# If you had it to do all over again...



## BrownEyesBlue

...knowing what you know now, would you still marry your current spouse? Would you stay with him/her?

Been with my SO for 5 years. He's a good man & we are an ok couple. We are planning to get married but have a lot to work on. Not sure our "broken" can be fixed. How do you know it's worth it to work it out? 

I used to be head over heels for him but a lot has happened between us & I have a hard time letting my resentment go. How do you move forward? Honestly we'd both be sad if we split but life would go on for both of us.

Thank you.


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## Nomorebeans

If we had never had our son, I'd have to say no.

But because we do have our son, in spite of the divorce I've been going through and everything that led up to it, yes, I would do it all again. I'd try to do it better than I did on my end, and knowing from the beginning I had a narcissist on my hands might have given me some advantages - mainly just knowing the precise moment he started detaching from me, so I could go through the process with him instead of alone after he was already gone.

I just saw your other post, BEB. If you don't feel emotionally connected or in love with your fiancé any longer, do both of yourselves a favor and end it now.


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## Mr. Nail

Having posted on your other thread, I am invested enough to share on this one as well. Not knowing if your "broken" can be fixed is no place to start a marriage. 

I feel qualified to post on the long term success board because I have been married to my only wife for over 25 years, but to answer your main question, ".knowing what you know now, would you still marry your current spouse?" The answer is no. If I knew then what the effects of her love of sleep would be on my happiness, I would have never proposed. In fact I still say, openly, that I will never again marry (enter into a sexual relationship with) any person who values sleep more than sex.

I know that this does not exactly match your problem, but it is close. Likely closer than you think. You both have wildly different feelings about the role of sex in your relationship. Sex is so important to any realtionship that you should not ignore this red flag.

MN


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## BrownEyesBlue

NMB & Mr Nail, I should end it. But it USED to work. What can I do to get my head & heart back in it? My disconnect was/is the only way to (and obviously a lousy way) to prevent being hurt & try to stop reacting poorly to things he does. 

How can I reconnect & let the past go?


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## janesmith

absolutely.


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## Nomorebeans

BrownEyesBlue said:


> NMB & Mr Nail, I should end it. But it USED to work. What can I do to get my head & heart back in it? My disconnect was/is the only way to (and obviously a lousy way) to prevent being hurt & try to stop reacting poorly to things he does.
> 
> How can I reconnect & let the past go?


It's hard to know the full magnitude of what you're going through from a couple of Internet posts. I've made the mistake of projecting my own sh!t here more than a few times.

That said, you saying your disconnect is the only way to prevent you from being hurt by what he does is a huge red flag.

What does he do that makes you feel this way?


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## BrownEyesBlue

Communicating with & accepting inappropriate photos from an ex and keeping them on his phone. I was blown away that he could think that was ok. I've never said you can't be friends with an ex or talk to one. But pics of her bent over crossed a line for me. He apologized. 

I tried to be ok with the porn. Then I find out he's collecting pics of women & some exes on his phone. He's had to use porn a couple of times (I know about) to get aroused for us to have sex. I stayed on the horse, so to speak, but don't feel very sexy with him. He tells me a lot how attracted to me he is. But it doesn't make me feel the way I used to about him. I don't know how to fix this. 

He can be very arrogant & this makes me isolate even more. 
I'm no angel & don't claim to be perfect. I just hurt & I want it to stop.


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## Nomorebeans

BrownEyesBlue said:


> Communicating with & accepting inappropriate photos from an ex and keeping them on his phone. I was blown away that he could think that was ok. I've never said you can't be friends with an ex or talk to one. But pics of her bent over crossed a line for me. He apologized.
> 
> I tried to be ok with the porn. Then I find out he's collecting pics of women & some exes on his phone. He's had to use porn a couple of times (I know about) to get aroused for us to have sex. I stayed on the horse, so to speak, but don't feel very sexy with him. He tells me a lot how attracted to me he is. But it doesn't make me feel the way I used to about him. I don't know how to fix this.
> 
> He can be very arrogant & this makes me isolate even more.
> I'm no angel & don't claim to be perfect. I just hurt & I want it to stop.


I'm sorry, but I just have one word: Run.


