# I worshipped you



## Lostnbayarea (2 mo ago)

Just a letter to vent ...

I loved you, you were my world.. my everything. I wanted a family and life with you. I spent 8 years trying to convince you that I was good person. I was there for you when you dad relapsed in to drugs and gambling. I was there when your mother cried. I was there for your sister when she couldn't have a baby and held her hand. I was there when people disrespected you and insulted you and belittled you and in return that's all you did to me

you hurt me so deep, and when I told you I was hurt and tried to forgive you you told me to get over it over it. I don't know what to do now because you were my life you were my world and now I am wondering around looking for love in all the wrong places, I cry myself to sleep I contemplate ending myeline just so I don't have to feel the pain any moe its been 8.5 months since I left but every time I think of you or I cry I don't know what to do anymore

Was I wrong for leaving?

Should I go back?

Was I wrong?

Did I cause you to cheat?

Was it my fault? Was I not enough for you? will I be enough for someone else?

I question everything now, I will never forgive you for breaking my heart. ill never forgive you for ruining the life we created I HATE YOU but I miss you and I'm sorry because I do miss you and I know I shouldn't. What about him was better than me?

I just want to know why... 

When will I get over you? How long does this feeling last? Will I ever be happy again? 

I date and nobody makes me feel how you did, nobody makes me laugh like you di, nobody understand me like you did


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

Find it interesting that you say that he understands you. But he was also mean/abusive and cheated on you. So how is that understanding you?

What are you doing for yourself? Do you have friends and family you do things with? Do work out? Do you have a job, if so, how's that going? Do you have children?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Lostnbayarea said:


> Just a letter to vent ...
> 
> I loved you, you were my world.. my everything. I wanted a family and life with you. I spent 8 years trying to convince you that I was good person. I was there for you when you dad relapsed in to drugs and gambling. I was there when your mother cried. I was there for your sister when she couldn't have a baby and held her hand. I was there when people disrespected you and insulted you and belittled you and in return that's all you did to me
> 
> ...


I’m sorry to hear about the end of your relationship.

One thing to think about is that you did not cause him to cheat. Cheating people are broken people and they will cheat even when everything is perfect. It's often the thrill of having someone new pay attention to you, or the risk of getting caught, or whatever. It's not your fault he cheated.

Edit: corrected genders


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I’m sorry to hear about the end of your relationship.
> 
> One thing to think about is that you did not cause her to cheat. Cheating people are broken people and they will cheat even when everything is perfect. It's often the thrill of having someone new pay attention to you, or the risk of getting caught, or whatever. It's not your fault she cheated.


It was her husband that cheated.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> It was her husband that cheated.


I thought it was a her, but I didn't see anything about marriage and then this:

“_What about him was better than me_”

So I thought I was wrong about all of it.

I think I'm just going to sit this one out. 😁


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> It was her husband that cheated.


Ok, yea, I saw the other thread now, that filled in the gaps.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry for your pain...

No one will measure up to him.

Why? 

He still stands tall in your mind, he crowds out all others.

He does not deserve that spot, make him an ant, then flick him away.

..........................................................................................

What has he done since your divorce?
He should be kissing your feet, trying to get back with you.

Instead, his lips are on some other poor woman.

.......................................................................................

Get grief counseling.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

You didn't cause your spouse to commit adultery. That is 100% on them. They have no morals. Take solace that you found out now instead of many years down the road. 

It sucks, but it will get better. Work on you, put yourself first. Don't date until you are emotionally ready since the last thing you need is another bad relationship. And when you're not ready, you will make bad decisions. Know your worth and know the perfect man for you is out there.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jeez, if this is the way you feel about someone who literally **** all over you, then I can only imagine how much you'd love someone who brought you a free pizza or washed your car for you.

Why on earth you're romanticizing someone who couldn't even show you the same amount of respect most of us show the common housefly boggles my mind.

