# Retroactive Jealousy vs the gut feeling that something is wrong



## Firecat (5 d ago)

I see a lot of people on here responding to posters who worry about something in their spouse's past, saying it's just retroactive jealousy and nothing to worry about.

My view is different. I think we should trust our guts. A lot of the time we know in our gut when something is wrong. I think when jealousy flares up over a spouse's past partners, it's a sign of one of two things:

1. The spouse is cheating, and our intuition is picking up on those subtle signals.

2. The spouse was deceitful and isn't really attracted to us, and our gut is telling us something is wrong and we're not getting the love, sex, and desire we deserve and are entitled to.

So I think we should not belittle people worrying about their spouse's past partners, but rather understand it as the intuition signaling that something is not right... something is quite wrong!


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Firecat said:


> I see a lot of people on here responding to posters who worry about something in their spouse's past, saying it's just retroactive jealousy and nothing to worry about.
> 
> My view is different. I think we should trust our guts. A lot of the time we know in our gut when something is wrong. I think when jealousy flares up over a spouse's past partners, it's a sign of one of two things:
> 
> ...


 or some people just can't be happy so they start looking for things that are not there , they have an inbuilt self destruct, train wreck 
everyone is different and every relationship is different what goes for one does not fit for all


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Firecat said:


> I see a lot of people on here responding to posters who worry about something in their spouse's past, saying it's just retroactive jealousy and nothing to worry about.
> 
> My view is different. I think we should trust our guts. A lot of the time we know in our gut when something is wrong. I think when jealousy flares up over a spouse's past partners, it's a sign of one of two things:
> 
> ...


you are presuming some kind of malfeasance on the partner’s part and that the person having the jealousy is valid.

That is often not the case with RJ though.
The spouse is often not cheating and often they were attracted and acting in good faith when they got together. 

RJ is the experiencing of distress over something that occurred in the spouses past before they ever even got together so you can’t really blame the spouse for malfeasance in the relationship when the person with the RJ is hung up on something that occurred before they even met.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Retroactive Jealousy comes into play when there is no red flag or reason to suspect your spouse of wrong doing.

If there _is_ reason to suspect, then it’s not retroactive jealousy even if someone else thinks it is. It’s just a red flag.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

oldshirt said:


> The spouse is often not cheating and often they were attracted and acting in good faith when they got together.
> 
> RJ is the experiencing of distress over something that occurred in the spouses past before they ever even got together so you can’t really blame the spouse for malfeasance in the relationship when the person with the RJ is hung up on something that occurred before they even met.


Right, sometimes the spouse did nothing wrong, but sometimes the hangup on the past is a symptom of something wrong right now.



BeyondRepair007 said:


> Retroactive Jealousy comes into play when there is no red flag or reason to suspect your spouse of wrong doing.
> 
> If there _is_ reason to suspect, then it’s not retroactive jealousy even if someone else thinks it is. It’s just a red flag.


The problem is that sometimes if your spouse cheated on you or is otherwise deceptive or not into you, there isn't always a red flag or reason that you can spell out or put your finger on.

Sometimes it's just intuition. Sometimes it's just a gut feeling that comes out in strange ways.

Yet intuition is often reliable. Not 100%, but often. If someone has a gut feeling that something is wrong, even if they can't point to a specific red flag or reason, I'm inclined to trust them.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Firecat said:


> So I think we should not belittle people worrying about their spouse's past partners, but rather understand it as the intuition signaling that something is not right... something is quite wrong


This ^^^^ doesn’t match this:



Firecat said:


> Yet intuition is often reliable. Not 100%, but often. If someone has a gut feeling that something is wrong, even if they can't point to a specific red flag or reason, I'm inclined to trust them


What’s your point?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you married them knowing about their past you cant complain, If they lied then that is a betrayal.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> This ^^^^ doesn’t match this:
> What’s your point?


how do they not match? I don't understand.
Both those quotes are the same. I'm saying we should trust intuition.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Firecat said:


> Right, sometimes the spouse did nothing wrong, but sometimes the hangup on the past is a symptom of something wrong right now.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


sometimes sometimes sometimes seems a bit like picking things out of the wind , 

what you talk about is like you believe in the power of crystal ball


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> sometimes sometimes sometimes seems a bit like picking things out of the wind ,
> 
> what you talk about is like you believe in the power of crystal ball


in english please


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Firecat said:


> in english please


that type smart ass comment will not win you any brownie points


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Firecat said:


> how do they not match? I don't understand.
> Both those quotes are the same. I'm saying we should trust intuition.


