# Am I being unreasonable?



## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

My husbands ex wife is asking that he pick up and drop off his children on our weekends. We have been picking up on Fridays and she'd (or her mom) would come on Sunday's and pick the children up from us. There has been some change in the ex's life where it's not convenient for her to come pick up the children anymore and she can not drop them off to us.

Recently, after opting out of child support in their divorce, she went after my husband for support. For now (there's another hearing in January) she's been awarded by the court, $400.00 per month in support. 

During the original court hearing, our attorney said that her moving half an hour away puts a hardship on H, because for him to drive there and back often is an hour drive and wear and tear on his car. The ex spoke right up and said "he picks them up from our home on Friday's and I pick them up from their home on Sunday's, so that's not an accurate statement." 

Well now, whatever is going on with her, she has asked him to pick up and drop off and he feels he should honor her request. There was no time frame of how long this plan will be in effect. 

H asked me my opinion and I told him that her problems aren't our problems. He got mad at me because I didn't agree with him, thinking it's not much to ask. 

Am I being unreasonable? Am I missing something?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Do you believe that the extra wear and tear on the car makes his contact with the children burdensome? 

These are his kids. He got mad at you not because you didn't agree with him. He got mad at you for thinking so little of his time with his children.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Unfortunately these are the things that happen. I say choose your battles carefully. You can either bicker about it or just let it wash over you for the sake of your marriage and the children. Sometimes life is not fair and we have to be the bigger person. The children will be children for such a short time - don't spend that time sweating the small stuff.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

KillerClown said:


> Do you believe that the extra wear and tear on the car makes his contact with the children burdensome?
> 
> These are his kids. He got mad at you not because you didn't agree with him. He got mad at you for thinking so little of his time with his children.


My husband is the one who said it was extra wear and tear on his car, not me. There is no time lost with his children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

LadybugMomma said:


> My husband is the one who said it was extra wear and tear on his car, not me. There is no time lost with his children.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The statement about the car was made during the court hearing, correct? It's standard argument used by attorneys.

The drive time is extra conversation time with captive audience. I know I treasure my time with the boys when I drop them off to school.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I'm experiencing similar issues with my girlfriend. I only want the best for my kids and to keep things civil/amicable with the ex. I can be a pushover sometimes, but if I sense I'm trying to be taken advantage of, I'll put my foot down. 

If I was him, I'd say sure, but I'm only paying $200 a month in child support to make up for the gas/wear and tear. If not, then no deal. A compromise on both ends needs to be happen. Did his ex run him over during the marriage? If so, it's easy to just play along to avoid confrontation. It was the only way for me to keep dark thoughts from entering my mind when we'd have arguments. It's taken me a while to start standing up for myself and not being intimated by my ex.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

LadybugMomma said:


> Recently, after opting out of child support in their divorce, she went after my husband for support. For now (there's another hearing in January) she's been awarded by the court, $400.00 per month in support.


Child support in most cases can never be 'opted out' from. It is based on income and number of overnights with the children. No matter what a divorce decree says, parties can always go back at petition for CS and it will be awarded based on the numbers. Do not bargain with CS payments, it is court ordered. You could come to an agreement, but if it is not filed with the court, she could came back later and claim he never paid and go for back support.

The flip side of this coin is that she is starting to show her true colors. You [& he] can expect this will not be the last time she goes for changes/modifications.




LadybugMomma said:


> H asked me my opinion and I told him that her problems aren't our problems. He got mad at me because I didn't agree with him, thinking it's not much to ask.


I am in full agreement that her problems are just that, her problems. Her lack of planning should not be a cause for your husband to take action. I would not agree to such a situation as it sets a bad precedent that she could use against him in the future.

At this point, I would go back to the original divorce decree to see what it says. If it says he picks up on Friday and she picks up on Sunday, he should calmly tell her that, "We will continue to abide by the decree." If she chooses not to pick up on Sunday, that is more time your husband gets to have with his children. If she decides that he can't have the children on Friday and play keep away because he will not drive back on Sunday, he should calmly record the event in his journal as a denial of his parenting time. Once that happens a couple of times, haul her back to court for contempt. After a couple of trips to court, file for a motion for more parenting time since she obviously does not have the best interests of the children in mind. You all can play this game too.

Hopefully he is keeping a journal of his time with his children and is recording all of his interactions with his ex. Ideally he is communicating via email and everything is documented. 

As for his anger, I suspect that he capitulated to his ex during marriage (which is also why it seems he only has time on the weekends) and it is still affecting his judgment. Hence the anger when you don't agree, he doesn't want to admit that he can't tell her no.




LadybugMomma said:


> Am I being unreasonable? Am I missing something?


