# At The End Of My Rope!



## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

I don't know which way to turn or what to do. I have worked on my marriage for a good 2 years trying to make it work, but I keep hitting one brick wall after another. 
My husband has BPD (not a clinical diagnosis, but 7 out of 9 criteria are checked). In the last 6 months I have been the focus of unreasonable rage, explosive temper tantrums, verbal abuse, unfounded accusations, insults, and witnessed the breakage of many household items-some set on fire, as he has to 'act out' immediately as soon as his rage takes hold.
His father physically abused him, his brother, (who is himself a mess) and their mother. He does not hit me-but he breaks stuff or punches walls. 
If I were closer to my home, I would have been gone long ago, but I am 2,000 miles away. 
I also have a thread called "addicted to Facebook" in the addiction board which spells out some of the other things I must contend with. I am so confused, lost and alone here I feel like sometimes ending it all just to escape but I am way stronger than that. 
We are middle age-grown kids. This should be our time, but instead I find myself more alone than ever. 
If anyone has any words of wisdom, I sorely need them now.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I do not know what to say. Hopefully someone that does comes along soon. I am so sorry that you are facing this.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

you should not be tolerating that at all. Do you have a car and money?

Leave him, if not permanently, at least for a while to get your head clear.

I give you permission.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Why do you stay? Serious question-if you are staying only b/c you are afraid to leave, then make a plan to leave. Once you begin to visualize how it can happen, and you anticipate potential problems and come up with realistic solutions, leaving becomes much less scary. 

If you stay for another reason, then what is it?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Unhappy2011 said:


> Leave him for a while.
> 
> I give you permission.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oooh, that's a really good answer. I agree!


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## MrWombat (Feb 16, 2012)

Caligyrl said:


> In the last 6 months I have been the focus of unreasonable rage, explosive temper tantrums, verbal abuse, unfounded accusations, insults, and witnessed the breakage of many household items-some set on fire, as he has to 'act out' immediately as soon as his rage takes hold.


You are married to a madman. I don't care which particular kind of mad, what specific diagnosis they give - it doesn't matter. It all means "crazy".

Don't subject your kids (or yourself) to living with this person. Get out. Get out immediately.

(this message is gender-neutral)


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

Thank you all...to be honest, I have begun packing and sending boxes back home over the last 5-6 weeks. Things I do not need and haven't looked at (and won't be missed). I have a little money-but nowhere near enough to start over myself. I really do have a plan-I need to save up more money before I implement it. In the meantime, I keep sending boxes home and praying to keep my sanity.
Also, to complicate matters, I have 3 cats. I do have a car, but I cannot imagine driving across the country with 3 cats. That's been my main sticking point. I need to figure something out for them.
One positive note-he actually came to me and apologized for exploding at nothing. That is a FIRST in all the time. I would love to be able to share what I know about the BPD, but I know it would go badly so I will keep that to myself for now.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Caligyrl said:


> I would love to be able to share what I know about the BPD, but I know it would go badly so I will keep that to myself for now.


Cali, do you mean it would go badly if you shared it with HIM? If so, I agree with you. He almost certainly would project the accusation right back onto you. And, because projections occur at the subconscious level, he would be firmly convinced that it is true. 

This is why the near-universal recommendation (at websites devoted to the partners of BPDers) is to simply encourage them to seek professional help -- which they rarely will do. I therefore am glad to hear that you are planning your escape by getting your ducks in a row before you leave. With a BPDer, it is important for the departure to be an unannounced surprise -- so you remain safe.

In my case, I gave my exW a BPD book AFTER we had already physically separated. Of course, she is now convinced that I'm the one suffering from BPD.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Wouldn't he have to meet all 9 criteria to be considered BPD?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

pidge70 said:


> Wouldn't he have to meet all 9 criteria to be considered BPD?


No, Pidge, the Diagnostic Manual only requires that 5 of the 9 traits be exhibited at a strong level over time (i.e., be persistent). Of course, as Cali recognizes, _only professionals_ can determine whether her H actually "has BPD," i.e., has the full blown disorder.

This is not to say, however, that Cali cannot spot the red flags when the traits are occurring strongly. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about traits such as verbal abuse, fear of abandonment, inability to trust, and emotional instability.


