# sexual satisfaction



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

So once and a while I post a message on here to gain perspective and different points of view. I have tried talking and communication to my wife about my needs of wanting to connect more, be intimate and have sex..

This has not helped. In fact some of her reactive answers include:

You only care about sex
Why dont you find someone else to have sex with 
Why dont you hire someone to have sex with 
Maybe you should find someone to have sex with that likes sex...

Anyways I feel as if all of the answers have been a reaction based on what my wife may be going through. She is 48 and and I am 45.

She just saw a doctor and she starting to take herbs for hormone balancing just a few weeks ago which has taken her almost 2-3 years to see a doctor...

Its really hard to deal with. I guess you can say I have tried talking, suggesting marriage counseling so we can work on our communication and relationship yet my wife feels she doesnt want to go ...

I just dont know if I am being too attached to the idea of sex. We had sex like 1 time in the last 6 months and my wife is the one who initiated. I have backed off massively because I was tired of being rejected...

Anyways I sure wish everything would change. Its driving me nuts. And I am starting to feel very trapped in this FUNK ...And because I dont have sex , I think about it more its like a catch22...

Because of the long stretch I get so worked up. Me and my wife work together with a business. Sometimes when my wife asked me to do things after hours or work after hours I feel like asking her what are we working towards.... I feel very off balance that I work and meet her requests but mine arent being met ...

What the hell do I do ? Its like right now she has no LIBIDO whatsoever where before she used to at least give me a massage that was sensual and she has even stopped doing that over the last 7 months ..

I dont want to start another conversation with - what is wrong ? why has everything changed, why is our relationship not a priority to you next to everything else in life ?

Its rough, its very confusing because we have these long conversations about ideas, and work and life - yet we cant talk about intimacy and sex, perhaps I need to take more risks..and become foward..

Like when she says can you do me a favor, perhaps I should say can you do me a favor ..LOL..

I know somehow she is avoiding this issue, but its not going to go away on its own... I have tried some many options ...

I work out 6 times a week, in great shape and my libido is there every day I just want more than a relationship with myself ... I want to have some fun besides working every minute of every day ...

Perhaps she is off balance, depressed and needs to recharge. I think her adrenals are off, shes edgy , has a short fuse and I just dont know what to do.

I love her very much but honestly I dont want the next 5 years to be the same as now, its a bad example for my daughter and my mind is wandering on what I can do for what I want, if my wife doesnt want to play with me on the same field...


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

happybuddha said:


> *I work out 6 times a week, in great shape and my libido is there every day* I just want more than a relationship with myself


Instead of using exercise as an escape, refocus it on trying to find anything possible to get her to be more active and exercise WITH YOU! 

Don't argue about having sex together, argue instead about wanting her to exercise with you. This should demonstrate that you argue with her because you CARE about her, the exercise should help her relieve stress, the two of you can hopefully bond while exercising, and the combination of these should work in your favor to make her more receptive towards intimacy. 

The challenge of this that you should not underestimate, is to do whatever it takes to find a form of exercise she enjoys. Even if you have to dress up in yoga pants and go do zumba with her at the YMCA...

Regards,
Badsanta


----------



## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

Ouch. I can relate to this:

_I have backed off massively because I was tired of being rejected..._

Let me know if you find the silver bullet, please.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I was wondering how you were doing, HB. 

Still complaining why she won't change while you are unwilling to do things to instigate change, eh?

Like I have said to you on more than one occasion... When you are sufficiently tired of it, you will do something about it besides complaining that she won't change.

When you are ready...really ready, PM me.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

happybuddha said:


> ....She just saw a doctor and she starting to take herbs for hormone balancing just a few weeks ago which has taken her almost 2-3 years to see a doctor...
> 
> Its really hard to deal with. I guess you can say I have tried talking, suggesting marriage counseling so we can work on our communication and relationship yet my wife feels she doesnt want to go ...
> 
> ...


Again, read MW Davis book The Sex Starved Marriage. Pay close attention to "Getting a Life" and doing 180's when she discusses them in her book. 

One of the things that most people avoid is that they are part of the problem. No matter what you think and how sure that the problem is 100% hers, you are probably part of the problem.

Your statement that you have "..backed off massively because I was tired of being rejected....." is a huge red flag. I would bet you that your wife knows you have backed off and that she has assigned feelings to why you have backed off. They may not be correct feelings on your part, but I'll wager you haven't told her in any kind of convincing way that you still love her, still find her attractive, but you aren't going to try to pursue her anymore. Most people would assume that you are angry at them. Anger begets anger. 

My marriage turned around when I finally understood what Glover was trying to say about covert contracts and I provided unconditional love to my wife in ways that made her feel cherished and special. Rather than I'll do you a favor if you do me one, it is more, I love you and will do things for you to make you feel special because of how much I love you. Chapman's 5 Love Languages also helped me figure out what it was that made my wife feel cherished and loved. It took several months of that, before she could drop some of her anger toward me and start treating me better.

You can't change your wife. You can change yourself, you can change how you treat your wife and you can change what kind of treatment you will accept from your wife. By changing what you have control over, you can create a new dynamic that will require your wife the change the way she treats you. If may be an improvement or it may not be an improvement, the type of change is totally up to her. 

If you change nothing, nothing will change. I suggest that you work on changing yourself and how you treat your wife.

Good luck.


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Do what YAH says. Until you can't. Then get divorced.

That is the entire program. It is a "magic bullet" in that it ensures you won't remain stuck in a sexless marriage forever. It does not ensure that you will stay married to the person you are married to when you begin the process.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

happybuddha said:


> So once and a while I post a message on here to gain perspective and different points of view. I have tried talking and communication to my wife about my needs of wanting to connect more, be intimate and have sex..
> 
> This has not helped. In fact some of her reactive answers include:
> 
> ...



Talking more about intinamacy and sex with a LD spouse will just give the LD spouse the excuse to say, all you talk about and want is sex.....(because you aren't getting sex in the first place)

It took 2 to 3 years for her to see a Doctor. Wow. Sounds like a very low priority in her life.

Sex 1x in only six months. I feel for you.

You've stopped initiating because of her constant excuses and reasons not to have sex. I stopped initiating with Mrs.CuddleBug years ago as well. If we have sex, she is the one that initiates at this point.

Our ladies are supposed to take care of us guys main love language which usually is physical and sexual. Us guys are wired for sex and are built on testosterone. Ladies know this but still pull the LD crap on us and wonder why we always seem to need sex? Not rocket science......but to them it is. I say, let them go back to high school and remember all the parties, open dating and hook ups.

What I did was buy myself a pocket pu$$y. When I'm really in the mood, I use some oil with it and 1 to 2 minutes later I'm good. It's not as good as the real thing but its close. This beats meeting other ladies who want friends with many benefits.

I've been married 16 years now to Mrs.CuddleBug. I love her dearly but our marriage is like room mates, friends with benefits a lot of the time. The sex and intimacy just isn't there due to her being LD conservative and she has done little to almost nothing about it. I used to initiate all the time but the constant rejections and excuses not to have sex took their toll and I no longer initiate. I found out her main reason for her lack of sex is due to her extreme insecurity about her size. She has to want to do the gym thing 6 days week, meet new friends, lose weight, eat better calorie sized meals for her body type, but she has to want to do this. She'd rather work, talk on the phone, watch tv and use her laptop.

It's called sexual mismatch. HD + LD = bad marriage and relationships.

When married, hubby and wifee are to take care of each others needs as their own. That means if her need is emotional, romance and cuddling, you do that for her so she's never starved and miserable. Now here's the kicker, we do this for our ladies, right? Yet they still pull the LD scenerios and see nothing wrong with making us miserable. It seems that LD spouses don't have to take care of their HD spouses needs but HD spouses are still to take care of their needs regardless......


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> It's called sexual mismatch. HD + LD = bad marriage and relationships.


While it is difficult to solve this problem, it can be helped. Ultimately something will need to change but *the best approach can be achieved from taking a perspective that BOTH you and your wife are PERFECTLY HEALTHY and do NOT need to change.* 

It is more likely that you each respond differently to the environment that you live in has changed over time, and you each need to take some time to understand WHAT you each respond to both good and bad and HOW your bodies respond. 

This will allow you to address problems in your environment and the context in which you and your wife respond sexually. 

Some generic examples might be the bed that one sleeps in was once comfortable, but now causes profound back pain and lack of sleep. Or the car one drives used to be safe but is now extremely unsafe and needing repair. Or the soap used in the shower that was once OK is now causing mild allergic reactions. So on and so on! Point being none of these indicate a problem with someone and that they need to change, but instead these are issues in the environment that need to be addressed that will likely improve sexual receptiveness. 

Sincerely, 
Badsanta


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

happybuddha said:


> This has not helped. In fact some of her reactive answers include:
> 
> You only care about sex
> Why dont you find someone else to have sex with
> ...


I have heard every single one of those from my wife!
24 year marriage, I am 53, she is 49

4 years into my 180, we are having the best sex of our lives, twice a week, which is pretty much all I can handle.

It is possible.


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I had a discussion last night about COMMUNICATION. About how we must make it a priority for us to communicate about stuff other than business and about our family. We always end up talking about work all of the time and we never discuss our relationship, issues, hang ups and goals we have as a couple.

