# Wife issues



## Baileymun (Sep 7, 2021)

Hello all. First time posting on here. Wanted to put my situation out there to see where I stand in my marriage.

Ok, first off, I am 42 and she is 37. We have been together for nearly 8 years. We have a 6 year old son together. Our relationship has most definitely had our up’s and downs.
I guess I will give you all a glimps into our world. Around 4 years ago she had an EA. It caused us to be on thin ice with each other for years. I decided that I needed counseling (she didn’t want to go). That was around 2 years ago. Over the past year, things have gotten much better between us. We started communicating more efficiently. Eventually we decided to not separate and instead, work on our marriage. Things were getting better. Far better than they were in the past. We started to create a frictionless household. We were all fairly happy.

Around two weeks ago is when she became…distant and withdrawn, and no more intimacy. She was moody and worked all the time. She does work ALL the time too. There has not been one free day where she can spend time with our son and I, as she has some project or another to complete. Every weekend she is glued to her desktop, often times for 8-12 hours Saturday and Sunday. It was her choice, however, to take on extra activities and programs at her work, which then eats up her free time.
Lately things have gradually gone downhill. She no longer returns texts, or leave notes like she used to. The notes she would leave would be taped on my lunch container inside my bag, or she would tape it to a protein bar or hide it in a location where I was sure to find it that day. Before you ask, yes, I reciprocated on ALL these things. I did, and still do, pack her a lunch, leave notes in spots she will eventually find and will buy flowers for her once or twice a month. I have asked her why she no longer does these things and she say’s she is just too busy she doesn’t have the time to remember to do these things anymore.

What has really bothered me though, is that she refuses to take a day off from work, so that her and I can spend together while our son is in school. She makes every excuse under the sun as to why she cannot take the time off. About a year ago we agreed we would take off a random day, here and there, just to go see a movie without needing to make babysitting arrangements, have a nice lunch or just hang around the house doing absolutely nothing. It was nice playing hooky from work, just to spend the day with my wife. We both have plenty of time to take when needed. Lately though, she seems to find every excuse to not be able to take a day off. She will however, take a day off here and there for her friends birthday, or the day after a concert she goes to with said friends.

Last night I found out she blocked me on Facebook. I have not asked her about this. I am not even sure I should bring it up to her. What accomplishment would that bring?
One other thing I should mention too. She no longer puts effort into date nights. I will always make plans to find a sitter and even line something up like bowling or dinner at a nice restaurant, only for her to cancel due to off hours work needs.
So anyway’s, that is my situation. I am not sure how to proceed here. I know I am leaving things out. I can’t possibly include everything in here. If you have a question hat I can answer that would give better insight into my situation, please do not hesitate to ask.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Blocked you on Facebook and she's previously had an EA. Might behoove you to do some digging as more than likely she's involved with another man. Don't confront her until you've got some proof.


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## Baileymun (Sep 7, 2021)

sideways said:


> Blocked you on Facebook and she's previously had an EA. Might behoove you to do some digging as more than likely she's involved with another man. Don't confront her until you've got some proof.


Yep. I don't plan on confronting her until I dig.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I think you know what’s going on here. Not your first rodeo with her. You know the drill. I hope you don’t find what we think you are going to find. Good luck OP.


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## Baileymun (Sep 7, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> I think you know what’s going on here. Not your first rodeo with her. You know the drill. I hope you don’t find what we think you are going to find. Good luck OP.


Yeah. I'm fairly sure I know, and am right about.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sorry, but she is having another affair as you know.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Get out the Voice Activated Recorders and place them in her car or areas where she might talk on the phone.
Look at her phone and/or her phone records.
There is NO reason why she should block you on FB that makes any sense other than an affair -- maybe pics of her time with the "girls" that shows the OM?
Sorry you are going through this again, but you KNOW what to do this time. She isn't putting in the work, then out she goes.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Hardcore detective mode, now. You need to do some serious and thorough investigating immediately.
Blocking you on Facebook is an outright slap in the face. Clearly there’s something she doesn’t want you to see, or you disgust her so much that she is actively separating her life from yours and this is just one more step. Or both.

That said, even if you don’t find any evidence of serious betrayal, it’s only a matter of time and your marriage is still disintegrating.

