# How late do you sleep if you have kids?



## adbad16 (Apr 5, 2020)

JW - as I cook breakfast and tend to our three young children, what do your mornings look like for those with young kids? Do you sleep in? Does your spouse? Do you take turns? Are you both up?
I don’t really need to sleep in. I go to bed at a decent time and just can’t sleep in. I feel I have too much to do. So switching days or giving me time to sleep isn’t the answer. But I’m annoyed right now bc DH is still sleeping. As I said, I’m cooking, cleaning, breaking up fights between the kids. 
He does this every weekend. We both work full time. I do most of the house work and tending to the children. He does most of the yard work.
I’ve talked to him about it and he’s says why should I wake up, we’re not doing anything? Well, there are things to be done (he doesn’t think it has to be done right then).
And I’d also like someone to talk to as I cook breakfast, watch tv, and just partner the kids together. But maybe I’m having unrealistic expectations so I’m JW what your mornings look like.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

My EX would actually scream at the kids if they woke her up so they could spend time with her. I gave up trying to wake her up. Even on Christmas morning, she wouldn't get up so the kids wouldn't be able to enjoy their presents till after lunch. It would always be the kids and I alone in the mornings, which strengthened our bond. They know Daddy will always get up with them.


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## adbad16 (Apr 5, 2020)

Numb26 said:


> My EX would actually scream at the kids if they woke her up so they could spend time with her. I gave up trying to wake her up. Even on Christmas morning, she wouldn't get up so the kids wouldn't be able to enjoy their presents till after lunch. It would always be the kids and I alone in the mornings, which strengthened our bond. They know Daddy will always get up with them.


yeah, this is me! Up alone on Easter morning helping them with their baskets. And same on Christmas. I wish he were more interested.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

He will pay the price later, like my Ex is now, when it comes to how close the kids want to be with him.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I wonder if this is just morning people, go-getters, planners, do-ers versus non morning people, people who like to relax and enjoy, people who don’t stress about things not people perfect. 

I notice those two types of people, it’s their personality. It could be deeper, or it could just be who they are fundamentally.


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## adbad16 (Apr 5, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> I wonder if this is just morning people, go-getters, planners, do-ers versus non morning people, people who like to relax and enjoy, people who don’t stress about things not people perfect.
> 
> I notice those two types of people, it’s their personality. It could be deeper, or it could just be who they are fundamentally.


I wonder that too. That’s why I am posting to see if maybe there is a good person out there who does or did this and can explain!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Has your husband always been like this before kids? 

I notice some men are... it’s hard to explain, but they are passive and kind of wait to be told what to do. My brother is like this. And because she kind of always takes care of things, he can rest knowing that things “always work out”. Whereas his wife is stressing and planning and doing everything because if she doesn’t do them, or prioritize them to her husband they don’t get done. 

I personally think it’s strange to continually sleep in while your spouse is up with the kids. I understand the rare circumstance of working late, or having a bad night for whatever reason. 
I think that when things like this happen, resentment will build up for you, and he will take you for granted. 
In the ideal relationship, both parents are up and starting their day, and helping each other, seeing how their both your kids, and Its both your house and responsibility. Then If one is sick, or doesn’t feel well you can rest knowing things are taken care of. To me, that’s what a equal partnership looks like.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> I wonder if this is just morning people, go-getters, planners, do-ers versus non morning people, people who like to relax and enjoy, people who don’t stress about things not people perfect.
> 
> I notice those two types of people, it’s their personality. It could be deeper, or it could just be who they are fundamentally.



Not getting up with your children on Christmas morning, Easter morning, etc. which are important days to children has nothing to do with relaxing and enjoying things. Its laziness and selfishness.


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## adbad16 (Apr 5, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Has your husband always been like this before kids?
> 
> I notice some men are... it’s hard to explain, but they are passive and kind of wait to be told what to do. My brother is like this. And because she kind of always takes care of things, he can rest knowing that things “always work out”. Whereas his wife is stressing and planning and doing everything because if she doesn’t do them, or prioritize them to her husband they don’t get done.
> 
> ...


this is what I imagine things are like.
It does make me resentful.
I’m not tired, but I could use help or even just the conversation.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

adbad16 said:


> What do your mornings look like for those with young kids? Do you sleep in? Does your spouse? Do you take turns? Are you both up?


My wife always gets up with the kids and does all of the morning stuff. For us, it has almost always been that way. We had a period of time when I was the one doing all of the childcare out of necessity (my wife was hospitalized longterm). It was a challenge because when things suddenly became 100% my responsibility, I had no clue what I was doing. My oldest child had to tell me what the routines were, how to do certain things, what to make so my youngest would eat, etc. Once my wife was home things went back to our normal of my wife doing that stuff. We don't take turns getting up or do it together. I either sleep in or I get up as well but go do my own thing or go work (from home). I stay up late, always have and unrelated to that, I need time to wake up before I can do anything else.

I slept through my kid's opening their Easter baskets, it's not a big deal to me, but my wife woke me up for their egg hunt.


