# I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll



## lostnlonely (Mar 11, 2017)

*He wants to leave me for something that happened 12 years ago*

I need help on what to do with my marriage. this is going to be a long one as i'm going to be completely honest and give the entire back story. I love my husband and have been with him for 16 years married for only 1. When we were younger about 17 and 20 years old he went to prison for 3 years. I promised that I'd wait for him and I did. I wrote him everyday for the first two years and about every week or so during the third year ( My life had become busy and I was working crazy hours as a waitress to save enough money for us to have a place by the time he got out that following year) During this time I made friends at my new job which was a relief because I had been totally alone during the first two years.

I had cut everyone off and was severely depressed from missing him even though I saw him every two weeks. During the last year my friends consisted of a female and a male. Now the male I was comfortable with because I had no reason to think he wanted me in that way. So one day he offered to pick me up for work and I said sure that would be nice (since it saved me $6 on a cab) The day he came to pick me up I told him wait here and went to get ready. He came up stairs and started talking to me about normal non sense then out of no where he kissed me. I never ever led him on. When he realized It was not a mutual feeling he apologized and I accepted ( Now I feel I should have throw him out) so we left and went to work. 

I started to distance myself from him at that point. I felt I needed to tell my husband because we didn't keep secrets from one another. So I did and he was upset obviously but he understood that it was totally one sided and I apologized profusely. Of course he demanded I stay away from him and I did until the man in question started dating my best friend at the time and he would come around with her sometimes. Now I didn't see the problem with this as I was not interested in him and he was dating my friend. So we all hung out together. My husband finally came home and I had a place ready for us and I thought we were fine. I introduced him to my friends and he seemed fine with it for months. Now I knew I couldn't afford to keep the apartment up alone and told him that he needed to get a job. He wasn't really trying much and after a few months and an eviction notice I lost it. 

I admit that I began to belittle him and shame him as I was frustrated and it was the only way I thought at the time that he would make the extra effort. Through it all we still managed to stay together even after we got evicted and spent two years living with different family members until we got ourselves together (Mind you during this time I got pregnant and had a baby who was 1 by the time we got our own place) After about a year he started messaging a woman we both knew but weren't friends with. I have bad blood with her from us being teens. He claims he never slept with her but I didn't believe it then and I don't now. 

However I never ever brought it up after we had the initial issue of me discovering the messages. I tend to let go of things once i'm passed it. At this point I don't think he was cheating he was always home when not at work (he is a homebody) Now I have asked him through out the course of our relationship to no contact this woman and he will agree but 6 months or some years will go by and he is back to texting her always insisting their friends. So suddenly he starts Accusing me of having sex and emotional affair with the guy I was talking about that I worked with. Now this was 7 years ago at this point but he keeps insisting that it happened. he has made up his mind about that and won't let it go.

he refuses to believe me saying that my actions lead him to believe that I did it but I know that I didn't. Now this is an on and off argument with him it has been 3 years now and he will find any reason to fight about it and bring it up. two months before our wedding he went insane because I ran in to an old friend while we were out together. I knew this guy way before him that I hadn't seen in 10 years. We were only ever friends never anything more even before my husband. Once I got with my husband I stopped even seeing him then he moved away. 

So I see this friend and he has a mess of hair on his face and I jokingly grab his beard and make a pirate joke. My husband storms off practically leaving me and accuses me of being a thot ( *****). we got in to a huge fight and he brought up the other thing again as well saying I was a no good ***** and he was leaving me.( Also by this point we have had baby number two and this all took place on valentines day) So after two weeks of fighting and him constantly being hurtful and calling me horrible names we managed to work it out. we bought our first home and got married ( We weren't married before because he wanted to be financially stable first) So we move in and everything is fine and happy. Now almost a year later he is accusing me again of cheating on him and belittling him when we were younger and being disrespectful and not loyal and a deceitful *****. 

He says that it is over and he wants a divorce. he said he never should have married me and that he hates me. He says that he doesn't have a life because he never goes any where (he is a homebody nobody forces him to stay home. he works over night and sleeps all day) and that it is all my fault. I know he is stressed because of the bills and I know stress is his trigger to treat me this way and act out. So I went out and got a job to help out ( I'm a stay at home mother. His choice not mine. whenever I get a job he claims he can't watch the kids and work and that it is too much for him ect. he doesn't trust daycare's or baby sitters) I have tried talking to him and hearing him out I have even apologized for what he thinks I did even though I know I didn't do anything. He is adamant about not being with me and I have checked all his phones and texts and even the phone bill so I know he is not Cheating on me ( I know it was wrong but this came out of no where and I had to know so went through his stuff) I'm a good wife to him.

I take care of him and I'm always will to be intimate. I'm not perfect. Sometimes when he attacks me I attack back because it can be so brutal. I say things just as mean to him when I am feeling attacked. I know that he loves me. I'm not sure if he is in love with me anymore however. I just don't know what to do and need some advice on how assuming I can fix this. Our children have no idea its bad between us and I love him so much so I feel like I'm being forced out of a life I built. I also don't want to have ruin my girls happy life over something I didn't do but he can't seem to let go of. Any advice or help would be appreciated. 

He won't go to counseling and I know there is no way I can get him to attend a workshop of any sort. Even if we managed to get back to a good place he wouldn't go. he thinks it is all bs and he is one of those people where he is right and the world is wrong. I just feel so lost and alone. When he is home he pretends i'm not there unless he needs me to get the kids to stop doing something. when he does speak to me it is only to yell at me and belittle me and continue to dissect something that happened years ago that I can barely remember now. He swears that he just can't get over it and i'm not who he thought I was that he doesn't even know me because the woman he knew wouldn't have allowed that to happen. I'm so lost he is throwing away our beautiful family because of something that he thinks I did and can't seem to get past. Even after all this time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm confused. Has your husband left you? Or is he talking about leaving you?


