# Seed of doubt has been planted



## reetooo (25 d ago)

Ok so this is a complicated one which I'll try and simplify.

Based in the UK my wife and I met later in our lives (32 and 37 respectively) and got married in 2016. Both from broken relationships (marriage in her case) we had both been cheated on by our respective partners and vowed never to do that to one another. We would be truthful to each other even if the truth hurt and this has served us well. My wife is a beautiful British born Asian and apart from a couple of instances of jealousy on my part when she goes out on the town on her own we've had a very trusting relationship. Deep down I know she wouldn't do anything to hurt me because she's seen it from the other side right? and vice versa.

When we married, we decided that due to previous experiences we would keep our finances separate. I would pay the mortgage and car payments and she would cover everything else like power, gas, food shopping and council tax. She knows how much I earn and I her, we share details on our savings, investments etc. What's hers is mine and vice versa, we just manage it separately in case the worst was to happen. Her last relationship he was a gambler and bankrupted them so I understood she needed that safety blanket.

Fast forward to August 2022. She starts receiving letters from a bank I don't recognize, since I always empty the postbox I see what comes to the house. 2 letters together which I hand her at the front door after emptying the postbox. I think nothing of it. Now usually when letters arrive they get opened and then dumped on my desk in the office, not these... they simply disappeared. The next week, on a Friday another letter from the same bank arrived while my wife was at work and this time I left it on my desk right on top of my laptop for her to find and on Saturday morning she found it and VERY quickly picked it up and pushed it into her work backpack. This was captured on our indoor cameras which I reviewed after realizing it was no longer on the desk.

Now my overactive imagination is running away with me and my previous relationship is coming flooding back. The lies, the hurt etc etc. I want to believe this is just something silly and I'm being overdramatic but I needed to know she was on the level. We've always been very open and as such we both know our phone passwords so I'm disgusted to say I did a little snooping and found a screenshot of the same bank account who's preferential savings rate was expiring, the balance was £29k! A little more digging and I find a note in her notes detailing all the accounts she has with the balance at the time the note was written. In total the balance was £61k.

As you can imagine my mind blew, how did she accumulate this? The £29k account was setup a year after our marriage!. I had to confront her but I couldn't bring out all this evidence without potentially ruining our relationship so I decided to 'enquire'. So one night when we were in bed I asked her what the letter was about and she said it was just junk mail, I pushed her and mentioned the other 2 letters she had the week before. She denied they ever existed and still does to this day. I asked her if she has any savings accounts she hasn't told me about, she replied no.

This has really thrown me, to my knowledge she's never lied to me but this was an outright lie to my face and has me questioning everything to the point where I'm questioning whether it really was her ex that cheated.

So this happened in August and in November I finally went to her with the evidence and she admitted that she had savings account with that amount (£29k) for the kids. She didn't tell me because she was afraid I'd want to spend it. (I earn a nice salary and have my own savings so not sure why she thought that). She still hasn't admitted to the other £30k though and I haven't pressed it as it's not really important to me right now. There was a time when I was going to quit my job and go self employed and she offered to support us (she couldn't without savings) so I'm thinking she'd use her savings for the good of the family when needed.

So my reason for this post...fast forward to last Friday. She works at a hospital in a specialist role and spends most of her day working closely with doctors and patients. Dress code is office based attire and she rarely dresses up keeping it professional. Today though she's dressed in a new long dress, knee high boots and has long dropping curls in her hair that she set overnight (she usually does this for weddings). She looks amazing and I commented why she was dressed up, she said is was 'own clothes day' (we call it Mufty day in the UK). I dropped her to the hospital in the morning and as she was closing the door she mentioned something about maybe she'd go to the work party in the night.

I drove home (I work from home) and asked her by text about what she said... she said it was a joke. I actually found out from her texts this week that she met up with a work colleague for lunch. I'm concerned that she dressed up for him. She hasn't mentioned a work lunch, not before or since.

This work colleague is a doctor who she says is her 'favorite' (she works with a few of them) and that they're like brother and sister. There have been other times they've gone out for lunch that I know about, these times have been with others in the team but this is the first time she's not told me about it and has done something special with her hair. They did go to a conference together with 2 other doctors (woman and man) who are part of the same work group and I've seen messages about missing breakfast, lunch and dinner with each other. I'm 99% sure nothing happened on that trip (Milan) and I'm 99% confident that she's not cheated on me but this lunch date and the messages from her to him ending in xxx or 😘 or 🧡 have me wondering if it's anything more.

Ok that's a lot to read and take in.. am I being silly?

Thanks
Matt


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

reetooo said:


> Ok so this is a complicated one which I'll try and simplify.
> 
> Based in the UK my wife and I met later in our lives (32 and 37 respectively) and got married in 2016. Both from broken relationships (marriage in her case) we had both been cheated on by our respective partners and vowed never to do that to one another. We would be truthful to each other even if the truth hurt and this has served us well. My wife is a beautiful British born Asian and apart from a couple of instances of jealousy on my part when she goes out on the town on her own we've had a very trusting relationship. Deep down I know she wouldn't do anything to hurt me because she's seen it from the other side right? and vice versa.
> 
> ...


Well ****.

You're not wrong. At the bare minimum, your wife is lying to you. Which of course puts a cloud over everything else she does. How much lying is she doing exactly is the quesiton.




reetooo said:


> We would be truthful to each other even if the truth hurt


Now you know this 'vow' is not being kept. It's safe to say others are at risk.



reetooo said:


> Deep down I know she wouldn't do anything to hurt me because she's seen it from the other side right?


This ^^^^ is bad logic. Do not assume this to be true.

I would personally go on full snoop mode and find out what's going on. Hire a PI to help if you can't be there. I wouldn't trust those actions you describe when you add it to the other red flags.

And where is she getting her money from so quickly? Maybe she's playing the stock market. Or who knows? But there's also this... You might not want to hear it, but there are very fast ways for women to make money. And you wouldn't be the first to be blindsided by it.

Stay quiet start checking everything she does and who it is with.


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> But there's also this... You might not want to hear it, but there are very fast ways for women to make money. And you wouldn't be the first to be blindsided by it.


This has also crossed my mind but being a catholic girl (we go to church every Sunday and she works as a catechist) I find it hard to believe she would do that. Perhaps at a stretch she did it before we met but not since, we're a very close family and do everything together. There's not much opportunity for her to do that. We also have findmyfriends so can find each others location at any time, granted she could leave her phone at work while she's playing around. I don't think she's done any PA but how close to EA is she.

