# How do I stop 'the thoughts'



## jamie323 (Jan 18, 2012)

Im not sure if everyone has read my story, but I caught my wife cheating 'in person' with another guy. She is living at her parents house now, has a kid from another relationship who I love (and she wont let me see).

Even though I have filed for divorce, I keep having thoughts about her with another guy. I lay at home in bed alone and think about what they might be doing together. How I used to be hers and hers only - now another man has filled that role. Even though I don't think I could ever take her back, I feel so sick to my stomach sometimes I come close to throwing up. She is cold as ice to me now, and I feel miserable. I have begun trying to move on, working out, running, doing things I love - but I cant seem to get the thoughts out of my head.. I think of someone else touching her like I should be, and it makes me cry. Something as simple as shopping at the store makes me think of us all together in the supermarket, as a family and I break down. I miss her and what used to be 'our' son. Im not sure how to handle it, and feel myself sliding into a deep depression.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I am so sorry you are stuck in the hellhole of thoughts about your wife. Realize this is all normal thinking right now-and feel what you need to but don't get stuck. Are you in counseling to work through this or considering it? For me, I needed it and still do. When a family breaks up like that, it is so hard.

It is very selfish of her not to let you see her child. If you had a good relationship, only the child suffers. But it isn't on you, it is on her. Sad because then you are feeling a double loss. 

You need to take care of yourself right now and know these feelings are going to get better. Vent to family and friends or come here.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well if exercise isn't working see a doctor or get IC, being on meds temporarily may help you out or therapy can help you work through the grieving process


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Start new hobbies and meet new people. Start working out. Don't let her control your emotions. Regarding the kid, what else did you expect from this woman ? It is better in the long run though. Stop contact with this woman. Her behavior is not surprising at all. She checked out long before.

As cliche as it sounds, your new memories will soon replace the older ones and it wouldn't be as painful as it is now. You will move on. What else is going on in your life right now ?


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## WalkingInLight (Aug 14, 2012)

jamie323 said:


> ...I keep having thoughts about her with another guy... I feel so sick to my stomach sometimes I come close to throwing up... I cant seem to get the thoughts out of my head.. Im not sure how to handle it, and feel myself sliding into a deep depression.


Who Switched Off My Brain? Revised: Controlling Toxic Thoughts and Emotions: Caroline Leaf Ph.D.: 9780981956725: Amazon.com: Books


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## jamie323 (Jan 18, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Start new hobbies and meet new people. Start working out. Don't let her control your emotions. Regarding the kid, what else did you expect from this woman ? It is better in the long run though.


All she has ever done is shift blame to me because I 'wasn't paying enough attention to her'.. she said that she didn't want me to see her kid because I 'ignored him once, and she wouldn't do that to him again'. Which makes no sense, because I was always there for both of them. She is trying to rewrite history to fit.

No, I don't want her back, but I am so weak right now if she were to come to me and show true remorse I would probably try and work it out.. However, she has shown no remorse whatsoever - just distance. She even said she is much happier now than she has been in quite some time. 

I've been working out and doing new things - but I still cant stop my mind from crushing me at times.. Sometimes I'm fine - other times I just feel like sleeping. The fact that she said no, you cant see the boy really was a kick in my b&lls.


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## bearman (Sep 20, 2012)

Thoghts like yours cross my mind as much as yours, deversions help, hobbys, its hard to remain focused for me . about the only thing that has helped me recently was someone saying... you cant control someone elses actions ..only your own.. sure it hurts for me every day is a personal hell . right now one day at a time is best.I control what I feel even when it hurts , so i hardened my heart a little tward her , for me it helps with the pain. you are stronger than you think.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

She is happier now? Great-let her go. 

You will get through this; and you have to to live.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

First of all shut her off do not try and talk with her. No calls No emails it will be hard I know.

It sounds like you still have feelings and would like to R but it does not sound like it is in the cards at least right now.

I would get into IC right away. It helped me a great deal. I had some real anger issues. I never took it out on her but I sure wanted to beat someone up. The batting cages helped me the most.

Try your best not to get into bed until you are really tired. laying awake in a dark room will not help. 

Best of luck and I am sorry you are here.


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## jamie323 (Jan 18, 2012)

mahike said:


> First of all shut her off do not try and talk with her. No calls No emails it will be hard I know.
> 
> It sounds like you still have feelings and would like to R but it does not sound like it is in the cards at least right now.
> 
> ...


Believe me, I have struggled with not physically pummeling her new guy. However, I'm smart enough to know that would ruin me and do nothing to him other than give him some bruises. I think I may get a heavy bag that I can punch the he!! out of. I haven't been drinking at all, because I know that would make it worse.. 

