# One year on..........



## Comeback Kid (May 13, 2013)

Hi everyone

First time poster here, just looking for any advice, comments or suggestions from people who have been through similar. Here's my story:

I was with my now ex-wife for 7 years and we were married for almost 3 years. She was just about to start studying for her PhD when we met and she has much more of a career drive and focus than I did. We lived together for a few years in a lovely flat where we were both very happy but due to her funding running out and rising rent we had to move temporarily to the other end of the country and live with my parents whilst she finished her studies. This was about 9 months before our wedding and afterwards we rented a flat but we never really liked it and she decided to start another course which would help her pursue her career so for financial reasons again we moved back to my parents.

She started her uni course and would split her time between her parents house which was only a short drive from my parents but closer to her uni. It was during this time that she started going out more with her uni friends and develop a stronger social life but as I don't drink I wasn't often invited along. For the 2nd year of her course she had a work placement which was 120 miles away so I rented a flat for her (as she had no income) and we saw each other at weekends only. This was in a big city and she developed another large social group who she would enjoy going out with but would never invite me along to when I visited, although we would spend all our time together when I was there. At Christmas 2011 she told me that she was no longer attracted to me and we went through marriage guidance but the writing was on the wall and we seperated in April 2012.

I've never had that much self confidence and was always guy growing up who girls wanted to be friends with but never anything more as they would fancy my cooler friends instead. My ex is a really pretty girl and way above my league (people would comment on this when we were together) so I always felt really lucky to be with her and like the years of rejection had led to this moment where I was genuinely happy. She was pretty much my ideal woman in terms of looks, personality, sexuality and sense of humour so I took it pretty hard when we seperated.

I've been through the various stages since we split, sorrow, anger, hurt, denial and acceptance and I felt like I was starting to move on. I joined a couple of dating sites and have been on a couple of dates which despite neither leading to a follow up, both went well and helped my confidence. Lately though it's all started to build up again as it's been the one year anniversary of our seperation as well as her birthday next week and what would have been our 4th wedding anniversary in July. I keep thinking about what I've lost and whether I'll ever find that same special relationship with somebody else. I keep hoping that she will call and say she wants us to get back together but deep down I know that isn't going to happen and it's destructive to spend time thinking about it. 

I never used to believe in soulmates and didn't really ever plan on getting married but she changed all that and although obviously I wasn't hers, I genuinely feel like she was "the one" for me and no woman can match up to her. I wasn't the easiest person to be with and I keep looking back at what I could have done differently to keep her interested in me.

Sorry it's a bit of a long post, I don't have too many people that I can talk to about this (don't have that kind of relationship with my family and most of my friends live far away). Anyone been through something similar and come out the other side?


----------



## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Man, I feel the same way about my ex...that she is "the one"...and like you, I didn't have much involvement with her social life, mainly because I'm black and she's white...and the place where we stayed her parents owned and she claims if they found out she was with a black man, they would have disowned her. So, for the 9 years we were together, she never let on to her family that I was black. I never met any of her friends or relatives. Everyone says how horrible that is, but I didn't mind it at all. I'm not a sociable person and I simply didn't want to be bothered with all of those people, anyway (she has a very large family) All I cared about was her. 

I haven't made it out the other side yet...she told me that she didn't love me any more out of the blue two months ago and we've already been through separation and divorce. I foolishly keep trying to talk her into getting back together, but it's just making things worse for me. A friend of mine told me that she may never come back, but she definitely won't come back if I keep trying to force it. I've just got to let her go and if she wants to be with me again, she will let me know. (though that seems a bit far fetched at this point. she divorced me, shows no signs of remorse and says she thinks about me sometimes but only in a "I wonder how he's doing.." type of way...never "I really wish he was here with me right now" sense) I've known this for a while but just can't stop trying to push the issue. Maybe I'm crazy.


----------



## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

Sorry for to read both of your stories. In both cases I hate to say it, but it sounds like your spouses were playing you to some degree. Comeback Kid, sounds like your wife also considered herself "above" you so it was easy for her to say "I don't love you" anymore.

