# Untrusting



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I know some women that are very trusting, and have a very positive opinion of their husband. Some I believe rather live like ostriches... head in the sand and just trust their husbands faithfully. Other women like me... have trust issues. I'm hyper aware of red flags. Or at least I get suspicious when I see a red flag whereas other women don't count it as a red flag and don't care. 

My one friend (different culture) doesn't want to know anything. She says she will trust him and believe in him. She says if he is cheating on her she doesn't want to know. She doesn't question him, she doesn't snoop, she doesn't ask who he is talking to. She lives in a way that is being 100% loyal to him and to God. She doesn't think too deeply about her relationship with her husband, it is what it is and she is grateful for what she has. 

And other women have trust issues and they can drive their husbands crazy with their paranoia and snooping and live in a constant state of anxiety. 

I don't really have a question... just thinking out loud I guess. I am just one of those women who never really trusted any man, and my expectation for men is really high and it's hard for me to find men I respect. And I see other women who really trust and support their men unwaveringly. I wish I could be one of those women.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think it is wiser to let them earn your trust.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

https://forgivenwife.com/unbearable-lessons/

So you would put someone thru a period of suspicion when they are 15 minutes late due to traffic?

A female wrong number caller is grounds for accusations?

Bumping into a female college friend years after college earns your husband the stinky eye?

Or is it you are projecting your thoughts / actions onto your SO?

Think about the life your putting your SO thru. 

At some point, even if he is the most loving person, he will ask himself, "Is it really worth all the sh!!t she puts me thru?"


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I know some women that are very trusting, and have a very positive opinion of their husband. Some I believe rather live like ostriches... head in the sand and just trust their husbands faithfully. Other women like me... have trust issues. I'm hyper aware of red flags. Or at least I get suspicious when I see a red flag whereas other women don't count it as a red flag and don't care.
> 
> My one friend (different culture) doesn't want to know anything. She says she will trust him and believe in him. She says if he is cheating on her she doesn't want to know. She doesn't question him, she doesn't snoop, she doesn't ask who he is talking to. She lives in a way that is being 100% loyal to him and to God. She doesn't think too deeply about her relationship with her husband, it is what it is and she is grateful for what she has.
> 
> ...



I used to trust my H right from before we got married to many years even after his one night stand when I was pregnant with my child.

In the last 7 years though, not so, why because he started going out, drinking, partying, was a right B****** to me, not supportive, we fought all the time. I remember telling him I didn't know who he was anymore, i felt so alone and abandoned. 
He told me recently that he felt he was not needed because I switched off (I was depressed) so like a mature adult that he is, he acted out! 
From then I do not trust him, once trust is broken it is very hard to restore it. He is now doing backward flips to be a model H , no drinking, or partying, lets me know when he's coming home, where he is. Though on an emotional level there is a lot of work to do for both of us but I am not sure I want to . But the cords have been broken and I think even if he became a saint, I still have my reservations. After his infidelity (I have no proof of second, though I suspect) I rug swept and blindly trusted him as we worked on the marriage and things were good for many years. 

I guess the problem lies with me now, and I do want to work on my trust levels considering it is not a healthy way to live. I guess it is also about protecting oneself. 
He knows how I feel and said that he knows I do not trust him and that I never see the good side of him, and that is true. I also realise that no man can live under than burden, it will destroy him too, but it is what it is.

"Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair" - How true


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> https://forgivenwife.com/unbearable-lessons/
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I get what your saying but to me he was constantly lying about dumb things. It was when he received text messages from a girl on Christmas morning and refused to let me see... then deleted all his texts. It was when he would put his text message alert on silence so I wouldn't know when he got a text, and he was always on his phone. 
I am not projecting. I was always an open book, I didn't hide anything from him.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I know some women that are very trusting, and have a very positive opinion of their husband. Some I believe rather live like ostriches... head in the sand and just trust their husbands faithfully. Other women like me... have trust issues. I'm hyper aware of red flags. Or at least I get suspicious when I see a red flag whereas other women don't count it as a red flag and don't care.
> 
> My one friend (different culture) doesn't want to know anything. She says she will trust him and believe in him. She says if he is cheating on her she doesn't want to know. She doesn't question him, she doesn't snoop, she doesn't ask who he is talking to. She lives in a way that is being 100% loyal to him and to God. She doesn't think too deeply about her relationship with her husband, it is what it is and she is grateful for what she has.
> 
> ...


