# What a coward! Why are some men like this?



## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

One of my friends met a guy online, they had fun talking and later she met him in person. The went to the bar and to the movies a few times. They had a minor argument about a little thing.

Suddenly out of the blue he did not answer his cell phone and did not return her mails after that.

She wrote to him she was okay with him not wanting to see her anymore, but wanted him to tell her. He did not answer that mail.

That is not the first time something like this happened to a girl I know and I really start wondering what is wrong with some men. Why are some men like this? I never heard that this happened to a man dating a girl.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Because there are so many men out there without the knowledge, the upbringing or the class to know a damn about manners. Count your blessings I say.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

He sounds like a coward. He wants to duck out of the situation without having to answer to anything. Your friend should
be happy that she found out now how he is. Sounds like she's better off without him. I have a feeling with the way he's handled
this, is just the tip of the iceberg of more problems to come if they had stayed together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

I'll make tea said:


> I never heard that this happened to a man dating a girl


Bull. Enough with the man hating. It happens all the time. Why are some men like this? Because its unpleasant, creates drama with females like your friend that wants to control how other people handle things instead of accept them. No wonder they argues. She is a pain in the ass and because they don't give a ****. He is chasing the next one. Why waste his time on someone that doesn't like taking obvious hints instead of needing a narcissistic ceremony to be told to bug off. Ridiculous. She needs to grow up and move on. Investing energy in those thoughts is silly.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Is he very young? I could behave like that when I was a teenager. I grew out of it, fortunately.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

The sort of behavior that the OP describes is foolish and juvenile and is just as common in females as it is in male. Immaturity is not gender specific although as an average I would say females reach maturity (physical and emotional) at an earlier age than males.

OP your friends is lucky to have discovered the maturity of her date at an early stage in there relationship.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Too much Seinfeld.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

-It would be very frustrating to deal with that, and it's good that she's done with him now, rather than when she's invested a lot of time, energy and emotion into a relationship.

-His gender isn't the issue, it's the behaviour. A childish and petty woman is no more fun to deal with than a childish and petty man. I'm not offended by the title, but think that "Why are some people like this?" would be more accurate.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

sh987 said:


> -It would be very frustrating to deal with that, and it's good that she's done with him now, rather than when she's invested a lot of time, energy and emotion into a relationship.
> 
> -His gender isn't the issue, it's the behaviour. A childish and petty woman is no more fun to deal with than a childish and petty man. I'm not offended by the title, but think that "Why are some people like this?" would be more accurate.


I did not want to offend anybody + know most men are not like it. Happy to hear only one of you defends this kind of behaviour. It is just that in my circle of friends things like this happened only to the women but not to the men / or the men do not talk about those things when they happen to them.

Might be coincidence.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

I'll make tea said:


> I did not want to offend anybody + know most men are not like it. Happy to hear only one of you defends this kind of behaviour. *It is just that in my circle of friends things like this happened only to the women but not to the men / or the men do not talk about those things when they happen to them.*
> 
> Might be coincidence.


I'd put odds on that being the case.

Don't share your marital woes with friends - they will talk you into divorce... and other tips on saving your marriage from relationship counsellor Andrew G.Marshall | Mail Online

"However, after almost 30 years working as a marital therapist, I’ve become convinced that, while men don’t have enough friends or emotional support, women can have far too many and too much."

The women you mention aren't married, but I'm inclined to believe that the same dynamics apply here.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I'll make tea said:


> One of my friends met a guy online, they had fun talking and later she met him in person. The went to the bar and to the movies a few times. They had a minor argument about a little thing.
> 
> Suddenly out of the blue he did not answer his cell phone and did not return her mails after that.
> 
> ...


It's a form of emotional manipulation.
He doesn't want to take responsibility for his part in the breakup.I also suspect he might have manipulated the entire argument.

He left her hanging without any closure so that she would by default ,always blame herself for the breakup.

Then later on he shows up mysteriously looking to " reconnect" in order to get a " booty call."

It's basically manipulation , player style.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Could be the case.

Sometimes I am really puzzled by some men's tendency not to talk to anybody about a problem until the figured how to solve it.

Hubby sometimes tells me "Hurray! I solved the XYZ problem". Well, I did not even know that this problem existed before he told me he fixed it.

That worries me a lot because one day I might for example die because he did not tell me the house is on fire in order not to scare me.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> It's a form of emotional manipulation.
> He doesn't want to take responsibility for his part in the breakup.I also suspect he might have manipulated the entire argument.
> 
> He left her hanging without any closure so that she would by default ,always blame herself for the breakup.
> ...


Jeez... Life is TOO short to deal with such jackassery.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

It certainly is rude but in all honesty who needs closure for someone you haven't spent that much time with? Just realize he is a jerk and move on. In general I hate to be a "women do this too type of poster" but the reality is women also do this. The motives are different though. Often times its because they realize there is no chemistry. You can't really say lets just be friends with someone you don't plan on seeing again, so a lot of people just say nothing. Especially if the other party hasn't really done anything wrong. It isn't the best way to handle it.

