# finding out



## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

i'm new here and got some good advice.just wondering how you other post found out your spouse was cheating ?


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

for me it was a combo of facebook and twitter.gotta love social network.also got the cell phone bills.btw if you could see what the text say on the phone bill, im sure that would be very very interesting


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

purely accidental- went to see if my wife had sent an email to my son's teacher and she never thought to delete her outgoing messages, good thing she is so bad at computers- I caught it in only 2.5 weeks of an affair

(I was gaslighted for 2 days but I kept snooping and found phone records and facebook chats)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The first time was by total mistake. It was Valentine's Day and I was clearing out the internet history when I came upon a dating profile for him online where he had, that very day, sent out numerous message/banter to numerous women. 

The second time, he sat me down and told me he had sex with someone else several times. That hurt. 

The third time I found him, again, on dating sites. I confronted him and he admitted to being on 2 more of which I knew nothing about. See, he thought I was talking about one site, but in fact he revealed himself to be on more! Imagine his face when I told him "What are you talking about?" (That is 3 in total). When I showed him his dating ads he got flustered & said "Jelly, you are a very unhappy person." Um, ok. He also told me "I dont need the internet to meet b!tches."

I also, a long time after the fact, found out that the entire time we were in marriage counselling (after he'd finally agreed to go), he had been flirt/chatting wtih this chick on his FB, one of who always made me suspicious. He told me several times he would never remove her from his FB cause she was his "friend" and it would be "rude," essentially choosing her over our marriage. She had even sent him invites to parties saying "There will be lots of girls there! Bring your friend (his best guy friend)!" Who says that to someone on a public forum unless they think they are on the market?


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

i suspected her first ons after 2 days but didnt act on it for 2 months right after her second man.its amazing how much you can learn on a computer when you know how and where to look.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I'll go back years...living with a guy, he went on vacation with our roommated, and when he came back, there was women's stuff in his suitcase. I confronted, and of course, he denied. But when our idiot roommate had the photos developed (pre digital age) there were pics of the two of them with 2 girls. In one of the pics, my bf was making out with one of the girls.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

My wife sent a text msg to me that was intended for her AP. I realized what was happening, went home and got on her computer and dug up 3 months worth of EA emails and sexts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh gosh, Bandit. What did the text say?


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

She had left her Yahoo messenger open one day I was off work. Don't know why but I checked it. Found everything.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> My wife sent a text msg to me that was intended for her AP. I realized what was happening, went home and got on her computer and dug up 3 months worth of EA emails and sexts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That would be awful!!


My H was talking to my daughter about her xbf and made a simple comment jokingly ---"once a cheater always a cheater"---
and something went "ding" in my head.
The next day , I looked through our cell phone bill online,,found out about 2 women he was talking to.... but have a feeling there's been more, since our phone bill only goes back 1 year.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

My husband was working out of town, I made a surprise visit and found a woman and three kids with him. But that wasn't the only woman. Through FB, removing me from bank accounts after I confronted him and refusing to allow me the view cell phone records the pieces of the puzzle started coming into place. The confirmations have continued for the past 7 months.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What was his reaction when you found him with the OW, Lone?


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

His jaw dropped to the floor. He explained her away as someone he worked with that had just come by to drop something off that was left at the office. The next day he sent me packing, claimed that he had lost himself, was upset about a Christmas tree that was put up without him 20 years ago. Lots of other stupid reasons as to why he was lost. Total lies, but then there was another woman he was 'close friends' with, they 'hit it off' the first time they met. As time passed the 2nd woman was more in the picture and is still there. She is even friends with H's son from his first marriage and his sister that lived with him for a couple of months but now lives in another state. What are the odds that his son and sister would be friends with this woman if there was nothing going on? I demanded he cut ties with this woman and he flatly refused. I filed for a divorce.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear that. 

What did the OW do when you found them? Are they still together?

Was your divorce finalized already?


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

I read my wife's text messages to her friend after she came home really late from a "girls night out". Not sure really why I thought I needed to do that, but there was something in my gut that told me to look. 

Her last text to the friend was a detailed description of her encounter with the OM from the night before. I ended up waking her up at 4 AM to confront her. That text is still emblazened in my head.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I _knew_ something was very wrong for awhile but was heavily gaslighted. I felt responsible for the problems in our relationship. no one could believe she would do such a thing so people around us contributed to my gaslighting by making me question myself further...

I finally got tired of being treated like sh*t. She was always angry, nothing I seemed to do was making any difference and I got to the point I couldnt live with it. I said I wanted a divorce, she didnt fight back... after I asked for one, she snuck out and walked around the neighborhood to make calls. (OM obviously)... Something finally cracked in me, I wasnt going to dismiss it. She was cheating, I was going to find out exactly what was happening. 

That's when I found this place, and that's where the name Pit-of-my-Stomach came from, my password was "she's cheating"....


