# needing advice on lying husband



## sptfre (Dec 10, 2009)

I have been in my current relationship for 17 years, we have 2 children. My husband and i have been divorced once and got back together and remarried. When we got back together i told him i didnt want anymore lies. That is why our marriage failed the first time, he was a compulisive liar, he lied over stupid things, big things, etc. We have been married this time for almost 8 yrs. We are currently seperated due to him starting to lie again. I was on the verge of filing for divorce and had a change of heart, we are currently trying to work through issues, but i am still having my doubts that he still is holding secrets from me. We have done the counseling thing, it didnt not stop the lying then, i thought if i left it would help. I have not currently caught him in a lie for a little over 2 months now. I jsut get a feeling everyonce in awhile(today is one of those days) that he is still holding something back. I need to know if i am jsut setting myself and my kids up for more heartache. Two months ago he was found out that he had been spending time with another women(while we were seperated) he says nothing ever happened between them, but the other women says that it did, and that he told her he loved her. I have found emails from this women in regards to a kiss, and spending weekends together, and how much she loved him. I never found any replies from him to prove his side of the story. I have confronted him on all of it. He swears that nothing happened.
Sorry if im ranting and not making any sence i am jsut struggling with some trust issues and dont know where to turn.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Given the circumstances you outline - it's kind of hard to get a grasp on what's really going on.

17 years is a long time - were most of those years good years? Or, are they simply a reflection of how much you were willing to tolerate?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Has he ever had treatment for his lying? Lying for no reason is different from lying to avoid conflict (which is when most people lie). If he hasn't done that, maybe it's worth a try. 

I don't know what to tell you. 8 years of honesty? That's pretty good. I guess I'm trying to think about this as a form of addiction--what if he had an alcohol problem, and was sober 8 years, then fell off the wagon? I guess some pretty stringent, non-negotiable rules would have to be laid out.

Does he lie to the kids? Does his lying hurt them (emotionally, psychologically) or put them in any danger? Are they in counseling? I'd get them some help now so that no matter what happens in the marriage, they are getting support for having lived with someone so difficult.


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## sptfre (Dec 10, 2009)

He has never lied to our children as far as i know. What i meant by hurting my kids was emotionally with the back and forth of our on and off relationship right now. 

We went to counseling because of the lying. He does have money issues, he also does have som addicition to porn, he has attempted to solve that addiction and i have been supportive to him in that. I just dont trust that he isnt lying to me over them issues anymore due to the fact that over the 17 yrs, he has lied to me and lied to me over these issues. We had a good 5 1/2 yrs before he started lying to me again. When they came back up i guess i got scared, asked for counseling, he refused at first, i have asked for divorce a few times, also asked for a seperation a few times, before finally jsut moving out 7 months ago. In that time frame we are still having the money issues (basically he's not holding up his end of the seperation with bills) I am not recieving child support from him for our children cause he says he cant afford to pay me. I had finally got tired of after 9 months of begging him to stop lying to me and stop hiding things from me that i just left. I am making it on my own, I know that i will always beable to. I just dont want to hurt my kids. I know it is a struggle for them, I try to keep there world as normal as possible right now. He on the other hand is not. He does not function well without me there to tell him what and what not to do. I dont want to think im in an abusive relationship, but i sometimes wonder if he is abusing me emotionally..

I am jsut lost and looking for any kind of advice on how to either deal with trust issues, or how to regain them to hopefully make this marriage work again. For my kdis sake, for mine. We have watched the movie fireproof, we have bought "The Love Dare" which he started to read and didnt finish it...got to day 3 i think. He jsut doesnt follow through with anything and it irritates me that i always have to clean up his messes as well as raise our children. Sometimes I feel that I am raising 3 children instead of 2!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Doesn't sound like he is invested in resolving the issues, more like he wants to do just enough to keep you onboard, without making real changes.

I'd argue that you aren't doing your kids any favors by staying with him if he's just going to disappoint them and you, over and over again.

