# My story



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Ive posted a lot on here but never really shared my story. For some strange reason now that the marriage will probably end i feel the need to share it. so for what its worth, here it goes. 

I met my H when I was 24. I had a rather rough past including losing my athletic scholarship and being put on academic probation due to some mental illness problems. After a couple years I had my life on track and was doing very well for myself. I met my H and i thought he was perfect. I'd never had a boyfriend that I ever gave a second thought to. Never been in love before, not even close. I didnt even know what it felt like. The funny thing was, when he left to go back to school and i came home crying to my mom, i had no idea why i was crying. mom my said, 'you're in love.' and i was shocked. but when she said that i realized i was. 

I gave up my career, my family, and my friends and moved with him when he finished college and got his first job. Things hit an ultimate low for me. He seemed really distant from me, i felt like i was constantly vieing for his attention, and he never wanted to be intimate with me. Then i found porn on his computer and i was crushed. i found out he had been hiding it from me. he had been to websites for sexual encounters. he hid magazines in his car. whenever we got in a fight, he looked at porn so he felt better. he never wanted to talk to me. he just wanted to feel good. 

along with the porn i also found very disturbing letters from his mom. in one of them i found an exchange of emails of them both discussing whether or not i was really a virgin. it was absolutely sickening. his mom was asking if there was blood, and there was an exchange from him arguing with her about it. 

I blocked his mom's email and when i found out she was coming for the weekend i packed up my stuff and left. i told him to set things straight with her or i wasnt coming back. 

after a few years of fighting about his mom and the porn, i started really losing my temper. I started suffering from mental illness again, too. something i had worked so hard to keep away from. i went to counseling and started working on myself again. after a year or so of working on myself, i felt like i had my footing. he stopped looking at porn, stopped talking to his mom, and went to counseling. he started to really talk to me and genuinely apologize. i really thought things were looking up for us. I stopped losing my temper and my mental illness has subsided. 

Then a couple days ago my world became tragically surreal. I received text messages from him saying he had 'visions' that were 'very bad'. He later confessed to me that he had visions of killing me. Brutally killing me. 

Im just sick. Im beside myself. I just cant believe this is happening to me. I knew he had an anger problem. Ive seen him around his mom and he physically intimidates her. I knew eventually the hate would turn on me, but i had no idea he was this sick. 

Its been three days since the incident and he's done nothing. He hasnt called his counselor and he told me he doesnt want to go to anger management classes because 'he'd be embarrassed.' And he says he feels fine now.

So it is over with us. I will stay here for the next two months to finish out my semester and then go live with my mom. Im so heartbroken in how this has turned out. 

I dont think I will be coming around here very much anymore. i dont feel i have anything to say anymore. Im crushed and confused and it will probably take all my energy to get through the next couple of months. 

Thank you to all those who have tried to help me. I really did appreciate it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Blanca-
I love the new name, at least I can actually pronounce it 

It's so sad to read your story. You are a very private person and I often wondered when you would post your own thread. Now that you are actually opening up please don't hit and run. You have given so much help to others and now it's your turn to receive.

Sometimes complex people feel their situation is so unique that no-one can understand them, let alone help. But the power of the internet is such that there is often at least one person who has face something similar.

​


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Thanks for your support you guys. you are right MT. sometimes i do feel like no one could understand my issues. 

all ive been doing the last couple of days is crying. im just so confused. i dont even know what to say.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

Blanca, I'm really sorry to hear about what you have been going through. I hope you stick around TAM, you have been a wonderful person to have on the site - you've helped many people over the course of the past year. You are very compassionate and level-headed. I'm sure you'll do what you have to in order to take care of yourself.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Blanca said:


> all ive been doing the last couple of days is crying. im just so confused. i dont even know what to say.


Having read so many of your posts, I was shaken to read this thread yesterday. You need to be strong at this time, and we are all here for you.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Blanca-

Just because you have some history of mental problems does not mean that you are being "crazy" right now. Your response of getting the hell out of there sounds very sensible. From your boundary work you must realise that death threats are a deal breaker.

Just keep talking so that we can all give you feedback.

I did wonder if you could get a room at the campus where you are studying. I think if you can possibly move out to somwhere neutral and safe, you should grab it with both hands.


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## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

Hi Blanca

Just read your posts and the other responses. I hope you are doing okay. You have many friends here and sometimes just reading their responses are helpful as you know people are there for you. You have overcome things before and can do it again, it can be a long road ahead but you will be all the stronger for it.

XX


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement. I have really appreciated it. You are right mommy, I am a fighter. Ive just never been in a situation where I didnt know what i was fighting before. 

I am doing better now. I am actually not worried about him hurting me. Im extremely hurt because he thought of it. 

And you know what started this entire disaster, I slept on the couch. that's it. he got that angry because i slept on the couch. and it didnt even have anything to do with him. i had had an extremely long week, i was having some emotional problems, and i sleep better by myself. that's all it was. 

He signed up for anger management, is talking to his counselor, and talks to me. what do you guys think?