Gotcha. When you said this:


Firecat said:


> I'm inclined to trust them.


I thought you mean trust the person. You mean trust intuition.

Without some type of red flag, I disagree.

People are insecure and imagine all sorts of things. I've had insecurities about my wife and she's as safe a wife as a man could have.

My insecurities should not become her problem unless there are real reasons (red flags) to do that.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Gotcha. When you said this:
> 
> I thought you mean trust the person. You mean trust intuition.
> 
> ...


Right, I meant trust intuition.

Well one real reason that's commonly overlooked or pushed under the rug is the lack of an amazing sex life, no flirting and making out, no dirty texts, lack of feeling passion and desire from your partner. People make excuses for it ("we're older, we have kids, he/she has medical problems") but plenty of people in that situation still manage.

I think the word "insecurities" here is very misleading. Insecurities are about you ("I'm not good enough"). Thinking that there is something wrong in the relationship isn't about you ("he's cheating," or "she's not giving me her best," or "he's not being as good to me as I deserve," or "she isn't/wasn't attracted to me"). See the difference?


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

Here's a good example:









What caught you by surprise when you got cheated on?


For two years, my gut told me she was cheating whenever she left the country to visit her family. I just had a feeling with nothing to base it on. I contacted one of her friends via Skype. She did not tell me about what was going on because my wife told everyone that we were divorced. When I...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





"For two years, my gut told me she was cheating whenever she left the country to visit her family. I just had a feeling with nothing to base it on."


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Firecat said:


> Right, I meant trust intuition.
> 
> Well one real reason that's commonly overlooked or pushed under the rug is the lack of an amazing sex life, no flirting and making out, no dirty texts, lack of feeling passion and desire from your partner. People make excuses for it ("we're older, we have kids, he/she has medical problems") but plenty of people in that situation still manage.
> 
> I think the word "insecurities" here is very misleading. Insecurities are about you ("I'm not good enough"). Thinking that there is something wrong in the relationship isn't about you ("he's cheating," or "she's not giving me her best," or "he's not being as good to me as I deserve," or "she isn't/wasn't attracted to me"). See the difference?


You're trying to make a point that we should not ignore retroactive jealousy (and by extension just regular jealousy) because intuition is right and should be trusted.

I disagree. 
I'm a jealous type because I'm an insecure type because my past is jacked up.
If I moved to divorce every time I got jealous (because intuition) then I'd be married for like 5 minutes.

People are damaged. Sometimes ghosts are just ghosts.

The time when you have an OP here saying "I know something's up" then it's because he or she is picking up on small subtle clues, hints, and actions that something is off right now. That is not the same as retroactive jealousy. Sometimes that OP thinks these little hints and such are because of something that happened in the past, but in reality, they stem from current activities.

My point. Retroactive jealousy, if that is truly all that it is, should be left in the past and the jealous person has to deal with it.

Current suspicious behaviors are different. They are not retroactive jealousy.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Firecat said:


> Right, sometimes the spouse did nothing wrong, but sometimes the hangup on the past is a symptom of something wrong right now.
> 
> 
> 
> ...





Firecat said:


> "For two years, my gut told me she was cheating whenever she left the country to visit her family. I just had a feeling with nothing to base it on."


But that is not RJ. That is suspicion. 

RJ is when someone is distressed over things that their partner did before becoming involved with them. 

what you are talking about here is a gut feeling or a suspicion of inappropriate behavior in the now.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let me put it this way, if your partner is cheating on you, that is not retroactive jealousy.

it’s regular jealousy with just cause.