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Saw a SMS-header by accident saying "Hi sweetie" - actually that wasn't her AP, but it made me check her FB-messages. Here I found a dialogue with a friend saying "Went to see *name*. Have my period, so he will have to wait.... LOL". Made me check phone history and discovered huge amounts of texts for 9 months.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Jelly, when I walked in the OW1 and kids remained for about 20 minutes. H and his guests acted as if I wasn't even there. The OW2 I had lunch with her and my H. They too acted as if I wasn't even there. I confronted him after the lunch about what I witnessed. He apologized and blew me off. The lunch with OW2 was before OW1 discovery. With OW2 I have copies of FB posts made between them about partying and not being drunk enough and having to do the 'family thing' this weekend instead of being to party. I made my final demands, two days later I consulted an attorney and a month and a half after that I filed for divorce. I had to get some things in order in order to file. My H's sister and son have added OW2 to their FB over the last month but I'm to believe that nothing is going on. Removing me from bank accounts and refusing to turn over cell phone records says a lot but H claims he is not guilty of any wrong doing. What a crock of sh!t!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wow... I can't believe the OW1 stuck around. WTH?


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I know! It was the strangest feeling, I can't imagine what they were thinking. While I was there they made mention that they had been there before. My H said that OW1 had been sending him videos of the kids playing while he was at work waiting for him to get home. Who the hell admits this kind of stuff?


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## nj2012 (Feb 27, 2012)

The first thing I found were plane tickets in both their names on a trip that was taken 2 years ago. Once I figured out his various passwords, it snowballed. Phone records, bank statements,, various shopping sites, groupon, living social, etc. (with OW's address listed as the shipping address). Finally, I was able to get into his email account. It's funny because H will say he's happy to me and his family, but the emails show not all is happy in fantasyland.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh gosh, Bandit. What did the text say?


Started off innocent, just talking about the real estate symposium theyu had met at. Then progressed to life stories and about me and his wife. Then it progressed to firting and by December '11 they were sexting about meeting up at the end of January '12 and all the nasty things they were going to do to each other. Really X-rated stuff. By mid January she started talking smack about me, and lying to him about what a lousy husband I was. 

They had planned to meet in San Diego on Feb 3. I busted her on Jan 23 and told her to get out. She went ahead and flew to S.D. on Feb 3 to consummate their EA.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Suspected for years, even confronted more than once (no hard proof), finally after years, I get a phone call one evening from my grown daughter telling me that W was having a EAPA with an old boyfriend from college. My daughter suspected with all the very late night FB traffic and looked further. 

Wife comes clean on current affair, but denies anything else. With email, phone, gps records it is apparent that she had been cheating for years. W eventually breaks down emotionally and admits to years of cheating with multiple partners.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I was working from home and wife was at a sales meeting. I found a chat from earlier in the day still open. I read all the chat history and then found all the facebook messages. Later after confronting I found the hotel reciepts, pictures and hidden email accounts. I forgot to mention another phone on our cell account for that POS


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Gut, told me something was up for quite some time, talks, "no nothings wrong just a phase" & "your acting jealous/sucpucious for no reason"... keylogger time and there it is e-mails to coworker,
denied, denied, up to the actual proof.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

We both were in MC working on issues,I could tell she was'nt interested at all in fixing us,I knew there was someone, could'nt figure it out.I asked her quite a few times "is there someone else,why are you stinging me along?" She accused me of being paranoid,I knew better.After last MC session she wants to separate and "date" other people.Wanted to date her ex-hs bf,also a ex-con.I've had to hear about this jerk my whole marriage,how he was "innocent,a nice guy,good man"...Hes a f#cking dirtbag who wanted to use her.Kicking her out and taking her back made her see the light,yes she found him on fb.Guy is a liar,loser and a player,still dont get it,never will.Put me through months of hell.At least things are looking good now in our R,but Christ I did'nt think we (me) was going to pull through
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

For me it went down in the same type of fashion as all the other guys on here. It went according to the script. I don't know if the details even really matter, same result.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Now we're all walking battle scarred...


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

The guy I'm training at work right now just found out his wife is having a EA with old bf,trying to comfort him but it making me trigger bad...sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> My wife sent a text msg to me that was intended for her AP. I realized what was happening, went home and got on her computer and dug up 3 months worth of EA emails and sexts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


ouch! Sorry that happened to you. Did she come clean?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

RWB said:


> Suspected for years, even confronted more than once (no hard proof), finally after years, I get a phone call one evening from my grown daughter telling me that W was having a EAPA with an old boyfriend from college. My daughter suspected with all the very late night FB traffic and looked further.
> 
> Wife comes clean on current affair, but denies anything else. With email, phone, gps records it is apparent that she had been cheating for years. W eventually breaks down emotionally and admits to years of cheating with multiple partners.


Horrible. Sorry.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

H confessed and abandoned me all in one phone call.

Never doubted his faithfulness even though his chosen profession (long distance truck driver) is severely riddled with a plethora of carcasses of marriages and relationships. All our years H was most adamant about NEVER being tempted by Lot Lizards. Hhmphhh! Brings to mind the quote from Shakespeare..."Methinks thou dost protest too much!"


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> ouch! Sorry that happened to you. Did she come clean?


See above.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

My gut had been screaming at me since before Christmas '09 and her behavior had changed radically. All the affair signs, right down to the guarding the phone, finding her asleep in the living room in the morning, etc. Was talking to my buddy on the phone and he mentioned how our wives communicated by email.

So on a hunch, I entered my wife's work email account and lo and behold, another profile popped up. I didn't have the password at the time, but it was enough to start further investigation.

