# just don't know



## imsobroken (Jul 24, 2014)

Hello all first time poster and possible more in the future.. I have a should I feel like this question. 

Background: Me and my husband have been married for the last 4 years, up till recently we have been fighting endlessly ... due to the fact I was uneasy about his best friend (we'll call her Tina for name sake) and their increasing togetherness.. I told his this and he took it as jealousy .. which i admit it was but they work together , have the same hobby class together and talk endless on Facebook... so well we separated for a short time and recently got back together. 

During this time I realized my wrongs, and currently working on my needy self and he also is working on his communication towards my feelings. Well, he has become more the put his foot down while I have become more passive. this is our last chance one last go at saving the marriage before its over.. 


Now my should I feel this way : We are going to a festival and after was post to go to his best friends Tina game night after, but he told me tonight that tina said she did not want me to come over because of my recent outbursts about her and towards him (my husband) .. my husband said its best you stay and not go but he is still going without me. I feel like if I asked for them to just relax on facebook in the later evening with talking to his best friend (not to stop their friendship) he gets very upset at me.. but if she desires me not to join in on their friends game not he is alright with it and it feels like he takes her side. 

I feel so sad and set up for failure , like I feel like ****.. I know I jumped before but now Im trying and doing better but I must take the submissive side or risk killing my marriage.. 

he (we'll i think ) cant be having an affair because she has a bf that they have been together for years and my husband is good friends also with tina's BF. and He still says I love you and even cried that he doesn't want to end our marriage but give it one last good try... But Should I just ignore it or take it to heart and just figure the marriage is not worth it no more.. and just let go sooner then later? Any advise or just tell me to back off would be good thank you in advance.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

imsobroken said:


> Now my should I feel this way : We are going to a festival and after was post to go to his best friends Tina game night after, but he told me tonight that *tina said she did not want me to come over because of my recent outbursts about her and towards him (my husband) .. my husband said its best you stay and not go but he is still going without me.* I feel like if I asked for them to just relax on facebook in the later evening with talking to his best friend (not to stop their friendship) he gets very upset at me.. but if she desires me not to join in on their friends game not he is alright with it and it feels like he takes her side.


Um, no. Just No. 

I would not even give him a chance. File. What an ***.

Your next marriage is going to be so much better, OP. You will wonder why you let this last 4 years. 

Get some therapy, hon.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh, he could be having an affair with Tina.

He might not be, but he could be.

This really needs to be in Coping With Infidelity. Ask a moderator to move it for you.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

There are two people who are currently a priority in your marriage. Sadly, you are not one of them. Your husband's priority is Tina. You're somewhere down the list - after himself and her and maybe some other people or things. 

Do you like being his fallback position? Does being less important to your own husband than his friend sound like something that will be fun for years to come?

I strongly recommend you get into counseling for yourself. You need to know, really _know_, that you're worth more than this. You need to get some help building healthy self-esteem.

Oh, and it's not "irrational" jealousy if the person you're jealous of really is a threat to your marriage. And Tina is.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I like what you said, Rowan, but I think the real threat to the marriage is the husband.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Here's my little two cents. There is no good reason for a married man (or married woman) to ever socialize with a member of the opposite sex alone (technically, they are never alone because the devil will always show up). I trust my wife like I trust my right arm but there is no way on God's earth she would be going to hang out alone with a straight guy for any reason. Even if I knew for a fact that she would never cheat, I wouldn't condone her hanging out with another guy. I want her to know and I want any man to know that I value her and I value our marriage enough to guard it, even to the point of being a little stupid about it. If you have something you cherish, you don't leave it laying around out in the rain. 

Two things happened here that should cause you concern, if I am reading your post correctly. #1. You spoke to your husband about this woman and your alleged soulmate promptly hopped outside the sacred boundary of intimacy with you and trotted over to this other woman and repeated your words to her. That is a huge violation of intimacy. You should be able to say anything to your husband and know he will keep your secrets. #2. This third party was talking ugly about you to your husband. Rather than defend his wife, he apparently sided with her and, acting as her messenger boy, came back home to tell you that you were not welcome. For her to speak ill of you so freely, he would have to have spent a lot of time talking ugly about you to her. If anyone disrespected my wife, I wouldn't have anything more to do with them. If he doesn't love you, does it really matter who he loves or what he might be doing with them? If he is going to be married, his actions need to be that of a committed, married man. If he wants to act single, his marital status needs to align with his behavior. 
I don't believe your problem is fighting or your insecurity. I believe the problem is a lack of resolve/commitment on his part. If there is nothing to be gained by hanging out with another woman and doing so causes his wife great anxiety, why would a loving, married man do it?


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

"they work together , have the same hobby class together and talk endless on Facebook"

I am not the jealous type at all, but I would NEVER be OK with my husband spending that much time with another person, male or female, while being married to me. After all he does with her, what time is even left to build up your marriage? What does he have to say during his endless talks with her on facebook after spending a good part of his day with her at work? Between work, classes, and internet with his other woman, what time does he even have for you? 

Have you seen their messages on facebook? Do you have access to his facebook, email, phone? Even if their conversations are not crossing a line, it is still a problem because it is excluding you and is a large drain on the time you two need to get your marriage back on a good path. 

It sounds like your separation did nothing but allow him to exert his power to do what he wants and see who he wants and that he does not care if it hurts you. At this point in your marriage he needs to be devoting most of his free time to YOU if he is serious about remaining married to you!


