# Could use help with our train wreck.



## littlekings (Feb 27, 2011)

Married 12 years. 3 kids. Last several have just been dead years. No love no affection no care and concern. Everything has been about kids and jobs We both have demanding jobs.

2 weeks ago, after getting ugly feelings and sensing something was very wrong I confessed about an affair I had (I call it a 75% affair, I guess emotional affair is more correct) That didn't ease the strange feeling I was getting so I started snooping and caught my wife doing the same thing. 

I am now a mess with hundreds of questions. I don't sleep. I don't trust. 

We are going to a counselor Wednesday. She was reluctant to go citing bad childhood experience with counselor but she is willing. I think she had her "O ****" moment where she realized what she did. I had mine about 2 weeks before she did. I wish we both had them a month ago. I wouldn't be posting...

Question 1. How do you trust after something like this? No matter what she does I twist it into something that points to contacting or wishing she could still call/text the other guy. From what little snooping I can still do I don't think she is but I still wonder. With texts, facebook,email, work phone I could never be sure.

Question 2. How do you really know your spouse is serious about the counseling or if they are going through the motions to say they tried? I read an article where people use counseling to "prove" the relationship can't be saved.

We have had several talks and we say we don't hate each other. We had a fight last night but before that we were smiling and hugging and kissing and trying to touch in bed. I want in my heart to believe we are both going to work on our marriage but I can't see in her head. I am a big ball of worry.

Any ideas on how to calm myself down? Anything I can do over the next few days to show her how sorry I am and how much I still care?


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

This is salvagable. infact it is probably more likely to be saved than not, as long as you both are commited. Is she commite to giving it 100% effort as you are?


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

I agree that the insanely odd timing, and the fact that you both messed up gives you a better chance at healing.

However, saying you don't hate eachother is a long way from recovery.

Are you BOTH committed to recovery?


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Step back breathe, hold on for the roller coaster of a ride. Follow the steps to ending an affair. Agree to try to work on the marriage, knowing that emotions right now are going to be messed up and you may not really think you want to fix it right now but then realize that mending a marriage heals quicker than ending in a divorce. But still a long road. Make family time. 
One step at a time one minute at a time. Read.............Post........Ask questions..........Take care of yourself eat sleep, take care of the kids. 

Get a PRO MARRIAGE councillor, not like the one I had that was helping my W get closer to Divorce.

There is a chance of saving it. Affaircares, Marriagebuilders and others guides help. 

Good luck


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

You're right, you can't see inside her head. You can't really know, aside from her words and her actions, whether she's really committed to saving your marriage or just going through the motions. All you can do is make sure that YOU give it 100% and simply hope that she's going to do the same; I would say *trust* she'll do the same, but I know trust is hard to come by in a situation like this. 

There is no way to know with absolute certainty that she's really trying. But in fairness, even in a marriage where trust hasn't been broken, there isn't any way to know that your partner is committed to the marriage. You just trust that they are. So when the trust has been broken, but you want to repair the damage, you start with hope and work your way back to trust. 

I hope you guys can make it work.


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## littlekings (Feb 27, 2011)

You are right about the step at a time minute at a time. My mind is all over the place. Every few hours I will have a few ups and downs. I know I want to salvage it. I am pretty sure she does. I asked her for total and complete honesty at this point and she said yes. She said she wouldn't put me or the kids through any more than needed and wouldn't fake the counseling.
I fell asleep first tonight and before she slept she 'spooned' I'm thinking that is a good thing? She specifically bought me a favorite cookie at the store today too.We also texted a little when she was out. My sick mind has trouble even accepting these things as good. I tell myself she is being nice because she is about to drop a bomb on me.
I am super emotional and for every good thing I do or step forward we take I mess up something else. She tends to be pretty reserved and I think I am not helping my case by appearing so crazy. Last night I lost it after feeling neglected at a party and yelled. She was hurt by a few things I said and has been mad at me all day I feel so immature right now but I can't keep the emotions in check
I over worry and overanalize EVERYTHING and this is no exception. If I can come up with a bad outcome I have myself convinced of it in a matter of seconds.
I myself am going to see someone but my counselor is busy and it will be another week or so before I can get in.
Can you tell the state of craziness this has left me in?


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

I am just a guy about 6 months ahead of you, my wife had a EA/PA. Dealing with that aftermath. You sound to me like you are at a normal state of crazy, for the situation. Just get an extra filter between brain and mouth. When you want to yell take the big breath hold it walk away exhale slowly. Find a quiet place to sort ur head. 1good friend to confide in. If anxiety is off the charts your primary care doctor can help you.

The situation stinks but it sounds like u two both want the same thing. The night before d day was the last time I slept in the same room as my W. You will get through this. There is support here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## littlekings (Feb 27, 2011)

Thank all of you. I will be back on here, I'd guess daily.

I do have someone I'm talking to daily about all this.

I am also going to try to start a hobby or activity or find support group to distract my brain for an hour or so.


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