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

Thank you Uptown...yes, I meant share with him. I have often told him he has a "SUPERIORITY COMPLEX", meaning he thinks he's always right and correct in anything he does or says. He has an extremely high intelligence level, but not very smart in people skills. He's extremely critical of everything and everyone-except when he is face-to-face. 
There is a thread on here that a man is talking about his wife...The person that answered it copied everything point by point and responded to it with clinical information. I swear he could be me. I certainly am not qualified to diagnose, but yes, I do recognize (and live with) all the traits-except the drinking or physical abuse- of a BPD'er. He has substituted Facebook for those addictions.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Get some crates for the cats and go. Don't use your cats as a reason not to leave. It would be that bad.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Uptown said:


> No, Pidge, the Diagnostic Manual only requires that 5 of the 9 traits be exhibited at a strong level over time (i.e., be persistent). Of course, as Cali recognizes, _only professionals_ can determine whether her H actually "has BPD," i.e., has the full blown disorder.
> 
> This is not to say, however, that Cali cannot spot the red flags when the traits are occurring strongly. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about traits such as verbal abuse, fear of abandonment, inability to trust, and emotional instability.


Well that helps clarify my diagnosis then. I was starting to doubt it. I do not meet all 9 either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Caligyrl said:


> Thank you Uptown...yes, I meant share with him. I have often told him he has a "SUPERIORITY COMPLEX", meaning he thinks he's always right and correct in anything he does or says. He has an extremely high intelligence level, but not very smart in people skills. He's extremely critical of everything and everyone-except when he is face-to-face.
> There is a thread on here that a man is talking about his wife...The person that answered it copied everything point by point and responded to it with clinical information. I swear he could be me. I certainly am not qualified to diagnose, but yes, I do recognize (and live with) all the traits-except the drinking or physical abuse- of a BPD'er. He has substituted Facebook for those addictions.


That was probably Uptown. He's very adept at breaking it down. I think he's helped me understand more about my disorder than anyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

pidge70 said:


> Well that helps clarify my diagnosis then. I was starting to doubt it. I do not meet all 9 either.


Pidge, thanks for the kind words. Please keep in mind that BPD is NOT a disease -- like chickenpox -- that a person "has" or "does not have." There is NO KNOWN DISEASE causing BPD. The current view of psychologists, then, is that BPD is simply a group of dysfunctional symptoms (called "a syndrome") that therapists commonly observe as occurring together in their clients. 

Like all the other personality disorders, BPD is a "spectrum disorder," which means that WE ALL have the nine BPD traits to some degree. They become a problem only when they are so strong and persistent that they distort one's perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations -- thereby undermining all close LTRs. Indeed, at low levels, the nine traits are not a problem at all. On the contrary, they are essential to our survival, which is why they arise from the primitive ego defenses that we all use (primarily in early childhood).

What is important, then, is not whether you have BPD at the diagnostic level. That threshold is arbitrary and never made any sense whatsoever. It is the equivalent of defining "tall people" to be those over 6'4" and "short people" to be all those under that height. This dichotomous way of measuring the severity of BPD traits (i.e., you either have them or you don't) has been an embarrassment to the psychiatry profession for over three decades. 

They implemented it, in 1980, at the insistence of the insurance companies to have a "bright line" for a diagnosis. It has served no useful purpose, however, because the insurance companies have generally refused to cover BPD treatments -- regardless of whether the bright line is crossed or not. 

This is one reason it is unusual for a high functioning BPDer to be given a diagnosis of "BPD." The therapists know that insurance companies typically will cover treatments only if the HF BPDer is "diagnosed" as having one of the side effects of BPD (e.g., depression, anxiety, or PTSD). The BPD itself is commonly excluded from the diagnosis.

For these reasons, the APA is finally gutting this dichotomous approach and replacing it with a graduated method of diagnosing BPD -- at five levels of severity. This new approach is already included in the new diagnostic manual (DSM5) that is scheduled for release in May of next year.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I was diagnosed after taking the MMPI and the MMPI II.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrWombat (Feb 16, 2012)

Caligyrl said:


> Also, to complicate matters, I have 3 cats. I do have a car, but I cannot imagine driving across the country with 3 cats.


This is going to sound awful, but if the man you are living with has been setting fire to things in fits of temper, your cats are way down on the list of what's important. They are pet animals, not children. Get your priorities straightened out, and stop making excuses.


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## MrWombat (Feb 16, 2012)

Caligyrl said:


> Thank you Uptown...yes, I meant share with him. I have often told him he has a "SUPERIORITY COMPLEX", meaning he thinks he's always right and correct in anything he does or says.


Stop. Stop pretending that you can diagnose mental conditions. And stop using medical-sounding words that you are not qualified to use: they put a buffer between yourself and what is really happening. As I said in my other post - stop making excuses.


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

Mr. Wombat....the term Superiority Complex is nothing clinical-it's something I made up as the polar opposite of an "Inferiority Complex" and does exist in people. The former meaning he thinks he is above, better or smarter than other people and does not or cannot make a mistake. 
I certainly am not making excuses-if you would read my earlier posts I am in process with a plan made already, I just need some more time and money to implement it. My cats are my children. Please don't tell me you are one of those who thinks that when a pet dies it's...only a cat or dog. I would no more leave my pets behind than I would my own children. You cannot judge me like that-I have been placed in a situation that I am trying my best to get out of gracefully without harm to him, me or my cats. 
You might try and offer words of advice rather than criticism. Thanks.


