# I need to decide whether to walk away or try for reconciliation



## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

Hello,

My boyfriend and I started dating around summer 2018. The first six months were fun, and it was obviously a naturally great connection, but after 4 or 5 months it became difficult because he had "commitment" issues. He wasn't running around or anything and he was loving, consistent and kind but I could sense he was always holding back emotionally and that I was at arms length. 

I ended it in December 2018 and we split for a few weeks before he came to me and said he knew he had some issues, but he'd do whatever to be the best boyfriend possible if I would give him another chance because he just couldn't picture being happy without me.

So we got back together in January 2018.

After that, he was different. Much more emotionally intimate, much more "committed" in terms of the way he spoke and how he acted about things. He included me much more in his life, he was less secretive, he made an effort, and we fell more deeply in love and started to enjoy a normal "couple" life where his commitment issues seemed to be slowly fading naturally without any drama. We started talking about getting a place together.

It's relevant to say at this point that we both have a grown teenage child, so "starting a family" wasn't on the agenda, and what I wanted was a deep love and shared life. I felt sure we had found that.

Then in July 2018, he came to me and told me he had been offered a promotion, a really great opportunity, but the catch was that it was 4000 miles away in a pretty remote location and that I would only be able to spend two months a year with him.

I was devastated. Devastated that he was even considering it. I thought he was running away from having a future with me. He said he wouldn't go if I couldn't cope with it, but he really wanted to go because he said it would set us up financially and give us a better future. I could see part of him wanted the adventure and I knew that before he met me he'd led a really boring, trapped life and I wanted him to have all his dreams.

So I said, yes. And I agreed to wait. I was still depressed about it though and I was worried his commitment issues would worsen when he was isolated from me physically for so long but after he left, we did really well at long distance. We had "dates", we talked constantly, we got closer emotionally and we missed each other so much.

He was due to come home for his first "break" this summer and we were so excited, but the pandemic hit just before and he was quarantined. It would have been extremely difficult to get home. Due to the location he needed to fly through two countries on complete lockdown on layovers and they weren't accepting passengers. It was all very complicated so we decided to ride it out.

Then last week, some woman called me, drunk and told me she had been having an affair with him. Shocked is an understatement. It transpires basically that she was his next door neighbour, and she was interested in him romantically and had been "popping over" a lot. It ended in drunken sex, that was repeated a few times over the past few months but he had repeatedly told her he didn't want to see her anymore but she took it badly and started threatening suicide, and to call me and tell me everything, and the police got involved because she was harassing him.

So she did google me and called and told me. After I knew, she kept on messaging me and I asked her to please leave me alone to grieve. 

He admitted it, and I ended the relationship.

I felt SO betrayed that he did this. Mostly because he asked me to commit to him fully by "waiting" and he obviously wasn't "fully" committed to me. I will admit I thought he was withdrawn emotionally but I never thought he would be unfaithful.

His reaction from there has been quite monumental and has shocked me. He hasn't stopped crying (he never showed any emotion before). He has written letters, sent gifts, apologised profusely. He said he was completely isolated and feeling alone and he was drunk and she wouldn't stop chasing him. He said he told her so many times that he loved and he just wanted to hang out as friends, but she was manipulative, he agrees it's not an excuse but he wants me to know he never had any feeling for her.

He's now entered into therapy (I am amazed he took this step) and is at home every night alone reading books on commitment issues and attachment because he has vowed to fix himself for me because he loves me so much and can't believe he has ruined everything.

He says the pain of seeing me in pain is much worse than the pain of losing me. He says he realised he WAS running away and should never have gotten on that plane. He's now also resigned the job and is coming home soon. He says nothing, not money or jobs or anything could ever matter more than me and he is so sorry he didn't see that.

She then started harrassing me, sending crazy messages, trying to get on my social media and basically won't leave me alone. I have blocked her on everything. I think she's unhinged to be honest. I was nice at first, but now she is seeming like Fatal Attraction.

I am lost in myself. On the one hand, I still love him and I believe his story and I understand 14 months is a long time and under quarantine it's very lonely. I just can't forgive him. I can't believe he hurt me this way.

I am glad he is FINALLY getting help with his commitment problems, but I feel like he realised all this too late. I don't know how to repair the damage.

