# Should i confront my wife without proof yet...



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

I started a new thread because i would like opinions on if i should confront her without proof yet. I am in the beginning process of trying to get proof via GPS/VAR. So if i go a month and still no proof should i ask her. I have that gut feeling she did or still is seeing a neighbor.
Has anyone ever confronted their spouse with no proof and gotten an answer? Also, i would surprise her with the question and look for signs of lying which i've been reading up on.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I would assume that the success rate would be very low on this tactic

in most cases it tips them off that you are onto them


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Even with proof the lies keep right on rolling out of their mouths


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

:iagree:

Does she use a big purse? I've read in another thread you might be able to place a VAR inside of it, if it has a secret spot or inside its inner lining.


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## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

jerry123 said:


> I started a new thread because i would like opinions on if i should confront her without proof yet. I am in the beginning process of trying to get proof via GPS/VAR. So if i go a month and still no proof should i ask her. I have that gut feeling she did or still is seeing a neighbor.
> Has anyone ever confronted their spouse with no proof and gotten an answer? Also, i would surprise her with the question and look for signs of lying which i've been reading up on.


I guess it all depends on whether or not you want to know the truth. If you do, then whatever else you do, do *NOT* confront her without evidence. All she will do is deny, lie, and gaslight. 

Bottom line -- if you want to know the full truth, you will *NEVER* get it from her -- *NEVER* --.....*EVER*..... you will have to find it yourself using independent means [period full stop].


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Be on firm ground to confront, hard cold evidence is required for this especialy as it won't only be your wife you will have to deal with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

keko said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Does she use a big purse? I've read in another thread you might be able to place a VAR inside of it, if it has a secret spot or inside its inner lining.



No big purse, VAR and GPS is hidden in car...


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Confronting w/out any evidence would either have her build resenment towards you or push the affair deeper underground.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jerry,

Wait for hard evidence.

They may suspect that you know and have cooled it a bit. They'll eventually re-start.

While I know he's a neighbor, you may still want to get a key logger too since they may be communicating that way now too

Did you ever look at the cell phone bills?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Jerry, different question. Do you have a big birthday coming up?

I ask this because going back and reading through your posts, it looks like your W and this neighbor are hiding something, yet you haven't found any hard evidence yet that they are getting it on, so to speak. Could they be planning a surprise party?

I know that isn't likely, but I thought I would bring that up, just in case.

In the absence of that, I think you need to keep digging before you say anything to her. You have nothing tangible yet.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Dont make that mistake.
Already, ie. without confrontation, she may be aware that you are observing...


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## harpongs (Apr 10, 2012)

If she's having an affair and you ask her, why would she admit it?

If she's having an affair, she's deceitful, deceptive, dishonest and doesn't care about you one bit.

Therefore it makes no sense that she'll turn around and say "yes dear I am screwing Joe neighbor, what else would you like to know".

The only reason a person admits an affair is if a) they are overcome with guilt and remorse, in which case they'll admit it without prompting or b) they get caught with indisputable evidence and further lies are pointless or c) they want out of the marriage.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Irrefutable evidence gives you the upper hand. It's the only way to get to the truth.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

Absolutely DO NOT confront without solid evidence. No exceptions.

You got to calm down and be patient. Treat it like a strategy game - you're playing to win in the long term (getting the truth, whatever it is). If you make an impulsive move now, you'll lose a lot of ground in the bigger picture.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Anubis said:


> Absolutely DO NOT confront without solid evidence. No exceptions.
> 
> You got to calm down and be patient. Treat it like a strategy game - you're playing to win in the long term (getting the truth, whatever it is). If you make an impulsive move now, you'll lose a lot of ground in the bigger picture.


:iagree:

Without evidence, you're just going to get the "he's just a friend" speech, and she will just gas light you (you're made to feel crazy). Then alerted to the fact that she thinks you're on to her, she will take it further underground. This is the standard script.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> Even with proof the lies keep right on rolling out of their mouths


This is so true.

People who cheat, have affairs, think it is ok, they are not trustworthy, there4 it is a given that they lie, there4 u will NOT get the truth. Only way is to force their hand, and that can only be gained by having unequivocal proof (even then, if it is proof that they can lie their way out of, they will). No other way than practically catching them in the act. Either that or having enough proof for your own peace of mind and then making your decisions based on that. NOT on what they tell you.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Yes you need solid proof. The GPS and VAR are important but I would add a key logger. My wife also created to email accounts for email and IM chats that I knew nothing about.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Jerry,
> 
> Wait for hard evidence.
> 
> ...


