# Advive from TAM ladies please



## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

Hey, I have a post on the general relationship forum regarding my wife and her paranoid beliefs. Just a brief summary in case you can't read it. I'm 25, my wife is Turning 40 in two weeks. She has major trust issues, convinced I will cheat on her and break up our family, we have 2 year old little boy together and been married just over a year

I want advice on special little things I can do for her to make her feel more comfortable in our marriage, things that will make her smile and feel loved and appreciated. Little surprises. What kinds of things do you enjoy? I desperately what this marriage to work as I love her very much and love being a family. Thank you in advance for any advice you have.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Take her to therapy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

Twofaces said:


> Take her to therapy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's a step I havnt really thought about. I will look into the therapy option further, and maybe see if my wife is willing to go. Thank you for your reply


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## Smoke (Jul 17, 2012)

My advice is to get the book "The 5 Love Languages". I just finished reading it and what it does is teach you exactly what you are asking. You will learn how to convey your love by doing the tiniest things for your wife. The trick is to figure out which things she needs. The book will show you how to figure it out.

I think you will be surprised by the results in less than a day.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

Smoke said:


> My advice is to get the book "The 5 Love Languages". I just finished reading it and what it does is teach you exactly what you are asking. You will learn how to convey your love by doing the tiniest things for your wife. The trick is to figure out which things she needs. The book will show you how to figure it out.
> 
> I think you will be surprised by the results in less than a day.


Thanks I will have to give that a read


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I agree with the previous poster. The Five Love Languages is a book everyone should read. I credit it with improving my marriage. What's important is not doing things for her that we (anonymous strangers) on the internet like, but rather what your wife likes. You need to figure out her "love language". Some people experience and express love through words of affirmation (I love you; you're beautiful; I missed you..); other by acts of service (cleaning, cooking, keeping the car maintained); gifts (flowers, jewelry, clothes...); physical touch (hugs, sex, holding hands..), quality time (time spent uninterrupted together)...
Do you get the picture? 
You need to figure out how she experiences love then show her love in that way. Of course it goes without showing she should do the same for you.

As for her trust issues, she should seek counseling for it before her insecurities tear apart your marriage. 

Have you given her a reason not to trust you? 

Trust is built when people act consistently. So if you're going to come home at a certain hour, do so. If you're going to do something for her, do it. Stay consistent and when you can't be consistent, give her a heads up so she knows and isn't worrying excessively.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Wrongdoer said:


> Hey, I have a post on the general relationship forum regarding my wife and her paranoid beliefs. Just a brief summary in case you can't read it. I'm 25, my wife is Turning 40 in two weeks. She has major trust issues, convinced I will cheat on her and break up our family, we have 2 year old little boy together and been married just over a year
> 
> I want advice on special little things I can do for her to make her feel more comfortable in our marriage, things that will make her smile and feel loved and appreciated. Little surprises. What kinds of things do you enjoy? I desperately what this marriage to work as I love her very much and love being a family. Thank you in advance for any advice you have.


Is this something fairly new???? If not, i would suggest some marriage counseling now. As well as maybe some individual counseling. However, completely transparency will help her if she has anxiety/trust issues. Have you been distant with her? Do you have a lot of female friends? Do you still go on dates?


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

coffee, as always, gave some awesome advice. and i would say not to pin your wife to one "language". i need ALL of those things to feel happy in my marriage. different things to different degrees... but i would have a hard time just picking one "language". i think the main thing that men dont do that would help them immensely in relationships is LISTEN. 

good luck!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

You've received some very good advice here, OP, and I'd go with what the above posters' suggestions.

Another factor that might be coming into play here, if this is something new, is that she's about to hit the big 40. It doesn't affect everyone that way, of course, but I have heard that some people get a little concerned over this milestone in their lives. Just a thought.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

His Needs, Her Needs, is another good book. Has anything happened in her life lately to make her feel insecure. Weight gain, having a friend who's husband fooled around, anything like that?


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

Hopefull363 said:


> Has anything happened in her life lately to make her feel insecure. Weight gain, having a friend who's husband fooled around, anything like that?


She is insecure about not quite losing her pregnancy weight, we have a two year old. I tell her great she looks all the time. Her main hang up seems to be that I will want someone younger. She has almost convinced herself I will be unfaithful.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> Have you been distant with her? Do you have a lot of female friends? Do you still go on dates?


No I don't have many female friends, I couldn't have with her insecurity, especially ones my age. I do work with some females and have to spend some time with them which can't be avoided.

I try to still calm but her accusing me all the time is starting to weigh me down. I love being a family with her so that gets me through it, and our little boy is a great source of strength for me.

