# no more kids, and no more sex, and birth control



## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

okay we have two beautiful children and are very satisfied with the two. I wish we could have a larger family, maybe one more, later on. For now we are trying to be careful and it makes me very worried to get pregnant and its interfering with our sex life. I just dont know how to handle it. Most of the time when we start to have sex i get all anxious and freak out over if we have a condom and get mad if he starts without one and so on...especailly when we start to have sex or during the middle of it, and sometimes i make an excuse to stop during. I used to have a IUD but it felt so un-natural and gave me other complications. I think I want to get on something else soon, but meanwhile its just bothering our sex life because Im so worried to get pregnant again. plus my husband hasnt been treating me as affectionate and makes me feel we shouldnt hes starting not to trust me! I dont know what to do because I want to have sex and all that but need to feel more connected first, plus I almost feel like if he doesnt want more kids, then why should I give it up. Can anyone else relate a or share any suggestions?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If my lover started to "freak out" (and stop in the middle of) when we had sex, I'd probably start to withdraw from her (intimacy wise) as well. No offense intended. But that's just making what should be a fun and relaxing romp in the hay a stressful event, apparently without a finale.

My advice... Figure out a way to feel safe with having sex again, and implement that plan sooner rather than later.

BTW, I'm not sure about the last part of your message... The wording gets a little garbled. Are you saying that if he doesn't want more kids, then why should you have sex anymore? That's not a recipe for a healthy marriage, IMHO. You two really should work on communicating more completely your desires and issues.

C


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

If the IUD isn't an option and gives you problems, what about the pill or another alternative?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

My ex-gf had the procedure where they burn the fallopian tubes entirely but it's a one way ticket. (forget the name)

The fact that you are saying, "Um, not sure, maybe i want one more. . ." a reputable OB/GYN would never consider doing it.

I have heard many women rave about the IUD. . .no hormones. . .what was your issue with that?


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## WorldsApart (May 5, 2011)

bell said:


> plus I almost feel like if he doesnt want more kids, then why should I give it up.


This is something you need to work out immedately with your husband. Sex is one of the major reasons men get married, and if you really think he shouldn't get any more because he doesn't want more kids, he should know about that sooner rather than later.

Everything else you've described is a huge negative feedback loop. You don't want to have sex because your afraid of getting pregnant, so you freak out and push your husband away. This is going to make him pull away from you and be less affectionate. This makes you more insecure, and you start rejecting him more, because you "don't want to give it up". So he's going to stop trusting you because he doesn't know what's going on.

Break the cycle and talk to him. Also, given the choice, most men are not going to be happy with using condoms, especially in a committed relationship. There's a wide array of birth control available that are far less intrusive. Talk to your OB or planned parenthood.

Also, you didn't mention the age of your children. Any possibility of post partum depression on your side?


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

mirena--the gyno puts it in, and there are no pills or anything to remember.

and it comes out when you want...the gyno will remove it.

you dont feel it.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

If you found a good birth control method that worked for you and didn't cause you any complications, would you continue to have sex with your husband? Is it more about scared of getting pregnant due to not having the right birth control? Or do you really just not want to have sex period?


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## dearhusband (Aug 22, 2011)

Condoms are awesome.


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## Rosie123 (Sep 5, 2011)

Find a birth control method that works for you and get over it! lol 

PBear is right. His issues are most likely stemming from your freaking out-ness during sex.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

I wouldn't recommend getting another IUD. My doctor told me those things are notorious for causing scarring to the area, and thus making you infertile. Unless he was talking BS, which is highly possible. The implanon is good. Get the doctor to whack it in your arm and you are good to go for 3 years, lol. You forget its even in there!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

bell said:


> , plus I almost feel like if he doesnt want more kids, then why should I give it up. Can anyone else relate a or share any suggestions?


OUCH!

I feel very sorry for your husband if you think sex is some reward for you to give up only when he expresses a desire to have a child.


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## Elliott (Sep 13, 2011)

My wife now has an IUD. I can feel the little string thing from time to time. And like you, it hurts her as well. It took her body 7 months to adjust to it. 

But the down side is the IUD destroyed the remainder of her sex drive (prior to the IUD she was on the pill for a while). 

I'd like to know what you've come across so far. We are having the same issue, my wife wants to remove the IUD but we don't know if their is another contraceptive that will erase the little sex drive she has that's on life support (and every month needs resuscitation).


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Elliott said:


> My wife now has an IUD. I can feel the little string thing from time to time. And like you, it hurts her as well. It took her body 7 months to adjust to it.
> 
> But the down side is the IUD destroyed the remainder of her sex drive (prior to the IUD she was on the pill for a while).
> 
> I'd like to know what you've come across so far. We are having the same issue, my wife wants to remove the IUD but we don't know if their is another contraceptive that will erase the little sex drive she has that's on life support (and every month needs resuscitation).


