# 1 year later... still feel lost



## Riven

April 2nd was my 1 year regarding my WH/DD. He got a job at home, quit drinking, quit watching porn, mostly participates in the family. We did MC for quite a while, I thought it helped, he thought all we did there was fight, but we went for about 3 months with a real physiologist, after dealing with a crappy "counselor" who put me to the brink of suicide for 2-3 months.

I'm almost done with nursing school, will be done in a couple weeks. It was hard at first, but then I felt like we had a bond going well, but now I feel like that's gone and we're just both here. He says that this is the closest he's felt to me ever. I think part of it is that I don't care and I just blabber out whatever I want anymore. It was almost like that new love phase, and it just wears out.

Sometimes I have bad days, and usually when I do I feel like he thinks that I should "be over it", although he's never said that. Sometimes he'll just leave me there to lay in bed most of the day, and this is when I really feel like I need someone to be there for/with me. Everyone says we're doing good, especially the people who know the whole story, but I just feel like there's such a big hole that will never be filled. 

Sometimes I wonder if it'd be better if we just split, sometimes I wonder if this is just life. I'm on Cybalta and it helps, if I go off of it I notice severe depression again. 

There are so many things I don't get to have the answers to, and I'm a person who needs answers, I like facts, I like information. It's really hard for me to understand why my husband cheated on me when he says that he doesn't know why he did, he was black out drunk. I also have some digestion and chronic sinus issues and I'll lose weight, but then gain it back when I have an exacerbation. I'm not obese, but am about 195, 150 makes me look really thin, but I do have some self-esteem issues there as well. 

If anyone has any words... I've just been so lost lately, and stressed, and I found so much support here when I needed it earlier in the process.


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## Almost30

Hi Riven,
I hve been separated for 10 months. My H wants a R but I am very unsure. I wonder whether it would be as you said, like the first stage of being in love, which always wears off. I don't really think I can help you but I wanted you to know you're not alone and that others are going through this feeling of 'limbo' too. Best of luck.


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## Riven

Thanks Almost30, we got into it yesterday, my husband and I. It seems like after we argue he gets better for a while, sometimes months, some times not as long. 

The thing he can't understand is I will always have a huge hole there, no matter what. If I'm with him, if I'm not. Nothing will ever fill that hole up. My dad cheated on my mom, and she agreed about the hole.

A lot of times just knowing you're not alone is the best thing. I don't know what it's like for others who were aware their marriage wasn't good, but our marriage was good before this happened. Ups and downs like normal marriages, but it wasn't a "bad" marriage, in fact before it happened we were getting along better than we had for years. The issue is that my husband was an alcoholic and worked away from home a lot. He didn't drink at home, just away from home mostly. I know it doesn't make my hurt less than anyone else's, but it was so unexpected to me, and sober he never, ever would have done it (people think I'm defending, but this is the truth). He's been good since, not a drop of alcohol or anything, and no more working away from home. 

It is good to know you're not alone for sure.


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## Lilly_Louise

wow this is great, i am on the other end.... im the wife who has been seperated for 9months with my husband. i want to reconcile so badly! but he is unsure if things would work out..... would they go back to the way things were (fighting etc). Almost 30... what changes would you have to see to consider a second chance? 
Im not being a ***** or a troll by all means, but i dont know or understand your situation, but mine is thick mud! at the moment i've done the 180 on my husband... havnt called, texted etc. but i get the feeling he doesnt care.... is that how you feel on the other side?


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## Riven

I think it's different for men then women, and for each person, but you have to show genuine remorse. You need to express it, and show it. 

That hole is always there, it never going to leave, ever. It's there if you're there, it's there if you're not. We don't fight here really, honestly, it's me attacking him due to my emotions. He tries to understand that but sometimes he feels like I'd just be better off without him anyway. Sometimes me personally, I feel like I don't care. Somedays I do. The good outweigh the bad, but the bad days when you're in them are terrible.


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## MSC71

Your H will probably be very cranky and Moody at time because he has relied on alcohol and porn to deal with things. I'm not sure how long you were together but it is usually years and years of issues before you get to the point of divorce. So just try to be realistic on getting things better. It takes time.  don't.give up!


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## hibiscus

Hey I know how you feel. Its been 9 months and my better days outweigh the bad...but like you said. When I have a bad day..its just awful. I feel this immense sadness that no one can take away from me. 
I guess I am suffering a loss and I need patience to readjust to it.


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## Acoa

Getting close to 1 year since I found out my wife had multiple online affairs.

We are reconciling. We are doing more together than we have since the marriage started. We still have a lot to work on, but the list is getting shorter and progress is being made.

That said, I still 'feel' miserable. I'm depressed, it manifests itself as lack of focus and feeling numb with occasional crying fits. My therapist wants me to talk to my doctor about anti-depressants. I'm not a big fan of pharmatherapy, so I'm exploring some more natural techniques for now (meditation, prayer, diet and exercise).

I guess it's normal to still feel that emptiness. I think it's part of grieving the loss of what we thought our relationship was. That seems to linger on, even after you start to develop a concept of what your relationship is and what you want out of it in the future. 

The emptiness to me is like the phantom pain amputee's report after losing a limb. There is no way to 'make it stop'. You can't fill the hole with anything. It's less overwhelming now that it was months ago. So, there is hope that it becomes tolerable. But I think that tinge of sadness will always be there.


