# my wife wants a "space: from me to figure out herself



## sadhusband87 (Dec 29, 2015)

This is hard for me to do. I am going through something i hope i can over come and get my wife back. I have been with my wife for 8 years. Married for 1 year and a few months. We don't really fight. Though when we have problems it's always about me not showing her enough attention. I'm 28 and shes 27. She says i'm not making her feel special and loved. I do little things to correct it and back to the norm i go. Just not enough. This same problem has been going on for years and it hit her breaking point. I feel i truly do see i messed up and feel as if i can do better and will. However she wants space. I have been a mess for the last two days. I text her and write her notes, send her flowers. Is this making it worse. She does respond to me but she asks me to give her space. 

what is the right move. what should i do?


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

quick answer:

1. yes those things are making it worse 
2. Read up on the 180


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You do what you dread the most. The impossibly hard. You go no contact with her.

As I said, it's incredibly hard. If you do, she will likely come back.
If you don't, it's very simple: she will leave you for good.

You have GOT to man up and leave her alone.

I would, however, do some research on your cell records. The I need space thing is classic for "I've found so done else and want time to spend with them. 

Don't worry about this, because it's counterproductive and even if it's true that she has interests elsewhere, the same rule applies. No contact of any kind. Definitely not a "just checking in you" text. Nothing. 

Actually, you're far better off just going ahead with your life. The "180". Accept and move on. That's even harder than no contact. 

Btw, if you sit in your house and sulk, you will break no contact and ruin it as your only chance. Realize she thinks you can't live without her and this will at the very least make her curious. Hopefully it will give her time to rethink and come back.

Good luck. I'm asking the possible, but very difficult of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Sounds like she may have found someone else who makes her feel special and loved.


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## sadhusband87 (Dec 29, 2015)

i truly feel she has not found anyone. I just have been not giving her the attention she deserves for so long and it reached her breaking point. we have a house, dogs. I stayed a friends last night. her family loves me. they are devastated this is going on. 

I have not been good the last two days, i have been texting and leaving her flowers on her car and sending her flowers. writing notes. 

I need to stop this and be strong and leave her alone is what i feel like i have been reading.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> . The I need space thing is classic for "I've found so done else and want time to spend with them.


agree 100%

there is probably another man, find out, expose, leave, your better off


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

sadhusband87 said:


> *i truly feel she has not found anyone.* I just have been not giving her the attention she deserves for so long and it reached her breaking point. we have a house, dogs. I stayed a friends last night. her family loves me. they are devastated this is going on.
> 
> I have not been good the last two days, i have been texting and leaving her flowers on her car and sending her flowers. writing notes.
> 
> I need to stop this and be strong and leave her alone is what i feel like i have been reading.


I thought the same thing buddy, boy was I wrong! I got the same song and dance you are getting now... be careful


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Sounds like she may have found someone else who makes her feel special and loved.


on the one hand she says she has been lacking attention.

on the other hand, she wants 'space'.

the two are contradictory except that the space thing is either passive aggressive, or wanting more freedom to be with someone else.


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## sadhusband87 (Dec 29, 2015)

i feel like because of the lack of attention and long relationship. we lost a spark we had early on. I want it back. She mentioned 
we love each other but doesn't feel like we are in love. 

i have never not trusted her with this someone else thing everyone brings up


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

sadhusband87 said:


> i feel like because of the lack of attention and long relationship. we lost a spark we had early on. I want it back. She mentioned
> we love each other but doesn't feel like we are in love.
> 
> i have never not trusted her with this someone else thing everyone brings up


Well, would you want to know or would you rather stay in denial if she is having an affair? 

