# So you don't like the comments on your post?



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

GXXXXXX said:


> I regret posting my story here !


Why? 
Because the folks here are asking you to take a look in the mirror?

Truth hurts, eh?
*
GXXXXX* - Some posters can be brutal, for sure. Just understand that no one here is saying any of this to cause you pain, but rather in hopes that you WILL take an honest look at yourself and your situation. 

Most here on TAM have "been there - done that" and have tattered t-shirts to prove it. They've made me take that hard look at myself, I don't like what I see, and I'm taking a proactive approach to changing myself* first*. 

Regardless of whether the future unfolds as I'd like, I will be a much better person going forward in life.


*GXXXXXXX:* I was replying the above comment to your post, and the thread had been removed, so I sent this as a private message.

I too, have removed a post I made when I first came to TAM - because the comments made me look at myself, and I didn't like what I saw.

I have continued to stay and read, and I hope you will do the same. You'll find the same situations keep popping up over and over, and you will discover that you are definitely not alone.

Some posters are more bitter and hardline than others - some are downright hateful. Allow the wind to blow the chaff away, and if you are honest with yourself, you will find much healing and some very good plans of action.

Remember, you cannot change the thoughts and actions of others, you can only change yourself.

Whatever you decide - I wish you the best of luck.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

The crazy part is that most everyone that posts here already KNOWS its just too hard to acknowledge it!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Good, Bad, Indifferent, Like, Not Like, it's all up to you and your perception

I will tell you this straight out----you put the whole package together---and there is not a counselor anywhere on this planet, that can come anywhere CLOSE---to what you will get here, in the way of help/info.

The combined, wealth of knowledge out of these posters, well lets just say there is none better

You will get advice, on what to do, whether you take it, is up to you, whether you read it, is up to you, whether you use it, is up to you,----but put us all together, and we do cover every situation a betrayed, or wayward, has been involved in, or come up against


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

It is true that people here can be brutal, and as others have said, you have to separate the wheat from the chaff. But it is also true that there is a great deal of experience here, and you can benefit from that.

We all think our situations are unique (mine certainly is), yet, in many ways, references to "the script" seem to ring true so many times it's almost undeniable.

One other thing that should be said: friendships are developed here, as well, and that kind of support can make all the difference in the darkest hours of your A situation. There have been times when there was absolutely no one else to turn to, and I found solace and comfort here.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

not everyone wants this sort of help, so chasing after them isn't going to do any good


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> not everyone wants this sort of help, so chasing after them isn't going to do any good


Agreed Ar. I guess my posting this is to let others know how much this forum has helped me realize that my personal issues and shortcomings created the disaster my 24 year marriage has become.

The truth can be ugly and hard to accept.

I will be forever indebted to the people here.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I don’t pay it much mind. It is almost a ‘right of passage’. There are so many of us that sort of needed to ignore the advice, do our own thing, and get burned before we’d wake up. You almost need to get kicked while you are already down by your wayward spouse before you can truly ‘buy into’ that idea that they, no matter how much you want to believe in them, do not have your interest at heart. 

It’s almost like before they break you again, you are desperately clinging to the idea that “they aren’t really like this”. Almost believing maybe they were brain washed, went mental, or were replaced by body snatchers. The reality is they aren’t someone else... you just don’t want to give the idea that they aren’t who you thought they were real consideration...

The sad part is..... Most come back and ‘re-read’ the advice beating up on themselves for not following it all from the start and just cherry picking things. It’s ok.... Most of us did that too. It’s almost a part of the betrayed script.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Lots of people on here I will never agree with, I'm sure the same can be said of my point of veiw on things. I can be a d*ckhead and stubborn just like anyone else. Thats the thing though, you need people to argue and disagree with you. Otherwise whats the point, got to have a balance of some kind.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I was scared of posting a topic here as some of the responses looked brutal. 

However once I posted it wasn't that bad. I may feel like I'm batsh1t crazy, but the reality is what I am feeling is normal. 

Now, when the cheaters post here looking for validation to cheat. /boggle

If anything in was hoping for more feedback. But my story is pretty boring, which is good. I think.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Acoa said:


> If anything in was hoping for more feedback. But my story is pretty boring, which is good. I think.


A story is never boring to one of the main characters


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

From JNJ Express

"I will tell you this straight out----you put the whole package together---and there is not a counselor anywhere on this planet, that can come anywhere CLOSE---to what you will get here, in the way of help/info.

The combined, wealth of knowledge out of these posters, well lets just say there is none better"


SO WELL STATED !


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

Here’s the issue. 

GXXXXX made it clear in his opening post that D was not an option. When one chooses to stand for their marriage and hold true to the vows they made to THEMSELVES, they need to surround themselves with people who support this decision. 

Saving, or even maintaining a M takes real effort. Reading “it’ll never work” or “give it up” is not helpful in the least when one is divorce busting. Neither is allowing yourself to be drawn into discussions where you feel forced to justify your decision to stand. This is a complete waste of your time, which could be better spent in so many more productive ways.

Marriages take time to turn around. Just because someone said “I’m not in love with you”, or even had an affair, doesn’t mean you just throw in the towel. Well, for some of us anyway.

Because of this I don’t blame GXXXX one bit for deleting his thread. He needs to find support from those who understand his decision to stand, and that was clearly lacking in his thread. 

GXXXX, if you are reading this, Bust On my friend!


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

AlmostYoung said:


> Here’s the issue.
> 
> GXXXXX made it clear in his opening post that D was not an option. When one chooses to stand for their marriage and hold true to the vows they made to THEMSELVES, they need to surround themselves with people who support this decision.
> 
> ...


What I have learned after going through the looking glass is that throwing in the towel can be the first step in saving a marriage. That act of directly trying to save the marriage more times than not backfires because the BS misses the big picture and takes the wrong attitude towards it.

The WS did something wrong, you don’t reward the bad behavior or else you send the message that you are weak and end up enabling the A instead of stopping it. This makes the BS unattractive plus they think if they can compete with AP then the WS will choose them over the AP. It doesn’t work that way.

We all want what we can’t have. If the WS knows the BS will always be there but feels that have to keep the AP interested or else they may leave then they will ALWAYS pursue the AP over the BS. You have to turn the tables on the WS by doing the 180 and let it be known you are out the door. If the WS believes the BS will leave them and never look back then the BS becomes more desirable than the AP.

This is why I always tell people to file (or at least get the paperwork or talk to a lawyer) because giving up on the marriage “wakes up” a WS faster than anything else. You can never nice them back and long term you end up regretting being so nice to someone you stabs you in the back like this. The best thing you can do is take control of your life and don’t let the WS dictate what happens. To get a true R, the WS has to be begging for you not to leave them, not the other way around.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

A good idea behind this thread...no doubt. Some are just not ready or able to "hear" this kind of tough love advice.

However, I want to point out that some comments are simply not good. I can't tell you how many people told me that Regret was having 3-somes with her xOM and our former friends and how there are countless pictures and videos that were taken...

Yeah...see...that doesn't help. Some might think that it is a way to "scare straight" a BS. I think innuendo is a very fine line when talking to someone who doesn't have all the info on their WS, especially in the early days of Dday or pre-Dday. 

We can all think that our advice is good. Just remember that there really is a living, breathing person with hurt feelings on the other side of the screen.

EDIT: Also, don't get ticked off if anyone decides to not follow your exact bit of advice. We've all seen where someone suggests something and the OP says no...so the poster just keeps hammering. Yeah...don't do that.


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