# Last Minute Cancelation



## PeachyKeen (Jan 19, 2014)

My brother in law (BIL) is getting married on Saturday. My husband is the best man, our 6 year old is the flower girl, and our 3 year old is the ring bearer. Here’s the catch.

My BIL lives a 2.5 hour flight away, about a 15 hour drive away. My husband lost his job in May and we’ve been barely getting by on my teacher salary, which means we couldn’t afford to fly. Months ago, I told my husband that he should go to the wedding alone because we could not afford for us all to go. When he expressed this to my BIL, he became upset and hung up the phone in his face, which made my husband feel guilty. I’m guessing that the guilt is because their father passed earlier this year and he wants to be supportive of his brother, rightfully so. About a week ago, my MIL came into some money and decided to purchase flight tickets for the 4 of us, totaling over $1000. 

Here’s the thing, we are behind on our bills and can’t afford to pay to travel/attend the wedding (airport parking, luggage fees, hair, nails, the bachelor party that my husband is in charge of, clothing to wear to the wedding, a wedding gift, etc.). I am also deathly terrified of flying, which my husband knows and knew before he allowed his mom to book our flight. My flight phobia is so bad that I usually stress for weeks leading up to the flight, my blood pressure goes up, I cry, I can’t focus at work, I have panic attacks, etc. I have medication for this but it makes me drowsy so I can’t take it during the work week. 

Experiencing these things while being behind on bills and behind on my work is causing me both physical and mental anguish. I’d rather the kids and I just stay here while my husband goes, as I expressed before, and use the money from our tickets to pay bills. My husband insists that I can stay back, but he is going to take the kids anyway. This sucks because I’m going to be worried sick about putting my kids on a plane that I’m personally afraid of being on. They are so young (6 and 3). 

At this point I feel trapped in a lose-lose situation. If I go, I will stress over the travel and spending money that none of us have. If I don’t go, I will stress over sending my kids and potentially damage my relationship with my in-laws. I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be helpful.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Are you saying the wedding is next Saturday? If so, don't you think it is a little late to upend the entire wedding?

The MIL intended for the funds to be used for a specific reason - the wedding.

Your husband wants to go to the wedding and be present for his brother and family.

No one can force you to go. If you don't want to go, don't. But, don't expect the family to be thrilled about it. 

Ask your husband how he expects to cover the costs for the additional travel expenses.

Why can't you take the sedative for the plane ride? It will surely have worn off by the time you have to go to work.

Remember, this isn't about you so don't make it about you. Any objections could have been worked out before panic time. In short, you'll have to suck it up and go (and be GRACIOUS about it - no pouting or complaining about it at the wedding) and tell your husband to get any kind of job to put some money into the family coffers. Plenty of seasonal jobs are available now - Target for one.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I am confused on the timing. If the wedding is this Saturday, wouldn't your husband and kids already have spent the money on clothing for the wedding and other wedding expenses? 

If you made a commitment to BIL to be IN the wedding, it would be really awful to back out at the last minute. I can understand why BIL was upset. 

If he's your BIL, that is close family. I am sure your husband can discuss your financial situation and let him know that finances are tight so you can't really afford a lavish gift right now, etc. If BIL is a decent person he will understand that. 

You have to admit that your phobia of flying, while not uncommon, is not rational. Millions of people fly everyday without anything bad happening. Your kids will be fine on the plane. If you decide to go, make an appt with your doctor first and ask for something to help you get through it. I have a friend with a phobia of flying who takes Xanax before the flight... she's essentially knocked out for the whole thing. It isn't a perfect solution but it gets her through it. 

If you really cannot bring yourself to go and support the wedding, at least send the kids and your husband along since they already committed to being in the wedding. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

At the very least your husband and the kids need to go, the commitment was made and husband wants to attend. Frankly I believe down the road you will regret not going, take a bus or train if possible, your husband may be able to cash in your plane ticket and use the money to cover the hotel for a couple of nights. Find a way to make this work.


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## PeachyKeen (Jan 19, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Are you saying the wedding is next Saturday? If so, don't you think it is a little late to upend the entire wedding?
> 
> The MIL intended for the funds to be used for a specific reason - the wedding.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response. Yes, the wedding is this upcoming Saturday. I expressed that we shouldn’t all go months ago. We didn’t have the money to purchase tickets for 4 of us, but I was willing to help pay for my husband’s ticket so that he could be there. I think that the problem is that my husband didn’t really communicate our financial situation to his family well. And up until last week, I didn’t believe that we were all going because tickets still had not been purchased. I just wish that I knew that the tickets were being purchased by my MIL so that I could have expressed, once again, that we couldn’t all afford to go. 