My goal was to at least talk about us making time for us. My wife immediately said why do we need to talk about talking why dont we just discuss whats going on specifically. I shared that I needed for us to work on growing our relationship to another level. her response was instead of talking about things together you should just DO it . Instead of talking about a vacation just plan it , instead of discussing issues do what you want.

She then guessed that perhaps my talk was about sex her not having any sex with me . She assumed that if I was to have sex with her 2 times a week that I would not have any issues at all , that I would be more balanced, feel more connected and not have any issues to discuss. She then said well if you did not act WEIRD around sex then perhaps I would want to have it. She then said that I want sex and we get to sex and then I act strange around it and ask her what she is thinking instead of being into sex....

I again said that it important for us to work on issues together. Her response was perhaps I should go see a psychologist and get mental help. I then responded with the fact that all of the counselors and people I have spoke with have suggested we go together and she said she doesnt have any issues. In fact the she started saying that perhaps she should be the one that is complaining about this vs. me... that since I have known her I have acted weird around sex and that it turns her off when I start acting weird and ask what she thinks and all...

I dont get it , she uses me for my mind and my ideas when she has problems or needs to accomplish things yet, my thinking that is my strength is now an issue when it comes to sex ? Yet I suggest we work on this together she said that if I just worked on myself then everything would work out ...on its own , yet I have been working on myself for the last few years and the bottom line in sex there has to be 2 people connecting and alligning. She said all of the answers are not out there that someone is telling you them, she said they are all inside...

What is find strange is that she knows if we had sex - that would balance our relationship and we would not have any issues. Yet she feels its not her responsibility to have any sex with me ....which sounds a bit controlling or perhaps avoiding my needs because she knows they are there. IS she teaching me some lesson here ? 

Its enough to drive you insane, I talk about working on issues together and she said why cant we all just work on our own issues...
Then she says it seems as if I am trapped in a mental prison because what I want I am not getting .. so she really does understand 
my needs but perhaps she is intentionally avoiding those needs ? Perhaps I am weird around sex, how do i break free from the issues 
if my wife isnt going to work on them with me even after I am communicating - she gets it - she just does not feel its any of her part to 
be involved in this ? Yet I dont want to play games here..she involves me in every other thing she does and gets my opinion yet - that 
part of what I want she doesnt want to work on ?

Maybe she is avoiding her facing issues she has by pointing the finger at me. Ill admit every human can grow and evolve 
however when you feel that your not at fault that someone else is the issue, isnt that disconnection from a unified relationship ?
I am admitting we need to work on us, she is saying its your issue not mine ...


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Do you talk about sex while having sex, rather than just DO sex? If so, she may have a point. There is a time to turn off the intellectual part of your brain and lean into experience. To her, talking and analyzing during is "weird" - and if you do that, I would have to agree with her.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

lifecolorful said:


> Ouch. I can relate to this:
> 
> _I have backed off massively because I was tired of being rejected..._
> 
> Let me know if you find the silver bullet, please.


"Why dont you find someone else to have sex with 
Why dont you hire someone to have sex with 
Maybe you should find someone to have sex with that likes sex..."

Found that magic bullet for you.


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Also referring to 100% of the time. It's weird last time when we had sex she initiated and I go down on her orally ..and I please her - there was 0 percent analyzing or thinking and that was 2 months ago. the time before that was 6 months ago. So then how do I work on this if she is now having a belief in her mind that I am weird' , is that now how shes expecting me to be during sex ? Where is her being present vs. being in the past ?

I get it - the question is perhaps this is just another way to not take any responsibility for being part of the solution. She also said she used to be the one that initiated sex in the beginning and now she does not want to do that - yet she also is the one that complains about how I kiss, or do things and she said shes tried to show me ...LOL.. I am not sure when she has maybe 2 times in 5 years of showing me ..LOL


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Do you talk about sex while having sex, rather than just DO sex? If so, she may have a point. There is a time to turn off the intellectual part of your brain and lean into experience. To her, talking and analyzing during is "weird" - and if you do that, I would have to agree with her.


BINGO!
I used to talk to my wife about sex all the time......WRONG.
JUST DO IT!


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

happybuddha said:


> Also referring to 100% of the time. It's weird last time when we had sex she initiated and I go down on her orally ..and I please her - there was 0 percent analyzing or thinking and that was 2 months ago. the time before that was 6 months ago. So then how do I work on this if she is now having a belief in her mind that I am weird' , is that now how shes expecting me to be during sex ? Where is her being present vs. being in the past ?
> 
> I get it - the question is perhaps this is just another way to not take any responsibility for being part of the solution. She also said she used to be the one that initiated sex in the beginning and now she does not want to do that - yet she also is the one that complains about how I kiss, or do things and she said shes tried to show me ...LOL.. I am not sure when she has maybe 2 times in 5 years of showing me ..LOL


Dude, after reading what your wife said, it is very clear to me at least that she needs YOU to initiate. She needs /wants YOU to take her. Stop thinking so much and start initiating twice a week. Forget about anything negative and take the lead here. If she turns you down, she is probably shiit testing you to make certain you're not going to turn this into a whinny discussion about how your needs are not being met. Fuuck her already !! Grow a pair and take your wife. She'll be glad you did.

Here is what you do:

When the house is clear, find your wife. I don't care what she is doing, folding laundry, paying bills, whatever. Find her, take a deep breath, lock the door behind you and look her in the eyes and say "I want you!" Then start taking her clothes off and get to work. (Have some lube in your back pocket.) She will sheepishly say things like "I'm dirty" or "have you gone crazy" etc. Reply with "I want you" and continue. 
I'll bet you 50 bucks that you'll both end up with a smile on your face.

Not talking about rape, I'm talking about showing REAL passion for your wife. Obviously, if she punches you in the face or kicks you in the balls, stop and collect your 50 bucks from me.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

See previous post in edit.


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

UMP: 

I guess I am un-****ed...LOL

However I have initiated like that previously based on similar advice....- she stops me and says... what are you doing ? 
Are you on a mission or something ? I said Yes, she said not now...I cant take this pressure.. I have done this. 
There was a few months from the coaching of someone on TAM where I just initiated and did not ask.. she said she 
felt pressure and she wanted to sleep in a separate room... I dont know...

Why do I feel like this whole thing is some GAME ? I initiate and want my wife and that is pressure, I communicate that 
is pressure, its funny when I go down on my wife and have sex with her ... she seems pleased ...my question is what 
happened to her side. 

I have tried the direct approach and initiation the way you suggested and for some reason it then made her feel pressure...

What the hell... Iw as told before dont take this personally and just keep initiating with her - yet she got upset with 
me because she felt pressure.. The last time we had sex she woke me up at 5 am which was a change and asked if 
I want to have sex. that went fine for us and a change - YET why is she hanging on to the weird thing over my head.
Maybe shes just messing with me to not be responsible for her part....

We had a conversation last time she said I am not doing anything wrong and that its not me she just has no libido 
for me or anyone else ? So what is true - is she off emotionally ? 

I don't know.. this is like CATCH 22, initiate and have sex - that is pressure, she knows that things would be better 
if we had sex , yet shes not up for having it ...


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Listen I am open to learning how to be better : Who do I do that with ?????

"I know now how it came to me, I was sittin around one day, after my second divorce, I said hey, maybe if I learned how to f$ck real good I wouldn't have to give away everything I f$cking own every five f$cking years!" 
Sam Kinison

Should I take a class on this on my own ???


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> ....One of the things that most people avoid is that they are part of the problem. No matter what you think and how sure that the problem is 100% hers, you are probably part of the problem.
> 
> ....If you change nothing, nothing will change. I suggest that you work on changing yourself and how you treat your wife.
> 
> Good luck.





happybuddha said:


> ....My wife immediately said why do we need to talk about talking why dont we just discuss whats going on specifically. I shared that I needed for us to work on growing our relationship to another level. *her response was instead of talking about things together you should just DO it . Instead of talking about a vacation just plan it , instead of discussing issues do what you want.*
> 
> She then guessed that perhaps my talk was about sex her not having any sex with me . *She assumed that if I was to have sex with her 2 times a week that I would not have any issues at all , that I would be more balanced, feel more connected and not have any issues to discuss*. *She then said well if you did not act WEIRD around sex then perhaps I would want to have it. * She then said that I want sex and we get to sex and then I act strange around it and ask her what she is thinking instead of being into sex....
> 
> ...





happybuddha said:


> ....I get it - the question is perhaps this is *just another way to not take any responsibility for being part of the solution.* She also said she used to be the one that initiated sex in the beginning and *now she does not want to do that *- *yet she also is the one that complains about how I kiss, or do things and she said shes tried to show me* ...LOL.. I am not sure when she has maybe 2 times in 5 years of showing me ..LOL


Your wife has been very honest with you. Have you listened to what she really said to you?

For a moment put yourself in he shoes/mind. She has told you what the problem is that is causing her to not want sex with you and she knows exactly what you want. 

Assume for a moment that you can't change her, but can change yourself. What advice would you give yourself? Would you learn how to kiss differently? (There are YouTube videos, kissing schools, etc.) Would you do some introspection to ask YOURSELF what you are doing that is weirding your wife out in regards to sex? (Don't expect her to tell you, figure it out for yourself, run a little trial and error experiment if you must, but don't be a whining begging little boy asking her to teach you.) Would you initiate more, even if it meant rejections? (Yes, you should) You seem like a smart guy, think about what she has told you and what is under your ability to control. It is clear she doesn't want you to over-think and over-talk things with her, so don't!

