# Considering divorce



## sadnewmom (May 14, 2018)

This is so hard for me to write. But I need to share it with someone...

My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years (married for two). We met young (21 & 23) while we were carefree and broke. We had shared goals and lots of ambiition. We moved a few times together and eventually settled in my hometown, where we purchased a house and an income property. He has started a very successful business (actually two) that are thriving. In the past three years, in fact, we have gotten engaged, married, bought and renovated our rental property, renovated our house, and had a baby. It’s been busy.

We are both the kind of people that thrive when we are busy. As a new full-time mom, I have my hands full with our latest and greatest “project”: our eight-month-old daughter. But we don't really have a joint "project" right now...

I have found being off of work very difficult, as well, because I feel like I have lost such a huge part of my identity, and my entire universe is home. I do make a point of getting out daily for activities, errands, etc… but ultimately, I am really lonely. I have articulated this to my husband multiple times, as he tends to come home late from work (typically works 6 a.m. to 6 p.m.), and while he makes a brief effort to come home at a reasonable time, he kind of brushes off the reason why I want him home: I am lonely and I miss him.

Once he does get home, he plays with the baby and we normally eat together, then he might help get her ready for bed. But once she is down in the crib, he heads down to "manland" to watch shows that interest him or play video games.

Once again, I’m left alone.

Before baby, I actually don’t think that any of this would have bothered me: I get lots of adult interaction at work, and am okay with watching separate shows or doing separate activities, as long as we reconnect in bed. But now, it just feels like I am being rejected somehow… I don’t know. It makes me so sad. When we first met and fell in love, he wanted to spend every possible moment with me. I know that love changes, but I didn’t expect it to hurt quite so much.

Anyways, the other night, I raised the fact that I wanted to spend time together, and it escalated into a fight (we don’t yell or throw things or anything, we just disagree/discuss) about how he thinks I am unhappy and he just wants me to be happy… He went on to say that he feels like we are growing apart and that we don’t enjoy the same activities (we don’t, but we never have, and that has never been an issue until now, apparently). Finally, he said he thinks I might be happier if we were apart.

Honestly, when he said that, it was like my heart stopped.

I love this man with my whole heart, and the fact that he has even considered us separating or divorcing is shocking to me. I didn’t sleep a wink last night, and I am a mess. 

I absolutely LOSE my mind when I think about raising our beautiful daughter in a broken home. I just don’t want that for her. I know it many circumstances, it is actually the best thing if the family is dysfunctional, but I honestly don’t think we are dysfunctional… I think we are just normal. And we are going through a bit of a rough spot.

Our sex life has always been very good, and recently its slowed a bit (like once a week), but I don’t think that’s anything too concerning. I have straight-up asked him if there is someone else, and he says no, and when I asked him if he would be comfortable with me checking his phone to verify, he said yes.

I have already booked us into couples therapy (which he somewhat reluctantly agreed to), and I am desperately hoping they can help us figure out a way to fix things. I think we have such a lovely life together, and that no relationship is perfect… we need to work at it.

On the flip side of things, is now that he has raised the possibility of divorcing, I can't stop thinking about it (I tend to go to the "worst case scenario" in all incidents). I am so scared that if he decides to move forward with separation/divorce, that he will be able to take our daughter 50% of the time. I would just die inside if that happened. He's not here for her now 50% of the time! I feel sick just thinking about having to hand her over because he is bored, or just being selfish, or whatever it is...

Should I meet with a lawyer before counselling? Or wait and see? 

I am trying to give this a chance, but I also want to protect myself.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband wants some down time when he gets home. Can you two negotiate so you both get your needs met? Perhaps, he can spend an hour on his games and then you join him for a movie and cuddles?


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## sadnewmom (May 14, 2018)

Absolutely. I just kind of feel that this is symptomatic of a larger issue: that he no longer actually enjoys spending time with me and cuddling. For example, yesterday was Mother's Day (my first Mother's Day). He spent the day racing his motorcycle. I don't think that's really okay...

Also, I had expressed interest in going down south on a trip with him and our daughter and he said he thought she was too young and he didn't really want to spend the money right now... then two months ago, he went down south with a coworker.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yep, you have been Mom-a-fyed by him.

You, no longer a lover, now a Mother.

You are not wrong in this thinking. He has checked out.

You are correct on suspecting someone else, another woman in his life.
Keep snooping.


It sounds like he is bored with married life.

Yet, another example of marrying someone whom you are not compatible with.

As he ages, he may get better. But, likely not soon enough.

Both of you need counseling.

For him to talk divorce, means he has been thinking about this for a long time.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You husband is a new father (and, a bit of an insensitive bloke). Some guys don't take an interest in the child until the child gets interesting i.e. walking or talking or graduating college lol. Marriage counseling may be able to help you sort out the issues and get him into the father mode. Don't make a big deal of Father's Day and watch his reaction.