I am trying the 180 - I don't tell her I love her, don't talk about our marriage or future or anything. (Im waiting for the surprise of her getting served). I got a temporary roommate to help supplement the income (female - not a love interest) and I told the stbxw about it and she was like 'where did you meet this woman??' like she was jealous. Ive been distant but not cold and uncaring. One night it was raining and I knew she was going to be driving in it - I told her to drive safe - but she didn't even respond. She never volunteers information, and even if I ever ask about anything in her personal life - she ignores it. A couple weeks ago I asked her a simple question about whether or not she saw a specific movie and she called the question 'invasive'. She accused me the other day of spying on her - of reading her email and hacking her Facebook this month. (I havent spied on her in a long while and have never hacked her Facebook). One problem I have, is that I always answer her texts or calls immediately and told her a while back that I missed 'us'.. I felt stupid after saying it, because I know that just empowered her.

Should I just go completely no contact now? Or should I continue trying the 180 - is it sort of seems to be driving her a little crazy..


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why are you even in talking terms with her? Go completely dark on her. No nothing. You don't even have kids. You are really lucky and you don't realize it.



> She even said she is much happier now than she has been in quite some time.


How else would she justify the affair ? Just let her go!! She told you that to hurt you and obviously it worked.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

You just gotta stop talking to her, youll slip up, but eventually an hour will turn into 2, then a day, then a few days, its just part of the process. 

Im right there with you at still struggling how to disengage, its hard, damn near impossible.


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## jamie323 (Jan 18, 2012)

StagesOfGrief said:


> You just gotta stop talking to her, youll slip up, but eventually an hour will turn into 2, then a day, then a few days, its just part of the process.
> 
> Im right there with you at still struggling how to disengage, its hard, damn near impossible.


You are right.. I just need to stop talking to her. If she texts me about anything other than her giving me money for some bills she owes, I'm not talking to her. I know talking to her just makes me miserable and makes me seem weak. She will get over the OM soon enough, and when she realizes what a mistake she has made, I will be gone - and she will just be another single mother..


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

jamie323 said:


> You are right.. I just need to stop talking to her. If she texts me about anything other than her giving me money for some bills she owes, I'm not talking to her. I know talking to her just makes me miserable and makes me seem weak. She will get over the OM soon enough, and when she realizes what a mistake she has made, I will be gone - and she will just be another single mother..


Yeah, i feel you man. My STBXW has a 4 year old girl from a previous relationship and I loved her like my own, so I understand a lot of what youre going through, and it sounds like were in about the same spot. 

She will be served shortly, but she only woke up after she realized I wasnt joking that I'd leave. For me, thats not a wife I want to have. Shouldnt have to play a game to make your wife know what she wants. 

Good luck, you can do this!


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

yes stop talking with her completly. She sounds like things are still going with the POS OM. She is in the fog. Not talking with her and letting her get served is the best thing you can do right now.

The one thing you really have to think out is what do you do if she wants to R when things go south with the POS and the divorce hits her like a sledge hammer. You need to know what you want and think about how you want to play it. Your emotions will be all over the place


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## Little Bird (Jan 16, 2012)

Yes, continue with the 180.
It's good that you have a roommate now (and potential friend), but be very careful not to make her a 'rebound' of any sort - you don't need more drama at the moment!

You can get through this 

Keep up with the running and working out, and focus on you.

As for the kid... has she stopped all contact? Can you not even talk via phone? If this is the case and you're missing him terribly, you could send a gift for him and prompt the child to ask for you, but this might just upset the kid if he's missing you a lot. I know it sucks to hear, but you might have to prepare for the worst for the time being (as in accepting you may never get to be his father figure again).


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## jamie323 (Jan 18, 2012)

Little Bird said:


> Yes, continue with the 180.
> It's good that you have a roommate now (and potential friend), but be very careful not to make her a 'rebound' of any sort - you don't need more drama at the moment!
> 
> You can get through this
> ...


I haven't talked to her parents in over a month either... I have been wondering if I should just send them a text to say hi, and to hope they are doing well.


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## jamie323 (Jan 18, 2012)

Im gonna go out to a concert tonight - I think that will be good..I havent been going out a whole lot. I cant just coup myself up in the house and at work.. Thanks for the advice everyone. Ill check out that 'toxic thoughts' book.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

For me the thoughts never stopped until I made an emotional connection with somebody else.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

jamie323 said:


> Im not sure if everyone has read my story, but I caught my wife cheating 'in person' with another guy. She is living at her parents house now, has a kid from another relationship who I love (and she wont let me see).
> 
> Even though I have filed for divorce, I keep having thoughts about her with another guy. I lay at home in bed alone and think about what they might be doing together. How I used to be hers and hers only - now another man has filled that role. Even though I don't think I could ever take her back, I feel so sick to my stomach sometimes I come close to throwing up. She is cold as ice to me now, and I feel miserable. I have begun trying to move on, working out, running, doing things I love - but I cant seem to get the thoughts out of my head.. I think of someone else touching her like I should be, and it makes me cry. Something as simple as shopping at the store makes me think of us all together in the supermarket, as a family and I break down. I miss her and what used to be 'our' son. Im not sure how to handle it, and feel myself sliding into a deep depression.


My psychologist made me buy this book. It has a lot of different exercises in it, it may help:

The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Give me her information and I will destroy both of them for you.


