# Wife just told me about her affair



## TwinsDad

I haven't been able to talk with anyone about it yet (someone I feel close enough to is out of town this week). My wife just confessed to me two nights ago that she had an affair with someone she knew in childhood that she reconnected with via social networking. I'm still in shock but starting to also feel anger.

She said that he was very "persuasive", that they met twice and just talked then she went to his home twice and had sex. She said she wished she could go back in time and not do it, but that she still loved our family and didn't want to get a divorce. I asked her if she still loved me and she said yes. It bugs me that she said she still loves our family and only said she still loves me after I asked her.

We've been married almost 20 years, have two school-aged children (twins) that she stays at home to raise.

She claims that she ended it with him, that she is not in contact with him, "unfriended" him, and will let me know if he tries to contact her again.

I've read enough on this forum to know that anyone who responds to my post will understand how completely devistated I am. I am at work now, not working (obviously), and finding it very hard to focus and concentrate on anything.

I feel like someone who was just made a fool of on a stage at a show. Someone who is the butt of a joke that a whole audience is laughing at, but I'm still shaking the hand of the person who played the joke.

I told her that I love her (and our kids) too and don't want a divorce. She said she was sorry several times that night, that nothing excuses what she's done (despite the remark about how "persuasive" he was), then proceded to start telling me what is missing in me. She didn't go very far with this, realizing that it might not be the right time.

I started asking her questions about the affair. I didn't ask who the guy was. I now feel like I deserve to know his name, where he lives, and anything else I want to know. I don't want to know this so I can do something stupid (like confront or hurt the guy), I just want to know. Is it appropriate that I know who it is?

Since that night (just two days ago), she seems to be acting like we're back to life as usual. I know that part of this is for the kids sake, but it also bugs me that she isn't more emotional about it. Maybe it is a weight off her shoulders to have told me? Does that make sense?

I feel the weight of a long road ahead. I realize that, relatively speaking, I may be lucky because she confessed to me and I didn't find out about it second hand. It must mean that she wants to rebuild our marriage. Right now, that is the only think that comforts me at all.

Thanks for listening/reading.


----------



## synonimous_anonymous

IMHO you can ask her about every detail of her encounters. I asked my wife and the OM for the gory details. I read somewhere that your mind can usually come up with scenes that are much worse that what actually happened. My wife asked "Why do you want to know?" While I was grilling her just after catching her. It's an important part of the healing process. If you find yourself asking the same questions over again I think it's because you can't fully process all of the information and you need to double and sometimes triple check. She should be open about it and not leave out anything...but a word of caution, if you are not ready to hear the gory details then don't ask. I was ready and needed to know, so I asked. Others might feel better not knowing. I personally had to. As far as who it is, yes you have a right to know. How this will affect you and your healing process, I'm not 100 percent sure. I'd want to know. I know who my wife had her EA and because I know HE knows to avoid me and her. My wife knows NC means NO CONTACT and if she were caught, in my head it's 'game over'.

Her comment about him being 'persuasive' is, I think, her saying "I don't want to hurt you by saying that at the time I wanted it so I'm going say he wanted it and I let it happen." My wife tried to convince me that what I caught her in, naked laying on another man, wasn't going to turn to sex. She still thinks that. It's a way for them to feel more comfortable about it. Like when you try to sugar coat some bad news.

As far as her attitude, I would imagine the kids are part of it. I don't have any so I can't say that. My MIL doesn't know anything about my wife's EA but even if we did tell her she'd likely forget by the next day (She's old). My wife has taken similar steps in trying to be 'the same as usual' and it slows the process of healing. I'm sure others will chime in on this but I think you need to sit down with your wife and tell talk about it. Things will get worse as she tells you what was missing from your marriage that allowed this to happen. She may blame you but no matter what it is that was missing it's never an excuse to cheat. You are partially responsible for creating an environment in which the EA could happen but you are not responsible for her decision to have an EA.

As far as you being lucky that she wants to rebuild the marriage, I think you are. You will both come out stronger, even though it doesn't seem so now. If my wife were half as enthused about rebuilding as your wife, I'd be happy happy, but she's not and that's what's slowing down the process on my end.

Find out what you did, work on fixing yourself. There will be others that will chime in soon enough. Let the emotional rollercoaster roll...if you can, let your boss know what you're going through so that if you aren't working while at work he/she knows. If the pain becomes to much, some meds from the doctors may help short-term. I found alcohol helps me, but that's a dangerous road to go down.

