# Fitness tests and manning up



## Tangent (Apr 9, 2012)

Just when everything is going okay, she throws one at me (I know, she's wired to do it). But sometimes, I'm so bewildered by the temerity of her tests I don't even want to get into it.

Right as I lay down to sleep after a hard day (as usual), she throws this out of the blue. Stating that the next Christmas eve, we (immediate family) will not go with my extended family to a restaurant to eat "bad" Chinese food as is our family tradition, but instead, we will come up with our own family tradition. 

There are so many things wrong with this my brain just short circuits:
1) It's not about the food; its about the family
2) traditions are not by definition created anew, but they are carried on
3) The food isn't always bad since we change up restaurants (often its quite good)
4) decisions like this are not made unilaterally
5) don't hit me with this **** right before I need to get to bed (its late from running my step-son-her son-to football practice, and I get up early)
6) her family is Buddhist, not Christian, so what does she care what we do
7) I eat bad Vietnamese food every time we are at her parents house when her mom cooks (I love good Vietnamese food, her mom's a ****ty cook)

I mean all at once all of these thoughts flood my brain. I know that if I even start to get into it I'll be up for hours, so I just ignore it and go to bed. It might seem petty, but these tests sometimes make me think I'd be happier on my own. 

The way I see it, we get the kind of marriage we make, so if she wants the kind of marriage where I either cave into her demands (I know, she'll quickly tire of that), or I leave my immediate family on Christmas eve to do what I want (abandonment! evil cad!) she can have it.

I know the answer is to either laugh it off or stand firm and lay down the law (I read Roissy, MMSL, Roosh etc)...it's just that I get so flooded with rage I don't have the words.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Nice...that is the mother of all s**t tests. When these come at you its time to be calm and sturdy. See them as the test that they are and it can be very satisfying...and formative to your relationship to hit it out of the park. The anger probably comes from how presumptuous she is to imagine she can prescribe this for your family. Ok to share your thoughts about that...calmly.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Remember, she's testing to see if you are strong, resilient, and trustworthy...the kind of man she can attach herself to for security. You certainly are that kind of man because of the way you react to the test. You have the answer to the test but if you are seeing red you can make a mistake putting it on your answer sheet.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Let her go do her own thing and you continue to go with your family.

When I first married we used to drive 100 miles to see my in-laws on Christmas Eve morning. We had to go to two houses. We would drive back home at like 11:00 at night. We did that for three or four years and I said enough, not doing that any more. I too wanted to start our own traditions.

My MIL wasn't real happy about it as she's ocd and they had been doing this family gathering for years. It eventually morphed in to us going there the weekend before Christmas and holding the get-together then (which it still is today; she sends out an invite in July. No kidding.)

Some times you have to put your foot down, and sometimes you have to just compromise.


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## WalkingInLight (Aug 14, 2012)

Tangent said:


> ...it's just that I get so flooded with rage I don't have the words...


I think this might be the thing you should consider focusing on, not your wife's testing.

Speaking as a man who has his own struggles with anger/rage - I have to say that reading the book, "Hold on to your N.U.T.s" helped me identify and develop those things that were most important to me. To know which things made me, me and that I would not compromise on.

It sounds like meeting with your family is pretty important to you. If meeting with your family every Christmas is a non-negotiable issue for you - you can simply say that and move on.

Once you know who you are and where your boundaries lie - it's easier to let the anger go. When my wife steps on my boundaries now, I can simply acknowledge to myself that she did it and that I wish she wouldn't.

Whether she is testing me or not no longer matters. I just simply state something like, "I've heard what you've said, but this is not something I'm prepared to move on." It doesn't matter what she says becuase I know that I know that I'm not moving. Knowing this allows me to breathe through it and to not feel threatened or challenged.

Another little trick I use form the book is to tell myself that "it's not about me" whenevr she says something that I start to get angry at. It allows me to calm down pretty darned rapidly and to actualy listen to her - something that she has been long for me to do. Before - all I would do is get angry and scream and yell at her.

You're wife may be testing you - but it sounds more to me like she is trying to explore starting a new tradition of your very own - the petty comment about your family is something that she shouldn't have said - but you, as the man, have to be bigger than her and to look past that. By all means tell her that when she makes comments that sound like she is disparaging your family that you find it hurtful. But after that, you need to be the rock and take it.

Best of luck.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Tangent said:


> Right as I lay down to sleep after a hard day (as usual), she throws this out of the blue. Stating that the next Christmas eve, we (immediate family) will not go with my extended family to a restaurant to eat "bad" Chinese food as is our family tradition, but instead, we will come up with our own family tradition.


Tangent,

It's a hundred degrees where I live. Christmas is 5 months away. Just say OK and go to bed. You don't have to decide where you're going til Dec 24


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If you won't even consider doing anything different for Christmas, then fine, tell her that.