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## unblinded

BrownEyesBlue said:


> ...*knowing what you know now, would you still marry your current spouse?* Would you stay with him/her?
> 
> Been with my SO for 5 years. He's a good man & we are an ok couple. We are planning to get married but have a lot to work on. Not sure our "broken" can be fixed. How do you know it's worth it to work it out?
> 
> I used to be head over heels for him but a lot has happened between us & I have a hard time letting my resentment go. How do you move forward? Honestly we'd both be sad if we split but life would go on for both of us.
> 
> Thank you.


I'd marry her without hesitation. She may have broken my heart in the end, but she shared in--and contributed to--the best years of my life (so far). We were in love for many years, and I wouldn't trade that for anything. Our problem, now, is that the past few months have been *so* bad that we both know we can never go back to the way it was...though we both wanted to.

If it's not in either of your hearts to work on this, it's best that you move on. I will keep you both in my thoughts.


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## WorkingWife

No, I would not.

And I knew things weren't optimal before I married him. I knew better. But I did it anyhow. For so many *bad *reasons, mainly just because we'd been together so long.... So many promises from him about how things were about to improve.... So much weakness and lack of clarity on my part...

I am not miserable and I do not plan to leave him, I do love him and I have some happiness in our relationship. But I am certain I could have been much happier with someone else that I was more compatible with, if I had just been able to break away.

If it's hard now before you're married, I'd think long and hard about going through with it. Definitely insist any changes/improvements need to be made (and sustained for some time) before saying I do. But honestly, feeling as you do now, I'd probably walk if I were in your shoes. I'd walk now (myself) if I hadn't said I do.


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## WorkingWife

BrownEyesBlue said:


> NMB & Mr Nail, I should end it. But it USED to work. What can I do to get my head & heart back in it? My disconnect was/is the only way to (and obviously a lousy way) to prevent being hurt & try to stop reacting poorly to things he does.
> 
> How can I reconnect & let the past go?


But if your head and heart are not in it, and you're not married yet, why are you trying to get them back into it?

Also: Red Alert! Warning! Warning! - You should not have to "prevent being hurt" by things he does. If the things he does hurt you - they hurt you. That is your reaction. The answer is not for you to try to be a different person who is not hurt by these things. The answer is for you to find someone who is disinclined to do things that hurt you, and for him to find someone who is not hurt by the things he does. (Judging by a post I saw below below about his collecting porn pictures from exes and others - good luck to him - I don't think any woman with a shred of self respect is going to be ok with that, serioulsy, WTF?! Get away from him.)


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## aine

Because of my two absolutely beautiful kids I would say yes, otherwise they wouldn't exist but if I hadn't had them I would have to say no, I have put up with too much s*** in the 27 years of knowing each other and the 23 years of marriage. To me married life could have been much more pleasant without his drinking especially. I gave up so much and now I am thinking and for what?


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## WorkingWife

BrownEyesBlue said:


> Communicating with & accepting inappropriate photos from an ex and keeping them on his phone. I was blown away that he could think that was ok. I've never said you can't be friends with an ex or talk to one. But pics of her bent over crossed a line for me. He apologized.
> 
> I tried to be ok with the porn. Then I find out he's collecting pics of women & some exes on his phone. He's had to use porn a couple of times (I know about) to get aroused for us to have sex. I stayed on the horse, so to speak, but don't feel very sexy with him. He tells me a lot how attracted to me he is. But it doesn't make me feel the way I used to about him. I don't know how to fix this.
> 
> He can be very arrogant & this makes me isolate even more. I'm no angel & don't claim to be perfect. I just hurt & I want it to stop.


You fix this by breaking up with him and never looking back. You are better with no one than him.

BTW, one thing I've noticed - the arrogant people are almost always covering for how UNaccomplished they actually are. The really good guys don't need to act better than others, the just quietly take care of business. And arrogance is not a nice personality trait to be in a relationship with. And you will find someday that as a couple no one wants to be around you either because the man you're trying so hard to love is obnoxious and people will not want to be around him once they really know him.


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## Fozzy

To answer your initial question--Yes I'd marry her again, but I'd do a lot of things different and avoid a lot of mistakes.

To answer the question you're really asking--No, I don't think you should stay married to a guy like your husband. He knows damned well that it's not ok to keep naked pictures of exes on his phone.


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## SimplyAmorous

When I think of what my life could have been had I not met my husband when I did ... beings I was a little lost back then.. how he handled me, loved me through it all... I generally feel it would not have gone as wonderful for me as it did.. I could have faced many hardships , feeling alone....Good men who want to marry & have a family aren't all that easy to find ...when we're young.. 

