# Wife told me she enjoyed it when another man flirted with her



## songdog09 (Jan 20, 2014)

To start out, when my wife and I married my fiance did not know that I was a pretty big flirt in the workplace. I had been for a long time and I had never had a problem with that.

After we were married my wife found out how I was. She saw and read this in text messages and emails. It devastated her and I did not realize how much it effected her. She was deeply hurt.

Flirting was not all that important to me really. I had no problem stopping that behavior the same day she confronted me and the problem was solved except for the hurt that I caused my wife. She knows how much I regret how much I hurt her.

We have been married for 7 months now. She has repeated to me over and over how much she thought it was wrong to flirt with the opposite sex when you're married or in a relationship. 
I never thought I would be dealing with this issue with her.

Two nights ago she went out with her girlfriend and they went to a bar. She came home a little bit drunk and she was remorseful as she told me that a very attractive young guy (28 years old) was really flirting with her (45 years old) and she really liked it. I found out the next day that she told the guy she was married but she didn't discourage his flirting. 

She told me she intentionally told her friend how good looking she thought he was in a way that she knew he would hear what she said. This was of course encouraging to the young guy.

I say it was flirting but he was actually trying to pick her up and take her home to have sex with her. That is what my wife said. That is not my jealous speculation.

THIS IS DRIVING ME CRAZY WITH JEALOUSY!! Is that normal? I told her that after all she has preached about how wrong this kind of behavior is. About not flirting or being engaged in flirting, or encouraging flirting in someone else, that I was totally caught of guard by what she was involved in.

The next night we had talked about it and she became upset that I had so many questions. She told me that I had hurt her so much with so many text messages and emails to people I worked with that were flirtatious that what she did paled in comparison to what I did.

I asked her if she thought this was payback or if she thought I should just let it go and that it shouldn't bother me at all but she said she didn't know if it was payback or not and she said she thought it was appropriate that I was upset about what happened.

Later that night my wife went and slept in the spare bedroom. I went into the room and asked her if she would come and sleep in our bed. She said no. It became very loud and confrontational very quickly because I was so upset, but it was nothing physical at all. Lots of yelling and screaming and crossing boundaries with what was said to each other.

This morning my wife is so upset with me that she has nothing to say to me. I apologized for how I acted last night but she couldn't even look at me and she only really said something when she told me she was leaving to go to work. She only said from the kitchen "I'm leaving now."

This jealousy is intensified for me because after my wife found out how flirtatious I was, she has backed off sexually and emotionally from me and things have never been the same even though I haven't flirted with anyone for 7 months since she asked me not to.

She has no idea how much I crave the kind of attention that she showed this guy, a stranger, in a bar, and I am so jealous of how receptive she was of the attention he gave her. I am jealous and upset that she enjoyed it but I guess that I should be happy she is so honest? Does she know how much I would LOVE for my attention to be received as happily as she received it from this guy she met in a bar??

I don't know if I want that much honesty!! What should I do. I was up till 6:30 this morning, crying most of the time. 

My wife seems like she has checked out and I am somewhat blindsided because I got upset about something that she agrees I should be upset about and something that she is not proud of that she did.

HELP!!!


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well since you didn't see the issue when you did it why is it different for her? Unless yours wasn't so innocent and you're projecting.
Why didn't YOU use your flirting energy on your wife? She backed off from you because she doesn't trust you. You two need serious marriage counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## songdog09 (Jan 20, 2014)

Mine was very innocent. I guess I feel it is different and I am shocked by her behavior because she was so upset by mine and she has repeated this mantra about how wrong it is to flirt when you're married or in a relationship. Then after 7 months she goes out and does it, tells me about it and also tells me she encouraged it and she enjoyed it.


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Maybe this should teach you to see your wife's side and understand her feelings. I mean this is a pretty big DUH and I don't understand how you're missing it.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You didn't enjoy it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## songdog09 (Jan 20, 2014)

We went to serious marriage counseling after she was so upset by y flirting. This is mainly where I heard how much against flirting she really is. This is why I am so surprised, shocked and upset at the same time.


