# Oh my god you were all right



## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

You all told me he was up to something, but no I defended him, My husband was a good man, he wouldn't do anything like that.

Well what a fool I am. I have had my doubts about his commitment to trying again, and tonight I went through his phone. I have no idea why I did it. Call it woman's intuition.

Anyway it seems he has been back in contact with a woman he knew before we were married. She lives abroad, so its been emails and texts. He initially said she is just a friend , so I asked him to show me the emails. Surprise, he wont. 

I told him to leave straight away. H has gone. 

My heart really has broken this time


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

oh...I am so sorry to hear this....Are you ok? Stupid question....but I mean....are you really Ok? 

Women's intuition is usually dead on.....rediculous isn't it.

Take a few deep breaths. Did this just happen?


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

oh yeah just a couple of hours ago. 

am completely shell shocked


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## Punkie (Jan 24, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> oh yeah just a couple of hours ago.
> 
> am completely shell shocked


_:iagree: I would be shocked as well . Sad that you had to find out like that. _


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

What do I do now. I feel sick.

To think I trusted him, i feel so so bloody stupid.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

We were actually sat down to look at travel brochures to book our holiday, and he would have let us. 

How do people do this, how do they live with themselves. I feel like I cant breathe


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

aaawwww, mum...I'm so sorry. (((*** BIG HUGS ***))) I know what a shock it must have been! 

When I discovered my xgf married someone else behind my back, I honestly thought I'd have a heart attack! Obviously, I didn't, but it sure hurt like heck! (you know what word I really wanted to use!)

I'm glad you finally got him out...now change your locks, immediately! Separate your finances. File for divorce, get an order of protection to keep him away from you. Ask a lawyer what your options are.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I don't know how people can do it either. If I did, I'd probably be making money off the answer.  

I know the can't breathe feeling. It will pass...but not quickly. Come back and dump and vent...that's what we all do here! 

And we're all here to support each other, we all know the pain. 

Usually I'd recommend a drink or two to calm down and stop your mind from racing at 1000 miles per hour (or I guess KPH for you  ). Not to kill a bottle, just a couple to calm down and help you rest.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

That's terrible, I'm sorry!


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

No I am old fashioned enough to still work in MPH!!

I am reeling. I stayed calm with him though, despite the fact he wont answer any of my questions.I didn't even cry when he walked out of the house. 

Now I cant stop. I dont think he sees it as an affair as its emails and texts. To me its the same. If she lived here it would probably be a full blown affair. 

I cant think straight. God I have only just gone back to work and now this all goes tits up. 

I just feel so stupid, I should have listened to you all. I even asked him yesterday if there was anything he wanted to tell me and he said no. He admitted that if I hadn't found out then it would have carried on.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Not a bad idea....I know the hurt. Sending hugs as well......talk to yourself too. Tell yourself it will be alright. Do you have someone who can come over.....give you support.....someone that might be able to stay for at least one night?

If not...it's ok. Stay up late posting....one of us will be on to talk to you.....express your feelings.....and try to get angry. It beats the heck out of the pain......trust me....I know.

Take care....i'll be back to check on you soon.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I took his house keys from him. He has rung me already, but I cant speak to him. I just feel sick every time I think about it


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

It's okay.....just breathe.......I wouldn't talk to him tonight....give yourself time. 

Sounds like he needs to be out in the cold a while....leave him there to get a good chill.

Take care of you right now....


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

It's sounds like you have been extremely brave. 

Ignore his calls. You need time to breathe and to work through it.

Denise gave good advice - keep posting. Getting your thoughts and feelings out instead of letting them compile in your head will make a difference.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Am I such a bad person, I am sure I am a good person really.

So why do I feel so crap. I want to wake up and its not happened.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I know...I know....I so know.

You are not a bad person. I wish we were all dreaming....nightmares that we could wake up from...but we can't.

You are a good person....beautiful person who trusted and got hurt. It isn't a reflection on you.....never think that. it's his stupid mistake. And it is a stupid one. Sure he wishes he hadn't told you......you messed up his little fantasy life. GOOD FOR YOU.

it is just as bad as cheating in person....he gave emotional and personal time to some other woman. And you probably don't even know the half of it.....and you don't want to know the whole story. You know enough.

It will get better.....I promise. I know....know it for a fact. I have been there too many times before....know how it hurts...know the lies you tell yourself. know the blame and self loathing. But it is all misdirected. He is the one who is lacking....the one who is stupid and selfish and so wrong on so many levels.

I'm sure he doesn't want to be put out.....but he certainly deserves it. And you deserve so much more than all of this pain. You have kids right? You MUST BE STRONG...... you must for them. Their lives are in your hands. And they are good hands...strong hands...capable hands....


look at yourself....the you inside.....and know that you are good. You are worthy.....now tell youself that you are strong and say it until you believe it.

Soon enough...youll start believing it.

I'm hurting for you right now.......so don't think you are alone. You are not. keep talking......


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Thanks denise for your kind words.

all you said is so true. But right now my world has just fallen apart. 

I thought we were getting somewhere, I feel so gullible, so stupid. 
To think I was so worried about him that I went to see our family doctor. My God, he was probably depressed because of the guilt.

I hope he is in some **** hotel. 

This has probably given me what I needed to be angry. What I should have been in the first place. I have online access to the bank accounts, he doesn't, so I am just going to transfer most of the money into my single account.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

My god my kids. They are such great kids. Daughter is 24 and son is 20. They are good sensible kids. They will be devastated.

H has always preached honesty above all else to them. he is not who we thought he was


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I send my condolences too, the initial shock is soo hard.

If he has always preached honesty ask for that from him now if he wants to have communication from you.

After such a long relationship your actions may finially change his attitude about the way you should be treated and get him to devote all his attention to you.

I hope you come through this to get the life you want.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I would love some honesty, all he said is that he wont discuss it with me. i think I deserve more than that. BTW have just put a grand into my account!


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I am laughing right now...sorry. When you said you were going to transfer the money....sorry again....I shouldn't think it's funny at all, but dang.....a song comes to mind.

You get mad and stay mad. Take care of yourself and show him how strong and beautiful you really are.

Again....sorry for the humor....it's just that sometimes people get what's coming to them....the hard way. You know...reap what you sew. So....let him reap it.

Glad to hear your kids are older.....they will be more support than you might imagine. And don't worry about being gullible....it's not such a bad thing....innocence is a wonderful thing...love is a wonderful thing and trust is a delicate thing....wonder who will ever trust him now.

Humm.......and you sound a bit better than before. Good girl....keep it up.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

No you are right even I am smiling. 

Have transferred money already. H probably wont even realise as I do all the banking. Serves him right for leaving it all to me


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sorry to hear thew bad news but alls fair in love and war and divorce is war.
Glad you get your key and told him to take a hike.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I have always lived by the premise that I treat others how I wish to be treated and that is with care and respect. 

So now H is going to get back how he has treated me, with deceit and lies and disrespect. Lets see how he likes it.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

See its all making sense now. Thats why he was being so reasonable about money and stuff, its because he was guilty as hell.

I just feel so stupid. I know I shouldn't but I do. So would he have let us go on holiday, probably. Would he have carried on letting me think he was trying to make things work, probably.

