# I need Help advice for my wife's ADD and possible BIPolar



## iamnotahappyhusband09 (Aug 21, 2010)

Good morning all how is everyone doing this Thursday .So i need some big time advice i have been married to a nice girl for a number of years and she just found out that she has ADD .My family believes that she has had it for years but she never told me.She has about 13 out of the 15 things that are on the list for ADD.My family also believes that she also has BIPOLAR that she never got tested for .My wife's mind can changed from either day to day or week to week.When my wife comes home from work some nights i do not know which wife is going to walk through the front door either a nice person or a bear.There has been a number of times either on vacation on a number of times at home she treats me like yesterday garbage.She has insulted me a number of times with also name calling .My sister can not get over how bad that she treats me sometimes..On the other hand she keeps telling me thank god for me if she did not have me that she could not be here on this earth.So i need any advice from another that has ADD or anyone that there husband or wife that has this and how can i deal with these problems .I have a lot more to say but i have no idea how long how many words are allowed on this box.We have not have had love making in the bedroom in years.Look forward to hear from anyone thanks


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

iamnotahappyhusband09 said:


> My family also believes that she also has BIPOLAR that she never got tested for.


Perhaps she does have bipolar disorder, Husband. That is not what you seem to be describing, however. The rapid flips between adoring you to devaluing you -- i.e., between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde -- are far more characteristic of the traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. 

Moreover, adult ADHD is believed by some researchers to be strongly associated with BPD, with which it is often confused. See, e.g., Differential diagnosis and comorbidity of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and borderline personality disorder (BPD) in adults - Springer.

I therefore suggest you look at my description of 12 differences I've found in the behaviors of BPDers (e.g., my exW) and bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son). This list of 12 differences is in my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/physical-mental-health-issues/59344-confused.html#post1175425. 

If my description of BPD traits in that post rings a bell, I suggest you read my more detailed description of such behaviors at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If you like, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Husband.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

ADD has zip to do with her other problem.

A lot of people don't even know they are ADD. They dont know there is an underlying executive functioning deficiency. The information filters don't work right. Most people filter information in real-time so they can do what they intend. ADD people experience information overload, tolerate frustration less easily and don't understand why.

If your wife is undiagnosed, frustrated and can't make sense of how she can be so competent and incompetent simultaneously, they may very well look for someone to blame. It doesn't make them BPD.

There is a tendency around here for people to throw a BPD diagnosis around. I encourage you to avoid jumping on that label. If your wife is dealing with an undiagnosed learning/processing disability and you jump to a conclusion that is akin to a mental health death sentence all you will do is make her angry and hurt. That of course will solidify your armchair diagnosis and cause you to distance yourself further and to do your own version of black and white thinking.

My reading here is leaning me toward the belief that people who either live with BPDers or believe BPD is the cause of all their pain want others to join their club. It might be an indication of their own pathology.

Think more broadly. Encourage your wife based on her competencies and how incongruent these other characteristics are. If you want to solidify the negativity and in no way improve your life, jump on the BPD bandwagon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

clipclop2 said:


> ADD has zip to do with her other problem.
> 
> A lot of people don't even know they are ADD. They dont know there is an underlying executive functioning deficiency. The information filters don't work right. Most people filter information in real-time so they can do what they intend. ADD people experience information overload, tolerate frustration less easily and don't understand why.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

This one really hits close to home for me. My husband and his family did the same thing. They put that label on me to excuse their own behavior. They've lied to our grown children--even to the point of telling them I had testing done and the psychologist officially diagnosed the bi-polar disorder. No, the psychologist determined that my condition was extreme stress. It is really hurtful when non psychologists around you start making unfounded diagnoses.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

clipclop2 said:


> There is a tendency around here for people to throw a BPD diagnosis around.


If such a tendency exists here at TAM, I've never seen it and you have not identified it. This is the second thread where, following one of my posts mentioning BPD, you have complained that some TAM members have tried to "diagnose BPD." The first time you did this was at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...-unhappy-dont-know-what-do-2.html#post3913490. 

In that thread, I challenged you to produce a quote -- i.e., actual words -- of someone attempting to diagnose BPD. As I said, _"nobody on this thread has made the absurd claim that -- without professional training and without even meeting Behappy's H -- they are able to diagnose him." _

In the current thread, I did not claim that the OP's W has BPD. On the contrary, I stated that "perhaps she does have bipolar." I simply made the factual statement that the rapid, event-triggered mood changes the OP describes are closer to BPD traits than bipolar traits.


> ADD has zip to do with her other problem.


ClipClop, you don't know that. Your telling the OP that his wife DOESN'T have ADD constitutes making a diagnosis -- just as much as telling him that she DOES have ADD. A diagnosis is required to rule a disorder out as well as to rule it in. You are not a psychologist and you've never even met the woman.


> My reading here is leaning me toward the belief that people who either live with BPDers or believe BPD is the cause of all their pain want others to join their club. It might be an indication of their own pathology.


ClipClop, expressing disagreement with other TAM members is fine. It is completely inappropriate, however, for you to attack other members by questioning their motivation -- and suggesting that they may be mentally ill because they disagree with you. 

My experience on TAM is that other members are here trying to help people who are suffering. The strength of this forum is that the members have a wide variety of experiences on which to draw and therefore will often produce conflicting suggestions -- thus offering the OP several ideas from which to choose.

Please note that I have extended you the courtesy of quoting your actual words and then responding to those actual words. I ask that you extend me the same courtesy, ClipClop.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

My husband and I are considering reconciliation after a year and a half separation. During that year he was diagnosed as ADD, which actually explains A LOT. Between his ADD and my anxiety, we're an interesting couple. He has also self-medicated with marijuana most of his adult life, so there's that too. I don't have any advice as this is new to me too but I've done some googling and my H and I will be starting counselling again soon and this will be part of the discussion. I'm curious as to what responses you get as well. I hope your thread doesn't go off the rails already.


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