# My wife had an abortion and our marriage is falling apart



## rogilp (Aug 4, 2017)

I am beginning to feel like this marriage is unsalvageable. Either way, I think it would have been in the long run. 

3 months ago my wife had an abortion. She had an IUD and we were not planning or ready for another pregnancy at all. Our first child almost ruined the marriage and we JUST got things back on track. My wife didn’t want an abortion and I didn’t want another child ever. It was a lose-lose situation. I’m done with babies and kids, one is more than enough. I did not force her to abort or give ultimatums, at the end of the day she made that decision. She now says that she felt pressured to do it by me and everyone else (even though no one knew about it) because she would have been viewed as forcing it on me. 

My wife’s reasons for choosing the abortion was because I didn’t want another child and never would want another child, and she didn’t want to force another child on me. Her reasonings were not for her. Our first pregnancy was an accident (caused by one drunken slip up and failed plan b). I did not want her to go through with that pregnancy either, she choose to and now we have a 3 year old. Who I love, but I do not want anymore. 

She felt like she forced me into the first and it wasn’t fair to force me into the second, so she aborted. Now she barely talks to me. She is upset all of the time. She cries a lot. She is very attached to our child. She sleeps in his room instead of ours. She holds him all the time. I have a vasectomy booked, which she is taking as an insult. That something is wrong with her and I don’t want kids with her. 

I’m not sure what to do at this point. It feels as if regardless of the choice, this marriage would have been over. We wouldn’t have survived another child, I’m sure of that. She won’t talk to me at all and is acting like a child.I have a hard time holding on when she clearly has given up.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

rogilp said:


> I am beginning to feel like this marriage is unsalvageable. Either way, I think it would have been in the long run.
> 
> 3 months ago my wife had an abortion. She had an IUD and we were not planning or ready for another pregnancy at all. Our first child almost ruined the marriage and we JUST got things back on track. My wife didn’t want an abortion and I didn’t want another child ever. It was a lose-lose situation. I’m done with babies and kids, one is more than enough. I did not force her to abort or give ultimatums, at the end of the day she made that decision. She now says that she felt pressured to do it by me and everyone else (even though no one knew about it) because she would have been viewed as forcing it on me.
> 
> ...


Nothing wrong with her.

She wants more kids.

You don't even want the one that you have.

Divorce amicably so that she can build the family that she wants with a partner that wants it as much as she does.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

....


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

This is one of those situations where there is no compromise. It's all or nothing. 

In your wife's shoes, I would have left my husband. I couldn't stay with a man capable of wanting our child killed.

She's regretting the abortion, she's likely depressed and devastated, resentful of you too probably. Nothing wrong with her wanting more children, nor you for not wanting them. Unfortunately those two things are not compatible long term.

Divorce her, and let her move on and find someone to build a family with.


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## troubledinma (May 30, 2016)

frusdil said:


> This is one of those situations where there is no compromise. It's all or nothing.
> 
> In your wife's shoes, I would have left my husband. I couldn't stay with a man capable of wanting our child killed.
> 
> ...


Gotta say, I agree. It's kind of fundamental. Don't waste her time. Don't waste yours. Try to stay in your child's life if you dare to, but she clearly wants a family. 

"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterward."


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

rogilp said:


> I am beginning to feel like this marriage is unsalvageable. Either way, I think it would have been in the long run.
> 
> 3 months ago my wife had an abortion. She had an IUD and we were not planning or ready for another pregnancy at all. Our first child almost ruined the marriage and we JUST got things back on track. My wife didn’t want an abortion and I didn’t want another child ever. It was a lose-lose situation. I’m done with babies and kids, one is more than enough. I did not force her to abort or give ultimatums, at the end of the day she made that decision. She now says that she felt pressured to do it by me and everyone else (even though no one knew about it) because she would have been viewed as forcing it on me.
> 
> ...


No matter what you both decide to do, I believe she would benefit from counselling.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*MODERATOR WARNING:-*

This thread is to help @rogilp and his wife get through the situation they are in.

It is *not* to be used as an opportunity for a discussion on the rights and wrongs of abortion.

If anyone wishes to start such a debate, please take it to the appropriate section of TAM.

Thank you for your cooperation.