Not at all. Perhaps you should present the argument that this could potentially hurt his income further to avoid triggering his pride.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I tend to agree with you @LadybugMomma. The ex is the one who chose to move 30 minutes away, so to me she should be willing to make this compromise as originally arranged. Can you imagine the hissy if it was your H who had moved and SHE then had to make the drive both ways? 

However you are probably going to have to concede on this one. As someone else mentioned, you have to pick your battles sometimes. 

When my daughter was going between homes, I always the one doing the driving. Only when my ex was married did she get dropped off at my house at the end of his weekends, by his then wife, of course. My ex never wanted to drive for anything, I knew that quirk about him already, so this was something I did for my daughter's sake. We were very amicable coparents, but a lot of it was because I was the one to do what it took to make things easy and peaceful, knowing he was a pain in the ass about certain things.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think that, when you marry someone with kids, you should go into it with a couple of presuppositions: One, you always take his side regarding his/her kids unless they are clearly not being logical or right; Two, yes, YOUR life will be impacted in terms of time, money, and attention, so get used to it (and don't resent it) unless, again, they're not being logical or right about it.

That said, I don't think that allowing her to get this 'give' is logical or right. She's the one who chose to move somewhere else, not you guys. Therefore, the extra effort is on her.

But I'm not sure this is something worth you arguing about. Do you have kids from a divorce? Such parents often feel tremendous guilt, longing, and pain over not getting their kids as much as they want. It doesn't really sound like you're thinking of your husband's feelings.

fwiw, the city I live in, a half-hour drive is considered in the neighborhood! A typical work commute is 1 hour if you're lucky, one way. And that's just in the city, not leaving it to go to other cities/towns!


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Half an hour away, wow that is practically neighbours. What is the big deal? Wear and tear on the car, really? People use that as an excuse to not just get on with being a parent.

It sounds like the kids mum has them more than your husband does so of course he should be financially supporting his children. $400 a month would go nowhere near the costs involved in raising the kids and you are worried about a few dollars of wear and tear on a car. Does this mean you never go on a road trip because that would be wear and tear on the car?


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

turnera said:


> I think that, when you marry someone with kids, you should go into it with a couple of presuppositions: One, you always take his side regarding his/her kids unless they are clearly not being logical or right


Or.. just stay out of it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

KillerClown said:


> Do you believe that the extra wear and tear on the car makes his contact with the children burdensome?
> 
> These are his kids. He got mad at you not because you didn't agree with him. He got mad at you for thinking so little of his time with his children.



I don't think so, OPs husband picks up to start the weekend. The ex should continue to pick up for the return or make arrangements. The ex is the one that spoke up in court saying she picks them up at the end of the weekend, to get the money, let her continue to do so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

You know, sometimes life happens while we're busy making plans.

Her situation has changed in that she can't honor her original plans of picking up the kids after his visitation, so he has to spend a little more time and effort driving them back home. Geez, it's not like she's asked him to climb mountains and battle fire-breathing dragons. From the sounds of it, he sees his kids twice a month because you say on 'your' weekends - which means he sees them a whole 4 days out of 30 every month. If he thinks his whopping $400 a month is all gravy for his ex and that she's using it to travel around the world and buy designer shoes, he'd be quite mistaken. It barely covers groceries.

And if he's going to cry about a few extra bucks in gas and 'wear and tear' on his car concerning bringing his own children back home, then it just shows how completely selfish and petty he really is. It sounds as though he's doing the bare minimum where his kids are concerned and he doesn't want to extend himself even an inch more.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So he whines to you about his horrible ex, and when you agree and side with him, he gets snippy with you and starts to defend her?

This is on him.

If he doesn't want you to do this, then he stops badmouthing her to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You know, sometimes life happens while we're busy making plans.
> 
> Her situation has changed in that she can't honor her original plans of picking up the kids after his visitation, so he has to spend a little more time and effort driving them back home. Geez, it's not like she's asked him to climb mountains and battle fire-breathing dragons. From the sounds of it, he sees his kids twice a month because you say on 'your' weekends - which means he sees them a whole 4 days out of 30 every month. If he thinks his whopping $400 a month is all gravy for his ex and that she's using it to travel around the world and buy designer shoes, he'd be quite mistaken. It barely covers groceries.
> 
> And if he's going to cry about a few extra bucks in gas and 'wear and tear' on his car concerning bringing his own children back home, then it just shows how completely selfish and petty he really is. It sounds as though he's doing the bare minimum where his kids are concerned and he doesn't want to extend himself even an inch more.


