# First Mother's Day expectations



## Mamina (Jan 5, 2017)

I don’t like the way I feel, so I thought there is no better place to go and vent than here. Yesterday was my first Mother’s day. Ever since my daughter was born, I feel so proud to be a mom. It gives me fulfillment that I did not know and I love her the way I’ve never loved before. 

I know this might sound ridiculous to some, but as Mother’s day was getting closer, I was feeling excited how special day it will be. Yep, my own expectations set me for disappointment. For a couple of week I was giving a little hints to my husband. I did not want much, maybe a mug with our daughter’s picture or something that says mom and daughter. Something really simple that I can hold on for years to come knowing it was my first mother’s day. Deep down, I also wanted to be acknowledged by my husband for a good job I do. We live away from any family we have, so taking care of our baby is entirely up to us. I chose to breastfeed, even though it was very painful at the beginning, but I did not give up and keep going for almost one year now. Both, my husband and I, have full time jobs, but it is me that wakes up every night to feed our baby or simply get her back to sleep. He hardly ever does. He can’t even hear her. I guess because of those things, I felt I deserve to hear how proud he is.

However, none of it happened. My husband got flowers from a local grocery store, then shook my hand, gave me a hug and said Happy Mother’s day. 
I felt so disappointed and still do. It hurt my feelings to see how little effort he made. 
I hope that by writing it out, I will get over it faster. Or maybe I am the one being unfair to him for having high expectations. I don’t know. I know that the real gift is to be a mom and that’s what really matters. Any advice on how to get over it? Am I being childish?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Shook your hand? lol I guess as a man I can see how that means "job well done" but from a husband to a wife that's certainly under whelming. It's easy to see why you were disappointed, sadly I can't tell you how to get over it but will warn you maybe you need to get use to it. The guy doesn't seem to have the emotional or mental capacity to recognize feelings or acknowledge appreciation the way you wish. Do speak up though, you don't need to make a big fight out of it but just express your disappointment at the lack of a heart felt acknowledgement.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Did you mean that he held your hand, or literally he shook it? There's a big difference. 

Maybe he's not as apt or comfortable at displaying affection. And don't drop hints using Hintese. Some men need point-blank honest requests and expectations. You are not wrong to ask for things you want or need. Otherwise, you are expecting him to be a bit of a mind reader and you will no doubt be disappointed by the end result.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You are both new parents and so are likely both over-stressed and tired. He did get you flowers, it may not be his fault that he missed the mark on doing what you wanted / expected. 

You may see different signs of love. You may tell him that he is a great dad, but those words may not mean as much to him as other things do.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Do your entire family a huge favor and knock it off with the "hints" bull****.

If you want something, make it known.


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## Mamina (Jan 5, 2017)

He did not have to read my mind. I sent him web links that told more than enough. Besides that, I have been with him for 18 years now so he knows me a little.


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## Mamina (Jan 5, 2017)

Satya said:


> Did you mean that he held your hand, or literally he shook it? There's a big difference.
> 
> Maybe he's not as apt or comfortable at displaying affection. And don't drop hints using Hintese. Some men need point-blank honest requests and expectations. You are not wrong to ask for things you want or need. Otherwise, you are expecting him to be a bit of a mind reader and you will no doubt be disappointed by the end result.


He shook it! Then realized it was kinda silly, so he hugged me while holding my hand. I sent him web links with ideas. He just never looked at them.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Mamina said:


> He did not have to read my mind. *I sent him web links* that told more than enough. Besides that, I have been with him for 18 years now so he knows me a little.


:lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol:

Passive communication FTW!


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Don't let a meaningless, arbitrary day of marketing cause problems in your marriage. It's nonsense.

He is either a good husband and father or he is not. If he is not, communicate with him directly about what is lacking. If he is, let it go.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Once in a committed relationship, I quit "shaking hands!" Even with my RSXW!

But being the consummate Southern gentleman that I was raised up to be, I did, however, shake her lawyer's hand at the divorce hearing! But I immediately went into the courthouse men's restroom to wash it!

Hell, you never quite know where that hand might have been!*


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

zookeeper said:


> Don't let a meaningless, arbitrary day of marketing cause problems in your marriage. It's nonsense.


This ^^^^


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Mamina said:


> He did not have to read my mind. I sent him web links that told more than enough. Besides that, I have been with him for 18 years now so he knows me a little.


