# sexless and drive increase



## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Anyone have this happen before? Unfortunately our sexlessness has nothing to do with lack of drive, it is a secondary symptom of bigger problems. We are attempting to work through them. Sex literally almost never comes up in arguments about our relationship, it seems we both mutually know that it is only a symptom so we don't focus on it. In fact, it's only come up maybe 2 or 3 times in the last year, and all by me in fact, and mostly recently. Some in calm settings ("do you realize how long it's been since we've had sex? Do you miss it?") , some during an argument ("if I don't get f*cked soon I'm going to go crazy!"). But literally, it's happened so few times that that's even discussed. 

We've been sexless for about a year and a half. At first it was very adaptable, I'm used to my husband traveling and being away for work, and we were never those people who had to have sex every day. Then I went through a period where I would constantly fantasize about what it would be like to be with another man. Funny thing is, I'm extremely attracted to my husband, even when I hate him. He's very handsome, nice body. But I just stopped thinking about him sexually because of my disdain for him. Then recently in the last few months I began to actually crave sex with my own husband again. I took this as a good sign, but it didn't solve our problems. It was just a private victory of knowing that i had the ability to love him and desire him again if we were able to work out our marital problems.

Ever since i could start lusting after him again, it seems my sex drive has skyrocketed. But of course, no outlet, except for the obvious. I was never low drive before though. I don't know, average? In fact my husband and I seemed to have similar sex drives before our other problems started. Nobody ever complained about the frequency of sex and it was never the source of a fight. Having sex once a week was about the normal, sometimes twice. We both seemed happy with it. I look back on this and am realizing how grateful i am (or should have been?) for how much we were in sync for that part of our relationship. Nobody ever turned the other down. In fact, if he ever came on to me and i wasn't in the mood, I would oblige him in other ways that didn't require intercourse. Ugh, we had it so good with that and didn't even realize it. 

So, i guess the point of this thread is, anyone else experience this increase in sex drive after being sexless for so long? Or do you usually start to crave sex less because you've gone so long without it? I'm gong crazy here, i don't know how to manage it. Sex has never been this much of my focus before, i think of it a million times a day everyday it seems. And i know this seems a little bit stereotypical of me to ask, but it's a burning question in my mind all the time... can a man really go without sex for this long?! When we've talked about it and I've asked how he is managing without sex and if he's gone elsewhere, he always tells me no and that he just jacks off a lot. I'd like to believe him, but a part of me doesn't. A part of me thinks he has to have gone elsewhere. I fear that we will eventually get to 2 years and that will be insane. I just keep trying to tell myself that if we are able to fix our marriage and do have sex again, it will be exciting and somewhat new. Positive thinking, right??


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Adeline,
What would he do if you were to tell him: I know things are still not great. That said, I want to fly the plane while fixing it. I desire you, and later tonight I am going to take you to bed. 


FYI: The level of candor in your post is very high. And that's great. 
- Is your disdain for him decreasing? 
- Is that because he is making changes or your are reluctantly accepting some of his flaws?
- Would he say that your disdain for him is decreasing? I'm differentiating between how you feel and just how transparent you are with him. 

I ask because that single factor - his perception of whether you respect him - may entirely determine his willingness to sleep with you.....






Adeline said:


> Anyone have this happen before? Unfortunately our sexlessness has nothing to do with lack of drive, it is a secondary symptom of bigger problems. We are attempting to work through them. Sex literally almost never comes up in arguments about our relationship, it seems we both mutually know that it is only a symptom so we don't focus on it. In fact, it's only come up maybe 2 or 3 times in the last year, and all by me in fact, and mostly recently. Some in calm settings ("do you realize how long it's been since we've had sex? Do you miss it?") , some during an argument ("if I don't get f*cked soon I'm going to go crazy!"). But literally, it's happened so few times that that's even discussed.
> 
> We've been sexless for about a year and a half. At first it was very adaptable, I'm used to my husband traveling and being away for work, and we were never those people who had to have sex every day. Then I went through a period where I would constantly fantasize about what it would be like to be with another man. Funny thing is, I'm extremely attracted to my husband, even when I hate him. He's very handsome, nice body. But I just stopped thinking about him sexually because of my disdain for him. Then recently in the last few months I began to actually crave sex with my own husband again. I took this as a good sign, but it didn't solve our problems. It was just a private victory of knowing that i had the ability to love him and desire him again if we were able to work out our marital problems.
> 
> ...