Wow, harsh. I gotta say, I find a 30 minute drive to be a pain in the ass, and I would be pissed too at having to make that drive because of a decision made by my EX. If they want to move out of the area, then its on THEM to suck it up and take care of the inconvenience they are causing. Alternate weekends is a pretty standard arrangement, at least where I am, and I think this is being super judgemental about how he parents for no reason.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You know, sometimes life happens while we're busy making plans.
> 
> Her situation has changed in that she can't honor her original plans of picking up the kids after his visitation, so he has to spend a little more time and effort driving them back home. Geez, it's not like she's asked him to climb mountains and battle fire-breathing dragons. From the sounds of it, he sees his kids twice a month because you say on 'your' weekends - which means he sees them a whole 4 days out of 30 every month. If he thinks his whopping $400 a month is all gravy for his ex and that she's using it to travel around the world and buy designer shoes, he'd be quite mistaken. It barely covers groceries.
> 
> And if he's going to cry about a few extra bucks in gas and 'wear and tear' on his car concerning bringing his own children back home, then it just shows how completely selfish and petty he really is. It sounds as though he's doing the bare minimum where his kids are concerned and he doesn't want to extend himself even an inch more.


Actually, it's the OP who thinks it's a bad idea and doesn't want him to do it. He's the one saying 'they're my kids' and it's not that big of a deal.

I see both sides; don't set a precedent that she continues to take advantage of. But $400/month total? Good grief. My dad paid $100 for me, back in early 1970s! Houses back then cost $20,000; cars cost $2000. When I graduated high school in 1976, I lived on $30/month for all groceries.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

While I agree that's it's technically her responsibility to pick up the kids on Sundays, if your husband is happy to take them back to her, you should support him that absolutely.

The poor guy gets to see his children for 96 HOURS a MONTH. So unfair and if I were in his shoes I would drive any distance if it meant I got to see my children.

Pick your battles OP. Yes, the ex might start a pattern of making demands, but that hasn't happened yet. Deal with that if and when it happens.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

KillerClown said:


> The statement about the car was made during the court hearing, correct? It's standard argument used by attorneys.
> 
> The drive time is extra conversation time with captive audience. I know I treasure my time with the boys when I drop them off to school.


Yes, that statement was made in court. It all worked out in the end. He told her to make other arrangements. She was nasty at him for not honoring her requests, but amazingly she found a way to work it out herself. AND he got his children a few hours sooner because she had her mom drop them off to us and she had to do it sooner than usual. We drove them home on Sunday.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> I'm experiencing similar issues with my girlfriend. I only want the best for my kids and to keep things civil/amicable with the ex. I can be a pushover sometimes, but if I sense I'm trying to be taken advantage of, I'll put my foot down.
> 
> If I was him, I'd say sure, but I'm only paying $200 a month in child support to make up for the gas/wear and tear. If not, then no deal. A compromise on both ends needs to be happen. Did his ex run him over during the marriage? If so, it's easy to just play along to avoid confrontation. It was the only way for me to keep dark thoughts from entering my mind when we'd have arguments. It's taken me a while to start standing up for myself and not being intimated by my ex.


He (We) want the best for his children too. And they are happy. We always have a good time when they're with us. We do fun family things as we're able to. 

H was run over by his ex, all the time in their marriage. He worked so she could stay home with the kids. Then she *****ed because he was always gone and that there wasn't enough money for her to do things. Then when she did work, her money was hers and hers only and she'd use it to shop and go on weekend getaways with her girlfriends. She ended up cheating on him because he was "never there." 

Basically, what she said in their marriage, went. She still thinks that it should go that way. He still has a hard time standing his ground to her.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

C3156 said:


> Child support in most cases can never be 'opted out' from. It is based on income and number of overnights with the children. No matter what a divorce decree says, parties can always go back at petition for CS and it will be awarded based on the numbers. Do not bargain with CS payments, it is court ordered. You could come to an agreement, but if it is not filed with the court, she could came back later and claim he never paid and go for back support.
> 
> 
> The flip side of this coin is that she is starting to show her true colors. You [& he] can expect this will not be the last time she goes for changes/modifications.
> ...



I don't suspect we've heard the last of her either. In the divorce is says she opted out of support. We did know that she could ask for it to be amended at any time and it was only a matter of time. We knew it'd be coming. 

I've told H that he needs to stand his ground with her or she'll keep right on taking. He's often said to me " whatever _______ has ever wanted, _______ has always gotten, she's always gotten her way." To which I said, "you always give in to her so she always expects it." Up until recently he's pretty much did as she wanted even if it meant lying to me, he honored her requests. Once he started to stop that, is when she filed for support. 

He was advised by his lawyer to communicate through email or text only. He advised his ex of this as well. She said she understood and agreed to it. I find it funny though that she communicated this pick up and drop off request verbally. 

And yes, he has a journal where he documents anything and everything regarding drop off/pick up times, what took place on the weekends we have the kids, where we go, what we do, what we buy etc. as well as all communication with his ex. 

