# Husband is a doormat and he wants me to be also



## remyschaefer (Sep 18, 2011)

Hi friends, I'm new here. My husband is a doormat and expects me to be a doormat also. It is hard to give an example, but I will try: with his family, they will make a (really) irrational "request" (demand with full expectation it will go their way because they are asking it from him and he always says yes to them, historically); and he will say yes without me knowing about it. It usually involves me sacificing something (time, something material he thinks I won't miss - like my IPod or phone given to a "friend"). It is alarming and it hurts that he is such a pushover. I hate that my family (children) is so vulnerable. I know that he was abused by family members growing up and that no one did anything about it. He thinks that is the way it works, someone asks for something and they get it (from him, but it does NOT work that way FOR him). 

It makes me sad just typing this. I think of his family and how mean they are. They have (big, glaring) antisocial tendencies and honestly behave like animals sometimes (but of course pretend they do not). Everyone's old "role" in this birth family is accepted, and he is fully expected to "roll over" so to speak. It is so sad to watch a grown, capable man go through this. It drags me and our children into it, and I do not want them to think it is okay. Another example, he is perfectly willing to accept blame for something he did not do or is not responsible for, anything (!) to keep the peace, at his adult family's detriment. A people pleaser at their worst.

His family was military and moved a lot, so his mom thought she had to "get along to go along". Consequently, she is a very (very) angry old woman who is wretched to be around - a wolf in sheeps clothing. Not only does she have a gigantic chip on her shoulder (husband "traveled" voluntarily a lot!); she happens to be a sly bully, so I stay away from her. She does not see our children very often, but does see the mean siblings (older - who don't need her) children. Our children are getting old enough to see this and are very hurt. I don't care if she does not see me (we have nothing in common anyway, and she is nasty toward me because we are different) - but really, her own flesh and blood?! How boring would it be if everyone were the same, isn't that what we teach our children? [But nasty, no way. Life is too short.] 

So it seems hubby is emulating what he grew up with. It is painful to see! I would like to stick it out, but just don't know how. He keeps creating problems and making me out to be the bad guy because I am not willing to be anyone's doormat. [Is that so unreasonable (a rhetorical question).] 

How can we have a peaceful life? He is afraid of everyone and dodges them if he thinks they will ask for something (otherwise its "will you be my friend, will you be my friend....") It is so pathetic and sad. It is either one extreme or the other. I am somehow to blame if I am defending my family. I just want him to stick up for himself and not set this awful, humiliating precedent. 

Also, he has very few friends and I summize this is a huge part of why. [If they can't use him, whats the use?] I am more accustomed to having more positive around me, friends I can depend on and mutual respect. Part of the issue seems there was just so little respect in his birth family, its gross. He sees women from one angle only, so it is difficult to even have a friend if she happens to be pretty. [His undergrad socialization was limited to his fraternity where women were for parties, I suspect this might be the negative influence in his case.] 

He needs boundaries (in every regard) and he needs them now. He is not beyond displacing his anger toward me. I am at fault for money, friends, family, you name it. We have tried counseling, but no one seems to be able to nail this issue. Hubby is quite charming, so he and the counselor chat about sports or technology or business, but not the issue at hand. If only he would NOT displace his anger toward me; but STOP blaming ME and do the right thing for our family. Please help!


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

In my opinion, he needs to realize that his new family (wife and children) are his priority to protect and love. If his parents and siblings are placing demands on him that he accepts, but that also harm his new family, he needs to learn to say NO. 

I sounds like he need to grow beyond what he learned as a child and grow into his new role as husband and father. 

There are many great posters here (male and female) who can direct you to some great books for men such as "No More Mister Nice Guy", "Learning To Say No", etc... so stick around and I think you may find some help.


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## evian123 (May 8, 2011)

My husband is a little like this but only with his mother. Drives me around a bend when she comes over to stay and takes over the whole house. She is a control freak, but then so am I (but I am working on that side of myself a lot these days - learning to live and let live, and it's kind of freeing).

Anyway....I've been learning also that I do have options in this scenario with my mother in law. 

Besides that, he will also learn from you how to hold up his boundaries in a way that is comfortable, if he sees you doing a good job of it. He clearly is a pleaser, and that's his main weakness. Being a pleaser though is exhausting and hurtful, and no doubt he feels that way. So, you kind of have to show him in your own actions that it's perfectly possible to have your boundaries strong but he just needs to see that it's possible without ruining relationships or having anyone see him as a bad person. He needs to see how you do it in terms of having strong boundaries and keeping relationships in good shape OUTSIDE the marriage. Then, he will feel more secure that it is possible, and will try it out himself. It's a VERY long way round to get this accomplished...but not only will you be his hero, you will save yourself a lot of aggravation in the long run too.

Easier said than done, I know! I've been at this for a little while now, and we have another motherinlaw visit coming up soon so I am going to be tested myself soon.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

He is a product of his upbringing, most people are, unless or until they realize they no longer wish to be with the way they were taught. Its learned behaviors that can be unlearned. Chances are its comfortable for him and its familiar because its all he knows. 

You can point it out to him all day long and wish he would change, however, until he is ready and truly wants to, its not likely going to happen. These are ingrained behaviors, and yes it can be undone and he can be taught new ways of doing/saying things, and how to handle things differently etc, BUT until he sees it as a problem its probably going to be the way it is. 

Do you think he would be up for counseling? If not, you could still go, that way maybe a professional can guide you better on how to deal with the situation, and focus more on you since you can't change him.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Remy, like me your H sounds like he has lived his life trying to be the "nice guy". I don't think he is necessarily emulating what he saw growing up but he did learn very early on in his formative years that to be loved he had to avoid conflict and be good, that's his basic road map of life. By doing these deeds for others its not that he genuinely feels selfless, he does them because he believes that is the way to get his needs met, when this doesn't work it gets very frustrating and so he tries even harder to please others the way he thinks they need his service. And yeah, when it doesn't work out he displaces blame and anger onto you, your friends and family. It is a very common problem, one which requires completely redefining the road map of life... (even if he is more the "I'm so bad" nice guy).

This is all new to me too, I knew I fit the nice guy mold and took pride in it not even realizing it was the reason I have never been able to find fulfillment in life. And so I've been reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and it is shocking to me how accurate the author has described my life. The simple solution is when something doesn't work do it differently and that is the hardest thing in the world for a "nice guy" to do because we can't even comprehend how to go about doing something differently.


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