# The 3rd. Person in Our Marriage is My Husband's BFF



## HALLEULIAH (Oct 22, 2012)

All I ever wanted was a little bit of my husbands time. Everything was always more important to him. He could never make plans with me because he was afraid someone would call him to go horseback riding, fishing, to the race...you name it. I volunteered to go, but he would never take me up on it. 

I did try horseback riding, but my horse bucked me and fractured my hip and pelvis. I was in the hospital/recuperation for 35 days. 
I'll never forget that day, he was so mad at me, standing over me when the breath was knocked out of me yelling, "What did you do to the horse? What did you do to the horse?" I was able to grunt out, can't breath. that was a long horrific day. But I tried. 

Any way, I told him I want out. He wants to move to the basement until he can get a cabin built. I asked him about how do we go about separation papers. And he said we don't need them, why would we need them, we will just go our separate ways. I said: Well, I think the way it goes, we get a legal separation and then after that, we get a divorce. He sad "We don't need to get a divorce." I said why? He said "benefits" (I bring home the insurance and pay for the wellness center and the Flex spending plan. ) I asked him what benefits and he said taxes. Our taxes would be astronomical if we get a divorce. 

Am I a bad person if I want to go on with this. we have been married 32 years and everything has always been my fault. And I have been at fault a lot....But he has said some pretty awul things to me. 

He stepped out of the marriage when he was 57, she was 27. At that time, he kept telling me being married to me was like being married to an old woman. I mean, he has always been pretty mean to me. 

My daughter told me recently that she would not stand for a separation/divorce. That we were Christians and we made a covenant with God and he was the man of the house and that he was going to have to buck up and fix this marriage, which made me cry, because I am so done. she assured me she would talk to him get him to read the book the 5 languages of Love, and purchased it for my Nook. I am on chapter 5 and it just makes me cry. 

I have rambled all over this post. I just want out. He gripes about every little thing I do(He wouldn't have done it that way.) I am never allowed to vent about anything because he turns the conversation around and yells at me about what I did wrong about EVERYTHING. No one knows. He has NEVER been supportive. EVER.

What do you think? AM I a crybaby?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

HALLEULIAH said:


> All I ever wanted was a little bit of my husbands time. Everything was always more important to him. He could never make plans with me because he was afraid someone would call him to go horseback riding, fishing, to the race...you name it. I volunteered to go, but he would never take me up on it.
> 
> I did try horseback riding, but my horse bucked me and fractured my hip and pelvis. I was in the hospital/recuperation for 35 days.
> I'll never forget that day, he was so mad at me, standing over me when the breath was knocked out of me yelling, "What did you do to the horse? What did you do to the horse?" I was able to grunt out, can't breath. that was a long horrific day. But I tried.
> ...


I do not think you're a crybaby. Time to put the STEAMROLLER plan in action. Go a file for divorce. Never mind the "benefits" as I'm sure he wasn't thinking about those benefits when he cheated on you. Sounds like your the supportive one with the benefits. You don't need this crap in your life. As in his expression of " I want all the rights and none of the responsibilities" BS. And kick him out of the basement unless he's planning on paying rent. Besides you could rent it out and make some cash.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

No your not, and he has treated you so disrespectfully, you've played second fiddle during your marriage. He also sounds very controlling & narcissistic.

To ask the horse question when your lying there broken is beyond callous, he might as well boot you when you were down, as his words sure did.

It would seem it's his way or the highway, I'd be finally doing it my way, letting him know he has no control over me ever again, he checked out so let him know so have you.

Infidelity?? Would seem the 27 y/o got his number pretty quick as he came crawling back to you as he probably knew he could & continue to treat you any way he pleased.

No, with what you have relayed you are not being unreasonable wanting out & the tax issue obviously wasn't a major concern when you decided to divorce him, if this is so, don't let him put that on you, he wouldn't be having to worry about taxes if he were a better husband.

Why is your daughter interferring in her parents marital decisions, I would not allow a child to openly dictate the rules of my marriage, if you feel the religious commitments are more important than your happiness that is your decision to make, no one else's.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

I have re-read, is your H still involved with this 27 y/o? If so I wouldn't be holding back.


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## HALLEULIAH (Oct 22, 2012)

I did go to see a CPA and he said our taxes might go up, but not astronomically. We own two LLCs and are a small business owner of another company. 

My concern was how to divide this property, how on earth I would take care of rental property maintenance....blah...blah...blah... The CPA said we didn't have to divide anything, that we could divide the profits and leave everything intact. I am the bookkeeper for all three, so I know what is going on with the finances. He can't kick me out of the small business because I own 30% and the kids each own 20% and they would never allow him to do that. 

