# Marriage destroyed by wife's infidelity



## anotherbrokenguy

I've read so many sad stories here over the last month or so and I've decided it's time to add mine. Married 19 years with 2 kids (18 year old daughter and 16 year old son)

6 weeks ago my wife told me she's been cheating on me. I had been suspicious for sometime - I certainly knew something was horribly wrong in our marriage and that she had pushed me away emotionally. For some reason she decided to come clean -- sort of. To keep from dragging this out too much, I'll compress the details. She told me she'd been having an affair with a co-worker, but initially lied about the timeline and details. Over the next week, she told me the whole story and as it turns out, it was more than one affair. It was an affair 5 years ago with a co-worker that lasted a short time, her current affair with a co-worker that has lasted 3 years, and a one night stand on a business trip a year ago. Needless to say I am devastated, crushed, ripped apart. I was in no way prepared for that. It has been the worst 6 weeks of my life. She told me she had ended the affair and wanted to fix us. Not true. She has remained in contact with the current three year affair through WhatsApp. She changed jobs and moved away from where he works but.... what else is there to say. She hasn't stopped all contact, she has not provided transparency, she really has done nothing. She has begun individual counseling, we've gone to couples counseling twice, but I'm not sure she truly wants to work it out. I've been a complete mess. I'm all over the place. One minute I want to run and file for divorce, the next I can't imagine my life without her. I've told her I think we could get through this and I've also told her I want her out of the house. (She won't leave). I've begun intense counseling and have been reading everything I can get my hands on. I'm now at a place, 6 weeks in, where I feel like I can think a bit more clearly. She has moved into the spare room so we are in different rooms at least, but for most of the time over the last few weeks I have followed her around trying to get her to talk and explain to me, and beg me for forgiveness, etc. of course that pushed her away further. I have for the past few days tried to seriously implement a 180. I'm only moderately successful so far. I do love her, but I don't think I can get over this - I don't think she wants me too, even though she says she's done with the other guy and never wants to be with him ( he's married with two kids, and yes his wife now knows about the affair). I just don't know what to do. I definitely want to get past Christmas before I do anything, but then what? This sucks soooo badly. I can't imagine starting over at 48 years old. I can't imagine finding happiness with someone else. I also can't imagine staying with my wife after the pain she has caused me and I'm not sure she really wants to stay either. I know the outcome of this, I just don't want to accept it. Man I was (still am) in love with her. I obviously did not get everything right in our marriage, but WTF!? By the way, if anyone has read No More Mr Nice Guy, that book is like a blueprint of me. I'm working through that in counseling. I can definitely see my contribution throughout our marriage to her unhappiness - I'm in no way excusing what she did - just trying to be honest with myself about my short comings in our relationship. So in summary, self reflection and counseling, hitting the gym like crazy, trying the 180, still completely miserable and don't know what to do. I never imagined my life would be like this.


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## snerg

SO if I'm reading this correctly, 3 affairs?

one 1 night stand.
One short lived affair (probably a year)
One long term (at least 3 years).

And this is what she's admitting to. So at least 20% of you marriage together has been her cheating.
And now she's not doing any of the necessary heavy lifting to"fix" this marriage?


Time for some brutality.
You're married to a serial cheat. She can't stop cheating nor will she.She is incapable of stopping.

If you stay with her, you will have nothing but heart ache, pain and suffering.

Here's a thought if you stay with her (not sure who originally wrote this but it gets right to the core):
Gee, thanks a whole heck of a lot for that. So instead of leaving me so that you could be with someone who was just as big of a scumbag as yourself and so that I could be free to find someone decent who would do right by me, it was sooooo much better for me that you stayed so that I could waste years of my life that I will never get back in order to continue being with a lying cheater who didn't deserve me. 

Thanks a whole hell of a lot for that since being with a lying cheater is such a freaking awesome prize and an awesome reward for all of my years of loyalty, dedication, love, and sacrifices. 

Yep, I hit the lying, cheating jackpot when I got to keep such a special prize as you.

Why stay?
Why allow her to disrespect you?
Why allow yourself to be treated like this?
Why listen to another lie?

1) First and foremost, your spouse is a person of low character (I would prefer to say pig, but that might be too "mean")
2) Second - The affair is not nor will it ever be your fault
3) Lawyer. Today. Know your rights. Start the Divorce. Start to get primary rights to your kids
4) Doctor - get STD/STI/HIV tests started. You life depends on it!
5) Counselor for you. One that has experience with infidelity. You're going to need to talk with someone about this
6) Eat.
7) Sleep (at least 8 hours a night if possible)
8) Drink water (avoid alcohol at this point, it won't help)
9) Get to gym and start working out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul
10) Start to separate funds
11) 180 like your life depended on it.
12) DNA your kids. Not so much to see if they are yours (hopefully they are), but to show her that you can't trust anything about her
13) Expose. Lies thrive in the dark.


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## Marc878

Serial cheaters never stop.

Quit being a doormat and get on with your life or you'll just live as you are.

Her affairs are 100% on her. How you're handling this is on you.

Wait til after Christmas is just an excuse to do nothing.

How do you know other mans wife knows?

I'll bet she doesn't. Tell her now!!!! That's your first step


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## GusPolinski

Serial cheaters don’t stop cheating until they stop breathing.

Plus she’s still in contact with at least one of her APs?

Nothing to save here, and the sooner you realize that, the better.

Do yourself a huge favor and file for divorce ASAP.


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## sokillme

Dude what is there to save. Your wife is a phony and a scam artist. 48 years old is young, that is a guys prime still. There are good women out there. You can find one and have a good relationship for the rest of your life. 

Look you have two choices, 1 year of intense pain where you detach and at the end of it you will wonder why you ever wanted to stay, you will also think that your marriage wasn't as good as you thought. You will think why I put up with it for so long. 

Or you can stay with this serial cheater who probably cheated on you more then just these two times and probably will for the rest of your life. You wife is like a burned out drug addict. You need to start seeing her this way. She is just not marriage material. Unfortunately you marred a person that is really only good for partying with and having fun with. 

Or you can open your marriage since you have been living in an open marriage anyway. The problem with that is you seem like the monogamous type and being in an open marriage is going to prevent you from finding the kind of women who you might want to move on with. 

Work on getting strong so you can move on. Toxic people make for toxic lives.

OK I said all that because that is my usual advice (it's good advice too) but lets get down to what your real problem is. It's what has been your problem for awhile, it's why you resonate with that book. Your problem is fear. You have always been afraid of losing her and it has been the motivation in all your actions. It also makes you an easy target for women who will cheat. It also will drive away women who are not cheaters because they will be attracted to assertiveness. Worst of all your fear has got you desperately holding on to a women who treated you terribly. 

You need to break the cycle. The good news is this is the kind of thing that if you learn to get strength from it you will never have this kind of fear of losing someone again. It will change your whole life. 

Look buddy I am SO sure that if you move on (assuming you learn to fix some of your passivity and codependency) you will be happier then you ever thought you could be and you will have joy again that I am willing to bet my house on it. I am telling you you can read story after story about that. I and SO many of us went through it.

I remember when my first love cheated on me. I had just proposed to her. She was the only girl I ever loved and it had taken me to my mid 20's to find her. I loved this women with my whole heart and she had shown no signs of cheating. I was never a "nice guy" codependency type though, but still she did it when she went on a trip. But here is the deal I had never been in love before and was convinced without a shadow of a doubt that I would never love like that again, that if I gave her up I was basically going to be alone for the rest of my life. 

The thing was for me I couldn't see myself being with someone who cheated on me, so that is a little different but still I recognized that what we had would never be the same. What is the same in the story with you and I is I knew KNEW I would never have love again. I remember asking people, will I really love again? Am I really going to get over this? They all like me now said yes, and I thought all of them just didn't have a love like I did. 

So I did the bravest thing I think I ever did in my whole life, I ghosted. I knew I would never love again but for my own sanity and out of self respect I gave up on the thought of love and happiness. The first month was the most painful of my entire life. Even moment was excruciating. I like you felt so hopeless. However every month saw the pain get less and less. By a year I was no longer in pain and the girl was just a thought I had for a few moments every day. By two years I was dating and because of my experience of being in love I had a lot more confidence this time. So I was having much more success. At two in a half years I met my wife. We have been married 14 years. 

I married a women who my ex isn't even fit to be in the same room with. I married pretty much one of the best people I know. Our marriage isn't perfect but together we have made a great life. But saying all that if she cheated on me tomorrow, I would be fine. I would hurt for a year, start to date, (you know the story.) This is why I say this process is going to change you and fix some of that fear problem you have, assuming you think about it the right way.

I remember when I was going through it my Mom who has had quite a lot of heartbreak said to me "look you are going to get through this, but remember the most important thing to learn from this is, you will never have a harder relationship in your life to get through, because it's your first one and you have to do the whole thing acting on faith, but if you can get through this one you can get through anything". See that is the difference now, now I know it couldn't be harder then the first one, and I am fine. I can get through any pain because it is not possible to have worse because that was pain and hopelessness. I will always know there is hope now. 

Dude see this as emotional boot camp. This whole thing is part of the process of you getting strong, if you let it be. I promise you YOU WILL HAVE JOY AGAIN. There is happiness out there for you. You will find love again. But you have to leave this toxic women to get it. This is detox, emotional boot camp, chemotherapy. Yes you are going to suffer for a while, but there is freedom waiting on the other side. 

Cry, rage, post on here, but keep moving forward. Be brave brother, have courage move on and you will find a better life.


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## TX-SC

Your marriage has been one big cheating episode. What the heck is there to save?

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## drifting on

Anotherbrokenguy 

I would be lying if I didn’t say to follow Gus’s advice above, there’s no hope if she is in contact. Tell her you are telling the kids, her parents and your parents. File for divorce and tell her all communication is to be in email only. If she talks you can hand her your lawyers business card, then tell her to contact him since she doesn’t understand you. Quickly get her to sign agreements that are in your favor, separate financials TODAY. Do not wait, she doesn’t have the best interests for you or the kids. Get a car and cameras to put in the house. Not your kids rooms or bathrooms, but common areas of the house. This will protect you from falsified claims of abuse, also get a voice activated recorder and have it in your pocket at all times. Others will help with other measures you need to implement.


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## Thor

If you have diffiulty picturing starting over qt 48, how about at 58?

Your wife ia nor who you think she is. Not who you have believed you were married to for decades. She is someone completely different. THe woman you love does not exist. Maybe she did way back when, but that is not likely. She has always had this hidden sidde you never imagined could exist.

Divorce is not ideal, but it isn't nearly as bad as you probably imagine. There are so many good experiences out there waiting for you! You can't have the life you have assumed you would, but you can have a fantastic life from here on out.

I have to wonder why she voluntarily came forward now. Either someone was about to out her to you, or she decided it was time to end the marriage. Maybe she doesn't have the guts to say she wants a divorce, so she unloaded the affairs on you to force you t9 be the bad guy.


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## Malaise

Given her history of serial cheating I have to ask : do your kids look like you?


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## Rhubarb

anotherbrokenguy said:


> I can't imagine starting over at 48 years old.


I started over at 51. I'm now happily remarried to a fantastic woman. What's your problem?...... Personally I think you are doing some things wrong. I made the same mistakes at first. Even if you want to stay married (IMO a bad idea), you should totally act like you don't. In order for this to have any chance of working she has to own everything and she won't do that as long as you are showing any signs of weakness. You need to proceed as if you are going to get a divorce. Show no mercy. That's not to say you should do anything illegal, but just don't give her any leeway. If she then comes back and begs you to reconsider you can (against better judgement) at that point lay down the law and let her know what she will need to do if you are going to stay married. DON'T MAKE IT EASY!. On the other hand If she lets you go though with the divorce without much resistance, that should tell you something. In that case you should get off your a**, start hitting the gym (a good idea regardless if you don't already), buy some smart new cloths and don't look back. 

Also IMO counseling is a waste of time and money. Spend it on a lawyer.


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## SunCMars

I look at this differently.
No, not really.

Because of her, you now get to live two lives, instead of one.

Her, your wayward wife? She has lived more than one life, likely three or four. But her lives were half-lives. Your marriage did not decay to nothing because only she knew.
She fessed up to you because she wants you to pull the plug. She only has the nerve to remove her mind from the marriage, and her body for short sprints under strange sheets.

You have been given a new life.
Take it and enjoy it.

Just Sayin'


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## anotherbrokenguy

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to provide comments. In my mind I realize the situation I'm in and what I need to do. In my heart, I'm still grieving for the loss of what I believed my life to be. Everyday is constant pain. My mind is in overdrive and I can't concentrate for more than 10 seconds. Everyday does get a little better, but it still feels like this will never end. I know that as much as I wish I could totally forgive her and build a better marriage from the ashes of this one, that will never happen. She won't do even the most basic steps to work on things, and she'll never do all the things I would require to even remotely trust her. Yes, I fully realize what that means, she does not want to save the marriage. She's forcing me to do what she should have done 5 years ago. My problem now is she won't leave. We've talked about separation, but she thinks I should move out. I refuse to - she refuses to - so we're stuck in the same house, "separated", but living together. I hate it. She makes decent money, plus she's going to get a portion of my military retirement, so she can easily afford to move out. She just thinks she should get the house. I refuse to let that happen. Maybe I'm just being stubborn and not thinking clearly, but I believe she should suffer the consequences of her actions and I shouldn't have to suffer anymore. All this makes my brain hurt and I don't think I'm clear enough in the head "or heart" to make good decisions right now. On another note, a few people mentioned genetic testing for my kids. We had to have that done for my daughter a few years ago for some medical issues, and I just tested my son a few weeks ago. They are mine so that's one issue I can put to rest. I need to get tested for STDs. Oh, one other point. Someone said thy wondered what prompted her to tell me. She had broken it off with the other guy and he got mad at her and reached out to her brother ( very strange) and told her he was reaching out to me so she had to do it first. He did reach out to me by the way. He's a very strange and broken person, filled with hate and anger. I still can't believe this is my life.............


