# Is it really Over?



## Jump123 (Oct 6, 2016)

Here it goes, i left my wife 4 months ago because i thought she was the cause of my stress and unhappiness. I though she was attacking me. For three months she asked to reconcile,(June - August) on September 1st i said ok. What is weird is she then became cold and distant. Contacting me less and less, but this is what she wanted just one day prior. She said i needed to get help, see a doctor and a therapist. I went to the doctor and all was good. I went to a therapist all of september and will continue to go. I just dont understand how reconciling is what she wanted and then 12 hours later when i say okay she runs. Last night October 5th she said she wanted to go to the therapist with me. I thought this was a good sign as it seem like finally progress was going to happen because the entire month of september she did nothing. She went out everynight with her friends until 2am. I asked her about it and she said she was having fun, not ready to reconcile, that it was a nice distraction. Then last night at the therapist when he asked her if there was a chance of reconciliation she said she does not know. She told me earlier in the month that she hoped we could reconcile but it would take time and i needed to get help first. She said she still loves me. We have been together 10 years and separated for 4 months. After the therapist she said she does not know if she can ever trust me again and does not want to be married if there is no trust, that she does not know if she wants to reconcile. This is confusing because earlier in the month she said she hopes it works out. How in one month do you decide to throw away 10 years, she also said she started to get use to the idea of being single, alone, and a single mom. HOW? how is one month do you go from contacting me all the time calling and texting saying you dont want to divorce to in one month completely changing. Im so confused, do i keep fighting, do i give up? is there hope? She says she is confused and scared and guarded. She says the past month was a little overwhelming and off putting because apparently my mom and sisters had been contacting her a lot and of course i was too. I was appologizing, begging, trying everything to save my marriage and she says its just been too much pressure and off putting. What do i do, please help me save my marriage? Is there hope? Can we rebuild trust. Can we rebuild it if she does nothing to try? How can she walk away from ten years after only 3 months of separation in which she wanted to end the separation the whole time. HOw can see tell me and the therpist she does not know if she wants to reconcile? How do you not know? How much time do i wait until i give up hope. our anniverssary is a month away, and the holdiays around the corner, how is this so easy for her now, when that last 3 months were so hard for her, she texted me a million times a day, called constantly, told me she loved me all the time, hell even came over to have sex multiple times. And now just in one month while i was doing what she asked in getting help she now does not know? Any advice would be amazing.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

The #1 rule is never beg. It makes you look weak. Your whole post sounds like you're a beta male, doormat, weak, etc. 

Sounds like it's over to me. I bet she has a guy on the side and it's getting serious now. That's how it goes down 90% of the time.

Stay in therapy and work on yourself. You'll find someone even better when the time is right.


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## Jump123 (Oct 6, 2016)

Thanks for the post, ive been looking for any and all honesty. Your right this past month has been really hard because this is what she wanted just in august. She wanted to work it out. Then when i said okay she basically ran. Its been so hard that i know i have begged, appologized and pleaded. Which is the wrong thing to do. But i also know 100% there is not another guy, we have a daughter and she lives with her parents and we do stay in contact all the time. There is no other guy. I just dont understand the one day saying i hope it works and the next saying she does not know.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

She begged you to reconcile and then creates distance? Partying until 2 am? 

Never believe what people say. Believe what they do. Are her actions those of someone wishing to reconcile? Base your decisions on her actions.

Can you elaborate on the behaviors that led you to be unhappy with her?

Did you identify other causes of your stress and unhappiness?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Exactly. You don't party until 2am and not attract the attention of another guy. You wanted her gone, so she wanted validation from someone else that she was attractive and wanted. I don't blame her. Can you access her cell phone bill? You'll be able to see who she's texting/calling.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

I can only judge from what you tell me. You left your wife 4 months ago, throwing away 10 years of marriage. You basically told her you can do better than her. Then your wife begged you to reconcile for 3 months.

I think she got tired of begging. Now she resents you for throwing away 10 years of marriage. I think she realize that she can do better than you.


