# Struggling Today



## SelfReflection (Sep 27, 2017)

Hi ladies. I'm in the midst of learning a lot about myself as well as accepting that the current relationship I'm in is likely very toxic. 

I am actually struggling to even find the words to express myself here. 

Everything feels so heavy today. I am absolutely an emotional wreck yet I am keeping it together to get through this work day. 

Recently I've asked myself a ton of questions about ME and there is no solid answer. 

What is my religion? Do I believe in God or is it that I was brought up to believe in God? 

Why don't I do more for myself like give up bad habits (smoking, or staying up too late when I know it will be hard to rise in the morning)?

Who am I? What do I want? Can I figure all of that out in my current situation?

Do you all ever feel this way? What helped you? 

It's possible that today I feel lonely. I don't really know. I just feel so lost. This is a big ol world and it seems that lately nothing makes sense or feels right.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

SelfReflection said:


> Hi ladies. I'm in the midst of learning a lot about myself as well as accepting that the current relationship I'm in is likely very toxic.
> 
> I am actually struggling to even find the words to express myself here.
> 
> ...


This is your second thread on your toxic relationship.Has anything changed,has he got a job or did you throw him out?
If you do nothing to improve your life then your life will stay the same.


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## SelfReflection (Sep 27, 2017)

This is your second thread on your toxic relationship.Has anything changed,has he got a job or did you throw him out?
If you do nothing to improve your life then your life will stay the same.[/QUOTE]

Is there a limit on how many times one can post about the same issue? 

I came here for support. Guidance. Advice. To get a sense of not feeling alone. 

No he hasn't found a job yet and no I haven't thrown him out. I don't know how zoning him out while I gain strength and finances to leave means I'm doing nothing about my life. I'm working with on a lot actually and it's quite overwhelming. 

Maybe coming here was a mistake. Is there another forum I should look into?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You need to focus on yourself. Get into amazing shape, it's the best way to start. It will take 100% of your concentration and will power. Eating and drinking healthy, giving up any bad habits (booze, soda, candy, smoking, etc), and exercising 60 minutes a day is no joke. Make it your new and only addiction. Only a few people can do it over the long run, which is why it's worth it at the end of the day. 

I also gave up on religion, it was holding me back. I was raised on it and once I started thinking for myself and owning it, I realized that there's no concrete proof. Religion was used to control people and still is, amazing what people will do because of religion. I still go to church, because my fiancee likes to. I consider myself agnostic, as no one will every know how the universe came into play. It's all theories and I love learning about them all.

If you need meds, don't be shy to see your primary care doctor. S/he will get you on meds to help with your mood. This isn't permanent, so don't think you will be on meds your entire life.

This is a great forum. Keep posting and don't go anywhere!


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

It is a big old world and easy to get swallowed in it if you stand too close... so let's take a step back for a moment.

We don't get solid answers with every question, or at times even one... and that's ok.

What's not healthy is expecting they come when we want them, especially on demand. We make ourselves anxious that way and take away our chances for the peace we deserve and the love we have for ourselves in that impatience.

When I recommend taking a breath to calm, I think of it as 10-14 seconds of doing something just for me.

No one else, no other expectations, just slowly draw in a good breath for 4 seconds, hold it for 3, then begin to release it for 5-7 seconds.

Do this 3-4 times in a row pushing aside everything else thinking of nothing but the breath... you have just meditated.

Try it and let me know what you think.

Spiritually is often associated with religion alone and although it's easy to get into a place where you feel bound to a faith, it's your heart that tells you what you feel good about, or struggle with... listen to it.

You are dealing with too many minds and feel flooded by your thoughts... been there, done that, I have the designer collection of t-shirts that go with it.

They are more useful as rags now.

Think of basics... I am going to attach something for you to look and and if you can use it great, I review this constantly to see where I land in life not as an expectation, because I will mess up from time to time, but something to lift myself up with as I say "hey, I did that one really well today". 

If you are in the wrong relationship you will struggle a lot. Even in the right relationships you will struggle some but you will never feel lonely for it. I am learning myself that being alone does not mean lonely, a missing connection means you are looking outside for happiness, look within.