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## lmucamac (5 mo ago)

While I agree that you should trust your gut, I completely disagree with your reasoning that the spouse is doing something wrong. 

if something from the past is bothering you it could just be anxiety or overreacting. It could e that something else is wrong or missing in the marriage.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

lmucamac said:


> if something from the past is bothering you it could just be anxiety or overreacting. It could e that something else is wrong or missing in the marriage.


Yes this is exactly my point.

Look at this thread and look at how many people called it RJ:









Crushed by Wife’s Discovered Sexual Past


I hope you folks out there can give me some clarity and guidance; I don’t have anyone else to talk to about how I feel or how to resolve the issue. To give you some background: I met my wife when I was 24 and she 23; we married after 6 years of being together. We are now in our mid 50s; we are...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> The time when you have an OP here saying "I know something's up" then it's because he or she is picking up on small subtle clues, hints, and actions that something is off right now. That is not the same as retroactive jealousy. Sometimes that OP thinks these little hints and such are because of something that happened in the past, but in reality, they stem from current activities.


This is exactly my point. Sometimes the feelings originate from picking up on subtle clues in the present, but at first glance it looks like it's about the past. So it looks like RJ, but it's not.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Firecat said:


> I see a lot of people on here responding to posters who worry about something in their spouse's past, saying it's just retroactive jealousy and nothing to worry about.
> 
> My view is different. I think we should trust our guts. A lot of the time we know in our gut when something is wrong. I think when jealousy flares up over a spouse's past partners, it's a sign of one of two things:
> 
> ...


I have some retroactive jealousy and I can tell you what you list is total nonsense. Spouse's past has nothing to do with his or her cheating or even prediction if he or she would cheat.

Why spouse's past has any indication the spouse was deceitful? If the spouse intentionally hid something from his or her past then it is a problem. From my personal experience I truly believe all past must be revealed entirely and honestly in the beginning of the relationship. If the partner accepts this past then it should never be brought back or worse used against each other. I do not believe in the "my past is my my past and you should not be concerned with it".


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I have some retroactive jealousy and I can tell you what you list is total nonsense. Spouse's past has nothing to do with his or her cheating or even prediction if he or she would cheat.
> 
> Why spouse's past has any indication the spouse was deceitful? If the spouse intentionally hid something from his or her past then it is a problem. From my personal experience I truly believe all past must be revealed entirely and honestly in the beginning of the relationship. If the partner accepts this past then it should never be brought back or worse used against each other. I do not believe in the "my past is my my past and you should not be concerned with it".


Doesn't have to be cheating. I didn't say it was always about cheating.

Here's a common example that's not about cheating:

A lot of people settle for a mediocre sex life with a spouse who's not attracted to them, then they find out their partner had a more wild past than they realized. Maybe their partner was deceptive, or maybe they never asked.

So they start getting upset about their partner's wild past, but really the problem is that they had this gut feeling deep down that something wasn't right, that their spouse wasn't into them.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Firecat said:


> Doesn't have to be cheating. I didn't say it was always about cheating.
> 
> Here's a common example that's not about cheating:
> 
> ...


This is not retroactive jealousy. This is deception and lying.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Firecat said:


> Doesn't have to be cheating. I didn't say it was always about cheating.
> 
> Here's a common example that's not about cheating:
> 
> ...


if the way you turned on me here and I just trying to help you and giving my time free to you and you questioned my English may be you are equally judging your wife with a superior approach to her , 

I am just saying you could be judging her wrong , 
you could be seeing things that are not there ,

you talk about "settle for a mediocre sex life with a spouse " well sex is more than just a man and a woman,
it goes deep into the interaction between two people ,
it is normal for one person to bring out one side in a woman or man and another person bring out something else,

your together all so for more than just sex , while the sex might not be wild it is not the only thing you have together or at least was one of the things you had 
by now a lot of the lights in your relationship might have gone out not all her doing and not all your doing , except if you spend to long 
thinking someone in her past got her to do risky or kinky things that you could not , 
but did you think she might not have been that into it and did not enjoy it that much and that it was the only thing she had in the relationship with him and why it did not last


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

romantic_dreamer said:


> This is not retroactive jealousy. This is deception and lying.


