# Mother-In-Law Advice!



## sharastarr (Mar 27, 2013)

Hello everyone! I specifically joined this forum because I need some advice about living with my mother-in-law (or boyfriend's mom, because we are not married.. no advice on the not being married thing, please.. we're happy that way).

Anyway, my boyfriend is from South America and moved here to the U.S. when he was in high school. He has a sister who is a few years older than him that he moved in with. Having grown up without his dad in is life, his sister and him are very close to their mom. She comes to visit at least once a year for at least six months (required of her permenant residency). Since living here, they have always lived together because that is how their culture is, and they are very close as well.

When I started dating him, I was 19 and he was 21. We didn't decide to move in together until three years ago when I was 24 and he was 26. At the time, he lived in his mother's home with her and his sister. They agreed that I could move in, as long as we had a plan. Things were fine.. I was a guest in the home and I acted like it. 

Less than a year later, my boyfriend bought his first home. The four of us moved in (mom, bf, bf's mom, bf's sister). Almost a week later, my MIL went back to South America. So the 3 of us lived there for almost five months until she came back. My sister-in-law is a little lazy, and doesn't do anything around the house. This is fine with me as I like to be the woman of the house. I did all the organizing, cleaning, etc and my boyfriend helped. When my MIL came back, this is when I realized we are NOT good living together. She also likes to be in control. She hated the way I did things, but never said so. She is very sweet and we do get along well, but in a passive-agressive way she will show you that she doesn't like what you do. She changed everything I do (including little things like moving dishes around, getting mad that I use kitchen trash bags for the garbage and not grocery bags, etc etc.). And I feel so useless living with her. She wants to do all the cooking and maintain the garden and everything around the home because she is retired and has nothing else to do.. but I want to maintain my home!

I just realized that in order for our relationship to be good, we need to not live together. Not to mention I never had privacy with my boyfriend, and she went everywhere with us (grocery store, etc. etc.). I just knew it was time for my boyfriend and I to move on and be on our own. It's a difficult situation though, considering she doesn't speak much English, is older, and is single. Her kids are what she has here, and I respect that, but I also know that there comes a time when she needs to let her son go and live on his own.

Anyway, we lived in his home for about a year until I decided I would try to buy my first home. Within three days I found a house to put an offer on, and it worked out! We decided to rent out his home, because his mom was going back to South America, and his sister was moving in with her new boyfriend. I talked to my boyfriend about how I wanted to live alone in our new home, and he agreed that he wanted that, too. I knew that the situation with his mom was sensitive, and he said that he understood and she would not live with us.

Now we've been living in my home since October of 2012. His mom is coming this week and yep... will be living with us. When he told me she was coming, I knew we had to have this conversation again, and I was nervous because he gets very sensitive about his mom. Her townhome has a yearly rental contract that is not up, and his mom has renters in it until the fall. Basically, his mom has nowhere to go and I understand that they don't want her to go find an apartment as she'll only be here five months (the 6th month will be with relatives in NY). 

Regardless, I feel like this is going to go on forever. Every year will be the same, "Well... we don't have a place for my mom and I feel bad." I told him this. He says that when the rental is up this fall in his home, she will live there. But I fear that he hasn't discussed this with her. He says she understands and knows, but I wonder if she's just saying that and then when the time comes that won't happen.

Anyway... things may be different this time around because it's MY home, and maybe she won't redo things or take control, but we'll see.. if you read all this, thanks for that! I really just wanted to vent, so if no one did that's OK too. Any advice would be awesome... I'm trying to figure out how to keep a good relationship with her without getting annoyed... and how to proceed in the future about the living arrangements.

/whew!


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

sharastarr said:


> he said that he understood and she would not live with us.


Empty promise without a specific plan for where she will live and her acknowledgement of same. 




> He says she understands and knows, but I wonder if she's just saying that and then when the time comes that won't happen.


Hence the importance of having her acknowledge this to YOU. 



> I'm trying to figure out how to keep a good relationship with her without getting annoyed... and how to proceed in the future about the living arrangements


It's odd that you do not know whether he has discussed this with her or not. That's a simple question to ask him. But I have a hunch.

When you are being manipulated, you have this sense of dread in bringing subjects up, and even when you do they seem to end before you have everything worked out. You've gotten through the moment thinking that there has been some kind of resolution when in fact the problem is still there. 

