# bf kind of treats me like a maid but doesn't think so



## in_disbelief (Nov 29, 2010)

Hi,
I am with this guy, who works shifts with days off in between. I love him very much, he is a good person all in all.
I stay at home, cuz I am unemployed at the moment. Of course I do all the housework, since I don't go to work; I don't question it... I don't bring money in so at least I take care of the house. 
My problem is he really is too lazy and uses his work as an excuse to have me do absolutely everything for him. I will give you examples. He is upstairs sitting at the pc, he wants a drink or needs something that requires getting up, he asks me to get up and get it, 99% of the time; when he is off, it happens he gets up early while I am still sleeping, he doesn't make breakfast for himself, he waits for me to wake up and cook it. 
We have a cat, his cat (which I do love and like having around), I feed him and clean up after him, he never does anything, just complains that I don't brush him enough and the cat leaves lots of hairs everywhere on the carpet that I have to get rid of. 
Once I joked saying I am his slave, he got furious, saying it's not too much to ask to cook, clean and so on since I don't do anything all day and he supports me financially and how many guys would put up with a gf without a job for so long... so that's the problem, how do I deal with this reasoning?
I don't mind the housework but there's a difference between housewife and maid I think. I feel like a maid, but in his defense I will say he was used to being served like a king so he is not self-sufficient in the least, although he can cook and clean (he worked as a cleaner in the past lol). 
I am grateful for his patience in putting up with my joblessness but he can't blackmail me like that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What was it like when you worked? How much did he do around the house at that time?
You both have good points. 

My rule of thumb for when one person stays at home and the other works…

One partner works some number of hours a day… let’s say 8 hours + 1 hour commute.

So the SAHP (stay at home partner) should put in equal time keeping house, cooking, shopping, running errands, etc. So in this example it’s 9 hours (8+1).

The SAHP should have dinner ready when the working partner comes home.

So now the both of you have worked full time. If there is any time left over after the two of you have worked full time…. Then you split that work 50/50.

The SAHP should not be guilted into working more hours like having do after dinner dishes, do all cooking/cleaning on weekends, etc.

In your case you also need to be job hunting. How many hours a week are you job hunting? This is also part of what you need to be doing when he’s at work.
On the topic of him wanting you to serve him. Don’t do it if he demands it. This does make you a servant. Was it his mother who spoiled him like this?

He does not sound like a very loving or caring partner. Why do you want to be with him?


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Other than the one time you brought up the slave comment (which if you said it in a snarky way might have set him off a bit) have you sat down and talked about this with him? Is it possible he sees things differently? As far as getting him drinks occasionally, maybe his love language is acts of service? Basically you need to sit down and have a serious thoughtful CALM discussion with him where you both try to understand each other's viewpoints.


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## in_disbelief (Nov 29, 2010)

I have only worked very short hours occasionally. I do look for jobs online everyday and send hundreds of applications but I get just called for part time jobs for like 2 hours a week.
He doesn't view it as me serving him and he doesn't like being served but that's what happens. 
I have always done the housework, his mom never worked either and she did everything for him and this is the result.
He flips and say things like that mainly when he is frustrated and stressed cuz of his job; he always apologizes for having a go at me. 
We have been through a lot together so I know the worst sides of his character and I learned to live with them... this is not a huge issue for me but it bothers me when he denies that I do end up being a maid, as much as he doesn't want one.


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## in_disbelief (Nov 29, 2010)

bfree said:


> Other than the one time you brought up the slave comment (which if you said it in a snarky way might have set him off a bit) have you sat down and talked about this with him? Is it possible he sees things differently? As far as getting him drinks occasionally, maybe his love language is acts of service? Basically you need to sit down and have a serious thoughtful CALM discussion with him where you both try to understand each other's viewpoints.


Thanks for your reply. Most of the time I don't mind doing things for him but at times I am tired for various reasons and would appreciate if he got off his [email protected]@... I mean if I want a drink or need something my instinct is to get up and get it myself not ask him. If I am hungry, I go and prepare myself something to eat.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you? 

You have put yourself in this position by being dependent on him. 

Can you get some kind of financial aid to go back to school? One of the best ways into the work force is to do it while you are in school. 

I don't know what country/state you are in so don't now what's available to you.


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## in_disbelief (Nov 29, 2010)

I can't get any aid whatsoever, tried to, cuz his wages are pretty good, he can provide for me apparently with no problem so I can't get any benefits. 
I am in my late 20's, he is in his early 30's. 
I can't get a decent job for lack of experience, but without working I will never get the experience. I applied for voluntary work to gain experience, they never called me for anything.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Maybe it's time for you to start looking for a job, make your own money and find your own place to live.

You don't contribute to the household financially and have chosen to do housework, which is admirable. However, you are in a situation with someone who now feels entitled to have you do whatever he wants without complaint from you and that's not good. If you don't want to feel like a 'slave', then you need to sit down with him and come to an agreement about what kinds of housework you are willing to do in return for not paying rent. 

