# How to deal with wife's bitterness and resentment



## SlyGuy (Jan 14, 2014)

here's the background story so you all won't have to ask why she hates me:

16 years ago one of my children was abused by a teenage relative. The incident was handled correctly, law enforcement was involved, future precautions were made to protect my family against anything like this again. Years later my mother made the mistake of hinting that we start moving forward. We soon found out my wife was not ready to move forward. Wife was angry at my mother and also angry at me for somehow not protecting her and my family against my mother. Had I known that my wife somehow felt unprotected or wanted me to handle things in a different way... then I would have! I thought I did the right thing by telling her I was sorry for not handling it the way she wanted and asking her forgiveness to no avail. 
She started getting more and more bitter as the years have progressed and now it's coming to a peak this year.

The problem is it's been 16yrs now and my wife is so very angry, bitter, resentful and hateful against me and my mother. Somehow every time she looks at me it triggers resentment. It also doesn't help that she has high anxiety. She's not able to be intimate with me for several years now. She won't go on dates with me, she can't sit by me at church, hold my hand, participate in anniversaries or give kisses or hugs. My children are upset that their mother doesn't like their daddy and caused 2 of them to cry. I tried to approach her on the subject but was met with anger blaming me for causing it. Thank God Finally my wife agreed to go to marriage counseling with me to the lady counselor she knew... but unfortunately the counseling was horrible. During the first meeting was suggested we learn how to "fall back in love with each other again" by going out on dates and start being romantic. This backfired because my wive needs help getting over her anger first! my wife wouldn't try the suggestions because she's still angry at me!... she's not ready to be nice yet!
As a result my wife canceled the MC and wrote off all counseling in general as a failure.
The huge disrespect and nasty tones she show's towards me as a husband and father have slowly started to chisel away at my patient tough skin. Years of "turning the other cheek" have caused me to snap back at her.

So besides "divorcing her" I'm asking advice from people on the forum how to handle my wife's bitterness and anger. Do I start being nasty back to her? do I shower her with sticky gewy affection and love? do I make ultimatums? do I tattle to her parents who think we get along fine? what would you do?


----------



## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

Are there more to the story? So your wife has been holding the hatred towards you for 16 years? For something happened 16 years ago? That sounds like a long time holding grudge without divorcing you. 

What did you do during the 16 years to handle your wife's anger and bitterness? How did you try to resolve the issue? Were you wife happy and normal before the incident happened? Or she has always been bitter and unhappy?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you posted here before about this. If not there is someone else who posted you a year or so ago with the same situation.

How many children do you have and what are their ages? Knowing this would help.

How is your child who was molested? Does this child hold on to bad feelings?

Does your wife blame you for the abuse? Or is she only angry because your mother suggested that it was time to move on? 

Your wife's anger seems horribly out of proportion. When a person holds on to anger like this for so long, there is an underlying problem. The anger is only a symptom.

Was your wife molested or abused as a child? could this be why she's holding on to the anger?

If there is no underlying reason, then there is really only one reason for holding on to such misplaced anger for so long... it gives her power in the relationship. She can keep you walking on egg shells, bending over backwards at her command and she things she has a good excuse.

To change this you need to cause a catastrophic event that shakes her up. You need to let her know that her anger and abuse is not going to accepted any more. And it might take you telling her that if she does not get help and go to marriage counseling as well, you will be ending the marriage.

Does she have a job? Does she have an active social life?


----------



## SlyGuy (Jan 14, 2014)

Coco2014 said:


> Are there more to the story? *not really* So your wife has been holding the hatred towards you for 16 years? For something happened 16 years ago? That sounds like a long time holding grudge without divorcing you. *yes it is a long time*
> 
> What did you do during the 16 years to handle your wife's anger and bitterness? *it's called self control and hope* How did you try to resolve the issue? *read my post* Were you wife happy and normal before the incident happened?


yes mostly



EleGirl said:


> How many children do you have and what are their ages? *4 teenagers*
> How is your child who was molested? *3 then 19 now* Does this child hold on to bad feelings? *child didnt know till last month after demanding I tell her why mom hates grandma and no she isn't bitter*
> 
> Does your wife blame you for the abuse? *no* Or is she only angry because your mother suggested that it was time to move on? *sort off I guess... but angry that I wasn't angry like she was*
> ...


My wife is both physically and mentally ill and she needs a lot of caring (I've read how bitterness actually can cause this). That's why divorce is tough for me. 

so the purpose of this thread is to address bitterness and resentment. I'd like to better understand her so I know where she's coming from so I can change in to what she's looking for. I'd like the guys on the forum to tell me how they'd handle it. I'd also like any ladies to tell me how they'd like to be treated by someone who they're not ready to forgive. My white horse is getting old and i'm getting tired of polishing my shining armor... and that damn sunset is starting to fade.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SlyGuy said:


> My wife is both physically and mentally ill and she needs a lot of caring (I've read how bitterness actually can cause this). That's why divorce is tough for me.


At some point a mentally ill person needs to take responsibility for addressing their issues. I know it's hard. But if they don't they can drag everyone around them in to a similar state. I've been through this as the care taker, so I get it.

You might benefit quite a bit from you going to counseling to get support for yourself.



SlyGuy said:


> so the purpose of this thread is to address bitterness and resentment. I'd like to better understand her so I know where she's coming from so I can change in to what she's looking for. I'd like the guys on the forum to tell me how they'd handle it.


Sounds to me like she just wants to be angry and bitter. I doubt that you can change into anything that will make her not be angry at you.



SlyGuy said:


> I'd also like any ladies to tell me how they'd like to be treated by someone who they're not ready to forgive.


The only thing I can think of for that person to acknowledge what they did wrong and fix things. But your wife's anger is so far beyond anything I've experienced that I have no clue beyond that.




SlyGuy said:


> My white horse is getting old and i'm getting tired of polishing my shining armor... and that damn sunset is starting to fade.


No kidding. I feel for you.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I like your sense of humor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

SlyGuy said:


> yes mostly
> 
> 
> 
> ...


If she is just a mentally sick person, I don't know what you can do about it. You are not a psychologist. You are such a patient man that you can tolerant this for 16 year and still want to continue to tolerant it.


----------



## SlyGuy (Jan 14, 2014)

the problem is she isn't always a constant beotch. For instance this week she looked me in the eyes and smiled when she spoke to me. I just wish there'd be more of a connection or physical touch to go along with it. Not having sex since 11 months ago is starting to make me notice other women etc.. I don't want to notice other women because I'm married and I want to stay devoted. But i'm loosing it. I'm trying not to be needy. In fact I went to go have my haircut at a place specifically because attractive women give me a scalp message and a shave.. that's so pathetic I know but I was longing for female touch. I can't even remember what my wifes body looks like.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

SlyGuy said:


> I'd like to better understand her so I know where she's coming from so I can change in to what she's looking for.


16 years? YOU will NEVER change into what she's looking for.

180 time. She's done. Deal with it or leave.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

SlyGuy said:


> the problem is she isn't always a constant beotch. For instance this week she looked me in the eyes and smiled when she spoke to me.



That's the exclamation point on my post above.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your wife obviously wants to hold onto her bitterness and resentment. Counseling could help her let go of that but you've said she won't try another counselor. Have you told her you're at the end of your ability to cope? Sounds like this became a bigger problem once sex was removed a year ago. There's no reason for her to change if there aren't consequences. Have you tried the 180?


