# Update on my situation going into the holidays



## placeholder (Mar 8, 2020)

3 1/2 years ago, after several years of my husband's several microaffairs (I'm not sure what you call seeking out other women to chat about sex, without emotional connection is called) and a couple PA, I was under the impression H and I were in post affair recovery mode. We had done MC and IC, and "worked" through rough patches (I thought) with some vigorous honesty. However, 3 1/2 years ago, while I was in the midst of caring for my ill father (vascular dementia caused a long-term illness), my husband decided to embark on other inappropriate relationship, an older woman he played an online game with. The disclosure of this also disclosed he was chatting sexually with other women, them sending him things. He acted like some innocent victim, they chose to send him these things to his personal email, he didn't ask and didn't reciprocate. (Ok, I'm a woman, and I pretty certain that it doesn't really happen this way with 3 women, maybe 1, not 3). 

Back to the older woman. I discovered a message to my husband through FB messenger. I would have been upset if he was chatting with someone with whom he no chance of meeting up, but I do have to say, it would have upset me less, even if they both seemed emotionally invested. It would have been more or less fantasy nonsense. I would be pissed. But I wouldn't be enraged.

However, this woman lived with 35 min of us. And they met up. And they had physical contact, affectionate even. He admitted after I saw the messages that though he felt shame for all this, and wasn't interested in kissing her, let alone going to next level, he may have done so as it was what she wanted and probably expected of him. She and her husband love each other, but he is not as sexual or intimate as she needs.  who cares. It's not our problem.


I know that after I discovered this and talked with my husband, I was adamant that he cut contact with her. No more games with her. No more Facebook with her. No more contact. It was bad enough he met up with her; bad enough he opened up this can of worms, and breached our post affair recovery, not nipping this before it got to this place (which was what we promised), but she seemed sort of stuck on him. I refused to share my marriage with this person who not only wanted sex with him, but also companionship. I know I'm odd, but I can almost understand with them having an emotional connection; or a physical connection, but not both. He said he would and yet it was months until he cut the ties. She did reach out the following year, which he vaguely disclosed and couldn't remember details.

Last year my father passed, and after awhile I was getting the vibes that H was up to some old tricks. Investigation on my part found the he made friends with a woman halfway across country on same online game. He did not tell me of how chatty they were. I did sneak and see. It was not the most risque but made me upset. He told her enjoyed their convos so much. He hid her from me and when I asked if he has anyone he chatted with, he claimed he ocassional chatted with this ow but not much, and all platonic but that he didn't want to deal with my interrogation. Which I knew was a lie. He clearly told her how much he liked talking to her. I really didn't have the energy to deal with this sh*t. My kids and I were in grief, and since she was super far away, I was like whatever. He's a lying a-hole. He never fully disclosed, though he promised he did, he just didn't like my inquiries. Because he got clever started to delete messages there, the convos never seemed connected, so clearly he was deleting them, I don't know the extent of the "friendship" except she hated cheaters because it happened to her, but she did inquire if I read their messages when he told her of my inquiries, as they used to say good morning and good night a few times a week. Somehow along the way, he started to ghost her. My guess was she got too demanding or something, dunno. She would continue to contact him in game, for months on end, and he ignored her. .

This past winter, I snooped and saw that he was connecting with the old PA partner, and this older woman who lives locally on FB. He gave me some lame excuses and lies. He said he really liked the older lady's posts and that is why he would search her, so much she was a top his lists to search if you typed her first initial. He also searched her husband enough he was top result as well. He said he didn't have contact with her. In fact, he had her, the old PA partner, and some other local woman on this blocked list (he gave lame excuse for the 3rd woman). He didn't get why I was so upset about the older lady, (or even the other two). So I stated you met up with her, she liked you and wanted sex. And he said it really wasn't a big deal and that it seemed worse than it really was but that he understood why this was so hurtful to me and that he wouldn't do this again.

And yet, he now follows her on FB and has her on his messenger again. He blocked her on 11/18 and then again on 11/25. I had a feeling that if I saw he had her blocked on a different dates, it would mean he has a communication system in place (he's done this before). So, I'm fairly certain they are connecting. I don't care if they are swapping recipes and gardening tips, without any sexual or affectionate context, I should know considering the history. Is this too much to demand?

I don't mention this to anyone. I told my mom and showed her the old messages and she seems to think that he is just like the attention she gives my h. My mom tells me to not look for trouble where there is none, but to me, this is a huge violation. As of recent contact, I didn't see any, so I assume he deleted it. Also fb messenger now has vanishing mode to help cheaters cheat. Her Facebook is not that interesting to follow. Her page is not unique and many men and other women, that he didn't make out with, are just as, or if not more interesting. He's a liar. I have her husband's info. I wonder how he would like this relationship.