I just asked my 18 year old daughter what she would consider a no no as far as emoticons go. She said signing off with a x is ok, xx is ok too but xxx or 😘 or 🧡 is a bit iffy.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

reetooo said:


> This has also crossed my mind but being a catholic girl (we go to church every Sunday and she works as a catechist) I find it hard to believe she would do that. Perhaps at a stretch she did it before we met but not since, we're a very close family and do everything together. There's not much opportunity for her to do that. We also have findmyfriends so can find each others location at any time, granted she could leave her phone at work while she's playing around. I don't think she's done any PA but how close to EA is she.
> 
> I just asked my 18 year old daughter what she would consider a no no as far as emoticons go. She said signing off with a x is ok, xx is ok too but xxx or 😘 or 🧡 is a bit iffy.


You have got to get yourself out f the mindset of "she wouldn't do that".

Spend some time on TAM and you'll see that people _are _capable. And many many spouses come here saying "My situation is different because <whatever>". And then the other shoe drops and they come back saying "You were all right  "

I'm not saying she has crossed lines or is PA/EA or anything else. I AM saying to adjust your mindset or you will get hit hard when you find out the truth. And if the truth is all good...then you can be that much more dedicated to her going forward.

So... same advice.

Shut up and start digging. I personally think she's up to no good with this office guy and is going to (or already has) gone into a PA.

Watch her actions, don't listen to her words. You already know she is lying.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

So....Catholics don't cheat? You already know she lies, she's broken your trust and still hasn't come clean about the other 30k. You found suspicious texts from a "friend" her "favorite" doctor who she met for lunch, oh and this...


reetooo said:


> There's not much opportunity for her to do that.


Where there's a will, there's a way. Didn't you learn anything from your past relationship?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

reetooo said:


> This work colleague is a doctor who she says is her 'favorite' (she works with a few of them) and that they're like brother and sister.


This is almost ALWAYS BS -- like they are trying to create a baseline of "see, it's innocent" if ever caught.
The fact that she is lying to you about a NUMBER of things is very telling.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She’s making plans to dump you buddy and you are too blind to see it. She’s got plenty of savings hidden away and now she’s got a wealthy boyfriend. 
Can you not see this?


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Spend some time on TAM and you'll see that people _are _capable. And many many spouses come here saying "My situation is different because <whatever>". And then the other shoe drops and they come back saying "You were all right  "


True. I have taken a step back and am watching since November. I've not mentioned to her I know she had lunch with him, even though I want to shout it out!


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

Andy1001 said:


> She’s making plans to dump you buddy and you are too blind to see it. She’s got plenty of savings hidden away and now she’s got a wealthy boyfriend.
> Can you not see this?


That too crossed my mind and might be the case. If that's what she wants to do then fine but I'm not feeling any distance from her.. she's still very much committed to me. Surely if something was going on I'd feel that she's pulling away.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

So you pay the mortgage so she's got a **** ton of money in a secret account saved.

Total transparency with accounts, right now. 

Or counseling will happen ASAP.


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

Livvie said:


> So you pay the mortgage so she's got a **** ton of money in a secret account saved.
> 
> Total transparency with accounts, right now.
> 
> Or counseling will happen ASAP.


She made me feel like I was the one in the wrong for snooping on her finances! She brings up her past as a way to explain why she kept it a secret.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

reetooo said:


> Surely if something was going on I'd feel


Don't count on this ^^^


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

reetooo said:


> She made me feel like I was the one in the wrong for snooping on her finances! She brings up her past as a way to explain why she kept it a secret.


Another red flag.

Some people want their privacy, even from a spouse. Ok, I get that. But keeping secrets? And then blameshifting?

Nope.


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## Married12years (11 mo ago)

reetooo said:


> Ok so this is a complicated one which I'll try and simplify.
> 
> Based in the UK my wife and I met later in our lives (32 and 37 respectively) and got married in 2016. Both from broken relationships (marriage in her case) we had both been cheated on by our respective partners and vowed never to do that to one another. We would be truthful to each other even if the truth hurt and this has served us well. My wife is a beautiful British born Asian and apart from a couple of instances of jealousy on my part when she goes out on the town on her own we've had a very trusting relationship. Deep down I know she wouldn't do anything to hurt me because she's seen it from the other side right? and vice versa.
> 
> ...


Damn I knew where this was going when you started the last paragraph. She's been thinking about this Dr a lot. This is your main concern. She prepped to see him the night before and didn't tell you and even told you she might be out late. If it was above board she would have told you. Us married grown ups don't establish other sex relationships as "brother and sister". They went out if town on a business trip, this is when most cheating begins EA OR PA. The spouse isn't there and they are free. You trust her 99%. She's lying to you or at least not telling you things about him I promise you that. Hospital's workers spend a lot of time together and unfortunately theres a lot cheating among that industry. Keep your mouth shut and keep your eyes and ears open. Get a PI office affairs are the hardest to discover. Lunch dates will give them away. Good luck my friend


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This is what I would do.

I would not reveal you know anything more than you already told her. Keep the rest quiet.

That said, I think it's totally fair for you to sit her down and tell you why you are troubled. That this 29K savings was a big lie, and that given your vows to each other about hiding/lying/cheating given your past, you can't help but feel dark about your relationship. Offer her a way out. Tell her that you can't go through that again, and if she wants to end the marriage, just say so now. Ask her to give you the courtesy and grace, and if she wants to leave the relationship, you'll respect that decision, but that you cannot accept lies.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

But privately, I think you are in trouble. Nobody hides a 61K account unless they have plans for it that doesn't involve you.

She very well may be planning her exit, and needs some savings.

I NEVER have understood the separate finances thing in marriages. It's just wrong, IMO.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

reetooo said:


> She made me feel like I was the one in the wrong for snooping on her finances! She brings up her past as a way to explain why she kept it a secret.


I would have a serious sit down with her. You both have a past history that makes you sensitive and triggered by less than honest partners and she is engaging in that kind of activity. If she can't understand why you would feel the way you do then there is a serious issue unfolding in front of you.


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## lmucamac (4 mo ago)

As I was read this, I was originally thinking this is a smart woman having a small nest egg of her own. As I continued to read, my thoughts changed. There are many reasons for her to have $$ you don’t know about. However, since you confrnoted her, there’s no reason for her not to be upfront with you.

She’s lied to you. Her behavior has changed. She’s not being open and honest with you. It’s time to do I little more snooping. As others have mentioned her being catholic, has nothing to do with the situation. Go with your gut feeling, somethings not right.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

lmucamac said:


> As I was read this, I was originally thinking this is a smart woman having a small nest egg of her own. As I continued to read, my thoughts changed. There are many reasons for her to have $$ you don’t know about. However, since you confrnoted her, there’s no reason for her not to be upfront with you.
> 
> She’s lied to you. Her behavior has changed. She’s not being open and honest with you. It’s time to do I little more snooping. As others have mentioned her being catholic, has nothing to do with the situation. Go with your gut feeling, somethings not right.