She should not have reached out for closure. In my opinion it may have made her look weak. Never invest time being concerned with someone that obviously isn't concerned with you. I'm with CM on this one. Unlike most women most men could care less about chemistry when other options are exhausted. Advise your friend to just stay away from him.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> * Unlike most women most men could care less about chemistry when other options are exhausted. *


Yes.
That's why I believe that women are wired different psychologically to men.
It comes naturally to them.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

It's possible he was dating other women at the same time, and chose one of them over her.

It's possible his wife found out, or he had second thoughts about cheating.

It's possible he got hit by a bus.

It's possible something awful happened in his life, and he needs to deal with that, and not dating.

It's possible that after a few dates that he didn't want anything to do with your friend.

It's possible that after a few dates your friend didn't "put out" so he bailed.

It's possible this "minor argument" wasn't so minor to him.

It's possible he's immature and doesn't care.

It's possible he doesn't like conflict.


My point is, it doesn't matter. He could be a jerk, he could have viable reasons. It was a few dates, he's not the one (or she's not the one for him), move on!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I think just as many women do this as men.

so what be glad and move on.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You're using the behavior of one man in one instance to paint us all as immature cowards? 

:scratchhead:

It's a good thing you don't like drama...


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Who said ever I don't like drama ??? + what has noticing this to do with liking drama?
... and I said "some". No need to feel offended.

It is something I noticed in some men, not in all, not even in most.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Caribbean Man said:


> It's a form of emotional manipulation.
> He doesn't want to take responsibility for his part in the breakup.I also suspect he might have manipulated the entire argument.
> 
> He left her hanging without any closure so that she would by default ,always blame herself for the breakup.
> ...



Just sad... ...but I believe it....if she is smart, she will never allow him to sucker her again. 

Here is how I look at it.. unless it is a stalker situation/ life is in danger, someone is mentally unstable ... I for myself would give an explanation to why I was not wanting to continue a relationship, for closures's sake, This is respectable / honorable....to have that conversation , as hard as it may be...

I think , by default , in today's society, we treat each other with less care than it used to be in the past.. I find it very disheartening....I would hate to be single today...


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

It's not just men. I did some online dating a while back and women did this all the time. One just stopped responding, I sent her a text saying just want to know you're alive. She responded to that with, "yeah sorry, umm, my brother's sick? I've been out of town? My dog died? All of the above?"

3 weeks later I get a text from her saying, "hi. I'm single again!!" 

I agree though men or women need to grow a pair and just say hey this isn't working out. Or I've met someone else or what ever. Jeez it's not that hard.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I Don't Know said:


> It's not just men. I did some online dating a while back and women did this all the time. One just stopped responding, I sent her a text saying just want to know you're alive. She responded to that with, "yeah sorry, umm, my brother's sick? I've been out of town? My dog died? All of the above?"
> 
> 3 weeks later I get a text from her saying, "hi. I'm single again!!"
> 
> I agree though men or women need to grow a pair and just say hey this isn't working out. Or I've met someone else or what ever. Jeez it's not that hard.


This. It could also be that what was a "minor argument over a little thing" was a much bigger deal to him, although it wouldn't have taken much for him to just tell her that.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If she's going to date, she's going to need to get a thicker skin. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

They only went out one time and got into an argument and he didn't call her back.

I don't really see why anyone would have a great expectation from a first date, especially one that ended in arguing. 

He really doesn't owe her anything after a first date.

Wtih that said, he probably should have just mesaged her to say "Hey I had a nice dinner with you but I don't think we are a good match. Be well."

If it was the 5th or 10th date and he bailed totally, that'd be different, but they only just met.

Also, if they just met and are fighting... he may have thought she'd totally lose it if he told her's that he does not want to go out again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I for myself would give an explanation to why I was not wanting to continue a relationship, for closures's sake


But it wasn't a relationship. It was one date.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I Don't Know said:


> It's not just men. I did some online dating a while back and women did this all the time. One just stopped responding, I sent her a text saying just want to know you're alive. *She responded to that with, "yeah sorry, umm, my brother's sick? I've been out of town? My dog died? All of the above?"*
> 
> *3 weeks later I get a text from her saying, "hi. I'm single again!!" *


Wow. Talk about dodging a bullet!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'll make tea said:


> One of my friends met a guy online, they had fun talking and later she met him in person. *The went to the bar and to the movies a few times*. They had a minor argument about a little thing.
> 
> Suddenly out of the blue he did not answer his cell phone and did not return her mails after that.


OOPS. Sorry, I misread your first post...

Ok, sot hey went out a few times.That changes things. 

Yes, he should have given her the common courtesy to let her know he wasn't into it. But he didn't. So she should feel relieved that she doesn't have to waste more time with someone who can't even face up and tell her how he really feels (or rather, doesn't feel about her).

