# stand still



## remoursefulwife (Jul 18, 2014)

A little back ground:
About 3 yrs ago I had an affair. It was a one time thing. The husband and I split up almost divorced. We managed to work through it. He came clean about things he done during our separation and we laid it all out on the table. 

Fast forward 3 yrs: 
We're in a good place or so I thought. I've found myself checking behind him. He's picked up on a porn addiction. When I asked him about it he laughed it off said he was bored and said he wouldn't bother it again. Well he lied. He thought deleting search history would remove evidence of him looking at it. He failed to delete Google's search history.

Since then I've been having this feeling like he's hiding something more. He says he isn't and says he has no reason too. I've tried talking to him about it but we just end up in a heated fight and Lord knows I'm tired of fighting. I just feel like I'm at a stand still. What do I do? The weight of what I done is enough to carry on its own I don't think I can carry any thing else.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## dadof2 (May 9, 2014)

remoursefulwife said:


> A little back ground:
> About 3 yrs ago I had an affair. It was a one time thing. The husband and I split up almost divorced. We managed to work through it. He came clean about things he done during our separation and we laid it all out on the table.
> 
> Fast forward 3 yrs:
> ...


What do you define as an "addiction." I don't want to sound crude but most guys, married or not, still watch the occasional porn when the wife isn't around. I would be careful to accuse him of anything major if you had an actual PA. Not that he "deserves" to watch porn after what you did, but you know what they say about people who live in glass houses.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Why were you "checking behind him" if everything was good?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

remoursefulwife said:


> He came clean about things he done during our separation and we laid it all out on the table.


What things? Could be important for us to give you the best advice.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

remoursefulwife said:


> The weight of what I done is enough to carry on its own I don't think I can carry any thing else.


That must be terrible for you. Personally, I would not be in R if this is the way my wayward felt. What he did while separated after her affair and them almost splitting up seems irrelevant, especially if there was no agreement to remain monogamous - an agreement she already had broken.

I'm not saying there isn't a problem here, but how serious is it? There's a difference between looking at porn during a dry spell and looking at it constantly and obsessively. I'd say most people who know their porn don't search Google for it. 

How are other things in the relationship? The biggest red flag I see is his reaction to being confronted: lying, and blowing it up into a fight when cornered. Along with your comment about being tired of fighting all of the time, that doesn't speak to a healthy relationship dynamic.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If he looks at porn once in a while then do you think that what you did was less? 

Now if he's on the computer for hours on end, then you have a real complaint and rightfully so but before you start to point a finger at him, make sure that you have all the facts because you'll only make it worse.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Cabsy said:


> What he did while separated after her affair and them almost splitting up seems irrelevant, *especially if there was no agreement to remain monogamous*


That would have been my second question.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

badmemory said:


> That would have been my second question.


I figured as much. It's kind of built into what you said. Still, she broke the monogamy of their marriage, and it sounds like they were separated and on the verge of divorce. She may hold some resentment about whatever happened, but she doesn't have any high ground to stand on here. 

She didn't have to take him back, and he certainly didn't have to take her back either.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Cabsy said:


> She may hold some resentment about whatever happened, but she doesn't have any high ground to stand on here.


If he had a RA when there was an agreement that they would be monogamous during separation; it does change the dynamics in my opinion.

Not to say that he wouldn't still have the moral high ground since she had the A first; but he wouldn't have as much of it.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

remoursefulwife said:


> A little back ground:
> About 3 yrs ago I had an affair. It was a one time thing. The husband and I split up almost divorced. We managed to work through it. He came clean about things he done during our separation and we laid it all out on the table.
> 
> Fast forward 3 yrs:
> ...


So he lied about watching porn. So what? You lied, cheated and stole from him and maybe he never really got over it and couldn't recover in an honest and meaningful way. While that shows weakness on his part, maybe you're not in such a good place as you thought you once were. 

You sound almost casual about your revolting betrayal of him, like you just dyed your hair a colour he wasn't so keen on.

Probably heaps more to this story than the tiny little bit that you've elaborated on. 

