# What Does He Mean? Need Men's Help!



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

My husband and I were having a relatively calm conversation yesterday and he said a few things I don't really understand.

Now, I can't give you ALL the information, because I don't know it either, but if you could try to give me some advice to as what he might mean and what I'm doing wrong, it would help tremendously.

He said:

"You don't like me, let alone care about me."

"If you would quit criticizing me and belittling me, we could have a great relationship."

"You treat me like I don't even matter."

Now, mind you - I am not perfect, but he wouldn't provide any examples.

Could it be that I'm so immersed in the "caretaker" role that I've ignored him as a man? If so, how?

I do fuss at him when he picks up a drink as he is not supposed to be drinking and he said that it doesn't help when I fuss about it - so I've decided just to keep my mouth shut.

But I don't understand the remainder of his comments. I do everything for this man - take care of his physical needs (meds, dr appt's, food, etc.), I keep the house clean, I work, run all the errands, etc. How is that not showing him I love him? 

He thinks I don't even like him, WTF? I "like" him too much, the reason I was trying to detach and balance things out.

He's said before that he thinks I'm still there because I feel sorry for him - what? Why would I put up with all this crap if I just felt sorry for him? 

Any ideas as to what I'm doing wrong? I tried to think and think about it last night and I don't understand WHY he feels this way.

HELP!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think they're the comments of a man who is depressed. His world view will be “black”.

Bob


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AFEH said:


> I think they're the comments of a man who is depressed. His world view will be “black”.
> 
> Bob


He is on anti-depressents twice daily (Paxil). Perhaps they are not working...we have an appt with our counselor the end of this month, I'll have him address it then.

If his world view is "black", what can I do to help him?

Apparently everything I'm doing is wrong, the man thinks I don't even like him - this was quite a surprise to me...I said - what?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Come on guys...no one has any idea as to what is going on here?

If you don't, then I sure as hell am in trouble because I definitely don't!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> He is on anti-depressents twice daily (Paxil). Perhaps they are not working...we have an appt with our counselor the end of this month, I'll have him address it then.
> 
> If his world view is "black", what can I do to help him?
> 
> Apparently everything I'm doing is wrong, the man thinks I don't even like him - this was quite a surprise to me...I said - what?


May be good to take a look at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depression_(mood).

I think it very much depends on as to whether your H wants to be depressed, or not. So I’d ask him something like “Do you want to get out of your depression, or do you want to stay depressed?”.

If he wants to stay depressed I can’t see what you do will make any difference. If he wants to get out of his depression then there are many things that can be done. Depressed people can’t see the beauty around them. This is because their thoughts are locked in past bad events and a bleak outlook. So basically the best way out of depression is to “live in the now” and see the beauty around in everyday things. And to get a new hobby which they get immersed in.

Bob


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I think Bob's right. Sounds like a lot of self-pity talk. He's pointing at you - but really just putting himself down as if he doesn't deserve your help and attention.

Depression meds are funny. Something that works great for Person A will have little effect on Person B. The "classic" ones like Paxil will also take 4-6 weeks before they really take effect.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

It could be a number of things, but when I first read the post before I read anyone elses responses, the first thing that came to mind was, pity,he wants pity. I think part of it is he is caught up in the "I'm the victim role" when it fact it was more of you that has been. But you know, people who don't own up to much has to blame someone, and if that means playing the pity card, as in, "you don't like me," or whatever, they will. I also think there some depression there too of course.

Also I know you asked for a mans help but because my husband is a recovering alcoholic, I can relate in the fact he used to act that way too, he blamed me for lots of things and loved to roll around in self pity. He can be like that from time to time now, even though he hasn't had a drink in almost 2 years. Also if your husband has had issues with drinking and he still drinks then he isn't really recovering. Of course you can't make him and I'm sure you are aware of that. Alanon would teach you more a bout what to do or how handle things like that when he drinks or gets like that too.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> I think Bob's right. Sounds like a lot of self-pity talk. He's pointing at you - but really just putting himself down as if he doesn't deserve your help and attention.
> 
> Depression meds are funny. Something that works great for Person A will have little effect on Person B. The "classic" ones like Paxil will also take 4-6 weeks before they really take effect.


