# GROW UP and stop projecting!!!



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I'm going to keep this brief. But I am SO frustrated with H, which is less intense than furious, which I was yesterday. 

2 pm: lunch with my parents. His first time seeing them after our 6-month separation and reconciliation. He wants to "clear up some issues" with them. Tells them he doesn't feel welcome in their home because in the past, when he and I were arguing in their home, he felt like nobody supported him. Conversation is a bit uncomfortable, but ends pretty well. He needed to get things off his chest, needed to be heard and respected, it happened. Good.

2 hours later: Very calmly, I tell him that some of the things he said about me and to me during said lunch (including comparing me to a 7-year-old), "made a part of me feel unaccepted" by him, "because I'm doing my best to love and accept" him<--this is language we learned in MC: figure out what's bothering you, and speak calmly for the part of you that's mad/hurt/whatever, without letting it overwhelm you and attack your partner.

Things go downhill. He "CANNOT" see WHY or HOW I would feel that way. I tried to clarify, kept talking.
He snaps: "I'M SICK OF TALKING TO A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD."

This pi$$es me off IMMENSELY, for many reasons. MANY.

Things didn't improve much, but in a nutshell here's how I ended the conversation:

"In your words, 'maturity' means 'controlling your feelings and stuffing them in your pocket.' I think maturity is knowing what your feelings are, calmly speaking for them, and being able to see someone else's point of view. I also think name-calling is immature."
This will not be brought up again before our next MC appointment in a couple weeks.

But I AM LIVID WITH FRUSTRATION. I'm sick and tired of being compared to a small child. I've told him this, and he continues to do it. I'll admit that I am intense and high energy, and I can see how that can overwhelm him. But it isn't too much to ask for him to see how HIS intensity/word choice can offend me. It's also not unreasonable to want to be seen and accepted for who I am.

HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH SOMEONE PROJECTING AND INSULTING AND ATTACKING???


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Pack up and leave! That's what I did back in 2006 with my 6 month old daughter!!! The separation was temporary, but *got his attention!* He's been a different man ever since! *He knows I won't put up with BS of any sort!*


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Projecting, insulting and attacking sounds like a child to me. A 7 yr old to be exact!  Sorry for your frustration, It needs to be brought up in counseling about his lack of empathy and inability to see anothers point of view. Funny to me, how the very thing he accuses you of is the very same way he seems to be acting!


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I already did. For 6 months. I agreed to come back, if he agreed to commit to marriage counseling with me. We are in counseling now.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

That is down right degrading. Apparently your husband's ego is getting in the way of a healthy relationship. You and your spouse in general should be able to communicate without judgment.(all couples) 

I fully see where your so angry. I'd be to. The way he's talking to you is very disrespectful. I doubt he'll ever change, most people will not unless they see themselves as the issue. I see why you separated. Your husband is acting very immature in the marriage. You should be able to communicate without blame shifting.

Good luck with whatever happens down the road. I'd be mad as heck if my hubby spoke to me that way. I'm an adult and I do expect to be treated as one. I do hope MC works in your favor. Maybe he'll see what's wrong and fixes it.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I already did. For 6 months. I agreed to come back, if he agreed to commit to marriage counseling with me. We are in counseling now.


How long have you all been in MC? Perhaps give it a little more time, then if things haven't changed and he still doesn't get it, then you might want to consider just ending it.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Jamison said:


> Projecting, insulting and attacking sounds like a child to me. A 7 yr old to be exact!  Sorry for your frustration, It needs to be brought up in counseling about his lack of empathy and inability to see anothers point of view. Funny to me, how is excuses you of the very way he seems to be acting!


EXACTLY. 

This is why I'm so frustrated. And yes, it will be brought up in counseling, and it already has, I guess it's a process. His intolerance of feelings is one of the main topics of every counseling session.

I'm just trying to figure out how to keep calm and keep my head straight in the meantime..


----------



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Credam,
I am terribly sorry to hear that you are still in this predicament. 
As I have thought from the very beginning, what your husband needs is a heart change. To say those things says a ton about his perception of you. There is no acceptance in his actions or words, and, unfortunately, love is nothing without acceptance. 

You guys have done so much counseling to only have been with each other for a relatively short amount of time. There is definitely a maturity gap for him that will not be bridged in the short term. You need to come to terms with that. I'm sorry.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Jamison said:


> How long have you all been in MC? Perhaps give it a little more time, then if things haven't changed and he still doesn't get it, then you might want to consider just ending it.


Not long enough.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

credamdóchasgra said:


> "In your words, 'maturity' means 'controlling your feelings and stuffing them in your pocket.' I think maturity is knowing what your feelings are, calmly speaking for them, and being able to see someone else's point of view. I also think name-calling is immature."


I agree. 

My STBEH wanted to rug sweep because he could not stand facing who he had become, that being a liar, a cheat and a thief who stole money from the marital assets to finance his affair with the very spoiled lazy, demanding OW. 

My STBEH continued to name call, even after the MC told him it was disrespectful. He also accused me of cheating, hacking into his computer, and hiding money. All lies and all things he and his OW did to their respective spouses.

It is projecting and it is immature.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Okay, someone can fuss at me all they want, but here's my two cents.

What in the heck is the big deal about your husband saying he feels like he's talking to a 7-year old?

I told my husband he was acting like a child this weekend and he said I was a b*tch.

So what.

People get angry, mad and say things they shouldn't - but they are just words. 

It sounds to me like you think everything he says is disrespectful--that's why he's always on the defensive--anything he does is wrong and nothing is right because the line in the sand keeps moving.

I understand respect and feeling worthy and all the mumbo-jumbo that counselors tell us we should feel - been there, done that.

But aren't we being a little too literal and a little too sensitive? Come on, life is too short to spend it analyzing everything someone says so you can pick apart how it makes you feel everytime they open their mouth.

