# spring cleaning



## thegatewalker (Apr 29, 2012)

last night I told my spouse about my pa with a neighbor that I had while we were living with my family. I didnt tell her about it for like three years and I told her about it last night. We are currently separated. I am not sure if She is willing to work it out. I know she knew about it before i said anything about it to her. I have been telling her bits and peaces for years but I told her the truth. So now she is very pissed at me cant say that i blame her one bit for that. I am making arrangements for us to have counselor both single sessions as well as couples.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

All I can say is good luck. If she does choose to reconcile you better do as much as possible to show remorse. Three years of lies is a tough pill to swallow.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Gate,it pains me to hear this because I've been praying for you guys and know somewhat of the struggles you've both been through in life.Right now the ball is in her court,but if she's willing to go to MC then there is still hope.Also,if there is anything more that she needs to hear then be 100% honest.Just remember that its your actions from here on out that are going to greatly influence her decision.She needs to see change,not hear about it.Keep posting and take care.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

It's good you finally told her the truth, but that is a bitter pill to swallow. Three years of not knowing the full truth, a festering wound, if not always apparently open. A few weeks of lies tore me apart.

Perhaps what she "knew" is different from what she wanted to believe and had accepted. Obviously "knowing" the full truth changed something.

Good luck, you messed up, finally came clean, I hope she has something left to give and you have the strength to make it right.


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## thegatewalker (Apr 29, 2012)

Cabsy said:


> It's good you finally told her the truth, but that is a bitter pill to swallow. Three years of not knowing the full truth, a festering wound, if not always apparently open. A few weeks of lies tore me apart.
> 
> Perhaps what she "knew" is different from what she wanted to believe and had accepted. Obviously "knowing" the full truth changed something.
> 
> Good luck, you messed up, finally came clean, I hope she has something left to give and you have the strength to make it right.


Yea I am glad I came clean. I went to kiss her before i went to work and she said she didn't want to kiss me because i kissed that other girl. I was mad about it but at the same time i do not blame her one bit for that. I hope after some time and work passes that this will get better and become easier to handle for both of us. I know that I messed up and I am not looking for anyone here to give me a way to make it ok like i have seen in many of threads in this section. I am not afraid to own my own crap even though i may end up losing her and my kids.


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## thegatewalker (Apr 29, 2012)

TBT said:


> Gate,it pains me to hear this because I've been praying for you guys and know somewhat of the struggles you've both been through in life.Right now the ball is in her court,but if she's willing to go to MC then there is still hope.Also,if there is anything more that she needs to hear then be 100% honest.Just remember that its your actions from here on out that are going to greatly influence her decision.She needs to see change,not hear about it.Keep posting and take care.


TBT you know something i like about you. you are always in our corner a true friend. thanks


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Whatever you do... BE 10000000000000% honest!

One tiny little lie, or omission, will blow it all to pieces. Even if you think it will hurt her (uh, damage already done), if she tentatively starts to trust you and then finds out you "missed" something, that is soul-shattering. 

Take it from a BW who tried R, only to find out my stbxh was not answering my questions honestly, or should I say, I was not "wording them correctly", thus giving his twisted sense of rationalization the idea that he only had to answer the question ONLY as I had asked it. 

Trickle truth is a killer. No doubt!


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Trickle Truth is a killer! I agree!!!


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> All I can say is good luck. If she does choose to reconcile you better do as much as possible to show remorse. Three years of lies is a tough pill to swallow.


:iagree:


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Any news gate? Made any headway as far as IC/MC or is it too late?


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Bride of Frank said:


> Nope, wrong. This line of thinking makes me very angry -- I'd call you names but it's not worth getting banned over. My WH and his AP told each other that _I_ knew, too. But that was complete fantasy in their heads; they convinced each other of this to make themselves feel less guilty. Think about it -- if you truly deep down believed that she knew, you wouldn't have taken 3 years to confess, would you? You'd have been talking about it all along, since what would there be to hide? Plus, if she'd known already, she wouldn't have had any new or different reaction to you bringing it up this week, would she? She wouldn't have waited till NOW to be pee'd at you. See what I mean?
> 
> That is just a fiction you told yourself. Do you honestly believe that if she knew, she'd have been ok with it and said nothing? For years? REALLY? No. She loved you and it never crossed her mind that you could actually do anything like that.


I can actually believe it. I am a BS and "knew" something was up too. I knew about my husband's porn addiction, and I knew he had gone to strip clubs before during our marriage, so when he got a new, cushy job that had him traveling a lot and staying out of town on many nights, I "knew" it would be a matter of time before another woman came along. I used to even joke about his "girlfriend in the other city". 

Many BSs do have some level of denial going on, and I include myself in that. Oftentimes, we know we don't have enough proof, so we weigh up the consequences of accusations/walking away vs. maintaining the status quo.

His wife may well have "known" (instinct) but what was lacking was confirmation. 

Suspicions are one thing, confirmation is a punch to the face!


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

thegatewalker said:


> last night I told my spouse about my pa with a neighbor that I had while we were living with my family. I didnt tell her about it for like three years and I told her about it last night. We are currently separated. I am not sure if She is willing to work it out. I know she knew about it before i said anything about it to her. *I have been telling her bits and peaces for years but I told her the truth.* So now she is very pissed at me cant say that i blame her one bit for that. I am making arrangements for us to have counselor both single sessions as well as couples.


Just noticed this. Makes some sense.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. Poor Gaia.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> Trickle Truth is a killer! I agree!!!


