# I cheated on my husband but terrified to tell him



## EmmaSAnon1 (Jul 2, 2017)

I don't even know how to start with this but I'll try. A few months ago I cheated on my husband with a girl. I say girl instead of woman because she was quite young, a lot younger than me. She was legally able to consent in my country so even though I am in the clear within the law, what I did would probably be viewed as immoral by most of western civilization. I view it as immoral myself and before I did it I would have thought that any adult who slept with someone so young would be a disgusting predator.

I don't know if I want to completely explain my relationship with this girl before the incident and how I knew her. It's disgusting, embarrassing, and I don't think that's too important but she happened to be there for me on one of my hardest nights. My husband hadn't been home for a week for work and he wouldn't be back for another two. My father passed away and my husband wouldn't come home early. My children were more to handle than usual, work was very stressful and she was there. She babysat my kids free of charge, helped me remember things if I got too stressed out, would keep me company if she thought I was lonely. She was perfect, and beautiful, and she listened to me. 

One night was especially difficult. I couldn't stop thinking about my father and how lonely and upset I was. I got back home from work and I cried in my car for a bit before walking into my house. When the girl saw me she could see that I was crying and she looked so worried. She hugged me and we sat down with drinks (no alcohol for her). The kids were asleep so we just talked and I poured all of my problems on her. The way she just seemed so worried for me and how much she cared made me feel so happy and loved. I was a bit tipsy but I knew what I was doing. She was so pretty looking up at me with that smile on her face. Her hand was rested on my leg and she kept edging closer to me. I knew she was gay and I could see in her eyes what she wanted so I kissed her and one thing led to another. When we were done I felt vile. She wasn't just some stranger, I knew this person. I had a relationship with her that made this scenario ten times more disgusting than if were a random teenager.

I feel guilty every day for what I did and my husband isn't a bad man. It's not like he didn't want to come home for me. We were having some financial difficulties and he had to continue working even though he wanted to come home. When he came back from work he was really supportive and sweet and I felt sick. How could I do that to him? I have to tell him what I did but my entire life will crumble. He knows I'm bisexual, my sexuality would not shock him but cheating is cheating and I don't even think the cheating part will be the worst of it. 

There is a slight chance that he would want to work through this if the person I cheated on was different, someone he didn't know, someone who wasn't so young. I know him and if I tell him who it was I cheated on he won't only see me as disloyal but as a predator or even a pedophile. The girl was NOT young enough for me to be that but the word would definitely get thrown around. She is the neighborhood kid who walks people's dogs, babysits their kids and shovels their drive ways. Everyone in this neighborhood loves her and would be very protective over her. I don't blame the girl, it's all my fault. He will tell people, and word will spread. I wouldn't blame him but this is a pretty big deal. I wouldn't be surprised if I lost my job over it.

The worst part of this whole thing is that even though I regret what I did and I am aware that it was immoral and disgusting, I still think about her. She's attractive and bright, and I think about her in a few years and if it would work in the future. It's like this annoying little thought that pops up in my head sometimes but I know it wouldn't work. I know I'd be better with my husband, and our children together. I'm conflicted on whether or not I should tell him. What he doesn't know can't hurt him but I don't know if I can hold onto this guilt forever. I feel like, whatever decision I make will be a selfish one. If any of you were in my position would you tell the truth? Be honest. I'm thinking about seeing a therapist over this but I don't want to if I don't have to. I'm getting quite desperate ,which is why I'm here.

