# Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.



## Goldfinger

Hello Everyone,

I am very troubled and sad that I am here and actually posting this in an effort to seek advice and wisdom in my marriage. I have been married to my wife for 12 years and together with her for 18. We have two small wonderful children. We are both financially successful and we hardly ever argue or fight. Sounds wonderful right? Well, it was but I now have the gut wrenching feeling that something is wrong. 

We've always had a good relationship and a decent sex life. The sex dried up a couple of years ago and I thought nothing of it due to our young children and the stress and changes raising a family brings. I first became suspicious a little over a year ago. I pay our credit card bills sometimes and noticed she purchased a few items from Adem and Eve. No big deal. My wife is just exploring her sexuality which I thought could only help our relationship. Then I noticed a few purchases from Fredericks of Hollywood. Here's where it gets fuzzy for me. She never wore the lingerie for me and never told me about it. This didn't sit right with me as it didn't make sense so I paid more attention to it. I noticed she wore the lingerie to work sometimes including crotchless panties. I don't mean to be crass either, but I also noticed her panties would sometimes look like she was very excited during the day. She does the laundry so I'm positive she never thought I would notice. Now my hackles were up. 

I searched our home computer and her cell phone and could not find any evidence of someone else. Yet, my wife would get dolled up for work and were lingerie underneath her business clothes only to come home and change out of them. She would not take a shower though as I looked for that. After a few weeks of when this all started, my wife became very sexually aggressive. She would put the kids to bed and come up with all sorts of kinky things. I honestly didn't know if I could keep up. I thought that maybe my wife was just reaching her sexual maturity since she is in her mid to late thirties. She also surprised me during this time when she all of a sudden out of nowhere started to deep throat (again I apologize for being explicit). Where does a women just learn a trick like that? She would also carry those small fresh breath toothbrushes that require no water or rinsing in her car. I never thought much of it until I started looking at the big picture. 

During this time frame she started running and working out at home as well as using a Fitbit. My wife has always been very attractive and in good shape, just not super physically fit. As I said, I had my suspicions but could never find any concrete proof other then this circumstantial evidence. I was upset but decided to drop it. 

Fast forward to today. Our sex life has been none existent for the past 8 months. Zero. I recently noticed that she once again purchased more lingerie from Fredericks over a month ago. She also has been getting wax treatments done for her bikini area. Once again, I have not been the beneficiary of any of these things. Our relationship is not very open and we really do not have much dialogue or open up to each other anymore. She doesn't even kiss me goodbye anymore and if she does it's on the cheek. All my past suspicions have come back and I just have that feeling in my gut. 

I've tried to find evidence again but to no avail. If my wife is or did cheat it would have to be at work. She works at a very large company and has unlimited free time there. She could be gone for an hour and no one would question it. It is a rare occasion that I can ever get a hold of her at work and she usually, but not always, responds to my texts or voicemails after a few hours. She never works late or goes into the office at strange times. She guards her cell phone but does give me access to it. I searched through it last night and didn't find anything except a couple of strange numbers that were blocked from texting and FaceTime. 

So that's where I am at. I have no real proof, just very suspicious behavior and a terrible feeling deep down. The bad part is is that my instincts are usually correct. I love my family very much. They are the most important thing to me in the world. I would suffer through a marriage to keep my children free of the pain that divorce causes. I just don't know where to go from her. I thought of confronting her, but realize that if she is cheating then she would just lie about it and take better steps to cover her tracks. However, the uncertainty is causing just as much damage. It is making me distant and cold. Do I have nothing to worry about? Should I investigate further? Should I confront her? I appreciate each and everyone of you for taking the time to read this and look forward to any advice or suggestions you may have.


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## harrybrown

So sorry. You have a sexless marriage and she is getting off somewhere else.

You know she is cheating. Just file for D. You can't "find out about her cheating", but you know it is happening.

This can't be the way you wanted your marriage to be. No sex for all this time and she is addicted to someone else.

Get tested for stds, but don't bother looking. Just go see your attorney and file.

Don't bother to tell her anything. Just file, and move on. She is an addict to her sex partner or partners.

consider trying to get help for the pain by going to affair recovery.com.


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## rzmpf

Goldfinger said:


> Did my wife cheat on me?


After reading your story, that's a rhetorical question.

You already know the answer. Act accordingly.


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## Taxman

Sir
Sorry but it is quite clear.
Get yourself a PI


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## ConanHub

If this isn't made up, of course she is cheating.

Reads almost directly out of a cheating wife erotic story.

Pretty cliché actually.


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## Goldfinger

Thanks for the replies even though they are not exactly what I was hoping to hear. I understand what everyone has said. I just wish I had a smoking gun. I'd hate to ruin our family if there was even a remote chance I was wrong. I know the evidence I have is not good, but there are no strange phone calls, nothing strange on her phone, her whereabouts are always known except for at work, she still says she loves me and is chipper, she is even always planning vacations for our family to take. I realize this sounds like I'm grasping at straws, but my life as I know it is at stake. Again, thank you for the advice.


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## The Middleman

The only way you are going to get peace on this is: either you or a PI follow her and see what's going on. I assure you that there is no shame in doing that. Sounds to me like she is having an affair.


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## Lostme

Of course she does not need to have anything on her phone, sounds like she is getting her thrills at work.

No woman shops Fredericks and get her private waxed for nothing, she is doing it someone and that someone is not you. I would not be putting on lingerie or getting a wax job unless i had a reason too.

You do have evidence lingerie, waxings and you not get any for 8 months.


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## Taxman

You are looking here for a plan. If you have the funds, hire a PI. 
Next, based on his findings you may choose to do nothing. However, if she is in the throes of an affair, please do not just ingore. If you want a shot at your marriage, you will need to blow things up. First, once you have incontrovertable proof, expose to your wife. Next, if you have used a PI, you will know the identity of the affair partner. Blow up his world as well. The rest of this will follow. Your first step is to get a PI.


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## adegirl2016

I am sorry to have to say this, but I had no idea my husband was having an affair AT ALL until it blew up in my face. There were no calls, no texts, nothing. Everything they did was done AT work, which is unbelievable. Don't think that just because you don't physically have proof, that it can't be happening. I am a woman and can say that I only shop at those stores when I have intentions of using what I buy from there! If i were you, or if I could do it over again, I would hire a PI or a VAR in the car. But she is most definitely cheating. 
Please know that when you get your proof, it is going to be extremely painful. I am almost 3 months past D-Day and it it just as painful as the first, for me. Again, if I could do that part over, I would have done the 180 and kicked him out immediately. Then we can either separate or reconcile from afar, either way they are learning a lesson.


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## curious234

Have you been asking her for sex all these months. do not be a beta male. Discuss the current situation of your marriage and your observations about her changes and whether she has an affair. Like many says about these things being up front is the way to go. the more you wait the more you lose control. whatever it is be confident. Pain is certain. Suffering is optional


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## harrybrown

Do not tip her off.

She will take it further underground. If you can't D, then you have received great advice about the VAR in her car, and the PI.

Get tested for stds if you ever do have sex with her.

This is no way to live. Better to take care of your family and let her go.

Call your attorney or file for d on your own.

Too much is happening to say that she is not cheating on you.


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## ABHale

Just being up the things she has bought and the waxing. Say I know it's not for me so who is it this time.


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## Goldfinger

Thanks for the advice everyone. It's sad that so many of us seem to have to go through this. I'm going to try out the VAR tip.


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## Tatsuhiko

Do not bring up the things she has bought or the waxings. Do not tip her off to your suspicions because she will deny everything and then learn to hide it all better. You will never know anything if you confront her too early. If anything, you should be very cheerful and act like you suspect nothing. But either the VAR or PI will reveal everything, and usually very soon. 

When you do confront her, NEVER reveal your source. When you do confront her, do it with shock and awe. Hand her divorce papers, expose to the other man's spouse and your wife's family, and move her personal items to the guest bedroom. You do these things so that you have a better chance of saving your marriage, ironically.


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## stillthinking

Sorry you are here. Some thoughts.

Realize that the women you married and loved is gone. She has been replaced with a lying cheat. She may look the same, but its not the person you used to know.

If you live in a state or country that has "at fault" divorce in cases of infidelity, then get a PI for sure. You will want 3rd party collected evidence that cannot be explained away. If it were me I would go with a PI anyway. 

Over on SI there was a poster named Spaceghost0007 who did just that. The PI found all the evidence. He confronted with the shock and awe approach. And she never got the upper-hand. Unlike so many other BH, he did not get sucked into endless arguments and trickle truth. Many times the WW will only admit to what you have evidence of. Decisive action is always the best approach to get out of infidelity.