Hank_rea, sounds like your wife played the race card. I have a hard time believing that her parents would have disowned her if they found out you were black, unless they're from reddest neck of the woods you can imagine. If she would have really loved you, she would have done what she could have to introduce you to her social circle. Yes, as a white guy I would have noticed that she was white and you were black. And yes, all the taboo scenes and Jungle Fever would have been fun to imagine, just because we all love to be perverse. . . but once I met you and got to know you? It wouldn't have mattered, and I think I speak for most of us. 

But she never gave a chance to her friends did she? One thing I really dislike is when people use that as an excuse to hide who they're with. The situation you describe (her attitude I mean) almost guaranteed that your marriage would fail.


----------



## Comeback Kid (May 13, 2013)

It does sometimes feel like I've been used as I was the main financial earner the whole time we were together and literally spent thousands of pounds supporting her studies and our life over those 7 years. I didn't mind it though because it was always working towards a long term goal that her career would be able to provide us with a better life together and it was all "short term sacrifice for long term goals". To have that dream of a better life together be taken away, just as she was about to finish her final course was very hard to take, as is the thought that she will meet someone else who will live the life that should have been mine.

I'm not a materialistic person though and would much prefer to be with her and poor than on my own and wealthy. We have stayed on good terms after seperating and text each other every couple of weeks or so. She is living in the city where she was studying so we only meet up when she comes up to where I live to visit her parents although even just seeing her for a coffee makes me realise that I still love her


----------



## Comeback Kid (May 13, 2013)

It does sometimes feel like I've been used as I was the main financial earner the whole time we were together and literally spent thousands of pounds supporting her studies and our life over those 7 years. I didn't mind it though because it was always working towards a long term goal that her career would be able to provide us with a better life together and it was all "short term sacrifice for long term goals". To have that dream of a better life together be taken away, just as she was about to finish her final course was very hard to take, as is the thought that she will meet someone else who will live the life that should have been mine.

I'm not a materialistic person though and would much prefer to be with her and poor than on my own and wealthy. We have stayed on good terms after seperating and text each other every couple of weeks or so. She is living in the city where she was studying so we only meet up when she comes up to where I live to visit her parents although even just seeing her for a coffee makes me realise that I still love her


----------



## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

I like your name Comeback Kid. You wouldn't have chosen that if you haven't made personal progress. 

Your story resonates with me. Wife developed a new set of friends, and before I knew it, she was out the door. She was at the peak of her career which I helped develop but she never wanted to admit it. I was at my lowest point when she decided to leave so I felt that had I been more successful in business, she would have still been around.

I still love her although we are 1.5 years separated, but know, and hate to admit, that she probably will not be coming back. 

Don't expect your wife to go back to you unless you become a more successful person. She left because she felt she could trade up. She won't show you to her friends because she is either embarrassed of you, has told them negative things about you, or she is banging someone in the group.

Who does the texting? You or her? If you really are the Comeback Kid, you are better off cutting off all communication with her and move on.


----------



## Comeback Kid (May 13, 2013)

Well the username is also a band I like but I do really want to move on and did feel like I was getting there until a few weeks ago, guess it's all part of the healing process but right now is a low point.

It's usually me that does the texting if I'm being honest. We had a bit more regular contact recently as my parents were moving house and there was a lot of her stuff to sort out. I did suspect that she might have been seeing someone else in her new group of friends but she always denied it and I don't want to think that she would lie to me. The only real "evidence" I had was one time after we had an argument on the phone, I hung up and then a short while later my phone rang and it was her but it had dialled automatically as the phone was in her bag. I could hear her talking to a man but couldn't make out what was being said. I hung up and managed to ring her back later and she said she had decided to go out with her friends and the bloke had met her at the train station to walk her to the pub. After we seperated I also told her that I would find it really hard if she started seeing someone who she had met whilst we were still together, even if nothing had happened between them and she said she couldn't promise me that, which kind of made me think there must be someone that she at least fancied in that group.

The other problem is that she knows my thoughts on cheating and how it would change everything if it turned out she had been. I guess time will tell when she does start seeing someone else and who he is.


----------



## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Comeback Kid said:


> I was with my now ex-wife for 7 years and we were married for almost 3 years.