As for my daughter, understand that she came from a good place. the kids don't know what all is going on. I don't tell them, they see/saw what they did but I never complained to them. 

Even though I want out. I am so concerned about a lawyer. The last one I had was a barracuda. But was SOOOO expensive and really wanted to break my husband, but to break my husband would be to break the family financially, and I am not out to hurt anyone, I just want OUT. 

Any ideas on how to find a good divorce lawyer without asking too many questions? I just basically want to have him served and be done with it. And to be fair, we live in a new house, with solar energy and he told me I could have the house. I do not think I will have to buy him out. There are 18 Acres around the house, that he wants to farm, so I am pretty sure that it would equal an even trade. The house is fenced in from the house. all Boundaries are there. 

I don't hate him, I don't love him, I have absolutely no feelings towards him one way or the other. I just do not care anymore. I am so done. I am 62 years old and have only recently just how controlling he was. always saying he didn't care what I did and yet being so subtle about everything I did that he didn't like. 

The girl he was with was not a desirable person, she was more like a thug and even got busted for selling drugs while with him. She was NOT the person I would have ever thought he would get with. He even told me when he came back, that I should not have so much animosity towards her...I actually should be thankful that he was with her because what if he had left for someone really nice. Then he wouldn't have come back. I was so deliriously happy, that that one kind of rolled over me. All I got was that I should be thankful for her which made me mad. 

I just wanted him back so badly. The kids were sad and I was sad and he said he just felt sorry for all of us. Plus I later learned that she wasn't supposed to fall in love with him and she started telling him she loved him and so when another guy became interested in her he pushed her towards him, saying he had made me promises he wouldn't take anyone out in public for a year, to give me time to get over him....Oh, gosh. I don't need to write a book, here. 
Please.....forgive me and thank you for allowing me to vent...I have 29 years of stuff pent up inside me.

Also, does a legal separation prevent either of us going out and making a big purchase? Does it kind of put everything in limbo...Or better yet, if he purchased another piece of property, would I be responsible if there was a legal separation in place?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Your H sounds very uncaring and disrespectful towards you and, in view of his willingness to step outside the marriage rather than fix it, it sounds like it's time to call it a day.

Your daughter doesn't get to tell you whether or not you should divorce, nor does she get to preach at you; and your H doesn't get to decide when enough is enough for you, either.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

OP said "My daughter told me recently that she would not stand for a separation/divorce. That we were Christians and we made a covenant with God"

The Bible teaches that cheating (adultery) is an acceptable reason for divorce. If you wish to do so.

You need to love yourself enough to walk away.Sometimes you need to demand respect. Your H needs a wake up call in the form of divorce papers. Seems as if he is concerned about the money and not you.You are being bullied.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

mel123 said:


> OP said "My daughter told me recently that she would not stand for a separation/divorce. That we were Christians and we made a covenant with God"
> 
> The Bible teaches that cheating (adultery) is an acceptable reason for divorce. If you wish to do so.
> 
> You need to love yourself enough to walk away.Sometimes you need to demand respect. Your H needs a wake up call in the form of divorce papers. Seems as if he is concerned about the money and not you.You are being bullied.


The Bible also tells us to honour our father _and_ our mother. Not support one and preach at the other...

OP, don't allow your H or daughter to bully you. This is your life, and it's up to you to make it as happy and harmonious as you can. If doing this with your H is impossible (and it does sound like a very difficult situation), you have the right to do it on your own.

Edited to add: OP, there are some good divorce lawyers out there, it's just a case of shopping around. Remember, you're employing his/her services, and you don't have to allow them to steam-roll you into any decisions you're unhappy with. Listen carefully to their advice, then make informed decisions that suit you.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

You also have grounds for an annulment.

I have no knowledge of your financial questions maybe someone else here does I'd say, or find that lessor jugular vein lawyer who will help you & abide by your wishes.

I commend you for wanting an amicable fair divorce, that is sometimes hard for many when they have been so betrayed over many years, your in a numb state by the sounds.

I hope your husband doesn't become irrational throughout the process which is a possibility.


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## HALLEULIAH (Oct 22, 2012)

No, I promise you I am not numb. At this stage in my life, I am just done. It's been a long hard lesson and to be honest, i was a little surprised when he answered "Benefits", as to why we shouldn't divorce. 

My husband loves to be admired. I have always been the wind beneath his wing. If someone asks me a question, he interrupts with an answer. If I tell a story, he interrupts me because he can tell it better...

I think I used to be numb ad then all of a sudden this all started pouring into my mind, I started seeing how I was actually being treated. 