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I had pondered that before, if just forgoing the whole mindset of "fix everything first, then sex will follow" would be beneficial or not. One would think that sex should be something that happens in a stable marriage, and that usually we don't desire someone whom we have some contempt for. I've even wondered if finally having sex would even improve things overall. One thing I am convinced of, as long as we are working on things and continuing counseling, I will probably initiate sex before things feel "right." Because it may never feel that way. I just can't help but think maybe having that type of connection could actually help.

Overall, yes, my disdain for him is decreasing. I still mentally feel some of the same anger and hurt, but emotionally I feel that i want to work on this marriage and try my best. I do feel different lately, and i want to give us a chance. As long as he does his part in that. He is making some changes, but it is extremely slow going for various reasons. He has been very cooperative about going to counseling. But some of it is me learning to accept his flaws, definitely. I don't know if it's lowering my expectations or just realizing that there is no such thing as perfection. Hmmm. I'm not sure how he would feel. THat is a good question. I think maybe he thinks I appear willing to work on things, but I don't think I appear as softened to him as I am in my thoughts. I am somewhat guarded about that with him. I set up counseling and am willing to spend some time with him, but for the most part how I feel about him stays within my own internal thoughts. He probably doesn't know that I'm feeling more proactive about us, other than counseling.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Adeline said:


> I've even wondered if finally having sex would even improve things overall.


Consider the possibility that it will encourage him to work even harder. Many men find sex to be a bonding experience with their woman. It can be difficult to feel fully connected without it. So if you are feeling desire, that may be a sign that you want to move things to the next level.



> One thing I am convinced of, as long as we are working on things and continuing counseling, I will probably initiate sex before things feel "right." Because it may never feel that way. I just can't help but think maybe having that type of connection could actually help.


A potential problem is that things may never feel "right" enough. There will likely always be issues, be it stress, travel, mistakes, illness or the like. So if you wait until that perfect time, you may find yourself waiting forever.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

nikoled said:


> . It was the easiest part for us to "fix" because it didn't cost anything- it just required us to both be present. Now, we are at a point where we probably need to start working on some other areas, but I think even those other areas are improving because of this one step we took.


Wow, that really resonated with me. So true. In our situation, sex would definitely be the easiest of the issues to solve. And definitely the issue with the least baggage, as it wasn't even an issue to begin with. I had always had the mindset of everything else needs to be fixed or at least significantly improved before we'd tackle sex. Maybe I have it all wrong. I'm definitely willing to rethink my thought process on that.



Tall Average Guy said:


> A potential problem is that things may never feel "right" enough. There will likely always be issues, be it stress, travel, mistakes, illness or the like. So if you wait until that perfect time, you may find yourself waiting forever.


Definitely, it's why I finally realized that a month or so ago that waiting for things to be more conducive could leave me waiting an awful long time. I sort of mentally made it a goal that once we've been going to counseling a little bit longer and as long as things are improving or at least not getting worse that I will be initiating sex between us even before it feels "ready." Probably in the next couple months... kind of scary, but exciting as well. 

During this last year and a half, we've never had to turn the other down... simply because no one has initiated sex at all to the other. So, I've never had to turn my husband down because he's never tried to come on to me during this problematic time, even when things have been neutral and fairly good. I honestly think that if he had I would have definitely given in. But he hasn't... is that strange I wonder? I hear about so many people who have major problems and yet still they occasionally have sex. May be infrequent, but it still happens. My best friend is one of them. And then here we are, literally never having sex. That's what makes me wonder.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Adeline,
Is there a reason you are uncertain whether or not he's gone elsewhere? In general do you lack trust in him? Is that based on intuition or actual experience? 

In a way, it might be a good sign the the hasn't initiated. If he sees sex as an expression of intimacy, than he likely won't want one without the other. Disdain and intimacy are mutually exclusive for emotionally mature people. 

For clarity's sake, I'm not challenging the validity of your disdain. Just observing how it might feed this dynamic. 

Is your lack of respect more caused by his traits, or specific behaviors? 

Have you written down a list of his positive/negative traits and associated +/- behaviors? 

Trait: inconsiderate
Behavior: openly stares at other women when you two are out

Does he have a clear understanding of what you want from him? Has he given you a clear understanding of what he wants from you? 

Did he change substantially over time, or did you simply overlook/tolerate his issues in the beginning? 

Does he seem totally committed, or is it more a case that staying married is easier than getting divorced due to kids/finances/friends? 


QUOTE=Adeline;7997282]Wow, that really resonated with me. So true. In our situation, sex would definitely be the easiest of the issues to solve. And definitely the issue with the least baggage, as it hasn't even an issue to begin with. I had always had the mindset of everything else needs to be fixed or at least significantly improved before we'd tackle sex. Maybe I have it all wrong. I'm definitely willing to rethink my thought process on that.



