# Question



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

What can a husband do to make his wife feel desirable? Especially when she has low self-esteem.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Depends on what the low self-esteem is caused by, if anything specific? If it's weight gain, for example, my recs would likely be different than if it were due to not feeling good enough in other ways.


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

Tell her she is beautiful, that she looks good, he likes her hair, he loves her, show affection, take her on a date and hold her hand and hug her, lots of things!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Be relentlessly positive and affirming.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Thound said:


> What can a husband do to make his wife feel desirable? Especially when she has low self-esteem.


Depends on what is generating the low self-esteem. I would think it would be your W view of her body. 

My W has a low esteem on her looks. I tell her she is beautiful(cause she is), hold hands and physically touch her in public(not graphically unless I can cop a feel). When we are getting freaky in the bedroom I tell her how freaking hot her body is. I comment on her outfits. She received flowers from me randomly. I will "feel her up" while cooking etc. Yes, she likes that. 

What gets me though is she will sometimes say. "You are supposed to say I'm pretty because your my husband." I can't stand that. It is like my comments are meaningless. If it came from someone else it would have some weight. Sheesh...I say these things because I mean it and it's the truth. Some times you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. 

Anyway, we have been married 23 years. It appears to be working. :grin2:


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

What gets me though is she will sometimes say. "You are supposed to say I'm pretty because your my husband." I can't stand that. It is like my comments are meaningless. If it came from someone else it would have some weight. Sheesh...I say these things because I mean it and it's the truth. Some times you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. 

QFT.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

She has always had low self esteem. A lot of it is body issues. She didn't like the way she looked when she weighed 90pounds she didn't like the way she looked when she weighed 150 pounds. I have always thought she says absolutely gorgeous. I think a lot of it comes from her mother. She was very rigid, strict, and very opionated. Don't get me wrong she did have a lot of good qualities too.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Thound said:


> What gets me though is she will sometimes say. "You are supposed to say I'm pretty because your my husband." I can't stand that. It is like my comments are meaningless. If it came from someone else it would have some weight. Sheesh...I say these things because I mean it and it's the truth. Some times you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
> 
> QFT.


Thound,

I'd get her into therapy for her esteem issues. Aside from you chasing her around the house with a "woody", if she is telling you that none of that matters because you're her husband she is vulnerable to hearing it from another man.

You're the one's opinion that should count. Writing off what you say as not counting is not good. I would not let this go and not address it with a professional if it bothers you enough to post here.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Sadly my wife doesn't really like to be touched since perimenopause/menopause.


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

Thound said:


> What gets me though is she will sometimes say. "You are supposed to say I'm pretty because your my husband." I can't stand that. It is like my comments are meaningless. If it came from someone else it would have some weight. Sheesh...I say these things because I mean it and it's the truth. Some times you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
> 
> 
> 
> QFT.




Then say..."even if I wasn't your husband I would think you are beautiful". 


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Thound said:


> She has always had low self esteem. A lot of it is body issues. She didn't like the way she looked when she weighed 90pounds she didn't like the way she looked when she weighed 150 pounds. I have always thought she says absolutely gorgeous. I think a lot of it comes from her mother. She was very rigid, strict, and very opionated. Don't get me wrong she did have a lot of good qualities too.


She was raised by a critical mother. That can be damaging to girls, as you're seeing. How does this come out in your wife's daily life and/or the marriage? That will help me give you ideas.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Thound said:


> Sadly my wife doesn't really like to be touched since perimenopause/menopause.


Bio-identical hormones. I'd schedule an appointment for her with a ND and go with her. They make such a difference to women. I plan to get on them myself within the next decade.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Jessica38 said:


> Bio-identical hormones. I'd schedule an appointment for her with a ND and go with her. They make such a difference to women. I plan to get on them myself within the next decade.


