# What would you do?



## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

Hello, just wanted to see how other people would feel in my situation...

First off, I love my wife, she is the most amazing person on the planet... and she is HOT. Like should be a model hot, hotter than most of those chicks really. And I'm not just saying that. I've had women tell me that my wife is the most beautiful woman they've ever seen in person, a female coworker who saw my wife said, "I'd sleep with her and I'm not even a lesbian." A friend of mine saw my wife and was like, Damn no wonder you are always happy. OK and it gets better, she loves sex, we have sex everyday usually, if things like schedules don't work out three days is the longest we ever go without and she's amazing. Like a porn star, she goes down on me so hard I fear we might have pay a trip to the emergency room with things to explain. She loves going down on me to the point where she cums without any other stimulation, she also loves squeezing me with her breast till she cums, just say our sex life is great. She cums over and over and drools over me they way I drool over her... that part is great, better than I could have ever have asked for. 

And we are best friends. Everything I want to do she's involved and visa versa, we are super close. We spend just about all our time together, and couldn't be happier when things are good, no things aren't always good...

We are not newly weds, we are 12 yrs and 2 kids (you can't tell by looking at her though, just saying) into our marriage and things weren't always this way. In the past our sex life wasn't where it is now. We were still learning and I had a problem asking for what I desired, I felt like my needs weren't being completely met but since it was so much fun being in bed with such a gorgeous woman I was ok with it, but then I started looking at porn. Now in the past I always looked at porn, before my wife that is and never thought it was a big deal. But I looked and didn't tell her she found out and flipped. She said if I do it again, it's over. 

So for a while I didn't and things were still ok between us, but still felt a little like I couldn't ask for what I wanted to do, felt uncomfortable asking her to wear this or whatever and so eventually I started looking at porn again and I wasn't like oh look at these women, it was what they were doing this or that like the way they touched themselves and all that. I liked looking at that but wanted it to be my wife, just couldn't ask for it. I felt she would get upset or be uncomfortable and I'm a giver when it comes to love making. I'd rather make her cum 1,000 times before I get mine.

So she finds out again and wants a divorce, says its the same as being with other people and all that. If Im not completely satisfied with just her whats the point. Longer story shorter we reconciled and communicated and now for the last 2 years have been having amazing sex and a great relationship but....

Every week or two she says, it's over I know you're going to look at porn eventually so lets just end it. What's the point. I tell her no, I won't I'm totally fulfilled and can't ask for more. And if I take to long in the shower, what was I doing in there, it I take to long at a store, where else did I go and all that. I find myself stressing so she doesnt stress about me looking at porn. Oh and it's not just porn either. Anything with women showing skin. If theres a commercial with a hot chick during football, I will look away, if I look away she says I have a problem, like I can't look at her without wanting her and if I look I have a problem looking. What am I supposed to do? What would you do. I stopped watching movies with sex scenes, or that might have sex scenes. I try my best to show her she is all I want. But I'm like nervous because she's always telling me we need to get divorced. I feel like I'm goiong crazy.


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

I would tell her a marriage is based on trust and if she doesn't trust you what can you do to regain your trust because you cannot go on living with all the threats of divorce and if she really loves you she will stop because it's making you crazy. No one wants to live like that. As you said you love her and have everything you could possibly want. Why would you want to jeopardize that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

Thanks for the reply... I told her that and she says well then I can't trust you so lets get divorced. She says that since I'm a guy I will start looking at porn eventually and she's just waiting for that day. She says she oves me more than life itself, she just can't be with me if I "need" porn to be sexually fulfilled. I tell her I don't she says well if you aren't lying about it now, you will be soon. the whole thing is circular and drives me crazy. 

At the moment she is going on the slim chance that I will not look at porn again, and trusting me that I will be honest. But then doubts enter her head and she's saying the same thing. And yes I get tired of it but I love her so much I fight to stay with her. Maybe that's what she likes to see?


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

Maybe but you cannot go on being under the microscope for who knows how long. If you do not need porn then that should become a nonissue eventually. Its the trust issue that is hard to deal with.
Its really great that you love her as much as you do. I know she will have a difficult time finding that with anyone else. Men may love her for what she looks like but your love seems deeper than that. As you know as we age our looks fade and you grow old together. That is what I hope for both of you. It seems to me like she is just hurt. Like her ego was deflated a little. Being so pretty she would think that you would not need porn. We all do things that may surprise others like you looking at porn. That does not mean that you do not love her. My husband loooks at porn once in a great while but that doesn't mean he doesn't love me or the time we spend together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Your wife set a solid boundary. You look at porn, the marriage is over. You broke the boundary and you should be damn glad she didnt actually divorce you. You broke her trust, and you now have to earn it back.

