# In a weird place...not sure how to treat my pregnant wife



## traindriver (Nov 3, 2011)

My story is a long, pathetic one. I found out last Christmas that my wife had several affairs in the past lasting a total of (4) years. In reading some of the other stories here my wife liked the idea of the security I gave her along with raising the kids while she could still having her thrills on the side. Short version of the story is she had a PA about (4) years ago and then dropped that about a year ago for a different guy and an EA with him. She thought she wanted to be with him but when I moved out and she tried to spend more time with him he backed away. I wish I could go back in time and beat the hell out of myself for being a spineless puss. She'd call wanting to talk and I'd be there. She'd call and say she needed me and I'd go. Whatever she asked for I'd do because I thought that was needed in order for our marriage to have a chance. I should've been a man and laid some ground rules instead of being a doormat.

It's easy to look back and figure out "would've, could've, should've" scenarios but that's not real life. I shouldn't of kept on having sex with this woman but I did. I can only imagine the psychology behind doing it. Anyhow, sometime in April she got pregnant, probably, by me. She claims she was done with the EA guy but did have a one night stand with a guy she met on a dating site. She said he used protection and was really having a tough time...she doubts he could be the father but that certainly doesn't make me feel any better. I moved back home so we could try and save some money up and for me to take care of kids when she couldn't work anymore. I have huge kids and my wife has had to stop working about 7 months in because there so big. My son was 12lbs and daughter was almost 11lbs. My wife is 7 1/2 months pregnant now and is HUGE...I feel pretty confident the baby is mine but I'll still probably sneak a paternity test.

So...nothing was ever really resolved. She has apologized in round about ways with the only thing she states with emphasis is that if she decides that she wants to screw around she'll just leave. There was so much hurt on both sides for so long she's said she could never do it again. I don't even know how to treat her. The best way I can put this is I'm treating her well at arms length. I've just found this website and reading the 180 thing and the nice guy thing but it just feels wrong to do this to a pregnant person. Before finding this website I'd tell my friends and family (I told a few people because I needed the support) that I was going to try and make this an easy and relatively enjoyable pregnancy just for the baby's sake and I think I have so far but what do I do after the baby's born? Christ, it'll be almost a year removed from when I found out. My wife has been a super wife over the last 3-4 months calling and telling me her whereabouts several times a day. Giving me her phone if I ask and not caring that I know her passwords. She's not on any dating websites nor is she even friends with any guys anymore (that I know of). The only tough thing is she's still in the process of getting over the EA guy. Hell, back in June it finally came to a head and the EA guy's new girlfriend and myself said enough was enough and the four of us sat down and those two went at it for a couple of hours. I still can't believe I didn't drive his face through the floor when I had a chance. He just seemed so pathetic that it just didn't seem worth the consequences. Fact is certainly stranger than fiction. After that incident you could tell she was/has been slowly letting go. She used to have "tough" days every week...then every couple of weeks and now the only time I hear his name is when she says she ran into the "******* as I was driving to the store"...stuff like that.

There is so much hurt though...I had found some older pictures of her and her first fling that I was, obviously, not supposed to see. Early on in this mess she outright asked me for an open relationship. She's lied over and over and over to me about these guys. She's an awful person and I'm a complete moron. Yet come Dec. 16th we're going to have our 4th child...and he didn't ask for any of this. He just wants to be cared for and loved by his parents just like the other 3 do. What do you guys suggest in my situation?

It's not that I want to make the situation "right". I can't do that...she has to. She seems to be doing what I ask of her but, let's be honest, who the hell wants to fck a 7 1/2 month pregnant lady. I've made peace with the fact that I can go, I can leave. I don't NEED her anymore like I used to but that certainly seems incredibly selfish considering the situation. I don't know what is right. I'm very confused, heartbroken and have these pictures images burned into my brain. How do I get over it? Should I get over it? I feel like I'm biding my time before the real game happens but I'm not even sure what sport we're playing. Any advice (outside of your cuckold doormat loser) would be appreciated.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Make sure the baby is born as healthy as possible. Get the paternity test done. Get yourself tested for STD's. File for divorce. I see no way out of that mess. Her past behavior tells me that once she has the kid, and heals from that, she'll be back on her back in no time. If you can't see the pattern, re-read your post.

