# My wife is more interested in her sisters than our marriage



## sfViz (Sep 30, 2013)

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have no kids. We are both in our early fifties. I have been the bread winner in the home up until this past year when I "retired" early to escape retaliatory behavior for reporting work place violence. My wife works part time, with no benefits.

My wife is the youngest in her family. Her two older sisters have lived "on the dole" off their father, who lets them live in a house he owns for free. They do not work. The two older sisters are in poor health (extreme obesity which has triggered other health problems). One sister is single mother of young teenage boy.

The two older sisters have a strong influence on my wife. It seems to me that my wife is afraid of one of the sisters, even though the sisters live far away in another state. The father is a great person and is doing pretty well for his age. The two sisters seem to complain constantly about the father, and yet he has supported them for their entire adult life (hmmm..., maybe I am seeing a pattern here...?). 

Last year my wife went to go help clean up her father's home for 2 months! This caused a lot of grief in our marriage. On the one hand I see how she is close to her family, and she wants to help, on the other hand I feel that our marriage should come first. I feel guilty, or selfish, bringing this up though.

Each year my wife spends at least 2 weeks out with her sisters. What bothers me is that she is more excited, more focused on those trips, then she is at home. It feels like she is a housemate/room mate, than more of a wife. We have discussed these frequent trips of hers and how they affect our marriage, and yet each year they continue to happen. My wife knows how upset I get about them, and yet nothing changes. I am realizing that it will never change.

My wife says she likes her life here with me. We live in an nice area, in a nice home (that I bought before marriage), with nice pets. It all sees so "nice" to her. What is missing though is that I feel like I do have a true life partner. That I am just a convenience for her. 

This holiday season her nephew was scheduled to have a surgery before Christmas. My wife told me she wanted to go help her sister and nephew with the surgery. I fully supported that idea and even suggested it to her first, and that she could also spend some time with her dad.

This all seemed fine since my wife would be gone the week before Christmas, and come back to be with me on Christmas. Sounded great, however, my gut instinct warned me... sure enough my wife informed me that she had to stay there during Christmas because her sisters wanted her to manage the father while they took care of the healing nephew. I expressed my discontent about this, and how I was hurt that my wife made plans to spend Christmas away from her husband, and did not jointly find a mutual solution -- instead informing me what was going to happen.

The pattern is the same each year and has been occurring for ten years or more of our marriage. The focus more on trips back home, than in sharing time together, or doing our own trips together. 

We discussed our differences over this (again.., and again...) and nothing gets resolved. I finally told her that our marriage seems to be very bad and we should consider divorce, seriously. I do not want to be with someone who is not first most present in our marriage -- and is instead focused on her sisters and their dysfunctions. 

Although I feel clear writing this down, I often question whether I am not being flexible, or I am being too selfish, etc. I hear that from my wife, who says " I should support her in these times of challenge". 

I am afraid at this point. Being out of work, and trying to start a new career, and considering divorce at the same time, sounds insane to me. Life does throw us curve balls though, and in the end the survivors come out stronger. 

Do I think things will change with her? No. I wish they would, however after 10 years of repeat behavior, and with the past few times we almost split up, and yet she continues with these frequent trips.

I think it is time to move on, hopefully find someone who is a true partner. This does not feel like a partnership to me.

Being alone this Christmas has been hard, however, it has been a good time to reflect on what is real and not real in my marriage.

I also wonder if I am making a "mountain out of a mole hill"...? My gut instinct says I am not. It is becoming all too familiar.

I appreciate hearing others views on this situation. Thank you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

We learn how to be married from our parents. In her world, a man is someone to be exploited, apparently. It's not just her, but her sisters as well that got that lesson. I'm becoming more convinced that if a young man wants to see his married future, he needs to see how his future MIL treats his future FIL.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

When two people marry they become the family. The primary family. Apparently she never felt that way. You are correct you aren't the priority to her. You married a woman who never matured. Go find a good woman and partner in life they are out there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If your wife is working part time, how can she be away from her job for so much of the time?

I think it's time to sit her down and tell her that either she goes to marriage counseling with you to work on and restructure your marriage now, or you will file for divorce. Tell her that you will give this effort 6 months. If in 6 months things are not a lot better, you will file for divorce. Then after that evaluate every 3 months.

