# Husband cheated, I'm quietly moving out before confronting him



## getawayqueenie (10 mo ago)

Three weeks ago I found out my husband has been cheating on me. We've been together for 6 years in total (married for 2) and we have a 5-month-old. We both turn 30 this year.

I'm not sure for how long he was cheating just yet but it had to have been going on for at least a few months or so judging from some things I remembered happening. Subtle things but you know how it goes when you start thinking back to stuff that happened: it all starts to make sense. Anyway, I found out my husband was cheating on me with his male assistant. Found out from my best friend, she caught them both out at a restaurant that is an hour's drive away from the area we live in, kissing at a table together. She took a video and showed me.

I wasn't aware my husband liked men but since finding out it explains A LOT. We didn't have sex often after we married, we had sex 2-3 times a year, to be exact. I always chalked it up to us being really busy with our jobs since when we were first dating we had, had sex often. We had also been in college so things weren't as hectic as they were at the time. Once we graduated and got into our careers then it got less and less.

We married a year after graduating college, his job got more demanding and sex just ended up happening a few times only. When we did have sex it was always from behind or some sort of position where my back was to him or sometimes where we could kiss over my shoulder. Never any different positions. Even when we were first dating it was always from behind me. (Sorry if it's too much information). I've been going through a wave of emotions but the shame I feel for being stupid and throwing myself at him all those times sort of makes me feel ill. I was literally beating a dead horse for most of the years we were engaged and when we married. Once I started thinking he may be cheating I was checking his phone for a sign of other women, checking his Instagram DMs , likes, and saved videos for other women. I had started going to his job to give him lunch when actuality I was there looking at the women he worked with to see who it may be.

Honestly, I had started trying to see who it was so that I could see where I lacked and how I could change just to get him back. I feel so stupid even now for how hard I tried to make him want me. He always said it was work and we would get back on track soon and I believed that because again his job was very demanding but now I know it was never going to happen. At another point I felt bad for thinking he was cheating, because I thought what if he just has some sort of erectile dysfunction issues and is too embarrassed to say. I tried to rationalize all of the possibilities.

Crazy enough I also thought the birth of our daughter would put us back together (no i did not get pregnant just to save our marriage) but it didn't. He was very excited about me being pregnant and we both took maternity leave to be home once she was here. Throughout most of my pregnancy we had been a lot closer than before and even when she was born he was there with her almost every night when I was exhausted. He ended up having to go back to work once she was 3 months old but was still helping me with her when he was home and had even hired a doula for me. That's the thing he's an amazing father and that almost made me not want to leave.

However, I'm moving out before confronting him. I wasn't going to do this at first I was going to confront him the day I found out but my friend told me I shouldn't and should think about what I want to do first. My friend tried to reason and say that he could be bisexual but I doubted that due to the lack of sex we always had. That and I dated a bisexual guy before and he never left me feeling unwanted. Our daughter and I ended up staying at my friend's place for a few days and I just told my husband my friend needed me for some things. I did go back home after those few days but I was very avoidant of him. He would ask what was wrong and I would tell him it was postpartum, which it was that as well but that was my go to excuse.

I just got approved for an apartment today so I've officially started packing things one room at a time. I'm leaving our daughter's room untouched and just packing everything of mine. I've purchased new stuff for her for my new place so she'll have enough at my place and his for when he does have her in his care once we've officially separated. I know that people may think this is stupid or selfish but I don't care. I know I want a divorce. There is no point in keeping this marriage alive any longer. It hurts to even come to this decision and do this it wasn't an easy decision to make.

Edit: I thank everyone for the kind comments. I do feel a little better about the decision I made but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have the urge to stay and give him a chance. The reason I’m able to go this far is because of my support system. My friends and my sister are helping me and keeping me together. If it wasn’t for them I’d have done something extreme. Also I want to elaborate on me moving. I’m only moving things out every other day so it’s doesn’t get too suspicious. If he asks I’ll just say I’m redecorating but I won’t be moving myself and our child out until all of my stuff is completely gone. Then once everything is done I will confront him


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

getawayqueenie said:


> I know that people may think this is stupid or selfish but I don't care. I know I want a divorce. There is no point in keeping this marriage alive any longer. It hurts to even come to this decision and do this it wasn't an easy decision to make.


You're not being stupid or selfish right now. It's not a real marriage. Let it go. Just please, please know this isn't your fault. It's not that there is something wrong with you, you are fine. He was dishonest and lied to you. If he wanted a family he could have been truthful with you about the sexual situation but he wasn't, he lied, and that speaks to his character. Do what is best for your daughter and for yourself. She will learn how women deserve to be treated from watching you, and you are doing the brave and responsible thing. The motherly thing. You are protecting her. Be confident in your courage.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I really wonder why he got married to you though? He must have known he was gay.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> I really wonder why he got married to you though? He must have known he was gay.