You make a good point about the intended use of the funds. I think I’m just in panic mode because of some unexpected expenses that came up this month when my son had strep throat and my daughter needed new glasses. At any rate, thanks.


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## PeachyKeen (Jan 19, 2014)

kag123 said:


> I am confused on the timing. If the wedding is this Saturday, wouldn't your husband and kids already have spent the money on clothing for the wedding and other wedding expenses?
> 
> If you made a commitment to BIL to be IN the wedding, it would be really awful to back out at the last minute. I can understand why BIL was upset.
> 
> ...


My husband has not finished paying for his suit. He has $100 left to pay. I’m not in the position to pay the balance or contribute to the bachelor party plans.

I’m not personally in the wedding, but I definitely want to be supportive. This is just a lot for me right now as I’ve been carrying the financial weight of the family and wish that my BIL understood that when my husband attempted to communicate this with him before. At any rate, I’m trying my best to not make it about me or my fears but I’m on the hook for our financial stability right now and this is a lot.


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## PeachyKeen (Jan 19, 2014)

Cooper said:


> At the very least your husband and the kids need to go, the commitment was made and husband wants to attend. Frankly I believe down the road you will regret not going, take a bus or train if possible, your husband may be able to cash in your plane ticket and use the money to cover the hotel for a couple of nights. Find a way to make this work.


I agree that they should still attend at this point. I’m also willing to drive if it comes down to it because I know that this is important. It’s just a tough place to be in as the breadwinner.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why hasn't your husband gotten at least a part-time job to help out? He's known about the upcoming expenses for months, too.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

PeachyKeen said:


> I agree that they should still attend at this point. I’m also willing to drive if it comes down to it because I know that this is important. It’s just a tough place to be in as the breadwinner.


One thing you need to be careful of is projecting your fear of flying onto your children.I could quote you a long list of statistics proving that flying is safer than driving but I will quote just one.
You are more likely to die in a car crash on the way to an airport than when you are actually in an plane.
And I honestly think that your fear of flying is the main deterrent for you rather than the wedding expense.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Wow. Both your travel anxiety and your financial stresses are completely understandable - responding as someone who's been in this posiiton before.

You seem to have a great attitude about it all.


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## PeachyKeen (Jan 19, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Why hasn't your husband gotten at least a part-time job to help out? He's known about the upcoming expenses for months, too.


He recently started working as a sub. The money that he’s made so far is going towards catching up on his car note so there isn’t any extra money.


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## PeachyKeen (Jan 19, 2014)

minimalME said:


> Wow. Both your travel anxiety and your financial stresses are completely understandable - responding as someone who's been in this posiiton before.
> 
> You seem to have a great attitude about it all.


Thank you for understanding. It’s difficult for people who do not live with phobias to truly understand what it’s like to live through the nightmare of facing your phobia. Even if it doesn’t make sense to others, its still frightening.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

blondilocks said:


> why hasn't your husband gotten at least a part-time job to help out? He's known about the upcoming expenses for months, too.


this


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PeachyKeen said:


> Here’s the thing, we are behind on our bills and can’t afford to pay to travel/attend the wedding (airport parking, luggage fees, hair, nails, the bachelor party that my husband is in charge of, clothing to wear to the wedding, a wedding gift, etc.).


Your list is expenses here is interesting because many of them are not mandatory. 

airport parking - how many days will you all be gone for the wedding? An uber cab might be cheaper than airport parking.

luggage fees - what luggage fees? it's a weekend trip, right? each person can have a carryon bag. Doesn't the airlines allow at least one bag per person to be checked in if you need to do that?

hair & nails - you can go your own hair. your nails - you don't need a fancy nail manicure. Just make sure your nails are neat and clean. Natural nails are find. (I'm assuming this is for you not your husband and children)


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## PeachyKeen (Jan 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> PeachyKeen said:
> 
> 
> > Here’s the thing, we are behind on our bills and can’t afford to pay to travel/attend the wedding (airport parking, luggage fees, hair, nails, the bachelor party that my husband is in charge of, clothing to wear to the wedding, a wedding gift, etc.).
> ...


