# retroactive jealousy/family friend



## redsox1762 (Mar 19, 2017)

Hello, I have a situation that I need some objective advice. My wife and I are both in our mid 20's. She's from another country, and has no real friends or family around. We never had the talk about past sexual experience before tying the knot (a year ago) , but we had the talk right after. Since then, we've had the problem of being jealous of each other's past lovers (she has a few more than mine, though mine was primarily a few years long relationship). It's been very difficult, we both have mental images of each other making love to our past lovers. She had two of hers on facebook and snapchat, and when we were dating I asked who they were and she said they were friends. She even showed me a picture of one of them , a family friend whom she slept with. She said he was a friend, but later I found out they had a romantic past. This family friend lives with one of her close family members in her home country, is best friends with one of her siblings. 

I have gotten over the actual sexual history she had before we were together, and she said mine no longer bothers her, but it still bothers me that this family friend she slept with is still a part of her family. I told her it wouldn't be acceptable for him to be around her family's house when we visit back home, she basically said she can't control what her family does or if we will run into him. Now, it bothers me that I can't control this, and it feels like it is driving a wedge between our relationship, and she doesn't want to tell anybody about what happened between them (not sure if they know , or not). I may be overreacting and I just can't get over it, so any advice would be appreciated. As ridiculous as it sounds, I am really not fully happy with this situation, and sometimes wonder if I would be happier without her in my life (not to sound like a hypocrite, it's how I feel). Please advise, if anyone has any productive input, no criticism please, we can't help the way we feel.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

You're right. It is hypocritical. Not that I don't understand where you are coming from. Past lovers, since they have had a prior relationship, makes it easy for that relationship to be rekindled when they are in contact regularly. (Of course, I know there are many who have no interest whatsoever in their exes) However, it doesn't sound like your wife and this man will be in regular contact. He lives in another country. There is nothing you can do. If he is a family friend it would seem rude and in bad form for him to be excluded from family events because of a jealous family member. You have to decide whether you can let this go or not. And for the love of peace and sanity don't have children until you have decided if this is going to be a problem you constantly revisit or not. Children don't need to be punished for their parents stupidity.

Why do you not trust your wife? Has she given you a reason to not trust her? Does she have a bad reputation for being promiscuous? I am just wondering where this distrust is coming from if you are in a relationship with her already.


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## redsox1762 (Mar 19, 2017)

Hi, thanks for your response. She doesn't have a reputation for being promiscuous at all. Also, i believe I do trust her. It's more shame and anger that I feel that my wife slept with a man, who's close to her family. I feel devalued, pushed aside, territorial and just irritated. I've basically told her I won't allow him to be around us. I can't help but get angry and show it. I feel like confronting the guy if he tries to show up at our family's house. She says she doesn't know if I'll ever be happy with her. And, I really don't know.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you still have anything to do with the women in your past? Do you, or both of you, ever run into them socially?



redsox1762 said:


> Hi, thanks for your response. She doesn't have a reputation for being promiscuous at all. Also, i believe I do trust her. It's more shame and anger that I feel that my wife slept with a man, who's close to her family. *I feel devalued, pushed aside, territorial and just irritated. *I've basically told her I won't allow him to be around us. I can't help but get angry and show it. I feel like confronting the guy if he tries to show up at our family's house. She says she doesn't know if I'll ever be happy with her. And, I really don't know.


You say that your wife has no family or friends where the two of you live.

And then when you visit her family, you would want to do something like confront this guy. As you know, this will most likely cause a lot of family drama and a huge riff in her family. 

Sounds to me like you don’t want your wife to have friends and family at all. What a great way to isolate her.

If you “feel devalued, pushed aside and devalued, pushed aside, territorial and just irritated.” And this gets you so angry that you blow up about it, you have a problem. This guy is no threat to your marriage.

You should probably get into individual counseling to figure out why you are reacting this way and how to put this in proper perspective.

And if you cannot deal with your emotions and put things in perspective you may as well divorce your wife because this is going to destroy your marriage.

I guess you now know that you need to discuss previous partners before getting too far into a relationship since you have trouble handling your partner’s/wife’s pervious sex partners.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It's true that she can't control her family's decision to maintain a connection to her ex,any more than you can. 

She can, however, ask her family to let him go. Again, what they ultimately decide is beyond her power to control.

As @EleGirl said, imposed isolation on her is bad, not a loving gesture. How does she treat you NOW? With love, respect, and care? Part of this is going to come down to you either letting go of your jealousy or letting her go because you simply can't.


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## redsox1762 (Mar 19, 2017)

Thanks everyone for responding. I have no contact with my ex although she does live in the same city as us. We don't run into my exes socially, and this whole problem is a hypothetical one - because a guy she slept with is so close to her family, I'm bound to run into him sooner or later. Not that I'm afraid to face that person, but I told her there's a good chance I'm going to make it known how I feel about him. She said she won't tell her friends and family not to talk to him. This angers me, as all I can think about is them having sex, and him having a relationship with all her family members, and me being stuck there having to have a meal with him. I told her I wouldn't allow that to happen, even if I have to make a scene.

