# I don't understand my GF's jealousy



## manchild (Nov 9, 2009)

I am at my wits end regarding my girlfriend's jealousy.

I just got divorced and while I was in the process of getting the divorce i allowed my soon to be ex to come to my home to walk our dogs

She asked for the dogs in the settlement agreement and I agreed, but then she moved into an apt which doesn't take dogs so she asked if I could keep them until she found a suitable place.

again I agreed wanting to keep things copacetic until the divorce was finalized

this involved her coming to the house when I wasn't home and retrieving and walking the dogs

this made my gf extremely agitated

I didn't care bc I wasn't there when my ex came by


now I've finally gotten the divorce to go through and my ex isn't coming around any more (my gf scared her off)

but there's a new issue, my son's mother (we were never married but we have a great relationship) has asked if she can crash at my place while I'm gone on deployment with the military, again I have no problem with that, but my gf is crazed by the fact I would even consider it, my son's mom wants to get up early and go fishing and since i live near the ocean it would help her a bunch to get up and go from my place which is an hour closer to the beach

I'm confused, I have always tried to do my best to keep my son's mother happy and feeling loved since I wasn't able to give her my heart, I have tried to give her all that I can

what is wrong with allowing my son's mom to crash at my place when I'm gone?

I just don't get it


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I'm almost divorced and have a fairly serious GF. She can get jealous of my STBX, even though I have 0 feelings for her but want things to be amicable due to our kids. 

My view is that women who have been screwed over by men have trust issues and having someone you had sex with in the past interact with you gives them anxiety. We men don't see the issue, because we have no desire to put our d!cks in them and just want no drama and for us to get along with everyone.


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## manchild (Nov 9, 2009)

exactly I just want to get along with everyone........worried that this may create a wall between my gf and I as I really do like her, but I can't deal with this negative crap, have no time for it


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Yup, I get it. You need to set her down and tell her this can't continue if there is to be a future between us. These people were in my lives before you and I can't just shut them out because it makes you uncomfortable. Good luck!

Remember... always ask yourself, "Is the fcking I'm getting worth the fcking I'm taking?"


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I don't blame your girlfriend.

I try to put myself in her position, and this is what I see:

*You are entirely too comfortable with your STBX being in your home unsupervised
*You are entirely too comfortable with your baby's mama being in your home unsupervised

From the outside in, it looks like boundary problems. Now, in fairness, it may not be, and maybe you are part of that .001% that can actually remain trusting friends with his STBX and baby's mama. But your GF is looking at this and thinking you are entirely too chummy with both of them.

And again, I don't blame her. If I were dating a girlfriend who allowed her STBXH and her baby's daddy to be in and out of her home unsupervised, she would be my ex-girlfriend in short order.

On a separate note, coming from someone who hung his boots up in 2013 after 20 years, 3 months and 9 days, stay safe in the sand box, brother.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You have poor ex boundaries and are going to have this problem with a lot of women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manchild (Nov 9, 2009)

thanks all for the feedback, I guess I do have poor 'boundary setting skills' ....... I have no feelings for my ex and or baby's momma, except I guess a "brotherly" concern for their general well being

I do understand her (my gf) feelings about my ex wife, but my son's mom and I are really just good friends, she and I successfully raised a really good kid, and I consider her to be a good and trusted friend, I WANT to be good to her as I am hoping to show my son that his mother is someone that deserves to loved and respected

My gf it seems will only be satisfied if there is a wall between me and my son's mom

And since I don't want there to be a wall, then yes I am a failure at setting boundaries with her


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your son's mama is not your friend, she's your son's mama and where she stays isn't your responsibility.

It's also not your job to love her, and you can respect her with good boundaries. There's a reason that exes do not make good friends.

Maybe you need to find someone who's ok with boundaries like this....but I have to tell you that it's not going to be easy.

Would you be ok with your gf letting her ex stay at her place and letting himself in to her place?


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

manchild said:


> thanks all for the feedback, I guess I do have poor 'boundary setting skills' ....... I have no feelings for my ex and or baby's momma, except I guess a "brotherly" concern for their general well being
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Have you told your GF this? I don't get why she's still with you.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I get it. My ex and I are extremely amicable and do lots of family things together with the kids, my partner is fine with this as he knows I have no romantic feelings for my ex.