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## snerg

As I advised you in my first post.

Contact a lawyer today. You need to start the process in finding a shark lawyer that will:
1) Help you get the divorce going
2) Help you to protect all your assets
3) Help you to get her out of your life


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## GusPolinski

So do an in-house separation and let the divorce judge decide who gets the house.

In the meantime, maybe take the marital bed — frame, headboard, footboard, box springs, mattresses, all of it — out into the front yard and dump it on the curb in a big, messy pile next to the trash cans.

When neighbors stop to ask you what’s going on, tell them very simply (and a little loudly) that you’ve discovered that your wife is a serial cheat and that you no longer have need of a marital bed.

Might not be long before she decides she doesn’t want the house after all.


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## Satya

I agree with Gus. Let the judge decide what happens to the house. Find separate living rooms and get a lock for your door. 

You can do things stoic and diplomatically, and you should, but make no mistake, you're enemies now. No emotion, no fighting. Carry on doing fun things in your life that bring you happiness. 

And never forget that if not for the OM threatening to blackmail her, you'd probably never have known. That shows you how much she respects you. Hint: zero. And how much she respects her reputation. Hint: 100.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

You have been given excellent advice. Divorce her and fast. Don't move out. I personally like Gus's last advice to get her to move. I might also add a billboard on her way to work with a big picture of her and a caption that says "Say Hi to a 3 time cheating wife who thinks I should move so she can have the house. Not HAPPENING!"


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## Thor

Abg, I am 57 and divorced for about a year. We separated about a year prior to that, an in-house separation. At first sort of an attempt to fix the marriage, though after many various events the final straw which led to the separation was pretty obviously the death knell.

I had all the same thoughts and grieving you are describing. You are going through completely normal feelings. Here are some thoughts from someone recently in your shoes.

1. Take action towards your divorce. Action will give you comfort that you have some control over your life and future. This is important after discovering how your stbxw stole your right to make informed decisions about your own life. Be sure to follow the advice of your lawyer.

2. Yes, you are grieving several losses. What sucked the most for me was not being able to talk to my best friend about it, as she was the one who committed the betrayals.

3. Your kids are going to be fine. They are busy with their own lives, and as long as you maintain normal honest communications with them, they will be fine. My daughters, in their mid to late 20's, have been very protective of me, and very supportive of me. My son is in college and is doing his own thing, but he does make an effort to keep in touch. I have been honest with them but not dragged them into the marital conflicts. Treat your kids as adults.

4. You are an imperfect spouse, but ... You are not in any way responsible for your wife's betrayals. Don't beat yourself up. A dishonest betrayer set out to intentionally deceive you.

5. Life after divorce is very good. You now have the freedom to follow your own passions and keep your own schedule. Take full advantage of all the opportunities out there. You will be surprised how much the world has changed and how much there is to do.

6. You will be in high demand with women! Have no worries about being able to have whatever kinds of relationships you may want. So, relax! When you're ready to date or socialize, you'll have plenty of great options.

7. You will see more and more how broken your stbxw is.


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## Pepe1970

snerg said:


> SO if I'm reading this correctly, 3 affairs?
> 
> one 1 night stand.
> One short lived affair (probably a year)
> One long term (at least 3 years).
> 
> And this is what she's admitting to. So at least 20% of you marriage together has been her cheating.
> And now she's not doing any of the necessary heavy lifting to"fix" this marriage?
> 
> 
> Time for some brutality.
> You're married to a serial cheat. She can't stop cheating nor will she.She is incapable of stopping.
> 
> If you stay with her, you will have nothing but heart ache, pain and suffering.
> 
> Here's a thought if you stay with her (not sure who originally wrote this but it gets right to the core):
> Gee, thanks a whole heck of a lot for that. So instead of leaving me so that you could be with someone who was just as big of a scumbag as yourself and so that I could be free to find someone decent who would do right by me, it was sooooo much better for me that you stayed so that I could waste years of my life that I will never get back in order to continue being with a lying cheater who didn't deserve me.
> 
> Thanks a whole hell of a lot for that since being with a lying cheater is such a freaking awesome prize and an awesome reward for all of my years of loyalty, dedication, love, and sacrifices.
> 
> Yep, I hit the lying, cheating jackpot when I got to keep such a special prize as you.
> 
> Why stay?
> Why allow her to disrespect you?
> Why allow yourself to be treated like this?
> Why listen to another lie?
> 
> 1) First and foremost, your spouse is a person of low character (I would prefer to say pig, but that might be too "mean")
> 2) Second - The affair is not nor will it ever be your fault
> 3) Lawyer. Today. Know your rights. Start the Divorce. Start to get primary rights to your kids
> 4) Doctor - get STD/STI/HIV tests started. You life depends on it!
> 5) Counselor for you. One that has experience with infidelity. You're going to need to talk with someone about this
> 6) Eat.
> 7) Sleep (at least 8 hours a night if possible)
> 8) Drink water (avoid alcohol at this point, it won't help)
> 9) Get to gym and start working out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul
> 10) Start to separate funds
> 11) 180 like your life depended on it.
> 12) DNA your kids. Not so much to see if they are yours (hopefully they are), but to show her that you can't trust anything about her
> 13) Expose. Lies thrive in the dark.


Question
What's the 180?
I've seen many posts mentioned this and I have to ask

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## Taxman

I am in the divorce industry, and I have had clients start over in their 70's. In your 50's you can still attract women of all ages. Why would you stay with an obvious serial cheater. It is absolutely endemic to females in affairs, especially serial cheaters, that tear down their husbands to the point that they are convinced that they cannot attract another woman. That is absolute bullcrap. The demographics of North America show more single women than men. Numbers are in your favor. Do yourself a great turn, put yourself out there. Hit the gym, get a new wardrobe, you will make yourself very happy. Why live in misery? Your wife is not worth a piece of used toilet paper. In fact she is the brown stain on the toilet paper.

I saw this elsewhere, but a couple such as you and your wife broke up, next time the cheating wife saw him, he was with his new fiance. She was younger, taller, prettier, everything the wife was not. She was sitting there with her AP, he had not committed to her, as he was still married, ten years older, not as well fixed, short, fat and bald. His parting shot to his exWW: "It is true, they DO really affair down". Her parting words to him:"Fvck off".


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## bigfoot

I am not trying to be mean, but when you said, "I can't believe this is my life", let's be honest. She's a repeat cheater and you knew that. Perhaps you can't believe this is still your life. YOU need to take action. Now, here are some points.

1. You are better off at 48 ending this than being 53 or 63, even though ending it at anytime and any age is better. Age is not a prison.

2. Stop trying to compare a new life with some imaginary new person to the old one. That keeps you scared and is not real. End this and get to know yourself. There is no rush to get involved again. You have been married so long that you don't know how to be unmarried ...yet. 

3. She has you under her thumb and knows it. She didn't leave, even if just for a week or weekend!? That's like a big FU to you.

4. Holidays schmolidays. Blow it up. It's on her. You not wanting to "ruin" things makes it sound like this is the only holiday ever and it is like a robbery victim not shouting for help because they don't want to interrupt dinner. It is all her fault. Blame her, flame her, whatever. She is not playing nice with you. Like not even a little bit.

5. Move in a ending this sham of a marriage and don't change for at least 30 days. Get used to the feeling. Get used to the fear. You can change, but go hard for 30 days. It takes that long for you to form a ha it and break your old Mr. Nice guy habits.

6. Buckle up cause it's gonna get rougher. No matter what.


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## Malaise

Pepe1970 said:


> Question
> What's the 180?
> I've seen many posts mentioned this and I have to ask
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


The Healing Heart: The 180


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## arbitrator

anotherbrokenguy said:


> I've read so many sad stories here over the last month or so and I've decided it's time to add mine. Married 19 years with 2 kids (18 year old daughter and 16 year old son)
> 
> 6 weeks ago my wife told me she's been cheating on me. I had been suspicious for sometime - I certainly knew something was horribly wrong in our marriage and that she had pushed me away emotionally. For some reason she decided to come clean -- sort of. To keep from dragging this out too much, I'll compress the details. She told me she'd been having an affair with a co-worker, but initially lied about the timeline and details. Over the next week, she told me the whole story and as it turns out, it was more than one affair. It was an affair 5 years ago with a co-worker that lasted a short time, her current affair with a co-worker that has lasted 3 years, and a one night stand on a business trip a year ago. Needless to say I am devastated, crushed, ripped apart. I was in no way prepared for that. It has been the worst 6 weeks of my life. She told me she had ended the affair and wanted to fix us. Not true. She has remained in contact with the current three year affair through WhatsApp. She changed jobs and moved away from where he works but.... what else is there to say. She hasn't stopped all contact, she has not provided transparency, she really has done nothing. She has begun individual counseling, we've gone to couples counseling twice, but I'm not sure she truly wants to work it out. I've been a complete mess. I'm all over the place. One minute I want to run and file for divorce, the next I can't imagine my life without her. I've told her I think we could get through this and I've also told her I want her out of the house. (She won't leave). I've begun intense counseling and have been reading everything I can get my hands on. I'm now at a place, 6 weeks in, where I feel like I can think a bit more clearly. She has moved into the spare room so we are in different rooms at least, but for most of the time over the last few weeks I have followed her around trying to get her to talk and explain to me, and beg me for forgiveness, etc. of course that pushed her away further. I have for the past few days tried to seriously implement a 180. I'm only moderately successful so far. I do love her, but I don't think I can get over this - I don't think she wants me too, even though she says she's done with the other guy and never wants to be with him ( he's married with two kids, and yes his wife now knows about the affair). I just don't know what to do. I definitely want to get past Christmas before I do anything, but then what? This sucks soooo badly. I can't imagine starting over at 48 years old. I can't imagine finding happiness with someone else. I also can't imagine staying with my wife after the pain she has caused me and I'm not sure she really wants to stay either. I know the outcome of this, I just don't want to accept it. Man I was (still am) in love with her. I obviously did not get everything right in our marriage, but WTF!? By the way, if anyone has read No More Mr Nice Guy, that book is like a blueprint of me. I'm working through that in counseling. I can definitely see my contribution throughout our marriage to her unhappiness - I'm in no way excusing what she did - just trying to be honest with myself about my short comings in our relationship. So in summary, self reflection and counseling, hitting the gym like crazy, trying the 180, still completely miserable and don't know what to do. I never imagined my life would be like this.


*It’s more than apparent that you are little more than your W’s “Plan B,” despite all of her cheating, deception, and corroborating lies! She has no respect for you or anyone other than those who inexplicably pry her loins apart!

You need to get yourself to a good family lawyer to have them help you explore all of your remedies for custody and property rights! But before doing that, you need to fastly execute “the 180!”*


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## SunCMars

No comfort.

Being in the military all those years...
I witnessed this cheating first hand..

I never bit, stayed true.
But I have bite marks on my soul.


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## x598

the fact that she wont move out tells you EVERYTHING you need to know about your wife's state of mind.........she is unable to accept ANY real or significant consequences for her actions. This simply means you have been a door mat for way to long, she knows it, and that behavior isnt going to change. sure, she may SOUND remorseful in conversation......but its all just for show and deep down nothing has or will change. if you stay with her.......she will cheat again.


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## TX-SC

See a lawyer and figure out what your real options are. You are entitled to half of the assets, and that includes half of the house. She either has to buy you out, you buy her out, or sell it and split the equity.

Regardless, the marriage is over, so see a lawyer so you know what to expect.

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## Ghost Rider

anotherbrokenguy said:


> In my mind I realize the situation I'm in and what I need to do. In my heart, I'm still grieving for the loss of what I believed my life to be. Everyday is constant pain. My mind is in overdrive and I can't concentrate for more than 10 seconds. Everyday does get a little better, but it still feels like this will never end.


In this regard, you just need time. You are still in the shock phase. You are grieving the loss of your marriage and wife you thought you had. There's no switch you can just throw to magically get over it. Take all the time you need. The advice you are getting is fine, but there is no need to rush to implement it. it really does take some time to just deal with the pain it causes you.


----------



## Chaparral

Have you told Your kids?
Have you separated all financial ties? It’s shocking how many waywards manage to empty bank accts, run up credit card debt etc.
It doesn’t sound like there is any thing to save here. Imagine all the grief she has put you through and how great it will be when it’s all behind you. What you fear is losing the battle. Moving away from a disaster is how you score a win.
Since you read NMMNG the next book you need to read is MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER. This for when you start dating. At this point you already need to be going out even if it’s just to be out of the house. Be clothes, new hairdo etc. Gym is a must. Weight lifting is best as the chemicals released help and you can’t think of bad things and still balance weights.

Be sure and google serial cheaters. Everyone is telling you serial cheats don’t stop. Serial cheaters are broken compared to the rest of us. They are hardwired to cheat. It’s just their mental condition. She sees herself as the normal one. She sees you as a rug.


