# I need to be more dominant, but am not sure when is a good time



## going_crazy (May 26, 2009)

So previously, a few times on an off my wife and I had a few months of frustratingly low amounts of sex, nothing extreme, just not enough for me to avoid wanting to punch a hole in the wall to relieve some frustration. She just never really seems in the mood, and often times when I try to help her get in the mood by simply being extra-nice, making a more extravagant dinner then usual or offering to give her a massage she starts off with "we are not having sex". 

While this problem has been mostly resolved and we are having sex more often then before, it is just not quite where I would like it to be, and above all, it has kind of been bothering me to realize that it seems that the problem is not that she is not in the mood, but rather that she does not want to be in the mood. I KNOW that she loves me very much, and only me. And the only thing I can come up with is that she wants me to be more aggressive at times. 

I am a very chill person and am very laid back, but I can be VERY assertive with people if I really need to be, I just tend towards being more gentle. After our previous heart-to-hearts I have started being a little more aggressive in the bedroom(pulling hair, slapping, holding her arms down...) and I feel that that is really a large part of what has helped. I also know that she really likes that kind of dominated fantasy and I generally am convinced that she would love it if I walked upstairs, threw her down, tied her hands behind her back and basically ravished her, which honestly would fulfill some of my fantasies as well. 

I just cant seem to do it though. Mostly I am convinced that due to the amount of times I get rejected now if I really went to do it she would say that she was not in the mood or had a bad day at work or something along those lines. I am also worried about going through with it because she was raped when she was younger, and if there is one thing I don't ever want to do, it is making her relive that or even think about it ever again. 

I care very much about her, so I naturally feel bad treating her like that, even though she wants me to. So I guess I don't what I should do, but I feel like part of the few problems in an otherwise perfect marriage are stemming from my unwillingness or inability to be as unrestrained and open in the bed room as I should be.

I think I really just need advice. I am kind of rambling, but I kind of feel like even just typing this out is helping a little.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You know, there are more choices than being a wimp or being a caveman.

Either or thinking is trouble.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

I agree. You have to play different situations by ear. Never be a wimp, but you know your woman so your job is to ascertain when the right time is to put your foot down, and when to be compassionate and have a conversation.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Make sure she knows the safeword, and tell her to use it if things are really beyond control.

Then be as assertive as you want. Until she uses the safeword, you haven't crossed the line.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

artieb said:


> Make sure she knows the safeword, and tell her to use it if things are really beyond control.
> 
> Then be as assertive as you want. Until she uses the safeword, you haven't crossed the line.


This is very good advice.

If you are her discuss the safeword, it is reassurance to both of you.

Also, much like traditional sex, there is much leading up to the moment so it is not only "out of the blue".

And "foreplay" for the dominant man, doesn't start only in the bedroom.

The dominant man is very creative to let his woman know what is in store for her. 

Will it be a subtle suggestion even in the morning before you are leaving for work, giving her all day to anticipate?

Will it be even a look, or a firm spank on the behind to let her know you are meaning business?

As a matter of fact, spanking is a good way to introduce dominance in the bedroom in a safe way for both the man and the woman.

Also I am seeing you are mentioning rape in your woman's history. This can, like you mention, be a barrier to fantasies and the sexual structure both of you are longing for.

I have written something about this topic in this post so you can read it if you think it may help.

I wish you well.


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## going_crazy (May 26, 2009)

Thanks for the advice. A safeword seems like a very good idea at this point. I mentioned it to her the other day, at first she thought I meant a safeword to let each other know that we want whoever is over to leave because we are frakkin horny :smthumbup:, and we agreed on coming up with a word for each. 

@BigBadWolf - Thank you for your input. I read the link you posted and it was very helpful. It really helps to have these kinds of things spelled out like that, I have not experienced anything even remotely as tramatic and had no idea how she might disassociate rape from sex and how she would feel in regards to it. To hear it said plainly helps a lot, and your advice in that posts fits with what she has shared with me.




Onto a partial resolution. Thanks again for your help. The other day we some fairly mind-blowing sex(the kind that keeps you in a chill, happy, unaffected by the world around you kind of feeling for two days straight) and I felt more comfortable being a bit more rough then usual. 

Thanks again


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

It's a process learning the dominant thing. I'd suggest looking at Taken In Hand together. It's got a lot of variety in that website, it's not all going to work for you both, but if only some of it does, then you're better off.

My wife's safeword is "Dershowitz & Feinstein".


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

going_crazy said:


> Thanks for the advice. A safeword seems like a very good idea at this point. I mentioned it to her the other day, at first she thought I meant a safeword to let each other know that we want whoever is over to leave because we are frakkin horny :smthumbup:, and we agreed on coming up with a word for each.
> 
> @BigBadWolf - Thank you for your input. I read the link you posted and it was very helpful. It really helps to have these kinds of things spelled out like that, I have not experienced anything even remotely as tramatic and had no idea how she might disassociate rape from sex and how she would feel in regards to it. To hear it said plainly helps a lot, and your advice in that posts fits with what she has shared with me.
> 
> ...


It is heartening to see this good news.


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