"I love you but I'm not in love with you" is the classic "I'm having an affair" line, by the way.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

sadhusband87 said:


> i feel like because of the lack of attention and long relationship. we lost a spark we had early on. I want it back. She mentioned
> we love each other but doesn't feel like we are in love.
> 
> i have never not trusted her with this someone else thing everyone brings up


She may not have someone else. But, do you expect her to walk up and say, "hey, btw, I'm cheating".... My ex was the most vocal participant in Sunday school while she was sexting and sending nude pics to multiple guys. Just research and consider the possibility.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

DO NOT LEAVE HOME....you are to move back in there...if she wants space let her leave...or give her space in the house BUT MOVE BACK IN ASAP...you can not fix a problem being outside the house

move to another bedroom and please follow the 180...but like others have stated there something going on 
...keep digging


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Nobody is saying that she's cheating. What is being suggested is that if you want to get down to the truth then that is the elephant in the room that needs to be eliminated first


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> She may not have someone else. But, do you expect her to walk up and say, "hey, btw, I'm cheating".... *My ex was the most vocal participant in Sunday school while she was sexting and sending nude pics to multiple guys. * Just research and consider the possibility.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh my!  :surprise:


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

sadhusband87 said:


> i feel like because of the lack of attention and long relationship. we lost a spark we had early on. I want it back. She mentioned
> we love each other but doesn't feel like we are in love.
> 
> i have never not trusted her with this someone else thing everyone brings up


Famous last words!!!! We hear this all the time. Do yourself a big favor and go online. Check her phone bill. Look for a lot of calls/texts to a specific number. 

The worst thing you could have done was leave the home!!!! If she wants space let her leave.

The absolute worse thing you are doing is coming across needy, sending flowers, etc!!!! That will push her farther away.

You are here for a reason. So read up and pay attention.

The other thing is WAKE UP!!!!!!!!! Things like this don't just happen. There's a good chance she wants space to see someone else.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

sadhusband87 said:


> i truly feel she has not found anyone. I just have been not giving her the attention she deserves for so long and it reached her breaking point. we have a house, dogs. I stayed a friends last night. her family loves me. they are devastated this is going on.
> 
> I have not been good the last two days, i have been texting and leaving her flowers on her car and sending her flowers. writing notes.
> 
> I need to stop this and be strong and leave her alone is what i feel like i have been reading.


Cut this behavior out!!!!!!! You come across as weak and pathetic.

Very unnattractive to a woman. Again wake up and start looking around!!!!!!


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Want her back? Then pay attention....cut the contact, give her the space she wants. I would bet that if you go dark....within 7 days she will be wondering wtf you are up to. 

When she asks...the answer is" moving on".


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

sadhusband87 said:


> This is hard for me to do. I am going through something i hope i can over come and get my wife back. I have been with my wife for 8 years. Married for 1 year and a few months. We don't really fight. Though when we have problems it's always about me not showing her enough attention. I'm 28 and shes 27. She says i'm not making her feel special and loved. I do little things to correct it and back to the norm i go. Just not enough. This same problem has been going on for years and it hit her breaking point. I feel i truly do see i messed up and feel as if i can do better and will. However she wants space. I have been a mess for the last two days. I text her and write her notes, send her flowers. Is this making it worse. She does respond to me but she asks me to give her space.
> 
> what is the right move. what should i do?


If this has been a long term issue why did she marry you a year ago? This may be part of an overall problem in your relationship but this isn't why she needs space.

Start playing detective and don't bother asking her, you won't get a straight answer. This is another classic error too many of us have done. What people will tell you goes against your heart but you need to have your brain make the decisions, not your heart.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The more I think about this.....

"She says I don't make her feel special and loved".

This sure sounds like something else a person would say when trying to justify cheating in their own mind. They have to blame YOU or their conscience eats at them.

You need to do some research as I've said. Has she been on her smart phone a lot? Is it pass protected? Has she told you she isnt attracted to you anymore? Has she taken days off work unexpected for no apparent reason? Has she started shaving in odd areas, or changed any habits in the bedroom?
If you call or text her, you're screwed. You know that, right?
Fess up-- how many times today have you texted or called her?

If any, you'd better make it through another day without doing it.
If she calls or texts you, DO NOT ask her one stinking thing! Do not crave reassurance. dETACH! I know it's hard, but it's your only choice and you CAN do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

why does a person say they need space?

