# Closure when the cheater leaves?



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Hi everyone

I find myself writing this after 18 months of no contact. Like so many other BSs, I was blindsided by my ex's EA. 

My ex and I weren't married. We lived together in a committed relationship for 4 years. He told me about his EA and that he wanted to be 'free' (I'm paraphrasing)to pursue a relationship with 'her'. 

Right after he told me, we didn't really talk about the reasons WHY he did this. There didn't seem to be much point, since he had decided to end our relationship. Like most, he never expressed ANY unhappiness with me or the relationship. In fact, I was privy to one of the first conversations he had with his AP, where he told her, "I have a pretty good thing with Vega". That doesn't sound like he's "unhappy" to ME. Of course he began re-writing history shortly after that, but again, I never really heard many details. He only said at one point was that he was "in denial" (about having a 'pretty good thing' with me). He seemed more angry than anything else.

I have so many unanswered questions that I keep rolling around in my head. I understand that I'll probably never know HIS 'reasons'. He told me that I wasn't abusive and that the EA "just happened" (Yes, I challenged him on this, but he quickly shut me down). 

When I read stories here on CWI I sometimes become envious of the BS. It seems like they get SOME kind of answers, even as ridiculous as they sound. But I really haven't gotten any. 

I'm starting to seek some kind of closure. Yet I'm not sure how to get it without knowing the answers to some of my MULTITUDE of questions. Since my ex has been out of the picture for over a year, I would have no reason to contact him. Besides, he's the kind of person who would accuse me of "stalking" him, if I even TRIED to contact him, even though we never said anything about NOT contacting each other anymore. 

So, how do you do it? How do you get closure from a cheater, if the cheater is no longer in the picture, and you know that your questions will never be answered? 

Vega


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How I got closure was to accept he would never tell me the truth about what happened. And I realized there was no point in torturing myself about it. There would never be any answers. Once I accepted that I was able to move on. 

So tell yourself as often as you need to that you will never know and it's okay to let it go.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Openminded said:


> How I got closure was to accept he would never tell me the truth about what happened. And I realized there was no point in torturing myself about it. There would never be any answers. Once I accepted that I was able to move on.
> 
> So tell yourself as often as you need to that you will never know and it's okay to let it go.


Thanks Openminded. I have a lot of free time these days (until I find bonafide work), so I DO tend to torture myself. Maybe it's time to start creating a few affirmations for myself, no?

Vega


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Not much you can do except move on and live the best life you can that makes him regret his mistake. By doing this it makes you look good to someone else better. You will remember the details the rest of your life, accept it as a life lesson and move on. You will be fine
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Since no betrayed ever gets the 100% truth, I would say it is enough he is gone. He betrayed your trust and faith and now is off to betray someone else. I would hope you would be so happy to be rid of him that the rest is just curiosity. Curiosity about something no one ever really knows fully.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

The closure I got was when I made the decision to move on with my life. She was not willing to provide any truthful answers anyway so what came out of her mouth was not helpful in the least. 

The chapter in your life that you describe is closed. You just need to accept it and move on to a new chapter in your life. You can do it. You will be happy again and this time without an unreomorseful wayward in your life. 

Good luck
WD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

It took me years to give myself closure for being the betrayer.I needed closure to answer the question why I would cheat on a perfect wife.

Maybe thats the issues for everybody both WS/BS need the answers to get/give closure


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Vega, all I can say is I feel for you. Until my wife came clean with everything I really did not know how I would come to grips with this question. It is like a pebble in a shoe. 

Remove the shoe, turn it upside down, shake it out, and watch the pebble fall to the ground.

You more than likely will never get the answers you want.

I tell many of my clients not to let these things rent space in your mind. Move on. 

He did not care about you nor show you respect. You did not deserve to be treated this way. Know that you are a good person who deserves more then to haunted by questions that will never be answered.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Depends on what you mean by closure. You will never get what you want. Even if you get all the answers in the world from the WS, and they are completely open(if they even capable of it). The answers you get, will be from their perspective. At that time. 18 months later you may very well get something different. YOU! are the one that must decide what kind of closure you need to move on. For me, it was much much easier said than done. Closure, for me, is divorce. I tried R. For myself, and for my sons. It didnt work. Seven years later, more lies, and affairs. A serial cheater she is, and forever. I just could not understand, that even though I was in good physical shape, I was going down hill during that time. It was seriously affecting my health. The answer was, I was quite literally dying inside. The life was draining from me by her continued infidelities. 

He obviously didn't deserve you. In any way. You are continuing to hurt yourself by constantly asking questions, you will absolutely never ever get answers for. Just KNOW that your WS does not ask himself the same things. He probably doesn't think of you at all. Stop killing yourself over it. Be good to yourself!


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I hate to say this but I think it is true. If you sat down with your wayward and they said I want to give you closure and this is exactly what happened and laid it out, would you actually believe what they were saying? Don't you think they would either say what they wanted to say or what you they thought you wanted to hear? Do you think it would be the unvarnished truth?

I never got that. Some people might but I realized I never will get the truth and if I did I would never really know if it were the truth after being lied to for so long.

If you want closure this is what you need to do. Remember that this person didn't give a damn about you. This person hurt you deeply and put a scar on you that may never fully heal. So realize that this person is one person that you don't need in your life. 

