# My SAHM wife is a slob!



## happytitan

My wife is a total slob and I don't know what to do!

We have a 20 month old and she wants to stay at home with our child. We can swing it financially. I'm under the impression that a SAHM should not only take care of child but also the house. She insists she doesn't have any time to do anything aside from taking care of the child.

As a result the house looks like it's been hit with a tornado when I come home from work every day. Part of this is the child (toys all over the floor), part of this is her (dirty dishes stacking up in the sink, laundry baskets of clothes unfolded).

She claims she's trying her best but simply can't find the time to do it all. It's not for a lack of effort. I think she's just bad at it.

Note I'm not asking her to pick up after me. I work all day and always do my own dishes, put clothes in the hamper. I even do cook for her on occasion (and I always leave the kitchen spotless when I'm done). I also take out the trash, help clean the yard, etc...

She doesn't even have to scrub anything. We have a maid come weekly to vacuum and mop and do the bathrooms and kitchen and a nanny helps her 10 hours a week so she can run errands that she can't do with the baby.

I think she has it pretty good here. Am I being unreasonable when I ask the house to be clean in addition to watching the toddler?

I think she's just too focused on the child and can't mentally wrap her brain around doing anything else. She wasn't tidy before we had a baby, but now it's far worse.

I get stressed out and start criticizing and she freaks out and calls me a "jerk" who doesn't understand how hard it is to take care of a baby. I realize it's difficult, but I also think that other homemakers manage to keep the house in order with even less resources.

I'm considering just telling her to go back to work so at least she isn't home most of the day to mess up the house.

Any advice on this problem?


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## waiwera

We've had three kids. i stayed home and kinda saw it my 'job' to cook, clean ( i really enkioyed making home this lovely 'soft place to fall' for my boys and hubby.
I also manage a vege/herb garden, chickens and amenity gardens... never had a cleaner or a nanny.
Having said that I was an organised and naturally tidy person BEFORE I had kids and i think that is the key here.
If a person isn't organised and tidy before kids there is no way it's going to magically happen AFTER kids.
She may not know HOW to organise her day and the house.


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## golfergirl

happytitan said:


> My wife is a total slob and I don't know what to do!
> 
> We have a 20 month old and she wants to stay at home with our child. We can swing it financially. I'm under the impression that a SAHM should not only take care of child but also the house. She insists she doesn't have any time to do anything aside from taking care of the child.
> 
> As a result the house looks like it's been hit with a tornado when I come home from work every day. Part of this is the child (toys all over the floor), part of this is her (dirty dishes stacking up in the sink, laundry baskets of clothes unfolded).
> 
> She claims she's trying her best but simply can't find the time to do it all. It's not for a lack of effort. I think she's just bad at it.
> 
> Note I'm not asking her to pick up after me. I work all day and always do my own dishes, put clothes in the hamper. I even do cook for her on occasion (and I always leave the kitchen spotless when I'm done). I also take out the trash, help clean the yard, etc...
> 
> She doesn't even have to scrub anything. We have a maid come weekly to vacuum and mop and do the bathrooms and kitchen and a nanny helps her 10 hours a week so she can run errands that she can't do with the baby.
> 
> I think she has it pretty good here. Am I being unreasonable when I ask the house to be clean in addition to watching the toddler?
> 
> I think she's just too focused on the child and can't mentally wrap her brain around doing anything else. She wasn't tidy before we had a baby, but now it's far worse.
> 
> I get stressed out and start criticizing and she freaks out and calls me a "jerk" who doesn't understand how hard it is to take care of a baby. I realize it's difficult, but I also think that other homemakers manage to keep the house in order with even less resources.
> 
> I'm considering just telling her to go back to work so at least she isn't home most of the day to mess up the house.
> 
> Any advice on this problem?


She does have it better than most with maid and nanny - but, it's friggen hard to keep a house that's occupied 24/7 tidy. From kid's toys and clutter. I was home with a 3 and 1 year old. Well if they weren't pulling clothes out of the drawers or tupperware out of the cupboard, arghhhh! I got tired of chasing after them saying 'no'. I'm normally very tidy and it drove me insane! But the house never was unoccupied.
It's tough to pick up after kids when they are always there. 
Is she attentive to the baby? As in lots of hands on play and interaction? Or is being SAHM an excuse to just not work?
Does her day ever end? My H believed mat leave was me doing everything with baby and house. My day never ended. He never acknowledged that.
Just rambling. I know some women manage those tasks without a blink - somehow I didn't fail nor excel at it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020

Babies take a lot of naps. 

And how much time does she spend on the computer each day. Key logger would tell you that. And a phone log - text message log would let you see how much play time she really has. 




happytitan said:


> My wife is a total slob and I don't know what to do!
> 
> We have a 20 month old and she wants to stay at home with our child. We can swing it financially. I'm under the impression that a SAHM should not only take care of child but also the house. She insists she doesn't have any time to do anything aside from taking care of the child.
> 
> As a result the house looks like it's been hit with a tornado when I come home from work every day. Part of this is the child (toys all over the floor), part of this is her (dirty dishes stacking up in the sink, laundry baskets of clothes unfolded).
> 
> She claims she's trying her best but simply can't find the time to do it all. It's not for a lack of effort. I think she's just bad at it.
> 
> Note I'm not asking her to pick up after me. I work all day and always do my own dishes, put clothes in the hamper. I even do cook for her on occasion (and I always leave the kitchen spotless when I'm done). I also take out the trash, help clean the yard, etc...
> 
> She doesn't even have to scrub anything. We have a maid come weekly to vacuum and mop and do the bathrooms and kitchen and a nanny helps her 10 hours a week so she can run errands that she can't do with the baby.
> 
> I think she has it pretty good here. Am I being unreasonable when I ask the house to be clean in addition to watching the toddler?
> 
> I think she's just too focused on the child and can't mentally wrap her brain around doing anything else. She wasn't tidy before we had a baby, but now it's far worse.
> 
> I get stressed out and start criticizing and she freaks out and calls me a "jerk" who doesn't understand how hard it is to take care of a baby. I realize it's difficult, but I also think that other homemakers manage to keep the house in order with even less resources.
> 
> I'm considering just telling her to go back to work so at least she isn't home most of the day to mess up the house.
> 
> Any advice on this problem?