Definitely, it's why I finally realized that a month or so ago that waiting for things to be more conducive could leave me waiting an awful long time. I sort of mentally made it a goal that once we've been going to counseling a little bit longer and as long as things are improving or at least not getting worse that I will be initiating sex between us even before it feels "ready." Probably in the next couple months... kind of scary, but exciting as well. 

During this last year and a half, we've never had to turn the other down... simply because no one has initiated sex at all to the other. So, I've never had to turn my husband down because he's never tried to come on to me during this problematic time, even when things have been neutral and fairly good. I honestly think that if he had I would have definitely given in. But he hasn't... is that strange I wonder? I hear about so many people who have major problems and yet still they occasionally have sex. May be infrequent, but it still happens. My best friend is one of them. And then here we are, literally never having sex. That's what makes me wonder.[/QUOTE]


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Adeline said:


> During this last year and a half, we've never had to turn the other down... simply because no one has initiated sex at all to the other. So, I've never had to turn my husband down because he's never tried to come on to me during this problematic time, even when things have been neutral and fairly good. I honestly think that if he had I would have definitely given in. But he hasn't... is that strange I wonder? I hear about so many people who have major problems and yet still they occasionally have sex. May be infrequent, but it still happens. My best friend is one of them. And then here we are, literally never having sex. That's what makes me wonder.


Just wanted to chime in on this part. I'm in a sexless marriage and it is extreme. We had a lot of problems in our marriage that led to a year long separation. At that point we had gone 3.5 years without sex. It has been a little over two years since we reconciled. It was difficult at first but we seem to have resolved or compromised on most of our major issues but the one thing that hasn't happened is intimacy. Last year around March I really made an effort to re-establish intimacy and we had sex 4 times between then and the beginning of July. That July we took a step back in our relationship and we haven't had sex since. We've had no intimacy of any kind. It will be a year before I know it.

As a male, I suppose it is my job to take the lead on this. However, in order to do this I have to feel connected to her ... and I don't. Too much water under the bridge to use an old saying. Now one big difference is that she shows little interest and has a history of either turning me down or simply going through the motions. You clearly have interest and do not have the same history of rejection. I know she wants to bring back affection but I'm having a difficult time doing that. It may help bring back my feeling of connection with her but I am also leery of reestablishing the pattern of a great deal of affection with little actual sex. I don't want to settle or just "give up" and accept our old patterns that caused a lot of our problems in the first place ... and I don't want to have sex with somebody who has little interest in having sex with me. It bothers me a great deal that when we talk about problems in our marriage, I am the only one who talks about intimacy. Do I crave sex? Heck yes ... I think about it constantly. Can a man go without it? Well, I take care of myself ... TMI, I know ... and that is enough to (sort of) keep the edge off. Keeps me from going crazy or doing something foolish like looking outside my marriage.

So you ask if it's strange that he hasn't come to you. Well, I don't know the extent of your issues but it isn't necessarily strange. 

I HAVE had the same thought as you though ... I know lots of couples that have BIG problems who still have sex. I have known people who went through bitter nasty divorces and still hooked up with their ex. I only wish that if I'm going to have problems in my marriage, sex (or lack of) wouldn't be one of them ... but it is definitely a casualty in our case.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

A thought has been running through my mind recently that maybe the reason we don't have sex despite our issues is that we are not particularly attracted to each other.

I have never thought my wife was all that physically attractive. She simply is not my type. We had a tremendous chemistry and that is what made her attractive to me. Since marriage she has become morbidly obese and weighs well over 300lbs. It may seem shallow but that is definitely unappealing in my eyes. I wonder if our sex life would be different if I had married someone I had a strong physical attraction to and if that would be enough to keep the sexual chemistry there even if our emotional connection was gone or strained. Without the emotional connection I used to have with her, I just don't see her sexually. I only feel attracted to her when something reminds me of what we used to have. Would I initiate more often if she was "hot" in my eyes and be able to disconnect sex from the problems in our marriage? I don't know.

A few people on TAM have this belief that women are rarely LD and if they act as if they have a LD then it is because they aren't particularly attracted to their husband. I've wondered about that. I know that I am not my wife's type either. She prefers big burly bear type guys and I am definitely not one of those. I'm in great shape but I'm not big. I'm around 5'11" and close to 200lbs but if it's any indication, I went to the doctor about a month ago and when I stood on the scale, the nurse started me out at around 140lbs and kept having to nudge the scale up. I'm all muscle with hardly an ounce of fat. Nobody would accuse me of being big and burly. I'm a cornerback not a linebacker. My wife recognizes that I'm in good shape and she has told me even recently that I'm a good looking man ... but that is not the same thing as finding me physically attractive. I have often wondered if the reason she has little interest in sex is simply because I'm not her type. Would she initiate more despite our problems if I was more her type? 