Oh my word,what is going on in his head. I believed him, I really did. God its so late here and I still cant sleep. How on earth I am going to be able to work tomorrow I have no idea


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

You're NOT a bad person! You're wonderful! HE'S the idiot!

Dang, girl ((**HUGS **)) I know it hurts...let me catch on the posts...IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

After my hubby left...I had to go to work ......had maybe two hours of terrible sleep. if you can call it sleep. I was a wreck...but...I made it and the next day was better and then more better days followed.

I'm the type who doesn't like to be alone...so keeping busy even if i was a zombie ....helped. I cried at work and looked like Hell....excuse the term...but it was true. Then....I got some good adivice...stop thinking about the future. Think one day...heck one hour at at time.

I like to fill my mind with good things....what ever gets me through the night. Dream.....fantisize that you are somewhere else...the beach.....idk...use your imagination. your hubby on a roaster ....with canabals....or something. But did you say you were smiling? Yeah.....one smile at a time.

And it's right...the man has shown no remorse....won't even own up to his own crap. Make him squirm.

Do I sound a bit jaded.....hum.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Oh, girl...I'm so sorry. I've been reading the posts. Honesty is a good thing until it comes home to roost! This isn't something one's SO can be honest about! 

I know it hurts. I know you feel sick. Please keep coming here. Just write anything you want to. It's ok. Get it out, girl! I did the same thing. Sorry, have a couple of tears running down my cheeks. 

Dang (you know the word!), it sucks when you're treated like this! 

I'm so sorry, girl! If I had a magic lantern, I'd use it to fix everything (including myself)...but I don't...


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Not jaded at all. I need someone to tell me there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

Work is so hard, I see patients at home, Up till now I have found it so hard not to break down sometimes but don't know how I am going to manage.

Both kids are coming home tomorrow. I need to see them so bad. If I didn't have them I don't know how I would get through. H has nothing right now. His choice.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Its nearly 3am and I am so tired, but sleep is not coming.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Yes....the love of your kids will never go away. But their respect for him will be tainted. That is his problem.

You will make it .....don't think my feet ever touched the ground...I just leaned on God. I wake up some days and wonder how I got this far.....but here i am.

I have to deal with his crap daily. But somehow I make it through. I don't have any help with my three kids...he hasn't seen them....won't tell me where he lives.....but it's his loss. I am very angry with him....and it has helped.

Just get through one day...heck one hour at a time.

Wish I could fix things too...dcrim.....it's a helpless feeling when you witness others suffering like this....and you know the pain so well.

Take care...mumof2....keep posting


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I know it's late for you...you're 5 hours ahead of me... have a glass of wine, or two. Something to help you sleep, relax. Something to stop your mind from racing. 

This is a very traumatic time for you. Recognize that. It hurts, I know! We're here for you! (((*** HUGS ***)))!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Dang, I surely wish I could wrap my arms around you! I know it's late...I couldn't sleep either! 
Stay on here as long as you want! Post! Vent! Get it out!

Call in sick tomorrow...take a day or two off! When I found about xgf, I took 2 days off and missed a business trip! Cry! Get it out! Scream!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Mum,

You sound like a strong woman...at least you took a stand! One heck of a stand. I bet it hit him out of nowhere. 

One minute you are working on the marriage trying your best...not sure how to behave around him. The next minute you confront him, he's kicked to the curb, and the money transfered out of his reach!!! Very decisive on your part.

Stay out of contact until you can feel like you won't break down in front of him. Don't show your weakness-if possible.

You have the upper hand. He has some texts and e-mails from a fantasy person from his past. I can't believe these people!!!

One day at a time....


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Thanks everyone. Its a great comfort knowing you are all rooting for me. 

Now heres a question for you. I got her telephone number before H took his phone. What should I do with it. Its a home number too, not mobile. She is also married.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

H doesn't know I have it I don't think.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Ah, heck you know what to do!!! Call home and tell him!!!!!


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Omg....what power. You definately have the upper hand here.

dk what I would do. Use your power carefully. There is a difference in taking control and causing yourself more pain. My only concern is....will this hurt you more. if not....out the hussy.

Power woman....you have it.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I know.

I think I will ring in the morning. I don't care who answers (except the kids, she has 2 boys). She lives abroad and her H is foreign Poor chap he probably has no idea either.

Bet my H is pooping himself if he does know I have the number. As its the home one it will be difficult to ignore.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Girl, have a glass of wine...go to sleep...tomorrow is another day. Get some rest! I know it hurts...but get some sleep! You have the rest of your life to get over it and move on. It's close to 3am for you...go to sleep!!!!


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I agree.....sip some wine....read a book....get your mind on something else....(Impossible, I know) but give it a shot....you'll definately get sleepy.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

mumof2 said:


> Now heres a question for you. I got her telephone number before H took his phone. What should I do with it. Its a home number too, not mobile. She is also married.


keep calling it until the husband answers. or ask for him when SHE answers. the out the b!#@h. tell her husband of all the sordid details. make her life he77. seriously.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

mumof2 said:


> Bet my H is pooping himself if he does know I have the number. As its the home one it will be difficult to ignore.


call your wayward husband. ask him "do you think girlfriend's husband will be pissed WHEN he finds out she's [email protected]#king around on him?"


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Don't drink alcohol I am afraid. Maybe I should take it up. 

Am going off to bed, will try and sleep. UP in 4 hours. Goodness me I look terrible. Just as I was starting to recover from the last bombshell. What a pig!!!

Night everyone, and thanks again for your support. Its been just what I needed. xxx


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Un dk if you should take it up...expecially now. Don't fret..talk to you tomorrow....take care.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Goog night, mum! Sleep well.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Mum, just read the thread, it is midnight here in Texas. Am very sorry your worst fear is realized. 

Walk softly, Mum, please. It is hard to retract actions and words, never do things for which you will regret your actions and words. If you do make a call to this woman: have dignity and grace.

God be with you, Mum.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Hey there, just read your entire thread. Wanted to let you know there's one more person here who knows what you're going through...and feels your pain, your anger, your emptiness, and your shock.

I have called the OW before and she was married as well...petrified of her hubby finding out...do tread softly as most of them don't care really about what you're going through, they just care about what they're doing and whether they get caught or not. 

I agree with the other poster whom stated that you must decided whether contacting them will cause you more pain or not. I know first hand the pain you're going through right now is hell and it's very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I've only found a peak of light but I'm working on seeing the rest of it. But it does take time.

If you can handle then call her. Give her and him both something to tremble about...as b*tchy as it sounds I found great pleasure in watching said OW squirm at the notion of her hubby grabbing hold of the bullsh*t that was going on behind his back...and I also found great pleasure in the fact that my H at the time now my ex was peeved that I actually talked to her 

Since then said OW has seen the parts of my ex that everyone sees but him and has put it all behind her. I hope she is home with the man she made vows too and this was her one and only f*ck and she learned from it. 

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Sad that you had to come here and tell some posters they were right. 

I went to work looking like hell for a good 4 months, puffy eyes, no make up etc...girl I've been there...keep posting we're all here for you. Good bunch of folks on here. 

