# Don't take it personally. It's not about you.



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It seems like feelings get hurt on TAM when we take what other people say as some kind of reflection on us. We give them power that they don't really have. What they say really has more to do with their own life and experiences than with ours. 

I'm really glad when people speak openly and honestly. I think we learn a lot more when we disagree than when we agree. Saying what people like to hear is not really as helpful as saying what we really and truly believe. 

How do you avoid taking things personally, while still learning from others?


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## Peachie (Jul 10, 2014)

I listen and try to see the reasoning in the advise given. 

Then I chuck it out the window, and find someone who actually agrees with me. 

:kidding:


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Peachie said:


> I listen and try to see the reasoning in the advise given.
> 
> Then I chuck it out the window, and find someone who actually agrees with me.
> 
> :kidding:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

IS THIS THREAD ABOUT ME?!!


WELL!! I never!! HARRUMMPHH!!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> IS THIS THREAD ABOUT ME?!!
> 
> 
> WELL!! I never!! HARRUMMPHH!!




Okay, lots of laughs coming our way in this thread . . .


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

jld said:


> It seems like feelings get hurt on TAM when we take what other people say as some kind of reflection on us. We give them power that they don't really have. What they say really has more to do with their own life and experiences than with ours.
> 
> I'm really glad when people speak openly and honestly. I think we learn a lot more when we disagree than when we agree. Saying what people like to hear is not really as helpful as saying what we really and truly believe.
> *
> How do you avoid taking things personally, while still learning from others?*


*
*
You do this by having maturity and not doing the internet tough guy/lady thing. Something a few are lacking here. But this site does some good and did for me. I hope it will continue to do so for those who come here in need of help


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> [/B]
> You do this by having maturity and not doing the internet though guy/lady thing. Something a few are lacking here. But this site does some good and did for me. I hope it will continue to do so for those who come here in need of help


"internet though guy/lady thing"

typo? and/or what do you mean?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> "internet though guy/lady thing"
> 
> typo? and/or what do you mean?


Yeah, I was wondering that, too.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes, it is also easy to come on and want sympathy and everybody to agree with you..I admit I have wanted that as well many times however sometimes the differing opinion is good in that I know for myself, it lets me see a different view point of a situation.

Sometimes you need that jolt of hmmmm..maybe I should reframe my thinking on this.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

nuclearnightmare said:


> "internet though guy/lady thing"
> 
> typo? and/or what do you mean?


Meant to be tough. Fixed it


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

I feel a lack of tolerance from many who post here, especially as relates to those with more conservative (for want of a better word) beliefs about sex. That includes certain moderators. It's difficult not to take it personally when reading comments about how your beliefs are "wrong", or "silly", or "your problem", and the like.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think many people come on here to vent and not to seek unbiased opinions, they just want unconditional support. I always take that into consideration when I reply to a post, but sometimes it makes it difficult to respond with what seems like the best advice. I am very logical in my thinking and always try to see an issue from both sides even though on here you only get one side of the story, but I know I have ruffled some feathers with my replays by trying to show the other side of the issue.

Personally I have been on the receiving end of both supportive and disparaging post, I never get offended though. I figure anyone who doesn't see things my way is just an idiot and shouldn't be taken seriously


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

jaharthur said:


> I feel a lack of tolerance from many who post here, especially as relates to those with more conservative (for want of a better word) beliefs about sex. That includes certain moderators. It's difficult not to take it personally when reading comments about how your beliefs are "wrong", or "silly", or "your problem", and the like.


I think it's really important that you post, anyway. Always say what you think. A lot of people read that never comment or put on a like. Those people are probably benefiting from your opinion.

Nobody really has the answers. We are all just learning.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Cooper said:


> I think many people come on here to vent and not to seek unbiased opinions, they just want unconditional support. I always take that into consideration when I reply to a post, but sometimes it makes it difficult to respond with what seems like the best advice. I am very logical in my thinking and always try to see an issue from both sides even though on here you only get one side of the story, but I know I have ruffled some feathers with my replays by trying to show the other side of the issue.


I think you have done people a service then, if you have tried to show the other side. It's a thankless job, but somebody has to do it. 

People want to believe they are always right. It's reassuring. 

If we don't feel good about ourselves, we can't hear an opposing opinion. It's too threatening.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

jld said:


> How do you avoid taking things personally, while still learning from others?


I take things personally frequently. For me the trick is to only reply to facts, a logical point or the conclusion. After awhile of back and forth the discussion often becomes circular and I back out silently. I don't reply for the person making the comments but rather for others to read another point of view. I write for them mostly when things become personal. When someone is lashing out with displaced anger from their experience little that I say will change their thoughts so I don't attempt to. 