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

*Warning Signs for Schizoid Personality Disorder?*



SlyGuy said:


> My wife is both physically and *mentally ill*.


SlyGuy, have you considered the possibility of her having moderate to strong traits of SPD (Schizoid Personality Disorder)? I ask because folks exhibiting those traits typically have great difficulty expressing affection. They especially have difficulty expressing anger, even in response to direct provocation, which may give the impression that they lack emotion. They often react passively to adverse circumstances and have difficulty responding appropriately to important life events. Moreover, they usually have few friendships and little social life, as you say is true for your W. 

I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself _-- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your four kids are dealing with. As to MC, my experience that -- when a spouse has strong traits of a PD -- MC is a total waste of time until the more serious PD issues are first addressed.

I caution that, if your W really does have strong traits of a PD, the disorder likely was fully entrenched before the age of five -- and thus would not have originated 16 years ago during her adulthood. Her PD traits -- if she has any -- almost certainly would have started showing in her behavior during her early teens. The behavioral traits would have briefly disappeared during your courtship period because her infatuation for you would have held her fears at bay. 

Those traits would return as soon as the infatuation started to evaporate. This is why it is common for sexual activity to be normal during the courtship and then go off a cliff following the marriage to someone having strong PD traits. I mention this because, if you and your W had a normal marriage for many years, it is extremely unlikely you are seeing warning signs for a PD.


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Op. 

Is your wife on anti-depressants? If not, please get her to. Wont work over night, but if a right match is found life can be dealt with so much better. If she is, maybe a booster or an adjustment is needed. 

4 years ago I went into a horrible anger and rage towards my spouse, and a resentment grew so deep that I couldnt even look at him, wouldnt let him touch me, wanted him so far away from me, as our realtionship became so toxic. 

I did the MC, IC for as long as it could be, we were told too to try to fall back in love. As this was coming from a long term marriage. 

Since day 1, husband has been wanting to work on things, still trying for almost 4 years now. We arent intimate in anyway. He has his apt. I live in the home, he comes a few x a month to ck on the house. We have zero idea of boundaries, it's unreal. 


But I held on to my resentment for a really long time... I lived it... and only very lately have been able to see, the only way for my life to improve, is for me to make it happen. It's up to me to own my own life. ...


I really dont think I would have been able to move into this place had I not agreed to try the anti depressant. See, I refused help for 22 months...total time to see improvement has been close to 4 years this May. 

I was stuck, like glue, in the spot of resentment. It was a safe place for me. I didnt know anything else. I had been a "happy couple" for almost 30 years, everyday of my life was spent in the mind frame of a "we," almost half of my life. I was bitter that I had to change with no doing of my own... I was pissed... and it grew, festered, and it was the only place I was in control of it, it was my space, he created, now he was going to share it with me... 

I dont doubt that your wife isnt really looking inward and really asking herself some of those really deep questions that we go thur when we try to face ourself. 

Maybe my experience will help, maybe not... but, to be honest, I dont think you'll win your wife back now. Not in the way it was , or the way you want it to be. You still can have each other in your lives, there's really is no reason to give that up... just have to be able to accept it being different... 

imho.

~sammy


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine how tough this is for you. I give you props for wanting to stay in the marriage especially since you have children but since she refuses to go for help I can't see this situation getting better and odds are it will get worse and you get more depressed, mad and resentful about how she treats you. This can't be good for the children to see.

If I was in your position I would tell her that unless she seeks out help you will leave because you can't stay in this marriage the way she treats you. Have you asked her if she wants to stay in the marriage. Since she doesn't even seem to like you she may be fine with a divorce. I know I wouldn't want to be a marriage with someone I don't like.


----------



## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

What mental illness causes resentment for 16 years?! I have a severe MI and I cannot even imagine that amount of bitterness and holding a grudge. Although if she has a PD, or is untreated, I guess it is possible. How horrible to live this way, though. I would suggest you set boundaries outlining what you will accept, since I guess you never have.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

SlyGuy said:


> 16 years ago one of my children was abused by a teenage relative. The incident was handled correctly, law enforcement was involved, future precautions were made to protect my family against anything like this again. Years later my mother made the mistake of hinting that we start moving forward. We soon found out my wife was not ready to move forward. Wife was angry at my mother and also angry at me for somehow not protecting her and my family against my mother.Had I known that my wife somehow felt unprotected or wanted me to handle things in a different way... then I would have! I thought I did the right thing by telling her I was sorry for not handling it the way she wanted and asking her forgiveness to no avail.


Is this a relative on your side? Have you had to be around this person ever again? Does the rest of the family still interact with this person? Was your Mother suggesting anything like allowing this person back into your life? 

The reason I ask is to see if there is ongoing issues with this relative (like if every Christmas is now a battle about which family time is going to include the molester and how your family can avoid it) or if he/she has been out of your lives, and the lives of your families, for the past 16 years. 

I can understand a battle if she feels like it's been her and your child vs. your family and you haven't always been on her side or dealt with it in the proper way.


----------



## SlyGuy (Jan 14, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Is this a relative on your side? Have you had to be around this person ever again? Does the rest of the family still interact with this person? Was your Mother suggesting anything like allowing this person back into your life?
> 
> The reason I ask is to see if there is ongoing issues with this relative (like if every Christmas is now a battle about which family time is going to include the molester and how your family can avoid it) or if he/she has been out of your lives, and the lives of your families, for the past 16 years.
> 
> I can understand a battle if she feels like it's been her and your child vs. your family and you haven't always been on her side or dealt with it in the proper way.


yes he was my 13yr old kid brother. He is 31 now, grown up and has a wife & kids of his own. Have I had to be around him? I've been around him from time to time over the years.. like when his kids were born or at a family christmas party. yes, I've watched my kids like a hawk over the years and made sure there's never benn a time a recurring situation. My wife will not be around him or my mother because of her resentment.. and stays home from all family functions the past 8 yrs....but encourages me to bring the kids to those family functions. So yes he's been out of our lives for the most part. I don't hang out with him nor do I really like him or his annoying wife. 
Please describe what you mean when you say "dealing with it the proper way". I'd like to know what the proper way means to others.


----------



## SlyGuy (Jan 14, 2014)

sammy3 said:


> Op.
> 
> Is your wife on anti-depressants? If not, please get her to. Wont work over night, but if a right match is found life can be dealt with so much better. If she is, maybe a booster or an adjustment is needed.
> 
> ...


no she's not on anti-depressants. She doesn't act depressed at all. Even if she did I don't know how I'd get her on them. It's not like she'd do something for me or because I asked her.

Thank you for replying to this post. I'm sorry you've felt the need to be so resentful to your husband and push him out of your life and marriage. I feel bad for him. He probably loved you very much and totally broke his heart when you despised him like that. Hopefully you let him back in. You didn't mention what he did that pissed you off. It must have been something really bad.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

SlyGuy said:


> yes he was my 13yr old kid brother. He is 31 now, grown up and has a wife & kids of his own. Have I had to be around him? I've been around him from time to time over the years.. like when his kids were born or at a family christmas party. yes, I've watched my kids like a hawk over the years and made sure there's never benn a time a recurring situation. My wife will not be around him or my mother because of her resentment.. and stays home from all family functions the past 8 yrs....but encourages me to bring the kids to those family functions. So yes he's been out of our lives for the most part. I don't hang out with him nor do I really like him or his annoying wife.
> Please describe what you mean when you say "dealing with it the proper way". I'd like to know what the proper way means to others.


