# Adult Children of Divorce?



## nowthinkpositive (Jun 18, 2011)

Advice please. I have one son, who is 19. He is home for the summer from college. The weekend he came home rom school this past April (not my idea) we sat him down and told him we were getting a divorce. We have been married 23 years together for 28. He doesn't say much or react except he cried quietly then went to his room when we first told him. H and I are separated but living in the family home with our son until divorce is final. Son does not know it was H who wanted the divorce or H who has an OW - only that "we" decided it was best that we not live together anymore and that we both love him etc. We both agree he needs to have a good relationship with both of us and having him think it was mutual so he doesn't place "blame" seemed the high road.

I will be moving out any my husband is keeping the family home. I feel terrible that I am losing my home, my home town (moving 30 mins away to a condo), and my only child all at once. I think my son will end up using our current home as his "home base" when home on holidays because it is the home he has known since he was 6. But I won't be there!!!

I don't want to force my son to stay at my new place but I don't want to lose him!!! Everyone says be happy he is not a little kid, that he is an "adult", but I think in some ways it is worse because he understands what this all really means. He had all of us together as a family for so long that I think he is shell shocked. When I ask if he wants to talk he says he is fine ...he mostly hangs out with friends (which he did before). As I said he is an only child so friends are a big part of his life.

I feel like he won't fit in anyplace after the divorce and that upsets me so much - not at his old "home" once the OW is there (which of course he has no idea about), at my new place which won't feel like home... I feel sick just thinking about that poor child - who I love more than anything - being alone in the middle.

I also feel like I should not find a new relationship someday because he will think of that new relationship as me finding a new family and where does he fit in? More than worrying about what I am going through I worry about him. Has anyone dealt with this issue (adult child of divorce)? Any parents of only children out there? I am so worried about how he will feel when this is "real". When he leaves for school and then comes back to a house with me gone.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It is a good time to move towards an adult relationship with your son. He may very well be uncomfortable with OW in his home and decide it is a good time to become more independent. Perhaps he will get roommates in an apartment at school and stay there year round. My new apartment will not have a permanent room for my adult son who is in college, but there is no need as this summer he's in boot camp and next summer on college break will be at his tech school, he has a girlfriend and lives not in a dorm per se at school but an environmental house that has a kitchen and living rooms, etc. Also he has a girlfriend and a best friend whose family has a couple houses. 

I think you will be surprised if you take the time to have some 'dates' with your son to find out what's going on with him and what sort of transitions he would like to be making anyway, and to see if there is a win-win opportunity in here for him, rather than wondering how at 19 he is going to fit in. 

I think with any family there is this constant re-adjusting. My kids asked me how long will we stay in our new place, and I indicated that my plan was to stay until my son is finished with 8th grade, and that if anything changed before then I would certainly discuss it with them beforehand. They are 7 and 11 and we can talk about things like this. They understand family is not based on where we live, or where we move to, but how we 'move together' while looking out for each other. 

Sometimes it is a relief for a child to find out that permanency is an illusion. Of course, rapid unpredictable changes are horrible. BNut adjusting to change is something everyone is capable of handling. If you act like you don't think he's capable or that it will be full of negatives rather than an opportunity for him to fine-tune and adjust his life or even make some big changes for himself, he will pick up on that. Whereas, if you casually discuss options or ask questions of how he thinks things would go best for him and what are some of the challenges he thinks he might face and what are some ideas for handling that...and where can your adult experience with life be useful to him as an emerging adult...then he will feel a vote of confidence and might even have some ideas for you. 

It is okay. It is part of parenting, not a failure to provide. You guys can get through this despite all the potential awkwardness. 
My son also lets me know where his limits are in terms of what he wants to know about what happened. But he has, in very limited time available to him, been a huge support. Mostly I share my writing with him (it's not about relationship angst) because he and his girlfriend are hugely into literature and 'get me'. It's also sweet because he has a very good and loving relationship with his girlfriend and they adore me and my other two kids...we all stay in touch and we are family although there is no residential basis for this. I guess we are nomads/gypsies which is the way a lot of people USED to live and it was normal, even before technology made it possible to keep connected so easily. (We don't have daily communication, maybe on average once every two weeks, and he is just turned 21.) It is nice to see that although my son grew up without his father he grew up with me and OMG a child I raised and nurtured is capable of having a trusting mature relationship with another human.  How sweet is that! When we talk about relationships what we do is focus on what is right, which affirms things that were wrong. We try to be positive thinkers and we have a lot of positive history between us. My child had a lot of Kerouac experiences with me while he was growing up. If you have never traveled with your son, try taking a bicycle trip or some kind of road trip with a loose agenda, like go to see a concert of a band you both like and be groupies for a couple days. Or pick a random festival or event and just go to it out of curiousity and then have fun and talk. 

