# How important is it for you....



## lesley70 (Oct 8, 2012)

How important is it for you to see what the OM or OW looks like?

My H cheated on me with a coworker and I have this need to see what she looks like. She doesn't work there any longer, left before I found out about there ONS at a works night out. Am I weird?

What do others think about this?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

lesley70 said:


> How important is it for you to see what the OM or OW looks like?
> 
> My H cheated on me with a coworker and I have this need to see what she looks like. She doesn't work there any longer, left before I found out about there ONS at a works night out. Am I weird?
> 
> What do others think about this?


Not in all cases, but most guys cheat with less appealing women. Why? Because married women who cheat usually cheat with good looking married/single men who are well taken care of and they fall in love with those men. All the while the men involved who are married have a more beautiful wife at home and are only in it for sex and they would never leave their amazing wife for OW.

That's just one side of it.

Would you want to see her? I'd say its best not too and ask your husband to change departments or get a new job since this is a co worker if you want anything near reconciliation to be possible.

P.S. Please keep a doubt that it was a ONS, and only a ONS. trickle truth...


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## lesley70 (Oct 8, 2012)

It does concern me that it wasn't just a ONS, but how can i prove or disprove that? I have made contact with OW for that very reason, to clarify some things that don't add up, but she isn't interested, tried telling me it was a stupid mistake and she'd never cheated on her H before. That i shouldn't cause trouble over something as stupid as a 'kiss' it was way more than a kiss from what my H has confessed.

Said they didn't go all the way, and that she'd never do that to her H, even though she was lying in a bed with my H.

She tells me in email that she has now told her H, which i doubt. She has ceased to reply to my emails, so what can i do? She says she has informed the police as i'm harassing her! I have asked her to meet up with me, I only wanted the truth from her, nothing more.

I have seen a scrappy head shot of her on some site, but its quite blurred and she doesn't look great. She looks quite a bit older than me. So you are right on that count!

But I want to see her, all of her, to see what he risked everything for..does that make sense?

She hasn't worked in the company for some months now, doesn't mean they haven't made contact since the sh*t hit the fan! I only have my H word for anything, and he's a lying cheater so.......


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

lesley, you sound like you are going through similar to me right now.

I can understand your need to see the OW. Maybe it will make us feel better, maybe worse....maybe we just want the picture in our head of what they look like.

But yes, i can understand. Like you I have seen a fairly bad pic of OW, but it isn't enough and i am thinking of going to see her, whether she likes it or not.

I have made contact, but she is trying to make light of what happened. My H has told me more than she has, but like you, I just don't know what to believe.


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

I know what the ow looks like and she has nothing on me. She as my friends call her a big Ronald McDonald.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I think it's fairly normal to want to see what the other person was like. You can't trust a word she says though, not one word. You should track down her husband and inform him of her activity, he has a right to know. Give him a copy if any proof you have if you feel like it, then she'll have a harder time lying about it.

Then drop it and move on from her. She is not your problem, never was. Your biggest problem now is you. You have to figure out who you really are now. What do you want, what can you accept, how will you behave. So much upheaval, and just because your husband decided he would rather be selfish than honest with you.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Normal....we always want to see what the fuss was about. In my case her facebook picture was pretty, but I saw it after I found out what she was truly about. She strikes me as the type that would stab you in the back in high school.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

It wasn't that important to me, but may have been had we gone the route of possible R instead of D.

WD


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

I hope you have exposed to her husband. I know I'd like to be notified if my spouse was whor*** around.

She probably gave him a nice trickle truth, to save face, dignity, lessen the consequence and the feeling of guilt, of shame and to save him pain.

These cheaters follow a script. Trickle truth, as much truth as possible so it wouldn't exactly be considered a blatant lie, just enough for you to get a hint of what happened, what he did. Minimization, justification, blame shift, gas lighting etc


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

lesley70 said:


> It does concern me that it wasn't just a ONS, but how can i prove or disprove that? I have made contact with OW for that very reason, to clarify some things that don't add up, but she isn't interested, tried telling me it was a stupid mistake and she'd never cheated on her H before. That i shouldn't cause trouble over something as stupid as a 'kiss' it was way more than a kiss from what my H has confessed.
> 
> Said they didn't go all the way, and that she'd never do that to her H, even though she was lying in a bed with my H.
> 
> ...



Call her H and tell him immediately. She is lying. Why would your confess more if kiss was all she did. her H needs to know.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

:iagree:


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

lesley70 said:


> How important is it for you to see what the OM or OW looks like?
> 
> My H cheated on me with a coworker and I have this need to see what she looks like. She doesn't work there any longer, left before I found out about there ONS at a works night out. Am I weird?
> 
> What do others think about this?


