# We have peeled the onion



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

My wife told me yesterday:

"When DD died, something died inside me too. I no longer want sex. I know that's unfair to you, but I can't change it, and I'm sorry".

It's been 4-1/2 years since DD died (cancer, 40 yo). However, the sex went away 8 years ago when DD got sick. But I'm not questioning semantics.

This morning, I want to go see an attorney and find myself my own place to live the last months of my life. I am so angry at myself for wasting time and all this money.
I'm so angry at her for trying to placate my feelings and not just telling me the damn truth so I could make better choices.

I am the unwanted member of her family. The "black sheep" .... if you will..... From the time we moved in together, it was ALL aboud DD and DGD. I was a "plan B" marriage, and now, I am a painful hangnail which she can't cut off financially. When DD got sick, her work was essentially over and she became "retired". Of course, that means I will never retire.
She spends money like it's water.

I now live with 9 ****iing cats in my house,under my feet, pooping and puking on my floor, and because they came in as ferels from different colonies, we have to operate toddler gates in a makeshift Sally port to keep them from killing each other. Just the thing I want to get up to every day. She leaves and goes out with her friends, even on overnight trips, leaving me with this MESS of a life to take care of, in addition to working FULL TIME at 70 years old.

I probably won't find a woman who wants sex. But I think I'd like to have the chance to try.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I'm very sorry about your daughter, and I hope you find a nice place to live.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think it was his step daughter, but yes, condolences regardless.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TJW said:


> My wife told me yesterday:
> 
> "When DD died, something died inside me too. I no longer want sex. I know that's unfair to you, but I can't change it, and I'm sorry".
> 
> ...


I'm glad to see that you will be moving out. I'm sure your quality of life will vastly improve.

Your wife has been a massive user.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Livvie said:


> think it was his step daughter, but yes, condolences regardless.


Yes, se was my step-daughter, but I loved her deeply and feel an extreme sense of loss. Thank you.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You might be pleasantly surprised how attractive older men are to women. I hope that’s the case for you. You said “months to live.” Are you struggling with a health issue, or are you saying that because you’re 70?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

OP, I am sorry you have had to endure any of this. Death, strife with the wife, lack of sex...its all unfair. I don't have any great advice but just wanted to wish you the best. I know its hurtful and a challenge but I went through something similar when my ex blindsided me by leaving after 20 years of marriage. I only mention it as while its painful at first, it does get better over time. Took me about a year or so but I survived and you will too.


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## DoctorManhattan (Jan 22, 2019)

TJW: for what it's worth, my neighbor just turned 90 yrs old. But talking to this guy, he's still full of life. He still talks about tomorrow and the small things he hopes to accomplish. 
Very smart man, full of knowledge. 
He's alone, only once mentioned his kids, someone did him dirty along the way, but I don't like to pry.

You seeing an attorney sounds like an excellent idea. From reading your other posts, it seems you've taken on your fair share of the load but get taken for granted. At 70 you still have lots of quality time left. You mention you have 'months' left ..make it count. You seem strong minded and level headed enough to know what's important. 
When I find myself asking which direction to go in life, I ask myself...what would I advise my kids? What would I want for them? That usually helps clarify things a bit for me. 
Please don't be anyone's doormat. Nobody should. We don't have to be a-holes but we can set firm boundaries. 

Strength and honor 🙏


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I’m sorry you are going through this. I’m sorry she wasted all those years for you. There is a better life at the other end, no matter how old you are. I hope your health is okay. You can be plenty active at 70. My stepmom met and married her current husband in her late 60’s, 10 years after my dad passed. They have a great life and spend 9 weeks at year vacationing at their beach front condo in Florida.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TJW said:


> This morning, I want to go see an attorney and find myself my own place to live the last months of my life.


Sad you are going through this. You have had more than your share of heartache in this life. At least you wont have to put up with anyone else’s crap and cats going forward. 

Just keep any future female friends at arms length. Unless they are wealthy and want to take care of you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, it's about damn time you woke up! She has been telling you for 8 years that she doesn't want to have sex with you by her actions. 

Leave her selfish, sorry ass.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TJW said:


> My wife told me yesterday:
> 
> "When DD died, something died inside me too. I no longer want sex. I know that's unfair to you, but I can't change it, and I'm sorry".
> 
> ...


Dude are you dying? Hope not.

First off, I like you. Your post are generally always good. But honestly TJW you are just not being truthful with yourself, and I don't think you ever really have been. Until you are it's not going to get better. So here goes.

Even moving out won't fix your problem. Your problem is your pessimism. It's why you didn't leave years ago. You knew who your wife was, everyone told you, don't pretend like you didn't. What you are saying here makes no logical sense. You didn't leave because you just assumed leaving would be worse then staying. That it. Lets stop with the bull. YOU WERE AFRAID. (By the way nothing wrong with that as long as you are honest about it so you can address it.) You can lie to yourself but stop lying to us here, I call people out who I know are lying to me.

If you don't change your thinking, even if you do leave you are still going to be unhappy. You are doing it in this post. I will leave but it's going to suck. MAYBE IT WON'T SUCK but it's going to suck if that is your attitude. I would feel a lot better about your prospects if you were saying, "I gave it my best shot but now it's time for me to go out find my happiness." I would say OK great!

Let me ask you, how can you be any more unhappy? You have been posting about this for years! You are ****ing miserable we all can see it and we have been telling you to do this for years too. Your problem is you have never found your courage to hope. Courage is what makes a good life, not people or outside circumstances, not lots of orgasms, now maybe for a time lack of that can make you unhappy but lack of courage will keep you there. Happy lives come with lots of risk, lots of failures, and lots and lots of hope. That brings success. YOU HAVE AGENCY. Get it? THAT'S WHAT WRONG. The problem isn't even your wife, who basically showed you who she was every single day. You refused to accept it, you refused to admit that you are still responsible for your own happiness. YES YOU, not your orgasm.

Another thing, I don't think it's that unusual for men in their 70s to not get a lot of sex. Most of them miss it but I don't think they want to leave their wives, same goes for wife's with husbands who can no longer perform. And I know they are not miserable all the time. It's just a loss in another long line of losses. I lost my hair, I basically miss it every time I take a picture, I miss it more when I look at old ones. What can I do? That's life. I make my own happiness. If I am not happy, I change it so I am. AND BESIDES THAT, THE POINT OF MY LIFE IS NOT MY OWN PERSONAL HAPPINESS. It's a lot more then that. It's the people who I have made commitments to. It's this world I live in. It's God who will judge me. These guys are not miserable because their marriages, their lives are so much more then sex.