Honestly, I think my heart truly says I idealized my wife and then was let down terribly when I found out the truth about her past. We just got married less than a year ago in front of family, and everything. Her parents even came from another country to attend. Honestly, I think in some ways I wish I never did this - it's hard for me to live with. I guess it's embarrassing for us both to want a divorce so soon, but maybe it's in our best interest. She wants to work it out, but doesn't want me to live unhappy. Then other times I feel like I'd be throwing away something good I won't find again.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Dude, you've made the two most common mistakes. Pedestalized/idealized and believed the "just friends" line.

Never do that.


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## MelissaG (Mar 18, 2017)

I think that, maybe, you're focusing on the symptom rather than the issue. Yes, having to run into your spouse's ex is ridiculously uncomfortable, especially knowing how close he is with your wife's family. 

But what I'm wondering about is where this jealousy is coming from. My guess is that you don't entirely feel like your wife is being fully open and honest with you. 

Is it possible that knowing how close her ex is with her family is causing you some insecurities about your position in their family? Like maybe you're concerned that they would prefer him over you especially seeing how much more time he spends with her family than you do?

My advice to you is to truly figure out where this is coming from and then talk to your wife about it. Be truly honest about just how much this is bothering you and where this jealousy is coming from. It's one thing for your wife to see her husband seem petty by acting jealous and another entirely to understand where those emotions of yours are coming from.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I believe you should seek counseling as she isn't really the problem and divorcing her will not separate you from your inability to cope with your emotions.

I understand territory.

I am not really jealous but very territorial. I would not be playing friends with any man that had been in my wife. I would not put pressure on her to separate her family from the friend but I would not visit when he is there.

It can be civil. The family might need to know what the problem is so as to avoid awkward situations.

I'm not going to eat dinner with any of my wife's exes ever.

I don't hate them and I'm certainly not jealous or threatened by them, she chose me after all, but I don't have any desire to get to know them either.

Get help my friend. You may or may not be throwing away something wonderful but you will still have a serious problem that will impact all future relationships.

I don't think you should divorce over this. It seems a little silly to consider when it is easily dealt with.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Could the ex be remaining so close to your W's family as a way of maintaining ties with her? A way to get her back if you two break up? It has happened before.

IamSomebody


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## redsox1762 (Mar 19, 2017)

Thanks all, this has shed some light. It does seem that I can't control my emotions related to this. A part of it may be related to wanting to be part of her family and the anger that somebody else she has had a sexual relationship with is considered 'part of the family.' It angers me greatly, and It's something I can't stop focusing on as a flaw in our happiness.

She knows why I feel the way I do, we've discussed it in depth. She doesn't want to put me through that, but knows one day her brother or cousin will probably bring him around. I know I'm the superior guy, but it drives me wild thinking he knows they had sex and I'm some sort of chump that has no idea. When I'm her country, I have nowhere else to go, as we would be staying with family. I'm afraid there will be some sort of conflict between us, which wouldn't be good, getting in trouble in another country where I don't understand the language or laws.

When we discuss this However, I just end up repeating nonstop that i won't allow him to be around us when we visit her family, and she just gets upset and starts to ignore me. Our inability to come to a solution to this has caused great tension, and sometimes I imagine how nice it would be to be single. I'd be able to enjoy other women, but not allow the relationship to get to this point where I actually care about their past. I'm not sure what I want, and I can't come to a conclusion which would be better. Pros and cons to everything I suppose.


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## redsox1762 (Mar 19, 2017)

IamSomebody said:


> Could the ex be remaining so close to your W's family as a way of maintaining ties with her? A way to get her back if you two break up? It has happened before.
> 
> IamSomebody


I am not sure. He has been her brothers best friend for a long time and lives with another close family member. I even ate dinner at his house once, but he wasn't there. I just keep imagining how I would react if I came face to face with him. Probably angry, because it's what I feel very intensely.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If she doesn't agree that he needs to be away from you both when you visit, then that is a big problem.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My wife was a virgin when we married and never had a steady boyfriend so she has no sexual pass other than that she made with me and those we played with. I have had sex with about 30 women so I have a long sexual past. Thought a virgin was kinky and a change for me. However, I have had sex with all three of her best friends, most of her school chums and neighborhood girls. She was friends with my ex fiancee and still friends with her girlfriends who had sex with me. My wife just never gets jealous. As she says, any woman who wants me is welcome to me. Yet she does not like when I remind of my past sexual partners. Two of them visited us for two weeks a few years ago. We live far away now but when we did not, we saw some of my past sex partners often. My wife's attitude is that she has what they once had and they know what they lost and she now has. I was somewhat desired by the girls when I was a young. Few dated me. Most just wanted to have sex with me. Plus all three of my relationships were with bisexual women, including my wife. She says that is because after having sex with me, they all turn gay. Might be right about that because I have no other explanation why my lovers are all bi.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

redsox1762 said:


> Thanks all, this has shed some light. It does seem that I can't control my emotions related to this. A part of it may be related to wanting to be part of her family and the anger that somebody else she has had a sexual relationship with is considered 'part of the family.' It angers me greatly, and It's something I can't stop focusing on as a flaw in our happiness.
> 
> She knows why I feel the way I do, we've discussed it in depth. She doesn't want to put me through that, but knows one day her brother or cousin will probably bring him around. I know I'm the superior guy, but it drives me wild thinking he knows they had sex and I'm some sort of chump that has no idea. When I'm her country, I have nowhere else to go, as we would be staying with family. I'm afraid there will be some sort of conflict between us, which wouldn't be good, getting in trouble in another country where I don't understand the language or laws.
> 
> When we discuss this However, I just end up repeating nonstop that i won't allow him to be around us when we visit her family, and she just gets upset and starts to ignore me. Our inability to come to a solution to this has caused great tension, and sometimes I imagine how nice it would be to be single. I'd be able to enjoy other women, but not allow the relationship to get to this point where I actually care about their past. I'm not sure what I want, and I can't come to a conclusion which would be better. Pros and cons to everything I suppose.


I have already expressed my over all feeling about your situation. But, do have one idea that might help. Instead of your wife telling her family to not allow him around or you causing a scene, your wife could write him on Facebook (you did say that he's on Facebook right?) and ask him to please not come around where the two of you are when you are visiting. That she thinks it would be disrespectful to you. This would leave her family out of it and just deal with the source of the issue.

Have you told your wife that this is making your feel like you wish you were single, or never married her?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> If she doesn't agree that he needs to be away from you both when you visit, then that is a big problem.


My take on it is that she does not want to have to tell her family personal info about her having had sex with this guy and to tell her family to not allow this guy around when she is there, she would have to do this. 

If the OP is upset that his wife has had sex with the guy, telling the family (aka telling the world) about her having sex with the guy will not be protecting her husband. Now the world knows what he thinks is humiliating to him. Why would he want that exposed to her family and friends back home?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

redsox1762 said:


> I am not sure. He has been her brothers best friend for a long time and lives with another close family member. I even ate dinner at his house once, but he wasn't there. I just keep imagining how I would react if I came face to face with him. *Probably angry, because it's what I feel very intensely.*


This anger is what you need to learn to overcome. There is no need to be angry at this man. He did not do anything to you, not deliberately, not accidentally, not in malice nor in carelessness. His friendship with your wife' s brother survived his dalliance with her, that is all.

If you bought a second-hand book, or a previously owned car, would you be unreasonably angry at the person who had it before you? Are you angry with your wife's best female friend for being emotionally close to her before you met her?

I don't think you are angry at this man. I think you are angry with your wife for having a sexual past, but you are deflecting it to another 'safer' target.

I would seek counselling if you don't think you can overcome this issue on your own, before it hurts your marriage irreparably, because you are extremely unlikely to find a woman without a sexual past.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> My take on it is that she does not want to have to tell her family personal info about her having had sex with this guy and to tell her family to not allow this guy around when she is there, she would have to do this.
> 
> If the OP is upset that his wife has had sex with the guy, telling the family (aka telling the world) about her having sex with the guy will not be protecting her husband. Now the world knows what he thinks is humiliating to him. Why would he want that exposed to her family and friends back home?


I'm going to refuse to play to what I perceive to be his unhealthy emotional state.

I believe it would be a healthy response to keep this guy away from himself and his wife.

Being a grown up means owning your behavior and paying what you owe.

If she doesn't like the thought of her family knowing, she shouldn't have had sex with the guy in the first place.

She needs to grow up in this area and consider her marriage over her reputation with her family.

The husband needs to grow up and get help to control his emotions as well as make good decisions.

Not wanting to be buddies or eat dinner with your spouse's former lover is well within healthy limits and boundaries and I believe most people would understand it.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

redsox1762 said:


> Thanks everyone for responding. I have no contact with my ex although she does live in the same city as us. We don't run into my exes socially, and this whole problem is a hypothetical one - because a guy she slept with is so close to her family, I'm bound to run into him sooner or later. Not that I'm afraid to face that person, but I told her there's a good chance I'm going to make it known how I feel about him. She said she won't tell her friends and family not to talk to him. This angers me, as all I can think about is them having sex, and him having a relationship with all her family members, and me being stuck there having to have a meal with him. I told her I wouldn't allow that to happen, even if I have to make a scene.
> 
> Honestly, I think my heart truly says I idealized my wife and then was let down terribly when I found out the truth about her past. We just got married less than a year ago in front of family, and everything. Her parents even came from another country to attend. Honestly, I think in some ways I wish I never did this - it's hard for me to live with. I guess it's embarrassing for us both to want a divorce so soon, but maybe it's in our best interest. She wants to work it out, but doesn't want me to live unhappy. Then other times I feel like I'd be throwing away something good I won't find again.