Once your good friend is back in town, talk about it. Letting it out in words, not just on the net, will help clear your head. Take your time.


----------



## Bellz

i agree with sa. You need time to think but most importantly you need someone to talk to. They will prevent you from thinking too much in the wrong direction. You need to inform your boss too. Its fair that they know there's something that are affecting your job performance. For me, i wish i have told someone earlier. The whole company from my boss to my staff all realize i'm lost during office hour. A few times, i was ordered to go back because emotional instability and unable to perform. Even if you don't tell, they will know. So its better to tell but take your time. Only tell when you are ready. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## losinglove

It hurts and sucks. Take your time and make sure you do not react out of emotion, that can do more damage.

Like SA says, you should be able to ask anything. However make it safe for her to answer. If either of you start getting too upset take a timeout or call it over for the time being. I would also limit what you ask at one time. Set up rules like every Tuesday at 5 we will sit down for an hour, or I get to ask 3 questions. If she answers completely and honestly, that is it, no more on that question.

Definitely talk to someone. Go ahead and feel the emotions. Also as SA suggests I would let your boss know or take a couple days off.


----------



## Deejo

I'm sorry. Getting a confession doesn't make the blow any lighter.

I'm going to keep it very simple for now:
Insist on counseling. If she is serious at all about you and the family, this is not something she will resist. YOU choose the therapist.

She broke trust - in the cruelest of ways.
You need to work through the pain and damage, but also take a serious look at how you got to this point.

I've said it many times, an affair isn't the problem, it is the result of the problem.

There are many folks here that will offer advice based upon their experience, and can point you to outstanding resources. Take a look through other threads, sadly, but hopefully, you will discover that someone else's experience is very similar to your own.

Hang in there. You will get through this.


----------



## TwinsDad

Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice.

I just told my boss about it a few minutes ago. It felt really weird. I don't normally tell people about personal problems. I guess it was a good idea though. She seemed very understanding.

I don't think I will have a chance to talk to anyone else until next week, so I certainly appreciate having access to this forum. I'm sure my wife and I will have more discussions this week after the kids go to bed. It is VERY hard to act normal around them. Last night when putting one of them to bed, I started crying (couldn't help myself). My child asked why are you crying daddy? I just said that I was so happy to have such a great family. Sorry, just venting again.

Thanks again.


----------



## iamnottheonlyone

Feel free to vent.


----------



## bestplayer

TwinsDad said:


> Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice.
> 
> I just told my boss about it a few minutes ago. It felt really weird. I don't normally tell people about personal problems. I guess it was a good idea though. She seemed very understanding.
> 
> I don't think I will have a chance to talk to anyone else until next week, so I certainly appreciate having access to this forum. I'm sure my wife and I will have more discussions this week after the kids go to bed. It is VERY hard to act normal around them. Last night when putting one of them to bed, I started crying (couldn't help myself). My child asked why are you crying daddy? I just said that I was so happy to have such a great family. Sorry, just venting again.
> 
> Thanks again.


I think besides the information that is necessary , asking each every gory details of her affair wouldn't help at all .

It is better to discuss how you got to this place & so that it can never happen again . If you have decided to forgive her , you will have to get over it . 
And , I think the biggest plus point in your case is that your wife herself confessed that which definitely shows she is an honest person & wants to be with you . 

Best of luck


----------



## 2Daughters

I will tell you what sucks 'TwinsDad'..what sucks is that in her selfish state, she told you to clear her conscious and no other reason, look at what you're going through and probably going to go through for a very long time, she should have kept and lived with her conscious but now she laid it all on you, I agree, talk to your boss, let them know, I did because I couldn't work for 2 mos, I showed up but was a zombie, my boss is very understanding and talking to her helped speed up the process, I find her confession of him being 'persuasive' as just another excuse, sure, you had problems, but not like the one she laid on you, GET ANGRY, BE INFURIATED, or it will come out later towards someone else, you definitely need time to adjust, these are traumatic events in a marriage, there is no sugar coating, and don't let her give you 'reasons' for HER actions, in PERSUASIVE did she mean he ripped her clothes off and forced her?..NO!!!...the ride sucks and you're at the beginning..keep vent posting and reading, it does help, I'm still on here 3 1/2 months later and no confession...but time really does help, it won't seem possible right now (I was so sure) but it really does help.