Men and women alike do this. It's an individual thing.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> But it wasn't a relationship. It was one date.


They went out "a few times" according to OP. Sounds like a case of conflict avoidance to me. Bad manners, not too classy, perhaps cowardice.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Based on how their arguement went, it could be that your friends personality is the type of one that wouldn't take rejection very well.

He could have replied with, I have decided to take time off dating, I am dating someone else, etc. (a polite excuse). But he knew based on his interaction with her that she would come back with, "You don't need to take time off. We can take it slow. ...." Or "who is she? were you seeing her at the same time as me? ...."

Based on his dealings with her, he decided it was easier to say nothing because he knew she wouldn't go away quietly.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

I'll make tea said:


> Why are some men like this? I never heard that this happened to a man dating a girl.


Uh, yeah, only men do this.

The guy probably had 1 or more other women going at the same time. Things didn't click on those 2 dates, so he dropped off. 

No point in getting all butthurt over it. Move on...


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I'll make tea said:


> One of my friends met a girl online, they had fun talking and later he met her in person. The went to the bar and to the movies a few times. They had a minor argument about a little thing.
> 
> Suddenly out of the blue she did not answer her cell phone and did not return his mails after that.
> 
> ...


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Some people just do not like confrontation. They are more of the 'get a clue' type. Some people on the other end just can't take 'no' as an answer and any kind of response brings communication back.

'How come' turns into 'because' which turns into 'because why.' It's to much of a hassle. They mission is that you ignore them completely and hope they get the message and eventually.. they do.

That, or he simply blocked her phone number from texting/calling him. 

Tell her to move on. She probably did it to some bozo back in high school or college anyways. Men? Women are notorious for the 'get a clue' approach.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If you are not in a committed, exclusive relationship with someone, they don't owe you anything. Not even a good-bye. 

That's why you don't bother to invest your heart into a casual dating thing. 

If you date long enough to make it to an exclusive relationship, hopefully by then you know enough about each other to be able to expect decent treatment from them if they did want to break up.

But just having met someone a few weeks ago? Having just a couple of dates? You don't actually know this person, they owe you nothing and vice versa.

That doesn't mean it is nice of someone to just disappear. I'm just saying they don't owe you anything.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> *But it wasn't a relationship. It was one date*.


I wasn't focusing on the *1 date* thing...flew right over my head when reading the post.... but irregardless.. just speaking for myself here... my ethics..... I am not one to leave another hanging... I just don't care for that behavior... though honestly... in the dating world, I would expect it in droves... 

Now if they were just a complete annoying cuss and I wanted them to go die.... or like I said a stalker type... I wouldn't answer....as they might just incite more & more & more....and not stop, text overload... Though I would ask for it to stop ...then Block. 

I like communication.. and I don't like those who leave you hanging..* this is one of the reasons I would never never never pester a man... after a 1st date, in my world, he contacts for the 2nd, showing interest....you WAIT.....when he doesn't call... his intentions are clear... move on. * Maybe he sees her as too eager, and well.. too argumentative for a 1st date.... and it was a huge turn off...


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I wasn't focusing on the *1 date* thing...flew right over my head when reading the post.... but irregardless.. just speaking for myself here... my ethics..... I am not one to leave another hanging... I just don't care for that behavior... though honestly... in the dating world, I would expect it in droves...
> 
> Now if they were just a complete annoying cuss and I wanted them to go die.... or like I said a stalker type... I wouldn't answer....as they might just incite more & more & more....and not stop, text overload... Though I would ask for it to stop ...then Block.
> 
> I like communication.. and I don't like those who leave you hanging..* this is one of the reasons I would never never never pester a man... after a 1st date, in my world, he contacts for the 2nd, showing interest....you WAIT.....when he doesn't call... his intentions are clear... move on. * Maybe he sees her as too eager, and well.. too argumentative for a 1st date.... and it was a huge turn off...


I agree.

He doesn't owe her like a partner of BF/GF owes the other person. She's still a human being, and deserves SOME sort of acknowledgement, imo, just like we all do. If she were talking to him, would he just completely ignore her? Not as likely.

I've been communicating like this (forums, BBSs, etc) since the 1980s and the idea back then was always to treat this as if you're having a normal conversation, except that you're not face to face, but that the same rules of etiquette apply.

What he did was extremely rude.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

He wasn't really into her in the first place, and the relationship even with just one minor disagreement is proving to be too much work for him with probably no "putting out" for her, or alternatively maybe the disagreement was one-sided and he doesn't want to be hanging out with a drama queen or sees it as indicative as a personality that will pick a fight and do fitness tests so he cut her off (and now she's kind of chasing him instead of just moving on, wanting to make a point or something?)