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## Stretch

Riven,

You might want to fill "the hole" with something because when I read your posts, I get the feeling you should call it quits because you cannot address it yourself. He can't fix that for you, you have to fix it for yourself.

Good luck,
Stretch


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## Alpha

Riven--

Stretch is correct, you need to patch that hole yourself.

Was his affair a one night stand? Sounds like it from what you posted. I could see it happening if someone was liquored up and depressed. He wouldn't have done it if he was sober you said, so I can understand why he has no real idea why he says he did it.

If you want to move on and make your marriage work, then you will have to change your attitude. If he were having a full on physical and emotional affair right now with another woman then you should be really depressed. But a one night stand? Sorry I'm not condoning it, but its either you forgive him or not. Yes or no. Don't sit around and make him guess where this whole thing is going. 

And why did you bring up your weight. Were you implying that your husband may have cheated because he found you unattractive? Let me ask, is your husband fat? Or is he in shape and rather good looking? I'm curious.


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## brokenbythis

I too feel a "hole" in my life. I loved him so much. We have now been separated 10 months. He started seeing OW 3 mths after I kicked him out (due to EA's). I filed for Legal Separation April 3rd. He was pretty shook up about me filing, but still to this day he has never done a thing to work on our marriage.

But I feel like too much damage has been done. He still says he loves me and wants to reconcile, but he has sabotaged any chance of that by his cheating, and getting one of the OW pregnant.

Would any of you consider reconciling if you were in my shoes?


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## Stretch

BBT,

I think you need to end your current relationship and your only hope is that sometime in the future you might be able to start fresh as if it was all brand new.

That is my current strategy for my WAW. Only time will tell.

Take care,
Todd


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## brokenbythis

Stretch said:


> BBT,
> 
> I think you need to end your current relationship and your only hope is that sometime in the future you might be able to start fresh as if it was all brand new.
> 
> That is my current strategy for my WAW. Only time will tell.
> 
> Take care,
> Todd


The old relationship we had is DEAD. Long gone. I have ended it. I filed, and went NC a week ago.

I told him I didn't want to see him anymore, talk to him anymore. No more dinners, family days out, trips to the movies, chats on the phone, or him visiting my house.

I told him we can communicate vie email about our son, and I bought my son his own cellphone so my WH can call him direct instead of calling my house. I even said we can use a local drop off child care center for custody swaps.

He was upset, he apologized again for how he's hurt me and admitted all the things he's done to wreck our relationship. I have left it at that.

What he doesn't realize, if he really wanted to fix things he should have come to me with a clear plan of recovery, offered full disclosure and transparency. AND I think he's still in contact with the OW. He didn't. I truly don't think he knows what to do. I don't think he knows how to fix issues. Instead he just walks.

Yes time will tell, but in the meantime I'm doing my own thing, going my own way.


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## whitehawk

We were a classic couple before. But major cluster fk , life , money , house , new area , taxed us both and I went of the rails , ea to. I hurt her a lot and she broke us up . 18yrs. she also met someone to in the end.
I'm so on off I dunno if I'm coming or going and I think now she's still seeing the om.
But it's all been very very damaging to us , I'm not sure if we could go back even if there wasn't or isn't this om anymore.
I find to as time goes on , keep in mind I change by the day , good old roller coaster but , it is nice being free after 18yrs to. As I recover I find myself looking forward to things I could do now if I want to and it is also bloody nice just for once , not having to keep a marriage in check and yourself too , 24 fkg 7 .
So I dunno.
Was having a few drinks with a friend tonight that always refused to go the marriage thing. And when we broke up he reckons all his family and anyone else he knows , are always splitting up or screwing around , he reckons the kids , losing everything they work for , the hurt , reckons why in the hell would anyone want it .
Well , my thoughts are nothing to do with his views , I've always been my own man , always , but it's funny to hear that though none the less , when I'm in the middle of it my very self. And I've wondered those same things a million times to and here I am. It even happened to us.
So I dunno , sometimes in ways , I think thank God lately , not always and I miss her , it's so heartbreaking for my daughter too . 
But hey , on a brighter note , 50/50 , I get more than 1/2 the week to do what ever I damn well want to.
I'm moving outa this area , whcih I hated even coming here in the first place , also thinking about some holidays I can just charge of to anytime I want now , cash permitting.
It ain't all bad .
But even in a good marriage by God it's a lot of work and then one day you can still turn around and cop this so you know . Really makes you wonder why even bother when you start to get your head straight.


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## totallyunexpected

Riven, you've summed up my feelings. I'm six months from my 'real' dday. The one where i find out about escorts. A year earlier we had a fall out over his chatrooming and a secret email. He reassured me and i was eager to forgive. Once i printed the divorce papers, he suddenly changed and did everything he could. Too late. I don't get the whole "forgive and move on" as if you can choose to feel positive. I can lie about how i feel but inside i am suffering major depresdion from that black hole you described. Those who have suffered clinical depression know that you can't just "choose" to have a new attitude. It's hard to explain, and we are all very different in terms of natural coping abilities. I ache with you Riven and i survive by taking it one day at a time and by hoping that like my other lowest low in life that relief will come eventually. That we will hit that point of exhaustion with bitterness where it can only get better and it eventually does. Clearly i am not helpful here BUT know that you are not alone and that here is the place where we can weep with one another about our deep loss. The curveball we were thrown. Hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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