# Caught wife sexting 3 months ago



## Durable67

Hi, been lurking for about a week and just joined today - first post.

My wife and I have been married for 13 years and have 3 lovely kids. She is a very attractive 43 year old who, over the last couple of years, has taken up running and keeping fit in general - giving her a very toned figure. Over this period she started wearing tighter, more revealing clothes (particularly to work) as well as colouring her hair and using anti-ageing creams. When I would mention the change, she would say that there is nothing wrong with taking a pride in one's appearance. Which there isn't!

I had a vague gut instinct that this was not the only reason for the change, but nothing I could base it on for sure. I did comment on how, whenever there was a work's night out, pictures would be posted on social media sites in which she always seemed to be sitting next to the same guy (late twenties who works in her team) - she told me they are just good friends and that it is purely coincidental. 

Whilst I work the traditional 9-5, My w is often off during the day. She would frustrate me by how little house work she would do during whilst I was at work (another reason for my starting to have suspicions).

10 months ago, I had my first real indication that it wasn't all in my mind when I read an FB conversation between her and the co-worker of whom I already had suspicions. She had stayed the night in a hotel at a work function and they were debating if anyone had suspected or mentioned anything. On reading it my heart missed a beat and I confronted her. She said it was because he had given her a line of coke but it could easily have read that they had spent the night together. She swore to me that this was not the case and I chose to believe her but became more and more suspicious. This was further exacerbated when she came back from another works function at 6am looking like she had been dragged through a hedge backwards. To both functions she put on all-over tan, even though the only bit of flesh on show were her arms and neck

Our relationship started to go through a rocky period, where physical contact and affection were replaced with frostiness and distance. During this time, my wife was always messaging on her mobile and regularly changing the password (one which she had previously given to the kids). She said it was because she would sometimes talk to her friends about our relationship and that she didn't want me to read these personal thoughts.

5 months ago we had a thaw and started really trying again, although she still shied from physical contact, she said she was trying and that it wouldn't happen overnight. She would still stay up late, often coming to bed after I was asleep, but we were now talking and even went out on a couple of occasions. My doubts were still there, to the extent that I would ask her if there was someone else, but she would always answer no, that I was being paranoid.

Then, 3 months ago, d-day arrived, she was showering before going out with some girlfriends when I stumbled across her phone, I had seen her type in her code a few days previously, tried it and it opened. After looking at a couple of innocent texts I opened Whatsapp and started reading the most graphic series of texts between her and the co-worker I had had my suspicions about. Text after text all sent on the same day, when I was also in the house and when she had, for once, gone to bed early.

They discussed a variety of sexual positions, what she would do to him, whose house was the best to meet in, how his friends suspected. I lost it, barging into the bathroom to confront her, there followed a scene from War of The Roses, at the end of which she agreed to tell me everything, to show me all the texts (for all my back-scrolling, I never even managed to get past one day's worth of exchanges) if I would give her her phone back. I stupidly believed her and she deleted everything (said it was because she was embarrassed).

She says it was a stupid, non-physical affair by text only that lasted only a month. I really want to believe her, but am I an idiot to do so?

How can I know for sure? We are now having the best sex we have ever had but I think all trust is now gone.

Sorry for length of post!


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## GusPolinski

Durable67 said:


> Hi, been lurking for about a week and just joined today - first post.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 13 years and have 3 lovely kids. She is a very attractive 43 year old who, over the last couple of years, has taken up running and keeping fit in general - giving her a very toned figure. Over this period she started wearing tighter, more revealing clothes (particularly to work) as well as colouring her hair and using anti-ageing creams. When I would mention the change, she would say that there is nothing wrong with taking a pride in one's appearance. Which there isn't!
> 
> I had a vague gut instinct that this was not the only reason for the change, but nothing I could base it on for sure. I did comment on how, whenever there was a work's night out, pictures would be posted on social media sites in which she always seemed to be sitting next to the same guy (late twenties who works in her team) - she told me they are just good friends and that it is purely coincidental.
> 
> Whilst I work the traditional 9-5, My w is often off during the day. She would frustrate me by how little house work she would do during whilst I was at work (another reason for my starting to have suspicions).
> 
> 10 months ago, I had my first real indication that it wasn't all in my mind when I read an FB conversation between her and the co-worker of whom I already had suspicions. She had stayed the night in a hotel at a work function and they were debating if anyone had suspected or mentioned anything. On reading it my heart missed a beat and I confronted her. She said it was because he had given her a line of coke but it could easily have read that they had spent the night together. She swore to me that this was not the case and I chose to believe her but became more and more suspicious. This was further exacerbated when she came back from another works function at 6am looking like she had been dragged through a hedge backwards. To both functions she put on all-over tan, even though the only bit of flesh on show were her arms and neck
> 
> Our relationship started to go through a rocky period, where physical contact and affection were replaced with frostiness and distance. During this time, my wife was always messaging on her mobile and regularly changing the password (one which she had previously given to the kids). She said it was because she would sometimes talk to her friends about our relationship and that she didn't want me to read these personal thoughts.
> 
> 5 months ago we had a thaw and started really trying again, although she still shied from physical contact, she said she was trying and that it wouldn't happen overnight. She would still stay up late, often coming to bed after I was asleep, but we were now talking and even went out on a couple of occasions. My doubts were still there, to the extent that I would ask her if there was someone else, but she would always answer no, that I was being paranoid.
> 
> Then, 3 months ago, d-day arrived, she was showering before going out with some girlfriends when I stumbled across her phone, I had seen her type in her code a few days previously, tried it and it opened. After looking at a couple of innocent texts I opened Whatsapp and started reading the most graphic series of texts between her and the co-worker I had had my suspicions about. Text after text all sent on the same day, when I was also in the house and when she had, for once, gone to bed early.
> 
> They discussed a variety of sexual positions, what she would do to him, whose house was the best to meet in, how his friends suspected. I lost it, barging into the bathroom to confront her, there followed a scene from War of The Roses, at the end of which she agreed to tell me everything, to show me all the texts (for all my back-scrolling, I never even managed to get past one day's worth of exchanges) if I would give her her phone back. I stupidly believed her and she deleted everything (said it was because she was embarrassed).
> 
> She says it was a stupid, non-physical affair by text only that lasted only a month. I really want to believe her, but am I an idiot to do so?
> 
> How can I know for sure? We are now having the best sex we have ever had but I think all trust is now gone.
> 
> Sorry for length of post!


Well, one question at a time...

Is she still working w/ this guy?


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## drifting on

Is the OM married or have a girlfriend?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Durable67

He lives with a girl and they still work in same place but different section now


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## ThePheonix

Durable67 said:


> How can I know for sure? We are now having the best sex we have ever had but I think all trust is now gone.


I know for sure she F'd him. At least I'd bet some serious money on it. Dawg, look at what's went on; sex with you went to hell, her getting is shape, dressing sexy, blatant descriptive messages, concern that people noticed their hotel behavior, etc. The only thing you don't have is a video. And there may be one floating around.
Dawg, I hate to be this blunt cuz its your wife and all, by now having the best sex means little as to whether she's giving it up for another guy. The best sex ever is likely what the other guy is also getting. 
I'm afraid the honeymoon is over my man.


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## Chaparral

The question is are you an idiot for believing her. The answer is yes.

You know and we know it. Are you ok with staying with someone like that?

What kind of phone does she have? You my be able to recover what was deleted. She even lied in your face and deleted the evidence and you ask if you can trust her?


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## Durable67

Her behaviour has changed completely towards me - affectionate, considerate, caring.
But you're right - far too coincidental to believe nothing else happened.
The issue is, I still love her


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## GusPolinski

GusPolinski said:


> Well, one question at a time...
> 
> Is she still working w/ this guy?





Durable67 said:


> He lives with a girl and they still work in same place but different section now


Hmm. Ideally she'd have gotten another job, but, depending on the degree to which any opportunity for them to regularly interact has been mitigated, I suppose that will suffice. Or not. Either way, while it wouldn't fly w/ me, it's your marriage, and I guess you'll find out in the end.

Anyway, next question...

Is she now being transparent w/ her electronic devices (phone, tablet, computer, laptop, etc), as well as her e-mail and social media accounts?

And, by the way, I'm inclined to agree w/ ThePheonix w/ respect to this having been/being a full-blown, _physical_ affair.

And oh, one more question -- is drug use regular for your and/or your wife? Not judging at all, just wondering.


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## Durable67

iPhone 6 but I cannot get into it because of passcode


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## ThePheonix

Chaparral said:


> She even lied in your face and deleted the evidence and you ask if you can trust her?


Ya Chappy, he can trust her. So do you and I; to do exactly like she's been doing.