I have also said things that were not directed that people take personally or expand the implication. When I detect this I try to explain the context and my lack of intent. I felt real bad last year when I made what I thought was an innocuous statement about people without children that was taken as a judgement when it was not. I didnt see their offense until the thread was dead.

So likewise I try to remember that some may not understand that their statements can be considered offensive and as a result I don't jump all over them for it. 

Then there are the TAMbaters, the people who get off on inciting others until they get enough of a response report that they should be banned. I stay away from these posters.

I have said some harsh things to OPs but I try to stick to replying to the facts as I see them rather than making judgemental statements. If they don't take it well I back out. I remember one poster to whom I said they were having an affair. It invoked a tirade that lasted for hours. But they never said anything directed towards me personally but I could tell I pissed them off so much I stayed out of the thread after that. 

For as much as my wife and I get along we get angry with each other from time to time. So I try to think of that when a poster makes me angry. It's just not about that one post but the totality of their posts.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

jaharthur said:


> I feel a lack of tolerance from many who post here, especially as relates to those with more conservative (for want of a better word) beliefs about sex. That includes certain moderators. It's difficult not to take it personally when reading comments about how your beliefs are "wrong", or "silly", or "your problem", and the like.


Yep

TAM where your personal view points, feelings and thought can just straight out be wrong


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Yep
> 
> TAM where your personal view points, feelings and thought can just straight out be wrong


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'll play the girl card and say "I don't want your help, I want you to stand there seeing me watch you as I scream about it."


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jld said:


> *It seems like feelings get hurt on TAM when we take what other people say as some kind of reflection on us. We give them power that they don't really have. What they say really has more to do with their own life and experiences than with ours*.


 Jld ....I appreciate your thoughts here.. what you say is sooo very TRUE... for all of us... can we grasp it when others speak...(I fall into a hole too & take things more personally than was ever meant- I have my moments...getting better though -I hope!)

I can point to so many things in my upbringing -that made me Cringe...Fear...I didn't want to walk that path.....Or I wanted my life to be JUST LIKE THIS Families.....our experiences ....of pain and /or Joy.... they shape us, mold us...and it does so influence our opinions/ views of TODAY.. and as Lila said.. our feelings and expression of those are purely "subjective"...it's personal to us..but it stops there...it's not meant to apply to all ...as we all are so different, and care and desire different things. in life, love, happiness and our sense of purpose..

Found this to explain the difference between Subjective opinions vs Objective facts ...



> Being subjective is the opposite of being objective.
> 
> When you say you are being "*subjective*" at something, it means that you give comments or give value to something based on your feelings. Its more of a moral judgement. It is a statement that is based on emotions, feelings, perceptions, and one's beliefs. There is no FACTUAL basis for your judgement.
> 
> When you are "*objective*", there is a FACTUAL basis for your comments or statement for that matter. Meaning to say, you can back up your statement with known facts (something that is observable or concrete, and known to all) and is able to view things in different perspectives.


Example :












> *I'm really glad when people speak openly and honestly. I think we learn a lot more when we disagree than when we agree. Saying what people like to hear is not really as helpful as saying what we really and truly believe.
> 
> How do you avoid taking things personally, while still learning from others?*


Being a more sensitive woman, I can be offended in a moment.. I can feel slighted and take it to heart.. might even feel a fist to my stomach... then another day, I can laugh it off...and think nothing of it at all... maybe I am Bi-polar.. or it just wasn't "shark week" (as husband calls pms)...

I consider myself very logically minded though....I WANT to hear all sides to an issue.. I am not one to close another down, I want them to SPEAK and fully.. so I can weigh all sides ...even if I don't agree with them.. I want to understand...

I near worship honesty.. I don't want to hear pandering







-or someone agreeing just to save face....if they really have an issue...I want them to bring it forth so we can reason together.. if you are my friend, my Lover, my child, my co-worker.. my foe...I still want genuineness...authenticity ... it surely helps when the attitude is respectful though.. (this is half the battle when we disagree)...

There is no true understanding or resolution when we cut another off and refuse to listen-because we have put up a wall. 

I found this on the net.. it pretty much captures how I look upon these matters....what I carry in the back of my mind.. when offenses come... it's a daily walk really...and I still stumble at times.. 