Too little information to help you in a meaningful way. Sorry.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

are you two have normal sexual relations? what are you doing to help in making him feel more engaged with you on emotional and physical level. you may not be his source of happiness that should always rest with the individual but you still maybe his source of pain on an emotional level....and to be fair you your past transgression are your own to handle and deal with on a personal basis in NO WAY should he have to share in that.....there are no transfer of guilt on to him so do not look upon anything he had done while separated ...he separated from you for just cause, so what ever he had done while separated should not be put an any table...this is your punishment for your transgression not his.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

A little back ground:
About 3 yrs ago I had an affair. It was a one time thing. The husband and I split up almost divorced. We managed to work through it. He came clean about things he done during our separation and we laid it all out on the table. 


YOU HAD THE AFFAIR and he came clean after you seperated...IMO whatever he did with whomever and how many is none of your concern...YOU DESTROYED his self esteem and self worth and dare question anything...

The unmitigated gall of cheaters here still amaze me..


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Remorseful wife you are the one wanting to check up on your husband. You cheated. It sounds like he may have had a fling while separated from you. you can give us some more details that would help 

What and how do you define a porn addition?

I would hope he is checking up on you. What are you doing to help him with your betrayl?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

remoursefulwife said:


> A little back ground:
> About 3 yrs ago I had an affair. It was a one time thing.


Just curious... define "one time thing". Are you talking about a "one-night stand" or an affair involving multiple sexual encounters w/ another man?



remoursefulwife said:


> The husband and I split up almost divorced. We managed to work through it. He came clean about things he done during our separation and we laid it all out on the table.


What was the purpose of the separation? To prepare for divorce or to allow for some breathing room for one or the both of you? Were any ground rules set on dating others... for either of you?



remoursefulwife said:


> Fast forward 3 yrs:
> We're in a good place or so I thought. I've found myself checking behind him. He's picked up on a porn addiction. When I asked him about it he laughed it off said he was bored and said he wouldn't bother it again. Well he lied. He thought deleting search history would remove evidence of him looking at it. He failed to delete Google's search history.
> 
> Since then I've been having this feeling like he's hiding something more. He says he isn't and says he has no reason too. I've tried talking to him about it but we just end up in a heated fight and Lord knows I'm tired of fighting. I just feel like I'm at a stand still. What do I do? The weight of what I done is enough to carry on its own I don't think I can carry any thing else.


I'll start w/ this... Any sexual intimacy between the two of you currently? If so, describe the frequency and quality. Are either of you currently wanting (_and_ expressing a desire for) more intimacy from the other?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

It was posted in the other thread that OP started, that her husband slept with someone whilst they were separated.

I can see the problem here is that there is no trust in the marriage.

I think you should get off his back about porn as there is nothing wrong with it. You can't be that morally uptight if you managed to bang another bloke behind your husband's back.

If the only thing you have found in the Google search history, then you have a problem in yourself; this is not a problem that your husband has.

Try having more (or better) sex with him - see if that stops his terrible addiction.

edit/ Who searches for porn on Google anyway? Anyone I know uses Bing, or knows their favourite sites!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey RWife----you have cheated, he is looking at porn----1st thing you both need to do, is to sit down, and figure out what the he*l is wrong with your mge----WHY did you need to cheat, and destroy the mge, why is he needing to look at porn, and not allow the mge, to resume, in what ever shape it is in

If the 2 of you have to cheat on each other----then maybe there shouldn't be a mge---but if the 2 of you are still trying to R this mess---then you HAVE to find out why both of you are so unhappy with things, that you are looking/have looked elsewhere for satisfaction.

As to those above who ripped this woman, she has already stated she F'ed up---she is looking for HELP, not more RIDICULE


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Maybe you are in a toxic relationship. You betray him, he betrays you...

Perhaps it's time to call it quits.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> Maybe you are in a toxic relationship. You betray him, he betrays you...
> 
> Perhaps it's time to call it quits.