I don't trust her.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

turnera said:


> Actually, it's the OP who thinks it's a bad idea and doesn't want him to do it. He's the one saying 'they're my kids' and it's not that big of a deal.
> 
> I see both sides; don't set a precedent that she continues to take advantage of. But $400/month total? Good grief. My dad paid $100 for me, back in early 1970s! Houses back then cost $20,000; cars cost $2000. When I graduated high school in 1976, I lived on $30/month for all groceries.


To be honest we were thinking it was going to be much more in support. H doesn't make much $$ and being based on income, his bills, cost of living is how it's figured. Plus the courts also take into consideration how much money the mom makes when determining. The lawyer was negotiating the dollar amount in court. She suggested the mom enroll the kids in activities (which the kids always say they want to do but she never enrolls them) and H would be 100% responsible for the enrollment fees and the ex declined and when straight for the full amount. When the lawyer suggested $400.00/month, the Judge agreed that it was a fair amount.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

frusdil said:


> While I agree that's it's technically her responsibility to pick up the kids on Sundays, if your husband is happy to take them back to her, you should support him that absolutely.
> 
> The poor guy gets to see his children for 96 HOURS a MONTH. So unfair and if I were in his shoes I would drive any distance if it meant I got to see my children.
> 
> Pick your battles OP. Yes, the ex might start a pattern of making demands, but that hasn't happened yet. Deal with that if and when it happens.


I agree with you about driving any distance to see your children. I'd do the same for mine.

With regards to the ex, I still strongly feel that her lack of being responsible, shouldn't be our concern. No more than the time she said H had to take the children every weekend because she was in a relationship and trying to make it work. Um, not H's nor my problem.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

He's bending a little and being more tolerant (than a step-parent for example) for the sake of his kids and the fact his ex wife could make things very difficult. 

One of the few situations in life it's OK to compromise your integrity. For your kids.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> I tend to agree with you @LadybugMomma. The ex is the one who chose to move 30 minutes away, so to me she should be willing to make this compromise as originally arranged. Can you imagine the hissy if it was your H who had moved and SHE then had to make the drive both ways?
> 
> However you are probably going to have to concede on this one. As someone else mentioned, you have to pick your battles sometimes.
> 
> When my daughter was going between homes, I always the one doing the driving. Only when my ex was married did she get dropped off at my house at the end of his weekends, by his then wife, of course. My ex never wanted to drive for anything, I knew that quirk about him already, so this was something I did for my daughter's sake. We were very amicable coparents, but a lot of it was because I was the one to do what it took to make things easy and peaceful, knowing he was a pain in the ass about certain things.


I completely understand that point of view. What I said to H was that I'd tell her she'd have to see if she could work something out. Not telling her yes, he'd do it straight away. Maybe if he often left the ball in her court, she'd take some responsibility for herself.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

turnera said:


> I think that, when you marry someone with kids, you should go into it with a couple of presuppositions: One, you always take his side regarding his/her kids unless they are clearly not being logical or right; Two, yes, YOUR life will be impacted in terms of time, money, and attention, so get used to it (and don't resent it) unless, again, they're not being logical or right about it.
> 
> That said, I don't think that allowing her to get this 'give' is logical or right. She's the one who chose to move somewhere else, not you guys. Therefore, the extra effort is on her.
> 
> ...


It's totally not worth arguing about. I didn't want to argue about it. H asked my opinion. I'm not going to lie about how I feel. When I'm honest with him about how I feel he gets mad at me for not agreeing with the way he feels.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then THAT is what you two need to be discussing - how you cannot speak your truth without being punished in some way. Not a healthy marriage. You already have a bunch of other red flags. Don't let this go on.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

TAM2013 said:


> He's bending a little and being more tolerant (than a step-parent for example) for the sake of his kids and the fact his ex wife could make things very difficult.
> 
> One of the few situations in life it's OK to compromise your integrity. For your kids.


I agree totally. However, this situation that is occurring now, is because H took a stance to her many requests. The second he stopped doing everything she wanted was when she carted him to court for support. And let me be clear.....I am in agreement that a man should support his children! He should have been from the beginning but SHE opted out in the divorce. It's stated right in the decree, that she opted out. So all along she has threatened him with taking him to court if he didn't do what she wanted.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> Half an hour away, wow that is practically neighbours. What is the big deal? Wear and tear on the car, really? People use that as an excuse to not just get on with being a parent.
> 
> It sounds like the kids mum has them more than your husband does so of course he should be financially supporting his children. $400 a month would go nowhere near the costs involved in raising the kids and you are worried about a few dollars of wear and tear on a car. Does this mean you never go on a road trip because that would be wear and tear on the car?


H hadn't been paying CS because his ex opted out of it in the divorce. It says so in the decree. I'm not worried about the wear & tear on his car. That was the arguing statement in court with H's lawyer and his ex. And I'll say it again and again and again...I fully agree that a man should support his children. I agree H should have been doing so from the beginning, however, his ex, opted out. It was never court ordered. When he started putting his foot down to her every wish, is when she carted him to court for support. Up until then, she threatened that if he didn't honor her requests, she'd take him to court. 