Any type of hormonal birth control - whether it's the pill or the shot or hormonal IUD (Mirena) - can potentially mess with a woman's drive because it messes with her hormones. You mess with the hormones or you suppress ovulation (when certain hormones like progesterone and testosterone are secreted) and you can have a changed physical drive in a woman. Of course the same thing happens during pregnancy and peri-menopause/menopause. The type and severity of change that happens can vary from woman to woman since every person has their own unique hormonal profile.

There are a number of non-hormonal options you could try (especially if the IUD causes pain) including condoms, diaphgrams, etc. You and she should check with her ob/gyn about what options there are and what might be a better fit for her. She shouldn't have to endure something that took so long to get used to and has undesirable/uncomfortable side effects.

Best wishes.


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## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

got on the pill and everythings been better since. Just wish we had more alone time


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you want to feel more connected to your spouse, withholding sex is self-defeating. I can't imagine a quicker way of making oneself irrelevant or worse. Why should you "give it up"? If you don't, you position yourself to be his enemy, his torturer. He will either go elsewhere to get that which you promised or he will remain in place and despise you.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I understand the not feeling connected issue. But, I think the root problem here is that you view sex as just a way to procreate. It does not sound like you attach any value to the eroticism aspect of it - to just "knocking it out" and enjoying each other in that way.

You are preventing the connection you seek. Sex is not about you and him so much as about your maternal ambitions. Rathering than enjoying the pleasure, you think he's cheating you out of something. You are rejecting him just the same as a sexual refuser because the core attitude is "your sexual happiness is not important to me". This will seriously hurt your marriage in time.

IMO you need to see sex as good on its own and detach from procreation. The way you are headed I see three outcomes. One, you will get to the number of kids you want and so immerse yourself in them that sex rarely or never happens. Two, you guys have so many kids that you are scrambling to keep up and don't maintain a relationship. Three, you hit menopause and stop going to him.

Look at it this way - at some point more kids will be out of the picture and all you will have left is the pleasure aspect of it. What will you do then if you maintain the attitude you have now?





bell said:


> okay we have two beautiful children and are very satisfied with the two. I wish we could have a larger family, maybe one more, later on. For now we are trying to be careful and it makes me very worried to get pregnant and its interfering with our sex life. I just dont know how to handle it. Most of the time when we start to have sex i get all anxious and freak out over if we have a condom and get mad if he starts without one and so on...especailly when we start to have sex or during the middle of it, and sometimes i make an excuse to stop during. I used to have a IUD but it felt so un-natural and gave me other complications. I think I want to get on something else soon, but meanwhile its just bothering our sex life because Im so worried to get pregnant again. plus my husband hasnt been treating me as affectionate and makes me feel we shouldnt hes starting not to trust me! I dont know what to do because I want to have sex and all that but need to feel more connected first, plus I almost feel like if he doesnt want more kids, then why should I give it up. Can anyone else relate a or share any suggestions?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsKy (May 5, 2012)

If you think sex is only for procreation, you are denying your husband a vital part of marriage. I don't understand your restrictive and cold way of thinking. 

More wives need to realize that their husband's sexual needs are important as well. It is very selfish to only consider your agenda when it comes to sex. If you want to have sex that is only about you, masturbation works for that purpose. 

Look at it this way: Why should your husband give you another child if you only see him as a sperm donor? Most men would be very insulted if their wives only had sex to have more kids. You are communicating that being a mother is the only reason you got married and your husband means nothing. How awful. 

All you speak of in your posts are YOUR needs and YOUR need for connection. Sorry, but your outlook is incredibly selfish. Children grow up and live their own lives; women cannot allow themselves to be solely defined by motherhood for this reason.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

bell said:


> got on the pill and everythings been better since. Just wish we had more alone time


Good for you both. Glad things are better.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

So let's not all be too quick to jump on Bell here. It's been over half a year since she's started this thread.

She might very well have changed her attitudes by then.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> So let's not all be too quick to jump on Bell here. It's been over half a year since she's started this thread.
> 
> She might very well have changed her attitudes by then.


She posted earlier today, I quoted her post and she said things are better, just wishes they had more "alone" time.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> She posted earlier today, I quoted her post and she said things are better, just wishes they had more "alone" time.


Yep, I noticed thanks. 

It's just that she said so little, and then folks seemed keen on building on top of what she said at the start of the thread so many months ago. Just thought maybe a bit of perspective might be in order. Lots can change in that time.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> Yep, I noticed thanks.
> 
> It's just that she said so little, and then folks seemed keen on building on top of what she said at the start of the thread so many months ago. Just thought maybe a bit of perspective might be in order. Lots can change in that time.


I hear ya. I agree


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