I need to change what I said about getting use to it. After 18 years together you should know what to expect.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Mamina said:


> I know this might sound ridiculous to some, but as Mother’s day was getting closer, I was feeling excited how special day it will be. Yep, my own expectations set me for disappointment. For a couple of week I was giving a little hints to my husband. I did not want much, maybe a mug with our daughter’s picture or something that says mom and daughter. Something really simple that I can hold on for years to come knowing it was my first mother’s day.


You need to get yourself this gift since he didn't. It will not matter in the future whether he got you the gift or you got it yourself...what will matter is the precious moment in time when that you are capturing. Take a picture of you and your baby yourself, take enough pictures until you get one you absolutely love...then get the mug or the momento yourself. You will never regret doing this!

As for your H...I'm sorry, the hints didn't work, but you did get flowers.  I don't mean to minimize, but sometimes you just have to roll with it. Next year, a week or two before Mother's day, tell him exactly what you want and ask him to help arrange for you to get it. Don't bother sending him links, sit down together and do it. You can practice for this next month by sitting down with him to discuss what he'd like for Father's day, and then after it is over just mention that is how you would like things to happen next year on Mother's day...but not with a snarky thing, just acknowledging it was a nice day.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You did get flowers, so he didnt just blow off the day entirely. Just because YOU had a higher expectation doesnt make him wrong. What is he like with holidays and birthdays? Does he normally go above and beyond, or does he always kind of "meh" his way through?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Have to ask, how is he with everything else? How does he celebrate birthdays and holidays?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm just going to post some web links here.... 

http://www.whattoexpect.com/forums/...idn-39-t-do-anything-for-mother-39-s-day.html

https://cherigregory.com/how-to-fix-a-non-gift-giving-husband/

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.to...sband-buy-his-wife-a-gift-on-mothers-day/amp/





... Yeah, I bet he didn't read yours, either. 

You should try talking to him.


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

GusPolinski said:


> Do your entire family a huge favor and knock it off with the "hints" bull****.
> 
> If you want something, make it known.


I disagree with this statement. At some point, people need to take some responsibility and do the right thing without being told point blank. It looses meaning if you constantly have to say,"It's our anniversary and I would like you to take me to dinner." Or "next week is my birthday, could you put it in your calendar so you remember?" 

The fact that he brought her flowers is _something_. Some of us would simply like our husband to *say*, "Happy Mother's Day." When you have been through MC and gone through the 5 languages of love and have clearly communicated the kinds of love languages that work for you and these dates, whether it is Valentines Day, Mother's Day, birthdays or anniversaries go unnoticed, telling him that I want something, whether it is acknowledgement, a card, or a diamond ring and needing to keep reminding him makes me feel whiney, cheap, devalued and disrespected. 

I would rather have him say something like "I know our anniversary is coming up, and I don't know what you would like to do. Is there something special you had in mind?" than for me to keep reminding him. At least I would know that he remembered.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Katiebird said:


> I disagree with this statement. At some point, people need to take some responsibility and do the right thing without being told point blank. It looses meaning if you constantly have to say,"It's our anniversary and I would like you to take me to dinner." Or "next week is my birthday, could you put it in your calendar so you remember?"
> 
> The fact that he brought her flowers is _something_. Some of us would simply like our husband to *say*, "Happy Mother's Day." When you have been through MC and gone through the 5 languages of love and have clearly communicated the kinds of love languages that work for you and these dates, whether it is Valentines Day, Mother's Day, birthdays or anniversaries go unnoticed, telling him that I want something, whether it is acknowledgement, a card, or a diamond ring and needing to keep reminding him makes me feel whiney, cheap, devalued and disrespected.
> 
> I would rather have him say something like "I know our anniversary is coming up, and I don't know what you would like to do. Is there something special you had in mind?" than for me to keep reminding him. At least I would know that he remembered.


No argument from me on this sentiment. I'd value it as well. I call it "not needing prompting." Unfortunately, many people (men and women) fundamentally lack the ability to empathize or see beyond themselves or their needs. The issue is not only that he won't just "get the hint" from his wife, he either doesn't care or is simply incapable of being the way she wants and needs. He didn't do nothing, but he clearly didn't do enough or what she wanted. In those cases, I'd strongly suggest she TELL HIM why this was unacceptable or lacking.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

At least you had your child on Mothers Day.

