# She wants to be married but wants to be single?



## dmz (Sep 14, 2012)

I am having a really hard time understanding my finacee... we were recently engaged and things are developing as they should....we recently had two long discussions on how we are feeling about eachother....She tells me she is in love with me and my heart believes this to be true... so I asked her what her biggest fear is about me is....I was expecting something that maybe I don't notice that i do, but she said it was when she wants to go out with her friends that I may have a fit ..... 

I told her that her statement has nothing to do with me, and I now am disappointed in her because if this is the biggest fear you have..... what confidence does that give me that she is serious about marriage if all she is worried about is going out with her friends? It came off as very immature as she has mentioned this twice....Ive said if before several times to her and I don't think she gets it...you can't have your cake and eat it too.... I am seriously doubting the marriage right now because there is no way I am going to spend my life with a woman that wants to reap all the benefits of having a husband but at the same act like doesn't have one.....my only concern is how to really let her know that her way of thinking is not going to benefit our future at all. I am posting this for insight because she does have great potential with me but I am not willing to move any further until she adjusts her thinking.....


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Um.... Yeah, kinda does sound like she has a justifiable fear then.

Some men are fine with women keeping friendships going with single friends. Some men are not secure enough in their relationships to let a girl go out on "girls night out", without worrying that she will be flirting, etc. 

It is time to spend with her friends... You need to let her keep her friends... IF you don't she will just resent it in the end & it will probably be a point of contention between you two.

I kind of agree with you... If you cannot feel confident enough in her love for you to let her go out with her friends (either while engaged, or while married..) then I'd say it is not the time to get married.

Don't waste a year or two of marriage, just to find out later that this is something important to her. If she is a social person, then spending social time with her friends will be important. She should not have to stop it, just because she is now married to the man she loves, instead of dating the man she loves.

Talk. You two seem to need to openly discuss your opinions about friendships and if they will be allowed (and to what extent) after the wedding.

Does she get upset when you go out with your friends? Or are you just not social & don't do "guy stuff" with a buddie or two? How do you feel if it is time spent shopping.. or going for coffee during day/weekend with her friend. Are you okay with that contact, but just not if she goes out for girls night?

And... if you are wanting her to "Adjust her thinking"... Um, maybe you'd be better off without her. Her thinking, is her thinking .. as it is.. You either accept her personality, or you don't. Don't marry someone thinking you can change them into the person you want.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

How do you react when she wants to spend time with her female friends? If your reaction to her wanting to do so is her "biggest fear," I'm wondering just what that reaction has been in the past?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

dmz,

You are right to be hesitant.

However, I doubt there is anything you can say that would open her eyes. She obviously has a very different idea what marriage is about. I seriously doubt she do more than feign understanding if you say anything different than you already have.

Sorry but my opinion from the outside looking in is call off the wedding. She's definitely not ready now and I am pretty sure she won't be for a long time (if ever)


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Perhaps you've demonstrated controlling/jealous tendencies before, and she's concerned it might be worse when you get married?

My personal perspective is that it's unreasonable for someone to give up all traces of their "pre-marriage" life when they get married, and it's unhealthy to the marriage to do so. That doesn't mean people should continue going out to meat-market bars till 3 in the morning. 

C


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## dmz (Sep 14, 2012)

some of your posts are fine...but missed my point ... her going out with her friends means nothing to me..... my point is this is what she brings up everytime.... its almost like she would love for me to have an issue with it so she can be justified in going out....I've told her a million times ...if she wants to go out with her friends...that is her business.... I just feel that having serious discussions about our future together has nothing to do with her friends....there are only two people getting married,,,,


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## dmz (Sep 14, 2012)

I don't truly feel that she is ready ....I am going to hold off on this wedding and all the other plans she is so willing to do with her mind set i.e- have a babe thru IVF...(what was I thinking???)


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## AsTheStoryGoes (Oct 10, 2012)

It sounds to me like she's worried you're not going to give her some freedom when you two seal the deal. She must have these feelings or worries for a legitimate reason, have you made a big deal when she's gong out with her friends in the past? When she's going out, are we talking about going clubbing or to bars, and how often? Would you be allowed to do the same things with your friends? As long as she's not going out every weekend I don't see the problem. Each spouse should be allowed some amount of freedom.. I would never stop my husband from going out with his friends, and the same goes for him with me. It's not something that needs to happen a lot, or every weekend, but it's nice every once in a while just to get away.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

dmz said:


> some of your posts are fine...but missed my point ... her going out with her friends means nothing to me..... my point is this is what she brings up everytime.... its almost like_ she would love for me to have an issue with it so she can be justified in going out_....I've told her a million times ...if she wants to go out with her friends...that is her business.... I just feel that having serious discussions about our future together has nothing to do with her friends....there are only two people getting married,,,,


She wants you to have issues with her going out? :scratchhead: That sounds very immature, and I'm not surprised that you're having second thoughts, OP.


