# Fiancé has severe ADHD and anger issues



## Ashleyneedspositive (Apr 5, 2020)

I will try to make this as short as possible. Fiancé and I have been together for six years. We have a two year old daughter together. Throughout the relationship and prior to us having our daughter he showed erratic behavior and serious anger issues when something doesn’t go his way. Very immature. The problem is it has always I mean every time it happens been blamed on his ADHD. By not just him but his mother too. So it just is like making an excuse for horrible behavior. He does have some tendencies of ADHD but I don’t find it a viable excuse to threaten and verbally abuse me. He refuses help. Flat out. There is nothing wrong with him in his mind and everything that goes wrong it someone else’s fault. 

When I was 8 months pregnant I moved home with my family after being threatened and abused more than once he also came because I was pregnant and wanted our daughter to have Her father but unfortunately going home wasn’t the best choice. He since we had went back has done nothing but abuse me back me into corners scream at me tell me how useless I am ( primary caretaker of our daughter and I work in home care too) - tell me that he hates it here and he is taking our child he wants to be back with his family and went as far as threatening to kill me or anyone else that stops him. 

So numerous occasions we have all including my family told him if you don’t like it here leave ! But stop saying your adhd is the reason for all of this and take responsibility for your actions. Fast forward now almost two years we are in the middle of This pandemic crap and it has gotten so much worse. Lord help me. He is just so miserable. He smokes pot to “ calm down “ because life is so ****ing miserable here and when I decide I want to do whatever he says is when he told me he will stop. If it isn’t smoking it’s drinking. 

I don’t want to be around him at all! I have sacrificed so much of my happiness for him and all I get is excuses ! It’s my adhd he says( and his mother too ) so they all think that’s a viable excuse. I am really really lost. My family is really heartless and tells me I made my bed so lie in it. Granted they are great to my daughter but no one baby sits. I do it all myself haven’t had a day to myself in two years. 

He watches her 20 hours a week when I work but he spends 75% of that time napping and forcing her to nap. I have no support system at all. Everyone blames me ! I have been to counseling and I get no where. Every therapist comes to the conclusion it needs to be done as a couple and he needs individual help which he refuses.

I’m really lost !!! I know what most people will say we’ll kick him out get rid of him if it was that easy it would have been done. Is this a common occurrence with an adult with adhd what can I do ? Has anyone else been through this how did you manage? I can’t imagine I could do anything different either. Any advice is greatly appreciated thank you !!!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You need to call the police on him when he threatens you like this (I'm not kidding -- PLEASE do this). Try to get recordings of it when he does this.
This would be important for a NUMBER of reasons, including any child support hearings that may come up. You don't want to put your child at risk with him, and you certainly don't want the child growing up to think that this is how relationships really are.

ADHD is NO EXCUSE for what he is doing. If he has true ADHD, he would be on meds from a Dr to help control it -- what he is doing is giving himself the excuse so that he can act like a 2 year old.

You can't control him or help him. You can only control what YOU do. Get counseling for yourself, not the marriage. work on YOU. Make sure you get your finances together (put your money into an account that only YOU can access and put only 1/2 of the bills into a common account). Make sure you keep your health up (exercise, eat right, etc.) and be close to your child. You can consult a lawyer to see how divorce would look like for you in your state. 

There will be more here with good ideas and can help as well. 
Very sorry that you are going through this.


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## Ashleyneedspositive (Apr 5, 2020)

Thank you for your kind words and advice !


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I know its not easy but you need to get that small child away from that abusive behaviour and drugs. It will already be badly effecting her. If you can't end the marriage for you then do it for her. If you have no family member or friend who can help you leave, contact a womans shelter and ask for advise. I honestly cant understand why you stayed with him all this time.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

To start off, whether he has ADD/ADHD or needs meds can only be assessed by a qualified professional. Has he been diagnosed?

Adult ADD is a condition that includes multi-layered problems... self-esteem, depression, addictions, anger to name a few. Treating himself with drugs and alcohol may give him short term relief, but it is only adding another major obstacle to a long term solution for a better life.

ADD or not, you don't deserve to be disrespected and shouldn't tolerate such behavior. He is responsible for his behaviors, not ADD. He has to be held accountable. He has to recognize that himself. Not you or anyone else can ever convince him to help himself.

There are a great number of men and women with LD and ADD who are successful in life that would never use their diagnosis as an excuse.

You have to decide whether or not you want to go on this way or enact change on your part, with or without him.