You need to communicate your expectations such as wanting him to make Mother's Day about you rather than his bike because if left to his own devices, you will get more of the same self-centered behavior. You two need to learn how to be a couple with a child (children) versus being a couple. You can work through this with a little guidance and patience. Good luck.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

sadnewmom said:


> This is so hard for me to write. But I need to share it with someone...
> 
> My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years (married for two). We met young (21 & 23) while we were carefree and broke. We had shared goals and lots of ambiition. We moved a few times together and eventually settled in my hometown, where we purchased a house and an income property. He has started a very successful business (actually two) that are thriving. In the past three years, in fact, we have gotten engaged, married, bought and renovated our rental property, renovated our house, and had a baby. It’s been busy.
> 
> ...


*So sorry that you're having to endure this!

Yes! There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking and receiving legal advice in the family arena prior to what appears to be a forthcoming split! I would make this legal appointment rather soon!

And file for divorce prior to him filing for it, as there are a few strategic legal advantages in doing so!

*


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

sadnewmom said:


> This is so hard for me to write. But I need to share it with someone...
> 
> My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years (married for two). We met young (21 & 23) while we were carefree and broke. We had shared goals and lots of ambiition. We moved a few times together and eventually settled in my hometown, where we purchased a house and an income property. He has started a very successful business (actually two) that are thriving. In the past three years, in fact, we have gotten engaged, married, bought and renovated our rental property, renovated our house, and had a baby. It’s been busy.
> 
> ...


Kids do put a big strain on relationships. You guys just need some compromise, you both need down time and you both need to come together also. 

I failed at this part but once you weather the storm things will go back to how they were before if you both want and work for it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Maybe marriage counseling. This to me is normal stuff that comes with marriage, you work it out. 

One thing I would say is how did you bring up you feeling alone? Was it, "you never spend time with me!" or "I miss you!" The second way prevents him from being defensive hopefully. I don't think you are done but I think you guys have to learn how to argue and you both need to spend more time together. 

How have you said this stuff to him? Angry or just open and honest?

Also sex is a big way in which a husband feels close to his wife. Not sure why that stopped but that would probably help both of you. 

Check your phone bill and check his phone. You never know.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

I think it's good that you are thinking about how to protect yourself but unlike many of the other cases here, this is still early in the process and early enough where it can be fixed/saved if he is willing to give the effort you are.

So, wouldn't worry about meeting a lawyer now, counseling is the move here and a good one!

I'm hoping it's just an identity thing or a mid life crisis in a way. Maybe he feels he has lost his life in a way or himself and is overwhelmed with the new responsibility, even if he is not bearing the brunt of it, he may have something going on mentally. That's beneath the surface.

On the surface, he's being a selfish, pig-headed jerk. Best of luck with counseling, don't be afraid to voice your fears and your thoughts but make sure he feels like he can talk about everything to counselor as well.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

sadnewmom said:


> This is so hard for me to write. But I need to share it with someone...
> 
> My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years (married for two). We met young (21 & 23) while we were carefree and broke. We had shared goals and lots of ambiition. We moved a few times together and eventually settled in my hometown, where we purchased a house and an income property. He has started a very successful business (actually two) that are thriving. In the past three years, in fact, we have gotten engaged, married, bought and renovated our rental property, renovated our house, and had a baby. It’s been busy.
> 
> ...


I would exhaust ways to repair your marriage before talking to a lawyer. If he cheated or something, then I'd tell you to find a lawyer immediately, but this is rather common in a marriage after kids. It is concerning that he brought up divorce. I'm wondering if it was just something he said in the heat of the moment or has he said he didn't mean it?


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Marriages are living things with ebbs and flows. Don't go running for the door just because you're in an ebb. Talk, talk, talk. Work sh*t out. Don't do it at the end of a day when you're both exhausted. Nobody likes serious talks at that time. Go away for a weekend together. Have someone watch the baby. Spend time alone. Get really relaxed. Then have your relationship talk. Make sure to start the conversation with how much you still love him and want to grow old with him. Then bring up your concerns.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Give the counseling a try. There are many DIY books, too, which are excellent. Chances are your counselor will assign you reading and exercises out of one or more books. Both of you will have to be making a genuine effort for MC or a DIY book to help.

A lot of people don't realize that the marriage relationship is the center pole that holds up the entire tent known as the circus which is your family. Family with kids really is a circus, but a good circus. Chaotic, surprising, scary, fun. But the marriage relationship is necessary to keep the whole thing going.

