# Normal routines



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

It is amazing the comfort I get by logging onto this forum to talk. I feel like I'm surrounded by friends while I struggle with post divorce life.

I feel like lately with my gf I put to much into doing normal things together. We went grocery shopping together last night, while hungry and tired. It was tough for us to agree on things even with a list lol. She at one point said shell just buy her own food.

Now this happens and I get too much into my head thinking that thus little incident is a microchasm of our relationship when it's nit.

How dud others deal with developing these routines with a new partner?


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Why do two people need to go shopping together? Eh, I don't see it as quality time unless you both love cooking and are brainstorming on a meal in a positive frame of mind.

We've told you, Proudwidaddy - (I always read this as P-diddy in my head - ha) if you have to try THIS HARD so early on, it just isn't working. Relationships get harder, not easier. It is a chasm.

One go shopping with the list while the other does household chores. Then when the groceries are put away everyone can have relaxing quality time. Much better IMO than both shopping, both working on the chore of the night and then having no relaxing quality time. It's different if errands mean quality time chatting in the car, but most stores aren't that far. Not much time for meaningful conversation.

That being said, since I have a daughter, I have been hesitant to live with anyone. I've had 3 LTR of approximately 9 months (that must be the make it or break it point) in the past 10 years. No way will I move a guy in until I've dated at LEAST a year, probably more like a year and a half. Never a sleepover while she's here. I don't want her to think relationships are disposable and I won't live with anyone unless we are engaged to marry.


----------



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Enjoli I love reading your replies. Just to clarify something my gf and I have been dating 19 months but living together the past 3.

I get what you mean about dividing up the chores. ..makes sense
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> Enjoli I love reading your replies. Just to clarify something my gf and I have been dating 19 months but living together the past 3.
> 
> I get what you mean about dividing up the chores. ..makes sense
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ah, sorry - wasn't trying to be 'judgy' about living together but I guess I was. Whoever is the main 'cook' should buy the food. If it's her and you have specific requests, let her know. When she comes back, help carry them in and tell her thanks for getting Doritos, babe!

Meanwhile you cleaned out the fridge and got rid of spoiling food, ran/unloaded the dishwasher and wiped the counters. Much better that you are both done at 7pm than just getting home at 7pm and STILL have chores - how much quality time is in shopping together and then you unloading the dishwasher while she cleans out the fridge?

To me that's a huge benefit of a relationship. Divide and conquer then you have more time for each other.

If I date, I STILL have to mow, home repairs, clean the whole house, buy all of the food, do all of the cooking and all of the laundry. If I have a live-in partner, I only have to do about 65% considering we split the chores 50/50 but logistics dictate more food/cooking/dishes/laundry so regardless of the chore, an extra person does result in extra work but if the work is split in half, it's still less work over all.

I'm rambling now.


----------



## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Proud, 

I might be off base here but you've shared a lot of questions with this forum lately and that is awesome, but everything is about the girlfriend and the kids. Where's the "me" time in all of this? You seem to be working SO hard to please gf and please your kids. But, are you really happy in all of this. Are you afraid of losing your gf? One thing I learned from my divorce is that I will never be afraid of losing someone again. It's good to work at a relationship but it is also unhealthy to lose yourself in it. 

Maybe I'm rambling here, too. Hard to put my thoughts into words tonight.


----------



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Paradise,
I appreciate your straightforwardness with asking if I'm happy in all of it. The answer is a resounding yes. I use this forum as a way to get therapy from others who have been down this road as well. 

I'm trying to adapt in this post divorce life. The GF and I had an amazing talk last night as well. I told her that I will be able to compromise on things but I will never be a doormat like I was towards the end of my marriage.

I'm not afraid to be alone, I just know my life is better with my gf in it.


----------



## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> Paradise,
> I appreciate your straightforwardness with asking if I'm happy in all of it. The answer is a resounding yes. I use this forum as a way to get therapy from others who have been down this road as well.
> 
> I'm trying to adapt in this post divorce life. The GF and I had an amazing talk last night as well. I told her that I will be able to compromise on things but I will never be a doormat like I was towards the end of my marriage.
> ...


