# Loners in Relationships?



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Does anyone here consider themselves a loner , and has it affected your relationship? I may ramble here trying to get out what I mean. I have been split from my wife for 4 months and am now divorced. I haven't lived alone for 18 years. 

Before I married, it didn't bother me to be alone, especially under normal conditions. I was never the type who always had to be dating. There would often be months between dates simply because I wasn't looking, I just let it happen. 

Now that I have had time to mentally adjust after for 4 months, I find that I am ok with being by myself. I find that I enjoy doing what I want when I want:

-if I want to stay on the computer all day, it's nobody's business
- if I want to watch 4 westerns in a row, I do it
- if I want to go to Wal-Mart suddenly at 10:00pm, I ask nobody
- I cook exactly what I want for supper and go to the restaurants that I want, there is no discussion
- I watch what I want to on tv
- I go to bed when I want to, etc.

I'm not saying that I was in a miserable marriage, actually I was not, and my wife asked for the divorce and not me, but I guess I didn't realize how free and refreshing it would feel to do 100% what I wanted to. 

I know that some people can't stand to be alone and would consider it misery. I don't think I'm the scary type of loner, the type that commits a crime and then all his neighbors talk about how he kept to himself, but there are certain aspects of being alone that are ok with me. 

I really enjoyed my marriage and female companionship, but I'm wondering if perhaps I could be just as happy remaining single, or could this just be a phase and being alone will eventually get old.

So, is anyone else here ok with being alone and has it affected your marriage or relationship in any way? Do you have to stay alert so that it doesn't have a negative affect on your relationship? 


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I don't know that I'm qualified to answer this post...I had (have) children, so I wasn't really alone. So I'm going to answer from the "having a significant other" standpoint. 
I was FINE alone. Loved it. For many of the reasons you espoused. I was perfectly fine with my own company, and had every intention of remaining single the rest of my life. I honestly believe I wouldn't have wanted more, since I was absolutely happy and at peace where I was at. 
I can't predict the future though, so I don't know if I would have ALWAYS felt that way. And after my SO entered my life, I DO have to guard against doing TOO much of my own "thing". It was just that my life had an added dimension for him being in it. He added TO my life, instead of my feeling like he was taking something away from it. I'm not sure I'm articulating this the way I want to...bear with me here, please. 
I think it just boils down to the *person* that comes into your life. That you can be fine on your own is a positive thing, imho...but if you should happen to meet someone who enriches your life, where your life, and the added dimension that they bring to it is a good thing...well, that is a positive thing too.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

I was a loner before I met my current wife. I was a loner at times during my marriage. My "me" time would be when I spent time in the Garage tinkering, but ironically, I also wanted some alone time just with my wife to talk without the distraction of kids. Don't get me wrong, I love to spend time with my kids too, but a couple need their alone time together as well. She opened me up to a wonderful world when I married her.

I firmly believe that, in a marriage, there should be some "you" time, "me" time, "us" time and family time. I have had a great marriage (or so I thought) until recently, when my wife told me that there had to be some "changes" to come from the both of us. Just recently, my wife had asked for a divorce, so I will have a lot more alone time. While it is nice to have more alone time, I would still want to spend my time with my significant other.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

remmons said:


> I was a loner before I met my current wife. I was a loner at times during my marriage. My "me" time would be when I spent time in the Garage tinkering, but ironically, I also wanted some alone time just with my wife to talk without the distraction of kids. Don't get me wrong, I love to spend time with my kids too, but a couple need their alone time together as well. She opened me up to a wonderful world when I married her.
> 
> I firmly believe that, in a marriage, there should be some "you" time, "me" time, "us" time and family time. I have had a great marriage (or so I thought) until recently, when my wife told me that there had to be some "changes" to come from the both of us. Just recently, my wife had asked for a divorce, so I will have a lot more alone time. While it is nice to have more alone time, I would still want to spend my time with my significant other.[/QUOTE
> 
> Generally speaking, that sounds a lot like me; I thought I had a great marriage and then, wham! My wife informed me she wasn't happy and a divorce followed shortly. Going through this divorce has been the most "Twilight Zone" feeling that I have ever had.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I have always been a loner. I didnt realize until recently how much i miss my alone time. before i met my H i lived with my friend and had my own room in an apartment. I went out when i wanted but did nothing when i wanted. i had no one to answer to emotionally. i did not realize until recently how exhausting having another person to answer to emotionally is. we just moved into a bigger place and i have my own study now. ive deemed it my room with my rules and no one is allowed in at times. I think im slowly trying to get back to my old self.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Blanca said:


> I have always been a loner. I didnt realize until recently how much i miss my alone time. before i met my H i lived with my friend and had my own room in an apartment. I went out when i wanted but did nothing when i wanted. i had no one to answer to emotionally. i did not realize until recently how exhausting having another person to answer to emotionally is. we just moved into a bigger place and i have my own study now. ive deemed it my room with my rules and no one is allowed in at times. I think im slowly trying to get back to my old self.


I hadn't thought of it that way, but yes, not answering to anyone emotionally is nice too. Does your being a loner this create any issues in your marriage?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Southbound,

From your recent posts, I have sensed that you have become a much more cheerful man! 

I think living alone is better than in a marriage without love and affection, at least there is no one else to make you feel bad. There is no expection, there is no feeling like" Hey, it is unfair"! There is only" What should I do to make me happy!'

When you are happy, you will have a much better chance finding a wonderful woman! You are happy, you are confident, you are in your own control and power!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I think being comfortable with being alone actually makes you better qualified for a relationship, because then you know you are in it because you actually like/love the person and not because you're scared of being alone. 

I, like major, have kids, so technically wasn't alone. But I didn't date much. When I found my boyfriend, I was on a dating site, but I was just kind of halfheartedly looking. I only got together with my boyfriend because he is such a great guy (we have our problems, and he has his quirks and annoying habits, but overall, he's great), otherwise, I'd probably have forgotten all about the site by now and still be single. 

The thing is, my boyfriend drives a truck and is gone for about a month at a time and then home a few days, although he is getting ready to go back to school to become an RN and then he'll be home all the time; that's not for about a year or so, though. So, with his current job, we both still get a lot of alone time. We spend hours on the phone together each day, but still...we get plenty of time alone to be online, cook what we want, watch whatever we want (well, for him when he's parked for the day). When he's home, we get lots of together time. I can't say it all balances out, because in terms of quantity, it doesn't. Once he is home all the time, we won't quite get the same separation of together/alone, but I think we're both willing and able enough to make sure we each get some time alone and our time together, both just us alone and us with the kids. 

Whether this is just a phase you're going through or will continue to enjoy being alone is hard to say. I think the key thing is you know you enjoy it, so when you do begin looking again, if you do, you'll be able to clearly tell potential partners that you value your alone time and find someone that is compatible with you in that regard.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Southbound,
> 
> From your recent posts, I have sensed that you have become a much more cheerful man!
> 
> ...


Yes, I am handling it better than I assumed I would after 4 months and am doing well being alone. I do get visits from the kids, but I'm alone otherwise. I'm still puzzled over our divorce, but doing well.

I am currently not looking for another relationship, but remain open minded if someone came along down the road. I have reservations, though.

I was happy in my marriage; maybe that should have been a sign she wasn't. I didn't have to work to get her to date me, she chased me. After we were married, she didn't nag, I had no feeling of the ball and chain, we rarely argued,we were low drama, and everything was just like the Brady Bunch. 

Now, I realize that even people who have great relationships say they have or have had issues and problems along the way.
I'm afraid if I get married again, even though it may be a great marriage by most standards, those normal issues and problems will arise. I, having not been accustomed to that for 18 years, will not be able to handle it emotionally

Also, after being in what seemed like a fairytale marriage that led to a woman being unhappy and wanting divorce, I fear that in a new marriage I might feel i had to do everything the woman wanted just to keep her happy or maybe she would want divorce too. 

Bottom line, I can handle being alone and can actually enjoy it; however, having a significant other would be great if it worked well, but I don't want a relationship that seems like a second job. To me, that is not happiness, it is stress.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Ive always been content and happy alone, but I don't think it's always the best thing for me.
One of the reasons I married my H is that he's such an extrovert to balance my introversion. 
He helps me come out of my shell, but also respects my need for alone time too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

southbound said:


> Bottom line, I can handle being alone and can actually enjoy it; however, having a significant other would be great if it worked well, but I don't want a relationship that seems like a second job. To me, that is not happiness, it is stress.