----------



## MovingForward

anotherbrokenguy said:


> I've read so many sad stories here over the last month or so and I've decided it's time to add mine. Married 19 years with 2 kids (18 year old daughter and 16 year old son)
> 
> *I've been a complete mess. I'm all over the place. One minute I want to run and file for divorce, the next I can't imagine my life without her.*
> 
> Not surprising your security blanket has been ripped away and left you in a state of panic and devastation.
> 
> *I've told her I think we could get through this and I've also told her I want her out of the house. (She won't leave). I've begun intense counseling and have been reading everything I can get my hands on. I'm now at a place, 6 weeks in, where I feel like I can think a bit more clearly. She has moved into the spare room so we are in different rooms at least, but for most of the time over the last few weeks I have followed her around trying to get her to talk and explain to me, and beg me for forgiveness, etc. of course that pushed her away further*.
> 
> She is the one in the wrong, she is the one who should be trying and you are the one who should have all the decision on whether she stays or go's or you stay together, take back your power or your going to dwell in misery for a long time.
> 
> *I have for the past few days tried to seriously implement a 180. I'm only moderately successful so far.*
> 
> You have not been successful at all, you do it or you dont its that simple, if you do it correctly you will feel so much better and you will recover from this faster. Side effect it also may make your wife want to really work on things and regret but that is for later on, as it stands today you need to get yourself in a better place and ignore her and not focus on her at all, it's all about you.
> 
> *
> I do love her, but I don't think I can get over this - I don't think she wants me too, even though she says she's done with the other guy and never wants to be with him ( he's married with two kids, and yes his wife now knows about the affair). I just don't know what to do. *
> 
> File for Divorce
> 
> * I can't imagine starting over at 48 years old. I can't imagine finding happiness with someone else*.
> 
> You will be fine and you will find happiness with someone else once you get your head right again, i thought same and I have never been happier, i was even happier single than I was married i just did not see it at the time.
> 
> *I also can't imagine staying with my wife after the pain she has caused me and I'm not sure she really wants to stay either. *
> 
> You do not have to and she does not deserve you to!!!!
> 
> *I know the outcome of this, I just don't want to accept it. Man I was (still am) in love with her.*
> 
> As someone told me and it was correct and could be in your case, you are in love with the marriage and the idea of that and the security of it.
> 
> *I obviously did not get everything right in our marriage, but WTF!? By the way, if anyone has read No More Mr Nice Guy, that book is like a blueprint of me. I'm working through that in counseling. I can definitely see my contribution throughout our marriage to her unhappiness - I'm in no way excusing what she did - just trying to be honest with myself about my short comings in our relationship.*
> 
> Everyone can be better but do not be too hard on yourself, nothing you could have done excused her behavior it was all on her.
> *
> So in summary, self reflection and counseling, hitting the gym like crazy, trying the 180, still completely miserable and don't know what to do. I never imagined my life would be like this.*
> 
> No one does and you are still miserable because you are not doing the 180, you will be miserable for a while but as you start moving on in your life you will start to realize things were not as great as you thought and find a new probably much better happy





snerg said:


> *Time for some brutality.
> You're married to a serial cheat. She can't stop cheating nor will she.She is incapable of stopping.*
> *
> If you stay with her, you will have nothing but heart ache, pain and suffering.
> *
> Why stay?
> Why allow her to disrespect you?
> Why allow yourself to be treated like this?
> Why listen to another lie?[/B]
> 
> *1) First and foremost, your spouse is a person of low character (I would prefer to say pig, but that might be too "mean")
> 2) Second - The affair is not nor will it ever be your fault
> 3) Lawyer. Today. Know your rights. Start the Divorce. Start to get primary rights to your kids
> 4) Doctor - get STD/STI/HIV tests started. You life depends on it!
> 5) Counselor for you. One that has experience with infidelity. You're going to need to talk with someone about this
> 6) Eat.
> 7) Sleep (at least 8 hours a night if possible)
> 8) Drink water (avoid alcohol at this point, it won't help)
> 9) Get to gym and start working out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul
> 10) Start to separate funds
> 11) 180 like your life depended on it.
> 12) DNA your kids. Not so much to see if they are yours (hopefully they are), but to show her that you can't trust anything about her
> 13) Expose. Lies thrive in the dark.*




All good advice



Marc878 said:


> Serial cheaters never stop.
> 
> Quit being a doormat and get on with your life or you'll just live as you are.
> 
> Her affairs are 100% on her. How you're handling this is on you.
> 
> Wait til after Christmas is just an excuse to do nothing.
> 
> How do you know other mans wife knows?
> 
> I'll bet she doesn't. Tell her now!!!! That's your first step


Listen to this guy also, he virtually held my hand during my Divorce due to cheating wife and get slapping me with Brutal truths I did not want to believe.

You can be free of all this and find someone who makes you happy, you just need to get past the next few months of suck.


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## Lostinthought61

it looks like you at an impasse and i sorry that your wife in her effort to shed her guilt placed it on your mantel, she does not have any remorse of any real value. so here is my recommendation. first and foremost your kids are old enough to understand the truth so lay it out to them...then i would expose her at work, call HR and notify them. EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE...

question can you see the house and split the proceeds?


If not and she won't sell the house then i would tell her that you are officially dissolving your marriage within the house and i woudl work on yourself, i would do things on your own or with the kids and exclude her from everything and open yourself to dating...and wait until she dies.


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## drifting on

Brokenguy 

What you first need to do is grieve, give that a few minutes, ok done grieving. You’re wife thinks she’s a real special cupcake, but she’s not. She may appear to be on the surface, but inside is a broken person who feels she is entitled to all. Ask her this, in her next relationship what does she bring to the table? What is it that men will want her for a lifetime partner? You think someone will want a three time cheat? So she can take half their stuff too? Most guys won’t want to give her more then a one night stand. 

When you file for divorce be sure to list OM and adultery as the reasons. Have her served at work. Tell your female neighbors your wife is a serial cheat and to safeguard their marriages. Make it very public around your entire subdivision, it’s her shame, not yours. Gus is right, put the marital bed on the curb, and then when all your neighbors are around spill some gas on it. Enjoy a few puffs off a cigar then tops it on the bed, then casually walk into the house. If not enough neighbors saw that, then call the fire department and have them come. Tell the fire department you put the bed on the curb and somehow it started on fire. Tell the fire department loudly why you were throwing it away and wrestled with the decision to even call. Eventually you gave way to safety and called. Since it is on the curb it is technically city property, so tell them to bill the city if they try to charge you. 

There are many ways to make it public, and I would at the minimum notify her employer after, again after, the judge signs off. At the very least talk to your lawyer about exposure. Also check into the laws about harassment, but I would call OM, let him know you are divorcing and will take legal action if possible. This is war, and you were in the military, so treat it as such.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

A judge can force a sale. Whether she likes it, cooperates with the divorce process or not. She tries and stays after a judge says vacate for sale a Marshall or a Sheriff will with force if needed evict her under the judge's order.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

OP, you have options. But a lawyer has to explain. See a lawyer ASAP.


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## x598

OP many here is calling for the exposure option.........and while I agree that a good old fashioned "calling out" may have the desired effect of humbling your skanky cheating wife.......there is another possibility i want to warn you of.

She could, due to her humiliation of being publicly exposed......go postal and all out war on you. its happened before. things like making false clamins to the police or CPS that you are violent or abuse....things like that. you could find yourself with a restraining order slapped on you so fast it will make your head spin, and this war sparking a huge legal battle at huge expense.

only you can answer how spiteful, devious, and nasty your wife can be.

if it was me.....i would file for divorce TODAY.....dont engage her, dont look back.....just run as fast as you can and get through this as quickly as possible.


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## sokillme

anotherbrokenguy said:


> I know that as much as I wish I could totally forgive her and build a better marriage from the ashes of this one ...


Why? Do you think this is noble of something? This is not a healthy response or even a normal one. The healthy response when someone punches you in the mouth is to want to punch them back. Now I DIDN'T say you DO punch them back but you should also not not be angry about it, at least angry enough to want to punch back. The anger is important because it's there to give you power over your fear. Seems you are so codependent that you are missing a basic component of what is needed emotionally to help you get out of your situation. 

Fix this and you will begin to fix your problems. 

Besides that we all in society have a responsibly to protect the innocent correct? In this case you are the innocent.


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## BadGrammar

My friend,

You will not be starting life over at 48, you will be moving on to a new chapter of your life. And if you choose to work and make it so, it will be a much happier one as a wiser, fitter man. 48 is a great age to be. Though my circumstances do not match your own, I began a new chapter in my life at about the same age with a new woman. I am 56 years old with a nine year old son, and I've never been happier in my life. Keep your kids close to you, shower them with love and you will find the strength to move on. You do not deserve or need this woman. She does not make you whole... quite the opposite. She is a cancer on your soul. and you must excise her. Keep your chin up and keep doing the hard work. Do all you can to get her out of your house and out of your life.


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## phillybeffandswiss

File. 
Reason #1


> She has remained in contact with the current three year affair through WhatsApp. She changed jobs and moved away from where he works but.... what else is there to say. She hasn't stopped all contact, she has not provided transparency, she really has done nothing. She has begun individual counseling, we've gone to couples counseling twice, but I'm not sure she truly wants to work it out.


Sorry, 6 weeks and she moved into the spare bedroom? She checked out 5 years ago and no amount of time is going to get those 5 years back.

Reason #2



> Someone said thy wondered what prompted her to tell me. She had broken it off with the other guy and he got mad at her and reached out to her brother ( very strange) and told her he was reaching out to me so she had to do it first.


So, she really didn't come clean she was forced to tell you.


> He did reach out to me by the way. He's a very strange and broken person, filled with hate and anger. I still can't believe this is my


No, not really. You feel this way because you are the one married. For all you know, he was building his new life with your wife and DISCOVERED she was married.


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## Tatsuhiko

Tell the kids, diplomatically, and emphasize the importance of honesty in their dealings with people. Tell them about each of the 3 relationships, when each one started, and how long it lasted. Do this before she gets a chance to run interference and sugarcoat her actions with some kind of BS like "We slowly grew apart because he didn't love me like I deserved", etc.


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## MovingForward

anotherbrokenguy said:


> He did reach out to me by the way. He's a very strange and broken person, filled with hate and anger. I still can't believe this is my life.............


How did that conversation go??? that sounds very odd


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## phillybeffandswiss

I have a weird question. She told you about the multiple affairs, did the OM relate the same information or just his affair with your wife?


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## OutofRetirement

What part of the marriage are you holding onto? Whatever good part of the marriage in the past five years (at least) now has been proven to be a lie.

See a lawyer.

If she wants you out badly enough, do you think she would file a false domestic violent claim against you? Do you think her high values will prevent her from doing it? Do you feel like you know her very well? Do you think she would cheat on you? Protect yourself. She is not who you thought she was. How far back would you have to go when she was genuinely loving and committed to you, when she would have your back?

You had a career-ending injury. You can either lay around and whine about your bad luck and wish about how great it used to be, or even worse believe like you can rehabilitate this injury, or you can figure out your future and run to it. That future is coming no matter whether you hold onto the past or not. Do what you have to do and embrace the future.

How are your kids? Is the older one still in the house? Who knows besides her brother, other man, and other man's wife?

I don't think you have any need to rush, other than that your wife may or may not be a ticking time bomb. Arguably, the main aspects of your marriage has not changed, your wife has been doing this for about five years, the only difference is now you found out about it.


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## RWB

snerg said:


> SO if I'm reading this correctly, 3 affairs?
> 
> one 1 night stand.
> One short lived affair (probably a year)
> One long term (at least 3 years).
> *
> And this is what she's admitting to.* So at least 20% of you marriage together has been her cheating.
> And now she's not doing any of the necessary heavy lifting to"fix" this marriage?


ABG,

Did you read what sneg says... _"And this what she's admitting to."_

Do you understand really understand the facts of serial cheating. I've been in you shoes first hand. I was 50 at the time. Your W has been cheating for longer than you can really imagine. She only is admitting to what she believes can be proved. Here's the deal. She has talked about her affairs with other GF or AP and is afraid you will find out. The "other" affairs are hidden and she will never admit anything. She will minimize the times and places in some strange way to make it seem "better".

If you remember anything from TAM... cheaters lie till the end.


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## Suspicious1

x598 said:


> only you can answer how spiteful, devious, and nasty your wife can be.




Sadly he does not know her!


Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## anotherbrokenguy

Thanks once again to everyone who has taken the time to read and respond to this. I appreciate the advice - even the harsh advice - I know I need to hear it. I told her last night that I was divorcing her. I told her there was no way we could ever work this out and that I would not be going to counseling with her anymore (I'm definately going to continue the individual counseling). This came as no surprise to her - she said she was just waiting for this. I laughed and said of course, you kept talking to the OM so what choice did I have. I believe she is relieved - this is what she wanted but for whatever reason couldn't bring herself to do it. I'm going to a lawyer Monday to start the process. I think we can agree on 95% of the property division - just not the house, so I guess a judge can decide unless she changes her mind. 

I'll try and answer some of the questions that have been asked:
Who else knows - her two best girlfriends, her brother, my parents. I understand the advice about blowing it up - I'm not trying to get her mad and vindictive - as many have said, there's nothing to save here, so I'm letting it go for now.

What did the OM say when he contacted me: In whatever fight the two of them had when she was "breaking up" with him- she told him she was going to tell me everything and he didn't believe her. He wanted to make sure I knew it all - but it was only one part he truly cared about. He was so mad at my wife because of her one night stand during the business trip, he wanted to make sure I knew that. He was mad because she cheated on HIM! The irony in that is almost comical. He also wanted to go out if his way to call her all kinds of names and tell me what a POS I am. He's a gem. 

