# What to do next



## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

So how do people start again? What is the first small step? I flounder and can’t see any possibilities. I am so hurt and angry.

Summary
I am 64 years old, married 35 years, and was living overseas with my husband untiI a few weeks ago. I loved him and until quite recently, he told me the same every single day. Three weeks ago he bought me a new bike and we paid for a gym membership for me.

A few weeks ago he decided that he didn’t want to be married any more and asked me to leave. Just before I left nine days later, he admitted that he had better options and was in a relationship with an Asian woman, the same age as his child.

I have returned to a house which we had bought and lived in for only eight weeks. It is in a new state, on five acres in a rural area, and we had no community connections here. The house was to have been a retirement project and required extensive renovations, something which we both enjoyed doing. We had already starting demolishing part of the interior.

I have a cousin here who has been extremely supportive, but she has her own problems as she cares for her 38 year old daughter who has had a stroke.

We have three adult children – a son who is desperately trying to not take sides and live 800 kms away; a daughter, who lives in the nearest large city, whose grief is worryingly extreme as she adored him and now refuses any contact with him, and a younger daughter who is extremely unstable with moderately severe BPD. She followed us here and lives in the nearest town
.
My husband says that I can have everything. I have seen a lawyer about initiating a financial settlement, but have since left mail and emails from them unopened. I have no official income as we ‘pooled’ our retirement plan and it is in his name. He ‘allows’ me to draw from this.

We had always led a rather exciting life and I have received email support from many friends, but these are scattered all over the world.

I finally saw a Dr here who told me to be grateful for the happy years as some people never have any. I saw a counselor who gave me a chart of deep breathing exercises. Perhaps I expect too much.

I am up by 5am each day (can’t sleep), work outside for a couple of hours until it is too hot, then by 9am my day sits in front of me. I go to town for essentials but for some reason supermarkets make me cry. I DO NOT want to deliver Meals on Wheels.

It has been 17 days now and I feel that I am going backwards. I allowed myself a two week wallow but I can’t seem to break out of it.

And just as icing on the cake – I have gone from zero to 40 cigarettes per day, after not smoking for over 15 years. I have bought an exercise machine which I am using (smoking does NOT help this).

I always considered myself to be extremely strong and now find that this isn’t so. I do not want to be.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I also found it hard to go the supermarket when my H left us. For some reason, I would get in the car to go the shop, start crying & have to go home again.

Just keep breathing.


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

and the loneliness
how to stand the loneliness
I have never been alone like this before. I've always had kids, friends, family and him. Here there is nothing.
Our days were always so full that I wouldn't know where to start. 
The minutes seem like hours now.


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

Please quit smoking!Why would you listen to a stranger but still I INSIST please quit smoking!

Nobody's actions good or bad define your happiness!
What will you do, when after sometime you will definitely be mentally strong and happy agan, but take up some disease because of this smoking!
I hate SMOKING!Miss Molly first thing is to treat you yourself like a child and take care of your health.
Is there some orphanage,blind people school,etc in your locality.Can you go there and spend some time with them?
Can you take up teaching-online teaching etc.Something constructive.

You do not need anybody to be happy,no children,no husband,noone but a healthy mind;You have not lost anything;
Can you make positive affirmations telling that you wll find your happiness back?Can you do that every moment whenever you seem to be going down;Also concentrate on your breathing;You wont think anything;

Take care.
JMB.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I've always heard that it's at least 2 to 3 years to find your feet again. 

Is your bpd daughter too unstable to live with you? Could she move in until the spring? 

I suppose we can end up alone for many reasons. My mil was widowed at the age of 46. It took her years to build a life again. 

Get every cent you can get, I hope that you have a good attorney. You need to look after your best interests.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

missmolly said:


> and the loneliness
> how to stand the loneliness
> I have never been alone like this before. I've always had kids, friends, family and him. Here there is nothing.
> Our days were always so full that I wouldn't know where to start.
> The minutes seem like hours now.