I don't know the answer to that. I am certainly not implying that he isn't attracted to you physically. You could be a super model for all I know. You had asked the question if you thought it was strange that he doesn't initiate despite the problems in your marriage. Just thought I would throw that out there. Even Christie Brinkley was cheated on by some nutcase who was tired of looking at her.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

MEM11363- no, there's never been blaring evidence that he's gone elsewhere. My only concerns within that that make me sometimes suspect in the back of my mind are that he travels a lot for work and that we just haven't had sex in over a year. Yeah, even in sexlessness we do still seem to be on the same wavelength of sex and intimacy going together. My feelings have changed towards him because of his behaviors. He was a very good man for many years of us being together, and it changed a year and a half ago. But they seem to be becoming a part of his character, which I don't like. 

Yes, he does have some positive to him, which is why I think I still do stick around and put up with the negative. We have had many talks about what would need to be different between us, and there have been a handful of times in this past year and a half where he has had what I call an "epiphany" where he sees the light and realizes he shouldn't be treating me this way and that he wants to be different. I would fully believe him the first couple times it happened. But it was always short lived. He is struggling with some things in his own self, it's just not entirely clear what that is yet. In my opinion these traits and behaviors were not present in the beginning. A lot of his problems seem to stem from materialism from making more money at a new job. The change in him and our marriage has definitely been a sudden onset. It began as fighting more frequently for a few months, and then trickled into silent treatments and lack of affection. We have both been varying in commitment, but lately we both seem to want to work towards fixing this. 

JustSomeGuyWho- Yes, it is strange that sex seems to differ for people even when their marriages have severe problems. My best friend's husband cheated on her a few years ago, and she was so upset and telling me she was leaving him... and two days later she slept with him, and was telling me how she regretted it. And I remember thinking, how does that even happen?! I know it's a little bit f*cked up thinking... but in a way I was jealous. Here there marriage is struggling in immense ways, and yet they still occasionally have sex. I hate that I think that way.

We are definitely not only sexless, but also there's been no affection. Sex was the first to go, but affection soon followed a few months after. We were always the couple who held hands when out, hugged and kissed multiple times a day, and cuddled on the couch watching tv. We were similar in our needs for affection. We have kissed once in the last year and a half. ONCE. He gave me a hug and a quick kiss before leaving on a longer work trip last summer. Hugs would probably be the most frequent thing, but even that has only been about 4 times in the last year and a half when he's felt bad enough to comfort me. I literally can remember each time too. Kind of sad. I miss the affection as much as the sex. And strangely enough, it seems that the affection will be more difficult to establish again than sex would. It seems it should be the other way around! 

In terms of your inquiry of looks, I know that we each are probably not the best one to critique ourselves whether positively or negatively because of bias. I'm no supermodel, but I feel that I am fairly attractive. It's actually funny... I've actually become MORE confident in my looks in the last few years, and then my marriage fails. I never was unhappy with how I looked, I always felt that I was pretty and stayed in shape. But in the last few years for various reasons I've felt better about my self more than I ever have. It's actually a shallow thing that enters my mind a lot... the whole, well hey, I work hard for my body and feel great, but for what reason? He doesn't appreciate it. Like it's all waste. Does he think i'll look like this forever?? No. I don't know, it's just ironic. A wife wants her husband to appreciate all of her, and that includes her appearance. I don't want to make it sound like i'll run out and cheat because I am too committed to keeping my marriage intact, but I feel that I could easily find a guy to appreciate me and desire me, and that my husband takes me for granted. Looks and all.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

My situation is a bit different. My husband has a low T count and ED for around 10 years. There hasn't been a lot of passion or intercourse in the bedroom because of that. He is affectionate during the day with kisses hugs and I love you's, I keep busy at night with our children and when I did get to bed he was asleep. He told me he loved and was attracted to me but didn't have the desire to be more intimate. I got a bit resentful over the years and thought if he wasn't interested then I wasn't going to always be the one to initiate something. That hurt but I was happy in our marriage otherwise. He has gone to a few Doctors.

Now that the kids are older and didn't need me I started craving attention from my husband. I told him that and he said he couldn't complete the act. I said I just want to cuddle with him. That night I we have a wonderful night of cuddling, passionate kissing, oral sex (he still can't get an erection when I give him a BJ) and just laying in each others arms without clothes. He started crying and confessed he had avoided any intimacy with me because it's so frustrating for him because he can't have intercourse. He has become depressed because of it. My resentment turned into compassion for him and we both vowed to get together nightly. 