We live an hour and a half away from the airport so Uber will not be feasible. We’ll need 3 days of parking as the flight leaves early Friday morning and we come back on Sunday night. As for the airline, my MIL booked us on Frontier so we will have to pay to pick our seats as well as pay to check our luggage coming and going. We will not crunch our formal attire into a couple of backpacks so luggage is necessary.


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## SarcasticRed (Feb 21, 2018)

Your phobia of flying would have been an issue even if you bought the tickets before your husband lost his job. What would you have done if you could afford to fly? I understand having anxiety, but you must have had a plan before to handle the flight. I have Xanax type pills for severe situations and recommend talking to your doctor to see if something like that would be appropriate for you. 

Like Elegirl said, many costs are avoidable. Have a friend drive you to the airport. Use carry on only. Paint your own nails, do your own makeup and hair, wear a dress you already have. I assume the children's clothes are already purchased since they are in the wedding. Your husband's suit, it is unfortunate you had to buy it, but at least now he has another one for interviews. See if you can avoid renting a car by having someone pick you up at the airport. Book a hotel with a fridge and hit the grocery store so you don't have to eat out each meal. The longer you wait to book, the more expensive hotels will be. Or does your husband have family in the area you can stay with? Surely they know the situation and might be happy to help out. Skip the gift, for now, write a heartfelt card and give a gift when finances allow. 

Could his mom help out with other expenses? Or his brother?


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## PeachyKeen (Jan 19, 2014)

SarcasticRed said:


> Your phobia of flying would have been an issue even if you bought the tickets before your husband lost his job. What would you have done if you could afford to fly? I understand having anxiety, but you must have had a plan before to handle the flight. I have Xanax type pills for severe situations and recommend talking to your doctor to see if something like that would be appropriate for you.
> 
> Like Elegirl said, many costs are avoidable. Have a friend drive you to the airport. Use carry on only. Paint your own nails, do your own makeup and hair, wear a dress you already have. I assume the children's clothes are already purchased since they are in the wedding. Your husband's suit, it is unfortunate you had to buy it, but at least now he has another one for interviews. See if you can avoid renting a car by having someone pick you up at the airport. Book a hotel with a fridge and hit the grocery store so you don't have to eat out each meal. The longer you wait to book, the more expensive hotels will be. Or does your husband have family in the area you can stay with? Surely they know the situation and might be happy to help out. Skip the gift, for now, write a heartfelt card and give a gift when finances allow.
> 
> Could his mom help out with other expenses? Or his brother?


My plan was to not go. We typically drive to visit his family but because the wedding is happening during the school year, we didn’t want the kids to miss too many days of school by driving. Flying is the best mode of transportation in this case and because it is expensive and my fear is extreme, I planned to not go. My MIL insisted that we must all be there, which is why she took it upon herself to purchase the tickets last week.

I don’t think that I am properly illustrating our financial situation or my flight phobia. There is no extra money. None. Our bills exceed my income so there will be no hotel. We’ve had to rely on help from our parents to pay for the kids’ wedding attire. It is the end of the month, which means I’m literally down to my last dime. By canceling my flight, I hoped to be able to use the money to pay for remaining expenses, but as another poster mentioned, my MIL intends for this money to be used for the wedding so that may be an issue.

As for my phobia. I have literally canceled several flights over the years and left a job because the travel became too much. During weeks leading up to travel I experience an indescribable amount of fear, panic, and dread. I have literally canceled a flight on the night before and drove 18 hours alone down the east coast. I carry lots of guilt and shame about my fear, which my husband is well aware of. So my plan was to just avoid it altogether and save money at the same time. The combined stress of the travel and the uncertainty around my husband’s job situation is a lot to deal with. This is what I’ve been trying to convey.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Your stress is monumental and frustrating because your MIL in trying to help has contributed to your feelings of loss of control. I'm thinking you are feeling as the financial backbone right now, you should have been included in communication--maybe you and husband are on different pages.

I have been in dire financial straits in the past. It is scary. Is there anything you can sell or pawn? Temporary financial aid from church? 

Because this is long planned and family, your response to this event will be a family topic for years. You can overcome your anxiety. If there were an emergency and you HAD to fly, you would. Consider this to be an emergency. Prayers for Peace.