My thoughts exactly, 100%.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You mention that you don't want to ''ruin the relationship'' by revealing that you know about these letters/accounts. But, she is ruining it, but lying to you, and covering up accounts. You have to find the courage and time to address these things, but of course, she could continue lying. ''Oh, I was saving all this money to surprise you someday.''

I don't know if there's another man in the picture, but you should discuss with her what you know. If she gets upset, who cares. It's very common for liars to get upset and blame the people they lie to, for ''not trusting them,'' etc.

It's sad that this is happening to you. Hopefully, your wife isn't attempting to leave, but because she was betrayed before, she may be stashing money away in case the marriage goes south, and wants to leave.


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

When we discussed it back in November instead of admitting she lied outright to me all she could say was why are you snooping on me. And now every little tiff we have she'll bring up "oh are you going to snoop on me now".


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You found a "screenshot" of your wife's bank account on her phone?


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

*Deidre* said:


> It's sad that this is happening to you. Hopefully, your wife isn't attempting to leave, but because she was betrayed before, she may be stashing money away in case the marriage goes south, wants to leave.


This is what I believe she's doing. Just before we got married there was an altercation with my daughter from another relationship. My daughter was upset and blamed my fiance, made up some stories about her which turned out to be untrue but at the time I sided with my daughter. This worries her as she thinks the next time I might leave.


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

In Absentia said:


> You found a screenshot of your wife's bank account on her phone?


Yes. One of the account she was closing and one of the account she was moving it to.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

reetooo said:


> Yes. One of the account she was closing and one of the account she was moving it to.


Why would she take a screenshot? I just find it rather bizarre.


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

In Absentia said:


> Why would she take a screenshot? I just find it rather bizarre.


This is normal for her, she screenshots everything she does.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

reetooo said:


> This is what I believe she's doing. Just before we got married there was an altercation with my daughter from another relationship. My daughter was upset and blamed my fiance, made up some stories about her which turned out to be untrue but at the time I sided with my daughter. This worries her as she thinks the next time I might leave.


Even if she is doing it out of fear, she should talk to you about it, especially since the one account was already brought up.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

reetooo said:


> This is normal for her, she screenshots everything she does.


Not a good way of hiding what you are doing...


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Even if she is doing it out of fear, she should talk to you about it, especially since the one account was already brought up.


This is what I don't understand. I've never given her reason to mistrust me with money, I have no vices we buy things together. I told her, imagine you died and I find out later you had all this money hidden away.. can you imagine how I'd feel without an explanation of where it came from or why you never told me... she had no response.


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

I should also disclose I have an old phone of hers which is still connected to icloud. The imessages on it update but unfortunately whatsapp doesn't 

I can however see all the photos she takes and have found nothing suspicious.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@reetooo 
there are different forces playing and all of them point to one thing: your relationship in trouble because of someone else

1- hiding money from a spouse is a sin and a big No No. she knows that you know that and everyone knows. only reason someone would hide money from their spouse - 1| they are planning on leaving 2| feeling insecure 

2- my biggest worry is that she might be cheating on you and you still have that full trust (despite hiding money). I came from healthcare field and physical and emotional affairs always always happens with Doctors or some kind leadership. her dressing up, her going to lunch, her going to work conference (yes she is cheating physically and emotionally) 

I've seen it with my own eyes, married people in healthcare cheating - you would not even think that someone would cheat on their spouse. I swear I worked with this woman who posted daily on facebook pictures with her husband - how he is good, how he takes on date nights, how he made several gifts and their travel together, pictures of them with their kids. they look like the perfect family. at work she talked about how could married spouses go party and drink with their friends while leaving their spouses at home..... we found out later she was cheating with a nurse manager on her husband and ended up getting divorced. she was so embarrassed she left her job


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Double post.


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

blackclover3 said:


> @reetooo
> there are different forces playing and all of them point to one thing: your relationship in trouble because of someone else
> 
> 1- hiding money from a spouse is a sin and a big No No. she knows that you know that and everyone knows. only reason someone would hide money from their spouse - 1| they are planning on leaving 2| feeling insecure
> ...


I too have heard about cheating in healthcare, I've even mentioned it to her in the past when she's talked about him and she says rubbish!. I even got together with a colleague when my last relationship ended so know about how things develop. I'm certainly not blind to the possible fact that she's cheating or has cheated, most people are weak when it comes to sex. I just choose to believe I haven't made the same mistake again but this time married them! I choose to give her the benefit of doubt until I can get some solid proof.

Her phone to date hasn't given me proof of cheating, no messages on imessage or whatsapp (on the new phone) so far. She has now however changed her password as she doesn't trust me not to look.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

reetooo said:


> I too have heard about cheating in healthcare, I've even mentioned it to her in the past when she's talked about him and she says rubbish!. I even got together with a colleague when my last relationship ended so know about how things develop. I'm certainly not blind to the possible fact that she's cheating or has cheated, most people are weak when it comes to sex. I just choose to believe I haven't made the same mistake again but this time married them! I choose to give her the benefit of doubt until I can get some solid proof.
> 
> Her phone to date hasn't given me proof of cheating, no messages on imessage or whatsapp (on the new phone) so far. She has now however changed her password as she doesn't trust me not to look.


have you guys ever discussed your previous cheating relationship and how you found out?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

reetooo said:


> I choose to give her the benefit of doubt until I can get some solid proof.


The benefit of the doubt...yes.
Believe she's not capable? no way.

And now she's changed passwords to keep your eyes out.

The red flags just keep on coming.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

remember there are two brains here working hard possibly to cover cheating, your wife and her partner. this is 2 against 1


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

blackclover3 said:


> have you guys ever discussed your previous cheating relationship and how you found out?


Oh yes, she's told me all about her last relationship. It was pretty ****ed up to be fair. He was into some very strange cuckold stuff and would try and get her to screw around on him. She says she never did but in the end he was having an affair while her new born son was sick in hospital. It's really scarred her which makes it very difficult to believe she would do the same to someone she claims to love.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Since you have Seperate finances, you could hire a PI without your wife noticing the money you paid him/her missing. You definitely have cause for concern. Now you need to find out if that concern is warranted or not.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

my ask is , have you discussed how your ex cheated on you and told her about the methods of how you found out?


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

blackclover3 said:


> remember there are two brains here working hard possibly to cover cheating, your wife and her partner. this is 2 against 1


And don't forget OPs unwillingness to believe it....


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

Tested_by_stress said:


> Since you have Seperate finances, you could hire a PI without your wife noticing the money you paid him/her missing. You definitely have cause for concern. Now you need to find out if that concern is warranted or not.