I then logged on to her regular account, and clicked on OM's name in the chat box. I pretended to be my fWW, and he started talking all kinds of lovey dovey stuff, so I knew for sure something was going on. With me pretending to be my fWW, he kepts asking me to call him, is the fat boy asleep?, calling me babe, etc. I lost it and confronted him and he quickly signed off. It was 4am in the morning, but I didn't care, I woke her ass up. I got the denials and the trickle truth, etc.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

D-day 1 was texts on my wife's cell phone. 
D-day 2 I got a phone call at work from OMW


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

She left the house and forgot to logoff her user account on our computer. I was in the process of login her off when I got curious and looked at the website she was viewing before she left. It was her photobucket account. Saw a bunch of photos of us, family, and some female friends of hers but then I noticed a video was among them. I open it up and got the mother of all heartbreaks. It was her and the OM having sex. The video was not of very high quality but it was sufficient enough that I could identify her as the woman in it. There she was, the woman I loved with all my heart and soul, the woman I would have never suspected of being capable of betraying me in such horrible way, was right in front of my eyes acting like a sex crazed maniac with a POSOM. Right there and then I knew that there was no way that our marriage could survive that. I filed for divorce and never looked back.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

sorry mori to hear your story. terrible. OMG!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Read Mori's threads.

He's my hero.


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

He was showing me something funny on his friend's Facebook wall when she messaged him. I could see the conversation before said something about last night being "weird". He closed it quickly and acted very suspiciously so I decided to check on it when he went to bed. Showed a long series of heavily flirtatious messages and then talk about "that kiss" in his truck. My heart shattered. 

After our R, I just had a bad feeling one day. I couldn't shake it or describe it. He had given me full phone/email/Facebook access but it was all clean. But I just knew something was off. I discovered by his Internet history that he had a secret email address and he (idiot) used the same password for it so I got a nice glimpse of all the dating (sex) websites he had signed up for. I don't know if he met anyone off it but he lied to me and then tried to shift blame to me and I knew i'd never trust him again. So here I am, separated and just waiting for the paperwork to go through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

My birthday, January '10. My girls were wanting to sing happy birthday to their daddy. I went in the kitchen to see a cake with no candles in it, no cards, presents or anything. My girls did make me cards and sang happy birthday while my wife sat in the livingroom on the phone. Looking back it could have been him she was talking to, I dunno. Never in our 15 year relationship had she been so cold towards me.

There was an argument that night and I got the first taste of a WS caught in the fog. She was explaining to me how she just wanted to feel loved and appreciated and how she was thinking of seperation and all of the routine chatter......So thinking it was me I tried everything I could to be a better man (or what she was wanting).

Fast forward 5 months later and she keep pushing me and pushing me to move out so she could "have some space." At some point I decided to go with that feeling in my gut and checked cell phone bill. Sure enough thousands of texts a month, more minutes and calls that I can count all to the same number, over and over again. I got a coworker to call the number from work and asked who he was, and he gave his first and last name.... He was my wife's kick boxing instructor at the YMCA. And right then and there my heart just felt like someone stuck a knife in it and twisted it over and over.

Just writing this brings back some bad feelings.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

the first time my ex was caught, i wasn't even in the united states.my mom went over to my house to check on my ex, and mom caught her polishing some guys knob,mom was seriously pizzed to this day i think she loved my ex more than me.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

movin on said:


> i'm new here and got some good advice.just wondering how you other post found out your spouse was cheating ?


Well I kinda knew and had asked the right questions but got smokescreened. Brain damaged after hypoxia and in this state of mind opened his seldom-used Outlook account on the old computer of his I'd started using after mine broke, thinking it was my Outlook account, and looking for his mom's email address since he asked me to email her specifically as he was deployed. 

Found an email he'd sent her the same day he'd typed a 'fake' one as a 'demo' and had emailed it to her to show me how he corresponded with her. I figured out that if she'd received the fake email and the real email the same day, that he would have either told her about the deceit and the reason for the extra 'fake/demo' email or that she would already have known why this happened or he could just talk to her about it in person to explain it.

Of course, he denied everything. So did she. 
Funny she was still denying it until I sent her H another email she'd sent my stbxh back in 2002, well before I was even back in the picture (he was single, she was married). I can easily see that I was a superfluous wife, selected to provide sexual and domestic benefits as well as lining his pockets and building home equity for him while he deployed (soldiers only gets housing benefits while deployed if married). Can we say, FRAUD? Of all kinds. 

By the time I left, I think he was realizing that he could have had it all, even better than what was on his own game plan. But, too late! I don't stay in marriages where people lie to me in order to use me for their own purposes. I prefer invitations to be part of someone's life, on the up and up.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Read Mori's threads.
> 
> He's my hero.


Sure don't feel like one


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Like Marvin Gaye,I heard threw the grapevine.Confronted her,she admitted,told her to kiss off and was on my way.


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## Okie (Jul 14, 2010)

On a family trip, woke up in the middle of the night. My phone was fully charged so I plugged hers in so it would be ready for the next day. Up pops the end of an inappropriate text stream. Took two months before I stumbled into this forum, and another month before I finally installed the Keylogger as I had been advised to from day one. Once I had the keylogger it took all of 1 day to give me enough proof to kill her EA.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Twistedheart said:


> My birthday, January '10. My girls were wanting to sing happy birthday to their daddy. I went in the kitchen to see a cake with no candles in it, no cards, presents or anything. My girls did make me cards and sang happy birthday while my wife sat in the livingroom on the phone. Looking back it could have been him she was talking to, I dunno. Never in our 15 year relationship had she been so cold towards me.
> 
> There was an argument that night and I got the first taste of a WS caught in the fog. She was explaining to me how she just wanted to feel loved and appreciated and how she was thinking of seperation and all of the routine chatter......So thinking it was me I tried everything I could to be a better man (or what she was wanting).
> 
> ...


