# Need help from a bipolar cheater...please



## lostagain! (Jul 31, 2012)

Ok, so I am on the receiving end of a cheating husband that I have been married to for 12 years and with for 13. I found out 11/17/2011 that he had been sleeping with other women since I moved in with him a year before we married. I told him he needed to seek help regarding what ever issue it was that drove him to this decision. He explained to me that the therapist after several sessions diagnosed him with Bi-polar disorder not to mention he also has ADD and suffered some PTSD from the Marine Corp. His "need" to be with other women was directly related to the Bi-polar disorder and not of his own free will. 

I sort of feel I have to raise the bulls**t flag on that simply because in the past I caught him have inappropriate conversations with other women and always told me that they were just that, CONVERSATIONS and that he was never having any sorta of PA with anyone of these god knows how many women for 12 years. 

So, my question is this. Is there anyone here on this board that has suffered from Bi-polar and has the need to partake in this particular behavior that would be willing to help me answer some questions that I just can't seem to get answered. I am at the point where I struggle with staying in this marriage and feel a compulsion to stay and help but torn by the fact that I have no trust and no confidence that the said behavior is something more then just Bi-polar. For the sake of my daughter, I could really use some help.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

You're right to call bull on bipolar being the "cause" of his cheating. Infidelity doesn't show up any where in the diagnostic criteria for the disorder.

One of the things that does show up however is hypersexuality. Basically when you're manic or hypomanic, your sex drive goes through the roof. That combined with the inflated self-image and the overall high-risk behavior can lead to cheating. It wouldn't be uncommon to see that. I liken it to alcoholics. It's pretty common for alcoholics to be late to work. But not all alcoholics are, in fact a lot of people who aren't alcoholics are often late to work. So even if you see it often, you can't really assume that just because someone is late to work that they can't help it because they're an alcoholic any more than you can assume they're an alcoholic at all just because they're late.

The other point that I would make is that underlying it all--unless you're talking about a true psychotic break--which typically land you dead or in a locked facility of some sort--people with bipolar disorder typically recognize that they are cycling and early on, can make choices about how to respond to situations. I've been diagnosed and medicated for just about ever now, but even before I was stabilized, I always, always knew that I was getting manic. I just really liked it, had no real consequences to my actions and so I kept doing whatever felt good right up until I'd crash out. Now I have considerably more to lose in life and work hard to stay more or less level. 

But then and now--whatever I do if I am hypomanic or manic, I still have to be accountable for and fix once I'm stable again. I haven't ever cheated beyond some outrageous flirting while I was married. However, I can tell you for dang sure that my credit card company doesn't give a fat poop about how much shopping I do because my mood is cycling--the bill is due. All of it. I've never gotten a discount or the debt forgiven just because I was "sick".

Cheating is cheating and it's ultimately a choice. He might be more susceptible to it because his diagnoses tend to have a high sex drive and poor impulse control associated with them. But if he's managed to do his time in the Marines and keep life going for more than a decade with you--employed, bills paid, etc.--then he's pretty likely to be choosing to cheat.

Sorry--no magic bullet or hall pass for having a poorly wired brain


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## lostagain! (Jul 31, 2012)

Thank you for that...I was afraid I knew that answer


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lostagain! said:


> Thank you for that...I was afraid I knew that answer


Pidge is an expert. She is bipolar and cheated.

Hopefully she can have something useful to add to this thread based on her personal experience.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I am not bi-polar but have had some bi-polar people in my life.'

What the therapist is saying is that his disorder drives him to do things that are risky. Risky activities cause certain brain chemistry which he is seeking out. Your husband seeks out affairs. Some bi-polar people seek out other risky behaviors. 

Is it out of his control? No. But it takes a very strong willed bi-polar person to not act out in some manner.

This disorder does not excuse his infidelity. He was aware that it was wrong behavior and thus he should have sought help for the inclination to do this. He wants to cheat, that's why he does it. He could have taken up sky diving to get his risky behavior fix.


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