And your comment about another way not to take responsibility? Well, I think you need to stand in front of a mirror and take some responsibility for part of your sexless marriage. Yes, you are part of the problem, whether you want to admit it or not. Now you have the opportunity to change that. And by changing that, I mean changing yourself and how you behave.

As Bad Santa said, you need to understand that she is not broken, and you are not broken, you are just responding to your environment in ways that are not compatible to each other. You have control over how you respond, so take control of yourself and make changes in yourself. Your wife knows exactly what you need and has told you and she probably will take care of you when you behave differently. Don't demand that she go to MC, if you need IC, then by all means go and use it to help change yourself. 

Good luck. I hope you do the introspection.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

happybuddha said:


> Listen I am open to learning how to be better : *Who do I do that with ?????*
> 
> "I know now how it came to me, I was sittin around one day, after my second divorce, I said hey, maybe if I learned how to f$ck real good I wouldn't have to give away everything I f$cking own every five f$cking years!"
> Sam Kinison
> ...


You could divorce this wife, and then find a girlfriend and not marry. You can get much better at sex, have frequent sex, and if it doesn't work out, use what you've learned and find another. Mr. Kinison wasn't thinking clearly, IMO. Perhaps eventually you'll find one worth marrying, but do so without delusions or unrealistic expectations.


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Here is what I dont get : How do I work on kissing and sex on my own . I have done this - not with someone else ? This didnt show up in other relationships I had where I had sex in the past. No one ever said you have wet kisses, or give me space.. I have been working on me with lots of different books, gym, personal development and yet hmmm...

I dont know - I am taking responsibility for me , perhaps I am looking in all of the wrong places. Perhaps I am extending way too much effort in this direction , perhaps I am the one that is committed to solutions that work for us as couple . I am really taking in everything my wife is saying the question is : how do I work on sex, without my wife ? if sex is part of the issue ?

Its screwy to say the least. Perhaps I have mental hang ups or shame around sex perhaps that is why being judged for what I am doing all of the time hits me in a certain spot ...I know its part of a relationship ...shouldnt a husband and wife work on this together , hmmm m??


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

How do you change yourself and how you behave if someone is always listening to you from that perspective. for example listening is very powerful. If you listen to someone as if they are an ass, you will create them being an ass based on your perspective of where your listening from ? 

If you have a judgement on something before you experience how will you truly experience that from a fresh perspective ..?


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

HB,
Most folks who come on TAM and start 20 threads on the exact same topic, don't succeed. 

Every time people on TAM ask you tough questions, or hold you accountable you: disappear for weeks and return with a brand new thread. 

This is the opposite of what a good listener does. 




happybuddha said:


> How do you change yourself and how you behave if someone is always listening to you from that perspective. for example listening is very powerful. If you listen to someone as if they are an ass, you will create them being an ass based on your perspective of where your listening from ?
> 
> If you have a judgement on something before you experience how will you truly experience that from a fresh perspective ..?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Can you hear me now...?





happybuddha said:


> How do you change yourself and how you behave if someone is always listening to you from that perspective. for example listening is very powerful. If you listen to someone as if they are an ass, you will create them being an ass based on your perspective of where your listening from ?
> 
> If you have a judgement on something before you experience how will you truly experience that from a fresh perspective ..?



How about now, can you hear me now?


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

HB--your wife senses your desperation and it turns her off. It creates an environment of 24/7 pressure for her, even when you aren't pushing her for sex. 

That's why Ump's suggestion of just grabbing and taking her isn't going to work. It's just another manifestation of your desperation to her.

My 2 cents--you're not going to get anywhere at all until you lose that desperation. Acting won't do it. It has to be real.


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

What are the tough questions which I am not answering ?
I guess much of the problem with me being on TAM. is its 
not something I am open about with my wife.

So therefore some of my answers seem sporadic or incomplete..

Perhaps you are right, perhaps I am looking for something that 
doesnt exist - perhaps I should be really studying all of the answers.

I have received different opinions and its always easy to be a judge 
from outside a situation - but when it comes down to it - then you 
have to act and try new things to get a new result.

I am here and happy to answer direct questions. I dont think I am 
hiding - perhaps I am confused from getting answers or perspectives
from many other people.

I have talked to a counselor and about 12 different coach/professionals
so I am making an effort . I am working on me being better . But the 
operative is "I" not "WE" I want the "we" to work so its not just about 
"I"... yet I guess part of this is "Me" being the one to solve this ?

Is not a relationship a two way street ?? I cant come driving down 
the one way street with my truck and not see the person in front of me ?
RIght ??


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Fozzy:

Yet my losing the desperation - my wife doesnt come around she is busy sleeping and doing her stuff. Listen in the last 7 months I have 
not been desperate ... I have let go of expectations however I do want to have a PLAN for improving me energy and situation. The 
question FOZZY is when I feel turned on, horny or want to have sex... do I go somewhere else ? Into the bathroom by myself or 
how to I guide my sexual energy ..what happens when I am in the mood ? What I do ? 

I feel like we are roomates ..trust me I have not pressured my wife for 6-7 months about sex. we had sex 1 time ...
I dont even expect SEX any more ...? What would you do if you were in my shoes with your energy ?

We both work out and are healthy ! We work out 6 times per week between trainer, yoga and cardio ...

What would you suggest "Fozzy" ??


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

HB,
You've been told repeatedly in posts and private messages - to stick with a single thread.

This is your 20th thread. So you are doing the opposite of what the experienced folks here suggested. 

1. You actually don't listen
2. You then claim you are a good listener
3. You have a long list of excuses for why you can't comply with simple instructions 

People tend to be consistent. Which makes me think - you don't listen to your wife either. Not really. Or I'll put it differently. You listen attentively to her, UNTIL YOU HEAR SOMETHING YOU DONT LIKE. At which point you check out. 

If you want to really understand what's going on, go find the post where you responded to the following question. 

I asked you what your weaknesses were. 

You answered with a list of 40 YES 40 strengths. Followed by a very short list of weaknesses that you clearly put no effort into. 

Those are my two examples. When told to stick with one thread, you create 20. 

When asked what your weaknesses are, you actually put all your effort into a list of strengths. 

You are self sabotaging more aggressively than almost anyone here. 





happybuddha said:


> What are the tough questions which I am not answering ?
> I guess much of the problem with me being on TAM. is its
> not something I am open about with my wife.
> 
> ...


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I noticed that you equate doing extra things for the business that you run with your wife as a big favor to her which she now owes you sex for. Why? Is the business hers? If you split up does she get to keep it all?

If you'd want your part then you are in fact not doing HER a huge favor. You're running your joint business. Please explain what that has to do with her owing you sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

happybuddha said:


> Here is what I dont get : *How do I work on kissing and sex on my own . *
> 
> I dont know - *I am taking responsibility for me , perhaps I am looking in all of the wrong places*.
> 
> ...


Since you can't put 2 and 2 together.

(1) Kissing, there are schools and videos that teach kissing, spend some time learning. check out the following. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wvPY-MCV3Q

(2) You ask if you are looking in the wrong places in regards to responsibility. Yes, look in the mirror.

(3) How do you work on sex without your wife? Read, watch certain kinds of educational videos. Books: She comes first or Morgasms. Video's Sinclair Institute Better Sex videos. The Sex Therapist that helped my wife and me suggested we watch there Better Sex series. She even suggested that if my wife didn't want to watch them, they would provide "us" benefits, if I just watched them. So, yes you can do things without your wife and without cheating.

(4) Should a husband and wife work on this together? Normally, but you have really pissed your wife off and she has told you to figure it out yourself. She said she has tried and given up. You can either complain or man up and figure things out for yourself. That is your reality, you need to accept it and deal with things you have some control over.

Again, I would urge you to do some introspection. I would urge you to read and study MW Davis book, The Sex Starved Marriage. I would urge you to read and study Glover's book, No More Mr. Nice Guy. 

You have the capacity to change. If you change, if you do 180's, if you provide your wife with the love she needs, she will likely change how she treats you. You will not cause it to change by blaming her, by making it her fault, or by waiting for her to cure the problem.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

happybuddha said:


> ...Is not a relationship a two way street ?? ?


No a real marital relationship is two people who love and want to please and take care of each other. That doesn't mean I will please you if you please me. 

Do you know what unconditional love is? Try giving your wife "unconditional love." My dog taught me the most about unconditional love. It is about loving someone just because of who they are. Not wanting them to change, not witholding anything until you get something. It is the exact opposite of the covert contracts that Glover talks about in his book NMMNG.


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

wow. I cant put 2+2 together ?

(1) Kissing, there are schools and videos that teach kissing, spend some time learning. check out the following. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wvPY-MCV3Q

1A: I never had any complaints before on this. As of lately everything annoys my wife. She is very irritable. I am not trying to pass blame and she showed me one time in 15 years some kissing as she showed me for a minute. As she made fun of me , her emotions kicked in . I never thought this was a huge issue ever before, did I just become a bad kisser all of a sudden ?

(2) You ask if you are looking in the wrong places in regards to responsibility. Yes, look in the mirror.

