# Hello my husband divorced me after 41 years of marriage



## Ivy-Josette

I’ve been grieving grieving and grieving today a friend said I should grieve 30 or 60 days and move on and now I’m mad at my friend I want my ex back my friend told me I had a soul tie what do you think


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## BeyondRepair007

Ivy-Josette said:


> I’ve been grieving grieving and grieving today a friend said I should grieve 30 or 60 days and move on and now I’m mad at my friend I want my ex back my friend told me I had a soul tie what do you think


Hi @Ivy-Josette , Welcome to TAM.
Yeah, your friend is wrong. Grief after divorce is normal and can take as long as it takes. There are no 30, 60 days rules. And there's no “normal” for this either. Everyone is different.

Grieve as you need to greive, but also try to take a positive step each day. Get out of the house, go for a walk, meet with some friends. It's hard to do but you need to keep trying. 

Keep your friends in your life, you need them. Your friend might be wrong about the timing, but it sounds like she has your best interest at heart.

Best of luck to you.


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## frenchpaddy

the amount of time you need to grieve is up to you as long as you know that grieving is for something you no longer have , in this time examine why you husband left and how what you learned from this time together , and look on it as not a wasted time but the good times you had what made them good and if you fell into a rut and started taking him for granted 

all so think of your independence both before the marriage and now and within a relationship 
I would not want you to be my wife if you thought That your place was dependent on me , I like a team even if both have their own jobs of even hobbies as long as the time together is together and not just house playing two people going in different directions,

your ex is an ex for a reason and is not coming back part of the early days of grieving is wishing you can get the dead back your are even willing to make a pact with the devil to get the dead back , but with time you will realise that the ex is not coming back and later you will not want them back


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## Jimi007

WHY...Did your husband divorce you ?


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## D0nnivain

Grief isn't measured on a calendar. It will take a long time to move forward from this divorce. You spent a lifetime with your EX & now you are stuck trying to figure out who you are at the twilight of your life as a single person. That is a HUGE change. But you need to think of it more like a death than a break up. For whatever reason after all these decades your EX is done. That is the reality you have to find a way to deal with. 

Consider a divorce support group. You need people who understand your level of loss. 

You also owe it to yourself not to wallow. Staying home, hiding away, crying isn't doing you any good & it won't change the reality. Soul tie or not, he's gone & you now have to operate as though he's not coming back. 

Take your time. Do this at your pace. But move forward. Good luck. Post as you need support. Read books about divorce, grief & loss but be kind to yourself. Self soothe constructively but remember the healing powers of ice cream.


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## AVR1962

Grieve and grieve some more, it is a much needed process. Talk to your friends and family who you can trust, gather those close to you for support. 
What was the reason your husband gave for wanting a divorce? Did you see this coming? Have you remained close or have you been living as roommates?


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## Evinrude58

Took me about 2 years to get over my ex wife, 3 years to get over my ex gf, or more.
It takes time. But until you start working toward building a new life, it gets better so slowly.


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## MattMatt

@Ivy-Josette I would recommend counselling for you.


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## *Deidre*

I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this  and agree with others. Grief is a process and you may have moments of grief forever, but it will likely feel differently as time goes on, than it does now. You had a very long marriage so it may take a while to process and heal. No one can tell you what you should or shouldn’t be feeling and for how long. Why did your husband decide to divorce you?


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## BigDaddyNY

Ivy-Josette said:


> I’ve been grieving grieving and grieving today a friend said I should grieve 30 or 60 days and move on and now I’m mad at my friend I want my ex back my friend told me I had a soul tie what do you think


I'm sure you love him with all your heart, but the sound mate is a myth. If there were some mystical connection, how could he leave? It will take time and counseling for yourself is a good idea. 

Was this divorce a surprise or a long time coming? What was the reason for the divorce?


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## Openminded

I don’t believe in soul mates so no to that. I was married for 45 years to a cheater and then I finally got out. I did all my grieving for a lost marriage long before I divorced him. You aren’t likely going to get him back so you need to decide what will make you happy going forward and work on getting there. Your life is far from over.


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## wmn1

not enough info to compute


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## Ivy-Josette

Thank you to everyone! Some asked why he left and others said he’s not coming back. It’s tough and rough. But u all understood the grieving part. I know my friend wants me better. Tonight I went to a Divorce Care group because I know I cannot burden my friend anymore. I hate being alone ; my ex and I had been in the worst of times but I thought we would come out of it. I was in therapy , he was drinking heavily and watching TV,
I still want him to come home.


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## BeyondRepair007

Ivy-Josette said:


> Thank you to everyone! Some asked why he left and others said he’s not coming back. It’s tough and rough. But u all understood the grieving part. I know my friend wants me better. Tonight I went to a Divorce Care group because I know I cannot burden my friend anymore. I hate being alone ; my ex and I had been in the worst of times but I thought we would come out of it. I was in therapy , he was drinking heavily and watching TV,
> I still want him to come home.


That’s a great first step, going to the Divorce Care group. How big was the group? Do you meet every week?

Having a safe space with others that have been through it can be very healing for you. Very much like TAM.

I wish you well Ivy.


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## Ivy-Josette

BeyondRepair007 said:


> That’s a great first step, going to the Divorce Care group. How big was the group? Do you meet every week?
> 
> Having a safe space with others that have been through it can be very healing for you. Very much like TAM.
> 
> I wish you well Ivy.


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## Ivy-Josette

Thank you so much. Tonight I was both angry and sad bc I am alone again and I am so upset about it. I cried a while but it doesn’t change anything. Funny thought when I was a little girl my daddy said be a big girl and I learned not to cry by the time I was about six and I was proud of it. I need to find something for Friday nights I am trying not to say God u know nothing better I’d coming. I have been unhappy for so long.


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## D0nnivain

You are allowed to cry. Tears are cathartic. 

If you don't want to be alone, it's time to take some steps to fill your life again. Going to the care group was a great step Now volunteer somewhere doing something you care about to widen your circle & keep yourself busy. Find ways to fill your days so you feel less lonely.


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