# Introspection



## Aule

Hi,

Okay, so I've posted and got lots of answers from various people which I am grateful for.

Assessing my marriage after 10 years.

Finances: my SSDI pays for all the basics. Good enough.
Division of labor: generally fair. I do dishes, 3/4 of the cooking, and all the janitorial, while she does everything else.
Sex: Generally satisfactory.
Child: Developing brilliantly.
Religion: Shared belief in God. I believe my attempt to convert to Christianity has failed, but I won't tell my wife that. I'll still attend her church occasionally for her sake, but I'd actually rather stay at home and do housework while she goes. 
Recreation: We have separate crafting interests, we go bowling together, we cook together.

All right.... so far so good, however I just hit an iceberg.

I still can't get over the fact that just a year ago she has revealed herself to be a bigot against Catholics. Not
that I want to BE one, but the college I went to took very
good care of me while I was attending as a minor.

I can't believe such a deeply held belief could have been
acquired so recently. She had to have held it back all
along while dating and being married to me, until we 
returned back to her hometown.

I've tried very gently to convince my spouse that 
declaring people who are genuinely attempting to worship
God are instead fighting on the other side (by worshipping
'idols') is WRONG.

She doesn't get it, and she won't take counseling.

I think its a social norm to expect a spouse to be 
reasonably free of beliefs which are targeted to injure, 
malign, or dishonor otherwise good people.

I did not set out to find a bigot for a wife. If she held 
this belief all along then she has lied to me before 
the marriage.

Even though the rest of the marriage is okay, I feel like I 
should not reward a person who is like this with my 
companionship. I feel I should make a stand.

No matter how much I stand to lose or my child stands
to lose by this, I feel I should leave, to set the example
that bigotry should never be rewarded by love.

I'm strongly considering walking away as soon as she
gets her SSDI. If it never happens, I'll remain in stealth
mode regarding this issue and try to have fun with the
rest of the marriage. I don't want to die alone, after all.

How wrong am I to be feeling this way?

Help!


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## PBear

How did she reveal her bigotry? Telling a joke in private is one thing, creating a "Catholics Suck" website is another. 

And you may want to look at your hypocrisy of lieing to her about your "conversion" before worrying about her lie to you...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3

Good point Pbear on hypocrisy of " conversion."
It is truly amazing how we play this game of relationship w our partners. 

OP, only you know really how your spouse is, and if you can live along side by side w them. If you can make light & jokes with their comments back, or just roll the eyes & shake your head , show them in actions what a fool they are making of themseleves when opening their mouth, maybe they will begin to understand. I dunno. 

My dad was not a Catholic, my mom was, not only was she Catholic, she was Irish Catholic. She put up with years of my father calling the Catholic's "mickey, the Irish drunks," He made Archie Bunker look liberated. She would just call him an old fool when he made his comments. He ended up getting what he deserved in the long run as he raised two very strong willed young women, and ended his working career in upper management answering to one of the first black females CEC's in the early 1980's. Karma caught up with him, as it is said. 

~ sammy


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## Philat

What you believe is one thing, what you do is another. Any of us who is truly introspective will find some kind of prejudicial belief or predisposition. If your W does not *behave* in a way that is disrespectful or hurtful to anyone, then "punishing" her for what she thinks (as opposed to what she does) would be rather sanctimonious, IMO. If in the privacy of your own home she says things that you find objectionable, simply let her know in as nonjudgmental way as possible.


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## Coffee Amore

Is this the hill you want to die on? Her so called, possible bigotry? You don't explain what she said that's so offensive.

You seem to be taking a balanced appraisal of your marriage. I don't see any big issues listed in the listing you put at the top of your post, but you're actually thinking of ending your marriage, which otherwise seems untroubled, over this particular issue?


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## Aule

Coffee Amore said:


> Is this the hill you want to die on? Her so called, possible bigotry? You don't explain what she said that's so offensive.
> 
> You seem to be taking a balanced appraisal of your marriage. I don't see any big issues listed in the listing you put at the top of your post, but you're actually thinking of ending your marriage, which otherwise seems untroubled, over this particular issue?


I had a little advice to share from a therapist. When I told her how incense I was over this, she advised that most bigotry started out as childhood training and that I just consider she was brainwashed and not know any better. I should just take what she says with a large grain of salt, but to take care I should not carry down the prejudice, and not confront her about it. Simply ignore it. She also made the point that maybe she wasn't hiding this at all during dating, but simply saw that as an unnecessary detail to mention. I had done the same, so I can hardly blame her, now can I.


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## Keenwa

Aule said:


> I had a little advice to share from a therapist. When I told her how incense I was over this, she advised that most bigotry started out as childhood training and that I just consider she was brainwashed and not know any better. I should just take what she says with a large grain of salt, but to take care I should not carry down the prejudice, and not confront her about it. Simply ignore it. She also made the point that maybe she wasn't hiding this at all during dating, but simply saw that as an unnecessary detail to mention. I had done the same, so I can hardly blame her, now can I.


I agree that everyone is prejudiced in some way and it's how we act upon that which is important. You have every right in a relationship of any kind to say "you may believe that, but I don't want you to ever say those things in front of me or our child". I was recently at a family function where there were clearly a number of racist people in the group, they were openly making racist comments etc. I took my children and left, told my H I was leaving. I will not tolerate listening to that stuff. I also had a friend who used the N word. I told her once, "I don't care what you believe but around me, I don't want to hear any kind of racist comments". She stopped. 

I don't agree at all that you should ignore what you view as bigoted comments. You have a right to state that you do not want to hear them. Similarly, you have a right to not attend a church that you don't believe in, she should go on her own if she enjoys it, but you don't need to attend. 

Perhaps if you can find a way of unweaving your co-dependency you will find it possible to continue in your marriage?


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## MEM2020

Aule,
Define and enforce some boundaries here. 

The simplest is this:
As an adult, you are entitled to whatever views and opinions you have. As my co-parent, I need you to respect my need for you to avoid discussions with our child during which you make negative comments about 'groups' of people. I am not asking you to lie, simply to redirect. If our child asks you about Catholics, I ask that you simply say 'that's a good question for daddy, he knows a lot about different religions'. 

I need to know that you will respect this request. 

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As for comments she makes to you, short pointed responses might do the trick. Like:
Do you believe there is anything 'good' that comes out of these type comments? 

Maybe we should talk about this with your pastor, because I don't think your comments are coming from a place of love and tolerance. And that is not consistent with the core message of Christianity. 





Aule said:


> I had a little advice to share from a therapist. When I told her how incense I was over this, she advised that most bigotry started out as childhood training and that I just consider she was brainwashed and not know any better. I should just take what she says with a large grain of salt, but to take care I should not carry down the prejudice, and not confront her about it. Simply ignore it. She also made the point that maybe she wasn't hiding this at all during dating, but simply saw that as an unnecessary detail to mention. I had done the same, so I can hardly blame her, now can I.


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