Frequently a new mother spends all her time with the baby. Of course the baby needs 24/7 supervision at first, and it is brutally fatiguing for the mom. Dad is pretty tired too, but not as much as the stay at home mom that first year. As the kids get older, the focus seems to shift to kids' activities. And way too many activities. You taking one kid to a soccer game while dad takes the other to a swim meet on Saturday is not family time!

Meanwhile, dad is building his career. For men our identity is pretty strongly tied to our job. It starts when we're little. "What are you going to be when you grow up?". Men are doers and builders, and we can see how working harder or longer hours will build a successful career. And, it is our obligation to provide well for our family, so those hours at work are for the family. When the wife complains that we're working so much, it doesn't makes sense to us because we are working so much for her! Then when dad gets home he is mentally fatigued and needs some down time without demands put on him. Thus the tv or games.

This is all quite typical, and it sounds like what you're starting to run into. 

It is important for couples to have their alone time. A date night once per week. Go out to dinner or a movie without the baby. Or get Grandma to take the baby for the afternoon while you two go to a museum or a concert. You need to schedule this time every single week. In this area the Mormon church is dominant, and two things they strongly promote within their culture is family day and date night. Every week each family is expected to schedule a significant period of time for family activities. Board games, bicycling, etc. Something with personal interaction without tv or phones. Date night is the same thing, with no distractions. When it is scheduled and expected then it happens. So be sure it becomes a priority rather than a someday next week when we think of it at the last moment thing.

He'll have to agree to less time at work, which will mean less $$. He'll have to recognize that time with the family and time with you are priorities more important than increasing his income. Some kind of arrangement where he gets some quiet time when he first gets home, but then he focuses on you and the family. Try not to bombard him with stuff as he comes through the door.

You need to figure out how to get some time for yourself. Do you have a relative or a friend who can take the baby for a few hours so you can go to the gym? We always had a group of friends with kids in the same age group. We'd get together for the kids to play together but it also gave us adult interaction. You can trade off babysitting with them so everybody can get a break.

Your husband needs to really hear and understand that there are choices to be made. Playing a video game is a choice. Working long hours is a choice. His choices will have consequences down the road, so you two need to make better choices.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Divorce is the easy way out and I think it's too soon for you!! Sure, you can consult a lawyer just to know about certain things-- knowledge is power!! Many men work long hours because they feel good doing this for their family. But just keep your eyes open if it gets too late or he takes too many trips away. I have been married for 18 years and my spouse still goes to the basement after work-- For awhile I was angry that he got to take that time for himself and I had the nonstop job of kids and housework. I eventually got over my anger but it took awhile. It's healthy to have 'alone time'.

I'm hoping that marriage counseling is what you need to learn to talk about things together. You are busy with the baby and he is busy working trying to get ahead. Both very important aspects of a family but I think you need something else besides baby and work. Can grandma watch the baby while the two of you go out to dinner? Or even to do a house project together? Let grandma babysit while the two of you go away for the weekend.

Have you thought about going back to work part-time? Just a thought.. I stayed home with my kids and 'at times' I had wished that I worked outside of the home. I may of 'lost' myself during the young years. Anyways, just keep trying to talk with him. Communication is so important. And sex is too--even if it's once a week, it's so important!!


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

I would do some checking if it was me. Something doesn't add up to me...Also when you said he went on a trip with a coworker....Not wanting to spend time or take trips with my wife or child seems strange. I think something be going on with him and someone else but I would make sure you had ALL kinds of proof before you say anything. I hope the best for you guys, like mentioned before I would go every avenue before I met with a lawyer. I would def try to get him to go to counselling or meet with a pastor if you guys are active in your church. Keep us updated...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

sadnewmom said:


> Absolutely. I just kind of feel that this is symptomatic of a larger issue: that he no longer actually enjoys spending time with me and cuddling. For example, yesterday was Mother's Day (my first Mother's Day). He spent the day racing his motorcycle. I don't think that's really okay...
> 
> Also, I had expressed interest in going down south on a trip with him and our daughter and he said he thought she was too young and he didn't really want to spend the money right now... then two months ago, he went down south with a coworker.


Let me help you with this in general. First, right now, it really is too early to be thinking divorce. But I he is going to have a cavalier attitude about splitting up, then yeah, you may want to see a lawyer and get the papers drawn up, maybe just for shock value. 

What is going on here is what happens with a lot, and I mean a lot, of immature men. Now, if he is not having an affair, this is what is going on. 

You guys are so young, so remember that as we go through this. 

Men, esp you men that are fairly new and marriage and fatherhood, get this mind set. It works like this: 1) Find a girl that you love and want to and marry, (Check), 2) Get married, get pregnant, have kid, (Check), 3) have a good job and support your family, (Check)... 4) Become a grown man, stop hanging out playing video games and going on trips with the buds and understand that your wife has needs that now only you can meet (Ohhh what, huh, wwwhat)......