Another thing you have been less then honest about with yourself is telling yourself that sex is the main problem. The main problem is you have a depressed wife who has been morning her dead daughter who died tragically far to young and meanwhile you have been wining about sex and completely passive in your own happiness. Instead of trying to emotionally connect with her and help her mourn and let go. ****ing sit down and cry with her, and talk about how much you loved your step daughter. Remind her you are still there and you want to live the remains of your life with her. Connect! I bet she would be much more likely to want to jump your bones, then if you see her as the crazy depressed cat lady you married. (Sorry but that is what you have been telling her) That's not going to go over with a grieving women or any women. Now maybe you did all that, well then I wrote this specific part for someone else going through this. But I know I am right about one thing, the problem in your marriage isn't sex, it's your disconnect with your wife. Sex is just a symptom, and she told you as much. Now maybe that can't be fixed, but if she is telling you in so many words, "I don't feel connected to you" and you are saying, "oh yeah, well I need you to bend over" that ain't going to work. (Sorry I am in a blunt mood today and have basically given up trying to couch my words.)

The longer I am in marriage the more I am convince that it's whole success is about BEING CONNECTED emotional above all else. The entire health of the marriage and really any relationship is tied to that, assuming there is no other emotional issues that prevent that and both folks invested enough to compromise.

Now maybe you have really tried to connect, given your post I think it's possible and she is just an asshole, then I stand by the pessimism stuff. Frankly at the very least that is not going to be attractive to any women. She doesn't want to sit across from a guy on a date and hear his sob story, she wants a leader who says, my life sucks now but this is my vision and you should want to come along and help. If not your loss just watch me. That's what gets her hot and bothered. 70, 80, 90 however old she it.

Now maybe you really do have months to live, if that is the case then you are screwed and I am sorry. I don't remember reading that from you though so my post is operating from the idea that this is just another statement of pessimism, and if that isn't the biggest tell to show I am right about this I don't know what is.

My overall point is you need to find your courage, be hopeful in your separation, or be hopeful in your marriage. But stop wallowing in your fear or nothing is going to change. Take AGENCY in your own happiness.

@Thumos are you still here, do you see this post, do you hear what I am saying?

I predict and I am usually right about this stuff. With this attitude, If you divorce you will have about a month of sex and then you will see it didn't fix your unhappiness, and you will be lonely and miss your ex-wife. That's because none of this is about your orgasm or your wife being an asshole. It's about you allowing yourself to feel powerless. Just saying.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TJW said:


> My wife told me yesterday:
> 
> "When DD died, something died inside me too. I no longer want sex. I know that's unfair to you, but I can't change it, and I'm sorry".
> 
> ...


I'm sorry of course. Your story is a good caution.

If nothing else, you can get the peace you definitely deserve.

It makes me angry how abhorrently she has treated you.

I'm praying God gives you some peace and happiness.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I also don't think it's really about the sex, or should be. 

This woman doesn't care one fig for you. 

Going off on girls weekends and vacations, not working for almost a decade, spending money like it's water, _all while watching you have to still work full time at age 70 with health problems_. 

No one but the most selfish, uncaring person does THAT.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I didn’t know your backstory and I’m so sorry to learn about all of this. You’re taking the right next steps, it sounds like. Don’t beat yourself up. It is hard to look back at mistakes and regret time wasted but you’ve grown and are much stronger for it, now. Maybe angry too about it but as you work through your issues, life will get better. Sending you hugs and light from another corner of the internet. 💜


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

You know.. my stepson died in 2016, of been in his life ten years at that point. He was only 16. It might as well have been like I wasn’t there. My husband acted as if he was the only one to suffer. Semantics aside, or whatever that phrase is, I’m not using it correctly I’m sure. I can understand how it could be ‘different’ when the child isn’t blood, but the hell if it isn’t just as traumatic a loss for the step parent. 

I could have never used that as an excuse and I still would argue that probably isn’t the real why she’s giving you, but it’s something you wouldn’t dare question she probably thinks so it’s an easy out.
IDK. I’m sorry this is happening to you.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

You deserve peace and freedom. It’s good to hear you choosing that for yourself. Wishing the best.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

70 year old men have plenty of options, especially if you're looking for women in your own age group. I suspect you'll have more options then you realize


Get out and find some happiness. Your health might even improve when you're not miserable.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> 70 year old men have plenty of options, especially if you're looking for women in your own age group.


Hmm. It's encouraging to hear that.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> 70 year old men have plenty of options, especially if you're looking for women in your own age group.


Have heard that, but would think older men and women have too much baggage from too many miles on this planet for that to actually be true.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> Have heard that, but would think older men and women have too much baggage from too many miles on this planet for that to actually be true.


Perhaps it depends how one defines ‘options’?

I have no desire to be married again, and no other arrangements are acceptable to me.

Thankfully, I’m very content as I am on my own. ☺


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> Have heard that, but would think older men and women have too much baggage from too many miles on this planet for that to actually be true.


It's very true.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

minimalME said:


> Perhaps it depends how one defines ‘options’?
> 
> I have no desire to be married again, and no other arrangements are acceptable to me.
> 
> Thankfully, I’m very content as I am on my own. ☺


Indeed. If God forbid I survive my wife, there is no way would care to ever marry again. I have had the best, anything to follow couldnt help but be worse.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

In @TJW case, he has had bad experiences ( at least twice ) in the marriage game. As I recall, his first was a serial unrepentant blatant adulteress. His second has mistreated and neglected him for years. 

He is seeking some peace in his remaining years, and traumatized by two marriages, I doubt that peace for him lies in taking another bite from that apple. In his shoes, a small cabin near a lake with a faithful dog along side me would fill the bill.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

sokillme said:


> If I am not happy, I change it so I am. AND BESIDES THAT, THE POINT OF MY LIFE IS NOT MY OWN PERSONAL HAPPINESS.


A lot of times, unhappiness comes from circumstances beyond our control. If I receive a diagnosis of terminal cancer, or the company I worked for 30 years folds and leaves me on the beach with no retirement, or my wife of 30 years decides to take up full time with my daughter’s 27 yo BF, the unhappiness isnt anything I can fix.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

minimalME said:


> Perhaps it depends how one defines ‘options’?
> 
> I have no desire to be married again, and no other arrangements are acceptable to me.
> 
> Thankfully, I’m very content as I am on my own. ☺


I wouldn't marry again if something happened to Mr D.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Rus47 said:


> In @TJW case, he has had bad experiences ( at least twice ) in the marriage game. As I recall, his first was a serial unrepentant blatant adulteress. His second has mistreated and neglected him for years.
> 
> He is seeking some peace in his remaining years, and traumatized by two marriages, I doubt that peace for him lies in taking another bite from that apple. In his shoes, a small cabin near a lake with a faithful dog along side me would fill the bill.