You're right that the "proper way" is going to be different for everyone. How I would want it dealt with is the person is cut off 100%. Never to be around me, my H, or my children ever again and anyone who supports that person would be limited or no contact as well. The fact that he was 13 makes it a difficult situation but I just couldn't look at him again, and I know it would be very hard on me if my H could. 

I would personally have a huge problem with the above and it would cause issues, but I would also not be encouraging you to take the kids there and would have made it clear what I needed to happen in order to feel comfortable. It doesn't sound like she has done that.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I too was wondering what exactly your mother meant by "moving forward". Does that mean allowing your brother back in your wife's life? It's not really your mother's place to get involved in that because she is going to have divided loyalties. What does your wife want? Does she want you to cut off your brother? Does she simply want to avoid him? How does your brother behave now? Has he shown any real remorse? Does his wife know? How did you guys find out about the abuse?


----------



## SlyGuy (Jan 14, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I too was wondering what exactly your mother meant by "moving forward". Does that mean allowing your brother back in your wife's life? It's not really your mother's place to get involved in that because she is going to have divided loyalties. What does your wife want? Does she want you to cut off your brother? Does she simply want to avoid him? How does your brother behave now? Has he shown any real remorse? Does his wife know? How did you guys find out about the abuse?


I think it meant for my wife to quit cutting off my extended family altogether. He's a kid and still lived with his parents (my folks)
My mother didn't have a choice to be involved to some degree because it was her teenage son. 
I don't know what my wife wants other than to punch my mother in the face for wanting to heal things to quickly. No I do not take my mothers side. I side with my wife... but my wife feels I should have done something or said something to my mother and feels like I was a fence sitter. I didn't know about this until recently. I think my wifes resentment comes from me not reading her mind at the time?? No she hasn't mentioned for me to cutoff my brother.. but I already sorta cut him off anyways because he's weird. I do not hang out with him or socialize with him. He's different. He's an adult but is only on about a 12yr old maturity level. Yes his wife knew about the abuse before they married. Yes he showed remorse way back then and mailed us an apology letter and called me on the phone and cried. I found out about the abuse when he approached my dad at church one night in tears and confessed to him. My dad then told me immediately.

so there ya go. Back to the original post about deep bitterness and resentment my wife has towards me and how to deal with it. Her hatred towards me gets worse every year as the years go by. She's not mean all the time but has no respect towards me and withholds any sort of affection. I think I understand her but she doesn't think I understand her. She told me it bothers her that I don't understand her... even if though I tell her I understand her. When she says "understand her" I think she means "agree" with her hatred towards my mother. In fact she hates my mother more than my brother.. Confused yet? 
and that hatred spews right over to me for some reason. She really needs a shrink I think.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

There is more to this than is being discussed. 
Her holding onto long term resentment and projecting onto you is s strong indicator of past trauma.

She needs help.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You might not be able to fix this OP. Sometimes people want to live in the hate and resentment becuase it gives them power of the victim. Every time she messes up this is her trump card to get out of it. You are going to have to get off the merry go round at some point and say enough is enough. But this will have it come from YOU. Strong stand with consequences. If you don't change this it won't change.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> There is more to this than is being discussed.
> Her holding onto long term resentment and projecting onto you is a *strong indicator of past trauma*.
> 
> She needs help.


I'm seeing some red flags here too. Is it possible your wife was sexually abused as a youth and that's why she's having such a hard time dealing with this?

You have stated she is mentally ill. She needs intensive INDIVIDUAL counseling (not marriage counseling) to deal with her mental illness, get diagnosed (if there is one) and learn coping skills, cognitive behavioral therapy, medication, etc. 

I know she has "written off" all counseling, but this should be your line in the sand. Either she gets help to deal with her problems, her anger, her bitterness, her own past trauma, restore your sex life and become a true couple again, or I think it's time to throw in the towel on this marriage.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Whether or not you actually "need" to "defend" your wife or kids doesn't matter. It's what you wife perceives that matters. And your "defense" should have happened when your mother opened her mouth.

Having said that what she is doing is making you decide between your immediate family and your extended family and putting you in an uncomfortable position of going to family events without her. And as long as she holds this resentment it will never change.

You say divorce isn't an option. Sorry, but it MUST be an option. You can't cure her of her problems and she won't seek help so either you live with this or calmly explain that either she return to counseling (note I didn't say that she change her ways) or you two split.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My take: Your wife wanted a grand gesture from you. Especially since it was your brother and you did nothing to him (I gather) on a personal level other than separate your family (you, wife, and kids) from 'that' family. Brother or not, I would have expected my husband to refuse to be anywhere that his brother was going to be. The fact that you 'got over it' and continued to hang out with him would have INFURIATED me and, frankly, I probably would have divorced you over it. No one touches my child and gets to live like a normal person in my circle.

I don't think you CAN make up for this. You chose your FOO, plain and simple.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

SlyGuy said:


> I think it meant for my wife to quit cutting off my extended family altogether. He's a kid and still lived with his parents (my folks)
> My mother didn't have a choice to be involved to some degree because it was her teenage son.


What did your wife expect from her MIL at the time? Did she expect her MIL to toss her son out of the house and turn her back on her 13 year old son? Did she expect the boy to go to jail? Did she expect the boy to be made to own what he did and apologize to you and your wife? Did she expect that the boy be made to enter therapy? Does she feel like the whole incident was swept under the rug?

You said the police were involved, but what exactly happened with your bother?





> I don't know what my wife wants other than to punch my mother in the face for wanting to heal things to quickly. No I do not take my mothers side. I side with my wife... but my wife feels I should have done something or said something to my mother and feels like I was a fence sitter. I didn't know about this until recently. I think my wifes resentment comes from me not reading her mind at the time?? No she hasn't mentioned for me to cutoff my brother.. but I already sorta cut him off anyways because he's weird. I do not hang out with him or socialize with him. He's different. He's an adult but is only on about a 12yr old maturity level. Yes his wife knew about the abuse before they married. Yes he showed remorse way back then and mailed us an apology letter and called me on the phone and cried. I found out about the abuse when he approached my dad at church one night in tears and confessed to him. My dad then told me immediately.


I'm confused, so you found out about the incident because your bother confessed? What then happened to your brother?




> so there ya go. Back to the original post about deep bitterness and resentment my wife has towards me and how to deal with it. Her hatred towards me gets worse every year as the years go by. She's not mean all the time but has no respect towards me and withholds any sort of affection. I think I understand her but she doesn't think I understand her. She told me it bothers her that I don't understand her... even if though I tell her I understand her. When she says "understand her" I think she means "agree" with her hatred towards my mother. In fact she hates my mother more than my brother.. Confused yet?
> and that hatred spews right over to me for some reason. She really needs a shrink I think.


She needs therapy in the worst way. MC was a very bad idea.

I think your wife was molested when she was a child. I think she's never told anyone. I think she has connected her rage from what happened to her to the event with her child and since you are related to the abuser, your family protected the abuser, she hates all of you. As I read your story, this is screaming at me, she is projecting her rage over her abuse to you and your family.

