# From Joint Account to Sole Provider



## AlbinoLion (Mar 16, 2015)

So my wife and I just finished a conversation that started two weeks ago, at least so I think. Basically we've been married for 8 years, during which we were both active duty military. I retired 2 years ago, she retired 4 months ago. We finally agreed on a joint account, 80/20 split my income and she keeps about $500.00 of her income to save. 

Somehow we went from a joint account to me being a sole provider. My wife is upset because I never fathomed the idea of me being the sole provider. I explained the dynamics of our finances when we were both in the military and how we never discussed me being the sole provider after she retired. 

My point, in this day and age there aren't very many families where the husband is the sole provider, the couple both contributes to a joint account to cover all household expenses etc. So for peace sake I agreed to cover the majority of the house hold expenses, however any luxury expenses she would have to cover, ie eating out etc. 

Am I wrong here or does someone sound selfish?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

There are plenty of households went where the hb is the sole provider, but this is often an agreed upon arrangememt, and it really has to be to work. Sounds like you guys did not agree on this, so I don't get why she's upset. And I don't get why she thinks she should keep her money while yours pays bills.

How much discretionary income does each of you have? 

How do you guys split household upkeep?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AlbinoLion (Mar 16, 2015)

Lila said:


> You say that your wife no long provides financially for the family. Has she adopted the traditional responsibilities of stay-at-home wife such as child rearing and household maintenance?


She doesn't do very much regarding the household unless it's a need for my son that covers the both of us. In specific, she'll cook if she hasn't been anywhere and she knows my son needs to eat. Often times she'll buy fast food in which case I typically don't know that I need to grab a bite to eat until I come home and realize she hasn't cooked. 

So in short, she doesn't really do a whole lot other than get my son off to school and sit with him while he does his homework.


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## AlbinoLion (Mar 16, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Sounds like you guys did not agree on this, so I don't get why she's upset. And I don't get why she thinks she should keep her money while yours pays bills.
> 
> How much discretionary income does each of you have?
> 
> ...


My point exactly! I believe she was able to come to her conclusion based on actually seeing where money would be going. I created a spread sheet to show expenses, income, family savings and our personal savings. I believe she realized then that I was able to pay all of the household expenses and she could keep her money and therefore switched her stance. 

No we don't split the household upkeep, she cleans when she wants, I roll out the trash cans in the morning and take care of the exterior/interior maintenance. I work too hard away from home to come home and take on what I believe she should have done while I was away, so I typically leave the house in ruins until she feels like cleaning up.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

AlbinoLion said:


> My point exactly! I believe she was able to come to her conclusion based on actually seeing where money would be going. I created a spread sheet to show expenses, income, family savings and our personal savings. I believe she realized then that I was able to pay all of the household expenses and she could keep her money and therefore switched her stance.
> 
> No we don't split the household upkeep, she cleans when she wants, I roll out the trash cans in the morning and take care of the exterior/interior maintenance. I work too hard away from home to come home and take on what I believe she should have done while I was away, so I typically leave the house in ruins until she feels like cleaning up.


Might that be part of the issue? It's not fair ask her to split bills and then leave the house to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

AlbinoLion said:


> So my wife and I just finished a conversation that started two weeks ago, at least so I think. Basically we've been married for 8 years, during which we were both active duty military. I retired 2 years ago, she retired 4 months ago. We finally agreed on a joint account, 80/20 split my income and she keeps about $500.00 of her income to save.
> 
> Somehow we went from a joint account to me being a sole provider. My wife is upset because I never fathomed the idea of me being the sole provider. I explained the dynamics of our finances when we were both in the military and how we never discussed me being the sole provider after she retired.
> 
> ...



I'm a bit lost here. Since your W has retired she believes you should be the sole provider and any/all money she receives from the military retirement benefit is hers and hers alone? :scratchhead:


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## AlbinoLion (Mar 16, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> I'm a bit lost here. Since your W has retired she believes you should be the sole provider and any/all money she receives from the military retirement benefit is hers and hers alone? :scratchhead:


Correct, that includes any future finances she may receive by way of the VA. When I asked how that is possibly fair she started to say that as the husband I'm supposed to sacrifice but didn't finish her sentence. Sounds absolutely looney to me...


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## AlbinoLion (Mar 16, 2015)

Lila said:


> Would you be okay with her not bringing in an income if she assumed the responsibilities typical of a SAH spouse, such as housekeeping, cooking, and childcare?


Quite honestly, putting it this way the only way that would work out is if she was medically retired and could not contribute to the finances in the household. 

However in my perspective of a "modern family" where both parents work, they also work together to take care of the house hold and child rearing responsibilities. I see us working together as an opportunity to create a better future for our golden years. We're both only in our early 40's and are both retired from the military, what's wrong with building a nest egg for an additional retirement and truly retire by age 65?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The deal about "the man financially supports his woman" wasn't handed down by God on stone tablets. It existed out of practical necessity because women didn't generally have jobs outside the home. They had more than enough to do there. There is nothing magical about a vagina that makes one entitled to have a man support them. Your wife has retirement income. You have retirement income. Both of you are in a family, so that's family income. Seriously! Her justification, summarized, is that because she has a vagina, she gets to take unfair advantage of you. You have a penis, therefore, it's ok to enslave you. That's a pretty weak argument, especially from someone who retired from a team environment where pulling one's own weight was expected. She made a decision that she would not be a dependent when she joined the service. She also learned to fulfill her obligations and keep her promises. A joint agreement was made. She doesn't get to change it independently. If you are the sole provider and your family is eating McDonalds, your wife isn't feeding anyone, you are.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

make a budget and split the expenses 50/50 hand her a copy.

then let the chips fall where they may. if its a deal breaker then break the deal!

totally crazy you pay for everything and she gets a free ride.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> Might that be part of the issue? It's not fair ask her to split bills and then leave the house to her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Really? Why not?