What would I do?

If my wife was the hottest chick ever, and she was the greatest sex ever...

I wouldnt trade that for a computer screen and my hand... just sayin.


There is a lot more going on here than you let on. I find it difficult to believe that your wife is what you say, and your relationship is what you say, and yet you still look at porn against her wishes.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I`d let her divorce me.

I don`t care how well she goes down or how hot she is I`m not putting up with that level of insecure ****.

Why is it the hot ones are always so insecure?


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

Men don't understand how porn can traumatize some women. Sure some women are okay with it and for other women it equals infielity.
For women who are traumatized by porn, it is a very real and painful threat. You feel she is not being rational in her behavior about it and toward you now, but you aren't understanding the very deep insecurities that porn causes her. You may have given up porn on the fly but don't think such a real insecurity on her part is going to go out the door just as quickly. For women who are scarred by porn, the threat and fear and insecurities are as fresh every day as if you did it just yesterday. I know. I also experienced this in my past and cannot get over it. You see, your wife sees the women in the porn as very personal. For me, these wome were the women who satisfied my husband in the most personal and intimate area of his being. It killed me. Afterward, every pretty or sexy woman brought on the image of my husband lusting after her and being satisfied by HER, not ME, as he did the women in porn. If I thought I was getting close to putting it all even a little bit behind me, we would go out in public, I would see a woman with tight sexy clothes, big boobs, etc, and I would get sick inside. Same with women posing in magazines (normal mags) or women on tv who were very pretty. I didn't want my husband looking at sexy music videos. It isn't so much that your wife doesn't think she isn't pretty or sexy. It's the painful thought that you were arroused and sexually satisfied to the image of women who weren't her!
A woman, as illogical and unrealistic as it is, wants to think that HER man could never be arroused by another.  Ask her if this isn't true.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Also, to add to the others... this IS not your first issue with her. You mentioned in your post that prior to this amazing sex you were insecure and could not ask her for what you really wanted. It was a problem to the point of near divorce, that is not a small problem. She is probably not reacting to just this additional discovery of porn, but to the fact that after the first discovery, you promised her that you would not do it again AND she started doing those awesome things that have made oyur sex life fantastic... that is hard for many women to get the ocurage to explore (remember Desperate Housewives with the red head wife years ago whose husband wanted more freakish sex?) In summary this is how I read your situaiton online, not knowing you:

1) you had insecurity which caused you to look at porn instead of reach out to your wife
2) you were caught watching said porn by your wife
3) you made promise to your wife to not do it again in return for staying married and elevating your marital sex life
4) you had an amazing sex life with the most beautiful woman in the world
5) you looked at porn again 
6) you got caught, again
7) she did not divorce you (you frekin lucky bastard)
8) you broke her trust a second time

She waffles now the way she does bc she knows that she is going back on her word to divorce you if you got caught again and that makes it more likely that you will think you can get away with anything bc she wont stand up for herself... so she goes through the motions as long as she can and then the reality of her situation hits and she is scared you are going to do it again anyway... bc you havent proved to her you wont... and she is PROTECTING herself from further hurt/disappointment. Given the circumstances, her behavior is normal for someone who was betrayed, gave an ultimatum and didnt follow through when betrayed again. She is not respecting herself right now bc she wasnt able to live up to her ultimatum and she obviously is aware of this which is why she seems ok and then not ok (which most men interpret as moody or psycho female behavior). Its not crazy behavior from a womans standpoint its normal for a woman who feels insecure about the health of her relationship... and remember insecurity is not a mental illness its the result of an ill relationship in this case. 

To respect herself she intellectually knows that she should leave bc you cannot be trusted. Emotionally however, she obviously loves you or she would act on that intellect and divorce. See, men act on that intellect level and this may be why they view women's conflict between emotional and intellectual knowledge as insecurity and as a bad thing. Maybe if you could view her insecurity as a thermostat for the health of your marriage, you wouldnt view it as something you cant bear to be around.

This is a long reply, but I would love for you and other men to think about this... women make decisions considering emotions and intellect, and as many men I know tell me, men make decisions based on intellect, they dont want emotions to let them make a bad decision. Because of this huge difference, when men see a woman act a"all crazy" in reference to decisions, its generally our feminine battle between what we think or know we should do and what we feel we should do... its not crazy, its just different. many women today who are on the birth control pill for many years may lose touch with this ability so men see many women who dont seem to carry that emotional "baggage"... well go right ahead and be with those women bc many of them hate sex too bc of the bcp. 