> *The Art of Not Being Offended*...
> 
> There is an ancient and well-kept secret to happiness which the Great Ones have known for centuries. They rarely talk about it, but they use it all the time, and it is fundamental to good mental health. This secret is called The Fine Art of Not Being Offended. In order to truly be a master of this art, one must be able to see that every statement, action and reaction of another human being is the sum result of their total life experience to date. In other words, the majority of people in our world say and do what they do from their own set of fears, conclusions, defenses and attempts to survive. Most of it, even when aimed directly at us, has nothing to do with us. Usually, it has more to do with all the other times, and in particular the first few times, that this person experienced a similar situation, usually when they were young.
> 
> ...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SA, that Art of Not Being Offended should be a sticky. Thank you so much for posting it.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I near worship honesty.. I don't want to hear pandering
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I read TAM to learn and understand. If posters explain themselves then I learn and my understanding improves. I don't need posters to agree with me (of course I like it) but I really do want to know why. Several of my favorite posters have positions I don't agree with but they state them well so that I understand their point of view and be mindful that others think that as well.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I agree, meson. I have learned a ton here. And there are many people I learn from whose views I do not necessarily agree with.

If we are not going to have an open mind, we are not going to learn anything, though. If we get defensive, we will miss a lot.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> IS THIS THREAD ABOUT ME?!!
> 
> 
> WELL!! I never!! HARRUMMPHH!!


Of course it is. Everything is about that bouncing turtle. 

You never? Somehow, I doubt that... shall we ask Mrs. AR?

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## MidwestDave (Jun 18, 2009)

jld said:


> It seems like feelings get hurt on TAM when we take what other people say as some kind of reflection on us. We give them power that they don't really have. What they say really has more to do with their own life and experiences than with ours.
> 
> I'm really glad when people speak openly and honestly. I think we learn a lot more when we disagree than when we agree. Saying what people like to hear is not really as helpful as saying what we really and truly believe.
> 
> How do you avoid taking things personally, while still learning from others?


I have been participating in various forums and online debates for so long that I have gotten used to the ranters and trolls and flamers, and the people who like to disagree and argue. None of that bothers me at all, why would I take it personally? 

This is one of the very best forums out there. Most people that post here take the time to write coherently and I think most are sincere. Always learn a lot and get some good insight whether the responder agrees or disagrees or offers opinion or advice that I might not agree with.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jld said:


> SA, that Art of Not Being Offended should be a sticky. Thank you so much for posting it.


It's actually one of my old threads ~ I just skipped the link ...



> *Meson said* : Several of my favorite posters have positions I don't agree with but they state them well so that I understand their point of view and be mindful that others think that as well.


 I can say this as well... they challenge my thinking... and my eyes have been opened in some areas I never entertained before...and I respect them for laying it out there as truthful as their experience has given them.... they may even take some heat for it from others...but they are true to themselves ..in light of their experiences....there is always some learning in this... (or should be)....I can respect that -even if we may disagree in our views .. 

it's an









(I can be friends with someone like that even.. we don't need to be cardboard copies of each other- but in marriage, it helps to have the fundamentals pretty in sync)...



> *MidwestDave said* : I have been participating in various forums and online debates for so long that I have gotten used to the ranters and trolls and flamers, and the people who like to disagree and argue. None of that bothers me at all, why would I take it personally?


 Now that IS the attitude - I love forums and debates too, some people like Games.. some of us like a heated conversation! - what can you do! 



> This is one of the very best forums out there. Most people that post here take the time to write coherently and I think most are sincere. Always learn a lot and get some good insight whether the responder agrees or disagrees or offers opinion or advice that I might not agree with.


 I feel exactly the same.. TAM rocks ! I have checked out every darn marriage /sex forum on the net, tried to leave a handful of times...but I'd get bored elsewhere ...as the quality of posters HERE...really...none can hold a candle to !!


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

I think a lot of people do that, especially online, here or on social media. Even if not stated directly TO them, or quoted from them, they see themselves somewhere in the posting and are ready to respond as if they were called out.

There are extremes of this self-centered-ness and varying degrees of it being more typical. 

One time years ago a woman was offended because someone put a flier on her car in the parking lot about a weight-loss clinic and she actually thought someone was targeting her specifically. She got really mad, never stopping to think, 'hey , hundreds of other people got this too!'

Also, when someone's hackles are up , as on here when posters have been bickering, rehashing and trying to make sure they got the last word, it's easy to assume the worst of everyone and take offense where none is intended. 

Sometimes it's wise to employ the emoticon (something I used to hate) so someone knows you are kidding, being sarcastic, trying to be funny or are really trying to be nice and sincere.

