# Advice about sexual confidence



## tjt (Mar 8, 2014)

Hey guys,
I have been lurking on these forums for several months and finally decided to register and start a thread on my situation. I’m not married, but I am in a committed relationship that I see leading to marriage, so I would like to sort my issues out before I do. 

A little background: I am a 29 year old graduate student. Prior to my current girlfriend, I had one other girlfriend. I didn’t kiss a girl until college and I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 24. So, needless to say, I was a little slower in my sexual development than other guys. I think this has had some lingering effects on my confidence. The real confidence killer, though, was my first relationship. When my ex and I decided to have sex my experience consisted of one ONS. The first time went alright, but I left the next day to go to Europe for a 10 month research trip. We were long distance the whole time, except for maybe six trips home to see her. The second time we had sex I didn’t cum and it freaked me out. The next time we tried to have sex I lost my erection. This started a vicious cycle of intense performance anxiety. To top it off, my ex was not in the least bit helpful. Eventually she started in with some cruel taunts: “Can you use your fingers or do those not work either?” “Maybe I should buy a dildo.” You get the picture. Anyway, the relationship was dysfunctional to the core and it eventually imploded. I was left feeling very unconfident when it came to sex.

Fast forward a year and a half or so from my breakup. I met another girl (my current gf), and eventually we started dating. We had sex pretty early on, and I had some performance issues. Unlike my ex, she was compassionate and supportive. I used Cialis a few times to get over the hump. 

My gf loves me, and I try to be the best boyfriend I can to her. We are very affectionate with each other. We’ve lived together for several months now, and I don’t slack off when it comes to helping out around the house. She is very sweet and funny, and I feel like we are will be there for each other for the long haul. 

The issue, though, is my sexual self-confidence. Given my past, it’s never been that high and sometimes I have performance issues. I notice these often happen when I have anxiety and stresses in my life. Also, I watch porn. I am not a prolific user, but I feel guilty about watching it, especially because I know my girlfriend does not approve of it. Lately, if I feel like I am losing an erection during sex, I will think about porn to firm it up, but I hate doing that because I feel like I am using her to masturbate. When I feel like this I feel like I am LD, but I know that’s not true because I can be very aggressive and HD when I am confident. I can also wonder if I am attracted to my gf, which, again, I know is not true, but it can feel like it when I lose my erection.

Sorry for the rambling. I don’t even know if there’s a question in there. I guess I was hoping that a couple on this board has gone through an analogous situation and might be able to give me some advice. Any book suggestions, too, would be appreciated.


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## tjt (Mar 8, 2014)

I should add that I am not against counseling at all, but for the moment it's not feasible due to finances. I had a psychologist in the past, he assured me that fantasizing about others during sex is normal. I don't doubt him, but I feel guilty about it. My gf has confidence issues about her appearance and is strongly against porn, so I feel like I can't talk to her about some of my own anxieties without stoking hers.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It wouldn't hurt to talk to your gf about this. If your relationship is going to continue and grow, you two need to know each other. 

I had the same problem early in my relationship with Mrs. Conan. I know what your feeling, I have felt the same.

I was addicted to porn, not all the time usage but had to go there once in a while to keep me interested in sex.

I eventually broke the addiction and focused solely on my wife. The sex started getting way better, I didn't feel guilty and I got better at pleasing my wife as well.

If you guys can start opening up and really trusting each other in the bedroom, the sex will get better and both your confidence levels will rise. Always show excitement for each other and appreciation for whatever sex your partner is giving.

Women that feel beautiful and desired are generally sexier and more uninhibited in the bedroom. Men that are praised and appreciated are usually the same.

As uncomfortable as it may be, try laying off the porn, be honest and loving with your gf, tell her what you need and ask her to let you know what she wants with sex.

Might be awkward at first but that is part of the fun of learning each other and it will start to improve.

Make sure to set aside plenty of time for sex and romance, this stuff doesn't always come naturally and everyone can improve.

Best wishes. Sounds like you have a great girl.:smthumbup:


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## honeysuckle (Feb 23, 2014)

I think you need to reassure your g/f that the performance issues are nothing to do with how attractive you find her.
What about getting to know each other without PIV for 6 weeks, take the pressure of the need to perform, gain confidence in what you both like, how & where you both like to be touched,when you are confident at this re- introduce PIV. If your g/f is really into you she will understand & help you conquer this issue.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Why use porn when you are in a relationship?

I can understand why I do. -It is because my wife only wants routine sex once a week.

But why do you?

Also if you have to hide your porn use than you need to be questioning how sexually compatible your views on sex are.


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## guamanxuanz (Mar 8, 2014)

I had a psychologist in the past, he assured me that fantasizing about others during sex is normal.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

You seem to be dealing with multiple issues, but are conflating them all into the performance anxiety. The biggest issue I can identify is lack of communication between you and your gf about this topic. You need to open up some lines of communication and really hash out what you are actually insecure about.

Sex can be so much more than just erections and orgasm. If all of your focus is on those two aspects of sex, you will always find reasons to be insecure or unhappy. 

My wife and I both need/ed anti-depressants, and for the first 12-18 months of using them, neither one of us could orgasm. It was certainly frustrating at first, up to that point we could both bring each other to orgasm at will, and be able to do the same for ourselves when masturbating. It took patience and open communication, but we eventually figured out how to have all the intimacy and satisfaction of sex, without necessarily having orgasms at the end. After about a year and a half, our brains just sort of rewired themselves and we can orgasm at will once again.

Your gf seems supportive, so just pick a time when you both arent busy or stressed and start talking about your insecurities. Be as specific as you can, and figure out multiple ways of saying the same thing so your point is understood as you intend it to be. 

Once the ball is rolling in the communication department, make sure to discuss in detail your views on porn and figure out exactly what her issues with it are. My wife and I sometimes watch porn together, but so long as both of our physical/sexual needs are being met, we do not have issues with one another watching porn on our own. 

You should not enter into a marriage with this woman if you plan on keeping any parts of your life secret from her. There is no room for secrecy in a healthy marriage, and the sooner you learn to look for the middle ground together, the better things will go. 

Lastly, have you had all of your vitals checked recently? Are your hormone levels within acceptable ranges for your age? Do you have any issues with blood pressure? Have you always had anxiety, or is it specific to sex? Anxiety an stress can have major and lasting impact on your sex life. I typically have no issues getting or maintaining erections, most nights I can orgasm and stay hard, or at the very least be ready to go a few minutes later. If im totally wrapped up in day to day stress, not only is sex the last thing on my mind, but I actually have a more difficult time staying hard. 

Its common to hear that for women, sex starts in the mind, and is at the whim of her mood. To a certain degree, the same is true for a man, and while its easy to say that a guy can get off if a stiff breeze passes by, the reality is not quite so shallow.


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