Not your job to make his life ok. It is your job to make your life ok - as well as your children. I get the sense that this is a rinse and repeat situation. 

If you can acknowledge that he is who he is, lying and all, and isn't likely to change - is he somebody that you want to be with?


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## MrsFarris (Dec 11, 2009)

I have been in your position, my husband cheated and lied a lot earlier in our relationship. Every time I started to get a feeling there was something going on, I would confront him on it and he would get so mad and it would turn in to a big fight. but THEN, I always ended up being right about my suspicions. I don't know why but when I caught him it was like he was more angry at me for catching him then at himself for what he did! I think that is just him not wanting to take blame, or have to feel guilty. 

Bottom line, FOLLOW YOUR GUT. that doesn't he is for sure guilty of whatever you are accusing him on, remember he is innocent until proven guilty but follow your hunches and don't be afraid to voice your concerns/suspicions, or look a little deeper into what you think is going on.


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## terinah1 (Dec 14, 2009)

hi i caught my husband in several lies and he still denies it but he thinks his lady friend online is more important than my i seen him play with himself on the computer and get so angry with me that i had enough im really thinking about getting my own place he keeps threating me that he will live in a tent i tell him go for it we been married since July 14, 2007 and it has been hard for me what can i do please help.


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## sptfre (Dec 10, 2009)

I talked and i begged my husband to stop such things. With all the issues we have/had it was also a porn, cybersex issue. I kept telling him how much it hurt me when he did those things. I told him it felt like he didnt want me anymore. He denied and said that he did. Like i have previously posted we are currently seperated. We did go to counseling, my husband eventually joined a forum in regards to porn addicts, We have read the books "The Five Love Languages", "The Love Dare", and "Every Man's Battle". We even watched "Fireproof" Together, All while in counseling, and up until the day i moved out none of it worked, actually up until recently when i told him i was filing for divorce did any of it work. I do reccomend watching the movie, and also reading the books. We are currently talking and "dating". I am trying to work on my trust issues with him, but i dont know if i will ever trust him and he knows that. If we do get divorced i think that will be the reason. If anyone has any advice on getting over trust issues and how to do that I would love to get any.


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

Hmmm sorry to say but this sounds bad. I am male and I hate people who lie. I have worked with a professional conman and let me tell you that experience has scared me for life in trusting a lot of people and I can pick a liar from a mile away. 
Lieing is a terrible thing, especially if you lie to your wife/husband and worse still your own children. I think you know where this is heading but just don't want to go there again, but sounds like it is. Remember you deserve better.


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## sptfre (Dec 10, 2009)

Mrnice, I think you are right, deep down I do feel like I know where its gonna end up. I'm just scared that if I'm the one to file my kids will hate me for tearing apart their family.(They weren't real excited when I decided to get my own place.) We have never officially told our kids why we seperated, as we tried to keep our fighting away from them. I don't believe in fighting in front of my children. I have had a few small talks with them in regards to lying & needing to be completely honest with people. Don't know if they completly understand that is a big issue in their dad's & my seperation or not. The other issues in our marriage just shouldn't be discussed with our children.
On another note, my husband and I have talked deeply the last few days. He has admitted that he was at fault for our financial situation and money doesn't grow on trees. Also admitted that the computer was another downfall to our marriage. Now I do know the first step for him to admit the problem, but how do I know it won't go back to the way it was if I let him completely back into my life? Will I always question him? How do I get over the feeling that he is always lying 2 me, always hiding something from me? We are currently getting along. No fughting, no argueing...mainly discussions of where our marriage has gone wrong. Should I consider that a start? I'm just really confused on where to go from here. I've honestly thought about seeking counseling for myself to work through issues, but not sure I really want to go.
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## sptfre (Dec 10, 2009)

