# Just another statistic.



## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

What can I say. I found out my girlfriend has been cheating on me. I kicked her out, and I'm at a loss as to what to do next. I don't think I'll be able to get over it.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

The best therapy for a breakup is to change something about yourself. Go the route of self improvement, get some new clothes and a new look, start exercising, get a new hobby, start going to new places.

Take ABSOLUTE CHARGE of your life.

You will start to do better, feel better, and look better-for yourself and to other people.

And, when your ready, start meeting new people, start dating again.

And, one day you'll look back on the whole sordid mess, smile and be able to say: "Damn, I got over it!"


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> get some new clothes and a new look, start exercising, get a new hobby, start going to new places.


That's not the problem. I'm young(27), attractive, and in good shape. We're both good-looking people. I don't feel that I need to change myself-- I'm good. 

I found out when she got a phone call from a nomber I didn't recognize. The person kept calling, and finally left a text that described their last meeting. When she got out of the shower I confronted her about it, to which she denied. I showed her the text and she broke down and admitted it. I was too angry to keep listening and told her to GET OUT! She's been calling and texting wanting to come back, but its too much right now.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Give it time...time heals all wounds...I wish I was in your position. It is much better to find out what kind of woman you have before you marry her then after you marry her. If I had found out my wife's behavior before we tied the knot I would have run away from her and never ever looked back. Your girlfriend has told you who "she is". DO NOT IGNORE HER MESSAGE TO YOU.

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Someday your future wife will thank you for dumping this cheater.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Move on dude, your chick is selfish and only wants you you for your stability and security, but yet doesn't want the control that come with it...right?

She wants you.... a nice guy , does everything for her, will always be there right? She also wants the freedom to blow off some steam and be a party girl with the bad boys.

She has little respect for you and yes she wants you but for all the wrong reasons. She will for sure try to manage you and do the damage control needed to get you back, and with very little consequence she will for sure be a serial cheater.

If you do love her show/ teach her a big lesson in life and move on with out her. That my friend will be the biggest gift you can give her.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

I'm at a loss... I don't know where we went wrong... I thought we were doing good. I'm shocked and too embarrassed to tell anyone- I FEEL LIKE [email protected]#. She has her stuff here, so I know she's coming back anytime soon. I don't know how I'm gonna react.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In my experience do not show weakness and do not beg for the relationship, no pleading, no crying.

No matter what show and be confident that you can move on with or with out her. Do not empower your GF by saying things like sorry,please, or I love you.

She must see a confident man that has been greatly hurt and is strong enough to move on. If your about to cry...walk away.

Chicks like confident men, they want there men to be strong and know exectly what they want. Your ckick need to see a man that demands respect.

Do not give her the perseption that you are lost. Let her know that it wasn't "we" that went wrong it was *her* that went wrong. In her cheating. 

As far as the relationship goes it may have been problemmatic and she will for sure shift the blame on you to make her look less evil. The bottom line is still the bottom line and she stepped out.

So please act confident that you can move on or she will walk all over you. If she for one second sees how weak you really feel I can tell you it won't be long before you are the one telling her how sorry you are for her cheating on you. 

You will get through this with or with out her, but first you need to take care of your self then you can take care of your relationship. You need to get better and time will help so do not make any split second dicisions. You are a emotioonal wreck and in a few days you will start to think alittle clearer.

Start a journel it will help find your way, writing your thought down and revisiting it and adding to it will give you some sence of control in how you are feeling from day to day.

Its not what knocks us down that counts, it how we get back up that matters.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

I just want to know who he is... I wanna see who she threw all this away for... Is that wrong? I WANT [email protected] ANSWERS... NOW!


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

BigBri said:


> I just want to know who he is... I wanna see who she threw all this away for... Is that wrong? I WANT [email protected] ANSWERS... NOW!


Remember that dating is a process of finding the right long term mate for yourself. Consider this a victory for you. You weeded out the wrong girl for you before you married her. My girl was able to deceive me and I married her. When we divorce I will have to give her at least 1/2 of all my life's hard work. You are on the hook for nothing $$$$. I envy you. My wife is going to make out like a bandit for doing the wrong thing. 


Thank her for exposing her true self before you made the financial and emotional commitment of marriage. I know it hurts now but ask anyone with a little more experience than you about the situation and this will eventually become a little bump in the road in your life.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

Dude... this is 3 years of my life, though... it was all a lie. I know what you're say, but still... I want to know wtf... ya know. WHY! I won't have piece of mind till I know WHY? Its gonna be eating at me every day of my life if I don't get some answers. Don't I deserve that?-- ANSWERS.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

BigBri said:


> Don't I deserve that?-- ANSWERS.


You certainly do deserve answers...but do we always get what we deserve in life? If you review some of the threads about this issue you'll find most of us never get the satisfactory explanation we deserve. It is why cheaters should be avoided at all cost when possible. And when you think about it what possible answer could she give you that will make you feel any better? I will give you some probable answers she'll tell you and see if they'll make you any happier.

- It was a stupid mistake.
- It's not you it's me.
- I was mad at you.
- He made me feel special.
- You were ignoring me.
- It just happened.
- He manipulated me.
- I needed more attention than you were giving me.
- I don't know why it happened.

It goes on and on and on...dumb reasons that make no sense. I soooooooooo wish I was dealing with a girlfriend cheater vs. a wife cheater.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> I soooooooooo wish I was dealing with a girlfriend cheater vs. a wife cheater.


How 'bout NO cheater at ALL. How's that for a change. JESUS... is _everyone _cheating nowadays? It sure seems like it. I know people who have cheated and been cheated-on... it seems like only a matter of time till _your_ ticket gets punched.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

F-102 said:


> The best therapy for a breakup is to change something about yourself. Go the route of self improvement, get some new clothes and a new look, start exercising, get a new hobby, start going to new places.
> 
> Take ABSOLUTE CHARGE of your life.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BigBri said:


> I'm at a loss... I don't know where we went wrong... I thought we were doing good. I'm shocked and too embarrassed to tell anyone- I FEEL LIKE [email protected]#. She has her stuff here, so I know she's coming back anytime soon. I don't know how I'm gonna react.


Shake it off. Rub some dirt on it. Cut yourself some slack. You will have to go through a withdrawl period before you will be able to assess things. BUT you may not care by then. Do what F-102 said and you will make it.

Good luck dude. Sometimes we love really hard and it does not work out. the problem is then that we are left devastated. Life is that way. It is about getting back up. Yeah that sux.

Trust us there will be other opportunities. There are many women who you could be happy with. Get yourself together. It takes some time.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BigBri said:


> I just want to know who he is... I wanna see who she threw all this away for... Is that wrong? I WANT [email protected] ANSWERS... NOW!


She is not worth it dude.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BigBri said:


> How 'bout NO cheater at ALL. How's that for a change. JESUS... is _everyone _cheating nowadays? It sure seems like it. I know people who have cheated and been cheated-on... it seems like only a matter of time till _your_ ticket gets punched.


No, everyoine is not a cheater. Don't you be a cheater. Get yourself to a good place. Find a good woman and take care of the relationship. It is so much about making the right choice. But it is a [email protected] shoot too.

Some days you win.

Some days you lose.

Sometimes ... it rains.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BigBri said:


> Dude... this is 3 years of my life, though... it was all a lie. I know what you're say, but still... I want to know wtf... ya know. WHY! I won't have piece of mind till I know WHY? Its gonna be eating at me every day of my life if I don't get some answers. Don't I deserve that?-- ANSWERS.


Ok. Then roll around in it a bit. That can be cathartic. Get pissed. Feel sad. Feel whatever. Just let it go. Purge this from your system like a bad drug. Because that is what she is. Sorry was. F^ck it.