If you want to read his story: SurvivingInfidelity.com - Thought we had a good marriage

Hemming and hawing, doing the "Pick Me" dance, begging her to give up the OM and work on the marriage. It never works. Only taking control of the situation works.

So play the long game here. Do not try and win a battle, win the war. Resist the urge to confront until you have all of your ducks in a row. Evidence. Divorce papers. Contact info for the OM spouse if there is one. Then when you have prepared you pick the day and time. Have her served papers at work. Inform family members. And go dark on her for a few hours. Do not answer her calls or texts. When she gets home tell her her stuff in in the guest room. 

She will most likely respond in one of 3 ways:

1. Cold indifference, the whole "I have not been in love with you for years" line. (Not likely unless this is an exit affiar)
2. Rage and anger that you spoiled her fun and ruined her reputation with the family. (Possible, but remember she brought this upon herself)
3. Tears, crying, I'm So Sorry, I was never going to leave you, I never stopped loving you. I never meant to hurt you. (Most common response)

If she opts for #3 it will look and sound really sincere. Its not. No one is remorseful that quickly. They are sorry they got caught. It is just her covering her ass and trying to avoid the consequences of her actions. Stay strong and prepare yourself emotionally. Stand your ground.


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## Goldfinger

Thank you for the time and advice. Resisting the urge to confront has/will be the hardest battle. I just want to scream WTF but at the same time I don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing how much I'm hurt. I'll check locally for a good PI and the VAR. I have nothing to lose right now by waiting it out. Thanks again.


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## curious234

Hope you will find there is nothing to worry. However even in the worse scenario never leave the house


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## Cynthia

curious234 said:


> Hope you will find there is nothing to worry. However even in the worse scenario never leave the house


Whatever you do, stay in your home. If things get really bad and you are desperate to move out, make sure you have contacted an attorney and have everything in order, including filing for divorce, so that you will not suffer due to "abandonment" of your family. Moving out before the divorce can create even worse problems for you.

If you are at the point of getting a PI, it would be wise to get an attorney as well. Be fully prepared before you find out who she is cheating with. You want to be ready to move on the information, rather than having to wait until you are ready. That is the worse to try to keep quiet when you have a bunch of information and proof.

Purchase a book about divorce in your state that you can read on an electronic device. That way your wife won't see it and you can read it whenever you choose. Knowing your rights is imperative and will help you in finding a decent attorney and not get taken advantage of.


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## SunCMars

Not many jumped in to help.

Either they are "cheated out" or they are mulling the veracity of this situation.

...............................................................................................................................................................
You need to get inside the walls of her employer.

Me? I would look carefully at her purse. The one she carries to work, keeps in her office. I would embed a voice activated recorder in that purse, a VAR. Buy a good one at Best Buy. You may have to make a secret compartment in it. Maybe a false bottom. Cut a very similar looking piece of leather, or vinyl or Naugahyde purchsed from Jo-Anne Fabrics or some store like that. Cut it and put a second layer in the purse, with the VAR underneath in a cut-out pocket "form" between the two layers. Does she carry a lunch bag or container? Put one in there?

If she carries a brief case or a laptop case to work maybe chose one of those to install a recorder. Use lithium batteries in the recorder.

Or- if you can get into her office, install a wireless transmitter under her desk. This is not going to be an easy task. I am an engineer and could pull it off. It would be possible if you could be there alone for 10 minutes or so. Visit her for lunch. 

In the winter, women wear heavy coats. A VAR could be inserted at mid back. If you use the bottom hem line of the coat, it will clunk when it hits a solid surface.

This assumes she has a desk. She may not.


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## dianaelaine59

Where are all the regulars .... to guide Goldfinger?

Jump on in!


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## bandit.45

Gold finger I think you are on the right track. Bide your time and verify your suspicions. Say nothing to her. Be as sweet as pie. Don't let her suspect anything. 

And when you gather your evidence, wrap it in a pretty bow and shove it up her azz....


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## NoChoice

OP,
Regrettably it would seem to be highly probable that your wife is indeed involved in some extramarital endeavors. The combination of circumstantial evidence is quite damning.


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## Lostme

Are you able to show up to her job unannounced to take her for lunch, and see how she acts?


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## old red

Goldfinger said:


> Thanks for the replies even though they are not exactly what I was hoping to hear. I understand what everyone has said. I just wish I had a smoking gun. I'd hate to ruin our family if there was even a remote chance I was wrong. I know the evidence I have is not good, but there are no strange phone calls, nothing strange on her phone, her whereabouts are always known except for at work, she still says she loves me and is chipper, she is even always planning vacations for our family to take. I realize this sounds like I'm grasping at straws, but my life as I know it is at stake. Again, thank you for the advice.


Uhmm, the crotchless panties are your smoking gun, but you know this already.


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## Goldfinger

So I screwed up and did the wrong thing late last night. I confronted my wife. I broke down emotionally inside when she wanted to play a question game for couples that I had bought for her birthday. Questions like, where we will be on our 25th anniversary, name things you admire about your spouse, etc. finally got the best of me. When I confronted her I told her I wasn't asking her anything or looking for a confession. I told her my information is pretty damning and I was merely informing her that I knew. Of course she denied everything. Said she was shocked I was feeling this way, etc etc etc. she came up with reasons for everything but I coldly refuted them. 

HOWEVER, she agreed our marriage needs help and that she was willing to do whatever it takes to regain my trust and save it. She volunteered and wants to take a polygraph test as soon as possible. She's even willing to travel 3 hours with me to have one done by a well known examiner who has written many books on the subject. I left it as I will start talking about our marriage after I see the results, but inside it has given me hope. 

I realize I should have avoided confronting her but what's done cannot be undone. I'm not sure how much a PI would have helped since she works at a large company with gated access, private parking garages, and you have to be escorted at all times. Does anyone have any experience with polygraph tests? If the results come back that she is telling the truth is that reliable enough to put this to rest and move on to saving my marriage?


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## curious234

Polygraph offer is promising. However go to a place of your choosing. Other posters with more experience may be able to comment on what to ask and the reliability/limitations of polygraph. still a question is why there has been no intimacy for a long time. Also work on your self improvement such as working out. PI (or your checking out all avenues mentioned by others above) still helps as the PI can monitor her leaving work at odd times. Later on if this does not resolve and symptoms become more and more obvious you can get help of some you know at her work to get inside info


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## TheTruthHurts

No regrets - move forward. Did she appear guilty? What did she say about her dialog with her friend? About the distance?


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## Cynthia

I can imagine that game would put you over the edge. I'm sorry. Almost everyone does what you did, so don't beat yourself up over it.

You know she is an adulteress. You know your marriage hasn't been good. You know she is still lying to you. You know you don't want to live like that. Like you said, getting a PI probably isn't going to do any good. You don't need further proof to know that she is cheating.

Again, I recommend that you buy an e-book about divorce in your state and read it immediately. That way you will not be relying on an attorney for all the information. You will know what the procedures and the laws are. Set up appointments with a couple of attorneys and choose one who you feel comfortable with.

Do the 180. Here's a link to @Affaircare 's site: The 180 U Turn - Affaircare

Your wife is the one who has to make the moves to make this better. Do not worry about her becoming angry. She will use that as a manipulation tactic. You are the one who should be angry here, not her. She has been having sex with at least one other man. She is obviously really into it based on her purchases. She is continuing to lie about it. Until she comes clean and tells you the whole truth, you cannot move forward with her. Marriage is about doing life together and being completely honest with each other and having each other's backs. She's not doing any of that right now.


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## Goldfinger

curious234 said:


> Polygraph offer is promising. However go to a place of your choosing. Other posters with more experience may be able to comment on what to ask and the reliability/limitations of polygraph. still a question is why there has been no intimacy for a long time. Also work on your self improvement such as working out. PI (or your checking out all avenues mentioned by others above) still helps as the PI can monitor her leaving work at odd times


Thanks for the reply. I will definitely choose the examiner and talk to him specifically before the test. If she fails, then she's gone. Period. I'm not too worried about a lawyer right now since I have a prenump. I'm more concerned about keeping a marriage with the woman I love and mother of our two children IF it turns out she did some really dumb unfortunate things that looked really bad. 

The reason for the lack of intimacy that she claims is because she has current self esteem issues and thought I had little interest in her. That's the reason she claims she bought the lingerie and why she was aggressively sexual for a brief time. I am honestly guilty of not reciprocating after that period because that is when my suspicions started. She in turn claims that lack of reciprocating lead her to think I didn't want her so she shut down just as I shut down. Wearing the lingerie to work was supposedly some fantasy she conjured up about how she would come home from work and then seduce me right there but that didn't happen due to my mood, kids, etc. Convenient, I know. 