Are you divorced? You never quite specified that.



Comeback Kid said:


> Well the username is also a band I like but I do really want to move on and did feel like I was getting there until a few weeks ago, guess it's all part of the healing process but right now is a low point.


You're one year out and her birthday is around the corner. If you are still holding on, then naturally you would feel this way. 



Comeback Kid said:


> It's usually me that does the texting if I'm being honest.


tsk tsk



Comeback Kid said:


> I did suspect that she might have been seeing someone else in her new group of friends but she always denied it and I don't want to think that she would lie to me. The only real "evidence" I had was one time after we had an argument on the phone, I hung up and then a short while later my phone rang and it was her but it had dialled automatically as the phone was in her bag. I could hear her talking to a man but couldn't make out what was being said. I hung up and managed to ring her back later and she said she had decided to go out with her friends and the bloke had met her at the train station to walk her to the pub.


Doesn't mean this is your smoking gun, but there is a reason she never wants you around her friends. 



Comeback Kid said:


> After we seperated I also told her that I would find it really hard if she started seeing someone who she had met whilst we were still together, even if nothing had happened between them and she said she couldn't promise me that, which kind of made me think there must be someone that she at least fancied in that group.


Well you gave her the space she wanted and you even set her up on her apartment. What a great arrangement for her. She was free to explore.



Comeback Kid said:


> The other problem is that she knows my thoughts on cheating and how it would change everything if it turned out she had been. I guess time will tell when she does start seeing someone else and who he is.


Why is it a problem? Why would it change everything if it turned out that she had been cheating on you while she was at the university or when she moved to the city? Are you implying that you have an arrangement in place, that she needs some time now to sort herself out? 

At the moment, your wife (or is it ex?) is gone. What you are doing right now, texting and moping won't bring her back. You call yourself the Comeback Kid but you don't act like it. What are you doing to improve yourself and build your self esteem? She is the hot one, and you are not.

So why don't you do yourself a favor and hit the gym and get in good shape, go to a hairstylist and get a nice fashionable cut, and drop some cash and fix up your wardrobe, start dating, and focus strongly on some hobbies. 

I can understand and relate how you can hold on for one year, but the writing seems to be on the wall. Work on yourself and move on. Time is a great healer if you let it be, but it won't do you any good if you continue to initiate text messages and try to see her if she is near your area. 

You can't force your wife to go back to you, nor play the pity card and hope she goes back to you. The best you can do is to avoid all contact. Out of sight out of mind. I went no contact for four months after my wife left and it helped me heal much quicker. You'll be miserable the first month, but then you will start to feel better if you focus on other activities. After the third or fourth month, you'll be moving along quite nicely.

Show to her that you don't give a crap. Its the best thing you can do.


----------



## Comeback Kid (May 13, 2013)

Sorry, forgot to say. We aren't divorced yet as we both decided to wait until it became more practical to do so, namely when we became serious with someone else. Also neither of us can afford to go to a solicitor at the moment and sort it all out.

The apartment was a necessity as it was her course tutor who decided on which work placement she went to. I applied for voluntary redundancy from my job so I could join her but it was turned down and I had no luck in applying for jobs in the city she was moving to so it wasn't always the plan for her to be there on her own and circumstances beyond either of our control dictated it.

It would change everything if she had cheated as I would go from trying to maintain some level of friendship and contact with her to completely cutting her out, which I know you have suggested anyway. The problem is that she was also my best friend as well as my wife so I've lost more than just a lover and she was the only person in my life who has ever truly understood me.

I'm actually trying to get in better shape at the moment and spend most of my time and money following my football team (soccer to you American types) around the country with my mates. There's not much I can do about the hair though as I'm going bald so keep it nice and shaved  I'm trying to start dating and have joined a couple of dating sites but that's only resulted in 2 dates in 5 months and I don't really go anywhere where I can meet women (football matches don't have many single women at them)

Another issue with cutting contact is that her dad has a terminal illness and whilst he isn't in hospital or anything, time is not on his side. I always had a really good relationship with her parents, arguably better than with my own so I want to be there to help them if they need anything.