Three years is a long time. BUT you just dodged a bullet my friend. You could have invested 15 years and have three kids.

But, sure you should be pissed. You were used.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> It is so much about making the right choice. But it is a [email protected] shoot too.


That's the thing- you_ don't know _who has your best interest at heart. It makes you not want to trust ANYBODY anymore.



> Just let it go. Purge this from your system like a bad drug.


Easier said than done.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

BigBri said:


> How 'bout NO cheater at ALL. How's that for a change. JESUS... is _everyone _cheating nowadays? It sure seems like it. I know people who have cheated and been cheated-on... it seems like only a matter of time till _your_ ticket gets punched.


Right now this is all so fresh and raw. I also think that by saying you're only 27 and she is a girlfriend vs. a wife minimizes your pain. It doesn't matter how old you are or what your relationship status is, the pain is very very real and it sticks with you. It takes a bit of yourself and you become less trusting. 
I really hope that you at some point come to realize that not all people cheat. It isn't a matter of time before your card gets punched. There are plenty of people who would never cheat, never thought about nor ever will. Their integrity far outweighs any stupid thought and more so, their never wanting to inflict that level of pain on someone else prevents them from every walking down that crooked line. 
You were right to tell her to leave and you are right for wanting answers. Answers bring closure, to some degree. Please bear in mind though that she will not tell you the truth. Cheaters aren't truthful. Their very nature is that they can lie to your face, while running around behind your back. Then come home, smile at you and say they love you.
Cheaters are the worst. I actually respect murderers more. At least with them you know what their intentions are. With a cheater, they more or less murder you by cutting out your heart with a rusty spoon but you are still alive. All in the name of love, of course. 
Please try and be immune to whatever bullsh!t she is going to say. She has shown her true character and it shows she has none.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> Answers bring closure


I just want to hear what BS she's gonna throw out... I wanna hear _her_ side of the story... I wanna know WHO this guy is. This is gonna bring_ me _closure.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

My GF broke up with me 20+yrs ago, (the psycho one, if you read any of my posts), and the only explanation she gave me was "it isn't right". She never gave me a straight answer as to why she left.

BB, I wasted MONTHS of my life dwelling on it-months that I cannot get back. If you asked me to list my 5 biggest regrets in life, that would come in #2 or 3.

Do you want to look back on this later on in life and have to say the same?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

F-102 said:


> My GF broke up with me 20+yrs ago, (the psycho one, if you read any of my posts), and the only explanation she gave me was "it isn't right". She never gave me a straight answer as to why she left.
> 
> BB, I wasted MONTHS of my life dwelling on it-months that I cannot get back. If you asked me to list my 5 biggest regrets in life, that would come in #2 or 3.
> 
> Do you want to look back on this later on in life and have to say the same?


He just found out! Give him some time to digest and grieve. 
He wants answers and he is hurting. Can we support him instead of everybody telling him you dodged a bullet, you are young, find somebody else?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

BB you are getting some good advice on here. You invested 3 years of love into this relationship and she just went and smashed it all up. You are right to be devastated. You may get some answers but probably not from her, your best bet to heal quicker is to get her out of your thoughts completely, don't go searching for details because they won't help you. Box her stuff up and have it ready, she made her decision and honestly you have almost no chance of having a lasting relationship with her now anyway, you'd have to live with this for the rest of your days together and that is something you will never forget. So take the good times for what they were and try to find some solace in the future.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Not everyone is cheating.
On this forum you will see a lot of instances of it, because of the nature of the forum.

There are certainly men and women who do not cheat and who care about their partner's well-being.

If you insist on believing that everyone is a cheater, you will ruin the life of the woman that you do marry, and your own too. You have a wonderful thing, a brain and a heart that do not believe in cheating. You should protect that because it is beautiful and deserves to be protected.

So your girlfriend cheated. It's likely that she was undermining your relationship in other ways as well, taking away bits and pieces of you that you chose to give away to maintain a relationship with her. They didn't disappear, you can regain those things. They are still there but in disarray.

It's like cleaning up after a huge party. It gets more manageable once you decide to clean up and start going around sorting out trash and cleaning up messes. There is an end to it. Eventually you get your house back. 

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. You did good. You had a relationship that lasted three years. She could have chosen to address issues more openly and maturely to leave. She did not. 

The explanation here is that people are unknown quantities. By the time they are 50, most people are not going to change. So by three years, you are now in a different time frame, her nature has emerged as well as yours. Now you have additional knowledge.

My fourth serious relationship just ended. The first ended because of me, I was immature but also had a gut feeling my fiance was dabbling on the side when I was away for work. We were young. No kids, no issues, I inspired him to finish his educaiton and get a professional job...he inspired me...not sure how. LOL. We had some good times. He made my young adulthood how it was. I am okay with that. My second relationship ended because the guy was an alcoholic and asbusive. I had to leave friends, my host country, my job, and return to US with a baby in a recession. Oops. My third serious relationship, a decade later, two kids, not sure what the issue was...he still has them but I don't have to deal with them in the same household. Sought counseling and counselor told me to leave, but couldn't say why due to professional ethics, there is more to the story and I know that sometimes when people take psych meds and then stop taking psych meds they do very bizarre and even criminal things they would never think of doing otherwise (not to me, thankfully, or my kids). Not even going to go there. Water under the bridge... I am living elsewhere and am safe. My atty has details, that is enough for me. He repsects my boundaries and it is better because he trusts me to enforce them. Fourth relationship (after a brief relationship that wasn't really romantic with a manipulative narcissist...) I re-dated someone I'd broke it off with prior to being physically intimate, 14 years ago. I thought it was that he was a nice guy and that I personally had changed. Oops. I should have had more faith in my judgement as a young adult. So here I am 47 years old and still haven't got it right. My parenting is going well, my relationship with myself has never been better. I do know someone I like and have feelings for but realize I don't know the person well enough to know for sure...but am much more in tune with my basic instincts and have better confidence.

Different people have different learning curves. If you look at the big picture and also understand that so-called long-term successful relationships may have ups and downs or may not have been that way all the way through, or are in fact a facade (people aren't going to exactly advertise the issues in their relationships, even to their friends!) you may very well be in a much better position than you realize.

Your perspective is just skewed a bit at the moment.

For the record, even in my worst relationships, I never cheated. It's more because I care about other people and would not subject someone to being involved with a woman who is still in a marriage (i.e. living with husband). Divorce takes a long time to get in most places. I agree with other posters, you are lucky you did not marry this woman or have children with her. Otherwise you would have to be subjected to dealing with her in the future.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Pack all her stuff , and have it ready for her---when she comes to get it---ask her to give you the deep down CORE WHY---she decided to throw away 3 years, and a good relationship

Did she have any FOO, problems, you were with her for 3 years so you must have some idea of what makes her tick---Does she have emotional problems, does she get into trouble if she has to much alcohol---lots of reasons for her to stray on you

If you do communicate with her----do not let her throw out the IT WAS A MISTAKE, line----a mistake is adding 2 and 2 and getting 5-------What she did was done by CHOICE---she made the choice to cheat on you---she planned, every step of the way, what she was gonna do----A's take a lot of planning, deception, manipulating, conniving, and lying

Whatever you do, if you do talk to her, do not weaken---hear her out, and leave---do not yell, scream, cuss, get into an argument---

BE COLD, ICY, AND FIRM-------Do not come on as mr. nice--guy, or be lovey-dovey------she has to know she messed up, and blew everything away-----get your answers, and move on---there are women out there, who do/will not cheat----


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

Found ou it was a guy in our circle of friends. It's been going on for 4 months now. She has the gall to tell me she "loves me." I don't understand how you can do something like this to person you love????????? THAT'S IT-- we're done. I wanna kick this f*cker's ass... I'm _gonna_ kick this f*ckers ass. 

