# Wife wants to meet me for lunch. Need advice



## lawdawg (Nov 28, 2014)

I've posted here a few times before but basically, I caught my wife cheating a few months ago. We've been trying to work things out but she never took responsibility and blamed me for her cheating. I was going to leave but ended up telling her to leave since she cheated. She blind sided me and left the day after Christmas. It ruined my son's Christmas. From the things she took, it doesn't look like she planned to come back. She took living room furniture, TVs, dishes, curtains, and even beer out of the fridge. I mean, who the hell does that. I took it pretty hard for the first couple days and I started to tell a few people I know what I have been going through. Surprisingly, I have a much better support system that I thought. As far as she is concerned, I do still have feelings for her. I just also feel that even though she may still love me, she does not respect me. She feels entitled to everything I have and she has been disrespecting me for years. She had a male friend helping move things out of my house and that makes me furious. What man goes into another man's house to take things out? I think it's disrespectful on both of their parts to do that. Since this is community property, I cannot legally keep her out of her even though I've already changed the locks. I did tell her that if she brings that mother****er over to my house again, he will be shot. I am not kidding either. He better not show his face on my street again. I've also told all of her friends about the cheating. She has a couple of big mouth friends and I only needed to tell them to get the word spread around. She called me furious about it because she said I am ruining her reputation. I told her that it's time for me to stop biting my tongue and now the world needs to see who she really is. 

It is very shameful for someone of her culture to cheat on their husband. It shocked a few of her friends so much that they were crying as I told them over the phone. A few of them have called me with offers to meet and sit down and discuss things. They want to bring us together to talk and try to give the marriage another chance. I've declined every single invitation as I told them that my mind was made up and that I am moving forward with the divorce. What surprised me more was that she called me today in a good mood. Since she left, it's been nothing but arguing and pain for me when we talk. Today, she wished me happy New Year and asked what I was doing today. She said that if I was free, she wanted to meet up and eat lunch together. I told her I would be busy today but maybe some other time. 

So, what should I do? In a perfect world, my family would still be together and we would be spending time in the house having fun like the good old days. She seemed happy to leave just a week ago but now, she seems like a different person. I don't know if this is genuine or if she is just under pressure from her friends and family to work things out with me. I know life is a lot harder for her now that she is on her own because before, I took care of 95% of the household financial responsibilities. Was I wrong to decline the lunch? Should I just keep pushing for divorce and not look back? Should I keep declining the invitations from her friends to get together and discuss things? Should I even move forward with the divorce now or should I wait a few months to see how I feel about things then? Any advice would be appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do not meet with her friends to talk about anything. They are women right? Are these women married? Your marriage is none of their business. I understand why you exposed to them. But that's all that is needed.

Declining the lunch is fine. What do you have to say to her? What does she have to say to you? What you need to be careful about is her trying to create a situation where she kind of leads you on in the hopes of her turning your relationship into one where see feels the two of you are separated but good friends. This would serve to help her smooth over what she has done.

One thing you can tell her is that until she agrees to go to MC with you to fix the marriage, you really have nothing to talk about. 

Since your wife has moved out, she has established a new legal residence for herself. Your home is now longer her legal residence. So you can change the lock and keep her out. 

The fact that it is community property does not give her the right to enter your legal residence. Her apartment is also marital "property". Would she agree that you have the right to enter her apartment as you chose?

She is a partial owner of the house you live in. Think of this as similar to a rental situation. If you own a house but rent it out, you do not have the right to enter that house anytime you want. There are renters' laws that govern that.

Which of you owns what, who buys who out, etc is settled in the divorce. But for right now personal property has been divorce. Make that inventory of what she took. You two have established separate residences.

If she is still getting mail at your house, write her new address on it had put mail it back out. The PO will notify most companies that she has moved.

Talk to an attorney, when you file, and have the papers you file list the two of you has having different legal residences.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

At this point, I think filing makes sense to protect yourself.


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## Meli33 (Oct 16, 2014)

IMHO.... yes you were right to decline lunch. Yes, keep pushing for divorce and never look back. 
I would keep clear of all of her friends. You have no need to be in contact with them. 

Your marriage is now over. She left and practically cleared out your home... who the hell does that? 

Time for you to start thinking about your future. Time for you to heal and move forward in your life.

All the best.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lawdawg said:


> I've posted here a few times before but basically, I caught my wife cheating a few months ago. We've been trying to work things out but she never took responsibility and blamed me for her cheating. I was going to leave but ended up telling her to leave since she cheated. She blind sided me and left the day after Christmas. It ruined my son's Christmas. From the things she took, it doesn't look like she planned to come back. She took living room furniture, TVs, dishes, curtains, and even beer out of the fridge. I mean, who the hell does that. I took it pretty hard for the first couple days and I started to tell a few people I know what I have been going through. Surprisingly, I have a much better support system that I thought. As far as she is concerned, I do still have feelings for her. I just also feel that even though she may still love me, she does not respect me. She feels entitled to everything I have and she has been disrespecting me for years. She had a male friend helping move things out of my house and that makes me furious. What man goes into another man's house to take things out? I think it's disrespectful on both of their parts to do that. Since this is community property, I cannot legally keep her out of her even though I've already changed the locks. I did tell her that if she brings that mother****er over to my house again, he will be shot. I am not kidding either. He better not show his face on my street again. I've also told all of her friends about the cheating. She has a couple of big mouth friends and I only needed to tell them to get the word spread around. She called me furious about it because she said I am ruining her reputation. I told her that it's time for me to stop biting my tongue and now the world needs to see who she really is.
> 
> It is very shameful for someone of her culture to cheat on their husband. It shocked a few of her friends so much that they were crying as I told them over the phone. A few of them have called me with offers to meet and sit down and discuss things. They want to bring us together to talk and try to give the marriage another chance. I've declined every single invitation as I told them that my mind was made up and that I am moving forward with the divorce. What surprised me more was that she called me today in a good mood. Since she left, it's been nothing but arguing and pain for me when we talk. Today, she wished me happy New Year and asked what I was doing today. She said that if I was free, she wanted to meet up and eat lunch together. I told her I would be busy today but maybe some other time.
> 
> So, what should I do? In a perfect world, my family would still be together and we would be spending time in the house having fun like the good old days. She seemed happy to leave just a week ago but now, she seems like a different person. I don't know if this is genuine or if she is just under pressure from her friends and family to work things out with me. I know life is a lot harder for her now that she is on her own because before, I took care of 95% of the household financial responsibilities. Was I wrong to decline the lunch? Should I just keep pushing for divorce and not look back? Should I keep declining the invitations from her friends to get together and discuss things? Should I even move forward with the divorce now or should I wait a few months to see how I feel about things then? Any advice would be appreciated.


