# No contact rule questions



## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

*Okay, I have read some on here and googled and read some articles. Have been thinking about going no contact pretty hard this week. What got that started was my ex coming over on mother's day. She mentioned guys in movies that she liked. And how she was flipping channels and so and so had his shirt off and that got her attention and she watched his movie. I made a comment about how they have all the time in the world to work on their bodies and she mentions some guy in town that she went to school with that has a body like that and that she bumps into him in town all the time. We'd been together for 4 years and apart for a year now and this is the first time she ever made comment of some other guy's body. It did bother me but I tried not to let on. And that's when I started thinking letting her go...because I can't stand the thought of her liking someone else. Or giving them that which she promised would always be mine. I still love her. She says she still loves me but it's not the same kind of love that it used to be. She even tells me she loves me. The last time it came up, she said their is no one else.

Anyway, if I go no contact should I just do it or should I tell her what I am doing and why? I realize I'll have to delete or block her on facebook. But what about her family? Do I say anything to them? Or just delete/block them? I have love and respect for them. Her 4 year old grandson was born while we were together. I love him too and will miss him. I feel like I am leaving him and them too. I was a part of that family. Her dad has always treated me with respect and has been very kind to me. No facebook though. Should I call him? Tell him face to face? i am conflicted. She was the best friend I ever had. And she says I am still the best friend she ever had.

All I can think about is her and how to handle this. Not all happy thoughts either. Sex was awesome. Then health issues and a loss of desire after a miscarriage caused the sex to stop. She promised it would go back to the way it was but it never did. I stayed with her even though we didn't have sex for the last year+ of the relationship. A lot of guys wouldn't do that. Now, if I call or text, she leaves me hanging and sometimes doesn't reply at all...UNLESS she wants something. Says she doesn't get a good signal, which she doesn't but if she wants something she gets a good signal and finds a way. 

I could go on and on but I am seeking advice on how to proceed. A lot of her furniture and stuff is still here in my house so that still needs to be dealt with. Anyway...advice?*


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

*And just when I am about to do NC, I read an article against it. 

Is It Wrong to Do No Contact? | |Ask The Love Doctor | Yangki Akiteng

Now I am even more confused.*


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

*Nobody's got anything?*


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

"No Contact" is going to let you heal, grow and move on. She is!

You don't have to do it drastically. You don't have to be mean. Just do it. 

Do it naturally, slowly, but methodically. No calls, text, emails initiated by you. Detach! Don't jump to answer any from her side, unless it's dire. Excuse yourself from invitations. Believe me, after a bit of time, they'll get the hint. They'll sense you're moving on and when they ask tell them you are moving on. Stop worrying about fbook. Turn off the notices so you won't see what they are doing or just get off it. (Fbook, I don't get why this is such a problem. It's so stupid, IMO)

BTW have you read "I'm a Nice Guy, the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet. Why doesn't she want me?" 

No More Mr Nice Guy

I'm sure someone can link you the 180...

Best


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I have no idea. No reference.

But I gotta say it sounds like you two are still married.

Why in the world would you bother being in contact with an ex unless you have children together and you have to be in contact in order to take care of parenting tasks? Just sounds masochistic to me.

But some people are masochistic. So, hey, have fun.

Edit: Oh, my wife adds maybe she is trying to get you to stop bugging her, and get the hell out of her life, and this is her way too subtle way of saying it. Women, what can you say.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you wanting to go no contact in hopes that she comes back? What is your goal?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

LostinMO said:


> *And just when I am about to do NC, I read an article against it.
> 
> Is It Wrong to Do No Contact? | |Ask The Love Doctor | Yangki Akiteng
> 
> Now I am even more confused.*


Read the article again, it is very specific on what to do. The article is against using no contact to maintain a relationship or win someone back. This is the exact same thing uttered all over this website.
Also, he is arguing form the "all relationships can be saved" standpoint so, he will argue for techniques which will create a better connection. So, of course, he is going to be against using no contact.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> I have no idea. No reference.
> 
> But I gotta say it sounds like you two are still married.
> 
> ...


*I still love her. And I have thought that she is hoping I just go away. I don't know. She doesn't come out and say it. She hasn't just cut me off. She still tells me she loves me. Doesn't sound like she is trying to get me to go away when she tells me she loves me. I DON'T KNOW man. It is confusing.*


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Are you wanting to go no contact in hopes that she comes back? What is your goal?



*I hope that she comes back, mainly. *


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She is gone.

What she evolved into is still in your life.

Her mentioning other men's bodies is trying to make you jealous.

Her stopping sex with you was the relationship killer. I will assume that her desire has disappeared not the physical possibility of having sex? 

Did she have a total hysterectomy and removal of the ovaries and Fallopian tubes? If so she would need hormonal replacement treatment to improve her sexual function. 

If she can have and enjoy sex, but she chooses not to, I would start dating other women. This will make her come around quickly.

Or not. This is what I would do. Force her to make a decision.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> She is gone.
> 
> What she evolved into is still in your life.
> 
> ...


*It was her desire. Miscarriage. Hormones. Physically she has pain too. That is why I was understanding. I don't understand why she tried to make me jealous. She is the one that left.*


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

LostinMO said:


> *It was her desire. Miscarriage. Hormones. Physically she has pain too. That is why I was understanding. I don't understand why she tried to make me jealous. She is the one that left.*


OK, I'm a bit confused. You two are Divorced, yes? SHE left and wanted the divorce? What were the reasons for the divorce? If you ARE divorced, WHY are you still so engaged in her life? it doesn't sound like you have kids, why why so much interaction? I would start detaching and start living our own life. Start limiting your talking/email/etc.. DON't tell her what you are doing -- just do it. If she questions, just say, sorry did't check my phone latetly, etc.. You really don't owe her any explanations.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> OK, I'm a bit confused. You two are Divorced, yes? SHE left and wanted the divorce? What were the reasons for the divorce? If you ARE divorced, WHY are you still so engaged in her life? it doesn't sound like you have kids, why why so much interaction? I would start detaching and start living our own life. Start limiting your talking/email/etc.. DON't tell her what you are doing -- just do it. If she questions, just say, sorry did't check my phone latetly, etc.. You really don't owe her any explanations.