How can they be sitting next to me acting like eaverything's all cool, while he's ****ing my girlfriend on the side... I'm losing it right now.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Most here are telling you to just end it which might be the right answer for you. However, it's also worth looking at this another way.

Many people cheat. It doesn't make it right and it doesn't make it hurt any less for you. However, it's not only bad people who cheat...some good people do to. Many people go on endless searches for people who won't cheat on them. They are so happy when they find someone new after they end their cheating relationship. They think it will be all different. Then they get cheated on again. Read this forum and you see it again and again.

For me, the decision to take her back would depend on the nature of the cheating. Just sex and just a physical based attraction? Let's face it men and women love sex and most think about sex with other people. Many people want to have sex with others. Some people at certain points in their lives are weak when the opportunity comes up. I'm not saying that cheating is OK and that we all should just accept it but whether we like it or not, it's a fact of life.

You could be throwing away a great relationship for one slip up. I've been cheated on by some really great girls. I can see this now that i'm a bit more mature and I'm further from the situation. As others have said, it's a crap shoot. Most people are at least capable of cheating at some points in their lives. Obviously not all who are capable will cheat but I believe most are capable of it given the right circumstances at a point in time. Excluding everyone who is capable of cheating is potentially excluding your soul mate (whether it's this girl or others in the future).


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

couple 

I don't think 4 months affair with a close friend is just one slip up


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Bri- Deep breath. Do NOT assault this guy. Dont even make harrassing phone calls. It is not worth it, going to jail, having an arrest on your record over this.

There is something especially sick when a cheater betrays her significant other with a mutual friend. So, you say you're done. Okay, the best revenge in this? Cut her out of your life and move on. Easier said than done, absolutely. But time helps, and perhaps some individual counseling. Expose this affair to all of your mutual friends, this guy could be preying on other women as well.

Tell your ex-girlfriends parents and friends that you're no longer together due to her unfaithfulness. Blow this whole thing up, then walk away. Its not worth going to jail for. I know its been 3 years of your life and the pain is still raw, but losing control will not get you anywhere other than a police station.

Sometimes the best course of action for the betrayed individual is the best revenge: cutting ties and moving on.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> Can we support him instead of everybody telling him you dodged a bullet, you are young, find somebody else?


Exactly... I know I dodged a bullet, but it doesn't make it any easier for me. She still thinks we can work this ou-- OUT OF THE QUESTION!



> It is not worth it, going to jail, having an arrest on your record over this.


Why does everyone ALWAYS assume that OM is gonna call the cops? I can be very sure that if we get physical- HE WON'T. We both come from the same neighborhood, and he'd be branded a [email protected] if he does. I don't know where some of you guys come from, but its just not done around here. You play with fire... you're gonna get burned.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

BigBri said:


> Why does everyone ALWAYS assume that OM is gonna call the cops? I can be very sure that if we get physical- HE WON'T. We both come from the same neighborhood, and he'd be branded a [email protected] if he does. I don't know where some of you guys come from, but its just not done around here. You play with fire... you're gonna get burned.


Because that's the usual result of kicking an OMs @ss - the coward calls the cops and files a restraining order. look at what happened to elph

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24004-after-d-day-stuff-16.html

But if thats normal in your neighborhood and they dont run to the cops.....oh well.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

I think it does have to do with where you come from. It seems the more professional(type) you are- the bigger of a [email protected] you are when it comes down to this sort of thing- you hide behind the law. Don't get me wrong, I went to college myself, but like I said... you know what kind of trouble you're getting into when banging another man's girl/wife. If you're man enough to do this kind of thing, then you accept whatever befalls you- LIKE A MAN.


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Because that's the usual result of kicking an OMs @ss - the coward calls the cops and files a restraining order. look at what happened to elph
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24004-after-d-day-stuff-16.html
> 
> But if thats normal in your neighborhood and they dont run to the cops.....oh well.


every neighborhood has their own rules right here I just let everyone around the OM know that he is having my old GF knowing that we were together for some time and that's not much respected in Egypt especially to the old folks in his family and hers too which re still stick to traditions really hard and right now treating her like a who** and refusing them being together and families here have much effect in such decisions so welcome to hell


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

I understand what you're saying Bri, but with infidelity, you can't have any expectations of people's behavior. Did you expect you're GF and friend to betray you? Almost every poster here didn't expect a spouse to betray them, either. I think it's possible this guy could get police involved if you go after him. 

You know this guy, we dont. We all get that, but there a few stories here where this has happened with police, it's not worth it. This possibility exists. Anyway, have you exposed this affair to any friends or family?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

I just found out a couple of days ago. I threw her out. She's staying with friends because if she goes home, they'll be pretty upset about it- they REALLY like me. She's been calling and texting all weekend begging to come back home. I'm actually getting her stuff together so she can pick them up. I _do_ want a face-to-face with her, so I can see the expression on her face as she tries to explain herself. As for that [email protected] I'm not doing anything yet... I'm biding my time- He's gonna get his though. In all honsety, I really don't care if I go to jail for a couple of days either. I'm not scared one bit. I know many of you might think I'm not being rational, but I know the consequences of any move I make, and I'm ready to face them. Be aware that I NEVER said I was going to_ kill _him, but I am going to hurt him. And please, I really don't want to hear about how grotesque violence is, because I'm really a good guy at heart. Just don't push me because I will push back... and if that entails getting my hands dirty- then SO BE IT!


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Got it. When she comes to talk, are you prepared for the waterworks she is going to hit you with? 

Also, although it's been only a few days, it may not be prudent to delay in explaining to family why you're no longer together. Once she realizes it's over, she may try to spin the story against you. I would also inform you mutual friends, as this OM may be chasing other attached women, in addition to tr possibility that they could spin a story against you with lies. Have you scheduled an appointment for an STD test?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> are you prepared for the waterworks she is going to hit you with?


I pretty much guessed that this would be part of her "thing" about getting back with me- NOT GOING TO WORK.



> it may not be prudent to delay in explaining to family why you're no longer together.


Got it. I'm only waiting because I want evidence, so as not to spin this as a "crazy, jealous boyfriend" type of scenario. I'm actually going to record her confession to me when she finally gets her lying ass over here. I can't get phone records, as we both have our own seperate phone plans/bills.

_Have you scheduled an appointment for an STD test?_

No... but I guess I'm gonna have to now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, definitely get tested for STDs. STAT. 

Sorry to hear that this was a double-betrayal (friend and girlfriend). Have you been in contact with the other man at all? How did you find out it was him and how'd you find out it was 4 months?

If you are 100% done with the relationship, tell her that straight up. If you have questions, ask them to her when she comes to get her stuff. If she doesn't answer, you may have to accept that you may never know all the answers. 

Words of advice: try to be as calm as you can. I know how hard that is but you want to convey a man who is confident with his decisionto end the relationship and no if/ands/or buts about it. The more calm you are, the more it's going to throw her for a loop. 

When you see her, treat her the way you would a colleague: unemotional, cool, calm, and confident.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Do your best to maintain your composure during this. I know it's ridiculous to say, but keeping as calm as yu can will help lead to more honesty than angry confrontation. This will also help when you explain to family and friends what she did. You may not want to mention that you intend to break up and explain, I would thank her for finally being honest. Once you two part, then I would call friends and family. Basically, I would recommend staying a step ahead of her. But there are many people far more versed in this than I who could offer better advice
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Whip Morgan said:


> Do your best to maintain your composure during this. I know it's ridiculous to say, but keeping as calm as yu can will help lead to more honesty than angry confrontation.