Ok so its been a few days since I've posted anything, just kind of an update I guess. Things got real weird w/ him the other day. Out of the blue he sends me all of his passwords 2 everything & tells me if I need 2 check then check. Then he tells me that he don't feel we can really talk as if he does or says something 2 upset me he is afraid I will leave, yet I'm already in my own home. I've told him I will give him a chance 2 prove 2 me that he can change before I make a decsision on anything. We were together all weekend due to our daughters birthday, things were ok. But I still have that deep down feeling that things won't change. He senses it also, he made a comment on that over the weekend. I just wish I could figure out my feelings. I know I love him, I'm sure I always will, he is one of my best friends, but I don't want to be hurt anymore. I hate the feeling of knowing I'm not worth the truth. Will that pass?? It did before but we had strict guidelines when we decided to try again, after almost 8 yrs. He broke those guidelines & it was a spiral from there. Covering up lies with more lies, spending money, porn etc. He tells me there was never another woman, but with all the other lies how do I know there wasn't before the seperation. During the seperation, it was said and agreed upon that it wasn't to see what other "fish" were out there, it was to work on us, then I find out he made a new "friend" & spent time w/ her at his other male friends house. Yet I'm supposed to believe that nothing happened. I'm just really confused and not real sure what to do or believe, I know in my heart I love him, but I don't want to spend the next 50 yrs debating whether his story is true or not. Sorry if this is repeating, just needed to vent.
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## Dr.betrayed (Nov 20, 2009)

sptfre said:


> Out of the blue he sends me all of his passwords 2 everything & tells me if I need 2 check then check. Then he tells me that he don't feel we can really talk as if he does or says something 2 upset me he is afraid I will leave, yet I'm already in my own home. [/i][/size]


I have no advice for you. Actually I am in the same boat too. My husband tells me my presence scares him. Every moment it keeps him thinking "will this action/word upset her??" He is insecure that I will break the relationship.

Wonder what a wife should do in such situations?


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## sptfre (Dec 10, 2009)

Okay another update on things, and to vent I guess. We have been staying w/ eachother almost daily since christmas. Mainly bcause his grandmother passed, and it was hard on him, me and our children. Things have been good. Then I told him that I needed him to prove somethings to me, to work on trust. I gave him a list of things to do to help rebuild his trust.(This was suggested when we were in counseling that he never followed through on.) After I gave him the list, he started giving me excuses of why he couldn't do the things. I of course got upset, frustrated and just wanted to run. I told him if he needed to make excuses then he really didn't want me back. Then later that day he started on the list. It just makes me wonder why he needed to give me excuses as to why he wouldn't beable to complete 7 things in 6 months. My lease is up in 6 months, so therefore I will move all of my things and the kids things back if these things were done.I never really thought about what I would do if these things were not done, as he just keeps telling me he wants me back home. But I don't want to move back, and then start fighting over everything again or have him hurt me with the lies. I had asked him to also come up with a list of things that he needed from me, he couldn't think of anything after 4 days of thinking. Told me there wasn't anything that I didn't already do that he wanted. He has mentioned to me that I work to much, I work 36-45 hours a week, depending on my schedule. I have talked to work and made a promise to myself that I would only work about 40 hours a week, but sometimes my job does not allow for that, I'm hoping he understands that sometimes it is beyond my control.
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## sptfre (Dec 10, 2009)

Well things went from good to bad last night. He kept telling me he hasn't seen the cable bill in months for his house, so I got online and showed him how to get the bill online. I then noticed it was REALLY high, so I looked into it a little deeper, with him right there, he has over 120.00 in porn movies over the last 4 months. He tells me it wasn't him. Days and times don't really jive on some with his work schedule, but can't always prove he's at work either. I'm stuck here, back in oct. He told me he hasn't looked @ or even felt the urge to look @ porn, but yet its in plain black & white on a bill. This is 2 of my worst fears here, the porn will take his life back over and he will feel the need to hide it from me, which in turn will start the lies again. What should I do? I'm planning on taking what things are @ his house and returning to mine after 1 week @ his house this evening. Do I just let it go, or do I start the process of letting him go again?
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