# Divorced and Pregnant... Should I have XH in the delivery room?



## LostJB

Well, its been official for 2 weeks. Divorced. I'm also moving quite a long with my pregnancy (32 weeks). After all the drama in the last 6 months, I'm trying very hard to move forward with my life. Kids always complicate things. XH has moved on twice already, and seems to be baffled by my continued sadness over the situation. (10 year relationship is easy for him to leave behind)

He acts as thought he's entitled to make choices with this baby. I'm not saying he won't be involved at all. I want my kids to have a daddy. I'm just giving myself the "bubble wrap" treatment, trying to allow myself the closure I need to be happy someday AND still have him in my life in a father to my kids way.

He's been asking about being in the delivery room when the baby is born. I'm just not sure how I feel about it. I'm trying to learn to make decisions that are best for me, but its really hard to not see how it would be important to have him bond witht he baby in such a way. I don't want any undue stress, and really want to have a happy memory to look back on. Not one tainted with sadness over a lost life.

Am I just being selfish? OR Does anyone see how this might be for the best?


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## nice777guy

Do you think that he will be involved as a Father?

From a Man's perspective, I can see why he would want to be there. And as the Father of your child, I would think you might want to encourage that type of involvement.

BUT - I'm not the one who'll be spreading my legs - putting my feet in the stirrups - and giving birth! Its your decision, but I think he's doing the right thing by asking to be there when his child is born.


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## Scannerguard

Lost,

Hmmm. . .that's a tough one. Very tough one and I'm sorry for your pain.

I think he should respect what's best for your health, physical and emotional. Yeah, it's about the baby, but I could see how it could be too emotional for you if he was there and like NiceGuy said, it's your body going through hell. I hated seeing my ex-wife in that much pain all 3 times and I was married to her at the time. My heart just went out to her.

I would say don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable. 

Your wounds are too fresh and you have a right to privacy.


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## LostJB

Thanks for your responses. I really appreciate hearing from some men on this. I do think that he will be involved with the new baby. Our Parenting plan lists out specifics or the newborn visitation in addtion to the current plan for our son (3). My first child was born a c-section, and as much as I would love to be able to give natrual birth a try, the logistics and local hospital make it more difficult. 

I think it would be easier to have XH in the room given a c-section situation. I feel like a lot o the decision for me is emotional (who would have thought from a pregnant laday?). I feel like he was the one who gave up our marriage for an affair while we were actively trying to get pregnant, and never tried to fix things. So part of me (the stubborn part), feels like he doesn't deserve to be a part of this. He hasn't been around for the baby to hear his voice. He missed the ultrasound, even though I invited him. 

I guess if his argument was more about wanting to be a part of it all, and less about what he deserves as the "father", I would be less combatent. How he has treated me and this baby from the start doesn't gain points with me on the "deserves" argument.


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## nice777guy

LostJB said:


> He hasn't been around for the baby to hear his voice. He missed the ultrasound, even though I invited him.
> 
> I guess if his argument was more about wanting to be a part of it all, and less about what he deserves as the "father", I would be less combatent. How he has treated me and this baby from the start doesn't gain points with me on the "deserves" argument.


Does he understand that when he actually becomes a father, its a lot less about his "rights" and what he "deserves" and much more about his "responsibilities?" 

Hard to make a case for him based on your last post. I'd say let him wait in the hall...


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## golfergirl

LostJB said:


> Thanks for your responses. I really appreciate hearing from some men on this. I do think that he will be involved with the new baby. Our Parenting plan lists out specifics or the newborn visitation in addtion to the current plan for our son (3). My first child was born a c-section, and as much as I would love to be able to give natrual birth a try, the logistics and local hospital make it more difficult.
> 
> I think it would be easier to have XH in the room given a c-section situation. I feel like a lot o the decision for me is emotional (who would have thought from a pregnant laday?). I feel like he was the one who gave up our marriage for an affair while we were actively trying to get pregnant, and never tried to fix things. So part of me (the stubborn part), feels like he doesn't deserve to be a part of this. He hasn't been around for the baby to hear his voice. He missed the ultrasound, even though I invited him.
> 
> I guess if his argument was more about wanting to be a part of it all, and less about what he deserves as the "father", I would be less combatent. How he has treated me and this baby from the start doesn't gain points with me on the "deserves" argument.