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Wow. Poor Gaia.


:iagree: "Wow" is right. That girl has put up with, lived in, and went through h#ll all this time, while he was out porking the neighbor for the last 3 years! :wtf: 

All the crap she put up with, with his family..........I'm just speechless. 

I truly hope Gaia is ok, and the kids. I hope they are in a safe place.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Me too, SW.

This really....wow. Yea. OP, I'm glad you guys are separated. All this time she's wanted to MARRY YOU and you're banging the neighbor.

Whoa.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Folks, I think the PA was in the past.

He's just lied about it for the last 3 years and TT a bit.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

thegatewalker said:


> Yea* I am glad* I came clean. I went to kiss her before i went to work and she said she didn't want to kiss me because i kissed that other girl. *I was mad* about it


Say what? What gives you the right to be mad at the spouse you cheated on showing she is hurt? 

You made YOURSELF feel good by telling her, yet condemn her feelings?


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I don't even know what to say and I lost Gaia's number with my new phone...so now I cannot comfort her. This really makes me sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Folks, I think the PA was in the past.
> 
> He's just lied about it for the last 3 years and TT a bit.


It was in the past.

Doesn't make it less damaging. Especially with all the emotional shet Gaia's been through and how much emotional intimacy she wanted from her him.

The lying and the TT just make it WORSE, imo.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

that_girl said:


> It was in the past.
> 
> Doesn't make it less damaging. Especially with all the emotional shet Gaia's been through and how much emotional intimacy she wanted from her him.
> 
> The lying and the TT just make it WORSE, imo.


100% agree.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

that_girl said:


> It was in the past.
> 
> Doesn't make it less damaging. Especially with all the emotional shet Gaia's been through and how much emotional intimacy she wanted from her him.
> 
> The lying and the TT just make it WORSE, imo.


Also agree 100%.
Now... don't confuse it with 3 years of false R.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Omg. Yes. Man. After JUST GOING through false R (probably with cheating but who knows), I just want to crack a beer with her and let her vent.

Nothing worse than lies. NOTHING worse than lies. ESPECIALLY from the person who is supposed to be "on your side" and whatnot.

I wouldn't kiss you either, Gate. Seriously.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

To be honest, it worries me that you EXPECTED a kiss from her after telling her that. Who does that?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Is that why you made her stay in that place? Losing her mind....venting on here....I dunno.

Whoa.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

thegatewalker said:


> I know that I messed up and I am not looking for anyone here to give me a way to make it ok like i have seen in many of threads in this section.


So you just want a barracking rather than constructive helpful advice?



thegatewalker said:


> I am not afraid to own my own crap even though i may end up losing her and my kids.


Really? Suddenly you are not afraid after spending the last 3 years afraid to own your own crap?

This sounds to me like a thread that is being written for your wife to read. 'Look wife, I am asking for help, I own my own crap...' Hmmmmm


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## thegatewalker (Apr 29, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Folks, I think the PA was in the past.
> 
> He's just lied about it for the last 3 years and TT a bit.


yes I lied about it for three years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thegatewalker (Apr 29, 2012)

turnera said:


> Say what? What gives you the right to be mad at the spouse you cheated on showing she is hurt?
> 
> You made YOURSELF feel good by telling her, yet condemn her feelings?


No I wasnt tring to come across like that like stated in that post I dont blame her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yet you were upset with her.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Bride of Frank said:


> I'd call you names but it's not worth getting banned over. .


I've done quite alot of that lately to his face so i have that covered darling.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

turnera said:


> Say what? What gives you the right to be mad at the spouse you cheated on showing she is hurt?
> 
> *I don't quite think he is mad because i showed i am hurt. I think he was just mad at himself. *
> 
> You made YOURSELF feel good by telling her, yet condemn her feelings?


I am not so sure that is the case....



that_girl said:


> It was in the past.
> 
> Doesn't make it less damaging. Especially with all the emotional shet Gaia's been through and how much emotional intimacy she wanted from her him.
> 
> The lying and the TT just make it WORSE, imo.


Indeed it did make it worse...



turnera said:


> To be honest, it worries me that you EXPECTED a kiss from her after telling her that. Who does that?


Keep in mind... he is schizophrenic so his train of thought doesn't quite operate the same way as most people. I don't believe he meant any harm in it really.... and can you truly blame him for attempting to make amends?



that_girl said:


> Is that why you made her stay in that place? Losing her mind....venting on here....I dunno.
> 
> Whoa.


Just to set the record straight... he didn't make me stay anywhere. I chose to. 



Remains said:


> So you just want a barracking rather than constructive helpful advice?
> 
> *Not sure about this right here.... has me a tad curious as well.... *
> 
> ...


I sure hope it wasn't just for that reason.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Gaia, how did I miss that he was schizophrenic? Sorry for not getting it straight. 

I don't blame him for trying to make amends; I was amiss at the way HE was upset that YOU weren't making HIM feel better.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

I get the impression that there is a calculus involved that calls for an oscillating equilibrium of drama. It can't conscience a period of calm.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

turnera said:


> Gaia, how did I miss that he was schizophrenic? Sorry for not getting it straight.
> 
> I don't blame him for trying to make amends; I was amiss at the way HE was upset that YOU weren't making HIM feel better.


I don't think he realizes how narcissistic he can appear sometimes.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> I get the impression that there is a calculus involved that calls for an oscillating equilibrium of drama. It can't conscience a period of calm.


And what gave you this impression?


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