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## SelfReflection (Sep 27, 2017)

Thanks. I am really trying. I feel as though I posted here instead of contacting him.

Earlier in the week I thought if I could just talk to him and lay out my feelings without fear of his backlash and we could talk, really talk, I'd feel better and be able to focus. That wasn't a good idea. I have lost my own power it seems.

I began an audiobook called Codependent No More. I listened to the first chapter that included a narrated story of someone that is Codependent. I sobbed. It was my life. Word for word and feeling for feeling I was listening to myself and I began to wonder if I have always been "this way". If I have, I want to change it. Yet I don't know how to. 

I like the idea of 100% focus on myself but it is hard to block out everything else. I started a workout regimen and at first I was hitting it hard. I did feel good on those day even though I was so afraid to start. Another thing there that I don't know understand. What am I so afraid of? But, I slacked. I told myself I would workout this week and I haven't yet. I told myself I will have to force it each day until I don't fear or dread it. Is that normal?

I think the religion question has sucked some of the life out of me. I do enjoy going to church. I haven't been since I was baptized months ago. There seems to be too much pressure and I know that I pressure I place on myself. 

I want to be ok with who I am. I want to be able to see things in myself that I don't like or wish to improve upon and actually have the energy and motivation to work on those things. 

Where has my drive gone? Where has my motivation gone? Did I ever really acquire those characteristics and have I always been incredibly insecure? I have. I know I have. This relationship just made it all worse. 

How does one change who they are all together? It feels like a total mind body soul makeover is long over due. 

I will make myself go today. I will make myself workout. Then what? Once I'm hope, inhabiting the same space as he, how do I behave? What do I do with myself once I realize my world revolves around him and I want that to stop?

I am so very sorry for this long rambling post. I am just really doing some soul searching. I know I'm trying and I don't feel that I'm trying the right way or hard enough.


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## SelfReflection (Sep 27, 2017)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> It is a big old world and easy to get swallowed in it if you stand too close... so let's take a step back for a moment.
> 
> We don't get solid answers with every question, or at times even one... and that's ok.
> 
> ...


Thank you! I am definitely looking within. My lunch hour is nearly over so I will look at this attachment when I get a free moment. 

Breathing tips I will definitely try as well. What you said about problems and being flooded with thoughts is spot on. I feel like I'm going crazy here.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Don't go home. Go on a road trip by yourself and stay in cheap hotels. If you have a good friend that can tag along, even better. But nothing wrong with being by yourself. Hell, go buy a new Audi A5 Quattro convertible if you have the means! Life is short, don't waste a day. Tomorrow is not guaranteed, so live it like there is no tomorrow.

Being desired and having great sex does wonders for the body and mind. When was the last time you've had this?


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## SelfReflection (Sep 27, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Don't go home. Go on a road trip by yourself and stay in cheap hotels. If you have a good friend that can tag along, even better. But nothing wrong with being by yourself.


I wish I didn't have to go home. But if I'm saving to leave then I have to be careful about finances. I also have a daughter at home.


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## SelfReflection (Sep 27, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Don't go home. Go on a road trip by yourself and stay in cheap hotels. If you have a good friend that can tag along, even better. But nothing wrong with being by yourself. Hell, go buy a new Audi A5 Quattro convertible if you have the means! Life is short, don't waste a day. Tomorrow is not guaranteed, so live it like there is no tomorrow.
> 
> Being desired and having great sex does wonders for the body and mind. When was the last time you've had this?


I don't know how I missed the rest of your response. 

The sex department has been an issue for a couple of years now. The last time I felt truly desired and felt like I truly had great sex, I'm ashamed to say it but I don't remember. The last time he and I had sex was last week. He has been having issues in that department. He says it is him but acts like it is me. Last night during the argument he created he said "this kinda sh$& is bad for our sex life". I asked him if that were my fault. He said no but yet he slung the words at me like it's me. Or my fault. 

If I am honest with myself and with you here I am not sure that I have ever felt desired by him. There have been times of great sex with him but there was still something missing.