I've said it before and bet I say it again, but for a forum that supports marriage there is a remarkable willingness for people to tell people to finish their marriage.

Don't call it quits OP. That you have posted here shows that you care on some level. Talk to your husband more but, really, get off his back about porn. It's a total red herring IMO.


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## remoursefulwife (Jul 18, 2014)

Sorry about the repost.. my phone said this one failed, shoulda checked first I suppose. 

Our 2 yr old some how pulled up some recently viewed pages one morning, and it just so happened to be a BBW porn site. When I asked about it, he laughed and said he was bored. So I shrugged it off. 

The next time, I went to check email and stuff and the history was left up. Curious me went snooping. He had been looking at it while IM IN THE ROOM, before going to work, he leaves for work at 7:30am. There was one night he was up until 2am watching videos. 

When I asked about it, he said it was his way of dealing with what happened 3 yrs back. Yes, I messed up, I know. But he's not innocent. He had a one night stand while we were split up. He said it was out of revenge. 

After we got back together and were working through it, he started having an EA with a mutual friend. When I found out about it, I took it a step further. I'm bisexual as is she. She spent the week with us and showed him no attention. With her there, he was more focused on me then her. He said that he only started that EA to get back at me. 


And the separation, I left. I felt guilty about what had happen, so I packed up and left. It wasn't his choice, it was mine. He was clueless as to why I was leaving. It wasn't until 2 weeks after the fact that he found out why I left.


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## remoursefulwife (Jul 18, 2014)

thatbpguy said:


> Maybe you are in a toxic relationship. You betray him, he betrays you...
> 
> Perhaps it's time to call it quits.


This is the last thing I want. We've already came close to this before. 

I know, porn is a normal thing, but I don't understand the need to hide it. 

maybe part of my worries is my mom ringing in my ear that he's probably screwing around. She's been hellbent on destroying this relationship from day one. 

8 yrs and 2 kids later, she's still at it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Chris989 said:


> It was posted in the other thread that OP started, that her husband slept with someone whilst they were separated.


Again, were there any agreed-upon rules regarding dating during the separation?



Chris989 said:


> I think you should get off his back about porn as there is nothing wrong with it.





Chris989 said:


> If the only thing you have found in the Google search history, then you have a problem in yourself; this is not a problem that your husband has.


Lying about it is what's wrong. And besides, he may very well have an addiction; that happens, and it's a problem.



Chris989 said:


> You can't be that morally uptight if you managed to bang another bloke behind your husband's back.


Come on, now... less of this.



Chris989 said:


> Try having more (or better) sex with him - see if that stops his terrible addiction.


More input is needed from OP w/ respect to their current sex life.



Chris989 said:


> edit/ Who searches for porn on Google anyway? Anyone I know uses Bing, or knows their favourite sites!


:lol:


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## remoursefulwife (Jul 18, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Again, were there any agreed-upon rules regarding dating during the separation?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


no there wasn't any agreed upon rules during our separation. We actually became closer during our separation then we were when we were married. We kind of started dating again before we reconciled. 

Our sex life is great. He meets my needs as I meet his. The bedroom is not a problem at all.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

It takes a tough guy to get past the pain of the affair.

Have you two gone to MC over the affair? 

You can't just rug sweep the feelings, you have to get thru the results, the consequences.

He is still carrying some heavy baggage.

Think about it. Assume it was you, he cheated, he left you, and you found out two weeks later.

That would kill any self-esteem in most people. Did you give him a timeline of all the affair, the why etc? How is his self-esteem now?


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

why don't you want him watching porn?


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## remoursefulwife (Jul 18, 2014)

harrybrown said:


> It takes a tough guy to get past the pain of the affair.
> 
> Have you two gone to MC over the affair?
> 
> ...


He sat down and wrote out a list of questions he wanted me to answer. The how's and why's were in there, I told him everything. We laid in bed and talked and when I told him everything, he got amazingly horny.... It's like it turned him on to hear the full truth. 

His self esteem is overall normal I would think. Every now and then he'll go into this stage where he calls himself a f**k up. And I've tried to explain to him in the best possible way that he's not that. 