My partner also does family things with his ex and kids and for the most part I am ok with it. The issue we have is that his ex is very manipulative and has severe mental health issues. I do not trust this woman at all. Most events they have been to I am fine with but have put my foot down a couple of times where I can see her manipulation shining through.

If your gf has no reason not to trust you then she needs to chill out. You don't just cut people out of your life because they are an ex. unless there is a very good reason eg. they are violent. It is very possible to remain friends with an ex and have good boundaries, it is not up to your gf to tell you who you can and cannot have in your life.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm a second wife to a man with an ex wife and daughter. We obviously have to have contact with the ex due to the daughter, and things are, for the most part, amicable between them. We all go to school functions etc. together and all is well (if my presence caused issues I wouldn't go, but wouldn't expect my husband not to go). 

There is NO way in he!l that his ex wife will ever stay in our home. I wouldn't tolerate it now, no way. As a gf I wouldn't have either, but as only a gf, I could have done was walk away when my boundary was crossed. As a wife, it's different - this is MY home too. There is only room for one woman here.

Don't get me wrong, things are very cordial, she comes in when she drops off SD, and we go in her place when we drop SD back, we chat about school, SD's various appointments etc. but that's it. SD sees hubby treat her mother respectfully. Ex wife doesn't need to stay in our home for their daughter to see her treated with respect.

You can end things with this gf if you like but I promise you, she is not the problem. You will have this issue in every relationship going forward. I don't know a single person, man or woman who would tolerate what you're asking your gf to.


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## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

I don't see a problem if you aren't going to be around. There seems to be conflicting opinions here, but I don't see any real issue, if you were home and interacting, absolutely...


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Like many stories here, you probably are banging your ex wife and also the baby mama, maybe both at same time. If not, it's just a matter of time.

If you want GF to stay around for possible LTR, you better erect those boundaries now. 

Doesn't matter if you are not home. Your GF does not want to sleep in the same bed with you after your exes have crashed, slept over, visited, touched or looked at.


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## manchild (Nov 9, 2009)

spinsterdurga said:


> Have you told your GF this? I don't get why she's still with you.


I don't understand what you mean, is wanting to be friends with my son's mother so horribly selfish that it is a full stop deal breaker are you being serious or did I misinterpret your meaning?


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## manchild (Nov 9, 2009)

blueinbr said:


> Like many stories here, you probably are banging your ex wife and also the baby mama, maybe both at same time. If not, it's just a matter of time.
> 
> If you want GF to stay around for possible LTR, you better erect those boundaries now.
> 
> Doesn't matter if you are not home. Your GF does not want to sleep in the same bed with you after your exes have crashed, slept over, visited, touched or looked at.



You are incorrect on both counts, I slept with my son's mother one time when our child was conceived, it is long story but I didn't find out i was the father until he was 3, and at that point I knew I didn't want to sleep with her again as it would only complicate matters so we've simply just been partner parents to our son, he's 21 now so our job is done, yet I still honor her as a good mother and someone I've trusted to raise our child with my support

As far as my ex wife, I haven't slept with her since sometime back in 2012 when we were still married, towards the end the aspect of having sex with her was .... uncomfortable, hence I had to leave her as there was no love any more when we made love, I was a million miles away

so no you are incorrect

now my gf may think I harbor some feelings for my ex and son's mom but I dont', yet i do feel a kinship with my son's mother as our relationship has become a positive in my son's life and as such I feel it is appropriate to continue to be nice and respectful towards her


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

Is your GF living in your house because it reads like that (she is there when the XW gets the dogs but you are not there, she scared her away)?


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## manchild (Nov 9, 2009)

frusdil said:


> There is NO way in he!l that his ex wife will ever stay in our home. I wouldn't tolerate it now, no way. As a gf I wouldn't have either, but as only a gf, I could have done was walk away when my boundary was crossed. As a wife, it's different - this is MY home too. There is only room for one woman here.