Wow. I just read your story, you went totally Alpha on her, which she was not expecting. She went from planning this exit affair for months, being totally unremorseful and unrepentant, trying to kick you out of the house - to now she's willing to do anything to win you back. You fought and didn't give in to any of her demands and went nuclear with exposing the affair. 

:smthumbup:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> You fought and didn't give in to any of her demands and went nuclear with exposing the affair.


Yessss...

Twistedheart scored one of the great all-time victories in the war against infidelity! :smthumbup:


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Well, my discovery began with an errant text message I received from the STBXW. She was obviously in two text conversations; One with me and one with a girlfriend and screwed up. The rest of the pitiful story can be followed from the link in my signature. (not for the feint of heart)


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

12 years ago I found a log of sex talk on the computer by mistake. I thought at first one of my boys were gay, there was talk about sucking c*** and as I read there was talk about my wet p*****. I almost said something to my WS that I thought one of our boys was gay as she was in the room. I got a keylogger and got all the info I needed. It was all online with at least 4 guys.

2010 - WS was acting cold, distant, saying she needed space, etc. We were going out to use a hot tub and my WS left her computer on. She was taking a bath and I went on her computer and there were emails where she was begging the OM not to break up with her. They never used our joint email account before and for some reason they did that day. 

2011 - I knew right away from the previous year. She said, she needs space, got cold, I heard a cell phone ringing and knew she had a secret phone, I did not know it went PA. My youngest son put a tracking device on her car and she got caught lying about where she was. She said she was 30 miles away shopping at Walmart. I said it is funny that you are 30 miles away parked in an Amish church parking lot with W*****.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Twistedheart said:


> My birthday, January '10. My girls were wanting to sing happy birthday to their daddy. I went in the kitchen to see a cake with no candles in it, no cards, presents or anything. My girls did make me cards and sang happy birthday while my wife sat in the livingroom on the phone. Looking back it could have been him she was talking to, I dunno. Never in our 15 year relationship had she been so cold towards me.
> 
> There was an argument that night and I got the first taste of a WS caught in the fog. She was explaining to me how she just wanted to feel loved and appreciated and how she was thinking of seperation and all of the routine chatter......So thinking it was me I tried everything I could to be a better man (or what she was wanting).
> 
> ...


I still think he went into a save my family mode and could not see what his wife is. I din't think his wife is remorseful. He was too happy to her back.

I hope he won't be another struggling4ever


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> 12 years ago I found a log of sex talk on the computer by mistake. I thought at first one of my boys were gay, there was talk about sucking c*** and as I read there was talk about my wet p*****. I almost said something to my WS that I thought one of our boys was gay as she was in the room. I got a keylogger and got all the info I needed. It was all online with at least 4 guys.
> 
> 2010 - WS was acting cold, distant, saying she needed space, etc. We were going out to use a hot tub and my WS left her computer on. She was taking a bath and I went on her computer and there were emails where she was begging the OM not to break up with her. They never used our joint email account before and for some reason they did that day.
> 
> 2011 - I knew right away from the previous year. She said, she needs space, got cold, I heard a cell phone ringing and knew she had a secret phone, I did not know it went PA. My youngest son put a tracking device on her car and she got caught lying about where she was. She said she was 30 miles away shopping at Walmart. I said it is funny that you are 30 miles away parked in an Amish church parking lot with W*****.


Extremely difficult situation you're in. I mean, that's like three strikes, right? I would hope she's busting her ass to earn that shot at R.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> 12 years ago I found a log of sex talk on the computer by mistake. I thought at first one of my boys were gay, there was talk about sucking c*** and as I read there was talk about my wet p*****. I almost said something to my WS that I thought one of our boys was gay as she was in the room. I got a keylogger and got all the info I needed. It was all online with at least 4 guys.
> 
> 2010 - WS was acting cold, distant, saying she needed space, etc. We were going out to use a hot tub and my WS left her computer on. She was taking a bath and I went on her computer and there were emails where she was begging the OM not to break up with her. They never used our joint email account before and for some reason they did that day.
> 
> 2011 - I knew right away from the previous year. She said, she needs space, got cold, I heard a cell phone ringing and knew she had a secret phone, I did not know it went PA. My youngest son put a tracking device on her car and she got caught lying about where she was. She said she was 30 miles away shopping at Walmart. I said it is funny that you are 30 miles away parked in an Amish church parking lot with W*****.


I don't understand ? What is the point of her affairs? It is not that she is staying for the kids. it is not that she is in love with you. Is it that the OM wouldn't take or support her? So her only reasons are financial and stability reasons. What are hoping to achieve by reconciling ? Or what is she hoping by reconciling ?

I am also guessing that she will do it again.

Edit: just read your thread again. I think some part of you was very content when she grabbed your legs crying and begged you to R when you declared the intentions to divorce. It somehow satisfied your ego at that point. But is it a good long term decision?