If she has never told anyone, she will take great offense to being directly questioned about her own past. But challenged is exactly what needs to happen.

I'm sorry but this might not be solvable. She will likely avoid therapy and hang on to her hatred and rage. It is a cliff you are facing in trying to solve this and return to a sense or normality.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

turnera said:


> My take: Your wife wanted a grand gesture from you. Especially since it was your brother and you did nothing to him (I gather) on a personal level other than separate your family (you, wife, and kids) from 'that' family. Brother or not, I would have expected my husband to refuse to be anywhere that his brother was going to be. The fact that you 'got over it' and continued to hang out with him would have INFURIATED me and, frankly, I probably would have divorced you over it. No one touches my child and gets to live like a normal person in my circle.
> 
> I don't think you CAN make up for this. You chose your FOO, plain and simple.


The abuser was a 13 year old child himself. The abuser confessed. These are huge mitigating factors!


----------



## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

turnera said:


> My take: Your wife wanted a grand gesture from you. Especially since it was your brother and you did nothing to him (I gather) on a personal level other than separate your family (you, wife, and kids) from 'that' family. Brother or not, I would have expected my husband to refuse to be anywhere that his brother was going to be. The fact that you 'got over it' and continued to hang out with him would have INFURIATED me and, frankly, I probably would have divorced you over it. No one touches my child and gets to live like a normal person in my circle.
> 
> I don't think you CAN make up for this. You chose your FOO, plain and simple.


According to a previous post he stated, "_Have I had to be around him? I've been around him from time to time over the years.. like when his kids were born or at a family christmas party. yes, I've watched my kids like a hawk over the years and made sure there's never benn a time a recurring situation."

_To me, this reads that he takes his kids around the brother during family functions. If this is the case, I would have divorced him the first time he brought my kids around the molester. I wouldn't wait and waste 16 years.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> The abuser was a 13 year old child himself. The abuser confessed. These are huge mitigating factors!


I'd still want him cut off completely. And any family members who had the "get over it" attitude about the situation. If there was a function and he was going to be there, my family - including H- would not be. 
I'd likely be wanting to cut off any family who was still in his life as well depending on how they dealt with it. 

If H wasn't 100% supportive of this it would be a huge problem for me. I'd really hope that H would take the lead on it, since it's his family and he's put himself in the protector role, and do all these things himself.


----------



## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> The abuser was a 13 year old child himself. The abuser confessed. These are huge mitigating factors!


I disagree. It's even more disturbing that a CHILD would even THINK of molesting a 3 year old - and then follow through. Confession means nothing, IMO. Confession doesn't change the fact that the incident(s) of the molesting occurred. Thankfully he did confess so that the child could get the help needed, and even though there wasn't mention of it.

To me, this seems like a family of rugsweepers.

With all that said, I wouldn't stay involved with a husband who thought it was okay to bring my children around a molester that violated my child.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only mitigating factor I see is that the young child didn't seem to remember it happened.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

A 13 year old child is not a monster, but could become one.

Depending on how it was dealt with, a return to some version of normality could be healing all around. We don't know anything about how it was handled other than the police were involved.

If that's what his wife expected from him, SHE should have said something. SHE should have said, "your family is sweeping this under the rug and it's not being dealt with to my satisfaction. I refuse to take part in this charade and I refuse to allow my children to take part. Insist your little brother be dealt with or we cut off all ties to your family."

But she didn't? Why not? Why didn't she say those things to her husband? Why did she allow her kids to be in the same room with the abuser...and she wasn't even there to ENSURE their safety. Yet she trusted her H to keep them safe. Logically, this isn't making sense.

That's why I feel certain that his wife is projecting her rage from her abuse onto this situation so late in the game.

I think you all need to learn more about the developing sexuality of child. The boy was far too young to be punished for the rest of his life. But he did need serious help. Was it provided to him?

ETA: keep in mind I was molested so I am well familiar with that rage.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Been chewing this one over in one of the tracks of my whirlwind head...

She seems to be focusing on the mother. 
I am with the abuse folks.
I think she was abiused when she was young and HER mother KNEW about it and did nothing. Or at the very least a protective figure in her early life.

She probably pushed it under and this situation is a constant trigger for her.

Encourage her to go to IC.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> A 13 year old child is not a monster, but could become one.
> 
> Depending on how it was dealt with, a return to some version of normality could be healing all around.
> 
> ...


I disagree. This was HIS family, it was up to HIM to take a strong stance. And he didn't.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

turnera said:


> I disagree. This was HIS family, it was up to HIM to take a strong stance. And he didn't.


No, they were a team. They should have talked and agreed on how to deal with it. It wasn't up to him. It was a couple decision and if she didn't voice her objection she doesn't get to revisit her objections 16 freaking years later.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Agree to disagree.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Years ago I discovered my husband uncle had molested two of my husbands sisters. I blew everything up. I told my husband and insisted he inform his mother. I wanted the uncle to be confronted for what he had done many years ago. But it was decided that he would not be confronted. From that point on, the only time this man was in the same house with my kids was when I was present... And that only happened one time because I refused to go or have my kids go to that family function. 

Had I kept silent about what I wanted to happen, I would have lost ALL RIGHTS to resentment.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

turnera said:


> Agree to disagree.


How do you expect someone to meet your expectations when you fail to communicate them?


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

T,
You don't flood by often but when you do, it's painful to watch. 

He didn't 'hang out' with his brother - he attended family events. And the brother (correctly) was watched but not excluded at those events. 

Just so we are all clear here:
- the abuse was inappropriate touching of a 3 year old girl
- the a user was 13 and self reported 
*AND AND AND 
- The single most important aspect of this narrative is that thankfully the victim (now 19) has no memory of the abuse*

Sadly, the mother of this child has managed to turn herself into the primary victim in this story. And that's because she holds the high ground from the victims throne. It's a common Power play for a weak person. 




turnera said:


> My take: Your wife wanted a grand gesture from you. Especially since it was your brother and you did nothing to him (I gather) on a personal level other than separate your family (you, wife, and kids) from 'that' family. Brother or not, I would have expected my husband to refuse to be anywhere that his brother was going to be. The fact that you 'got over it' and continued to hang out with him would have INFURIATED me and, frankly, I probably would have divorced you over it. No one touches my child and gets to live like a normal person in my circle.
> 
> I don't think you CAN make up for this. You chose your FOO, plain and simple.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree she's turned herself into a victim. I don't agree her husband has handled it appropriately.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

turnera said:


> I agree she's turned herself into a victim. I don't agree her husband has handled it appropriately.


Then please explain how he was supposed to know how she wanted it handled?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife has lived with this resentment for so long it seems to have taken on a life of it's own. It feeds off itself.

Put your foot down and tell her to get into IC or get out. This is no way for either of you to live and has to be taking a toll on the health of all concerned. You're not in a marriage - you're in hell.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> Then please explain how he was supposed to know how she wanted it handled?