Everyone is immature at one time or another--we're human and that's just the reality of who we are.

Telling someone they are acting like a 7-year old is not name calling. Calling someone a b*tch is name calling. And so what, I live by the old adage - sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me. 

While I'm not saying he's right, you're right, he's wrong, you're wrong--based on several posts I have read on here from you, you appear to be very sensitive and constantly analyzing and picking apart everything your husband does.

In my opinion, he will never-ever meet your standards. It would probably be best if you both move on.

Sorry - just my opinion, you can take it or leave it for what it's worth.


----------



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

I've said this before, and I'm going to ask you again. What is the structure around him like? Does he have others in his life pushing him to become a better man? People that will call you on your BS and put you in your place? Is there any humbleness in his words or his actions? If not, why in the world are you reconciled? 

He needs to grow up, and, unfortunately, that might not be possible with you. He has a choice. He can find another person to emotionally beat up, or he can look inside. He needs to hear the truth, and that can't come from you.

This has been A LONG PROCESS.


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Pack up and leave! That's what I did back in 2006 with my 6 month old daughter!!! The separation was temporary, but *got his attention!* He's been a different man ever since! *He knows I won't put up with BS of any sort!*


Sometines calling a bluff or following through is the best thing. No risk....no reward.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> I've said this before, and I'm going to ask you again. What is the structure around him like? Does he have others in his life pushing him to become a better man? People that will call you on your BS and put you in your place? Is there any humbleness in his words or his actions? If not, why in the world are you reconciled?
> 
> He needs to grow up, and, unfortunately, that might not be possible with you. He has a choice. He can find another person to emotionally beat up, or he can look inside. He needs to hear the truth, and that can't come from you.
> 
> This has been A LONG PROCESS.


D2H, your first reply brought me to hopeless tears, so thank you for following up with these questions.

Our MC is incredibly good at getting through to him. 
He does have some good people surrounding him.
Yes, there has been some humbleness, or I wouldn't have reconciled. We had 3 MC sessions before I agreed to move back in. I know what's real, and it was real. 

There are times when I can speak openly and honestly and it goes well. There has been a change in the overall climate and rhythm of our relationship and dynamic. 

I can honestly say that for the most part, he has been MUCH more supportive, kind, and loving than he was before we separated.
I believe that the family/in-law issue weekend caused stress and brought out the worst in him.

Right before bed last night we talked again, and it was more relaxed. He said he regretted some of what he had said earlier. He admitted that he wasn't in the best frame of mind to listen to me, because it had been a high-pressure weekend. He listened more openly to me. He admitted that he is a "calloused" person, so it makes him insensitive to my feelings.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Okay, someone can fuss at me all they want, but here's my two cents.
> 
> What in the heck is the big deal about your husband saying he feels like he's talking to a 7-year old?
> 
> ...


Girlfriend, I know that.

I've come a long way in reining in my sensitivity and tendency to pick apart every little thing.

That wasn't the point. 
The point was his refusal to see my pov and IMO, his hypocrisy. I can even laugh off the "7-yo" thing if he'd just say "oh, i see." 

I genuinely appreciate your chiming in with a totally different take on this.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

If stress is what triggers him to say you're a 7yr old when something is brought to his attention, then he will need a therapist to show him some ways to cope during stressful trigger filled times. Lashing out because someone said something they didn't like or want to deal with isn't the answer.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Lack of empathy for a persons POV can be a real downer! Everyone wants to feel validated and understood, or at least heard on how they feel on a issue. Hopefully the counselor can help provide him with some ways to show more empathy during certain situations.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Yes. Need more therapy. 

There are times when we can talk about anything, openly and respectfully. MC has helped get us there.

Then there are times like yesterday, when he just can't. And like I said, he was much better when we talked about it right before bed.


----------



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Well Credam,
So, you see change, yet wonder and still freak out when he isn't completely where you think he should be? Understand that this thing called marriage is a journey. Sounds like you both don't accept certain parts of each other and that is a direct reflection of your own fears and insecuities. 

One thing I can say as a man who worked his tail off to become what I needed to be, he is trying. Whether you will accept him for that and be more secure in who you are sounds like a part of your issue. I have walked that path, made myself vulnerable, changed, listened, humbled myself before someone. To not be accepted after that was a devastating blow to me. Something that I am still recovering from. I'm sure he feels that from you. 

If he is showing tenderness and softness to you while he develops and comes out of "boyhood", you could do yourself a favor by relaxing a bit and being comfortable in your identity as a woman.

Some days will be better from others. One day you will have a lot of good days and the bad will be fewer if you stay the course.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Well Credam,
> So, you see change, yet wonder still freak out when he isn't completely where you think he should be? Understand that this thing called marriage is a journey. Sounds like you both don't accept certain parts of each other and that is a direct reflection of your own fears and insecuities.
> 
> One thing I can say as a man who worked his tail off to become what I needed to be, he is trying. Whether you will accept him for that and be more secure in who you are sounds like a part of your issue. I have walked that path, made myself vulnerable, changed, listened, humbled myself before someone. To not be accepted after that was a devastating blow to me. Something that I am still recovering from. I'm sure he feels that from you.
> ...


I get that. 

I am really sorry you had a devastating blow after making such sincere changes. I know how committed you were.

I know how much it hurts not to be accepted after trying so hard--that is exactly what I tried to tell him yesterday.

And I don't want to do that to him. I want us both to accept each other and that we're both doing our best. 

My frustration comes when he pins everything on me and doesn't admit that we're in the same boat.


----------



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> My frustration comes when he pins everything on me and doesn't admit that we're in the same boat.


So, you are frustrated when he is prideful? He is a man. We have flesh. We are prideful. It's the very ability to recognize it later and become teachable that makes a good man.

For your own sanity, recognize why you need to hear him admit it. Is it to validate you? Your validation doesn't come from him. It comes from somewhere else. 

