# Sexual Help



## SexualIssues (Oct 20, 2012)

There are a lot of sexual issues in my marriage. First marriage with 3 kids, been married for 14 years. We are both in our early 30's.

We have sex about once a week, but that is not good enough for me. A few years ago, its like all of a sudden, my wife's sexual desire diminished. I was thinking that maybe it is the birth control...don't know for sure. My wife has lost her libido and views herself very insecurely. She hates the way she looks and this hinders her sexual performance. And yes, I have assured her that I am attractive to her and desire her and it doesn't matter what her body looks like (she is only a size 13 in pant size).

I know that the stress of three kids often weights her down and her desire to have sex is a tough one. Also, she never initiates sex, which is hard for me, because I hate to keep begging her. I hate the begging aspect. I wish my wife initiated more or at least showed a desire that she desires my body. I feel undesirable and unwanted sexually by my wife...that is how I feel. When we have sex, its great and we both always have an orgasm. There is just so much on my wife's mind that it is hard for her to get in the mood.

She gets depressive at times and feels like a failure (which in a sense she is, in the realm of sex), BUT I DO NOT TELL HER THAT! She is sad that she cannot perform the way she use to and she is sad that she cannot please me the way she use to. She doesn't have any answer on how to fix herself. She just gives up and doesn't even try, which doesn't resolve the situation. And we have talk about this issue beyond belief...beat it half to death.

What advice can anyone give to her and what advice can anyone give to me?


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

It could be hormonal. After our second child my wife's libido went way down and she felt bad about her appearance because of the weight gain. She had some things out of whack and it took years of trial and error at her doctor to get it right. 

But even then she was still LD, regardless if she was able to Lose much of the weight. 

The only way things improved (after 10 years of little sex) was her admitting that she recognized it as a problem and that she wanted to change it for the better, to get back to where we used to be sexually. 

Three things were key: DHEA supplements, 50 Shades books and a rabbit vibrator. I have been a happy man since then (and she a happy woman). Hope you can be, too. 

PS-since our sex life has been sparked, we haven't had one argument and have been doing nice things and favors for one another every minute.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Stop begging and realize once a week is not that bad. especially with three kids.

Now your wife....

If you want more sex then you have to look at things from her perspective. She probably already feels tapped out. She cares for three humans and has another whining she doesn't do enough for him. In her mind that once a week is way more than enough!

Does that make her feel sexy?

You sir... need to become a better man. Your wife needs to improve her self esteem. you can help her with that. You need to nurture the kids and have her see to do that. You need to be committed to her 100%. You need to provide the situation whereby she feels sexy.

Shes had you bone her he same way for 14 years... not exciting anymore... a burden she can easily go without and is starting to realize that. Sleep is better.

So quit crying and do something.... there are no guarantees she'll respond but if she does it'll be because shes hot for what you are giving her.

There are right now three humans more important than you.
She is not a failure. Your thinking is.
You are crushing her self-esteem and that is the #1 requirement for her to desire sex with you. To take it off the chore list and put it on the looking forward to list.

Her sex drive is diminishing for a reason... you/family. Be careful you don't end up caught in a sexless marriage like me. Sex issues are 75% mental with only 25% physical. Odds are she just isn't that into sex mentally. Another chore right now. Her resentment is building.

All you can control is YOU...and occasionally communicate lovingly with your wife. Not about fixing her but letting her know you are longing for her.

She needs to fix herself for herself and make her desire you more.


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## imnotthesame11 (Oct 20, 2012)

try date nights...flowers again...at least shes having it once a week..ur lucky...hell im jealous


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> Three things were key: DHEA supplements, 50 Shades books and a rabbit vibrator. I have been a happy man since then (and she a happy woman). Hope you can be, too.
> 
> .


Really good advice!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Been there, done that. Things continued downhill for us sexually, and my wife refused to try anything to fix the situation. She would blame her BC pill (she was on the to control her cycles, as I was fixed), but refuse to talk to her doctor about any alternatives. She would blame her self esteem due to her weight, but work on her diet or activity level to control her weight. She was great at throwing up barriers.

