# Is it greener on the other side?



## VictoriaTT (Dec 21, 2012)

I feel like running away from my marriage, I have been with this man since I was 14 years old, so 13 years now, married for 3 years, I have no idea whats out there, i have never dated, not a clue. 

When i'm on my own I feel completely exhilerated and energised, I love feeling independent and free. I loved it. When i'm home with him I feel trapped, anxious and I feel like this relationship is taken every last bit of energy from me. It's such hard work. I'm tired of trying to be happy when i'm not. 

I'm a motivated person, I earn more than double than my husband, i'm always studying new things and trying new things, I have goals and aspirations. He has no goals or drive, he is always complaining about his job but he won't get an education or fight for a new job, he can't sell himself or be enthusiastic enough about anything to convinceanyone to give him any opporunities. I'm starting to think there must be a better life out there. 

He loves me to pieces and I have explained my unhappiess and my goals with him and he wants me to stay, but will he change? I can't 'fix' him, i'm tired of trying. Not sure what to do. He loves me so I should stay, but i'm unhappy. Should it be this hard? Is this normal? Or is there better out there? I woudn't know.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I feel your pain. I met my H when I was 15...dated through high school, got married when I was 19. 19 years later, I have similar feelings to yours. I wish I would've recognized them sooner like you have. But I didn't allow myself to think about it b/c I figured I married him willingly so I should just have to deal with it. 

But...at such a young age, I didn't know what I really wanted out of life. I didn't know what a true, mature partnership really felt like. I am much like you...I feel free and energized when I'm alone. When I'm with him, I feel repressed, anxious, and sad. He too will complain about everything but do nothing to change things. 

There is a mismatch with my H and I in how we envision our ideal lifestyle. If I want more than what we have, or if what I want will take hard work and sacrifice, he thinks I'm being unrealistic. 

I don't have a lot of advice for you except dont go on indefinitely like I have always hoping things will magically get better. They won't. Not without a lot of effort on your part and your husband's. Seek counseling. Try to get him to go, but if he won't, go on your own.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It doesn't sound like you are compatible at all....you being a very energetic success driven independent woman, who married a simple man, maybe a little on the lazy side, but not the same goals and aspirations... you've only been married for 3 yrs... was he this way 3 yrs ago also ....after being together dating for 11 yrs before this?

I don't feel it is "like work" to be happy when a couple is truly compatible. You're feeling trapped & anxious, that this relationship is zapping your last bit of energy ....it's not a good place to be, you can't just STUFF this... resentment will grow.

Click on this link... Emotional Needs Questionnaire  ...print these out for the both of you.... as a starting point .... so you can see where each is at... and if you'd both be willing to work on the relationship, to see if it can be salvaged. 


Taken from this book .... His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  



> * 10 Emotional needs:
> *
> 1. Admiration
> 2. Affection
> ...


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## VictoriaTT (Dec 21, 2012)

Thanks for your thoughts "waking up to life". You are so hitting the nail on the head, but it's also not what I want to hear. I want to salvage but he has always been like this and i'm just coping with it less and less as the years go on. I wonder if he will change? I'm just not sure.
"SimplyAmorous" that is an interesting list of things. And most oft he time I do get most ofthe things on that list. The big one missing is Conversation. I feel like he needs more life experiences to be an interesting person. But I can't make him do these things. I have travel the world without him, twice. I do short courses, go to seminars, play sport, I wish he would do stuff too so we had more stuff to talk about. He is great around the house, he cooks dinner everynight, cleans to house, sex is brilliant (which sometimes I think is what has kept us together for so long), I wish it was enough.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

VictoriaTT said:


> =He is great around the house, he cooks dinner everynight, cleans to house, sex is brilliant (which sometimes I think is what has kept us together for so long), I wish it was enough.


