# How would you react?



## BbySlth (Jul 2, 2012)

My husband and I have an amazing relationship and we're very good about coming to a compromise when we have different opinions on a situation. But there's one situation that we continue to butt heads on and I would really love some advice from other women.

My husband didn't have the best family growing up. His mother was an addict and his father was always away working. His father would send money back home for the mother and she would spend it on drugs. My husband began working at 15 to help support his family and eventually his father began sending him the money when he realized his wife was using it for drugs. My husband's dad has had a lot of...issues keeping jobs and to be honest I'm not sure that I know the whole story. 

Now my husband opened a cell phone account when he was in boot camp {at age 18} and he placed his sister and father on that account because he wanted to keep in contact with them. {He was sent to one coast and they live on the other.} He has been paying for their phones ever since.

Now I'm torn. On on hand, I don't like spending the money on their phones when we could be saving it. I want to have children very soon, but insist on having money saved after knowing the struggles my mom when through. I also don't like helping them out all the time. I understand that life is hard and some events are out of peoples control. But both his sister and father have jobs now and should be able to pay for their own phones. Also, both have added apps which cost us monthly WITHOUT asking my husband if it was okay. My husband took finding this out at the phone store in stride while I was pissed. I feel as though they are taking advantage of him and I do not like it. I also feel some resentment towards them because of it and I know that if we weren't paying for their phones my relationship with his father would probably improve. I was raised in a home where if you couldn't afford something you didn't have it. I think the way I was raised and the way he was raised are why we have different opinions on this.

But on the other hand I love that my husband is the man that he is. He's a very giving person and I feel like if I appreciate that quality in him than I need to accept that this quality is why he is paying for their phones. The money isn't causing us issues right now {we can still pay our bills and have left over money} so part of me feels guilty for asking him to stop paying for their phones. I also feel like I'm just so tired of arguing about it that in an effort to just go back to enjoying our marriage I should let this issue go.

I was wondering what everyone else thought of this situation? If you were in it, would you continue to argue about it or just let it go?


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

I wouldn't "argue" persay but I would ask that some restrictions be placed. Are they smart phones or regular phones? You can limit a phone so that the only the main account holder (your husband) can make any purchases or downloads. And if they're smart phones- lol no. A regular cell phone line when added to a plan shouldn't be more than 25 bucks a month. If they're showing that they are saving money and trying to get their lives together (perhaps paying off credit cards, saving for school or a needed expense, etc.) then create a time frame with them where they expect to not need the help. If they're also buying needless things (which I suspect they are), then kindly point out to your husband that they are grown and need better money management skills, which you two could perhaps help them with, but just spoonfeeding them without requiring some conditions around this is promoting dependency. Your responsibility should be to family, but the most important unit is you and your husband, and if you're looking to have kids you will need every dime you can get. 

See if there's a way you two can work out with his family how to help without just throwing money at them.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

How would you feel if he was spending the same money visiting them, or if you were living in the same city/town taking them out to dinner? It's money he is spending to keep in touch with his family, obviously his family is very important to him. Yah, they added apps. Oh well. Lesson learned. Look at it this way, it's money your H is spending on something HE enjoys, which is to stay in touch with his family. The fact that they are getting something that most but not all people pay for themselves is just something that looms large in your perspective because you see that money as maybe going towards something that you want for yourself (money for a baby.) But really, it's money that your H spends on something that's just as important to him, people that already exist, who are close to him, vs. people that haven't yet been born. I know this might sound harsh, but he is close to his family, and what they may or may not have done in the past or may do in the future is his business, if he doesn't want to judge them then that's his call.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

There is another thread almost just like this--but it's a woman sending money to her dad.

Bottom line: stop supporting others. Esp. since they are adults who can support themselves. 

Find that thread and have him read it, b/c it says all you need to hear.


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## BbySlth (Jul 2, 2012)

heartsdelight said:


> I wouldn't "argue" persay but I would ask that some restrictions be placed. Are they smart phones or regular phones? You can limit a phone so that the only the main account holder (your husband) can make any purchases or downloads. And if they're smart phones- lol no. A regular cell phone line when added to a plan shouldn't be more than 25 bucks a month. If they're showing that they are saving money and trying to get their lives together (perhaps paying off credit cards, saving for school or a needed expense, etc.) then create a time frame with them where they expect to not need the help. If they're also buying needless things (which I suspect they are), then kindly point out to your husband that they are grown and need better money management skills, which you two could perhaps help them with, but just spoonfeeding them without requiring some conditions around this is promoting dependency. Your responsibility should be to family, but the most important unit is you and your husband, and if you're looking to have kids you will need every dime you can get.
> 
> See if there's a way you two can work out with his family how to help without just throwing money at them.


