# Once you say it...



## Mduck (Sep 3, 2021)

Just venting to be honest. My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We have 3 girls. We’ve had some ups and downs, but we were doing pretty good, until tonight. 
I was cutting his hair, my oldest daughter in her teens was nearby doing school work, and he says, “I wonder what my life would have been like if I were better looking.”
What in the world does that mean?!!!
The only thing that would have been changed if he were ‘better looking’ is the kind of spouse he might have been able to have caught instead of me right? Really what he was saying was, “I wonder what kind of wife I could have landed if I were better looking.” I mean people don’t have to be really good looking to have nice homes, nice cars, or be successful. But in general when you wish you were better looking that really just reflects capturing someone of the opposite sex. I was embarrassed that my daughter was there to hear it. I can’t remember what I said to him exactly at first, maybe that the only reason someone would say that would be because he would think that he’d be able to capture someone prettier. But I did ended up saying, “My dear...that’s the kind of thing a man should keep in his head and not say to his wife.” I finished cutting his hair and cold shouldered him the rest off his evening. Im not even sure what to say or think at this point.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I wonder if he DID mean what you think (and YES I can see why you would think that) OR if it was just HIS self-esteem (or lack thereof) kicking in. Does he seem to have low self esteem?


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## Mduck (Sep 3, 2021)

Yes, I’d say he does. But, he is not a bad looking guy. Really though, if he just said, “I wish I were better looking.” I get that. Don’t we all want to be better looking. But instead he said, “I wonder what my life would be like if I were better looking.” Those are 2 very different statements. What PART of his life does he not like right now that he thinks ‘more handsomeness‘ would fix?


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Ok, I don't know your husband but I do know that many studies have proven that not only sex life is effected by this. From the way people treat you to success in business. Or maybe he wishes you had more sex with you. Or maybe he just had verbal diarrhea. This statement to have been attributed to many different things. Why does it automatically have to be the worst one in your mind?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Context, tone and meaning are important with understanding. I would not automatically assume that he assigned the same meaning as you did. Maybe he did… maybe it didn’t cross his mind.

There are so many interpretations that could occur. How did he respond after your assumed meaning? And / or why not just ask him what that’s about? Does he typically throw out vague comments that could be interpreted as hurtful? Could it be jovial and goofy on his part? The context is important and that includes your dynamic and his personality.


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## Mduck (Sep 3, 2021)

When I pointed out how ‘tacky’ his statement was, he remained pretty quiet after that. 
We had just seen an old crush of his the day before so. Honestly I had forgotten that we had seen her until I tried figuring out what in the world might have triggered him into saying something so stupid. It just seems a little weird, suspicious and coincidental. Truth hurts though.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

taller men make more money. statistical fact. if i was better looking would my wife still be sexually attracted to me?


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Mduck said:


> he says, “I wonder what my life would have been like if I were better looking.”


I've met plenty of great looking guys with fat and/or ugly women.
As far as I can see a man's looks might make a difference to his opportunity for casual sexual encounters, but make absolutely no difference to his LTRs. Only his income and wealth would affect that.

But then again, Jeff Bezos, and Bill Gates would tend to disprove my theory.
OP is thinking too much about a throwaway remark from hubby IMHO.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

It is true, that good looking people have many advantages in life beyond their ability to attract the opposite sex. However, his remark was crass and ill judged. However, if you’re honest with yourself, have you never day dreamed of the paths not taken? I suspect seeing an old crush made him wistful is all. Be cross for a bit, let him know that it was not ok. Forgive and move on, life’s too short.


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## Mduck (Sep 3, 2021)

“However, if you’re honest with yourself, have you never day dreamed of the paths not taken?”

Day dreaming, or having that quick sort of thought is different from sharing that wistful thought with your wife. Some things need not be shared, and that is one of them.

My husband has a great job, great kids, a nice home. So, what then is missing In his life that he would have been able to have ‘had’ if he was that super model that he wished to be?

And again, he didn’t simply say, “I wish I was better looking.” He said, “ I wonder what my life would have been like if I were better looking.” If he had just said, “I wish I were better looking,” I could at least try to apply that to him wanting to be better looking for me. But saying “what would my life have been like,” implies wanting a whole different sort of life. If that makes sense.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I think being very good looking opens a lot of opportunities... in the film industry or maybe being a model, etc. I don't see his comment as a reflection on you or your marriage. He was just wondering. That said, he should have thought about it before he opened his mouth. I remember, many many moons ago, after our second child and struggling to make enough money (just moved to a different country and I was building my business up), my wife said to me "I wish you were more manly", not physically, but taking care of the family, by earning more, etc... I should have divorced my wife then. So these things can destroy a marriage in a split second.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Op you could have said that you would have had sex with him more often if he’d been better looking. 
But that would have been mean………..


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Mduck said:


> When I pointed out how ‘tacky’ his statement was, he remained pretty quiet after that.
> We had just seen an old crush of his the day before so. Honestly I had forgotten that we had seen her until I tried figuring out what in the world might have triggered him into saying something so stupid. It just seems a little weird, suspicious and coincidental. Truth hurts though.


What’s the story with the old crush? Did they date? If so, who dumped who? Maybe he’s wondering if he’d be with her if he was better looking.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

So you're bent out of shape that he shared the thought with you?

As others have mentioned, this comment could mean a lot of things, but one thing for sure, he's going to think twice about sharing anything with you moving forward for fear of being judged.

HUGE difference between a thought and an action. We all think stupid and sometimes random stuff. He just verbalized it to you.

I think the more important question here is why are you so upset about this?


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## Mduck (Sep 3, 2021)

manwithnoname said:


> What’s the story with the old crush? Did they date? If so, who dumped who? Maybe he’s wondering if he’d be with her if he was better looking.


My husband never had a girlfriend outside of me. He did, however, have crushes that were not reciprocated. Before marriage, girls would flirt pretty heavily with him, but then would friend zone him a lot. This crush was just someone he liked in the past.

My husband and I started off as friends, then it turned into more. So I had the ‘priviledge’ of knowing about his crushes, disappointments on relationships during our ‘friend’ state of relationship. Lucky me.


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## Mduck (Sep 3, 2021)

sideways said:


> So you're bent out of shape that he shared the thought with you?
> 
> As others have mentioned, this comment could mean a lot of things, but one thing for sure, he's going to think twice about sharing anything with you moving forward for fear of being judged.
> 
> ...


Some things though ought not to be shared. You don’t go out with your wife and say, “hey that chic over there is HOT!” Sure she’s hot, but DONT tell your wife. Not a good ‘thought’ to share. 