Anyone can change if they want to. Few do. But with the realization that her life, the one she likes, will be destroyed, it might be enough to wake her up.

If she agrees to MC and working on things, there are two books that I thing will help in addition to MC:

"His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters.


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## sfViz (Sep 30, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If your wife is working part time, how can she be away from her job for so much of the time?
> 
> I think it's time to sit her down and tell her that either she goes to marriage counseling with you to work on and restructure your marriage now, or you will file for divorce. Tell her that you will give this effort 6 months. If in 6 months things are not a lot better, you will file for divorce. Then after that evaluate every 3 months.
> 
> ...


Thanks EleGirl. 

The little bit of vacation time my wife gets off from work she uses to run back home to be with her family out in California. 

We have been through marriage counseling many times and the results were the same, a lot of denial and defensiveness on her part. Then going through the motions for a while, then forgetting what our mutual agreement was. I am sort of burnt out doing that again., or I have lost hope that things will improve.

Thanks for the recommendations on the books, I will check them out.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You want a marriage where you feel like the most important person in your spouse's life. I think you are right; your wife will never give you this. I think it's not so much about her relationship with others that is the cause, but her lack of a fulfilling relationship with you. That is cause enough for someone to consider moving on imo. I don't think what you want is unreasonable. I too wanted the same thing from my own partner. I wouldn't be happy with my marriage if I didn't feel like this was something my spouse understood and wanted too. Sometimes, even when you've successfully found someone who has this shared vision of a loving marriage, you go through periods where you don't feel important, but you have that shared vision to remind you that it's not going to last, that you can get back on track.

If you don't have a shared vision of what you want your marriage to be like, what do you have to hold on to when the going gets tough? Nothing.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

sfViz said:


> Each year my wife spends at least 2 weeks out with her sisters. What bothers me is that she is more excited, more focused on those trips, then she is at home. It feels like she is a housemate/room mate, than more of a wife. We have discussed these frequent trips of hers and how they affect our marriage, and yet each year they continue to happen.


 Going home to visit her family 2 weeks out of the year is too frequent for you such that they affect your marriage? It "bothers" you that she is excited to be going back to visit with her family? She went home to visit her family and spend Christmas with them, and instead of joining her there (you are retired and thus have the time) you want to file for divorce? Are you kidding me? You really need to look yourself in the mirror and ask why you feel the need to be in control of every day of your wife's life.


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## sfViz (Sep 30, 2013)

TRy said:


> Going home to visit her family 2 weeks out of the year is too frequent for you such that they affect your marriage? It "bothers" you that she is excited to be going back to visit with her family? She went home to visit her family and spend Christmas with them, and instead of joining her there (you are retired and thus have the time) you want to file for divorce? Are you kidding me? You really need to look yourself in the mirror and ask why you feel the need to be in control of every day of your wife's life.


I should have mentioned that I offered to drive out with my wife so we could spend Christmas together and also help her sister out during this time. My wife did not like this idea, and wanted to go alone. Understandably, this may have been because having me along would complicate things.

It is not that I am trying to "control" my wife taking two weeks each year to go be with her sisters. I think it is great she is close with them! What I do not like is that we no longer spend any vacation time together, like we used to. It has turned out that all of her vacation time now seems to be focused on her going back "home" to be with her sisters, and I am not invited along.

That seems extremely weird for a partner in marriage to me...


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## sfViz (Sep 30, 2013)

breeze said:


> ....
> 
> If you don't have a shared vision of what you want your marriage to be like, what do you have to hold on to when the going gets tough? Nothing.


The question of what is our shared vision is a great one that we have struggled with. My wife does not seem to be interested in future planning together. For example, retirement finances and plans, plans for the house or garden, and tings that I wish my partner would be more interested in.

We have discussed this in marriage counseling together in the past. This resulted in a short period of "going through the motions" for a while (a month or two), then that fizzled. 

That sends a message to me that she is not really interested in a future together with me.


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

It sounds like both of you are feeling unfulfilled with each other. She's bored and passing the time with her family. You're bored at home alone. 
Maybe it's time to plan a vacation together. Something simple is fine if money is an issue. Don't sit get down and talk to her about how you want to do something together. Think of a place you'd both like to go, get some brochures, and tell her that you'd really like to take her to see the world's largest rubber band ball, or whatever.