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## MrWombat (Feb 16, 2012)

Caligyrl said:


> Mr. Wombat....the term Superiority Complex is nothing clinical


Sorry I snapped at you. "complex" is a technical term from Freudian psychiatry. I don't exactly know what it means, but it is a technical term that has a specific meaning. But what I am trying to say is that you are distancing yourself from what is going on by "reifying" what he does - turning verbs into nouns. Instead of saying "he does X", you are saying "there is this thing, a complex, tht he has". It's a way of using oven gloves with things that can be difficult to face.
The other thing is that you don't know he has a "superiority complex", whatever that is. Sounds to me more like borderline personality disorder. I think you need to google that term - its very relevant. But I'm not a mental health professional, either.


Caligyrl said:


> My cats are my children. Please don't tell me you are one of those who thinks that when a pet dies it's...only a cat or dog. I would no more leave my pets behind than I would my own children.


Sigh. You know they don't feel about you the way that you feel about them? You wanted advice, the only advice I have is nothing, not even your cats, is more important than getting out of a house where your partner has fits of anger and sets fire to things.

Please go look up "borderline personality disorder" as I suggested.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pokey (Mar 26, 2012)

Cats can be driven cross country. How many miles of a trip is it? I drove my 3 cats 700 or so miles. Only a 12 hour trip, but I believe a longer one can be done. Get some sedatives from the vet - they'll sleep the whole time. If your trip is longer, plan some breaks - find motels you can stay at first that will allow the cats. I understand your sentiment to your cats, ppl that don't have it don't understand. From a fellow cat lover.


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

pokey said:


> Cats can be driven cross country. How many miles of a trip is it? I drove my 3 cats 700 or so miles. Only a 12 hour trip, but I believe a longer one can be done. Get some sedatives from the vet - they'll sleep the whole time. If your trip is longer, plan some breaks - find motels you can stay at first that will allow the cats. I understand your sentiment to your cats, ppl that don't have it don't understand. From a fellow cat lover.


 Thank you! Well, the trip would be about 2500 miles, or a good 3 days. I have talked to my vet and she did suggest a sedative, but not for 'prolonged use'. I have thought about flying them, I don't really know what to do there yet. I am in contact with our county animal agencies and they have some good suggestions-so I think that part will be ok eventually.
One thing I do know is I will never leave them behind.


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

MrWombat said:


> Sorry I snapped at you. "complex" is a technical term from Freudian psychiatry. I don't exactly know what it means, but it is a technical term that has a specific meaning. But what I am trying to say is that you are distancing yourself from what is going on by "reifying" what he does - turning verbs into nouns. Instead of saying "he does X", you are saying "there is this thing, a complex, tht he has". It's a way of using oven gloves with things that can be difficult to face.
> The other thing is that you don't know he has a "superiority complex", whatever that is. Sounds to me more like borderline personality disorder. I think you need to google that term - its very relevant. But I'm not a mental health professional, either.
> 
> Sigh. You know they don't feel about you the way that you feel about them? You wanted advice, the only advice I have is nothing, not even your cats, is more important than getting out of a house where your partner has fits of anger and sets fire to things.
> ...


Mr Wombat...that's ok, I understand. We are all a bit frazzled, or we wouldn't be here. 
As I said-the words 'superiority complex' is not clinical by any means. It's something I made up to try and get thru to him. 
As for your suggestion of the BPD...that is dead on! I've been doing a ton of research over the last few weeks as I thought he must be bi-polar, but reading threads here, articles on the internet, and the book I bought has convinced me he truly has BPD. Of course, that's my own diagnosis based on my everyday life with him-I would never get him to go to a shrink to have a professional diagnosis. He does however, hold true on 7 out of 9 on the criteria list. Strongly.
Uptown and Pidge have been very helpful in sorting out what is/isn't and all that has helped me to not make mistakes that will bring the veil off the anger that is always lurking nearby.


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## Vanes (Mar 22, 2012)