This issue hits home with me bc my husband also views a womans emotionality as a mental disorder (not that we give him alot of credit here bc he also thinks its ok to be physically abusive)... but I hear alot of men talking about this. men, if you grew up with non-emotional mothers, they were either on the pill, menopausal or indifferent based on years of unresolved little things with your fathers that you never knew about. Numb women are like an oxymoron... we are built with chemistry that makes us emotional so any absence of it has a cause. Instead of fighting this difference between the sexes, embrace what is going on with your wife as internal conflict over the fact that she knows intellectually she should drop you like a hot plate, but that she loves you and wants to stay with you. 

I hope you actually get to read this whole thing... I hope it makes sense and I hope it helps you understand what is going on (unless your wife does in fact have a mental illness, in which case I will retract all this). 

So my advice if you want to stay married and have her trust you again... watch the movie Fireproof... throw away your home computer like the husband in that movie does (what an amazing statement of being disgusted about your own betrayal of marital vows!)... or if you cant throw it away, leave a note with all passwords to all accounts you have and say, I want to be 100% open in showing you that Im not viewing porn. Figure out why you need to view porn even when you have the most beautiful and sex adventerous woman in the world (your words paraphrased)... she gave you everything you wanted (and you told us so) yet still looked at porn against your word to her... if you show her through going to porn addicts or private therapy with a man to get over that issue and maybe renew your vows with her, keep doing some grand demonstrations to her... you owe her that (and Im not siding with her bc Im a woman... usually Im on the guys side)... you owe her that because you made initial promise to love only her and then made a second promise to not look at porn after you broke the first vow... and broke it again. Its like being a liar twice.. you have to prove to her why she should trust you a third time around! Best of luck, I hope it can be slavaged... if for nothing else, since she is the most amazing woman in the world... if she leaves you, no other woman will add up in your mind and no woman deserves to be a stand in for the perfect one that ran away.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

why would you look at porn when you had what every mans dreams of ?

if my wife was as sexually with me as that I'd never want to look at porn.

real live women who shows desire and wants to bangs or have sex daily. or some woman faking it on the computer screen. 

I know which one I'd pick every time.


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## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> Your wife set a solid boundary. You look at porn, the marriage is over. You broke the boundary and you should be damn glad she didnt actually divorce you. You broke her trust, and you now have to earn it back.
> 
> What would I do?
> 
> ...


Yes your right I am very lucky she didn't leave me.

Our sex life wasn't always amazing. I felt at times that we weren't connected. I was afraid to ask for things. Like one time I asked to watch her finger herself, she said yeah okay, after a min. or so she started crying ran to the bathroom and when she came back to the bed asked for a divorce. That obviously she's not what I want. 

I couldn't ask for lingre, I'm not good enough for you? She'd ask. All these things mess with your head, so I stopped asking for anything that I wanted, got what she would give me and yes, looking at women who liked showing off their bodies became enticing. Did I ever once deny her sex because I'd rather look at porn, hell no, but when my sexy wife wouldn't flaunt what she had, yes it was frustating. She at times would try to hide herself from me, like she wasn't comfortable with me looking at her and all I wanted was to feast my eyes on her beauty.

We married young, at 19. We've been through a lot. Never cheating, but a lot. She was raised in a very, very religious home, and I guess we both learned as we were going along. And no the time line is not correct. 

1) I got to marry an amazing woman
2) I looked at porn and was caught, promised I would not do it again.
3) For a period didn't look at porn and after feeling of frustartion and so forth set in I ended up looking at porn.
4) Wife wanted a divorce and we were seperated for about a week.
5) My wife and I talked and talked all night at times, didn't eat and all that, reconciled and began a new life together
6) Began having amazing sex, we felt connected together and just gel'd. 
everything is fantastic. 
7) I do not look at porn, she believes I will, once a week will say out of the blue, we need to seperate. Lets get divorced. It's going to end eventually so why not now. It'll be easier if we just end it then if I find out you are lying to me again...

So I understand and she tells me, you get tired of me always saying I want a divorce huh? And I tell her for lying to her and breaking her trust, I will do whatever I have to to win it back. But some things are just making me crazy.

I just want her to know that all I want is her, and she just can't believe it. After two years isn't that enough to win back her trust. I understand what I did, I will never do it again.


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## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> why would you look at porn when you had what every mans dreams of ?
> 
> if my wife was as sexually with me as that I'd never want to look at porn.
> 
> ...