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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

EmmaSAnon1 said:


> I don't even know how to start with this but I'll try. A few months ago I cheated on my husband with a girl. I say girl instead of woman because she was quite young, a lot younger than me. She was legally able to consent in my country so even though I am in the clear within the law, what I did would probably be viewed as immoral by most of western civilization. I view it as immoral myself and before I did it I would have thought that any adult who slept with someone so young would be a disgusting predator.
> 
> I don't know if I want to completely explain my relationship with this girl before the incident and how I knew her. It's disgusting, embarrassing, and I don't think that's too important but she happened to be there for me on one of my hardest nights. My husband hadn't been home for a week for work and he wouldn't be back for another two. My father passed away and my husband wouldn't come home early. My children were more to handle than usual, work was very stressful and she was there. She babysat my kids free of charge, helped me remember things if I got too stressed out, would keep me company if she thought I was lonely. She was perfect, and beautiful, and she listened to me.
> 
> ...


I would definitely see a therapist to talk this over. I honestly don't know what I would do if I was in a similar situation. If you don't say anything, how likely is it that the girl will keep pursuing you and that it will get out anyway? If you reject her will she take it badly and accuse you? If you think either of thoses things might happen I would suggest telling your husband so he knows your story first. Maybe take him to the therapist too and tell him there.


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## Kerf (Apr 22, 2017)

EmmaSAnon1 said:


> The worst part of this whole thing is that even though I regret what I did and I am aware that it was immoral and disgusting, *I still think about her. She's attractive and bright, and I think about her in a few years and if it would work in the future.* It's like this annoying little thought that pops up in my head sometimes but I know it wouldn't work. I know I'd be better with my husband, and our children together. I'm conflicted on whether or not I should tell him. *What he doesn't know can't hurt him* but I don't know if I can hold onto this guilt forever. I feel like, whatever decision I make will be a selfish one. If any of you were in my position would you tell the truth? Be honest. I'm thinking about seeing a therapist over this but I don't want to if I don't have to. I'm getting quite desperate ,which is why I'm here.
> 
> Sent from my SM-J320W8 using Tapatalk


But it will.Especially since you can't help yourself but still daydream about this girl and the what if scenarios.


One of the biggest issues in marriages and relationships, is poor communication, or lack of it.Keeping things deep inside, putting out emotional walls.This will only put distance between the two of you and lead you to resent each-other.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are two beliefs about this. 

One is that you should never tell and make it up to your husband by being the best spouse you can be going forward. Those who support this point of view generally say that you would be telling him to relieve yourself of the guilt. And that tell him does nothing but hurt him more than can be imagined.

The other point of view is that radical honesty is important in marriage. So you have to tell him. He will most likely divorce you, tell everyone, etc.

Most of the people who post on this forum will tell you that you must tell him.

Can you get into counseling and deal with it there first so that you can decide what you are going to do?


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Dear Penthouse....


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## OZZP (Jun 28, 2017)

Tell him.


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

If you are still thinking about this girl...you are still cheating. Cheating isn't just a physical act.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

You are still in the "fog" about her. You can't fix you without completely and permanently getting her out of your life. Now. Forever. 

If you don't take this first step, don't post here. 

Until you do, the Folks here can't help. If you let them, they will.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Hello dear one. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. As a bisexual former wayward wife myself, I can very much empathize with your suffering and pain. Unfortunately, I think you may already know somewhere within you that you have to tell him. if you didn't, there would be no internal do-I-tell-him debate at all; you'd just be resolved never to tell him and you'd feel at peace about the whole thing.

Once you tell him, prepare to watch him either blow up or go cold on you. Answer every question with the absolute truth, no matter how embarrassing or personal his probing gets. If he doesn't ask questions, explain yourself. Explain your feelings for your paramour, past and present. Explain how they are similar and different, explain why and in what ways you're attracted to her, explain what you did together in detail. If he won't let you get a word in, write it down and give it to him later.

Obviously, though, if what you did could even possibly be considered a crime in the eyes of the law, my advice changes completely. Tell no one, take it to your grave and DO NOT write it down anywhere. Clear your internet history and always use a VPN whenever you go online. Since your lover consented, there's no reason for you to needlessly risk prosecution. I began dating my then-25-year-old husband when I was 15, and with the exception of my parents who knew and gave me their blessing, I had to do this until I turned 16. If you do tell your husband or are otherwise discovered, and there's any chance of your liaison being a legal grey area, I would get a lawyer.