Take off the rose-colored glasses. They're severely damaging your ability to see reality.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

You are nowhere near ready to date. I say this with compassion, but this can no longer be about him, it has to become about you. It sounds like you loved this person like a loyal puppy no matter how much he neglected and abused you. THIS is what he understood about you. That he could do anything he wants and you would still worship him. He was no steward of your feelings. How can you worship and love and miss such a broken, evil human? YOU need to change yourself so you will never be this person again. This is a horrific way to live to your life and it will NEVER serve you well. You will be a magnet for a$$holes and cheaters who thrive on weak people to boost their ego and to freely abuse. I implore you to do the work to find out how and why you have become someone who tolerates and even craves this type of relationship. You can control your emotions. It’s time. Become angry; sadness will simply keep you in this rut.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Jeez, if this is the way you feel about someone who literally **** all over you, then I can only imagine how much you'd love someone who brought you a free pizza or washed your car for you.
> 
> Why on earth you're romanticizing someone who couldn't even show you the same amount of respect most of us show the common housefly boggles my mind.
> 
> Take off the rose-colored glasses. They're severely damaging your ability to see reality.


I agree with what you're saying. But adultery can absolutely destroy the other person. It makes you say, do and contemplate things you would never consider before. She needs counseling like most in her situation.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The title told me everything I need to know. 

One should never worship another human being. All humans are flawed and capable of shtty behavior and hurt. No one is worthy of worship by another. No one "completes" another. 

The only person you will ever live with day after day and the only person you should ever truly rely on and trust is yourself. 

Work on your self and develop your own being. Once you develop yourself into your best possible self, then when someone shts on you, which will inevitably occur from time to time, then you do not lose a significant portion of yourself because you are intact as your own being. 

When you are integrated and developed into your own self, then you do not date people that are not right for you because you are not trying to replace another person or replace a part of yourself that was lost with the other person who mistreated you. When you are whole, you do not become involved with someone to fill a missing piece or fill a void in yourself. You become involved with someone as an augment and enhancer to your own life. 

When you are developed and squared away and with purpose, you have no time for losers and do not court them, and they do not prey upon you. When you are squared away, other squared away people are drawn to you and bring their own value into your life. 

My advice is seek a good therapist that can work with you to help determine why you felt inadequate prior to this person entering your life and why you felt the need to 'worship' him and why such a big part of you was lost when he left. Then you can begin to fill in those voids with your own self worth and self esteem to become a whole person of your own value to yourself.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'm so sorry you went through such heartbreak and lost your identity in the process. Time will heal, but I hope that you have learned that making someone your entire world, is really more about co-dependency, than love. Thank you for sharing all of that; it can be therapeutic to let our pain out in writing. 💛


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

SCDad01 said:


> agree with what you're saying. But adultery can absolutely destroy the other person.


Agreed, but I conclude that that is because, a percentage of humans let their feelings and emotions takes over their brain. To me its like too much stress hormones being produced for too long to this type of people, which they use as a form of cope mechanism to deal with their pain. It's like feeling that pain for some reason helps them to carry on. Not normal, but it happens to the point that sometimes it leads to suicide.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Never worship your spouse (or anyone else for that matter). That’s just asking to get * on.


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## Lostnbayarea (2 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> I'm sorry that you are going through this.
> 
> Find it interesting that you say that he understands you. But he was also mean/abusive and cheated on you. So how is that understanding you?
> 
> What are you doing for yourself? Do you have friends and family you do things with? Do work out? Do you have a job, if so, how's that going? Do you have children?


Someone can understand you yet treat you unkind. its called manipulation by a narcissistic person.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lostnbayarea said:


> Someone can understand you yet treat you unkind. its called manipulation by a narcissistic person.


Yea, I guess that's true. You say that he understood you. Apparently, he misused that understand to abuse you. That's evil.


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## sleeping_sandman (2 mo ago)

Hi Lostnbayarea, 

I know I am late, but:

My god, what did that turd do to you?
Sorry for being blunt, but I hope my message gets through your dark cloud that way:

Ok, so big red flag here. Jumping is NOT cool. You are so much more worth than that. 
As a long time paramedic and counsellor I implore you not to do anything stupid. 
You are in no shape to listen to my stories, but believe me that much: Me and my colleagues on your side of the ocean will be forever grateful for this one corpse we don't need to pick up and for not making us to deliver the news to your next of kin.
On behalf of all of us: PLEASE do not go down that road anymore. Stop mindwalking right now. The inviting black nothingness you crave is not real. Stop walking towards it and turn round now. 