This is his third marriage. Picker is either busted or never existed.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Rus47 said:


> Have heard that, but would think older men and women have too much baggage from too many miles on this planet for that to actually be true.


Everyone has baggage once they've lived some life. The issue is whether your baggage gets along 😀


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Laurentium said:


> Hmm. It's encouraging to hear that.


Before my father died at 67 he was seeing 3 different women, all near his age.

And he had plenty of baggage.

But he was an optimist and understood women pretty well.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

@TJW, let us know how you're doing.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> 70 year old men have plenty of options,


Yes, I remember an 89 year old who married a 26 year old. And she insisted it was all about love, not money.

J Howard Marshall


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Yes, I remember an 89 year old who married a 26 year old. And she insisted it was all about love, not money.
> 
> J Howard Marshall


Anna Nicole Smith? A fool and his money shall part. Nothing like an OLD fool.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TJW said:


> My wife told me yesterday:
> 
> "When DD died, something died inside me too. I no longer want sex. I know that's unfair to you, but I can't change it, and I'm sorry".
> 
> ...


p


Diana7 said:


> I wouldn't marry again if something happened to Mr D.


people say that all the time, and it’s foolish.

My dad is getting remarried after a 40 yr marriage. He’s 81 and he’s never been divorced. For 4 yrs he said he had no interest in women abd certainly not getting married again. He was full of crap. It was obvious to anyone he was lonely as hell and needed a woman.

nobody can tell the future.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Yes, I remember an 89 year old who married a 26 year old. And she insisted it was all about love, not money.
> 
> J Howard Marshall


There are a lot of marriages of older people and not many have that kind of money.

As for him nobody forced him to buy a wife his granddaughter's age so he was hardly a poor victim.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

minimalME said:


> Perhaps it depends how one defines ‘options’?
> 
> I have no desire to be married again, and no other arrangements are acceptable to me.
> 
> Thankfully, I’m very content as I am on my own. ☺


I don't know what I would do without Mrs. Conan but I would be in no hurry to marry and that is the only way this barbarian will be more than friends with a woman period.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> A lot of times, unhappiness comes from circumstances beyond our control. If I receive a diagnosis of terminal cancer, or the company I worked for 30 years folds and leaves me on the beach with no retirement, or my wife of 30 years decides to take up full time with my daughter’s 27 yo BF, the unhappiness isnt anything I can fix.


As far as I can tell given I have not probably lived more then half my life, happiness is not the default human condition and the pursuit of happiness is a goose chase. It's an idea that is good for selling you stuff.

Better to strive to be content. Contentment is a much longer and stable emotion. You can be unhappy in your present circumstances and still be content with the life you have lived and the person you are.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

sokillme said:


> As far as I can tell given I have not probably lived more then half my life, happiness is not the default human condition and the pursuit of happiness is a goose chase. It's an idea that is good for selling you stuff.
> 
> Better to strive to be content. Contentment is a much longer and stable emotion. You can be unhappy in your present circumstances and still be content with the life you have lived and the person you are.


I can agree with the first paragraph. To summarize, "life sucks and then you die". Happiness is not the default, as witness the misery in most of the world's population.

The second puzzles me a bit. How can I be content if am miserable? Maybe you mean *acceptance* of the inevitable. 

I think this is the situation @TJW is in. He isn't happy for obvious reasons, but has maybe reached acceptance of what is.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Happy for you. Don't date again, not worth it at our old age... just enjoy life and your freedom.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TJW, if you can still have sex, and your wife loves you and you’re happy with her except for that, why not ask her if she’d mind if someone else met that need for you?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> TJW, if you can still have sex, and your wife loves you and you’re happy with her except for that, why not ask her if she’d mind if someone else met that need for you?


He's not happy with her except for that! 

She's toxic. She spends money like water and doesn't work, so he has had to keep working a full time job at 70 years old with health issues. 

Did you read about the 9 feral cats in the house??

She doesn't care one whit about him.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> TJW, if you can still have sex, and your wife loves you and you’re happy with her except for that, why not ask her if she’d mind if someone else met that need for you?


They haven’t had sex in more than 4 years. She obviously not only doesnt love him, she has no empathy at all for him. He is NOT happy with her on any level.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> They haven’t had sex in more than 4 years. She obviously not only doesnt love him, she has no empathy at all for him. He is NOT happy with her on any level.


Per the OP they haven't had sex in 8 years. 8!!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I hope you move out, but based on your exposition of yourself throughout your posts, I doubt that you will.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TJW said:


> My wife told me yesterday:
> 
> *"When DD died, something died inside me too. I no longer want sex. I know that's unfair to you, but I can't change it, and I'm sorry".
> 
> It's been 4-1/2 years since DD died (cancer, 40 yo). However, the sex went away 8 years ago when DD got sick. But I'm not questioning semantics.*


Just her BS excuse.
You have 2 options:
Stay and take what you’re given.
Divorce and go your own way.
Which one sucks the worst?

If you’re thinking of using a threat of divorce to change her it won’t. Maybe a little while but she’ll revert back.

Sorry man but you’re a victim of your own making.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Livvie said:


> He's not happy with her except for that!
> 
> She's toxic. _*She spends money like water and doesn't work, so he has had to keep working a full time job at 70 years old with health issues.🤬*_
> 
> ...


And hasn’t has sex with him in 8 years…..😳

Well, I got nothin…..


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> I can agree with the first paragraph. To summarize, "life sucks and then you die". Happiness is not the default, as witness the misery in most of the world's population.
> 
> The second puzzles me a bit. How can I be content if am miserable? Maybe you mean *acceptance* of the inevitable.
> 
> I think this is the situation @TJW is in. He isn't happy for obvious reasons, but has maybe reached acceptance of what is.


I didn't say be miserable, I said you can be unhappy in your present circumstances and still be content. A good example would be working at a job that makes you unhappy, it may be necessary for a time to do that to improve your financial situation. You can still be content. Think about people whose spouse gets into an accident and they need to care for them for the rest of their life, maybe they have to give up a lot to do that. They very well might not be happy in that circumstance but they still do it because they love them.

