# She has to check "What if?"



## kevrazz (Dec 4, 2011)

Been married for 14 years. Have three children. About two years ago I discovered that my wife was having an emotional affair via Facebook chat with a guy she had a crush on when she was in high school. She said that it started off innocent enough but got hotter as time went on. After it was discovered, I asked her to stop any contact if she wanted to save our marriage. So she did. I later found some pictures in her computer and I discovered that she had slept with him when she left town for a conference. in that time. She didn't tell me everything and wouldn't have if I didn't find the pictures.

Since this discovery we talked about everything, worked it out and moved on with our relationship. In fact, it has been better than ever (as far as I knew). We seemed very happy.

Anyways, my wife left town again on another work related conference within the las few days. I discovered through her text messages that she was planning to go see the OG. Not an hour before I saw the messages were we having a lovey dovey conversation, I miss you, etc. I called her back again and called her on her secret to go see the guy. She admitted to it but said that I have nothing to worry about. She said that they are "just friends" now. She said she didn't want to go through life with me and not know "what if". She affirmed to me that I am the better man, she wants more chidden with me, and wants to grow old with me. She said that she needs to bring conclusion to that relationship. At first I said that that if she goes we are over. She was respecting my wishes, but begrudgingly. I got the sense when she comes back home that she would resent me the rest of our relationship for not letting her go. In the end I let her go with the understanding that if she gets to go, that there will be no more last times. Next time she connects with this OG in any fashion that there is divorce without discussion. She agreed. She said that she needed to confirm her feelings with me before she could move on for the rest of her life with me.

Now I am writing this as she is in the middle of her visit with this guy. I have initiated all contact with her since she has been there. I don't feel like this is a good sign. She talks to me and assures me that she is OK and we are OK but, she hasn't initiated any contact with me since being there. She only responds with affection if I give it first. I feel like I am the only one trying to keep this relationship together. She told me that I can call her anytime I want to, and even talk to the OG if I want to. The few times that I did call I was asking lots of questions in a needy fashion. Who wouldn't in these circumstances? I love my wife! I see that the more I react, the more the OG looks more appealing, cuz I am the one freaking out. I am deciding to use 180 while she is gone.

I have read in other posts that when your partner is in a fog that there is no reasoning with them. I have spent countless hours trying to reason as to why this kind of thing is not healthy for our relationship but she always seemed so unhappy if she wasn't going to get to see the OG. 

By me agreeing, I get to go through a very painful time waiting for my wife to finish her visit so that I can have a lifetime with her. I feel like she is being selfish and only thinking of her feelings. This is unfair because I have never done anything like this to her. I believe that she should give me the same courtesy I have paid to her.

Although, what I have come to realize through all of this is that I cannot control her, nor do I want her to be with me half-heartedly. I want to be happy WITH someone who also wants to be happy with me. I don't want her to stay with me because I forced her to make a decision. She may discover that she really doesn't want to be with me. I think at this point I just want to know either way so we can move on with life. Although, I think she is broken and she is indifferent about being with me. I don't know if I like that. Why am I trying so hard to make this work?

Through our conversations I have come to realize that she is afraid to hurt my feelings. So she tells me nothing that might hurt my feelings. But by doing so, I am not being fair to her to let her share her feelings if she is having a hard time with the relationship. I need to give her space without reacting.

She admits that she isn't a nice person, a selfish b****, not thinking of the big picture....but still wanted to go even though it meant threatening our relationship.

I don't know if letting her go was the right choice. I am so confused.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

She's being very disrespectful.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You send a text / Facebook message to her friends and family telling them she is an affair, name the OM . Call her family now and let them know she is with her POSOM. Get hold of his wife , parents and let them know. Send a mail to a number of her coworkers saying she is in an affair and using this event as a cover .

Call a locksmith and change the house locks, call the bank and have her credit card cancelled or report it stolen .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> You send a text / Facebook message to her friends and family telling them she is an affair, name the OM . Call her family now and let them know she is with her POSOM. Get hold of his wife , parents and let them know. Send a mail to a number of her coworkers saying she is in an affair and using this event as a cover .
> 
> Call a locksmith and change the house locks, call the bank and have her credit card cancelled or report it stolen .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I bet this seems extreme, but it's good advice. Take control of your marriage and fight for it if you want it. Stop crying and get angry.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Sorry to say what are you doing ? You are effectively giving her the opportunity to [email protected]&* around on your marriage . 

Change the balance, first thing tomorrow go in and start divorce proceedings , this can be stopped at any time . Do not tell her what you are doing .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

HusbandInPain said:


> I bet this seems extreme, but it's good advice. Take control of your marriage and fight for it if you want it. Stop crying and get angry.


:iagree:


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

Yea cut the crap and drop the hammer.


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

Sounds like she is turning you into a cuckold. Why did you let go have another sex visit with her ex boyfriend?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So you basically gave your wife permission to screw around on you?!?!?! Wow, that's just messed.

If my hubby had done that I would have sweetly told him sure, go ahead, but don't bother coming home afterwards, because the locks will be changed and your stuff will be on the lawn in garbage bags.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> *So you basically gave your wife permission to screw around on you?!?!?! * Wow, that's just messed.
> 
> If my hubby had done that I would have sweetly told him sure, go ahead, but don't bother coming home afterwards, because the locks will be changed and your stuff will be on the lawn in garbage bags.



Yes, that's the bottom line. You gave your wife the go-ahead.

She's manipulative and you allowed it.

