# Feeling stuck without sex - Husband in need of advice



## OpenMind (Jan 17, 2013)

My wife and I have been married for almost 15 years, we're in our low 40s, and we have young children. I have always considered myself a passionate person, both emotionally and (moreso) physically. I have always been willing to try new things to keep things interesting, and to be honest, I haven’t found much that I am against. I would literally do anything my wife asked of me to physically please her. Prior to getting married, my wife was reasonably accepting of physical intimacy, but within the first year of being married our sex life was dramatically reduced. Normal sex began tapering off to once every couple of weeks, and oral has been eliminated altogether (I haven’t had it in over 10 years). Both of these things have gotten me to the point where I am resentful, and almost always angry about the situation. This has continued to deteriorate as I’ve had sex twice in the past ten weeks. When we do have sex, it is often rushed and she really doesn’t act as if she’s enjoying herself. I was not my wife’s first, nor was I her’s. My wife tended to have long-distance relationships prior to dating me, and from what she’s told me about them they were rarely physical. I, on the other hand, had girlfriends who shared the same level of physical intensity as I did prior to dating me wife and were very open minded. 

My wife is a very good woman and mother, and I seriously believe she would characterize me as a loving father and devoted husband. While I travel for work on occasion, I otherwise work from home and do more than my “fair share” of housework – cleaning, cooking, transporting kids to and from school, house maintenance, and so on. My wife is very busy for a stay-at-home mom. Therefore, I can accept that my wife can be tired at the end of the day, but I literally will now go on average about three weeks without any sexual interaction. When I try to talk to my wife about my physical needs not being met, she gets upset and defensive. When I suggest counseling, she refuses. I think it really hurts her pride to admit we need help. I took up working out and other activities to try and change my focus on sex and to make myself more desirable, but it’s of little use. Inevitably, I know I will end up staring at the ceiling fan at the end of the night as she turns away and dozes off. All I can think about at this point is the thousands of lucky folks like those who have shared their stories on this website, and how I would do so much to be as fulfilled as they are. 

The thing that gets me most upset is that I know there are other people who have the same physical desires I crave, yet I feel trapped in my situation. I love my wife and I love my kids, and I can’t fathom the idea of putting my kids through a life-changing experience. To be honest, if it weren’t for the kids I might have given up long ago and moved on. I really, REALLY want my marriage to work. On the flip side, I don’t know that I can continue to do this any longer. I feel that every day that goes by I am denying myself something that I feel was committed to me and then taken away inexplicably. I don’t expect my wife to ever become what my previous girlfriends were, because she never said she would be. However, I do think I am justified in having things back to the way we were when we first married – sex, maybe twice a week, and just working together to satisfy each other physical and emotionally as best we can given our hectic lives. 

I know there isn’t a silver bullet here, but does anyone have some constructive guidance to share?


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## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

I can honestly say I know how you feel. I am a very sexually charged woman, and when my husband and I first got married, all of that energy was there. Now, because of the problems that we are having, ex wife, child support arrears, him not being able to find a job, we are in sexual ruin. We were having sex 4-5 times a week down to nothing in the past 2 and a half months. The only thing I can suggest is to be brutally honest and tell her how you feel. I know you have before, but a "Look, I'm not getting what I need at home. I don't WANT to go outside of the marriage, I want to make this work, but I feel like you not wanting to have sex is putting a REALLY bad strain on us, and I want to stop it before something bad ends up happening...because I'm human and human beings have needs. I WANT those needs with you, but please offer a suggestion if you are not willing to give that and I am wanting it so bad..." Put the ball in her court to say "Well, go have your physical needs met." or "Ok, maybe I should think about what my husband is telling me and maybe I should be a little more giving in the relationship to him before he goes and does something that neither of us want him to do.." Maybe that would help. Let her know that going outside the marriage is something that you REALLY don't want to do. Truth be told, it sounds like that's the point you're getting to, not that you want to, but it's tough, believe me, I know, to have to do without for such a long period of time. 