As I mentioned above, he seems to feel entitled to tell you to do whatever he wants and has made you feel guilty if you complain. It seems like he's getting all of his needs met, but what about yours? What are you getting out of this relationship beyond "he's a good guy"? Does he contribute anything to the relationship besides money and a place for you to live?


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## in_disbelief (Nov 29, 2010)

tm84 said:


> Maybe it's time for you to start looking for a job, make your own money and find your own place to live.
> 
> You don't contribute to the household financially and have chosen to do housework, which is admirable. However, you are in a situation with someone who now feels entitled to have you do whatever he wants without complaint from you and that's not good. If you don't want to feel like a 'slave', then you need to sit down with him and come to an agreement about what kinds of housework you are willing to do in return for not paying rent.
> 
> As I mentioned above, he seems to feel entitled to tell you to do whatever he wants and has made you feel guilty if you complain. It seems like he's getting all of his needs met, but what about yours? What are you getting out of this relationship beyond "he's a good guy"? Does he contribute anything to the relationship besides money and a place for you to live?


Of course, I wouldn't be with him, if that was all there was in our relationship... I know I said I feel like a maid, but I know he is thankful that I take care of him, he shows his appreciation of me... I guess the financial strain and job related stress make him say things like the ones I mentioned. I would have a conversation with him about how I feel, but he tends to get defensive and flare up, to which I react by remaining silent until he calms down or by going out to have a walk so that he can think about how he has treated me and come to his senses which he pretty much always does; this going for a walk on my part when he gets angry with me, once made him feel like I walked out on him (now that I think of it, it was when I made that comment about being a slave), he has brought this up so is it a wrong thing to do?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

in_disbelief said:


> I can't get any aid whatsoever, tried to, cuz his wages are pretty good, he can provide for me apparently with no problem so I can't get any benefits.
> I am in my late 20's, he is in his early 30's.
> I can't get a decent job for lack of experience, but without working I will never get the experience. I applied for voluntary work to gain experience, they never called me for anything.


You don't say where you life. If you live in the USA his income does not affect any educational benefits you can get.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

in_disbelief said:


> Of course, I wouldn't be with him, if that was all there was in our relationship... I know I said I feel like a maid, but I know he is thankful that I take care of him, he shows his appreciation of me... I guess the financial strain and job related stress make him say things like the ones I mentioned. I would have a conversation with him about how I feel, but he tends to get defensive and flare up, to which I react by remaining silent until he calms down or by going out to have a walk so that he can think about how he has treated me and come to his senses which he pretty much always does; this going for a walk on my part when he gets angry with me, once made him feel like I walked out on him (now that I think of it, it was when I made that comment about being a slave), *he has brought this up so is it a wrong thing to do?*


If either or both of you are yelling and saying mean things to each other, it's the right thing to do before the yelling and meaness starts.

Let him know that you are not walking out but defusing the situation. Letting both of you calm down.

Sounds to me like the two of you need relationship counseling.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Did you reside with him when you were employed? If so, did he share a larger load of the household chores? If not, what makes you think his attitude has anything to do with your employment situation? You might end up working a full time job and still be expected to wait on him, hand and foot. We come into relationships largely mimicking our parents because that's the best idea most of us have of what adult cohabitation looks like. If his mom was a 1940s Betty Crocker and never made him do for himself or help out, she basically created the role you now live. He won't do better till he learns better.
Right now, you do have a job and that's to diligently find a job. If it's an organized pursuit that takes your full attention for 8 hours a day, then his argument is shot dead in the water. If it were me, I'd be getting on my own two feet, preparing to use one of them to kick him out the door. He seems to value you only if you make money and resents and disrespects you if you don't. I suspect if you were earning a paycheck, you would find yourself similarly devalued unless you earned as much or more than he. If you did earn that much, he'd find another reason to exalt himself above you. That's what lazy, selfish people do. A man who truly loved you would love you whether you had a million dollars or not a cent. Picking up after oneself is what responsible adults do. It has nothing to do with who works and who doesn't. Sharing household duties is what responsible team members do. I doubt his problem would be solved by you getting a job. People get laid off. People become disabled. You'd be better served by a guy who loves you for what you are, not for what you do or what you make. The first doesn't change. The latter two will.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

in_disbelief said:


> I can't get any aid whatsoever, tried to, cuz his wages are pretty good, he can provide for me apparently with no problem so I can't get any benefits.


Unless you are his common-law wife, and the place you reside recognizes you as such, his income does not need to be put on any financial aid applications. 



in_disbelief said:


> ... but without working I will never get the experience. I applied for voluntary work to gain experience, they never called me for anything.


It's a jungle out there. Lots of people are unemployed or underemployed. However, as I said, if you don't claim his income on financial aid applications, you can get it to gain all sorts of skills. 

Have you ever held a full-time job? I don't know that much about your situation, so I can only speculate, which I don't think would be fair to you. Have you two lived together for a long time? 

As far as volunteering goes, you are right. Even the volunteer positions are filled up at times, because with so many people out of work, they're willing to volunteer to get experience. However, if you are willing to get in peoples' faces, you can get a volunteer position. Also, trying to get hired by sending out resumes online doesn't pan out for most people. It's who you know. Yes, networking is hard work, but it leads a lot of people to jobs.