How do I know OM wife really knows: as stated, this guy is crazy, when he reached out to my brother-in-law (he did that because my wife had "broken up" with him and he was mad) my brother in law took all the texts he sent and found the guys wife on face book and sent them to her. OM then reached back out to my wife and told her his wife knew. I guess I don't really know if that's true or not, but this guy is crazy and I'm not interested in provoking him. I have seen some of the crazy things he's said to my wife because he's mad she cut him off. He's sick and unstable. There's nothing good that can come from me antagonizing him. I'm prepared in case he ever shows up at my house and I am prepared to let his employer know if I have too, but that would be a protective measure, not a first strike. My wife and I (and OM) all work for the government and people have to trust I know what I'm doing on this front. 

People have mentioned that there are probably other affairs: There could be - it's true I would have no idea and why would she tell me. She's a professional liar and at least 5 years of my marriage have been a complete lie. I guess it doesn't matter at this point. There's nothing to save, it's not going to make me feel better to know, she has no reason to tell me, I don't want to fight about it. At this point I'm just looking to get out as quickly and cleanly as possible. I told her I would be fair in the divorce and of course follow what the law requires, but that I would not pay alimony (she agrees) and that I would not give her anything beyond what is required. We have significant assets so she's going to walk away from this well off - especially if she would let me buy her out of the house.

So I'm not trying to escalate anything at this point. She's not going to accuse me of assault or anything - yes I know I don't really know her or what she's capable of, but I do have a cell phone and a digital recorder and one of my kids are usually at home so it would be hard for her to make that up. I'm not worried, but I am prepared. I believe she wants out quickly also. She knows we could waste $10s of thousands on lawyers or we can figure this out (mostly) together and save a ton of money on the divorce. She wants to figure it out and get it over with too. She doesn't want to be with me and I don't want to be with her anymore so we should be able to work our way through this as amicably as possible.


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## OutofRetirement

> she wanted but for whatever reason couldn't bring herself to do it.


This is very common. Reputation frequently is the one of the most important things. Now she can say the marriage ended because you wanted out and didn't try to work it out. You can be the bad guy, she can be the "good person who stayed in a long unhappy marriage." Most people have to be a good person in the narrative of their own life. She will not mention the cheating with people who don't know otherwise. If she hooks up with the guy later, she will say he's a "friend" who helped her through her bad time with her husband and her unhappy marriage and this turned into "something more" after separated.


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## RWB

anotherbrokenguy said:


> He was so mad at my wife because of her one night stand during the business trip, he wanted to make sure I knew that. He was mad because she cheated on HIM! The irony in that is almost comical.


Cheater logic :scratchhead: can warp time and space.


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## Lostinthought61

I am truly sorry it has come to this, but as you noted you had no other choice. She has a lot of issues and problems and praying them on you and the family is not right, on top of that i am very concerned that her lack of empathy and remorse is alarming.....she is definitely a broken person, and while i respect your decision to take the high road, I can't help but want to punish her severely. But it sounds like the OM is doing a good job at that.

i do believe your kids are old enough the truth about their mother and i would tell her that she can tell them or you can but they should know.


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## Rick Blaine

Tatsuhiko said:


> Tell the kids, diplomatically, and emphasize the importance of honesty in their dealings with people. Tell them about each of the 3 relationships, when each one started, and how long it lasted. Do this before she gets a chance to run interference and sugarcoat her actions with some kind of BS like "We slowly grew apart because he didn't love me like I deserved", etc.


Exactly this. I told my kids when my serial cheating exwife strayed. Just stuck to the facts and avoided the lurid details. We are now divorced, and they tell me that when they talk with her she rewrites history and says we just grew apart. They know it is BS and they say so. Not to her, but to me. 

Kids know better. But they need to know the truth. Otherwise they get confused, and confusion about infidelity is a bad thing. Normalizing infidelity is not good formation for children as they learn about love and marriage from their models, their parents.


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## TDSC60

Wait. You say that your wife is also a government employee? According to OPM you are entitled to a portion of her retirement as well. Maybe that could be a negotiation tool. Check with OPM.


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## Taxman

I had a couple some years ago. She was not only a cheater, she was an albatross around his neck. The only way she kept him was intimidation. Everyone worked on him. His brother had enough and spent on a PI. A few of his friends kicked in some money for a good cause. Shortly thereafter my client was subject to an intervention. A full length fucx film of his wife and many lovers being brought into his bedroom. 

He left the intervention with divorce papers in his hands. They worked at different departments of the same company. He went to her section and had the video downloaded onto their server, and started playing it as a screensaver. He soon heard a blood curdling scream come from his wife’s desk. She stands up, and sees him standing there smiling. She comes running over. He gives her divorce papers, smiles and leaves. He presented a case that included both financial and physical infidelity. Her lawyer told her to shut up in front of the judge. Her aggressive instincts got the better of her. It was not pretty. Our divorce laws are basically no fault. However, with the help of friends we proved that she made a fair amount more than him, and she would typically run up his cards while grabbing his pay and giving him a pittance to live on. The Judge whacked her hard. She promptly began missing payments. It felt so good swearing out a lien on her investments and a garnishment on her salary. If she quits or is fired, I get to **** her over. Oh and she has one particular habit that will get her a restraining order. She likes to call him up and scream at him. Ms Narcissist says that he ruined her life. Yup, fu(king around on your husband, stealing his money, and laughing at him, he certainly did.


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## marriageontherocks2

anotherbrokenguy said:


> I can't imagine starting over at 48 years old. I can't imagine finding happiness with someone else. I also can't imagine staying with my wife after the pain she has caused me and I'm not sure she really wants to stay either. .


You're doing everything right, keep with the 180, focus on yourself and don't think 20 moves ahead about how you need to find happiness with someone else. Worry about yourself, find happiness with yourself, outside your lousy wife. This is addition by subtraction if I ever heard it. What are you pining over really? a lying, cheating, miserable wife? I know it's hard to see now, but you have a ton more opportunities now than you did while married. Any hobby you want you now have time for. You can begin controlling and managing your money towards what you prioritize.

Based on the age of your kids, the frequency and length of her affairs, I wouldn't consider reconciliation. But it's up to you.


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## VermiciousKnid

There is no marriage to save so take that off the table. You need to retain an attorney quickly to start protecting yourself and your pension. You've already said she'll get part of it. I can tell you for a fact that's not always true. If she wants the house you can negotiate that. Walk away from your equity there to preserve your pension. Again, talk to a lawyer and protect yourself. Stop treating her in any way like a loving loyal wife. She's none of that. Be very guarded about ever interaction with her and, in fact, do the 180 and speak to her as little as possible. The goal now is you getting out as whole as possible.


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## Rick Blaine

OP,
Very sorry your marriage has come to this. We understand the profound pain and sense of betrayal you are experiencing. Hang in there, friend. A few suggestions as you begin to author a new chapter in your life:

1. Wayward spouse's are inherently lazy so you will probably have to do all the divorce paperwork. But that's okay. Having that large task before you will help you focus your productive energies. 

2. How old are your kids? Focus on them and take good care of them. Be honest with them about what happened. Do no put them in the middle or belittle their mother in front of them. But it is good for them to see that you are grieving the end of the marriage, and it is okay for them to understand that the betrayal has caused resentment and hurt.

3. Find support in family and friends. Do things with them. They will be blessing to you at this time. These are the times we should be happy to have someone to lean on. 

4. Exercise. Running or lifting not only will be healthy, but the endorphin rush will lift your spirits. You will look better and rebuild your confidence. When I was in your place my shoes striking the pavement was a productive form of aggression that helped me combat the betrayal in a safe and healthy way.

5. Some here will tell you to date. Bad idea. Give yourself time to process the grief and reform yourself into a single well-integrated man who allowed the long grief process to play out. Once you are single again (i.e., officially divorced) and you have been able to finally completely let go, you will be ready to date. By waiting you honor the grieving process and the marriage (she quit, you didn't). Your children, family, and friends will see that you are a stable rock for your family and that you are handling this tragedy with honor and grace. Plus, the baggage you are carrying right now won't be there to ruin your next relationship.

6. I doubt your wife was ever the person you thought she was. I used to think that my exwife was the love of my wife. It took me a long time to realize that I had always projected onto her the ideal woman I wanted her to be. And early in our relationship she conformed to that ideal. But it was a facade. It wasn't real. That realization has helped me to let go. Though the death of a marriage should never be easily accepted, we learn over time that cheaters were never in it for the long haul. They place thrills over relationships. They are renters, not owners. 

7. Finally, this too shall pass. Though rock bottom feels like a permanent state, it isn't. So long as you take care of yourself and respect the process, you WILL get through this and come out the other side a better person, and you will find happiness again. But you have to let yourself experience the pain without self-medicating. No alcohol, drugs, or sex. It takes time....but you will make it through and find happiness. There are many blessings in your life right now. Reflect on that and your perspective will change for the better.

Godspeed, my friend.


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## oldshirt

If she is still associating with the OM/men in any fashion and is not being 100% transparent and is not doing all the heavy lifting you require to reestablish trust and connection - there is absolutely nothing that you can do to have a happy, healthy, secure and satisfactory relationship and marriage. 

If she is not doing those things then you have but two options -

- one is to live with it and know that she is going to be coming home and crawling into your marital bed and staining your sheets with another man's semen dripping out of her. And also knowing that you will never have her love and desire to yourself. 

- the other is take charge of your own life and set your own course and divorce her and move on with your own life. 

There are no other options if she is still in association with the other man/men and is not doing all of the 1,000 other things that she would need to be doing to reestablish love, trust and security. 

You can only control your own actions and determine your own future. You cannot control and determine hers no matter what you do. If she does not 100% dedicate her every waking moment and every cell of her mind, body and spirit to rebuilding the relationship, then it cannot and will not happen regardless of what you say or do.


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## Melrose8888

Sorry you are here OP but you have found the perfect place for your recovery.

There is nothing more I can add that hasn't already been said but given it's one year since my D-day and I had the exact same feelings as you at the same time of the year, I felt your anguish.

Divorce her and do it ASAP.

This too shall pass. You will get through this. In time you will find true love elsewhere.

Keep posting, keep talking, keep the IC going and this time next year I promise you, you will see how much better your life is.


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## BetrayedDad

anotherbrokenguy said:


> She just thinks she should get the house. I refuse to let that happen. Maybe I'm just being stubborn and not thinking clearly, but I believe she should suffer the consequences of her actions and I shouldn't have to suffer anymore.


Hops on multiple penises and wants to kick you out of your castle too... What's next?!? Picking up Trojan magnums on the way home from work for her lovers? If she had ANY shred of remorse she wouldn't be STILL acting like an entitled witch. DUMP her like yesterday's trash. Just like the other dudes who pumped and dumped her were smart enough to do. 

There is NOTHING to save, alone is better than being a cuckold and a doormat. She WON'T stop as long as opportunity presents itself. 48 and starting over is better than 58 or 68. It sucks, it hurts, you got back stabbed. The blade of knife is almost tangible. I know the EXACT feeling you talked about all too well. It WILL get better but you need to REMOVE THE CANCER before you can start to heal or you will continue to die slowly inside everyday until you lay down and rot. 

The choice is yours. BE A MAN. God gave you balls for a reason. USE THEM. Have some dignity and DUMP HER.


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## oldshirt

BetrayedDad said:


> What's next?!? Picking up Trojan magnums on the way home from work for her lovers?


Wrong! People in affairs rarely use condoms. what he will actually be doing is laundering her stained underwear and stained bedsheets from the OM's stuff dripping out of her.


(I am being sarcastic. Other than the condoms, your post is spot-on) 

OP listen to BetrayedDad carefully. He knows what he is talking about and knows what both you and your (hopefully) STBX are thinking and feeling and knows what you both are going to do before you do. 

Take his advice to heart.


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## Openminded

You have no idea how fortunate you are to have discovered this now instead of many years from now. Forty-eight? Believe me, there will be a time when you will look back at that age as young -- because it is. You have decades ahead of you. Take them and don't look back.


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## Rubix Cubed

Taxman said:


> I had a couple some years ago. She was not only a cheater, she was an albatross around his neck. The only way she kept him was intimidation. Everyone worked on him. His brother had enough and spent on a PI. A few of his friends kicked in some money for a good cause. Shortly thereafter my client was subject to an intervention. A full length fucx film of his wife and many lovers being brought into his bedroom.
> 
> He left the intervention with divorce papers in his hands. They worked at different departments of the same company. He went to her section and had the video downloaded onto their server, and started playing it as a screensaver. He soon heard a blood curdling scream come from his wife’s desk. She stands up, and sees him standing there smiling. She comes running over. He gives her divorce papers, smiles and leaves. He presented a case that included both financial and physical infidelity. Her lawyer told her to shut up in front of the judge. Her aggressive instincts got the better of her. It was not pretty. Our divorce laws are basically no fault. However, with the help of friends we proved that she made a fair amount more than him, and she would typically run up his cards while grabbing his pay and giving him a pittance to live on. The Judge whacked her hard. She promptly began missing payments. It felt so good swearing out a lien on her investments and a garnishment on her salary. If she quits or is fired, I get to **** her over. Oh and she has one particular habit that will get her a restraining order. She likes to call him up and scream at him. Ms Narcissist says that he ruined her life. Yup, fu(king around on your husband, stealing his money, and laughing at him, he certainly did.


 @Taxman,
You should start a story thread in General. You've got some doozies and they are all fascinating.
Keep 'em coming.


