# one year without sex



## rangerman (Jun 18, 2013)

Been one year without sex from my wife. and the fighting about it gets rough and rough each time. just a few days ago i decided to do this...against me arguing with myself cause i know that it would be pointless....but august 19th is a day i guess it means more to me then her now but that was a date from back in 2000 was our first date so fast forward to a few days ago i did it against my better judgment and decided to bring home a dozen roses and a card for the anniversary of our first date. she liked the gesture but didn't elaborate on it. she didn't get me a card but oh well i though.....well, i hinted at the sex but no dice. even hinted saturday and sunday which was the 2 days before the 19th which was this past monday. well, Tuesday i decided to make a move and she fought me and then shook her head and said "I don't know what to say" and then i looked at her and said that makes 2 of us. I said it has been one year so what gives. I said to her that she tells me to be patient....did that and got me no where. I be aggressive and leads to us fighting so what is her story. she said she don't know. I said I still blame it on some birth control (the patch whatever it is called) and she got pissed that i blamed that patch and i said sorry but that is what i believe. but my problme is she ain't trying to figure out what the deal is. she went to the doctor back in Janurary and he claimed the "no sex drive" is normal that we just need to have date nights....tried that and no dice of course. She said she wish she can go back to when we was yougner where we couldn't keep our hands off each other but now...she don't know. I said what drives me nuts is she will get on the computer and play on facebook and those games but if the no sex drive bothers her, then why don't she look for the answers or some idea online about what she can do as of pill, shots, or something cause i don't know what more i can do. seems like since 2003 whe probably haven't had sex 100 times total in 10 years. I don't know what more i can do


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm sorry - that all sounds so cruel of her. To not even find an explanation to give you. I wonder if she ever plans to have sex again. I don't know how some women (and men) can let things get to this point.

A) If she has no intention of having any kind of sex life why is she on the patch?
B) I don't care if a medicine has reduced your sex drive - you can still have sex. A reasonable adult can still do things they don't feel like doing - I cleaned my house today and didn't want to do it one bit. (Not that sex is like cleaning the house.)


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> A) If she has no intention of having any kind of sex life why is she on the patch?


I am confused about this as well.

I am also confused why she would say she wants to have sex but just can't. Barring some medical condition, if she wants to do it, she can do it. 

Have you been to marriage counseling?


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## rangerman (Jun 18, 2013)

the birth control patch was back in 2003...a couple of months after our soon to be 11 year old was born (he was born in nov. 2002 and she got on the patch in jan 2003). the patch lasted 4 months cause she was a ***** and i mean a ***** on it to the point i almost left her and she will tell poeple she surprised i didn't leave and she wish she could had divorced herself on how bad she was. but fast forward to now, there is nothing stopping her. back a few years ago i had the vascetomy so she can't get preg and even then after the surgery the doc said to put a condom on and have sex 20 times to get what was left of the live sperm out....well, i had to do the work myself with many trips to the bathroom and do the deed myself cause she didn't participate in the sex activity but she was glad to hear that i took the step in doing it myself


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## Willowfin (Jan 2, 2012)

Has she told you or shown you in any other way that she loves you? If not - then unfortunately maybe that's the issue. 

Of course there are times when one partner is not in the mood - but for a whole year? Is she on any medication (anti-depressants ?) that would list loss of sex drive as a side effect? 

If not on any meds then you'll have to change tact - Don't 'pester' her for sex (which is extremely off putting for a woman - and makes the man come across as weak and needy). Put a lot of effort into your grooming (not suggesting you don't already - but step it up a notch maybe). Nice touch with the roses


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## Willowfin (Jan 2, 2012)

Could she possibly regret that you had the vasectomy and therefore is acting out - ie - well f.u. that I can't have another child - so you sure ain't going to get any pleasure! 
Apologies if I'm way off base but just a thought....


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Willowfin said:


> Has she told you or shown you in any other way that she loves you? If not - then unfortunately maybe that's the issue.
> 
> Of course there are times when one partner is not in the mood - but for a whole year? Is she on any medication (anti-depressants ?) that would list loss of sex drive as a side effect?
> 
> If not on any meds then you'll have to change tact - Don't 'pester' her for sex (which is extremely off putting for a woman - and makes the man come across as weak and needy). Put a lot of effort into your grooming (not suggesting you don't already - but step it up a notch maybe). Nice touch with the roses


Well she didn't give a sh!t about the roses start dressing up a little after work just say you are going out don't tell her where even if it's just the librarymaybe she will think you are moving on without her or you are seeing someone. If that doesn't change anything-sigh-divorce I guess.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

So is she saying she hasn't been in the mood for sex for a year?
So you get nothing? 
Wow...how selfish!

Why not ask her if you can go outside the marriage for this need to be met... surely she doesn't expect you to be celibate? 
Who marries expecting to live like a monk. 

After a year of no sex your really just roommates anyway. How sad.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

It could be that she has no sex drive but how that affects you does not seem to matter a whole lot to her. You are right that if it did bother her, she might try any number of things to correct that.

Obviously if it has been that long since she has been on the patch then it is unrelated. The patch is not going to permanently change your sex drive. You are trying to rationalize.

She wants you to be patient. Patient for what? That some miracle is going to happen and she is going to want to start having sex again. What is she working on towards making that happen? Sounds to me like you've been patient enough. 