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## AsTheStoryGoes (Oct 10, 2012)

dmz said:


> some of your posts are fine...but missed my point ... her going out with her friends means nothing to me..... my point is this is what she brings up everytime.... its almost like she would love for me to have an issue with it so she can be justified in going out....I've told her a million times ...if she wants to go out with her friends...that is her business.... I just feel that having serious discussions about our future together has nothing to do with her friends....there are only two people getting married,,,,


Posted my response before I read this, I see what you're saying now. In that case, I think it would be best to just hold off on the wedding if she's giving you this reason continually as to why she's not sure about getting married. It's natural to be a little nervous about it, but if she's not sure then it's not a great idea. You would always be wondering if she regretted her decision. :/


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I think it has everything to do with you, her and marriage. My ex-wife told me, "You didn't want me to go out with my friends." That is not true. I never said that. On the other hand, I did not go out with "the guys" and now wonder if that is what she meant? Maybe she felt if I wasn't going out, she couldn't. That is not the case, but we never discussed it because it was not a big issue for me.

Something to think about. Good luck.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

She has either been burned in the past by a jealous ex-bf (in which case you need to hold off on the wedding because she is projecting ex-bf's problems onto YOU)

OR

She is subconsciously warning you that she likes to party-hearty and it's NOT going to change after your wedding.

HOW LONG have you and fiancee been dating?


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## dmz (Sep 14, 2012)

that is it.... i think its more a big deal for her about going out.. I don't care either way.... I go out but I mostly focus on my musical pursuits most of my closest friends are out of state.... I don't associate with a lot of males where i stay .... but I don't feel that this going out thing should even be a thought when we discuss our future...it should be about the serious things not a trivial pursuit....


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Her concerns that you don't want her to go out with her friends is very vague. As usual, you're getting a lot of advice from people that don't understand the whole context of the situation. We don't know what your fiance has in mind. Is she talking about going to the movies, dinners or clubbing? Are we talking about spend an evening with friends and back by 10 or 11 pm or we talking about her out till 4 am or even regularly crashing at various houses? Are her GNO's expected to be once a month, every weekend or weekends plus a few nights during the week?

Before you can get any useful advice, you need to get a better handle on what her expectations are for "me" time. I wouldn't dismiss her concern out of hand because she may be concerned that you would be a controlling husband. I'm not saying that you're controlling, but maybe the fiance is worried about it - especially if she thinks that you might change after the wedding.


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## dmz (Sep 14, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> She has either been burned in the past by a jealous ex-bf (in which case you need to hold off on the wedding because she is projecting ex-bf's problems onto YOU)
> 
> OR
> 
> ...


I think you are right.... and I am going to bring this up becuase I am nothing like anyone she has been with...believe me I've seen the riff raff she was involved with before she met me...the dude was 13 years older, no job...no license and dumped his kids on her ...straight loser.... sorry had to to be honest on that one.... were going on 2 yrs.... and I am so sure now that I don't want to be tied down to someone who doesn't want it as much as I do..


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

dmz said:


> that is it.... i think its more a big deal for her about going out.. I don't care either way.... I go out but I mostly focus on my musical pursuits most of my closest friends are out of state.... I don't associate with a lot of males where i stay .... but I don't feel that this going out thing should even be a thought when we discuss our future...it should be about the serious things not a trivial pursuit....


It's hard to take this in context. Firstly what does she mean by going out? Supper with girlfriends or clubbing?
Have you ever showed disapproval with her time with friends or made comment about it negatively?
At the start of our marriage my husband would pout when I went for supper every 2 months with my girlfriends. As 'trivial' as you call it, it was a big deal. It made me feel cornered in. I wasn't out trolling and was home by decent hour. All of my friends are married - totally innocent.
I also find your comments about changing her way of thinking just as concerning as to your readiness for marriage as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You discovered her values system is different than yours.

Changing someone's values is impossible.

Realize that you just discovered why people spend time dating and engaged prior to marriage.


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## dmz (Sep 14, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Her concerns that you don't want her to go out with her friends is very vague. As usual, you're getting a lot of advice from people that don't understand the whole context of the situation. We don't know what your fiance has in mind. Is she talking about going to the movies, dinners or clubbing? Are we talking about spend an evening with friends and back by 10 or 11 pm or we talking about her out till 4 am or even regularly crashing at various houses? Are her GNO's expected to be once a month, every weekend or weekends plus a few nights during the week?
> 
> Before you can get any useful advice, you need to get a better handle on what her expectations are for "me" time. I wouldn't dismiss her concern out of hand because she may be concerned that you would be a controlling husband. I'm not saying that you're contro....ling, but maybe the fiance is worried about it - especially if she thinks that you might change after the wedding.