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## skerzoid

anotherbrokenguy:

So you are 48 and no one will ever want you. Man are you codependent. You need to man up and move on. Here are some men who women would drop their panties for that are older than you. https://www.aarp.org/entertainment/style-trends/info-04-2012/sexiest-men-over-50.html#slide23Hell, you got at least another quarter century of horizontal refreshments ahead of you. This however requires that that you believe in yourself, not what your worthless sperm repository thinks.


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## Thor

skerzoid said:


> anotherbrokenguy:
> 
> So you are 48 and no one will ever want you.


I would like to address this issue. It is a general truth that the older we are, the less desirable we become. Every adult sexually desires healthy and attractive mates. From a sexual standpoint, from about mid 20's to about 40 is a peak in sexual attractiveness. Assuming one stays in shape and at a healthy weight.

So this is where the fear is born. We all know this as a basic human truth, that "old" people are not so sexually appealing as vibrant "young" people.

From a companionship standpoint considering common experiences, similar point in life, general preferences in music etc, someone nearer to our own age is more easily fun and compatible. Dating someone in our own age bracket usually is more relaxed and feels more natural. But, it may be lacking some of that lusty energy if there are health issues, sexual performance issues, weight, saggy body parts, etc.

Ideally we would have divorced back in our mid 20's when we had many more decades ahead and were in our physical peak years. But we didn't. It would have been better had I divorced in my mid 30's. But I didn't. Mid 40's? But I didn't.

Now if I had waited another decade into my mid _60's_, my prospects would be further narrowed in terms of who would find me physically appealing, and who I would find sexually desirable.

It is what it is. We can play the hand we have, or we can moan about it not being perfect. That acreage I _didn't_ buy 30 yrs ago for pennies on the dollar in a now popular destination area? I didn't buy it, but there is no benefit to me avoiding investments today because of it. Yep, I'd be nicely retired if I had bought it. But that is not an option now, and I shouldn't burn my cash today because I didn't make the right decision decades ago.

The point is that while it is not ideal for us to divorce in our 40's or 50's, it doesn't mean it will be bad or that we will have no options. Yes, let's be honest that we won't attract younger mates the way we would have when we were younger. But we will meet many great new people and have great experiences with them. There are many positive opportunities out there no matter our age.


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## Taxman

Ladies and gentlemen.
The sad fact is, that I have seen way too much. From philandering husbands who never made a dime on paper, and leaves their wife and kids to starve, to a lovely transgendered girl whose mother refuses to accept. It wears on one, and I am starting to look at slowing down. I will never retire completely, I want to keep my hand in as long as I can. I have a gentleman in his late 70's who works for me seasonally. He is tall and cuts quite the dashing figure, and there is a lineup of rather well made up elderly women who specifically request that he does their work. When I grow up, I wanna be him! Sorry for the t/j folks.


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## VFW

Sorry to hear of your situation, particularly at this time of the year. The house will have to be sold, she can either buy you out or just take her half and you take yours. As for the retirement, if she gets half of yours, then you get half of hers, unless you two come to a mutual agreement. You will be riding the emotional rollercoaster for awhile, though usually by the end of the divorce you will probably have lost that lovin' feeling.


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## x598

op its been all fun and games for her up till now. just wait.......this is going to get real...very quickly.......i give her 120 days and all of a sudden "you wont be such a bad guy after all". just wait till the fog lifts. get your divorce done quickly and don't look back.


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## Sports Fan

A few realities. 

This is a tough pill to swallow. Most readers and posters here get that.

However that does not give you a pass to let her miserable and unacceptable behavour slide. She has cheated on you countless of times and does not show not one ounce of remorse.

Stop following her around the house, stop pleading or trying to get her to understand you. You are coming across very weak and unattractive.

Seperate immediately any money from a joint account, transfer it all to your own private account leave her about $20 and file for Divorce ASAP as soon as you have visited a ruthless shark of a Divorce Attorney.

These type of actions are the only language serial cheaters understand. At the very least you would have gained some of your self respect back.


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## sokillme

I'm sorry dude. You will see though that you are much better off. In about a years time the fog will lift and you will wonder why you held on so long. You will also see your wife crash and burn. When you do come back to this thread an tell us about it. I promise you will have joy again.


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## anotherbrokenguy

Everyday is a little better as far as my pain level. I certainly have my moments of complete disbelief and anguish still, but it's not constant anymore. I appreciate the words of support and wisdom - even the harsh slaps of reality being laid down on me. I'm getting a much better perspective on myself and certainly on her. I agree with what some others have said - nothing has changed for her and she hasn't suffered any consequences for anything, but I don't want vengeance and I'm not trying to inflame anything. I just want to move on. I've completely pulled back and told her we don't have anything to talk about except how to split assets. She has come around on moving out so that's a positive. Unfortunately - in Virginia there's a one year cooling off period before the divorce is final. I could file a fault divorce, but the lawyer says that's not the way to go - it still takes about a year and costs multiples more than a mediated divorce. That's the direction we're going. So a year before its final - that seems like a long time, but it costs less and the end result will be the same. I'm sure some will say to go all out and fight for everything - that's not the best choice for this situation. As long as she's being reasonable I'll go the mediated route. Even her lawyer's advice was to make this as easy as possible and not fight with me. If she changes her mind and becomes difficult I will have no choice except to go all out - I think the mediated route will work for us so hopefully it doesn't come down to fighting. She did come up to me tonight and had a breakdown and said over and over how sorry she was for fxxxing our lives up. I'm sure she is sorry........ just not for the right reasons. I STILL can't believe this is my life - but I'm taking action and moving forward and I'm going to embrace this situation and come out the other side better and stronger.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

She apologized for lying and cheating over your entire marriage. Thanks honey.


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## Marc878

anotherbrokenguy said:


> Everyday is a little better as far as my pain level. I certainly have my moments of complete disbelief and anguish still, but it's not constant anymore. I appreciate the words of support and wisdom - even the harsh slaps of reality being laid down on me. I'm getting a much better perspective on myself and certainly on her. I agree with what some others have said - nothing has changed for her and she hasn't suffered any consequences for anything, but I don't want vengeance and I'm not trying to inflame anything. I just want to move on. I've completely pulled back and told her we don't have anything to talk about except how to split assets. She has come around on moving out so that's a positive. Unfortunately - in Virginia there's a one year cooling off period before the divorce is final. I could file a fault divorce, but the lawyer says that's not the way to go - it still takes about a year and costs multiples more than a mediated divorce. That's the direction we're going. So a year before its final - that seems like a long time, but it costs less and the end result will be the same. I'm sure some will say to go all out and fight for everything - that's not the best choice for this situation. As long as she's being reasonable I'll go the mediated route. Even her lawyer's advice was to make this as easy as possible and not fight with me. If she changes her mind and becomes difficult I will have no choice except to go all out - I think the mediated route will work for us so hopefully it doesn't come down to fighting. *She did come up to me tonight and had a breakdown and said over and over how sorry she was for fxxxing our lives up. I'm sure she is sorry........ just not for the right reasons.* I STILL can't believe this is my life - but I'm taking action and moving forward and I'm going to embrace this situation and come out the other side better and stronger.



Well, alrighty then. That makes it all better?


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## anotherbrokenguy

Of course it doesn't make anything better. She's not sorry for anything she did to me - she's only sorry for the deeply negative impact this is going to have on her lifestyle. If she had her way, I would accept a "sorry about that" and move on like everything was ok and never mention it again - until the next time she cheated on me. I'm not buying anything she says to me or any tears she sheds in front of me. None of it means anything.


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## Tatsuhiko

The "I'm sorry I messed up our lives" is often followed days later by attempts at seduction and "Can't we work on this?" So be prepared and don't fall into any traps.


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## marriageontherocks2

Thor said:


> I would like to address this issue. It is a general truth that the older we are, the less desirable we become. Every adult sexually desires healthy and attractive mates. From a sexual standpoint, from about mid 20's to about 40 is a peak in sexual attractiveness. Assuming one stays in shape and at a healthy weight.


Speak for yourself, I just turned 40 and can run a sub 20 minute 3 mile, do 100 pushups, 20 pull-ups. I shaved my beard and was told I look in my early 20's. Many 20 year old's I see today look like ****, they don't take care of themselves, the guys spend all day inside playing video games, the women eat fast food and drink and smoke too much, they deal with obesity, diabetes, etc... Age is just a number, it only matters if you let it.

At 40 I may be less desirable to a 25 year old girl but that's fine by me, If I do ever date again I couldn't imagine a more unappealing proposition than being paired with a woman younger than 35, they'll want kids, marriage, and other **** I want nothing to do with.


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## Lostinthought61

since you have a year to get out i would change your life insurance beneficiary and will, make sure you take her name of of them asap, god forbid something happens to you in the year timeframe and she walks away a widow and rich.....write everything you name her and replace with the kids and if they are under age, find a sibling to be guardian to them.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

anotherbrokenguy said:


> Of course it doesn't make anything better. She's not sorry for anything she did to me - she's only sorry for the deeply negative impact this is going to have on her lifestyle. If she had her way, I would accept a "sorry about that" and move on like everything was ok and never mention it again - until the next time she cheated on me. I'm not buying anything she says to me or any tears she sheds in front of me. None of it means anything.


Now you really know who she is. Good for you. 

Like others said, don't fall for the homey trap. Out of mind and out of sight ASAP.


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## Thor

marriageontherocks2 said:


> Speak for yourself, I just turned 40 and can run a sub 20 minute 3 mile, do 100 pushups, 20 pull-ups. I shaved my beard and was told I look in my early 20's. Many 20 year old's I see today look like ****, they don't take care of themselves, the guys spend all day inside playing video games, the women eat fast food and drink and smoke too much, they deal with obesity, diabetes, etc... Age is just a number, it only matters if you let it.
> 
> At 40 I may be less desirable to a 25 year old girl but that's fine by me, If I do ever date again I couldn't imagine a more unappealing proposition than being paired with a woman younger than 35, they'll want kids, marriage, and other **** I want nothing to do with.



Well I think you missed the point. There is some core of peak years when we are at our most marketable to potential mates. When we are in that zone, we have a lot of options in selecting a mate. When a person ages out of that range, he/she does have a smaller pool of people who are interested in dating them.

We should not pretend this doesn't happen, especially when someone like OP comes along and expresses a concern. His concerns are normal, and based in some measure on what we all know is normal human nature. It doesn't mean we should fixate on it or make it so big a fear we stay in a bad marriage.

And that's really the point. Divorce involves a number of factors which are less than optimal. Finances, access to our kids, and yes we will at some point want to find new people to date. Usually things are nowhere near as bad as we imagine they will be. When someone expresses such concerns we should not dismiss them, we should instead discuss them honestly.


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## bandit.45

Deleted


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## Yeswecan

Thor said:


> Well I think you missed the point. There is some core of peak years when we are at our most marketable to potential mates. When we are in that zone, we have a lot of options in selecting a mate. When a person ages out of that range, he/she does have a smaller pool of people who are interested in dating them.
> 
> We should not pretend this doesn't happen, especially when someone like OP comes along and expresses a concern. His concerns are normal, and based in some measure on what we all know is normal human nature. It doesn't mean we should fixate on it or make it so big a fear we stay in a bad marriage.
> 
> And that's really the point. Divorce involves a number of factors which are less than optimal. Finances, access to our kids, and yes we will at some point want to find new people to date. Usually things are nowhere near as bad as we imagine they will be. When someone expresses such concerns we should not dismiss them, we should instead discuss them honestly.


Marketable age can be any age.


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## weightlifter

As someone took huge heat in the past for not recommending divorce in a couple well known instances.

C'mon. You KNOW the answer on this one. THREE affairs that she is copping to??? Do we need to tattoo "WELCOME" to your forehead so you can be an official doormat? STOP IT ALREADY.

Your bailing the boat and she is shooting more holes in it with a shotgun.

If you cant attract a date, date a Harley.


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## S4tori

Just to give my two cents; I was recently reading a book(forgot the title)that pretty much said you can just stay with whoever you are at the moment because if you go to next relationship you will again have to deal with same things...so rather look at this as a challenge: challenge for both of you.
We grow with our partners, we change with our partners.
The longer we stay with our partner the more we mutually learn more about ourselves.
All the fears, insecurities-all of those are brought out by our partner so we can work on it. Do you see how you realised you were being mr Nice guy? This sounds like it wasn’t just a problem in your relationship with your partner but in your life in general.

It’s hard. But when was the last time you have worked so much on yourself?
This all sounds ****ty when you’re hurting, I’ve been there(I actually still am).
But at least thinking like this doesn’t make me think”there’s someone out there waiting for me, much better than this scum”. You know it’s a horrible trick. Just stay focused on the two of you-whether it’s resolving or getting back together or even taking a break and trying that dating if something is telling you that you would learn something from there(I for example learnt that my partner is still number 1 with all his imperfections and mistakes).

Great things are born out of misery. You got this.


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## marriageontherocks2

Yeswecan said:


> Marketable age can be any age.


Especially for men, money never gets old.


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## farsidejunky

marriageontherocks2 said:


> Especially for men, money never gets old.


Considering this is the last reason I would want somebody to be attracted to me, it does get old.


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## sokillme

anotherbrokenguy said:


> Of course it doesn't make anything better. She's not sorry for anything she did to me - she's only sorry for the deeply negative impact this is going to have on her lifestyle. If she had her way, I would accept a "sorry about that" and move on like everything was ok and never mention it again - until the next time she cheated on me. I'm not buying anything she says to me or any tears she sheds in front of me. None of it means anything.


