# Dating app profiles, when you delete?



## Kerrbear (Apr 1, 2019)

Hi guys, if you’ve been dating someone for a few months and we’ve had the discussion about being exclusive. Is it still appropriate to have a dating app profile? Bf is saying because his is hidden and he is not actively on the app it’s ok. I don’t feel like it is. I asked him to delete it and he refused.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It’s 100% not ok. If he is refusing to delete it, I wouldn’t be in a relationship with him. That’s a huge red flag.


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## Kerrbear (Apr 1, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> It’s 100% not ok. If he is refusing to delete it, I wouldn’t be in a relationship with him. That’s a huge red flag.


I think so too. He’s trying to make it seem like I’m overreacting. When I asked why he wouldn’t delete it, he said if things don’t work out between us he doesn’t want to go through the effort of making a new profile.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

What a lazy ... I would say, “No problem. I’m gonna rebuild mine too and hide it...just in case.” What an ass.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Kerr, here is the deal. You don't feel that it is ok. What that means is that you are not OK with the existence of the profile. 
You are here trying to build up team Kerr, by recruiting people who agree with your viewpoint.
BF is OK with keeping the hidden, unavailable profile. His reason may be that he isn't secure in your only months old barely exclusive relationship.
Some questions that go along with your question:
What are you doing to make your BF more secure?
Does your BF care how many like minded people you recruit to team Kerr?
If you do get him to delete his dating profile, How long would it take for him to recreate it after you dump him?
I propose that you will spend more time building up team Kerr than it would take him to replace the profile, and that you should be building up team relationship instead.


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## Kerrbear (Apr 1, 2019)

Spicy said:


> What a lazy ... I would say, “No problem. I’m gonna rebuild mine too and hide it...just in case.” What an ass.


Yeah I seem to be picking winners lately 😐
I actually said that and he didn’t mind because he knows I’m faithful.
Other than this he seems to be a good guy and is very affectionate and spends lots of time with me.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> Kerr, here is the deal. You don't feel that it is ok. What that means is that you are not OK with the existence of the profile.
> You are here trying to build up team Kerr, by recruiting people who agree with your viewpoint.
> BF is OK with keeping the hidden, unavailable profile. His reason may be that he isn't secure in your only months old barely exclusive relationship.
> Some questions that go along with your question:
> ...


Security!?!? I disagree with this. I am thinking he keeps looking until he finds something better then her then he can upgrade. She needs to feel secure in the relationship, and if he is looking at all the other single girls out there comparing them to her.... how can she be ok with that?


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## Kerrbear (Apr 1, 2019)

Mr. Nail said:


> Kerr, here is the deal. You don't feel that it is ok. What that means is that you are not OK with the existence of the profile.
> You are here trying to build up team Kerr, by recruiting people who agree with your viewpoint.
> BF is OK with keeping the hidden, unavailable profile. His reason may be that he isn't secure in your only months old barely exclusive relationship.
> Some questions that go along with your question:
> ...


Not sure what you mean by this I am investing in the relationship. That’s why his refusal to delete it hurt. I just wanted to know what’s normal these days bc I’m pretty new to the whole dating scene.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Girl_power said:


> Security!?!? I disagree with this. I am thinking he keeps looking until he finds something better then her then he can upgrade.





Kerrbear said:


> Bf is saying because his is hidden and he is not actively on the app it’s ok.


is he looking , or just ready to look? BTW men need security as well.


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## Kerrbear (Apr 1, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> Security!?!? I disagree with this. I am thinking he keeps looking until he finds something better then her then he can upgrade. She needs to feel secure in the relationship, and if he is looking at all the other single girls out there comparing them to her.... how can she be ok with that?


That’s exactly what it is I don’t feel secure after finding out about the profile.


Mr. Nail said:


> is he looking , or just ready to look? BTW men need security as well.


