# Relationship Access To Texts/Social Media/Cell Phone



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Been a while since I saw this topic on TAM, so thought it would be good to start a fresh thread. 

Do you think that as soon as you enter into a relationship with someone else, this entitles you to free access of all their social media accounts (i.e. cell phone, texts, Facebook, email, password sharing, etc...)? This topic came up today on a radio station I was listening to, and there seemed to be mixed responses. The callers who felt that they are entitled to free access took the viewpoint that you should have no problems giving free access if you have nothing to hide. Others stated that unless this was due to a special circumstance, then no, you shouldn't have free access. I recall a while back a poster here commented that they viewed social media access like maintenance on a car. In the same way you periodically do maintenance on a car to make sure all is in good working order, you should periodically go through each person's accounts for relationship maintenance. 

I prefer to take the stance that unless there is a specific reason (i.e. some form of infidelity) you aren't entitled to free access. Now that being said, I don't hide any passwords from my W (i.e. she can just hop on my computer at any time and access my accounts). I would be annoyed if she decided to go through my accounts without asking me first (I have nothing to hide aside from an extensive midget porn collection :surprise: ). If she asked me first and explained exactly why she needed to access, I would be happy to oblige.

I actually have one friend where his W would insist she needs to use his phone to look something up on the internet, when hers is right next to her... She would grill him about why he had a password on his phone and his answer about it due to accessing his work email wasn't good enough. He used the fingerprint option, turns out when he was asleep she would take his thumb to access the phone lol.

So, what is your stance TAMers???

EDIT - assuming you believe you should have access, is there a certain point in a relationship where the access should begin (i.e. should it be while dating, when you decide to go exclusive, only when you get married, etc...)?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


> He used the fingerprint option, turns out when he was asleep she would take his thumb to access the phone lol.
> 
> So, what is your stance TAMers???


My stance is not wide when using public bathrooms at Airports.

He needs to use his penis to unlock his phone. It too, has a unique pattern on the head.

This will be beneficial to him. Sex will be continuous. He still gets her fingers on his peter even when she is mad...and cuts him off.

Oooh, that does not sound good, after all!


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

When you say enter into a relationship, are we talking just dating? I'm nowhere near ready to date again, but you can be sure he won't have access to anything of mine. No, I have nothing to hide, but that's my business. I also don't give my SS# or the kids' SS# to doctors, etc. Nor, do I give out my phone number or emails to stores that ask. I guess I value my privacy. While married (except the last few years), ex knew my login information. Though, he did gain access of my devices via remote access. I guess he was trying to dig up bad information since he knew I was done. He never did find anything because there was nothing to find...except my escape plan. I have no doubt he was in my bank account and credit cards, too. Sorry for the ramble.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

prunus said:


> *When you say enter into a relationship, are we talking just dating? * I'm nowhere near ready to date again, but you can be sure he won't have access to anything of mine. No, I have nothing to hide, but that's my business. I also don't give my SS# or the kids' SS# to doctors, etc. Nor, do I give out my phone number or emails to stores that ask. I guess I value my privacy. While married (except the last few years), ex knew my login information. Though, he did gain access of my devices via remote access. I guess he was trying to dig up bad information since he knew I was done. He never did find anything because there was nothing to find...except my escape plan. I have no doubt he was in my bank account and credit cards, too. Sorry for the ramble.


Good question, and honestly, I imagine everyone will have a different interpretation of when in a relationship it would be considered appropriate. I will add this question to my OP, thanks for the feedback


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> My stance is not wide when using public bathrooms at Airports.
> 
> He needs to use his penis to unlock his phone. It too, has a unique pattern on the head.
> 
> ...


Hmmm ... log in with a penis scanner ... what would the female equivalent be???


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Ok, you never fail to make me giggle. Today, you're on a roll. Did you get laid last night? I almost answered "Yes, but only if it gets me laid", just for ****s and giggles but I didn't. I answered "It depends. . . .". 

