# Need wisdom on Minor Issue that is relevant to this topic



## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Hi. I would like some advice on best strategy for this issue that bothers me a bit.

For whatever reason I have been engrossed in this forum coping with infedelity for no apparent reason. I have never cheated and have no reason to suspect my W has either. Great sex life and I feel good about what I do for her in the bedroom - no issues there.

The thing is, after reading all these posts and how shocked everyone was that their spouse could do this and how they never suspected a thing, it got me a tad bit paranoid. Thanx TAM. lol

So I figured I'd look through her old emails, see if there was anything inappropriate while we were together. Nothing over 7 years together (married for 5y with 2 kids - 5 and 2 yrs old) .. EXCEPT one little e-mail. My wife has organized her hotmail properly into folders and had one for this guy and it was empty. Obviously emails deleted. And I saw in her sent folder back in 2008 when our first boy was 1 years old she sent an e-mail to him with the title "miss you..." and the contents "kiss the rain." (i guess in reference to the song - must have been an insider song for them). This bugs me and I want to ask her about it but dont want her to think Im insecure. My mild paranoia is only recent and because im so engrossed in these forums lol. Its also because Im curious about my wife and what in her mind she hasn't shared with me.. I know there are things I havent shared with her - or anyone else.

Some context: We met online and I know she was chatting with lots of guys online during, before me.. and we hit it off best I guess. yay me. Or maybe I was the only one that gave serious promise to all her internet man fishing back in 2005. lol

Anyway. This message I found is in page 22 of 32 pages of sent e-mails.. so it looks a little retarded that I went through all her old sent emails.. should i just ignore it?.. I mean 4 years ago and no indication of infidelity or should I bring it up and ask who he is or was in her life and why she "missed him" 1 year into our marriage?


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Also, how do you get honesty and not trickle truth when there can be no evidence and when your W knows your stance to be "If you cheat, I do not think I could recover and would D". This can work as a deterrent to cheating (my intention for making this clear).. but also a deterrent to telling the truth. hm


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

This is the downside of going through emails and stuff. Four years ago she sent a miss you email. I do think people can go through times like these but now you planted this in you and you will have a hard time dealing with it. I suggest you try to forget it. And you say the only reason you had for checking her email is this board (at least thats what I understood from your sentences). Some of the people on here are in really troubled marriages. That shouldnt be the reason for you to get paranoid.


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

I totally understand the paranoia. Let me ask you this, did you already have the password to her email (i.e. transparency) or did you have to use some subterfuge to obtain it? My husband and I have each others passwords, so if he went looking through all of my old emails, I might be a bit surprised, but not angry, because he already had access. But....if you hacked her account, then that opens up a whole 'nother can of worms. 

Frankly, either way, I wouldn't bring it up. But what I would do is be very vigilant and aware of what's going on the relationship. 

I'm like you in that my marriage has not dealt with infidelity. Although, I have more than a passing acquaintance with it in my past. I have used the knowledge I have gleaned here to begin the process of Affair proofing my marriage and improving the boundaries we have. Because of my past, I have never had 100% trust in any relationship. I'm not saying I distrust my spouse either. But I have always been "aware" that people cheat and can hurt the ones they love. I have always used that awareness to quickly address situations that made me uncomfortable. I suggest you take a similar approach. 

Make your marriage better and keep an eye out for any "third parties" who might want to intrude. Shut them down quick and live a happy life.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

If it was 5 years ago and it was one e mail and there has been not been a shred of doubt since, you may live to regret opening this can of worms

If she was an online 'tart' (not meant nastily) for years before marriage, maybe it took her a while to put up some proper boundaries. Online = fantasy to a great extent, always one step removed from the real world. You know, flirt with no consequences, or even more.

She may have stopped and deleted, not to hide, but simply because that phase of her life was over

You ARE insecure or else you wouldn't be asking what to do

If she is 'innocent' , how you would explain going rummaging through 7 years of deleted e mails on a whim ? I can't see that ending well

Why not just observe for a while before deciding, see if there is anything to worry about and, if not, just let sleeping dogs lie


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Yeah I agree people. I didnt do it because I genuinely thought there was an issue of infedelity or that I feel insecure about myself. Infact, I have never been jealous of her friendships with guys and I am quite attractive myself. However! I think this whole thing with me reading up on these issues is because I have missed my wife for the past few months. She is working in another town with the kids visiting her parents for the summer - cant say more without being too identity specific. 

I'm actually not that upset about it. I think they were online friends. She had more online guy friends back in the day that didnt get very romantic.. hes prob one she chatted with a bunch. I'll just let it go..