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## adbad16 (Apr 5, 2020)

bobert said:


> My wife always gets up with the kids and does all of the morning stuff. For us, it has almost always been that way. We had a period of time when I was the one doing all of the childcare out of necessity (my wife was hospitalized longterm). It was a challenge because when things suddenly became 100% my responsibility, I had no clue what I was doing. My oldest child had to tell me what the routines were, how to do certain things, what to make so my youngest would eat, etc. Once my wife was home things went back to our normal of my wife doing that stuff. We don't take turns getting up or do it together. I either sleep in or I get up as well but go do my own thing or go work (from home). I stay up late, always have and unrelated to that, I need time to wake up before I can do anything else.
> 
> I slept through my kid's opening their Easter baskets, it's not a big deal to me, but my wife woke me up for their egg hunt.


does she not ever complain about this to you?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

adbad16 said:


> does she not ever complain about this to you?


She does complain about it sometimes, not often anymore.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

adbad16 said:


> JW - as I cook breakfast and tend to our three young children, what do your mornings look like for those with young kids? Do you sleep in? Does your spouse? Do you take turns? Are you both up?
> I don’t really need to sleep in. I go to bed at a decent time and just can’t sleep in. I feel I have too much to do. So switching days or giving me time to sleep isn’t the answer. But I’m annoyed right now bc DH is still sleeping. As I said, I’m cooking, cleaning, breaking up fights between the kids.
> He does this every weekend. We both work full time. I do most of the house work and tending to the children. He does most of the yard work.
> I’ve talked to him about it and he’s says why should I wake up, we’re not doing anything? Well, there are things to be done (he doesn’t think it has to be done right then).
> And I’d also like someone to talk to as I cook breakfast, watch tv, and just partner the kids together. But maybe I’m having unrealistic expectations so I’m JW what your mornings look like.


Yeah I"d be annoyed too. But that's not what it looks like at our house. We have always done things together. Us against the rest (including the kid). Sometimes I would sleep in as I need more sleep than him. But mostly we both get up and do what needs to be doing.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

bobert said:


> She does complain about it sometimes, not often anymore.


That doesn’t sound good.


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## jimmyrich (Apr 10, 2020)

I'm seeing two very serious things here. I came from a broken home so I understand how parents can often NOT be friends or caring partners such as you describe there. The first and most serious issue is that your parental dischord is going to seriously DAMAGE your dependent children even if neither of you can or will see that. There is nothing as destructive to a child than unhappy, conflicted parents and your kids can see all of this even if they don't understand it right now. You OWE your children the best and healthiest upbringing you can give them since they depend on you for nearly everything for several years. Look at this thru you kid's eyes and it will be glaringly obvious what needs to be done in your home. The second serious thing here is the very bad communications between you and your husband so you might consider counseling to learn how to communicate better with each other. Generally, good communications begin with FRIENDSHIP. When your kids see that mom & dad are finally good friends, they will be ever so happy and relaxed. Since you seem to be pulling most of the load, I'd look up a good marriage counselor. Maybe on line? FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CHILDREN, good luck.


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## adbad16 (Apr 5, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> That doesn’t sound good.


It’s ex


jimmyrich said:


> I'm seeing two very serious things here. I came from a broken home so I understand how parents can often NOT be friends or caring partners such as you describe there. The first and most serious issue is that your parental dischord is going to seriously DAMAGE your dependent children even if neither of you can or will see that. There is nothing as destructive to a child than unhappy, conflicted parents and your kids can see all of this even if they don't understand it right now. You OWE your children the best and healthiest upbringing you can give them since they depend on you for nearly everything for several years. Look at this thru you kid's eyes and it will be glaringly obvious what needs to be done in your home. The second serious thing here is the very bad communications between you and your husband so you might consider counseling to learn how to communicate better with each other. Generally, good communications begin with FRIENDSHIP. When your kids see that mom & dad are finally good friends, they will be ever so happy and relaxed. Since you seem to be pulling most of the load, I'd look up a good marriage counselor. Maybe on line? FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CHILDREN, good luck.


Agreed. But, I don’t think he is going to change anything. I have been asking him for years to wake up earlier. That I think it’s Important to watch the kids open their Christmas presents or easter baskets. And to spend time with each other. I’ve told him it makes me resentful. I can’t make him think it’s important though.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Who works outside the home? 

Not that it's a determining factor but it's a component, that's a reality.

When the kids were old enough to make their own cereal, they were properly taught to not knock on mom and dad's door until xx am, pick a time, unless an emergency. 

Even younger, say 5 yes old or a bit younger even, they were taught to play quietly in their own rooms until xx am, if mommy and daddy weren't up yet.

At infant and toddler, primarily mom got up, because dad worked late, or I'd not, it was a daily call, not a huge deal with our family.

It never turned into a arguement for us.

Granted, DW was a sahm for first six years, and I traveled a lot for business, but neither DW or I were sleep late person characteristically. 

When kids were older, generally I got up first and DW sleeps later when can, she's that way still.

In weekends I'm up first 95% of the time. Generally I bring her coffee at about 8, so I can have a poke .

We never played the game that "the kids run the house" that would've been a cold day in hell.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I'm not a morning person. My husband and my son are early birds.