----------



## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Please accept my apology in advance for being frank, but I just find your excuses lame. You let your wife alone 120 miles in the big city and you say its circumstance? No such thing. You DON'T ever leave your wife if you ever intend your marriage to work. You just gave her the visa to have an affair and cut you out of her life with you paying for everything!

And now you say that you won't get a divorce until either of you admit to finding someone else? Lame again Comeback. She goes out to pubs with male friends, has her own apartment, does what she wants, but for some reason never tells you whether there is another guy or not. Hmmm. Man, I hope you're still not paying for the apartment. Because if you are don't expect her to tell you about another guy because she has all the space she wants to explore while being funded by you. Only when she finds someone really worthwhile will she cut you off completely. And she will because she is the hot one.

I understand you are a nice guy and all, but its not your fault her father is dying nor is it your responsibility or obligation to be around for him. I think you want to be there so that you can show to your wife that you care about her parents and hope for the sympathy vote down the road when the old man croaks. it won't happen.

Keep your hair short, lose the stomach, and get off the online dating sites which almost always suck. Get in shape, and get in the game. Cut contact with your wife, go dark, and watch what happens.

And last question, were you at all intimate with your wife during those last recent visits to your neighborhood?


----------



## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Comeback Kid said:


> It would change everything if she had cheated as I would go from trying to maintain some level of friendship and contact with her to completely cutting her out, which I know you have suggested anyway. The problem is that she was also my best friend as well as my wife so I've lost more than just a lover and she was the only person in my life who has ever truly understood me.


You sound just like me, except my ex and I aren't really in any kind of friendly contact. Most of our conversations involve me begging, her rejecting. I'm determined to stop once and for all now, though. None of my "tricks" have worked. It's time to go dark and try to move on. I'm hoping that she will one day find that she wants to try again, but I really shouldn't hold my breath. According to her, I was a very negative figure in her life and all she can see right now is the bad....I guess she forgot about how she used to call in sick from work almost every day for about a month just so she could stay home with me. Or how I dropped everything to drive 4 hours to come and take care of her when she was throwing up all over the place. Paid her medical bills and gave her money to pay her cable bill and everything. Or how I used to paint her toenails, give her foot rubs, rush into the room to warm her with my body when she was shivering, how she used to always say I "made her feel beautiful" (she had self esteem issues) or how I was the "man of her dreams". I remember the good and the bad. She is just focused on the bad. Out of 8 years of marriage, she says the last year was the only one in which she was unhappy. So, she throws away all of that history because of one bad year out of 8. Really makes you feel valued.


----------



## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Sorry to hear your situation Hank, but you really deserve someone better if she kept you away from family and friends for nine years because you are black and she is white. I don't know how that could be possible but it sounds like she did and you should have never accepted this sort of behavior from the start.


----------



## Comeback Kid (May 13, 2013)

Alpha said:


> Please accept my apology in advance for being frank, but I just find your excuses lame. You let your wife alone 120 miles in the big city and you say its circumstance? No such thing. You DON'T ever leave your wife if you ever intend your marriage to work. You just gave her the visa to have an affair and cut you out of her life with you paying for everything!
> 
> And now you say that you won't get a divorce until either of you admit to finding someone else? Lame again Comeback. She goes out to pubs with male friends, has her own apartment, does what she wants, but for some reason never tells you whether there is another guy or not. Hmmm. Man, I hope you're still not paying for the apartment. Because if you are don't expect her to tell you about another guy because she has all the space she wants to explore while being funded by you. Only when she finds someone really worthwhile will she cut you off completely. And she will because she is the hot one.
> 
> ...


No need to apologise fella, frank talking is what you need to hear sometimes. I need to clarify a few points though:

Financially I couldn't move straight away with her unless I got voluntary redundancy from work or another job. I applied for loads but it was the middle of a recession over here and I didn't even get an interview for any of them. The original plan was for her to be there for the duration of her work placement and then move back but we seperated before she finished. She also moved out of the apartment and into a house with a couple from where she was working and we have no financial ties together anymore. If she is with someone else now then that's up to her, as long as there was no overlap then as much as it hurts me, she is free to see someone now she is single (as I am too). I also do genuinely want to be able to help her parents if I can as they are nice people who always treated me well. Saying that I'm not doing anything proactive about that, just passed on the message that they only need to ask if they need anything.