It's a blessing it happened, honestly, because he (we) no longer have to fear her if she isn't getting her way. 

Oh, and the $400.00/month was ordered by the Judge. He determined the amount to be paid to H's ex. 

In my case, that's a bargain! I get $400.00/month for three kids.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

browser said:


> Or.. just stay out of it.


Or take in consideration (not that this situation effects my children) that if H were to always honor his ex's request, there would be no time for my children to have a weekend without having to share me with my step children. When do I think about my children's needs/wants? I don't expect my H's ex to care about my children's well being, but I do expect my H to. Which also means at times, telling his ex, no. Simply because it isn't in the best interest for everyone involved.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

ABHale said:


> I don't think so, OPs husband picks up to start the weekend. The ex should continue to pick up for the return or make arrangements. The ex is the one that spoke up in court saying she picks them up at the end of the weekend, to get the money, let her continue to do so.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



And THAT is one of my biggest points! She made it completely clear in court that the 30 minute drive (wear and tear on his car) for him was an inaccurate statement because she picked them up on Sunday's. So, I find it funny that H tells her at the advice of his lawyer, and further conversation/schedule changes/anything pertaining to the children be done via text or email. H's ex agreed and said she'd do it. Then a week later, she's verbally asking him to pick up AND drop off. See where this is going....?? She wants the whoa is me image in court but then the, do as I want image outside of court. Plus, if it's not in writing and H agrees to it, it benefits his ex as he's doing for her, yet it's not documented so HE can't use it as a benefit for himself when he tries to say he's working with her and helping her out. 

She's evil.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

turnera said:


> Then THAT is what you two need to be discussing - how you cannot speak your truth without being punished in some way. Not a healthy marriage. You already have a bunch of other red flags. Don't let this go on.


I agree. This why I'm so frustrated now. We've talked about it, he's stood his ground w/his ex and she figured it out like an adult and he and I are on the mend. During the heated discussion he told me that next time he won't even discuss the situation with me. He'll just do it regardless of what I'd think or feel etc. All this while I'm trying to help my daughter with her anxiety/depression and cutting. Oy!


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

If the ex opted out of CS and your husband only has his kids every second weekend can you explain where the ex is being so demanding? If the kids are only there 4 days a month how is that impacting your life so greatly? It doesn't add up or do you want to have his kids less?

Your husband is a parent, if anything he should be doing more. If your kids are having issues that is serious but they did not put themselves in this new family, you did so it is your responsibility not theirs, your husbands or his ex.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LadybugMomma said:


> I agree. This why I'm so frustrated now. We've talked about it, he's stood his ground w/his ex and she figured it out like an adult and he and I are on the mend. During the heated discussion he told me that next time he won't even discuss the situation with me. He'll just do it regardless of what I'd think or feel etc. All this while I'm trying to help my daughter with her anxiety/depression and cutting. Oy!


You realize that's not a resolution, right?


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

turnera said:


> You realize that's not a resolution, right?


Meaning him saying that next time he just won't say anything to me? Yes, I do know this is not a resolution. That'd create more issues and I told him as much.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what's your plan to create a better marriage?


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

KillerClown said:


> Do you believe that the extra wear and tear on the car makes his contact with the children burdensome?
> 
> These are his kids. He got mad at you not because you didn't agree with him. He got mad at you for thinking so little of his time with his children.


she got a court order reworking of support, the amount decided to take into account equal travel and commitment.
as long as she receives that benefit, she's committed to the conditions materially underlying that decision


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

frusdil said:


> While I agree that's it's technically her responsibility to pick up the kids on Sundays, if your husband is happy to take them back to her, you should support him that absolutely.
> 
> The poor guy gets to see his children for 96 HOURS a MONTH. So unfair and if I were in his shoes I would drive any distance if it meant I got to see my children.


He should drive it, but she needs to pay the vehicle expenses, minimum.
It interrupts a persons life to constantly drop things and do this, takes away fri,sat,sun especially for wage slaves and business people. Yet the ex-wife gets to arrange things as she sees fit. OP is not a second class person just because she has a relationship with a person who has children from a previous relationship.
If the previous friendly "no support" held I'd say let him drive it all and pay, least he could do ... but she got it reassessed and is getting payment, a payment which includes her arranging to pick up the kids everytime. Like so many ex's, when circumstances no longer suit her, she's trying to renege her responsibilities. And he, in order to maintain things, is left trying to jump the extra distance for her. ..in short, ain't going to happen.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

LadybugMomma said:


> Basically, what she said in their marriage, went. She still thinks that it should go that way. He still has a hard time standing his ground to her.