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## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

Blanca-

"Go as far as you can see, then you will be able to see further". Just take it one day at a time and don't ever believe you have nothing to contribute to this site just because you are having a tough time right now. I bet most people found this site because they were in a tough spot and if everyone on this site can help just one person, we are all better for it. There are some really amazing people on here who want to be here for you. Keep at it, you will figure things out one day at a time.

This is a wonderful community of very giving people, and you are one of them.

Stay strong!!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Blanca said:


> He signed up for anger management, is talking to his counselor, and talks to me. what do you guys think?


Don't be a martyr. You have been battling with this guy for years. You did not always handle him well, but nothing excuses a death threat. It's not your duty to withstand that. Stop trying to be super-human. You are wanting a fairytale of a perfect marriage first time.

After nearly 20 years I am in a good marriage, but we are both reasonable people, and even then it took time.

20 years with this guy could kill you.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Junebug said:


> Blanca-
> 
> "Go as far as you can see, then you will be able to see further". Just take it one day at a time


thank you junebug. i actually think i breathed a sigh of relief after reading this. 

ah MT i just knew that's what you'd tell me. I was actually worried about posting that i was thinking of staying because i knew id get this reaction. and i cant say i blame you. 

i did want the fairy-tale marriage. and i did think he'd be the guy to sweep me off my feet. i feel like quoting that one song.lol. but i realize its not.

but im curious, how am i playing the martyr?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Blanca said:


> but im curious, how am i playing the martyr?


I did not say you were yet, I'm saying don't contemplate it. Or contemplate it, and then realise it ain't worth it.

You could be such a gift to the right guy, and he likewise could make you very happy. It's true that one should not seek fulfilment in another, but it's also true that noting beats a good marriage unless you're super-human.

We have been going through some tough times lately with business but we've had each other to lean on, and it's really brought us closer.

You can find that - when you give up the "struggle".


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## wantingmore (Nov 24, 2008)

I wish I could give you a hug! I know you are strong enough to make it through this and you are worth it.

When I first came here I identified with you the most, and you helped me realize a lot of the mistakes I was making in my relationship. 
So I just wanted to offer my support and to say I hope you stay on this forum.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

thank you wantingmore. that is really so sweet of you. i wont be going anywhere. i was having a moment of despondency, which thankfully has passed. 

MT I do understand what you mean about trying to be super-human. I think you are right in a lot of ways there. And that probably plays into becoming the martyr. 

But i do not understand what you mean by saying i could have a good relationship if i gave up the 'struggle.' what do you mean by that exactly?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Blanca said:


> But i do not understand what you mean by saying i could have a good relationship if i gave up the 'struggle.' what do you mean by that exactly?


I meant that you are convinced that it's your moral duty to bash your relationship into shape no matter how much of your energy it takes. All I see is a weary fighter.

If you dropped this guy, and found an easy-going guy, life could be easier. I worked on my marriage because it was obvious that it could be easily improved, and that the result would be worth waiting for.

You have to make that same judgement about yours.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> I meant that you are convinced that it's your moral duty to bash your relationship into shape no matter how much of your energy it takes. All I see is a weary fighter.
> 
> If you dropped this guy, and found an easy-going guy, life could be easier. I worked on my marriage because it was obvious that it could be easily improved, and that the result would be worth waiting for.
> 
> You have to make that same judgement about yours.


He was a free easy going guy when we were first dating. I did find that and i thought it would always be that way. I think that's why all of this is so much more difficult. this is not the person i thought i signed up to be with the rest of my life. 

I dont know about feeling like its my moral duty to make this work. on one level, ya i do. i made a promise and that's not something i do lightly. I said for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. I would never leave to try and find something easier. On the other hand, i dont have kids with him yet and i know that i need to decide what im going to do before i have kids. 

Leaving is not an easy decision, and one i think many people struggle with; when is it enough, when is my promise to stick around through sickness going beyond a healthy level. Is all this effort going to be for nothing twenty years down the road when i find out i should have left years ago. Or will my story be the one that makes it, the one couple that worked through it all and made it. I often think of mommy22's story. And i think of StrongEnough's story. I think of Void's story, and i think of all my sister's stories, and others in my family. Through all the generations of the pain, the loss, and the triumph and i often wonder what does it really mean to fail.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Blanca said:


> Leaving is not an easy decision, and one i think many people struggle with; when is it enough, when is my promise to stick around through sickness going beyond a healthy level.


When you get death threats, you have to realise that no mater how difficult you have been (and you ain't easy), your husband might be a psychopath! 

But I support you in whatever choice you make. However, only the ultra-religious think they have to stay on no matter what. he has broken the contract already - To love and to cherish? I don't think so...


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

well it wasnt exactly a death threat, if that makes any difference. 

I have decided, today, to stick it out. I mentioned in another thread that i see this in a way as progress, due to other factors, which I can understand as being a very naive perspective to some. Nonetheless, im still in it so we'll see what happens.


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