Make sure that you take a VAR. Record everything.


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## lawdawg (Nov 28, 2014)

Well I didn't know that. I was under the impression that she can still enter and exit as she chooses since her name is still on the house. So how exactly do I keep her out? She came back through the garage and took some things while I wasn't home but I've changed that lock now too. Oh and it makes sense as to her trying to smooth things over and calm me down. Even talking to her friends, the thought of the pain gets me upset and I'm sure anyone can hear it in my voice. I've made it clear that we are not getting back together and I have no intention of working things out. We already tried marriage counseling but the counselor was a prick and we didn't make any more appointments since she announced at the last appointment that she was moving out.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

> Talk to an attorney, when you file, and have the papers you file list the two of you has having different legal residences.


This first.



EleGirl said:


> Since your wife has moved out, she has established a new legal residence for herself. Your home is now longer her legal residence. So you can change the lock and keep her out.
> 
> The fact that it is community property does not give her the right to enter your legal residence. Her apartment is also marital "property". Would she agree that you have the right to enter her apartment as you chose?
> 
> She is a partial owner of the house you live in. Think of this as similar to a rental situation. If you own a house but rent it out, you do not have the right to enter that house anytime you want. There are renters' laws that govern that.


As evidenced by many threads and the few lawyers who post this is not completely true.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> This first.
> 
> As evidenced by many threads and the few lawyers who post this is not completely true.


He establishes this by talking to his attorney and getting it written up in the divorce papers when he files.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lawdawg said:


> Well I didn't know that. I was under the impression that she can still enter and exit as she chooses since her name is still on the house. So how exactly do I keep her out? She came back through the garage and took some things while I wasn't home but I've changed that lock now too. Oh and it makes sense as to her trying to smooth things over and calm me down. Even talking to her friends, the thought of the pain gets me upset and I'm sure anyone can hear it in my voice. I've made it clear that we are not getting back together and I have no intention of working things out. We already tried marriage counseling but the counselor was a prick and we didn't make any more appointments since she announced at the last appointment that she was moving out.


How do you keep her out? You talk to an attorney ASAP and file for divorce. The lawyer can write up that she has moved out it's your sole residence now. A good lawyer knows how to do this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Also, if there are valuables you are concerned with her taking, rent a storage unit and move them to the unit. If she says anything, it's just to keep them safe since she has been taking things without unilateral agreement. These things are community property, not her property.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Lawdaug
> I told them that my mind was made up and that I am moving forward with the divorce.
> I've made it clear that we are not getting back together and I have no intention of working things out.


What you should be doing is IMMEDIATLY doing everything you can legally to secure what you can and everything to build yourself up emotionally and all the other ways. You have had enough and have made up your mind so get all the legal advice that you can and do it as soon as possible. At this point you should only be concerned about how you are going to get every advantage that you can. Do not get swayed by any contact from her or any other emotional manipulations. *You are now at war and only the strong survive. I am not telling you to be vengeful but be smart and diligent in getting every advantage that you can.*


If she wants to talk to you have her do in an email that way it is verifiable if your attorney agrees. DO NOT TRUST HER ON ANYTHING she has proven to you for a long time that she is out for herself only. Even if she gets emotional, just remember that actions always tell the truth and her actions have proven her selfishness. There is no way in the world that she has done a 180 in just 6 days and even if she does in the future you need to have her prove that with actions for many months.

If you think that you may want to reconsider someday then at least wait until the divorce is final. *Then all options are in your hands!*




> I know life is a lot harder for her now that she is on her own because before, I took care of 95% of the household financial responsibilities


*Your words above, if not now, they will be one of your wife’s main priorities very soon.*


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Lawdawg
> I've been told by my therapist that I'm too nice. She says that I am the type of person that will do anything to make everyone else happy even if it means that I'm not happy. *She says that I agree with other people's opinions so I can be accepted*. It kind of hurt to hear that and I didn't even want to believe it. It's funny because she told me that a few years back and now I'm starting to see that it was true


.

Lawdawg, you are going to have to fight your tendency to be “nice”. *Being nice is the nice way to say that your have a hard time standing up to your wife.* Your wife does not think that you have enough strength to not be manipulated by her or for you to follow through on your words. SEE BELOW

*



By Lawdawg
I told her that if we separate, I am gone for good and I am not coming back. She said "oh you'll be back"

Click to expand...

*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She took the beer to pay for her male friend to help remove the property from your house.

How old is your son? You might need to re-run Christmas for him in a few weeks.