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## Struggling4ever (Jan 9, 2012)

My wife had an affair 11 yrs ago. I found out when she went on a cruise with her sisters and I called the cruise line to send flowers. When they said my wife wasn't registered, they asked if she was registered under another name. A voice in my head had me blurt out my "so called best friends" name. And there she was, registered with him in his cabin. They would not give me the room, I left a message and she called me back crying....


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

morituri said:


> She left the house and forgot to logoff her user account on our computer. I was in the process of login her off when I got curious and looked at the website she was viewing before she left. It was her photobucket account. Saw a bunch of photos of us, family, and some female friends of hers but then I noticed a video was among them. I open it up and got the mother of all heartbreaks. It was her and the OM having sex. The video was not of very high quality but it was sufficient enough that I could identify her as the woman in it. There she was, the woman I loved with all my heart and soul, the woman I would have never suspected of being capable of betraying me in such horrible way, was right in front of my eyes acting like a sex crazed maniac with a POSOM. Right there and then I knew that there was no way that our marriage could survive that. I filed for divorce and never looked back.


Is there a better punishment than this to a loving husband?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Is there a better punishment than this to a loving husband?


No. That's why Mori's my hero. He came through that with his sanity intact and without going to prison for murder.

He's also one of the most intelligent, wise and lucid posters on this forum. When he writes, I read.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

I was in our walk-in closet when she came in from her shower, to get dressed. I noticed the passion mark on her neck, and I knew that I hadn't put it there. All downhill from there.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

river rat said:


> I was in our walk-in closet when she came in from her shower, to get dressed. I noticed the passion mark on her neck, and I knew that I hadn't put it there. All downhill from there.


That sucks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> purely accidental- went to see if my wife had sent an email to my son's teacher and she never thought to delete her outgoing messages


Similar story here - he forgot to log out of yahoo and I saw some suspicious usernames so I snooped and found his sent items indicating he had paid money to sex escort agencies.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Bandit, yeah, it pretty much sucks no matter how it happens.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It seems that we all share one thing in common with our cheating spouses, they all suffered a bad case of the stupids at the time of discovery.


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

I'd suspected for a few months that something was going on as he'd been visiting 'friends' and coming home late from work more than usual. Then he mentioned he was out of credit on his mobile phone, I had recharged it recently (he hardly ever used it as far as I was aware). When I went to do the recharge and I checked his call history to see what was up. I found a whole bunch of texts to an unknown number, mostly in evenings after work. 

I was planning to find out who this person was, but then the next day he said he was going to a friend to help him do some work on his house. I found this odd as he hardly does any work on OUR house. Also, he showered and got dressed in decent clothes before he left... (stupid, hey?). He looked guilty when I said that it was odd he was helping fix someone else's house when ours needed a lot of work. 

He was away for about 3 hours and when he came back I said 'You were away a while, you must have had a very good time at YOUR FRIENDS house' (heavy sarcasm on 'your friends'). He looked terribly guilty, and I was seriously suspicious now.

That evening he said he wanted to tell me something, and that's when he confessed to a PA affair with a work colleague. The worst thing was that he was all starry eyed when talking about her, implied she was great in bed - he even thought she was some sort of 'sex therapist' I had sent to him to keep him happy as our sex life had been dwindling!..... Talk about the fog... lol.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I started to get strange emails... one in particular was, "wow, great sweater ! " I looked down as I had on a plaid flannel shirt ! 

About 6 months later, I picked up his bb thinking it was mine, and one time , this one time, he left it unlocked ,and I found, "good night, love you so much ! "

~sammy


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Squiffy said:


> I'd suspected for a few months that something was going on as he'd been visiting 'friends' and coming home late from work more than usual. Then he mentioned he was out of credit on his mobile phone, I had recharged it recently (he hardly ever used it as far as I was aware). When I went to do the recharge and I checked his call history to see what was up. I found a whole bunch of texts to an unknown number, mostly in evenings after work.
> 
> I was planning to find out who this person was, but then the next day he said he was going to a friend to help him do some work on his house. I found this odd as he hardly does any work on OUR house. Also, he showered and got dressed in decent clothes before he left... (stupid, hey?). He looked guilty when I said that it was odd he was helping fix someone else's house when ours needed a lot of work.
> 
> ...


Oh yeah that sounds familiar. My H's OW, a co-worker and a student of Marriage and Family Therapy told him an A with her would "improve " his marriage, because" no one can be all things to all people", and he "deserved a little happiness",( insert piece of tail here, hiss hiss). My H told me what a " terrific a$$" she had, and how exciting and "fun" she was. He still wonders why it is taking me "so long" to get over his choosing another woman over me. He also told me that he thought I already knew about it and didn't mind; and that she and I probably would be "friends"if I met her. He told me that he thought his having an A would also make me want him more. I have met her and I would still like to rip her head off, and the wanting him more thing isn't working out so well for him either. It can get pretty sickening when these people are in the A fog. They lose all perspective .I would like to know whose sex life does not dwindle from time to time, and why cheaters think that gives them the right to stray?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> Oh yeah that sounds familiar. My H's OW, a co-worker and a student of Marriage and Family Therapy told him an A with her would "improve " his marriage, because" no one can be all things to all people", and he "deserved a little happiness",( insert piece of tail here, hiss hiss). My H told me what a " terrific a$$" she had, and how exciting and "fun" she was. He still wonders why it is taking me "so long" to get over his choosing another woman over me. He also told me that he thought I already knew about it and didn't mind; and that she and I probably would be "friends"if I met her. He told me that he thought his having an A would also make me want him more. I have met her and I would still like to rip her head off, and the wanting him more thing isn't working out so well for him either. It can get pretty sickening when these people are in the A fog. They lose all perspective .I would like to know whose sex life does not dwindle from time to time, and why cheaters think that gives them the right to stray?