Straight into a relationship, I would say Its none of your business. But once you've agreed to be exclusive then I think transparency is good. However, certain people just take it way too far. Maybe I'm just a private person. I haven't nothing to hide (except maybe TAM), but I would feel violated if my husband went through my phone, pc, kindle, etc. It just bothers me.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Ok, you never fail to make me giggle. Today, you're on a roll. Did you get laid last night? I almost answered "Yes, but only if it gets me laid", just for ****s and giggles but I didn't. I answered "It depends. . . .".
> 
> Straight into a relationship, I would say Its none of your business. But once you've agreed to be exclusive then I think transparency is good. However, certain people just take it way too far. Maybe I'm just a private person. I haven't nothing to hide (except maybe TAM), but I would feel violated if my husband went through my phone, pc, kindle, etc. It just bothers me.


To answer your first question, no such luck last night... However, yesterday morning, pretty much doubled my output for 2017 lol ... :grin2:










I agree with you, so the question for you, if your H asked you if he could access and explained why, would you feel better about? I think with me, doing so behind my back is what I would have an issue with (i.e. feel violated).


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think that if the question needs to be raised, there's a need for total access. If one partner is feeling insecure for WHATEVER reason, then the other should be more than willing to give them unhindered access to help them out. Or, if it's more convenient for a couple to share devices then they should share the passwords. If I was on a first date and they grabbed my phone and asked for the password, there'd be no second date that's for sure - I don't think it starts when you first meet someone. But there comes a point where it IS appropriate. What that point is will differ - for me it would probably be when I am comfortable enough and think enough of someone to have sex with them.

A relationship should be based on mutual things. I have trust issues. If for whatever reason I was thinking of getting into a third marriage, one thing that would be a dealbreaker for me would be whether he was willing to share his passwords and such things. If he doesn't want to help me out in that way, I don't want to be in a relationship with him. And not only share them, but do so without reservation. Ideally, he'd VOLUNTEER them. To me, that shows respect for me and a desire to assuage my feelings.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Did you get laid last night? I almost answered "Yes, but only if it gets me laid"


No, and I did.

I only ever dated pre-internet, and want to keep it that way. Forget about exchanging passwords, I hear that even the timing of when to become Facebook friends can be fraught with drama.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I actually think the way people treat their cell phones says a lot about them and their relationship potential.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Really none of the above for me. I don't take any care to secure my social media data, and sometimes leave accounts logged in, but at the same time I don't specifically give my wife passwords unless there is a reason she needs access. Same for her.

If I wanted to hide something, it wouldn't be on social media. I do have some fairly secure access that I use for example to access TAM.

We both have work email accounts that we are not allowed to share.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

CharlieParker said:


> No, and I did.
> 
> I only ever dated pre-internet, and want to keep it that way. Forget about exchanging passwords, I hear that even the timing of when to become Facebook friends can be fraught with drama.


Post-Internet dating sounds scary to me lol. I guess the one big plus, you can just break up with someone by changing your Facebook status to Single!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Hope1964 said:


> I actually think the way people treat their cell phones says a lot about them and their relationship potential.


So how about the person who needs to trade in their phone every year for the latest/greatest model??? :grin2:


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

@EllisRedding 

Yes, if he asked & explained why, then I'd be fine with that. 

However, if he asked & then proceeded to give an explanation that questioned my loyalty to him, I'd be hurt. And then, I'd have to wonder if he was projecting (thanks to TAM, a little paranoia). 

If he did it behind my back, I'd be livid.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I have nothing to hide, but I still have curtains in my windows.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> I have nothing to hide, but I still have curtains in my windows.


All I ask is that the curtains match the drapes ...


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> @EllisRedding
> 
> Yes, if he asked & explained why, then I'd be fine with that.
> 
> ...


I hear ya on the TAM paranoia, got hit with a bit of it as well at times!