2A: I am looking in the mirror. This is why I have hired 12 different coaches, talked to counselors and also sex therapist advice - however 
I do agree I can always improve - the main suggestion is that I was a good communicator and working on myself yet - its seems like your 
wife is not wanting to work on any of this ...many suggested adrenal and endocrine issues.. I will look in the mirror harder then . I get it 
however why are a bunch of people saying that its her that has to desire to want to grow and be involved in this ?? 

(3) How do you work on sex without your wife? Read, watch certain kinds of educational videos. Books: She comes first or Morgasms. Video's Sinclair Institute Better Sex videos. The Sex Therapist that helped my wife and me suggested we watch there Better Sex series. She even suggested that if my wife didn't want to watch them, they would provide "us" benefits, if I just watched them. So, yes you can do things without your wife and without cheating.

3A: I will look into these sexual education videos: Again I never had these issues with any other women. However I am open to LEARN !! 

(4) Should a husband and wife work on this together? Normally, but you have really pissed your wife off and she has told you to figure it out yourself. She said she has tried and given up. You can either complain or man up and figure things out for yourself. That is your reality, you need to accept it and deal with things you have some control over.

4A; I am not sure how I really pissed off my wife: She seems pissed off at the world at times, at men, at life ..LOL. I will man up and 
I will work on me and work on these things. Before when I had calls with a sex therapist and counselor she becomes sarcastic and then
she makes fun of me when she wants to throw in some sarcasm.. She has never looked into improving our relationship by suggesting 
anything or even being on the same page of seeing someone with me .. hmmm. I guess I have to MAN UP and handle all of this on my 
own..


Again, I would urge you to do some introspection. I would urge you to read and study MW Davis book, The Sex Starved Marriage. I would urge you to read and study Glover's book, No More Mr. Nice Guy. 

I read:

The Sex Starved Marriage 
No More Mr Nice Guy 
MMSL 
5 Languages of Love 
Sheet Music 
and about 15 other relationship books.

I guess my wife knows all of this internally because she hasnt read one book on a relationship or marriage .
She reads articles on skin care and spends her time ordering clothes and make up online ...

You have the capacity to change. If you change, if you do 180's, if you provide your wife with the love she needs, she will likely change how she treats you. You will not cause it to change by blaming her, by making it her fault, or by waiting for her to cure the problem.

Answer: I did the 180, Perhaps I need to commit to being in this education phase for the next 12 months straight and not 
expect any results from her , just look at what I am doing and consistently learn for 12 months no matter what. Perhaps 
I am looking for her to want to be involved in this process with me .. perhaps because all of the people I paid keep suggesting 
that to me.. They say I sound like I really care and I want to grow - yet the question they have is what is she doing . Perhaps 
I need to read all of these books over and over every month to MASTER all of the priniciples !! 

I know I still have work to do , we all do .. I have invested lots in looking in the mirror perhaps - it hasnt been enough for her 
perhaps I need to keep going without having any expectations or outcome expected


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Unconditional love:

Yes I do agree its not this for that : 

Here are some of the ways I show care for my wife:


Every morning - I cook breakfast for myself and my daughter because my wife is sleeping - I want her to get her rest - since shes always tired.
Sometimes I have to also get my wife going and wake her up 
I usually get her coffee almost every day when I get my coffee in the morning 
Usually every day I pick up my daughter from school when shes down while my wife is at home working ( we run a business ) 
I wash most of my own dishes, pans and clothes so she doesnt have more to do 
every night I put my daughter to sleep while my wife is in the bathroom or on her computer 
Many nights I give my daughter a bath to help my wife 
My wife goes to Yoga twice per week and I handle everything at home while she does 
Every day I give my daughter her vitamins and herbs in the am and pm 
on saturdays and sundays I drive daughter to her lessons or parties to give my wife more space
When the cleaning person comes to clean we usually all go out to breakfast and go somewhere for the day 
I give my wife space to do things she needs to like time in bathroom - or if she has appointment at gym or yoga 
on friday nights I drive family to dinner
On saturday and Sunday I let my wife sleep in and get some rest ...vs having to wake up early 
My wife has time to go to stores, order stuff online and catch up on work and emails from about 730 pm to 10 pm 

So I do much more as well to try and make her life easier . Simple things - I enjoy spending time with my daughter 
and hope by all the love I show that she appreciates it. Many times she gets annoyed and frustrated easily but the 
doctor she visited a few months ago said her adrenals are tapped out and also she needs some balancing or hormones.

So I do love my wife and not only do things unconditionally but try to make everything better for her all of the time.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Sloppy, wet kisses are a MAJOR turnoff and generally don't put someone in the mood for sex.

Just because no one ever complained before doesn't mean that you are a skilled kisser.

Chances are if she doesn't like the way you kiss, she doesn't like your sex technique either.

Get some instructional videos or hire a sex therapist. 

She told you very clearly she doesn't like what you're doing. So fix it. Open your ears and listen to what she is saying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Dear Personal,

Thanks for your opinion. How is your marriage going perhaps you can share examples and suggestions.
Getting over myself is a good direction. ok, perhaps I am lost on how to do that exactly .. hmmm.......
I am the one that keeps working on me and my relationship....and I am listening to doctors and professionals.
Their advice has never been get over yourself... Perhaps you can define specifically what that means.

Is it possible that what I am describing is her wanting to just avoid dealing with it and deter the attention 
back to me because she is depressed ? What about her saying she has no libido ? She has no desire for me 
or anyone else she sees.. she just doesnt feel like it ?


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Young at Heart said:


> No a real marital relationship is two people who love and want to please and take care of each other. That doesn't mean I will please you if you please me.
> 
> Do you know what unconditional love is? *Try giving your wife "unconditional love." My dog taught me the most about unconditional love.* It is about loving someone just because of who they are. Not wanting them to change, not witholding anything until you get something. It is the exact opposite of the covert contracts that Glover talks about in his book NMMNG.


You can give unconditional love for a while, but eventually it gets too tiring/frustrating if there is no positive feedback. _Then_ if you want to be loved back, you get a dog.


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Personal

So what would you suggest if you were in my shoes ?
Based on what you have read ( I am sure you dont get 100% of the situation )


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

happybuddha said:


> Unconditional love:
> 
> Yes I do agree its not this for that :
> 
> ...


This list just seems like the normal responsibilities of an adult Father. 

Where's the romance? The alone time together to just have fun? Dates *without the kid*? 
What's her love language and/or top emotional need?

Also- my H has said a few times that he's never had the same issues with other women that he does with me. Doesn't mean a thing to me. Other women are not your wife. You do what your wife needs in bed not what has worked for others. We are all different.

ETA- Just wanted to also clearly say that doing things for your child or home is not HELPING your wife. It's not doing something special for HER. It's just part of your job as a Dad.


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

This list just seems like the normal responsibilities of an adult Father. 

YES, they are normal responsibilities: however it almost feels as if I am doing a majority or the responsibilities for my daughter.
I get these are normal.. 


Where's the romance? The alone time together to just have fun? Dates *without the kid*? 
What's her love language and/or top emotional need?

Her love language is quality time. Yes well I thought we could have fun at night after I put our daughter to sleep.
We do have a babysitter and someone who cleans the home. The babysitter comes every saturday night where I 
take my wife out for coffee, dessert , to the beach to watch the sunset and to a great restaurant .. That is our date
night. However most weeks when we get home my wife is in bed by 930 to go to sleep as she normally is tired ...
I also get my wife flowers, card for special occasions and schedule massages for her every other month ...I know 
many thing I do are responsibilities - I guess what I am saying is I handle the responsibilities while my wife worrys
about either doing things for herself or resting .. I dont have one of those days during the week even for myself ..
Many times i pick up dinner for the family and bring it home since she normally doesnt cook at night 

Also- my H has said a few times that he's never had the same issues with other women that he does with me. Doesn't mean a thing to me. Other women are not your wife. You do what your wife needs in bed not what has worked for others. We are all different.

Is there a chance that instead of two people working towards a common goal that one may blame the other for issues they might have ?
My wife says she doesnt even want to have sex even with anyone else to me, she said she feels tired all of the time. My wife has never 
even expressed to me what she wants in bed over the last 3-4 years because most of the time she seems tired ...emotionally ..
Again I am here to support my wife needs... I am coachable 100% however if your partner is depressed or drained seems like 
there is no space for that ...??

ETA- Just wanted to also clearly say that doing things for your child or home is not HELPING your wife. It's not doing something special for HER. It's just part of your job as a Dad

ETA; I really get this .. I also get based on what my wife says is that just because I am married to her doesnt mean I am entitled to have sex with her , I also was told that scheduling a time for sex/intimacy is something you cant do. It seems that work and responsibilities have more priority than our relationship. I get what people say - I have been searching for solutions and I have gone to counseling , coaches, and therapists..

Thanks,


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Yes, it seems like everything I do seems wrong. I am not feeling too positive at this point.
of course my wife seems to have issues with almost everything in her life. Perhaps I just 
get the crap of it because we work together so I am lucky to be brought into everything.
The sarcasm and criticism is something I never have done to her. I dont yell at her like 
she does to me and I always treat her with the utmost respect.

Perhaps she is just not happy. I cant imagine that any issues in a relationship are 100% 
of any one persons fault.