Still she reacted shocked by my statements and claims she would never be so selfish and ruin our family. The polygraph will hopefully bring closure one way or the other.


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## drifter777

You can afford a PI so stop the agony & drama of not knowing. These guys know how to catch a WW....


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## browser

I can't say she cheated but I cannot think of any other explanation for the facts that you have presented here.


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## TheTruthHurts

TheTruthHurts said:


> No regrets - move forward. Did she appear guilty? What did she say about her dialog with her friend? About the distance?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




Sorry wrong thread. The other thread is about a W who is entertaining cheating, if she hasn't already. Yours... IDK... some can lie through their teeth. VAR and PI right now might be good if she's scrambling to go underground 


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## Buffon06

This site is overflowing with stories about how a WW agreed to take a polygraph, and when the BH actually followed through, and they were in the parking lot ready to walk in for the polygraph, the WW would break down and make her confession before they even got out of the car.

So don't let her soften you up, and talk you out of the polygraph, even if she f*cks your brains out and promises you the moon. Be sure to be strong and follow through on the polygraph!


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## TDSC60

Now is the time to put a VAR in her car and another in any room where she goes to talk on her phone in private.

Since she knows you suspect something, she may be talking to OM or friends about how to hide and cover evidence.


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## Goldfinger

Buffon06 said:


> This site is overflowing with stories about how a WW agreed to take a polygraph, and when the BH actually followed through, and they were in the parking lot ready to walk in for the polygraph, the WW would break down and make her confession before they even got out of the car.
> 
> So don't let her soften you up, and talk you out of the polygraph, even if she f*cks your brains out and promises you the moon. Be sure to be strong and follow through on the polygraph!


She's not touching me until I have the results of the test. I already told her that we are not even going to discuss moving forward with our marriage until I see the results. Breaking down in the parking lot work's for me as either way I'll get resolution. From what I've read so far, polygraphs seem to be very accurate and they know if someone is trying to cheat them.


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## TDSC60

Goldfinger said:


> She's not touching me until I have the results of the test. I already told her that we are not even going to discuss moving forward with our marriage until I see the results. Breaking down in the parking lot work's for me as either way I'll get resolution. From what I've read so far, polygraphs seem to be very accurate and they know if someone is trying to cheat them.


Questions must be worded for Yes/No answers. Sometimes with an explanation preceding the questions.

Ex.

"For the purposes of this next question "sexual contact" means intercourse (vagina or anal), oral sex (given or received), manual manipulation of genitalia (given or received), kissing other than a quick hello or goodbye. Do you understand?"

Given the proceeding, have you ever had sexual contact with any person other than your husband since being married?


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## TheTruthHurts

And a key question, after providing a full written confession / timeline is whether the written confession documents ALL unfaithful activity (or whatever the poly guy says describes the behavior)


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## SunCMars

bandit.45 said:


> Gold finger I think you are on the right track. Bide your time and verify your suspicions. Say nothing to her. Be as sweet as pie. Don't let her suspect anything.
> 
> And when you gather your evidence, wrap it in a pretty bow and shove it up her azz....


Triggers me back to 1792, a very cold spring day in a stronghold at the Forth river.

I am a Bowman for Longshanks. I am the Guard that holds his purse strings tight to the Glens and Dales.

It was not quite light out. Very heavy fog covered the moors. I could hear bagpipes off in the distance. Barely audible to my young ears.

The sounds wafted off the hills. The sounds be off kilter, off tune.

I knew the source. Oh, Lordy I knew the source. It was Will a-comin for me throat. And they be wearing those Kilts, all in a row. Three Waves of Kilts. The Devil's band, they be.

The man playing the pipes. He was a burly Scot A six footer going 15 stones. A fierce warrior with the eyes masked off with soot and oil. A bandit by night, a bandit, playing the pipes this day. He carries a 45 inch long Scepter bound to his waist.

He will have no quarter with me. It will be off with my head. A stick shoved up me arse, for spite.


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## Lostinthought61

gold, make sure she is not looking up how to cheat a polygraph.


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## Graywolf2

By confronting you have done what I call "kicking the ant nest." She may be calling friends now to discuss her problems. You need to have a VAR under her car seat yesterday. You might hear her say that she has done nothing wrong or admit to her affair. NEVER tell her that you put it there. Never tell her anything you found out with the VAR unless you could have found out another way like friends saw them or you hired a PI.

LOOK HERE: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## stillthinking

Ok, so Plan A, not confronting, did not work out. No biggie, now its on to plan B.

VAR in her car. Why? By confronting her you have, as Sun Tzu said, "beaten the grass to rattle the snakes." You told her there will be no talk about moving forward until the poly is done. But women need to talk. Its how they process their thoughts. So she is going to need to talk to someone. You need to know what she is saying, and to whom.

If she uses a computer at home check the browser history and see if she has looked up how to beat a poly.

This question is the crux of the matter:


> have you ever had sexual contact with any person other than your husband since being married?


I would also ask if she has sent any pics of herself to anyone. She could be engaging in a online affiar. Pics, sexy messages, dirty talk etc. Maybe she does it from work. Takes pics of herself in the bathroom. Sends them via her cell phone. Then deletes them before she leaves the office. So cover that base also.


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## Tatsuhiko

^^^ Listen to stillthinking. VAR in the car is still very useful. Do NOT let her back out of the polygraph. You might find that her eagerness to take a polygraph was a ruse to throw you off the trail. It's a really bad sign if she starts to hem and haw about it, or express concern about the cost.


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## Young at Heart

Goldfinger said:


> Thank you for the time and advice. Resisting the urge to confront has/will be the hardest battle. I just want to scream WTF but at the same time I don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing how much I'm hurt. I'll check locally for a good PI and the VAR. I have nothing to lose right now by waiting it out. Thanks again.





Goldfinger said:


> ....I confronted my wife. I broke down emotionally.....I told her my information is pretty damning and I was merely informing her that I knew. Of course she denied everything.
> 
> .....HOWEVER, she agreed our marriage needs help and that she was willing to do whatever it takes to regain my trust and save it. She volunteered and wants to take a polygraph test as soon as possible. ........





Goldfinger said:


> Thanks for the reply. I will definitely choose the examiner and talk to him specifically before the test.* If she fails, then she's gone.* Period. I'm not too worried about a lawyer right now since I have a prenump. *I'm more concerned about keeping a marriage with the woman I love and mother of our two children IF it turns out she did some really dumb unfortunate things that looked really bad.
> *
> The reason for the lack of intimacy that she claims is because *she has current self esteem issues and thought I had little interest in her. That's the reason she claims she bought the lingerie and why she was aggressively sexual for a brief time.* I am honestly guilty of not reciprocating after that period because that is when my suspicions started. She in turn claims that lack of reciprocating lead her to think I didn't want her so she shut down just as I shut down. Wearing the lingerie to work was supposedly some fantasy she conjured up about how she would come home from work and then seduce me right there but that didn't happen due to my mood, kids, etc. Convenient, I know.
> 
> Still she reacted shocked by my statements and claims she would never be so selfish and ruin our family. The polygraph will hopefully bring closure one way or the other.





Goldfinger said:


> I already told her that we are not even going to discuss moving forward with our marriage until I see the results. Breaking down in the parking lot work's for me as either way I'll get resolution. From what I've read so far, polygraphs seem to be very accurate and they know if someone is trying to cheat them.



My heart goes out to you Goldfinger.

It doesn't matter if she had an affair.

What you need to do, is figure out what will make you happy. 

I think your marriage is in crisis and unless you get professional help, it will end soon.

Good luck, be strong for your kids they are what is important.