Ever since that night I have more had more desire than ever to be with him. Most nights we just cuddle and kiss with our clothes on and don't do a lot of touching (his preference) It would be my dream to do what we did that first night every night or he takes me in his arms takes off my clothes and kisses me passionately. I love when he touches me. He just doesn't have the desire. This does make me feel rejected at times but he reminds me that it isn't me, it's him and he loves me. He has another appointment with an Urologist next month.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Adeline,
I read your other thread. 

Does his occupation preclude divorce? 

Suddenly a good guy began acting in an aggressive and hostile manner towards you. In fact hostile might not fully capture it. Hateful might do it justice. 

The real question is this: Was he being hateful because he felt hurt or unloved? Or
Was being hateful a means to an end? A tactic he used to push you away? 

The core question therefore is: What was the catalyst for his becoming hateful. 

And I'm here to tell you that it was NOT his work success. Doing well at work, by itself would not create hostility towards you. It might give him a sense of entitlement (hence the costly toys he buys) but not hostility. 

What happened to trigger all this? Generally that type of intense negative emotion is rooted in something core. 

Why is he using money to punish you? You're married so the money is a joint resource that apparently you make very judicious use of. His use of money as a weapon seems very odd to me. Sure it's a power play, but generally folks only do hostile stuff like that when they feel powerless in other parts of the marriage. 

Why did he feel the need to be so - hateful? 

This is a short list of areas of high voltage male circuits:

Sex
- Frequency: It's very odd that a young, very ambitious man only wants sex once a week. I'm not questioning your honesty. I am saying that his desire pattern is highly unusual. Is it possible that his primary sexual desire is not for women? Is there a way you can discretely get a look at the porn he watches?

Ask yourself a question. When he had opportunities to have sex more than once a week with you, how did he react? Did he initiate, or avoid? If he avoided, was it via white lie: headache, stomach ache, some other random deceit?

Just before he started pushing you away, were you the one who was always initiating sex? Or was he? Was there really no rejection? 

- Affair: Have you checked? 

Drugs
Is he using drugs or alcohol heavily? 



Adeline said:


> MEM11363- no, there's never been blaring evidence that he's gone elsewhere. My only concerns within that that make me sometimes suspect in the back of my mind are that he travels a lot for work and that we just haven't had sex in over a year. Yeah, even in sexlessness we do still seem to be on the same wavelength of sex and intimacy going together. My feelings have changed towards him because of his behaviors. He was a very good man for many years of us being together, and it changed a year and a half ago. But they seem to be becoming a part of his character, which I don't like.
> 
> Yes, he does have some positive to him, which is why I think I still do stick around and put up with the negative. We have had many talks about what would need to be different between us, and there have been a handful of times in this past year and a half where he has had what I call an "epiphany" where he sees the light and realizes he shouldn't be treating me this way and that he wants to be different. I would fully believe him the first couple times it happened. But it was always short lived. He is struggling with some things in his own self, it's just not entirely clear what that is yet. In my opinion these traits and behaviors were not present in the beginning. A lot of his problems seem to stem from materialism from making more money at a new job. The change in him and our marriage has definitely been a sudden onset. It began as fighting more frequently for a few months, and then trickled into silent treatments and lack of affection. We have both been varying in commitment, but lately we both seem to want to work towards fixing this.
> 
> ...


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I'm kind of inclined to go with the most likely explanation for these things.

He's acting like he doesn't love you. Therefore he probably doesn't love you. 

I can't really see there's anything to save here. Unless there's a lot you're not saying, and by the length of your posts I suspect not. 

I wouldn't be wasting my time if I were you to be honest.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> My situation is a bit different. My husband has a low T count and ED for around 10 years. There hasn't been a lot of passion or intercourse in the bedroom because of that. He is affectionate during the day with kisses hugs and I love you's, I keep busy at night with our children and when I did get to bed he was asleep. He told me he loved and was attracted to me but didn't have the desire to be more intimate. I got a bit resentful over the years and thought if he wasn't interested then I wasn't going to always be the one to initiate something. That hurt but I was happy in our marriage otherwise. He has gone to a few Doctors.
> 
> Now that the kids are older and didn't need me I started craving attention from my husband. I told him that and he said he couldn't complete the act. I said I just want to cuddle with him. That night I we have a wonderful night of cuddling, passionate kissing, oral sex (he still can't get an erection when I give him a BJ) and just laying in each others arms without clothes. He started crying and confessed he had avoided any intimacy with me because it's so frustrating for him because he can't have intercourse. He has become depressed because of it. My resentment turned into compassion for him and we both vowed to get together nightly.
> 
> Ever since that night I have more had more desire than ever to be with him. Most nights we just cuddle and kiss with our clothes on and don't do a lot of touching (his preference) It would be my dream to do what we did that first night every night or he takes me in his arms takes off my clothes and kisses me passionately. I love when he touches me. He just doesn't have the desire. This does make me feel rejected at times but he reminds me that it isn't me, it's him and he loves me. He has another appointment with an Urologist next month.