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## Jump123 (Oct 6, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> She begged you to reconcile and then creates distance? Partying until 2 am?
> 
> Never believe what people say. Believe what they do. Are her actions those of someone wicking to reconcile? Base your decisions on her actions.
> 
> ...


Yes, i had a lot of stress with work, and then at home it seemed that she critized everything i did. In complete honesty i did not know how to deal with the stress and anexity. I would bottle it up and then explode. It caused me to be unhappy and to think she was the cause. When i was younger my dad emotionally and physically abused me. When i was younger all i knew to do was to shut down and run away to get away and heal. Now i did the same thing to her. I shut down and left instead of getting help. Now that i am seeing a therapist we are dealing with that and how to deal with stress. She says that she is going out all the time because its a nice distraction and she wants to have fun right now, she is not ready to reconcile until she feels i have changed and got help. She thinks i have cycles of happiness and depression but its just the bottling up the stress and not dealing with it which is why she thinks there are cycles. Now she has come over the last 2 thursdays to spend the night since its my night with our duaghter so that is a good sign. But then she looks me in the eye and will say she does not know if it will work or can trust me again and it seems like it so easy for her. But again she begged and pleaded and contacted me all the time all the way until the end of august. Then when i said okay how can she in one month say she is now okay with being alone and a single mom.


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## Jump123 (Oct 6, 2016)

KillerClown said:


> I can only judge from what you tell me. You left your wife 4 months ago, throwing away 10 years of marriage. You basically told her you can do better than her. Then your wife begged you to reconcile for 3 months.
> 
> I think she got tired of begging. Now she resents you for throwing away 10 years of marriage. I think she realize that she can do better than you.


This could very well be true, but she told me she is guarded and scared of getting hurt. its so confusing when she will tell me one day she loves me, she did last night and then say she hopes it works. But then does not act like it or turns the next day and says i dont know if it will. Look i know i messed up and should not have left. But do you guys really believe you cant rebuild trust, that there cant be forgiveness? Should i just give up? Move on? Let her go?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Don't accept her sitting on the fence. Her reasons for fence sitting may be valid, but that does not mean you have to subject yourself to the repercussions.

Have a simple conversation, in a cool, firm tone. The gist of the conversation should be something like:

"I love you, and want to reconcile. However, I can't reconcile with someone who won't commit. If you can't decide, I will be left with no choice but to decide for us, and move on."

Set a deadline. Make it short term...say 30 days. At the end of that time, you MUST be prepared to move on if she won't commit.

Love yourself enough to not allow her to treat you poorly, even if you have guilt over you yourself treating her poorly. I believe she is capitalizing on this, and you are allowing it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Oh, and read No More Mister Nice Guy...stat.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Jump123 said:


> This could very well be true, but she told me she is guarded and scared of getting hurt. its so confusing when she will tell me one day she loves me, she did last night and then say she hopes it works. But then does not act like it or turns the next day and says i dont know if it will. Look i know i messed up and should not have left. But do you guys really believe you cant rebuild trust, that there cant be forgiveness? Should i just give up? Move on? Let her go?


It's not confusing. You were married for 10 years and you are the father of her child. I'm sure she still loves you. It doesn't mean you're worth taking back. You MAYBE able to rebuild trust and she MAY forgive you. But not the way you are now. You still have one foot out the door ready to jump ship. I don't blame her for not trusting you.

Incidentally, you've only mentioned your daughter in passing. Any thoughts on what you put her through?


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## Jump123 (Oct 6, 2016)

KillerClown said:


> It's not confusing. You were married for 10 years and you are the father of her child. I'm sure she still loves you. It doesn't mean you're worth taking back. You MAYBE able to rebuild trust and she MAY forgive you. But not the way you are now. You still have one foot out the door ready to jump ship. I don't blame her for not trusting you.
> 
> Incidentally, you've only mentioned your daughter in passing. Any thoughts on what you put her through?