----------



## CH

TwinsDad said:


> My child asked why are you crying daddy? I just said that I was so happy to have such a great family. Sorry, just venting again.
> 
> Thanks again.


You literally brought a tear to my eye when I read this phrase. Hang in there and hopefully things will work out for the both of you.


----------



## Initfortheduration

I am sorry for your situation. Your wife needs to know "why?" her daughter asked that question. You need to explain to your wife that you can't contain your sorrow. She didn't just cheat on you, she cheated on your children too. And if they end up in a split living arrangement, it's because of her.


----------



## hurtin4certain

So sorry this is happening to you, TwinsDad. I've had this experience. My dh totally unexpectedly confessed an affair to me one night just after having spent the previous evening with her. It's been over five years now, and our marriage is quite intact and happy. It felt like death itself in the moment, but there's a decision to be made after the initial shock wears off. You're in a marriage that is God-ordained. He wants you there, so why not make it joyful? If you're sure you want to stay together for the kids, they deserve for their parents to provide a safe and loving home environment. You'll get there. 

As far as her needing prompting to tell you she loved you, perhaps she thought you wouldn't want to hear it at the time. Try to look at it this way: She just confessed to being with someone else, but she was going to sit and tell you to your face that she loves you? I can see where it would just feel wrong to her. Now that she knows you need to hear it from her, though, she should certainly be able freely express that to you.

As far as the gory details go, I was told by counselors, pastors, and radio talk show hosts that I shouldn't ask the details, that it would only hurt me......BULL! While that may be true for some, I really don't believe it to be true for the majority of affair survivors. First of all, we need to see that our partner is willing to be an open book, completely honest. Secondly, we need to begin to heal, and that means we must know what EXACTLY we're healing from. I think the main reason we ask detailed questions is to determine how emotionally attached our spouse was/is to the intruder. We like the security of knowing that what we share with them goes deeper. I say, ask away. I admit it took years for my mental images of my husband with some skank to be erased, but they did go away. I would say that's the only downfall to knowing the gritty details.

You have the right to ask anything of her regarding the details of the affair and/or her whereabouts at anytime from this point forward, and she should willingly comply. Otherwise, how can you trust her again?

Take care of yourself, and, at least for a while, put yourself first. If you need to be apart, let her be the one to have to worry about the house and kids for the day while you go clear your head. After all, she created the situation.


----------



## blue-man

This is my first post!! I also just found out about my wife's affair about a month and 1/2 ago. We are doing ok and she has been very fourth coming about some details but I want to hear everything. She is a little worried that it will hurt me, but I'm already hurt and I need to know what she did and when so I can get past it completely. We both have changed a lot over this last month and 1/2 and are working on rebuilding our relationship. So far this has made us both realize that we need to spend more quality time together and rebuild our intimacy level. We have been together almost 17 years and married for 12 years next week, somewhere along the way we forgot to make that time for each that is so important. We are now planning to go to counseling together and work hard to get back to normal. The hardest part about her affair was that it was with someone that we worked with, luckily he quit as soon as his girlfriend found out. BTW I found out from a FB message from his girlfriend. My wife knew she knew and still didn't tell me. We have a lot to work out but I still love her and forgave her right away but I have not forgotten. Hopefully hearing all the gory details will help me get past it. 

Reading these stories has helped a lot and I will keep on reading and posting because it helps to share this with you all. I confided in my best friend as well and it really helped. He just listened and gave some common sense advice. Like the other day I told him that maybe I should go out and have an affair just to see what it feels like and has advised me not to. I agree with him but it still crosses my mind. I think ultimately it would tear us further apart and delay the healing process. 

Good luck to you and your family. I also told my children I was crying because I love them so much, but isn’t that the truth. I love my family and wife so much and don’t want anything to change us. My wife has been there for me all these years and this is the first time anything like this has happened, so I am willing to look past it. So far this seems to be a blessing in disguise; we are more passionate about our marriage our sex life and each other. I don’t want that feeling to ever go away again. I am going to work hard to make sure it doesn’t. Maybe I have to be the “persuasive” type for her and let her know how beautiful and important she is to me EVERYDAY. I certainly am trying to be that guy in her life. Hang in there and thank you for posting your story and letting me vent about mine.