Cali, 
I just ended the same awful treatment. Do you have kids together? I hope not, I am finally after 4 years breaking it off for good. These are some things that helped, this site is good, but keep googling all kinds of feelings, thoughts you have and you will find some great advice (for free at least). 
I realized 3 months ago that I have put up with more anger, rage and neglect than anyone ever has thrown my way in my 34 years. I will never meet someone more dysfunctional.
We cannot, and WILL NOT change their past family mistakes that were unlawfully being put onto you. 
You are beautiful, and have been isolated. Tell everyone on FB! I did it and got 3 wonderful calls early the next morning, like 7am asking if I was ok, my girlfriends (i never saw anymore) reached out like I never believed and came right to my rescue with a nice ear, nice words, and peaceful advice. Blessing. 
One's coming over tmrw! 
Be surrounded by more people in public, get out there, take a bath, by mud mask at Walgreens for 4 bucks and pamper yourself. 
You've gone through a lot of torture. That is not love. You were deceived by a bad person that maybe needed love, but IS NOT able to GIVE it to you. 
GET out of that relationship FAST, it hurts quickly but it will start to fade much sooner than you think.
Once he's out, you will begin to reflect on all the other messed up things he's done and you REALLY will start wondering how the Hell you ended up with him in the 1st place. 
Call free DV line, get location of place closest, they offer free counseling even if you don't feel in danger, nice to know you can talk to people that understand. 
Keep going online and looking for help, I'm still doing it every night and I feel like a new women already. 
Dyed my hair Strawberry Blonde, cut bangs and got a tan, I forgot how to love myself while loving the unlovable. 

Keep moving forward, they only go from bad to worse and YOU DON"T want to be there when it happens! You've had enough!


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## MrWombat (Feb 16, 2012)

Caligyrl said:


> As for your suggestion of the BPD...that is dead on! I've been doing a ton of research over the last few weeks as I thought he must be bi-polar, but reading threads here, articles on the internet, and the book I bought has convinced me he truly has BPD.


So you understand why I was suggesting that it's actually urgent - people with BPD are _dangerous_, and everyone who's been hurt by an intimate with the condition sings the same song: "Oh, but I never thought he would do _that_, I never though it would go _that_ far!" they say, lying in a hospital bed with their faces covered in stitches, or burns, or acid splashes.

It doesn't fix itself, and there's not a lot you can do to fix it. You could - trying not to be melodramatic here - but you could be in danger if he suddenly works out that you are in the process of leaving. I haven't read through all your other posts, so I'm not totally up on what the score is.

Good luck with the cats. It might not be obvious, but I'm more a cat person than a dog person myself. It's just that I don't cherish having illusions about things. I lost my faith several years ago.


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

MrWombat said:


> So you understand why I was suggesting that it's actually urgent - people with BPD are _dangerous_, and everyone who's been hurt by an intimate with the condition sings the same song: "Oh, but I never thought he would do _that_, I never though it would go _that_ far!" they say, lying in a hospital bed with their faces covered in stitches, or burns, or acid splashes.
> 
> It doesn't fix itself, and there's not a lot you can do to fix it. You could - trying not to be melodramatic here - but you could be in danger if he suddenly works out that you are in the process of leaving. I haven't read through all your other posts, so I'm not totally up on what the score is.
> 
> Good luck with the cats. It might not be obvious, but I'm more a cat person than a dog person myself. It's just that I don't cherish having illusions about things. I lost my faith several years ago.


Thank you MrWombat...I completely understand where you're coming from. Let me give you a little background history so you will be able to better understand me. 
My husband was badly abused by his father as a child both physically and verbally. He watched his mother go through beatings until he stepped in one day at 13 or so and stood up to him trying to protect her. His mother left in the middle of the day a few years later and left the boys to be raised by this monster. He has vowed to never ever be physical and through his life he has kept that promise to himself, however, he acts it out in other ways by breaking things, punching walls, etc. Now, having said all that-he thinks he's going to die any day, which is quite possible seeing that he has had 3 heart attacks at 51 and is on complete disability. 
Do I feel like I am abandoning him? Sure-but after 5 years, I find it's tearing me down and it's time to etch out a new life. 
We sometimes talk for hours and I try to explain what his behavior does to me. He blames others and everthing else but does not ever try to change it. (This was before I knew about the BPD, but have been advised NOT to share this info with him).

I am so sorry you have lost your faith. It sounds like you have been through hell. Try to love an animal once....they really DO love you back. It's the only love you will ever find that's totally unconditional.


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

Vanes said:


> Cali,
> I just ended the same awful treatment. Do you have kids together? I hope not, I am finally after 4 years breaking it off for good. These are some things that helped, this site is good, but keep googling all kinds of feelings, thoughts you have and you will find some great advice (for free at least).
> I realized 3 months ago that I have put up with more anger, rage and neglect than anyone ever has thrown my way in my 34 years. I will never meet someone more dysfunctional.
> We cannot, and WILL NOT change their past family mistakes that were unlawfully being put onto you.
> ...


Vanes...THANK YOU! for the great advice. It truly sounds like I am walking in your footsteps. How do you feel now that you've gotten away?
We've been married almost 5 years-our kids are grown-no kids together. 
I miss the man I married-as you do too I bet-because they change so drastically. I still am in touch with my friends on FB, and I'm sure there would be a celebration when I get home. LOL
It's just so disappointing, maddening, and exhausting being in this relationship that I thought was the answer to my prayers.
Ugh....as you said-time for me now. Thank you!


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