I have invested three years into this. I know it's not easy to find someone you love. I am told I am still young, still beautiful, still free and I can find a new life. The idea feels exhausting. 

Some friends are telling me to block him and never speak to him again and to move onto someone who treated me better from day one.

Other friends (and my therapist) are telling me that this was a wrecking ball that came along as a blessing in disguise to make this man finally address his problems and that if we work through it I might end up with everything.

I just find it hard right now. I am so angry, so sad, so confused. He is taking all of it. He says he wants to take as much anger as I have and he deserves it. He will do anything, whatever I ask.

I am just sad he didn't do it before.

He's a good man, who's done a bad thing. But can you ever find happiness after these things?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He cheated because he was lonely. You were lonely, but you did not cheat.

I would suggest that you might considered marital counselling in order to see if your therapist and friend are correct. Could your relationship be saved? Possibly. But he has let you down twice so far.

Could he go for a trifecta of bad behaviour? Possibly, possibly not.

How does your child figure in this? Is your boyfriend the parent?

How old are you and your boyfriend?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Colette2 said:


> Hello,
> 
> My boyfriend and I started dating around summer 2018. The first six months were fun, and it was obviously a naturally great connection, but after 4 or 5 months it became difficult because he had "commitment" issues. He wasn't running around or anything and he was loving, consistent and kind but I could sense he was always holding back emotionally and that I was at arms length.
> 
> ...


He is a boyfriend, not a husband. You shouldn't be having problems like this in this type of relationship, so early on. I can understand if you want to reconcile in a marriage, but not this. You're not committed like that. Obviously he can't handle being alone b/c he cheated, more than once with the same crazy woman. Think about what might happen in the future, if you did get married, and the stress piles on. I'd think he'd cheat again and use the excuse that he is emotionally unavailable...This is already two strikes. He clearly can't be committed and shouldn't be. Why does he keep trying to be something he is not? You seem like a good woman. I would let it go and move on, as hard as it might be for you. Be strong.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Colette2 It's possible your boyfriend went into white knight syndrome and tried to 'help' his neighbour who decided he would be a good mark for her claws.

You can save this relationship but you need to look at it from the sunk cost analysis point of view. Business writer and cartoonist Scott Adams describes it this way:-

"22. UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT OF SUNK COSTS
Example: We’ve spent millions developing a water-powered pogo stick. We can’t stop investing now or it will all be wasted."




__





Dilbert's Logical Fallacies






www.leany.com


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How did his crazy neighbor know who you are? Because he told her. Let that sink in.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What I dont get is that he was supposed to be in some very remote location which apparently prevented you from living there, yet he had this next door neighbour who he was cheating with. So clearly not that remote. Doesnt make sense. He probably lied to her by saying he was single, so he has deeply hurt both of you and lied to both of you.
You are not married, he has already cheated many times with this woman. I have no idea why you would want to be with a man who has already shown you what he is like, someone who cant be trusted. Someone who took a job where he would rarely see you. Someone who has no moral values or self control. How could you ever trust him again? In marriage there are good and bad times, is he going to cheat again if you go through a bad patch, if he feels lonely again? Give him up and find a good faithful man with character and strong values.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

First off, you need a new therapist. Any therapist who tries to downplay cheating as a "blessing in disguise" needs to go. 

Secondly, STOP making excuses for him! And stop believing his excuses. Quarantine and lonliness did not make him cheat, he made himself cheat. You are also in this pandemic, right? Did you cheat? This other woman did not make him cheat, he chose to cheat with her. Several times! He slept with her because he wanted to, end of story. If she was so horrible and manipulative, then he could have cut her off and called the cops when she started harassing him BEFORE he ****ed her - not after. 

When did your BF plan on admitting his infidelity to you? He was caught, he didn't confess, and that doesn't look good on him. Even when he knew this woman could tell you he _still _didn't want to come clean and talk to you first.

What happened during the break up of December 2018 that resulted in your BF being much more emotionally intimate, much more committed, etc.? People don't just make changes like that overnight, and it was obviously an act because Mr. Much More Committed wasn't so committed after all. I have a feeling he slept with someone during that breakup, and felt guilty for it - just like he does now. The "changes" were an act. Maybe he finally ****ed up enough the get help, but will those changes last? No one knows. 