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## Durable67

Over a decade ago we did a lot of clubbing - she may have taken coke twice in last decade


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## thummper

Durable67 said:


> Hi, been lurking for about a week and just joined today - first post.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 13 years and have 3 lovely kids. She is a very attractive 43 year old who, over the last couple of years, has taken up running and keeping fit in general - giving her a very toned figure. Over this period she started wearing tighter, more revealing clothes (particularly to work) as well as colouring her hair and using anti-ageing creams. When I would mention the change, she would say that there is nothing wrong with taking a pride in one's appearance. Which there isn't!
> 
> I had a vague gut instinct that this was not the only reason for the change, but nothing I could base it on for sure. I did comment on how, whenever there was a work's night out, pictures would be posted on social media sites in which she always seemed to be sitting next to the same guy (late twenties who works in her team) - she told me they are just good friends and that it is purely coincidental.
> 
> Whilst I work the traditional 9-5, My w is often off during the day. She would frustrate me by how little house work she would do during whilst I was at work (another reason for my starting to have suspicions).
> 
> 10 months ago, I had my first real indication that it wasn't all in my mind when I read an FB conversation between her and the co-worker of whom I already had suspicions. She had stayed the night in a hotel at a work function and they were debating if anyone had suspected or mentioned anything. On reading it my heart missed a beat and I confronted her. She said it was because he had given her a line of coke but it could easily have read that they had spent the night together. She swore to me that this was not the case and I chose to believe her but became more and more suspicious. This was further exacerbated when she came back from another works function at 6am looking like she had been dragged through a hedge backwards. To both functions she put on all-over tan, even though the only bit of flesh on show were her arms and neck
> 
> Our relationship started to go through a rocky period, where physical contact and affection were replaced with frostiness and distance. During this time, my wife was always messaging on her mobile and regularly changing the password (one which she had previously given to the kids). She said it was because she would sometimes talk to her friends about our relationship and that she didn't want me to read these personal thoughts.
> 
> 5 months ago we had a thaw and started really trying again, although she still shied from physical contact, she said she was trying and that it wouldn't happen overnight. She would still stay up late, often coming to bed after I was asleep, but we were now talking and even went out on a couple of occasions. My doubts were still there, to the extent that I would ask her if there was someone else, but she would always answer no, that I was being paranoid.
> 
> Then, 3 months ago, d-day arrived, she was showering before going out with some girlfriends when I stumbled across her phone, I had seen her type in her code a few days previously, tried it and it opened. After looking at a couple of innocent texts I opened Whatsapp and started reading the most graphic series of texts between her and the co-worker I had had my suspicions about. Text after text all sent on the same day, when I was also in the house and when she had, for once, gone to bed early.
> 
> They discussed a variety of sexual positions, what she would do to him, whose house was the best to meet in, how his friends suspected. I lost it, barging into the bathroom to confront her, there followed a scene from War of The Roses, at the end of which she agreed to tell me everything, to show me all the texts (for all my back-scrolling, I never even managed to get past one day's worth of exchanges) if I would give her her phone back. I stupidly believed her and she deleted everything (said it was because she was embarrassed).
> 
> She says it was a stupid, non-physical affair by text only that lasted only a month. *I really want to believe her, but am I an idiot to do so?*
> How can I know for sure? We are now having the best sex we have ever had but I think all trust is now gone.
> 
> Sorry for length of post!


To answer your question: YEP!!!!!  The "best sex" is merely hysterical bonding caused by your finding out what she's been up to with this other guy. Tip of the iceberg, my friend, only the tip of the iceberg.


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## FatherofTwo

I've been thru the exact same scenario and believed my wife when in fact there was indeed much more that went on. 

Look deep inside yourself and start asking yourself what needs to be done and what do you want out of this ? Good luck.


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## GusPolinski

Durable67 said:


> iPhone 6 but I cannot get into it because of passcode


Well, that's bad. She's betrayed you, and trust has to be re-earned. That can't be done if she's keeping secrets. It's time for transparency!

Nut up and demand the passcode.


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## Durable67

She offers me her phone to look at, but I don't have the code to access it on my terms


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## Chaparral

Durable67 said:


> Her behaviour has changed completely towards me - affectionate, considerate, caring.
> But you're right - far too coincidental to believe nothing else happened.
> The issue is, I still love her


The issue is that she neither loves or respects you.

Also, cutting back on sex is a sure thing she was trying to be faithful to him. No change in your sex life would probably mean they were having an Emotional Affair. Increasing sex is just to keep you hooked. It means nothing regarding her affair. There is no reason you have shown to believe they are not still hooking up. 

If they still work where there is any contact the affair cannot die.

You need to var (voice activated recorder , sony 60 dollars at walmart) her car and your house. GPS her car, find my phone on her phone, pen var for her purse.

You will soon find out who she is texting and talking to and what her real feelings are.


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## GusPolinski

Durable67 said:


> She offers me her phone to look at, but I don't have the code to access it on my terms


I'll refer you to my previous reply...



GusPolinski said:


> Well, that's bad. She's betrayed you, and trust has to be re-earned. That can't be done if she's keeping secrets. It's time for transparency!
> 
> *Nut up and DEMAND the passcode.*


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## GusPolinski

More questions...

1) What kind of phone do YOU use?

2) If you use an iPhone as well, do you happen to share an Apple iCloud/iTunes account w/ your wife? In other words, do you use the same account on your phone that she uses on hers?

3) If she has her own iTunes/iCloud account, do you have the e-mail address and password associated w/ the account?

4) Do you know the password for the e-mail account associated w/ her iCloud/iTunes account? Note that this is a different question than the question asked in #3.


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## Chaparral

Do you have access to her phone bill?


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## ThePheonix

Durable67 said:


> The issue is, I still love her


No dawg, the issue is she doesn't love you; not at a level to keep other men out of her pants. Women don't stay faithful because some man loves them. If that were true, the neighbor's daughter wouldn't have dated other guys because my son's buddy was madly in love with her. They stay faithful because they love some man.


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## italianjob

I'm sorry to tell you this, but you've been reacting really slowly and you've also been really gullible (and still are, I'm afraid).

The affair was already on when you caught the exchange on FB 10 months ago or so, and, yes, it's quite obvious it was and still is, physical.

I mean, after you saw that FB chat she comes back wasted at 6 am from a work event, and you don't look into it?

The fact that she deleted all posts and still has her phone password protected speaks volumes about the real nature of the affair and the fact that it's still ongoing.

But your gut knows this, doesn't it?, that's why you're posting here, again with a slow reaction (3 months later?)


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## BetrayedDad

Step one is FULL transparency and access to all devices. If you can't even get that and you have no kids then bail.... Your wife is blowing more than just coke.


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## Squeakr

Since it is an iPhone 6. when she hands it to you, then train/save your finger print in the touch id setup and then from that point on you should be able to access it with your print when you need to. Just a thought.


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## Chaparral

Read the two books linked to below.

Here's why she had/is having an affair. It sounds illogical, but the fact she was having sex with another man and you didn't stop it makes her dislike you even more. Even after it was obvious what was going on, you pretended not to believe she was cheating. Yo told yourself you had to catch her in the act.

She know almost every man she knows would have put her sh!t in bags, left them on the porch and locked her out long before 6am rolled around.

If my wife rolled in at 6 am, I would never speak to her again. She would have to go through a lawyer to even contact me.


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## Durable67

GusPolinski said:


> More questions...
> 
> 1) What kind of phone do YOU use?
> 
> Iphone6
> 
> 2) If you use an iPhone as well, do you happen to share an Apple iCloud/iTunes account w/ your wife? In other words, do you use the same account on your phone that she uses on hers?
> 
> No
> 
> 3) If she has her own iTunes/iCloud account, do you have the e-mail address and password associated w/ the account?
> 
> Email only
> 
> 4) Do you know the password for the e-mail account associated w/ her iCloud/iTunes account? Note that this is a different question than the question asked in #3.


No

Not much help!


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## Tobyboy

What happened to her old phone before the iPhone 6?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Durable67

Tobyboy said:


> What happened to her old phone before the iPhone 6?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


May still be in house - not sure


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## GusPolinski

Tobyboy said:


> What happened to her old phone before the iPhone 6?





Durable67 said:


> May still be in house - not sure


Was it an iPhone as well? Did you reset it?

Do you have or can you get access to the phone bill? If so, check it to see if she's texting/calling another number more than usual. Or, at the very least, more than she's texting/calling you.

Since she was using WhatsApp previously, though, that's probably unlikely.


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## badmemory

My take OP,

- All the evidence points to a PA. With their opportunity to hook up, the sexting, her deceit. You absolutely should assume that it's a PA. But in the meantime, you should continue to look for the smoking gun. If she hasn't wiped her phone, you should be able to get those deleted texts before she started using whats app - if you follow the advice here. A VAR in her car would be advised also. 