Words can hurt or help, depending on how you use them, or take them.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

PamJ said:


> *Words can hurt or help, depending on how you use them, or take them.*


Reminds me of this scripture (not pushing religion) - it's one I've always tried to carry ....


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

The thing is, SA, we don't always realize that the words of healing sometimes _hurt _ before they heal.


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## Nemo9nemo (Aug 16, 2013)

I've been always only wanting to read and learn from others in TAM as I always found some posters don't really understand the OP 's problems .
I wouldn't want to reply either as I couldn't put myself in the op shoes , I'm no better person myself.
I also always feel "worry" or "intimidated" to those very "disturbing"or ignorant replies from some posters, for that reasons,I don't vent here anymore.
Some posters simply don't read the whole post of the op and they were doing lots of assumptions in their replies. Besides, some of us ( of course including myself) just can't express in English well enough, when some words or not the right words were used, the op got picked on, is just make the situation worse. Nah...I give it up :sleeping:


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Well, sometimes it is actually personal though. I've been a target and I've targeted people I think are liars, or hypocrites. I don't let stuff go and stupidity and hypocrisy irritate me.

And I use the semi-anonymity of the Internet to be much more direct than I would be in person. I've told people to stop interacting with me, that I dislike them and not to like my posts. I've told people I've lost respect for them. 

It's partly because a year ago I found out about all kinds of things that happen behind the scenes here. Before I always thought people were mostly who they said they were. Not the case at all. So now I assume everyone's a liar, which is wrong too. In fact, I was sure you were one, jld. But I think I was wrong. I disagree with you about an awful lot, but I don't think you're making things up anymore. 

So, sorry, for what it's worth.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Lyris said:


> It's partly because a year ago I found out about all kinds of things that happen behind the scenes here. Before I always thought people were mostly who they said they were. Not the case at all. So now I assume everyone's a liar, which is wrong too. *In fact, I was sure you were one, jld. But I think I was wrong. I disagree with you about an awful lot, but I don't think you're making things up anymore.
> 
> So, sorry, for what it's worth*.


Very touched by your words here Lyris .... one of the reasons I felt so comfortable meeting Jld in real life was -her strong stance on openness and honesty... plus I sensed she was very humble....she allowed herself to be a target even.... to take a heap of ridicule -just to stay true to herself.. 

How can you not respect someone like that... even if you don't always agree.. it's a rare find in today's society, so I feel..


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I take direct attacks or accusations personally. In fact,I made a pretty nasty aggressive post to a now banned member the other day bc the person was being really rude. I don't like being aggressive and nasty with people though. It makes me feel low and angry...off center somehow.

In general I don't take anything else personally. It helps to realize most people carry the weight of their lives on their mind every day,all the time. Some lives weigh more than others. Those people struggle a bit more and lash out occasionally. That's on them though,not me.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Some people like things sugar coated, and some people hate it. 

I'm a hater. This may make conversations more difficult, and SOMEBODY might get their feelings hurt.... usually the one who likes "talking nice". I prefer blunt... I feel like it's extra work to peel away all the "nice". I have to get through all the pc, fluff, sympathy wanting, empathy seeking....not bs, but EXTRA stuff.... just to figure out WHAT DO YOU WANT? 

Many times I don't reply just for that reason. The OP seems like they either can't handle, or won't listen to "blunt". It will offend them. And ya, I understand that they are hurt or confused, and maybe even more sensitive than an average person.... but if I can't figure out how to relate to them, then I just don't. 

Besides, I don't understand how strangers on the internet could offend me. They don't know me well enough to offend me. They don't know what is in my heart and soul, in my head, in my past....

If you put problems out there for the whole world to read and discuss, why would you think everyone will be gentle, understanding and sensitive to your feelings? (That sounds jaded, but it's not.... realistic is how I would describe it.)


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

I learned this the hard way over the years.

Try to take everything with a grain of salt; If it it was online then even more so!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think when we are as open and honest as possible, even if it hurts the other person's feelings, it really is a gift to them. Not everyone in real life is going to be as open and honest and blunt as we can be on the Internet.

It's also a gift to ourselves to be open and honest with people. Then they can show us where our thinking is inaccurate. 

Really, both people in an exchange benefit from openness and honesty. But they have to be able to hear it.

When we get defensive, that's usually a sign that we are not willing to look at something unpleasant in ourselves. And that is probably _exactly _the thing we need to be looking at, if we truly want to get healthier, and not just feel like a victim.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I have a hard time relating to sensitive people. I am an aloof bastard, which has served me well at times, but it can also be a problem.

