# She cheated after 22 years of marriage



## flabergasted

I found out this week my wife has been sleeping with another man for the past 5 months. we were high school sweethearts. have been happily (I thought) married for the last 22 years. 
we have 2 children, an adolescent boy and older teen daughter. she appears to be devastated and is trying desperately to keep me from divorcing her. I have been a wonderful (not perfect) husband. Provide very well for our family. I have always been 100% faithful. 

I don't know if I want to keep the relationship after this. Prior to this she was the love of my life, and now I am afraid I will always have images of her and the other man in my mind.

I also posted this under the considering divorce forum.


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## mablenc

Sorry you are here

This is a good place to start reading
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stonewall

I'm sorry you are going through this. I feel your pain and so do many of us here. If you decide to R, she must totally take ownership of this. No blame shifting, no ifs ands or buts. Total transparency should be the rule. She gives up all passwords and so on. 

Others will be here soon with more detailed advice. Hang in there friend. You are in for a rough ride but you can survive.


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## Lostinthought61

How did you find out...has she been open and honest?
who was the other man...coworker or friend?
I am sorry for you


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## MattMatt

Could you consider reconciliation with her?

Is the affair over? Is this her only affair?

Is POSOM married? If so, does his wife know?

She needs to know as you, your wife and the OM's wife all need STD/HIV test done ASAP.


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## flabergasted

Other man worked out at her gym. He is twenty years older that we are. She has been seemingly very open and forthcoming with all the details. I do not believe she cares for him, or is continuing to see him or communicate with him. 

I am about 5 days into this. I have exposed the affair to our close family and friends. The children are gone for the weekend and I had her move out yesterday. She is staying at her mothers for now, and may get an apartment soon. 

She is coming home tonight so we can talk with the children and explain that mom and dad are separating for now. 

incredibly painful. never thought in a million years...


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## flabergasted

this is how I found out. Our house has a universal remote. battery was low. her phone has app to control TV. she was out of room. I grabbed her phone to change channel. (I don't have the app cause I have the old phone... I always gave her the best while I worked my ass off). there was a FB message open on her phone from him. They had sex that morning.


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## warlock07

Horrible thing to find out...Sorry man. Doesn't get harder than this. 

Is this her first affair ? How would you know ?

She is having an affair with a 60+ old guy ? Is he married ?

Does she work ?


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## warlock07

How do you plan to verify what she told you ? How do you know what she told you was the truth ?

Did she behave differently during the affair ?

You can try recovering texts from her phone. Numerous wasy to chat from these device 

What model is it ?(Iphone /android)

You might also want to check her phone records


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## flabergasted

I do not have any indication that she has had an affair in the past. but it would be naïve of me to act like I know that

Yes my wife had an affair with a 60+ year old retired cop.

She was a stay at home mom.


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## flabergasted

The level of betrayal I feel is incredible. I did everything for her. she lives what my daughter calls "a life of leisure". In return of me providing for her in this manner , she betrays me


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## flabergasted

I have no need to verify her information. She told me many details at my request. She is not denying anthing at this point. Her actions and her words appear very remorseful. She answered all my questions, stating I had every right to know after what she did. 

This was way out of left field. I mean completely out of character. Our friends and family never thought she was capable of this. Now she appears greatly remorseful and repentant. Willing to do anything I ask. I just don't know if that will ever be enough...


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## warlock07

Flabergasted,, just one thing..

Don't rush to make any long term decision for now. Take your time in doing the best for yourself and the family. Whether you intend to reconcile or divorce, don't tell her anything what you intend to do. Keep it to yourself, atleast for a little more while. 

How did she react to you finding out ?

How does she explain her actions ? Why does she think she did it ?

Can you describe your relationship a little more. What kind of person is she ?


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## mablenc

How are you doing? Physically and mentally?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## flabergasted

we have been in stressful times somewhat. We have been building a house. required a lot of effort... lots of actual physical labor on our part. 

additionally she has been struggling with back pain. 

she says that combination put her in a weak state. weak frame of mind. she was low on self esteem and strength. 

But the manner in which the affair develops baffles me. He mad attempt to kiss her and she pushes him away. then goes home and has time to think about it. Decides she wants to kiss him. Goes back next time and makes it happen. wasn't a slip. was decided upon.


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## warlock07

5 month affair, is a planned deliberate event. She knew what she was doing and a lot of time to mull over actions and what it would do to you, yet went about doing it.

Her excuses are bull****

Where did they meet for sex ? 

Did they do it in your house?

Did you have sex during this time ?

Get tested for STDs.

Is this guy married ?


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## flabergasted

I am devastated mentally. I have very difficult job that I am not sure I am currently capable of doing right now. couple hours of poor sleep at night 

Physically Im always sick to my stomach. Have lost 6 pounds in 5 days.


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## flabergasted

it started in his vehicle in parking lots. eventually made it to his house.


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## flabergasted

she stated never in our house.


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## warlock07

I have no need to verify her information. She told me many details at my request. She is not denying anthing at this point. Her actions and her words appear very remorseful. She answered all my questions, stating I had every right to know after what she did. 

You will have more questions. She will try to minimize whatever she did if knew thinks it will rin her chances to reconcile with you.


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## flabergasted

this guy is married. I was able to contact his wife at her place of employment by phone. I let her know. I gave her my number and told her to call me if she ever wanted more information, details, documented proof, etc. 

To this point she has not confronted him. I don't believe she is in the same position of financial freedom that I am. She does not have the same options I have


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## mablenc

Please take care of yourself, try to eat and take sleep meds. Does your job offer short term disability? If so see a dr, tell him about your situation, he can give you medication for anxiety/depression for short term and can excuse you from work. 

Look into individual counseling too, some employers have an employee assistance program that can help you find help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## verpin zal

You have no reason to believe anything she says now.

She seemed remorseful? Of course she did.

Folks will forgive me if I laugh my ass off to people who decide to feel remorseful only after getting caught.


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## warlock07

flabergasted said:


> she stated never in our house.


So did every other cheating spouse that gets caught. That is what i exactly meant. You cannot trust one word she says. Everything she will tell you will be in her self interest.


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## Catfish1986

She needs to understand that her actions have a price! Tell her to get out of the house and go as No Contact as you can given that you have kids together. Tell the Kids why. Change her world. She has changed yours. If you BOTH are interested in staying married then go look at MarriageBuilders and start on that path. If she's still in affair mode call your atty and file ASAP. This might wake her up and it will save you and the kids.

Oh no more SAHM. Cut the MONEY now. Tell her to get a job. Free ride is over.


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## warlock07

Go meet a doctor immediately. Did you read the newbie thread ?


If you can, get a few days off from your work. Talk to your boss


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## flabergasted

I have no reason to believe that she is lying at this point about what happened, because the facts she told me were so stone cold sobering, that there is nothing left to hide.


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## manfromlamancha

Make sure that POSOM gets fired from the gym!


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## flabergasted

I told her for now i needed two things from her. Get out of the house. And get a job. regardless of whether we remain married or get a divorce, she will need to have a job. 

Catfish you are right. Free ride is over


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## azteca1986

flabergasted said:


> this guy is married. I was able to contact his wife at her place of employment by phone. I let her know. I gave her my number and told her to call me if she ever wanted more information, details, documented proof, etc.


You did the right thing by her here. Well done.


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## kenmoore14217

flabergasted said:


> I have no reason to believe that she is lying at this point about what happened, because the facts she told me were so stone cold sobering, that there is nothing left to hide.


That's the thing about "honesty". Once you get it you think you are on the way to recovery. But there is more, more "honesty" to be given if she so chooses. You only have the "tip" of "honesty". 

Keep digging.


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## bfree

flabergasted said:


> I told her for now i needed two things from her. Get out of the house. And get a job. regardless of whether we remain married or get a divorce, she will need to have a job.
> 
> Catfish you are right. Free ride is over


To my ears it sounded like you provided her with a carefree lifestyle. Then when she needed to step it up and help you during the house construction she got resentful that she had to actually make an effort. She probably thought she deserved some fun and when presented with an opportunity she took it. Selfishness combined with boredom and a touch of entitled resentment. Not a good recipe for a happy marriage partner.

Before I'd consider reconciliation I'd want to see a change in her attitude toward life. I'd want to know what has changed that would stop her from doing the same thing in the future. You don't want to go through this again or live with the constant worry that it will happen once more. How is she going to prove to you that she can remain faithful? You certainly can't take her words or promises on faith. She's proven that she can lie and deceive you.


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## Hicks

YOu need to tell her to write a no contact letter to him, and let her know that the consequences will be dire if she ever contacts him agian. And she must quit the gym.


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## flabergasted

she has already quit the gym. tore up membership card and states she will never go back. 

I told her if she made any attempt to contact him in any manner I would never speak to her again. An if he reaches out to her, she is not to respond and contact me immediately.

if she breaks either one of these requests, my choice will have been made. Divorce


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## DavidWYoung

Sorry that you are here and need our help. On the good side, you can and will reinvent yourself on the bad side the life that you thought you had, burned down.

If you read thru a lot of the threads here you will see a path that most men end up on. It's not pretty but "It is what it is!" You will get thru this, it's just how much pain you want to inflict on yourself until you start your new life. This is just my 2 cents. Good luck David


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## Graywolf2

You seem to have done everything right on your own thus far.

It doesn’t seem to be an issue in your case, but document and save everything you can now. Emails, texts, etc. She will try and revise history later.

Understand that the wife you thought you had is dead (maybe never existed) and so is your marriage. She still looks like the woman you loved, but she isn’t. That’s why you will be so conflicted. If you are home with her and the kids your mind will go back to the way things were and you will be happy. Then something will remind you of what she did and you will “trigger.” That will happen the rest of your life if you stay with her, even under the best conditions. It’s just a price that you will have to pay for the rest of your life.

You have already done a lot to keep your self-respect. You kicked her out. The message you want to deliver is that your marriage can’t be saved, it’s over. She is free to go. If she want to R, she has to convince you to join her in the effort.

In that vein, I might even take her wedding ring and stop wearing yours. I would also file for D even if you might later stop the proceedings. Some people actually get a D and keep living with each other. That way the BS has a lot of leverage and still lives with the kids. (Some states require you to live apart for a period of time before D).

What you want to avoid is to just go with the flow (rug sweeping) and let her get away with it. She's sorry now, but as time passes she will tell you that it was so long ago, why are you so worried about that now. Ten years from now, you will be triggering and she will have her memories. 

Her life didn’t change, yours did forever. She won and you will resent her. She needs to pay a price to avoid that.

Now is the time to strike. The affair would obviously still be going on if you hadn’t discovered it. 



flabergasted said:


> she has already quit the gym. tore up membership card and states she will never go back.
> 
> I told her if she made any attempt to contact him in any manner I would never speak to her again. An if he reaches out to her, she is not to respond and contact me immediately.
> 
> if she breaks either one of these requests, my choice will have been made. Divorce


This is good, but what is sad is that you are basically acting like the father of a teenage girl. You have to keep her locked up to keep her away from the bad boy who lives down the street until her crush is over.

Tell her that checking up on her is a lot of work for you. Ask her why she is worth you doing that much work. If you D, you don’t have to check up on her ever again. Stress that the door is open for her to join her boyfriend. If she decides she wants to stay, then you are doing her a favor by giving her a chance and checking up on her. 

You have a narrow window to get your pound of flesh. Don’t waste it. It will ultimately make your R better if you chose to go that way.


[


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## 2asdf2

flabergasted said:


> we have been in stressful times somewhat. We have been building a house. required a lot of effort... lots of actual physical labor on our part.
> 
> additionally she has been struggling with back pain.
> 
> she says that combination put her in a weak state. weak frame of mind. she was low on self esteem and strength.
> 
> But the manner in which the affair develops baffles me. He mad attempt to kiss her and she pushes him away. then goes home and has time to think about it. Decides she wants to kiss him. Goes back next time and makes it happen. wasn't a slip. *was decided upon.*


It always is.


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## 6301

flabergasted said:


> additionally she has been struggling with back pain.
> 
> she says that combination put her in a weak state. weak frame of mind. she was low on self esteem and strength.


 It's obvious that the pain in her back didn't stop her from having sex with the OM. That excuse is so full of BS. I hope you didn't fall for that one.

When she told you that she had pain in her back, you should have told her that her actions now have given you a pain in the ass. 

If I had back pain, I would be using a heating pad, not another persons body. She tried feeding you a line of shineola with that one.


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## Will_Kane

Have you been able to see any of her other communications with him - was she professing love for him? Saying anything bad about you?

Five months of having sex with him, it would be highly unusual if it was just sex.


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## warlock07

Did you notice anything different with her during the 5 months ? How did you verify that it was for 5 months ?


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## cool12

wow, that's a lot to take in all at once but you seem to be handling the situation well. please make sure you also take care of yourself too by eating regularly and getting some sleep. i know both are hard to do when you are feeling so fragile but you need to keep your strength up for the fight ahead of you.

so sorry about your situation. i wish you the best.


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## Numbersixxx

flabergasted said:


> I do not have any indication that she has had an affair in the past. but it would be naïve of me to act like I know that
> 
> Yes my wife had an affair with a 60+ year old retired cop.
> 
> She was a stay at home mom.


Two basically grown up children and she is a SAHM. There was your problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp

Very sorry what has happened to you.
1. Get tested for STD's as soon as possible.
2. You know that since it was at least a 5 month physical affair that there had to be times that she had sex with you after she was with him.
3. She would still be having sex with him behind your back if she was not caught and had no intention of telling you or stopping the affair.
4. See an attorney to just to understand your options.

Did she think that she sees you as such a nice guy that even if she had a 5 month sexual affair that you would forgive her anyway so she had nothing to lose?

The fact on how she was caught and how easy it was to fool you and the way she told you the information makes me believe that this may have not been her first rodeo.


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## flabergasted

Will_Kane said:


> Have you been able to see any of her other communications with him - was she professing love for him? Saying anything bad about you?
> 
> Five months of having sex with him, it would be highly unusual if it was just sex.


i copied and printed FB messages dating back to November. I don't see any indication that this was an emotional affair. I believe it to be physical only. she told me that on Monday after sex he told her, "I feel like I'm falling in love with you". Her stated response was, "I don't want to hear that."


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## flabergasted

bryanp said:


> Did she think that she sees you as such a nice guy that even if she had a 5 month sexual affair that you would forgive her anyway so she had nothing to lose?


she told me she knew i would divorce her if she was caught. I am not your average guy. I am a very strong man with a lot of self respect. While i provided a great life for her, I am not an overly nice guy. Not a man to be trifled with. She knows this. I am not the type of patsy to allow this to be swept under rug in hopes of retaining love. 

She said she just didn't think she would get caught. OUCH


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## barbados

flabergasted said:


> she told me she knew i would divorce her if she was caught. I am not your average guy. I am a very strong man with a lot of self respect. While i provided a great life for her, I am not an overly nice guy. Not a man to be trifled with. She knows this. I am not the type of patsy to allow this to be swept under rug in hopes of retaining love.
> 
> *She said she just didn't think she would get caught. OUCH*


Good for you Flabergasted. I commennd you for so far doing everything right at a very difficult time ! Most people do not.

That last statement speaks volumes. She is a very "entitled princess". There are quite a few threads here about just that. You should read Count of Monte Cristo & FlyFishDocs 's threads.

How was you sex life with your WW ? Were you guys regularlt intimate, or did she withdraw during her A?

I ask because often the WS will push away sexually from their BS during the A, but some continue to have sex with both AP and BS.

If your WW is the later case, be VERY CAREFUL about R with a person who can do that.


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## flabergasted

barbados said:


> I ask because often the WS will push away sexually from their BS during the A, but some continue to have sex with both AP and BS.
> 
> If your WW is the later case, be VERY CAREFUL about R with a person who can do that.


She did not push me away. she enjoyed being intimate with me. I would push her away on occasion because the level of stress and workload in my life, but she never pushed me away.


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## Malaise

flabergasted said:


> she told me she knew i would divorce her if she was caught. I am not your average guy. I am a very strong man with a lot of self respect. While i provided a great life for her, I am not an overly nice guy. Not a man to be trifled with. She knows this. I am not the type of patsy to allow this to be swept under rug in hopes of retaining love.
> 
> *She said she just didn't think she would get caught*. OUCH


So, this would be still going on?


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## flabergasted

Malaise said:


> So, this would be still going on?


yes. i asked her what the end game was if she wasn't caught. she said she didn't know. States that she wanted to stop it but kept going back. She admitted it was like a drug. didn't want to do it, but craved for it at the same time. 

she had perfect opportunity to stop. they were unable to get together for several weeks due to certain circumstances. she said she hoped that would be the time that she could stop. but then last Monday that hiatus stopped and she slept with him again. Monday night i busted her.


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## LongWalk

Human biology has men and women programmed to seek sex. Marriage and vows of fidelity are civilizations invention to strengthen monogamy. Large numbers of divorces are evidence that cheating is common. 

It is okay to philosphically accept her betrayal and reconcile. It is also okay to divorce. Here you can explore both options.

Policeman... Post him on Cheaterville. That will stop him from loving your wife.

Does your wife have pictures of him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## flabergasted

LongWalk said:


> Does your wife have pictures of him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The only pics i have seen are when i googled his FB page. he has a ton of pics on there but not sure if i would be able to get them.


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## Graywolf2

Tell her that you are going to DNA your kids and watch her reaction. She may confess to another affair to keep you for asking your kids for a DNA sample. Do this even if you know they are yours. It shows how her actions have shaken the very foundation of your marriage. You have lost all the trust you ever had in her. 

She sounds like the type that has no moral objection to affairs and would have a very easy time living with herself if she had done this before. 

If you want to actually do the test, you can buy a kit at WalMart for $30. You then mail it to a lab and pay an additional $130. You just rub a Q-tip on the inside of the cheek. 

Since your kids are older, assure them that the results don’t matter and you will always love them. Tell them that mom assures you that it was her only affair, but now we know she can’t be trusted. It’s the only way you can check on her for something that happened so long ago.


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## barbados

flabergasted said:


> She did not push me away. she enjoyed being intimate with me. I would push her away on occasion because the level of stress and workload in my life, but she never pushed me away.


This is a very dangerous type of personality to trust in my opinion. To be able to compartmentalize like this is a sign of an extremely entiltled, self-centered, and selfish person. 

And you have stated that she admitted that she would not have stopped if she had not been caught.

I would not R with a person like that. Please think carefully about this.


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## manfromlamancha

Have you told the gym to get him fired ? Protect others like you. Also are you prepared to let her go because from what I have heard this does not bode well. She was entitled and highly disrespectful. Not sure about her remorse - maybe at getting caught only.


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## Malaise

manfromlamancha said:


> Have you told the gym to get him fired ? Protect others like you. Also are you prepared to let her go because from what I have heard this does not bode well. She was entitled and highly disrespectful. *Not sure about her remorse - maybe at getting caught only*.


I think 'maybe' is an understatement.


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## flabergasted

manfromlamancha said:


> Have you told the gym to get him fired ? Protect others like you.


he doesn't work AT the gym. He works OUT AT the gym. They have a little social network at the gym. They were both part of that social network. She was able to spend time at the gym because of her lifestyle. I was not. 

My parents also go to the same gym, and now know the truth. I want to make sure if he ever goes back to gym, I go and inform truth to entire social network.


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## Graywolf2

manfromlamancha said:


> Not sure about her remorse - maybe at getting caught only.


Every wayward spouse should answer all questions right away, so she is doing what she should. Do you have to drag it out of her or not?

If she is giving it up too easily, or with little emotion, it may indicate that she doesn’t see the affair itself as wrong. 

It’s like being caught with the money after robbing a bank. Since the jig is up, there isn’t any reason not to tell the cops everything since you are not ashamed of the act itself.


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## adriana

Flabergasted, sorry to hear that you had to find your way here. 

Since the money doesn't seem to be a problem in your case I would recomend that you file for a divorce. You can always stop it if you decide to reconcile with her at some point but it will send a very strong wake up call to her. Words are only words, actions always speak louder. For me infidelity is a dealbreaker so reconciliation has never be an option but doing it had a very terapeutic effect . I instantly felt better. It was like reclaiming myself from all that mess created by my husband. It was about "recreational" sex for him too.

Based on your posts I am rather reluctant to believe that she is truly remorseful for her affair. It looks more like damage control mode to me.


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## BobSimmons

I struggle to understand how one is devastated or remorseful after willfully deceiving someone and sleeping with someone for 5 months.

Maybe it's just me but I don't buy it


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## BobSimmons

Also. How old are you all? 22 years of marriage and OM is 20 years older than you both?


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## Malaise

BobSimmons said:


> *I struggle to understand how one is devastated or remorseful after willfully deceiving someone and sleeping with someone for 5 months.*
> Maybe it's just me but I don't buy it


She's neither devastated nor remorseful. As Adriana said, damage control.


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## jim123

Do not just be a meal ticket. Your marriage is over as is any with an A. She wants the lifestyle you provide.

The question is can you build a new marriage. Make sure you want to. Figure yourself out first. The best way to do that is not have her in the house.

See an attorney and start getting things in order. See an attorney that specializes in men. Have him refer you to an IC.

Keep your wife out of the house and do the 180 on her. Have her see and IC as well.

If you do R you will do it with full information and because you both want to. Keep in mind right now you WW is trying to save her lifestyle. Her remorse is over getting caught, not love for you. The affair would have continued if you did not catch her.

Do this out of strength and not weakness.


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## Graywolf2

BobSimmons said:


> I struggle to understand how one is devastated or remorseful after willfully deceiving someone and sleeping with someone for 5 months.
> 
> Maybe it's just me but I don't buy it


Why is she devastated and remorseful? She is sorry for herself because now she has to pay a price for getting caught. Her financial security, reputation and way of life are at risk. She may even be sorry when she sees how much pain the affair (not her) caused the BS and the kids. 

She is NOT sorry for the affair. She IS sorry that she was caught. Everything was fine until she was and she obviously didn’t get caught on purpose. She would never deliberately hurt anyone. 

Some wayward spouses even rationalize that they showed respect for their spouse by being very careful to not get caught. The affair wasn’t the problem, getting caught was. They're sincerely sorry that they were caught.


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## adriana

LongWalk said:


> Human biology has men and women programmed to seek sex. Marriage and vows of fidelity are civilizations invention to strengthen monogamy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You always crack me up with your philosophical bent on infidelity, Michigan Man.

Don't forget we have a date in East Lansing on the 25th. I hope you enjoy getting good spanking. Even if you don't, you are probably used to getting it by now anyway.  GO STATE!


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## sammy3

flabergasted said:


> yes. i asked her what the end game was if she wasn't caught. she said she didn't know. States that she wanted to stop it but kept going back. She admitted it was like a drug. didn't want to do it, but craved for it at the same time.
> 
> she had perfect opportunity to stop. they were unable to get together for several weeks due to certain circumstances. she said she hoped that would be the time that she could stop. but then last Monday that hiatus stopped and she slept with him again. Monday night i busted her.


Oh how this sound so familiar...
I am soo sorry you are in our club.

~sammy


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

From what I've read of your posts so far, I think that if you try to R, it won't be for long. Then you will D her.

