# Kids mean I don't love her enough?



## stuckinboston (Jul 28, 2010)

Had an argument with my wife a while back about kids - I want them,always have. She doesn't. Her argument eventually became an accusation that if I want kids it's obviously because I don't love her enough. F*ed up is how I see that mindset. Any better perspectives?

Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Did you both discuss whether to have children BEFORE you got married?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

As ugly as this sounds, ditch her and find someone who wants kids.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Sounds like she sees kids as a threat you know someone that she'd have to share you with. She sounds insecure.


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## hypatia (May 30, 2011)

I agree with *F-102*. As unpleasant as it sounds, kids are often a dealbreaker. 

Did you or she or both of you go into this marriage thinking the other would come around? If so, now that reality is dawning, your wife may be throwing out those kinds of emotionally charged accusations as a defense mechanism (as in, "the best defense is a good offense").


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## stuckinboston (Jul 28, 2010)

827Aug said:


> Did you both discuss whether to have children BEFORE you got married?


No. Worst non-discussion I've ever had with anyone.

Her dad knocked up some woman when she was very young, and she (my wife, age 6) had to make the call - does Daddy stay and pay child support or get the hell out? She chose the latter...

Needless to say, she's quite distrustful of men, and I've recently come to the (should have been obvious) conclusion that she equates kids to her half-brother - problems that ruin the love between two people.

The marriage is sexless. She has gone from wanting to wait for a few years before having kids to getting angry any time the subject is broached (perhaps 3 times a year, so no, I'm not badgering her). There's no passion, no spark, and quite frankly, we've got nothing in common anymore. I wonder if we ever did.

I've been told by my (female) therapist that it is in my own best interest to leave her, which strikes me as a rather unusual thing for a therapist to say. Tonight, I'm venting on this forum because she rejected me - again - for anything remotely approaching intimacy.

But always, in the back of my mind, part of me is convinced that it's my fault. That I have to change to fix things. That if I leave her, it will crush her, and I'll have committed some horrid act upon both of us.

Sorry for venting... but it's been a rough couple of weeks, and I'm on the edge of losing my mind and am sick and tired of being the free in-house labor.

Perhaps it's a good thing she refuses to have kids with me...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You definitely don't need to bring children into this marriage. It's sounds as though you got some more pressing decisions to make anyway.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Oh this girl has got lots of emotional baggage that you can't possibly fix. Either she gets into counseling or I agree it's probably best you cut your losses if you want a family. This isn't something that can wait.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And why do you want to stay with this person who is all about HERSELF and nothing about YOU?

Hint: NOT a marriage.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I think your therapist was dead-on, boston. If you stay with her, you will slowly erode into nothing-you are already showing signs of that by wondering if you should change for her, i.e., blaming yourself..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If a therapist is telling you to leave, you can be pretty sure your marriage is hopeless.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> *Oh this girl has got lots of emotional baggage that you can't possibly fix.* Either she gets into counseling or I agree it's probably best you cut your losses if you want a family. This isn't something that can wait.


:iagree: Speaking from a damaged person's perspective, counseling is the only way out. My husband's love is powerful and redeeming, but it cannot make up for being abused for most of my life, as well as watching all the men in my family cheat.

I purposely chose a childfree man, because I know I am too screwed up to be a good mother. My mother was too, how sad that she had four children. :rofl:


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