In theory, it wouldn't have to involve deception if they never discussed it.
But I agree, it's not RJ. My point was that is might look like RJ since the victim might be thinking about and replaying the deception.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Firecat said:


> Doesn't have to be cheating. I didn't say it was always about cheating.
> 
> Here's a common example that's not about cheating:
> 
> ...


Then the issue is that they settled for a crappy sex life and again that is a problem in the now, it’s not RJ.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Firecat said:


> In theory, it wouldn't have to involve deception if they never discussed it.
> But I agree, it's not RJ. My point was that is might look like RJ since the victim might be thinking about and replaying the deception.


I think you mix different things. First, deception about past or laying about it is very bad deal breaking thing. Second, refusing to do sexual things with your partner or spouse she or he did before is equally deal breaking to me and also constitutes a deception unless it was discussed and agreed upon in the beginning of the relationship. But all this is not RJ.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Lying, deceit, and changing boundaries can all trigger RJ.

RJ is a very natural male reaction. I'm speaking as a male here.

Now, it may be true that it doesn't indicate some current problem. But it is a real thing, and worthy of being treated as such.

IMO the best way to avoid RJ is to not get into a LTR with a woman who has a problematic past. Problematic being whatever would bother you knowing. Past sex life matters just as much as a history of alcohol or drug abuse, history of infidelity, criminal history, etc. Perhaps those things are firmly in the past, perhaps not. Unfortunate pasts tend to resurface to make awkward presents, often at the worst possible times.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

DownButNotOut said:


> Lying, deceit, and changing boundaries can all trigger RJ.
> 
> RJ is a very natural male reaction. I'm speaking as a male here.
> 
> ...


I think the core of the problem is hiding or lying about the past. If the past is discussed honestly and openly in the beginning of the relationship and both partners accept it then there should not be any RJ or any other problems. However, what happens often and it did happen in my own relationship is that the past is considered taboo, off limits to discussion when people date or marry and then revealed in part many years later. And this itself causes jealousy, resentment, etc.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

IME retroactive jealousy is usually the result of either insecurity that you don't measure up or the feeling that your spouse isn't fully living in the present with you.

If you suspect something inappropriate now that's not RA. That's a present feeling that your spouse is up to no good.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

We know more than we know


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Some OP's have been inappropriately labeled as suffering from RJ when it was really something else, not necessarily cheating, but usually dishonesty was involved by the offending spouse which is more often than not a woman.

Real RJ is unfortunately a real condition and I feel for those suffering from it. That sympathy is for both the man and woman in the relationship. Neither did anything wrong.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

ConanHub said:


> Some OP's have been inappropriately labeled as suffering from RJ when it was really something else, not necessarily cheating, but usually dishonesty was involved by the offending spouse which is more often than not a woman.
> 
> Real RJ is unfortunately a real condition and I feel for those suffering from it. That sympathy is for both the man and woman in the relationship. Neither did anything wrong.


I agree. I think before jumping to the "RJ" label we should at least consider that it might be something else and that an OP might have valid reasons.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Firecat said:


> I agree. I think before jumping to the "RJ" label we should at least consider that it might be something else and that an OP might have valid reasons.


A lot of times, the details are actually given in the OP and just ignored or written off.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Firecat said:


> Here's a good example:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That isn't RJ and I don't think anyone would call it that. This is straight up cheating.



Firecat said:


> Yes this is exactly my point.
> 
> Look at this thread and look at how many people called it RJ:
> 
> ...


This one is more of a gray area. This would clearly be RJ if he knew about all her past, married her then started being jealous 30 years into the marriage. In this case he didn't ask about her past until 30 years in. Although not as clear cut, I still think it is a kind of RJ. If I recall correctly the OP kind of made lemonade out of the lemons this situation dealt him. So if RJ, it isn't having that much of an impact on him.



