# What am I doing wrong?



## rescueme (Jun 16, 2009)

It has taken me so long to post here. I'm a very private person but I'm so lost right now that I no longer know how to move on. Let me start by saying that with my profession I'm the one used to helping others and not burdening anyone with my problems. I'm a career firefighter with three wonderful boys who I love so very much! I work a 24 hour on 48 hours off schedule and spend all of my off duty time taking care of my kids. My wife works a 40 hour week and is home every evening and on the weekends. Where I'm getting at with this??? Well my wife tells me so often that I don't do anything for the kids or her. I question her and she tells me to stop. She complains about how I fold the laundry, how I cook the meals, how the dishes were put up, what I buy when I grocery shop, and I really don't want to go on. I have a lot of time at home so I do most of the domestic things. I do them because I can and I want her to not have to worry when she gets home about having a list of things needing done. I wouldn't mind simple occasional criticism but I get it all of the time. She never was like this before. Ever since our 2 year old was born this started in. She was so quick to tell me and others how I never did anything for her or my newborn. I took nearly a month off of work to be at home. I feel like I'm only complaining here but I try so hard and bite my tongue so much, I can't much longer. My kids only go to daycare on my duty days (one or two days during the week) and I take care of them everyday off. I love having this time with them but there are days I'm so tired when I come home from the firehouse but I don't complain I smile and try my best. I look forward to my wife coming home from work to see here beautiful face and for a little relief but that rarely happens. I find myself feeding the kids cleaning up the mess, folding the laundry and eventually sitting down around 10 or so. She tells me how tired she is from her job and that I get to sit around all day. Ok enough about the chores I do it is now moving into our intimacy. We don't have sex, we have had sex 3 times this year and that didn't amount too much. I love any chance I get to be intimate with my wife but there is always something...tired, morning noon and night, mad, there's something good on tv...etc... She gets so mad at me if I try to talk to her about "us". She says she doesn't want to have sex let alone touch me because I'm so mean to her. ??? I don't know what I missing here. I send her flowers to work, I send her little emails to let her know I love her. I leave her cards on the bed once in a while when I work a long shift to let her know that I'm always thinking of her. I'm not a perfect guy but I'm a guy who tries so hard to be a good man, a good father, and a good husband. I don't sit at the bars, I don't golf or fish anymore (no time anymore) I keep the yard and house well kept, my kids are good kids with good grades and plenty of activities to keep them busy. I just want to know what I've done so wrong, why am I being punished or treated so poorly for just trying...Ok the complaining has gone on way too long and this is so not like me! You know what though it has felt slightly better to at least type this out. But I can't continue like this.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

It is demeaning when you _know_ your personality does NOT include "complaining whiner" and when you feel like you are doing things _right,_ and something isn't clicking in your relationship. It is like if things would go like they should go, you would not then forced into the role of whining, complaining, or looking for an understanding female adult elsewhere. You are missing the intimacy, love, and happy wife? 

You are communicating your frustration here, it does not sound like whining at all! This is what I read: 

A) Worried you are going to lose a wife and family. 
B) You can't figure out what to do to make her happy like she once was. 
C) You know something is going to have to "give".
D) You feel about to "lose it" aka turn to a willing female ear to feel appreciated and wanted sexually. 
E) You simply want your wife to go back to accepting you for the kind, loving husband and father you are. 
D) Sex three times this year isn't enough for anyone in MY world, so that desire on your part is certainly reasonable. 

Why don't you remove, from *your* post, all reference to typing it here on this forum and give it to your wife as a note/letter?

You clearly love your family. You do need to realize three sons, a wife that works 40 hours a week, and a firefighter working hours firefighters work will CHANGE your relationship BIG time.

How old are your boys? MUST your wife work full time?


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Oh, and my Dad, who is now 75 was a firefighter all his life and Fire Chief for *25* of his 50 years.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Is it possible there is someone else? There are warning signs here that would indicate there is either an EA or PA going on...

