# Was it cheating?



## New_Ace (Mar 10, 2011)

my wife of two years is claiming that she was raped, but I think it was an affair and would like anyones perspective on it. She met up with a friend she went to school with and reconnected with her. The two went country dancing together, which I was fine with as I have my guys night out and this would be good for her. She met a guy there who knew country dancing and was teaching her some moves, mainly throwing her in the air and catching her. At some point she told him she was married but considering a divorce, something she did not even mention to me at all, and they exchanged phone numbers. I later found out after the fact that she looked up how to have an affair and how to create an alias on the internet. She created a facebook account under a different name and had an online thing with him, where she told him we were already separated and in the final stages of divorce. They arranged times to meet always at the country dancing though. She was sick one afternoon while I was at work and called him and asked him to come over and bring her medicine which he did. Our son was napping in the other room and she says she just expected him to leave but instead they snuggled together on the couch. She says she sat down and he sat next to her and snuggled up against her, then when she asked him to leave he pushed her down on the couch and raped her. The following day she went to his house and told him she never wanted to see him again. I only found out because he emailed her and she had left her email open on our computer and when I confronted her about it she lied to me about it for three days before she told me the "truth." She claims the internet search was because she didn't know if what she was doing was an affair and wanted to see if it was. She doesn't think her actions is an affair either emotional or physical. My problem is whether it was a rape or if it was an affair, as that will decide if I give her another chance or not.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

If you have to ask.. then it is.

But if you are unsure, let me help you out, brother...

When she is home... Pick up the thing with numbers on it.. We will call this a phone.

press the "9" followed by two "1's"

Some men will arrive, dressed in uniforms... they are police. Have her fill out a rape report.

See how that plays out... 

You should have your answer immediately.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

New_Ace said:


> At some point she told him she was married but considering a divorce, something she did not even mention to me at all, and they exchanged phone numbers. I later found out after the fact that she looked up how to have an affair and how to create an alias on the internet. She created a facebook account under a different name and had an online thing with him, where she told him we were already separated and in the final stages of divorce. They arranged times to meet always at the country dancing though. She was sick one afternoon while I was at work and called him and asked him to come over and bring her medicine which he did. Our son was napping in the other room and she says she just expected him to leave but instead they snuggled together on the couch. She says she sat down and he sat next to her and snuggled up against her,


This is clearly an emotional affair and she stepped out of bounds of your marriage assuming you have a traditional, monogamous marriage.


New_Ace said:


> then when she asked him to leave he pushed her down on the couch and raped her. The following day she went to his house and told him she never wanted to see him again.


This strikes me as 'odd' in that if I were raped, the last thing I would do is confront my 'rapist' to 'break up' with him.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

twotimeloser said:


> If you have to ask.. then it is.


Funny you said that...

Ive come to a point where I don't even open these threads before I answer the question in my head...

I saw "was it cheating?"

I said "yep"

then I opened the thread.

As with 100% of the other threads, it is/was...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Tell her you are going to call the police for her and press charges on the rapist.


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## New_Ace (Mar 10, 2011)

The issue with calling the police is that I didn't find out until a week after it happened, any evidence has been washed away by now.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

I just had a realization answered twice so far on this thread. Yea, if you have to ask if he/she cheated, they did. It's just that simple. I can't wait until my wife confesses. I'm going to make it my life purpose to make her regret every second of it. ****ing ****.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Oh yea, and who in the **** would visit their rapist's door and confront them? Lol, and I thought I was blind, sheww. You're more indenial than I was, ****. This is what your wife was thinking at the time she confessed...

My husband's gullible so let me think of a lie.

He raped me!

I went to my rapist's house and said stay away!

Lol, end it, bro. Clearly cheating. 

Here's my story..

My wife booked 1 hotel for 2 adults 10 hours out of my home state without telling me about it and lied! I was in denial too, I love her too much to think otherwise. Give it some time and you'll realize it too.


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## ktilash (May 27, 2010)

I wouldn't focus on the rape (if it was that). She in the LEAST was considering an affair and this was an EA. You have problems to work on.

Creating a facebook account and hiding it was out of lines.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Rape victims do odd things. I wouldn't discount her story simply because of her actions. Being raped by a stranger and being raped by someone you trust are two very different monsters. 