----------



## songdog09 (Jan 20, 2014)

I suppose I did enjoy it but I was ready and quick to give it up the moment I knew how much it hurt my wife. I also think that it had become almost a habit with me. I was almost not even aware that I was doing it. It was the way I engaged with female coworkers to a certain degree. It was a habit but it was one that was easy to break. I let my female coworkers know that I was not going to interact that way any longer with them in that way and that was the end of it.


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Do you think she did more than flirt?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Will she go to MC with you?

Or does she want to choose the young guy over her marriage?

She is in the separate bedroom. She is not over her hurt from your flirting.

Tell her you are both hurt from the flirting. Where does she want to go from here?

I would go with her on the next girl's night out.


----------



## songdog09 (Jan 20, 2014)

John Lee, as Michael Scott on The Office used to say sometimes, You know what? I am not getting it. Explain this to me like I am 5 years old.

I'm sorry. I may be missing this DUH moment. Help me please.


----------



## songdog09 (Jan 20, 2014)

We haven't always slept in separate bedrooms. This was just last night. She was upset by all my questions. She may go to counseling with me but not in the immediate future. She is pretty upset with me right now.


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Reading your post again, this is complicated. I think some MC is in order. I think you hurt your wife and you still don't seem to understand what's wrong with flirting in a marriage, convinced that if you do it, it's ok and "innocent." 

At the same time, your wife may be looking for an excuse to do something she shouldn't do. She sounds a little confused herself.


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I mean, sometimes women do stuff like this to "test" men, which wouldn't be surprising here. They want to see that you'll be jealous, because to them it shows you actually care and don't want to lose them. At the same time, her reaction is strange, getting angrier and angrier at you for being jealous.


----------



## songdog09 (Jan 20, 2014)

No no no, she doesn't want the young guy! Nothing more happened than what she told me. If nothing else I can say that my wife is a very honest person. Honest enough to come home from a bar and tell me what happened. Something that goes against her moral code. But she is SO honest that it hurts like when she tells me how much she liked it when he flirted with her and how she encouraged his come on to her because she enjoyed it and was wanting more. Then when she got home she was remorsefu


----------



## songdog09 (Jan 20, 2014)

Maybe I don't understand how much I hurt my wife. In my mind it seems like a problem solved and it seems like a long time ago (7 months). I stopped immediately and she is still hurt.

Do I have the right to be hurt or feel blindsided by what she did? It seems so out of character for her considering how against flirting she was always was.


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I don't know man, your marriage is so young, and the fight is still hot, so to speak. I don't think we can sort this out for your right now, but you have to communicate with her. People waste a lot of time seeking the opinion of third parties about who's "right" and who has the "right to feel" a certain way. That's not what marriage is about. Try to talk to her about this in a calmer and clearer way, when you're not raging from jealousy.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

They enjoy the attention. Even if they don't act upon it, they enjoy it.

Positive affirmation and attention is like wind in the back of your sails. You will move with less resistance, it's a good thing to have.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Of course, most people enjoy the attention from a flirtation. That shouldn't be surprising. I think in your case, OP, she went along with it partly in revenge for your past indiscretions. At least now you know - regrettably - how damaging and hurtful it can be, firsthand.

How to deal with this going forward is the issue here, really. I suspect neither of you will flirt with others again, but somehow need to repair the damage already done.

Flirting isn't always a problem or issue for couples - it depends on their individual boundaries. It's another thing that needs discussion and negotiation as a relationship turns serious, so you're on the same page and don't inadvertently cross a line the other imagines you know about.


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

treyvion said:


> They enjoy the attention. Even if they don't act upon it, they enjoy it.
> 
> Positive affirmation and attention is like wind in the back of your sails. You will move with less resistance, it's a good thing to have.


Right, I think it would be good for OP to come to terms with this. It seems to have scared you, OP, that your wife actually got excited by someone else. It made you feel vulnerable, insecure. It punctured the illusion that your wife is some kind of angel devoted only to you, and not a human being with normal human desires.