Is this a planned C-section? Only having given birth naturally (for lack of better word), having someone there who I wasn't intimate with anymore and that I no longer trusted would be tough. It is so vulnerable being spread eagle and naked and hurting. I think he gave up that right. By all means wait in waiting room or lobby, but in actual delivery? I'd take my mom or sister or dear friend. Not even about punishing him. It's a very vulnerable time and I couldn't open myself up to someone who betrayed me like that again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl

golfergirl said:


> Is this a planned C-section? Only having given birth naturally (for lack of better word), having someone there who I wasn't intimate with anymore and that I no longer trusted would be tough. It is so vulnerable being spread eagle and naked and hurting. I think he gave up that right. By all means wait in waiting room or lobby, but in actual delivery? I'd take my mom or sister or dear friend. Not even about punishing him. It's a very vulnerable time and I couldn't open myself up to someone who betrayed me like that again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


PS. Baby won't notice who's there or not either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Scannerguard

You know, I know I sound like a "guy's guy" with my position on this. . .but I am not sure what all the hub-bub is about having the father there during delivery.

Now, I say that knowing, that seeing my kids born is one of THE most memorable experiences I have ever had. HANDS DOWN. I remember each of them (first one fussed, second one whimpered, third one kicked and screamed).

But war is memorable too. . .I wouldn't necessarily recommend it.

I don't know. . .all this social pressure to put the man in there. . .he's not a good dad if he doesn't. . .maybe he feels pressured and would be relieved if you relieved him. Yes, constant updates in the waiting room. . .I don't know. . .I'm conflicted.

I remember our marriage was on the rocks during the last delivery. . .there was no excitement about the birth. There was a surreal moment of sadness. . .maybe it was intrusive I was there. . .I felt intrusive. Maybe, since it was a surprise pregnancy, a moment she needed to face the moment alone.

The pressure is so enormous though, fathers feel like they are being bad if they are not there.

If not, the father will be grilled, esp. by women (nurses especially), as to why he's not.

Just sayin'. . .not advising necessarily. . .


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## nice777guy

golfergirl said:


> PS. Baby won't notice who's there or not either.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No - but if the parents need ammunition against each other 10 years later, the "baby" may very well hear about who was or wasn't there and a one-sided story of "why"...

(no offense to OP...nothing personal to you...)


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## golfergirl

nice777guy said:


> No - but if the parents need ammunition against each other 10 years later, the "baby" may very well hear about who was or wasn't there and a one-sided story of "why"...
> 
> (no offense to OP...nothing personal to you...)


In OP's case, the more interesting story would be leaving the marriage while wife was pregnant with desired and planned pregnancy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash

Yeah, what the HECK happened? Less than a year ago you were getting pregnant? What changed? :wtf: :scratchhead: 

Damn, I don't even want to think about how I'd feel.


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## LostJB

niceguy - Your post about responibilites hits the nail on the head. Unfortuneatley this failure to take responsibility is why we ended up in divorce in the first place. I could recap the whole mess of a situation of my XH's affair, but that is in the past. I know that its impossible for me not have it affect me or my decisions. I also believe that part of my failure at my marriage was that I lost track of the importance of the husband/wife relationship in a family. It was very easy to me to fall into being "Mom" and putting my son first. 

Its easy for me to make selfish decisions right now, but I'm afraid of failing at being a Mom because of it. I worry most about my kids growing up happy and feeling secure. 

GG- I'm leaning towards the planned c-section. I'm high risk for natural birth, and my hospital is short of doctors so are unable to accomidate. I would have to drive 65 miles to get to a hospital where its an option. Having had a c-section before, I know its not a very long procedure. I'm not as exposed physically. It would be more of an emotional vulnerability. I'm still so very hurt at what has occured and I cry at any conversation i have with him concerning the past 6 mos. Its more important to me to protect myself mentally then physically right now.

Scannerg- I'm pretty sure that its hard for any man to step into a pregnant womans head, but there is a sort of intimacy for a woman when they have a baby. I had my first child in a University hospital with 10 medical personnel present. Yet it was the most intimate moment for me and my XH at the time. I feel that this time it would be a lie. I feel that stepping in and cutting the cord, possibly being the first one to hold her, would be so dishonest to how he threw this whole family away. This baby has been my saving grace for the last 6 mos, my light. But saying this, I know my XH loves his son, and don't want to rob my new child of having a relationship that close with her daddy. He is the one pushing to be there, so I don't think hes looking for an out. In fact, I'm pretty sure it would turn into another thing for him hold against me. Another thing that I wasn't willing to compromise on. Its very easy for him to point the finger and blame me for the divorce, even thought my options were that or being a doormat.


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## LostJB

Freak On a Leash said:


> Yeah, what the HECK happened? Less than a year ago you were getting pregnant? What changed? :wtf: :scratchhead:
> 
> Damn, I don't even want to think about how I'd feel.


