# Still angry after all these years ...



## MissFortescue (Mar 29, 2012)

Long story - where to begin?
My husband began an affair about 3 years ago; it lasted around 9 months. The lies and deception involved still leave me speechless. We "got back together" 2 or 3 times; he continued the affair behind my back. 
I eventually decided to move out. He broke down and begged me to come back. I caved in immediately - don't know why to this day. (Actually, because of our young son, I think). 
At the same time I found out about the affair, I found out that he had had an online affair the previous year. Also, a "suspicious" relationship some time before that. Perhaps others; who knows?
My problem is - we have a better relationship now than we ever have, yet I feel he has "got away with it" far too easily. I still feeling like screaming and punching him. I still feel that he has no idea of the hurt I have endured. I still feel that he behaved with mind-blowing arrogance. I still can't believe that it took me so long to realise, and that I capitulated so easily. After my "cave-in", we made a deal. One aspect of this was that he would tell me if she ever made contact. I found out after some weeks that they never stopped emailing each other. (She doesn't live in the same country; they travelled regularly to meet each other). I still decided to give him another chance.
Is it normal to feel so angry after nearly 3 years? My husband tells me it is time to move on, and that there is no point in us staying together if I can't get over it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You have never dealt with any of it by the sounds of it. There are a ton of things that you both need to do in order to truly reconcile, especially him. Head on over to the Coping with Infidelity forum and do some reading. You DID let him get away with it, and what you have now will not stand the test of time.

I am just over 2 years post D day and I still struggle with what my husband did almost every day. It takes at LEAST 2 years, sometimes many more, to recover from being betrayed, and that only if the wayward spouse is willing to chop off his left arm for the betrayed. You will never move past being angry without both of you doing a LOT of work.

Have you had STD tests? Have you determined he isn't still doing anything? Has he become an open book to you, in EVERY aspect of his life? Does he say how sorry he is repeatedly?


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Waooow.....I'm kind of choc over here...Why do you stay with him? Why do you stay in those feelings?
You know. Kids are not destroyed by a divorce; I think they are more when they can make an other meaning of love. Love for them may mean it's okay to sleep on the lazy boy, it's okay to insult each other. Maybe love may mean to them later that no effort needs to be done to get a good communication because you can live and tolerate each other....
So what do you what here? Do you want to live in this insecure situation all your life or switch to a confident life? Don't worry about the kid, he will be happy. Even happier to see is parent happy.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

MissFortescue said:


> we have a better relationship now than we ever have


This is a big fat lie. If the relationship were so peachy you wouldn't be here venting about it.

Well wait he sucked before so maybe it HAS improved as in he sucks LESS now. And yes I'm being sarcastic.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So are you running an enabler workshop now? You're an expert.


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## MissFortescue (Mar 29, 2012)

Thanks for your comments - sarcastic and otherwise. Food for thought.


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## MissFortescue (Mar 29, 2012)

On second thoughts, "Run like dog", I find your comment offensive. I thought this was supposed to be a supportive network - not one for slinging destructive put-downs.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Look the truth is he did get off too easy but YOU are the one that let him off the hook. YOU did this. That's what we all see. We aren't trying to be mean we are trying to get you to open your eyes.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

MissFortescue said:


> On second thoughts, "Run like dog", I find your comment offensive. I thought this was supposed to be a supportive network - not one for slinging destructive put-downs.


Sorry, but your post reeks of codependence. And I think you know that. Your question, "Is it normal to feel this angry...."? The answer is "For you in wherever you are in your life, yes, it is. But where you are in your life the right place for you to be in and if it's not, why are you there?" Clearly you're 'stuck'. The question you have to ask yourself is what are you going to do about that? Are you going to stay mad and simply accept it and let it fester and ferment until it explodes? Are you going to press it down and bury it with food, liquor and drugs? Are you going to 'deal' with it (God I hate that word, we don't deal with anything, ever, we drag the boat off the reef after it collides with it) but accepting that people are what they are, good or bad or in between and there's little to nothing you can do about that nor can you ever therapeutize THEIR behavior towards you. All you can do is pick yourself up dust yourself off and keep going w/o giving them permission to kick you around anymore. 

Do you know what an enabler is? Someone drowning in fear. Fear they'll lose something; a partner, stability, money, love, sex, acceptance, etc. And in order to preserve that they'll happily volunteer to get kicked in the face. Over and over and over.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

After how he has treated you, it is no wonder you are filled with rage--at him and at yourself. 

The question is, what to do now?

You could leave him--his callousness about how you should just get over it is almost unforgiveable. He seems to have no remorse. Maybe I'm wrong about that.

Option 2: start with counseling--individual for you and marriage counseling. Maybe you can let out the rage in the safe environment of a counselor's office. You need to do something, though, b/c the pent up anger you feel will literally make you ill somehow if it hasn't already, and/or it will spill out somewhere, inappropriately-at a target who has nothing to do with the source of it.

I cannot believe it is healthy for your son to be living with a mom who has so much (justifiable) anger. For his sake as well as your own, do something about it. Petty people would look for revenge--but that will only hurt your son more. So realize that he will never feel the same type of pain you feel, but that your ability to feel so angry is both a reflection of the damage he has done and the depth of your emotion. 

But no matter what you do or how angry you are, do not force your son to take sides in any way. That will cause irreperable harm. You can say whatever you wish to your h, but not in front of your child or even to your child when he is older. He'll figure out for himself what type of man his father is, some day. 

And remember: unless your h has some mental disorder (which he might, from the sounds of it--his lack of concern is quite revealing), something in the marriage wasn't working for him. Own that, whether you stay with him or not. Figure out how to make yourself a better, happier person, and a better partner. If you choose to leave him, both of those things will be of great benefit to you in your future.

I'm sorry you are in such pain and I hope you find some peace.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Yes, betrayed spouses can remain 'angry' until they feel their pain has been validated/acknowledged/understood by the WS; and in turn the WS shows TRUE, HONEST remorse. There's no 
getting over it' or 'moving on' with out either of these taking place. 

Personally, your H sounds like an arrogant jerk! Your post does not make him sound the least bit remorseful at all. IMO, the only thing you're guilty of is giving him more chances than he deserves. No way in h3ll I'd do it!!! He wants to 'act' single; then being single can be arranged

Didn't see where you mentioned any kind of MC; is this something you've already done or would be willing to do? That's what I would suggest. If he's not willing to do it with you, he doesn't care/respect you or the relationship; dump his A$$ and get IC for yourself.


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## kevint (Mar 14, 2009)

If you don't deal with whatever is left inside from those affairs it will eat at you so bad. You have to have some closure and he should be more than willing to give you that. I walked around for years with a heavy heart over things that happened in my marriage. It will only destroy you if you don't deal with it now.


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