The Blue-man


----------



## 2Daughters

You forgivers are a lot stronger than me..AT THIS TIME I do not see me being as forgiving, no matter what, maybe it's because your spouses confessed, whether out of being caught, someone telling you or them just wanting to feel better about it, maybe if my wife had not charaded and just came out when I first confronted her I might think like you do, but she didn't so I can't, and now it is too late, but I do hope you can continue the forgiveness and not end up 1,2,5 yrs down the road saying WHY!!!!


----------



## blue-man

ME TOO!!!! I guess we can only try hard to make it work. 

If marriages were easy no one would get divored...


----------



## TwinsDad

Blue Man - sorry about your situation. I agree that being able to read this forum and post to it has helped me some, especially since the person I would talk with about it is out of town until next week.

It has only been a few days since she confessed but feels like an eternity. The weird thing is that when we talk about just day-to-day stuff, on the phone or in-person, she acts like nothing happened. I know sometimes it is for the kids sake, but still feels weird. You're also right about what I said to my child being the truth. I love them, all of them so much and don't want our family to end. Man its hard!

I'm starting to feel some more anger though. When I think about the fact that she left the kids with a sitter to go to his house to have sex (twice), it just about drives me insane. Basically I paid a sitter so she could go F another guy. Ok I need to stop now.

I don't know how things are going to play out. She wants to talk about our issues before we see a counselor. This seems ok but I don't know that I can handle her telling me things about myself that basically "caused" her to do what she did. I'm going to make clear to her that she had other choices.

Enough venting for tonight.


----------



## 2Daughters

Man, that sucks, and you have every right to be angry..as a matter of fact you need to get angry, I wanted so bad to keep my family together for my daughters, that it consumned me, just today I was sitting at lunch thinking about all the hurt I went through the first 1 1/2 after she dropped the bomb that she was leaving, I thought about all the places I drove to and just parked to be alone, I thought about how awful the feeling I had at that time, I thought about how I was like a zombie everywhere I went, avoiding coworkers, and people in general, how I was the only person in the world going through this, then I found these sites and was like OMG..this is so common it was sickening at first, I googled do spouses reconcile after a wife suddenly leaves, I was looking for anything that would reassure me there was hope, people here said, TIME, TIME, TIME will ease the pain, I thought NO FREAKING WAY but, it was time, I look back and those hopeless feelings are gone, I look back and think, she had no idea what I was going through on an almost minute by minute basis, then it was hour by hour, then day to day, week to week..anyhow, time does make things manageable, for me it took 3 months.


----------



## blue-man

The same thing happened to me. She lied about going to play a soccer game and left me with the kids and went over to his house and spent 4 or 5 hours with him. That has been the hardest part to deal with. But again a lifetime together is a long time and I am trying to look at it from her perspective and see the reasons why she did it and unfortunately some of the reasons involve me. I am not blaming myself for what happened but I am trying my hardest to turn this into something positive. The morning after I found out I woke up at 5:45am and ran 2 miles and I have been running almost everyday since then. I feel like Forest Gump? But I feel great I have lost 17 lbs and still have about 15 to go. It has changed my life, I feel young again. Maybe I needed something to get me going. I still have my good days and bad days, mostly good days.  

It was important to me that we still have that emotional connection like we had before and it is there twice as strong. It is possible to regain that strong connection you had when you first met your wife and that is something that have focused on rebuilding and it is working. We feel like we did 5 to 7 years ago. This whole thing has brought us closer together in a way that nothing else could have. Remember it was just sex. Nothing can replace the feelings you and your wife have for each other. I'm only speaking from my expierence, but if you embrace what happened and accept it you may be able to bound with your wife like never before. Your relationship will never be the same but now you have a place to start rebuilding. It is not going to be easy and you will have days where you will not want to speak to her but those days become fewer and fewer. 

As for day to day stuff, I feel the same way. How can she just talk to me like nothing happened??? But then I realize that we need to be like that for our family so that we can get the things done that need to be done. I am taking comfort in the fact that it kind of feels normal to just talk about things and be together. It will get easier I promise. Again I will never forget but the feelings and memories are begining to fade (slowly but surely). Writing things down helps a lot, I even wrote my wife a letter and she told me it was like I propsed to her all over again and she cried. I now write her a letter or a long note at least once a week. I wish I had done that before and if you want to melt your wife's heart write her a letter from yours, trust me. Sometimes taking the high road can mean a lot to our wives. Make sure that she is there for you and working hard to earn your trust back. Don't let her retreat into some sort of depression, it will only delay the healing. Try not to let her hate herself for what she did to you. But make sure she realizes the mistake she made and deals with it by getting counseling, with you and on her own. Again I am not a counseler but it has helped me to just talk with you about this and I hope what I am telling you will help too. I hope today is a good day and remember it will get easier.