A lot of men do this because the ex often threatens or does withhold the kids. Despite the fact that there are orders in place etc. The reality is that yes, she's in breach, and he can take her to court blah blah, that takes months, costs thousands and a lot of damage can be done in that time.




LadybugMomma said:


> With regards to the ex, I still strongly feel that her lack of being responsible, shouldn't be our concern. No more than the time she said H had to take the children every weekend because she was in a relationship and trying to make it work. *Um, not H's nor my problem*.


Ah but it IS his children's problem, so by extension yours and your H's too. If he wants them every weekend, why not have them every weekend?



LadybugMomma said:


> Or take in consideration (not that this situation effects my children) that *if H were to always honor his ex's request, there would be no time for my children to have a weekend without having to share me with my step children.* When do I think about my children's needs/wants? I don't expect my H's ex to care about my children's well being, but I do expect my H to. Which also means at times, telling his ex, no. Simply because it isn't in the best interest for everyone involved.


And his children NEVER get the chance to have their dad to themselves on the weekends they're with you, they have to share him with you and your kids. It goes both ways. This is what you sign up for when you blend a family.

I get it OP, I'm a stepmum too, and I deal with an (at times) extremely high conflict BM who thrives on drama. I also have my SD here full time with us now, because she has some special needs and her mother couldn't cope. When this all came about, what was I supposed to say? No? No I don't want her living here full time because I don't want to share my husband? That's parenting, that's step family life. It is what it is.

(I adore my (step) daughter...I love having her here full time and we manage her issues very well. She's thriving)


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

OP do you do shared care with your ex or do you have your kids full time?

How much wear and tear on your husbands ex's car do you take into account when she drives the kids around during the week? Does she get compensated for that? 

As a parent raising your own kids how much does it cost per week?


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

turnera said:


> So what's your plan to create a better marriage?


I haven't a clue. Advice, if you have any would be appreciated.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

spotthedeaddog said:


> He should drive it, but she needs to pay the vehicle expenses, minimum.
> It interrupts a persons life to constantly drop things and do this, takes away fri,sat,sun especially for wage slaves and business people. Yet the ex-wife gets to arrange things as she sees fit. OP is not a second class person just because she has a relationship with a person who has children from a previous relationship.
> If the previous friendly "no support" held I'd say let him drive it all and pay, least he could do ... but she got it reassessed and is getting payment, a payment which includes her arranging to pick up the kids everytime. Like so many ex's, when circumstances no longer suit her, she's trying to renege her responsibilities. And he, in order to maintain things, is left trying to jump the extra distance for her. ..in short, ain't going to happen.


YES! You nailed it. It is typical of her to expect H to do for her when the circumstances aren't convenient or when things don't suit her.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

frusdil said:


> A lot of men do this because the ex often threatens or does withhold the kids. Despite the fact that there are orders in place etc. The reality is that yes, she's in breach, and he can take her to court blah blah, that takes months, costs thousands and a lot of damage can be done in that time.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



First, I want to say, I'm not arguing your point of view. I try to be open minded and I truly want to get this marriage right. But so often it feels like I am the one who has to or is expected to shut up and put up, just because this is what I "signed up for." Does H have no obligations to me, my wants/needs or my children's needs? Yes, I understand when it comes to kids, they come first. But when custody is shared and it's agreed upon, visits are every other weekend and his EX, decides she doesn't want to mom any more, because she's in a relationship and trying to make things work.....I'm supposed to just lay down and let it happen? Let whatever it is that SHE wants to be had? I don't feel that's right. When it's H's weekend with the kids, in the event we had to do something that the kids couldn't attend, we wouldn't take the kids back to her. We'd make arrangements for someone to look after them until we got home. I just feel if she does't want to parent on her weekends, then it's up to her to find a sitter, just as we would be expected to do.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> OP do you do shared care with your ex or do you have your kids full time?
> 
> How much wear and tear on your husbands ex's car do you take into account when she drives the kids around during the week? Does she get compensated for that?
> 
> As a parent raising your own kids how much does it cost per week?


Sadly, I have my children full time. The agreement w/my ex is that he is to have the kids every other weekend until they are old enough to decided for themselves. My kids are 22, 19 & 14. My 22 y.o. obviously takes care of himself, however he still lives at home. He sees his dad the most, because they work together. My 19 yo, not clinically diagnosed but suspected to be high functioning Aspergers, lives at home and needs reminding of many day to day things, such as showering. He very rarely sees his dad, same goes for my 14 yo. It's not that they don't want to but if their dad doesn't come for them or isn't available for them, they can't see him. There are many times that H wants to go away and do day things alone and I make arrangements for my parents or older son to look after my other two. 

My H's ex doesn't have a car. She uses her mothers car. 

And, I don't know how much it costs per week to raise my own kids. We buy food weekly/bi weekly and are frugal with how much we spend. Most other things my kids need, I use the $100.00 a week I get for child support to cover it.