Improve your life and get out of that toxic relationship.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell her to leave today and begin divorcing her. She is an unrepentant serial cheat. She won't change and she isn't worth your time. If after the kid is born, agree to either you having custody or give it up for adoption. A woman like her can't be a fit mother. She ha no morals to teach a child.

Don't waste another minute of your precious life of a ***** like her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Good grief. What a twit she is. Screwing up at least 6 lives like that! Unreal.

Anyway, I think you need to kick her the hell out too. Once she has the baby find out if he's yours and if he is, try to get custody so he isn't exposed to that awful excuse for a mother. So, call a lawyer and start the proceedings.

Oh, and I've been pregnant 3 times myself and I can guarantee we aren't as fragile as people seem to think.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Please get a divorce.

This can't be fixed.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

File for divorce.

Get tested for a comprehensive panel of STDs.

Do paternity tests on all your kids and the expected one when born. Dont accept financial and legal responsibility if not your child.

Click here. Read the links in the signature. Especially "Let them go" and the 180. 

Simple suggestions but probably hard for you to do. Stop continuously enabling her -- it's like you want her to behave the way she had.

Never too late to regain your self-respect and dignity.


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## traindriver (Nov 3, 2011)

I suppose that's the responses I expected. I think the hardest part is accepting the fact that I "chose" that person for a mate. I picked this woman...jeez...how flawed is my judgement.

Not exactly sure what I'm going to do but I probably will not do anything until, at least, the baby is born. I just can't believe that would be in the best interest of the child, whether it's mine or not. 

If this were January of last year and I had just found out I'd agree that I needed to do the 180 and if she just kept pulling away then I'd need to let her go. I wish I knew then what I know now...logic tells you that communication is what is needed, however it makes sense to lay some groundrules before starting to speak. I'd have some moments of clarity when talking with her and realize that if she loves the other guy so much, well, then go...then the remorse for my little family would kick in and I'd be back at square one asking her how she could do this.

At this point in time it almost feels like a waiting game. I've got all the little snoopy gadgets on the market (cell phone bugs, computer keylogging, VAR's) to implement if I get weird vibes from her but that doesn't seem like a marriage at all. The thoughts that have been going around in my head for the last several months is that if I didn't leave her when she was talking out of both sides of her face, how can I do it right now when she's been nothing short of what I expected out of her all along. After the pregancy she may go back to what she was...but maybe not. I do know she wouldn't do it for very long because I'm just not that naive or blind anymore. I don't know if past indiscretions should be written in stone for what she is going to do in the future. As you can see, I've been trying to justify to myself "a wait and see" approach and see what happens. I worry sometimes that regardless of whether she turns herself into a good person or not...too much damage has been done in my mind and I'll never look at her the same. Sometimes the thought of being alone is refreshing and the thought of what it would be like to find new untainted love actually brings a smile to my face...then my kids run back into the scene and I snap back to reality. It seems like I know what is right for me as an individual but I feel like I have a responsibility to my little family to try every damn thing possible. Thank you for your responses...it didn't really help but confirmed what I thought people think. If you guys have anything to add, thank you. I'm in a hell of a tug of war right now with myself. The most important thing in my life is and has always been my family...to let it go just drops me to my knees...how do I get by this?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Ask yourself this...

Do you want to do whats best for your children as you state? or are they part of a martyr card your playing because you are afraid and unable to make a decision? Do you identify that you have serious codepency issues which hold you in this disfunctional relationship?

You want help and not just opinions "you expected"?

It starts with you. 

If your...

*commited to use the advice you get and convert that into action 
* If you have reached the point where you can set aside the denial and self delusional coping mechinisms which keep you in this mess.

and 

* Have the courage to take a painfully hard look in the mirror and address the problems in you... 

Then....

You will get that advice and help. Your history with this women, and what jumps off the posts you wrote is that you haven't shown any of the strength, self esteem or courage it will take to use the advice you are offered. You have deeply engrained ways of talking yourself out of taking action. Your W will help you talk yourself out of it, and provide all the delusion fuel you need to go back into hibernation until the cycle repeats again... and it will... 

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you exist in the most harsh situation imaginable... and if this stings, you dont have a chance to make it through the sh*tstorm you about to be faced with. You will fold.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

traindriver said:


> Sometimes the thought of being alone is refreshing and the thought of what it would be like to find new untainted love actually brings a smile to my face...then my kids run back into the scene and I snap back to reality. It seems like I know what is right for me as an individual but I feel like I have a responsibility to my little family to try every damn thing possible. Thank you for your responses...it didn't really help but confirmed what I thought people think. If you guys have anything to add, thank you. I'm in a hell of a tug of war right now with myself. The most important thing in my life is and has always been my family...to let it go just drops me to my knees...how do I get by this?