Preacher


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## rescueme (Jun 16, 2009)

My boys are 11, 9, and 2
and yes and no to if she needs to work full time...she can spend money

I've wrote this down to her before and she says it's all my fault...she has told me before that sometimes if I just said I was sorry things would improve??? Sorry for what being upset that I get tired of being criticized for doing so much. She has told me sorry once that i can ever remember, I reminded her of this and her answer was that I'm the one who does the screwing up...this isn't like her


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## Terran007 (Jun 14, 2009)

I agree, it sounds as if there's something else going on that you don't know about.

And no, you're not coming off at all as if you are as whining here. Either there is a part of this story that is missing, or there's something going on that _you're_ missing.

Either way, it is good that you've told us these things and all, but are these things that you have told *her*?


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## rescueme (Jun 16, 2009)

I've tried telling her in so many ways...and yes I've looked at all angles regarding someone else. She says I'm just a jealous. I'm far from a jealous person and she swears to me that she desires no one else. I gave her all my trust but now I truly wonder what is going on. Not sounding stuck on myself but I don't deserve to be treated like this. I'm in my 30s and with my job it can all be over at any given moment. I don't live with regrets and I try to smile as much as I can...it's harder to do these days but I still try. What I mean is, I don't want to be miserable, I want my kids to see a happy home and happy parents, and not an act.


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## Terran007 (Jun 14, 2009)

If the resources allow, I would try to hire a private investigator, because there has to be something going on that you don't know about. When she say's you're just jealous, what exactly is she referring to? Do you hound her about hanging out with / being friends with certain men? Or is that just a comment that is out of the blue? 

Sometimes when people are guilty, they will counter-accuse just to not get caught, or to divert the issue at hand. That would be a big red flag for me. I'd also go through your account(s) and phone / internet record with a fine tooth comb if you can't hire an investigator. Although I would suggest both. But when do resources ever allow this? lol


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

I don't think you need a private investigator to find the mime in a room full of clowns here...

I would bet money there is someone else. Get your head out of the sand and stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop trying to be a martyr.

You need to look deep into this relationship and find out what's going on...there is more here than you either realize or you're just ignoring the obvious.

You're marriage is in serious trouble and there is very likely someone else involved with her.

Preacher


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## marriagehelp12 (Apr 8, 2009)

expect nothing. Be yourself always, especially during these times. She needs to see that you are okay even when things are not right. Show strength and confidence in yourself even if you do not necessarily feel this way at the time.


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## troubled_lady (Jun 6, 2009)

hi!
i know its hard to have someone tell you that there is something else going on... but sir, i can almost be 100% sure that there is... i know thats a hard thing to handle but its true... my husband is a police officer, i am 9 months pregnant and he is cheating on me, and i lost my job when i was 4 months pregnant and havent had one sice cause no1 would hire me...obviously...so i sit at home ALL day and clean and take care of everything! excpet mowing the grass and changing lightbulbs and such things that a pregnant woman cant really do, i also have had several unexplained seizures while being pregnant but that doesnt seem to matter to him! he thinks that becasue he works for 3 days then off for 2 and then work for 2 days and off for 3, plus works a 4 hour security job at a bank, so he basically works EVERYDAY and i am sure up to 80 hours a week, but he thinks that i should be able to take care of EERYTHING so that he doesnt have too, and hes right but it would be more understandable if i werent about to have a baby anyday now... i had a seizure in the car with him the other day and he took me to the ER and on the way home he says to me "i sure am glad nothing bad ever happens to me cause we couldnt afford it with all your hospital bills, i dont know why ur so sick and weak all the time now you dont do anything and i mean NOTHING, all u do is lay around and keep the inside of the house neat",... how do u think that made me feel?? so i know what ur going through, when nothing is ever good enough and u honestly KNOW ur trying and they seem to not care about anything anymore! my husband is cheating on me and has been for awhile... and everything u said in ur post i have already been through...and this is where it has lead me... maybe you should just unleash on her?? not be mean or abusive but just one night when shes watchin tv or w/e go and turn it off, and start by sayin "ok, NOW I have something to say", and tell her that u feel unappreciated and u feel like there is something going on with her and someone else, really tell her how she has made u feel, and if she gets pissed, that u turned of the tv and doesnt wanna talk about "us", then she's probably thinking...there is no "us", so all u can do is say fine, just know i tried, and i am not gonna try anymore, and STOP everything, no more taking care of things, let them go, let her handle them, and show her how much she really needs you, cause there arent many men who will just take over all home responsibilities so the wife doesnt have to... even when i had a job and was working 40 hours a week, and my husband didnt have the 2nd job i was still expected to do all the house work becasue he said "they are my wifely duties"... and if she says ur jealous, say NO! i'm not jealous, i am concerned and heartbroken because i have been made to feel this way, and all u can say is I'm jealous, which only means that u really think i am, cause thers is something for me to be questioning... she obviously has nothing for you right now, my husband hasnt slept with me since i got pregnant, which ironically was the month after he cheated on me the first time and i found out about it... so go figure... its been 9 months and nothing for me, and I was the one begging... so yea, i am pretty sure there is someone else, she may not have acted on it yet, and maybe why shes so angry all the time, becasue she wants too, and then again she may have and just really wants out.. serisouly ur gonna have to just talk to her and if she doesnt want to listen or walks away, u know where her heart is and u need to get out of it before your kids are affected, because i am sure they have picked up on the intensity and uncomforting air around them... good luck with everything and keep us posted


