# Lonely



## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Well my husband and I have been separated for 5 weeks now and the past few days have been really hard - I guess I am just realizing how lonely I feel and how many friends I don't have. I have posted on here before, but to sum it up, he is depressed and moved home to figure out his head and also decide if he wants to continue with our marriage (married for 2.5 years). He has wanted to speak with me on the phone, but I just can't do it right now even though I miss him more than anything. 

How do you guys deal with loneliness? I have always been more of an introvert, and with what I am going through now I feel I identify with people even less. I am a fitness competitor so I spend a fair amount of time in the gym, read, spend time with my mother. I just feel like I have nobody to talk to, nobody to call etc. I am 30, so I am still fairly young in the grand scheme of things. IDK I am not one for happy hours, I don't really drink, my lifestyle prevents me from eating out and I feel that's what most of my co-workers do. I just feel extra lame these days! 

I don't even really know where I am going with this, I think I just feel like reaching out and posting something.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Emma -- I'm sorry you're going through this. It doesn't matter how long you've been married, it's very painful to suddenly be alone, especially if you've mainly done things with your partner. My STBXH has had depression through our entire relationship -- it add another whole dimension to things. It's also really, really important that you take care of you right now. And, if you reconcile (and I hope you two can), you need to KEEP taking care of you. It's easy to get swallowed up by their illness because you care about them. 
*Dean* is right about finding people with similar interests. It may not be easy. I'm still struggling after living on my own for several months. I've been comfortable being by myself, but I don't want it to always be that way. One way to expose yourself to more people is to volunteer for an organization that you care about or for a cultural event, like the Humane Society or a local art festival, etc. It's a great way to find like-minded people. Do you have a local meetup.com group? They set up get-togethers that you can sign up for (or not). Good luck, and hang in there!


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Actually I just joined a few meetup groups for separated / divorced people and another for activities without alcohol (seems like all people in my age group wants to do is drink). The few friends I do have I have isolated myself from and /or haven't told them what's going on with me. Most of them are newly married and just had their first baby - just not something I want to be around and/or don't feel like discussing my "failure" when their lives are just beginning. 

I really don't mind being alone, but at the same time it makes me feel abnormal? It seems like people are always getting together and doing things - I just have never been that way. When I say introverted - I have good social skills but the definition is, people take energy away from you in social settings. I do feel that way, but I know it can't be healthy to be holed up in my condo and/or only doing things by myself or with my mother (although I am appreciative I have her, I know everyone isn't so blessed). 

Even though I am a competitor I have never developed tight relationships in the community. I would say I have different views and more of an extremist than most. IDK the gym I go to isn't really conducive to forming relationships, thus I forced myself to go to another gym over the weekend. I felt like a piece of meat, and yeah makes me not want to go again. 

I know what I am writing is sending mixed messages - on one hand I am lonely, and on another people drain me and I don't want to put forth the effort. Plus I don't want to disclose what's going on to most people ... all self imposed.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I absolutely get where you're coming from. I'm the same way. I come from a pretty dysfunctional background and socializing was really discouraged. I never liked that, but even so, I ended up growing up to be someone who has a lot of 'friends' at work, but none to do things with afterward. I have a lot of interests and hobbies to keep me busy, so I don't really feel like I'm actually missing out when I do things alone. STBXH really started to criticize me about it, and tell me I had a problem, but I think that was because he was looking for things to support his decision to leave and look for someone else. He'd never wanted to socialize, either, that's why we did everything together. (Duh -- that's to him, LOL) But now I can really see how much I gave up doing things I liked due to what was going on with us. I'd like to widen my circle of friends, and there are unfortunately some things that society still frowns on if a woman does it by herself, like going dancing. It's for times like those that I'd like to have a group of friends I can just call up (I only drink once in a while, and usually not at bars). And sometimes I miss just having another person in the house with me while I'm doing my own thing. 

Something that I tried after a particularly bad exchange with STBXH was a local support group for women coming out of bad relationships. Mine happens to be at our local YWCA, but you may be able to find one through another group where you are. Or maybe one for families of people with mental illness. Someplace where there are people with similar experiences. Isolation is common in both of those situations. The support group has been great -- even if we discuss a heavy topic, somehow we all end up laughing by the end of it, and I really look forward to going each week. There are women from all ethnic, economic and social backgrounds and just meeting people you might not normally is great. A lot of groups don't force people to participate, so you wouldn't even have to pour out your story if you didn't want to.

