# Am I being unreasonable/difficult?



## SaraSoreBottom (Jul 3, 2013)

I've been with the man who is now my husband for 13 years now. We just got married last September. We have very few disagreements except for one sore subject- anal sex. He pressures me about having it. 
When we started dating I was up front and told him it was not an option. But as the years passed we discussed it and he convinced me to try it. I agreed to try it but only if he would drop the subject if I decided that I did not enjoy it. So, I tried it and it was very painful. I told him then that I didn't want to do it any more. 
But he continued to make comments and says things "jokingly" to me about it. I have since tried it several times with my husband, several different ways. Most recently the other night. 
I tried to relax. I drank some beers and even took some left over pain pills from a past oral surgery in hopes to make it better/loosen up. The thing is, it's not for lack of trying. I want to make him happy. 
What's wrong with me? Am I being unreasonable or difficult when I tell him honestly that I don't want to do it because it hurts? And how is that my fault? I don't want him to think that I'm trying to withhold this aspect of our sex life but it causes me serious anxiety and physical pain. Please help.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Nice nom de plume, she of the tender derriere.

Tell him to stuff it, so to speak. You gave it the ol' college try and then some, but repeatedly hurting your spouse crosses the line into insensitivity that requires a sharp smack to the side of the head and a line in the sand.

Since you've tried anal I presume that you're a pretty good, game, and giving spouse in the sack. It's OK to have boundaries, especially when physical discomfort is involved.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You tried it for him.....it hurts you. You are not being unreasonable.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Is he going slow, using lots of the right lube and letting you be on top/ set the pace or is he just pounding away because that's what he's seen in internet porn?

Have you tried bearing down during (like you would do when uh, eliminating), having a glass of wine or two, using a desensitizing lube like Anal Ease?

All that said, if he's pressuring you without seeming to care that you're actually in pain that is worrisome.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

That doesn't sound unreasonable to me. You were good to give it a go, I think. I know plenty of women who wouldn't even entertain the subject.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Get a large strap-on dildo and tell him that it's his turn now.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

The DW and I tried it... I thought it rocked, but it hurt her. We don't do it anymore. I can't enjoy something that hurts her. You DEFINATLY NOT unreasonable.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Putting pain aside....mine wouldn't even consider it again - if I didn't ENJOY it... Where as my husband is probably too sensitive - yours is too INSENSITIVE.

You are bonafide *reasonable* here, he would find very few women who would even TRY, you have been over the top gracious - considering.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> What's wrong with me? Am I being unreasonable or difficult when I tell him honestly that I don't want to do it because it hurts? And how is that my fault? I don't want him to think that I'm trying to withhold this aspect of our sex life but it causes me serious anxiety and physical pain. Please help.


There's nothing wrong with you, nor are you unreasonable. Your H is the one who is being unreasonable in expecting you to endure something that is both painful and unpleasant for you.

Tell him that anal sex is no longer even up for discussion and you will not be trying it again. Period.


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## SaraSoreBottom (Jul 3, 2013)

Thank you, all for your kind words & support. I most certainly feel less self conscious about this issue. I may use this thread to prove to him that I don't take this matter lightly. I'm a part time Blogger and I have taken this subject to the interwebs masses before ( on a polling level & not an advisory plane). It bothers me that he dosen't seem to care that he's hurting me in the act. He does catch a bout of guilty feelings afterwards, though. I'm sure its because he can see that I'm slower to move, spend longer in the bathroom, and am in general pain & discomfort for days after. It just doesn't seem to matter how many different ways I say it. He'll drop it for a while & then we are right [email protected] square one. This last time, I told him with brutal honesty that the only reason I followed through with the act was because he was pressuring me so intensely that I felt I had no other recoreurse. I told him that I took a pain pill beforehand & it did not help. He said that I hurt his feelings & again, I was somehow in the wrong. How do I nip this in the bud?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

You tried it.Many women won't do that at all.Not only did you try it but you did so on more than one occasion.
The unreasonable thing is your husband pressuring you to do something that physically hurts you after you already gave it your best shot.
Also,he's doing it wrong.It shouldn't hurt like that.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Buy the largest, scariest dildo you can find. When he approaches you for anal, tell him to flip over and relax.


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

Hey Sarasorebum. Not sure I would end with the dildo idea but it's a start. I would be more inclined to tell him that you fantasise about bondage and you would like to try it on him. When you tie his hand and legs and knees securely, tie a string around his nuts and put a house brick on the other end. dangling off the floor. Then pull out this nice long cane and start with the whacks across the mid section. Really bring out the welts. 