Since you say your family is the most important thing to you, please think about what you are teaching your kids. Your four children will very likely find out about all of this, if they don't already know now. They will find the pictures, wonder why mommy is not at home, or why you two are cold to each other. How you act will serve as a blueprint to how they conduct their life. Do you want your son to grow up thinking that he should marry a woman that will run around on him, or think that it is okay to do that to his wife? When you walk your little girl down the aisle to get married, is this the type of life you dream for her? 

Because, unfortunately, the message you are sending to your children is that this sort of behavior is to be expected from a spouse. That "love" means taking all the crap that the other person wants to dish out, and asking for seconds. You are actively teaching your kids that cheating is acceptable. I don't see how that is looking out for your family.

If standing up for yourself is too difficult, why don't you try standing up for what is the best for your kids.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Get the existing kids DNA tested before you decide to stay. Your wife has all the personality traits of a serial cheater and liar. You may already be raising several other men's children.

It really burns me to hear men convince themselves they won't take a stand "because of the family". Your hiding, whie your wife teaches your children that cheating is ok. Thst love, loyalty, and truth are just words and not something you actually have to live up to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostCPA (Apr 15, 2011)

I’ve kind of been in your shoes with a serial cheating WW. I finally had to admit that she was so broken that the best thing was for me to divorce her. I’m not a big Dr Phil fan, but he has a saying that “it’s better to come from a broken home than to live in one” You are not doing your children any favors by staying with a serial cheating mother. They are learning life lessons by the way she lives her life. Is that really what you want your children learning?

She has a lot of work to do on herself if she hopes to break this cycle of behavior. My WW is in the same place. I just believe that it is better for me and my kids if I divorce her and allow her to focus on her personal issues. We can’t work on marriage issues until she addresses her personal demons.

Here’s what I would do.

- Get DNA tests on all three of your children and this new baby when he is born.
- Get a full battery of STD tests on yourself
- If you decide to stay have her sign a post-nuptial agreement if it is legal in your state
giving up all rights to marital property and child custody if you ever catch her cheating 
again.
- Set some pretty firm boundaries for her to agree to like no computer use unless you are present , no girls night outs, total access to all of her passwords, complete
transparency and accountability of her time 24/7. 
- I would also ask for a polygraph for your own peace of mind to make sure you have the whole truth about your life.


These are not all inclusive, but you have to be firm and set firm guidelines. She has made her bed and she needs to make the sacrifices necessary to redeem herself to the degree she can. If she’s not willing to do the heavy lifting she is not completely committed to your marriage and you are better off divorcing before you find yourself in this situation again.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

In many states, when a child is born, the husband is considered to be the father even if he is not the DNA father. You should file for divorce now and be legally separated when the child is born. Although she will still make a claim, if the child is not yours you will be in a better position to fight the child support. If the child is not yours, it will eat you alive to be making those payments as she moves in with another man.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

traindriver said:


> I wish I could go back in time and beat the hell out of myself for being a spineless puss.


Don't we all. 

Even if she was the perfect wife for the rest of your life you still have to deal with the damage this has done. You are never going to fully respect her again because nobody can erase what she did. 

Odds are she will cheat again. Once you cross that line the way she did it just gets easier and easier. Today that might be the last thing on her mind but a year from now...

I couldn't stay, she treated you horribly and you are in a way rewarding her by staying married to her. She got to fool around and was able to keep her marriage intact, its win-win for her and lose-lose for you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

> I suppose that's the responses I expected. I think the hardest part is accepting the fact that I "chose" that person for a mate. I picked this woman...jeez...how flawed is my judgement.


We do our best. It is a [email protected] shoot though. We are in the fog of love at the time. It happens. No excuse to be treated like this.


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## traindriver (Nov 3, 2011)

I'm going to do the DNA testing on my kids this evening...something from Walgreens called Identigene or something like that.

After reading some on it I do have some codependency issues. I've always put the marriage ahead of myself just because I thought was what you were supposed to do. Those vows I took pretty much stated so but, obviously, I have issues since I still put my relationship way ahead of myself in those god awful times in January.