That's exactly it, I don't look at it any more, I have what I want. She just doesn't believe it.


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## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

Cogo123 said:


> Maybe but you cannot go on being under the microscope for who knows how long. If you do not need porn then that should become a nonissue eventually. Its the trust issue that is hard to deal with.
> Its really great that you love her as much as you do. I know she will have a difficult time finding that with anyone else. Men may love her for what she looks like but your love seems deeper than that. As you know as we age our looks fade and you grow old together. That is what I hope for both of you. It seems to me like she is just hurt. Like her ego was deflated a little. Being so pretty she would think that you would not need porn. We all do things that may surprise others like you looking at porn. That does not mean that you do not love her. My husband loooks at porn once in a great while but that doesn't mean he doesn't love me or the time we spend together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm still trying to understand the whole thing. I know looks can fade but I look forward to being with her the rest of my life. I see older couples holding hands and smiling and I want that to be us.

I guess l'm just curious what other people would do. Everyone has their opinion. Not completely understanding the entire situation her own brother said she shouldn't be telling me she wants a divorce all the time and her wouldn't take that. But I know I betrayed her trust, sometimes I think she's taking the earning trust back thing a little far. 

And I'm not trying to be shallow by bringing up her looks, Im not, I love her deeply and her amazing looks are a bonus. I guess I'm just trying to see how other people would handle being told their marriage is over, have to fight for it and be worried often that at any minute your spouse will say its over.

Usually every morning when I'm at work, I get a text from her when she wakes up, and we text throughout the day. If she wakes up and has had a dream we divorced or something causes her to think we won't make it, she won't text me. And here I am at work, sick in the stomach, waiting for her 1st am text. Sometimes the first text is why we can't be together, sometimes there's something going on like she was on the phone with her sister and lost track of time. But I hate always feeling nervous about our life together, because I never know if she's going to say it's over. 

I understand I broke her trust but what would you do. Since when things are good, they're great? Would you do what you have to do to keep her by your side or say enough already, either trust me or don't?


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## wise1 (Jan 10, 2012)

you are so focused on your selfish needs, and only refer to her beauty and sexual aptitude. why else do you want to be with her? do you love her? are you treating her with respect...not sure since you post her private sexual behavior for all the world to read just so you can validate your selfish need to look at porn and get others to agree she is being so unreasonable...you're a self centered ass and you need to grow up. What to do? ...seek counseling, learn what love and marriage is really about and she will likely decide you are worthwhile and forget about divorcing your self indulgent ass. Do you really think this is only about looking at porn? She is unsure you are committed to this marriage, she is unsure that porn will not progress to cheating in other ways...there are underlying issues here, get real buddy, spend time improving yourself, your relationship and she will be your lifetime partner that you say you want... and then hope you can satisfy all her needs when you are 50 and impetent.


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## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

toolate said:


> embrace what is going on with your wife as internal conflict over the fact that she knows intellectually she should drop you like a hot plate, but that she loves you and wants to stay with you.


toolate, thank you so much for your reply and sorry to hear your husband thinks abuse is ever ok... I never considered my wifes or any woman's behavior as crazy. I understand we are different. I also understand that I owe it to my wife to show her I am trust worthy, but have been doing it for 2 yrs all the while feeling sick to my stomach stressing that today will be the day she ends it. It's like I'm on edge all the time. Not all the time. I read her. If everything seems good, I relax and put my guard down and if I see her seeming distant or making odd comments I know that she's thinking about us seperating and wait for her to lower the boom. Then we talk about it and we are ok for another couple of days or weeks. Then sometimes everything will seem fine and she'll out of no where say she can't be with me anymore. And I will be like where did this come from. And we'll talk. Sometimes it seems like its over where it takes days to convince her I'm not going to lie to her anymore that I've learned a lot as a man and have changed. I can't go back to hiding anything from her. 

I just think that a large part of marriage is knowing that that person wants to be your spouse for life and right now I only know she wants to be my spouse for right now. I know I deserve to not be trusted, I have no computer time without her knowing, the only computer in the house is hers and she had the pass words, not I. I don't even have the pass code to our tv so I can't watch anything rated tv-14 or over. And I have no problems with this, I don't care, I want her to be comfortable knowing that I'm not looking at anything at all. I go to work and go home to be with my wife whom I love. I even go home everyday for lunch but nothing I do is enough. For 2 yrs living completley in the open she still doesn't trust me. I guess I was just curious to how people would handle that. 