Everyone likes to feel attractive and everyone is flattered by having someone interested in them. The question is how you handle it.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, I think you are horribly insecure; this is why you like extra female attention so much and why the thought of your wife doing it upsets you. This is how you were maintaining the emotional power balance of the marriage; you flirt and feel better about yourself and then you married someone who you thought didn't (ie the out of character statement). This way there are no real threats to you and at the same time you get an ego boost; in your mind your flirting was innocent but your wife doesn't know that, all she knows is that you feel the need to get attention elsewhere. This is very bad for the marital bond, and on top of that you get upset when she does the exact thing you told her was innocent, so either you're a hypocrite or yours wasn't as innocent as you claim. At least that's how your wife reads it, and most women (and men I suspect) would feel the same way. Have a good talk when you're not upset and lay everything you've both done on the table, then discuss how it makes each of you feel.
Fyi: the reason she shares details is because she wants you to both know how it feels and that you're not the only one worthy of attention. I won't lie and claim I never flirt with anyone or that I don't like it when good looking men flirt with me, but it's never that much and it wouldn't occur to me to tell my hb;; what would that accomplish? Why would I risk upsetting him over nothing? If I were to tell him it would be because I wanted him to know I had options, which doesn't happen in a healthy marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Solve the problem rather than ruminate about it.

If you have actively worked to address the issues ... rather than simply avoided the behavior that caused the issues in the first place and she STILL resents you, shuts you out, or actively sabotages the relationship then we have a different set of issues to contend with.

For now, here is what you do:

"I want you to know that I'm sorry. I suppose I never really understood how my behavior may have caused you to feel. Now, I know. I know because I felt it, and it feels terrible. I am sorry.

I need you to know that I want you, I love you. You are what matters to me. I will prove this to you with my behavior. But I also need to know that you want me, you love me, and our marriage is what matters to you.

I want for us to make this right. I want us to find one another, love one another and flirt with one another again. You are my wife and I love you. I need to know what you want."

Say that. Write it in your palm or convey it to memory.

Your wife doesn't feel safe and secure with you. There are 'gaps'. Gaps spread, and build resentment. They turn into cracks and then eventually whole pieces start falling off.

You need to let what she did go. You simply CANNOT keep dragging it out, flogging her with it, and expecting her to feel closer to you. 

Let it go. Dude ... she told you. That alone speaks volumes. Either she wants things back every bit as much as you do. Or ... she has lost all respect for you and just wants to punish you.

You don't ask her that question, not know. You just DO. You be the best husband you know how to be. You need to win back her heart and her trust ... or you need to be prepared to recognize that you have utterly lost them.

Folks here may want to discuss the back and forth volley of this subject between you and your wife. You may want to blame her ... it's pretty clear she already blames you.

So, would you rather fight about it? 

Or ...

Fix it?


----------



## s'mores (Feb 15, 2012)

I'm not either of you, but this is what I assume is going on:

You flirted and thought nothing of it and was surprised to find it bothered your wife. You stopped and that was the end of it for you.

But it wasn't the end of it for her. She had no idea you were like that and to suddenly find out via evidence rather than from you might appear to her like you were hiding it, which would indicate to her that it wasn't innocent. That is enough to shake trust and with that trust shaken, she had zero confidence that you had actually stopped. She probably thought you were just hiding it better, since you must have been hiding it before. Found the security leak and patched it up, so to speak.

So, for 7 months she probably suspected that you were still doing it in secret. Even if she didn't, it was still a huge blow. And it was also unfair because she was loyal to you but you didn't have to be to her. So when she went out and the opportunity came, she let herself give into it. If you can, why can't she, after all? It's only fair. She hoped it would make you feel like how yours made her feel. It is clear to her that you don't view flirting as the same as she does, even if you did stop. She probably didn't know if it would hurt you because you would probably think it was no big deal like you did when you did it, but wished for it to hurt you.

When you reacted, she was probably glad it affected you like it did, but disliked it at the same time because you are essentially saying it means nothing when he does it but it does when she does. It was okay for you, but she's out of line if she does. I call it emotion-based logic.

I'm not sure what the answer is, but that is how the situation seems to me, if that helps.


