# For wayward men only



## ParanoidDeeply (Mar 8, 2013)

I have read a lot of stories from betrayed spouses but few on spouses who have had secretive physical or emotional affairs. Are any of you willing to share your stories on such specific things like how long did it take you to get over the OW or how did it make you feel to find out how bad you had hurt your wife? What drove you to do this and how are you showing her you are truly remorseful? I'm just trying to understand the thoughts of a WS during reconciliation. Thanks!


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

And the question is only for wayward menfolk because..?


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## ParanoidDeeply (Mar 8, 2013)

verpin zal said:


> And the question is only for wayward menfolk because..?


No particular reason it's just what applies to me.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

During my first marriage, and from the time we started going "steady" I was true for the first 15 years. (its was basically sexless, nagging about how I was not as successful as her friends husbands etc., etc.) I had only briefly dated one other girl and was one of the most "beta" guys you've every met. I tried M/C, which she refused to continue when the therapist started to "lecture" her, individual counseling and I had a complex about what was wrong with me. Why can't I get her to love me, be sexually attracted to me, and appreciate what we have. I thought about offing myself more than once.
I had a female friend from work who knew my situation and ask me if I would be interested in seeing one of her girlfriends who's husband didn't like sex, stayed away playing golf all the time, and treated her like crap. The girl had casually met me and told her friend she'd be interested if I was. I stepped over the line at age 36 with this girl and it became a regular NSA thing. As bad as it sounds, for the first time in years I felt I wasn't a dud.
This girl actually set me up to "entertain" a couple of her girlfriends when she had to back off for awhile. These girls were all married and traveled in the same circles and were most were well heeled. I had as many as three flings going at the same time. I never experienced anything like that in my life. In school I knew guys would set each other up to get laid, but I never dreamed women did it. I felt, on one hand, I had struck gold, and on the other I was in the twilight zone. Me and a couple of friends chipped in a rented a one bedroom apartment we each had specific days we had access to.The bad thing is I was living on the edge, committing adultery, and giving into every temptation. The good thing is my self confidence was at an all time high. The husband of one of my regulars, caught us on recorded telephone conversation, (this was back before the proliferation of cell phones) reported me to my now ex-wife who spread it all over town. It was a relief to get out a marriage that was toxic. (She finally met and married that rich guy she always wanted, who happened to be the guy who caught and reported me and his wife. That lasted a couple of years) 
I continued my lifestyle but transitioned to mostly single women. I later met and married my wife and I've been on the wagon since. I am in my mid sixties and that was 19 years ago. 
The right thing would have been to divorce that "iceberg" instead hitting rock bottom. But, like a lot of people, I don't make very good decisions when my self esteem is battered. 
One bit of advise I'll pass on to the younger guys. If the girl is a constant complainer, withholds sex, openly compares you with other guys where you're always second, don't marry her or if you have, give her an opportunity to clean up her act and if she doesn't, get rid of her. That kind of constant torture will turn you into someone you've never wanted to be.


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## ParanoidDeeply (Mar 8, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> During my first marriage, and from the time we started going "steady" I was true for the first 15 years. (its was basically sexless, nagging about how I was not as successful as her friends husbands etc., etc.) I had only briefly dated one other girl and was one of the most "beta" guys you've every met. I tried M/C, which she refused to continue when the therapist started to "lecture" her, individual counseling and I had a complex about what was wrong with me. Why can't I get her to love me, be sexually attracted to me, and appreciate what we have. I thought about offing myself more than once.
> I had a female friend from work who knew my situation and ask me if I would be interested in seeing one of her girlfriends who's husband didn't like sex, stayed away playing golf all the time, and treated her like crap. The girl had casually met me and told her friend she'd be interested if I was. I stepped over the line at age 36 with this girl and it became a regular NSA thing. As bad as it sounds, for the first time in years I felt I wasn't a dud.
> This girl actually set me up to "entertain" a couple of her girlfriends when she had to back off for awhile. These girls were all married and traveled in the same circles and were most were well heeled. I had as many as three flings going at the same time. I never experienced anything like that in my life. In school I knew guys would set each other up to get laid, but I never dreamed women did it. I felt, on one hand, I had struck gold, and on the other I was in the twilight zone. Me and a couple of friends chipped in a rented a one bedroom apartment we each had specific days we had access to.The bad thing is I was living on the edge, committing adultery, and giving into every temptation. The good thing is my self confidence was at an all time high. The husband of one of my regulars, caught us on recorded telephone conversation, (this was back before the proliferation of cell phones) reported me to my now ex-wife who spread it all over town. It was a relief to get out a marriage that was toxic. (She finally met and married that rich guy she always wanted, who happened to be the guy who caught and reported me and his wife. That lasted a couple of years)
> I continued my lifestyle but transitioned to mostly single women. I later met and married my wife and I've been on the wagon since. I am in my mid sixties and that was 19 years ago.
> ...