I think your ambivalent feelings are totally normal. If you really want to stretch yourself, just try little steps -- like trying a different gym. That was a good step, even though that one didn't happen to work out.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Thank you for your advice. I don't know why I just feel so sad today ...

I think you are right about the groups. I really don't want to bring other people down and would rather be part of something where we help each other back up. It just seems like everyone has this "Sex in the City" group of girlfriends but I am sure that is just my misconception. 

It's been 5 weeks since he left with only some contact on email. I told him I don't want to talk to him unless he knows what he wants - if we are married then we can start working on it, and if not then I have no interest in seeing/speaking with him again. I don't know if that is the "right" thing to do, more self preservation in that I already said goodbye once and he is gone. I sure do miss him though.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

So is nobody else lonely while going through this? I wasn't only interested in sharing my story but hearing how other people have combated this.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

OK, well if anyone else is lonely out there and wants maybe an email friend or something feel free to PM me. I would me more than happy to listen to w/e you have going on and maybe we can help alleviate some loneliness for each other. I know there are more out there


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

How are you doing, Emma?


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

angelpixie said:


> How are you doing, Emma?


Thanks for thinking of me - actually another "lonely" emailed me today. Not that I want anyone to feel this way but it was nice to hear from someone.

I am doing OK. It's been pretty hard this past week... tears, gripping feelings in my chest, anxiety etc. I am just starting to think I never want to be a spouse someone needs to decide on or talk themselves into - even if he does come back is that someone I can even forgive or trust again?

Still lonely, go figure lol. Well it's been six weeks now since he left and I am even more dialed in with my workouts nutrition ( I didn't even know that was possible) and on book 5? It's just so hard to identify with people right now ... conversations take so much work because there is a shadow in the back of my mind ... always. I feel like my life is constipated on an emotional and spiritual level. 

Really thank you for thinking of me - small gestures like this help me sleep better at night.


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Hey Emma,

I hear you. I feel very lonely right now, too. I am also an introvert. I only have 2 good friends right now I can talk about my divorce with. I am lucky to have them, but they live far away.

How does anyone combat the loneliness? I've never felt so lonely. I'm not someone who "needs" to be around ppl. around the time.

I think I just really miss my STBXH & our connection


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

STBXH walked just over a year ago. For the first 6 months there were plenty of people around. Had DD and my Brandidog with me when we moved in with a friend. She already had a houseful but welcomed us in anyway. Since Dec 2011, I have been completely and oft times, utterly, alone. Had to move , DD went to NJ to STBXH/OW place, had to find another home for my dog as she couldn't be with me at the new place. 

Been doing a lot of reading, writing, listening to music, spending time with my family and spoiling my Puddin' (new g'daughter). I'm planning to move back to the old area to be closer to DS and his family. Just learning to enjoy my own company again.

And of 'course lots of time here at TAM!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Have you been to a doctor, Emma? It would certainly be logical if you were dealing with some depression right now, or maybe sleep problems (which are sort of a chicken/egg thing -- bad sleep can make you depressed, and depression can lead to poor sleep). It might not be a bad idea to just make sure there isn't something to help you over the hump until things start to get a little better.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

My fisrt six months I was in a haze and couldn't do much. I ended up sitting at the end of a bar taking with complete strangers. I met a lot of interesting people with some crazy stories but after awhile the stories were somewhat the same and my credit cards were maxed. LOL. Don't do that...

One day I jsut kind of woke up and started volunteering and meeting people that way. Anything to get me out of the house and away from the computer and TV is what I needed.

I moved out in Feb '11 and can say that '12 is shaping up to be much better than '11. Time is really what heals the best and trying to find fun and new ways to past the time was the key for me.

Good luck Emma. I hope things are starting to get brighter. I tried volunteering at the local food bank and other areas. It has been pretty rewarding for me to help others. I have met a ton of great people along the way.

Shoeguy


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Volunteering is a great idea, Shoeguy!


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Thanks AngelPixie,

I kind of wish I would get back into it more and most likely will later in the year. I think I'm more of a seasonal helper becasue I like to golf as well. I live in Ohio so I have to get the golf in when I can.:smthumbup:

Before I got divorced I never volunteered. Maybe that is the positive that came out of the divorce. I've also got my kids involved as well and taken them with me to a couple events. I enjoy watching them from a distance and see them with a big smile of their face while they are serving someone or just having a conversation with someone they just met.

Take care.