And so what then? You divorce your wife and get yourself another girl. 

One with no sexual past? Good luck with that!


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> I'm going to refuse to play to what I perceive to be his unhealthy emotional state.
> 
> I believe it would be a healthy response to keep this guy away from himself and his wife.
> 
> ...


Sex is a private matter, and I really can't see that it is the family's business. Besides, even if they did know that she had sex with them, why should they have to basically ostracize someone who is close to them just because her husband can't manage his own jealousy? 

OP, no one is asking you to be buddies with him. And this hostility you are showing towards this guy shows that you feel somehow lesser than him. That insecurity is all on you -- not your wife, not her family, and not on this other guy.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

wild jade said:


> And so what then? You divorce your wife and get yourself another girl.
> 
> One with no sexual past? Good luck with that!


Naa. Just one who doesn't lie about who she's screwed and doesn't keep them hanging round like a bad smell would be perfectly acceptable. Extra good luck with that.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Meh. My husband keeps most of his exes in his life in some way, whether on facebook or running into them at various events. I would have to be awfully controlling to want them removed entirely, especially for those who live in different countries.

Besides, he is free to go back to them at any point that he should decide that he was better off with them than with me. 

As for "honesty", perhaps if OP was going to get all squirrely about his wife's past lovers, perhaps he should've inquired about her sexual history *before* he got married. Or made it clear that it was imperative she give all details of her sexual past at every possible opening.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is a conversation that should have happened WAY before getting married. You two didnt truly know each other, yet married anyway. Neither should have contact with exes, and grow up and let it go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TAM2013 said:


> Naa. Just one who doesn't lie about who she's screwed and doesn't keep them hanging round like a bad smell would be perfectly acceptable. Extra good luck with that.


She did not lie about who she had sex with. She told her husband.

She is not keeping the guy around. He's a friend of her brother's and close to her family. And they all live in another country.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> This is a conversation that should have happened WAY before getting married.


Sounds like he tried. Sounds like she lied.



EleGirl said:


> She did not lie about who she had sex with. She told her husband.


Yeah. HUSBAND. Lied while he was her BF and fiance though, didn't she.

Read his post.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

This is the second thread with this weird minimization of feelings going on. He has become excessively jealous after finding his wife's Facebook friend, the one whose house they ate at, who is good friends with the family and who she is still in contact with is a former sex partner.

Yes, he needs help dealing with his excessive confrontational emotions and silly divorce thinking, but trying to minimize his normal reaction is weird.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> If she doesn't agree that he needs to be away from you both when you visit, then that is a big problem.


I'd say this is a real problem. If this makes her husband feel so uncomfortable, then why does she insist on doing nothing to stop them from meeting? It's almost like it's not important to her and expects her husband to just deal with it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

wild jade said:


> Sex is a private matter, and I really can't see that it is the family's business. Besides, even if they did know that she had sex with them, why should they have to basically ostracize someone who is close to them just because her husband can't manage his own jealousy?
> 
> OP, no one is asking you to be buddies with him. And this hostility you are showing towards this guy shows that you feel somehow lesser than him. That insecurity is all on you -- not your wife, not her family, and not on this other guy.


Many people have no desire or inclination to eat dinner or otherwise socially engage with exes.

I know a little bit about sex being private. LOL!

She caused a major problem by having hooked up with a close family friend that she expects her husband to basically be friends with.

You might truly enjoy the company of women your husband has had sex with but many spouses don't share your view and they are healthy with their boundaries.

I believe the OP has emotional issues that need dealt with but becoming buddies with a former lover of his wife is not one of them.

She is creating an almost certain destruction of her marriage by not getting her old boyfriend out of the picture when they visit her family.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Here's the thing I agree her sex life is private. It is one those, to me, which should be left at I had "x" amount of partners. He says they dealt with both of their reactions to their mutual jealousy. What he can't deal with, which is understandable to me, is a former lover still interacting with the family and his wife. A former lover who was JUST A FRIEND, until it turned out he was more. It's funny, why does sex have to be involved in the separation of family from this guy? It is funny to me because a simple, "look we dated and I am now married, I'd really like some family distance from this guy" would leave the husband and her sex out of the equation.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Previously owned car, eh? What, from a dealer sold as 20,000 genuine miles, 2 careful owners. But you find out later it's actually ex-rental. The dealer forged the documents and wound the clock back from 40,00 miles. To rub salt into the wound, you know someone who's red-lined your car for a day.

To make it worse, you confront the dealer and he accuses you of having buyers remorse (retro-active jealousy) because somebody else has driven the car before you and insists he has every right to be deceptive. After all, there is so much more to the car than its mileage/number of owners and he just wanted to get the best price for it. Didn't want to "loose" the deal.