MY daughter has taken it hard, very hard and that kills me to no end. I dont still have one foot out the door though. I am so committed and want to be the husband i should have always been. There is no ready to jump ship at all.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Jump123 said:


> MY daughter has taken it hard, very hard and that kills me to no end. I dont still have one foot out the door though. I am so committed and want to be the husband i should have always been. There is no ready to jump ship at all.


This will actually work against you. 

If your wife knows she can continue her current behavior while you will sit back and do nothing, why would she cease?

Love yourself enough to not tolerate the intolerable.


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## Jump123 (Oct 6, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> This will actually work against you.
> 
> If your wife knows she can continue her current behavior while you will sit back and do nothing, why would she cease?
> 
> Love yourself enough to not tolerate the intolerable.


But im not doing nothing, i went to the doctor and have been seeing a therapist.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Jump123 said:


> But im not doing nothing, i went to the doctor and have been seeing a therapist.


That is absolutely crucial, and i applaud you for it.

That said, what will you do in three months of nothing has changed? Six? Twelve (ouch)?

If my wife were to consistently behave in a manner I found detrimental to the marriage, I would first own my part of the problem, which the quoted post above indicates. I would then tell her that continuing with such behavior would be her demonstrating that she does not value me as a husband, and continuing with such behavior would lead me to withdraw, distance myself, and eventually move on. 

Clean up your side of the street, while clearly communicating through words and actions what you will not tolerate.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Jump123 said:


> MY daughter has taken it hard, very hard and that kills me to no end. I dont still have one foot out the door though. I am so committed and want to be the husband i should have always been. There is no ready to jump ship at all.


Should i just give up? Move on? Let her go?

A committed man would never say this.

Your wife sent you to a therapist to help YOU. Not to help your marriage. You have yet to make amends for the pain and suffering you caused your wife and your daughter. "Sorry" isn't good enough. And even after you make amends, you have yet to demonstrate that you are worth taking back. Worth risking the pain and suffering you may still cause your wife and especially your daughter. Stop asking, "Is it really over?" Stop blaming your wife for wanting to move on without you.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I think it would be helpful to understand the events that led up to you leaving. Does she not trust you because you left or is there another reason? 

She got used to the new life without you; that's why she's now not sure about reconciling.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

The other posters made some great analysis. Let me be more action-oriented with my response.



Jump123 said:


> Here it goes, i left my wife 4 months ago because i thought she was the cause of my stress and unhappiness.


The basis of all of my personal and professional principles is that our actions and feelings are directly a result of ourselves. This means that we have 100% responsibility for what we do, what we think and feel.

Imagine you have a palette of colors, a canvas and a specific paint brush. It seems you have a lot of purple and blue, and very little of the other colors. When you look into the world, a lot of what you perceive (via your 5 senses) gets translated into your palette of colors. As you have a majority of purple/blue, much of it is taken in and painted in a sad manner.



> I though she was attacking me. For three months she asked to reconcile,(June - August) on September 1st i said ok. What is weird is she then became cold and distant. Contacting me less and less, but this is what she wanted just one day prior. She said i needed to get help, see a doctor and a therapist. I went to the doctor and all was good. I went to a therapist all of september and will continue to go. I just dont understand how reconciling is what she wanted and then 12 hours later when i say okay she runs.


Open-ended questions are the mind's way of creating misery out of nothing. Most likely, you do know the answer. Even if you don't, you have some solid answers that you could use to fill-in that blank. Perhaps, there might be multiple answers.

Either way, you need to answer this question. At minimum: "I don't know? It could be X, Y, or Z."

The point of this is to get your mind to stop ruminating. You need an answer to quiet the mind with, and our goal is to be *objective*.



> Last night October 5th she said she wanted to go to the therapist with me. I thought this was a good sign as it seem like finally progress was going to happen because the entire month of september she did nothing. She went out everynight with her friends until 2am. I asked her about it and she said she was having fun, not ready to reconcile, that it was a nice distraction. Then last night at the therapist when he asked her if there was a chance of reconciliation she said she does not know. She told me earlier in the month that she hoped we could reconcile but it would take time and i needed to get help first. She said she still loves me. We have been together 10 years and separated for 4 months. After the therapist she said she does not know if she can ever trust me again and does not want to be married if there is no trust, that she does not know if she wants to reconcile. This is confusing because earlier in the month she said she hopes it works out.