MissMolly,

Have you exposed his affair with his girlfriend to anyone?


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

I disappeared for a couple of days as I couldn't seem to find the strength to do anything. 
However, I have made a Dr's appointment for tomorrow to get started on a quit smoking programme. Thanks JMB, I needed your advice. 

I will start cleaning up the mess that my home has become since I started trashing my husband's belongings. I have shredded every photo, destroyed the contents of most of his filing cabinet, and turned a ten book copy of his PhD thesis into about 10,000 pieces. Qhite a mess really. I have also discovered a side of myself which I had hidden even from myself.
Conrad, I exposed him to all our friends and family in Australia and Europe, but I don't know people at this locality as we had lived here for only eight weeks before moving overseas. And that was a hectic time, unpacking then repacking to move again.

I know nothing of his life or new 'friend', only that he has moved out of the house in which we were living. He says he has moved into a small apartment by himself, but who knows.
I have not done anything about his workplace - yet. He is cooperating with our financial settlement which I have commenced(says i can have everything), and until that is in place, it is to my benefit to appear to be agreeable and keep him employed. 
I also hesitate for another reason there. I actually believe in what he is trying to achieve and think he is doing a good job. On that front I can't fault him.

We are in constant contact by email and he has even apologised a couple of times. I ignore him mainly and resist the urge to tell him where to put his apologies. That will keep.

He is coming home for 3 weeks on the 21st, he will close up some walls which we had removed as this house was to have been a retirement renovation project. I initially told him that he could stay in his shed, but given that it will be midsummer and our days sit around 40 degrees C, even I am not that mean. He can stay in the other end of the house. 

I know this will be a difficult time for me, but I am not sorting through his stuff (what's left of it) and I am not paying builders when he can do the work. I intend to crack a mean whip. 

It will be a bleak Christmas in this house. Both girls refuse to be here with him and my son will visit and help with the building.


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

:smthumbup: I am happy;you are going to quit it now;1st step,good step really;

For me too,throwing or tearing any of the belongings of the ex has become like a part-time hobby;I see it,get hold of it ,then  i throw it;And in the end all i feel is :lol: good.

Take care of yourself;You are precious;I tell this to myself, - am precious.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Are you not sleeping well?


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Amazing how shallow people are. Throw a young girl at a man and they will throw everything away for it. Stories like this make me lose all hope for humanity. I'm sure he's telling himself 'you only live once' or other B.S. to make himself feel better about being a selfish jerk.

Yeah you only live once so why live a honorable good life when you can get some young tail. Blah. Just makes me sick. That Asian women will probably take all of his money and leave him hanging.

Sorry had to rant a little.

The only words of advice I can give you is to try and be positive and get through this. I know a thing or two about loneliness when you find your whole life turned upside and no one around to even speak with. Of course you can always come here and will find some people to listen and sometimes cheer you up when you least expect it.


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

Bellavista said:


> Are you not sleeping well?


No Bella, sleep eludes me. The Dr (new to me), gave me a handful of mild sedatives which do nothing, and told me to be grateful for the happy times blah blah blah.

I find my self pacing in the night. I think I walk miles. I figure it is all exercise and will eventually tire me out. 

I have lost 12kgs in 21 days - is this a record?


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## damcel (Nov 27, 2012)

missmolly, one day at a time; you have a strong community here that will support you and lend their ears to listen and shoulders to lean/cry on. Stay strong! Take care of yourself, you matter.


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

missmolly said:


> No Bella, sleep eludes me. The Dr (new to me), gave me a handful of mild sedatives which do nothing, and told me to be grateful for the happy times blah blah blah.
> 
> I find my self pacing in the night. I think I walk miles. I figure it is all exercise and will eventually tire me out.
> 
> I have lost 12kgs in 21 days - is this a record?


yes this is a RECORD.And I need to follow you in this.I am ready to do back-flips to lose 12 kgs in 21 days;Just that whatever I do my weight wont come down -some thyroid issue;:smthumbup:


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