Whatever you do, in either case, please for the love of all that is holy, take care of yourself.Put your own oxygen mask on first. Take plenty of time to decompress, rest, relax, unwind. Practice self-care. Eat and sleep as well and as regularly as you can possibly manage. Invest time and money in your well-being. If you can afford it, spa trips are excellent to this end. You are not a monster. You are not a bad person. You are a wonderful, worthy human being who happened to do something morally wrong and possibly break someone's heart.

I truly feel for you. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best of luck. I wish you peace, as well.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

I agree with many of the others that you would benefit from counseling to help get through this troubling time. 

However, before deciding on a final course of action, maybe it is noteworthy to consider this from the perspective of the young woman you were with. From the description in your post, it was unclear whether you come from a culture inside of outside of western culture. Do you live in a society unlikely to support a LGBT individual or their lifestyle? Maybe she gravitated towards you because you may have been the only person she felt could trust to be an outlet to be herself in this way. I am not suggesting that this turn into a fairytale relationship. But I am suggesting that you because you are the "adult" between the two of you that you allow her some closure to the event. If at all possible, talk with her and explain what happened between the two of you was wrong and cannot happen again. Not because of her being gay, but because that you are married and feel guilty about cheating on your husband. Just be honest with her and listen in return. It might even help you to hear what she has to say about what happened. 


(For what it's worth, I'm typically an "honesty is the best policy" type of person. However, because you are not the only person who could potentially be impacted, I would not tell your husband about this. At least, not right away...)


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## EmmaSAnon1 (Jul 2, 2017)

Edo Edo said:


> I agree with many of the others that you would benefit from counseling to help get through this troubling time.
> 
> However, before deciding on a final course of action, maybe it is noteworthy to consider this from the perspective of the young woman you were with. From the description in your post, it was unclear whether you come from a culture inside of outside of western culture. Do you live in a society unlikely to support a LGBT individual or their lifestyle? Maybe she gravitated towards you because you may have been the only person she felt could trust to be an outlet to be herself in this way. I am not suggesting that this turn into a fairytale relationship. But I am suggesting that you because you are the "adult" between the two of you that you allow her some closure to the event. If at all possible, talk with her and explain what happened between the two of you was wrong and cannot happen again. Not because of her being gay, but because that you are married and feel guilty about cheating on your husband. Just be honest with her and listen in return. It might even help you to hear what she has to say about what happened.
> 
> ...


We live in a very accepting western country and she is open about her sexuality but I should definitely have another talk with her. I did have a short chat with her after the incident but we should sit down and really talk about what happened. I don't know how deep her feelings are and I need to think about her when making these decisions too. I am very much leaning towards seeing a therapist before making a final decision. Thank you.

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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I wouldn't tell him.... But if your thinking that you really need to let him know, talk with a therapist first as they could help sort it out.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

For what it is worth, i am at the early stages of a separation instigated by my wife, please do not consider throwing in the towel for this fantasy life that you already admitted to will not work, do not tell your husband, the pain is better suppressed by you, on balance it is always better to stay quiet but to learn from this episode and move forward together as this is best for the family unit and everyone's sanity. 
Love and peace always


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Do not tell him. It will rock his world in a bad way and he will not think better of you for telling him. Most tell to get rid of the guilt by a selfish act of dumping it on their husbands who now has am emotional meltdown. If you are truly sorry, just resolve never to do it again. As far as your husband is concerned he does not need to know. There is no upside to telling him, only a downside. Do not ruin his life. Just do not cheat again. My wife used to say what the eyes do not see the heart cannot feel. The same applies to ears. You will destroy your husband. 

