# My wife has told me she thinks she is bisexual



## justaman (Nov 3, 2009)

Hi,
I am married with four children all to my wife of eight years, she is 30 I am 28.

She recently has been going through a bad patch with anxiety etc and last night after speaking to samaritans she told me about a thought she had which if she carried through would make her a child abuser (****ing hell I know!) HOWEVER she states that she never would and that she has been having these thoughts as she thinks she could be bisexual. Theres alot of history in her past, she has been raped and throughout senior school she was bullied because they thought she was a lesbian (she swears to this day that she wasn't/isn't). 
WTF do I do???? She states she loves me just the same, she says she is attracted to me, yet I am thinking if her not acting on her sexual tendancies is tearing her up soo much that she is having inappropriate thoughts, then maybe she needs to/must explore this. 
I'm not the kind of person who can say, go and do want you want and come back to me when your ready, its just not me, if she cheats she cheats, with whoever for whatever reason that WILL be the end of our relationship.

Something has to change, if I can't think of anything else the change will have to be seperation, but, the very thought of this, not seeing her and my kids as I do now kills me...HELP I will take any suggestions...thanks....


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

She's married so what's the issue... She shouldn't shag other women the same way she shouldn't shag other men.... simple.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

well if she went as far as to tell you it would seem she is very compelled to act it out. tough situation, i hope she can overcome her desire and realize all of the lives she would be affecting in a negative way, especially the children


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

homosexual impulses are one thing, but child abuser impulses are seriously a DIFFERENT thing altogether!

You need to get her evaluated for this. Has she got a mental illness?

I would not let this drop if I were you.


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## Mrsgomez (Oct 24, 2009)

I am confused as to why she says she would be a child abuser does she want to act these things out on the children. Being bi sexual shouldn't give her a free pass to have sex with girls i agree with sarah she is married if she wanted to explore she should have done it before she got married wasshe maybe in a way trying to get a threesome out of you and would you be into that if she was thats a completely diff issue hope things work out


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## johnluvssarah (Nov 14, 2009)

Consider a threesome? Is that something that you would enjoy? It's most mens fantasy, and I'm one of them. That way she would satisfy her desire for women and you could get a pretty good show, if you're into that. Also having fantasies or dirty thoughts are not illegal, even if the act is so as long as she's not acting on them I don't see anything wrong with that.

Peak in on our marriage at our blog


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## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

Thoughts are one thing,dwelling on them to the point of Fantasy is quite the other.If she is having Fantasies about a young Girl then she may need help.There is a bit of a uncomfortable spot between Fantasy and reality.She may be sharing and not planning to act see.Everyone has thoughts that disturb us.

I have a lot of fantasies,some do NOT involve my wife.Would I act on them....no.Would I act on them with my wife,most of them yes.

If she is sharing these fantasies with you,out of trust.It may backlash if you out her for them.They may be just bad thoughts.
However if you truly feel she would act out these fantasies with a young girl or boy,then you need to seek a doctors help first.Confidentially of coarse.Talk to the doctor in private,alone first.Then if the Doctor seems concerned,try to talk her into therapy.

If she is having Fantasies about Ladies and not Kids.If it truly bothers her,talking would help,even a Doctor may help if she is bothered by these thoughts.However,it is normal to have thoughts of having sex with the same sex from time to time,or at least a passing thought occasionally.

Wish you and her the best.


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## Hekate (Nov 20, 2009)

justaman said:


> Hi,
> I am married with four children all to my wife of eight years, she is 30 I am 28.
> 
> She recently has been going through a bad patch with anxiety etc and last night after speaking to samaritans she told me about a thought she had which if she carried through would make her a child abuser (****ing hell I know!) HOWEVER she states that she never would and that she has been having these thoughts as she thinks she could be bisexual. Theres alot of history in her past, she has been raped and throughout senior school she was bullied because they thought she was a lesbian (she swears to this day that she wasn't/isn't).
> ...


