# Husband left me because I am mean...



## NeedToLive (Jan 28, 2014)

Me and my husband got married real quick, we began dating in Aug/2010 and married May/2011. Since the beginning I was very controlling and wanted everything my way, which I have tried to change. I have always been the, my way kind of wife. My husband would give me his check on a weekly basis and I would control all finances, we bought we brand new car/truck (of his dreams) and I spend a lot of money buying the brand new jordans, clothes (top of the line) and even saved up to buy a property income which brought us cash flow. He has no papers (immigration) and my fear was letting him go to the “guy thing” (drink) and they would catch him and there goes are chances of living the freely. 

When I met my husband he had nothing, lived in a garage took him out of there quick and got an apartment, then our house. 

Now this is where he claims I have been the worse wife ever, he claims, and it’s true, that when he wanted to drink with his boys I could call constantly to make sure that he was not drunk and driving. He would go with his family and I would text him to come home that I missed him. He felt that I took his money and never gave him anything, which is weird for me because everything that I got him. 

So this past week, we went to Vegas and we were drinking, having a good time, well, he started to buy beers with our credit card, which I told him at the bar, in front of his boys, that, “why would you buy beers if you can get them for free down stairs, DUMB!!!” So he followed me and cursed at me saying, “It’s just $15, I work hard for my money, and I cannot believe you give a rats ass for F*&^%$ $15”. I apologized and told him he was right, that I am sorry and I did not want to fight with him anymore. Well, that week was great and I tried hard to surpass our vegas disaster. Come Friday, I told him that I wanted to have a BBQ with my family and he said, “No, I am never returning with your family as they know about our fight,” to which I said, “don’t be a hardhead and please let’s go!” “Babe, sometime I feel that you do not want to fight for this relationship and do not love me anymore!” Then, the bombshell, “I do NOT love you, I have been feeling like this for months, you have been incarcerated without me doing anything”! “I come home and I feel like having a heart-attack because I cannot stand coming home!” “I hate being married to you, so here’s my keys to the truck, my last check and the keys to the house and left!” 

Since then I have been feeling like **** and blame myself! Did I do something that bad to the point that he hates me? So I tried to beg him to return to no avail, I did the 180 thing and turned off both of our cell phones, sold his clothes, left my apt, and have completely changed everything to make sure that I do not contact him in any way possible. Now I am devastated and hurt so bad…what did I do wrong?? 
:scratchhead:


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Is there any chance he's cheating on you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think you know what you did wrong. On the flip side, your husband has plenty of fault as well. You could suggest marriage counselling, but he might be too far gone. You could try individual counseling, so you don't make the same mistakes again. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Sometimes people reaching a breaking point and they're done. They leave without looking back. I'm not sure if that's where he is. Maybe. Maybe he's finally had enough of what he perceives as your controlling and mean behavior. People don't want to be kept on a leash. If he comes back to work on the marriage, you two should read the book "Lovebusters" by Dr. Harley. The way you two communicate with each other has to improve. Sounds like you say hurtful things. He probably did too. Communication is when a message is said and heard in the way it was intended by the recipient.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

You sold his clothes?

Forgive me for getting stuck on this point, but damn.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

GTdad said:


> You sold his clothes?
> 
> Forgive me for getting stuck on this point, but damn.


He's been gone since Friday. What did he expect?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NeedToLive (Jan 28, 2014)

PBear said:


> He's been gone since Friday. What did he expect?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He left me and threw the brand new truck that we got him at me. I cannot go back to my apt without crying my eyes out. I did wrong but so did he. I have tried the marriage counseling to work with him but he said, "HELL NO!" So what can I do, I did that 180 that everyone talks about. I tried to beg, I try to plea with him but he left everything and now living in a garage, with nothing. So that to me means, that he prefers that life than the miserable one I gave him.


