# need opinions?



## styles1978 (Sep 14, 2018)

My wife and I have been married 20 years, we have two children in college and everything about our marriage seems fine, at least to me. However, over the past year -- since our last left something odd seems to be happening and I don't know whether I am simply too sensitive or paranoid. Now, my wife is reserved and only somewhat affectionate, and is a little high maintenance - by her own admission, but I love her -- she is beautiful and intelligent and fun. For the past few years intimacy has tapered off a little. I accepted it and am perfectly happy with the 1-3X's a month -- although, I wish sometime she would be a little more creative or spontaneous, we talked about this, but well.... 

This is all background and I don't and never considered it a problem. The issues started on her birthday -- we were at dinner at one of our favorite places, she excused herself for the rest room, when her phone buzzed -- a FB message text from someone named T* who wished her happy birthday and then said he loved her... Well my mind went blank and I got a little dizzy and didn't read more. She came back, we drank, I drank a little more than I should and somehow, completely forgot the whole thing... can't explain it, I have a crazy good memory, but somehow it was gone. We when home, I fell asleep -- we are never intimate on holidays or celebrations -- never explained to me, but I have learned to accept it. Fast forward to earlier this summer, we are on a trip w/o the children and our daughter texts us, i answer and as I am replying and closing the message, I notice T* in her contacts and a string of texts -- again, maybe like 40 texts over the past few months -- nothing sexual, all small talk about music and concerts -- he even suggests she come to the next, but she politely declines. In the latest she had contacted him to possibly meet-at a bar that they had met previously when she had made a similar trip to her parents house-- again,this was the first I heard of this and I have no clue who this guy is --but the text from her birthday was now jogged from my memory. We got to our destination, did a little more snooping and found that he was an old college friend, connected on facebook, messanged a little, set up a short bar trip with a few other college people -- I have no problem with this I trust my wife -- I am bothered because why months later did T profess his love for my wife?

So I asked her if she was cheating on me with this guy -- don't know how, maybe on one of her business trips -- and she said, "no, no way not with T." then I asked about the "I love you" and she replied 'yeah what was that about?' I pressed some more and she denied any wrong doing and just said he was someone from college -- news to me -- never heard of him. I did more snooping and found that she had replied to the "I love you" in FB messenger, but the timing was sort of messed up -- the original message (which I intercepted) was sent to my wife at 7 and her reply was at 11 and the two didn't fit, as if she was replying to some other comment. 

So, I let it drop -- we are 800 miles from this guy, none of the messages were more than small talk -- although when my name was mentioned is was never the subject of a sentence but rather the subject of a clause ( e.g. it was never " My husband and I are coming up, you want to meet at the bar." instead it was "I am coming, with my husband......") It felt odd, because I didn't know of any of these plans and for this last trip, i was not supposed to come at all. 

We get home I check the phone/text logs to make sure I didn't miss anything-- they match up with what she has on her phone - all small talk nothing romantic,no genital pics. A month passes -- nothing. However, sex increases 2-3X week -- and she is spontaneous and the aggressor. One night we head out to happy hour and afterwards things look like there headed into another crazy bedroom session, but then something happens when I leave to let the frigging dog out --I get back and she is completely tuned out. I thought that there was something wrong with me. A few weeks pass and for some reason, I check the phone/text logs again, and wouldn't you know it T* had texted her than night, while I was letting the dog out and after we finished -- it was the worst sex that I have ever had awkward and short -- she was totally not into it -- after this amazingly ****ty sex, she was texting him for the next hour. Her phone now is password locked, but I got on and all the texts from that night are gone. I checked his phone number online to make sure I was on the right guy -- it was the same number, but now was deactivated, and all the contact information that came from my search, T*'s last name, address, and email were fake -- it seemed to be a burner, I have found out. The following Sunday, my wife pretty much jumps me for hours. Now, i have checked her computer -- nothing, i have been monitoring her phone use -- she hardly has been using it. FB nothing. I found this all out several days ago and I am wondering what to do --I have no real solid information -- If there is something going on, I feel as if I sent them underground with my initial contact and without strong information I don't fell confident about my position if I confront her. My wife has been happier and more affectionate than ever -- our anniversary is coming up and I have a big surprise party planned for her birthday. But I am conflicted. She could be telling the truth --there have only been around 60-70 texts between the two over these three months -- there were no phone calls, that I have found and nothing romantic or sexual -- except for these last texts, nothing seemed deleted? He live hundreds of miles away. On the other hand, she has been keeping all of this secret from me. She doesn't text or communicate with any other college friend, even her friends who were her bridesmaids. I don't have a good sense what to do -- I want to trust, but I think I need to verify. During my snooping phase, I did buy software which allowed me to screen her old iphone, I would like to do this to her new one --- it can recover deleted texts. What is anyone's opinion?


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## jsb (Sep 11, 2018)

Buy a voice activated recorder and hide it in her car. Don't confront her until you have enough proof.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You know what is happening here and you don’t need strangers on an Internet forum to tell you.
Your wife is having at least an emotional affair with this guy and I wouldn’t be surprised if it hasn’t gotten physical at least once.His intermittent texting is what has her confused,when he doesn’t contact her for a while she falls back on plan B (That would be you).When he breaks the silence you get breadcrumbs.
His wife or girlfriend may be monitoring hiis phone and that’s why their messaging is infrequent.
Check everything.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

I've seen this story before, verbatim.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Chances are it's a lot more than she has led you to believe and even more than you think yourself, hate to say that but have seen too many of these now. Maybe this is the help that I can offer that might make the most sense to go along with the other info you are going to get. Oh and first of all, to go with your intro post, yes this is one Hell of a Red Flag.