- You failed to give her any real consequences for her infidelity. A huge mistake. (No exposure, no full transparency from her, no STD test, no no-contact letter from her to the OM, etc.) She assumed rightly that offering sex to you again would placate you and you allowed the whole thing to be rug swept. Now she's just being more careful.

- Her non-transparency to include her failure to give you her pass codes, should be completely *unacceptable* to you. That should be a non-negotiable, divorce provoking action to you.

Make yourself and expert on stealth technology and go get your smoking gun. My guess is you'll confirm the PA soon.


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## Chaparral

Are you saying she lets you have the phone but doesn't give you the password?

Its four digits, if you watch you may be able to figure it out or thing of memorable years like I do.

Doe she leave it laying around or is it glued to her hip/hand?


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## GusPolinski

Chaparral said:


> Are you saying she lets you have the phone but doesn't give you the password?
> 
> *Its four digits*, if you watch you may be able to figure it out or thing of memorable years like I do.
> 
> Doe she leave it laying around or is it glued to her hip/hand?


Not necessarily. Toggling off the "Simple Passcode" (Settings > General > Passcode) option allows for passcodes that are much longer than just 4 digits. In fact, they don't even have to be _solely_ numeric.


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## Chaparral

GusPolinski said:


> Not necessarily. Toggling off the "Simple Passcode" (Settings > General > Passcode) option allows for passcodes that are much longer than just 4 digits. In fact, they don't even have to be _solely_ numeric.


Only you and Sheldon Cooper know that though.


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## Chaparral

Could this help from razgor

_One of the tricks a WS may employ is to download an app to their phone, send the messages/talk and then delete the app. Leaving no trail. The WS may feel confident and leave the phone unattended, because they think it is safe. However on the IPhone, the log records which apps are being used during a day. Even if the app is deleted the log will record it. The log also captures how many times the app is opened. It is fairly easy to check the log, but you do need a few minutes with the phone to check.

On IOS7 go to Settings – General – About – Diagnostics & Usage – and Diagnostic & Usage Data 

There will be tons of logs here, but you are looking for records that start with “log-aggregated” and then a date string follows.

You are looking for a section called ADActivatedAppInfo. Each APP that was activated for that day will have a small section. Also, the names may appear a little cryptic, but I found a quick google of the name would return the real app used. The app name will always start with a .com. It records every app, even the standard apple ones. I would recommend that you ignore any of the apps with "apple" in the name. You are looking for hidden apps here!

Also in the log is a section called ADScalars. It lists the app and then the next line beneath it shows how many times the app was opened during that day.

Here is a sample from my own log:
<key>appActivationCount.com.facebook.Messenger</key>
<integer>2</integer>
This shows that I opened facebook messenger twice on the day of the log.

Again, deleting the app will *not* remove it from the usage log. 

I would recommend opening the log, copying it and emailing it to yourself. You will want to delete your email to yourself. With a little practice you can do this under ten minutes. 

This will not tell you the details of the usage. But simply what apps your spouse is using and how often. Obviously it is a massive red flag, if they are using an app a lot and it is not currently installed on their phone when you look at it. 
_


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## Clay2013

Did you ever get that feeling you should have taken the Red Pill? 

Clay


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## PhillyGuy13

So she lets you have the phone but doesn't tell you the passcode? Insanity. 

Problem at this point is you aren't going to find anything on that phone. It's been scrubbed clean. Check out the Standard Evidence Thread in this section. It will be near the top of the list. Maybe a way to get deleted information. But you need to go on the assumption that it's already gone physical. You've seen and heard enough, and its been said to you for the past two pages. It went physical, no doubt about it. See a lawyer or three Monday morning. 

When doing a line of coke is the lesser of two evils... Smh.


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## 6301

Look. In a situation like this, it's the cheater that does all the heavy lifting. In other words she should be doing everything to show you that she's remorseful but for some reason your letting her slide and for what. Real good sex?

After what she did and probably still doing IMO the last thing I would want is to be in bed with her after she gave it away to some bum she works with and by you just flipping out because she threw you a wowzer of a piece over the past few weeks, she knows that she has you where she wants you.

Got news for you friend after she gave away what was once supposed to be yours, how good can it be. You better wise up real quick or your in for a real crappy life.


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## GusPolinski

We should all probably CTFO until we hear back from OP.


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## happyman64

:iagree:

Hopefully he finds not just his nuts but his brains too.

Because if my wife acted this way, then lied about it she would be on a date with me within a few days for a polygraph.

HM


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## lordmayhem

If they texted each other using the normal text app or iMessage, then its possible to retrieve the deleted text from the backup files. Connect the iPhone to your computer and sync it to iTunes. Then use the various programs to retrieve the texts from the backup file.


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## GusPolinski

lordmayhem said:


> If they texted each other using the normal text app or iMessage, then its possible to retrieve the deleted text from the backup files. Connect the iPhone to your computer and sync it to iTunes. Then use the various programs to retrieve the texts from the backup file.


Just putting it out there, but some apps will restore SnapChat and WhatsApp messages as well. I'm pretty sure that Wondershare Dr. Fone will do it.


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## OnTheRocks

You don't need any more covert evidence, unless you are in a State where infidelity matters. Plus, she's in full lockdown mode now. If someone told you your story, what would you think? Her stories are 50% plausible at best, and that was just the coke thing several months ago. The more recent explanations are more like 10%. 

Assume it's a full blown PA based on what you know, and start making decisions from there.


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## lordmayhem

OnTheRocks said:


> You don't need any more covert evidence, unless you are in a State where infidelity matters. Plus, she's in full lockdown mode now. If someone told you your story, what would you think? Her stories are 50% plausible at best, and that was just the coke thing several months ago. The more recent explanations are more like 10%.
> 
> Assume it's a full blown PA based on what you know, and start making decisions from there.


I agree, however, most BSs what undeniable evidence. Because the tactic most cheaters do on D-Day is the DDD (Deny, Deny, Deny). They will swear to God, on the Bible, and even on their children or parents lives. It may not matter in court, but it does matter to the BS. And for many BSs, especially men, it could mean the difference between going for R or D because for some men (and some women), a PA is the deal breaker. He needs to know the undeniable truth.


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## workindad

Durable67 said:


> She offers me her phone to look at, but I don't have the code to access it on my terms


Good- take it next time and tell her you want to use wondershare on it to check for any deleted messages. Tell her it retrieves deleted messages from apps like snapchat etc.

Then ask if there is anything she wants to tell you first.

If she hovers over her phone or demands it back....


Of course- she should just give you the code.

Good luck
WD


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## GusPolinski

workindad said:


> Good- take it next time and tell her you want to use wondershare on it to check for any deleted messages. Tell her it retrieves deleted messages from apps like snapchat etc.
> 
> Then ask if there is anything she wants to tell you first.
> 
> If she hovers over her phone or demands it back....
> 
> 
> *Of course- she should just give you the code.*
> 
> Good luck
> WD


As well as the password for (a) her iCloud account, and (b) the e-mail account associated w/ the iCloud account.


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## Q tip

Have her served with D papers. Maybe that will wake her up. You can always cancel the D. She needs consequences for her actions.

Get an STD test for yourself.

Man up. Read Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay. You're a story right out of it.


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## BobSimmons

Durable67 said:


> Her behaviour has changed completely towards me - affectionate, considerate, caring.
> But you're right - far too coincidental to believe nothing else happened.
> The issue is, I still love her


Stop the sex. You're not dealing with the issue of why she cheated and why she was talking to another man about letting him bang her.

This is keep you quiet/happy/off guard sex


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## BigTexDad

This sounds identical to my case. Wife is same age, etc. but the only difference is my wife is a stay at home mom. No illegal drug use. But it all sounds identical. Caught my wife 2 years ago sexting random men that certainly were not her type. But yes, lat night busy phone texting, changing passwords on everything, then getting caught, then claiming nothing physical happened and almost like she wanted to "prove" nothing happened with the best sex of our marriage. It was nothing more than guilt sex. I am about to habe my wife served. Once a cheater always a cheater.


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## Kallan Pavithran

Durable67 said:


> *She offers me her phone to look at, but I don't have the code to access it* on my terms


REALLY?........


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:



Why she is giving you the phone to enjoy the beauty of her phone?


MAN UP man Dont be this much.........


----------



## ricky15100

Kallan Pavithran said:


> REALLY?........
> 
> 
> :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
> 
> 
> 
> Why she is giving you the phone to enjoy the beauty of her phone?
> 
> 
> MAN UP man Dont be this much.........


I think what he means is, she unlocks the phone when she allows him to see (probably when she's cleaned it of any incriminating evidence) but won't give him the code so that he can check it when he wants


----------



## Durable67

She gives me the phone, unlocked. As has been stated by others, a pointless exercise, since she will be hyper-vigilant re what is on it. 