The marriage is dead and she's the one that killed it.

I think that divorcing her and making her win you back, in a "new" relationship, is the only way that you will ever be able to be her partner again.

She starts right back at square one with you. If she was truly sorry and really loves you, you'll end up back together.


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## hookares

flabergasted said:


> she told me she knew i would divorce her if she was caught. I am not your average guy. I am a very strong man with a lot of self respect. While i provided a great life for her, I am not an overly nice guy. Not a man to be trifled with. She knows this. I am not the type of patsy to allow this to be swept under rug in hopes of retaining love.
> 
> She said she just didn't think she would get caught. OUCH


The suggestion that you get DNA tests to establish paternity is a good one. The only thing you can be sure about with a cheater is you never really know when they begin cheating on a marriage.
And, don't be fooled about your appraisal of being "not your average guy". Rest assured that a lot of us have felt the very same way, only to find that after twenty years of marriage, we were the only ones who were actually devoted to the relationship..


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## illwill

Do not rugsweep! She had access to the same years and memories as you, yet she still cheated. Those years are not enough of a reason to stay. Stay because you still want her, but dont need her.

And she will repeat this if you act weak. She needs to believe you will divorce her, even if you will not.


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## Malaise

illwill said:


> Do not rugsweep! She had access to the same years and memories as you, yet she still cheated. Those years are not enough of a reason to stay. Stay because you still want her, but dont need her.
> 
> *And she will repeat this if you act weak*. She needs to believe you will divorce her, even if you will not.


She herself admitted that it was like a drug. And she's had a taste...


----------



## bryanp

Have you asked her what she would be thinking if the roles had been reversed? Have you asked her how many times she had sex with you the same day she had sex with the OM?

Get tested for STD's.
She didn't think she would ever get caught is her only excuse? Your wife has no respect for you whatsoever. She is sad that she got caught. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


----------



## Graywolf2

flabergasted said:


> She is coming home tonight so we can talk with the children and explain that mom and dad are separating for now.


In spite what you think now, it will be very tempting to “rug sweep” when you are sitting around the kitchen table with your family discussing this. After all, the kids can just continue on with their regular lives if you just give the word. Don’t fall for this. 

The kids will be able to handle it as long as you remain calm. You’re having a family business meeting to plan your future. Just state the facts. Kids want as much stability as they can get at a time like this. Getting mad makes you look unstable. Focus the conversation on how your kids will be cared for even though their parents are having trouble. Day to day practical care, not just that you still love them.

Promise yourself that you will make her return to her mother’s that night no matter what happens or how much the kids beg. You might even call her and tell her not to even ask to stay.


----------



## flabergasted

Graywolf2 said:


> In spite what you think now, it will be very tempting to “rug sweep” when you are sitting around the kitchen table with your family discussing this. After all, the kids can just continue on with their regular lives if you just give the word. Don’t fall for this.
> 
> The kids will be able to handle it as long as you remain calm. You’re having a family business meeting to plan your future. Just state the facts.
> 
> Promise yourself that you will make her return to her mother’s that night no matter what happens or how much the kids beg. You might even call her and tell her not to even ask to stay.


the family meeting will not be placing blame on my wife for the situation. The kids can figure that out on their own. They don't need to hear it from their father. I will encourage the children to continue loving both parents and not look to blame anybody.


----------



## martyc47

Kick her out. Tell her to get a job. Good so far.

Now take care of yourself. You start going to the gym for your own health. Maybe you will run into some nice (single) women 20 years your junior.


----------



## flabergasted

get this... before i went public, i had the following text exchange with her

me "so would you rather be divorced and nobody know or married and everybody know"

her "IDK. That's a harsh way of putting it"

me "Then I'm not the love of your life"

her" Married and nobody knows. Sorry I was taken off guard"


----------



## flabergasted

one more thing. 
I believe she is more remorseful about getting caught than the actual act. here is one reason. 
At one point she said she wished to god she would have just been able to stop during the hiatus. 

What?! not "I wish to god i had never done this" she said this many times also, but on one occasion she said the above. wish she had been able to stop before she was caught.


----------



## Graywolf2

martyc47 said:


> Kick her out. Tell her to get a job. Good so far.
> 
> Now take care of yourself. You start going to the gym for your own health. Maybe you will run into some nice (single) women 20 years your junior.


It might be fun to join her old gym.

Flabbergasted, you are a class act.:smthumbup:


----------



## Nucking Futs

flabergasted said:


> the family meeting will not be placing blame on my wife for the situation. The kids can figure that out on their own. They don't need to hear it from their father. I will encourage the children to continue loving both parents and not look to blame anybody.


You should not place blame on her for the situation. She should accept the blame herself. I suggest you start the family meeting by saying "Kids, your mother has something to tell you." She broke it, she needs to own it. It's one of the consequences she needs to experience.


----------



## Nucking Futs

flabergasted said:


> one more thing.
> I believe she is more remorseful about getting caught than the actual act. here is one reason.
> At one point she said she wished to god she would have just been able to stop during the hiatus.
> 
> What?! not "I wish to god i had never done this" she said this many times also, but on one occasion she said the above. wish she had been able to stop before she was caught.


I agree. With her current attitude she's not a keeper.


----------



## Graywolf2

flabergasted said:


> one more thing.
> I believe she is more remorseful about getting caught than the actual act. here is one reason.
> At one point she said she wished to god she would have just been able to stop during the hiatus.
> 
> What?! not "I wish to god i had never done this" she said this many times also, but on one occasion she said the above. wish she had been able to stop before she was caught.


She is being painfully honest since she was caught. 

If she didn’t have an affair in the past, it’s only because the opportunity never presented itself.


----------



## flabergasted

Nucking Futs said:


> You should not place blame on her for the situation. She should accept the blame herself. I suggest you start the family meeting by saying "Kids, your mother has something to tell you." She broke it, she needs to own it. It's one of the consequences she needs to experience.


that's not happening. it will be like "kids, your mom and i are separating. we are not sure that we love each other and we need some time apart to know. it is possible that we may end up getting a divorce. for now, your mom is going to be living with Nana"


----------



## flabergasted

Graywolf2 said:


> She is being painfully honest since she was caught.
> 
> If she didn’t have an affair in the past, it’s only because the opportunity never presented itself.


trust me... she has had the opportunity. she is a very attractive woman, and men always notice her. 

I honestly don't believe this has every happened before.


----------



## jim123

flabergasted said:


> one more thing.
> I believe she is more remorseful about getting caught than the actual act. here is one reason.
> At one point she said she wished to god she would have just been able to stop during the hiatus.
> 
> What?! not "I wish to god i had never done this" she said this many times also, but on one occasion she said the above. wish she had been able to stop before she was caught.


You are looking at this in the right way. Most BH who come here are looking for reasons to R rather than whether they should R.

The fact your wife has done this means you should not be married. She needs to provide why you should R or more importantly why should she R.

What would happen if he was not 20 years older and can provide the lifestyle to her that you do. Do you want to wait for her to do so.

When she is now out in the business world. What will happen if her boss takes interest?


----------



## illwill

You got balls. Keep them. Its rare around here. Oh and she is clearly NOT sorry.


----------



## Overdone

Don't put yourself through anymore pain than needed. File for divorce and work on yourself. You will never know if she will cheat again. Even if she wouldn't you will always wonder. I'm going through the same thing. Good luck to you.


----------



## WyshIknew

flabergasted said:


> She did not push me away. she enjoyed being intimate with me. I would push her away on occasion because the level of stress and workload in my life, but she never pushed me away.


So there is every likelihood that she did him then did you later on that day.


Eeeeew.

And if she kissed you after sucking him off........

Such disrespect.


----------



## warlock07

flabergasted said:


> get this... before i went public, i had the following text exchange with her
> 
> me "so would you rather be divorced and nobody know or married and everybody know"
> 
> her "IDK. That's a harsh way of putting it"
> 
> me "Then I'm not the love of your life"
> 
> her" Married and nobody knows. Sorry I was taken off guard"



Isn't she generous...Looks like she is getting the 4th option. Divorced and everybody knows


----------



## warlock07

IS she hire-able ? What kind of jobs can she do ?


----------



## Graywolf2

flabergasted said:


> trust me... she has had the opportunity. she is a very attractive woman, and men always notice her.
> 
> I honestly don't believe this has every happened before.


You would have honestly believed that it never ever happen at all in 22 years if you hadn't accidently looked at her phone. You had no inkling anything was going on for the past 5 months or even earlier that very day (D day). On what do you base your belief that she never had another affair in the past that ended on its own? She would never do something like that or that you would have been able to tell?

Use the fact that she doesn’t consider affairs to be a big deal to your advantage. Ask her to come clean now about any other affairs. If she doesn’t and you find out, you will 100% D her even if its years from now. Use the DNA threat. 

Being caught is her main concern. Now that she is, the number of affairs may not be important to her.


----------



## flabergasted

warlock07 said:


> IS she hire-able ? What kind of jobs can she do ?


used to teach elementary education


----------



## Tobyboy

flabergasted said:


> get this... before i went public, i had the following text exchange with her
> 
> me "so would you rather be divorced and nobody know or married and everybody know"
> 
> her "IDK. That's a harsh way of putting it"
> 
> me "Then I'm not the love of your life"
> 
> her" Married and nobody knows. Sorry I was taken off guard"


Ha!!! Crazy how she changed up her options!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LostWifeCrushed

flabergasted said:


> that's not happening. it will be like "kids, your mom and i are separating. we are not sure that we love each other and we need some time apart to know. it is possible that we may end up getting a divorce. for now, your mom is going to be living with Nana"


Ouch. I don't know if I would say this to the kids. Try not to tell them you dont know if you love each other anymore.....kids internalize divorces anyway and sometimes blame themselves, no matter how old they are.

Simply tell them that you are separating. Try not to bring in the details if possible. Kids never want to hear that their family is falling apart because their parents couldn't get it together sexually. I know its not that way, but thats the way they may hear it.

Just something to think about...

IMHO, the ONLY time they should be privy to the details is when the WS is actively lying to them about the facts. Hopefully, your WS isn't doing this.

I am really sorry this is happening to you.


----------



## illwill

This is not the first time, friend.


----------



## tom67

Tobyboy said:


> Ha!!! Crazy how she changed up her options!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would get the DNA kits and swab the kids to show what you think of her word.
Show her you are tired of being disrespected and you will move on if need be.
You will always be their father.


----------



## LongWalk

adriana said:


> You always crack me up with your philosophical bent on infidelity, Michigan Man.
> 
> Don't forget we have a date in East Lansing on the 25th. I hope you enjoy getting good spanking. Even if you don't, you are probably used to getting it by now anyway.  GO STATE!


Thank you, Adriana. State won. But I went to the school.

Step one Cheaterville. Copying his FB pics is easy. Are you using Windows or Apple?


----------



## Graywolf2

You are like any husband who thought he was in a good marriage for 22 years. You desperately want to believe the 22 years weren’t a lie. Five months is easier to deal with 22 years. You have handled the facts you were forced to accept like a champ. No one could have handled them better. 

But you are avoiding issues that don’t have concrete facts because you can. Given what you said about your wife:



flabergasted said:


> trust me... she has had the opportunity. she is a very attractive woman, and men always notice her.





flabergasted said:


> At one point she said she wished to god she would have just been able to stop during the hiatus. What?! not "I wish to god i had never done this" she said this many times also, but on one occasion she said the above. wish she had been able to stop before she was caught.


What would have happened if she was able to stop before she was caught? You would never know and she would be more likely to start another affair because she got away clean. 

In general, what are the odds of a woman like this who has no guilt for her current affair not having at least one additional affair in 22 years?


----------



## workindad

I was in a similar situation to yourself a while back, except my wife showed no remorse at all.

It seems to me that your wife is only remorseful about getting caught and outed. She has basically stated that she would still be boning him if not caught.

1- get checked for STDs- protect your health.
2- speak to a lawyer ASAP. Only you can make the decision to file, but know your options.
3- The ease with which she did this leads me to believe that this is not her first affair. My wife surprised me by telling me the guy I caught her with was not her first OM.
4- cheaters lie- she's coping to everything about this guy because you busted her with him. Do not be shocked if there are more.
5- paternity testing is cheap, painless, and private. Spend a few minutes on google and you'll have several at home options for around a hundred bucks. Your wife does not need to participate and it is a simple cheek swab.
6- she could still be meeting up with him and you'll never know especially if you are separated. 
7-Filing for D, does not mean you are getting divorced. The process can be stopped. You need to protect as much of your assets now as possible.
8-She pursued this man- had a chance to think about it, and decided the sex with the old man was worth the cost of her marriage and family. Does that sound like a woman who loves you and her family? 
9- She didn't think she'd get caught because this isn't her first OM- just the first you know about.
10- if considering R at all- you need access to all of her accounts. Although, keep in mind she could just set up new ones.

I have no doubt that she is very sorry that you caught her. However, she'd still be getting it on with him today if you hadn't busted her.

Also, she had no right to put your health at risk. There is little chance that they used condoms. 

Good luck- sorry about the spot you are in, but glad you found TAM.


----------



## Nucking Futs

flabergasted said:


> that's not happening. it will be like "kids, your mom and i are separating. we are not sure that we love each other and we need some time apart to know. it is possible that we may end up getting a divorce. for now, your mom is going to be living with Nana"


So it's not ok for your wife to lie to you but it's ok for you to lie to your kids?

If you don't want to tell them their mother cheated then don't, but don't lie to them either.


----------



## rrrbbbttt

Per many above you just found the iceberg. Per what her statements have been to you there is 80% more that you don't know.


----------



## flabergasted

Nucking Futs said:


> So it's not ok for your wife to lie to you but it's ok for you to lie to your kids?
> 
> If you don't want to tell them their mother cheated then don't, but don't lie to them either.


this is not a lie. it is the truth. I don't know if i love her and I don't know if she loves me. truth.


----------



## Graywolf2

Take the day off from work tomorrow. Family emergency. 

Go to the bank and move money to an account with your name only. Have your pay deposited into your new account. Cancel joint credit cards. She can charge whatever she wants and will ding your credit score of you don’t pay the bill. Get credit cards in your name only and have her apply for cards in only her name. You might be able to get a sample of your kids DNA without them knowing.

Good Luck


----------



## tom67

Nucking Futs said:


> So it's not ok for your wife to lie to you but it's ok for you to lie to your kids?
> 
> If you don't want to tell them their mother cheated then don't, but don't lie to them either.


They should learn the truth from you that mom decided to get a boyfriend and I am divorcing her because of this, no more after that it is her problem to talk about it to them.
Do you think if it was the other way around she wouldn't tell them?


----------



## tom67

Graywolf2 said:


> Take the day off from work tomorrow. Family emergency.
> 
> Go to the bank and move money to an account with your name only. Have your pay deposited into your new account. Cancel joint credit cards. She can charge whatever she wants and will ding your credit score of you don’t pay the bill. Get credit cards in your name only and have her apply for cards in only her name. You might be able to get a sample of your kids DNA without them knowing.
> 
> Good Luck


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## Graywolf2

If you and your wife ever decide to inform your kids of her affair, it would be better for her to tell them instead of you. 

It should be humiliating for her (not positive of that in her case) and you can’t be blamed for spinning it to make her look even worse. You might want to be there when she does it.

If you decide they should know and she refuses to tell them, then keep it simple.



tom67 said:


> They should learn the truth from you that mom decided to get a boyfriend and I am divorcing her because of this, no more after that it is her problem to talk about it to them.


----------



## illwill

You need to be there and she needs to tell them. And be careful about protecting her too much.


----------



## tom67

workindad said:


> I was in a similar situation to yourself a while back, except my wife showed no remorse at all.
> 
> It seems to me that your wife is only remorseful about getting caught and outed. She has basically stated that she would still be boning him if not caught.
> 
> 1- get checked for STDs- protect your health.
> 2- speak to a lawyer ASAP. Only you can make the decision to file, but know your options.
> 3- The ease with which she did this leads me to believe that this is not her first affair. My wife surprised me by telling me the guy I caught her with was not her first OM.
> 4- cheaters lie- she's coping to everything about this guy because you busted her with him. Do not be shocked if there are more.
> 5- paternity testing is cheap, painless, and private. Spend a few minutes on google and you'll have several at home options for around a hundred bucks. Your wife does not need to participate and it is a simple cheek swab.
> 6- she could still be meeting up with him and you'll never know especially if you are separated.
> 7-Filing for D, does not mean you are getting divorced. The process can be stopped. You need to protect as much of your assets now as possible.
> 8-She pursued this man- had a chance to think about it, and decided the sex with the old man was worth the cost of her marriage and family. Does that sound like a woman who loves you and her family?
> 9- She didn't think she'd get caught because this isn't her first OM- just the first you know about.
> 10- if considering R at all- you need access to all of her accounts. Although, keep in mind she could just set up new ones.
> 
> I have no doubt that she is very sorry that you caught her. However, she'd still be getting it on with him today if you hadn't busted her.
> 
> Also, she had no right to put your health at risk. There is little chance that they used condoms.
> 
> Good luck- sorry about the spot you are in, but glad you found TAM.


This^^^
You have done well so far.
She has to look for a job also and again yes protect yourself financially see a lawyer asap.


----------



## Nucking Futs

flabergasted said:


> this is not a lie. it is the truth. I don't know if i love her and I don't know if she loves me. truth.


Really? You're going to tell your kids that their family is breaking up because you both fell out of love with each other. You are going to accept 50% of the responsibility for the end of the marriage. I guarantee that when they find out the truth they're going to think you lied to them.



> "kids, your mom and i are separating. *we are not sure that we love each other and we need some time apart to know.* it is possible that we may end up getting a divorce. for now, your mom is going to be living with Nana"


Read the part I bolded. You are claiming half the responsibility for the end of your childrens family with this statement. If you don't want to tell them why then don't, but don't accept any of the blame for what's happening.


----------



## 3putt

Nucking Futs said:


> Really? You're going to tell your kids that their family is breaking up because you both fell out of love with each other. You are going to accept 50% of the responsibility for the end of the marriage. *I guarantee that when they find out the truth they're going to think you lied to them.*
> 
> Read the part I bolded. You are claiming half the responsibility for the end of your childrens family with this statement. If you don't want to tell them why then don't, but don't accept any of the blame for what's happening.


They're not going to think anything. They will *know* they were lied to, and that will not go over well no matter what age they are.


----------



## Nucking Futs

adriana said:


> Original post deleted.


Wow. That's a lot of blame shifting to fit in one post.


----------



## adriana

hookares said:


> And, don't be fooled about your appraisal of being "not your average guy". Rest assured that a lot of us have felt the very same way, only to find that after twenty years of marriage, we were the only ones who were actually devoted to the relationship..



Exactly. :iagree:


----------



## flabergasted

Adriana
That's pretty impressive. 
When I state that i am not your average guy, Im implying i am not a doormat that will accept this and move on. Like most men would and do.

When I state that I'm not overly nice, I mean that when provoked in the right way I can lash out really good. Didn't mean im not an overall great person.

I accept none of the blame. She did this. I treated her like a queen. 

Please, your comments are incredibly offensive to me when I am hurting beyond belief. Don't bully and pile on the man while he is down.


----------



## adriana

Nucking Futs said:


> Wow. That's a lot of blame shifting to fit in one post.



Nope. It isn't blame shifting. It's true that sooner or later your own arrogance will bite you in the ass. If I'm right about the OP's arrogant side I'm quite confident that it was the main factor for her. 

I could actually tell more about it and his wife's selection of her affair partner but I'll just leave it lake that.


----------



## flabergasted

and yes. if i have to subtly twist the harsh reality to my kids that their mom is a lying *****, i will do that.

what is wrong with you people


----------



## adriana

flabergasted said:


> Adriana
> That's pretty impressive.
> When I state that i am not your average guy, Im implying i am not a doormat that will accept this and move on. Like most men would and do.
> 
> When I state that I'm not overly nice, I mean that when provoked in the right way I can lash out really good. Didn't mean im not an overall great person.
> 
> I accept none of the blame. She did this. I treated her like a queen.
> 
> Please, your comments are incredibly offensive to me when I am hurting beyond belief. Don't bully and pile on the man while he is down.


I am sorry I clearly misunderstood you. Hurting your feelings wasn't my intention at all. Again, I am deeply sorry and I am deleting my post.


----------



## flabergasted

adriana said:


> Nope. It isn't blame shifting. It's true that sooner or later your own arrogance will bite you in the ass. If I'm right about the OP's arrogant side I'm quite confident that it was the main factor for her.
> 
> I could actually tell more about it and his wife's selection of her affair partner but I'll just leave it lake that.


You are so incorrect. And quite a little bit of arrogance yourself. 

Ill just leave it at that


----------



## MattMatt

Nucking Futs said:


> Wow. That's a lot of blame shifting to fit in one post.


:iagree:

Mmm, yeah! Blame Shifting 101 !


----------



## Nucking Futs

flabergasted said:


> and yes. If i have to subtly twist the harsh reality to my kids that their mom is a lying *****, i will do that.
> 
> What is wrong with you people


ffs, you don't have to tell the kids their mom is a lying *****, just don't accept any of the blame for the end of their family!


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

adriana said:


> Nope. It isn't blame shifting. It's true that sooner or later your own arrogance will bite you in the ass. If I'm right about the OP's arrogant side I'm quite confident that it was the main factor for her.
> 
> I could actually tell more about it and his wife's selection of her affair partner but I'll just leave it lake that.


Disgusting. Seriously. Ignores everything OP has said to zero in on the one snippet where OP tried to simply articulate he was not a pushover, and this "sista" turns it into "OP is an arrogant beast who definitely caused his poor wittle wife to cheat on him".


----------



## dogman

flabergasted said:


> and yes. if i have to subtly twist the harsh reality to my kids that their mom is a lying *****, i will do that.
> 
> what is wrong with you people


My mother cheated on my father when I was 6. I never knew till I was in my 40s. I respect my father for his ability to keep it to himself but I really wish I knew in my teens. 
He admitted it on his deathbed when I figured it out. 

Tell the older one the truth, tell the younger one when he/she is old enough to understand.

If you don't they may end up being cheaters themselves. All three of my siblings became cheaters, if they knew they may have been fortified against that sort of weakness.

Additional reason... Your wife will be more than happy to share the blame of the destruction of your marriage with you. She may even blame you entirely behind your back, like my mother did to my father.
This sort of betrayal is like breathing for a wife like you have.


----------



## VFW

First I am sorry that you are in this position. There is nothing that you did that justifies her behavior, regardless of what others have posted. As you have already admitted you have made mistakes in your marriage, but then none of us are perfect. 

I think that the separation will be good for both of you. While her being forthcoming to you is a good thing, it is a little troublesome that she seems more concerned with being outed than actual remorse. I highly recommend that you consult with an attorney. You don't have to file, but I think that you do need to know your legal rights. Also you need to safeguard your financial position as well. 

Exercise can help with the stress and indulging in your favorite hobbies can help you fill that free time. I recommend that you go no contact with her for a least two weeks to let the emotions subside, a month may even be better. If at the end of the specified period of time you want to continue the marriage, then you will need couples counseling, transparency and established boundaries for the marriage. If you decide to divorce, then have a plan in mind on how to proceed. Being prepared usually gives you the upper hand.