Hi, She has been clear and honest with you. The thoughts that she is having odnt mean she is going to act on them and they are most likely the result of her rape issues than of being bisexual. She has made a choice, that of being with you. The fact that soemtimes she might find other people attractive weather same sex or otherwise doesnt mean she has to act on the attraction. I dont but the 'identitty' argument as a given or as something one must act upon or else pay dire consequences.
This si as much a myth as getting hairy hands if you masturbate.The important thing here is that she is choosing you and talking openly about her worries. If you are present and listen all negativity attached to her thoughts will shift and transform.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

justaman said:


> Hi,
> I am married with four children all to my wife of eight years, she is 30 I am 28.
> 
> She recently has been going through a bad patch with anxiety etc and last night after speaking to samaritans she told me about a thought she had which if she carried through would make her a child abuser (****ing hell I know!) HOWEVER she states that she never would and that she has been having these thoughts as she thinks she could be bisexual. Theres alot of history in her past, she has been raped and throughout senior school she was bullied because they thought she was a lesbian (she swears to this day that she wasn't/isn't).
> ...


***** Please be warned my post below deals with sexual assault and if this is disturbing please don't read or read with caution *****

You have many potentially explosive emotionally and even social/politically charged issues and I really am sorry things are as you say they are.

Here is some advice:

Homosexual desires and thoughts are not always black and white, and like everything a part of human they are from both our biology and our experiences. Yes I know and have closely befriended many homosexual men and women in my life, and from their trusted and candid conversations and friendships I truly believe that yes, many if not most homosexual people are sexually oriented that way from birth and should be allowed to safely and respectfully conduct their lives.

Also I have known some men and women who have identified as homosexual and they have lead me to believe that in their cases it was a grey area issue and have in their lives also had fullfilling heterosexual desires and relationships. In many of these situations it was a woman, very feminine, that had an abusive man in her history and moving away from that instead has found emotional and sexual satisfaction with a woman.

So what to take from this is, not to think your wife is either/or hetersexual or homosexual, but to analyze the issue from the perspective that it is most likely an unfulfilled emotional need or barrier that leads her sexual fantasy to these areas. It is good to see that sexual fantasies often can tell us what we are missing in our emotional relationship.

And my belief, as I have seen in many relationships, is that sexual abuse and assault, here as you define as a rape in her past, produces the most confusion and self-destructive emotional barriers that require very strong men and women to overcome.

First, know that in all your relationships, throughout your life, that most of the women you have known and loved, have been sexually abused, even many brutally raped. (This is a fact and if anyone reading this does not carry anything else away from this post to know it is an insult to speak of rape lightly or jokingly in any way, and is showing great disrespect to all the good women in your life).

I am saying this now because I suspect you treat your wife differently, on many deep emotional levels, because you know she was raped than you would treat her if you did not know this about her. Please understand that, aside from the obvious empathy and loving protection that you feel for her and she needs to experience, that she is still 100 percent a woman and her sexual and emotional connections that she to her husband are just as needing to be built and maintained as would any other woman.

So let me make this plain. If you are denying your wife your full sexual and emotional connection as a man because she was raped, you are fueling the feelings inside of her that she is somehow damaged and less a woman because of the rape. 

This is hard for a good man to understand, but that is because most good men do not take the time to listen to what a woman says about rape. A woman will not say rape is sex. A woman will not say rape is rough sex. A woman will say rape is an emotional assault, and that only the means was the attack on her sexual places. 

To all good men, this is worth as much time as it takes to sink in to understand this.

To a woman, rape is not sex, it is torture. And that is due to how the woman sees the motivation behind it. A rapist is deliberately torturing her for his own selfishness. 

When a man talks about rape, he wants to know the physical, the hows and whats, but mostly ignores the emotional, but that is because of his misunderstandings.

To a woman, the results of rape are feeling of worthlessness and something is wrong with her, what is also shame.

