# Long story: Sexting/Texting Addicted Spouse - EAs and some PA, too. Ugh.



## Mariam (Mar 28, 2014)

Hi everyone, 

I'm Mariam and I've been with my wayward husband for twenty tears, fourteen married. I've known from early in our marriage that he had a strong need for external validation from other women. He's been in and out of therapy for this issue. Periodically he's developed these inappropriate 'friendships' that he's tried to play off as normal, but I always caught him (no, he's never voluntarily confessed) and we did marriage counseling for a while, there were tears and admissions of a problem, blah, blah... 

To my knowledge, his emotional transgressions occurred 1998, in 2002, and in 2007. I am quite certain these early ones never ended up in full sexual affairs because he carries the herpes virus and is terrified of passing it along. But I wouldn't be surprised if there'd been some heavy petting. 

Number four occurred in 2011, when a female employee's husband discovered quite the salacious sexting affair between the two of them. This was an escalation in several ways: not only was it the first time he'd used text to carry on his EA, but the OW works for him (pause and consider the employment law ramifications). Moreover, friends, I was recovering from chemotherapy for breast cancer at the time. And the OW's husband confronted my WH in public, at his place of employment, forcing WH to report all of this to his bosses. It was humiliating and very public. 

I threatened divorce. I also instinctively did what I now know was the 180, told him to get himself into serious therapy, and refused couples counseling because, friends, fixing his addictive behaviors is NOT my problem. We'd done plenty of couples therapy, even a retreat... So this time, I told him to fix himself. He was pretty damn humiliated by the whole thing. He went to therapy for six months and the OW left the workplace. He told me they had no contact. It was all over. 

And for three years we were darned happy! He's always been wrapped up in himself, but I set my boundaries, we worked on some intimacy issues, and we both acted grateful and happy for making it through some rotten times. Good marriages learn and grow. Right??

Until two weeks ago. 

It's a long, weird story, but a series of bizarre text messages to his phone led to my cornering him and discovering that a) he'd never *stopped his EA with the co-worker of 2011 *and B) he'd started a second EA with a much younger employee of his! Two texting/sexting affairs simultaneously. And yes, he and he OW from 2011 escalated sexually, too. Going through the phone records, I was stunned to see that over the past 18 months, he had sent/received over EIGHT THOUSAND text messages a month. Not to me! How did I miss this? All I can say is that he is extremely deceptive and masked his obsessive texting very well. Plus I work a lot, so he had ample opportunity to send badly spelled 140 character messages to his TMobile love connections. But the betrayal and deception, so many times, has me feeling like a frakking moron. 

So... I kicked him out and demanded a six month separation while he gets himself into treatment for what seems to be a weird sex/texting addiction. I make plenty of money, I pay the mortgage and we have no kids, so that makes this little easier. For me. Sucks for him. He is sad, remorseful, weeping, says he is in pain, has a compulsive disorder, etc., etc. UGH! 

I do know that WS is dealing with a raft of unresolved trauma and I'm hoping this will finally get him to focus on the deep work he needs to do. Our marriage was never awful, believe it or not. There's a lot about our relationship that's fun, unique, delightful, loving, intimate... Except, of course, that he's got this bats**t crazy addiction to sexting and emotional affairs and repeatedly screws everything up with stunning self-destructiveness. 

So... I'm wondering if anyone has structured a trial separation with the expectation of significant work and behavioral change for the WS. How did you set it up? How did you manage it? If you reconciled, how long did that process take? 

I do have a counselor and a great support network. I'll be fine with or without him, but it would be nice to salvage the good in our marriage if we can. 

Thanks everyone. The venting was a good way to start my Friday!


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## Row Jimmy (Apr 15, 2013)

Mariam

With no kids in the picture leaving is the simple easy answer.

Why would you want to be with a proven liar? He's already had his chance to redeem himself and he blew it massively. 

There are better people out there so go find one!

Best of luck!


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

If you truly want to be happy you need to move on. With out him. 


Holy crap, 8,000 text messages. How would he possibly have the time to write them. That's 11 text messages an hour, every hour of the month. That's insane. 


He's addicted to the high. You would think after the embarrassment of the first incident would knock sense into him. It won't ever end. You'll be miserable wondering if he is doing it again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Liars and manipulators turn on and off the water works as it suits them. He's had ample opportunity, get rid of him. You sticking around is actually enabling him anyway.

Of course it sucks for him; his meal ticket threw him out. None of his wh0res are going to pay his bills for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mariam (Mar 28, 2014)

Oh yeah, I've had the same thought. I might get to divorce in the end, who knows. This is the first time he's joined a 12 Step group -I think it's one of the sex addiction groups - and he's seeing a certified sex addiction counselor. Since I've never seen this level of activity on his part, I am willing to give it one more shot. He truly seems to have hit rock bottom, perhaps for the first time in his life. Hence the trial separation. 