Your wife is showing you very clearly with her attitude and actions that she doesn’t want you, doesn’t want to spend time with you, doesn’t respect or desire you.

You are clearly not in control of this marriage, your wife is. And as a result, bad things have happened, are happening and will continue to get worse.
Women respect strength and leadership and despise weak, passive, supplicating men.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

She's in an affair. If you have the funds, I would recommend a P.I. Play clueless while you gather evidence. Do not confront until you have irrefutable proof.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

I'm sorry man. Most people got 4 sentences in and could have finished the story for you. Get your P.I. if you want but you already know.


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## Baileymun (Sep 7, 2021)

Yep. 


jlg07 said:


> Get out the Voice Activated Recorders and place them in her car or areas where she might talk on the phone.
> Look at her phone and/or her phone records.
> There is NO reason why she should block you on FB that makes any sense other than an affair -- maybe pics of her time with the "girls" that shows the OM?
> Sorry you are going through this again, but you KNOW what to do this time. She isn't putting in the work, then out she goes.


Yep. I definitely do know what to do. At least this time round, I am mentally prepared.


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## Baileymun (Sep 7, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Hardcore detective mode, now. You need to do some serious and thorough investigating immediately.
> Blocking you on Facebook is an outright slap in the face. Clearly there’s something she doesn’t want you to see, or you disgust her so much that she is actively separating her life from yours and this is just one more step. Or both.
> 
> That said, even if you don’t find any evidence of serious betrayal, it’s only a matter of time and your marriage is still disintegrating.
> ...


True. I think I'm just going to mentally prepare myself for what is to come. I've no energy left to play detective. Instead, I will continue monitoring things and in the mean time, develop an exit strategy.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Check your bank accounts right now. She could be on her exit affair which is why the sudden block on FB. I'm probably wrong but it doesn't hurt to check.


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## Baileymun (Sep 7, 2021)

uphillbattle said:


> I'm sorry man. Most people got 4 sentences in and could have finished the story for you. Get your P.I. if you want but you already know.


Yep. I already know.


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## Baileymun (Sep 7, 2021)

uphillbattle said:


> Check your bank accounts right now. She could be on her exit affair which is why the sudden block on FB. I'm probably wrong but it doesn't hurt to check.


Thankfully we have separate accounts and I set up alerts to any type of withdrawal.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Baileymun said:


> Thankfully we have separate accounts and I set up alerts to any type of withdrawal.


Either way be ready for her to drop a bomb the next time you are alone. Do you have any friends that are FB friends with her?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Baileymun said:


> Hello all. First time posting on here. Wanted to put my situation out there to see where I stand in my marriage.
> 
> Ok, first off, I am 42 and she is 37. We have been together for nearly 8 years. We have a 6 year old son together. Our relationship has most definitely had our up’s and downs.
> I guess I will give you all a glimps into our world. Around 4 years ago she had an EA. It caused us to be on thin ice with each other for years. I decided that I needed counseling (she didn’t want to go).
> ...


It sounds like you are a doormat. Sorry man but doormats get walked on.
You can’t be this naive. You are probably conflict avoidant so you sit back and just take what she’s giving.

The problem is you’ve taught her she can treat you like crap. Which means you’ll get more.

Download and read ‘No More Mr Nice Guy’. By glover. It’s a fee pdf and short.

If I were you I’d get a PI on this and find out who she’s having an affair with and file for divorce. Most like you won’t believe it without evidence. She’s Cheated once already so this is the second time. Serial Cheaters never stop.

You can only be a chump if you allow it. Wake up. You need too.

Talk will get you nothing. All cheaters lie a lot. Actions are all that count.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Why are some of you calling OP weak and a doormat already?  He seems self-aware and proactive so far to me. Maybe just looking for confirmation that he isn't crazy, some sleuthing tips, etc. Take it easy with the libel at this point. These kind of attacks, especially on the first page of replies, are what run a lot of people off from TAM who are really in need of help.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

She’s definitely in an affair. It is most likely a coworker. When a wife pulls away even from her kid, she’s in deep with another man. You need to go into detective mode. If you have the funds, hire a PI. You better start getting yourself emotionally ready for the confrontation. She is most likely going to be an icy beotch.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You would be wise to get into a 180 now. Here’s the link.








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I wouldn’t waste time on a confrontation. Hell man, she knows she cheating. You already wasted enough time on this.