I’m not on the app anymore but he said he isn’t looking.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Kerrbear said:


> Not sure what you mean by this I am investing in the relationship. That’s why his refusal to delete it hurt. I just wanted to know what’s normal these days bc I’m pretty new to the whole dating scene.


I'm willing to try again Kerr.
Yes you had a disagreement and you did not clearly win. You feel hurt.
You found out that instead of deleting his dating profile he saved it closed, you feel hurt.
Now here is the thing you have this image in your mind of what a relationship looks like.
a) you meet. checked off
b) you date for a few months. checked off
c) you have the discussion about being exclusive. checked off.
d) he deletes his dating profile. SNAG
Snag is what happens when your image, timeline , investment strategy, varies from his image, timeline, investment strategy. 
So snag happened. and you argued about it. and you are still arguing about it. BUT
Now you are going to get reinforcements to help you win this argument and get your timeline back on track. This is not a good move.
Why? because he doesn't care what Girl Pow and Spicy say. He doesn't care what MN thinks. He has his own timeline.
Now the resolution of this is something you will have to work out between Kerr and BF. Your chances of winning go up when you pay attention to BF. They go down when you pay attention to others.
So What I am trying to say is no matter what you do to try to get past Snag, please do not go tell him that 2 out of 3 random people on the internet say he should delete his profile.
The other thing I am trying to say is it doesn't matter. You will spend a week getting him to delete it and close his account. you will happily think that you are secure. But one idle half hour later he could be online and active. Security doesn't come from being really bossy. 
Security comes from investing in the relationship (and not by ticking off boxes on your checklist.) Here are some things that build relationships.
Make and keep promises.
Share quality time together.
Listen with understanding to what he is telling you.
AND Be aware that no matter how many things you do right, things might not work out.


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## Kerrbear (Apr 1, 2019)

Mr. Nail said:


> is he looking , or just ready to look? BTW men need security as well.





Mr. Nail said:


> I'm willing to try again Kerr.
> Yes you had a disagreement and you did not clearly win. You feel hurt.
> You found out that instead of deleting his dating profile he saved it closed, you feel hurt.
> Now here is the thing you have this image in your mind of what a relationship looks like.
> ...


i know you mean well but your tone really prevents people from listening.


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

Here is what refusing to delete his profile says to me:
He is not yet as invested in the relationship as you are...
This might be ok, since it's only been a few months.
The thing is--there is no right or wrong--only what works for him and what works for you.
You have to decide if it's ok with you...if not, you have to move on, and if it is...you have to let it go...possibly forever.
It's been my experience that men put a lot more time and effort into a dating profile than women do, and it's obvious that if things don't work out between the two of you, he'll want to get right back out there 



Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## Kerrbear (Apr 1, 2019)

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm willing to try again Kerr.
> Yes you had a disagreement and you did not clearly win. You feel hurt.
> You found out that instead of deleting his dating profile he saved it closed, you feel hurt.
> Now here is the thing you have this image in your mind of what a relationship looks like.
> ...


And this has nothing to do with a timeline. He’s the one that approached me w the exclusive talk. His actions don’t line up with his words. I’m in no mood to play games with him nor argue my motives for asking advice on here from some random stranger.


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## Kerrbear (Apr 1, 2019)

nypsychnurse said:


> Here is what refusing to delete his profile says to me:
> He is not yet as invested in the relationship as you are...
> This might be ok, since it's only been a few months.
> The thing is--there is no right or wrong--only what works for him and what works for you.
> ...


That’s exactly his reason, he put a lot of effort into that profile apparently. Funny thing is I wasn’t invested at all until he pushed hard to win me over and put the exclusive label on us. And now he tells me he’s holding on to his profile. It doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make me trust him.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Oh well, you do your best to understand and sometimes you miss. That is the nature of this type of communication. Thanks for taking the time to answer me.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hi Kerrbear,

I know you say its been a few months, but how long have you two been dating? I've been at odds with my bf also, on where we were headed, b/c for several months , I thought we had inequal investment. I wasn't interested in locking anyone down, I simply wanted to know if he was worth becoming more emotionally invested in, is that your feeling here? 