Honestly, first time I met a guy we had a bit of a disagreement, I made my point, he acceded, he is still chasing me even though I live a good 10 hours away. Why? Because in this case I was right, he knows I was right, and he could see from me holding my ground that I was a smart thinker and the type of woman he's interested in. But it was something worth having a disagreement about (and I based it on facts.) Thing is, having a disagreement doesn't make one disagreeable. It's what it's about and how it's framed. A minor disagreement early in a relationship (versus a major one, on which you really won't budge) shows that one isn't willing to do what it takes to have a pleasant evening out, someone who wants their own way at all costs, not just when it matters. Dating is not a venue for nit picking, it's to see if the person is agreeable, if not and it's a minor issue (not to do with personal safety, sex, etc.) then you can hold your tongue and file it away, and use that info later to decide if you're going to keep dating the person. There is no need to discuss it right then and there and make the experience unpleasant.

I guess what I'm saying is that when it comes to dating, your friend might be really different from how you know her, and a little nuts or unstable, wanting closure from someone you've been casually texting and gone out with a few times and only know from a dating scene, is well, kinda weird...how can you have closure when nothing really existed except a few invites and casual convo?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Women do this too. To be honest, I've done it a long time ago in college when I just wasn't into the person I saw once. It comes from conflice avoidance...not wanting to have an unpleasant conversation with someone. It's not something peculiar to men. You can't expect to get closure from someone you saw only a few times. 
I wouldn't bother getting an explanation from this particular man in OP's post. It's not like they had some long exclusive relationship. It sounds like it was a very casual dating experience.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I was divorced for many years and dated quite a bit. It happened to me several times, not only after one date, but also after several months of dating and being intimate. It was frustrating to wonder why all of a sudden (without any arguments) you haven't heard from someone you were seriously dating. It hurt my feelings, but I got used to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I'll make tea said:


> One of my friends met a guy online, they had fun talking and later she met him in person. *The went to the bar and to the movies a few times*. *They had a minor argument* about a little thing.
> 
> Suddenly out of the blue *he did not answer his cell phone *and *did not return her mails *after that.
> 
> *She wrote to him she was okay with him not wanting to see her anymore, but wanted him to tell her*. He did not answer that mail.


Wow! This is ALL on your girlfriend! What a pest! Honestly, if I was him, I'd be running, too!

Your gf may be a very nice gf to her women friends, but just look objectively at what you wrote about her interactions with this man:


They only went out a few times.
They still managed to have an ARGUMENT in those few times.
He quits returning her calls and emails...it's OBVIOUS he doesn't want to spend anymore time with her.
She SAYS she's "okay with it" followed by "but" (which means, everything I said before "but" was a big lie).
If she's so "okay" with it, why does she demand that he speak with her or write to her? Why is she demanding that he behave in any manner? They don't even have a relationship, they're CASUALLY dating!
What does she expect to gain from hearing "I don't want to date you anymore." Closure for a non-existant relationship? A chance to rebut his perspective and show him how he's WRONG to want to quit dating her? or What a jackhole he is to not want to date her? or You're not dumping ME, I'm dumping YOU?
There's no way any conversation/email is going to end well with your gf and this man. Her ego is too invested in these few casual dates they've had. She's looking for trouble or looking to be RIGHT; either way, it's nothing HE needs...just something SHE wants/needs. And, as Faithful Wife pointed out, he owes her NOTHING.

He owes her common courtesy, you say? How about her? Doesn't he have a right to peace without her multiple calls/emails? I'd love to know how many of each were really involved in this whole "I'm okay with it" scenario!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

See the movie He's just not into you.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Silence is his answer.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

I'll make tea said:


> I never heard that this happened to a man dating a girl.


Then you're quite sheltered or naive.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> She wrote to him she was okay with him not wanting to see her anymore, but wanted him to tell her. He did not answer that mail.


That's just creepy.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I'll make tea said:


> One of my friends met a guy online, they had fun talking and later she met him in person. The went to the bar and to the movies a few times. They had a minor argument about a little thing.
> 
> Suddenly out of the blue he did not answer his cell phone and did not return her mails after that.
> 
> ...


When I see complaints like this one, I think of two things..

1. He truly is a cowards who tucks and runs from conflict. 

OR

2. He is already in a relationship; Either married, engaged or has a girlfriend. Sometimes people have second thoughts, no?


Number two has happened to one of my family members, and I've seen it personally done before first hand.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, for the most part I think in view of the "minor argument", wow my friend is nuts and is totally shaming herself calling this guy. Take her out for drinks and help her find someone else to stalk, problem solved. Repeat as necessary?


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

I found good articles on this subject, just read through it. Lots of it makes sense and yet, still hurts.

