# It finally happened. (Long post)



## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

After 3 years of trying to work to fix my marriage the one thing I never though would happen, happened.

I no longer have any real sexual desire for my wife.

I've been with her for 14 years, and we've been married for 4. We married to get her on my health insurance
because she was having some health issues that were going to cost us a great deal. Before we were married
I had some minor issues with frequency of intimacy but it was something I could live with. 

After we were married the frequency dropped like a rock to once every month or four. It didn't take
long for me to start going crazy and looking for a way to fix it. At first I was doing the NG things
like doing everything for her in the hope that she would give me sex. I ramped up on the "romatic" things
like dinners, flowers, cards, etc. After about a year of none of that working I found this place and started
reading MEMs posts and Atholk's posts. I eventually read a few books that really helped me sort out who 
I was and why I was the way I was, etc.

Anyway, about two years ago I sat down and decided what *I* wanted out of my marraige. Something I had
never done before. In the past it was always about what made my wife happy. I decided that *I* wanted
a marriage where my wife and I persued at least one or two common interests. Where we explore our intimate 
lives and generally enjoy life. A marriage where we would be free to persue our own interests which the 
other didn't want to be involved in.

Up to that point, we basically had drifted to the point where we were leading seaparte lives in the same 
house. She did her thing and I did mine. She was delieriously happy. She didn't have to work. Didn't
have to have sex very often, and could spend all her time on the computer where she enjoyed herself.

Then I came along and effed up her perfect world.

We had the talk about sex frequency. I approached it as a compromise. I asked how often she would like sex 
(big mistake). She said she could probably go the rest of her life without it. I told her I could do it
every day. So where do we compromise? I told her once every few months wasn't enough. She claimed that we
did it at least once a week. We got no where.

I started keeping a log. 6 months later I had the same conversation stating that once every couple of months
wasn't enough. She claimed we did it at the minimum once every two weeks, sometimes once a week! I showed
her the spreadsheet I had with dates and times. HOW DARE I KEEP SUCH A LOG! I ONLY DID IT TO MAKE HER FEEL
INADEQUATE!

Eventually we agreed we would shoot for once a week. That lasted for about..........2 weeks. Then we were
back to once every two months or so.

We have gone through this cycle now, every few months for 2 years. My wife will tell you, and she can
be truthful about it that she has NEVER denied me sex. And she hasn't. I can't think of one time she did.
What she did do though was completely and totally IGNORE my advances. To the point that I would say to her
"I'm feeling a little frisky tonight. What do you say to that?" She would stare at her PC screen prenending 
not to hear me and reply something like, "hang on, I'll be with you in a minute or two." Then, 10 to 15 minutes
later she would say, "Now, what did you want?" Of course she knew this would put any one off, but she
never did turn me down. Our sex life degraded to her once every couple of months, comeing to me and saying, 
"Do you want to go the the bedroom?" Sexy, and romantic, no?

For years I held out hope that we could be saved. She is quite happy witht he status quo and I think she really thinks that
as long as she lets me complain about my lack of sex once every so often I'll let her alone and she can be happy.

I've been on a search for something for us to do together that would hopefully get us to connect again like
we did a few years ago. A few months ago I came across and activity that she seemed really excited about.
I decided that I would like to start toying around with it and asked her.

"Would you like to go with me?" 
She answered "Why would I want to do that?" 
I said, "Well, you seemed interested in it and I thought we could do it together."
She replied, "not interested."

to me that little MSN messanger converstaion was not only telling of the status of our relationship but
the more I thought about it the more it crushed me and pushed out that last little bit of hope I had for fixing things.

A few days later on my way to work I was having one of those random male sex thoughts when it suddenly dawned
on me I had finally lost all sexual attraction for my wife.

