# Don't know what to do????



## torn

So I will give you the low down on my life. As with most people when you're young you have lavish ideas of marriage and what it should be. I was one of those people. But not to the extreme. I wished for a home, kids and loving husband. I am hardly high maintenance and when I did have children, I really began taking my role as wife and mother very seriously. My huisband was young and wanted a family but still the life of a party goer. Most of my first years of marriage we had to face those issues. We moved to another province to start a better life with my first son. He opened his dream business with promises of grandeur. It was his first time. That whole year was wrought with him spending so much time into the business; a reprucussion I had not banked on. It lead to many fights and eventually his first tastes of drugs. I had my second son and moved to yet another province.We reopened the store and we did way better than we hoped. We had a house built ,had two vehicles and seemingly a normal life. My husband has had a weakness for alchol for some time. The later years were worse than the earlier ones. With our business flourishing we seemed like we were on the right track. And so we had another child;a girl. Probably a few years after that I noticed personality changes with him. Quick to anger; he was always yelling. Apparently it was me and how I didn't love him anymore or just me in general. On christmas day three years ago, my sister in law told me the truth: my husband was addicted to crack. He was spending three days away from home consistently which I later found was him binging. Oh the trials and tirbulations that followed. He struggled; i kicked him out after months of crying and depression. That time apart, he went to counselling, detox; I had to cut him off from money. He tried his best and although I knew that only a few months wouldn't cure him , I let him back in.The whole time I wanted this all to end;I wanted so bad to leave. Over the next few years he struggled ; I really couldn't give him any money or it would be gone. He would disappear for a night; towing, impounding the car, damaging both vehicles. Then he stopped which is where we are today. He hasn't touched it in about six months. But his drinking has increased. I find myself hating who is when he isn't sober. He drinks late at night always alone because that is what I ask of him. If he drinks I don't want to be around. I have already told him plainly if that some man walked in my life and offered me a new one, I would take it. He knows that. How do or can I trust him anymore??? I read so much on addiction trying to empathsize with him;found out I was co-dependant and made myself feel worse. My kids love their father and right now will forgive his occasional weakness,But how long is that going to last. My husband will yell but he doesn't hit. He has no friends and recently is connecting with a friend from his highschool years who is divorced and has two kids. He drank last night and talked to her on the phone into the wee hours of the morning. I caught snipets of his conversation; she's not the woman I married anymore, she told the children even though I wanted to keep it a secret, she should have handled my addiction differently;she's always angry or upset. This is him confiding in another woman; telling her about our problems and the same time saying that she was hard to get kinda woman and that's what he finds attractive!! So a little flirting; a little needing to feel loved I guess; I don't know. Now we're selling the house and planning on moving into another province. A whirlwind of false hopes, perhaps or a better life. All I know is that I have grown into a destitiute, unhappy person; I have hate what I've become. I told myself as long as he doesn't do crack, I'll be fine. But he hasn't and I still feel uneasy about it . He has no access to cash at all; no money has gone missing. But he slips into his depressive ways(which he thinks he doesn't suffer from) and the drinking begins. I would appreciate any advise. I apologize for the long-windedness of my post. This is a first for me but I don't know who else to turn to . I have wonderful friends who know about his past but then i don't want to worry them about this all over again.Please be gentle, though;its my first time!


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## justean

my hubby has enjoyed drink for 13 years - i rarely drink.
he has never been physical . but in the 13 yrs had terrible mood swings and aggressive tendenices ( short fused)
now i admit i can take n e thing in moderation, but i dont do well when it comes to the excess. 
at night when he has fallen asleep from alcohol. which can be 12 hr drink sessions. just does not know, when enough is enough.
your left to put the children to bed (again)
your left alone. 
you feel like you run the entire show on your own sometimes.
i hate the sullen, sunken eyes. i hate the slurring and the snoring. i hate his loudness. like a jekyll and hyde character.
but this yr, as a family and his mother. 
we all said we can take no more. 
he went to our gp , who diagnosed depression. he has been on a drug called citalopram. one a night. 
but honestly i had the best husband and father for 3 weeks.
but heres the catch. after the 3rd wk and fuelled by drink ( paraletic) he had a one night stand.
these tablets or stuff like this really is a mixture for disaster, that nearly cost our marriage. 
but hubby back home now and were working through this latest quest.
but he stopped drinking in this period for 3 months. great and tablets really helping.
then for the last 4 weeks , coming into our warmer weather, ive been having family bbqs and guess wht. the drinking increased again.
but this time it was definately a different approach. i simply love my hubby. but i cannot do this n e more. as simple as really.
ive done the drinking times and ive done the one night stand. there is not going to b a next time. 
so i just told my hubby to choose, me or the drink. he chose me.
again i dont mind him drinking but it the excess.
but the tablets do help. he is calmer. better with our children.
better with me. 
as for the woman - id have to stop that too. its unfair, put the shoe on the other foot.
as for you, what you have become - change it , change you.
i have changed many times. you have to , in order to progress.


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## torn

Some of what you wrote really hit home. My husband is not a mean spirited person. I know he loves me but as with me he feels that i can not let go of how he has hurt me through the years. And maybe he's right. I am a strong minded individual; I used to be such a softy but through these years I have become hard. But i hate seeing him drink; he acts like a know it all prick , and embarrasses me. it's almost like he can't have a good time without drinking. Lately, he's been drinking 12 packs in a night. I too, tried telling him that it was either the booze or me and you know what he said? "I can't give up booze because it would be a lie.I am who I am and you have to live with it." When he wasn't around for the month we were seperated, I felt lighter even though I had all my kids and had to make ends meet on my own. I realize now that that was a glimpse of happiness. But on the other hand, I have had so many wonderful memories that include my husband and children. If i hated him I would have left a long time ago.I think we are at an impass. He doesn't even bother to get me gifts for our anniversary or birthdays; he won't or can't put in the effort I guess. So I really am a little torn on what to do because my end decision will not only affect me but my children. I wanna leave but then my kids hold me back. I always think of my kids.Should I just suffer through the alchol the rest of my life with this man just so my kids have a normal family??


