# "I don't know," "I don't remember."



## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

Am I the only one tired of hearing this crap from the cheating spouse? He says I bring up old stuff but it's bc it's never been solved, not at home and not at therapy, at therapy he always said the same thing! So after 19m of Ther. I said that's it. Stop wasting my time. He went 1x p/wk for himself,and 1x for marr.counseling. 

Whenever I ask to see statements to make sure that before I discovered the last 'big event' that he wasn't messing around..he refuses. He says, I should just concentrate on all the good things he's done since then...? WTH? 

The last big event= lied about staying late at work, went to strip club, spent $6k, emptied the account, searched on craiglist for prostitutes, called one, the strip club called the cops bcuz he was so drunk, he was taken to hospital and p/u by his family. I did the research myself and found everything out. This was NOT the first time he did something similar, just not as bad, so yes..it has gotten progressively worse.

Am I wrong to ask for answers, since this last event occured in 2011? I dont think so, bc I had just lost a baby at the time, he swears this will never happen again, which I have heard before. He nor the therapist can explain to me where this guarantee is? If he 'doesnt know' why..then how do we know how to see it coming...or how to prevent it? that is my logic.

Am I nuts?
After years of putting up with similar crap, I just want to know why, and since he never remembers what is convenient for him, I want to see more banking statements, and he says...No.

When I say selective I mean, he remembers 'texting me' the lie, but doesnt remember that he was in the vip room of a strip club at the time....Isn't that just the most convient amnesia anyone has ever heard of??

Am I wrong to want to seek proof and evidence, I cant bring a child into this world, I tried, and he walked all over me. Therefore I can easily go back to being single and returning my life to what it was before he came along.

I just want to know, if Im being crazy and a nag, or if I am the only one with common sense in this 'soap opera' like story??


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

You are not crazy or nag but have just lost your faith over him while at the same time you still want to be with him;;;;

Give yourself time and see that you grow into a healthy person;rather go for individual counselling;;;;;;;do not beat yourself up for not being able to trust;;;

You Husbands unhelpful response in in no way conducive to you getting your trust back;;;if he loved you then hi should be like an open book and patient with you;;;He is not-its a fact;;;;and you cannot control him-another fact;;;
But you can control your life-major fact;;;;Turn your energy toward yourself;;;;Life is just about finding happiness and if any elation tends to break us and makes us feel our worst,the I suggest we are better off without that;;;;Hence I suggest take no ****;;;;
That MC councellor is human too;;;So not necessarily he/she is right;;You ahve to understand whats best for you and take charge;;;;

Do not let your self fall victim;;;;And it would be good if you start a healthy life returning to your life when you were single;;
TC,Hugs.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Lies


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

His behavior is typical. The therapist you are seeing as a couple really isn't helping either. It sounds a lot like the one we saw. My estranged husband and the counselor about had me whipped. The therapist was simply enabling my husband's bad behavior. Skip all of that bologna, and find yourself a good individual therapist.

Unless your husband answers all of your questions and becomes an open book with EVERYTHING, there's no way you can rebuild trust in him. Trust is a requirement for a good, solid marriage. He doesn't even seem the least bit remorseful. I find that particularly troubling.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Don't ever have children with this man. Think about your situation and difficulties, times that by 30. Times 30 how rubbish you feel right now, how betrayed, how upset by his lies etc. That will give you some idea, slightly, of how awful you will feel once children, yours and his, come into the frame.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

You're not wrong at all, Thats like him admitting that he got away with it because so much time has passed so you should forget about it. I say bull****, if there are things to be answered there shouldnt be any Statute of Limitations.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

He doesn't have to remember because he isn't facing any consequences that are worse than just irritating you. You can choose to draw a line that should be perfectly normal, like full transparency, full disclosure, even a little beyond normal like access to GPS on his phone even, but there has to be swift, severe consequences if he refuses to comply. Like divorce.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

6grand spent in a strip club? And they threw him out for being hammered? That's some place.


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## shattered32 (Nov 19, 2012)

if i was him , it would definitely be convenient to not remember.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

827Aug said:


> ...The therapist you are seeing as a couple really isn't helping either. It sounds a lot like the one we saw. My estranged husband and the counselor about had me whipped. The therapist was simply enabling my husband's bad behavior. Skip all of that bologna, and find yourself a good individual therapist.


You know, there are a LOT of MCs that are terrible. My wife and I have seen 2 MCs (about to start another if she goes for IC).

The first was a slight enabler during the MCs. He gave me a private session and told me she was really too unstable for this to be effective - so in MC, he allowed her to take more control. He was trying the best he could under the circumstances. However, my wife sensed that he knew her game - so she made us stop going to him.

The other counselor my wife fully rolled over - just dominated this poor woman. Whenever the counselor tried to point out anything that my wife needed to work on, my wife would turn it into "everyone's ganging up on me <open fake crygates>, what about when he did XYZ <100% unrelated matter>". The counselor would be visibily shaken at times during the sessions. The path of least resistance = just spend time on the trival stuff I needed to focus on instead of the wife's elephants. 


Wayward spouses always try to make the counselors into, not a judge (no, because judges are fair), but into a jury that they can argue into an innocent verdict on their behavior. Case dismissed.

Wish me luck on #3.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

ItsGonnabeAlright said:


> Therefore I can easily go back to being single and returning my life to what it was before he came along.


Why don't you do this? Your H has treated you with no respect and continues to disrespect you. Why don't you just go and have a healthier life?

(This is a real question.)


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> The path of least resistance = just spend time on the trival stuff I needed to focus on instead of the wife's elephants.


Alot of this crap went on in my sessions too. We would spend 3 sessions discussing a vacation she suggested we go on. Then we would discuss our weekend plans, eating habits, random finances, but of course no talking about the finances he blew through, etc. I could not keep wasting time and just stopped. I am going to find a good psychologist for myself this week.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Why don't you do this? Your H has treated you with no respect and continues to disrespect you. Why don't you just go and have a healthier life?
> 
> (This is a real question.)


I am at a point where I really have no other option than to do this. Everything has failed. I miss being independent and in peace. I am also glad that I don't believe everyone is as screwed up as him. I will not be leaving this marriage hating all men. At the rate we are going, if I were to remain in this marriage, I will never get rid of my panic attacks, chronic headaches, fatigue, etc. This all started once I began to put up with his stuff. He is just fine, doesn't even show remorse.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

It is not just waywards who do this.

My wife, whom I love to death, frequently plays the 'I don't remember' card about really crappy things she's said to me in the past. 

I find it incredibly convienient and have called her on it. But her selective memory stays in place.

Somehow, MY wrongs just never seem to get misplaced.

Curious that.


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