He is a man. We want to lead and admitting that you guys are in the same boat takes away from his ability to lead in his mind.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

OP, you say that your intensity and high energy can be overwhelming. Is this the same behavior that your H likens to a 7 year old? Even though you call it what you do he may recognize it as a tantrum (not saying that it is) hence the 7 year old comparison. 

The salient point is that tantrums are explosive and the people having them generally aren't listening or being reasonable (again, not saying this is you). You also say you were livid which is generally the point just before explosion. Its one thing to be hurt, angry, and upset and another to be livid. Livid usually requires an inner reservoir of simmering anger to be present first. 

I'm just throwing this out here as an alternate view possibly worthy of consideration.


----------



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

And thank you for the sentiments...... I would not trade the last two years for anything in this world. It has made me a much better man and given me the ability to live in peace and secure in who I am. I do love my ex, unfortunately, she needs to learn how to live and that must be done on her own.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

VermisciousKnid said:


> OP, you say that your intensity and high energy can be overwhelming. Is this the same behavior that your H likens to a 7 year old? Even though you call it what you do he may recognize it as a tantrum (not saying that it is) hence the 7 year old comparison.
> 
> The salient point is that tantrums are explosive and the people having them generally aren't listening or being reasonable (again, not saying this is you). You also say you were livid which is generally the point just before explosion. Its one thing to be hurt, angry, and upset and another to be livid. Livid usually requires an inner reservoir of simmering anger to be present first.
> 
> I'm just throwing this out here as an alternate view possibly worthy of consideration.


No, I don't tantrum. I was talking very calmly when he called me a seven-year-old. It was entirely a way for him to shut down the conversation because he felt overwhelmed.

High-energy and intensity in general--I am goofy and silly a lot of the time, especially with him. I work with kids so I can act like a kid. I can be opinionated about things. BTW, everything I just described about myself, are also traits he has.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> So, you are frustrated when he is prideful? He is a man. We have flesh. We are prideful. It's the very ability to recognize it later and become teachable that makes a good man.
> 
> For your own sanity, recognize why you need to hear him admit it. Is it to validate you? Your validation doesn't come from him. It comes from somewhere else.
> 
> He is a man. We want to lead and admitting that you guys are in the same boat takes away from his ability to lead in his mind.


Well, I guess I don't think he's a very good leader when he acts like this. I'd love to let him lead. I'd love to embody that whole Ephesians thing. But I see your point. I definitely see that OFTEN, "less is more." 

Why do I need to hear him admit it? Because I believe that when we are honest about ourselves, it brings us closer to each other.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

credamdóchasgra;1056056 said:


> No, I don't tantrum. I was talking very calmly when he called me a seven-year-old. It was entirely a way for him to shut down the conversation because he felt overwhelmed.
> 
> High-energy and intensity in general--I am goofy and silly a lot of the time, especially with him. I work with kids so I can act like a kid. I can be opinionated about things. BTW, everything I just described about myself, are also traits he has.


You're goofy and silly with him? Like a seven year old? I assume that when you or he have something serious to talk about you are not acting this way. I know that I would feel very disrespected if my W did that to me.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Are either of you doing individual sessions?


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

***LIGHTBULB****

I just remembered something:

IMMEDIATELY before he blurted out that I was a seven-year-old, he acted like one: he'"zipped his lips" like a little kid, all exaggerated, and went "Hmmm mmm hmm!" like "look, I'm dropping it! I'm being QUIIIET!"

I looked at him like "seriously?" and I might've said "oh, that's mature." I honestly don't remember.

But I think he felt his own childishness rising up in him, and threw it right onto me in a split second. 
Relevant to discussion at MC.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Are either of you doing individual sessions?


Hi, Conrad.

No. 

God, this is some kind of icky de ja vu.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

VermisciousKnid said:


> You're goofy and silly with him? Like a seven year old? I assume that when you or he have something serious to talk about you are not acting this way. I know that I would feel very disrespected if my W did that to me.


Um, of course not.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I think you just want to be heard and there is nothing wrong with that. Its human nature to feel that way.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> I think you just want to be heard and there is nothing wrong with that. Its human nature to feel that way.


It's what he wants too. He's said so.

But when he gets in a certain mode, he forgets that we both want the same thing, and he convinces himself that he is right and I am wrong.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> But I think he felt his own childishness rising up in him, and threw it right onto me in a split second.
> Relevant to discussion at MC.


Thats exactly WHY he says you're acting like a 7 yr old. He is blaming YOU for how he actually sees himself! He sees himself within you. Yes it needs to be addressed in counseling.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> Thats exactly WHY he says you're acting like a 7 yr old. He is blaming YOU for how he actually sees himself! He sees himself within you. Yes it needs to be addressed in counseling.


Our MC is pretty astute about this.

He says that when someone projects their own stuff onto someone else, there is probably a grain of truth to it. 
"Takes one to know one" kind of thing.


----------



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

There is a lot about both of your communication which speaks to your insecurities. It has to do with your identity as a person. I think you have quite a bit to work to do, as do we all in that regard.

I am concerned that neither of you did IC during separation. It would speak largely to your identity issues.

Pulling for you, Credam.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

No, we did do IC. 
I did for about 5 months before we separated. He did during our separation, and his IC is the person who is now our MC.

I'm comfortable with who I am as a person. I know what I am and I know what I'm not. I'm not afraid to be told my imperfections, and to keep growing. In theory, he says the same thing--but when the rubber meets the road, that's when it seems like I try to draw on the IC/MC/spiritual tools, he just throws it all out the window.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

How many sessions of IC did he attend?


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> No, we did do IC.
> I did for about 5 months before we separated. He did during our separation, and his IC is the person who is now our MC.
> 
> I'm comfortable with who I am as a person. I know what I am and I know what I'm not. I'm not afraid to be told my imperfections, and to keep growing. In theory, he says the same thing--but when the rubber meets the road, that's when it seems like I try to draw on the IC/MC/spiritual tools, he just throws it all out the window.