I hope that helps some.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Forget all the tired excuses and housework - it sounds like her need and desire is quite a bit lower than yours. The beginning of your relationship was your honeymoon period, and it's never likely to get much better than that.

She is happy at the current frequency, and you are not. She is comfortable. And why shouldn't she be? You do everything she wants in bed, you do more than your share of housework, and you'd never want to leave. Why should she change?

If you really want to enact change, part of that journey will be making things uncomfortable for her - being willing to end/change the relationship over this, stop catering to her every need with no reciprocation in return - and part of that journey will be to "man up" and become the most attractive man you can be. If she realizes that a) she might lose you, and b) she really doesn't want to lose you, that's when her changes would begin.

Depends if you want to risk all that.


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## OpenMind (Jan 17, 2013)

I thought reciprocity with regard to "having sex with him because he does so many things for our family" was supposed to be something that women didn't want to feel pressured into? Don't get me wrong. I believe both spouses have made a commitment to fulfilling each other, and that includes reasonable physical intimacy in marriage. I feel like she has everything she wants in her marriage without having to fulfill the physical part. I've said before I feel like a "responsible roommate" more than a husband at this point. It made her a little upset, but seriously , it's true.


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## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

It is true that women don't want to feel pressured into sex, but at the same time, she should be appreciative that you're willing to come to her BEFORE something happens, rather than have something happen, her find out about it, and THEN find out it was because you wanted to have sex more often with her. As horrible as it sounds, and I'm sorry to say it, but if it does happen to where you go outside of the marriage, at the very least if it blows up, you can say you tried to tell her....I'm sorry it has to be that way...


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

OpenMind said:


> I thought reciprocity with regard to "having sex with him because he does so many things for our family" was supposed to be something that women didn't want to feel pressured into?


Look at your behavior... you are busting your butt trying to meet her needs so that you can keep your marriage together and have a good sex life.

She, on the other hand, does not have to do anything because you appear happy with the current arrangement.

I am not talking about you washing her car and then pressuring her into sex.

I am talking about you become a more attractive man, and then dialing down your efforts in meeting her needs to a point where, at minimum, she notices and misses your efforts, and possibly even realizes you don't "need" her anymore and/or she might lose you. Now you have her attention, and she'll want to meet your needs like she did when she was trying to attract you while dating.


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## OpenMind (Jan 17, 2013)

Acorn, one thing I have done is stopped asking her for sex at night. I just don't say anything. I've done this for about the past ten days. The past couple of mornings, she's said something to me about it. I just brushed it off. It's really hard withholding my affection for her, but maybe you're on to something. 

damiana - I hear what you're saying. I've never WANTED to go outside of marriage before. But facing this down day after day, knowing I've still got a life to live, I've been struggling with what is the worse of two evils. I hate saying that, but the pain is unbearable.


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## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

I do hear you, Open, believe me. After 2 and a half months, even with the depression I am dealing with, it's hard to deal with that pain. I would say be that open with her, hope it helps. For a bit, I was looking at my husband I would feel my body respond and want it, but he wouldn't and still won't even pay a shred of attention to me. I have told him and his response is that he is not capable anymore because of everything in his head. He hasn't cheated on me, I know that, but it does add to my depression that my husband doesn't want to be with me...and I deal with guys that want to give me that, but it was a struggle to say no...now, I can't even get myself to respond...it's a struggle both ways, you blame yourself, and the pain is unbearable...I hope you find what you're looking for from your wife...I feel your pain.


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## OpenMind (Jan 17, 2013)

Funny damiana, I feel a TON of pain every day. And then I think to myself..."Wait? I haven't done anything wrong? Why am I feeling so bad?" I'm not trying to say I want my wife to feel pain, but it really is her lack of meeting this need for me that should be stressing her out. Not me. 