True. She did this to her last husband.. it didn't end well. The PI was awful, her husband knew he was tailing him. As I said before though, we're very close. I drop her off and pick her up from the hospital, she doesn't go out on her own unless it's with her friends and those times I drop them all off. I do most of the driving at the moment as it's a new EV and she's not comfortable driving it. But even when she's driving, I know where she is and she's never somewhere that she could be with him. She'd go to the gym and come straight back.

The only place this could happen is at work or when she does these conferences and most of the conferences I've been with her. Milan is the 1 place she went with him and others. He's also married and not good looking at all, if you saw my wife you'd never put them together.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

OP, sorry to break it to you, but you are very naive.

Her previous relationship, she did exactly what her husband wanted her to. She likely loves the rush of getting attention from other men. The work trip, secret lunches, lying about money (she never even admitted to the 30k account right, just the 29k account right?)... she is deceitful to you.

Complaining about snooping... classic deflection and counter accusation.

Sorry but you have a cheater on your hands. Just the deceit you already know about should be grounds for divorce.


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

blackclover3 said:


> my ask is , have you discussed how your ex cheated on you and told her about the methods of how you found out?


My ex was very upfront about it. She wanted an open relationship and wouldn't take no for an answer so I ended it. But she thinks I have the knowhow and means to find out anything I want, she thinks she's under surveillance but I've dumbed down my abilities a bit and just told her she left her phone open and I put 1 and 1 together.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

reetooo said:


> True. She did this to her last husband.. it didn't end well. The PI was awful, her husband knew he was tailing him. As I said before though, we're very close. I drop her off and pick her up from the hospital, she doesn't go out on her own unless it's with her friends and those times I drop them all off. I do most of the driving at the moment as it's a new EV and she's not comfortable driving it. But even when she's driving, I know where she is and she's never somewhere that she could be with him. She'd go to the gym and come straight back.
> 
> The only place this could happen is at work or when she does these conferences and most of the conferences I've been with her. Milan is the 1 place she went with him and others. He's also married and not good looking at all, if you saw my wife you'd never put them together.


If he has more money, power, and influence or either one than you then it is not about the look my friend. 
sometimes it is more about powerful friend with benefits, moving up the ladder. 
he might even given her money


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

meant to ask, how is your sex life, has it change to the worse or better? any new moves she asked for


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

re16 said:


> OP, sorry to break it to you, but you are very naive.
> 
> Her previous relationship, she did exactly what her husband wanted her to. She likely loves the rush of getting attention from other men. The work trip, secret lunches, lying about money (she never even admitted to the 30k account right, just the 29k account right?)... she is deceitful to you.
> 
> ...


Yes I've thought about this too. Oh and one more thing I saw on her messages from her ex during an argument where she was threatening to tell his new wife about him screwing her while he was dating his new wife.. he said "go on then, and I'll tell Matt what a ***** you are" to which she replied "*****?? nonsense!".

A previous email to her first boyfriend when we started going out, he said about me "You've got a keeper, so don't shag about on him, ok?" This comment keeps repeating in my head.. why would he say that??


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

blackclover3 said:


> meant to ask, how is your sex life, has it change to the worse or better? any new moves she asked for


I have to admit it's got worse since this stress.. I'm finding I can't perform some times. We do still have some amazing sex when we're without the kids in the house or staying at a hotel but I have been complaining to her that it's not enough which she thinks is me saying she's not enough.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

reetooo said:


> Yes I've thought about this too. Oh and one more thing I saw on her messages from her ex during an argument where she was threatening to tell his new wife about him screwing her while he was dating his new wife.. he said "go on then, and I'll tell Matt what a *** you are" to which she replied "***?? nonsense!".
> 
> A previous email to her first boyfriend when we started going out, he said about me "You've got a keeper, so don't shag about on him, ok?" This comment keeps repeating in my head.. why would he say that??


Was that while you were together with her?

What did you do about that when you saw that?

I think the writing is on the wall that you need to dump this woman before you end up with a disease.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

reetooo said:


> True. I have taken a step back and am watching since November. I've not mentioned to her I know she had lunch with him, even though I want to shout it out!


Do you know where they had lunch and what they “ate”? You are aware medical profession is hot bed of infidelity. Maybe Dr is helping her with expenses for services rendered


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

blackclover3 said:


> If he has more money, power, and influence or either one than you then it is not about the look my friend.
> sometimes it is more about powerful friend with benefits, moving up the ladder.
> he might even given her money


hmm.. he has no control over the trajectory of her career and I would say I'm more successful than him and certainly better looking. I need to find out for sure and put this to bed (pardon the pun)


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

so let me get this

your sex life decreased, she is making an excuse that its your fault because you think she is not enough. she has a history of cheating (guys wouldnt say that unless she did cheat)

Bro, Bro, Brooooooo


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

Rus47 said:


> Do you know where they had lunch and what they “ate”? You are aware medical profession is hot bed of infidelity. Maybe Dr is helping her with expenses for services rendered


No I haven't mentioned it but am thinking about saying something. Not sure how to word it without her thinking I've checked her phone.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

reetooo said:


> "You've got a keeper, so don't shag about on him, ok?" This comment keeps repeating in my head.. why would he say that??


Maybe....just maybe....she cheated on him? Guys don't usually say **** like that in private conversations with their ex unless it happened.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

reetooo said:


> He's also married and not good looking at all, if you saw my wife you'd never put them together.


Hmmm.... does the phrase "if I had a dime for every time I heard that, I'd be a millionaire" mean anything to you?

Seriously, between this and other things, you seriously need to get your head out of your ass.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

I would be more concerned about her getting all dolled up to go to work. 

Who is she trying to impress

She's already lied to you about the money.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

reetooo said:


> He's also married and not good looking at all,


The first is irrelevant. The second is his outward appearance. You have no idea what he may have that would be attractive to your wife. Large wallet, large whatever…

You know there are plenty of places at medical facility and plenty of time for fun. The trips out of town are just icing on the cake


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Many people affair down in looks. This is especially true when their self esteem is low - they feel they aren't good enough so they find someone a little lower on the food chain.

OP, I don't know if your wife is cheating or not. But my bet is that she's at least thinking about it, and also has one foot out the door with this money.

Now she's locked her phone.

You are on a website full of people who have been cheated on. We are extra sensitive and knowledgeable about this stuff. But at the same time, we sometimes can invent things that aren't there too. I think you need a serious sit down with your wife, like I originally suggested.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

reetooo said:


> True. I have taken a step back and am watching since November. I've not mentioned to her I know she had lunch with him, even though I want to shout it out!


Don't.

Don't whisper, don't shout it out.

Mumble, secretly to yourself.