With regards to where next and what to believe, the balance of probabilities may point towards a PA but I have nothing concrete that says it was. It was, however, definitely heading that way.

Can someone sleepwalk towards a place where they had no pre-meditated plan to visit? She says it started with innocent texting which developed into flirting then full-blown sexual fantasising but that it was never consummated. She says it feels like it was a different person.

Can you pull back (be pulled back) from the brink and look at what you were doing as if it were another person committing the actions? This is what she says it is like to her now and that, with all her heart, she loves me and wants to make our relationship work. She says she is ashamed of what she did.

And it's not just words - she has changed and life is good (though with lots of interspection on my behalf fuelled by various triggers). 

Guess I am saying, what do I lose by believing that she means what she says? If it is true then I save my marriage with someone I love and life-lessons learned. If I'm wrong, then I merely postpone the end


----------



## warlock07

Ok, I just read the first post. If you think this is a non-physical affair, that is you being in denial. No way.And that is being nice.



> at the end of which she agreed to tell me everything, to show me all the texts (for all my back-scrolling, I never even managed to get past one day's worth of exchanges) if I would give her her phone back. I stupidly believed her and she deleted everything (said it was because she was embarrassed).
> 
> She says it was a stupid, non-physical affair by text only that lasted only a month. I really want to believe her, but am I an idiot to do so?
> 
> How can I know for sure? We are now having the best sex we have ever had but I think all trust is now gone


Grade A certified gullible chump..


----------



## bryanp

She stays overnight in a hotel and admits that the OM gave her a line of coke. So I guess after she had her line of coke they stayed up all night talking about the crisis in Ukraine?

This is from a current medical website:
"In small doses, cocaine is used by some people as an aphrodisiac and can intensify sexual pleasure".

You cannot be serious to believe that she did not have sex with this OM in a hotel overnight after they shared a line of coke together? You are in serious big time denial. 
Get tested for STD's now.


----------



## italianjob

Durable67 said:


> She gives me the phone, unlocked. As has been stated by others, a pointless exercise, since she will be hyper-vigilant re what is on it.
> 
> With regards to where next and what to believe, the balance of probabilities may point towards a PA but I have nothing concrete that says it was. It was, however, definitely heading that way.
> 
> Can someone sleepwalk towards a place where they had no pre-meditated plan to visit? She says it started with innocent texting which developed into flirting then full-blown sexual fantasising but that it was never consummated. She says it feels like it was a different person.
> 
> Can you pull back (be pulled back) from the brink and look at what you were doing as if it were another person committing the actions? This is what she says it is like to her now and that, with all her heart, she loves me and wants to make our relationship work. She says she is ashamed of what she did.
> 
> And it's not just words - she has changed and life is good (though with lots of interspection on my behalf fuelled by various triggers).
> 
> Guess I am saying, what do I lose by believing that she means what she says? If it is true then I save my marriage with someone I love and life-lessons learned. If I'm wrong, then I merely postpone the end


If ignorance is bliss then you have nothing to lose.

The facts as you told 'em seems to point towards a physical affair that's been going on for almost a year, if you can do some math and add two and two.

By your time of reaction as previously stated I think that now that she knows she has to be vigilant she can hide things from you for as long as it's necessary for you to lose your suspicions. Then everything goes back to normal, including sex.
But, hey, if you're happy with that... it is your call.

But the mere fact that you posted here three months later seems to indicate that you're not really happy with that, or are you?


----------



## harrybrown

She had a PA.

Has she quit her job, and stopped having a phone?

she should give you the password to everything.

Did she go NC with the OM?

Sorry for your pain, but she was having a PA and may be still.

She just took it further underground.

Will she let you see all of the texts? She should write you a timeline of her A.


----------



## HarryDoyle

OP: "So, what's for dinner?" 


WS: "CAKE!"


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Durable67 said:


> she has changed and life is good (though with lots of interspection on my behalf fuelled by various triggers).


Is this translated as "I take 100% blame for her infidelity?" Do what you will and like many others, you'll be back because you never addressed the real problems.


----------



## ThePheonix

I think Durable knows what he's dealing with. He figures having her around and putting up with her past indiscretions is better than not having her. Like I heard a guy say once, "it'll wash off".
He's hanging his hat on her promise to stop her shenanigans and come back into the fold. 

I'd have more confidence of his success if he laid the rules out, had her sign off on them, and got unrestricted access to all her electronic equipment. It almost silly how he tolerates her toying with him about the cell phone. My old lady would tell me she not giving me her passwords twice. The first time and the last time. The same is true for her about my passwords. Any girl that wants to operate off my grid will be, at best, a casual date.


----------



## wmn1

Durable67 said:


> Her behaviour has changed completely towards me - affectionate, considerate, caring.
> But you're right - far too coincidental to believe nothing else happened.
> The issue is, I still love her


you better find a way to start detaching. Fast


----------



## TDSC60

Do you or do you not believe it went physical. A couple of hotels and early morning returns from nights out with work mates seem to indicate the worst.

If you have even a suspicion that it went physical, you will never heal completely from what she has done no matter how she acts currently. It is not unheard of for a cheating spouse to be the ideal wife at home to keep the betrayed spouse happy and still continue the cheating, just being more careful.

You will never be totally happy until you know the truth of what went on - even if it is over - you have to know what actions of hers that you are forgiving to move on.

Sorry to say I don't think she will ever admit to the whole truth.

One question - the nights out with friends has stopped - right?


----------



## Jibril

Durable67 said:


> She gives me the phone, unlocked. As has been stated by others, a pointless exercise, since she will be hyper-vigilant re what is on it.
> 
> *> Yes, a pointless show of "trust" is what this is. She's hoping to placate you by appearing honest and transparent. She is, without a doubt in my mind, carefully monitoring what you can and cannot see when she hands the phone to you.
> 
> So ask for the code, so you can look at the phone at your discretion.*
> 
> With regards to where next and what to believe, the balance of probabilities may point towards a PA but I have nothing concrete that says it was. It was, however, definitely heading that way.
> 
> *> Your wife had sex with her coworker. They've been having sex the entire time, since way back when your gut told you something was wrong months ago, if not years ago.
> 
> Consider it the collective experience of TAM, but your story is not unique, nor is your wife. Time and time again, when a spouse-in-question becomes emotionally distant, it is because they are emotionally engaged with someone else. And when they become physically distant, well, it should be no surprise to learn that they're physically, sexually engaged with someone else.
> 
> I quote "... we had a thaw and started really trying again, although she still shied from physical contact, she said she was trying and that it wouldn't happen overnight."
> 
> Why do you think she would need to get reaccustomed to her husband? Sorry Durable67, but we've seen this before, and seen it often. She can't have sex with you because she is having sex with her boyfriend, and she feels uncomfortable cheating on him with you. I know that's rough to read, but there really is no other explanation, and it is a sad cliche here on TAM. She's being loyal to her boyfriend. That's all there is to it.*
> 
> Can someone sleepwalk towards a place where they had no pre-meditated plan to visit? She says it started with innocent texting which developed into flirting then full-blown sexual fantasising but that it was never consummated. She says it feels like it was a different person.
> 
> *>Sure they can. People are fallible. They make mistakes and bad choices all the time. That's why we need to set boundaries and establish what we are and are not okay with. Especially with a marriage. Unfortunately, your wife has poor boundaries, and is only looking out for her own needs and not those of your marriage.*
> 
> Can you pull back (be pulled back) from the brink and look at what you were doing as if it were another person committing the actions? This is what she says it is like to her now and that, with all her heart, she loves me and wants to make our relationship work. She says she is ashamed of what she did.
> 
> *>Sure they can. But they need their pride and selfishness beaten out of them with truth, humility and consequences. Your wife has been having an affair with her coworker and has suffered absolutely no repercussions. She gets a passionate year-long tryst, and is rewarded with a secure marriage with a naive husband, and with the grim satisfaction of knowing she got away with it all.
> 
> She is certainly not being honest with you about the extent of the affair, as you damn well know because she has deleted the message history and controls what you can see on her phone. Which also means that she is neither humble or sorry that she did this to you. And the fact that they still work together? She is certainly not remorseful, and is in all likelihood still carrying on the affair, albeit more cautiously.*
> 
> And it's not just words - she has changed and life is good (though with lots of interspection on my behalf fuelled by various triggers).
> 
> Guess I am saying, what do I lose by believing that she means what she says? If it is true then I save my marriage with someone I love and life-lessons learned. If I'm wrong, then I merely postpone the end
> 
> >*Peace of mind is what you will lose. You shrug your shoulders and look at your situation hopefully and naively, but most men can't stomach betrayal and lies very well. I don't know you, but I imagine you are no different. Sooner or later, doubt will ruin the idyllic picture of marriage you are so desperately clinging to. Your own doubt will make you miserable.
> 
> And how could it not? You don't know the truth, and your gut is telling you she is hiding things from you. You don't know what, and you hope they're innocent lies, but you don't know. Your wife is playing it safe to placate you, so that you don't uncover too much and toss her ass out in the cold.
> 
> Ask yourself honestly: would you be here if you believed what your wife has told you?
> Is your love/sex life as fulfilling as it was in the past?
> Are you confident that your wife is loyal to you and the marriage?*


----------



## Roselyn

I'm a career woman; married ongoing for 35 years. Your wife is having a physical affair. She is partying and using coke. She is staying at hotels, not with her girl friends (as you would like to believe) but with a guy friend. Married women don't act this way. Wake up from your slumber, your wife is cheating.