----------



## songdog09 (Jan 20, 2014)

Dee Jo - Thank you for your advice. I think that there was A LOT of good advice given to me in this thread but you gave me some really good tools I can use right now...or after things cool down.

I made the mistake of not reading your advice first and I tried to ask her more questions when she got home from work about the guy and what happened. Bad idea.

Luckily I turned things around and ended up saying some things remarkably similar to what you suggested in your post. I will commit what you said to memory and say this and a variation of this frequently.

Thanks to all of you!

*** By the way, many of you misunderstood about the history of my flirting. I used to flirt with women at work, my wife found out, didn't like it, so I quit doing it right at that moment. So I did not continue flirting with women and then look down on my wife's same behavior, all the while thinking what I was doing was somehow OK.


----------



## nancy.ramos (Oct 16, 2012)

In your opinion, you stopped flirting. But, your wife might be thinking otherwise. Any small action that resembles your flirting from past might be triggering her. So, she might be giving you a taste of your own medicine or she might be feeling entitled to enjoy flirting from others. Are you sure, she has forgiven you and has moved past your hurtful behavior?


----------



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Yeah...flirting can be seen as a gray area, but really it's not...especially when we done in front of our spouses, then we discover it's not really gray at all.

I remember a coworker who used to ogle women a lot, usually having something to say about their physical features...he told us he was at the mall and said he verbally remarked on the size of a woman's breasts, so accustomed to saying such things around his boys, only to be reminded that he was saying this to his wife who was staring at him in wide-eyed shock. Of course, not an example of flirting, but a pretty good example of what seems acceptable...but in proper context...it looks really bad.

I also recall a facebook post from a couple we knew and worked with...where the wife was saying how she and hubby were at a bar where a man hit on her right in front of hubby. She was like, "I know it was wasn't my husband and not going to do anything about it, but man, it felt good to be recognized." She had recently dropped a lot of weight after being heavyset for a long time. Some people responded to that post..."Um if that was done in front of my husband that guy would have been punched." And even husband posted "Naw, I know who she is coming home with." A few months later, they are posting how they are getting a divorce, and like two months later, she has photos with her new boyfriend. In marriage...one MUST be vigilant. 

Just watched new Klondike program on TV...good lessons about protecting your marriage...it's like staking a claim to land for digging for gold. If you aren't paying attention, you'll get shot in the back and your claim and gold stolen away...TAKE NOTHING FOR GRANTED.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

songdog09 said:


> *** By the way, many of you misunderstood about the history of my flirting. I used to flirt with women at work, my wife found out, didn't like it, so I quit doing it right at that moment. So I did not continue flirting with women and then look down on my wife's same behavior, all the while thinking what I was doing was somehow OK.


I am sorry that I have really no idea what exactly you talk about with 'flirting'. Messages, email, talking to them, touching hands, touching arms, rubbing?? What is it about?

I have seen people texting complete virtual sex stuff, and saying to their spouses 'that's just making jokes with eachother', and people that call a long stare at a women almost adultry, so what are you talking about here?


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I think Deejo gives you some great advice. Just stop dwelling. She was clearly hurt by it, you've stopped. She got hit on and liked but told you right away.

Case closed. Dragging this out comes across as controlling. Women don't like that.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

If I had to sum it up as I see it, you may have absolutely stopped doing it the moment she brought it up ... but she can't SEE that you stopped.
Learning that you were behaving in that fashion in the first place hurt her, and undermined her feeling of safety, specialness, bond, call it what you will.

Which is why it isn't the flirting (or not flirting) that you need to focus on. What you need to focus on is her, and what she needs to feel safe with, confident in, and attracted to you.

That is going to be far more about WHAT you do rather than what you say you are going to do.

And at the same time, you need to demonstrate self-control and confidence in who you are, and what you represent to your wife, by absolutely dropping the kicked puppy act regarding her flirting.

You express your hurt, your desire to convince her that you only have eyes for her and you don't bring up the scenario or the guy at the bar again. Doing so is wholly and completely unattractive.

Then you pay attention to what she does. Does she want to be close? Is she pushing you away, putting you down, but saying she wants to be close?