Sounds to me like your counselor is above average. It can take a while for the positive effects of counseling to appear. The best thing you can do for yourself, in my humble opinion, is to find a way not to let anything your h does bother you, That will provide the space you need until the improvements start to appear.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> How many sessions of IC did he attend?


Not enough--no more than 5 sessions.
BUT, it was a 2.5 hour drive (he found the nearest IFS therapist), and he did triple sessions each time--meaning 2 hours and 15 minutes. AND, the therapist suggested that we're going to make the most progress by doing joint sessions. Because of the distance, it's the most feasible.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Sounds to me like your counselor is above average. It can take a while for the positive effects of counseling to appear. The best thing you can do for yourself, in my humble opinion, is to find a way not to let anything your h does bother you, That will provide the space you need until the improvements start to appear.


Thank you for this.

The improvements do appear, just not consistently. And yes, he is above average. I thank every lucky star there is that my H respects this guy, and that he is perceptive and insightful and keen enough to cut through the BS and truly get through to him.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Not enough--no more than 5 sessions.
> BUT, it was a 2.5 hour drive (he found the nearest IFS therapist), and he did triple sessions each time--meaning 2 hours and 15 minutes. AND, the therapist suggested that we're going to make the most progress by doing joint sessions. Because of the distance, it's the most feasible.


Thanks.

Sounds like the IFS approach is reaching him when nothing else did.

Good to hear.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Thanks.
> 
> Sounds like the IFS approach is reaching him when nothing else did.
> 
> Good to hear.


Um...thank YOU. I just pray it continues. I pray he sticks with it. If you could do the same, I'll add it to the list of gratefuls to you.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Here's my update and how I'm dealing with being so bugged about this.:

Hubby is being sweet and cheerful.

I'm reserved. I made a nice dinner, we went on a bike ride. But I'm not overflowing with affection and happiness like my normal setting.

In my head, I'm working through it:
There IS a young, little girl, youthful, fun-loving, silly, quirky, expressive part of my personality. I like that part of me and I won't change that. I get energy from that part and I like the way it helps me see the world. I don't like when he uses that as an insult (and it's not the first time). I deserve for that part of me to be accepted. 
That is a conversation for therapy. In addition to the fact that he was projecting and being immature himself.

Until then, I have to accept what I did get from last night's conversation right before bed:
1. He agreed that the next time I "speak for my feelings," he'll try not to react with "That's for YOU to deal with! That's not for me to deal with." I explained that I'm not making him "fix" my feelings, that I'm already dealing with them myself and just letting him know. He admitted that he has a tendency to "try to figure out whose responsibility things are." 
2. He admitted that he regretted "some of" what he said.
3. He was more patient.
4. He admitted that he's "been wounded so much that he's just calloused and insensitive now." I know, cue the violins :/

It is very important to me to get a sense that there is forward progress and improvement. Backslides cause me anxiety.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Jotting this to remember to bring up at MC...

Last time we went to MC, he said my H "can't say no to me without invalidating me."

Seems that applies not just to "saying no," but just hearing my feelings about something.

I will say that reaction only happens when I'm saying I don't like something HE'S done. Saying I'm wrong and he's right, I'm a child and he's an adult (instead of "we're different") is a defense to protect him. 

MC also said he has that "what do you want ME to do about it" reflex when I tell him a feeling, which is why he jumps to invalidate me instead "that's YOUR problem," like a panic reflex so he doesn't have to deal with my feeling.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Go ahead and call me obsessive, folks. I'll take that risk.

This morning I said to him "we're going to practice something. We're going to practice me telling you how I feel about something, and you just accepting it and not reacting like I want you to fix it. You don't have to do anything except listen and accept what I say." OK.

So I said "Part of me is really frustrated and feels the same as I did the other day, and that part of me wants to clear something up with you RIGHT NOW. That part is really pi$$ed at you. But I'm waiting for a good time and the right setting, I'm being patient. Just want you to know that's not easy."

He said "You're frustrated. You're pi$$ed. You're being patient." Then he gave me a hug. 

Then I said "Now I feel better because I was direct and told you what's in my head, instead of being quiet and having you call me passive aggressive." Then I changed the subject.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> It is very important to me to get a sense that there is forward progress and improvement. Backslides cause me anxiety.


If you have a minute, click through this link, take the quiz and write back with your attachment style

Attachment Style


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I've acknowledged and have been working on my insecure attachment patterns vis a vis my H.

I'm just sick of being the one to draw on all the self-awareness and try to understand his side, while he acts out and rehashes his side of the old patterns. Instead of moving forward with me.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Believe me, I know how you feel. There are very few marriages where both partners are equal in their relationship abilities. For a marriage to thrive, whichever person has the greatest interpersonal ability, ie, is the least challenged, must maintain things at their level rather than sinking to the level of the more challenged partner. I assure you, I am the last person who ever though the person to lead here would be me and I don't think anything in my life to date led me to believe this would all fall in my lap

In particular, if your attachment style has a high anxiety component, let your mc know


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> If you have a minute, click through this link, take the quiz and write back with your attachment style
> 
> Attachment Style


My "attachment-related anxiety score is 3.30, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 3.80, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance)."

I wish the problem boiled down to my insecurity. Then I could come up with the solution.

But he plays a significant role in the problems we have.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> and I don't think anything in my life to date led me to believe this would all fall in my lap


I sometimes think this is my karmic and cosmic b!tch slap because I never appreciated all the wonderful guys I dated before my H, who were much more emotionally grounded, supportive, and mature than I was, and who put up with my BS and carried my burdens, while I yawned in boredom at the lack of "passion."

WHO KNEW!!!!


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> My "attachment-related anxiety score is 3.30, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 3.80, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance)."
> 
> I wish the problem boiled down to my insecurity. Then I could come up with the solution.
> 
> But he plays a significant role in the problems we have.