I taught my son at a very early age how to help himself to food and drinks. I used to fill his cup with OJ and leave it ready in the fridge so he could get it in the morning. He used to love bread so I used to pack some bread in a little Ziploc bag for his early morning snack. I also used to leave a TV show ready for him to watch. 

Even though I'm not a morning person, I have to wake up to send my kids to school every day.

I've never missed Christmas morning or Easter because I'm not a morning person though. I love seeing their faces opening presents. Now that they are older they know they have to wait for mom and dad to open presents. 

I sleep in during weekends and holidays. My kids now how to help themselves if they are hungry. 

How old are your kids?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

adbad16 said:


> But, I don’t think he is going to change anything. I have been asking him for years to wake up earlier. That I think it’s Important to watch the kids open their Christmas presents or easter baskets. And to spend time with each other. I’ve told him it makes me resentful. I can’t make him think it’s important though.


Have you asked him, and not in an accusatory tone, _why_ he doesn't get up early with the kids? Why he doesn't like this watch the kids open their gifts or baskets? (Honestly, it's boring)

You need to get a real answer from him, and there is a real answer. When you talk about it, you need to be calm and curious. You cannot start a fight or try to change his mind. If you do that you are teaching him not to be open with you. The first step is to just listen, accept the way he feels, and discuss it later when you can do it calmly.

My wife wants things done in a particular way and if I didn't do it her way she'd get a little *****y or say I wasn't doing it right. So why bother? My version of getting up with the kids is feeding them cereal and turning on the TV. Done. She has a very different routine and wants things done her way. So she can do them. She's not a control freak but it was enough that it wasn't encouraging for me to do things.

She does it better and I perceive it as being easier for her.

I need time to wake up, she doesn't (at least that's how it looked to me).

I stay up really late (2-4AM) and my wife typically does not. Even if she does that doesn't change things. I used to stay up that late for work, now it's for leisure.

I like sleep.

I'm a selfish person.

A boatload of resentment didn't help. My firstborn, I was too young and immature. My second, wasn't biologically mine and I wanted nothing to do with her. My third, had a lot of health challenges and was on monitors, oxygen and a feeding tube. My wife is a nurse so that was her job. Old habits die hard.

Growing up, my mom did absolutely everything for us kids and my dad did nothing. Monkey see, monkey do.

I have reasons for what I do, you have reasons for the things you do, and your husband has reasons to. Knowing them might make it easier to work with, fix, or deal with.


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## adbad16 (Apr 5, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Who works outside the home?
> 
> Not that it's a determining factor but it's a component, that's a reality.
> 
> ...


We both work full time.


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## adbad16 (Apr 5, 2020)

pastasauce79 said:


> I'm not a morning person. My husband and my son are early birds.
> 
> I taught my son at a very early age how to help himself to food and drinks. I used to fill his cup with OJ and leave it ready in the fridge so he could get it in the morning. He used to love bread so I used to pack some bread in a little Ziploc bag for his early morning snack. I also used to leave a TV show ready for him to watch.
> 
> ...


our oldest can get up and get himself breakfast, but the younger two are 2 & 3 years old.


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## adbad16 (Apr 5, 2020)

bobert said:


> Have you asked him, and not in an accusatory tone, _why_ he doesn't get up early with the kids? Why he doesn't like this watch the kids open their gifts or baskets? (Honestly, it's boring)
> 
> You need to get a real answer from him, and there is a real answer. When you talk about it, you need to be calm and curious. You cannot start a fight or try to change his mind. If you do that you are teaching him not to be open with you. The first step is to just listen, accept the way he feels, and discuss it later when you can do it calmly.
> 
> ...


I mean, it makes sense. His dad did nothing growing up. His mom did everything. In my house, my mom left us. My dad did everything. So I think you can see why I think dads should be involved. And maybe why he sees dads are laid back and moms do everything. But idk if I can just rest with this. I want him to be involved.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

adbad16 said:


> I mean, it makes sense. His dad did nothing growing up. His mom did everything. In my house, my mom left us. My dad did everything. So I think you can see why I think dads should be involved. And maybe why he sees dads are laid back and moms do everything. But idk if I can just rest with this. I want him to be involved.


Does your husband know that? Have you had real, open, emotional conversations about why you need him to be more involved? Not just telling him to do it or saying you "just need it", but really getting into the reasons why, what it means to you, why it hurts, and what it's doing to your marriage? 

If your communication is lacking, on either side, I would suggest seeing a marriage counselor. They can help get this issue out in the air and communicated properly. They can help both of you understand the other side and resolve it if you are both willing. He might not like that idea at first but stay firm on it. If it's presented like an option of course he won't take it. It being that serious should be a wake up call for your husband.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

So if both work full time, kind of equal.

Now, responsibilities are evenly shared in a M, but shared doesn't mean everyone does the same things to meet the family's needs, there's equal but different strengths and preferences. 

Truly, not to be a hard butt, however if a person never wanted to get up any at all with kids in a good spirit / good mood they shouldn't have had kids.

Not to say it's always pleasant and not a chore sometimes but one has to decide either do or do not. There is no try.

Fighting over who gets to sleep late until 9 or so is ridiculous. If one wants to sleep more, go back to sleep, trade off perhaps but if you want to sleep more than 8 hrs then that's ok now and then.