Seriously, this is the only major problem we have. No money issues. No "in-law" issues. Low stress home environment (considering we have three kids). It's just that I would trade this problem in a minute in exchange for any other problem a couple may have.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

OpenMind said:


> Acorn, one thing I have done is stopped asking her for sex at night. I just don't say anything. I've done this for about the past ten days. The past couple of mornings, she's said something to me about it. I just brushed it off. It's really hard withholding my affection for her, but maybe you're on to something.
> 
> damiana - I hear what you're saying. I've never WANTED to go outside of marriage before. But facing this down day after day, knowing I've still got a life to live, I've been struggling with what is the worse of two evils. I hate saying that, but the pain is unbearable.


One possible line to use if she keeps asking about your behavior:

"I still want to be intimate with you. Nothing has changed there. But the only thing that hurts more than not having that chance to be intimate is actually asking for that to happen only to have you reject me."

"I'm not begging anymore. Either you want a close, intimate relationship with your husband or you don't. Sometimes you act like you never want to have sex with me again. Well, be careful what you ask for, you just might get it."

"I agree it's not healthy for us. If you agree, you have the power to put us on better path for a healthy and satisfying relationship for both of us. "


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## OpenMind (Jan 17, 2013)

MarriedTex - I AM COMMITTING THIS TO MEMORY. Well put, and very true. I actually DO feel worse when I get rejected than if I didn't say anything.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Acorn said:


> Forget all the tired excuses and housework - it sounds like her need and desire is quite a bit lower than yours. The beginning of your relationship was your honeymoon period, and it's never likely to get much better than that.
> 
> She is happy at the current frequency, and you are not. She is comfortable. And why shouldn't she be? You do everything she wants in bed, you do more than your share of housework, and you'd never want to leave. Why should she change?
> 
> ...


She also may say after all that "manning up" .Goodbye!


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## OpenMind (Jan 17, 2013)

I really think my wife wouldn't jump to that conclusion so quickly. Maybe if it were years of neglect, I would think perhaps. But she knows how good things are with me. Like I said, I think she would agree with all the statements I've made about how I go about my husband duties. I feel like I'll be tap dancing on a landmine a bit, but the status quo isn't getting me anywhere.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

damiana879 said:


> I can honestly say I know how you feel. I am a very sexually charged woman, and when my husband and I first got married, all of that energy was there. Now, because of the problems that we are having, ex wife, child support arrears, him not being able to find a job, we are in sexual ruin. We were having sex 4-5 times a week down to nothing in the past 2 and a half months. The only thing I can suggest is to be brutally honest and tell her how you feel. I know you have before, but a "Look, I'm not getting what I need at home. I don't WANT to go outside of the marriage, I want to make this work, but I feel like you not wanting to have sex is putting a REALLY bad strain on us, and I want to stop it before something bad ends up happening...because I'm human and human beings have needs. I WANT those needs with you, but please offer a suggestion if you are not willing to give that and I am wanting it so bad..." Put the ball in her court to say "Well, go have your physical needs met." or "Ok, maybe I should think about what my husband is telling me and maybe I should be a little more giving in the relationship to him before he goes and does something that neither of us want him to do.." Maybe that would help. Let her know that going outside the marriage is something that you REALLY don't want to do. Truth be told, it sounds like that's the point you're getting to, not that you want to, but it's tough, believe me, I know, to have to do without for such a long period of time.
> 
> I hope that helps some.


The assumption you make here that the need is purely physical shows that you would do well to understand mens needs from a different perspective. If it was purely physical then masturbation would solve that would it not? 

Further to that his wife is not in control of his behavior. Although from what I read in the OP she does seems to be controlling much of his behavior to some degree, but that's an entirely different thread. He allows that control. She controls how much sex he gets but other than that his choice to cheat would purely be his own. Is she supposed to step up sex so that he doesn't look elsewhere or because she loves him and puts his needs above her own? The first reason would be a pretty shallow reason to have sex with anybody. I would submit that the OP would far rather have the second reason. 

