# I can't take it anymore!!!



## Paradise

Been divorced for two years and I've been single for almost 10 months. I'm officially ready to get back into the dating pool. Ladies, I need some advice and some encouragement! I'm just not the type of fella who is a smooth talker and can strike up random conversations with attractive females in public and I usually end up smiling like a dork and freezing up when opportunities arise. I admit, I fear rejection!!! Definitely a weakness I'm going to have to overcome. 

Did the online dating game for a while but the free sites don't really do it for me and the I'm not paying for Match or any of those other sites.  Did it once and it was ok. Actually had several dates but....Just do not want to spend the money right now. 

What works? What doesn't? I think too much so most of the time I miss my opportunities and I'm always afraid I'm going to sound like a creeper or something!!!! lol! 

Anyway, fire away!


----------



## angelpixie

Hmmm. This is all theoretical, of course, lol, but I would think that you should just talk to a woman you're interested in. If you're at some kind of activity, talk to her about that. It's a point of mutual interest or you both wouldn't be there, right? 

Just casual conversation anywhere. Eye contact. A smile. But nothing pick-up-line-ish, or smarmy. I'd really respond to just a normal-acting guy who was relaxed and confident (not obnoxious). 

Humor always works for me.


----------



## FormerSelf

Well, after my divorce is settled and I am ready to start looking (not for a LOOONGG time), I figure I would participate in a regular group activity/club/whatever where like-minded people of a large pool would be accessible. The fact that there already is a pre-defined activity and an expectation to establish friendships and camaraderie...that wouldserve to ease any awkwardness or clunkiness in getting to build rapport with a female I may be interested in. It sorta takes the pressure off of first time blind dating or awkward attempts to connect in inopportune areas. Just having fun and getting to know people...and staying loose to get to know some better than others. Just an idea.


----------



## EleGirl

Since you are not wild about the dating sites, I suggest you try just getting out and meeting people. Do things you enjoy. There will be single women out there doing the same things. Since you are meeting them while doing things that you enjoy there will be less presure to be a smooth talker.

Check out the site Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup See if you can find things on the site, for your area, that you enjoy doing.

It might also help you to read "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus". The book has a chapter the suttle clues that men and women give each other that way "I'm interested"


----------



## angelpixie

I would just add something to the idea of joining groups or doing activities. If you do them with the idea that you'll meet people for dating, you might be disappointed. Do the activities and join the groups only if they sound appealing on their own. It might take a while til you get your social footing again, and you set yourself up for disappointment if you go into them thinking it will be a source of friends and dates. It might, or it might just be something fun you like to do.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Off the top of my head:

running club
swimming club
coed softball
religious group
shooting lessons
golf lessons
book club
singles clubs
local historical tours
museum membership
volunteer for a charity
neighbors
co-workers
political club
environmental club
Habitat for Humanity
bicycle club
canoeing/kayaking club
camping

Activities like that of interest to you. Do them, as AngelPixie says, BECAUSE they're FUN! IF you meet someone because of that, it's a PLUS. Even something like an all-guys softball/baseball/bowling league is good because guys have sisters, or neighbors, or co-workers.

Go be a FUN, INTERESTING guy! Put the word out that you're LOOKING, but make sure people know your basic requirements (not a LAUNDRY LIST, but if you ONLY date within your race or your religion, then make sure that is known).

Anything you've been WANTING to do or LEARN ABOUT...now's the time!

Good luck and LET US KNOW HOW IT GOES!


----------



## jpr

I think just sort of having an attitude of openness without desperation is good. 

Just when you go somewhere, just talk to people--male and female, with the attitude of making connections and learning their stories.

Even if it is a cashier at WalMart--look them in the eye, chit-chat, and be open to making new connections. You never know, perhaps that elderly cashier at WalMart will know the perfect person to set you up with? 

If you are truly trying to "pick up" someone at a bar or something, then I think it is really good to just spark a conversation and REALLY look them in the eye while talking to them. ..ask lots of questions and seem interested in them. 