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## NeedToLive (Jan 28, 2014)

Coffee Amore said:


> Sometimes people reaching a breaking point and they're done. They leave without looking back. I'm not sure if that's where he is. Maybe. Maybe he's finally had enough of what he perceives as your controlling and mean behavior. People don't want to be kept on a leash. If he comes back to work on the marriage, you two should read the book "Lovebusters" by Dr. Harley. The way you two communicate with each other has to improve. Sounds like you say hurtful things. He probably did too. Communication is when a message is said and heard in the way it was intended by the recipient.


He has too much pride. Hispanic, Macho, Mexican pride that he would prefer to die then to come back. That's how he is.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Ideally, your husband would have raised his issues with you before he snapped and stormed out. I would wonder, however... How much he might tried to let you know that your actions bothered him and he got shouted down (or otherwise controlled). In any case, based on your description, I wouldn't have tolerated a marriage with you. Either you would have changed or I would have left long ago. 

As far as the 180 goes... That's to get you in a better place to let him go doing it and expecting a whipped dog to come back... Not likely to work. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NeedToLive (Jan 28, 2014)

Now I get a message from his family that he wants his truck and clothes back. I know I have made mistakes and big ones!! I am a bad wife and I agree with you guys completely. But love means to talk it out not out of the blue say "F" you I do not love you. He made many mistakes as well and I always talk about things and let him know how I felt, I never got that...EVER!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear this happened.

If he doesn't want to get back with you, all you can do is accept it as much as you don't want to.

Sounds like he may have reached the end of his rope. Work on you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I've got no doubts that he wasn't a perfect husband as well. But he's gone. Checked out. And when he finds out you sold his clothes off after 4 days, it's not going to get better. 

All you can do now is learn from your mistakes and work on yourself. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Have you divorced? Did he earn half the value of the truck?

How much were the clothes worth?

Do you have good relations with anyone in his family?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Honestly both of you screwed up. You cant control anyone, it's not your right to do so. 

He sound like a man who shoots from the lip. In other words he doesn't think before he speaks and has a sever case of foot in mouth disease.

You now have an idea of what life will be like if you stick around and there's a lesson to be learned here.

Both of you need to curb your bad habits, your controlling issues and his drinking and trying to live a single life while married and his talking without thinking.

Give him his truck back and lord only knows what the outcome of you selling his clothes will be but whatever you haven't sold, give it back to him and IMO, move on and remember the bad lesson you just learned.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

One thing we have to learn is giving our man "everything" he wants materially, doesn't make them love us more. You were giving him things in hopes of some sort of reciprocity in one way or another, or maybe just some appreciation. Unfortunately, that's not the case. There's no buying loyalty, it's just a natural trait of the right man!

I understand where you're coming from in a lot of ways. I also took care of everything for a long time, although I didn't necessarily want to. You also married a latino, which I think comes with slightly different rules than marrying, say, an American white guy. I've been married to each, so that's just my experience. Latino's are typically pretty traditional, and for the most part naturally machismo. They expect the woman to take the woman's role, and be naturally modest and look to them as the man. It doesn't matter how much you work, how much more money you make than him, how much you buy or take care of in the marriage - they are the MAN. No man wants to be emasculated by their wife, all men want to be treated like "men", but I really felt a deeper sense of it with my latino X. "They don't have to earn it they deserve it anyways" type of thing. Like their born right. I cannot speak about the latino's born here in the US, they're more "Americanized" I think, but if they were born and raised for any length of time in their home country, I see that more to be the case.

So, from the stories you're telling me you were really emasculating him, and in front of others. You sound like you have no trouble speaking your mind, but in his eyes it was you insulting him. Not saying you're necessarily wrong for speaking your mind, because I know a lot of women that speak their mind to their husbands and they can take it, but that's the delicate difference in cultures I think. Depending on his pride level is how long he would take it. My X also cared a lot about what other people thought of him, so the fact that your H was aware that your family knew about your fight is also a big blow to his ego. 