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## lostnlonely (Mar 11, 2017)

Threatening to leave. This isn't his first time to say it but he is being total irrational about it and I think this time he may be serious


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

My vote is the guy is a loser who you never should have wasted your time on in the first place. You wasted 3 years working your fingers to the bone to provide this jailbird with a place to live after he was sprung - and the ungrateful asshat apparently thought he was above working for a living like you, and sat around all day until you lost that home and had to live with relatives for the next few years. 

That ALONE tells you how he lacks character and integrity.

Your poll is ridiculous because you didn't DO anything. Dealing with the mental cripple you chose to marry is your *real *problem, not defending yourself against trumped up lunacy from your husband.. He's a liar (big surprise _there_) and a manipulator who continually accuses YOU of cheating because *he's* doing it. Cheaters very often accuse their betrayed spouses of doing exactly what they're doing - cheating. He's just another paranoid cheater looking to throw all the blame onto you and make you the bad guy.


> So I see this friend and he has a mess of hair on his face and I jokingly grab his beard and make a pirate joke. My husband storms off practically leaving me and accuses me of being a thot ( *****). we got in to a huge fight and he brought up the other thing again as well saying I was a no good ***** and he was leaving me


I don't know what a 'thot' is, but your husband is not sound mentally. He's *not*. Normal people do NOT act like this.

The next time the assclown threatens to leave you, open the door wide for him. Stop begging this lunatic to treat you right. He's incapable of doing that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I merged your two threads. Only one thread allowed on a topic. I left it in this forum because from what you say you did not cheat.


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## lostnlonely (Mar 11, 2017)

Thank you for that. I do love him thought I probably shouldn't. I'm not making excuses for him because I think exactly what you say everyday. I just don't want to ruin my kids family. He is a wonderful father and was a wonderful husband until I apparently disgusted him with my past.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm curious. What percentage of your joint income are you earning now?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lostnlonely said:


> Thank you for that. I do love him thought I probably shouldn't. I'm not making excuses for him because I think exactly what you say everyday. I just don't want to ruin my kids family. He is a wonderful father and was a wonderful husband until I apparently disgusted him with my past.


What was he in prison for?

It sounds like he was disgusted with your past while he was in prison and acted out on it pretty much soon after that. 

Have you ever tried to figure out about him cheating. My bet is that he does cheat and is using the little bit he has on you to justify his cheating to himself.


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## lostnlonely (Mar 11, 2017)

Basically non he makes over 100k a year. I just started my job a week ago and only stand to make about 20 before taxes. I just wanted to help out with the bills so he wouldn't be stressed. If he leaves me I'm screwed. It's his house and I have no family to speak of.


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## lostnlonely (Mar 11, 2017)

He went for Robbery. he actually didn't do it. I can say it because he was with me at the time. His friend said he was with him and the son of the victim hated my husband at the time and backed up the story. He decided to take a deal instead of taking it to trail because the DA wouldn't accept me as an alibi because I was his girlfriend and it was 2 against 1.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lostnlonely said:


> Basically non he makes over 100k a year. I just started my job a week ago and only stand to make about 20 before taxes. I just wanted to help out with the bills so he wouldn't be stressed. If he leaves me I'm screwed. It's his house and I have no family to speak of.


Why is it his house?

Do the two of you have joint accounts?


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## lostnlonely (Mar 11, 2017)

The way we went about purchasing the house I was unable to go on the paperwork. I was on it originally however the lawyer said that since we are not married and I am not taking out the loan with him that I cannot go on the paperwork. I wasn't working at the time because we had had our second daughter. We don't have joint bank accounts because we never saw the point. I had my own and he had his. Which is crazy now that I think about it because I handle everything with the hours and bill financially. He just pays for it all.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I couldn't tell you if you cheated or not. I find it difficult to believe anyone these days. You say he cheated. Should I believe that? I don't know. 

Let's take this hypothetically.

Scenario 1: He cheated. You didn't.

Tell him you want a divorce. Start the 180. See an attorney.


Scenario 2: You cheated. He didn't.

I'd tell him the same as you.


Scenario 3: You both cheated.

If anyone is unhappy enough to cheat, they should get out.


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## curious234 (Jan 28, 2017)

Sorry you feel sad and neglected. I think you can do much better without this a'hole of a husband. It seems you have been for all practical purposes on your own during most of your relationship with him. I think he is doing something with that woman and is using your honesty as a ruse to validate his actions. Better to get someone to check on it soon. I think money is not a problem. You are a strong woman and he need to support you and kids if this result in a separation eventually. From what you say it would not make much difference to you and even it will have some positive effects on you. Better to get your loved ones involved and a likelihood of a separation if this goes on will end his cockiness and shock him to his senses.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lostnlonely said:


> The way we went about purchasing the house I was unable to go on the paperwork. I was on it originally however the lawyer said that since we are not married and I am not taking out the loan with him that I cannot go on the paperwork. I wasn't working at the time because we had had our second daughter. We don't have joint bank accounts because we never saw the point. I had my own and he had his. Which is crazy now that I think about it because I handle everything with the hours and bill financially. He just pays for it all.


A lot of this depends on your state. You might have a claim to a portion of the equity in the house.

If you divorce, he will be paying you child support.

Have you considered going back to school to get some job skills that pay a decent wage? Even a vocational track for something like xray tech.... or some thing else that interests you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are your children around when he is accusing you of cheating, calling you a *****, saying he wants a divorce and otherwise disparaging you?


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## lostnlonely (Mar 11, 2017)

Sometimes they are around but out of ear shot. He will act as if nothing is wrong but sometimes he explodes and Ifear they hear him. when I tell him to keep it down he gets more upset and says he doesn't give a you know what. Or he does care about what i'm saying. He is now accusing me of the kids not being his.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lostnlonely said:


> Sometimes they are around but out of ear shot. He will act as if nothing is wrong but sometimes he explodes and Ifear they hear him. when I tell him to keep it down he gets more upset and says he doesn't give a you know what. Or he does care about what i'm saying. He is now accusing me of the kids not being his.


