# Is it abuse?



## sarah (Nov 2, 2009)

I have been married for a little over five years and we have a few small children. My husband has been cheating on me since before, though I didn't find out until a year into our marriage. It's never been physical, at least not to my knowledge. He likes his cyber sex. He has also frequently engaged in viewing pornography. I know that different people have different opinions about this- I find it repulsive, and even if I didn't, I'd still be very upset that he views it often in secret. Every time I found out about something, whether it be because one of his girls on the internet side started harassing me, or because he blatantly left his viewing history in the open easily to be viewed if I was using the computer and for some reason or another happened to check the history. Every time I confronted him about it, he apologized and cried and said he didn't know why he did it and pleaded forgiveness... and then told me he would have himself killed in some way if I divorced him. After that is all said and done, he gets angry when I bring it up again. I don't harp, it usually comes up in the form of me reminding him that I've heard it all before, and he will respond by telling me that our marriage won't survive if I keep holding grudges. I've dealt with it. I've shoved pieces of myself away until the pain was manageable. Recently though, his tastes have gotten scary. He searches for things like sleep rape, and drunk girls getting raped, and father daughter incest. I'm terrified. There have been nights where I awoke to him trying to have sex with me, and there have been mornings where I woke up feeling as though I'd had sex, but had no memory of anything happening that night. I'm scared for myself; I'm scared for my daughter and any friends she may have. There's more to the story- his father is extremely mentally abusive and I've heard, also physically abusive. The whole family is so screwed up- the wife is a sad little shell of a woman and the kids are all almost unable to function in the world outside of the home. I thought my husband couldn't be anything like that man. He was, and sometimes still is, very nice. My family likes him. My church likes him. He isn't very verbally abusive, never calls me horrible names or anything like that. He doesn't hit me or shove me. I still don't possibly think he could be like that, but somewhere in my mind is a little insistence that his father probably wasn't always such a horrible person either, and it scares me. I want a divorce. In my heart, I believe that counseling and separation would be of no effect- he's always been so sorry, but its never changed how he behaves later. It's always the same. I know this is a long post. I need to know though, these things about him, are they signs of an abusive person? Am I getting freaked out and making him to be something that he isn't in my mind? Has anyone had experience with someone like this? Did it escalate? I don't want to be his mother. I'm terrified that in 20 years, I will be a sad little shell of a woman with screwed up kids.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

It is escalating so it could get physical in that he may act out the fantasies with you. It is certainly psychological abuse. These are real people he's interacting with and it is cheating. You and your children don't deserve this. Divorce. You are right in your 20-year projection.

Remember, you set the expectations for your children's marriages. Is this what you want for them? No - so instead show them a strong, stable mother figure.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He is emotionally blackmailing you into being with him ("I'll kill myself if you divorce me"); tells you that your marriage won't last if you hold grudges; and cheats on you via cyber sex (yes, to me, this is cheating), you call him out on it, he cries and the cycle repeats. You say you don't want to be with him. So what are you going to do?


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Sarah, I am so sorry. I would be scared too. You seem to have a pretty good handle on what is going on. Do you have a job? Can you make it on your own with the kids if you get a divorce, even if he doesn't help at all? 

This is pretty scary to me, worse than emotional abuse. Please seek counseling for yourself. It is so easy for our minds to not want to accept things that are beyond what we ourselves would do, so we talk ourselves out of accepting the truth because it is so foreign to us. We sweep it away and continue on.

You have to look at it as what it is, not what you want to believe. Please seek counseling especially if you need the clarity and strength so you can choose the path that is correct.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

Sarah - you are right in being upset about his cybersex addiction. I am a man who was addicted to it myself at one point in my life and it cost me my marriage. Pornography is progressive in nature and should not be tolerated. This does not mean, however, that he is lying to you when he apologizes and asks for forgiveness. He may very well be at a place where he cannot stop without professional intervention.

There are two books I want to recommend to you both of which can be picked up at most bookstore chains. "False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction" by Dr. Harry Schaumburg and "Love Must Be Tough: New Hope For Marriages in Crisis" by Dr. James Dobson. I do not believe the marriage should be abandoned because your husband can change.

I work for a Marriage and Family Non-Profit organization and have witnessed men having their lives transformed. I have also experienced it myself. If you are a part of a good Bible believing church then speaking with the Pastoral staff is a good place to start. I do have links to articles that I can share if you ask for them in a private message. Most importantly, I want you to know that there is hope. Your heart can be changed and so can his. It's best to act sooner than later.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Yes it will escalate, if he is truelly addicted. He will have to escalate the perversion to get the same stimulation from it. My guess he doesn't realize it is controling him instead of him controling it. Alot of times they don't stop until they find themselves doing things they never thought they would do. There are some good books written out there by men that have gone through this. If your interested in titles PM me and I will send them to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I doubt he will harm himself. He is too self centered to do that. The threat of having himself killed is just a way to control you. You cannot let guilt keep you from making healthy choices for you and your children. Oh by the way cyber cheating is still cheating.


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