# In-Laws Coming To U.S.



## WordsofAffirmation (Mar 25, 2019)

My in-laws have been waiting for their immigration paperwork to come through for the last few years. Last year, it finally came through. My wife and I were asked to join her family on a Skype conversation. Each member of the family was asked by her Dad to share their opinion on if himself, his wife, and youngest son should move to the United States. My wife and I were of a similar opinion. We told him we would love to have them but that finances and their lack of English would make coming to the United States challenging. The final decision was that they would move here to the United States. The Dad then looked at me sternly and asked me in Spanish, "Will you be able to help us with finances if we asked?" I don't remember my response but I know I didn't say, "Yes". Her Dad is sometimes very controlling and demanding. My wife feels indebted to her folks as they made many financial sacrifices to help put her through college. She wants to help them and I want to help her with this. Like me though, she knows this would be a huge financial commitment and is unsure of how we'd be able to help. Many members of my wife's family have gone to another part of the United States where her grandparents are. These members are financially provided for and have a place to stay. But her grandparent's place is getting crowded so my wife thinks there's a high chance we'll be asked to help with finances. I was told they were coming over with no money. We're not poor but we are just breaking even with finances. When this was first brought up last year, I thought we would just help with some of the expenses. My wife now tells me that we would be helping her family with everything if they decided to move where we're at. This would include rides everywhere, food, apartment rent, job searching, just to name a few. They have trouble with navigating the English world. They've called us asking for help in resolving bank issues, knowing how to use a gift card, and booking flights. I don't think it's reasonable asking a young couple that's just getting by financially to pick up additional expenses. I love my in-laws but I am not sure how to handle this situation appropriately. Neither is my wife but I think she's leaning towards helping them no matter what. I'm not sure who to talk to. My wife doesn't want me bringing this situation up with my parents here in town. But I feel strongly I need to get some advice and not wait. What would you all do? Thanks for hearing me out


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## WordsofAffirmation (Mar 25, 2019)

My in-laws have been waiting on their immigration paperwork to come through for years. Their sponsors are my wife's grandparents here in the states. My wife's home country has had some political unrest in recent years but not enough where they are in imminent danger. 

Last year, my wife's Dad called a meeting via Skype with us and all members of the family. We were asked what our thoughts were on them immigrating to the U.S. and leaving everything behind in their home country. My wife and I were the outliers in our opinion. We both agreed it'd be great to have them close by but also it would be difficult for them to find employment as neither of my wife's parents are fluent in English. We advised against it. 

It was decided that my father-in-law, mother-in-law, and their son would immigrate to the states as soon as their paperwork wrapped up. Suddenly, my father-in-law looked sternly at the camera and asked in Spanish, "Would you be able to financially support us if we needed it?" I don't remember what I said but I know I didn't say, "Yes". My father-in-law can sometimes be controlling and demanding.

My wife gets really stressed when he comes to visit us. The first plan was for my in-laws to come over to stay with my wife's grandparents where they'd have a place to stay and all finances covered. Several of my in-laws have been sponsored by my wife's grandparents and are staying at their place, all expenses paid. But my wife's grandparents are running out of room and I imagine with all their relatives staying there financially depleted. My wife told me her Dad expected us to pay all their financial expenses as they were coming over with nothing. Keep in mind her Mom and Dad both have full-time jobs but I don't know how much of their salaries have been spent on other expenses.

My wife feels indebted to helping her parents as they made a lot of sacrifices to put her through college. But, like me, she doesn't know how we'd be able to help with finances. We are just making ends meet. I think it's unreasonable to expect a young couple to pay for an additional apartment, all the meals, giving rides everywhere, and also looking for employment that will accept non-English speakers where English is the primary language to name a few.

I see such an obligation putting my wife and I in debt. Plus we would also have to give up on many of our dreams. Perhaps postponing when we have kids. My wife doesn't want me talking to my folks about this to ask for advice. She isn't sure what to do either. I am okay with helping with what we can afford but I think it's unreasonable for in-laws to expect a couple that just started out to pay for all their expenses. I love my in-laws but this situation has been stressing me and my wife out. What would be the best way to handle this?


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Tell them you can NOT do it.