The Conversation | Honest Talk with Amanda de CadenetThe Conversation

When a man does a vanishing act | All Women Stalk

When A Great Guy Drops Off the Planet | Dating Without Drama


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

I'll make tea said:


> One of my friends met a guy online, they had fun talking and later she met him in person. The went to the bar and to the movies a few times. They had a minor argument about a little thing.
> 
> Suddenly out of the blue he did not answer his cell phone and did not return her mails after that.
> 
> ...


because sometimes this kind of behaviour is the easiest way to make the women undesrtand that you want nothing to do with them, it may seem cruel, rude and childish but in fact is the quickest way for your friend to move on from a person who in the end realized that he don´t want a realtionship with her.

as someone who dated alot in his 20's (I am 31) let me tell you, sometimes being kind is the worst you can do to them because they interprete it as false hope (I used to do that mistake at the beginning) to be honest with you, you women overthink too much went it come to relationships instead of listening what we are saying.

let me give you the example with myself.

when I was in my 20's I also dated like this, searching girls online and dating, we sometimes went as your friend did to movies or coffes, I am really a sociable guy and if you name a topic I can always talk about it and I don't remember never having a akward slient in this kind of dates, so you can say that from their point of view I pretty much could click with any of this girls.

so in the beginning I tried being a gentleman and cut things amicable, but by doing it this way they keep coming at you, like telling you but we had a such a good time, then lets just be friends etc etc.

I stupidly my firsts times say sure lets be friends (ho innocent me) they didn't wanted friendship.

to make the story short I changed this amicable break ups (with online girls) when one confronted me telling me how cruel I was for keeping her emotionally engaged to me giving her false hopes (when she was the one who proposed being friends after I told her that being a couple was not gonna work with us) she was the one who looked for me, she was the one who sent me messages, and I went along and believed that she wanted to be my friend, she interpreted it as me giving her hopes and being cruel for treating her later like one.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'll make tea said:


> I never heard that this happened to a man dating a girl.


Well then ... I'm happy to correct that.

Happens all the time. People don't like unpleasantry, and they don't like conflict.

I'm presuming based on your description that you are talking about a dating relationship, and a young dating relationship at that, meaning 4 or fewer dates.

I have pretty good date radar. I don't ask for a second date if I get the vibe there is no connection or interest. At which point, I will say, "This was nice, and I'm glad we got to meet, but it doesn't feel like there's a connection." Sometimes they look horrified. Sometimes they look relieved.

But, on several occasions I've had additional dates lined up and she simply falls off the map. The hope is, by their lack of response ... that you will 'get it', and save them the discomfort as CM said, of their having to take ownership of their feelings, or their projection of your feelings.

I think you'd be surprised how many people choose this route. I've had 5 women do this. I may send a single followup text. "Hope all is well, get in touch if you want to reschedule." Usually the only time this happens is during early dates. And as another person pointed out, it is often as simple as they met someone else.

I can also attest to the drama aspect. In one case we never even got to the date. I was corresponding with someone and let her know that respectfully, I wasn't going to be reaching out to her any longer as I had met someone and wanted to see where things went. Wished her the best. She freaked. I answered one ranting email indicating that I was a scum-bag. I ignored the subsequent 10, and then blocked her. Not everyone appreciates honesty.

And THAT, is why people sometimes just drop off the radar. But yes, I can assure you, women absolutely do this too.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

manticore said:


> because sometimes this kind of behaviour is the easiest way to make the women undesrtand that you want nothing to do with them, it may seem cruel, rude and childish but in fact is the quickest way for your friend to move on from a person who in the end realized that he don´t want a realtionship with her.
> 
> *as someone who dated alot in his 20's (I am 31) let me tell you, sometimes being kind is the worst you can do to them because they interprete it as false hope (I used to do that mistake at the beginning) to be honest with you, you women overthink too much went it come to relationships instead of listening what we are saying.*
> 
> ...


Miss Manners calls the NC method of dumping someone as the Kafka Romance Disolver, and _*SHE*_ approves of it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Deejo said:


> *Happens all the time. People don't like unpleasantry, and they don't like conflict.*
> 
> I'm presuming based on your description that you are talking about a dating relationship, and a young dating relationship at that, meaning 4 or fewer dates.
> 
> ...


What a great post Deejo..:smthumbup:... this is the stark reality in the dating world...you try to do the ethical thing and you get lambasted....the reason I feel differently here over many is... I DO appreciate that honesty, even if unpleasant.... your way of handling new dates - has been the most gracious explained here...so I feel....

...I would seriously thank the guy for saying something like this *>> **"This was nice, and I'm glad we got to meet, but it doesn't feel like there's a connection."*- even if I LIKED him, It'd be a let down but that sort of honesty....*I respect*...you know "It's done- another one bites the dust" -move on. You don't spend another wasted night thinking "well I wonder what he was thinking, how he feels"...

And I don't mind uneasy conversations at all (what others are calling conflict).. 

I understand boundaries very well....I would never want to insert myself or irritate someone who wanted me to drop off the tallest cliff, who gave nothing back......not being enjoyed or wanted around is such an "ugly place"...I don't believe in trying to convince someone else we're a good catch...if they can't see "enough" worthy of a 2nd date even.....no text is going to repaint this.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

First 2 sides to every story!! Maybe for him it wasn't a silly little argument and he was thinkging "Chic is crazy geeeeh forget that!", so instead of having long conversations about whatever he just said "Forget that she'll get the point!"


