# Does OW really matter?



## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

After doing more reading this weekend, I feel like I probably confronted too fast. I have NO idea who OW is and have no way to get more info if he leaves the house like he is supposed to. I think all contact was made on CH's work phone, which was password protected and I didn't manage to get onto. I just couldn't take the sneaking around. It just isn't me and ripped me apart. 

Part of me just doesn't care about the details. He made a bad choice and there are consequences. This way I don't have mental pictures to deal with. If he wants to come back, he will, whether I bust the OW or not. Sure it would speed up the process, but I would rather he come back because he chose me rather than because he got run off by OW's spouse.

If I am in a no fault state anyway, is there really any reason or advantage to trying to get more info and tell OW's significant other? (CH said she was with someone but not married...I suspect a coworker, but I don't have any way to verify. If it is her, it is just a boyfriend.)


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## shattered32 (Nov 19, 2012)

Not to say that this is what you should do , all i can offer is an opinion on what i would have done - which is to tell the significant other

1. because they should know

2. because it might be an effective manner in which i can get back at the person by breaking up , causing chaos in their relationship


In my situation , unfortunately , i cannot because the OM does not have a wife - he has been in divorce proceedings for a few and 99% the wife does give a damn about he is doing , but i will still be trying , not in the anticipation that she cares but if there is anything she or us collectively can do make life hell for him.

Vengeful?........... completely! Rational?...........maybe not! Do i care.............. definitely not!! 





Pointegirl said:


> there really any reason or advantage to trying to get more info and tell OW's significant other?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

In the grand scheme? No, not really. She didn't make any promises or vows to you. She isn't your problem, and this is somewhat surprising, but your H isn't really your problem either. You can't control him, never could. You are the only person you can control in any meaningful way, and you have to live with yourself no matter what, so in a very real sense, you are your problem. How you choose to deal will affect you tremendously. I don't say that lightly. I made myself suffer tremendously, but there was a purpose to it. I can see that now. I am in R, and I believe my suffering has helped my fWW come to view her actions and choices with nothing but dread, remorse, regret, and disgust. I believe it has helped convey the enormity of the betrayal she perpetrated, not only on me, but on our children, and herself.

I have to say though, there is a short lived sense of satisfaction that comes from wreaking havoc on the one who chose to violate your marriage, from acting utterly outside the control or wishes of your wayward, and just by simply telling the truth of things. Any consequences fall back to them, that's the best part of an entirely awful situation, they have only themselves to blame.


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## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> I have to say though, there is a short lived sense of satisfaction that comes from wreaking havoc on the one who chose to violate your marriage, from acting utterly outside the control or wishes of your wayward, and just by simply telling the truth of things. Any consequences fall back to them, that's the best part of an entirely awful situation, they have only themselves to blame.


I am not a vengeful person and I feel like "changing myself" to get back at him is going to feel worse than if I just breathe through this, pray, and let the pieces fall where they may. When I think about the 180, I wonder what would make sense for me. Being a details person and worry wart, part of me thinks that not trying to know every last detail and then try to fix it, might be a good part of that. I don't really want them to get away with it and I don't want the OW's sig. other to be oblivious, hurt, and screwed over by this, but that bed has kind of already been made. I don't know if I have the guts and stamina to feel deceitful and sneaky terying to figure things out.

Plus, if he is gone and everything happens on his work phone, so that I don't have access to him much anymore, how would I find anything out anyway?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If it is a friend of yours or someone you know, then yes. You need to know.


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## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> If it is a friend of yours someone you know, then yes. You need to know.


I don't think it is anyone I have ever met. He is so quiet and reserved, that I still can't even phathom how he met someone, miuch less took it to a level beyond that unless it happened at the new job.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I think you have to have another talk with him, if that's possible and I think you need every detail, "no holds bared", no matter how painful it might be. Then you need to find out who this other peron is and expose her to her SO. Based on your other thread you are being way to nice to a guy who is causing you a great deal of pain. If you want to get him back you need to be tough and strong. If you don't want him back, it's OK to get nasty.


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## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I think you have to have another talk with him, if that's possible and I think you need every detail, "no holds bared", no matter how painful it might be. Then you need to find out who this other peron is and expose her to her SO. Based on your other thread you are being way to nice to a guy who is causing you a great deal of pain. If you want to get him back you need to be tough and strong. If you don't want him back, it's OK to get nasty.


He won't tell me. I have asked. He said he wants to leave and I don't need to know. Of course, now I just accidentally found charges on one of his debit cards for AMDB, which according to some searching is a cheaters hook up dating service. So there's a whole new layer. Anyone know about this AMDB business?

