# Has this happened to you? Reaction about MC



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Brief recap: I'm the EA cheater.

Yesterday, I finalized our first MC appointment for next week. The reality of actually having to go to MC was more than what my wife could take. She broke down crying and had a panic attack. It lasted for about an hour.

For those of you that have been cheated on, I can only guess you know what she is feeling as the reality that the marriage is in trouble hit her between the eyes. Despite talking about us both agreeing that we need to do MC, it still hurt her.

Did you feel the same when you scheduled your first session?

What can I do to help her?


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I'm the cheater, my husband didn't want to go to MC. He told the therapist he didn't want to open that can of worm and didn't want to have to throw knives at his wife.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Interesting, as the one that was cheated on, I wanted to go. Looked forward to it. We went twice together, then the MC wanted to see my wife alone. She did that once. Then we went together a couple more times. Then I went once alone. Then we stopped.

It really helped me for awhile, but the last session where I went by myself I really didn't feel I was getting any further assistance from the MC, so I stopped. 

In your case, HerToo, I would tell her that it is a necessary step in repairing the marriage. Clearly it is broken, and we need to try to fix this together. It doesn't necessarily mean the marriage is over.

My wife thought this too, because "everyone she knew" who went to MC got divorced. Well, that was 2 couples. And then later found out a couple she really respects was going, and it was helping them.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I have said that. She told me the same thing weeks ago. I guess talking about it and facing the reality that it's actually going to happen are two different things.

I'm looking for anything else I can do or say to help. She is really afraid that we will end up divorced.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I couldn't get to MC fast enough! I think hubby and I went both for different reasons though. He went because he figured he'd get anwers to a few questions I'm unable to answer, I went because hubby doesn't not want to talk about anything. Eventually we both felt MC hasn't help and probably isn't going to help any of us because there still wasn't any communication from hubby's side. We figured we would rather spend that money going out for a nice dinner...


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Be open and supportive. If she wants to be held hold her if she wants you to leave her alone leave her alone. You made the choices she did not and expect her to have good and bad days.

MC has made my wife and I talk about things we would have just swept under the rug. She is also going to want to know why be prepared to tell her the truth.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Know why about what? Why I had the affair? I don't know that answer to that one yet. I have some ideas, but nothing concrete. And I already shared my thoughts with her about those ideas.

And I already do hold her and such.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Well, the odds of divorce are somewhat elevated anyway at this stage, right? I also believe you said you went to IC. Is your IC the same person as the MC?

If I were in your shoes, I would probably say:

"You don't have to go if you don't want to, Honey, but it would help us understand better what led me to what I did, and what we need to do together to give us the best chance at making it. With only me going, we are only using one barrel of a double-barreled shotgun. I think we'll have a better chance if we both go and try to fix this together. Will you come with me?"


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Yes, I'm still in IC. No, I could not get the same person for MC due to her work schedule. Mine is a little more flexible.

She has already agreed to go. She proposed it long before I did. It's just another shock to her like my affair was. Neither of us thought we would ever be where we are now.


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## Berilo (Aug 2, 2011)

As the betrayed spouse, I would have welcomed MC, I even suggested it a few times. It was the only way I could think of that we could get issues (the real issues) of the marriage on the table for fair discussion, without their being ignored, dissed, diminished, twisted, etc.

But my STBXW said that "we" didn't need counselling, I did, for my allegedly stunted emotional capacity and inability to communicate or relate.

So I gave up.

I would think that most BS would be nervous about MC -- as maybe there are cans of worms they don't want to see opened, on both sides. And there is that dynamic that MC can feel like it rubs salt into the wounds of the loyal spouse. The LS has already been kicked in the teeth, and had their life foundation shaken -- I think it is natural not to want to sign up for more tremors right away.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Has she had any IC? I was NOT ready to face MC until I had IC of my own. (I am the BS)


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I get your wife's fear of MC. I probably would've reacted in a similar way prior to d-day, the fear that you're going to be told you're incompatible or wrong or at fault can be terrifying. However, after d-day I couldn't wait to go, but that's because I was not in denial about the state of my marriage anymore. I was ready to walk away, so I was ready for the truth. But MC and the truth can still be hard. The MC makes you stop living the fantasy you once believed. Your wife is most likely fearful of having to really face her new reality.