WTH?? I wonder how he would have reacted if you had your own affair and told him the exact same thing?


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> WTH?? I wonder how he would have reacted if you had your own affair and told him the exact same thing?


I am absolutely sure he would have been destroyed. This fog thing completely strips them of empathy and honor. The beoytch didn't have any to begin with, but everyone who knows my H would be completely apoplectic if they knew about this. It just doesn't fit his persona. He is kind and mild and loyal, or so I thought. It is a mid-life thing with him, I think. The OW was more than 20 yrs his junior and a stone fox, intent on seduction. I won't cut him any slack for that. I don't care what she looks like or how determined she was,I hold him responsible for not distancing himself from the situation before it got out of hand. I do think he would have been kinder to me than I have been with him if I had strayed. He is basically a good man. I am Irish.


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## mrbiggz (Dec 21, 2011)

For me it was her avoiding me. She's upstairs, Ill go upstairs and she'll come downstairs. She was literally talking on the phone all the time but In a low voice to were she was trying to hide something and holding the phone right up to her face. 

What happened before that months before is the Beyonce song "two the left, two the left" came on and she told me "she could have another me in a minute". I told a friend at that point that I was about to go through some Sh!t.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

my wife was texting.all the time.and i would think who in the fck could be so important.i found out through phone records over half of her text were twitter and facebook alerts.but she did text om for two weeks after they had sex.by then i knew she wasnt the faithful wife i thought her to be


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

I've posted this before but I'm doing it again now . . . .

_My wife started texting a guy who texted her by accident (wrong number) and it went from there. It was I who read the initial text from him. She asked me to read it because she was busy doing something. It was a bit suggestive-I think he was casting his line and hoping for a bite. And he got one. She replied saying that his text was a very suggestive text to be sending to a 40+ married woman. I warned her that sending it was a mistake and she sent it anyway, and it went from there. 

I suspected that it wouldn't end there and it didn't! I started checking her phone (something I'd never done before) and, sure enough, the textual affair was up and running....... 

During the following week or two, she became very impatient with me and knocked me a lot. She had no interest in me sexually and everything I seemed to do was wrong.

During that time, a text came in to her phone and I read it. It was from him. She asked me who it was from and I said it was some guy who'd send her text jokes over the weekend, if she wanted. She said it wasn't some guy. She said it was a work colleague. I didn't display the patience of a card player and I told her I knew all that had been going on. Initially she denied everything point blankly. Then, bit by bit, she admitted things. 

To cut a long story short, she said that the whole thing excited her and that I hadn't shown any interest in her, prior to it all. (Fairly true, I have to admit). She said that he was interested in her purely for who she was, but stressed that they had never met up and that he didn't know her name. He just knew her by her first initial. 

Anyway, I totally lost it and shouted at her, asking if she thought I was stupid enough not to cop on to what was going on and to believe, like she had told me, that it wouldn't go any further. Later, she admitted that he had asked to meet her and there had been the suggestion, by him, of something physical between them. The following day, I took her phone to work, with her agreement, and after about an hour, a text came through from him. I replied, pretending to be her and we exchanged about ten texts. Finally, I couldn't take anymore and I phoned him (I hid my cell phone number). I got his voicemail. I told him that it had been me who had been texting him all day long, that I knew what was going on and that I never wanted him to contact my wife again!!!

When I got home, I told my wife what had happened. She became angry, saying that I should have allowed her the chance to finish it instead. I felt a bit foolish over the way I had behaved (I had been blinded by anger) and told her I was sorry. I asked her to text him and to tell him that I shouldn't have done what I did. She said she would and that would be the end of it.

That was definitely the lowest point of my life. Nothing has ever come close to it. I did blame myself, partially, for it, as my wife's emotional needs weren't being met by me. She insists that there was never any contact after that. I believe her but something like this damages trust to the extent that, deep down, there will always be some little element of doubt in my mind._



Looking back on it now, I wonder if the "original" text I intercepted was the original one at all. Our sex life has always been a bit hit and miss. Things improved a bit afterwards but gradually returned to normality. 

Sometimes, I feel the EA is all behind me. 

More times, however, I feel that she made a complete fool out of me and is capable of doing it anytime she wants . . . . and maybe she has done so since, although there has been absolutely any evidence of anything since.

I'll never be sure though and, I guess the bottom line is that trust was shattered on D-Day and will never be fully restored. 



All changed, changed utterly . . .


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Mario Kempes said:


> I've posted this before but I'm doing it again now . . . .
> 
> _My wife started texting a guy who texted her by accident (wrong number) and it went from there. It was I who read the initial text from him. She asked me to read it because she was busy doing something. It was a bit suggestive-I think he was casting his line and hoping for a bite. And he got one. She replied saying that his text was a very suggestive text to be sending to a 40+ married woman. I warned her that sending it was a mistake and she sent it anyway, and it went from there.
> 
> ...


sorry buddy, did it go physical? 