Again, this is why I say what you do, is far more important than what you say.


----------



## Is It Just Me (Sep 8, 2012)

songdog09 said:


> To start out, when my wife and I married my fiance did not know that I was a pretty big flirt in the workplace. I had been for a long time and I had never had a problem with that.
> 
> After we were married my wife found out how I was. She saw and read this in text messages and emails. It devastated her and I did not realize how much it effected her. She was deeply hurt.
> 
> Flirting was not all that important to me really.




I have to ask, what exactly were in these texts and emails between you and your female coworkers? 

For your wife to be 'devastated' and 'deeply hurt' over them and still upset 7 months later, I find it difficult to believe that they were as 'innocent' as you say.

How did your wife find them? How many texts and emails were there? Who initiated them (you to the female/the female to you)? Were they through work emails or did you use a burner email? Were they to just one particular female or several females? * How far did the talk go and if any of the females had offered to take the flirting to the next level (something sexual), would you have taken them up on it? Was anything sexual said or implied by either of you*? Has your wife met any of these females face-to-face and if so, how did they act towards her?

I also think that you need to go to individual counseling to figure out why seeking attention from women is so important to you, it outweighs your allegiance to be emotionally faithful to your significant others (I'm guessing this is not the only relationship you've been in where you've flirted on the side).

I know your thread is about getting over what your wife did, but I believe a big part of that will be to first tackle why YOU behave the way you did.


----------



## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

She tried it (flirting) and she likes it. Hmmmm....maybe she's not opposed to flirting now! You might have opened up Pandora's box here.

You probably don't want her going on another "girls night out" anytime soon.

And please, stop crying. Especially in front of her. It's making the 28 year old look even more attractive to her compared to you.


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> OP, I think you are horribly insecure; this is why you like extra female attention so much and why the thought of your wife doing it upsets you. This is how you were maintaining the emotional power balance of the marriage; you flirt and feel better about yourself and then you married someone who you thought didn't (ie the out of character statement). This way there are no real threats to you and at the same time you get an ego boost; in your mind your flirting was innocent but your wife doesn't know that, all she knows is that you feel the need to get attention elsewhere. This is very bad for the marital bond, and on top of that you get upset when she does the exact thing you told her was innocent, so either you're a hypocrite or yours wasn't as innocent as you claim. At least that's how your wife reads it, and most women (and men I suspect) would feel the same way. Have a good talk when you're not upset and lay everything you've both done on the table, then discuss how it makes each of you feel.
> Fyi: the reason she shares details is because she wants you to both know how it feels and that you're not the only one worthy of attention. I won't lie and claim I never flirt with anyone or that I don't like it when good looking men flirt with me, but it's never that much and it wouldn't occur to me to tell my hb;; what would that accomplish? Why would I risk upsetting him over nothing? If I were to tell him it would be because I wanted him to know I had options, which doesn't happen in a healthy marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This :iagree:


----------



## Shazz1991 (Jul 31, 2011)

Hubby loves it when I tell him about other guys hitting on me.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

songdog09 said:


> *** By the way, many of you misunderstood about the history of my flirting. I used to flirt with women at work, my wife found out, didn't like it, so I quit doing it right at that moment. So I did not continue flirting with women and then look down on my wife's same behavior, all the while thinking what I was doing was somehow OK.


I had a similar issue with my wife, when we were first dating. She was like you, very flirtatious, especially with the men at work - but also kept it there, so never in front of me. I called her out on it way back then, in a nice but firm manner, and she understood where I was coming from (not at first, I had to really explain it).

I've also been in your shoes, with my ex wife. The last few years of our 14 years together, she all of a sudden started telling me every time somebody hit on her, or asked for her phone number, and she was quite proud. It made her feel very good about herself (a little too good...)

The thing that I've learned, is that some people almost require this sort of affirmation in their daily lives, and not just from one person (their SO). But the important thing is to keep it to yourself, imo. And also not be the aggressor - that's an entirely different issue. If you're the one fishing for compliments, that's a problem. If you're just the type of person to be hit on constantly, then it's hardly your fault. Just smile and say thanks, and move along. That should be enough to boost your ego.