When your BF took the new job, what was the end goal? Did he have a plan for how long he was going to stay in that job, or was he leaving it up in the air? Would you ever have had a normal relationship again? What about the teenage child? Were they college-age or younger and he ditched them too?

You say your BF has been crying all the time, doing all this therapy, etc. He's 4,000 miles away... How do you know he's doing what he's saying and acting the way he's saying? 



> Can you ever find happiness after these things?


Yes, you can find happiness and you can work through this. It does take work though, it has to be something that you actually want, and there are no guarantees. It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. That is longer than your relationship. Is it worth it to you?

You don't ever get over cheating and you will never forget it. It's more like learning to live with it and accepting that the past is what it is and that it cannot be changed. It does get better though. For me, it took almost two years to start feeling better than I had been.

After my wife cheated, for a while I felt like the only thing keeping me around was her doing everything right when so many cheaters don't get anywhere close to that. You can't stay together just because he's doing everything right, though. That's like staying together out of guilt. Take him and his actions out of the equation for a moment. What do YOU really want?


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Unfortunately, the other posters are correct. You could work through this issue but it will read its ugly head every time he goes out of town or has an activity without you. It is so hard to repair broken trust, and three years really isn’t that long.

This relationship seems like a learning experience for both of you. You are learning your value and choosing your self worth over fear of starting over. Your ex boyfriend is learning consequences of being detached and infidelity. You both will come out better for it, but it doesn’t seem like you two can move on and have a healthy relationship without a doubt ration of trust.


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

Thanks everybody.

We're in our early 40s.

We have teenage kids (his 18, mine 16) but no kids together.

The place is extremely remote, it's an island with only a military base and nothing else. She is also military so they are both locked there together in a place with very few other people.

I know he is doing the therapy because he organised it through MY therapist and she got someone in her practice to do it via Zoom. 

I went out this morning for a walk in the forest and ended up being out there for 6 hours just walking and thinking. I believe he does love me, I believe she means nothing to him, I believe he wants to fix it, I believe he'd never do it again, I believe he will regret it for a very long time (if not forever) and I believe we were really good together and lost a lot.

I also believe that I can't ever get over this. I just won't be able to accept that for those times, no matter how little it meant to him, that he was capable of pushing me out of his mind for something so meaningless. I won't ever be able to accept him causing me this much pain.

I don't want to try, because that means investing more of my time, when I already invested too much. 

It doesn't mean it's not sad though. I don't feel like a Beyonce song or anything. I just feel a lot of sorrow. I am bummed that anyone would do this. People should appreciate what they have much more than they do.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Colette2 said:


> Thanks everybody.
> 
> We're in our early 40s.
> 
> ...


All valid points. He should have made the decision to be near you if he was so committed. And you, being the selfless person that you are, wanted him to follow his dreams. And it comes back to kick us in the butt. It's funny how life works. Sometimes in a relationship, and I hate that it works like this, but it's true, you have to put yourself first; if someone wants to make you their priority, they will. The end of a relationship WILL be sad for a time of course, but time helps little by little. This is a better option than being in a relationship, sad and overthinking...Not good for your health or sanity.


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

Yes. I'm not 20. I know we eventually get over everything and we are happy again. It is just tiring to have to start over


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

There are literally billions of men in the world, why would you stay with one that you know has the ability to lie to you like he did.

Consider yourself lucky as he has shown his cards to you early into your relationship with him.

Note that this was not a one time drunken mistake, he repeatedly decided to have sex with her, likely within hours of talking to you and pulling the wool over your eyes. He has no problem being deceptive to someone he supposedly loves.

I think the only reason a person would consider taking someone like this back is that person lacks the internal confidence to find someone better. You should think hard about that.

History is the best indicator of future behavior.

Once a cheater, always a cheater.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Colette2 said:


> Yes. I'm not 20. I know we eventually get over everything and we are happy again. It is just tiring to have to start over


Of course, but it's YOUR life, and you should get as much joy out of it as you can. Who wants to be 40 something dealing with these childish things (his childish actions)?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Report her harassing you to her commanding officer. She needs help.

eta: that blessing in disguise is utter BS.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I can't get past the first half of this where he asked you to wait for him while he went across the world and had an affair. You're putting too much emphasis on how this wasn't a good situation for him and you're making excuses for him as if he's the victim here. He may well have banged the wrong nut case, but that doesn't make him the victim between the two of you. 