I know I am wearing my heart on my sleve in these posts and I hope this is a safe place to do so. Because I am new here I am a little nervous about posting but I am just going to do it so here it goes. Please be nice.


----------



## MEM2020

Hard as this is - try to think about the analogy below.

I am walking in a bad part of town at 3 AM and get mugged. It is not fair, it is not my "fault" I got mugged. However if I deny that I contributed to the situation by making a high risk choice, it may happen again. 

Let your W tell you what she wants/needs from you in the marriage. If she is clearly blamestorming you will know. If her points are valid - address them. At the same time she needs to go above and beyond for you for a while to show contrition.




TwinsDad said:


> Blue Man - sorry about your situation. I agree that being able to read this forum and post to it has helped me some, especially since the person I would talk with about it is out of town until next week.
> 
> It has only been a few days since she confessed but feels like an eternity. The weird thing is that when we talk about just day-to-day stuff, on the phone or in-person, she acts like nothing happened. I know sometimes it is for the kids sake, but still feels weird. You're also right about what I said to my child being the truth. I love them, all of them so much and don't want our family to end. Man its hard!
> 
> I'm starting to feel some more anger though. When I think about the fact that she left the kids with a sitter to go to his house to have sex (twice), it just about drives me insane. Basically I paid a sitter so she could go F another guy. Ok I need to stop now.
> 
> I don't know how things are going to play out. She wants to talk about our issues before we see a counselor. This seems ok but I don't know that I can handle her telling me things about myself that basically "caused" her to do what she did. I'm going to make clear to her that she had other choices.
> 
> Enough venting for tonight.


----------



## Deejo

Do what you need to do, but I think you will be far better served by having these conversations with a 3rd party - a therapist.

She is presuming that she's going to get lambasted in counseling. That is neither the point nor the goal.

Talking about your 'issues' is the point of seeing a counselor. Having someone to filter statements that either of you make is crucial to dealing with the emotional damage that has been wrought in your marriage.

Make the appointment while she is away, and then simply let her know the date and time.


----------



## TwinsDad

Thanks to everyone else who's responded with kind words of encouragement. I am very hopeful that we will work things out. She may be trying to spare my feelings. Also, I know that she was raised to always put on a happy face no matter what she was feeling inside, so I'll try to be understanding about that.

I've only told my boss about it because I wanted her to know that I may need to take some time off. I don't plan to share this with many, only one or two others who I know will be discrete, just to help me get things off my chest.

Thanks again for everyone's help!


----------



## 2Daughters

That's awesome to hear 'TwinsDad'!!!:smthumbup: I sincerely hope you two can continue to build again, that will give a lot of souls hope to hear another version of "Yes, it can work", key being 'WORK', deep down. everyone wants a happy re-connection, especially those after a LTR who have drifted off course.


----------



## TwinsDad

Ok, I was feeling better last night, then this morning I couldn't stop thinking about it and anger started to build. Nothing really seemed to happen to trigger it, I just couldn't get thoughts out of my head of her with someone else. Maybe something about our acting normal in front of the kids makes me think that she is just thinking "get over it" (I don't know that is true, but it's how it seems). Anyway, she was getting ready to leave for exercise class, and for the first time since I've known her, I wanted to hit her. I didn't of course and would never act on this feeling, but I just wanted to smack her in the face and scream at her. I also feel like she isn't doing enough to show me that she still loves me and understands what she is putting me through.

I'm going to try to relax and enjoy the day with my kids (she is meeting a girlfriend for a movie today-not sure how I feel about that). These ups and downs are really hard.


----------



## 2Daughters

I've posted on here quite often that if a someone can be laying next to their H/W and not 'think' about " is he/she thinking about OM/OW" there is a chance, but if you feel like 'holding your H/W's head underwater...' no chance!! of re-connecting.


----------



## iamnottheonlyone

There is more to healing then just going on with your life. Read His Needs, Her Needs and/or Surviving an Affair by Harley. You need help staying on course and making the best marriage you can. Both of you have a lot of work to do. It is time to get started. Without substantial changes from both of you, you could see another affair or separation. You don't want that do you? Go to marriagebuilders.com and start reading. I guarantee you will be surprised if you are like any of us mortal men. Get back back to us once you have visited the site.