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

jld said:


> Your next marriage is going to be so much better, OP. You will wonder why you let this last 4 years.
> .


I don't usually so easily agree with advice to just give up, but here....

I'd disagree that there's never a place for friendships outside of marriage, but here, nope. It's Tina, or it's you. *Accept nothing less!!! * The husband you deserve would require the same of you. If your husband isn't that man, it's time to find that man.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Four years in and you have tons of hope, as you should. You are not wrong for feeling the way you feel. I agree that counseling will help ANYONE who wants or needs the help. But you are not crazy nor are you OVER NEEDY because your husband hangs with another woman more than you. 

She is a b*tch with a CAPITAL "C." Telling your husband you can't come with him to see her and he listens? How did you not punch him in the face. 

My only advice to you is to hold off on having kids for awhile. You don't want little Tina 1 and Tina 2 running around and then when you have a son and hubby names him Tina 3, you are probably going to commit murder.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Regardless of whether or no your husband is sleeping with her, he is already choosing her over you clearly. If you are not his top priority, then you two shouldn't be married. Maybe he should try the single life for a while!


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## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

I would not be ok with it if my wife had a male friend that she spent that much time with. I don't think you're being insecure at all and you're most likely being manipulated by your husband into thinking that you are.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> Here's my little two cents. There is no good reason for a married man (or married woman) to ever socialize with a member of the opposite sex alone (technically, they are never alone because the devil will always show up). I trust my wife like I trust my right arm but there is no way on God's earth she would be going to hang out alone with a straight guy for any reason. Even if I knew for a fact that she would never cheat, I wouldn't condone her hanging out with another guy. I want her to know and I want any man to know that I value her and I value our marriage enough to guard it, even to the point of being a little stupid about it. If you have something you cherish, you don't leave it laying around out in the rain.
> 
> Two things happened here that should cause you concern, if I am reading your post correctly. #1. You spoke to your husband about this woman and your alleged soulmate promptly hopped outside the sacred boundary of intimacy with you and trotted over to this other woman and repeated your words to her. That is a huge violation of intimacy. You should be able to say anything to your husband and know he will keep your secrets. #2. This third party was talking ugly about you to your husband. Rather than defend his wife, he apparently sided with her and, acting as her messenger boy, came back home to tell you that you were not welcome. For her to speak ill of you so freely, he would have to have spent a lot of time talking ugly about you to her. If anyone disrespected my wife, I wouldn't have anything more to do with them. If he doesn't love you, does it really matter who he loves or what he might be doing with them? If he is going to be married, his actions need to be that of a committed, married man. If he wants to act single, his marital status needs to align with his behavior.
> I don't believe your problem is fighting or your insecurity. I believe the problem is a lack of resolve/commitment on his part. If there is nothing to be gained by hanging out with another woman and doing so causes his wife great anxiety, why would a loving, married man do it?


That's exactly how I feel as well. Not even a hint of impropriety should be accepted. It's best to not even have opportunity if you value your marriage. And I love your last line about not leaving something that you cherish or value out in the rain.

It's a horse long since beaten to death but former bf/gf's are off limits as friends and I think opposite sex friends are only okay in the context of the work environment. For example, going to lunch with a female co-worker when you're working on an account or a project together is okay but going out after work alone for drinks is not.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It is easy enough for the devil to find you. You don't need to go out of your way to encourage him into your life. If a married woman went out of her way to spend a lot of time with me and spent that time talking ugly about her husband, I would assume she wanted me to peel her knickers off.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> Here's my little two cents. There is no good reason for a married man (or married woman) to ever socialize with a member of the opposite sex alone (technically, they are never alone because the devil will always show up). I trust my wife like I trust my right arm but there is no way on God's earth she would be going to hang out alone with a straight guy for any reason. Even if I knew for a fact that she would never cheat, I wouldn't condone her hanging out with another guy. I want her to know and I want any man to know that I value her and I value our marriage enough to guard it, even to the point of being a little stupid about it. If you have something you cherish, you don't leave it laying around out in the rain.
> 
> Two things happened here that should cause you concern, if I am reading your post correctly. #1. You spoke to your husband about this woman and your alleged soulmate promptly hopped outside the sacred boundary of intimacy with you and trotted over to this other woman and repeated your words to her. That is a huge violation of intimacy. You should be able to say anything to your husband and know he will keep your secrets. #2. This third party was talking ugly about you to your husband. Rather than defend his wife, he apparently sided with her and, acting as her messenger boy, came back home to tell you that you were not welcome. For her to speak ill of you so freely, he would have to have spent a lot of time talking ugly about you to her. If anyone disrespected my wife, I wouldn't have anything more to do with them. If he doesn't love you, does it really matter who he loves or what he might be doing with them? If he is going to be married, his actions need to be that of a committed, married man. If he wants to act single, his marital status needs to align with his behavior.
> I don't believe your problem is fighting or your insecurity. I believe the problem is a lack of resolve/commitment on his part. If there is nothing to be gained by hanging out with another woman and doing so causes his wife great anxiety, why would a loving, married man do it?


Just love your post


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You're not being unreasonable, needy, jealous or anything else. Your husband is being EXTREMELY inappropriate, and Tina? Hmmmm...my post would get deleted if I wrote what I'm thinking...

They work together, socialise together and talk on FB? I don't have the jealousy gene and even I think that's ridiculous!! 

You should be your husbands top priority. No one else. I don't know ANY MARRIED WOMAN who would be ok with this. Not a single one.


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