# D - The Process - Advice Please



## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

Not going into a full history. My W and I have been married 20 years. We have 2 daughters, 11 & 14. My W had an affair 3 years ago. When I found out I was shocked. So shocked and devasted a turned into a huge nice guy and let her make it my fault. So much my fault in fact I tried to show her how much I loved her while she continued the affair off/on for 9 months. I busted her 4 times by hacking FB, emails, phone records, etc. Needless to say my trust was completely destroyed.

I did not discover TAM and what to do in these situations until last summer. Since then I have given it every shot at reconciling and trying to rebuild the marriage. We were in MC late summer through fall until I finally made a phone call that made me discover she had still been emailing him. "Only once every month or two. But he always emails first! Doesn't mean anything". I've worked extensively on myself. Anyway, I decided I was done. We discussed self divorce and it started out okay but as soon as things got real like she saw her actual expenses it quickly got heated. We decided to put it on the back burner until after the holidays. Let our daughters enjoy one last holiday together.

Through the last 1/2 of last year I've really opened my eyes to my level of unhappinness in the marriage. It's not just the affair - that is a symptom of my wife's unhappinness. It's so many things. If she was wanting to try to improve things I could do that but even after her affair her effort consists of "showing up". I could stay but I know what that has looked like and it's not happinness for me. I've simply decided I am worth more and am ready to move on with my future. My decision. If it were up to her nothing would change even though she has agreed divorce is the right thing to do, she just doesn't want to face that. Or she doesn't want to be the bad guy.

We haven't re-engaged conversations yet. Actually last night she was making references to concerts and other activites WE will be doing next month and later this spring. Not sure what's going on there. Doesn't matter, I am ready to D.

Here's my questions:

Should I attempt to re-engage her in do-it-yourself divorce talks or just file? I have a lawyer ready, just need to pick up the phone.

Once it starts, how do things begin? I am really in the dark here. I know I shouldn't move out. Should I sleep in the spare bedroom?

Anyway, I have a lot of questions. Anyone who has gone through this with advice is much appreciated.

Thank you.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

well my friend, you know your wife better that anyone here, if the problem while discussing divorce was the money factor, the both you having lawyers and figthing back and foward is just going to make the whole thing expensive and worst for both of you.

the best option will be a moderator, but for this option the both of you have to agree pretty much in everything, for what you describe your wife want to rug sweep everything again as she has always done.

so you can try once again an amicable talk about divorce to do it in the cheapest way, if you see a negative response don't even bother in fighting or refuting her comments, just stop the conversation, play her, conceding that she is right and then file divorce.

at least in this way you know you tried to do things amicable and she just like always did what she wanted.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

Thanks manticore.

Yeah, I go back and forth. The "nice guy" in me wants to give it a shot but I like your advice. If I feel any resistance from her simply disengage and file myself. That way I can feel good about giving it a final shot.

I posted another thread under "wacky mother in law" about how I was ambushed by her mother a couple of months ago. This was after we had agreed DIY divorce would work. After I gave my W a spreadsheet of her expenses she said "WTF? Am I supposed to live in the poor house?" I told her divorce was going to suck for us both financially. She must have told mommy because the next week I was hit hard from the mother in law about how much my wife had given up and if I was truly thinking of our daughters best interests shouldn't I be willing to pay to keep them and my wife in the house.

After that is when I shut up and decided filing was probably my best bet. I don't want to be a d**k but then again I've tried my best.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

2yearsago said:


> ......She must have told mommy because the next week I was hit hard from the mother in law about how much my wife had given up and if I was truly thinking of our daughters best interests shouldn't I be willing to pay to keep them and my wife in the house.
> 
> After that is when I shut up and decided filing was probably my best bet. * I don't want to be a d**k* but then again I've tried my best.


2yago, you are a good man, but you are right you still have the nice guy síndrome in you, you know, I have many times thought that in a ideal world that is not a bad thing because someone with that characteristics would be treated in the same way by his partner, unfotunatly as we know that is not the case in real world.

you are not being a d**k, *you have to engrave in your mind that everything that is happening in the end is consequence of her actions*, I read your threads I mean you give her as many chances as possible and she keep braking NC once and again, and not just that during "R" she never was fully commited to you, your healing or your needs.

I am not telling you to hate her, she is in the end the mother of your kids but you don't have to live a life of finacial restraints to pay her whims.

she is going to be on her own she have to be also responsable in her end for her and her kids.