Especially in the internet. Unless you've met the person for real, these people don't KNOW you. 

So if you take major offense against something an internet person said about you, I really believe that is more a reflection on how you feel about yourself. 

I've had my share of attacks - I listen, see if I can learn from them or change my behavior for the better. If not, then I ignore it and move on to the next thing.

And that's not to say I haven't been riled up by something before. Definitely have. But it's very rare. Usually it involves a more general issue/statement though.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Gabriel said:


> So if you take major offense against something an internet person said about you, I really believe that is more a reflection on how you feel about yourself.


:iagree: 

Being offended is usually just our pride talking. If we get upset, we need to look hard at the kernel of truth that upset us.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I have been directly and indirectly (though it was obvious) attacked, bullied and stalked on TAM by posters who have been considered upstanding and genuine people. I have been lied to and jerked around by them, too.

Sometimes it is definitely personal.

It doesn't offend me, it pisses me off.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I have been directly and indirectly (though it was obvious) attacked, bullied and stalked on TAM by posters who have been considered upstanding and genuine people. I have been lied to and jerked around by them, too.
> 
> Sometimes it is definitely personal.
> 
> It doesn't offend me, it pisses me off.


Anger is usually the second emotion. 

It can help to talk it out. Helps me, anyway.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Talk what out with who?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Talk what out with who?


Your feelings. With anyone you want.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

My feelings of being mad about being stalked and harassed and bullied here at TAM? I have done so, with others who have received the same treatment (from the same harassers).

I'm fine with it now, just have to accept it as there is nothing that will change.

I just posted here to say that sometimes it is personal.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Turnera wrote this to me earlier. I was thinking about starting a new thread, but I thought I would just added to this one. I hope that's okay, turnera. 

_You ALWAYS try to be compassionate, yet you often frustrate people here with your inability to see anyone's viewpoint but your own. If people would only just be more compassionate, stronger, smarter, less affected by harsh words, the way YOU do it, everyone would have no problems, like YOU. I have problems, turnera. The only way I know how to truly resolve them is to be as honest and open as possible about what I think they are. And then try to put together some kind of action plan to deal with them.

I don't want to be dependent on other people, turnera. If I let the way other people talk to me or treat me determine how I feel about myself and what I do, I will be giving them my power. I don't want to do that. I want my freedom.

I know, I know, you do have problems, we don't know your background. That doesn't stop you from completely invalidating people who don't do things the way you do. Maybe I do need to do more validation, more reflecting the feeling, before I give advice. Everyone wants to feel understood, and appreciated. 

IMO, your plan, your method is great. In a vacuum. It doesn't take into account people's FOOs, their personal inadequacies, their addictive personalities, their low self esteem, their codependency, their cultural differences. I have/had all those things, turnera! 

You struggled, you overcame, you had an amazing husband dropped in your lap who instantly loved you and never hurt you, and, guess what? Therefore, it's easy for you to say 'just do what I did!' The difference is that most of the rest of us have not had the good grace to have a great husband/wife dropped in our life and thus have our marriage be AMAZING like yours (and I'm not discussing family illnesses, etc., which many people have to deal with, too). Instead, we've faced difficulties on top of our personal issues and struggled to come out a better person. You VERY often just dismiss this and then argue with people who say 'it's not that easy.' Maybe for you, it IS easy because you have an amazing support system. Many of US...don't. You feel like if you had a husband like mine, your life would be like mine?

Maybe I need to talk more about his shortcomings. 

He really has been a gift to me, turnera. Dug really was exactly what I needed when I met him. But like every other wife, there are things I've had to accept about Dug, too. And maybe I need to be more honest and open about that.

And I am definitely the communication leader in our home. I'm the talker. I'm the one modeling the active listening for the kids. I'm the one reading the parenting books.


So since you seem to be all about learning and growing - as you continuously espouse to US - maybe this would be a great place for you to do some introspection and see if you are, indeed, being as helpful and compassionate and empathetic as you think you are. Because I'll tell you - you're leaving a trail of people here with bad tastes in their mouths. I have no room to speak because my 'method' is to be brutally honest from MY viewpoint, but you're asking, so I'm explaining. I think brutal honesty is the best. Cuts to the chase!

And I think that you're also right that a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down. I think I need to try to remember to get that spoonful into my posts.

I know the things I say are not easy to do, turnera. They are not easy for me, either. And they are hardly my own original thoughts!