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## happytitan

golfergirl said:


> .
> Is she attentive to the baby? As in lots of hands on play and interaction? Or is being SAHM an excuse to just not work?
> Does her day ever end? My H believed mat leave was me doing everything with baby and house. My day never ended. He never acknowledged that.
> Just rambling. I know some women manage those tasks without a blink - somehow I didn't fail nor excel at it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 She's really attentive with the baby. Too attentive IMO. I think that's part of the problem. She won't even put him in the pack n' play for 30 minutes to work on other tasks.

Her day never ends and she comes off as constantly overwhelmed, but it's partly because she's just so inefficient. She never cleans as she go's. She'll demolish the kitchen to cook dinner and then just leaves everything in the sink and there will be food all over the floor. Then it's just that much harder for her to clean it because it's such a disgusting mess.

She finally gets the baby to sleep and at that point she's too tired to do anything else. Now she needs a "break". Understandable but I'm wondering how she didn't get a break during the 11 hours I was gone. Meanwhile I'm just home from my workday and admittedly have no interest in cleaning either. Sometimes I do out of necessity, but it's difficult for both of us.

She's not being malicious I just think she's totally disorganized and hates cleaning. Note when she does clean she's extremely thorough about it. But she only does that after we fight about it and then spends hours doing it in the evening only to make herself more tired.


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## MEM2020

This could be the ideal time for a constructive discussion that will DEFINITELY get her attention. 

Are you willing to rock the boat to change this? Because it sounds like what is happening is that in the priority scheme:
1. Baby
2. Baby
3. Baby
4. Your Wife and what she needs
5. Your Wife and what she wants
6. Other friends and family/socializing
7. Maybe you

There is a way to change it but you need to be willing to have a short but difficult conversation.




happytitan said:


> She's really attentive with the baby. Too attentive IMO. I think that's part of the problem. She won't even put him in the pack n' play for 30 minutes to work on other tasks.
> 
> Her day never ends and she comes off as constantly overwhelmed, but it's partly because she's just so inefficient. She never cleans as she go's. She'll demolish the kitchen to cook dinner and then just leaves everything in the sink and there will be food all over the floor. Then it's just that much harder for her to clean it because it's such a disgusting mess.
> 
> She finally gets the baby to sleep and at that point she's too tired to do anything else. Now she needs a "break". Understandable but I'm wondering how she didn't get a break during the 11 hours I was gone. Meanwhile I'm just home from my workday and admittedly have no interest in cleaning either. Sometimes I do out of necessity, but it's difficult for both of us.
> 
> She's not being malicious I just think she's totally disorganized and hates cleaning. Note when she does clean she's extremely thorough about it. But she only does that after we fight about it and then spends hours doing it in the evening only to make herself more tired.


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## golfergirl

happytitan said:


> She's really attentive with the baby. Too attentive IMO. I think that's part of the problem. She won't even put him in the pack n' play for 30 minutes to work on other tasks.
> 
> Her day never ends and she comes off as constantly overwhelmed, but it's partly because she's just so inefficient. She never cleans as she go's. She'll demolish the kitchen to cook dinner and then just leaves everything in the sink and there will be food all over the floor. Then it's just that much harder for her to clean it because it's such a disgusting mess.
> 
> She finally gets the baby to sleep and at that point she's too tired to do anything else. Now she needs a "break". Understandable but I'm wondering how she didn't get a break during the 11 hours I was gone. Meanwhile I'm just home from my workday and admittedly have no interest in cleaning either. Sometimes I do out of necessity, but it's difficult for both of us.
> 
> She's not being malicious I just think she's totally disorganized and hates cleaning. Note when she does clean she's extremely thorough about it. But she only does that after we fight about it and then spends hours doing it in the evening only to make herself more tired.


Hmmm at least she's hands on with baby and not on computer etc. I found the toy clutter, yanking tupperware out of cupboard and 'helping' by pulling clothes out of drawer my downfall. I just left it til end of day, or nap times - but that's 10 min work - not deep cleaning. My little one is crawling stage, so I'm kind of a nut about clean floors. And I hate dirty dishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GoingNowhere

Before approaching her, might I make a crazy suggestion? Send her to a friends or relative for a full day while you play mr.mom.

If you see, in fact, that your expectations are not insanely ridiculous, you have a leg to stand on. If is more work than you imagined, you'll have a bit more understanding.

I kept the house as tidy as possible with am infant around, mind you I also worked a full time job for much of that, and my husband complained of messes... One day I left him in charge while he was off work. Not only came home to a mess, but him sleeping on the couch while our child was getting into anything and everything..

But, unfortunately... He still thought I had to be some sort of superwoman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl

GoingNowhere said:


> Before approaching her, might I make a crazy suggestion? Send her to a friends or relative for a full day while you play mr.mom.
> 
> If you see, in fact, that your expectations are not insanely ridiculous, you have a leg to stand on. If is more work than you imagined, you'll have a bit more understanding.
> 
> I kept the house as tidy as possible with am infant around, mind you I also worked a full time job for much of that, and my husband complained of messes... One day I left him in charge while he was off work. Not only came home to a mess, but him sleeping on the couch while our child was getting into anything and everything..
> 
> But, unfortunately... He still thought I had to be some sort of superwoman.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My H was awesome for a day. It was tough after a week though. He would putter after me - picking up my newspaper or a glass I had planned on using later or threw in a load of laundry. But I had the kids occupied. Not so fun dragging a basket of clothes up and down three flights (split level), with a baby under your arms.
I have friends who managed, so it is possible, but I struggled so I feel some of your wife's pain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lydia

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to expect the house to be presentable when you get home from work. Maybe not perfect, because yes - being a mom is hard work. But, laundry should be folded on a regular basis and dishes done. 

I'm not a SAHM... I work full time and juggle the housework and our daughter (who is nearing 3). It's still a LOT of work. I'm sorry to say but I do not think it will get better if she goes to work, may even get worse. Unless she pitches in for more housecleaning services with her pay. I also think that if she is a very attentive mom, it may be better for the child now for her to be home with him/her.