Well that’s a great thing for the kids to hear.

Does he ever bang on things (like walls and furniture), throw things, break things, garb you in anger, twist your arms, hit you, etc?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

If there is any chance can you go back and put paragraphs in your original post? It was extremely hard to follow and confusing. I think you will get a lot more help if it is more readable.


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## lostnlonely (Mar 11, 2017)

I have considered that. I was looking for medical assistant as well as a phlebotomist training course. Problem is they cost money and I don't have any. It's all his. I can't afford to quit my current job because if he puts me out I would need some type of money. he Literally just stormed in here and yelled at me about buying Diapers with his money for a kid he doesn't know is his. I don't know where that question even came from. I have nobody to talk to and find that this forum has been my only sense of relief. I haven't eaten in days because i'm so anxious about what is going to happen. It pains me to watch my kids play like their family isn't falling apart. I feel so helpless because I didn't do anything to deserve this. I'm not saying all woe is me but it's really hard to deal with him treating me this way when I have been nothing but a loving and devoted wife to him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I have no idea why you stared with him for so long.


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## lostnlonely (Mar 11, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I have no idea why you stared with him for so long.


Because I love him Diane7. I know it's stupid but when he isn't acting like a total nutcase he is a great man.


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## lostnlonely (Mar 11, 2017)

No he is just generally loud. Never touches me unless I block him from walking away then he will bulldoze through me or push me out of the way. He has thrown things but never directly at me. I honestly think that he has emotional issues and need to speak with someone on how to handle his feelings but I'm not a doctor. I could be wrong. If I even suggest that too him he calls me crazy and says that's never going to happen.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lostnlonely said:


> he Literally just stormed in here and yelled at me about buying Diapers with his money for a kid he doesn't know is his. I don't know where that question even came from.


The question came from within him. It’s probably a combination of him trying to justify cheating, him needing an excuse to leave you and justifying that he’s just plain not happy with his life. So he is miserable and he wants to you be just as miserable as he is.


If you know 100% that no other man could be the bio-father of your children, this is crazy. He is most likely talking to others about his accusations of you cheating. It’s typical these days for people to immediately arrive at the conclusion that the children are not his. I would suspect that those his buddies are telling him this all the time.


Have you told him to do a DNA test on the children? Tell him that the test kits can be purchased at any pharmacy, like Walgreens. He can go get one for each of the kids and send the tests in. Tell him to do that. And that since it’s so darn easy for him to verify that he is the father of your two children, you don’t want to hear those accusations anymore. Also, make sure that the results come to you as well so you can see them.


Seriously, you are coming off as though you have no power in this marriage. You do but you are advocating all of it to him. So, start taking back your power.


Here is an idea, to avoid a verbal fight that the kids can hear, text him something like the following:


“Since you are the only man I have had sex with since you and I have been together, I know for a fact that you are the father of our two children. Apparently, you need to verify this. So please go to Walgreens and buy two paternity kit tests and have their DNA checked against yours. Since it is so easy and inexpensive for you to verify that you are indeed their biological father, I don’t ever again want to hear you accuse me of them not being your biological children. NEVERE AGAIN.”



lostnlonely said:


> I have considered that. I was looking for medical assistant as well as a phlebotomist training course. Problem is they cost money and I don't have any. It's all his. I can't afford to quit my current job because if he puts me out I would need some type of money.


He cannot “put you out”. It does not matter if the house belongs to him. It’s your marital home, the home of your children and your legal residence. He would have to file for divorce and ask the court to kick you and the children out of the home. But no court will do that. You will be able to live in the house until the divorce is final.


I can guess why he has not filed for divorce yet. Because he knows that he will have to pay you interim spousal support and child support until the divorce is final. It can take quite a while (1-2 years for a divorce to be final). Then after the divorce he will have to pay you child support.


If you are in school, you might get the court to order him to pay you rehabilitative spousal support until your program is finished. I assume that it’s a few months to 2-year program.


lostnlonely said:


> I haven't eaten in days because i'm so anxious about what is going to happen. It pains me to watch my kids play like their family isn't falling apart. I feel so helpless because I didn't do anything to deserve this. I'm not saying all woe is me but it's really hard to deal with him treating me this way when I have been nothing but a loving and devoted wife to him.


You say that he is a good father. From what you have said, I disagree. He’s not a good father. A good father treats the mother of his children with respect and love. A good father does not create a hateful, stressful environment for his children to have to live in. Your children would be better off without all this stress in their lives.


What state do you live in? I think you need to know the laws in your state and what you can do to protect yourself and your children. If you share your state, we can help you find some useful info.


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## lostnlonely (Mar 11, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> A lot of this depends on your state. You might have a claim to a portion of the equity in the house.
> 
> If you divorce, he will be paying you child support.
> 
> Have you considered going back to school to get some job skills that pay a decent wage? Even a vocational track for something like xray tech.... or some thing else that interests you?


I have looked in to it. I have been trying to do that for a while now. At least a year. It cost money to do those things and he most certainly is not going to help. I was a stay at home mother because we both don't trust other people to watch our children. I was ok with a baby sitter but he refused. When I went back to work before he called and text me all day saying the baby kept him up and he has to go to work ect ect. So after a few weeks of that I had to quit. I was worried about the same thing happening this time but he has been mad at me since the day I started working so he just ignores me unless it's to yell at me or fight with me fore being a cheating *****


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lostnlonely said:


> Because I love him Diane7. I know it's stupid but when he isn't acting like a total nutcase he is a great man.


You need to sit back and think about this. A person is only as good as the worst things that they do. 

Even the worst people among us can act nice when they want to. Look at Bundy. Most people who knew him said he was a nice person.