The other day at the grocery store we were walking past the magazine section and she turned to ask me a question, I guess my head was not looking straight ahead and she accused me of looking at something in some magazine... I had no idea what she was talking about since I wasn't looking at anything imparticular at all. Just walking. So then she said at the store, she wants a dicvorce. I think that is a little too far. But, what can I do. I want to spend my life with her, so I deal with it and try to tell her that all I want is her.


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## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

wise1 said:


> you are so focused on your selfish needs, and only refer to her beauty and sexual aptitude. why else do you want to be with her? do you love her? are you treating her with respect...not sure since you post her private sexual behavior for all the world to read just so you can validate your selfish need to look at porn and get others to agree she is being so unreasonable...you're a self centered ass and you need to grow up.


Foucsed on my selfish needs? I did not only refer to her beauty, I stated I'm married to an amazing woman and on top of that she's hot. Our sex life is largely focused on her needs and all my needs are met when she's fulfilled and begging me to stop. That's just about all I care about, her needs. I treat her with the utmost respect which is why I cannot live hiding anything from her anymore. I wasn't describing our vast relationship to anyone and I never speak of our sexual relationship to anyone which is why I turned to an anonymous medium to seek input. I was simply describing a portion of our life. I'm not bragging about anything, and I never said I think her view, that I shouldn't look at porn was invalid. I think its completely valid. 

I was simply trying to get a guage on what other people would so if their spouse was constantly saying divorce, divorce, divorce, knowing you were the reason for it but have been transparent for the last two years...

How long would it take for you to break down and say fine, if thats what you want? Lets get divorced. And I'm talking all the time, some one got divorced on the news and an hour later, "we need to get divorced, we're not going to make it." Isn't being married knowing or at least supposing that you're married for life, not worried all the time your wife whom you'd do anything for and love with all of your being wants to end the only thing you want. And yes I know it's my fault and yes I know there needs to be a time of healing but two years of life living as transparent as possible means nothing? But when things are good, they are amazing and I don't want her to worry about our marriage anymore, but what else can I do. I just keep fighting to show her my words are backed up by my actions. 

I'm sorry if that makes me a self-centered a**hole. How long could any one stand their spouse continually, (once week or so) saying that its over and not just say it's over, but really mean it's over. We talk it through, work through it and she says, "Ok, I will try to believe you." at the end. How many people want their spouse to constantly be considering divorce and say that they'll just see how long it'll last and not know or feel that it will last. Why get married then? To her it's not an if but when will we get divorced.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Reckon you've got to call her on it. Get a book on divorce and get the papers ready for filing, you may be able to do it online and print them off and leave them laying around. Then discuss with her what grounds to divorce on so it’s “not contested and expensive”.


And just maybe, just maybe when you are discussing the grounds for divorce she’ll become enlightened to just how immature, childish and priggish (stuffy, pompous, prudish, prim, pedantic) she is being.



With all the other stuff I think I know where you are at. Some women just don’t understand their husband’s sexual needs until it’s way too late. You wanted her to wear lingerie and she refused? Believe me that is absolutely classic. In all honesty no matter how good looking she is she should educate herself on man’s sexuality, in the same way you should educate yourself on woman’s sexuality. Supersex a book by Tracey Cox (great surname) is an excellent place to start.

If your wife were to go out on a first date she would be more or less certain to be wearing things that are “sexy” even if they are not visible, that’s almost guaranteed. Why on earth they refuse to for their husband is way beyond me.



And start snooping. Start spying on her, a woman constantly calling for divorce may well be in an affair, so watch your back but do it so she doesn’t know about it.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I think she's testing you. Everything she is saying is borne out of an inecurity that she is not enough for you. She can't trust you because you broke your word and a previous poster touched upon her internal battle: she is battling the logical - she said she would divorce if you did it again, thus she should divorce you, with the emotional, which is she loves you deeply and wants to be with you.

I think you need to confront her but with a rationality for her insecurity. Be firm but understanding. Rightly you have been open and transparent for a while now and she needs to see the work you have been doing rather than focusing on the previous hurt. I don't think it is unfair to call her on it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's an odd, even extreme point of view you wife has but I can't say I haven't heard of it before. Some women, for whatever reason; insecurity, paranoia, etc. think that porn = adultery.


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## SecondTimesTheCharm (Dec 30, 2011)

Given how hot she allegedly is, maybe the thing about the porn isn't about trust at all...but rather that she thinks you may spot her in a porn flick!!! ;-)

Personally, although I find my wife very attractive, I couldn't imagine ever not watching porn...my wife knows I occasionally watch it but doesn't equate it to me cheating with another woman on her...if that were the case--my wife equating it to cheating with another woman--my penis would have been severed by a sharp knife long ago.