I HAD to know.All the times I was cheated on I couldn't rest until i knew what the other person looked like.I admit it was a shallow pointless need.
It didn't do anything for me other than allow me to lick my wounds repeating over and over things like "her butt was huge and she had a face like Trigger."
As if it would somehow soften the blow if the person was hideous looking...like the affair was about looks.I don't know where I was going with that line of thinking,i should have known better.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I agree with Warlock7. Contact the husband. Like my wife's oldest brother told me a kiss is cheater code for "we had sex". Stop contacting her. Let her go. 

All the guys my wife has been involved with I have been able to see. All average guys. Yes it helped me. For me the desire to contact them was fairly great but as many on TAM have suggested it was more of a waste of time due to fact that cheaters lie.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why would you beieve the OW when she said she told her husband? The same woman who said it was "just a kiss" when your husband said they had sex?

What you do is this: find he husband and tell him yourself. Don't give the OW or your husband any warning about this (because they will plot to get the stories straight). If he's on acebook, send him a private message.

It's very normal to want to know what the OW/OM look like. I think it's our ego or something, that we want to know. In my case, the bevy of women my exH was soliciting online for sex were not that attractive. Thre may have been 1 but that was it. As for the other women he dealt with, I am sorry to sound mean but one of them looked like a horse an dothers like trannies. Very cheap looking women. Not to toot my own horn but I am an attractive gal and so I my exH. I could NOT at all believe what he was going after/flirting with. I thought, WTF? (And sex was not a problem for us).


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Human nature...aren't we all even curious about what exes looked like, too? That's why people Face-Stalk.

Tell the husband; blow it out of the water.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I contacted the OM in my case, but I'm kind of weird. I hadn't known about TAM, and was making up how to deal as I went. I waited for over a week after dday for my wife to trickle out that it was more than an EA, because I didn't tell her how much I knew, and I wanted that to be her choice. It was important to me that she should trust me enough to come clean by her own choice, otherwise I felt why bother? So I had an email already for several days before I sent it. I never insisted on absolutely NC, because I also thought that was kind of pointless, after all I can't control either of them, if they want contact they'll do it anyway, and I also thought it was very likely to happen. What I did manage to pull off was that when they did make contact it was on a channel that I was monitoring, and my wife knew it. I also had a separate way to contact him that my wife was not privy to. I think the result in the end was that I wad able to intimidate him into not trying to rekindle things, plus he admitted things to me that he would not have to her, that I could share, and that let him tarnish his own image, in a way she would not accept from me. Like one day he told me he dreaded the email notification sound on his phone, because the contact stressed him out, that was a huge letdown for her as the reality sank in (I didn't inform his wife for a couple months, not until my wife came out of the fog and went NC by her choice, so he was terribly worried about me).


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Don't try to facebook the husband, the ow might just intercept it. Track him down in person if you can.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Of course you want to know what she looks like. I am sure you asked your WS about what happened. I would bet as many have said here that he traded down. Whatever you do try not to compare yourself with the OW

You have not mentioned this but are you playing what happened in your head over and over again. That is something I did. Try to get past this if you can. I am sorry you are here.

I would also recommened that you expose to OW's SP. Are you in your husband in MC?


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Not in all cases, but most guys cheat with less appealing women. Why? Because married women who cheat usually cheat with good looking married/single men who are well taken care of and they fall in love with those men. All the while the men involved who are married have a more beautiful wife at home and are only in it for sex and they would never leave their amazing wife for OW.
> 
> That's just one side of it.
> 
> ...


Not in my case. I went to my daughters hs football game a few weeks ago with my gf. I knew that my XW would be there with the AP. A friend of mine asked who the old cancer survivor was with my xw. Said I looked like George Clooney compared to the Steve Buscemi that she was with.


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## lesley70 (Oct 8, 2012)

Thanks for responses, don't feel quite so weird now.

I don't believe she told her H, It's very probable she is lying to me so that I won't go near him. I also don't think she has informed the police, but if she has, where am I heading if I continue to pursue her for information or her H to inform him?

He needs to know, but I can't make contact with him, I don't know him and can't find him on FB. I only know their home addres. It seems very harsh turning up out of the blue to tell some poor guy his wife was cheating. Do I really want to do that? Yes I do, but is it the right thing to do?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She hasn't told her husband. And that is exactly why she told you that she told him--so you won't do anything crazy, like impose on her marriage, like she did to you.

Too bad, so sad, I say.

I would totally find out who he is and contact him unbeknowst to her or your husband.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lesley70 said:


> How important is it for you to see what the OM or OW looks like?
> 
> My H cheated on me with a coworker and I have this need to see what she looks like. She doesn't work there any longer, left before I found out about there ONS at a works night out. Am I weird?
> 
> What do others think about this?


I met my wife's OM. He wasn't anything to look at. Though maybe it was his magnetic personality?