You don’t greet your wife with, “Hey, Santa!” When she’s 9 months pregnant. Some things thought should never be said. (And, yes, he said it)

I just don’t agree with the concept of saying anything being in the same category as ‘just sharing a thought’. Because, how would he feel if I say, “I wonder what my life would be like if I married a super successful man.” Yeah, I’m sharing a thought with him, but that’s just rude and damaging to my marriage.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Mduck said:


> My husband never had a girlfriend outside of me. He did, however, have crushes that were not reciprocated.


Bingo. His "wondering" was not at all "wondering". He is making a clear statement that he KNOWS he wouldn't have been hurt and rejected if he had been better looking. I think the statement has little to do with you. It's a statement of pain.

And, that, my dear friends, is THE BOTTOM LINE. Those who win the genetic lottery make the money, drive the cars, live in the nice houses, and have trophy wives. The genetics is not only looks, it extends to acumen and temperament as well.



Mduck said:


> So I had the ‘priviledge’ of knowing


I hear you. And, your statement of pain. Lucky you.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Mduck said:


> My husband never had a girlfriend outside of me. He did, however, have crushes that were not reciprocated. Before marriage, girls would flirt pretty heavily with him, but then would friend zone him a lot. This crush was just someone he liked in the past.
> 
> My husband and I started off as friends, then it turned into more. So I had the ‘priviledge’ of knowing about his crushes, disappointments on relationships during our ‘friend’ state of relationship. Lucky me.


Yes "lucky" you!!

Why so bitter?

You and your husband started off as friends and thus built a relationship built on trust and with the trust comes opening up and sharing things (like he did with you).

NOTHING became of these "crushes" that he had, and he actually married you for crying out loud. Are you jealous of these crushes? You said he never had a girlfriend before you so I'm assuming that you were in previous relationships? Is he jealous of your past relationships as I'm assuming the two of you have spoken about these other men in your life or does he accept them for who they are....men in your past?

It appears to me that you're looking for something to be upset about. 

Has your husband ever cheated on you?
Is he trustworthy, reliable, a good father, a hard worker, fun to be with, do you and your family have good health, do you have a steady source of income flowing in (jobs), do you have a roof over your head, clothes on your back, friends, family that love you, etc etc??

I could go on and on but be grateful for what you have and stop trying to make this comment of his bigger than you're making it.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Mduck said:


> My husband never had a girlfriend outside of me. *He did, however, have crushes that were not reciprocated. Before marriage, girls would flirt pretty heavily with him, but then would friend zone him a lot.* This crush was just someone he liked in the past.
> 
> My husband and I started off as friends, then it turned into more. So I had the ‘priviledge’ of knowing about his crushes, disappointments on relationships during our ‘friend’ state of relationship. Lucky me.


So, it sounds like your thoughts about his comment are likely on target. Him verbalizing it to you was maybe foolish, not sure why he did that while you were cutting his hair. Maybe because he needs to talk about his insecurities and you are the closest to him. Who else should he confide in? Guessing his age is around 40? Some (maybe most) men are prone to midlife crisis, when they begin to realize they will never be wealthy, never be famous, and begin thinking through what they didn't (and likely never will) experience in life. If you are the only girlfriend he has ever had, that can play into it also. Thinking it would be highly unusual to only have one girlfriend ever. My wife is the only woman have ever been intimate with, but had many girlfriends before meeting her in HS. 

Do you think he is insecure? I realize his comment hurt your feelings, but would it maybe help both of you to explore it further rather than just give him the cold shoulder about it? Doing that doesn't change what is going on in his head. I am thinking of my own regrets about not being better with finances, not having started my own business. The wife has listened to me go on about not being a multimillionaire like her best friend's husband (we pal around with that couple), 

Would suggest that you meet this head on and spend some time exploring whatever the issues are. Have known a lot of men who catch the "crazies" and who end up chasing a skirt to restore their declining confidence. And surely there are women more than happy to stroke a man's ego for their own purposes. What would happen if some woman at work said something like "Hope your wife realizes what a good looking man you are". Who knows where that ends up going on. His old "crush" isn't a threat, she dumped him once already, but IMO you need to pay close attention to him. Does he know fully that YOU think he is the most attractive male you have ever seen? That it is all you can do to keep your hands off of him? As a male, I can tell you that your actions can easily make him think he is the best in every respect, making him less vulnerable to someone else stroking his fragil ego.


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## Mduck (Sep 3, 2021)

sideways said:


> Yes "lucky" you!!
> 
> Why so bitter?
> 
> ...


My husband had a p*rn addiction. He’s since recovered from it. Bad blow to my self esteem of course, BUT, my problem isn’t his wanting to be better looking. It’s how he worded it.

I wonder what MY life would have been like if I had been better looking. Not, I wonder what OUR life would have been like. I mean, if it had been about Missing out on the finer things in life and not about me, then wouldn’t it have been an ‘our’ statement rather than a ‘my’ statement?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Mduck said:


> Some things though ought not to be shared. You don’t go out with your wife and say, “hey that chic over there is HOT!” Sure she’s hot, but DONT tell your wife. Not a good ‘thought’ to share.
> 
> You don’t greet your wife with, “Hey, Santa!” When she’s 9 months pregnant. Some things thought should never be said. (And, yes, he said it)
> 
> I just don’t agree with the concept of saying anything being in the same category as ‘just sharing a thought’. Because, how would he feel if I say, *“I wonder what my life would be like if I married a super successful man.”* Yeah, I’m sharing a thought with him, but that’s just rude and damaging to my marriage.


But if that is truly in your head, and it is bothering you, who else can you talk with? A husband and wife are ONE. We take our clothes off in front of the other. She sees my wrinkles everyday, I see her stretch marks everyday. We confide in one another of our hurts, fears, insecurities. He didn't say "I wonder what would be like if I had married a more beautiful woman", his comment was speaking his own insecurity about HIS looks. You could have said "Well you are a handsome man who caught my attention, so you are already living that life" and "Let me show you how I feel as soon as am done cutting your hair (whispered in his ear so daughter can't hear)"


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Mduck said:


> My husband had a p*rn addiction. He’s since recovered from it. Bad blow to my self esteem of course, BUT, my problem isn’t his wanting to be better looking. It’s how he worded it.
> 
> I wonder what MY life would have been like if I had been better looking. Not, I wonder what OUR life would have been like. I mean, if it had been about Missing out on the finer things in life and not about me, then wouldn’t it have been an ‘our’ statement rather than a ‘my’ statement?


It seems his statement is making you think that he settled for you, after being rejected by the others he had crushes on. 

His wording was not the right choice, he should have thought about it more before he opened his mouth.

Not sure if letting it go is best or talking about it with him.


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## Mduck (Sep 3, 2021)

And it wasn’t one of those, “hey honey let’s talk about this” moments, as he said it with my daughter in the room with us. It was very awkward. The fact that he was hovering over me for the rest of the evening told me that he KNEW his comment was off base. Yes, we all make mistakes, but, I was just venting over something he said that was hurtful.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

How awesome for you to be perfect and never make any mistakes and say things exactly the way they should be worded.