Hey Hon, you should start your own thread so your post doesn't get lost in this poster's thread.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Please excuse my long absence, I had computer troubles and felt so lost without being able to easily get on the internet as well as post here! Thank you for all of the replies.



MEM11363 said:


> Adeline,
> I read your other thread.
> 
> Does his occupation preclude divorce?
> ...


No, his job does not preclude divorce. Many of his male coworkers are divorced. Before we were married and our relationship was long distance we would do something sexual every day we were together on our visits. Once we got married and lived together is when sex went to about once a week. He worked long hours during the work week and was always very tired and in bed crazy early, while I was a night owl. Sex happened mostly on the weekends. It's not really unusual to me given the circumstances that sex happened about once a week. No, we've pretty much never denied the other of sex. He had always been turned on when I approached him for sex, regardless of frequency. And I always obliged him in one way or another when he wanted it and I wasn't in the mood. Rejection was never an issue. Though I would have to say I initiated more than he did. 

As far as an affair, I have looked into it some but haven't gone to great lengths. Check his cell phone, email etc and so far everything comes out clean. I'm not sure how much he drinks when he is out of town for work, but when he's home it's just some beers when he's watching a game. Definitely not daily.





Lyris said:


> I'm kind of inclined to go with the most likely explanation for these things.
> 
> He's acting like he doesn't love you. Therefore he probably doesn't love you.
> 
> ...


He definitely didn't love me at one time. But I guess maybe something I'm not saying (or maybe not enough, I know I've said it some) is things are somewhat different now. The things he chooses to be upset about are still strange and he's still nasty, but he hasn't implemented the silent treatment like before for a few months and voices his love for me more. He has wanted me to attend some work trips with him and we have been going to marriage counseling. There are some positive differences in him, it's just the lows are still pretty low.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Adeline-

I think you can turn this around... I know how frustrated I am from the lack of sex... I do and say mean things to my wife that I don't really mean... Lack of sex does crazy things to a man. We don't want to complain about sex though..I love my wife with or without sex. I never wanted to tell anybody that my wife doesn't want sex with me... If we D, I would never say it was because we never had sex. So I just accepted it.....

I later, after 17 years, changed that but it has been a crazy few years. I think you will do better than me.

Initiate lots of affection and sex with your hubby 
..

I feel the love in your posts. 


Let your husband read your post...

if my wife were to wake up and say what you say, I would be one happy man... I wouldn't believe her at first. She would have to do some convincing.... I do know I would be so much sweeter to my wife though..

You can do this....


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I agree with the advice to put the sex back in the marriage while you work on the other issues. After a ten year run in which my marriage and sex life sucked, I did just that. I had grossly underestimated what lack of sexual intimacy could do to a man in a marriage--even a marriage full of baggage and resentment and emotional mistrust. Once I realized that lack of sex was only compounding the problems, and that my husband was suffering beyond what I'd ever wish for him I swallowed my pride and went straight to him for a talk. That was one year ago yesterday and my marriage is now better than it has ever been. We've successfully worked on the issues that had eroded our intimacy and are beginning to fully trust in our new dynamic. We are both happy with ourselves and each other for the first time in a long time. 

If you have the desire, don't keep it inside. Offer it to your husband with the intent of it being part of the solution.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Agreed. It's this notion that I had in mind when making this post, sex just seems like the easiest thing to solve right now... and I am now feeling that I am ready and willing to pursue that with him. That's kind of a big step in my thinking! Affection though just seems harder. I did initiate hugs when we parted ways the other week, and to my surprise he kissed me. Briefly, but still. As far as sex, though I am willing, I really REALLY want HIM to come on to ME, instead of the other way around... I just don't know if that would happen anytime soon. It would be so much easier that way though. I'm not sure how I can help create that, though. It's funny... I had a dream the other week that we did have sex, and that he came into my room while I was getting dressed and it was so realistic and awesome that when I woke up I was actually disappointed that it didn't really occur. I really thought it was real. Boo.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Adeline said:


> Agreed. It's this notion that I had in mind when making this post, sex just seems like the easiest thing to solve right now... and I am now feeling that I am ready and willing to pursue that with him. That's kind of a big step in my thinking! Affection though just seems harder. I did initiate hugs when we parted ways the other week, and to my surprise he kissed me. Briefly, but still. As far as sex, though I am willing, I really REALLY want HIM to come on to ME, instead of the other way around... I just don't know if that would happen anytime soon. It would be so much easier that way though. I'm not sure how I can help create that, though. It's funny... I had a dream the other week that we did have sex, and that he came into my room while I was getting dressed and it was so realistic and awesome that when I woke up I was actually disappointed that it didn't really occur. I really thought it was real. Boo.


