# Stay or Go?



## Lostandafraid2016 (Aug 23, 2016)

Hi There, I am really struggling lately if I should stay in my marriage. We are currently going thru our 4th bout of counselling and my wife wants to quit it. My wife is always angry with me and I can never do anything right in her eyes. She gives me crap in front of our children all the time and when I try to talk to her, she simply calls all my feelings BS. I feel so unjustified and lost. I am really not seeing much of an option here.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

how long have you been married and has she always been this way? how old are the children ?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Lostandafraid2016 said:


> Hi There, I am really struggling lately if I should stay in my marriage. We are currently going thru our 4th bout of counselling and my wife wants to quit it. My wife is always angry with me and I can never do anything right in her eyes. She gives me crap in front of our children all the time and when I try to talk to her, she simply calls all my feelings BS. I feel so unjustified and lost. I am really not seeing much of an option here.


How do you respond?

Defensiveness?
Reciprocated criticism and contempt?
Innocent victimhood?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

4 rounds of counseling and sounds like there has been no improvement? Maybe just time to accept it wasn't meant to be and move on.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

What is it about the counselor that your wife finds objectionable?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Give us some history here.


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## Lostandafraid2016 (Aug 23, 2016)

We have been Married for 21 years and have 3 children. Ages are 18, 14 and 12. No she has not always been this way but has been getting progressively worse over time. When I say she gives me **** all the time, I do mean it and it is often for nothing at all. A quick example is this, the other day, I asked her if she wanted to order pizza for supper (it was a lazy kind of day) and her response was "No, we have pizza in the freezer" I told her that I think there is only one there and it would not be enough and she said she still did not want to order one. An hour or so later, she went to the freezer and took out the pizza, she then asked me if I could order another one but to only order one because we had one already. I called to order 1 large pizza but found out it was $5 cheaper to order 2 medium because the second pizza was half price. So I ordered the 2 pizzas thinking 1) I am saving us some money and 2) I can order two different pizzas so that everyone would have a pizza they liked. When pizza arrived, she immediately yelled at me saying "I told you only to order one pizza" I Quickly responded that I had ordered the 2 medium ones for the reasons I mentioned already. She was very upset with me and I think it was for nothing.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Did she make the other pizza? Regardless of whether she is controlling, if you did not communicate with her regarding the second pizza, then it's your fault.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

IMO, it is time to go. You've tried it all, and nothing has really helped. She has no respect for you, and that isn't going to change - she's seeking any reason to distance herself now and find fault.


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## Lostandafraid2016 (Aug 23, 2016)

I often respond with shock at first and then I find that I get defensive.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

She quit going to MC so this is clear message to you my friend. 

Next time she yells at you in front of your kids just thow pizza to the trash. 

Dont be her batler. She lost all respect for you.


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## Lostandafraid2016 (Aug 23, 2016)

I do not think that I need to ask or communicate with her to order pizza that I end up getting for less money because of a special is required here. I am an adult and so is she, I made an executive decision that simply made sense for more than one reason. I do not think that it givers her justifications for yelling at me.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Well, you know what they say "The 5th time's the charm" ...


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

I vote for the 'go' option. You are deep in denial if you think this woman loves you.

BUT I would definitely be looking at what got you to a place in life where the ordering of a pizza became an issue of taking $hyte from ANYONE much less your wife. You have some work to do my friend.

~ Passio


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## Lostandafraid2016 (Aug 23, 2016)

The counsellor has mentioned to her several times that the things she is blaming for is not my fault and that I did nothing wrong. One specific thing that she got very upset with me about was this, we were going to visit friends and we decided to bring our kayaks, I loaded 5 kayaks into the back of my truck, secured them all and we were ready to go. When she came out of the house, instead of saying thanks for loading up the Kayaks, she told me that I loaded them wrong and that she would have loaded them differently. I replied saying "Wonderful, then you can load them into the truck your way when we return"


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## Lostandafraid2016 (Aug 23, 2016)

Ugh


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Lostandafraid2016 said:


> "I told you only to order one pizza" I Quickly responded that I had ordered the 2 medium ones for the reasons I mentioned already. She was very upset with me and I think it was for nothing.


Like it or not, it was for something. If her getting upset is over minute issues and yours are not, it doesn't take away from her right to be upset and need to be felt. This is a global truth.



Lostandafraid2016 said:


> I often respond with shock at first and then I find that I get defensive.


1. Those responses weaken your cause. Defensiveness is meant to level the battlefield. Issues don't get resolved on the battlefield.

2. Defensiveness leads to further bickering.

3. The shock might be taken as invalidating her emotions/actions.


Overall, we see a large misattunement, here. Squabbles as silly as the pizza ordeal are as real as they get. It isn't pizza that will end the marriage, it is the misattunement, or as I call "crossed eyes."