Shoeguy


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

And you don't have to just volunteer with service organizations, either -- if money is tight, some cultural groups will allow you to usher their events, sell or take tickets, sell concessions, etc., in exchange for seeing the performance or film for free. I know some people who do this for our community theater, and I worked for a couple of film fests last hear. 

Also a good way to meet people with similar interests!


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

I think we stole the thread.

Sorry Emma.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I thought we were just trying to give Emma some ideas.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Good point. I think your right.

Where did she go?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Hi Emma. I am 31 and have been married just about 2 years. Maybe similar situation? I am working on moving out and I definitely know that lonely feeling. Feel free to message me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Sorry - I didn't even notice that people have been responding to this thread as it didn't seem to pick up much steam initially. Well, since I was last here I have moved to Las Vegas and start a new job in a week. I went with my step-sister to a Vegas "pool party" today ... it felt kind of awkward because while I can socialize with people, limbo limits my ability to meet people in "that way." By that I mean idk talk to people, go out on a date etc. Maybe that sounds bad I am even thinking about those things, but I saw a couple today enjoying their time together and it made me sad. Aside from that I have been decorating my new place (if it didn't fit in my car it didn't go with me), going to a new gym, getting organized etc. It definitely helps not being in the same environment my husband and I shared together. He went to our place a few days ago to get his stuff and he apologized to me, feeling some of what I felt saying it must have been hard on me. He felt negative toward me since I didn't want to see him before I left Seattle, but I said "now do you understand." Until he knows what he wants to do with me, I don't want to see him.
Anyway all my busyness has taken my mind off of things but there are times like now, when I am home alone with photos on the bookshelf, when I still feel really alone and sad. 
Sorry for the ramble... anyone can PM me if they like


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Hi Emma -- Wow, you've made some big changes!! Seattle to Vegas is a big deal. What are you hoping for in regards to you H? How is he doing with his depression? 

It sounds like it is sort of helping that you are far enough away that you can establish a bit of your own life. I know from my own experience that having a severely depressed spouse can be really hard on your own mental state, and it's really tough on a marriage. So it's even more important for you to really be strong in your own identity. Good for you!!


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Angel - all he tells me is he is still working on him, and really has no answers for me. It seems that August is the magical month to where he will have answers (or so he feels), but I think it will come and go with no progress. I have set August 31st as my deadline, if he has nothing for me I am just going to move forward with the divorce - even though I have made many changes, this is no way to live. I want things to work, but I just feel rather hopeless and am starting to wonder if I can even go back. Plus, while he has mentioned counseling for himself, he has made no actual steps to get help. I can't help someone who can't help themselves, all I see is lacking effort on his behalf.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Emma1981 said:


> Plus, while he has mentioned counseling for himself, he has made no actual steps to get help. I can't help someone who can't help themselves, all I see is lacking effort on his behalf.


Unfortunately, Emma, you've got the key right there. Someone who is depressed cannot figure it all out for himself. If he's not making the move to counseling, he hasn't hit the point where life is bad _enough_ for him to want it more than the status quo. 

You are right -- you cannot help him if he's not pulling his share for himself. That's why, sad and lonely and painful as it is, you've got to keep focusing on yourself. 

You might want to look into reading a few books on dealing with a spouse with depression. One that I've read is called (1st edition): Depression Fallout (there's also an online forum with this name, too) or How you can survive when they're depressed (2nd edition title) by Anne Sheffield. It focuses on how to not get swallowed up. 

((hugs))


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

Congratulations on your move! I use distraction to combat loneliness. Doesn't always work though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shootables (Jun 21, 2012)

Well now you can play slots 24/7 and share your loneliness with the whole town full of lonely people in the casino's. Actually it would be a good idea to stay out of the casinos and just see all the other peculiar sites the town has to offer,


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## dan7272 (Jun 24, 2012)

I do understand your feelings. You can be around people and friends and still feel completly alone. My wife told me she wanted a divorce 6 months ago and the lonelyness is suffercating. You need to talk with people that can understand these feelings so you know it is normal... it is hard to find hope sometime in these situations you just have to reach out... ill be thinking about u


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Emma, you are such a strong woman, and I admire you immensely.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Emma,

Wow I guess you have made some big moves and I hope all works out great for you. I would but my chips on August coming and going without much being said like you mentioned.