It takes a very long time to regain trust and if you tell him he will be suspicious of everything you do and you will end up resenting being accused of things you did not do. Your marriage will never be the same even after trust is regained. Keep quiet and it never happened and your marriage goes on as before.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Edo Edo said:


> I agree with many of the others that you would benefit from counseling to help get through this troubling time.
> 
> However, before deciding on a final course of action, maybe it is noteworthy to consider this from the perspective of the young woman you were with. From the description in your post, it was unclear whether you come from a culture inside of outside of western culture. Do you live in a society unlikely to support a LGBT individual or their lifestyle? Maybe she gravitated towards you because you may have been the only person she felt could trust to be an outlet to be herself in this way. I am not suggesting that this turn into a fairytale relationship. But I am suggesting that you because you are the "adult" between the two of you that you allow her some closure to the event. If at all possible, talk with her and explain what happened between the two of you was wrong and cannot happen again. Not because of her being gay, but because that you are married and feel guilty about cheating on your husband. Just be honest with her and listen in return. It might even help you to hear what she has to say about what happened.
> 
> ...


Protecting an AP is not a valid reason to withhold the truth. Just because the post is coming from the wayward rather than the betrayed doesn't mean exposure isn't appropriate. 

I understand the AP is young but the OP did say she was of legal age to consent, which means old enough to be responsible for the consequences of her actions.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

If you tell him you may have a chance of reconciliation, if you keep it hidden from him and he finds out ( and he likely will, considering your AP is a teenager) on his own your chances are far slimmer or non existent for reconciliation. You will not only have betrayed him but lied about it as well, which often cuts deeper than the infidelity. Choose your poison.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

If you don't tell your husband, he might still find out from the girl you were with. Which would be way worse than you confessing.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

This user was shut down on another site with this same story.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Protecting an AP is not a valid reason to withhold the truth. Just because the post is coming from the wayward rather than the betrayed doesn't mean exposure isn't appropriate.
> 
> I understand the AP is young but the OP did say she was of legal age to consent, which means old enough to be responsible for the consequences of her actions.


So your are defending a grown woman having sex with a 12 to 16 year old.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You better stop talking to her. There is really no happy ending for you here, but there could be worse endings. If her parents find out and you are outed your world is going to blow up badly. Your husband may cover for you, may have some sympathy before that. Her parents won't. Besides all that, you know what it is to be a adolescent girl. Now she is having a relationship with married women who she babysits for. She ain't going to keep it secret for long especially if this goes from one mistaken night to a full blown affair. 

Lady you need to get some help, you are about to destroy your whole life, your husband's, and God forbid you children's. When you kill someone with your car, you can either drive away and try to hide it, or you can pull over and take your medicine. You are at that point right now. You can trust that a just barely prepubescent girl (as you describe her, very gross by the way, very gross) is going to treat this very inappropriate relationship like an adult or you can start acting like the one in it and deal with your consequences. At the very least stop talking to her. 

So she is beautiful so what, you are no different then a man who does this. It's inappropriate because you at least theoretically have more adult thinking then her. You are stealing her innocence from her because you have mental issues. BESIDES ALL THAT YOU'RE MARRIED. You can't always have what you want! Maybe it's not illegal where you come from but it is immoral. 

You are not star cross lovers, you are a broken women who made a very poor choice that you HOPE is out of character (it is only out of character if you do it once ever, not if you continue to talk to her), and she is a kid who had a broken adult take some interest in her! Stop it now before you destroy anything you have left. 

These posts are too sad.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Here's my advice. Take a sheet of paper and make two columns. On the left column, write down the reasons not to tell him. On the right column, write down the reasons to tell him. Study the column with the most reasons. Choose the left column. Oh ya, destroy the paper.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Your husband deserves the truth so he can make an informed decision about what is best for him. Your silence is you making that decision for him and that is just wrong. 

Your continued thinking about this young woman makes it clear that, given the opportunity, you might do the same thing again.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Your biggest consideration should be what happens to the child by telling or not telling 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm closing this thread pending some verification.


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