So your wife goes out, gets hit on, and enjoys it. Not a huge deal. Especially if the guy was young and attractive.

What is a bigger deal is that she apparently strung him along, and had no problem telling you all the details afterwards, and there could be a multitude of reasons she did this.

She could just be trying to make you jealous.

She could be feeling like you don't give her that type of attention anymore, and wants you to.

She could have made the whole thing up, or at least exaggerated it, just to make you jealous.

She could just be very proud that a 45 year old woman is still attractive to a 28 year old guy, and wants to share her excitement with you.

She could be giving you a taste of your own medicine (in her eyes), because she can't get past the fact that you used to flirt openly with co-workers - the same co-workers I assume you still have.

No matter what, you do need to follow Deejo's advice and just move on. It's only a problem if it continues and she turns into a junkie for this sort of thing. My ex wife started the same way, it continued like that for a couple of years, she eventually moved on from me. Whether that was because she realized that guys wanted her, or if it was because I wasn't reading between the lines is irrelevant. If it continues, it could be trouble.


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Deejo said:


> Solve the problem rather than ruminate about it.
> 
> If you have actively worked to address the issues ... rather than simply avoided the behavior that caused the issues in the first place and she STILL resents you, shuts you out, or actively sabotages the relationship then we have a different set of issues to contend with.
> 
> ...


Well, the moderator may just have spoiled this whole thread by throwing out some level-headed, and pretty good advice. Actual closure on an issue raised has its merits but can be a little boring :sleeping:

OP - not sure why but I was actually seeing your side of this thing. She wAnted you to stop flirting. So you did. Then she goes out and flirts and can't wait to tell you about it, and you say WTH!!
And I don't blame you. Your wife sounds kind of immature for (you said she's 45??) Sounds like she was acting more like 15.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I see some serious head scratching replies in here...

My take on this is: You were doing something you shouldn't have done, your wife told you she didn't appreciate it, you stopped. Hooray for communication and boundaries

7 months later, she goes out and engages in very disrespectful behavior (and not even sure you can trust that nothing else happened), and uses your past mistake as a justification, from 7 months ago.

There's a chance she was projecting her guilt on you with your flirting. ie the syndrome where Preacher who preaches vehemently against alcohol because he's a closet alcoholic. She was angry at you because you did something that she feels and likes.

That may not be it, but at the least, she made excuses for behavior that should not be acceptable to you. She also sounds very immature from the interactions you have posted about. 7 months in and you are already having problems with disengaging and her feeling like she needs to flirt at a bar? How long were you engaged?

As a start, no matter what, you need to communicate with eachother and set some good boundaries. You're on a collision course with the CWI forum if you guys proceed as you have. Going out to bars without you should be a no-no, for reasons you just experienced. I'd look at some ground rules for marriage transparency as well, are you guys sharing password information with eachother? Do you have access to her phone if you wanted it (and vice versa)?


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

First off, stop with the over the top jealousy. You are making yourself look insecure (and in the process, less attractive).

She's 45. And had a 28 year old flirting with her. Now there's an ego boost! One you likely COULD have been the beneficiary of.

The problem, as I see it, is not so much the flirting, but that you have no boundaries set. And you haven't talked about it. What would she do if? What would she say if? Etc. No lines drawn on what is acceptable to each of you, and what is not.

You were caught initiating flirting, your wife confronted you, you stopped, and she seemingly let it go. She, on the other hand, was the target of flirting. She told you, and you have gone apechit on her. Well, you just showed your hand. She now sees you as insecure.

"Harmless flirting" (if there is such a thing) is not terrible in a trusting, confident relationship with boundaries. I'd rather my W be on the receiving end of some flirting occasionally, rather than never. It is the ones who never receive it, out in life, and especially in the home, that are VERY susceptible to it when it does finally happen. Many guys out there are real "players" and can blindside a woman. They're pros at it. As long as she recognizes this bullchit for what it is, she will be far less susceptible to it. THAT is perhaps the talk to have! 