I do think it's something you need to address kindly with her. Tell her you aren't trying to be a jerk, but the housework is a problem and you'd like to help come to some resolution. Maybe she needs to keep a chore/task list every day of things she needs to do and when. It is hard with kids, but while the child is down for a nap, or if she put a quick cartoon on - she could do some housework during the down time. 

The house isn't going to look perfect at this stage, as your child is still fairly young and needs a lot of attention, but I would imagine there are a few pockets of time here and there where she could be doing more housework than what you described. She is lucky - I didn't have a housecleaner of any type, worked part time, and had NO time to myself. Sure, our house gets messy at times but eventually the mess gets picked up.

Perhaps when you come home from work you can take the baby out to the park, or do some sort of activity with him/her while your wife gets some house cleaning done?


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## alphaomega

I just stopped letting it bother me after a while. I used to come home and have to clean house, like you. But, I started to realize that I could spend my entire evening cleaning or use that time to play with the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega

After kids, your house will never ever again look perfect. Between fork stab marks in the expensive dining table, puke on the couches, or pen gouges in the nice curio cabinet, (not to mention the red koolade stains in the fancy coffee table or beyblade scratches in the bamboo floors), the house will now look like you have kids living there. Lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

When I was alone with my son when he was younger I found it almost impossible to do anything but pay attention to him. He just wanted constant attention from me and would not stop until he got it. He is ADD. 

By two he was speaking in full sentences. His curiosity was unbelievable. By kindergarden he was reading at 8th grade level. I felt like I was going nuts taking care of him because I could not just keep an eye on him while I did things.. I had to be engaged playing and being metally involved with whatever his current curiosity was.

I bought him a chidlren's encyclopidea. He asked me to read them.. yes each book end to end. Thank goodness he learned to read early as he read the second half of the books on his own.

I admit to using the TV sometimes. At 3.5 he was fasicanted with the Titanic. He must have watched A Night to Remember 100 times. Wanted to know everything about that ship, what happened, etc.

His favorite poet as at about 4/5? Edger Allen Poe.

By kindergarden I was getting info on science experiments that we could do at home. His favorite store was Edmonds. I have a degree in engineering & math so it was right up my alley as well.

My point is that taking care of a kid all day is not just 'watching' them. There is a lot to it... at least for some kids. 

Then I found other kids.. mine became the house in the neighborhood that would watch anyone's little kids. That way my son had a playmate and I had time to do things. I found that 2 are a lot easier than one. They keep each other busy.

I wonder if this is what is going on with your wife and child.

By the way, today my son is a junior in college getting a degree in physcis and engineering. He has a 4.0 GPA. His plan is to go on for a PHD. 

I would not change a thing I did in raising him. Satisfying his intellectual curiosty even at the age of 2 was my highest priority. Dishes? They were pretty low on the priorty list.


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## charlene

happytitan said:


> I think she's just too focused on the child and can't mentally wrap her brain around doing anything else. She wasn't tidy before we had a baby, but now it's far worse.


I think so too, my sister is like that. She can't seems to do anything else, except taking care of the baby....but of course my niece is 3months old and.....i don't have a child so may be i don't know.. But for me one child and a house shouldn't be such a big deal / especially when you have that help/
I also think that it's not that they don't want to ,they're just not good at it. So may be going back to work will be better for your /both/ sanity


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## EleGirl

charlene said:


> I think so too, my sister is like that. She can't seems to do anything else, except taking care of the baby....but of course my niece is 3months and.....i don't have i child so may be i don't know.. But for me one child and a house shouldn't be such a big deal / especially when you have that help/
> I also think that it's not that they don't want to ,they're just not good at it. So may be going back to work will be better for your /both/ sanity


For some reason people tend to expect all women to be good house keepers. Many are not. They never learn or just do not have the skills... or are ADD and cannot organize to save their lives.


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## charlene

EleGirl said:


> For some reason people tend to expect all women to be good house keepers. Many are not. They never learn or just do not have the skills... or are ADD and cannot organize to save their lives.


Exactly! That what i mean.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Caring for a toddler is exhausting. My middle child never napped. I also had my two children 21 months apart. Best decision we ever made. My two youngest are the best of friends. Those days the toys were all over the house. Now they are only interested in drawing, music electronics, and board games. My girls are 8, 10, and 17. I'm now disabled from breaking my neck 4 years ago. I clean what I can, but very limited what I get done in the day. I like a clean house too, but we can't afford a cleaning lady. 

Maybe you can help her out when you get home. My husband does. He helps with the dinner dishes and helps with the kids. Your child is so young yet, I remember running around after them, so they wouldn't get hurt or get into something that was trouble.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks

She's looking for your attention and acknowledgement that taking care of a baby is hard.


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## Tall Average Guy

EleGirl said:


> For some reason people tend to expect all women to be good house keepers. Many are not. They never learn or just do not have the skills... or are ADD and cannot organize to save their lives.


But is this really the expectation of the OP? Is it really that hard to put dishes in the dishwasher rather than stack them in the sink? I have three kids, and have taken care of them for the weekend when my wife went away. It is not an easy job, but so what? Most jobs aren't. I don't think some basic housework that any adult should be able to handle (dishes, putting food away, some laundry) is too much to ask to at least keep things under control.

My wife, a SAHM, admits that she is not the greatest house keeper. But she understands that is part of the job she took on. The hosue is under control. There are messes, but we both understand that those are best dealt with when the kids are in bed. But there is effort in taking care of our home and our family. I suspect a big issue here is the perception that she is taking care of "us" as in "mommy and baby" rather than "us" as in "the family."


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## deejov

Some people are not organizers, they do not actually even KNOW how to keep a house clean or tidy. You say she wasn't tidy before the baby, so I suspect maybe she is overwhelmed, at her own level. 

Someone who knows how to do things in an order or clean up immediately after eating wouldn't have a tornado going on.

