# Need help preparing for marriage counseling.



## Biscuits (Aug 2, 2012)

Details first; wife had an affair, wants to mend the marriage, the only reason I have gotten so far is "because he was there". I have read a lot of posts regarding the discussion of why the affair happened, I cant prevent "because he was there" in the future.
So, were scheduled to sit with a counselor. How should I posture my side of the discussion to figure out why she had the affair, or find a reason why she has no respect for our marriage? Im focusing on counseling at this point, not the back story...moving forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Biscuits said:


> Details first; wife had an affair, wants to mend the marriage, the only reason I have gotten so far is "because he was there". I have read a lot of posts regarding the discussion of why the affair happened, I cant prevent "because he was there" in the future.
> So, were scheduled to sit with a counselor. How should I posture my side of the discussion to figure out why she had the affair, or find a reason why she has no respect for our marriage? Im focusing on counseling at this point, not the back story...moving forward.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I hope I'm not missing your point about moving forward. I have been through MC, twice, where the counselling only focussed on moving forward. Usually the focus was on communication and how to talk with each other. The problem was - it never addressed my stbxw's choice to cheat and then lie about it. 

I have very strong opinions that a marriage cannot reconcile until the past mistakes are acknowledged. Anything else is really rug sweeping. If your MC is avoiding the cheating/lying aspect of your wife's affair then I think you would be putting a true reconciliation at risk. 

Having said that - for counselling - you need to be open to discussing how your marriage got to a point where one or both of you were unhappy enough to look outside of the marriage. THIS is where you both need to work going forward. THAT is the shared responsibility. Then you need to address your wife's decision to cheat behind your back rather than work on the marriage. It's a character failing, it's abusive, and it was 100% her decision. She needs to acknowledge this and work on the character flaws which allowed her to do it.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Biscuits,

I don't want to sound negative about MC. I think MC is a good idea... However I agree with Cedarman... MC will NOT work if you two are not on the same page.

You first need full disclosure of every detail you can get from her. If she lies to you, omits any truth, does not confess every detail, she is hiding things and the trickle truth will kill your marriage as surely as if she continued cheating.

Before you go to MC, get the full truth of everything she did... Document it. Get text records, phone logs etc... Once you have everything then you can go to MC.

The problem I see too often, is the WS wants to justify their cheating to the MC and this will NEVER work. The MC usually takes the side of the stronger person in the room. It doesn't matter right or wrong. A lot of MC just blow... My first was awful. I refused to go back to her, she was all about my wife feeling good...

MC is not a game where you try to out maneuver your opponent. You want the straight truth. You need all the facts on the table. Then you go from there.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

In almost every situation I recommend that both parties commit to a few sessions of IC before trying to go the MC route. 

All that being said, is her affair over? Did she go NC with the OM formally, as in NC letter? Has she offered 100% transparency and have you done your due diligence to make sure she is not underground with the A?

MC can be a very good way for a cheating spouse to distract the BS while the A goes underground. 

The answer she gave you "because he was there" is a very shallow one. She needs to explore the reasons behind her affair in IC before attempting to "mend" the marriage.

In most cases there is no mending to be done. To have a successful R both parties have to acknowledge that the old marriage is dead, and they are starting a new one based on healthy boundaries and respect. 

Also, you will not be able to move forward without understanding what happened, as you said yourself, you cant fix "because he was there."


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Biscuits

Did your wife have the baby?

Was it a boy or a girl?

Did you do a paternity text?

Is your wife remorseful t all?

Is your wife in any contact with the OM?

HM64


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## Biscuits (Aug 2, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Biscuits
> 
> Did your wife have the baby?
> 
> ...


She had the baby, I won't go into details. It's my child. The NC was sent, the OM sent an inquisitive reply and all she said was "you got what you wanted", I don't know if that means a booty call or something else.
Moving on, I need to get into counseling, both IC and MC. I need IC to deal with my emotional concerns as well as the sexual inhibitions I have now in the marriage, and I need MC because I have no idea what or why this happened. I have done nothing but think of possible reasons that she would do this, all of them would cause me to ponder a D. But, I want my wife to be open and upfront about the reasons, regardless of the imposed pain to me and the marriage. I can't focus on true recon with the excuse that he just happened to get into her cookie jar that night because she didn't feel like saying no. I'm not worried about her having feelings for him, or being sexually addicted to him, that's something that two mature, married, loving people in a marriage can understand and overcome. I have a very hard time accepting the fac that if she did cheat on me simply because he was ready and there, then how can i prevent that from happenning in the future without violating all the principles of trust and love in a marriage. I want to get past it and start our new marriage, but this "he was just there" reason is sucking every ounce of compassion and love out of me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Congratulations. You are a Dad. I have three girls. And I am truly sorry her infidelity is overshadowing what should be an awesome time for both of you.

And I hope you tell her just that.

You should be open. You should tell her what is sucking the life out if you.

And I am glad to see that you love her and do not want to divorce.

Now get her to face what she did. Ask her why. And do not accept any BS answers. 