I am not feeling to well or motivated by all of the negativity energy and judgements I 
have received from her direction over the last week. I do have a lot to work on ..sure.

I dont know. Everyone can be a judge from the outside looking in .. I find that usually 
I dont get sucked into all of the negativity because I have so much to do all of the time 
with my business - but its getting to me now .. and many people on here like to 
just give their harsh opinion - again... I am saying her perception of me, not my 
perception of me ..again I have hired professionals who charge 300 per hour ....
I never had any of them say its all your fault - they said it sounds like you care 
about solving and making this better - where is she ? Why doesnt she want to work 
on with you since its beneficial for both of you ?


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

HB,
When you can honestly answer the question below, you will have taken a positive step.

Why is it that after 13 coaches, several therapists you have not found a single professional that you clicked with and really wanted to stick with long term? 

Because I'm guessing the same triggers cause you to:
- Fire coaches/therapists 
- Walk away from a live thread 

Because that's the real behavior. It isn't that you have a need to 'create' new threads. The 'need' you have seems to be to 'walk away' from existing threads/professionals you have hired when folks start asking you tough questions. 

This is why a very skilled individual counselor might be able to help you. Assuming of course that you stick with them, even when they are asking you difficult questions. But the focus of IC should be primarily on you. Not on why your wife won't sleep with you. 




happybuddha said:


> Yes, it seems like everything I do seems wrong. I am not feeling too positive at this point.
> of course my wife seems to have issues with almost everything in her life. Perhaps I just
> get the crap of it because we work together so I am lucky to be brought into everything.
> The sarcasm and criticism is something I never have done to her. I dont yell at her like
> ...


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> You can give unconditional love for a while, but eventually it gets too tiring/frustrating if there is no positive feedback. _Then_ if you want to be loved back, you get a dog.


When you can no longer give unconditional love because you are not seeing any change or because you are too tired to continue, then (in my opinion) it is time to seriously consider divorce. For me I determined that I was going to do everything possible to save my marriage and if that didn't work, I would end it.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

How long has she been seeing a personal trainer? Is this trainer a male?


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I am the one taking the steps to get assistance for our marriage. My wife doesnt see the way it is as 
a problem. She is more concerned with her rest.

As far a MEM:


When you can honestly answer the question below, you will have taken a positive step.

Why is it that after 13 coaches, several therapists you have not found a single professional that you clicked with and really wanted to stick with long term? 

1) I went to a marriage counselor and shared my story and her response was I dont think you should see me alone because it sounds
to me like you work on yourself and you want to develop the marriage. It seems as if the writing is on the wall and your wife is the one
that has to participate if any of this is going to work. When I asked my wife to go to an appointment with me because I feel there are 
things to work on - her reply is why am I going to pay someone money, she thinks you can work on stuff on your own.

2) MMSL Author:

Had a few session with him and his suggestion was it sounds as if your doing many things right. I would bet that your wife 
has something wrong with her endocrine system. She needs to see a doctor and get an endocrine panel done. Even if you 
were Brad Pitt she would not be interested based on your explanation of how she is acting/reacting . she must go to the doctor 

3) Intimacy Coach for 4 months weekly: she said it sounds as if your making progress however it comes down to having 
a conversation with your wife and setting boundaries because at this point you need your wife to understand what is needed
for your relationship to work for your needs as well and what you desire . I

4) Sex Therapist : Did a few sessions however over the phone she suggested that she speak with my wife. My wife spoke
with her and she recommended some ideas for us to be closer. She also suggested the doctor, hormone panel because of 
several operations she had along with stress of losing family . My wife shelfed the email along with the ideas basically asking 
why is this person qualified.. She has not gotten any tests since that conversation 3 years ago .

Therapist suggested working with me alone however that is like $300/per hour. To be frank I felt weird about working on 
these things behind my wifes back with another woman. My wife made fun of me in an argument that I am the one who 
is talking to a sex therapist - not her .. she is actually the one who suggested before discussing issues. 

There have been a few others where I had phone conversations and they asked why I cant get my wife on the phone.
My wife has been clear that she doesnt need to see anyone and that she is fine. She may even be going through peri-menopause
based on the fact that she has periods skipping for 2 months and has some pains once in a while. This next week now 
she is seeing doctors, getting physical and obgyn in addition to now taking herbs for her adrenals. So there has been progress 
probably because she has been tired, aggravated, moody now for a few years and she is wondering what is going on 
along with lack of wanting to have any sex at all...

I ask tough questions and answer questions. I run a company so I do go through phases of looking for a solution.
Perhaps the common denominator is most of the people want $300/hour some as much as 5k for a whole day 
intensive. My wife thinks paying people is silly because she feels that all of these doctors and therapists are out 
to rip you off .

I even contacted a somatic therapist because I was considering getting coaching on moves, how to initiate and 
really turn her on. Again most of these are $250 for an hour and I feel kind of in secret since my wife has opinions 
about everything I do - especially when I spend money ...

I am happy to answer ALL your questions in great depth here . Perhaps I keep finding me working on me and 
how I am being has not seemed to help me with her not being on the same page. Another thing I have to get 
past now is all these comments where she has pointed at me and said :

Stop initiating so hard - I feel pressure 
You act weird around sex ...
I dont want to have sex 
Why do people even have sex ?
Seems like all you care about is sex ..

All of these comments now are stuck in my head, thoughts and listening 
so I need to rattle all of these judgements loose. If you knew how many 
times I have been rejected , it can start to get to you ....



Because I'm guessing the same triggers cause you to:
- Fire coaches/therapists 
- Walk away from a live thread 

Because that's the real behavior. It isn't that you have a need to 'create' new threads. The 'need' you have seems to be to 'walk away' from existing threads/professionals you have hired when folks start asking you tough questions. 

This is why a very skilled individual counselor might be able to help you. Assuming of course that you stick with them, even when they are asking you difficult questions. But the focus of IC should be primarily on you. Not on why your wife won't sleep with you.


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

MEM:

What is the weaknesses question? Give me some examples and I would be happy to answer them ..

Thanks AGain


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

HB,
Let's start at the beginning. Why do you keep abandoning your own threads? This is your 20th. And that doesn't count 3-4 others you started and then deleted. 

That's a sincere question. After you answer that in a way I actually understand, I will ask some other questions that may be helpful to you. 




happybuddha said:


> MEM:
> 
> What is the weaknesses question? Give me some examples and I would be happy to answer them ..
> 
> Thanks AGain


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

MEM:

Let's start at the beginning. Why do you keep abandoning your own threads? 
This is your 20th. And that doesn't count 3-4 others you started and then deleted. 

- Honestly I was looking for better input. Perhaps I thought the topic or title that I labeled it 
was not appropriate. I can see that there would be a benefit of keeping all of the conversation 
in one thread and I just did not think about that being valuable. I get busy with my business 
and sometimes I answer these on the fly ( short bursts) while no one is looking.

- In addition for some time like 3-4 months I was getting advice from someone on TAM giving 
me coaching and what they were suggesting did not work so I got frustrated and just stayed 
away from here because I like to know I am listening to someone who I value their opinion 
because they have a happy relationship like I desire. At time I feel as if many people on her 
rant yet - they are not even in a relationship, dont have sex and have aggression towards the 
opposite sex. Many times stupid responses turn me off and I think - is this really going to help
me. I also find that perhaps this is a way for me to vent how I feel and get stuff off my chest.

Does that make sense ???



That's a sincere question. 


After you answer that in a way I actually understand, I will ask some other questions that may be helpful to you.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

HB,
This is vintage HB. What you say is true. It simply isn't complete. Lets begin with the most obvious missing piece. 

Are you going to stick with this thread? Yes or no? Even if it gets painful? 

Because it seems to me that you are looking for a 'magical' answer. A magical answer is one that solves a major problem without any significant changes to your routine or behavior. And in doing so, it solves a major problem without any risk. 

So you keep starting threads and firing therapists because NONE of them are providing you a magical answer. 

HB - there IS no magical answer. 

Do you accept that? Do you accept that you are going to have to change stuff and it may jeopardize your marriage - for it to improve? 





happybuddha said:


> MEM:
> 
> Let's start at the beginning. Why do you keep abandoning your own threads?
> This is your 20th. And that doesn't count 3-4 others you started and then deleted.
> ...


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I promise I will stay on this thread. I also accept there is no magic answer.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

HB,
Remind us - and I'm sorry if this is a fresh example of my weakening memory....

What was your sex like life before things went south? And how long was it good - before it went bad?

What changed around the time this happened?
- child was born
- financial problems
- illness
- menopause
- nothing obvious

And - did anything ELSE change around the time your sex life cratered? Did your wife seem to lose energy? Sleep more? 

The intent here is to understand how long things were good in this department - and then if possible what triggered this change?

How old is your child / children? 


This is why multiple threads are tiresome. I'm sure you answered some of this before but equally sure I'm not looking through 19 other threads to find the answers. 





happybuddha said:


> I promise I will stay on this thread. I also accept there is no magic answer.


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Remind us - and I'm sorry if this is a fresh example of my weakening memory....

What was your sex like life before things went south? And how long was it good - before it went bad?