My W and I have never done anything to bring into question our loyalty to each other. If for whatever reason my W did ask, I would be willing to let her look through everything if that would help assuage (got this word from my "Word of the Day" toilet paper  ) her concerns, but I would view it more as a one time thing and not unlimited open access.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

EllisRedding said:


> assuage (got this word from my "Word of the Day" toilet paper  )


No you didn't, you got it from ME. Hmpf.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Hope1964 said:


> No you didn't, you got it from ME. Hmpf.


Wait a sec, you created the Word of the Day toilet paper??? Oh man, you just went up a notch in my book :grin2:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

EllisRedding said:


> Wait a sec, you created the Word of the Day toilet paper??? Oh man, you just went up a notch in my book :grin2:


Bout time someone recognized my worth. :liar:


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I actually think the way people treat their cell phones says a lot about them and their relationship potential.


So... If I guard it with my life, but also require that he do the same... we're good? 😂

Seriously, though, mine has the fingerprint and so does my husband's... And we both have our fingerprints in each other's phones.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

For me, it depends. I wouldn't give access or ask for access in a BF/GF type relationship, but I don't believe in privacy in a marriage.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I have some reserves when it comes to this.

Like some posters here said, there comes a time when it's okay to share such private details. I'm not referring to the dating period(too soon for that), but when the relationship becomes exclusive and time goes on, I wouldn't mind sharing passwords. Although, I'd call it a lack of respect if he went on to my account without my permission [assuming I have already given him the passwords].

Even if I've got nothing to hide and he's free to lurk onto my accounts for as long as he wants, it's a bit of discomfort knowing that he wants to go through my private messages on FB with my girlfriends/family/relatives. We make inside jokes, share our thoughts, silly stuff or even a confidential talk that my friends don't want others to know. At the end of the day that's none of his business, right? So why give more access than needed? 
If he goes around everything that's "mine", it's like like a breach of privacy, more related to lack of respect rather than out of fear of hiding something from him. Just as much as I'm for total openness, on the other hand there's gotta be a reason why he wants to lurk onto my stuff. If there's something specific he wants to see, I can happily show it to him _with no reluctance_. 

It's the same as reading work emails. They are supposed to be confidential, right? Why should he have access to my work email? 
That's over the top for me. 

So I'd say, it depends.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

lovelygirl said:


> I have some reserves when it comes to this.
> 
> Like some posters here said, there comes a time when it's okay to share such private details. I'm not referring to the dating period(too soon for that), but when the relationship becomes exclusive and time goes on, I wouldn't mind sharing passwords. Although, I'd call it a lack of respect if he went on to my account without my permission [assuming I have already given him the passwords].
> 
> ...


Wasn't thinking work email but that it is an interesting topic. As far as I am concerned, a SO has no right whatsoever to access work email (maybe the only possible excuse would be if there have been issues with workplace affairs). 

In terms of accessing private messages/conversations, I agree with your thoughts. The problem as well, you should be able to talk freely with your friends/family. Can you really do that if you are now possibly filtering yourself b/c your SO is going to read through all your messages????


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> Wasn't thinking work email but that it is an interesting topic. As far as I am concerned, a SO has no right whatsoever to access work email (maybe the only possible excuse would be if there have been issues with workplace affairs).


The policy at my workplace is that EVERY email is confidential and supposed to be read only by the sender and the receiver. Some companies, might predict exclusion during workplace affairs...but my company doesn't lay out such exclusion. Supposing I had a a workplace affair though, [with MY choice] I could show him the messages if he asked me to.



> In terms of accessing private messages/conversations, I agree with your thoughts. The problem as well, you should be able to talk freely with your friends/family. Can you really do that if you are now possibly filtering yourself b/c your SO is going to read through all your messages????


I don't have to do the filtering on MY OWN account, with MY OWN friends, for MY OWN talks..all of which is only MY OWN business and nobody else's. My partner should make no exclusion. 
If he has trust issues, then it's his problem. It's not fair that I limit myself just because he has got nothing better to do but read and breach my privacy (without a reason). 