If we go out of town and we're gone for a few days, he's at his best. You couldn't ask for a happier person.


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## remoursefulwife (Jul 18, 2014)

cool12 said:


> why don't you want him watching porn?


It's not that I don't. I don't care if he does. I don't like the fact he hides it. Why hide it? That's what I don't understand. Before we got married, we use to watch it together. Im more into the girl on girl action, but I deal with any of it. It sorta faded out after we got married and started having kids. 

Why hide it?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

remoursefulwife said:


> He sat down and wrote out a list of questions he wanted me to answer. The how's and why's were in there, I told him everything. We laid in bed and talked and when I told him everything, he got amazingly horny.... It's like it turned him on to hear the full truth.


That's part of hysterical bonding and you need to understand more than that. I'll be honest, I'm picking something a little "off" in your tone at this point.



remoursefulwife said:


> His self esteem is overall normal I would think. Every now and then he'll go into this stage where he calls himself a f**k up. And I've tried to explain to him in the best possible way that he's not that.
> 
> If we go out of town and we're gone for a few days, he's at his best. You couldn't ask for a happier person.


Clearly, that isn't the case.

What advice are you looking for here?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would say he hides it because you consider it a porn "addiction" and get on his case about it. He sees nothing wrong with it. So he hides it so he can continue to do it and not get in trouble. 

You still haven't answered the question about your sex life. Would HE think you guys have a good sex life?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## remoursefulwife (Jul 18, 2014)

Chris989 said:


> That's part of hysterical bonding and you need to understand more than that. I'll be honest, I'm picking something a little "off" in your tone at this point.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I guess what I'm looking for is a way to lose this feeling deep down that he's hiding something. I've asked, and he says there's nothing. Should I put faith in it and just let it go? Should I let it play itself out?


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

remoursefulwife said:


> It's not that I don't. I don't care if he does. I don't like the fact he hides it. Why hide it? That's what I don't understand. Before we got married, we use to watch it together. Im more into the girl on girl action, but I deal with any of it. It sorta faded out after we got married and started having kids.
> 
> 
> 
> Why hide it?



in your other thread you said you asked him not to watch it but that you also don't care if he does. 
which one is the truth? if you don't mind him watching it then there's really no need to hide it. maybe he's confused about your mixed signals so he's decided not sharing it with you is the easiest way to go about getting what he wants.


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## remoursefulwife (Jul 18, 2014)

PBear said:


> I would say he hides it because you consider it a porn "addiction" and get on his case about it. He sees nothing wrong with it. So he hides it so he can continue to do it and not get in trouble.
> 
> You still haven't answered the question about your sex life. Would HE think you guys have a good sex life?
> 
> ...


He doesn't complain. He likes to experiment so we experiment. He likes BJs so he gets em. I do my best to please his every want and need. If he has free time at work, we'll text each other describing what we're gonna do.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

remoursefulwife said:


> I guess what I'm looking for is a way to lose this feeling deep down that he's hiding something. I've asked, and he says there's nothing. Should I put faith in it and just let it go? Should I let it play itself out?


I think you have to, or get to the bottom of what is really bothering you here. Have you tried individual or couple's counseling?


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

remoursefulwife said:


> *Our 2 yr old some how pulled up some recently viewed pages one morning*, and it just so happened to be a BBW porn site. When I asked about it, he laughed and said he was bored. So I shrugged it off.


:lol: Oh, come on...


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## remoursefulwife (Jul 18, 2014)

Philat said:


> :lol: Oh, come on...


I kid you not. Web browser was already pulled up and he was mashing buttons on the keyboard. He got an eye full.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

remoursefulwife said:


> I guess what I'm looking for is a way to lose this feeling deep down that he's hiding something. I've asked, and he says there's nothing. Should I put faith in it and just let it go? Should I let it play itself out?


sounds like he hasn't forgiven you for your infidelity (BTW how did he find out about it? you said you just left without telling him why.....)

a person becomes addicted (to anything) as a way to escape some sort of emotional pain. when he dives into porn (just as some dive into a bottle) having you there watching it with him defeats his purpose of watching it - which is to escape the pain of his real life, of which you are an integral part.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Remorseful wife I am going to back up the statement that it could be a crutch. I drank, I could not sleep if I did not drink. When he has a ONS did he know about your PA?

