# 3 Months since D day and I'm still struggling.



## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

Below is my original story which I posted about 3 months ago. My wife and I are still together and she is trying desperately to make things right between us but I am having major troubles forgiving her and moving on, I suspect this is normal. Things are certainly better than they were but I still find myself polarized by thoughts of them together. I'm over the angry stage now and just feel numb when we talk about her affair, we have been to councilling separately and together and that seems to have worked well. One of my main issues is she just can't / won't give me a reason why the affair happened, she says she doesn't know why it happened. I genuinely think she is remorseful for what she has done and whilst part of me wants to put this behind us and move on I just can't do it. I may be old fashioned but when it comes to marriage you just don't get to see if the grass is greener and if it's not decide to come back without any fallout. Would appreciate your thoughts? 

Also thanks so much to everyone who sent replies originally. 

A few years ago my wife and I met a couple who were new to our area, they had kids as do my wife and I. From the moment I met the husband there was something about him which made me uncomfortable but my wife was keen to build the friendship despite my concerns. We holidayed with this family and regularly socialized with them. The husband coached our son in baseball and my wife became very close to the other wife. 
We have been married for 17 years and I thought we had a very strong bond, as with most families we were always very busy with kids, work etc etc. My wife and I are very social as were this other couple and blind freddy could see the connection between my wife and the other husband. The other couple were having some marriage (surprise surprise) and financial problems at the time and the other wife confided in my wife about their issues, my wife provided a shoulder to cry on and told her she needed to fight for her marriage. After every social event or party we would fight about her flirting and she would yell and scream about how I didn't trust her, what was my problem, I was anti social etc etc. She agreed for the sake of our marriage to cool the relationship with this couple. My wife handled all the household finances but one day I opened a phone bill, in a one month period there were about 100 texts and phone calls to this guys mobile number, her explanation was that she had caught him having coffee with another woman and he admitted to having an affair and my wife was helping him through it. I didn't believe this BS for a minute but I had no proof, she agreed to no further contact. 
Fast forward 8 months and the other wife through her own investigations was able to find proof that infact my wife and her husband were having the affair and had been for about 18 months, she told my wife that if she didn't tell me about the affair then she would, my wife woke me before work one morning at 4.30am and admitted to the affair, she admitted to meeting him in a motel on a "few" occasions which I later found out was about 15 times. She used the old line that she wasn't in a good place at the time and he said all the right things, all the usual justifications. Looking back over the last 18 months it's clear my wife ran two very separate lives, she told lie after lie to protect the affair. Given the lies and way she treated the other wife all her female friends have deserted her.
This guy is a showman and a con and I believe that he sweet talked my wife into bed and she was just sucked in by the whole thing, which doesn't make it any better, she still was able to run a very devious double life. She is very remorseful and is doing everything to put things right but I don't think I can put this behind us, there are too many grubby branches of the affair that I just can't get past. This person who I trusted and confided in for 17 years has committed the ultimate betrayal, I just don't trust her anymore, she admits she was sucked in but it just doesn't cut it. 15 meetings in a motel room in my books doesn't constitute a mistake or a lapse in judgement. 
Initially I thought that I might have been part of the initial problem but I have convinced myself that nothing about this was my fault, I am a good honest husband,father and provider. If there wa a problem she should have talked to me, communication has never been a problem, or so I thought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Only you can decide what to do. 3 months is a tiny blip in time and nobody heals from this level of betrayal in that short a time. If you ever fully recover it will take years.

Frankly, there is no way I could stay married to my wife if I found out she slept with another man that many times, told that many lies, over that long a period of time. No chance. And we've been married about the same amount of time you have. 

I'm not saying you should divorce, but I would in your shoes. The trust would never return. 

Whatever you decide is completely on you and nobody here, myself included, can make that decision for you. Every couple is different, every man and woman have different tolerance levels. But I will say your feelings are completely normal. My wife had an emotional affair (EA) of just a couple of months - it was a strong one, but I caught it quickly. I am 14 months out and I still struggle with it. But it's better than it was at 3 months.

Do you know for sure the affair is over? What is your wife doing to try to keep you?


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## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Only you can decide what to do. 3 months is a tiny blip in time and nobody heals from this level of betrayal in that short a time. If you ever fully recover it will take years.
> 
> Frankly, there is no way I could stay married to my wife if I found out she slept with another man that many times, told that many lies, over that long a period of time. No chance. And we've been married about the same amount of time you have.
> 
> ...


I'd love to say I'm 100% sure the contact is over and I'm sure it is but I just don't trust her at all. In terms of what is she doing to keep me, honestly she is doing everything possible, but she's starting from a pretty low base, honestly things were fairly ordinary for a few weeks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

I am 11 months in from the last D-day. Yes last D-day there were a few. And I am still no where near recovered. Struggling still to this day. This takes time. I dont know how long it will take or if I will stay. Yes I am undecided as of now still. Thats my point months from now you have no idea how you will feel or how it will be. But one thing I can tell you it TAKES TIME.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

And I still have the days were I think I wonder if its still going on, I wonder if there is another one. ETC... 

