# New, need advice and to share story



## smartblondie02 (Jun 30, 2011)

This post might also be appropriate for the 'infidelity' section of this forum, but I will just post it here first.
My wife and I (we are lesbians) have been married for a year (our marriage is legal in every state that recognizes gay marriage). Before that, we were engaged for a year, and dated a few months before that. Prior to that, we were friends for two years.
I don't know what background information is relevant for people to truly understand the gravity of the situation. I am willing to answer any questions you guys might have.

For the past six months I had been suffering, unknowingly, with depression. This left me unable to meet a lot of my wife's needs, even though I really tried. My wife tried to tell me several times that I should get help, and I finally did, two months ago. She told me that she was unhappy, a couple of times, but never truly told me the extent to which she was unhappy, or why. Prior to this, I had thought we had great communication, but it has become obvious that we kept feelings from each other in order to 'spare' the other. During this time I had depression, I exhibited all the symptoms that are common with severe clinical depression: irritability, mood swings, loss of sex drive, unpredictable behavior, feeling hopeless etc. She tried to keep me afloat for a long time, but eventually she didn't have anymore to give.
She made friends at her school with another lesbian who was in a LTR. They seemed to really hit it off. I was glad that she had found a friend, and that some of the pressure might be off of me for a while, while I recovered from my depression. Then things started to change. They started being more openly 'touchy' with each other, spending a lot of time togehter, and texting constantly. Everytime my wife and I would do something, she was involved. I got suspicious, and, skipping all the denials I got and the conversations we had about it, I eventually caught them during my lunch break having sex (this was one month ago). She then professed to me that she felt like it was 'too late' for us and that she was in love with the other girl (btw, My wife is 13 yrs older than OW). This was no less than two weeks after I had started my treatment for my problems (which were unrelated to our marriage). She said she was no longer 'in love' with me. We took a break from each other for about 6 days, during which we exchanged emails dealing with a lot of topics about how we felt about our marriage. long letters. I know I probably pleaded too much for her to stay and pressured her too much. For a while after she came home, she stopped wearing her wedding ring and moved into the other bedroom. Well, now she has moved back in to sleeping in bed with me (no sex, obviously), is wearing her ring (she feels obligated to do so), and even though she goes and still sees OW occasionally and talks to OW all the time, she swears she is not having sex with her, touching her intimately, and everytime she is with her there are other people around (I have corroboration on this). I asked her to do at LEAST that for me, for right now, because she refuses to cut off all contact with OW. She says she doesn't want to 'hurt anybody'. I found out that they started sharing intimate things with each other since about two-two and a half months ago. notes written during class and text messages. My wife had PLENTY of opportunities to decide it was a bad idea or to say 'stop', but she didn't. Even though she said that the feelings just 'snuck up on her', I now know that they didn't. She cultivated them over the course of a whole month.

We are going to marriage counseling, but she seems unwilling to discuss the things that are holding her back from giving our marriage serious consideration of continuing. There are plenty of reasons for us not to end our relationship, and she sees them, but the feelings she is having, the internal conflict, is tearing her up. She still says she feels its 'too late'. She says all the passion and fire she had for me is gone and she doesn't think it will ever come back. That she thinks that marrying me in the first place was a mistake. 

I have asked her to be honest with me about where she goes and who she is there with. She has, for the most part, been agreeable to do this. I have also asked her to sleep at home everynight, something that we had to discuss with a marriage counselor before she would really agree to it, and even if she comes home at 3am, she at least comes home. The times before I asked her to do that that she didn't, she always felt really bad about letting me down. But she says that when she is home that she is not happy, and is often 'acting' for my sake, so that I won't be miserable all the time. It is really tiring her out. She still spends one on one time with me a couple of times a week, so this is good, but I don't know how much longer she can keep it up.

I know that its unfair for me in the situation to be the one asking HER to stay and work on our marriage. But that is the fact. That is not going to change. I want to fight for our marriage. So telling me that I shouldn't be the one begging her to stay is not helpful. I need practical advice on how to move forward.

Recently I came across 'Divorce Busting' and 'Divorce Remedy' and 'Not Just Friends'. They have all been extremely helpful. But I feel like that despite the help its given me, my situation hasn't improved. I know it is still early in this process. But I feel I am fighting two different things that need to be addressed separately, but whose emotions I feel together. The infidelity, and her wanting to leave our marriage.And even though its early, my wife still feels an urge to throw in the towel, thinking it will make things easier, and so she can 'get on with her life'.

I have made recent changes in my behavior and in my dealings with her that she is noticing as positive changes. I know that this situation stems from other problems in our marriage, that I was equally responsible for. I have accepted this and am ready to confront them and work on solutions for them. But my wife is not ready for this. I doubt she even has a clear enough head to give our marriage an objective evaluation, that it is clouded by the powerful and painful emotions we are both still feeling. that's why it scares me even more that even today, she said she felt it was just too late, and that she didn't know what to do anymore, because she couldn't continue this way.

