# Over divorce... now facing the fact he wants to take alimony away



## Bluebirdie

Have been away for a while. Got over my divorce... is incredible how time can heal and now when I look back, I can´t believe how 23 years went by without realizing marriage was broken way before.

Life goes on, and I like mine... but since last February when I got a call from my ex to tell me he was in a relationship, it has been a headache. Kids are 26 and 24 so the alimony I peacefully and legally got was just for me... he says he is almost broken and doesnt feel it is ok to work to feed me :surprise:

Has any of you been through something like this?

I don´t like getting the money with that attitude, so plan to finish my school year in November and look for a job to get prepared and study on Saturdays, don´t want to leave my career, but in the meantime, I need to act. Is sad, never saw it coming after an amicable divorce...


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## EleGirl

You might do well to talk to an attorney before you do anything. 

My thought is that it's best for you to not start any court action if he is still paying you the alimony that the court ordered. Let him be the one who goes to court. If you file before he does, you are bringing it to court where it could be changed. Don't go to court unless your ex files.

But as an attorney what your best options are.


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## Wolf1974

What does the existing divorce decree say? In my state alimony comes with time limits is that true in your state? If he knows it's the end of the time limit why would he need to go to court it should just end? Or are you saying he is under order to pay but wants to amend it due to loss of income?


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## Bluebirdie

Plan is to start working and tell him then to lower it or perhaps it can happen that he can take it away... wish I can say that one day to him and detach once and for all...


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## Ynot

I am not an attorney, so take what I have to say with a grain of salt or two - I am sure some legal eagle somewhere would disagree. In fact I think most of them would.
But just let it go. While you may feel you deserve the alimony. All it does is keep you dependent on him for your livelihood (at least some of it).
Why prolong the struggle? Why waste money and time on attorneys and court battles? Get on with your life. In the end he will be the one who has to live with his actions.


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## Wolf1974

Bluebirdie said:


> Already talked to 2 attorneys since Feb. The divorce decree says it ends until I get married or die... which I dont expect happens soon.
> 
> In my country, the law is that if he presents a petition to lower it to lower or end it, judge analyzes the statements and can order a temporary lower alimony in the meantime I respond. If I present a request for an increase, same happens. So prefer to present mine and wait for this to happen so that I can tell ex that it is not my intention to increase but to end this once for all or we can continue the process and it can get worse for him.
> 
> Plan is to start working and tell him then to lower it or perhaps it can happen that he can take it away... wish I can say that one day to him and detach once and for all...


Holy crap lifetime alimony? Glad I live where I live then


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## Evinrude58

Of course! Shouldn't he make sure she never has to work for the rest of her life?geez, isn't that fair?
Lifetime alimony??? 
A man would have to be an idiot to marry a woman these days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

So you're saying that because your ex husband doesn't want to continue to support you for the rest of your life, you can't have a good relationship with him?? Wow.

Did you divorce him, or did he divorce you?


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## Bluebirdie

LOL, sorry, I think I didnt explain myself well... this was the agreement when we divorced.


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## Cooper

Support for life after a long term marriage is that uncommon, I think in my state every three years of marriage equals one year of support. There are scenarios where life time support may be appropriate but absolutely not if the ex spouse has the ability to work and support themselves. Heck you can educate yourself with an associates degree in two years and land a decent paying job!

OP if you had proven vested interest in the "companies" you should have cashed out and taken the money, and I can't believe a lawyer didn't advise you that. Basing a life time income off of a business is crazy, on your part and on your ex's part, way to many 'what if possibilities", I'm not going to bother listing the scenarios that come to mind. 

I'm guessing you are being a little deceptive with us, I don't believe your life time alimony has anything to do with the "companies". I believe because you were married a long time and and feel you played your role as wife/mother/partner you think you deserve a life time income, more like you retired than divorced. 

My advise would be to plan for the worst case scenario, if the companies fail and he goes into bankruptcy it doesn't matter what your divorce decree states about support, you can't squeeze money out of nothing. Right now you know this is going to become an issue, he has already told you something needs to change, you mention one of the companies is already in trouble.

Personally I think you should renegotiate for a lump sum payment, or some other tangible asset such as more property. I would rather have the money in hand than fight and worry for the rest of my life.


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## Bluebirdie

Thank Cooper for your advice. I was thinking last 2 days about talking to him about your last paragraph. 
Thanks!!!


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## 3Xnocharm

Don't do anything until he either doesn't pay or makes a move to take you to court.


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## BetrayedDad

Wolf1974 said:


> Holy crap lifetime alimony? Glad I live where I live then


Unless the spouse is permanently disabled, then being forced to pay an able bodied person to sit on their butt is a disgrace.

He should pay until she is educated and able to enter the workforce (at most 4 years for a bachelors degree).

He should even have to pay half for the schooling but after that? Then its just legal robbery.


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## wilson

Bluebirdie said:


> I don´t like getting the money with that attitude, so plan to finish my school year in November and look for a job to get prepared and study on Saturdays, don´t want to leave my career, but in the meantime, I need to act. Is sad, never saw it coming after an amicable divorce...