Also, look at arranging therapy for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

As Gus said record everything even on the phone with her....sound like she will do any to get back her repution and includes making you look bad....please watch your back....and calls or meeting must have an agenda....must be done in public spaces....never raise your voice...I hope you went to the bank and set up your own account.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The male friend. Is he a friend or a "Friend"?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Be ready for a possible switch back to spiteful/angry mode on her part, so the next time she tries to contact you, inform her that you will be audio/video recording all dialog between the two of you, just might take the wind out of her sails and leave you alone.


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## frankman (Sep 23, 2014)

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING SHE TOOK.

One thing I learned. My lawyer told me judges look down on games by either side in either money or property.

Her taking everything is a game most judges will make her pay back. Oh and get a restraining order yesterday against her friends.

FWIW. I am going to start decorating my new place via Craigslist. LOTS of things that are decent and people don't want. Also. Some towns have official garbage picking days where residents are allowed to set out bulky items for people to lawn shop. Look it up see if there are any near you.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Law,
I cannot tell you what is for I do not have that ability but I can tell you what I feel. I believe your wife is trying to now save face with friends and family hence the lunch invite. She is not interested in R but rather in preventing you from besmirching her further. You should have done this early on by the way but that is neither her nor there at this point.

She is treating you as the "nice guy" she knows you to be. I am sorry for your loss but I believe that you should not only continue with the D but should ramp up your efforts. I know how badly you want your "old" family back but the odds of that happening are very, very slim as in all but impossible.

By proceeding with D you are doing several things. One thing is you are preparing yourself for the inevitable. Another thing is you are involving the legal system to prevent more of her shenanigans. And the most important thing is you're proving conclusively to her that you are now ready to let her go completely.

As you proceed with D she will most likely run the gamut of reactions from wanting you back to hating your guts. Patience is the key here to see where her emotional roller coaster comes to rest. IF, and that's a big if, she decides finally that she wants her family back then she will be willing to do whatever is necessary to accomplish that and will pursue it with earnest.

It is important that you not cave to this initially because if you do it will demonstrate to her that it was easy and therefore of little value. Make her work hard, make her feel the consequences emotionally, financially and socially. If she is sincere she will work hard willingly and not complain about it, if she is not, she will halfheartedly make an attempt and complain the whole time about how unreasonable you are being.

If you have any hope at all of talking reason with her you may dispose of that entirely. People who behave in this manner are devoid of reason and it is therefore impossible for them to have a conversation of that level. The only language they understand is consequences and pain.

Again, I believe it almost impossible that she will "come around" and want the family back but if she does, you will then be faced with the decision of whether or not to put yourself out on that limb again. A difficult decision to be sure so please weigh it with due diligence. I wish you good fortune.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Lawdawg, "I told her I would be busy today but maybe some other time." is probably among the smartest things you've every done. 
Do not meet with privately or on her terms. My ex wife tried to have me killed, for financial reasons, shortly before the divorce was final. In reality nothing will be in your benefit by meeting on her terms. 
As a former law professor, changing the locks on a deserting spouse is an excellent way keep her from willy nilly taking more property, short of breaking in the place. While you cannot "throw her out" , she willfully deserted the home. Worse case is that she will have to get a court order to get access again or to move back in. Write her an email and tell her you will be more than happy to arrange it to allow her to remove any of her remaining personal property. If possible get the guys name that moved the stuff and make an inventory of what was moved and what is remaining, including pictures. 
Get your attorney on this thing yesterday, and don't let this vampire back into your life now that youre rid of her. You've recognized she doesn't respect you. I've got news for you Dawg, she doesn't love you either. When a woman doesn't respect you, its impossible for her to love you, (in that way. Ask the other women on this site). Let her back in and she'll continue to make a fool of you from one end of town to the other.
Listen to Elegirl. She will serve as an excellent guide.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Lawdawg

Her lunch invite could be her subconsciously seeing where you are emotionally. I am glad you didn't bite. 

The last thing you need is to go to lunch and learn about all the things you did wrong and that she was thinking of taking you back until you told her friends all those lies. 

Stay Strong Law


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

lawdawg said:


> I've posted here a few times before but basically, *I caught my wife cheating a few months ago.* We've been trying to work things out but *she never took responsibility and blamed me for her cheating.* I was going to leave but ended up telling her to leave since she cheated. *She blind sided me and left the day after Christmas. It ruined my son's Christmas.* From the things she took, *it doesn't look like she planned to come back.* She took living room furniture, TVs, dishes, curtains, and even beer out of the fridge. I mean, who the hell does that. I took it pretty hard for the first couple days and I started to tell a few people I know what I have been going through. Surprisingly, I have a much better support system that I thought. As far as she is concerned, I do still have feelings for her. I just also feel that even though she may still love me, she does not respect me. *She feels entitled to everything I have and she has been disrespecting me for years.* She had a male friend helping move things out of my house and that makes me furious. What man goes into another man's house to take things out? I think it's disrespectful on both of their parts to do that. Since this is community property, I cannot legally keep her out of her even though I've already changed the locks. I did tell her that if she brings that mother****er over to my house again, he will be shot. I am not kidding either. He better not show his face on my street again. I've also told all of her friends about the cheating. She has a couple of big mouth friends and I only needed to tell them to get the word spread around. *She called me furious about it because she said I am ruining her reputation.* I told her that it's time for me to stop biting my tongue and now the world needs to see who she really is.
> 
> *It is very shameful for someone of her culture to cheat on their husband.* It shocked a few of her friends so much that they were crying as I told them over the phone. A few of them have called me with offers to meet and sit down and discuss things. They want to bring us together to talk and try to give the marriage another chance. I've declined every single invitation as I told them that my mind was made up and that I am moving forward with the divorce. *What surprised me more was that she called me today in a good mood.* *Since she left, it's been nothing but arguing and pain for me when we talk. **Today, she wished me happy New Year and asked what I was doing today.* She said that if I was free, she wanted to meet up and eat lunch together. I told her I would be busy today but maybe some other time.
> 
> So, what should I do? In a perfect world, my family would still be together and we would be spending time in the house having fun like the good old days. *She seemed happy to leave just a week ago but now, she seems like a different person.* *I don't know if this is genuine or if she is just under pressure from her friends and family to work things out with me.* I know life is a lot harder for her now that she is on her own because before, I took care of 95% of the household financial responsibilities. *Was I wrong to decline the lunch?* *Should I just keep pushing for divorce and not look back?* *Should I keep declining the invitations from her friends to get together and discuss things?* *Should I even move forward with the divorce now or should I wait a few months to see how I feel about things then?* Any advice would be appreciated.