Sometimes we talk things to death when we really should be acting. She gets excited about going away and doing things. Maybe that's not about you, maybe she's just bored. Your move.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

sfViz said:


> The question of what is our shared vision is a great one that we have struggled with. My wife does not seem to be interested in future planning together. For example, retirement finances and plans, plans for the house or garden, and tings that I wish my partner would be more interested in.
> 
> We have discussed this in marriage counseling together in the past. This resulted in a short period of "going through the motions" for a while (a month or two), then that fizzled.
> 
> That sends a message to me that she is not really interested in a future together with me.


It seems you've already made the decision, now you're looking for justification for it. Good news, you don't need our approval, you just need to be able to live with yourself either way.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

If you are retired and she only works part-time, what do the two of you do when she's not working? I understand it might not be "on vacation" (IE not at home) but do the two of you genuinely enjoy each other's company?

Could you start taking day trips?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Let a few weeks pass then explain why you hurt to her in a calm manner. Ask her if she can think about it on her own time (don't demand an answer right there). After a few days, revisit the issue.

If she says she understands and offers to change, great. Give her one more chance. If she doesn't offer, then you have your answer.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

sfViz said:


> I should have mentioned that I offered to drive out with my wife so we could spend Christmas together and also help her sister out during this time. My wife did not like this idea, and wanted to go alone.


 Yes you should have mentioned that you were willing to go with her and that she did not want you to go. It puts a totally different spin on things.



sfViz said:


> What I do not like is that we no longer spend any vacation time together, like we used to. It has turned out that all of her vacation time now seems to be focused on her going back "home" to be with her sisters, and I am not invited along.


 Your initial post makes it seem like the issue that you had was that she wants to spend time with her family, when the real issue is that she does not want to spend time with you. 



sfViz said:


> That seems extremely weird for a partner in marriage to me...


 It is weird. With you having been the main bread winner, and with you already owning a nice house when she married you, it is possible that she only married you because she was middle aged, and you could give her the lifestyle that she could not otherwise have. Also, is it possible that your wife does not want you to go because she is meeting up with an ex-boyfriend when she is there?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sfViz said:


> The question of what is our shared vision is a great one that we have struggled with. My wife does not seem to be interested in future planning together. For example, retirement finances and plans, plans for the house or garden, and tings that I wish my partner would be more interested in.
> 
> We have discussed this in marriage counseling together in the past. This resulted in a short period of "going through the motions" for a while (a month or two), then that fizzled.
> 
> That sends a message to me that she is not really interested in a future together with me.


How many hours a week to you and your wife spend together, just the two of you, doing things together?

When you do things together, what do you do?


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

I'm confused. Why do you not feel like this is a true partnership? Extended family is important also. She is gone 2 weeks out of the year. I understand the Christmas thing but could you have gone and spent Christmas with them? There is something bigger than she goes to spend time with her family two weeks out of the year. What is the real problem?


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

sfViz said:


> I should have mentioned that I offered to drive out with my wife so we could spend Christmas together and also help her sister out during this time. My wife did not like this idea, and wanted to go alone. Understandably, this may have been because having me along would complicate things.
> 
> It is not that I am trying to "control" my wife taking two weeks each year to go be with her sisters. I think it is great she is close with them! What I do not like is that we no longer spend any vacation time together, like we used to. It has turned out that all of her vacation time now seems to be focused on her going back "home" to be with her sisters, and I am not invited along.
> 
> That seems extremely weird for a partner in marriage to me...


I see. So she doesn't include you with her extended family.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

There is no doubt that when a spouse feels down at the list of priorities is hurtful; irrespective if you are a good partener or a boring one .

i used to be frightened by the idea of becoming physically incapable one day ; will my wife take care of me ?

I doubt .

human are selfish sometimes ; I recall one time my wife left me in the middle of climax to answer her sister call!


From same experience I can tell you the more you work on such an issue , the more it will get complicated; I have been dealing with similar issues for years ; the only time it gets better is when I am looking at thinks from different perspective ; which means it is me who is changing ; however this approach is returning positive outcomes too.

The approach I am talking about is :

-Identified few good hobbies I like (fishing, hunting , etc).
-Identified few toxic hobbies i like ( drinking , porn,watching a performer , etc...)