He also felt emasculated because it sounds like you gave him an allowance. He gave you his check, and you bought stuff and paid the bills. Some men might be ok with that, but again, it's a machismo thing and he's thinking he's working and he has no money to play with. And to ask his wife for money is probably also insulting to his ego. A solution to that would've been a good sit-down talk and plan one combined account that you both contribute to and two separate accounts. But if you blew him off about that than I could see why he'd be mad.

Just the fact that he actually GAVE you the keys to his vehicle and abandoned his clothes shows how serious he is. He just wants out. 

Your healing process will take time, lots of time. But you're right in not contacting him for now, because you need to clear your head. Don't beat yourself up, but do try and consider the things you did do wrong in the relationship, so you don't repeat them. At this point, you can't change him, it doesn't sound like he feels like he needs to change anything because YOU are the one at fault in his eyes. So take care of yourself emotionally. See a therapist to help you talk through it and help you heal.


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## NeedToLive (Jan 28, 2014)

struggle said:


> One thing we have to learn is giving our man "everything" he wants materially, doesn't make them love us more. You were giving him things in hopes of some sort of reciprocity in one way or another, or maybe just some appreciation. Unfortunately, that's not the case. There's no buying loyalty, it's just a natural trait of the right man!
> 
> I understand where you're coming from in a lot of ways. I also took care of everything for a long time, although I didn't necessarily want to. You also married a latino, which I think comes with slightly different rules than marrying, say, an American white guy. I've been married to each, so that's just my experience. Latino's are typically pretty traditional, and for the most part naturally machismo. They expect the woman to take the woman's role, and be naturally modest and look to them as the man. It doesn't matter how much you work, how much more money you make than him, how much you buy or take care of in the marriage - they are the MAN. No man wants to be emasculated by their wife, all men want to be treated like "men", but I really felt a deeper sense of it with my latino X. "They don't have to earn it they deserve it anyways" type of thing. Like their born right. I cannot speak about the latino's born here in the US, they're more "Americanized" I think, but if they were born and raised for any length of time in their home country, I see that more to be the case.
> 
> ...


Wow, Struggle, it seems like you hit right at home. I did damage and have/will learn from this. I tilt the cup of water that was already full and I have to live with that. But there was more to the, "get out of my life I do not love you," that made me do what I did e.g. donated his clothes. I was left alone, in an apt looking at his clothes and just cried, and cried, I did wrong but I am/could try to fix it which I am doing now to save myself from future failures. I do not hate him and I am hoping that he does not hate me. I have been receiving constant messages from his family that he wants the truck, he NEEDS the truck. I feel that truck has more value than me. The truck, it's under my name and he has no insurance, no driver license and he has no one that will help him to change the truck under his name. He is a heavy drinker and I do not want to be legally bond to anything that he can do. 

I am human, only human and I messed up. I know I gave him EVERYTHING that I can give him but that was my husband, I cook, cleaned, worked, and tried to give him everything that was emotional/financial/and physical and it still was not enough. That's why I feel how I feel, I messed up, but I gave him what a man should get, yeah, I needed help, just didn't have to throw me away like he did.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

NeedToLive said:


> I do not hate him and I am hoping that he does not hate me.


With the way your marriage has ended I think that feeling is normal. This is the beginning and you're still pretty much in shock and very heartbroken.




NeedToLive said:


> I have been receiving constant messages from his family that he wants the truck, he NEEDS the truck. I feel that truck has more value than me. The truck, it's under my name and he has no insurance, no driver license and he has no one that will help him to change the truck under his name. He is a heavy drinker and I do not want to be legally bond to anything that he can do.