I believe that the best ideas about conflict resolution come from the empowerment model. But it takes tremendous patience and self-discipline to implement them. I certainly struggle with them myself! 

But I think we need to encourage people to do the things that are best going to serve them, even if those things are hard, and demand humility, and require selflessness. And we need to be the models!

JMHO. I really appreciate hearing it, turnera. . Whenever we share our honest feeling with someone, it truly is a gift to them.

We are all just learning here on TAM. We're all just sharing our opinions with one another. No one really has the exact answers for anyone's situation. But I really do think we are trying to help._


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I think you totally missed the point of what Turnera was saying. 

Lots of people here have said that you say you believe and understand that not everyone is like you or needs what you need. But it's lip-service. You clearly don't really believe that, because the way you post still shows us that you feel that if only everyone did everything the way you do it, they would be happy. 

For example, I hate active listening. It sounds insincere to me. I don't use it, and I don't like it when anyone uses it on me. Plus, from the examples you've given - the budget one springs to mind - you don't want to be listened to, you want to be agreed with and for people to do what you want.

And the way you use the word 'we' is annoying. I'm not just learning on TAM. Occasionally I learn something useful, but I'm mostly here for entertainment and to offer my opinion if I think it would be helpful or if I think someone is wrong. 

It's another example of you taking your own feelings and motivations and extending them to everyone else.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Well, maybe I just cannot see it. Maybe it will come with time. Or maybe we will always just disagree.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

This is a good thread, jld. Thanks for starting it. 

I'm lucky--I have an easy time not taking things personally on anonymous internet forums. Still, I cannot bring myself to treat anyone here--even those posters whose views I find offensive--with acrimony. It makes me feel like I've only hurt myself. So, I guess you could say that I'm pretty selfish, in a way. I don't like to later feel bad about things I said. I don't even like it when I've used a clever zinger to sting someone I think is being unreasonable. TAM daily offers me a forum to practice my self control and ability to temper emotion that, if let loose, only serves to make me feel regret later. Of course, when I feel regret, I try and use that as an opportunity to practice humility by offering an apology. 

I do stop short of offering my personal opinion of others here. I feel that doing so is a distraction and doesn't contribute to the purpose of TAM. I'm pretty good at ignoring posts and posters that I think don't warrant a response (not perfect, but I try.) I've never felt the need to use the "ignore" function, but I suppose I should never say never. 

I've found that, with time, I often come to understand where posters are coming from. I might not agree with them, but we all come from our own set of experiences that color our world views. There are some posters here whose ideas have really blown the lid of of some of my preconceived notions. You are one of them, jld. You are tenacious, and I'm impressed with how you've withstood much of the reaction you received here. I hope you don't change too much.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I should also say that I have met people here who I genuinely treasure as friends. So they more than make up for finding out that other people were sleazy, lying hypocrites.

As for the attacking and arguing within threads, well that doesn't bother me as I can more than hold my own. It doesn't do much to contradict my high opinion of my own intelligence though.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Personal, there is a lot of weird stuff that goes on in a forum this big, and I can say that I've seen similar on other big forums like this one. 

You'll be fine. Just beware of weird PM's.

(ps...I just sent you a PM)

Lol!


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

I have a hard time with worrying about what people think about me. I've always been a people pleaser and I hate to displease anyone. So, if someone says something negative to me, I will think I have displeased them and that will bother me above all.

I especially have a hard time with that since I am one of the more conservative posters. I believe in no sex before marriage, no porn, and staying with your spouse unless they have committed adultery. I think that a lot of people don't like that, and in return, think less of me, and that really bothers me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It's pretty normal to want people to like you. But is it more important to you than speaking your own truth?


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Speaking my truth and staying true to my faith is much more important to me. It's just hard to face the consequences of not being liked because of it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ariel_angel77 said:


> Speaking my truth and staying true to my faith is much more important to me. It's just hard to face the consequences of not being liked because of it.


It's pretty hard to stand alone. Most need support. 

In my early months here, some folks were really mean to me. But I had a core group of friends that was always supportive. Even when they disagreed with what I thought, they supported my right to say it. 

I'm stronger now, and I can stand on my own. But I really don't know what I would've done in those early days without my really good friends.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ariel_angel77 said:


> *Speaking my truth and staying true to my faith is much more important to me. It's just hard to face the consequences of not being liked because of it*.