They are always sorry once there is consequences. I bet you she will also attempt to get back with you from time to time, as she continues to wander from guy to guy, but getting back with you wouldn't change the wandering. Also she will call you and tell you how much she misses you, and when she is off the phone with you she will call the next guy. It will only stop for the sure time she has limerence with someone new. She is broken unfortunately many of people are like this. They are just another form of addict. You can pity them but you just shouldn't be married to them. 

You however have learned a valuable lesson my friend. Your bull**** detector is strong now. Cultivate it and use it from now on in all your relationships, romantic or otherwise. It will give you power. Trust me. 

I would suggest you get some books on codependency and also maybe have some IC just to refine your picker a little bit. Also you might want to get some books on how to have a good relationship, and effective emotional communication. That will be very useful for a couple of reasons, it will help you identify patterns in this past relationships and not over compensate if you find someone who is not broken. Unfortunately you are going to have to unlearn what you have learned to borrow a phrase from a popular movie you might have heard of. It is also very attractive to women when you an talk.

Finally just wait until you get into a relationship with a whole person who is authentic. It's going to be like another planet for you. You have no idea, if you did you would be very excited and really not sad at all.


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## anotherbrokenguy

As the days tick by the hurt continues to fade and I continue to work on me. It's still hard for me to believe this woman who I had such strong feelings for and a great deal of respect for turns out to be a complete stranger to me - and a not very nice stranger at that! I continue to mourn the loss of this relationship and the loss of this person I thought I knew. None of that changes the awakening I've had about myself or about her. I know there's no going back when it comes to her - I still have a long road to go on that because this is still a shock to me and 7 weeks ago I thought she was the love of my life. I just have to remind myself everyday who she really is and the marriage I thought was pretty good was really a complete disaster - and I own a portion of that. I'm not sure if she'll attempt to get back with me, but I know what the answer is if she does. I changed her name on my phone to Pain and Suffering, and the ring tone to Sabotage (because she did that to our marriage and she'll do it to me if I let her) just to remind me what she is to me if she calls. I do truly hope she pulls herself together and gets her life straight, for my kids first, and then for her own good. I hope my bull**** detector is stronger than it was, but I still need to work on that a great deal too. I know my view on relationships is and has been completely screwed up. I'm reading everything I can including books on codependency, communication, better relationships, etc. I'm also going to IC a couple hours a week for now. I'll slow it down once I'm past this initial "trauma" phase. I know I've mentioned not knowing how to start over at my age, and wondering if I would ever find someone else..... I realize more and more, that's just my insecurities getting the best of me. The best thing I can do right now is focus on my kids and myself and learn how to be OK with me and not emotionally dependent on someone else. I see hope on the horizon.


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## VFW

The more you two can agree on money and things, the less fighting there will be, the less wear and tear there will be on all concerned. You need to make sure that you fill the void of the marriage. I recommend exercise to create a more attractive and healthier you. Look to invest time in a hobby or try one you have always wanted to try. Create new Christmas and holiday traditions with your kids, this will help them evolve to the new normal. You may want to try taking a class in something you find interesting. Volunteering your time to other in need will help you take your mind off the negative things and help someone who appreciates your time. Wishing you a very Merry Christmas.


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## [email protected]

A divorce can cost around $100,000! I know of a couple who EACH spent $100,000 on their divorce.
Better now than later.


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## Slybud

2 weeks ago I found out my had an affair, I knew something was up and ignored the signs, I finally did and she said everything was ok, she said the in love but not in love to me, said hasn't been happy, our issues have always been communication. She has been through alot, molested as a kid, bad back, pain meds for back weened off, now she at her best 15 ye ar s later and now she wants to find herself. We had 2 marriage counseling sessions , second one she it won't work since she has no passion or need f or me or ever did. We have 3 kids, dream home. She refuses to stop communication with him. I threatened to notify his wife, and when I do that she gets mad and says that's not me and why destroy their life. I say cause mine is.she is cold now. When I look at her I don't recognize her. So cold. With her past life experiences and parents she has learned to keep everything inside and show no emotion. I have maybe seen her cry3-5 times in the 15 years we have been married. 
My life is in termoil, we are faking it for the holidays. But once xmas is over I know it's gonna get worse. I saw a lawyer and since I make double her I basically loss half. How can I afford a place to live to spend time with my kids. I have lost the 20 lbs. I went over the monthly financial with her to show her why I have been semi depressed and checked out according to her. She said I should of told her but I said why have 2 worry and I wanted the best for and the kids. She said she isn't a princess. I said your were my queen. 
I have done everything wrong, beg, cry, plead, get angry, I gave her th e bed when I should of sent her to the cold basement but I am there . I have tried to distance my self. Cause she says we aren't a couple and it's uncomfortable, unfortunately when we are all together as a family is the only time I feel ok. Yesterday was an ok day but then I at night I get mad cause she didn't help wrap and she said I didn't ask and didn't know what I was doing upstairs. Well u could of asked I said but also said but I know now I disgust you. She said isn't the case. 
She got her own phone so she keep in touch with him, cause if course Iaccidentally pinged her phone when I didn't believe she was home. I took that app off, that made her super mad. I am lost, emotional wreck for our families and kids when th ey all find out. Every one thought we had the perfect marriage. I need advice and non bias support. Later next week ki d are away with their aunt and little guy in day care and she is planning on going to her parents beach house for 2 day's, since just little guy is here and we aren't a couple so we shouldn't hang out. But her leaving homie feel is wrong. But If I say that it won't come out correctly. How can I get her back. Advice, hope!?


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## Rob_1

@Slybud. Just tell her that you'll gladly be her cuckold husband, and that you'll clean her everytime she comes back frm havind sex with her lovers. And stop posting your story on every other tread. You already have your own, so use that one to get advice.


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## michzz

The idea that you are too old to find a better life is nonsense.

I waited far, far too long to divorce my cheating first wife. 32 years to be exact.

So after jettisoning a horrible woman (trust me, this is not just typical anger at the ex) I found myself in my mid-50s, being single. And no, I'm not a rippling abs work out guy trying to retrieve lost youth.

But you know what?

Not every single in their 50s woman is looking for that. If you stop worrying about that and look for a woman such as yourself in attitude, you can find her.

I did and we've been together four years now.

I do not believe it would have been better for me to stay with my first wife since someone suggested that I'd encounter the same life issues with the next woman.

And there is no need to pine away about the one you are leaving, fearing the next phase in life. You can choose to be a hermit, avoiding hurt along with potential good. Or you can jump into life and sometimes the unexpected reaches out and brings joy back to your life.

It's a new year, make it a good one.


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## BetrayedDad

[email protected] said:


> A divorce can cost around $100,000! I know of a couple who EACH spent $100,000 on their divorce.
> Better now than later.


That sucks, mine cost about $225 for a filing fee and I make six figures. 

Man up and take the offensive OP on the divorce. Get your hands dirty.


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## [email protected]

You can start over at 48. There are women out there who will pounce on you. I am aware of a number of people, both men and women, who have recovered a love life in their mid 70's.


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## CantBelieveThis

[email protected] said:


> You can start over at 48. There are women out there who will pounce on you. I am aware of a number of people, both men and women, who have recovered a love life in their mid 70's.


You are entirely correct, but I would be lazy about it as hell, that 20s desire for hooking up is nonexistent 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## sokillme

S4tori said:


> Just to give my two cents; I was recently reading a book(forgot the title)that pretty much said you can just stay with whoever you are at the moment because if you go to next relationship you will again have to deal with same things...so rather look at this as a challenge: challenge for both of you.


The next relationship doesn't have one thing though. History. People always forget that, they think that being sorry and changing is all that matters, but history is just as big a consideration. History is a big part of relationships and it is totally reasonable to take that into account as far as staying or going. How many decisions to we make in our lives because of the history and experience we have, as well we should. To ignore this when you make a decision is to leave yourself vulnerable.


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## anotherbrokenguy

I thought I would give an update to my situation. It's been over 3 months since d-day for me. For the most part it has been complete hell, but I have been pushed in directions that have proven to be good for me. I've discovered strengths I didn't know I had and I'm learning more about myself emotionally than I ever have. I feel better, emotionally and physically, than I have in years. Things are still tough and I have some bad days and sleepless nights - but they are fewer and fewer as time passes. My stbxw signed a lease on her new place and will be moving out soon. We are working through the marital property agreement amicably and all things should be sorted out within the next few weeks. I have a solid lawyer who has provided good advice and the legal part should move flawlessly. While the divorce will still take a year, we were able to start the clock with the in house separation so only 9 more months to go. My stbxw had a mental breakdown on New Year's Day - I guess the reality of the consequences of her actions finally sunk in. I thought I was going to have to take her to the hospital, but we got through it. Yes, we. I was there for her in those moments when she was at her lowest despite what she did to me and our marriage. She is and always will be the mother of my children and I did it for them. I don't want to see anything bad happen to her. I hope she pulls her **** together and straightens out - I believe she is working in the right direction now - so she can be a better mother to them. This has been the worst period of my life, but I see better days ahead. My son will be staying in the house with me - he's 16. He'll be free to spend as much time as he wants with his mother but primarily will live with me. My daughter - 18yrs old - has decided to go with her mother, but will spend time with me. She'll be leaving for college next fall so it's all short term with her. This is not were I thought I would be at this point in my life, but I realize how screwed up my marriage was (I'm trying to own my part), and I know this will be better than staying in a dysfunctional relationship. So - day by day I'm moving forward.


----------



## bandit.45

Has she started to show any remorse at all? Has she apologized?


----------



## toucheturtle

Thanks for the update.its been over 17 years for me since my divorce but the pain is light now.the nest has been empty now for awhile my 4 children are doing fine.the problem was so severe in the our home three of them joined in the national guard with 2 being deployed. I looked at my single life as a undiscovered country in which is a new adventure to explore.i was not responsible for what my ex did and still never forget.i hope you find your undiscovered life being single.


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## Taxman

Let me give you some further encouragement. You were in a relationship with a person who became a stranger. She FUBAR'ed her life, and that is now really coming into focus. All of the ways that you made her life convenient and comfortable will be ripped away. She will have to deal with things on her own. She used to have the time to carry on affairs, now, she will have to concentrate her efforts on keeping her apartment, caring for the kids, and earning a living. No more playtime at your expense. You, on the other hand should now go out and enjoy. There are some great dating sites for people over 50, and you will not be alone very long (OT is one I recommend). 

I am an old married man, and the dating scene really escapes me, so I rely on clients much like yourself for insights. What I hear and see are gentlemen in their 50's and 60's who are established and stable attracting women 10-15 years younger. There are a lot more single women, demographically speaking, than men. Women outlive men by seven years on average, and stable secure men are off the market fairly quickly according to the gentlemen that use my services. (Unless the gentleman is staying single by choice) One is willing to bet that your divorce will go through smoothly, and within a year, she will darken your door to ask for another chance.


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## smokefire05

Yeah infidelity does destroy the marriage.


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## anotherbrokenguy

Bandit - she has apologized many many times. Has she shown remorse? - Not at all. Oh she's sorry, just not for the right things. She has become a completely unrecognizable person to me. Her behavior and personality changes are almost as upsetting to me as the affairs. It has happened so quickly and so dramatically it's almost unbelievable to me. I'm not sure how she kept everything hidden for so long and now that she's exposed, how she fell apart so quickly. I'm not sure if I agree she'll be back looking to make another go of it with me later. I'm not sure what she's going to do. I'm completely baffled by her behavior lately. I just want distance from her so I can think straight. I do agree she's going to be busy trying to make ends meet and her lifestyle is going to be VERY different. Somehow she'll be mad at me about it all.......


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## sandcastle

Another-

Based on your posts and especially the last few-

You are a stellar father which makes you a stellar man. You will thrive and the pain and the lessons that evolve from that pain will only make you stronger in every way.

You have your morals, ethics and dignity intact.


----------



## Marc878

anotherbrokenguy said:


> Bandit - she has apologized many many times. Has she shown remorse? - Not at all. Oh she's sorry, just not for the right things. She has become a completely unrecognizable person to me. Her behavior and personality changes are almost as upsetting to me as the affairs. It has happened so quickly and so dramatically it's almost unbelievable to me. I'm not sure how she kept everything hidden for so long and now that she's exposed, how she fell apart so quickly. I'm not sure if I agree she'll be back looking to make another go of it with me later. I'm not sure what she's going to do. I'm completely baffled by her behavior lately. I just want distance from her so I can think straight. I do agree she's going to be busy trying to make ends meet and her lifestyle is going to be VERY different. Somehow she'll be mad at me about it all.......


You probably like most didn't recognize these faults that were always there. Love is blind.

As for her future let that be her problem you'll have enough dealing with your own life.


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## SunCMars

anotherbrokenguy said:


> My stbxw had a mental breakdown on New Year's Day - I guess the reality of the consequences of her actions finally sunk in.


This breakdown, is a reaction to the over-pressurization, that which exceeded her guilt cut-off point.
Guilt and shame outstripped her sense of worth. Pride in scoring men.

This breakdown, now mainly due to the looks, the words, the tone heard from her children.
From you, initially, now from all who know. That is why she opened up and confessed last month.

The weight of all this forced this "faux stand up mom" to fold, bend at the knee.
..............................................................................................................
She had strengths:

She is a good mom.

She played the role of a good wife. Til she could not, come December. She broke under the guise. Her real face came to surface.

She was an excellent lover. She was able to juggle more than one set of balls.

She juggled them well until it became second hand, done easily, finding no challenge, finding no love.
Finding only momentary glee, settling into ho-hum.

And losing, finally losing love for you, OP. She no longer had any love for you.
Had less for herself.

Ho-hum...what have I done.