> The counsellor has mentioned to her several times that the things she is blaming for is not my fault and that I did nothing wrong.


I think that there is always error from both individuals, for it to lead to an argument. It could be an indirect action, but there is something there.



> One specific thing that she got very upset with me about was this, we were going to visit friends and we decided to bring our kayaks, I loaded 5 kayaks into the back of my truck, secured them all and we were ready to go. When she came out of the house, instead of saying thanks for loading up the Kayaks, she told me that I loaded them wrong and that she would have loaded them differently. I replied saying "Wonderful, then you can load them into the truck your way when we return"


That response is guaranteed not to work. Her criticism is guaranteed not to work. (95% of the time)
There is a lot of room for improvement.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Have you had an honest talk with her and laid out all the issues on the table? Ask her why she's so hostile towards you? Ask her if she loves you anymore?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Start weighing your "exit strategy" ~ she sounds just a tad "bipolar" to me!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It appears your W does not know what battles to fight and others to let go because everything is a battle. Your W has anger issues that need to be addressed. Second, you are not your W whipping post. Do not stand there and listen to the belittlement. Simply walk away. Advise you will discuss the issue when voices are not raised and she is willing to listen. If you get none of that from your W advise that separation is eminent. Follow through with it if your W behavior is not stopped or there is very little attempt from your W at changing her behavior. You must find it in yourself to separate and not live this way. Stop wasting money on a counselor. It appears your W takes very little stock in what the counselor has to offer.

Ultimately you need to ask your W why she is always angry with you. You can not work on the issue if you do not know the true cause.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Did the pizzas come with free toppings?

I say Go.


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## Lostandafraid2016 (Aug 23, 2016)

I have talked to her on several occasions, I have spoken to her about arguing in front of the children, or at least giving me crap in front of the children. I have taken her aside at times and expressed to her how much I dislike being given crap and for no reason most of the time. I have asked her why is she so angry all the time and why is it directed at me. The kids have mentioned several times that Mom is in a grumpy mood again.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Honestly, OP, you must be the first person I've seen on this forum say they've done MC *four* times. The fact I'd have to go a second time would be a pretty big red flag for me. 

I'm wondering if your wife feels really out of control... Because arguing about getting a second pizza when she put the task in your hands is like she was setting you up to fail, then found a reason to say you failed.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Lostandafraid2016 said:


> I have talked to her on several occasions, I have spoken to her about arguing in front of the children, or at least giving me crap in front of the children. I have taken her aside at times and expressed to her how much I dislike being given crap and for no reason most of the time. I have asked her why is she so angry all the time and why is it directed at me. The kids have mentioned several times that Mom is in a grumpy mood again.


So what is her response?


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

LostandAfraid, work on losing the fear, and you'll find that you're not so lost after all.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lostandafraid2016 said:


> The counsellor has mentioned to her several times that the things she is blaming for is not my fault and that I did nothing wrong. One specific thing that she got very upset with me about was this, we were going to visit friends and we decided to bring our kayaks, I loaded 5 kayaks into the back of my truck, secured them all and we were ready to go. When she came out of the house, instead of saying thanks for loading up the Kayaks, she told me that I loaded them wrong and that she would have loaded them differently. I replied saying "Wonderful, then you can load them into the truck your way when we return"


I too, live your pain. 

This has nothing to do with WHAT YOU DO. *She hates her life and you are a big part of it.* You are her punching bag.

Tell her to stop watching the news on TV!

Separate....if you have the strength. If she cannot live with you.....can she live without you?

Without consequences, an abusive person will continue their bad behavior.


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## Lostandafraid2016 (Aug 23, 2016)

She denies any of it and says it is BS. She started talking crap about me once to our oldest who quickly told her to stop. I really am lost as to what her problem is. The other day I was working from home, she sent me a text saying that she would be a bit late from work because she was going to get a pedicure and then stop by the grocery store to pick up some fruit and vegetables. When she got home, she asked me if I went to the store and got the fruit and vegetables and I told her that I did not, she let out a huge sigh and then said "Fine, I guess I will head right back out the door and pick them up myself"

I asked her later if I misunderstood her text because it clearly said that she was going to pick up the fruit and veggies, she said no that is what she meant but she ended up running behind and had hoped I had gone to the store myself. I am like WTF? I am not a mind reader.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

So, how's the sex? Frequent? Good?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I think this kind of treatment of each other can sneak in gradually. That being said, you have to allow it to happen/continue.