Sorry, I triggered. My wife was in a relationship where she was abused. Never told me before we got married. The amount of distrust she carried almost killed the relationship, even thou I had not done anything to warrant that level of distrust.

Hiding messages by your SO is a definite red flag. You may need a few years by yourself to clear your head.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I got married in May, and this is probably the first guy I've trusted...entirely. He is truly a guy who keeps his promises, not just to me, but to everyone...his parents, and our mutual friends. I think a good thing to look for when dating someone and figuring out if you can trust him/her, is to see what types of friends they have and how they treat their friends. If they break promises to their friends, they likely will break promises to you. If they have friends who are cheaters, etc...well, it's possible to become the company you keep.  So, those are things to look for.

But, then there are also people who have trust issues, which I used to, but he really is someone that I feel I can trust. I'm not interested in going through his phone, and he doesn't do that to me, etc...we just have trust. Hopefully it stays like this for years to come!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There is a whole range of things people mean when they say "trust". 

I trust my wife. By that I mean that I do not go looking for evidence of inappropriate behavior and that I have a pretty high bar for what behavior would cause me to become suspicious. 

My wife used to completely trust me but now that has diminished to a modest level of trust. Not sure what happened, except that maybe at some point she realized that other women did find me attractive and that I had the opportunity to cheat if I wanted to.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

uhtred said:


> There is a whole range of things people mean when they say "trust".
> 
> I trust my wife. By that I mean that I do not go looking for evidence of inappropriate behavior and that I have a pretty high bar for what behavior would cause me to become suspicious.
> 
> My wife used to completely trust me but now that has diminished to a modest level of trust. Not sure what happened, except that maybe at some point she realized that other women did find me attractive and that I had the opportunity to cheat if I wanted to.


Just curious, was there a defining moment that you can think of, where she noticed women were flirting with you, etc?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I get what your saying but to me he was constantly lying about dumb things. It was when he received text messages from a girl on Christmas morning and refused to let me see... then deleted all his texts. It was when he would put his text message alert on silence so I wouldn't know when he got a text, and he was always on his phone.
> I am not projecting. I was always an open book, I didn't hide anything from him.


I would bet money your husband was cheating. It explains his pension for disappearing when you were fighting. 

Honestly I know there was a period of time when you husband seemed like the greatest thing, but the more you tell about your relationship the more I think, when you move on, assuming you meet an emotionally mature man, you will see a stark difference. You will be so happy that you did decide to move on. Find a man who is as emotionally intelligent as your husband was book smart and you will have a happy life. 

By the way my wife has all my passwords, I wrote them down and gave them to her. There would be nothing for her to find, if she ever had any inkling of concern I don't want her to worry. I will not be inauthentic with her or anyone else, for better of for worse. I expect nothing less from her. I expect her to expect the best from me, as I do her. We are a team and should push each other when necessary. Trust is implied but so is authenticity. My identity is entwined in her, how could I cheat?

By the way I know I keep saying it but one of the key things about trust and fear is never being so dependent on a person that you put all of your happiness into them. If you don't do that you don't make choices out of fear. It's hard to do but it's very healthy.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't know. There was no specific incident that I was aware of. 

She is very LD and doesn't fine me, or to the best of my knowledge, anyone else to be sexually attractive. I suspect that for a long time she couldn't imagine other women being attracted to me, and knew from my personality that I wouldn't pressure other women for sex. I suspect then that one of her girlfriends made some light comment about my being attractive. Maybe my wife then realized that I *did* have other options and that since she almost never had sex with me, I had motivation as well. 

All speculation on my part. She used to seem utterly trusting. Then she started seeming very suspicious. Then that gradually faded away to a pretty low, but not zero level of suspicion. 




