# New, and an unusual problem



## laara

Good morning marriage community. I'm new to this forum and signed on to get feedback on my unusual problem. I thought all was well with my husband of almost 16 years, despite the long standing issue I've wrestled with regarding him being mostly unemployed. I work hard and have been blessed with my company so I've accepted that I cannot change him, and pay for pretty much everything. 

My problem is that last night he had a Freudian slip and said to my son I was going to die soon anyway. Ok, I'm 50 but am in good shape, and am usually told I look 40, and in fact I've always been concerned about his weight, as he is morbidly obese so his statement is not based on fact. Could it truly be a Freudian slip and he wishes me dead?

I thought we were happy, and felt crushed when his only response to his slip was lol, I meant dye your hair.


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## Married but Happy

Without the conversational context, how can we know he _didn't _mean dye your hair?


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## laara

Conversational context: my son was helping us paint our daughters room and said he was worried about getting paint on my hair, my husbands exact words were "don't worry she's going to die soon anyway".


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## SecondTime'Round

laara said:


> Conversational context: my son was helping us paint our daughters room and said he was worried about getting paint on my hair, my husbands exact words were "don't worry she's going to die soon anyway".


I think he probably meant "dye it soon anyway." Do you dye your hair? Does it need a touch-up?


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## laara

I dye my hair once a month or so and right now don't need a touch up. Part of my issue is his minimal response, which I base on what I would say I guess.


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## SecondTime'Round

laara said:


> I dye my hair once a month or so and right now don't need a touch up. *Part of my issue is his minimal response, which I base on what I would say I guess.*


I'm not sure what you mean by this.


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## GTdad

laara said:


> Conversational context: my son was helping us paint our daughters room and said he was worried about getting paint on my hair, my husbands exact words were "don't worry she's going to die soon anyway".


It seems pretty clear from the context that your H was talking about you dyeing your hair soon, and not you dying soon. 

The fact that that's not clear to you suggests that there is something going on in your marriage besides his chronic unemployment, but if that's the case, you need to give us more information.


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## laara

perhaps my inability to say a cigar is sometimes just a cigar, stems from our long standing disparity of income and concern that I feel used often and see the ultimate being used as marrying someone and waiting for them to die to get their money.


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## arbitrator

*My educated guess is that he was simply teasing you because he loves you ~ and nothing more!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad

laara said:


> perhaps my inability to say a cigar is sometimes just a cigar, stems from our long standing disparity of income and concern that I feel used often and see the ultimate being used as marrying someone and waiting for them to die to get their money.


Got it; this is helpful and I can see where you're coming from.

You probably feel pretty resentful, and maybe feel like you're little more than your husband's ATM machine. That's perfectly understandable. But that level of resentment can be a marriage killer. That's understandable too, and I wonder if this guy brings anything to the marriage that makes the marriage worth staying in. 

Only you can decide that, and although I wouldn't blame you for saying "enough is enough", it may be helpful to see a marriage counselor who can help both of you, or at least you, work through your feelings and goals.


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## laara

He does joke around a lot but this was not one of those situations, starkly differentiated by his awkward handling of the situation. I also have a masters degree and am working on my doctorate, and in my work facilitating organizational development do well with reading into the nuances of behaviour. I realize my skills are compromised in close relationships but do very much appreciate this opportunity to get everyone's feedback.


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## brooklynAnn

If you feel that he is thinking about you dying or wishing that you'd die. Maybe, it's time to get the hell out of this marriage. Or, change your beneficiaries on your insurance and make a new will. Don't tell him you are doing this. 
Sleep with one eye open. I have a friend her husband tried to strangle her while she was sleeping. When that didn't work, he open a propane bottle in the basement. She called 911, then they start taking her seriously.

I think it was a slip of the tongue. He meant dye not die. LOL.


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## laara

Thank you for digging a little deeper. He does make me happy, he does bring a lot, and I do not feel this is a marriage breaker. In talking it out I think I'm hurt by his poor apology that was inconsistent with how often/much he says he loves me.


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## laara

Good point about my will, which had listed him as a beneficiary with our kids. At the very least it will make me feel better to make sure it's all in trust for my kids.


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## EleGirl

laara said:


> Good point about my will, which had listed him as a beneficiary with our kids. At the very least it will make me feel better to make sure it's all in trust for my kids.


You will most likely need to see a lawyer on this. There is usually a certain amount that passes to one's spouse upon death. And then you can give the rest to whomever you choose.

If you live in a community property state, and even some of the other ones, half of the marital estate is already your husband's. Your estate is only half of that.

There are also laws about whether or not you can change your insurance beneficiary from your husband to your children. 

If your husband is beneficiary of your insurance, there is no estate tax on the proceeds because he's considered half owner of the policy since it was paid with martial income.

If your children are beneficiary, and you own the policy, it could create a situation in which the proceeds pass through your estate first and are taxed. This is because they are not owners. 

You could look into an Irrevocable Life Insurance Trust. Its' set up so that the trust owns and pays the insurance premium. When you die, the trust gets the payout and then distributes it to your children per the trust documents.

Nothing is easy anymore.:frown2:


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## laara

Thank you. My sister is a lawyer so it's not too difficult to rework that part. 

Update: my husband is now apologizing for handling it all so poorly, and I will ponder how to address my long standing issue of having challenges with having to be the bread winner in the family. 

Odd that the trend is most women are now the bread winners in North America and there is so little discussion/support/recognition for women taking on this role (as well as having kids, cleaning, etc.).


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