Men who are not in the same town and see no way they're likely to get caught will more often than not take an opportunity for sex if it's presented to them, in my observation over many years. 

What you need to do is end your commitment with him asap and begin dating other guys. You can leave him hanging if you want to, but do not give up your autonomy for this guy. He moved 4000 miles away and then he banged a random nutcase. How great can he really be? How committed is he even capable of being judging by what you know? Not at all. He wasn't at the beginning and he isn't now. 

Tell him you're not waiting and date other guys. Get on with your life. Chances are he will never be back there to where you live again. He'll get mixed up with someone or something.

You're hoping he'll turn into someone he is NOT.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Better to start over now than later. I had a slightly different situation but still similar. At the time I was a few years younger than you and so much was invested in my long marriage. He swore it would never happen again, wanted to save the marriage at any cost, blah, blah, blah, so against my better judgment I stayed. Much later, it did happen again. That time I finally got out. My only regret? That I didn’t get out the first time when I knew I should.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I can't get past the first half of this where he asked you to wait for him while he went across the world and had an affair. You're putting too much emphasis on how this wasn't a good situation for him and you're making excuses for him as if he's the victim here. He may well have banged the wrong nut case, but that doesn't make him the victim between the two of you.


^^^ Fully Agree ^^^


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

I would like you to do something that helped me immensely. Sit down and write out 10 to 20 qualities of a man that you would find as important to being your “one”. The one you could spend your life with and makes you feel respected and loved as a woman. Not qualities that are “acceptable” or with faults that are “ok I can deal” but REALLY assess your worth and write yourself a list of qualities of a MAN who if he did these these things would make you feel adored and loved.
Now, take this list and tell me if any of the following are on it:
1. Commitment issues
2. Coming around to be a “better person” , only after sh!t hits the fan
3. Making you feel abandoned
4. Choosing a life 4000 miles away rather than you, even considering it.
5. Casual sex with next door neighbors who are psychotic stalkers 
6. Telling psychotic stalkers about you and giving them your name. 

He can do all the work in the world, but he can’t change that above list. What is your worth? This is what my IC told me to do, and I suspect she knew this list would make me face my greatest fears.
That I settled for less than my worth for years and excused it away. That I’ve acted from fear and loneliness and longing for a fantasy rather than reality, the person he’d been showing me he was from the get go. And honestly, I think my husband is a good person, he has kindness and generosity and charm, but he is not a good husband. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. He can work on his own issues on his own time. I’m worth more.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Boyfriend & Cheated, should always mean move on. Dating is a test right? It's to see if this person is worthy of being more then a boyfriend. He failed, spectacularly. These threads are littered with people who had this happened, forgave, still married and the cheater followed the same patter years later. But now they have a house and kids and they are stuck with this duplicitous person for the rest of their lives. But so is their children because this person is now their father. Not to mention their immediate family and all their friends.

What you need to understand is people don't cheat because they are lonely, if that were the case everyone who was lonely would cheat. People cheat because they have poor character, and very often cheating is in their nature. Which means they will always struggle with this. Poor character effects every aspect of their like and by extension it will effect yours.

It will be painful for a short period of time, but your future life and your future kids will be better for it. 

You have been given a gift, which you will realize, you know before it's too late.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Colette2 said:


> I also believe that I can't ever get over this


I'm really sorry, but I think that's your answer


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I'm thinking maybe your 2018 and 2019's may be a bit mixed up in your timeline?

Doesn't matter. FIRST he 'changed' for you--sorta. THEN he 'changed' for her--but blamed her. (****ed her because she insisted? when he only wanted to be friends?) NOW he is 'changing' again for you. But also trying to manipulate you again by his professed changing. Glad you took that walk. Glad you realize he is NOT the person you thought he was--that was your decision? Stick to it.

BTW: You are setting an example for two teenagers by your actions.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Colette2 said:


> Thanks everybody.
> 
> We're in our early 40s.
> 
> ...


Cheaters always say it didnt mean anything. I always want to say well if it didnt mean anything why did you do it.


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

The advice to write a list is really good advice. I will do that. I think I need to settle myself down so I can think straight. I'm not sleeping well or eating much and I keep having to run or hike because it's the only thing that keeps the overwhelming anger and sadness under control. It's still very fresh.

I'm going to get some sleep. Thanks everybody for the advice.