H and I had a conversation the other day about his mental health. I brought it up as the kids were concerned. We spoke of his issues, and I asked if he is miserable with me and that we can just call it quits. He said he didn't want that. That it seemed that's what I want (I do, but can't make moves yet). He said he loves me, our family and life and that his troubles are not about us. He went on to say that he didn't know why he treated me the way he did in past (past--haha). He also played victim because I remember what he has said to me in past and things he's done, (because apparently I'm supposed to be a bubble-headed nitwit that doesn't care about who enters my marriage or where my husband's mouth or other body parts have been-- he didn't say this but I know he would prefer that) . He claimed I don't let the past go. I would if I could but how can I when it's still my present?? He seemed to be connecting with me in this conversation. But the same day he unblocked and reblocked this ow. H thinks that if he isn't the same type of a-hole now, that means he is not an a-hole. That's not how it works. He hates having these convos and seems to think it's not fair, and it just makes him upset and feel badly. So he avoids. We also talked about integrity and how we are supposed to make sure we don't associate with people that may compromise who we are, by disrespecting our boundaries. It's bizarre having this conversation with a person who is disrespecting me. I asked how he would feel if this was happening to our daughter, and he said that would be upsetting for him; or what I behaved the same way? He said he would hate it, but he would stay. Wtf

Besides detaching from relationship, which is not an immediate option, but in the works, how do I bide my time? Do I let him continue to think I am a fool?? I hate that appear to be such a simpleton to him.

TIA


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You need to just not rock the boat too much so it doesn't get too nasty but see a family law attorney and file for divorce. This guy has just breached your trust over and over and over again and there's no justification for that. I'm certain he's cheated more than once. 

See a family law attorney and give him 50/50 joint custody so that you too can have a life and some leisure or time to work extra or whatever. Don't make the typical mother mistake of trying to keep the kids as much as possible because that's where your heart is because you're really screwing yourself if you do. You owe it to yourself to have a life. He certainly will be. Sorry you're dealing with this. I don't think you should have any concern whatsoever right now about what he wants because he's given up that privilege with his actions.


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## placeholder (Mar 8, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You need to just not rock the boat too much so it doesn't get too nasty but see a family law attorney and file for divorce. This guy has just breached your trust over and over and over again and there's no justification for that. I'm certain he's cheated more than once.
> 
> See a family law attorney and give him 50/50 joint custody so that you too can have a life and some leisure or time to work extra or whatever. Don't make the typical mother mistake of trying to keep the kids as much as possible because that's where your heart is because you're really screwing yourself if you do. You owe it to yourself to have a life. He certainly will be. Sorry you're dealing with this. I don't think you should have any concern whatsoever right now about what he wants because he's given up that privilege with his actions.


Ok. I can see your points. 

I hate just sitting back and acting like it's all good. It feels absolutely awful to me. Worse than him doing whatever he does is him never having to deal with me and my response. I feel defeated. 

Unless in this case, I'm being a bit too worked up. Maybe it's nothing and he is annoyed with my knee jerk reaction. People deserve privacy. I am a proponent of privacy not secrecy. I find what he does secretive. Honestly, the past is the past. But this past keeps becoming the present. So I don't think I am being too worked up. 

When kids are involved, but older and can know details, if they ask betrayed parent questions about why, and infidelities, should they be answered honestly? 

I will be getting full custody regardless. He won't want it, and the kids won't want to be with him 1/2 time. And also, he can't be trusted with not introducing some skanky women to their lives. The kids aren't that young, which is one reason I "worked on" the marriage. They are older now, so it won't be an issue. 


Thank you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It’s not nothing. But he’s obviously determined to do as he pleases. Detach as much as possible until it’s time to move on.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

How on Earth do you think you can raise a family if you're not able to work full-time because you have the kids the whole time? Don't you think it's about time he took half the responsibility? And the kids aren't old enough to make their own decisions.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

placeholder said:


> 3 1/2 years ago, after several years of my husband's several microaffairs (I'm not sure what you call seeking out other women to chat about sex, without emotional connection is called) and a *couple PA,*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


OK, it's three strikes (actually more than that) and he's out now. It's clear that this relationship must end. He's not going to change. I think you do know that. 

So, what is the issue which prevents you from detaching now? ("not an immediate option", you say.) What must occur for it to become an option? That will give you a timeline to work with, and will help you to determine your best course of action.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

What is your purpose of writing to us here?

Are you wanting advice or recommendation on what you can do, or are you wanting us to tell you how brave and strong you are for enduring this and how bad he is for his inappropriate behavior?

I say this because you know full well who and what he is and you know you aren’t going to change him. 

But yet, you aren’t really doing anything about your situation. 

That’s ok, lots of people don’t really want to change their situation. Lots of people just want to vent and have people cheer the hero and boo the villain. 

Some just want to vent and have support and understanding. That’s ok. 

But be clear on what it is you want from us and what your objectives are.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

placeholder said:


> Ok. I can see your points.
> 
> I hate just sitting back and acting like it's all good. It feels absolutely awful to me. Worse than him doing whatever he does is him never having to deal with me and my response. I feel defeated.
> 
> ...



Come on @placeholder , what more can this man do to you until you wake up and take action! He has been walking all over your boundaries with so many inappropriate relationships for how long now and you are taking advice from your mother on not to rock the boat. Rock the boat, blow up his world!

1. go and see a lawyer and go scorched earth. Tell him to GTF out of the house and sort himself out.
2. He has cheated on you many many times, what is there to think about?
3. Tell your family, friends, whomever will listen.
4. Get some therapy and counselling for yourself to see why you put up with this POS and allow him to walk all over you the way you do.
5.. Start getting exercise, eating healthily, etc. Do you work? Are you financially independent, etc.?
There is no point in coming on here and listing out all the times he has cheated, he is a serial cheater and you will never change him. Best get rid of him.
Of course if you stay your life will be one of snooping on him and listing out his crimes, is that the way you want your future? Only you can make the change.


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