I'm betting you could get more training/education and get into a volunteer activity. Are there areas that interest you in particular, such as the medical field? That is one area in which hiring is ongoing. Just an idea I thought I'd throw out there ...


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> If either or both of you are yelling and saying mean things to each other, it's the right thing to do before the yelling and meaness starts.
> 
> Let him know that you are not walking out but defusing the situation. Letting both of you calm down.
> 
> Sounds to me like the two of you need relationship counseling.


^^^^
Elegirl got to it before I could and I agree.


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## in_disbelief (Nov 29, 2010)

Thanks for your replies. Yes, we are not in the US.
I never yell or say mean things cuz it's not in my character to do so. 

He did say if I worked full time, he would share the housework. He is concerned though about me working full time as that would mean not spending time with each other that much and he means it, what's the point of being with somebody you never see he says. 
I dont know nobody who can recommend me, his sister looked like she could find me a job where she works but nothing ever came out of it. I did work full time prior to moving in with him, I had to leave the job. I woke up at half 5 am and came home at half 7 in the evening, lots of commmuting, so it's not like I have never done anything.


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## in_disbelief (Nov 29, 2010)

I have never demanded he provides for me, I have always intended to find a job and he has been willing to support me in the meantime. I do what I can in the house and look for jobs but only got part time jobs with very short hours which didn't help that much.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

in_disbelief said:


> Thanks for your replies. Yes, we are not in the US.
> I never yell or say mean things cuz it's not in my character to do so.
> 
> He did say if I worked full time, he would share the housework. He is concerned though about me working full time as that would mean not spending time with each other that much and he means it, what's the point of being with somebody you never see he says.
> I dont know nobody who can recommend me, his sister looked like she could find me a job where she works but nothing ever came out of it. I did work full time prior to moving in with him, I had to leave the job. I woke up at half 5 am and came home at half 7 in the evening, lots of commmuting, so it's not like I have never done anything.


What would you do if you were not living with him?

Seems that he has some resentment for supporting you but then does not want you to work cause then you will not have as much time to spend together. There's an issue.

So in your country if you are just living with someone you have to put their income on your financial aid application? By living wiht him he's legally responsbile to pay for your school?

I think that you need to look at how to support yourself because he really does not want to . That might mean that you need to make different living arrangements.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, I think in that situation I would place myself in a position where I _would _be eligible for financial aid. 

There does seem to be some resentment going on in your relationship and, IMO, the dynamic isn't a healthy one. Whilst taking responsibility for the home whilst unemployed is a fair way for you to contribute, waiting on him hand and foot is taking things too far.

I would find a way of moving out, OP.


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## in_disbelief (Nov 29, 2010)

We are partners so I can't fill in applications for financial aid in the UK pretending I am single as they do ask if I have a partner living with me. He is willing to support me, that's not the problem, it just gets on his nerves a bit sometimes when he is very stressed, but he is very generous with me and he really doesn't hassle me about finding a job. It's not like he doesn't want me to work, he says even a very small job is ok, it's still a. little help and he does wonder how our relationship would be if we were both working full time... more money yes, but less time together, so we both think time together is more important. I don't think he resents supporting me, it's more the fact he feels at times like he is always the one taking care of others while he gets no help; that stems from the fact he supported his family financially for a long time and also emotionally since he was a boy, he was given too many responsibilities at an age when you are supposed to be carefree.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

I'm going to suggest something unusual. Act less like a maid and more like a lover. Do things for him that only you would and could do. I suggest this only because when my wife is using her womanly charms on me I'm not looking around to see if the house is clean.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

in_disbelief said:


> I feel like a maid, but in his defense I will say he was used to being served like a king so he is not self-sufficient in the least, although he can cook and clean (he worked as a cleaner in the past lol).
> I am grateful for his patience in putting up with my joblessness but he can't blackmail me like that.


If he's used to being served like a king, then he's always going to treat you like he's treating you now. That will not change, trust me, even when you get a job and even if you work longer hours than he does, and even if you make more money. It won't matter. He has it in his head that he is entitled to being served and he will always expect you to do so and will hold things over your head.

Get out now. Really. Men like this don't ever learn to treat you as anything but subservient because they never see you as anything but lesser than him.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

norajane said:


> If he's used to being served like a king, then he's always going to treat you like he's treating you now. That will not change, trust me, even when you get a job and even if you work longer hours than he does, and even if you make more money. It won't matter. He has it in his head that he is entitled to being served and he will always expect you to do so and will hold things over your head.
> 
> Get out now. Really. Men like this don't ever learn to treat you as anything but subservient because they never see you as anything but lesser than him.


Wow, that's kind of harsh don't you think?


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## Boglin (Mar 4, 2018)

He feels entitled to your servitude because he works, but it's like you are always oh duty 24/7 which is not fair. If you weren't there his life would fall apart, he would live in squalor and he would have to hire an actual maid and prostitutes.


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