An observation. You seem to takes things WAY too serious and can't laugh at yourself or situations. I could be wrong but just throwing this out there. So he greeted you with "Hey Santa"? Big Freaking deal. I use to joke with my wife in her late stages of pregnancy and she knew I was joking and we'd both laugh about it. She use to make comments about herself as well and again we'd laugh about it. Why? 

Because we didn't take things too serious and we both understand that we need to be able to laugh at ourselves. 

It might behoove you to lighten up or you can stay pissed off. The choice is up to you....


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Mduck said:


> And it wasn’t one of those, “hey honey let’s talk about this” moments, as he said it with my daughter in the room with us. It was very awkward. The fact that he was hovering over me for the rest of the evening told me that he KNEW his comment was off base. Yes, we all make mistakes, but, I was just venting over something he said that was hurtful.


So he would be well advised to keep his innermost thoughts to himself, and be sure that anything he says to you is innocuous and doesn't upset you. Walk on eggshells. He can do that, and a lot of men do that to "keep peace" in the family. The only problem with that is eventually those repressed feelings can surface in destructive ways. Him not saying them doesn't make them go away. How many affairs begin with a spouse confiding in another as they can't confide in their spouse? Somewhere, maybe where he works or plays there is an insecure female looking for an insecure male.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Mduck said:


> And it wasn’t one of those, “hey honey let’s talk about this” moments, as he said it with my daughter in the room with us. It was very awkward. The fact that he was hovering over me for the rest of the evening told me that he KNEW his comment was off base. Yes, we all make mistakes, but, I was just venting over something he said that was hurtful.


The bottom line is that you think he is not satisfied with his life and therefore his marriage? That on top of his past porn addiction? Well, yes, it doesn't look good, especially after the porn debacle. As I said before, I still remember one massively hurtful comment from my wife. It never went away.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If my husband had said that I would have asked him to explain what he meant. 
It's sometimes easy to misinterpret a comment.


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## Mduck (Sep 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> If my husband had said that I would have asked him to explain what he meant.
> It's sometimes easy to misinterpret a comment.


I’m pretty sure though he would not have admitted to, “I could’ve married better,” had I asked. Plus my daughter was in the room. It was just awkward altogether. But, I’m thinking of asking him later.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

TJW said:


> And, that, my dear friends, is THE BOTTOM LINE. Those who win the genetic lottery make the money, drive the cars, live in the nice houses, and have trophy wives. The genetics is not only looks, it extends to acumen and temperament as well.


That just isn't true.
Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos are average to ugly, neither of them have trophy wives.
Johnny Depp was great looking, and had more women problems than you could shake a stick at. 

Yeah, some guys made lots of money, but I bet they ain't happy either.
I don't know any rich people that are happy, but I suppose being miserable and wealthy is better than being miserable and poor.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Is he suicidal? Because that's the ONLY reason I can think of where he would insult his wife like that while she was standing there with a pair of scissors that she could use to kill him instantly by jamming them in his ear. Oh, or were you at the electric clipper state of the haircut?

I'm betting he was thinking of where he might be in his career if he were more handsome.

Would he have a better job? Make more money?

I don't think you should be pissed.

And if he IS suicidal, then next time, DO IT! You had your kid there to confirm it as a crime of passion!


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## Mduck (Sep 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> So he would be well advised to keep his innermost thoughts to himself, and be sure that anything he says to you is innocuous and doesn't upset you. Walk on eggshells. He can do that, and a lot of men do that to "keep peace" in the family. The only problem with that is eventually those repressed feelings can surface in destructive ways. Him not saying them doesn't make them go away. How many affairs begin with a spouse confiding in another as they can't confide in their spouse? Somewhere, maybe where he works or plays there is an insecure female looking for an insecure male.


ok,I don’t agree with you here. I won’t take the blame for my husband going to some other woman. A person is responsible for his own actions. He could just take it to an an accountable male or counselor if he HAS to talk about it.
I’m a bit confused. So if my husband wishes he was better looking so that he could be married to a better looking woman, he should take this info and be able to confide in me??? And I should be understanding and accommodating?

he didn’t just say, “I wish I were better looking.” He said, “I wonder what my life would have been like if I were better looking.” Meaning, I don’t like my current life which I, his wife, am currently a part of.

it sounds more like dissatisfaction of what he has based off of insecurities, rather than just insecurities that I can resolve as a listening and responding wife.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Your husband sounds like he had a brain fart.

If my wife said that I’m not sure what I would say to her but I think I’d ask her, “What do you mean?” immediately. Instead of getting mad at him just ask him. Maybe he’s thinking about some opportunities he missed out on when he was a kid or something.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> *I don't know any rich people that are happy, *but I suppose being miserable and wealthy is better than being miserable and poor.


They travel in different circles than you. There are some right here on this forum.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, now we know why he was friend zoned a lot. Some guys intuit what to say to girls and some are constantly pulling their foot out of their mouth.

He could use a crash course in romance.

I would bet he was looking for you to tell him that he really is good looking and reassure him that all is right with his world. He may have been having a self-pity moment over something that happened at work.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Mduck said:


> Just venting to be honest. My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We have 3 girls. We’ve had some ups and downs, but we were doing pretty good, until tonight.
> I was cutting his hair, my oldest daughter in her teens was nearby doing school work, and he says, “I wonder what my life would have been like if I were better looking.”
> What in the world does that mean?!!!
> The only thing that would have been changed if he were ‘better looking’ is the kind of spouse he might have been able to have caught instead of me right? Really what he was saying was, “I wonder what kind of wife I could have landed if I were better looking.” I mean people don’t have to be really good looking to have nice homes, nice cars, or be successful. But in general when you wish you were better looking that really just reflects capturing someone of the opposite sex. I was embarrassed that my daughter was there to hear it. I can’t remember what I said to him exactly at first, maybe that the only reason someone would say that would be because he would think that he’d be able to capture someone prettier. But I did ended up saying, “My dear...that’s the kind of thing a man should keep in his head and not say to his wife.” I finished cutting his hair and cold shouldered him the rest off his evening. Im not even sure what to say or think at this point.


You are doing the female thing of reading into things. The "pretty people" are given breaks and opportunities in job and life that are not afforded to average and below people. As in pretty women may be chosen for higher positions, given a pass on tickets where an average or homely female is gonna be fined. 

Women and their hyper critical attitude about themselves, always make it about how you are talking about them. How they are not good enough, pretty enough, sexy enough when the hubby may be thinking about being picked over for the pretty boy when he would have been a better choice for the position/job.

That is the first thing to my male mind is him being passed over for job or other opportunity in the past for the pretty boy. He is down on himself and is thinking about unfairly missed opportunity to make his families lives better and now out of left field his wife is pissed at him for no reason. Way to kick him when he is down. 

