# Partner Having an Emotional Affair



## Mark656 (Mar 31, 2020)

Hi,

I wanted some impartial advice on my situation.

I have been with my partner for 7 years. We have 2 young children together and were due to get married in 6 months.

She told me 2 weeks ago she had kissed a work college during a work night out. They then exchanged text meaasages for a week or so and she started to develop feelings for him. She then arranged to meet him to put a stop to it and ended up kissing him again.

She told me about it all (I didn't catch her) and she was very regretful. She went around to my mum and sisters houses and apologies profusely.

I struggled to deal with it and gave her a hard time over the following week.

I then caught her messaging him again behind my back.

I insisted that she delete his number, which she did, but then I found his number written down in her coat pocket.

Since then I've moved out and we have been sharing the kids since.

I have also cancelled the wedding and most of the guests know what she has done.

She insists she doesn't ant to be with this guy and she really misses his friendship.

She says shes got feelings for him and she doesn't know what to do with them. I keep telling her shes got to just block him out of her life, but shes not willing to do that but shes trying to figure it out and get over them.

She insists she still loves me but she's really confused and depressed (she has a tendency to get down a lot)

I've said that as long as you are till in contact with this man then we are not going to work. He's a young guy who just wants 1 thing. No way will he stick about and look after her.

I find myself constantly checking her phone and worrying that she is messaging him.

Plus I seem to be the one trying to get over this more than what she is. Surely she should be the one pleading with me to get through this.

I still love her and I desperately want to keep our family together for our kids.

Am I being a total doormat here? Should I just leave her? If I do I know she will just go running to him and if they sleep together there will be no way back for us after that.

I have family to talk to but I would like some advice from people with no alliances.

Thanks in advance..


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Mark656 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I wanted some impartial advice on my situation.
> 
> ...


Your dodging a bullet of marriage, leave and be responsible for your children. You understand marriage isn't a Chasity belt. It's just more to deal with, cut your losses. Make arrangements to provide for your kids. Move on,!


----------



## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I'm sorry you're here. First, you are not responsible for her decision to become involved with the OM. Every relationship has problems and everyone has personal issues - however, she chose to cheat.

Is the OM married? If so, expose the affair to his spouse or girlfriend or finance. Why? because they are your best ally to break them up.

Were there any warning signs or changes in her behavior prior to her confession? l'm sorry to say this but: it's likely that even though she confessed out of guilt - she's minimizing and withholding details. 

Studies of couples that experienced infidelity show that the 'kiss' was the very last boundary that once crossed then the next step is sex. It's likely the second kiss was more than just a kiss.

Basically, she has to choose between you and the OM. There is no middle ground. 

The most effective initial response to protect yourself (and save your relationship if that’s what you want) is the same whether you ultimately decide to by R or Break-up. First, in order to be taken seriously they must believe that you are prepared to break up (bluff if necessary). If you offer R immediately, it's viewed as weakness and a free pass to repeat.

Insist on NO CONTACT (NC) with the AP. This is non-negotiable. Change jobs or move to another city if necessary. Every time they see each other or speak the mental affair fantasy continues. Once a friendship has been romanticized or sexualized there must be no further contact.

Insist that she write up a detailed timeline (what, when, where, topics discussed) of her relationship with the OM - subject to a polygraph test. Why? ? First, psychologically writing it all down converts their romantic memories of the affair into the ugly reality of betrayal/infidelity. Second, you can’t forgive or truly grant the gift of R until you know what happened. Third, the prospect of a polygraph saves time.

Do not do the "Pick Me Dance" or cry or beg (or respond to their outrage & counter attacks). It doesn’t work (just the opposite). Experience shows that you’ll be viewed as ‘weak’. In their current state of mind, weakness is interpreted as a free pass to continue the affair. 

Both get tested for STDs. This not only protects you but sends a serious message.

Read up on the 180. Stop being her buddy and listening to her problems ... and consider having her sleep on the couch. If your response 'pushes her away', then you've already lost her.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Mark656 said:


> She says shes got feelings for him and she doesn't know what to do with them. I keep telling her shes got to just block him out of her life, but shes not willing to do that


Well, that's the nub of it. "She's not willing to do that." That doesn't leave you anywhere to go.


----------



## Mark656 (Mar 31, 2020)

Robert22205 said:


> I'm sorry you're here. First, you are not responsible for her decision to become involved with the OM. Every relationship has problems and everyone has personal issues - however, she chose to cheat.
> 
> Is the OM married? If so, expose the affair to his spouse or girlfriend or finance. Why? because they are your best ally to break them up.
> 
> ...






Thanks for your response.

My initial response was to end the relationship, but now I want to try and make it work, its only been a week since I found his number on her.

As it stands we are being friendly mainly for the kids. I have offered to cook for her on Friday, but I feel like a mug for it now.