The point of life isn't to be happy. It's important but in the last example for instance, it's not as important as keeping your promise.

In OP's situation, I don't think it's acceptance I think it was fear that drove him to inaction. I don't even thing there is anything wrong with that, it's a risk to leave what you know. I just think it's better to accept that that is what it is. Like I wrote I don't think he has ever been honest about his situation an his agency in that situation. That's the real problem.

What is an unsustainable position is to continue to do nothing to change and then complain that nothing is changing. That to me is absolutely going to leave you unhappy, and not because of your situation but because you refuse to accept that you have power to change your situation, or accept that you don't want to.

No one can feel contentment in life with such dissonance of thinking. You certainly can do that if you accept that this is who your spouse is and you don't want to leave. Again not saying you will be happy but you can be content. Lots of people do this in their life.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Eight years😱😱😱😱😱😱


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Everyone deserves a chance at happiness. Don’t squander your chance.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

What always amazes is that the people like @TJW three wives just go on down the yellow brick road, enjoying themselves to the fullest without caring at all about the misery they are inflicting. on other humans. I guess they are of the same ilk as the Putins of the world.

@TJW is evidently busy extricating himself from this travesty. I hope he finds a nice peaceful place in a small town or in the country, gets himself a friendly dog and puts his "wife" firmly in the rear view mirror.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> they are of the same ilk as the Putins of the world.


That's exactly right. My current W is the best one of the 3. At least she keeps a clean home and she is helpful to me with my illnesses. The other two had a world which was cylindrical and centered upon them, what they wanted, how they wanted it, and they didn't give a damn what it cost someone else.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

sokillme said:


> I didn't say be miserable, I said you can be unhappy in your present circumstances and still be content. A good example would be working at a job that makes you unhappy, it may be necessary for a time to do that to improve your financial situation. You can still be content. Think about people whose spouse gets into an accident and they need to care for them for the rest of their life, maybe they have to give up a lot to do that. They very well might not be happy in that circumstance but they still do it because they love them.
> 
> The point of life isn't to be happy. It's important but in the last example for instance, it's not as important as keeping your promise.
> 
> ...



Just to clarify-- it's more important to keep your promise than it is to be happy. Is that what you are saying?


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Well, it's about damn time you woke up! She has been telling you for 8 years that she doesn't want to have sex with you by her actions.
> 
> Leave her selfish, sorry ass.


I'd have left her about the 9 cats alone. That's just disgusting.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

uwe.blab said:


> Just to clarify-- it's more important to keep your promise than it is to be happy.


This is it. I have come to this "place" so many times, it is a crossroad which is difficult. I sacrificed like crazy to keep my promise in the first two instances. I couldn't imagine, that I could be happy if I broke it. I knew I would loathe and despise the man in the mirror. 

Some of you are going to understand, and some of you are not. But I'm going to make it in this way, because I do not completely understand it myself and it's the only way I know to describe it.

There was a time in my life when I did not have a Saviour. While it was true that I knew that "Jesus died for our sins" in a corporate way, until I was 31 I didn't really know or experience that truth on a personal level. It was at that point that I began to look into the mirror and I was beginning to very faintly see another new person. For the first time in my life, I LIKED what I was beginning to see..... it was not just self-hatred..... hatred for being stupid, hatred for being average, hatred for not excelling at my careers, hatred of my looks, hatred of being rejected by my GF sexually because I was retractile and she "thought something was wrong with me"......

You see, it was "ok" if I violated that "old man" in the mirror..... that "old man" wasn't worth any honor. His heart was wicked, his mouth full of blasphemy, he was just another Joe Average trying to make a living and carve out an existence in the world. 

However, the "new man" I was beginning to discern was worthy of honor. Because the "new man" was not me......He was a Man who was full of all compassion, love, help, knowledge, mentorship...... oh, yes, the abilities and accomplishments I had in life were still those of the "old man"...... but because a New Man had come to dwell inside, I could not bring myself to dishonor that New Man. 

I knew what the "old man" would choose in both of those situations. But now, I also knew what the New Man would do....... He would not leave nor forsake. He would never break His promise. He would endure and continue loving, caring, and supporting.

I also know that the New Man is still the same as He was 40 years ago when I asked Him to come into my life and straighten it out. Without the New Man, it would have never happened. I cannot bring honor to myself based upon my deeds or upon my accomplishments. 

However, I am so thankful that the New Man came to dwell with me. To Him belongs the honor. And I owe it to Him to not dishonor Him by breaking my promise.

And, interestingly enough ? My abilities and accomplishments took a dramatic turn toward more success also at that point...... I was playing a date in a church in Fargo ND one night, and the pastor of the church made a statement in his message that we should do what God made us to do...... because "Jesus deserves to have it done". Those few little words were the actual "turning point" of my whole life....... I worked harder, I studied more, I gave more to others, I endured the losses and the sacrifices, and I got up with more vigor and vitality.

Inside me, the "old man" is no different than he was then...... and periodically, the "old man" gets on the "throne" in my life......and, I must reject him and cleave to the New Man.

Soon, I will permanently join the New Man. In fact, according to the bible, I will become a completely new man which is in completely in harmony with Jesus. I am watching and I am waiting. My old heart is weak, The old man is going to be gone. And I am happy. I don't like him. I only like the New Man and only want to be like Him.



drencrom said:


> 'd have left her about the 9 cats alone. That's just disgusting.


It won't be long, friends. While I don't hate cats, I hate what they do in my environment. I hate feeding, scooping, carrying litter to garbage, having to wash out the garbage can every two weeks to prevent maggots......disgusting is an understatement.......


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

TJW said:


> This is it. I have come to this "place" so many times, it is a crossroad which is difficult. I sacrificed like crazy to keep my promise in the first two instances. I couldn't imagine, that I could be happy if I broke it. I knew I would loathe and despise the man in the mirror.
> 
> Some of you are going to understand, and some of you are not. But I'm going to make it in this way, because I do not completely understand it myself and it's the only way I know to describe it.
> 
> ...


We agree on cats, entirely 😊


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

uwe.blab said:


> Just to clarify-- it's more important to keep your promise than it is to be happy. Is that what you are saying?


Yep.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TJW said:


> This is it. I have come to this "place" so many times, it is a crossroad which is difficult. I sacrificed like crazy to keep my promise in the first two instances. I couldn't imagine, that I could be happy if I broke it. I knew I would loathe and despise the man in the mirror.
> 
> Some of you are going to understand, and some of you are not. But I'm going to make it in this way, because I do not completely understand it myself and it's the only way I know to describe it.
> 
> ...