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

My stbxh ended our marriage by pretending I was dead. He did the same to our son. He is a coward. I hope the karma bus runs over him.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Re: What a coward! Why are some men like this?*



SimplyAmorous said:


> What a great post Deejo..:smthumbup:... this is the stark reality in the dating world...you try to do the ethical thing and you get lambasted....the reason I feel differently here over many is... I DO appreciate that honesty, even if unpleasant.... your way of handling new dates - has been the most gracious explained here...so I feel....
> 
> ...I would seriously thank the guy for saying something like this *>> **"This was nice, and I'm glad we got to meet, but it doesn't feel like there's a connection."*- even if I LIKED him, It'd be a let down but that sort of honesty....*I respect*...you know "It's done- another one bites the dust" -move on. You don't spend another wasted night thinking "well I wonder what he was thinking, how he feels"...
> 
> ...


I say this with all due respect SA, I'd definitely ask you on a second date. Mr. SA is the envy of many. Myself included.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

After a few dates, he obviously decided they weren't the right fit and, rather than having to explain or, possibly, hurt her feelings, he simply decided to let things fizzle out. Cowardly, yes, but I think both genders do things like this... 

I know when I was younger I'd probably just be 'busy' every time a guy phoned me for a date - hoping he'd eventually get the message, so I was guilty of cowardice, too, I guess.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Cosmos said:


> After a few dates, he obviously decided they weren't the right fit and, rather than having to explain or, possibly, hurt her feelings, he simply decided to let things fizzle out. Cowardly, yes, but I think both genders do things like this...
> 
> I know when I was younger I'd probably just be 'busy' every time a guy phoned me for a date - hoping he'd eventually get the message, so I was guilty of cowardice, too, I guess.


To be clear, I have no issue with this. I'm not prepared to call it cowardice.

For the overly attached, or invested far too early, those who have little dating experience, or those who take a breakup as a measure of their personal worth ... I get why people would be angry, and think the other person 'cowardly'. 

Once you take a step back and recognize the person dumping you isn't giving you or your feelings a thought, by the time they are ignoring you, they are thinking about themselves only, or someone else. Meanwhile you ruminate about how you feel, how they feel, or what you did wrong, or what they should be doing, then it should be EASIER to see the circumstances for what they are, and just let it go. It's a waste of your emotional energy. Onto the next.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

SaltInWound said:


> My stbxh ended our marriage by pretending I was dead. He did the same to our son. He is a coward. I hope the karma bus runs over him.


Did you read the first post? That's not at all like this casual dating experience the original poster described. It's not apples to apples at all...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I told a guy flat out we weren't going to be dating. He kept texting me, even though I'd told him I don't text when I'm working, and told him I was working when he texted me. 

I told him, please don't contact me any more, and when he persisted I said look, no means no, I asked you not to contact me and you still do, stop!

He then complained to the woman who introduced me and she tried to tell me I was rude and inconsiderate, that he was a nice guy, how wrong I was, blah blah blah. 

Then the clincher....she told me she had dated him for about a year. Nice attempt at pawning him off on me - FAIL!

btw this guy also had ridiculous boundaries when on the date...he was the popcorn guy...the one who deliberately messed with my popcorn after I got him his own on the date and explained to him I preferred to watch the movie uninterrupted and not have to worry about taking turns with the popcorn....not only did he mess with my popcorn that was in my lap, he also interrupted the movie and I had to shush him up - it was a film festival and audience was rating/scoring the films. FAIL. Even worse at a dance hall...wanted me to compliment him on his dancing, all while teaching him and him getting in the way of other couples, stopping abruptly, etc. 

The incessant texting and contacting was just too weird. It was like he was convinced by his lady friend that he was a good catch, therefore anything I said that contradicted what was supposed to happen in his mind, was atrocious behavior, regardless of asking him to stop texting me. 

On the surface, this guy looked "nice" and could even pass for normal...but in a dating situation....CREEPY.

And yes, he posed the whole please don't text me or call me we are not going to date request as a sort of minor issue to his friend, that I was somehow over-reacting to.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

"I never heard that this happened to a man dating a girl."

Don't get around much, do you? It's happened to at least half the single guys out there. They just don't make it a point of crying about it since they don't wish to be branded a "loser" by their male friends.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

I'll make tea said:


> Could be the case.
> 
> Sometimes I am really puzzled by some men's tendency not to talk to anybody about a problem until the figured how to solve it.
> 
> ...


 I am confused Wiltshireman likes this. Want me to perish in an homefire, Wiltshire?