Shal I just turn up tomorrow and tell her I've had another change of heart and tell her I'm done. I've already done this several times so shes not going to take it seriously if I say it again.

It's torture for me suspecting that shes messaging him whilst im not about.

I think if I was on the outside looking in I'd tell myself to get rid of her. But I love her and I want to make it work, shes never been anything but loyal up until now, if she can shake this thing off we could make it work?

The other man is a young single guy who is a notorious player. I cant believe shes been so stupid to get involved with him.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Then what of the kissing? What a person wants in life is necessary the best thing. But if you do play the pick me dance, you'll become a doormat he and she will wipe their crap on you.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

The thing is, she tries to let him go, but then she reverts to contacting him. Behind your back, I may add. Nope. Total transparency is needed here. Thus far, she's talking out both sides of her mouth. If you take her back, you realize you'll have to police her every movement, don't you? Because she's proven she can't be trusted. If it was me, I'd make a clean break and only deal with her henceforth on matters pertaining to the children. But that's just me. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. JMO.


----------



## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Mark656 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I wanted some impartial advice on my situation.
> 
> ...


I am biased. I am hard core on stuff like this.
She kissed another man. That for me is totally nuclear. She kisses another man....that is a divorce, that is a permanent ending of the relationship. I do not understand how you would even want her back?
Why? She's been with another guy? She has broken that seal that makes you two uniquely a couple. She was literally kissing him while you are at home waiting for her to get home?
How could you stand to ever even look at her again? 
Anyway, for you people out there that take back cheaters (people I just can't understand) her QUITTING THIS JOB with him and never seeing or talking to him ever, ever, ever again is the LEAST she could do. 
Her even going back to that job for even one day would be 100% deal breaker.

If I understand you, you are not only considering taking her back but you are still just sitting there acting tough as she goes to work every day where this guy is. 
Insane. 
I just can't get my mind around stuff like this.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Mark656 said:


> She says shes got feelings for him and she doesn't know what to do with them. *I keep telling her shes got to just block him out of her life, but shes not willing to do that* but shes trying to figure it out and get over them.


Sadly, there's your answer mate. You have nowhere to go but out from here.

Yes, she should be on her hands and knees begging for forgiveness, but she isn't. If she were serious, she would block him from every form of contact and immediately quit her job. 

Clean break, tell her the relationship is over and only communicate regarding the children from hereonout.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

You love who you thought she was, and who you want her to be. That’s different from who she has been, currently is, and will likely be for some time forward.

Imagine if you had done the same — developed a romantic relationship with someone else in your life. How would you judge what you had done? Are you holding her to the same standard, or are you desperately trying to view what she did to you as not that bad, something she didn’t mean to do, something outside of who she really is?

Full disclosure: I regret rugsweeping after ending my wife’s EA (twice). I’m grateful I’ve had a front row seat watching my kids develop, but the approach we took to dealing with problems in our relationship has poisoned decades of my life. It’s hard to have a good marriage if one partner wishes she could have had a better life, with that other one (or any of several).


----------



## Mark656 (Mar 31, 2020)

I understand everyone saying I should just leave, but there is so much at stake here. I don't want to just give up on out family that easily. Sadly tho its dawning thats what I need to do, for myself. 
I'm literally in the process of ordering beds for my kids so they can stop with me at my brothers house. In the mean time I have been going to home to help bath them and put them to bed which makes it difficult to have a ' clean break' from her. 
This is going to be a long old road to recovery for me from here, I'm sad that the whole life we had planned togethr has been lost so quickly.


----------



## Mark656 (Mar 31, 2020)

frusdil said:


> Sadly, there's your answer mate. You have nowhere to go but out from here.
> 
> Yes, she should be on her hands and knees begging for forgiveness, but she isn't. If she were serious, she would block him from every form of contact and immediately quit her job.
> 
> Clean break, tell her the relationship is over and only communicate regarding the children from hereonout.


Sorry what does the term 'rugsweeping' mean? 

She says she doesn't want a relationship with this man? I don't think she knows what she wants.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Mark656 said:


> Sorry what does the term 'rugsweeping' mean?


It means sweeping the problems (in this case, infidelity) under the rug and "forgetting" and ignoring it, rather than tackling it head on and properly dealing with it. 

Rugsweeping, never, ever works. It will always come back to bite you in the ass at some point.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Mark, her story makes very little sense to me. Is she extremely immature, or am I missing something? She has been warned that continued pursuit of this other person will be a two pronged disaster, as she will end her relationship with you for all and for good. Secondarily, as you have pointed out, he is not going to stick around for a woman with two kids. I could tell you horror stories. I have told a number here. Bottom line, she is very likely to be on the losing end. This should be made plain to her, in no uncertain terms. You will not be her safety net. Strong language, and stronger action.