----------



## illwill

Arrogance is no excuse for cheating. This is NOT his fault.


----------



## Graywolf2

illwill said:


> Arrogance is no excuse for cheating. This is NOT his fault.


:iagree:

I agree and he’s not being arrogant at all. He’s doing his best to handle the situation by being calm and rational. So far, I don’t think anyone could have done better. 

Don't let his outward appearance fool you, he’s very hurt as anyone would be. In spite of everything, he’s clinging to the hope that this was her only affair because his marriage and family mean so very much to him.


----------



## Will_Kane

flabergasted said:


> trust me... she has had the opportunity. she is a very attractive woman, and *men always notice her.*
> 
> I honestly don't believe this has every happened before.


She sounds remorseful to me, like she is saying and doing the right things. She screwed up with her choice of words that rubbed you the wrong way, but I don't look at it as she is not remorseful because one time she said she wished she stopped before getting caught (which probably is true, in addition to her wishing that she never had the affair to begin with) or because she didn't want anyone else to know when you initially broached the subject with her (assuming she did not argue long or hard after you told her that it was one of your requirements).

I think her reaction was normal for a remorseful cheater. I would even go so far as to say that it is normal for someone who is remorseful to have one or two more "contacts" with the affair partner after saying they wouldn't. This is based on my personal experiences as well as reading here. It is only five days out, if she truly is remorseful, she likely is terrified of losing the marriage and likely to screw up the contact she almost definitely is going to receive from this guy by not telling you about it for fear of angering you further - even if she doesn't answer him, hangs up on him, or tells him to get lost, there is a good chance she won't tell you about it out of fear. In my opinion, this is normal. While you should insist on no contact, you should not be surprised if it does happen. I would also go so far as to say that if she doesn't tell you about any attempted contact on his part, then she probably is lying about it. He almost definitely will try to contact her again.

Her WORDS are a terrible way to judge remorse anyway. It's her ACTIONS that count. She did quit the gym, as far as you know she did quit the affair, and maintain no contact. 

Have you asked her about whether or not she's cheated on you before? Have you asked her whether or not she will be willing to take a polygraph if you want her to? Have you asked her to give you all passwords and to not delete any more messages going forward?

I am not saying you should try to reconcile with your wife. I also am not saying you should divorce her. I am saying that you have not posted anything that makes me think she is not remorseful. She may not be, but I can't tell that from anything you've posted so far. Maybe you have a gut feeling she is not, she has a certain tone or attitude, certain body language, that is making you think she is not remorseful. At five days out, it probably is too early to really know what you want.

People who post here generally do so because they DO NOT want to get divorced. Getting divorced is easy, you just see a lawyer and follow the advice.

My advice would be to leave open both options at this point. Go see a lawyer and start to protect yourself financially and custody-wise. At the same time, ask your wife to take some actions to gauge her willingness to do what you need. Ask her to handwrite a no contact letter to the other man and give it to you for mailing. Yes, it's a worthless piece of paper that won't stop any contact, but it does say something if she is willing to write it - just a short message like "I'm ashamed of my behavior, I love my husband, I don't want you to ever contact me again." See if she is willing to take the polygraph. See if she will give you the passwords. See if she will refrain from deleting messages or browser history. See if she will change her email address, her phone number, delete her facebook and social media accounts. A truly remorseful spouse would agree to these things, maybe not immediately, but within a few minutes of realizing it's what you need to consider reconciliation.

Has she not tried to put any blame at all on you for her affair?

What was her reason for the affair? You said purely physical and that sometimes you turned her down for sex - was her sex drive that high, that she needed more than you could give, or was it something else? 

Also, you said she got a lot of attention from men, so why did she pick this man? I know he started it, but so did a lot of other guys, none of whom she (as far as you know) ever took up on their offers. So why him?


----------



## Nucking Futs

flabergasted said:


> Other man worked out at her gym. He is twenty years older that we are. She has been seemingly very open and forthcoming with all the details. I do not believe she cares for him, or is continuing to see him or communicate with him.
> 
> I am about 5 days into this. I have exposed the affair to our close family and friends. The children are gone for the weekend and I had her move out yesterday. She is staying at her mothers for now, and *may get an apartment soon. *
> 
> She is coming home tonight so we can talk with the children and explain that mom and dad are separating for now.
> 
> incredibly painful. never thought in a million years...


Who's going to be paying for her bachelor pad?


----------



## Will_Kane

adriana said:


> Based on your posts I am rather reluctant to believe that she is truly remorseful for her affair. It looks more like damage control mode to me.


Adriana, I am curious as to why specifically you thought she was in damage control mode as opposed to truly remorseful. What specific things did you notice that point to damage control mode rather than remorse?


----------



## CouldItBeSo

Wow, yet another cheater cop with no morals. Where do these scumbags spawn&grow? OP you should do something to make this entitled scrub's life a living hell.


----------



## barbados

tom67 said:


> They should learn the truth from you that mom decided to get a boyfriend and I am divorcing her because of this, no more after that it is her problem to talk about it to them.
> *Do you think if it was the other way around she wouldn't tell them?*


Ain't that the truth, Tom !

She would be telling the kids, the family, the girls at the salon, the paperboy, random people on the street .....


----------



## Will_Kane

adriana said:


> If I'm right about the OP's arrogant side I'm quite confident that it was the main factor for her.
> 
> *I could actually tell more about it and his wife's selection of her affair partner but I'll just leave it like that*.


Adriana, I am also curious about the link between arrogance on the husband's part and the cheating wife's choice of affair partner, even though it does not apply in this particular poster's situation. I am just curious about what you feel the link would have been.


----------



## Nucking Futs

barbados said:


> Ain't that the truth, Tom !
> 
> She would be telling the kids, the family, the girls at the salon, the paperboy, random people on the street .....


There is another possibility here too. There have been at least 2 threads recently where the BS has found out that the kids knew about the affair long before the BS did, in some cases years. One in particular I read either this morning or yesterday the BW found out in family counseling that the kids knew and didn't tell her, traumatic for all involved. If this is one of those cases where your kids know or suspect they're going to know what happened right away, and they'll know you're not being straight with them. They may not say anything but they'll know that they can't trust either parent to be honest to them.


----------



## happyman64

Flabergasted

Will Kane makes some very good points.

I understand you are only 1 week into this and tomorrow you are sitting down with your kids.

Judge your wife by her actions.

Yes she has cheated on you. Moving her out was a very good idea.

Are you able to verify where she is now that she is out of the home?
Are you able to monitor her cell, facebook and social activities?

Good luck with the kids tomorrow night.

And do not beat yourself up so bad. Many of us had the one we trusted 100% cheat right under our very noses.

Take it one day at a time. Eat, drink plenty of fluids and get some sleep.

Try to focus at work. Especially if it is so stressful.

You are going to fully realize that her Affair had very little to do with you.

Your wife has issues and it has nothing to do with a house being built or her back.

That is not the reason she got on her back for a man 20+ her age.

No matter what make her get to the bottom of why she chose something so destructive to you, your marriage and your family.

And legalize the separation so she does not hurt your finances or credit.

HM


----------



## Will_Kane

flabergasted said:


> this is not a lie. it is the truth. I don't know if i love her and I don't know if she loves me. truth.


I think this is the right approach to take for now. At this point in time, they don't need to know about the affair. Of course, if they ask point blank, I don't think you should lie and say it's NOT an affair, but it is OK to not answer their direct question, tell them it is between you and her and you are not ready to discuss the specific details with them.


----------



## happyman64

flabergasted said:


> this is not a lie. it is the truth. I don't know if i love her and I don't know if she loves me. truth.


But you do know she obviously does not love herself....

Maybe you can get her to start there.

Because you obviously still care for her, don'tcha?


----------



## flabergasted

happyman64 said:


> But you do know she obviously does not love herself....
> 
> Maybe you can get her to start there.
> 
> Because you obviously still care for her, don'tcha?


sure i do.


----------



## Visionknower

Flabbergasted, I for one, am impressed with your obvious good self esteem and with your ability to almost automatically not tolerate your wife's dishonorable choices that are way out of integrity. 
It is clear you are not confused at all about what is right and wrong, you see right through any bull and lack of regard for you. You are not going to allow your wife, who you have honored, to use and abuse you. 
So far you have acted amazingly quickly with actions that show that you know you deserve to be treated better then your wife is treating you and that you have no interest or intention to allow yourself to be used by her.
You discovered the affair, you ask her to leave, and you exposed the affair to family and friend. WOW 
It often takes people several days just to get their heads around the reality that they have been deceived and violated by a person they loved and trusted. Most people want it to not be true so badly that they stay in a state of denial and cling to delusional hope for at least a week or two. Your unflinching choices to not participate with or tolerate what you wife was doing is so refreshing and wonderful to witness.


----------



## illwill

Make sure its mutual before you reinvest.


----------



## illwill

Visionknower said:


> Flabbergasted, I for one, am impressed with your obvious good self esteem and with your ability to almost automatically not tolerate your wife's dishonorable choices that are way out of integrity.
> It is clear you are not confused at all about what is right and wrong, you see right through any bull and lack of regard for you. You are not going to allow your wife, who you have honored, to use and abuse you.
> So far you have acted amazingly quickly with actions that show that you know you deserve to be treated better then your wife is treating you and that you have no interest or intention to allow yourself to be used by her.
> You discovered the affair, you ask her to leave, and you exposed the affair to family and friend. WOW
> It often takes people several days just to get their heads around the reality that they have been deceived and violated by a person they loved and trusted. Most people want it to not be true so badly that they stay in a state of denial and cling to delusional hope for at least a week or two. Your unflinching choices to not participate with or tolerate what you wife was doing is so refreshing and wonderful to witness.


He is ahead of the class. And remember at this stage its not your job to fix her. You can be a little selfish here. Continue to take care of yourself first. She has has a head start on you as far as that is.


----------



## flabergasted

Visionknower said:


> Flabbergasted, I for one, am impressed with your obvious good self esteem and with your ability to almost automatically not tolerate your wife's dishonorable choices that are way out of integrity.
> It is clear you are not confused at all about what is right and wrong, you see right through any bull and lack of regard for you. You are not going to allow your wife, who you have honored, to use and abuse you.
> So far you have acted amazingly quickly with actions that show that you know you deserve to be treated better then your wife is treating you and that you have no interest or intention to allow yourself to be used by her.
> You discovered the affair, you ask her to leave, and you exposed the affair to family and friend. WOW
> It often takes people several days just to get their heads around the reality that they have been deceived and violated by a person they loved and trusted. Most people want it to not be true so badly that they stay in a state of denial and cling to delusional hope for at least a week or two. Your unflinching choices to not participate with or tolerate what you wife was doing is so refreshing and wonderful to witness.


thank you very much for your support. it has been the most difficult thing of my life... i have tried to be strong and make the best choices i know how.


----------



## flabergasted

deed is done...
kids now know mommie is no longer living at home. They understand the most important thing is that we both love them unconditionally. this is not their fault. and we both want them to love both parents back unconditionally.


----------



## tom67

flabergasted said:


> deed is done...
> kids now know mommie is no longer living at home. They understand the most important thing is that we both love them unconditionally. this is not their fault. and we both want them to love both parents back unconditionally.


Now you will see by her actions if she is sorry and wants to work on the m.
You are making the best of a sh!t sandwich.
Believe me kids are smarter than you think.


----------



## illwill

flabergasted said:


> deed is done...
> kids now know mommie is no longer living at home. They understand the most important thing is that we both love them unconditionally. this is not their fault. and we both want them to love both parents back unconditionally.


Well done, sir. It is good for lurkers to see it done right.

Tough day. But acting with speed and strength gives back a sense of control, which is fleeting on dday.


----------



## Lmodel

Trust me mate you'll never get the full story, I'm still uncovering and dragging out details after 18 months. Although it does get easier with time it's a long and dusty road. I applaud you for asking her to leave, this is something I just didn't have the guts to do.


----------



## thummper

It's probably already been addressed here, but has the POSOM been contacted and reamed for his part in destroying another person's marriage? :scratchhead:


----------



## flabergasted

Will_Kane said:


> She sounds remorseful to me, like she is saying and doing the right things. She screwed up with her choice of words that rubbed you the wrong way, but I don't look at it as she is not remorseful because one time she said she wished she stopped before getting caught (which probably is true, in addition to her wishing that she never had the affair to begin with) or because she didn't want anyone else to know when you initially broached the subject with her (assuming she did not argue long or hard after you told her that it was one of your requirements).
> 
> I think her reaction was normal for a remorseful cheater. I would even go so far as to say that it is normal for someone who is remorseful to have one or two more "contacts" with the affair partner after saying they wouldn't. This is based on my personal experiences as well as reading here. It is only five days out, if she truly is remorseful, she likely is terrified of losing the marriage and likely to screw up the contact she almost definitely is going to receive from this guy by not telling you about it for fear of angering you further - even if she doesn't answer him, hangs up on him, or tells him to get lost, there is a good chance she won't tell you about it out of fear. In my opinion, this is normal. While you should insist on no contact, you should not be surprised if it does happen. I would also go so far as to say that if she doesn't tell you about any attempted contact on his part, then she probably is lying about it. He almost definitely will try to contact her again.
> 
> Her WORDS are a terrible way to judge remorse anyway. It's her ACTIONS that count. She did quit the gym, as far as you know she did quit the affair, and maintain no contact.
> 
> Have you asked her about whether or not she's cheated on you before? Have you asked her whether or not she will be willing to take a polygraph if you want her to? Have you asked her to give you all passwords and to not delete any more messages going forward?
> 
> I am not saying you should try to reconcile with your wife. I also am not saying you should divorce her. I am saying that you have not posted anything that makes me think she is not remorseful. She may not be, but I can't tell that from anything you've posted so far. Maybe you have a gut feeling she is not, she has a certain tone or attitude, certain body language, that is making you think she is not remorseful. At five days out, it probably is too early to really know what you want.
> 
> People who post here generally do so because they DO NOT want to get divorced. Getting divorced is easy, you just see a lawyer and follow the advice.
> 
> My advice would be to leave open both options at this point. Go see a lawyer and start to protect yourself financially and custody-wise. At the same time, ask your wife to take some actions to gauge her willingness to do what you need. Ask her to handwrite a no contact letter to the other man and give it to you for mailing. Yes, it's a worthless piece of paper that won't stop any contact, but it does say something if she is willing to write it - just a short message like "I'm ashamed of my behavior, I love my husband, I don't want you to ever contact me again." See if she is willing to take the polygraph. See if she will give you the passwords. See if she will refrain from deleting messages or browser history. See if she will change her email address, her phone number, delete her facebook and social media accounts. A truly remorseful spouse would agree to these things, maybe not immediately, but within a few minutes of realizing it's what you need to consider reconciliation.
> 
> Has she not tried to put any blame at all on you for her affair?
> 
> What was her reason for the affair? You said purely physical and that sometimes you turned her down for sex - was her sex drive that high, that she needed more than you could give, or was it something else?
> 
> Also, you said she got a lot of attention from men, so why did she pick this man? I know he started it, but so did a lot of other guys, none of whom she (as far as you know) ever took up on their offers. So why him?


Will Cane. Thank you for being more cerebral about this and less flash judgement. I will likely divorce the only women I have ever loved, but this is not easy. Thank you for realizing she HAS done every right thing since the discovery. I have access to her all passwords and she has not changed them. She told me I could delete her entire FB and if I didn't, she would. She knows i have started tracking her movement via "Find my Iphone", and said that is fine. She has made every confession and every attempt to assure me this was an enormous mistake and try to correct, even though she cant.


----------



## flabergasted

i honestly believe the only way to fix anything is to divorce her. if i am ever able to get past this, it must be from a voluntary renewal of our love without obligation or judgement on either side. Divorce is the only way that could ever happen... I have no obligation or need to stay with her at that point. she does not either...


----------



## flabergasted

BTW. I have consulted with an atty. Early on.....

and the DNA testing is asinine in my case. not applicable or helpful.


----------



## Want2babettrme

flabergasted said:


> the family meeting will not be placing blame on my wife for the situation. The kids can figure that out on their own. They don't need to hear it from their father. I will encourage the children to continue loving both parents and not look to blame anybody.


Flabergasted,

Your WW should tell the children she had an affair and that is the reason you are separating (and divorcing if you so decide). She has to own her affair 100%, and not try to put any blame off on you.

This is important for her to do as a consequence of her decision to have an affair. (BTW, pretty damn cold and calculating for her to go ahead and encourage the posom after thinking about it overnight when he grabbed and kissed her). 

Yes, she will be humiliated and ashamed, and her relationship with your children will change. She decided that tearing your family apart was worth a tumble with a pos that chases other men's wives. If she has to lay it out to your children, maybe she'll think twice when the next player starts to chat her up.

JMO

So sorry you have to deal with this. Take care of yourself.


----------



## flabergasted

Want2babettrme said:


> Flabergasted,
> 
> Your WW should tell the children she had an affair and that is the reason you are separating (and divorcing if you so decide). She has to own her affair 100%, and not try to put any blame off on you.
> 
> This is important for her to do as a consequence of her decision to have an affair. (BTW, pretty damn cold and calculating for her to go ahead and encourage the posom after thinking about it overnight when he grabbed and kissed her).
> 
> Yes, she will be humiliated and ashamed, and her relationship with your children will change. She decided that tearing your family apart was worth a tumble with a pos that chases other men's wives. If she has to lay it out to your children, maybe she'll think twice when the next player starts to chat her up.
> 
> JMO
> 
> So sorry you have to deal with this. Take care of yourself.


Thank you for that advice. I respectfully disagree with you. My children will forever love their mom, no matter what happened. and make no mistake. i would have it no other way. i want my children to love their mom unconditionally, even if i cannot. this is not their burdon to bear. additionally, if i try to make it their burdon, i will be the person resented...
i am a mature rational person who is currently in tremendous pain, but am aware enough to try to minimize the collateral damage.


----------



## illwill

flabergasted said:


> Thank you for that advice. I respectfully disagree with you. My children will forever love their mom, no matter what happened. and make no mistake. i would have it no other way. i want my children to love their mom unconditionally, even if i cannot. this is not their burdon to bear. additionally, if i try to make it their burdon, i will be the person resented...
> i am a mature rational person who is currently in tremendous pain, but am aware enough to try to minimize the collateral damage.


Wow!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Graywolf2

flabergasted said:


> BTW. the DNA testing is asinine in my case. not applicable or helpful.


I meant no disrespect to you or your children by suggesting a DNA test. 



Graywolf2 said:


> Tell her that you are going to DNA your kids and watch her reaction. She may confess to another affair to keep you for asking your kids for a DNA sample. Do this even if you know they are yours. It shows how her actions have shaken the very foundation of your marriage. You have lost all the trust you ever had in her.


----------



## Want2babettrme

flabergasted said:


> Thank you for that advice. I respectfully disagree with you. My children will forever love their mom, no matter what happened. and make no mistake. i would have it no other way. i want my children to love their mom unconditionally, even if i cannot. this is not their burdon to bear. additionally, if i try to make it their burdon, i will be the person resented...
> i am a mature rational person who is currently in tremendous pain, but am aware enough to try to minimize the collateral damage.


Please accept my apology for my careless and poorly thought suggestion. I am sorry. You are an honorable man dealing with a horrible situation. I regret that I have added to your pain.


----------



## tom67

Flabergasted, we only make suggestions.
As they say what doesn't apply let it fly.
Since you plan on divorce focus on you get some ic if needed.
The first year was rough for me.
Peace and good luck.


----------



## flabergasted

tom67 said:


> Flabergasted, we only make suggestions.
> As they say what doesn't apply let it fly.
> Since you plan on divorce focus on you get some ic if needed.
> The first year was rough for me.
> Peace and good luck.


Thank you...


----------



## illwill

You have a strong sense of self. That is very rare. You are handling this better most men i know.


----------



## flabergasted

i want everyone to know i struggled mightily for several days before i found this forum. I didn't know the things you guys know. This is all new territory to me. Uncharted waters. I will follow my intuition without question, but greatly appreciate the words of wisdom of those who have traveled before me. you have helped me express myself when i couldn't to others. You don't know me, but you have helped me tremendously in this time of need... and for that I thank you... I pray that I would be the last poor soul you ever need to counsel...


----------



## Machiavelli

flabergasted said:


> she told me she knew i would divorce her if she was caught. I am not your average guy. I am a very strong man with a lot of self respect. While i provided a great life for her, I am not an overly nice guy. Not a man to be trifled with. She knows this. I am not the type of patsy to allow this to be swept under rug in hopes of retaining love.
> 
> She said she just didn't think she would get caught. OUCH


They always think they can get away with it. Dopamine gives them fuzzy thinking, as well as a big "sex high."

I commend you on choosing divorce, today. Once she knows, she'll turn on a full court press for R, most likely.

As for your kids, they probably know more than you think and since you've booted her, they will figure out the rest in short order. I never understand how adults can completely forget how when they were kids they had a very good idea of what was going on in the adult world after about age 8.


----------



## tom67

Machiavelli said:


> They always think they can get away with it. Dopamine gives them fuzzy thinking, as well as a big "sex high."
> 
> I commend you on choosing divorce, today. Once she knows, she'll turn on a full court press for R, most likely.
> 
> As for your kids, they probably know more than you think and since you've booted her, they will figure out the rest in short order. I never understand how adults can completely forget how when they were kids they had a very good idea of what was going on in the adult world after about age 8.


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## flabergasted

Machiavelli said:


> They always think they can get away with it. Dopamine gives them fuzzy thinking, as well as a big "sex high."
> 
> I commend you on choosing divorce, today. Once she knows, she'll turn on a full court press for R, most likely.
> 
> As for your kids, they probably know more than you think and since you've booted her, they will figure out the rest in short order. I never understand how adults can completely forget how when they were kids they had a very good idea of what was going on in the adult world after about age 8.


my oldest daughter has some understanding. we had some loud arguments and she heard something about another man.. younger son will find out all in good time... it is not my job to crush my children's mother to their face...


----------



## tom67

flabergasted said:


> my oldest daughter has some understanding. we had some loud arguments and she heard something about another man.. younger son will find out all in good time... it is not my job to crush my children's mother to their face...


Later a few years from now or whenever, tell them what transpired just the facts.
Believe me the truth ALWAYS comes out.
That is down the road take care of yourself now so you can give your kids as stable a life for now they will respect you for it.
Start working out and find the time for it please.


----------



## flabergasted

so my 11 year old boy just asked if he could spend the night in my bed... of course he can... this is a tough time for all the family and we are here for each other...

do you think he would do this if i was calling his mother a *****????


----------



## tom67

flabergasted said:


> so my 11 year old boy just asked if he could spend the night in my bed... of course he can... this is a tough time for all the family and we are here for each other...
> 
> do you think he would do this if i was calling his mother a *****????


He's too young for that.
That is totally cool though.


----------



## Graywolf2

flabergasted said:


> so my 11 year old boy just asked if he could spend the night in my bed... of course he can... this is a tough time for all the family and we are here for each other...
> 
> do you think he would do this if i was calling his mother a *****????


No. It seems like you know your kids better than anyone. 

