# Wife and I on different sexual wavelengths



## The Grey One (Dec 9, 2013)

My wife and I are on very different sexual wavelengths. When we first met, we were on the same page and had sex at least once a day. This continued until she got sick - a sickness which consumed 2.5 years of her life until the doctors figured it out, and is now 'managed'.

Her sickness caused her much pain during sex, so naturally our sex life fell off. I stayed committed to her and we got married as planned (before she got diagnosed). Her illness caused much strain on our marriage, since I was carrying a larger percentage of the burden as she was unable. She would often feel like I'd be better off without her, etc - but we stuck through it.

We still have our share of problems, many of which I feel stem from her illness, but I think we've come through somewhat stronger than we went in.

Our sex life, however, has taken a permanent hit. If I don't initiate sex, she doesn't - I've gone over a month waiting for her to do something - even start a kiss - but nothing happens. If I initiate, she becomes willing quickly enough (sex doesn't usually cause her pain anymore), but I'm always the one making every single sexual decision - position, timing, etc. I've asked her to get more engaged and take some initiative, but this discussion inevitably ends with her crying because she feels like she is a failure, and me feeling like an ass.

Lately, I've stopped initiating sex many times because I feel I don't get much more gratification than if I masturbated, and masturbation is far less effort. My sexual frustration have led me to thoughts of having an affair on more than one occasion - not helped by my getting offers on occasion. So far I've stayed true.

I've considered divorce from time to time, however our marriage is largely fine, and we have two fantastic children who would be devastated if we split.




So my question is - what do I do? Is there any light at the end of this tunnel?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I would try first to print off what you have typed here and ask her to read it so she knows how serious this is getting (you could likely remove the part about being tempted to an affair but leave in the divorce part.) 

In my opinion the only hope is if she realizes her marriage is in jeapordy and consents to work with you on returning your sex life to what it once was. Instead of waiting to the day you are ready to ask for a divorce she should know how many steps have been taken in that direction.


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## The Grey One (Dec 9, 2013)

Aside from the divorce and affair part, I have discussed these problems with her on many occasions. She always promises to try - but nothing ever changes. If I remind her of her promise to try, she gets upset - claiming she is trying.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You're going to have to try a lot harder than that with this crowd. Now, you know she was saying that letting your wife know you're headed toward divorce is vital.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

The Grey One said:


> Aside from the divorce and affair part, I have discussed these problems with her on many occasions. She always promises to try - but nothing ever changes. If I remind her of her promise to try, she gets upset - claiming she is trying.


Most of us have heard the old "I will try, I am trying" without any follow through.

I think that line is just a cop out to get you to drop "the talk" and go back leaving her alone.

Dont set consequences you are not ready to follow through with.

What illness is she managing?


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## The Grey One (Dec 9, 2013)

I don't know if I am headed toward divorce. I've thought about it, but that's about it. I know I certainly don't want to.

I'm not inclined to put that nugget into her brain when I'm not seriously thinking about divorce. To me, that feels like I'm blackmailing her.


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## The Grey One (Dec 9, 2013)

Janky said:


> Most of us have heard the old "I will try, I am trying" without any follow through.
> 
> I think that line is just a cop out to get you to drop "the talk" and go back leaving her alone.
> 
> ...


The first illness was Endometriosis. She was recently diagnosed with Celiac disease as well. Her Endometriosis was to the point where the docs were on the verge of a hysterectomy, but with the Celiac diagnosis they're holding off, since apparently that can make the symptoms of Endometriosis much worse.

So far it does seem to be bothering her much less now that she's cut gluten out of her diet.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Ive suffered the same with endometriosis - I have had multiple surgeries so I feel for your wife that she is dealing with that issue.

Now that she is not suffering the same pain and discomfort I can understand how she would have the association. 

Regardless - if she doesn't cooperate with you this situation will not improve. People by nature do not lend themselves to change without motivation. Either she will need to choose to change out of.love for you and desire to keep your marriage strong - or because she fears the marriage failing. 