Rhea


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

morning . Well you were right sleep did sort of take over me and I have managed 3 hours. Better than nothing.

Have woken with a pounding head and a stone on my heart


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Hugs, Mum. Mornin' to you! Chin up, girl. You will make it! Sorry for the headache....know how lack of sleep does that....


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Right, I need a plan. 

How do you make a plan 

I suppose I need to pick myself up, get showered and go to work. I will endeavour to concentrate on the day to day stuff. I cant bear to think about anything else right now.

I don't think I can even cry anymore, I feel so numb.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Think about what you want to say. Then write it down. Then let it set for 24 hours. If you still want to do it after that, do it!

Dignity. That is what is called for in this case. Keep the moral upper hand no matter what. You have been wronged, and you will let them know, but in a way that says - oh too bad for you, man I feel sorry for you both, and here's why: 

*evil grin* 

More in a bit...


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

You are right. I havent shouted or screamed. I was very dignified, I surprised myself really. I think I was in shock.

I went to work this morning, but have just been sent straight home. Someone just asked how my evening was and that was it, a burbling crying wreck. That was not so dignified. I told them the truth, I had to really. I didn't do this. H did. 

Kids are both on their way home. I so need a hug. H rang me this morning to say he was sorry for the upset. 

Upset, he calls this upset. he has devastated our lives and he calls it upset. I think I am getting just a little angry. Have decided not to use telephone number just yet. I need to figure out what I am doing and saying first. I want them to think they are safe first.I dont want to act rashly.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Women's intuition is a wonderful thing. SOOO sorry for what you're going through. Emotional betrayal is the worst thing that can happen when you think you're in a committed relationship. Mine did the SAME thing to me. However my scumbag ex never even said sorry for the cruelty, hurt and pain he caused me. Lying through his teeth saying he wanted to work on our marriage and that he loved me. Yeah, two weeks later asked for a divorce and left for some skanky loser. I know exactly what you're going through. I think a lot of us do. When your dumba$$ husband realizes the colossal mistake he's made trust me, you need to be strong, keep respecting yourself and hold your head high. You made the right decision. It's going to be a tough row to hoe but GOOD FOR YOU!! I'm proud of you. You probably made his head spin by kicking him to the curb. ((HUGS))) You'll get through with the grace of god and your family!! Good Luck


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Why oh why do people do it to each other. I know I really don't deserve this.

We have been together 25 years. It feels like it has been wiped out in a millisecond. 

My family are great, just spoken to my sister who has been wonderful. Ironically its always been me in the past sorting out everyone elses problems, when its your own its another story all together. 

H asked if he could have some keys to get some stuff from the house. Told him no. He can wait till I am ready and he is not coming into this house when I am not here as he could take anything and I need some control.


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## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

You are quite right but I would suggest geting a lawyer to sort out the legal side as soon as possible as unfortunately at the moment if the house is a matrimonial home he still has rights to it. Get the ball started so he know you are not taking it sitting down.

It will come to a point when you have done all your crying and cannot cry any more but you need to be strong.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

He wouldn't dare insist on anything at the minute. He is feeling mega guilty so wont push me or the kids right now.

I am going to make an appointment to see a solicitor asap. Just need to stop crying first. But the money from the equity in the house is all I have so I need to be sure I can get all I am entitled too. And H earns around 4-5 times my salary. Kids are grown but youngest is at uni, so H can pay for that. He will have no problem with giving kids money.

This is why he was so reasonable to start with, guilt.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

mumof2, I just read your posts. I'm so sorry you are facing this. I really understand what you are going thru. Unfortunately, it does take TIME to heal from the betrayal. 

That's wonderful you have the woman's home phone number! Give it a few days. Let yourself calm down, so you can calmly present all of this to her husband. 

Anyway, hang in there. And here's another HUG for you!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Good morning, mum. I'm glad you got some sleep, I know it wasn't much. 

You just need some time for your brain to slow down. 

It's good you got sent home. I ended up taking 2 days off from work myself (missed a business trip, too!). Talked to a work buddy in my case (cried and babbled) and he told everyone I had a personal emergency. 

Glad the kids are on the way, you need the hugs. 

No one deserves this, girl. But it still happens. I'm so sorry...


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I feel OK until H rings or something then its all there again. 

Am just going to screen calls. I don't want to see him and neither do the children. We are going to concentrate on ourselves and he has made his choice so he can worry about himself, I am done doing all that.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

(hugs) Hang in there... things will get better


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Mum, 

It is a great idea to let him FEEL the consequences. Let him figure out how he's getting his clothes, etc. Keep screening those calls. You were the one a few days ago chasing him. Now, let him chase you. It may take time.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

The kids are great, but very hurt.

They do know as they are 20 and 24, so they can see what is going on. They are adamant at the minute that they want nothing to do with him. I have been saying to them that he is and always will be their dad but they are so angry.

They feel that they have been betrayed too, H doesn't seem to see that though.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I'm so sorry you are going thru this. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders though. H won't see a LOT that you would think he would understand. He may never. Just take care of yourself, ok?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Kids want to always choose sides. No matter what the age. Considering what has happened they will choose your side. It's good that you are allowing them to vent but not MAKING them choose sides. 

Keep strong. Or at least pretend to be in front of your husband!!! I know how that goes.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

As a child of divorce....it isn't what he did to you that makes them so angry as much as what he is. A liar. Trust is important.....and even adult children don't like when one of their parents are a liar...and a cheat.

I made my own decision about my father...or that is what he calls himself.....he is no more that a worthless sperm doner. But that was his choice.....no he was worse. A sperm doner wouldn't have hurt us like he did.

Anyway...i digress......let your kids feel what they feel. let them comfort you and comfort them. They are old enough to make their own decisions....and it's his loss.

Keep going....don't talk to him if you don't want. He doesn't deserve it. Did you out the woman?


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I haven't outed the OW just yet, I am biding my time and letting the dust settle.

He has spoken to our son today but daughter is flatly refusing to have anything to do with him. I have just told her that I will let her make her own decisions but just because she feels like this right now, doesn't mean she wont feel differently in the future. Sadly she cant see that right now.

He is a liar and that is what neither of the kids or I can forgive. He is telling them it is just a friendship with the OW but do you put her under a different name and hide all messages if it is just a friendship. I think not.

Do you know the worst thing, he is telling them that he is doing all this because of me, I made him unhappy so that makes it all alright. Never mind the severe depression, trouble at work and body image problems. They obviously have no bearing on his unhappiness right now.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

He's deflecting onto you. Ignore it, it is just another way for him to try to shift the guilty away from himself, Mum.

It is CLEAR from ALL your postings regarding "what was up?" that you were concerned over his health, his issues, his happiness. Very clear. 

You gave HIM the benefit of the doubt, you didn't distrust without reason. Giving him the benefit of the doubt is admirable, Mum.

Kudos, to you.:smthumbup: 

Glad they gave you the day off...good deal. Hugs.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Sorry to hear this but I am proud of you sticking to your guns. Right now all of us respect the hell out of you.

Kudos to you.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

GAsoccerman said:


> Sorry to hear this but I am proud of you sticking to your guns. Right now all of us respect the hell out of you.
> 
> Kudos to you.