Actually, she is lucky, well, just a bit.
She still has a conscience. She still has immense guilt.

A good sign. 
It does not read, "Dead End". 
It reads, "Make a You Turn, if possible".

Your load will be shrugged off one day. Into the past.
A fading past. Covered by new memories, light memories.

Hers? 
Her load will always remain heavy, heavier by the day. 
Heavier, as her knees age, get weaker.
This her shame, her 'shared' shame with all who know, all who care. 
Never to be forgotten. This reality sets in.


Just Sayin'


SunCMars- another lucid day. Mark it on your calendar.


----------



## SunCMars

These things, these infidelities, these cold snaps that never end. Sexless nights, leading to weeks, to months, to years.

They start from little seeds, weed germs that get placed, blown into, fall into the cracks in one's wall.

They grow, push apart the wall, then grow roots. The wall crumbles.

And the seeds? What is their meat, their kernel of truth?

Lack of touch.
Lack of care.
Lack of notice from the other.
Lack of compromise, on any matter, those compromises most important, denied in entirety.

Add.... lack of empathy, focus, logic, sense. Lack of any sense not common. 
Common is 'lemurs over the cliff'. Follow the leader. The leader without a clue.

Doubt me?
Look at our world.
Common is failure waiting to happen.

Look at California.


----------



## Taxman

I have been there a year later down the road, and I have had women sitting across from me saying that if they knew that their lives would be so negatively impacted, they would have never considered an affair. One literally named each of her girlfriends that encouraged the affair, and damned them to hell. Her BH went totally nuclear on her. She failed to consider what he brought into the marriage, and he walked with the house, his money (interesting, he was a trust fund kid, she could not attach the income, but, he could attach hers, and did.) When she called her girlfriends to say that their plans had ended up essentially bankrupting her, they threw up their hands and walked away. 

OP, your wife will damn you to hell, however, she will learn what life is like when you wanted strange between your legs, but don't have the pocketbook to sustain that lifestyle. Like I say, in a year, guess who will be darkening your door, begging, pleading, offering the world of unending sex, threesomes, anything and everything to end her misery. Let her meet your new girlfriend at the door.


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## SentHereForAReason

Taxman said:


> I have been there a year later down the road, and I have had women sitting across from me saying that if they knew that their lives would be so negatively impacted, they would have never considered an affair. One literally named each of her girlfriends that encouraged the affair, and damned them to hell. Her BH went totally nuclear on her. She failed to consider what he brought into the marriage, and he walked with the house, his money (interesting, he was a trust fund kid, she could not attach the income, but, he could attach hers, and did.) When she called her girlfriends to say that their plans had ended up essentially bankrupting her, they threw up their hands and walked away.
> 
> OP, your wife will damn you to hell, however, she will learn what life is like when you wanted strange between your legs, but don't have the pocketbook to sustain that lifestyle. Like I say, in a year, guess who will be darkening your door, begging, pleading, offering the world of unending sex, threesomes, anything and everything to end her misery. Let her meet your new girlfriend at the door.


I can see this happening here. You explained that you forsee this may happen in my situation as well. The one thing that may differ from here to my situation and I could be wrong is that my wife makes a great living and can support herself and the kids on her own without anything from me. It won't nearly as be as comfortable but totally doable.


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## rytyjay141

anotherbrokenguy said:


> I've read so many sad stories here over the last month or so and I've decided it's time to add mine. Married 19 years with 2 kids (18 year old daughter and 16 year old son)
> 
> 
> 
> 6 weeks ago my wife told me she's been cheating on me. I had been suspicious for sometime - I certainly knew something was horribly wrong in our marriage and that she had pushed me away emotionally. For some reason she decided to come clean -- sort of. To keep from dragging this out too much, I'll compress the details. She told me she'd been having an affair with a co-worker, but initially lied about the timeline and details. Over the next week, she told me the whole story and as it turns out, it was more than one affair. It was an affair 5 years ago with a co-worker that lasted a short time, her current affair with a co-worker that has lasted 3 years, and a one night stand on a business trip a year ago. Needless to say I am devastated, crushed, ripped apart. I was in no way prepared for that. It has been the worst 6 weeks of my life. She told me she had ended the affair and wanted to fix us. Not true. She has remained in contact with the current three year affair through WhatsApp. She changed jobs and moved away from where he works but.... what else is there to say. She hasn't stopped all contact, she has not provided transparency, she really has done nothing. She has begun individual counseling, we've gone to couples counseling twice, but I'm not sure she truly wants to work it out. I've been a complete mess. I'm all over the place. One minute I want to run and file for divorce, the next I can't imagine my life without her. I've told her I think we could get through this and I've also told her I want her out of the house. (She won't leave). I've begun intense counseling and have been reading everything I can get my hands on. I'm now at a place, 6 weeks in, where I feel like I can think a bit more clearly. She has moved into the spare room so we are in different rooms at least, but for most of the time over the last few weeks I have followed her around trying to get her to talk and explain to me, and beg me for forgiveness, etc. of course that pushed her away further. I have for the past few days tried to seriously implement a 180. I'm only moderately successful so far. I do love her, but I don't think I can get over this - I don't think she wants me too, even though she says she's done with the other guy and never wants to be with him ( he's married with two kids, and yes his wife now knows about the affair). I just don't know what to do. I definitely want to get past Christmas before I do anything, but then what? This sucks soooo badly. I can't imagine starting over at 48 years old. I can't imagine finding happiness with someone else. I also can't imagine staying with my wife after the pain she has caused me and I'm not sure she really wants to stay either. I know the outcome of this, I just don't want to accept it. Man I was (still am) in love with her. I obviously did not get everything right in our marriage, but WTF!? By the way, if anyone has read No More Mr Nice Guy, that book is like a blueprint of me. I'm working through that in counseling. I can definitely see my contribution throughout our marriage to her unhappiness - I'm in no way excusing what she did - just trying to be honest with myself about my short comings in our relationship. So in summary, self reflection and counseling, hitting the gym like crazy, trying the 180, still completely miserable and don't know what to do. I never imagined my life would be like this.








Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## rytyjay141

At least she came clean, I found out about my husbands affair on my own and I sometimes wonder how long would he have kept on with keeping me in a prison of his facade! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Truthseeker1

@anotherbrokenguy - glad things are moving in the right direction. Remember its important to work on you for YOU and not some potential new partner. Your future belongs to you now. When a spouse is a serial cheater or has had a LTA that lasts for years they never really loved or respected you. They may have NEEDED you to make their lives more comfortable but these are not people to build a future with. Even if you ever did reconcile - what would you be getting back? A broken woman who repeatedly lied to you, cheated on you and put your health in danger by potentially exposing you to STDS. She has nothing of value to bring to a relationship. Your future is yours and let her future be hers with whatever misfortunes fall her way. Remember white knights only exist in fairy tales.


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## Truthseeker1

Taxman said:


> I have been there a year later down the road, and *I have had women sitting across from me saying that if they knew that their lives would be so negatively impacted, they would have never considered an affair. One literally named each of her girlfriends that encouraged the affair, and damned them to hell. Her BH went totally nuclear on her. She failed to consider what he brought into the marriage, and he walked with the house, his money (interesting, he was a trust fund kid, she could not attach the income, but, he could attach hers, and did.) When she called her girlfriends to say that their plans had ended up essentially bankrupting her, they threw up their hands and walked away. *
> 
> OP, your wife will damn you to hell, however, she will learn what life is like when you wanted strange between your legs, but don't have the pocketbook to sustain that lifestyle. Like I say, in a year, guess who will be darkening your door, begging, pleading, offering the world of unending sex, threesomes, anything and everything to end her misery. *Let her meet your new girlfriend at the door.*


That woman deserved ot lose everything - notice how she listed all the material things shed be losing - not how she destroyed her BH or what a piece of **** she is. Any friend who encourages an affair is not a friend but a voyeur who gets their kicks from watching drama in other peoples lives. That woman deserves along lonely rest of her life - pining away for what she lost. wat a POS.

love the last line but lets be honest serial cheaters or WS who have long term affairs only care about themselves - if they can find a fool to step in and make them comfy they will move in that direction - cheaters like that only love themselves - which is why they need to be thrown out with the trash...


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## redpoppies34

I'm sorry to read this. You will get over this! 48 is definitely young!! Im 47 and my husband is a complete flirt it drives me crazy. We have had our problems and I cringe every time he goes "out with the guys". He knows the rules but I never go out with girls to bars and sometimes as much as opposites attract, I wish he wasn't like this anymore. I wish I had a husband who was more interested in his wife than constantly being party boy. I hate to say it but I appreciate reading that not all men are the instigators because its so hard for me to understand ever being like that kind of woman. Trust me you will find someone great, gorgeous and who is more like you, and committed. Thank yourself that you get to pick another who is more like you! Can you imagine growing old with someone who betrayed you? I would rather die alone than give someone that satisfaction!!


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## anotherbrokenguy

It's been a year since D-day so I though I would provide an update. 
What a year this has been. It's been filled with more stress, loss, and craziness than I thought I could ever handle. With that said, things are great! A quick download of things that have nothing to do with TAM and this topic. On top of the craziness of finding out my wife was cheating on me and dealing with all of that, I lost my father in May and had my own health issue in Aug - a ruptured disk in my neck that required a surgery. But as I said, despite everything, I'm doing great! So - here's the update. 

The one year separation required by Virginia has been met and the divorce will be finalized soon. My STBXW agreed to everything I wanted in the separation agreement months ago. I have the house, my son lives with me full time, my daughter is off at college. All of our assets have been separated and accounts were divided back in Jan. It took me some time to get over feeling sorry for myself and to get used be being "alone". Lots of individual therapy and reading tons of books has helped me immensely. I have a completely different outlook on life and a much different view of myself. The vast majority of the advice I received from the members of TAM was exactly on point. I tried to follow the advice the best I could - getting a lawyer immediately - separating bank account - getting her to sign an agreement early on. The best thing that could have happened was getting her out of the house and shutting myself off from her. She had much further to fall and her continued craziness had little effect on me because I had distanced myself from her. As many people stated - what she told me about her infidelity turned out to be partial truth. There was more that turned up later and I'm just glad I wasn't trying to reconcile with her - it would have been messy and much more painful. She is the epitome of a serial cheater and a broken person. Also as many people predicted - she did come back about a month ago and begged for another chance. The harsh reality of losing what she so viciously tore apart and threw away (our relationship) has set in and she realizes her life is MUCH harder now. Again - it was easy for me to send her away because I have moved on. My kids are doing very well and have handled everything exceptionally. They do know what happened, although I chose not to tell them about her infidelity. I didn't want to seem like I was trying to turn them against their mother. There was no attempt at R so I saw no point in exposure to them (it would have simply been out of spite and I'm past that). I'm not sure how they found out and I really don't care - my relationship with my kids is the best its ever been. 

Again - I worked very hard to follow the advice given by people on here. #1 - I took care of myself. I changed my diet, my lifestyle, my mindset, and my outlook. I've lost 45 pounds and work out at least 5 days a week. Running, weights, stretching...it's been great. I eat healthier and sleep better than I have in years. It's amazing what an effect those things have had on me both physically and emotionally. I continued with IC and that helped immensely. I've also read so much material on a wide variety of subjects from co-dependency to dealing with a narcissist. All of it has helped me to fundamentally see myself and the world around me in a different light. I've spent a great deal of time studying how I dealt with relationships and women in the past and I've learned so much about myself - and implemented changes to those broken behaviors. It has truly been amazing. #2 - I dealt with the realities of sorting through my divorce head on. I've already covered most of that so I won't repeat it - but I will say, taking decisive, laser focused action is so important and very liberating. 

If you've read my earlier posts you know I was very worried about starting over at 48. Of course a lot of that stemmed from the shock of everything that happened to my relationship and my co-dependent tendencies. What a difference a year makes. The side benefit of my physical changes - and emotional changes - is that I am in high demand. It's not something I could have imagined and it's certainly different than anything I've experienced before. I have more dates than I can handle, and I've met some wonderful women. I'm not close to being ready to be in a LTR yet (and I'm brutally honest with everyone about that) but I'm enjoying the opportunity to meet great women and experience dating in a way I never dreamed of. I have a totally different focus on life and relationships now - I see things from a perspective of abundance as opposed to scarcity. It's amazing. Starting over from that respect was the least of my worries. All of the other things have been much more difficult, but the outcome has been good. 

My words of wisdom (take that with a grain of salt) at this point to anyone reading this who has been betrayed by their spouse:

Reconciliation (for me) was not even a possibility. I would be much worse off had I tried that.

Immediate decisive action is very important - both in taking care of yourself and in dealing with your situation. That doesn't mean run out and start doing crazy stuff. Get advice, get a plan, and get moving.

Seriously - take care of yourself. That's the best part of all this for me. Only you are in control of you - don't let another person's thoughts or actions drag you down. I'm so much better off emotionally and physically now than I have been for years. The rot in my marriage and her behavior towards me (lying, gaslighting, etc.) was like poison that was slowly killing me. Get away from it! 

That brings me to my last point - trust your gut, your instincts, your inner voice! If you think something's wrong, do something! I wasted two years ignoring what I knew all along. 

Thanks again to everyone who provided support and advice!


----------



## Rob_1

Congratulations on your change up outlook in life. Just jeeo going ahead, don't bother looking back. Good luck. 👍


----------



## ConanHub

Great report and great advice!


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## My 8 year mistake

Hope my life turns out the same way..