It's come time to:
1) Accept this situation.
2) Mutually agree to work on it. It is either a physical issue or it is rooted in your relationship ... or both.
3) Do not accept the situation; either she agrees to work on it or the relationship cannot continue. Your patience has run out and without some action towards resolving it, there is no point in continued patience.

I vote for #3, for your sake.

I really question if she is sexually attracted to you or is "in love" with you. She can care about you without having a desire to be intimate with you. Seems like both of you are skirting the obvious question ... because frankly, it is a very difficult thing to admit, either to the other person or to yourself. It is cruel for her to withhold sex ... but she may not think of it that way because it may be far crueler in her mind to be completely honest. She may believe she is doing you a favor in that respect. It might be a discussion you want to have in front of a marriage counselor. I hope this isn't the case but I think it is a discussion that needs to be had.


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## rangerman (Jun 18, 2013)

Willow...I tried to be patient. never pestered in a few weeks. kisses here and she kiss back but nothing where she make a move or nothing. i keep myself groomed pretty well. i did ask if it my looks cause i am a little over weight but she says no so who knows. she ain't on any meds. just diet pills but nothing else

wai...it does feel like we roommates at times. she in the living room on her computer and i am in den now. she asks me why i don't stay in living room and i told her just not in mood to watch tv and try to spend time with her while she on computer. rather watch a movie with her then me watch movie and look over and see her on facebook or playing whatever games on facebook.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

waiwera said:


> So is she saying she hasn't been in the mood for sex for a year?
> So you get nothing?
> Wow...how selfish!
> 
> ...


Ask her this see how she reacts. I mean at this point you have nothing to lose imo.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

rangerman said:


> Willow...I tried to be patient. never pestered in a few weeks. kisses here and she kiss back but nothing where she make a move or nothing. i keep myself groomed pretty well. i did ask if it my looks cause i am a little over weight but she says no so who knows. she ain't on any meds. just diet pills but nothing else
> 
> wai...it does feel like we roommates at times. she in the living room on her computer and i am in den now. she asks me why i don't stay in living room and i told her just not in mood to watch tv and try to spend time with her while she on computer. rather watch a movie with her then me watch movie and look over and see her on facebook or playing whatever games on facebook.


If she is spending an inordinate amount of time watching tv and playing games on facebook, she may be depressed. That will certainly put a damper on a sex drive and make it difficult to "want" to do something about it.

I go back to my original question about the true state of your relationship and how she feels about you. This isn't due completely to depression. Your sex life has waned dramatically over the last 10 years and been non-existent over the past year. In fact, the state of your relationship may have precipitated depression.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

You can ask the question about an open marriage but personally I don't think it solves anything except to perhaps wake her up to what is going on in your head. What if she says no? What is your course of action then? What if she says yes? How much could she love you if she won't have sex with you but it is ok for you to have sex with other women? What is the point in being married then?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If you're not willing to leave her for good, then there's no fixing it. That's the God's honest truth.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

eventually you will shut down and not desire her anymore.

you might actually be there but don't even realise it yet.

start getting youe house in order incase things don't change you can leave her. but at least you duck will be in a row.

could she be having a facebook affair? start snooping.

you need to decide if this is want you want the rest of your life or if your going to set the bar higher and move on.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

its a tough one. my concern as a man is that if your wife stops having sex with you (especially if you are around 40) it creates a window for ED to set in through frustration/tension/fights and emotional turmoil.

My wife NEVER initiates sex. It's hard for that not to knock your self esteem. You become uncertain if she loves you, if you are still physically attractive to her if she has an affair going. A man's penis listens to this stuff. And that is only because she doesn't initiate.

Have you asked her point blank what the problem is? She has to give you something. Maybe she has medical issues she is too embarrassed to talk about?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Maybe it's come down to sitting her down and tell her that you love her and want to be with her but either she with your backing get professional help in dealing with this problem or your going to consider ending the marriage. 

It's one thing to have sex lacking in a marriage. It happens and for many reasons but in your case, she has to get off a square one and see a doctor and find out what the problem is. She doesn't seem to understand that sex is not only important to you but in any marriage. What you need to do is let her know that your at the end of the line and either she starts putting her half in to your marriage by seeking help or it's over. Your not asking for the moon and you have no reason to feel guilty. Your simply asking for her to help herself. If she's not willing to do that, then maybe the threat of divorce will wake her up. It doesn't mean you have to go through with it but it will open her eyes and realize that she's causing it and it's going to be up to her to do something about it.


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## rangerman (Jun 18, 2013)

understand. there is times i walk around or on the way to work or whatever the case that i just try to figure out how far is far enough. cause it is like i am stuck cause don't want to come off and cheat on her and look bad and i don't want to cheat on her.....but it is like also doing nothing is not doing anything either. it is like i told her the other day, what do i have to do....tell me. i be patient and got nothing and get aggressive and she wants to fight and argue on it. there is no middle ground on it


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Go out a few nights a week without her don't tell her where you are going. Make it look like you are detaching and moving on.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

I was willing to throw out our marriage and lose custody of my kids all for sex. Yes, it's that important to me. If it's not important to her, well, I've still got my bucket list that I never finished up.

BTW, I don't care who you are, there is always someone out there who'll want to have sex with you (and I'm not counting prostitutes).


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