# Husband Keeps Saying I Don't Need Dermatologist's Treatment



## theram (May 30, 2013)

I probably don't need it, but I WANT IT and there's nothing wrong with boosting somebody's self-confidence.

He's 50, I'm 42. We've been married for 10 years and all this time I've been nagging about getting a laser treatment to smooth out very old acne scars. I experienced bad acne during my adolescent year, and it resulted in scars all over my cheeks.

He kept saying I'm beautiful and I don't need it. He also pointed out how that kind of treatment doesn't really work. At some point I gave up talking about this matter and tried to move on cos he won't bend at all.

These part few years, as I entered 40, I got really concerned with my cellulite. Been having it for a decade or so, but now it's getting more and more, and it seems to get lower down my thighs. (I'm sure it's gonna reach my ankles in 5 years )

When I mentioned cellulite treatment to him, I heard this broken record AGAIN! "Beauty is not skin deep.. You are beautiful.. I married you for who you are.. blablabla.."

I told him not to dismiss my concern. He said he just wanted to make me feel better.

What can I say, I am not going to feel better until I get a treatment, period. Good things he say about me is not gonna boost my confidence in my scar and cellulite department.

How do I get him to listen and to understand me? I told him I'm gonna pay from my own pocket but he said it's not about the money. But then he went on about how costly such treatments are. 

I know they are expensive, but I also know that we (or I) can afford it. I don't know how to communicate with him:banghead:
I don't wanna just do it behind his back.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

I'd try...



> Honey. I appreciate that you find me beautiful as I am. It warms my heart. I do however feel that I need to have this procedure. For myself. I'd really appreciate your support and would like to schedule a consult soon so that I can explore option more. This is what I feel I need to help me to feel better about myself.
> 
> I understand that you may not feel I need this. That you don't support the procedure itself. But because you feel I'm already beautiful then I hope you can support my feelings about this, if not the procedure or need.



Disclaimer - I don't support it. I say be happy with yourself. Love yourself for who you are. Especially when you have someone in your life that also loves you for you and thinks you're beautiful already. But if you really feel it's what you need, then go for it.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

I hope Im not putting a damper on this but have you thought that when a lady suddenly starts pushing for apperance improvement that some guys secretly panic that it about the lady starting to look outside the marridge?

There have been cases (even on here) where a partner starts off by wanting to get in shape, then its off with the friends for weeks ends leaving partner at home then the texts and facebook game. I might be so far offf beam here, but perhaps hes actually happy as you are because "as you are " is safe for him. He might need convincing that you are still focused on him as well. (just a thought thats all)


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I'd say the same thing to my wife, and mean it sincerely.

But help me understand your reasons for not going foward with these procedures unless your husband is on board.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Is your feelings about your looks preventing you from being sexual with your husband?

If so, he may be fighting you on this, since if he accepts your idea of plastic surgery, then he is buying into your reason for not being sexual....


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

If you and your husband keep separate accounts and spend money individually on whatever you want, then I would simply tell him that you're doing it without his blessing.

If you keep joint accounts and spend money as a couple, then you need to come to an agreement.

Good luck.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

First it was scars now its cellulite. I'm worried that even these procedures won't make you feel better about yourself. 

I was all for fixing the scars but you lost me when you moved onto yet another procedure.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A Harley would improve his appearance and make him feel better about himself. I smell a compromise opportunity.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> First it was scars now its cellulite. I'm worried that even these procedures won't make you feel better about yourself.
> 
> I was all for fixing the scars but you lost me when you moved onto yet another procedure.


I have to concur with Mavash. Before you decide on any specific treatments, look inside and find out why.

I'm 41. Aging NEVER affected me in the slightest, until 40...WOW didn't see that coming. Suddenly my self esteem took a nose dive. I'm heavier (wife calls me beefy because my shoulders are still much wider than my waste LOL), my hair is thinner (although I still have a full head of hair), more nose hair, ear hair....all of the wonderful old man traits that happen with your hair LOL. SO I latched onto those issues with turning 40.