Her getting all dolled up for her luncheon with her Doctor chest-mate, the hidden savings and those trips...away.
The overnight trips to conferences, are all opportunities to cheat.

She does not have a lying poker face, she has one, seen smiling.

She is cool and quiet, so very calculating.
Just the type to get away with murder.

She will be let down by that doctor, after he is finished with her.
He knows.......she cannot be trusted.

And now, so do you.


Secretly, keep with that snooping, please prove us, all wrong.

I say Mate, your picker is flawed, her picker is spot-on.

You want loyalty, she wants royalty, the royal treatment.
She wants all the perks, the extra pecks on her cheek.

She is not in it for the long haul, unless the haul is in cash and in lively entertainment.

She loves to be indulged, and she is.
By two men; one, a rich tool, the other a mid level fool.

What could be better?

The next step up in her life.
So, she thinks.

Rubbish.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

reetooo said:


> She made me feel like I was the one in the wrong for snooping on her finances! She brings up her past as a way to explain why she kept it a secret.


Which may be the case.
She left her last relationship, flat broke and in debt.

Could she be worried, her present relationship will fail?
Or, could she be hiding money because she knows it is going to fail.

She may be ready to dump you, to take her hidden money, get back on her feet, and enjoy dating others.
Others, might be the Doctor Mate, provided, he will have her.

He was said to be, not good looking, so he may be desperate for a beauty, even a cheater.

This is all speculation, let it play out, quietly and without any suspicion-drawing, interference.

Carry on.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

reetooo said:


> True. She did this to her last husband.. it didn't end well. The PI was awful, her husband knew he was tailing him. As I said before though, we're very close. I drop her off and pick her up from the hospital, she doesn't go out on her own unless it's with her friends and those times I drop them all off. I do most of the driving at the moment as it's a new EV and she's not comfortable driving it. But even when she's driving, I know where she is and she's never somewhere that she could be with him. She'd go to the gym and come straight back.
> 
> The only place this could happen is at work or when she does these conferences and most of the conferences I've been with her. Milan is the 1 place she went with him and others. He's also married and not good looking at all, if you saw my wife you'd never put them together.


OP, where there is a will there is a way. We've heard about spouses taking personal leave to sleep with their AP during the day, taking long lunches, etc. She might not have actually worked on the day she got all dolled up. I don't remember, do you share phone locations services?

Listen, it might be nothing but there are some major red flags here, and she knows better. Yet she still lies to you. A VAR in the car is often successful, if she drives herself enough then you might want to put one in her car in case she talks while driving. Same goes for a room in the house you think she might be having a conversation in while you are not around. Finally, do an exhaustive search for a burner phone.

And tell her that you insist on an open phone policy, for both of you. Shared passwords are expected in a marriage, you give her yours and she gives you hers, not negotiable. If not, then what is she hiding? Good luck.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

What's with hiding all that money though? Wow.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

reetooo said:


> She made me feel like I was the one in the wrong for snooping on her finances! She brings up her past as a way to explain why she kept it a secret.


And you can say well because of MY past, that's why this is suspicious. Ask if any OTHER accounts you should know about? Remember the full truth no matter what?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@reetooo Where did the £61k come from?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @reetooo Where did the £61k come from?


On this:

1) Someone asked if she were selling favors (prostitution).
He said, _maybe earlier in her life_, but not now.
That was an eye opening remark, eh?

2) All her time now is pretty much accountable.

3) OP said that only 29K pounds are traceable, I believe?


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## Real talk (Apr 13, 2017)

What I've learned from my simp days a long time ago is that you *never* want to not address something due to not wanting to ruin the relationship.

If the relationship was that fragile in the first place then it's not meant to be. If you're fearful of that reality, then you need to work on yourself and take control of the situation so you can be okay with it ending and walk away with your head held high.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

reetoo



BeyondRepair007 said:


> Well ****.
> 
> You're not wrong. At the bare minimum, your wife is lying to you. Which of course puts a cloud _over everything else she does_. How much lying is she doing exactly is the quesiton.





reetooo said:


> This is what I don't understand. I've never given her reason to mistrust me with money, I have no vices we buy things together. I told her, imagine you died and I find out later you had all this money hidden away.. can you imagine how I'd feel without an explanation of where it came from or why you never told me... _she had no response_.


*Italics - mine*

OP - there is a thread here or on another similar web-site where the "trusted spouse" was "shagging" a doctor in a room in the hospital set aside for staff to use to rest - furnished with beds. Wifey had an offspring by doctor and hubby finds out - 50 years later! (When he was talking about gifting his paternity-fraud son a 23&Me DNA kit)

"Still waters run deep"


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

reetooo said:


> Ok so this is a complicated one which I'll try and simplify.
> 
> Based in the UK my wife and I met later in our lives (32 and 37 respectively) and got married in 2016. Both from broken relationships (marriage in her case) we had both been cheated on by our respective partners and vowed never to do that to one another. We would be truthful to each other even if the truth hurt and this has served us well. My wife is a beautiful British born Asian and apart from a couple of instances of jealousy on my part when she goes out on the town on her own we've had a very trusting relationship. Deep down I know she wouldn't do anything to hurt me because she's seen it from the other side right? and vice versa.
> 
> ...


There are so many red flags in your post that they must be slapping you in your face.
These so-called good religious Christian women have bad reputations for infidelity.
You already know and have proof that your wife lied about the bank accounts, so how can you believe anything she tells you?
It would be wise to keep a discrete sharp eye on all her activities because judging by what you`ve explained a lot appears off here.


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

Hi All, sorry for disappearing yesterday. It was evening in the UK and the family was home which made it difficult to reply.

You all gave me so much food for thought yesterday, some which was helpful and some not so helpful which put me in a strange mood when the wife got home. Unfortunately I wear my heart on my sleeve and find it very difficult to fake a positive emotion when I'm feeling down. She noticed this (as she has done many times over the last year) and when we got to bed she asked me very calmly what was wrong and I just had to say.

I have been feeling down for much of the last year due to many things, some unrelated to her and you could say that the money lie thing was the straw that broke the camels back because it called into question her character which until now has been exemplary. After a previous disaster of a relationship which lasted 10 years I'd finally found someone with the same values as I who I believe would never hurt me like my ex.

I explained to her that I was finding it hard to trust her since she lied about having the money and that I felt if she could lie to my face about that then what's to stop her lying about other things. She said she understood my concerns and apologized for lying. Her reasons were as I thought, she was left with nothing when her husband left her. Two young children, a mortgage and thousands of pounds of debt he incurred in her name. It was a very low time for her and not one she wants to go through again.. It's a safety blanket for her and her children if ever I left her... I accept this. As to why she never told me, simply because she was forced into giving her ex savings for him to then blow it at the betting shop or on his extra marital affair.