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## rescueme (Jun 16, 2009)

Well I sit alone again tonight. My wife has been in bed since 7:30 and I took care of the things around the house again. I will give her a benefit of the doubt tonight she says she didn't feel well. She had this illness last night as well ? I needed to try and mow this evening before it rained but she wouldn't watch our youngest so I could. Instead she bit my head off and told me I should of done it earlier today instead of just sitting around. Well while my youngest took his afternoon nap I trimmed the bushes out back, pulled weeds around the patio and when he was up we ran errands, paid bills, I did paperwork and got a quick workout in. Not much sitting around. Ok I'm done but I do feel slightly better I feel as if even though it's just typing it is venting and I needed that. Thanks all!


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Wow Rescueme, I hate to agree w/everyone but it does sound like she's got something going on and she's feeling damn guilty about it and you're taking the brunt of that. I'll be quite honest w/you if my man was doing all the things you do well sh*t this girl right here would be in heaven thanking the angels for sending me a gift from above. I'm not trying to inflate your ego or anything of the sorts. But if you do as you say you do then this woman should be damn proud of you.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Just because she is critical and distant emotionally or physically doesn't make her a cheater. She could simply be unhappy with her life. After having my second son, my husband told me he wasn't going to help with the kids. So I stayed home, I did everything for our two sons for about three solid years, and never really got over the resentment and hate toward my husband. Yes, I was critical. Yes, I complained. Yes, I was depressed. Yes, I tried to cope by getting attention elsewhere. Yes, we very raely have sex. I still don't know where to break the cycle. If husbands and wives always understood and supported each other, then there won't be a need for such forums, marriage counseling, or divorce lawyers. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.


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## dontwanttobeme (Feb 24, 2009)

Boy, I read your post and I think - WOW! You are a good husband. I am the wife, mother and breadwinner of the family. My husband works but I make 6 times more than he does..so the pressure is on me to keep the money coming in -- he loves the money and status but doesn't like the responsibilities. I will say this, just because she is acting like this, doesn't mean she is a cheater. While I wouldn't rule out the concerns -- I will say my husband cooks and cleans but runs from childcare. He insists on having a nanny WHILE he is HOME. He watches our son for abotu an hour in the morning. That's it. Me on the other hand (I feel guilty having the nanny!) And I'm TIRED! I get about 4 hours a sleep a night so I can relate to you....working all the time. 

I definitely agree that you should talk with her. If you are ready to say adios ...put it all out there. Counseling? It's worth a shot. Maybe she is depressed? Hates her life? You can't fix her -- but you can motivate her to fix herself if she doesn't want to lose you. 

Just don't continue being resentful. That's how I have been for a long time and it does a ton of damage to the relationship -- without even saying a a word. 

My husband makes me dinners, and cleans the house (when the cleaning lady/nanny is off  ) HE probably thinks that makes him entitled to sex too. I HATE having sex with him because we are not in sync. I am resentful..and can't feel connected to him. This could be how she is feeling? Just communicate -- I am trying to do that too. Doesn't always work but at least you will know you tried. 

Good luck!