*Never married. Ex Girlfriend. Was closer to her than the woman I was married to for 13 1/2 years though.*


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You've been clinging on like this for over a year. What are you getting out of this?

Man you aren't even getting breadcrumbs.

Is this the way you want to live your life?

You need to just cut this off. Go complete no contact and move on with your life.

I suspect you're looking for magic. There isn't any.

The longer you hang on the lower your status becomes. I suspect you're at rock bottom now.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I remember your thread.

Your wife is using you. She is so selfish that she will continue to hurt you indefinitely if you let her.

You want her back. No contact is not the way to get her back, although it would make her reach out to you. But it would be for selfish reasons she had, not because she loves you.

I encourage you to go no contact and start dating, just for friends and to see what is available to you and get your mind off her. Not to get your wife back, but to allow you to move on.

You are being used and played. You MUST stop this or you are going to lose yourself. Your happiness is not dependent on her, you just think it is.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

"I love you". Not like I did, but in a different way. It's an I love the way you pining for me strokes my ego. I love the way you pining for me makes me feel better than you, and I love the security I feel when I see you or hear from you and know you're still available if I need you. I love the fact that I can treat you like ****, and like a puppy, you just keep coming back for more.

Is this the kind of love you're wanting?

If not, discover live with a new woman.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ex girlfriend I get that. You like her, I get that.

Enough puppy love. Go for the Grown Pooches pouches.

You must progress. Yes, move forward.....more.

You went from wife...W... to former girlfriend...X.

That leaves two more letters, two more babes Y, Z.. before the well runs dry in Missouri, Mr. Mo.

Two more curvy sweet ladies that await your loving and kind personal brand of persona.

They are out there. I guarantee it. When you find one, present your dependent self as an Independent Contract-her. 

No more Mr. Nice Guy. The last one's ate your lunch, spit out your manhood, whatever was left of it. Uh, huh!

Be tough skinned but be happy and fair minded.

Hold on! Look out the window...look up. Y,Z are circling your prairie Adobe Abode, they are scoping you out!

Their tail feathers are moist.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

So she dumps you, and keeps you hanging on a string for a year, hangs out when she wants to, talks about how sexy other men are to you and you allow this?

Why would you keep going back to all this drama? Aren't you too old for this crap?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

LostinMO said:


> *All I can think about is her and how to handle this. Not all happy thoughts either. Sex was awesome. Then health issues and a loss of desire after a miscarriage caused the sex to stop. She promised it would go back to the way it was but it never did. I stayed with her even though we didn't have sex for the last year+ of the relationship. A lot of guys wouldn't do that. *


*
*That's because most men refuse to be welcome mats and eagerly accept the meager crumbs their unloving spouses choose to toss to them when they're feeling generous.*

*She's been gone for a year. I can't believe that YOU actually believe she's not seeing anyone. Sheesh.*




Now, if I call or text, she leaves me hanging and sometimes doesn't reply at all...UNLESS she wants something. Says she doesn't get a good signal, which she doesn't but if she wants something she gets a good signal and finds a way.

Click to expand...

*What a surprise, - she's a user. Nice guys like you - who are willing to be floor-mats for women to walk all over - *never* win. 

Never.

You're far too needy and willing to do anything to get her back and she KNOWS it. Women don't *respect* desperate, needy men they can order around and take advantage of and she doesn't respect you. But that's your fault, not hers. 

If you're going to fold like a house of cards every time she so much as _breathes_ in your general direction, then she'll continue taking full advantage of your neediness.

I have the feeling you're only considering doing this because you want to elicit some kind of response from her. Yet just another needy,, desperate ploy on your part to kiss up to her and hope she comes back to you.

Find your spine and man the hell up.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

frusdil said:


> So she dumps you, and keeps you hanging on a string for a year, hangs out when she wants to, talks about how sexy other men are to you and you allow this?
> 
> Why would you keep going back to all this drama? Aren't you too old for this crap?


*It was the first time when she mentioned it a few days ago.*


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

*Man the hell up...so nice guys aren't men? Only *******s are real men?

With that said, I am ending whatever this is. Just have not decided how exactly. She still has to get her stuff out of here.

Thanks all. I guess I am just stupid when it comes to this stuff. Stupid and blind.*


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Is this the kind of love you're wanting?


*No.*


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

LostinMO said:


> * I guess I am just stupid when it comes to this stuff. Stupid and blind.*


No, you're not stupid. You're just a nice guy who doesn't understand why others don't reciprocate your feelings. When they don't it's time to cut bait. You don't have to be a prick about it. (unless they are dense) You just need to detach when their goals aren't the same as yours. 

Have you even read NMMNG?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

LostinMO said:


> Man the hell up...so nice guys aren't men? Only *******s are real men?


Real men are nice guys except when it is necessary to be an *******. As one of my friends told me "you aren't being an *******, when you are telling the truth." Yes, there is tact and all of that, but at the end of the day waiting a year while she processed her feelings, dates other men and comes and goes as she pleases doesn't make you a "nice guy" it makes you look weak. 