FWIW, if I won't be able to live with myself for being cruel & vindictive, and would have to change my whole personality to do so, I don't see much positive in that at all. I will end up hurting myself more than him, if he is to the point of not caring anymore.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I wouldn't go to great lengths to find out, but if you do you should make every effort to notify the OW's partner. Why? Because you would want the same if the roles were reversed. It doesn't have to be about revenge, that is just a bonus.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Pointegirl said:


> He won't tell me. I have asked. He said he wants to leave and I don't need to know. Of course, now I just accidentally found charges on one of his debit cards for AMDB, which according to some searching is a cheaters hook up dating service. So there's a whole new layer. Anyone know about this AMDB business?
> 
> FWIW, if I won't be able to live with myself for being cruel & vindictive, and would have to change my whole personality to do so, I don't see much positive in that at all. I will end up hurting myself more than him, if he is to the point of not caring anymore.


So the affair isn't over then, because if it was over and he was once again your loyal husband he would answer your questions. All of them.

Right now he is protecting the OW. He is telling you his loyalty is to her and not to you. She is more important than you.


You are in a false R.

Now you can see why dealing with the OW is important. It is an essential part of ending the affair , and an essential part of your WS showing their loyalty to you.

Exposing or as it really should be call TELLING THE TRUTH allows all parts of this betrayal - you, your WS, the OW, and the OW's SO to know the truth. 

when you all know the truth you can make informed decisions on what you want to do as a result of the truth.

You may try to give the one who betrayed you another chance.

You may decide to end your relationship with the betrayer.

Either way you are making the decision based upon knowing the truth.

Right now - the only bits of the truth you know are:
1. He cheated.
2. He still is more loyal to the OW than he is to you.


The OW SO - he's completely still being told nothing but lies, and he's basing his decisions on nothing but lies.


You have the power if you work at it, to stop the lies and tell the truth.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to know that the #1 thing cheaters fear is blow back to their AP. The reason is they fear the OP will dump then and the affair end.


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## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

It isn't a false R if he didn't even appear to want to attempt an R, is it? He admitted, I asked if he thought he wanted to stay or go, and he said go. So, he is supposed to be out by tomorrow. now that I found some info about weird expenses, I am not convinced this is just one OW or that he has any intention of stopping. Wrecking my moral compass to catch and punish him doesn't really seem worth it, if he really respects me so little.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Pointegirl said:


> It isn't a false R if he didn't even appear to want to attempt an R, is it? He admitted, I asked if he thought he wanted to stay or go, and he said go. So, he is supposed to be out by tomorrow. now that I found some info about weird expenses, I am not convinced this is just one OW or that he has any intention of stopping. Wrecking my moral compass to catch and punish him doesn't really seem worth it, if he really respects me so little.


Sorry, i was confused I thought he offered R.

Then he is still having his affair. Exposing the truth is still something that needs to be done, otherwise you are setting the OW's SO up for failure.

I know you don't know who she is, but a PI might be able to find her since once your H is out of the house you know she's going to be over to his place.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Pointegirl said:


> It isn't a false R if he didn't even appear to want to attempt an R, is it? He admitted, I asked if he thought he wanted to stay or go, and he said go. So, he is supposed to be out by tomorrow. now that I found some info about weird expenses, I am not convinced this is just one OW or that he has any intention of stopping. Wrecking my moral compass to catch and punish him doesn't really seem worth it, if he really respects me so little.


I think you're in shock from learning your husband isn't the man you thought he was because you're still trying to protect him from your anger.
Shed your polite indignation, all it's doing is stopping you from processing that he cheated & ALL that it entails. 
Hey, it's okay to get mad & angry, to rage against what he has done to you & your relationship.
Stop thinking in terms of who you thought your husband was, you're going to see who he really is & it could quite possibly shatter your world.
Dig deeper, there's a lot more to discover yet & you need to find out the truth in order to clearly make your choices regarding your marriage


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Sorry, i was confused I thought he offered R.
> 
> Then he is still having his affair. Exposing the truth is still something that needs to be done, otherwise you are setting the OW's SO up for failure.
> 
> I know you don't know who she is, but a PI might be able to find her since once your H is out of the house you know she's going to be over to his place.


Pointegirl is not and has not set up the OW's SO for failure, the cheaters did that. I think if you put some reasonable effort into it, and you get a chance to, then you expose for sure, but I would not put a whole lot of resources or energy into the chase. You just won't get much satisfaction out of it. Nothing she can do now can undo what has been done. 

Does your spouse have any friends who might know something and spill the beans to you?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Doesn't matter which cow went through the gate. It was his job to secure it.


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## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

He told me one of his friends already knew and that friend didn't tell me, so I don't hold out much hope. There is only one other locally and he has no loyalty to me either.


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