But if one wants to lounge in a bed all day that's a ridiculous expectation with a family. 

Planned days ok, but as a rule, not.

You'll have more time later in life to lounge or be productive. It is a choice, granted.

It will work out. Be realistic.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I am sorry, but what's wrong with sleeping in on weekends?

Not everybody is early bird. I do not want to get up to eat breakfast, I'd rather catch up on my sleep and get my energy back. I can have lunch together. You want him to be on your schedule. You both need to compromise - you let him sleep in some, since by your own words, you don't have to. Him - agreeing to some decent time when he gets up.
Why don't you just enjoy the morning time by yourself? Relax, read the book, stay in pijama.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

adbad16 said:


> our oldest can get up and get himself breakfast, but the younger two are 2 & 3 years old.


My kids are 26 months apart.

I was sleep deprived when my second child was an infant. I think that's when I taught my son to get his snack before I got up. 

I had to figure something out because I was exhausted and my husband wasn't home in the mornings.

You can pack sandwich bags of morning snacks, for example dry cereal, cheese and crackers, lunch meat, hard boiled eggs, fruit. You can ask them the night before what they would like to have before mom wakes up and leave the bags within their reach. pour juice or milk in their cups or sippy cups. Ask your older child to help them getting their snack and also ask him/her to break up their fights. Offer your child a reward or about $5.00 for helping out.

My kids are 9 and 11 now and they know mom is not a morning person. My daughter is not a morning person either. During weekends they help themselves to whatever breakfast food they can manage to fix if I'm not awake. 

You can also ask your husband to help out every other weekend. My husband was up with my son during his days off. I didn't have a problem with this. 

Good luck to you!!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> I am sorry, but what's wrong with sleeping in on weekends?
> 
> Not everybody is early bird. I do not want to get up to eat breakfast, I'd rather catch up on my sleep and get my energy back. I can have lunch together. You want him to be on your schedule. You both need to compromise - you let him sleep in some, since by your own words, you don't have to. Him - agreeing to some decent time when he gets up.
> Why don't you just enjoy the morning time by yourself? Relax, read the book, stay in pijama.


I disagree with this. She doesn’t want him on HER schedule. The kids dictate the schedule, and kids usually wake up early and they are ready to go. So someone has to step up and wake up with the kids and take care of them. It’s not fair for it to always be one person.


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## adbad16 (Apr 5, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> I am sorry, but what's wrong with sleeping in on weekends?
> 
> Not everybody is early bird. I do not want to get up to eat breakfast, I'd rather catch up on my sleep and get my energy back. I can have lunch together. You want him to be on your schedule. You both need to compromise - you let him sleep in some, since by your own words, you don't have to. Him - agreeing to some decent time when he gets up.
> Why don't you just enjoy the morning time by yourself? Relax, read the book, stay in pijama.


exactly. It’s not my schedule. It’s my kids schedule. I can’t get up and read a book and relax. I have kids and a house to take care of.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> I disagree with this. She doesn’t want him on HER schedule. The kids dictate the schedule, and kids usually wake up early and they are ready to go. So someone has to step up and wake up with the kids and take care of them. It’s not fair for it to always be one person.


I agree with your point, but that's not what she said. She said she does not need to sleep and does not see a point in sleeping longer. That's a different issue. She said she would like to eat breakfast together and watch tv...


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

adbad16 said:


> exactly. It’s not my schedule. It’s my kids schedule. I can’t get up and read a book and relax. I have kids and a house to take care of.


Your original post was that you do not need to sleep in and could not understand why he does. That you would like to eat breakfast together and watch tv together.

This is different issue. In that case we are talking about division of responsiblities in the house that you are not happy about, not about sleeping. This would be a different converstaion to have iwth your husband. If you just complain that he sleeps too long, he will say why not? But if your conversation is that you wish you had more help and support on weekend morning with him, he could not use that answer.


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## adbad16 (Apr 5, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> Your original post was that you do not need to sleep in and could not understand why he does. That you would like to eat breakfast together and watch tv together.
> 
> This is different issue. In that case we are talking about division of responsiblities in the house that you are not happy about, not about sleeping. This would be a different converstaion to have iwth your husband. If you just complain that he sleeps too long, he will say why not? But if your conversation is that you wish you had more help and support on weekend morning with him, he could not use that answer.


Him just being up is support to me. If he were up, he could help break up a fight between the toddlers so I could continue folding laundry instead of having to stop. Or could help get breakfast cleaned up. I don’t mind doing it, because that’s just who I am, but I wish I had a partner who wanted to do these things with me. 
I want him to want to.
I know some of the advice here has been to tell him how I feel or to make him. That’s not my thing. I don’t want him up if he’s going to be unhappy. But it’s irritating.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

adbad16 said:


> I want him to want to.
> I know some of the advice here has been to tell him how I feel or to make him. That’s not my thing. I don’t want him up if he’s going to be unhappy. But it’s irritating.


If it is not your thing, than make it your thing. 