She isn't contradicting herself. Saying that she would like to reconcile does not mean what you want it to mean. She has valid reservations and you don't see justification for them, it seems. The result of this is added pressure on her, which makes it not fun for her.



> How in one month do you decide to throw away 10 years, she also said she started to get use to the idea of being single, alone, and a single mom. HOW? how is one month do you go from contacting me all the time calling and texting saying you dont want to divorce to in one month completely changing. Im so confused, do i keep fighting, do i give up? is there hope?


Again - open-ended questions. They do nothing for you. The advice I Have is the same. See that advice and act on it.



> She says she is confused and scared and guarded. She says the past month was a little overwhelming and off putting because apparently my mom and sisters had been contacting her a lot and of course i was too.


She gave you quality insight into her mind. From there, you need to create an *objective *action plan.



> I was appologizing, begging, trying everything to save my marriage and she says its just been too much pressure and off putting.


.........Doesn't work. Never advised.

Again, she gives you quality insight. 



> What do i do, please help me save my marriage? Is there hope? Can we rebuild trust. Can we rebuild it if she does nothing to try? How can she walk away from ten years after only 3 months of separation in which she wanted to end the separation the whole time. HOw can see tell me and the therpist she does not know if she wants to reconcile? How do you not know? How much time do i wait until i give up hope.


The same advice applies.



> our anniverssary is a month away, and the holdiays around the corner, how is this so easy for her now, when that last 3 months were so hard for her, she texted me a million times a day, called constantly, told me she loved me all the time, hell even came over to have sex multiple times. And now just in one month while i was doing what she asked in getting help she now does not know? Any advice would be amazing.


You didn't do what she asked.

An anniversary and holidays being around the corner have nothing to do with reconciliation.

No one here has any answers for you. Individuals can give you advice and shock you into reality, but we cannot put a sentence after your question marks.

Good Luck.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Jump123 said:


> Here it goes, i left my wife 4 months ago because i thought she was the cause of my stress and unhappiness. I though she was attacking me.


What did she say or do to make you think it was attacking? 



> For three months she asked to reconcile,(June - August) on September 1st i said ok. What is weird is she then became cold and distant. Contacting me less and less, but this is what she wanted just one day prior. She said i needed to get help, see a doctor and a therapist. I went to the doctor and all was good. I went to a therapist all of september and will continue to go. I just dont understand how reconciling is what she wanted and then 12 hours later when i say okay she runs. Last night October 5th she said she wanted to go to the therapist with me. I thought this was a good sign as it seem like finally progress was going to happen because the entire month of september she did nothing.





> She went out everynight with her friends until 2am. I asked her about it and she said she was having fun, not ready to reconcile, that it was a nice distraction. Then last night at the therapist when he asked her if there was a chance of reconciliation she said she does not know.


She needed a distraction from the heartache. 



> She told me earlier in the month that she hoped we could reconcile but it would take time and i needed to get help first. She said she still loves me. We have been together 10 years and separated for 4 months. After the therapist she said she does not know if she can ever trust me again and does not want to be married if there is no trust, that she does not know if she wants to reconcile. This is confusing because earlier in the month she said she hopes it works out.


She's likely afraid that you'll dump her again. 



> How in one month do you decide to throw away 10 years, she also said she started to get use to the idea of being single, alone, and a single mom.


You make it sound like she doesn't care, after perhaps crying a lot, she picked herself up & became at peace with the reality that you might not want her. She asked you for 3 months. 



> HOW? how is one month do you go from contacting me all the time calling and texting saying you dont want to divorce to in one month completely changing. Im so confused, do i keep fighting, do i give up? is there hope?


She was fighting for you for 3 months, what did you say during this time to her? 



> She says she is confused and scared and guarded. She says the past month was a little overwhelming and off putting because apparently my mom and sisters had been contacting her a lot and of course i was too.