That's a very good idea. Thanks for the advice! Maybe I'll try to sit him down and calmly figure out a plan instead of just us arguing about it in circles. Also, they have smart phones which is why it's kind of expensive.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> How would you feel if he was spending the same money visiting them, or if you were living in the same city/town taking them out to dinner? It's money he is spending to keep in touch with his family, obviously his family is very important to him. Yah, they added apps. Oh well. Lesson learned. Look at it this way, it's money your H is spending on something HE enjoys, which is to stay in touch with his family. The fact that they are getting something that most but not all people pay for themselves is just something that looms large in your perspective because you see that money as maybe going towards something that you want for yourself (money for a baby.) But really, it's money that your H spends on something that's just as important to him, people that already exist, who are close to him, vs. people that haven't yet been born. I know this might sound harsh, but he is close to his family, and what they may or may not have done in the past or may do in the future is his business, if he doesn't want to judge them then that's his call.


I might be able to see your point if he ever talked to them. He talks to his dad maybe once every two months and he talks to his sister even less. They don't contact him either it's always him contacting them.

Also it's not his money it is our money that we both earned. As for taking them out to dinner or visiting them, we haven't been able to visit as he wants to because we can't save the money to do so. And if we lived close while we would see them more we wouldn't be taken them out on a daily basis, which is pretty much the rate we'd have to take them out at to equal the amount we have paid in their phone bills since we combined our finances.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

Family is hard to deal with in terms of money matters. Been there, done that. 

But they don't need smart phones. If they need you to pay for their phones, they can settle for a basic phone. At the very least knock their plans down to basic phones asap and get them off of administrative privileges or whatever so that they can download or spend money with it. The provider you use can help you with all this if you're not as savvy.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

He needs to take into consideration that you are his wife. you have a say in things.
i dont think he should still be paying for it.
he also shouldnt disregard your feelings in it.
but while he is still paying for it, yesthey are taking advantage of it.
they know he will pay it, and assume its ok for that reason.
i dont know honey. 
he really needs to accept your thoughts on it and realize they are grown and working. thats responsibility.


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## BbySlth (Jul 2, 2012)

PinkBeret said:


> How old is his sister? I don't see why they cannot pay for their own phones?
> 
> If the phones are not used to speak with your husband regularly, then are they used for their personal life?
> 
> I'm going to have to disagree with a couple posters here. I understand that spending money on something you enjoy is important, but to do something that people can do for themselves is not right.


I'm not sure her exact age, but she's younger than him so she's under 24 years old. She just got out of medical school and got her first real job at the hospital. We had planned to switch the phone to her, but than she got sick and they fired her for missing work due to having surgery. That's when I backed off and didn't ask about it until she got hired somewhere else. As for why they can't, I have no idea except that my husband's always done it so I doubt it crosses their mind. 

Personal life and his dad uses his for his work. 



heartsdelight said:


> Family is hard to deal with in terms of money matters. Been there, done that.
> 
> But they don't need smart phones. If they need you to pay for their phones, they can settle for a basic phone. At the very least knock their plans down to basic phones asap and get them off of administrative privileges or whatever so that they can download or spend money with it. The provider you use can help you with all this if you're not as savvy.


Thanks for the advice. I'm so not savvy with this stuff lol, but I'll have to look into that.



bkaydezz said:


> He needs to take into consideration that you are his wife. you have a say in things.
> i dont think he should still be paying for it.
> he also shouldnt disregard your feelings in it.
> but while he is still paying for it, yesthey are taking advantage of it.
> ...


Thanks! He's never really disregarded my feelings, I mean he's always listened to me and he understands where I'm coming from, but he's always taken care of them and he doesn't know anything else plus I think he's worried about their reaction if he choose to drop them from the plan.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It's time to compromise. Dump the expensive smart phones, and find a basic plan that's more affordable. My brother put me on his plan when he found out I didn't have a cell phone any longer. It was only $10 extra each month. I think you and your husband are having disagreements over the expense more than anything. Shop for something which is acceptable to both of you.


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## Max Demien (Jul 24, 2012)

You need to work out a compromise. You need to respect his desire to help his siblings, while he needs to respect your desire to save for the future. This is not the biggest issue you 2 will face in your marriage. Just wait til you have kids of your own!


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## srtjm (Jul 11, 2012)

How old Is his Dad.


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