One thing I have figured out. It is a roller coaster of emotions. One day you feel like it fine you going to make it, you love her, its all in the past.the next day you be like, what am I doing, she cheated, I dont trust her, I want ever trust her.. It is normal to bounce back and forth in the emotinal department. Its not pretty its not fun. But it is Normal...


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## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> And I still have the days were I think I wonder if its still going on, I wonder if there is another one. ETC...
> 
> One thing I have figured out. It is a roller coaster of emotions. One day you feel like it fine you going to make it, you love her, its all in the past.the next day you be like, what am I doing, she cheated, I dont trust her, I want ever trust her.. It is normal to bounce back and forth in the emotinal department. Its not pretty its not fun. But it is Normal...


I hear what your saying, I can be ok and then a thought, a memory, something on TV is enough to redirect my line of thinking. Honestly it's the sex thing that I don't cope with, it's a game changer in my opinion, the thought of her with someone else just tears me apart. We have been married 17 years and I said to my wife the other day, even after all the countless good times we've had if someone could have told me that you would do this to me and this would be the outcome I wound have never married you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

The experience of 18+ months with another lover must have now been imprinted into her mind. There's no way to remove that from her head. There's always a part of her that will cherish the memories she had with her lover.

I note that the affair was only ended when she was caught. So, it was not like her relationship with her lover was so bad and distasteful that she could not stand it and left.

Your wife is old enough to be responsible for her affair, so I wouldnt blame the OM.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Lmodel said:


> I hear what your saying, I can be ok and then a thought, a memory, something on TV is enough to redirect my line of thinking. Honestly it's the sex thing that I don't cope with, it's a game changer in my opinion, the thought of her with someone else just tears me apart. We have been married 17 years and I said to my wife the other day, even after all the countless good times we've had if someone could have told me that you would do this to me and *this would be the outcome I wound have never married you.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So, why are you now still married? Kids?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Two things strike out, her not knowing why the affair happened and she was blackmailed to confess the affair. It wouldn't be too far fetched to think soon she'll go back to her old habits.

This is just my opinion, as a betrayed spouse that divorced without giving a chance to R, I dont think she deserves a second chance due to the length, closeness of the affair partner, rubbing it on your face by playing the "you don't trust me" card and others. Can you ever meet new people without fearing your wife involving in another affair? Are you ready to be paranoid for the rest of your life whether your wife is at another motel? And on....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Not to pour unwanted salt into any wounds here,
but 15 times over an 18 mo time span?

That number seems extremely low.

I'd investigate that further if I were you.

My fWW and OM ripped off 10 encounters in a 2-1/2 mo span.
(while continuing to have sex with me)


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Lmodel said:


> I'd love to say I'm 100% sure the contact is over and I'm sure it is but I just don't trust her at all. In terms of what is she doing to keep me, honestly she is doing everything possible, but she's starting from a pretty low base, honestly things were fairly ordinary for a few weeks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can you please tell us what you're doing on your end to verify that she's maintained NC? You never explained in your original thread. Have you installed keyloggers and VARs? You see, verification is not only essential for verifying NC, it helps your peace of mind. Instead of guessing or depending on her word, you're able to verify for yourself that she's maintained NC and that the affair is over. 

Also is she willingly being transparent?

From your post, it looks like you never actually spoke with the OMW, only that your WW admitted it to you before the OMW exposed the affair to you. How do you know what other evidence the OMW has?


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

cantthinkstraight said:


> Not to pour unwanted salt into any wounds here,
> but 15 times over an 18 mo time span?
> 
> That number seems extremely low.
> ...


This seems logical, but then again He knows she slept with another man. I doubt if he really needs to know the exact amount of times it happened. The point is it happened. He is 3 months in and I am 11 and he knows more than I do. Mine still holds on to the we were just freinds theory. I on the other hand just dont beleive it was an EA and Not PA...

If he is in it for R than what I am trying to tell him is. 3 months isnt long enough for it to be just over. The wound is to deep, it is likely gonna just heal with a bandaid....

And I can tell him this much, the emotional roller coaster ride is a living night mare. Its enough to make you think your loosing your mind somtimes. And just go into a room shut the door and scream at the top of your lungs what the He** did she/he have to do this for. Then you can walk back out the door look at your spouse and say. OH BUT I LOVE THEM we can get through this.. Really its that bad at times..