She is not your typical housewife but instead a military retiree (did her 20 years) and gets a pension. This is not a situation where he just wants to work and wants her to work full-time and clean the house.

Looking at this a different way, he is contributing both his military pension and his current earnings to the family, while she wants to both not work and keep the pension she does get. And, unless she rose to a relatively high rank, $500 monthly is at least half of her benefit.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

AlbinoLion said:


> Correct, that includes any future finances she may receive by way of the VA. When I asked how that is possibly fair she started to say that as the husband I'm supposed to sacrifice but didn't finish her sentence. Sounds absolutely looney to me...


Whe caught herself slipping but not before you learned the truth. She expects you to support the family. That is the minimum level of performance from you as the man. You provide less than that and she probably won't respect you. Have you read on TAM what happens when women don't respect their husbands?

I agree with the previous poster who said you need to insist she help out. Your concept of marriage is one of both spouses teaming up to build a future where hers comes at your expense.

My suggestion is to sit her down and have a cordial but serious discussion. You explain your concept of marriage as a true partnership where both of you work side-by-side to build a future better than you could do individually. You object to her approach because (1) it offends you that she is content to watch you toil while she just hangs out and (2) depending on what kind of 2nd career you have you might have to work indefinitely.

Then, you insist that she work as hard as you do. That means she embarks on a second career and chips in 50% around the house as well.

Good luck!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

DTO said:


> Really? Why not?
> 
> She is not your typical housewife but instead a military retiree (did her 20 years) and gets a pension. This is not a situation where he just wants to work and wants her to work full-time and clean the house.
> 
> Looking at this a different way, he is contributing both his military pension and his current earnings to the family, while she wants to both not work and keep the pension she does get. And, unless she rose to a relatively high rank, $500 monthly is at least half of her benefit.



He's working outside the home? That's not clear to me. 

OP, what do you want? Do you want her to split the expenses and do all of the housework? Chip in relative to what she has coming in and do most of the housework? In your ideal scenario how do you see this working?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

OP, since you've been married nearly a decade, I can understand why this is a shock to you. 

I am also curious to find out what your ideal scenario is. My husband and I have an egalitarian relationship, where we both work and we both contribute to the household chores. 

I can't tell if either of you are working currently. Can you provide more details?

Also, you refer to "your son". Is this also her son? I ask because you say that she sits with him while doing homework, and that suggests to me that he is pretty young, maybe 8ish (as long as you've been married.)

I would put down your argument that anything less than an egalitarian marriage is not 'modern'. The hallmark of a "modern marriage" in 2015 is that it can be anything. It can be same-sex; it can be a woman worker and a male SAH; it can both spouses working; it can be male provider SAHM, or any other variation.

I think it is fine and correct to discuss what you want in your relationship without putting down what the other person wants as "selfish" or "un-modern". There are actually men out there who are fine with providing for their wives and whatever the wife makes is "pin" money. 

Also, if your ideal is for your wife to work AND also take care of all the cooking, cleaning, and child care, there aren't going to be too many women who would go for that. I'm not sure if that is exactly what you're looking for, please do provide more information so we can be more helpful.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> He's working outside the home? That's not clear to me.





AlbinoLion said:


> *I work too hard away from home *to come home and take on what I believe she should have done while I was away...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

DTO said:


> [/QU
> 
> Maybe, that statement just seemed a little vague to me. Not "I'm working full time and she's not", just he's working too hard away from home. Doing what? I wish he would clarify this to give a clearer picture of what's going on. And if you'd read my earlier posts you'd see that i see no reason she should keep all of her retirement money while he pays for everything. I just wanted a clearer picture.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NosborCrop (Feb 25, 2015)

she is selfish, dont buy that crap


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

It is understandable if she, in her mind, is thinking she wants to remain retired after twenty years of service, but if _you_ wind up being the sole provider all of a sudden, then there MUST be some sort of equitable division of duties to make sure the household is a smooth running operation.

She doesn't get to retire from all areas of life...and get to hoard a big chunk of her retirement for her own selfish use while minimally contributing her efforts and energy to budget, set goals, and plan for the future.

My feeling is that all of the money should be joint...with pre-determined percentages and amounts going to bills and whatnot. Wife is entitled to personal spending income that should be pre-allotted, but it shouldn't be an automatic $500 irregardless of fluctuating expenses.

This sounds like there is a serious discussion that needs to be had.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear AlbinoLion

Just a note from this side of the pond, I have a wife who refuses to get a job, relies on me for everything except her pension of £32.00 per month $48. No sex, emotionally abused and physically abused any comments on this one please.


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## BrutalHonesty (Apr 5, 2015)

This woman was in the army? Kinda surprising. I would expect a woman that goes through that route to be a go-getter.

I think a man as provider and the woman as a SAHM can work. But it has to be agreed upon. She can't unilaterally declare that you are now solely responsible for the household income. If you are not cool with that she has to work too.


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