Take the advise you get here with a grain of salt. All we can go by what you tell us and obviously you can’t relate everything about your particular situation. You are the boss. Filter what we say.

You have done extremely well.

Good luck.


----------



## happyman64

flabergasted said:


> i honestly believe the only way to fix anything is to divorce her. if i am ever able to get past this, it must be from a voluntary renewal of our love without obligation or judgement on either side. Divorce is the only way that could ever happen... I have no obligation or need to stay with her at that point. she does not either...


Flabergasted

You might very well be right and feel you have to divorce your wife.

We understand the pain.

Do not rush to any major decisions right now.

Let your emotions settle for awhile.

HM


----------



## sammy3

FG,

I would have been married 30 years this Jan. In what would have been consider a healthy marriage, a happy marriage, a good marriage... H had an affair 2.5 years ago. 

I didnt have TAM to fall back on in time of need. I wished I did. I did EVERYTHING wrong, and am still doing so. I have lived in pure hell since, because I dont have the backbone that the alpha male has. 

I also have a young adult son. He was 21 when my marriage failed. He was, and still is my rock. But I will share with you, as strong as he was for he, as much as he understood we both loved him and would be there for him, no matter what. No matter that he still has a good relationship with the both of us, I have heard him crying to himself over my pain, his pain, over the only family he knew, and the lost of what he experienced too. 

He was always a very strong student, I thought he was handling things well, but he almost failed out of university. Tank his prelims. GPA dropped. It's still following him, as it's a black mark for him as he applies to medical schools. 

Finally almost into our 3rd year out, he asked me if he could go to IC himself... so please keep an eye on your kids... they are scared, just as your wife, and I believe, inside you are too. It's a different world for all, and they feel it too. 

I am so truly sorry that you are here, this is a horrible place to be. It is truly unreal... I hope you can get through it to R if that is the path you chose. 

~sammy


----------



## adriana

Will_Kane said:


> Adriana, I am also curious about the link between arrogance on the husband's part and the cheating wife's choice of affair partner, even though it does not apply in this particular poster's situation. I am just curious about what you feel the link would have been.



Will_Kane, I'm sorry but I don't think I should post in this thread anymore. I've already stirred up enough controversy and I would rather just leave it like this. Actually, I think I'll take some time off from posting on this forum to cool off a bit.


----------



## Graywolf2

Should have been a private message to sammy3.

Sorry


----------



## Mr Blunt

> *Quote of Flabergasted*
> deed is done...
> kids now know mommie is no longer living at home. They understand the most important thing is that we both love them unconditionally. this is not their fault. and we both want them to love both parents back unconditionally
> 
> 
> i honestly believe the only way to fix anything is to divorce her. if i am ever able to get past this, it must be from a voluntary renewal of our love without obligation or judgement on either side. Divorce is the only way that could ever happen... I have no obligation or need to stay with her at that point. she does not either...


*Your position in regards to your children is right on!!! Good thinking!

Keep reinforcing
“…we both love them unconditionally. this is not their fault”

They will need this often for years; very important!!!*



Here is what I did many years ago

1	Wife told me she was involve with an older married man
2	I divorced her
3	She wanted to stay with me in the house: I allowed it.
4	I waited for over 4 years before I remarried her ( she convinced me that she was remorseful)


The divorce is not out of haltered but to protect me and my children (I got full custody). It was also because that is what is just and she must prove that she is remorseful. One or two years is not enough for me. I never threw it up in her face and later even did some things to help her with her self worth. I am not a great guy I am a guy that wanted the best for me and my children; then lastly her.

My guess is that your wife is a good woman that made a terrible mistake that hurt the whole family. She has caused damage that will take either years or decades to mend. Some things will never mend but you both can make it if done right; can even be better in some areas for some couples.



Do not be hateful to her and when you are ready you can help her if you want. She has seriously damaged an already damaged self esteem and you can not afford to take a chance that she will not recover and then fall again. That is not cruel that is reality.



It is possible that you can both get back together and make a good life for yourselves and the children. *She will always be your children’s mother and that is very important but she must go the extra mile and prove for years that she is never going to damage the family with betrayal again.*

*If you two make it you children will better off in almost every case.*


PS My wife was an elementary school teacher


----------



## TRy

flabergasted said:


> my oldest daughter has some understanding. we had some loud arguments and she heard something about another man.. younger son will find out all in good time... it is not my job to crush my children's mother to their face...


 My father cheated on my mother when I was very young, which led to a divorce. Although I was young, I resented that my mother did not keep me fully in the loop about what what was going on, as it was my life and my right to know. It also hurt my mother because my father kept telling us that he did not want the divorce, so we blamed my mother for the divorce that so messed with our lives. Do not make this mistake with your children. You did nothing wrong and you should not be the bad guy to your children for this divorce.

Your children need to trust you now more than ever, as this divorce will impact them as much as you. They will only trust you if you give them the truth. You do not want them finding out on their own in an ugly way. Other children will overhear about the affair from their parents and tell your children. This will happen. Trust me when I say that this is a horrible way to find out, if they do not already know. You do not have to call her names to simply tell them the truth as to why you are divorcing. Without telling them the details, simple tell them that their mother secretly cheating on you with another man for many months, and that although you still lover her very much, you have no choice but to divorce her. Not only will being truthful now better help them deal with what is going on, it will let you take better control of helping them deal with the pain that is coming their way. Tell them that this was not aimed at them by their mother, and that she still loves them very much, and that they should still love her back.

Again, I have been there. Please, please, please tell your children. Not for you, but for them. You will so regret it if you do not.


----------



## X-B

I am sorry you are here. I know how you feel. Hang tight until you get is sorted out.. Don't do stupid things like I did today.


----------



## Granny7

flabergasted said:


> I found out this week my wife has been sleeping with another man for the past 5 months. we were high school sweethearts. have been happily (I thought) married for the last 22 years.
> we have 2 children, an adolescent boy and older teen daughter. she appears to be devastated and is trying desperately to keep me from divorcing her. I have been a wonderful (not perfect) husband. Provide very well for our family. I have always been 100% faithful.
> 
> I don't know if I want to keep the relationship after this. Prior to this she was the love of my life, and now I am afraid I will always have images of her and the other man in my mind.
> 
> I also posted this under the considering divorce forum.


flabergasted,
I can tell you how bad I feel for you. Words don't describe betrayal from the person you love the most in the world and you think they feel the same way. I went through the same thing 25 yrs. ago, thought I had a wonderful marriage. During a conference a slightly younger women flirted with him and he enjoyed it at 40 yrs. of age. We had only even been with each other, met in HS, got married at 18, so the pain was unbelievable. I went into a state of shock just like you did. My CH lied to me from the beginning as the A was supposedly over according to him. Her H says that it was still going on and I still don't know the truth. My H lied through his teeth, made up things so I wouldn't kick him out. That's why you've got to be careful and do what other's are asking here of you. Check phone records, charges, computer, text, everything that I didn't have some access to 25 yrs. ago. I found out that his 1 yr. lunch A was actually a 3 yr. one with 2 weekends. He sat at our kitchen table that morning after I received the letter from the OWH telling me about the A along with 4 love letters and held our 2 daughter's hand and told all of us a lie. I had told him to get out the night before and he wouldn't leave. I wish I had called the law. He lied to our priest also, so I stayed with him based on lies. I never found out most of the truth till 8 months later. So, please don't take her at her work, check, check and check again. I wish you the best and my heart goes out to you. Find out all that you can, as my CS wouldn't tell me anything and now 25 yrs. later it's all coming back to me and I'm asking questions that he claims he doesn't remember anymore. So, if their is any chance of reconciliation, find out everything now while it's fresh on her mind. We've been married 52 yrs. and I believe we are heading for divorce now as I can't stand the thought of what I don't know that happened between them during those three yrs. Also, the thought of him betraying me with another woman and yet sleeping with me and all the lies during that time is killing me inside. I feel like such a fool, I didn't suspect a thing as I trusted him so much. Don't trust, find out everything and she shouldn't be allowed to see the other person.

Best of luck, please take care of yourself also.
Granny7


----------



## martyc47

flabergasted said:


> She did not push me away. she enjoyed being intimate with me. I would push her away on occasion because the level of stress and workload in my life, but she never pushed me away.


Is this only during/after her affair or in general?


----------



## Granny7

flabergasted said:


> my oldest daughter has some understanding. we had some loud arguments and she heard something about another man.. younger son will find out all in good time... it is not my job to crush my children's mother to their face...


Flabergasted,
A quick comment. Our children were older when my CH betrayed me. But we did have a 15 yr. old living at home. As I said, my H lied to all of us and I found out in bits and pieces. I eventually, after 5 yrs. of therapy, which he went to but really wasn't there, decided to forgive and move on with the marriage. It was my mistake, but I was so battle worn, mental health issues from it, etc. My 15 yr. old knew about it as she saw the letter that came and our house was so stressful, she begged me to divorce her Father. I didn't, tried not to fight in front of her, but she felt the tension. I didn't divorce him, but she moved out when she turned 16. I never found out the whole truth due to his lies and he never changed much after the A. My mistake was not divorcing him after all the lies. Now that I am trying to find out answers due to PTSD, my children are on the side of their Father. They think that due to his behavior he brought back all the trigger points from the A. No, he wasn't having another one, just not treating me with much love and drinking to much. So, now that we are about ready to separate, I will be the one to blame for breaking up our marriage. Life can be so unfair, so I agree that the oldest child should be told and maybe with the two of you together, with your wife taking the lead since she's the one that messed the marriage up, let her tell them in the nicest way that she made a big mistake and because of that things are going to change. You get the picture. I'm going through hell right now, as I know as soon as I decide to separate from my CH 25 yrs. later, due to rug sweeping, I'll be the one they will be angry with. Don't let that happen to you.
Take care, Granny7


----------



## Chaparral

Fyi, the dna tests and the polygraph suggestions are more of a bluff. It is to show your wife you can no longer believe anything she's says. The odds this is her first rodeo are slim.
At mimimum, you should force the polygraph test, its your best shot at getting the truth. I can't remember a case here where a cheating spouse came clean without being forced to do so.


----------



## Hicks

Disclosing to the children helps them process the "loss" they are to suffer.... It's not done to spite the wife. DNA testing is done to show your wife the level of her betrayal which is causing you do doubt the entirety of your marraige to her and sets a model that says you only accept proof that comes from a source other than her mouth.


----------



## mahike

Sorry you are here. I was married 29 years when this happened to me. You have taken some good first steps, she is out of the house and you exposed. She has figured out that you are not to be messed with and are a serious guy.

Most of the time the wife thinks she can trickle truth their way out of this. I am jumping in late and you were talking about the mind movies in your head. I really good IC will help you work on that. It took my awhile but when this comes up focus on your kids. Also getting out and doing something that will make you sweat will help as well.

You need to get to a DR and get checked for STD's. Did she tell you it was protected sex? You really cannot trust what she is saying at this point so get checked. Also are you eating and or sleeping? Talk with the Dr about that as well. You need to stay healthy for the kids.


----------



## Graywolf2

Hicks said:


> DNA testing is done to show your wife the level of her betrayal which is causing you do doubt the entirety of your marraige to her and sets a model that says you only accept proof that comes from a source other than her mouth.


Exactly, even if you know 100% that they are yours; the threat of DNA testing makes the point that her actions have shaken the very foundation of your marriage.


----------



## WyshIknew

Chaparral said:


> Fyi, the dna tests and the polygraph suggestions are more of a bluff. It is to show your wife you can no longer believe anything she's says. The odds this is her first rodeo are slim.
> At mimimum, you should force the polygraph test, its your best shot at getting the truth. I can't remember a case here where a cheating spouse came clean without being forced to do so.


Yes, the infamous 'parking lot confession'.


----------



## badmemory

flabbergasted,

I'm going to relate my experience with my WW to yours, because in many ways it was so similar:

- We were married 22 years at the time

- My wife was a teacher

- The POSOM is a retired cop

In terms of the severity of my wife's betrayal, I think I could argue that my wife's was worse. The PA was two years, and was intended to be an exit affair. None the less, I can relate to what you're going through. I've been in R with my wife for over two years now; but I made some mistakes in the aftermath that I wish I could do over again. I didn't have the benefit of TAM at the time. In reading your thread, I don't see you've made any of the mistakes I did, and likely won't. Good for you. 

Every BS has their own threshold for attempting R - regardless of how much remorse the WS demonstrates. No matter what yours is, it's a personal decision that only you can make. When I was at your point post Dday, I had also kicked my wife out of the house and I was convinced that I would divorce her.

If you even want to consider R, my suggestion is that you separate yourself from her long enough for her to have a very good understanding; of what it's like to lose her husband for cheating - and for you to have time to process your feelings. 

If you do allow her back, accept nothing less than her demonstrating remorse in every word, every action. Don't make any promises to her. She should understand that this is a trial period. No one will blame you for having attempted R and realizing at some point down the road that you just can't do it. Whether the reason is her lack of remorse or for no other reason at all.

Good luck and keep posting.


----------



## vellocet

adriana said:


> Nope. It isn't blame shifting. It's true that sooner or later your own arrogance will bite you in the ass.


To what arrogance are you referring?




> If I'm right about the OP's arrogant side I'm quite confident that it was the main factor for her.


There is that blameshifting Nucking Futs was talking about.




> I could actually tell more about it and his wife's selection of her affair partner but I'll just leave it lake that.


Are you his wife's best friend and cover?


----------



## Tall Average Guy

flabergasted said:


> and the DNA testing is asinine in my case. not applicable or helpful.


Curious why you don't think it is applicable. 

As far as not telling your kids, I am fine with you deciding not to. But I think that if she does not, particularly if the kids start to blame you, that is a sign that she is more worried about herself than you. Her concern over others knowing is a red-flag, although one that she still has time to fix. Watch out for this.


----------



## hookares

flabergasted said:


> BTW. I have consulted with an atty. Early on.....
> 
> and the DNA testing is asinine in my case. not applicable or helpful.


I thought the same thing. Good luck.


----------



## badmemory

One other thing fg,

If you don't want to do DNA testing, that's your call. But the suggestion is not asinine. Put aside that you may be completely confident the children are yours. There are a number of BS's who have thought the same. You might be surprised at the statistical likelihood. You should research it for yourself. That said, no one is suggesting that you'd feel any different about the children you raised, but you'd certainly know a lot more about your wife.

But just as important, it can be an eye opening consequence to the WS that reinforces how much you've lost trust in her and how you no longer are willing to assume that's she's telling you the truth; now and in the past.


----------



## tom67

badmemory said:


> One other thing fg,
> 
> If you don't want to do DNA testing, that's your call. But the suggestion is not asinine. Put aside that you may be completely confident the children are yours. There are a number of BS's who have thought the same. You might be surprised at the statistical likelihood. You should research it for yourself. That said, no one is suggesting that you'd feel any different about the children you raised, but you'd certainly know a lot more about your wife.
> 
> But just as important, it can be an eye opening consequence to the WS that reinforces how much you've lost trust in her and how you no longer are willing to assume that's she's telling you the truth; now and in the past.


Ask Hookares
His story is sad.
Both his kids were fathered by different men.
That is an extreme case I suppose but wouldn't you like to know now rather then when they are adults.
They need the info for future medical considerations also.
I tested mine but that is your call.


----------



## doubletrouble

flabergasted said:


> Prior to this she was the love of my life, and now I am afraid I will always have images of her and the other man in my mind.


You will. Trust me.


----------



## flabergasted

I appreciate the advice on DNA and Polygraph and STD testing. I didn't mean to offend by calling your ideas asinine. You are obviously looking out for me. having said that, I am still not planning a DNA test. Not because of what I am afraid of what I might find. It is just unnecessary. I know the chidren are mine. and the point that it will prove to her about the level of distrust I have... I have no need to prove anything to her at this point... my next post will clarify.


----------



## flabergasted

i have decided to file for a divorce. I was already 90% sure. Our state the divorce happens 6 months after filing, so there is nothing final done just by filing. however I do believe it will become permenant in 6 months. 

I still have a lot of love in my heart for this women. We may spend the rest of our lives together, but this marriage is over. It has no chance of surviving if i simply try to reconcile. I have to completely leave. I have to make the situation such that I have no reason to be with her other than love. I want to provide her an opportunity to have no reason to be with me, other than love. Don't stay for guilt. Don't stay for obligation. Don't stay for a meal ticket. don't stay to avoid humiliation. Don't stay for the children. 

Only when all of those things are no longer reasons for us to be together would I Know that the real reason we are together is love.


----------



## flabergasted

I liken to the trade center bombing. When she cheated on me, it was like the plane crashing into the tower. That building, like my marriage, was destroyed. You couldn't try to rebuild that building from the twisted wreckage. I had to be wiped clean. Only then was there a possibility of a new building. I cannot save our marriage. it is already destroyed.


----------



## tom67

Well, she has a small window to do some "heavy lifting"and change your mind.

One day at a time. Stranger things have happened.


----------



## anchorwatch

File. You can find out a lot things in six months.


----------



## vellocet

flabergasted said:


> i have decided to file for a divorce. I was already 90% sure. Our state the divorce happens 6 months after filing, so there is nothing final done just by filing. however I do believe it will become permenant in 6 months.
> 
> I still have a lot of love in my heart for this women.


Very good. I think its the best thing for you. But please don't be down in the dumps thinking you have a lot of love for someone who could have really given 2 shytes about you to do what she did.
Get out there in the dating world and enjoy the company of much better women than your wife.


----------



## MattMatt

flabergasted said:


> BTW. I have consulted with an atty. Early on.....
> 
> and the DNA testing is asinine in my case. not applicable or helpful.


Actually a DNA test can be helpful as it shows a WS: "Look. Look at what you did to me, to us, to our marriage. To us as a family. I don't know if you were ever honest with me. Even to the extent that you have made me question if I actually fathered your children."

A DNA test isn't always to test parenthood.


----------



## flabergasted

MattMatt said:


> Actually a DNA test can be helpful as it shows a WS: "Look. Look at what you did to me, to us, to our marriage. To us as a family. I don't know if you were ever honest with me. Even to the extent that you have made me question if I actually fathered your children."
> 
> A DNA test isn't always to test parenthood.


It doesn't matter. I don't have a need to show her that. I am filing for a divorce. There is no benefit to making her understand my level of distrust. She will understand that when she signs papers.


----------



## MattMatt

flabergasted said:


> It doesn't matter. I don't have a need to show her that. I am filing for a divorce. There is no benefit to making her understand my level of distrust. She will understand that when she signs papers.


Good luck with the next stages of your life.:smthumbup:


----------



## 2asdf2

You are one of the few people who understood early on that divorce can be the first step toward reconciliation. 

I encourage you to not write your WW off -I don't think you have- and to stay the course with an open mind.

I wish you great success in going forward.


----------



## just got it 55

happyman64 said:


> Flabergasted
> 
> Will Kane makes some very good points.
> 
> I understand you are only 1 week into this and tomorrow you are sitting down with your kids.
> 
> Judge your wife by her actions.
> 
> Yes she has cheated on you. Moving her out was a very good idea.
> 
> Are you able to verify where she is now that she is out of the home?
> Are you able to monitor her cell, facebook and social activities?
> 
> Good luck with the kids tomorrow night.
> 
> And do not beat yourself up so bad. Many of us had the one we trusted 100% cheat right under our very noses.
> 
> Take it one day at a time. Eat, drink plenty of fluids and get some sleep.
> 
> Try to focus at work. Especially if it is so stressful.
> 
> You are going to fully realize that her Affair had very little to do with you.
> 
> Your wife has issues and it has nothing to do with a house being built or her back.
> 
> That is not the reason she got on her back for a man 20+ her age.
> 
> No matter what make her get to the bottom of why she chose something so destructive to you, your marriage and your family.
> 
> And legalize the separation so she does not hurt your finances or credit.
> 
> HM


Flab G Your wife is yet another perfect example of a entitled selfish princess. Just get your answers take your time and walk that truth tight rope of telling your children.

That’s your call. You know their emotional state and mindset to handle this truth better than us. My opinion is the truth will always be so take that for what it’s worth.

I don’t envy your position. The affair is hard enough to handle, but when it concerns your children that’s a deeper quicksand pit to negotiate. 

As usual HM 64 is dead on in his assessment

Make the decisions you need to heal, get whole and start a new way of thinking life’s objectives.

55


----------



## illwill

Do not divorce as a stunt. Be prepared to move on without her.

If she wins you over. Fine. Great. If not. Move on. 

There are many many lovely women who would not have done this to you. 

Divorce is about moving on. Not a test for a wayward, who has already revealed themselves.

Nothing wrong with seeing what else the world can offer.


----------



## flabergasted

illwill

you are absolutely right. divorce is no stunt. I may not be able to live with this woman ever again. But I must divorce. 
This is soooo hard. 

But I will be okay. I will be happy again. Maybe with someone else. Perhaps with her. no way to know till I get there


----------



## illwill

I have no doubt you will be fine either way, brother.


----------



## Machiavelli

flabergasted said:


> illwill
> 
> you are absolutely right. divorce is no stunt. I may not be able to live with this woman ever again. But I must divorce.
> This is soooo hard.
> 
> But I will be okay. I will be happy again. Maybe with someone else. Perhaps with her. no way to know till I get there


Besides, it shows great leadership to your children to quickly make a decision and move on it. That's their leadership class for today. But it actually makes you more attractive to your wife. Decisive action is extremely attractive to women. It's more important to take an action in these circumstances than to make the huge mistake of dithering in paralysis that we see in some threads (most of those guys don't hang around here long), as your wife's contempt for you continues to build.


----------



## tom67

Machiavelli said:


> Besides, it shows great leadership to your children to quickly make a decision and move on it. That's their leadership class for today. But it actually makes you more attractive to your wife. Decisive action is extremely attractive to women. It's more important to take an action in these circumstances than to make the huge mistake of dithering in paralysis that we see in some threads (most of those guys don't hang around here long), as your wife's contempt for you continues to build.


:iagree:
He has handled this well whatever happens later.


----------



## harrybrown

Has she ever been tested for stds? 

You may need to check on this.


----------



## Graywolf2

You seem extremely resistant to any suggestion that your wife may have been previously unfaithful during your 22 years of marriage. 

If you are getting a D it really doesn’t matter. Finding out may not be worth the pain. 

However, should you decide to R at some point, at least consider the possibility. At least bluff with polygraph and DNA testing before proceeding with R.


----------



## tom67

Graywolf2 said:


> You seem extremely resistant to any suggestion that your wife may have been previously unfaithful during your 22 years of marriage.
> 
> If you are getting a D it really doesn’t matter. Finding out may not be worth the pain.
> 
> However, should you decide to R at some point, at least consider the possibility. At least bluff with polygraph and DNA testing before proceeding with R.


It is a personal decision.
I did it with my d.
She is mine it was more for effect because I was hurt.
To each his own.


----------



## wonderif

Two things to add.

I take it you have significant responsibilities at work. This WILL affect your job. I told my CEO and my peers. They have been very supportive. 

Second is the effect on your kids. Get them in counselling with you. Make time to be with them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nuclearnightmare

flabergasted said:


> my oldest daughter has some understanding. we had some loud arguments and she heard something about another man.. younger son will find out all in good time... it is not my job to crush my children's mother to their face...


