# not my perfect husband! he'd never do this!EVER!!



## Layla83 (Sep 21, 2011)

Oh man this is hard. Recently my husband got a job offer in a small town. I didn't want to move but had no choice in the matter as I was unemployed. I thought this would be the blessing we have been waiting for. 

He's job requires him to travel a lot and its usually with other people. 

Every now and then this particular colleague's name comes up and my intuition takes a turn for the worst but not my husband. No he adores me!

I got a phone call one morning from her husband saying we need to talk. I've never met this man. 

When he told me about the things that has been going on I felt likr he's talking about a stranger. 

He went out one night to collect some food at the pub for me and was caught kissing this woman. 

Also while they were away on business she told her husband that my beloved is driving her to the pharmacy at night!

He's been out drinking with this lady and her daughter. Buying them drinks even though he never took me for a drink in this town. I thought he's ashamed of me. I am over 10 years younger than him. I take good care of myself, I work out and eat healthy, wear make up daily. The woman he's having the affair with is nothing like me. He always spoke about how much he admires her work ethics and how she can stand up in a meeting and voice her opinions. I can't be that!

I only found this out 5 days ago so the wounds are still fresh as hell. 

I stay at home with our 2 toddlers and try my best to be a good wife! Hoe could he do this to me? 

He only admitted to kissing her at the pub. I just feel that it's the only time they got caught. Neither him or her are giving me details although he begged me to not give up on us. 

How could I trust him? They will be travelling staying over for days on their own multiple times. 

He promised me that it's over but something in him is different. He's kiss is different, he doesn't touch me. 

Maybe it's too early for me to expect to feel better. 

I'm caught in between deciding to give my marriage a second chance at the risk of being made a bigger fool if this affair don't stop. 

She has filed for divorce so she will be available soon. Am I a sitting duck? Do I stay and build a career for myself so when the bomb hits again I have something? Or do I leave with nothing and build it for myself without the pain? 

I'm angry in my mind but my emotions are almost non existing. I have not even shed one tear over this. I'm just shocked and numb.
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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Well, I think you'll find out soon enough you've come to the right forum. What you'll find is that the advice you will receive to save your marriage may initially seem counter-intuitive. But it all boils down to this.

Your husband must receive and accept significant consequences for violating his marriage vows and you have to be willing to end your marriage if he doesn't accept them; and demonstrate true remorse.

The first consequence is him eliminating all possibility of contact with this woman. Non negotiable. No matter what he has to do, no matter if he has to quit a job. If he agrees to that, please keep posting for next steps. If he doesn't agree, then everything else he should do doesn't matter. That leaves you with only one alternative - see paragraph two. 

And by the way, based on what you described; it's very obvious they've had sex.

Sorry you're here.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Your husband CANNOT CONTINUE TO SEE THIS WOMAN. He's addicted to her (not because she's better than you in any way, but only because she's new and exciting.) and continuing to see her will drive their bond deeper and cause a greater disconnect from you. 

If he doesn't agree to "no-contact" then you file for divorce. It probably seems to you that this would push him away from you, but it actually will make him face the harsh consequences of reality, and might kill the affair.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He isn't taking you for drinks in the town in case someone grasses him up to you.

Seek what information you can. Get the other woman's husband to give you as much information as he can.

Then seek legal advice. 

Roughly where are you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Layla83 (Sep 21, 2011)

badmemory said:


> Well, I think you'll find out soon enough you've come to the right forum. What you'll find is that the advice you will receive to save your marriage may initially be counter-intuitive. But it all boils down to this.
> 
> Your husband must receive and accept significant consequences for violating his marriage vows and you have to be willing to end your marriage if he doesn't accept them; and demonstrate true remorse.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your reply. 
So far he shows zero remorse. Its like I said I'm sorry for the kiss so now what. He even displays some annoyed patterns so I've stopped talking about it. The night I confronted him we slept together. I guess I needed to be validated and I regret it!!!