1. they feel like they are being smothered and they are overwhelmed with too much attention or nagging.
this cannot be the answer in your case, because she says you haven't given her enough attention: just the opposite until now.

2. they have come to genuinely dislike you, either through resentment or having been deeply hurt. they want space to distance them selves from you.
this perhaps is most likely in your case. if so, this is redeemable. it will take work and you will need to follow a wise formula like a good counselor and
some of the advice you are getting here. do not follow your impulses! follow a proven formula. you can't do this by yourself. books, counseling and sound advice.

3. they have someone else on their mind and you are intruding into their thoughts. they don't need you intruding into their thoughts.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Sadhusband,

From what you wrote it is fairly certain there is another man, OM, somewhere in her life.

Likely candidates are ex-boyfriends, coworker, or men she has told you are "friends"

Go over the phone bill there is likely to be excessive texting or communication with one number.

Tamat


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TAMAT said:


> Sadhusband,
> 
> From what you wrote it is fairly certain there is another man, OM, somewhere in her life.
> 
> ...


Nah, she's not that type of person. She'd never do anything like that. Big waste if time. Lots if women want space from their husbands who supposedly aren't loving enough and they are starving for affection and attention. Once they get a little space, they figure out just how to show their husbands how to fix the situation and immediately go back. Look elsewhere with another man for this????? That's crazy talk. Geez, some people... They don't even know my sweet little unappreciated wife!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Stop chasing her. Just stop. If she wants to come back she will. Give her a month or two and then go see a lawyer if she doesn't get her act together. 

I doubt seriously that it is your lack of attention that is driving her away. It may just simply be that she has fallen out of love with you. It happens man. That's life.


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## sadhusband87 (Dec 29, 2015)

So I took advice. She has been texting someone. For two weeks . Some even late. No calls though it seems . 

Do I confront her. She came home today. The third day to talk. 

I could see in her eyes she didn't care to much. She cried a little but i was trying to see if she missed me. I looks nice and dressed up .

She's sleeping in the bed what is my next move


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

sadhusband87 said:


> So I took advice. She has been texting someone. For two weeks . Some even late. No calls though it seems .
> 
> Do I confront her. She came home today. The third day to talk.
> 
> ...


You need far more evidence. Under no circumstances confront yet. Two weeks is nothing. Women don't decide to divorce in two weeks. Dig further. Is the two weeker a man? Who is he? Look up the number. Google how. Nothing but research and no begging for reassurance. Ignore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadhusband87 (Dec 29, 2015)

I know he is a man I know where he lives and I know he works with her. Do not let her know I know?

No matter what don't leave the house anymore ? Correct


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Btw, ask her out on a date. If she turns you down.....

If she needs to be gone after work for an event soon, ask to go with her.... If she says no....

Lots of ways. You need Gus polinski on this. I hear he is the goto guy on researching
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

sadhusband87 said:


> i truly feel she has not found anyone. I just have been not giving her the attention she deserves for so long and it reached her breaking point. we have a house, dogs. I stayed a friends last night. her family loves me. they are devastated this is going on.
> 
> I have not been good the last two days, i have been texting and leaving her flowers on her car and sending her flowers. writing notes.
> 
> I need to stop this and be strong and leave her alone is what i feel like i have been reading.


SH 87 Care to guess how many betrayed spouses have said this very thing ?

You need to open up to the possibility that it could be the case.


55


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

sadhusband87 said:


> i feel like because of the lack of attention and long relationship. we lost a spark we had early on. I want it back. She mentioned
> we love each other but doesn't feel like we are in love.
> 
> i have never not trusted her with this someone else thing everyone brings up


Your getting warmer That's the kiss of death young man.

55


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Don't say anything to her until you have gathered all the evidence you can.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

sadhusband87 said:


> I know he is a man I know where he lives and I know he works with her. Do not let her know I know?
> 
> No matter what don't leave the house anymore ? Correct


Do NOT let her know your suspicions. They just become sneaker in hiding it and the blameshift game starts going into overdrive. 