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## SelfReflection (Sep 27, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Don't go home. Go on a road trip by yourself and stay in cheap hotels. If you have a good friend that can tag along, even better. But nothing wrong with being by yourself. Hell, go buy a new Audi A5 Quattro convertible if you have the means! Life is short, don't waste a day. Tomorrow is not guaranteed, so live it like there is no tomorrow.
> 
> Being desired and having great sex does wonders for the body and mind. When was the last time you've had this?


There is more to this. Our sex life has never been what I would consider normal and it has created a lot of issues. I have never opened up to a single person about this so I hope I don't share too much.

He has ED issues. I am aware that the men in his family struggle with this as well. It happened in our sexual relationship very early on. He assured me that it wasn't me, that it was him. I went with that. But it continued to happen and became insecure rad lead myself to believe it was me. For a short while I began to think he was seeing someone else or "getting it elsewhere". I asked him, he said no. It continued to happen. I found a porn DVD in the player one day and asked him if it was his (I also have a son) to which he claimed ownership. He was very defensive about it and it left me feeling that he wasn't being honest. A short time later I did discover that he was watching porn very heavily. I did some research and found that perhaps he was becoming desensitized. I asked if we could talk about it. We did. He became angry and defensive again. He started to pick at my appearance at that point. It was my fault. He was attracted to me but not in a sexual way. That's when the attacks on my appearance began. 

I stayed. Had my mind been healthy I would have left then. I had never been talked to like that in my entire life. I thought it was me. But the more I tried to make myself look better the worse I became at actually doing that. I quit taking care of myself. I gained 68 pounds. I quit working out. I stoped caring about what I ate or if I ate at all on some days. He told me my ex husband just must have not had the ba!!s to speak up because I wasn't "all that". 

I know now that no matter what I didn't deserve that. And while my ex may not have been a winner, he surely never made me feel unattractive. 

I know now that my SO has some really deep issues of his own. I didn't know it then. 

Since then sex has been hit or miss. He struggled with addiction (prescription) and sex was hard during those times. It picked back up. Then went back down. 

In the past when he has gone soft we can get it back and he finishes fine or we can't get it back up and he acknowledges it's just not going to work and that's that. 

Lately he has been unable to keep an erection with me at all. He starts off fine and the minute he goes to penetrate it's down. He can get it hard again and the same thing happens. So I thought one night, let's try BJ only and I will see if I can finish him that way. It went down again and that night I learned he could not get off with me. Not by BJ, or HJ, and definitely not PIV. 

He starts off saying it's not me but when I try to push for a conversation he insults me. It's been my appearance, the way I move, he got distracted, he started to get hot/tired/cramp, etc. This last time it was that he smelled me and it turned him off. I'm sorry guys but I just don't believe that. I really don't. I would know if I smelled wouldn't I? 

Since that night, we have not been able to fully have sex. That was over a month ago. 

He will not see a doctor. I have tried to get him to do that. 

I feel defeated and I no longer initiate.


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## SelfReflection (Sep 27, 2017)

I want to add that in the middle of all of this chaos about our sex life he will play tricks on my mind. He will tell me it was smell and then he will tell me he loves fuc$ing me and that it was only once that smell was an issue. When I ask ok then what about the other times he has no answer. 

It feels like he puts me down and then tries to take it back. It's been like this nearly our entire relationship. I think this is why my mind is such a mess. But I let him do it. I let him get away with all of it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Ok first step in rebuilding yourself.....

Spend your days thinking of yourself, as someone else said, and as you have been starting to do. Stop thinking of him, like, at all really. Don't factor him in to your moment to moment thoughts. Just stay on yourself.

The deep probing questions you are asking yourself in above posts are great. I understand, they may not just cause answers to tumble out of you...but asking the questions and then hunting around in your mind and psyche for hints and clues to the answers is a great start.