You deserve the truth and she needs to find the truth so this crap does not happen again.

Be strong. Have faith. And the key is to get her to be honest with you and herself.

Glad you are home by the way.....


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Our MC was an unmitigated disaster. It transpired that the counsellor was a man hating whatever just interested in getting our relationship back on track and finding out what I did to "make" my wife have an affair.

Do not accept anything less than *your* agenda. If the counsellor tries to divert things, then walk away.

Our MC darn near broke me and left me feeling as low as I have *ever* felt.

Thank goodness I had started, just the week before, seeing a good, honest, IC counsellor. Without that I don't know what would have happened.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Excellent points and advice Chris.

Regret's and my first MC...wowza...this is an actual part of our therapy. And the one where we decided not to go back to her!

MC: So, you contacted his wife to tell her of the affair? Why? So you could stick it to him?
Me: Ummm...he'd been sticking it to Regret for 5 f'ng years! But I contacted her to tell her what a scumbag she was married to.
MC: Well, that's not a very nice thing to do when trying to get your marriage back.
Me: (dumbfounded look of utter amazement)

We both walked out and actually Regret was the one who said, "Well, I'd say that's the last time we see her ever!"

I'm lucky, though...Regret has been fully understanding of the depth of her betrayal. She understands what I need to work on reconciliation. This sh-t ain't for the feint at heart.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Chris989 said:


> Our MC was an unmitigated disaster. It transpired that the counsellor was a man hating whatever just interested in getting our relationship back on track and finding out what I did to "make" my wife have an affair.
> 
> Do not accept anything less than *your* agenda. If the counsellor tries to divert things, then walk away.
> 
> ...


I can't quite agree with this.

The "agenda" you have to go into marriage counseling with needs to cover everyone's needs, not just yours. You have to be prepared for your wife to abandon the "because he was there" excuse and her begin listing all the issues she has with you. There are usually two sides to these problems and you have to face the issues that you have caused in the marriage.

Also, my wife's "agenda" was for me to pay $250/hour to have TWO women (her and the marriage counselor) tell me what an a-hole I was. Turns out the marriage counselor started pointing out the issues my wife had, not just mine.

We've been to two marriage counselors. Both were females because I didn't want my wife saying, if we went to a male, that he was siding with me because he was a male.

Your "agenda" should be a list of thing s you want to get out of counseling. When I went, I had 5 items I wanted addressed, including a deadline for making progress. Everyone agreed to those items, my wife had a few, and by reviewing those lists we kept the counseling on track.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> I can't quite agree with this.
> 
> The "agenda" you have to go into marriage counseling with needs to cover everyone's needs, not just yours. You have to be prepared for your wife to abandon the "because he was there" excuse and her begin listing all the issues she has with you. There are usually two sides to these problems and you have to face the issues that you have caused in the marriage.
> 
> ...


I don't want to threadjack, but I feel this is relevant.

Our first MC also began to explore various things and I would comment to my family that she was good as she would pull my stbxw up about her selfishness and lack of empathy.

I did keep expressing my discomfort that we seemed to be ignoring the affair and instead, concentrating on just relationship issues. The counsellor would nod sagely and assure me that we would "get to that".

Looking back, I was going through an emotional trauma at the time and I was in deep shock so did not see what was happening.

The "lists" you talk about sound remarkably akin to what I meant by "agenda" so perhaps that is a semantic issue.

Of course, marriage is a 2 way street, but before fixing the marriage, you must perhaps fix the damage done.

I think of it like a sinking ship. You need to cast off the weight of the affair, repair the massive rip it made in the hull and then - and only then - can you begin to work on the other points that water is seeping in through; and these can sometimes be big holes in and of themselves.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Make no mistake. An Affair is a trauma to the BS. Any counselor worth their weight knows this.

You can't and shouldn't just rugsweep traumas that happen in your life.

You need to deal with them. So yes, you need your answers and before moving forward you need to deal with the past.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Your answer to her He was there.

I don't need to be here.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

MC is helpful. I have been doing IC for 5 or 6 months and we have gone to MC a few times. 

I HATED it and still don't want to go but every time I leave his office, I feel better for a good while.


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## Biscuits (Aug 2, 2012)

I'm going to IC even if we go to MC. A few issues I have with the whole situation is as follows.
She is attempting vehemently to keep me from telling or seeking advice from ANY member of her family, saying privacy in this matter is her most important priority. That's rather funny because 4 months before we we're married (2 months before her affair, that I know of) her siblings told me to be careful with her. Both of them said I was the best guy she had ever been with, they both loved my personality, and they could tell the type of man I was, and I quote "don't believe her about the reason her and her ex broke up, she sleeps around". I nudged it off, blinded by love, but I already knew I was in trouble because she never stopped contacting her ex. Shortly after her siblings advice, I gave the ultimatum that she go back to him and drop me, or drop him and be with me. She chose to be with me, (and hence was sleeping with her ex 2 months later, that I know of, unbeknownst to me) and I blindly again moved forward with my life and love.