----------



## Mark656 (Mar 31, 2020)

Taxman said:


> Mark, her story makes very little sense to me. Is she extremely immature, or am I missing something? She has been warned that continued pursuit of this other person will be a two pronged disaster, as she will end her relationship with you for all and for good. Secondarily, as you have pointed out, he is not going to stick around for a woman with two kids. I could tell you horror stories. I have told a number here. Bottom line, she is very likely to be on the losing end. This should be made plain to her, in no uncertain terms. You will not be her safety net. Strong language, and stronger action.


Thanks for the response. 
I have tried to do this on several occasions already, she says that she really wants to forget about him and at one point she rang him in front of me and said not to contact her gain. 
Today she told me that she knows thats what she needs to do, but whilst she is feeling like she is, even if she says that to him then she will still want him. She said she's working on it. 
I feel its cruel on me to just keep me waiting. 

At some point, I need to just say to her. Enough is enough I'm not waiting around until youve made your mind up.

I have kind of done that already by moving out, I was hoping that me not being there and her not hving the kids for half the time might have helped reality set in.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Do you honestly believe it stopped at kissing? They aren't in Jr. High School. She has chosen him over you multiple times, and even if you were enough of a doormat to stay with her, what kind of example is that setting for your kids. It's not making their life better it's sealing their fate to accept people screwing them over in their future as the status quo.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Mark656 said:


> This is going to be a long old road to recovery for me from here, I'm sad that the whole life we had planned togethr has been lost so quickly.


It hasn’t been lost... SHE threw it away. Remember that. This isn’t your fault and you deserve better. She has shown you who she is by refusing to stop contact with him after she said that she would. So believe her. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

First off, it's more than an EA if she kissed him. Let's just get that out of the way. 

Do not downplay this as just an EA and do not trust a word that comes out of her mouth. She has to prove her story and work her ass off to earn your trust back, and quite frankly, it doesn't sound like she is willing to do either of those things - let alone all the other work that would be required. Personally, I am not buying her story. It just doesn't add up. 

Two things are very unlikely... 

1) That they only kissed and texted, and 
2) That it only lasted two weeks. 

No sane person is going to throw away their family and upcoming wedding for a two week long texting affair with a couple of kisses thrown in, then have SUCH a hard time breaking it off. That just doesn't happen, but what does happen is trickle truthing (slowly giving you more and more of the story over time). I suspect she will do this. Be prepared to find out that this info is only the tip of the iceberg. 

The confessing and owning up to your family sounds good at first but is totally meaningless when she turned around and went right back to loverboy. Do you know what led her to confess? Did someone find out about the affair and threaten to tell you? If she was remorseful she wouldn't be acting the way she is. It doesn't make sense that she would randomly confess, and apologize to your family, then turn around and keep contacting him. So she had all that regret and all those apologies, then she went right back to her two week AP? No. 

If she really wanted to be with you, then YOU would be worth more than this so-called "friendship" with loverboy. There is no "I'm working on it". She either wants to be with you or she doesn't. End of story. She either cuts him off RIGHT NOW, or she doesn't. She has NO choice but to go no contact with this guy. If she is unwilling to do that, then you have to be unwilling to even entertain the idea of being with her. 

Couples can and do reconcile, but you have to have something to work with. Right now, you don't. 



Mark656 said:


> ...shes never been anything but loyal up until now...


This part gave me a chuckle. That really is quite irrelevant now, don't you think?


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Mark656 said:


> Am I being a total doormat here?


You sure are.

You need to find your self respect. Stop begging her to love you and hanging around hoping she'll suddenly come back to you and begin despising her new boyfriend.

*How many times* are you going to allow her to *disrespect* you before you finally show yourself the respect she _won't_? Every time you foolishly believe her lies and then find out she's still talking to Romeo - and you stay with her after finding out AGAIN - then you're just disrespecting yourself.

And it's time to pull your head out of the sand, OP. This isn't some little 'crush' where they kissed at the malt shop while sharing a milkshake. This is a full blown affair and you need to face that reality.

Lastly, the most likely reason you got her sudden, phony "confession" is likely because someone found out about them and was threatening to tell you, so SHE got to you first with her G-rated fairy-tale version of the story. It's also possible her boyfriend's wife or girlfriend had caught them and was threatening to tell you - which again, necessitated her phony confession. But the truth is, a betrayed spouse RARELY gets a confession borne out of _true _remorse - and she's a PRIME example of that statement. If she were *truly* sorry for how she'd hurt you and wanted to confess out of *true* remorse, she would have told you the TRUTH, and she *wouldn't *still be chasing the guy!! That, right there, proves exactly what I said - that her confession was anything BUT altruistic.

Stop being a welcome mat for someone who can't even show you the respect that most of show the common dung beetle.