Yes. I guess I'll give a small recap. In February we started trying to get pregnant and suceeded in May. I found out in June that he had been having an affair since about MidMay. I told him that he needed to stop contact with the girl and we could try to work on whatever had brought him to this. He refused saying that he'd "found someone that really made him happy". Didn't love me anymore, blah blah. I stayed in the house and tried to work on things for 6 weeks, but he continued to lie and see the OW. I finally had to leave, I couldn't take it anymore. I might have been able to stick it out longer if I hadn't been pregnant, but the emotions and hurt were just too much to bare. I needed to remove myself and our son from such an unhappy/unhealthy situation. Long story short. He never once changed anything or asked me to come back. Now he's with girl #2.


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## that_girl

My first daughter's father and I were broken up when she was born (through the whole pregnancy, actually) and he was there, by my side, in the delivery room...very supportive. I wasn't sure I wanted him in there either, but at the time of labor, it felt right.

I say, try it out. If you feel he's stressing you out or not being supportive, kick him out until the baby is born, then he can come back in.

That's what happens with divorce...he doesn't get privileges of being on the "inside" anymore.


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## Freak On a Leash

What a turd! I wouldn't let him within 100 feet of the delivery room!  The only way he'd have anything to do with me or with that baby is through an attorney. He got you pregnant while screwing around with another woman? :wtf: 

IMO, he's the ultimate when it comes to slimebags and would be treated as such. The only thing he "deserves" is to have his balls cut off and stuffed down his miserable throat so he can choke. 

:tool: :2gunsfiring_v1: :BoomSmilie_anim:


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## LostJB

Freak - I agree with you on some level, but I am also trying hard to move on from this. If I keep making decisions based on how I was treated then I'll never fully move on. I don't want that kind of hostile environment for my kids. I know that what is best for them is have both a mom and a dad that love and support them. 

I'm working very hard to see the grey where the black and white meet.


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## golfergirl

LostJB said:


> Freak - I agree with you on some level, but I am also trying hard to move on from this. If I keep making decisions based on how I was treated then I'll never fully move on. I don't want that kind of hostile environment for my kids. I know that what is best for them is have both a mom and a dad that love and support them.
> 
> I'm working very hard to see the grey where the black and white meet.



Could you be honest with him? That it's very vulnerable time for you and you're stuggling? Maybe presented like that he'd have a compromise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostJB

GG- I have been honest with him. However my XH doesn't have a very large capacity for empathy (my counselors words). He really thinks that all of this just happened to us, and doesn't understand how I could still be dealing with the hurt he caused. He says things like "its been 6mos, you have to stablize sometime". He thinks all of my actions come from bitterness and a desire to see him unhappy. A compromise in his eyes is me giving in to what he wants.


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## Limping

I really was not going to respond to this message, but it is hitting to close to home. 

He needs to get over his bad self.

If it makes him so uncomfortable that he feels he can criticize you than it is probably time for him to be protected from this harm and go away.

It is what is best for him after all.

Bill


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## golfergirl

LostJB said:


> GG- I have been honest with him. However my XH doesn't have a very large capacity for empathy (my counselors words). He really thinks that all of this just happened to us, and doesn't understand how I could still be dealing with the hurt he caused. He says things like "its been 6mos, you have to stablize sometime". He thinks all of my actions come from bitterness and a desire to see him unhappy. A compromise in his eyes is me giving in to what he wants.


Then I would make best decision for YOU. He can always bond half an hour later with baby. He made the choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess

I am so sorry you're going through this! I'm pregnant now and I just couldn't fathom what you're feeling! 

I say if it makes you uncomfortable, then don't have him there. Who cares if he throws it in your face later - it's not anywhere near as bad as what he did to you!

Now I do want to give him credit also - I am glad ands relieved he does want to be in his child's life... Surely that is small comfort, but reassuring in that your babies will still have a daddy.

My heart is just aching for you... I can't believe how calm and collected your posts seem... I'd be all over the place!

Wishing you the best, sweetie. *hugs*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OOE

I'm a man and was in the delivery room for both of my sons' births. From my perspective:

I was in the delivery room first and foremost to support my (then) wife.

Second, it brought me more into the process - something that we men miss out on.

I'm guessing you don't need or want his support during delivery. That means it's really about what he'll get out of it. Feeling how I do about my WXW, I'd make him wait in the hall. 

He'll still be the child's father, and nothing can take that away. However, this will be the first of many life experiences he'll miss out on (every other birthday, Christmas, etc.). He made the choice.


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## Mindful Coach

OOE brings up a great point. You need someone in the delivery room as YOUR support person, and support is something he hasn't given you. He can come in after the baby is born to have his Daddy time, but have someone else in there for YOU, your mom, sister, best friend, someone that you know is supportive of you and your needs.