I do think it's wise to let her know that you will be going down to the station to file a police report. At this point she may argue and say that she doesn't want you to (for whatever reason), but you need to insist that you're doing it for her protection. Forget about the lack of evidence, just get it on the record. Let her know that you'll try to get a restraining order on him as well. PLEASE do this in the most loving way you can. 

Either she'll let you know it was consensual or she'll not say a word. If she says it was a PA, obviously you wouldn't file. If she doesn't, file! 

Now, she certainly did cheat on you. There's no question. I think you need to deal with the rape accusations first.


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## Talias (Dec 22, 2010)

twotimeloser said:


> If you have to ask.. then it is.
> 
> But if you are unsure, let me help you out, brother...
> 
> ...


:lol::iagree:


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

The 13th_Floor said:


> I can't wait until my wife confesses. I'm going to make it my life purpose to make her regret every second of it. ****ing ****.


13, buddy: I know you are speaking out of hurt and anger, so I just want to remind you that you are better than this. You are a better man and a better person than someone who who is vindictive. She is a cheater, she is weak, don't you be weak and lower yourself to trying to feel good by making someone else feel bad. You be strong, you be the one who maintains dignity. She will be left in the dust, having lost a great guy who goes on to live a happy, productive, honorable life without the cheater. That is "revenge" or "punishment" enough. I read your thread and your background, so I think I know you have the better angels in you. 

As for your insisting that she admit to the cheating, I get that...you can do that just by always assuming the cheating in your communications with her, and if she denies, just gently telling her that the truth will be a good start for her own recovery. You keep the dignity and maintain the high ground here my friend.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

New_Ace said:


> The issue with calling the police is that I didn't find out until a week after it happened, any evidence has been washed away by now.


U think that's the issue ?!?!?!?!?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

One thing you didn't mention is...did she ever say "no" or "stop"?

Sure he could have pushed her down and "raped" her. But if there's no protest...it ain't rape.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Voiceofreason said:


> 13, buddy: I know you are speaking out of hurt and anger, so I just want to remind you that you are better than this. You are a better man and a better person than someone who who is vindictive. She is a cheater, she is weak, don't you be weak and lower yourself to trying to feel good by making someone else feel bad. You be strong, you be the one who maintains dignity. She will be left in the dust, having lost a great guy who goes on to live a happy, productive, honorable life without the cheater. That is "revenge" or "punishment" enough. I read your thread and your background, so I think I know you have the better angels in you.
> 
> As for your insisting that she admit to the cheating, I get that...you can do that just by always assuming the cheating in your communications with her, and if she denies, just gently telling her that the truth will be a good start for her own recovery. You keep the dignity and maintain the high ground here my friend.


I know, you're right. I had a couple beers again tonight, it's Friday. I would never hurt nor belittle her in person. I still get fireworks when I stare at her. We'll see what happens...


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

New_Ace said:


> The issue with calling the police is that I didn't find out until a week after it happened, any evidence has been washed away by now.


Wow... You are her attorney now? Stop Making Excuses.

Get MAD. jesus dude. this chick had someone elses ...... in her. You are making excuses for her.. why?

Call the cops.. She knows the guy, Have her call him out... If she is lying, at least he will testify that she screwed him with a smile.. in court. 

Bottom line is this.... if you thought she was raped, you would be super protective. You would be calling the cops, tracking him down and knocking down his door with John Walsh in one arm, 12 Gauge shot gun in the other. BUT YOU ARE NOT... are you?

No... you are here.. pretending like your wife didnt put her lips on another man... pretending like there is a possibility that she didnt betray you. 

Call the Cops, or leave the girl. Force her into the corner she made. Fight or Flight brother. Be Hurt, Be sad, Be angry... Just dont be an idiot. - TIme to man up, let the other ball drop.. and confront dear wifey.


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> Wow... You are her attorney now? Stop Making Excuses.
> 
> Get MAD. jesus dude. this chick had someone elses ...... in her. You are making excuses for her.. why?
> 
> ...


Harsh advice...and every word of it absolutely correct. For some reason, my first reaction to this advice was--as a guy--to sympathize with the guy unjustly accused of rape by your wife. But then I remembered that he just blanked your wife and your marriage...in your family home...blank him. False accusations of rape are a substantial risk of such behavior. 