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## SarcasticRed (Feb 21, 2018)

PeachyKeen said:


> My plan was to not go. We typically drive to visit his family but because the wedding is happening during the school year, we didn’t want the kids to miss too many days of school by driving. Flying is the best mode of transportation in this case and because it is expensive and my fear is extreme, I planned to not go. My MIL insisted that we must all be there, which is why she took it upon herself to purchase the tickets last week.
> 
> I don’t think that I am properly illustrating our financial situation or my flight phobia. There is no extra money. None. Our bills exceed my income so there will be no hotel. We’ve had to rely on help from our parents to pay for the kids’ wedding attire. It is the end of the month, which means I’m literally down to my last dime. By canceling my flight, I hoped to be able to use the money to pay for remaining expenses, but as another poster mentioned, my MIL intends for this money to be used for the wedding so that may be an issue.
> 
> As for my phobia. I have literally canceled several flights over the years and left a job because the travel became too much. During weeks leading up to travel I experience an indescribable amount of fear, panic, and dread. I have literally canceled a flight on the night before and drove 18 hours alone down the east coast. I carry lots of guilt and shame about my fear, which my husband is well aware of. So my plan was to just avoid it altogether and save money at the same time. The combined stress of the travel and the uncertainty around my husband’s job situation is a lot to deal with. This is what I’ve been trying to convey.


Since you never planned to go, was that communicated to your husband's family before? If yes, and MIL still bought the tickets then I think it would be appropriate to say something along the lines of "you knew I was never planning to go. We need to cancel my ticket". You likely won't get the money back and would just have it transferred to another future flight, but it gets you off the hook and at least solves that part of the problem. 

Have your husband tell his mom/brother/family that you can't afford any part of the trip and see how they can help you out. If they really want your husband and children there, I bet they can figure out a way to make it free for them. If they can't help enough to make it doable, then you can't send them. It is really unfortunate that is the case, but sometimes things just can't be done. Money is a limiting factor for many things. While your worries about sending your husband and children on the flight alone is 100% understandable, that was going to be the situation even before your husband lost his job.

And if you haven't please do talk to your doctor when you can. Getting help for anxiety was life-changing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PeachyKeen said:


> My plan was to not go. We typically drive to visit his family but because the wedding is happening during the school year, we didn’t want the kids to miss too many days of school by driving. Flying is the best mode of transportation in this case and because it is expensive and my fear is extreme, I planned to not go. My MIL insisted that we must all be there, which is why she took it upon herself to purchase the tickets last week.
> 
> I don’t think that I am properly illustrating our financial situation or my flight phobia. There is no extra money. None. Our bills exceed my income so there will be no hotel. We’ve had to rely on help from our parents to pay for the kids’ wedding attire. It is the end of the month, which means I’m literally down to my last dime. By canceling my flight, I hoped to be able to use the money to pay for remaining expenses, but as another poster mentioned, my MIL intends for this money to be used for the wedding so that may be an issue.
> 
> As for my phobia. I have literally canceled several flights over the years and left a job because the travel became too much. During weeks leading up to travel I experience an indescribable amount of fear, panic, and dread. I have literally canceled a flight on the night before and drove 18 hours alone down the east coast. I carry lots of guilt and shame about my fear, which my husband is well aware of. So my plan was to just avoid it altogether and save money at the same time. The combined stress of the travel and the uncertainty around my husband’s job situation is a lot to deal with. This is what I’ve been trying to convey.


I think that if you are that tight financially it makes sense for you to cancel your own ticket and not go. The fear of flying phobia is secondary to that. That's if you can get the money from canceling your flight. You might not be able to.

If your husband has not adequately explained your financial problems to his mother and brother, perhaps you should do that. You could tell them that you are not going so that he and the children can go and be in the wedding. And be firm about it.

And please, do not put your phobia about flying on your children. Tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of people fly every day with no problem. It is safer to fly than to drive a car. More people die in car accidents every year than die in plan crashes.


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## PeachyKeen (Jan 19, 2014)

Once we realized that my husband’s job search was not going well, I suggested that he go alone and that the kids and I stay back. This was a couple of months ago. My husband decided to wait it out a bit, but eventually called his brother towards the end of August to let him know what was happening. His brother hung up the phone in his face because he was pissed. 