ConanHub is right. OP's wife doesn't own her sh!t. She was out for the best deal she could get just long enough for the contract to be signed. Now it's HIS problem and he's bullied into accepting it to SAVE HER any distress should her family find out.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

redsox1762 said:


> but it drives me wild thinking he knows they had sex and I'm some sort of chump that has no idea.


Why are you assuming this is what he's thinking? That he's objectifying your wife like that, like she's just another notch on his belt? Is it because this is what you would think if the roles were reversed?

The reality is that he almost certainly doesn't view this in that way. Men who are not *******s generally don't think like this. "Ha ha, I banged his wife years ago and he has no idea!" Yeah, no.

More likely, when you go back to her country, one of two things will happen. He'll avoid her/you entirely, because the situation may be awkward for him, too. Or he doesn't care because it's no big deal.

But you're making this out to be something much bigger than it is, or should be. You're assuming he'll be walking around thinking he's got one over on you, for some reason. Dude, she married you. She's sleeping with you now. He isn't. That isn't much of a 'win' in his column, if you ask me.

Bottom line - yeah, totally awkward. Most of us have been there, done that. Occasionally it's unavoidable, like in this situation. He's a family friend, and he can't be ostracized simply because he had a relationship with your wife sometime before you even came along.

As long as she doesn't have any contact with him on her own (ie. reaching out to him, FB friends, maintaining contact etc.) then it's no big deal. But you can't expect mutual friends (or in this case, family members) to do such a thing. He's their friend, not hers, not yours. The most you can reasonably expect is that your wife will keep herself and you away from him as best as she can. If a group of them are going out somewhere, including him, while you guys are visiting, for example, she can politely decline. That sort of thing.

This is entirely about your feelings on this matter, and how your wife respects those feelings (as she should, IMO). She shouldn't put you in any position that you guys are all hanging out together - provided she has any control over it.

This isn't about him, at all.

*ETA - it occurred to me that this guy is her brother's best friend. He knows they had a fling/relationship/whatever. She can just simply tell HIM to not bring him around while they're there. Nobody else has to know, problem solved.

I'm reasonably certain her brother, of all people, will understand the situation, and even if he doesn't, that he'd respect her wishes.


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## redsox1762 (Mar 19, 2017)

Definitely a lot of good input here. I get the car analogy from both of you. I think this issue has a lot to do with objectification like you said, and my rage is directed at both my wife's desire for other men in the past as well as those men. In my mind, they have one up over me and objectify her as a notch on their belt. However , people including women have needs and do whatever they feel like doing. I guess the feeling is that her past makes me not want to fully love her.

My only idea of how to proceed may be to have her tell her brother(which bothers me , because bringing that up belittles our relationship). It drives me wild thinking that other people know. I don't know why. So for now unless things get much worse I think she will talk to him directly if need be or Whatever. However my manly urge wants to just let him show up and then let him know he's not welcome , this would make every body talk about it and make the issue even worse.


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## redsox1762 (Mar 19, 2017)

She also said it's no big deal. For her and him maybe, but I'm the one left feeling lousy. Sometimes it bothers me so much I feel like telling her she can go to her home country by herself. Thinking about this is a quick way to ruin any magical feeling you have. Of course you don't think about it much when you're just dating and there is no real liability. But now that you're together forever supposedly, you have to live with what the other has done.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I have already expressed my over all feeling about your situation. But, do have one idea that might help. Instead of your wife telling her family to not allow him around or you causing a scene, your wife could write him on Facebook (you did say that he's on Facebook right?) and ask him to please not come around where the two of you are when you are visiting. That she thinks it would be disrespectful to you. This would leave her family out of it and just deal with the source of the issue.
> 
> Have you told your wife that this is making your feel like you wish you were single, or never married her?


If she writes him a message personally to say not to come around, I am not sure it will achieve the desired effect. Or it might have more side effects than positive effects. It will look like she might still have feelings towards him and if she says that it's to do with her husband's jealousy, it will make the husband look petty.

I think the problem, as I see it, is mainly the fact that his wife does not seem to acknowledge her husband's feelings and it's possibly also due to the fact with the way he presented it to her ("I would not allow him to come around" etc). Perhaps I would try explaining how it makes you feel, and why. She could for example promise to do everything she can to ignore him etc. You are the one in more of a vulnerable position (IMO). I would probably 'suck it up' and go (otherwise it would be petty) but only if I had reassurance and knew my wife would make every possible effort to avoid any contact with her ex.

