# My wife needs space...



## tufflove

My wife and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. Recently she told me that she needs space and she doesn't know if she loves me anymore. Since I was stationed in Korea from oct 06-oct07 I didn't talk to her enough while I was gone and since I've been back we seem to have grown apart. We don't spend a lot of time together and our work schedules have been very rough for the several months. She said she tried to pretend for a while that everything was ok, but she said she's tired of faking it. We both have grown unhappy with each other not meeting the others needs. I just don't know how to handle the fact that she doesn't know if she loves me anymore. She knows how much I love her, but she has even questioned my love for her saying that she's not sure if I love her the way I think I do or if I love her because that's the way I want to feel. I told her I'm willing to do anything and go to any lengths to make her happy even though I haven't showed it as much as I should have. She hasn't suggested anything about separating or me moving out, but I just have a horrible feeling that it will just be over and there's nothing I can do about it. She just seems distant while dealing with this while I'm a constant wreck. I've thought about asking her if she's getting the space she needs with us being in the same house, but I'm afraid to ask her that. Part of me thinks if I'm not there then maybe she will realize she really does love me and wants to work through our problems, but the fact that we don't spend a lot of time together and have grown apart seems like being apart more will not help anything. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you


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## humpty dumpty

since you have spent so much time apart in the early days off your marriage , your wife as learnt to cope alone ,she has built up her own support network.
Can you go back to basics and start dating again, show her how much you love her . if you have trouble telling her write her a love letter , cook her a meal .
its so easy not to work at being married but the odd bunch of flowers goes a long long way .
can you go to counselling together ?


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## tufflove

I suggested the counseling the other day to show I'm more then willing to go that route if it will help save our marriage. She didn't seem to like the idea so much because she said she doesn't want someone telling her how to feel. She said something along the lines of she knows how she feels/wants. The space is killing me though. I would love to go back to the basics, but that would depend on if she realizes whether or not she still loves me. If she does then hopefully we can get back to that. She said not to do anything extra while she needs her space though because it will just feel fake, but I can't help, but constantly think about what I can do to fix this.


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## humpty dumpty

Have you told her that you want to fight to save your marriage and that you will do what ever it takes ?

even when space is needed , you still need to keep the lines off communication open. 
Tell her that you wished you had done things differently ask her how you can make her feel better.
And even if she thinks its fake pour your heart out to her, fight to save your marriage x


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## tufflove

I told her that while she has her space I wanted to leave her with something to think about. I love her from the depths of my heart and with everything inside of me. I told her I know what I feel and I know it's worth fighting for. I tried to express how willing I am to do whatever it takes to make her happy and I would go to any lengths to do that. I just don't want to keep pouring my heart out when she needs space, but maybe I just need to keep on doing that to help show her what I would do to save this marriage. I think she still loves me she's just tired of being hurt and feeling so lonely and the pain and clouded her love.


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## humpty dumpty

My best friends husband is in iraq serving , she goes through all sort off emotions being crazy lonely, to being thrusted back together after coping alone ,she says she wants to be together and when hes away wants nothing more but when hes home shes scared to let her guard down because she doesnt want to get hurt again.

are you still living together ,sharing the same bed ?


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## tufflove

We are still living together and sharing the same bed. She has to work the next 5 nights in a row including tonight and said she didn't want to have a good sit down talk at least until this stretch of workdays is over. She said not to try to push her into talking about it until she is ready though. It's just going to be hard to feel so distant waiting on pins and needles until she wants to talk. I can't wait to just sit and talk about it with her, but "that" talk scares me to death because I'm afraid of what I might here. I don't know what I'd do if we sat down to talk and she just said she wanted a divorce. I can't imagine my life without her.


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## humpty dumpty

Thats gonna be really tough for you , and i can imagen how you feel, you need to respect that she needs that time and space, however hard it is  . Do your best to keep things normal but also letting her know that you will change the world in order to make things right between you both.


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## tufflove

I'm trying to give her the space, but I don't know if I'm overstepping my boundaries of giving her space by still trying to talk to her like everything is normal. It's hard to just sit on the same couch. I feel like I don't even know how to act around her when she feels so distant. She's at work right now and usually we email while she's at work and I'm even afraid just to send her an email to say hi and chat.


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## humpty dumpty

Yes shes asked for space, but it doesnt mean that you should stop doing the normal things you do for each other , id send a email saying just how much you have hated being so distant to each other and that you hope that she has a good evening at work , 
Now this is tough to ask do you think shes met someone else ?


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## tufflove

I've briefly thought about the possibility of someone else, but I wouldn't even know where to start to think of where she would meet someone else. She has a few girls at work that she just recently started hanging out with like the past few weeks and they went out once to see a movie. Other then that there's no one else that she hangs out with or talks to locally. I haven't wanted to ask her that until we sit down and talk, but the more I think about it... it just seems so unlikely.


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## humpty dumpty

Is there anything else that has happerned in the last 2/3 months that has put a strain on your relationship? I know its hard that you were away for a long time early on.


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## humpty dumpty

Are you still in the forces have you got a deployment coming up ?


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## tufflove

well our last 2/3 months I've been on Swing shift and that shift has had to be the worst schedule for us so our time together has decreased dramatically. There was one big thing. On thanksgiving she was supposedly working a 12 hr night shift so I made plans to go to a guys apartment from work because he only had a few people coming over. It turned out she was going to split the shift with someone and we would have had time to do something, but I was drinking and watching football by the time she told me that and she knows I don't drink and drive. I didn't realize at the time how bad that was, but it hurt her pretty bad and I think that incident was really the icing on the cake for her.


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## tufflove

I'm still in and neither of us have any deployments coming up.


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## humpty dumpty

lol yes that would of been the icing on the cake !! but its not to late for you both , and your not a mind reader so you cant be blamed for the shift change . question is how can you make it up to her ? you spend so much time apart, with work commitments that you both have to work on the time you have together and making it special.
you cant change the past but you can make the future  could you meet her from work with a bunch of flowers ? or write her a long love letter telling her why she is so important in your life .


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## tufflove

I might go the letter route, but I just have the feeling she will just think I'm only doing any of that because of the situation. I'm about to get to bed, but thanks for all the replies. It was good to get a strangers point of view.


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## humpty dumpty

pour your heart out let her know how sorry you are about thanks giving, let her know you hate being so distant from someone your so clearly love ,and more important let her know of your future plans and dreams you have together . its so much easier to write how you feel then to talk but its a good start good luck x


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