:smthumbup: Awesome response. I don't post much and when I do it usually is because something is just not sitting well with me and I'm trying to negotiate it which is a far cry from what I feel on a daily basis so I understand completely. 

As long as you feel gf enhances your life then that is really all we can hope for, right? Hope to one day have that in my life as well.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

When the GF moved in one rule was established. I DO NOT SHOP. She loves to do it so I don't go.

Works beautifully. Maybe give that a try and divide up the household chores fairly


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

I would suggest reading "The 5 Love Langauages"...

Pretty good basic read about how people like to be loved and how to determine the best way to do it.

My GF and I love to be with each other. Not just happy time, but basic time as well. So we compliment each other.

I agree that it shouldnt be so hard to be with a GF and Paradise has a point.

But I will say that going shopping when you are both hungry is a recipe for disaster in almost anyones book.
We did it a few times and the end result was usually her putting her hands on the cart and saying "Okay. We need to finish this.".

She's done.


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

As for grocery shopping we have the app "Our Groceries" loaded on our smart phones. (I have Android and she has IPhone) We then share the grocery list.

As the week goes on and we think of something we want from the store, we just add it to our phone. The item then goes to the other phone too. Then if either of us goes to the store, we know what the other wants.

I usually do the shopping and this works great for us.


----------



## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> I would suggest reading "The 5 Love Langauages"...
> 
> Pretty good basic read about how people like to be loved and how to determine the best way to do it.
> 
> ...



The book is great , two versions of it. One for couples and one for singles. I have read them both and will again. Very helpful in figuring this dichotomy out. 

In hindsight, I should have put the same effort into saving my marriage versus surviving the divorce... Ah Life... Benefit I am learning and growing.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

dajam said:


> The book is great , two versions of it. One for couples and one for singles. I have read them both and will again. Very helpful in figuring this dichotomy out.
> 
> In hindsight, I should have put the same effort into saving my marriage versus surviving the divorce... Ah Life... Benefit I am learning and growing.


I ahve always told my ex-wife that if she put 1/4 of the energy she spent running away from things that we would never have gotten divorced and we would have the marriage that people envy.

But you cant control anyone but yourself...


----------



## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

SamuraiJack said:


> I ahve always told my ex-wife that* if she put 1/4 of the energy she spent running away from things that we would never have gotten divorced and we would have the marriage that people envy*.
> 
> But you cant control anyone but yourself...


:iagree: with the bold part so much. 

I don't have a full time partner yet after my divorce, so the routine thing is not something I can speak to. I do agree that logging in here has been a great help before, during, and after my D. There are a lot of good people that actually try to help and give good advice.


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

SamuraiJack said:


> I ahve always told my ex-wife that *if she put 1/4 of the energy she spent running away from things that we would never have gotten divorced* and we would have the marriage that people envy.
> 
> But you cant control anyone but yourself...


I've thought this many times myself.

However, the fact is she didn't. That tells you who she is and it is the "why" it didn't work out.

It's not a good characteristic in a life partner.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm struggling to understand how you can have such a disagreement about groceries... What's there to disagree on? You need ketchup or you don't. You need milk or you don't...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

PBear said:


> I'm struggling to understand how you can have such a disagreement about groceries... What's there to disagree on? You need ketchup or you don't. You need milk or you don't...
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Heinz or Hunt's? I cannot be with a Hunt's person. Boundaries!!


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Ceegee said:


> I've thought this many times myself.
> 
> However, the fact is she didn't. That tells you who she is and it is the "why" it didn't work out.
> 
> It's not a good characteristic in a life partner.


So I have discovered


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> When the GF moved in one rule was established. I DO NOT SHOP. She loves to do it so I don't go.
> 
> Works beautifully. Maybe give that a try and divide up the household chores fairly


My GF loves to run errands (WTF is wrong with her??). She gets my lists of things that I would probably procrastinate on till the last minute, and when she comes back she's all smiley.....your welcome babe.

I make it up to her by moving her furniture around and illegally downloading all her TV shows....and by being a sex god.


----------



## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> I've thought this many times myself.
> 
> However, the fact is she didn't. That tells you who she is and it is the "why" it didn't work out.
> 
> It's not a good characteristic in a life partner.


Bam! Spot on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