Jesus doesn’t want you to waste your greatest gift. Your wife has already broken the vows by putting herself and cats and whatever before her husband. That was a long attempt to work away from dealing with the problem, very very similar to the guys staying “for the kids “.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> p
> 
> people say that all the time, and it’s foolish.
> 
> ...


After my first marriage ended I knew I wanted to get married again. I was only in my 40's and after 6 years I married age 50. 
This time I am in my mid 60's and I have no interest in having a third marriage. Nor dating again. 
Men seem to struggle more with being alone. I am not like that, and women generally can cope better on their own.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> TJW, if you can still have sex, and your wife loves you and you’re happy with her except for that, why not ask her if she’d mind if someone else met that need for you?


I doubt he would do that, he is a Christian and knows it's wrong.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> After my first marriage ended I knew I wanted to get married again. I was only in my 40's and after 6 years I married age 50.
> This time I am in my mid 60's and I have no interest in having a third marriage. Nor dating again.
> Men seem to struggle more with being alone. I am not like that, and women generally can cope better on their own.


You bring up a good point about men vs women being alone. And I think it relates to sex. Women seem to be able to go a longer time without than men. I have known several single women in my wife who were single for years and shared with me they hadn't had sex in years. Yet I know few single men who would go without.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TJW said:


> That's exactly right. My current W is the best one of the 3. At least she keeps a clean home and she is helpful to me with my illnesses. The other two had a world which was cylindrical and centered upon them, what they wanted, how they wanted it, and they didn't give a damn what it cost someone else.


Good excuse for you to stay and take it. Right?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TJW, I'm glad you have faith. You know change is usually good. And certainly after living in limbo for so long it will be freeing once you adjust. You seem like a man on a quest and I think you will find your new path. Just let it go as soon as you're able.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TJW said:


> This is it. I have come to this "place" so many times, it is a crossroad which is difficult. I sacrificed like crazy to keep my promise in the first two instances. I couldn't imagine, that I could be happy if I broke it. I knew I would loathe and despise the man in the mirror.
> 
> Some of you are going to understand, and some of you are not. But I'm going to make it in this way, because I do not completely understand it myself and it's the only way I know to describe it.
> 
> ...


So you’ve talked yourself into staying? Being a martyr is thankless work and nobody cares.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I doubt he would do that, he is a Christian and knows it's wrong.


Without saying anything about God or Jesus or the Bible, how would it be wrong if she has honestly informed him she does not want a sex life with him and he is candid in informing her of his intentions to take burden off of her and seek it elsewhere? 

If they are each informed of the other’s position and intent, then Other than an abstract theological concept, where is the “wrong”?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Without saying anything about God or Jesus or the Bible, how would it be wrong if she has honestly informed him she does not want a sex life with him and he is candid in informing her of his intentions to take burden off of her and seek it elsewhere?
> 
> If they are each informed of the other’s position and intent, then Other than an abstract theological concept, where is the “wrong”?


To many adultery is wrong and not something they would do. When we marry we make promises and vows to be faithful.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> You bring up a good point about men vs women being alone. And I think it relates to sex. Women seem to be able to go a longer time without than men. I have known several single women in my wife who were single for years and shared with me they hadn't had sex in years. Yet I know few single men who would go without.


Yes that is part of it I am sure.
I think it's also that men often cope badly with general day to day living and coping. They hate being alone and often struggle with the practical things their wives used to do. I am sure we all know men whose wives either died or they divorced who jumped very soon into another relationship or marriage. I know at least 3 I can think of who were with new women within just a few months of their wife's death and married the following year. I find that quite bizarre.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I know at least 3 I can think of who were with new women within just a few months of their wife's death and married the following year. I find that quite bizarre.


You can now make that 4. Twice. Actually 3 times, if you count the first GF who wasn't my wife. Within a year every time.



Marc878 said:


> Being a martyr is thankless work and nobody cares.


I believe Somebody cares. The Supreme Somebody. He says in His word that He does.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

@TJW, how serious are your health problems. Do you have a prognosis?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TJW said:


> You can now make that 4. Twice. Actually 3 times, if you count the first GF who wasn't my wife. Within a year every time.
> 
> 
> 
> I believe Somebody cares. The Supreme Somebody. He says in His word that He does.


Are you using this as an excuse to not make a decision? Sorry man but if you stay you’ll just get more of what you’ve gotten. If you’re ok with that it is your life to do with it as you please.
I would suggest at least getting separate accounts and let her figure out how to pay her bills.
Let her take care of the cats or take them to a No kill shelter.
What you are and have been doing isn’t working.
Laying in the victim chair gets you what?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> Are you using this as an excuse to not make a decision? Sorry man but if you stay you’ll just get more of what you’ve gotten. If you’re ok with that it is your life to do with it as you please.
> I would suggest at least getting separate accounts and let her figure out how to pay her bills.
> Let her take care of the cats or take them to a No kill shelter.
> What you are and have been doing isn’t working.
> Laying in the victim chair gets you what?


Must admit that if you have a Christian faith you look at things differently. Mr D was never really happy in his first marriage of 23 years, especially as time went on. As he said though, he had made promises and vows and had responsibilities as a husband and father of two boys. He would never have left her or divorced her had she not met another guy and ended the marriage herself. 
Plus we know that this life isn't all there is. Many here think this next few years is his only chance of happiness so he should leave. For us we believe that we should live the life our faith leads us to, and we know that there is far better ahead so our life now isn't the be all and end all.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Sfort said:


> @TJW, how serious are your health problems. Do you have a prognosis?


According to an internet CHF calculator:
1 year survival probability 65.8%

3-years survival probability 34.2%

My own estimation says that one year of work is all I will be able to do. Without productive work, I might as well be dead.



Diana7 said:


> we know that there is far better ahead so our life now isn't the be all and end all.


And Jesus taught there is no marriage in heaven. That alone is going to be a major factor in my happiness.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Best of luck to you. Enjoy the life you have left. Now I need to take my own advice.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TJW said:


> According to an internet CHF calculator:
> 1 year survival probability 65.8%
> 
> 3-years survival probability 34.2%
> ...


The last thing you want to doing at this stage is going through a divorce I am sure.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Must admit that if you have a Christian faith you look at things differently. Mr D was never really happy in his first marriage of 23 years, especially as time went on. As he said though, he had made promises and vows and had responsibilities as a husband and father of two boys. He would never have left her or divorced her had she not met another guy and ended the marriage herself.
> Plus we know that this life isn't all there is. Many here think this next few years is his only chance of happiness so he should leave. For us we believe that we should live the life our faith leads us to, and we know that there is far better ahead so our life now isn't the be all and end all.