OP

I also think it is not your job to cover for her,or minimize what she did to your kids, or lie for her etc. Sound s like you agree.....


----------



## nuclearnightmare

OP

a question: is she emotional about what is happening? Crying etc? Am not picking that up from your posts


----------



## flabergasted

OP here. Hanging tough guys. Been almost 2 weeks now. wife been out of house for one week. Extremely tough. So emotionally draining. I still believe I am headed straight for divorce. Have not filed yet though. She is living with her mom currently. to respond to previous post, yes, her actions and words say she is extremely remorseful, but who really knows what she is sad about... sad about loosing her lifestyle, sad about being publicly shamed... sad about destroying her family and children,... who am I so say?

I sat down yesterday with someone with the exact experience I have had. They chose to reconcile. it has been about three years, and that person now wishes they had the strength and resolve that I have, and they had divorced when the ball was in motion. Now they are stuck in a marriage and life that is a daily struggle. Never get over the hurt or anger.

Please respond... Thanks


----------



## flabergasted

while my job is tough currently, I am changing jobs. I set the ball in motion months ago to switch to a different company doing same job. Less money, but more free time and less stress. She knew this. I should start new job in couple weeks. In meantime, current position still very demanding.

BTW... I got the official job offer from new company the morning of Jan 6... The evening of Jan 6, my entire world changed.....


----------



## The Middleman

What can I say other than I admire what you are doing, your resolve, and your sense of self respect. I commend you.


----------



## happyman64

flabergasted said:


> while my job is tough currently, I am changing jobs. I set the ball in motion months ago to switch to a different company doing same job. Less money, but more free time and less stress. She knew this. I should start new job in couple weeks. In meantime, current position still very demanding.
> 
> BTW... I got the official job offer from new company the morning of Jan 6... The evening of Jan 6, my entire world changed.....


Flabbergasted

It sounds like Jan 6 will forever be burned into your memory.

I am a little surprised you have not filed yet but I also think it is good to let your emotions settle when making life altering decisions.

Has your wife given the "why" yet?

Her choice of OM is a little off to me.

Has she opened up to you at all?

HM


----------



## WyshIknew

flabergasted said:


> OP here. Hanging tough guys. Been almost 2 weeks now. wife been out of house for one week. Extremely tough. So emotionally draining. I still believe I am headed straight for divorce. Have not filed yet though. She is living with her mom currently. to respond to previous post, yes, her actions and words say she is extremely remorseful, but who really knows what she is sad about... sad about loosing her lifestyle, sad about being publicly shamed... sad about destroying her family and children,... who am I so say?
> 
> I sat down yesterday with someone with the exact experience I have had. They chose to reconcile. it has been about three years, and that person now wishes they had the strength and resolve that I have, and they had divorced when the ball was in motion. Now they are stuck in a marriage and life that is a daily struggle. Never get over the hurt or anger.
> 
> Please respond... Thanks


I suppose you have to ask yourself what could she do to change your mind?

At the moment it seems, nothing.

I personally feel that any reconciliation should only occur if you feel that you still deeply love that person, you can ultimately come to terms with what they did and forgive them, trust that they will not repeat the behaviour.

I disagree with reconciling for the children unless it is merely till the children are adults and you can deal with this.
Also reconciling for the lifestyle, or any other reason means having to suppress your hurt and sorrow down which can't be healthy.


----------



## bfree

The biggest thing is why. She needs to figure out how she came to the point that it was so easy to betray you. And she needs to convince you that it's the truth and that she has taken concrete steps to fix that part of herself that allowed her to cheat. Unless all of these things occur reconciliation is futile. You can't just forgive her. She needs therapy so that she can eventually forgive herself.


----------



## flabergasted

happyman64 said:


> Flabbergasted
> 
> It sounds like Jan 6 will forever be burned into your memory.
> 
> I am a little surprised you have not filed yet but I also think it is good to let your emotions settle when making life altering decisions.
> 
> Has your wife given the "why" yet?
> 
> Her choice of OM is a little off to me.
> 
> Has she opened up to you at all?
> 
> HM


she has told me why, but it is non sense. it was all the bs which comes out when first confronted. "We were stressed... I was weak... he was so persistent..."

ultimately what I believe happened was this. he made his intentions known... she told him no. she went home and thought about this and became excited. her life wasn't near as fun and thrilling as the illicit touch of another man. she decided that would be something fun, and persued it. thinking that she would never be discovered.


----------



## flabergasted

I honestly believe we have a chance of spending the rest of our lives together, albeit small. but the only way that can occur is through a divorce.


----------



## Machiavelli

flabergasted said:


> she has told me why, but it is non sense. it was all the bs which comes out when first confronted. "We were stressed... I was weak... he was so persistent..."
> 
> ultimately what I believe happened was this. he made his intentions known... she told him no. she went home and thought about this and became excited. her life wasn't near as fun and thrilling as the illicit touch of another man. she decided that would be something fun, and persued it. thinking that she would never be discovered.


And it was exciting enough to keep doing it. The thrill of putting it over on you was half the fun, although they will never admit it. Those circumstances made the sex even better. After she did it the first time, she was probably sure you would sense it, but you didn't. Big thrill for her, big downgrade of your status in her mind. It's a loop that feeds and amplifies itself each time.

Tell her you're going to DNA the kids.

And hurry up and file.


----------



## WyshIknew

Machiavelli said:


> And it was exciting enough to keep doing it. The thrill of putting it over on you was half the fun, although they will never admit it. Those circumstances made the sex even better. After she did it the first time, she was probably sure you would sense it, but you didn't. Big thrill for her, big downgrade of your status in her mind. It's a loop that feeds and amplifies itself each time.
> 
> Tell her you're going to DNA the kids.
> 
> *And hurry up and file*.


:iagree:

It won't seem like fun to her then.

Also big status upgrade for you as well.


----------



## WyshIknew

flabergasted said:


> he doesn't work AT the gym. He works OUT AT the gym. They have a little social network at the gym. They were both part of that social network. She was able to spend time at the gym because of her lifestyle. I was not.
> 
> My parents also go to the same gym, and now know the truth. I want to make sure if he ever goes back to gym, I go and inform truth to entire social network.


While I don't think obsessing over the OM is a good idea short sharp payback does help some people.

Maybe a letter to the gym owners explaining that you, your wife and others will be cancelling your membership due to this. And air your concerns over who else he might be doing this with?

Might get him barred from the gym.


----------



## WyshIknew

flabergasted said:


> my oldest daughter has some understanding. we had some loud arguments and she heard something about another man.. younger son will find out all in good time... it is not my job to crush my children's mother to their face...





tom67 said:


> Later a few years from now or whenever, tell them what transpired just the facts.
> Believe me the truth ALWAYS comes out.
> That is down the road take care of yourself now so you can give your kids as stable a life for now they will respect you for it.
> Start working out and find the time for it please.


I reckon they pretty much know what has gone down.

Kids aren't daft, while they may not know the details I am fairly sure they will know the broad outline of what went down.


----------



## treyvion

Machiavelli said:


> And it was exciting enough to keep doing it. The thrill of putting it over on you was half the fun, although they will never admit it. Those circumstances made the sex even better. After she did it the first time, she was probably sure you would sense it, but you didn't. Big thrill for her, big downgrade of your status in her mind. It's a loop that feeds and amplifies itself each time.
> 
> Tell her you're going to DNA the kids.
> 
> And hurry up and file.


It's how the affairs "put them OVER you". They look down at you after some time doing it.


----------



## aug

flabergasted said:


> I honestly believe we have a chance of spending the rest of our lives together, albeit small. but the only way that can occur is through a divorce.



Given what marriage and divorce should be, getting remarried to the same person after a divorce shows either divorce is a game or marriage is a game. Shows lack of respect for one or the other.

If marriage to her is important to you, then work on it. If you cant resolve any issues, then divorce. Dont look back. I suggest you do it cleanly.


----------



## happyman64

flabergasted said:


> she has told me why, but it is non sense. it was all the bs which comes out when first confronted. "We were stressed... I was weak... he was so persistent..."
> 
> ultimately what I believe happened was this. he made his intentions known... she told him no. she went home and thought about this and became excited. her life wasn't near as fun and thrilling as the illicit touch of another man. she decided that would be something fun, and persued it. thinking that she would never be discovered.


Your right. Her answers are all BS.

Just remember BS=Be Strong!


----------



## MattMatt

aug said:


> Given what marriage and divorce should be, getting remarried to the same person after a divorce shows either divorce is a game or marriage is a game. Shows lack of respect for one or the other.
> 
> If marriage to her is important to you, then work on it. If you cant resolve any issues, then divorce. Dont look back. I suggest you do it cleanly.


*
Or that divorce and remarriage can be a part of the healing process for some?*


----------



## aug

MattMatt said:


> *
> Or that divorce and remarriage can be a part of the healing process for some?*


A remarriage does not wipe out the fact that she cheated for a long time, that she had a lover while married. The real bottom line after a remarriage to the same person is that she still cheated on you. There's no denying that reality.

After a remarriage what really changed? She's still married to him. She still had cheated on him.


----------



## Summer4744

How did your wife take the news of divorce? Did she try to fight for you? Has it sunk in yet that you are indeed divorcing?


----------



## The Middleman

MattMatt said:


> *
> Or that divorce and remarriage can be a part of the healing process for some?*


I have to agree with this. If she really wants him back, she can't do it from within the safety and protection of a legal marriage. Everyone they know needs to know the ugly truth of what she has done to him and the reason for the divorce. The OP has to become a single guy and meet others who will hopefully show him more love and respect, as a good man. Then his XW needs to compete rigorously with others to get him back, if he really wants her back after he's seen better women. THAT is a level playing field.


----------



## jim123

flabergasted said:


> she has told me why, but it is non sense. it was all the bs which comes out when first confronted. "We were stressed... I was weak... he was so persistent..."
> 
> ultimately what I believe happened was this. he made his intentions known... she told him no. she went home and thought about this and became excited. her life wasn't near as fun and thrilling as the illicit touch of another man. she decided that would be something fun, and persued it. thinking that she would never be discovered.


Most BS over analyze these things. He was persistent because she was sending signals. He would have stopped if she shot him down. She just needed to get her courage up.

She was open to an affair and would have had one with someone at some point.

Often the OM is not special in any way. It could have been anyone willing to put the work in.

You are doing the right things. I would also suggest that you look into moving on as well. You need to have value not only in the WS eyes but also for yourself.

If you end up back with your WS, make sure it is out of love and strength and not fear of being alone.


----------



## CuddleBug

flabergasted said:


> I found out this week my wife has been sleeping with another man for the past 5 months. we were high school sweethearts. have been happily (I thought) married for the last 22 years.
> we have 2 children, an adolescent boy and older teen daughter. she appears to be devastated and is trying desperately to keep me from divorcing her. I have been a wonderful (not perfect) husband. Provide very well for our family. I have always been 100% faithful.
> 
> I don't know if I want to keep the relationship after this. Prior to this she was the love of my life, and now I am afraid I will always have images of her and the other man in my mind.
> 
> I also posted this under the considering divorce forum.



*Sounds like you are her ideal man and hubby, nice and comfy, money isn't an issue, have two great kids, nice guy and she got bored......and had an affair.*


If she was missing something, she could of communicated that with you.

If she had fantasies, she could of communicated them with you.

If she is HD and you are average or LD, she could of communicated that to you.


She has everything and meets this OM, wants even more, sex with him and went for it.


*Sounds like she had it too good and is spoiled.....*


If you are the love of her life, her high school sweet heart, why did she still go out of her way to meet and have sex with this OM? Because she could........


She could of communicated with you, she needs more sex, kink it up, toys, movies, dress up, oils, candles, feathers, tie her down, try anal, feet, do it outside, etc. 

Did she say anything?

*No, she allowed this OM to pursue her, and had a PA and if you wouldn't of caught her, it would be on going and eventually she would of left you, I have feelings and I don't know what I want in life.....etc, etc, etc.
*


She has back pain, stressed and weak, so was that an excuse to have the affair? No.

Cheaters will make every excuse to make light of their adultery.


*I would have her sign a legal contract stating, if she ever has an EA or PA again, she is immediately divorced and leave with only the clothes on her back and gets nothing. If she signs this quickly, she is wanting to make this work. If she doesn't or gets defensive, she isn't serious and divorce her!!!*


----------



## Mr Blunt

Flabergasted, If you are going to R:

York wife needs to pay the price for her horrible selfish betrayal. She needs to suffer so that she will never be a betrayer again. Pain avoidance is a very good deterrent.


You need to concentrate on your healing and building yourself up without being occupied with her. You are unsure of her motives, she needs to be tested!

Divorce is the first step in promoting the above.
Divorce does not mean that there is no chance of R
*If she really is remorseful then she should work on improving herself so that she can prove to you for years that she will never betray you again and that she really does love you*

You both are going to have to suffer for a while; no way out of it!
Put your seat belt on and hang in there!


----------



## Malaise

jim123 said:


> Most BS over analyze these things. *He was persistent because she was sending signals. He would have stopped if she shot him down. She just needed to get her courage up.
> 
> She was open to an affair and would have had one with someone at some point*.
> 
> Often the OM is not special in any way. It could have been anyone willing to put the work in.
> 
> You are doing the right things. I would also suggest that you look into moving on as well. You need to have value not only in the WS eyes but also for yourself.
> 
> If you end up back with your WS, make sure it is out of love and strength and not fear of being alone.


And, by her own admission, it would still be going on. With him , or someone else.

Also, has she never been bored before ? The whole of your marriage has always been exciting ? There's a chance that she may have done this before.


----------



## Graywolf2

flabergasted said:


> I am changing jobs. I set the ball in motion months ago to switch to a different company doing same job.


Will you have to move? If so, make sure your divorce allows it.



flabergasted said:


> I sat down yesterday with someone with the exact experience I have had. They chose to reconcile. Now they are stuck in a marriage and life that is a daily struggle. Never get over the hurt or anger.


Your hope that this was your WW’s one and only affair might be true. But could you handle finding out that there was another affair after years of R? I know you don’t want to feel like a fool by finding out now, but how big of a fool will you feel like after years of R.



Machiavelli said:


> And it was exciting enough to keep doing it. The thrill of putting it over on you was half the fun, although they will never admit it. Those circumstances made the sex even better. After she did it the first time, she was probably sure you would sense it, but you didn't. Big thrill for her, big downgrade of your status in her mind. It's a loop that feeds and amplifies itself each time.
> Tell her you're going to DNA the kids. And hurry up and file.


Don’t give your WW the satisfaction and excitement of getting away with other potential affairs. At least bluff about polygraph and DNA tests. It’s good to know if your WW is a serial cheater before you put all your emotions and efforts into R. 

It’s a great deal of work for the BS to constantly keep tabs on the WS. You’re like a father keeping his teenage daughter away from the bad boy down the street. She may turn out not be worth it.


----------



## CuddleBug

flabergasted said:


> OP here. Hanging tough guys. Been almost 2 weeks now. wife been out of house for one week. Extremely tough. So emotionally draining. I still believe I am headed straight for divorce. Have not filed yet though. She is living with her mom currently. to respond to previous post, yes, her actions and words say she is extremely remorseful, *but who really knows what she is sad about... sad about loosing her lifestyle, sad about being publicly shamed... sad about destroying her family and children,... who am I so say?
> 
> I sat down yesterday with someone with the exact experience I have had. They chose to reconcile. it has been about three years, and that person now wishes they had the strength and resolve that I have, and they had divorced when the ball was in motion. Now they are stuck in a marriage and life that is a daily struggle. Never get over the hurt or anger.
> *
> Please respond... Thanks



This sums it up pretty good. Get her to sign a legal contract saying if she ever has an EA or PA again, she leaves with literally nothing. If she signs it quick, she is sorry and reconcile. If she doesn't sign it or gets defensive, she isn't really sorry, will probably do it again and divorce her. This is a test.


----------



## The Middleman

Mr Blunt said:


> York wife needs to pay the price for her horrible selfish betrayal. She needs to suffer so that she will never be a betrayer again. Pain avoidance is a very good deterrent.


Quoted for truth.


----------



## manticore

flabergasted you have handled this admirably, as you say your marriage was ovvedr the moment she cheated, and to even begin to consider a new relationship with her must be under a whole new relationship.

there are other users here that share that same view, as "Emptyshelldad", that as you he was terribly hurting ans still in love with his wife and was conflicted for his kids, but he opted for the same path you are taking with good results:



Emptyshelldad said:


> Conflicted to a point over the babies. She and the rest of my family are masters at using them to guilt me. They tell me they can't believe I would "abandon" my family. They all believe she made a one time mistake and that may very well be true. But a mistaken with no consequences is one that is doomed to be repeated over and over.
> 
> Hell even mistakes with consequences are scarcely learned from. So this is all about the fact that she will realize that she lost us, and it's important to end the old us completely and we can both decide if we want to pursue the new us free from obligation. But I'm sure ill see if she really wants me when she sees how easily I can move on. It's an extension of the 180 I guess. But it's for me to find whether or not I want to stay with her, or if I'm just staying cause I'm comfortable or afraid to leave.


he is also dating other people, and he left clear to his Xwife that now she is the one who has to compete for his love and affection, as he was showering her with it during their marriage and she took it for granted and cheated.



Emptyshelldad said:


> So I'm telling her that her loyalty and trust account is severely over drawn so she can slowly build it back up by proving to me I'm her one and only forever....I don't have to be here waiting while she does that. In a few years if she has done as she professes she will do, then perhaps we can date again. But she will have to compete for my attention now. And I make great money and have every freedom of my schedule. So i plan on taking some of these young cute, sweet girls to the Caribbean and Hawaii and europe etc.
> But i still pay all of her bills cause she is the mother of my children and i still care for her deeply.


after divorce do you still pretend to exclusively date her? 

dating other persons can help to empower yourself and regain your self steem, many times BS are hurt to a subconscious level, where they feel devaluated, even when in fact the problem and devaluation is on the WS.


----------



## illwill

At least date other woman after the divorce. 

If she senses are divorcing her over principle (only to remarry), but not because you deserve better, it defeats the purpose.


----------



## flabergasted

illwill said:


> At least date other woman after the divorce.
> 
> If she senses are divorcing her over principle (only to remarry), but not because you deserve better, it defeats the purpose.


I will. My thoughts are same as the previous poster said about emptyshelldad. 

I know I deserve better. I am willing to consider that better may be with another person... but I am also willing to consider that there is a possibility that I could eventually be with my wife one day..... But for now... long days and longer nights.. me and my work and my children...


I have some really great guy friends... They have been super supportive. Everyone understands the incredible enormouty of this event, because it was an obvious fact that we were the chosen couple.. we would succeed where no one else did.


----------



## treyvion

manticore said:


> flabergasted you have handled this admirably, as you say your marriage was ovvedr the moment she cheated, and to even begin to consider a new relationship with her must be under a whole new relationship.
> 
> there are other users here that share that same view, as "Emptyshelldad", that as you he was terribly hurting ans still in love with his wife and was conflicted for his kids, but he opted for the same path you are taking with good results:
> 
> 
> 
> he is also dating other people, and he left clear to his Xwife that now she is the one who has to compete for his love and affection, as he was showering her with it during their marriage and she took it for granted and cheated.
> 
> 
> 
> after divorce do you still pretend to exclusively date her?
> 
> dating other persons can help to empower yourself and regain your self steem, many times BS are hurt to a subconscious level, where they feel devaluated, even when in fact the problem and devaluation is on the WS.


The devaluation is REAL. Being around the unrepentant WAS really rubs it in your face.


----------



## Machiavelli

aug said:


> A remarriage does not wipe out the fact that she cheated for a long time, that she had a lover while married. The real bottom line after a remarriage to the same person is that she still cheated on you. There's no denying that reality.
> 
> After a remarriage what really changed? She's still married to him. She still had cheated on him.


True, but the outcomes for the kids are so much better in an intact household, assuming no regular psychotic episodes are taking place. Kids are about the only circumstance I could see reconciliation making sense, anyway.


----------



## LongWalk

How are things with your in-laws? Do you feel much pressure to R from them?

Rookie, a poster who divorced his wife quickly, reconciled after two years but then gave up R. He had dated other women after splitting with WW. TheFlood blew his wife out of the water when he exposed her at work. He has slept with his ex but has not reconciled.

One of the hardest moments of reconcilation must be having sex again for the first time. Does is feel dirty and disappointing? Does having sex mean they got a Get Out of Jail card and landed on Free Parking just like that?


----------



## flabergasted

LongWalk said:


> How are things with your in-laws? Do you feel much pressure to R from them?
> 
> Rookie, a poster who divorced his wife quickly, reconciled after two years but then gave up R. He had dated other women after splitting with WW. TheFlood blew his wife out of the water when he exposed her at work. He has slept with his ex but has not reconciled.


interesting question about inlaws. her mother was betrayed by her cheating spouse when my wife was only 15. she really resented her father for years. would not talk to him. would not visit him. about a year later, I became the strong male figure in her life, not her father. 

She came clean with her mom. My mother in law is devastated. but yet alas she is still her mom. I told my wife she needed to call her mom and fess up, cause I was a toxic person to be around and she needed her moms support. she did as advised. I met with her mom alone and had bout an hour discussion. I know she understand my view, but must stand by her blood.


----------



## harrybrown

Is she really showing remorse by writing you a timeline, getting a job and trying to show you that you were her one and only?

She was selfish, thought she would never get caught, and I am trying to figure out if she was ever truly remorseful?

I guess by filing for the divorce as soon as possible, she may maybe wake up from her fog. 

I hope you find some happiness and get a divorce as soon as possible.


----------



## illwill

Date others for a few months, then if she is still fighting for you, remaining humble, and being a good co-parent, then perhaps make her part of your rotation.

But let her know it is not exclusive.

She has to prove she deserves a good man after her betrayal of you.


----------



## illwill

Oh, and before you date her, get the truth about other affairs.

I dont believe, for a second, this was the first time. She needs to convince you it was, before you put her in the rotation.


----------



## sidney2718

flabergasted said:


> she has told me why, but it is non sense. it was all the bs which comes out when first confronted. "We were stressed... I was weak... he was so persistent..."
> 
> ultimately what I believe happened was this. he made his intentions known... she told him no. she went home and thought about this and became excited. her life wasn't near as fun and thrilling as the illicit touch of another man. she decided that would be something fun, and persued it. thinking that she would never be discovered.


Ok, you and she are basically telling the same story. Both can be true simultaneously.


----------



## tom67

illwill said:


> Oh, and before you date her, get the truth about other affairs.
> 
> I dont believe, for a second, this was the first time. She needs to convince you it was, before you put her in the rotation.


As a matter of principal I would DNA the kids.


----------



## barbados

illwill said:


> Oh, and before you date her, get the truth about other affairs.
> 
> I dont believe, for a second, this was the first time. She needs to convince you it was, before you put her in the rotation.



I hate to admit it, but I agree, based on what Flab has told us about his WW, that this is most likely true.

I am really pulling for Flab. He has done everything right so far. He has been strong. 