She is his beard. It’s actually very common.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Stupid or selfish…. NO WAY !!!!!! Your actions are not only justified but show you are strong and have self respect. Good for you for taking action during these hard times. You are stronger than you think 💪🏼


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Congratulations, you’re not stupid or anything of those things you called yourself. What a brilliant thing to do, move out first and then break the news. I think the fact that he hid it would have been a shock to him, and it may have been unsafe to be around. I suspect he would have done everything to keep you quiet and keep you married. You’ve committed to a place now. Have you told your parents/family? Please do, you need to protect yourself first for your baby, and not think of his feelings and needs AT ALL.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Exposure is the key. If you hide the truth you will always be manipulated and compromise your self worth. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You have to do it. It’s the first gate you must open that leads to the path of well being. Tell everyone.
He will deny everything and try to make you look like the crazy one. A good start would be to post that video on Facebook 😬


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Don't doubt your decision for a second.He's defrauded you emotionally and physically. You are a young woman and you'll land solidly on your feet. Good luck.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Why is it you moving out?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

What the Hell!

You and your baby need to be checked for HIV/AIDS. 

Such careless and thoughtless behavior on his part!

ETA: yes, divorce the fool.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

@Talker67

Your suggestions are disgusting 🤮


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

If moving out before talking to him about what you learned is the right order for you, do that. It feels like sneaking off to me but I'm not in your shoes & I don't have an infant to protect. It sounds like you are doing right by the baby too by leaving the baby stuff so she is safe when in dad's custody. 

You can't stay, because your marriage is a sham so walk out the door with your head held high. You did nothing wrong. Regroup. Lean on your friends & family & get on with it.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> @Talker67
> 
> Your suggestions are disgusting 🤮


i can see how you might have that opinion.

but the simple fact of the matter is, there are plenty of women who have gay husbands, but do not divorce him! I suspect the other way too, where the wife is lesbian, but the husband does not divorce her (but we hear about it less, for some reason).

so it is a valid option the OP needs to think about.
Everyone is screaming "DIVORCE HIM" over and over at her. let her think that thru on her own


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Talker67 said:


> i can see how you might have that opinion.
> 
> but the simple fact of the matter is, there are plenty of women who have gay husbands, but do not divorce him! I suspect the other way too, where the wife is lesbian, but the husband does not divorce her (but we hear about it less, for some reason).
> 
> ...


So lady with a 5 month old child comes in here distraught about finding out her husband is having a gay affair and your suggestion is a gay threesome …….. pure genius. 🤦🏻‍♂️


----------



## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

You are doing the right thing. He's gay and only married you to be his beard.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> So lady with a 5 month old child comes in here distraught about finding out her husband is having a gay affair and your suggestion is a gay threesome …….. pure genius. 🤦🏻‍♂️


and what does she do with her newborn child now? who will support her and the kid? are you going to send her a check to live on?

why does she have to leave NOW! RIGHT AWAY.
she can decide to leave in a year or two, like when the kid is old enough to be in day care as she works her job....


----------



## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Just be careful, OP. Be aware of the laws where you live. In some places, leaving the marital home is considered abandonment and could affect custody of the kid.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> and what does she do with her newborn child now? who will support her and the kid? are you going to send her a check to live on?
> 
> why does she have to leave NOW! RIGHT AWAY.
> she can decide to leave in a year or two, like when the kid is old enough to be in day care as she works her job....



WTF dude? are you getting off on it, or what? You and your thresomes is getting old by the way. Who gave you the idea (because is not a fact) that she'll need to be supported by her husband? where in her OP she states that she needs to be under his economic umbrella. OP is doing the right thing, in contrast to you, who seems to lack any sense of self respect and morality. Always we the stupid cuckold, threesome, and degenerate angles.

To OP: you are doing the right thing. Leave, and leave now. You should out him out now. He took six years of your life. make him pay so that he doesn't do that to another woman.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> and what does she do with her newborn child now? who will support her and the kid? are you going to send her a check to live on?
> 
> why does she have to leave NOW! RIGHT AWAY.
> she can decide to leave in a year or two, like when the kid is old enough to be in day care as she works her job....


She already decided to leave. On her own. What you've done or suggested seems to be counter supportive for a person who has already had too many years of her life stolen by this fraud. In addition don't you think she should be upset that he deceived her prior to having a child. He stole her agency. Don't you think she has a right to decide if she wants to provide a gay man with a child? Perhaps she wanted the full husband / child package. Now she will have to seek another husband with this child. That makes everything more complicated and difficult. Why would she stay married to someone who respected her so little and stole so much from her without any honesty?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> i can see how you might have that opinion.
> 
> but the simple fact of the matter is, there are plenty of women who have gay husbands, but do not divorce him! I suspect the other way too, where the wife is lesbian, but the husband does not divorce her (but we hear about it less, for some reason).
> 
> ...


I would say she is mainly divorcing him due to cheating.


----------



## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

You already leased and started furnishing an apartment. Talk to an attorney. The first hour is often free. 