Ok well this is where I stick up for you girlfriend. Unless he can financially support his truck, AND get it put in his name, I don't see how that is your problem. You are not obligated to pay for ANYTHING of his, because he wants out of the marriage. The temptation is to continue to be the "nice" person and keep taking care of your man-child. I know, especially because you don't know if it's really "OVER" over at this point. But - you will just put yourself in a world of frustration and further heartbreak if you continue to do things for him, and expect him to "pay you back" later when he gets 'back on his feet'. It won't happen. I know the whole latino family mentality....guilt trip....take care of your family.....bleeding hearts....ay poor manito....que cosa...... The women all have it - especially moms/aunts for their sons/nephews. God I love them for their big hearts, don't get me wrong. But the men don't have it. He's pretty much running on the mentality of what HE wants. So screw that. Talk to an attorney and figure out your rights with the truck. I see nothing wrong with letting him have it if he can pay for it, but if he can't you have to figure out what you're legally allowed to do. Possession is 9/10ths of the law - as they say. 





NeedToLive said:


> I am human, only human and I messed up. I know I gave him EVERYTHING that I can give him but that was my husband, I cook, cleaned, worked, and tried to give him everything that was emotional/financial/and physical and it still was not enough. That's why I feel how I feel, I messed up, but I gave him what a man should get, yeah, I needed help, just didn't have to throw me away like he did.


Everyone makes mistakes, no one's perfect. Maybe you were too aggressive, maybe you were too controlling with things, but it sounds like you've beaten yourself up plenty. These are things you CANNOT bring into your next relationship. So seek some counseling. I'm sure you did and gave a lot - I also did and gave a lot to my X. The problem is that no matter how much you give, and how much you do - it doesn't matter if the core of the relationship is broken. Communication, patience and understanding is so important in strong relationship and it takes work. But it's hard if one side, or both sides, don't want (or don't know how) to work at it - and be willing to change. Just the fact that he refused MC means that he doesn't see himself doing anything wrong. And you can't work with that. 

Unfortunately I've learned, with both my marriages, that a man will decide when he's "done" with your marriage in his own time - and won't let you know he's headed in that direction until he's made the final decision. And you're left scratching your head AND holding the bag for most responsibilites, because men like that have ZERO knowhow when it comes to being a responsible adult man. A.k.a...man-child


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Given what you say, I can't understand why you purchased the truck in the first place. From a legal perspective, you're at a huge risk having an unlicensed uninsured driver cruising around in a vehicle with your name on it. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PBear said:


> Given what you say, I can't understand why you purchased the truck in the first place. From a legal perspective, you're at a huge risk having an unlicensed uninsured driver cruising around in a vehicle with your name on it.
> 
> C


Add to this a heavy drinker who most likely is driving under the influence fairly regulary.

There is no way she should be giving him the truck back.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NeedToLive,

I think that more info is needed.

Do you work as well and earn an income? If so what % of your joint income do you earn?


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## NeedToLive (Jan 28, 2014)

struggle said:


> With the way your marriage has ended I think that feeling is normal. This is the beginning and you're still pretty much in shock and very heartbroken.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Struggle - may I say you are a gift from above. Thank you. And you are right, I already beat myself too DAMN much about this. :iagree:

I did what I can and now I need to let this man-child get out of my life and grow up and begin to live again. Because the last 5 years I have made sure he was okay, now, I have to remind myself about me. Thank you so much for your kind words in this unfortunate situation. You live and you learn. Now off to my attorney...blah!! :scratchhead:


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

struggle said:


> Unfortunately I've learned, with both my marriages, that a man will decide when he's "done" with your marriage in his own time - and won't let you know he's headed in that direction until he's made the final decision. And you're left scratching your head AND holding the bag for most responsibilites, because men like that have ZERO knowhow when it comes to being a responsible adult man. A.k.a...man-child


Wow... 2 men "like that".

Has to scare you going forward.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

NeedToLive said:


> He left me and threw the brand new truck that we got him at me. I cannot go back to my apt without crying my eyes out. I did wrong but so did he. I have tried the marriage counseling to work with him but he said, "HELL NO!" So what can I do, I did that 180 that everyone talks about. I tried to beg, I try to plea with him but he left everything and now living in a garage, with nothing. So that to me means, that he prefers that life than the miserable one I gave him.


It sounds like you are imposing your values on him. 
Seriously, there is nothing wrong with living in a garage with nothing.


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