----------



## swedish

TwinsDad said:


> Nothing really seemed to happen to trigger it, I just couldn't get thoughts out of my head of her with someone else.


This will happen for quite some time, but hopefully as you start counseling the marriage will begin to heal and the thoughts will be less frequent. I will be honest, I really don't think your wife can fully grasp how you feel inside...she did not experience the shock, pain and mental images that are facing you now. 

She is likely feeling bad about the whole thing and wanting to put it behind her and not think about it. This is not the easiest path to your healing...the 'get over it' mentality really irritates me so I hope she's not thinking that.

If negative things come up in counseling, try not to think of them as excuses for her infidelity but rather a way to make your marriage stronger...there may be things you would like to see improved as well.

I hope you have had some better days since your last post


----------



## TwinsDad

Thank you iamnottheonlyone and Swedish for your helpful advice. I've reserved the book "His needs/her needs" at our local library and am hoping that my wife and I can read it together. I've also started looking into counseling in my area, but don't really know how to find a good one other than just online searching. Does anyone have a recommendation for a good, marriage-friendly counselor in the DC-Baltimore-Annapolis area?

Since my last post things have been "fine". Just kind of living day to day pretending nothing is wrong in front of the kids, family, and friends. I think you are right, Swedish, that my wife just wants to put it behind her and not think about it. She has occupied herself with a new life goal of becoming an exercise instructor, which may help fill some of her needs.

I was lying in bed last night thinking that she hasn't done near enough to make this up to me. For example, I told her that night that, if she really still loves me, I needed her to show it more, as in being more affectionate toward me in general. I just mean things like holding my hand, squeezing my arm (like she used to), sitting close to me, that kind of thing. These are the kind of things that come naturally when you love someone. She has been better, but probably senses my emotional distance.

I'm hoping to finally talk with my cousin about it a bit today. I still haven't be able to talk with anyone in person. I talked with another person last week by phone, but it really didn't help me much. It is definitely going to take time.


----------



## jessi

hey twinsdad,
sorry to hear your story and it sucks I know, you probably have a million questions that don't make sense to you. Go ahead and talk to someone you trust about this, read, learn figure out what you need and then work together to make each other happy.....
I know it helps when my husband says to me that he understands how I feel and he knows that it's was him that put me in this place of doubt and mistrust.....and that it's up to him to support and help for how ever long it takes to get back to a better place for me....he too would like to just move on and forget all the ugliness the affair he had created.....but not as easy for the BS, we have all the questions, why, how could they, what is wrong with us and how do you move on and try to re-build the trust when we know they made decisions that didn't have our best interest at heart.....
Time heals all and each day gets better, staying in the present and looking forward to the future is key.......
Hang in there, you don't have to move quickly, wait until you are emotionally ready........process everything and see what is there for you.........


----------



## kgall6268

I wonder about this. I am a married woman and I had an affair. It wasn't someone I just met, it was someone I loved long before I knew my husband. We happened to run into each other after decades, neither of us looking for the other. Long story short we ended it after a while realizing it was wrong, we both had kids and were married. I decided it was best not to tell my husband. It is my burden to carry, not his. I want my marriage to work. I don't understand the need to burden the other spouse? to hurt them when its over. :scratchhead:


----------



## NotJustMe

kgall6268 said:


> I don't understand the need to burden the other spouse?


It isn't so much a need to burden the other spouse as it is a need to be 100% open and honest within a marriage. Put it this way...the very moment you made the decision to have the affair, your marriage turned into a lie. From that point forward your husband has lived a lie, believing he was married to a person who doesn't exist. 

You owe your spouse the truth, and by not giving him the truth you are robbing him of the chance to decide his future for himself. In short, you are controlling the rest of his life by limiting his choices to what YOU are comfortable with.



kgall6268 said:


> Long story short we ended it after a while realizing it was wrong, we both had kids and were married. I decided it was best not to tell my husband. It is my burden to carry, not his.


I like how make it sound as if you and the other cheater are so noble, sadly carrying such a burden...as if it is not a burden of your own making.


----------



## tamara24

I know how much you must be hurting. Some people will tell you it doesn't matter if your spouse tells you or if you find out some other way. I found out by accident on my birthday and he still denied it . At least you wife was forthcoming in telling you.