Here are some links to readings that may help you....

The ADHD effect on marriage

ADHD and Marriage, Melissa Orlov

Boundaries, When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

Best


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Why does he act the way he acts? Because he can.
Why doesn't he change? Because he doesn't want to.
Why doesn't your discomfort and anguish and hurt matter to him? Because he cares more for himself and there is no penalty to him for being selfish.

He had no reason to govern or moderate his bad behaviors and attitudes. You're not giving him any reason to change. You accept his bad behavior and abuse.

You have a tough road ahead of you. People, in general, are procrastinators and favor the easier road, and for you that means that it was easier to just deal with your husband's assholeish behaviors than the alternative of engaging in a long power struggle and battle of wills with him to rewrite the marital dynamics. His force of personality overrode your force of personality and so matters in your marriage are to his liking.

You either engage in battle, a long battle, and reshape how the two of you interact in your marriage, or you keep being emotionally abused by him or you leave him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ashleyneedspositive said:


> I will try to make this as short as possible. Fiancé and I have been together for six years. We have a two year old daughter together. Throughout the relationship and prior to us having our daughter he showed erratic behavior and serious anger issues when something doesn’t go his way. Very immature. The problem is it has always I mean every time it happens been blamed on his ADHD. By not just him but his mother too. So it just is like making an excuse for horrible behavior. He does have some tendencies of ADHD but I don’t find it a viable excuse to threaten and verbally abuse me. He refuses help. Flat out. There is nothing wrong with him in his mind and everything that goes wrong it someone else’s fault.
> 
> When I was 8 months pregnant I moved home with my family after being threatened and abused more than once he also came because I was pregnant and wanted our daughter to have Her father but unfortunately going home wasn’t the best choice. He since we had went back has done nothing but abuse me back me into corners scream at me tell me how useless I am ( primary caretaker of our daughter and I work in home care too) - tell me that he hates it here and he is taking our child he wants to be back with his family and went as far as threatening to kill me or anyone else that stops him.
> 
> ...


Has he actually been diagnosed with AD/HD? 

AD/HD is not an excuse to act badly and be violent. You have put up with this for far too long. If you stay with him, your daughter will learn that this is what men are like and that she cannot expect anything else when she's grown and married. For your daughter's sake, show her what a strong woman does... she protects herself and her child.

How often does he act angry and/or violent?

You need to call 911 the next time he threatens or actually physically attacks you. Backing you into a corner is physical violence. You live with your parents, right? Ask them to call 911 if they witness any aggressive or violent behavior. If they don't make the call, get away from him and call 911. Tell them that he does this very often.. however often it is. Have him removed from the house and get a restraining order to keep him away from both you and your child.

It would also help you to get at least audio recordings of this anger & attacks. You can do this using a voice activated recorder. Just keep it on yourself (like in a pocket or your bra) so it turns on the picks up any angry outburst. This will help you with the police. If you do this, you will need to know the audio recording law in your state... if you share your state here I'll look it up. States are either "one party" or "two party". In a "one party" state, as long as one person in the recorded conversation knows they are being recorded it's legal. In a "two party" state, all people in a conversation has to consent to the recording. Although most, if not all, states are ok with recording if it's recording a crime.. domestic violence is a crime. You might want to look this up and perhaps even take to a lawyer.

All so, find a domestic violence victim support organization in your area and get help from them. You need all the support you can get. Here's a link to a site that can help. They even offer online counseling.
* The US National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Also, do you have a joint bank account with him? If so, you need to start your own bank account in your name only. Start putting your paycheck in that account and start building up funds because you are going to need it to support yourself and your daughter.

Does your husband have a job? Is he bringing in any income?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Don't marry him! There is nothing more miserable for a child than to have a raging parent. It's completely terrorizing.

It doesn't really matter whether he's just doing it but could control it or feels like he can't control it because the end result is the same, and that is he's going to make anyone who is around him miserable. You need to show your child this isn't acceptable because your child is going to learn from him. 

Seriously, don't even consider marrying him.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I know it's hard but you need to kick him out/ move on your own.. Something. Otherwise this won't stop and you will have 2 kids to raise instead of one.. Put your foot down.. either he gets help (therapy for one) or your done/gone. And I agree with others start putting $$$ away for later and if he gets angry and violent, the police should file a report.. Hopefully it won't come to this but later on a restraining order as well.