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

tell her you will not share her with another man. that you are going NC
with her. for you to consider taking her back she will have to leave that
job and go NC with the OM.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Mark, deliver her to her parents or sibling's home. Explain that you will not share her with another man. Then 180. Completely cut her out. You have to blow up your marriage if you want to save it. Please relate this story to your wife. I had a similar client a few years back. She could not make up her mind. She took a good man and two children and ditched them for a younger guy, with a crappy apartment and a motorcycle. How becoming to a 40 year old mother. She went through all of the usual phases, sexy clothes, gym three nights a week, lingerie. So when she split, he told her it was for good. She gave up her kids in the D because her boyfriend and her were going to see the world. Six months. I have told this before, she showed up on his front porch on a Sunday morning. He came down to find her, she looked like an overstuffed sausage. She had gained every pound back and then some. Her mascara was running down her cheeks, saying she had made the worst decision of her life, and if he could, would he give her a second chance. At that moment another woman came down from the bedroom. She was much younger, thinner, and prettier. She takes one look at the ex, flashes the engagement ring, and says sorry, we gave at the office. Slammed the door shut. ExWW lets out a screaming fit. Apparently he was supposed to wait until she got it out of her system. She tried every trick in the book from trying to have the Divorce reversed. To breaking into her old house and walking around naked. (She was told her ass got real fat) She was escorted from the wedding ceremony by a couple of his cousins, she was planning on objecting. It has been several years, and she has been alone. She has also been in a lot of therapy. She sees the year of the affair as being a year of mental disease that cost her the life she loved. Her ex H has a new life, a new wife, kids from his last marriage that love the new wife, and a baby on the way. The ex WW says that she must have been a fairy godmother, as she waved her magic butt, and gave him a brand new life while ending hers for good.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Mark656 said:


> I understand everyone saying I should just leave, but there is so much at stake here. I don't want to just give up on out family that easily. Sadly tho its dawning thats what I need to do, for myself.
> I'm literally in the process of ordering beds for my kids so they can stop with me at my brothers house. In the mean time I have been going to home to help bath them and put them to bed which makes it difficult to have a ' clean break' from her.
> This is going to be a long old road to recovery for me from here, I'm sad that the whole life we had planned togethr has been lost so quickly.


You aren't giving up on your family.
Those kids you're sharing are your family. Your siblings, parents, cousins? Those are your family.

Your ex? She opted out, man. She's gone. It's over. She nuked that from orbit and she isn't looking back. She's just pretending to be conflicted in case things don't work out with mr fantastic - who she's been sleeping with all along, man. Adults don't "just kiss" and hide phone numbers and keep in contact secretly for friendship and smooches.

I shudder to think of the **** that's happened in your own bed in your own house with you gone. But it's what you have to get your head on straight about.

Let go. There's a whole world out there waiting for you, that will be so much better without her in it.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

oldtruck said:


> tell her you will not share her with another man. that you are going NC
> with her. for you to consider taking her back she will have to leave that
> job and go NC with the OM.


I'd also add a postnup favorable to the betrayed spouse, as well as IC for the wife with a counselor that specializes in infidelity, with her signing a waiver allowing the betrayed updates on her sessions.

I wouldn't even consider touching her with a 20' pole until she puts her money where her mouth is in regards to reconciliation. She needs to figure out and fix her malfunction(s) first. Speaking of which, a full STD panel, as well.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Mark656 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I wanted some impartial advice on my situation.
> 
> ...


Yes, you are the definition of a doormat and weak man, sorry to answer your question so bluntly but 100% Yes...

First off, she is and was screwing him has been since they have been "texting". So you need to let go of the fantasy that they are not sleeing together.

Dude, just run, take care of your kids but lose her and ignore her. Please have some self-respect...


----------



## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I'm sorry you found us. There is nothing you did or didn't do that deserved this betrayal. People have all sorts of personal problems (including depression) and disappointments in life - but they don't chose to deal with their problems by cheating. 

Nothing appeals to her like something she can't have. Your best chance to get her to reject the OM (if that's what you want ...or if you're not sure) is to show her that you are moving on with your life without her (bluff if necessary). Stop being her buddy and listening to her self doubts/depression or giving her advice. Go out/make plans by yourself with/without the kids (without her). 

She needs to experience NOT having you in her life providing a safe place for her. Right now you're giving her the best of both worlds (the exciting new love interest and the safe familiar 'you'. Only communicate to discuss the logistics of child care. 

Her first step in the right direction is to quite her job and go zero contact with the OM. Anything less means she's choosing him over you. If she says she can't decide (after 7 years with you), then she already chose him.

Yes you 'love' her. But love is an emotion like anger or hate - and not a substitute for rational decisions to enable you to live your best life (and be the best father for your kids). 