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## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

Hello there

I think you should try and talk to her to see what is actually wrong. It does seem that there is something but she might not be cheating.

I wish my husband would help out a lot more in the house and with the kids but he is trying but maybe too late not sure yet.

Maybe she does want out but that is probably really hard for her to say to you.

In event look after yourself she may come out of this on her own.

Good luck


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I got a lot of the same treatment you are getting. In my case, I played the role of dutiful and devoted husband while she continued to take a back-seat, or would try to over emphasize the importance of what little she did do.
So I stopped.
I stopped doing things because they were expected, or to be 'nice'. I would wager that there is no other course of action that will deliver results quicker. The caveat is, that you need to be prepared for what happens next - which will be one of two things:

1. She recognizes that the marriage is in crisis and engages with you to repair it.
2. She continues to distance herself, and becomes more abusive, with no intention to repair it.

Actually there is a third option, which is the one my spouse took:
She recognizes that the marriage is in crisis, but continues to distance herself anyway.
In my case, my wife transitioned from an EA to PA.

I felt like I was carrying the marriage - whether it succeeded or failed rested on my shoulders and my actions. In the end, that was true. 
I see some of the same things in what you describe. My wife felt like she had power and control (over me). She depended upon our relationship functioning in that manner. So, I simply took it away. When she realized that she had absolutely no power or influence over the decisions I make, she literally didn't know what to do.

Stand up for yourself. Be angry. Give what you get. But you do need to accept that a distinct possibility of taking such action could mean the end of the marriage. But, if you don't have a partner willing to work with you in the first place, you don't really have a marriage.


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## Terran007 (Jun 14, 2009)

Deejo said:


> I got a lot of the same treatment you are getting. In my case, I played the role of dutiful and devoted husband while she continued to take a back-seat, or would try to over emphasize the importance of what little she did do.
> So I stopped.
> I stopped doing things because they were expected, or to be 'nice'. I would wager that there is no other course of action that will deliver results quicker. The caveat is, that you need to be prepared for what happens next - which will be one of two things:
> 
> ...


QFT.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

rescueme-

This is a curious case.

I think there are two possibilities:

1)She is having an affair, and biting your head off as a cover up.
2)You and she simply do not speak the same language. So even though you appear to be doing everything she could possibly want, it is not in the format she wants. So she keeps repeatedly telling you she wants you to do more - and you do, but it's not what she actually wants. It's like a person who orders chicken, and he gets served fish - it does not matter how good the fish is, it will not fill the chicken shaped hole!

This link changed my marriage, I realised my wife and I had a bit of this going on: "Ask Dr. Tracy" Love Library


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> ....So even though you appear to be doing everything she could possibly want, it is not in the format she wants. So she keeps repeatedly telling you she wants you to do more - and you do, but it's not what she actually wants. It's like a person who orders chicken, and he gets served fish - it does not matter how good the fish is, it will not fill the chicken shaped hole.....


:iagree:

I told my dh I've wanted to go live on a sailboat in the Caribbean for our retirement a million times, and all I get is laughed at. The first guy that comes along with a sailboat and his retirement plan....well, I'm _history_!

But seriously, maybe she IS speaking and you are not hearing. She sounds really angry. You said it started with the birth of the 2 yo? Was the 2 yo planned or a marriage "fix it" baby?


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## rescueme (Jun 16, 2009)

He was a planned baby.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

What do you think she may be so angry about?


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## rescueme (Jun 16, 2009)

Just a wonderful update...today was fathers day and I have three amazing boys that I got to spend the day with, however my wife never once told me happy fathers day. I got up the nerve to ask her why and she told me that the day wasn't over yet and that I never got her anything??? Well she's in bed and went there without saying anything to me and for the getting her things...there has never been a holiday go by that she never got anything from me and the kids. For mothers day the boys and I took a bunch of pictures and put them in a really cool frame and bought her a very expensive piece to add to her collection. So maybe I heard her all wrong about her never getting anything but I could care less about never getting anything, I'm kinda used to it but she could of at least told me happy fathers day. So off to sleep I go again with major disappointment in my life and wonder as to what in the hell I have ever done to deserve this.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

She is not telling you something or is angry, resentful. 