We last had sex in October and she told me she didn't find me attractive anymore in December although we did have a couple of intimate moments in that time. I always had a much higher sex drive than her though but I knew there was something wrong at the time.


----------



## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

I would have flipped burgers if that meant being able to be with my wife. 

You'll will never found out if there was any overlap because she won't reveal it to you.

She says she doesn't find you attractive two months after you were last intimate with her. So what changed in between? Wake up Comeback Kid because the writing is clearly on the wall.


----------



## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Alpha said:


> Sorry to hear your situation Hank, but you really deserve someone better if she kept you away from family and friends for nine years because you are black and she is white. I don't know how that could be possible but it sounds like she did and you should have never accepted this sort of behavior from the start.


I have issues, obviously. I just never cared to meet those people. Like I said before, I'm not very sociable. Having her, a nice place to live and a decent job made me content, complacent, even. I didn't really want or need anything else (save for whatever little new technological knick-knack came around; blu ray players, hdtvs, etc) I was fine with the situation. And, like, if we would run into someone she knew from work or something while we were out, she would always introduce me. To this day, having never met her family still doesn't bother me. Maybe that just says something about my self esteem, or lack thereof. I personally think the situation bothered her a lot more than she let on. One of the reasons she gave me for wanting to end the marriage was, "I want my family to be able to meet you" and she also said that she deserved to be alone because she had been lying to her family all these years. Ugh...I'm just too much in denial right now to rationally look at this. All I see in my head is our first meeting, and many nights holding each other...her telling me how much she loves me and how she's never going to leave me. I was such a fool. We even got each others' names tattooed on our bodies.


----------



## Comeback Kid (May 13, 2013)

Alpha said:


> I would have flipped burgers if that meant being able to be with my wife.
> 
> You'll will never found out if there was any overlap because she won't reveal it to you.
> 
> She says she doesn't find you attractive two months after you were last intimate with her. So what changed in between? Wake up Comeback Kid because the writing is clearly on the wall.


I would have too but flipping burgers wouldn't have paid the rent and bills and she had no income as it was an unpaid work placement. That's not an excuse, just the reality of the situation in that I had to find a job which would pay enough.

She told me that she had been feeling that way for a while before she actually spoke to me about it and to be fair, our love life had been gradually becoming less since before she moved. I think there's a combination of factors why I wasn't invited out as much, one of which could be that she was cheating but as I don't drink, she always felt embarrassed if I was around when she was drunk with her friends and that was always the case since we first got together.

Thanks for all your comments, I've made a few decisions that hopefully will allow me to move on and whilst I'm not going to cut contact completely (after all I'll be sending her a card for her birthday) I'm going to wait and see when she next contacts me instead of texting her and I might make my excuses the next time she is up visiting her parents, just to allow myself to put some distance between seeing her.