Her cell is for work, so they pay the bill and i can never see call/texts.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Jerry, different question. Do you have a big birthday coming up?
> 
> I ask this because going back and reading through your posts, it looks like your W and this neighbor are hiding something, yet you haven't found any hard evidence yet that they are getting it on, so to speak. Could they be planning a surprise party?
> 
> ...


No birthday till later in year...


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Anubis said:


> Absolutely DO NOT confront without solid evidence. No exceptions.
> 
> You got to calm down and be patient. Treat it like a strategy game - you're playing to win in the long term (getting the truth, whatever it is). If you make an impulsive move now, you'll lose a lot of ground in the bigger picture.


OK, i've calmed down. But as many of you know it hurts in the pit of my stomach. I will keep tabs by VAR and GPS. Like many of you have said, they will screw up. It's just a matter of when.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

jerry123 said:


> OK, i've calmed down. But as many of you know it hurts in the pit of my stomach. I will keep tabs by VAR and GPS. *Like many of you have said, they will screw up. It's just a matter of when*.


There are some red flags but you don't know for sure what degree their relationship is at. You're building anger towards your wife and what if there is no affair? You might want to cool yourself a bit.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I agree with the rest with some thoughts. In 2010 my wife had a sexual EA online. I had all kinds of evidence. She denied it even with the evidence. I had to sit her down and show her, walk through it, read it to her, explain it to her. Call it fog or whatever. She never came clean on anything unless I had the proof. There were phone records where they talked. It went like this. Did you talk to the OM on the phone? Her - no. The next day . did you two ever talk on the phone. Her - no, never. The third day - did you ever talk to the OM on the phone? Did he call you? Did you call him? Her - I told you three times now, NO!. I showed her the phone record. Her - Oh, yea we talked he just wanted to hear my voice and hear what I sounded like. This went on for everything. Thousands of texts, some till 5:35 A.M. and then starting up again at 7:05 A.M. etc. In 2010 she never ever came clean on anything without proof and then she rug swept it. My counselor told me then that she would do it again and if the guy ws local she would go physical. My wife and I talked about it about a dozen times. She said it would never happen. Within a year it did happen as my counselor told me it would.

In July 2011 I knew she was involved with a new guy online. If I would have had the evidence I could have prevented it from going physical but I had nothing hard. And she would have stonewalled me.

When I got the evidence this time she finally broke. It was worse than 2010 because it was a PA. But this time she has basically told me most of it.

All I am saying is what others are saying. And if your wife is anything like mine she will deny, deny, deny. And if you do not have evidence you will look like a fool in her eyes, because in her mind she will think she got over on you.

Get the evidence.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

mahike said:


> Yes you need solid proof. The GPS and VAR are important but I would add a key logger. My wife also created to email accounts for email and IM chats that I knew nothing about.


:iagree:

My fWW created a secret facebook and skype accounts. Fortunately for me, she was careless enough to use her known work email addy for her secret facebook account, otherwise I would never have found out.

There's good monitoring programs like Spector Pro, Web Watcher, Spy Agent, etc. I personally use Spy Agent, but its very difficult to for beginners to use. You have to set your virus scanner to exclude certain files in order for your program to not be detected and remain stealthy. To this day, my fWW doesn't know that I've installed anything. She just thinks I'm good with computers and can find out anything. 

Ok, that's it. I'm done typing today, my arm's hurting again. I'll just have to use the stylus for my smartphone.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

oh, keylogger does me no good. She is rarely if never on home PC. She has a blackberry and uses her work computer. More than likely she is texting from blackberry. I need to figure out how to get to texts on her phone. I have iphone but her blackberry is so much different.


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## harpongs (Apr 10, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> She never came clean on anything unless I had the proof... In 2010 she never ever came clean on anything without proof and then she rug swept it. My counselor told me then that she would do it again and if the guy ws local she would go physical. My wife and I talked about it about a dozen times. She said it would never happen. Within a year it did happen ..
> In July 2011 I knew she was involved with a new guy online. If I would have had the evidence I could have prevented it from going physical ..
> When I got the evidence this time she finally broke. It was worse than 2010 because it was a PA. But this time she has basically told me most of it.


See I don't get it. I'm relatively new here but I have read stories like this all over the forum.

Years and years of EA and PA, lies, denials, etc even with solid proof. 

Yet you stick around continuing to confront her with hard evidence as she continues to cheat with at least 2 other guys, probably more.

Why would anyone put up with this?

Why bother compiling proof in the first place?

Once YOU know your partner is cheating, and they aren't coming clean about it, whats the point of doing anything other ending the relationship? 

It's obviously over, it's been over since the day they decided to get it elsewhere and not feel remorseful about it.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

harpongs said:


> See I don't get it. I'm relatively new here but I have read stories like this all over the forum.
> 
> Years and years of EA and PA, lies, denials, etc even with solid proof.
> 
> ...