You need to confront her:scratchhead:. 

Her going to bed without saying anything is rude and just uncalled for...and just plain emotional spouse abuse.

Good luck cornering her. Try getting a sitter, plan a night out with her, dinner - and just lay it out there with her. Tell her counseling and discussion or the door. 

Better than continuing with "Mystery Playhouse"...:scratchhead: Your kids need to see a happy dad! She cannot possibly be happy either.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

rescueme said:


> So off to sleep I go again with major disappointment in my life and wonder as to what in the hell I have ever done to deserve this.


Se is either very very resentful of something, and wants you to use telepathy to work out what it is, OR she is having some sort of affair.


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## rescueme (Jun 16, 2009)

Well I'm still sitting up alone in the evenings around my house still. I just came off working a 48 hour shift and I'm beat. My wife had me doing all kinds of chores from the time I stepped in the door. I didn't even get a chance to eat. I'm actually at peace right now, the house is calm and no one is bugging me. I'm sitting all comfy in my chair not having to worry about my truck company getting called out and hopefully going to get a decent nights sleep. But this is sad...this is all I get to look forward to after a long tour at work, me sitting all by myself. Ok one thing that I'm still upset about. I tried talking to my wife about where we are and she blew me off...nothing new...but, I told her it really bothers me because I want some sort of resolution or peace for the simple fact that life's short and believe me I see that first hand every shift. Her comment back to me was for me to stop telling her how much more dangerous my job is than hers because it's only a pitty statement and that if I get killed on the job then I'm just dead...she went on that if it's my time then it's my time. she told me to get out of the room and leave her alone. Well needless to say I got pissed but to no avail I was sitting in my chair watching reruns til 4am. Ok so that's my ***** session for the evening...sorry guys but this does make me feel better.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Could she be suffering from undiagnosed post-partum depression? you said this all began when the 3rd baby arrived, and that may be it. I would advise against anger toward her at this juncture--just a flat-out, honest, "Honey, our marriage is in trouble and I cannot fix it alone. Will you work with me?" Her response will tell you a lot--mostly, whether or not she wants to repair the marriage (not what she says as much as how she says it). You might want to say, "You don't have to give me an answer now. I'm not trying to attack you, I want us on the same team. Please think about what I said and let's talk at___________." Set a specific follow up time, where you can have a babysitter waiting and the two of you can take a walk or something. 

You can ask her if she things she might still have some PPD from the 2 year old's birth, and suggest she see her doctor just to check. If that proves an empty avenue--well, even if it doesn't, and she starts treatment--also make an appointment for a joint counseling session. Three kids is a lot, and they may be very draining on her when she's home since she's away so much, something you might not be able to see. 

Her sudden change, constant fatigue, and lack of interest in sex point to depression of some type. Could be avoidance and an affair, but I would not start with that assumption.

Also, decide what you will do if she refuses to work on the marriage. You can do individual counseling and some of the things others do to try to improve the marriage single-handedly. Or, you can tell her to leave. It doesn't make sense for you to leave if you are the primary care giver. She needs to accept responsibility for her actions/decisions, and this may wake her up. If you can be calm through the discussion, all the better. 

You sound like a great guy and I suspect there is really something more going on with her, but an affair just doesn't sound right based on what you've said here. But then, what do I know?


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## rescueme (Jun 16, 2009)

Well I'm on duty today and my wife told me last night that she wasn't watching my boys tonight and that I would just be out of luck. I am unable to take time off today and had no one to watch my kids since she was "punishing" me by stressing over what to do with the kids since I work 24 hour shifts. See she is going to hit the road when she gets home from work and wants me to once again spend the weekend home taking care of everything and everyone. Never mind the fact that Friday nights are crazy for my truck company and I will probably not get much sleep. But I'm used to that and now used to her pulling this crap. I wish I had a wife that once in a while would tell me that I'm doing a good job or tell me to go and take a nap. I'm not asking for much, hell I could be saying that I wish I had someone that would like to have sex more than 6 times a year or for someone that would help with some of the cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, etc.... I would just like to be able to kick back and relax for once. Well at least I was lucky enough to find someone to watch my boys so that's one worry off the list but damn...what next?