Most good men do not understand this because they are unaware of the connections that occur in humans from our sexual places. A selfish and pathologically weak man has forcibly and against her will assaulted the woman emotionally on a deep primal level, and has used and abandoned her body. A woman will not easily describe this connection to anyone, because she doesn't want the good man she loves to think she "enjoyed it" or something along those lines (no need to say that she did not, that is insulting, but the fear is there). Because of this a woman will feel responsible. 

The point is, there is a negative emotional connection that is, her rapist dominated her, and on a primal level a woman SHOULD be attracted to being dominated by a good man (in romantic terms a good man would ravish a woman, as many woman rightly fantasize about), but the rapist was a weak man and that is he is essentially a bully, which is a weak person masquarading as a strong person.

And the good man in her life that loves her, and knows she was raped, is afraid to connect with her fully sexually because the good man is afraid that dominating his woman will make him like the rapist.

All good men reading this, understand that is the furthest from the truth and you are denying your woman and yourself the gift of the greatest healing there is!!!

When you give the invitation to the woman you love to share with you her true and many times hidden emotions and fears about herself, how she views herself, and most importantly how she THINKS you view her, you will understand this.

She will think you view her as damaged because you don't treat her like a woman!!!

So that is, the point of all this, is for the good man to embrace her fully sexually, and aggressively, and dominating her in all areas of the relationship, giving her the security and love and worthiness of being your woman. You are not the bully masquarading and she will not see you that way, but the TRUE good man that she has been waiting for!

I wish you well.


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## Ismile (Oct 22, 2009)

I have no words of advice for the child abuse or rape aspect of your post, but maybe I do for the questions regarding her bisexual feelings. I am a bisexual woman married to a man. I have never experienced physical abuse in any of my relationships, I have just simply always felt attraction for both sexes. 
From childhood, through my twenties, I have always felt desires towards women and men. This is not something that simply goes away when you get married. Whether or not she realized these feelings before your marriage should be irrelevant. She cannot obliterate her attraction towards women but she can harness that attraction and gear it towards her marriage. Think of it in a straight sense. I am sure you notice "sexy" women you pass throughout the day and you may be attracted to them. That is human nature. We all deal with that part of being human. For her, she is attracted to both women and men. Not ALL women (just like you are not attracted to all women) but some. Hopefully this does not affect her feelings towards you and your marriage. 
When she becomes comfortable with that piece of her you may both be able to use that to your advantage. If a threesome is "too far" *which may bring too much into your marriage* try watching porn with multiple women. That way, it is still about the two of you which is the most important part.

Best to you!


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## kindness (Dec 7, 2009)

Hi there 

I'm sure you must be feeling so confused!

I am bisexual, but married and monogamous to my husband. Your wife can be bi, that's ok, but she still has taken a vow and should only sleep with you...unless you two rewrite the contract!

As for the abuser thing, that shouldn't have a darn thing to do with sexual orientation. That is a different issue all together, yikes!

Good luck to you, keep talking with her.

K


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## Raemay38 (Dec 12, 2009)

First off one has to be with a women to be bisexual and have current relationships to actaully be considered bisexual. Bi-curiousity is normal in most people. Heck most men dream of two women in bed with them why not ask her to find a women to have a threesome sometime and that way your part of it so yoru cheating together. 
If she has bene with a women or not ask her either way. Sometimes wives hide things I know I did and I finally confessed to my husband I was bi-curious meaning I look at other women and have desires I just dont go there. I have had one women since I was married and it was awesome but I prefer men any day over a women and dont care to make it a habbit. 
If you dont allow her to explore maybe once then she will do it behind your back most likely like I did myself. 
Either you offer a threesome or she will find a lady to have a affair with the choice is yours.


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## kindness (Dec 7, 2009)

Hey Raemay, your first statement is totally wrong. One does not need to be in a relationship with a woman to love/desire women. Not true. I have had relationships with both, and monogamy is the key.

Just because I'm married now to a man does NOT mean that I suddenly stop being attracted to women.

It doesn't just go away...:rofl:


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