I think the video gives you a lot of negotiating power with respect to a favorable divorce, financial settlement and custody. 
Therefore, do not expose his sexual activity.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You don’t need to confront. Hell, he knows he’s cheating. Walk away and let him go.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

just wanted to say I’m sorry for your pain, but admire how you’re handling it. You will get out of infidelity, abd I can’t imagine you not being totally happier with a man that actually wants you sexually. Glad you are cutting the cancer out of your life. I would see an attorney and not even worry about confronting. In your case, there’s not a lot to talk about. Dump him like a ton of bricks like he deserves.

may I say this person not only betrayed you, but he tricked you into being a beard. Horrible , horrible person he is.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Robert22205 said:


> You already leased and started furnishing an apartment. Talk to an attorney. The first hour is often free.
> 
> I think the video gives you a lot of negotiating power with respect to a favorable divorce, financial settlement and custody.
> Therefore, do not expose his sexual activity.


Why?

The dude cut her off from intimacy. 
He lied about who he is.
We now know why.

Fully expose.

Why, white-wash and [baby] anyone in this short life?
If he goes undiscovered, he may go on and fool another poor woman.

He should not be disgraced for his _natural instincts_. but rather, for his unfair and lying treatment of an innocent woman, and now a child.

We all should be viewed and judged in whatever light we _willingly_ place ourselves under.

Injustice thrives in the dark.

Justice need be _blindly fair _to all offenders.



_Nemesis-_


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You are already making quick work of a bad situation. Most people that come through this place aren’t that strong. You will be happy and loved like a woman should be before you know it. Hang in there 👍


----------



## plastow (Jan 4, 2022)

getawayqueenie said:


> Three weeks ago I found out my husband has been cheating on me. We've been together for 6 years in total (married for 2) and we have a 5-month-old. We both turn 30 this year.
> 
> I'm not sure for how long he was cheating just yet but it had to have been going on for at least a few months or so judging from some things I remembered happening. Subtle things but you know how it goes when you start thinking back to stuff that happened: it all starts to make sense. Anyway, I found out my husband was cheating on me with his male assistant. Found out from my best friend, she caught them both out at a restaurant that is an hour's drive away from the area we live in, kissing at a table together. She took a video and showed me.
> 
> ...


get yourself checked for aids and std,s as soon as possible


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Sorry this happened to you. I think you are on the right track to end it immediately. I would however talk to an attorney just to be sure that moving out won't affect you in a negative way during the divorce.

Know you didn't deserve this and that he deserves everything you can throw at him legally for doing this to you. He has used you and your marriage is a lie.

I would assume that he is trying to keep this all secret from his family / friends / work... you might be able to use that against him in your negotiations... so I would reserve blasting that information out to the world until you've fully explored that negotiating tactic. I would eventually tell your in-laws, no matter what you say or agree to now, so they know why you are doing what you are doing.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In your position I would have confronted him and then asked/told him to leave. Especially with a child. Not sure why you felt you had to be the one with the upheaval?


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> In your position I would have confronted him and then asked/told him to leave. Especially with a child. Not sure why you felt you had to be the one with the upheaval?


In general, this seems like it would have been a better tactic.

OP is the marital home owned or rented?


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Blackmail is not exactly nice but it’s a bargaining chip ….. just saying 🙈


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Diana7 said:


> In your position I would have confronted him and then asked/told him to leave. Especially with a child. Not sure why you felt you had to be the one with the upheaval?


I imagine she might want a new start in a fresh setting. Waking up daily in the same place they were married might be traumatizing in some way.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@getawayqueenie

I think that you have every right to move out and divorce your husband. I would not even consider staying with a man who sexually involved with another man. No way. It's your choice and your right to leave.

That said, you need to see an attorney before you move your child out of the marital home. In some states this is considered abandonment of your husband and can also be considered kidnapping your child.

This happened with me when I moved out with our son because I was divorcing my violent, physically abusive husband. The judge said that I was wrong and give my husband 100% custody of our son because I moved out with our son. I stopped the divorce and moved back in with my husband. There is no way I was going to allow a violent man to have sole custody of my son. It took me another 4 years to build a case so that I could leave and protect my son.

See a lawyer BEFORE you move out with your child.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

EleGirl said:


> @getawayqueenie
> 
> I think that you have ever right to move out and divorce your husband. I would not even consider staying with a man who sexually involved with another man. No way. It's your choice and your right to leave.
> 
> ...


I have a question for you..... I don't doubt your claims of physical abuse. But was it a situation where there were no police reports or arrests and the judge said that I can't just take your word without official police records?

But I truly feel bad for anyone who has gone through physical abuse. I don't personally know you, but I hope everything turned out ok for you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Talker67 said:


> i can see how you might have that opinion.
> 
> but the simple fact of the matter is, there are plenty of women who have gay husbands, but do not divorce him! I suspect the other way too, where the wife is lesbian, but the husband does not divorce her (but we hear about it less, for some reason).
> 
> ...