----------



## tacoma

Durable67 said:


> May still be in house - not sure


Durable,
Find this old phone.

It may let you know how long this has been going on since she hasn't had that iPhone 6 very long.

It may also answer the questions you're obviously afraid to have answered.

She won't be guarding this old phone like she does the 6.
Find it.


----------



## Dyokemm

There is close to a 0% chance that this was NOT a PA.

As others have said, the texts you saw about their worrying about whether their hotel dalliances were noticed. the coming home at 6 AM in a disheveled state, the gut feeling you had when this all started, the loss of physical intimacy in your M, and the fact she lied to you about seeing the phone messages and deleted them ASAP all point to this obvious truth.

If a friend or relative came to you with this story would you tell him to not worry as his wife insists its just an EA/sexting A?

No...you would probably tell him to wake up and smell the coffee.

She is blatantly lying to you, and continuing her betrayal of you and her M vows by continuing to do so.

Tell her she will be taking a poly....give her that instant to tell you the truth to save her M, family, and the life she knows.

Inform her that if the poly reveals she is lying or she refuses to take it, then you will instantly file for D and remove her cheating, lying, traitorous self from your life completely and permanently.

Chances are good, if you insist on this and refuse to back down, she will crack and begin to confess.

She will likely try to minimize and trickle truth the extent of the betrayal.

DO NOT back away from the test...follow through.

If she starts to crack thank her for finally starting to be honest but insist she still take the test to verify that she has told you the entire extent of her betrayal, under the same conditions as before.

Chances are good that you will quickly get the vast majority of the truth.


----------



## weightlifter

Are you in one of the seven us states that infidelity matters?

If not. Jeez. Even i think you have enough to know she was screwing him.

If you need proof.
Top link in my signature. All you need. Step by step.


----------



## BigTexDad

Well I have been dealing with this Durable. And my wife did it two years ago and it was really a "game" to her to merely get guys to chase her. It had to be a confidence issue with her. I caught her, she was more embarrassed than anything and it was obvious that it never got physical with anyone. It was hurtful to me. To think she was looking outside the marriage for validation from random strangers. She stopped, we put rules in place. But then just recently it started back up again. I had told her last time if it happened again then I was out of here. She does not know that I know about this second time around. I found out because I received a strange text from my wife while on a hunting trip. She seemed "drunk" in the text. Given that I had learned not to trust her 2 years ago, I had installed Spectorsoft Pro on her laptop which runs unnoticed and captures screenshots, keystrokes, keywords, passwords, etc. When I returned from hunting, I pulled up the program and found all I needed to know. I was able to pull screenshots and now plan to use those to confront her when she is served with papers.

Here is what I learned from the first time around:

1. ) What ever you do, stop confronting her and play dumb. Act like you trust her again if you can. Then install stealth software, gather your facts, build your case. All the while acting like you are suspect of nothing.

2.) Use cell phone records and a calendar to put together timelines of phone calls, texts, and tie those to when she had the opportunity to cheat.

3.) Use credit card bills to help corroborate the timeline in #2.

4.) Take screenshots if you can and email them to a secret email address or store them on a flash drive she does not know about. Also, be sure to delete from your "sent" box so there is no record.

5.) Someone above mentioned that she may try to keep seeing the OM while taking the affair deeper underground. This can be done in many ways. She may have removed or deleted the "Whatsapp" (the cheaters preferred IM app). But there is still "Kik" and "SnapChat". There are others as well. My wife used a game on her phone to communicate with people. A game called "Dice with Buddies" that has a built in chat application. At first, I looked at all the cell phone records and there was nothing suspicious. Then I happened to be updating her iPHone software for her (she never thought I would look in her little Dice game) and I opened it to find the chats. Unfortunately, I was so pissed that I confronted her on the spot. She learned to cover her tracks more. But the stealth software caught her again. They will always screw up again. And sadly they are always going to have a tendency to cheat even after caught.

Sadly, you have to think like a cheater in order to catch one. I am amazed at the tips and tricks they figure out in order to cheat and cover their tracks.


----------



## Chaparral

Look up the wonder share program for I phones. When she gives you the phone synch it with your itunes and run the program. Hopefully she won't look over your shoulder. If she has a cow you know she's lying.

If it were me, I would not let her have the phone back without doing what I wanted to do with it. A lot of men here are afraid of their wives though. Keep a var on you to prevent false abuse charges if she attacks you.

Other wise you have to insist on a polygraph or live assuming she's lying.


----------



## cgiles

First OP you must read this book : "no more mr nice guy" by robert glover, don't judge it by its cover, or its title. Just read it .

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

Give it a try, I'm sure a lot of people here will agree this book will help you a lot.

Then it's time to show to your wife you are not granted, that you can be happy without her, so start to apply the 180list. It will help you to move on emotionnaly from her affairs, and see what you really wants.


----------



## ThePheonix

I hope, for his own sake, old Durable will at least tell her that, although he's willing to work things out if, and only if she cleans up her act, he just doesn't believe she was not sleeping with the guy regardless of what she claims, That he forgives her. its water under the bridge and she will never speak of it again. (personally with her doing little or no housework while he busted his azz, I don't know why he'd want to keep her anyway) But if she F-up again she's gone. In doing so, he is looks less like a gullible chump and more of a challenge; which is the strongest and most desirable thing a man can possess.


----------



## Pollo

Durable67 said:


> Her behaviour has changed completely towards me - affectionate, considerate, caring.
> But you're right - far too coincidental to believe nothing else happened.
> The issue is, I still love her


Well, you're a fool for loving someone who treats you like ****. I'll never understand how some people can be so desperate to cling to someone who does so much to disrespect them.


----------



## sidney2718

Durable67 said:


> They discussed a variety of sexual positions, what she would do to him, whose house was the best to meet in, how his friends suspected.


Can you explain why you accepted this discussion as "innocent"? Especially the bit about "how his friends suspected."


----------



## chaos

Pollo said:


> Well, you're a fool for loving someone who treats you like ****. I'll never understand how some people can be so desperate to cling to someone who does so much to disrespect them.


Being "in love" makes fools of us all.


----------



## sidney2718

Durable67 said:


> She gives me the phone, unlocked. As has been stated by others, a pointless exercise, since she will be hyper-vigilant re what is on it.
> 
> With regards to where next and what to believe, the balance of probabilities may point towards a PA but I have nothing concrete that says it was. It was, however, definitely heading that way.
> 
> Can someone sleepwalk towards a place where they had no pre-meditated plan to visit? She says it feels like it was a different person.
> 
> Can you pull back (be pulled back) from the brink and look at what you were doing as if it were another person committing the actions? This is what she says it is like to her now and that, with all her heart, she loves me and wants to make our relationship work. She says she is ashamed of what she did.
> 
> And it's not just words - she has changed and life is good (though with lots of interspection on my behalf fuelled by various triggers).
> 
> Guess I am saying, what do I lose by believing that she means what she says? If it is true then I save my marriage with someone I love and life-lessons learned. If I'm wrong, then I merely postpone the end


You could lose years.

Look, it is really very simple. You two are open to each other or you are not. She has admitted that you have reason to be suspicious. Denying you her password(s) is not being open. She is clearly hiding something.

She has already ruined your trust in her. Tell her that. Tell her that it is up to HER to regain your trust. And a big step in that direction is for her to give you both her phone and her passwords NOW.

Why NOW? Because by next Wednesday she and her OM can have worked out any one of a number of alternate means of communications, if they have not done so already.

And wise up. Look at the line she fed you. "She says it started with innocent texting which developed into flirting then full-blown sexual fantasising but that it was never consummated." You KNOW that this is almost certainly not true. She's a grown woman. She knows how sex works. She knows how it feels. Why would she NOT have consumated it? Perhaps she didn't, but it is hard to imagine why.

The answer is not "she was being loyal". She wasn't being loyal at all.

It is like a woman being caught in bed, naked, with a man on top of her and claiming that there was no sex, it was all fantasy. If it wasn't your wife making the claim, would you believe it?


----------



## lordmayhem

Durable67,

Do NOT be this guy:










Listen to the advice you've been given.