Don't allow yourself to be compared with the OM or to compete with the OM. Why? because in her mind the OM is the exciting new car - while you're the 7 yo previously owned family van.


----------



## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

She basically destroyed your existing relationship and morphed into and presented you with a 'woman' that you don't know. Your decision is whether you want to build a new relationship with this new person.

Google PTSD. Her infidelity, destroyed your relationship and your hopes & dreams. This is a big deal and not something you can process by acting like it didn't happen (or won't happen again). 

You will sequence back and forth (on and off) through the PTSD symptoms for months and years. This will help you recognize the stages (which influence your decisions/reactions) that you will go through as your brain processes her betrayal.

The first biological/mental human response is to avoid or shut down the pain by minimizing what she did (just a kiss) and denying both the emotional pain as well as the loss of trust. 

Some examples: ignoring that she destroyed your relationship and immediately believing she will never do it again; giving her the gift of reconciling immediately without her first proving she deserves it; denying to yourself that you no longer trust her; denying to yourself that you are deeply wounded by her disrespectful and humiliating treatment (but can suck it up). 

All this stuff will come back to haunt you months/years later and will undermine your self respect as well as your marriage (including your ability to be the best version of yourself as a father).

Our initial response (while typical) is not a good basis for making a long term decision. Give yourself at least 90 days to decide (based on her actions not words) whether you want any additional interaction/conversation other than just logistics for the kids. And give yourself at least a year of observing her actions (not her words) to decide if you want to marry this person.


----------



## Mark656 (Mar 31, 2020)

Thankyou all for the reponses. 

I have spoken with her today and she has done a 180. 

She said she does have feelings for him, but since I moved out and have the kids half the time it has made her realise what she is missing. 

She i going to call him and tell him that its over and she can no longer speak to him because we cannot even attempt to work it out whilst he is in the picture. 

She's agreed to total transparency, new phone number and itemised billing so I can see who she has rang and messaged. 

I know if she wanted to message him she would find a way anyway. 

For me I think that this would be the last chance saloon. I have told her I'm not moving back yet becuase actions speak louder than words and I need to see that she can do what she says she is going to. 

If it doesn't work, I'm not going to be in any worse a position than I already am. In fact it would give me 100% closure.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Make sure you are present for that call, and it’s on speakerphone. Have her write out a detailed timeline as well, and really dig for the truth about those times she claims they “kissed”... experience here says that’s bullcrap. That should be on her timeline. She needs to give up all her passwords to you for apps, social media, email, etc. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> Make sure you are present for that call, and it’s on speakerphone. Have her write out a detailed timeline as well, and really dig for the truth about those times she claims they “kissed”... experience here says that’s bullcrap. That should be on her timeline. She needs to give up all her passwords to you for apps, social media, email, etc.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


They may, may - not probably, not have yet done the deed - if only because he sounds like the sort of guy that will dump her rapidly once her notch is on his headboard.

Can't see how you're going to come out of this well - how are you ever going to trust her in future - and how can you have a meaningful relationship with someone you don't trust?

If you are determined to explore every last drop of hopium - I'd suggest you tell her that the timeline is essential - and that it will form the basis for the questions that she will have to answer when she takes the lie-detector test you will arrange but she will pay for. (Doesn't matter if you think they work - what matters is that she thinks they do/might). If she refuses you know there's more that she's never going to admit to - if she agrees - follow through, she is probably hoping that you won't do so and will be less than truthful. If she does agree you may well get a "parking lot confession". Still go through with the test - parking lot confessions mean two things - 1 - she admits she lied, 2 - she hopes you will think her new confession is complete - it won't be.


----------



## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

As long as she works with the OM, it's highly unlikely that her feelings toward him will stop. If she was sincere, she would proactively find another job in order to distance herself from him.

Just a reminder that you are the victim here (of her betrayal). She is 100% responsible for her decision to engage in inappropriate behavior. And therefore, it's 100% her responsibility to do whatever you need to even consider giving her a second chance.

Take all the time you need to step back and observe her actions to rebuild your trust (IMO at least a year) - and whether you want to be married to this 'new' woman. 

Where did they go for coffee?
Where did they kiss?
Did any of her co workers or friends know?

Ask her to write out 10 reasons why she prefers you to the OM (excluding because she 'loves' you or you're the father of her kids).

Ask her to write you a love letter each week for the next 5 weeks describing why she wants to marry you.

Finally, I suggest you be very certain that you know all the details. The question of whether the kiss was just a kiss is something that will haunt you later and undermine your marriage. Inform her that she created the cloud of uncertainty and she needs to fix it; and you can not stay with her or marry her as long as there's a question as to how far she went with the OM. 

How? Give her 24 hours to provide a detailed timeline of all contact with the OM (where, when, what happened, and what they texted about and talked about) - subject to a polygraph test. Just the prospect prospect of a polygraph tends to encourage a full confession.


