# The internet and my infedelity



## Dizzle6985 (Jun 17, 2011)

I've been wanting to post this to people for a bit, just because i want advice, and i just want to see where i can get help. 
I've been a porno junkie since i was 13. I'm 26 now and not much has changed. My wife tolerates it. However, i decided to do something that has put her in a position of divorcing me. 
Recently i decided that, after seeing a lot of nude beach stuff, that i wanted to take a whack at voyeurism. I exposed myself, and masturbated in adult oriented chat rooms. 
About three days ago, i drank more then i normally do, and came home. I decided that then it would be a good idea to do it. However, i passed out halfway through, and when my wife woke up to go to work she caught me sleeping with the cam on. 
Needless to say, she is very pissed, and has told me that if it were not for my son, she would be gone. 
She told me that we should go to counciling, and i have agreed. 
To make a long story short, i am madly in love with my wife. We married young because we felt that it was the right thing to do, and i still believe it to this day. We even have a beautiful boy to prove our love. 
I just can't understand why i did what i did. I'd like to know if there is anyone else out there that has been in the same situation, and how they coped with it. Is it an addiction? Some sort of mental issue? Do i have a lot of deeper issues that i need to deal with that are coming out? 
I am literally doing everything at this point to save my marriage. I just need to know if anyone else has been in my shoes. Thanks.


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## MrDude (Jun 21, 2010)

reading your post one thing that stood out was you seem more interested in your personal happiness/enjoyment than getting that within your marriage.

You say that your wife tolerates you watching porn, this shows a lack of respect for her. One partner should not do things that the other tolerates. Your wife should be enthusiastic, or at least be ok with, about what you are doing.

As far as addiction or mental problem, First off I think these are used way too often today so people do not have to take responsibility for their actions. YOU made the decision to drink, YOU make the decision to get on the computer and watch porn, etc. You even state "I decided..." That means it was a conscious decision to do it...even though you knew your wife would not approve. 

You want to show your wife you really want to work on your marriage...good first step with counseling, you should probably get individual as well.
Cancel your internet, throw out your porn collection. SHOW HER YOU RESPECT HER!!!


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

the problem with porn is that the nature of the material that once arouses a person, quite often grows old fast.
Arousal at one particular topic grows old in terms of its enjoyment, and you regress to darker and darker materials. It is the nature of its intent, to ease you into the soft core stuff, until you find yourself years later wanting topics or material that is unhealthy or increasingly deviant to spark your interest. Your attitude towards a healthy sexual interest is destroyed, often times married men find themselves not even interested in their wives, or turning their own bedroom into a nightmare for their wives. It doesnt stop there. Porn is the same as heroin, in its addictive nature and requirement for more and more to obtain the same results. Think for a second at what is available out there, that could be the worst possible situation you would want to find yourself viewing, involved in, or "requiring" to satisfy you.
And never let yourself believe it couldnt come to that.


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## Dizzle6985 (Jun 17, 2011)

Thanks for the frank responses. I really do need this right now. Someone to keep telling me I really screwed up. Now fix it idiot! I agree with the second poster it does come to a point where the normal stuff does nothing. And you look for the next thing to get you off. Eventually that snowballs into the bedroom. its just, how to commit to the clean break? What can I do to show her im trying to take the right steps?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If it's taking away from your sex life with your wife, then yes you have a problem and need to get counselling.

You commit to a clean break by telling her you are going to nip this in the bud, realize how it's affecting her and your marriage adverseley and show her through actions (talk is cheap) that you will stop this behavior by actually NOT doing the behavior.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Read about the effects of porn. Educate yourself to the point where you are disgusted by the man you were. Amazon has a lot of good books on the subject. The rest is being transparent and open to monitoring. The cam goes. Porn blocking sw is installed if you can't control your impulses. Ic, not just MC. No magazines, no maxim or anything that objectifies women. And that may mean some r rated movies are avoided. No listing over VC commercials or catalogs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## msmith (Jun 7, 2011)

I know a man who started viewing porn materials since early teen. He goes to church yet he viewed porn at home. He has a family now yet he still couldn't quite shake the habit. He said that the amount of hours he put in viewing porn all these years if added correctly is staggering huge. 

I also heard a speaker said that sex is mostly fulfilling own desire and real love is sacrificing self for the other person. You said that you love your wife. Do you really mean what you said? How about this: tell your wife that you truly love her and stay off computer (not even turning it on) for three days. Spend the extra time with her and your boy. After three days, you may gain a new perspective about family life.


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## DoveInTheMud (May 25, 2011)

Just like cheating spouses need to implement complete 'no contact' (NC) with the other person, so you need to treat anything related in sexual nature that is not your wife.