I am full time step mum to our girl, my husbands daughter from his first marriage. We used to have 50/50 custody but she has some special needs that her mother can't cope with, so we now have her full time. Occasionally, very occasionally her mother will ask to have her for the day. We never say no.

Earlier this year, our daughter (I've earnt the right to refer to her as that) had major spinal surgery. My husband and I alternated spending the night with her in the hospital. We fed her, toileted her, comforted her when she cried in pain. We were there for her through everything. Her mother visited her once. ONCE.

I home school her due to these special needs and I'm with her almost all the time.

A few days prior to Mothers Day, her mother rang my husband wanting her for Mothers Day! We were gobsmacked, and though I never let on to our daughter, I was crushed that she wanted to go, but we waved her off with a smile. My husband held me while I sobbed.

So next time you feel unappreciated as a mum, try being a stepmum on Mothers Day.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

frusdil said:


> At least you had your child on Mothers Day.
> 
> I am full time step mum to our girl, my husbands daughter from his first marriage. We used to have 50/50 custody but she has some special needs that her mother can't cope with, so we now have her full time. Occasionally, very occasionally her mother will ask to have her for the day. We never say no.
> 
> ...


Wow. You re awesome. Thanks for sharing that very moving story.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

frusdil said:


> At least you had your child on Mothers Day.
> 
> I am full time step mum to our girl, my husbands daughter from his first marriage. We used to have 50/50 custody but she has some special needs that her mother can't cope with, so we now have her full time. Occasionally, very occasionally her mother will ask to have her for the day. We never say no.
> 
> ...


I am so sorry for you. I don't know how old she is but you it may help to think of it as she knows how much you care about her and she was grasping at the hope that her birth mother cares for her as well, if she sees so little of her mother then she'll take whatever opportunity she gets to spend time with her.
I do agree that her mother wanting her for Mothers Day was a pretty selfish.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm not awesome, just a loving mum 

I can't put into words exactly what I mean, so I hope this doesn't come across as sounding bad...and I absolutely am not angry or upset with my daughter...I completely understand her position and why she wanted to go.

It can be a bitter pill to swallow that that will always be the case, no matter how much she neglects her daughter or how little time she spends with her, my girl's first loyalty will always be to her because she is, after all, her "mother".


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

frusdil said:


> I'm not awesome, just a loving mum
> 
> I can't put into words exactly what I mean, so I hope this doesn't come across as sounding bad...and I absolutely am not angry or upset with my daughter...I completely understand her position and why she wanted to go.
> 
> It can be a bitter pill to swallow that that will always be the case, no matter how much she neglects her daughter or how little time she spends with her, my girl's first loyalty will always be to her because she is, after all, her "mother".


Nothing you've said sounds even remotely bad. It is all perfectly understandable. Your love is evident in you going above and beyond, and even more in your staying the course and not taking any of this as a personal slight.

Often, kids eventually realize the difference between accident of birth, and real love. Keep your chin up. You have reason to be proud and one day your daughter will as well.

OP, sorry about the thread jack. Now back to our re scheduled programming...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Do your entire family a huge favor and knock it off with the "hints" bull****.
> 
> If you want something, make it known.


I agree. Hints = never said at all. Next time be clear and I bet he follows through


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Mamina said:


> Both, my husband and I, have full time jobs, but it is me that wakes up every night to feed our baby or simply get her back to sleep. He hardly ever does. He can’t even hear her. I guess because of those things, I felt I deserve to hear how proud he is.


No surprise there. God forbid his own kid interrupt *his* sleep for work in the morning. Oh wait - YOU work too. But hey, that doesn't count.

The nonsense 'advice' about Mother's Day being a "Hallmark Holiday" is ridiculous. So every other mother in the world gets to be recognized for their hard work and love and dedication but you shouldn't because it's a fake holiday?  Alrighty, then.

He sounds like an idiot but more so, he sounds like an idiot who simply doesn't care enough. Sure, you can lead him by the nose like he's a 4 year old kid and make him do the right thing, but what's the point of that? 

I'd let him know for the next month his lazy ass will be getting up at night with your daughter while YOU stay in bed. Tough if he can't hear her. You _can_ and you'll be courteous enough to wake him up so he can get up and tend to her. You both work so it's HIGH time he did his SHARE.

Then on Father's Day, you can give him a box of crackers from the supermarket and an 'attaboy' clap on the back.


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