lawdawg,

Look at what you wrote about your WW behavior (blue text above). She cheated. She blamed you for it. She ruined her own son's Christmas. She acts like she is entitled. She disrespects you and has for a long time. She was furious over your telling others what she did. Since she left, all she has done is argue with you. Those are called _'actions.'_

Now you think she may have _"changed"_ (see red text above) because she calls you, is in a good mood, wishes you a happy New Year, asks what you're doing and says she wants to meet. Those are called _'words.'
_ 
Then you ask some questions (see green text above). They are, with answers:

Has she changed? *No.*

Were you wrong to refuse her lunch invitation. *No.*

Should you keep pushing for divorce or should you put it on hold? *You should continue with the divorce.*

Should you decline invitations from her friends to talk about your marriage/divorce? *Yes, because they don't have your interests at heart.*

Lawdawg, there's an old saying that you need to memorize: _actions speak louder than words._ Your WW's actions (as well as her inactions) tell you what she rely thinks about you and her marriage. Her actions have shown her to be a cheating, lying, manipulative woman who has no respect for you. What has she actually done that indicates she is any different now?. Nothing. Only a fool would believe that a few nice words prove she is a changed person.

Please, don't be a fool.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Freeze her out. If she wants to reconcile, she must be the active part.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I woud make sure to have a VAR on you at all times. I wouldn't put it past a god lawyer to prove that she left for fear of her life as you "told her to move out". She can claim that she did so under duress as she felt in fear of her safety. Whether true or not, a good attorney can keep it tied up legally for quite some time with that thought.

Get a lawyer and make sure that everything you do is on the up and up and protects yourself as rules and laws change from state to state and a lawyer practicing within your jurisdiction will know best (or at least should, if they are worth their salt).


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

There's certainly nothing wrong with asking her what she wants to discuss. If she doesn't give you a straight answer, then decline any meeting with her.

If she gives you the topic, and that topic is appropriate for a face to face meeting (visitation schedule, possessions) then perhaps you should consider it. And that would only be for you to attempt to find out what her game plan is, as you proceed with the divorce. Record the conversation with a hidden VAR if you are in a one consent state. She might say something that would give you a legal advantage. On the flip side, don't say anything to her that she could use against you. 

Finally, if she tells you she wants to meet with you to consider R; don't go. If you do, that shows her that you are still available as a plan B. In the unlikely event that she is ready to start demonstrating remorse, she is the one that will have to figure out how to communicate this to you. Make her earn that chance; if you would even consider it.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

There isn't any reason for the meeting. All this does is letting you know that she's still pulling the strings and you jumping when she tugs the string.

Your best thing to do is inform her that there is nothing to be discussed unless it's about tour kid and that can be taken care of by a phone call or a text.

What she took was things that can be replaced. What you don't want her taking is your dignity and self respect because once she has that, you may never get it back and if you do it will be tarnished.

If you have to secure anything, make sure it's that your finances are changed that she can't grab it. Change your bank accounts and your credit cards. 

Most of all if it comes down to where you have to meet her, make sure your protected by carrying a VAR with you because if she decides to play the victim card and your not protected, you could be facing serious problems. Protect, protect, protect.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Unless she is willing to completely own everything she has done and do whatever you need to heal and move on there is nothing to talk about.


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## ThirtyYearsIn (Sep 20, 2014)

If she is unusually nice, she wants something. Maybe money, maybe to set you up for trouble with the legal system. Don't meet with her alone. Carry a VAR with you in case she shows up unexpectedly. Get your most important things out of the house, birth cert, etc.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Communicating with someone like your Ex-wife to be?

This is why god invented lawyers.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> Lawdawg, "I told her I would be busy today but maybe some other time." is probably among the smartest things you've every done.
> Do not meet with privately or on her terms. M*y ex wife tried to have me killed, for financial reasons, shortly before the divorce was final. * In reality nothing will be in your benefit by meeting on her terms.
> As a former law professor, changing the locks on a deserting spouse is an excellent way keep her from willy nilly taking more property, short of breaking in the place. While you cannot "throw her out" , she willfully deserted the home. Worse case is that she will have to get a court order to get access again or to move back in. Write her an email and tell her you will be more than happy to arrange it to allow her to remove any of her remaining personal property. If possible get the guys name that moved the stuff and make an inventory of what was moved and what is remaining, including pictures.
> Get your attorney on this thing yesterday, and don't let this vampire back into your life now that youre rid of her. You've recognized she doesn't respect you. I've got news for you Dawg, she doesn't love you either. When a woman doesn't respect you, its impossible for her to love you, (in that way. Ask the other women on this site). Let her back in and she'll continue to make a fool of you from one end of town to the other.
> Listen to Elegirl. She will serve as an excellent guide.