No relationship I've ever had brought me as much fulfillment as my marriage, he's my inspiration to be a better woman, a better Mother.. can't imagine my life without him in it...


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## Icey181

Quite literally a question I have been asking myself for the last few months.

Yes.

But I would change quite a few things (what did I know of relationships? dumb kid) and prime among them would be a long talk about physical intimacy at the beginning.


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## OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE

I am thinking about her as I write this...she crosses my mind a lot during the day. Has for the almost 30 years we have been together.
She no longer has a job outside of the home, but she has been busy all day.

She will be waiting for me when I get home. Warm smile, hug, kiss...

She knows that she is the special gift I received in my life. Not because I deserve her but because I love and need her.

The loves of my life are God, my wife, and my kids. In that order.

My only regret is that I could not have married her sooner. The years that we have left hardly seem like enough.


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## EllisRedding

In a heartbeat, wouldn't even think twice about it.


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## meson

Fozzy said:


> To answer your initial question--Yes I'd marry her again, but I'd do a lot of things different and avoid a lot of mistakes.
> 
> To answer the question you're really asking--No, I don't think you should stay married to a guy like your husband. He knows damned well that it's not ok to keep naked pictures of exes on his phone.


Ditto! What we did right was to test each other for real compatibility. Without that we would have never had the common basis to overcome the issues we had and which I would handle differently today.

It sounds like you don't have the fundamental compatibility that you should have in the first place.


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## richardsharpe

Good evening
My wife and I have a wonderful marriage - we enjoy each other's company, we don all sorts of things together, share so many quirky interests. We are in love and have been for 30 years.

But - our sex life has never been good, and frequently has been terrible. There is no way to know if I could have had a good life and a good sex life with someone else. I have many friends in unhappy marriages so I know I'm lucky.

I think though that unless things are otherwise wonderful, if there are problems early in a relationship it is better to leave.


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## BWBill

Wrong question.

Would I marry my wife again if I knew now what I didn't know then? Absolutely.

Would I have married her if I knew she had done what your SO has done? Absolutely not.


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## ChargingCharlie

No (and that also means that my kids won't be here). My kids are my world and I love being around them, but I don't like spending time with their almost 50-going on 13 year old, lazy mother.


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## lostmyreligion

Yeah - what the hell...

Practice makes perfect.


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## scatty

If I had to do it all over again, I would have said yes to my hubby's first proposal 2.5 years in. That way I don't have to explain that we've been together since 1989, but didn't marry until last year. People always ask "Why did it take you two so long?" and we tell them we just wanted to "make sure: after almost 25 years. That either stuns them into silence, or invites more awkward questioning.


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## Sure that could work

Why yes I would do it all again. Not to say some of it hasn't been the hardest things I have ever been through, but on the flip side there have been some really great things too. We didn't have very good role models from our parents marriages so it took us a while to figure out "our" marriage. Apparently we are slow learners because it took us the first 25 years to learn how to treat each other with respect. Since then it's been a walk in the park.

In your case I would run, run as fast as I could in the other direction. Sorry but he just isn't that into you or he has a strange mental image of what a relationship should be....you know two people only. And I agree your feelings are yours and they are valid. You can change the way you react to him but you really can't change your feelings about core values.


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## Maneo

for the thread question, Yes I would do it over again and with both the wonderful women I've been married to. 

However, i think the thrust of this thread has more to do with what the OP will do. We never have the full story on these forums nor can we ever fully understand the dynamics of some real life situation we only glimpse through a few words open to many interpretations. 

That being said, based on what has been shared by the OP, If it were me in that situation I think I'd not be moving into marriage and contemplating exiting altogether would be an option to consider.

How to recapture the feelings previously felt? Can you resolve the issues that broke those feelings and rebuild the trust once shared? What do you need? You clearly haven't been able to close the door on some past actions. Can you ever do so and, if so, once again the question, what do you need to do that?


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## Caribvistors

Do it again? Yes, without question every day again. Never been any regrets since the day we got married, at the time my wife was only 20 and I was 22. We had been exclusively together since she was 16. We have now been married over 40 years.