Have a great day.

shoeguy


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Thanks for all the support. Does anyone just feel lame? Like I don't start work for another week and even though I have been busy all morning, it's like the second I have some down time I just think about how I am sitting here all alone, with nobody calling me, and feeling like a big loser lol (although I realize I am not one). Does that make sense? I use to enjoy my alone time, didn't mind catching some TV, and now I feel lame and alone.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Oh, gosh, yes! It's been a year on my own and I still feel that way when I'm not busy. Because I didn't really do very much at all with friends when I was with STBXH I am not at all comfortable just calling people up, or making plans with someone else. So I go places by myself, which isn't nearly as fun. It all feels lame to me when I see other people in pairs and groups, but my IC keeps telling me that it's all about pushing myself and that it is no reflection on me as a person. That nobody walks out the door and instantly makes friends. 

It just seems harder when we're adults, I guess.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I feel that way a lot, especially during the summer months. I don't work in the summer, and I don't have kids, so I start feeling really down. 

I just dropped the bomb that I am leaving my h and am currently looking for a new place to live. Until then, I feel like I'm living in limbo. Don't really have a set objective. Living in a house knowing I am leaving. Watching him hurt and knowing I caused that by making this decision. 

So, yea. I feel lame sometimes. I feel lonely a lot. 

I'm not one to have a bunch of friends. I have a few GREAT friends, but not a bunch of people I hang out with. Not a big socialite. And one of my good friends is in the process of moving to a new town hours away.  Kinda makes it hard to get out sometimes.

Add on top of that I live 12 miles out of town, and I live in a very rural part of the state. Not much to do.

But, then I have to remind myself that things could be worse. I'm not lame. People do love me. Self talk can do wonders sometimes!


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

ku1980 - what made you decide it's over?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Emma1981 said:


> ku1980 - what made you decide it's over?


Well, I'm still struggling with being confident in my decision, but I think I probably always will.

My h is a good guy, but he's got lots of pain. He has shut me out the last 2 years. Put a wall up. WE haven't had sex for 18 months and we haven't even been married 2 years. He hasn't gotten help. It's to the point where I have so much resentment toward him that I just can't even see through it. I'm not in love with him. We are good friends, but we are not lovers. That is not how I want to live my life.

That's the long story short.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

ku1980rose said:


> Well, I'm still struggling with being confident in my decision, but I think I probably always will.
> 
> My h is a good guy, but he's got lots of pain. He has shut me out the last 2 years. Put a wall up. WE haven't had sex for 18 months and we haven't even been married 2 years. He hasn't gotten help. It's to the point where I have so much resentment toward him that I just can't even see through it. I'm not in love with him. We are good friends, but we are not lovers. That is not how I want to live my life.
> 
> That's the long story short.


Wow, why did you guys get married in the first place? Did he say "I do" and have a drastic change?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Emma1981 said:


> Wow, why did you guys get married in the first place? Did he say "I do" and have a drastic change?


Pretty much. It seems he felt safe as soon as we were married. He had the security of me being his wife. And then things fell apart. And I tried to talk to him and fix things, but he can't deal with anything that upsets him. Shuts me out. Finally, I quit. I got tired of trying to get him to communicate with me. Trying to get him to get help to communicate with me.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

ku1980rose said:


> Pretty much. It seems he felt safe as soon as we were married. He had the security of me being his wife. And then things fell apart. And I tried to talk to him and fix things, but he can't deal with anything that upsets him. Shuts me out. Finally, I quit. I got tired of trying to get him to communicate with me. Trying to get him to get help to communicate with me.


Ughh I'm so sorry - especially when they don't want to get help. 

Well I am sorry you feel lonely too - I am sorry any of you feel lonely  I am sitting here switching between this and the Las Vegas forum, drinking coffee, taking Google Analytics tutorials and about to watch the Real Housewives of OC. Good times.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Well I know my thread is about being lonely, but I figured I might as well just make it my situation thread 

So my ex emailed me last night - all it said was:

"Just wanted to say hi. And I love you. I'd like to hear about what's going on with you.

R"

I had a brief response with an update and told him I loved him, not much else.

On that note I start my new job tomorrow. I feel really nervous - has anyone ever been hired for a job they felt unqualified for? I am really excited for the position, but I have this irrational fear they will notice how unqualified I am, and I will be fired by the end of the week with no job and in a city with the highest unemployment rate in the country. Ehhhh I really hope I can hack it.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Em -- Look at part of what you just said: 

"A city with the highest umemployment rate in the country."

YOU got hired for a job -- that must mean you are qualified, or else they would have hired someone else. There were probably other applicants, but YOU were hired. Let that boost your confidence! If you don't know exactly what they need you to do, asks lots of questions about wanting to know the specific way they do things there -- great way to a.) hide any insecurities you have, and b.) convince them that they hired someone who cares and wants to do a good job.