Sounds like if you two want to stay together you need a good MC by the way do not ever use his screw ups as a husband for your excuse to f another man. That was your choice.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

If he's not neglecting you sexually and things are generally good, I don't see a real big problem here.:scratchhead:
just tell him to be more discreet with the computer.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

mmm ....

people still do this


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

RWife,

What do you mean when you say you took things to the next level with the bisexual EA partner during that week?

Did you engage in a PA with her to put an end to his EA?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

The timeline here is confusing. EAs PAs, bisexual female invited into home for a week, 2 year old kid at home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

I find it sad that the majority of posters here think that porn is ok. The fact is, it is massively damaging to marriages. Massively.

Porn is no different than the nude lady in the picture showing up in your bedroom and now you have a stranger there with the two of you.

Porn never belongs in a marriage.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

WalterWhite said:


> Porn never belongs in a marriage.


If a couple watches porn together to enhance their time in the bedroom, who am I to judge.

It sounds like this couple was ok with porn. Or maybe not. At some point, but not now?

Like i said this thread confuses me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

There is a parent child dynamic here with regard to the porn. You get on him about it and he lies like a little kid. When you talk to him about porn, do you encourage him to be open about why he watches it and what he gets from it? I'm not crazy about porn and don't think it's very good for a marriage, but you two have a history of watching it. What's the issue now? Will he not watch it with you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> If a couple watches porn together to enhance their time in the bedroom, who am I to judge.
> 
> It sounds like this couple was ok with porn. Or maybe not. At some point, but not now?
> 
> ...


With good reason, I think, Philly.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Maybe it's his passive aggressive way to push your buttons. He won't go out and have an actual affair, but constantly looking at other women humping online while getting regular sex from you because he knows is pushes your buttons sounds like something a person could do in that situation. I'm not saying it's right, but I could get a person's mindset for doing that.

I wouldn't start looking for something more sinister yet based on this, but I do think discussing with a marriage counselor would be beneficial. He's doing it for a reason, and I do think finding out that reason is important for the health of your marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

remoursefulwife said:


> A little back ground:
> About 3 yrs ago I had an affair. It was a one time thing. The husband and I split up almost divorced. We managed to work through it. He came clean about things he done during our separation and we laid it all out on the table.
> 
> Fast forward 3 yrs:
> ...


You are checking behind him. Because you cheated on him and damaged your marriage. Yeah, that makes perfect sense!

Are you seeking to blame him for your decision to cheat?:scratchhead:


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> You are checking behind him. Because you cheated on him and damaged your marriage. Yeah, that makes perfect sense!
> 
> Are you seeking to blame him for your decision to cheat?:scratchhead:


This one seems typical when it comes to the blame shifting.

She came here looking for answers.

I don't think that she want's to read some of the answers that have been given here, any longer.

If her Husband decides to D her, it's understandable. Cheating is never the answer. Hopefully she learns from this and doesn't do the same thing again down the road. With her Husband, or whom ever she ends up with, if he D's her..


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Watching porn does not equate with cheating. It just doesn't. It never will.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Watching porn does not equate with cheating. It just doesn't. It never will.


The blame shifting on this on it deep.

I feel that the main reason that she posted her was to try to find the best way to guilt(porn viewing) her Husband into rug sweeping her cheating and just move on, like it never happened.

I get a strong vibe of a future repeat offender here. All's that she'll need is another "reason" and it's ankles for ear rings for the next OM.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

WalterWhite said:


> ...
> 
> Porn is no different than the nude lady in the picture showing up in your bedroom and now you have a stranger there with the two of you.
> 
> Porn never belongs in a marriage.


This is ridiculous.


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