I took the time and looked at myself and rebuilt my confidence. I'm gradually working on thinning down, I'm not going to worry about my hair, I maintain my ears and nose, and I'm good with myself. 

Look within before you look for a doctor.

Also it actually sounds like you resent your husband a bit for saying no, instead of looking at WHY he's saying no. You do realize his NO's are HUGE compliments that show his love and attraction for you, right? So if you show any annoyance or resentment towards him, think about what you're ACTUALLY telling him. You're telling him to stop finding you attractive.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You need to WAKE UP and see the love that's right in front of you. He loves you the way you are. Quit trying to sabotage that!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

As a woman who has capitalized on my body and appearance throughout my life, there have been a few procedures I've wanted to get. The men in my life never supported it and were like your husband, and I felt pretty resentful at times.... for exactly the same reasons. "If it's my money, and will make me feel better about myself, why wouldn't you support me?" 

The last 5 years have changed my perspective gradually. First, I dated a man whose ex-wife had gotten a lap band and lost a ton of weight. He said it changed how they felt about each other. She was no longer the woman he could go to dinner with and enjoy a meal, because two teaspoons of food later, she was full. As this adjustment was taking place, she was also getting more attention from men around her, just as he was feeling alienated, and she had an affair. They divorced.

Then I met my husband. First thing... his best friend's wife had gotten some cosmetic surgery. He said he was glad she felt better about herself, but that it had had an effect on the way she treated him, too. I didn't hear details, because he said it to someone else within my earshot, but it was clear he was saddened by it.

When I mentioned to my now-husband what I wanted to do, he also said he hoped I'd change my mind. I let him know how frustrated and unsupported I'd felt all these years by such attitudes. He told me he would accept and support whatever I wanted to do, but hoped I would hear him out first. I said ok. 

He told me that his ex had gotten a tummy tuck (which is what I wanted to have done) and that he'd been ok with the idea until he saw what it did to her. She said it was far more traumatic than when a woman has a child, that it took months for her to recover and that the pain was intense for a long time. 

He also filled me in on his friend's wife's surgery. He said she'd also had a lot of difficulty afterward, and that right after having it done, she grew distant from her husband and treated him like he wasn't good enough for her for a couple years. Keep in mind my husband wasn't around when I'd heard the guy talking - and it has been six or eight years now. 

My husband said he felt that the emotional and physical demands were high, and that he felt afraid he'd lose me. 

Ever since that talk, I've occasionally thought about the lipo and boob job I'd love to have, but I no longer feel a desire to actually go do it. Maybe I'll change my mind one day, but having a guy who loves and appreciates me the way I am *does* matter a whole lot more to me than having a flat belly and perky t*ts. 

Whether you go behind your husband's back or get him to agree, theram, be prepared for it to change how you feel about each other. You will no longer look like the woman he loves.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

If you are thinking about a laser treatment that will remove acne scars I can understand but as Mavash states the goal posts and wish list are already moving. Basic scaring can be really upsetting for those of us who had acne fram hell. But when someone wants to go through the stages of fat removal, shape building, ehnacements I think their partner has a right to be concerned. He married you for what you are, He re-affirms his love of you from your comments on a regular basis. Many women would like a husban who says "I love" at least one per annum. How would you feel if you were continually telling your H that you love him the way he is and hes off wanting to have procedures to make him "feel better about himself". Would you be up for it and be there pushing him on or would you wonder why at this point in your life Hes making himself more acceptable not just to himself but to "others". 
You both need to be happy with what and why these things are being sought after. I suspect taht we hadve all seen a post somewhere that has a similar theme to your and following one of the partners accepting that the procedures where happening started looking elsewhere because the partner now isnt the one they married or committed to. 
I, have (very sadly) seen people and worked with people who had to have cosmetic procedures following terrible illness and accidents. They were forced to have these done just to be accepted in todays society NOT to feel good about themselves but to ease the effects of the people pointing and staring. So Im someoen who stands with what god gave you embrace and celebrate it unless its becoming life threatening or we'll all end up with bodies that look a clone of a barbie and ken doll. (AKA JOAN RIVERS).