Yes, everything changes after discovery, denial, trickle truth, blaming....

How are you now?
How did you manage the aftermath?


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

AngryandUsed said:


> sorry buddy, did it go physical?
> 
> Yes, everything changes after discovery, denial, trickle truth, blaming....
> 
> ...


Hi, AngryandUsed. I just noticed an error on my post. It should have read " . . ._although there has been absolutely *no* evidence of anything since_."

I don't believe it went physical because I'm 99.99% sure that they never met.

I never really understood the mind of someone who's had an emotional affair till I found this wonderful website. Looking back, there was a lot of trickle truth after the initial denial and blame shifting also.

I thought at the time that I got all the truth eventually but, having spent a lot of time on this site, I wonder if she just told me what she wanted to tell me. I guess I'll never know.

As you've seen in my post, I lost it and screamed and shouted and so on. Then we had the trickle truth and blame shifting. I found it difficult to let it go and would hit her with a barrage of questions every so often. Eventually, I backed off because she used to become extremely upset and when I would draw it up. That said, there are times I still want to ask her things about it but I just bottle it up because of not wanting to upset her. And many here will probably feel that I should be more concerned with my own feelings rather than hers. I know I should but I just back off. 

Trust was shattered when it happened and I guess I will never trust her 100% again, although, as I said, she hasn't given me any reason to doubt her since. 

I became obsessed with sneakily checking her phone for a while afterwards (about a year) and I have fairly free access to her work place and called there a few times in that period after she'd gone home from work, because I thought I might find some evidence of ongoing contact. I didn't find anything. I don't check her phone at all now. Never.

We moved on and things were great for a while and gradually we went back to the way things were. Currently, I feel we're more like housemates than a married couple. We rarely have sex and there isn't much hugging or cuddling either.

But I think that the EA is always there like an elephant in the room. When she gets a text, I won't read it, even when she asks me to. It's not discussed but we both know that we're both thinking about the other guy and his texting years ago. She'll tell me to read any text she'll receive if she's out in the garden, in the bathroom, etc. but I just say that it's her phone and that I don't want to read it.

I don't think about it at all as much as I used to. Time is a great healer, in many ways, but I don't think that full healing will ever take place for me. I hate admitting this (and others have said so in the past also) but spending a lot of time on this wonderful site sometimes provides a lot of triggers and makes me think much, much more about it than I might otherwise do. And that drags me down a bit, as you can imagine. 

I have numerous friends but no close friend. I have nobody with whom I can discuss personal issues. A few years ago I confided in a friend about something and he told at least one other friend of mine about it. That experience even put me off going for counselling as I feared that the counseller might mention it to someone I know. Silly, I'm sure many of you will say, but we live in a fairly small city where everyone seems to know everybody else and I'm pretty well known to many people due to my involvement (and past involvement) in a number of organisations. I'm sure counselling would benefit me greatly but I've never been able to take the first step in that direction.

Thanks for taking the interest and time to reply. I feel a bit better having posted this reply.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Ditto here buddy.

Sad part for me is we are fighting more often. I wish I had found this site before the confession. I think in my case there is more....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I found out due to the fact that I started to care!

It was getting so bad that in some way my fWW was in danger. I mean for years I could have cared less. 

To this day I have no answer why I started getting suspicious. My "marriage" was easyier with the OM's in the picture. They picked up the slack that I didn't want. A deniel of biblical proportion.

My fWW life style was so bad it was a matter of time before the cops pulled up and started asking question that a "normal H" would have answers for. But not me Her life style gave me the me time I wanted.

Two years later ...it wasn't even a discovery, it was more of a confrontation to her unhealthy life style that effected more then me, or should I say lack of effect for me , but for our kids.

She has asked me many times " why after so many years I started to care" I have no answer.


There was a higher power that got me off the lazyboy and away from work that gave me the focus to investigate, gather proof and confront that is behaond my old self.

But I pulled her cell and printed out the data and just woke her up with a discussion that changed our lives forever.


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## devilsluck (Mar 12, 2012)

I received a pocket dial from wife from inside car of OM, they were on a two hour "lunch date" a while later I called back wife and left a voicemail "sorry to interrupt your date but could you call me back" I wish I could have seen her face.


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## Struggling4ever (Jan 9, 2012)

sammy3 said:


> I started to get strange emails... one in particular was, "wow, great sweater ! " I looked down as I had on a plaid flannel shirt !
> 
> About 6 months later, I picked up his bb thinking it was mine, and one time , this one time, he left it unlocked ,and I found, "good night, love you so much ! "
> 
> ~sammy


Sorry, that had to be tough )-


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## artlady (Jul 17, 2011)

For me, I started to get suspicious during our separation. I knew he'd been to see the his ex-girlfriend from when he was a teenage, and for part of that ten weeks, she'd posted some hints on her FB page that she was happy in a new relationship (though he denied it all, and after I asked him about it, those posts disappeared and her FB page suddenly became "friends only").