"Nice guy" should really be changed to "Doormat guy" in certain contexts. You can be a nice guy, but not accept being walked on. You can be a nice guy and not accept crumbs of emotional support. You can be there for her during her time of need, but set strong boundaries of what you will accept or not. Controlling your life and how you are treated doesn't make you not a nice guy, nor does it make you an ******* for putting yourself first.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

anchorwatch said:


> No, you're not stupid. You're just a nice guy who doesn't get why others don't reciprocate your feelings. When they don't it's time to cut bait. You don't have to be a prick about it. (unless they are dense)
> 
> Have you even read NMMNG?


*No, I have not read it. May look into it. Thanks.*


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Real men are nice guys except when it is necessary to be an *******. As one of my friends told me "you aren't being an *******, when you are telling the truth." Yes, there is tact and all of that, but at the end of the day waiting a year while she processed her feelings, dates other men and comes and goes as she pleases doesn't make you a "nice guy" it makes you look weak.
> 
> 
> "Nice guy" should really be changed to "Doormat guy."


*I am sure there has been no dating.*


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

LostinMO said:


> *No, I have not read it. May look into it. Thanks.*


Here is the link I gave you in an earlier post... "NMMNG" Browse it and tell us what you think...

Best


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

LostinMO said:


> *I am sure there has been no dating.*


She's telling you she finds other men attractive, no sex for a year, wants to stay friends, barely gives you emotional support, broke up with you and you point out she isn't dating. Okay, I did get that wrong, the rest of what I said still stands.

Well, this explains why you think being an ******* is what people mean when we say "man up." Standing up for yourself is not being an *******.

So, why aren't you married if you've been together 4 years?


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> She's telling you she finds other men attractive, no sex for a year, wants to stay friends, barely gives you emotional support, broke up with you and you point out she isn't dating. Okay, I did get that wrong, the rest of what I said still stands.
> 
> Well, this explains why you think being an ******* is what people mean when we say "man up." Standing up for yourself is not being an *******.
> 
> So, why aren't you married if you've been together 4 years?


*I was in no rush to get married. Just recently got divorced before we met. She is someone that I could have married. It was just too soon to hop into it right away. And then things started to change after the miscarriage.*


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

anchorwatch said:


> Here is the link I gave you in an earlier post... "NMMNG" Browse it and tell us what you think...
> 
> Best


*That will take some time to read. I will get to it when I get a chance. Thanks.*


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

*So now...with her stuff still being here...I have to speak to her. She lives in another town now. So face to face? Phone call? Text or e-mail? *


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Why don't you box/bag up all of her stuff, rent a small storage unit for a month, tell her where it is and how long she has to get it? Should make any interface with her less stressful for you (since she won't be going in and out of your home to do the packing).


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> Why don't you box/bag up all of her stuff, rent a small storage unit for a month, tell her where it is and how long she has to get it? Should make any interface with her less stressful for you (since she won't be going in and out of your home to do the packing).


*It's a good idea if I could afford it and was able to move it all by myself. It is a lot of stuff. And some big stuff. Just something else I am thinking she has been using me for since she doesn't have room for it now and couldn't afford storage herself. 

I'll have to deal with her until all is gone that she plans on taking.*


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

*It's hard, too, because of the grandchild I mentioned before. Last time I saw him he came to me and hugged me. He knows me as pawpaw. If I do this, I will not see him anymore either. Do you all realize how hard that is to do?*


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It's her you're wanting. Truth is, you should move on and replace what you have "lost". You aren't going to see the kid, anyway. She's GONE BRO. Neither she nor the "grandchild" are going to be in your life other than your ex using you while you allow her to and keep making excuses.

Everyone wants a family. IT's PAST TIME TO FIND YOURSELF A NEW, LOYAL FAMILY.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY OVERDUE!!!!!

You keep having all these excuses, when really it's not your call, it's hers. And she made the decision a year ago or longer.
You MUST move on. You don't have a choice.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

No, it isn't just the grandchild. It's her stuff, it's the grandchild, it's love etc etc etc etc infinity. You are grasping at things to make it last. By the way, I realized why I stated dating.



> and *she mentions some guy in town* that she went to school with that *has a body like that and that she bumps into him in town all the time.*


When people you can meet or work with start being attractive and you feel comfortable enough to tell me these feelings I'm out.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

LostinMO said:


> *It was the first time when she mentioned it a few days ago.*


And that makes a difference how?



LostinMO said:


> She still has to get her stuff out of here.
> 
> Thanks all. I guess I am just stupid when it comes to this stuff. Stupid and blind.[/COLOR][/B]


You tell her via email that she has 7 days to remove her things from your house or you will dispose of it. Done.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

LostinMO said:


> *It's a good idea if I could afford it and was able to move it all by myself. It is a lot of stuff. And some big stuff. Just something else I am thinking she has been using me for since she doesn't have room for it now and couldn't afford storage herself.
> 
> I'll have to deal with her until all is gone that she plans on taking.*


Box/bag what you can.
The other stuff, give her a deadline for when it needs to be out, or you will donate it to a charity. The fact that SHE doesn't have room is (or should be) irrelevant to you. IF you pick a deadline, stick to that - and really DO donate it after that date.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

*I have been working a lot. I wrote her an e-mail just now. Have not sent yet. Work tonight. Want to make sure I give it a little more time before I send it. Will do so tomorrow or later tonight. Want to give a little more time to make sure I said what I want to say and see if I need to change anything before I hit send.

Not easy and wanted to put a lot of thought into it. Not too much but enough to get the points across.

In fact, here is what I wrote. Too much? Not enough? Constructive criticisms are welcomed.

