# Ladies - Hubby needs help



## Alwaysconfused (Feb 18, 2010)

I'm stuck and need your help. I posted this on a different thread but would like a womans perspective.

I was married back in June 09. When my wife and I started dating it was great. Now we argue constantly over little things and it turns into big explosions of ill feelings and resentment. I told her that I don't want to argue anymore but I seem to always do something wrong or never do what she thinks is "the right thing to do".

When she gets upset at me she feels that she needs to teach me a lesson by not touching me, not talking to me, leaving the house for long periods of time .... anything but sitting down and talking to me to fix or discuss the problem. 

Unfortunately I wear my heart on my sleeve and do everything for us (i.e. pay all the bills, take time to be with her even when I could be somewhere else with friends and bend over backwards - sometimes forwards) to diffuse an argument. I just feel that I should get the same common courtesy that she expects from me. 

For example I hurt my achellies tendon in January and had to have surgery. Due to my injury I have to rely on my wife for rides to and from work. She replied to me "I have a life, friends and a career too..." and basically said that I was on my own. 

Since she said that I was on my own I had to get a ride from a female work associate (no male associate was available to help) and because my wife would not come and get me. When my wife called to talk to me to get some information I told her that I was getting a ride from my work assosciate. My wife became very upset and now wont talk to me.

I then relized that she wants to limit my options ... what gives her the right to limit my decisions based upon her feelings. It is two people in the relationship that does not mean that one person gets to make to rules while making the other suffer. She does not say "I'm sorry" nor does she give me the benfit of the doubt. Please give me some advice.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

It's impossible to analyze the situation at all fairly based on one message board post, which is of course, one side of what I'm sure is a long and complex story. That said, based on what I see above, your wife sounds terribly selfish.

I think often when people get married they have no idea of the enormity of the commitment they're making. Once they're "locked in," so to speak, they have feelings like, "gee, I'm not sure I like this whole marriage thing. I want to be free to come and go as I please, to have friends, flirtations, whatever." These feelings aren't a problem in and of themselves... but what I think a lot of people do next IS the problem. I think people have these feelings and then think, "well, since I had that feeling, there must be something wrong with my marriage."

The truth is that feelings are like weather - they come and go and change all the time. Commitments are what endures.

Of course I have no idea if this is what's underneath your wife's seemingly quite nasty behavior, but I think it's worth checking out. You guys need to learn how to communicate with each other, and I think a high-quality counselor could really help.


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## Alwaysconfused (Feb 18, 2010)

Mal74 said:


> It's impossible to analyze the situation at all fairly based on one message board post, which is of course, one side of what I'm sure is a long and complex story. That said, based on what I see above, your wife sounds terribly selfish.
> 
> I think often when people get married they have no idea of the enormity of the commitment they're making. Once they're "locked in," so to speak, they have feelings like, "gee, I'm not sure I like this whole marriage thing. I want to be free to come and go as I please, to have friends, flirtations, whatever." These feelings aren't a problem in and of themselves... but what I think a lot of people do next IS the problem. I think people have these feelings and then think, "well, since I had that feeling, there must be something wrong with my marriage."
> 
> ...


Thank you for your input. :iagree:


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

Always, I'm not sure how helpful I can be, but I was also married in June 2009 and can relate to your story. Except that I am the nagging wife, which I loath. 

I think that after the wedding I suddenly expected my H to grow up. After all, he was 30 and we had been together for 9 1/2 years at that point. I knew that my expectations were too much, so for the first three months I pretty much sat back and waited to see how he would act. He was immature, lazy, and could or would not grasp the concept that we were married and it wasn't just him making decisions for him anymore. The resentment in me grew. Finally I snapped in September when he told me he sold his car. I didn't bother me that he sold the car, but that he still didn't think to say, "mind if I sell the car?"

Nearly two weeks ago he confessed that while I thought he was working long hours at the new job he started in October, for the last four months he was getting draws from his boss and going to the bar or buying beer and going to his co-workers house to play video games every night. He spent $2000+ on his jolly times. Worse is the lies. There were times I was suspicious and nearly caught him, but he just lied some more. (BTW, had he not confessed, I probably would have caught him the next day, I was hot on his trail.) During this time he was being completely selfish and acting like he was single.

During this four months I nagged and nagged. Mostly via text message. He wasn't helping around the house, with the dogs, and I was really lonely with all that time by myself. I'm 29 and not getting any younger, so all this time I was also thinking that it may not be such a good idea to have kids with this man, and wondering how long until I should give up and move on. 

Now that H had his fun, he realizes that it is me and our eventual family that he wants. He had to agree to complete transparency, among other things in order for me to be able to trust him again. 

Not trying to hijack your thread, just thought you might relate. 

If you are arguing about house work, maybe make a list of what needs done and divide it up in a way that seems fair to both of you? 

Some of her comments seem a little rude and selfish. Do you think she realizes that?


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## Alwaysconfused (Feb 18, 2010)

Thank you for the input. I dont think that she understands that she is being selfish. Yesterday I spoke to her to explain some important:

1. I wanted her to understand that I do not want to argue with her anymore. If there is a concern then we need to discuss it immediately and not to let it fester.

2. Have mutual respect for each other...if one of us makes the other upset come to the other and explain why you're unhappy. If you need to time to get your thoughts together ..fine. 

3. I explained to her that we don't need to retailiate with each other when the other makes you upset. For example, If I make her upset that does not mean to try to insult me, be mean, not touch me or feel that you need to run away. Every action gets a reaction...the reaction does not have to be a "one up" return action. It does not make it better. Also both of us should apologize when this occurs. 

4. I then asked her if there were some things that we need to deal with and she said "No, not right now". She is still mad but her selfishness she will not recognize.

I'm transparent, I discuss with her my actions and try to get her to understand that we work together not apart. It has been difficult to get her to use the word "OUR" instead of "I, me or mine". It was pretty comical when she got mad at me and said that I was an "unappreciative bastard" because I did not "appreciate her time". Huh? I refuse to suck up to her for helping her husband. I do say thank you when she does help but I even clean the house with a torn achellies. Do you think that I got a "thank you"? :scratchhead:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to marriage counseling, or your pastor. An outside person may be able to explain to her that you BOTH have to be giving.


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