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

That paragraph barely made sense. Sorry, I am so tired and strung out.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Colette/Kate, I hope you find what works for you. Good luck.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Colette2 said:



His reaction from there has been quite monumental and has shocked me. He hasn't stopped crying (he never showed any emotion before). He has written letters, sent gifts, apologised profusely. He said he was completely isolated and feeling alone and he was drunk and she wouldn't stop chasing him.

Click to expand...

*I'm guessing you don't read infidelity boards often, or you'd see this bull-**** is SO cliche it isn't even funny.

Let's see...he's crying up a storm "even though he's not the emotional type" (which is what all women say about their crying cheaters)...*check*. He's written you letters....*check*. He's sent gifts....*check. *He's apologized a million and one times...*check*.

And he's using the biggest cliche cheater story OUT there - he was drunk and she "manipulated him" into doing it. Not only that, but amazingly enough, she's telepathic! She always just _knew _when he was drunk and would run over there to "take advantage." of this poor, innocent victim..... again.

Because you know, she's so *manipulative*.

Why, he's practically a VICTIM, don'tcha know? 🙄 🙄 🙄

Lady, there ain't NUTHIN' he's said or done to placate you that millions and millions of other cheaters before him haven't said or done. It's like they all read from the same script. He's not unique in ANY way. Not in any way.

The guy is a walking CLICHE.



> *He said he told her so many times that he loved and he just wanted to hang out as friends, but she was manipulative, he agrees it's not an excuse but he wants me to know he never had any feeling for her.*


So that means Mr. Wonderful will literally screw any woman who makes herself available to him, whether he 'likes' her or not. You got yourself a real prince, there.

*



He's now entered into therapy (I am amazed he took this step) and is at home every night alone reading books on commitment issues and attachment because he has vowed to fix himself for me because he loves me so much and can't believe he has ruined everything.

Click to expand...

*LOL. You'll forgive me for laughing but this is yet just ANOTHER bone cheaters throw their betrayed spouses - claiming they're going to therapy. Unless he brings his phone in and FaceTimes you during a small segment of time during his supposed 'therapy sessions,' then it didn't happen. I'm voting his therapy story is jut another boatload of bull like the rest of it.

You see, he wants you to think that it *wasn't* really his genitals that drove him to do this (trust me, it *was*). No, he wants you to believe that some kind of personality trait or mental block or character flaw or emotional disorder 'made' him do it. That way, you can feel good about how it was something ELSE that drove him to do what he did. But even my dog knows exactly why the guy did what he did. Let's not kid ourselves. He did it because it was an opporunity for him to get laid, and THAT'S why he did it.

*



He says the pain of seeing me in pain is much worse than the pain of losing me. He says he realised he WAS running away and should never have gotten on that plane. He's now also resigned the job and is coming home soon. He says nothing, not money or jobs or anything could ever matter more than me and he is so sorry he didn't see that.

Click to expand...

*The guy showed you EXACTLY who he is. And EXACTLY who he is, is someone who'll jump all over any opportunity that falls into his lap. Over and over and over and over and over and over.

*



Other friends (and my therapist) are telling me that this was a wrecking ball that came along as a blessing in disguise to make this man finally address his problems and that if we work through it I might end up with everything.

Click to expand...

*So him screwing around on you and* DISRESPECTING* you and lying to you - over and over and over and over - was a "blessing in disguise," is that it?

And some *quack therapist* is saying that as well? Good lord.

Demand a refund from your so-called therapist. She's an idiot.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

-You will never trust him again 100%. That insecurity will be with you always no matter how much he promises. 
-This was his 2nd chance & he cheated... OMG, what a slap in the face, he couldn’t have done worse. 
-It hurts a LOT ripping the bandaid off. 
-When you start regretting you left (you will), remember he slept with another woman & picture that. Sometimes it’s actually good to replay the video in our minds. It reminds us that leaving was an excellent decision. 
-Being single again seems like a heavy weight but atm you are very fragile emotionally (all down to him btw). Being single is way easier than trying to rebuild a relationship with a cheater. 
It’s not your fault. 
You gave your all. 
He didn’t - by any stretch of the imagination.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I guess @Colette2 won’t be back cause she don’t want to hear the cold hard facts. Better luck over in Survivinginfidelity I guess.


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