I am a pretty socially awkward person myself...but, I have been practicing looking people in the eye when I talk to them. It sounds so silly, but I never realized how little I actually looked people in the eye--like waiters and waitresses, etc. When ordering my food, I would just look down at my menu and order it. But, now, I try to look the waiter in the eye and smile. 

Being open to being part of the human condition is actually very fulfilling. 

Take some risks...and try not to take rejection personally. 

I really do think it is all about attitude.


----------



## Conrad

Paradise said:


> Been divorced for two years and I've been single for almost 10 months. I'm officially ready to get back into the dating pool. Ladies, I need some advice and some encouragement! I'm just not the type of fella who is a smooth talker and can strike up random conversations with attractive females in public and I usually end up smiling like a dork and freezing up when opportunities arise. I admit, I fear rejection!!! Definitely a weakness I'm going to have to overcome.
> 
> Did the online dating game for a while but the free sites don't really do it for me and the I'm not paying for Match or any of those other sites. Did it once and it was ok. Actually had several dates but....Just do not want to spend the money right now.
> 
> What works? What doesn't? I think too much so most of the time I miss my opportunities and I'm always afraid I'm going to sound like a creeper or something!!!! lol!
> 
> Anyway, fire away!


Follow this link.

The Layguide: How to Seduce Women More Beautiful Than You Ever Dreamed Possible No Matter What You Look Like or How Much You Make: Tony Clink: 9780806526027: Amazon.com: Books

It's about 150-200 pages and it's filled with really top-notch advice about being engaging and increasing your attractiveness to women.

I've read the entire thing and can honestly tell you I've never used it to "seduce" anyone - other than my wife.

Yet, men WANT to be intriguing, interesting, and attractive.

This book tells you how.


----------



## angelpixie

A lot depends on what you're looking for, too, Paradise.

If you're looking for a companion to do things with, or a possible LTR, then of course you'll act differently and go different places than if you just want a ONS. In that case there are plenty of women out there for whom you just have to demonstrate that you're breathing and have a penis, lol.


----------



## Paradise

angelpixie said:


> A lot depends on what you're looking for, too, Paradise.
> 
> If you're looking for a companion to do things with, or a possible LTR, then of course you'll act differently and go different place than if you just want a ONS. In that case there are plenty of women out there for whom you just have to demonstrate that you're breathing and have a penis, lol.


:rofl:

AP, that made me laugh! While it has been a long time for me, I am just not into the bar scene and ONS....Just isn't my character. Did that a few times back in college and almost immediately after divorce and it just wasn't fun for me. 

The answer to "what am I looking for" is that I don't even know. Sure, I have a few things that are deal breakers to me but I don't have any set agenda for dating. 

I do think I need to work on myself out in public a bit and just start talking to people without any intent and get more comfortable. I did withdraw into my own cocoon for a while to work on some inner demons and kind of neglected the social life. I have met some guys at my work that I enjoy being around and we go out a few times a month so I'm not a hermit. 

Meet-up groups are fine but someone posted this a few days ago about the times of the events that interest me fall on the times when I have my kiddo. I have her half the time so that is hard to schedule things. Oh well, I'm off of school in less than a week so I'll have more time to do things.


----------



## angelpixie

That may have been me. I've been able to go to precisely 2 Meetup events in the last year because of them falling when I have DS. 

But I also got really isolated socially when I was with Ex, so getting out there and doing fun things with same-sex friends will also help in the long run, too, I think. Going to a bar, dancing and doing karaoke (a first for me, lol) last weekend was a blast. It was a mixed group, wide age range, some people attached, some not, but all just having fun. Was a great time, and I didn't even know everyone when I went. I think those things are just as important.


----------



## Pbartender

Speaking as a guy who always been an introvert and more than a little shy and nerdy...



Paradise said:


> I'm just not the type of fella who is a smooth talker and can strike up random conversations with attractive females in public and I usually end up smiling like a dork and freezing up when opportunities arise. I admit, I fear rejection!!! Definitely a weakness I'm going to have to overcome.