----------



## xakulax

I've been following this post for a few days now not sure whether chime in or not it's another sad case of the betrayed spouse with clear proof of his wife's infidelity but simply unwilling to do what needs to be done it's not surprising and unfortunate quite common in these situations... 


Op your wife is unremorseful and it would also appear unresponsive she's not giving you full transparency because she feels like she doesn't have to you need to stop taking the bits and pieces she's giving you and demand the whole story denial is not an option for you telling yourself any conversation she's had with this man is innocent is not I repeat not an option if you want to save your marriage and self-respect it's time to start being the bad guy and make demands..Demand her passwords, demand her itinerary, make it clear to her you have no trust in her and if she doesn't attempt to regain that trust you're out the door this is what it's going to take to shake her loose from her affair you need to make it clear you're not playing games...



I know this is a lot for you to absorb and I know you don't want to be here hell you wish you were anywhere but here but here's where you are and what matters now is what you're going to do to get yourself and your marriage out of this mess..


----------



## MachoMcCoy

Durable67 said:


> ...she was showering before going out with some girlfriends when I stumbled across her phone


She still cruisin' the meat markets with her gal pals? Late night GNO's? 

If so, have someone tail her. You haven't let on that you know those nights are inappropriate. She'll still feel free to let loose there. It will be an education, I can guarantee you that.


----------



## Wolfman1968

sidney2718 said:


> You could lose years.
> 
> Look, it is really very simple. You two are open to each other or you are not. She has admitted that you have reason to be suspicious. Denying you her password(s) is not being open. She is clearly hiding something.
> 
> She has already ruined your trust in her. Tell her that. Tell her that it is up to HER to regain your trust. And a big step in that direction is for her to give you both her phone and her passwords NOW.
> 
> Why NOW? Because by next Wednesday she and her OM can have worked out any one of a number of alternate means of communications, if they have not done so already.
> 
> And wise up. Look at the line she fed you. "She says it started with innocent texting which developed into flirting then full-blown sexual fantasising but that it was never consummated." You KNOW that this is almost certainly not true. She's a grown woman. She knows how sex works. She knows how it feels. Why would she NOT have consumated it? Perhaps she didn't, but it is hard to imagine why.
> 
> The answer is not "she was being loyal". She wasn't being loyal at all.
> 
> It is like a woman being caught in bed, naked, with a man on top of her and claiming that there was no sex, it was all fantasy. If it wasn't your wife making the claim, would you believe it?


:iagree:

Again I find myself agreeing with Sidney.
I'd better go take my temperature.


----------



## peskipixy

Be serious, here!

Your wife is still texting/sexting/f*%&ing this guy. She still won't let you into her phone without her punching in the password and being there with you and you can believe that she's deleting every message sent and received before she's even in the same room. She's going to anticipate everything and is going to be able to hide this affair even better than she did before. She's learned from her mistakes. And you can bet the reason you've been getting the best sex of your life is so she can throw you off her trail and make you think she's only thinking about you. Don't believe it for a second.

You need to start the 180 immediately. Right now. You need to start distancing yourself and separate any joint bank accounts. You also need to check your bank account statements to see if and how much money she's spent on this guy. Start protecting yourself and your kids. No WS stops cold turkey.


----------



## Marduk

Dude, I learned the hard way that your gut is always right, and there's so many damn red flags here that deep down you KNOW what is going on.

So what are you going to do about it?


----------



## chaos

You'd do well in following marduk's advice.

Here is his classic *What I've Learned in the Past Year - A good news story*. Eat it, drink it, $h!t it, just do it.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

> Guess I am saying, what do I lose by believing that she means what she says? If it is true then I save my marriage with someone I love and life-lessons learned. If I'm wrong, then I merely postpone the end


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/62404-need-help-coping.html

Read it and tell me how 2 years of misery and purposeful emotional pain is worth "love."


----------



## G.J.

Durable67 said:


> She gives me the phone, unlocked. As has been stated by others, a pointless exercise, since she will be hyper-vigilant re what is on it.
> 
> With regards to where next and what to believe, the balance of probabilities may point towards a PA but I have nothing concrete that says it was. It was, however, definitely heading that way.
> 
> Can someone sleepwalk towards a place where they had no pre-meditated plan to visit? She says it started with innocent texting which developed into flirting then full-blown sexual fantasising but that it was never consummated. She says it feels like it was a different person.
> 
> Can you pull back (be pulled back) from the brink and look at what you were doing as if it were another person committing the actions? This is what she says it is like to her now and that, with all her heart, she loves me and wants to make our relationship work. She says she is ashamed of what she did.
> 
> And it's not just words - she has changed and life is good (though with lots of interspection on my behalf fuelled by various triggers).
> 
> Guess I am saying, what do I lose by believing that she means what she says? If it is true then I save my marriage with someone I love and life-lessons learned. If I'm wrong, then I merely postpone the end


A wife can and will put more effort into keeping her husband on side when not fully exposed, the thing you have
to do is now be extra vigilant for quite a few months as she may be waiting for you to relax so she can reengage


----------



## badmemory

Durable67 said:


> *what do I lose by believing that she means what she says? *If it is true then I save my marriage with someone I love and life-lessons learned. If I'm wrong, then I merely postpone the end


Durable,

If you haven't flown the coop; I'll give you some answers to your very logical question. But let me re-phrase the question for the sake of accuracy. Better asked - What do I lose from rug sweeping her affair?

- You lose your best opportunity to prevent her from continuing to cheat.

- You lose the chance to completely judge her remorse.

- You lose some amount of self respect.

- She loses respect for you as a husband.

- You lose the best chance of avoiding a false R.

And if she does cheat again years from now, and you didn't give her the consequences needed to prove she was remorseful; you'll regret those extra years of your life you wasted with her.


----------



## Wolf359

Just say you’re getting a print out of texts from last 3 months. Make up a letter head saying that the texts you wanted are available and will be sent by FedEx in 1 to 2 days. Make it look good like cost was 120.00 and other input. She will freak out reading a very well make letter from your phone carrier. You say I will now know the truth very soon. A lot of women crack under coming pressure.


----------



## cdbaker

Durable67 said:


> Guess I am saying, what do I lose by believing that she means what she says? If it is true then I save my marriage with someone I love and life-lessons learned. If I'm wrong, then I merely postpone the end


In a world where we never age, and a repeat betrayal can't hurt us a second time, I suppose you would have a really good point there. Since we do age and betrayal can hurt just as badly the second time, most people will find it important to be confident that they are not wasting their life with someone whom they cannot trust or is likely to betray them again.

I'm not saying that she will betray you again, just that it's important to know the truth, and exactly what your odds are.


----------



## Seppuku

If she has an iPhone and you have access to the computer or iCloud account that she uses to back up her phone (if she backs it up), you can find software that will show you the deleted messages.


----------



## GusPolinski

Hi there, @Durable67, caught you in another thread earlier.

Any updates?


----------



## Marc878

Durable67 said:


> She gives me the phone, unlocked. As has been stated by others, a pointless exercise, since she will be hyper-vigilant re what is on it.
> 
> With regards to where next and what to believe, the balance of probabilities may point towards a PA but I have nothing concrete that says it was. It was, however, definitely heading that way.
> 
> Can someone sleepwalk towards a place where they had no pre-meditated plan to visit? She says it started with innocent texting which developed into flirting then full-blown sexual fantasising but that it was never consummated. She says it feels like it was a different person.
> 
> Can you pull back (be pulled back) from the brink and look at what you were doing as if it were another person committing the actions? This is what she says it is like to her now and that, with all her heart, she loves me and wants to make our relationship work. She says she is ashamed of what she did.
> 
> And it's not just words - she has changed and life is good (though with lots of interspection on my behalf fuelled by various triggers).
> 
> Guess I am saying, what do I lose by believing that she means what she says? If it is true then I save my marriage with someone I love and life-lessons learned. If I'm wrong, then I merely postpone the end


All cheaters lie, hide and deny. It was a full blown sexual affair. Anyone can see that.

You gave her complete control with no consequences. She's probably passifying you temporarily.

If you want the truth you do a deleted text recovery of her phone. 

It sounds like you're content living in denial. No one can help you with that.

Be prepared for a repeat performance but her cheating skills will improve so you won't catch her so easily next time.

The problem is you will have to live with her betrayal long term. Maybe you can but most can't. It festers and grows over time.

Sorry you are here.

The affair was 100% on her. The way you handled this is on you.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

GusPolinski said:


> Hi there, @Durable67, caught you in another thread earlier.
> 
> Any updates?


My guess is, he finally got hard, undeniable, proof that she'd been having sex with the OM(s).

She promised she'd never do it again, if he'd just give her another chance. He wanted to believe her, so he attempted an R.

It's been an entire year since and he hasn't posted an update in this thread.

I think I know why... She didn't stop for long. She just got better at hiding it. He knows it and is now looking for better ways to catch her, again.