I have to admit, though: having the house to myself has been really wonderful. It's been two weeks. I've cried and grieved plenty, believe me, but there's this little bird on my shoulder and she is singing... I'm considering splurging on an entirely new bedroom set, just for me! I do wonder if this separation could become permanent, just because I find myself quite happy alone. It's a frightening and exhilarating thought. 

Either way, I'm not going back to what used to be.


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## Mariam (Mar 28, 2014)

jerry123 said:


> If you truly want to be happy you need to move on. With out him.
> 
> 
> Holy crap, 8,000 text messages. How would he possibly have the time to write them. That's 11 text messages an hour, every hour of the month. That's insane.
> ...



Uh, YEAH! I'm furious at his sheer stupidity. And amazed, amazed at the messaging rates. I printed four months' worth of phone records and blew out an ink cartridge. WTF??


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You're a smart, capable lady so you'll make a good decision. I personally wouldn't take him back, I divorced my ex with two little kids for less, but since you know him you have to use your own judgment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Mariam said:


> Uh, YEAH! I'm furious at his sheer stupidity. And amazed, amazed at the messaging rates. I printed four months' worth of phone records and blew out an ink cartridge. WTF??


Make him pay for those ink cartrages, they can get damn expensive. 


Hey, kudos to you for sticking around. But I know by the way you write, you're much happier without him. In a sense you want him to screw up again to be done with it. Don't worry sounds like he will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mariam (Mar 28, 2014)

So back to my question... Has anyone tried a structured, moderated trial separation to get the WS to pull her/his s**t together? This is the one thing we haven't tried. 

At least WH is not a sociopath or a narcissist, thank god. He's got a bizarre addictive disorder that makes him narcissistic, but I do think he could pull out of it. 

Not that I'll be around for the final outcome. I'm practicing detached compassion. But I'm willing to give it six months; I just don't know what toes ex months should look like, nor what my expectations should be. 

If I seem calm, it's because I've been through a lot in my short life. For example, compared to getting a cancer diagnosis at 40, this is not the end of the world. I know how to grieve. And at least I won't lose my hair this time. So that's nice.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

He's a liar. 

You're already feeling lighter and brighter. 

In fact he's a damn fine liar, kept at it for years and you never realised it. 

If you do R, look forward to snooping like crazy for the next few years. . . yes years.

Or. . .


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Mariam said:


> So back to my question... Has anyone tried a structured, moderated trial separation to get the WS to pull her/his s**t together? This is the one thing we haven't tried.
> 
> At least WH is not a sociopath or a narcissist, thank god. He's got a bizarre addictive disorder that makes him narcissistic, but I do think he could pull out of it.
> 
> ...


Sorry Miriam, i didn't see your post immediately before mine. 
I haven't heard of a structured, moderated trial separation. 

As in there's a specific time period with very clear expectations and rules of engagement about what is and isn't allowed like dating?

Wouldn't that be like letting him loose in the candy store? What's he going to do with all that alone time on his hands?

I dunno - it doesn't sound like a good way to fix it IMO and sorry I haven't come across what you describe.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You really need to dump him and find a real man. When you feel you are ready. Sorry for your situation. You deserve better, but you wont get better until you get rid of him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Mariam said:


> At least WH is not a sociopath or a narcissist, thank god. *He's got a bizarre addictive disorder *that makes him narcissistic, but I do think he could pull out of it.


No, he doesn't.

Your husband is a serial cheater. He isn't an addict, he has a serious, deep, _abiding_ character defect. 

By the way, I think a structured trial separation will only delay the eventual end of your marriage. But, if you're going to go through with this it, you should slap some spyware on his mobile devices. I might even see if there's a way to covertly access his work communications. Then, do not give any appearance of checking up on him, don't ask about contact with other women, just remain silent and play along as if you're the trusting, gullible wife who would never think to check up on him now that he's in treatment. I would be willing to bet a rather staggering sum of money that he will be back to his old tricks fairly quickly, even while continuing in therapy.


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## whatisheupto? (Mar 5, 2014)

Mariam said:


> I do have ... a great support network. I'll be fine with or without him, but it would be nice to salvage the good in our marriage if we can.