Be patient, Adeline. I don't know what your marital issues are, but it might take him awhile to feel confident enough to initiate, especially if there was a period when he did and it was consistently met with rejection. It took many months of me proving that I was available sexually and emotionally for my husband to begin to be able to take a risk and initiate when it wasn't absolutely clear that I'd respond positively. 

Can you talk to him about this? Does he want to have sex? Will he accept if you initiate? If so, then go ahead and take on the responsibility to be the initiator. Do it with an open heart and make sure you ferret out and dispel any resentment you feel about him not initiating. Seek out IC if you need help (like I did.) One person CAN make a huge difference in a broken dynamic. You can't make him to anything he's not ready to do, but if you can do it then it might lead to very good things for you both. And it might make him more willing to take a look at himself if you start by making changes without asking or demanding anything from him. It takes strength and generosity, but consistency and a positive focus on outcome goes a long way towards making it easier.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Agree with gettingit

On occasion, I read stories like yours and they have happy endings. You have to be the one to make the change... Getting it said it all... One person can make a difference. Be consistent... He will respond the way you want... If affection is awkward, just go for the sex first... Affection will come...


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Great Thread. My wife and I have been up and down over the years. We are trying to reconcile our marriage too. We had great sex in Dec/Jan. Decent in Feb and 2 times only in March.
Her gyno put her on the pill for heavy flow and pain during her cycle in Feb. It's worked but it killed her sex drive (I think). 
I think taking the lead, or being there in the present takes time to build again. Trust, intimacy, love, taking the lead or feeling the rush takes time to rebuild. We lived like room mates for a few years too. That doesn't work. 

Can I ask....how much time should it take? Will it come back? How long??


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

GettingIt said:


> Be patient, Adeline. I don't know what your marital issues are, but it might take him awhile to feel confident enough to initiate, especially if there was a period when he did and it was consistently met with rejection.


No, rejection was never an issue with sex on either of our parts. As stated in the OP, being sexless is just a consequential side effect of our other issues. In some ways that makes it more complicated to pursue.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

When I sit and think about how sex was initiated by either of us, it makes me even more apprehensive about how it could be initiated now... I always knew he wanted sex when we'd go to bed and he'd turn to me to say goodnight but instead of a quick peck on the lips he'd linger as he'd kiss me... and I knew he wanted it. I always initiated by pretending I had to go to the bathroom and coming back out 5 minutes later wearing some lingerie get up... and then I'd basically just present myself and he'd get up and come towards me and take me right there. So... neither of those scenarios would really work now... we don't sleep in the same bed, so he doesn't have his normal opportunity... and I don't think I'd feel comfortable at this point running out in a skimpy outfit when we clearly don't even feel comfortable enough to hold hands... haha. Realizing this it now even feels more impossible. It's why I am just hoping there is some way I could induce him coming on to me...


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Text him...Say "honey, sweety baby... I miss you. Meet me in our bed at 8pm. Oh... and be naked"

My wife after 22 years, has never cared about foreplay... Tbh, I don't believe either one of know how to seduce each other. My wife does the same as you. Occasionally she comes out of the bathroom in wearing one of my button up shirts.... That's all it takes for me....


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I used to have sex on the mind all day every day. The urge to cheat was rather strong but I never did. After 3+ years of fighting the urge, it has died down and now I do not care most of the time. She mentioned it the other day and I found that I could not care less. She may as well have been talking about the quantic formula. Oh….. next topic. Even at night when I am wound up from work, I try to have a solo session and find that it takes some will power on my part to get it up and finish. I hope that you do not go down the same road as I have.


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## 1971 (Mar 7, 2013)

Adeline

I completely understand the need and desire to have sex, my husband and I have many problems too.

When I first started reading this thread I thought just go to him initiate sex but then I went back and read a few ( not all ) of your other threads. Why are you still living with him ? I too can get cranky and even bad tempered at times but why do you listen to him. Stand up for yourself don't let him speak to you like that, walk away and never come back.

