# Three things I find myself resenting my W for



## father-of-3 (Apr 25, 2010)

No matter how hard I have tried over the past several years, some things I just cannot put to rest in light of an unhealthy & unsatisfying marriage. I am wondering if these are the tipping point that have finally led me to come to terms with the belief that waiting for someone to re-like me is not only a selfish thing since it takes away precious time and attention that can be focussed on other loved ones in my life, but also a bit on the pathetic side. If you don't like me, then go find someone else in life to like. That would seem to apply to spouses as well as anyone else one would think.

The three things that continue to drive the resentment wedge towards my wife deeper and deeper as the marriage continues to derail are:

1. Me having gone through surgical alteration. This was agreed to by me as a sacrifice to my W's concerns about another pregnancy with the pre-condition that it would ease her mind and in her words would make it that much more comfortable and appealing for us to enhance the closeness we already had. That in a nutshell was a con and in my mind a premeditated one. My W had no such intentions. For this I resent her.

2. Deciding that our marriage is not worth anything anymore based on "little things" from the past. That term is not mine. It is the one that my W consistently uses when we talk over what is, what was, and what might be. Notihng that anyone would consider a major red flag ever comes out of the discussions as the cause of the downturn. I ask and ask, and always get the same. "It's the little things." For making such an important decision based on little things is another source of resentment I hold towards her.

3. Dishonesty is the final point of resentment. Being told that I do not communicate when I know I do all the time, and being told by someone who's practice of communication consists of nit picking and nagging (personally not my idea of healthy communication) is yet another crux. It is hard to work at something with someone not playing by the rules. Were it for not knowing how, that would be one thing. But that is far from the truth -- hence the dishonesty part.

So here are the three things I find hard to get past. If I ignore them, then I have no integrity as a person. Forget any ego thing, it's not that. So I am now at a stage where the numerous threats of separation from my W are no longer really scary things. It's really a welcomed natural progression and one that I am now contemplating expediting to its conclusion rather than letting hang in the air as my W favors.

Is there something wrong with reaching such a state?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I think back to the few times my W - who is mostly delightful and fun and sane - has been uber aggressive. EVERY time she has my response has been - oh ok - if that is what you want here let me help you. 

When told on two separate occasions about a year or so apart that she was tired of having sex (we have a lot I thought she was ok with that) with me my response:

I love you and want you to be happy. The last thing in the world I want is you to feel obligated to do something you dislike. So we will agree to some ground rules and I will take a lover. I will be discreet - the kids won't know - nor will our friends. 

Both times that conversation happened I got saturation bombed with sex for a couple straight weeks. See what being agreeable gets you. 

When she told me she wanted space - I started going away for 3 day weekends to visit friends until she said "I miss you - stop going away". 

OK sure. I live to serve. 

When she said she wanted to be apart I quietly said "I don't want that - still if you need it - would you prefer me to move out or do you want to?" Later that day she apologized for being psycho-*****. 

If she brought it up again I would simply repeat my question and ask if we could nail down the timing. 

We have been together 21 years. Neither has ever strayed or separated. Still much as I love her I am not here to be her "whipped dog" when she is having a bad day. 





father-of-3 said:


> No matter how hard I have tried over the past several years, some things I just cannot put to rest in light of an unhealthy & unsatisfying marriage. I am wondering if these are the tipping point that have finally led me to come to terms with the belief that waiting for someone to re-like me is not only a selfish thing since it takes away precious time and attention that can be focussed on other loved ones in my life, but also a bit on the pathetic side. If you don't like me, then go find someone else in life to like. That would seem to apply to spouses as well as anyone else one would think.
> 
> The three things that continue to drive the resentment wedge towards my wife deeper and deeper as the marriage continues to derail are:
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

We have had plenty of "fights" over the years and for sure when truly provoked I have gotten angry. In these 3 conversations, I really did feel calm. I wasn't containing fear or anger, just not feeling it. 




breeze said:


> I'm shocked MEM11363, and amused. To remain so calm and in control through such storms, is something I would hope to one day be able to do.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

father-of-3 said:


> No matter how hard I have tried over the past several years, some things I just cannot put to rest in light of an unhealthy & unsatisfying marriage. I am wondering if these are the tipping point that have finally led me to come to terms with the belief that waiting for someone to re-like me is not only a selfish thing since it takes away precious time and attention that can be focussed on other loved ones in my life, but also a bit on the pathetic side. If you don't like me, then go find someone else in life to like. That would seem to apply to spouses as well as anyone else one would think.
> 
> The three things that continue to drive the resentment wedge towards my wife deeper and deeper as the marriage continues to derail are:
> 
> ...


My thoughts:

1 - Get over it. At a minimum she saw that the marriage was headed south and the last thing she wanted was another kid with you. But perhaps she thought that not needing to worry about pregnancy could possibly make you closer. Unless she performed surgery on you while you were sleeping, you were part of the decision. If you didn't think it through, you're a fool. if you did, then live with the decision.

2 - Stop talking about the past. If you did something wrong and have corrected your ways, then explain to her that discussions are not going down the "past" rat holes any longer. You will talk about current issues and the future but will not dwell on the past, especially if they are "little things". but keep something in mind... death by a thousand pin pricks is just as deadly as a single fatal blow and will kill a marriage eventually.

3 - Lack of communication. If you are like me, the onset of nagging and nit picking just made me clam up. I couldn't say anything that wasn't criticized. I bet the two of you would argue which came first, her nagging or your lack of communication. I would suggest trying to start fresh in your own mind and put aside the resentment. if she is nagging, explain that you can't communicate with her if all she wants to do is complain about you. Her backing off will get you to open up more.

Marriage counseling will help. It gives you a neutral ground to discuss these issues without the discussion developing into a resentful argument.


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