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## Entropy3000

Mindful Coach said:


> OOE brings up a great point. You need someone in the delivery room as YOUR support person, and support is something he hasn't given you. He can come in after the baby is born to have his Daddy time, but have someone else in there for YOU, your mom, sister, best friend, someone that you know is supportive of you and your needs.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## LostJB

Ok, so its been a while since I posted this and have been doing some serious soul searching. New Years and all that, turning over a new leaf. I've been doing everything I've been told to "move on", but acting so cold is just not making me happy. I guess I have too much of a humaniatarian side to me (maybe a downfall). I just seem more unhappy being so angry about the situation. I feel like I need to let go. It would be different if I could just walk away and never see him again, but I don't think I'll ever have that option.

So, I did ask XH to have coffee last week. We sat down and tried to talk about other things going on in our lives. I gave him some ground rules about what we can talk about and what we can't. I don't want to argue. I just want to begin working towards a helthy relationship for our kids to be around. 

Given that it is a c-section I'm not really in need of so much support for the birth of this baby. I think I might be ok with it now. We'll see how things are when it actually happens though. He has expressed the desire to "be there for me" in the hospital after the birth, which seems good. I have one ground rule for that. NO girlfriend is going to be allowed to come to the hospital to see our baby. 

I think he still is extremely dense about some of this whole thing. When I told him that I wass going to try to be nicer and more open about our new relationship, he asked his that meant I was going to be nice and friendly to his gf now... yeah. um small steps. This isn't the girl that he cheated on me with, but I still have a huge problem seeing anyone else in that role with him. She's living in my house and playing mommy when I'm not around, so no I am not welcoming her into my life in anyway. 

I think he has some sort of delusion that we all will be like some demented family int he long run.... ugh


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## Freak On a Leash

LostJB said:


> GG- I have been honest with him. However my XH doesn't have a very large capacity for empathy (my counselors words). He really thinks that all of this just happened to us, and doesn't understand how I could still be dealing with the hurt he caused. He says things like "its been 6mos, you have to stablize sometime". He thinks all of my actions come from bitterness and a desire to see him unhappy. A compromise in his eyes is me giving in to what he wants.


This guy is a total a hole. I wouldn't want my kids exposed to the likes of him. 

There's "moving on" and being stepped on. I think he's looking to wipe his feet all over you. Haven't you been through enough? It's time you look out for Number 1...YOU. What you are going through is about as personal as it gets and YOU have the right to do what makes you comfortable. NOW he wants to subject you to the company of his newest bimbo? HOW many does this make since he got you pregnant? :wtf: What a complete and utter turd! :slap:

Tell him to take a long walk off a short pier and do what's best for you and your kids. Your kids don't need a cheating, insensitive jerk in their lives any more than you do.

BTW, he KNOWS he's in the wrong but by having you "accept" him and whatever girl is the flavor of the month into you and your kids life he can rationalize that what he's done isn't "so bad". Don't give him that satisfaction. Let him live with the consequences of his actions.


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## calif_hope

A male perspective......

First, blessings on you and your unborn child!

Having the father in the room is a recent thing....generations of children were born with the fathers pacing in the waiting room and I would have to say (since my dad was a waiting room dad) if sitting on the other side of the door is going to interfere with your EX bonding with his child....then I would have to say he is a poor excuse of a man and a father.

My nieces child was born with her husband thousand miles away in Iraq (we tried a SKYPE hook-up but it didn’t work); he didn’t hold his son until he was a bit over seven months old…….this was four years ago and this young Marine is a wonderful dad, a father any mother would want for her child. 

The birthing is an intimate moment for you and the birthday of your child, the men are just spectators, only allowed to work the scissors, an act that a kindergarten student could do… 

You have too much to focus on, you don’t need the distraction, you certainly don’t need the aditional stress…this is about you…your baby needs his/her mommy at her focused best and anything that distracts from this should not be allowed. Yes, it may be considered selfish, but that’s OK….your being selfish for the baby’s sake.

I hope you have people in your life you can ask to support you in the delivery room.....people who you are comfortable with....only people who you are comfortable with without qualifications and hesitations and your ex-husband does not qualify.

Wish you the best!


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## Set me FREE

If he is going to upset you..then no. He can have his time later on. My stbxh thought the entire process was about him..to the point where he held my first born son for 45 minutes before I got a chance to hold him...he also doesn't understand why I asked for the divorce when he was perfectly content with me AND OW in his life. 

I would make back up plans for support...the GF might throw a last minute fit and let her insecurities bubble to the surface and he may decide to bond later in an environment the GF can handle better than you and him experiencing the emotions that go along with delivering baby with out her there to monitor


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