The most troubling aspect of all of this is how the affair came about. Sparing the long story for a shortened version, she created an arguement, so I "kicked her out" and she met her ex at a hotel, all of it pre-planned. Thinking back, we had 3 arguements where she was "kicked out", even with me sitting there at the edge of the couch trying to get her to look my in the eye (obvious why she didn't now) and asking her what I could do to fix our relationships. I had no idea that sex without me as a participant is what she needed, but of course she can't tell me that.

So, I assume there will be plenty of her blaming me for this and OM giving her that. My focus and concern will be to get her to actually open up and give me a logical reason for why she needed the OM. At this point the reason she is sticking to is just "because he was there", and no matter how bad of a partner I have been, I can't prevent "because he was there". 
I also find it odd that if a women cheats, it's usually because her man is a jerk. If a man cheats, it's usually because he's a jerk. What?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Biscuits (Aug 2, 2012)

Satya said:


> Ecohing what others have said - you can't begin the healing process until you know the true depth of the hurt.


I got trickle truth, as I was preparing for a deployment to Afghanistan. I was boots on ground for about a month and it just ate at me so much, at that point the trickle truth was at...they met, but sat in her car talking for a few hours, he left and she went to the room and slept until coming back to the apartment the next day. So, I basically said she could give me the truth, or I would divorce her, and that wasn't a threat. So she confessed to having consentual, unprotected, guilt free, emotionless sex with her ex, she didn't kiss, hug, touch him at any point. She said that they met, talked, she fell asleep and woke up with him inside her. She admitted to drinking, and said some of the night was a blur because of it. The only problem with that was I saw the messages from her to him, and they weren't directed at..."come meet me at the hotel and then watch me pass out" if you know what I mean. After I found the messages, I confronted her, but there was always something more pressing or urgent that kept her from talking about it. During the pregnancy it was the baby, stress, other things I couldn't be a part of as she went to the doctors to get checked out.
Now, in light of all of this I kept telling her 1 thing, I need a reason. If you still love him, that's fine. If he is better in bed than me, that's fine. If it's just the fact that you don't want to be in a relationship, that's fine. But i need something, i can't fix the problem if I don't know what the problem is. She rebutted at first saying that what happened was none of my business, because after all, I had kicked her out and she wouldn't have been in the hotel if I loved her, wouldn't have had to call him if I loved her, wouldn't have had the desire if I loved her. Of course all of that changed when I found the messages setting the date up before we even argued. Then it went from me being an ***hole, to him "just being there". So, of course I pressed the issue. He was there because she wanted him to be, not because I pushed her into it. However, to this day, all I have gotten is this lame excuse from her. She was remorseful at first, but only because she had gotten caught. After I got hurt and came home, every time I tried to talk about it, it led to her saying, "You've had plenty of time to get over it", and she would just get more upset at me. so, that has led to me not trusting her AT ALL. She said she wanted to fix it, but then changed her facebook and e-mail passwords. So, we're newly weds, with a newborn, and I can't talk to her for more than 5 inutes without her saying something that makes me suspicious, but of course she wants transperancy, that's why I had to give up my facebook and e-mail passwords to her. It's gotten so bad I deleted my facebook account because she was just so nosey about my business. But she acts like I'm committing some aggregious sin when I ask her to delete the pics of her ex off facebook. Ok, now I'M just ranting.
What, if any, advice does anybody have for someone in my situation. I want to reconcile, but my WW is only in it for the security of marriage. I DON'T FEEL ANY REAL LOVE FROM HER.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You can't feel some thing that is not there.
You're both marking time waiting for the inevitable. Why?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

That is a trainwreck. She obviously doesn't respect you and you can't force someone to love you or want to be with you. I see your join date is August 2012. Not sure how much you frequent CIW section but if you have surely you must realize you're going about this the wrong way??


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:

Sadly I agree.

You will never get over this if she is not truly remorseful, respects you, loves but more importantly she has to love and respect herself.

And Biscuits, she does not sound if she is capable of these emotions.

Why not just sit her down and tell her what you wrote.

Explain to her that if only wants the security then it i time for you to split, divorce and be the best coparent you can be.

I think the exbf has very little to do with her issues.

And from what the siblings have said it sounds like she has had these issues for a while.

You have some tough decisions to make.

HM64


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

She will go once she either meets somebody else or has the confidence to leave on her own. You can wait it out wondering when the day will be, or take control.

Better for you child to grow up with at least one parent that lives by respect for themselves and others.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

No way to heal with an unremorseful, dishonest, bully wayward. No way. 
Some poeople are simply incapable of such emotions.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

So but this has disaster written all over it!!! I know you have a child and I hope you are really the Bio-Dad for your sake but this early in a marriage??? Bad sign!! The calculated way she went about it shows at least to me that she does not love you and will do it again.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ShootMePlz! said:


> So but this has disaster written all over it!!! I know you have a child and I hope you are really the Bio-Dad for your sake but this early in a marriage??? Bad sign!! The calculated way she went about it shows at least to me that she does not love you and will do it again.


You may want to do a DNA test just in case.


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