Communication is a key in relationship. it would be great if it crossed his mind that you are all alone with two small kids while he is sleeping soundly. But because it did not, need to have that conversation, or you will become passive-aggressive wife. You are testing him and he is not even aware of it. Period when kids are small is the most testing in the marriage, that's when all the division of labor becomes tricky, and everybody is tired all the time , adn if you do not deal with it now, you will check out emotionallyf from this marriage, and he will have to idea why.


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## adbad16 (Apr 5, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> If it is not your thing, than make it your thing.
> 
> Communication is a key in relationship. it would be great if it crossed his mind that you are all alone with two small kids while he is sleeping soundly. But because it did not, need to have that conversation, or you will become passive-aggressive wife. You are testing him and he is not even aware of it. Period when kids are small is the most testing in the marriage, that's when all the division of labor becomes tricky, and everybody is tired all the time , adn if you do not deal with it now, you will check out emotionallyf from this marriage, and he will have to idea why.


I understand what you are saying.

but this is where I get confused. How in the world does that not cross someone’s mind? I find that so selfish!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

adbad16 said:


> I know some of the advice here has been to tell him how I feel or to make him. That’s not my thing. I don’t want him up if he’s going to be unhappy. But it’s irritating.





adbad16 said:


> I understand what you are saying.
> 
> but this is where I get confused. How in the world does that not cross someone’s mind? I find that so selfish!


How is your husband supposed to know how you feel if you don't tell him? He's not a mind reader! If you want to have a good marriage and fix these issues you have to learn how to communicate. Everyone needs proper communication, it shouldn't be "not your thing". In that case, a good marriage isn't your thing either.

Something you have to understand is that not everyone thinks the same and has the same ideas, not even your spouse. You are partners, not clones. Your husband is his own person with his own thoughts, opinions and desires. You have to learn to work together, not expect him to do and think exactly as you do.

Telling your husband how you feel isn't forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do. It's giving him all the information so he can make his own choice. Why would he change right now when, as far as he knows, the current arrangement is working?

Plus, men can be kind of stupid and oblivious. Talk to him.

Maybe he should be able to figure it out on his own, but clearly he hasn't. So, what's the better option? 

A) Talking to your husband, or

B) Sitting silent, letting resentment build up and having nothing change? 

One leads to a better, happier marriage. The other leads to being miserable and/or divorce.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

bobert said:


> How is your husband supposed to know how you feel if you don't tell him? He's not a mind reader! If you want to have a good marriage and fix these issues you have to learn how to communicate. Everyone needs proper communication, it shouldn't be "not your thing". In that case, a good marriage isn't your thing either.
> 
> Something you have to understand is that not everyone thinks the same and has the same ideas, not even your spouse. You are partners, not clones. Your husband is his own person with his own thoughts, opinions and desires. You have to learn to work together, not expect him to do and think exactly as you do.
> 
> ...


She did tell him. Just like your wife told you. 
It’s tough from “our” point of view because when you tell them and ask, and they don’t do it it kind of hurts ”our” feelings. Makes us feel like you don’t love us, or we’re not worth it. Plus we don’t want to be a nag. I’m sure your wife stopped bc she knew you weren’t going to change. And also, we don’t want to be a nag, we don’t want to feel like a nag. We don’t want to treat us husbands like kids and tell them what to do over and over. 
I totally get the OP frustrating point of view. She wants him to want to. But she did tell him. But it’s not fun being the unhappy nag in the relationship, so I’m sure she dropped it. 


This is why there are so many run away wives.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> She did tell him. Just like your wife told you.
> It’s tough from “our” point of view because when you tell them and ask, and they don’t do it it kind of hurts ”our” feelings. Makes us feel like you don’t love us, or we’re not worth it. Plus we don’t want to be a nag. I’m sure your wife stopped bc she knew you weren’t going to change. And also, we don’t want to be a nag, we don’t want to feel like a nag. We don’t want to treat us husbands like kids and tell them what to do over and over.
> I totally get the OP frustrating point of view. She wants him to want to. But she did tell him. But it’s not fun being the unhappy nag in the relationship, so I’m sure she dropped it.
> 
> This is why there are so many run away wives.


Yes, she has told him that she wants him to help more or get up earlier but she apparently refuses to tell him WHY. There is a big difference there.


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## adbad16 (Apr 5, 2020)

bobert said:


> How is your husband supposed to know how you feel if you don't tell him? He's not a mind reader! If you want to have a good marriage and fix these issues you have to learn how to communicate. Everyone needs proper communication, it shouldn't be "not your thing". In that case, a good marriage isn't your thing either.
> 
> Something you have to understand is that not everyone thinks the same and has the same ideas, not even your spouse. You are partners, not clones. Your husband is his own person with his own thoughts, opinions and desires. You have to learn to work together, not expect him to do and think exactly as you do.
> 
> ...


I have already talked to him about it. and it seems to be something he does not want to do. He complains when he does get up. Acts super tired. Very disinterested. Lays in the couch and goes back to sleep.