Would you suggest that a man who caught his wife cheating that he could start having 3somes with his wife and her lover? I've never seen you suggest this. So why would you suggest this to a woman whose husband is cheating?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I have a question for you..... I don't doubt your claims of physical abuse. But was it a situation where there were no police reports or arrests and the judge said that I can't just take your word without official police records?


Yes, I had stupidly never called the police. This particular judge, a woman, was notorious for siding with men if when the man is a known abuser. After I went through this with her, i paid attention to her cases. There was a woman who left a man with a long record for domestic violence. Because she left with the children he had beat up her up again. This judge gave him full custody. That's the judge I was dealing with.

It was my attorney who told me to move out. She said that was the standard... move out and then handle it with custody evaluator, etc. My attorney was shocked by the judge's decision.

The day after I moved out, my husband had his attorney call an emergency hearing. That's when the judge gave my husband custody. She said that he's a doctor and they can't have accusations like that against a doctor and she had the divorce papers sealed to protect him.

As a side note, around the time I was able to finally divorce him I found out that he cheated the entire marriage. He was a read "catch".

A couple of years after our divorce was final, he was violent with a girlfriend and he was charged with domestic violence. I was not surprised.



ThatDarnGuy! said:


> But I truly feel bad for anyone who has gone through physical abuse. I don't personally know you, but I hope everything turned out ok for you.


Yes, everything turned out just fine. I moved on. Had a good career. Have a wonderful son who now has his Ph.D. in Physics... now he just needs to find a job. 😂


----------



## getawayqueenie (10 mo ago)

manfromlamancha said:


> I really wonder why he got married to you though? He must have known he was gay.


He must have. Me thinking back on our sex life makes me think he knew.



Luckylucky said:


> . Have you told your parents/family? Please do, you need to protect yourself first for your baby, and not think of his feelings and needs AT ALL.


I have only told my sister and my closest friends. They are supporting me greatly and my best friend will be with me the day I confront him and officially leave



In Absentia said:


> Why is it you moving out?


I don’t want to stay in the home or in the marriage. I’d rather start new in a new place.



re16 said:


> Sorry this happened to you. I think you are on the right track to end it immediately. I would however talk to an attorney just to be sure that moving out won't affect you in a negative way during the divorce.
> 
> Know you didn't deserve this and that he deserves everything you can throw at him legally for doing this to you. He has used you and your marriage is a lie.
> 
> I would assume that he is trying to keep this all secret from his family / friends / work... you might be able to use that against him in your negotiations... so I would reserve blasting that information out to the world until you've fully explored that negotiating tactic. I would eventually tell your in-laws, no matter what you say or agree to now, so they know why you are doing what you are doing.


Thank you. I plan to speak to an attorney the day soon before I confront him on my official last day I finish packing things. I don’t plan to let anyone but my mother and father knowMy sister and friends know but only my friends know it was a male he cheated on me with. 



Diana7 said:


> In your position I would have confronted him and then asked/told him to leave. Especially with a child. Not sure why you felt you had to be the one with the upheaval?


I’m only confronting later after the move because I fear that if I do it before I will give in to whatever he tells me. He knows how much I love him and I wouldn’t put it pass him to try and make me stay and work on our marriage. Despite that I have proof of him cheating , confronting him first would have made things worse.



re16 said:


> In general, this seems like it would have been a better tactic.
> 
> OP is the marital home owned or rented?


It is home owned.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> i can see how you might have that opinion.
> 
> but the simple fact of the matter is, there are plenty of women who have gay husbands, but do not divorce him! I suspect the other way too, where the wife is lesbian, but the husband does not divorce her (but we hear about it less, for some reason).
> 
> ...


Did you happen to see the title of the thread?


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

OP, you are absolutely doing the right thing. I'm so sorry you find yourself here in this circumstance. Don't doubt yourself!



Talker67 said:


> i Agree, if you have sex only 3 times a year, he is very likely only gay and NOT bisexual.
> 
> It seems odd to me that he married you, but some gay guys like the _façade_ of appearing to be heterosexual, possibly for work or family reasons.
> 
> ...


There you.go again with your DISGUSTING warped advice. Have a heart,.man. OP is hurting and vulnerable.


----------



## getawayqueenie (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> Exposure is the key. If you hide the truth you will always be manipulated and compromise your self worth. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You have to do it. It’s the first gate you must open that leads to the path of well being. Tell everyone.
> He will deny everything and try to make you look like the crazy one. A good start would be to post that video on Facebook 😬


Despite him not considering my feelings by lying and cheating, I don’t want to out his sexuality to people we know. Only my 2 closest friends know he cheated on me with a man and my sister just knows he cheated. Me knowing how his family is I did not want to put it out there about his sexuality.


----------



## getawayqueenie (10 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> i Agree, if you have sex only 3 times a year, he is very likely only gay and NOT bisexual.
> 
> It seems odd to me that he married you, but some gay guys like the _façade_ of appearing to be heterosexual, possibly for work or family reasons.
> 
> ...