Regarding the amount of money she has accumulated.. she says this has been accumulated over 14 years, mostly from working as a PT, selling her flat etc. I accept this too.

I also questioned her about the lunch date on Friday which she 'dressed up' for and the photograph of her and this doctor at lunch in Milan 3 years ago. To the first she said it was a team lunch with 3 other women (they work in teams) at a local restaurant. This checks out as I've witnessed previous lunches over the last 6 years with the same team members and that she always wears dresses to work when she's in the office (this is true). Her hair though for me was a concern and was the reason I was suspicious, she said she just fancied a change and will likely wear it the same way on her last day in the office before Christmas. Regarding Milan, the photo in question she showed me 3 years ago which at the time I found strange but since I trusted her I never commented on it. It was a photo during the day of her and the doctor having just finished lunch, someone else took the photo. She says it was another person from their party, so three people at that lunch.

I have to say that this particular photo worries me. From memory it looked like the table was made for only 2 people but half of the 4 seater table was cut out so I can't tell if there's another place setting. It was getting late so I let this pass but I have asked to look at the photo again and try to get an explanation for that. I want to believe her but I have a very suspicious mind and unless I can see proof there was 3 people there this will remain a sticking point. I also want to read the messages back and forth between him and her, we will do this together tonight and before someone says "well she can delete the messages" - if she does this I will know.

So, at the end of our long conversation into the late hours of the night and then again early in the morning (this one was very emotional) we agreed the following:

Complete financial transparency - We compile a spreadsheet of all our accounts and balances.
Complete comms transparency - Full access to each others phones (she actually didn't change her phone password, I was mistaken). This includes business phones too.
I still have my concerns about cheating, she has tried to put my mind at rest and has said that never in a million years would she cheat on me or anyone, she's just not wired that way. She even swore on her children (something she's never done before) that nothing is happening with him or anyone else and if he ever tried it she would end the friendship instantly. Maybe she's playing me for a fool, I don't think she is. My guard is up but I won't let my overthinking ruin a good thing.

I'm sure I'll get some responses saying I'm a fool, that she's playing me etc etc. maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong but you don't know her. Not every woman cheats, yes she's made some mistakes and maybe even some lapse in judgement but I have to believe she's taken our vows seriously.

I appreciate all your insights and advice, I have listened and will keep all in mind as we try to repair our relationship.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Sounds like a very positive conversation, OP, and I hope that puts your mind at ease once you review the picture again and the texts. 

I'm sure you also know that everything she said to you last night and this morning has been said by many cheaters over the years, including the bit about swearing on her children -- that's right out of the cheater's handbook, but it could also be nothing more than an honest woman trying to convince you she wouldn't do that to you.

I think all that's left for you to do at this point is to review the texts and picture, hold her to her promise of open devices and financial transparency, and then "eyes open mouth shut" for a bit. But for your own mental health, the goal needs to be to get back to a place where you can trust her again, and that's up to her to show you she can be trusted and up to you as well, in that some degree of a leap of faith will be required. You will just be a bit less naive that your relationship is perfect in the future, and will handle any further red flags if they pop up. Hang in there.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

reetooo said:


> Hi All, sorry for disappearing yesterday. It was evening in the UK and the family was home which made it difficult to reply.
> 
> You all gave me so much food for thought yesterday, some which was helpful and some not so helpful which put me in a strange mood when the wife got home. Unfortunately I wear my heart on my sleeve and find it very difficult to fake a positive emotion when I'm feeling down. She noticed this (as she has done many times over the last year) and when we got to bed she asked me very calmly what was wrong and I just had to say.
> 
> ...


This is a difficult situation and confusing indeed - how was her response do you feel made up, hesitated and the look on her face? did you deflect back by saying " oh you dont trust me" " or it is ok to have friends" " you can trust Dr.." or " something about privacy"

I see why she would hide the money, and that's a valid reason unfortunately since she was divorced and as you say/verified her Ex did really cheat on her and spent her money. I honestly would do the same if it was my second marriage. I think she has trauma and anxiety from her previous marriage being left without money and two kids. 

as far as her dates - I feel she is lying and there is more to the story. if she can't show you the pictures of the other people around the table then differently she is lying. I go to business lunches, friends lunches, and business partners, and when we took photos I take them with individuals and the group around me (it would be rude not to). Maybe she one night stands or maybe he is F buddy and she has no feelings for him but the excitement they both get. if you put yourself in her shoes and have someone on the side wouldn't you always play your answers in case you get caught?

if she can prove there were people around the table, then less likely she cheated - but still cant see why she would take this kind of photo with him. as far as dressing/hair and going to lunch with others, I really doubt it there were others. how will you verify?

mostly often people who cheat and have an F buddy don't communicate over the phone because there is no emotion involved since also they work together and travel together.


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

Exit37 said:


> Sounds like a very positive conversation, OP, and I hope that puts your mind at ease once you review the picture again and the texts.
> 
> I'm sure you also know that everything she said to you last night and this morning has been said by many cheaters over the years, including the bit about swearing on her children -- that's right out of the cheater's handbook, but it could also be nothing more than an honest woman trying to convince you she wouldn't do that to you.
> 
> I think all that's left for you to do at this point is to review the texts and picture, hold her to her promise of open devices and financial transparency, and then "eyes open mouth shut" for a bit. But for your own mental health, the goal needs to be to get back to a place where you can trust her again, and that's up to her to show you she can be trusted and up to you as well, in that some degree of a leap of faith will be required. You will just be a bit less naive that your relationship is perfect in the future, and will handle any further red flags if they pop up. Hang in there.


Thanks for this. I appreciate the comment, it's made a difference. I'm well aware of the cheaters handbook, I came from a broken home (mum cheated on dad) so have lived it. I've never really been naïve about these things (I hope I don't come across as such in my messages), maybe that's why for the last year I've been looking for something wrong as it all appeared too good to be true. Stirred up a hornets nest there!

It felt like like an honest woman trying to convince me she was faithful but I guess we'll see what the future brings. As you say "eyes open mouth shut" from now on.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

reetooo said:


> Hi All, sorry for disappearing yesterday. It was evening in the UK and the family was home which made it difficult to reply.
> 
> You all gave me so much food for thought yesterday, some which was helpful and some not so helpful which put me in a strange mood when the wife got home. Unfortunately I wear my heart on my sleeve and find it very difficult to fake a positive emotion when I'm feeling down. She noticed this (as she has done many times over the last year) and when we got to bed she asked me very calmly what was wrong and I just had to say.
> 
> ...