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## adbad16 (Apr 5, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> She did tell him. Just like your wife told you.
> It’s tough from “our” point of view because when you tell them and ask, and they don’t do it it kind of hurts ”our” feelings. Makes us feel like you don’t love us, or we’re not worth it. Plus we don’t want to be a nag. I’m sure your wife stopped bc she knew you weren’t going to change. And also, we don’t want to be a nag, we don’t want to feel like a nag. We don’t want to treat us husbands like kids and tell them what to do over and over.
> I totally get the OP frustrating point of view. She wants him to want to. But she did tell him. But it’s not fun being the unhappy nag in the relationship, so I’m sure she dropped it.
> 
> ...


Exactly! Thank you!

he probably thinks I am either a nag, too uptight, or have given up (when I don’t say anything).
Therefor, I view him as lazy and selfish and I have lost some respect for him. Which makes our marriage suffer. I’m not as emotionally into the marriage as I used to be.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

adbad16 said:


> Exactly! Thank you!
> 
> he probably thinks I am either a nag, too uptight, or have given up (when I don’t say anything).
> Therefor, I view him as lazy and selfish and I have lost some respect for him. Which makes our marriage suffer. I’m not as emotionally into the marriage as I used to be.


Girl I get it I was right there with you. I use to tell my ex husband that I don’t want to be this person, I don’t want to be the nag and grump, and stressed out all the time but the truth is I needed help. How many times do I have to ask before you realize it’s something important to me. I stopped asking when I accepted defeat and my feelings changed also. 

I see this thing happening all the time. And I don’t know any other way to get it through to them that it’s serious, not something dumb. Men don’t realize that when we’re annoying and nag and stuff it’s because we care. Once we stop, that’s a really bad sign.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

And good luck because I will never know how to get a guy to realize something is important to him without banging it over their heads. And as you know... we don’t want to do that, or feel we should do that, and we don’t want to turn into that kind of partner.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

bobert said:


> Yes, she has told him that she wants him to help more or get up earlier but she apparently refuses to tell him WHY. There is a big difference there.


I’m sure she has told him. But here is the problem... once she tells him and explains why, he might agree to doing it, but he will treat it like an annoying task that he has to do. So he will do it, but he will be unhappy and miserable while he does it, and that’s not what she wants. She wants him to want to do it.

It’s exactly like men wanting their wives to want more sex. He can explain it to her, and she might agree to it, but many times she treats it like an annoying task and just opens her legs and lays there like a fish. This isn’t what he wants is it? 

What we ALL want is a partner who happily does what their partner wants because it makes them happy. But i don’t know if that is truly possible.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

adbad16 said:


> I have already talked to him about it. and it seems to be something he does not want to do. He complains when he does get up. Acts super tired. Very disinterested. Lays in the couch and goes back to sleep.


So if he does get up with the kids do you want things done your way or a certain way? Do you complain, criticize or get frustrated when he does things "wrong" (ie, being on the couch, being tired)? Do you tell him what to do and how to do it? None of that is encouraging him to help out more. Let him do it HIS way and don't criticize him for it. You need to be flexible. It's like a wife asking her husband to help clean or load the dishwasher, then being mad when he does it "wrong" or following him around and touching up his work. "Wrong" being different than how she does it. There are multiple ways to do a task. 



Girl_power said:


> I’m sure she has told him. But here is the problem... once she tells him and explains why, he might agree to doing it, but he will treat it like an annoying task that he has to do. So he will do it, but he will be unhappy and miserable while he does it, and that’s not what she wants. She wants him to want to do it.
> 
> It’s exactly like men wanting their wives to want more sex. He can explain it to her, and she might agree to it, but many times she treats it like an annoying task and just opens her legs and lays there like a fish. This isn’t what he wants is it?
> 
> What we ALL want is a partner who happily does what their partner wants because it makes them happy. But i don’t know if that is truly possible.


If a husband helps out then be happy with that. You don't get to ask for help then tell him how to do it and how to feel about it too. He's grumpy about it? Tough ****. Either get over it and let him be grumpy or do it yourself and stop complaining. A person won't magically turn into someone who has a blast cleaning the kitchen floor. 

If someone can't be happy with that, well, they know where the door is.

My wife has said the same thing, on how it makes you feel unloved, etc. That may be how you feel or perceive it, but it's not what the man is thinking or intending. You'd know that if you talked about it. It has nothing to do with not loving you or whatever else you conjure up by avoiding communication.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You might be able to make him do this stuff but you’ll never make him want to do it. Could you both compromise? Potentially. But he’s probably still going to be resentful because he isn’t nearly involved in this as you are and he doesn’t want to be. That’s who he is.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

adbad16 said:


> I’ve talked to him about it and he’s says why should I wake up, we’re not doing anything? Well, *there are things to be done (he doesn’t think it has to be done right then).*


Well he's right on that one, they don't have to be done right then. Who will die if something isn't done right when you say it should be?



Girl_power said:


> I disagree with this. She doesn’t want him on HER schedule. *The kids dictate the schedule*, and kids usually wake up early and they are ready to go. So someone has to step up and wake up with the kids and take care of them. It’s not fair for it to always be one person.


Oh hell no, they most certainly don't (toddlers and infants notwithstanding).



adbad16 said:


> exactly. It’s not my schedule. It’s my kids schedule. I can’t get up and read a book and relax. I have kids and a house to take care of.