Then DON'T do it!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I hate it when people say that they don't want someone to talk about their problems with someone they love. Look, you are having a serious issue and you need to talk to someone you trust. Talk to your parents. No one should tell you not to seek wise counsel. That's a problem right there. 

You know you can't get an apartment for your in-laws. Do not allow them to think that you are going to pay for them to come and live here. If they get angry then so be it. They are making unreasonable demands on you. You don't have to explain that you are young, etc. That is not the issue here. The issue is that they are making demands on you. They aren't asking for something and being willing to take no for an answer. They somehow believe they are entitled to be supported by you and your wife. That is nonsense. 

What are they doing to learn English? What kind of jobs might they be able to find here? Being bilingual can be an asset in many jobs. I would stress that they need to be working asap.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Also, when you start to explain yourself you have lost. You do not have to explain your decision. You could give them something like, "We cannot afford to support you." That's it. You don't have to give them a reason or a budget for goodness sakes. They are adults. They understand. They just don't want to face reality. 

It is also concerning that the grandparents have a bunch of unemployed people living with them. Those people should be working rather than living off their relatives. If your in-laws think that's how it works you will be supporting them for the rest of their lives.

They made these decisions without your agreement. Then they expect you to pay for their decisions. That is not okay. When they paid for your wife to go to college, they did that as parents and I doubt she somehow forced them into it or made a promise to financially support them.

Some people think all Americans are loaded. Is that what's going on here? Do they think you are rich?

Do not get an apartment for them. Just no.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> My wife told me her Dad expected us to pay all their financial expenses as they were coming over with nothing.


Do you mind telling us what country you live in; what the ethnicity if all involved is and from what country your in laws are emigrating?



> My wife doesn't want me talking to my folks about this to ask for advice.


Speak directly with them. You want to know what they have been promised and what they expect. You also want them to know in no uncertain terms how you feel.


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

You rent an apartment? And will have to rent an apartment for them, as well? Sounds like a swell plan - if you want everybody to be homeless, fastest.

Como se dice en espanol, no? Just tell them no. What are they going to do, come to your apartment and...

Oh, wait.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

One complication is that different cultures have different expectations for how much the children should support their parents. In traditional Western culture, the parents typically expect little or no support from their children. But other cultures can be different. In the cultures where the parents expect a lot of support from their children, they may spend a lot more of their resources on their children with the expectation that they will get support later. That is, rather than save for retirement, they use the money for their kids education, housing, job search, marriage, etc. so that the kids are well off years later when the parents need to be supported. If their daughter now says that she won't support them, they may be somewhat justified in saying they spent all that money on her education and whatever so that she would be in a position to help them out.


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

wilson said:


> One complication is that different cultures have different expectations for how much the children should support their parents. In traditional Western culture, the parents typically expect little or no support from their children. But other cultures can be different. In the cultures where the parents expect a lot of support from their children, they may spend a lot more of their resources on their children with the expectation that they will get support later. *That is, rather than save for retirement, they use the money for their kids education, housing, job search, marriage, etc. so that the kids are well off years later when the parents need to be supported.* If their daughter now says that she won't support them, they may be somewhat justified in saying they spent all that money on her education and whatever so that she would be in a position to help them out.


Even presuming that the OP was made aware of this going in, they are just getting started. They are in no position to fully support this family. Not help, completely support. The OP states that the FIL and MIL are both well employed in his wife's country-of-origin. Sounds like her parents want to retire early, and be near any future grandkids, which I'm sure they will be pushing for soon enough.

The OP gives in on this, his FIL will be calling the shots until the marriage ends or one of them dies.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You are twenty nine and have been married for one year. 
This Skype call was last year which meant that when you were married for only a matter of months your wife and her parents made it clear that you were expected to house and support her parents financially.Your wife also tried to prevent you from discussing this arrangement with any of your own family. 
This is a classic bait and switch if ever there was one. 
You didn’t say what ages her parents were but unless you want to spend the rest of your life supporting your in-laws then you have some tough decisions to make.
Your wife is not acting in your interests here,she is behaving as her parents tell her to. 
DO NOT TRUST YOUR WIFE IN THIS SITUATION.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This will probably not go well.

There's a British expression for people who have nothing. "potless."