Like i tell my wife, QUIT READING SHYT INTO THINGS I SAY. ASK ME!


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

There has got to be more than this, you are mad yes, but you took the time to sign up here, so what's really bugging you? Has he changed recently?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Mduck said:


> ok,I don’t agree with you here. I won’t take the blame for my husband going to some other woman. A person is responsible for his own actions. He could just take it to an an accountable male or counselor if he HAS to talk about it.
> I’m a bit confused. So if my husband wishes he was better looking so that he could be married to a better looking woman, he should take this info and be able to confide in me??? And I should be understanding and accommodating?
> 
> he didn’t just say, “I wish I were better looking.” He said, “I wonder what my life would have been like if I were better looking.” Meaning, I don’t like my current life which I, his wife, am currently a part of.
> ...


Ok, take what he said as you wish. And how do you know he wishes he was better looking so he could be married to someone else? I am not saying he mentioned it for that reason, but maybe hoped you would contradict his evident unspoken opinion of himself. He has some (maybe a LOT of ) insecurities! Maybe you treat him in a way that he thinks YOU wish he was better looking. Just keep handling this the way that you are, it won't make anything better.

A cheater is always 100% at fault. But there is a very long thread on here where the WS was very physically attracted to the husband, he was best she had ever had, he made a lot of money, checked off most of the boxes. But because of things he said to hurt her feelings, she went into a long term affair. There is a context to an affair, not to say a reason, but a bonfire is started with one match to some kindling.

I was only suggesting that there are other ways of thinking about and responding to what your husband has said this time and others. If you just are looking at a validation for you being p1st at your husband, that you were right to be offended, you will get plenty of that from others, I am not going to provide that. Evidently I erroneously thought you were wanting to try to improve things between the two of you, but take offense if you wish.

If we are looking for a reason to be offended, we will always find it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The porn addiction combined with foot-in-mouth syndrome has done a number on her self esteem, it appears. 

OP, are you feeling like he settled for you? If so, tell him. If he makes you feel 'less than', tell him. He isn't too old to learn how to make his woman feel like a queen and he is lucky to have her.


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## Mduck (Sep 3, 2021)

Jamieboy said:


> There has got to be more than this, you are mad yes, but you took the time to sign up here, so what's really bugging you? Has he changed recently?


I signed up out of the blue because what he said shocked me. He’s pretty quiet, and the fact that he blurted that out was like 😦 
And just after seeing an old crush. Hmmm. 
Just not for making happy times.


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## Mduck (Sep 3, 2021)

Ok, so I keep getting this, “there’s gotta be more to this” comments. And yes there is but It’s almost too long to go into. 

My husband was the good guy that girls liked but didn’t want to date. After getting friend zoned by crushes, he started dating me. I was the only one who took things to a boy friend/girlfriend level. Everyone else flirted with him but wouldn’t let it go further than that. While we dated though, he had issues with former crushes. While we dated he was commuting back and forth to college where one of his crushes went to college. I found out that he was meeting her for lunch everyday, sometimes buying her lunch and was giving her rides to her apartment. Apparently she cooked for him as well. I confronted him when I found out. His response to all this was that they were just friends. I told him that he had to admit he still had feelings for her to which after about 2 solid minutes of silence he finally confessed to. He quit meeting her for lunch after that (but I also think he had a schedule change that got in the way too so) Later, his biggest crush would start flirting with him again, in which case he would break up with me, but then he would get back with me as soon as she friend zoned him again. This would happen a couple of times while we dated. He didn’t like being tied to me just in case his crush would change her mind, but then again, he didn’t like the thought of me going out with anyone either. He also would tell NO ONE that we were dating. I told him that I didn’t mind him hanging out with other girls as long as he at least let them know we were dating. Nope. He wouldn’t. He said it would be awkward to up and say, hey, I’m dating so and so. Seriously no one knew we were dating for about 7 years until they saw our wedding announcement in the paper. Needless to say, it took us a long time to work things out. So I guess you can see why I automatically feel like the consolation prize-wife.
So then now, after seeing one of his crushes, he says, “I wonder what my life would have been like if I were better looking?”
Can you see why it puts me on edge?


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

I would be very upset by this and I would tell him how I feel and how it hurt me.

I would also tell him that I am good looking enough to know that I could do better than him so he had better step up.

If it had been me that said that to my wife, I would be sending a bunch of flowers and buying her a new Mini.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i suppose you can wonder what might have been.
But physical beauty is such a fleeting thing...EVERYONE looks much worse as they age, so eventually we are all in the same boat.
What can you do about it? Regardless of how physically beautiful you are (or perceive yourself to be -- your spouse might disagree) you can always ACT VERY SEXY!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Have you told your husband how all of this nonsense has made you feel? Why did you marry him?


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## Mduck (Sep 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Ok, take what he said as you wish. And how do you know he wishes he was better looking so he could be married to someone else? I am not saying he mentioned it for that reason, but maybe hoped you would contradict his evident unspoken opinion of himself. He has some (maybe a LOT of ) insecurities! Maybe you treat him in a way that he thinks YOU wish he was better looking. Just keep handling this the way that you are, it won't make anything better.
> 
> A cheater is always 100% at fault. But there is a very long thread on here where the WS was very physically attracted to the husband, he was best she had ever had, he made a lot of money, checked off most of the boxes. But because of things he said to hurt her feelings, she went into a long term affair. There is a context to an affair, not to say a reason, but a bonfire is started with one match to some kindling.
> 
> ...


I’m not offended. I just tend to explore all avenues. When I don’t understand, I ask questions. I don’t mean to be cat fighty, but when I don’t get it or think people don’t get me, I keep hashing it out to make it clearer if that makes sense. honestly I came to vent, but I don’t know if there’s a solution in a world where you’ve been treated by your boy friend as a consolation prize in the past, and then your boy-friend-turned-husband seemingly says something that points at it so openly. You just have to accept it. I’m just having a hard time accepting it today.


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## hplove (Jan 19, 2021)

How about you have a conversation with him about all the what if's, both of you can get it out of your system and maybe at the end you will both be thankful for what you have, maybe he needs to hear your glad he's your man!
We all think about them from time to time.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Mduck said:


> When I pointed out how ‘tacky’ his statement was, he remained pretty quiet after that.
> We had just seen an old crush of his the day before so. Honestly I had forgotten that we had seen her until I tried figuring out what in the world might have triggered him into saying something so stupid. It just seems a little weird, suspicious and coincidental. Truth hurts though.


I really think it was just a stupid thing to say. I do it often. I don’t think he meant anything by it and if you know he loves you, enjoy it.
If you think he “settled”, tell him that’s how he made you feel and I’ll bet if he does love you, he will feel terrible and make it up to you.