_"Practice yourself, for heaven's sake, in little things; and thence proceed to greater."_ - Epictetus.

Practice, practice, practice. Just go out, and talk to women. Chillax. Any women. Chillax. All women. Chillax. Do it without any intentions about getting her to like you, or hitting on her, or any of that jazz. Chillax. Just converse with them, and pay attention to them. Chillax.

Eliminate the desire to gain a specific result, and you eliminate the fear of failing to attain that result.

Start there. Once you get good and comfortable at that, you'll find the rest comes naturally on it's own... You'll suddenly find you already have women who are interested in you not because you are a smooth talker, but because you are who you are.

Trust me on this one.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Good advice, Pbartender, and I like your new avatar, too!


.


----------



## Paradise

PB, this is for certain true. 

It all was a mix for me. When married I failed to cultivate the friendships that I once had and they went away. Seems like I was working or at the whim of the ex as she already had things planned. When that ended I changed jobs and moved to a different town and had to start over. Starting over in life in your mid 30's knowing no one is a very tough thing to do. Especially since I most likely was not the most approachable and friendly person on the face of the planet after my divorce. I was frustrated and withdrew into my shell. Really, I had never been like this before. I've been broken up with in the past. Never bothered me. But this time was different for some reason and when I really think about it I don't even like my ex. The kid thing played a huge role in that I think. 

I'm going to put aside thoughts of "dating" and work on the next thing.....Being a social and friendly person. Now the task becomes finding the right social outlets for me. Like I said, I already have a lot of friends but I find myself on nights I do not have the kid I am pretty much alone. I come home after work and veg out on the couch or work some more. My weekends off I work for my parents since I'm still dealing with the debt from the divorce so I end up alone most of that time as well. All of this I realize leads to being....well, alone! lol. 

Guess I need to figure out how to start mixing in some people time into my life.


----------



## Pbartender

Paradise said:


> Starting over in life in your mid 30's knowing no one is a very tough thing to do.


That's an excuse. Nothing more.

In four months I went from practically no friends to more than I can currently count... I could feasibly have a social engagement every other day of the week if I wanted to.

Just find people and talk to them. If you've get even just one friend that way, your in... Now make friends with your friend's friends. And then make friends with your friend's friends' friends. *ZAP-POW!* Now you've got friends out the wazoo... Half of them are likely women... And some of them might like you.

_That's_ social networking.

Find a different group of people, make one friend and do it again.



Paradise said:


> Guess I need to figure out how to start mixing in some people time into my life.


It's not that tough... "Hey, what are you guys doing this weekend?" That's a good start.


----------



## EleGirl

Paradise said:


> Meet-up groups are fine but someone posted this a few days ago about the times of the events that interest me fall on the times when I have my kiddo. I have her half the time so that is hard to schedule things. Oh well, I'm off of school in less than a week so I'll have more time to do things.


How old is your kiddo? Surely your kiddo can do things that are interesting as well.

Look for a group in your area called "Parent's Without Partners". You can take your kiddo to the meetups. They do bar-b-ques, go hicking, go to museums, etc, etc. That's where my ex met his new wife. PWP is all over the country. If there is not a chapter near you start one. Then organize outtings so that men and women have fun things to do with ther children. This would really open up your social life.

Here's a link to find a chapter near you.

Find a Chapter - Parents Without Partners

If you join a PWP group, you can then organize things doing what you like to do and other parents will most likely join you who enjoy the same things.. and bring their kids.

Here's one in my area.. giving it here as an example for you...."Weekend Family Camps in New Mexico". "This is a group for any families seeking affordable (sometimes even free!) family camp weekend in New Mexico! With over 10 family-friendly weekends there are options for everyone! "
Weekend Family Camps in New Mexico! (Albuquerque, NM) - Meetup


One thing I noticed about a lot of the groups listed on Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup is that they are do not have one meeting date a month. Instead they schedule different activities through out the month.