One of the hardest things I heard in MC was when our therapist made this observation to me, "You're realizing that your husband did not love you as much as you thought he did." Holy $#!t that was a painful truth. She didn't say my husband (the DS) didn't love me, it's just that he didn't love me like I thought he did. I was being forced to face reality and not the fantasy I wanted to believe was my marriage. My husband hated hearing that too, his love for me described in that way was a bitter pill for him to swallow too. Made him feel like a bigger $#!thead.

MC and therapy can be wonderful and eyeopening, but it can still hurt. Sometimes it's painful to finally grow-up.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@Hope: No, she has not gone to IC. I even asked her to go. She's never been to any counseling or therapy of any kind.

@Saffron: I hope to learn where my head is, other than up my rear. It is going to hurt her. I have no doubt of that. The anger I have been waiting for will finally come out, maybe. 

Thank you both for sharing.


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## LearningToTrustAgain (Dec 12, 2011)

Would she be more open to going to IC first? This may help her ease into MC and help her gather her thoughts and emotions. This is what my husband and I did and I felt that it really helped. In a way going to IC first was a relief because it allowed me to express everything I was feeling and completely unload rather than being afraid of saying something in front of my husband. BTW I'm the BS.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

Sounds like a lot of denial on the part of anyone who does not want to go to MC. It's not healthy nor productive to "not open up a can of worms". I have had DDays 6 years apart and firmly believe if the problem had been confronted 6 years ago I would have avoided dday2.

I'm the BS and have spent our last 2 MC sessions discussing in depth the No More Mr Nice Guy book and how my actions and attitudes have created an unhealthy marriage.

Meanwhile my WS has denied any problems in our marriage, denied that she would change me in any way, and denied that she has lied and cheated on me. We, in fact, have no discussed any of that in MC yet...it's starting to wear on me.

I have no problem taking full responsibility for the unhappiness I've created in our marriage but at some point both parties need to accept some responsibility for implementing positive change and healing...


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

She won't go to IC. I tried to get her to go. She says that reading books on related subjects is her therapy. 

She does want to go to MC, she's just having a hard time realizing that it's really going to happen. The reality that I damaged our marriage, and now it's in trouble. The fear of the unknown. It's too much for her.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

HerToo, there isn't a whole lot you can do on this one other than what has been said. She just needs to get this first session over with - she'll likely feel better afterward. Until then, good luck - find distractions until appointment time. You said next week? Is it early in the week? Hopefully it is and you can get through this hurdle.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It's a week from tomorrow. It had to be on a weekend.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I've never had much luck with counseling at all. My exH and I went in the 90s. I felt as if the (male) counselor and he ganged up against me, twisting things I said. Of course, the concept of EA didn't exist at that time.

Even now, due to my health I have been given free counseling sessions. I get the feeling that the counselor doesn't want to continue talking about my relationship with my guy.


These days I would much rather go to group sessions. Hearing other people's situations can be helpful. And of course, usually, if not always, people who have problems of their own aren't going to put you down for having a problem (but sometimes they do.)


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Your wife may be right about her impending divorce considering your feelings towards the marriage Hertoo.
Have those feelings changed any? Are you more hopeful in finding love for your wife?

Has she gotten angry at all? Did she blow up any? Go off on you?
Sounds funny but that may be part of her and your problems.

If she hasn't and MC does finally bring that out I'd count that as a good sign
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Things haven't changed much. But are we talking more about the situation. I noticed that if we don't, there is nothing but silence during the car rides to where we are going. I hopeful in finding out what I want. This fence post is buried pretty deep in me.