 :wtf: Oh my God.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Your wife is following the standard protocols for fallout most unremorseful cheaters go through when their affairs have been exposed I would be extremely suspicious offer motivations and that of her friend's motivations whether sincere or otherwise she may not be reaching out to you because she wants you back she may be doing it because other man doesn't want her anymore she don't want to be alone my advice for you stay true with the divorce and listen to EleGirl.


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## lawdawg (Nov 28, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> Lawdawg, "I told her I would be busy today but maybe some other time." is probably among the smartest things you've every done.
> Do not meet with privately or on her terms. My ex wife tried to have me killed, for financial reasons, shortly before the divorce was final. In reality nothing will be in your benefit by meeting on her terms.
> As a former law professor, changing the locks on a deserting spouse is an excellent way keep her from willy nilly taking more property, short of breaking in the place. While you cannot "throw her out" , she willfully deserted the home. Worse case is that she will have to get a court order to get access again or to move back in. Write her an email and tell her you will be more than happy to arrange it to allow her to remove any of her remaining personal property. If possible get the guys name that moved the stuff and make an inventory of what was moved and what is remaining, including pictures.
> Get your attorney on this thing yesterday, and don't let this vampire back into your life n*ow that youre rid of her. You've recognized she doesn't respect you. I've got news for you Dawg, she doesn't love you either. When a woman doesn't respect you, its impossible for her to love you, (in that way. Ask the other women on this site).* Let her back in and she'll continue to make a fool of you from one end of town to the other.
> Listen to Elegirl. She will serve as an excellent guide.


Well that's a bit surprising to hear. I already knew that she disrespected me on high levels but I assumed she loved me. I guess if she doesn't, my decision just got a whole lot easier.


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## lawdawg (Nov 28, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> Law,
> I cannot tell you what is for I do not have that ability but I can tell you what I feel. I believe your wife is trying to now save face with friends and family hence the lunch invite. She is not interested in R but rather in preventing you from besmirching her further. You should have done this early on by the way but that is neither her nor there at this point.
> 
> She is treating you as the "nice guy" she knows you to be. I am sorry for your loss but I believe that you should not only continue with the D but should ramp up your efforts. I know how badly you want your "old" family back but the odds of that happening are very, very slim as in all but impossible.
> ...


Even when I caught her cheating, her attempt to fix things were half hearted. She denied the affair the first week even after being confronted with evidence, refused to let me see her laptop until after she deleted everything in her work inbox, and she tried to belittle me for not trusting her going forward. Even after all of this, I tried to work things out but I just couldn't. She was just going through the motions and wanted things to go back to normal literally weeks after she got caught. I've told myself now that the only way that I am willing to work on things with her is if she takes 100% responsibility for her cheating, agrees to pay 50% of the bills, and makes me feel like she's honest instead of just telling me and forcing me to believe it. She had the nerve to say that she put herself down to my level by apologizing and I still wasn't grateful. The way I see it, she put herself beneath me by sleeping with another man. That's why I think divorce is my only option. Her pride is too great and she doesn't have one ounce of respect for me. I don't feel that she will change which is why I am moving forward.


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## lawdawg (Nov 28, 2014)

ButtPunch said:


> Lawdawg
> 
> Her lunch invite could be her subconsciously seeing where you are emotionally. I am glad you didn't bite.
> 
> ...


The more and more I read, the more I am happy that I didn't go. I've been known to give in rather easily so I'm sure I surprised her by not being available to show up. I personally think she is doing damage control with her reputation and one of her tactics is to convince me to tell everyone that I made everything up or to stop telling people about it and keep my mouth shut.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Lawdawg, you were advised on this board to get a D months ago and you held on. You still show feelings for her for some reason even though her intent was evil.

I am glad you are finally heading to divorce. 

Now three things

1) Why didn't you call the cops when the other guy was there if you were home ?
2) What are you going to do to secure the house and keep her out ?
3) Why do you still have feelings for her after all she's done ?

I wouldn't trust her even with 1$. She has turned into a POS and she will screw you over or stretch you out and use you for the $$.

Time to expedite and destroy


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## lawdawg (Nov 28, 2014)

bfree said:


> Unless she is willing to completely own everything she has done and do whatever you need to heal and move on there is nothing to talk about.


Even if she did all that today, I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't take her back. I still have a lot of anger in my heart and since I can't even control those emotions here by myself, I'm sure I can't control them if I had to see her again everyday. Especially when I think about this guy running amuck in my house. I get so furious thinking about that that I have to run in the garage and swing away at my punching bag just to calm down.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How do you keep her out? You talk to an attorney ASAP and file for divorce. The lawyer can write up that she has moved out it's your sole residence now. A good lawyer knows how to do this.


he's paying the price of dragging his feet. He now needs to act expeditiously


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## lawdawg (Nov 28, 2014)

wmn1 said:


> Lawdawg, you were advised on this board to get a D months ago and you held on. You still show feelings for her for some reason even though her intent was evil.
> 
> I am glad you are finally heading to divorce.
> 
> ...