If he complains, tell him you thought he was into pain!


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## thompkevin (Jul 17, 2013)

Well, you tried it. So you are not being unreasonable. If it hurts, you shouldn't have to put up with the pain just so he could be happy.


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

Tie him to the bed, tie him to the bed, tie him to the bed.


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

Anal sex is something other posters have already said needs to be done right. If it isn't, it is always painful. 

The reason men want to try this after a while is twofold. First off, there is a conquer aspect to it because it is that one "off limit" challenge. The second one is curiosity -- What does it feel like, anyway?

If a woman isn't up for it (meaning she is reluctant and feels like it is "bad"), it will most certainly be painful. She will not be able to relax, she will not be prepared (with right lube, etc.) and it will be a negative experience. Not only that, but it could be a dangerous experience (risking injuries, etc.) if the guy doesn't understand that this is actually something that needs to be done delicately.

If a woman is up for trying it, it is best if she leads the experience. Right mood, relaxed, good lube, and she being the one to control entry, depth, etc.

I once heard on a forum that a woman had her best orgasm ever during anal. She was using a vibrating dildo PIV that her partner was controlling. She said they had a simultaneous orgasm like that and she almost passed out it was so intense (because she felt so "full"). She was certainly going to be up for that experience again!

Bottom line (pun intended), if the attitude is already that it is gross, will be painful, don't want to, etc. -- AND the guy doesn't understand that this is a delicate matter and this is not the time to be insensitive -- it will be a negative experience for the woman for sure.

If the couple is well prepared, excited to try it, and the right attitude prevails along with plenty of good lube, control and sensitivity, it will most likely be a pleasurable experience for both partners.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

SaraSoreBottom said:


> He said that I hurt his feelings & again, I was somehow in the wrong. How do I nip this in the bud?


You need to shake the tree. The "bud" sprouted long ago and has grown into a large, annoying branch.

People think they can guilt-trip, shame, and otherwise manipulate you into something you don't want to do. But this emotional abuse is worse than the pain from the anal. 

Almost every man has fantasies he can't act on. Do they harass their wives about letting them boff the babysitter? Tell him this is a boundary he has crossed and he is hurting you maliciously. There has to be a consequence imposed here for already having crossed the line. He has to acknowledge that the emotional abuse is wrong and apologize for it. This is not something you argue about or reason with him. You give him the choice: do it or face the consequences.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

tell him to Fu%% OFF! He should get a boyfriend. To me sex is as good as the pleasure I am delivering, so for him to need this from you is weird to me.
Asking you to try it, even a couple times I can understand, but to treat you this way with the obvious pain it causes you is selfish. I hope this is not his attitude about life in general...


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

eyuop, The reason men want to try this after a while is twofold. First off, there is a conquer aspect to it because it is that one "off limit" challenge. The second one is curiosity -- What does it feel like, anyway?

Crap. The only men who like anal sex is they are gay. That's the only reason he would tell a woman to "Roll over and take it like a man".


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

eyuop said:


> Anal sex is something other posters have already said needs to be done right. If it isn't, it is always painful.
> 
> The reason men want to try this after a while is twofold. First off, there is a conquer aspect to it because it is that one "off limit" challenge. The second one is curiosity -- What does it feel like, anyway?
> 
> ...


I agree, wife was always against it. She had tried it a couple times with a past lover (claimed it was not fun), so of course I wanted to be allowed in as well. (sorry, guy thing, you let him so...) First time she did not like it, so I researched it more and found the way to do it "right" and talked to her about it the next time she asked me what I wanted to try that was not our normal routine. At first she was not wanting to try it and I let it be but the next time she asked I told her the same thing, eventually she allowed me to explain to her about if she is relaxed what the reports are from those woman that enjoy the experience. Now we use it regularly as another form of pleasure and more times than not I use a finger as it is smaller and easier for her but she loves the fullness of the experience. it gives her a great orgasm. There are still days when she just is not relaxed and it starts out uncomfortable and she just tells me nope not today and I move on.

Once the pressure of it was lifted and the method was perfected, she became open to trying it. I let her do it to me as well and think honestly if You aren't into letting her do it than you have a lot of nerve expecting it from her IMO. Same for me, if done right, at the right "relaxed time" it is pretty fun. Communication and mutual respect is key for great sex.


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