My W gets flirted with fairly often. She's a damn good looking woman for her age (48), and there is no shortage of young guys who like to flirt with her. She likely doesn't tell me when it happens every time, but I know it happens. Meh...so what. I know where her heart is, and just because she doesn't shut some young, over hormoned stud down by shoving a wedding ring in his face at the first hint of a flirt, doesn't mean she's not getting what she needs from me. 

Women like to know they're attractive (I suppose the same as we do). But at our wive's ages, perhaps it's even more important. I'll let her have it. What I WON'T do is decrease my standing or attractiveness in her eyes by going cave man on her when it does happen. So much water off a duck's back. Those young walking hard ons can't compare to me, and I believe that. And I'm pretty sure she does too.

I look at it like this...if a 28 year old hottie flirts with me, does it give me a boost? Sure! Will I act on it...or her...with her tight little body and youthful energy? Not a chance in hell. I know what I've got at home, and no romp in the sack with some young woman will be worth risking that. I believe my W feels the same. Were something like that to happen, there is no coming back from it. THAT keeps us honest....not jealousy coming from the other side.


----------



## spanz (Feb 6, 2014)

dude, whats good for the goose is good for the gander! deal with it, it is your own doing. do not blame her


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

donny64 said:


> First off, stop with the over the top jealousy. You are making yourself look insecure (and in the process, less attractive).
> 
> She's 45. And had a 28 year old flirting with her. Now there's an ego boost! One you likely COULD have been the beneficiary of.


She could be 45 and have a 30-ish flirting with her, and it's correct and true, because perhaps her physical presentation is very nice, even compared to 30'ish years olds.




donny64 said:


> The problem, as I see it, is not so much the flirting, but that you have no boundaries set. And you haven't talked about it. What would she do if? What would she say if? Etc. No lines drawn on what is acceptable to each of you, and what is not.
> 
> You were caught initiating flirting, your wife confronted you, you stopped, and she seemingly let it go. She, on the other hand, was the target of flirting. She told you, and you have gone apechit on her. Well, you just showed your hand. She now sees you as insecure.
> 
> "Harmless flirting" (if there is such a thing) is not terrible in a trusting, confident relationship with boundaries. I'd rather my W be on the receiving end of some flirting occasionally, rather than never. It is the ones who never receive it, out in life, and especially in the home, that are VERY susceptible to it when it does finally happen. Many guys out there are real "players" and can blindside a woman. They're pros at it. As long as she recognizes this bullchit for what it is, she will be far less susceptible to it. THAT is perhaps the talk to have!



I agree with this. They need to be familiar with it, and that he will do the same thing to the next 4 women he see's that day.



donny64 said:


> My W gets flirted with fairly often. She's a damn good looking woman for her age (48), and there is no shortage of young guys who like to flirt with her. She likely doesn't tell me when it happens every time, but I know it happens. Meh...so what. I know where her heart is, and just because she doesn't shut some young, over hormoned stud down by shoving a wedding ring in his face at the first hint of a flirt, doesn't mean she's not getting what she needs from me.
> 
> Women like to know they're attractive (I suppose the same as we do). But at our wive's ages, perhaps it's even more important. I'll let her have it. What I WON'T do is decrease my standing or attractiveness in her eyes by going cave man on her when it does happen. So much water off a duck's back. Those young walking hard ons can't compare to me, and I believe that. And I'm pretty sure she does too.


Well, a smart woman can realize it. A walking hard on, might look good to the eye, but literally stupid to put his thoughts in her head. After realizing she can't even listen to him or watch his basic routine in life, he's not sexy any more. This is to a smart woman. 



donny64 said:


> I look at it like this...if a 28 year old hottie flirts with me, does it give me a boost? Sure! Will I act on it...or her...with her tight little body and youthful energy? Not a chance in hell. I know what I've got at home, and no romp in the sack with some young woman will be worth risking that. I believe my W feels the same. Were something like that to happen, there is no coming back from it. THAT keeps us honest....not jealousy coming from the other side.


What if it's a 40 years old hottie, that has more life accomplishments and looks as good or better? Are you guys giving raw "youth" that much bonus points?


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Of course she does.


----------