He's been on the Paxil for a few months now and I don't think it's working. He's not interested in anything he used to do before, when he's not at his dr appt's, he just sits in the house watching TV and surfing the computer - does hardly anything else (except cook occasionally). I try to get him out, suggest things he could be interested in and nothing is working.

Yesterday was just really shocking for me - when he said I don't like him and make him feel like nothing, etc., I really didn't know what he was talking about - I can be a b**** like we all can, but I don't personally think I've done anything that would make him think I don't like him...weird.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AgentD said:


> It could be a number of things, but when I first read the post before I read anyone elses responses, the first thing that came to mind was, pity,he wants pity. I think part of it is he is caught up in the "I'm the victim role" when it fact it was more of you that has been. But you know, people who don't own up to much has to blame someone, and if that means playing the pity card, as in, "you don't like me," or whatever, they will. I also think there some depression there too of course.
> 
> Also I know you asked for a mans help but because my husband is a recovering alcoholic, I can relate in the fact he used to act that way too, he blamed me for lots of things and loved to roll around in self pity. He can be like that from time to time now, even though he hasn't had a drink in almost 2 years. Also if your husband has had issues with drinking and he still drinks then he isn't really recovering. Of course you can't make him and I'm sure you are aware of that. Alanon would teach you more a bout what to do or how handle things like that when he drinks or gets like that too.



Yeah, drinking is an issue. A couple of beers here and there would be fine, but once he gets started, he doesn't stop.

He did stop for almost 2 months and then started again and won't discuss why. I think it's a major depression too - he needs different meds or more meds. 

I just feel so bad that he thinks I don't like him, it's really bothering me as to what I might have done to him to make him feel this way - now I'm rehashing what I do/say and wondering if maybe there is something I'm doing that I'm not aware of.

He did make a comment a few days ago that he has a poor self image...and I don't get it. He is very smart, extremely handsome, even at his age - the women still think he's cute (me too!), is very handy (can do anything with his hands and I mean anything), and as a BIG PLUS - he is great in bed (ED problems aside, no issue for me). He has a lot going for him and he apparently can't see it. I've been trying to build him up, compliments, laughing at his jokes, etc. NOTHING IS WORKING!!

I'll have to readdress depression with his counselor.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AFEH said:


> May be good to take a look at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depression_(mood).
> 
> I think it very much depends on as to whether your H wants to be depressed, or not. So I’d ask him something like “Do you want to get out of your depression, or do you want to stay depressed?”.
> 
> ...


Thanks Bob, I'll do some research on depression. I've seen a lot of the signs, but he keeps saying "I'm ok," "I'm ok," when I ask him if he's alright and/or depressed.

I've been through this before with him after a stroke in 1999, but he seemed to bounce back better than he is now. Don't know what's changed...

I'll get his doctor involved, that should help.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I agree it does sound like depression and frankly, there's nothing you can do to "fix him". If he's depressed and more importantly, not really working to dig himself out of it, then nothing anyone else does is going to be right.

If you flutter around and pay him all kinds of attention and kiss his behind.....you're smothering him and making him crazy.

If you detach and do your own thing....you're ignoring him and obviously hate him.

It's a no-win as long as he's living in that hole. The best you can do is provide some outside feedback to his medical team about what's going on, but in the end, brain injury or no, he's got to work some of this stuff out. Whether it's through therapy for his PTSD or stabilizing his medication ****tail, it's his deal to take lead on. You can support it, but you can't drive it. That's just the reality of it.

Although I do have to say that if I were you, I'd be a heck of a lot more concerned with him continuing to drink, given what has happened in the past when he does.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

if he has a true drinking issue a few beers here and there actually are not ok. BUT anyway....

I know you mentioned before too, some issues with sex, do you think maybe some of his meds are why?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

When I was with my first wife who was a drug addict she would sometime do the whole pity party thing. It worked with me for awhile because she would lay so much guilt on me, I would feel bad. 