She has not gotten angry, blown up, or gone off at me - yet. I also think that MC will bring out those emotions, finally. I agree that this seems to be part of the problem. Her kissing my rear to keep me is not what I'd like to see. That's not a fight for me. I'd rather see a 180, or "It's me or get out". I know that sounds weird coming from me, but her actions could be part of my sitting on the fence problem. I don't know. Just confused as hell. She's a good woman, and a good wife.

We'll see how it goes this weekend. I have IC the day before as well. 

Thanks for asking.

By the way, if you hear a loud "pop" sound coming from the west coast this weekend, that might be my head coming out.


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## Tover26 (Oct 29, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Brief recap: I'm the EA cheater.
> 
> Yesterday, I finalized our first MC appointment for next week. The reality of actually having to go to MC was more than what my wife could take. She broke down crying and had a panic attack. It lasted for about an hour.
> 
> ...



Yes. There's something about having to involve professional medical help that hits you right in your heart, blows your logical constructs away, and rubs your face in the fact that THINGS ARE SO TERRIBLE YOU CANNOT, EITHER BY YOURSELF OR AS A COUPLE, YOU ARE SO ****ED UP YOU CANNOT DO IT BY YOURSELF. My first IC was Monday morning and I'm still reeling from it today. I went in hoping for insight, wisdom, and a miracle. You come out with a professional's opinion that, regardless of how it is said or actually (not) said, things are dark, grim, and the marriage is now diagnosed as sick. The fact that you're there makes you sick and part of the sickness too. 

How can you help? Share your insights with them. Fill the silence in their hearts with what you got out of it because even though I don't feel I got anything out of that first session, I hoped my wife did. Before I had to ask, I WISH she had told me good, bad, or ugly. I'm looking for insight and personal progress on her part and I pray to God I see it soon. 

What can you do? Know that these sessions are going to be hard. Even if your spouse is awesome beyond belief, the private interaction is ripe with suggestion (even if only in their own minds) that the affairs were somehow their fault for not being good enough, sexy enough, good enough at sex, loving enough, whatever enough... sitting in front of a therapist is one of those moments where all the insecurities come piling up and you wonder if the therapist is going to pronounce you The Problem, or tell you you're stupid for not having left ages ago. 

I hope you see it's all very irrational. Be understanding. Set some time aside to be there. Using my wife as an example, her insights come pretty fast and easy. My insights do not. I know it's irrational. I know it'll pass. I know a therapist would never pronounce anyone The Problem. 

Long post. Sorry. Hope the ramblings help.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Thanks for the reply, Tover. Since I've already been going to IC, I think I have an emotional advantage that I wouldn't have if I was going for counseling of any sort for the first time. This helps me, but does not help my wife.

What if she starts to cry, and I don't because I'm beyond that point emotionally as a result of me going to IC already? I could expect a "You don't even care!" or something similar statement thrown at me.

I've heard that the first question asked is "What do you expect out of marriage counseling?". And since I'm on the fence, my answer will not equal what my wife says. If I say anything else, it would be a lie. And telling a lie right out the gate is not something I want to do.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

HerToo said:


> She has not gotten angry, blown up, or gone off at me - yet. I also think that MC will bring out those emotions, finally. I agree that this seems to be part of the problem. Her kissing my rear to keep me is not what I'd like to see. That's not a fight for me. I'd rather see a 180, or "It's me or get out". I know that sounds weird coming from me, but her actions could be part of my sitting on the fence problem.


It seems maybe your wife needs to "man up" a bit.
I wouldn`t find her actions attractive either I don`t think.
It doesn`t sound weird to me, I get it.

Maybe that`s something you could bring up with your MC after a while and see if he can perhaps help subtly open your wifes eyes to it in a solo session or something.
I don`t know, I`m unfamiliar with such things but it`s an idea.



