# Should I give up?



## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

Hello all

I decided to write a post about my problem hoping someone will give me some good advice. I am so depressed that I cannot even think.

Here is my story. Late last year, my wife (23 yo) left me with our son who is now 2 yo. The reasons she left are many. here are a few major once. 

I suffered from severe anxiety and depression from my childhood. In my mid 20's I thought I was cured and started working, planning my future and so on. I met my wife and we got engaged and then 12 months later got married. We were married for 3 years. However, since our child was born my illness returned. Probably from a lot of stress. That resulted in financial crisis, daily verbal fights and for me (severe sexual dysfunctions).

When she left, we met up within 3 days on her request to make an agreement for the child, which we did. We decided that the baby be weekends with me and weekdays with her, with unlimited visits from either parent anytime.

*Since we were in deep love with each other, we also made a deal that I get a job, save some money and we would get back together* This would take upto 6 months. It was November when she left.

Then things were fine. We text messaged each other 10 times a day, she called me a few times a day, it was just beautifull, it seemed as we just took a break. *I must say that she hid from her family about our plan because her family told her if she ever returns, she has lost them.* But my wife said, we will convince them to accept our marriage again.

New year's eve came. She wanted to go to a party (traditional party where people from our culture go, because we are immigrants) and I bought her a beautifull dress $200, a $50 purse and some other stuff. I know this is not expensive but considering my financial situation......

I also gave her around $1,200 for the baby and her. I took the baby for the first time overnight. Well the next day my wife didn't phone me. Day after I phoned her and she said she has to work and asked if i could babysit our child. I said OK.

*From that day until today, the child is still with me. She only took him 3-4 weekends.*

So to make it as short as possible, after new year, she called me less and less until eventually she called me 2 times a week. I asked what is the problem, she said her family found out about our plan and is controlling her. i asked is she still holding to our deal to get back together, she said of course.

One night i had to rush our baby to ER. I phoned her and she said she will be there. She came with her mom and sister. Later I had to go back home to pick up some medications for the child so she ended up going in my car. We talked. She said she loves me, kissed me etc. When I asked her to see her phone contacts she refused.

Later she agreed to show me after I promised to forgive and I saw a few contacts. They were all from oversees including the singer who sang that night for new year. I told her to choose them or me. She promised to delete them all. Soon after she even cancelled her cellphone.

Then 2 weeks ago, we went out, and I think she went out with me only to ask for money.She told me that her family put pressure on her, she has to pay some credit cards that I spent with her and her family is making her to hate me. She also admitted that that she has less love for me and is not feeling about coming back to me anymore.

But after we talked she promised again to come back and keep in touch more often and we even slept together that day. 

But since then she never called. Maybe once to ask for the child.

1 week ago I had an argument with her over the phone and she said "you haven't change a bit" and also said she wouldn't return to me. 

From that day on I am losing hope. I feel more depressed than ever, my anxiety is very severe and I cry a few times a day.

What should I do? Should I fight for her and how?

Maybe she has someone else. Maybe it is her family the real reason. Maybe she just had a change of heart. I know she still feels something for me I was her first love, but is that enough?

She could phone me from work if she is scared from her family to call me from the house. but she never did.

We haven't talk for almost a week now. If I tell her I love her and so on, she may say she love me to but that doesn't change her behaviour.

I am starting to accept that she will never come back whatever the reason may be. 

On the other hand I also feel not to give up in trying to win her back.

I am scared she might take the child from me. Once she don't need a babysitter she could easily say lets go to court and courts usually give custody to mothers. I have no problem with that because every child needs a mom but I love my son too and I too, need to watch him grow. Weekends is enough for me but I fear she may get married far away and take him with her. My anxiety makes me worry more than I should.

Sorry for such a long post.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

So sorry you are going thru all of this. Your situation does get complicated. First, you really need to see a lawyer regarding child custody. Next, you need to see a counselor regarding your depression and anxiety. You wouldn't want those issues to go against you in deciding child custody. As I've said many times, you can't control another person's heart. You can work on yourself and make a better place for you and your son.


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## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

827Aug said:


> So sorry you are going thru all of this. Your situation does get complicated. First, you really need to see a lawyer regarding child custody. Next, you need to see a counselor regarding your depression and anxiety. You wouldn't want those issues to go against you in deciding child custody. As I've said many times, you can't control another person's heart. You can work on yourself and make a better place for you and your son.


Thanks for reply 827Aug

I am not sure about lawyer because I am hoping she will return to me. (could be a costly mistake I know) 

But I told her I want legalize our agreement so it means to go to a lawyer and sign a seperation agreement. Then send that agreement to a court to have it finalized. She said she will work along with me on this one.I hope this will work and I hope she and her family will not ruin this agreement.

However, if they ruin it then it means I have to get a lawyer and file for child custody. I do not want even to think about full custody because I want my child to have a mother. Even in court I will ask only for weekends and unlimited visitation, unless of course she wouldn't want the child but I know she loves him more than anything.

*Now, if we go through court and start fighting for the child, does the fact that the child has been with me over 3 month and only a month with her since we seperated, matter and make any difference? I have been a sole caretaker of him and took care of him, took him to doctors, buying him all the needs and so on. She is working and I am not. She wants to get medical benefits for her and him and that would be her advantage.
*
I am getting treated for my anxiety and that would not be a factor if it comes to court.

PS. I know no one can control no one's heart but I hoped someone's heart could be changed. Maybe I'm wrong.


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