I'm sorry to say I could never have sex with someone that spoke to me like that. You are better than that, if you haven't already seek IC.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

1971 said:


> Adeline
> 
> I completely understand the need and desire to have sex, my husband and I have many problems too.
> 
> ...


Yeah, that really is my sentiments exactly. It is why being sexless is a secondary effect, his behavior is the main issue. It's what made having sex so "easy" to stop. Funny thing is though that it stopped him as well, he's never come on to me and had me reject him during this year and a half. He's never tried. And even now, with my feelings for him softening and having a desire to be with him, it's still difficult to think of having sex with him and being affectionate. And he certainly hasn't taken the reins. It's a tough spot to be in, that's for sure


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I have read some of your other threads as well... I should have done that first... 

What does your husband want you to do to be more appreciative of how hard he works?

Does he ever tell you?

Does he want more sex and just doesn't say so and he wants you to read his mind?

Is his job stressful and he takes it out on you?


I would tell you now is use you degree somehow, even if it takes you away from from him... He travels for his career and he has become successful... Maybe it's time that you put YOUR career first...If he leaves, you will have to fend for yourself...

expect the best and prepare for the worst.

I am all for staying at all cost...but at some point, you gottavtake care of yourself and build a future just in case you do divorce...


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I haven't read your other threads. But if your husband is not initiating sex and you are not, then it won't happen.

Other posters have suggested that your H is jerk and treats you poorly. There is not much to go by on this thread. However, if you have sex and make a connection, wouldn't it be a way to begin talking about your marriage. If a couple are having good sex, they may wish to do something nice for their partner.

Do you sleep in the same bed?

One problem now if you come on to him and get shot down, that will hurt and send you a step closer to divorce. But he may be shocked if you initiate, he may not be able to respond positively, especially if he harbors resentment for the celibacy.

You don't even know if he is resentful. He may have been expending an enormous amount of his emotional energy killing off his desire for you.

Do you want him to make love to you tenderly? You hint that you might perhaps like to express the feeling "I am your female, take me hard." Do you need both of these? And do you hope that you can discuss your relationship as equals?

Not knowing your husbands personality and character, it is hard to judge the right move. If you had good rough sex, would it lead him seeing more of his role in the dysfunction of your relationship? Couldn't it go either way? He might feel empowered and contemptuous if you "surrender".


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Lots of good ideas here. But why do spouses lose interest in sex? I'm trying to meet her emotional needs. I think I'm hitting most if not all of them. We are in R now for four months now. But it's slow going. All one can do is try and try again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Trickster said:


> I have read some of your other threads as well... I should have done that first...
> 
> What does your husband want you to do to be more appreciative of how hard he works?
> 
> ...


no, all of his reasonings for anything are always pretty vague and abstract, making it incredibly frustrating to know what exactly we/I am supposed to work on. I feel like we're doing a lot of running, but with no destination...

That's an interesting thought about the sex, that would be crazy if that is what caused all of this. You never know, it could be. But it's not like he's asked for it and been rejected... and I regularly initiated... so I don't know. It's becoming more and more of a big deal for me, this sexlessness, that I just feel it bubbling up and becoming something I will need to talk to him about more in depth. More than just little mentions here and there.

Yes, his job is stressful. But he does enjoy it, and it is what he wants to do. So it's not like he feels "stuck" in a job he hates. But, yes it definitely is stressful from time to time and that does factor in, I just wonder how much weight I should let that have, ya know? Could the simplicity of having a high stress, enjoyable job, make you an assh*le 95% of the time? I feel no. In bad moods more than the average person? That I can understand. But not like this. But it could be part of the puzzle. But theres got to be something else supplementing it.





LongWalk said:


> I haven't read your other threads. But if your husband is not initiating sex and you are not, then it won't happen.
> 
> Other posters have suggested that your H is jerk and treats you poorly. There is not much to go by on this thread. However, if you have sex and make a connection, wouldn't it be a way to begin talking about your marriage. If a couple are having good sex, they may wish to do something nice for their partner.
> 
> ...


 Interesting thoughts! I have no idea haha, anyone else chime in with knowledge on that view of rough sex? That it could either perpetuate his negative authority, or make him more willing to view his part in this mess? I never thought of that angle before.

Yes, the easy connection of sex is another thing that is fueling my desire for sex with him... to give us SOMETHING that makes us feel like a married couple. We do not sleep in the same bed. Haven't for over a year. It's crazy.

That would be such a strange, probably devastating, experience if he did reject me coming on to him... a part of me has this theory that he wouldn't, but when I really think about it he very well could. Scary.


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