I no longer want to have sex with her, I no longer want to kiss her, etc. Over the last few weeks it has been
a strange feeling looking at my marriage with this type of detachment. Strange indeed.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

dictionary.com has a great definition for "parasite"



Boogsie said:


> After 3 years of trying to work to fix my marriage the one thing I never though would happen, happened.
> 
> I no longer have any real sexual desire for my wife.
> 
> ...


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## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

I starting to feel the same way after everything that has happened. I'm just glad I'm working on me right now


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

My wife has an identical twin sister....and Boogsie is my brother in law!

Boogsie - good to meet you!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

In my case I found it strangely liberating.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Sounds like you are finally free. That's a good thing.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

yes it is strangly liberating, but still dissappointing deep down.

is it possible that if you completely ignore her and become independent and mysterious that she will then begin to wonder why you stopped advances toward her?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Good for you Boogsie! It was a road that needed to be traveled for you to "move on", decreasing the inner dissapointment & ongoing suffering. I hope you find lasting sexual and emotional happiness with another. They DO so go hand in hand.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> yes it is strangely liberating, but still disappointing deep down.
> 
> is it possible that if you completely ignore her and become independent and mysterious that she will then begin to wonder why you stopped advances toward her?


Me? No that won't happen.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Runs like Dog said:


> Me? No that won't happen.


sorry RLD, that was for the OP


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

My wife and I have had the ups and downs, including an affair I had a few years ago (just an FYI for background).

I got the same lines about me always wanting sex and her exaggerating the frequency. 

And then it hit me... I was in a sexless marriage and it wasn't going to change and I was OK with that. I was at peace with that revelation. When she hinted that we might have sex one weekend afternoon (about the only time she liked having sex), I told her we'd see since I was taking my motorcycle out that afternoon.

But I'll be honest. After a couple of weeks of feeling good with myself, I started feeling resentful again. The only thing that had changed was what I was willing to accept. I still turned over my paycheck each week. Still took her out for dinners/date night/movies.

She was living EXACTLY how she wanted... nice life and not bothered by the messy existence of a sex life.

We had a long talk and I explained that while I agreed to monogamy, I didn't agree to celibacy, and once every 1-3 months was celibacy as far as I was concerned. We're still working on it.

So my bottom line message to you is that while you may be OK with the disconnection you feel now, it may not last.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

And just to be clear it's not that my wife turned into a She-Shrek. It's not a repulsion. It's quiet zen indifference.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Thanks for your post OP. Our stories are eerily similar except that I am not at the point of realizing that I no longer desire her. But I KNOW I am heading that way and have told her this...still no change.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> yes it is strangly liberating, but still dissappointing deep down.
> 
> is it possible that if you completely ignore her and become independent and mysterious that she will then begin to wonder why you stopped advances toward her?


I don't know. In the next week or so we are going to have one final discussion. Up till now I've not delivered the ultimatum. I have spent the last year working completely on myself. Finding happiness and doing things I like to do. Easter is this weekend. There will be no card. Her birthday is coming up in two weeks and I doubt there will be anything for that either.

The next discussion will be short and sweet. Do you want to stay married. If yes, then here is what I want to change. If you won't agree to this then we are done. If you do agree, until you start meeting mine, I will be meeting none of yours.

After years of having her shrug off sex because, well, its just sex, I, like an idiot have continued the kisses goodbye and hello, the good mornings, the making her coffee, helping her with various things, running to the store when she asks, etc. She is an acts of service type person and I am a physical touch. I have continued meeting her needs while she just ignores mine. 

Why does it make me feel bad to use her love language against her? MEM said in another post that the only way to make someone understand you point of view is to put them in your position. I WILL do this, but I won't like it. I just don't know if it is too late.


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

You sound like a nice guy and would do more then I can before I would have shown her the door.

I have bin in a sexless marriage (due to birth control), sexless = less then 5 times a month. We were fighting a few times a week about this stuff until we found a solution and moved on. I waiting a few months for this about I almost gave in, but I can't believe how you were able to deal with that for a year.


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