# Narcissistic Abuse Recovery



## eldubya

This is to share recovery experiences if you believe or know your ex had narcissistic personality disorder or any associated character disorder. There are well known effects such a relationship has on the partner and recovery usually involves a big uphill battle. This site in particular helped me see the nature of the abuse, the effect on the partner, and the way to self healing: Narcissism and the The Effectiveness of Quanta Freedom™ Healing : Melanie Tonia Evans
Please share links resources and insights about your experiences and how you recovered.


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## eldubya

Just a follow up...dont get stuck on labels or diagnosing your partner. Look for the effects the relationship had on you. Figure out how you got hooked on the relationship. What childhood experience made you vulnerable? For me I am always trying to clean up other peoples messes. I now see this has been true all my life...at work and in my relationships. My aha moment of freedom could not have happened unless I had experienced "the bottom" in my marriage. That is my spouse made a shambles and then left basically telling me it was my mess to clean up and I get left holding the bag. Thank you...I was blind and now I see my pattern! And Im still alive!


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## 3Xnocharm

That was a very interesting article, thanks for sharing.


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## EnjoliWoman

It was, thank you.

Ex WAS diagnosed and it was a lot like that but I have no PTSD although my 'trigger' would be a male yelling angrily, I cower inside. 

But other than that, I'm relatively unscathed. The biggest part was getting the diagnosis. I petitioned the court for a psychological evaluation for parental fitness at a custody hearing. 

Knowing the diagnosis was HUGE. I was thinking he was bi-polar but once I started reading about NPD it was so clear. Maybe that's why the healing was easier - I could see it was all HIM, not ME. I was okay! I was not screwed up, crazy, etc. HE WAS. 

That was really great to learn. I also know that it's pretty hopeless when it comes to working with him because there is no compromise so I set my expectations accordingly and I'm glad I have full custody and final say in everything.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

It was difficult for me, but after some years of therapy and replaying the same old story with new and interesting narcissists (and their great stories and wonderful potential for success, lol, if only I would just keep investing in them time and energy...), I found that I was the one abusing myself.

After that really tough discovery, self-abuse by proxy, I began to recover. Now when I find myself with a narcissist who has a great story and wonderful potential and is in a crisis and needs my help, with big payoffs promised for me of course, I tell them how wonderful they're going to feel by owning their own success, and tell them what it is I'm doing for myself, handling my own problems and obstacles, and using win-win situations or paying fairly when I need assistance, and advise them to do the same. I also tell them I'm not going to apologize for getting what I want out of life, and give them great empathy (but no energy) with well wishes for getting what it is they want, too, but that they're barking up the wrong tree, and I don't have to explain myself any further.

I also had to deal with some kind of adrenaline addiction, which narcissists and being involved with them, feed into. Enough with that, I am ready for the beach (literally or figuratively) and some cloud watching.

The thing with narcissists, is that they need someone to dance with. Once you accept the dance and learn that they're a narcissist, just take them off your card. And forgive yourself for all of the past energies you put into them. Usually you've helped them so much that you have loads and loads of takeaway skills and coping strategies, that once applied to your own life, make your own life so much easier. So it's not a total waste of your past energies, really.

And when someone legitimately does need your help, it's so much easier to know just how much time it will take, and what you can realistically do without burnout or building up resentment.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

2ntnuf said:


> It helped with my triggers to let go of the anxiety. I am not cured, but I am working on the other triggers. I thought it was helpful.


You know, I think that's one of the way narcissists and their codependents work out so 'well' together. The N triggers the anxiety response in the co-dependent, and the co-dependent wants to make the anxiety go away, and so will react accordingly, with the action and attention desired by the N. I think a lot of co-dependents are the nurturing types, in fact the other day I was thinking about how many new mothers are preyed upon by N's who take advantage of their heightened nurturing hormones at that time. I know it happened to me.


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## eldubya

Great insights. 2ntnuf you mentioned something in your post I didn't recognize...NMMNG? Is that a therapy or a book?:scratchhead:


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

eldubya said:


> Great insights. 2ntnuf you mentioned something in your post I didn't recognize...NMMNG? Is that a therapy or a book?:scratchhead:


Same here, wondering.


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## eldubya

Thanks 2ntnuf! I actually started reading that book awhile back and agree..it can help anyone who may find they are co-dependent in their relationships. I think Ill now go finish reading!:smthumbup:


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

*eldubya:* GREAT idea for a thread! Thank you SO MUCH, sir/madam!

*Homemaker Numero Uno:* some really great insight for ME from your first post on this thread! Thanks!

*2ntnuf:* I LOVE the "Codependent No More" recommendation for people who've been involved with narcissists. I can't recommend it enough!

I have JUST FINISHED WORKING through that book with a fellow TAM member (whom I shall not name because I do not have his/her permission). We worked the book in tandem. 

We each read a chapter/chapters, wrote our responses out to the questions at the end of each chapter and emailed them to our buddy. The buddy read the responses, made inquiries or comments which elicited MORE THINKING on the subject. 

I TRULY FEEL I made TREMENDOUS PROGRESS by working on this book WITH A BUDDY. I would HIGHLY RECOMMEND the same to others here at TAM (neither buddy nor I could afford IC, and yet we had an objective person off of whom to bounce ideas and who asked INSIGHTFUL questions...not just ego-stroking!)

This posting has given me a great idea for the TAM board as a whole! I think I will head to the Suggestion Box as soon as I am finished here!

Anyone have ideas/suggestions/help for dealing with the fact that my NPD STBXH "hates me" MORE THAN he "loves our child"? The fact that he would rather screw her over than do something good for her (if it will accidentally help/be nice to me) just SICKENS me. I try to ignore it, but she sees it, too (she's in her mid-teens). I expect it will ALWAYS be this way, and it saddens me for HER sake!