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## the guy

I'm guessing we won't get an update for another 6 months....OP is doing 18 month in county on an AB for kicking the shyt out of OM and that means @GusPolinski....it's only been a year since OP posted! LOL


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## the guy

I'm guessing we won't get an update for another 6 months....OP is doing 18 month in county on an AB for kicking the shyt out of OM and that means @GusPolinski....it's only been a year since OP posted! LOL


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## GusPolinski

the guy said:


> I'm guessing we won't get an update for another 6 months....OP is doing 18 month in county on an AB for kicking the shyt out of OM and that means @GusPolinski....it's only been a year since OP posted! LOL


Saw him posting in HurtDude's thread yesterday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Divinely Favored

bryanp said:


> She stays overnight in a hotel and admits that the OM gave her a line of coke. So I guess after she had her line of coke they stayed up all night talking about the crisis in Ukraine?
> 
> This is from a current medical website:
> "In small doses, cocaine is used by some people as an aphrodisiac and can intensify sexual pleasure".
> 
> You cannot be serious to believe that she did not have sex with this OM in a hotel overnight after they shared a line of coke together? You are in serious big time denial.
> Get tested for STD's now.



The coke was so fvck buddy could hammer her ALL NIGHT LONG! 

Polygraph!!!!!!!! She has been doing him. She quits and gives you the phone so you can recover all info.

She is affectionate because she now sees her life blowing up.....not because she loves you and does not still want to screw her new co-worker fvck buddy. 

Why do spouses allow the times out without the spouse. BNO/GNO have no place in marriage.


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## Durable67

Hello all, I don't have the time to update today - off shortly to the last family party of the Xmas period. I will try to address all your questions/suppositions tomorrow and give an update on where I now stand.

The last 12 months have had some great highs and also, as to be expected, some pretty awful lows. I guess your mind never stops trying to analyse every nuance - or at least mine doesn't anyway!

Cheers


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## the guy

GusPolinski said:


> Saw him posting in HurtDude's thread yesterday.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Most of got out early for GB....:grin2::wink2:


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## SasZ79

Maybe a polygraph test could help for the truth.


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## Be smart

Sorry you are here my friend.

Your wife is lying to you. She was sleeping with this younger guy for sure and she is doing it now.

Her Affair never stopped. 

She works with him five days a week. Goes out with him to "works function". Hiding from co-workes give her a trill. 

Talking about what would she do to him is making her naughty,and doing it all behind your back.

She stayes with him when she goes to "WORKS FUNCTION". Why would she ask him if anyone sees them.

Also she comes back from ANOTHER works function with no tan lines. 

She was back at home fully thrashed. You think she was runing LOL.

She is doing drugs with this man then comes back to you and your kids. Not healty and not what a good wife and mother should do.

She found "NEW" sexual experience all of sudden and you are blinded with it. 

How can you do it with her when you know she learned it from this guy. 

This is where YOU MADE A MISTAKE. You gave her back her phone and she delets all messages from it. Verry bad move.


If you want to R with your wife she NEEDS to change her job. No contact with this younger guy.
Expose her Affair to family and friends. 
Tell her to find herself some help.
STD check.

My personal advice is to file for D. You will never find the truth my friend.


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## CH

Durable67 said:


> The issue is, I still love her


How much do you love yourself? It's great to love someone else but if you give them 100% but you don't leave anything for yourself then you're in for a world of hurt.

Cheaters love themselves 1st before they love you.


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## Regalpair275

I went through the same thing my friend. I never got to read any of the texts though. She'd deleted them, claiming that she did it with all of her texts on a daily basis due to phone memory storage limits.
I found out, because a year or so after we married and joined ATT accounts I was looking through the phone records and kept seeing this number I didn't recognize.
Over the course of our 1 year dating period and the 8 months we'd been married, there were thousands of texts and hundreds of phone calls. 
Sometimes 9-10 phone calls a day along with 40-50 texts. All of these when we weren't together. She's a college professor and teaches at a university about 2 hours away from home. We had an apartment where she could stay the 2-3 nights she had classes. It just so happened that he lived in the town where she taught.
I have two boys from a previous marriage and a lot of times took them hunting or fishing on the weekends I had them.
There were a lot of times we were apart and that's when the texting/calling would go on.
She SWEARS that they never had physical contact...even told our marriage counselor this when we tried to work things out.
I want to believe her, but I know better.
I feel for you man.


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## GusPolinski

Regalpair275 said:


> I went through the same thing my friend. I never got to read any of the texts though. She'd deleted them, claiming that she did it with all of her texts on a daily basis due to phone memory storage limits.
> I found out, because a year or so after we married and joined ATT accounts I was looking through the phone records and kept seeing this number I didn't recognize.
> Over the course of our 1 year dating period and the 8 months we'd been married, there were thousands of texts and hundreds of phone calls.
> Sometimes 9-10 phone calls a day along with 40-50 texts. All of these when we weren't together. She's a college professor and teaches at a university about 2 hours away from home. We had an apartment where she could stay the 2-3 nights she had classes. It just so happened that he lived in the town where she taught.
> I have two boys from a previous marriage and a lot of times took them hunting or fishing on the weekends I had them.
> There were a lot of times we were apart and that's when the texting/calling would go on.
> She SWEARS that they never had physical contact...even told our marriage counselor this when we tried to work things out.
> I want to believe her, but I know better.
> I feel for you man.


She's lying.

Deleting texts to free up storage space...? That's hilarious, but also sad. I say sad because she clearly thought you were dumb enough to actually believe it.

9-10 phone calls and 40-50 texts per day is AT LEAST an emotional affair. Throw in the potential for physical contact offered by physical proximity, and guess what you've got...?

You've got a PHYSICAL affair.

Stop looking for a smoking gun that you'll likely never find and call her out on her bullsh*t.

It's also worth noting that "delete ALL of your texts" is a tip right out of "The Cheaters' Handbook 101".


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## cam1974

Durable67 said:


> Hi, been lurking for about a week and just joined today - first post.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 13 years and have 3 lovely kids. She is a very attractive 43 year old who, over the last couple of years, has taken up running and keeping fit in general - giving her a very toned figure. Over this period she started wearing tighter, more revealing clothes (particularly to work) as well as colouring her hair and using anti-ageing creams. When I would mention the change, she would say that there is nothing wrong with taking a pride in one's appearance. Which there isn't!
> 
> I had a vague gut instinct that this was not the only reason for the change, but nothing I could base it on for sure. I did comment on how, whenever there was a work's night out, pictures would be posted on social media sites in which she always seemed to be sitting next to the same guy (late twenties who works in her team) - she told me they are just good friends and that it is purely coincidental.
> 
> Whilst I work the traditional 9-5, My w is often off during the day. She would frustrate me by how little house work she would do during whilst I was at work (another reason for my starting to have suspicions).
> 
> 10 months ago, I had my first real indication that it wasn't all in my mind when I read an FB conversation between her and the co-worker of whom I already had suspicions. She had stayed the night in a hotel at a work function and they were debating if anyone had suspected or mentioned anything. On reading it my heart missed a beat and I confronted her. She said it was because he had given her a line of coke but it could easily have read that they had spent the night together. She swore to me that this was not the case and I chose to believe her but became more and more suspicious. This was further exacerbated when she came back from another works function at 6am looking like she had been dragged through a hedge backwards. To both functions she put on all-over tan, even though the only bit of flesh on show were her arms and neck
> 
> Our relationship started to go through a rocky period, where physical contact and affection were replaced with frostiness and distance. During this time, my wife was always messaging on her mobile and regularly changing the password (one which she had previously given to the kids). She said it was because she would sometimes talk to her friends about our relationship and that she didn't want me to read these personal thoughts.
> 
> 5 months ago we had a thaw and started really trying again, although she still shied from physical contact, she said she was trying and that it wouldn't happen overnight. She would still stay up late, often coming to bed after I was asleep, but we were now talking and even went out on a couple of occasions. My doubts were still there, to the extent that I would ask her if there was someone else, but she would always answer no, that I was being paranoid.
> 
> Then, 3 months ago, d-day arrived, she was showering before going out with some girlfriends when I stumbled across her phone, I had seen her type in her code a few days previously, tried it and it opened. After looking at a couple of innocent texts I opened Whatsapp and started reading the most graphic series of texts between her and the co-worker I had had my suspicions about. Text after text all sent on the same day, when I was also in the house and when she had, for once, gone to bed early.
> 
> They discussed a variety of sexual positions, what she would do to him, whose house was the best to meet in, how his friends suspected. I lost it, barging into the bathroom to confront her, there followed a scene from War of The Roses, at the end of which she agreed to tell me everything, to show me all the texts (for all my back-scrolling, I never even managed to get past one day's worth of exchanges) if I would give her her phone back. I stupidly believed her and she deleted everything (said it was because she was embarrassed).
> 
> She says it was a stupid, non-physical affair by text only that lasted only a month. I really want to believe her, but am I an idiot to do so?
> 
> How can I know for sure? We are now having the best sex we have ever had but I think all trust is now gone.
> 
> Sorry for length of post!