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## rogilp (Aug 4, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> Nothing wrong with her.
> 
> She wants more kids.
> 
> ...


Correction: I didn't want the child that I now have. That doesn't mean that I want him or her to vanish from the planet now. 

She has said that she is fine without having more kids. She doesn't want to force me to have them and she doesn't want a divorce. I don't want to jump on the divorce train like there are no other options and without trying anything else.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Why so sure it wouldn't have survived another child? Adding a child isn't usually as big a change as when you have your first. 

There should be support groups in your area for her, women who have been there that can help. You really can't right now. I don't think you have the ability to understand her right now, no offence, and she needs to talk to someone who does. 
Stay clear of groups or counselling that is pro-life based. Call the clinic she went to for options, they may have some suggestions.


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## rogilp (Aug 4, 2017)

frusdil said:


> This is one of those situations where there is no compromise. It's all or nothing.
> 
> In your wife's shoes, I would have left my husband. I couldn't stay with a man capable of wanting our child killed.
> 
> ...


The decision was not about wanting a "child" killed. It was nothing but a bundle of cells that frequently miscarry without either parent even knowing. There was no child, yet. The decision was based on our family and what it could and could not handle. Was it ideal? No, but it was the best decision. I knew that it would be hard for my wife, that was a given, and I hate that it's hard for her. 

She has said that she would be fine without having more children. Prior to this she was pushing for me to get a vasectomy, if I wanted one. She wouldn't say that if it were not true, what would the point of that be? She may want more children, but she doesn't need it and has said it's not worth divorce. She already has a family.


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## rogilp (Aug 4, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Why so sure it wouldn't have survived another child? Adding a child isn't usually as big a change as when you have your first.
> 
> There should be support groups in your area for her, women who have been there that can help. You really can't right now. I don't think you have the ability to understand her right now, no offence, and she needs to talk to someone who does.
> Stay clear of groups or counselling that is pro-life based. Call the clinic she went to for options, they may have some suggestions.


Because the birth of our child nearly ruined our marriage. We hated each other up until recently, and our child is 3. We fought all the time. We had (still have) no intimacy. She *****ed non-stop, nothing I did was enough. And straight up because, I do not want another child. Ever. 

She refuses to go to counselling because she went once and it made her feel worse.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

rogilp said:


> Correction: I didn't want the child that I now have. That doesn't mean that I want him or her to vanish from the planet now.
> 
> *She has said that she is fine without having more kids. She doesn't want to force me to have them and she doesn't want a divorce.* I don't want to jump on the divorce train like there are no other options and without trying anything else.


Given her behavior, do you honestly believe that?

This is a very core incompatibility; it won't be resolved by wishful thinking, and any attempts by either of you to bend the will of the other will lead to lifelong resentment.

As for your "options", let's take stock:

1) You change your mind.

2) She changes her mind (note that you have no control over this).

3) One of you forces his or her will on the other (you get a vasectomy, she "forgets" her BC and then refuses to abort), leading to tons of grief and resentment and, likely, a very bitter divorce.

4) You (as in both of you) come to your senses, stop being selfish (again, both of you), do yourselves a huge favor, and divorce amicably.

By the way, she doesn't want you to get the vasectomy because she's hoping that you'll "come around" and agree to having more kids.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I can't profess to have any solutions for you, but I urge you to examine the reasons for not wanting another child. If there was nothing intrinsically wrong save and except for your wife's behavior during and after the pregnancy, then that is where you should be concentrating discussions. Your marriage is falling apart because you are both waging a power struggle. Stop. This is a partnership, and not a dictatorship. You need to get your wants and fears out on the table. The current situation only leads to bitterness, which generally leads to divorce.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rogilp said:


> The decision was not about wanting a "child" killed. It was nothing but a bundle of cells that frequently miscarry without either parent even knowing. There was no child, yet. The decision was based on our family and what it could and could not handle. Was it ideal? No, but it was the best decision. I knew that it would be hard for my wife, that was a given, and I hate that it's hard for her.
> 
> She has said that she would be fine without having more children. Prior to this she was pushing for me to get a vasectomy, if I wanted one. She wouldn't say that if it were not true, what would the point of that be? She may want more children, but she doesn't need it and has said it's not worth divorce. She already has a family.


I think this is the basis of the problem.