"This “friendship” thing is not the kind of relationship I want with you. It is not working for me. I have been holding on hoping that you would come back and give us another chance and I realize that you are not going to do that. The pain is still there and I cannot heal when I am trying to hold onto you. I have been fooling myself this whole time. You have moved on and it is time for me to let go and move on as well. 
I need you to get whatever you want of yours out of my house by June 4th. I just ask that you don’t bring strangers to my house and don’t come while I am not here. I will help all I can. It has been over a year now that I have kept your stuff stored. After that, we can give eachother’s keys back.
This is hard on me. I love you and care about you. I have love and respect for your whole family. I wish you the best and I hope and pray that you find lasting happiness."*


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Shorten and leave out the relationship info. She knows it's over. She knows she's using you. She knows how you feel about her, and has been milking you as a result.

My suggestion:

The locks have been changed. Come get your stuff by June 4th or I'm taking it to the dump or giving it away. Please acknowledge you understand, and once you have your stuff, please don't contact me again.


Then send her a certifi d letter stating that she needs to have her stuff gone by June 4th or you will dispose of it. 

Your letter wreaks of neediness and last chancing. 
Cut her loose and move on in the coldest way possible.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

*Will shorten it and take out the relationship stuff.

Just a side note...I realize she has used me. But, when she chooses to do so, she is good to me. A lot of times when we've gone out, she has paid for everything. Especially when I was having money troubles. So there's that. I don't want anyone to think she has used me 100%. I get use of some of her stuff that is here. Doesn't make up for everything but I just wanted to point that out.*


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

@LostinMO I feel for you brother,because I know you're hurt and in pain. Maybe take a look at your situation from the perspective of unrequited love,because in my opinion it's basically what you're going through. There are a lot of good articles that may help you see things a bit better. Here's one... How to Handle the Pain of Unrequited Love


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

LostinMO said:


> *Not too much but enough to get the points across.
> 
> 
> "This “friendship” thing is not the kind of relationship I want with you. It is not working for me. You have moved on and it is time for me to let go and move on as well.
> ...


Short, not antagonistic, yet direct. Then resolve yourself to stay on point, calm but not backing down from what *you need*.

Best


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

LostinMO said:


> *I was in no rush to get married. Just recently got divorced before we met. She is someone that I could have married. It was just too soon to hop into it right away. And then things started to change after the miscarriage.*


OP,
I mean no offense by this but there are few examples more blatant that yours regarding an ex seeking "breadcrumbs" and being "friendzoned". You could be the poster child. You jumped into a relationship soon after divorce when you actually needed more time to find you and, much like a newborn, you "imprinted" on her. You indicated that it was too early to wed her but not too early to impregnate her?? I find this confusing.

Nonetheless, nothing in your posts suggest that you and she are now anything more than friends. You are helping her out by storing her stuff, having her over for Mother's day, she has even now become comfortable sharing her thoughts about other men with her "friend".

I realize that you have done all of this in the hope that she will return but that is highly unlikely. The moon is approximately 250,000 miles from the Earth. If the Earth represents her not coming back and the moon represents her returning to you and continuing your romantic relationship then your position is roughly 5 feet above the Earth, or approximately eye level, it is time to face it.

As to your letter it is acceptable albeit somewhat needy. However, as long as you make it clear that you do not wish to sustain merely a friendship with her then the objective is met. In all actuality it would not be a bad thing to have a friendship with her IF you could actually do that but you have far too many feelings for her for that to be possible. To attempt to be her friend you would be subjecting yourself to much more pain and anguish especially when she start to have romantic encounters and wants to "share" them with you. So, since you cannot overcome your feelings for her, then best to move on and let her find another friend.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> I mean no offense by this but there are few examples more blatant that yours regarding an ex seeking "breadcrumbs" and being "friendzoned". You could be the poster child. You jumped into a relationship soon after divorce when you actually needed more time to find you and, much like a newborn, you "imprinted" on her. You indicated that it was too early to wed her but not too early to impregnate her?? I find this confusing.
> 
> Nonetheless, nothing in your posts suggest that you and she are now anything more than friends. You are helping her out by storing her stuff, having her over for Mother's day, she has even now become comfortable sharing her thoughts about other men with her "friend".
> ...


*I have not explained everything in detail. We met. It was a great friendship.A couple of months before we became a couple. Not quite jumping in. Things were just right. As for impregnating her...she was going thru menopause. The dr said she could not get pregnant. We had sex frequently and never gave a thought to her getting pregnant. The miscarriage happened and we had no idea what it was until the dr did tests. Neither one of us knew she was pregnant.*


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

*As I was on here and thinking about and editing my e-mail, she called this morning. Had my ringer off so I didn't know until later. She invited me over today. Just now got the e-mail the way I wanted it and sent it. Yes, it took me hours. Then I texted her that I sent her an e-mail.

I really hope I did the right thing. My head says I did but it is still hard.*


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

LostinMO said:


> *As I was on here and thinking about and editing my e-mail, she called this morning. Had my ringer off so I didn't know until later. She invited me over today. Just now got the e-mail the way I wanted it and sent it. Yes, it took me hours. Then I texted her that I sent her an e-mail.
> 
> I really hope I did the right thing. My head says I did but it is still hard.*


Dude this woman is a grandmother isn't she a bit shall we say "mature" to be playing teenage jealousy games about movie actors and guys from the gym that she "runs into"all the time.You have sent your email so now she knows her game is over.The first thing you need to do is change your locks,you only need to change one if money is tight,you can bolt the other doors from inside.Do not just get your keys back it wouldn't be beyond her to have copies.Give her all her stuff back then break contact with her,Her grandkids.her family,everyone.
If ever a woman needed to be told to **** off it is this one.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

*I just woke up. No response from her that she got it and read it. 