----------



## oldshirt

anotherbrokenguy said:


> It's been a year since D-day so I though I would provide an update.
> What a year this has been. It's been filled with more stress, loss, and craziness than I thought I could ever handle. With that said, things are great! A quick download of things that have nothing to do with TAM and this topic. On top of the craziness of finding out my wife was cheating on me and dealing with all of that, I lost my father in May and had my own health issue in Aug - a ruptured disk in my neck that required a surgery. But as I said, despite everything, I'm doing great! So - here's the update.
> 
> The one year separation required by Virginia has been met and the divorce will be finalized soon. My STBXW agreed to everything I wanted in the separation agreement months ago. I have the house, my son lives with me full time, my daughter is off at college. All of our assets have been separated and accounts were divided back in Jan. It took me some time to get over feeling sorry for myself and to get used be being "alone". Lots of individual therapy and reading tons of books has helped me immensely. I have a completely different outlook on life and a much different view of myself. The vast majority of the advice I received from the members of TAM was exactly on point. I tried to follow the advice the best I could - getting a lawyer immediately - separating bank account - getting her to sign an agreement early on. The best thing that could have happened was getting her out of the house and shutting myself off from her. She had much further to fall and her continued craziness had little effect on me because I had distanced myself from her. As many people stated - what she told me about her infidelity turned out to be partial truth. There was more that turned up later and I'm just glad I wasn't trying to reconcile with her - it would have been messy and much more painful. She is the epitome of a serial cheater and a broken person. Also as many people predicted - she did come back about a month ago and begged for another chance. The harsh reality of losing what she so viciously tore apart and threw away (our relationship) has set in and she realizes her life is MUCH harder now. Again - it was easy for me to send her away because I have moved on. My kids are doing very well and have handled everything exceptionally. They do know what happened, although I chose not to tell them about her infidelity. I didn't want to seem like I was trying to turn them against their mother. There was no attempt at R so I saw no point in exposure to them (it would have simply been out of spite and I'm past that). I'm not sure how they found out and I really don't care - my relationship with my kids is the best its ever been.
> 
> Again - I worked very hard to follow the advice given by people on here. #1 - I took care of myself. I changed my diet, my lifestyle, my mindset, and my outlook. I've lost 45 pounds and work out at least 5 days a week. Running, weights, stretching...it's been great. I eat healthier and sleep better than I have in years. It's amazing what an effect those things have had on me both physically and emotionally. I continued with IC and that helped immensely. I've also read so much material on a wide variety of subjects from co-dependency to dealing with a narcissist. All of it has helped me to fundamentally see myself and the world around me in a different light. I've spent a great deal of time studying how I dealt with relationships and women in the past and I've learned so much about myself - and implemented changes to those broken behaviors. It has truly been amazing. #2 - I dealt with the realities of sorting through my divorce head on. I've already covered most of that so I won't repeat it - but I will say, taking decisive, laser focused action is so important and very liberating.
> 
> If you've read my earlier posts you know I was very worried about starting over at 48. Of course a lot of that stemmed from the shock of everything that happened to my relationship and my co-dependent tendencies. What a difference a year makes. The side benefit of my physical changes - and emotional changes - is that I am in high demand. It's not something I could have imagined and it's certainly different than anything I've experienced before. I have more dates than I can handle, and I've met some wonderful women. I'm not close to being ready to be in a LTR yet (and I'm brutally honest with everyone about that) but I'm enjoying the opportunity to meet great women and experience dating in a way I never dreamed of. I have a totally different focus on life and relationships now - I see things from a perspective of abundance as opposed to scarcity. It's amazing. Starting over from that respect was the least of my worries. All of the other things have been much more difficult, but the outcome has been good.
> 
> My words of wisdom (take that with a grain of salt) at this point to anyone reading this who has been betrayed by their spouse:
> 
> Reconciliation (for me) was not even a possibility. I would be much worse off had I tried that.
> 
> Immediate decisive action is very important - both in taking care of yourself and in dealing with your situation. That doesn't mean run out and start doing crazy stuff. Get advice, get a plan, and get moving.
> 
> Seriously - take care of yourself. That's the best part of all this for me. Only you are in control of you - don't let another person's thoughts or actions drag you down. I'm so much better off emotionally and physically now than I have been for years. The rot in my marriage and her behavior towards me (lying, gaslighting, etc.) was like poison that was slowly killing me. Get away from it!
> 
> That brings me to my last point - trust your gut, your instincts, your inner voice! If you think something's wrong, do something! I wasted two years ignoring what I knew all along.
> 
> Thanks again to everyone who provided support and advice!



Thank you for the update!!


You have done a great job of disengaging yourself from a toxic person and toxic marriage and have gone on to make a great new life for yourself and your children. 

You have done the right things and taken the right steps and are now reaping the natural benefits. 

I strongly and sincerely urge you to pay it forward and stay here on TAM and help others by sharing the things you have learned and experienced and give them the encouragement and support they need while they are in the hot seat. 

I think the advice you posted above is spot-on and your positive outcome from taking those actions are the rule rather than the exception and that you are living proof that it works. 

Please stay and help others in similar situations!


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## Noble1

Thanks for the great update.

Sometimes is a real downer to read on this site due to all the 'negative stories' so its great to see some that actually workout for the best sometimes.


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## Taxman

Thank you for the update. We all knew she would darken your door. She is one of the multitude who start with someone at work, convince themselves that they have been missing out, make their spouses' lives abject misery and then when the realization that they just chucked their good life for uncertainty, penury and a step down in lifestyle. I have gotten calls from clients that the ex just randomly showed up on their doorstep, begging for another chance. In one particular case, she showed up on a Sunday morning. He comes down from the bedroom, and finds his XWW on the porch, mascara running, looking like she had just been hit by a freight train. She says to him that she made the biggest mistake of her life, and she knows that he is the only one for her, and she will do anything for him to take her back. At just that moment, his new FIANCE comes down from the bedroom, smiles at his ex, flashes a major diamond ring, and shuts the door in her face. The scream could be heard for miles. She could hear them laughing at her through the door.


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## Thound

I love a happy ending and a new beginning


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## sokillme

Well I am adding you to the HOF.

Please stick around and pay it forward. That is what everyone here did for you.

By the way like my post said last year, you are only half way there. Wait to you meet the right girl who is not crazy like your ex, you are going to be shocked, very happy but somewhat annoyed that you were willing to put up with all of this.

I am curious what she said to you when she asked to come back? What was your response? What is she doing now?


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## MattMatt

@anotherbrokenguy Thanks for checking in. A good news story, which is always welcome!


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## MattMatt

@anotherbrokenguy Thanks for checking in. A good news story, which is always welcome!


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## bandit.45

Wowza!


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## anotherbrokenguy

In response to sokillme's questions. She came back and said she was hoping we could try and work it out. This was after her most recent AP came over to her condo and screamed at her in front of all the neighbors and dumped a soda over her head (in my previous posts I mentioned this guy was crazy). We seemingly had a great life together - I treated her with nothing but love and respect - we were very well off with a large house, swimming pool, vacations, nice cars, money in the bank. I realize these things mean nothing in the grand scheme of a relationship, just trying to set the stage a bit. I now have all that, my son lives with me full time, my daughter is off at college. She lives alone in a pretty nice condo, but is alone with a tarnished reputation to keep her company. She asked if we could try again, telling me she realizes how stupid she was, how great a guy I am, how she realizes she messed everything up, etc. etc. I'm over the anger and I have no ill will for her at this point. I simply said what she did to me for so many years was unrecoverable and stated I wouldn't allow myself to be haunted by her bad behavior and I would never put myself back in that situation. She thanked me for my honesty and that was it. As I've said before - I want nothing more than for her to pull herself together so she can be the best mother she can be to our kids. I hope she does.


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## Taxman

Anotherbrokenguy; The further away from the marriage, the more she will romanticize it in her mind. This, as well is the cheater mindset. I find it fascinating that people such as your XWW can re-write history in their own head to satisfy their whim of the moment. She is the author of her own demise. She will not let you alone, as at some point she will go from requesting another chance to demanding. I have had exactly one client, in your particular circumstance. She blew off the 30 year marriage for a younger guy. Once she was free of the marriage, the young guy dumped her. Basically told her that she was nice to ****, but there was no relationship, and he was frankly embarrassed to be seen with an "OLD" woman. In short, her world crashed. She had lost her house, her children, her career, everything to bang a younger dude, who dropped her like a hot potato. She attempted to open up communication with her ex. She showed up on his doorstep, she made an absolute pest of herself. She kept asking why he did not want her. He replied that she had tossed him and their life together away like so much used Kleenex. He saw her as typhoid Mary. He got physically ill thinking of her. Eventually, we advised that he take out an RO. She would now cut off her right arm if he asked. Too bad he will never ask.


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## wmn1

Taxman said:


> Anotherbrokenguy; The further away from the marriage, the more she will romanticize it in her mind. This, as well is the cheater mindset. I find it fascinating that people such as your XWW can re-write history in their own head to satisfy their whim of the moment. She is the author of her own demise. She will not let you alone, as at some point she will go from requesting another chance to demanding. I have had exactly one client, in your particular circumstance. She blew off the 30 year marriage for a younger guy. Once she was free of the marriage, the young guy dumped her. Basically told her that she was nice to ****, but there was no relationship, and he was frankly embarrassed to be seen with an "OLD" woman. In short, her world crashed. She had lost her house, her children, her career, everything to bang a younger dude, who dropped her like a hot potato. She attempted to open up communication with her ex. She showed up on his doorstep, she made an absolute pest of herself. She kept asking why he did not want her. He replied that she had tossed him and their life together away like so much used Kleenex. He saw her as typhoid Mary. He got physically ill thinking of her. Eventually, we advised that he take out an RO. She would now cut off her right arm if he asked. Too bad he will never ask.


sad story but good for your client. He deserves better. As if she deserved a second chance ?? Not !!


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## bandit.45

Too little too late. She brings nothing back to the table.


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## [email protected]

bandit.45 has it right. She can't give you anything but more grief.


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## anotherbrokenguy

Just to be clear - I would never dream of taking her back. Perhaps there is a time and place for attempts at reconciliation after infidelity in some relationships - mine is not one of them. There is nothing she could say or do that would sway me at all. This last year has given me the time and distance to work through the trauma and grief of what she put me through.


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## Marc878

anotherbrokenguy said:


> In response to sokillme's questions. She came back and said she was hoping we could try and work it out. This was after her most recent AP came over to her condo and screamed at her in front of all the neighbors and dumped a soda over her head (in my previous posts I mentioned this guy was crazy). We seemingly had a great life together - I treated her with nothing but love and respect - we were very well off with a large house, swimming pool, vacations, nice cars, money in the bank. I realize these things mean nothing in the grand scheme of a relationship, just trying to set the stage a bit. I now have all that, my son lives with me full time, my daughter is off at college. She lives alone in a pretty nice condo, but is alone with a tarnished reputation to keep her company. *She asked if we could try again, telling me she realizes how stupid she was, how great a guy I am, how she realizes she messed everything up, etc. etc.* I'm over the anger and I have no ill will for her at this point. I simply said what she did to me for so many years was unrecoverable and stated I wouldn't allow myself to be haunted by her bad behavior and I would never put myself back in that situation. She thanked me for my honesty and that was it. As I've said before - I want nothing more than for her to pull herself together so she can be the best mother she can be to our kids. I hope she does.


Translation: I miss eating the cake you were feeding me. Can I have some more?

I really like Being a serial cheater but I promise I'll hide it better next time >


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## Marc878

anotherbrokenguy said:


> Just to be clear - I would never dream of taking her back. Perhaps there is a time and place for attempts at reconciliation after infidelity in some relationships - mine is not one of them. There is nothing she could say or do that would sway me at all. This last year has given me the time and distance to work through the trauma and grief of what she put me through.


It's funny how clarity sets in after you wake up, get out of denial, take off the rose colored glasses and kick the pedestal out from under them.

It's good you see her for who she is. The final act is anger turning into pity but not wanting to be near it.

The good thing is your son is 16 so you can go almost complete no contact. That's a must for you.


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## Taxman

Like I say this is such a recurring theme in this. You want to shove stories such as this in front of anyone remotely considering messing up their lives like this. A primer to infidelity. A reveal of the future, if you will.


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## TDSC60

anotherbrokenguy said:


> Just to be clear - I would never dream of taking her back. Perhaps there is a time and place for attempts at reconciliation after infidelity in some relationships - mine is not one of them. There is nothing she could say or do that would sway me at all. This last year has given me the time and distance to work through the trauma and grief of what she put me through.


You said that during this last year you have learned a lot more that would have made R impossible even if you had tried.

What?


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## jlg07

Yeah ABG, I saw this "There was more that turned up later and I'm just glad I wasn't trying to reconcile with her - it would have been messy and much more painful."
Shows that R is usually a VERY tough thing to achieve, and many times would not be the correct path -- especially since your wife wasn't remorseful and was still in contact with the POSOM.

What else did you find out?

Also, how is the relationship of your kids with HER? I was surprised to originally read that your daughter decided to stay with her (although now in college).


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## GusPolinski

TDSC60 said:


> You said that during this last year you have learned a lot more that would have made R impossible even if you had tried.
> 
> What?


I took that to mean that he learned a lot about himself, the nature of infidelity, and why he’d never be able to reconcile.


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## Vinnydee

What you did is akin to flapping your arms when falling form a 100 story building. Feels like you are doing something, but in reality you are fooling yourself into thinking that the outcome is going to be different than it is heading for.


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## Buffer

✊👍


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## Beach123

Nice progress and good job being strong!!


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## Lila

Zombie thread. Closing


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