*Deidre* said:


> Just curious, was there a defining moment that you can think of, where she noticed women were flirting with you, etc?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

uhtred said:


> I don't know. There was no specific incident that I was aware of.
> 
> She is very LD and doesn't fine me, or to the best of my knowledge, anyone else to be sexually attractive. I suspect that for a long time she couldn't imagine other women being attracted to me, and knew from my personality that I wouldn't pressure other women for sex. I suspect then that one of her girlfriends made some light comment about my being attractive. Maybe my wife then realized that I *did* have other options and that since she almost never had sex with me, I had motivation as well.
> 
> All speculation on my part. She used to seem utterly trusting. Then she started seeming very suspicious. Then that gradually faded away to a pretty low, but not zero level of suspicion.


That's interesting. Hmmm. How do you know she has lost some trust in you? Does she not trust where you've been, etc? (like where you say you've been)


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

An example:

I sometimes get her jewelry - nothing spectacular, just little pendants and things. One day a card arrived for me in the mail from Tiffany's thanking me for purchasing. It was quite a while since my last purchase from them and I suppose they thought it was a good idea to poke their customers. Well it was a bad idea. My wife saw a card thanking me for a purchase, but she hadn't gotten anything in months - so she got very suspicious, thought I have bought jewelry for someone else. 

(doubly silly, since if I had done so I wouldn't have used my credit card or name to do it). 

She has given more subtle signs of not quite trusting me anymore. She doesn't accuse, but tries to ask subtle questions about who I was with at conferences, or if I go flying in the evening but the plane doesn't show up on flight aware she asks. 

Its not very bad, in fact pretty normal. Just in the past she was comfortable with things that looked far more suspicious. 




*Deidre* said:


> That's interesting. Hmmm. How do you know she has lost some trust in you? Does she not trust where you've been, etc? (like where you say you've been)


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

If trust must be earned, then so should mistrust. Anyone who carries baggage from prior trauma would be wise to address it prior to entering a serious relationship or abstain from having one in the first place. Those who don't will tend to create relationships that meet and exceed their expectations.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

uhtred said:


> An example:
> 
> I sometimes get her jewelry - nothing spectacular, just little pendants and things. One day a card arrived for me in the mail from Tiffany's thanking me for purchasing. It was quite a while since my last purchase from them and I suppose they thought it was a good idea to poke their customers. Well it was a bad idea. My wife saw a card thanking me for a purchase, but she hadn't gotten anything in months - so she got very suspicious, thought I have bought jewelry for someone else.
> 
> ...


Yea, that sounds normal I guess, the Tiffany note in the mail, etc. In some ways, it can be a sign that she won't take you for granted, if she believes others may ''want'' you. That seems to be a running theme here, spouses taking each other for granted, but they also don't want anyone else to have their spouse.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Yes, in some ways its positive. OTOH, it is frustrating to be with a spouse with who has very little physical attraction to me, but is concerned that other women do. To make it worse this has happened as I've gotten older and other actually are less attracted to me than they were 10-20 years ago. 

Somehow it seems unfair to both be suspicious of your spouse and not to want to have sex with them. 




*Deidre* said:


> Yea, that sounds normal I guess, the Tiffany note in the mail, etc. In some ways, it can be a sign that she won't take you for granted, if she believes others may ''want'' you. That seems to be a running theme here, spouses taking each other for granted, but they also don't want anyone else to have their spouse.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Yes, in some ways its positive. OTOH, it is frustrating to be with a spouse with who has very little physical attraction to me, but is concerned that other women do. To make it worse this has happened as I've gotten older and other actually are less attracted to me than they were 10-20 years ago.
> 
> Somehow it seems unfair to both be suspicious of your spouse and not to want to have sex with them.


I don't think I'd have stayed, if my husband never wants to have sex with me, or it's a chore.  But, I know that everyone's marriage is different. 

I think that some people from what I've seen offline and reading on here, just have different views of marriage. Some people just seem like they want a roommate to share the costs of bills with, and raise kids. They get along as friends, but they don't seem like husband/wife. There's no real affection or intimacy, it's just a comfort/convenience thing. 

But, only you can change it if it bothers you that much. I see that too though, so many people tolerating marriages that they're honestly not happy in, for whatever their reasons. I don't judge, but only you can change it. Your wife gets the sense you'll never leave, so she has no reason to change. She doesn't want to tend to your needs, but she also doesn't want anyone else doing that, either.