Of course that nagged me after he came home and we got back together, and before he put his suitcase up, I found a receipt for a $99 pair of women's boots (her receipt, though I didn't know it at the time). He was also keeping his cell phone on him at all times. So, about ten days after our R., I found a bag of papers in the trash. I took them and went out for coffee. In the bag, in addition to all his food and gas receipts, were all these bank statements- they'd had a shared account. Also, a balled-up love poem that he drunkenly wrote one night but never gave her (though she's snoopy, and I'm sure she saw it), and a sample pack of Levitra with two of the three pills gone.

Finding out was a surreal, hurtful feeling like nothing else. I called him from the parking lot and told him I knew. He cut off contact with her six days later (had to get her to close the bank account).

After that, I finally realized I had access to our phone records, and found out he'd been living with her for eight of those ten weeks, and found out he'd paid her bills. The hardest part of our R. has definitely been knowing that in every single way, he replaced me and our daughters with this woman and her kids, and trying to get through/over that.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

I found h secret mobile phone (he actually took it on holidays and hid it behind the wash hand basin pipes!)
He use to keep it hidden at his work but she had been diagonosed with cancer couple of monthe earlier and he "wanted to keep in touch while we were away to see how she was doing" , Holidays have always been family time and the fact that he brought his poision with him really hurt.
I tried to read text messages when I found the phone but was shaking too much to work the phone - in the middle of our showdown he managed to get the phone off me and deleted everything before i could read it - maybe in hindsight a good thing but it really Pi"""d me off at the time.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

devilsluck said:


> I received a pocket dial from wife from inside car of OM, they were on a two hour "lunch date" a while later I called back wife and left a voicemail "sorry to interrupt your date but could you call me back" I wish I could have seen her face.


i did see my wifes face.i went to her work and ask about a store reciept.i was sweet as candy.and as i left noticed there were no customers in the restaraunt.i turned around and she was standing beside the girl who owns the place and i say "you shouldnt let your ipod on the nightsand,were i can see it,you left your fb and twitter logged in and i now know you F**ked tattoo boy" and walked to the door and as i opened it i turned around and said"im going to file the divorce papers now so....have a good day." the look on their faces was priceless.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

I got a message from his exgf through FB. He had been having an ea, pos pa with her for several years. Apparently he went back east near her and had a ons. She got mad and told me about both affairs.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Wow this is a loaded question. No judgement please. I judge myself enough. Dday#1My brothers sil worked for my h and noticed he was cheating with another employee .So my brother spied on him found out and confronted him with my dad. They decided not to tell me because h said it would never happen again. My brothers wife called me anyway so I called H told him I knew and he came home begging forgiveness. I forgave him even though it had lasted a year because I had newborn baby. Fastforward 9 years later, Dday#2 we got a crazy expensive cell bill 2 months in a row. @nd month i got on line noticed a same # hundreds of times. Confronted him he said a purveyoe, I said I'll call the # , he confessed same woman for past 6 years and ilybinilwy. He ended it and I begged for another chance. He agreed. Well one month ago we separated. first he said divorce then he said lets date and live apart. Dday#3 ok well yesterday i got a funny vibe on phone with him and drove by her house for 1st time in months He was there and i walked in her house and caught them on the bed. All I can say is thank God they had clothes on. I have enough bad images to last me a lifetime


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Kind of got off easy compared.

March 2 2013. 7:58am. Went to use wifes comp to get weather. Her email was up. Email from ex subject "are mareidge" ( our marriage). Them spooning. She said 1 month contact. It turns out much longer tho only about 2 months was spooning type crap. So she lied and had EA. then again compared to others here i have it easy. No mind movies etc.

Also insulting that she picked an ex who was a half literate hillbilly.

I just hate that i will never truly have that wonderful implicit 100% trust again. I hate hate hate that. She emails. I wonder. She goes out. i wonder. I check up. I hate being james bond but i have to.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Blerrrghh ... Mine was pretty straightforward ... OW phoned me up and supplied me with all info. 

(Maybe I should add this emoticon at the end of my post --- :smthumbup: )


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

Overthemoon88 - are you glad other woman called you and told you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

2yearsago said:


> Overthemoon88 - are you glad other woman called you and told you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For sure ... Hurts like anything although I was shell shocked throughout the 47 minutes phone call.

If she didn't gleefully spill the beans, I would have remained blissfully unaware that my STBXH had schemed and plotted sinisterly behind my back for 2 years ... All the while playing the role of the "Perfect Family Man" ... I REALLY thought we had a happy marriage. I didn't see it coming at all.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Zombie thread but I'll play. I started getting suspicious when I noticed about 2,500 text to an unknown number. Like a dumbass I asked her about it, she lied and I decided to watch and check the next bill. Believe it or not the number was gone. She had called off the affair as soon as I noticed the texting. I should have checked the previous bills, I would have seen this had been going on for over a year. Lucky for me she thought I had figured it out and her conscience was killing her. Two months later, as chance would have it, a friend of hers, who knew my wife was having an affair, thought it was with her husband she was having an affair with! It wasn't, but that didn't matter, she called me and told me to check my phone bill. When I told my ww what she said my WW went into full ballistic denial mode. Ain't nothing worse than getting caught cheating, than being accused of cheating with the wrong person. What do you say, I'm not cheating with that guy he's too ugly? Well that's what she did! By now she was a wreck and she knew the jig was up and tearfully confessed two days later.


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