Any chance you can find a personal "service" agency that can come in and show her how to do all of this? It's very possible and reasonable to expect a cleaner environment. And with a child almost two running around, it's kinda necessary to not have dirty dishes or tripping hazards around. Even try google. Practical tips for how to keep the house tidy, how to clean, get her a schedule of sorts. Laundry on a certain day when baby is asleep, or when baby goes to bed, etc.


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## Jamison

Was she a slob before the baby came? Some people are not the best housekeepers, period,

I understand you wanting the house somewhat clean when you come in. I wouldn't have your expectations to high though. I would imagine having a toddler is very tiring. I imagine she is burnt out, even if the child takes naps etc, she probably feels like when the child is napping, she wants time for herself some, not spending it cleaning just to have the child wake up and tend to her/him again as well.Perhaps she needs some help. And probably looking for a supportive understanding spouse as well.


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## CallaLily

This is what is sounds like to me. She might be overwhelmed from the baby period. Some people can't find balance or do not know how to balance work, chores and keeping up with the kids. 

Some people can only do one thing at a time. I also think its possible she might have some depression going on as well. Maybe she feels she has lost her identity, and only sees herself as a mother. Is she resting any at night? Is she the only one that gets up with the baby at night if the baby wakes up etc? If she is overly tired from the baby then I can't say I would blame her for not wanting or feeling like doing much housework either. 

I think she needs some love and support. She probably feels shes just there to take care of the baby. Get someone to watch the baby for a while and take her out on a nice date.


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## SunnyT

I think... you can't "fix" slobs. 

Some women are overwhelmed with their own children. You can't fix them either. Go figure. I don't think there is ANYTHING you can do about it, except b*tch at her every day, maybe she will do it just to not hear you b*tch.


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## trey69

Not sure what to tell you other than maybe switch roles with her for about a week. Maybe it will shed some light on what shes truly feeling.


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## Cherry

Tall Average Guy said:


> But is this really the expectation of the OP? Is it really that hard to put dishes in the dishwasher rather than stack them in the sink? I have three kids, and have taken care of them for the weekend when my wife went away. It is not an easy job, but so what? Most jobs aren't. I don't think some basic housework that any adult should be able to handle (dishes, putting food away, some laundry) is too much to ask to at least keep things under control.
> 
> My wife, a SAHM, admits that she is not the greatest house keeper. But she understands that is part of the job she took on. The hosue is under control. There are messes, but we both understand that those are best dealt with when the kids are in bed. But there is effort in taking care of our home and our family. I suspect a big issue here is the perception that she is taking care of "us" as in "mommy and baby" rather than "us" as in "the family."


:iagree:

My H and I both work full time and have 3 year old twins. Our house is not tidy, but it is clean. We don't worry much about the toys at all, other than kicking them out of a walkway - lol. BUT, dishes? I cannot stand roaches and in my mind and in my experience *dirty dishes, food laying out, etc = roaches.* And laundry? I do that on the weekends while H is keeping the kids busy. Other than that we both do our part to keep up with things. 

I soooooooo want to be a SAHM!!!! But that's another story. As your 18 month old grows, spending time with them can be actually teaching them to clean up too. My twins come in the kitchen and "help" me put away dishes or put them in the dishwasher. They also "help" me make the beds. They "help" my H and me with a lot of stuff around the house. Can your wife incorporate house cleaning into spending time with the child as well? Sounds silly I guess, but my 3 year olds love it!


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## Chelle D

deejov said:


> Some people are not organizers, they do not actually even KNOW how to keep a house clean or tidy. You say she wasn't tidy before the baby, so I suspect maybe she is overwhelmed, at her own level.
> 
> Someone who knows how to do things in an order or clean up immediately after eating wouldn't have a tornado going on.


I hate to admit it, but I am a slob. Above would probably explain me to a capital T. I'm not sure it's that I don't know "how" to clean, Just can't get organized for the life of me. Even after I clean, it's all just clutter everywhere. (doesn't help to be married to a hoarder either).

But i was not a stay at home mom, but I don't think our house was any "cleaner"... when son was a toddler. Probably was worse. I usually also did the "cleaning binges"... and would clean for hours & hours & hours.. just to be exhausted.. and i remember thinking.. "I've got to do this all over again & get this exhuasted again, just to 'keep up' ". It would be so depressing. Still is, so poor hubby has had to put up with me for 22 yrs now.


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## AgentD

Well apparently she sees you as being very critical of her, you did say she is a slob and say shes bad at it, so naturally that isn't going to make her feel anymore motivated to do anything. 

My guess is, regardless of what may or may not be going on with her, shes looking for love and support not put downs. Its hard to say what may or may not be going on with her. She could just be lazy, she could be overwhelmed or have some kind of anxiety issues over certain things. Who knows for sure. 

Sit down and have a heart to heart with her. You did say when you criticize her, she calls you a jerk, well there ya go, thats part of the problem right there, with how you are handling it. 

Also weigh things things that are most important. I completely understand you wanting a house to be cleaned. However, you need to get to the real root of why that might be, then see if its a deal breaker for you.


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## SimplyAmorous

waiwera said:


> If a person isn't organised and tidy before kids there is no way it's going to magically happen AFTER kids. She may not know HOW to organise her day and the house.


I find this to be very very true , generally unless one is truly motivated to overcome.

I DO feel very bad for husbands in this situation though, I really do..... I watched my Father in law live it for years, it was the biggest stumbling block their marriage ...eventually he just didn't want to be home anymore ......my Mother in Law used to complain to me about him, I had to shut my mouth (so did my husband) cause we agreed with him!! .... she never cleaned the house, she was a hoarder even , the house is as bad as the tv shows. He was embarrassed to have his own relatives come to visit . His sister offered to pay for a dumpster, she didn't talk to her again for a month. 

I would be furious with myself if my husband came home to a mess every day. I consider these things "my part of the marriage" I would be apologizing if I couldn't live up to it .....I am so very THANKFUL I am able to stay home & raise our 6, a blessing considering the job he had when we married. This is the very least I can do, when he has to deal with bad roads, work in extreme heat & freezing temps in the winter, a nasty boss & irritating co-workers. And here I am playing on TAM inbetween my chores. 