There are lots bigger things to worry about.


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## Mduck (Sep 3, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Have you told your husband how all of this nonsense has made you feel? Why did you marry him?


I have mentioned it a few times at which he just brushes it off. He doesn’t like confrontation at all.

I married him because I do think he’s good looking, because he is a good guy (I don’t go for bad guys) that I chose to love/fell in love with. He’s responsible in which case I am very attracted to responsible men. I accepted his hand marriage because after 6 years, I finally sensed in the last year that his Flipity affection for me had actually turned into love. BUT love can get complicated over time. You need reassurance that you don’t get and when your husband says something that makes you question his continued affection, well.....


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Mduck said:


> I’m not offended. I just tend to explore all avenues. When I don’t understand, I ask questions. I don’t mean to be cat fighty, but when I don’t get it or think people don’t get me, I keep hashing it out to make it clearer if that makes sense. honestly I came to vent, but I don’t know if there’s a solution in a world where you’ve been treated by your boy friend as a consolation prize in the past, and then your boy-friend-turned-husband seemingly says something that points at it so openly. You just have to accept it. I’m just having a hard time accepting it today.


Well what has happened in the past cant be undone. Not sure why you married someone if you thought he viewed you a consolation prize. The two of you are married now. Seems maybe both of you are insecure moving into midlife with a lot of major challenges to your marriage ahead. Both of you need to figure out how to clearly and openly communicate with one another about everything. Have you told him what you wrote here? Have you drilled down to the core issues for you and him?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I know you're married. But, this guy never wooed you - he was too busy trying to get busy with other girls. He didn't have to try with you. Don't you think it's time he did have to try? Before you fall into the category of walk-away-wife?

How about some marriage counseling where he can't dodge the questions.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Mduck said:


> Just venting to be honest. My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We have 3 girls. We’ve had some ups and downs, but we were doing pretty good, until tonight.
> I was cutting his hair, my oldest daughter in her teens was nearby doing school work, and he says, “I wonder what my life would have been like if I were better looking.”
> What in the world does that mean?!!!
> The only thing that would have been changed if he were ‘better looking’ is the kind of spouse he might have been able to have caught instead of me right? Really what he was saying was, “I wonder what kind of wife I could have landed if I were better looking.” I mean people don’t have to be really good looking to have nice homes, nice cars, or be successful. But in general when you wish you were better looking that really just reflects capturing someone of the opposite sex. I was embarrassed that my daughter was there to hear it. I can’t remember what I said to him exactly at first, maybe that the only reason someone would say that would be because he would think that he’d be able to capture someone prettier. But I did ended up saying, “My dear...that’s the kind of thing a man should keep in his head and not say to his wife.” I finished cutting his hair and cold shouldered him the rest off his evening. Im not even sure what to say or think at this point.


It is a known fact that taller men are more successful in sales. Taller men are more imposing as a state trooper. Good looking men advertise Jockey underpants. Ugly guys model gloves and socks. I do not think your husbands thought out loud had anything to do with you and or having a better looking wife. Hell, I wanted to be a cop but my eyesight sucks. I wanted to be jet pilot. I'm not the correct physical height. I wonder what my life would be like if I was a pilot or cop?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Mduck said:


> Ok, so I keep getting this, “there’s gotta be more to this” comments. And yes there is but It’s almost too long to go into.
> 
> My husband was the good guy that girls liked but didn’t want to date. After getting friend zoned by crushes, he started dating me. I was the only one who took things to a boy friend/girlfriend level. Everyone else flirted with him but wouldn’t let it go further than that. While we dated though, he had issues with former crushes. While we dated he was commuting back and forth to college where one of his crushes went to college. I found out that he was meeting her for lunch everyday, sometimes buying her lunch and was giving her rides to her apartment. Apparently she cooked for him as well. I confronted him when I found out. His response to all this was that they were just friends. I told him that he had to admit he still had feelings for her to which after about 2 solid minutes of silence he finally confessed to. He quit meeting her for lunch after that (but I also think he had a schedule change that got in the way too so) Later, his biggest crush would start flirting with him again, in which case he would break up with me, but then he would get back with me as soon as she friend zoned him again. This would happen a couple of times while we dated. He didn’t like being tied to me just in case his crush would change her mind, but then again, he didn’t like the thought of me going out with anyone either. He also would tell NO ONE that we were dating. I told him that I didn’t mind him hanging out with other girls as long as he at least let them know we were dating. Nope. He wouldn’t. He said it would be awkward to up and say, hey, I’m dating so and so. Seriously no one knew we were dating for about 7 years until they saw our wedding announcement in the paper. Needless to say, it took us a long time to work things out. So I guess you can see why I automatically feel like the consolation prize-wife.
> So then now, after seeing one of his crushes, he says, “I wonder what my life would have been like if I were better looking?”
> Can you see why it puts me on edge?


I know where you are coming from now. I wish you told us in the first post, because this site is full of wild theory experts (myself included  ) and you get a lot of time wasted answering wild speculations. I get the feeling your husband never really changed and was "managing" his tendencies. And his latest remark opened an old wound. I think counselling would be a good option.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Mduck said:


> Just venting to be honest. My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We have 3 girls. We’ve had some ups and downs, but we were doing pretty good, until tonight.
> I was cutting his hair, my oldest daughter in her teens was nearby doing school work, and he says, “I wonder what my life would have been like if I were better looking.”
> What in the world does that mean?!!!
> The only thing that would have been changed if he were ‘better looking’ is the kind of spouse he might have been able to have caught instead of me right? Really what he was saying was, “I wonder what kind of wife I could have landed if I were better looking.” I mean people don’t have to be really good looking to have nice homes, nice cars, or be successful. But in general when you wish you were better looking that really just reflects capturing someone of the opposite sex. I was embarrassed that my daughter was there to hear it. I can’t remember what I said to him exactly at first, maybe that the only reason someone would say that would be because he would think that he’d be able to capture someone prettier. But I did ended up saying, “My dear...that’s the kind of thing a man should keep in his head and not say to his wife.” I finished cutting his hair and cold shouldered him the rest off his evening. Im not even sure what to say or think at this point.


Don't confuse his inner dialogue with your own.

He made a statement about himself.

You then projected your own insecurities on to him by ascribing what you think he meant, based on that inner dialogue, into something it may or may not have meant. 

Instead of projecting your insecurity on to him, why don't you try asking him clarifying questions, maybe with a touch of reassurance, as he is clearly bothered by how he looks.

"I happen to find you very attractive. In what way do you believe your life would have been different had you looked like Brad Pitt?" Maybe with a wink and a smile.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Mduck said:


> When I pointed out how ‘tacky’ his statement was, he remained pretty quiet after that.
> We had just seen an old crush of his the day before so. Honestly I had forgotten that we had seen her until I tried figuring out what in the world might have triggered him into saying something so stupid. It just seems a little weird, suspicious and coincidental. Truth hurts though.