Now I find myself getting into sexier clothes day and night. I want him to want me but why am I the one trying and he is just continuing like nothing ever happened. He knows I'm broken and he says he will do whatever it takes to make this work. 
I logg onto he's email,I monitor he's chats. Is this really what I want? 
We've been together 10 years and I've left jobs 3 times for the sake of he's career. Am I crazy?
He doesn't say one bad word about this woman but rather is angry at her husband for 1 telling me and 2 for being a horrible husband to he's wife. Shifting the blame.

I don't know how to confront him outright again after he feels things are okay now. I need courage. 
My kids have a great life, go to private pre schools,loves their dad and gets spoilt by him. Do I upset their world for the worst?

Oh I'm so confused. In my heart of hearts I feel like more happened and I after I asked him how he feels about her he mearly said he likes her as a person. 
One day after the kiss and before I found out, she picked him up for a trip they were taking and he wanted to introduce me to her. That's just disrespectful but he says it isn't like that. 
Why am I suffering and they are perfectly okay?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

I just noticed you've been posting for awhile here. Lots of issues with your husband and the lack of affection and other problems with your marriage. Looks like there's a great chance he's been cheating on you for quite a while. I'm sorry, but this doesn't look good.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Sorry you are here. Your intuition is telling you not to trust you have the whole truth. You rarely get it straight away the first time.

Do some reading here and you'll see the patterns, you'll get tips on how to investigate and get the information he might not be telling you right now.

Her getting a divorce is a bad sign and them traveling together is disaster. 

More details about what her husband said would help. Who caught them kissing and under what circumstance? Do you have access to his cell phone records? Have you read up on exposure & the 180?


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## Layla83 (Sep 21, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> He isn't taking you for drinks in the town ib case someone grasses him up to you.
> 
> Seek what information you can. Get the other woman's husband to give you as much information as he can.
> 
> ...


I am so scared of leaving him because I've become so depended on him and its almost I can't stand the thought of leaving and them being together. Her in the same home as her. It's pathetic on my part. 
They work in one building and even though he knows how I feel he still calls to say he's going to work a little late. He's not even trying. 
I am in South Africa. I wouldn't know where to begin.
what if he gets the kids because he's more stable financially? Just so many questions. Ive almost always let him get away with emotionally manipulating me. I need to get stronger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Layla,

It is extremely unlikely, that grown adults would stop at kissing when they've had ample opportunity to do more. They're not in grade school. You should assume that it's a PA.

I'll say it again, if you want to consider R with your husband, he not only has to go no contact, he must be willing to send her a no contact letter that you review; and he must account for his time so that you can confirm the no contact. 

Right now, that's what you need to be concerned about and that's what you should demand immediately. That's step one if you want to consider R.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

So far you've rewarded your NOT so "perfect" husband. He's running this show and you are afraid to lose I'm. As long as that is the case he's going to a act like a single guy on the road or when out of your sight.


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## Layla83 (Sep 21, 2011)

kristin2349 said:


> Sorry you are here. Your intuition is telling you not to trust you have the whole truth. You rarely get it straight away the first time.
> 
> Do some reading here and you'll see the patterns, you'll get tips on how to investigate and get the information he might not be telling you right now.
> 
> ...


I do not have access to he's cell records or bank account statements. The one thing he said was that he's daughter came home drunk one night with he's wife and when he asked her she said my husband entertained them. My husband denies this and says he bought them one drink. I didsome snooping and found a slip for that night where he spent a lot of money. Why is he lying? 
Her husband also mentioned a few things. Basically they went on this first trip together. After she came home she immediately filed for divorce. My husband says he mearly talked to her about her marital issues and told her she deserved better. 
Also they went to the pharmacy at 8 at night. My husband's version is they were there with one car and she needed anti-inflammotories. 
My husband use to never let me out of he's sight but recently he has been insisting on spoiling me with a trip to visit my mom on her birthday 16 hours away. Her husband is going away the samr time. My husband says he didn't even think about that. He was just thinking I miss home. 
She didn't sleep with her husband after the trip. 
Just writing this out makes me realise it could not only have been a kiss.
I can't even remember half of what her husband said. I was just shakingly angry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Layla83 (Sep 21, 2011)