At one time we had 4 boys 6 yrs old and under. I dragged them to the store, nothing slowed me down, 2 was in diapers and I even used cloth- & hung them on the line. 

Although none of our kids were ever colic, I do think that would be very very difficult. Also I wasn't the type to be sitting down with them reading a string of books and playing on the floor, in that respect, I was not as good of a MOM. BUt I got all my work done! They seemed to all be turning out wonderful inspite of my lack of personal attention as toddlers. 


Is it possible your wife has become Depressed ? This would cause her to slow down like this or Post Partum going on ? What is her mothers house cleaning skills like? 

Back to my Mother in Law, it seemed to run in the family, the signs were there before they married. Funny how he came from a immaculate household where you could literally eat off the floor and she came from a Junk Collecting family. 

I let my kids know, I don't care if they have Grandmas genes, there will be no hoarding in our house, they will clean those darn rooms or they won't come out of them. These things need to be instilled in our kids as they grow up, that they have a responsibility to DO THEIR PART, this will only help them in life and in marriage. I don't allow my sons to be slackers either, I want them to cook for themselves & be independent, as their wives will likely work & they too will have thier load to carry in helping her manage a household. 

It is so very very important to learn how to MANAGE TIME, and how to Multi-task, it is a skill that will afford us all so much more in life...time with our kids even, friends, our own husbands and wives. 

And to do this stuff while you are at work, oh what a burden lifted from your shoulders and hers. 

You even have a maid and a Nanny, this story just about kills me! All I can think is darn, imagine without them!! That is insane, most of us could never afford such things, and we do just fine. I am a bit critical in this area. Cause I am on myself.

This would be the same as a MAN getting on a newly married husband who couldn't pull himself away from the Video games to get to his job, or showing up late and getting in trouble with the boss, it would disrupt the whole marriage. The wife would be livid and for a good reason. 

Whatever you do, don't have another kid -if she needs this much help with ONE !


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## golfergirl

I would find the story more tragic if she ignored the kid and kept a perfect house. My sister once said: on your death bed, going over your life, which would be your more likely regret, "man I wish I spent more time with my babies when they were little" or "geez I kept a tidy house"? Just saying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily

Sometimes you need to pick and choose your battles in life. If this is a absolute tragedy and something you can't tolerate then divorce her so you can live in a cleaner house.


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## Tall Average Guy

golfergirl said:


> I would find the story more tragic if she ignored the kid and kept a perfect house. My sister once said: on your death bed, going over your life, which would be your more likely regret, "man I wish I spent more time with my babies when they were little" or "geez I kept a tidy house"? Just saying.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


While I don't disagree, someone has to do some of those chores. So if the SAHM won't, the husband gets stuck doing them, with no time for the kid. That does not seem fair to me.


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## FirstYearDown

My mother had _four _children, worked _full time _and had a_ spotless home_. Well, she had five children because my father refused to help, yet expected to be waited on hand and foot.

I don't expect all women to be great housekeepers, but I do think that a SAHM should pull her weight. The same goes for SAHD's. Your wife should be able to wash some dishes and fold clothes.

I think that this is why some men complain that North American women are spoiled. You would NEVER see a SAHM with a dirty house in the Caribbean or in some European countries. These women often have no help and more than one baby.


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## Jamison

Bravo to those who can do it all.

However not all people are the same. So to the OP I hope you are able to get to the root of why she isn't cleaning the house. Hard to say what that might be unless you're in her shoes. You do need to have a sit down talk with her one that is non judgemental and non critical.


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## golfergirl

Tall Average Guy said:


> While I don't disagree, someone has to do some of those chores. So if the SAHM won't, the husband gets stuck doing them, with no time for the kid. That does not seem fair to me.


That is true. People have different standards of clean. What would meet OP's standard? Not saying he's out to lunch, just wondering. Dishes done, meals made, laundry folded and toys picked up? That's manageable. 
My H and I fight about this. He freaks over a glass or package wrapper left on counter while he keeps clean underwear (picks clothes in advance) by sink in guest/master bath. Which is worse??? I think that's why I keep coming back to this post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous

golfergirl said:


> I would find the story more tragic if she ignored the kid and kept a perfect house. My sister once said: on your death bed, going over your life, which would be your more likely regret, "man I wish I spent more time with my babies when they were little" or "geez I kept a tidy house"? Just saying.


I agree with you, I found this saying once on the net...it said ...."
"100 yrs from now, it will not matter 
what kind of house I lived in
how much money I had
nor what my clothes were like, 
but the world may be a little better 
because I was important 
in the life of a child" 

That touched me so deeply , I created my own special large Photo frame -with 7 dangling hearts with each line written on each heart, I put a pic of me with 2 of my boys on my back while I was on my hands & knees-giving them a horsey ride - we were all laughing. Beautiful memories. 

There is surely a balance-as there is in all things in life. The house shouldn't have to go to pot , nor should the kids be ignored. Both are extremes & has a negativity that will hurt others in our lives & our very marriages. 

My house will never be as clean as it once was, until my nest is empty again, and this is OK, it even makes sense. But to allow it to fall to wreckage (especially if the husband is not a compulsive obsessive about cleanliness- I have met a couple of those) ...this is simply not Ok either, or excusable.

I just feel the man has a right to be upset. He is paying for a maid and a nanny -it is only one kid - how bad can he or she be ?


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## Jamison

Take a day off of work, stay home and watch and see what her day is like. See if she is laying around, chasing the child, being on the computer, napping, etc, then maybe you can get a better understanding. Just a thought.


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## Sanity

My mom raised two boys, cooked, cleaned, changed diapers, etc without my dad helping. My dad worked hard but my mom never complained my dad not helping her. My mom also worked a part time job then full time when we went to school. 

So your telling us that even with a cleaning service, nanny and other help she still can't get it together. You seem to have another dependant. Addressed this quickly or you will develope resentment over her freeloading. 

Oh and kids can be a pain but it's not the hardest job in the world. I would rather take care of my son anyday than work as a coal miner, cancer ward specialist, roofer, etc. Stop listening to Oprah.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jamison

Sanity said:


> Addressed this quickly or you will develope resentment over her freeloading.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is already resentment there from him. He calls her a slob and criticizes her.