We've now been separated for almost two years now, with no discussion about reconciling. I couldn't find the magic switch to help her, and she refused to help herself. And I wasn't willing to lead a sexless life. It was building up resentments and frustrations.

C


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Can you try to negotiate for once during the week, and once on the weekend? 
Tell her you love her and need sex to feel connected and loving. 
Ask her if you can schedule sex for certain days; it may make her start to plan for it and look forward to those nights. 
Offer to start with a massage!


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## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

Has she considered going to see a doctor? It sounds like this could be a combination of anxiety/stress/depression and hormonal changes(which could be to do with the birth control pill she is taking). 

I can understand your frustration, but just being there to support and encourage her(in every aspect of life) might make a positive difference. You said you are intimate once a week...maybe you can make that night a really special one - the sex can be the climax(no pun intended  ) of that special night.


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## sdcott (Oct 9, 2012)

I would talk to a DR. that understands hormone therapy. Often times hormones out of whack will create what you have described. Often it is a cream or something simple. There are blood and saliva test to get the levels and it can be very very helpful.
Hopefully this helps.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Stop begging and realize once a week is not that bad. especially with three kids.
> 
> Now your wife....
> 
> ...


So it's all the husband's fault, basically.
He's a crap human, is boring in bed, a whiner, and a chore to this poor, noble victim that is his wife, and the wife doesn't need to do ANYTHING for him or change her ways for the man she is supposed to love at all.

Nice. Really nice advice.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Get rid of the hormonal birth control !!! It can really screw some women up and destroy their natural drive which can even kill a decent marriage ! So not worth it .


Suggestion -copper IUD... *non hormonal* - can be kept in for up to 12 years, no pills, no fuss, no nothing...can be inserted in the Docs office in a couple minutes...can be taken out at any time -if you decide you want more children. Some insurance plans cover it - mine did. Cost -maybe $300 one time Plus docs visit.

ParaGard® (intrauterine copper contraceptive) so long as she is monogamous and not allergic to copper, this is a great option.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

SpurnedLonelyHusband said:


> So it's all the husband's fault, basically.
> He's a crap human, is boring in bed, a whiner, and a chore to this poor, noble victim that is his wife, and the wife doesn't need to do ANYTHING for him or change her ways for the man she is supposed to love at all.
> 
> Nice. Really nice advice.


Its reality wake up.
Not his fault, heck my sexless marriage was not my fault.

It just is the way "some" wives think. Most women have sex at need #5 or 6 not #1 or 2.
So yes it takes work to get more than you are getting... again I wouldn't cry over weekly.

She can LOVE him without MORE sex. There is no sex stipulation in a marital exchange of vows. Her doing it weekly is enough according to her. He needs to step up his game for more otherwise it'll just build resentment.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

How is the relationship otherwise? Do you both make the marriage the #1 priority in the family?

The book "5 Love Languages" may be worth reading.

Any abuse or assault in her history?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Firstly, stop begging. Right now. It's not "attractive" to a woman.

Can you get a sitter and go away to a hotel every couple of months?
Even just in town. You both get a break from the kids, get some extra sleep, and spend time together as a couple, not just parents.

It's encouraging that she feels sad about it. Really. At least she recognizes that it is hurting you. 

So ask her to help do something about it. Ask her if going away for weekends or getting a sitter every saturday night would help. 

Ask her to write up a schedule. Who does what with the kids, and ask her to schedule relationship time. (please don't word it as sex) but if she understands it's important, then have her MAKE time for both of you as a couple. See what she comes up with. Make some compromises. But make sure there is an opportunity on the calendar for couple time.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> There is no sex stipulation in a marital exchange of vows.


Sure there is. That's why they include "to _have_ and to hold".

To "have" or "know" someone has a specific intimate meaning.


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## SexyChic41 (Oct 21, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Stop begging and realize once a week is not that bad. especially with three kids.
> 
> Now your wife....
> 
> ...



Trying2figureitout!! :smthumbup: Am applauding your response!!!! ...and :iagree: w/ALL said here! You have completely summed up my response; no need for me to respond, other than, THANK YOU for sharing this! WOW!!! May you start having MORE sex w/your wife, SOON! You completely deserve it from this post, alone!


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