Okey dokey, ere we go then.
My now second wife and I have been married for 34 years, we have joint bank accounts both here in Thailand and in the UK and a sole bank account each and we trust each other.
In our home we have a small floor safe where we keep our bank books and statements, both of us have a key to that safe.
My first wife dumped me after 7 years of marriage and 2 kids later for a lover and put me through an horrendous divorce.
Met my present wife 8 years later and I did not carry the trauma from my first marriage as an overflow to my second marriage, because I wouldn`t want to live in a constant state of mistrust with the first marriage still hanging over me and this is what your wife must do because if your marriage cannot be based on absolute trust, than there is no point in staying together.
Explain to your wife there cannot be any secrets between you and suggest that all bank books and statements be kept in the home with both of you having access to them.
If she still feels insecure offer to have a post-nup agreement.
Whatever it cannot continue on like this and if your wife still insists in keeping her personal assets private from you than you have to decide your way forward from there.
I also suggest going for marriage counseling because obviously a lot has to change.
Think about it.


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

blackclover3 said:


> This is a difficult situation and confusing indeed - how was her response do you feel made up, hesitated and the look on her face? did you deflect back by saying " oh you dont trust me" " or it is ok to have friends" " you can trust Dr.." or " something about privacy"


She made no comment about her privacy. Looked me dead in the eye when she said the relationship with him was purely friendship. I commented that guys always have sex in the back of the mind and she said if he ever crossed the line then the friendship would be over. All they talk about is work and their families.


blackclover3 said:


> I see why she would hide the money, and that's a valid reason unfortunately since she was divorced and as you say/verified her Ex did really cheat on her and spent her money. I honestly would do the same if it was my second marriage. I think she has trauma and anxiety from her previous marriage being left without money and two kids.


Definitely has trauma regarding this. He broke her and bringing it up last night brought it all back to her.


blackclover3 said:


> as far as her dates - I feel she is lying and there is more to the story. if she can't show you the pictures of the other people around the table then differently she is lying. I go to business lunches, friends lunches, and business partners, and when we took photos I take them with individuals and the group around me (it would be rude not to). Maybe she one night stands or maybe he is F buddy and she has no feelings for him but the excitement they both get. if you put yourself in her shoes and have someone on the side wouldn't you always play your answers in case you get caught?


Regrettably I also feel there is more to this story. I feel perhaps it was just them and she doesn't want to say because she knows how it looks. Further discussion is needed on this point.


blackclover3 said:


> if she can prove there were people around the table, then less likely she cheated - but still cant see why she would take this kind of photo with him. as far as dressing/hair and going to lunch with others, I really doubt it there were others. how will you verify?


In Milan I know there were 2 others (there's a photo with all 4 having gelato). 1 left early, leaving 3 of them. It's plausible that this 3rd wheel took the photo but I'm not 100% convinced. The lunch last Friday, well I need to think about that. I could ask one of the others she claims was there.


blackclover3 said:


> mostly often people who cheat and have an F buddy don't communicate over the phone because there is no emotion involved since also they work together and travel together.


After reading about her ex wanting to share her some time ago I floated the idea to her during sex, said I'd be fine with her sleeping with another guy as long as it was a threesome (no cuckold ****). She shot me down heavily, told me if I loved her I wouldn't ask that. Said "We're not bringing someone else into the bedroom, it only ends in tears"


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

reetooo said:


> Hi All, sorry for disappearing yesterday. It was evening in the UK and the family was home which made it difficult to reply.
> 
> You all gave me so much food for thought yesterday, some which was helpful and some not so helpful which put me in a strange mood when the wife got home. Unfortunately I wear my heart on my sleeve and find it very difficult to fake a positive emotion when I'm feeling down. She noticed this (as she has done many times over the last year) and when we got to bed she asked me very calmly what was wrong and I just had to say.
> 
> ...


That sounds promising.
However, the best stance that you can have with her right now is "Trust BUT VERIFY."
Without saying, you should be verifying the hell out of everything.
I can understand (and will even support) the bank account situation, given her life experience. However, you should at a bare minimum have been made aware of its existence.
However, I have some difficulty buying the male friend thing. I know that I have some female friends (my ex secretaries.) We may talk via text or on the phone, or sometimes get together for lunch. If we text, I tell my wife. Since I never erase text threads and have open phones, she can see what was said. If we talk on the phone, my wife is within hearing distance. If we go out to lunch, my wife is always there. Many times when we have met, we have done it as couples. None of these were requests from my wife, I have instituted them on my own, as a means of being fully transparent, so that there would never be any questions.
If it is as innocent as she claims, she only has two options. Either include you in the group, or walk away from him.
Talk is cheap. Her action will be what tells the story.


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> Okey dokey, ere we go then.
> My now second wife and I have been married for 34 years, we have joint bank accounts both here in Thailand and in the UK and a sole bank account each and we trust each other.
> In our home we have a small floor safe where we keep our bank books and statements, both of us have a key to that safe.
> My first wife dumped me after 7 years of marriage and 2 kids later for a lover and put me through an horrendous divorce.
> ...


Thankyou for your response. You're right, she has subconsciously brought these scars into this relationship. I guess women are different to us, she still holds a massive grudge against her ex and he still continues to fail in his parental responsibility. Unfortunately he's going to be around for a long time trying to screw up the kids lives.


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

Tdbo said:


> That sounds promising.
> However, the best stance that you can have with her right now is "Trust BUT VERIFY."
> Without saying, you should be verifying the hell out of everything.
> I can understand (and will even support) the bank account situation, given her life experience. However, you should at a bare minimum have been made aware of its existence.
> ...


Thanks for the reply. You've triggered some memories from last night (it was late). In the middle of a slightly heated exchange I think I recall her saying "if you don't want me going to lunch I'll stop". Because I was mid sentence I kind of missed the opportunity to query it and then the conversation moved on. It would be difficult for me to join them during the working day and I don't believe it happens that often (maybe twice a year). There have been times when she's going out with friends and I just tag along out of the blue, she's never once told me not to come, on the contrary she's elated I'm there.


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

Tdbo said:


> Trust BUT VERIFY


For sure!


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

reetooo said:


> most people are weak when it comes to sex


Nonsense


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Since your finances are separate, which is a keen way of saying to your spouse "I don't trust you", her accumulation of money is really none of your business. You and she chose to keep things separate.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

reetooo said:


> Thanks for the reply. You've triggered some memories from last night (it was late). In the middle of a slightly heated exchange I think I recall her saying "if you don't want me going to lunch I'll stop". Because I was mid sentence I kind of missed the opportunity to query it and then the conversation moved on. It would be difficult for me to join them during the working day and I don't believe it happens that often (maybe twice a year). There have been times when she's going out with friends and I just tag along out of the blue, she's never once told me not to come, on the contrary she's elated I'm there.