The instant someone from HIS family attacked HER child, he should have made a point of getting it cleared up. She's been this mad and refusing to be near his family for at LEAST 8 years, right? Uh, somewhere along the way maybe a lightbulb would have gone of that SHE'S STILL MAD.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

SlyGuy said:


> *I'm asking advice* from people on the forum how to handle my wife's bitterness and anger. Do I start being nasty back to her? do I shower her with sticky gewy affection and love? do I make ultimatums? do I tattle to her parents who think we get along fine? *what would you do?*


Send her a brief e-mail and ask her to "Please look at this website. Would you be willing to attend with me?". Marriage Help Program For Couples

If she answers "yes" *you* make the call and book it. They will call her to verify that she is willing.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

turnera said:


> The instant someone from HIS family attacked HER child, he should have made a point of getting it cleared up. She's been this mad and refusing to be near his family for at LEAST 8 years, right? Uh, somewhere along the way maybe a lightbulb would have gone of that SHE'S STILL MAD.


You know what the above is?

"I'm mad at you and I'm going to make you GUESS why!"

Middle school problem solving....smh.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, a responsible husband trying to be intuitive to the elephant in the room about his wife refusing for nearly a decade to be around his family.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

turnera said:


> No, a responsible husband trying to be intuitive to the elephant in the room about his wife refusing for nearly a decade to be around his family.


Seriously Turnera? You're going to expect a man to intuit his wife's mad? Haven't you been on tam long enough to know the folly of that?


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Post 17 he stated the wife encouraged him to take the kid's to those family functions. So why would you speak of divorcing hubby after encouraging contact? That would be hypocritical.


----------



## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

If she's been that angry for that long there's nothing you can do. Either accept it or move on. Your wife has to fix herself.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

ummmm... who missed the affair flags in this story.

"My wife has first dibs?" Excuse me? My first question is... how long is the list behind her?

Don't add destruction to destruction.... please.

Also... There was a trauma.

It is unresolved.

She needs emotional closure.

Help her get it.

Ask HER how and what she needs to get it.

Then do it.


----------



## SlyGuy (Jan 14, 2014)

turnera said:


> My take: Your wife wanted a grand gesture from you. Especially since it was your brother and you did nothing to him (I gather) on a personal level other than separate your family (you, wife, and kids) from 'that' family. Brother or not, I would have expected my husband to refuse to be anywhere that his brother was going to be. The fact that you 'got over it' and continued to hang out with him would have INFURIATED me and, frankly, I probably would have divorced you over it. No one touches my child and gets to live like a normal person in my circle.
> 
> I don't think you CAN make up for this. You chose your FOO, plain and simple.


If my wife wanted a grand gesture from me then I really wish she would have communicated this to me earlier. What was I supposed to do to him that I didn't do? No, I don't or have I ever hung out with him nor do I have a desire to hang out with him. Now that you know this information, would you still want to divorce me? I'm really interested in your post because you're exhibiting some of the same behaviors and logic as my wife. Maybe understanding your take would help me better understand my wife.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> *But it was decided that he would not be confronted.*


Did you AGREE to this to, Anon? This seems to be major rugsweeping... just hope the problem "goes away."

The perp should be in jail; at the very least, a registered sex offender. No one did any favors here covering it up.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Did you AGREE to this to, Anon? This seems to be major rugsweeping... just hope the problem "goes away."
> 
> The perp should be in jail; at the very least, a registered sex offender. No one did any favors here covering it up.


No, of course I didn't agree to it! But it wasn't my call. Didn't happen to me or my kids, it had happened 25-30 years ago to two of my SIL. So my vote didn't even count. What bothered me was that it was highly likely these two, the SIL's, were not the only recipients of this uncle's special hugs and affection. Fvcking Perv! I hated the guy anyway. Total homophobe...but molesting little girls is apparently okay...

SlyGuy and his wife however had the gavel to make the decision. I can't understand why she stayed silent on what she expected to happen to this boy. I just don't get it. Maybe she is totally passive aggressive?


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your wife needs to get a life. Mentally ill or not doesn't matter. She's being an unreasonable abuser.

Your 13 year old brother inappropriately touched a 3 year old 16 years ago. It wasn't right, but I don't see how this should spell the end of the world for your wife. He remorsefully confessed, got deal with by the police and pretty much got cut out of your life (for the most part). What the hell does your wife want? In fact, who cares what she wants? She ain't getting it because whatever it is, it's too late. She's entitled to nothing specially since she was not the abused one.

You can't live with a bitter woman no matter what the cause is. Make sure she knows that and give her an ultimatum with a proper deadline to get her sh1t together. You're not obligated to die a slow death because of her childish behavior.

Man...the crap some of us are willing to put up with for no reason.


----------



## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

SlyGuy said:


> the problem is she isn't always a constant beotch. For instance this week she looked me in the eyes and smiled when she spoke to me.


I feel sad that you have to grasp at this little bone she threw you. Looking in your eyes and smiling when she speaks to you should be a normal and frequent thing.

Do not stand for this emotional abuse another minute.


----------



## SlyGuy (Jan 14, 2014)

to help answer and clarify some of the posted concerns and questions:
*no my wife wasn't abused when she was younger. Our MC asked this also which she said "no". I suppose she could be lying but she's not the lying type.
*my wife has really bad anxiety which is quick to turn to anger especially if confronted on uncomfortable subjects. (like our marriage or my mother) She either screams or walks away. She refuses to get help with her anxiety because she's convinced it's because of her bad thyroid which she's currently taking medication for.

*no, I don't hang out with the abuser. We are not close. He lives far away, I don't call him, I don't text him, I don't email him, I don't write him, I don't facebook him I don't have contact with him. So please don't assume this.

*yes my wife encourages me to bring the kids to a large family christmas party once every 2 years or my grandparents funeral events where the abuser is sometimes there with his own wife and kids sitting on the other side of the church where I've never let him out of my site. 

*was there an elephant in the room that was obviously recognizable? not there hasn't been until just recently. It started 6yrs ago when I asked my wife why she stopped wanting intimacy... to which she replied "I don't know" ... should I have instantly recognized it was because she was mad at my mom 16yrs previous? I thought maybe it was because I had gained some weight or because I didn't earn enough money that year.. or because I didn't clean the carpet after I tracked mud ... so the elephant was hidden for a long time until our church leader dug it up one day counseling her a few years ago

*at the very few family functions we've been to over the years I have never let the abuser out of my site. Now that my kids are grown I still keep a pretty tight leash on them... especially when my daughters boyfriend comes around. (The thought of him touching her in any way makes me want to beat the crap out of him whereas it doesn't bug my wife as much)

*there was no rug sweeping or cover-up that I am aware of. 

*I handled things the best way I knew how. When these little surprises spring up in life you only get one shot and have to choose carefully the words you say all in about a seconds notice. If my wife wanted me to handle things differently then I really wish she could have communicated this to me. She's a very poor communicator especially with her huge anxiety problem. Yes I would have loved for my wife to tell me exactly how she wanted me to handle things. 

*he was too young to have a record, be a registered sex offender or have jail time. My mother called the police on him. They hauled him down to the jail and gave him a "this is where you're going to be if you do this again" tour. He was then assigned counseling for a few years.

*should I have punched the kid in the face and then gone to jail for assaulting a minor? I supposed I could have if I knew that would show my wife my loyalty for my family and help my marriage in the long run... then hell yes I would have.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

T,
The way this has played out is fairly simple: 
- She fully expects all the benefits of being his wife
AND
- Is making it clear that she owes him nothing from her side because he screwed up a situation 16 years ago

She's cake eating. 