I don't feel like I need to be with her anymore. Those clingy feelings were gone along time ago. It became painfully obvious last March and April that it was time to go. She called less and I didn't want to talk with her anymore. She didn't want to see me that often and I was just fine with that. I'd go over and see the kids for a bit several nights a week and that was about it. We still had sex once in awhile (hence my issue)...stupid on my part...I guess it was just comfortable...idk.

Boom. Pregnant. Now what. Do I stay in my new apartment by myself or do I go back and help? Most people said don't go back so soon...wait until about month 7 but it seemed so selfish. She asked me to come back, to give her a chance. The whole thing felt really weird but I felt like if this was my child I should go back and do what I could. From the time I've moved back she's kept saying things would be different, that we've got to have better communication. She said she understands how the trust was broken and that if I wanted to look at anything or see anything like phones or facebook or email to just ask and she'd give it up. She's been nothing but a wonderful wife the whole 7 1/2 months I've been there. It's odd but I almost hate her for it. Where was this person for the past (4) years? So now I sit and wait and wonder if this person will still be there after the pregnancy. If she is, will I ever be able to look at her again and not see the cheating ***** she was the last several years and see the woman I married 8 years ago. Do you think MC would help at all?

I know there has been a pretty undeniable response that I should just divorce the serial cheater and move on but I don't think you guys are getting the picture. I could move on if she were to do something more to me but I don't think I can if she's being like she is now. She seems like she's making some huge changes, albeit while she's pregnant. I still have this huge wall up around me that I keep telling myself I can't break down until she has the baby and is sexually active again. At that point I'll know where I stand in her life and I'll know if I can ever trust her again. Does this make sense? Most of the threads deal with a person finding out that a spouse cheated on them and the recommendation is to read several articles and follow that path. Hell, if I had known about this website 10 months ago I sure as hell wouldn't be writing this. However, I don't see an article title "What to do when you've knocked up your cheating wife". I'm in a strange area and I don't know what the right thing is to do so I'm kind of sitting on my hands...


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## LostCPA (Apr 15, 2011)

I don't think MC will help until she addresses her issues. SHe has issues that lead her to crosss her boundaries and cheat on her marriage multiple times. She needs to be in IC and then maybe MC.

Are you sure she didn't get pregnant on purpose to keep you around? 

Also, I'm not saying that you need to head straight to divorce. You just need to make sure she does all of the heavy work that she needs to do to address her issues before you commit to staying married.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

traindriver said:


> but I don't think you guys are getting the picture...


No, the picture is perfectly clear. 

You are the one that is clouding it for yourself. Don't you see??? This is what you do, this is what you have been doing for a longtime now... It's called analysis paralysis. 

You create this dynamic to enable you to do exactly what you are doing now... Nothing. When the picture starts coming clear... you cloud it again. You sleep with her, or you introduce a morality question, or whatever.... You are in your own way. Get it ?

It's ok and perfectly normal to be scared. Sometime the "known" is easier to cope with and tolerate regardless of how awful it is, than facing the "unknown".


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## traindriver (Nov 3, 2011)

Well...according to her she started cheating on me for sexual issues. Apparently, I wasn't doing oral enough and instead of letting me know she decided after our 3rd child that she deserved this and found someone who would. When she told me how this started I didn't even know how to respond...how stupid...such poor communication...such poor problem solving...how pathetically selfish. Hell, I told her I didn't think I got oral enough either...it didn't ever dawn on me to do something like this. Christ, is there any of you out there that feel you get enough of the type of sex you enjoy? Anyhow, even at that time I could tell something was wrong but I was way too naive and trusting to think it would go this far. She was going out a couple times a week, leaving a lot of her chores for me and she was doing less and less with the kids. I slowly became angry which led to bickering then bitterness and, finally, resentment. Somewhere around 2 years ago she decided she didn't want just a PA with this guy but a real relationship so she dropped him and started seeing another unhappily married man. Several months later he divorced his wife and he was waiting and waiting on her but she never did. I then found out...and he left. 

We were both unhappy in our marriage but I thought it was because three kids were too much for her to handle so I did my best to take charge and help...she could've told me...she could've talked to me. It seems all of this started from poor communication on sexual wants and a ridiculous amount of entitlement to be satisfied whenever and however. At least that's my point of view. She should've divorced me if she was that unhappy, I at least thought it was the stress of kids that was making her miserable. Whenever, I told her she could've left and divorced me she'd say "You'd never let me go". I think it's that statement that will be a mystery to me forever.