We see so many weak BH's here, and he is clearly not one of them. 

I really hope you are wrong, Ilwill, because I really want the best for Flab.


----------



## tom67

barbados said:


> I hate to admit it, but I agree, based on what Flab has told us about his WW, that this is most likely true.
> 
> I am really pulling for Flab. He has done everything right so far. He has been strong.
> 
> We see so many weak BH's here, and he is clearly not one of them.
> 
> I really hope you are wrong, Ilwill, because I really want the best for Flab.


I think we can all agree with this.:lol:


----------



## sidney2718

treyvion said:


> It's how the affairs "put them OVER you". They look down at you after some time doing it.


Some may do this. But most don't even think in those terms. Those are terms that men might use to explain how they felt about the affair.

Men and women tend, in my opinion, to have affairs under different conditions. To oversimplify greatly, men do it for sex and understanding. Love, if it ever comes, comes later.

Women (and not being one, I'm on more shaky ground here) seem to need the equivalent of an emotional relationship first and if they find they can relate to the OM, things then progress. Sex is a bonus because for them it is an extension of the emotional relationship.

Gaining status may be in the thinking of some, but I doubt it is many.


----------



## sidney2718

flabergasted said:


> interesting question about inlaws. her mother was betrayed by her cheating spouse when my wife was only 15. she really resented her father for years. would not talk to him. would not visit him. about a year later, I became the strong male figure in her life, not her father.
> 
> She came clean with her mom. My mother in law is devastated. but yet alas she is still her mom. I told my wife she needed to call her mom and fess up, cause I was a toxic person to be around and she needed her moms support. she did as advised. I met with her mom alone and had bout an hour discussion. I know she understand my view, but must stand by her blood.


You are a good guy and I wish you all the luck in the world. You have got to be true to yourself. Another man might do things a bit differently, but that's not important here. What is important is that you work this out, one way or the other, with the least damage to you and your children, and for good measure, your stbxw as well. She will always be your children's mother and seeing her totally crushed will do them no good at all.


----------



## treyvion

sidney2718 said:


> Some may do this. But most don't even think in those terms. Those are terms that men might use to explain how they felt about the affair.
> 
> Men and women tend, in my opinion, to have affairs under different conditions. To oversimplify greatly, men do it for sex and understanding. Love, if it ever comes, comes later.
> 
> Women (and not being one, I'm on more shaky ground here) seem to need the equivalent of an emotional relationship first and if they find they can relate to the OM, things then progress. Sex is a bonus because for them it is an extension of the emotional relationship.
> 
> Gaining status may be in the thinking of some, but I doubt it is many.


The OM becomes the man over the repeated sexual and mental interactions, and he is deeper into her mind. The male who is being cheated is losing points and male status in her eyes, and every complaint, responsibility to him she can shirk because the real thing to her is the OM.

So yes, they end up putting themselves over you through their betrayal.

It's why so many of them feel you should be lucky when they say they want to "come back home" and we all know on TAM, that means nothing, because they usually are unrepentant and much harder to deal with afterwards.


----------



## illwill

sidney2718 said:


> Some may do this. But most don't even think in those terms. Those are terms that men might use to explain how they felt about the affair.
> 
> Men and women tend, in my opinion, to have affairs under different conditions. To oversimplify greatly, men do it for sex and understanding. Love, if it ever comes, comes later.
> 
> 
> Women (and not being one, I'm on more shaky ground here) seem to need the equivalent of an emotional relationship first and if they find they can relate to the OM, things then progress. Sex is a bonus because for them it is an extension of the emotional relationship.
> 
> Gaining status may be in the thinking of some, but I doubt it is many.


I disagree. All waywards put the betrayed as plan b, even if they do not know they are doing it.

What they think at the time is moot. The actions tell the story.


----------



## treyvion

illwill said:


> I disagree. All waywards put the betrayed as plan b, even if they do not know they are doing it.
> 
> What they think at the time is moot. The actions tell the story.


You might even be plan "D", because the c0ck carousel is her first choice. Ahh, the excitement and wonderland of single life.

Protected single life as a married, knowing you have that man back at home serving as safety net.


----------



## flabergasted

well.... 
met with the wifey today. Told her divorce was eminent. We need to start the difficult task of hammering out terms of the settlement. I hope we are able to agree to terms without getting ugly and without getting attys involved. 

She asked me to wait. Allow to think about it more. I have been very logical in my thoughts. this is the only way.


----------



## Clay2013

Was she upset? How did she respond? 

Clay


----------



## flabergasted

Clay2013 said:


> Was she upset? How did she respond?
> 
> Clay


yes. she is pretty upset. she is a little less emotional at this point. we are 2 weeks into this and everyone is worn slick. she pretty much new it was coming, but was still holding out hope. she is trying to line out a rental house. she is still at her moms currently. she spends time with our kids as the situation allows.


----------



## Malaise

flabergasted said:


> well....
> met with the wifey today. Told her divorce was eminent. We need to start the difficult task of hammering out terms of the settlement. I hope we are able to agree to terms without getting ugly and without getting attys involved.
> 
> *She asked me to wait. Allow to think about it more.* I have been very logical in my thoughts. this is the only way.


And yet she couldn't/wouldn't think about her actions and the consequences.

Only considered her own selfish gratification.


----------



## manticore

flabergasted said:


> yes. she is pretty upset. she is a little less emotional at this point. we are 2 weeks into this and everyone is worn slick. she pretty much new it was coming, but was still holding out hope. she is trying to line out a rental house. she is still at her moms currently. she spends time with our kids as the situation allows.


well, just let her know clearly that divorce is not the end but is necessary to know that if there is going to be a relationship again is purely for the desire to do it, not because there are other interests involved.


----------



## harrybrown

What did she think would happen?

She stabbed you in the back, ripped your heart out and threw it in the fire in little pieces.

What would she do if you had the affair?


----------



## Clay2013

flabergasted said:


> yes. she is pretty upset. she is a little less emotional at this point. we are 2 weeks into this and everyone is worn slick. she pretty much new it was coming, but was still holding out hope. she is trying to line out a rental house. she is still at her moms currently. she spends time with our kids as the situation allows.


I am really sorry you are going through this. I do think you are doing the right thing. It just amazes me how they always think that cheating was not that big of a deal and it not cause the relationship to end. I wished I would have had your conviction when my xW cheated on me the first time. I told myself I should leave. My friends said the same thing. I was so stupid. 

I hope at least things stay as calm as possible for you. 

Clay


----------



## hookares

Divorce is a great way to end a relationship. The toughest part isn't the monetary expense. The toughest part is finally reaching the point where you no longer care what may happen to the spouse who occupied all of your thoughts and efforts for over twenty years.
It takes some longer than others. In my case it took about, oh, about two weeks before I was forced to devote all of my worldly efforts in order to keep my head above water.
Had her two children actually been fathered by me, it would have been tougher.


----------



## 3putt

manticore said:


> well, just let her know clearly that divorce is not the end but is necessary to know that if there is going to be a relationship again is purely for the desire to do it, not because there are other interests involved.


Actually, manticore, I wouldn't do any of this. Even if they do get divorced, the efforts she puts into winning him back would be a pretty good metric of her true remorse and willingness to do what it takes to put the family she broke back together. 

Giving her a cracked door of hope of reconciliation after divorce can lead to some less than honest attempts by her to fix this for her benefit only.

I would just shut up and see what she does.


----------



## manticore

3putt said:


> Actually, manticore, I wouldn't do any of this. Even if they do get divorced, the efforts she puts into winning him back would be a pretty good metric of her true remorse and willingness to do what it takes to put the family she broke back together.
> 
> Giving her a cracked door of hope of reconciliation after divorce can lead to some less than honest attempts by her to fix this for her benefit only.
> 
> I would just shut up and see what she does.


Valid comment, I was thinking in the financial side taking in consideration that divorce is approaching, if she thinks that all hope for reconcilation is lost then may opt to lash financially against him in the divorce, in the other hand if she thinks that she still have a chance to win him back, then probably will be amicable in the terms of the divorce.

but your point make a lot of sense, I guess that the OP will have to analyze how to proceed here.


----------



## Mr Blunt

*Flabergasted
You have taken a step that will test her and give you some more clarity in time. Her character/integrity will be revealed in the coming months and years; she will either get better or worse.

In time you will have more clarity if she is remorseful for getting caught or truly remorseful for the act. The sever pains that she has caused you, herself, children and other family members are directly related to the betrayal act and I hope she makes that connection.

She now has the motivation (pain-consequences) to improve herself, including her self esteem, so that she can heal some of the damage that she has done to her children, you, herself, and others. In the future she will either become bitter or better. You have given her an opportunity to get better by making her accountable, suffer the consequences, and not making her out to be a devil woman to her children and others. It is very easy to jump on the condemnation and revenge wagon but you have not done that; that takes a strong person!


Flabbergasted, I know that you are in a lot of pain and am glad that you have support around you. You are a man that is strong and doing everything that you can to help your children and yourself. Surround yourself with people that have your best interest at heart and other that can help you.

It is possible that in the years to come that your family can come back together and have a good relationship. I do not doubt that you and your children will be close and bonded. I really hope that your wife does what it takes to get better; nobody wins when a parent betrays a family but healing can occur.. Flabbergasted, I think you have done a remarkable job so far!

May God be with you and your family?*


----------



## Chaparral

I think you should have asked for a polygraph. I find it hard to believe this is her first rodeo. It seems really odd that she picked who she picked to stsrt up with, plus she is a teacher, among the top three professions to commit infidelity.

The odds a man reconciles with a cheating wife is only about 15% so don't feel bad about that point. She made her bed for herself , you and her kids.


----------



## tom67

Chaparral said:


> I think you should have asked for a polygraph. I find it hard to believe this is her first rodeo. It seems really odd that she picked who she picked to stsrt up with, plus she is a teacher, among the top three professions to commit infidelity.
> 
> The odds a man reconciles with a cheating wife is only about 15% so don't feel bad about that point. She made her bed for herself , you and her kids.


Chap he is so far at 50,000 feet he doesn't care.
That is a good thing OP.


----------



## Chaparral

tom67 said:


> Chap he is so far at 50,000 feet he doesn't care.
> That is a good thing OP.


Breaking up a family is a hard thing to do. Knowing everything may help justify any decsion made. Right now, I think she did it out of boredom, then got addicted to the excitement.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

flabergasted said:


> I sat down yesterday with someone with the exact experience I have had. They chose to reconcile. it has been about three years, and that person now wishes they had the strength and resolve that I have, and they had divorced when the ball was in motion. Now they are stuck in a marriage and life that is a daily struggle. Never get over the hurt or anger.
> 
> Please respond... Thanks


The most I know from divorced people where I live is that they would have wanted to work on the marriage if they had known what enormous pain and strugling for years the divorce would cause. 

There can be nasty or troublesome relations for all your life because of the kids, you never will be completely free.

Some have a 'good' divorce, but not many.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

flabergasted said:


> well....
> met with the wifey today. Told her divorce was eminent. We need to start the difficult task of hammering out terms of the settlement. I hope we are able to agree to terms without getting ugly and without getting attys involved.
> 
> She asked me to wait. Allow to think about it more. I have been very logical in my thoughts. this is the only way.


You are indeed logical. But logic is a strange thing, it is an array of mental construction _in your own mind_.

Your logic is not the same as some one else's, or necessarily conforming to reality.

I would advise because of having kids to have some time to let the situation calm down. Talk, ask, think.

They al least deserve that. Your part in the situation that led to her fault is not their fault, but yours.


----------



## Aloner

See_Listen_Love said:


> You are indeed logical. But logic is a strange thing, it is an array of mental construction _in your own mind_.
> 
> Your logic is not the same as some one else's, or necessarily conforming to reality.
> 
> I would advise because of having kids to have some time to let the situation calm down. Talk, ask, think.
> 
> They al least deserve that. Your part in the situation that led to her fault is not their fault, but yours.


Echoing this. OP's kids are high school age. They need to be focused on schoolwork and preparing for college above all. A bad divorce is a huge distraction. You don't owe anything to her, but make sure you do the right thing for them.


----------



## flabergasted

See_Listen_Love said:


> You are indeed logical. But logic is a strange thing, it is an array of mental construction _in your own mind_.
> 
> Your logic is not the same as some one else's, or necessarily conforming to reality.
> 
> I would advise because of having kids to have some time to let the situation calm down. Talk, ask, think.
> 
> They al least deserve that. *Your part in the situation that led to her fault is not their fault, but yours*.


my part in the situation was that I worked my butt off providing a wonderful life to my wife and family. I bear no share in the blame here. I will not accept it. Time will not change that. 

she made a conscious decision to cheat. that is what happened. the fact that she made that decision is not my fault.


----------



## flabergasted

Chaparral said:


> Breaking up a family is a hard thing to do. Knowing everything may help justify any decsion made. Right now, *I think she did it out of boredom, then got addicted to the excitement*.


exactly


----------



## Graywolf2

flabergasted said:


> my part in the situation was that I worked my butt off providing a wonderful life to my wife and family. I bear no share in the blame here.


:iagree:

What drives me crazy is with the wife accepts the lifestyle that her husband’s long hours provide then complains that he is never around. She then blames his lack of attention for the affair and wants big alimony so that she can maintain her lifestyle.


----------



## Clay2013

Graywolf2 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> What drives me crazy is with the wife accepts the lifestyle that her husband’s long hours provide then complains that he is never around. She then blames his lack of attention for the affair and wants big alimony so that she can maintain her lifestyle.


There is so much truth to that. My xW and her mom both blamed me for my xW's affair. Its because I worked the long hours. What her mom failed to realize her daughter had not issues with spending all the money I was making. 

I think flabergasted is doing the right thing. She made the choice to do something she knew would possibly end the marriage. He is clearly a better man than me. I tried to R over years with my xW and she never learned her lesson. She only did it again and again. I should have been stronger and just booted her out the first time. 

Clay


----------



## CASE_Sensitive

Just wondering if OMW has reached out to you for any follow up? Hopefully POSOM has had his world turned upside down as well.


----------



## flabergasted

CASE_Sensitive said:


> Just wondering if OMW has reached out to you for any follow up? Hopefully POSOM has had his world turned upside down as well.


she asked me yesterday, almost two weeks after I originally contacted her, to provide her copies of the messages I had. 


so I did...

she has not confronted him yet. I don't believe if she does, that she would actually be able to leave him.


----------



## tom67

flabergasted said:


> she asked me yesterday, almost two weeks after I originally contacted her, to provide her copies of the messages I had.
> 
> 
> so I did...
> 
> she has not confronted him yet. I don't believe if she does, that she would actually be able to leave him.


That is sad but you did the right thing.


----------



## manticore

flabergasted said:


> she asked me yesterday, almost two weeks after I originally contacted her, to provide her copies of the messages I had.
> 
> 
> so I did...
> 
> she has not confronted him yet. I don't believe if she does, that she would actually be able to leave him.


I was thinking in telling you that you can advice her to come here, but who knows how that will work for you, maybe you will feel that is kind of confict of interests.

BTW: you should ask her if he have had affairs in the pasts, if it result that he have been the perfect husband and this is his first rodeo then you can suspect that your wife maybe was more proactive in the affair of what you think, in the other hand if she said yes then maybe he really worked your wife for sometime before what happened.

(whataver the answer remember that still is 100% her resposability the fact that she involved himself in the affair)


----------



## See_Listen_Love

flabergasted said:


> my part in the situation was that I worked my butt off providing a wonderful life to my wife and family. I bear no share in the blame here. I will not accept it. Time will not change that.
> 
> she made a conscious decision to cheat. that is what happened. the fact that she made that decision is not my fault.


The affair is her fault 100%.

Problems in the relation, like lack of intimacy, lack of boundaries, lack of spending time together, lack of really communicating, lack of whatever is needed for a healthy marriage is a responsibility of both the partners.

The 'wealth providing' argument has very little to do with it.


----------



## Granny7

sidney2718 said:


> Some may do this. But most don't even think in those terms. Those are terms that men might use to explain how they felt about the affair.
> 
> Men and women tend, in my opinion, to have affairs under different conditions. To oversimplify greatly, men do it for sex and understanding. Love, if it ever comes, comes later.
> 
> Women (and not being one, I'm on more shaky ground here) seem to need the equivalent of an emotional relationship first and if they find they can relate to the OM, things then progress. Sex is a bonus because for them it is an extension of the emotional relationship.
> 
> Gaining status may be in the thinking of some, but I doubt it is many.


Sidney2718,
You've made some good valid points on what Men & Women look for when they cheat. My CH loved the new attention and ego boost from a new and younger woman who came on to him at a ****tail party, business! He was 40 and we had been married 23 yrs. and I felt that we had a very loving marriage, even though he had his control issues and drank to much sometimes. She was in it for the fun, emotional sharing with him and I fully believe that it was a huge status thing for him. Her being the secretary and him the Executive. I'm sure she was proud to share it with her friends and to be seen with him at the business functions, discreetly of course. Then they went off together for a couple weekends after 8 months of ****tails, dancing and fun. To me, a woman who is out drinking and dancing, while her two little girls are left at home with their Dad or whomever, doesn't speak very highly of her character or lack of one. You would have thought my CH would have seen this, but he was to busy enjoying her flirting with him.
Granny7


----------



## Granny7

tom67 said:


> That is sad but you did the right thing.


Tom67,
I know it's sad, but he did the right thing. I only wish that I had known sooner and I actually did get a letter in the mail after they had been seeing each other for 8 months. I couldn't believe it when I got it telling me my H was having an A with his wife. I called my CH and was all upset as I couldn't reach him all day, thought it was because he was at a conference and was in meetings. He was actually with the OW for their first weekend together. He even offered to come home and comfort me as I was crying on the phone as I trusted him so much and couldn't believe this letter. Big mistake, I should have gotten in touch with the OWH right then and ask him what he meant, but trusting me believed my CH. He came home the next day, I gave him a big hug and told him how happy I was that the letter wasn't true and I knew he wouldn't do anything like that to me. Can you believe that he was able to look me in the face and not give his lying away? So, I should have headed the warning and I didn't, so it went on for over 2 1/2 more years. I so wish I had acted on it, so the BS does need to know, why let her be made a fool of any more. The CS doesn't deserve her, so I'm glad he told her. I hope she believes him.
Granny7


----------



## flabergasted

still very painful. we are moving forward with divorce. we have been negotiating a settlement. I am being fair, but not overly generous in light of the circumstances. nothing final on that front yet.

yesterday, she signed a lease on a house couple miles from here. that way she can be close to kids. of course I am footing the bill for that. no other way. 

I honestly believe she is very regretful. Especially now as this whole thing has gone down. She has lost everything that was important to her in life. been publicly shamed. 

I'm just not the type of guy who will be able to get past this monumental betrayal without divorcing her...


----------



## Malaise

Is she regretful because she was caught and the subsequent disaster for her?

Or because she hurt you?


----------



## Acabado

Malaise said:


> Is she regretful because she was caught and the subsequent disaster for her?
> 
> Or because she hurt you?


Must it be one thing or the other necessarily?


----------



## flabergasted

Malaise said:


> Is she regretful because she was caught and the subsequent disaster for her?
> 
> Or because she hurt you?


I believe it to be both. she has expressed to me on multiple occasions how sorry she was for the tremendous amount of pain she has caused me.

I just cant understand her incredible lack of judgment. she knew exactly what she was risking.


----------



## Malaise

flabergasted said:


> I believe it to be both. she has expressed to me on multiple occasions how sorry she was for the tremendous amount of pain she has caused me.
> 
> I just cant understand her incredible lack of judgment. she knew exactly what she was risking.


Like so many she only expresses sorrow for your pain after she is found out, not during the affair. Then, your pain meant nothing, if she even thought of you at all. And, if she did, how much worse does that make it?

She knew what she was doing and what she could lose. And she kept doing it, even after she said she could have stopped.


----------



## doubletrouble

Often the WS doesn't think a lot about what the "afterwards" will be like. Once the excitement of an affair wears off and life becomes real again, a slow dawning of recognition of their folly starts to appear. It's like an addiction. Once the addiction ends, life comes back into focus and the WS starts to see things differently again. 

Affairs are an escape from reality, much like drugs can be. Nobody is going to express sorrow _during _the affair. 

True remorse for the affair can be a combination of things. My WS once told me not a day goes by that she doesn't think about OMW's pain. Pain my fWW put in that woman, who never did anything to her. So this is someone who has seen the reality afterwards. She has also, of course, seen the pain I suffered, and has remorse for that. 

Does that fix everything for the BS? No. But without it you can't move forward in the relationship. The lapse of judgement is hard to understand. But snapping back into reality is a good sign. Take it for what it's worth. It's the building block of a possible R.


----------



## WyshIknew

doubletrouble said:


> Often the WS doesn't think a lot about what the "afterwards" will be like. Once the excitement of an affair wears off and life becomes real again, a slow dawning of recognition of their folly starts to appear. It's like an addiction. Once the addiction ends, life comes back into focus and the WS starts to see things differently again.
> 
> Affairs are an escape from reality, much like drugs can be. Nobody is going to express sorrow _during _the affair.
> 
> True remorse for the affair can be a combination of things. My WS once told me not a day goes by that she doesn't think about OMW's pain. Pain my fWW put in that woman, who never did anything to her. So this is someone who has seen the reality afterwards. She has also, of course, seen the pain I suffered, and has remorse for that.
> 
> Does that fix everything for the BS? No. But without it you can't move forward in the relationship. The lapse of judgement is hard to understand. But snapping back into reality is a good sign. Take it for what it's worth. It's the building block of a possible R.


This quote from another poster. The name hidden as although it was obviously a screen name it is from the private section.

It is a WW's description of her confession and her BS's reaction.




made up name; said:


> This is a trick question right ?
> 
> I think the honest answer would be I don't know.
> 
> On one hand I'm relieved that the truth, all of it, came out in one shot. I think people really expect to look into their partner's eyes and see understanding being reflected back when they confess. But what you predominantly see, masking the emotions like anger and shock, is confusion. That's when you want to crawl into some hole and die. Once the truth starts coming out, its so tempting to minimise and omit facts because we really do expect, on a subconscious level, for the BS to have a light bulb moment of clarity and say "Oh, I understand why you did it". So, in a way I'm glad everything came out without me having to feed him little tidbits of truth and a bunch of lies.


----------



## treyvion

Malaise said:


> Is she regretful because she was caught and the subsequent disaster for her?
> 
> Or because she hurt you?


I think she's regretful for both. She could not have realized how much she hurt him until she was crushed. Then she gets to reflect upon it.


----------



## happyman64

She is remorseful for both as well as regretful for banging a retired cop, 20 years her senior who is also married I believe.

SO you get to pay for her new home.

Now as you both negotiate the D process tell her to freshen up her resume so she can support herself to the lifestyle she is accustomed to.


----------



## treyvion

happyman64 said:


> She is remorseful for both as well as regretful for banging a retired cop, 20 years her senior who is also married I believe.
> 
> SO you get to pay for her new home.
> 
> Now as you both negotiate the D process tell her to freshen up her resume so she can support herself to the lifestyle she is accustomed to.


They don't understand when they are cheating with cops, gangsters, feds, etc - they are literally putting your life on the line. These guys DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU and will get into your business.