:iagree:

You're doing great. Hang it there. You got through one whole day already.


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## Heidiw (Jul 2, 2009)

Mum
I am proud of you for confronting the situation & kicking his sorry butt to the curb. I am going thru something simular but my husband had 3 online "friends" who either married with kids or in a long term relationship with kids.

When he told me about the first one I believed him about friends because she was married. All of a sudden there was another & another. We have been together 14yrs & have a daughter together. She is only 10yrs old & knew her dad was up to something. I guess I just wanted to believe it was nothing but I knew deep down inside it wasn't. He had done this before but actually met the woman & slept with her. Even though he hadn't met these women I found out about the hooker. That was enough to end this marriage.

Life does go on & get better I promise. Your daughter is allowed to be mad & at some point the H will have to repair that relationship. He also needs to remember that blaming you will do nothing to fix what he has done. 

My H is with our daughter now. She hasn't spoke to him in a month & she was the one that made the first move to work on things with her dad. His face yesterday when he saw her lit up & I was happy for both of them. I did give him a friend hug but my feelings for him were just that nothing.

Yes I am moving on possibly filing chapter 7 & considering giving up the house as well. Part of me wants a clean slate. I have also met someone else who has really helped me through a lot of this. My daughter was the one who pointed out that she has never seen me smile so much when I talk to this other man. Right now we are just working on friendship & just waiting to see what happens down the road. I am hoping to file for divorce in a month or so. I want to be free of my past & move on with our daughter. Some day my stbx & I will be friends right now we just need our space.

Keep focusing on yourself & your kids. You can do it I promise!!!


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Oh I just cant seem to function anymore. H is just his normal matter of fact self and it is killing me, I cant bear it.

Its like I don't know him anymore, who is this man who says and does these things. My H was never a man who would behave this way.

The OW is his first love you know. He seems to be living in a fantasy world. They haven't met in over 20 years but he seems totally fixated on her. She is married with kids , but he been wondering what it would have been like if they had got together. Can he not see that this is not real life, no he cant.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

If he was to read anything about mid-life crisis and depression he would see that it is him, classic, textbook. 

He just cant or wont see it and I am done trying to help. Its just taking me down with him, and I cant do that.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> If he was to read anything about mid-life crisis and depression he would see that it is him, classic, textbook.
> 
> He just cant or wont see it and I am done trying to help. Its just taking me down with him, and I cant do that.


:iagree: my ex is the same way, classic text book, all the symptoms etc...nope they don't see it, everyone sees it BUT them.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

That's the ^&*(^&* thing about depression. When you're in it, you are least able to recognize it.

I too am proud of you mum. Hang in there, and stay strong.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> I feel OK until H rings or something then its all there again.
> 
> Am just going to screen calls. I don't want to see him and neither do the children. We are going to concentrate on ourselves and he has made his choice so he can worry about himself, I am done doing all that.


Good thinking. If it were me, I'd be doing the same thing.


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## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

You are doing the right thing, let him see that life moves on without him.

stay positive.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I cant begin to thank you all enough for the support. 

Its not been a good day today, I have been in bits. Just when I thought we were getting somewhere all this happened and I am back to square one. 

I know he cant see what is happening and I also know that some of this is down to the depression, but I cant help someone who doesn't think they need any. 

I now have 2 kids, a full time job , house, 2 cats to worry about whilst he just has himself and that is how it will have to be for now. I have not got the energy to cope with him too.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I forgot to mention that I am going to see a counsellor tomorrow morning in my own. I need to get my head around what is going on, and I need to be strong for myself and the kids. 

I just need to talk it through with someone totally unconnected and unbiased I think. Its time to get moving, H can stay in his pit of self destruction thats his problem.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

One of the times I caught my ex cheating on me, it was emails they were writing back and forth. They worked together. They would say they loved each other and how hard it was not to be able to hold each other while they were at work...etc...etc... She and I both ended up pregnant at the same time. I don't know if it's his. She was married at the time.

I confronted him, he said that they were just friends and the email thing was just joking around. HUH????? Oh yeah, that's real believable.

I confronted her....she lied. I think they always do. She wrote me an email scolding me for not treating him better. Told me I didn't know how to appreciate him. The typical: it's my fault he's cheating thing. I wrote her back and listed all the things he'd done to me and how I'd stuck by him for 15 years, and that she had no idea what my situation was. 

I thought about getting a hold of her hubby and telling him. What stopped me was the fact that I wanted to be sure I was doing it for her hubby's sake and not out of spite.

What I'm trying to say is do what you need to do, but do it for the right reasons. Be the bigger better person. Karma is a (you know what). Stay busy and utilize your friends and family, that's what they're there for. Hang in there!!!!


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I haven't phoned yet. I am so aware of the hurt it has caused my family and she has 2 teenage boys and an innocent husband. Do I really want to put them through all this. 

I would dearly love to speak to her, but I am just waiting a bit longer. I want her to feel safe that I am bot going to do anything.

H is insisting it is just a friendship to everyone. If he says it enough he will believe it. I don't and neither do the kids!!!


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I'm just wondering what you are hoping to hear from her. All she's going to tell you is that they are just friends, or maybe that she is soooo sorry. 

As far as talking to her hubby, that's a tricky one. Personally, I'm a "I'd rather know than not know" kind of person. So, I'd want someone to tell me no matter how devistating at the moment, so I could deal with it and get past it. But not everyone is that way. 

Also, she could very easily paint you as the crazy wife of an old friend.

Of course your H is saying it's just a friendship. That way he doesn't look like a creep.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Scarlet, I am with you on the rather knowing than not. Her H is being deceived just like me and it sucks. But being the one who tells him is quite scary. Maybe I should but am trying not to make any rash decisions right now. 

I have had some really good friends around me today. They are mutual friends of H and I, but it has been so good to speak to them and realise that I am not going mad after all!!!!


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I absolutely would _not_ contact her.

First, as _tempting_ as it is, it is a _weakness born of curiosity_. 

Second, _she does not deserve your time and attention_. 

You need to focus on your "ailing" husband and partner. 
If this is the _first_ time he's done this in _twenty four years_, then this speaks very well of his character, Mum. It also tells you he is having an internal issue, the mid-life realization "life is not forever...". 

I DID that, I _know_ it was due to my daughter's cancer issue, it also coincided with my "mid-life package". After I sat down and reviewed how I went off the deep end (per se) it is a WONDER my dh does still love me! It was so BAD, what I did to him! 

But MY dh's continued forgiveness, love and support got us through it. It made us really much stronger as a couple, gave us more history and experience as a unit. A marriage isn't about always doing life in _lock-step_, it is also about one carrying the other _when the other stumbles and falls_. (Now, if he keeps falling down, that is a whole other nut to crack, LOL).

_Everyone has weak moments in life_. No one can call themselves _Jesus_. You gave him the benefit of the doubt before knowing what was happening in his head. Your dh has fallen and has mud on his freaking face, big time. 

Now you know what was going on in his head, now take the time and effort to at least let him get to the point where you TWO can sit in a room, with a counselor mediating, and _let him discuss calmly with you what brought him to do what he has done_. You need to get to a point where you can sit calmly with him, not be angry, but have compassion. 