I think you've hit the nail on the head, this is the core issue, that my GF wants, for lack of better word, sovereignty over my household as she sees this as her place on the horizon

what people who've responded here may or may not get is that my son's mother is not a threat to my GF, as far as I go, she's not someone I'm interested in pursuing a relationship with, the problem however is that she'll always be my son's mother and as such I'll always hold her in high esteem because that is how I want my son to treat her as this will make him a better man

part of this feeling is a desire to share with her as I've always done all that could share, my money, my time which is why she feels comfortable asking to crash at my place when I'm not there (I'm deployed with the USAF) so she can go fishing early in the morning bc I live near the ocean, she lives an hour away

So I guess my gf is feeling to use your words that HER boundary has been breached, which I do understand, I just didn't know or don't know when it became hers...chuckle


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

manchild said:


> You are incorrect on both counts, I slept with my son's mother one time when our child was conceived, it is long story but I didn't find out i was the father until he was 3, and at that point I knew I didn't want to sleep with her again as it would only complicate matters so we've simply just been partner parents to our son, he's 21 now so our job is done, yet I still honor her as a good mother and someone I've trusted to raise our child with my support
> 
> As far as my ex wife, I haven't slept with her since sometime back in 2012 when we were still married, towards the end the aspect of having sex with her was .... uncomfortable, hence I had to leave her as there was no love any more when we made love, I was a million miles away
> 
> ...


I meant no disrespect. Many stories here talk about a wife worrying that the husband is talking to or cheating with exes. That may be a concern of your GF. The logic of it may escape us guys but you just should understand it is something that bothers your GF.


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## manchild (Nov 9, 2009)

rzmpf said:


> Is your GF living in your house because it reads like that (she is there when the XW gets the dogs but you are not there, she scared her away)?



she lives up the street so it has become convoluted, she lives at my house sometimes and other times at her own, sorry that is an important point it is an important point bc since she lives in the neighborhood any time my ex or my son's mother come over (my ex visits the dogs, my son's mother visits her son) they both invade my GF territorial boundaries just be being in the same neighborhood

I forwarded the email to my GF that my son's mother sent me about her request to crash on my couch, this is when this whole thing blew up


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

manchild said:


> I don't understand what you mean, is wanting to be friends with my son's mother so horribly selfish that it is a full stop deal breaker are you being serious or did I misinterpret your meaning?





: "


manchild said:


> I have always tried to do my best to keep my son's mother happy and feeling loved since I wasn't able to give her my heart, I have tried to give her all that I can




I'd walk away from a man whose mission in life is to try to give his son's mother everything he can regardless of what I think. It's not your job to make her feel loved.

I recently dated someone who had 0 boundaries with his ex. She insulted me, bad mouthed me to their kid and demanded he stopped seeing me. So if I were your girlfriend, I'd dump you and go find someone 
Who doesn't have your issues. 


Why is she opposed to your son's mother crashing at your place? 

Anyway, I meant to ask whether you told your girlfriend the truth? To answer your question, no I wouldn't have a problem with an ex coming to your place to walk the dog or come crashing while you're not there unless the ex was disrespectful to me. However, I'm not your GF. You need to consider her feelings. Your GF needs to walk because you two don't have the same boundaries when it comes to exes.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

manchild said:


> what people who've responded here may or may not get is that my son's mother is not a threat to my GF, as far as I go, she's not someone I'm interested in pursuing a relationship with, the problem however is that she'll always be my son's mother and as such I'll always hold her in high esteem because that is how I want my son to treat her as this will make him a better man


Wow. If more people could take your approach to co-parenting there would be far more well adjusted children. I wish I could show the same example to my D with XW. Respect.



manchild said:


> part of this feeling is a desire to share with her as I've always done all that could share, my money, my time which is why she feels comfortable asking to crash at my place when I'm not there (I'm deployed with the USAF) so she can go fishing early in the morning bc I live near the ocean, she lives an hour away


I could understand her having an issue if you were there, it would be understandable, but since it's your place and you're nowhere around then it really shouldn't bother her. If she is looking long term then a good relationship with your son's mother will be far better for her than constant fighting.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

manchild said:


> I think you've hit the nail on the head, this is the core issue, that my GF wants, for lack of better word, sovereignty over my household as she sees this as her place on the horizon
> 
> what people who've responded here may or may not get is that my son's mother is not a threat to my GF, as far as I go, she's not someone I'm interested in pursuing a relationship with, the problem however is that she'll always be my son's mother and as such I'll always hold her in high esteem because that is how I want my son to treat her as this will make him a better man
> 
> ...