You are seeing the core of the man you married know. This is what he is really like. 

Are you aware of the term “Cycle of Abuse”? Look it up. All abusers are nice most of the time. They behave in a cycle where they only blow up and abuse some times.

Usually an abuser starts out acting like a good person at first and as time goes on they slowly escalate to what you have now. The fact that the throws things means that he is capable of violence. The message is “This time I’m hurting things. Be careful and don’t get me angry because next time I just might throw you around.”


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## lostnlonely (Mar 11, 2017)

Words I can handle. They hurt but for the most part I can ignore them. Sticks and stones and all that however, If he ever put his hands on me. I would have him kicked out and sue for full custody because a physically abusive man cannot be trusted. I Live in ny and I have tried to do a little research on what will happen if he puts me out and I know that I can petition the court to have him removed for domestic violence and he would have to keep paying the bills. So he wants to divorce me then there is nothing I can do about that but if he ever put his hands on me I would go after him for everything he has built and take it away from him the same way he is trying to do to me. I'm not a weak woman who just takes my husbands emotional abuse. I make excuses for it and i'm starting to see the error of my ways in that department. I just don't want to tear my family apart because he insist on acting like an ahole.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lostnlonely said:


> I have looked in to it. I have been trying to do that for a while now. At least a year. It cost money to do those things and he most certainly is not going to help.


Yes it costs money to go to school. If the two of you divorce, you can get Pel Grants, financial aid and student loans. With his income you should be able to get student loans. 

Is there a state run community college near you? We have one here. Their tuition is very low and their programs are extremely good. 

If he is talking about divorcing, then you might be able to explain to him that if he will help you with going to school, then you will be earning more, and so he will be paying you less child support. Maybe that will get him to understand that HE needs for you to be able to earn more.


lostnlonely said:


> I was a stay at home mother because we both don't trust other people to watch our children. I was ok with a baby sitter but he refused. When I went back to work before he called and text me all day saying the baby kept him up and he has to go to work ect ect. So after a few weeks of that I had to quit. I was worried about the same thing happening this time but he has been mad at me since the day I started working so he just ignores me unless it's to yell at me or fight with me fore being a cheating *****


Does he sleep during the day?
If he refuses to act like a married man and have his income in a joint account then he is creating this problem. Too bad for him that he cannot get reset when he sleeps during the day. That’s called having children. It’s not our responsibility to quit your job so he can sleep all day. Not when he’s being abusive of you.

Now that you are working, who is taking care of your children when you are at work?

What he is doing in withholding finances from you is a forum of domestic abuse. By law, his income is marital income. You should have as much access to it as he does. The two of you should be agreeing to how that money is spent. Him yelling at you for buying diapers is beyond ridiculous.


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## lostnlonely (Mar 11, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Yes it costs money to go to school. If the two of you divorce, you can get Pel Grants, financial aid and student loans. With his income you should be able to get student loans.
> 
> Is there a state run community college near you? We have one here. Their tuition is very low and their programs are extremely good.
> 
> ...


I'm definitely going to look in to grants ect. I work from 8 to 4 and he works over night. He watches her during the day for now as he always has whenever I managed to get a job. The problem is after a week or two of it he gets sick of it and complains about it nonstop to the point where I have to quit. I only buy stuff for the house the kids and him. What I do buy for myself is needed. All other money is spent on bills. He complains I buy too much but I only buy what is needed with the rare time that I do spend on something random he is well aware of it or apart of it. He wasn't yelling at me for buying the diapers he was yelling because I did it with his money. Mind you I have only been working a week so I have not been paid yet and he knows that. It's crazy all week long he has been refusing to eat food I have bought or prepared (I normally cook every night and have a plate set up for him ready to go in the morning) So Since I haven't been eating I haven't cooked all week. Just the kids food and he has been bringing home takeout for himself. He come bursting in to my office demanding I go the burger king for him. Now he refused to eat food I cooked or paid for but now suddenly he wants me to make a food run for him. Normally when he acts this way he goes and gets everything himself or goes without just for the sake of not asking me or sticking it to me I guess I don't know what goes on in his head. Had it not been for my daughter hearing burger king and asking me can she have a pie I would have told him I wasn't going.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lostnlonely said:


> Words I can handle. They hurt but for the most part I can ignore them. Sticks and stones and all that however, If he ever put his hands on me. I would have him kicked out and sue for full custody because a physically abusive man cannot be trusted. I Live in ny and I have tried to do a little research on what will happen if he puts me out and I know that I can petition the court to have him removed for domestic violence and he would have to keep paying the bills. So he wants to divorce me then there is nothing I can do about that but if he ever put his hands on me I would go after him for everything he has built and take it away from him the same way he is trying to do to me. I'm not a weak woman who just takes my husbands emotional abuse. I make excuses for it and i'm starting to see the error of my ways in that department. I just don't want to tear my family apart because he insist on acting like an ahole.


Keep in mind that emotional abuse is as bad, and sometimes worse, than physical abuse. Why? Because it can destroy a person. 

You need to start asserting yourself so that he knows that you are not going to put up with his abuse. The bit about telling him to have DNA test the kids is, I would think, your first step. If you wanted to, you could put a stop to that nonsense in a heartbeat by telling him to do the DNA tests.

In NY he cannot kick you out of your home until a court order that states who gets the house. It’s not that you have to ask the court to let you stay. It’s that he cannot kick you out of your legal residence.

I’m going to post some info for you about a safety/exit plan for an abusive situation. It has a lot of good ideas of things that you need to be doing just in case he does file for divorce so that you are protected legally and financially.

Also, if this does go to divorce, you can ask to court to have him pay all your legal fees since he is the one who has access to the money.

Note in the below linked article, in NY, the court will take into consideration not only the length of time you were married but the length of time that the two of you have lived together before marriage.