Giving compassion never hurt anyone. If after he explains and you consider his whys, etc..._.then_ you decide if you want him any more.

Everything is not black and white in a long term marriage. 
*You know him better than anyone on this board. And you MAY know him better than he knows himself. He is in crisis right there along with you. *

I agree with the kicking him out for the time being. I think you should keep control of your finances, house, etc. But I do not think he should be kicked to the curb....yet. 

You need to smack him up beside the head and make him SEE he has gravely erred and having HIM make his amends to you, then you decide if you want to accept him back into your "safety zone". 

You don't do that by being a royal, unreasonable, b%tch as some may think......save that for when you are ready to "divide property and conquer". 

In my book love is one thing, financial security another.....:rofl:


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

What does a child do when you are angry, crying, yelling and threaten when they screw up? 

They HIDE *more* information.:scratchhead:

Mum, you will get *truth* from him if you treat him with calm, honesty, love, and safety. Just how you treat children when you want to know what is "up" with them....


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Sandy that has made me cry. I know you are right.

My gut instinct is that he is my husband and I love him and I would do anything to help him and just now I have written him an email to tell him that. Even if the end result is still divorce, I cant help that.

But the other part of me just cant take any more hurt. I am so down right now. I got sent home from work as I just cant stop crying. I am usually so in control at work, am really trying but this new revelation has just knocked the stuffing out of me. Just when I thought it was getting better. I feel such a fool.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I have been very calm with him. Even when I asked him to leave I managed to hold on until he was going out the door. It broke my heart good and proper.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I really agree with the last 2 posts from Sandy. Having gone thru what I went thru with MY H...I agree: You MAY know him better than he knows himself right now. Thats how it was with my H when he was depressed and went off the deep end, almost wrecking our marriage. Yesterday, he told me that he would NOT be who he is becoming now, without me. Yes, it tore me apart, but I hung in there, and the changes in him are real and are amazing. The marriage we are building NOW, is worth every ounce of the struggle. 

Hang in there, you can do it!


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Its good to know that someone has come through the same thing.

I am so torn between wanting to help him with all his issues and the fact he has lied deliberately to me. He does have some control over his choices too.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

There is good advice here. However, you can't REALLY do the work for him. He has to do ALL of the work himself. 

He lied and what he did was wrong. He does need consequences like we all do.

However, make sure that if and when he comes back into your life, that you set the boundaries. You are in control now. Tell him what your expectations are from him as a husband (complete honesty, working on marriage with counselor, severe contact with OW, etc). Don't allow him to come back the marriage because he is lonely or afraid. Allow him when he has apologized, took resonsibility and is ready to WORK!!


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

That is exactly what my son has just been saying. I am not going to make it easy for him. Tomorrow he is only coming round at my convenience, and on my terms. He has been calling the shots all along, not now. I need to be cool, calm and collected. 

I found that writing things down seems to be helping. It seems to make it alot clearer. I don't want to fight, but I don't want to end up the one who is a burbling wreck as usual, so am going to plan what I want to say.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

well, it's just my opinion...so take it as that. I disagree that you need to do anything to help him in anyway. He made his choices and twenty years of fidelity do not make up for this one little bit. What ever he is doing...he is an adult. We make too many excuses for our bad behaviour in society today....and that is what is wrong with this world.


No one is expected to grow up and do what is right....what is hard and what is mature.

Having said that....forgiveness is divine...it is healing for you....but...it doesn't change relationships. Just because you forgive someone does not excuse their behavior or give them the right to come back into your life...it simply means that you are saying....okay...you screwed up.....and you deserve to be a screw up if that is what you want. I don't hate you....but you aren't going to be allowed to hurt me again. Hope you get better with all honest and truth. That is forgiveness....for you....not for them.

If he came to you...professed (like an adult) that he was sooooo wrong and that he would get help for his stupidity...(lets call a spade a spade) then you might be okay. It might work....but giving him the ....I'll help you be better or help you change and I'll love you through all of this....Is so not going to help. Bet he would love that.....but.....it is making this way tooo easy on him. He needs to face the conquesences of his actions.....don't we all have to do that? As an adult....who cares why he is doing it.....he is doing it. Let him pay the piper.

You did your part......I wouldn't give him the time of day until he showed up at the house with a stack of appology notes....six dozen roses and his tail tucked tightly between his knees....then...only then...the time. OH yes honey ...it's six oclock...see ya later.

No one is ever going to grow up if they are treated like a victem of their own stupidity......a growing disease in this country...heck...world.

Take care mumof 2 and remember....this is only MY opinion...not trying to force it on you or demean anyone elses post. We all have our opinions....this was just mine.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

lots to read there!!

I am not going to make this easy for him by any means. He is certainly not coming back into this house.

I should have told him to leave when he first started the old ILYB, I wont make that mistake again. 

On the other hand, he is ill and as a nurse I cant ignore that. I will do what I can to help but believe me that does not involve him coming back. That will only happen if he asks for it, for all the right reasons because he wants to make a go of our marriage, and right now I dont think he knows what he wants.

Being ill though does not mean he doesnt have to take any responsibility for his actions either. After all not everyone with depression deceives their partners.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I have delt with depression....and no...it didn't ever involve decieving my husband....also had anxiety disorder....bad panic attacks...never transferred to lying or cheating...or even attempting to cheat. So...I agree.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Too right Denise.

I took my marriage seriously and never looked elsewhere. It wouldnt have entered my head. It just makes me feel sick to think about it.

He has asked if he can come round tomorrow evening. He wants to talk and he needs some things from the house. I feel nauseous every time I think about it. I really don't know how I will feel.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

You will figure out the best path in your heart, Mum. First and primary do what you need to do for YOU right now, to be able to take each day at a time.

Sit and soak in a tub of warm water, some quiet and gentle music, with candles, phones off, and a note on the door "do not disturb". 

If you simply can't stop crying or sleep, get the docs to give you some anti-anxiety meds to take the edge off the emotions for a week until you get your footing firm again.

Don't act in haste, other than to keep DH from shutting you out of finances that can't be recovered...that sort of thing.

Again...hugs.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

hum....know what the police told me....my hubby could get his clothes and tooth brush. I was nice....let him get his playstation tv and his recliner...he took the tv stand and three tables with him....and then wanted more. Yep....kindness gets you everywhere.

kinda wish i'd kept that stuff adn pawned it....then what money would he have to spend on his girlfriend would go to buy a new Ps3....and games. oh hind sight is 20\20.

now it'll be my engagement ring and diamond necklace he gave me on our wedding day...but who cares...they mean little to me now.

Just don't get sucked into believeing he is so sick that he needs you.....he needs a reality check...life sucks most of the time...and then we make it worse by doing stupid stuff. he would have to face that fact if he wanted to even see me again....just my opinion, tho.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I had depression and never strayed once!! No excuses for him....

Just as diabetes doesn't make you have an affair, neither does depression.

Be strong. You already are...


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I am certainly trying. Today for the first time I have told most close family and friends. Only my brother and sister knew and one very good friend, but today I thought H has alot to answer for so why shouldn't every one know.