Have you told your girlfriend this? Have you communicated with her your desire to remain in your son's mothers life?

Please be honest with yourself, your son is 21 years old. Most men would cut ties with their children's mother after the child turns 18. 

Are you a people pleaser? Do you want people to like you?

Personally I would not have a problem with her staying at your place. I think it is admirable of you to let her stay. I am NOT an overly jealous person, so...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I don't see a problem here - except with your gf. IMO, the boundaries that need setting are with her - your boundaries with the exes sound fine. She may not trust your exes, but you do, and have the experience to make that judgment rationally. Since you won't even be there, letting one stay briefly is simple kindness towards a trusted friend. If you'd let anyone else you trusted as much stay while you are away, then they are no different.

People who can make rational judgments rather than reflexive emotional ones make good choices, typically. I think that's the kind of person you're portraying yourself as. I understand this, as I have even had my gf's ex bf stay at my condo while I was away, because he's a decent and trustworthy guy who appreciated the money-saving gesture. I've stayed overnight with ex gfs for similar reasons. I don't see a problem, except for irrational perceptions.


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## manchild (Nov 9, 2009)

spinsterdurga said:


> : "I'd walk away from a man whose mission in life is to try to give his son's mother everything he can regardless of what I think. It's not your job to make her feel loved.
> 
> I recently dated someone who had 0 boundaries with his ex. She insulted me, bad mouthed me to their kid and demanded he stopped seeing me. So if I were your girlfriend, I'd dump you and go find someone
> Who doesn't have your issues.
> ...


excuse me spinsterdurga but please explain , what issues do i have?

normally I applaud and support as those that tell you the 'harsh truths' are believable and candid ......... however you come across as very very jaded and harsh 



spinsterdurga said:


> : I meant to ask whether you told your girlfriend the truth?


what truth do you refer to?

I will ask you in turn to be honest with yourself, If what i say is true and all I want to is to be kind to my son's mother, what is wrong with that?

it sounds like you have had a hard life's worth of extremely bad treatment, but don't take that out on me because I have a positive relationship with the mother of my son

again I do want you to be honest but if your personal experience which sounds very very toxic is influencing your response to me then it isn't relevant


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## manchild (Nov 9, 2009)

ne9907 said:


> Have you told your girlfriend this? Have you communicated with her your desire to remain in your son's mothers life?
> 
> Please be honest with yourself, your son is 21 years old. Most men would cut ties with their children's mother after the child turns 18.
> 
> ...


ne9907, 

first, am I a people pleaser?

as the child a broken home where my brother blamed my mother for driving away my father (false btw, my dad was a serial cheater) , and having to come between them when it came to blows...........yes I learned to please people.. it is what I needed to do to create harmony in my home

regarding the rest..........

you make a good point, from the start I had intended to be very prominent to both my son and his mother for the first several years of our relationship, when my son was aged 5 - around 8 ish...then I intended to move towards a focus just on my son .........but as time went on what my son really really grooved on was both his parents being together.......duh! he wanted us to be a family I get it......... so I adjusted and she adjusted so we would be there .......both .........at the same time for his birthdays......christmases........etc

and then it became a habit

yes i agree that if you look at this from an outsider's perspective and you see that my son is now 21 (he just graduated from USAF basic training and now becoming a aircrew member on a C-17 .........proud father moment :smile2: ) and we STILL are getting together for him........yep a little weird ........but hey it's worked up to this point why not both get together and revel in our son's success........he still grooves on the fact that his mom and dad can be there at the same time for him.........is it weird.......yeah it is a little but less so if you consider the fact that it makes us happy........

now factor in my gf's feelings...........I get it............ she is on the outside looking in........... well I don't know if I can help her on this one......... we're just going to have to create our own family with our grandchildren to bond together around

does this mean I need to build a wall between my son's mother and myself? I hope not


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## manchild (Nov 9, 2009)

Married but Happy said:


> I don't see a problem here - except with your gf. IMO, the boundaries that need setting are with her - your boundaries with the exes sound fine. She may not trust your exes, but you do, and have the experience to make that judgment rationally. Since you won't even be there, letting one stay briefly is simple kindness towards a trusted friend. If you'd let anyone else you trusted as much stay while you are away, then they are no different.
> 
> People who can make rational judgments rather than reflexive emotional ones make good choices, typically. I think that's the kind of person you're portraying yourself as. I understand this, as I have even had my gf's ex bf stay at my condo while I was away, because he's a decent and trustworthy guy who appreciated the money-saving gesture. I've stayed overnight with ex gfs for similar reasons. I don't see a problem, except for irrational perceptions.


thank you .......... that is what my gut tells me as well


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## manchild (Nov 9, 2009)

WonkyNinja said:


> I could understand her having an issue if you were there, it would be understandable, but since it's your place and you're nowhere around then it really shouldn't bother her. If she is looking long term then a good relationship with your son's mother will be far better for her than constant fighting.


thanks for the kind words....... to be fair I must add that she (my GF) lives up the street to it appears to her (when my ex or my son's mom) they come to visit to be a breach in her territory as well, but so be it, I still need to accommodate my son's mother......... she'll always be his mom


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to respect your current relationship. Period. I would absolutely NOT be cool with an ex of my SO staying at their place, no way, no how. You can have amicable, friendly relationships with these women, but to expect ANY GF to accept them being in your space is out of line. No good GF would tolerate this. (or good BF if roles were reversed)


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

manchild said:


> thanks for the kind words....... to be fair I must add that she (my GF) lives up the street to it appears to her (when my ex or my son's mom) they come to visit to be a breach in her territory as well, but so be it, I still need to accommodate my son's mother......... she'll always be his mom


Sorry but no, you don't. She doesn't belong in your home.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Of course, if your gf is irrationally jealous, she may break up with you over this. It's up to you to decide if she's worth keeping. If you give in on this, what else will she demand? Respect goes both ways. Would she respect your wishes if you make an irrational fuss about something - or a rational request she dislikes?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Of course, if your gf is irrationally jealous, she may break up with you over this. It's up to you to decide if she's worth keeping. If you give in on this, what else will she demand? Respect goes both ways. Would she respect your wishes if you make an irrational fuss about something - or a rational request she dislikes?


This issue is not irrational jealousy. Any ex has no business staying over in their ex's home. Good partners wouldn't tolerate this and should not be expected to.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> This issue is not irrational jealousy. Any ex has no business staying over in their ex's home. Good partners wouldn't tolerate this and should not be expected to.


I disagree with your assertion - it depends on circumstances and rational judgment, not knee-jerk bias.


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## manchild (Nov 9, 2009)

Married but Happy said:


> Of course, if your gf is irrationally jealous, she may break up with you over this. It's up to you to decide if she's worth keeping. If you give in on this, what else will she demand? Respect goes both ways. Would she respect your wishes if you make an irrational fuss about something - or a rational request she dislikes?


this is what I struggle with......if I don't acknowledge her feelings then I'm an insensitive jerk, yet if I acknowledge them ..well then I've just legitimized a POV which I don't really believe to be true.......hence creating a rod for my own back


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

manchild said:


> this is what I struggle with......if I don't acknowledge her feelings then I'm an insensitive jerk, yet if I acknowledge them ..well then I've just legitimized a POV which I don't really believe to be true.......hence creating a rod for my own back


This will likely be an issue with ANY GF you may end up with...so if you break up with this one over this issue, just keep in mind that this has a high likelihood of happening again with someone else. Also if you find someone who is cool with it, then expect that YOU will have to be cool with their ex's doing the same things as you and yours.

Ex's are a necessary evil when you have children, but they can be very very bad for relationships if no boundaries are in place and enforced.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I think you should end your relationship with your girlfriend. It's apparent she's not going to be okay with your relationships with your exes. You, on the other hand seem to view her as irrational and don't intend to budge from your own position. Whether either of your views on this topic are rational or irrational, neither of you are likely to change your minds. And trying to get one another to do so will most likely just feel dismissive and disrespectful to the other.