But the reality is that she was not raped. The affair webpage search, secret facebook, "I'm separated and almost divorced" statement, his email, him at your house, her admitting sex, his email to her, her looney story--my friend, denial is not a river in Africa--if you think there is any question about whether your wife had an affair, denial is the state you are living in. 

But you still need to follow through and do what is necessary to get her to admit the affair, so you can have the necessary high ground with family and friends, the court (if you go there) or with her in any reconciliation attepts (if you go there). She did cheat on you, so you need to act accordingly.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Voiceofreason said:


> my friend, denial is not a river in Africa--


:smthumbup:I would like to take this opportunity to officially let all board members know that i am effectively stealing this phrase and intend on using it every chance i get.:lol:


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The reason you call the police and get her to press charges is to topple over her crock of crap story.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Let's look at this another way........ So, it's possibly a DATE rape and she is a married woman. Therein lies the problem. She's cheating anyway you look at this one.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

my first instinct would be to say no, it wasn't rape, but I haven't ever been raped, so I don't know the mindset. I pray for her sake she wasn't, because I can only imagine the horror she is going through, but if she wasn't, then she needs to make things right, and stop lying.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think it relieve some of the guilt that she was foreced. But she was inviting this guy over and it went south. I'm thinking 1/2 of her wanted it the other 1/2 didn't.

How many times have we heard this "I didn't mean it to happen" or " I don't know it just happened"

I don't know your wife but her flirting got her date raped and she was not that up set about it to call for help or call 911.

She's BSing you and BSing her self. She wanted this exciting affair but fond out the guy was an pushy [email protected]@ hole. 

I'm quessing she was hoping for some taboo romance and it got ugly. Hell she may still be in contact with her badboy boytoy.

Its just odd that the cop were involved and the hopital was involved. I would think that she would have been beat up pretty bad. I do understand she would have submitted to her rapest out of self preservation so its just really hard to say. I'm sure the Om is thinking he can do what he wants b/c she won't tell anyone b/c a married women invited him over and she would be affriad to say any thing.

Bottom line she wanted him over and he took advandage of her circumstance.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

big difference between rape and buyer's remorse.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> big difference between rape and buyer's remorse.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

From the way this all sounds, she may have said "no" to the guy but she was probably saying "yes" in the process. If she even did say no to him, she was probably only saying it because it was in your home, on your couch, while your child was home, so probably out of fear of being caught. 

Based off all that I'm sure she might have been what some women are referred to as a "d!ck/c0ck tease", and led the guy on, then said no lets wait to do it somewhere else so that there's little to no chance of being caught, and the guy probably said no I don't want to wait lets just do it now.

I could be completely wrong. I've just seen similar situations like this happen before and her actions kind of support my theory. Plus, having him come over to YOUR house while YOU were at work kinda shows that the intentions of something physical were there even if it was only a thought in her head for a minute.

I'm going to go with the whole she may have said no, but she was saying yes in the process...

Also what I find to be weird is that a high percentage of women fantasize about a rape senario. Not that they literally want to be brutially raped or anything, just that there's something about it that turns them on. This is ALL based solely on the research I have done trying to figure out what turns the majority of women on so I could try to spice up my own sex life with my wife. When I read about that in a bunch of articles I was kind of dumb founded to say the least...

Some women fantasize so much about the possible "rape senario" that they have put themselves in the same kind of situation that your wife was in. I would do as everyone else has said and get the police involved. The truth will come out pretty quick and if she isn't lying, she needs to be protected and he needs to be punished so that this cannot happen to another woman.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Call the police, call the DA, have them get in touch with her about legal options, and a good measure about the consequences of falsifying sexual assault claims. Then get a bunch of pamphlets about coping with being raped, complete with a list of therapists, and ask her which one sounds best, that you'll set up an appointment for her tomorrow.

Then watch the incredible meltdown conniption. 

She only said she was raped to hide the fact that she WANTED it from the OM-sorta like the kid who can't resist throwing rocks, despite repeated warnings not to, breaks a window, and his explanation is: "My friends MADE me do it!"


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