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## CuddleBug

Goldfinger said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> I am very troubled and sad that I am here and actually posting this in an effort to seek advice and wisdom in my marriage. I have been married to my wife for 12 years and together with her for 18. We have two small wonderful children. We are both financially successful and we hardly ever argue or fight. Sounds wonderful right? Well, it was but I now have the gut wrenching feeling that something is wrong.
> 
> We've always had a good relationship and a decent sex life. The sex dried up a couple of years ago and I thought nothing of it due to our young children and the stress and changes raising a family brings. I first became suspicious a little over a year ago. I pay our credit card bills sometimes and noticed she purchased a few items from Adem and Eve. No big deal. My wife is just exploring her sexuality which I thought could only help our relationship. Then I noticed a few purchases from Fredericks of Hollywood. Here's where it gets fuzzy for me. She never wore the lingerie for me and never told me about it. This didn't sit right with me as it didn't make sense so I paid more attention to it. I noticed she wore the lingerie to work sometimes including crotchless panties. I don't mean to be crass either, but I also noticed her panties would sometimes look like she was very excited during the day. She does the laundry so I'm positive she never thought I would notice. Now my hackles were up.
> 
> I searched our home computer and her cell phone and could not find any evidence of someone else. Yet, my wife would get dolled up for work and were lingerie underneath her business clothes only to come home and change out of them. She would not take a shower though as I looked for that. After a few weeks of when this all started, my wife became very sexually aggressive. She would put the kids to bed and come up with all sorts of kinky things. I honestly didn't know if I could keep up. I thought that maybe my wife was just reaching her sexual maturity since she is in her mid to late thirties. She also surprised me during this time when she all of a sudden out of nowhere started to deep throat (again I apologize for being explicit). Where does a women just learn a trick like that? She would also carry those small fresh breath toothbrushes that require no water or rinsing in her car. I never thought much of it until I started looking at the big picture.
> 
> During this time frame she started running and working out at home as well as using a Fitbit. My wife has always been very attractive and in good shape, just not super physically fit. As I said, I had my suspicions but could never find any concrete proof other then this circumstantial evidence. I was upset but decided to drop it.
> 
> Fast forward to today. Our sex life has been none existent for the past 8 months. Zero. I recently noticed that she once again purchased more lingerie from Fredericks over a month ago. She also has been getting wax treatments done for her bikini area. Once again, I have not been the beneficiary of any of these things. Our relationship is not very open and we really do not have much dialogue or open up to each other anymore. She doesn't even kiss me goodbye anymore and if she does it's on the cheek. All my past suspicions have come back and I just have that feeling in my gut.
> 
> I've tried to find evidence again but to no avail. If my wife is or did cheat it would have to be at work. She works at a very large company and has unlimited free time there. She could be gone for an hour and no one would question it. It is a rare occasion that I can ever get a hold of her at work and she usually, but not always, responds to my texts or voicemails after a few hours. She never works late or goes into the office at strange times. She guards her cell phone but does give me access to it. I searched through it last night and didn't find anything except a couple of strange numbers that were blocked from texting and FaceTime.
> 
> So that's where I am at. I have no real proof, just very suspicious behavior and a terrible feeling deep down. The bad part is is that my instincts are usually correct. I love my family very much. They are the most important thing to me in the world. I would suffer through a marriage to keep my children free of the pain that divorce causes. I just don't know where to go from her. I thought of confronting her, but realize that if she is cheating then she would just lie about it and take better steps to cover her tracks. However, the uncertainty is causing just as much damage. It is making me distant and cold. Do I have nothing to worry about? Should I investigate further? Should I confront her? I appreciate each and everyone of you for taking the time to read this and look forward to any advice or suggestions you may have.



I'd say she met a new guy at her work, she's interested in him, starts buying sexy underwear and other items, never tells you or wears it for you.

Then she becomes sexually aggressive and then the sex stops altogether.

She is now having sex with this guy.

To me its all red flags.

Definitely need a PI.

In the meantime, don't do anything and carry on as usual.

She is giving you excuses, I thought you weren't interested in me, so I bought the sexy underwear that she never told you about or wore?!

Almost guarantee you she is having sex with a co-worker. Get the polygraph!!!!

She doesn't kiss you anymore and got a bikini wax? She is doing this for another guy.

GO WITH YOUR GUT.


----------



## ZedZ

Fredericks, toys, waxed and you haven't seen or been any part of this...red flags plus the little guy on my shoulder is trying to task my head off.

Sorry dude...seems obvious ... (to me a least)


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## curious234

Like i said before if you know someone at your wife's office whom you think is receptive to problems like these, he or she can make an effective search. Even if you know them barely some people have strong opinions against adultary


----------



## arbitrator

*Your "gut instincts" are worth more than the proverbial pots of gold found at the ends of the rainbow!

Do "the 180" and hire yourself a PI and then start a dialogue with a good "piranha" family lawyer, and get fully advised of both your property and parental rights!*


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## Satya

Make sure the polygraph questions are gender-neutral. 

She may have denied and offered up herself for polygraph because she knows you're assuming she's cheating with a man. 

There have been plenty of betrayed men here who lost their wives to another woman.


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## Chaparral

You should still get a pen var from amazon or brickhouse security and hide in the bottom of her purse. 

Are you a stay at home dad? What do you do?


What you describe sounds like an affair or sexting. 

Did you originally cut her off or vice versa? In other words how did you end up in a sexless marriage in the first place? After she started being hyper sexual, you ended up
Cutting her off?


----------



## Taxman

Given your original post, do not back down on the polygraph. Unless everyone here has suddenly had a radar malfunction, there may be more than you know at this point. Be prepared for a parking lot confession. Schedule the poly and watch her reactions, ensure that the tester is someone that you have selected. Do this sooner rather than later. Keep an eye on her internet searches, looking for ways to beat a poly.


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## bandit.45

Goldfinger just know that there is nothing at all unique or special about your wife. She shows all the traits of a wayward ducking and dodging and running from the truth. It is not unheard of for a wayward to offer their spouse a lie detector test to see if that will get them to back off. You don't know, you might have well thrown her for a loop by telling her you wanted her to submit to one. Now just sit back and watch her. 

Don't talk with her so much about it. Ice her out, be cool and distant, and just watch what she does. Be Spock.


----------



## bandit.45

Chaparral said:


> *You should still get a pen var from amazon or brickhouse security and hide in the bottom of her purse. *
> 
> Are you a stay at home dad? What do you do?
> 
> 
> What you describe sounds like an affair or sexting.
> 
> Did you originally cut her off or vice versa? In other words how did you end up in a sexless marriage in the first place? After she started being hyper sexual, you ended up
> Cutting her off?


Way too dangerous. Women live in their purses and they know EXACTLY what they have in them. If she sees some strange pen that she knows she did not put in there she's going to look at it close and the jig will be up. 

A VAR under her car seat is the best and most infallible method.


----------



## Cynthia

bandit.45 said:


> Way too dangerous. Women live in their purses and they know EXACTLY what they have in them. If she sees some strange pen that she knows she did not put in there she's going to look at it close and the jig will be up.
> 
> A VAR under her car seat is the best and most infallible method.


:iagree:
I would know if someone put a VAR pen in my purse and I'm sure 99% of all women would.


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## SunCMars

stillthinking said:


> You told her there will be no talk about moving forward until the poly is done. But *women need to talk. Its how they process their thoughts*. So she is going to need to talk to someone. You need to know what she is saying, and to whom.



This @stillthinking guy is still thinking with his head.

You want to win a women over?

Here's the hows:

Sing to her. Women love music and musicians. They will open every thing they own to a Crooner.

Talk to her. Women love it when a man sings her praise in words. Tells her how beautiful she is, how smart she is. how good she is.....in the sack...in the kitchen....at work.

Women hear other voices a lot better then a man. She can hear things about what is valuable, what fashions are in style. Most commercials are aimed at the women audience. Why?
They listen....and they believe. They are groupies. Follow the groupies. 

They learn "what to like" from others. Others, making "their" case. 

When a women goes deaf.....she dies. She spirals into the ground and is neutered.

Now men are different. If you poke their eyes out.......... they will be blind, Oh Yeah, .....soon to be bland. A man without sight cannot harden to a world he cannot see. He cowers in permanent darkness.

Poor blind guy cannot harden to a naked women standing two feet in front of him. She had better douse herself in Cologne. And she better not be a cross dresser.

Now that I have pissed on everyone's Wheaties, I will crawl back under my rock!


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## moth-into-flame

Goldfinger said:


> Thanks for the reply. I will definitely choose the examiner and talk to him specifically before the test. If she fails, then she's gone. Period. I'm not too worried about a lawyer right now since I have a prenump. I'm more concerned about keeping a marriage with the woman I love and mother of our two children IF it turns out she did some really dumb unfortunate things that looked really bad.
> 
> The reason for the lack of intimacy that she claims is because she has current self esteem issues and thought I had little interest in her. That's the reason she claims she bought the lingerie and why she was aggressively sexual for a brief time. I am honestly guilty of not reciprocating after that period because that is when my suspicions started. She in turn claims that lack of reciprocating lead her to think I didn't want her so she shut down just as I shut down. Wearing the lingerie to work was supposedly some fantasy she conjured up about how she would come home from work and then seduce me right there but that didn't happen due to my mood, kids, etc. Convenient, I know.
> 
> Still she reacted shocked by my statements and claims she would never be so selfish and ruin our family. The polygraph will hopefully bring closure one way or the other.


