# Single for so long...used to it, or fear?



## Amplifi (Jan 22, 2020)

My marriage ended in 2012 after she cheated, a lot. It caused all sorts of chaos and pain for my children and me (as it does for everyone who goes through it). The entire marriage was a painful lie, and profoundly changed my outlook on women and marriage. I was gaslit like crazy and accused of cheating constantly, for years, which I never did. She of course was projecting. These feelings and this outlook were reinforced by the fact that my mother cheated on my dad, a lot. Both she and my ex-wife felt entitled to do so, because they "deserved to be happy".

It took me years to come to the realization that I was one of those poor saps who married their mother. What a horrifying revelation. What a cliché. 

I dated casually for a few years after my divorce, had a wonderful FWB for a couple of years. She eventually wanted more and I said no. In hindsight, I regret it - because she is a good woman. However, one of my flaws is that I am too picky about looks. She wasn't what I deemed to be "hot enough". I take responsibility for that somewhat shallow aspect of my personality. I've somehow been able to attract beautiful women, and have now set a standard for myself (looks-wise) that I'm sure has sabotaged what could have been healthy, good relationships. 

Besides my ex-wife, who I was with for 16 or so years, I have only had one other long-term relationship. That ended over 2.5 years ago, and I have been very single ever since. The end of that relationship was extremely painful. It took me a long time to get over. Actually, I'm still not over it, truth be told. 

I'm an introvert, and the pandemic didn't really affect me negatively like it did so many others. I do quite well on my own - I'm never bored and always have something I'm working on. However, I am starting to feel the effects of being alone for going on 3 years now. I've just started dating again...but in very short order, the thought of dealing with someone else, having to answer texts in a timely fashion (I have a fear of the consequences of this due to the dynamic with my ex and my mother), the general distrust of women (not necessarily just the cheating thing - but manipulation in general), has me shutting things down before they even have a chance to begin. 

I am estranged from my mother...after years of having boundary issues, I finally put some up, and she refused, with prejudice, to accept them. I fell out with her about the same time my ltr ended. The relationship was toxic, and I had to walk away from it. That still causes me pain and I think about her and my ex-gf almost daily. My mother's "love" was extremely conditional. And if those conditions were not met, you were simply pushed outside the circle and demonized. I can't, having any self-respect or care for my emotional well-being, have a relationship with her. It was a necessary severance, but still extremely painful nonetheless. I am also estranged from my father, who is an ex-con and a dangerous person. 

I have my children, who I adore and have a wonderful relationship with. But that is all - I have no other family relationships to speak of. I was cast out by my father's family when he went to prison because I didn't stand by him. What he did was 100% a deal breaker for me, and that will never change. But it cost me relationships with his side of the family. My mother's family are all super religious and shunned me since I was 3 anyway, so there's nothing on that side either. 

I have tried therapy I think 4 or 5 times now, with zero success. I'm 100% open to it, but just never got anything from it. Maybe one helped a little, when I said "there must be something I'm doing, some reason...I must deserve this on some level - and maybe I'm just not worthy of healthy, real love". She shot that down and told me to stop thinking that way, basically.

I am not a perfect person...I can be intense. But I always try to act with integrity and do what's right. And if I fail, I do my best to apologize and atone...to learn from it and not repeat it. My mother and father have never, ever apologized for anything in their lives. My good friend thinks this is "a boomer thing". Lol. I don't know if that's true.

When I reached out to my mom after assertively but respectfully stating my boundaries - I sent her a loving email that stated I was sorry if I offended her, but I respectfully am asking for these boundaries, I hope we can fix this, I love you...she shunned me for 6 months, then sent an essay of an email, literally blaming me for every bad thing that has happened since I was a child...she even blamed me for the way SHE treated other people....the email was vicious. My kids read it and haven't spoken to her since. 

I have no real trust, and I'm absolutely terrified at the prospect of a relationship - I honestly do not know what a good, healthy relationship looks or feels like. I simply cannot fathom having one - it's sad, because I just don't think it's possible for me. I'm a loving person, a loyal person who tries to act with integrity...but my life seems like a road strewn with betrayal, manipulation, a lack of boundaries and shattered relationships.