Bingo


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

She just called me... I told here to come over. She said she wants to talk about it... yeah... we have _alot_ to talk about-- me and this one. I'm gonna let her _think_ I'm considering taking her back. After I hear all the BS, I'm gonna say- SEE YA!


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Okay, just keep your cool. Get the details, then I would advise to end it for the night. Don't tell her you're done. Then inform family and then her. Actually, you could do it the other way around, but I'd inform both close in time, before she has the opportunity to change the story. Lots or posters here refer to the cheater as rewriting history, to make it sound justified. Good luck, stay strong and calm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Scratch that about not telling her. Do what you feel is best. I'd advise not breaking it off tonight, emotions will be raw and volatile. I'd end the talk, take tomorrow to cool off(if you can) and do it after a day or so. Let her know you need time to process everything. Either way, whenyou decide to tell her, infor. The people who need to k ow. Don't let her spin it against you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

Well... its done. I even recorded it on my cell. She has some gall... REALLY. It's been physical for the last month-and-a-half. She even brought him _here_- IN MY HOUSE! At first, she didn't want to give me any details because she wanted to work things out, and didn't want to hurt me anymore. I told her it would help us move forward. She told me some stuff, and I told her to stop at one point. After a long discussion about the why's- saying it of the thrill of it- I told her to get up, take her stuff, and get out. She started crying telling me I said we could work things out. I told her I _never_ planned on taking her back... I just wanted answers, and this was the way to get them. She got pissed at that, for me "manipulating" her... you believe that-- _ME_ manipulating_ her_- what a [email protected] joke. She kept on saying "we can work it out"... "we can move" I honestly got mad and told her- "I don't keep with *****s." She lost it then... I literally had to throw her out. I went upstairs, got the rest of her stuff and threw them down the balcony to her. GOOD RIDENCE. Now I got to got take an STD test. How does that work... do they draw blood? You don't have to disclose the purpose of taking such a test, do you?


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

BigBri said:


> Well... its done. I even recorded it on my cell. She has some gall... REALLY. It's been physical for the last month-and-a-half. She even brought him _here_- IN MY HOUSE! At first, she didn't want to give me any details because she wanted to work things out, and didn't want to hurt me anymore. I told her it would help us move forward. She told me some stuff, and I told her to stop at one point. After a long discussion about the why's- saying it of the thrill of it- I told her to get up, take her stuff, and get out. She started crying telling me I said we could work things out. I told her I _never_ planned on taking her back... I just wanted answers, and this was the way to get them. She got pissed at that, for me "manipulating" her... you believe that-- _ME_ manipulating_ her_- what a [email protected] joke. She kept on saying "we can work it out"... "we can move" I honestly got mad and told her- "I don't keep with *****s." She lost it then... I literally had to throw her out. I went upstairs, got the rest of her stuff and threw them down the balcony to her. GOOD RIDENCE. Now I got to got take an STD test. How does that work... do they draw blood? You don't have to disclose the purpose of taking such a test, do you?


good for u man now move on and forget that bi*** :smthumbup:


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

BigBri, leave OM alone, just blank him. GBH is a very serious charge, you’ll do time for it and it’ll be with you the rest of your life. Neither of them are worth it. Let it end here and now, don’t carry it with you for the rest of your life by way of a criminal record for GBH.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

^I know you're looking-put for me AFEH, thanks bro... but I just can't do that. He's next on my list. Tomorrow, I'm gonna write a text to all our friends and family about what's been going on, and just press send. If she tries to spin this on me, I'll reply with a short clip of her confession- who did she think she was dealing with here?!?! She [email protected] UP! I know all you guys are gonna say "let it go" or "just move on," but _this_ will bring me closure. If I don't do this, it'll eat away at me. Some might call it revenge, vengeance, or vindictiveness- I call it "closure." They ****ed with the wrong person, my friend. They're gonna remember me for a very long time... especially him.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Send the text , mention you have hard evidence then step back and work on yourself. The text to all is to protect yourself from her lies. In a few months time you may feel differently about her , the choice is yours if you decide to reconcile , whatever you do make decisions rationally based on what you are prepared to accept and not accept.

Best wishes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Save a copy of that sound file to your computer in case anything happens to your phone. I'm still against you attacking him. You can do damage to him by exposing this to family and friends. They'll realize what kind of guy he is and that he may be moving on other women. How do you think your ex's family will react? Sometimes family sides with the cheater. Of course, not being married means nothing is really at stake here in the legal sense, but emotionally it's still as painful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> Save a copy of that sound file to your computer in case anything happens to your phone.


Gotcha Whip.



> Sometimes family sides with the cheater.


Oh... of course. They're family, and I don't blame them if they do... its only natural. I'm gonna start distancing myself from them also. We can be amiable toward each other(her family), but it ends right there. I will not talk or acknowledge her, though. We are over... not friends nor aquaintances- OVER!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

BigBri, I think people who do things in a blind, red, angry rage ALWAYS REGRET IT.

It’s your ego that’s been hurt and deeply hurt. If you really want revenge, wait a while. And get your revenge in such a way that nobody but you knows where it came from. Revenge is a dish best served cold and all that.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

I wanted to elaborate on what I meant by exposure in an earlier thread after I gave it thought. Inform friends and family, absolutely. However I hope that it doesn't become a goal to continue to seek revenge in this method. I would use exposure as a tool to further protect yourself. There are no legalities of marriage here, but there is the court of public opinion, being friends and family. By exposure of the truth, she and the other guy can't spin this against you and turn friends and family against you. Certainly not with the evidence you have. If she pushes it, you could ask Herron show people her phone bill with all the texting history. I don't know if she and re other guy are vindictive, but its good to prepare.

I also believe that once exposed, you should do your best to put this behind you. Work to not let this eat away at you. Perhaps some individual counseling could help, if you find yourself struggling. 

You've probably thought of alot of what I've said already. I still think violence is a bad way to go, this guy isn't worth it. I think you're making the right call in exposure, you're male friends should know that this guy chases women in relationships. Keep us posted Bri
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

*Herron= her.

I hate autocorrect
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BigBri said:


> Now I got to got take an STD test. How does that work... do they draw blood? You don't have to disclose the purpose of taking such a test, do you?


Yes, you need to specificy to the doctor what you need to have done. So call your doctor and tell him/her you want to get tested for all STDs and set up an appointment.

Or you can go to a free clinic but you will also need to state there what you need to have done.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

[email protected] this sucks! I need to get on that, like 5 min. ago. How long does it take for the results?

By the way... she texted me saying "you promised we could work it out." I had to laugh.


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## ArabianKnight (Jul 24, 2011)

BigBri

if all men and women did the same thing you did to your cheater spouse, we might have significant reduction in cheating. 
man or woman cheat and know their spouse will forgive them.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> man or woman cheat and know their spouse will forgive them.



I totally agree. So why don't they? I loved this girl... it doesn't mean I have to put-up with the BS. This isn't some samll thing we're talking about here... this is the ultimate betrayal. I think love blinds most people. Love is not enough in some cases.


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## ArabianKnight (Jul 24, 2011)

Some people don't understand the betrayal that is caused to the man. 
its not like women they are destroyed emotionally, but in men are destroyed emotionally and stapid in their manhood, its like someone snatched a way his dignity and his circle and enjoying it.
Men who go after married women or girls with boy friend are seeking the thrill of it not love or emotions. people enjoy doing something that does not belong to them.