And I appreciate your honesty in this ariel.. MANY feel this way, you are not alone. I am a more conservative poster though more liberal than you for sure .. funny thing with me is.. I take the heat on BOTH sides.. I sometimes feel like a Square peg trying to fit into a round hole, I went on a christian forum once only to be thrown off in a few hours, they took my questions - sincere as they were , and threw me to the dogs.. so I thought 'the heck with it, TAM may get on my nerves at times but at least we have the freedom to speak any way we FEEL or believe.. so long as we can withstand the naysayers.

When I was younger I had less TACT.. my friends told me I used to intimidate them.. I can be Brutally blunt if I am not careful.. but I know this can Divide and cause mountainous offenses if I am not careful how to use my words in getting something across...I have considerably grown in this.. the only good thing about it is .. I understand and am not shocked by the BLUNT posters.. sometimes I find them wholly amusing.. 

BUT....I WANT to be sensitive to the more sensitive posters HERE.. why would I want to throw them under the bus.. I don't feel that those with tougher skins are somehow superior to those without... if that makes any sense.. 

People are people... we all have good and bad within.. I care how I influence.. I think that is a good thing. Not bad. 

I tend to feel people HERE surely are more open and honest where anonymity allows for this freedom... If /When I find a thread where I can help someone with a deeper understanding...through experiences lived or just what I have learned over the years reading sooo many books... I feel compelled to open that up and offer some insight, I just ENJOY it.... 

I tend to get side tracked on these opinion threads too much though... the allure for a little debate is strong in me...and it's really a wasting of my time.. Writing is an addiction of mine.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

SA, expressing myself through writing has a strong appeal to me, too. I understand the "addiction." 

One other thing that occurred to me about why I don't take TAM personally is that I don't ever fully invest myself or my emotions in the _people_ here. I think I instinctively remain reserved, to a certain degree, from becoming invested to a point that I could ever be hurt. It's not something I do consciously, but when I think about it, I see that it is true. I suppose it's because I do start out with the assumption that any of the people I meet here I can never trust fully. I don't feel like I can ever really *know* any of you. Even the folks here that I feel very comfortable with--there is always a voice in the back of my head reminding me that it's a leap of faith when it comes to anonymous forums like this. If I logged on tomorrow to find that someone who I was fairly comfortable with had been exposed as a fraud, for example, it really wouldn't affect me much beyond mild surprise and some head shaking and wonderment about just what type of person does that sort of thing. I wouldn't feel hurt, because I'd never put forth enough here in order to be hurt. And it wouldn't change my posting style here, or my sense of how I like to treat others--even others who might not be who they say they are. How I treat others has everything to do with how I feel about myself, not how I feel about them. 

I think I guard against getting hurt in real life in the same way. Maybe I'm naturally cautious when it comes to getting to know people. I do hold a little bit back, except for a few very close, personal friendships and my immediate family. The few people who have earned my complete and utter trust could hurt me very, very badly. I won't cede even an ounce of that power to anyone on the internet.

That being said, I try to treat everyone with respect and focus on the issues and scenarios they are asking for help with. Sometimes I think I do say disrespectful and dismissive things, and I don't like it when I do that. Usually I am good about bowing out when I feel I can no longer be productive, and that my investment in a thread has become more about me than about the issue at hand. 

Sometimes I think I come across as aloof. I don't keep a friend list, and I usually don't respond to PMs that offer opinions about other posters or the culture here. It's not that I mind the PMs so much as that I have found myself much better served to observe and form my own opinions. I really am here for the issues and the topic of marriage in general, not to socialize. I think drama will happen, and although I'm sometimes curious about it, it's not something I bother with. 

There are a handful posters here who I have opened up to and whose opinions and advice I value. Whether or not we'd be friends IRL is hard to say--I really don't feel like I "know" them. But as far as internet-style friendships go, I am surely grateful to them, and hope I give as good as I get.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

jld said:


> It's pretty hard to stand alone. Most need support.
> 
> In my early months here, some folks were really mean to me. But I had a core group of friends that was always supportive. Even when they disagreed with what I thought, they supported my right to say it.
> 
> I'm stronger now, and I can stand on my own. But I really don't know what I would've done in those early days without my really good friends.


I have no issue with what you are saying here, I just can't relate to it. "Friends" are the people I know by flesh and blood that can clink my glass at the table, who can hug me when one is needed. 

Here on TAM, we may find common ground with other folks here, get supportive comments, etc. And that can be helpful, but internet friends are not the same.