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## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

I think your wife is a nut job. She sounds like a freak who is insecure and obsesive. 

For every hot chick out there, there is someone somewhere who is sick of hitting it.

I mean if it isnt effecting your/her sex life, whats the big deal. If you sitting at the puter 8 hours a day jerking thats another thing.


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## TiredSpouse (Feb 10, 2010)

Man - this was major issue with my W during our most heated arguements. She deplores porn. She was sexually molested as a child by her grandfather and raped by her stepfather when she was 13. 

I know, how unsympatheica person I WAS. No matte how HOT a person is, desires are different if you feel their is something missing. Watching porn gave me a rush that I didn't feel with my W. I always felt that I couldnt tell her what i wanted because of her past. We didn't have a great sex life - maybe twice a month. She always claimed to have image issues and I always reverted back to porn because it was there. This was a major contributor in the breakdown of our marriage and I ended up being miserable to her. 

Go get help man if it is becoming a dependency.


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## Batman64 (Nov 25, 2011)

AFEH said:


> And start snooping. Start spying on her, a woman constantly calling for divorce may well be in an affair, so watch your back but do it so she doesn’t know about it.


:iagree: 
For your sake I hope there is nothing going on but it seems like she might be busy while you are away and that she is feeling guilty so she attacks to deflect. Perhaps the 1 week separation you guys had was her testing the waters to see how she would feel without you around. And if so, maybe now she knows she wouldn't really want to divorce you.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

What is your digital situation? How many devices do you have where you could possibly look at porn? If you only have your own computer at home, you could put a keylogger on it and show her how to use it to track your surfing activity. (I think some keyloggers for parents overseeing kids even e-mail periodic reports of activity so that parents can keep track of domains visited.)

Typically, I would be against such oversight, but you lost your rights when you crossed the boundary the first time. If you really aren't hitting the porn, this should be small concession that you can do to earn her trust. 

If you have work computer at big company, you might explain whether your company has automatic filters that pre-empt porn, as well. Good luck.


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

Want to watch porn... make your own... different places... role playing get creative have fun or hey just go at it... tape it and enjoy it later... If you want to look at porn, get her a tri-pod and a camera with a 10sec delay!!! Make up albums of her and of you two together! Label it star trek convention (kids you know haha) 

The point is when you have something so great and you have a need.... find common ground. This would be fun and hot for both of you... and once a day.... you will be compelled to do more than that!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Jbear said:


> Want to watch porn... make your own... different places... role playing get creative have fun or hey just go at it... tape it and enjoy it later... If you want to look at porn, get her a tri-pod and a camera with a 10sec delay!!! Make up albums of her and of you two together! Label it star trek convention (kids you know haha)
> 
> The point is when you have something so great and you have a need.... find common ground. This would be fun and hot for both of you... and once a day.... you will be compelled to do more than that!


That's what we did


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

This may sound like a lot of work, but sit her down and talk to her... tell her that it is something you do to get hot and horny for her. 

Explain to her that you enjoy porn upon occasion that it is something that gives you enjoyment, not anything compared to her as you mentioned but that what love is... is unconditional love, loving someone for their faults for their Joys and for taking someone for who they are!!!

I may not love everything that my spouse does but love them for who they are! The good the bad and the ugly! He says all the time I want a divorce... but in the end... and I hope he is full of it!

You realize that most of the people who read the first part of your story was drooling!!!


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Dellia said:


> Men don't understand how porn can traumatize some women. Sure some women are okay with it and for other women it equals infielity.
> For women who are traumatized by porn, it is a very real and painful threat. You feel she is not being rational in her behavior about it and toward you now, but you aren't understanding the very deep insecurities that porn causes her. You may have given up porn on the fly but don't think such a real insecurity on her part is going to go out the door just as quickly. For women who are scarred by porn, the threat and fear and insecurities are as fresh every day as if you did it just yesterday. I know. I also experienced this in my past and cannot get over it. You see, your wife sees the women in the porn as very personal. For me, these wome were the women who satisfied my husband in the most personal and intimate area of his being. It killed me. Afterward, every pretty or sexy woman brought on the image of my husband lusting after her and being satisfied by HER, not ME, as he did the women in porn. If I thought I was getting close to putting it all even a little bit behind me, we would go out in public, I would see a woman with tight sexy clothes, big boobs, etc, and I would get sick inside. Same with women posing in magazines (normal mags) or women on tv who were very pretty. I didn't want my husband looking at sexy music videos. It isn't so much that your wife doesn't think she isn't pretty or sexy. It's the painful thought that you were arroused and sexually satisfied to the image of women who weren't her!
> A woman, as illogical and unrealistic as it is, wants to think that HER man could never be arroused by another.   Ask her if this isn't true.