In a new marriage, you will have problems too. Just different! 

We are human, human have a lot of negative traits, when there is only one, you only need to deal with yourself; when there are two, it is not like the problems are doubled, I can say tripled or even more. 

More stress if the marriage is not working well, for sure!!!

If you can be happy living alone, why not!!! I agree it is much less stress! And if you want sex, there are a lot of ways to solve that problem! 

But when happiness is knocking on your door, please open your door and let happiness come in!!!


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Ive always been content and happy alone, but I don't think it's always the best thing for me.
> One of the reasons I married my H is that he's such an extrovert to balance my introversion.
> He helps me come out of my shell, but also respects my need for alone time too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Looking back, my wife didn't respect that I needed alone time. She wasn't the type that needed much alone time, so she thought it odd that anyone else did. Honestly, I didn't do a lot of alone time; I didn't go out with the guys or spend a lot of time away at all, but if I did, it seemed odd to her.

We owned a little land, and if I worked on it once in a blue moon, she would comment about how she was left with the kids all day. My alone time was just taken by going to the bedroom and listening to music or watching a DVD. During our problem times before the divorce, she said that she didn't like that.

I recall the commercial about vacationing that shows the one guy always sleeping or just relaxing on the beach or wherever while his wife and kids do other things. My wife, however, thought that was super odd; she thought everything should be done together.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I wouldn't know been married too long.....


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

You can be alone, but not lonely. You can be around people, and feel very lonely.
I have felt lonely in my marriage often. When I was single I never felt lonely. I think it was bcus I always had friends hanging around, could go out when I wanted to. 

My H is the same way that I am. When he has alone time he is a better husband.

I believe there has to be a balance. Time with self, spouse, kids, family, and friends. If these are balanced you are a happier you.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

4sure said:


> You can be alone, but not lonely. You can be around people, and feel very lonely.
> I have felt lonely in my marriage often. When I was single I never felt lonely. I think it was bcus I always had friends hanging around, could go out when I wanted to.
> 
> My H is the same way that I am. When he has alone time he is a better husband.
> ...


Do you think another reason someone could feel lonely in marriage is because they feel they "should" never feel alone, and "should" always have a constant companion in that one person?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelhxi (Oct 30, 2008)

We're both loners, so it works pretty well. We know to make sure the other gets enough alone time. I really don't think I could be married to an extrovert.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Before my daughter I've always been very social, outgoing, party whenever I could. After the missus got pregnant, that changed for many reasons, main one was racialism. I cut off all my old friends, and now have a very limited social circle of mates. The rest of my mates are the missus' mates. So either then work and a few mates here and there, the missus has full control over my social circle.

Which makes it rather difficult sometimes, especially when we have big fights and STs, I'm rather outnumbered when it comes to my opinion. I hated how she pulled people into our problems at times, and even those she didn't pull in - were always on her side no matter what. I had to put the foot down when everything went to hell on boxing day last year.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

southbound said:


> Does anyone here consider themselves a loner , and has it affected your relationship?


My husband has always been a Loner. I asked him the other day if he felt he was one & he answered "You know I hate people". He always says this but he is the sweetest guy you could ever meet, would give you the shirt off his back. He has never needed this alone time many men need, or what I refer to as the "cave'. It is all about his family, his kids. He seems to need noone else. 

His Lonerism has not caused us any issues. I know we are very different. He tells me if something happened to me, he would never marry again. That Loner spirit I guess. I am very different than him, I would not be able to hang with that, I would need someone. But then I am not a loner.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

southbound said:


> I hadn't thought of it that way, but yes, not answering to anyone emotionally is nice too. Does your being a loner this create any issues in your marriage?