As with so many posters in this forum, including myself, this marriage is at a critical state. I would guess that she is feeling very unattracted to him and is actually doing her best at the moment. Just because some one isn't giving you the love you need doesn't mean that at that moment they are not giving you all the love they can.


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## OpenMind (Jan 17, 2013)

CanadianGuy, what if I thought that the answer to your question:

"Is she supposed to step up sex ... because she loves him and puts his needs above her own?"...

...would be YES? I think that is a fair reason in a committed marriage. We do many things based on a marital commitment.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

OpenMind said:


> Prior to getting married, my wife was reasonably accepting of physical intimacy,
> 
> My wife tended to have long-distance relationships prior to dating me, and from what she’s told me about them they were rarely physical.


*reasonably accepting* 

Wow! 
That sounds hot and sexy!
And this is when it was at it's best??? :scratchhead:

From what I read in your post is that your wife has never been a high drive woman... Has she ever shown a wild sex kitten side? ( maybe when she been drinking??)

You married her knowing what she was like in bed and her past sexual history and now you want her to be more like the other girls you dated before her?

Imagine if she was comparing you to her ex's... like your paypacket or your d!ck isn't as big as Daves was... ya know! Not nice.

As much as I feel bad for anyone living in a sexless/loveless marriage... you seem to have gone into this fully eyes open.

A good book for her (you both) would be His Needs Her Needs...it covers a man need for sex/affection. It explains the 'whys' of it in language a woman 'gets'. I already loved sex with my H but this book was still an eye opener in this, and other, regard/s.

Best of luck!


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

OpenMind said:


> CanadianGuy, what if I thought that the answer to your question:
> 
> "Is she supposed to step up sex ... because she loves him and puts his needs above her own?"...
> 
> ...would be YES? I think that is a fair reason in a committed marriage. We do many things based on a marital commitment.


I would think that you are like most men. Our need for the emotional connection from sexual intimacy from our SO is staggering. Lack of it can affect us in ways unfathomable to women unless they know this. 

Your issue/concern is lack of sex. To her, if she believes the need is purely physical then she has an issue with your motives and does not understand mens needs in general. Perhaps she is feeling like your just another chore to do? She has already told you from her behavior toward you that it's okay not to do something for her if you're too tired or not in the mood. Eg: I don't feel like talking to you today honey I'm too tired, or I have to wash the car, etc.. 

A lot of experts have suggested and some concluded through research that her need for communication is just as important as a mans need for sexual intimacy. Touch is important to her too, as are words of appreciation and love. 

When you listen to her are you really listening the way she needs you too? Have you told her recently how very attractive she is? Not how much you are attracted to her as thats different. 

A poster suggested His Needs / Her Needs. It's a good start.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

After so many talks and time... Am I the only one that would give an ultimatum? I won't do another woman while married and I won't go without sex unless its cancer or something.

Your choice wife. Pick one. Divorce or sex.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Typical situation where beta and alpha theories apply.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Sorry man. This is your life. Doubt she will change. I know bc my wife is the same way. Shes right here beside me asleep on the bed (she fell asleep at 9:30). We had sex twice last week and I almost had a heart attack from the shock. 

Does your wife happen to be a lot more involved with the kids than you?


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## marriageindia (Jan 17, 2013)

i think both you and your wife need a break from the regular monotonous life and go for holiday together for few days. May be should consult a counselor who can give proper advice to both of you to spice up your sexual life.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

move this in the sex in marriage section. You'll get lots of replies over there.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think one of your problems is you married a woman who was not very sexual toward you and you experienced a decline her sexual response and you had kids anyway.

There is no silver bullet but you can transform your marriage. It's a process and not an event.

I"m going to tell you something. Women need a reason to be sexual. Think about the difference between men and women / boys and girls. Boys always pushing for sex, girls always defending their sexuality... That does not go away magically when marriage occurs. So remember this: your wife needs a reason to become sexual.

