# Anyone read "Mindful Loving" by Henry Grayson?



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Just wondering.

The premise is that our thoughts are very powerful to change our relationships.

Think positive-->things will BE positive.

Needless to say, I'm attempting to change my relationship through my thoughts.

He talks about an experiment he did in his own marriage: for 2 weeks, he alternated thinking ONLY positive or negative thoughts about his wife. On the positive days, she was happy to see him when he got home from work, and on the negative days, he came home to a grumpy wife.

Honestly, the way he makes his points does sound a little "out there," but I am a spiritual person and I do have faith that we are more than we can see, and that we affect our realities. So I'm reading it and "trying it."

I'm hoping that if I think and dwell on positive, loving thoughts and intentions, the love in my marriage will increase.

My husband said he'd read the book with me if I want him to, but I don't really think it's his style. 

Has anyone read this book?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sounds like a wagon full of crap to me.

"Changing attitudes" without any change in the underlying fundamentals only results in swallowing emotions and eventual outbursts.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

He gets into the underlying fundamentals too, like the core beliefs that inform our thoughts, which influence our emotions. I was just summarizing.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> He gets into the underlying fundamentals too, like the core beliefs that inform our thoughts, which influence our emotions. I was just summarizing.


Ok - didn't mean to sound harsh.

This is just like the other thread where we're exchanging thoughts.

If you change "how you see something", it has transformative results - rather than simply swallowing issues whole.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Yes, he talks about how influential "perceptual shifts" can be.
If I perceive my husband's words, behaviors, whatever, in a way other than as an affront to me, it can transform my feelings about it and influence our dynamic positively.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Yes, he talks about how influential "perceptual shifts" can be.
> If I perceive my husband's words, behaviors, whatever, in a way other than as an affront to me, it can transform my feelings about it and influence our dynamic positively.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In other words, if you see a response as "fearful" on his part - rather than insulting.

That's exactly the right path.

(Still doesn't release him from responsibility for him. You can only fix you)


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Just wondering.
> 
> The premise is that our thoughts are very powerful to change our relationships.
> 
> ...


I think that it is not always the whole story. But I think it can be very powerful. 

Is the book good? I am reading a bit about mindfulness in many areas of my life.



> Honestly, the way he makes his points does sound a little "out there,"


How else is going to get on Opera, sell a gazillion books, and make a killing?!?



> but I am a spiritual person and I do have faith that we are more than we can see, and that we affect our realities. So I'm reading it and "trying it."
> 
> I'm hoping that if I think and dwell on positive, loving thoughts and intentions, the love in my marriage will increase.


At very least you will be helping YOU which is half of the marriage.



> My husband said he'd read the book with me if I want him to, but I don't really think it's his style.
> 
> Has anyone read this book?


Nope. But I will if you like it.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I know he does need to be responsible for his side.
The thing about my H is that he's much more likely to do something if he does it on his own accord, without me pushing; such as taking responsibility for snapping at me, for example.
That's where I need to trust him and trust that it will occur to him to think about his own faults and own them, without me demanding an apology for them.
And honestly I don't want to have to demand or force him. Love is free and given freely, by definition not forced.
I have to just try my best to give what I hope to receive (but not just because I hope to receive it, otherwise it isn't really love) and trust him and respect his freedom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

>>The thing about my H is that he's much more likely to do something if he does it on his own accord,<<

Everyone is that way.

I mean everyone.

Anyone who claims to "change" for another person is lying.

Underneath simmers a pool of resentment.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

@vt, it's good but not the most practical. 
Kind of heady with the psychology + physics + spirituality = transformation.
Mainly it's good for encouraging you to be aware of your thoughts and how they can contribute good or bad to your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Conrad said:


> >>The thing about my H is that he's much more likely to do something if he does it on his own accord,<<
> 
> Everyone is that way.
> 
> ...


Lying or misunderstanding that it was their own self interest ,,, perhaps in the form of keeping the other person that motivated the change? I know I made some changes "for him" that were really self interest. I want him in my life. In order to have that, I had to change. I can see how someone would think they did it for the other person. I regularly attempt to make changes to make him happy. I want him happy. I am sometimes unclear if I want him happy because it makes me happy? 

Do you think people can act selflessly? That has always been a question for me that I have not really formed an opinion on.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Ouch, resentment? 
Ok. Maybe not toward me exclusively. But some toward me, toward any person or figure who "pushes" or forces.
I admit I harbor resentment toward him too. He knows it takes time for certain things from months ago to no longer affect or repeat on me (us). 
I suppose to follow the logic here, if I want him to release his resentment of me, I'll need to release mine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Ouch, resentment?
> Ok. Maybe not toward me exclusively. But some toward me, toward any person or figure who "pushes" or forces.
> I admit I harbor resentment toward him too. He knows it takes time for certain things from months ago to no longer affect or repeat on me (us).
> I suppose to follow the logic here, if I want him to release his resentment of me, I'll need to release mine.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Someone has to go first.

It's called leadership.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

I would definitely favor changing ACTIONS first and letting the attitudes follow; basically the opposite of what's recommended. Changing mindsets is tougher in my opinion...It's really easy to get lost in the mental world of "attitudes" without doing anything differently in the real world. If, on the other hand, you choose to change your BEHAVIOR, it's both more measurable and more attainable as a goal (ie: I will kiss my spouse goodbye everyday, or I will take out the trash every night). Those things are not hard to do at all; in some relationships with problems, they SEEM hard because of all those mental roadblocks. You don't actually have to change your attitudes or get rid of negative feelings in order to perform a simple, specific action...By DOING first, you can be more aware of the direct effects of your changes (ie: your spouse is nicer to you, or you feel proud for helping) and that will help you create new mental habits more easily.

Mindfulness is great though; it's good for developing introspection and awareness of emotions. But I think it's better in conjunction with a more active approach.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Lime, it is interesting to change actions first and let the mind follow, because yes I agree that doing things can be easier change than thinking or feeling things.
But that's exactly why the thoughts, beliefs, and feelings must shift and not just behaviors--whatever the sequence.
I think it has to be both. I know DOing caring behaviors is easier for my H than changing his thoughts and feelings, but sonetimes he'll do something caring or helpful, with an angry or resentful spirit. I know, I need to be appreciative of the action and effort anyway, and not demand the accompanying generous spirit with every generous action---but see how that requires a perceptual/thought/feeling shift on my part, allowing space for his caring, loving action?
It must go hand in hand, and I am doing my best most of the time...and trust that he is too.
The best I can say is that our relationship is getting better, because we've seen the worst already!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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