Not many wives would have allowed me to lead the life that my career brought me. She never once complained or put any undue family stress on me. At the same time I don't believe that I ever disrespected her and I am sure that she never went to sleep wondering if she was really deeply loved by her husband. Fortunately neither of us was afflicted by the "green monster" of jealousy. We never went to bed mad, so there were not any "lost" days in our relationship. What is often referred on this web site as a "rough patch" was never experienced in our marriage. Unless otherwise committed, we still go out for a nice dinner on date night every Saturday, a practice we started in our courtship days. 

She has always been my best friend and if I am not working you will rarely see without her, as I still love doing things with her. To me, she is truly a gift from God


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## Half Froggy

Absolutely would do it all over again. Been married more than 50 years. Though now the sex life has gone by the wayside because of illness and age, she is still my one and only love and i'm jut happy to be with her and cuddle and still kiss a little.


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## Dude007

nomorebeans said:


> i'm sorry, but i just have one word: Run.


bumping for emphasis, run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## moogvo

Yes.

Since my wife's affair 6 years ago, we have grown together and are stronger than ever. We have 3 more kids and really have a great relationship. I wouldn't trade her off for anything. I really should be packing for our camping trip that we are leaving on tomorrow morning but instead, I am here. LOL!

Remember that strong relationships are built on shared experience. Go do things together and enjoy each others' company.


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## SummerBreeze

No, I would not.


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## Fancie217

Yes I would do it again in a heart beat, but I have been with my husband over half my life and we have been through everything together. We have about as much in common as oil and water, and learning to get along at times has been tough, but even if we got divorced tomorrow I wouldn't regret any of it.


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## 4x4

Even though I'm ending a 17 year marriage, I would do it all over again. I just don't like second guessing the past. It's gone. I could have turned left instead of right one day and walked in front of a bus. Who knows. I'm here, I'm healthy, and I'm happy. I learned a lot about life these past 17 years, and I'll take them forward with me into the future.


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## Young at Heart

BrownEyesBlue said:


> ...knowing what you know now, would you still marry your current spouse? Would you stay with him/her?
> 
> Been with my SO for 5 years. He's a good man & we are an ok couple. We are planning to get married but have a lot to work on. *Not sure our "broken" can be fixed.* How do you know it's worth it to work it out?
> 
> I used to be head over heels for him but a lot has happened between us & *I have a hard time letting my resentment go. How do you move forward? *Honestly we'd both be sad if we split but life would go on for both of us.
> 
> Thank you.


A few thoughts, You are not going to change your spouse, only they can change themself. You can change yourself and that may cause your spouse to change, but it isn't guaranteed.

I would suggest you read three books before you many any serious decisions:

(1) M.W Davis Divorce Busting. This will give you some ideas on how to change yourself and the way you interact with the person you are contemplating marrying.

(2) Chapman's 5 Languages of Love. This will give you an understanding about how to make your partner feel loved and cherished in their love languages, not yours. It may also help you explain to your partner what you need from them to feel loved and cherished.

(3) Gottman's Love & Science of Marriage. This will help you understand some of the things that destroy a marriage and some rituals that will keep a marriage thriving.

A final thought, we are all human beings. Resentment isn't going to help with anything. If you learn to forgive, it will help you. A parnter knows from tone of voice, body language and looks when you are unhappy with them and that makes them not want to feel close to you. Loose the resentment, give love, and things might change a lot.

Good luck.


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## Forest

This thread/topic would be great to observe in the Coping With Infidelity section. Seriously.

Over the years I've had it pop into my mind, and always thought "yes". After finding out she cheated MANY years after the fact, my answer is, unfortunately "no". The long answer is "I just wish I'd never met her."


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## Hardtohandle

BrownEyesBlue said:


> Communicating with & accepting inappropriate photos from an ex and keeping them on his phone. I was blown away that he could think that was ok. I've never said you can't be friends with an ex or talk to one. But pics of her bent over crossed a line for me. He apologized.


As to your question.. I don't know.. I don't know if I could fix what was wrong with my Ex wife.. It is clearly something IN HER and SHE would have wanted to fix it.. I would say I would try and do things differently hoping the same time line didn't occur.. 

But as for that quote above.. 

Its not okay for him to talk to his Ex anything.. That is the reason they are Exes... Its not controlling.. Its not nothing.. I don't want my GF hanging out or talking or getting anything from a guy who used to put his d!ck in her.. Sorry.. Its a primal territory thing.. I would imagine back in the days cavemen would kill the other for his woman.. Not much different today.. 