I dont have anything to hide, but he had made me feel ashamed by making it out to be all my fault. I had avoided telling people. I want him to have to say it to others and try and justify.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

The shock of all this will subside in a few days although the anger may linger for years.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Oh and I am letting our son take H playstation back to uni with him!!!

H only wants clothes. He probably needs suits and shirts for work. Cant imagine there is much else he could put in his hotel room. Shame


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

yeah.. shame on him !!!


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Hi Mum 

Sorry to join so late but I just wanted to say my thoughts are with you. I know the feeling and its devastating. Its important for you to be a strong as you possibly can right now. Make sure no oner takes advantage of you.

The shock will wear off soon
The sick feeling will follow
The anger all depends on you, and how you handle it
The pain............well, I still carry that cross and probably will for some time. Just remember those around you who love you can lighten your burden.

Take care.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I wake up and feel so sick all the time. I haven't eaten since he went. I am a sensible woman, but it feels like I am losing control of myself. 

I cant sit still, I cant sleep.I don't know what to do. I cant believe I am letting him do this to me.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Right have been to family doctor. He is so funny sometimes. He wants to ring my husband himself and tell him to stop being so ridiculous!!

He has given me 2 weeks off work and a prescription if I need it. I have always been a bit anti medication, so will see how things go. I just need to take it easy and I am sure I will start to feel better.Do a bit already.


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

MUM!!!!! Oh my goodness!!! I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. I read your entire thread and i wish i could be there to give you a great big hug. I mean it. I've been thinking and thinking about you. 

ok...i know it sounds crazy right now, but you will get a little bit stronger as the days pass. the tears will just come and then all of a sudden they stop. and then come, then stop. let yourself be angry all you want. get it out. hit pillows, scream into them, etc. get massages (just got my first one the other day - why didn't i do that before?) i continued taking the pills my doc gave me for PPD a year ago. i believe it has helped me think about things more clear. i'm less anxious than i would be without them. very low dose though. 

it's good you started the counseling too. good for you! you are taking all the right steps. be strong and show your feelings. your kids will appreciate it and learn from you too. support each other during this time. 

strategically building your support system is important. but when it comes time to sit and talk with your H, remember that it is about you two. Not everyone else circulating your issues. try and keep whatever relationships H has with your/his family and friends separate during all of this. it you don't, you will be more confused from hearing the things others will say to you. remember: don't try to make sure everyone else is okay, but yourself right now. This is your selfish time. 

a book that i read during this time you're going through is "My Husband's Affair was the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me." It's a true story and boy did it help me deal with the RAW emotions i was having then. It gave me hope for my future. I wish I could hand it to you myself. 

I will keep checking in with you. My heart is with you my friend.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Thankyou thankyou ls878 for those words.

The counseling was good today. She helped me realise that I need to look after myself first and foremost. If only H would realise how much he could get from talking to someone, but I cant force him, it is something he has to realise himself.

Doc only gave me a low dose and sort of explained that they may just put me in a frame of mine where I cope a little better with all the c**p but wont make the c**p go away. It makes sense I suppose.

But H is due here soon and I feel physically sick. It is as if I have a vice around my throat. I cannot eat a thing. Bad I know. maybe if I took the tablets that might go. Even my clothes are beginning to get too big. 

I hope I can be strong. I have been rehearsing what I need to say, so heres hoping.


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

yes, food has gone right through me for 2 months now. i've dropped 2 dress sizes (lost the baby weight i guess...) but it's not a good thing when i don't have the energy to be a single mom to a 1 yr old right now. i think my appetite is slowly coming back though which is good.

take some good long walks to get some fresh air. see movies, get a mani/pedi, keep talking to friends on the phone about other things if you can; especially at night (that's the time when lonliness/sadness sets in). Nights are always tough...

i bet your H is there right now. I'm thinking about you.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

H ha s just called to say he is running late, so wont be here for another hour. God I am really struggling to keep myself together. I just want to get it over with now.

I understand the thing about eating . It must be so hard when you have a little one to keep up with him. I haven't got the energy to even go to the gym, which I usually love. My son, bless him, just kept bringing me cups of tea (very British I know) and biscuits or chocolate or pizza. I did try but it just sticks in my throat.

I had lost weight when he first told me he wanted a divorce but I managed to keep it level the last few weeks, now it just seems to be dropping off again. I have hardly been out of the house, so its the weekend and I don't care where I go but I am definitely going somewhere. I might even go and see a slushy film that H didnt want to see!!


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

let H talk for a good long while without interruption. then you do the same. it will help avoid arguing. also, the: I'm feel this; because of this; I wish this; - type of communication has been working for us. too early probably now, but may be good for future conversations. ?? 

My boss grew up in England and got me hooked on tea at 3! Does "slushy" mean "chick flick?"


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

H just called. He is still working and will come over tomorrow morning.

I don't know what to think. Have worked myself up for nothing really.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Oh yeah slushy does mean chick flick. Some things just dont translate do they!!

H said he was only just leaving the office, in fairness this is not unusual for him. I had mailed him info about depression and stuff and asked him to read it all properly before he came over. H said that he had printed it off and was going to read it thoroughly and didn't want it to be late when he comes over and we are too tired to talk.

It sort of makes sense, but I have been worked up about this all day and I cant believe I have got to go through it again tomorrow.


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

whether it's an excuse on his part or not, it's better to have not talked today. when both of you are ready to talk together, then it's right.

relax, drink warm tea, bathe, call a girlfriend, and practice smiling in the mirror (it makes you feel good). Another day goes by; another day stronger. You'll be just fine


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

You tell yourself that you are strong. think of everything you want....and deserve. I know about the weight loss too honey. I lost 25 and still dropping....can't eat much...and he has been gone 31 days. I have days where it is better and days it is worse.

I chose not to medicate..but no harm in it if you need to. Watch the first wives club...an oldie but goodie. It gives me strength...do not watch a love flick....no way. "parenthood" is another good flick if you are down on men. "Beaches"......I can name a few. Anyway....don't worry about the eating....it's so normal. And don't worry about him. Worry about you. He is damaged and you are not. So don't let him play these mind games with you.

You set the day and time for him to come get what he needs and stick to it. Do not let him decide. if he has to take time off from work...so freaking what. And don't be there alone....have a support group. Friends.....family. He won't say one thing infront of them.

When you can face him alone and not cry or shake or freak out...then and only then...should you do so.

I am so sorry for your suffering....and no...it doesn't really help all that much to know others are suffering too....cause your pain is personal...a personal He**. But we are here....and we do care.

You are strong....smart and beautiful....dont' forget it.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Well I actually managed to sleep for a few hours last night which is great, still woke at 05.30 though!!!

I don't feel too bad, I think because I had more time to think about what I need to say last night. 

Will fill you all in later. Wish me luck


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Am just waiting for him to get here. 

I feel like I am going to actually throw up. 

I cant let this happen to me. I cant let him drag me down with him. 

Right positive thoughts now, all your advice is going round in my head.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> I wake up and feel so sick all the time. I haven't eaten since he went. I am a sensible woman, but it feels like I am losing control of myself.
> 
> I cant sit still, I cant sleep.I don't know what to do. I cant believe I am letting him do this to me.