----------



## Mark656 (Mar 31, 2020)

Just to be clear, marraige is firmly off the cards for me now for several years at least. I'm not jumping back in with both feet, I'm going to take it steady and monitor her to see if she will do what she says. Time will tell.

I have already interrogated her and got the timeline (allbeit now written down).


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Mark656 said:


> I feel its cruel on me to just keep me waiting.


It is, but you DO have some control over this situation. You can take the decision out of her hands.

Don't you want a wife who loves and adores you, and only you? I love my husband SO much, for me to treat him with such disdain and contempt is unthinkable.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

She has NO need to call him to tell him they're done. She can send him a text and then block him. In front of you, and then you can take her to get a new number.

She must also resign from her job. If they work together, there is no way this will end.

These need to be your two minimum requirements, you may have more, but the whole reconciliation thing needs to be contingent on these two things. If she won't do it, tell her no deal.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Mark656 said:


> Thankyou all for the reponses.
> 
> I have spoken with her today and she has done a 180.
> 
> ...



Go hard core.
I'd say you don't move back in until she can honestly say she is over him.
I'd say you make her do the work to win her back.
Not knowing your financial situation, at a minimum, her search for a new job starts the day you come back. If you can swing it, she quits immediately.
She needs to do the hard work to find out why she did this and fix herself. At a minimum, read and implement the findings from appropriate books. If possible, IC from a counselor that specializes in infidelity and she signs a waiver to receive updates from the therapist.
She needs to do timelines, subject to poly (at your discretion.)
I'd also go for a post nup favorable to you in case of divorce. Make her show that she is willing to "Put her money where her mouth is."
As far as transparency goes, her phone would be cloned and every computer in your home have a keylogger on it until her malfunction is fixed and trust is earned back.
I would add anything that she can do to make you feel safe, loved and valued in the relationship as well. You put all this to paper and she signs it. She gets a copy and let her know this is the template for your marriage, and she has one shot at fixing it. She is allowed honest mistakes, but betrayal is the end (Cheating=betrayal.)
Tell her if she doesn't like it, you will put the charade of marriage out of its misery.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Edit: make her do the work to win you back.
Can't figure how to edit with this new platform!


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Tdbo said:


> Edit: make her do the work to win you back.
> Can't figure how to edit with this new platform!


O/T

EDIT is now under the three dots to the far right of your post. That’s also where REPORT is located.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I'd say that not only should marriage be off the table, so should moving back in, at least for a long while. She needs to figure her crap out. I'd tell her that you will consider moving back in when she has shown you she can actually be trusted and that trust takes a long time to build up. She will also need to go to counseling to figure out why she could do such a heinous thing to someone she supposedly loves. And if you gave her an engagement ring ask for it back or tell her to stop wearing it as you are no longer engaged. She needs to see what exactly it is that she had done.

Finally, please get yourself tested for STD's and if you resume a sexual relationship at any point, use condoms. That will really bring it home to her that you can't trust her while also keeping you safe.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Openminded said:


> O/T
> 
> EDIT is now under the three dots to the far right of your post. That’s also where REPORT is located.


Thanks.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Mark656 said:


> Sorry what does the term 'rugsweeping' mean?
> 
> She says she doesn't want a relationship with this man? I don't think she knows what she wants.


She wants a relationship with the OM. If your W didn't she would cut off all contact and start in hast to repair the mess she has made. So, don't look the other way and rug sweep. Take control. Stand firm. Make boundaries.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Mark656 said:


> Thanks for the response.
> I have tried to do this on several occasions already, she says that she really wants to forget about him and at one point she rang him in front of me and said not to contact her gain.
> Today she told me that she knows thats what she needs to do, but whilst she is feeling like she is, even if she says that to him then she will still want him. She said she's working on it.
> I feel its cruel on me to just keep me waiting.
> ...


Good move on moving out with the kids. Let some reality set in. Continue to run you life like she is not in it and not part of the plan because it may come to that.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

frusdil said:


> Don't you want a wife who loves and adores you, and only you? I love my husband SO much, for me to treat him with such disdain and contempt is unthinkable.


I can say from my experience, that it is easy to lose track of what most would consider normal expectations for a relationship (as described by @frusdil there), and come to feel all one deserves is crumbs.

OP, keep expectations for relationships in your life high. Don’t let the mind **** this is wear you down.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If they have work contact (work together 8 hours a day) you’re fighting a losing battle. You have zero control or insight into a workplace affair.

See what is versus what you want to see.


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You have been together 7 years and have two kids. The shiny magic has worn off and for her she wanted more even though engaged to you. She is in limerence (read about it) with new affair partner. This is a choice she made. So she cheats, lies, disrespects you and tells you she cares so much about him that she can't stop caring for him--again her choice. There was a longtime build-up to her actions. 