Im glad someone understands and fully reads my posts before just throwing up generic advice....she mentions going out with her friends who most of them are married and its not about going to nightclubs or meat markets....Ive always been the kind to let people be and she knows this...this is why I feel this is extremely immature and disheartening to me as i see her as being way bigger than this... I always give her me time wheneve she needs it...perfect example.... it takes her 4 hours to get ready for the next work day...what do I do....I watch the baby( who is adopted( I met him when he was 3months) and let her do her hair nails and get clothes ready..... I am always there to help out and give her time that she needs.... my only concern and this is a big one : she wants to have a child with me thru IVF ( for obivous reasons) but I cannot see myself babysitting two kids if her mind set is going to be all about this going out all the time.... that is unfair and you would think she would plan something for us....she never does....I have planned and arranged care for the baby for our date nights and believe me that is something that rarely happens now ...so Its not to sound rough around the edges but realistic....If all she has on her mind is when is the next time for girls night out and we are not doing much of anything now...I would be a fool to marry her , and on top of it have a child with her..... this is done in my mind....RED FLAG for real


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## dmz (Sep 14, 2012)

golfergirl said:


> It's hard to take this in context. Firstly what does she mean by going out? Supper with girlfriends or clubbing?
> Have you ever showed disapproval with her time with friends or made comment about it negatively?
> At the start of our marriage my husband would pout when I went for supper every 2 months with my girlfriends. As 'trivial' as you call it, it was a big deal. It made me feel cornered in. I wasn't out trolling and was home by decent hour. All of my friends are married - totally innocent.
> I also find your comments about changing her way of thinking just as concerning as to your readiness for marriage as well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you may find it concerning because your perception of it was not what I wrote.... I said adjust not change..... have you ever bothered to read the slogan of this forum : The only constant in marriage is chanfe...and Im not asking her to change....I have never said in any posts that I have a problem with her going out so you are missing the point like most of the other posts,,,, all I am saying is there are more important issues to worry about when two people consider marriage and children....going out with friends is trivial .... your friends are your friends...but your mate is your life partner..... there is a difference.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Didn't you already start a different thread for this exact same purpose?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

The biggest concern she has before marrying you is that you won't let her get away from you enough.


Hmmm....


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

turnera said:


> Didn't you already start a different thread for this exact same purpose?


Yes, he did Turnera. And I found this gem in it pretty quickly.



dmz said:


> ...she still has an account open to a hook up site that she know I am aware of and I have asked her to close.


Time to move on, my friend.


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## dmz (Sep 14, 2012)

Hicks said:


> You discovered her values system is different than yours.
> 
> Changing someone's values is impossible.
> 
> Realize that you just discovered why people spend time dating and engaged prior to marriage.


I appreciate this... and yes my eyes are opened to her way of thinking and believe me when I say this will be discussed thorou ghly and I am not making any further plans with her for now.....I feel she just needs to grow up a bit....there is plenty of time for friends and going out...time apart is cool. I just need her to see that there are much more important things to worry about.... Im not trying to change her ...just help her to grow in her journey as she has helped me....that is why I love her...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What goes on in marriages sometimes is this.

Wife makes an unreasonable demand.

Husband does not want to be a jerk, and therefore agrees to it.

Wife now knows she rules the marriage and can do what she wants.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

dmz said:


> I am not willing to move any further until she adjusts her thinking.....


Enough said, let's just say I read through the lines and probably more carefully than you intended.

What's wrong with a mature discussion about what she means by that and what her concerns are? Why not put her concerns to rest instead of calling her down for it. If such a wrong answer what are you doing engaged to her? Would you rather her worry be that you are a condescending jerk? Just saying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

dmz said:


> *y only concern and this is a big one : she wants to have a child with me thru IVF ( for obivous reasons) but I cannot see myself babysitting two kids if her mind set is going to be all about this going out all the time.... *
> 
> 
> *that is unfair and you would think she would plan something for us....she never does....I have planned and arranged care for the baby for our date nights and believe me that is something that rarely happens now ...*


OP, I think you're jumping around on this a little and may not be thinking this through rationally. Apologies if you are, but I think you're feeling hurt and are angry right now. I highlighted 2 snippets from your response that I find interesting. To put his into context, you advised that your wife's friends are married and have no interest in the bar/clubbing/meat market scene. With this in mind, I'll address the 2 snippets I have above:

First, did you have the conversation with her regarding how frequently she wants to go out with her friends? Based on the way the were described, I'm guessing they are not going to have her out every day at all hours of the day. You need to talk to her about this. She may still be concerned that you are going to try to lock her down and control her. I know how stated this isn't a problem as singles who are dating; however, her fear may be that you'll be different once you are married. I'm guessing her fear may be analogous to those men who are concerned about their GFs drastically cutting back on sex once married. Something you should consider.