Good Luck!!

How did you feel about ex emailing you? Were you happy to hear from him? Surprised?


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Congrats again on the new job, Emma 

Rock on!


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## jtut21 (Mar 21, 2012)

It sounds like you have a tremendous amount to offer! My parents did exactly the same thing under the same circumstances when I was a kid and it has proved to be a wonderful step they took to save their marriage. 

As difficult as it may be to get yourself out into the world that is exactly what you need! Consider all the hobbies you have or are interested in and think about how you can begin enjoying those. With your fitness background perhaps you can start a fitness class. It might be something you are more comfortable with and it would allow you to socialize on a topic that you are knowledgeable on. If you are not a personal trainer maybe you could look at certifying in that. 

All the best,

Josh


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

angelpixie said:


> How did you feel about ex emailing you? Were you happy to hear from him? Surprised?


Eh I mean he will send emails or texts like that periodically when he hasn't heard from me. Happy? It's nice to know he cares. Surprised? Not really. I am just getting really tired of the situation when I have seen no kind of progress - I am also sick of being married when it doesn't feel like I am. I feel single, yet I can't date, tell people I am married, operate like a single entity - it really sucks. I also feel like I am always telling a story about why he is not here - I have finally come clean to my family, but upon meeting new co-workers I just give them the same old song and dance since they don't know me "oh he's back in WA still helping with the family business." My wedding ring tattoo, his initials, the date we got married and our last name which takes up about 18 inches on my left side is a great reminder too. 

Yeah the first day went well so thanks for all the support everyone. It will be a challenge, but not anything I won't be able to master. No real training so I just have to figure it out - but it looks like I can which is good  Let's just say this isn't Seattle anymore - an office of modern furniture, flat screens, a bathroom sink that cascades like a waterfall, a boss that has bleached blonde hair and stilettos, everyone swore, I guess one of the owners is know to sexually harass (aka. make boob comments), I went to lunch and was pretty much coerced into wine - BUT everyone was nice and they give chocolate milk to the employees lol. I knew I wasn't in Kansas when I was sitting in my first meeting discussing all the Vegas hotel/casino properties like Aria. A little surreal?


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Oh and on that note I feel like I might go buy a yellow jeep this weekend - wtf not? LOL. For those of you that don't know in Dec my husband told me he wanted a divorce, my job laid me off and I was in a front end collision in my Acura. That was an awesome two weeks - when my car was broken down in the parking lot and I was waiting for the police/tow truck I was laughing. That being said I got the new job, left the state and now maybe it's time for the new car???? I always said 30 was going to be the best year yet (especially in terms of growth) - well I have one month until I turn 31 so I think I have some more damage to do.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Go for it!! And one can do a lot of damage in just one month, so get started! :smthumbup:


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

I've really been having a rough patch the past week. I just feel so hopeless about the whole thing - we haven't seen each other since April and haven't talked on the phone in 1-2 months? I have been doing NC unless there is something that needs to be handled. Anyway, last week our our landlord contacted me about keys that weren't left behind, thus I sent him a text. I also said that I thought we should talk ... this was Friday and he said he would mail the keys, he loved me, and he would contact me on Sat. No phone call or anything. I just find this so frusterating since I don't require anything of him - nothing, and he can't follow through with a simple phone call. The point of my call was going to be asking about what he has been doing with himself to begin getting his life in order - counseling? Other type of help? It's been 3 months since he moved out and if he hasn't taken steps, I really don't see the point in us waiting until the end of August. On that note, I ended up having a nightmare about the whole thing last night - basically him saying he wants a divorce and blame shifting the whole thing on my shoulders. I went to the gym this morning, but that just started by day off wrong.


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Hey Emma,

I think you should call him. It sucks he didn't take the initiative to call you, but you have questions and you deserve answers. If he doesn't pick up, then text him or email him and schedule a time to talk. He can't just avoid the issue. 

It's good you are going to the gym. It's hard too b/c you are in a new place without your support network and adjusting to a new job. You have a lot of challenges on your plate, and are coping really well. 

Don't feel bad about calling him or feel like you are invading his space. You are not. You just need answers, or at least some kind of response.

Could you see if he'd try and visit you?

Good Luck
~ SS101


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Well he didn't know the nature of the conversation - I just said we should talk soon and he offered to call me yesterday. 

I actually don't want to see him - I don't want to see him less he makes a decision to be married. If he is still in limbo and we see each other, then I have to start my recovery all over with no promise of tomorrow.


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