When we first starting going out we would have sex a few times per week. My wife was much more aggressive and she initiated many of the times. We had oral sex on each other, had sex in bed, sex in the car, I even got oral on me when I was driving. It seemed like we were much closer. There was a time we went camping and walked around naked and even had sex on a table. It seemed like once my wife was pregnant that everything started going south.

When my wife was pregnant she developed a fibroid and that caused her some discomfort . We did not have any sex while she was pregnant at all. During her pregnancy she then had a c-section where that took her lots of time to recover from.

We had sex after our daughter was born but it was not as frequent. My wife’s Mom moved in with us after her Father passed away and she was with us for almost a year before she passed away. It seemed as if the sex went down much more during that time. At the time my wife was trying to get pregnant a second time in which we had sex once a month and then resorted to me running to the clinic for insemination . This is probably due to stress however if we had sex more than 1 time we probably would have had a better chance to get pregnant.

We started doing date night and while I was the only one working at my job, it seemed to go from 1 time every 2-3 weeks to 1 time every week or 1 time every two weeks because I also started working out to feel better and less stress myself.

My wife ended up getting her fibroid removed and also got a breast reduction because of back pain. So between all of these things happening it seemed like much of our sex / intimacy disappeared. This was about 3 years ago . We ended up going to maybe sex one time per month during this time.

I noticed that my wife also was much more tired and seemed kind of depressed. She had much less energy and was tired much of the time this is when I suggested the doctor for her to get a check up as she kept complaining that she was tired. Over the last 2 years I suggested that she get checked especially after she was skipping periods, having pains and not feeling well - tired etc .

About a year ago the sex went to her offering me a sensual massage and going to sleep. So she would give me a massage to make me feel good and then she would go to sleep. I had a discussion with her about 9 months ago where she says she felt pressure from me that I want to have sex with her and she has lost her libido.
She said she has to see someone to find out what is going on. She said it was not me and that I was not doing anything wrong and that she is attracted to me yet she just isn’t in the mood for sex with me or anyone else. She didn’t even see the point of sex.

She also admitted that she has gotten lazy around sex that she used to be more into it and now she just doest feel into it..

On top of all of this 2 years ago we decided to start our own company and that also increased stress and her having to work at home later at night on different things she needed to do. She was definitely more stressed out.. She actually sleeps from 10 pm to 7 am - 9 hours of sleep she works out 5 times per week and she is super healthy with her food as we only eat organic, vegetables and fish..

Just over the last 2 months I went to a naturopath and my wife saw them and they said her adrenals are tapped out and she may have some hormone situations. My wife still has low energy at times, she is irritable to the point where she will even snap at me sometimes at work in front of other people ..

Let me know if you want me to elaborate on any of this ?


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

HB,

Extremely helpful. So - do you have one child or two? Either way, what are the ages of the child/children?

And how old are you and wife? 

By the way, if you want to shift the 'real' ages around a year or two for each person - for anonymity - that is ok. I'm just trying to get an overall picture. 






happybuddha said:


> Remind us - and I'm sorry if this is a fresh example of my weakening memory....
> 
> What was your sex like life before things went south? And how long was it good - before it went bad?
> 
> ...


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

My child is 6 years old..I am 44 and she is 48 .


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

HB,

Are you still working from home, and therefore around each other almost all the time?






happybuddha said:


> My child is 6 years old..I am 44 and she is 48 .


----------



## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

badsanta said:


> Instead of using exercise as an escape, refocus it on trying to find anything possible to get her to be more active and exercise WITH YOU!
> 
> Don't argue about having sex together, argue instead about wanting her to exercise with you. This should demonstrate that you argue with her because you CARE about her, the exercise should help her relieve stress, the two of you can hopefully bond while exercising, and the combination of these should work in your favor to make her more receptive towards intimacy.
> 
> ...


Those guys know what they're doing.


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Yes. We work from home . Yes all of the time.


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

JoeHenderson said:


> Those guys know what they're doing.


She exercises with her trainer and I exercise with mine. We both exercise about 5-6 times per week ..Cardio, Weights and Yoga.
and we have a child ...


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

HB,
For the first time in all of our interactions, I get the sense that you are calm and focused. That you are going to hang in there and stay on track. That's a beautiful thing. 

So - let's keep this clear and concise. 

There are two primary drivers of sexual behavior:
1. physiology
2. psychology

Post baby your wife likely lost some of both. And from what you describe now, she may have lost almost all her physiological (hormone) drivers. 

So that leaves psychology. The desire to feel emotionally connected. But she doesn't have that need since you two are together almost all the time. 

That leaves her with absolutely no motive to have sex. 





happybuddha said:


> Yes. We work from home . Yes all of the time.


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

And she is 48, the slide towards even worse may be underway.


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

MEM11363 said:


> HB,
> For the first time in all of our interactions, I get the sense that you are calm and focused. That you are going to hang in there and stay on track. That's a beautiful thing.
> 
> So - let's keep this clear and concise.
> ...


So what steps do you recommend ?
Create distance between me and her ?
Its enough to drive you nuts when you have a rambunctious libido and working our every day ..its can get to you 

What do you suggest ??


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

HB,
You have three moves available. They are however not mutually exclusive. The first is to try to get your wife to see a doctor ideally an endocrinologist. 

The second is to create space. Beginning with - the normal amount of space that working folks have. Meaning that you are apart at least 9 hours a day, Monday thru Friday.

The third is IC, which you need. And if you look hard you can definitely find competent therapists for $150/hour. Your wife doesn't get to veto that spend. 

If you elect not to execute any of those steps, you will remain where you are. 





happybuddha said:


> So what steps do you recommend ?
> Create distance between me and her ?
> Its enough to drive you nuts when you have a rambunctious libido and working our every day ..its can get to you
> 
> What do you suggest ??


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

MeM..

I find myself over the last few days now being aggravated when we are watching a show and people are having sex...especially with my wife sitting next to me...last night we were watching tv..and during the show the main characters having sex...then another character ..we saw this happen three times...it got me mad for some reason...perhaps I was like oh..good for them..lol

Normally she goes to sleep at 930 pm..the last few nights she's gotten into some shows on TV..where last night for 3 hours she watched this series ..and wasn't done until midnight.

That made me think..hmm she can stay up to watch tv...

She had doctors appointment today and one next week and she's working on this adrenal thing....as far as the counselor she's avoided my request around it but suggested that I see someone ...

I almost feel as if she has a situation going on inside..of her with control or perhaps even trying to prove a point..when your wife says just because we are married doesn't entitle you to sex...and I bet if you had sex with me 2 times per week we wouldn't have any issues ...it seems like some game almost...

I could see if a husband was not treating their wife right..or being mean..or perhaps not caring their wife or doing something to make them mad.....however that's not the case at all...

When you have sex with your partner one time in 8 months ...who isn't doing anything crazy doesn't that raise a flag ?


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

happybuddha said:


> when your wife says just because we are married doesn't entitle you to sex...


Well, if you're divorced, you're entitled to look for sex elsewhere if you want.

I think you're shopping for a nonexistent solution to an insoluble problem that will exist as long as you stay in this marriage. It's long past time to move on, IMO, but from what I've seen, you won't.


----------



## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

happybuddha said:


> MeM..
> 
> I find myself over the last few days now being aggravated when we are watching a show and people are having sex...especially with my wife sitting next to me...last night we were watching tv..and during the show the main characters having sex...then another character ..we saw this happen three times...it got me mad for some reason...perhaps I was like oh..good for them..lol
> 
> ...


God bless you mem for trying, but as you can see hb is not addressing the need for space which his wife may need to be somewhat receptive to sex...

Happy Buddah, please take a look at mem's post then respond...


----------



## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> HB,
> You have three moves available. They are however not mutually *exclusive. The first is to try to get your wife to see a doctor ideally an endocrinologist.
> 
> The second is to create space. Beginning with - the normal amount of space that working folks have. Meaning that you are apart at least 9 hours a day, Monday thru Friday.
> ...


*

*


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Techmom,
The sad thing, is the repetitive loss of self awareness. 

HB,
I don't think you understand how much this pattern - hurts you. 

I'll try and describe it, and perhaps you can help me get it right. Think of this as a 'rough draft' explanation. 

In your default state, your normal state, what you want is one of two things from the - group mind:
- The magic answer 
Or
- Unconditional sympathy

And the reason I believe that, is because when faced with practical options, your response is very consistent. You revert to an explicit discussion of how painful your situation is. 

I want you to accept that everyone who reads your story feels bad for you. Everyone gets how - awful - this type rejection is. 

And I believe you are describing your situation very honestly. I believe you for two reasons:
- your tone is sincere and has been from the start
- your facts, line up very well 

You are very attractive - physically. 
Your wife doesn't like kissing you. 

In your prior sexual relationships - the fast sloppy kissing/fast approach to sex didn't matter. Because in the early stages of a sexual relationship with someone who is very attractive, their raw physicality does most of the work. Most of your sexual experiences were with women who were feeling strong spontaneous desire for you. 

I'm fairly certain you never had to learn how to make the transition to responsive desire. So you don't know how to have sex with a woman - who's desire is responsive. The slow step forward followed by the half step back. This is not an intense clench driven by raw animal attraction. It's a slower, more subtle dance guided by patience and the belief that the LD partner sets the pace. 









techmom said:


> God bless you mem for trying, but as you can see hb is not addressing the need for space which his wife may need to be somewhat receptive to sex...
> 
> Happy Buddah, please take a look at mem's post then respond...