Your other beef with her is that she does not plan dates for just the two of you. Is she a planner by nature or does she rarely if ever plan things? I agree it's a red flag if she plans her friend outings but never anything for the two of you. However, if she is not a planner by nature, she may not be used to doing this. 

Before you do anything rash, make sure the two of you talk through these issues so that you can get the clarity you need before pulling the trigger on dumping her.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

dmz said:


> that is it.... i think its more a big deal for her about going out.. I don't care either way.... I go out but I mostly focus on my musical pursuits most of my closest friends are out of state.... I don't associate with a lot of males where i stay .... but I don't feel that this going out thing should even be a thought when we discuss our future...it should be about the serious things not a trivial pursuit....


Oh, what she's describing is not a trivial pursuit at all! If she said that she feels controlled by you, would that be serious? I think she's letting you know that she's uncomfortable with something related to power and control, which is most definitely important. 

If anything, I get the impression that YOU aren't giving enough consideration to just what marriage means. Marriage means every single aspect of your life is now connected to what another person wants and needs.


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## gdtm0111 (Oct 15, 2012)

Tunera and MrK found the other thread the OP made. and the OP states that he is aware she has an open account to some hook-up site. RED FLAG!

if you are in a committed relationship for 2 years, and engaged to someone, doesn't that mean giving up your Match or AFF account? if the role was reversed and the OP was the woman in the relationship and had said "he has an active hook up account", wouldn't that be a sign for her to jump ship?

DMZ - I'm not saying that you should jump to any conclusions, and I believe alot of what has been said is good advice. Have the conversations with her before making any serious decisions.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

No disrespect but you do sound controlling & bit disrespectful to many members here who are simply trying to help you. 

You asked her a question & she answered but you don't like the answer.

Fair enough.

I would advise your fiancee not to marry you until you can get this all sorted out...if she was here.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

dmz said:


> some of your posts are fine...but missed my point ... her going out with her friends means nothing to me..... my point is this is what she brings up everytime.... its almost like she would love for me to have an issue with it so she can be justified in going out....I've told her a million times ...if she wants to go out with her friends...that is her business.... I just feel that having serious discussions about our future together has nothing to do with her friends....there are only two people getting married,,,,


Do His Needs Her Needs together. Do the boundary setting.

There are friends and there are friends. Maybe she is negotiating for something who knows. But best to talk this stuff over before marriage. The transition to marriage can be tough for some.

Maybe you guys are not compatible.

But this said know your boundaries. Do not allow anyone to tell you your boundaries are jealous, insecure or controlling. They are yours and you have a right to them. Do not compromise on your true boundaries. To do that you have to know exactly what they are. It is fine to compromise on things that do not challeneg the integrity of your boundaries.

Start talking to her about what you guys think marriage will be like. She seems overly concerned about her friends but it is of course hard to tell why.

You may have covered this. How old are you guys?

There are marriage friendly GNOs and then there is party girl stuff and everything in between so I am with those that say find out EXACTLY what she is talking about. You staying home watching the kids while she is out partying is not a good idea. Does she hangout with guys? If so run away.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

dmz said:


> some of your posts are fine...but missed my point ... her going out with her friends means nothing to me..... my point is this is what she brings up everytime.... its almost like she would love for me to have an issue with it so she can be justified in going out....I've told her a million times ...if she wants to go out with her friends...that is her business.... I just feel that having serious discussions about our future together has nothing to do with her friends....there are only two people getting married,,,,


Okay, this brings it to a bit different of a light.... With what you said here.. that you have continually said you were okay with her going out with her friends..

Well, maybe, has she had a serious relationship before you that the guy was extrememly controlling? Or maybe her mother is cow-tied by her father? Somewhere, something is triggering this fear. Especially if she has brought it up a number of times.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Either that or she's just selfish and is marrying you to be her Sugar Daddy.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

either that or she has some events planned that she knows you wouldn't approve of if you took you head out of the sand. She's prepping for that eventuality. 

Her, coming in a 3AM reeking of men's cologn: 'we talked about this. You said you'd have no problem with me going out with my friends.'


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