QUOTE:

"Distress in a couple is most often due to insecure attachment and this leads to protest behaviour and eventually withdrawal. Criticism is a form of protest and an attempt (albeit misdirected) to re-engage attachment to the loved one.

That seems odd doesn't it. The very thing that drives people apart is an attempt to draw them closer. When attachment bonds become insecure protest, clinging, despair and detachment tend to follow."

Peter Fox


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

So...when he criticizes me as a "seven year old," he's trying to re-engage attachment to me?


----------



## WalkingInLight (Aug 14, 2012)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I'm going to keep this brief. But I am SO frustrated with H, which is less intense than furious, which I was yesterday.
> 
> 2 pm: lunch with my parents. His first time seeing them after our 6-month separation and reconciliation. He wants to "clear up some issues" with them. Tells them he doesn't feel welcome in their home because in the past, when he and I were arguing in their home, he felt like nobody supported him. Conversation is a bit uncomfortable, but ends pretty well. He needed to get things off his chest, needed to be heard and respected, it happened. Good.
> 
> ...


This is classic emotionally abusive behavior. Name calling and belittling you are all traits.

A great book out there is called, "Hold on to your N.U.T.s." Even though it is intended for men, I'd reccomend you get and read a copy - I think you'd find it very helpful.

From the book, I've learned to express and not defend my feelings. If I were in your situation, I would say to your husband, "I do not like it when you call me names and speak to me this way. I'd like you to stop." If he continues, I'd say, "I'm sorry, but if you are unable or unwilling to treat me with respect, I'm not prepared to have this discussion with you right now. We can talk later whn you are ready to respect how I've asked you to treat me." Then I would walk away.

Get the book - give it a try, what have you got to lose?


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> So...when he criticizes me as a "seven year old," he's trying to re-engage attachment to me?


In a very misdirected fashion. In my humble opinion he is parroting behavior he saw modeled by one of his parents, probably (but not necessarily) his father. He (your h) probably thinks he is helping by characterizing your behavior, just like his parent(s) did. Because you find it hurtful, you assume his intention is to hurt


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> In a very misdirected fashion. In my humble opinion he is parroting behavior he saw modeled by one of his parents, probably (but not necessarily) his father.


He's definitely imitating his parents' relationship.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> He's definitely imitating his parents' relationship.


Very difficult for anyone to break free of that, inappropriate and misguided as it may be.

Question: Hey Mr Fish, what's it like living in all that water?
Answer: What water?


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Very difficult for anyone to break free of that, inappropriate and misguided as it may be.


A MAJOR part of his story is how adamantly he doesn't want to be like his parents. 

:soapbox:

"I WON'T I WON'T I WON'T I'M NOT I'M NOT I'M NOT!"


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

WalkingInLight said:


> This is classic emotionally abusive behavior. Name calling and belittling you are all traits.
> 
> A great book out there is called, "Hold on to your N.U.T.s." Even though it is intended for men, I'd reccomend you get and read a copy - I think you'd find it very helpful.
> 
> ...


Yeah, having some ready responses handy is something I think could help.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

WalkingInLight said:


> This is classic emotionally abusive behavior. Name calling and belittling you are all traits.
> 
> A great book out there is called, "Hold on to your N.U.T.s." Even though it is intended for men, I'd reccomend you get and read a copy - I think you'd find it very helpful.
> 
> ...


I gave the book a look, not done yet. I hope there are really practical ways to respond and defuse disrespectful talk. It is very directed to men, but it might be helpful for me to have some NUTs and I could use some of the ways of thinking. My NUTs:

*I will exercise every day.
*I will make time for my spiritual practice every day, and worship at church every week.
*I will speak to people I love with respect and understanding.
*I don't need to be right.
*When I'm not being respected, the conversation is over for the time being.
*I will reserve important discussions for times when they will be productive and not destructive.

I like this, thanks for the suggestion, Walkinginlight.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Here's my update and how I'm dealing with being so bugged about this.:
> 
> Hubby is being sweet and cheerful.
> 
> ...



Wow.

You want him to take note of your feelings, to be respectful about them, empathetic, compassionate and understanding.

Yet when the roles are reversed you treat his feelings with seemingly utter disdain!


Why on earth didn't you take the opportunity to demonstrate to him exactly how you want him to handle your feelings by handling his feelings in the way you want him to handle yours?


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> He's definitely imitating his parents' relationship.


We alldo that, imitating parent's marriages is absolutely classic. That’s one of the main reasons I recommended The Marriage Course - Explore the Marriage Course | Alpha USA to you.

Your IC or MC will not be able to teach you the overall structure, ingredients and dynamics of a healthy and happy marriage because you’ll all be so exceptionally focused on personal issues and characters.

If you don’t believe me, just take a look at the “issues” you’re literally arming yourself with for the next session. You sound as though you’re going in to do battle. That’s crazily wrong, in my mind. You’re on the attack, he’ll be on the defence and may well go on the attack.


You both need a healthy and constructive marriage model to work to, believe me your parent’s marriage has it’s problems. You’re never going to get that on the path you have taken.
.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I know we both do that. I know my parents don't have a perfect marriage. 
I do trust our MC to guide us on a good path.
I don't believe my plan for what I'd like to discuss at our next session, or the way I intend to bring them up, is combative in content or approach.
If my husband would do the course you recommend with me, I'd be very willing.
Our MC sessions need to be primarily IC for him, with me participating where it's relevant to our dynamic.


----------



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Our MC sessions need to be primarily IC for him, with me participating where it's relevant to our dynamic.
> Today 02:06 PM


I hope you check yourself on this statement. If this bleeds out in your attitude, actions, body language at all, it is not good.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I guess you realise you are trying to change him in massive ways? You are trying to fit the proverbial square peg into a round hole.