When you are asking yourself about yourself (who am I? how did I get here? is this really me or did I just get swept into this type of life? what do I want, where do I want to go, am I happy?) don't let your mind try to answer with anything about your husband. Example: you start contemplating "what is a great new activity I want to do that is fun enough to me to keep me motivated?" and you think a bit, and you find your mind offering you things like "well I'd like to play tennis but I know he'd never go with me".

That's where I mean, just stay on yourself. You probably hear yourself trying to insert him into all of your actions and your decisions, even those that are simply about you, not him. Listen for this, so that you can tell yourself "nope....I'm talking about me right now, it doesn't matter if he will do it or like it or not". Then go and contemplate the question again.

Definitely stop trying to be anything or anyone to him...just try to figure out who you are first, and then present your real self to him.

This will take time. Your mind is way too wrapped up in him and your relationship. It needs to be focused in this order:

1. You

2. Your child

3. Everyone else

Now of course we will always end up thinking more often of a spouse than "everyone else" so why is he in category 3? Because I'm talking about your thoughts about YOU. Not thoughts about dinner or arrangements, etc. I mean your self exploration and those probing questions you are asking yourself. Keep your mind on you. Don't wonder what he thinks, what he wants (with regard to your inner self and who you are), don't think of him at ALL (or anyone else). Don't allow yourself to. Steer your mind back to you as many times as it takes.

This may be uncomfortable for awhile but just try it. It won't take long before your mind starts appreciating the peace and calm that comes from only thinking of oneself for awhile. As really....no one else is in our heads and we are not in theirs. It is exhausting trying to sort out what anyone else is thinking or their motivations. Trying to do so is one way we fail to learn ourselves more deeply.

I'm not saying "think only of yourself" as a way to be "selfish" or anything like that. It is not about generosity or empathy or anything like that. I mean inside your own mind....where there's really only you anyway. Get to know that space, and only you within it. 

A whole knew outer world will respond to you after you have some success in this.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

It’s always good to self reflect. Also I think this is a great topic to discuss. 

I always went about this question differently. For me, I always knew The women I wanted to be. Because I mean really who are we? We can be anyone if we really want to. Yes our up bringing and environment shapes us but they don’t have the final say, we do. 

So like I said, even as a little girl I knew who I wanted to be. And I don’t mean what did I wanted to do as a job. I wanted to be smart, successful, put together, kind, warm, generous, loving, friendly, Independent yet a great wife, and a blessing to my husband and kids, “religious” and moral, and healthy (in all aspects of the word), and happy. I wanted to be a great example for kids and for other people. I wanted to be the mom and friend I didn’t have ect. 

So I understand that you don’t feel like you know yourself. But we are all blank slates that get molded by our parents and environment to a certain extent, then we grow up and we can start to mold ourselves into who we want to be. 
There are also parts of me that I can’t change because it truly is who I am. I am emotional and super sensitive, that’s how God made me and I will never not be like that. So imo it’s all about realizing things you can’t change, and growing into the person you want to become.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

SelfReflection said:


> I began an audiobook called Codependent No More. I listened to the first chapter that included a narrated story of someone that is Codependent. I sobbed. It was my life. Word for word and feeling for feeling I was listening to myself and I began to wonder if I have always been "this way". If I have, I want to change it. Yet I don't know how to.
> 
> I like the idea of 100% focus on myself but it is hard to block out everything else. I started a workout regimen and at first I was hitting it hard. I did feel good on those day even though I was so afraid to start. Another thing there that I don't know understand. What am I so afraid of? But, I slacked. I told myself I would workout this week and I haven't yet. I told myself I will have to force it each day until I don't fear or dread it. Is that normal?
> 
> ...




Wow I think you are doing really great actually. You are so self aware, and thats the biggest thing. 
You remind me of myself actually, I am codependent and was stuck in a toxic marriage and upon learning about myself and my issues I’ve learn that some of my environment and friends/family are also toxic.
You and I are in the same place, we are aware and now we’re trying to create a new happy healthy life. I do good for a while, then I slip. But it’s ok, we don’t have to be perfect to feel like we’re doing good. You and I are both super tough on ourself and I think that’s also a problem. 