I personally do have some issues with RJ. I've been jealous of many aspect of my wife's relationship immediately prior to us getting together. The things I'm jealous of are not her fault. They were just life events prior to us ever even meeting. And they definitely aren't a hidden red flag. She has been a model wife for 32 years.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> That isn't RJ and I don't think anyone would call it that. This is straight up cheating.
> 
> 
> This one is more of a gray area. This would clearly be RJ if he knew about all her past, married her then started being jealous 30 years into the marriage. In this case he didn't ask about her past until 30 years in. Although not as clear cut, I still think it is a kind of RJ. If I recall correctly the OP kind of made lemonade out of the lemons this situation dealt him. So if RJ, it isn't having that much of an impact on him.
> ...


so sex is amazing, she wants you bad all the time, there's nothing in your gut telling you that something is off or not right with the relationship? there's nothing in your gut telling you that you deserve to be treated better?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Firecat said:


> so sex is amazing, she wants you bad all the time, there's nothing in your gut telling you that something is off or not right with the relationship? there's nothing in your gut telling you that you deserve to be treated better?


Intimacy with my wife is through the roof. Sex nearly every day. Never a worry about infidelity. We are an amazing team. Cook dinner shoulder to shoulder every night if we aren't going out. "Date nights" every week. She shows me in many ways that she loves me and wants to be with me forever. The list goes on. I would say our marriage is close to a model for others to follow.

So what do I have to be jealous of? Nothing. All the things I'm jealous of from her previous relationship pale in comparison to everything we have together.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Intimacy with my wife is through the roof. Sex nearly every day. Never a worry about infidelity. We are an amazing team. Cook dinner shoulder to shoulder every night if we aren't going out. "Date nights" every week. She shows me in many ways that she loves me and wants to be with me forever. The list goes on. I would say our marriage is close to a model for others to follow.
> 
> So what do I have to be jealous of? Nothing. All the things I'm jealous of from her previous relationship pale in comparison to everything we have together.


I am absolutely in the same situation. Married to the most beautiful, sexy, wonderful woman for 25 years. Thank every day I spend with her. We are intimate almost every time I wish. But I am still a bit jealous of her past. He first sexual experience was not with me. And it is not her fault at all.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

BigDaddy and Romantic_Dreamer, it sounds like you've both put in some thought and concluded it's not your gut telling you something is wrong.

That's great - I'm glad to hear. I think a lot of people haven't put in that thought and dismiss the idea.

In your cases, I'd guess it's one of three things

1 - religious upbringing telling you that virgins are pure or attaching importance to virginity

2 - being upset that you haven't had the same opportunities/wild sex/number of partners

3 - just OCD where the compulsion is to replay over the encounters in your head, which can be treated by reminding yourself of the encounters but preventing yourself from replaying them (Exposure and Repetition Prevention therapy, a standard treatment for OCD)


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Firecat said:


> BigDaddy and Romantic_Dreamer, it sounds like you've both put in some thought and concluded it's not your gut telling you something is wrong.
> 
> That's great - I'm glad to hear. I think a lot of people haven't put in that thought and dismiss the idea.
> 
> ...


For me 1 is not applicable. I was raised in completely secular home with loving parents.
2 is probably true for me. 3 - I am not sure.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Firecat said:


> BigDaddy and Romantic_Dreamer, it sounds like you've both put in some thought and concluded it's not your gut telling you something is wrong.
> 
> That's great - I'm glad to hear. I think a lot of people haven't put in that thought and dismiss the idea.
> 
> ...


I don't think your list is complete, people are way more complex than that. I don't fit into any of those categories. I was raised without a proper father, and hurt severely as a young adult. The reaction chain from those events and a self-destructive trail of damage left me with some insecurities that are hard to shake even now 30+ years later.

People are complex and damaged. The only perfect one was crucified long ago.
Making RJ a legitimate actionable 'instinct' on the level of intuition is wrong, as long as it's really RJ.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

Firecat said:


> I see a lot of people on here responding to posters who worry about something in their spouse's past, saying it's just retroactive jealousy and nothing to worry about.
> 
> My view is different. I think we should trust our guts. A lot of the time we know in our gut when something is wrong. I think when jealousy flares up over a spouse's past partners, it's a sign of one of two things:
> 
> ...