Then why complain? Just take it.
Take care of her 9 cats and let her spend as much as she wants. A great way to live life.
I think I’d rather live alone.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> I think I’d rather live alone.


And, that is where I get from time to time. Especially when come her revelations of not really caring about me or my needs. Everything is about the kids and grandkids. She cares for my health, but I think that is only a self-serving effort to try to keep my support as long as possible. I am going to become a complete albatross for her in a year.



Diana7 said:


> The last thing you want to doing at this stage is going through a divorce I am sure.


That is exactly true. I cannot move, physically speaking. I can do physical work 10 minutes at a time, if spaced by half-hour rest periods. I get very short of breath very quickly. It's a good thing my job is sedentary. I wouldn't be able to do it now if it weren't.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TJW said:


> And, that is where I get from time to time. Especially when her revelations of not really caring about me or my needs. Everything is about the kids and grandkids. She cares for my health, but I think that is only a self-serving effort to try to keep my support as long as possible. I am going to become a complete albatross for her in a year.


If you’re going to stay I guess you’ll just have to accept it.
Why take care of her 9 cats? Why not get separate accounts and let her be responsible for her own finances?
Does being a Christian require you to be her doormat? I’m a Christian and was a church treasurer at one time. I’ve never heard of those requirements.
I will say the word Christian is a loosely used word.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Perhaps start giving the cats new homes?

Food and litter and the vet for 9 animals has to be a lot.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

So does God say to clean up all that cat ****, let your wife spend all the money she wants and let her walk all over you? 
I must have missed that part.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Must admit that if you have a Christian faith you look at things differently. Mr D was never really happy in his first marriage of 23 years, especially as time went on. As he said though, he had made promises and vows and had responsibilities as a husband and father of two boys. He would never have left her or divorced her had she not met another guy and ended the marriage herself.
> Plus we know that this life isn't all there is. Many here think this next few years is his only chance of happiness so he should leave. For us we believe that we should live the life our faith leads us to, and we know that there is far better ahead so our life now isn't the be all and end all.


I’ve read my bible from front to back more than once and never saw where a Christian is supposed to accept being mistreated or abused. I guess I must have missed that part? 
Now I have heard about cults where that’s the norm but it’s more of a man made doctrine rather than scripture from God.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> Then why complain? Just take it.
> Take care of her 9 cats and let her spend as much as she wants. A great way to live life.
> I think I’d rather live alone.


Sometimes people just need to vent.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Sometimes people just need to vent.


Life is a choice. Venting gets you what?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> Life is a choice. Venting gets you what?


Loads of people come here to vent. Thats why most people go to therapist so they can talk about their problems and let them out.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> To many adultery is wrong and not something they would do. When we marry we make promises and vows to be faithful.


I would argue that she has already broken those vows, because she has been faithful not to her husband or even God’s desire for us, but to herself. That does not allow @TJW to cheat, but it certainly provides grounds for leaving the marriage (divorce).

Divorce may seem too much trouble for what he perceives as a very limited time left due to health issues. But you just have to wonder how his health issues are affected by his “marriage.” Nor do I believe Jesus calls us to be a martyr.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Casual Observer said:


> Nor do I believe Jesus calls us to be a martyr.


The question is not one of martyrdom, but rather of "what would Jesus do?" We are called to become like Him. I believe His promise to "never leave us, nor forsake us". This is a direct indication of His character attributes which we must take upon ourselves if we are to have hope of salvation and of the eternal life He is going to give us.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Casual Observer said:


> I would argue that she has already broken those vows, because she has been faithful not to her husband or even God’s desire for us, but to herself. That does not allow @TJW to cheat, but it certainly provides grounds for leaving the marriage (divorce).
> 
> Divorce may seem too much trouble for what he perceives as a very limited time left due to health issues. But you just have to wonder how his health issues are affected by his “marriage.” Nor do I believe Jesus calls us to be a martyr.


Jesus sometimes wants us to do things that aren't easy.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

From what I’ve seen a lot use religion as justification to suit their situation.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Must admit that if you have a Christian faith you look at things differently. Mr D was never really happy in his first marriage of 23 years, especially as time went on. As he said though, he had made promises and vows and had responsibilities as a husband and father of two boys. He would never have left her or divorced her had she not met another guy and ended the marriage herself.
> Plus we know that this life isn't all there is. Many here think this next few years is his only chance of happiness so he should leave. For us we believe that we should live the life our faith leads us to, and we know that there is far better ahead so our life now isn't the be all and end all.


Very true. My thought has always been though that if God is the creator, he gave us brains so that we could make decisions for ourselves in order to live the best life possible.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

As a fellow firm, Bible-believing Christian, after studying & teaching scripture for more than 25 years, I now believe (and counsel) that sexual abandonment is in fact a Biblical cause for divorce. Abandonment is expressly mentioned as grounds, and continuous sexual denial of one spouse to another is expressly described as sin. Willful sexual abandonment expressly breaks the “one flesh” union by definition. In my humble opinion, your wife has already broken the covenant. Only the legal part remains. You are free to divorce, at least from this armchair theologian’s perspective.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> From what I’ve seen a lot use religion as justification to suit their situation.


A lot try and live the right way due to their faith. Its not always the easier choice either.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

gr8ful1 said:


> As a fellow firm, Bible-believing Christian, after studying & teaching scripture for more than 25 years, I now believe (and counsel) that sexual abandonment is in fact a Biblical cause for divorce. Abandonment is expressly mentioned as grounds, and continuous sexual denial of one spouse to another is expressly described as sin. Willful sexual abandonment expressly breaks the “one flesh” union by definition. In my humble opinion, your wife has already broken the covenant. Only the legal part remains. You are free to divorce, at least from this armchair theologian’s perspective.


While I cant agree that is a reason to divorce Biblically, I do agree that its wrong. However for a guy who has maybe a year or 2 to live, it would be horrible to spend half of that going through a stressful situation like a divorce.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> A lot try and live the right way due to their faith. Its not always the easier choice either.


The OP doesn’t have to take care of 9 cats, let his wife have total access to his finances to spend as she pleases. 
*It’s a choice.* Doesn’t have a thing to do with biblical divorce or being a Christian, etc.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> The OP doesn’t have to take care of 9 cats, let his wife have total access to his finances to spend as she pleases.
> *It’s a choice.* Doesn’t have a thing to do with biblical divorce or being a Christian, etc.