The secret to solving your problem is two things:

-- You have to make your wife feel safe enough to have sex with you.
-- You have to make your wife feel unsafe by not having sex with you.

HOw do you make her safe? You meet her emotional needs and let her experience pleasant positive feelings on a daily basis as a direct result of bing married to you.

How do you make her feel unsafe? Teach her and show her what a marriage is, how two people must meet each other's needs, and that if you are willing to meet her needs and she is unwilling to meet your needs then she will lose the marriage she cherishes.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm sorry you're here. 

Let me be perfectly clear...this is only the beginning of your own personal hell. It does NOT get better. It does NOT improve if you up the "romance" or become an indentured servant, or become father of the year. It only get's worse.

I had sex less than 5 times in 2012. I must have offended in my previous life because I will never leave my children so this is my plight. But if you have the strength to do so, I advise you to leave. She has refused councelling, and will not up the frequency. This is who she is now and it will only get ridiculously worse.

Forget how you can convince her. Or change yourself, or meet her needs. Forget all of that. Most of the time you can do anything and everything they can think of and more, and you still won't get what you're looking for.

I paint a bleak picture only because it's the truth. These type of women are content to live the rest of their days with no physical intimacy. Please...for your own sanity leave.


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## stilllookingup (Oct 29, 2012)

Divorce or sex? Get out? Really?

While it does not get better without talking to her, it will not get better if you just got out and married somebody else until you really understand the fundamental differences. 

Look. I know how you feel, not because I'm a guy in the same situation but I'm the wife who didn't understand my H's needs for a long time until he reached his breaking point. You guys have to understand most wives don't have the same sex drive as you do esp if you have kids, if she works full-time, if you don't help with house chores. Sure there are few that loves sex as much as husbands do but can't say I have met one. 

I really liked what CanadianGuy and Hicks said and I'm sure a LOT of women will agree with it. We often need to hear that you think we are so pretty, sexy etc to feel attractive, or feel some kind of emotional connection to want you. 

I know my H was hurt that I'd fall asleep before 9pm or I'd no from time to time but what I resented for years was that he would not do/say anything romantic. I felt he just wanted to have sex all the time and didn't care about my feelings/need.

Honestly I wouldn't be where I am now if my H didn't reach his breaking point but I'm not suggesting you do the same for your wife to understand but you'd somehow have to convey your serious concerns to her. She will not take your issue as serious as you are taking it unless you tell/show her "I've reached my limit" because we don't (didn't) think it was a huge issue for him until we see that until we see it's real.

I had no idea how much my H was hurting over this. Seeing the man I love more than anything breaking down did something to my head. If he had not broken down like that I may have not realized/reevaluated myself ever. 

Please, talk to your wife. If she truly loves you, she will not want to see you hurt any more.

Like some suggested, I'd read His needs, Her needs and 5 languages of love.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

"When I try to talk to my wife about my physical needs not being met, she gets upset and defensive. When I suggest counseling, she refuses. I think it really hurts her pride to admit we need help."


I am sorry about this. Your loving wife needs to communicate with you expecially on issues that are "uncomfortable." Besides having an almost sexless marriage, your marriage also has a huge communication problem.

There are so many possibilites why she doesn't want to have sex. I doubt from your post that they have anything to do with you.

My suggestion is that you book a marriage counseling appointment, invite her to go, and is she refuses go alone (I did).

This will accomplish two things 1) She will see how serious you are & not all talk & no action & 2) You will get support for yourself.

I also want to give you some hope. If you choose to stay in an amost sexless relationship until the children are grown - there is hope.

A divorced man (late 40's - 50's) with grown children is very attractive to the single ladies.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Sure there are few that loves sex as much as husbands do but can't say I have met one.