The "I didn't think you were still interested in me" is a classic cheater's line. It's gaslighting 101. Re" her "fantasy"...I really, really don't think so.


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## moth-into-flame

The polygraph - very possibly a "what do I have to lose?" strategy. If she admits to an affair, she's busted. At least with a polygraph she has a chance. She's probably thinking "I can beat it", and if not, well, what more does she have to lose by taking it?

Interested to hear if/how the poly goes down. Don't cop out on it.

Also, listen to your gut. It's powerful. I didn't, and my ex wife was cheating on me. Subconsciously I knew it, but denial is a powerful thing.


----------



## Goldfinger

Thanks again for everyone's help and guidance. Although I must admit, none of it is making me feel any better. I talked to the polygraph examiner today and my wife will be taking the test this Wednesday. 

I went through her entire Facebook account last night and found nothing that would indicate anything. I even downloaded a copy of her Facebook data which I read will show all messages and photos even if they are hidden. Again, nothing bad. I went through her email account, phone texts, call logs, deleted voicemails, I tracked her favorite locations on her phone, etc. and still nothing that would indicate cheating in the slightest. Of course, there is always the chance of accounts I don't know about. 

As far as the timeline for a sexless marriage, it started after we had our 2nd child. It didn't stop but slowed down and I contributed it to we both were working hard and now had the added stress of raising two small children. I think this is actually pretty normal. So, as the sex slowed down, I didn't pursue my wife as much because I took it as a sign that she wasn't ready to go back to our "old ways". Maybe that's where I erred and she took it as a sign I was not interested in her. Anyways, after a little while she became hyper sexual and that is when I noticed the Frederick's purchases, etc. As I said, she wasn't showing me these purchases except one or two of them and my suspicions grew. That's when I found the rest and noticed that she wore some to work. That revelation was a punch to the gut and from there I distanced myself. I'm not the type of man who will actively seek sex with someone who might be betraying me. After the hyper sexual period, it slowed down and then stopped and that is where I am today. 

As bad as the evidence is, I have rationalized that it is possible she is faithful. However, I have not told her that and have been pretty cold around her. My lack of pursuit after our second child might have made her feel insecure. To try and counter that she buys sexy new things to improve our relationship. She becomes sexually aggressive hoping it will start the spark again, but then gets more insecure when I don't follow up and shut down because I find the other lingerie (which she doesn't know I found). It might be reaching, but it can't be ruled out either. That is why I can't wait for the polygraph which she still says she wants to take ASAP. I will speak to the examiner again and make sure we go over all the good points and wordings brought up here. 

I am hoping against hope the results are good and she is telling the truth. I really truly love this woman and want to be with her until I'm old and grey. If she cheated, then that can't happen. I have too much pride to be with someone who thinks so little of me. Especially someone I love and will always love. I'm holding out hope that she is telling the truth and my children will have a mother and father raising them together. Although that mother and father will need to do a lot of work for that to happen.


----------



## TX-SC

Goldfinger said:


> Thanks again for everyone's help and guidance. Although I must admit, none of it is making me feel any better. I talked to the polygraph examiner today and my wife will be taking the test this Wednesday.
> 
> I went through her entire Facebook account last night and found nothing that would indicate anything. I even downloaded a copy of her Facebook data which I read will show all messages and photos even if they are hidden. Again, nothing bad. I went through her email account, phone texts, call logs, deleted voicemails, I tracked her favorite locations on her phone, etc. and still nothing that would indicate cheating in the slightest. Of course, there is always the chance of accounts I don't know about.
> 
> As far as the timeline for a sexless marriage, it started after we had our 2nd child. It didn't stop but slowed down and I contributed it to we both were working hard and now had the added stress of raising two small children. I think this is actually pretty normal. So, as the sex slowed down, I didn't pursue my wife as much because I took it as a sign that she wasn't ready to go back to our "old ways". Maybe that's where I erred and she took it as a sign I was not interested in her. Anyways, after a little while she became hyper sexual and that is when I noticed the Frederick's purchases, etc. As I said, she wasn't showing me these purchases except one or two of them and my suspicions grew. That's when I found the rest and noticed that she wore some to work. That revelation was a punch to the gut and from there I distanced myself. I'm not the type of man who will actively seek sex with someone who might be betraying me. After the hyper sexual period, it slowed down and then stopped and that is where I am today.
> 
> As bad as the evidence is, I have rationalized that it is possible she is faithful. However, I have not told her that and have been pretty cold around her. My lack of pursuit after our second child might have made her feel insecure. To try and counter that she buys sexy new things to improve our relationship. She becomes sexually aggressive hoping it will start the spark again, but then gets more insecure when I don't follow up and shut down because I find the other lingerie (which she doesn't know I found). It might be reaching, but it can't be ruled out either. That is why I can't wait for the polygraph which she still says she wants to take ASAP. I will speak to the examiner again and make sure we go over all the good points and wordings brought up here.
> 
> I am hoping against hope the results are good and she is telling the truth. I really truly love this woman and want to be with her until I'm old and grey. If she cheated, then that can't happen. I have too much pride to be with someone who thinks so little of me. Especially someone I love and will always love. I'm holding out hope that she is telling the truth and my children will have a mother and father raising them together. Although that mother and father will need to do a lot of work for that to happen.


Have you discussed your feelings with her (aside from accusations)? Have you told her how much you love her and desire her? Perhaps, if no infidelity is found, you should consider talking more, spending more time as a family, telling and showing her how much you love and desire her. MC might be in order as well. 

If no infidelity is found, use this as a wakeup call to fix what is broken. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## OnTheRocks

I could never be comfortable one way or the other with just the results of a polygraph. I would not bet my family on it, that's for sure. There's a reason they aren't admissible in court. 

You should have kept your mouth shut and eyes open. She's now been tipped off that you are watching, and actual evidence will be that much harder to get or dig up.


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## eric1

I think it's a tough one but the poly test is a good sign atleast. Her story isn't so weird. 

I mean I buy stuff for myself that makes me feel good that nobody sees. I have those Under Armor compression shirts that I think that I actually look good in, but I don't normally break them out in general use mostly because I don't actually have a wonderful reason to do so.


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## bandit.45

Shoulda, woulda, coulda. 

What matters is that he listens to us and does it right from now on.


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## Tobyboy

Don't forget to ask if she ever sext or sent pics/videos of her to others in the poly. She might not consider that cheating, but it might be to you.


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## Thor

If she gives you some form of confession before the poly, don't cancel the poly.


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## TheTruthHurts

If she's being totally transparent, and doing and saying the right things, then you should keep a bit of an open mind. Women, it seems, don't take rejection very well. Many women on TAM have said this before. So I guess it is plausible, if you rejected her, that she would shut down.it doesn't make you wrong. But many women would behave this way.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## GusPolinski

Loads of red flags and an ill-advised soft confront.

OP, it sounds like you have access to your wife's cell phone. Have you attempted to run data recovery software against it?


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## azteca1986

Goldfinger said:


> She never wore the lingerie for me and never told me about it. This didn't sit right with me as it didn't make sense so I paid more attention to it. I noticed she wore the lingerie to work sometimes including *crotchless panties*.


How do you rationalise this?


----------



## BetrayedDad

Goldfinger said:


> I noticed she wore the lingerie to work sometimes including crotchless panties.





Goldfinger said:


> I have no real proof


I'm out. Either you are pulling our leg or you can see the forest through the trees.

The forest as in SHE IS 100% CHEATING ON YOU WITH SOMEONE FROM WORK.


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## re16

You need to get as much data as possible to see if any of the claims don't line up.

Are you sure she was actually going to work on the days she was wearing lingerie and crotchless panties out? Do you have access to her pay stubs and do they track accrued vacation?

I would look to see if she was burning up vacation time that you can't account for.

I think everyone here looking at some of the facts is thinking that there is no way she was wearing this kind of stuff and "looking like she got pretty excited during the day" based on your description of her lingerie afterward and she wasn't cheating.


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## Cynthia

Unless you normally check your wife's panties, you really don't have any idea whether the secretions on her panties are from being excited for simply being during her ovulatory phase. I read a book that explains what happens during different phases of a woman's cycle. During ovulation, a woman has different secretions that are supposed to help the sperm make it up to the egg. For some women, they have to wear panty liners.