For example here is the " Greater Albuquerque / Santa Fe Kayak club" they have 588 Kayaker Members

Greater Albuquerque / Santa Fe Kayak Community (Albuquerque, NM) - Meetup

Saturday, June 1 - Chama River Run
Wednesday, June 5 - Pool Play in Santa Fe
Saturday, June 8 Animas River Day - Slaloman Race View
Wednesday, June 12 Kayak Pool Party
Sunday June 23, Storrie Lake Triathlon
Wednesday, June 26 - Kayak Pool Party
Friday, July 19 - 2nd annual "Weekends of Rivers"

These meetings are all through the month on diff days. Almost every group is like this. You are not expected to go to every meeting. And you might be able to take your kiddo to meetings. You would have to call them to ask.

My point is that with so many organizations there are surely some that you can take your child to and some that have activities on days when you can attend by yourself.

There are hundreds of meetups listed on Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup for Albuquerque (where I live). I don't know where you live but there are probably a lot in your area as well.


----------



## mule kick

I suggest taking a public speaking class. Learn to overcome your anxiety.


----------



## Paradise

mule kick said:


> I suggest taking a public speaking class. Learn to overcome your anxiety.


I actually thought of this but the funny thing is I'm a teacher! :rofl: I talk all day! I know it is different but oh well. 

I'm getting there on ideas to try. One thing I did check up on is a mountain biking meet-up group in my area and there are lots of times they meet. I go every now and then but this is something that I want to do more of and it is free. 

It's a start!


----------



## whitehawk

yeah l know how you feel with the dating sites and paying. For a start when moneys just tight , they're pretty dear. Then l find if l did wanna join one , which one !/
So you check out the sort of people in some and even then l end up down to say 3 sites . One might be sh1t but there is just this one girl in it or something.Join that just for her though and she mightn't even talk to you anyway. Very confusing.
l wouldn't worry too much about being awkward mate , there's just as many awkward girls out there , there's someone for everyone, every type.

lf you wanna conquer it for you , that's different , go for it l say.
Funny though , l personally do find l must admit , on an up mood l do end up talking to people all over the place even if it's just shops through your day. They do respond, girls too.
l never use to bother with that -to me bs , but now l'm on my own l make a bit of effort on a good day and pretty surprised let me tell ya . The girls especially seem to appreciate a smiling face l find so there ya go.
But at the end of the day you only gotta get along with that one your interested in and if it's mutual it'll just happen anyway.Don't stress , just enjoy yourself. 
Bike club sounds good btw.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

I can't believe I'm in such a freaking large city and there actually is NOT a PWP chapter near me. But I see there is a convention in Orlando in July... hmmm....


----------



## muskrat

Paradise said:


> I actually thought of this but the funny thing is I'm a teacher! :rofl: I talk all day! I know it is different but oh well.
> 
> I'm getting there on ideas to try. One thing I did check up on is a mountain biking meet-up group in my area and there are lots of times they meet. I go every now and then but this is something that I want to do more of and it is free.
> 
> It's a start!


Meet ups and meet and greets are the way to go!!

I tried online dating and either my pics or writing skills are not up to par. Probably both. Anyhow none of the women I write ever write back. A few weeks ago I went on a camping meet and greet. I have been contacted and asked on a date by 4 different women that also went camping. 1 I think is strictly on a friend level. 2 are not quite what I am looking for (In my drunken state I may have led the 1 on a little, that is another problem I need to handle). The forth, well her and I have a date fri. night. She does not live real close, she lives in Maryland. We are meeting in Baltimore and going to dinner and then going to see the Yankees vs. the Orioles.
Anyhow, it seems to me it is much easier to get dates when people actually get to see you and talk to you in a relaxed setting like meet ups.


----------



## muskrat

My biggest advice is just be yourself. I am also a shy introvert. When I went camping I got drunk and lived it up. I stopped worrying what people would think of me. WHO CARES if what they think. If they didn't like me, I never had to see them again. 
I wouldn't recommend getting drunk. I did do some things I regret. A little bit of alcohol though will help you relax and let you be yourself.


