# After the Holidays



## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

Quick overview of my situation. Married 20 years, 2 daughters ages 11 & 14. Wife had an EA(and probably PA with lots of suggestions but no smoking gun) 2 years ago. False R due to me being a nice guy for quite a while. Made it all my fault, yada yada. Since July of this year I have pushed to try to rebuild the marriage. Dragged W to MC, etc. 6 weeks ago I called the OM's W(finally) and filled her in. What came out of making this call was finding out W had still been in contact(limited according to her, 3 emails this year) with OM. This gave me what I needed to know, it was ongoing because there was probably more to the story(there almost always was). Anyway, couple of very emotional discussions the last week or so makes me truly realize it is not going to be able to be saved so I am going to divorce. My wife is just unwilling to try pro-active steps to rebuild. I realize I am fighting a losing battle.

I have done lots of research on self-divorce as well as seen an attorney. I can either pick up the phone and call the attorney and he can file or my wife has seemed to be ready to do self-divorce with me. During out last talk I told the W with the holidays coming up I'm fine with making it through the holidays before proceeding.

My question is am I using the holidays as a crutch to put it off? I feel resolved in this is something I need to do for my own well being. I know this marriage is no longer good for me. I will never have trust again, etc. I want my daughters to enjoy the holidays before dropping the hammer but knowing this is such a huge decision I have wrestled with I have to wonder if I am using this as a delay tactic. Thoughts are welcome.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Well, how at peace are you both about this?

I think it is only a good, fair excuse if you expect that the divorce process will make the holidays especially unpleasant for all of you. If you expect that it will get nasty or that feelings will be hurt and you won't be able to get along as a result, then putting it off might be a good idea for your daughter's sake, but of course you'll still have that mess to look forward to throughout. If you are both at peace with the decision and expect that there won't be any fighting or other anger coming about as a result of the process, then I don't really see the point in waiting.

I hope that makes sense.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I told my wife at the beginning of December a few years ago that I wanted out of the marriage. I was going to wait till after the holidays to tell her, but I couldn't hold it in. We quickly decided to hold off on telling the kids or anyone else about it till after the holidays (my kids are about the same age as yours). I think it was the right decision to hold off on telling the kids. No sense wrecking their holiday season. As far as your wife goes... Do what's right for you. If you think it will relieve your stress to get that out and in the open, do it. You don't owe it to her to make sure she has a good Christmas. But then focus on making things as best you can for the kids. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I've decided to wait until after the holidays too. Give my kids one last "family" Christmas, even if it is all a sham.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

My W's parents wanted to speak to us last night. So we went over there and talked to them.

Her mom and I being the dominant personalities quickly got quite lively. Her mother said our daughters deserve to know something. I told her to mind her own business. She said she was uncomfortable around me and I said that was her problem, not mine.

I'm not sure what the purpose of the talk was. They wanted some clarity I think on how to act with the holidays coming up. I told them I told my parents that as of right now we are married so act like it. Simple as that. Why is that hard?

I have to be honest here. I get it, ok. It's her parents, they want to protect her. That being said her mother always says she doesn't like to stick her nose in our business yet last night she had it pretty far up my a** while my W watched. 

Sorry, just a vent.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, the Christmas we split up, I "called in sick" the day we were supposed to go to her family. Yes, that was the cowardly way out. But getting along with her parents wasn't exactly high on my priority list at the time. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I don't see why you can't file for divorce NOW, and tell your kids after the holidays. They don't have to know instantly. 

Unless your wife or MIL has such a big mouth they can't keep it shut for 6 weeks in order to give your daughters a last holiday as a family?


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I've decided to go ahead and file and not wait until after the holidays after all. This is just not working on any level.


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