It's hard for us to go on date nights a lot because of work and our son, but I do try and make sure we get out at least a couple of times a month. Problem is she gets jealous so easily, even something as simple as a female waitress taking our order or something.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Wrongdoer said:


> No I don't have many female friends, I couldn't have with her insecurity, especially ones my age. I do work with some females and have to spend some time with them which can't be avoided.
> 
> I try to still calm but her accusing me all the time is starting to weigh me down. I love being a family with her so that gets me through it, and our little boy is a great source of strength for me.
> 
> It's hard for us to go on date nights a lot because of work and our son, but I do try and make sure we get out at least a couple of times a month. Problem is she gets jealous so easily, even something as simple as a female waitress taking our order or something.


OP, I'd try to get her to go for counseling (IC or MC) before it's too late. She needs to find out what she's doing this, because sooner or later she will drive you away.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> OP, I'd try to get her to go for counseling (IC or MC) before it's too late. She needs to find out what she's doing this, because sooner or later she will drive you away.


I have mentioned counselling to her, she kind off broke down and started saying Its the start of me leaving her. I just hugged her and told her that she is the only women I want to be with.

If I can get her to mc or ic I think that would be great for us, I have no intention of breaking this family up, I just wish she would see that


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Wrongdoer said:


> She is insecure about not quite losing her pregnancy weight, we have a two year old. I tell her great she looks all the time. *Her main hang up seems to be that I will want someone younger. She has almost convinced herself I will be unfaithful.*


From the time I saw the 15 year age gap between both of you,I knew that this might have been the main driver behind her feelings.

I had been in a situation like that in my early 20's. But we were not married. She was constantly pressuring me for marriage , but I was not ready, [ the sex was really hot! ] but I had ambitions I wanted to achieve before marriage.

You both have a lot of work to do. May - December relationships / marriages are not easy to manage.

In her mind she is thinking that 10 years from now she would be 50 and you would be 35.
50 = menopause and messed up hormones for her.
35 = still high testosterone levels for you and high sex drive.

She has already passed through life ,so she knows what a 25 - 30 yr old is capable of in bed.
At 40 her biological clock is ticking......

The only thing that could help is open,honest communication between both of you. She is looking for a deeper level of intimacy between both of you.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

You need the help of a specialist. You do not have the training to address her fears. Nor is it your responsibility.

Get her to a good specialist, on your own this will tear at the relationship until it breaks it.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Wrongdoer said:


> I have mentioned counselling to her, she kind off broke down and started saying Its the start of me leaving her. I just hugged her and told her that she is the only women I want to be with.
> 
> If I can get her to mc or ic I think that would be great for us, I have no intention of breaking this family up, I just wish she would see that


You sound like a loving, caring, understanding man, OP. Just let your W know that the counseling is more to help her stop having these painful, insecure feelings about the relationship, and that she could benefit greatly from it. It sounds like she's developed self-esteem issues, but with the right help this is so fixable.

Although this is very much your W's issue, in time it will affect you, too, if it's not nipped in the bud.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> In her mind she is thinking that 10 years from now she would be 50 and you would be 35.
> 50 = menopause and messed up hormones for her.
> 35 = still high testosterone levels for you and high sex drive.
> 
> ...


That is the cause of most of her worries, I have tried to get her realise that I married her and I love being married to her, that isn't going to change. I think we make a great team in the most part. 

A big concern I have this week is that I have to go away for the weekend regarding work, staying at a hotel. She is not comfortable with this at all and is really stressing out about it.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Wrongdoer, a couple of things that I have noticed about the differences between older and younger women, is that I don't see where younger women have any advantage.....collectively speaking

For example,
1. Younger women are not necessarily in better shape. There are many 20 and 30 something women who are overweight well before pregnancy, illness, slowing metabolism and menopause. I was amused to see that my fiance's EA had written on a social media site that she hoped "to loose _(sic)_ 50 pounds before she turned 30." she also had a photo of herself turned to an angle. I think we all know the scam in that.

2. they're not in any better health. The EA chronicled her gallstone surgery on her facebook wall. she may still end up with a more serious disease 20 years from now.

3. A lot of younger women are going to still have that university campus approach to relating to men. By that I mean (and I was guilty of it too), they have male friends and they push the boundaries. For example, the thought of taking a trip with a man and even sharing a hotel room with him just simply didn't register with her that that was a sign of relationship. My fiance told me that her bf even picked the two of them at the airport and he gave my fiance a ride home.

4. Younger women are also less in control of their emotions because they have been through fewer situations. Many situations which end up teaching us that not everything is important.