----------



## happyman64

I agree Treyvion.

But as a man I still wonder what she got from this infidelity when you look at the affair partner.

Because if my wife ever cheated on me with some old dirt bag I would make sure she ended up with him so her life could be truly miserable.

Because as a man I would be scratching my head forever to try to make any sense of this like the OP is trying to do.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> *By Flabergasted*
> I'm just not the type of guy who will be able to get past this monumental betrayal without divorcing her...


Do not apologize to anyone for that. You all will suffer but you allowing the consequences to be acutely felt and experienced could help her to improve and able to help your children more.






> *By Flabergasted*
> I just cant understand her incredible lack of judgment. she knew exactly what she was risking.



*She was weak, selfish, and failed to keep her morality and integrity strong before her lack of judgment*. 


Her pain and shame (consequences) can be used by her to improve those negative factors. You divorcing her and having her move out can wind up being a help to her if she makes the right choices. She is lucky that you do not have hateful revenge but have handled this crisis very well so far.


----------



## Graywolf2

flabergasted said:


> I honestly believe she is very regretful. Especially now as this whole thing has gone down. She has lost everything that was important to her in life. been publicly shamed.


I would almost feel sorry for the WW if it was just a single spur of the moment thing after the kiss. That and she confessed right away to her husband. 

Do you know what’s going on with the OM?


----------



## bandit.45

flabergasted said:


> I believe it to be both. she has expressed to me on multiple occasions how sorry she was for the tremendous amount of pain she has caused me.
> 
> I just cant understand her incredible lack of judgment. she knew exactly what she was risking.


She gambled and lost. She made a foolish choice. 

She's sorry. She feels guilty. But has she internalized it and really apologized deeply to you for causing you so much pain?

You might want to tell her that a year or so after the divorce is final, if she goes to independent counseling and finds out the reasons why she fvcked her life up and tore her family apart, and starts owning the responsibility for it; and after time has healed your anger and your honor has been restored, that maybe if she gives you the answers you need, that you might consider dating her again. 

Maybe one day the two of you can just be boyfriend/girlfriend, sleep with heach other one or two nights a week and have fun, and just leave it at that. 

There is a couple who I have known since childhood who did exactly that after their kids grew up and moved out. He lives in the country and she lives in town. They are legally separated but not divorced. They live alone during the week and get together on the weekends for fun and sex. It has worked out very well for them for the last ten years or so.


----------



## flabergasted

bandit.45 said:


> She gambled and lost. She made a foolish choice.
> 
> She's sorry. She feels guilty. But has she internalized it and really apologized deeply to you for causing you so much pain?
> 
> You might want to tell her that a year or so after the divorce is final, if she goes to independent counseling and finds out the reasons why she fvcked her life up and tore her family apart, and starts owning the responsibility for it; and after time has healed your anger and your honor has been restored, that maybe if she gives you the answers you need, that you might consider dating her again.
> 
> Maybe one day the two of you can just be boyfriend/girlfriend, sleep with heach other one or two nights a week and have fun, and just leave it at that.
> 
> There is a couple who I have known since childhood who did exactly that after their kids grew up and moved out. He lives in the country and she lives in town. They are legally separated but not divorced. They live alone during the week and get together on the weekends for fun and sex. It has worked out very well for them for the last ten years or so.


that will not work for me. I will look elsewhere and I am sure she will too. I will not do that in the confines of a marriage. Sham or not. We may get back together someday... Maybe... maybe just for fun, or maybe for serious. but I owe it to myself to explore the fact that maybe she is not the best woman for me. despite the fact that she is the love of my life with 27 years of history and the mother of my children. I am still young enough to rediscover the new love of my life. I need to take care of ME. haven't done that for a long long while.


----------



## flabergasted

Graywolf2 said:


> I would almost feel sorry for the WW if it was just a single spur of the moment thing after the kiss. That and she confessed right away to her husband.
> 
> Do you know what’s going on with the OM?


spoke with other guys wife today. this is more than 2 weeks after I let her know about affair. she still has not confronted him. she feels like I am influencing her to confront him. Damn right I am. 

she told me she is reluctant to confront him at this point cause things are going well. he has been real nice to her the last couple weeks. NO ****. of course he has. what a dumbass.


----------



## tom67

flabergasted said:


> spoke with other guys wife today. this is more than 2 weeks after I let her know about affair. she still has not confronted him. she feels like I am influencing her to confront him. Damn right I am.
> 
> she told me she is reluctant to confront him at this point cause things are going well. he has been real nice to her the last couple weeks. NO ****. of course he has. what a dumbass.


:banghead::slap::slap:


----------



## flabergasted

wife is moving into rental house next Wednesday. she is going to lake house to get furniture to furnish rental. We are working on the terms of divorce and can hopefully reach agreement with out attorneys.


Yes we have a lake house. We had it great. She had it great...
Stay at home mom, driving the infiniti sports car... drinking margaritas by pool, lake house on weekends, new house in city, fvuking a POS cop on the side.


What a colossal mistake she made.


----------



## soccermom2three

Have you asked her if she feels any guilt about what she's done to the OM's wife? What is her attitude about that?

Does she know that you exposed to the OM's wife?


----------



## flabergasted

soccermom2three said:


> Have you asked her if she feels any guilt about what she's done to the OM's wife? What her attitude about that?
> 
> Does she know that you exposed to the OM's wife?


she knows I communicate with OM wife. She was in the room when I told OM wife, "this happened. no denying it. I am sure my wife can describe he inside of your house to you if you have any doubt."

I don't think my wife has thought much about OM wife. she is consumed with the tragedy in our own life, as I am...


----------



## tom67

flabergasted said:


> she knows I communicate with OM wife. She was in the room when I told OM wife, "this happened. no denying it. I am sure my wife can describe he inside of your house to you if you have any doubt."
> 
> I don't think my wife has thought much about OM wife. she is consumed with the tragedy in our own life, as I am...


Well should have thought about that before.


----------



## Malaise

flabergasted said:


> she knows I communicate with OM wife. She was in the room when I told OM wife, "this happened. no denying it. I am sure my wife can describe he inside of your house to you if you have any doubt."
> 
> *I don't think my wife has thought much about OM wife. she is consumed with the tragedy in our own life*, as I am...


Describing how well she had it, she is consumed with the tragedy in her own life

may be more like it.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> I need to take care of ME. haven't done that for a long long while.


*Right on brother!!!*


----------



## Chaparral

Tell her we hope she doesn't have to settle for anything as awful as she settled for in an affair partner for the rest of her life.

How are your kids dealing with what she has done?


----------



## barbados

flabergasted said:


> spoke with other guys wife today. this is more than 2 weeks after I let her know about affair. she still has not confronted him. she feels like I am influencing her to confront him. Damn right I am.
> 
> she told me she is reluctant to confront him at this point cause things are going well. he has been real nice to her the last couple weeks. NO ****. of course he has. what a dumbass.


You said the POSOM was 20 years older, so he's in his 60's ? If so, can i assume his BW is also in her 60's ?

If this is correct, could explain a lot her reluctance to confront. She may simply not want to rock the point at this point in her life.


----------



## barbados

flabergasted said:


> wife is moving into rental house next Wednesday. she is going to lake house to get furniture to furnish rental. We are working on the terms of divorce and can hopefully reach agreement with out attorneys.
> 
> 
> Yes we have a lake house. We had it great. She had it great...
> Stay at home mom, driving the infiniti sports car... drinking margaritas by pool, lake house on weekends, new house in city, fvuking a POS cop on the side.
> 
> 
> What a colossal mistake she made.


A completely entitled person. 

You deserve better and there are better women out there for you.


----------



## DarkHoly

treyvion said:


> They don't understand when they are cheating with cops, gangsters, feds, etc - they are literally putting your life on the line. These guys DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU and will get into your business.


Women want the bad boys. The strong, stern, don't-give-a-**** kind who can protect and destroy them. They're attracted to physical power and social ferocity because they're wired to. That's why nice men will always get cucked by *******s.


----------



## Graywolf2

flabergasted said:


> spoke with other guys wife today. this is more than 2 weeks after I let her know about affair. she still has not confronted him. she feels like I am influencing her to confront him. Damn right I am.
> 
> she told me she is reluctant to confront him at this point cause things are going well. he has been real nice to her the last couple weeks. NO ****. of course he has. what a dumbass.


Is the OM still in the same social group at the gym?


----------



## flabergasted

Graywolf2 said:


> Is the OM still in the same social group at the gym?


OM has not been back to gym. I don't think he is going to go back.

I agree with poster saying he doesn't think OM wife wants to rock to boat at the point in her life. She is probably 60 years old and close to retirement. She will not be able to hit the reset button as easily as I will (not that this is easy)


----------



## Malaise

Telling her was the right and honorable thing to do. She has to do what she needs to do.


----------



## treyvion

treyvion said:


> They don't understand when they are cheating with cops, gangsters, feds, etc - they are literally putting your life on the line. These guys DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU and will get into your business.


I knew a group of "professional" OM's. Back when I was on the cheaters side, some of their stuff did sound despicable, and I didn't realize it was a natural progression for someone growing within the OM path.

These guys would use tactics similar to the VAR's used to catch cheating spouses, and would end up blackmailing the husband and/or trying to rob them. Also since they are walking on the wild side, on the other side of the tracks, life is an adrenaline rush. To fill their lust banks it would not be strange to consider performing violent actions agains the husband, and sometimes they would even entrap the wife so she could not leave.

It really is fire your playing with. I really have a problem with a spouse putting my life ON THE LINE, and potentially making me a target for someone who DOES NOT CARE ABOUT MY LIFE. It's a dangerous dangerous thing and that's why the recovery does need to be someone Clint Eastwood like. It has to be harsh and it has to be quick.


----------



## treyvion

treyvion said:


> I knew a group of "professional" OM's. Back when I was on the cheaters side, some of their stuff did sound despicable, and I didn't realize it was a natural progression for someone growing within the OM path.
> 
> These guys would use tactics similar to the VAR's used to catch cheating spouses, and would end up blackmailing the husband and/or trying to rob them. Also since they are walking on the wild side, on the other side of the tracks, life is an adrenaline rush. To fill their lust banks it would not be strange to consider performing violent actions agains the husband, and sometimes they would even entrap the wife so she could not leave.
> 
> It really is fire your playing with. I really have a problem with a spouse putting my life ON THE LINE, and potentially making me a target for someone who DOES NOT CARE ABOUT MY LIFE. It's a dangerous dangerous thing and that's why the recovery does need to be someone Clint Eastwood like. It has to be harsh and it has to be quick.


Sometimes these OM groups are "people in the system". Sometimes it's their job to penetrate your family. Other times, just sick hobby.


----------



## barbados

flabergasted said:


> OM has not been back to gym. I don't think he is going to go back.
> 
> I agree with poster saying he doesn't think OM wife wants to rock to boat at the point in her life. She is probably 60 years old and close to retirement. She will not be able to hit the reset button as easily as I will (not that this is easy)


And I'd be willing to bet this isn't her first time dealing with him cheating on her.


----------



## JCD

flabergasted said:


> OP here. Hanging tough guys. Been almost 2 weeks now. wife been out of house for one week. Extremely tough. So emotionally draining. I still believe I am headed straight for divorce. Have not filed yet though. She is living with her mom currently. to respond to previous post, yes, her actions and words say she is extremely remorseful, but who really knows what she is sad about... sad about loosing her lifestyle, sad about being publicly shamed... sad about destroying her family and children,... who am I so say?
> 
> I sat down yesterday with someone with the exact experience I have had. They chose to reconcile. it has been about three years, and that person now wishes they had the strength and resolve that I have, and they had divorced when the ball was in motion. Now they are stuck in a marriage and life that is a daily struggle. Never get over the hurt or anger.
> 
> Please respond... Thanks



I would be careful about taking this too much to heart.

A) You Reconcile. You then feel for the rest of your life that you let her get something over on you. It aches for a LONG LONG time. So people regret reconciling.

B) You Divorce. Except for the most egregious behavior, you look back and see all the pain and devastation that the divorce creates in the lives of you and your children. So, late at night, when you are feeling in a sad mood, you wonder 'did I do the right thing? Was my heart so unyielding that it could not get over A mistake in 22 YEARS of marriage'.

I am not attempting to elicit doubts in your mind. I am saying that no matter which way you go (and both are moral choices) you will find some room to regret it. Your friend chose differently and regrets it...but I can't help but think that another friend who chose divorce might say the exact same thing.


----------



## happyman64

flabergasted said:


> I honestly think if this were* MOMENTARILY *situation, I would be able to overlook. This took place systematically for half a year.


That is why I will repeat this.

The problem is not you, nor the marriage.

The problem is within your wife.

What caused her to be so selfish.
What made her cheat, lie?
What made her choose OM, retired, twenty years older than her, married. There is no future.
What made a wife so selfish to put herself above her husband?
What made a mother so selfish to endanger her childrens future?
What made a woman so selfish as to not think of her own well being, health and self esteem?

Many people have reconciled with their wayward partners for affairs that were much longer Flabber.

There is no shame in that if your wife is truly remorseful and you can still love her.

But until she figures out why there is no solid foundation for any decision.

The choice is always yours.

Patience.

HM


----------



## JCD

flabergasted said:


> I honestly think if this were* MOMENTARILY *situation, I would be able to overlook. This took place systematically for half a year.


She was thoughtless and selfish. There is no denying that. She CHOSE to do this too.

I am instead addressing Malaise's contention that she has no feelings for you, instead is ONLY weepy about her lost reputation and meal ticket. Is that the sense _you _get? Malaise is monochrome: people are good or bad.

I am a bit more complex. Good people do bad things sometimes. When they constantly do lots of bad things, then they are bad people. That isn't the sense I get about your wife.


----------



## Graywolf2

A day of posts disappeared from this thread. from 7:36 until now


----------



## flabergasted

Graywolf2 said:


> A day of posts disappeared from this thread. from 7:36 until now


hmm 
that's odd.


----------



## manticore

some times moderators delete post if they are offensives or are just going out of the topic, but normally they also put a message clarifying the the action


----------



## 10th Engineer Harrison

I hope it wasn't anything I said?

best,
-ol' 2long


----------



## Granny7

2long said:


> I hope it wasn't anything I said?
> 
> best,
> -ol' 2long


2long,
I just hope he's okay. That's scary to have a lot of posts disappear. Do we know if they were written by him?
Granny7


----------



## Graywolf2

Granny7 said:


> That's scary to have a lot of posts disappear. Do we know if they were written by him?
> Granny7


There was a heated argument between two people. I wasn't one of them.

Here is what I posted:

You really can’t tell how good or bad a person or a marriage is until they are stressed.

If a person gets everything they want and all the traffic signals turn green as they approach, you can’t tell much about them. 

In this case the stressors were boredom and a single kiss from a married man. He was twenty years older than the WW and offered her no better life for her and her kids. She had time to think about it and chose to risk everything for a continuing f**k buddy.

She flunked the most trifling stress test I can think of.



Also, one of the two posters basically said that the past is the past and asked how WW's therapy was going.

I posted:

“Other than that Mrs. Lincoln how was the play?”


----------



## harrybrown

OP-

any update? How are you?


----------



## treyvion

:sleeping:


Graywolf2 said:


> There was a heated argument between two people. I wasn't one of them.
> 
> Here is what I posted:
> 
> You really can’t tell how good or bad a person or a marriage is until they are stressed.
> 
> If a person gets everything they want and all the traffic signals turn green as they approach, you can’t tell much about them.
> 
> In this case the stressors were boredom and a single kiss from a married man. He was twenty years older than the WW and offered her no better life for her and her kids. She had time to think about it and chose to risk everything for a continuing f**k buddy.
> 
> She flunked the most trifling stress test I can think of.
> 
> 
> 
> Also, one of the two posters basically said that the past is the past and asked how WW's therapy was going.
> 
> I posted:
> 
> “Other than that Mrs. Lincoln how was the play?”


I think he is allowed to be upsect and feel betrayed. The guy was told she was not a virgin because she had been raped.

It turns out that others have been harboring a knowledge and a secret of a highly extensive and freak sex life.

They were able to dump it on him unaware. The husband looks like a fool cause he was lied to all this time.

So there is some working through it.

If she had been a good wife the entire time and the lie was told to "impress" him, she needs to explain it.


----------



## GusPolinski

treyvion said:


> :sleeping:
> 
> I think he is allowed to be upsect and feel betrayed. The guy was told she was not a virgin because she had been raped.
> 
> It turns out that others have been harboring a knowledge and a secret of a highly extensive and freak sex life.
> 
> They were able to dump it on him unaware. The husband looks like a fool cause he was lied to all this time.
> 
> So there is some working through it.
> 
> If she had been a good wife the entire time and the lie was told to "impress" him, she needs to explain it.


I think you're posting in the wrong thread...


----------



## flabergasted

well guys... Im back. still having a hard time dealing with anger. 

How could she do this. unbelievable. 

Divorce in works. She has place of her own now. 

I really feel like seeking comfort in all the wrong places right now...


----------



## flabergasted

How long am I going to be this angry?????????


----------



## happyman64

flabergasted said:


> How long am I going to be this angry?????????


The anger will subside in time.

And as far as looking for "comfort" in all the wrong places I urge you to take pause and look within you.

To calm your emotions.

A dear friend of mine went through exactly what you are going through. He sought comfort. And one his ONS's has produced an unplanned child with a long term friendly.

Can you say awkward......

So please be cautious. Your feelings are quite normal Flabber.

Did you force your wife out?

Is the OM moving in?

How are the kids doing?

HM


----------



## flabergasted

I asked my wife to leave and she did as I asked.

OM is not in picture that I am aware. No real relationship between them, she just decided to throw away our entire world for a f**k buddy

Kids are hurt and struggling like I am and she is. Tough all around.


----------



## happyman64

I am glad you recognize everyone is hurt all around.

The situation sucks and her poor decisions have affected everyone.

Patience.

The anger and other emotions can really affect your decision making processes.

Have you found someone to talk with? Other than your wife or kids?

Has your wife been truly remorseful?

HM


----------



## harrybrown

How long will the divorce take? 

Is she being reasonable in the divorce? I hope she has a job now.

I was very angry for quite some time. It is less now, but it has been 3 years. However, something will come up and the anger is back. Exercise helps me.

I would not go to her old gym, but hopefully there is another one around. It helps me to get the anger out in a positive way. (not on someone else, but a punching bag.) 

I do hope you get some help and some happiness. I would when you are ready, date others. Your wife is selfish. Is she doing anything to help you with the pain? 

Remember that the 180 is your friend now. Where possible, have as little contact with your wife as you can. 

Sorry that your family was torn apart by her selfishness.


----------



## Chaparral

Is your wife trying to get you to let her come home. Do you believe she is remorseful?


----------



## ConanHub

harrybrown said:


> How long will the divorce take?
> 
> Is she being reasonable in the divorce? I hope she has a job now.
> 
> I was very angry for quite some time. It is less now, but it has been 3 years. However, something will come up and the anger is back. Exercise helps me.
> 
> I would not go to her old gym, but hopefully there is another one around. It helps me to get the anger out in a positive way. (not on someone else, but a punching bag.)
> 
> I do hope you get some help and some happiness. I would when you are ready, date others. Your wife is selfish. Is she doing anything to help you with the pain?
> 
> Remember that the 180 is your friend now. Where possible, have as little contact with your wife as you can.
> 
> Sorry that your family was torn apart by her selfishness.


Ditto.

Hang in there man. You just got lured into a dark alley by the one you devoted your life to and gang raped emotionally.

Your going to hurt and be angry about the attack for probably the rest of your life, but the pain and anger can be reduced with time and care.

So give yourself time to heal and take care of yourself so you can heal.

Finding some safe, stable people, who know what is going on and care about your well being, would be very helpful. Definitely avoid toxic and unhelpful folks.

It's gonna take a while for your heart to stop bleeding from that stab wound she gave you.
Take care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

Here is a link about dealing with the anger after an affair. 

Cheated On: 3 Ways to Erase Post-Affair Anger « MarriageSherpa

If it helps at all I would appreciate any feedback. Good luck

Is reconciliation totally off the table? If not let us know, there are right and wrong ways to reconcile and we may be able to help with that.

In any event, everyone involved would be helped with good IC. In your case, PTSD counseling with some one experienced with PTSD and infidelity is a GOD send.


----------



## weightlifter

OP. Since you did not need intel or logistics help, you are probably unaware of me.

I would like to ask some questions. The vast majority are purely logistical. It allows me to see patterns of affairs and advise accordingly when intel/ logistics is needed so I can see the most probable situations/ outcomes.

Let me push ONE thing. Cheaterville.com for the OM. Its NOT for revenge tho revenge is mucho fun. It serves as a warning. A warning to other husbands whose wives are in contact with this animal. If a man is getting some red flags from his wife, perhaps it is "only" at the EA stage or perhaps the persistent stage you posted about. He may suspect this guy, google his name, cheaterville comes up. He sees the danger. It may literally save a man from having to deal with your pain and ONLY YOU can make this happen. You will never know his name but know he is likely out there as we speak. Barney Fife is chatting up some other mans wife...

Question set. (Answer as best you can. Dont spend a week on this)
Date first innocent meeting?
Date First inappropriate talk?
Date outright dirty talk?
Date first non piv sex? (oral / handjob)
Date first sex? (PIV) 
Condoms used (Y/N)
Approx number of hookups?
Hookup locations?
Nude pictures from him? (Y/N)
Nude pictures of her sent? (Y/N) If Yes did they leak out to internet? Approx quantity? Approx date nude pics of HER started?
Did she give him sex acts she denied you (Y/N) no details needed.

Your mention of persistence adds one question.

Was this his methodology.
Become friend > soft boundary pushing (Flirty) > hard boundary pushing (dirty) > sexting/ pics > sex.

(The above is player 101) Google 'how to seduce a married woman' See anything familiar?

This last question may lead to a follow up about wedging questions which I suspect.


----------



## LongWalk

Revisiting your earliest posts:



flabergasted said:


> I have no need to verify her information. She told me many details at my request. She is not denying anthing at this point. Her actions and her words appear very remorseful. *She answered all my questions, stating I had every right to know after what she did*.
> 
> This was way out of left field. I mean completely out of character. Our friends and family never thought she was capable of this. Now she appears greatly remorseful and repentant. Willing to do anything I ask. *I just don't know if that will ever be enough...*





> she says that combination put her in a weak state. weak frame of mind. she was low on self esteem and strength.
> 
> But the manner in which the affair develops baffles me. He made an attempt to kiss her and she pushes him away. then goes home and *has time to think about it. Decides she wants to kiss him*. Goes back next time and makes it happen. wasn't a slip. was decided upon.


Your wife is not a fundamentally bad person. She was bored and allowed another man to entertain her. The forbidden nature of what she was doing may have been a major attraction of what she was doing – having another man's seed swimming in her womb.

1) Since she has said and done the right things you may wish to wait before divorcing.

2) You may divorce and keep an open mind to reconciliation, but as two single people exploring a new relationship.

3) You may remain married but in a open marriage that either party can still choose to end in divorce. The conditions could be that you must inform each other if you are seeing someone else. Thus, she could volunteer to remain faithful while giving you an opportunity to have some sexual adventure to even the score.