Adultery in New York: Does Cheating Affect Alimony? | DivorceNet.com


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lostnlonely said:


> I'm definitely going to look in to grants ect. I work from 8 to 4 and he works over night. He watches her during the day for now as he always has whenever I managed to get a job. The problem is after a week or two of it he gets sick of it and complains about it nonstop to the point where I have to quit.


No, you do not have to quit. You choose to quit. You need to realize your own contribution to this problem.

Now it is true that he needs his sleep. I think most people would get very cranky with very little sleep. A good solution is to hire someone to watch your children in your home while your husband sleeps. That way he is there to keep an eye on things. 

What are his work hours? I’m trying to figure out what hours he is supposed to be sleeping.


lostnlonely said:


> I only buy stuff for the house the kids and him. What I do buy for myself is needed. All other money is spent on bills. He complains I buy too much but I only buy what is needed with the rare time that I do spend on something random he is well aware of it or apart of it. He wasn't yelling at me for buying the diapers he was yelling because I did it with his money. Mind you I have only been working a week so I have not been paid yet and he knows that.


I get that he was yelling at you for spending his money to buy diapers. And it’s insane that he would yell at you for that. Your kid needs diapers. He earns more than 5 times what you do. Who does he think has the money to buy diapers? He does. And it’s not HIS money. It’s marital income.



lostnlonely said:


> It's crazy all week long he has been refusing to eat food I have bought or prepared (I normally cook every night and have a plate set up for him ready to go in the morning) So Since I haven't been eating I haven't cooked all week. Just the kids food and he has been bringing home takeout for himself. He come bursting in to my office demanding I go the burger king for him. Now he refused to eat food I cooked or paid for but now suddenly he wants me to make a food run for him. Normally when he acts this way he goes and gets everything himself or goes without just for the sake of not asking me or sticking it to me I guess I don't know what goes on in his head. Had it not been for my daughter hearing burger king and asking me can she have a pie I would have told him I wasn't going.


Well I guess he got his way. Next time tell him to order pizza and have it delivered. If you child says she wants a pie, tell her that you are sorry but not this time.


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## lostnlonely (Mar 11, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Keep in mind that emotional abuse is as bad, and sometimes worse, than physical abuse. Why? Because it can destroy a person.
> 
> You need to start asserting yourself so that he knows that you are not going to put up with his abuse. The bit about telling him to have DNA test the kids is, I would think, your first step. If you wanted to, you could put a stop to that nonsense in a heartbeat by telling him to do the DNA tests.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the info I'm going to look it over right now. Yes I need a plan because I don't know what to do anymore. I am NOT perfect I stress this because he is always saying I think I'm perfect and that he doesn't put me on a pedestal anymore because i'm like every other lying *****, but I know I'm a good wife and mother and I don't deserve this and it hurts so bad because I'm numb and tense all the time. I can't even cry because I'm so numb. I can't wrap my mind around one emotion i'm feeling so many and he just keeps saying horrible things. If I hadn't have found this forum Idk what I would have done I just needed someone to talk to to try and get some of this out so I appreciate your time in talking to me and trying to help me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Below is a safety exist plan that I put together. You can look through all this and take what makes sense for you and make your own plan.....

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

* The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

*Get a support system: *



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Check on sites like Amazon for books about divorce in your state. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 
If you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to We are what we do | Meetup Search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.



*Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. *



If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:


your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

*Financial Plan*


Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.


*Your safety Plan: *

You need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand. 



Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.


*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship*


 *If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home: *


Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 


Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 


Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 


 *If you leave the family home: *


Do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights. You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

 
Here are some ways you can find out things about your finances and some about how you can start saving money in your own name. I’m not putting them on the open forum because I don’t want to tip off people who are abusers.

Some of this might sound crazy. But you are completely in the dark and these are ways that people I know, even I, got the info we needed so that our spouse could not rip us off in a divorce.

Check his wallet and get photographs of any cards and other info that he has in there to include his driver’s license. Make sure to save them somewhere that he cannot get to, like on the cloud.

If he has a brief case do the same thing to it. Do you have a scanner at home? If not get one. I have a small portable that’s easy to use. That’s all you need. Just scan everything in his briefcase into pdf or jpgs. And again keep that info in a cloud account.

If you do use a cloud account, make sure that it does not create an account on your PC that he could see. There is a way to prevent that.

Does he have a home office or a place at home where he works sometimes? If so search it (often). Check the trash.. (I found out all kinds of stuff about my husband by searching his trash. Like I found letters from his affair partner. That’s how I found out about one of his affairs. I also found receipts and statements showing that he was moving money that I earned into accounts and investments in his and his mother’s name. 

Another thing that you might want to try is to go through the trash from his business if you can get to it. Just snatch the bags of trash out of the trash bin into your car, take them some place where he will not see you go through it and search. I kid you not, you can find stuff.

Get a key to his car. Make one if you need to. Then search it often. Search every cranny. Again I found all kinds of info that way. My then husband was hiding papers in the well where the spare tire and tools go. When he traveled, I drove to the airport, found his car in long-term parking and searched it. He was using his car to hide things while he traveled.

Get online and order his credit report. It could lead to all kinds of info on accounts he has.

Search the court records for any law suits. If he has a business, it might have been sued and he might have had to disclose financial info. Here where I live there is a website for the state of New Mexico where we can search on a person’s name to find all court cases of any kind… to include if they were sued, arrested and charged, divorced, etc. I’m sure that New York has something similar.

If you have access to a computer that he uses, put a key stroke monitor on his computer. A very good one is Webwatcher. It captures every keystroke and takes screen shots. Then it sends the information to your account on their website. So you don’t even need to get on his computer after the software is installed. You will be able to get passwords, account numbers, etc. this way.

Make sure that you take an inventory of everything of value in your home. Take photos of everything. And do a walking inventory through the house. That way he cannot hide or dispose of things of value during a divorce.
=========================================
Now about money

Then open bank accounts in your name only. Use an address other than your home address. Also do electronic statements, etc. so that there is no paperwork for him to find. You can open a bank account with as little as $25.