1. I was at work when all this happened. The neighbor saw everything but didn't call the cops since he knew she lived there.
2. So far, I've only changed the locks on the front door and garage. The police said they won't get involved since it's considered community property.
3. I don't know what my feelings are for her. I keep telling myself that I hate her guts but I guess there are some feelings still there since she can get me fired up and upset pretty easily. I think maybe I don't love her because I Feel that even if she came crawling and crying wanting to start over, I wouldn't want to do it.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By* Thephoenix*
> You've recognized she doesn't respect you. I've got news for you Dawg, she doesn't love you either. When a woman doesn't respect you, its impossible for her to love you, (in that way. Ask the other women on this site)
> 
> *By Lawdawg*
> Well that's a bit surprising to hear. I already knew that she disrespected me on high levels but *I assumed she loved me*. I guess if she doesn't, my decision just got a whole lot easier.


You are surprised to hear what Phoenix said?
You assumed she loved you?
Disrespect and humping another man without remorse is just as opposite as you can get from love.
*Lawdawg, you are way over your head and are naïve!*

Get as many qualified, experienced, trustworthy people that you can that have dealt with your problem and follow their lead because you are just too much of a rookie.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lawdawg said:


> Well I didn't know that. I was under the impression that she can still enter and exit as she chooses since her name is still on the house. So how exactly do I keep her out? She came back through the garage and took some things while I wasn't home but I've changed that lock now too. Oh and it makes sense as to her trying to smooth things over and calm me down. Even talking to her friends, the thought of the pain gets me upset and I'm sure anyone can hear it in my voice. I've made it clear that we are not getting back together and I have no intention of working things out. We already tried marriage counseling but the counselor was a prick and we didn't make any more appointments since she announced at the last appointment that she was moving out.


Divorce.



lawdawg said:


> Well that's a bit surprising to hear. I already knew that she disrespected me on high levels but I assumed she loved me. I guess if she doesn't, my decision just got a whole lot easier.


Divorce.



lawdawg said:


> Even when I caught her cheating, her attempt to fix things were half hearted. She denied the affair the first week even after being confronted with evidence, refused to let me see her laptop until after she deleted everything in her work inbox, and she tried to belittle me for not trusting her going forward. Even after all of this, I tried to work things out but I just couldn't. She was just going through the motions and wanted things to go back to normal literally weeks after she got caught. I've told myself now that the only way that I am willing to work on things with her is if she takes 100% responsibility for her cheating, agrees to pay 50% of the bills, and makes me feel like she's honest instead of just telling me and forcing me to believe it. She had the nerve to say that she put herself down to my level by apologizing and I still wasn't grateful. The way I see it, she put herself beneath me by sleeping with another man. That's why I think divorce is my only option. Her pride is too great and she doesn't have one ounce of respect for me. I don't feel that she will change which is why I am moving forward.


Divorce.



lawdawg said:


> The more and more I read, the more I am happy that I didn't go. I've been known to give in rather easily so I'm sure I surprised her by not being available to show up. I personally think she is doing damage control with her reputation and one of her tactics is to convince me to tell everyone that I made everything up or to stop telling people about it and keep my mouth shut.


Divorce.



lawdawg said:


> Even if she did all that today, I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't take her back. I still have a lot of anger in my heart and since I can't even control those emotions here by myself, I'm sure I can't control them if I had to see her again everyday. Especially when I think about this guy running amuck in my house. I get so furious thinking about that that I have to run in the garage and swing away at my punching bag just to calm down.


Divorce.



lawdawg said:


> 1. I was at work when all this happened. The neighbor saw everything but didn't call the cops since he knew she lived there.
> 2. So far, I've only changed the locks on the front door and garage. The police said they won't get involved since it's considered community property.
> 3. I don't know what my feelings are for her. I keep telling myself that I hate her guts but I guess there are some feelings still there since she can get me fired up and upset pretty easily. I think maybe I don't love her because I Feel that even if she came crawling and crying wanting to start over, I wouldn't want to do it.


Divorce.


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## lawdawg (Nov 28, 2014)

Locke.Stratos said:


> It shouldn't be surprising at all. I can respect someone I don't love but I can not love someone I don't respect.
> 
> What is surprising is that you feel you still have a decision to make, your mind should have been made ages ago.
> 
> ...


Well I don't think that it's an entirely bad thing to hold on with a little hope. You're right though. After re-reading everything I posted here, I should have let her ass go ages ago. Furthermore, as long as she knows that I still have hope for us, the longer she will try to string me along as her plan B. My wounds are still fresh and I've been an emotional wreck for the past week. I haven't been sleeping well and I've been replaying this over and over in my head. I have been taking steps to better my life and become a better person. It's just talking to her on yesterday planted a seed in my head and I started to doubt that I was making the right decision. It is clear now that she does not love me so with that thought, it is very easy to proceed with the divorce. I just hate that my kids have to get caught up in this. At this point, I still plan to move forward with the divorce and I will meet with the attorney on the 5th.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

lawdawg said:


> Well I don't think that it's an entirely bad thing to hold on with a little hope. You're right though. After re-reading everything I posted here, I should have let her ass go ages ago. Furthermore, as long as she knows that I still have hope for us, the longer she will try to string me along as her plan B. My wounds are still fresh and I've been an emotional wreck for the past week. I haven't been sleeping well and I've been replaying this over and over in my head. I have been taking steps to better my life and become a better person. It's just talking to her on yesterday planted a seed in my head and I started to doubt that I was making the right decision. It is clear now that she does not love me so with that thought, it is very easy to proceed with the divorce. I just hate that my kids have to get caught up in this. At this point, I still plan to move forward with the divorce and I will meet with the attorney on the 5th.


See your doctor for some temporary help. Unfortunately, they see this a lot.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

lawdawg said:


> 1. I was at work when all this happened. The neighbor saw everything but didn't call the cops since he knew she lived there.
> 2. So far, I've only changed the locks on the front door and garage. The police said they won't get involved since it's considered community property.
> 3. I don't know what my feelings are for her. I keep telling myself that I hate her guts but I guess there are some feelings still there since she can get me fired up and upset pretty easily. I think maybe I don't love her because I Feel that even if she came crawling and crying wanting to start over, I wouldn't want to do it.