Of course he did. He was vulnerable enough to tell you about something over which he is insecure. Then you accused him of being tacky for being vulnerable with you. It was a pretty ****ty thing to do.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

With your history, I can see why you would wonder what he meant.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Mduck said:


> I’m pretty sure though he would not have admitted to, “I could’ve married better,” had I asked. Plus my daughter was in the room. It was just awkward altogether. But, I’m thinking of asking him later.


So in other words, even if it actually has nothing to do with you, you still won't believe him?

Am I misreading that?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

After reading your Pail Harvey, I see why it hurts you. Yeah, he needs to step up like Blondilocks says and show you something of a man who treasures his wife.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Mduck said:


> Ok, so I keep getting this, “there’s gotta be more to this” comments. And yes there is but It’s almost too long to go into.
> 
> My husband was the good guy that girls liked but didn’t want to date. After getting friend zoned by crushes, he started dating me. I was the only one who took things to a boy friend/girlfriend level. Everyone else flirted with him but wouldn’t let it go further than that. While we dated though, he had issues with former crushes. While we dated he was commuting back and forth to college where one of his crushes went to college. I found out that he was meeting her for lunch everyday, sometimes buying her lunch and was giving her rides to her apartment. Apparently she cooked for him as well. I confronted him when I found out. His response to all this was that they were just friends. I told him that he had to admit he still had feelings for her to which after about 2 solid minutes of silence he finally confessed to. He quit meeting her for lunch after that (but I also think he had a schedule change that got in the way too so) Later, his biggest crush would start flirting with him again, in which case he would break up with me, but then he would get back with me as soon as she friend zoned him again. This would happen a couple of times while we dated. He didn’t like being tied to me just in case his crush would change her mind, but then again, he didn’t like the thought of me going out with anyone either. He also would tell NO ONE that we were dating. I told him that I didn’t mind him hanging out with other girls as long as he at least let them know we were dating. Nope. He wouldn’t. He said it would be awkward to up and say, hey, I’m dating so and so. Seriously no one knew we were dating for about 7 years until they saw our wedding announcement in the paper. Needless to say, it took us a long time to work things out. So I guess you can see why I automatically feel like the consolation prize-wife.
> So then now, after seeing one of his crushes, he says, “I wonder what my life would have been like if I were better looking?”
> Can you see why it puts me on edge?


I can totally understand why you would feel that way.

That said, it doesn't mean your assumption is correct. It very well may be, but don't you think it would be important to make sure?

If you value transparency and vulnerability in a relationship, you don't automatically tell him he's being tacky when he was vulnerable with you, or you will see even less of it.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Mduck said:


> My husband was the good guy that girls liked but didn’t want to date. After getting friend zoned by crushes, he started dating me. I was the only one who took things to a boy friend/girlfriend level. Everyone else flirted with him but wouldn’t let it go further than that.


No, your husband was the "nice guy" not the "good guy". There is a MASSIVE difference.

Obviously there was much more to it as some had pointed out. Now that you put context to the situation all can see why it would be an issue. You were his second, third, fourth, or possibly fifth choice which is easily going to cause many problems for the both of you.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Alternatively, you could get him to read this post to try and drive home what he has done and how you/others see it.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Damn. At first I thought this chick is just looking for something to gripe about, but clearly his comment opened up some deep wounds and I can see why you feel the way you do. He married you because you were the only one who didn't just use him for attention and free stuff. But why did you marry him knowing that? Not that you can go back and change that but maybe start some type of healing process for yourself.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Al_Bundy said:


> But why did you marry him knowing that?


She thought he had changed... but I think she "settled" for him, because he was nice, good looking and responsible... shame about his little flaw...


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> She thought he had changed... but I think she "settled" for him, because he was nice, good looking and responsible... shame about his little flaw...


Seems they both settled for one another. They both wished for better, 5s wishing for 10s. Life is often filled with compromises.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> She thought he had changed... but I think she "settled" for him, because he was nice, good looking and responsible... shame about his little flaw...


You mean she hoped he had changed. I think we've all had that experience where we get dumped for someone else when the new romance doesn't work out they try to come back. I think most people respond with FU, she didn't. That's the why I'm asking. Nice guys are a dime a dozen. As others have said, this guy was just acting nice as a way to try and manipulate


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Mduck said:


> I have mentioned it a few times at which he just brushes it off. He doesn’t like confrontation at all.
> 
> I married him because I do think he’s good looking, because he is a good guy (I don’t go for bad guys) that I chose to love/fell in love with. He’s responsible in which case I am very attracted to responsible men. I accepted his hand marriage because after 6 years, I finally sensed in the last year that his Flipity affection for me had actually turned into love. BUT love can get complicated over time. You need reassurance that you don’t get and when your husband says something that makes you question his continued affection, well.....


You were very attracted to him. You wanted him, that's why you were always there waiting for him. You put yourself there and let him put you through a yo-yo relationship because you wanted him. You chose to be with him.

What you've done is very foreign to me because I never had to wait for anyone. I'm used to men wanting to date me.

Through out the years you have put up with whatever he's done or said because you still want to be with him. 

Where is your self esteem? 

Two days ago, my husband and I went out to dinner. On our way home, he grabbed my belly and said "how are we going to name her?" I said, "covid-19." We both laughed! I could have felt offended he was making fun of my bloated belly, but because I'm not insecure, I know he was joking (he's a joker) and I know he adores me, I thought it was a very funny moment. 

I understand where your insecurities come from, but you have to recognize you have accepted him and his ways from the beginning. You chose him and waited for him. 

What made him turn to porn? 

I bet this incident is just the tip of the iceberg.


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## Mduck (Sep 3, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> You were very attracted to him. You wanted him, that's why you were always there waiting for him. You put yourself there and let him put you through a yo-yo relationship because you wanted him. You chose to be with him.
> 
> What you've done is very foreign to me because I never had to wait for anyone. I'm used to men wanting to date me.
> 
> ...


He was on p*rn from a young teen. It was brought into the marriage. I didn’t know about it. Until after our first child. He’s been clean of it for about 12 years now. I know this to be true. I can’t say that I know he doesn’t think about it, I’d be stupid to think that things don’t cross men’s minds, but as far as searching and looking for it he doesn’t do that now.
I don’t believe he’d ever cheat on me. It’s not what he’d do. I wouldn’t on him. It’s just sad to think he’s pining away for a different life so to speak.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Mduck said:


> He was on p*rn from a young teen. It was brought into the marriage. I didn’t know about it. Until after our first child. He’s been clean of it for about 12 years now. I know this to be true. I can’t say that I know he doesn’t think about it, I’d be stupid to think that things don’t cross men’s minds, but as far as searching and looking for it he doesn’t do that now.
> I don’t believe he’d ever cheat on me. It’s not what he’d do. I wouldn’t on him. It’s just sad to think he’s pining away for a different life so to speak.