I'm curious, though, what is behind this. She wants to create new traditions with you...that doesn't sound so bad. So is there some underlying issue or problem that is causing her anxiety about these dinners? Did you ask her about that?

Maybe you can do both? Do the Christmas dinner with the family, and the next day or previous day, start the new tradition that she wants with her.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

This comes completely out of the blue? No earlier comments, conversations, events?

I don't know that it is a fitness test. But my response would have been something along the lines of - "what are we having for dinner between now and then?" or "I haven't even told you what to get me as a present, and we're talking dinner already?"


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## Tangent (Apr 9, 2012)

This came up last Christmas. Christmas was on a Sunday and at first she got upset about having to even visit my family on Christmas because it "interrupted her tradition". When I asked her what her Christmas tradition was (again, her family is Vietnamese Buddhist with strong animistic influences), she replied sitting on the couch and resting. 

This is completely disrespectful of my traditions-this is why its a hot button issue. I am completely respectful of her culture, and assume it is my responsibility to be present on special occasions. I want to raise our daughter in both traditions and languages. 

To me, Christmas Eve and Christmas is about getting together with family (including hers if they would like) and I have fond memories of that time of year...to her, Christmas Eve is a Monday.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Tangent said:


> Just when everything is going okay, she throws one at me (I know, she's wired to do it). But sometimes, I'm so bewildered by the temerity of her tests I don't even want to get into it.
> 
> Right as I lay down to sleep after a hard day (as usual), she throws this out of the blue. Stating that the next Christmas eve, we (immediate family) will not go with my extended family to a restaurant to eat "bad" Chinese food as is our family tradition, but instead, we will come up with our own family tradition.
> 
> ...


conflicting cultures?

yea. id throw that shet right out the door.
the wole point in the holiday is to celebrate that one certain thing while bringing the family together in joining it.

some people are so bent on being particular about everything that should just be fun and memorable.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It’s not about Christmas, it’s not about food. Those things are secondary and just a means to an end.

It most definitely was not a fitness test.



It was a shet test.

It was a passive, covertly aggressive act designed to get right under your skin and hurt you. She left it right up to the point were you lay down to sleep and was at your most vulnerable, unclothed and laying down. Yes it was premeditated, she planned for it to happen, it’s pretty wicked stuff.

It’s an exceedingly difficult test for a man. The wound generates instant and sometimes very strong anger in him. That is the response she wanted and yes it is “mental”. 

Another man wound you so deeply, you can fight him. A woman, your wife no way can you use the anger for what it’s there for, to defend yourself against an aggressor who has wounded you.

The very best thing you can do is learn about passive aggression and how to deal with it in your wife. This will take you quite a while. Meanwhile, when she wounds you like that again, learn to put a smile on your face and walk away and dissipate your anger in healthy ways.

Number one thing I would do is read Awareness: Amazon.co.uk: Anthony De Mello: Books. The author will teach you how to detach from your ego. Your wife is using your ego and emotions to wound and hurt you. She’s not using her fists, she has other ways.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

AFEH said:


> She left it right up to the point were you lay down to sleep and was at your most vulnerable, unclothed and laying down. Yes it was premeditated, she planned for it to happen, it’s pretty wicked stuff.


as a repeat recipient of this, i'd like to hear what you would do in this situation. the readers digest version is acceptable if you don't want to go into too much detail.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Matt1720 said:


> as a repeat recipient of this, i'd like to hear what you would do in this situation. the readers digest version is acceptable if you don't want to go into too much detail.


Run? It’s not so easy it when you love them.

Boundaries are the thing. They can only hurt because they get under our skin, inside of us. Right inside to our heart and soul. That’s how they hurt us. Some say they start to become aware and learn how to do it from the age of four.

They can hurt us because we love them and our love for them makes us vulnerable. No other person on the planet can hurt us as much as our wife does by using our ego and emotions against ourselves. It’s immensely clever, cunning.

Educate yourself about passive aggression. Something I never did and looking back wish I had was to say “Your game is up. I know you are a passive aggressive. You will never get away with it again. If you want help, lets do it together. But never ever carry out a passive aggressive act against me again”.

I really do think it’s something the PA has to get help with. PA’s are violent people, just that they don’t use their fists etc.

Get yourself some healthy boundaries by reading Hold on to Your Nuts: The Relationship Manual for Men: Amazon.co.uk: Wayne M. Levine: Books. And to learn to get away from your ego such that she can’t hurt you so deeply read and you can clearly see what is really going on read http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/...&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=317828027&pf_rd_i=468294. Both are life long learning books you’ll pick up time and again.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Matt1720 said:


> as a repeat recipient of this, i'd like to hear what you would do in this situation. the readers digest version is acceptable if you don't want to go into too much detail.


I'm not ok with discussing this right now.


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