I have my "favorites" and their comments mean more than others, but at the end of the day seeking constant validation from internet IDs can only help so much. Some folks get way too worked up over what some strangers may say to them/about them. My mantra is to accept the positive support and take the negatives with a grain of salt.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Gabriel said:


> I have no issue with what you are saying here, I just can't relate to it. "Friends" are the people I know by flesh and blood that can clink my glass at the table, who can hug me when one is needed.
> 
> Here on TAM, we may find common ground with other folks here, get supportive comments, etc. And that can be helpful, but internet friends are not the same.
> 
> I have my "favorites" and their comments mean more than others, but at the end of the day seeking constant validation from internet IDs can only help so much. Some folks get way too worked up over what some strangers may say to them/about them. My mantra is to accept the positive support and take the negatives with a grain of salt.


I so agree with this .. pretty much what Getting it is saying too... the sad thing is.. some just don't have the family/ friends support system at home.. or those they feel comfortable to open up about the vulnerable shared HERE .. they already feel emotionally crushed / alone when they land here.. .

I guess in the spirit of not trying to crush someone further, I see goodness in giving a listening ear and reaching out to those who are obviously hurting /confused......if this helps them get out of bed in the am and put a  on their face because they feel some sort of understanding --even if from a cyberspace persona ...that makes me feel pretty damn good ! 

Jld is far more sympathetic over me though, I can see it in her posts, I tend to look at the root logically -offering a link or a book...where she meets someone at the emotional level.. isn't it good we're not all the same!

This is like anything else in life.. some of us are more Personable ..I feel I am like this...yet I like to spread myself around ... not long ago -someone let me know I am like Tinkerbell sprinkling my fairy dust on TAM..







... I got a good laugh out of that.. (obviously that person does not take me seriously and thinks I'm an idiot) ..but I'll live... 

Like I read Getting it's post here ...it's excellent, very healthy.. then I look at myself and think.. "well darn, I am more friendly over that.. I welcome every pm, I try to answer them all... is this a BAD thing??" should I reign myself in and stronghold a higher wall...is it better to not feel slighted ever...but at the same time..

I'm very logical.. I KNOW how silly this IS in the scheme of life & living.. Every poster here is like the Wind.. can come in like a soft breeze and never blow this way again...(and that's good, hopefully they picked up what they needed & went on their merry way)....or come in like a tornado....attempting to get us caught up in it.. but we have that barrier... our boundaries to shield -where our comfort zone is... 



> *GettingIt said:* And it wouldn't change my posting style here, or my sense of how I like to treat others--even others who might not be who they say they are. *How I treat others has everything to do with how I feel about myself, not how I feel about them.*


 This is good.. how it needs to be...:smthumbup:.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I don't generally take much of anything personally. At least I hope so! I also don't know what goes on behind the scenes at TAM. I've always been an outsider, which is probably for the best ... ignorance is bliss and all that crap.

I've gotten several f-you PM's from posters who have been here for a brief period of time, didn't like my style of response, and decided they would have the last word.:sleeping:

What you see is what you get. My story is true. I do my best to give my perspective on posts to which I can relate.

My only issue are the women/men who stay on here for YEARS and b!tch about their partner and come up with endless excuses to stay. Annoying.

I mean, c'mon ... sh!t or get off the pot. But I guess some people define themselves by the drama/misery they endure.

Go figure.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

ariel_angel77 said:


> Speaking my truth and staying true to my faith is much more important to me. It's just hard to face the consequences of not being liked because of it.


I think you should just roll with it. I myself tend to stay away from Christian references because I consider myself a backslidden Christian, so anything I say is probably just going to piss people off. But you really do seem sincere so just be confident in that. You never know how you might be helping or encouraging!

But I like expressing different points of view on topics in general, just so that all lines of thought can have representation. Even if it is going to be ridiculed or ignored, at least it's out there and may resonate with somebody.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

It can be hard not to take stuff personally for some of us JLD. You seem to do a very good job of that ... or at least you get over it quickly if you do take it personally from the beginning. I admire that and maybe it will come to me with more maturity and growth. 

Actually, when I think about it, I don't think I take stuff personally, because people don't say too much to me directly anyway. But it's just that some things people say just seem so a$$ hole-ish that I just want to reach through the screen and shake them! It's like, how could you possibly think that is helpful at all!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Committed, I have had a terrible time with it! But letting people get to me does not serve me. I just do not want to give them my power anymore.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

There's not really many subjects on TAM that I could take personally, there has been a handful of comment's I deemed to be completely ignorant and get frustrated because that sort of mind frame has been personally used against me in the past (and the poster/s probably have no idea that there comment would even be seen that way) but I ignore them.
I can understand why some do though considering some of the topics on threads and the reason some people are on this site I can why some people could probably trigger quite bad.


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