A couple of years ago, I asked him how a new outfit looked on me. He looked at me and said "When you are Fat nothing looks good on you." and shot out the door and left me standing there with tears in my eyes and my mouth open. I was a size 14 and tall (I'm 5'10) so it was not that I looked that fat. I knew, then, not to ever ask him how I looked and he never bothered to compliment me...EVER. He has this amazing ability to just go for the jugular vein. 

He has always been so flirtatious...and I asked him if he would cut out the overly flirtatious stuff, that it makes me feel bad. He denied it and then said don't you try to control me. Then he said he just wouldn't talk to the women at church. I said Look, I didn't ask you to stop talking to anyone, I just asked you to stop the overly flirtatious stuff. Then he pouted for a couple of days. 

I love his family and that will be the most difficult part. 

Oh and he said another reason we didn't need to divorce, that we could go our own separate ways. When the kids come over for a holiday, that he would like to come too. If I get together for the kids birthday, he would still like to come, that we can always be friends. BLAH...BLAH...BLAH...We need to go to church together because my son and his new GF and her two children have started coming...I told him SURE. But we would go in separate cars and our son and the others would sit between us. (Our son has started cleaning up his life...he has had an partying problem, and is now seeking counseling for another problem) But I am not going to allow my husband to hold that over my head. And it will just be until our son is comfortable in that church. 

*DEEP SIGH* over the BS. He has been SO nice ever since I told him I wanted out. And what really ticks me off is that we could have been a very happy couple if he had only shared himself with me a little. I NEVER asked for much, but did get tired of only getting crumbs thrown my way. I am not going to fall for any crap. 

And no, I am happy to divide things evenly. I don't want more than the State will allow me. No, now I am thinking with my mind instead of my heart. Everything will eventually go to the kids anyway. 

I am going to the mountains this weekend for three days with a friend to go Christmas shopping. She didn't get to take a vacation this year because she used that time for a mission trip. So, we took an afternoon off from work on Friday, Saturday and then leave there at 1 on Sunday. Then in November Daughter and I are going to Greensboro for weekend to Christmas shop. I haven't even bothered to tell him I am going. I will tell him on Friday, as I am leaving. Just as he tells me the day he does something, as he is walking out the door. 
Pettiness, I know. I am just DONE.

Thank you so much for your encouraging comments. 

And something I have found interesting. I have been reading some of the threads and isn't it interesting how threads are so similar in how Emotional Abusers are so alike in how they do what they do, the people on the receiving end, how their responses are so similar, whether male or female.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hey, Halluliah, have you checked out Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Because I'm thinking maybe your H has it. Google it and see. My only concern is that these people TURN ON YOU at the time the divorce begins and try to ruin your reputation in business and socially.

You need to check it out and take it into consideration with you being a business-owner. (I know there's a book about it, but I can't remember the name 'Separating from someone with a Personality Disorder or Narcissism' or something similar to that.)

Good luck and more power to you! I'm 55 and just left my STBXH of 19 years who has NPD. Years of lying, emotional abuse, rages, etc. I am SO HAPPY I LEFT. Haven't been THIS HAPPY in many YEARS.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

H-A-L-L-E-L-U-J-A-H....Yep agreed your not numb, just done, lol 

Good for you, & yes do your own thing, your now your own woman with no-one to answer too, you have come out strong & financially independent is a major plus. 

If your husband has NPD tendancies or actually is, you ain't seen nothing yet, when he realises he has lost total control & loosing more, this is when you will see the worst of him, be armed & on guard with as much info as possible, info on this type of personality is vital as SGW suggested.

You are welcome, you will find many helpers here, as I have noticed.

Yeah, all abuser's seem to be tared with the same brush & those long suffering display similar affects.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your daughter is totally out of line. It's not up to her to decide whether you divorce or not. Tell her that. That is a decision you and he make. Most divorces are not mutual anyway.


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## HALLEULIAH (Oct 22, 2012)

Oh, I understand, but she was trying to help. She really was. 
I am ready to do this, but am just scared. This is a huge step... it has to be taken.... but it is hard walking into the unknown... it is hard to do something without taking baby steps. And there are no baby steps here. This is just one giant leap, with no turning back. 

For those of you who pray, will you pray for me?

Tomorrow I start my search for an attorney.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

HALLEULIAH said:


> Oh, I understand, but she was trying to help. She really was.
> I am ready to do this, but am just scared. This is a huge step... it has to be taken.... but it is hard walking into the unknown... it is hard to do something without taking baby steps. And there are no baby steps here. This is just one giant leap, with no turning back.
> 
> For those of you who pray, will you pray for me?
> ...


I hope you find a good Attorney, OP. 

I wish you peace and healing energy as you start this journey towards a new life.


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