The fact she also took measures to make sure she had no contact with him again is her way of showing you that she is committing to your relationship. Now, what you decide to do is the next big decision. She put herself out there by telling you,knowing that you could walk right out the door.that is your choiceand you have every right. 

Knowing all the details..hmmmm. well I think knowing everything upfront would help. Be prepared if you ask that you really want to know. It really hurts. My hubby seemed to have a selective memory and the more I found out on my own, the worse it hurt. To this day we have arguments concerning this. I think if he would have just told me everything, I could have gotten through the process a lot sooner. I think you should focus too on why did she have the affair. Was she lonely? Was it the excitement? Was it to get back at you? Sometimes this can open the doors to better communication. Maybe ,for example she feels neglected as a wife and you need to take her to dinner and do some couple alone time things together. It does not excuse what she did, but it could make your marraige a stronger and happier one if you don't let all emotions ruule and try and I say try to stay calm. Hurried decisions can also lead to making things worse. Hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sadsailor

I am in same boat except on a deployment for OEF Aug 16 bomb dropped about a week later found out it was someone else. Got Trips 4 years old. Want to stay for them. She is reluctant but said will go to counseling as a way to move forward. Mine hasnt fully thought of consequences if I am not contributing to house pymt yet. Thinks everything will be fine. Stay strong I am trying to do same


----------



## CH

NotJustMe said:


> It isn't so much a need to burden the other spouse as it is a need to be 100% open and honest within a marriage. Put it this way...the very moment you made the decision to have the affair, your marriage turned into a lie. From that point forward your husband has lived a lie, believing he was married to a person who doesn't exist.
> 
> You owe your spouse the truth, and by not giving him the truth you are robbing him of the chance to decide his future for himself. In short, you are controlling the rest of his life by limiting his choices to what YOU are comfortable with.
> 
> I like how make it sound as if you and the other cheater are so noble, sadly carrying such a burden...as if it is not a burden of your own making.


:iagree:

You carry that burden to save yourself not your husband. You're only thinking of you because you're afraid he might leave you. Do you really think you're so noble and high and mighty saying I'll bear this burden because I'm doing the right thing.

BTW, did you ever get tested and stop having sex with your husband? You do know that some STDs takes months to years to show up. Especially AIDs, that could be years down the road before it pops up. The gift that keeps on giving...

Oh nooooo, the love of my life would never cheat with anyone else but me. That would be impossible, he's a great man and loves his wife and would only sleep with me only so I know for sure he doesn't have anything.


----------



## seeking sanity

Sorry dude, infidelity is a brutal expereince to go through. If it helps you should know that on the spectrum of cheating, you got off light. 

First, she told you, which is ultimately a sign of respect. You have no idea how many cheating spouses lie for years and take a bad situation and make it so much worse. She loves you is the reason she told you the truth.

Second, it was only two encounters. Many affairs go on for months or years.

None of this makes it easier. Being betrayed forever changes your self image and your view of your marriage. For many people ANY cheating is a deal breaker. And if you choose to end the marriage that is a perfectly justifiable choice.

If you do want to stay married (and probably you vacilate on that), then this is an opportunity for personal growth, but a few things need to be in place.

a. No contact of any kind with the OM
b. Total disclosure of what happened, and any and all details you want to know.
c. Counselling for your wife and/or marriage counseling
d. Total transparency. You get access to all email accounts, phone records, etc. so you can feel safe enough that the cheating is over and done with.

Beyond that, you will go through a ton of emotions over the next several months. You'll hate her, love her, want her, want to make her suffer. It's normal. Do your best not to be cruel, but forgive yourself if you act in a cruel way. You've been betrayed in the worst possible way. Your world will never be the same.

It sounds like your wife made a terrible mistake. Realized it very quickly and took immediate steps to rectify it. Those are very positive steps. You have an excellent chance of recovering and having a better marriage then you did before. 

Crisis creates opportunity. This is a chance to address all of the crap that has piled up over the years. Believe it or not, but you have a good shot of having a much happier marriage and better life. It's just going to take some time, counselling and reflection to get there.


----------



## cb45

Hi 
Twins,

funny i'm going thru this 3 pager thread and i'm about to post my opinion with a couple of insights (i hope) no one else has covered and voila, SSanity nails it b4 me! (good job SS)

thus my response is shortened to this/these:

infidelity fallout for the "cheated" is alot like cancer stages; shock, denial, anger, acceptance. so dont worry or give in to 
over indulging any of these emotions. u'll get thru the path if u imagine/remember many have gone/walked this way b4 u and, 
have made out ok. 