----------



## OnTheRocks

CynthiaDe said:


> Unless you normally check your wife's panties, you really don't have any idea whether the secretions on her panties are from being excited for simply being during her ovulatory phase. I read a book that explains what happens during different phases of a woman's cycle. During ovulation, a woman has different secretions that are supposed to help the sperm make it up to the egg. For some women, they have to wear panty liners.


...so crotchless panties would be a great choice on those days!  :wtf:


----------



## browser

Goldfinger said:


> I am hoping against hope the results are good and she is telling the truth.


I don't think you understand why a polygraph test is taken. It has nothing to do with the results, which are unreliable and can be biased based on the examiners abilities, the test takers ability to deceive and a boat load of other factors. 

Don't expect to learn anything from the test itself. It's all about her reaction to the impending test. 

You schedule a polygraph hoping for a confession in the parking lot just before entering the building to take the test. Or in the days or weeks before. The fear and guilt and fear of exposure gets them talking, they'd rather you hear the edited truth from them beforehand, in their mind it's all about damage control and of course it only works if they think a polygraph test will expose them. 

If you haven't learned anything new by the time they plug in the electrodes, you probably never will.


----------



## GusPolinski

CynthiaDe said:


> Unless you normally check your wife's panties, you really don't have any idea whether the secretions on her panties are from being excited for simply being during her ovulatory phase. I read a book that explains what happens during different phases of a woman's cycle. During ovulation, a woman has different secretions that are supposed to help the sperm make it up to the egg. For some women, they have to wear panty liners.


I read ^this^, and all I could think was "crotchless undies".


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## Cynthia

I agree that she is cheating. The chances that she hasn't are remote, which is why it's hard not to believe the lies sometimes. Someone who loves his spouse wants to believe in her, so they take the chance that the crazy story could be true. I think polygraphs are helpful in these cases.

However, I don't think inspecting her panties is yielding proof of anything other than she is a woman. Unless he is aware of where she was in her cycle when he inspected the panties and he had been inspecting her panities for months and charting what he saw, he could not possibly determine that the panties were in said condition due to sexual excitement. It may have been a normal part of her cycle.

As far as the crotchless panties, that is some pretty strong circumstantial evidence. Did you wife ever wear these for you? How do you know how many pair she purchased? Most credit card statements show where the item was purchased and the total, not a detailed receipt.


----------



## OnTheRocks

browser said:


> I don't think you understand why a polygraph test is taken. It has nothing to do with the results, which are unreliable and can be biased based on the examiners abilities, the test takers ability to deceive and a boat load of other factors.
> 
> Don't expect to learn anything from the test itself. It's all about her reaction to the impending test.
> 
> You schedule a polygraph hoping for a confession in the parking lot just before entering the building to take the test. Or in the days or weeks before. The fear and guilt and fear of exposure gets them talking, they'd rather you hear the edited truth from them beforehand, in their mind it's all about damage control and of course it only works if they think a polygraph test will expose them.
> 
> If you haven't learned anything new by the time they plug in the electrodes, you probably never will.


I agree, but a smart person would scoff at the suggestion of a poly. They are junk science. A better test would have been to give you her phone on demand to run a recovery app. The good ones can pull up deleted texts etc. Then again, if you have to go there, your marriage is in serious trouble one way or another. Good luck.


----------



## eric1

In my experience the proof is on the mobile device 95% of the time.

It may be on work email or other work communication though. Coworker affairs are a pain to uncover. 

Also, poly tests are absolutely not junk science. They are not 100% but something is better than nothing. If she fails she's welcome to take a second.


----------



## OnTheRocks

eric1 said:


> In my experience the proof is on the mobile device 95% of the time.
> 
> It may be on work email or other work communication though. Coworker affairs are a pain to uncover.
> 
> Also, poly tests are absolutely not junk science. They are not 100% but something is better than nothing. If she fails she's welcome to take a second.


So you would divorce or reconcile based solely on the results of a poly?


----------



## stillthinking

> but a smart person would scoff at the suggestion of a poly. They are junk science.


I come from a military family. Many of my relatives have to submit to polygraphs on a regular basis to maintain their security clearance. Now a polygraph may not be the end all be all. But as far as the DoD is concerned they are not junk science.


----------



## eric1

OnTheRocks said:


> So you would divorce or reconcile based solely on the results of a poly?




I would not divorce or reconcile without the poly being one of the tools used to make my decision.


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## VladDracul

If she passes the poly, its as good of evidence you'll get that she's not cheating. Either make up you mind to cut her loose without the poly or stay if she passes and both the below are present;

1. Nothing you can hang your hat on that she's cheating and managed to pass the poly.

2. She starts putting out on a regular basis.


----------



## VladDracul

eric1 said:


> In my experience the proof is on the mobile device 95% of the time.


Proving again how stupid people are.


----------



## Thor

VladDracul said:


> Proving again how stupid people are.


And arrogant. They believe they are fooling their spouse and will never get caught.

It is amazing though how many times the cheater gets caught by some random event. The BS finds something while cleaning the car. A text message comes through at just the right time for the BS to see it. The BS comes home unexpectedly early and catches them in the act. I know many people who may or may not have had some gut feelings their spouse was cheating, but they were shocked when that random event happens. The cheater was getting away with it up until then.


----------



## browser

eric1 said:


> I would not divorce or reconcile without the poly being one of the tools used to make my decision.


I think you are foolishly putting too much weight on the polygraph test. Like I said it may be useful for scaring a guilty person to confess beforehand but if you get nothing in advance, then you are putting credibility into a test with known fallibility that is not accepted as evidence in most courts for that very reason.

Some people can beat a polygraph, don't believe me? Then Google it.

Innocent people can show up as guilty. 

At least take the time to educate yourself properly.

Here's a few links to get you started.


The Truth About Lie Detectors, Says David Lykken, Is That They Can't Detect a Lie

Polygraphs

http://www.apa.org/research/action/polygraph.aspx


----------



## nursejackie

My H did a poly and failed one of the questions "have you been unfaithful to your wife since married"....He passed the questions "have you commited adultery" and was unsure to "have you purposefully withheld information about sexual contact while married"

So...this is how it played out- for him adultery is PIV/oral and I believe he has not done that.
He has been unfaithful- he says this was due to him kissing someone he was dancing with several times while out of town and drunk.....we went for a 2nd poly to confirm this and the examiner declined to complete the poly saying H wasnt totally sure of how long ago this happened so it would come out inconclusive.

Barring a 3rd poly with a timeline that he actually can confirm I have no way of knowing if the suspected EA/PA was a PA nor do I know if it is still going on. 

There was some parking lot answers to specific questions I'd asked- had he deleted more texts than I already knew about-yes, had he been to her house more times than he had admitted to-no, had he used phones other than his own so i couldnt see the call log-yes... 

- the only thing I think I really know for sure is that he hasnt had PIV/oral with anyone else since married. I guess that is something.


----------



## Goldfinger

Hello Everyone,

The last few days have been crazy to say the least. I will start by saying my wife has been very cooperative with everything I have asked. She gave the logins and passwords to all of her accounts which included a few I didn't know about. I went through everything and again nothing bad was discovered. She has stood by her story that everything was all for us in an effort to re-ignite our relationship and that she was too insecure to go through with a lot of it. She claimed the crotchless panties to work one day was a failed attempt to photograph herself and send it to me in an effort to turn me on because she chickened out and couldn't do it. 

She was steadfast in wanting to take a poly. She did not flinch once from it. We argued last night about how ridiculous her arguments are and how cliche they sound. One or two red flags is excusable but the series and magnitudes of her red flags was inescapable in my mind. So off we went to take the polygraph. 

I will say I was very impressed by the examiner. He was a retired police sergeant with over 35 years of experience on the force who has performed well over a thousand exams ranging from criminals and spouses to every police candidate in his jurisdiction who needed to submit to a poly before they were hired. If polygraphs are good enough for the DoD and a hiring practice for every police officer, then I do not consider them junk science in the least. The examiner was also the instructor for other officers learning how to perform the exam. 

He took great time explaining how the poly works, what he will be doing, and how he will interpret the results and that there could only be three possible outcomes. Innocent, guilty or he doesn't know which he explained is very very rare. Everything is done on a modern computer, there is no such thing as the wavy bar graphs we all think of. One of the first things I asked was the degree of accuracy and he stated that the test ALL depends on how good the examiner is. He went on to explain what he does to make sure it is the best and most reliable test and that the opinion he offers is correct. He will not perform more than 2 exams a week because they are too exhausting. Examiners who churn through 4-5 a day are the ones who make a lot of mistakes in his opinion. 