This situation is extremely painful and complex. Any helpful advice would be appreciated.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

At the core this story is the same as many many others. Things got rough and you partner decided to cheat instead of fix things with you. Marriages are hard and in almost every one a partner needs to decide to wait and put in the work or screw someone else.

No matter your issues, your partner decided to cheat. You are not to blame for her actions. You contributed to the issues, but the cheater is fully responsible for their own actions.

The too late is all to common as well. It is in fact not too late with a good mc and hard work, but you both need to want it. You made your decision to stick around even through cheating. Your partner has a choice to make and there is no promise it will be you. Despite vows, too many people make the wrong choice.

Best of luck. All you can do is keep trying. Your partners choice is her own that you can effect, but not make for her or force her in any way.

Fixing this will take 6 - 24 months. Many people quit because it takes so long and is so hard. 
It's easier to pack bags, not fix your own issues, and move on. Too often people bring the same issues into their next failed relationship.
I suggest you try to fix it, but there is no silver bullet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smartblondie02 (Jun 30, 2011)

Yeah anx, this is one of the things that has been hardest for me to accept, but I am working on it. It was her choice, and it is also her choice to choose to stay and at least try to work it out. I still have hope. I cannot force her to do anything. And if she does decide to give us another chance, I want it to be her decision, so that she will stick with it. Thanks for the support.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Unfortunately (or maybe down the road it could end up as fortunately for you), nothing can improve or change unless she wants it to, if you both want it to. One person can't hold it together alone. Unless you'd consider an open marriage where she comes and goes as she pleases. Otherwise I'd say take time to heal yourself - from the depression and from being let down by your wife. Best wishes.


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## CoffeeTime (Jul 3, 2011)

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I guess for me, one stipulation I would have given to continue working on the relationship would be that she not communicate to her friend she cheated on you with. 

If she is communicating to you that she feels it is too late and that marrying you was a mistake... are you listening?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My advice is to post this in Coping with Infidelity.

The fact is: as long as she's involved with the OW, you have no marriage to speak of. If she refuses to cut off contact with her, you need to decide whether you are going to tolerate an open marriage (cause that is essentially what you have) OR put your foot down and tell her it either ends or she loses you. You have to mean it though.

NOW is not the time to be a doormat. YOu already see what being a doormat, begging, pleading, chasing does in these types of situations. 

If OW's long term partner doesn't know, you MUST expose the affair to her. Immediately. And do this without teling your wife or the OW. Cause if you let them know beforehand what you are going to do, that gives them time to get their story straight, corroborate things, and make YOU out to the the psycho.


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## trying4forever (Jul 8, 2011)

I think you are amazing for sticking it through facing your demons and taking your commitment seriously because so many people do not. I think you should keep fighting and if your wife chooses to not fight to fix it at least you tried your best. I hope you find your happy ending!


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## smartblondie02 (Jun 30, 2011)

Last couple of weeks have been really rough. She is really mentally unstable and is not coping well with what she has done. She is in tears all the time. 
Last night she was balling in my arms and she said it was because she felt she had to 'let me go' - but her excuse was that it was causing me pain. Well, of course it is, but if you believe something is worth fighting for, you stick through the pain. She is to the point where she is trying to find ways out to make it easier on her, although she is not admitting it to herself. I know that if she leaves, she will go to OW. I have no doubt of this, even though she denies it. 
Is there anything I can say to her help her understand that just bailing so soon after everything has happened is probably not in our best interests? I am not a masochist. I don't want to make her or I suffer for indefinite periods of time for no reason, but I feel like alot of things still need to be worked out between us before we 'throw in the towel', if that's what ends up happening. I am doubting more every day that she has the strength to stick through this. She doesn't seem to understand that the 'story' of her affair is just like everyone else's. She uses the same phrases and same excuses that all betraying spouses use to justify their feelings and actions. That she is most likely not 'in love', and that if she gives it a try, in all likelihood it will fail. 
I just don't know what to say to her anymore. I know I can't force her to stay. Is there any logic or something I can say that will help her realize that her situation is not unique? That by just running away it will make her problems worse, not better?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You can do the 180, and that's about it. She needs to decide it for herself. Women especially will not change their feelings based on logic like you say. Truth to them is very much defined by feelings. 

She will decide based on her past, morals, how you have responded, what you are going to do from here, and importantly the feelings she is going through and will go through. 

All you can do is be strong, stable, and stick with it. She is going to be an emotional rollercoaster.

I might suggest you read love must be tough. The first chapter is free to read online at amazon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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