I hear you 100%, since every person is different you just don't know if they would cheat again. In my case, if i do find out and decide to try and make it work again who knows if she will do it again. You just don't know...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

jerry123 said:


> oh, keylogger does me no good. She is rarely if never on home PC. She has a blackberry and uses her work computer. More than likely she is texting from blackberry. I need to figure out how to get to texts on her phone. I have iphone but her blackberry is so much different.


IF you can get a hold of the blackberry and IF its not password locked, then download and install Blackberry Desktop Manager and back it up. Then use ABC Amber Blackberry converter to decode the back up file.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> IF you can get a hold of the blackberry and IF its not password locked, then download and install Blackberry Desktop Manager and back it up. Then use ABC Amber Blackberry converter to decode the back up file.


Yep if you can get a hold of her blackberry for about an hour you can have everything. Contacts, messages, emails and photos. 

If you have the money getting a PI to follow her for a couple of days is not a bad idea.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

harpongs said:


> See I don't get it. I'm relatively new here but I have read stories like this all over the forum.
> 
> Years and years of EA and PA, lies, denials, etc even with solid proof.
> 
> ...


I think this is a great point, but the lines are VERY grey on this. There is a point when yes, there is no point other than ending it. But that line is different for everyone, and it moves constantly.

As a BS for me, that line would be sex. Any sex by my W with anyone else and it would be adios. But emotional stuff can really get to an addicting stage, and hard to break. Once broken, you can have a great marriage again. Sure, there is a point even with the EA stuff where you are just chasing a dead fish, but good people who value their marriage at least try for a while.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

A therapist gave me good advice on the confrontation question. I suspected an affair had happened but had ended already. In that scenario the therapist suggested _asking_ not _accusing_. I sat her down and said that some things had been bothering me which I needed to clear up. I asked her if there had ever been any affairs, physical or emotional, during our marriage. Of course she denied, so then I said that I needed to then understand some of the things which had prompted me to ask that question. I asked her about the several red flags.

The therapist made a good point, which was once the affair is over there will be no new evidence to stumble upon. In other words, asking her is the last chance to get an answer. Either she will or won't be honest, but at least I could look her in the eye as she answered all of my questions and concerns.

If you think the affair is ongoing, DO NOT hint that you have any suspicions. But if you believe any affair is ended, go ahead and ask.




harpongs said:


> Why bother compiling proof in the first place?
> 
> Once YOU know your partner is cheating, and they aren't coming clean about it, whats the point of doing anything other ending the relationship?


True. Once we know in our heart, we know enough. The only reason to gather proof is if there is doubt of the affair and we want to be sure before pulling the plug. Or if there is a legal advantage to having embarrassing proof.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

harpongs said:


> See I don't get it. I'm relatively new here but I have read stories like this all over the forum.
> 
> Years and years of EA and PA, lies, denials, etc even with solid proof.
> 
> ...


Because 20 years later my wife Morrigan and I have a marriage that is fantastic in every way. Reconciliation is very possible.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Get the evidence Jerry, or confront and demand a polygraph. just say F the not trusting you, reassure me if you LOVE ME.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

how about you tell her you want to buy a blackberry and would like to see how good is it by trying on her phone? Firstly, see if she is letting you see the phone? I don't know if this will work for you, but will work for me well.


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## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

Can blackberry desktop manager retrieve deleted texts? Because surely the WS is deleting the texts...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying to heal (Jan 25, 2012)

Well, with my stbxw even with the proof ( and I had a ton of it) she made up more lies and still wouldn't admit it. And this was transcripts verbatim from her conversations with the slime scumbag. She even went as far to say I was making the proof up or modifying the evidence just to be mean. WTF?! I mean come on, get everything you can. My W is so delusional she can't even admit the truth and will never come clean. That's the thing with liars. They will justify everything and still not admit it.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

jerry123 said:


> I hear you 100%, since every person is different you just don't know if they would cheat again. In my case, if i do find out and decide to try and make it work again who knows if she will do it again. You just don't know...


Repeating something with the expectation of a different outcome seems like a really bad way to go. I'm not saying it's not possible, but the odds are stacked and not in your favor.

I've wondered if my suddent divorce proceedings are the cause of another man.

You just can't be sure but expecting things to change if they cannot be honest is crazy. I'm going to really watch things right now and see if my wife is doing things that appear to be suspicious to me. It's not really any better knowing but might help in getting over them.

Do what makes you feel ok but the reality is intuition is there for a reason. We feel these things because through marriage you learn someone front to back. You notice out of the ordinary signs and honestly we usually ignore them because we are scared. 

Hope everyone here heals and knows they are worth more than to be direspected like that.


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