# Dealing with the triggers



## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

Hey guys, I'm Randy. Mine is a long story, but I'll make it short. Myself and the wife are getting divorced, and we are still living together. Things for the most part are amicable, but I found out last Saturday she slept with the guy she's been lying to me about. 

It's been talked about, I'm seeing a counselor and she herself is doing everything to make up for it. It's in my head constantly, the image of them together. 

Here's my problem: day to day, I've developed these triggers. If I hear the word "cheat", see an interracial couple (I'm white, she's black), hear/see anything even slightly sexual, certain phrases or words, etc. 

They just won't stop, and I'm not the type to just turn it off. What do I do?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Continue with the divorce, live separately ASAP. The quicker she becomes a footnote in your life, the better for your overall well being.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

Read up on Stoicism. Read, "A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy".

Put focus on yourself. Excercise, look good etc

You cannot control something that is out of your hands. Focus on what you have control of. Triggers are often a result of things that you cannot contol, so just let go.

Google Red Pill. Check out, /therationalmale.com/ 

If you react to her, you are giving her control. I have been through many triggers myself and it's hard to let them go but it has to be done for self improvement.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Not an ideal situation. Try to relax your mind using relaxation tapes, etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

pylesrm said:


> Hey guys, I'm Randy. Mine is a long story, but I'll make it short. Myself and the wife are getting divorced, and we are still living together. Things for the most part are amicable, but I found out last Saturday she slept with the guy she's been lying to me about.
> 
> It's been talked about, I'm seeing a counselor and she herself is doing everything to make up for it. It's in my head constantly, the image of them together.
> 
> ...


Why are you divorcing? Or, rather, _why did you *think* you were divorcing?_

Are you (now) under the impression that she's been seeing this guy for some time and that their relationship is the _actual_ reason for your impending divorce?


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Am I missing something?

If you're already divorcing,, why are you quizzing her about another guy? She wouldn't walk in the door and announce "I'm not seeing another guy." You're asking her.

If you were living seperately, would it really matter? Why, if you've already agreed it's over?

Just wondering why you're investing time and emotion in something you both agreed is history.

Her 'moral character' is neither here nor there. She's a STBEx. Angel or tramp - she's GONE.

Focus on yourself and detatching from her. When you can do that the triggers will diminish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Continue with the divorce, live separately ASAP. The quicker she becomes a footnote in your life, the better for your overall well being.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly. Everyone is different, but my triggers went away after I was single again. Not that the betrayal doesn't enter my head from time to time...but the difference is, if I'd have stayed with her, they'd be painful and would make me angry.

Now when I think about it, I just laugh to myself about how stupid she is.

I concur. Keep the divorce moving forward.....better days will come.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My triggers/mind movies lasted until my divorce. Now it's as if they never existed and I'm very grateful for that. 

It will be difficult for triggers/mind movies to go away while you are still living with her. I hope the divorce is a quick one. 

Focus on your future. She's part of your past.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Openminded said:


> My triggers/mind movies lasted until my divorce. Now it's as if they never existed and I'm very grateful for that.
> 
> It will be difficult for triggers/mind movies to go away while you are still living with her. I hope the divorce is a quick one.
> 
> Focus on your future. She's part of your past.


That's why divorce will always be my default advise until the OP makes their desired path known. Then I advise in the direction they are going.

But best way to get rid of the pain is to get rid of the source.


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## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Why are you divorcing? Or, rather, _why did you *think* you were divorcing?_
> 
> Are you (now) under the impression that she's been seeing this guy for some time and that their relationship is the _actual_ reason for your impending divorce?


If you ask us both, you get different stories. I want the divorce because she started partying A LOT and emotionally has gone just out of control. The moment I was done was when she starting contacting guys off CR.

She has been seeing him for about six months, or longer, long before I was done. She states she's not leaving me for him, and only recently (sense the first post) has she admitted she is unsure if he is anything other than a rebound.


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## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Am I missing something?
> 
> If you're already divorcing,, why are you quizzing her about another guy? She wouldn't walk in the door and announce "I'm not seeing another guy." You're asking her.
> 
> ...


All good questions. The reason for the quizzing was she starting seeing him before it was even agreeed we were done. I still loved her, and here's this other guy. At the time, I thoughtI could fix things. We still live together, so it's always a reminder. 

I still have love for her, and that's the frustrating part. I'm over it in a big way, and the triggers come and go, but they are still there.


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## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

knightRider said:


> Read up on Stoicism. Read, "A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy".
> 
> Put focus on yourself. Excercise, look good etc
> 
> ...


That hits the nail on the head. I don't know what's worse, knowing it happened or knowning there was probably nothing I could have done to stop it.


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## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

Openminded said:


> My triggers/mind movies lasted until my divorce. Now it's as if they never existed and I'm very grateful for that.
> 
> It will be difficult for triggers/mind movies to go away while you are still living with her. I hope the divorce is a quick one.
> 
> Focus on your future. She's part of your past.


I plan on moving out within the next month. I'm actually apartment shopping tomorrow.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

pylesrm said:


> I plan on moving out within the next month. I'm actually apartment shopping tomorrow.


Seems like you were waiting for this to happen. The reality of this probably hit you harder than the divorce in some ways.

The sooner you move out the better.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. Your getting a divorce so your done. Now the only thing on you mind should be cutting her loose. never mind about that whys and what fore's because you'll never get the answer you want trust me on that because I went through it so just focus on tomorrow and stop wondering about something you can't do anything about.


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## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

BobSimmons said:


> Seems like you were waiting for this to happen. The reality of this probably hit you harder than the divorce in some ways.
> 
> The sooner you move out the better.


I was fairly blindsided by it.


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## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

6301 said:


> Look. Your getting a divorce so your done. Now the only thing on you mind should be cutting her loose. never mind about that whys and what fore's because you'll never get the answer you want trust me on that because I went through it so just focus on tomorrow and stop wondering about something you can't do anything about.


Very true. I tend to hang on that sort of thing, I'm a details kind of guy, but yes, moving on is best. 

"Getting divorced is hard, being divorced is great"


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