The two of you are incompatible on a major issue that neither of you is willing to drop in favor of the other's viewpoint. That's a problem, no matter what the issue in question is.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

manchild said:


> this is what I struggle with......if I don't acknowledge her feelings then I'm an insensitive jerk, yet if I acknowledge them ..well then I've just legitimized a POV which I don't really believe to be true.......hence creating a rod for my own back


Acknowledge them, definitely - her feelings are real, whether or not they make sense to you. You don't have to agree with them or act on them contrary to your own opinion, but she needs to know that you hear her but disagree.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

manchild said:


> 1. excuse me spinsterdurga but please explain , what issues do i have?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




1. Issues= wanting to make your son's mother feel loved and give her everything you can (i.e. Your time). *I would see it as an issue if a man I was with said that* 

2. If you don't want me to reply to your post, I won't. Just let me know. 

3. Did you tell her exactly what you told us? She seems to not understand your stand. She can either accept it or get out because [i think] you're not going to change your boundaries. 

4. There's a difference between being kind and wanting to make her feel loved. I'm sorry but I don't see why you need to make her feel loved and if a man were to tell me this, I would be gone. For the record, I wouldn't have a problem with an ex staying at your place while you're not there as long as she was respectful; however, I'm not your GF. You have to take her feelings in consideration. 

5. LOL. I'm not taking anything out on you. I just wrote what I thought. 

6. You're entitled to your opinion. I have nothing to lose since it's not my relationship.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Rowan said:


> OP, I think you should end your relationship with your girlfriend. It's apparent she's not going to be okay with your relationships with your exes. You, on the other hand seem to view her as irrational and don't intend to budge from your own position. Whether either of your views on this topic are rational or irrational, neither of you are likely to change your minds. And trying to get one another to do so will most likely just feel dismissive and disrespectful to the other.
> 
> The two of you are incompatible on a major issue that neither of you is willing to drop in favor of the other's viewpoint. That's a problem, no matter what the issue in question is.


There is merit here.

You seem to be putting more into the ex and the baby mama than your girlfriend. 

Your GF doesn't have jealousy issues like people are saying - she has reality issues - like she is coming into the reality that she isn't the priority to you that she thought she was.

Perhaps you should move on and try to find someone who is more compatible with your views of putting ex and baby mama ahead of them.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

I agree that you are going to have this issue with 99.8% of any GF's. What role did this reverence for the Baby Mama play in your divorce from XW?

My XBIL is a stand up guy. He and his XW wrote the book on coparentibg (or codependency depending on your outlook). She was at every family holiday and get together - why shouldn't she? They always had done that and their divorce was amicable. He married my sister and had a child with her and the tradition continued. My nephew was 8 when my sister married his father and at his Bar Mitzvah at age 13 there were family members that didn't even know he had divorced, let alone remarried and had another child. And some still had no idea when he went through another divorce. 

My nephew is now 21. His most recent GF, who seemed a perfect match for him, broke up with him - guess why? XW/Baby Mama. They would post an inside joke on FB, guess who would like it first, always?

Your GF has nowhere to go in this relationship. You have already told her she is #3 (son, BM, her). My sister thought she would move up in ranks when she had their child, that she would at least be equal to the original BM. Nope. That spot was taken and not being relinquished. 

BTW, my XBIL has no romantic interests in his XW either. None. But he will keep losing good women because he honors his son's mother above all else. And his son is not learning to be a better man because of it. He is going through life wondering why his dad isn't with his mother. And my niece (my blood) is wondering why she is lesser.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

ne9907 said:


> Have you told your girlfriend this? Have you communicated with her your desire to remain in your son's mothers life?
> 
> *Please be honest with yourself, your son is 21 years old. Most men would cut ties with their children's mother after the child turns 18. *
> 
> ...


Not IME. My parents remained friends (albeit strained at at times). My ex and I will be remain friends well after our children are 18, our boy is already over 18. Why would two parents stop co parenting or being in each others lives just because the kid turns 18?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

manchild said:


> this is what I struggle with......if I don't acknowledge her feelings then I'm an insensitive jerk, yet if I acknowledge them ..well then I've just legitimized a POV which I don't really believe to be true.......hence creating a rod for my own back


My situation is all sorts of "unique" different but similar to yours. You sound like a decent guy and your GF sounds like a normal person that sees her boundaries being crossed.

Ultimately though you should not have to dump other people from your life if they are not toxic people and by what you have said here the two ex's don't sound like bad people.
Removing an ex from all existence can be telling about a persons character if that ex is a normal, non threatening person. People are not commodities to dumped when we are done with them.