Of course, she is confused, scared & guarded. You pulled the rug out from under her, how does she know that you will not do again? 



> I was appologizing, begging, trying everything to save my marriage and she says its just been too much pressure and off putting.


When in the last month? What about the months the other 3 months when she wanted reconciliation, how did you behave? Were you cold, distant & undecided? 



> What do i do, please help me save my marriage? Is there hope? Can we rebuild trust. Can we rebuild it if she does nothing to try? How can she walk away from ten years after only 3 months of separation in which she wanted to end the separation the whole time. HOw can see tell me and the therpist she does not know if she wants to reconcile? How do you not know? How much time do i wait until i give up hope. our anniverssary is a month away, and the holdiays around the corner


Couples therapy, work on communication, why you wanted to separate in the first place. The reason, you believe she was attacking you, talk about this with her & the therapist. 



> how is this so easy for her now, when that last 3 months were so hard for her, she texted me a million times a day, called constantly, told me she loved me all the time, hell even came over to have sex multiple times. And now just in one month while i was doing what she asked in getting help she now does not know? Any advice would be amazing.


You lack empathy a bit, I doubt it was an easy choice for her within the last month. Your wife was heartbroken for 3 months, tried to reconcile with you, but I'm sure you were undecided about the marriage during that time, so perhaps she has gotten used to & prepared herself incase you don't cause her hurt again. 



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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> What did she say or do to make you think it was attacking?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I would agree with this if her actions indicated that she actually wanted to reconcile.

Her actions speak to either escapism, resentment, or wayward behavior. Given their history, I can understand it...to a degree.

It doesn't mean he has to tolerate it. I know I wouldn't, no matter the history.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> I would agree with this if her actions indicated that she actually wanted to reconcile.
> 
> Her actions speak to either escapism, resentment, or wayward behavior. Given their history, I can understand it...to a degree.
> 
> It doesn't mean he has to tolerate it. I know I wouldn't, no matter the history.


I believe that she may have wanted to reconcile, but perhaps something changed after the partying until 2am? 

In my opinion, it's a bad idea to go out to a nightclub during a separation, getting drunk & being vulnerable around single guys, there might well be a guy on the back burner. Could explain the change in behaviour? 

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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She drove you out the door that you opened first. 

Okay, now what?

She does not want or like the [last version] "old" you. The "You" that acts sad and mopey, is unpleasant to be around. Was the original "You" any different? Did she love you when you were first married.

I suspect the answer is Yes! That is the man she will reconcile with.

Can you return to that man....become that man? You must do so...and quick. You may have lost her already. Sorry, you waited too long. Deal with that.

You have to win her back. It may not be possible.

She is stringing you along [now] for financial reasons, for insurance reasons, for convenience, to please family and relatives. It is now a show on her part.

She is enjoying her new freedom. I do not blame her, but that is not what you want to hear. You want to win her back.

Answer? Be the man you were, plus the man I tell you to be.

Be happy, everytime she talks to you or sees you. Be buoyant, smile so much that your cheeks hurt. Never show any negative actions, no matter how much it itches to come out.

You must let her think that you can live just fine without her.

Get your groove back. Dress very nice, buy new clothes, go overboard on grooming, nice haircut, nails done, pluck unsightly hairs, nice cologne ......look spiffy.

DO NOT ever mention R to her again. Never. 

Start working out, going out by yourself. If you go to any counseling do so in secret. Be mysterious, don't answer her texts for hours...maybe the next day.

She may come back....but I guarantee it will be after she gets all the partying out of her system. 

This is going to be a long process. Get ready, get set....go man go.

Be happy, mysterious.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

KillerClown said:


> I can only judge from what you tell me. You left your wife 4 months ago, throwing away 10 years of marriage. You basically told her you can do better than her. Then your wife begged you to reconcile for 3 months.
> 
> I think she got tired of begging. Now she resents you for throwing away 10 years of marriage. I think she realize that she can do better than you.