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## Ashleyneedspositive (Apr 5, 2020)

Thank you all very much for your replies and reassurance. This is a difficult time and I am taking everyone’s advice and have started recording anytime I feel the situation will turn badly and h have begun to get my ducks in s row to take my next steps ! Thank you all again


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## dwdj75 (Sep 30, 2020)

Late to the party, but no, ADHD in adults do not make you violent and abusive. Also marijuana is not proven to be good for ADHD, some say it can make it worse. Regardless of all that, there is absolutely no excuse for behavior like that, none.
Think about what is best for you, and your child, and get out of that toxicity !


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm real sorry he's not who you hoped he was. I'm really glad you found out though. No one needs to saddle themself with that. His intentions were never good and that's why I don't think any amount of seeking help is going to help him or change him.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't think any amount of seeking help is going to help him or change him.


When behaviors are parent-approved, or parent-indulged, parent-excused...... nope. It takes an act of God. Human help ? won't.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

They usually don't want to change and just want to find someone who will put up with it.


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## dwdj75 (Sep 30, 2020)

Ashleyneedspositive said:


> Thank you all very much for your replies and reassurance. This is a difficult time and I am taking everyone’s advice and have started recording anytime I feel the situation will turn badly and h have begun to get my ducks in s row to take my next steps ! Thank you all again


We know you are strong enough to get out of this situation, please keep us updated, to at least let us know you are okay !


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I'm sorry to hear how awful he is being to you and concur - report him to the police, please, for your safety and your family's.

Re the ADHD, my XH and son both have it. It is NOT an excuse for abusive behavior. If it is unmedicated even in adults and symptoms persist as they sometimes do in people with ADHD who reach adulthood, you may continue to see volatility, and impulsiveness. What he chooses to do with that volatility is abuse. DO NOT listen to him. Neurodiversity does sometimes make a person's emotional life complicated - it can make a person more prone to addictions, to adultery, or other risky behavior. That does not excuse any of those issues. We are more than our base impulses. My son gets vey angry sometimes, but we are in therapy, he is taking medication and he understands there are certain behaviors that are not acceptable, such as hitting or hurting, damaging property, or abusive language. There are healthy ways to express one's feelings even if you have ADHD and your H has NOT found them. Do not tolerate this treatment any longer. It is seriously dangerous for you. Value your own health and self. As for your family, they don't have to live with him.


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## Ashleyneedspositive (Apr 5, 2020)

just wanted to say thank you for the kind posts , and I am doing okay. The last two weeks probably because of the holidays have been the worst. He also caught me recording from my phone and that turned into an absolute nightmare. I have consulted two attorneys in my area ( we are not married but are bound by our child ) and both have said in most circumstances I’m looking at joint custody which I do not want. He is not stable enough to have her alone without either myself or my family around as he gets angry at the drop of a dime. So I’m now really stuck more so than before! I will not settle from being away from my daughter at all. Not even a day. It is my duty as her mother to protect her so her I am. It’s extremely messed up that men can do this to women and get some say or some share of any responsibility when it all falls on me anyhow! He told me yesterday I was lucky to have him I started to choke ! I have had awesome jobs I work in home care now due to the pandemic I cant work full time because he refuses to watch her and I can’t put her in daycare. I am going to be 32 and I really have accomplished so much. Above all I consider myself an amazing mother and I’m just so stuck! I haven’t seen any of my friends in almost a year and I’m cooped up with this awful partner and amazing child that I’m trying to give the best life to. I really am just ranting here sorry! I basically have to just keep putting up with this because I can not settle for not being around my daughter for even one day. He can’t even take care of himself , nevermind our child. So I’m basically just touching base letting everyone know I’m okay but really sad 😞. If my words come out jumbled my auto correct makes its own mind , sorry for being grammatically incorrect. And thank you all for lending your advice !


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## The Broken Man (Dec 28, 2020)

Talk to a lawyer or the district attorneys office in your county and get a protective order against him and get outta there he is doing you no good talking to you like that also the anger outbursts around your child. If you don't want to lose your daughter I would get out of that house quickly especially if he is doing drugs around your children don't let a man tear you down and make you lose the most important thing in your life that is uncalled for. Leave and if he contacts you saying that he wants to make this work that will be up to you at that point but you must tell him he has to do certain things in order for you to be able to trust him again I'm not the best at giving advice but I know if I was in your situation that is exactly what I would do but I wouldn't look back. I'm sorry that you are going through this because every life matters even your's.


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