You know, this is really hard to swallow. The idea that a man can not be aroused by anyone other than their spouse is just silly and irrational. I believe if your wife feels porn is disrespectful or troublesome, then you should honor her request to abstain from it. But worrying about women in normal day life encounters seems like a real personal problem that should be dealt with in counseling... Just my opinion.....


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I dont think its about the porn. As I read the rest of your posts I see that you are frustrated with how long it is taking to rebuild trust and that she is not yet able to trust. I can now see both sides limited to what you post here that is, but both are frustrating. Her rebuilding trust process is slower than you think it should be, maybe even slower than she thought it would be. She may be picking up on your impatience (even if you say or think you are being patient), or she may be so scared bc trust is a core issue and it was broken twice, that she really cant trust you again even if she wants to. 

I can say I agree with you, 2 years is a long time... but agreeing with you wont help your situation. Maybe look at her actions and her words and decide that is what she is capable of, especially since she hasnt budged in the trust department. She always assumes you are looking at other women and assigns a negative and punitive meaning to it... that is her issue of insecurity. She tells you divorce is inevitable so lets just cut to the chase and get it over with... that is code perhaps for I cannot seem to trust you again and its far too uncomfortable for me to say that so its best to just drop the whole thing and move on.

if she isnt aware of what is going on within herself, her mind, then there isnt much you can do but teach yourself how to anticipate her declarations of divorce and let them roll off you. teach yourself to seeing them as her way of literally venting bad energy out of her system. I mean if she hasnt followed through she probably doesnt truly want it, she just doesnt know what to do with her un-progress in trusting... and places all of it outside herself bc its less hurtful than admitting she hasnt moved forward.

It must be a very painful place for her to be... and scary. Without going into detail about some hurtful experience she had growing up, you can view her as a hurt little girl who may simply need constant protecting. maybe she thought you were that safe person she never thought she would meet, her trust got broken and it was a triumph for her to trust again and it got broken again... if she has a core trust issue... ouch. yes, you did the acts to break that, but it is her responsibility to heal it. if its pushed under so far (which it seems to be) then trust may be near impossible. This is why I suggest that you just figure out a way to anticipate instead of dread the inevitable texts, insecurities and divorce declarations... as crappy as that may sound, you can decide to just accept that as who she is now. Maybe if you teach yourself to have that approach it will free her up to open herself back up again, but she may never be able to.

I hope this makes sense.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Batman64 said:


> :iagree:
> For your sake I hope there is nothing going on but it seems like she might be busy while you are away and that she is feeling guilty so she attacks to deflect. Perhaps the 1 week separation you guys had was her testing the waters to see how she would feel without you around. And if so, maybe now she knows she wouldn't really want to divorce you.


Or this! I hadnt thought about this bc your wife seems so insecure... but instead of projecting the stuff I mentioned, perhaps she is always thinking you are looking bc she is. Maybe. Guilt can make you act really weird. I just assumed women like me cheated... entitled to it, not insecure... but it could be "oh yeah, you cheated on me with porn, here is my turn!" But, if that was the case, she would be doing it obviously so that you "catch" her...

So instead of not trusting you, she is trying to get you back? 

Its a thought, but I like to assume the best in people... although obviously that doesnt work out for me.


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## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

Thanks everyone for theit input and people here make some valid points. I'm not worried about her cheating or spotting her in a video. I'm pretty sure about that. I think I'm understanding her a little better...

She had an issue with her grandfather, he molested her older sister and cousin, and he exposed himself to her, well that's what she says. I believe that's all that's happened. She said she's over it and understood her grandfather was sick. I don't know, that seems like a lot to deal with.

Also she grew up very religious, no sex talk, no mastubation, it was wrong. So those familiar with the bible know the part where Jesus is reported to have said, If you look at a woman with lust in your heart, than you have commited adultrey already. Well she took that part seriously. However where it says if you are angry with someone you've murdered them in your heart, well she's not sending anyone to prison for that... But I digress.

I have no smart phone or laptop. No electric access to porn. My only access to a computer she doesn't know of is here at work and just about everything is blocked here. 