Thanks for the support you all. I am alone and I do not have many people to even talk to about this.*


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

LostinMO said:


> *I just woke up. No response from her that she got it and read it.
> 
> Thanks for the support you all. I am alone and I do not have many people to even talk to about this.*


She's probably in shock because you finally called her out on her bs.Don't let her give you some teary eyed sob story,stick to your guns and insist she gets her belongings out of your house.After a while you may want to try again but if you do make damn sure it is on your terms.There are a lot of women on this earth who just want a guy who will respect them and himself,you don't need a drama queen in your life.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

She's probably laughing her head off because she knows that you won't follow through with this.

This is like something out of high school...she has a GRANDCHILD ffs. Both of you need to grow up.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My wife says the woman might be a little disappointed that she might have to move her stuff. But like you said, she probably knows the OP won't really do anything except keep on storing her stuff for free.

Wow, what a read. To the Original Poster: Stand up! Stop grovelling.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

*frusdil and william,
WTF. I finally stopped groveling and stood up and you still give me ****. I came here for advice and took it to heart and did what I was supposed to do. Step off my sack.*


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

We just see your patterns and want you to. Ha he them for your own good. It's obvious to anyone that you are never going to have a healthy relationship with thus women, EVEN if she totally changed HER patterns (she won't) and came back to you for real.

Stay the course and put her in your rear view. I know you want the get back with her, it it will not happen and even if it did, it wouldn't be like you pictured it. This relationship is poison for you.

Stay strong. Resist. Don't go toward the light, lol.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

*Andy and Evinrude,
Thank you. That is why I come here. For understanding and encouragement. It took a lot for me to do this. The friendship that we had and the relationship that we had was right. It was like it was meant to be. There are reasons that I have held on. I don't have time to write ALL the reasons that I felt that way. I try to put the main things out there. She was sweet and she was good. THEN it all started to change. Obviously I would be crazy to hang on to someone who uses me. But it was not always that way. It is hard to let go and, you can probably tell, part of me has been kicking and screaming to keep that from happening. 

I took a big step today, thanks to you all. But it's like some would criticize me if I did anything less than throw her crap out, set it on fire, go ape$****, etc just to show that I have balls.*


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I remember your threads about her. Yes, she definitely used you. You were given very good advice in those threads a year or more ago to go "no contact" and not look back. Why was she over there on Mother's Day? 

I know it's very difficult to let her go. But it's in your best interest to move on. She really is a user. There are plenty of good women out there who would enjoy being with you. Look for them.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

Openminded said:


> I remember your threads about her. Yes, she definitely used you. You were given very good advice in those threads a year or more ago to go "no contact" and not look back. Why was she over there on Mother's Day?
> 
> I know it's very difficult to let her go. But it's in your best interest to move on. She really is a user. There are plenty of good women out there who would enjoy being with you. Look for them.


*She invited me over for dinner with her and her family. I wasn't able to make it but she came over so we could go see a movie. I tried to still be her friend, hoping she would come back around. That's it in a nutshell.*


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And that is exactly what we told you a year ago wouldn't work. You can't be her friend while trying to nice her back into a relationship. 

I felt that was why you stopped posting. You were getting advice you didn't want to take. And now you're back. I hope for your sake that this time you can implement "no contact" and make it stick. It's the best thing for you.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

Openminded said:


> And that is exactly what we told you a year ago wouldn't work. You can't be her friend while trying to nice her back into a relationship.
> 
> I felt that was why you stopped posting. You were getting advice you didn't want to take. And now you're back. I hope for your sake that this time you can implement "no contact" and make it stick. It's the best thing for you.


*I was not ready for it then. I did not know what was being said to be true. I have exhausted all avenues that I could and now I realize this is what I need to do. *


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She's lying.

She's cheating.

She says the things that she says because she enjoys getting a rise out of you.

She hasn't cut you off because your awkward attempts at maintaining your composure while simultaneously trying to get her back both amuse her and inflate her perverted sense of self-worth.

Sorry.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@LostinMO, everyone moves in their own time. That's okay, it's not the same for everyone. The point here is that you're ready to move on now. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I'd say you gained, as you learned that others, even those we love, will put their own needs over yours. That's not bad, but when it conflicts with what you need out of the relationship something is going to give. 

When you're done with NMMNG, here's another read when you get a chance, that might explain it ... Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

*It's been just over 24 hours. When do I start to feel better?*


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It may be awhile before you start feeling better. 

Stay so busy you don't have time to think of her.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

LostinMO said:


> *It's been just over 24 hours. When do I start to feel better?*


That's not happening tomorrow or a least for a while. It'll go faster if you fill that time with other things. Try something that you use to love or something new, something you always wanted to do. Are you adverse to dating again?


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

LostinMO said:


> *It's hard, too, because of the grandchild I mentioned before. Last time I saw him he came to me and hugged me. He knows me as pawpaw. If I do this, I will not see him anymore either. Do you all realize how hard that is to do?*


Yes, I do in fact know how hard this is. My ex and I have a nephew in common, who adored me. 

You need to move on.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

LostinMO said:


> *So now...with her stuff still being here...I have to speak to her. She lives in another town now. So face to face? Phone call? Text or e-mail? *


That's a bunch of b.s. excuse making. She's been gone a year? Put her crap on the porch and tell her to come and get it while you are away, or else you are calling St. Vinnie's to pick it up or putting it on the burn pile.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

To be specific, text her that her crap is on the porch and come and get it while you are at work.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

Dude, I swear to you that somebody better will come along. I absolutely guarantee it.
Two years ago, if anybody told me that I would be having the hottest sex of my life, and enjoying spending time with somebody who actually enjoyed the same activities as me? I would have immediately dismissed them.

But, it's two years later and I am having the hottest sex of my life (I will be 56 next month!) and my gf likes the same activities that I do.