I don't know what to do, how to break out of it, or where to go.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Do you have any friends you hang out with? I know outside your kids, family is not an option and you didn't mention this in your post.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I would start by finding healthy friendships first, if you don't have them already. There are meet up websites where you can find people who are into the same sort of hobbies as you, or classes like cooking, etc. Or you could try a local rec center bulletin board or catelog to see what is going on. 

You do need to be healthy before getting into a relationship though, or should be at least. I'd probably give therapy another try, and stick to one therapist for more than a session or two. It can take time to find one you like, connect with, and who isn't a quack.


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## Amplifi (Jan 22, 2020)

Thank you both. I do have friends - 2 new ones I've made at my new job. They're both younger than me, but we've bonded, which is cool. I'm also a musician and have friends through that. Music, work and my kids are what keep me going.

The therapy thing is a drag, as I have coverage through work, but only for a few sessions. I can't really afford one privately.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Have you looked into therapists with a sliding scale? 

Another option would be to contact your local CMHA branch and get yourself on the adult waiting list, if they have one. It's likely a long wait list, but may still be worth it.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Part of your post looks like something I could have written. Although I had a great relationship with my parents, my Mom passed away and my Dad is in his mid 80's. So it's different then it was when I was younger. But the adultery, being alone, introverted and scared of dating again are spot on.

I was going to recommend counseling, but looks like you tried that and it didn't help. It's not for everyone. Trust is a hard thing to give again, especially when it has been shattered through a spouse's adultery. Do you go to church? If so, get involved there, volunteer and connect with people your age . If you're not into church, connect with people that share similar interests/hobbies as you......exercising, bike riding, bowling, etc.

I would continue to try and date, but just take your time. Maybe try a dating site where you can weed out the ones that aren't what you're looking for before you even talk or meet them. I get looks being the most important thing...we all do that. But maybe look a little deeper. The older I get, the more I would rather date a 6/7 with a 10 personality than a 10 with a 6/7 personality. Eventually you are going to have to trust again as scary as that might be. But when the right woman comes along, you will know it.


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## Amplifi (Jan 22, 2020)

SCDad01 said:


> Part of your post looks like something I could have written. Although I had a great relationship with my parents, my Mom passed away and my Dad is in his mid 80's. So it's different then it was when I was younger. But the adultery, being alone, introverted and scared of dating again are spot on.
> 
> I was going to recommend counseling, but looks like you tried that and it didn't help. It's not for everyone. Trust is a hard thing to give again, especially when it has been shattered through a spouse's adultery. Do you go to church? If so, get involved there, volunteer and connect with people your age . If you're not into church, connect with people that share similar interests/hobbies as you......exercising, bike riding, bowling, etc.
> 
> I would continue to try and date, but just take your time. Maybe try a dating site where you can weed out the ones that aren't what you're looking for before you even talk or meet them. I get looks being the most important thing...we all do that. But maybe look a little deeper. The older I get, the more I would rather date a 6/7 with a 10 personality than a 10 with a 6/7 personality. Eventually you are going to have to trust again as scary as that might be. But when the right woman comes along, you will know it.


Thanks man. No church, but I have something close, which is music and the musicians in the community here. I kind of stopped going to play live during the pandemic, but am trying to make myself get out there more. That always makes me feel better and is a great way to meet people. 

I agree on the 6/7 vs 10 thing. I had a date the other night and she was perfectly nice, but I wasn't attracted. She messaged me and gave me her phone number and indicated she'd be into seeing me again. I had terrible anxiety the next day, and I think it was because I put pressure on myself to see her again when I didn't really want to. I think there's a fine line between giving someone more time to maybe grow on you, and not bothering to try and force something you don't feel. I didn't return her message the next day, and the day after that when I went to text her 9at the suggestion of a friend and my kids - to give her more time), she had unmatched me. Lol.

I don't feel desperate or lonely enough to see someone for the sake of not being single. 

I really hate that I can't seem to move past the thing with my mom - I've accepted that I can't have a relationship with her, but it still causes me distress and pain.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Relationships are overrated, if it happens it happens, along with all its bullcrap, for now just find yourself a new FWB.

Have no fear of it but if love comes, it comes when it's time.


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## Garama (3 mo ago)

I do understand how loneliness can be frustrating. I also had relationships and after i broke up it was a very painfull to me. But i think we need think positively about future


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