After I realized I did all I could, that I was only at fault for the things I had done, not for her issues, and once I started to feel better about myself and wasn't so co-dependent etc, then whenever she pulled a pity party, I no longer felt guilty. I know it was just her way of blaming me. I knew I had done what I could etc, and the rest was up to her. 

I see alot of self pity and blaming from people who are addicts, or people who have other kinds of mental issues and poor self esteem as well. I do believe he knows you have tried to help, that you do alot for him, that you do in fact care for him and love him. The main thing is, he doesn't care and love himself. That also might be one reason he still treats you like he does, if someone can't love themselves they sure can't another person. They can't give you, what they do not themselves have. 

I do believe in change, however, right now, I believe you will be with a man who will continue on with his behaviors, with blame, guilt and self pity until he changes himself. You will be the one he lays all of this on because he isn't ready to stop some of these behaviors. Yes, some of this is medical issues and I get that, but some things he DOES have control over, he is just choosing not to.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

trey69 said:


> When I was with my first wife who was a drug addict she would sometime do the whole pity party thing. It worked with me for awhile because she would lay so much guilt on me, I would feel bad.
> 
> After I realized I did all I could, that I was only at fault for the things I had done, not for her issues, and once I started to feel better about myself and wasn't so co-dependent etc, then whenever she pulled a pity party, I no longer felt guilty. I know it was just her way of blaming me. I knew I had done what I could etc, and the rest was up to her.
> 
> ...


And I have to agree with you on some of what you said - there are things he DOES have control over, he is just choosing not to. Hard to tell what those are exactly, with ALL his medical/mental and physical issues, but I do also believe there's a CAN'T and WON'T. I think some of it is WON'T, versus CAN'T and I know I can't help him with that. 

Now though, I'm wondering what it is I'm doing that is NOT HELPING. Guess I'll keep working to figure out what part I play in it. 

Thanks for the response.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AgentD said:


> if he has a true drinking issue a few beers here and there actually are not ok. BUT anyway....
> 
> I know you mentioned before too, some issues with sex, do you think maybe some of his meds are why?


:iagree:, but I can't stop him drinking also - have already figured that out. I think he does it because it makes him forget how things have turned out for him with the TBI. Maybe a self-medicating pity-party - but it's hard not to feel sorry for him with everything that he CAN'T control.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> I agree it does sound like depression and frankly, there's nothing you can do to "fix him". If he's depressed and more importantly, not really working to dig himself out of it, then nothing anyone else does is going to be right.
> 
> If you flutter around and pay him all kinds of attention and kiss his behind.....you're smothering him and making him crazy.
> 
> ...


I am CONCERNED about the drinking, but like others have said, I can't stop this either, he has to do it himself. He knows what the issues are, how it mixes with his meds, etc., and still chooses to do so.

His doctor's don't know, but I'm going to make sure that they do, whether it pisses him off or not. I will not stand by and watch him hurt himself this way and leave me a young widow.

So time to woman up on this issue and I plan to do so!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

No reason to take Paxil twice daily.

There are other medications that offer more.

Citalopram and Sertraline are very cheap and very effective.

If you have good insurance Cymbalta may also help. It's like a supercharged version of Prozac/Fluoxetine.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Conrad said:


> No reason to take Paxil twice daily.
> 
> There are other medications that offer more.
> 
> ...


We have VA and also Tricare, so it will cover anything that the doctor orders. 

Dr put him on Paxil twice daily because one dose wasn't working, well I'm not so sure two doses is working either.

When we see him next (in about a week and a half), I will address other anti-depressents with doctor.

Something has to give - he is cold, distant, emotionally and physically detached and not sure how much more I can deal with. 

After yesterday, may not need to worry about it. I got some things off my chest I had been holding in and he didn't take it too well, so maybe I won't have him to worry about much longer anyway...


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Its good you got some things off your chest. Try not to worry about his reaction, that's on him not you! Continue taking care of you, MWIL!


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