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Lmodel said:


> I hear what your saying, I can be ok and then a thought, a memory, something on TV is enough to redirect my line of thinking. Honestly it's the sex thing that I don't cope with, it's a game changer in my opinion, the thought of her with someone else just tears me apart. We have been married 17 years and I said to my wife the other day, even after all the countless good times we've had if someone could have told me that you would do this to me and this would be the outcome I wound have never married you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


TRIGGERS.. yep them TRIGGERS they are He** to..


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

D her a** now. All that screaming at you and not trusting her, you being anti social, and YET, it took the APW to bring it all to a stop. So, she would still be saying and doing the same thing. DAMN right she remorseful now. her standard of living and the only friend she has left, YOU, could be gone too. If not for the APW, the lying ,screaming, accusing, screwing would still be going on. 

Think about that.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Bottom line, she's not remorseful, you won't heal if you stay with her accepting the current situation on the home front.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

18 months of screwing on your back and three months into R is not a long time, as per experts it will take another 2.5 to 5yrs. But even after 5 yrs you cant walk with her without looking over the shoulder for rest of your life.

Did you talked to the OMW? if not why? She was the person who helped you and treated you like a human being. You should hear her version of the story. Then the number of encounter may rocket up to many folds. The venue may shift from hotel to your or their home. So talk to her.

Are you sure that the A is over? They may be lying low till you get over it. 18months A is not easy for anyone to forget in 3 months.

Did you installed the keylogger and VAR? She is a heartless liar, so trust only what you can verify.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She betrayed both her best friend and husband, gaslighted her H during the affair, lied, still lying and won't answer some questions. 

I don't see why you can trust this person again. She is back because she has no other option. Have you exposed her to family and friends?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Lmodel,

Time.

Time is your friend. She took 18 months of lies and sex. So take 18 months to decide if she is worthy enough to R with. Or to D.

You have wounds that need to heal and you feel she cannot be trusted. I do not blame you.

Just give it time. And your wife needs to go to a therapist to find out the why? She owes that to you and herself.

Also, have you ever asked her to leave the home? Have you asked your families for help?


HM64


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> *She betrayed both her best friend and husband, gaslighted her H during the affair, lied, still lying and won't answer some questions. *
> 
> I don't see why you can trust this person again. She is back because she has no other option. Have you exposed her to family and friends?


she could sell her story to Cosmopolitan.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

What are you doing to verify NC?

You need to contact OMW and verify what WW told you and OMW knows to happened.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Lmodel said:


> We have been married 17 years and I said to my wife the other day, even after all the countless good times we've had if someone could have told me that you would do this to me and this would be the outcome I wound have never married you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What did she say when you told her this?


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

I am 15 months past DD now. It gets easier and the mood swings gets less frequent and not as intense. But 3 months out is really nothing.

If you choose R, it will impact your relationship for the rest of your life. There will always be a shadow of doubt about her feelings and motives.

So just remember, you don't need to make any definite decissions for yourself, and live your life day by day.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I genuinely think she is remorseful for what she has done


Guilt or regret isn't remorse. She even fought with you for the affair, remember? So it wasn't something she did in secret. I was in you face. She is just caught and has no one else to turn to. Even her friends deserted her.

Have you exposed to friends and family?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Lmodel said:


> This guy is a showman and a con and I believe that he sweet talked my wife into bed and she was just sucked in by the whole thing, which doesn't make it any better, she still was able to run a very devious double life. She is very remorseful and is doing everything to put things right but I don't think I can put this behind us, there are too many grubby branches of the affair that I just can't get past. This person who I trusted and confided in for 17 years has committed the ultimate betrayal, I just don't trust her anymore,


First of all it is really sick that your wife was friends with the wife of her affair partner and able to socialize and act okay. 

This is really a slap in the face from both cheaters to their spouses. 

I read that these types of cheaters are turned on by the fact that their spouses are unaware of the affair going on right under their noses. It is part of the sick thrill. Ugh. I, too, feel marriage vows are to be respected, not thrown away for some cheap sexual thrill. Ugh.

In any case, you need to stop thinking that the OM sweet talked her into it. She wanted it. 

In my case, the OW who was a married serial cheater, was the one who contacted my spouse first. 

She also was the one pushing for sex 

I saw all the emails, read some of the texts and heard voice mails. 

The OW would call him and talk about how hot and ready she was and waiting for him with no underwear on, and she just pushed and pushed for sex. 

However, when outed she lied to her husband and said my spouse chased her. Not true, based on the information I read and heard. My STBEH was more that willing, but she was the pursuer.
So, don't believe it if your wife says she was coerced. Most likely she was the coercer. 

Men have to worry about a sexual harassment of rape charge, so many times they wait for the woman to make the first move. 

This woman had a voracious sexual appetite according to the information I saw. 

She was into threesomes, "girl/girl stuff" to use her own words, and one nighters, and her poor unsuspecting husband hadn't a clue until recently.

She was a sexual piggy too my mind.


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