Imagine if you were to not do things she likes, I have a feeling she'd speak up. It seems like sex is the one area in marriages, where a spouse can ''opt out'' and the marriage still keeps going. If you opted out of going to work and paying bills, doubt she'd like that. If you opted out of complimenting her, or saying I love you, I doubt she'd like that. But, sex seems to be the thing that spouses who choose to opt out, get away with. And even if someone is LD, he/she should still want to please their spouse in some way sexually, out of LOVE. It shouldn't be that the HD spouse is always compromising.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its complicated - as the endless discussions on the topic indicate.

As I see it: to an LD person, sex isn't something that they can "just do". When they don't want it, its extremely unpleasant. (here "sex" means any sexual activity). Sex is very important, but not the only important thing in a marriage, so a marriage can be good and loving in other ways. That said, having a poor sex life puts a damper on everything else.

Probably drifting too far off topic here. 





*Deidre* said:


> I don't think I'd have stayed, if my husband never wants to have sex with me, or it's a chore.  But, I know that everyone's marriage is different.
> 
> I think that some people from what I've seen offline and reading on here, just have different views of marriage. Some people just seem like they want a roommate to share the costs of bills with, and raise kids. They get along as friends, but they don't seem like husband/wife. There's no real affection or intimacy, it's just a comfort/convenience thing.
> 
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Deidre* said:


> I got married in May, and this is probably the first guy I've trusted...entirely. He is truly a guy who keeps his promises, not just to me, but to everyone...his parents, and our mutual friends. I think a good thing to look for when dating someone and figuring out if you can trust him/her, is to see what types of friends they have and how they treat their friends. If they break promises to their friends, they likely will break promises to you. If they have friends who are cheaters, etc...well, it's possible to become the company you keep.  So, those are things to look for.


 THIS... I grew up with most of my family members not being there for me... so trust in people in general was LOW ... My grandmother and a few friends were my world, until I met him...

I looked around me and seen many guys who lie , sleep with anything , lie some more.. get women pregnant then are never there for the baby.. I wanted no part of that... I have always wanted to know the history of a person... where they came from.. what they value... and are they consistent.. always keeping their word... and so true.. the type of people they hang with is absolutely HUGE.. birds of a feather flock together -generally speaking.. 

I have never trusted anyone in my life as much as my husband..through all my years... this has never wavered.. as @jld spoke... it was earned...he's always been consistent ....a few little things he may have kept from me.. like taking the kids out to eat when I was more strict about saving money back in the day.. didn't want to hear me saying "You spent too much".. outside of that.. the man has never lied to me...

I probably trust his being there for me -- more than God above..... which many would not say is healthy.. though I've always questioned many things religious so that shouldn't be too much of a stretch coming from me...

I can easily understand WHY people have trust issues.. when one has been burned again & again & again... I mean we have to be realistic.. I wish their was more sincerity and honesty in this world ....seems most everyone says they want this... where can they find it...yet when seeking a partner.. overlook the history, or consistency of those they are attracted to... 

At the very least.... a vulnerability of where they have been.. how they have grown can show honesty and sincerity with someone new.. 

A *willing *Openness .. to me is Vital in any relationship for trust to be built upon. .


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> I am just one of those women who never really trusted any man


Why not?



katiecrna said:


> and my expectation for men is really high


Why, and what does that expectation mean?



katiecrna said:


> and it's hard for me to find men I respect.


In what way?



katiecrna said:


> And I see other women who really trust and support their men unwaveringly. I wish I could be one of those women.


I don't trust what you're saying here to be true.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

No doubt I've had my share of trust/father issues... run of the mill type stuff. And I'm sure the walls of defense could go up pretty quick, bag packed and gone. That's mine to figure out. 

My husband has consistently demonstrated I can trust him. We're in this together. His character and grace mean a hell of a lot to me. Perhaps now more than ever, this is what I greatly value and respect. I also trust in myself more, and the decisions I make.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

If you don't trust ANY man....
If you don't respect ANY man....