Square pegs are not compatible with round holes no matter how hard you try and bang them in, it may just be that the two of you are not compatible. No way on this planet should marriage entail the type of work yours is at the stage it’s at. My goodness you’re still very much in the “honeymoon period”. You should be back to back, side by side on all the healthy things within a marriage.

Because you are trying to change him (and very very big time) that makes you a codependent. You may well get great benefit from reading http://www.amazon.co.uk/Codependent...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1347481434&sr=1-1.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I know we both do that. I know my parents don't have a perfect marriage.
> I do trust our MC to guide us on a good path.
> I don't believe my plan for what I'd like to discuss at our next session, or the way I intend to bring them up, is combative in content or approach.
> If my husband would do the course you recommend with me, I'd be very willing.
> *Our MC sessions need to be primarily IC for him, with me participating where it's relevant to our dynamic.*


You are trying to “fix him” even in your MC sessions!

Seems to me you are both totally at sea, in a blind mist as to what a healthy and happy marriage is all about! You are making it about his personality and you will forever and always fail because of it.

Make it all about a healthy and happy marriage. A common goal, something to work towards and in that way take the focus off of your personalities.

Your MC/IC will take 10,000s of dollars and still you wont know what a healthy and happy marriage is all about! Most especially with you continuing trying to prove it’s your H who is in the wrong, it’s like he’s the wrong man for you and I’m guessing he knows that, knows how you feel about him.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> I hope you check yourself on this statement. If this bleeds out in your attitude, actions, body language at all, it is not good.


*sigh*

I have done so 
much
indivdual
counseling

and personal work struggling to heal this relationship. i promise that with every ounce of sincerity and humility i have.

I can not do more than ive already done. i can support and love him. i can be willing to, yes, discuss my own issues in MC too. and the role i play. 

but he has a lot of work to do. he hasnt done it.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

AFEH said:


> You are trying to “fix him” even in your MC sessions!
> 
> Seems to me you are both totally at sea, in a blind mist as to what a healthy and happy marriage is all about! You are making it about his personality and you will forever and always fail because of it.
> 
> ...


oh God help me, Bob. how i wish you were right.

none of you people hear what i actually do say in MC and to my husband.
how accepting of my husband i actually am.
how patient.
how much i take on the chin.
how much my family takes on the chin.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Make it all about a healthy and happy marriage.


believe me. i try.

believe me. i dont try to prove him wrong.

i dont even believe he's wrong.

i dont care about right/wrong. believe me.

i just want us to be nice to each other, be each other's friend, support each other, care for each other.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Wow.
> 
> You want him to take note of your feelings, to be respectful about them, empathetic, compassionate and understanding.
> 
> ...


Bob, I DO demonstrate that TO HIM.

Perhaps not here on TAM.

But I do give him precisely that when he shares his feelings with me.

Please stop making so many assumptions about me.
Much of what you assume is untrue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> oh God help me, Bob. how i wish you were right.
> 
> none of you people hear what i actually do say in MC and to my husband.
> how accepting of my husband i actually am.
> ...



You said you make MC about his IC.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Oh for God's sake. Context. Big picture. Full story. Between the lines.
You can either believe the sincere spirit of my intentions, or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I don't "make it his ic."
It's just blazing clear, in and out of mc, what is needed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Welcome back Cred! I'm sorry to hear things are not going that great. But you did mention things are going better, so I hope that is good. At least he's going to MC now. 

I really liked the advice about getting the N.U.T.S. I've used that approach many times and it has helped.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Thanks my dear. Good to have your support
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> If this bleeds out in your attitude, actions, body language at all, it is not good.


It doesn't.
I fully participate.
I own all my sh*t all the time, and sometimes his<--that, I should not do.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Creda, I think I understand what you're saying about the MC/IC etc etc etc. 

As you know, you can't change him and must let him work through his own issues. I'm going to talk about yours for a moment, because I think it will help you if you can "get" this. 

What I am understanding so far: Your goal is to be happy with your marriage. Right now, that means feeling validated and respected, which you sometimes don't get from your husband. You have a tendency to become passive-aggressive, and you're working on using your words instead. You are both doing exactly the same things TO each other that you resent FROM each other at a very basic level. 

I would encourage you find a balance between that PA tendency and your anxiety. When you get upset about something, avoid talking about it until it's 100% YOUR problem when you discuss it. This isn't easy to do, but let's use the example of him calling you a 7-year old to illustrate this idea. 

He was wrong to do that. Almost every single response you can have will guide you the wrong way, though. If you get angry, it creates more tension and arguing. If you stuff it inside, it teaches him that it's ok to mistreat you. So it's important to find a way to put a stop to it without putting him on the defensive. 

For me personally, it can sometimes take me a day or two to find the right words and get into the right mindset, but here's what I'd be doing if I experienced that conversation.

Immediate thoughts would be anger, hurt, and wanting to lash out. I'd show my displeasure non-verbally, but I would not be willing to talk about it just yet. If my partner asks (as mine always does), I would say, "I'll talk to you as soon as I'm ready, but I can't do that without anger right now." 

Then I let my mind go. Believe me, all kinds of "conversations" run through my head, and I'm victorious and powerful in all of them! But once I exhaust my angry reflections, I start to look at things as I think my partner does. I start asking what's right about their viewpoint. I consider what outside factors might have influenced what happened. Eventually, I can find a way to understand my partner's position even if I do not agree with the way it came out. 

By the time I sit down to talk to my husband, I'd be able to say, "I know that you felt stressed out and didn't mean what you said, but when someone says I'm like a 7-old or treats me that way, what happens inside of me is that I think they don't like me very much. Do you dislike me?" Of course, he'll answer no, or say that he dislikes a certain something that you do. If he says no, you can say, "Then I would appreciate it if you wouldn't say that again now that you know what I take from this kind of communication." If he points out something I *do* that he dislikes, then I take time to listen to his views fully. If I can't acknowledge that he's right, then I say, "I'll have to think about that" and I go right back to step one. 