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## nicole_walace

You are being a very strong woman and only want what is best for your family. Being a good mother is going to have to come first. Do you want your kids to be raised arount this? I am sure your answer is no just as any mother who cares for their children. I am a product of divorce, so I don't want divorce for my child, but sometimes you feel as if that is the only answer. I support you in what you are trying to accomplish. The only thing is you have to realize the change isn't going to happen unless your husband wants it too. You allowing him to drink away from you isn't curing the problem but causing it to be worse by him letting another woman help him make his decisions. In the end he is the only one making them, but you dont' know what suggestions that she is making to him on the other end of the line. She is a single parent maybe she is looking for someone to help her again, but then again maybe she is trying to help someone fix something similar to what she messed up. The only way you will be able to work this out with your husband is communication. If things get worse demand rehab. Good luck I would like to see nothing more than you two to work through this together.


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## lexigsd1

I wanna leave but then my kids hold me back. I always think of my kids.Should I just suffer through the alchol the rest of my life with this man just so my kids have a normal family??

Is your family really normal? Are they really happy? Kids know and are aware of more than you think they are. Your situation sounds very similar to mine and I really feel like I may be in the blind leading the blind catagory but that last statement really struck me to the point where I had to reply. I've been with my husband for 33 years and just left a couple of months ago (and I'm not the same woman he married either). I have many of the same feelings you do and sometimes feel like I'm loosing my mind. I've been going to al-anon meetings and find alot of peace there. Actually while at the meetings are my only times of sanity. Even with that, I wonder if al-anons approach is the right approach. I'm waiting to see a pyscotherapist for more input as I don't know if I want to adapt myself to conform to an alcholics life style, which is kind of the message I'm getting from al-anon. I've also set up a second appointment with a marriage councelor (the first of which my husband didn't show up for). It's so hard to leave and at the same time it's so hard to stay. So many years invested and lost. Caring for someone that doesn't care about themselves. I've come to one conclusion....there are no simple answers or easy fixes. And, in all of this I don't think it is possible for kids to become healthy adults. It just isn't a healthy environment. They have to pick up on the tension, underlying hostilities; hear the arguments and sense your unhappiness not to mention the differences in their father's behaviors. I wish you the best in coming to a solution, but don't wait 30 some odd years.


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## voivod

torn said:


> Now we're selling the house and planning on moving into another province. A whirlwind of false hopes, perhaps or a better life. All I know is that I have grown into a destitiute, unhappy person; I have hate what I've become. I told myself as long as he doesn't do crack, I'll be fine. But he hasn't and I still feel uneasy about it . He has no access to cash at all; no money has gone missing. But he slips into his depressive ways(which he thinks he doesn't suffer from) and the drinking begins. I would appreciate any advise. I apologize for the long-windedness of my post. This is a first for me but I don't know who else to turn to . I have wonderful friends who know about his past but then i don't want to worry them about this all over again.Please be gentle, though;its my first time!


geographing is what moving with the hopes of a better life is. moving won't change him.

depression is depression. he needs real help if he suffers from depression. there is situational depression. it doesn't sound like that's what it is, but what do i know?

crack, alcohol, whatever. addiction is addiction. you forced his hand once on the crack. it seems to have worked. alcohol addiction is insideous. insist that he see your family doctor and ask him about alcoholism. it is imperative for his survival and yours that he get that taken care of.

gentle enough????


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## torn

Thank You to everyone who cared enough to post their opinions. I can see where you all come from and realize there are people out there that do care even complete strangers. We eventually did make the move and things have gotten worse. He still drinks but not as much(We just can't afford it now)But his depression is ever present. We made a visible effort not to cause any tension in our family life . We keep our serious talks when the children are at school.For my kids sake, we put in this last effort. There is so much unbelieble stress right now especially with the economy changing. Jobs are getting sparce but we try to get by somehow. As for our relationship, I fear it is now dead in the water. I invest all my spare time into my kids now. Everyone was right.: he will never change and unless he seeks the help he needs, there is nothing I can do for him. I feel like I failed my marriage and that is a hard lump of coal to swallow, let me tell you. But I try to be as positive as i can.There are things I should be thankful for and more often than not I easily forget. There is always someone else out there that has suffered hardship far worse than me. If I had the power to help those people out, I would. But I need to help myself first as most of you would agree. Thanks for advice everyone. It is very much appreciated!


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## GA2009

Torn, I feel that I should reply here.

My husband does not have the same addiction as yours but still he has been addicted to porn for years and it has turned him into a person I don't even anymore.

This happened slowly and 7 years into our marriage he wanted to have an affair with a coworker and I stayed through that and I was very patient and he thanks me today for that. But, if I would have know that he was continue with addictions and trying to look outsied of our marriage I would have left back then. I have been waiting for 24 years for him to become a more devoted father and husband and he hasn't and to tell you the truth I don't know if he ever will.

I really don't know how long you have been married and what your financial situation is but you have children and since your husband is not a raitonal person you have to look after them.
So i am suggesting for you to look for help and get out of that relationship, because there are possibilities of happiness, and most of all of peace in your life. Because that is what your children need a stable mother at least.

Please think about your children and yourself right now.

I can't imagine what is like to live with an alcoholic I have never experienced it, but it doesn't sound easy.


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