Can you clarify your current school/work situation? I'm not sure I understand. You say you want to finish the school year, but then also mention leaving your career. Why would you have to give up your career? It seems like you need to keep working.


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## Wolf1974

BetrayedDad said:


> Unless the spouse is permanently disabled, then being forced to pay an able bodied person to sit on their butt is a disgrace.
> 
> He should pay until she is educated and able to enter the workforce (at most 4 years for a bachelors degree).
> 
> He should even have to pay half for the schooling but after that? Then its just legal robbery.


I think it should be capped at 1 year max. Thankfully nothing I ever had or ever will deal with


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## sokillme

BetrayedDad said:


> Unless the spouse is permanently disabled, then being forced to pay an able bodied person to sit on their butt is a disgrace.
> 
> He should pay until she is educated and able to enter the workforce (at most 4 years for a bachelors degree).
> 
> He should even have to pay half for the schooling but after that? Then its just legal robbery.



I think this depends on the persons age. If she is older marriage and expectations on her were different then today. i don't think it is fair to someone who is in there 60's to tell them they have to enter the working world when they have no training and career. This is quite hard to do at 60. 

Life was very different when they got married so expectations should be different. Today I agree with you. But this also depends on if the person was SAH if they were then they need time to get back on their feet. I don't think forever though.


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## WorkingOnMe

BetrayedDad said:


> Unless the spouse is permanently disabled, then being forced to pay an able bodied person to sit on their butt is a disgrace.
> 
> 
> 
> He should pay until she is educated and able to enter the workforce (at most 4 years for a bachelors degree).
> 
> 
> 
> He should even have to pay half for the schooling but after that? Then its just legal robbery.




If she's getting paid she should have to do his laundry and cooking or something.


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## BetrayedDad

WorkingOnMe said:


> If she's getting paid she should have to do his laundry and cooking or something.


If the spouse was a stay at home mom with a high school education, he has at least SOME responsibility to get her on her feet after they break up.

It's not fair that he asked her to throw her career away to raise their kids while he climbed the corporate ladder. He bears some responsibility for that at least.

But lifetime alimony? That's bullsh!t. He helps her get an education or a fulltime job. Then it's adios.... At least that's what seems fair to me.

I agree with an age limit too someone mentioned. If you divorce after retirement age, you have to give her something to live besides social security crumbs.


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## poida

She gets half or more already and she is an adult without parenting responsibilities.

Why does she need or deserve alimony at all?

Get a job!


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## BetrayedDad

poida said:


> She gets half or more already and she is an adult without parenting responsibilities.
> 
> Why does she need or deserve alimony at all?


Well, why should she have to live off half the assets of the she got in the divorce he doesn't? 

That doesn't seem fair. He has a steady income stream which he spend years building up, she needs to acquire one too.



poida said:


> Get a job!


That's the idea! 

He needs to get her on her feet. Nothing more. Some SAHMs have high school degrees and haven't worked in 20+ years. Do you expect them to live off minimum wage? 

Give someone a fish they will eat for a day. Teach them how to fish and they will eat for a lifetime.


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## Ralph Bellamy

Give someone a fish they will eat for a day. Teach them how to fish and they will eat for a lifetime.[/QUOTE]

Give someone a poison fish, they will eat for a lifetime


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## Lloyd Dobler

Ynot said:


> I am not an attorney, so take what I have to say with a grain of salt or two - I am sure some legal eagle somewhere would disagree. In fact I think most of them would.
> But just let it go. While you may feel you deserve the alimony. All it does is keep you dependent on him for your livelihood (at least some of it).
> Why prolong the struggle? Why waste money and time on attorneys and court battles? Get on with your life. In the end he will be the one who has to live with his actions.


I agree with what @Ynot is saying here, and I've got a little perspective on this because my parents divorced when I was in my 20s. My Dad had to pay lifetime alimony to my Mom, and this was the bitter string that kept them somehow tethered until pretty much the day my Dad died. I don't know if the OP is in Massachusetts, but that's where my parents lived and my Dad was beyond bitter at the courts and my mother, and after the divorce it colored the relationship between him and my siblings for a long, long time. Initially he could pay (he was in a well-paid medical profession) the alimony with no problems, but he kept getting remarried and divorced and that eventually took a toll on his finances so things kind of snowballed. Eventually, he just stopped paying the alimony because by then he had health issues and an overseas part-time wife to whom he sent all the money he could. I know it bothered my Mom, but she correctly figured that taking him back to court probably wouldn't make any difference because he had so little money by then.

OP, if you can figure a way to plan to make yourself self-sufficient, I think you'll be better off in the long run rather than being tied to your Ex for money. Just my 2 cents, and I make no judgments on the lifetime alimony agreement.


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## estes

poida said:


> She gets half or more already and she is an adult without parenting responsibilities.
> 
> Why does she need or deserve alimony at all?
> 
> Get a job!