> By the way, if you hear a loud "pop" sound coming from the west coast this weekend, that might be my head coming out.


I`d love to hear that it happened Hertoo, I truly would.



Again, I wish you luck.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

HerToo said:


> What if she starts to cry, and I don't because I'm beyond that point emotionally as a result of me going to IC already? I could expect a "You don't even care!" or something similar statement thrown at me.


That would be good actually for a couple of reasons.

One, the reason we just discussed.
Some anger from her would actually be healthy for both of you I think.
(That just sounds weird..you`re right)

Two, it`s true, at least to an extent.
You yourself have all but said it many times in this forum.
That needs to change and I think you need to see something from your wife to move that along.
Back to my thought that she needs to "man up" a bit.




> I've heard that the first question asked is "What do you expect out of marriage counseling?". And since I'm on the fence, my answer will not equal what my wife says. If I say anything else, it would be a lie. And telling a lie right out the gate is not something I want to do.


What would your answer to that question be right now?
What do you think would be your wifes answer to that question?


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

HerToo said:


> Things haven't changed much. But are we talking more about the situation. I noticed that if we don't, there is nothing but silence during the car rides to where we are going. I hopeful in finding out what I want. This fence post is buried pretty deep in me.
> 
> She has not gotten angry, blown up, or gone off at me - yet. I also think that MC will bring out those emotions, finally. I agree that this seems to be part of the problem. Her kissing my rear to keep me is not what I'd like to see. That's not a fight for me. I'd rather see a 180, or "It's me or get out". I know that sounds weird coming from me, but her actions could be part of my sitting on the fence problem. I don't know. Just confused as hell.


I don't know your history at all, but is it possible your wife prefers to 'pretend' things are ok? Does she avoid confrontation? When you've had disagreements in the past, has she engaged or become deaf?

If so, I wonder if this is related to the cause of your EA - and some tone of 'ambivalence' I'm sensing...?



HerToo said:


> She's a good woman, and a good wife.


This sentence leaves me somewhat cold. If my SO wrote that about me - as a summation - I would be heartbroken.

Where's the passion? Love?

Sorry if I'm way off base - I'm late to the game


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

To answer "what do you want out of marriage counseling", a fair answer from you might be "Clarity on how to proceed".

Good luck - let us know how the sessions go.


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## Tover26 (Oct 29, 2011)

If you're on the fence about the marriage, nothing I post here will do anything for you at all. 

If she says something to you like "Go away!"... go away for a few minutes and then come back with love. If you can't cry, hold her head and kiss the top of it. Caress her hair. If she pushes you away, go away for a few minutes and then come back. If she gets fed up with it screams for you to leave, write on a piece of paper, "I want to be here for you. I want this to work for you, me, us. If you won't talk, will you at least let me hold you." Slide it under the locked door. Do not make her come to you. 

If all else fails, try something simple like, "Without trust, I'm trying to show you by my actions that I'm here for you. I'll keep coming back as many times as it takes. How can I be here for you?" If she tells you to be there for her by leaving, then leave... and come back. 

If you're sitting on the fence and just going through the motions, why do you even care what she is going through? At some point, you must have known the end result of all this was going to be separated lives and you and her will need to figure that out on your own... and YOU CANNOT HELP HER ADJUST TO A SEPARATED LIFE... but you sure as hell can make it really painful and difficult for her by giving off mixed messages.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@Tacoma: All good points that I agree with. The lack of anger could be adding to my fence post sitting (more of an insertion at this point. My current answer is "I'm here to determine once and for all if my passionate love for my wife is truly gone." Her answer will be "To strengthen our marriage." I think my answer addresses Janie's question above about where is the passion and love. I love her, but more like a family member. It's sad, but it's true.

@ Gabriel: Thanks! I like your answer better than mine. It's not as painful.

@Tover: I'll do whatever is the truth within me. I will always have compassion for her, regardless of the outcome.

Thank you all for the replies.


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