How you set the agenda now is going to determine what happens next. Alone is not a geographical location, it is a state of mind.


----------



## nowthinkpositive (Jun 18, 2011)

Excellent advice. You have given me lots to think about. You are right that so much of what happens next will be based on focusing on the positive and looking forward, not back. You are also right that I might be selling my son short - I should have confidence in his ability to move forward, and also have confidence in the relationship we have built up until now. You mentioned travel experiences and we have definitely had those. We have been traveling with him since he was 4 months old - we have gone all over the world. Because of this I think he had a real appreciation for other cultures and he is someone who is not judgemental. That will hopefully help him in this situation and in life in general. Thanks again for "talking me down" and reminding me of the good foundation we have. This will hopefully help us face what comes next. THANK YOU.


----------



## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

Can the children have a counselling too if they parents is going through a divorce/separation....

I just thought about it as i am sure that kids goes through a lot same as the couple...


----------



## nowthinkpositive (Jun 18, 2011)

I went to a pyschologist at first when he said he wanted out. He went too (separate visits). After I saw her for a couple of sessions she said - "I need to see your husband only because he needs me more than you and I have to choose one of you so I choose him". Well at least that is proof that he is the one who is messed up  

Anyhow, she did tell me that counseling often does help for the kids. So, it is an option. When this first went down back in April I asked him if he wanted to talk to someone and he said no. Frankly I think his friends are his therapy. I keep my eyes open for behavior changes etc. but so far it seems okay. The big thing will be when he is away at school and then when he comes back for visits and has to bop back and forth between us. WEIRD. I am settging up a man can in the finished basement of my new place. Yes, I am not beneath using a big TV and cushy leather sofas to win his affection


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

My parents didn't divorce while I was at school, but they were divorced by the time I went away. And while I was at school, my dad sold "our" house and moved into a smaller place and my mother moved in with my stepdad. So by the time I was your son's age, everything at "home" pretty much had changed since I'd started college!

But in the end, it was fine. It's a pretty nomadic time of life, he's already shifting between dorms and apartment leases, especially if he still comes home for summers. And in all honesty, it's not like there are going to be too many extended stays with you guys anymore anyway. He's getting to the point where he'll have jobs, his own place, a girlfriend and it won't be a big deal to stay a few nights at one house and a few nights at the other when you're only "home" for a week or two. 

It's at this point in life that you learn that "home" is made up of the people that support you, not the place that they sleep regardless--it's part of that separation process. So while I'm sure that he has adjustments and grieving to do about his parents divorcing....as far as the living arrangements go, it's probably one of the easiest times for this to happen.

I'm not sure if that's really comforting to hear or not...but having bounced around to new and changing places all through college, I can tell you that it was an easy time to shift my ideas of what "home" meant. It did take some work to figure out the dynamics of a new family unit with my stepdad and all--but since I had never lived with my mother post-divorce in the first place, it presented its own little set of non-textbook boundaries and roadbumps that we all had to figure out.


----------



## Mary Murphy (Apr 14, 2012)

*Re: Are you an Adult Child of Late-life Parental Divorce?*

Hello,
Are you an adult child of late life parental divorce? Do you have a sibling of late-life parental divorce? My doctoral research is currently open to adult children and siblings who were age 23 years or older when their biological parents divorced. This study is researching the relationship between ego strength and the impact of divorce on adult children. 
The approved online survey is confidential and anonymous. Siblings who were age 23 years orlder are encouraged to participate. Data regarding the impact of late parental divorce on siblings will provide important information to the understanding of divorce on adult children within a family system.
Please find a link to the survey below. Your participation will provide important information about a group of children of divorce that is often overlooked. Total estimated time to complete both measures is 15-20 minutes. Thank you in advance for taking the time to participate and to let any of your friends know who might qualify. 

https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/T8ZVL9W


----------