My husband later found out that several other family members canceled their plans to go to the wedding because they couldn’t afford to make the trip from the south to the north (though my husband’s immediate family lives in the Northeast, the majority of his extended family lives in the south). Because of this, my husband felt guilty and sort of out his head in the sand on the communication front. Realizing that there was no way that we could all afford to go, his mom decided to pull the trigger on getting us there. Though my husband told her that the kids and I were going to stay back, she urged us all to come because his brother couldn’t stand to have more family members cancel on him. So here we are today.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If your husband hasn't communicated to his mom just how bad your financial situation is then you need to do that for him. Today. Then she can decide if she's in a position to help with more than the tickets. But you need to talk to her and clear this up since apparently he can't. No money is no money and they all need to understand that. As for your phobia about flying, if you feel you absolutely can't fly and it's not possible to drive then you need to make that clear to her as well. It's very likely they will hold all of this against you and not him. And probably for years to come. Be prepared.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

And after all the dust settles, you and your H must have a conversation about his inability to stand up for himself and for you. His sticking his head in the sand has not served either of you well. I truly hope you get it worked out.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Everyone stop beating her up about fear of flying. Airplanes do crash occasionally, and when they do there are very rarely any survivors. Three minutes of terror followed by death by blunt force trauma, incineration or drowning. And they may not find enough of a person's body parts to identify them absent DNA. Trains also wreck but relatively few casualties even in serious crashes. In a car you can greatly reduce your chance of an accident below the so-called average by being a good, alert, cuatious driver and putting driving safety practices first. The statistical crap is propaganda put out by airlines. They multiply distance by passengers to get "passenger miles" a meaningless metric, becaus eairplane go so fast they cover a lot of distance. Instead, compare passenger survivors per incident, then see what is safe.

Do I fly on commercial aircraft? Yes, when that is the only practical way to get somewhere. From takeoff to landing I stay calm by putting my faith (and fate) in God's hands. If he calls me, then I will be prepared.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

PeachyKeen said:


> My brother in law (BIL) is getting married on Saturday. My husband is the best man, our 6 year old is the flower girl, and our 3 year old is the ring bearer. Here’s the catch.
> 
> My BIL lives a 2.5 hour flight away, about a 15 hour drive away. My husband lost his job in May and we’ve been barely getting by on my teacher salary, which means we couldn’t afford to fly. Months ago, I told my husband that he should go to the wedding alone because we could not afford for us all to go. When he expressed this to my BIL, he became upset and hung up the phone in his face, which made my husband feel guilty. I’m guessing that the guilt is because their father passed earlier this year and he wants to be supportive of his brother, rightfully so. About a week ago, my MIL came into some money and decided to purchase flight tickets for the 4 of us, totaling over $1000.
> 
> ...


@PeachyKeen Please try this fear of flying hypnosis session:- 




Hope it works for you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

While I do think the fear of flying is unreasonable, it's not the core issue. 

The real issue is as Lucy pointed out..... that your hb is unwillingly to deal with his family. 

His mother shouldn't have bought tickets without discussing all of the details with you guys. If she's out the money that's her problem. 

That combined with his brother hanging up on him tells me he's been walked on by his family for a long time. 

You guys need to have a long conversation about why he's willing to damage his wife and kids financially to placate his extended family.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I do think that your fear of flying is the main reason, you can do without most of the financial things you mentioned, but please don't inflict the fear on to your children. There is no reason at all why your husband and the children cant fly there. Maybe you can drive yourself instead or get a train or coach? After all it is his brother, not a distant relative. They have important parts to play in the wedding, so please don't stop them going.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

In the modern world, fear of flying is a serious disability. It not the fault of the person with the phobia, but it is significantly limiting and its worth a lot of effort to not pass it on to children.

Statistically flying on regularly scheduled air carriers is safer per mile than driving by a significant factor. It is safe enough to not be worth worrying about.

Small planes are much more dangerous (I'm a small plane pilot), and should not bundled with the regularly scheduled air carriers. 

Deaths per mile is a good measure since you are choosing between alternate means of transportation.







