# When is it time to give up?



## Winterhallow (Apr 21, 2010)

My husband and I were high school sweethearts and married shortly after high school. We've been married for 10 years, and though we've had our ups and downs it's been a good loving marriage. We were always the couple everyone thought was solid and most in love.

The last year has been one of our down times, we are both more irritable and argue a lot. Both of our jobs are over 10 hrs a day, we both commuted more than an hour each way, and both jobs are extremely stress driven. We work opposite schedules, I on Day shift and he on Graves. Add that with the fact that we had to move in with my parents as we wait to sell our house in another state... and you can see how things degraded.

On February 28th, my husband informed me that he was moving out to live with his parents because he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore. 

I was shocked, but not horribly so, because of the issues at the time. I asked, and he assured me that it was just him taking a breather for a few days, and that he just needed 'space'.

Days turned into weeks.. and I started to worry if this was going to be more permanent. My husband and I still talked, but it grew strained... and when we saw each other he fidgeted and left as quickly as possible, telling me that being around me made him unhappy and agitated inside.

He said he was happy now that he was alone. I was confused, begged him to come back and work on things.. He said no... I asked if he was seeing someone else, and he got VERY angry with me for even thinking it. I felt terrible, but... the thought wouldn't go away.

My friends said that men just didn't.. Leave.. Without a reason. I am not proud to say that I started looking at phone records, and tracking his phone. I found repeated (15-20 times a day) phone calls to a phone number that reversed back to the address his phone always showed him at.

So I went there and as I was working up the nerve to go knock on the door my husband pulled up with another woman. 

We fought, and he SWORE that she was just the sister to his friend that lived at the address.. SWORE that he'd never cheat on me, he'd never do that to either of us.. Not when we could just divorce. SWORE that no matter what cheating would be the ONE bad thing he'd never do in his life. Then he laughed at me for being crazy and tracking him out there.. And after much back and forth.. I believed him.

We went on like this well into April, me calling and begging, him saying no... And that my calling was pushing him away. I promised the moon, if he'd just talk to me and tell me what was wrong.

Everything he said felt right to me.. We had argued a lot. I'd talked about divorcing in the past, but decided against it... Things made sense... even if I didn't want the separation, I didn't think it was the end of the world.

Then on April 13th my husband called me, asking for a divorce. Asking for it as quickly as possible. I freaked out a bit, cried a lot and asked him why.. Yet again.

He told me he couldn't tell me.. Which was the first time he'd ever said anything other than we fought to much or 'I don't know.'

I begged him to tell me, spent nearly an hour doing it... Then he said, "what's the worst thing I could have done?" My heart ripped, and I asked. "Did you cheat on me?"

He said he had... I cried and asked when it'd started.. It had started back in November with an ex-employee who he'd just called up one day and asked her if she was interested in sleeping with him even though he was married. She did, they met up, the affair ensued.

I asked if he loved her... He said he thought so.. I asked if she knew that when he'd been sleeping with her, he'd been sleeping with me too... He said she did and was fine with it. I asked him if he still thought he didn't love me... He said he still did, but he'd gone and messed everything up by doing what he had.

I cried more... Then said something I thought I'd NEVER say.. I told him that I still loved him, and could forgive him, that he shouldn't rush a divorce if he wasn't sure.

Then he said that the affair wasn't the only thing.. The OW was pregnant and he's just found out. I was.... I can't describe it... I felt close to passing out.. I asked to many questions, my husband answered them all (things that I now picture and wish I couldn't).

My husband fears children, has never wanted them and still doesn't. He told me that he just wanted to get her out of his system and then see about us, but now he had to do the right thing.

He had to build a life with her because of a baby.

We talked more over the next few days and we bounce back and forth about divorce. Neither of us really want it.

But, he won't come back to me until he see's if he can work it out with her. He's asked me to sit by, and wait, to 'hope'. 

Even though he can't promise anything.

My heart wants to wait, but I know what he's doing is unfair to me.. He knows it to and has told me that if I don't want to wait I should move on and be happy.

I know he loves me more now than he loves her... But, I'm all torn up inside.. What if I wait and he slowly falls more for her while I pine for him?

What should I do? 

When do you know when it's time to give up?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> He told me that he just wanted to get her out of his system and then see about us, but now he had to do the right thing.
> 
> He had to build a life with her because of a baby.


The RIGHT thing to do is to honor his vows to you, which is to LEAVE the other woman. The RIGHT thing to do is to assume responsibility for the child (child support) and acknowledge that he is that child's father and will be for life.

He won't 'get her out of his system' by staying around her. Don't listen to this kind of babble. He is justifying his actions, and trying to manipulate you.



> We talked more over the next few days and we bounce back and forth about divorce. Neither of us really want it.
> 
> But, he won't come back to me until he see's if he can work it out with her. He's asked me to sit by, and wait, to 'hope'.
> 
> Even though he can't promise anything.


He has no say in this matter. This is YOUR decision entirely. YOU must be the one to address this, not him. Of COURSE he wants you to wait - he wants to get a favorable outcome from both of you. He wants his cake and wants to eat it too.



> My heart wants to wait, but I know what he's doing is unfair to me.. He knows it to and has told me that if I don't want to wait I should move on and be happy.


He's hoping you will divorce him so that he won't be the one who makes that decision - that way he forces you to do his thinking for him. He is using you to keep making him happy - and, he is sacrificing you for his own happiness. 



> I know he loves me more now than he loves her... But, I'm all torn up inside...


Not true, and don't try to convince yourself of this anymore. If he loved you more than she, he would be leaving her to be with you. Love is ACTION, it is HOW YOU TREAT ANOTHER PERSON.



> What if I wait and he slowly falls more for her while I pine for him?


That is pretty much EXACTLY what will happen unless he ends the affair and comes back to you. Of course, this does not mean that he won't repeat the same scenario with her in a year or two (most likely will). But it DOES mean that you will lose your marriage. Is that ANYTHING you want?



> What should I do?


Very simple. If you want to save your marriage, face him squarely and tell him that he must end the affair immediately, and set up a child support agreement with this woman so that the child is cared for. And then stay away from the Other Woman entirely. He must come back to the marriage and begin work on it. 

Tell him these things - don't ask him, nor command him. These are the facts, and you have NO NEED of any reply from him. His actions will be your answer as to what to do next. 

You do NOT need to file divorce yet - but there is a lot you can do to protect yourself from more hurt, and a lot you can do that will be influential over his decisions. 



> When do you know when it's time to give up?


After you know you have done everything you can to save your marriage, so that you can end it with a clean conscience, knowing there wasn't another thing you could have done.

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Now playing: Gilbert & Sullivan - List Reginald, whilst I confess a love
via FoxyTunes


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

U r in a real tough spot I'm really sorry. the last post is absolutely right, don't be waiting for no one, tell him to give her up and work on the marriage or end it now. sorry again and good luck


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