You see it was a bundle of cells. She sees it as a child. Many woman have this point of view. So she is mourning what she feels is the death of a baby. That might feel illogical to you, but from her point of view it is very logical.

Your wife needs to get into some intensive counseling. Your marriage is not very likely to survive this. But counseling might help.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

rogilp said:


> I am beginning to feel like this marriage is unsalvageable. Either way, I think it would have been in the long run.
> 
> 3 months ago my wife had an abortion. She had an IUD and we were not planning or ready for another pregnancy at all. Our first child almost ruined the marriage and we JUST got things back on track. My wife didn’t want an abortion and I didn’t want another child ever. It was a lose-lose situation. I’m done with babies and kids, one is more than enough. I did not force her to abort or give ultimatums, at the end of the day she made that decision. She now says that she felt pressured to do it by me and everyone else (even though no one knew about it) because she would have been viewed as forcing it on me.
> 
> ...


Neither of you have the same vision for your lives so it will not work. You need to really talk about this and make a plan to part. Did you guys talk about this when you got married? Big mistake. (

i know where you are coming from because my H and I did not either, i got pregnant, he wanted the child, I did not want to be pregnant, but once I had one, went on to have another one though he didn't want to. I supposed it was my body so I could do what I want (young and stupid me) but never realised the damage it did to our marriage as he loves our kids but feels I made decisions without his say so, I feel he was too busy partying so someone had to be an adult).

So sit down and discuss the future. If she wants more kids, maybe you divorce and she can meet someone who she can have a family with, plenty of guys out there who would be delighted to. YOu move on and find someone who doesn't want a family. If you stay in this marriage this will always be a huge stain on your marriage. She probably blames you for her having to get rid of your child. She may well need trauma counselling, which you should suggest. I think you do not know the emotional ramifications on her well being and are treating this like a business decision.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If nothing else, get that vasectomy. Given your steadfast resolve to not have another child, why didn't you do it before she had to have an abortion? She may be feeling a lot of resentment for having to give up the pregnancy and for you not taking responsibility for your own sex life. You don't want kids - get fixed.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

rogilp said:


> My wife didn’t want an abortion and I didn’t want another child ever.
> 
> She now says that she felt pressured to do it by me and everyone else (even though no one knew about it) because she would have been viewed as forcing it on me.
> 
> ...


And you honestly believe your wife doesn't want more children? She's hurting. She's mourning her lost baby and coping with her decision and the reasons for making that decision. She is retreating from you because she blames and resents you. Honestly, I think the only shot you have at saving this marriage is getting into counseling together and even then I'm not sure she will be able to get past this with you.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

She feels what she feels because your actions (direct fact) are mirroring your thoughts (perceived intentions) and she feels powerless in her pain for a choice she did not want but sacrificed her happiness for.

I believe she made a choice for your ego, not her spirit.

You clearly have two separate paths and I would say they vary as much as your versions of love.

Which is fine if you are both good with it... but it appears not.

There is stuff the ego says, and stuff the spirit says... which do you think is dominant for you?

One of them is much harder to find happiness in...


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

She may have really not wanted more children but still be having a hard time now. 
I absolutely do not want another child. But if I got pregnant I couldn't abort. I am not religious, I am not pro-life. I would defend a woman's right to choose every day. But I couldn't. 

My ex wanted me to abort my daughter. I didn't, but even feeling that pressure was horrible. The resentment never really goes away. Truly it's no surprise there was issues after your first child. There was for me too. 

The added resentment from this may just be too much.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Adding to what other people have already said:

Don't forget that no matter how early along it was when she terminated her pregnancy, she was technically pregnant for some amount of time and that means her body chemistry changed. She is only three months from that incident and it can take awhile for your hormones to settle after pregnancy. 

She got pregnant with an IUD? I had problems myself with getting pregnant while still on birth control (pills, not IUD) and when I discussed IUD with my doctor, we mutually decided it probably wasn't a good idea. The doctor had mentioned that if you get pregnant while you have the IUD in that it can cause complications for both the woman and her baby. Would she have been able to safely carry that baby to term anyway, I wonder? 

Regardless, it sounds like she wants your child to have a sibling, and that means she probably needs to move on and end this marriage if she wants that to happen. 