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

My ex and I did a dissolution. No lawyers involved, although we both had a consultation. If we had fought over assets we would have spent a pile of money on attorneys. At one time she showed up to tell me she was going to hire an attorney. I asked "why", and she said cause she wanted more. I told her she wouldn't get more and in fact would likely get less. I would quit being friendly about it if I had to get a lawyer. My 1st instructions to him would be that I wanted her and her attorney to know they were getting their asses kicked. It would be a blood bath and when it was over we would hate each other and so would our kids. She backed off and we agreed on the split of all the assets. Best way to go in my opinion. My experience says that women often get attorneys and ramp everything up thinking they will stick it to the guy, when all that really happens is a couple of attorney rake in some big bucks, and the divorcees pay through the nose. Both end up with less.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

WayUpNorth said:


> My ex and I did a dissolution. No lawyers involved, although we both had a consultation. If we had fought over assets we would have spent a pile of money on attorneys. At one time she showed up to tell me she was going to hire an attorney. I asked "why", and she said cause she wanted more. I told her she wouldn't get more and in fact would likely get less. I would quit being friendly about it if I had to get a lawyer. My 1st instructions to him would be that I wanted her and her attorney to know they were getting their asses kicked. It would be a blood bath and when it was over we would hate each other and so would our kids. She backed off and we agreed on the split of all the assets. Best way to go in my opinion. My experience says that women often get attorneys and ramp everything up thinking they will stick it to the guy, when all that really happens is a couple of attorney rake in some big bucks, and the divorcees pay through the nose. Both end up with less.


:iagree:

this advice is gold, as I told you make the amicable approach first, as "WayUpNorth" say if she begin with the lawyer thing then you can even respond as he did, but if in the end she does not give you options then file


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

> Here's my questions:
> 
> Should I attempt to re-engage her in do-it-yourself divorce talks or just file? I have a lawyer ready, just need to pick up the phone.
> 
> Once it starts, how do things begin? I am really in the dark here. I know I shouldn't move out. Should I sleep in the spare bedroom?


It really depends on how you want to go about the divorce, via the lawyer process or somewhat of an amiable one. As noted, the lawyer process can cost both parties significant monies depending on how much fighting is involved.

As much as I might have hated my wife after her affair, we were able to decide to do an amiable divorce as we both realized that we would have to deal with each other for years due to our children. If you can do it and agree to it, treat it like a business deal. No emotion, equitable, and use a little thought. 

Come up with a goal for how you want to see things happen in the divorce. Then develop a plan to achieve that goal. Some use a lawyer, some use the internet to find all the information they can on the process. Make yourself smarter so you can come up with a realistic and achievable plan.

Both parites are going to get screwed financially, simply because you will now have to run two households on the same income as before. You will also need to split the marital assets equitably. That is everything aquired during the marriage that you did not own previously. Some is easy, others such as the house can be more difficult.

You need to look at custody and come up with an schedule that is beneficial to both of you. In todays day and age, there is no reason that you should settle for less than 50/50 parenting time with your kids. Don't give in to the old "The kids need their Mom more" BS, they need both parents in their life. Also be aware of your states child support calculations. Usually it is based on overnights with each parent and parental incomes. One person may owe the other money. 

And do not engage or talk to the MIL. She sounds like she has the old school "screw the man attiude" when it comes to divorce.

The basic divorce process depends on state. In my state, you only had to be seperated and apart for a period of a year and you could file for divorce. We agree to a separation agreement that covered assets and custody. My now ex moved out shortly afterwards into her own place. At the one year point, when down to the courthouse and filed for divorce. Got the court date and a couple of weeks later we were divorced. Research your state statutes on the process (cheaper than talking to a lawyer).

Rule #1, don't move out of the house unless ordered to by the court. That is the best way to get screwed on custody.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your wife is going to have to do the unthinkable: get a job. Or maybe OM can support her.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

I want to settle it as amiacably as possible. I would prefer not to get the lawyer thing going because that could get hairy.

I think my real issue with myself is driving it forward. Taking the action. Basically not TALKING about it anymore but DOING something about it.

What I will do is tell the wife that I am going to start the divorce process. I would like to do as much as possible ourselves because I feel we can work through it together. I will then start doing it.

If I get pushback, the MIL gets in my face, things start going sideways, etc. I will then call the lawyer.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

2yearsago said:


> I want to settle it as amiacably as possible. I would prefer not to get the lawyer thing going because that could get hairy.
> 
> *I think my real issue with myself is driving it forward. Taking the action.* Basically not TALKING about it anymore but DOING something about it.
> 
> ...


yes for what I see your wife thinks that divorce is not a real possibility, just something that you mention as an empty threat, try telling her that you are arrenging dates for consultation regarding the divorce see her reaction, but go and do it for real


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