Then you can't have much of a relationship with ANY man.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I found this the other day on You Tube.. it was in my feed... Brene Brown is such a wonderful speaker... she spoke of TRUST... how this is something that has to be built over time with people... we should never trust blindly..or too early... too many people betray us..


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I found this the other day on You Tube.. it was in my feed... Brene Brown is such a wonderful speaker... she spoke of TRUST... how this is something that has to be built over time with people... we should never trust blindly..or too early... too many people betray us..
> 
> Brene Brown The Anatomy of Trust


Sorry for the threadjack.
How are things with your husband and his place of employment.Was anything sorted out in regards to the incident at work.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Andy1001 said:


> Sorry for the threadjack.
> How are things with your husband and his place of employment.Was anything sorted out in regards to the incident at work.


I'll update that when we know something.. he was back to work the day after the hearing.. the evidence threw a monkey wrench unto them trying to put fault on the employees, so they didn't go there.. and made it about "rule violations" @ his "Job briefing"... they have 30 days to do what they will with that... so we wait... but thanks for asking Andy.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Trust requires the willingness TO trust, or to risk putting your whole trust into a person. Maybe you've watched them demonstrate trustworthy behavior for long enough and you find them deserving of trust, or maybe you're a trusting person by nature (whether by choice or because you've never been particularly hurt or betrayed).

If our trust has been violated by someone, it can take a while for us to heal sufficiently to trust again. Some people never trust again because they either fail to heal sufficiently or they choose to never take the risk of trusting, because doing so requires us to be vulnerable. 

There's no right or wrong way of being, but not trusting is most certainly going to close many doors to possible opportunity. Life is by its very nature, fraught with risk. Trying to avoid that risk by believing there's a common characteristic in an entire sub population is both short changing yourself and unfair to those individuals who are nothing like what you fear.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Sometimes, OP, being hyper sensitive to red-flags also keeps us safe.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

uhtred said:


> I don't know. There was no specific incident that I was aware of.
> 
> She is very LD and doesn't fine me, or to the best of my knowledge, anyone else to be sexually attractive. I suspect that for a long time she couldn't imagine other women being attracted to me, and knew from my personality that I wouldn't pressure other women for sex. I suspect then that one of her girlfriends made some light comment about my being attractive. Maybe my wife then realized that I *did* have other options and that since she almost never had sex with me, I had motivation as well.
> 
> All speculation on my part. She used to seem utterly trusting. Then she started seeming very suspicious. Then that gradually faded away to a pretty low, but not zero level of suspicion.


It's interesting how people see things, isn't it?

I'm in a line of work (self employed) where I just don't have a lot of regular human interaction (I don't work in an office). I'm home when my wife leaves for work, and almost always home when she's done work. (Yes, I do leave the house, lol!)

In addition to a number of other things, there just isn't much to reason for my wife to not trust me, or more importantly - to get jealous about. It's not that she doesn't think I wouldn't be attractive to other women, it's just that she views the opportunities for me to be around other women to be few and far between (she's not wrong).

There's a fine line, but IMO, you want your partner to show a little jealousy or possessiveness every now and again. It's not ideal to have a partner who is 100% certain you'd never ever stray, let alone look at someone else.

The reality is, that if someone truly believes this, then over time, the effort they put in to "keeping you" will diminish.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> THIS... I grew up with most of my family members not being there for me... so trust in people in general was LOW ... My grandmother and a few friends were my world, until I met him...
> 
> I looked around me and seen many guys who lie , sleep with anything , lie some more.. get women pregnant then are never there for the baby.. I wanted no part of that... I have always wanted to know the history of a person... where they came from.. what they value... and are they consistent.. always keeping their word... and so true.. the type of people they hang with is absolutely HUGE.. birds of a feather flock together -generally speaking..
> 
> ...


I trusted like that once. After being cheated on, I will never trust anyone like that ever again. It's too risky. Doesn't mean I don't trust, but not more then God. People are still human. Anyway if he continues to earn your trust throughout your whole life you are very lucky.