If she really thought it was THAT BAD - she needed to push the eject button. 

His issue is that he's letting her slowly beat him to death - because he's weak. 





turnera said:


> I agree she's turned herself into a victim. I don't agree her husband has handled it appropriately.


----------



## SlyGuy (Jan 14, 2014)

MEM11363 said:


> T,
> The way this has played out is fairly simple:
> - She fully expects all the benefits of being his wife
> AND
> ...


the only reason it points to weakness is because I haven't divorced her yet. 
She has a nasty bad thyroid problem that keeps her physically exhausted and sick all the time. This combined with her nasty anxiety problem says that I would be a jerk to leave her in this condition with 4 kids. The kids all need a father in their lives especially during their teenage years. She's been quite nice the past few weeks but I need some sort of communication or physical touch that says i'm not just the guy with the paycheck.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Hmmm.. you answered all questions but mine.. 

How long is the list?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What kind of thyroid problem? Hypo or hyper? I have had hypothyroidism for about 15 years and while yes sometimes your body systems can be out of whack and the repercussions can snowball, it IS manageable so using thyroid as an excuse for untreated anxiety and inability to solve conflict is, IMO, utter horse manure.

SlyGuy, you're gonna have to stop feeding her beast of emotional entitlement and grudge holding. The issues she claims as justification for hating you, while remaining your wife are at best thin ice.

Read the standard books for men in your situation:
No More Mr Nice Guy
Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S.
Married Man's Sex Life Primer

If your wife won't go into therapy, there is no hope for your marriage.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> T,
> The way this has played out is fairly simple:
> - She fully expects all the benefits of being his wife
> AND
> ...



MEM, as always, economy of words with the greatest impact.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

SlyGuy said:


> If my wife wanted a grand gesture from me then I really wish she would have communicated this to me earlier. What was I supposed to do to him that I didn't do? No, I don't or have I ever hung out with him nor do I have a desire to hang out with him. Now that you know this information, would you still want to divorce me? I'm really interested in your post because you're exhibiting some of the same behaviors and logic as my wife. Maybe understanding your take would help me better understand my wife.


Have you asked her now? What did she want you to do then? What does she want you to do now? 

I see both sides. One part of me understands that she needed to communicate with you about it, the other part of me feels I would have been disappointed if I had to. 

In my head, it would be common sense to cut off the brother 100% and take the lead in making a stand with your wife and children against anyone who disagreed with that.

I know my H, I wouldn't have to say a thing. He would have taken care of it. He's the type to be too protective at times. He put himself in the protector role and he would live up to that. 

Had he not, I could see myself losing respect and feeling like I couldn't count on him or feel safe with him to be in that role. One big thing that keeps my attraction is I know there is nothing he wouldn't do to protect his children from harm. That's attractive and sexy, at least for me as a Mother. 

I do disagree with her not telling you. I would have anyway, it would just change the way I saw him, but maybe she didn't have the words. Didn't know what she wanted, just knew she was upset and couldn't communicate it properly. I can't put myself in the shoes of a woman who's child was molested. I can't imagine the pain. I do also have pretty serious anxiety issues and I think that it would be even more important for my H to take the charge, make me feel safe with him as the protector. 

I agree with counseling but not because she's crazy and being a b*tch, but because she's probably in an immense amount of pain and doesn't know how to properly communicate about it. Because she may not trust you with these issues anymore or has lost respect but doesn't know exactly why.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

My ex would not have protected me, my current husband would have.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

The molestation happened 16 years ago. The molester was 13 at the time and confessed. The victim was 3 and has no memory of the event.

Can any of you state unequivocally that you would be on board with painting your 13 year old son, or 13 year old brother as a hardened pervert and tossed him out of the family for ever? I don't believe so.

This is the insidious problem with the majority of molestations; they occur within families. When the abuser is an adult who knows, or should know better, repercussions should be of a more permanent nature. But a 13 year old is an undeveloped mind, undeveloped with inconsistently applied impulse control and situational morality; a child.

Your wife did not disclose her views on what should have been done, did not -at the time- raise a flag of anger. The anger became obvious only 6 years ago, when the victim was ....13....same age that the molester was when he molested. All kinds of psychological connection, coincidences and lots of room for displacement and projection.

Your wife needs therapy with a PhD level therapist. Your marriage will continue to be horrible until she seeks treatment.

You did nothing wrong.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

SlyGuy said:


> She's a very poor communicator especially with her huge anxiety problem. Yes I would have loved for my wife to tell me exactly how she wanted me to handle things.





SlyGuy said:


> but I need some sort of communication or physical touch that says i'm not just the guy with the paycheck.



I repeat, this Marriage Help Program For Couples 

will go a long way toward equipping you both to communicate effectively and work through issues in a safe and respectful manner


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Hmmm.. you answered all questions but mine..


I noticed that BL and see red flags too.

OP Caveat on Retrouvaille: You don't qualify to attend if there is a third party in the M.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The impression I'm getting is that the wife is angry because when his mother brought up 'moving on' (several years after the molestation) the wife didn't think the op handled his mother severely enough. 

Don't understand why the wife didn't feel free to rip her mil a new one herself. She's ok with husband and kids going around the mil but she won't. Perhaps counseling for wife and mil is in order. Let them sort it out once & for all. 

If wife doesn't want to go, then you'll know that she is enjoying hanging onto her past hurt and has no intention of parting with it. It might give her a feeling of power over you.


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I mostly agree with the sentiments here. There is a couple on TAM that have been married for 30 or 40 years and the husband held on to his anger about an affair the wife had for 20 years or so. It wasn't until she apologized in just the right way that he was able to let go of the anger. 

When the affair happened, she apologized but when she did she didn't hit upon the thing that really bothered him about the affair and so he never really felt like the apology was complete until 20 years later when they had another discussion about it. 

This is the ONE straw I think you might be able to grab at. If her anger and resentment are really and truly only about this one incident and the way you handled it, you may be able to get her to say what really bothered her about it and apologize for not handling it in a way that made her feel truly protected. 

However, if her anger and resentment is caused by thyroid issues or mental illness...that's a different situation with a different solution.

From what you've said, I don't think there's anything else you can do to be the man she wants because it isn't about you - it's about her. She needs to know herself, take care of herself, and be willing to express herself. Sometimes resentment and bitterness are unreasonable because they assume that responsibility lies with someone else, when really it's our own. 

I hear that you don't want to be the bad guy considering leaving a woman who is having mental and other health issues but she is an adult. These are her responsibility, not yours. If she won't put in at least 50% of the effort to get better, you really can't help her. 

There is an in-between option which not many people here will agree with and that is...have the affair. Plan to stay married for the kids' sake until they are grown and get what you need on the side. You will still have to live with her resentment and bitterness but at least you will be getting some sex and tenderness and be fulfilling what you think are your responsibilities.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

The book Codependency No More may help you

But get rid of the list of women and give your wife the rightful chance she deserves, OP.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sly,

You and I completely disagree on this point. 

And every husband lets himself get beaten down to the degree you have has some similarities. They self describe as having two options:
1. Divorce (your reasoning on why you want to avoid this is perfectly fine)
2. Suck it up

We both know you have a LOT of choices that are less aggressive than divorce and WAY MORE assertive than 'suck it up'. 

Your issue is that you want to use kindness and reason to find your way out of a bad situation. 