There is room in your life for all these people but it is the pecking order that needs to be reinforced. We have a saying here "you are the most important adult in my life" which means we acknowledge that we both have connections to our ex's and at times have to prioritise them due to child related issues but that does not make the ex more important.

It is possible to have ex's in your life and still have a healthy relationship. It is on your GF to accept this but you have to be totally upfront and strong about it. 

Don't go dumping existing people from your life just bc your GF is not mature enough to accept you had these people in your life before you met her.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Interesting. It's kind of funny watching how these threads play out. 

Can you add more context?
How did she scare your ex away?
Who is going to pay the rent in your place?
How much contact do you have with these women?
How many deployments have you been on?
Do they stay in contact during these deployments?

It's funny to me because you are dancing around why she might be jealous. As someone who dealt with this, it is REAL EASY to make small things huge and uncomfortable for your gf or spouse. Funnier still people are kind of saying "it is okay because of children and dogs" when it depends entirely on what you are doing. Also, I disagree, sometimes you do have to dump people who aren't toxic themselves, but create toxicity in your primary relationships.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP - your attitude towards your son's mother is truly admirable, and yes, you should absolutely respect her as the mother of your son, always. That doesn't mean that you still share your space, time and money with her though.

Your gf is not asking you to cut these women out of your life, she's asking you to show HER that SHE is your number one. That's all. If she were asking you to cut your sons mother in particular, out of your life, THAT would be unreasonable. As you say, there'll be engagements, weddings, grandchildren, birthdays the whole shebang. There's no need at all to cut them out, just put up some boundaries (walls and boundaries are not the same thing).

As the second wife, I have to share my space, time and money with another woman. I have to factor her in when planning holidays, christmas etc. She has enough of an impact on my life already, without asking to stay in my home too! Never gonna happen.

At the same time, if she were ever in trouble or needing help, my husband would help her - and I would want him to, because she's the mother of his child. That doesn't mean that we need to be all up in each others business all the time though.

Can you see what I mean?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

frusdil said:


> OP - your attitude towards your son's mother is truly admirable, and yes, you should absolutely respect her as the mother of your son, always. That doesn't mean that you still share your space, time and money with her though.
> 
> *Your gf is not asking you to cut these women out of your life*, she's asking you to show HER that SHE is your number one. That's all. If she were asking you to cut your sons mother in particular, out of your life, THAT would be unreasonable. As you say, there'll be engagements, weddings, grandchildren, birthdays the whole shebang. There's no need at all to cut them out, just put up some boundaries (walls and boundaries are not the same thing).
> 
> ...


I agree with you sweetie to a certain extent. Diff is that you are talking about your husband and your home.

OP is only just divorced so we can assume the GF is fairly new to his life. She is not his wife and they do not live together.

The GF has already scared away his ex so yes she is pushing for him to remove people from his life. The ex was not even going there when the OP was home, she was going there to walk her dogs. I sure hope the GF has volunteered to walk the dogs now.

Big difference between being married/ living together and a being the new GF. TBH I would not be investing too much time into this GF, she has already shown she is a bully, demanding and self centered.

You and I both know that it takes work to live amicably when ex's and kids are involved. Asking a new partner to dump existing people from his life (especially people that do not seem by the OPs words to be toxic or interfering) would be a big red flag for the GF to be a very controlling and jealous woman.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

LOL. He hasn't posted enough to show she is a bully. He's written it in a way that casts her in a super jealous scenario. People are filling in the blanks, including you, with how we'd handle the situation.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Everyone is different in how they deal with ex's. I've not met someone who is in a relationship who would allow an ex to stay at their place, but I learn something new everyday. I wouldn't deal with it, personally. Whether or not there is competition between your GF and the baby mama, your GF will receive it as such for a couple of reasons: (1) - Your kid is 21 years old. He's old enough to know that you and his mother are not together and each have to find your own way. (2) - You have no responsibility to her. Yes, you should treat her kindly and be respectful, but you're allowing another woman (someone you've had sex with) to live in your home while having a girlfriend that lives up the road. Even if you're not home, it seems the bond there is very strong. This is threatening to a lot of people. 


I don't think she is being irrational about the baby mama. I DO think she was being irrational about the ex W walking the dogs. I think more often than not, this will be an issue with many people. I also think that some people might even pretend that it would be okay for a while, then when you're invested - tell you it's not okay. 