After reading the history here I see why that comment hurt. It isn’t a good feeling you are experiencing. However, this may not be a conversation you want to have if you aren’t interested in moving on. Yes, I am sure he loves you but you are probably correct with your gut feeling here of being a back up choice. Sorry you are here OP!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Mduck said:


> He was on p*rn from a young teen. It was brought into the marriage. I didn’t know about it. Until after our first child. He’s been clean of it for about 12 years now. I know this to be true. I can’t say that I know he doesn’t think about it, I’d be stupid to think that things don’t cross men’s minds, but as far as searching and looking for it he doesn’t do that now.
> I don’t believe he’d ever cheat on me. It’s not what he’d do. I wouldn’t on him. It’s just sad to think he’s pining away for a different life so to speak.


Everyone thinks about what could have been if this or that had been different. Most of us aren't stupid enough to verbalize it in the way your husband did, but I wouldn't make too much out of it. I can see how you would be insecure from your experience with him early in your relationship, but I would not blow this out of proportion. You probably could have handled it better at the time he said it, but it may be worth bringing it up again for your own peace of mind. If you do bring it up I recommend you try not to be too harsh or judgmental. As @farsidejunky said, keep it light and humorous.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

You could have simply said in response, "What do you mean?" in a sing-song kind of voice. 

But since that moment has passed, the best thing to do would be to simply _ask_ him what he meant, instead of jumping to conclusions. And yes, you can do this in a non-confrontational way.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Mduck said:


> Just venting to be honest. My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We have 3 girls. We’ve had some ups and downs, but we were doing pretty good, until tonight.
> I was cutting his hair, my oldest daughter in her teens was nearby doing school work, and he says, “I wonder what my life would have been like if I were better looking.”
> What in the world does that mean?!!!
> The only thing that would have been changed if he were ‘better looking’ is the kind of spouse he might have been able to have caught instead of me right? Really what he was saying was, “I wonder what kind of wife I could have landed if I were better looking.” I mean people don’t have to be really good looking to have nice homes, nice cars, or be successful. But in general when you wish you were better looking that really just reflects capturing someone of the opposite sex. I was embarrassed that my daughter was there to hear it. I can’t remember what I said to him exactly at first, maybe that the only reason someone would say that would be because he would think that he’d be able to capture someone prettier. But I did ended up saying, “My dear...that’s the kind of thing a man should keep in his head and not say to his wife.” I finished cutting his hair and cold shouldered him the rest off his evening. Im not even sure what to say or think at this point.


I think you handled that with a lot of class. But I think you're onto something here. He was alluding to asking 'would I have had a hotter wife'. I would not have been happy with that statement or question at all. I probably would have said something to the effect of...."I wonder what it would have been to marry a hot guy that was good in bed and rich". Don't allude to it, just ask directly. I know, it's spiteful, but hey, sometimes it's necessary.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Mduck said:


> ok,I don’t agree with you here. I won’t take the blame for my husband going to some other woman. A person is responsible for his own actions. He could just take it to an an accountable male or counselor if he HAS to talk about it.
> I’m a bit confused. So if my husband wishes he was better looking so that he could be married to a better looking woman, he should take this info and be able to confide in me??? And I should be understanding and accommodating?
> 
> he didn’t just say, “I wish I were better looking.” He said, “I wonder what my life would have been like if I were better looking.” Meaning, I don’t like my current life which I, his wife, am currently a part of.
> ...


I bet you're a real treat to live with.

Does everyone have to pause, and really think not just what they want to say to you, but to also make sure that they verbalize it perfectly so as to not ruffle your feathers??


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You probably could have handled it better at the time he said it


Yep, she could have given him a haircut that he would never forget.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Mduck said:


> It’s just sad to think he’s pining away for a different life so to speak


You don't know how he really feels unless you ask him directly.

I really don't see him pining away for a different life.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Mduck said:


> He was on p*rn from a young teen. It was brought into the marriage. I didn’t know about it. Until after our first child. He’s been clean of it for about 12 years now. I know this to be true. I can’t say that I know he doesn’t think about it, I’d be stupid to think that things don’t cross men’s minds, but as far as searching and looking for it he doesn’t do that now.
> I don’t believe he’d ever cheat on me. It’s not what he’d do. I wouldn’t on him. It’s just sad to think he’s pining away for a different life so to speak.


@Mduck people in general when they have a family the idea of a different life where your kids do not exist doesn't even cross their mind!
So I highly doubt that he was pining for a different life!


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Mduck said:


> Just venting to be honest. My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We have 3 girls. We’ve had some ups and downs, but we were doing pretty good, until tonight.
> I was cutting his hair, my oldest daughter in her teens was nearby doing school work, and he says, “I wonder what my life would have been like if I were better looking.”
> What in the world does that mean?!!!
> The only thing that would have been changed if he were ‘better looking’ is the kind of spouse he might have been able to have caught instead of me right? Really what he was saying was, “I wonder what kind of wife I could have landed if I were better looking.” I mean people don’t have to be really good looking to have nice homes, nice cars, or be successful. But in general when you wish you were better looking that really just reflects capturing someone of the opposite sex. I was embarrassed that my daughter was there to hear it. I can’t remember what I said to him exactly at first, maybe that the only reason someone would say that would be because he would think that he’d be able to capture someone prettier. But I did ended up saying, “My dear...that’s the kind of thing a man should keep in his head and not say to his wife.” I finished cutting his hair and cold shouldered him the rest off his evening. Im not even sure what to say or think at this point.


I sincerely doubt he was thinking that unless your marriage is off in some way. I've been told all my life that i'm good looking, but I can tell you, I wouldn't switch out my wife for a supermodel....no way not in a million years. I can promise you most men feel this way. Now, I also feel that if I wasn't looking like this, my wife probably would have chosen another guy at the party that night we met (there were like 8 guys to one girl and all 8 were all over my now wife) so in that respect, uglier guys do get the short end of the stick.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Reiterating that I still wouldn’t assume the meaning and connect the dots back to wanting a life without you. Given it hurt you that much, you need to express this and understand why. And if it is that he’s pining for some hypothetical alternative life without you, then that also deserves understanding as to whether you’re both in this or not.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

farsidejunky said:


> "I happen to find you very attractive. In what way do you believe your life would have been different had you looked like Brad Pitt?" Maybe with a wink and a smile.


Or ‘Well you would have missed out on all this, as I dig ugly dudes’.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You really shouldn't have married a guy who considered you plan B.. .because that's what you were.

That doesn't mean he doesn't love you...he may well. It's just that he settled for you years ago.