Gradually I declared them to my wife ; and confirmed that they are imp to me l started executing them on a healthy frequency , and never deviate from doing them even if im not in the mood.

it shoudn't look like a silent treatment or punish ...

if you want to get closer to your wife ; get away from her way from time to time ; she will reconnected and miss you ; the most important is that you don't show her it is a punishement for her ...

so instead of a gradual approach of punishment system ; use rewarding system ; very important that you do not show her that you are doing things as a real replacment to her inexistance or nocare ; rather these are things you love doing ....

believe me she will join by herself sometimes...

You are able to judge better if it is worth throwing the towel ; think about it logically then emotionally; 

If I where you ; and the vacation and caring is the only thing that is affecting your marriage ; just throw it behind your back and grow thicker skin ; I am now having a variable skin which is thick when hurt and softer when she reconnects to me !

bottom line , you can change and adapt , stay 

otherwise , just throw the towel ...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Zouz said:


> I recall one time my wife left me in the middle of climax to answer her sister call!


Omg...what the actual f??? Are you serious?


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

I didn't see it normal that while we were near orgasming ; she left the bed went to another room and picked that phone ...
came back after half an hour to find me sleeping .


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## sfViz (Sep 30, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How many hours a week to you and your wife spend together, just the two of you, doing things together?


We spend approximately 2 hours a day together where we are either taking our dogs for a walk, or reading in the same room. We do not have TV. Some weekends we go on hikes together. 

This is much less time together than earlier in or marriage. We used to ski together, go out to dinner, go see shows. Now our time together is pretty dull. 





EleGirl said:


> When you do things together, what do you do?


We do not have much conversation together like we used to. 

I have a lot of resentment built up, and I am sure my wife does too. I find it hard to be affectionate with her since I am very upset at her lack of partnership and taking on some responsibility in our partnership (financial, keeping track of things, planning together). This is an old pattern of mine I have with her and although I know it is not healthy, I seem to revert back to it when she reneges on agreements made. 

Instead of discussing things when boundaries are crossed, we both seem to become passive aggressive, or "guilt trip". I tend not to bring up problems or concerns since she has a tendency to get extremely defensive (in a verbally abusive manner). We have tried to work on this together with marriage counselor's and that helped for a while, however this dynamic is still present.

I have so much resentment built up inside me, and I do not talk about it with her, so it builds, and then I shut down affection and attention (immature on my part....). My resentment is mostly due to her not respecting agreements on partnership that we worked out in the past.

For example, our marriage counselor had to strongly recommend to my wife that she contribute some financial support to our monthly expenses, and that I should not have to ask for that. The pattern has been that my wife will start to do automatic bank transfers, then stop them, without telling me. I find out months later (since I am not on top of the finances as much as I should be). Now that I am not working, this is a more important issue.

Her frequent and extended trips back home to see her sisters and father were also an issue that we worked out so that she would balance these trips with some vacation time together. Each year though she ends up spending more time away from home, with her sisters, and less time doing vacations together with me. The first 7 years of our 15 year marriage we would go on trips together at least once a month (usually weekend camping trips). Now we never go together.

Earlier this year she spent 2 months continuously away, helping her father organize his estate and house, as he is aging. During that time I noticed on our phone bill that she had been calling old boyfriends. This concerned me since I had no idea what was really going on, and she was away from home and around them. I called her out on this and she did not have much to say, although she was mad I brought it up and seemed to be acting guilty. Her phone calls with them ended for 5 months or so. Now I notice them again. It is pretty obvious for me to see these since I get the monthly bills of phone and text messages. 

I took your advice and I am about 1/2 through the book "His Needs, Her Needs". Thank you for recommending this book. It makes a lot of sense and helps explain how marriages can go awry. 

I notice that she is frequently texting an ex boyfriend of her sister, who is unmarried father of my wife's nephew (and the unmarried father of two other sons with two other women). Reading "His Needs, Her Needs", makes me really question if now she is having an affair with him, or about to. Should I ask her directly about this now? ( I will hopefully finish this book today).

These problems have been going on for a long time now. I see that my needs are not being met { lack of partnership (family commitment), lack of openness and honesty, financial support, sexual fulfillment (she sleeps in the other room), physical attractiveness, recreational companionship.}. Gee, looks like the "train is already wrecked".