If at all possible, every time you go to a store, get out cash. Even if it’s $10. I know a woman who did this. She’d get out between $40 and $60 with every purchase. It added up… to thousands over a few year period. Make sure that you throw away the receipts before you get home or keep them where he cannot find them. Do not put them in your home trash.

Go through your house and sell anything that you can. Just tell him that you are wanting to simplify your life and declutter. List things on craigslist and sell it. Put the money in your bank account.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> If at all possible, every time you go to a store, get out cash. Even if it’s $10. I know a woman who did this. She’d get out between $40 and $60 with every purchase. It added up… to thousands over a few year period. Make sure that you throw away the receipts before you get home or keep them where he cannot find them. Do not put them in your home trash.


There is always a garbage can near the door of the grocery store. I always throw my receipt away, because they just end up filling my pockets or my purse. If I need to return something, they already have my purchase on record at most places I shop since I use their store rewards cards. Anyway, if you get into the habit of doing this, if he ever asks you, you can give him the excuse of why I don't save receipts. Because they are trash and trash goes in the trash.


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## lostnlonely (Mar 11, 2017)

wow that is a lot to shift through. It is very detailed though and I have a good idea on a few of the things listed. Thank you so much.


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## lostnlonely (Mar 11, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> No, you do not have to quit. You choose to quit. You need to realize your own contribution to this problem.
> 
> Now it is true that he needs his sleep. I think most people would get very cranky with very little sleep. A good solution is to hire someone to watch your children in your home while your husband sleeps. That way he is there to keep an eye on things.
> 
> ...


he works from about 9 pm to 6 am. two hours of that is travel. I wanted to get a babysitter. he doesn't want someone else watching our kid until she is old enough to tell us is something is wrong. So even in home baby sitting was an issue


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lostnlonely said:


> Because I love him Diane7. I know it's stupid but when he isn't acting like a total nutcase he is a great man.


Sometimes loving someone keeps us and our children in a destructive and harmful situation. 
A great man doesn't act that way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lostnlonely said:


> he works from about 9 pm to 6 am. two hours of that is travel. I wanted to get a babysitter. he doesn't want someone else watching our kid until she is old enough to tell us is something is wrong. So even in home baby sitting was an issue


But somehow, his idea is that you have to live under his abusive thumb so that your child does not need to go to child care.

In home child care, while he is at home, means that he can keep an eye on the sitter. And there are things like nanny cams to help keep and eye on the sitter.

My take on it is that he does not want you working. He's a very jealous and controlling man. If you work, you have independence to some degree. He cannot deal with that.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> My take on it is that he does not want to working. He's a very jealous and controlling man. If you work, you have independence to some degree. He cannot deal with that.


I agree. He probably could not care less about who watches the children. What he really cares about is having you dependant upon him and thinking that he cares. He is doing these things to manipulate and control you, not because he loves any of you. This is not about love. It is about power and control.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

*Re: He wants to leave me for something that happened 12 years ago*



lostnlonely said:


> I need help on what to do with my marriage. this is going to be a long one as i'm going to be completely honest and give the entire back story. I love my husband and have been with him for 16 years married for only 1. When we were younger about 17 and 20 years old he went to prison for 3 years. I promised that I'd wait for him and I did. I wrote him everyday for the first two years and about every week or so during the third year ( My life had become busy and I was working crazy hours as a waitress to save enough money for us to have a place by the time he got out that following year) During this time I made friends at my new job which was a relief because I had been totally alone during the first two years.
> 
> I had cut everyone off and was severely depressed from missing him even though I saw him every two weeks. During the last year my friends consisted of a female and a male. Now the male I was comfortable with because I had no reason to think he wanted me in that way. So one day he offered to pick me up for work and I said sure that would be nice (since it saved me $6 on a cab) The day he came to pick me up I told him wait here and went to get ready. He came up stairs and started talking to me about normal non sense then out of no where he kissed me. I never ever led him on. When he realized It was not a mutual feeling he apologized and I accepted ( Now I feel I should have throw him out) so we left and went to work.
> 
> ...



Pack his ****, put it on the porch, call police if need be, file for divorce and move forward.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

elegirl said:


> below is a safety exist plan that i put together. You can look through all this and take what makes sense for you and make your own plan.....
> 
> Call 911 and they will help you get away.
> 
> ...



do not take children without notifying the court you can and will be charged with parental kidnapping in most states now. Work with police document the abuse and make sure that the court police and prosecution are working with you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DepressedHusband said:


> do not take children without notifying the court you can and will be charged with parental kidnapping in most states now. Work with police document the abuse and make sure that the court police and prosecution are working with you.


This is absolutely correct.

If she gets help from a domestic abuse/violence organization, they will help her get all of this in place.

If she gets help from a domestic abuse/violence organization, they will help her get all of this in place.

ETA: if there is a crisis and she is leaving the home to escape violence, she can leave with the children. Then she needs to call 911 and tell them.

It is a problem if she moves out and takes the children without his permission.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It is highly likely that the reason he has escalated is that he is or has cheated on you.

Do not quit your job. You will need your job.