All I can suggest is that you try not to take it so personally as he did the things he did due to his shortcomings, not yours.
You have to keep things in perspective.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

preso said:


> he did the things he did due to his shortcomings, not yours


:iagree: I like this...and I think it applies to so many situations here including mine and a few other people's that come to mind...good one Preso.

Although I must admit, it's very hard not to take it personally.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Its very easy to suggest I don't take it personally, but when you keep hearing from the H that this is my fault its a little difficult not to.

I would love not to be feeling this way, I am usually the most together person I know, but right now I don't seem to be in total control of my emotions. I don't want to feel sick , I want to be able to sleep, and god willing very soon I will be able to.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Thinking of you, and hoping the talk went the way you wanted it to. Good luck!


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

You're husband's acting like a self centered teenager and he says it's your fault. :crazy: My ass of an ex said the same thing. Look here honey, he's PROJECTING his own bull$hit onto you. He knows what he did was wrong but easier to blame someone then take responsibility for his own foolish, selfish actions. You stand your ground! Hold your head high. You have nothing to be sorry or ashamed for. When my ex came back after he left me to get the dog, he was shaking like a leaf not me. I was pi$$ed off at what he did and when he was done collecting the rest of his things I actually had to tell him to leave the house and never come back. You do the same damn thing. You have it in you. Give him the boot!!! :smthumbup::smcowboy:


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

True so true. We are strong women...let's show them that.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I had to listen to him for hours telling me why he did this. My god he really believes he was justified.

The only thing he is showing any emotion about is the fact the kids know all about it. He is angry at me that they now don't see him as the Mr Perfect he has always tried to portray. That is not my fault, its his. It is easier to lay the blame somewhere else than accept it may be his fault.

Oh he apologised for the 'upset' but you know, mad as it may be I do love him but right now I don't like him one bit.

He accepts that he needs to get some help for his depression and is going to see the psychiatrist today, maybe when he is feeling better things may change, but the way I feel now, I cant really bear to look at him.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

You actually listened to him for HOURS?:scratchhead: That's hours more than I would have given him!!! I would have gotten out a stopwatch and said you have 2 minutes now go! :rofl: He's STILL in denial and has his head up his a$$ about what he's done to you and his family. Don't know how productive psych help will be until he's willing to own up to his own caddy behaviour. I know you still love him but people change and not for the better. It's hard to separate sometimes the loving, caring spouse we had versus the pricks they become. I know it is still difficult for me but really I remember the lies, the time and effort he spent making the OW happy. In the end, now I just want to smash his face in. Can't wait for the divorce. Hope you slept well. See where things go but remember you deserve better than this jerk!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> I had to listen to him for hours telling me why he did this. My god he really believes he was justified.
> 
> The only thing he is showing any emotion about is the fact the kids know all about it. He is angry at me that they now don't see him as the Mr Perfect he has always tried to portray. That is not my fault, its his. It is easier to lay the blame somewhere else than accept it may be his fault.
> 
> ...



oh poor baby, that gives him the right to be sneaky and do as he pleases, lie and hide things.
ppppfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft, I have no sympathy for him.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Exactly Preso. Poor thing eh. Not to worry about the rest of us. He was feeling unloved so that made it all ok. NOT !!!!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

You seem like one of those really caring people mum, who will sit and listen to kaka for hours.
You really shouldn't waste your time because its going to be bullcrap for the most part.
Someone above said he acts like a teenager, I agree with that very much. 

I'm not as tolerant as you it seems because there is no way I'd listen to kaka for hours.
I'd be one to go get a bucket as he talked... and tell it was for my bleeding heart... ha !
leave it at the table or wherever he was and let him talk to it.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Do you know, I am sleeping better after seeing him. H has got a whole raft of issues and he is not going to take me and the kids down with him. 

I am feeling better and H cant stand it.


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## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

I am glad you are managing to stay on your feet. I understand it is hard but you are managing to hang in there.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Oh my word he is angry with me. And its because its easier than being angry with himself, but can he see that. I don't think so. 

H is wanting me to get angry I am sure, but I have stayed really calm, no shouting am letting him speak without interrupting and H is hating it. 

Boy this is making me feel a whole lot better.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I am so proud of you. This will be a roller coaster ride, though. so buckle up sweetie. tighten those harnesses and get ready. The first hill is always the highest...but....sometimes there are loops.

Keep those eyes open....and you will make it. Your attitude will pay off too. Calm is so much better. 

U are doing so well. Gosh ....I am so proud. I knew you had it in you.

Love and prayers....d


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

My therapist would be SOO proud of you. You are acting like an ADULT and he has no clue how to relate to that anymore. When you start behaving unpredictably changes the whole dance doesn't it?? Feels good to own it right? You keep going girl. He needs to GROW the frig up. He's angry all right thinking WTF? How do I deal with this, cause if you get angry he can point the finger at you and say "see this behaviour is why I did what I did." Has he stamped his feet and had a tantrum yet? :rofl: Your husband could be mine right down to the "you never liked any of my friends!!" Yeah okay what are you 12? Hate to say it but don't know if your marriage is worth any effort at this point. He may never come around. Just deal with that when the time comes. Scream, yell, punch things if you have to but don't let him see that. Save that for private time. I still have a lot of pent up anger about my ex but I think life will kick him in the nads. Probably already has. Beauty part is it will require no effort, planning or energy on my part. Take care. You go girlfriend. He may have had the power to say I want a divorce but NOW you own it and take the power back by respecting yourself and your boundaries. He crossed the line and needs to figure that out on his own. Maybe after awhile a$$e$ like this start to believe their own bull$hit! Good Luck honey.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Mum, 

Hang in there! You are doing excellent. It sucks but don't let him see you sweat!


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Mum: Glad you made it through the meeting with him so well. It is good to just listen and stay in control, isn't it?

Question: (ever the analytical me...)

Did your DH do more than emails and telephone contact? Did he meet with this woman. This is the ex-gf from long ago, or am I confused? Sorry I need to ask....:scratchhead:

Your dh has never cheated before, right?

Just wondering.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Hi Sandy

Yeah she was his first crush from college before we met. He has never done anything like this before I am certain.

The OW lives abroad so there has been no other contact at all other than emails and texts. Whether there would have been had she lived here, I would say most definitely.

Hope that helps. 

You are all so right. I feel calmer and more confident, and H doesn't know how to take it. Like you said he wants me to get mad, and I wont, not in front of him anyway. I cant do anything about the way he feels about me, thats down to him so I have realised I cant keep torturing myself about it.

H went to specialist today. He is going again soon, staying on medication and starting seeing a psychologist when he is strong enough. Thats a start.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I'd say a very good move on his part, Mum.

Mum, if it was emails, etc, it was a fantasy game he was playing, and now we have to figure out why he was playing it.

Was it because it was "new and shiny", was it because there was "unfinished business" between them?

I had a long term email relationship with my ex bf, and realized after a couple years of corresponding back and forth, WHY we never went further than bf/gf! We did a lot of silly flirtatious crap back and forth...and actual phone calls, but my dh sometimes answered the phone...and would say: "Hi, how are you doing?"