Enable the 'child protection' internet blocker on your browser with only your wife having access to the password. 
If you need to access normal site that would still be blocked, she can enter the password and enable it.
Also, set up the brower so that the history does NOT get deleted. Your wife should then check regularly which sites you have been on.

Basically, you cannot go too extreme in proving to her that you want to change.

Also, since alcohol also led you to think that your plan was acceptable, I'd also say no drinking anymore.


Since this 'fix' has been like a drug to you and may have you already desensitized to normal and healthy intimacy with your wife, it's going to be tough for you, but you'll get through.

Through years and years of abuse of your mind with those images, you have your brain wired in a certain way of how it wants to receive pleasure.

The good news is that brain patterns CAN change, they just need persistent re-wiring by not returning to the old patterns AT ALL, and consistently practicing the new patterns.

At the end of the day, you need to come to a point where YOU want to change because you actually want a NEW, BETTER life with your wife - not because you are scared of loosing her and want to find an easy way out that keeps you free of trouble.

You may also want to read the following books:
"Who switched off my brain"
and
"Every man's battle".


All the best. You are making a good decision by having come to this place for help and recognizing that something has to change.

Wishing you well.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

what happened is pretty embarrassing but not much more. You'll laugh about it in a few years.


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## avenrandom (Sep 13, 2010)

couple said:


> what happened is pretty embarrassing but not much more. You'll laugh about it in a few years.


This comment is so disconnected... His wife tells him he'd be gone if it wasn't for the kid, and you think they'll just laugh it off? 



> What can I do to show her im trying to take the right steps?


I agree with Jellybeans on this one... This is already the wrong way think about it. If you were doing what was required to save this marriage, you wouldn't be asking how you "try to show her" ... it would show itself based on your actions. Talk will not fix this, actions and time will. It's an addiction, and if you can't stop to save your marriage, then you'll simply end up following the "safe route" to recovery, as many addicts do. See: They ween themselves off the addiction slowly, in hopes to find an acceptable balance point between a) what they want (or what the body is telling them they need), and b) the thing getting in their way. Eventually they relapse, and _if_ their partner gives them yet another chance, they'll only remove it enough to re-satisfy the opposing party. That is _not_ the course of action if you are serious about fixing this.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

SExaholics Anonymous
What is Sexaholics Anonymous?


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

8yearscheating said:


> SExaholics Anonymous
> What is Sexaholics Anonymous?


I just checked out the site. Do they _really_ expect people to not masturbate to be "sober"? I have a hard time seeing this as possible in my life. Does that mean I have a prob?


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## DoveInTheMud (May 25, 2011)

I read somewhere that it depends on how and what you think about when you masturbate.... does it emotionally, mentally, physically bring you closer to your spouse, or is it creating a distance?


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## Dizzle6985 (Jun 17, 2011)

thanks again for all the responses. My intention is simple: to rebuild my marriage, strengthen the bond between the two of us, and get rid of this addiction that would make me choose to masturbate to complete strangers on my webcam. Like it was said, it can only get worse. And, i agree. 
But, quitting cold turkey seems like its too easy of a way out. I would more than likely relapse. I don't want to do that because it would hurt my marriage even more. 
I say it again, i love my wife. I will do anything possible to make things right. I do not want to loose her, and i do not want to loose my family in the process. 
I see a lot of great advice, that i have truly been taking to heart. But, i'd really like to hear from someone as well who was in my position, and how they fixed it. Just the little steps they took. Even if it comes to finding religion. (Raised catholic, not too into religion, pretty much agnostic now) Or, how they resisted urges. Or even if they found another way to channel "desires"(?) 
Thanks again guys, you have helped me a lot so far.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

Dizzle6985 said:


> thanks again for all the responses. My intention is simple: to rebuild my marriage, strengthen the bond between the two of us, and get rid of this addiction that would make me choose to masturbate to complete strangers on my webcam. Like it was said, it can only get worse. And, i agree.
> *But, quitting cold turkey seems like its too easy of a way out.* I would more than likely relapse. I don't want to do that because it would hurt my marriage even more.
> I say it again, i love my wife. I will do anything possible to make things right. I do not want to loose her, and i do not want to loose my family in the process.
> I see a lot of great advice, that i have truly been taking to heart. But, i'd really like to hear from someone as well who was in my position, and how they fixed it. Just the little steps they took. Even if it comes to finding religion. (Raised catholic, not too into religion, pretty much agnostic now) Or, how they resisted urges. Or even if they found another way to channel "desires"(?)
> Thanks again guys, you have helped me a lot so far.