Either of those would be fine - effort out of love is preferable of course - but either way shes going to need to receive the message that this is serious business.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Ive also seen a few women here say their minds were changed after reading some accounts of some of the men here living in sexless marriages. I think some spouses don't give much thought to he emotional damage they are inflicting on their loved one. 

Regardless. The first step is that she gets a clear picture as to the damage she is causing you and your marriage. Your second step will have to be based on her reaction to this.

Incidently I have been dealing with this since March (being the month I leveled with my husband) and can say that change (or not) is a long, slow process and there are no guarantees to the outcome.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

The Grey One said:


> My wife and I are on very different sexual wavelengths. When we first met, we were on the same page and had sex at least once a day. This continued until she got sick - a sickness which consumed 2.5 years of her life until the doctors figured it out, and is now 'managed'.
> 
> Her sickness caused her much pain during sex, so naturally our sex life fell off. I stayed committed to her and we got married as planned (before she got diagnosed). Her illness caused much strain on our marriage, since I was carrying a larger percentage of the burden as she was unable. She would often feel like I'd be better off without her, etc - but we stuck through it.
> 
> ...



I feel for you.

Can you do this? Sit down with you wifee and both of you take the 5 love languages quiz and then compare afterwards. You both will truly know what each others main need is and how and what to do for each other. My wifee is Acts of Service were as I'm Physical. She she isn't in the mood for sex much but will now have sex around 3x week versus 1 - 2x month. I do things around the house and help her without being asked, cuddling, listening but don't try to sexually please her as much as I would like. I've been there as well, thinking about hooking up with a hottie "friends with benefits" but I stayed true as well. If sex causes her pain, so she doesn't want sex, there are so many ways she can please you without PIV "penis in vagina". You can try oiled hand jobs, oiled foot jobs, lots of oral sex, breast jobs, the list goes on and on. None of this requires penetration which physically hurts her. Wish you the best brother.


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## LadyDee (Oct 1, 2013)

racicotzhe said:


> I have discussed these problems with her on many occasions.


:scratchhead:


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

The Grey One said:


> Aside from the divorce and affair part, I have discussed these problems with her on many occasions. She always promises to try - but nothing ever changes. If I remind her of her promise to try, she gets upset - claiming she is trying.


Then maybe it's time to explain all, including the divorce and affair part. At this point, what have you got to lose?

I should add though, that you aren't really in a sexless marriage, as some people are suggesting. if I understand correctly, the sex is fine, it's just that she never initiates?


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## The Grey One (Dec 9, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Then maybe it's time to explain all, including the divorce and affair part. At this point, what have you got to lose?
> 
> I should add though, that you aren't really in a sexless marriage, as some people are suggesting. if I understand correctly, the sex is fine, it's just that she never initiates?


We have sex, but it's not usually very good since she rarely interacts.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

The Grey One said:


> We have sex, but it's not usually very good since she rarely interacts.


What exactly do you mean by rarely interacts? Corpse?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

My wife is not much on the initiation part either. Mostly we have a regular schedule (Sunday just before lunch) and I have to entertain myself the rest of the time. It is not my ideal but whatever. I decided that quality is more important than quantity. 

I tried writing it down and talking about it early on and it just seemed to make her feel worse so I gave that up. We do not have kids but I do feel some loyalty to try. Lately things have been picking up a bit and I have certainly slowed down at age 52. 

Maybe once her health has fully rebounded things will improve for you if you just stay open and supportive even if it is not the ideal marriage right at the moment.


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## The Grey One (Dec 9, 2013)

T&T said:


> What exactly do you mean by rarely interacts? Corpse?


Clutching my back is about the most interaction I get.

I swear some times it feels like I'm raping her.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

This is a case where a sex therapist may be needed. 

Would she be willing to go? Would you?

Did she initiate in the beginning?


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