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> A Harley would improve his appearance and make him feel better about himself. I smell a compromise opportunity.


I like this one!

Offer him a trade. Your skin surgery for something he wants but you disapprove of.

A little bartering never hurts.

I understand both the sides of this coin. For you, it's about self esteem and for him, it's about loving you for who you are.

If I had to choose a side, it would be yours. 

Somewhere along the line he needs to understand that how a woman sees herself is important to her (withing proper limts of course). And it then becomes his job to see to it you have proper self esteem. 

I hope you two work this out nicely together.


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## rogergrant (Dec 7, 2011)

You know, if he already finds you attractive, who are you trying to make yourself attractive for when you do this? You may be doing it for yourself, but it's others who will actually see you. In a way, you're saying that his affection and attraction isn't good enough on its own. That would be my perspective anyway.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

You are a grown woman. Not sure why you even need his permission at all? Do you have to have his permission to get your hair cut or have your nails done or lose 5 pounds?

Just do it and quit worrying about it.


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

I don't think a man can truly understand what something like this means to some women. I'm all for any cosmetic surgery that would make a person feel better about themselves. Yes, some women take it too far but that's a whole different issue. I've had my boobs done twice (switched from saline to silicone 10 years ago) 
I don't care what anyone else thinks about my fake boobs. I like them and they make me feel better about myself. My husband was worried that I would change after I had them done and told me he loved me exactly the way I was. Which is great and all but I didn't like me the way I was. I would have done it with or with out his support but luckily he came around and loves the outcome. The only change was in my self confidence, especially in bed. If something cosmetic changes the way your spouse treats you or feels about you, do you really want to be with that person anyway? 

I'm considering laser treatment on my face to help with the sun damage. I recently had moles removed because they were ugly. I say go for it if you can afford it and it will make you feel better about yourself.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

As a husband my concern would first be your physical health risks of the surgery. Especially something like lipo if that is what they do for cellulite. If your husband finds you attractive today as you are, why take a significant health risk for something like lipo?

The acne scars is a different story altogether. I presume the health risks are very minor with the laser treatments, and the self esteem improvements would probably be very positive. I had moderate acne as a teen and I clearly remember the embarrassment of it. Scarring would be a daily reminder of the old embarrassments. When I have a bad hair day I do feel like everyone is looking at my hair even though they probably aren't, so I can understand if you feel you want to get the acne scars repaired. FWIW, my 17 yr old son has pretty bad acne which I expect will leave some scars. When he gets a bit older I will fully support whatever treatments such as laser he might want to have.

When it comes to boob jobs or other significant cosmetic surgeries I would not want my spouse to undergo the risks just to chase some unobtainable externally imposed standard of beauty.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

It's not like there's a zero-sum game here. You can have both. You can graciously thank him for his genuine appreciation of your appearance while holding firm that you need this for yourself. His agreement isn't required, and I doubt he'll love you less if you go ahead with it.

But I'm also on board with the "don't bother" crowd. As someone who lost most of his hair in his early 20's, I can tell you that accepting the inevitable changes in your appearance as you age is a skill you'd damn well better learn, and none too soon. It's all downhill form here, and you're never going to be pleased with yourself if you keep chasing the next cosmetic procedure.


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

Flygirl said:


> I don't think a man can truly understand what something like this means to some women. I'm all for any cosmetic surgery that would make a person feel better about themselves.


Exactly. When women wear makeup and dress nicely, we don't do it only for our husbands to look at. It's about confidence in general. Women are judged more on physical appearance and youth than men are, so this is an issue men typically don't understand. You should go for it if you want to, as long as you don't get carried away with procedures of course, because some women do!


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