Wow - I find myself in a frighteningly similar situation as yours and I wish I could say the above (I do have a therapist). We've been married for 16 years and we have 2 kids 6 and 11. I have also known from early on that he was "overly flirtatious" with other women. I did not recognize it as "needing validation" from other women until I caught him in a texting EA 2 years ago. He basically told me he was not satisfied with me sexually and that he was interacting with these other women to get the attention that he felt like he wasn't getting from me. Long story short, I made an effort to "improve" things in the bedroom and forgave him. Now 2 years later I find myself in the same boat. But THIS time he hid it much better. Texting was too easy to trace so Snapchat and deleted FB messages prevailed. I told him I was done with him. He moved into the guest bedroom because I was so afraid of upsetting the kids I didn't want him to move out yet. He has played MR NICE GUY. I told him he needed to get therapy, gave him 3 weeks to get a therapist. As of yesterday, NO THERAPIST yet, so I outed him to his family. He is FURIOUS with me. So I am also considering how to structure a separation while INSISTING that he get help. I just have to be able to walk away if he doesn't get help and that scares me - mainly because of the kids. It is interesting that you say your husband is not a narcissist. My therapist is convinced that MY husband has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I read a book on the subject, and the prognosis for recovery is quite GRIM. Best of luck to you on finding an answer to your question. I might benefit from the same information so I will keep checking back...


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Life is too short. So don't make it painful. Dump him, enjoy your life till it's time for the grim reaper to pm you.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Mariam said:


> Oh yeah, I've had the same thought. I might get to divorce in the end, who knows. This is the first time he's joined a 12 Step group -I think it's one of the sex addiction groups - and he's seeing a certified sex addiction counselor. Since I've never seen this level of activity on his part, I am willing to give it one more shot. He truly seems to have hit rock bottom, perhaps for the first time in his life. Hence the trial separation.
> 
> I have to admit, though: having the house to myself has been really wonderful. It's been two weeks. I've cried and grieved plenty, believe me, but there's this little bird on my shoulder and she is singing... I'm considering splurging on an entirely new bedroom set, just for me! I do wonder if this separation could become permanent, just because I find myself quite happy alone. It's a frightening and exhilarating thought.
> 
> Either way, I'm not going back to what used to be.


As a clinician I will jump in here. Can you or anyone else define from the American Psychiatric Association's DSM-5 what sexual addiction is? It does not exist. Personally, I understand when people talk about sexual addiction as it is a tidy way to define a set of behaviors. But Sexual addiction is not a clinically valid diagnosis. But I do not disagree with addressing sexual behaviors and there are several good therapies out there.

12 step programs are a good start. Seeing a person who understands "sexual addictions" is also good. I have worked with some and though I still disagree with the diagnosis, I do not disagree with addressing certain behaviors and I have seen some good work done by therapists who work with sexual behaviors. 

If your husband is texting so much, there is also other things to look at as well. Obsessive compusive behavior to name one. The amount of texting you stated is way, way over the top. The issue of intimacy is another.


Separation: To address your question, make sure you have clear guidlelines. Too many times folks end up in other relationships and don't consider it cheating if there are no clear rules.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Mariam,

I'm not big on lengthy separations when there's infidelity involved. I don't believe they work out very often, though I don't have any hard evidence.

In my view, either the CS changes their behavior immediately or that's it. Consulting with an attorney and separating a couple of weeks to help him understand the thought of losing his wife; for sure, that's a good idea.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> As a clinician I will jump in here. Can you or anyone else define from the American Psychiatric Association's DSM-5 what sexual addiction is? It does not exist.


 I totally agree Thorburn. 

There is way too much tendency these days to pathologize what in the old days was simply called bad behaviour, selfishness, egotism and the like. 

Cheaters were not labelled with a psychiatric disorder and called narcissists or addicts or whatever. They were simply called selfish bas*ards or b*tches. Ooops! Scuse language!

There are rare exceptions. For example most murderers are NOT psychopaths. 

Cheaters do it because they can. 
All spouses will come across someone at work or socially they might have dated if single. . . but they don't ACT on it. 
Cheaters do and they don't let inconvenient things like love, honesty, truth or respect get in the way.

8000 texts isn't necessarily an addiction IMO. Rather it shows his job allows him text all day. It's like 'chat' except by text. Imagine a 15 minute conversation translated into a text conversation and broken up into short sentences. It would be quite a few texts.

I don't think being addicted to texting is his problem. He's just a cheater who likes to have a secret life with lots of female attention but also likes to have a 'wifey' to run home to like a Mom. My WS was just the same. 

Your WS is just another bas*ard who suffers from the disorder of 'selfishness'. 

Sorry OP, hope I don't sound cross and excuse the language but too often on here I see cheaters described as if they had some mental illness.


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## NostalgicOne (Mar 24, 2014)

I REALLY have a hard time with the diagnosis, 'sex addict" as well. I truly believe mine was just an all out sociopath. No empathy is the biggest flag.
I also wonder if some cheater didn't simply classify this as an addiction to garner sympathy.
Everyone daydreams about other scenarios but impulse control usually checks those daydreams. 
They don't "have" to cheat. I just don't believe it.
They could've not been a coward and resolved themselves of the marriage 1st.


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