# Sad, discouraged, angry, fed up



## striving

My husband treats me like a doormat and I'm so heartbroken and exhausted and discouraged and sad. I do absolutley everything in the home and family except for the two jobs he has that pays for the rent and expenses. When he's home, he's laying down w/ his eyes closed, telling our kids to give him a massage and make him coffee, or he's on the computer ignoring all of us. We've been married almost 11 years and marriage has been the greatest disappointment of my entire life. We have 3 kids under 8 yrs old. I'm glad my husband has a job, the hours total to about 55 hours/week and I'm sorry that he's tired. I also have a job. But life has more responsibilities than an employment, and I do all of that. From answering the kids' tough questions about God, to paying the bills, to making appointments, to answering all the emails...I even had to fix the broken headlight on my car because my husband does not take care of me for things even such as that. I have done the dinner/bath/bed routine alone with the kids ever since we started having kids - even if he is home, which is rare (because even if he's not working, he leaves to go to other people's houses), he is not involved.

Perhaps worse than anything, he's a pastor. He even preached last Sunday on the family and on the man that fears God and what his home is like. I had to sit there and listen to that! I wanted to throw up and scream and cry all at the same time. And the problem is, I can't talk to him about any of this. He twists my words and makes it all my fault and if I cry he becomes hostile, so I always do anything possible to not cry in front of him.

Why am I venting at this moment? I asked him if he was going to eat dinner and at what time (he has an odd schedule), so he said 4pm, so I made him a hot dinner (one of about only 5 different meals that he'll eat, he's very picky and doesn't like anything I make, it seems), only for him to call me and say didn't I hear him? He told me he'd go have dinner at a friend's house. He said he told me, and that it wasn't his fault if I hung up when we both said "bye" on the phone (my only guess is that he said that about dinner after I hung up?). So I have this huge plate of food for him and he's not coming home, plus, he spoke to me rudely and irritated that I didnt' hear him when he obviously said it. No apologies, of course. No compassion that I made him a meal and due to a misunderstanding he's not going to eat it.

I'm so exhausted. I am the dad AND the mom in this house. I won't divorce, I don't agree with that. So how can I live like this?! Is this all there is? Are there any good marriages out there? Are there any men who are kind and loving and compassionate to their wives, involved with their children?? I know I need to go around with a happy attitude and to treat him with love and respect (even tho I don't respect him - what is there to respect??), but how in the world can I do that when I have to do everything and on top of that he treats me like crud and takes me for granted? After my second child was born (with no epidural) he said I was a "coward" because of the way I screamed from the pain. The day of the sonogram for our last baby he had said to me he thought he married the wrong person, and we had a bad argument where I cried a lot, and during the sonogram he wouldnt look at me or speak to me or sit close.

This is PAINFUL! How in the world can we grow old together and how can I get a glimmer of the hope that God offers??

I don't know what to do. Talking to him makes things much, much worse. Do I have to live the rest of my married life behind the walls that I have to build in order to somewhat protect my heart?

Thanks for letting me vent. Maybe I'll feel better just getting to talk about it. I don't have any friends locally but one, and I wouldn't tell her all these things about my marriage anyway. I'm so alone.


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## chefmaster

You know what they say about small, tight-knit communities: They have no problems, because everyone knows everything about everybody and when a problem arises it's found out quickly and solved because more than enough people show up to help.

You have at your disposal such a community. The Church.

If you are not close friends with anyone there, make that happen. The question of what it's like to be married to a pastor will come up soon enough, just be honest.

It may not solve the problem but it will certainly help your state of mind to hear others opinions on the subject and who knows, you may just get some help from your community


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## striving

Yeah, easier said than done, of course! My husband works at night, so I can't go out then. And as soon as I get off work I come home so he can go to work and I watch the little one while he naps, etc., etc. it's complicated. If I ask him to stay home with the kids on a night that he doesn't work, it only sparks an argument and more problems.

Plus, I can't talk about my marriage to people at church because I don't want to taint their view of him. They all think he's a great, holy guy. And outside the home, he is.


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## chefmaster

You don't have to 'out' him as a bad guy to the church, what you need are married girlfriends that can relate to your problems within your marriage.
Friends who you can hang out with and can even possibly watch the kids for you sometimes when you need to get away from the madness.


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## striving

I do have friends, just not on that deep of a level.

Meanwhile, the marriage still sucks and he still treats me like crud and spends every moment at home on the bed with his eyes closed or on the computer while I work myself to the bone and do everything as if I were a single mom!

I want to be loved. Basic human need.


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## SimplyAmorous

striving said:


> Do I have to live the rest of my married life behind the walls that I have to build in order to somewhat protect my heart?


 Possibly , since you said you will never divorce as you don't believe in it , and you don't want to risk having anyone else think badly of your husband, the well respected Pastor. 

Until your thoughts on the 1st become a little more "open", you will most likely become ever more Resentful of your husband & what the marraige has slowly become. Sometimes Change will only take place with daring Confrontation & blatant honesty - with a willingness to compromise on both sides. Are you willing to go there - will he? If not, you must choose between Vows (possibly misery) or getting out and finding someone more compatible -to live out the rest of your life.