She will have to come to that conclusion on her own. I don't want to push her to something that has the slightest risk of cancer


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Thound said:


> She will have to come to that conclusion on her own. I don't want to push her to something that has the slightest risk of cancer


Don't push her, but get a consult. Bio-identical is VERY different than traditional HRT, which is what is known to cause increased cancer risk. I'm suggesting showing an interest in helping her with what she is going through by seeking more info and getting the pros/cons. 

But it sounds like her self-esteem issues started in childhood. What specific challenges is this causing, if you want to share? I can try to give ideas.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Thound said:


> What can a husband do to make his wife feel desirable? Especially when she has low self-esteem.


For me, don't SAY anything. DO it. Telling me I'm beautiful or sexy sounds like a stock statement. Show me you mean it by grabbing me and bending me over and pulling my panties off.

Might not be a good idea though if your wife doesn't like to be touched 

Do you know her love language?

Also, many women have spent their entire lives expecting to become dowdy fat and ugly when they hit menopause, and so it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I like to celebrate menopause, myself. Have you and she ever talked about your expectations wrt menopause?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> For me, don't SAY anything. DO it. Telling me I'm beautiful or sexy sounds like a stock statement. Show me you mean it by grabbing me and bending me over and pulling my panties off.
> 
> Might not be a good idea though if your wife doesn't like to be touched
> 
> ...


I like the way you think. We married young her 18 me 20. We are Christians and I always treated her like a lady. Maybe she has wanted me to bend her over the bed and not be gentlemanly about it. Maybe even pull her hair. I don't know. She can't talk about naughty things like that.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

@Thound, I agree that knowing someone's love language is very helpful in making them feel desirable and desired. Is it weird that when my husband says that I am one of the clearest thinking people he knows, this turns me on? That said, I think compliments and little gestures go a long way with any woman. But they do need to be tailored for their target.

It's the difference between getting them a generic bouquet from the nearest shop vs the small handful of flowers you stole from someone's verge while out running, or the amazing-smelling lilies that you had to go to 3 different florists to get because they just came into season. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the best gestures and compliments are either completely spontaneous (and therefore just a little bit clumsy/silly) or a bit over the top and requiring some thought. (NB - if you had to go to great lengths, then this should either be self-evident or only "carelessly" revealed by a child or close friend ... no actual boasting about the effort involved allowed.:wink2. Those are the ones that stick in your memory long after the fact, and each time you remember them, they do their job all over again. 

Sitting here thinking ... the best "you're desirable" compliment from my husband was a little note tucked into my laptop before a really important meeting. "Knock them dead and don't flutter those gorgeous eyelashes at them - no man can think straight when you do that." FYI - I did knock them dead. And whispered into my ear while out to dinner. "Please could you try and look a little less orgasmic while eating your dessert (creme brulee) - you're distracting those men over there."

Maybe what I'm saying is that you should flirt with her. Yes ... that pretty much always makes me feel desirable. Oh ... and Hope1964 ... what she said!


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

I feel desirable when my husband takes notice of the small things - new earrings, hair has grown a little, the colour of my lipstick. He also makes me feel desirable when he goes out of his way to spend time with me (i.e comes home for lunch unexpectedly, surprises me with a day off for just us). And of course when he touches me in a non sexual way (brushes the hair behind me ears, strokes my face, the small of my back, pats my bottom playfully). 

It really does convince me that I am desirable. Being invisible is the worst.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

peacem said:


> I feel desirable when my husband takes notice of the small things - new earrings, hair has grown a little, the colour of my lipstick. He also makes me feel desirable when he goes out of his way to spend time with me (i.e comes home for lunch unexpectedly, surprises me with a day off for just us). And of course when he touches me in a non sexual way (brushes the hair behind me ears, strokes my face, the small of my back, pats my bottom playfully).
> 
> It really does convince me that I am desirable. Being invisible is the worst.[/QUOTE
> 
> The little things.. they do add up.. they speak to our hearts.. when done in the right spirit.. we FEEL THIS. Beautiful post, some great examples there.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

jld said:


> Be relentlessly positive and affirming.


To the point where she stops believing you 😑


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