So, if your in-laws are potless, how are they going to support themselves? Medical insurance, housing, food, utilities, etc?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> This will probably not go well.
> 
> There's a British expression for people who have nothing. "potless."
> 
> So, if your in-laws are potless, how are they going to support themselves? Medical insurance, housing, food, utilities, etc?


There’s another British expression Matt. 
“Taking the piss”
And that’s what’s going on here.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Andy1001 said:


> There’s another British expression Matt.
> “Taking the piss”
> And that’s what’s going on here.


How about...... "trying it on."


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Will they actually be permitted to move there with no money behind them? Many countries just wouldn't permit that unless they had very well off family members who could fully support them for a long time. They clearly haven't got that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> There’s another British expression Matt.
> “Taking the piss”
> And that’s what’s going on here.


:iagree:


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## WordsofAffirmation (Mar 25, 2019)

This has been a major issue in our marriage. My wife gets really upset when I talk with my parents about issues we are having. I don't share everything with them. But there's just some issues I need some extra advice on. She got really upset when I've talked with them after we got broken into ($2,000 worth of items stolen, we had only been married for four months), working out vacation plans, immigration case difficulties, how to control an unruly dog, getting my first job as a teacher and neutering our dog to name a few things. In my wife's defense, sometimes my parents can be forceful in their opinions on what to do. During those times, she feels I don't trust her and that she's not an equal teammate. She constantly stresses to me the importance of turning to her first, not my folks. I've tried explaining to her and I always try to stress how I do value her input but just need advice on some tough issues. I have to get permission from her on what I share with my folks. She's told me she doesn't have that type of relationship with her parents and doesn't understand why I like to keep in close contact with my parents. But she's learned to accept that I enjoy staying in touch with him, not so much on turning to them for advice. 

It's hard to tell if my in-laws think I'm rich. I'm certainly not as a teacher  

Her parents are in their early 50's. That's scary to think about insurance as well! I don't think they've thought that far. I thought the same thing too that they needed money to support themselves and not just move penniless. I don't think the USCIS would allow that but I could be wrong. They are coming from Central America. I know my mother-in-law has been taking English classes and my father-in-law has attempted. My wife doesn't have high hopes for them to become fluent. I'm at a loss for what jobs they could do but I know they'd be willing to do anything. 

I plan on just telling them no.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Have you checked out resources in the Hispanic community? Community center, perhaps some advisory organization. That might provide some support.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

WordsofAffirmation said:


> My wife gets really upset when I talk with my parents about issues we are having. I don't share everything with them. But there's just some issues I need some extra advice on. She got really upset when I've talked with them after we got broken into ($2,000 worth of items stolen, we had only been married for four months), working out vacation plans, immigration case difficulties, how to control an unruly dog, getting my first job as a teacher and neutering our dog to name a few things. In my wife's defense, sometimes my parents can be forceful in their opinions on what to do. During those times, she feels I don't trust her and that she's not an equal teammate. She constantly stresses to me the importance of turning to her first, not my folks. I've tried explaining to her and I always try to stress how I do value her input but just need advice on some tough issues. I have to get permission from her on what I share with my folks. She's told me she doesn't have that type of relationship with her parents and doesn't understand why I like to keep in close contact with my parents. But she's learned to accept that I enjoy staying in touch with him, not so much on turning to them for advice.


I am the same as your wife on this sorry. My inlaws are overbearing, interfering and have never liked me (or hubby's first wife). I won't let him discuss ANYTHING about me, us, our marriage or our private business with them. Nothing.

Sure, ask them for advice about the dog, a new car, or an insurance question no worries. Talk about the weather, his work, what they're up to. But do NOT discuss me or our business with them. EVER.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes. Just say no. You are in no position to be guarantors. 

DO NOT sign anything!

Tell them that you are not made of gold.

They will, and in fact already are, compromising your marriage.

Some nerve!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Sorry man but here is the deal:

You can not win no matter what you do. There is absolutely no win/win in this situation. 

Your in-laws are putting you and your wife at the risk of compromising your plans for .....well....life.

I would take the hard line of .....NO...I will not do that.

In that case you will not have to speak with your parents and upset your wife.....and you will better secure your marriage future.

It's a hard thing ..... but that's what I would do.


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