Our mind can play many tricks on us and exaggerate things. I don't think those feelings are invalid; they have to find a way to deal with them. The past happened, so there's nothing you can do. The fact is that she didn't know you when she was involved with someone (it's not like she was screwing the other guy and thinking 'yeah, i am going to show my husband' etc, however I can appreciate how graphic images could create paranoia in your mind. I don't really have a good solution for the latter problem (the images). I think with time you will get used to it as you feel more confident about your wife's feelings & bond towards you?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

redsox1762 said:


> She also said it's no big deal. For her and him maybe, but I'm the one left feeling lousy. Sometimes it bothers me so much I feel like telling her she can go to her home country by herself. Thinking about this is a quick way to ruin any magical feeling you have. Of course you don't think about it much when you're just dating and there is no real liability. But now that you're together forever supposedly, you have to live with what the other has done.


I think you definitely have a right to feel the way you do about this and it's quite insensitive of your wife to ignore your feelings and insist that it's no big deal. How would she feel if you did this to her? Has she been receptive about your brother asking him not to come around when you are there?


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Many people have no desire or inclination to eat dinner or otherwise socially engage with exes.
> 
> I know a little bit about sex being private. LOL!
> 
> ...


Again, no one is asking OP to be buddies with this guy. Just maybe to shake his hand and not fly into a jealous rage just because he finds himself in the same room with him. Not to much to ask of a mature adult, IMHO. 

I tell ya, if my husband had this kind of reaction just because we happened to run into an ex lover of mind, he wouldn't have to dump me ...


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

redsox1762 said:


> She also said it's no big deal. For her and him maybe, but I'm the one left feeling lousy. Sometimes it bothers me so much I feel like telling her she can go to her home country by herself. Thinking about this is a quick way to ruin any magical feeling you have. Of course you don't think about it much when you're just dating and there is no real liability. But now that you're together forever supposedly, you have to live with what the other has done.


So why don't you just leave her, then? You can concentrate on finding someone super chaste, so you'll never have to face these feelings or doubts again. You certainly won't have to own them or deal with them. 

There have been times when I have talked about or introduced past lovers to my husband and called them friends. Why?
Because it was true. The relationship we've always had was just friends .... and just because we happened to have a fling somewhere in there really doesn't mean anything. It was just a fling, and we were never really anything but friends. No big deal. 

Leave her if you will, but don't let your paranoia get the best of you. Just because people are determined to assume the worst and ensure that all blame lies elsewhere and absolutely never with themselves ..... doesn't make it so.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

After reading several of the OP’s posts, I don’t think that his issue is just this one guy. He mentioned that her sexual past bothers him… maybe that she had more sexual partners than he did? But basically, it’s not just this on guy. But this one guy has become the icon that represents her entire sexual past. It’s a way he can complain about it without coming out and telling her that he does not see her the same as he did before. Somehow, she is less now. 

I think he just needs to divorce his wife. There is no way to solve this because if she tells the guy to stay away… some people think that looks like she still has feelings or the guy. If she tells her family to not have the guy around when they visit, even though he lives with a member of her family, then it hurts her reputation in the family and will most likely cause a lot of friction between him, his wife and her family.

redsox1762, the only workable solution here is to divorce your wife. Then make sure you interview women before you get serious with them to make sure that their sexual past and the people around them fit your requirements.


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## megamuppet (Feb 13, 2017)

People usually only feel insecure when someone has given them a reason to. You cannot judge your wife on something she did before you. That's not fair at all. Think about it if it was the other way around. If you had sex with your sisters best friend and she was still around family events. And your wife insisted that you tell your family that the ex is not welcome at events she attends. If she does she will make a huge scene? How would you feel? Not good I bet. Your wife probably will not tell her family because she knows she will need them all when her marriage ends. You sound like you already have one foot out of the door and the fact that she wants it to work and you seem quite happy to throw the towel in makes me think maybe you should let her go, unless you are willing to get the help you need. 

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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Well a 'middle of the road' solution might be if the brother spoke to the friend/ex and told him it's not a good idea for him to stick around in her presence. But make it sound as if it's coming from him. Divorcing seems a bit extreme; I cannot believe her sexual past can be that much of a bother to ruin their whole future but if that's what it has to take...The only thing I wonder is if her past is bothering him, will the future not bother him too? (She'll be just be having sex with more guys after they divorce...)


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

redsox1762 said:


> Hi, thanks for your response. She doesn't have a reputation for being promiscuous at all. Also, i believe I do trust her. It's more shame and anger that I feel that my wife slept with a man, who's close to her family. I feel devalued, pushed aside, territorial and just irritated. I've basically told her I won't allow him to be around us. I can't help but get angry and show it. I feel like confronting the guy if he tries to show up at our family's house. She says she doesn't know if I'll ever be happy with her. And, I really don't know.


It could be you are feeling threatened. Your territory has an interloper. Not that this means you distrust your wife, it means you distrust this man. It could be a rational judgement, or it could be irrational (but still real).

If you are feeling devalued or pushed aside, that would indicate you don't feel your wife is prioritizing you over him, or you feel your wife is still too interested in him. Now we're getting into the jealousy arena rather than the fear arena.