I try to focus only on what happens inside my own head. Not on what someone has done. This can de-escalate a lot of defensiveness and provide an open and honest way to communicate because my partner knows I will listen and give serious consideration to his viewpoint even if I don't agree.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Bob, I DO demonstrate that TO HIM.
> 
> Perhaps not here on TAM.
> 
> ...



What you did on TAM, to me at least, was to demonstrate that you have no concern for how he feels about things.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Oh for God's sake. Context. Big picture. Full story. Between the lines.
> You can either believe the sincere spirit of my intentions, or not.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I believe you are sincere and I believe you have sincere intentions.


You give me the impression that you are sincerely trying to model him into a man that is acceptable in your world and your family's world and you're using a virtual crowbar to do it with.


Codependents do that stuff.


You are obviously still with him for reasons. There are things you are getting out of the relationship that he provides for you. What are those things?


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

AFEH said:


> What you did on TAM, to me at least, was to demonstrate that you have no concern for how he feels about things.


That's because ON TAM I'm venting PARTS of what I feel. I do have concern for his feelings. I also have concern about my feelings.

TO HIM, I'm empathetic, kindhearted, understanding, respectful, calm, loving, listening, to the nth degree.

I've already said that.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Kathy thanks for your response, i'll look at it a bit later when i have some time, i'm running out the door.

Bob--i have not shared the full story. it is energy-draining to do so. Your last question, i will answer in teh context of a full reply later.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

AFEH said:


> You give me the impression that you are sincerely trying to model him into a man that is acceptable in your world and your family's world and you're using a virtual crowbar to do it with.


NO.

As for why i'm still with him, i don't have tiem at teh moment but will gladly answer when i do.

in the meantime, your relentless assumptions about what i'm doing are a little tedious.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

KathyBatesel said:


> Creda, I think I understand what you're saying about the MC/IC etc etc etc.
> 
> As you know, you can't change him and must let him work through his own issues. I'm going to talk about yours for a moment, because I think it will help you if you can "get" this.
> 
> ...


This advice is on point with what we've learned in MC and from experience, both good and bad.

I did tell him calmly why it bothered me, but he was in the heat of the moment and "couldn't" validate me. It would've been better for me to wait a couple days. And believe me, as I shared in post 3 or 4 of this thread, I did figure out what was in my head--why it bothered me, what was partly true about it, why he may see me this way, etc. Thoroughly.

As it is, I'm waiting until MC to discuss what really weighs on my mind. Thanks.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> NO.
> 
> As for why i'm still with him, i don't have tiem at teh moment but will gladly answer when i do.
> 
> in the meantime, your relentless assumptions about what i'm doing are a little tedious.


I wouldn't waste your energy answering any of my questions. I can't even lead you to the water let alone get you to taste it. Even though you read the books I recommend here on TAM. I find your ingratitude really quite stunning.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

And I wonder if your tendency to assume and tell someone else whats in their head was any part of your own problems.
That's been my sole complaint about your feedback.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> It doesn't.
> I fully participate.
> I own all my sh*t all the time, and sometimes his<--that, I should not do.


Just be aware of your anger. I don't think you are angry with him. I think you are angry at the situation. I can sense that in reviewing all your posts. I've been there. I, too, was so frustrated with the situation that it was perceived as anger towards her. It may be true, it may not, but what we do know is that perception is reality in life. His perception when you do get frustrated is that you are frustrated with him. 

You definitely have defended yourself on this forum by talking about how much IC you have done, etc. Take a breather. If you guys are doing weekly MC, do it biweekly. It's too much. Heart changes do not happen through therapy. They come through the light of Christ being shown through you because you have become separated from your ego/pride/flesh. Your frustration comes from the ego/pride/flesh side of you. It's natural.

And guess what? It happens over time. Lots of time.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

D2H, thank you again for your insight and understanding.
I'll take your advice to heart, try not to seemingly direct anger AT him, and keep praying.
Your posts help soften me to my husband. 
I love him and I miss him since this last little pitfall we had. I feel like I want to open up again to him emotionally, but his harsh criticism, energy and comments about me, make me very gunshy and uncomfortable to do that. Makes me wonder if he even wants me.

In the past few days, he's been very sweet and positive. I guess he's trying to reconnect without having to clear it up--which is what I need.
But I'm saving it for MC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I love him and I miss him since this last little pitfall we had. I feel like I want to open up again to him emotionally, but his harsh criticism, energy and comments about me, make me very gunshy and uncomfortable to do that. Makes me wonder if he even wants me.
> 
> In the past few days, he's been very sweet and positive. I guess he's trying to reconnect without having to clear it up--which is what I need.
> But I'm saving it for MC.


Reconnecting without clear up. Been there, done it. It is a matter of pride and maturity. Maturity is something that has to develop over time while pride also is broken over time. And, just to clear up, Conrad is right rugsweeping doesn't work. I mean, maturity and pride falling will lead to clearing up the issues before reconnection. 

Just remember: Long lasting love is not developed and kept by chemicals, or attraction, or how you behavioral relate to each other. Long lasting love is developed through each one of you making the other feel good about being YOU. That comes through acceptance. 

However, for you to do that and him not reciprocate is a dangerous situation for you. Keep your voice.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Rugsweeping doesn't work.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

So Conrad and D2H, what would you recommend?

Given that I KNOW that the topic that needs to be cleared up stands a better chance of being cleared up, in MC with MC's support?
It's deep enough that my gut tells me it's an MC-required topic.
MC is in a few weeks.

Advice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Credam,

At the end of the day, you guys are learning how to walk without a MC. You have to do this together. Waiting weeks to address something like this is going to fester inside of you and you guys will just keep this vicious cycle of him rugsweeping and you keeping it in. He is going to wonder what is wrong, and get frustrated. You are going to get frustrated with him for being frustrated. By the time MC runs along, it's going to be a crazy session.