I've only been remarried less than 2 years. My hubby is a VP of a company so his job all the time is to tell people what they are doing wrong and get them to fix it/adjust.

Sometimes this creeps in toward me when we are working on something together at home. The moment he begins this BS with me. I immediately stop whatever it is that I was helping him with, stare him directly in the eye and say, "I need you to talk to me as your wife, your equal. I am NOT one of your employees, you WILL NOT "manage" me. If you don't like the way I am doing it and you are going to talk down to me about it, have a blast doing it yourself."

I don't say this in a situation where I am doing something in error. If I am doing it wrong, and he approaches me in a loving way as a husband, I thank him and adjust...The times I would react as I described above would be in a situation like you talked about with the bikes or pizza.

I think how we treat each other in marriages, a lot of it is what we allow. We have to stick up for ourselves and not let our spouses treat us like crap, even if they are aggravated.

You are so far in now, that I don't know how you fix it. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, and I wish you the best.


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## Lostandafraid2016 (Aug 23, 2016)

How's the sex...hahahaha, we may and I repeat may have sex once per month and that is only if I initiate. I have asked her to initiate or be more affectionate to me because I do not feel wanted by her at all.


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## Lostandafraid2016 (Aug 23, 2016)

I agree with you about me allowing it and I really like your approach with your husband in defending your self. When I do defend myself, she because so angry and miserable that she makes it so difficult to be in the same house as her and she not only makes it difficult for me but for our children as well. Whenever I do anything on my own the first thing the kids say to me is "Does Mom Know?" of "You're gonna be in trouble with mom"


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Aside from how she act when you are around, how is your wife getting along with the kids? Is she short with them as well or does she act completely different?


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## Cowboy2 (Nov 12, 2013)

Get out now.

She's miserable and hates her life and you bear the brunt of it.

Don't be her whipping boy.

Find your self respect and leave.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Lostandafraid2016 said:


> I often respond with shock at first and then I find that I get defensive.


I hate to tell you, but she lost all respect for you a long, long time ago.

Most women don't admire men they can push around. They see you as weak and not confident. I know *I* couldn't respect a man who allowed me to wear the pants in the family. I'm sorry, but I couldn't. 

And it's quite clear, *she* wears the pants.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Lostandafraid2016 said:


> I agree with you about me allowing it and I really like your approach with your husband in defending your self. When I do defend myself, she because so angry and miserable that she makes it so difficult to be in the same house as her and she not only makes it difficult for me but for our children as well. Whenever I do anything on my own the first thing the kids say to me is "Does Mom Know?" of "You're gonna be in trouble with mom"


^^^^^ Ugh... ^^^^^^

I rest my case.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

What constitutes as a round of counseling? Much less 4..... Stopping and starting after X amount of time?


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

Lostandafraid2016 said:


> We have been Married for 21 years and have 3 children. Ages are 18, 14 and 12. No she has not always been this way but has been getting progressively worse over time. When I say she gives me **** all the time, I do mean it and it is often for nothing at all. A quick example is this, the other day, I asked her if she wanted to order pizza for supper (it was a lazy kind of day) and her response was "No, we have pizza in the freezer" I told her that I think there is only one there and it would not be enough and she said she still did not want to order one. An hour or so later, she went to the freezer and took out the pizza, she then asked me if I could order another one but to only order one because we had one already. I called to order 1 large pizza but found out it was $5 cheaper to order 2 medium because the second pizza was half price. So I ordered the 2 pizzas thinking 1) I am saving us some money and 2) I can order two different pizzas so that everyone would have a pizza they liked. When pizza arrived, she immediately yelled at me saying "I told you only to order one pizza" I Quickly responded that I had ordered the 2 medium ones for the reasons I mentioned already. She was very upset with me and I think it was for nothing.


The pizza story? She's angry and resentful about something and it comes out like this. So, what is she angry and resentful about? It's not about control or pizza - it's about something in your relationship. Most likely issues that remain unaddressed. What are they?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lostandafraid2016 said:


> She denies any of it and says it is BS. She started talking crap about me once to our oldest who quickly told her to stop. I really am lost as to what her problem is. The other day I was working from home, she sent me a text saying that she would be a bit late from work because she was going to get a pedicure and then stop by the grocery store to pick up some fruit and vegetables. When she got home, she asked me if I went to the store and got the fruit and vegetables and I told her that I did not, she let out a huge sigh and then said "Fine, I guess I will head right back out the door and pick them up myself"
> 
> I asked her later if I misunderstood her text because it clearly said that she was going to pick up the fruit and veggies, she said no that is what she meant but she ended up running behind and had hoped I had gone to the store myself. I am like WTF? I am not a mind reader.


Menopausal problems? It happens, what age is she?


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