----------



## billyboy111 (Jan 26, 2012)

Well My wife left moved out on the 10th Jan 2012. Last spoke to her 13th Mar 2012. Married 13 years and together for 25.
I havent heard from her or seen her since???????
To say my world came apart is an under statement.
I spent months crying and feeling all the stages in very real terms but you know what we can all go on about it for ever cant we.
I lived a virtual sexless marriage with my wife for many many years but it never diminished my love for her; infact the longer we were together the more I loved her. Thats the sad part of my tale I guess, I absolutely loved my wife but the truth of it is she didnt feel it. I treated her like a princess (her word) and we had a blessed life with a lot of nice stuff and no real debt. 
You see by the time they go their done and worse if there is no great event to cause it then Im sorry your relationship died the death of a thousand little cuts and the problem is eventually they just dont heal. My wife was the type who wouldnt speak up so I never got to hear why she was unhappy eventhough I would ask her what was wrong if she was down. she just let her love die slowly and without warning she just switched on me.
In the back of my head the grownup knows why my wife left I guess but the child in me just struggles to accept it all.
I dont know what I feel anymore to be honest; I still love my wife very much but its done and I know it. I knew it was done when I looked in her eyes and they were empty all that time ago.
My wife sought comfort from another man and Im not sure what went on if Im honest but thats not important because when a partner turns to another it means they have lost all connection with you and once that happens in a woman I think she is exhausted with the effort of trying with us. Everyone is flawed and as much as we fool ourselves that all is well in our relationships we know in our gut its not dont we???
The wolf is always at the door guys in one form another and the so called wolf has no concept of us the partner; they are selfish individuals who offer poor advice based on their own crappy life experiences or are just looking for what they can get out of the situation. Men want your partner for sex thats obvious but the worst danger we face are the girl friends and the families as they poison the mind. 
Im 47 years old and now Im not even sure I want to be with another woman as Im exhausted myself and Im not sure I could ever trust anyone with my heart again and I wouldnt want to live a lie and worse I couldnt cope with her loving me and me not feeling the same. 
I have been on several dates over the last year but only one did I see a few times, that I stopped when I found myself sitting with her watching tv on our third outing. I just felt like it was wrong!!!
In my opinion most women leave a man to seek out a better life for themselves and maybe some find it, but I think most just swop one lot of bull for another and eventually they find themselves going through the same stuff with someone else thats all. Of course she will be fooling herself all is fine with the world just as she did with you and no doubt will convince herself that she is better off. Life is simple but women are complicated and they are hard work. I will never accept that my wife gave up on me without even coming to me to tell me she was struggling. 

My real problem is after so many years together how someone can walk out the door and just move on without any contact I guess; its as if she erased me?
We have a daughter of 21 who stayed with me but as time has gone on our relationship seems more strained, she now lies to me about seeing her mother even though I have always told her she should be seeing her.
My life seems unreal to me now but Im moving on slowly each day; finding a hobby is good place to start and try to make new friends although that isnt so easy. Funny how everyone I knew as a friend before I never have any contact with now.
Women are complicated creatures !


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BIllyB,

The more she withheld sex, the more you loved her.

Ok bro.

Whatever works for you.


----------



## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

I can commiserate with you Billy. Similar age, years married, Shyt, even the dates are similar! Mine was January 1, 2012, the perfect way to start a year! Ha ha.

I am still in the process of rebuilding, but with more dedication than ever. I can't say I've gotten over it because that awful feeling still creeps up more often than I'd like. My solution? Exercise when it does. I find it's a great way to clear the mind and get back on track.

I too need to build that social life again, but its baby steps. Conrad said it right in another thread, its about Focus. I know I've lost it far too many times over the last 1.5 years. This time I won't.

Oh and as for the sex, use that as a learning experience. You make sure that the next one always puts out!


----------



## billyboy111 (Jan 26, 2012)

Thx for the replies
Just want to clarify something about the sex life
When you spend so many years with someone you tend to get used to things as they are even when you dont accept them. You live in hope that with time things will improve. The ultimate torment is when you love someone and find them attractive and they dont see you in the same way.
Its hard to explain to someone who hasnt been there.
Yes it was the rot within that pulled us apart and in the end it became an intorelable situation.
She gave up and left; she said she was tired of everything but in fact she was tired of the constant nagging from me about sex.
Was I stupid for staying with her all those years? I dont know but what I can say is I loved my wife absolutely. Sex was just one part of who we where. Unfortunately it was the part that came to dominate the relationship.


----------



## billyboy111 (Jan 26, 2012)

Has anyone had their partner walk and not make any further contact with them since?
Im not waiting for her anymore although like Alpha I still have crappy days but its more about whats to come rather than what has passed.

Conrad
We are all different and our life experiences and relationships are also different.

What is uncannily the same is way most relationships end. The things they say and do to us seem to come from the pages of some manual.

I think I love you but Im not in love with you
Can we be friends
I see you as my brother rather than my husband
I never told you because you wouldnt have listened
Ive felt like this for a long time.

The cold glazed eyes
The sudden super *****
The not wanting to talk the issues over
The self pity they feel
The way they manipulate friends and family to see them as the victim of the piece

It goes on but Im sure you will have seen and heard some of these things.


----------