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## Sanity

Jamison said:


> There is already resentment there from him. He calls her a slob and criticizes her.


Yes it's unfortunate. Perhaps the he should ask her to return to work since she can't keep a home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily

I might have missed this so I apologize if its already been mentioned, but was she like this before the baby was born? Did she keep a messy house, not doing dishes and laundry etc? Or did the change after the baby was born?


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## happytitan

CallaLily said:


> I might have missed this so I apologize if its already been mentioned, but was she like this before the baby was born? Did she keep a messy house, not doing dishes and laundry etc? Or did the change after the baby was born?


 She's always been disorganized and scattered. But the baby obviously makes more messes to clean up and then she has even less time to do so. Also previously she was working and out of the house a lot so she had less time to generate mess in the home. Now she's home most of the day with the baby which just compounds the issue.



golfergirl said:


> That is true. People have different standards of clean. What would meet OP's standard? Not saying he's out to lunch, just wondering. Dishes done, meals made, laundry folded and toys picked up? That's manageable.


 Basically that. I'm not asking her to do serious cleaning. We have a housekeeper for that. 

I think ultimately this isn't a deal-breaker for me (especially compared to some of the other problems people have on this forum, it makes me grateful) but I'm just wondering if there is a solution aside from a) accepting it and moving on or b) telling her to just go back to work and hiring someone to do all this.


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## Sanity

How about both? Work and clean. I don't understand when did we become a society that praises people for doing what needs to be done. I work and still the laundry, cooking, yardwork and cleaning needs to be done. Kids take naps. They play by themselves. I have a 3 year old and he can self play while I clean and cook for him. It can be done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

Sanity said:


> How about both? Work and clean. I don't understand when did we become a society that praises people for doing what needs to be done. I work and still the laundry, cooking, yardwork and cleaning needs to be done. Kids take naps. They play by themselves. I have a 3 year old and he can self play while I clean and cook for him. It can be done.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And you are not this man's wife. She might be depressed. She might have something like ADD that just naturally makes her disorganized. There are things that she might just do a lot better than you do. We are all individuals... we all have different strenghts and weaknesses.

From what her husband is desribing she is, and has always been challanged when it comes to organization.


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## Sanity

But remember if she works you guys need to split chores.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AgentD

happytitan said:


> She's always been disorganized and scattered.


Ok so since you have always known her to be like this, then perhaps its just time to accept her for who she is.


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## happytitan

AgentD said:


> Ok so since you have always known her to be like this, then perhaps its just time to accept her for who she is.


 Agreed. It just has gone from kinda sloppy to awful since the baby was born (totally understandable) and I'm just trying to cope with this. I was hoping getting her the maid and nanny help would alleviate the issue. I think it helps a bit. I'm just hoping for gradual improvement on her side as well. But yeah, maybe I'll just try to do a better job of accepting it.


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## trey69

Do you think she would be ok with it if you asked her to return to work? Would she be up for that? 

If you already have a nanny/housekeeper that comes in from time to time, maybe she feels like she doesn't need to do anything else but take care of the child?


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## EleGirl

happytitan said:


> Agreed. It just has gone from kinda sloppy to awful since the baby was born (totally understandable) and I'm just trying to cope with this. I was hoping getting her the maid and nanny help would alleviate the issue. I think it helps a bit. I'm just hoping for gradual improvement on her side as well. But yeah, maybe I'll just try to do a better job of accepting it.


Your wife might be able to learn some things that would make it better.


Here is a website that I really like. FlyLady.net

The Flylady teaches people who to clean the house and keep it that way. 

My husband is unemployed... as been for some time. I work more than full time. Our children are in their 20's. We only have a 22 year old college student at home. Well then then there are the 3 giant dogs.. they are as much of a mess as little kids.

My husband is very good at picking up his clothing and stuff. He does his own laundry. But the the clothes stay in the dyer for days until I get him to take them out so I can do my laundery.

He as been doing nothing for a long time. So I finally told him that as the SAHH (Stay at home husband) he is responsible for housework ... all of it, cleaning, cooking etc. It's not getting done.

Well he is cooking dinner most nights and grocery shopping. IN the last three weeks he's finally getting keeping the kitchen clean.

I suggested the flylady site.. .he's been reading and learning. I see a low improvement.

I used the site a lot when my kids were younger.. .it really helped.


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## tennisstar

If she was disorganized and scattered before the baby, she apparently has become worse afterwards. Some people are not neat and don't feel a clean house is a priority. I know for me, and it sounds like the OP, a neat house is important. I think at least washing clothes, washing dishes, wiping off counters, etc is essential for cleanliness.

OP, it sounds like your wife just isn't ever going to be good at these things. Some people are just not that great at them. My sister is one of those people who just can't do a lot without being stressed. She's a SAHM, but she's always "stressed" because she has sooo much to do. I do all she does and have a full time job, so it aggravates me to no end!

As a SAHM, I would think this would be part of the job. I know taking care of a baby is hard, but with the help you have hired for her, I just can't see that she can't get some light cleaning/washing, etc done. Have you asked her what she thinks the solution should be? Or does she simply want you to live with the dirty house? Is she so absorbed in the baby that she is neglecting you in other ways too?


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## FirstYearDown

Sanity said:


> My mom raised two boys, cooked, cleaned, changed diapers, etc without my dad helping. My dad worked hard but my mom never complained my dad not helping her. My mom also worked a part time job then full time when we went to school.
> 
> *So your telling us that even with a cleaning service, nanny and other help she still can't get it together. You seem to have another dependant. Addressed this quickly or you will develope resentment over her freeloading*.
> 
> Oh and kids can be a pain but it's not the hardest job in the world. I would rather take care of my son anyday than work as a coal miner, cancer ward specialist, roofer, etc. Stop listening to Oprah.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree: She is disgustingly spoiled and LAZY.

I clean and cook with only ONE HAND that functions properly. I don't have any help.