I try to accept that the past is the past and to move forward but it worries me that if she couldn't even talk to me about her perceived "needs" like that and took such a huge leap into infidelity, what am I in for next?

To be as miserable as I am because of a simple lack of communication...I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive her for that.


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## traindriver (Nov 3, 2011)

You're probably right Pit...my head hurts from thinking about this too much. I'm alot better than I was. Back in Jan & Feb I could barely function. Everything got alot better when I felt like the end was coming. I didn't even feel bad when I moved back home because of the pregnancy I just figured she'd screw me over again somehow and I'd have the last reason I'd ever need to leave. That hasn't happened so far yet and now it's actually scaring me that I kind of enjoy being around this person again...I'm scared of her hurting me like that again. I want to love her and to feel like a family again and with the way she's treating me there's no reason not to but I just don't ever want to get back to the place I was early this year. That was a real scary time for me. I can't revisit that again. I've had 4-5 months of what I thought married life should be like and I don't know if it's a mirage or real.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

traindriver said:


> Well...according to her she started cheating on me for sexual issues. Apparently, I wasn't....


*STOP RIGHT THERE!*

Let's back up and start where your entire line of thinking / analysis begin....

"ACCORDING TO HER"....

Mistake 1. MONSTEROUS HUGE MISTAKE, Step 1 : bare a$$, remove head!!!!

Train.... She is a f*cking liar dude. She is justifying her behavior partially to excuse it for herself and partially to shift some blame to you.... 

Reset ALL OF YOUR THINKING. DO NOT LISTEN TO HER or base your actions on her words.... Its smoke and mirrors dude.

Assume everything she says to you is a lie, half truth of part of the delusional universe she exists in, in her own head. 



traindriver said:


> Whenever, I told her she could've left and divorced me she'd say "You'd never let me go". I think it's that statement that will be a mystery to me forever.


Ohhh is it really a mystery why she said that ??? 

Look in the mirror, read your own posts dude... you are a punching bag, a doormat... she has dished out unbeliveable punishment and emotional torture on you... and where are you now? right at her side. 

That statement might as well have been "Your my little energizer bunny b*tch, Look what amazing sh*t Ive already done to you... but you keep going and going..." 

That is exactly what she said.

Mystery? lol.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Lack of enough sexual preference - sounds like a lame excuse, if there ever was one. 

Wow. What a piece of work! I sympathize with you, Traindriver!

Pit is correct, BTW, listen to what he is saying!


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## traindriver (Nov 3, 2011)

Thanks for your responses. I guess if I get burnt again then I guess you can all pat yourselves on the back for being right. We were in the process of leaving one another and then this happened. Nothing has turned out the way I expected. I thought by this time I would be just working out in the gym trying to have the hurt fade away seeing my kids several times a week. Instead I'm living back at home with a wonderful wife who totally fcked me over for years and years. I was the energizer bunny for several months no doubt I was a pathetic doormat. If she stays this way and I don't ever end up going you guys think that there still needs to be some consequences for her actions. I don't know what to say. When I was as clingy as I was last winter it was my fault that didn't happen. I wish it did and I wish I handled it better. I would've like to have seen her suffer a bit so she knew what she was losing. That never happened and here I am. I can certainly leave but why? Since I've moved back in she's been everything I hoped for and more. I came here looking for a few ideas or answers on what to do with my circumstances and all I've got was you guys looking at the past winter pointing to how big of a btch she was. I got it...understand it and accept it. But what about the current situation of an apologetic wife whose done everything I asked even thought I'm certainly not the nicest to her right now. Do I let my guard down or not? Do I look at ourselves as a family? I'm not intending on leaving her unless I have a reason and there is absolutely no reason to leave based on what she's done the last 5 months. There is the past and there is my own thoughts and my thoughts are what I was asking for help with. Hell, if she does something to hurt me again I don't need your help...I can figure that out myself. I just don't understand the way I'm feeling or should feel or whatever. She was a lying cheating selfish whre...I get that. She's still my wife and she seems to be trying to change...should I accept it.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

We dont need or want to pat ourselves on the back at the cost of your pain and suffering. Most of us are here to try to prevent that from happening. Some listen, some don't or can't. and that's ok.

you really never wanted advice, you were looking for what you wanted to hear or maybe just some venting to recharge your batteries...