@katiecrna your issue in my mind is assuming women are any better just because you share the same organs. I mean how can you read here and thing Women are any better. Fair sex my ass, and I used to think that too. Nah both sexes, or even non gender there are lots of bad apples in the whole bunch.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I know some women that are very trusting, and have a very positive opinion of their husband. Some I believe rather live like ostriches... head in the sand and just trust their husbands faithfully. Other women like me... have trust issues. I'm hyper aware of red flags. Or at least I get suspicious when I see a red flag whereas other women don't count it as a red flag and don't care.
> 
> My one friend (different culture) doesn't want to know anything. She says she will trust him and believe in him. She says if he is cheating on her she doesn't want to know. She doesn't question him, she doesn't snoop, she doesn't ask who he is talking to. She lives in a way that is being 100% loyal to him and to God. She doesn't think too deeply about her relationship with her husband, it is what it is and she is grateful for what she has.
> 
> ...



once upon a time I was like your friend, naive and trusting, but life, circumstances and a flawed husband taught me otherwise. Now I am what you would consider vigilant, not quite hyper but I am not gullible.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

I trust people till they give me a reason not to. This probably shot me in the ass with my WH, but I just don't want to summon up the energy to be hyper vigilant about people. If you **** up then you can be dead to me afterward. I don't want to stress myself out worrying about your potential **** ups.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

I don?t see anything wrong with having high expectations. A quality partner is going to attract another quality person, so if you?re coming from a place of self-confidence and living your best life, you?re not going to find much in common with someone who isn?t. You?ll likely grow bored and disinterested pretty quickly.

Trust in a romantic relationship has to be defined, IMO. I fully trust my husband not to physically cheat, but knowing that we?re all wired to pair-bond and familiarity increases attraction, and attraction is an emotional need, I don?t trust either of us to spend one on one time with the OS. Another woman told me recently that as long as she trusts her husband to come home to her every night, she agrees that they can date others (open marriage). That wouldn?t work for me, or my husband.

I think boundaries around the OS are as important as trust.


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## jruck32 (Oct 6, 2017)

I used to trust - and even attempted to re-trust. I have been burnt multiple times now and I don't know if I will ever be able to trust a woman again. I feel like I have learned enough about myself to not get into a position where I will get burnt again, but I am very concerned that I won't be able to give myself fully to someone else in the first place...

Trust is a delicate thing.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

sokillme said:


> I trusted like that once. After being cheated on, I will never trust anyone like that ever again. It's too risky. Doesn't mean I don't trust, but not more then God. People are still human. Anyway if he continues to earn your trust throughout your whole life you are very lucky.


 The whole "trusting God" thing has always been murky for me.. what does THIS really mean to people??.. that the sun will come out tomorrow... that HE will somehow shield us and protect us daily, and from what ? I think of that scripture how we are more valuable than a sparrow....... what if we were one of those shot dead at that country concert, or left paralyzed , or a loved one.. how could that SHAKE our trust in God to keep us/ protect us...maybe we said our prayers for safety before we left.. 

I mean I pray often that God will allow me & husband to live to see all our children marry, to be in our rocking chairs together..... do I really believe that will happen.. I can only hope.. I/we have no control.. sometimes I feel others, like a drunk driver or by some freak accident (that GOD allowed to happen) through no fault of our own, how these things seems to be BIGGER than God watching over us... 

This is likely more of a discussion for what it means to TRUST GOD though...maybe that just means that we have some belief that in any tragedy.. that we'll just get through it and be OK, living life to it's fullest.. I don't know. 

When it comes to my husband....just a human who is prone to mistakes / fallible...I trust him even more than myself....how he handled himself during our yrs of infertility showed a steadfast faithfulness & love, despite he needed me more than I was there for him, when I wasn't so easy to live with, all I have memories of is: how good he was to me, never pushed me away... a true friend , devoted husband through it all.

I guess I just really look up to him as a shining example where I would have struggled to weather the same storms...and been more selfish myself.. causing a ruckus.... from the time we have met, I've always felt deeply loved , cared for/ special... through his hands on actions, desiring to be by my side... this has never changed in 36 yrs, still going strong....