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## EleGirl

How about some new skills? Like when she leaves a room.. she stops, looks at it to see anything that needs to be put away.

Some people are just challenged with the messy gene. As I said earlier, my mom was.


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## lyngreen504

Organized person before the kid? probably not, I have three and my husband says the same about me. But I'll admit. It's just being lazy. I am working on me though, it's hard, you can say I got married because of our daugther, and it's worked since then, but I wasn't ready for the husband and the kids. I was still 20 and not organized before so that definitely sucks. And my mom always did everything for me. I didn't know how to do anything when I got married, my husband cleans better than I do and he cooks better too. I'm also a SAHM, but honestly, it's hard especially if you were never in that state before. at least for me. I'm learning, and well.... getting off my ass especially for the kids and the hubby. Just talk with her, my husband used some harsh words with me and things have gotten ugly with us a lot, but you live you learen, and you deal with it. But no, I find time with three kids ages, 5,2 and 4 months, so one 20 month old is NOT a big deal.


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## ARF

This has been an interesting topic. I am a SAHD, so I am aware of how quickly a day can go by. I have a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old. My wife and I had a little argument about a month into me staying home. I told her I was home to raise our children, not to be a maid. That said, I believe I keep the house clean, but it is lived in. I cook almost ever meal, do almost every piece of laundry. The sink is typically empty and the counters and table are clean. Admittedly, I don't always get as much done as I hoped entering many days. 

I am in the process of teaching my 3 yr old to pick up after himself, dress himself, and many other things he is capable of doing. However, teaching him to do these things can take much much longer then doing them myself, so there goes more time out of each day. SAHP do need to find that balance that works for the ones who stay at home and the one who works. I personally think requesting your wife to go back to work when financially you can afford to have a parent home would be a mistake if it is just done because you aren't happy with her housekeeping skills. Especially since you say she is very attentive to your child. Jus keep working on the other issues. The flylady suggestion is excellent. I do a version of that myself. Good luck but feel fortunate that your child is being raised by their parent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelle D

EleGirl said:


> Here is a website that I really like. FlyLady.net
> 
> The Flylady teaches people who to clean the house and keep it that way.
> 
> I used the site a lot when my kids were younger.. .it really helped.


Thank you so much for sharing this EleGirl. Looks like it's something I need & could help me tremendously!! (I hope, i really really hope.)
j


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## Jamison

Wow lots of I can do it all types in here. Just because you can doesn't mean everyone else can.  

To the OP, hopefully you can get to the root of whats going on with her. Or as someone else mentioned sometimes you need to accept people for who they are, flaws and all. if you feel you can't then find out whats a deal breaker for you and move on.


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## Runs like Dog

The way I look at it - I don't have the time. You don't have the ability or the desire. So go find some Russian or Honduran of questionable residency status and pay her to do it. Whatever you spend on that has got to be better than listening to me tell you all this sh^t is f^cked up.


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## that_girl

She needs to learn the trick 

About 45minutes before hubs gets home, I do the "house check"and tidy up. I get dinner in the oven and all is well by the time he gets home. 

It's easier now that the kids are growing up-- things stay cleaner longer. But when our youngest was small, it was the 45 minutes before hubs got home :rofl:

Folding laundry was done before 11. I would do a load a day so it wouldn't pile up. I still do that. Which reminds me...

She should dust some flour on her forehead for an added bonus :lol:


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## that_girl

Yea, it gets overwhelming when the kids are under 2.5 LOL You put things away, turn around and they are pulling shet back out. 

Makes you want to lose your mind!!!!

But she has a maid and a nanny :rofl: I work full time and do it all...some days I don't do shet. Oh well. But you gotta learn to spread it out. Different chores of different days...load of laundry a day. It's doable.

To the OP, have you stayed home with the little one all day (9 hours) by yourself?  If not, just try it and see how much you get done. Not trying to be snarky, but it's easy to say someone is "lazy" if you haven't tried it. dealing with a little person overwhelms some people. Maybe she feels like she should give all her attention to the kiddo and feels guilty when doing other things?


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## LBG

Wow! I could only wish for a nanny and a housekeeper to come in and clean my bathrooms and do most of the deep cleaning once a week. While my kids are older now (7,9, and 12), I've always kept a pretty clean house. I agree that your wife is either WAY too into the baby or just being lazy. While it is difficult to keep up with toddlers, it isn't impossible. As far as cabinets go and dragging things out, where are your baby locks? Such wonderful inventions that have saved me a lot of time and frustration over the years. 

My day yesterday (not today because I have had a migraine)
6:45- wake up, kids on bus and get ready for work
4:00- off of work and a 1/2 hour drive home
4:30- home and talking with my kids about day at school and about their Christmas parties.
Rest of the evening, I did 2 loads of laundry, bathed our 95lb lab that decided to roll in mud after being left outside for too long by herself (we live in the country), cooked a homemade dinner, picked up the entire house, did more laundry, scrubbed the bathroom from bathing the dog, clipped her nails, did some homework for myself, put away laundry and still managed to be in a great mood when my hubby walked in the door after 12 hours!

I discovered when my kids were little that if I kept the television and computer off that I could get quite a bit more accomplished throughout my day. I would DVR the shows that I wanted to watch and spent my mornings doing a load of laundry (if I did one each day it never got backed up and I always folded and put it away immediately), and doing general cleaning up that the day went much either. I blocked off areas of the house that I didn't want my children messing up with wonderful inventions called baby gates! If I had errands to run, guess what, the kids went with me! Imagine that! All of this while dealing with a hubby that was constantly deployed or away at training while he was in the Army. There was no assistance or help during these times. 

Thankfully, my hubby is home now and when he doesn't work 12 hours is fantastic about helping out with chores, laundry and errands. Also, I'm a firm believer in chores once children are old enough to help, but even 2 year olds can pick up their own toys. 

We tell our children that we aren't the only ones that eat, wear clothes, use the restroom and those types of things and that it isn't fair that Dad and I have to clean up all of it. Chores never hurt me when I was small and I learned to be self-sufficient when I moved out and how to keep a clean house.