I have LOL>.Not to derail but not only have I met women that liked it as much ..but are also sex starved by their husbands.Its not talked about as much because men are less likely to talk about /admit it.And women are more likely to blame themselves and think something is wrong with THEM and are ashamed because of it to say "my husband doesn't want to have sex with me" because they think they are the "only one' and must be some sort of freak.Especially because you hear so much how men NEED sex...More and more its coming out though.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

stilllookingup said:


> While it does not get better without talking to her, it will not get better if you just got out and married somebody else until you really understand the fundamental differences.


I agree in principle, but it should be said that the OP is married to someone with very little drive and is apparently in a sexless marriage by definition. In other words, starting from a place of sexual incompatibility.

If OP were to find someone new, I'm sure he would be paying much closer attention to the sexual compatibility of his new partner.

I'm not advocating he leave because of this, but I don't think it is OP's destiny to necessarily have to have a complete breakdown just to have his wife recognize his needs. Depends how important this issue is to him and what he's willing to do in hopes that his wife will change.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

One thing to check out we have been talking about the BC pill on another thread so its on my mind.Is she on the pill?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

stilllookingup said:


> Divorce or sex? Get out? Really?
> 
> While it does not get better without talking to her, it will not get better if you just got out and married somebody else until you really understand the fundamental differences.
> 
> ...


Your situation may be different. But my own personal experience along with dozens of threads here and on another forums sexless marriage forum - there is no amount of kind words, romantic gestures, caring for children, are house work that a man can do that will bring about a sustained, consistent libido in a sexless wife.

We may get thrown a bone every now and then, but ultimately it comes back to the playbook:

1) headache
2) tired
etc etc etc.

Like I said, I have no doubt that some situations are different and all a woman is looking for is a little emotional investment. But in the majority of the cases I've read they get that in spades but couldn't care less about the physical aspect of the relationship. Just not even on their radar.

The sad thing is there are plenty of woman out their that would jump at the chance for physical intimacy yet their stuck in the same boat some men are, stuck in a relationship where her man won't touch her.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

All of the following assumes there are no physical or mental issues that would otherwise prevent sex in your marriage.

No sex is usually the symptom of something else breaking down in the marriage, usually someone's needs not being met.

Are you meeting her needs? Really? Do you know what her needs are? The only way to know is to ask her. Ask her if you are meeting her needs. If she says no, ask her what her needs are and how you can best meet them.

If she says yes, you then need to explain to her that an "intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship" (not "sex") is required in the relationship. If she can't meet that need for you, you will become frustrated and resentful and less likely to meet her needs. If you don't meet her needs and she doesn't meet yours, you are just room mates and there's no need for a marriage. Divorce MUST be an option through all of this, otherwise you will either live a frustrated, sexless life or will ultimately cheat.

Remember two things... First, you are looking for an "intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship", not "duty sex". Second, don't let her minimize your need. "All you want is sex" or "Sex isn't important" are not acceptable answers. This is one of your needs and if she has confirmed you are meeting her needs why can't she meet yours???

Ask her if she thinks an "intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship" is important in a marriage. If she says no, then tell her if it isn't important you will get that need taken care of elsewhere. If she says yes, then ask her why she won't meet that need.

Explain to her that you promised monogamy but not celibacy. Monogamy is expected in a marriage, but that expectation is based on sexual activity in the marriage. Let's say that as part of the marriage your job is to take care of the family vehicles. Let's say your wife's car needs work and you refuse to take care of it (you're "tired" or "not in the mood", etc...). If your wife needs the car, she'll take it to a mechanic, right? There are expectations in a marriage, whether it's chores, finances, child care or sexual intimacy and if those expectations are not met, things fall apart.

I speak from experience here. It's not easy. It wasn't until my wife realized I had gotten divorce paperwork and started looking for another place to live did she realize she needed to step up. We're in a much better place now, and that includes an "intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship".

Good luck.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Let me add one thing...

Refusing to ask for sex just gets you weeks/months down the road fighting about lack of sex and your wife saying "Well, you never ask for sex."