*I'm sorry you had to endure all of that abuse and I'm glad you have found someone that appreciates you for what you are! Reading these posts makes me realize more and more how much hard work it is staying in a long term relationship.*


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## ParanoidDeeply (Mar 8, 2013)

JCD said:


> My marriage was rotten for a long time. We came from different cultures, and I was, frankly in some ways a horrible husband. I am working on that. But...that being said, she hasn't been the best wife in the world either, and I was CONSTANTLY on guard from her criticizing everything I liked in life, from hobbies, entertainment and friends. I got almost no validation at home (at least that I could hear) and so I sought it elsewhere.
> 
> I flirted badly with several girls in the coure of the marriage, but nothing really egregious. I _wanted_ to screw them...but explaining that to my son just seemed impossible...so I held off.
> 
> ...


*You are absolutely right! I do hope you and spouse can break the hardships that you have lived with. Think about this. If the other Woman will communicate with you and discuss private intimate thoughts with you then she will do it to you. If your marriage doesn't work you need to start off with a woman who will respect marriage period no matter what the situation is.


*


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## BackOnTrack (Oct 25, 2011)

I was a WS involved in a 1-2yr EA which eventually became a 3yr PA.



ParanoidDeeply said:


> how long did it take you to get over the OW


The serious withdraw lasted many months. Even after almost 2 years of NC, I still think about the A nearly ever day. As with any type of relationship that we humans have throughout our lives, the A leaves remnants and memories. I'm not saying that I think about the OW in a romantic way. I'm just saying that I can never forget as it is now part of my past.



> how did it make you feel to find out how bad you had hurt your wife?


It made me feel like sh__. I had always prided myself on having integrity and taking care of my wife and family. I felt like a failure. I had failed her. I failed myself. I took away her sanity, security, and destroyed all trust and admiration that she had once had for me.



> What drove you to do this


Our sex life/intimacy had been a struggle right from the beginning. There was little affection. We tried counseling early in our marriage, but the counselor was worthless. We fell into a pattern where I would push for more sex/intimacy. Things would get better for a week or two and then return to same old pattern of rejection.

We repeated this pattern for a few more years. Then she suffered a horrible loss of a sibling. This resulted in her going into a severe depression that lasted several years and only compounded our problems. All this time, we continued the pattern me pushing and her pulling away. In hind site, there was now so much resentment in each of us, we were doomed without some serious counseling. I got to the point where I decided to ride it out until the kids were old enough and then I would leave. Then one day, a woman that I was a close friend with at work handed me a letter that explained that she had fallen in love with me.

I was flattered but not interest AT ALL. But over the course of time, this knowledge started to undermine my own thoughts. Here I am struggling along with someone who rejects me, while someone else wants me and would do anything to have me. This made me even more angry and resentful towards my wife. Over the course of the next year or two, the friendship and "in love" feelings with OW grew as did the sexual tension. The only thing stopping this EA from becoming a PA was me. I felt myself slipping away. I tried one last time to convey to my wife what it was I needed from her. That failed. Within 2 months, I gave up on my marriage and initiated the PA.



> how are you showing her you are truly remorseful?


I became an open book. Answered every question. I gave her access to everything and encouraged her to check. I do everything I can to try to prove myself as trustworthy. She found a great counselor and we went for over a year. We both continue to do the work necessary to make each other feel loved and needed.


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## ParanoidDeeply (Mar 8, 2013)

BackOnTrack said:


> I was a WS involved in a 1-2yr EA which eventually became a 3yr PA.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Ultimate question would you do it again if you knew your wife would ever find out?


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## ParanoidDeeply (Mar 8, 2013)

ParanoidDeeply said:


> Ultimate question would you do it again if you knew your wife would ever find out?


Sorry I meant never found out.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

You're not asking me P.D. but if I had to relive the situation (i.e. years of complaining and little if any sex) with my ex-wife, yep.
When a man is treated bad at home for very long, ain't many going to turn down a hottie time and time again; especially if they think they can get away with it. It's a lot easier to have too much integrity and loyalty to do such a thing when your wife is treating you right. The same is true for women, although I think they will generally put up with more "cold' treatment before giving in to the temptation.
Again this is not true for all. Some folks will cheat regardless of how they are treated or who they are married.