I’m definitely not open to being in an open or poly relationship. I don’t see an issue with people that do them but it’s just not for me. My husband was the only man I wanted to be with. I feel that him knowing he was gay he should’ve left me alone and just quietly explored his sexuality until he was ready to come out. What he’s done is not a mistake, he was kissing the guy in the video my friend showed me. It was all clear to see. A discussion will likely happen whether I like it or not but right now I don’t want to have it with him.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

getawayqueenie said:


> Three weeks ago I found out my husband has been cheating on me. We've been together for 6 years in total (married for 2) and we have a 5-month-old. We both turn 30 this year.
> 
> I'm not sure for how long he was cheating just yet but it had to have been going on for at least a few months or so judging from some things I remembered happening. Subtle things but you know how it goes when you start thinking back to stuff that happened: it all starts to make sense. Anyway, I found out my husband was cheating on me with his male assistant. Found out from my best friend, she caught them both out at a restaurant that is an hour's drive away from the area we live in, kissing at a table together. She took a video and showed me.
> 
> ...


This child means you will always know him so maybe sometime you can be friends and of course get along enough to share custody. It's great he is someone you can trust with your child, because that will make being on your own SO much easier if he has the child half the time. 

Don't know where you live, but that is the norm in the U.S. these days, each of you having the child the same amount of time, like 3 1/2 days a week each. It's a great schedule because your child never goes more than 3 days without seeing each of you and those days give you a chance to keep up with your career, have some time off for resting or grocery shopping, and not having to be on your kid's schedule, a break from that. You should get that made formal and signed so there's no begging you to do the taxiing from him, etc., on his days he's supposed to arrange to do it all and vice versa. Usually the men are happy about that arrangement because if it's 50/50, they don't have to usually pay support, but you are both able to work. 

Of course, neither of you will be able to move from the area as long as you share custody in any way. You have to stay close. So you're not giving him up. He'll be around.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Would you suggest that a man who caught his wife cheating that he could start having 3somes with his wife and her lover? I've never seen you suggest this. So why would you suggest this to a woman whose husband is cheating?


Oh, this isn't the first time turds have floated to the surface.


----------



## Uniqueusername (Dec 24, 2021)

First off, if you want to leave, leave. If that feels like the right thing for you than do it. I am, however, going to come at this from a different perspective from many of the comments. 

What your husband did was ****ty. He spent years lying and hiding who he was from you. He has probably spent a similar amount if time lying to himself too. He failed you, but he is not the only who failed you. Every homophobe, every bigot, every hateful person who has fought to make being gay a moral dereliction has failed you and failed your husband as well. Your husband wasn't in the closet because he's an asshole, he's in the closet because society pushed him so far into it that he dragged you and your child in with him. What he did is not right, but by no means did he do it alone. 

That being said, when you're ready I’d urge you to exercise forgiveness. And honestly, if it were me, I would stay put. If you can get past this, you guys could have something great. You said he’s a good dad and he always been helpful. Why give that up? Let him date, get to know his partner. You can date, he can get know your partner and your baby won’t have to be ping ponged back and forth between houses. However, I understand that might be too difficult and you have to do what is right for you. I'm sure this is an impossibly difficult situation. I'm so sorry.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Uniqueusername said:


> First off, if you want to leave, leave. If that feels like the right thing for you than do it. I am, however, going to come at this from a different perspective from many of the comments.
> 
> What your husband did was ****ty. He spent years lying and hiding who he was from you. He has probably spent a similar amount if time lying to himself too. He failed you, but he is not the only who failed you. Every homophobe, every bigot, every hateful person who has fought to make being gay a moral dereliction has failed you and failed your husband as well. Your husband wasn't in the closet because he's an asshole, he's in the closet because society pushed him so far into it that he dragged you and your child in with him. What he did is not right, but by no means did he do it alone.
> 
> That being said, when you're ready I’d urge you to exercise forgiveness. And honestly, if it were me, I would stay put. If you can get past this, you guys could have something great. You said he’s a good dad and he always been helpful. Why give that up? Let him date, get to know his partner. You can date, he can get know your partner and your baby won’t have to be ping ponged back and forth between houses. However, I understand that might be too difficult and you have to do what is right for you. I'm sure this is an impossibly difficult situation. I'm so sorry.


Would you suggest that a married man just let his wife date another man and that the husband should consider even being friends with her affair partner ?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Uniqueusername said:


> First off, if you want to leave, leave. If that feels like the right thing for you than do it. I am, however, going to come at this from a different perspective from many of the comments.
> 
> What your husband did was ****ty. He spent years lying and hiding who he was from you. He has probably spent a similar amount if time lying to himself too. He failed you, but he is not the only who failed you. Every homophobe, every bigot, every hateful person who has fought to make being gay a moral dereliction has failed you and failed your husband as well. Your husband wasn't in the closet because he's an asshole, he's in the closet because society pushed him so far into it that he dragged you and your child in with him. What he did is not right, but by no means did he do it alone.
> 
> That being said, when you're ready I’d urge you to exercise forgiveness. And honestly, if it were me, I would stay put. If you can get past this, you guys could have something great. You said he’s a good dad and he always been helpful. Why give that up? Let him date, get to know his partner. You can date, he can get know your partner and your baby won’t have to be ping ponged back and forth between houses. However, I understand that might be too difficult and you have to do what is right for you. I'm sure this is an impossibly difficult situation. I'm so sorry.