(Still better than when Nsweet liked it when I said I was going to get my nose broken for talking without thinking)


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I'll make tea said:


> Sometimes I am really puzzled by some men's tendency not to talk to anybody about a problem until the figured how to solve it.
> 
> Hubby sometimes tells me "Hurray! I solved the XYZ problem". Well, I did not even know that this problem existed before he told me he fixed it.
> 
> That worries me a lot because one day I might for example die because he did not tell me the house is on fire in order not to scare me.


I think this is the difference between the genders. Women discuss things with others to clarify_ their_ _own thinking _before making a decision. Other women understand that this is what we're doing, but should we do this with men, there's the danger of them jumping in and trying to actually fix things for us!

Maybe this is why men automatically think that talking things over with others equates to wanting others to fix things for them, rather than simply clarifying their own thoughts on the issue?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> ...I would seriously thank the guy for saying something like this *>> **"This was nice, and I'm glad we got to meet, but it doesn't feel like there's a connection."*- even if I LIKED him, It'd be a let down but that sort of honesty....*I respect*...you know "It's done- another one bites the dust" -move on. *You don't spend another wasted night thinking "well I wonder what he was thinking, how he feels"...*
> 
> I understand boundaries very well....I would never want to insert myself or irritate someone who wanted me to drop off the tallest cliff, who gave nothing back......I don't believe in trying to convince someone else we're a good catch...if they can't see "enough" worthy of a 2nd date even.....no text is going to repaint this.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> *I told a guy flat out we weren't going to be dating.* He kept texting me, even though I'd told him I don't text when I'm working, and told him I was working when he texted me.
> 
> I told him, please don't contact me any more, and when he persisted I said look, no means no, I asked you not to contact me and you still do, stop!


This is different and not the same situation as going out with someone and they leave you hanging. You told this guy straight up that you did not want to date him. He had sh!t boundaries. This isn't the same situation as what the OP posted. 

I, like SimplyAmorous, would prefer to be told straight up that someone isn't feeling me/us. Especially if we've gone out 5 or 6 times. To do the GHOST and disappear is cowardly. Especially if they keep sending out feeler messages/texts/phone calls. That is called stringing someone along. 

I personally think that stonewalling someone is one of the worst, rudest things you can do to someone. It's lame. 

I was seeing this one guy and he kept flaking on me and then said how much he missed me/wanted to see me and etc. I told him that I did not think we were a good match and that there would be no point in going out again. It's better to just own things and be honest with people from the get.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I, like SimplyAmorous, prefer to be told straight up that someone isn't feeling me/us. Especially if we've gone out 5 or 6 times. To do the GHOST and disappear is cowardly. Especially if they keep sending out feeling messages/texts/phone calls. That is called stringing someone along.
> 
> I personally think that stonewalling someone is one of the worst, rudest things you can do to someone. It's lame.
> 
> I was seeing this one guy and he kept flaking on me and then said how much he missed me/wanted to see me and etc. I told him that I did not think we were a good match and that there would be no point in going out again. It's better to just own things and be honest with people from the get.


This is the mature approach, and certainly one that I adopted later in life. When I was young, though, I did things a little differently.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Faithful Wife said:


> If you are not in a committed, exclusive relationship with someone, they don't owe you anything. Not even a good-bye.
> 
> That's why you don't bother to invest your heart into a casual dating thing.
> 
> ...


I respectfully disagree.

I think after more than one date, you are owed something. It's not at all difficult to send a text or email saying "this isn't going to work out, but I had a nice time, good luck". If you get a response you don't like, then don't reply. Simple as that.

After a first date, however, I don't think it's necessary, unless the other person asks if you want to go out again - then you can use the above response.

I don't see how not simply saying "this isn't going to work out" makes anything worse. If the person is going to get all weird about it, they will whether or not you make that statement to them.

The fact of the matter is, you look like a jerk if you say nothing at all. If you tell them that one simple statement, THEY might still think you're a jerk, but anybody they ***** to about it will likely roll their eyes and tell them to get over it.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Jellybeans said:


> This is different and not the same situation as going out with someone and they leave you hanging. You told this guy straight up that you did not want to date him. He had sh!t boundaries. This isn't the same situation as what the OP posted.


Yep. If you didn't tell this guy anything at all and just disappeared, the exact same thing would have happened.

There's nothing you can do about those types of people. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Kind of like OP's friend from the sounds of it. Even if the guy told her it wasn't going to happen, she'd still not have dropped it. Just my opinion.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

alexm said:


> I don't see how not simply saying "this isn't going to work out" makes anything worse.


:iagree:


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I'll make tea said:


> I am confused Wiltshireman likes this. Want me to perish in an homefire, Wiltshire?
> 
> (Still better than when Nsweet liked it when I said I was going to get my nose broken for talking without thinking)


I don't think his "like" was in reference to the fire comment, but the parts about men not talking to others.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Why does it have to be spelled out every time. We do not know the circumstances of the breakup or all the facts. Maybe she was a drama queen and the man simply just didn't want to deal with it. Sometimes no contact IS the answer to avoid conflict. Too many crazy people out there. 