A lot seem to think if they can catch them with proof they’ll change. Faulty thinking. She cheats because she wants too. You can’t fix that. Living on hopium for week, months, some even years is a waste of time and life that you can’t get back.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

There really is something about the 6-8 year mark with marriages, especially with little kids involved. So sad to see it happen over and over.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OnTheRocks said:


> Why are some of you calling OP weak and a doormat already?  He seems self-aware and proactive so far to me. Maybe just looking for confirmation that he isn't crazy, some sleuthing tips, etc. Take it easy with the libel at this point. These kind of attacks, especially on the first page of replies, are what run a lot of people off from TAM who are really in need of help.


His actions or lack of dictate what’s been going on. In order for the OP to get through this he needs to get strong quick and stay there. It’s not an attack but a direction of where he’s been and actions to get out of this for his own sake.

Trying to patronize anyone in these situations doesn’t work well. Op needs to wake up quickly.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

When your own wife blocks you, time to see an attorney. That exit strategy should be seeing one tomorrow. Who cares if she’s cheating (she is), fact is she clearly doesn’t love you, and also doesn’t want you to see that she changed her relationship status on fb so she can play single lady.

You’d do well to just ask for her phone, and hand her the papers when she says no. That’s seriously how you should handle this at this point. Nothing but strength and resolution for dissolution.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

On the bright side, all her overtime and extra effort at work will help you in the the divorce 😁.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

uphillbattle said:


> On the bright side, all her overtime and extra effort at work will help you in the the divorce 😁.


If she was getting paid for it and not on her back with her boyfriend. I’d check to see if she’s getting overtime. A good bet she’s not.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Marc878 said:


> If she was getting paid for it and not on her back with her boyfriend. I’d check to see if she’s getting overtime. A good bet she’s not.


Mostly here her time away from the child will be good for him.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

uphillbattle said:


> Mostly here her time away from the child will be good for him.


Now that is a help. Document, document, document!!!!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Baileymun said:


> Hello all. First time posting on here. Wanted to put my situation out there to see where I stand in my marriage.
> 
> Ok, first off, I am 42 and she is 37. We have been together for nearly 8 years. We have a 6 year old son together. Our relationship has most definitely had our up’s and downs.
> I guess I will give you all a glimps into our world. Around 4 years ago she had an EA. It caused us to be on thin ice with each other for years. I decided that I needed counseling (she didn’t want to go). That was around 2 years ago. Over the past year, things have gotten much better between us. We started communicating more efficiently. Eventually we decided to not separate and instead, work on our marriage. Things were getting better. Far better than they were in the past. We started to create a frictionless household. We were all fairly happy.
> ...


When you say she’s “glued to her desktop”, what do you mean?

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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

In these situations you only need proof enough for yourself. Most no fault states adultery doesn’t matter anyway. So you could just see an attorney and file. Doesn’t sound like you could make that decision but it would be the quick way out. You don’t need to prove a damn thing.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> In these situations you only need proof enough for yourself. Most no fault states adultery doesn’t matter anyway. So you could just see an attorney and file. Doesn’t sound like you could make that decision but it would be the quick way out. You don’t need to prove a damn thing.


It’d be a lot faster to just type, “She’s cheating again. Don’t bother snooping, just divorce…”, and that’s what I’d prefer to type, but something like 90% of guys won’t listen. 🤷🏻‍♂️


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Marc878 said:


> His actions or lack of dictate what’s been going on. In order for the OP to get through this he needs to get strong quick and stay there. It’s not an attack but a direction of where he’s been and actions to get out of this for his own sake.
> 
> Trying to patronize anyone in these situations doesn’t work well. Op needs to wake up quickly.


I hear you, but not everyone can handle the kitchen sink on day 1. You are here to help people, right?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OnTheRocks said:


> I hear you, but not everyone can handle the kitchen sink on day 1. You are here to help people, right?


Compare my post to yours. I gave him a book to download, the 180 guide, etc.