Is this coworker married?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

SadHusband,

Also 

Step 1, collect all the contact info. you can on this OM, his spouse or girlfriend, facebook, linkedin, family, church, etc contacts. 

Step 2, prepare an exposure letter to send to everyone of those persons.

Step 3, after the evidence is safe and certain send the letter.

Step 4, prepare yourself for your Ws shock that you fought the OM off and are no longer going to take it on the chin. "How could you do this" respond with "nothing I said was untrue, how could YOU cheat on me"

Step 5, prepare yourself for you W to lie about what was going on, but too late you got your story in first, and she will look desperate and dishonest, and the exposure will remove the veil of secrecy she is enjoying.

Step 6, OM will abandon your W to preserve his reputation and his current relationship

Tamat


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

You don't mention kids, so I'll just remind you that right now would be a horrible time to have a kid with her.

You don't know for sure that she's slept with the other man yet, but she definitely is looking to upgrade in the "man department", and considers him a step up over you. She wants you out of the way (at least temporarily) so her courtship of him can go more smoothly.

However, there's a chance that this all ends with him rejecting her. If he does, she will likely come back to you and try to lock you down for real by getting pregnant.

Is the OM married? Does he have kids? How old is he? Is he her boss? Is he better looking or more successful than you?

Would you be OK with his sloppy seconds?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TAMAT said:


> SadHusband,
> 
> Also
> 
> ...


Can't say hell yes to this enough. But tell us your evidence first. Gotta be good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

sadhusband87 said:


> No matter what don't leave the house anymore ? Correct


Well, you can still go to work and the grocery store :grin2:

But yes, it's your house, so that is where you should be sleeping every night. If she "needs space", she is free to go rent her own apartment or motel. If she wants separate bedrooms, she is free to go to the guestroom or the living room couch, but you will remain in the master bedroom.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Do not tell a soul about this until you're ready to expose.

And you don't know for sure she's cheating yet, so don't get angry yet, either.

Cheaters can twist anything to make it look innocent. Your evidence should be inexplicable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I don't see where anyone has posted the link to the http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html, so I will. Follow what it says, and don't let her know you are still suspicious!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

sadhusband87 said:


> I know he is a man I know where he lives and I know he works with her. Do not let her know I know?
> 
> No matter what don't leave the house anymore ? Correct


Do you have access to her phone? You Need to get a copy of her text messages somehow. Is it ever back d up?

Stay cool and don't say anything yet. 

It would be good to check Facebook, email, etc


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Keep your distance, etc.

The info in her phone will be the key. She's probably deleted all the messages but they will still be in the phone.

You'll probably need to do a deleted text recovery. There are many apps for this. How PC, phone oriented are you?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, the deleted texts will be key. Either it's nothing, something is just starting, or you will be crushed by what you read. You should be prepared just on case it's the worst. It will be shocking. It will turn your stomach. I hope it's nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadhusband87 (Dec 29, 2015)

We have a joint account . She is primary / what do I do? 

We make about the same ( I make more) 

Do I take half saving and keep joint checking?


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Breath sadhusband, I know where you are at. Your mind is in chaos right now, you need time to properly digest everything. What you do now will be determined by what kind of personality you have, so the advice given, may or may not be advice you are capable of following. Everyone is spot on, the red flags she is giving are ones common to a person having an affair. Her mind state right now is in lala land and in the infactuation stage, but it's early. If you want to stay married and can accept that another man has opened up a part of her that you thought was only yours, then I would confront now. I would tell her you know she has gotten emotionaly attached to someone and thus having an affair. I would reassure her you want to forgive and move forward and that you both need to work on things so you can be happy again. Going this route means you have to be calm, cool, and collected....which is very hard when your life seems to be spinning out of control. Read, research, and see a counselor. When you research, google why women have affairs and find your part that led to this and work on fixing your own short cummings and take responsability. In no way am I saying her cheating is your fault, what I am saying is we all played a role in the downfall of our marriages. There were things we could of done better or things we did we simply were not aware of. Women are really different, most of us are clueless in knowing what makes them tick until it's to late. 

