# Sex initiation



## Droneflyer (Sep 16, 2019)

Hello everyone. As the title says I need some advice when it comes to sex initiation. I have a higher sex drive than my wife. Out of the 10 years I have known her she never was one to initiate sex, I always did. After a while it kind of bothered me a bit. Whenever I initiate she is always willing to have sex and we both enjoy it most of the time. Wondering if there are any other guys with wife’s who don’t initiate and how you deal with it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think this is a common concern. Many women have _responsive desire_ almost exclusively, and rarely if ever have the urge to initiate. Search on the term for more info. The good news is that she _does_ respond when you initiate - you're far better off than some who are routinely rejected no matter what.


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## BigbadBootyDaddy (Jun 18, 2018)

You’re most likely going to have to suck it up. If she didn’t jump your bones when you were dating she’s not going to start now. But you are in a good spot, she’s responsive to your desires.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

So, if your wife has always been this way then chances are she isn't going to change. Have you tried talking to her about it? Does she know that you'd like her to initiate? Does she know how you feel when she doesn't? 

Earlier in my marriage my wife turned me down for about two years. That killed our sex life and my drive, a guy can only take so much rejection, but she didn't understand that and we didn't talk about it at the time. Now she regrets doing that and she initiates almost every time and won't turn me down. It's a different set of circumstances but you do need to have good communication. 

If you haven't had an honest, vulnerable conversation with your wife, then start there. You can also consider seeing a sex therapist.


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## Golden Age (May 17, 2020)

My wife was the same. She did not initiate for more than 10 years and it began to bother me quite a lot. I dealt with it (should not have waited so long) by telling her that it made me feel unloved, and she reassured me that she did love me. I told her that's it's very hard to feel loved when things are so one-sided and that the perceived lack of affection was slowly killing my desire to show affection even though I loved her greatly. Now she initiates more than I do, to the point at which I occasionally feel guilty for not initiating enough. Communication is the key. We were not good communicators early on in our relationship but we have slowly learnt to communicate better.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Responsive just means you have a pulse anyone can do better than that.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

My wife is very affectionate and literally sighs or smiles whenever I grab/hug/lift her... this is what I consider “initiating” on her part. I’ve also learned that unless she’s extremely exhausted- she really doesn’t say “no”. I mean, if you’re in this situation- isn’t it perfect enough? She will also complement my fitness, shoulders, etc. such that she’s communicating desire but not in the more direct way that I do. She’ll also say she “misses me”... these are some of her subtle ways. My woman doesn’t act like a man, thank goodness!


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## Hopsngrains (May 25, 2020)

Doesn't sound like initiation as such, but she clearly sounds into you, and having sex. Indirect is good, and if you know what she means when she says she "misses you", that's good.


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## Hopsngrains (May 25, 2020)

Droneflyer said:


> Hello everyone. As the title says I need some advice when it comes to sex initiation. I have a higher sex drive than my wife. Out of the 10 years I have known her she never was one to initiate sex, I always did. After a while it kind of bothered me a bit. Whenever I initiate she is always willing to have sex and we both enjoy it most of the time. Wondering if there are any other guys with wife’s who don’t initiate and how you deal with it.


I too have a much higher sex drive than my wife, and after over 35 years, she has never initiated. She never talks about sex, is embarrassed by using sex talk, will not use a vibrator, and is uncomfortable with any position except for Missionary. When we are having sex, she makes no sound, and hardly moves. She has admitted several times she has a low libido, and does not seem to enjoy oral sex at all..When I touch her (and I know how to touch her) she closes her legs and says "just put it in". Now with our children out of the house we have more time to be intimate, but with results like this, I struggle to initiate, and I am not going to for awhile. I masturbate, but would rather be with her (and have told her this). I do not think it’s normal, and believe the low sex drive is due to a natural or physical reason. Have read on Asexuality, and wonder about this…Anyone?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

CatholicDad said:


> My wife is very affectionate and literally sighs or smiles whenever I grab/hug/lift her... this is what I consider “initiating” on her part. I’ve also learned that unless she’s extremely exhausted- she really doesn’t say “no”. I mean, if you’re in this situation- isn’t it perfect enough? She will also complement my fitness, shoulders, etc. such that she’s communicating desire but not in the more direct way that I do. She’ll also say she “misses me”... these are some of her subtle ways. *My woman doesn’t act like a man, thank goodness!*


So if a woman initiates sex directly with her husband she's acting like a man? Seriously?

My husband and I are about 50/50 on who initiates these days but it wasn't always like that. My drive is higher than his, and we would often go weeks at a time with no sex. After many tears (mine) and wasting thousands of $ on therapy, we figured it out on our own and for the most part we have been consistent ever since. The crunch came when I told him I'd made a doctors appointment and was going to ask to be put on anti depressants to numb my sex drive, because I couldn't take the rejection anymore. 

Its soul destroying to be rejected over and over by the person you love most in the world. Does your wife know that you would like her to initiate sometimes? Have the two of you talked about this?


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## Hopsngrains (May 25, 2020)

frusdil said:


> So if a woman initiates sex directly with her husband she's acting like a man? Seriously?
> 
> My husband and I are about 50/50 on who initiates these days but it wasn't always like that. My drive is higher than his, and we would often go weeks at a time with no sex. After many tears (mine) and wasting thousands of $ on therapy, we figured it out on our own and for the most part we have been consistent ever since. The crunch came when I told him I'd made a doctors appointment and was going to ask to be put on anti depressants to numb my sex drive, because I couldn't take the rejection anymore.
> 
> Its soul destroying to be rejected over and over by the person you love most in the world. Does your wife know that you would like her to initiate sometimes? Have the two of you talked about this?


Wow. Just goes to show how different everyone is with regards to sex. My experience is that in this culture women are likely more comfortable initiating sex. I mean Tinder and all the rest has clearly changed the world view on sex and relationships. When I was single, we had telephones. Period. I mean it's complicated, but my take is that if you are not able to communicate what you want/need or don't want/need, then it may be more than sex issues that need to be considered. And...please don't consider "numbing" your sex drive...Instead give some of that to my wife!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Hopsngrains said:


> Wow. Just goes to show how different everyone is with regards to sex. My experience is that in this culture women are likely more comfortable initiating sex. I mean Tinder and all the rest has clearly changed the world view on sex and relationships. When I was single, we had telephones. Period. I mean it's complicated, but my take is that if you are not able to communicate what you want/need or don't want/need, then it may be more than sex issues that need to be considered. And...*please don't consider "numbing" your sex drive*...Instead give some of that to my wife!


I didn't have to do it, that was our 'come to Jesus' moment. When he really, finally understood how much the rejection was cutting me to the core. Things turned right around after that, and for the most part have been consistent - we're definitely closer for it


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