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## jamie323 (Jan 18, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> Give me her information and I will destroy both of them for you.


Huh?


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

I am so sorry for your pain. I know how horrible it is. It gets better with time.


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## jamie323 (Jan 18, 2012)

I wonder about something: The guy works for a union. They met on the job. Do you think if I notify the union they can screw him over in any way?


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

these guys are giving you good advice man, I know it hurts like hell, I know the mind movies and torment that your going through. I also know that you've been told over and over again, time heals all wounds. But its the truth dude, you just got to push through it, take warlocks advice, go dark, dont talk to her, dont email, dont stalk her on facebook, forget her, months from now, you'll look back and see that your better off, now its hard to accept, but its true, best of luck bro.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

jamie323 said:


> I wonder about something: The guy works for a union. They met on the job. Do you think if I notify the union they can screw him over in any way?


To me this is exposure in the lines of going nuclear on the affair in an effort to save the marriage. Do they still work together? Sorry i forget all the details of your story. 


If this is just for revenge and you have no intention of getting back with your wife, then let it go, its not worth it...you're just torturing yoruself. Work on how to make yourself better and more fulfilled, rather than worry about how to f*ck up someone elses life. 

I get it though. I almost did something similar.


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## jamie323 (Jan 18, 2012)

StagesOfGrief said:


> To me this is exposure in the lines of going nuclear on the affair in an effort to save the marriage. Do they still work together? Sorry i forget all the details of your story.
> 
> 
> If this is just for revenge and you have no intention of getting back with your wife, then let it go, its not worth it...you're just torturing yoruself. Work on how to make yourself better and more fulfilled, rather than worry about how to f*ck up someone elses life.
> ...


I guess you are right.. it would just be revenge.. I think the best revenge would for me to better myself, and when her relationship fails and she comes back to me, I can tell her to pound sand.


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## jamie323 (Jan 18, 2012)

Lordhavok said:


> these guys are giving you good advice man, I know it hurts like hell, I know the mind movies and torment that your going through. I also know that you've been told over and over again, time heals all wounds. But its the truth dude, you just got to push through it, take warlocks advice, go dark, dont talk to her, dont email, dont stalk her on facebook, forget her, months from now, you'll look back and see that your better off, now its hard to accept, but its true, best of luck bro.


Unfortunately I actually saw them physically in the act.. so the mind movies are much more vivid for me.. I just cant believe we all hung out together like there was nothing going on. before I knew any better. The guy was even at our house - before DDay. My gut was telling me things werent right with the guy - and that he was chasing her.. I mean he was chasing too.. I told her, she made light of it... Im sure she loves the feeling of being chased and put on a pedestal. I cant think of any other reason she would destroy the family for a tingle from a POS like him.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

I think whitemousse is offering to use the internet to hurt her like she hurt you, AND him. He wants to know names, addys, workplaces and any other dirt you can think of. How deliciously vengeful!


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## jamie323 (Jan 18, 2012)

kipani said:


> I think whitemousse is offering to use the internet to hurt her like she hurt you, AND him. He wants to know names, addys, workplaces and any other dirt you can think of. How deliciously vengeful!


Im not sure I want to do anything like that. I can see notifying his employers and letting his friends know that he is a scumbag.. I think her friends all know that she is an immoral tramp.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

jamie323 said:


> Im not sure I want to do anything like that. I can see notifying his employers and letting his friends know that he is a scumbag*.. I think her friends all know that she is an immoral tramp*.


Why don't you just make sure of that.

Tell them all what she did.


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## jamie323 (Jan 18, 2012)

Malaise said:


> Why don't you just make sure of that.
> 
> Tell them all what she did.


The wife called on Saturday and left a message saying she hasn't heard from me in a while, and wanted to talk.. I haven't called back yet, even though its been very difficult to keep myself from it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Don't . Ignore her. You are still not detached enough to talk to her.


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## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

Why would you want to talk with her??


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

wow, what is her obsession with this dude?


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

I believe 'living well is the best revenge'

Actively trying to hurt them only diminishes you (no matter how much it might or might not affect them) - but living well rebuilds you, and if by contrast, they have regrets, so be it. (And if not, you've lost nothing anyway.)

You need to think about your own needs here - I understand that it's hard to forget, and you might not - but it will get easier, and you will get over it. Quicker if you ignore them and focus on yourself.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

jamie keep away from revenge using other people etc. I can assure you that in your condition (high end anxiety, symtoms of clinical depression) it will become yet another range of thoughts to pass through your head along with the fim sequence of catching them having sex. Throughout the posts people have given great advice to combat the anxiety issues plus getting short term medical intervention (worked for me). Sadly what you describe is something that anxiety sufferers always refer to. 

Diversion is a great way to help yourself without having to rely to much on medication. Keep on the exercise as this is key way to do it but you need to focus on other scenarios as this is a strong possibility that you will thing about the "catching " issue when running or working out. Consider joining a running group, or as suggested fill the down time you have with low cost hobbies, these need to be types thst will allow you to have to concentrate on what your doing and something that when your at home you can switch to.


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