That isn't an accident. That is someone who has made sure you don't bring things up, and is good at evasion once you do. Technically this is your home. She is a guest only with your permission, so being informed by someone else that a guest is staying in your own home is out of line.

I understand the tactic. It's called the doube-bind. You (husband) conceal the fact the mother in law has been told she can live in your home until the last second, so the wife denying her appears to be kicking her out on the street. But if you agree, you have been taken advantage of when this is your house. You lose either way.

You are the only one who can prevent this from happening. You have to tell them this is your house and if your rules are not respected then they can't stay there. Otherwise, get used to it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Wow, huge issue totally complicated by the differing cultural expectations!

You're going to have to understand exactly what DHE expects. You seek to understand first, before you seek to be understood. Find out if she expects to the the woman of the house and what exactly that looks like? Does she decide where things go, how things get sorted, how the home should look...? Once you nicer stand what she expects, you can then work on getting her understanding on what boundaries you expect.

You begin all this by asking her, what it's like in her country for the sons wife/GF? Is the mother supposed to... Is the GF supposed to...

Also, because this is YOUR home, she is living with you. When it was her sons home, you were living with her son, which meant she was the Momma and you were the guest. So I think you will be less likely to run into territory issues.

You could also arrange to have your mother come to visit, for the secret purpose of making a point of showing how to respect the space and choices of your adult off spring.

I just moved my daughter and her GF into their apartment and due to a bad back, I unpacked the kitchen while they moved stuff. Knowing the whole time that making these kinds of decisions, about where to put stuff... YIKES! My daughters GF was actually delighted with what I did but admitted she would be moving one or two things around to the way she's used to having stuff. We get along quite well and I feel very lucky about that.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The other option is for her to get a short term rental when she's up here. Visiting is one thing, but 5 months? Ugh! I can't imagine living with my own parents for that long again!

The MIL suite is a good idea as well.

C


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## Penny_Lane (Nov 2, 2012)

To me this is all about communication. And also understanding. On everyone's part.

I feel, as the woman of MY home, that I have control over how it goes down. And I mean insofar as communicating correctly how things will be, and I don't mean being a b**ch, I mean being a kind, in control, understanding woman.
If you have your partner's mother coming - first, she deserves respect. The only thing you'll accomplish by being closed mouthed and resentful is damage to your relationship. (not that you are by any means)
Second - you deserve respect too. You have to earn this - by dealing with the situation fairly and openly.

Third - You're a woman. You understand other women, right? You have the ability to give her some of what she needs to feel as if her life is her own for 5 months, don't you?
Work out a plan to cook dinner 5 nights and she can cook 2 nights. Let her help you weed the garden. Ask her advise once in awhile. How much do women like being asked their advise?

Since when (?) was it thought that you didn't have the ability to work this out? Take the bull by the horns - make it work, for everyone. You're a woman - we can do ANYTHING.

I think if you go into this thinking you'll handle it beautifully instead of dreading it, it may actually be ok.
Remember- YOU are in control and YOU are fair and kind.
This too shall pass - so make it pass easily.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your boyfriend has been in this situation consistently since you met him. This is who he is. This is how his family is. Either that's an arrangement you can live with or it isn't. It doesn't really sound like he's going to kick his mom out to please you. 
Having a hard-working extra set of hands and maybe potential future babysitter free-of-charge aint a bad deal, entirely. Being hooked up with a guy so incredibly devoted to his family aint a bad deal, either. If your house permits, you might consider a little renovation, making her a small apartment, so you've still got some privacy. 
You might consider using the extra free time to take a college course, pick up an extra job, or a hobby. No need in two women fighting over trashbags in the same kitchen. Life is too short for that petty drama. You could take this pile of lemons and make lemonade pretty easily. Use the free time to do something fun or profitable for you and you might find yourself looking forward to her visits. If you don't speak Spanish, you might learn. If she's going to be there whether you like it or not, you might as well make friends with her. 
Usually, I'd be suggesting compromises but this is very deep generational, cultural stuff and it apparently involves deeply held values your boyfriend has. You'd be basically asking him to completely change how he sees the world and his role in it. Even if he did accomodate you, he'd be resenting it the whole time.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

:iagree:Excellent! :iagree:


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