I'd even read some of what the guy was writing....some of it very sad. 

I think the secrecy is what was wrong about your dh corresponding - he would have been better off telling you from the get go....secrecy sinks marital ships.

He was wrong to keep a secret from you, yes. It was your and his good fortune it is not a secret any more. I think you asking him to leave is good and him getting help as he is probably so very confused. 

Thank God he hadn't slept with her...maybe this is a fantastic wake up call.....I hope so. I don't want to see you go down the divorce trail, Mum, you guys seem so, well...


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Mum: My dh and I were separated for nearly three years. While separated all that time, he had a couple of dates, maybe more, I don't know....we were all BUT divorced.

Well, after we got back together, this one woman he'd actually slept with while we were separated wrote him twice. I asked my dh to end it and tell her it was messing with an already tenuous marriage repair we were trying to piece together. I don't know that he ever contacted her or wrote her; but I dropped her a note that told her the following:

"DH and I are working very hard on repairing our marriage after a long separation. We are expecting another child in January. I would be most grateful if you would no longer contact him, as it does not help our reconciliation and trust issues."

Then I just signed it: Thank you, Mrs. DH

I never heard back from her, and I've never seen any signs or symptoms that DH ever talked with or communicated with her again. Sometimes another woman has no clue that she is making another woman's life harder. 

(I think this woman on the other end of the computer will likely just back off and stop communication on her own; if she does not, I think I would go on to ask her nicely, then if she still persists, I would just ask her in a letter: "Have you told your dh about 'the situation'?) Business like, that is all.

I am praying for you and your dh, to be honest, to hold it together and grow, learn. And if you so chose to do otherwise, I will be understanding of that too of course. Not that my opinion matters in the grand scheme of things, mind you.....:rofl:


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

He went to see family doc again today and his medication has been increased. Doc very worried about him I think,as am I.

H is very, very down at the minute. He is desperate to repair things with the kids but neither of them wants to speak to him right now. He just cant or wont get why that might be. I suppose its the depression, all he is focusing on is himself.

Sandy as far as the OW goes, he says he contacted her as he remembered that he could always talk to her and that is what he wanted as he felt he couldn't talk to me. H still insisting that it is friendship, so why oh why did he hide it. That is the killer for me and the kids too. 

His deception of not only emailing her but also telling the kids that he was giving things a go with me, going as far as booking a holiday, is what is so hard for everyone to get their heads round. H cannot see this at all right now. H needs one big fat wake up call.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

He was booking the holiday on hope that he could get his head straight for and with you. He was hoping to get the feeling back, that he may have lost - the youth feeling, the fun feeling, the excitement feeling of YOUTH of CAREFREE. Those days when you haven't money slamming you, retirement issues slamming you, your kids growing up and slamming you. He could _WELL _have been talking to her for those issues, Mum. I am not _certain_, cannot possibly be, but AM certain _it could be a serious possibility_.

Sorry to muddy your water right now...don't mean to...I know you don't need any seesawing, you need sure footing, Mum, I know. 

But hang tight. 

My friend I talk to - well, he contacted ME after 31 YEARS, mum. I was his first love, and his wife was dying, Mum. 
He called me because he REMEMBERED it always felt a relief to talk to me when we were young, and the hard time he was having with his wife, well, he wanted to feel "grounded" is what he said.

His wife died, 18 months ago, she was only 47, Mum. 

I still think your DH is confused and hurting, did not mean to hurt you, hid it so as NOT to hurt you, sometimes men are dumb or do stupid stuff and not sure what they are doing, Mum.

Maybe he was having this crisis, he had feelings he didn't want to reveal to YOU as it concerned YOU, and he did this needing to talk to someone he trusted, he trusted you, yes, but sometimes someone needs an old - can't find the word - and old "good feeling" so as to feel solid, if you will. I am not sure that is adequate a description. Sorry.

I am glad you haven't called her, as HE contacted HER...she may have been just managing her marriage as best she could, with all marriage has to offer  at times. KWIM? Maybe SHE too got sucked into "what if" "what might have been.."?? HE wasn't looking for SEX, isn't THAT obvious? He was looking for affirmation that life has not passed him by, that he's made the right choices, he was looking for assurance.

I think there is a reason God saw to it your DH did not physically cheat....not that what has happened is less concerning, but one "good" is that he didn't do it. You have the sanctity of your marital bed thus far.

*Hang in there.* Tell me to go "f" off if I am messing up your head. If you just want to dump his butt....but I don't think it would be wise for quite some time!


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Sandy , the last thing I want to do is end my marriage. 

I can see exactly what you are saying about why he may have chosen to talk to her. 

Maybe he did need to talk to someone he felt he totally trusted. H says that she was someone he always felt he could open up to. He had quite a troubled upbringing and I think he could tell her about that. 

There is no doubt that H is very troubled right now, and he seems to be slipping downwards.I am attempting to support him as far as I am able to right now. I will do what I can and have resigned myself to 'what will be will be' I suppose, but I am committed to my marriage and H even if he isnt right now.

I havent forgiven him and cannot forget, but I can see why H thought in his mind that it was ok, he just cant see that in my mind and the kids it was so wrong.

Maybe H will realise what he has and what he is about to lose, but right I dont think he does.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Well his medication has been increased and H seems a little more upbeat. Thats good.

Daughter sent him a text and that has helped I am sure. Maybe e will stop all the anger directed at me if he has some contact with the children. Son on the other hand is not replying at all. I am stuck in the middle.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

It isn't good in the middle.

A friend of mine said to me:

Think of your life as a car, and you are in your "lane" driving along. Other people are in their cars in their OWN "lane" driving down the road of life. She said: "Just stay in your own LANE, don't drift into other's lanes".

She has a point. Your dh is responsible for his own driving and wrecks, and to stay to his own lane. You are likewise, your kids are to do the same.

When you feel stuck in the middle, just keep a picture of "your lane" in your head, try to ignore the other drivers, let your KIDS and your dh handle their own wrecks and driving.

VERY hard to do, I KNOW! Hell, I feel like a freaking traffic engineer in my house most days! It is terrible! One reason I am moving out, to focus on just my lane of traffic. It is my personality to "help" others, even at my own detriment.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I know Sandy, its in my nature too. I couldnt walk past a stranger if I thought they needed help!( probably slightly safer to do in leafy England ) 

Well last night H wrote THE email to OW telling her he wont be contacting her again. He told me he was writing it and showed it to me before he sent it.

I didnt ask to see it, he offered and I nearly fell off my chair. Lets see what happens now I suppose. Up till now he has told me I cant see any of the emails, maybe he is beginning to understand. Heaven knows.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

That must have been very hard and confusing. At first I thought: 'Oh, good' but then: "What is his motivation..proof for Mum?". Is this a sign of him saying he's made a choice? To repair? He may not even know. He is likely loosing much sleep!


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Well I was expecting it at all and still don't know what to make of it.

Anyway last night he suggested we went out to eat, so we did.

Had really nice meal and went to the pub afterwards and had a really great evening, and H even said to me that he had really enjoyed the evening.

Hmmmmm


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