My feeling is you ask and continue to ask and make your wife say no. It's hard to take rejection but what you are doing is building the case for lack of sex, not becoming a contributor to it.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Ask her if she thinks an "intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship" is important in a marriage. If she says no, then tell her if it isn't important you will get that need taken care of elsewhere.


That's contradicting.If its an important need in marriage getting it elsewhere will not meet that need "in a marriage".A marriage isn't a 3rd party entity the you both give sex to.Its a relationship between 2 people.If the point is is it important to THAT relationship(those 2 peoples bond) to have sex TOGETHER having sex with someone else wont fill that need to benefit THAT relationship.It would be one party going off to get their sexual needs met in another relationship.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Oh and to add.The only way to make that statement make sense is to omitt the "in a marriage"(which is a relationship) part.(as far as getting it elsewhere) and say "are my sexual needs important to you " if the answer is no THEN say O.K I will find someone else who thinks they are and have a sexual relationship with them to get MY need met"


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

You vowed to remain faithful to your wife sexually, and now are in an unsatisfying sex life. It angers me when wives do this. Yes, kids are exhausting, work makes people tired, stress exists, etc. But a wife is a wife first and everything else second. Nothing should come between her and her husband. She expects him to meet her needs, no matter how tired he is after working long hours, but doesn't give him the same in return. 

If your wife refuses to go to counseling, there is little hope. End it now, find a woman who cares about you.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> You vowed to remain faithful to your wife sexually, and now are in an unsatisfying sex life. It angers me when wives do this.


It angers me when husbands do it too.


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## stilllookingup (Oct 29, 2012)

I’m only focusing on what OpenMind said in his first post. He said he really, Really wants to make his marriage work and he still seems to love his wife. And it’s really sad that his wife refuses to go counseling because if my H had suggested it instead of dropping D, I would have taken the chance in a heartbeat. My H never suggested counseling but he casually brought up the issue several times and I got defensive every time. I felt attacked and I fought back hard.

It is sad she’s being senseless like I was. I can say without hesitation I was a senseless delusional wife. If she’s defensive like I was, it would take some kind of ultimatum for her to wake up and smell strong Columbian coffee. 

Setting his share of faults aside, it took me good 3 months of soul searching to understand what my H really went through in this marriage.

If she truly loves you, she would do whatever in her power to gain your trust back. I'm commenting hoping OpenMind can get some insights from a wife who once was just like his.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> It angers me when husbands do it too.


I agree. 

But this here is a husband whose wife is refusing to change or get help.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

Think of it this way:

How would you find another woman or get another woman to have sex with you?

PHYSICAL ATTRACTION..


That same thing applies for your wife. 


.but what is attractive to you is not what is attractive to her. Find out what is attractive to her and do it.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> I agree.
> 
> But this here is a husband whose wife is refusing to change or get help.


Maybe it isn't her problem to fix as described in No More Mr. Nice Guy.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

I dont think that's the issue and it's a bad comparison to compare the attraction for a new woman with attraction from his wife. 




anony2 said:


> Think of it this way:
> 
> How would you find another woman or get another woman to have sex with you?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

dallasapple said:


> I have LOL>.Not to derail but not only have I met women that liked it as much ..but are also sex starved by their husbands.Its not talked about as much because men are less likely to talk about /admit it.And women are more likely to blame themselves and think something is wrong with THEM and are ashamed because of it to say "my husband doesn't want to have sex with me" because they think they are the "only one' and must be some sort of freak.Especially because you hear so much how men NEED sex...More and more its coming out though.


 I am one of those woman who is sex starved. I really don't think there is any one solution (I haven't found the answer, yet) other then cheating or leaving. You can talk and talk and talk, you can only beat a dead horse for so long. It is up to your SO to make the change needed and if they refuse, then what?