Christians aren't supposed to just think of what they want though, that's the difference. 
Plus where will he go? It's his home and he has a serious health condition which his wife is supportive about.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Christians aren't supposed to just think of what they want though, that's the difference.
> Plus where will he go? It's his home and he has a serious health condition which his wife is supportive about.


So God says clean up after 9 cats, give up control of your finances, etc?
Is that what God says? Gods says be a victim?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

My God tells me I am responsible for my family and household and I will be held accountable for my actions.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> So God says clean up after 9 cats, give up control of your finances, etc?
> Is that what God says? Gods says be a victim?


When we marry we make vows and promises that aren't to to be taken lightly. 
The man is very ill and may only have a year or two left. His wife is supportive of him in his illness.What do you think he should do? Go and live in a cheap bedsit and struggle with his condition alone?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I disagree with his decision he’s made for years…. TJW is a smart guy and I suspect he wishes he had left her years ago . 
I doubt his wife lifts a finger to help him. Hoping I’m wrong. I personally think he has gone years justifying doing nothing because that is less painful during the short term. 
There’s no way he should have let her squander his money.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Christians aren't supposed to just think of what they want though, that's the difference.
> Plus where will he go? It's his home and he has a serious health condition which his wife is supportive about.


Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you. Matthew 7:6


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

TJW said:


> The question is not one of martyrdom, but rather of "what would Jesus do?" We are called to become like Him. I believe His promise to "never leave us, nor forsake us". This is a direct indication of His character attributes which we must take upon ourselves if we are to have hope of salvation and of the eternal life He is going to give us.


I'm not sure what the purpose of your opening post was then, declaring that you had seen a lawyer so you could go live somewhere alone in peace and try to find a woman who wants to have sex with you. 
Now you have done a complete 180, which is confusing...so you've changed your mind and are using Christianity to justify your inaction and decision to live with it? 

It is your choice, of course, but I think if you were on the path God (and Jesus) wanted you on, you would have much more peace and contentment with it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> When we marry we make vows and promises that aren't to to be taken lightly.
> The man is very ill and may only have a year or two left. His wife is supportive of him in his illness.What do you think he should do? Go and live in a cheap bedsit and struggle with his condition alone?


Control his life and family. This isn’t about divorce. Also this didn’t happen overnight or recently.
If he so ill why be responsible for 9 cats or have to worry about finances?
You use religious as a crutch and excuse.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You were unhappy in the moment that she finally told you the truth but leaving her was never likely. Your pattern has been to stay until the end and that will presumably continue with this marriage as well. Sex with advanced CHF can often be problematic even with a willing partner. Restarting things after eight years didn’t have much of a chance of ever being successful with her.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

First let me say sorry to hear about your health issues.

So you've made your mind up that you're not going to leave. Great.

The question I would ask you is why you're allowing your wife to spend money like it's growing on trees? Also all the other stuff that you're putting up with? The cats, her leaving and expecting you to take care of them, etc etc.

Your mind is made up and you're obviously not going to change. So the question is why let your wife walk all over you? Put your foot down for crying out loud.

What's she going to do....get mad and stop having sex with you?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I disagree with his decision he’s made for years…. TJW is a smart guy and I suspect he wishes he had left her years ago .
> I doubt his wife lifts a finger to help him. Hoping I’m wrong. I personally think he has gone years justifying doing nothing because that is less painful during the short term.
> There’s no way he should have let her squander his money.


He said in one of
his posts that she was supportive about his health issues.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> Control his life and family. This isn’t about divorce. Also this didn’t happen overnight or recently.
> If he so ill why be responsible for 9 cats or have to worry about finances?
> You use religious as a crutch and excuse.


No I don't use religion as a crutch or excuse. Never have 
and never will.I get where he is coming from though because we are following the same path.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> No I don't use religion as a crutch or excuse. Never have
> and never will.I get where he is coming from though because we are following the same path.


The Bible says the man is supposed to be the leader of his family. Not being led.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> The Bible says the man is supposed to be the leader of his family. Not being led.


This is true. It also says, in the same context, the head of the man is Christ. The man is to lead after the example and in the Personhood of Christ.



LisaDiane said:


> declaring that you had seen a lawyer


No, I said "I want to see an attorney", not that I had seen one. And, I have not changed my mind about seeing an attorney. I want to know where I will stand if I leave. I have been in the hospital since the day after her "revelation". 

Her words hurt. They hurt even more because they are an excuse. The REAL reason she doesn't want sex with me is because I am "plan B", I was chosen over her ex because he was a dope-smoking derelict who allowed her to support him. But, he was (is) the preferred companion.



LisaDiane said:


> so you've changed your mind and are using Christianity to justify your inaction and decision to live with it?


It's not a "justification". It is, to me, a source of strength. Many may think I'm weak because I need God in my life. However, I freely and with no reservation say that I do NEED Him. I have many reasons which could justify not leaving. I also have many reasons which could justify moving out and living my own life. When I look inside, I actually want to move out and live my own life. Being in this marriage is rewardless and has no real benefit.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It’s your life. No one has to live it but you.
Learn to love cats and a big spending wife.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

gr8ful1 said:


> sexual abandonment is in fact a Biblical cause for divorce. Abandonment is expressly mentioned as grounds, and continuous sexual denial of one spouse to another is expressly described as sin.


I agree ....... it is a sin, and it is a biblical ground for divorce .
I think the "roots of my raisin' run deep". I see divorce as in God's permissive will, but keeping one's promise, even though a partner has broken his/hers..... forgiving "70 times 7"...... is His perfect will.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

sideways said:


> First let me say sorry to hear about your health issues.
> 
> So you've made your mind up that you're not going to leave. Great.
> 
> ...


Bumping this.

TJW please answer these questions. 

I get forgiveness and leaning on the Lord. I too NEED him. 

That said please answer the questions above.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I'm not sure the spending is excessive in her perspective. It is excessive in my view because I am old, sick, and cannot earn money like I once did. Employers want to pay people on Social Security as if the Social insurance were actually a part of their salary. They take advantage of Medicare availability to have employees they don't have to provide insurance for.

When I view this sometimes, it is almost like she spends her own money, she spends what she will soon inherit as I pass on to the next world. I would like to make sure she has an easy time to live when I'm gone. I regard it as my job.