We took over an hour in the pre-exam going over what the issues were and refining the questions to be asked so they encompassed every possible scenario. Every sexual possibility, gender, opportunity, and people involved were discussed and refined to make the best most concise questions that were properly worded. I was impressed with his thoroughness of making sure all the issues we had were covered. When my wife left to use the restroom before the exam started, he looked me in the eyes and sternly said she won't beat or trick him. 

The actual exam took over an hour as I sat in the waiting room. When it was over my wife came out and told me everything that happened and how weird and stressful it is. We sat for 15-20 minutes while I pondered our fate. He explained in the beginning that he takes longer because he forms his own opinion during the exam and does not rely on the computer algorithms. He will then double check his own findings to the computer to see if there is any discrepancy. I'm only writing this because I was impressed with his entire thoroughness and candor. 

He returned with the results and informed me that without a doubt my wife DID NOT cheat on me or have an affair, physical or otherwise, with anyone. He told me he would stake his reputation and credibility that my wife was telling the truth and I believe him 100%. At that moment a huge weight was lifted off me. My wife broke down and started crying. She was actually apologizing to me that I had to go through this and that she was sorry for doing dumb things that broke my trust in her. She was never once angry with me for going through all her private accounts, personal items, or accusations. We both agreed that we need to work on our marriage and get some couples counseling. 

I realize I'm a very rare and lucky individual and that most of the time the results would not be the same. I feel like an ******* now but still stand by my right to be suspicious. There were just too many red flags and their explanations were highly unlikely. There were a few other big red flags that came to light after my last post that made me even more sure she cheated. If anything, I hope my experience gives someone out there the knowledge that if there is no "smoking gun" then there is a possibility that your spouse is telling the truth. In no way does that diminish the pain and horror that many face when they find out an uglier truth. If you have suspicions or there are red flags, then you need to act on them and make sure they are either true or false. Don't ever settle for feeling bad in a replationship or turn a blind eye to suspicious behavior. It will eventually tear you apart. I guess even if the odds are 100 to 1 there still has to be that one. I was extremely fortunate and it's not realistic to think that will be the case every time. 

I now realize how dumb I was by not communicating with my wife. I shut down and she shut down. That only lead to suspicion creeping in and transformed things into red flags that could have been easily discussed. It's sad that my wife tried wearing lingerie to work to try and spark my interest in her, then chickened out and having her feel that she couldn't tell me about it. I'm equally to blame for fostering a marriage where we grew apart and creating an environment where we both felt we could not talk or open up to each other. No one wants to or should be in a cold lifeless marriage but it's up to both partners to work on it. I know I failed in that and realize we have a lot of work to do to rekindle the relationship we once had. I damn sure willing to try my best now that I can move forward. 

Thank you for everyone's helpfulness and insight. Even the guy who was talking about skirts. Lol. I really had no one else to talk to about this and posting here gave me a much needed outlet. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors.


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## browser

So are you going to go into sleuth mode and continue to monitor her for an affair or are going to accept the polygraph and the examiner who EARNS HIS LIVING off the test, as the ultimate word?

It sounds like you're going to dismiss your instincts and some obvious unexplained red flags and stick your head in the sand at your own peril.

I'm hoping I'm wrong.


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## Lostinthought61

Look Gold....this is opportunity for both of you to work on your communication skills, on your marriage, on your relationship.....what you have proven to her is that you will go to any means to discover if there is something wrong.....i think you both need MC but more importantly you need to get away just the two of you and reconnect...


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## Cynthia

I can see that you are obviously going to stick it out with your wife and you believe the results of the polygraph and your wife's explanation. This is a pretty crazy situation, but it looks like both you and your wife are prepared to resolve the dysfunction in your marriage. I hope that you stick around here and post. I have a feeling that your will be a success story.

The fact that your wife has not been defensive, but has agreed that what she did was highly suspicious and has been willing to do whatever you ask without hesitation, along with the fact that you have found nothing on her electronic devices, and that she passed the polygraph with flying colors seems to indicate that there is a lot of hope for your marriage.

How are you feeling about all of this?


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## Goldfinger

I'm feeling something wonderful for the first time in a long time Cynthia........hope. I made the the bad mistake of falling into complacency in my marriage. I gradually stopped complimenting my wife and making her feel special. She did the same and it lead us to just sitting in a room together and not talking. I know that is a bad spot for any marriage to be in and is probably why I started looking for reasons for our failure. 

As far as accepting the poly examiner's final word, yes I will. He actually does not make a living performing these tests. He's retired and does this to help his friend who is a PI. This was all done at the PI's place of business. He only comes in twice a week to perform a maximum of two polygraphs for the PI. Let's just say I do not believe money is his motivating factor. This guy earned a living as a cop and part of his duties were performing these tests on murderers, child molesters, and other scum. As well as his own brothers in uniform. I hear what you are saying but really don't think that is the case here. 

I completely agree with you that I should still be cautious and look for any more problems, but I do believe my wife told the truth. There are two possible outcomes to any of the red flags. Either she is guilty or she is not guilty. There is nothing and I mean nothing that completely rules one of them out. So by expanding on what Cynthia said, my wife was remorseful for allowing our marriage to drift, she was remorseful for making me feel bad. She never once refused to give me information that I asked for. She did not hesitate in the lead up or going through with the polygraph which she passed. I went through all of our phone records, tore apart her wardrobe, checked her GPS tracking in her cell phone and found nothing. Now I have to look at all the red flags. Is it possible that we started drifting apart and in an effort to stop that she became hyper sexual? Could she have bought lingerie and try new things to spark our sex life only to feel self conscious and back out of them? Could she have worn crotchless panties to work to text me about them and got excited at the "naughtiness" of it but then grew scared and backed out? I look at it and say yes, all those scenarios are very possible now given all the other facts I previously mentioned. I know that we were growing apart and I took these red flags as a reason to excuse that. Having a sexless marriage for 8 months can happen too. I lived it and it can spiral. Each partner starts to withdraw further from each other believing the other does not find them attractive or desire them anymore. It's a death spiral I think for some marriages but it doesn't automatically mean someone is cheating. After all I KNOW I did not cheat and I haven't had sex with anyone but myself for the last eight months so it is certainly feasible she has done the same. 

In the end, I love my wife and I love my family. I have a chance to try and make us even better now. Who knows what the future will bring, but as I said, now there's hope. I know I've been the happiest I've been in months the last few hours and it's because I'm actually talking with my wife again. A vacation sounds pretty good too.


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## Cynthia

Trust your gut. The scenario you laid out sounds implausible, but I think you know in your gut whether she is telling the truth or not. The fact that you feel a sense of relief and that your wife is eager to connect with you are both good signs. I know a lot of people will think it is silly that you have let go of your suspicions and fears, but I don't think so. I think you have done a thorough investigation and at the end of it all you have a wife who is telling you she loves you and is afraid of you rejecting her. From what you have posted, there is no malice in her. If there was, I might think differently about all of this, but as weird as it seems, I think you have found the truth and that your marriage is going to improve drastically after dealing with this crisis.


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## hallofgame2k17

Minus the "not getting any", I know what it feels like to have to have eyes in the back of your head. I've been married almost 16 yrs now and almost half of that time has been spent trying to figure out how and when my wife cheated(s) on me. I only know this. It has been a gut wrenching feeling for so long. I wish you the best of luck and hope all goes well for you and your kids.


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## stillthinking

We all read story after story on this site about how a suspected cheater says one thing and then another. Gets caught in one lie and then tries to cover it up with another lie.

I have to say its nice to have a positive outcome for once. 

I wish you all the best. I hope your marriage really improves becasue of this episode.


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## browser

Goldfinger said:


> After all I KNOW I did not cheat and I haven't had sex with anyone but myself for the last eight months so it is certainly feasible she has done the same.


You're not wearing crotchless underwear to work.


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## TheTruthHurts

.


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## jlg07

Goldfinger said:


> I noticed she wore the lingerie to work sometimes including crotchless panties.
> 
> ...
> She also surprised me during this time when she all of a sudden out of nowhere started to deep throat (again I apologize for being explicit). Where does a women just learn a trick like that? She would also carry those small fresh breath toothbrushes that require no water or rinsing in her car. I never thought much of it until I started looking at the big ...


This bothers me quite a bit. How did she just start to do deep throat? Those small tooth brushes make me think she was practicing that at work. ...


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## jlg07

I just read about the results of the poly. Congrats on this BUT I would still make sure you keep access to all of her accounts. Better to be able to verify. ....


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## TX-SC

jlg07 said:


> This bothers me quite a bit. How did she just start to do deep throat? Those small tooth brushes make me think she was practicing that at work. ...