IT may have nothing to do with attraction.. Sometimes the answer isn't all that simple. She may not think about sex much, if at all. Maybe she has a low drive... It isn't always so black and white.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

jd08 said:


> I dont think that's the issue and it's a bad comparison to compare the attraction for a new woman with attraction from his wife.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why? How do you know it isn't the issue?


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Getting a random woman to have sex with you is not nearly the same thing as enticing your wife to have sex. It's just not. The dynamics are totally different. If it was as easy as becoming "attractive" every guy on this forum would be hitting the gym getting a 6 pack. Your statement also assumes that the problem lies with the OP. My guess is that the OP is more like most of the people here in a sexless marriage in that hes bending over backwards to please his wife and nothing he does makes a damn bit of dfference. Getting the message across to an LD or ND spouse is impossible because they just don't care. You could look like Matthew McConaughey to them and theyd still rather pull weeds out of the garden than have sex with their husband. 



anony2 said:


> Why? How do you know it isn't the issue?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

sinnister said:


> But my own personal experience along with dozens of threads here and on another forums sexless marriage forum - there is no amount of kind words, romantic gestures, caring for children, are house work that a man can do that will bring about a sustained, consistent libido in a sexless wife.


:iagree:

And will add that as a *wife *in a long-term sexless marriage there was no amount of loving behavior, seductive behavior, physical beauty, physical fitness or naughty lingerie that would convince my *husband *to have sex with me more than every 4 to 6 months. No affairs; no T-level abnormalities; no ED; and he is (like me) physically fit and physically active. However, he is the same as the OP’s wife in that he becomes “upset and defensive” whenever the subject of sex is broached.

I have been a member of that “other sexless marriage forum” for several years. In that time, I have concluded that long-term sexless-ness is most often due to passive-aggressive-control behavior (on the part of the so called LD spouse) or the infamous “s/he is just not into you” conundrum.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

stilllookingup said:


> I’m only focusing on what OpenMind said in his first post. He said he really, Really wants to make his marriage work and he still seems to love his wife. And it’s really sad that his wife refuses to go counseling because if my H had suggested it instead of dropping D, I would have taken the chance in a heartbeat. My H never suggested counseling but he casually brought up the issue several times and I got defensive every time. I felt attacked and I fought back hard.
> 
> It is sad she’s being senseless like I was. I can say without hesitation I was a senseless delusional wife. If she’s defensive like I was, it would take some kind of ultimatum for her to wake up and smell strong Columbian coffee.
> 
> ...


This is all good stuff OP.


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## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

I haven't read all 5 pages, so sorry if I'm repeating, but i'll be brief. Read the book, "No More Mr. Nice Guy." It's different than you think based in the title. Start to tackle this as a ME issue. Change who you are, what you do, how you act. Join the NMMNG forum & seek support there. I'm at the early stages of all this, but it's been a revelation to me. You are NOT alone. Good luck!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Red Sonja said:


> :iagree:
> 
> And will add that as a *wife *in a long-term sexless marriage there was no amount of loving behavior, seductive behavior, physical beauty, physical fitness or naughty lingerie that would convince my *husband *to have sex with me more than every 4 to 6 months. No affairs; no T-level abnormalities; no ED; and he is (like me) physically fit and physically active. However, he is the same as the OP’s wife in that he becomes “upset and defensive” whenever the subject of sex is broached.
> 
> I have been a member of that “other sexless marriage forum” for several years. In that time, I have concluded that long-term sexless-ness is most often due to passive-aggressive-control behavior (on the part of the so called LD spouse) or the infamous “s/he is just not into you” conundrum.


:iagree: I'm another female member of this club. It seems that more men withhold sex than most people realize. 

I've read that when a man withholds sex it's due to anger and resentment. Instead of dealing with the issues directly, the use passive agression to punish their wife. 

I wonder who often this is the case with women who withhold sex as well. It's probably pretty common.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OpenMind,

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together doing date-like things together, just the two of you?


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