He sounds like a great wife. No wonder you want to dump him. Do him a favor though and divorce him before you start stepping out. Assuming you haven't already done so, of course.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

Stop trying to change him and work on your goals and aspirations. Either he will come with you or he won't, that is up to him, you cannot MAKE him want the same things as you do.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

The thing about marriage is it is a committment. If your spouse has an serious accident or comes down with a disease and you start seeing life would be nicer without them, is it then right to dump them for greener pastures?

No marriage is perfect and no matter what age we marry, most people likely think at some point that they could have married better.

We get out of a marriage what we put into it. Blaming your spouse is only a reflection on you.

IMHO.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

This is why no one these days should get married before the age of 30.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> He sounds like a great wife. No wonder you want to dump him. Do him a favor though and divorce him before you start stepping out. Assuming you haven't already done so, of course.


Because he is meeting her needs physically doesn't mean she is being selfish for wanting her emotional and intellectual needs to be met.


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## TryingandFrustrated (Nov 7, 2012)

Maybe some counseling for the two of you to see if that will help the communication issue you feel you have between the two of you. Even though at this point I'm not a big proponent for counseling, but that is due to my own issues with my MC.

I've thought about your question in the subject line, and keep coming back to what a friend stated to me. The grass is greener where it is watered, not necessarily on the other side.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

VictoriaTT said:


> I feel like running away from my marriage, I have been with this man since I was 14 years old, so 13 years now, married for 3 years, I have no idea whats out there, i have never dated, not a clue.
> 
> When i'm on my own I feel completely exhilerated and energised, I love feeling independent and free. I loved it. When i'm home with him I feel trapped, anxious and I feel like this relationship is taken every last bit of energy from me. It's such hard work. I'm tired of trying to be happy when i'm not.
> 
> ...


Just because he doesn't have the drive and ambition that you do means he needs to be "fixed". And why should he... he's been like this forever, right? You need to decide if what he is really is what you want.

As to the question, you have to define "greener". Sure, you could end up with a guy who is as ambitious and accomplished as you, but he may be one who is never around and when he isn't, he's getting something on the side.

Or you could get a guy who has everything going for him and when you get into a relationship he's controlling and keeps you down.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

TryingandFrustrated said:


> The grass is greener where it is watered, not necessarily on the other side.


Never heard this before...how true it is. But will always take 2 !









I am not one to think people should stay together when they are miserable, you can't stuff your feelings of resentment, it won't work ...they will only resurface or you will learn how to NUMB your emotions in order to cope....this is not living...

If you don't have a willing giving partner who cares & is motivated to understanding you, your needs, wants & desires......and deeply, being that helpmate....when you know you could find this with another .....to stay in my opinion, especially if you don't have children yet....would only cause a deep depression, wasted years, then 15 more will pass and she'll be here saying... I wasted my life, my youth...and nothing has changed. 

Will you have regrets (if all remains the same from his end) ...can you live with what IS, has always been... accept him for who he is , find such peace...these are the questions? But do open the dialog and hear one another before jumping ship. 


My parents divorced, my dad marrying her best friend growing up.....the GRASS was way lush & greener for him (and my step mother)....they're still so very much in love...it's inspiring really...I thank God for her today, even though I was a casualty of that breakup.

If my parents would have stayed together... what a mistake it would have been, everyone would have miserable, they had virtually nothing in common ...yep, married too young, he was blinded by Lust... she was naive.....didn't realize what she wanted in life... The desires of their hearts couldn't have been further apart.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

VictoriaTT said:


> The big one missing is Conversation.


That's a pretty big one for most women. It's why a man can get a woman to fall in love with him by just talking to her. Affairs start that way all of the time.



VictoriaTT said:


> I feel like he needs more life experiences to be an interesting person.


You may not realize it, but that's kind of a disrespectful judgement on your part. 



VictoriaTT said:


> But I can't make him do these things. I have travel the world without him, twice. I do short courses, go to seminars, play sport, I wish he would do stuff too so we had more stuff to talk about.