How's that working for you? 






SlyGuy said:


> the only reason it points to weakness is because I haven't divorced her yet.
> She has a nasty bad thyroid problem that keeps her physically exhausted and sick all the time. This combined with her nasty anxiety problem says that I would be a jerk to leave her in this condition with 4 kids. The kids all need a father in their lives especially during their teenage years. She's been quite nice the past few weeks but I need some sort of communication or physical touch that says i'm not just the guy with the paycheck.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> The book Codependency No More may help you
> 
> But get rid of the list of women and give your wife the rightful chance she deserves, OP.


In which post did OP indicate he had a list of women? Haven't been able to find it.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

SlyGuy said:


> In the past year I lost 40lbs, got in shape and paid off all $90k of our debts and am ready to not be lonely any more. I've had a chance to be unfaithful but maintained hope her new thyroid meds might start working and she's understand how blessed she is to have me & perhaps start meeting my needs. She has first dibs on me.


"how blessed she is to have him"? <--red flag (reminds me of the PUA "I'm God's gift to women" attitude)

completely negative portrayal of his W's perspective. He is his wife's victim <-- red flag for rewriting

"She has first dibs on me" <-- red flag. Is there someone specific in mind (or a list of them, per BL)??

didn't answer BL when she asked about OW <-- red flag

And what is a Sly Guy? Sly like a fox or a weasel? Maybe I read too much into screen names... :scratchhead:

*So Sly Guy, are you fantasizing about or chatting with any OW???
*


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

*"In the past year I lost 40lbs, got in shape and paid off all $90k of our debts and am ready to not be lonely any more. I've had a chance to be unfaithful but maintained hope her new thyroid meds might start working and she's understand how blessed she is to have me & perhaps start meeting my needs. She has first dibs on me"*

This man has *already* been preparing to exit this relationship and came here looking for validation and when I straight up asked him about other women, he has avoided answering... so it leads me to believe that not only is there one there is AT LEAST one... someone who says "my wife has first dibs" sounds to me like he has a posse.

He is more than welcome to prove me wrong. I would welcome it!


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Oh, I located his reply within a reply (my bad for skipping).

Could be that he doesn't want to dignify the accusation with a response _but_ the 'blessing' attitude *is* skeevy and unrealistic as she currently has less regard for him than gum on her shoe.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

true, yet it was a mere question before it was every an accusation. His silence on the question confirmed it for me until he speaks up.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I imagine that all these years she was trying to cover up how she really felt about your family, trying to be a forgiving person etc, trying to be tolerant, but underneath it all, she hated your brother and she hated your mother for raising a child who would molest another child.

Completely unaware of all this, you see only her surface attempts at trying to move past it all that were in reality, failing, and you go on your merry way, visiting family, forgiving and forgetting in her eyes.

Then your mother says she should get over it and you basically agree, even if you don't say so. The dam bursts.

I would never forgive or forget. I would never tolerate that person in my life or near my child ever again. The thought sickens me.

While she has hidden her true feelings she has been hating you for your ability to just move on. She never will, and I don't blame her.

You would be nearly dead to me if you were my husband. I'm surprised she hasn't walked out on you. My husband would never tolerate that family member in his children's lives again if that'd happened to us. Your mother is an extension of her son, and if you can't blame a child for their actions, you blame their parents, and she's it. Your wife will always hate them.

Edited to add: This doesn't mean I think you should sit there and take her hatred and try to kiss the foot she's kicking you with. That's never going to work. Start standing up for yourself. You don't have to be bitter back at her, but you need to tell her when she's crossed a line. Tell her to go take her attitude out the door if she's being horrible. If you can't make her love you, at least make her respect you.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Breeze,

Do you have children?





breeze said:


> I imagine that all these years she was trying to cover up how she really felt about your family, trying to be a forgiving person etc, trying to be tolerant, but underneath it all, she hated your brother and she hated your mother for raising a child who would molest another child.
> 
> Completely unaware of all this, you see only her surface attempts at trying to move past it all that were in reality, failing, and you go on your merry way, visiting family, forgiving and forgetting in her eyes.
> 
> ...


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Breeze,
> 
> Do you have children?


Yes


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Dr. Phil frequently asks, what are you getting out of this and in her case, the answer is easy. complete control and justification for doing whatever she wants without blame or consequence. This sad act that you did not control now allows her to be as difficult and unpleasant as possible always justifying her actions by this incident. 

First, this constant nasty, manipulative bull**** is getting neither of you anywhere. You need to stand up for yourself, have a good fight and stop catering to her neuroses or supposed ones. According to you, a counselor tried to address the issue, "During the first meeting was suggested we learn how to fall back in love with each other again" by going out on dates and start being romantic. This backfired because my wife needs help getting over her anger first! my wife wouldn't try the suggestions because she's still angry at me. she's not ready to be nice yet." Let me correct your description. Wife explained that she does not want to lose or relinguish any part of her control or dominance, as she put the leash back on her husband, yelling sit down boy. 

People make mistakes in marriages and their spouses get over them. You need to be more assertive and have a good fight and let her knew the bull**** is ending. You aren't helping your children by enabling her behavior. You are entitled to a normal life.


----------



## Joe75 (Oct 12, 2013)

Hi SlyGuy

The question has been asked if you are/have been involved with another woman. So far you have not answered.

The question is relevant as so far the majority of advice that has been given is based on the assumption that there is not another woman. If this is not correct, then provided advice and recommendations for consideration will be lacking in aspect/relevance as this significant disclosure was not factored in. 

If there is not another woman, then I recommend you state such so time is not wasted on a red herring. If the answer is yes; but, you do not wish to state so - I ask you to consider the following.

This is an anonymous thread, we do not know you and you do not know us in real life (IRL). The advantage is an OP can be brutally honest about the situation one finds one in which is perhaps not available IRL. With this honesty, the likelihood is that the TAM folks, collectively with considerable life experience and knowledge, will frame well-considered advice and recommendations applicable to your situation. 

Yes, if there is another woman, there will probably be the initial ‘fury’ shown to WS. But, if you stay engaged in an honest manner, there will be TAM folks who will want to help you (just do not mistake frank advice with a personal attack). In the end, you will be better served noting you came to TAM for help.

So SlyGuy, is there another woman?

Regards 

Joe75


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

If you don't mind sharing, how old are they? 

There's a reason I'm asking. 




breeze said:


> Yes


----------



## SlyGuy (Jan 14, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> The impression I'm getting is that the wife is angry because when his mother brought up 'moving on' (several years after the molestation) the wife didn't think the op handled his mother severely enough. *yes*
> 
> Don't understand why the wife didn't feel free to rip her mil a new one herself. *my wife did rip my mother a new one.. and I let her do it without saying much... I think my mom was wrong at the time* Perhaps counseling for wife and mil is in order. Let them sort it out once & for all. *you mean get them in the same room together?... lol that would never happen*
> 
> If wife doesn't want to go, then you'll know that she is enjoying hanging onto her past hurt and has no intention of parting with it. It might give her a feeling of power over you.





firebelly1 said:


> If her anger and resentment are really and truly only about this one incident and the way you handled it, you may be able to get her to say what really bothered her about it and apologize for not handling it in a way that made her feel truly protected. *Yes a few weeks ago she saw me looking at apartments on the web and asked if I was going to move out. I told her it depends if she keeps distancing herself from out marriage.. then all hell broke loose and she screamed at the top of her lungs for 15 minutes... instead of screaming back at her I felt like it was therapy for her and just let her get it out hoping it would help heal her. She's being her normal distant self again... but she did let me take her out on a dinner date last week ... which usually she would decline *
> 
> However, if her anger and resentment is caused by thyroid issues or mental illness...that's a different situation with a different solution. *Yes... i've thought about this alot and I'm just not sure. *
> 
> ...


 true that I am indeed lonely.. but I don't know anyone to have an affair with... which I guess is a good thing. Also I doubt my religious morals would let me commit adultery... even though it sounds fun.