So be careful. If you want to have a successful relationship, you might have to consider backing off a tad from the baby mama (I should say your grown son's mother). You can always talk to her and respect her, but if you want her to live in your home and take care of her....maybe you should date her.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> You can always talk to her and respect her, but if you want her to live in your home and take care of her....maybe you should date her.


That's not what he said at all.

He said that she could stay for a couple of days while he was away so that she could go fishing. Not exactly the romance gesture that movies are made of.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Take the whole past relationship stuff out of the picture for a moment.

You are letting people into your home when you are not there. That implies they have keys/codes to your residence, and that there is a very high level of trust from you towards them.

You say that your girlfriend spends as much time at your house as she does at her own nearby. Does she also have a key? Does she leave possessions there? Does she fear that these people, whom she barely knows at all and can't possibly trust, may arrive unexpectedly while she's at your house but you aren't home? Or that they may snoop on her stuff when the home is otherwise vacant?

Now add back in the baggage of past relationships.

She probably feels there is a lack of closure in these relationships, since you are still carrying them on past the point she would.

A woman you were attracted to enough to sleep with once, decades ago, is still in your life, in her mind unnecessarily since the resulting kid is an adult now. It's possible to treat people with respect but still not provide them with what is essentially a free hotel room. So your girlfriend wonders why you are going above and beyond for this woman.

And your ex-wife, whom you must definitely have been intensely attracted to at one point, is now using you as essentially a free kennel service. Your girlfriend wonders why you are continuing to go above and beyond for this woman, when things didn't go well enough in your marriage to stay together.

What you see as being kind and generous and helpful to people you have a vague connection to, your girlfriend sees as allowing yourself to be used by people you ought to have no lingering connections to at all anymore. She wonders why, and if the underlying reasons may be a threat to her relationship with you.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

WonkyNinja said:


> That's not what he said at all.
> 
> He said that she could stay for a couple of days while he was away so that she could go fishing. Not exactly the romance gesture that movies are made of.


A couple of days?



> has asked* if she can crash at my place while I'm gone on deployment with the military, *again I have no problem with that, but my gf is crazed by the fact I would even consider it, my son's mom wants to get up early and go fishing and since i live near the ocean it would help her a bunch to get up and go from my place which is an hour closer to the beach





> my time which is why she feels comfortable asking to crash at my place when I'm not there *(I'm deployed with the USAF) so she can go fishing early in the morning bc I live near the ocean, she lives an hour away*


I see nothing about a couple of days. He is in the USAF, thanks for your service, some readers are going to think months or longer when a person mentions military deployment. I know I did and it's why I can see both sides of the arguments. I see why some people would have problems, including the girlfriend, if the ex is staying there for an extended period of time. He said sometimes the gf lives with him as well. 

He's a great father and helped raise a great adult and has a strong bond with this woman. I applaud this as well. Yet, his gf is a negative jealous woman who needs to get past a man who STILL shares his home, time, money and life with his baby's mo...oops adult son's mother. Now, while this is going on, he is helpful with his ex. 
Could she be an insecure jealous gf that needs to be dropped? Yes.
Could he not realize how this looks to any gf? Yes.

We are missing a ton of issues as well. What's to say this closeness with his child's mom didn't hurt his marriage?


I have no clue, It's why I asked for some clarification.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

WonkyNinja said:


> That's not what he said at all.
> 
> He said that she could stay for a couple of days while he was away so that she could go fishing. Not exactly the romance gesture that movies are made of.


He said she could stay while he was deployed. USAF deployments are anywhere from 4 -12+ months...usually 6 months. So, clarification is needed on whether or not she will be staying there full time. Regardless, this would cause issues in many relationships. Honestly, I think he should move on. They are clearly not on the same page and his GF will always feel second to the baby mama. She isn't wrong in feeling that way, and he isn't wrong in wanting the baby mama to feel...loved and cared for. It's just not something that would sit well with a lot of people. I am sure there is someone out there who would be okay with this arrangement. His current GF isn't one of them.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

As a gf, I would feel much too far down the pecking order, and take it as a sign that he wasn't all that into me. Jealousy not required, but I would drift away to somewhere else.


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