That's why I'd think twice before giving him any password.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

One part of this I don't understand: If I were to do something underhanded, I would not use any easily traceable communication. I'd use throw-away emails accounts that I would only access through applications that don't leave obvious traces. I would not carry my cell to a tryst - my work sometimes puts me in locations where my cell can't be reached so that wouldn't be suspicious. 

If the NSA wants to track me, they certainly can, but if I want to hide something it would take someone considerable effort to find it. Given her profession I expect my wife could do an even better job. We could play Spy vs. Spy but whats the point. 

If my wife is having an affair, she can be pretty sure I won't find out. Same for me.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My wife and I know each other's passwords and even have each other's fingerprints saved on our iPhones and laptops. We do not go looking for anything though because we respect each other's privacy. I also do maintenance on my wife's hardware so I am in and out of her hardware every few months. I just realized that the last sentance sounds dirty and I did not mean it to be that way.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Dating, no. Married, absolutely. I have nothing to hide. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

If married I am for full access. If just dating, even if living together, then no.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

uhtred said:


> One part of this I don't understand: If I were to do something underhanded, I would not use any easily traceable communication. I'd use throw-away emails accounts that I would only access through applications that don't leave obvious traces. I would not carry my cell to a tryst - my work sometimes puts me in locations where my cell can't be reached so that wouldn't be suspicious.
> 
> If the NSA wants to track me, they certainly can, but if I want to hide something it would take someone considerable effort to find it. Given her profession I expect my wife could do an even better job. We could play Spy vs. Spy but whats the point.
> 
> If my wife is having an affair, she can be pretty sure I won't find out. Same for me.


Often there are signs apart from electronic evidence. Lipstick on the collar for example  If all you concentrate on is the electronic trail, you're bound to miss something!!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> If married I am for full access. If just dating, even if living together, then no.


See, if I was living with you, and asked you for the comfort of being allowed to access your phone and stuff, and you refused, you'd be leaving. Guess you'd need someone who has never been cheated on!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Dating no, living together or married yes. 

Its a loaded question though...in our case, I only have a passcode on my phone when we go out (it drives me nuts). Hubby has his on all the time, we both know what it is though. We know each others passwords and things but don't log in to snoop on each others things. My FB is logged in pretty much all the time, any time hubby likes he could log on but he doesn't. He must know that all he'd find is cute bunny, puppy and kitten photos! Rofl.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> See, if I was living with you, and asked you for the comfort of being allowed to access your phone and stuff, and you refused, you'd be leaving. Guess you'd need someone who has never been cheated on!


Wouldn't be leaving anywhere since it's my house but yes need a secure woman. Lucky for me I have one. And yes she was cheated on


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

EllisRedding said:


> I hear ya on the TAM paranoia, got hit with a bit of it as well at times!
> 
> My W and I have never done anything to bring into question our loyalty to each other. If for whatever reason my W did ask, I would be willing to let her look through everything if that would help assuage (got this word from my "Word of the Day" toilet paper  ) her concerns, but I would view it more as a one time thing and not unlimited open access.


WHERE did you get "word of the day" toilet paper??? H has a birthday coming up! :grin2:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I / we have always looked at this as more of a "willing" - "giving" thing... 

We are more or less a couple who just OFFERS this information...it's like a "given"... this is just our way... it's always been our way.. to share everything, everything is joint..... I'd say we are both "open book" types - at least with each other.... if suddenly this would stop, on my end... he would feel it... he's never felt the need to get into any of the things I do online as I pretty much openly share ....if something is interesting.. I talk about it...we talk about it....Maybe a subject I am thinking of doing a thread on here, a post I read...who sent me a message today on FB, what is going on....

And he shares with me some things he reads on FB. what so & so is doing...

We have a family binder with all our our emails, FB, forums, every website, credit cards, all our usernames, passwords.. heck our 4th son was asking Dad what his password for his email was last night to get into his google images to show some pics of our back yard to a friend.... we just throw it out there...

We think nothing of it.. if this wasn't family though... Oh my NO [email protected]#$


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