My take is that you two need much better boundaries. I think it was the book "Not Just Friends" but I could be mistaken (can somebody correct this?) which describes walls around the marriage, windows within the marriage. Both of you individually and together should be putting protective walls around the marriage to protect it. Again, it isn't distrust of each other but distrust of interlopers. And, we are all humans who can fail. So keep the threats away. This means no ex lovers on social media. No date-like events with one on one get togethers with the opposite sex (excepting infrequent unavoidable mandatory work related events). No hanging out with toxic people who encourage bad behavior. Windows within the marriage means no secrets. You have each others' passwords, and there is no problem with your spouse looking at your phone or your emails.

You've actually done a good thing having the discussion about past partners though it is causing a rough patch right now. Imagine if you'd waited 10 years and then found out this guy you've been hanging with was a former lover of your wife.

While you cannot control her family, you can certainly minimize your interactions with him around. Depending on the family issues, you can approach some of her family about not inviting this guy to events which you are going to. You don't have to go into great detail, just say your wife and him had a relationship before, and you both agree it is best to minimize contact with such people.

And you need to observe your wife disavow any further association with previous lovers. Perhaps this is more of the problem for you? In an ideal world your spouse would offer to happily remove previous lovers from any interactions in the future. Remove them from their Facebook, phone contact list, etc. Ideally she would say you mean so much more to her than he does, and thus it is simple to break all ties with him.

The past is the past when it remains in the past. It sounds like your issues are from the past remaining in your present lives.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

wild jade said:


> Again, no one is asking OP to be buddies with this guy. Just maybe to shake his hand and not fly into a jealous rage just because he finds himself in the same room with him. Not to much to ask of a mature adult, IMHO.
> 
> I tell ya, if my husband had this kind of reaction just because we happened to run into an ex lover of mind, he wouldn't have to dump me ...


The OP has a harsher reaction than is healthy do to RJ.

However, I am at the other end of the spectrum from him concerning insecurity and retroactive jealousy. I have zero interest in looking at one of my wife's exes much less shake his hand.

Her first husband actually tried to engage us on the street and I positioned myself between him and my then girlfriend while still walking, not acknowledging him.

I am not, nor ever was, intimidated by him or jealous of him. I am territorial and have healthy boundaries.

My marriage is into it's 22nd year and we are continuing to succeed.

I would probably be a little more civil with an ex of hers now but still wouldn't be interested in socializing or eating with him.

Different strokes. I'm not calling your boundaries unhealthy but neither are mine.

I'm taking issue with your position on that alone.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> After reading several of the OP’s posts, I don’t think that his issue is just this one guy. He mentioned that her sexual past bothers him… maybe that she had more sexual partners than he did? But basically, it’s not just this on guy. But this one guy has become the icon that represents her entire sexual past. It’s a way he can complain about it without coming out and telling her that he does not see her the same as he did before. Somehow, she is less now.
> 
> I think he just needs to divorce his wife. There is no way to solve this because if she tells the guy to stay away… some people think that looks like she still has feelings or the guy. If she tells her family to not have the guy around when they visit, even though he lives with a member of her family, then it hurts her reputation in the family and will most likely cause a lot of friction between him, his wife and her family.
> 
> redsox1762, the only workable solution here is to divorce your wife. Then make sure you interview women before you get serious with them to make sure that their sexual past and the people around them fit your requirements.


I do not agree that divorce is a good answer here.

He has an emotional problem that is the main cause and she has a complex issue to resolve about a family friend.

Divorce won't solve it for the OP. Is that who we are trying to help here?

If he divorces, he will still have RJ.

Maybe RJ and how to cope with this situation in a healthy manner for OP should be addressed?


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> redsox1762, the only workable solution here is to divorce your wife. Then make sure you interview women before you get serious with them to make sure that their sexual past and the people around them fit your requirements.


Another option is just to forego marriage or LTR altogether. That way he can maintain emotional distance and avoid any feelings of vulnerability and insecurity forever.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

wild jade said:


> Another option is just to forego marriage or LTR altogether. That way he can maintain emotional distance and avoid any feelings of vulnerability and insecurity forever.


Or....

He could work on overcoming his RJ?

More men seem to have it but women suffer as well.

Should my wife divorce me? She has mild RJ.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I dunno I read thru this thread, my gut reaction is that the OP should be thankful his wife had lovers in the past, Because that thing she does that drives him wild, she probably learned from one of them. First off the OP was foolish NOT to have had this discussion before he married this woman. Second off it happened a long time ago before he was in the picture. As Wild Jade said if he is that butt hurt over something she did well before she met him, maybe he needs to go to a monastery and live a life of celibacy. Contrary to what some one said, one's insecurity is not a result of some one else's action, that would be suspicion. Insecurity comes from within. It sounds like the OP is insecure about himself. He some how feels this guy is a threat despite the fact that his wife is not with the other guy, she is with him.