There are probably videos she could watch. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## browser

TX-SC said:


> There are probably videos she could watch.


Yeah and I'll learn to play the piano just by watching a concert.


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## TX-SC

browser said:


> Yeah and I'll learn to play the piano just by watching a concert.


No, but you can learn to play piano by watching videos. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## WonkyNinja

Goldfinger said:


> The reason for the lack of intimacy that she claims is because she has current self esteem issues and thought I had little interest in her. That's the reason she claims she bought the lingerie and why she was aggressively sexual for a brief time. I am honestly guilty of not reciprocating after that period because that is when my suspicions started. She in turn claims that lack of reciprocating lead her to think I didn't want her so she shut down just as I shut down. Wearing the lingerie to work was supposedly some fantasy she conjured up about how she would come home from work and then seduce me right there but that didn't happen due to my mood, kids, etc. Convenient, I know.
> 
> Still she reacted shocked by my statements and claims she would never be so selfish and ruin our family. The polygraph will hopefully bring closure one way or the other.


I'm often in the camp of don't jump to conclusions but here it looks like a tiny little hop is all that's needed.

Wearing crotchless underwear to work would fly if she then came home and took the first opportunity to get you away from the kids, or suggested that you meet for lunch and then tease you with the info. If she was just trying it out she'd have bought just one pair.

Getting a bikini wax for someone you are not having sex with sounds doubtful. I've seen a couple of YouTube videos of ladies getting waxed, top half shots only, and never seen one shouting "Ohhhh, that tickles". I believe that most women have to have a real reason for doing that.

I wish you luck with the lie detector.

Edit: Just read forward and saw your lie detector results. I hope things work out for you.


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## EleGirl

I just deleted a thread jack about teaching dogs to deep throat.


Anyone who continues this thread jack and/or continues side discussions not relevant to the OP will get a time-out ban.

I'm not sure how anyone thinks that is line of discussion is supporting the OP. In the future, only reply to the OP. 

{speaking as a moderator}


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## nekonamida

I think the polygraph is correct. However, do not be too hard on yourself. Even the truth has most people scratching their heads at why in the world your wife was afraid to send you naughty pictures or why she didn't just talk to you at any point. There's a clear lack of communication going on that could benefit from therapy.


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## Dazedconfuzed

Goldfinger said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> I am very troubled and sad that I am here and actually posting this in an effort to seek advice and wisdom in my marriage. I have been married to my wife for 12 years and together with her for 18. We have two small wonderful children. We are both financially successful and we hardly ever argue or fight. Sounds wonderful right? Well, it was but I now have the gut wrenching feeling that something is wrong.
> 
> We've always had a good relationship and a decent sex life. The sex dried up a couple of years ago and I thought nothing of it due to our young children and the stress and changes raising a family brings. I first became suspicious a little over a year ago. I pay our credit card bills sometimes and noticed she purchased a few items from Adem and Eve. No big deal. My wife is just exploring her sexuality which I thought could only help our relationship. Then I noticed a few purchases from Fredericks of Hollywood. Here's where it gets fuzzy for me. She never wore the lingerie for me and never told me about it. This didn't sit right with me as it didn't make sense so I paid more attention to it. I noticed she wore the lingerie to work sometimes including crotchless panties. I don't mean to be crass either, but I also noticed her panties would sometimes look like she was very excited during the day. She does the laundry so I'm positive she never thought I would notice. Now my hackles were up.
> 
> I searched our home computer and her cell phone and could not find any evidence of someone else. Yet, my wife would get dolled up for work and were lingerie underneath her business clothes only to come home and change out of them. She would not take a shower though as I looked for that. After a few weeks of when this all started, my wife became very sexually aggressive. She would put the kids to bed and come up with all sorts of kinky things. I honestly didn't know if I could keep up. I thought that maybe my wife was just reaching her sexual maturity since she is in her mid to late thirties. She also surprised me during this time when she all of a sudden out of nowhere started to deep throat (again I apologize for being explicit). Where does a women just learn a trick like that? She would also carry those small fresh breath toothbrushes that require no water or rinsing in her car. I never thought much of it until I started looking at the big picture.
> 
> During this time frame she started running and working out at home as well as using a Fitbit. My wife has always been very attractive and in good shape, just not super physically fit. As I said, I had my suspicions but could never find any concrete proof other then this circumstantial evidence. I was upset but decided to drop it.
> 
> Fast forward to today. Our sex life has been none existent for the past 8 months. Zero. I recently noticed that she once again purchased more lingerie from Fredericks over a month ago. She also has been getting wax treatments done for her bikini area. Once again, I have not been the beneficiary of any of these things. Our relationship is not very open and we really do not have much dialogue or open up to each other anymore. She doesn't even kiss me goodbye anymore and if she does it's on the cheek. All my past suspicions have come back and I just have that feeling in my gut.
> 
> I've tried to find evidence again but to no avail. If my wife is or did cheat it would have to be at work. She works at a very large company and has unlimited free time there. She could be gone for an hour and no one would question it. It is a rare occasion that I can ever get a hold of her at work and she usually, but not always, responds to my texts or voicemails after a few hours. She never works late or goes into the office at strange times. She guards her cell phone but does give me access to it. I searched through it last night and didn't find anything except a couple of strange numbers that were blocked from texting and FaceTime.
> 
> So that's where I am at. I have no real proof, just very suspicious behavior and a terrible feeling deep down. The bad part is is that my instincts are usually correct. I love my family very much. They are the most important thing to me in the world. I would suffer through a marriage to keep my children free of the pain that divorce causes. I just don't know where to go from her. I thought of confronting her, but realize that if she is cheating then she would just lie about it and take better steps to cover her tracks. However, the uncertainty is causing just as much damage. It is making me distant and cold. Do I have nothing to worry about? Should I investigate further? Should I confront her? I appreciate each and everyone of you for taking the time to read this and look forward to any advice or suggestions you may have.


Been meaning to respond to this thread for a while - I hope I'm not too late and I'm not creating a zombie.

Glad to hear the poly came back positive. I think you can trust the results, as far as I'm concerned. The 'inexplicable' events and contexts of what happened definitely point to major issues in the marriage, I don't think they necessarily provide incontrovertible proof of infidelity. While infidelity *could* be the cause for those things, there are other causes as well, such as disconnection, fear, resentment, self-consciousness and poor communication.

Deep throating? There isn't much to 'learn' - it's more a matter of willingness than it is 'skill.' I've been with my share of women who 'deep throat' (including my own wife, when I'm lucky), and I don't know that any of them had to be taught to do it. Most women know that deep-throating is awesome for men, so they do it. It's not like it's something that takes practice, it just takes the desire to want to give a really good blow job.

Wearing lingerie to work? It's entirely possible that she did that to remind *herself* that she is sexual and sexually adventurous. You know how women swear up and down that they often wear makeup and dress sexy 'for themselves' and not for anyone else? This could be another example of that mentality. 

Maybe she thought wearing lingerie would turn her on to the point that she could overcome her reservations about having sex with you, who knows. I wouldn't put it past my wife to do something like that. She has bought lingerie in the past with the full intent of wearing it for me, but it took an almost herculean effort on her part to fulfill that intention. Her self-consciousness got the better of her many times before she finally had the nerve to wear it for me. Same goes for the various 'boudoir' photos she has taken from time to time - she sat on them forever before finally sharing them with me. 

And all that was when we had a active, exciting, 'open' sex life. No way she could work up the nerve to share those things with me whilst in the midst of a sexless marriage, even if she initially thought she might be able to. She takes any sexual rejection, of any type, really, really hard. She can sexually reject me or tease me about my bedroom behavior all she wants, but if I do the same to her, I'm the most insensitive jerk in the world. Women are weird like that...

Bikini waxing? Very likely the same as the lingerie. Maybe it just made her feel like she was still a sexual creature, maybe it was a way for her to confirm her own feelings of still being sexually desirable, to keep her connected to who she used to be and what she used to enjoy.

My marriage has been mostly sexless for five years. During that time, I have often shaved my ‘nether regions', despite there being exactly zero good reasons for doing so. Granted, shaving is less painful and expensive than waxing, but the motivation might be the same (and the process is still painstaking and laborious). I literally did it just for me. I felt better about myself for having done it. I felt like it was a way to keep at least some part of my sexual personae alive.

Since I can see what at least I think are viable, non-cheating explanations for her behavior, I would advise accepting the poly results as definitive and go to work dealing with the very real and serious sex/intimacy issues you and your wife are facing.


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