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Glad you found someone for the boys. So, she planned a weekend off on a trip and you had to work. Where did she go?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Dude, walk away and take the kids! She doesn't care any more... So sorry for that! Find that someone who will care for you.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

She sounds very unappriciative and spolied to me. I worked for years in a female dominated profession and have met women like that...............
they were spoiled teens and married, spoiled by their husbands and no real grasp of reality.
Don't know what to tell you, but I have met women like that...
controlling, critical, moody and demanding. They could not even fill their own expectations.


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## rescueme (Jun 16, 2009)

I have no idea...She gets all pissed off and off she goes. She thinks that all I do is control her??? I have never once told her what she can and can't do. She just gets all worked up and starts complaining. This time it was about me taking our youngest son to the doctor. she wanted me to take him then when I did with all the boys in tow, she complained about it???? I can't win for losing. She is off doing her thing once again while I'm here busting my butt and then I get to go home and clean up a mess and do some laundry so the boys have something to wear. Oh well off to another call, I'll check in later.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Yup, Friday night....at the station. Yikes! I worked in an ER once, Friday nights were just filled with fire and rescue in and out until about 4 am....same way some Saturday nights, but Fridays, Fridays are the really BUSY nights...

I feel for you. When my dh comes home after a week to two weeks flying, I WAIT two whole days before bringing up anything or demanding ANYTHING! 

I believe when a person gets off work, like you do, you need a few hours...do you get home in a.m. or p.m., how does your shift work work?

When I get off of a 12 hour, all night shift, I need down time for 2-3 hours before I can even begin to sleep in the daytime, so I can get sleep before the next shift that evening.....

So you are on 24 or 48 and off...what?

She works, too, doesn't she?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'm trying to figure out what you are afraid of?
statements like the following, have me scratching my head too:


> my wife told me last night that she wasn't watching my boys tonight and that I would just be out of luck.


Is your wife not the mother of your boys?

If even half of what you have posted is accurate, I cannot understand why you choose to tolerate the behavior, and feign ignorance of the possibilities when she chooses to disappear and go 'do her thing'.

If the roles were reversed, she were the male and you were the female, I'd wager most people would term this marriage as abusive.

I keep wondering just how bad the behavior on her part will have to be, prior to you either being completely fed up or at least challenging her that if the marriage doesn't change course there is no point in remaining married. 

Am I missing something? What's good in your marriage?


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

rescueme said:


> Well I'm on duty today and my wife told me last night that she wasn't watching my boys tonight and that I would just be out of luck.
> 
> I have no idea...She gets all pissed off and off she goes.


Are you serious? The mother of your children just up and says to you one morning that she's leaving town and the kids are yours no matter whether you have to work or not? And you do NOT know where she is going? Is she psycho? Mothers do not do that! Who does she go on these trips with? 

The sh*t would hit the fan in my house. No way, no how. Separate from all the other wrongs you are experiencing....this would have me taking the kids away. You don't just abandon your kids because you're mad and "paying back" your husband.

You need to put some serious action statements into your next conversation with her. I don't care if she blows you off, tells you to get out of the room....you're a firefighter, you're tough, and you're letting this woman control you like I've never seen before! Make a list of non-negotiables....she either comes clean with you and steps up to the plate, or she can go on one of her "trips" and not come home. You've got a set of balls...start using them!


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## rescueme (Jun 16, 2009)

Yeah I work 24 hours on and 48 hours off. I am most often beat when I get home. Where my problem stands is simple...I have been married once before and my ex gets a large portion of my pay check and my wife knows that she would get the same plus we have been together long enough that she would then in turn get a portion of my pension as well. I have three boys that I must put first and take care of. I do very well but would be hurting real bad if she gets anything close to what my ex gets. that's sad but it's the truth. I am stuck in a huge catch 22. I can't do this any longer but I must put my kids first. That's why I have tried so hard and have done all the things around the house that I do. I need them to be comfortable and know that there is a decent place to call home. We hardly ever fight in front of them and I keep them away from the stress as best as possible. I just feel so alone at trying to keep this ship afloat.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Actually, your second wife would likely get little to nothing unless you have been with her longer than ten years. She signed up knowing you have kids. Most of the money you give your ex is child support. The court is not going to make you hand over money to your second wife if it impacts your obligation for child support.

