# Getting past the hurt



## missv (Apr 1, 2010)

Here's the background. We've been married 13 years. He's very into health, working out. I was very slender when we first met--and overweight now. He told me when we first met that being healthy was very important to him. It is to me too, but equally are many other aspects of a relationship. Have a 20 year old daughter (he's raised) from my first marriage (abusive).Admitted to him 4 1/2 years ago I am an alcoholic after lying about it (wasn't admitting it to myself either). Am attending AA. Went through a few years when we weren't sure if we'd stay together (his thoughts). He did go through counseling too. Thought we had weathered this. But there's trust issues on my part also. When this was all happening, I found out he'd started up a past relationship. Said it was only to get pics of his deceased dad. Without getting involved in that story, I truely do believe that. He's a retired cop, and believes that the end justifies the mean. He stopped that budding relationship, showed me the email and pressed send. Forward to the present--he fell asleep with laptop on his stomach on the couch last weekend. When I went to shut it, saw the beginning of an email he's writing "hi baby, l would give anything to be able to bring you to (our state)....can't because of my situation." I confronted him and he started with the "you know things haven't been good between us for a long time.....no romance, etc". I agree and have been, am trying to lose weight. but also have recently been diagnosed with a rare type of arthritis, strict limitations of type of exercise, etc. He says he's only ever asked me for one thing-to lose weight and feels like i don't care about what he wants, he's broken his back providing, I want for nothing, he's talked and I haven't listened or don't care to listen... My response..I've never asked for anything, take care of him to the point of laying out clothes and toiletries when he was working 2 jobs, etc. Told him that while I knew things could be better, you don't give someone a Valentine's Day card and write "You are the love of my life", and laugh, joke, share inside secrets, etc and have everyone think you've got the perfect marriage, then blindside them with this. Told him that while he obviously feels he had to find something elsewhere, I can't live pretending things are great and I didn't know where this left us, but "it is what it is". I told him that I felt even if I lost huge amounts of weight, I'd always wonder who/when would be next the next time he wasn't happy with something. Now he says that nothing happened (I do believe because of geographics), nothing ever would have happened, no one would wait 2 1/2 years for him (he said in the past if we ever were to split, he wouldn't want it until daughter got out of college), but he needed to feel wanted. My thoughts....he could have called his old therapist about this but he chose this path. He used to be on the computer every spare second. He no longer is. He tries to make conversation, make me laugh, etc. I don't know if he's reassessing because I've never stood strong before, I've always accepted everything as my fault-but with AA I no longer do. It takes 2. 
Like I said, trust issues on both parts. I'm trying to figure out how to get past the hurt, betrayal to start working on this.
Any ideas??


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## zato (Apr 1, 2010)

Everything starts with conversation have a sit down an discuss what u both want out of each other and the marriage. I'm going thru a tough time as well and getting passed the hurt is very tiring and painful. Ur hubby also have to understand that being healthy does not mean u have to be thin ! To me it sounds like he wants a super model an he ain't getting that ... first part to healing is healing urself an getting comfortable with who u are.


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## missv (Apr 1, 2010)

I know you're absoutely right. And I am so tired that right this second I don't really care about having a sit down. No, not true, I'm just too tired for a sit down. I know if I were to be more healthy, the weight would follow. But with the medical restrictions, there's not much I'm allowed to do just yet. "No resistance, no weights, your daily range of motion is your exercise" per MD.
Plus, to be honest, there's a lot of fear involved. Not fear of being alone, at times it seems like it would be prettty nice. But fear that if we do work things out, of it happening again. Like I told him, I'd wonder who/when would be next. 
And thank you so much for responding. It really does help alot to say things outloud. Like they say in AA....once it's put on the table, it doesn't have quite the same power over you.


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## zato (Apr 1, 2010)

Like in AA they say 1 day at a time right ? So don't be to hard on yourself or ur fella. What u can do is try an bring the fire back into his eyes u know do something he likes that will impress him. Always thinking of who's gonna be next and being scared is tough and depressing trust me I went through it with my wife ahaha in the end it's only gonna end up hurting u not him. Try an satisfy u for a while and be confident with the woman u are and missv I do believe that a woman's confidence is everything isn't it ? where is ur's show off a bit and make him think or do something to just let him think about u. 

Yeah it is better to get things out instead of keeping it in. So say whatever u want and.


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## missv (Apr 1, 2010)

Well, we are at least talking and civil to eachother now. And he tells me he loves me...that he always has and that hasn't changed. Keeps saying nothing happened and nothing would have happened. But we still haven't had chance to actually sit down alone and talk about this all. I see him online and wonder if he's emailing her, if he's talked to her while I'm away from home. He doesn't know that I know she lives not too far from where we own some land with the intent of relocating there someday. How ironic. Like I really want to go there now!!! When we do finally talk, how much do I let him know that I know? Yes, I obviously looked into her when I found out. As anyone knows, it's not difficult. I can picture him being put out by my investigating, with him being a cop and all, but I don't think what I did was abnormal. Nervous energy is making the weight fly off right now. But now I wonder if the only reason he's starting to talk is because of that. And that sort of pisses me off. But I don't know if it's true anger, or fear.


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