Edmund said:


> Everyone stop beating her up about fear of flying. Airplanes do crash occasionally, and when they do there are very rarely any survivors. Three minutes of terror followed by death by blunt force trauma, incineration or drowning. And they may not find enough of a person's body parts to identify them absent DNA. Trains also wreck but relatively few casualties even in serious crashes. In a car you can greatly reduce your chance of an accident below the so-called average by being a good, alert, cuatious driver and putting driving safety practices first. The statistical crap is propaganda put out by airlines. They multiply distance by passengers to get "passenger miles" a meaningless metric, becaus eairplane go so fast they cover a lot of distance. Instead, compare passenger survivors per incident, then see what is safe.
> 
> Do I fly on commercial aircraft? Yes, when that is the only practical way to get somewhere. From takeoff to landing I stay calm by putting my faith (and fate) in God's hands. If he calls me, then I will be prepared.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I hate big weddings because they turn into exercises in project planning. I think someone's financial situation is always a valid excuse for being unable to do something. It would have been better if they had giving warning earlier, but I still think it is OK to cancel.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

The bigger problem here in my opinion is not the wedding or flying. It's your husband's obvious lack of motivation. Substitute teaching is not a regular or predictable job. Not even for part time period why is he not also working retail or working at a grocery store? He doesn't need to sit home every day waiting for the phone to ring to substitute teach. Has he always been this unmotivated?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> The bigger problem here in my opinion is not the wedding or flying. It's your husband's obvious lack of motivation. Substitute teaching is not a regular or predictable job. Not even for part time period why is he not also working retail or working at a grocery store? He doesn't need to sit home every day waiting for the phone to ring to substitute teach. Has he always been this unmotivated?


I was wondering if maybe he's depressed?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

minimalME said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > The bigger problem here in my opinion is not the wedding or flying. It's your husband's obvious lack of motivation. Substitute teaching is not a regular or predictable job. Not even for part time period why is he not also working retail or working at a grocery store? He doesn't need to sit home every day waiting for the phone to ring to substitute teach. Has he always been this unmotivated?
> ...


 A may be depressed, but his children still need to eat. The worst thing you can do for depression is to sit at home alone obsessing about how badly life he is. As the former wife of a man who was depressed every time he repeatedly lost a job, I can say that depression doesn't pay the bills and it adds to the stress.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

My first thought is this: just because you're scared of something doesn't mean that you need to make your children scared of it as well. Flying can be super-fun, and it's MUCH safer than driving on city streets. Those ages are great for getting them accustomed to something like flying, too. 

So, you're deathly afraid of flying. Does your MIL know this? How about your BIL? If you're that scared, would it be okay for you to stay at home, but your husband and kids go since they're all in the wedding party? This is what I would probably choose to do. But, don't push your fear onto your kids. I remember once when I went to pet a larger strange dog. My Dad told me not to because he's afraid of large dogs. I told him that I'm frightened of enough things and that I don't need to also take on his fear.

That was really nice of your MIL to purchase tickets for the 4 of you! And, I would say that if you DO go, you really don't need to worry about getting a new outfit for the wedding; choose something appropriate from your closet. Your husband, okay, he'll have to wear what the rest of the men in the wedding party are wearing, as well as your kids. Also, you don't need to get your hair or nails done; just do them yourself. Even just a straightened 'do will do.

Also, tell your husband that he needs to get a job, and soon too.


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## PeachyKeen (Jan 19, 2014)

Ursula said:


> My first thought is this: just because you're scared of something doesn't mean that you need to make your children scared of it as well. Flying can be super-fun, and it's MUCH safer than driving on city streets. Those ages are great for getting them accustomed to something like flying, too.
> 
> So, you're deathly afraid of flying. Does your MIL know this? How about your BIL? If you're that scared, would it be okay for you to stay at home, but your husband and kids go since they're all in the wedding party? This is what I would probably choose to do. But, don't push your fear onto your kids. I remember once when I went to pet a larger strange dog. My Dad told me not to because he's afraid of large dogs. I told him that I'm frightened of enough things and that I don't need to also take on his fear.
> 
> ...


Yes, my MIL is aware of my phobia. She actually witnessed me cancel a flight on the night before it took off so that I could drive the 18-hour trip (one-way) instead. This was last year in the spring. Maybe that moment was forgettable. At any rate, I just wish that I was consulted with before the tickets were purchased.


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## PeachyKeen (Jan 19, 2014)

Thanks for all of your replies everyone. I’m still undecided about what I will do on Friday. I just know that I’ll be glad when this wedding is over so that I can be relieved of the anxiety, the pressure, and the panic attacks.

I think that my phobia is being exacerbated by the fact that I feel that I don’t feel in control. I have no control over my husband’s job situation, I live in constant anxiety over how we’re going to pay our bills, I feel guilty for not being able to do more for our kids, and this situation is making life painful. 