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## BackOnTrack (Oct 25, 2011)

ParanoidDeeply said:


> Sorry I meant never found out.


No. Though I've obviously learned that I'm capable of cheating, I've also learned many positives from the experience. Even though I was very unhappy in my marriage for nearly two decades before cheating, I look at what it took for me to cross that line. It took roughly 2 years of somebody working very hard to seduce me. I'm not saying I'm not responsible for my actions. I simply mean that it took the perfect storm for this affair to occur.

I've also now learned that my wife is capable of meeting my needs, whereas I had previously thought we were not compatible. And likewise, I've learned what it takes to meet her needs and create the environment where she has the desire to give me the intimacy that I had always sought. With that said, I will not allow myself to be in a marriage where my needs are not met.

If I found myself back at square one again, there are better options. Namely leaving or counseling. Fortunately, I've learned that with the right counselor, it's possible to fix things before they get to that point where an affair is possible or leaving becomes the best option.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> Some folks will cheat regardless of how they are treated or who they are married.



Are those "folks" more or less selfish than those who cheated when times were bad to those of when it does not matter the times of good or bad? 

Every wayward has a reason.


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Are those "folks" more or less selfish than those who cheated when times were bad to those of when it does not matter the times of good or bad?
> 
> Every wayward has a reason.


Selfish is selfish. It has nothing to do with being more or less and it has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not you're in a "good" or "bad" time as those are subjective anyway.

Cheating is abhorrent no matter what. I sincerely hope this thread doesn't turn into a "I cheated but I had xyz justification for doing so." circlejerk. If you cheated -- own it. There is NO justification for it. Ever. Period.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Are those "folks" more or less selfish than those who cheated when times were bad to those of when it does not matter the times of good or bad?





Shoshan1290 said:


> Selfish is selfish. It has nothing to do with being more or less and it has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not you're in a "good" or "bad" time as those are subjective anyway.


Call it what you want, but you have to deal with reality of what takes place in certain circumstance. Speaking from a man's viewpoint only and based on what I've experienced in 65+ years on this planet, 8 or 9 out of 10 men will ultimately cheat if in a long term relationship with little love and affection, and the right opportunity presents itself. Probably half will do it anyway. Look at the stats.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> Call it what you want, but you have to deal with reality of what takes place in certain circumstance. Speaking from a man's viewpoint only and based on what I've experienced in 65+ years on this planet, 8 or 9 out of 10 men will ultimately cheat if in a long term relationship with little love and affection, and the right opportunity presents itself. Probably half will do it anyway. Look at the stats.


Then why be in a long term relationship with little love and affection? Break it off first, then have at it. If you commit yourself to someone, you commit to it through thick and thin (including to someone who is loveless and affectionless). If you don't want that, then end the commitment and find someone better instead of breaking your vows.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Love2326 said:


> Then why be in a long term relationship with little love and affection? Break it off first, then have at it. If you commit yourself to someone, you commit to it through thick and thin (including to someone who is loveless and affectionless). If you don't want that, then end the commitment and find someone better instead of breaking your vows.


I agree with every thing you said except the middle. I use to feel if you committed to someone it was for the long term and that's the way it should be. Unfortunately, most don't the juice to stay in a loveless and affectionless relationship and control the damage. And after being in one, I can't recommend it. My recommendation is get out. Like I said, it will turn many into something they never wanted to be.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

I've been a wayward, and the lesson I got from the world and life is that it would have been cheaper emotionally for me to return home to a wife who still loved me and wanted me back.

When your in affair land your high on oxytocin, adrenaline, dopamine, etc, etc. Pride, and new "love", you may have come to love your affair partner...

However, affairs usually do not work out as primary relationships. And you will pay, greatly.

There is alot of emotional pain involved and also a social dynamic that you have to pay into.

So I'm telling you, if you are in an affair and have a loving and supportive wife who wants you to come home, just wants her husband back - you gotta drop the affair, cut contact, it was a mistake.

Go home and put 110% into your wife and making it work. Get outside help in getting you two back on track, because you can't do it by yourself - and take their excersises seriously.

Because it is common for a cheater to be one foot in one foot out, and if things get a little uncomfortable they know in the back of their mind they can leave.

Commit to your wife, commit to your marriage - you will be happier.

If the marriage does not work out after you have truly committed to it, then you have to put it up. A marriage not working out, would take I say 1 to 3 years of a true committment to making it work, if the other party is corrosive, or just loves to do you wrong, and you don't see that changing, god never meant for marriage to be that way. The devil will fool you and make you think that's what it is, it is not. A true marriage is heaven.


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