You gave him what? Some pansy patronage that
Didn’t say squat. Just some meaningless word salad.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

OnTheRocks said:


> REDACTED


1. He didn’t call you a pansy, he said you were offering OP some pansy patronage that didn’t amount to anything tangibly useful to improve his situation.
2. You’re getting really emotionally reactive here. You might want to detach the emotions a bit and remember that everyone here are just strangers on the internet, trying to help folks with problems - often times with different perspectives than you on how to best do that.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Sorry @Baileymun for this once is bad enough. You have already received some good advice. One thing I would suggest in addition to a PI and VAR for her car is a GPS on the car as well. I suspect she may not be working all of this extra time and a PI or the GPS would show if her car leaves work. Best of luck!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

OnTheRocks said:


> There really is something about the 6-8 year mark with marriages, especially with little kids involved. So sad to see it happen over and over.


there was an old time movie called The Seven Year Itch. it was actually pretty truthful in its plot!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

HappilyMarried1 said:


> Sorry @Baileymun for this once is bad enough. You have already received some good advice. One thing I would suggest in addition to a PI and VAR for her car is a GPS on the car as well. I suspect she may not be working all of this extra time and a PI or the GPS would show if her car leaves work. Best of luck!


being so enthralled with her job does seem odd. maybe she IS taking days off, but just not telling you?

were there any knock down drag out fights that precipitated her rude behavior? Blocking her husband on face book is pretty significant...not sure how she explained that one!


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

I'm willing to bet her weekly pay doesn't align with the hours she claims to be putting in.


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## Baileymun (Sep 7, 2021)

uphillbattle said:


> Either way be ready for her to drop a bomb the next time you are alone. Do you have any friends that are FB friends with her?


Yes I do. At this point, I could care less on the marriage. I've gone through this awhile ago and I remember too clearly what it felt like. Thus time around it's actually much easier as I know what to expect.


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## Baileymun (Sep 7, 2021)

OnTheRocks said:


> Why are some of you calling OP weak and a doormat already?  He seems self-aware and proactive so far to me. Maybe just looking for confirmation that he isn't crazy, some sleuthing tips, etc. Take it easy with the libel at this point. These kind of attacks, especially on the first page of replies, are what run a lot of people off from TAM who are really in need of help.


That's exactly why I'm here. I thought I was looking for something that wasn't there. However, it's now glaringly obvious something is going on. I don't intend on being a doormat. But, I do also intend on making an exit strategy. There's no point in confronting her. When I leave it will be enough.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Baileymun said:


> Hello all. First time posting on here. Wanted to put my situation out there to see where I stand in my marriage.
> 
> Ok, first off, I am 42 and she is 37. We have been together for nearly 8 years. We have a 6 year old son together. Our relationship has most definitely had our up’s and downs.
> I guess I will give you all a glimps into our world. Around 4 years ago she had an EA. It caused us to be on thin ice with each other for years. I decided that I needed counseling (she didn’t want to go). That was around 2 years ago. Over the past year, things have gotten much better between us. We started communicating more efficiently. Eventually we decided to not separate and instead, work on our marriage. Things were getting better. Far better than they were in the past. We started to create a frictionless household. We were all fairly happy.
> ...


I don't know what you tell you. You are married. Either the marriage comes first or it doesn't. Work doesn't come first. You also don't have secrets from each other. Blocking you on Facebook? That is SECRETIVE!!!! THAT IS DISHONEST, SHADY BEHAVIOR. Obviously she doesn't want her husband to SEE what she is doing on Facebook, who is commenting on her pictures or vice versa. 

She had an affair on you. That was you chance to see she is a liar and a betrayer. You chose to stay with this person and TADA....more drama and shady behavior just a couple of years later. 

I don't know what to tell you dude. You chose to stay with a cheater. Chances are she'll cheat again, she still lies, you'll have stress and doubt and anxiety about her behaviors for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. 

If you are going to stay with her you have to have face to face, blunt, air out EVERYTHING conversation. Tell her that her working this much is 100% unacceptable. Her blocking you is OBVIOUS SIGNS OF ANOTHER AFFAIR. You aren't happy with the way things are in the marriage. Either she opens up the Facebook page right in front of you in that exact moment and lets you look and scroll and read every message and notification AND she immediately agrees to drop a day or two of work and scale back 10 or more hours per week for the sake of the marriage or you divorce her. 