But you can, you can get the kids breakfast, pop them in front of the tele for a little while and snooze/read a book on the couch. The jobs can be done later.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

frusdil said:


> Well he's right on that one, they don't have to be done right then. Who will die if something isn't done right when you say it should be?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Her youngest two are 2 and 3.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

When the kids were little I was the one to get up with them on the weekend and yes, I did grow resentful of it. Just to add to it he would also take naps on the days he slept in. I would be seething. It wasn’t that I was tired and wished I was sleeping, I resented that he just expected me to hold down the fort while he did.

We have a blended family and the youngest children needing the most care were actually his. When I realized I was starting to resent them about this too, something had to change. But since we had gone round and round about this and he wasn’t going to change, I had to. I literally decided to stop being mad about it. Seriously. Instead of looking at his sleeping as an adversarial attack on me, I looked at me letting him sleep as a loving act towards him.

It took some time for the attitude adjustment to take hold but things were much better. He was much more engaged with me and the kids when he would get up. He started getting more things done at home that were a priority to me. Apparently acting lovingly begets more acts of love. Who knew.

Turns out he is a different person than me and has different sleep needs than me. When I started respecting those needs instead of fighting them he changed. He is more present, giving and much less grumpy. Easter and Christmas morning are non-negotiable - I demand he is up and participating. But I still prioritize his need for additional sleep by working in time for a nap for him into our holiday schedule.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I love mornings so this was a non issue for me/us. 

For you I would suggest this:

Friday night:

“I’m tired after this busy week. I’m going to sleep in tomorrow morning, so you’ve got the kids. I’ll get up with them on Sunday. So listen out for them in the morning, or set an alarm if you need too. If I hear them first, I will wake you up, but then I’m going back to sleep.”

Next week, you do Saturday, but that evening, warn him the same as above for Sunday morning. 

Maybe after a few weekends with a taste of what you go through every time, he will be more keen to tackle it togheter as a compromise.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

adbad16 said:


> Him just being up is support to me. If he were up, he could help break up a fight between the toddlers so I could continue folding laundry instead of having to stop. Or could help get breakfast cleaned up. I don’t mind doing it, because that’s just who I am, but I wish I had a partner who wanted to do these things with me.
> I want him to want to.
> I know some of the advice here has been to tell him how I feel or to make him. That’s not my thing. I don’t want him up if he’s going to be unhappy. But it’s irritating.


Chiming in because this is not a man/woman thing- my husband is a morning person and I am a night owl and we have a kid who can go either way...lol.

I do think it is weird to not wake up on holidays, first off. It's one or two mornings out of the year, grab a coffee and watch the kids going nuts is pretty hilarious. I would say that is a reasonable expectation of parenthood.

However, this is where you might have to either want to change your midset or your expectations to fit the person you married vs. getting resentful that your husband who, I presume has never been a morning person is still not a morning person even with kids and a house etc.

I think it's reasonable to agree that things need to get done around the house. It's also fair to divide the chores as you see fit as a couple/family. However, with different body clocks I think a compromise can be found on when things need to be done or how they need to be done. 

What is the higher priority to you (no wrong answer.) Is it the chores or the companionship? If it's the chores, great! Accept that you are a morning person who likes to get chores out of the way first and do what is mutually agreed upon as "your duty." If you like to get laundry folded before the day begins, great! If breakfast dishes are your husbands responsibility, get comfortable with leaving them until he's awake. 

If it's companionship, great! Wake up, have some morning sex and make a two cups of coffee for cuddles on the couch while the kids eat cereal on the ground and watch Thundercats. While I may not be the most energetic at this time (there is no way I'm doing laundry when I wake up lol) I understand that my husband really just wants his wife to be with him when he wakes up and that I can do.

This goes for me as a night owl as well. I know that we cannot stay up to watch a movie past 9:30PM, we watch movies in the afternoon or during dinner. I clean and organize with my headphones on after they have gone to bed. My husband will leave laundry in a basket until the afternoon when we can both tackle it together if he wants to go do activities in the morning. I am just saying that there are alternate ways to get what you need. 

I think if you can relieve the pressure of a double edged sword (be awake in the morning AND want to be awake) it will be easier to find a solution.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Girl_power said:


> Her youngest two are 2 and 3.


As I said, toddlers and infants notwithstanding.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Openminded said:


> *You might be able to make him do this stuff but you’ll never make him want to do it. Could you both compromise? Potentially. But he’s probably still going to be resentful because he isn’t nearly involved in this as you are and he doesn’t want to be. That’s who he is.*


Too damned bad if Mr. Wonderful is resentful!!

This is one of my pet peeves - lazy ass entitled men who are more than happy for their wives to help support the family financially yet suddenly want to pretend to be _*'traditional' *_when it comes to the domestic chores.

Here's the facts - if you BOTH work outside the home, then you're BOTH equally responsible for the domestic chores and child-rearing! Why the hell is it always some kind of negotiation for men, or we're all supposed to "let him do it the way he wants" and then throw his sorry ass a ticker tape parade if he DOES do it? What a load of ********.

OP, I'd be letting Mr. Lazy Ass know the *rules* are about to change. If he doesn't like it, that's just too damned bad.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

bobert said:


> If a husband helps out then be happy with that. You don't get to ask for help then tell him how to do it and how to feel about it too. He's grumpy about it? Tough ****. Either get over it and let him be grumpy or do it yourself and stop complaining.