The flight tickets were booked without consulting me. I had no choice over the airline, the departure time, or the time coming back. We’re booked on an evening flight for Sunday and will get back late. I have to work on Monday morning and the kids have school on Monday morning. We live an hour and a half away from airport which means we’ll get home late. I wasn’t consulted about this. It was forced on me. I’m annoyed, I’m scared, I’m angry, and yet I’m being made to feel as though I’m selfish. 

I’m a fairly intelligent woman. If I could just think my phobia away by reading the endless statistics, I would. But that’s not how phobias work. I understand that car crashes happens more frequently. In fact, my family and I were hit by a semi-truck last summer. But guess what, we all walked away with minor back injuries. 

The point is that I get it. The pressure to just make it work to make everyone happy is what I’ve been doing for years. I’m tired.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@PeachyKeen … So how did things go this weekend?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I've noticed the OP cherry-picks the posts she wants to answer and ignores all the posts that rightfully say a good part of her stress is due to her husband's refusal to get a *real *job instead of sitting around the house every day hoping for the school to call because they need a substitute teacher. Since he has no problem at all sitting around all day while his wife pulls his weight FOR him, it's really not surprising that he also lacks the cajones to stand up to his brother and be honest with him about their situation.

Fear of flying is the* least *of the OP's problems.


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## PeachyKeen (Jan 19, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> @PeachyKeen … So how did things go this weekend?


Thanks for asking. We all attended the wedding. We spent money that we did not have on some unexpected travel expenses (had to rent a car because MIL and SIL were sharing a car and everyone had to be in different places at the same time, husband and son needed haircuts, had to buy food because MIL didn’t grocery shop before we came, etc.). To top it all off, a brawl broke out during the reception and it was nearly shut down after the police came to do a quick investigation over a gun threat. 

I’m glad that I was there and that I did not send my children without me. My MIL and SIL, both of whom were in the wedding, were all over the place and were not prepared to host our family after insisting that we all travel to the wedding. In fact, on the day of the wedding, my SIL literally handed her 1 year old daughter to me with a baby bag that had no diapers or clean bottles because she didn’t secure a babysitter before the wedding. I was caught off guard and never asked once if I was okay with looking after her little one during both the wedding and reception. 

I’m glad that I forced myself to face my fears and that I was able to be there to shield my kids from the chaos and remove them from the reception after the big “mishap” (this is how my 6 year old described it to my mom). What a hell of a weekend. Never again.


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## PeachyKeen (Jan 19, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I've noticed the OP cherry-picks the posts she wants to answer and ignores all the posts that rightfully say a good part of her stress is due to her husband's refusal to get a *real *job instead of sitting around the house every day hoping for the school to call because they need a substitute teacher. Since he has no problem at all sitting around all day while his wife pulls his weight FOR him, it's really not surprising that he also lacks the cajones to stand up to his brother and be honest with him about their situation.
> 
> Fear of flying is the* least *of the OP's problems.


Thanks for this feedback but it’s not entirely true. I posted a separate thread about my hisband’s job situation about a month ago and I didn’t find it valuable to continue that discussion in this thread, though it’s definitely relevant. To be clear though, our district has a shortage of subs so my husband works no less than 4-5 days a week. The system in our district is entirely online so subs are able to book their work week without having to wait for a call. 

At the time that I posted this thread, I was less concerned about his employment and more concerned about the communication problems that led to us ultimately spending unnecessary money and time this weekend. I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t feel stuck. I love my husband but the financial instability isn’t for me. Not really sure what I’ll do or even what my first steps should be. I have a lot to think about.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

I will say one thing about the fact that you went:

If you HADN'T gone, then every time you would have been able to overcome your flying fears and take a plane would be compared by your in-laws to the missed event.

"Well, she couldn't make it to the wedding because of her fear of flying, but that didn't stop her from flying for HER family's event."


So, as unrewarding as your experience was, at least you won't have to face this kind of scrutiny.


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## SarcasticRed (Feb 21, 2018)

Well, that it sounds incredibly stressful. 

I agree with @Wolfman1968 that this probably saved you from YEARS of comments about your absence.

Our sub system here sounds similar. We are very short subs and it is all online. Subs who want to can work nearly every day. While it isn't a lot, it does bring something. I hope your husband has better luck finding a full time job soon.


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