This approach is not TAM kosher but it has occurred. The danger is that it might not lead to healing but further pain.

Regardless of what you decide to do, given that your WW is doing what she can, take the role of leadership. Seek what will get the two of you through this storm as whole as possible.


----------



## illwill

LongWalk said:


> Revisiting your earliest posts:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Your wife is not a fundamentally bad person. She was bored and allowed another man to entertain her. The forbidden nature of what she was doing may have been a major attraction of what she was doing – having another man's seed swimming in her womb.
> 
> 1) Since she has said and done the right things you may wish to wait before divorcing.
> 
> 2) You may divorce and keep an open mind to reconciliation, but as two single people exploring a new relationship.
> 
> 3) You may remain married but in a open marriage that either party can still choose to end in divorce. The conditions could be that you must inform each other if you are seeing someone else. Thus, she could volunteer to remain faithful while giving you an opportunity to have some sexual adventure to even the score.
> 
> This approach is not TAM kosher but it has occurred. The danger is that it might not lead to healing but further pain.
> 
> Regardless of what you decide to do, given that your WW is doing what she can, take the role of leadership. Seek what will get the two of you through this storm as whole as possible.


Or he could just divorce her. Like i said earlier keep those balls.


----------



## flabergasted

weightlifter said:


> OP. Since you did not need intel or logistics help, you are probably unaware of me.
> 
> Date first innocent meeting?
> Maybe 8 month prior to physical contact. Estimate Jan 2013
> 
> Date First inappropriate talk?
> Flirting probably 6 months prior to physical contact. Estimate March 2013
> 
> 
> Date outright dirty talk?
> Not sure that occurred until after physical encounter
> 
> 
> Date first non piv sex? (oral / handjob)
> August 2013
> 
> 
> 
> Date first sex? (PIV)
> August 2013
> 
> Condoms used (Y/N)
> To my best intel, yes
> 
> 
> Approx number of hookups?
> 15 to 20
> 
> Hookup locations?
> At first his vehicle, then his house (while his wife was at work)
> 
> Nude pictures from him? (Y/N)
> To my best intel, no
> 
> 
> Nude pictures of her sent? (Y/N) If Yes did they leak out to internet? Approx quantity? Approx date nude pics of HER started?
> To my best intel, no
> 
> Did she give him sex acts she denied you (Y/N) no details needed.
> No, however she did ones with him that took use 15 years to reach, and only did rarely ourselves


----------



## VFW

I have good news and bad news. The good news is, that it does get better in time. The bad news is that you are going to go through a roller coaster of many emotions as the marriage ends. It is similar to the death of a loved one and differs in time for each individual. Obviously the marriage as you knew it is over, though I do believe that a new relationship can be built ...IF... both parties want this to work. Some people reconcile immediately, while others cannot. This is not good or bad, it just is what it is, if you don't want to reconcile, then don't. If you do not, then concentrate your efforts on your children and yourself. I caution you about trying to get in another relationship too soon, as you have a lot of emotions you have to work through. I highly recommend counseling as you work through these issues.


----------



## flabergasted

VFW said:


> I highly recommend counseling as you work through these issues.


looking to get some IC soon.


----------



## workindad

flabergasted said:


> weightlifter said:
> 
> 
> 
> OP.
> 
> Condoms used (Y/N)
> To my best intel, yes
> 
> *I understand your best intel. However, I seriously doubt they were used every time. I would be most surprised if this were accurate*
> 
> 
> Approx number of hookups?
> 15 to 20
> 
> *Maybe this is accurate. The tendancy is to under estimate.*
> 
> Hookup locations?
> At first his vehicle, then his house (while his wife was at work)
> 
> *So his house was OK. However, yours was not. Maybe, perhaps there is something I don't know. Would she have never been home alone during the length of her affair? Think about that. *
> 
> Nude pictures of her sent? (Y/N) If Yes did they leak out to internet? Approx quantity? Approx date nude pics of HER started?
> To my best intel, no
> 
> *Possibly accurate*
> 
> Did she give him sex acts she denied you (Y/N) no details needed.
> 
> No, however she did ones with him that took use 15 years to reach, and only did rarely ourselves
> 
> 
> 
> *
> Possibly accurate*
> 
> *I don't reply with any of the above to offend you. You think she has been forth right and that you know most everything. That would be surprising.
> 
> Of course if you want D, then it doesn't really matter except perhaps for full disclosure if you want it. If you want R, then you may have a need to know what you are forgiving. I would.*
> 
> Best of luck.
> WD
Click to expand...


----------



## thummper

How is your wife reacting now that it's all hit the fan and she's no longer allowed to live with you. Any remorse, or is she just moving on?


----------



## weightlifter

THanks for the logistics. Sort of a follow up/ missed one.

Was this his (OM) methodology?
Become friend > soft boundary pushing (Flirty) > hard boundary pushing (dirty) > sexting/ pics > sex.

(The above is player 101) Google 'how to seduce a married woman' See anything familiar?

This last question may lead to a follow up about wedging questions which I suspect. 

The above seeing if I will put you in the RDMU/ GIJeffro/ Samdew club. Long term friending players.


----------



## Granny7

Chaparral said:


> Here is a link about dealing with the anger after an affair.
> 
> Cheated On: 3 Ways to Erase Post-Affair Anger « MarriageSherpa
> 
> If it helps at all I would appreciate any feedback. Good luck
> 
> Is reconciliation totally off the table? If not let us know, there are right and wrong ways to reconcile and we may be able to help with that.
> 
> In any event, everyone involved would be helped with good IC. In your case, PTSD counseling with some one experienced with PTSD and infidelity is a GOD send.


Chaparrel,
I hope he gets some help. I need to find the same kind of therapist. One that helps with PTSD and Infidelity. Pray that I find the right one, so far I've had no luck.
Granny8


----------



## flabergasted

weightlifter said:


> THanks for the logistics. Sort of a follow up/ missed one.
> 
> Was this his (OM) methodology?
> Become friend > soft boundary pushing (Flirty) > hard boundary pushing (dirty) > sexting/ pics > sex.


This is exactly as I see how it happened. "hey Im a nice guy...ha ha ha.... flirty flirty.... your so beautiful... flirty flirty... push boundry a little bit... push it a little bit harder... walls come crashing down..."


----------



## Chaparral

Granny7 said:


> Chaparrel,
> I hope he gets some help. I need to find the same kind of therapist. One that helps with PTSD and Infidelity. Pray that I find the right one, so far I've had no luck.
> Granny8


Try finding the sex addict treatment groups I your area. They should have a list of good counselors. If the counselor doesn't fit, move on to the next one. Many here have had problems with counselors not equipped to deal with infidelity. Good luck.


----------



## weightlifter

flabergasted said:


> This is exactly as I see how it happened. "hey Im a nice guy...ha ha ha.... flirty flirty.... your so beautiful... flirty flirty... push boundry a little bit... push it a little bit harder... walls come crashing down..."


"congrats" to membership in that club. Believe it or not men I respect.

OK the follow up.

Friending player often takes one of two tracks.

One involves what I call wedging the husband.

"You must be lonely because your husband is working such long hours to support you" There is a double wedge there. First is the more obvious left handed compliment of the man working so much. The second is far more subtle. "Supporting you" IE "HE thinks YOU are a loafer."

The second is pure attention and compliments.

Do you know wish of the two he took?


----------



## happi_g_more2

Sorry flabergasted!!! Your story is aweful. Us guys cant win with this ****.
1) Make your wife work and she resents you for it so she ****s someone else
2) Let your wife stay at home and they are bored, do not see their self worth and thus resent you and **** someone else


----------



## flabergasted

weightlifter said:


> "congrats" to membership in that club. Believe it or not men I respect.
> 
> OK the follow up.
> 
> Friending player often takes one of two tracks.
> 
> One involves what I call wedging the husband.
> 
> "You must be lonely because your husband is working such long hours to support you" There is a double wedge there. First is the more obvious left handed compliment of the man working so much. The second is far more subtle. "Supporting you" IE "HE thinks YOU are a loafer."
> 
> The second is pure attention and compliments.
> 
> Do you know wish of the two he took?


I think the latter. Pure attention and compliments. Don't really think they had lengthy discussions where he supported her emotionally prior to their encounters. More just flirty type stuff at the gym. The push a little bit. Then push a little harder. Bam.


----------



## flabergasted

have an appointment with a counselor this evening


----------



## manticore

good for you man, about the divorce, is she making things easy for you or is changing hwe bahaviour about it?


----------



## weightlifter

Thank you for the info. Its your life to you but important points on a graph to me. I appreciate the input. It does allow me to help pinpoint where people are in their timelines when they come up.


----------



## Csquare

FB,

Be very gentle with yourself in the coming days. Allow yourself to feel *everything*: anger, grief, shock, despair... Try not to push yourself too hard at work, or with other responsibilities right now. Allow yourself to coast because you've been dealt a major blow and you are in "flight or fight" mode. Try to find a calming place and space to process all this. 

I'm so sorry you are going through this.


----------



## harrybrown

How was your visit with your counselor? Was the counselor supportive and helpful?


----------



## weightlifter

Did you end up fully going for divorce Flaber?


----------



## flabergasted

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## flabergasted

Little update. Filed for divorce a while back. Will be final in about a month
Been doing better. Some days are better than others, but I still have pain everyday. 
Started new job and it is a lot less stressful, but I am earning less. That will not 
Help now that I am paying child support and temporary spousal support. 

Been puttin myself out there for the ladies. Been spending some good time with some really great girls
That does help me feel happy, but only while I'm with them. 

Friends and family have all been very supportive. Right now I'm just trying to move forward with my life as best as I know how.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

How is your wife reacting to the divorce?


----------



## weightlifter

Thank you for updating Flaber. Is she still with OM?


----------



## mahike

It does not make a difference R or D it is going to take time to heal. Good days and Bad days is part of the path you are on. The Good days will out number the Bad and it will get better and better. 

Good Luck


----------



## flabergasted

Wife not with OM since discovery. She is very remorseful, from everything I can tell. Doesn't really matter for me though. I have decided to move forward. I don't think I could ever forgive to the point of being happy with that relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk

What sort of contact do you have today?


----------



## Dad&Hubby

flabergasted said:


> Wife not with OM since discovery. She is very remorseful, from everything I can tell. Doesn't really matter for me though. I have decided to move forward. I don't think I could ever forgive to the point of being happy with that relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is she remorseful enough to forgo temporary spousal support?

Sorry Flaber, I really struggle with spousal support for a cheating spouse.


----------



## badmemory

flabergasted said:


> spoke with other guys wife today. this is more than 2 weeks after I let her know about affair. she still has not confronted him. she feels like I am influencing her to confront him. Damn right I am.
> 
> *she told me she is reluctant to confront him at this point cause things are going well.* he has been real nice to her the last couple weeks. NO ****. of course he has. what a dumbass.


Wow. Another similarity to your situation and what mine was (other than I'm in R). The POSOM's spouse was a Stepford Wife.


----------



## intuitionoramiwrong

Dad&Hubby said:


> Is she remorseful enough to forgo temporary spousal support?
> 
> Sorry Flaber, I really struggle with spousal support for a cheating spouse.


Agree completely.


----------



## flabergasted

Only contact is communication regarding kids or other necessity regarding divorce, etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk

F'ing hard


----------



## bandit.45

Can't believe she threw her family away for a 60 year old fart. 

I remember you were building a house. Is that being sold now?


----------



## barbados

flabergasted said:


> Wife not with OM since discovery. She is very remorseful, from everything I can tell. Doesn't really matter for me though. I have decided to move forward. I don't think I could ever forgive to the point of being happy with that relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I commend you for your swift and STRONG reaction to her betrayal !


----------



## flabergasted

bandit.45 said:


> Can't believe she threw her family away for a 60 year old fart.
> 
> I remember you were building a house. Is that being sold now?


I have the house and I am keeping it. I am forced to sell lake house to pay for divorce settlement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rottdad42

Man this just sucks. Almost three decades, by your writing. That is a lot of memories made with children. I understand your mental standing at this point. Good for you not taking it and rugsweeping. It's good to hear a person stand up for him/her self. I think what irritates me the most, that this guy is a retired lawdog, like myself, except the retired part. This jack*** has no honor, integrity and everything else that makes us who we are. I am ashamed of my profession today. This person makes it really hard, for the guys that are trying to be that "good cop" He just tarnished his whole career in one fail swoop. 
I know it's hard for you right now, after so many years together. You will be hurting for quite some time. If you do move forward, which it sounds like you are, there are a lot of really good woman out there. Myself, after 20 years, never thought I would find someone, date, connect and love again. I met the most wonderful person, who is smoking hot, smart, has her morals in check and is a great mom. She is a few years younger, which keeps me in check as far as staying fit. This is new to you so you won't be interested in that, for now. But as you move forward with all this, you will see the light and hopefully lady luck will smile on you. This is the least that life can do to a person who has had his life destroyed, especially when you are a good person, with morals. Best of luck to you, this will get better with time. Make sure you exercise, eat, as best you can. Go visit family and friends and try to live as best you can. Good luck.


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## convert

flabergasted, have you ever considered putting Om on cheaterville?

probably not worth the effort now that you are divorcing but i just hate that these POSOM get away with it.
*It might help save other people.*

If you stay with the *facts* there is nothing illegal about it.


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## thummper

I am so sorry things have turned out for you the way they have, especially since you've said your wife is very remorseful and would like your marriage to get back on track. Why is it, I wonder, that people (men *and* women) always seem to discover how much they really love their husband/wife after things have gone too far to be "fixed?" Suddenly they discover they've lost everything that really meant anything. I think that's one of the most terrible things about infidelity. "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone!" Definitely a major-league oooops! :slap: That being said, I certainly can't fault you for the decision you have made. Personally, I don't think I could *EVER* forgive a woman who had cheated on me. At that point divorce would be the only option, regardless of how remorseful and contrite she appeared to be or how much she cried, begged, or pleaded for me not to leave. The mind movies would simply be too much to bear. Good luck to you. I hope you can find happiness with your next love.:smthumbup:


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## Graywolf2

thummper said:


> Why is it, I wonder, that people (men *and* women) always seem to discover how much they really love their husband/wife after things have gone too far to be "fixed?" Suddenly they discover they've lost everything that really meant anything. I think that's one of the most terrible things about infidelity. "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone!"


Because the affair is free until they get caught. When they see the price tag they freak out.

I have heard people say that being extremely careful about their affair demonstrated how highly they valued their marriage. They think that they will never get caught and some don’t.


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## Dad&Hubby

Graywolf2 said:


> Because the affair is free until they get caught. When they see the price tag they freak out.
> 
> I have heard people say that being extremely careful about their affair demonstrated how highly they valued their marriage. They think that they will never get caught and some don’t.


Exactly.

An affair is like a poor person buying a Mercedes with no money down.

It's AWESOME...until that first payment comes.


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## lordmayhem

How did you get your divorce through so fast? You stated that your state requires 6 months from filing to finalization. Shouldnt it be in June or July? This could help other BS's in your situation.

She was a SAHM, and had a good life, even time to join a gym and meet the OM, while you busted your ass in a very difficult job. Did she get a job yet?

She originally stated she cheated because of the stress of building a house and that her back hurts. That's a poor excuse for cheating. Strange that she would she even though her back supposedly hurts. I guess her back didn't hurt to have sex with other man.


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## Mr Blunt

> By Flabergasted
> Wife not with OM since discovery. She is very remorseful, from everything I can tell. Doesn't really matter for me though. I have decided to move forward.* I don't think I could ever forgive to the point of being happy with that relationship*



You do not need to “forgive to the point of being happy with that relationship” 
but *I would suggest that you forgive because that will help YOU and your CHILDREN*



*You probably already know this but are you getting some help with forgiveness? *I am sure you know that forgiveness is not without consequences for the offender and it seems that she is having a good amount of consequences.


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## flabergasted

lordmayhem said:


> How did you get you get through so fast? You stated that your state requires 6 months from filing to finalization. Shouldnt it be in June or July?.


Turns out it was 90 days. Not six months. I about 30 days from being finalized.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado

Good luck in your new life flabergasted.


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## warlock07

What do you mean by remorseful ? 

Is she working? Is she looking to work?

How do you know that she has no more relationship with the OM? She had no issues hiding it from you while living together and looking into your eyes everyday. Now she lives separately.

How did she treat you during the affair ??

Did you get tested for STDs?

Do you plan to confront the OM ?


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## WhiteRaven

Flabbergasted, I went through your thread. It doesn't matter if your wife is remorseful. What matters is can you accept your wife now that she has shown a totally disgusting side of her. An ONS is one thing. But an A is a different beast altogether. A spouse has to build up a purely negative image of his/her spouse to continue an A. It's not the A itself that is so hurtful, it is the blatant disregard for your trust and love that hurts most. It's the feeling of you not enough for your spouse. You have given everything. Still it was insignificant for your spouse. This is what causes the triggers. You and I have been cut from the same cloth, so it's likely that I understand what you are going through. You don't really want to leave but you can't make up your mind to stay. You have the feeling of 'if she doesn't want me, I don't need her either.' You have filed for D and when the D is finalized you would panic thinking did you make a mistake by being hasty. You'd bury yourself in physical intimacy with other women without really being over your xWW. Slowly you'd accept what's done is done and you'd move on.

D is really hard. It's because it's worth it.


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## warlock07

The OM is just getting away with it. This is really pissing me off. His wife is too scared to do anything. The woman he had the affair was dumped by her husband. Her family is broken. The husband is devastated both emotionally and financially and this scumbag had nothing. 

OP, do you think you can report him?


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## WhiteRaven

warlock07 said:


> The OM is just getting away with it. This is really pissing me off. His wife is too scared to do anything. The woman he had the affair was dumped by her husband. Her family is broken. The husband is devastated both emotionally and financially and this scumbag had nothing.
> 
> OP, do you think you can report him?


Regarding the OM, flabbergasted can go my way. It's better than CV.


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## jim123

Good luck to you. One mistake men make is getting the youngest and hottest they can find. Be smart and find the best.


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## Granny7

Graywolf2 said:


> Because the affair is free until they get caught. When they see the price tag they freak out.
> 
> I have heard people say that being extremely careful about their affair demonstrated how highly they valued their marriage. They think that they will never get caught and some don’t.


Graywolf2,
What you have said is so true. My CH thought he would never get caught, planned everything so carefully, so he thought. A yr. after his 3 yrs. E/A ended, I received the letter from the OWH, along with the love letter's my H wrote to this man's soon to be ex-wife. So, yes he thought he has it planned so perfectly, probably felt good that after it was over with, he had gotten away with it, as he was never going to tell me. I asked him why wasn't he going to tell me and of course his stupid answer was, "He didn't want me to be hurt, it was over." That was so nice of him, wasn't it? Their is no perfect crime!
Granny7


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## doubletrouble

jim123 said:


> Good luck to you. One mistake men make is getting the youngest and hottest they can find. Be smart and find the best.


Yeah this seems to be the classic TAM rhetoric, find one younger, hotter, sexier. Woot woot. 

Maybe for a summer romance, but that's it at best.

Find someone who matches you. Are you young, hot and sexy? Is that what your primary objectives are in life? No? Find someone who knows what life (and love) is about.


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## Ripper

Wishing you the best OP. Sounds like you have done the best you could considering the horrible decisions your wife made.

This whole site is a fist full of red pills.


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## barbados

Any update Flab ? How are things going with you ?


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## tom67

barbados said:


> Any update Flab ? How are things going with you ?


I like to shorten names also but Flab? Really?:lol::rofl::rofl:
It's all good and I second Barbados if you could give a little update and hope you are well.


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## GusPolinski

Found myself wondering about OP earlier... turns out it's been a year (to the day!) since his last post...



flabergasted said:


> Turns out it was 90 days. Not six months. I about  30 days from being finalized.


Hope you're doing well, flaber.

Apologies to everyone for the zombie thread... it's just that this thread was one of the first that I read upon finding TAM in January of last year.


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## soccermom2three

Weird Gus, I was just wondering how he was doing too.


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## LongWalk

Warlock banned, too.


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## happyman64

Last Activity: 05-06-2014 10:44 PM 

That was his last visit to TAM.


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## GusPolinski

happyman64 said:


> Last Activity: 05-06-2014 10:44 PM
> 
> That was his last visit to TAM.


Yeah I know. I was hoping that an update to his thread might trigger an e-mail alert.


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## LongWalk

PM him. Hard blow to end such a long marriage.

He didn't sound like he was willing to attempt R but you never know.


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## happy as a clam

tom67 said:


> I like to shorten names also but Flab? Really?:lol::rofl::rofl:
> It's all good.


THIS made me laugh!! Hilarious, t67 (notice how I shortened that?!)

:rofl: :lol:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Granny7

Flabber, 

I am so proud of you for doing what you did. I'm trying after 52 yrs. of marriage to decide what to do also, since the 3 yr. affair ended over 25 yrs. ago. So much has happened since then, lack of remorse, drinking (which has been stopped for 3 yrs.) but he's still a very selfish, narcissistic person and I regret not divorcing him after I found out they were in the same bed together. 

A betrayal of 3 yrs. is a lot to forgive. Of course, now he is the one that wants it to work and all I can think of is the betrayal, lying and humiliation that he caused me. Health problems, our family, that now blames me because it came back up again due to his depression and drinking during the stock market crash over 3 yrs. ago. I am so angry with him for messing up, what I thought was a very loving marriage. Obviously, I was the one that was doing all the loving, he was just taking and not putting into our marriage like I was. He wanted to feel young and free and when she came on to him, he took the bait. He wouldn't have started it, but he didn't turn her down either. He enjoyed his blond tramp to go out with, dance, drink and make him feel young again. He never had been with anyone else but me and me the same and I cherished that specialness so much. He never thought of disrespecting me or hurting and humiliating me, since I didn't know about it.

Yes, he thought he got away with it also, till her now Ex-husband sent me the love letters he wrote to her. I never go the kind of loving letters like he wrote to her. He actually told her that he had never loved anyone as much as he did her and he couldn't imagine life without her. Even when we were going together, I can't remember him ever saying such things to me. It sounded like he would have died for her, if she left him, which she did. Yet, he called her to end it on a "good note" twice. So, it sounds like he didn't want to give her up yet. Now he wants me to move on and quit ruining our life by talking and asking questions about it. I am so totally numb, disappointed, sad, but most of all, angry that he ruined our life just to have fun with someone he had no intentions of marrying. I get sick, just talking about it.

Anyway, sorry to get off the subject, just so happy he did what he did and dumped her. I hope I have the courage to do the same thing. I know I'll lose my 2 daughter's and then the older 6 grandchildren will find out what their grandfather did to me and they love both of us. Plus it's humiliating to me that they would find out that he did this to me. He doesn't get that at all. Just pray that I make the right decision.

Best of Luck, Granny7


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## Dyokemm

" PM him. Hard blow to end such a long marriage.

He didn't sound like he was willing to attempt R but you never know."

Longwalk,

You're so right....very sad.

But A's like this after so many years of M and raising a family might be the most unforgivable of all IMO.


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