It's really up to you if you want to remain like this. Your actions count more than what you say.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Kevrazz. Carry out the steps posted , it will do you a world of good to expose the affair and start taking control. Your fear will hold you back and it is your fear that will lose your marriage . You have a great opportunity now to hit this affair and kill it .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> So you basically gave your wife permission to screw around on you?!?!?! Wow, that's just messed.
> 
> If my hubby had done that I would have sweetly told him sure, go ahead, but don't bother coming home afterwards, because the locks will be changed and your stuff will be on the lawn in garbage bags.


I thought the exact same thing.

I would tell her that she certainly can go visit her boyfriend if she wishes. Free will. She just shouldn't be surprised to see the locks changed and her stuff donated to charity.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

You have been gaslighted too long. It is abuse, it has caused you damage. Both emotional as well as mental. That damage will become more evident with time and at the cost of your marriage. I promise you, if u don't take control of this right now it's over. Only a matter of how long it takes and the levels of collateral damage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Simple, tell your wife that you cannot continue with 3 people in your marriage and that she needs to make an immediate decision, if he is in het life you will not be in hers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

If she delays, separate finances, start separation/divorce conversation/action, go 180 on her, and work on your healing.....shock and awe!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You gave her permission to cheat on you with a guy you had already fought hard to stop the affair with.
Just divorce her immediately. Anyone who had even the slightest respect, love, or care for your feelings wouldn't have even suggested what she asked for.

She got caught, she went back, she hid that she wasgoingto cheat again, you caught her, and she demanded the chance to screw him on last time to just be sure.

Omg. Have you any self respect left st all? 

Tell her to not bother coming back, because you have figured out what if, and it's that she is a horrible evil selfish person and that the loser she is cheating with can keep her. 

Wow!!!! This has so depressed me reading this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

So spouse in a marriage can have PA's just to check What if scenarios?

Actually tell her that you have your own "What if I divorce her and go see other faithful woman scenario" and will resent her if she wouldn't allow it. Go date around and divorce her when you find a decent woman.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> You gave her permission to cheat on you with a guy you had already fought hard to stop the affair with.
> Just divorce her immediately. Anyone who had even the slightest respect, love, or care for your feelings wouldn't have even suggested what she asked for.
> 
> She got caught, she went back, she hid that she wasgoingto cheat again, you caught her, and she demanded the chance to screw him on last time to just be sure.
> ...


:iagree:










She's rubbing her affair in your face. The question is are you going to sweep this under the rug again, or are you going to do something about it?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> You gave her permission to cheat on you with a guy you had already fought hard to stop the affair with.
> Just divorce her immediately. Anyone who had even the slightest respect, love, or care for your feelings wouldn't have even suggested what she asked for.
> 
> She got caught, she went back, she hid that she wasgoingto cheat again, you caught her, and she demanded the chance to screw him on last time to just be sure.
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Kev----your wife hid, the physical part of her A., was never gonna tell you----now she has hooked up with him again, for a whole weekend---once again she was never gonna tell you

How much sh*t do you intend to take

Even tho your wife allegaedly says she is into the mge., where do you think her thoughts have been/are?????

Obviously they have been/are fully on a repeat performance, and HE HAS NEVER LEFT HER MIND!!!!!!

You are getting sloppy 2nds, mentally, as far as she is concerned.

You even gave her permission to go and see him, now you are freaking out, and want it called off----guess what at this point, she really isn't tooooo worried about what YOU WANT----for she is getting what she wants!!!!!!

Do you enjoy knowing she thinks constantly about her lover being inside of her---get used to it, cuz all you seem to do is to allow her to go to him----FOR ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU DID---YOU ALLOWED HER TO GO TO HIM KNOWING SHE HAS ALREADY SLEPT WITH HIM AT LEAST ONCE, or more, cuz you probably, really DO NOT KNOW THE WHOLE TRUTH.

You can't think past, the I love her, and don't wanna lose her----well guess what, she is already gone----

You don't wanna control her, so you just willingly say to her, sure go and see the guy, and sleep with him----what you need to understand is, that what she is doing, is way outside ANY BOUNDS FOR A MARRIED WOMAN-----what she is doing has nothing to do with control, it has to do with staying within boundaries, following your accepted vows, and doing what a married spouse should/needs to do---AND NO WHERE DOES IT SAY SHE GETS TO ALLOW ANOTHER MAN TO ENTER HER!!!!!!


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

The affair never stopped,she just hide it better than last time...
and please start respecting yourself and dont be a cuckold...

Just divorce her immediately...


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Greet her with a polygraph appointment. I cannot believe you actually agreed with allowing her to have one more for the road.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

I agree with all other posters. You are being a cuckhold husband. I think you should just contact the lawyer. If she crawls back to you, then you may consider R, but if not, just move on.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

your wife told you that she wants to stay married to you amd have more children with you..i would be consirned here. could be setting you up to raising om baby...i would be just be filing for divorce though, to much disrespect for me.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Kevraz...

Get back here, Speak up. I know this is all harsh and you probably have a nuclear war happening inside of you. I understand how you feel, we all do. Please don't shut down. Stand tall, keep posting. 

None of this is intended to insult you or knock you down further, the only intention of sharing this harsh reality with you is too shake you up, and hopefully to spark some anger. You need it, badly.

Your at a critical spot here, you need to talk this out. Your lost, we really want to help. Fight through the panic and the haze, if you want to make this better you have to take action.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

Have to agree with the majority here. You're being cuckolded. Your wife knows it and is more than happy to live with the home and security you help provide while going to get her rocks off with another guy. You may feel like you still love her, but it's pretty clear she does not love you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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