Edited to add: That my ex recently told me that his gf didn't want my kids at her home any more. That he mentioned something about the kids staying the weekend w/him and she said "don't forget I live here too." I'm sure it was said, because my 22 y.o. who used to stay at his dad's a couple nights a week, to save on the drive time to work, no longer stays. He drives 40 minutes one way to work, on good day.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

LadybugMomma said:


> First, I want to say, I'm not arguing your point of view. I try to be open minded and I truly want to get this marriage right. But so often it feels like I am the one who has to or is expected to shut up and put up, just because this is what I "signed up for." Does H have no obligations to me, my wants/needs or my children's needs? Yes, I understand when it comes to kids, they come first. But when custody is shared and it's agreed upon, visits are every other weekend and his EX, decides she doesn't want to mom any more, because she's in a relationship and trying to make things work.....I'm supposed to just lay down and let it happen? Let whatever it is that SHE wants to be had? I don't feel that's right. When it's H's weekend with the kids, in the event we had to do something that the kids couldn't attend, we wouldn't take the kids back to her. We'd make arrangements for someone to look after them until we got home. I just feel if she does't want to parent on her weekends, then it's up to her to find a sitter, just as we would be expected to do.


Your OP was "am I being unreasonable" the simple answer is yes.

Your husband only sees his kids every second weekend and yet you are having a go at his ex and implying that "she doesn't want to be a mum anymore" when she is the one doing the vast majority of the parenting.

Do you think that your husband deserves to have a new relationship but his ex wife doesn't?

It sounds like life is going to implode in your household and sorry to say but you are causing a lot of it yourself. You are in a blended family, nothing goes to plan and everything is challenging. You have the power to get your life back on track but to do that you have to lose the resentment and the need to overpower and manipulate your husbands life. He has kids, he has an ex and so do you, this is the fun world of blended families, you have to bend and flex to fit this world because it won't change to suit you.

Only the tough and truly loving survive blended families. Decide what it is you really want, a happy family and marriage or to be right.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> Your OP was "am I being unreasonable" the simple answer is yes.
> 
> Your husband only sees his kids every second weekend and yet you are having a go at his ex and implying that "she doesn't want to be a mum anymore" when she is the one doing the vast majority of the parenting.
> 
> ...


So then it's fair to tell H's ex that he and I are trying to make a marriage work and she should have the kids every weekend while we do? She can tend to her new relationship every other weekend, just as we do. Just as they agreed upon. 

I want a happy life and marriage, but I also want it to be some what fair. I don't want to be a door mat. Nor do I want my H to be a door mat to her.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

LadybugMomma said:


> Sadly, I have my children full time. The agreement w/my ex is that he is to have the kids every other weekend until they are old enough to decided for themselves. My kids are 22, 19 & 14. My 22 y.o. obviously takes care of himself, however he still lives at home. He sees his dad the most, because they work together. My 19 yo, not clinically diagnosed but suspected to be high functioning Aspergers, lives at home and needs reminding of many day to day things, such as showering. He very rarely sees his dad, same goes for my 14 yo. It's not that they don't want to but if their dad doesn't come for them or isn't available for them, they can't see him. There are many times that H wants to go away and do day things alone and I make arrangements for my parents or older son to look after my other two.
> 
> My H's ex doesn't have a car. She uses her mothers car.
> 
> ...


OP please stand back and read all your posts here. You pretty much have your 3 grown children full time. This is a big call for your new husband especially as he only has his 4 days a month.

Your husband was not paying CS for his own children but if yours are in the home full time then they are costing a fair bit of money for feed, water and shelter.

No doubt you feel a bit like I am having a go, well yes I am in a way. You wanted to know if you are being unreasonable and if we were to write this all out on a ledger than it is a no brainer, you are indeed being unreasonable. Life is mostly about you and your kids yet when your husbands ex (who really doesn't get much in the way of support and 90 or more % of the child raising responsibilities) want to make a minor change she is painted as the bad person.

Your marriage will implode if things don't change, you seem to have a lot of resentment about the ex wife. Why give other people so much power over you? Stand by your husband and work together to build a cohesive blended family. It can be done but it is a lot of hard work.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

LadybugMomma said:


> So then it's fair to tell H's ex that he and I are trying to make a marriage work and she should have the kids every weekend while we do? She can tend to her new relationship every other weekend, just as we do. Just as they agreed upon.
> 
> I want a happy life and marriage, but I also want it to be some what fair. I don't want to be a door mat. Nor do I want my H to be a door mat to her.


She has the kids 26 days a month while your husband has the 4 days a month.

Do you even like his kids?