You don't tell her that as an ultimatum. Wife you do this or I'll do that. You just tell her how you feel and tell her to open up the FB page for you to see since she is being secretive and shady and you tell her to cut back work immediately. She either agrees to do it and does (she doesn't get to let you on FB later....after she gets to cover her tracks......she literally has to do it right on the spot) or she does not. 
If she does not. She says no, my FB page is private and you don't get to see. I was a cheater but you now have to just blindly trust me.....and I will not scale back my job. You and the marriage just get the crappy leftovers. 

If she refuses. Just quietly go off and contact a lawyer and begin divorce proceedings. Also if you find proof of another affair (you were foolish to keep a cheater anyway) then once again quietly go off and begin divorce proceedings.


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## Baileymun (Sep 7, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> being so enthralled with her job does seem odd. maybe she IS taking days off, but just not telling you?
> 
> were there any knock down drag out fights that precipitated her rude behavior? Blocking her husband on face book is pretty significant...not sure how she explained that one!


No, no fights. She started getting distant about weeks ago. In fact, she could have blocked me awhile ago because I didn't think to check until the other day.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

do you have a friend who is NOT blocked on her FB?
they could act as a bird dog for you, reporting back any risque' behavior. with you blocked, her guard might be down and she will post things she shouldn't have.

BTW i am just like u. If my wife blocked me, i probably would need a year or two to figure that out! Come to think of it....i have not had any email alerts to her posting messages lately......


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## Baileymun (Sep 7, 2021)

hinterdir said:


> I don't know what you tell you. You are married. Either the marriage comes first or it doesn't. Work doesn't come first. You also don't have secrets from each other. Blocking you on Facebook? That is SECRETIVE!!!! THAT IS DISHONEST, SHADY BEHAVIOR. Obviously she doesn't want her husband to SEE what she is doing on Facebook, who is commenting on her pictures or vice versa.
> 
> She had an affair on you. That was you chance to see she is a liar and a betrayer. You chose to stay with this person and TADA....more drama and shady behavior just a couple of years later.
> 
> ...


Let me ask you a question. Do you have kids? I have a child with my wife. I was brought up to always make the beat attempt at reconciliation to give my son every opportunity to grow up in a household with two loving parents. It is why I decided to stay and give it a go. Not everyone can do things this way. Some people have no problem cutting and running. I do not want my son to grow up without both parents in the home, HOWEVER, I can now say I did all that I can do, and now it's time to move on. I'm not interested in marriage counseling or hiring a P.I. . I have no interest in putting a voice recorder in her car. I have no interest in snooping through her stuff either. 

My friends would always tell me "once a cheater always a cheater". They were right. I have it my all and now I'm making my exit strategy. It's that simple. I will not make any attempt to reconcile this time.


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## Baileymun (Sep 7, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> do you have a friend who is NOT blocked on her FB?
> they could act as a bird dog for you, reporting back any risque' behavior. with you blocked, her guard might be down and she will post things she shouldn't have.
> 
> BTW i am just like u. If my wife blocked me, i probably would need a year or two to figure that out! Come to think of it....i have not had any email alerts to her posting messages lately......


Naa. I'm done with it. I have decided to develop my exit strategy. Today, and probably this and next week will be devoted to seeking out a good divorce attorney and see where I stand. In the meantime, I've got work to do! Need to start house hunting for a place to move into.


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## Baileymun (Sep 7, 2021)

Tested_by_stress said:


> I'm willing to bet her weekly pay doesn't align with the hours she claims to be putting in.


You bet right. She holds normal hours, for the most part. It's on the weekends where she spends it working on her desktop and laptop. Doing those extra projects she doesnt get paid for.


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## Baileymun (Sep 7, 2021)

OnTheRocks said:


> There really is something about the 6-8 year mark with marriages, especially with little kids involved. So sad to see it happen over and over.


I see it happen all the time. It is sad. It is the way our society is now.


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## Baileymun (Sep 7, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> When you say she’s “glued to her desktop”, what do you mean?
> 
> If you mean what I think you mean…
> 
> ...