IMO: your biggest problem is her lack of integrity and character. Clearly, she wants not you, but something else/someone else. So in a few years this will happen again. What kind of example will you be setting for your kids if you accept her inability to be faithful?

You want what you thought she was, but now that you know the truth do you really want this person? Never stay in a relationship 'for the kids.' Kids deserve better than that.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Many of us…
Many of us have more than one facet to their personality.
I am known to have many.
…………………………………………………………….

Your fiancée, the mother of your children has two personalities, which I espy.

And now, I do so decry.

The main person in her is proper and staid, is a mother and your, yet, unmarried companion.

She wants to marry you and take the unsettled, your seven year union, to that Justice, that is Peace, forever after.

The other side of her is not really happy with her lot in life.
She does not want to be married.
She wants to be that free and young girl, getting all those thrills that she passed over while living and bearing children with Thou.

Her subconscious mind wants what it wants. And sadly, it does want to be your wife.
She is telling the absolute truth. She is NOT a liar.
Nope.
One part of her wants to get married, the other side wants to experience more love and intimacy with other men.
…………………………
Amen.
Ah, yes, tis’ more than one man, this lass desires.
………………………………………

A man or a lady must marry the whole package that is a person. If you marry her, one half will be good and loyal, the other half will be unsatisfied and always looking for more.

Keep in mind, it is her subconscious mind that is pushing herself away from you and the thought of being married.

The other half, the lusty half has her by her short-hairs. No amount of shaving down there will loose its grip on her hungry-for-love, that spot, that plot, seeking adventure.
...................................................

Oh, tis Fate, pulling her away from you.

The bigger picture {Fate} is removing her from your life and taking her snapshot for other men to view and enjoy.

It is apparent, you are not the Heir Apparent of this gal’s fate.

Life has other things in store for her and for you.

Believe this, and let her be, let her go.

You cannot hold, half a woman close.

As in, holding one arm, one leg, one boob, the lower lip, half her mons, while the other ‘she’ gives that half to some other feller to have and to hold.

Ach!

Argue with Fate at your peril, Thou will always lose.

Yes, at some means, and in the end, you will be further bruised and abused.

Why? 
Fighting against that which you cannot own.

Winning a battle, or two is not winning the war.

Aye, some can hold off Fate, none can do so without pain, sorrow and scarring, taking its due.


SunCMars-


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Mark656 said:


> I understand everyone saying I should just leave, but there is so much at stake here. I don't want to just give up on out family that easily. Sadly tho its dawning thats what I need to do, for myself.
> I'm literally in the process of ordering beds for my kids so they can stop with me at my brothers house. In the mean time I have been going to home to help bath them and put them to bed which makes it difficult to have a ' clean break' from her.
> This is going to be a long old road to recovery for me from here, I'm sad that the whole life we had planned togethr has been lost so quickly.


To help you resolve your conflict, I would suggest that you look at other threads in this forum and see how things evolved for other people. I think you would learn that your relationship has no future in her current state, and you should get out. That is universally the experience of other posters. The advice you are getting here is not just a spontaneous opinion of the poster, for the most part. These responses reflect either personal experience, or the wisdom gained from seeing this play out over and over again.

Your situation is not unique. It's actually very common. Take a look at other posters, focusing on the "Coping with Infidelity" section, which has most of these types of posts. You will learn what you have to do based on others' experiences.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Mark656 said:


> Sorry what does the term 'rugsweeping' mean?
> 
> She says she doesn't want a relationship with this man? I don't think she knows what she wants.


It means covering up the problem instead of really dealing with it. It comes from the stereotype of someone who sweeps the dirt under the rug to get it out of sight instead of using a dustpan to collect and remove it. The floor superficially looks clean because you can't see the dirt hidden under the rug, but the dirt is still there.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Mark656 said:


> Thanks for the response.
> I have tried to do this on several occasions already, she says that she really wants to forget about him and at one point she rang him in front of me and said not to contact her gain.
> Today she told me that she knows thats what she needs to do, but whilst she is feeling like she is, even if she says that to him then she will still want him. She said she's working on it.
> I feel its cruel on me to just keep me waiting.
> ...


Think of what you would tell a friend in this situation.

You deserve more than this. You were engaged to marry her. This is not the behavior of a woman who is willing to commit to ONE man.

There are over 7 billion people on this planet. That means there are billions of women to choose from. Do you think your former fiancé is so special that no one else could replace or exceed her? Of course not! What makes a relationship special and makes a person the appropriate mate is that feeling and dedication and love they have for each other.

Does she have that love for you---REALLY? Does she think you're the best man in the world for her, the one that is perfect for her? Is her mind occupied with thoughts of you, and are her desires focused on you? The answer to all these questions is a resounding NO!