In order to move forward though she has to be remorseful and willing to accept her own responsability and betrayel. You cannot beat her up or hold it over her head, but you would need to know she knows she made a mistake. Understand that may not be for a while as she is infactuted with someone else.

Good luck!


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

*i have never not trusted her with this someone else thing everyone brings up*

Sad,

The reason everyone was bring it up was because it is exactly what you have found to be true. She wants space to carry on with her new boyfriend without you in the way. if he does not work out, then she will tell you space is not needed any more.

You need to get a VAR in her car and you will find out all you need to in probably less than a week.

You need to know that workplace affairs are the hardest to stop and almost all of the literature will tell you that one of them has to leave the job. i suggest you start finding out your rights in case this has gone too far and she will not stop the texting or whatever else she is doing.

if you confront her by just asking her, she is going to tell you that you are a crazy, jealous fool. The VAR will get you the facts, and then you can decide. but you better act because the longer you sit there and let this go on, the harder it will be to stop.

if this co worker is married, you need to find out how to find his wife. That is your best bet on stopping what is going on quickly. It may not work, but it is the first step. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

She does not need space to figure anything out. She already has it figured out. Right now, you are an impediment to her fling that she is probably having. 

Now you have to become a real impediment and stop begging, pleading, and kissing her butt. That sounds crazy but it is the worst thing you can do.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

straightshooter said:


> *i have never not trusted her with this someone else thing everyone brings up*
> 
> Sad,
> 
> ...


This^^^


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

straightshooter said:


> *i have never not trusted her with this someone else thing everyone brings up*
> 
> Sad,
> 
> ...


OP, this is EXACTLY what you need to do.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

sadhusband87 said:


> We have a joint account . She is primary / what do I do?
> 
> We make about the same ( I make more)
> 
> Do I take half saving and keep joint checking?


No. 


1) Go to the bank and open up a checking account in your name only. Then have your entire paycheck diverted there.

2) If you and your WW have joint savings, take out 50% and put it in another account under your name only. 

3) If you and her have joint credit cards, call and deactivate them immediately. 

This is what you should do now. Isolate and protect your finances.

Do not tell her you are doing this.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Put a voice activated recorder in her car also.
If her coworker has a wife/gf contact them.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If I were you I'd separate my finances now. Do you have children?


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> 1) Go to *the bank* and open up a checking account in your name only. Then have your entire paycheck diverted there.


Not the same as your current bank.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Go to the bank today and open up a separate account and get all your direct deposit to that account. ASAP


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

It's amazing how many husband come here with these stories who believe their is no way that their wife would be with someone else. I new from your first post that there was another man. Wanting space is always to test drive a new man without your controlling getting in the way.

The fact that this marriage is so young, hopefully you don't have kids, and she makes ok money, a D will be relatively painless. Imagine her talking about wanting space but she's the mother of your 2 or more kids, and she's been a stay at home wife for a few years and just re-entered job market, so she's earning way less. Can you imagine the rape you would endure in the courts? But in your case, it will be a quick one, depending on property.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

No, he's gotten not only the ILYBINILWY, but also the I need space bull****. She's prepared to head to the next level and beyond.

Here's my advice. If you don't have kids, file for divorce, just get your crap in order and have her served. If she asks why just tell her she knows exactly why. If she doesn't make a massive effort to save the marriage, then what's the point in staying married? Betrayal is unbelievably insidious, it leaks poison all over your life when you start to think about it. Trying to overcome it was the hardest thing I've ever tried to do. I can't recommend trying it without a wayward that is fully willing to be accountable for their choices.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

The right thing to do now is to honor her wishes for space and to give it to her. Tell her that you are willing to go into marriage counseling to help mend the issue and to help you to become more affectionate. The flowers and texts you are sending her are probably upsetting her because she feels like the only way she can get attention from you is to walk away and threaten to leave. She doesn't want that. She wants to feel loved and appreciated. Just give her some space for now and offer counseling. When she does contact you, ask her what else you can do to help, that way she tells you what she wants.


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