I agree with this, you take someone for granted, be careful of the consequences, they can come back to bite you hard. When a woman says she is done, she is usually done. You played the wrong hand, now this is what you have.


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## delta88 (Mar 9, 2015)

aine said:


> I agree with this, you take someone for granted, be careful of the consequences, they can come back to bite you hard. When a woman says she is done, she is usually done. You played the wrong hand, now this is what you have.


This behaviour can be a serious advantage, especially if the relationship is toxic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She likely found another man, one that wants to be with her. At the very least, she's had her eyes opened to an alternative to the non-relationship with you. 

I'm glad you're working on yourself through therapy. Keep that going, for your benefit. 

She probably wanted to reconcile at first, but it was taking too long. She started to believe your actions,and wanted to reconcile less. 

You can't negotiate with a confused woman, partying until 2am. Best to let her go completely.

It's unclear to me why you really left her in the first place. Something about her making you upset. Can you elaborate?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

aine said:


> I agree with this, you take someone for granted, be careful of the consequences, they can come back to bite you hard. When a woman says she is done, she is usually done. You played the wrong hand, now this is what you have.


Close, but a toddler off the mark. 

He has been stressed for quit a while. He is not a good shock-absorber. 

He is a hard-tail Hardly Fergesson. The shocks that life delivers went straight up his spine. They were amplified when he came home to his dealership. 

There are massive chuckholes in his marriage. 

She never [it seems] patched the road. She is not here to defend herself. But I see him..... the bent front forks tell me that he is an emotional cripple.

He felt the need to flee the verbal "You Stink Bombs" that his Missus hurled at him.

This I know, he is fragile, she is hard crusted, not very helpful. He crumbled and dizzily went out the door, calling out for help, calling out for relief. She is his wife. She needed to prop him up, not let him wallow in his anxiety ridden problems. She obviously does not have the tools, the insight or the decency to flesh out the spirit in this ghost of this man. She gives the appearance of decency, but not the hard mechanics or the spirit............ of that.

Nothing new here.......few can do this. Life would be so much fun if there were no people to squash your little ball of happiness.

Just saying.


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## Jump123 (Oct 6, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> She drove you out the door that you opened first.
> 
> Okay, now what?
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply, i know i am getting a lot of feedback, a couple of things i do know is there is no other guy. I also know that we have been together 10 years. I did not cheat on this woman. I was unable to handle the stress of work, money, and home life all rolled up into one. I bottled it up and then unfairly took it out on her. She was my wife, my rock and i went to her for everything. This time it got to be so much bottled up i thought i had to leave to be happy. Yes it crushed her and i have to live for the rest of my life knowing the person i care most about i did that too. I know what i did, i know running away was the worst decision. I also know on september second she wanted to reconcile and would text me constantly that she loved me. On september third i said i was sorry and wanted to work it out too. THis is why im so confused. Friends, family, and even my wife have just said she is scared, guarded, worried, hurt. And will not give in to me right away, not jump right back in for fear of being hurt again. She has said this is something that will take a really long time. She does not know if we can fix it because she does not know if she can trust me. I know i went down the wrong path being needy, clingy, and an ass this past month trying to get her to see how much i love her and how much she can believe me. I want to rebuild that trust but now i understand there is nothing i can do, no box i can check. I have to just keep going move forward and be myself. Hope in time she sees that and decides to give me a chance. Its confusing when one day she will tell me she loves me like 3 days ago and say she hopes it works out, then the next day say she does not know, and does not know how much time this will take. She said something interesting at the therapist on wednesday though where she wanted to see if i still felt the same way in a month, in two months, and in 3 months because she thinks i have 3 month cycles of being happy then sad. And this may be the case or it could just be me holding onto the stress and then it all comes out at once. I should not have been so annoying this past month and just focused on myself and working on myself. But i know that now and have backed off to give her time and space so im not so off putting, her words. Everyone has told me that now i have to wait, that she said this is a test, being jealous is part of the process too she said last week. then the other day she said she was just kidding, i think there was some truth to it though. I have listend to her. SHe wants space and time. All my friends and family said the going out all the time will get old but she cant miss me if i am contacting her constantly so to back off not contact her which is so hard to do. I hope it does give her time to think and miss me, i hope with our anniverssary in a month and the holidays around the corner she starts to warm up. And the biggest thing all of you have said and my friends is she does not want to be with someone sad and broken. Be the guy i was when we fell in love. Which is why i like your comment so much, be as happy as i can be around her. I love you advice if you have any more for me please reach out because this no contact thing is killing me, but i know i have to do it because i was way too much the entire month of september contacting her all the time saying i love you, i miss you, lets fix this, look how hard im working. Now im done with that, i will wait until she contacts me and i do believe that the partying will get old. She is not going to clubs, she plays kickball and met a girl that she gets along with really well and goes out with all the time and even brings her to our daughters soccer games and she is a very nice person. So i see why she is hanging out with her all the time because its a nice distraction from everything, and i feel like a huge jerk because through all of this the past month her work was falling apart and she lost her job at the end of september. And one friend put it that she knows she has me here and i want to come back, between her job and me the job is more pressing right now and she will focus on that before she focuses on us. That she has had a ton to deal with this past mont h and to just back off give it time and we will work it out.