So the weekends usually go like this: She cracks out her laptop at around 8am. Goes back and forth between her laptop and desktop, making paper designs for her programs. The programs earn her hours, which is then computer on a yearly basis and she gets a bonus check for it. It's not much and honestly not worth the time sink.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Baileymun said:


> So the weekends usually go like this: She cracks out her laptop at around 8am. Goes back and forth between her laptop and desktop, making paper designs for her programs. The programs earn her hours, which is then computer on a yearly basis and she gets a bonus check for it. It's not much and honestly not worth the time sink.


congrats on making a decision.

but i need to point out, computer skills are HIGHLY marketable right now. without too much effort (assuming she is good) she could be making $80,000+ a year. Managers are making more like $140,000. Sounds like she is instead part timing it with some skinflint company. Why? 
She COULD be in some hot growing company (Nvidia, Amazon, MS cloud, etc) OR some hot new startup with stock options galore right now.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Baileymun said:


> You bet right. She holds normal hours, for the most part. It's on the weekends where she spends it working on her desktop and laptop. Doing those extra projects she doesnt get paid for.


Perhaps the weekend hours are making up for work that she’s not doing during the week...


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Baileymun said:


> Need to start house hunting for a place to move into.


You're putting the cart way before the horse.

Don't move out until the divorce is complete. A contested litigated divorce can take years.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Baileymun said:


> That's exactly why I'm here. I thought I was looking for something that wasn't there. However, it's now glaringly obvious something is going on. I don't intend on being a doormat. But, I do also intend on making an exit strategy. There's no point in confronting her. When I leave it will be enough.


Excellent choice. Why waste all that time and energy? She’s not worth it.


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## Bezuidenhout (Apr 5, 2017)

How do you know she never deactivate her FB account that's why you cannot find her?


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Baileymun said:


> Let me ask you a question. Do you have kids? I have a child with my wife. I was brought up to always make the beat attempt at reconciliation to give my son every opportunity to grow up in a household with two loving parents. It is why I decided to stay and give it a go. Not everyone can do things this way. Some people have no problem cutting and running. I do not want my son to grow up without both parents in the home, HOWEVER, I can now say I did all that I can do, and now it's time to move on. I'm not interested in marriage counseling or hiring a P.I. . I have no interest in putting a voice recorder in her car. I have no interest in snooping through her stuff either.
> 
> My friends would always tell me "once a cheater always a cheater". They were right. I have it my all and now I'm making my exit strategy. It's that simple. I will not make any attempt to reconcile this time.


I have 2 kids.

If my wife cheated....there isn't a chance in hell I would stay with her. I'd never want to even look at her again much less have her as a wife, to be intimate with her.

Kids really aren't part of the equation. We could have joint custody and they'd have to go back and forth for a few years. One is already 18 and in college and one is 10 so it would just be for a few years.
I would never stay with a cheater "for the kids". Cheating is a 100%, set in stone, deal breaker. Once cheating happens they'd, figuratively, be dead to me.

I don't believe it it ruining the kids lives. As a matter of fact I'd be 100% honest with them. Mom got with another man and betrayed me so the marriage is over....otherwise we'd still be living together as a family. I wouldn't hide it to where they'd have to guess why mommy and daddy aren't together. The same with family, friends, acquaintances. We got divorced because misses had an affair with another man. I'd even say his name (misses had an affair with John Doe) if they would know who it is.

Full disclosure. Full openness about it all. Divorce, split custody with the kids.

Infidelity is a different topic than all other marital issues. It is special and unique verses "just not getting along", "fighting about money", "grown apart" and all of the other issues marriages have. Even scripture which is against divorce has a clause for that. Jesus: " I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, EXCEPT FOR SEXUAL IMMORALITY, and marries another woman commits adultery.” .


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Sucks you're here but sounds like you know what to do. I'd suggest reading The Rational Male, books 1 and 2. Not a magic bullet, but might help you process what has happened over the years. The fact this is happening when she's 37 is not a coincidence, women often look at their late 30s as their "last chance" while they're still young.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Knowing what you need to do and actually doing it are two very different things.

From what I’ve seen being unable to make a decision will get you an extended stay in limbo.

Indecision is a cheaters best friend and your worst enemy.

You didn’t elaborate but most betrayed spouses want badly to believe it’s just an EA but if there’s physical contact it’s easily a physical affair. Denial is a very strong emotion to overcome.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> You would be wise to get into a 180 now. Here’s the link.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'd suggest not to do the 180 just yet. Please go ahead and gather evidence enough so that she can not deny what you have found. Then you can plan your next steps. While being on those steps, the 180 would work in your favor.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Good to see you have come to terms about what is going on. You gave it a shot, the problems was the fact that your STBXW did nothing to fix the previous cheating she did.