I hope this thread continues and I'll check back in!


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## working_together

I enjoyed reading that article. I have read a lot on Narcistic people, and since i have been apart from my ex for a little over a year, it is so blatent obvious to me. Have I healed from it? nope, I have triggers. I've been in a relationship for a few months, and all I ever want to do is sabatage because it feels too "normal", he's too nice etc. I have no idea why at times I get angry with myself, and the way I feel in this relationship, I feel like I want to get mad at him because he's just too nice and easy going. After 24 years of being with someone who basically twisted everything I said, and turned things around to make it my fault, it's new to be in this type of situation. I end up looking for things to get angry at, although I never say anything, I just withdraw. 

Blahhh


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## EnjoliWoman

SGW - 

The only way he'll love her more than hate you is if she joins him in mom-bashing. It IS really sad. I'm not sure if kiddo joins him anymore or if she just goes along with it to maintain the peace. But she knows his love is conditional - when she was five and hesitant about going with him, he told her "if you don't want to see, me, I don't HAVE to see you!" and he was so angry when he said it she immediate capitulated. She knows my love is unconditional. 

As long as the child feeds the needs of the NPD, the child will remain in favor. But any time they don't, all hell breaks loose.


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## gumboot

My ex is a sociopath, most likely NPD. I think i have the "stockholm syndrome". I came out of the marriage a shell of a human being and yet I still fantasise about us getting back together. Very confusing!


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## EnjoliWoman

I'd say counseling is a must for you, gumboot.

I stuck around long enough hoping to evoke change that I was so over it by the time I left.


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## gumboot

I hung in there too. I have a great counsellor.
The belittling was the worst. 
I lost my identity by giving up everything that i enjoyed to try and please her. I was a typical co-dependant.
Still a bit of healing to do.


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## working_together

What's really sad is that these people don't seek treatment, and do not ever feel they have a problem, it's always the other person. They go on to other relationships, and do the same damage.

really sad.


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## stillhoping

or they seek treatment with someone who just reinforces their own thoughts. I too am with a great counselor who is making me see that I accepted everything he told me about myself. Today he even told me I was "passionless", really, he was the one who never wanted to be together, he was tired, fat, etc. depressed and unwilling to get help is more like it. I could have told him about the relationship I just ended after 6 months, that was so passionate I had to tell the guy to stay home so I could sleep! But I won't do that, I owe him nothing!


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## LoveMouse

The whole thing hit home w/ me and explains why I'm still here looking for answers.....but to what was the question yesterday....and I copied/paste and emailed to the GF who just doesn't understand why I am like this. I even warned her it had nothing to do w/ her, it was damage done for 20yrs....and she still asked what I wanted her to do differently......there's nothing anybody can do!!! Now what??
Mouse


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## Nsweet

To anyone here still dealing with the fallout of a bad relationship with an abusive person, my heart goes out to you! Even though it's been about three years now I still carry some of those emotional scars that I don't think ever heal. Those scars that were left over from childhood that she just tore open with her abuse. 

You see I was very parentified as a child and ended up taking care of my own depressed and drug addicted borderline mother, so it's no shocker I went after damsels in distress to save. I literally charged out there at twenty-one years of age saying to my friends "I want a damaged girl I can save". Boy did I find her..... My wife was the very definition of a poor little damsel in distress, which was why I fell in love with her. But it wasn't long before I was made the bad guy to blame all of her problems on. 

That sweet and loving perfect mother to be I married turned into a monster and made me feel like an absolute assh*le for making her cry. She was always f*cking crying! If the light bulb on her night light went out she would cry. If there was thunder she would cry. She cried at scary movies and cried any time I even hinted at being upset with her. But it was all an act! Come to find out, as is with borderline personality disorder, she hated herself which made her cry, which made me feel like a failure as a husband for always upsetting her. 

The only time she seemed happy was when she reduced me to tears and rubbed it in my face. She was very good at pushing my buttons and then morphing into the victim, so by the time I got out of the Navy with my PTSD and what they call "decompression" I had just chocked it up to being my fault. And towards the end there I actually believed I was somehow to blame for her choice to cheat on me two or three times with little boys, not even men, who you might find behind the counter at Hot Topic. She left me for some chain-smoking pothead of a emo boyfriend - Someone as bad as she was.

So I carried all of what she shed on me for years after divorce. I mean I really thought I was the scum of the earth and undeserving of the life I had. What made it worse was going from work in the Navy and being bullied to going home and being emotionally bullied by my wife. It's no wonder I had a psychological and only healed when I was away from both evil sources. My divorce from my wife was final a year ago and it still hurts a little. The only thing that helped me see I wasn't to blame, not even half as bad as she claimed was.... 

Oddly enough it was talking to other people going through affairs and divorce both here and real life. I mean you feel like you don't deserve to love again, until you meet someone just like you who says "You're what I should have married instead of that asshat!". And you know, those are probably the most healing words I could have ever been told. 

Oh, by the way I did do therapy for a while with three phone calls from Divorce Busters and then some grief counseling with the cheap clinic here. Neither one of those helped much because shrinks today don't know much about the certain signs non PDs display after the fallout. Had I gone to the wrong doctor at the wrong time I might have been diagnosed with her problems, which were mine at the time, and well.... I just didn't find any good resources around me, but a whole bunch of great books I downloaded helped me in record time. Has anyone read "Disarming the Narcissist" or "Walking on Eggshells"? Great books, I also have a tone more and dozens upon dozens of articles I've read that helped.


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