So outside of his getting brain damage ...like from a disease or tragic accident (when the brain is altered, it's like we cease being who we were, would be devastating)...outside of that, or me changing profoundly to put a dagger in his heart, or killing his trust (I play a part in this too!)... then yes... I trust this man will be standing there beside me till his final breath...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> The whole "trusting God" thing has always been murky for me.. what does THIS really mean to people??.. that the sun will come out tomorrow... that HE will somehow shield us and protect us daily, and from what ? I think of that scripture how we are more valuable than a sparrow....... what if we were one of those shot dead at that country concert, or left paralyzed , or a loved one.. how could that SHAKE our trust in God to keep us/ protect us...maybe we said our prayers for safety before we left..
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> I mean I pray often that God will allow me & husband to live to see all our children marry, to be in our rocking chairs together..... do I really believe that will happen.. I can only hope.. I/we have no control.. sometimes I feel others, like a drunk driver or by some freak accident (that GOD allowed to happen) through no fault of our own, how these things seems to be BIGGER than God watching over us...
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To me trusting God has meant letting go. I have been able to do that is some instances and others not so much. The ones I was able to do it it worked out better then I could have expected. The ones where I took control maybe not as well. 

Look if you are trusting in God with some expectation that something bad won't happen to you I am not sure why? It's not biblical. God loves the sparrow yes, but the sparrow still gets eaten by the cat. We live in fallen world. We have free will, God has given up his sovereignty to give us that. Look at beginning of Luke 13 (I think the point was death and suffering comes to all of us).

I think your example of your husband is kind of how I think of God. Like your husband, God really doesn't really try to change us, he is patient and loves us even when we are not so great. That is what you can trust in. But bad things will happen in this world. I and people who are close to me have had some really bad things happen. Life changing things. That was very hard when it happened. It shook my faith because I had it in my mind that I was somehow immune. But I am not sure where I got that from, because it's never promised. It wasn't God's intent, because God didn't want a fallen world. But it's the world we live in. If you are following Christ because you think he is going to protect you from bad things you should pretty much stop now because he ain't. And that was never the point. 

One of the things I have learned and actually gives me more peace is that I really don't think our purpose in this life is to be happy. Now that is not what modern western culture has taught us. Being happy is great, but that is not our purpose. It also is not a fully obtainable goal. It's not human nature. But being unhappy doesn't mean something is necessarily wrong. Just like being in pain isn't wrong when you put your hand on a hot stove. So I don't think God's purpose or our relationship with God is to make us happy. It can, but it's not the point. 

Anyway that's just my two cents.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Thank you @sokillme for sharing how you see this, interpret God's love... Probably very human of me.. but I like to feel I have some control.... just giving things " to God".. I don't understand this... I find it basically silly to talk about God and his love for us..... I could give examples on this... I mean maybe it would make more sense to me to speak *of FAITH*... and if everything goes to hell in this life..you loose all your friends, everyone betrays you..kinda like JOB in the Old testament with his miserable comforters.. that you'll still die and be reunited with some loving savior in the afterlife....

It's like the little girl who's Mommy was telling her that Jesus loves her before putting her to bed... she told her Mom ..."but I want someone with skin on"..... we need other people, isn't there some Christian song, I know we've sung it in my church about "WE are his hands, his feet"...

I believe happiness is when we feel we have purpose.. but also others in our life for support, this does something for us... we feel connected to something.. I've met some religious loners out there... they are friendless... their families are estranged...all they seem to have is GOD...and if I can say this... they appear very unbalanced and on the crazy side.. 

I did a thread on this once... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ng-purpose-your-greatest-inner-happiness.html

I do care to be happy...is this so wrong ?? My greatest fears in life is something really BAD happening... like one of us gets a cancer diagnosis ( I will expect this as we get older.. hopefully after age 70)... a tragic accident where a child is paralyzed... or husband, myself.. something life altering...where nothing would be the same... so I live as to prevent such things as best I can.. but I know it's fruitless... we are all vulnerable ...and it sucks... 

I wasn't all that happy growing up... I wanted out of that house with my step Mother... so it was very important for me to find where I belonged... where I felt at "HOME", embraced, loved.. I found this when I met my husband...this for me was part of that happiness... 

I did a post on Happiness in that thread (post #47)...copy & pasted here ....


> A good friend of mine suggested I watch
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