So I think I know what I'm going to do, just stay quiet and enjoy the good times, and try to show her that she's being unreasonable when she is worried about this or that. I just may be the first man to be divorced because of something he will do in the future.:scratchhead:


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## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

She just text me, she doesn't think things will work out. She had a dream that we got divorced and she doesn't see a point in going forward....

God this drives me crazy...


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

But you don't know whether to take her seriously because she always does this. I know how difficult it must be dealing with this all the time. I wonder if you agree with her what her reaction would be. Is she doing this just for the reaction and attention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

She had a dream so she needs to divorce.

She`s either a complete nutjob or cheating on you and making up insane excuses to get rid of you.

Dump her


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I have had an increasingly-strong sense while reading this topic that she simply does not want to be married to you but for whatever reason does not want to initiate any action. Your post about the sex not being good until the first porn incident solidified that feeling.

How does she feel about your sex life? I know you love how things are now. Is it possible that she resents your sex life? I picture a situation where she feels you should have been happy with her old sexual output. You clearly weren't, so she decided to step up the sex to meet your need (which you say she has). But, rather than doing so cheerfully, she finds meeting your need taxing and wishes you would just go away.

Your thoughts?


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## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

DTO said:


> I have had an increasingly-strong sense while reading this topic that she simply does not want to be married to you but for whatever reason does not want to initiate any action. Your post about the sex not being good until the first porn incident solidified that feeling.
> 
> How does she feel about your sex life? I know you love how things are now. Is it possible that she resents your sex life? I picture a situation where she feels you should have been happy with her old sexual output. You clearly weren't, so she decided to step up the sex to meet your need (which you say she has). But, rather than doing so cheerfully, she finds meeting your need taxing and wishes you would just go away.
> 
> Your thoughts?


Ee-gad I hope not! She initiates sex as often as I do, and always says she want's me. in regards to our previous sexual output she is the one who said she needed/wanted more sex. Things were complicated, we wanted each other physically but mentally we weren't connected. Sex was like, not a chore but, "Oh dear god, I hope nothing happens to make her think I don't think she's hot as hell." I don't know if that makes any sense. Now that we have sex pretty much daily, if we go say three days without, she'll say I don't find her attractive anymore or something. Not always but sometimes. I'm not the greatest linguist. I'm trying to explain things as best I can, partly so I can fully organize everything in my head...

I did tell her that I felt her always saying she wants a divorce makes me feel like she just doesn't want to be married to me anymore, she said, if she didn't want to be married to me she wouldn't even be trying to work things out. She would have just left.

Tacoma, she is not cheating, there's nothing that makes me think she is. She may be crazy but I am too so there you go...

She is a very intelligent person, she analyzes everything and sometimes drives herself crazy in the process. 

She worries, like obsesses about things, like her health. If she feels what she thinks is a lump, she will be convinced she has cancer and has to have it checked out by a dr. to calm her down. She used to visit the dr. every two weeks to make sure everything was ok. And like she worries about her health, she worries about our relationship. She thinks that since I looked at porn before after saying I wouldn't she can't full trust that I won't do it again. So if something like a dream puts thoughts in her head about us getting divorced, she'll obsess about it until she can't take it anymore and will tell me we need to break up. That it won't work and so forth. Right now, I am trying to show her that I have been honest and open and that she has nothing to worry about, but just like her illnesses (that she thinks she has) she'll find something else and then it'll start all over. But when things are good and she feels inside that she's all I want things are fantastic. 

We talked a bit and I told her how I hated not knowing when she was going to tell me she wants a divorce. That sometimes I feel sick to my stomach wondering if she was going to end it, and she said well that's how I feel waiting for me to find out you're lying to me again. So I said "touche." I understand my previous actions are the cause of her stress and it would be unfair for me to say I'm the victum. 

She thinks me looking at porn meant that she wasn't enough for me and that I wanted every other woman, I see now that our previous "unconnected" sex life was the result of her feeling that I wanted other women. Once we talked and she felt assured I wanted no one else our sex life went through the roof. She acted completely different. So now every week or two weeks she starts feeling like I am going to look at porn again and I guess needs to be reminded, convinced that she's all I want. But all these thigns are messing with my mind. I'm trying to understand it and I want nothing more than to grow old with her but at the same time feel like I'm going crazy.

esh, also she starts saying that every guy looks at porn, so I will eventually. So then she wants to end it. I'm so tired of this. But I love her so much. I just wish she could after 2yrs of me being completly open about everything, she could have some piece of mind. Thanks to all who are reading this. Just typing all this out has kinda helped.


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