# I Want It Nightly; She Doesn't



## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

I'm sure that this is a common issue on these boards and pardon my first thread here if it is. But here is a quick recap:

_*Married over 15 years
*Two kids
*Both in our early-to-mid 40s
_
I suppose that our sex life has always been more one-sided and because she wasn't a '*****' in bed made her more appealing as far as wanting to spend the rest of my life with her. So I can't act surprised now. 

Having a strong sex drive basically forever, it has only been enhanced ten-fold since I began testosterone replacement therapy at my doctor's office. Viagra is a joke compared to the REAL thing. 

So it goes without saying that my urges occur on a daily basis and if I don't masturbate during the day, I'm climbing the walls by the time my wife and I go to bed for the night. She's pretty cool about it most of the time and will let me get off in some fashion, even when she's not "in the mood," which is more often than not. 

My wife turns me on immensely and I feel that it's a normal and healthy part of any relationship, even at the rate that I would like it to happen. 

I guess what I'm looking for here is whatever responses I get - albeit positive or negative. And I'd love to hear from a young lady or two on what they think. If I'm a horny pig in your eyes, then feel free to let me have it. Thx.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

40,
Have you read "married man sex life?" by Athol Kay?

Athol understands the male/female sexual dynamic very well. 

Have you done a quick check list on yourself:
- Are you fit? And fit doesn't necessarily mean marathon runner skinny - many women dislike that. Fit means, V shaped upper body and non-fat stomach. 
- Are you fun to be around?
- Does she think you have a good sense of humor? 
- Do you know what turns her on - outside the bedroom?
a. playful - physically - a lot of touching/wrestling etc.
b. sensual touching (not groping - world of difference)
c. playing a sport together
d. other 
e. cologne
f. style of dress
g. way you carry yourself
- Do you know what she likes in bed? 
a. dominant (talk or physically)
b. a bit rough?
c. other
- Home repairs (odd but true turn on for many women)
- Telling her you love her/complimenting her
- Giving her gifts
- Do you generally know her love languages? Example on a 1-5 scale where 5 is most important:

Me
Physical touch including sex: 5
Quality time: 4
Acts of service: 4
Words of affirmation: 3 (ILY/compliments/etc)
Gifts: 1
Sacrifice: 4 (this is when you want to do A, and she wants to do B)

Her
Physical touch including sex: 3 (5 for non-sexual touch, 2 for sex)
Quality time: 4
Acts of service: 4
Words of affirmation: 4 (ILY/compliments/etc)
Gifts: 1
Sacrifice: 3 (this is when you want to do A, and she wants to do B)





40isthenew20 said:


> I'm sure that this is a common issue on these boards and pardon my first thread here if it is. But here is a quick recap:
> 
> _*Married over 15 years
> *Two kids
> ...


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

I have not heard of that book but will certainly take you up on that suggestion.

I'll try to answer some of your points:

1 - I am in the best shape of my life and things have actually improved with the frequency of sex since I have looked better.
2 - My wife and I have a different sense of humor, so even though we get along fine, I have more of a 'guy' Opie and Anthony style while she is more SNL. 
3 - Turn her on o/s the bedroom? That's a great question and I'm embarrassed that I have no answer for this. 
4 - My wife is not the most physical person as far as hugging and cuddling goes, and playful wrestling is not something that has ever come up. I would have no problem with it, though. 
5 - The sensual touching aspect has been used by me in a non-sexual way to good reviews. 
6 - We used to go to the gym together until she began blowing it off.
7 - I always let her buy my cologne. 
8 - She also picks out some of my new dressier clothes.
9 - I like to think that I carry myself in a confident yet respectful and responsible manner. 

As far as the in bed points go:
1 - I like the talking aspect; she does not
2 - No dom or rough stuff has ever occurred, although I would be open to it. She likes it fast; I like to finish off in a slower manner. So I make sure to go both speeds so both of us can cum. 

The other stuff:
1- I suck at home repairs. Maybe you're onto something there...
2 - I constantly tell her I love her and give her compliments.
3 - Sporadic gifts are not uncommon from me to her. 

Love language ratings:
ME:

Physical touch including sex: 5
Quality time: 4
Acts of service: 4
Words of affirmation: 5 (ILY/compliments/etc)
Gifts: 5
Sacrifice: 4 (this is when you want to do A, and she wants to do B)

HER:
Physical touch including sex: 3 (5 for non-sexual touch, 2 for sex)
Quality time: 3
Acts of service: 3
Words of affirmation: 0 (ILY/compliments/etc)
Gifts: 3
Sacrifice: 4 (this is when you want to do A, and she wants to do B)

That may seem one-sided, but my wife is a quiet gal who has to be prodded to get much out of. I do not hear any compliments unless I ask her specifically if I look better since the new diet, workout, etc. 

I never feel her hand going to hold mine or a hug unless I do it first. That's just her personality and I do not take it the wrong way. She has always been this way and it's not ideal, but I have learned to accept it. 

Her initiating sex? A handful of times since marriage. 

I'll give her a decent number in the Sacrifice area because when I need to get a release, she'll be patient and help out.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I'd happily do the wild thing daily mostly because my H makes me feel beautiful, sexy and wanted/desired.

A flat tum or big bicep only goes so far (for me)... women don't tend to be overly visual (although i like the sight of a attractive body like anyone else!!).

Great that you do stuff around the house/yard but do them because it's the right thing to do...not for sex. She will see through that for sure.... i'd feeling like you were playing games if you did that to me.
I do jobs around the house everyday...because they need doing not because i expect or think I 'deserve' something in return.

A big thing for me was understanding just how important sex was to him. Understanding that it was his way of connecting and feeling close to and loved by me.

Have you been really open with her... vunerable even... enough so she knows your not simply thinking with your d!ck but talking and feeling from your heart.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

40,
This is a good situation and you have a balanced view. I want you to think about something for a bit:

In the beginning it is common that the man chases. This is normal and natural and very healthy. 

Once the marriage is made - now you are together. Often this is when the man falters a little bit because often he either:
1. Continues to chase, which in the closed confines of a house and a marriage can make his W feel smothered. 
OR
2. He begins to take her for granted and stops doing special things that she loves. 

Perhaps you would try an experiment. And that experiment is very simple and often exceptionally effective. It goes like this:
1. Define your current baseline. This is easy to do. For each love language, keep track of how often you initiate per week. And how often she does. 
2. For example, it is fine that you always initiate sex. Maybe not so fine you always say "I love you" first. But the purpose here is to assess where you "currently are" by having a normal week and paying attention. 

The following 2 weeks, what you experiment with is simple. Reduce all the non-sexual stuff that you are initiating almost all the time. So maybe you say ILY twice a day and compliment her twice a day. Cut that in half the first week. Maybe it is always you who suggest spending time together. Cut that in half. 

If she says ILY - of course you say it back, or you give her a warm smile. If she compliments you - say "thank you". If she hugs you - hug her back. The goal here is NOT to make her doubt your love. It is to change your dynamic a bit. 

Right now - when you say ILY - perhaps she really hears: Do you love me? So you cut back the first week, and then stay at that level the second week. It is CRITICAL that you do not get angry at her if she does not wish to pursue you right away. She loves you. A lot. She simply is less expressive. So give her some space and see what happens. 




40isthenew20 said:


> I have not heard of that book but will certainly take you up on that suggestion.
> 
> I'll try to answer some of your points:
> 
> ...


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

@MEM11363 - I will certainly take your advice and appreciate it greatly. Let you know how it turns out.


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