This past few weeks things really hit me hard when she announced that (1) she needed to spend time with her sister while her nephew was having surgery, (2) telling, versus discussing together, that she was going to go be with her sister during the time of the surgery and come back home on Dec 24 for Christmas -- (fine with me), however, then changing this to be that she needed to be away with her sister (??) over Christmas, (3) resisting my attempts to try and come be with her and her sisters during this time. ( I was told that it would complicate things too much by me being there while all the chaos of the surgery and recovery was going on). 

My wife and I talked about it and I told her how much it hurt me that my wife chose not to be with her husband over Christmas and that it upset me. After that she started to really "back pedal", she bought a little Christmas tree for me to have at home, offered that we celebrate before she left. She apologized for the way that she handled this, and it seemed somewhat genuine, albeit reactive. I told her I was hurt about how things were done and how I felt not included. I think she was feeling very guilty. I am very confused though. 

My gut instinct is usually right and I tend to act on it. It tells me that she has withdrawn, her needs were not being met (by my poor way of handling the resentment and lack of progress I needed to see). I am now wondering if it is really worthwhile going on with her, or just moving on. 

My "quick reply" has turned into a dissertation, my apologies for the diatribe. I appreciate everyone's comments and perspectives.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

sfViz said:


> *Her frequent and extended trips back home* to see her sisters and father were also an issue that we worked out so that she would balance these trips with some vacation time together. Each year though she ends up spending more time away from home, with her sisters, and less time doing vacations together with me. The first 7 years of our 15 year marriage we would go on trips together at least once a month (usually weekend camping trips). *Now we never go together.*
> 
> Earlier this year she spent 2 months continuously away, helping her father organize his estate and house, as he is aging. *During that time I noticed on our phone bill that she had been calling old boyfriends.* This concerned me since I had no idea what was really going on, and she was away from home and around them. I called her out on this and she did not have much to say, although *she was mad I brought it up and seemed to be acting guilty.* Her phone calls with them ended for 5 months or so. *Now I notice them again.* It is pretty obvious for me to see these since I get the monthly bills of phone and text messages.
> 
> ...


Read the sections of your post I highlighted. You have major red flags here. At this point, from what you posted, I would bet big money on some form of infidelity while at her sisters. 

Your presence with her over Christmas would have complicated things with her lover, not her sister and nephew.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

sfViz said:


> We spend approximately 2 hours a day together where we are either taking our dogs for a walk, or reading in the same room. We do not have TV. Some weekends we go on hikes together.
> 
> This is much less time together than earlier in or marriage. We used to ski together, go out to dinner, go see shows. Now our time together is pretty dull.
> 
> ...


This latest update is more ominous than your previous posts.

In any case, only you can make a decision as to what is best for YOU, so make sure that whatever you decide, it will be something that you can live with for the rest of your life.

You may also be interested in reading *What I've Learned in the Past Year - A good news story*


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## sfViz (Sep 30, 2013)

Thank you, the post "What I've Learned in the Past Year-- A good news story" is spot on. Great story.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

sfViz said:


> Thank you, the post "What I've Learned in the Past Year-- A good news story" is spot on. Great story.


You're welcome. It is not only inspirational but very empowering as well.

You may also want to check out *Just Let Them Go*.

Of course it is not Marriage Builders approved


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## Vanille (Dec 13, 2014)

When I read the first post I was going to say that I feel similarly lonely with the fact that my husband seems to enjoys his family's company more than mine. I can't have holidays with just him and my daughter, I have to stay with his family (who is horrible btw). I don't even see him when we're there, he's running around stores with his brothers or playing video games. So sit awkwardly in the guest bedroom for a few days... I hate it. It's been this way for 7 years. Any time I try to change things it's an excessive amount of drama to the point of absurdity.

I just read your lately update though, and it seems this is way more than a weird family attachment. She's cheating. It's that simple. Please don't let her drag you around!


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## sfViz (Sep 30, 2013)

Later today I am meeting alone with our marriage counselor. I am at the point where I think it is time to end my marriage, or at least separate.

I am not sure if I should reveal at this point, to our counselor if I think my wife is having an affair? 

I do not have any "smoking gun" evidence yet. I am contemplating using some of the methods suggested on this forum to find out more. 