When you let your ex go, the new person can arrive.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

introvert said:


> Dude, I swear to you that somebody better will come along. I absolutely guarantee it.
> Two years ago, if anybody told me that I would be having the hottest sex of my life, and enjoying spending time with somebody who actually enjoyed the same activities as me? I would have immediately dismissed them.
> 
> But, it's two years later and I am having the hottest sex of my life (I will be 56 next month!) and my gf likes the same activities that I do.
> ...


*I hear what you are saying but this girl was all that to me. Before the changes. I suppose someone may come along. But it is hard to imagine she will be better than what we had at one time.*


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

anchorwatch said:


> That's not happening tomorrow or a least for a while. It'll go faster if you fill that time with other things. Try something that you use to love or something new, something you always wanted to do. Are you adverse to dating again?


*No not at all. Have gone out on a few dates, friends wise. I really don't have any prospects right now.

I kept one picture of us up. It was our first pic together when we were just friends. I thought that was acceptable. Anyway, today I took it down. Small step, I know.*


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

LostinMO said:


> *I hear what you are saying but this girl was all that to me. Before the changes. I suppose someone may come along. But it is hard to imagine she will be better than what we had at one time.*


She'll be better because she won't use you. 

Keep looking.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

Openminded said:


> She'll be better because she won't use you.
> 
> Keep looking.


*What I am saying is, she did not use me until after she left. She was in love with me. Treated me like a king.*


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And why did she leave?


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

Openminded said:


> And why did she leave?


*It all started after the miscarriage. The sex stopped. I was understanding and willing to wait. She said things would go back to normal after a surgery or two that she had to have. She is in chronic pain. Things didn't go back to normal.. There was more bickering. We were less happy. After a year of no sex, we had a big fight. She wrote me a note saying she thought she should leave but that we should remain close. She didn't even talk to me first. I didn't want her to leave. I was very frustrated though. I feel that she was looking for a way out and the big fight gave her that. But she said she had been thinking about it before that.

She had fibromyalgia so it hurt to even be touched, so I could not even snuggle up with her. A hug was pretty much it. And still yet I would have stayed with her and waited for things to get better. She really was my best friend. So it was mostly hormones? Part of the aggravation, for both of us, was that she had a couple of little dogs. I like dogs, don't get me wrong. But one was handicapped and he was a miserable little cuss. He'd be in her lap all the time. If I tried to give her a hug, he'd snarl and growl at me like he was going to bite me. Now...if it was the other way around, that would not happen more than once if it was my dog doing that to her. She'd put pee pads down in the kitchen. He'd piss on the carpet and I would step right in it in the mornings, more than once. And she'd go watch her grandson every day but she couldn't take the dog with her because she was afraid he'd bite the grandson. So I was stuck with him. Piss and **** in the floor, most of the time missing the pee pads. Sex had stopped. More and more frustration build up. One BIG fight.

I was aggravated and frustrated and she didn't seem to care anymore. It all just fell apart. What should have mattered more was that I treated her family good. I loved her grandson like he was my own. I treated her good. There you have it. Hormones and dogs. *


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

*And I remember shortly after we became a couple...she said she would wind up pushing me away. And that is exactly what happened. Even after she told me that she truly believed that we were soul mates and that we were made for eachother. And that she would never leave. Yet, here we are.*


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

LostinMO said:


> *I hear what you are saying but this girl was all that to me. Before the changes. I suppose someone may come along. But it is hard to imagine she will be better than what we had at one time.*


Only hard to imagine NOW. Will be hard to imagine how you put up with her crap for so long when you're out of it and with a decent wonan


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

LostinMO said:


> *And I remember shortly after we became a couple...she said she would wind up pushing me away. And that is exactly what happened. Even after she told me that she truly believed that we were soul mates and that we were made for eachother. And that she would never leave. Yet, here we are.*


You can tell what is true in someone's actions. Words not so much. 

Sent from my SM-T700 using Tapatalk


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

anchorwatch said:


> You can tell what is true in someone's actions. Words not so much.
> 
> Sent from my SM-T700 using Tapatalk


*That's just it. She told me she would push me away years ago. 

Anyway, thought about her all night at work. Maybe she wanted me to do this so she could finally get what she wanted. Me out of her life. Free to move on with less guilt. I don't know. Just some of the thoughts going thru my head. Like if there is any part of her that is sad about pushing me away. Or if she is just sad that she has to find a place for all of her crap now. Or if she is laughing at me and thinking it's about time I got fed up.

Also have thought that if she can push me away after telling me that we are soul mates...who won't she push away? Like, she won't ever find everlasting happiness. I don't know if I will either but I would never just come out and say that I am going to push it away eventually before it even begins.

*sigh* I'm tired and weary from all of this.*


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, she did tell you that and she eventually did it. So, for once, her actions lined up with her words. It would have better for you -- less heartbreak -- if you had believed her when she said it. 

Maybe she actually did believe you were soul mates -- and at some point stopped believing it -- or maybe she never believed it at all and just said it to bind you to her. Who knows. You can never truly be sure what someone else is thinking. 

This is going to be a long process. You can't fast-forward through it. The more time you leave for thinking about her the more difficult it will be. When thoughts of her pop into your mind, imagine a big stop sign in your mind. Redirect your thoughts.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

*She responded by text today. Said she'll try her best to have everything out by the 4th and will be over this weekend to pack stuff up. 

I know people say to move on and things will get better. Still yet, I am pretty crushed right now. Have shed lots of tears and have some pretty dark thoughts. Life sucks.*


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Allow yourself to mourn the end of the relationship, then commit to moving forward. Do not wallow in some long term pity party. Unlike the dreams of children, we know life isn't always fair. 