In my experience, I knew my EW was cheating and doing something wrong but I still didn't understand the extent of how well she could lie, how much she lied and what she would lie about. You can believe your wife cheated once but it's hard to believe that they would lie about everything, on a daily basis. You often see over and over again on these forums and in my own life.

- I know she did THIS but I know her, she wouldn't do THAT
- She is telling me the truth, she told me even stuff I didn't know
- She wouldn't do that to her family, kids
- She doesn't have the time for this

What my EW did in a year's span broke every notion I ever thought about her. Someone I thought was dedicated to family for 18 years, dedicated to our faith and each other. All of those premises were shattered and what made it all worse is that she could be with OM one day and read in front of the parish the next day with not an ounce of guilt or change in expression.

I hope your W is not cheating but it sounds like there is an EA going on and she is doing her best to trickle truth and cover it up.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

I reckon she is love bombing you because she knows you are suspicious. It could be that she is backing him off after maybe crossing the line a little. See if you can run message recovery software on her phone. Put a voice activated recorder in her car. Things are going well for you two just now so I don’t think you should confront, just monitor.

Find out if he has a wife or partner. If he does then get her contact information, you might need it later on.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Continue to snoop. What's App, Kik, Telegram, etc.

How often does she travel for work? How far away he lives is nothing.

Has she bought new lingerie? Is she exercising more?

Her demographic is, unfortunately, prime for such as this...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@styles1978, welcome to TAM.

There is a Standard Evidence Post by @weightlifter which will be of help to you https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html#post9756666

Please keep us up-to-date. We'll be here for you.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

Time to go into full on P.I mode.

Get a GPS tracker for her car (one that keeps logs of trips, does not matter how far away he lives), a VAR for it also (maybe two, they are cheap). Another VAR or two for around the house when you are not there (I had to do this and it is amazing what conversations you will discover when partner is acting different to the norm.

You are more than likely, going to have to lay low for a while, whilst you gather information. It is going to suck, you will feel drained having to do all this ****, but you WILL get the evidence you need eventually.

And now the really hard part, having to 'act' normal, despite how you feel. Know that this will be crap going in, but that there is an objective to focus on and it will not be forever. People like your missus are not patient in matters such as this, you need to be. It will be worth it.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I agree with all of those that say you need to quietly investigate. Do not confront her again. Lead her to believe that everything is okay. You're at an awkward point where she can plausibly deny everything. So if you confront, she'll hide absolutely everything and you'll never know what really happened. This will eat away at you for the rest of your lives together. The only way to get the truth is to do it stealthily, unfortunately. The VAR and GPS transponder are great ideas. You might also consider putting key logger software on any computer she uses.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Ouch! Been there experienced that. You exposed way too soon. Keep eyes and ears open and keep your mouth shut. I will say I am 99.9% certain she is in a PA. Listen to those who recommended a VAR!


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You played your cards way too soon, but that is water under the bridge. I tend to think that this guy is fishing, hoping to set up a little something-something. You need to lay low and keep your eyes open, usually over time folks that are cheating make a mistake. I am not convinced that is the case here, but need to be on guard.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Have her read; NOT JUST FRIENDS. You can buy it used on Amazon.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Did you ask your wife to explain why there is no record of her friend (that she met with at the bar?
Did you insist that she identify him. Who else was with them when she met him at the bar?

Alternatively (in front of her) call her parents and ask who this guy is that sends 100s of texts to your wife.

Contact the other people present at the bar and identify this guy. If he's married, out him to his wife.

Talk to an attorney about what would happen if you divorce. If she asks why, tell her you're researching divorce.
See your doctor for sleeping meds and/or anxiety meds.

Go to the gym....lose weight and get in shape...buy some new clothes...take up a new hobby.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

“Did you cheat on me with this guy?”

“What? No. Not _with *him*_.”

:lol: :rofl:


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Gus, don't let anybody accuse you of not listening to women.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

The sentence has strange construction. It makes one wonder.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

You confronted too early. That said buy 2 Voice Activated Recorders. Install 1 in her car and 1 in the place in your house she is most likely to sit and speak on the phone. 

There is something definately wrong here and she is up to no good. Hopefully the VAR's will confirm it and to what extent this has progressed.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How do oh know he lives s far away. All then to you had on hm turned out to be fake. 

Do not say or do a single thing that can make her suspicious of your suspicions.

You said they had some fav book messenger chats. Can you get on her Facebook? Go through her friends profiles and check them out for discrepancies. He had to have a Facebook page to message her. 

Since their are no new messages, she has found a new way to contact him. New apps on phone, check her phone acts for past and current app purchases. Look for a burner phone. One man found the phone in a storage box in the basement. It could be anywhere. If it is a work
Place affair you will have a hard time.

Actauqlly, this sounds like a long term affair that doesn’t include love, just kicks and giggles. Not finding anything provocative in her messages indicates a long term affair since that sounds like the way married couples talk.

Her love bombng you may as well been an admission of guilt. The ruined night was something about a major disagreement. How are things since? Was that a one off? If so she got over it too quickly.

As said get two vars. If there s a burner that should turn it up.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Hey Styles what have you found?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Decorum said:


> Hey Styles what have you found?


 Do you know what Styles found out? He found out that we are asking him to find out the truth, and he is not ready for the truth. Or as they say,


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