Stay with a cheat? Would you do that if your spouse was cheating on you? Welcome the AP? Get to know them and welcome them into your home? 

Its been many many years since being gay was a problem in the west. I mean gays are encouraged and treated as hero's now so your point may have applied decades ago but not recently. Either way it was still cruel to get married to a woman knowing that he was gay.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Uniqueusername said:


> First off, if you want to leave, leave. If that feels like the right thing for you than do it. I am, however, going to come at this from a different perspective from many of the comments.
> 
> What your husband did was ****ty. He spent years lying and hiding who he was from you. He has probably spent a similar amount if time lying to himself too. *He failed you, but he is not the only who failed you. *_Every homophobe, every bigot, every hateful person who has fought to make being gay a moral dereliction has failed you and failed your husband as well. Your husband wasn't in the closet because he's an asshole, he's in the closet because society pushed him so far into it that he dragged you and your child in with him. What he did is not right, but by no means did he do it alone._
> 
> That being said, when you're ready I’d urge you to exercise forgiveness. And honestly, if it were me, I would stay put. If you can get past this, you guys could have something great. You said he’s a good dad and he always been helpful. Why give that up? Let him date, get to know his partner. You can date, he can get know your partner and your baby won’t have to be ping ponged back and forth between houses. However, I understand that might be too difficult and you have to do what is right for you. I'm sure this is an impossibly difficult situation. I'm so sorry.


No, I disagree. It’s clear that this poster is some progressive that wants to make excuses for every travesty that someone does and place blame elsewhere than the evildoer themselves, but the fact is that YOUR HUSBAND is who chose to lie about his sexuality and use you as a beard and betray you. I personally doubt that this is the first loverboy he’s had in your marriage. It’s the first one he’s been caught with. If it was the first, he’d have been more discreet and not kissing on the dude in public. If he was so beat down by homophobes he wouldn’t have been kissing him in public, either. 

You’ve done the right thing. This guy you married has been deceiving you the whole marriage. I personally wish you’d go for full custody.

last of all, I wouldn’t hide from his family what he’s done. He will take every opportunity to paint you as the bad guy if you hide the truth of him being a dirty cheater. It will feel like a double betrayal, because it will be. Let him deal with people knowing who he is. He’s used this secret against you, depriving you of agency and the opportunity to have a family with s man that actually loves you and wants you sexually.
Tell the truth, don’t hide it. You’ve done nothing wrong. Don’t act like it by being secretive. Ask your attorney before telling anything though.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Would you suggest that a married man just let his wife date another man and that the husband should consider even being friends with her affair partner ?


Possibly, when a small child is involved, but I would make sure I divorced her. I am a married man, if when younger if my wife had cheated with another man (your example) and I had a small child, I hope I would react calmly and not rashly. I would want to be deliberate in my approach not emotional.

I would think about how in most places women get primary custody of the children with some level of joint custody. That means that If I want to have a long term relationship with my child, not being a vindictive jerk in front of my ex, her boyfriend and my kids is probably my best course of action. Do I have to thank her or him for cheating........absolutely not, but being civil will help everyone transition.

Would I want to burn bridges with my ex and her lover to the point that I could never be invited over to see or participate in a child's birthday party, school graduation, school play, sporting event, wedding? There is a lot to loose by completely burning bridges.

Now as to being nice to the other man? That would be incredibly hard, but if they seemed to really love each other and marriage was in the wings, then why not as alimony usually disapears when an ex get's married. Then the cheating b.....(rymes with witch) would be his problem and it could be fun to at least have occasional access to see him handle the mess he wanted.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

getawayqueenie said:


> Despite him not considering my feelings by lying and cheating,* I don’t want to out his sexuality to people we know*. Only my 2 closest friends know he cheated on me with a man and my sister just knows he cheated. *Me knowing how his family is I did not want to put it out there about his sexuality.*





getawayqueenie said:


> I’m definitely *not open to being in an open or poly relationship*. I don’t see an issue with people that do them but it’s just not for me. My husband was the only man I wanted to be with. *I feel that him knowing he was gay he should’ve left me alone* and just quietly explored his sexuality until he was ready to come out. What he’s done is not a mistake, he was kissing the guy in *the video my friend showed me*. It was all clear to see. A discussion will likely happen whether I like it or not but right now I don’t want to have it with him.


Please follow the advice of others in seeking consultation with a divorce attorney, before you move out. You need advice on everything from whether the video was done illegally or not. In some states you can have a video from a public place as long as no audio is involved. If there is audio, it could be illegal and a crime without consent. If you value what your friend did for you, learn about your local laws from the attorney.