And THIS attitude is exactly what I mean.

She's the damned work mule while Mr. Lazy sleeps, but she should be "happy" if he drags his dead ass out of bed and half asses one of the many chores she's always stuck doing? And it's not him "helping out" if they BOTH work. He'd be doing his *share*.



> *A person won't magically turn into someone who has a blast cleaning the kitchen floor.*


But women have been doing it - and have been EXPECTED to do it - since the dawn of time, even when they work full time outside the home. Funny how no one gives a crap about how a woman feels about having to do everything - unless it's a man doing it. THEN we have to empathize with the poor soul and make sure to accept whatever **** job he does and give him a cookie and a pat on the head when he's done.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> And THIS attitude is exactly what I mean.
> 
> She's the damned work mule while Mr. Lazy sleeps, but she should be "happy" if he drags his dead ass out of bed and half asses one of the many chores she's always stuck doing? And it's not him "helping out" if they BOTH work. He'd be doing his *share*.


If you want something done a certain way and won't tolerate anything less, then do it yourself. Simple as that. Why can't men be allowed to do it their way? Why should women be allowed to dictate how everything inside the house needs to be done? Why is the women's way the only right way? All this "Well, he cleaned the kitchen but he didn't do it to MY standards" crap is ********. There is a dish left in the sink?! The horror!! Then you wonder why men don't want to do ****? If you are that picky then DO IT YOURSELF or learn to loosen the hell up. 

Who gives a **** if the husband is grumpy? LET HIM BE GRUMPY. It won't ****ing kill anyone and he's a big boy, he can be grumpy. Tough ****. He'll get over it. 



> But women have been doing it - and have been EXPECTED to do it - since the dawn of time, even when they work full time outside the home. Funny how no one gives a crap about how a woman feels about having to do everything - unless it's a man doing it. THEN we have to empathize with the poor soul and make sure to accept whatever **** job he does and give him a cookie and a pat on the head when he's done.


Are women expected to have a ****ing blast doing it?? I don't ****ing think so. Men and women complain differently. All you women who are doing chores but seething, building resentment, refusing to communicate properly because "it's not your thing", silently loathing your husband, and expecting him to be a ****ing mind reader, how is THAT any different? You're not happy about it either. So women can be unhappy but men can't? And if you DO enjoy cleaning, then shut the hell up and just do it yourself. Stop looking for something, anything, to complain about. And if you don't enjoy cleaning, then why the hell are you *****ing that the husband doesn't like it either? If a woman wants a man who loves to clean, then she should have married one of them. She knows where the door is. Those men are out there, JUST like there are plenty of women out there who sit on their rear and do nothing all day. Oh, but the poor thing is just depressed and needs coddling. But if it's a man he's a lazy POS.

If you sit down with a MC and talk about chores, they will want to make lists. What you enjoy doing, what you hate doing, what you can tolerate doing, what you can be flexible about and what you cannot be flexible about. You don't get everything you want! Sometimes it will be "Well, I hate doing this chore but I hate the way he/SHE does it more so I'll do it" or "Well, I don't like the way he/SHE does it but I hate doing it more, so I can let go of my controlling ******** and accept that he is his own person and has his own way of doing things".


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

We all have to do things we don’t want to do. You don’t have to love doing it, but you can’t be a grump and complain because no one wants to be around that every day.


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## Mark Paskinsky (Jul 22, 2020)

How late doesn't bother me as long as the kids should have a normal sleeping schedule. I'd better adapt to their one than sitting right now and calculating how late I'm going to bed. After having several sleepless nights, I started being not really verbose. Every activity was so cumbersome for me. I ended up surfing the Internet for an explanation. The cite where I found relevant information was Amanda's blog about interpreting dreams. I was seeking for what does it mean to see snakes in your dream and obtained a lot of comprehensive explanations and even was pleased to have a session with Amanda herself. She is a proficient medium and absolutely a determined person.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Those were the days. Kids who wake you up. Making breakfast while DW catches a bit of extra sleep. And of course my favorite DW mowing the lawn at 6 AM after the neighbors partied until 3. I miss those days.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

adbad16 said:


> JW - as I cook breakfast and tend to our three young children, what do your mornings look like for those with young kids? Do you sleep in? Does your spouse? Do you take turns? Are you both up?
> I don’t really need to sleep in. I go to bed at a decent time and just can’t sleep in. I feel I have too much to do. So switching days or giving me time to sleep isn’t the answer. But I’m annoyed right now bc DH is still sleeping. As I said, I’m cooking, cleaning, breaking up fights between the kids.
> He does this every weekend. We both work full time. I do most of the house work and tending to the children. He does most of the yard work.
> I’ve talked to him about it and he’s says why should I wake up, we’re not doing anything? Well, there are things to be done (he doesn’t think it has to be done right then).
> And I’d also like someone to talk to as I cook breakfast, watch tv, and just partner the kids together. But maybe I’m having unrealistic expectations so I’m JW what your mornings look like.


Give them a shot of benedryl.


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