One thing I know is that my wife's complaints about me are legit. I have withdrawn affection to her and retreated. This has been my response to her continued (over the past 10 years) breaking of agreements (financial and responsibility) and boundaries. The biggest issue for me is that she seems to be more engaged in her sisters lives back at home in another state than here. She would rather spend time away from me, than with me. I am sure my withdrawing has helped this, although this has been a continued sore point in our marriage. I am upset because she is not engaged in planning and partnership here. She sleeps in the other bedroom most of the time. We have terrible communication skills and I am afraid to initiate discussion on important topics with her, because she gets extremely defensive and verbally abusive to me.

My wife suffers from severe depression. She does not want to talk about it, and she refuses to take medication for it. Our counselor suggested medication because her depression is serious.

I know I have done many things wrong, or not in a smart way by withdrawing. For me, it seemed like my only way to communicate that I was unhappy. If I tried to talk about things with her it became unsafe -- she would get verbally abusive.

Without going over a decade of examples.. the latest one was when I gently told her that it hurt me to learn that my wife had made plans to be away from me over Christmas for a week, and that when I offered a way to come along her, that she and her sisters (and probably a unverified lover) found excuses for me not to come -- my wife's response was "Why don't you be a big boy and learn how to spend Christmas alone this year?". Wow. She later said that was a mean thing to say and she was sorry.

My gut feeling tells me she is already gone. Having an affair, and is feeling guilty and not wanting to hurt me. She says she loves me, however I doubt she is in love with me.

My gut feeling tells me that I should probably move on. However, this is a big step. Should I suggest a separation, or a divorce, or learn more of what exactly is going on. For example, will she admit she is having an affair, if that is indeed the case. Or should I be sneaky and gather more evidence? 

I really liked some of the earlier advice given about just letting go. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...ned-past-year-good-news-story.html#post356548

Friends tell me to just chill out for a bit, do not make any big moves yet, try to find out more evidence regarding her having an affair. If we got divorced now it would be financially painful for me since I am in between a career change and starting up a new business (i.e. living off savings). To me, who I am, it does not feel right to hold off a divorce until the financial timing is right. Although I consider myself a "naive idealist".

What to do... ? I hope I can be strong and do what is right for me....


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## IWantGreatMarriage (May 20, 2014)

If I still remember my maths, there are 52 weeks in a year and your wife spends only 2 of those with her family, how is that such a big problem? I am travelling to see my family for 2 weeks in another country, should I then be concerned about marriage? Should I not be excited about seeing my family?
I think you need to find some hobbies for yourself and people you are excited to see that way you won't feel cheated when your wife travels. Your wife cannot be your everything. 
As for the Chritsmas, it's unfortunate she couldn't come home to spend the day with you, but my first thought was why couldn't you drive down for the Christmas?
Just my 2 cents

Ok. Just read the las update, maybe there other things going on. goodluck figuring them out


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## Vanille (Dec 13, 2014)

Edit: Whoa posted in the wrong thread entirely. Sorry!  Too many tabs open. 

Edit 2: Okay I just read your latest post. So, so sad. I'm sorry this is happening.  You need to tell her all of the things you have told us. Write it in a letter if you have to. You can't fix things if you don't communicate. Also, I really would encourage the meds, depression is horrible. Why does she not want to take it?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

sfViz said:


> Later today I am meeting alone with our marriage counselor. I am at the point where I think it is time to end my marriage, or at least separate.
> 
> I am not sure if I should reveal at this point, to our counselor if I think my wife is having an affair?
> 
> ...



Glad you're moving forward. Sorry bout what you're going trough. Been there. This will get better just takes some time


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

sfViz said:


> Last year my wife went to go help clean up her father's home for 2 months! This caused a lot of grief in our marriage.


I don't blame you for being upset about that. Your wife works, her sisters don't. And they live in their father's house for free. They are the ones who should get off their obese asses and clean their father's house. Not your wife!! 



sfViz said:


> The little bit of vacation time my wife gets off from work she uses to run back home to be with her family out in California.


Since you are retired, have you considered moving to California? Then she can spend time with her family without burning her vacation time. That's assuming, of course, that you have satisfied yourself that she is not having an affair.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

If she's unwilling to do her part in rebuilding the marriage, you only have 2 options, stay or leave. Whatever option you choose, you must begin the emotional detachment from your wife. One excellent way is to start with *the 180 degrees*. It is tough and it may take many tries before you do it seamlessly. But once you master it, you will no longer be afraid of the outcome of your marriage.