Please contact a domestic violence service immediately. You may not feel that you qualify, because he has not physically harmed you, but what you are experiencing is a form of violence. He is attempting to trap you and make you so afraid that you will do whatever he says. Everything that he is telling you is dependant upon you doing what he says. If you make an escape plan and follow through, all that he has planned will mean nothing and you will be free of his abuse. However, like others have said, all of this must be documented and run through the courts. Once that happens, he doesn't have a leg to stand on.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

P.S. None of this has anything to do with him thinking that you cheated on him. That is simply a manipulation tool he is using to control you and make you defend yourself. You have fallen into his trap. It's all smoke and mirrors. You can escape this hell you are living in, but do not attempt it alone and do not attempt it before you have a plan in place with the force of the law behind you. If he becomes physically violent in any way, shape, or form, run and call 911.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CynthiaDe said:


> It is highly likely that the reason he has escalated is that he is or has cheated on you.
> 
> Do not quit your job. You will need your job.
> 
> Please contact a domestic violence service immediately. You may not feel that you qualify, because he has not physically harmed you, but what you are experiencing is a form of violence. He is attempting to trap you and make you so afraid that you will do whatever he says. Everything that he is telling you is dependant upon you doing what he says. If you make an escape plan and follow through, all that he has planned will mean nothing and you will be free of his abuse. However, like others have said, all of this must be documented and run through the courts. Once that happens, he doesn't have a leg to stand on.


Domestic abuse/violence organizations recognize that signs of verbal/emotional abuse and take it very seriously. 

Besides all the emotional/verbal abuse, he has been throwing this. That is domestic violence because is is a threat of physical violence.

Plus him withholding money from her is a very serious form of domestic abuse that is considered very close to violence because it keeps her from being able to leave if she feels she is in danger physically and/or emotionally.

She should have no problem getting help.


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## Inquisitive1 (Feb 17, 2017)

*Re: He wants to leave me for something that happened 12 years ago*

Sounds like now that he's got money in his pockets he wants to be carefree and single without the weight of kids and a wife. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Domestic abuse/violence organizations recognize that signs of verbal/emotional abuse and take it very seriously.
> 
> Besides all the emotional/verbal abuse, he has been throwing this. That is domestic violence because is is a threat of physical violence.
> 
> ...


Not everything is domestic abuse, and saying mean things occasionally and even being irate is not domestic abuse. There are 2 sides to every story.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

lostnlonely said:


> Because I love him Diane7. I know it's stupid but when he isn't acting like a total nutcase he is a great man.


It's not stupid that you love him. It is perfectly normal for you to love him. You have been with him for a long time and you have two children with him. However, that should not stop you from doing what is best for yourself and your children. You are being abused by the man you love. I know that's heartbreaking. It should be heartbreaking, but he should not be breaking your heart and scaring you. That is not loving behavior. It is abusive. Enabling him to continue abusing you (and your children by putting them in fear as well) is not healthy for you, your husband, or your children.



DepressedHusband said:


> Not everything is domestic abuse, and saying mean things occasionally and even being irate is not domestic abuse. There are 2 sides to every story.


A fearful woman who is in love with her husband and the mother of an infant or toddler comes here and tells what is going on in her life and why she is afraid. Yes, there are two sides to every story. In this case it would be the story of the abused and the abuser. There are several reasons why I would chose to believe her over whatever story he comes up with.

Are you suggesting that a woman who is obviously afraid and feeling trapped by an angry, abusive man shouldn't get the help she needs?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DepressedHusband said:


> Not everything is domestic abuse, and saying mean things occasionally and even being irate is not domestic abuse. There are 2 sides to every story.


Of course not everything is domestic abuse. I'm not stupid.

Of course there are two sides to every story. Again I'm not stupid.

Here on TAM, we go by what a person tells us.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is to get a person to seek outside help in their real life. Then professionals who know the OP and hopefully her husband can assess the situation.


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## lostnlonely (Mar 11, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Of course not everything is domestic abuse. I'm not stupid.
> 
> Of course there are two sides to every story. Again I'm not stupid.
> 
> ...


Me going to counseling is not a horrible idea as I feel I have a lot I need to get out and no where t put it.. I'm not afraid of my husband in the sense that he will hurt me physically. I'm just afraid of losing the life I built. Honestly if he would let this go and get some help for controlling his anger we would be fine. He isn't always like this but when it gets like this its bad this is by far the worse I have ever seen him and it's becoming more frequent. Before it was like 1 time ever few months now it's like it can happen this week he gets over it and he is back on it next week. I asked him today what is it about our life that has him feeling like he wants to end our marriage and break up our family. He said that this reason I mentioned in my post is the only reason because he can't let it go and won't be married to a dumb b and cheating *****. It was like being slapped in the face.

I tried to talk to him about it he said that it is over and he is done so I left it alone and went about my day avoiding him around the house. He randomly starts talking as I walk by saying you know what gets me... and he goes in to it again. So I try to tell him why I reacted they way I did and my mindset at the time so he could hear my side for the millionth time and before I got 5 words out he was interrupting me and forcing his opinion of how I should have handled it down my throat. I already told him that if we wasn't going to listen to me and look at it objectively based on my normal behavior and how I act everyday that there is no point talking about it. He cursed me out said we were done and he is over it and won't bring it up again, then he left for work. So I went back to doing my normal nightly routine to keep myself from getting upset in front of the kids. He then calls me 20 minutes later wanting to talk about it again.

which only ended in him calling me a B and I have had enough for one night so I hung up on him and he hasn't called me back yet so I hope that is all for tonight and he doesn't call me at 4 am. I just don't understand what he is expecting or even wants. He won't listen to me he is only interested in his opinion of how I should have reacted or what I should have done and calls me stupid for not doing it. How can he know how "Stupid" I apparently am if he never lets me speak.


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## lostnlonely (Mar 11, 2017)

CynthiaDe said:


> It is highly likely that the reason he has escalated is that he is or has cheated on you.
> 
> Do not quit your job. You will need your job.
> 
> Please contact a domestic violence service immediately. You may not feel that you qualify, because he has not physically harmed you, but what you are experiencing is a form of violence. He is attempting to trap you and make you so afraid that you will do whatever he says. Everything that he is telling you is dependant upon you doing what he says. If you make an escape plan and follow through, all that he has planned will mean nothing and you will be free of his abuse. However, like others have said, all of this must be documented and run through the courts. Once that happens, he doesn't have a leg to stand on.