That doesn't make any sense. Why wouldn't you do the "easiest" thing to save your marriage? I suspect it is because you don't really _want _to quit.

My mom is a hoarder, like those scary people on the cable shows, & I offered to pay for a professional organizer who specializes in hoarding disorders to come to her home & help her begin the process of cleaning out her home & dealing with what is making her hoard. She said exactly the same thing, she thought it was "too easy" & needed to do the work on her own, in her own way. I'm 36 & she has been a hoarder as long as I have known her. She doesn't _want_ to change, even though she often claims she does.

I think my mom, & you, need to bite the bullet & do what needs to be done to fix what is broken. Cold turkey_ can_ work. Besides, how much would your wife appreciate it when you inform her you are quitting cold turkey to improve your marriage & had put parental blocks on your computer?


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## Dizzle6985 (Jun 17, 2011)

ok, i see your point. 
Counterpoint: My wife is a hardcore cynic. Saying and doing are miles apart to her. So, if i was to be like, "please block the internet with child blocker, etc.. etc.. etc.." (like i did today) i would be telling her that i am quitting cold turkey. But, it would take a long time of quitting cold turkey to prove to her that it is all behind me. Get where im coming from. 
I should rephrase that... quitting cold turkey seems like to easy of a way out in my household. 
i would like to prove to her that the long term actually is exactly that. That's why i'd like to see a response from someone who quit on the long term, and how they avoid relapses.


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## DoveInTheMud (May 25, 2011)

And that is exactly why cold turkey SEEMs easy but it's NOT!

Insist that she puts on the child blocker, no matter how she reacts to that. Even if she thinks you're taking the easy way out - it does not matter.
And then, the hard part comes: you keep it up. after that, you keep it up!

So don't think of this as a diet, that you'll stop eating junk food for a while until you get fit (your marriage), and then you start eating some junk food here and there in small amounts and still stay healthy.

Porn is an addition with you, you need to treat it like an alcoholic. Stop it and stay away from it. There is no 'healthy, acceptable' amount for you.

And like a smoker who is used to holding something between the fingers, etc.... find something to replace it with: pick up a hobby that keeps you physically distracted, but also mentally.
And establishing that as a new habit is also hard work.

Your wife may laugh at you, thinking this is all fake, etc... but with time, you'll see, she'll recognize that you are doing this for real and she will respect you more for it. She may even feel more secure and loved by you because you surprised her and are doing something that truly makes a difference for yourself, her, and actually everybody around you.

If you are looking for a 'quick fix', there isn't truly one, but you can look for something that may have more of a short term impact.

For example, there is a program out there on how to get to 100 push-ups in 7 weeks. Or you can buy your wife a single flower every single day for a week or so .... something that creates a sense in you of self-improvement but also shows your wife that not only do you want to stop what is 'bad', but do more of something that is good, ..... or pick up a chore you normally don't do or only sporadically .... and committ to helping your wife more in that aspect...


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## Dizzle6985 (Jun 17, 2011)

well, as of today i'm writing this from the porn locked profile on my computer. This is really gonna be a long road, but i feel like this is a good step in the right direction. 
Really been on edge the past couple of days. I snapped at one of my cooks tonight, and it's very uncharacteristic of me... 
Just wondering, will this get better or is it gonna get a lot worse. I really need a hobby to get my mind off of this.


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## DoveInTheMud (May 25, 2011)

It's probably going to get tougher as the initial pain and shock that caused you to 'wake up' dissipates, but the important thing is to keep it up. 
Only that way you can prove it to your wife.

Like the AA says "One day at a time". 

In regards to hobbies, you may need to try out different things before you know what you like. 
Think of something that you've seen others do and thought 'cool, I'd like to be able to do that', or something you used to do perhaps back in school and thought was fun
... or start with things that plainly don't bore you to tears...
ideas:
- exercise (PX90 is tough!)
- learn a language (via software at home)
- start reading fiction, history (military, etc...) books,
- woodworking (puzzles, birdhouses, furniture, etc....)
- ...


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## msmith (Jun 7, 2011)

We are here to support you. There will be some good days and some bad days. Keep it up.


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## Dizzle6985 (Jun 17, 2011)

Thanks guys... i think this post might get lost in oblivion soon. But, for those of you who took the time to give me advice, i really truly appreciate it. I have been given my last chance, and i will not waste it. This post is only one of the issues in my marriage that will need to addressed, but i believe that what happens... happens. For better or for worse. I'll be happy coming out of this a stronger person whichever way i look at it. Thanks again, hope to be posting more soon on other topics. 

Just an update: Counciling begins in a day. I might start posting over there to see what i can learn. Thanks again guys.


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