Those factors aside, you must recognize that there is no way this thing can sustain itself as is over the long term. Do you believe this woman loves and respects you?


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## rescueme (Jun 16, 2009)

Update time...I'm working a 48 overtime shift and actually I'm somewhat relieved to be at my firehouse. She is acting like a total baby this week. I asked her last night to tell the daycare that our youngest will be there for today since I would not be home. She told me to call them that she wasn't going to. I left it alone and my truck got busy anyways. She proceeded to send me nasty text messages throughout the evening telling me how bad a father I was. I never replied back to her. She has now stopped wearing her wedding set to prove a point...she has done this before. Doesn't bother me because frankly I don't care. She also has begun telling her friends that she is looking for a job back where she originally comes from...again oh well. She does this when she gets all pissed off like it is supposed to be some sort of punishment. She still is pissed that I took our youngest to the doctor and there wasn't anything wrong (or nothing that this veteran medic didn't know). See that pisses her off because she always tells me that I'm a know it all. She can't handle it when I'm remotely close to being right. But as soon as someone is sick or something is broke she comes running to me. Then when the dust settles I'm all of the sudden a know it all. Again what am I doing wrong??? Like I said before, I'm not perfect, I am faithful, I take care of the home, yard, kids, work a full time career job and even work some on the side. I pay all of the bills, earn the insurance, have a pension, and yes money doesn't make the world go around but she has no worries. I never have once stepped out on her, hell I'm home with the kids every day and evening when I'm off duty. I even take them with me when I go and workout. I have NO personal time what so ever! Ok so much for the update this has turned out to be another complaining too much session. Again I apologize and do wish that something changes so I could focus on helping others in here.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

She's checked out already. 

Honestly, something is going on. To me, there is either someone else already, or she's looking for someone else. It sounds like she is being a big b!tch so to get you to leave her so she doesn't have to do it and can come out looking like the victim (which it seems like she likes to portray).


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Keep doing what you are doing: focus on your boys. 

In the mean time, meet with an attorney to make a plan. Make sure she can't take your boys to some other state. 

Just be neutral and let her do her flopping around, as much as you can stand anyway.

Don't work too much, for the boy's sake.

SO, if you have to work, she makes you make the day care arrangements? Is she also working while you are working?


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Man, you totally don't deserve this! My Husband is the one that stays home with our boys during the day, because I can make more at my job (and they are paying for my Master's Degree), and we don't want our boys in daycare. He is an AMAZING father, and I can tell that you are too. This woman is off her rocker...Dad's that are so involved, don't come around every day, and she is too blind to appreciate what she has. 
I would never in a million years think to belittle my H for not doing good enough around the house, or bail out on my family for a weekend without a second thought. Something is going on with her...at first I did not think it was an affair, but the more I read, i'm not sure what else it could be to explain her behavior. Where did she go when she went out of town, and who was she with?
I don't get the need to punish you, unless there is a whole lot you're not putting out here. To take everything at face value, if she is not having an affair, then it just sounds like she is trying to make you miserable enough so you will bail out and leave her to the life she thinks she wants....but then, who is going to look after the kids she is too busy and self absorbed to watch IF you were to divorce?

You can't let her keep running over top of you like this. No sex, no comfort in your own home, and constant harping from her. YOU deserve better than this, and your boys don't need to grow up seeing their father walked all over, and their mother being a self-serving b*t*h. Its going to give them a warped view of what a relationship looks like. Since she obviously has no clue how to treat a man,a good man, its going to be up to you to show your boys that they deserve resepect as they grow up. The best way to show them that, it to demand it in your own life.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Curiosity question. What were things like when you first were together? What were you like? Where you a fireman at the time?


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

At this point there is no harm in laying it all out. Talk to her, or as much as she will allow. Tell her what you want and need. See if she will meet you halfway. If not, let her go.