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## ArabianKnight (Jul 24, 2011)

Plus, dont blame the guy, but the girl that allowed him to cross the red line. Men like you said before are dogs they dont think with top head only with bottom one, specially if someone is single and has no where to release his sperms except on a married or taken woman. 
and that goes for both men and women.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BigBri said:


> [email protected] this sucks! I need to get on that, like 5 min. ago. How long does it take for the results?


Ask the doctor's office how long the results take. 



ArabianKnight said:


> BigBri
> 
> if all men and women did the same thing you did to your cheater spouse, we might have significant reduction in cheating.
> man or woman cheat and know their spouse will forgive them.


I disagree. Infidelity has been around since the beginning of time. People choosing to terminate relationships is not going to reduce cheating, IMO. It's rampant and it has been happening for forever. It sucks but it's true. 

Each individual must do what they see best fit for them. Some folks stay together, others call it a day once it's discovered.


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## ArabianKnight (Jul 24, 2011)

I agree also with JellyBellyBeans


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> I disagree. Infidelity has been around since the beginning of time. People choosing to terminate relationships is not going to reduce cheating, IMO. It's rampant and it has been happening for forever. It sucks but it's true.


I feel you. I think its more glamorized now, though. You see it everywhere. People have been _overly_ socialized to it. I think people run with their feelings(instincts), more than their rational(prudence) senses. We're taught now, that we should listen to our feelings more, without regard for anything else-- even if it means at the cost of _another_ persons feelings. At least that's what I think. Peolpe take advantage of this new sense of "empowerment."


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

Just got a text from OM... says he's sorry, and he's moving soon for a job. Like that's really gonna stop me... he's [email protected] scared. Told me they were gonna call it quits already- YEAH RIGHT. If I wouldn't have caught her, this would still be going on right under my nose. I told him to call me... too much of a coward to even talk to me personally... had to send a text.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Yes, they would still have been doing it. Not many "call it quits" based on their feeling guilty and realizing its wrong. I know its still very recent, but have you informed family and friends yet? I know I've already said it already, but I've read too many posts that involve a betrayed person that was too slow in action. Of course, you're ending of your relationship is certainly the most powerful and decisive action. 

Anyways, I want to ask you, when you two talked, did she say any other reasons besides "exciting sex"? Was she feeling that she was missing something from your relationship? In time, when you reflect back on this, perhaps you can learn something positive to carry over into a new relationship. However, sometimes people cheat simply because they want to, without feeling that they're "missing something".


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> did she say any other reasons besides "exciting sex"?


It wasn't about "exciting sex," it was _about the thrill of it_- the secretiveness; the hiding; the "naughtiness of it. She said she doesn't love him in ANY way. There was no emotion involved- it was the "taboo" factor. As she was telling me this, I was getting more and more angry about it because of the way she was describing the total disconnect of emotions. She threw it(us) all away for a cheap thrill... my love for her was worth exactly that- _a cheap thrill_.

As to your point about exposure. I'm writing a carefully worded text about the situation, and I'm sending it out sometime tommorrow. I've gathered enough evidence, so he or she can't call me crazy or anything like that. The OM's cousin- she hangs out with us also- actually called me up and asked what was going on. She was just feeling me out, because she asked what I was planning to do about him. I said nothing to her about my intentions toward him, as I don't want to incriminate myself beforehand. I mean... do these people think I'm stupid, or something... like I was gonna tell _her_ anything concerning that issue. Those people are dead to me, for all I care. I don't want anything to do with them anymore.


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Ask the doctor's office how long the results take.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I disagree with u jellybeans bigbri didn't say it'll put an end to infidelity he said it'll reduced it very much and I agree him for this based on my country situation as I told before we have infidelity for sure but based on statistics only 5-8 women out of 100 will do it and for men 13-15 out of 100 because they know the really hard consequences for their action the infidelity will always be there but how much will do it is the right question to ask


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Bri- once the truth comes out, that's the foundation for being able to move on in Life. I think it applies to everything, not just infidelity. I Think you're definitely making the right call, not only to protect against them spinning t against you, but for picking yourself up after being knocked down. 

Your friends, some may "take sides", some may not. Those who are available to support you through this, and want to, I would not turn them away. The males may thank you, for pointing out to them that this OM cannot be trusted. As for the ex, once the information goes out, be ready for lots of phone calls. You have the evidence which was a good step by you, so they can't debate this with you. Once it's out, I'd tell family and friends that you exposed for the truth to be known and to help you move on in life, not necessarily for revenge. But, moving on and living well while leaving the cheater behind can be the best way to feel a sense of justice being done for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sam83 said:


> I disagree with u jellybeans bigbri didn't say it'll put an end to infidelity he said it'll reduced it very much


I didn't say it will put an end to infidelity. I said relationships being terminated is not going to reduce cheating because it's rampant.



BigBri said:


> The OM's cousin- she hangs out with us also- actually called me up and asked what was going on. She was just feeling me out, because she asked what I was planning to do about him.


I think OM is afraid of you. It's interesting how he has his cousin calling you to find out what the deal is since he can't do it himself. Did he ever text you back? Have you heard from your ex girlfriend since you told her to leave?


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## ArabianKnight (Jul 24, 2011)

you should get back at her by dating her best friend or sister or may be her mother and become her step father lol.


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I didn't say it will put an end to infidelity. I said relationships being terminated is not going to reduce cheating because it's rampant.
> 
> 
> 
> Dealing with bad consequences will reduce it back that what i mean and think bri meant that too


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sure, just like how the war on drugs is effective...

People should have the right to make their own choices in relationships- guiding/advising them is fine, but to pigeon hole every situation into one answer will never work effectively


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sam83 said:


> Dealing with bad consequences will reduce it back that what i mean and think bri meant that too


IMO, just because one relationship is terminated won't reduce cheating elsewhere.



Almostrecovered said:


> sure, just like how the war on drugs is effective...


:iagree:


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> I think OM is afraid of you. It's interesting how he has his cousin calling you to find out what the deal is since he can't do it himself. Did he ever text you back? Have you heard from your ex girlfriend since you told her to leave?


I know. Funny isn't it. I can't believe he actually thought I was gonna believe him when he said _they_ were gonna call it quits just before I caught them... am I some kind of [email protected], or something? Then, to use his cousin as some kind of go-between... makes me want to slap _her_ too. She could've said- "Be a man and do it yourself." Right? I KNOW she new about this... I could feel it in her tone... she was fishing. I haven't heard from her, but my other friend and his GF(we're mutual friends) told me she went over there and was still in shock about me sending her on her way. 

Oh... and I just sent the text. I know that by this afternoon, my phone is gonna be _blowin' up_.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well, no need to slap her. You dumped her already so just move on as best you can. 

What did your text say? Who'd you send the text to?


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> Well, no need to slap her.


Just a figure of speech. I don't hit girls... men on the other hand.

Lets just say I broke it down to the nitty gritty, and if they wanted proof I could supply a short clip of it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I see. 

Do you think it will get back to her? Did you send it to some friends also?


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

BigBri,

Let us know if you ever feel that justice is served after you handle the OM. I'm curious if the feelings ever go away.

My situation was very different from yours. I'm married with kids and decided to work it out. I did not get physical with the OM. I also did not tell his girlfriend (stupid I know, but the affair was over). I did talk to him in person and have givin him a lot of verbal and text abuse over the past several months.

I've often wondered if I would feel better if I just beat the crap out of him and told his girlfriend right after doing so. I kind of think it would not matter. I don't think I could ever beat him enough to get over it.