Blossom Leigh said:


> But get rid of the list of women and give your wife the rightful chance she deserves, OP.


 a list of women? 
I did have a divorced high school girlfriend chat with me on facebook a couple yrs ago and it felt great! a real mature attractive woman that was interested in me made me feel wanted and attractive... so yeah I might be ripe for an affair... but I don't know anyone. Owning my own business keeps me very busy as to where I just don't know any women


----------



## SlyGuy (Jan 14, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Have you asked her now? What did she want you to do then? What does she want you to do now?
> 
> I see both sides. One part of me understands that she needed to communicate with you about it, the other part of me feels I would have been disappointed if I had to.
> 
> ...


yes she told me she wishes I would have stepped up more back then. The problem is I thought I was stepping up. I didn't know she wanted me to step up even more than I was. I did ask her what I could've done about it and she screamed about how it's not her job to teach me how to be a man. (ouch) 
I then asked her what I could do about it now.... she shrugged her shoulders and said she didn't know. I asked if she wanted me to drive 2 hrs to my folks house and punch my mom in the face... if that would make me look more like a man. (she didn't answer)
I really like this post because my wife does feel unprotected and that she can't trust me and that she has lost respect. Whereas if I feel I'm even more protective now. I tell my teenage kids to be home at midnight... I ask my daughter to introduce me to the boys she's dating. I've raised my 2 sons properly to respect women and to ask the father of the girls they date what time they want their daughters home etc. The problem I have is that I think I HAVE been protecting my wife and kids.... but she keeps playing that one incident over and over like a movie. I watch my kids like a hawk especially after what happened years ago and my wife even tells me to lighten up sometimes. Yes you are right.. .she has lost respect for me because of this. She doesn't feel like I protected her adequately from my mother.. whereas I felt I was doing a fine job until years later when I found out she didn't like the job I was doing. And no she won't go to counseling with me. We had a bad experience with a marriage couselor together because she wasn't ready to fall in love with me again. She needs individual counseling that targets her resentment but she won't go because she thinks it's her health issues that cause it ...which she claims to be working on


----------



## SlyGuy (Jan 14, 2014)

breeze said:


> I would never tolerate that person in my life or near my child ever again. The thought sickens me.
> 
> While she has hidden her true feelings she has been hating you for your ability to just move on. She never will, and I don't blame her.
> 
> You would be nearly dead to me if you were my husband. I'm surprised she hasn't walked out on you. My husband would never tolerate that family member in his children's lives again if that'd happened to us. Your mother is an extension of her son, and if you can't blame a child for their actions, you blame their parents, and she's it. Your wife will always hate them.


I would be dead to you if I were your husband?.. ok I'm listening as to why your bitterness towards me rivals that of my wife. That brother isn't really in my life. so I don't think that's an issue. Yes I have chosen to move on. It's the right thing to do... but what does that mean to you? do you think that means I welcome the abuser back in my life. Does it mean I will trust that person again? No, it does not mean that. I've chosen not to just forgive.. but to not make it consume me and affect things like my marriage. I'm not a bitter person. And yes I think she's upset because I don't have the nasty mindset that she does.


----------



## SlyGuy (Jan 14, 2014)

Joe75 said:


> Hi SlyGuy
> 
> The question has been asked if you are/have been involved with another woman. So far you have not answered.
> 
> ...


everyone relax. I own and run a small business and am in the midst of doing end of year financials and haven't had time to be on this forum the last several days. Wow the speculation has built up something fierce. No I'm not involved with another woman. A couple years ago an old highschool flame and I chatted with each other on the internet and it was great! but I was quickly turned off when she pushed me to file for divorce. She eventually ended up marrying some other guy she was dating and I was happy for her. Since then I haven't met any other women. But it was nice for my esteem to see that I still had it.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

SlyGuy said:


> everyone relax. I own and run a small business and am in the midst of doing end of year financials and haven't had time to be on this forum the last several days. Wow the speculation has built up something fierce. No I'm not involved with another woman. A couple years ago an old highschool flame and I chatted with each other on the internet and it was great! but I was quickly turned off when she pushed me to file for divorce. She eventually ended up marrying some other guy she was dating and I was happy for her. Since then I haven't met any other women. But it was nice for my esteem to see that I still had it.


I knew I sensed an EA. Even if it was two years ago the "heart talk" of it still lingers in your words as you tell your story. Does your wife know about it?


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

SlyGuy said:


> yes she told me she wishes I would have stepped up more back then. The problem is I thought I was stepping up. I didn't know she wanted me to step up even more than I was. I did ask her what I could've done about it and she screamed about how it's not her job to teach me how to be a man. (ouch)
> I then asked her what I could do about it now.... she shrugged her shoulders and said she didn't know. I asked if she wanted me to drive 2 hrs to my folks house and punch my mom in the face... if that would make me look more like a man. (she didn't answer)
> I really like this post because my wife does feel unprotected and that she can't trust me and that she has lost respect. Whereas if I feel I'm even more protective now. I tell my teenage kids to be home at midnight... I ask my daughter to introduce me to the boys she's dating. I've raised my 2 sons properly to respect women and to ask the father of the girls they date what time they want their daughters home etc. The problem I have is that I think I HAVE been protecting my wife and kids.... but she keeps playing that one incident over and over like a movie. I watch my kids like a hawk especially after what happened years ago and my wife even tells me to lighten up sometimes. Yes you are right.. .she has lost respect for me because of this. She doesn't feel like I protected her adequately from my mother.. whereas I felt I was doing a fine job until years later when I found out she didn't like the job I was doing. And no she won't go to counseling with me. We had a bad experience with a marriage couselor together because she wasn't ready to fall in love with me again. She needs individual counseling that targets her resentment but she won't go because she thinks it's her health issues that cause it ...which she claims to be working on


I understand her feelings but I also understand how they aren't fair to you. 
It's really too bad she won't go back to C. 
IMO both of you have valid feelings and if there was more communication and understanding of each others it could be worked on. 

But that means too that you have to acknowledge her feelings as valid. For me, if my H said "_I asked if she wanted me to drive 2 hrs to my folks house and punch my mom in the face... if that would make me look more like a man_." I would have rolled my eyes and just felt like he didn't "get" it.

Have you ever said you were sorry for how it was handled? Not an I'm sorry but you didn't tell me what you wanted. Just an "I'm sorry that I let you down by the way I dealt with this situation. I know you wanted me to take the lead on this" and let her talk about how it made her feel. Listen non-defensively.

Once she feels heard she may open up more and listen to your side too. How hard it was on you, how you felt during that time. How it feels now knowing she's lost respect.


----------