I understand how this happens....I did the same thing with my ex. There were red flags I ignored, and toward the end he actually admitted he married me because he thought I was the best he was ever going to do.

He's right about that, but it's a ****ty feeling to know that. I think he did love me, but I also don't think I was choice number 1.

So at this point what do you do? Why don't you tell him directly that you get the feeling he settled for you and if that's how he feels he's free to leave? At least give him a chance to respond. I told my ex that it was clear to me he didn't really want to marry me and his response was silence....that said it all. He didn't want a divorce because he liked his life with me but he also really wanted the trash ex gf that didn't really want him (but he kept around the entire marriage).

So put the ball in his court. My ex didn't like conflict either and I lived the refusing to deal with things because....conflict....and there's no good ending with that.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mduck said:


> He was on p*rn from a young teen. It was brought into the marriage. I didn’t know about it. Until after our first child. He’s been clean of it for about 12 years now. I know this to be true. I can’t say that I know he doesn’t think about it, I’d be stupid to think that things don’t cross men’s minds, but as far as searching and looking for it he doesn’t do that now.
> I don’t believe he’d ever cheat on me. It’s not what he’d do. I wouldn’t on him. It’s just sad to think he’s pining away for a different life so to speak.


Don't be afraid to ask him, but not in those words. I think @farsidejunky made an interesting point about how your husband was vulnerable with you and you shot him down. I know you felt he was taking a jab at you, but that was obviously not his intention. He blurted something out with no context and you immediately went to the worst case scenario, because of your past hurts in the relationship. You believe he settled for you, when you were (and are) in love with him. That's not a good way to live. From there, it's time to start fresh and renew your marriage into something that both of you see as the best you can do. This takes both of you and it takes work, but the rewards of a solid marriage are worth it.

So, a better way to ask would be to start with telling him that you think he's very handsome and you are highly attracted to him. Tell him why you love him and why you are with him, without expecting anything in return. This is about you bridging the gap and turning towards him. Ask him what he thinks is missing and how the two of you can work together to make some goals and achieve some dreams - together. Tell him that you want to have an intimate, loving, trusting marriage where you can safely talk about anything and feel secure.

If you can find a good counselor, it might be helpful to seek counseling together to work through past hurts and to build a dynamic new relationship.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

MDuck,

I have a friend who was Italian / Hispanic and who would be considered good looking by most females I suspect.

He told me a story that made me jealous more than any I had heard before.

His older sisters had sleep overs and his sisters friends would sneak into his room and makeout with him.

If that had happened to me I might still be married to my W perhaps, but it never did and in a real sense I have fewer stories and precious memories like that.

It’s very obvious what the value of being good looking is when you are not.

There is a kind of sexual \ romantic wealth which some people have and others do not and it's a bit like financial wealth. Even people who have financial wealth must know when they are trolls and nothing but their money gets them sex.

I don’t know if your H had experiences like that, direct and indirect rejection, but they are painful.

Be glad your H shared this with you it’s a kind of truthful intimacy most men keep to themselves.

As it say in Proverbs, “an honest answer is like a kiss on the lips”


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TAMAT said:


> MDuck,
> 
> I have a friend who was Italian / Hispanic and who would be considered good looking by most females I suspect.
> 
> ...


They keep their thoughts to themselves for good reason. A man isn't going to reveal weakness to another male under any circumstances. In ancient times it could get him killed. And he usually isn't going to reveal to a woman because she wants brave and strong, not scared and weak. *Some* men are blessed to have a close enough bond with their wife that both are comfortable openly sharing their thoughts, dreams, and insecurities with one another. 

Obviously this husband's honesty did him no favors, and surely given the response received, he will be more careful to keep his thoughts to himself. Surprising he hasn't figured that out after being with her 15 years, surely she let him know in other circumstances that he had best keep his real thoughts to himself. When he speaks to his wife he will be sure to tell her what she wants to hear and nothing else. Women often SAY they want their SO to "open up to them" or "be vulnerable", but those are just words they don't really mean. Most actually want the man to keep his innermost thoughts to himself, "suck it up buttercup", they find the "strong silent type" to be most desireable. This thread is a good example.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> They keep their thoughts to themselves for good reason. A man isn't going to reveal weakness to another male under any circumstances. In ancient times it could get him killed. And he usually isn't going to reveal to a woman because she wants brave and strong, not scared and weak. *Some* men are blessed to have a close enough bond with their wife that both are comfortable openly sharing their thoughts, dreams, and insecurities with one another.
> 
> Obviously this husband's honesty did him no favors, and surely given the response received, he will be more careful to keep his thoughts to himself. Surprising he hasn't figured that out after being with her 15 years, surely she let him know in other circumstances that he had best keep his real thoughts to himself. When he speaks to his wife he will be sure to tell her what she wants to hear and nothing else. Women often SAY they want their SO to "open up to them" or "be vulnerable", but those are just words they don't really mean. Most actually want the man to keep his innermost thoughts to himself, "suck it up buttercup", they find the "strong silent type" to be most desireable. This thread is a good example.


I think you aren't taking into consideration the history between OP and her husband and how she was plan B. Given the context of their history, he surely should have kept this to himself. If he had treated his wife like the prize she most likely is, once he realized he had no future with his previous crushes, he wouldn't be in this situation.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Sorry OP, that sucks, and can see why it triggered you. I will say, that anyone who has ever been dumped could be accused of settling. Even those who consider that they didn’t, but are less than perfect in looks and deed probably managed their expectations so as to believe in their mind that they didn’t settle. We all settle to some degree, however your husband did, in my opinion, A very bad thing back in the day, and you are still carrying the wounds. He should apologise for that even though it’s in the past, sounds like he was able to rug sweep rather than acknowledge his poor behaviour


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Jamieboy said:


> Sorry OP, that sucks, and can see why it triggered you. I will say, that anyone who has ever been dumped could be accused of settling. Even those who consider that they didn’t, but are less than perfect in looks and deed probably managed their expectations so as to believe in their mind that they didn’t settle. We all settle to some degree, however your husband did, in my opinion, A very bad thing back in the day, and you are still carrying the wounds. *He should apologise for that even though it’s in the past, sounds like he was able to rug sweep rather than acknowledge his poor behaviour*


So he should apologize for something that happened 15 years ago??!! Because she "carrys wounds" from 15 years ago that she won't let go of? He should be thankful that she married him with all of his flaws. Surely he has plenty of wounds from battling with her over 15 years too, but he just needs to shut up and buck up. Something she knew fully and married him anyway? I see nothing in any of her posts indicating that he is any different than when when she was dating him, so seems to me no apologies are needed, what she saw was what she got. Recall reading her complaining that he didn't like confrontation, doesn't surprise me at all. If he has a brain in his head he wont say anything but "yes mam" n "No mam" going forward.


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