Sounds harsh, I know.....but I'm betting most men on here understand. I've had things taken away from me that cannot be returned. I may recover with my wife, but some things are just gone forever.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

I sent it to EVERYONE we know. I'm sure it'll get back to her... then to me again. At the end of it I put- "Have a nice day."


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Bri- good to hear that you sent it out. One step closer to putting this behind you. I'd expect a flurry of activity, which will probably stir up some serious emotions. Do your best to stay calm, lean on friends that you can trust for support. If things get heated, try not to lash out. When it's all said and done, the facts speak for themselves, leaving you with not much else to say other than she betrayed you, and you want to move on and find a woman who will respect and love you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

and hitting the OM is a good idea?

I will be the first to admit that I wished physical harm on the OM in my case, but I am smart enough to recognize that...

a) he isn't worth going to jail or getting sued over
b) not having him in my life in any shape or form is best for me and my wife
c) I don't want to sink to the same low level that he is on
d) it's likely his douchbaggery will catch up to him in some shape or form anyways
e) violence does not equal manhood or masculinity, I will not shrink away from a fight if assaulted physically but I won't instigate one even if they use non-physical means to goad me
f) revenge is hollow


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

ArabianKnight said:


> you should get back at her by dating her best friend or sister or may be her mother and become her step father lol.


You know, that reminds me of this youtube video from a few years back.

‪Cheating Girlfriend‬‏ - YouTube


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Almostrecovered,

My question really is.... Does getting back at the OM actually make you feel better? And, is there really such thing as getting back. I personally don't believe there is anything I could do to him that would cause the same harm that he caused me.

I'm 7 months out. I feel like I handled the OM in a very safe, non-violent, and non-threatning way. After all, I have kids that don't need to see daddy in jail (or find out about the affair for that matter). But, I think about him every day. Do I acceppt this as my curse and simply "more baggage"?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

it-guy said:


> My question really is.... Does getting back at the OM actually make you feel better? And, is there really such thing as getting back. I personally don't believe there is anything I could do to him that would cause the same harm that he caused me.


You are right. The only way the OM will experience the same feelings is the day he gets cheated on the same way.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I guess I could start hitting on his girlfriend (now wife)...lol


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

it-guy said:


> Almostrecovered,
> 
> My question really is.... Does getting back at the OM actually make you feel better? And, is there really such thing as getting back. I personally don't believe there is anything I could do to him that would cause the same harm that he caused me.
> 
> I'm 7 months out. I feel like I handled the OM in a very safe, non-violent, and non-threatning way. After all, I have kids that don't need to see daddy in jail (or find out about the affair for that matter). But, I think about him every day. Do I acceppt this as my curse and simply "more baggage"?


To be fair, BigBri did say that no law enforcement would be involved and that's the way they handle it where he's from.

Be honest, if you could give the OM the beat down that he deserves, and no one would find out, would you do it? Its very tempting to be sure.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> The only way the OM will experience the same feelings is the day he gets cheated on the same way.


I like my solution a little bit better. This way, I'll _know_ he got the message.

I will let you know how I feel afterwards, though.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

There would be no law enforcement in my scenerio either. I could see him taking a beating right in his front yard and hot explaining to anyone what happened. Yes, it is tempting.

I don't think it will ever happen though.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

it-guy said:


> I guess I could start hitting on his girlfriend (now wife)...lol


:rofl: Methinks he won't like that too much, ItGuy.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Bri, we all know that yu want to jack this dude up, but consider this. 

You've exposed this to everyone, and they know you have evidence to back it up. Now, all of your friends know this OM is a someone to stay away from. He may be ostracized from his friends over it. Either way, the truth has rightfully tarred his reputation. For your ex, people will know that she is a liar and cheater. You, by ending your relationship, have shown that you respect yourself too much to be someone's second choice (although there are stories of successful reconciliation here). 

My point is, simply by pushing the truth into the open, so friends and family know just what kind of people these are, you come out standing tall. This will not go away for them. However, they don't have a criminal record from this. If you and the OM throw down, there is a possibility he will call the police. Then you get the record. And now I'm sounding like a broken record. Stay composed and calm when the flurry of phone calls come in. I'm interested in seeing what the family has to say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

This guy won't call the cops... I'm sure of it... well you can never be sure of anything, but its unlikely he will. Let me tell you something... where I come from, you don't mess with another guy's money; with another guy's family; and most importantly- another guy's girl/wife. You make the mistake of violating any of these... you're in BIG trouble. Calling the authorites in not an option. I know it might sound like some underworld code of ethics, but its not... its the consequences of getting in over your head. I'm an educated person, but still hold true to my roots. These people in suburban America, tend to hide behind the law when it comes to these issues by filing a [email protected] RO, or something like that- they have no code.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

It has been considered. I've even jokingly mentioned it to my wife. He works 48 hour shifts and I know a lot about her.

Thats just messed up....lol


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

Just got my first replys- _*"OMFG!" "**** her, bro" "[email protected]" "kick his ass SEABASS"*_


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## ArabianKnight (Jul 24, 2011)

Cool, waiting for more messages, let us know what her family and friends say


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Well tells us! What was the reply?


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

They're on my last post. The short ones^. I'm not gonna post the longer ones, here's a doozy- _*"i knew it... i knew it"*_ I gotta talk to this person as to how she knew.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

thats crazy. this is a fun thread to read. You realize that you are doing what half the guys on this thread wish they had done. Those of us who recovered are enjoying seeing the other side a bit


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

What kind of stuff did you say in your origional text that you sent to everyone?


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> this is a fun thread to read.


I wouldn't call it _fun_, bro. Why is it that most everyone who responds, or sends me a PM says they wish they did this. Why didn't you guys do it? What was stopping you?


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Bri, if the ex wants to speak with you, are you open to talking, or have you completely cut off contact for good?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

BigBri said:


> I wouldn't call it _fun_, bro. Why is it that most everyone who responds, or sends me a PM says they wish they did this. Why didn't you guys do it? What was stopping you?


most of us are married and this sort of stuff gets used against you in divorce/custody


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> most of us are married and this sort of stuff gets used against you in divorce/custody


:iagree:

The OP doesn't have to think about that, or custody of kids, division of marital assets and debts.


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

BigBri said:


> I wouldn't call it _fun_, bro. Why is it that most everyone who responds, or sends me a PM says they wish they did this. Why didn't you guys do it? What was stopping you?


that's what I'm asking myself every time I read a thread here man why the hell u stay and want her back and it's not always about children as I saw in some threads I think u and ahhmaan only cut it forever here


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I get it, that was some of the replyies....suprise with insults and even one that new and didn't tell you.

Its BS...extreme BS to think that this or any thread is "fun", folks on TAM are hurting and looking for support. 

I also have one issue with "the double betrayal" and out of all the OM my wife was with the "friend" will get his @ss kicked, all others I could care less but when a "friend" sleeps with your troubled wife then its on.

Some day I will run into so called friend and there will be a reckoning.


I quess I would be doing alot of fighting if I could even find the rest of them, but they were strangers to me and it was all my wifes doing. But to have a friend also betray you knowing you have a cheating wife and to take advandage of my troubled marriage is just wrong and my "friends" day will come.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> The OP doesn't have to think about that, or custody of kids, division of marital assets and debts.