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

QUOTE:
Comment : 
You have three moves available. They are however not mutually exclusive. 
The first is to try to get your wife to see a doctor ideally an endocrinologist. 

Buddha Response:

She has just seen a doctor who has her taking herbs as of a few weeks ago for ADRENAL, Hormones and etc. One of the herbs is horny goat weed and she has just started that with this doctor. a day ago she her yearly check up in which the last year she had her check up was 3 years ago and she has appointment with gynecologist next week as well to get checked. So it seems like she is taking steps…

Comment:

The second is to create space. Beginning with - the normal amount of space that working folks have. Meaning that you are apart at least 9 hours a day, Monday thru Friday.

Buddha Response: 

So I think what I am going to do is work at a remote location so I am not around all day with her in our home office. We have some scheduled meetings however I do agree that space would be helpful. I used to take classes a few nights a week before and I think I am going to get back to doing that for my own growth - and also space from my wife. Lately she gets in a habit every night of turning on the TV and just watching it until she is exhausted. Some nights I go for a 4 mile run for an hour for cardio or exercise class.. I do agree that I am too available all of the time and too accessible for the reason that I feel a bit taken for granted and also I get the responsive desire but that is something I can work more on …

Comment:
The third is IC, which you need. And if you look hard you can definitely find competent therapists for $150/hour. Your wife doesn't get to veto that spend.

Buddha Response:
I suggested an IC, MC and she against going. I have set an appointment this next week as I am going to start working on issues with someone who I can share what is happening for suggestions for me and perhaps as I start going if I ask her to come based on me working on me perhaps she would be more open way to getting her there.. 

Comment:
If you elect not to execute any of those steps, you will remain where you are.


Comment from Techmom,
The sad thing, is the repetitive loss of self awareness. 

Buddha Response:

Repetitive Loss of Self Awareness ? So are you saying I am not self aware ?



Comment:
HB,
I don't think you understand how much this pattern - hurts you. 
I'll try and describe it, and perhaps you can help me get it right. Think of this as a 'rough draft' explanation. 
In your default state, your normal state, what you want is one of two things from the - group mind:
- The magic answer 
Or
- Unconditional sympathy
And the reason I believe that, is because when faced with practical options, your response is very consistent. You revert to an explicit discussion of how painful your situation is. 

BUDDHA Response:
I started thinking about this today and perhaps my focus is too much on what is and the issues of what I am going through instead of what I want to create for my future. If I focus on what is from a vibrational sense then I will keep attracting that for myself. I really need to shift to where I am going and just work on the things that I believe in to create a new situation. I need to get to a place where it excites me based on the ideal situation and feelings that I want instead of focusing on my issues/ what is.. because then I will keep getting that ..

When it really comes to down to it perhaps its the being horny/sex that I desire that is hurting so much after a period of time… I think I need to work on my sexual energy, mystery, educating myself on what will make me feel incredible and satisfied instead of sharing pain and lack of sex..open myself up and feel good - do things that make me feel great and try and transfer all of the energy into productivity. Part of the issue I have to learn is that when I do get sex, to not make a it a huge deal and also really explore it to my fullest based on my excitement ..perhaps I need to slow down and feel the energy instead of getting so worked up..


Comment:
I want you to accept that everyone who reads your story feels bad for you. Everyone gets how - awful - this type rejection is. 

And I believe you are describing your situation very honestly. I believe you for two reasons:
- your tone is sincere and has been from the start
- your facts, line up very well 

You are very attractive - physically. 
Your wife doesn't like kissing you.



Buddha Response:
I think at this point everything annoys my wife because of her emotional state and perhaps low energy. Listen I go shopping and a piece is fruit is too big, or the picks at why did I buy something - even thought I did all of the shopping. Why wife does get sucked into negative options and judgements however it could be because of her emotions. Perhaps I do need to work on kissing her.. Even during sex she gets kind of annoyed if it takes too long.. I will go down on her please her orally, have sex and really pull her into me, she has an orgasm and sometime if I last longer and want to do a different position for me to feel good as well she gets a bit annoyed that I am doing another position or that I did not feel good yet .. This could be a total of 10 minutes…then when we are done having sex ..she wants to lay there and be left alone many times.. I am just sharing that perhaps there are some issues she needs to work on as well … Most of the time as soon as we have sex..she immediately goes to the bathroom afterwards and goes to sleep.. its kind of weird behavior perhaps its just my perception. So can I work on more things - YES…

All I am saying that noises irritate my wife, the radio being on in the car, my daughter asking too many questions , how I stack my dishes in the sink after I was hers and mine.. She’s very very picky is all I am saying ..LOL


Comment:
In your prior sexual relationships - the fast sloppy kissing/fast approach to sex didn't matter. Because in the early stages of a sexual relationship with someone who is very attractive, their raw physicality does most of the work. Most of your sexual experiences were with women who were feeling strong spontaneous desire for you. 

RESPONSE; Perhaps this is correct . However I have been long term relationship for 4-5 years and we kissed slow, we had sex in many positions such as doggy, her on top, during periods, oral sex all of it, however perhaps the reason I felt confident is I never had any crazy reactions or judgements that I was weird, it was if they really wanted to be with me and have sex.. not that my sexual advances where pressure and I didn’t pressure them at all ..

However perhaps a large part of this has to do with responsive desire, my wife being around me too much, me always saying yes to her questions, always doing stuff for her and always being available for her to either pick something up or even listen. I listen to all my wifes issues and always am there to lend an ear and hear her out about what she is going through sometimes for hours on end when has issues..at night many time at 9 pm she may talk to me until 11 pm , then she goes to bed or she has conversations in bed with me for a few hours and I listen to everything she says…

Comment: 

I'm fairly certain you never had to learn how to make the transition to responsive desire. So you don't know how to have sex with a woman - who's desire is responsive. The slow step forward followed by the half step back. This is not an intense clench driven by raw animal attraction. It's a slower, more subtle dance guided by patience and the belief that the LD partner sets the pace. 

BUDDHA RESPONSE:

Your are more than likely correct. I need to look at responsive desire. A big issues that is mind screwing me is thinking about all of the judgements in my head, how I want sex all of the time, or that I make sex a big deal, or my wife is tired or she isn’t happy with how I do things. When you hear all of these internal voices and opinions speaking with you - then how do you come fro being in the moment when you think about these things, perhaps I need to meditate and clear my mind and create some affirmations ??


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

HB,

Perhaps it is a lack of self control more than a lack of self awareness. 

1. It's great your wife is seeing a doctor. And it sounds like she is hyper critical and irritable of you. 

Your assignment is this: I want you to pay attention to how your wife responds to other people including your child. Is she as irritable and critical with them? Or does she generally treat others better than you? 

Here's why that matters. If she generally responds well to other folks, she may not have a hormone/medical issue. It may just be that constant togetherness is too much for the two of you. Some amount of space is important. 

If however she is generally irritable and critical of others, observe how that improves or not if she starts getting treatments. If she gets medical treatment and it has a positive impact on how she treats others - reinforce the positive theme by simply saying she seems happier. And be glad for HER that she is happier. Do not make it about you. 

HB,
Don't ask her to join your IC. DO NOT ASK HER TO COME. She has already vetoed MC, and I am fairly confident that one of your issues with your wife is that you are excessively repetitive. 

I'm trying to help you. So take this in the spirit it is intended. You have a habit of repeating yourself a lot when you don't like the answer you get. While being persistent can be helpful in sales, it is often toxic in a marriage. Your spouse concludes that you either don't listen or don't give a damn what THEY want. 

And hard as it is, be patient. You can't work out of a remote office for one week and expect it to produce a big result. 

And HB - this next bit - well your marriage will live or die based on your execution of it. 

Don't 'pretend' to create space. What I mean is, if you work from a remote location and:
- frequently have lunch with your wife
- use the business as an excuse to call and text her frequently

THAT ISN'T CREATING SPACE. THAT IS JUST CROWDING HER REMOTELY. 

Don't call end of the day and ask what time she wants dinner. Let her know about what time you will be home each day - the night before. And then stick to the schedule. 

If you absolutely must communicate with her during the day, keep it to a minimum, keep it to the business and keep it friendly but professional. Pretend you are working with a married colleague. Married to someone else. 

Be organized so you aren't having to text her frequently. 

I'm saying all this because you have avoided creating space for over a year now. You very much dislike the idea of doing this. 

I think it's perfectly normal for H2 to ask WHY you are doing this. 

Rule number 1: Lying is bad. Managing transparency is sometimes healthy. 

Don't lie. Just answer carefully. 

When she asks WHY the new routine tell her what's true: Being together almost 24 hours a day isn't good for us. 

If she asks directly: Is this about sex
Just laugh and say: It's about everything. And yes, sex is part of everything. It's also about your irritability and you being hyper critical of me. 

If she gets in your face about that response, just smile and say: Babe, you kind of just proved my point. Trust me, this will be good for us. 

Now there are folks here who believe in 'dread game'. I don't. So if your W asks whether you are seeing anyone else, just say what's true which is: you aren't and you don't WANT to SEE anyone else. 

And that's it. Not long explanations. No lengthy discussion. Just a calm - not doing it - no desire to. 