Cut him loose and move on.. Go to therapy and learn what is broken in YOU to accept this sort of stuff and why you need this in your life.. Once you do that you will grow a pair to get rid of him.. If it worked for me, it will work for anyone..


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## The Cro-Magnon

BrownEyesBlue said:


> ...knowing what you know now, would you still marry your current spouse? Would you stay with him/her?
> 
> Been with my SO for 5 years. He's a good man & we are an ok couple. We are planning to get married but have a lot to work on. Not sure our "broken" can be fixed. How do you know it's worth it to work it out?
> 
> I used to be head over heels for him but a lot has happened between us & I have a hard time letting my resentment go. How do you move forward? Honestly we'd both be sad if we split but life would go on for both of us.
> 
> Thank you.


Not only would I not have married my ex wife if I had my time over, I would not marry any woman. The pain and trauma and grief of losing everything and being crushed inside, of not being able to see your son at night or read him his bedtime book, even though you did nothing wrong, and your son did nothing wrong. 

Not worth it.


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## sisters359

I would want my children without the marriage  I don't regret the marriage, but I do regret letting my unhappiness last as long as it did. I got married for the wrong reasons (mostly, just wanted to be married, as stupid as that seems to me today). He's a good person but a bad husband. Good "Disney dad," crappy "day-to-day" dad. I'm glad he's in my kids' lives. 

It's really an impossible question; you either take the leap of faith or you don't. And even if you have some doubts (doesn't almost everyone, at some point?), the only thing that really matters is, do you grow together or grow apart?

Good luck!


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## Cleaver Brooks

Nope, thinking of correcting my mistake as a matter of fact... hard row to hoe.


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## Cleaver Brooks

Its 'funny' looking back, I can recognize umpteen off ramps that I just let sail on by. I guess I was too young and too dumb to see them for what they were..


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## McDean

The chances of my current marriage lasting past the next six months is probably less than 50/50 but that being said I would still chose to do it all again but would definitely try to do it better. If we do last, I will also work hard to do it better. The people we become over a lifetime have as much to do with bad decisions as good, bad times and good, moving backwards and forwards etc....

However, reading your other thread and how you started this one, seems like you're going through the motions if you move forward with the marriage....


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## Married but Happy

Regarding my first wife, I would not. I'm sorry I even met her, and happy I divorced her.

This time, most definitely. I wish I'd met her first, not just 15 years ago. Life with her is wonderful.


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## giddiot

I love my children and grandchildren tremendously, however I would not do it over again. I fell for the the first girl I dated seriously and didn't give myself the opportunity to see what was out there. I was engaged at 17 believe it or not. Now I have been married for going on 36 years but it is more of a roommate situation than a marriage.


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## Lovey011

Personally I wouldn't.. Like you I loved my SO and we had so much history together, along with baggage. I also felt like "so much has happened between us" that I wasn't sure about "forever". 
But when he asked me to marry him I said yes dispite my hesitation. I loved him and wasn't really ready to "leave" yet either. So when I mention on all the work we still had to do and he said that he would change I chose to believe it. In my heart I knew it wasn't a good decision but I was too scared to do anything else. 
Now I'm 3,yrs in and we are trying marriage counciling because it's either that or divorce. 
If I could give any advice it would be this: 
You owe it to yourself and to the person you marry to start a marriage 100% all in. Having "lots of stuff to work on" is starting your marriage at a deficit. Don't ignore your feeling.


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## November

I'm one that would say definitely NOT. I made a mistake marrying her as we brought some issues that were not solve prior, into the marriage..... and we really never "clicked". There was no honeymoon stage and no wild infatuation and outstanding sex to start with... but it was "ok".

However, after 42 years, we did learn to care and love each other, and enjoyed a LOT of good ties together. She was very willing to do what I wanted, but I was very careful with doing things that I though she would like, and for the most part... worked.

However, sex was fair at best and never got to the point that I expected it... HUGE disappointment. And she had a few habits that I absolutely hated... like smoking, and she just never quit. On that alone we should have never been married. She also drank too much and eventually brought us to divorce. However, she solved that and we're back together, and partly because neither one of us wanted to enter the dating field at our age and we really did know each other. 

We did have a wonderful kid that turned out great, and that was well worth it.

We do sincerely care for each other and are honest with each other and we are "known" quantities. We get along quite well, but could just a well be room mates. The excitement and passion that I've always wanted was never there..... however, came close.

No, I'd not do it again.


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