If the answer to the above questions was yes, then she wouldn't give two thoughts about this other dude. 

You deserve someone who DOES feel that you're the best. Someone that DOES love you above all others. Someone that DOES have their mind occupied by thoughts of you, and their desires focused on you.

You deserve better. What's more, better is out there. There are billions of other women on this planet. Your former fiancé is nothing special. She can be replaced....in fact, she SHOULD be replaced. She's much lower than you thought, because if she was as good as you thought, you wouldn't be in this situation.

Move on. What's more, give yourself the STRENGTH to move on, by convincing yourself that you deserve better.


----------



## NorseViking (Apr 14, 2018)

Mark656 said:


> I have been with my partner for 7 years.
> We have 2 young children together and were due to get married in 6 months.


Tell her if she want your kids to lose 50% of the time with you as parents.
Want them shipped as packets back and forth between you.
Want them to hate her later on then they find out the real reason for the breakup.
Thank her for destroying the family and the kids future.



Mark656 said:


> She told me 2 weeks ago she had kissed a work college during a work night out.
> They then exchanged text messages for a week or so and she started to develop feelings for him.
> She then arranged to meet him to put a stop to it and ended up kissing him again.


Out him to his family as a bad person.



Mark656 said:


> She told me about it all (I didn't catch her) and she was very regretful.
> She went around to my mum and sisters houses and apologies profusely.


Self preservation mode kicked in.



Mark656 said:


> I have also cancelled the wedding and most of the guests know what she has done.


Good, shows strength.



Mark656 said:


> She insists she doesn't ant to be with this guy and she really misses his friendship.
> She says shes got feelings for him and she doesn't know what to do with them.
> I keep telling her shes got to just block him out of her life,
> but shes not willing to do that but shes trying to figure it out and get over them.


Stop talking to her until she comes and ask you why.
Tell her: "How will you feel if you lost me? Will you accept that and go to him then?"



Mark656 said:


> I've said that as long as you are till in contact with this man then we are not going to work.
> He's a young guy who just wants 1 thing. No way will he stick about and look after her.


Out him to his parents and family and friends.
And yes, he will dump her if she becomes a burden for him.



Mark656 said:


> Am I being a total doormat here?


Yes.
Be firm, cold and decisive.
No kisses, no hugs, no love and no sex.
Go 180 on her.
Make her feel and think she looses you.



Mark656 said:


> Should I just leave her?
> If I do I know she will just go running to him
> and if they sleep together there will be no way back for us after that.


Put a brutal ultimatum on her.
Tell her what for each time she messes up she loses her value for you and
you are going to find another woman who actually can be faithful.
Tell her she does not deserve you and she should just let you
go so you can be happy with another and better woman.
Tell her you are not plan B and she has chosen him enough,
and you will soon start choose another woman instead of her.


----------



## Laura1992 (Mar 30, 2020)

Hi,

I've basically just gone through the same thing with my wife, luckily we hadnt got to the stage of having children even though we'd tried. 
We split 4 weeks ago because she wouldnt choose between me and another woman, she insisted nothing was going on but it was definitely an emotional affair. 
I'll admit it really does hurt and you do have good days and bad days but all the proof you need is when your other half still hasnt cut this bit on the side off even after you've split because it shows your still second best. 
Sorry xx


----------



## jimmyrich (Apr 10, 2020)

Mark656 said:


> Hi,
> I wanted some impartial advice on my situation.
> I have been with my partner for 7 years. We have 2 young children together and were due to get married in 6 months.


Hello: Sorry to read about your struggle. 
I am from a broken home so my first reaction is: do whatever is BEST for your dependent, defenseless children! If you look at this thru you kid's eyes, it will become crystal clear what needs to be done FOR THE SAKE OF your helpless, dependent kids. At this stage of the relationship, I don't see getting married as a useful option since that won't magically make things ok or right for your kids. So long as there is bad communication and distrust between you and your partner, there will be unreasonable stress on and damage to your dependent kids - even if you cannot or will not see this.


> I still love her and I desperately want to keep our family together for our kids.


Based on my experience with two unloving parents, I'd say keeping the family together, without fixing the problems, will only DAMAGE your kids further. Having two unhappy, hostile parents is WAY WORSE than having just one parent. Us kids fared way better after our unhappy dad left all of us!!!!


> Am I being a total doormat here? Should I just leave her? If I do I know she will just go running to him and if they sleep together there will be no way back for us after that. I have family to talk to but I would like some advice from people with no alliances.
> Thanks in advance..


FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CHILDREN, I suggest marriage counseling for starters. Keep in mind the mental/emotional health of your DEPENDENT kids and then you will know exactly what to do FOR THEM. I deeply regret that my parents never saw how they were damaging us kids nor ever looked for any help for their failing, hostile marriage. Please do what's RIGHT for your kids.


----------

