it was her problem to fix, I decided that I will change. Everything I read about having a good sex life (for normal people, not the 20 times a week, any time any place any where , type of people) suggests that people need to be relaxed and not under pressure and need to feel loved. I made a HUGE conscious effort to be ultra nice to my wife. I spend everyday trying to think how I can make her a little bit happier. Whether that be breakfast in bed, cleaning up after dinner or simply making her a cup of coffee. I also made a huge effort to actively 'not look for' sex. I also told her I loved her and that she was beautiful every single day. She said to me she knows I am just after sex and apologised that she is inadequate. I didn't let this put me off and I continued with my routine but we added a special dinner date night with a bottle of vino once a week. This gave us time to talk and fall in love again. After about 2 months of this we were in bed one night and without me trying, we ended up having sex. We now have an amazing sex life and my wife that has serious body image insecurities wears sexy lingerie, a body stocking, she masturbates for me to watch, we masturbate together and we have lots of sex. 

Just because the OP's husband won't try to fix this doesn't mean he doesn't want. And clearly, as per the update, the poor man was abused as a child. Something that I discovered happened to my wife too. I only discovered this as a result of us allocating special time for us to simply talk and not be side tracked with daily life. If there is a baseline of love between two people I personally believe they can get through it. It takes time, it is difficult, it is frustrating but when u come out the other side it is worth every bit of effort put in


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

LonlyNoMore said:


> I am using this response to update the situation. My son who is 29 asked me to inquire about molestation. So I did, very gently. My husband was quite for quit some time and then *told me that 48 years ago he was* and he had never spoken if that to anyone. I am the first person he has ever shared this with. He has carried this massive burden for 48 years. We both cried, and then contacted a crisis team. We are looking into an EMDR therapy and personal counseling for him.
> I am not sure how this will play out, but things have completely changed in our situation after he told me. It was like a bomb was dropped in my life and I have to support this man through this journey.


well, that explains everything. Hopefully, therapy will make things better.


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