Good luck with your marriage.


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## Onedery (Sep 22, 2011)

Train, it's simple. You married a skank and didn't know it until you caught her cheating. Don't feel bad. It happens. It happened to me and many more people on these boards. You can't beat yourself up for not recognizing these traits when you first married because nobody would have. The communications problem is common early on in nearly all marriages but should be overcome afar the first year.
Now every thing that has happened to you since you discovered her affairs is ALL on you since she is merely doing everything and anything she wishes because she knows you are reluctant to step up and show her the door.
As others have said, you need to get paternity tests on ALL of the children she purports to having been fathered by you.At the same time, you need to be tested for STD's because if you continued to sleep with her, you have been sleeping with her studs by proxy.
Lastly, once you are rid of her, you need to change your game and when you start dating again, you need to find women who know what they want and are willing to say it. If they can't be truthful, keep looking.
Experience has taught me this to be true with ninety percent of the women out there looking for companionship.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You are a simply a weak cuckold. She wanted an open marriage and that's what you gave her. You see the first time you get cheated on you are a betrayed spouse. The second time you are a cuckold, because you knew her character. She will treat you like gold until she has another anchor (kid) around your neck. Then as soon as she is physically able to go have sex with another stranger, she will. You will make the same arguments the next time she does it. Its what you expect (and is sadly its what you will get). You are the beta male, good for financial security, and a great father. But you are an inferior breeder. Hence she seeks out alpha males to breed with.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

traindriver said:


> Boom. Pregnant. Now what. *Do I stay in my new apartment by myself or do I go back and help? Most people said don't go back so soon...wait until about month 7 but it seemed so selfish. She asked me to come back, to give her a chance. The whole thing felt really weird but I felt like if this was my child I should go back and do what I could.* From the time I've moved back she's kept saying things would be different, that we've got to have better communication. She said she understands how the trust was broken and that if I wanted to look at anything or see anything like phones or facebook or email to just ask and she'd give it up. She's been nothing but a wonderful wife the whole 7 1/2 months I've been there. .



Clearly you dont know if you are the father of the baby.

She wants you back to take care of the baby. She's not doing that because she loves you. She's using you. (If she loved you why would she cheated on you repeatedly?)

Your best protection is to move out. File separation or divorce. 

I dont know why you would want to raise her lover's child. I know that's harsh but why are you trapping yourself financially and legally for the next 18+ years?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Train - let me attempt this one more time. 

You've got a good thing going right now (even with the crap in the past). I will say this ->

If she has changed for the good, then good for you! Keep going the way you want. 

Just understand that all the cheating she did, well, she has to know from you that trust will never again be 100%, much less 50%. You need to be upfront that your marriage from this point forward will require her (no excuses or blameshifting on how you cause her to cheat) to maintain visibility and fidelity for the rest of her marriage to you.

You see, I'm not a fan of divorce either, and, if I was in your cirumstance, would probably feel the same way. 

Full reconciliation doesn't come in 7 1/2 months of awesome wife behavior, it takes about 2 - 5 years. I'm guessing closer to 5 years in your situation. She needs to know that because trust is deservedly low, she's gonna have to bust her butt - but you'll do your part in the marriage to make it good - but she's gonna have to keep proving that she will stay on the straight and narrow.

Most folks here are saying that your wife has tiger stripes - meaning, if she could pull the stripes off to look like a lion - she's still a tiger. And she didn't have any ONS, she took it to the extreme. Just be wary - this may get tiring for both of you.

this child maybe yours, however, theres a high chance with her tiger stripes that it could be someone else's. If you decide to stay and raise this child, you'll have to be able to look past that. 

Hopefully I'm not being too much of a John Tesh here, but sometimes people can put on a pretty good act to get the beta male to raise other alpha's kids. Alpha up here. Suggest you read No More Mr Nice Guy and Married Mans Sex Life Primer, and 5 love languages. You and her may not have same love languages - so this might help you.

No one here wants to see you or your marriage fail. they just want to paint the most likely situation that will occur based on a study of other relationships that have strikingly predictable outcomes!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Oh, and just to prove the point made in my previous post. 

In your first post. You said that you were going to "sneak a DNA test". Why would you say that the way you did? Because you are afraid of even a hint of displeasure from her. 