Get the best lawyer in your area. If you want, talk with the top five in your area.

Document the time that you have your child. Include the fact that your wife is choosing to not spend time with your son. Go for primary custody with her days being every other weekend. Start hear first then negotiate from there. Make sure you have in there that on her days and she needs a babysitter that you are first to be contacted to babysit.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Baileymun said:


> No, no fights. She started getting distant about weeks ago. In fact, she could have blocked me awhile ago because I didn't think to check until the other day.


She blocked you on FB, that's a stupide move, it's like she wants to get caught!
@Baileymun, honest question. Were you not aware that you married an idiot?


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Baileymun said:


> Naa. I'm done with it. I have decided to develop my exit strategy. Today, and probably this and next week will be devoted to seeking out a good divorce attorney and see where I stand. In the meantime, I've got work to do! Need to start house hunting for a place to move into.


Remember to not telegraph anything. You must do the best acting of your life. Then when the rubber duckies are all floating in alignment, nuke her world. Knock her back on her heels and keep her off balance.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

hinterdir said:


> I don't know what you tell you. You are married. *Either the marriage comes first or it doesn't. *Work doesn't come first. You also don't have secrets from each other. Blocking you on Facebook? That is SECRETIVE!!!! THAT IS DISHONEST, SHADY BEHAVIOR. Obviously she doesn't want her husband to SEE what she is doing on Facebook, who is commenting on her pictures or vice versa.


you imply that good marriages ALWAYS come first.
there are a ton of examples of marriages where something else comes first.
Many politicians put their political jobs first, and during campaigns or legislative sessions their spouses seldom even see them.
Many military members are out of country for most of the year.
Many corporate managers have to put the job first, and the spouse is there just to tag along and support their executive duties.

not sure your advice is true!


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> you imply that good marriages ALWAYS come first.
> there are a ton of examples of marriages where something else comes first.
> Many politicians put their political jobs first, and during campaigns or legislative sessions their spouses seldom even see them.
> Many military members are out of country for most of the year.
> ...


You counteracted the statement with a list of careers that have a higher than average likelihood of someone cheating.
I'm sure that the marriage coming first has a much higher chance of being a good marriage than the marriage that takes a back seat to someone's work.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

manwithnoname said:


> You counteracted the statement with a list of careers that have a higher than average likelihood of someone cheating.
> I'm sure that t_he marriage coming first has a much higher chance of being a good marriage _than the marriage that takes a back seat to someone's work.


Probably true. especially if you are married to a scummy politician!


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Talker67 said:


> you imply that good marriages ALWAYS come first.
> there are a ton of examples of marriages where something else comes first.
> Many politicians put their political jobs first, and during campaigns or legislative sessions their spouses seldom even see them.
> Many military members are out of country for most of the year.
> ...


None of those situations apply to him. 
His wife just started doing this....for no real reason. She is actually in the house with him too....but just ignoring him to take on more hours for no reason. 
So you are just moving the goal post and playing semantics. 
Your spouse has to be ok with that as well (per all of your examples) or else that they shouldn't even be together. Those careers involve being with a spouse willing to live that life. 

None of what you say has anything to do with the OP's situation. Red herrings and moving of the goal post just for the sake of being a contrarian.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Baileymun said:


> Yep. I don't plan on confronting her until I dig.


Can i ask a really dumb question?

Why dig?
All you'll find is misery.
She has a history of cheating.
She's acting in a way that's destructive to the marriage.

Remember, we allow people to treat us the way that they do.

Don't allow her to treat you like this.
I say don't waste time with detective work.
She already has a proven cheating track record.
Make her do all the work to bring back trust.
Go nuclear.
Get with a lawyer. 
Learn your rights.
Learn about divorce.
Get your financial ducks in a row.

Then tell her, you're acting shady.
You have a history of cheating.
Give examples as to what she's doing which looks like she is cheating. 
Remember, if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, there is an extremely high probability it's a duck.
Tell her that you have divorce papers ready to go unless she can prove that she's not cheating again.

Don't let anyone fool you into thinking that going nuclear will ruin the marriage.
She's already in that trajectory with her actions.
Why should you do all the work to see if she's cheating?
She's acting shady, make her do the work to prove that she (a known cheater) isn't cheating.


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