Best


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

*Have been reading about breaking up and letting go. Have read some of the link that was posted in this thread too. That has helped some. Lots of praying too. Reading and coming to this board reminds me that I am not alone and that does help as well.*


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LostinMO said:


> *It's a good idea if I could afford it and was able to move it all by myself. It is a lot of stuff. And some big stuff. Just something else I am thinking she has been using me for since she doesn't have room for it now and couldn't afford storage herself.
> 
> I'll have to deal with her until all is gone that she plans on taking.*


You have friends, don't you? 

Pay for ONE month's rent at a rental - $50 tops - and call all your friends and say you're having a 'Moving On' party and you need their help moving your ex out of your house and you're buying the beer and pizza. $75 and you're done.

Stop making excuses.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LostinMO said:


> *It's hard, too, because of the grandchild I mentioned before. Last time I saw him he came to me and hugged me. He knows me as pawpaw. If I do this, I will not see him anymore either. Do you all realize how hard that is to do?*


What are you gonna do? Tie her and her grandkid up in your basement so you get to see them?

Come on.

SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU. You can't force her to stay in your life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LostinMO said:


> *That will take some time to read. I will get to it when I get a chance. Thanks.*


:banghead:

Look, if you just don't like to read, you can get an audio version and just listen to it to and from work. 

Please understand that there's a REASON we all want you to read it. Once you start reading it, you will be back here saying 'I can't believe they wrote this for ME! It's my life! I can't believe it! Now it all makes sense!'


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LostinMO said:


> *I have been working a lot. I wrote her an e-mail just now. Have not sent yet. Work tonight. Want to make sure I give it a little more time before I send it. Will do so tomorrow or later tonight. Want to give a little more time to make sure I said what I want to say and see if I need to change anything before I hit send.
> 
> Not easy and wanted to put a lot of thought into it. Not too much but enough to get the points across.
> 
> ...


New version: "This has been going on way too long. I have changed the locks; throw yours away. Please come get your stuff Saturday. Whatever is here Sunday morning is going out on the street."

That's how you would write IF you had read NMMNG by now. And you'd be happy to do so.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LostinMO said:


> * She was sweet and she was good. THEN it all started to change. Obviously I would be crazy to hang on to someone who uses me.*


*

Lost, gently, she has proved to you who she is. She got bored and moved on to her next conquest. That is all. She's one of those people who lives life to the fullest and the man in her sights is AMAZED that a woman can be THIS wild and loving and out there so he becomes her cuckold...until she bores of him and moves on to her next guy to whom she'll shine all her amplitude on and bedazzle him. 

You were just unlucky enough to be caught in her cross hairs. I know many women like her and just like some men take women out and expect sex in return for their money, some women USE men up and then move on.*


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LostinMO said:


> *It's been just over 24 hours. When do I start to feel better?*


What have you done to MAKE yourself feel better? Are you exercising? Have you joined a sports team? Are you calling up your guy friends and hanging out with them? Are you volunteering somewhere? Are you seeing a therapist? _Are you reading NMMNG yet?_

I promise the book will help you feel better.


And this stuff doesn't just happen. You have to make CHOICES to start feeling better. It doesn't just come knocking at the door.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

*turnera,
in response to your questions...

"You have friends, don't you?"
Not really. Besides, getting her stuff out is arranged.

"What have you done to MAKE yourself feel better?"
Reading. Riding my bicycle. Read advice in this thread. Work a lot so that's about it right now. 

"Are you reading NMMNG yet?"
Yes, I started reading it.

Thank you for your comments.*


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why don't you have any friends?


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

turnera said:


> Why don't you have any friends?


*Not sure what to say here. I just don't.*


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And, when looking at the grand scheme of things - especially given that your girlfriend left A YEAR AGO...you don't see that as a huge red flag? (trying to help you here)


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

turnera said:


> And, when looking at the grand scheme of things - especially given that your girlfriend left A YEAR AGO...you don't see that as a huge red flag? (trying to help you here)


*Not everyone has a network of friends. I am a loner. So I am not sure what you are getting at. *


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When I was going to therapy, the one thing my IC kept pushing me to do was to get out of the house and hang out with other women. She said that my outlook was frighteningly myopic because I chose to be alone all the time, have no friends, experience no new things, basically have no fun. No wonder I wasn't getting better. 

So as much as I didn't want to, I called up old friends and went to dinner with them, went to an art show or something, signed up for an event. GOT OUT OF THE HOUSE.

I can't even begin to describe to you how much of a difference it made in my life. To speak to other people. To be around other people who were glad to see me. To be involved in things, no matter how small, from which I got a good feeling or pride in myself.

IMO, the REASON you are still here, a YEAR later, wringing your hands over losing this woman (and her grandchild!) is that you frankly have nothing else going on in your life. Of course she's all you think about. She's all you (think you) have.

And fwiw, I'm an introvert too. But there's a difference between a healthy introvert and someone who chooses to have no friends and can't move on from a woman who left him a year ago.

Get out of your house. Join a club for some thing you're passionate about, anything. Talk to people. THAT is what's going to help you move on and find happiness.

btw, friends don't just magically appear. People don't come to knock on your door and say 'can we be friends?' You have to actively put yourself out in public, smile at people, talk to people, get involved with people.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

*I have a handful of people that I consider a friend. Some are not in the area. Only a couple in the area where I am at. One is a female. She is the only one that I do things with. And that is just occasionally. I don't feel comfortable asking them to help me move her stuff to storage. Plans have already been made. 

Almost went to a movie with the guy friend. But I needed sleep. 

I know I need to reach out and be more sociable. It is not my nature. She is all that I had. Not close to my dad. My son has been alienated against me. No other friends, especially at that time. She was it. 

Anyway, read more of NMMNG tonight. Will finish it this weekend when I have more time. I do recognize some similarities. 

And still yet, even tonight, I was sitting here wondering if I did the right thing. She told me she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. So conflicted about the "friend" thing. I think I did the right thing.