You have been told that if you take your child and just walk out that he could file a missing person report and claim you kidnapped your child. Learn the local laws.

What he did was terrible, whether it was with a man or a woman. I am sure that if it had been a woman, it might have been easier to take. Don't feel that his cheating is a reflection on you as a woman, as it is not.

Figure out exactly, what you want, then move forward with a plan. If you want to leave to be with family or friends that will support you that is a fine idea, just do it in a way that won't legally complicate things. I can understand why you would not want to be in the same house with him after how he betrayed you.

I want to complement you on not wanting to "out him." You still probably have some positive feelings for the father of your child. That is quite commendable, especially because of how he has wronged you. Your decision to divorce is yours and based on what you posed can easily be justified.

At some point, you might want to ask him if he is bisexual or he was using you as his beard? He did prodcue a child with you and you did date for a long period of time. It might be worth knowing because of what you posted in what I quoted you saying.

Also get tested for a full battery of STD's, not just HIV. 

This is a horrible thing you are having to deal with. Get help. Good luck.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> No, I disagree. It’s clear that this poster is some progressive that wants to make excuses for every travesty that someone does and place blame elsewhere than the evildoer themselves, but the fact is that YOUR HUSBAND is who chose to lie about his sexuality and use you as a beard and betray you. I personally doubt that this is the first loverboy he’s had in your marriage. It’s the first one he’s been caught with. If it was the first, he’d have been more discreet and not kissing on the dude in public. If he was so beat down by homophobes he wouldn’t have been kissing him in public, either.
> 
> You’ve done the right thing. This guy you married has been deceiving you the whole marriage. I personally wish you’d go for full custody.
> 
> ...


You make a good point about them kissing while out having a meal. I mean if you are so worried about people's reaction you would never do that. Many heterosexual couples wouldn't kiss openly while in a restaurant. There is a time and place.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Uniqueusername said:


> First off, if you want to leave, leave. If that feels like the right thing for you than do it. I am, however, going to come at this from a different perspective from many of the comments.
> 
> What your husband did was ****ty. He spent years lying and hiding who he was from you. He has probably spent a similar amount if time lying to himself too. He failed you, but he is not the only who failed you. Every homophobe, every bigot, every hateful person who has fought to make being gay a moral dereliction has failed you and failed your husband as well. Your husband wasn't in the closet because he's an asshole, he's in the closet because society pushed him so far into it that he dragged you and your child in with him. What he did is not right, but by no means did he do it alone.
> 
> That being said, when you're ready I’d urge you to exercise forgiveness. And honestly, if it were me, I would stay put. If you can get past this, you guys could have something great. You said he’s a good dad and he always been helpful. Why give that up? Let him date, get to know his partner. You can date, he can get know your partner and your baby won’t have to be ping ponged back and forth between houses. However, I understand that might be too difficult and you have to do what is right for you. I'm sure this is an impossibly difficult situation. I'm so sorry.


What a total load of crap. Yeah, its not the cheater's fault, lol. So let's say her husband is closeted polyamorous, instead of gay. Should she forgive him for having an affair with another woman or two and tell him he should just date others? I mean cheating is frowned upon by society and people take it to the grave with them if they can. Should we just blame society for not accepting cheating on your spouse and forgive all infidelity? Your advice is idiotic. It is always the cheater's fault, NO MATTER WHAT. 

He can date whomever he wants once divorced and he can still be a great dad.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Uniqueusername said:


> First off, if you want to leave, leave. If that feels like the right thing for you than do it. I am, however, going to come at this from a different perspective from many of the comments.
> 
> What your husband did was ****ty. He spent years lying and hiding who he was from you. He has probably spent a similar amount if time lying to himself too. He failed you, but he is not the only who failed you. Every homophobe, every bigot, every hateful person who has fought to make being gay a moral dereliction has failed you and failed your husband as well. Your husband wasn't in the closet because he's an asshole, he's in the closet because society pushed him so far into it that he dragged you and your child in with him. What he did is not right, but by no means did he do it alone.
> 
> That being said, when you're ready I’d urge you to exercise forgiveness. And honestly, if it were me, I would stay put. If you can get past this, you guys could have something great. You said he’s a good dad and he always been helpful. Why give that up? Let him date, get to know his partner. You can date, he can get know your partner and your baby won’t have to be ping ponged back and forth between houses. However, I understand that might be too difficult and you have to do what is right for you. I'm sure this is an impossibly difficult situation. I'm so sorry.



This thread has set some sort of record for horrible advice given. Between you and the dirty old man she just as well blow the affair partner and sign her baby over to Wonder Couple. 

Simply unbelievable……🤮


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

OP's husband made hundreds of decisions to intentionally deceive his wife over a period of many years. That is 100% on him. Blaming society for that is a joke.

He is a run of the mill cheater and has the commensurate lack of morals and integrity.