And no, Lesley, you are not weird.


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## lesley70 (Oct 8, 2012)

mahike said:


> Of course you want to know what she looks like. I am sure you asked your WS about what happened. I would bet as many have said here that he traded down. Whatever you do try not to compare yourself with the OW
> 
> You have not mentioned this but are you playing what happened in your head over and over again. That is something I did. Try to get past this if you can. I am sorry you are here.
> 
> I would also recommened that you expose to OW's SP. Are you in your husband in MC?


Yes I am playing it through my head, it's not nice being in this place I am at. No we are not at MC. He isn't much good at conveying what he feels, maybe we need MC.

I am worried to go down this path as their job is to fix marriages that are breaking down, and I wonder if they apportion blame genuinely.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lesley70 said:


> Yes I am playing it through my head, it's not nice being in this place I am at. No we are not at MC. He isn't much good at conveying what he feels, maybe we need MC.
> 
> I am worried to go down this path as their job is to fix marriages that are breaking down, and I wonder if they apportion blame genuinely.


Not always. A friend went to MC (her husband chickened out) and the MC was able to help my friend conclude that the marriage was really over and to divorce her husband. Who had ran off with her best friend, who left her female lover for my friend's husband. My friend was pregnant with twins, so the whole thing was a nasty mess.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Showing up and telling him is less harsh than cheating on him. This is not your fault. What if your situation was reversed, would you like some other person making the decision to keep you in the dark? Or would you rather know that the person you trust above all others had betrayed that trust, so that you can make your own decisions? The trick, with only the home address, is getting to him alone, so you can get all the information you need to out. If the ow is there, most likely all hell would break loose in the beginning. Have you tried looking up their address online through google? You might get his name that way, then his work. That's where I found the omw, and was able to have an uninterrupted chat.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Also, in my case at least, I was incredibly resentful at being in the circle of deceit, keeping the OM's secret for him. In my case there were several people around me, who my wife confided in about the affair, and not one let on in any way to me.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

It is very normal and mot of the time they do not stand a chance with us. So do not sweat the small stuff, my stbexh cheated with a coworker that looks and is the size of a Pekinese (the dog)!

My divorce hearing is tomorrow and he is literally next to me begging for another chance. The question is what do you want to do?


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## lesley70 (Oct 8, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> It is very normal and mot of the time they do not stand a chance with us. So do not sweat the small stuff, my stbexh cheated with a coworker that looks and is the size of a Pekinese (the dog)!
> 
> My divorce hearing is tomorrow and he is literally next to me begging for another chance. The question is what do you want to do?


So what are you going to do? 

I feel like filing for divorce, but then I'd be left with nothing, lose our home, the kids would find out their dad is a failure of a husband and a father.....it's so hard to know what to do. I'm going to give myself the luxury of time. See what the next days, weeks, months maybe, bring to the table. How does any betrayed spouse ever know they know the whole truth. The deceit is worse than the actual act of betrayal!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

It's not totally imperative that I knew what both of STBXW's out-of-town BF's looked like, but after doing their phone number ID search from her cell-phone bill, and then googling their names, it wasn't really all that difficult to find their photos posted up on the net.

While STBXW's HS boyfriend, who she likely had an EA(possibly PA) with, was somewhat handsome, I was quite surprised to see that the other man's(who she had a PA with) photo could probably be aptly found in Webster's listed right under the word "lardbutt!"


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

LOL, lardbutt!! Isn't it weird they cheat a step down or three or four.

The old saying" why go out for a slug when you have prime beef steak at home" springs to mind!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lesley70 said:


> She says she has informed the police as i'm harassing her! I have asked her to meet up with me, I only wanted the truth from her, nothing more.
> 
> .


You can not call her again once she asks you to stop. 

Still, you can contact her husband. Find out where he works and call him so she can't intercept the call. 

Identify yourself immediately and ask for permission to go on. 

I doubt she told her husband.

The OW In my STBEH's affair was pleasingly plumb and young but very sun damaged with dry skin and fried bleached hair. 

That part was insulting to say the least because when I saw her I could see that she was the type of woman, lookswise, he always claimed to dislike. Hmmmmm!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lesley70 said:


> He needs to know, but I can't make contact with him, I don't know him and can't find him on FB. I only know their home addres. It seems very harsh turning up out of the blue to tell some poor guy his wife was cheating. Do I really want to do that? Yes I do, but is it the right thing to do?


If you have her home address it will be easy to find his name. 

Try Zaba search, they always list names of relatives. 

You can also hire a detective to get his name. It will be easy for a detective to get his name and work info. 

It won't cost that much either, if you have the address.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> You can not call her again once she asks you to stop.
> 
> Still, you can contact her husband. Find out where he works and call him so she can't intercept the call.