I feel for you brother. Just hang in there and D is the best option right now. She needs to do some miraculous things IMO to get you back. I don't think she's going to do that


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Also, if there are valuables you are concerned with her taking, rent a storage unit and move them to the unit. If she says anything, it's just to keep them safe since she has been taking things without unilateral agreement. These things are community property, not her property.


LD keep an inventory of the assets and what she has removed from the home.Take pictures as well.

You will need that in your settlement.

55


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

lawdawg said:


> Even if she did all that today, I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't take her back. I still have a lot of anger in my heart and since I can't even control those emotions here by myself, I'm sure I can't control them if I had to see her again everyday. Especially when I think about this guy running amuck in my house. I get so furious thinking about that that I have to run in the garage and swing away at my punching bag just to calm down.


And he took your beer for Christ Sake......*Your Beer.*

Anger is good at this point LW

Use it in a controlled way.

55


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## lawdawg (Nov 28, 2014)

just got it 55 said:


> And he took your beer for Christ Sake......*Your Beer.*
> 
> Anger is good at this point LW
> 
> ...


Ha Ha seriously thanks for that because I needed a good laugh. I didn't notice the beer was gone at first but when I finally noticed, I was pretty pissed. I keep asking myself why she would do something as petty as that.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

lawdawg said:


> Ha Ha seriously thanks for that because I needed a good laugh. I didn't notice the beer was gone at first but when I finally noticed, I was pretty pissed. I keep asking myself why she would do something as petty as that.


Here in the deep south, taking all the furniture is petty. Stealing the beer stash is akin to a federal offense, punishable in ways you don't even want to think about.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

Glad to hear you did not go to lunch with her. I agree with so many others that you need to keep your distance from her. She is up to something, and it is not that she wants to come back.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

*Lawdawg:*

My thoughts:

Lawyer up immediately.

Change the locks, all of them. 

File police reports – burglary. It is not the police officer’s position to determine what is and is not “community property” and for all you know/knew it may or may not have been your wife who entered the house and removed the property. The important thing is to document the “shenanigans” for a finder of fact and trier of law to determine i.e., a court of law. That is not the officer’s role and any characterization he or she may have given to you regarding the nature of the “community property”, it is of no more validity than the “opinions” you may get here on the internet. . . . and even then, if it is “community property” half of what was taken – belongs to you.

Be calm, cool and collected. This is business anymore – check your emotions at the window. 

The Officers know the play list; they’re just being “well intentioned” slackers IMHO.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

lawdawg said:


> I keep asking myself why she would do something as petty as that.


Simply put

*Your wife is a loser. Not just a cheater and a liar.*

Sad but true.


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## lawdawg (Nov 28, 2014)

SpinDaddy said:


> *Lawdawg:*
> 
> My thoughts:
> 
> ...


Well I don't know if changing my story now would end up putting me in trouble. I called them the first day and they never showed up. When I called the next day, they called me on the phone and said that they will not come out because they can't get involved. They said the only way they would come out is if her name isn't on the house or I have a court order that bans her from the property. From what the officer said, she could come out and clean the entire house out and there is nothing I can do about it until the court passes judgement.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

How about transferring to a storage rental facility anything else of value that she might come back for at a later date?


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

chaos said:


> How about transferring to a storage rental facility anything else of value that she might come back for at a later date?


This.

I'd also add, your old lady seems addicted to drama and has little conscience. The niceness maybe a play at softening you for the stuff she took, as well as keeping you around as Plan A.. I say Plan A because it's the primary plan when all else fails, Plan B is the least important, take every on trail and if it fails to back to the tried tested and reliable.

No doubt, when she needs her escape from reality she'll start trying to butter you up more..maybe even try to throw in some sex.

Keep your goals in sight and remain on course. You're doing yourself a big favor by getting rid.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

lawdawg said:


> Well I don't think that it's an entirely bad thing to hold on with a little hope


No it isn't, to hope is basic to all of us. We tend to hold on to hope for better outcomes in situations that are beyond our intervention, like for the sick to heal or a better world in some aspect.

Yours is not a situation that is beyond your ability to influence and effect it.

Now I cannot aid in legal advice because I'm not intimately familiar with the laws particular to your country or your legal system. However when it comes to certain people and personality types such as cheaters, narcissists or manipulators I'd like to think that my experiences may be of help to you.

If I recall correctly it's been approximately three months since you found out about your wife's infidelity. This is within the realm of time that most betrayed spouses are still in shock, reeling and spiralling in uncertainty and a torrent of emotions. You're thinking and feeling a lot and pretty hard and it can be overwhelming. You desperetly want answers and try to 'normalize' which in your case involves getting back together with your wife.

This is so beyond retarded to me but if it is what you want then your strategy of inaction, reactive and passive behaviour will guarentee that you fail in that regard.

Your wife's actions and behaviour are beyond your control or understanding. You can only control how you behave and react.

With that in mind take control of your life. You should cease all communication with her, limiting your interactions to written form, either text or email. She should no longer be the epicenter or focus of your attention. You do not take her calls, initiate contact or respond to anything other than messages which concern your child or finances.

You see an attorney, file for divorce and have her served. In the mean time you should take care of yourself. Start or continue exercising, socialize, meet new people and make friends (no dating for you at the moment), find new or indulge your current interests and hobbies, eat healthy and sleep a good number of hours every night.