I know Christians believe in a life after this, maybe that is why they allow themselves to be used, abused & stick to vows when they are in pain daily, for some even death might be more inviting. (I've read such stories from some devoted believers) I personally feel this is insanity. 



striving said:


> Perhaps worse than anything, he's a pastor. He even preached last Sunday on the family and on the man that fears God and what his home is like. I had to sit there and listen to that! I wanted to throw up and scream and cry all at the same time. And the problem is, I can't talk to him about any of this. He twists my words and makes it all my fault and if I cry he becomes hostile, so I always do anything possible to not cry in front of him.


 Have you ever sat him down, shared with him your DEEP hurt over the years, not in a fighting/defensive heat of the moment manner but more of "let's help our marraige" time discussion ? Take the time, even if you have to get out of the house alone on neutral ground. As a Pastor, he has to counsel many in this way, he should be able to engage himself in a like fashion. 

Have you ever talked again about the comment spoken on the day of the sonogram (no apology from him)? That you feel alone, often pushed aside so he can take care of "his sheep", his children are suffering, manly duties are being ignored. 

Something has got to give. To continue "stuffing" your feelings is never the answer in life. It will only come out in eventually needing depression meds to cope, Resentment, 
or some kind of explosion that could be very destructive in nature.


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## RandomDude

> As a Pastor, he has to counsel many in this way, he should be able to engage himself in a like fashion.


Pastors, ministers, all human.


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## mentallydrained

RandomDude said:


> Pastors, ministers, all human.


:iagree: And....maybe it's like some who they are great in their profession, yet do are not able, or do not see it needs fixed in their own lives? Example: Some hairdressers do not take care of them selves, yet, make other's look and feel beautiful. Nail Techs, are great at making your nails look nice, yet, they do not take time to do their own. Possibly the same here with him?


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## Pandakiss

i dont know what to say..im sorry this is your life, i agree with EW, sometimes we are to close to the situation to see how we are acting.

maybe his job is more of a strain on him emotionaly than he lets on. it could be hes just bottling it all inside.

even psychiatrist need other psychiatrist to talk to once a week.
just putting an opinoin out there. i hope you find answers


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## cb45

thought i answered this one b4...hmm.

simple answer for a complex prob/question is this:

u need the H>S> to help u both out.

1. to convict him of his "sin(s)" (if u r accurate)

2. to convict u also of things u dont see/understand.

KISS.....shalom yehid.


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## Tru2mself

If after work he would rather go to his friend`s house than coming home to his wife who has cooked him dinner and is waiting for him , you should cut out all the intimacy with him , if he doesn`t treat you the way you feel you have to be treated , he no longer gets the desert.


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## dadda11o

I felt a lot like you are saying some years back. Like you,my husband was picky, non-appreciative, would say mean things. Oh yes, it was fun. When we moved here, he had a simple request one evening. "Don't tell my parents that we're going to Arby's. My Dad will get mad that we're wasting our money." Fast forward six years or so. Two kids, full-time job, non-working husband. I wanted to sleep all the time. Went into counseling. Took a while, but started to feel better. Became a bit more assertive (like I used to be, before the first of many simple requests chipped away at the real me). Started talking about changes. The man became a monster and basically, I had a nervous breakdown courtesy of him. We're on our second divorce now. We're both supposed to be Christian, hah! He's having an affair and when I found out, he filed for divorce and tried to scare me out of the house. You know your husband well. Use caution with guys who belittle, say mean things and don't seem to care. Everything would have turned out differently had I known that back then. If he came to his senses today, I'd make the marriage work, 'cause I can. He can't and refuses to try (except for a period of time before and shortly after I came back). I know he won't, 'cause he's stupidly stubborn. Hopefully, your husband is nowhere near the level mine is...if you can't feel comfortable talking, find some friends to just hang out with and do fun things with. I used to think everybody else had a better marriage or were better Christians...I'm disillusioned. Sometimes you can bring up frustrations with friends in a humorous way ... I remember one of our former pastor's wives. She always looked so withdrawn, pale...I might have been a bit surprised had she told me why...but I hope I'd be understanding. By the same token, all kinds of people went up to the hospital (50 miles away)to pray with and for my husband when he had a heart attack last year. I asked if a few people from church would come to the house and pray with me during this divorce stuff. That was nearly 3 months ago...still waiting. Talk to a few people on lesser matters. Eventually, you'll figure out which ones are genuine and trustworthy and not just trying to be the image. God I trust, people not as much. Hang in there, though...things get better. Your husband may be just as frustrated and unhappy, but with life and nothing (really) to do with you. Just that we take it out on each other and don't really compare notes very well. Kick back with him one day and don't do any talking other than to ask questions about how he sees his life frustrations, hope and how he sees the future and listen to his answers.


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## striving

Thanks for all the feedback...I bought the Love Dare book and am doing that, one day at a time. Something has to change, and why wait till death for the other person to take the initiative? I might as well do it. I have nothing to lose.

Yeah, shocking to find out that most marriages are struggling. I guess I always thought marriages were generally good, with the partners being good friends, etc., but with a few bumps along the way. On the contrary, it seems to be all bumps and struggles. I want to like my husband, I want to love him, I want to be in love with him. I want to dream about him when I sleep. So here goes - my mind is going to lead my heart until my heart willingly follows....


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