But I want you to be fair to yourself here as well. If she is using this trust issue to try to manipulate you, don't let that happen. 

So if she really, really pushes this, put the ball back where it belongs in her court. Do that by asking a simple question: It seems you don't trust me, why is that? 




happybuddha said:


> QUOTE:
> Comment :
> You have three moves available. They are however not mutually exclusive.
> The first is to try to get your wife to see a doctor ideally an endocrinologist.
> ...


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

MEM11363 said:


> HB,
> 
> Perhaps it is a lack of self control more than a lack of self awareness.
> 
> ...


HB,

Perhaps it is a lack of self control more than a lack of self awareness. 
1. It's great your wife is seeing a doctor. And it sounds like she is hyper critical and irritable of you. 
Your assignment is this: I want you to pay attention to how your wife responds to other people including your child. Is she as irritable and critical with them? Or does she generally treat others better than you? 

Buddha Response :

My wife is irritable towards our daughter, workers, people she deals with and sometimes even customers.
She always feels like if she doesnt watch people they will short her or not do the work. She shares negative
opions even around coworkers as well and others...She is very opinionated about people ..In fact if someone 
doesnt seem perfect or qualified they turn off my wife immediately and she wants nothing to do with them...



Here's why that matters. If she generally responds well to other folks, she may not have a hormone/medical issue. It may just be that constant togetherness is too much for the two of you. Some amount of space is important. 

If however she is generally irritable and critical of others, observe how that improves or not if she starts getting treatments. If she gets medical treatment and it has a positive impact on how she treats others - reinforce the positive theme by simply saying she seems happier. And be glad for HER that she is happier. Do not make it about you. 

BUDDHA RESPONSE:
I will have to watch this. lately she seems to be tired when she wants but if something cattches her interest like TV or work she 
has no issues with being tired ..LOL

HB,
Don't ask her to join your IC. DO NOT ASK HER TO COME. She has already vetoed MC, and I am fairly confident that one of your issues with your wife is that you are excessively repetitive. 

BUDDHA RESPONSE:

Ok . Roger that ...

I'm trying to help you. So take this in the spirit it is intended. You have a habit of repeating yourself a lot when you don't like the answer you get. While being persistent can be helpful in sales, it is often toxic in a marriage. Your spouse concludes that you either don't listen or don't give a damn what THEY want. And hard as it is, be patient. You can't work out of a remote office for one week and expect it to produce a big result. 

And HB - this next bit - well your marriage will live or die based on your execution of it. 

Don't 'pretend' to create space. What I mean is, if you work from a remote location and:
- frequently have lunch with your wife
- use the business as an excuse to call and text her frequently

BUDDHA RESPONSE:

Whats weird is we work together and she always wants to hear what I think. Many times every 5-10 minutes she will 
ask me questions, she seems to want me to be on standby for her constantly and seems to want to involve me in all 
that is going on, however I am the communicator with our customers as she would rather tell me what to say and 
just not have to talk to any of the clients...she seems to want me in on all issues because I am much more dilpomatic 
where she can get people upset / or many of the people she may rub the wrong way ...

THAT ISN'T CREATING SPACE. THAT IS JUST CROWDING HER REMOTELY. 

Don't call end of the day and ask what time she wants dinner. Let her know about what time you will be home each day - the night before. And then stick to the schedule. If you absolutely must communicate with her during the day, keep it to a minimum, keep it to the business and keep it friendly but professional. Pretend you are working with a married colleague. Married to someone else. 

Be organized so you aren't having to text her frequently. 


BUDDHA RESPONSE: she is the one who texts me about stuff constantly , not me to her ..


I'm saying all this because you have avoided creating space for over a year now. You very much dislike the idea of doing this. 

I think it's perfectly normal for H2 to ask WHY you are doing this. 

Rule number 1: Lying is bad. Managing transparency is sometimes healthy. 

Don't lie. Just answer carefully. 

When she asks WHY the new routine tell her what's true: Being together almost 24 hours a day isn't good for us. 

If she asks directly: Is this about sex
Just laugh and say: It's about everything. And yes, sex is part of everything. It's also about your irritability and you being hyper critical of me. 

If she gets in your face about that response, just smile and say: Babe, you kind of just proved my point. Trust me, this will be good for us. 

Now there are folks here who believe in 'dread game'. I don't. So if your W asks whether you are seeing anyone else, just say what's true which is: you aren't and you don't WANT to SEE anyone else. 

And that's it. Not long explanations. No lengthy discussion. Just a calm - not doing it - no desire to. 

But I want you to be fair to yourself here as well. If she is using this trust issue to try to manipulate you, don't let that happen. 

So if she really, really pushes this, put the ball back where it belongs in her court. Do that by asking a simple question: It seems you don't trust me, why is that? 

BUDDHA RESPONSE:

She does not have any trust issues with me at all, she knows I am loyal and trustworthy .
She doesnt not ever suspect anything is going on .. at all ...


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

happybuddha said:


> My wife is irritable towards our daughter, workers, people she deals with and sometimes even customers.
> She always feels like if she doesnt watch people they will short her or not do the work. She shares negative
> opions even around coworkers as well and others...She is very opinionated about people ..In fact if someone
> doesnt seem perfect or qualified they turn off my wife immediately and she wants nothing to do with them...


HB, has she always been like this, or has this part of her personality developed over the years?


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

No, its gotten worse over the last few years. She seems to be very irritable and gets sucked into world situations 
now more than ever. She feels strongly against drugs doctors give, she feels strong against power in countries which 
is fine. She just gets into these negative feeling tangents. I really think it has to do with her energy being low these
days. Last night she said my back hurts and I am so tired at 8 pm, and she then watched a show for 3 hours after that.
She definitely is passionate about people getting taken advantage of by government and women who get taken 
advantage of by powerful men... its kind of weird because lately she watches more shows about crime and rape 
then before I guess because she is intrigued by what is happening and what people are capable of, however some 
of these shows can mess with your emotions and energy as they dont seem envigorating for me to watch crime 
shows... they actually can drain your energy ...

So she has been more negative lately ..yesterday she pointed out that communication is adding your opinion to 
what she is saying vs just being a visitor like person just observing that part of communication is contributing and
adding your two cents vs. not saying anything .. She said this like she was irritated at me, she was also irritated 
at my daughter yesterday fro singing a song who's only 6... she seems to want everything perfect ... and at times
she will yell stop it at the top of her lungs and be shaking in a weird like manner like this anger comes out of no
where if she gets really irritated .. its very strange.

It goes back and forth , but when she is LOW energy and tired its worse. Most of the other times she positive 
but she is definitely always criticizing and giving her opinion. A friend suggested to her that we go see a counselor 
for a few years now, and her response is always that she just wants to worry about herself and let me carry my 
own weight..

When she gets mad and aggravated a common saying is : you just worry about yourself and I will worry about me.

Lately when she does something for herself like a fitness class or workout she just then needs me to handle 
everything else at home even after she gets back its like she needs to just be responsible for her own food 
and what she is doing....its like after taking the time to herself she wants to avoid dealing with anything else...
I think her energy being low has reduced what she can deal with at once .. 

That was not always how it was though. I think after her parents died and all that she seems kind of depressed
at times...


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Stop answering all her questions immediately when she asks them. That is part of you being too subservient and undercutting your value. Next time she asks your opinion, tell her "that is an excellent question. I am sure you will come up with a great answer." Make it clear you are not available to her whenever she makes a request. After all, it is not like she makes herself available whenever YOU make a request.

I am a complete disaster where it comes to the sexual side of my marriage. But I have noticed that when I make our relationship reciprocal - when I treat her the same way she treats me - she treats me better outside of sex. She is more affectionate. She expresses how much she loves me. She becomes less of a Taker when I am more of a Taker. This mechanism only works when you start out being much more of a Giver than your spouse, which sounds like the case for HB and HB2.


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Yes you have a point. I guess there must be some kind of pattern interrupt before things shift.
A friend of mine referred to this as when you want to cut a cats nails they scratch and claw you 
even though what your doing is best for them..

The biggest challenge is to get sex out of my mind since I am not having any..


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

This is really hard to make progress with her .. I feel like a failure at this point 
perhaps I should use the 180 suggested by MEM


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

So I was suggested that I start the 180 . Has anyone used this on wife ( no affair ) just lack of interest on her part.
How does the 180 impact - sleeping in the same bed and talking about work ? Any husbands out there want to suggest 
how to subside these feelings of being ignored by wife ? How do you deal with it after month and months of time ? 
Lately I have started to get down on myself where I have felt like I am a joke and I am getting down on myself. Lately 
I have fallen into a bit of a slump around me not being good enough and starting to get judgemental now towards 
myself .. I guess perhaps the rejection and lack of interest my wife has in me is starting to get to me ..wear on me ..

This is painful to me at the time, because it makes everything so important and its really a challenge to not take 
it personally ... it seems like everything she does or says seems kind of amplified on my nervous system... Its kind 
of wearing when your used to being so results orientated in business and life that you get stuck.

Toppers our anniversary is in a week. It just makes you think about the good times.

Lately I have been reading lots of law of attraction books and trying to use my imagination to go to a positive juicy place
where my vibration and energy was high .. I have to focus on where I am going energetically vs. where I am. If I keep 
focusing on what is now, its draining...


----------

