# Different views on parenting



## treasures4u1 (Oct 27, 2009)

This is the second marriage for both my husband and I. My husband is also 10 years younger than me.

My kids are grown and on their own. His kids lived with their mother in another state. So for the first 4 years of our marriage, things were absolutely wonderful. I had never been happier in my life. Everything was beautiful.

Then, the bomb dropped...his son came to live with us. Now, the problem is not the son but my husband. The kid is a fairly good kid. He takes all Advanced placement classes in school, he never complains and he never ask for anything. He really is a good kid. Oh don't get me wrong. he is a teen so he has his quirks.

It was a BIG change for all of us when his son came to live with us. For me, it was that I had already raised my kids and now I was raising another. I thought I was done. 
for my husband, he was now raising a kid from the teen years with no prior experience but was ecstatic that his son was here.
for the kid, he was not used to rules...so it was a big change for everyone.
The problem is...discipline. My husband doesn't have a clue on how to raise kids. I have 3 kids grown and have loads of experience. Also, I am more old school and he is new school. We fight constantly. When I say that I mean literally ALL the time. If I say that his son needs to limit phone time, he lets him have more. If I say he needs to be held responsible and punished for bad grades, he doesn't do anything.

I mean it is like no matter what I say, he does the opposite. It got so bad around here that I finally decided that I would back off. Well, when I did that, he got worse. It's like he treats the kid like a friend and not a child. It's awful. One example is that his son was limited to how many calls and texting he could do on the phone. Well, he was caught skipping class and I asked him how are we going to punish him for that and his solution was to have him not be allowed to text for one night. ONE NIGHT! Can you believe it?

He never follows up on things. He never punishes and we fight about it. It's hard for me because I know what teens do and how they act and I know what to expect. He doesn't know. But he is a grown up and he does understand about making the child responsible but he doesn't.

It is truly ruining our marriage so bad that I am ready to leave. His son even knows how his dad is because when I get on to him about something he looks at his dad and says "dad, are you going to let her do this"? and my husband looks at me, then him and says I will talk to her. So, I guess you all realize now that I am not only the "Bad Guy", I have lost all respect from the kid as well.

We have both agreed that we should separate but we both do not want to. But, I can not stay here and watch this. I just can't. It drives me crazy. My husband says that I have gone crazy. We have one rule that his son or anyone can not be on the phone during dinner. Well, his son got a call from his girlfriend tonight while he was eating dinner and his dad told him to go ahead and take the call. I went crazy. I went and took the phone from him and reminded him of the rule and he said but dad said I could. I told him that the rule stands and if he had a problem then he could hand the phone over and not get it back. Well, needless to say, my husband went nuts.

Oh and another thing, I am not allowed to talk to his son about anything either. I am not allowed to tell him what to do with out talking to my husband first.

We got in a really big fight tonight and I told him that the child needs rules and structure. He says that he will take care of it. He doesn't understand and get the fact that I am still his wife and the only mother the kid has right now. I have every right.

I truly do love my husband but this one thing is really putting a large strain on our marriage and my nerves. I have a disease and I am not suppose to get overly stressed. HAHA, well that is out the window.

I don't think it will ever change so I know we do need to separate. The problem is..I have no where to go. I have no family I can stay with, no job and no car. Where the heck am I suppose to go?

We tried to see if we could go to counseling but we can't afford it. We both still love each other but we both know it's not going to change. I have changed, he hasn't even tried.

This is part of the problem he had with his first wife. What in the world do I do?

Please help me!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think you ought to let him raise his kid the way he wants to. you raised your kids and you thought you were done....you are done. be supportive of your H. For six months back off and be supportive- and dont carry around an i-told-you-so attitude when things go haywire.


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## GinaAbu (May 20, 2010)

This is such a sad situation I have a step son and I was always the one to get on to him and follow through the difference was my husband let me because he knew that it needed to be done but he did not want to be the bad guy. I would suggest that you back away again but this time do it without expecting any change do it because you need it for your health. If you do it because you want to show them, then you may be acting different and they may think your playing games. Back off slowly . Sounds like your husband is thinking you are treating his son unfairly. You said he has never had to be a full time parent so I bet he does not realize that children have to have rules and boundaries. If another situation arises try to talk to him when your both are not angry and use words like Would you try to understand how I just want to help..... I started the,"Would you words" to my husband and it is so weird how he listens to me in a different way. I read that in some self hep book. It said don't use the word can but use would.... weird , i know. It even works on my 10 year old son. If I were you I would try to come up with ways where you are not home for awhile to let them get use to each other. Also try to win the respect of your step son back with talking to him and maybe telling him that you are sorry if you came on strong but you have raised 3 kids and it's just the mother in you. He needs to know that you care for him and not that you just want the upper hand (even though he needs it most now) Believe me if you back off the son will probably do more things that are not right and your husband will beg you for advice soon. We all know this is the hardest job EVER.....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would focus on getting to know the son better and letting him see that you're an ok person. Go on walks with him. Help him with schoolwork. Listen to him about girl problems. Be the grown up. He needs you to be the grown up since his dad won't do it. If you know he's having ABC problem at school, tell him about a person you knew who handled ABC 'this' way. You're not telling him what to do, but you're showing him that someone DID get it right; he can then decide whether to use the advice. But at least you're giving it. He needs consistency, and if you give your opinion on how you think a situation should be handled, and then go on yur way, he'll get it. He'll come to realize that you make sense. He will (hopefully) start to gravitate toward your way of thinking. "My sister thought she could pass the SATs without getting one of those study guides; but she flunked so bad she had to sign up for it all over again; and the second time, she got the book."

But he's a guy. If you make it a confrontation, he'll dig his heels in just to spite you. Same with your husband. 

Be smart. Be an advisor. Be available. Be wise. But back off.


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## treasures4u1 (Oct 27, 2009)

I actually thought of that as well the thing is...he doesn't want me to be involved in the discipline of the kid but he does expect me to take him places, pick him up, etc...I feel that if I am not good enough for all aspects of his life then I am not good enough for any.

Thank you for your response. It has helped!


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## treasures4u1 (Oct 27, 2009)

Actually the first two years that he was here were not bad because my husband was working and it left just the two of us here. We talked, watched movies, went to the mall, McDonald's. We had a great relationship. My husband lost his job and he stuck himself between us so bad that it has ruined my relationship with his son.

My mother says that she thinks my husband is jealous and his way of handling this is to get me out of the equation period. I am beginning to think she is right. Also, my husband has been taking over everything. He has taken over doing all the things that I used to do (or trying at least). 

I never knew him as a controlling person but he really is. He wants 100% control.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You don't have to LET him ruin your relationship with his son. I'm not trying to be rude, but honestly, if you want this bad enough, you would be finding ways to get around your husband's issues. I'm sensing that at least 50% of your issue here is that you are mad at your husband, and you're letting that overshadow your efforts with his son.

And the son is the one who suffers the most by losing your support.


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