Looked up groups and there really isn't any support groups for this situation in the area.*


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So pick a hobby to start up. Find a group that does that hobby. Nobody's telling you to become an extrovert. Just to start changing the balance in your life to something healthier, with a little more human interaction. Doesn't have to be earth-shattering.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

*She is supposed to come over tomorrow and pack up her stuff. Read some more NMMNG. Seeing some things that strike a chord but still have a lot left to go over. Not feeling as bad all the time so that is an improvement. Re-read this and the other thread, letting things sink in more. When I post, I don't post 100% of everything that goes thru my head. That and I feel like I alread posted in another thread so maybe it's a little dis-jointed and or I just leave things out. Like, some big reasons that I have put up with this. I have listed some. But she has a rare disease. 1 in 50,000 have it. So, very few people can understand. She takes a lot of meds for pain. I know, firsthand, that these meds have caused physical problems because of side effects and different meds working against eachother. I KNOW it effects her mentally at times too. So I was understanding. She cannot help that part of who she is.

Does that make up for everything? NO! But it should help explain some of why I put up with her problems and have hung on. It's not always so cut and dry. Some people are awful judgy.

Sometimes I remember things and other times I forget...but I remember her after leaving...and I forget what we were talking about...she said she felt like she was stringing me along. I guess that's because she was, for some reason. And I continued to let her.

This weekend and next will be rough as she has to come over and get her stuff out. Hopefully things will get better after that, quicker than they are now. Part of me still hopes she comes back too. Back when we were just friends, in the beginning...she made sure that I knew she just wanted to be friends, after I gave her a kiss (even though, come to find out later, she didn't). She told me she'd push me away if I pushed her. After that, I was with another woman, ONE time. When my ex found out, she got upset. Then she let me know she wanted to be with me. She said she was so stupid for doing that. So part of me wishes she would see the light and say she was so stupid for doing this now and that she wants me again. But I know that won't happen. Just getting stuff of my chest. Thoughts swirling around in my head.*


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

*And the hopeful side says...I'm the one she invited over for holidays...no one else. Not the guys with nice bodies. Me! That has to count for something, right?*


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lemme guess. If she tells you tomorrow she'd like to be with you again, you'd drop everything and IMMEDIATELY move all her stuff back into all the rooms and ask you what else you can do to please her. Right?


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

turnera said:


> Lemme guess. If she tells you tomorrow she'd like to be with you again, you'd drop everything and IMMEDIATELY move all her stuff back into all the rooms and ask you what else you can do to please her. Right?


No. Still not easy and have lots of emotions going on right now.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

LostinMO said:


> *It was the first time when she mentioned it a few days ago.*




Just go no contact, just don't reach out to her and don't answer her if she reaches out to u. Get out there and spend time with other women. I know u feel she is ur best friend but she doesn't feel the same way. U r a convenience to her, plain and simple. Don't waste ur life on her. Find someone that u can go out and do things with, that makes u laugh, that likes u for u, not what u can do for them. Life is too short to waste on someone who's using u. U don't have to make an official statement to anyone. Just stop reaching out and responding. She will get the clue.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

I feel like such a fool. She came over to pack stuff up, which she did. Still moving it out. But I told her why this was happening. And when it comes down to it, I may have misunderstood her. Apparently I misunderstood the context of the movie star conversation. And the local guy, she does not run into all the time. And when she does, he always has a woman with him. She said she didn't mean to hurt me. 

She reiterated that she is not coming back and that she wants me to let go and move on. She still wants to be friends but she doesn't want me holding on. She wants me to meet others. She wants me to do what is best for me. She said holding on is not healthy for me. 

So it is not so much her, it is ME!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, yeah...what we've been saying.


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

Process, everyone's process is different and for some it takes longer than others. You Lost had hope and there's nothing wrong with hoping. However, your exgf has been honest and you have to accept the reality of that. You have to change your thoughts toward what is verses what was or what could be. She is done. 

Mourn what was. Embrace what is and if you dare hope, hope for what ever you desire elsewhere. Believe that you are lovable and will find love again. 

This is your process. Learn from it. Feel it. Move forward thinking positively. You can do it!!


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

Joyfull said:


> Process, everyone's process is different and for some it takes longer than others. You Lost had hope and there's nothing wrong with hoping. However, your exgf has been honest and you have to accept the reality of that. You have to change your thoughts toward what is verses what was or what could be. She is done.
> 
> Mourn what was. Embrace what is and if you dare hope, hope for what ever you desire elsewhere. Believe that you are lovable and will find love again.
> 
> This is your process. Learn from it. Feel it. Move forward thinking positively. You can do it!!


Thank you. I think I have the mourning part down pat! But I keep thinking it is somehow my fault. If I would have done this or if I wouldn't have done that, we'd still be together. Still trying to grasp what is so I can embrace it. Having a very hard time feeling like I am lovable and will find love again. Trying to hang in there though.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LostinMO said:


> If I would have done this or if I wouldn't have done that, we'd still be together.


Why? Specifically. Why? What did you do to drive your spouse away?


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

turnera said:


> Why? Specifically. Why? What did you do to drive your spouse away?


Nothing. And, again, she is not my spouse.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sorry, girlfriend. 

So if you did nothing, don't beat yourself up, ok? Look at this from 30,000 feet so that you don't go down that path. You have nothing to blame yourself for.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

Certainly the miscarriage wasn't my fault but she said that's when things started to change. If I was able to love her dogs like she did, I am sure we'd still be together. The one was such a mean little **** though. She even caught the bouquet at her daughter's wedding. So much for that fairy tale. The relationship had all the signs of supposing to be together forever. And I still lost it.

Not trying to beat a dead horse. Just still processing things and trying to get over it all.


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