It has created more issues then i initially realized. i am more of an emotional loner because i usually have friends, but i have never felt emotionally responsible to anyone until my H. From the start it created problems because I did not understand why my H (boyfriend at the time) was upset at me. i would go out with my friends and feel no obligation to contact him, but he'd get upset and feel ignored. This usually happened with my boyfriends but this was the first time that i felt bad about it, and so i started to change. i lost most of my friends and things havent gone well since then. I am in the process of finding the balance between being emotionally independent yet emotionally conscious of how my actions affect others.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Do you think another reason someone could feel lonely in marriage is because they feel they "should" never feel alone, and "should" always have a constant companion in that one person?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, but that isn't realistic. Being alone at times is good. You learn about you. What you're made of. No one person is ever going to satisfy 100% of what you need or want. That's why it is important to have a balance.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

4sure said:


> Yes, but that isn't realistic. Being alone at times is good. You learn about you. What you're made of. No one person is ever going to satisfy 100% of what you need or want. That's why it is important to have a balance.


I think now that my ex wanted me to be able to give her everything emotionally, etc. I think she depended on me to make her life happy, but it was too big of a task for me apparently.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

I hadn't been "alone" for the last five years since I have been remarried. My wife is asking for a divorce, we have been separated for a little over a month now. Being alon is different this time around, for I loved my wife more than I ever did my ex. My wife had shown me love that I had never imagined before. I can live alone, but I miss going home to a loving wife and happy children after a long day at work. Now-a-days, I go home, and I am greeted by thoughts of what-to-do this day. I have to keep my mind preoccupied, or else I will go crazy.


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## Shelda (Dec 11, 2008)

There is so much pressure to be with someone that it is mind boggling,Do not feel guilty because you are happy with being by yourself.Just enjoy Being Happy


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Shelda said:


> There is so much pressure to be with someone that it is mind boggling,Do not feel guilty because you are happy with being by yourself.Just enjoy Being Happy



I have learned that you are correct. Even if one doesn't recognize the pressure, it is there and will eventually explode. I thought for years that I had the most uncomplicated marriage and most easy going wife on the planet, but she exploded after 18 years and wanted divorce. 

After reading a lot on this forum, I have learned that most people have issues along the way; so, it seems like problems are there in one form or another. I was raised in a calm, logical family and i think relationships are faaaaaaaaar more complicated than they should be. 

It seems like relationships are one of the most complicated things on the planet, yet we get no training unless we go into psychology.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

Shelda said:


> There is so much pressure to be with someone that it is mind boggling,Do not feel guilty because you are happy with being by yourself.Just enjoy Being Happy





southbound said:


> I have learned that you are correct. Even if one doesn't recognize the pressure, it is there and will eventually explode. I thought for years that I had the most uncomplicated marriage and most easy going wife on the planet, but she exploded after 18 years and wanted divorce.
> 
> After reading a lot on this forum, I have learned that most people have issues along the way; so, it seems like problems are there in one form or another. I was raised in a calm, logical family and i think relationships are faaaaaaaaar more complicated than they should be.
> 
> It seems like relationships are one of the most complicated things on the planet, yet we get no training unless we go into psychology.


I have never thought of it this way before. It makes sense though. Even though I feel lonely, I am no longer restrained by what my other half might say or do if I make a decision to go somewhere or to do something. I would rather be sharing my life with my wife, but if it has to be this way, so be it.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

remmons said:


> I have never thought of it this way before. It makes sense though. Even though I feel lonely, I am no longer restrained by what my other half might say or do if I make a decision to go somewhere or to do something. I would rather be sharing my life with my wife, but if it has to be this way, so be it.


I feel similar. I would never have asked for a divorce in a million years, but since it has happened, I find that I'm not going crazy like a lot of people would. Oh sure, I've been in the dumps and felt quite low at times, but it's because of the loss of my wife and friend specifically and the loss of the life i had planned, it's not due to being alone and going stir crazy(if that makes any sense). 

Female companionship is great, but I find that I am functioning ok without it so far, and I'm not sure the good is worth the stress of trying to steer a relationship in the right direction. 

I wish a relationship could be like relationships with my family. We have always just existed together and are happy. My brother and I are probably as close as any two people could be. We haven't had an argument in our entire adult life(oh no, maybe that;s a bad sign that something is brewing:scratchhead We don't think about our relationship, there is no particular patting on the back, there are no particular emotions that we have to tip-toe around, etc, it just happens. Why can't all relationships be that way? 

I think I'm rambling.:rofl:


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