Build yourself up to be a happy, emotionally healthy and confident person.

You have a gargantuan task ahead of you and it will take time, have patience and dedicate yourself to it. 

Now I've commented on your threads several times and I *hope* that this will be the last time that I do so offering advice because I'm starting to feel like I'm repeating myself.

I *hope* to read your future posts about how well you're doing, the progress you've made, how you've managed to move on with your life and that you are happy, not that other depressing s***.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

lawdawg said:


> 3. I don't know what my feelings are for her. I keep telling myself that I hate her guts but I guess there are some feelings still there since she can get me fired up and upset pretty easily. I think maybe I don't love her because I Feel that even if she came crawling and crying wanting to start over, I wouldn't want to do it.


Always keep one thing is mind. For her to be a good wife and companion, all that matters is how she feels about you. It doesn't matter how much you love, want or need her. Unless she's "into you" you're going to be living in hell my man. Even if she stays for the money, kids, social position or whatever, you'll pay a big price and reap little if any reward.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Touch my wife and I'll rough you up. Come into my house and take my beer!!????!!!!!

There are places other than space where no one can hear you scream!&#55357;&#56840;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Touch my wife and I'll rough you up. Come into my house and take my beer!!????!!!!!
> 
> There are places other than space where no one can hear you scream!&#55357;&#56840;
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This made me chuckle


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

lawdawg said:


> Well I don't know if changing my story now would end up putting me in trouble. I called them the first day and they never showed up. When I called the next day, they called me on the phone and said that they will not come out because they can't get involved. They said the only way they would come out is if her name isn't on the house or I have a court order that bans her from the property. From what the officer said, she could come out and clean the entire house out and there is nothing I can do about it until the court passes judgement.


LawDawg, for some reason I recall you being located in Houston, Texas USA. If so, you need to contact the Constable rather than the Police. I don’t get the deal with the Houston Police Department but that is another topic. This phenomenon may be relevant in other jurisdictions as well but at least for the outer Houston suburbs, the Police only seem to be interested in helping with matters that have a good probability of making the Six O’clock news or writing speeding tickets.

Your story is . . . . “you need to file a report. Someone ( it may have been a burglar, it may have been your estranged wife who has moved out of the house, it may be the crack-head boyfriend she moved in with, you don’t know) entered the house without your knowledge or permission and removed a list of items. You will need to make a list of those items and you probably will need to go to the office to file the report.”

You want to make this documentation for two main reasons: First to provide substantiation/documentation regarding the wife’s character – if that becomes an issue in the divorce. Second would be to provide documentation to the current disposition of marital/non-marital assets. Otherwise, the whole thing becomes a “he said/she said” issue for the Court to try and figure out.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

lawdawg said:


> Well I don't know if changing my story now would end up putting me in trouble. I called them the first day and they never showed up. When I called the next day, they called me on the phone and said that they will not come out because they can't get involved. They said the only way they would come out is if her name isn't on the house or I have a court order that bans her from the property. From what the officer said, she could come out and clean the entire house out and there is nothing I can do about it until the court passes judgement.


So all the locks were damaged when she moved everything out and you replaced them with new locks. You haven't seen her since to give her the new keys. Nothing illegal about that and the cops still don't get involved.

And if you do meet with her - you don't tell her the locks have been changed until she asks about it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Change the locks. If she wants in bad enough, she can call the cops.


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## lawdawg (Nov 28, 2014)

Locke.Stratos said:


> No it isn't, to hope is basic to all of us. We tend to hold on to hope for better outcomes in situations that are beyond our intervention, like for the sick to heal or a better world in some aspect.
> 
> Yours is not a situation that is beyond your ability to influence and effect it.
> 
> ...


Believe me when I say that I have been reading all the advice though I do admit that I have been dragging my feet in some areas. I have already started working on bettering myself so that is a start. I've also come to realize that divorce is my only option so I will be filing on tomorrow. I don't know what she wants and honestly, I do not care. Every time I text/email her about details regarding the divorce, she ignores me like I didn't say anything. But believe me if she needs something, she is blowing my phone up until I answer. She had the nerve to text me asking for the Netflix password and I just ignored her. I don't think she wants a divorce but I'm not going to sit around any longer while she decides who she wants to be it. Besides, someone mentioned in my other thread that I can always cancel the process if I so choose. For now, I'll file and have her served at work. I don't trust or believe anything she says now so I do not feel bad for making this decision. Thanks for all the help.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Lawdawg, you say it is very shameful for someone of her culture to cheat on her husband ... of what culture is she ?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> She had the nerve to text me asking for the *Netflix password* and I just ignored her. I don't think she wants a divorce but I'm not going to sit around any longer while she decides who she wants to be it.


The password to watch movies. That tells you loads about her mindset. She feels connected to you in this normal request in the midst of abnormality. She has not processed the situation. She lacks pride.

Divorce is the right move. Continue detaching. R is possible only if she comes to you with a completely different attitude. She has to have light bulb floating overhead. She has to say the right things with more sincerity than a car salesman on Saturday afternoon.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

you should of told her the netflix password was "EatSh!tandDie" all one word

No you handled it right by not responding


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

convert said:


> you should of told her the netflix password was "EatSh!tandDie" all one word
> 
> No you handled it right by not responding


 Man, I would've even changed the password to that to not be called a liar. Too funny.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

IIJokerII said:


> Man, I would've even changed the password to that to not be called a liar. Too funny.


I would have changed it to "[insert wife's name]isatwobitwh*re" But that is just me. Then every time she logged in, she would know what you thought of her.
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Lawdawg


How are you doing now?

HM


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