5. Also older women / people in general learn to let go of a few things as they get older. I know that I will never climb the corporate ladder. But my fiance wants to take care of me. so I take care of him, organising his social life; cleaning his apartment. I saw in a couple of e-mails that my fiance's EA repeatedly said that she had a master's in some such and she had a very difficult job as a source of her own esteem. She also made jokes about how messy his apartment was, so I know she would never go back there. 

6. Older women are more likely to be more forgiving in the looks department. My fiance is chubby and balding. He's even told me that some people wondered who was older. I find him sexy. a lot of the dating guides keep telling young women not to settle. Imagine how demanding a hard bodied 25 year old might be on you.

It might be good to point to your partner the advantages of older women to men, she may change her tune.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Wrongdoer, a couple of things that I have noticed about the differences between older and younger women, is that I don't see where younger women have any advantage.....collectively speaking
> 
> For example,
> 1. Younger women are not necessarily in better shape. There are many 20 and 30 something women who are overweight well before pregnancy, illness, slowing metabolism and menopause. I was amused to see that my fiance's EA had written on a social media site that she hoped "to loose _(sic)_ 50 pounds before she turned 30." she also had a photo of herself turned to an angle. I think we all know the scam in that.
> ...



Oh I totally agree with this, I absolutely love the fact I'm married to an older women. I find her sexy as hell and is a great mother to our son.

I just wish she would believe me when I tell her how attractive I find her. She is in her prime as far as I'm concerned, I think the male prime is like 18 so I'm well past that lol


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Wrongdoer said:


> I find her sexy as hell and is a great mother to our son.
> 
> I just wish she would believe me when I tell her how attractive I find her.


Just keep doing lots of this  She does sound very insecure. 

My husband is 5 years younger so not such a big gap but it always seems more highlighted when I hit the next milestone birthday...My next is my 50th & *yikes* just thinking about it but he always gives me positive reinforcement


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Wrongdoer said:


> That is the cause of most of her worries, I have tried to get her realise that I married her and I love being married to her, that isn't going to change. I think we make a great team in the most part.
> 
> *A big concern I have this week is that I have to go away for the weekend regarding work, staying at a hotel. She is not comfortable with this at all and is really stressing out about it.*




Wrongdoer,
My wife is also older than me.
That insecurity on her part comes with the territory.
What you must do is try to see her perspective , and only then you would be able to give the reassurance she needs.
In other words, make her feel like she is the centre of your world. Make her feel sexy even when she feels " unsexy."
Make her eat , sleep and dream you. When you guys go out together, hold her around her waist whenever you get the opportunity. Hold her hands , look into her eyes and make her laugh. Show her lots of public affection , especially when another attractive , younger woman passes by. When you all are together alone talking,always try to bring up the future ina positive way........
There are many other things you can do , but those are just for starters.She will open up more to you.

The biggest turn off for an older woman is when men lie.The most important issue for her is trust.

NEVER LIE even in small matters TO HER.

After sex , anytime she asks you how she compares to your other past 
" lovers " ., tell her there is no comparison,
Look into her eyes,
And MEAN IT !


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

She's obviously very insecure about the age gap. I don't really have any advice, but I think I can understand it. Just do the best you can to make her feel secure and wanted at every opportunity... if you're doing all you can to help her trust you and it doesn't show any positive results, then counseling (for her) may help. I see this mostly as a self esteem issue for her.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

FreedomCorp said:


> You need the help of a specialist. You do not have the training to address her fears. Nor is it your responsibility.
> 
> Get her to a good specialist, on your own this will tear at the relationship until it breaks it.


I agree with this as well. It's not your responsibility to fix her self esteem issues. You can try and help how you can, but the IC is a good idea.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

delirium said:


> She's obviously very insecure about the age gap. I don't really have any advice, but I think I can understand it. Just do the best you can to make her feel secure and wanted at every opportunity... if you're doing all you can to help her trust you and it doesn't show any positive results, then counseling (for her) may help. I see this mostly as a self esteem issue for her.


You are right, she has become really insecure about the age gap. I think her upcoming 40th birthday has made this worse in her head.

I'm trying to get her to have some counselling about her fears. I think that may help her to become more confident.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Wrongdoer,
> My wife is also older than me.
> That insecurity on her part comes with the territory.
> What you must do is try to see her perspective , and only then you would be able to give the reassurance she needs.
> ...


That's wonderful advice for all men, not just the ones with older wives.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

Hopefull363 said:


> That's wonderful advice for all men, not just the ones with older wives.


It's very good advice, and although I like to think I do a lot of those things I'm going to double my efforts right away.


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