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## redsox1762 (Mar 19, 2017)

Honestly, I think it just sucks. I can imagine he'll be at her family's house and I'll have to put up with the thought of her having sex with him. I think about the people my wife has had sex with all the time...it's something that makes me angry. So, it's definitely my issue, but in the end like some people have said, I fooled myself into denying that she has had a sexual past to whatever extent. I should probably fix this situation before we go years in and I still have this problem. We're married now, but I think the best option is to either give it some time. She herself has said she would understand if I can't get over it and we needed to separate. I think in the end, that's what will eventually happen. However, I guess I'll give it some time, see how I feel, and then discuss with her when the time comes if I think I won't be able to get over it. I know some people on here can look at things differently, but to me, it's a constant disappointment to have this person around in our family life, to have these thoughts, and to wonder if they'll ever go away.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

redsox1762 said:


> Honestly, I think it just sucks. I can imagine he'll be at her family's house and I'll have to put up with the thought of her having sex with him.
> \I think about the people my wife has had sex with all the time...it's something that makes me angry. So, it's definitely my issue, but in the end like some people have said, I fooled myself into denying that she has had a sexual past to whatever extent.


This is where you need help. These are conversations you both should have had pre-marraige.



> I should probably fix this situation before we go years in and I still have this problem. We're married now, but I think the best option is to either give it some time. She herself has said she would understand if I can't get over it and we needed to separate. I think in the end, that's what will eventually happen. However, I guess I'll give it some time, see how I feel, and then discuss with her when the time comes if I think I won't be able to get over it. I know some people on here can look at things differently, but to me, it's a constant disappointment to have this person around in our family life, to have these thoughts, and to wonder if they'll ever go away.


If you really love her you get help. Time inside your own head WILL NOT resolve this issue. That's just as silly as divorcing and searching out a virgin. They exist, but good luck finding one that is going to fit everything you love about your wife. Nope, not saying it won't happen, but the time you search looking for someone new is the same time or less you fix the problem. Here's the real issue, this mental defect can and may transfer to some other aspect in a new relationship. All you will do is get mad because your new woman said "HI" to someone or something just as inane.
You both had sex with other people, get over it. 


To be clear, I have no problem with your anger about eating at dudes house and finding out after marriage "BTW, we had sex." It is everything else and your anger which is highly worrisome. It tends to lead to an unbalanced and abusive relationship. Go get help and then pull the plug on your marriage if nothing changes. Help FOR YOU.


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## redsox1762 (Mar 19, 2017)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> This is where you need help. These are conversations you both should have had pre-marraige.
> 
> 
> If you really love her you get help. Time inside your own head WILL NOT resolve this issue. That's just as silly as divorcing and searching out a virgin. They exist, but good luck finding one that is going to fit everything you love about your wife. Nope, not saying it won't happen, but the time you search looking for someone new is the same time or less you fix the problem. Here's the real issue, this mental defect can and may transfer to some other aspect in a new relationship. All you will do is get mad because your new woman said "HI" to someone or something just as inane.
> ...


No, I wouldn't get mad because somebody said hi. I do agree that retroactive jealousy might have an OCD component. To be clear, i ate dinner at that guy's house when he wasn't there not to cause an inconvenience for everyone else. I knew at that time what happened between them. This is the one aspect, the fact that this guy is still around my family and I have to run into him that I don't like about my relationship. I can't really afford or have the time for counseling, so I'm talking to some of my family members. They also say I'm crazy and that she's a great girl. The thing about the past is yes it's the past but it will never change. And, that really makes me feel terrible. So, to be honest with myself, I think she's a great girl, but I don't think this is gonna go away. So perhaps your advice about ending the marriage might be correct. I'm going to talk to some family today and then decide what to do.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

redsox1762 said:


> No, I wouldn't get mad because somebody said hi.


 You nor I, know what you will do in the future. Still, if you have jealousy this bad it isn't going to get better. You want to confront a man who had EVERY RIGHT to have sex with a willing participant. Your wife had EVERY RIGHT to have sex with this guy. Her family doesn't have to remove him at your request as he was a friend before you existed in their eyes. He is also friends with a family member. You can be mad at your wife for not telling you the truth, but everything else is your own mental issues.


> This is the one aspect, the fact that this guy is still around my family and I have to run into him that I don't like about my relationship. I can't really afford or have the time for counseling, so I'm talking to some of my family members. They also say I'm crazy and that she's a great girl.


 This is the irrational part. You have a problem and don't want to TAKE THE TIME to fix it. If you have some time to type and respond on a forum, you have time for counseling.



> The thing about the past is yes it's the past but it will never change. And, that really makes me feel terrible. So, to be honest with myself, I think she's a great girl, but I don't think this is gonna go away. So perhaps your advice about ending the marriage might be correct. I'm going to talk to some family today and then decide what to do.


The choice is yours even if I think it is highly irrational.


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