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## Jump123 (Oct 6, 2016)

aine said:


> I agree with this, you take someone for granted, be careful of the consequences, they can come back to bite you hard. When a woman says she is done, she is usually done. You played the wrong hand, now this is what you have.


she has not said she is done, she said she is guarded and scared and confused. Wants to believe me but does not know if she can, wants to trust me but does not know if she can. That she is being honest when she says she just does not know about reconciliation because of the trust thing. Only time will tell she says and that recovering from something like this will take a long time and we cannot rush it. I know 100% i crushed her, but i did not cheat or leave for another girl, i left in anger and stressed thinking she was the problem. With her wanting to reconcile i thought she would be thrilled when i said okay, but she became guarded and distant, worried if i would leave again. I get this and totally would be the same way, i guess i was taken aback about how hard it would be and how much time it would take being that this was not due to another relationship or cheating.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you have access to her phone bill you need to see who she's calling.


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## Jump123 (Oct 6, 2016)

Chaparral said:


> If you have access to her phone bill you need to see who she's calling.



See this is the give and take with this being that online no one really knows us or her. But one thing i can tell you is there is not other guy. Like 1 billion percent no other guy. Im not worried about that.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

OP you are going to get an education what an OM is Real soon. No girl goes out and parties all hours of the night, you don't even know anything about her going out. You don't even know about the nights she didn't come home. OP not throwing this out there to hurt you but I want you to know that this is a strong possibility... so strong that you most people here will put money on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Jump123 said:


> But im not doing nothing, i went to the doctor and have been seeing a therapist.


Good.

Have they prescribed anti-anxiety medications? This is your biggest hurdle. You must become calm.

After you become calm and collected you are going to acting school. You are going to be a quick study......meaning you will learn your lines, pose your body and be that mysterious confident man that we talked about earlier. 

No one knows you are acting.......and *no one really cares.....except your [still] wife. She will care, initially*.

To keep her caring you must continue to play the role of a confident man...a man in control of his feelings.

Do these things:

Every word that comes out of your mouth must be measured...well thought out.

You will never whine or complain about anything, I mean ANYTHING.

Smile a lot...tell jokes.

Be friendly to all.

Ask others about their day, how they are, their kids. Make your conversation about other people, NOT YOU. *Avoid at all costs the "SAD YOU". He is gone.
*
The same with your wife. Deflect all questions about yourself. Calmly tell her that you are fine...."Thanks for asking".

Tell her JUST ONCE that you hope she is doing OK also.

Let her vent.....say VERY LITTLE. You cannot say the wrong thing if you are measuredly silent.

When things become awkward, when words do not flow comfortably, leave or get busy on some project.

*The goal is to make her comfortable around you. *Once you do that, maybe intimacy may return. That is a big maybe.

The point of acting is to condition your responses and reactions to others. You need to reprogram yourself.


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