I'd suggest that you get out and do more things TOGETHER. Create shared experiences that you can have fun conversations about afterward.

It's very important for you to make sure that the most pleasurable experiences you have in life are when you are together. If you do that, you will begin to associate your spouse with those good experiences. As it is now, it seems like all of you fun happens when you are apart. 

That's probably why you feel so free and energized when apart and trapped when you are home. You associate being away with good feelings and being home with bad ones.


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## TryingandFrustrated (Nov 7, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Never heard this before...how true it is. But will always take 2 !
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I agree with not staying together if miserable and you've tried everything you can to work them out. If you've watered your grass in your relationship and used all the fertilizer you can find or are willing to use, and things are still miserable, then I'd say it is probably time to go find some greener pastures.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> Because he is meeting her needs physically doesn't mean she is being selfish for wanting her emotional and intellectual needs to be met.


I didn't say she was selfish. I said it was completely understandable why she would have low attraction for such a delta-type dude.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

You say he loves you. Do you love him?


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## WhatASituation (Sep 27, 2012)

So young and only three years of marriage? Just leave him to give him a chance to find someone else as well. Do this now before you have three kids and are north of 40!


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

It took you 10+3 years to realize that he is not the one for you? Or was it just when you started to get ahead of him professionally?

It seems to me that you are soon going to find out the answer yourself whether the grass on the other side is greener or not. I will only tell you one thing that I heard long time ago and I wish I had followed it in my own life: 'always marry someone who will love you little more than you love that person'.

Life moves in cycles. You are more successful now, but good times don't stay with us forever. I guess that your husband stayed with you when you were a nobody. But now you are suddenly too good for him. I understand that everyone wants a life partner who is a complete package- that person should have everything- money, brain, looks, great on bed, caring, great cook, great with kids, honest, loyal, compassionate, and with every other imaginable virtues. But when it comes to ourselves, we can continue to be the deeply flawed person and the life partner should love us for who we are. Nevertheless, the life partner has to be the perfect one.

You painted your husband as a lazy, ungrateful bastard with no brain to appreciate your finer qualities. Are you sure you are telling him what you need in the right words? MC is an option, or both of you can read the book 'The Five Love Languages'. But at the end of the day, I guess, it all comes down to whether you understand the meaning of marriage, commitment, and companionship or not.

I feel sorry for unsuspecting spouses who keep thinking that they are doing everything they can until they get hit by the D bus which then leaves for that mythical greener pasture(s).

Happiness comes from within, then we project that happiness on our surroundings. When was the last time you were truly happy? Were you happy before you met your husband, or did he make you a better person?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

after 13 years with a person you should have a pretty good idea whether that person can change and, perhaps more importantly, wants to change. 
what are you willing to live with?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

VictoriaTT said:


> I feel like running away from my marriage, I have been with this man since I was 14 years old, so 13 years now, married for 3 years, I have no idea whats out there, i have never dated, not a clue.
> 
> When i'm on my own I feel completely exhilerated and energised, I love feeling independent and free. I loved it. When i'm home with him I feel trapped, anxious and I feel like this relationship is taken every last bit of energy from me. It's such hard work. I'm tired of trying to be happy when i'm not.
> 
> ...


In *most* cases, 14 is too young to choose your life partner.

I have a daughter close to your age. I would advise her to get a divorce before she got pregnant.


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## LiveFastDieOld (Dec 1, 2012)

VictoriaTT said:


> When i'm on my own I feel completely exhilerated and energised, I love feeling independent and free. I loved it. When i'm home with him I feel trapped, anxious and I feel like this relationship is taken every last bit of energy from me. It's such hard work. I'm tired of trying to be happy when i'm not.


I could have written that.

20 years with a much older woman from the age of 16. No arguments to speak of, nothing sticks out as a major problem (there could be more sex), but I feel like you do. There (appears to me) to be so much out there I feel I need to do.

You have one distinct advantage though - you have no children.


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