----------



## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Uniqueusername said:


> First off, if you want to leave, leave. If that feels like the right thing for you than do it. I am, however, going to come at this from a different perspective from many of the comments.
> 
> What your husband did was ****ty. He spent years lying and hiding who he was from you. He has probably spent a similar amount if time lying to himself too. He failed you, but he is not the only who failed you. Every homophobe, every bigot, every hateful person who has fought to make being gay a moral dereliction has failed you and failed your husband as well. Your husband wasn't in the closet because he's an asshole, he's in the closet because society pushed him so far into it that he dragged you and your child in with him. What he did is not right, but by no means did he do it alone.
> 
> That being said, when you're ready I’d urge you to exercise forgiveness. And honestly, if it were me, I would stay put. If you can get past this, you guys could have something great. You said he’s a good dad and he always been helpful. Why give that up? Let him date, get to know his partner. You can date, he can get know your partner and your baby won’t have to be ping ponged back and forth between houses. However, I understand that might be too difficult and you have to do what is right for you. I'm sure this is an impossibly difficult situation. I'm so sorry.


WTF?????


----------



## getawayqueenie (10 mo ago)

Uniqueusername said:


> First off, if you want to leave, leave. If that feels like the right thing for you than do it. I am, however, going to come at this from a different perspective from many of the comments.
> 
> What your husband did was ****ty. He spent years lying and hiding who he was from you. He has probably spent a similar amount if time lying to himself too. He failed you, but he is not the only who failed you. Every homophobe, every bigot, every hateful person who has fought to make being gay a moral dereliction has failed you and failed your husband as well. Your husband wasn't in the closet because he's an asshole, he's in the closet because society pushed him so far into it that he dragged you and your child in with him. What he did is not right, but by no means did he do it alone.
> 
> That being said, when you're ready I’d urge you to exercise forgiveness. And honestly, if it were me, I would stay put. If you can get past this, you guys could have something great. You said he’s a good dad and he always been helpful. Why give that up? Let him date, get to know his partner. You can date, he can get know your partner and your baby won’t have to be ping ponged back and forth between houses. However, I understand that might be too difficult and you have to do what is right for you. I'm sure this is an impossibly difficult situation. I'm so sorry.


I appreciate your comment and I am very aware of how society treats gay people but at the end of the day my soon-to-be ex husband may not have been closeted because he’s an asshole but he took advantage of, lied, neglected, and cheated on me because he is an asshole. There are many closeted gay men that do not take advantage of women just to get by so he doesn’t get a pass. Society may have forced him in that closet but society didn’t force him do what he’s done to me. He doesn’t get grace just because he’s an asshole that happens to be a part of a marginalized group. Absolutely not. We could’ve had something great if he wasn’t a lying , cheating piece of trash but he’s not so that option for something great is gone. Our marriage is done. I will not give him any more of my time than he’s already taken from me. We will have a co-parenting relationship but that’s all.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I truly think that you are going to really feel bad, not because you left this con man, but because you let him waste years of your life in a sham of a man. When you meet a man that loves you snd is normal….. you’re not going to believe what you’ve been missing.
The Friend of yours that gave you the heads up —- sure did you a solid. You’ve got a real nice life to look forward to.


----------



## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Always best to exit and put a betrayer in one's rearview, IMO. Drawing distinctions because he is gay is not right. Betrayal is betrayal. You would never trust him or feel the same again. It is very normal to resent him for this theft of your time and abuse.


----------



## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Why?
> 
> The dude cut her off from intimacy.
> He lied about who he is.
> ...


I think the suggestion is to keep it as a bargaining chip vs protecting him. Once the divorce is final, all,best are off.


----------



## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

getawayqueenie said:


> Despite him not considering my feelings by lying and cheating, I don’t want to out his sexuality to people we know. Only my 2 closest friends know he cheated on me with a man and my sister just knows he cheated. Me knowing how his family is I did not want to put it out there about his sexuality.


Most likely, if a friend or two know, this will become common knowledge sooner or later.


----------



## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> and what does she do with her newborn child now? who will support her and the kid? are you going to send her a check to live on?
> 
> why does she have to leave NOW! RIGHT AWAY.
> she can decide to leave in a year or two, like when the kid is old enough to be in day care as she works her job....


Child support plus his share of daycare costs. Not rocket science.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

File for divorce as soon as you get moved. Make sure you have some money in your name only - enough to give you peace of mind.


----------



## Killi (May 12, 2021)

Uniqueusername said:


> That being said, when you're ready I’d urge you to exercise forgiveness. And honestly, if it were me, I would stay put. If you can get past this, you guys could have something great. You said he’s a good dad and he always been helpful. Why give that up? Let him date, get to know his partner. You can date, he can get know your partner and your baby won’t have to be ping ponged back and forth between houses. However, I understand that might be too difficult and you have to do what is right for you. I'm sure this is an impossibly difficult situation. I'm so sorry.


WTF is "something great" here exactly? Lying, deception, manipulation ?


----------