Oh and to those people bashing him calling him a coward. Please google the amount of men killed by a raging woman who just got dumped by guys who are not "cowards".


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Sanity said:


> Why does it have to be spelled out every time. We do not know the circumstances of the breakup or all the facts. Maybe she was a drama queen and the man simply just didn't want to deal with it. Sometimes no contact IS the answer to avoid conflict. Too many crazy people out there.
> 
> Oh and to those people bashing him calling him a coward. Please google the amount of men killed by a raging woman who just got dumped by guys who are not "cowards".


I don't think my friend has killed any of her dates so far *lol*. I wonder what type of people you date.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> I don't think his "like" was in reference to the fire comment, but the parts about men not talking to others.


I hope so . Whenever I write something about me dying or getting hurt someone gives it a "like". I am becoming a little paranoid now.

Yes, I hate the fact that men do not talk about problems. How are they supposed to get solved then?
I think women have a right to know about the problems their hubbies have - so they can help.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

I'll make tea said:


> I don't think my friend has killed any of her dates so far *lol*. I wonder what type of people you date.


Fear the quiet ones


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I'll make tea said:


> I am confused Wiltshireman likes this. Want me to perish in an homefire, Wiltshire?
> 
> (Still better than when Nsweet liked it when I said I was going to get my nose broken for talking without thinking)



Don't imagine that your man thinks like you. Men's brains are wired differently and that's a scientific fact. Good men are natural protectors and will take action when it matters. Ever heard of the strong silent type? Your man will most likely talk about something when he thinks its important.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I have an interesting anecdote to share related to this topic.

One of my friends has a wife who, back in her dating days, had a guy who she was really over the moon for. They dated for like a year, then he moved to California. She was making plans to move out there to live with him an suddenly he stopped returning her calls and e-mails (this was in the '90s). She spent weeks trying to find him. She did not know his parents and was unable to get a message to him. 

So she mourned and fumed for years but eventually met my friend and married him in 2000. Then somewhere around three years ago, out of the blue, she ran into a mutual friend of her ex-boyfriend's and they got to chatting up and talking old times. Then they started talking about her ex and the guy says something to the effect "Yeah, that was so sad when he died. Really threw us all for a loop!" 

She freaked and asked the guy what the hell happned. Turns out her ex was gunned down while moving into his new apartment in Riverside just days after moving out there. Apparently the gunman, a drug dealer or something, mistook him for someone else who jilted him on some drug money.

Fvcked up world huh? :scratchhead:


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Fvcked up world huh? :scratchhead:


Yes. What a sad story!


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Enginerd said:


> Don't imagine that your man thinks like you. Men's brains are wired differently and that's a scientific fact. Good men are natural protectors and will take action when it matters. Ever heard of the strong silent type? Your man will most likely talk about something when he thinks its important.


While I appreciate men being protective I think it is good when they talk because husband and wife can solve problems *together* in that case.

Do you all think women are unable to come up with solutions?


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> I have an interesting anecdote to share related to this topic.
> 
> One of my friends has a wife who, back in her dating days, had a guy who she was really over the moon for. They dated for like a year, then he moved to California. She was making plans to move out there to live with him an suddenly he stopped returning her calls and e-mails (this was in the '90s). She spent weeks trying to find him. She did not know his parents and was unable to get a message to him.
> 
> ...


Reminds me of:

“Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.”

The BF wasn't stupid in this story of course, but this woman spent a long time upset and devastated that he had jilted her in this cruel way, when he hadn't done it at all. It can be very dangerous to assume the intentions of other people.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Bandit's story is also a tragic anomaly. 

Usually, when a guy disappears, it's because he isn't interested, not dead.

Usually.


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## Hurtingagain76 (Mar 6, 2017)

YupItsMe said:


> Bull. Enough with the man hating. It happens all the time. Why are some men like this? Because its unpleasant, creates drama with females like your friend that wants to control how other people handle things instead of accept them. No wonder they argues. She is a pain in the ass and because they don't give a ****. He is chasing the next one. Why waste his time on someone that doesn't like taking obvious hints instead of needing a narcissistic ceremony to be told to bug off. Ridiculous. She needs to grow up and move on. Investing energy in those thoughts is silly.


I know this is a very old message string but honestly, a PERSON with MANNERS will do the COURTEOUS and POLITE thing and just simply say, even via text "I'm sorry, but this isn't going to work out for me. Good luck to you." Then they can either ignore or block the number but it is certainly better than Ghosting someone, ESPECIALLY if it's a situation where they have known each other and seem to have been working toward getting to know each other better over more than a month. Try even over 3 months! Then all of a sudden the jerk disappears and thinks he can absolve himself with the fade by shooting a couple of short "Good morning" texts after the last date and then POOF, he is gone?! Not cool, at all! "A coward is the man who awakens a woman's love without any intention of loving her back." (Paraphrasing...) Grow a pair!


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