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

rogilp said:


> I am beginning to feel like this marriage is unsalvageable. Either way, I think it would have been in the long run.
> 
> 3 months ago my wife had an abortion. She had an IUD and we were not planning or ready for another pregnancy at all. Our first child almost ruined the marriage and we JUST got things back on track. My wife didn’t want an abortion and I didn’t want another child ever. It was a lose-lose situation. I’m done with babies and kids, one is more than enough. I did not force her to abort or give ultimatums, at the end of the day she made that decision. She now says that she felt pressured to do it by me and everyone else (even though no one knew about it) because she would have been viewed as forcing it on me.
> 
> ...


Wow. This is so incredibly sad. I think you are right and the marriage is not salvageable. It is so tragic your wife didn't realized this before she had the abortion. You would have ended up divorced regardless but she would not have to live the rest of her life with the pain and regret she clearly feels over having an abortion. You say she is acting like a child. It sounds to me like she is acting like a mother who is heartbroken and knows she can't undo what she has done and can't forgive herself (yet) for doing it for a marriage that wouldn't have survived either decision.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> She may have really not wanted more children but still be having a hard time now.
> I absolutely do not want another child. But if I got pregnant I couldn't abort. I am not religious, I am not pro-life. I would defend a woman's right to choose every day. But I couldn't.
> 
> My ex wanted me to abort my daughter. I didn't, but even feeling that pressure was horrible. The resentment never really goes away. Truly it's no surprise there was issues after your first child. There was for me too.
> ...


What you said. Exactlly. x 1,000.

That is exactly how I would feel. I could never love or feel loved by a man who pressured me to abort a child. I am pro-choice in the first trimester, but I really wish people would consider the long term emotional consequences before encouraging any woman to abort for practical reasons. And any time the reason is to make one partner happy, I just can't imagine that relationship surviving.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

rogilp said:


> I have a vasectomy booked, which she is taking as an insult. That something is wrong with her and I don’t want kids with her.


But the truth is that you don't want kids with her, so her impression is valid. It closes the door to any possibility, which is completely your choice , but for her it stings. 

She clearly wants more and you don't. I do not think she can just stuff or overcome her feelings. She may have made her choices in the past, but she my feel that they were wrong and that it's wrong to stay with a man who doesn't want more when she does. That feeling has twisted into resentment. 

And she would be correct IMO. You two are likely not compatible. Maybe she didn't want children at first, but people can change. What she may resent is that you didn't change with her. 

How do you know the plan B failed? Maybe she didn't take it. Maybe she loved you so much she really wanted a child with you. I'm speculating. 

I don't know. The way you talk about your wife and son, I really don't sense a whole lot of love. You don't want (more) children and that's fine. At least you are being honest. There is a lot of counseling needed if you want this relationship to be healed... And there are no guarantees. 

Personally I think you should go your separate ways so she has a chance to find a man that wants more kids with her, if that's what she wants in life.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

rogilp said:


> She has said that she is fine without having more kids. She doesn't want to force me to have them and she doesn't want a divorce. I don't want to jump on the divorce train like there are no other options and without trying anything else.


I would give it some time then, and try to find compassion for what she is going through. You sound pretty cold in your initial post when you say she is acting like a child. She is in considerable pain. A woman does not have to necessarily want more children to feel horribly guilty and sad about aborting one. Counseling is probably not a bad idea, but your compassion and understanding in the mean time might go a long way. 

Hormonally, biologically, women are wired to be mothers. To protect and nurture their children. I imagine that aborting your unborn child would cause serious emotional upheaval for many women. I know some who aborted thinking it was the "practical" thing to do - and they ended up feeling very negatively affected by the decision for many years.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I see this woman as caring deeply for you. She sacrificed a life within her for you and her family, not an easy thing for a woman to do. Could you make a similar sacrifice for her? It appears not. You come across as very self orientated. Maintaining a family takes a great deal of sacrifice. Some deem the sacrifice to be worth it and some do not. Families are not for the self absorbed. I must agree with others here that you two do not seem to be fundamentally compatible. You appear to be less concerned with how all of this affects your family and more concerned with how it affects you individually.