I find it hilarious that the posters supporting your bf are advocating for him to keep his profile, as if he'd be the same person with the same desires should your relationship end and he was back on the market. My assessment is both your actions show fear, yours may be fear that he's waiting for something better to come along or that you'll be hurt if he changes his mind and you really like him. His- that he's not good enough for you, so he's waiting for the boot and is ready to rebound. 

Supposedly we learn and grow from every interaction and relationship, his unwillingness to delete his profile for "convenience " (and anyone who shares this mindset- woman do this too!) show laziness, lack of introspection and desire to grow. I agree with Mr. Nail that soliciting random thoughts on the internet is not going to help you advocate your case, despite his delivery. All you can do is have an open, honest conversation about why he feels the need to keep one foot in the pool when he's with you, tell him how it makes you feel and what you think and depending on his response and attitude, decide if he is worth your emotional investment.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Ok here’s the thing. You have every right to say you don’t want him to have a dating profile. And he has every right to say he’s going to keep it.

What matters is what you both do with your choices. You have every right to say you don’t want to be with someone who’s keeping a “just in case” dating profile. You need to figure out if it’s a deal breaker for you. _I_ wouldn’t be comfortable with it, but I’m not dating the guy.

Hes drawn his line in the sand that he’s keeping it. You can accept it. Or you don’t. That’s all it really comes down to.

But be aware, if you accept things now that you don’t want to - you’re setting the tone for the entire relationship.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Kerrbear said:


> His actions don’t line up with his words.


I think that's the fly in the proverbial ointment. That's one thing I won't tolerate from anyone. Like you, I don't care to waste my time being thrown off balance by someone like this. Ultimately, only you can decide if you wish to proceed with the relationship. I can only give you my opinion, and if it was me, I'd be bidding him adieu. JMO.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Kerrbear said:


> ... he put a lot of effort into that profile apparently.


Just want to add one more thing based on ^^this.^^ It sounds to me like he has more invested in his damn profile than he does in accommodating your request. Something to think about ...


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

I dated a guy last summer who I met online. After almost 3 months I knew we wouldn’t make it but I was procrastinating on breaking up because he was so sweet to me.

When I found out he still had his dating profile I broke it off on the spot. He tried passing it off with the same logic, it’s hidden so no big deal. He also pursued me hard in the beginning and pushed for us to be exclusive.

Sorry, this is my life and I make my own decisions on that topic, see ya. Wouldn’t have trusted him again after that point so no use in hanging around.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

He says he put a lot of effort into that profile and for what purpose? To meet someone!! He’s met someone!

He is full of ********. We all put a lot of effort into our profiles, at least those of us who are serious about meeting someone. To say men do more so than women is just not true. And then when you meet someone and you feel there is serious potential you prove your interest by deleting the profile! Doing so sends a very clear message!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Seems appropriate to delete a dating profile when you are committing to no longer looking for someone to date. Not really that hard. If he isn't willing to do that then he is really not committing. He is hedging his bets.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Not said:


> I dated a guy last summer who I met online. After almost 3 months I knew we wouldn’t make it but I was procrastinating on breaking up because he was so sweet to me.
> 
> When I found out he still had his dating profile I broke it off on the spot. He tried passing it off with the same logic, it’s hidden so no big deal. He also pursued me hard in the beginning and pushed for us to be exclusive.
> 
> Sorry, this is my life and I make my own decisions on that topic, see ya. Wouldn’t have trusted him again after that point so no use in hanging around.


Um wait, so you basically you knew you wouldn't commit to him in the long run because he wasn't your type but stayed because you liked the attention, but you got offended and broke it off because he hadn't commit to you in the long run? 