THINK FOR A MOMENT! Your wife is a ***** and you are going to "sneak" a DNA test? You have to sneak like a cuckold and not directly like a man. That is the situation, you are a cuckold. Your wife has zero respect for you. And sadly you have no respect for yourself. You seriously need to be in counseling. And the question needs to be asked of yourself. And that is "Why do I deserve to be abused like this"? And the second is "Why do I accept it"?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

traindriver said:


> Since I've moved back in she's been everything I hoped for and more.


Yeah, what did you expect? 

She needs a babysitter/nanny for the coming baby.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

> Originally Posted by traindriver View Post
> Since I've moved back in she's been everything I hoped for and more.



I get it at all but it seems there are some men who enjoy the cuckold lifestyle or the fantasy of it. It creeps me out, but to each their own.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Its not the cuckolding, its the self deception that is the issue. Before any decisions can be made. One must have an accurate representation of the facts. Then the only decision is whether to accept reality or to continue to deceive yourself.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Ok consider the following. Inform her that in order to continue being with her in a committed relationship that the marriage has to end first with her agreeing to giving up custody of the kids, willingly forfeiting spousal support and her share of community property. That would ensure that if she were to return to her cheating ways, you and the kids would be protected, before you kick her to the curb. If she accepts and you implement it, it would show that she is serious about reconciliation and not simply paying lip service.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You may be in the same dilemma 8yearscheating found himself in. On the outside shot you are and you want to try and work it out try reading his threads.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/search.php?searchid=1703572


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## traindriver (Nov 3, 2011)

I've been thinking about this all weekend. What my life was...what it will be and how I can accept and move on? The more I read on codependancy, my god did I have it bad back in Jan. I would've given everything to hold on to my sham of a relationship called a marriage. It's just not that way anymore and hasn't been for quite some time.

You guys sure are hard on people. I've been called a number of names by you yet you can never know the whole story. I wrote to this board because it seemed like there was a number of people that have, unfortunately, lived through these vicious scenarios and I just wanted to feel better about where I was at in my head and about what I should be doing with my situation. My situation was a cheating wife of (4) years with two different guys is pregnant by, presumably, me and has been awesome to me since the pregnancy. I feel awful yet I don't feel I can leave since she's so far along in the pregnancy, she's given up her privacy and knows I have severe trust issues and has told me she's a changed person and can't go back to that life anymore. Lip service? Maybe. Am I cuckold for helping her through this pregnancy? I suppose I am until I get a DNA test on this child. I've got two other children with her aged 4 & 6...am I cuckold there, also? Once again, I suppose I could be until I get a DNA test for them too. They sure do look like me though.

All I keep hearing from the majority, outside of my various degrees of cuckoldness and beta male issues, is GTFO. That seems so wrong given the pregnancy. This baby didn't ask for any of this. Judging by the size of my wife I'd guess he is mine since I only seem to have 12lb kids. I can't and won't leave until several months after this child is born. I'm not asking for your advice in this situation. I feel and know that this is the right thing to do for this child regardless of the situation. Punting a 7 seven month pregnant woman with three kids to the streets at the beginning of November isn't the right thing to do in any situation. EVER.

What I have been asking all along is do I or should I let my guard down since she is treating me so well? I suppose since most of you feel since she is just going to cheat on me anyways I suppose I should keep my guard up. That is all I wanted to know. To rip me apart and make me feel like less of a person then I already did, well, thanks. That's exactly what I needed.

I feel awful most of the day, everyday. I don't trust her anymore and it's hard to envision a future where I could go through a whole day without thinking about some portion of her affair. I don't know how to accept this, put it behind me and move on. I don't know how we have any kind of future without some kind of divine intervention or severe amnesia. I thought that by maybe opening up to her and trying to treat her like a loving wife that maybe this would go away with time. I had been, unknowingly, following the 180 for quite some time but what's the point of that. She seems like she wants our marriage to still work...and yes I understand the deception ploy she could be playing. As for the nice guy...well I think that book was written about me. I don't think I've been as much of a nice guy the past 6-7 months but I've got a ways to go in that one. 

I'm sorry you guys think so little of me. In my haze of insanity I thought I was doing the right thing back in January and February. By the time the fog really lifted and I realized my situation my wife was pregnant. Now I'm just confused all the time about what is the best thing to do for myself and my family. My wife seems to be trying and it feels so wrong to not try to for the sake of my family...I just hate her so much. Sad dynamics and I'm just very confused.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

traindriver said:


> I wrote to this board because it seemed like there was a number of people that have, unfortunately, lived through these vicious scenarios and I just wanted to feel better about where I was at in my head and about what I should be doing with my situation.