You are correct that it was a mass of cells and not a fully formed life form but you are not the incubator in which this life was forming and you cannot know the angst, remorse and guilt that your wife feels. Genetically programed over millions of years, her mindset is to protect, nurture and care for that life. She has gone against that basic instinct in an attempt to appease you and possible save her family. Do you comprehend that? It is monumental. What she needs from you at this point is reassurance, comfort and understanding. Can you provide that? If not then sadly I fear she may have done this in vain. Perhaps it would be prudent to allow her to be with someone that would sacrifice for her that way she has done for you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I sense a general lack of empathy and a lot of me,me,me from you. 

I'd suspect that has a lot to do with your marital issues.

You might consider some counseling for that, because someone who lacks empathy and is only concerned with what they want has no business being married.


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## Huntafox (Apr 28, 2017)

rogilp said:


> I am beginning to feel like this marriage is unsalvageable. Either way, I think it would have been in the long run.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




For a woman to have made that choice and gone through with it she is fighting her own guilt of what she had done. I think what she really need is for you to just be there for her even if at this time she doesn't feel like talking to you. She probably filtering through her own thoughts about everything. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

rogilp said:


> Correction: I didn't want the child that I now have. That doesn't mean that I want him or her to vanish from the planet now.


I would bet that your wife feels like that's exactly what happened with the abortion. She probably had no idea whatsoever how horrible it would be for her. She is regretting murdering her child. I am not trying to guilt you or make this situation worse. I am explaining to you how your wife is likely feeling and how she is likely placing the blame on your for not seeing that you already had a child and she killed it for you. And now in her grief and devastation you are thinking of divorcing her. Your wife needs serious professional help immediately in order to deal with this situation. Women like your wife are the ones who fall into serious mental health issues from this. It's nothing to mess around with.

Go get a vasectomy immediately. Apologize to your wife. Do whatever you can to help your wife through this. She is in crisis and she needs you. No matter what has happened in your marriage and even if you are thinking of divorce, do whatever you can to help her and line her up with someone who can help her cope specifically with the abortion. Women in your wife's position have a much higher risk of suicide.

I'm not saying this is all your fault. It's not. That is not my point at all. I'm trying to explain how your wife is probably feeling and what you can do to help her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

People have deep, instinctual programming even though we may fool ourselves into thinking we are making conscious decisions based on current facts. 

Women have a very deep, primal programming that tells them to find a mate that will provide good genetic material to father her offspring and will cleave on to her and be a good provider and protector for her and her offspring as they develop. 

Pretty much all young, single men will say they don't want children and then they eventually capitulate when the find the right woman and then they end up fathering children and eventually making somewhat passable fathers. She probably fooled herself into thinking your disinterest in children would fade away and that you would eventually soften your stance and would eventually want to have children and raise a family with her. 

Now that she has seen and experienced your disdain for children and your commitment to not having any more children with her, her subconscious and even her body are rejecting you on a deep, primal and subconscious level. 

She has lost all respect, esteem and love for you on a biological level. She no longer sees you as mate material on an instinctual level. 

This is not a choice. This is not something she can consciously control. 

And I do not see how any kind of counseling or therapy will be able to fix this. 

Counseling and therapy help people open channels of communications and help them express their wants and needs more effectively. They do not change people's core character or their biological programming. 

Her resentment and emotional and sexual detachment from you will most likely only increase as time goes on. 

She is feeling rejected and unwanted by you on pretty much a DNA level and she is seeing you as a poor mate choice on a cellular level as well. 

I don't see how this is fixable or reconcilable. 

My only advice is to try to be as decent of a father as you can to your current child and pay child support on time and let her go so that she can find a man that does want to have a family with her and you can find a woman who also does not want children.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> ....Now that she has seen and experienced your disdain for children and your commitment to not having any more children with her, *her subconscious and even her body are rejecting you on a deep, primal and subconscious level*.
> 
> She has lost all respect, esteem and love for you on a biological level. She no longer sees you as mate material on an instinctual level.
> 
> ...


That's what I think is happening too. Also, she's realizing she made the ultimate sacrifice for a man who is so self-centered, instead of considering what she's going through with concern and compassion, he thinks she "is acting like a child" for having a very normal reaction.

My guess is that as she's in another bed, holding her one child, she is thinking - I aborted your sibling for you father, I chose him over my unborn child and I realized now he was so not worth it. What have I done? Oh God, what have I done?"


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