Yep. Being married and/or having children makes the situation a lot different.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

bottom line is that BigBri is hurting

if he wasn't hurting he wouldn't be so angry and doing all of this

I understand the revenge fantasies, I had them, I still harbor ill will towards the OM. I just don't believe it does any good in the long run.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

It amazes me how far these people will go to cover their tracks. I got hold of the girl who said she had a "feeling" something was up. She told me she saw them getting a little too "cozy" at a party once. She walked out to the deck and found them hugging. She never told me because we were never really friends. I know her because we play in a softball league and she plays for one of the other teams- we have mutual friends. She also said she "didn't want to start any sh!t." The thing is, my ex-GF told me she didn't trust her around me. This girl would say hi from a distance, I never considered her a threat to our relationship, but my GF was always suspicious of her- now I know why. She(GF) was trying to paint this _other_ girl in a bad light, so if it ever came out, she could say this chick was after me--- WHAT A B!TCH! This girl, _Kandice_(very cute), told me to call her later-on so we get togther and talk some more.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well yeah--it was her own guilty conscience.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

As to the "leaving" thing. I seem to get the sense, then... that most of you are staying ONLY for the sake of the kids and the interest in the mutual assets. And, not about LOVE? I've read elsewhere that its actually wrong for you to stay for the sake of the children, because it(animosity/resentment) eventually gets shifted onto the children through what they call- _TRANSFERENCE_. I'm sure the children can sense something is not right between their parents... children are quite perceptive. As to the assets... wouldn't taking a financial "hit," be worth all the aggravation? A new beginning. Reading all these posts, I seem to get the feeling that the reason for _not_ leaving is that people are scared to let go and start over again. They're scared of being alone. Correct me if I'm wrong.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Most people who do stay do so because they actually love their partner. 

It's just that calling out the OM and OW isn't the same for someone not married and going through a possible divorce. The legal aspect of everything changes. Harrassment charges being brought up in divorce court, division of assetts, child custody, etc. Lots of things get tricky.

But I do agree with you that some folks stay out of FEAR of the unknown. And this isn't specific to infidelity. Lots of folks stay in a bad/toxic relationship cause they've gotten so used to it (bad or not) that it's familiar. So imagining that part of their life gone seems very traumatic to them and not worth it. 

Fear keeps people from doing lots of things in life.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Bri, any word from the ex yet? Or responses from family?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

Not yet, dude.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

BigBri said:


> As to the "leaving" thing. I seem to get the sense, then... that most of you are staying ONLY for the sake of the kids and the interest in the mutual assets. And, not about LOVE? I've read elsewhere that its actually wrong for you to stay for the sake of the children, because it(animosity/resentment) eventually gets shifted onto the children through what they call- _TRANSFERENCE_. I'm sure the children can sense something is not right between their parents... children are quite perceptive. As to the assets... wouldn't taking a financial "hit," be worth all the aggravation? A new beginning. Reading all these posts, I seem to get the feeling that the reason for _not_ leaving is that people are scared to let go and start over again. They're scared of being alone. Correct me if I'm wrong.


quite the contrary for me
first thing I said to my wife when I discovered the truth-

"You have one week on the couch to either find a place or move back to your mother, I am filing for divorce tomorrow"

I hadn't even considered reconciling at that point

but she said she would do anything

and she did

and I'm glad she did because my marriage is better than ever (aside from some trust issue obviously)

We have kids but I would rather have them in stable divorced environment than a married hell if it had to come to that, but I loved her and she was willing to do what it took to show me again that she loved me. We built a life together and have been together since 1994. That's too much to throw away without a second chance. But I wouldn't have given her that chance if it wasn't in earnest.
I know 3 years is a lot of time invested in your girlfriend and you probably were looking at marriage soon but it doesn't compare and if I was in your shoes I would toss her out too. My situation is different tho, and I hope you can see that. We all have different answers and different situations.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

The intimacy part is something I'm not ever going to get over. It gives me the Heebie-jeebies, just thinking of even kissing her again... let alone having sex. Leaves a bad taste in my mouth, sorry. I know I was still having sex with her during her trysts- unbeknownst to me, but now that I know... I can't even fathom it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

BigBri said:


> The intimacy part is something I'm not ever going to get over. It gives me the Heebie-jeebies, just thinking of even kissing her again... let alone having sex. Leaves a bad taste in my mouth, sorry. I know I was still having sex with her during her trysts- unbeknownst to me, but now that I know... I can't even fathom it.


understandable and I understand not everyone can do what I have done
and it's one of the lingering problems I have to deal with (picturing what they have done), but it gets better and I can truly say it was worth it


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

...and here it is-

GF: _*"!**** U! !**** U! !**** U! ur not gonna get away with this!"*_

I knew it was a matter of time.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Don't take my "this thread is fun" comment at me downplaying your situation. I mean to say it is entertaining for me to watch you have your way with the POS OM. As mentioned above....we cannot all do that. Those of us who choose to stay in the relationship can't just burn every bridge in town.....even though we really want to.

You have chosen to not stay in the relationship.....so you can...within reason...do whatever you want to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

Don't sweat it, dude.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

And just think...your girlfriend is almost as mad as you. Almost that is.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Yeah, she is more upset that you destroyed her fantasy world, rather than destroying your relationship and hurting you. 

If you haven't responded, I'd say something along the lines of :

1. All I did was inform the people in our lives the truth behind our breakup and how you've lied to us all.
2. I want no further contact with you

Now, if she keeps flipping out, you may want to warn her that you're willing to go to the police in order to move on with your life, without her harrasing you. I know that its not how you do things, but who knows what she is willing to do? 

Have you considered what you will do when you socialize with your mutual friends? You seem to be quite the strong guy, so I imagine you'll drive on and be able to hang out with the boys (and girls) without her negatively affecting your social life. But its worth some thought. 

And its definitely refreshing to see a poster take such decisive action quickly. But it-guy is right, its not as easy when families are involved, and there are stories of successful reconciliations. But for you, well done sir.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

I mean really... what is she gonna do. Its not slander; its not liable. This only plays a part if she should lose her job, which I didn't "out" her there; or if it affected her standing in the community, which its not like she was a pillar of the community to begin with- she's a party girl.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Well, I suppose my idea was that you never know. I mean, you're here posting this, right? Of course, I've read lots of nightmare stories, so I freely admit I have a tendency to think worst-case scenario. 

How are your mutual friends handling this? Do you find them being supportive, or withdrawn?


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

I think they're just processing it as I was. And honestly, I really don't care, man. I'm so over all the BS with GF, friends, even family sometimes... its just so much work trying to make people happy these days. Its my turn to say [email protected] YOU to everyone and just live my life to the fullest.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BigBri said:


> ...and here it is-
> 
> GF: _*"!**** U! !**** U! !**** U! ur not gonna get away with this!"*_
> 
> I knew it was a matter of time.


Do not respond. You already dumped her and called her out.

Nothing left to do now. 

In fact, you ignoring her is going to send a bigger message than anything else you could possibly do right now.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

She keeps calling. I think I'll download some elevator music and foreward her calls there. :rofl:


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

OT:

Know what this place needs? A chatroom.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Bri, when I post things here, I'm not trying to insult your efforts in this whole ordeal, so if you think I'm criticizing you, I apologize. 

So, I agree with living life. But once the dust settles and emotions calm, if there are friends still standing with you, I would not turn them away. Ask them to respect your need for space and quality "me" time. However, a healthy social life is a good thing. If you find these people willing to support you through this difficult time, they're worth keeping as friends.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BigBri said:


> She keeps calling. I think I'll download some elevator music and foreward her calls there. :rofl:


Yeah seriously she is going to be doing it all night I bet. And maybe all weekend too. 

Don't answer. Dont' respond. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. In fact, blanking someone sends a serious message that they don't even register on the scale of your life. I'm telling you, no words you could ever say to her will send as big as a message as saying nothing at all.

Nothing.

You won this round, my friend


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

No need, Whip. I know you guys have the best of intentions, but I eventually have to follow my own path... taking into consideration what you Vets have to offer.