I agree that some people are just not naturally clean or organized, but you shouldn't have to work 12 hours and come home to an absolute mess. Our final rule is that we do not go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink, it makes for a rough morning around here and who wants to get up to a destroyed kitchen with nasty dishes everywhere.

I think your wife just needs to learn better time management skills, no, it doesn't have to be spotless, but it shouldn't be a disaster either, that's not fair to you after working all day.


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## shellbell72

I think you need to sit her down when she is not so defensive. Explain to her you realize you are not perfect by any means either. I think if you maybe approach her a different way it "might" help.

Try to google a housekeeping list to help. Maybe chip in just a little more to help the house run smoother too. By all means do not drive yourself crazy over this. She will either be open to change or she won't. Personally I think she is full of excuses but that is just my opinion.

A lot of daycare centers get children as young as a year to begin helping to put toys up. Teaching the lesson of we pick up or put things aways when done. If your wife doesn't lead by example or change a bit...in a few years you are going to have your child doing the same exact thing.


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## srvl

happytitan, is is seriously eerie how similar your story is to mine. I know that my SAHM wife is a good mom to our 2 boys (ages 4 & 1) but I also know that she spends a significant amount of time each day (1) watching DVR'd reality shows, (2) reads smutty romance novels, (3) works out religiously, and (4) bakes cakes and cupcakes for any occasion.

I can assure you that I can keep my house clean with just a few minutes each day, and I have a demanding job that keeps me out of the house about 50 hours more than my wife.

I have tried to live with it but it stresses me out. I have heart problems but that doesnt seem to phase my wife.

I am resentful because during weeknights and weekends I clean up after everyone which keeps me from spending quality time with my family and keeps me from working out or taking a much needed nap.

I fantasize about living in a clean house but I wouldnt ever actually do that because of the costs and because I can't stand to be away from my kids more than I already am.

If you find a solution, I'd be all ears. Good luck.


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## Runs like Dog

If you're not going to clean it yourself or hire someone to do it get used to kicking stuff out of the way. This is a battle you cannot win.


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## zaliblue

uhmm....at that age, it varies....I have a 27 month old who used to nap all of the time, and now he refuses, and probably has been refusing since he was about 18 months old....


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## anotherguy

Do it yourself, and learn to deal with it.

Nothing, and I mean nothing will sow the seeds of resentment faster than your wife feeling like you expect her to be the house cleaner.

I am with you on this in some ways. I feel like my wife is a slob too sometimes - our house is always a disaster and if I try to take care of one of her piles of crap - she runs over saying 'I'll do it, I just havent got to it yet!". Total packrat. She acuses me of wanting to live 'in a museum'. (rolleyes).

What I have come to believe though - is that taking care of a couple of kids is pretty demanding - and they are like walking hurricanes. It simply never ends. The idea that a SAHM 'has it pretty good' is something of an illusion, though you say you have a maid and a nanny to boot... so yeah - she has it a bit easier than many.

I'm sort of with 'Runs with a Dog' on this.

If I were you, I would makea little extra effort to do some things yourself simply to illustrate how important it is you you *beyond* simply having the expectation that she do it. Try not to pout because I bet she will see you doing these things as a passive accusation and in that sense it is a no-win scenario. Maybe she will play along. She should. Also make sure and give her a little positive feedback on the things does do. 

Having a disaster in the house makes me nuts - but I wonder how different it would be if I was the SAHD and she worked full time? I'm not so sure it would be terribly different, so I try to cut her more than a little slack. I know she is doing the best she can, and she is not lazy. Her priorities differ a little from mine - of course... but I have learned to accept it to some extent. I could easily turn it into a relationship threatening conflict, but I have decided its not worth it.


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## ImaginationStation

Personally, I was a massive slob back when I was a single mom. Since meeting my husband, moving out of reduced housing, and having our second child, I would like to think I have gotten SO much better at cleaning. 

Every woman struggles with something, for me it's dishes and laundry. I am a SAHM but also a work at home mom. I could go deeper into my situation, but I have plenty of reasons why I can be lazy, some also has to do with surroundings. 

I think she'll learn at her own pace and eventually get sick of it herself, or it may just be too difficult for her. I am very far off to where I would like to be, but I do know that if my husband called me lazy and a slob, I would be greatly offended. She knows what she is, whatever colorful words she decides to use to describe herself is her choice.

I think in a nutshell, I commend you for sticking with her, picking a messy woman to love, because we often have the BEST personalities! LOL You've gotten a maid, but in the grand scheme of things, I don't let clutter or mess ruin my outlook on life. It'll all be gone when you leave this world, so spend time with your children and wife and take it day by day.


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## PBear

Zombie thread alert...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nikita2270

> Do it yourself, and learn to deal with it.
> 
> Nothing, and I mean nothing will sow the seeds of resentment faster than your wife feeling like you expect her to be the house cleaner.


Are you kidding me?

I'm a working mom. When my kids were little, I worked 60 hour weeks and my house was spotless....always has been. I clean as I go.

I generally pre-freeze my meals on weekends so dinner gets on the table when I get home from work.

Its perfectly reasonable to expect to have a clean, organized home. If she can't get off her butt to clean...then tell her to go to work and earn a living.

You are out earning a living and she's too lazy to pick up a vacuum cleaner in the 8 hours you're gone? I think that's bull.

Personally, I would never put up with having to support any grown adult but since you have a dependent living in your house...she might as well be expected to do the bare minimum and clean the house. Anything else is ridiculous.

By the way: The easiest way to keep your house clean is to keep it very organized. Organizing is a skill but you can find help for professional organizers online who might help get her started. You need to set your expectations for your marriage and make sure you guys are both in agreement. In my opinion, she's been extremely lazy, ungrateful and is taking advantage of you. You need to get clear with her on the rules of her not contributing financially.


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## QueenofEverything

Nikita2270 said:


> Are you kidding me?
> 
> I'm a working mom. When my kids were little, I worked 60 hour weeks and my house was spotless....always has been.


Were your kids in the house all day while you were working 60 hours a week?

Nevermind, it doesn't matter. I see from the rest of your post that you must be quite a charming person to engage in a discussion with.


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