There are plenty of people worth being around. There are plenty of things worth doing. Go out and find those things and don't worry about closure. You will never really get it and if you did would you even believe it?

My closure is, my kids love me and I spend great quality time with them. My EX can do whatever she wants with her new guy. Life gets better. Go out and go find a hobby, try new things and enjoy what is out there. That is closure. Forget about someone who doesn't give a damn about you or was too selfish to realize the pain they caused.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Vega,

I've never had to experience my spouse just leaving me cold turkey for another, I got the cake eating variety of cheater - who would have left, if the POSOM hadn't dumped her due to the exposure.

But either way, it's a blow to one's self esteem. I would speculate that the best way to get past it is to find someone else to replace him (if you haven't). But even if you haven't yet, I think that if you can get to the point where you can see it as him "doing you a favor", you'll be closer to getting that closure.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

My ex wife plotted against me for a year before leaving. She siphoned money from our bank account into a secret one she made when she decided to leave me. She lied to me about all kinds of things and even told me she loved me the night before she left. 

I never saw her again. I never got to sit down and talk to her about her choices, her cheating, anything. I literally had no idea that Sunday morning as I kissed her goodbye that anything was wrong. 

You'd better make your own closure, sweetie. Because you're not going to get anything good from your wayward.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Vega said:


> So, how do you do it? How do you get closure from a cheater, if the cheater is no longer in the picture, and you know that your questions will never be answered?
> 
> Vega


Vega,

Dwelling on this is very unproductive for you. You could be out there building a relationship with someone else instead of dwelling on the past. 

I had a similar experience where I never really got answers from a girlfriend who broke-up with me with no warning, etc. I had the same feeling of bewilderment and confusion .. trust me when I say that dwelling on those feelings is a useless waste of your time.

I realize you may have posted this looking for empathy, but instead I am offering you some advice ... Just let it go.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I've been burned three times in my life. The one that hurt the most happened in 1968-69. Long story but the point is that finally after 40 years I got an email from the girl that did it. I asked questions and after hearing them, I still wasn't satisfied. I never will be and it took four decades to stop beating my head against the wall because there would have been no answer good enough for what she did. All it does is give you worry lines and a cold spot in your heart and it's not worth it. Put it behind you and get on with your life or you'll wind up with an ulcer the size of your fist in your stomach.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

The closure you get is the relief that this sort of person is no longer in your life and you no longer need to care about him. 

No matter how fully a cheater explains their actions, there is no closure because there is an element of wtf no matter what they say. Their explanations, excuses, rationalizations, justifications, apologies, are never enough for you to say, "oooohhhhh, now I understand! it all makes perfect sense why you cheated instead of being honest!" 

Nothing they can possibly say ever amounts to the closure you're looking for. People who cheat have something within them that is broken. Whether it is a moral compass, ethics, honor, integrity, conflict resolution skills, kindness - something within them isn't working properly and their thinking and decision making is messed up. Other people in the exact same circumstances as your ex would not have made the choice to cheat, but your ex did. That's because he is selfish and broken in some way and cannot deal with real relationship issues in a healthy or honest way.

The only closure any betrayed person gets is the kind that comes from within, and it comes from either forgiveness (with much work on the cheater's part to earn it) or slamming the door behind your cheater and never looking back.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

The last sentence of your post sums it up for all of us: "you know that your questions will never be answered". Even for those of us who's WS is still nearby, those of us with children who unfortunately have to deal with them, those of us who's WS still occasionally send us cryptic texts and who call us when they're drunk... The answers will never come. 

They are BROKEN. They could have left us, divorced us and then dated. They could have told us they were dissatisfied and wanted to do something about it. But they decided to cheat and rip out our hearts and crush them, they put us out on the side of the road like garbage.

We will never understand. Maybe they don't either. They're empty and thought that an affair would fill them, but it won't, nothing ever will. There's your answer, they are empty, lost people. Be glad you're not one of them.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Thank you all for your responses. :smthumbup:

Believe it or not, I DO know that I should "move on". But I feel *stuck*. 

When he confessed, I didn't only lose a boyfriend; _*I*_ had to move since it was _his_ house. I worked for him, so that day I also lost my job. I had been using his car so I also lost the use of a car. I ended up borrowing money and renting a room for several months so I could keep my 19 year old daughter in school. I was able to buy a car, but my daughter totalled it only 8 days after I got it, which meant I had to buy another car with the money I borrowed. 

Luckily, once my daughter graduated, she had a job and she decided to stay with some friends. I ended up moving 1800 miles away to care for my disabled mother (my d19 didn't want to come with me and move so far away from her friends or leave her job). 

That was a little over a year ago. I haven't had much luck looking for work. I now live in a state that has one of the highest rates of unemployment in the nation, and the kind of work I was doing for my ex was "state specific", so I've basically been looking for _anything_. I'm also over 50, without a college degree, and I'm competing with the 20-something college grads. 

My life hasn't really gotten much better since I left. I have a lot of 'free time' on my hands, even though I'm looking for work every day. 

I know what I _want_ to do and what I _have_ to do, but I just can't seem to stay focused. I know that finding a job will really help, but it's just not that easy. I will start a project, and before I know it, I see something or hear something that reminds me of him or her. There's even a t.v. show that has BOTH of their name in it! So even breezing through the cable guide, I'm reminded of this crap all over again...

Vega


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