Alimony is intended (for the most part) to be rehabilitative, for the spouse who has forgone a career to raise children or has been a stay at home "homemaker". In a typical scenario, the husband has a job, will continue to have a job and doesn't have to go around looking for employment and starting at square one like the wife will.


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## poida

Well then perhaps my issue is with women who LEAVE their partner and there should be legal difference in that respect. 

I mean, how is it that a woman who LEAVES a man can be ENTITLED to anything in his future - including income.

That's where I think men get the raw deal.

Where kids below 18 are involved, well that's a different story, but that wasn't the topic of this thread.


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## Spotthedeaddog

Bluebirdie said:


> Kids are 26 and 24 so the alimony I peacefully and legally got was just for me... he says he is almost broken and doesnt feel it is ok to work to feed me :surprise:
> 
> Has any of you been through something like this?
> 
> I don´t like getting the money with that attitude, so plan to finish my school year in November and look for a job to get prepared and study on Saturdays, don´t want to leave my career, but in the meantime, I need to act. Is sad, never saw it coming after an amicable divorce...



The marriage is over - why should you expect _anything_, even money from him


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## poida

spotthedeaddog said:


> The marriage is over - why should you expect _anything_, even money from him


That;s how it used to be and it forced both men and women to work harder on their marriages - that's for sure.

I mean really, what incentive does a woman have to stay with a man these days. Absolutely none. She is in fact better off financially if she leaves.


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## southbound

poida said:


> Well then perhaps my issue is with women who LEAVE their partner and there should be legal difference in that respect.
> 
> I mean, how is it that a woman who LEAVES a man can be ENTITLED to anything in his future - including income.
> 
> That's where I think men get the raw deal.
> 
> Where kids below 18 are involved, well that's a different story, but that wasn't the topic of this thread.


This may not apply to the OPs situation, but I agree. If a woman decides to leave a husband who hasn't cheated, abused, or anything of that nature because she thinks the grass is greener somewhere else, then why should she get anything? Let her go enjoy the green grass. 

One of my x wife's complaints near the end was that I focused too much on money management. Near the end, she wanted to adopt the attitude that the best things in life are free and the old "you can't take it with you" idea when it was in her favor, but I notice she didn't turn any money down that she got from the divorce, and she didn't turn down child support; she seemed to like money pretty well when it was being handed to her.


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## Bananapeel

poida said:


> That;s how it used to be and it forced both men and women to work harder on their marriages - that's for sure.
> 
> I mean really, what incentive does a woman have to stay with a man these days. Absolutely none. She is in fact better off financially if she leaves.


That's actually not true. Women tend to be financially worse off than men after divorce, especially if they have kids. There are lots of statistics backing this up and my personal experience supports it as well.


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## EleGirl

poida said:


> That;s how it used to be and it forced both men and women to work harder on their marriages - that's for sure.
> 
> I mean really, what incentive does a woman have to stay with a man these days. Absolutely none. She is in fact better off financially if she leaves.


Today, alimony is paid in only about 15% of divorces. And it's usually short term, rehabilitative alimony. The average about of alimony is about $300 a month.

So it seems that in most divorces, alimony does not even enter in the equation. And no most women are not better off financially after divorce. Most men are.


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## Scannerguard

I think lifetime alimony has always been a bad concept but sometimes SOMETIMES it is appropriate. The example? A cardiothoracic surgeon marries a medical assistant and they have a marriage for 30 years and then he decides he wants a young hottie.

Why can't she just support herself, men cry? Um, she gave up everything to devote herself to the partnership, that's why. He gets to stay in the Mansion on Snobgrass Hills and she gets an apartment on the other side of the tracks? No.

And I am a man saying this.

That said, I am more of fan of "restitution alimony" because of what the other person said - you are "tethered" to this person the rest of your life. When money exchanges hands on a weekly/monthly basis, it's just room for so many problems.

I would explore WITH YOUR ATTORNEY the idea of converting the lifetime alimony into restitution.

ADVANTAGE: YOU.

I'll tell you why you are at an advantage and the guy's replies here back me up. . .men just want out. They resent that monthly check so much. They'll pony up, maybe to your advantage to let him go. So think of what his lifetime payout to you may be, make an offer where you could invest it and come out nearly even or maybe even a little ahead. (start negotiations there- ahead).

This is just a business transaction, nothing more. But no, any attorney worth his/her salt is not going to just let you walk away because he wants to call a wahhhhhmbulance. Bad decision.

Be a Master Negotiator. Like Trump.  (who men tend to adore) And be ready to walk. Always be ready to walk.


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## poida

EleGirl said:


> Today, alimony is paid in only about 15% of divorces. And it's usually short term, rehabilitative alimony. The average about of alimony is about $300 a month.
> 
> So it seems that in most divorces, alimony does not even enter in the equation. And no most women are not better off financially after divorce. *Most men are*.


Alright, I agree NOBODY is better off.
Once you fire-sale assets and then pay taxes to buy new houses, nobody wins.


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