U r lucky in the sense of her admitting it, and only 2 one timers at that compared to some here who suffer with his/her dramatic escapades. SS covered this as well.

Re: yer questions of her depends on how well u know yourself.
can u do "ignorance is bliss" or not? would yer imagination indeed trump yer knowing per se? 
Know thyself well. whichever way you do decide, u must ACT QUICKLY and remember that YOU made the decision, not her. dont blame her if u dont like the ramifications of YOUR decision and try to take it out on her & yer rel'shp later on down the road. 

For example i myself would obsess to "know the truth the whole truth and nuttin but....." Yet if i did so, i would probably become bitter w/ my imagination teaming up w/ the facts; not as easily be able to dismiss them comp to "ignorance;" and thusly would greatly increase my chances for divorce mths/yrs down the road w/ all the neg fallout. 
So as much as i hate to say it, if i truly wanted a reconcilation/restoration of sorts, i am better off NOT KNOWING the details. To choose o/wise means i don't want her for marriage any longer most likely.

Again i say.....KNOW THYSELF WELL.

if she is hesistant to say anything to ya, as it may b "explosive" in any sense of the word, i'd opt for her to 
do/say so in front of a very experienced preferably christian marriage counselor, as they make good referees.

You two have to reestablish trust. the more she cooperates w/ u in doing that, the easier it'll be to reestablish or revive yer marriage. it wont be the same, as "the glass vase is broken" but w/ some work, some creativity, and alot of prayer-meditation by both of u, it CAN be replaced w/ something more mature, more lasting, and perhaps.....more beautiful than b4.(golden vase maybe?)

shalom.....i wish u God's peace......in daily goings in & out.......


----------



## Affaircare

Just a note. Did anyone notice that the Original Poster hasn't written since the end of July? 

This thread was actually risen from the dead by sadsailor.


----------



## cb45

why i coulda sworn.......didnt i see a......well....LOL....jokes on me!


----------



## Ravensno

I am 15 1/2 years down the road and it is still very fresh to me. I too wanted the gory nasty sex details of my husbands affair. Big whoopty doo they had sex sex and more sex. Guess what I had? Depression. Deep dark horrid depression. Still, nightmares and visions of them together. 15 1/2 years ago. It doesn't go away for all of us victims. I wish I would have been strong enough not to stay married to him. Now it is too late to leave. Be strong TwinsDad, be very very strong. Head up! Heart in your pocket, not on your sleeve. Know what I am saying?


----------



## TwinsDad

I appreciate Sad Sailor's and the subsequent posters' comments too. I know I haven't read or posted for a while, but it is basically because everything has sort of been in "suspended animation". We've just been living a busy life getting our kids started in school and taking care of them.

I've been checking into counseling and have found someone that I will probably have an initial appointment with to see if I feel comfortable with her. My wife has said she will participate in couples counseling but has not been too interested in the progress I've made finding someone. We just had a big wedding anniversary and she said she wanted to wait until after to start counseling. She is also very busy with her excercise instruction work and I know has trouble finding the time for other things between that and the kids. I'm still angry/sad/depressed and know I need to start counseling soon (and will).

Thanks again for all of your support.


----------



## swedish

Hi TwinsDad,

I'm glad you checked in to give us an update. I can understand your 'limbo' state and believe you will remain there until you really begin to address the affair and underlying issues in your marriage with your wife.

I hope you are able to find a counselor soon, because I believe your wife's perceived 'shoving the whole thing under the rug' is only serving to build resentment on your end. Please remember that it will be important for you both to raise your issues within the marriage, so you have a starting point for improvement. Not one of her issues will ever be an excuse to step outside of the marriage, but also should be voiced and addressed because you have seen one negative consequence when issues are not communicated and brought to the surface.


----------



## the guy

I have read some good posts lately regarding the healing process;
"the one that hurt you is the one that will heal you"
I my case my W is a big part in healing me, and thank God she understands this. I hope your wife can get on board. It is probablely hard for her the relive a shameful, ambarassing, inmoral act of infidelity. But I quess that has to be her burden, as you have your burded of having your wife sleep with someone else. 
I wish she could see the great posablities in confronting this issue.
I believe that if both of you go all out and take this head on, your marriage will benifit. I just don't see how keeping this in the closet will help heal her guilt and your betrayal.


----------