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> If the ex opted out of CS and your husband only has his kids every second weekend can you explain where the ex is being so demanding? If the kids are only there 4 days a month how is that impacting your life so greatly? It doesn't add up or do you want to have his kids less?
> 
> Your husband is a parent, if anything he should be doing more. If your kids are having issues that is serious but they did not put themselves in this new family, you did so it is your responsibility not theirs, your husbands or his ex.


He and his ex never had a 'set schedule' in the divorce. The current schedule they have is what THEY decided on. It was done verbally, never put in writing so in the eyes of the court it never happened. H's ex, took him to court for support (which I agree, he should pay) on the complaint that in her eyes, he doesn't see them enough, even though he and she verbally agreed on the current schedule as being the best for each other and the kids. 

Now she's saying that it never happened and that H isn't inconvenienced because she picks the kids up from him on his weekend. The Judged ruled (of course) for him to start paying support. A week later H's ex, says something came up with a co worker who she rode to work with and she said he needed to start picking up and bringing the kids home on his weekend. 

How is it right that she can use the claim that she picks them up from H, but then turn around and tell him that he needs to pick them up and bring them home? Things in her life suddenly aren't convenient for her, so now it's okay for H to bring them home too? When she, only a week ago, said he wasn't inconvenienced by it because she picked them up. 

I'm happy with the schedule H & his ex agreed on. He goes on Tuesday's and spends time with the kids and they come to our house every other weekend. And I'm looking forward to the long weekend coming up for Thanksgiving that my step children will be with us longer, with extended family coming etc. 

And I agree, my children's issues are mine to deal with and not my kids, my H's or his ex's. And you are correct, I put them in this situation. They didn't ask for it. However, as the person who DOES have to address it, when my child says it would put her over the edge (dealing with mental health,cutting and suicidal thoughts) if my step children were here every weekend, (mind you because H's ex is trying to make a life) I am going to take my child's needs into consideration above H's ex's, period.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> She has the kids 26 days a month while your husband has the 4 days a month.
> 
> Do you even like his kids?


Yes, I do like his kids. 

Why am I the bad guy for what the two of them decided on for a visitation schedule?


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> OP please stand back and read all your posts here. You pretty much have your 3 grown children full time. This is a big call for your new husband especially as he only has his 4 days a month.
> 
> Your husband was not paying CS for his own children but if yours are in the home full time then they are costing a fair bit of money for feed, water and shelter.
> 
> ...


I truly appreciate your advice. Thank you.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

LadybugMomma said:


> Yes, I do like his kids.
> 
> Why am I the bad guy for what the two of them decided on for a visitation schedule?


You are not the bad guy, you are the person that is here asking if you are being reasonable. TBH I don't think you are being OTT unreasonable but in the context of a blended family you are missing the point of success hinging on flexibility and compromise. Without those two things life will be an never ending battle. You can either steer your life into battle or you can avoid it.

Look I get it, life in a blended family is super hard, the vast majority of people fail at it, I really don't want to see you be one of those people. I am sorry to be so harsh on you but you are here asking randoms on a forum. Look back through this thread, you agree with those that agree with you, life would be so easy if that is all it took to succeed at this. But second marriages fail more often than first, money and kids being the two main problem areas.

And so what if his ex has changed an arrangement? You can handle this in various ways:
Be antagonistic towards the ex. This will back fire on you without a doubt.
or
accept this new change and just get on with it. Yep it pisses you off but that will fade away if you learn to accept that blended families do not run to a fixed plan. Yep his ex pisses you off BTDT but trust me it is in everyone's best interests that animosity be avoided as much as possible.

OP I really think you should take a step back and look at the situation, you and your husband have your kids at home far more than you have his kids there. That in itself is not an issue but when you get pissed about him having to put more time and effort so he can see his kids (regardless of what his ex does to cause this) this actually screams out selfish on your part. 

Being a step parent is hard work, being in a blended family is hard work. I wish you well with it all. If you ever want to have a private chat feel free to PM.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

LadybugMomma said:


> However, as the person who DOES have to address it, when my child says it would put her over the edge (dealing with mental health,cutting and suicidal thoughts) if my step children were here every weekend, (mind you because H's ex is trying to make a life) I am going to take my child's needs into consideration above H's ex's, period.


So if your husband had the chance to have his kids live with you full time? It could happen for any reason, he's supposed to say no, because your daughter doesn't like it?


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

frusdil said:


> So if your husband had the chance to have his kids live with you full time? It could happen for any reason, he's supposed to say no, because your daughter doesn't like it?


It's not that she "doesn't like it." It's due to the point she's at in her life right now, dealing with mental health issues. I am working on getting her healthy. If she were well and simply didn't like it, then it would be a different story.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Also, it's been discussed that her husband isn't being completely supportive of LBM either. He has some issues that will need to be addressed. LBM needs to look at her own choices, too, such as letting him make the decisions on how the 'family' moves forward. IMO, therapy for all is in order.


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