Pray about it. Trust God to give you the answers. Be humble, and use your voice. Speak softly and don't attack. Don't be emotional. Look him straight in the eye in a quiet place with no distractions.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> So Conrad and D2H, what would you recommend?
> 
> Given that I KNOW that the topic that needs to be cleared up stands a better chance of being cleared up, in MC with MC's support?
> It's deep enough that my gut tells me it's an MC-required topic.
> ...


Our mc gave specific instructions not to bring up sensitive issues outside of counseling.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I'll start by praying about it.
And living true to both what I want and what I want to be: two adults who love and respect each other.
But I know that what concerns me most, is something he needs professional help with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

There's also the notion that I'm trying to live it, not talk about it.

My concern relates to how he communicates with me.
Communicate with him about communication??
Seems just a dead end cycle--without the MC there to prompt him to insight that gets to the root of why he lashes out as he does--and, a safe place for me to get to the root of why it bothers me so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

credamdóchasgra said:


> So Conrad and D2H, what would you recommend?
> 
> Given that I KNOW that the topic that needs to be cleared up stands a better chance of being cleared up, in MC with MC's support?
> It's deep enough that my gut tells me it's an MC-required topic.
> ...


Try laughter in the face of adversity. Between the event and your MC sessions, find humor and enjoyment. Look at the funny side. It's not easy, and you'll have to practice, but if you can say to him, "You called me a seven-year-old right after zipped your lips like this! We're so much alike that I don't know how we can't have a great relationship!" with sincere appreciation, it will defuse those situations and he'll recognize his role faster.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> My concern relates to how he communicates with me.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Quite a valid concern. Maybe you could pray for him and for the grace to allow you to forgive him.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

KathyBatesel said:


> Try laughter in the face of adversity. Between the event and your MC sessions, find humor and enjoyment. Look at the funny side. It's not easy, and you'll have to practice, but if you can say to him, "You called me a seven-year-old right after zipped your lips like this! We're so much alike that I don't know how we can't have a great relationship!" with sincere appreciation, it will defuse those situations and he'll recognize his role faster.


YES. He spent a lot of that Sunday lunch with my parents telling them they should support him when I'm "acting like a child" or being wrong."
I totally brought out the humor in it: agreed, defused, deflected, laughed, etc. AND validated and listened to him. Showed him his silliness.
I'm all for the healing power of humor and lightening up and not turning everything into an issue.
And I can laugh at myself.
--I just also want my feelings to be respected.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Forgiveness, and acceptance can sometimes go along way.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Many good points and so much offered to help me to see this in ways that give me more hope.
If I just let myself stay stuck in seeing it only one way, Id be miserable. Thanks.
I just wish he'd try to get out of his one way of seeing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

credamdóchasgra said:


> YES. He spent a lot of that Sunday lunch with my parents telling them they should support him when I'm "acting like a child" or being wrong."
> I totally brought out the humor in it: agreed, defused, deflected, laughed, etc. AND validated and listened to him. Showed him his silliness.
> I'm all for the healing power of humor and lightening up and not turning everything into an issue.
> And I can laugh at myself.
> ...


I am not seeing that you did this in a way that felt good to you both. That's important for letting humor work its magic.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

KathyBatesel said:


> I am not seeing that you did this in a way that felt good to you both. That's important for letting humor work its magic.


Actually, he felt very good after that discussion, though I see why you'd think otherwise. He was lighter like a load had been lifted.
I honestly think he's very disconnected from his own words and other people's reception of them sometimes.

As for now: my affect is light and relaxed and cool, he's in a very solicitous and conversational. 
Because my parents are visiting this weekend, I'd like to maintain this climate of our dynamic and just relax and have fun.
Let the tension ease. He knows what's bugging me and we both know it'll get addressed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

KathyBatesel said:


> I am not seeing that you did this in a way that felt good to you both. That's important for letting humor work its magic.


And let me add, I often try to turn things like that into a joke and see the humor--but another important part of letting it do its magic, is him choosing to chill and laugh with me about it. If he'd rather stay mad, what can I do?

Anyway....we had a really good night last night. We had a good conversation not directly about "what's bothering me," but just about life, what we want, etc. He's been really complimentary to me about things that reflect my maturity--I'm a good teacher, I'm good with kids--and being interested in my world.

I have a strong feeling he's trying to SHOW me the respect that was lacking on Sunday, without the discomfort of talking about it and focusing on our big foible. What I hope for is something in between rug-sweeping and obsessing, and I do have faith we can get there. As I've said to him, "I want short good conversations, not long bad ones."


----------



## WalkingInLight (Aug 14, 2012)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I gave the book a look, not done yet. I hope there are really practical ways to respond and defuse disrespectful talk. It is very directed to men, but it might be helpful for me to have some NUTs and I could use some of the ways of thinking. My NUTs:
> 
> *I will exercise every day.
> *I will make time for my spiritual practice every day, and worship at church every week.
> ...


You are very welcome - remeber, never justify your N.U.Ts. You don't need his approval of them 

Best wishes.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Pack up and leave! That's what I did back in 2006 with my 6 month old daughter!!! The separation was temporary, but *got his attention!* He's been a different man ever since! *He knows I won't put up with BS of any sort!*


This is disgusting. Doing things like this to "get his attention" shows as much weakness on your part as on his. Threatening to take someone's child to make a point is just loathsome.

However, if he absolutely refuses to respect your boundaries and you cannot live with his behavior, then leave. But that should be because you're truly ready to get out, not as a threat or to make a point.

FWIW my wife used to do some very similar things to what your husband does. I just refused to talk to her when she behaved this way. When she was ready to have a calm discussion without little verbal jabs or name calling, I was available for that.

What behavior is it that he compares to a 7 year old? It sounds like he needs to also tell you what behavior it is specifically that is frustrating him.


----------