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## rescueme (Jun 16, 2009)

Yes I was a firefighter, and she was much more supportive than she is now. She used to make sure she always said she loved me before I left to go to the firehouse...now she won't even open her eyes to see me out the door. She would much rather tell me how wrong I am and how horrible she has it. She told me she was sorry once and never has ever said it again. She says that I'm the one who always should be sorry. Life basically sucks...just found out from one of her friends that she told her that I'm always accusing her of cheating and that she is still young and good looking and doesn't deserve the bs...that's what my wife told her. Well life has dealt me the crappy hand and I will have to live with being butt ass broke and watch my kids be with someone else. I guess the extra shift and all the calls are getting to me.


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## Buda_Beast (Jul 15, 2009)

In times like this, it is so easy to just give up. But in the face of a tremendous fire, do you say "Man I can't do this?" and walk away? If someone life was at stake what would you do?

Think about yourself and your kids at this point. Have a real heart to heart talk with them so that they don't grow up thinking ill about their father or developing bad habits that may inhibit their marriages. If you gave your wife an ultimatum, tried to work things out, talk in the simplest terms I'd say she didn't love you anymore. She doesn't want to be with you but because of finances and maybe the kids, she can't leave, just yet.

Instead of spending your nights alone, beaten and bruised because of your wife, fight the flames and save your kids and your relationship with them. I would leave her, in all honesty, she has already left you.

Before all that though, really talk to your sons. Tell them how you feel, whats going on. This is so important for you to strengthen your bond with them. Aside from being a supporter, you need to mentor and nurture your kids, physically and spiritually. Talk to your kids, they may have some answers as to why she is acting this way. They may confirm some of the suspicions you and/or the forum have.


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## rescueme (Jun 16, 2009)

My marriage SUCKS!!!!!!!! She has no idea what she has done to us...I'm no saint but this has got to change. Her friends have even tried being upfront with her and she still points her finger at me. I know at least I have tried and that I have been a good father versus what she says. Her friends who I haven't always got along with have told me that I have been doing a good job regardless of what she says. I give up!


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

What exactly is keeping you there then?

Why aren't you asking her to leave? She likes to take off whenever she wants to anyway, why not tell her not to come back?


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## karajh (Jul 25, 2009)

First the main thing I can see is that she is very unhappy with her life. It could be that she feels like she is not important or that she has not accomplished what she wanted to with her life.. or she might feel that if this is all there is why bother.... She may also be depressed.

It also depends on what your sex life was like before this happened to say if she is cheating or not.. it obviously was pretty good if you have 3 kids. What does your gut tell you about the situation? I have found that when you feel like it is happening it is...

From an outsiders vantage point it certainly look like she is cheating even if it is just an EA, and if that is the case then you have to decide if you really do want to know or not.. if you do find out can you live with it? Your marriage is in real trouble any way you look at it... these situations do not just work themselves out without some type of help. I wish you the best of luck and I would try talking to her again.. but I can tell you from personal experience that if you talk to much they do quit listening and all it does is make them angry when you broach the subject!


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Am sorry it is so frustrating and lousy, Rescueme! Hug. Hang in there. Have you two tried counseling, do you think that may help or not? Do YOU want to do counseling? What are her MAIN issues with you?


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## rescueme (Jun 16, 2009)

I've tried counseling and tried having her go with me. She wants nothing to do with it. She continues to tell me I'm the only one with the problem. She has picked on me all day today and I'm on duty. I get blamed for everything! She won't even let me talk when it comes to defending myself or the kids. I'm checking out of this one...she obviously doesn't care. She sure as hell doesn't care about me. Kinda lonely around here because she doesn't even let me do anything with the kids that I want to do because she doesn't approve of it or I would be leaving the youngest out because he can't go to the batting cages or bigger kid activities. I'm a man that is capable of making choices for myself. I don't need a second mom.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Dude, I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this crap!

She's got some major problems. But until she realizes that, she won't be able to take steps to fix it. 

If she goes out (of town) again...change your locks (but make extra keys!!). If you have any idea when she'd return, take the boys out for McDs or something, an amusement park. Anywhere but home. 

I know your ex is getting part of your money. But, really, if I were you, I'd pay for her to be out of my life!


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Very odd she won't let you take older child to batting cages and leave younger one at home!

Why does she need to be alone so much?

Do you suppose there is another guy somewhere?

I find it VERY odd she won't do counseling.


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