Cubby said:


> I just noticed you've been posting for awhile here. Lots of issues with your husband and the lack of affection and other problems with your marriage. Looks like there's a great chance he's been cheating on you for quite a while. I'm sorry, but this doesn't look good.


I have been thinking the same thing. I never thought he was a cheater but now looking at us having sex once a month throughout our marriage makes sense. 
Why does he want to commit suicide every time I want to leave then? Just let me go. I think it's he's ego I'm not even sure
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Them working in the same building should not be acceptable to you. If he doesn't figure out a way to end that situation, you have to be willing to end your marriage. It's just that simple.

Right now your attitude should be that you're heading for divorce. If he turns around then you can re-consider, but he *has* to understand what it's like to lose his wife for cheating on her. 

Contact an attorney and start the process no matter what he does. You can always reconsider if he turns around later. Hopefully, that will get his attention. Use your anger to fuel your resolve. I said it was simple, but I understand it's not easy.

You can't nice him back. It's time to play hard ball.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Look, this man has shaved your head, and done other things to you over your marriage. If he is not cheating on you I am a monkey's uncle.

In all your other posts you write about a marriage that is not good. My SIL is from SA, her, my BIL and their family has spent many years there and just recently moved her mother back to the USA as she is now elderly, sold her properties, etc. 

Even if your husband is not cheating on you your marriage has been poor for years.


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## JohnC_depressed (Dec 6, 2012)

Perhaps the cultural norms in South Africa are different than in the USA; however, I do not think he is being fair to you and may be too involved with this women. Sorry.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Layla83 said:


> I am so scared of leaving him because I've become so depended on him and its almost I can't stand the thought of leaving and them being together. Her in the same home as her. It's pathetic on my part.
> They work in one building and even though he knows how I feel he still calls to say he's going to work a little late. He's not even trying.
> I am in South Africa. I wouldn't know where to begin.
> what if he gets the kids because he's more stable financially? Just so many questions. Ive almost always let him get away with emotionally manipulating me. I need to get stronger.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is why you need to seek legal advice. 

My brother lived in South Africa for a while. His kids were telling me all about the robots on the road junctions!


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Layla83 said:


> I do not have access to he's cell records or bank account statements. The one thing he said was that he's daughter came home drunk one night with he's wife and when he asked her she said my husband entertained them. My husband denies this and says he bought them one drink. I didsome snooping and found a slip for that night where he spent a lot of money. Why is he lying?
> Her husband also mentioned a few things. Basically they went on this first trip together. After she came home she immediately filed for divorce. My husband says he mearly talked to her about her marital issues and told her she deserved better.
> Also they went to the pharmacy at 8 at night. My husband's version is they were there with one car and she needed anti-inflammotories.
> My husband use to never let me out of he's sight but recently he has been insisting on spoiling me with a trip to visit my mom on her birthday 16 hours away. Her husband is going away the samr time. My husband says he didn't even think about that. He was just thinking I miss home.
> ...



Yes, I'm sorry there seems to be much more to this story. Her Husband has no reason to lie to you. His wife has made her choice. He knows enough to think you need to be clued in.

The trip to visit your mom is a sham, you know that.


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## jnichk76 (Nov 4, 2013)

Layla83 said:


> I have been thinking the same thing. I never thought he was a cheater but now looking at us having sex once a month throughout our marriage makes sense.
> Why does he want to commit suicide every time I want to leave then? Just let me go. I think it's he's ego I'm not even sure
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did you decide to stay or leave?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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