> But once the dust settles and emotions calm, if there are friends still standing with you, I would not turn them away.


Most definetly... that's why I'm gonna take a step back now, and see who is left on my side. I don't want to confide in anyone just yet- don't want to let false "friends" in my circle of trust.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

BB, as crazy and philosophical as this sounds right now, I think that you should take heed of the old saying: "Living well is the best revenge".

Go out, get a better life, and let her watch you go on-WITHOUT HER.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> no words you could ever say to her will send as big as a message as saying nothing at all.


Nothing says [email protected] YOU more than *No Contact*.


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## ArabianKnight (Jul 24, 2011)

i'm curios why she keeps calling?


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

Probably to tell me off personally. I know her... I know she's twisting in the wind right now. Like I said... who did she think she was [email protected] with? 

Hey, sorry about that post back there... didn't know the sitch. I'm gonna edit it. Sorry.


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## ArabianKnight (Jul 24, 2011)

N.P
to be honest her story about not knowing anything sounds Not True. come on, she drinks, got drunk, have intercourse, remember who is the guy and the name but cant remember what happen. 
what pissed me off she went after that and slept with her husband may be passing him god forbid some STD. I hope her issue get resolved


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

This dumb broad is drunk-dialing me... do you believe this???


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

why don't you block her number?


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Yeah, I can. I thought I had seen a previous post that she was still calling you after she was angry at you for exposing. Could be that she wants to say to you again how angry she is. Or, she is frantic to speak with you, perhaps to try to convince you to meet, maybe "patch things up".

You used the truth to destroy her little fantasy and protect yourself. She might have realized now that all of your mutual friends and family know what she did and with whom. Perhaps she has been taking a lot of heat from them. And she might already know how afraid the OM is of you. That's the reality now, having to face the person she is. And that you have the strength to move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BigBri said:


> This dumb broad is drunk-dialing me... do you believe this???


Yes, I do believe it.

Don't answer. What kind of messages is she leaving you?


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## isloveenough? (Jul 19, 2011)

I just might be the only one on this thread who would remind you that, though she made a huge mistake, she is a person too. I would bet anything that she is truly sorry and is overwhelmed with guilt for hurting you so badly. Through all of this, try to keep your emotions in check and act with grace. Don't threaten or mistreat her because you may end up doing or saying something that you regret later on. Only time will heal your heart, and then forgiveness will follow...I'm so sorry for your pain, it sucks. 

After a 3 year relationship, obviously she loves you and is hurting as well. This will be a decision that she'll have to live with forever.

How to move on is up to you. Counseling may be a good idea at least for you to have some other avenue to help understand the reasons if you can't get any answers from her. It will also help you for future relationships, learn to trust again, and to give your heart to someone new. It will get better, trust in that and trust your feelings. Take care of yourself and seek what makes you happy! Wish you the best!


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## isloveenough? (Jul 19, 2011)

Oh my...I didn't get a chance to read through all of the drama before sending my other post. Just wanted to give some input...

But after learning about her tets/calls/threats...What the heck? It's clear now that you made the right decision and her actions now speak volumes! However you decide to get through this, just never lose sight of who you are. I agree that love isn't enough in a relationship or marriage....as you can see. One day you will find yourself in a loving relationship where you won't have to worry and you won't have to ask yourself if love is enough. Remember, no one is perfect, but there's a perfect someone out there for YOU!


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

Just blocked it. I totally forgot to do this after my little episode(anxiety) the day after exposure and processing the text I had seen. She doesn't leave a message. I think she expects me to pick-up. I thought I saw her drive past here the other day.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wow, so you blocked it, huh? 

I think it's good you're not speaking to her right now cause I don't think you're emotionally ready for it yet. Maybe some day, but right now you need to heal. 

What did your text to family/friends say?


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Good idea blocking the number. I know you're a private person, but I think a previous poster had a good idea about counseling for yourself, to help get through this. More highs and lows are on the way. How have your family and friends been handling all this and treating you? I'm curious if youve heard from any of her friends and family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArabianKnight (Jul 24, 2011)

Bri any update, what happen so far


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

^Just more of the same, dude... I actually _did_ see her drive by twice these past few days. My living room window looks out to the street, so I get a full view. She'll slow down, and then take off. The guy is [email protected] scared though. He's been asking around about me, and doesn't know _what_ or _when_ to expect it. I'm gonna let things cool down before I finish this last piece of business. As for friends and relatives... everybody is pretty much in my camp... not that I really care if they were'nt. I've actually gotten pretty close to that girl(Kandice) who told me about seeing them together... nothing serious... just getting closer, though.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Becareful Bri, this girl has her agenda, in fact both of you have an agenda.
In time you will feel better and your agenda with regard to getting through this crap will fade. Your next relationship should not be based on this crap, it defines the relationship with Kandice, A new relationship based on starting a new with new advantures, a new agenda.

You are going thruogh sh~t and you dont want someone to see you at your worst, but at your best....when you are past all this and in a better place then you can find someone that will see you in a better light then you are in now.

Its great you get support from Kandice, but a long term relationship IMO would be out of the question. So if your not careful in could add to the fire of the emotional rollorcoaster you are now in.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

Oh, I know. I'm not getting serious with her by any means. She's just a cool chick that I talk to on a regular basis. I'm not dropping my guard down for anyone, including Kandice. We hang-out... that's all.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya before you know it you'll be making out. LOL

So is your chick history?


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Good to hear from ya Bri. I know that you wouldn't care if friends/family turned on you, but it doesn't hurt to have them feeling that you were in the right for what you did, which you absolutely were. Also, it might give you a sense of saying a big "fu*k you" to her and the OM when you're able to carry on your social life without this bringing you down completely. 

Of course, if more people in your social circle knew about it, I wouldn't even deal with them. And for this new friend Kandice, I think you're on point with not getting serious and its important she knows that. But if you're having fun, that is good. Enjoy it, for sure.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> Ya before you know it you'll be making out.


Already happened. I couldn't help myself. It hasn't gone any further though... at least not yet.

Whip- I heard she's going around telling people that I was an [email protected]@hole and a jerk. I guess she's trying to paint me in a bad light... whatever.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Bri, I'm sure you had expected her to do something like that. But since everyone important to you knows the truth of what she did, her complaints against you are probably not taken seriously. If she ever got to a point where it bothered you, you could simply tell people that she begged you to work it out - so much for being an [email protected]@hole.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Bri,
Another good example to gather evidence. Cover your butt and prevent the cheater from making you out to be the bad guy.

I know you don't care but for others, evidence can come in handy, not only for cronfronting but also exposing to others. Showing friends and family the real reason one broke up or more importantly why a spouse has kicked out the husband or wife.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

Like I said... I still have our "little chat" about her cheating, so I'm not worried. If anyone asks me, I'll just press play on my phone and they could listen to the whole sordid affair.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

If she is/was still driving by your place and was constantly calling, she is probably desperate to corner you to speak. I dont know if she would want to yell and scream at you, but if she made that kind of effort, I think it would be more likely for her to beg you. And when she is out with people she *thinks* will not look at her as a cheater, she buries you. At this point, she is doing it to save face. Alas, the truth will not let that happen. This will follow her around for a long time.

Other than this , how have you been doing?


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

I've had better days... I mean, I was with her for 3 years so its hard to just cast it aside... know what I mean. I'm not backtracking on my decision at all, but I do miss the good times we had.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Thats only natural. The term "emotional rollercoaster" is used alot here, I think it fits. But I think you handled it quite well. Are you staying alone for right now, or have you been going out and socializing with any friends?


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