O-Kay.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Kerrbear said:


> Hi guys, if you’ve been dating someone for a few months and we’ve had the discussion about being exclusive. Is it still appropriate to have a dating app profile? Bf is saying because his is hidden and he is not actively on the app it’s ok. I don’t feel like it is. I asked him to delete it and he refused.


Dating - sure, you guys haven't committed yet.
Bf/Gf - nope, that's a breach of the arrangement.

Stand by your standards regardless, if he isn't willing to sacrifice a dating profile of all things I doubt he's willing to sacrifice anything else which is important for your relationship.

So bye bye.


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## Kerrbear (Apr 1, 2019)

LosingHim said:


> But be aware, if you accept things now that you don’t want to - you’re setting the tone for the entire relationship.


This is the kicker. Even if I accept this and move past it I’m giving a piece of my self respect away.


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## Kerrbear (Apr 1, 2019)

I’ve decided to break it off with him. At my age I don’t want drama and games, I want someone that means what they say and does what they mean. He seems to be talking out of both sides of his mouth in regards to commitment and I’m not going to live like that.
Thanks everyone for listening and taking the time to reply.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Um wait, so you basically you knew you wouldn't commit to him in the long run because he wasn't your type but stayed because you liked the attention, but you got offended and broke it off because he hadn't commit to you in the long run?
> 
> O-Kay.


Not at all. I knew for about a week that he wasn’t going to be the one for me but was dreading the breaking up part. Hurting someone is never fun. The dating profile was just the cherry on top, another reason we weren’t compatible and wiped out any chance I may have given him to “talk through things”.


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## Puppey26 (Nov 3, 2020)

Not said:


> I dated a guy last summer who I met online. After almost 3 months I knew we wouldn’t make it but I was procrastinating on breaking up because he was so sweet to me.
> 
> When I found out he still had his dating profile I broke it off on the spot. He tried passing it off with the same logic, it’s hidden so no big deal. He also pursued me hard in the beginning and pushed for us to be exclusive.
> 
> Sorry, this is my life and I make my own decisions on that topic, see ya. Wouldn’t have trusted him again after that point so no use in hanging around.


Facebook dating launches in Canada. Wow, dating is already possible in Canada, cool. I would like to see a better dating site. Nowadays, many people simply deceive everyone by creating fake pages. We trust them with our time, money, and in the end we get the fact that it was just a man on the other side of the screen talking to you. People just use you for their own preferences, get money for various stickers and just don't appreciate it. I really don't like dating sites in general. I know of only one good dating site that helped me find my soul mate with whom I have been living for three years.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Kerrbear said:


> I’ve decided to break it off with him. At my age I don’t want drama and games, I want someone that means what they say and does what they mean. He seems to be talking out of both sides of his mouth in regards to commitment and I’m not going to live like that.
> Thanks everyone for listening and taking the time to reply.


I'd probably do the same thing (i.e. break up with them). I think I kept my profile up for about a month and a half after I met my eventual girlfriend.

It was nothing but a distraction to me... I would keep wondering who else was out there, and whether I should settle or keep playing the field.

I really liked her, and reminded myself I HAD played the field already, and did that in order to find someone like her. so after about a month and a half after we met, I suggested we delete our profiles. She was really happy about that, and told me she was glad I suggested it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I've never deleted a dating profile. I've hidden/inactivated them, and if things are going well I've usually forgotten about them by then. A couple of years ago I found an old email with my original match .com profile, and after 20+ years I _finally_ deleted it (heck, we've been together that long and married for a lot of it). It has never been an issue for anyone, nor was it a problem if they didn't delete theirs; it was only a problem if they were actively _using_ it! If I give my word and commitment, it's real. Deleting a profile may be symbolic, but means nothing in reality, and since it is so easy to make a new one (with a new user name that can't be traced back to me), it really isn't anything but empty symbolism. Now, if someone _asked_ for the symbolic act, I'd oblige.


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