# what to do when the passion is not there....



## baloo (May 19, 2010)

I have been married for almost 15 years. My wife claims to have had a low libido since we met, but admits to having had wild sex with the 2 other significant relationships before ours. She is a devout Catholic who only consented to pre-marital sex with those men because she believed at the time that she would marry each.

When we met, she seemed to enjoy heavy petting/making out, etc. but let me know that she had regretted her prior decisions, and would not have sex until after marriage. I could respect that, so I never pressured her to change her mind. 

Once we were married, she seemed to relish the virginal notions, and sex became something we had every so often (about 6-8 weeks apart), but only if initiated by me (even then, at least 80 percent of my overtures were rebuffed politely or demurely).

This lack of interest in sex on her part continued over years that included therapy (for her - I was told by the therapist that she thought the issues were beyond me, and that my presence might inhibit any progress on my wife's part). Enthusiasm returned briefly when we decided to have our first child after more than five years of marriage, but soon departed once the pregnancy was confirmed (in her mind, pregnant Catholic women just do not have sex).

Flash forward to the present - we've made love less than 6 times in the last 18 months. She has orgasmed a couple times during that period through oral sex, and seemed genuinely amazed at how much fun we/she could have immediately after the more positive interludes. However, despite thinking that one good turn would lead to another (and more often), that has not proven to be the case.

We now have 2 children, and are still truly in love with each other (i.e., neither can see us having another life partner). But, I learned just this week that she does not find me sexy (although there are "things" about me she still finds sexy!?!). In a nutshell, she admitted to not feeling all that passionate with me (not news to me), and also stated that she does get horny/want sex - it's just that those feelings are not typically aroused by/with me. That was news to me, and once I began to get past the personal hurt of her comments, I was able to see how this can happen.

She thinks that I evoked those feelings once upon a time (mostly before the wedding), and claims to love me more than ever in every other way. Neither of us wants to divorce - we really do like living with each other and raising our children in and as a family. At the same time, each of us wants a sex life that is satisfying.

So, here is a problem - I still get quite excited at the thought of being with my wife, while she can't get past the feeling that our relationship works best at the fraternal level. She even wondered aloud if we should go on-line together to find a solution for our mutual, but not shared-for, horniness. I think she meant more in the line of looking into swinging as opposed to an open marriage where we "dated" others. 

I have had more sexual partners than my wife (4 to her 3), and not all of those relationships included or hinted at the promise of marriage. I believe that I can separate the emotional and physical aspect of sex far easier than she (she believes that the presence of love played a major part in her ability to enjoy sex with her priors, whereas the presence of love when having sex has never been a requirement for me; an enhancement, for sure, but not an absolute must). I am open to expanding our intimacy to others in the hope that she will find that passion she has been missing. 

She also wonders how she might feel about my sexiness if my physique were better - I am about 25 pounds heavier than when we first met, and certainly not as toned - she also enjoys fitness activities more than I - but I am by no means a blob or couch potato.

My questions are these - 

Do I simply put my nose to the grindstone, cut out the carbs, and hit the gym until I regain the more svelte form of my youth - and ignore her thoughts about looking for satisfaction beyond our bedroom (where I have just learned that she is as dissatisfied with the quantity/quality as I am) - and remain hopeful that the passion will come back after gazing upon my 6-pack abs (!)? 

Or, should we start to explore what external things (i.e., whatever other than me - whether it be toys, swinging, exhibitionism, etc.) might turn her on and go with it?

I am not saying that I won't work to improve my looks, but I am afraid that I could have Brad Pitt's body and it still might fail to make her drool. I think my ethics can tolerate and enjoy a less-than-traditionally monogamous event or two - or perhaps even a more significant and lasting change in our lifestyle (as could be enjoyed within our marriage). But I am concerned that my wife's Catholic guilt would manage to muck up whatever enjoyment we might be able to find for her, since such enjoyment is certain to exceed what the Roman Catholics would consider proper, appropriate, and okay to pursue.

Any thoughts or comments from others who have been in this situation are welcome!


----------



## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

baloo said:


> Do I simply put my nose to the grindstone, cut out the carbs, and hit the gym until I regain the more svelte form of my youth - and ignore her thoughts about looking for satisfaction beyond our bedroom (where I have just learned that she is as dissatisfied with the quantity/quality as I am) - and remain hopeful that the passion will come back after gazing upon my 6-pack abs (!)?


Working out for yourself to make yourself healthier and happier is a great goal to have. But, depending on your age those 6-pack abs for most are hard if not impossible to get without some pretty severe dedication. I have no where near 6 pack abs (closer to a pony keg  and I work out 6+ days a week for close to 12 total hours (Karate, weights, running, cycling, zumba). The important thing is to be healthy, not to look like the newest GQ model!



baloo said:


> Or, should we start to explore what external things (i.e., whatever other than me - whether it be toys, swinging, exhibitionism, etc.) might turn her on and go with it?


It seems like you two are almost totally mismatched in your sexual needs. From reading in your post it seems like your good with swinging, etc. Your wife has a more "traditional" view. I think your best bet is to shoot for something in the middle. Have you both gotten together to discuss what you each would like to have/try in the bedroom? Many times couples don't discuss it outside of the bedroom but only try and talk about it during/after sex. Try setting a time aside when your not in the bedroom and discuss it with each other. It's hard to overcome a lifetime of bad education, but with patience and love on both sides it can be done. 

Having sex less than once a week is a problem in my eyes (good amount should be at least 2X). If a husband and wife are not intimate, that makes it more a friendship than a spouse.

Try taking this test, each of you individually Assessments | Five Love Languages. It could be you are not fulfilling a need she has in order to bring out her sexuality. Many times us guys tend to forget our wives need their tanks filled before they are ready to go. If she is missing something, that engine just wont start. 

Also, as another possibility has she had her hormone levels checked? Many times women with hormone imbalances have next to 0 sex drive.

Finally, is she on the pill? I know my wife had huge issues the last time she was on the pill with her libido. Once she got off of it, her moods evened out and she got her old sex drive back.


----------



## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Married almost 20 years. Wife and I are life partners, soulmates, parents to our chidren together and very much in love. My wife refuses to talk about just about everyting, especially our sex life, so I've got to figure all of this out on my own.

I'm seeing that, possibly before we were married even, my wife realized she wasn't attracted to me sexually. She has a low libido to begin with, and I just don't do it for her. She would tell me how, before we met, she would meet guys at college parties and make-out with them for hours. I love to kiss. In hindsight, she never enjoyed passionate, sloppy kisses w/ me. I used to initiate sex, but now the thought of having sex with someone who doesn't like it (with me) is too close to rape for my liking. 

She gave me some reasons for this (to shut me up mainly), and lack of physical attractiveness wasn't one of them. She wasn't attracted to me when I was young and attractive. Getting in shape isn't going to help. My wife is overweight and I wouldn't desire sex with her more if she were thinner. No matter what her brother does to improve himself, she'd never enjoy sex with him either.

I'm just now in the process of figuring out how to handle it. I feel I was deceived. I won't divorce her. I am actually ticked mainly that I came to this realization so late in life. I can't so easily go out and find someone on the side that DOES find me attractive. Because of my age, it's not even an option. You get one shot at life, and I'm never going to see 30 again. Sex and intimacy are too big a part of my life to surrender at such a (relatively) early age. 

I know that didn't help, but it's a similar story


----------