 This isn’t retroactive jealousy.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

BRL said:


> This isn’t retroactive jealousy.


right, but it can look like it if the person isn't aware of what the real issue is.


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## MegaTbone (13 d ago)

Ok, so we all, except a very limited few, had a past with different partners. Like my wife and I. She had told me up front about her partners she had had sex with up front matter of fact. Np. Its when she asked me about mine, I balked to talk of it. I had been single, in the military and overseas. Partners were easy to get, very easy. She kept digging about and when I told her my guesstimate, she was shocked. She did for many years have a bit of RJ, along with feeling she being compared to previous partners. As to the RJ, she finally moved on. To this day, sometimes she has felt she was being compared to others due to my open approach behind closed doors and my dismay at her hangups regarding intimacy. Thats life, can't change our past. If you don't want the answers, then don't ask the questions.
I can fully understand when a partner reveals some of their sexual past and that they don't or won't do that now with their SO. This can become obsessive and detrimental to a relationship with mind movies, resentments and other things. The other flip is when one of the partners performed certain sexual acts with them prior to marriage, then stops with them no explanation, excuses and whatnot. This can, and does affect the other parties ego, self esteem and confidence as well, just as the RJ. In either case where this causing relationship issues, both partners should consider IC and Couples counceling or MC to work through these issues.
Cheating is a whole other cat to deal with, hence the forming of this forum many years ago.
Sorry just 25 cents worth.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

DownButNotOut said:


> Lying, deceit, and changing boundaries can all trigger RJ.
> 
> RJ is a very natural male reaction. I'm speaking as a male here.
> 
> ...


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

ConanHub said:


> Some OP's have been inappropriately labeled as suffering from RJ when it was really something else, not necessarily cheating, but usually dishonesty was involved by the offending spouse which is more often than not a woman.
> 
> Real RJ is unfortunately a real condition and I feel for those suffering from it. That sympathy is for both the man and woman in the relationship. Neither did anything wrong.


I think it is important to separate the trigger from the result.

Discovering some dishonesty is the trigger. Once you know about it though, even if you forgive the deceit, you have to deal with the RJ that then surfaces.

In other words, it can be both. The event is the trigger, the RJ is the result.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Firecat said:


> BigDaddy and Romantic_Dreamer, it sounds like you've both put in some thought and concluded it's not your gut telling you something is wrong.
> 
> That's great - I'm glad to hear. I think a lot of people haven't put in that thought and dismiss the idea.
> 
> ...


Of the three you listed I would say #3 is me.

Definitely not 1. I don't beleive it is 2 because I have zero jealousy about her one other sexual partner, the person she lost her virginity to. And we've had way more wild sex. The jealousy was directed at this other person, not my wife. And the issue was definitely playing scenarios over and over in my mind.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

DownButNotOut said:


> Discovering some dishonesty is the trigger. Once you know about it though, even if you forgive the deceit, you have to deal with the RJ that then surfaces.


Even omission can count as dishonesty, I was with a coworker and his new wife and she casually revealed she had a Japanese boyfriend before, it didn't go over well with him.

Other times I've seen where a old friend of the wife innocently tells a long ago story they both laugh while the husband goes quiet.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

DownButNotOut said:


> I think it is important to separate the trigger from the result.
> 
> Discovering some dishonesty is the trigger. Once you know about it though, even if you forgive the deceit, you have to deal with the RJ that then surfaces.
> 
> In other words, it can be both. The event is the trigger, the RJ is the result.


I don't think that's RJ, though. 

That's being upset about the dishonesty, no longer trusting your partner, and not knowing what else they did. 

Especially if you feel like you gave things up / compromised too much for the other person, or you haven't had a great sex life.

This is what I mean about the inner voice telling you something is wrong.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

TAMAT said:


> Even omission can count as dishonesty, I was with a coworker and his new wife and she casually revealed she had a Japanese boyfriend before, it didn't go over well with him.
> 
> Other times I've seen where a old friend of the wife innocently tells a long ago story they both laugh while the husband goes quiet.


1) Why was he upset about the Japanese boyfriend?

2) And that's really upsetting. Do you mean a sex story, or what about it disturbed him?


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