I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I went through this same situation with my husband when I found out he had been sexting someone who was supposed to be one of my closest friends for about 4 months. They claimed is was the same as your wife said, a stupid non physical affair. She did admit coming to visit him at our home and claims nothing happened. But.....I saw details in text messages that were very clear that they fooled around. When I confronted both of them, they were still so adamant that the texting was all fantasy and nothing ever got physical. I don't know how stupid they think I am. I have blocked her number from being able call him and he did delete her number from his phone. I have cut her out of my life. but it is hard because her and her significant other are friends with other mutual friends of ours. I want to so badly make this affair of theirs public, but I don't want our children to find out about this and hate their father. We also have made a commitment to work through mishap of his because we both don't want this stupidity to ruin 21 years of marriage.


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## drifting on

cam1974 said:


> I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I went through this same situation with my husband when I found out he had been sexting someone who was supposed to be one of my closest friends for about 4 months. They claimed is was the same as your wife said, a stupid non physical affair. She did admit coming to visit him at our home and claims nothing happened. But.....I saw details in text messages that were very clear that they fooled around. When I confronted both of them, they were still so adamant that the texting was all fantasy and nothing ever got physical. I don't know how stupid they think I am. I have blocked her number from being able call him and he did delete her number from his phone. I have cut her out of my life. but it is hard because her and her significant other are friends with other mutual friends of ours. I want to so badly make this affair of theirs public, but I don't want our children to find out about this and hate their father. We also have made a commitment to work through mishap of his because we both don't want this stupidity to ruin 21 years of marriage.




Polygraph.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wmn1

horrible stories by Cam and Regal. Stay strong. Still waiting for an update from Durable


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## Graywolf2

She will never admit that anything physical happened because she afraid that if will be the final straw that will cause a divorce. I read about a husband that found a text that said “come over and [email protected] me now.” His wife said they were role playing. 

If you don’t find a smoking gun then the only way to find out is to say that you’re getting a divorce even if you don’t plan to. That way she has nothing to lose and she might think that coming clan could save the marriage. The way it is now she will take it to her grave.


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## Iver

_*She said it was because he had given her a line of coke* but it could easily have read that they had spent the night together._

She did a line of coke with some guy she works with? She admits to this? This is a married woman with children?

You realize this alone would be considered grounds for divorce for a lot of people? Do you and your wife use drugs normally? Or is this a "one off" on her part?

I'd consider a polygraph & drug test for starters. And an STD test while you are at it.

If you haven't done so yet you need to have a consult with a divorce attorney. 

Sorry to have to say this but the fact your wife admits to doing coke with some dude is not a good sign for the state of your marriage.


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## sidney2718

Wolfman1968 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Again I find myself agreeing with Sidney.
> I'd better go take my temperature.


Nah, just hop over to one of the other threads in this section. I'm sure you'll find something I posted that you don't agree with.

I don't mind that at all.

My problem, if you want to call it that, is that I tend to look at each case separately and often come to the same conclusions most of the others do, but sometimes I don't.

Check out the threat about catching a fiancee making out with your best friend. I've got a ton of upset coming down on me because I don't believe that cheating takes place in a vacuum. Yes, I agree that the fault is on the cheater, but I doubt that happy marriages often lead to cheating, while unhappy ones, at least in my experience, often do.


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## OldWolf57

D, go read Lot to Learn thread.

Or just PM him.


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## Evinrude58

What I've seen and read in my 43 yrs.....
The husband or wife can be doing everything they are supposed to be doing, and there still is cheating sometimes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rugs

Durable, 

I know your wife. I know six of your wives. Three are ex-friends and three are ex-neighbors. Three of the six of these women had six year affairs and longer. 

Your wife cheated. She's a cheater and will always be a cheater. 

As of now, she doesn't care because everything in her life is great. Same life, double the affection and attention......what could she be unhappy about? 

You should at the very least expose the affair to all who will listen and start with your wife's OM's girlfriend. 

I would start divorce proceedings and not have sex with her. She is not too old to get pregnant by the OM and that would create a lot of problems as things are now. Best to split the finances now. 

Please set a good example for your children. Children need someone who can take a bad situation, shake it out, and make it a good situation. If not, they will see this marriage as a healthy marriage. Your marriage is not healthy and loving. Your wife is not remorseful, she is using you for stability and financial support. 

I know you love her. It really sucks..but it can't be undone. It is sad that the future you planned on has been taken from you without your consent. That's why the rest of us are here. 

Cheaters are selfish people. She could have told you she was unhappy, wanting MC, wanting a divorce.......but she didn't do anything to support the marriage. She split it wide open and blew the dust in your face. 

Cry in the shower, at your buddy's house, in your car....., but do a few small things in the weeks to come. 

First. IGNORE YOUR WIFE

Second. MAKE A CONSULTATION WITH A LAWYER 

Third. Get any financial paperwork in order for the lawyer and start documenting (secretly) your wife's behavior. (How many nights she goes out. Does she miss functions or appointments for the kids?). Anything you can journal daily so you will have it for court. 

Fourth. Be a dad. Your kids need you and you need them. I didn't read if you have any or what the ages but just hang in there being stable will help them and you. 

You might want to DNA test your kids. Even if you're 100% positive they are yours, it will show your wife what distrust and contemp she has caused. 

Oh, and yes, she cheated....BIG TIME!! So very sorry.


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## person123

The likelihood this was physical is 100%. I'm not sure what more proof you need than the sexts.

Don't forget to paternity test your kids.


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## chifrudo

On these boards there are many variants of the "do you think it was more than..." theme. Odds always fall roughly in this range:

10% - It is theoretically possible the wayward spouse is telling the truth
80% - They are lying

I'm sorry if this comes off as snarky, but you are in the last category:

10% - are you f-ing kidding me? There is absolutely 0-frigging-% chance they are telling truth


I wish you strength.


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## Regalpair275

"She's lying.

Deleting texts to free up storage space...? That's hilarious, but also sad. I say sad because she clearly thought you were dumb enough to actually believe it.

9-10 phone calls and 40-50 texts per day is AT LEAST an emotional affair. Throw in the potential for physical contact offered by physical proximity, and guess what you've got...?

You've got a PHYSICAL affair.

Stop looking for a smoking gun that you'll likely never find and call her out on her bullsh*t.

It's also worth noting that "delete ALL of your texts" is a tip right out of "The Cheaters' Handbook 101"

Yeah, I know she is and I've stopped looking for ways to prove it.
She uses an IPhone, so everything has gone to Imessage now. Her phone records only show her texts to me (I use Android) and the calls to/from her kids. 
Imessage and FaceTime are evil, lol.
I've called her out so many times that I'm exhausted. She vehemently denies a physical affair. I know the truth will come out someday, so I am careful and keep my eyes open. It's a difficult way to live.


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## thummper

Hey, Durables!! I hope you haven't left us permanently. I think we'd all like to know how your wife's sexting adventure turned out. You sounded pretty upbeat on January 2, promising to give us updates. Then, nothing.  If you listen carefully you can practically hear the crickets chirping in the background. Please don't leave us hanging. I think many here were really concerned about your situation and would really like to know how you're doing. Drop us a note if you get time.


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## PhillyGuy13

My suspicion is they are still together, much was forgiven if not forgotten. He knows he'll get some guff for that here.

Hoping he is happy and wife has recommitted to him and is being faithful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60

Evinrude58 said:


> What I've seen and read in my 43 yrs.....
> The husband or wife can be doing everything they are supposed to be doing, and there still is cheating sometimes.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've got a few years on you and I have seen a wife make a conscious effort to have sex with hubby, appear romantic and happy with him, keep the house in good shape, be thoughtful and listen to husband. Basically be the best wife ever. All this to hide the fact that she was in an physical affair for over two years. Husband never suspected a thing.

Until the guilt overwhelmed her after she learned that her affair partner had at least two other women he was scr*wing and told her he had to stop because his wife had caught him with one of the others. She then confessed all to her husband.

So I agree. Playing the good wife at home and doing all the right things that a husband expects can be misleading.

When she finally confessed, he did not believe her. He thought HE had done something wrong and she was just trying to make him feel bad. Then she showed him two years worth of emails (plans to meet up, where to meet, how long they would have together, how much they missed each other). Funny thing is that those emails were always there had he just had the sense to look at them. But he did not want to invade her privacy.

OP has all the circumstantial evidence he needs to prove a EA and PA. He just refused to believe it.


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## OldWolf57

Old D never gave that update lol.


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