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## sfViz (Sep 30, 2013)

chaos said:


> If she's unwilling to do her part in rebuilding the marriage, you only have 2 options, stay or leave. Whatever option you choose, you must begin the emotional detachment from your wife. One excellent way is to start with *the 180 degrees*. It is tough and it may take many tries before you do it seamlessly. But once you master it, you will no longer be afraid of the outcome of your marriage.


Thank you Talk About Marriage - View Profile: chaos for the pointer to The Healing Heart: The 180 This makes a lot of sense, and is inline with the link you sent me about being strong and letting go. Today at the counselor it was interesting. The counselor did not know a lot about what had been going on and was so surprised they bet me that I am not accurate in my assessment. That was a surprise for me too. Following something like the 180 is good. My earlier plan was to hand out some of the exercises from His Needs, Her Needs, and work them through together. This however seems clingy, needy, and sends the message that what you just did is OK. I think that now, tonight when she gets home, I will begin the 180. (I have been doing a lot of that for a while, except it has come across as me shunning her and ignoring her too much). Wish me luck and strength.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

sfViz said:


> Thank you Talk About Marriage - View Profile: chaos for the pointer to The Healing Heart: The 180 This makes a lot of sense, and is inline with the link you sent me about being strong and letting go. Today at the counselor it was interesting. The counselor did not know a lot about what had been going on and was so surprised they bet me that I am not accurate in my assessment. That was a surprise for me too. Following something like the 180 is good. My earlier plan was to hand out some of the exercises from His Needs, Her Needs, and work them through together. This however seems clingy, needy, and sends the message that what you just did is OK. I think that now, tonight when she gets home, I will begin the 180. (I have been doing a lot of that for a while, except it has come across as me shunning her and ignoring her too much). Wish me luck and strength.


Dr Willard Harley's book "His Needs, Her Needs" is a great book for couples who are committed to restoring their marriages. Sadly your wife seems to be light years away from committing to do her part in restoring the marriage and until that happens, "His Needs, Her Needs" must be put back on the book shelf.

In the meantime, consider developing outside interests that will take you away from your wife. How she reacts to this may help you cement your decision on whether to stay or leave.

Good luck


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## sfViz (Sep 30, 2013)

Vanille said:


> Edit: Whoa posted in the wrong thread entirely. Sorry!  Too many tabs open.
> 
> Edit 2: Okay I just read your latest post. So, so sad. I'm sorry this is happening.  You need to tell her all of the things you have told us. Write it in a letter if you have to. You can't fix things if you don't communicate. Also, I really would encourage the meds, depression is horrible. Why does she not want to take it?


Thank you Vanille. My wife does not even acknowledge, or refuses to acknowledge that she has depression. Even when the counselor strongly recommends medication, she ignores it. It is like a big white elephant. Her sisters are extreme "new age hippies", and they refuse / argue anything that is western medicine. I am open to both, and not a huge fan of taking prescribed drugs, however, there are tradeoffs and a balance is needed here. Tonight she comes home. I am going to be nice, however, not roll over and try to follow the "180 degree" method posted below. Ready to be strong and aware.


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## Pinche Culero (Jan 5, 2015)

I hope her sisters have room for her after she finds herself a divorced woman.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Marriage is either a priority it's not.

There is no middle ground here IMO.

Personally, I would not stay married to anyone that didn't make our marriage a priority and dedicated more time to <insert anything or anyone> than the marriage.

I would recommend that OP start tracking exact # of hours she spends with sisters and him. For about a month, then present it to wife....see what she says.

If she doesn't recognize/realize the issue, it's time for more drastic measures.....

Another issue I see is financial negligence (her dependance on you). It seems like what she is doing to you is a smaller version of what her sisters are doing to their dad.

Why doesn't she have a full time job? Does she pay for 1/2 of ALL expenses? She should! Also, just because you own the house and paid it off, doesn't mean she should not be contributing towards the house. She should probably have the responsibility to pay for all maintenance and taxes since you paid off the house (something along the line, but that sounds fair to me).

This should leave her with very little money or TIME for vacations/trips to her family and working to make money to sustain.

Especially since you are not working.

Any action towards above will go a long way to make you feel more comfortable in your marriage and her being your life partner.


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