# Am I obligated to keep trying? - warning- long!



## sls1020 (May 26, 2009)

I'm sorry this is long, wanted to give a background at least.  I'm 30 with two small toddlers. I've been married for 7 years, together for 10. My dh has an older child whos 11. To be honest, dh and I were pretty irresponsible before our children came. We would spend too much and not pay bills on time, etc. After my oldest was born 3 years ago, I changed. Dh seemed to too. We bought a house, started to remodel it and get our lives on track. Dh became a volunteer ffighter and rescue, as well as red cross volunteer. A year and a half ago, thats all he started to want to do. He quit his good paying job that he'd had for two years because they were "mean to him" - his words. I tried to be supportive at first, but he went through job after job after job. All while still doing his volunteer work. 
All told he had about 7 different jobs last year. He paid more attention to his volunteering than he did to me, the kids, the house or the bills. We had over $300 worth of insulation and wood rot outside on the ground because he was too busy organizing a benefit for one of his volunteering duties. He nominated himself for this. Then when that was over he was too tired to do the work. I just couldn't get how he could have boundless energy and enthusiasm to help others and let his family flounder. Which is what we did. We went through the rest of the summer and all winter without insulation on the back part of our house. We're not rich by any means, live paycheck to paycheck and I could not afford to replace what went bad. So, we did without. 
I had enough around Christmas when I started feeling like he was messing around. He had started a new job around Thanksgiving. I begged him not to take it b/c of the miles, low pay, opportunity for layoff, etc. He did anyways. The straw came when he went out for his office Christmas party and didn't answer his phone or come back for hours. When he did come back I asked where he'd been and he said a restaurant. Then I saw on his wrist where he had a bar stamp from a different place. I asked why he lied and he said b/c he didn't want to listen to me gripe. I asked how much he spent and he said $40. He had also stopped and bought himself a new shirt, tshirts, and hat before the party instead of coming home to change. We didn't have hardly any money at the time so he admitted to spending the Christmas money his mom gave him for BOTH of us. On himself. All of it. Mind you, we were broke and I was cashing in change just to get the kids presents. So I told him to go. 
He went to his moms and after a few weeks, I asked him to come back, told him I was sorry, etc. He said for me to stop before I embarressed myself, he was in love with someone else. So I did. I got a job and put my kids in daycare with the help of dhs. I paid my bills on time, worked two jobs for a while, kept house, and took care of my kids on my own. With absolutely no help from him at all. Of any kind. 
A few months ago he came by to see the girls and said he wanted to get back together. We've been trying ever since and it's not working. Not only has he not given me any financial support, he owes me $500 that I gave him when we got our taxes back. He promised he'd pay me back...never seen it. However, he has spent over $1000 since then on two fancy parrots. His loves in life are his guns and his animals. Yet, he won't even give me money for diapers or daycare. Says he doesn't have it. I did go last week to a hearing so now he has to start paying child support. Else, they wouldn't help me with my daycare. So, I had no choice. 
Anyways, sorry for rambling, but I just wanted to know what others think I should do. The kids love him. Whenever we fight and he packs up what little he's brought with him (he's staying at his moms) they ask wheres daddy? I always say he's at work. I just want to know how much longer I'm obligated to keep trying. I loved him but don't like him much anymore. The only things he cares about are whats important to HIM. He's very selfish. I just don't know if I should stay with him b/c he's their dad. I know people say that's a horrible reason, but how many 2nd, 3rd, or 4th marriages have worked out? I had a stepdaughter...I know how hard it is and you never feel like she's yours, and its akward all the time. I don't want to put my girls in a blended family. My own moms been married 5 times and theirs a new dad, siblings, and grandparents each time. I will NOT put my kids through that. Just want to know what others would do in my situation.
Thanks!!


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

I can relate to some of your story. Ive got a stepmom and stepdad, so i know what its like to be in that situation. My dad was NEVER there..my stepdad raised me..

As for what you should do..he's packed his things and left and in my honest opinon, he should stay gone. Theres no need to continue to put your kids thru more hurt and pain then they need. If they are use to him being gone, then thats how it should stay. Dont use your kids as an excuse to stay with him, neither of you will be happy, from the sounds of things, you can do much better, and deserve much better, Im pretty sure you can find a man that will love both you and your kids the way you should be loved.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Well I think that volunteering is one thing, it's great to help. But he should do that sparingly and keep your focus on your family. 

Your husband is behaving like a single 19 year old living at home with his parents. Clothes, and 1,000 on parrots?? wtf? what married man with a wife and kids has extra money to burn on birds? that is just ridiculous. I mean i'm a musician, a working one, and I could blow about 5 grand in equipment easily and still want more but I don't. But freakin birds?? You have to take full control of finances until he grows up or forget it. Family budget like a business. That's insane. Do your kids a FAVOR and keep him away until he grows up or move on. These times are not for frivolous spending.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sls1020-
Is there another part to the story? Did you do anything to drive him away early on?


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## sls1020 (May 26, 2009)

Thank you all for your replies. MarkTwain, in answer to your question, I worked a 40 hour week job from the time we got together to the time I got pregnant with my oldest. Then I stayed home for two and a half years. We were remodeling the house and I was lonely for company so Yes, I can honestly say that I was probably a nag. But he never seemed to hear me, kwim? I would ask him something and it would never get resolved and then I'd have to ask again. Thus, making me a nag. I wasn't supportive of his volunteering this past year as I probably should have been. It was important to him but I just saw that it was taking away from the family. He would come up and try to kiss on me while I was working in the kitchen or with the grls and I would push him away. One - I was already so mad by this time and two- I was BUSY! If he genuinely cared for me, I thought, then he would do the things I asked that were important to me. So, yes, I probably pushed him away. And I'm the one who told him to leave. So there is a very big guilt trip on my part. However, now that he says he wants to come back, hes still just as immature and irresponsible as ever. Even worse. We just split 6000. I paid bills and bought air conditioners and insulation for the house, he got his gun out of hock (which he used to buy the birds) and a railbuggy. Didn't offer me any, didn't try to pay me anything back or buy anything for the kids. But he did have the nerve to ask me for some money so he could fix his railbuggy when it broke down. I said no. He says he won't help out with things and bills around the house until he feels like we are 100% but I can't feel that way until he starts showing some maturity and helping! 

S.


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## joshtried (Jun 14, 2009)

id say that your kids should have come before his railbuggy. if he cant see that, he doesnt need to be a part of any of yalls lifes. there are toys, and everyone needs a toy, a hobby, a something.. but 3k when your that far behind on caring for your kids... that aint right. 
id go back to the judge and have them get what you deserve..


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sls1020-

The only thing I can suggest, is to try and see if there is a 50/50 (in terms of fault and blame) principle operating here.


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## lightcatcher (Oct 28, 2009)

The thing I am trying out as an exercise is taking the "what would I advise a friend or family member to do if they were in my situation?" approach.

Sometimes we can be much harder on ourselves then we are on others.

Of course there are two sides to every story. I let my dh read what I posted here and I asked him if he saw things the way that I did. He said that he did. I asked too, if he thought I'd left anything out and did he have a different perspective. To this he said "no."

This is your forum to tell things from your perspective. (BTW - what other perspective would you have?) If your spouse(ex) needs help coping with the situation then he is perfectly free to get the support he needs from here or somewhere else.


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