Maybe you are in better shape than you think.
However, the whole thing just looks so shady on its face.
Maybe at least the short term solution is that the "Lunches" become "Brunches" at a time when you are available.
After all, if the "Friendships" are so vital that they must be maintained at all costs, this is the perfect solution.
It allows you to integrate into the group, and allows them to get together. They can bring their SO's, and a good time can be had by all!
Or else, she can admit that these people don't mean that much to her, and she doesn't want to put in an effort to organize something on her off time.
On the other hand, If you can tag along on on events when you are not asked and she is happy you are there, does not jibe with the MO of someone who is having an affair. I'm assuming that she behaves appropriately on one of these outings.
The only question with this would be, why doesn't she just ask you to go?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

reetooo said:


> She even swore on her children (something she's never done before) that nothing is happening with him or anyone else and if he ever tried it she would end the friendship instantly.


Dialing that friendship back would be wise and if she is smart (and innocent) she would do it on her own without having to be told to.



Tdbo said:


> If it is as innocent as she claims, she only has two options. Either include you in the group, or walk away from him.
> Talk is cheap. Her action will be what tells the story.


This exactly^^^

@reetooo You seem to have a good handle on this questioning the right things and picking up the signs with an open mind.
Stay on track and vigilant but I think this will work out OK for you, which is refreshing around here.


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

Tdbo said:


> Maybe you are in better shape than you think.
> However, the whole thing just looks so shady on its face.
> Maybe at least the short term solution is that the "Lunches" become "Brunches" at a time when you are available.
> After all, if the "Friendships" are so vital that they must be maintained at all costs, this is the perfect solution.
> ...



There are times when I’ve gone out with my work colleagues for lunch which were some girls and some guys so I can understand her doing the same while at work. My problem is if it’s just them and not as part of a group, I need to be clear this is not the case and I’ve been invited to many gatherings so I know she wants me to go with her where possible. Obviously girlie nights out I’m not invited.

I’ve never had cause to believe she behaves anything but appropriately. She has married friends who all seem to be devoted wives and we’ve been out together many times.

This all just seems out of character and perhaps it’s my own insecurities that are clouding my judgement. She just got back from work and pulled out a Christmas present the doctor gave her (all consultants give Christmas presents to their specialists) and said, in the interest of full disclosure, this is from ****


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## reetooo (25 d ago)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Dialing that friendship back would be wise and if she is smart (and innocent) she would do it on her own without having to be told to.
> 
> 
> This exactly^^^
> ...


Thank you, I’m keeping vigilant.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

There is a difference IMO between a work colleague and a friend.
I have been out to lunch with many work colleagues and basically shared a table. The odds of my interacting with these people outside of a regular work day would be nil.
In my example, I gave an example of two co-workers that I consider friends. We exchange gifts, cards, communicate, and get together on occasion under the parameters that I have set.
In other words, there is a difference in my mind between being friendly and being friends.
Which one of these scenarios would your wife and this other person fit into?
That might provide you some parameters in which to view this situation.
As for the gift, the fact that your wife is sharing that with you is positive.
The next question is, what was the gift?
Obviously, there is a difference between a restaurant gift certificate and lingerie. 
Was she the only one that got a gift? Did others in the practice receive a gift? Did they all receive the same gift?
If the answers to the above are all "Yes," then you probably don't have anything to be concerned about with the transaction.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

reetooo said:


> There are times when I’ve gone out with my work colleagues for lunch which were some girls and some guys so I can understand her doing the same while at work. My problem is if it’s just them and not as part of a group, I need to be clear this is not the case and I’ve been invited to many gatherings so I know she wants me to go with her where possible. Obviously girlie nights out I’m not invited.
> 
> I’ve never had cause to believe she behaves anything but appropriately. She has married friends who all seem to be devoted wives and we’ve been out together many times.
> 
> This all just seems out of character and perhaps it’s my own insecurities that are clouding my judgement. She just got back from work and pulled out a Christmas present the doctor gave her (all consultants give Christmas presents to their specialists) and said, in the interest of full disclosure, this is from ****


It is good that she appears to recognize, and more importantly empathizes with, that you aren't completely comfortable with their interactions. Cheaters tend to be combative and defensive, not empathetic and supportive. 

@Tdbo has good follow-up questions regarding the gift. Her telling you about it and who it was from let's you know she appears to be in the right head space. The question remains about the motives of the friend. What he gave and who he gave to could tell a lot.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

reetooo said:


> *After reading about her ex wanting to share her some time ago *I floated the idea to her during sex, said I'd be fine with her sleeping with another guy as long as it was a threesome (no cuckold ****). She shot me down heavily, told me if I loved her I wouldn't ask that. Said "We're not bringing someone else into the bedroom, it only ends in tears"


Did I miss that?

You read where she claimed her ex wanted to share her?
Where did you read this?

I would profusely re-apologize to her, for asking her that.

On second thought, do not remind her of that bloody, dumb ass question


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Sounds like you had an excellent conversation. Stay vigilant, but you probably can at least go down from DEFCON 1 to DEFCON 3 or so (not all the way to DEFCON 5).

In your shoes, given both of your baggage, it would be wise for neither of you to go on any 1-on-1 lunches, etc. with anybody from the opposite sex. Why introduce doubt and drama when both of you can be triggered by it? To me, that would be mutually respectful.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

reetooo said:


> Ok so this is a complicated one which I'll try and simplify.
> 
> Based in the UK my wife and I met later in our lives (32 and 37 respectively) and got married in 2016. Both from broken relationships (marriage in her case) we had both been cheated on by our respective partners and vowed never to do that to one another. We would be truthful to each other even if the truth hurt and this has served us well. My wife is a beautiful British born Asian and apart from a couple of instances of jealousy on my part when she goes out on the town on her own we've had a very trusting relationship. Deep down I know she wouldn't do anything to hurt me because she's seen it from the other side right? and vice versa.
> 
> ...


Sorry Matt. Get out now. Protect yourself.
There are other forms of adultery. You. Don't know her real story. She's repeating what Caused her demise in the last relationship


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## cocolo2019 (Aug 21, 2019)

OP you should have bought a VAR (voice activated recorder) before having the conversation with your wife. 

Usually, if a spouse is cheating, he/she will call someone (AP, friend, etc) and talk about the conversation he/she had with the BS (betrayed spouses). You are still in time. Look here for VAR recommendations. And remember: mouth shut with open eyes.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

reetooo said:


> True. I have taken a step back and am watching since November. I've not mentioned to her I know she had *a date* with him, even though I want to shout it out!


Fixed that for you.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

@reetooo , any update on the NYE date ? also did the coffee date happen ?
Is Sven attending NYE with your wife ?


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