I guess what I really want to learn from here (TAM) is how to affair proof the marriage. Im worried more about years down the road than this little incident. I want to avoid the issues others have faced... tahts why im so engrossed here - because I care about my marriage.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

HappyHubby said:


> *Also, how do you get honesty and not trickle truth when there can be no evidence and when your W knows your stance to be "If you cheat, I do not think I could recover and would D".*


You don't and that's what's so excruciating about it.
Someone who cheated told me that he couldn't admit it because he felt like a suspect who'd be executed the moment he'll confess.

Let me tell you. Stop working yourself over. Don't be blind, but don't be paranoid either. If you search for something, you'll end up finding it even though it didn't exist.

It's sane and clever to want to prevent being betrayed, though. I sure would've loved to be as aware as you. But if you want to know, research the subject, not your wife.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Oh and yes. I know her passwords and she knows mine. Infact they are almost the same password. 

I think I may just ask her who this person is in reference to the hotmail folder and not the e-mail. Ill do it at some point when Im checking her email for her as she sometimes ask me to do. It may get her to share a story about someone she has never mentioned to me and let me in on another part of her that existed before we met. I like knowing that stuff. Its a part of her.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Spunoh said:


> You don't and that's what's so excruciating about it.
> Someone who cheated told me that he couldn't admit it because he felt like a suspect who'd be executed the moment he'll confess.
> 
> Let me tell you. Stop working yourself over. Don't be blind, but don't be paranoid either. If you search for something, you'll end up finding it even though it didn't exist.
> ...


Yes. The subject. That IS what I have been doing . Still more to read though. I would like to bring her in on the discussion to truly have an open (communication), transparent marriage where we can discuss this as adults and ensure the best marriage possible. Thanks for your advice. 

Also, I read your thread earlier. Sorry to hear that happened. I am going to go make a post in your thread.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

HappyHubby said:


> Yes. The subject. That IS what I have been doing . Still more to read though. I would like to bring her in on the discussion to truly have an open (communication), transparent marriage where we can discuss this as adults and ensure the best marriage possible. Thanks for your advice.
> 
> Also, I read your thread earlier. Sorry to hear that happened. I am going to go make a post in your thread.


Thanks for your sympathy, it is much needed.

Beware of what you're about to open. The subject may irritate her for some reason, not having anything to do with you, and it woudn't quench your desire to know. And then you risk ending up in a spiral of doubts relating to her inability to secure your feelings and thoughts.
You should focus on preventing her from seeking affection elsewhere.

There's two kind of cheaters. Both of them with varying degree of selfishness. The first, and most common, is the one that seeks something she/he couldn't find at home.
The second is the one that just craves the attention of others, seeks cheap thrills or just sucks from the core.

If you know your woman, and you're convinced that she doesn't belong to second category, no need to bring this subject. Just be a good husband and watch out for the scumbug roaming the earth.


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

Well, after reading the recommendations here for awhile, I purchased "Not Just Friends" and "His Needs Her Needs." Several posters in this forum repeatedly stated that if they had read these books prior to the affair in their marriages, they could have stopped the affair from ever taking place. They would have had the tools to stop it its infancy.

Only about the first 1/3 of "Not Just Friends" is relevant to a relationship that isn't dealing with infidelity, but man it's worth the read just for that much. It really delves into the psychology of what goes on in these relationships that slip from friendships into affairs. And it gives strong counterpoints to the arguments that arise out of trying to shut down these "friendships" that threaten the marriage. 

I'm only about halfway through "His Needs Her Needs" and I'm really seeing my life written down on these pages. It's kind of profound, but I just keeping saying, "That's me. That's me. That's exactly what I did in that situation." I can see that my marriage is going to be infinitely stronger by applying his advice.

Lastly, I have told my husband about finding this forum and what I have learned about infidelity here. At first, he was very uncomfortable with it. He thought that I thought he was having an affair. Then he thought that I must be planning to have an affair. But I finally got through to him that we've invested too many years into our marriage to not do everything possible to protect it. 

Now, whenever the natural conversation goes that direction, And you would be surprised at how often it does once your paying attention, I talk about these issues. I don't info dump on him. Just have a conversation about so-and-so who cheated and now here's the fallout and how they might have put themselves in the situation, the fallout and everything they have to lose, etc. Then I discuss any aspects that may be relevant to our lives. 

Hopefully, by being more connected in my marriage and more aware of the pitfalls, "Til death do us part" will be a reality for us without having to "recover" or "reconcile" after an infidelity.


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## Althea789 (Apr 12, 2013)

I'm new to this forum & just wanted to say: Lots of great comments here...really glad there are some quality people in this forum!


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i don't find anything in your post that even resembles cheating. i'm sure she had many suitors during her initial foray into online dating. sounds like this is in the past and she's found her man in you.


it's only natural to become a little paranoid reading all these stories of cheating. i know i'm more aware about the warning signs/red flags concerning possible infidelity. that said- knowledge is power.


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