Number 4 is always the issue. See part of him is saying, got a wife, got a kid, got a job, cool... now after work it is time to chill. Yeah, not so much. 

Grown men start to realize that now, you have a wife and a child to take care of, and having a job is the beginning, not the end. 

So, try to understand where he "thinks" he is coming from. But if you want the marriage, you are going to have to help him understand about your needs as well, and sometimes men are stupid, so you have to hit them in the head with a baseball bat... But do it in a nice way...


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## Smooth1981 (May 10, 2018)

Sometimes people get complacent. I was that guy your husband is. It took my wife hanging out with her friends and ignoring me to realize I missed her as oddly as it seems. With children, you have to remember to still date your spouse and to make your marriage a priority. I believe your marriage can be fixed but the only thing I would question is why he would say divorce at all. Maybe marriage counseling can get to the root cause of everything but if adultery is not involved, it’s definitely salvageable. Good luck


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## sadnewmom (May 14, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> You husband is a new father (and, a bit of an insensitive bloke). Some guys don't take an interest in the child until the child gets interesting i.e. walking or talking or graduating college lol. Marriage counseling may be able to help you sort out the issues and get him into the father mode. Don't make a big deal of Father's Day and watch his reaction.
> 
> You need to communicate your expectations such as wanting him to make Mother's Day about you rather than his bike because if left to his own devices, you will get more of the same self-centered behavior. You two need to learn how to be a couple with a child (children) versus being a couple. You can work through this with a little guidance and patience. Good luck.


Thank you... He is being quite insensitive to my needs. And he wasn't really like this before. I mean, he's always been a tad bit selfish, but so am I... And before baby, that didn't really matter. But now I need him more than usual, and he's just so resentful of that. He is quite interested in the baby, however: if I need some time to myself, he has no issues taking care of her on his own.


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## sadnewmom (May 14, 2018)

Smooth1981 said:


> Sometimes people get complacent. I was that guy your husband is. It took my wife hanging out with her friends and ignoring me to realize I missed her as oddly as it seems. With children, you have to remember to still date your spouse and to make your marriage a priority. I believe your marriage can be fixed but the only thing I would question is why he would say divorce at all. Maybe marriage counseling can get to the root cause of everything but if adultery is not involved, it’s definitely salvageable. Good luck


Yeah, I think we are definitely in a place where we take one another for granted. I am really hoping he is being honest when he says that he has not been unfaithful.


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## sadnewmom (May 14, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> I think it's good that you are thinking about how to protect yourself but unlike many of the other cases here, this is still early in the process and early enough where it can be fixed/saved if he is willing to give the effort you are.
> 
> So, wouldn't worry about meeting a lawyer now, counseling is the move here and a good one!
> 
> ...


Thank you. Your words have given me some hope. I honestly feel like he is going through some sort of early mid-life crisis. He is not the same person I married. It's scary. I want my best friend and husband back... I hope that the counsellor can help us sort this out. I am so sad and angry, and I am so worried about how this will affect our daughter if we can't work it out.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

This is very normal thing for a couple with a new baby to go through. It's a massive change in the family dynamic. For the mom it is often a bigger much more significant change. The dad's life stay relatively the same, he still goes to work has lots of time outside the home interacting with peers and other adults. The mom often is somewhat isolated and your time is mainly taken up by caring for the baby. 

Your primary focus should be on marriage counseling. Get the divorce stuff out of both of your heads. Take a step back and look at the situation from the outside. 

I recommend you try having family time when he arrives home eat dinner together and hang with the baby together. Then your husband should have one on one time with the baby while you unwind and clear your head. Do bedtime with the baby together, then forget the TV shows sit and talk without any TV or distractions for one hour this time can also be used to do housework together fold laundry clean up the kitchen etc. The key is the you are a team and in this together. Life will never be the same with a child becoming the priority so you need to adjust and setup a structure that keeps you connected. 

I will also point out he might be dealing with the fact he is no longer your primary focus. That is typically a big thing for new dads to deal with. 

It will be a tough adjustment but it won't happen magically. A good marriage counselor will be very helpful in assisting you to reconnect and find better communication techniques.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

sadnewmom said:


> Thank you. Your words have given me some hope. I honestly feel like he is going through some sort of early mid-life crisis. He is not the same person I married. It's scary. I want my best friend and husband back... I hope that the counsellor can help us sort this out. I am so sad and angry, and I am so worried about how this will affect our daughter if we can't work it out.


Just take it slow and take it easy, it's not going to be fixed tomorrow. It will take some setbacks and some give and take but after a few months of giving it your all, you will know if he has done the same.


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