This is what you do instead, please, please: 

You go to the nearest hospital and put in a self admission to the psychiatric ward. 
Tell them you are suicidal. They will help you. 
First of all you need to get rid of your suicidal tendencies. They will admit you and they will help you to calm down and sleep. We have drugs for that. Use them. They numb the pain and let your brain switch back on. They will help you think straight. 
After that you go to IC and let them help you to get out of your PTSD and probable Stockholm. 
Please, do that. 
Suicide is not the way. Its an end, your end. And you will destroy others who care about you. 
That is not worth it. 
HE is not worth it. 
Let the professionals help you to start loving yourself again. 
And please check out the answers to your questions. I know deep inside you know the answers yourself, but it might help to see it written out from a stranger:






Lostnbayarea said:


> Just a letter to vent ...
> 
> [...description for a perfect mindfuck removed...]
> 
> Was I wrong for leaving?


NO!



Lostnbayarea said:


> Should I go back?


HELL, NO!


Lostnbayarea said:


> Was I wrong?


No, you were absolutely right to protect the last bit of sanity in you before snapping. 
Use that. Get help for yourself. You are worth that. 
You owe that to yourself and all around you who genuinly care.


Lostnbayarea said:


> Did I cause you to cheat?


NO, you didn't. 
And you could have done nothing to prevent it. 
You are a victim of prolonged and massive mental abuse. 



Lostnbayarea said:


> Was it my fault? Was I not enough for you? will I be enough for someone else?


NO it wasn't. It never was and never will be. The fault is on him and him alone!

You could have done nothing to be "enough". That man was a parasite, a emotional vampire who has fed on you. And as every parasite he would have killed you in the end. You got out before that. 
When you get to a psychologist let him know that you show a form of Stockholm-Sydrome. He will know what to do. 

And finally: Yes, you will be 'enough' for someone else if that is any consolation. There a millions out there who were in the same dark place and who found help. They live now, laugh and love, they have children and grandchildren. They have friends and spouses who love and cherish them. You can have all that, too. I know it. One that was saved from this dark place you are dwelling in is sitting next to me rocking our youngest to sleep. The only thing you need to do for this: Reach out your hand through the dark gate you stand behind to get help.

My colleagues in your city stand guard on this gate to grab any hand that comes out there. We will pull you over into the light again. Just reach out to us. 
We all are flawed individuals with helper syndrome. Let my colleagues use this flaw to your advantage. It is time that you get on the receiving end of caretaking, you earned it. Do it for us. Do it for yourself. you are worth it. You are 'enough' for us. 
And if you think we do that only because we get paid and not beccause we think you are worth it: I have a paycheck that begs to differ. 
(Hope that puts a quick smile on your face) 
The first thing I want you to understand: The only living being you need to be 'wnough' for is yourself. The rest will follow suite...



Lostnbayarea said:


> I question everything now, I will never forgive you for breaking my heart. ill never forgive you for ruining the life we created I HATE YOU but I miss you and I'm sorry because I do miss you and I know I shouldn't. What about him was better than me?


 NOTHING! NOTHING was better about him. He put you through the mental wringer. You came out the other side damaged, but alive and with your sanity, while scarred, still intact. That is more than others can say for themselves. And, by the way, he didn't create anything he just destroyed. YOU created and you can do it again. 
And know one thing: The opposite of Love is not Hate. It is indifference. Stop careing for this... thing... he is not worth one neuron blast. 



Lostnbayarea said:


> I just want to know why...


There is no why with sychopaths like your ex-husband. I know this isn't what you want to hear but the reality is that he IS the why. You had no chance from the beginning. 
Stop rationalising where no rational will ever find roots to blossom into an answer. Spare yourself the hurt. 



Lostnbayarea said:


> When will I get over you? How long does this feeling last? Will I ever be happy again?


It will take time to heal and the process is long, but the reward is so much worth it. You will get your live back. You will be able to see the good in others again. 
And yes, you will be happy again. I promise. I know this. I have seen this. I literally can hear it snorring next to me. 



Lostnbayarea said:


> I date and nobody makes me feel how you did, nobody makes me laugh like you di, nobody understand me like you did


Stop the 'dating', as it only hurts you even more. You are not dating, you are coping and your are bad at it, to be honest. 
You are in no state to have any emotional attachment with anyone you do not know from 'before'. 
After a while you will realise again that they understand. If you are able to listen again. Not with your ears but with your heart. 
Believe me, it will get better. 

And now, if you didn't do it already: Off you go to the nearest hospital, policestation, church. 
Tell them: I am on the verge of ending it. Please help! And let them help. 

Please. Do it. For me. Please?


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## Zabu (24 d ago)

SunCMars said:


> Sorry for your pain...
> 
> No one will measure up to him.
> 
> ...


This is so true.


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