As to the cats, I think 9 cats is excessive in anybody's book. She acquired the cats as a substitute for our daughter, who passed away from cancer, and granddaughter, whose father needed help to continue to raise her with his wife gone, and moved her away from us and close to his FOO.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

TJW said:


> I'm not sure the spending is excessive in her perspective. It is excessive in my view because I am old, sick, and cannot earn money like I once did. Employers want to pay people on Social Security as if the Social insurance were actually a part of their salary. They take advantage of Medicare availability to have employees they don't have to provide insurance for.
> 
> When I view this sometimes, it is almost like she spends her own money, she spends what she will soon inherit as I pass on to the next world. I would like to make sure she has an easy time to live when I'm gone. I regard it as my job.
> 
> As to the cats, I think 9 cats is excessive in anybody's book. She acquired the cats as a substitute for our daughter, who passed away from cancer, and granddaughter, whose father needed help to continue to raise her with his wife gone, and moved her away from us and close to his FOO.


Well, I hope you will be happy with your choices, as it has always been evident from your posts that you were NOT happy with the choices that you continually make.

You have always had the exact life that YOU have picked for yourself. I truly wish you well in it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> The Bible says the man is supposed to be the leader of his family. Not being led.


I


TJW said:


> This is true. It also says, in the same context, the head of the man is Christ. The man is to lead after the example and in the Personhood of Christ.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Following God takes great strength not weakness.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TJW said:


> I agree ....... it is a sin, and it is a biblical ground for divorce .
> I think the "roots of my raisin' run deep". I see divorce as in God's permissive will, but keeping one's promise, even though a partner has broken his/hers..... forgiving "70 times 7"...... is His perfect will.


Your wife has committed the same sin against you more than 490 times, so you should consider yourself due some action.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

This got too religious for me. The reality is, God doesn’t solve a damn thing if you don’t help yourself. It just an excuse people use to keep them bound to their poor decisions. You may make someone’s God happy, but you’re miserable in your one and only life. What a shame and what a terrible waste of legacy.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RebuildingMe said:


> This got too religious for me. The reality is, God doesn’t solve a damn thing if you don’t help yourself. It just an excuse people use to keep them bound to their poor decisions. You may make someone’s God happy, but you’re miserable in your one and only life. What a shame and what a terrible waste of legacy.


That's the thing, it's far from being his one and only life.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> That's the thing, it's far from being his one and only life.


And what if it is? “YOLO” so make the most of it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RebuildingMe said:


> And what if it is? “YOLO” so make the most of it.


We believe there is something far superior ahead.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> I
> 
> Following God takes great strength not weakness.


IMO it’s an excuse to do nothing.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TJW said:


> I'm not sure the spending is excessive in her perspective. It is excessive in my view because I am old, sick, and cannot earn money like I once did. Employers want to pay people on Social Security as if the Social insurance were actually a part of their salary. They take advantage of Medicare availability to have employees they don't have to provide insurance for.
> 
> When I view this sometimes, it is almost like she spends her own money, she spends what she will soon inherit as I pass on to the next world. I would like to make sure she has an easy time to live when I'm gone. I regard it as my job.
> 
> As to the cats, I think 9 cats is excessive in anybody's book. She acquired the cats as a substitute for our daughter, who passed away from cancer, and granddaughter, whose father needed help to continue to raise her with his wife gone, and moved her away from us and close to his FOO.


Enjoy your martyrdom. No one cares. I don’t see you getting any medals or rewards for it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> IMO it’s an excuse to do nothing.


Can't agree.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

TJW said:


> I agree ....... it is a sin, and it is a biblical ground for divorce .
> I think the "roots of my raisin' run deep". I see divorce as in God's permissive will, but keeping one's promise, even though a partner has broken his/hers..... forgiving "70 times 7"...... is His perfect will.


I hear you, and respect your position. If you will stay for the glory of Christ, then I would advise you to do so without grumbling - we know God‘s not a fan of that. I’m guilty of that myself so many times, but God is fully sovereign over our circumstances. He set things up exactly this way, for a purpose. A good purpose. Our call is to lean on Him hard, pray like crazy for grace to not just endure, but to be content in our hard circumstances, like Paul. When we do that, we greatly glorify God, showing the world that Christ is BETTER than a mind-blowing sexual marriage.

I just prayed that you and I both can do that well & faithfully.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

This is so crazy. God does not want people to live in misery. He gave them a brain and expects them to use it. The only misery he wants us to endure is the misery we create ourselves from all of our greed, lust, jealousy, etc, and not act on those desires so we can be happy.
Being a miserable wretch in a marriage to an unloving, cold, miserable spouse is no example for other people to want to be Christians.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> This is so crazy. God does not want people to live in misery. He gave them a brain and expects them to use it. The only misery he wants us to endure is the misery we create ourselves from all of our greed, lust, jealousy, etc, and not act on those desires so we can be happy.
> Being a miserable wretch in a marriage to an unloving, cold, miserable spouse is no example for other people to want to be Christians.


That's for others to decide. 
Sometimes we choose a hard path knowing that the future is so much better. I can totally understand him not wanting to leave when he has such a short time in his life ahead and with his severe medical issues for which she supports him. Plus where would he live? In some little cheap apartment? Can he even afford that?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

gr8ful1 said:


> I hear you, and respect your position. If you will stay for the glory of Christ, then I would advise you to do so without grumbling - we know God‘s not a fan of that. I’m guilty of that myself so many times, but God is fully sovereign over our circumstances. He set things up exactly this way, for a purpose. A good purpose. Our call is to lean on Him hard, pray like crazy for grace to not just endure, but to be content in our hard circumstances, like Paul. When we do that, we greatly glorify God, showing the world that Christ is BETTER than a mind-blowing sexual marriage.
> 
> I just prayed that you and I both can do that well & faithfully.


Staying due religious beliefs doesn't mean you have to give her unfettered acces to $$$$$


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TJW said:


> I'm not sure the spending is excessive in her perspective. It is excessive in my view because I am old, sick, and cannot earn money like I once did. Employers want to pay people on Social Security as if the Social insurance were actually a part of their salary. They take advantage of Medicare availability to have employees they don't have to provide insurance for.
> 
> When I view this sometimes, it is almost like she spends her own money, she spends what she will soon inherit as I pass on to the next world. I would like to make sure she has an easy time to live when I'm gone. I regard it as my job.
> 
> As to the cats, I think 9 cats is excessive in anybody's book. She acquired the cats as a substitute for our daughter, who passed away from cancer, and granddaughter, whose father needed help to continue to raise her with his wife gone, and moved her away from us and close to his FOO.


How are you doing?


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