If this is your goal, you are in the wrong place. These people are giving you good, tough advice on how to take care of yourself. They will not tell you what you want to hear to make you feel better about yourself.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Buddy, what a mess. The sad thing is that there's kids involved. But you have to think of what you are showing them to be acceptable.

You have to set out the bad order, run the switch and blow the red signal-or live and die like this.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

12 lbs baby most likely mean the mother has gestational diabetes. It's not up to the father to determine the size of the fetus.


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## traindriver (Nov 3, 2011)

She's been tested several times and it's not diabetes.

Regardless of how big the baby is I'm getting a DNA test the same.

She has a 14 year old from a different father (before we even met) and she was 7lb 6oz so we just assumed the big babies are from me. 

Not really relevant anyhow since a paternity test will happen anyhow on all kids since I will always wonder.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Train: Please try not to take stuff from us personal. We really are concerned about you - and about your marriage. You can make whatever choice you want. We just don't want to have the same stories repeated over and over. 

Admittedly, everyone thinks their marriage might be "different". What most on here who have cheated or been cheated upon have determined is most cheaters run a common script. We just want to make sure you are aware and not being decieved.

As Entropy3000 says alot - Trust but verify. 

Good luck to you!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You, and all of us betrayed spouses here, have been traumatized by the devastation of marital betrayal. Don't do what a lot of us guys do and foolishly believe that you can healthily process the trauma of infidelity on your own. Get yourself into individual therapy to help you heal from the ordeal. Check out this article titled *EMDR: An Approach to Healing Betrayal Wounds in Couples Counseling*. No matter what happens to your marriage, you must make your personal healing your number one priority not only for you but for your children as well.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Train... you said she's giving you full disclosure now on everything she's doing. Keep this up after the baby. As stated before, do these tests...right in front of her face. You have no reason to "sneak" and do anything, she's lost any type of position to raise an eyebrow over.

I think what people on here are concerned about is that you will get hurt again because you wife has clearly showed you what she is. Her changing... that's going to be tough. Assuming u've forgiving her... forgetting all the stuff she's done. That's torture to you bro. So if you are willing to make this work, there is a lot you are going to have to do to move on.


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## traindriver (Nov 3, 2011)

Thank you that's the first moment of clarity I've had in awhile.

I had been in counseling up until last April when I was trying to get over her but I quit because of the pregnancy. In retrospect I suppose it was probably way more important to seek it from that point going forward. I just called and am in the process of getting an appointment scheduled.

I am thinking now that it may be important for me to just go and try and get my head on straight. It's been ten long, grueling months of heartache and headache and I'm very confused and don't think I can make any correct or logical decisions pertaining to my marriage right now. I remember the Psychologist that I had seen before had a knack for making everything seem so simple...almost intuitive. I think I need that most as you are probably are all aware. I need help for me and my kids sake.

Thanks again to all of you. No matter how "mean" your words may have been, there were enough of you saying the same things for me to realize that something is/was not clicking correctly in my head and I need some professional help badly.

As I start my counseling again I'll come back and maybe throw in a few tidbits here and there. Maybe it'll come in handy when another poor fool comes in with circumstances like mine. Take care.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

traindriver said:


> I've got all the little snoopy gadgets on the market (cell phone bugs, computer keylogging, VAR's) to implement if I get weird vibes from her but that doesn't seem like a marriage at all. The thoughts that have been going around in my head for the last several months is that if I didn't leave her when she was talking out of both sides of her face, how can I do it right now when she's been nothing short of what I expected out of her all along.


It does sound like speaking with someone will help you sort out your thoughts. 

And as far as 'snooping' goes...this is a mechanism used in order to slowly re-build trust. If she has the same goal of keeping the marriage together, she should not have any issue with living 'open book' with you until that happens.

If you have to do that forever, I agree, that's not much of a marriage. The hope is over time you will find nothing & your urge to snoop will wane. I believe this is what you should be doing right now in conjunction with counseling for her. If her ability to stay faithful just isn't there, you have been strung along long enough....her current state may be temporary since she is pregnant and naturally 'nesting' so keep your guard up once the baby is born.


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