My only suggestion is...
Research how to make something a habit and try to pick one thing and implement it. Be realistic about how often you want to work out. And the best thing for us is structure and routine and getting into that groove and do it consistently. Try journaling your small daily goals and write in it often to keep yourself accountable. Or you can also make a thread here and use it as your personal journal, this way you can always refer back and you get encouragement along the way.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

SelfReflection said:


> I want to add that in the middle of all of this chaos about our sex life he will play tricks on my mind. He will tell me it was smell and then he will tell me he loves fuc$ing me and that it was only once that smell was an issue. When I ask ok then what about the other times he has no answer.
> 
> It feels like he puts me down and then tries to take it back. It's been like this nearly our entire relationship. I think this is why my mind is such a mess. But I let him do it. I let him get away with all of it.




He is super toxic. It is almost impossible to have some sort to healthy self esteem, and peace when your being mind screwed. So much emotionally manipulation and abuse.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SelfReflection said:


> No he hasn't found a job yet and no I haven't thrown him out. I don't know how zoning him out while I gain strength and finances to leave means I'm doing nothing about my life.


I haven't finished reading yet, but I wanted to comment here before I go on. You say he doesn't have a job. You say you need to gain finances to leave. Those two are antithetical. 

If he has no job and he's in your home eating your food and using your electricity, kicking him out would SAVE you money.

Carry on.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

@SelfReflection, I think you are off to a great start! You're getting great advice here, especially about breathing/meditation, focusing on YOU, and thinking about where you want to go.

I don't have much to add other than a trick I read about when I was in my own self-awareness/co-dependent crisis. I came across a pop psychology book by Beverly DeAngelis. The trick is to very consciously change how you "speak" to yourself in your mind. Speak to yourself and treat yourself like you would want your significant other to speak to you. 

This sounds very silly and you will probably feel like a total goof-ball if you try it. But actually, it is a very powerful tool. Wake up and tell yourself, "Good morning, Beautiful! What to do with this gorgeous day!" 

Be positive- strive to notice the positive things that you do in a day, the good things that happen or that you make happen. If you are friendly and make someone else smile, point out that you are a friendly person and it was a nice thing to make someone else feel better. Basically, you want to be feeding yourself positive feedback all day long. 

It's not that you tell yourself that you're perfect and do no wrong- it's that you couch your thoughts in a positive manner. If you wanted to go to the gym but don't get yourself out that door, tell yourself that you have the right intention and you will get there! Think about what other supports you can put in place to get there later today, or tomorrow AM (e.g. put dinner in the crock pot now and slip out to the gym when you would normally be cooking.) 

If you are trying to quit smoking- which is a truly great decision and you should be pumping yourself up about it!- then think about what you need to make it successful. Not "I suck, I don't know why I can't kick this habit, I am so weak". More like "I know I have to do this and it will be so much better when I'm done with this habit. It is a really hard habit to break. I fell short today but I'm not giving up. Let me think about what I can do to help myself tackle this. Maybe I'll try a nicotine patch this time, or pick up knitting so I have something to do instead of smoke." 

When you come up short on something- and we all do, most of us frequently- acknowledge that something didn't work. But don't let the Negative Voice in your head loose. You're a human being, and not a one of us are perfect. Replace that negative voice with a Positive One.

Be sure to provide yourself and surround yourself with the things you love. If you love flowers, get flowers for yourself. Get a treat for yourself on big days. 

What happens is, you build your own self-worth. When you look for the positive, you see more of it. When you treat yourself well, you won't stick around for anyone who treats you poorly. You'll see it clearly and quickly when someone tries to dump on you; there will be a huge contrast effect. Their junk will not be your truth/programming (usually what happens is, someone else's junk fits our truth/programming quite well).

Everything starts from within. This is a "simple" trick that is actually far from easy. You'd be amazed by how many women cannot look at themselves in the mirror and just think "Good morning, Gorgeous!" 
Their negative programming is too strong, they wince, they so profoundly believe they are unworthy. 

You are already seeing that your relationship is toxic; you're already questioning what you thought you knew. You are on the path of self-growth!


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