This may be the case, but what can really happen if she says stop and you call another time? She is going to take you to court or have you arrested for calling her? No! (Obviously this is different if you have been calling continuously, harrassing...but there are many processes to go through before court. The first one is a visit from the police asking you to stop calling!). It may also depend on where you are. U.S.? UK? I am in the UK and my situation with OW & police is below.

BTW she has NOT been in touch with the police. They would have been in touch with you to warn you if they had. 

(Though clearly it is pointless trying to get anywhere with her as she has made it clear that she will not give you truth or chat)

I emailed the OW, 1st nice asking her to call (I had paid her a visit once. Thought she might call). I only had her work email BTW. She didn't call so I emailed again and asked her to call saying if she didn't I would expose her to her work and boss - she worked at a school. Then I got a call, I missed it due to phone being downstairs, I was upstairs. So they texted me. This is the police, you have been contacting * * and it is causing distress. Please stop. 

I am causing her distress! WTF! So I carried through with my threat anyway. I mean, what are they gonna do? Get me done for sending 3 emails, telling the truth, (she brought it on herself by her actions) and that is it? I doubt it. A complete waste of police time. I sent the email to her, an email to the headteacher with a copy of the 1st email I sent and the final one to her. I also was very careful in my email to not be threatening, I wrote out what she did, drugs, sex, the things my man told me about her, how she could mess with another woman's man and think there would be no consequence, that she was lucky she messed with me and not a more vengeful woman, I outlined what could happen if she continued any contact with my man, that I had seen her dirty pictures and that my man didn't want them anymore, and wouldn't it be terrible if her pupils at school and colleagues saw them, subtlety laid out all the ways I could f*ck her up, but stated I would not as I am not like that. But I said that if she chose to ignore what I said to her then anything that happened would be down to all her own actions. In the same way a child is warned that if they do something that faces punishment, and then they do it, it is the childs fault. They were warned. 

I didn't hear from the police again. I certainly didn't hear from her either!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

P.S. Yes! Definitely tell the husband. It is at the least he deserves to know, and it the least she deserves also.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> You can not call her again once she asks you to stop.
> 
> Still, you can contact her husband. Find out where he works and call him so she can't intercept the call.
> 
> ...


You could make a communication in the form of a letter from your solicitor/lawyer asking questions that would be pertinent in a court case, like a divorce, etc...


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

lesley70 said:


> So what are you going to do?
> 
> I feel like filing for divorce, but then I'd be left with nothing, lose our home, the kids would find out their dad is a failure of a husband and a father.....it's so hard to know what to do. I'm going to give myself the luxury of time. See what the next days, weeks, months maybe, bring to the table. How does any betrayed spouse ever know they know the whole truth. The deceit is worse than the actual act of betrayal!


:scratchhead: It is perfectly normal also to take your time, you are in no hurry. They may be in a hurry to know what your next move will be, stay in control by not rushing into decisions. You will see that they will twist things and look for ways to manipulate you in order to stay in control of the situation. Most of the time they will do this by playing with your emotions and more when there are kids.

Time passes and you will see that there will come a time when thinking about them, what they did, who they were with and why will not be in your mind every second of the day. Believe me, I went through this. The woman that my stbxh cheated on me with was his co-worker, friend and we had spent time together at each others homes. She has a little girl 2 months older than my son, we were pregnant together. The OW is NEVER better than us. I think most of the time men just take an opportunity and run with it, and even more if the marriage is going through changes (like ours, new baby and all) and their spouses are strong independent women (they feel thretean and have to go find someone weak and stupid).

It has been 10 months already for me and my days are not driven anymore by this. I am back to myself but stronger, happier and more willing to focus on what makes me happy and not him (which I think did not help before). Now he wants back in (he has been begging for more than a month and follows me around like a love sick puppy). This does not make me happy either, but it is what it is. You will see that time heals all and if a reconciliation is down your path only when time has passed will it be real and you will know.

Me, I have no idea what will happen with my marriage, but I am in no hurry. I have a 2 year old who adores me and I am in no hurry to date or see anyone so I can be separated as long as I wish. After a lot of begging from him I granted him postponing the divorce suit for 2 months, with no promises and letting him know it is up to him. I really feel numb at this point, but you never know. I continue to go to IC and I have a life coach, plus spiritual guidance. Surround yourself with good people that will help you, listen to you and have a good time with you. This will also be the time for you to see who is your true friend. Try and do those things that you have always wanted to do, invest time in you. Read, learn, get support and let time pass, it will not be easy but it will get better! We are ALL here for you, maybe one day I will post my story...

PS - I have never contacted her, I am way much better than her and would never put myself through that. Forget about her and her marriage, you have no control over that. Focus on you and what YOU CAN CONTROL. The rest is just BS, you and your kids are the only thing that matter!


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