----------



## whitehawk

muskrat said:


> Meet ups and meet and greets are the way to go!!
> 
> I tried online dating and either my pics or writing skills are not up to par. Probably both. Anyhow none of the women I write ever write back. A few weeks ago I went on a camping meet and greet. I have been contacted and asked on a date by 4 different women that also went camping. 1 I think is strictly on a friend level. 2 are not quite what I am looking for (In my drunken state I may have led the 1 on a little, that is another problem I need to handle). The forth, well her and I have a date fri. night. She does not live real close, she lives in Maryland. We are meeting in Baltimore and going to dinner and then going to see the Yankees vs. the Orioles.
> Anyhow, it seems to me it is much easier to get dates when people actually get to see you and talk to you in a relaxed setting like meet ups.



Yep l find the same thing. Real life lots of girls like me but on those damn sites l dunno . lt's what , write me an interesting email about yourself , fk off !


----------



## indiecat

How do you find being alone?


----------



## whitehawk

Yeah l've only been separated 8 mths so although at times l have been very lonely , l've needed that time to myself so . 
But it is a big thing l know . l spent 3 wks with one girl earlier on but really it was too soon for me and she had too many issues too so got outa Dodge.
Me , l really worry about the future though now.
A whole range of issues .
1st , x and l shouldn't have split, we were lifers, we just got messed up . So this is all wrong , it wasn't meant to be this way. l'm not even meant to be here , she isn't either which she's finding out herself now as time goes on. The new life bed of roses has lots of very nasty thorns too .

Next well , it's probably no secret but l just think women have become so messed up , don't have what it takes anymore and are 75% the divorce rate now yet there is no way that should be more than 50/50 and no way they're any better than men , worse in fact if you read some of the horror through here so- how could you even trust a women anymore to start new.
The only hope is to find one that's had this done to her too , she'd be the only one l'd ever trust with my life again.

And 3rd , there's no way my x or me could ever match what we had again , even she said that - yet it still blew up so what hope has anything got.

Verses loneliness - don't know !


----------



## angelpixie

Whitehawk, I have to ask, are you in any kind of IC? I mean this in the nicest way possible, but as a woman, I really hope I don't run into anyone as anti-woman as you in my dating travels. 'Women' are not messed up. If you want to stick to that line of thinking, then please do so with the realization that 'men' are just as messed up. There are women AND men with problems, there are men AND women who have become bitter (by choice, I might add) due to bad relationships. There are also women AND men who are living relatively healthy lives, and men AND women who have come out from bad relationships learning lessons about themselves, about the nature of relationships, and who are not bitter. If you don't choose to get over your bitterness and hurt and anger, why should any woman subject herself to it? The only woman who would would be a woman with problems. A healthy woman, a type of woman I'd assume you'd want to be with, wouldn't subject herself to hearing the kind of stuff you write here over and over. 

I would love for everyone who's been through the kinds of awful break-ups that bring a lot of us to TAM to have loving, healthy relationships in the future. That's why I'm saying the tough stuff to you, 'Hawk. The way you're going about things is not going to get you the love and happiness you're looking for.


----------



## mule kick

Yeah, the idea of marriage for life was a relic of an era when women were property first of their parents then of their husband. Yes there are people that can still live together for life. Those that don't aren't messed up. I mean, some people are messed up of course. but being married for life doesnt make you any more sane. 
It's a brave new world and welcome to it.


----------



## whitehawk

Yeah true Angel, gotta shake the crap ! At least people like yourself, other girls through here, the great people and good will round here , gives ya hope. Even my x , she's not a bad girl , opposite in fact , we just got messed up and messed up.
You know, the crap though you hear, read,get involved with through all this well, talk about eye openers .
Still yep, gotta see the good stuff , up the spirits a little . :smthumbup: l know it's 50/50 and once again even in this , the man haters really turn guys off too.


----------