If I do that right now it would be all out warfare. I am not ready yet I have nothing. He keeps saying that I'm going to end up in a women's shelter because I can't support myself nor will I find a job to pay bills and support two kids. He said that my life is about to turn in to S real quick and that this is all my fault. I'm more terrified that he is right than anything else. I don't want my kids to have to go through that but I can't leave them with him he will try to keep them from me out of spite or worse get some random broad he finds to help take care of them. I don't know what he is capable of at this point. I don't want to drag them down with me but I can't leave them here with him. This is becoming a little too intense for me. he has never been this bad before.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lostnlonely said:


> If I do that right now it would be all out warfare.


What is it that if you do it, it would be all out warfare?


lostnlonely said:


> I am not ready yet I have nothing. He keeps saying that I'm going to end up in a women's shelter because I can't support myself nor will I find a job to pay bills and support two kids. He said that my life is about to turn in to S real quick and that this is all my fault. I'm more terrified that he is right than anything else. I don't want my kids to have to go through that but I can't leave them with him he will try to keep them from me out of spite or worse get some random broad he finds to help take care of them. I don't know what he is capable of at this point. I don't want to drag them down with me but I can't leave them here with him. This is becoming a little too intense for me. he has never been this bad before.


It sounds to me like he’s planning on divorcing you and is keeping the details quiet until he has you served. You need to see an attorney ASAP to get ahead of him. You don’t need to file. I just mean you need to know what to do to protect yourself and your children. You need to learn your rights. I cannot say that enough to you.

If either one of you files for divorce, he is going to have to support you and the children until the divorce is final. Since you have been together for so long, you can ask for rehabilitative spousal support for some period so you can get training that will allow you to earn more.

He is sounding scary to me. Seriously. This is getting to be more than someone just saying some mean stuff occasionally.

Please get into counseling at a domestic abuse/violence organization. They will help you know what you can do.

Did you suggest to him that he have the kids DNA tested?


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Of course not everything is domestic abuse. I'm not stupid.
> 
> Of course there are two sides to every story. Again I'm not stupid.
> 
> ...


I read your post and it reeks of, everything is the other persons fault. She could be needling the **** out of her husband causing him to act out, withholding sex, etc etc etc. I have spent a ungodly amount of time in family court with friends testifying etc, I will say this, Women are more guilty of abuse in the marriage then most people would ever be willing to admit.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

DepressedHusband said:


> I read your post and it reeks of, everything is the other persons fault. She could be needling the **** out of her husband causing him to act out, withholding sex, etc etc etc. I have spent a ungodly amount of time in family court with friends testifying etc, I will say this, Women are more guilty of abuse in the marriage then most people would ever be willing to admit.


There is no excuse for following her around calling her names and accusing her of cheating. That is abusive. Threatening her with destitution. That is abusive. I don't care of she pissed on his pillow. There is no excuse for his behavior. If she were doing something terrible to him (like pissing on his pillow), there are non-abusive ways of handling the situation.

If you think there is a valid reason for a husband to treat his wife the way that this woman is being treated, it is likely that you should take a good long look in the mirror and consider your wife's complaints rather than dismissing them and blaming her for all your problems.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DepressedHusband said:


> I read your post and it reeks of, everything is the other persons fault. She could be needling the **** out of her husband causing him to act out, withholding sex, etc etc etc. I have spent a ungodly amount of time in family court with friends testifying etc, I will say this, Women are more guilty of abuse in the marriage then most people would ever be willing to admit.


I am quite aware that women can be abusive in relationships. I've seen it often. Just as I've seen the other way around as well. 

No, she cannot cause her husband to act out in the way she describes his actions. He is an adult human. He has 100% control over his actions. There is no excuse for the behavior of his that she describes.


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## lostnlonely (Mar 11, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> What is it that if you do it, it would be all out warfare?
> 
> It sounds to me like he’s planning on divorcing you and is keeping the details quiet until he has you served. You need to see an attorney ASAP to get ahead of him. You don’t need to file. I just mean you need to know what to do to protect yourself and your children. You need to learn your rights. I cannot say that enough to you.
> 
> ...


Yes I suggested it to him. He said he is going to and that was that. He is scary. He has been worse and worse to me as the days go by. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. What's distressing most to me is that this came out of no where to me. He claims he hasn't been happy for a while because he can't get over what I did but I mean nobody waits 10 years for revenge. When He called me a ***** I pointed out to him that I wasn't a ***** when I was supporting him through prison. He exploded about me throwing it in his face. I was only trying to state that emotionally I was there for him the entire time and he acts like it means nothing to him. He says i'm a horrible person and a liar among other choice words and I just don't see how he can think that of me when he knows the type of person I am. I'm not perfect but to him I tried to be and he acts as if I'm a street walker behind his back.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Going to get help and to figure out a plan is not going to make things worse. He will not know that yo are seeking help until you are ready and able to move into a better/safer situation.


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## lostnlonely (Mar 11, 2017)

CynthiaDe said:


> Going to get help and to figure out a plan is not going to make things worse. He will not know that yo are seeking help until you are ready and able to move into a better/safer situation.


I can't take the kids with me for obvious reasons and if I'm not going to work he will wonder where I am going and why the kids can't come with me. I normally take them with me everywhere i got. he will think or accuse me of cheating on him and get worse in behavior or think im seeing lawyers behind his back an jump in to action that much sooner. Thats why Im afraid and feel trapped. that is why he has all the power. He will assume the worse and react


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

lostnlonely said:


> I can't take the kids with me for obvious reasons and if I'm not going to work he will wonder where I am going and why the kids can't come with me. I normally take them with me everywhere i got. he will think or accuse me of cheating on him and get worse in behavior or think im seeing lawyers behind his back an jump in to action that much sooner. Thats why Im afraid and feel trapped. that is why he has all the power. He will assume the worse and react


I'm not following you. It's not obvious to me why you can't take the children with you. Please explain.


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