# Hot wife and no sex



## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

Married 6 years. Two young kids. Both of us work. 

First couple of years of marriage I was emotionally neglectful. I just wasnt there for my wife and offered no emotional connection. I was stressed about marriage (i was 36 and had a great single life).

But I had a moment 1.5 years ago where I just fell into my married life and felt that connection I had never felt before. Initially my wife was thrilled but it wore off quick and turned to anger. She told me no more sex until further notice. I wanted to talk during this time about it but she said no discussion either. This was well over a year ago. 

I am at the point where I am sexually frustrated. We had sex once in 2008 on our anniversary in March. And it was quick and lousy. Since then nothing. 

She continues to live like their is nothing wrong. I give her back rubs all the time, I take great care of the kids (we dont use babysitters). I have been a model husband. But lately I have been growing apart from her. I still love her, think she is really hot but I pretty well have had enough. 

My issue is that I dont feel like I need to tell her I want sex. I have already made this clear before she told me no more discussions (too much pressure she said). I dont want her to "give in". That would suck. I want her to want me or I want to be free. But to break up a family.......

Am I being unreasonable considering I was at fault during the first part of marriage?


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

I should also add that I do not engage in porn or affairs. I am in very good shape and had a very sexually active and healthy sex life before I met my wife and during our dating time togeather. 

Right now I have been using the sexual retention method talked about by mark twain. 

Still I feel the need to have a healthy sex life. But I realize also it's not all I want. I have a beautiful family.


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## HisSummerRose (Dec 10, 2008)

Brad ... Is there any family close by ? If there is see if they can watch the kids for a weekend. Take your wife away for a weekend away ... get a fancy motel w/ a Jacuzzi & take along some sparking non - alcoholic sparking apple juice & some glasses & then place them right into the refrigerator in the room and then go out for dinner & come back & get the Jacuzzi going and then get the drinks out & pour some into the glasses and sit and enjoy the time together in the Jacuzzi & maybe something might happen next ...

It works for us ... we have been together 30 years and we get away 2 times a year in the spring & the fall and it is a wonderful feeling to get away and be with the one you love !!


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

Lady Karen said:


> Brad ... Is there any family close by ? If there is see if they can watch the kids for a weekend. Take your wife away for a weekend away ... get a fancy motel w/ a Jacuzzi & take along some sparking non - alcoholic sparking apple juice & some glasses & then place them right into the refrigerator in the room and then go out for dinner & come back & get the Jacuzzi going and then get the drinks out & pour some into the glasses and sit and enjoy the time together in the Jacuzzi & maybe something might happen next ...
> 
> It works for us ... we have been together 30 years and we get away 2 times a year in the spring & the fall and it is a wonderful feeling to get away and be with the one you love !!



We are too far removed from that kind of situation. It's not as easy as just going away. In fact our sex in March was on a getaway. But it was really awkward. We had a nap in the afternoon and she kept the patio door open so nothing could happen. We had sex that night but it was really not great.

I did talk to her a couple of months ago about going out on dates. She said it would be a good idea. We have been out twice since then but she always wants to rush back home worried about he kids.


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## themarriedguy (Nov 18, 2008)

I'm confused about the anger part? It seems to me that may be the root of the issues? Of course that's just going off the 1st post. I guess my question is why is she angry?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Brad-

We have talked about this long and hard. I did keep one thing to myself because I thought it would hurt too much, and believe me, it will really upset you, and also it might be rubbish, but if you want I will tell you. Either here or via PM.

EDIT:
Actually if I really speak my mind, it might appear to amount to a character assassination, which is certainly not my intention - you are one of my favourite people here.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Sex should not be a weapon. It should be a sharing of intimacy, love. 

Why is she angry? What happened 1.5 years ago? Everything is not "all right"! 

She obviously has an issue with something. 

Tell her if she won't provide it, you can get it elsewhere. That will shock her, maybe enough to open up a little.


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## Farfignewton (Aug 10, 2008)

I know how she feels Brad. Once you partner hurts you to a certain point you lose all sexual interest in them. It happened with my husband and I also. I don't think that I could personally hold out that long though.lol. I was still attracted to him, but the act became too stressful for me because I never felt good enough. He had a problem with porn for about a year. He still does as far as I know and it killed my love and sexual appetite for him. 

I honestly don't know how to help you guys. I recently moved out because of the issue. I just can't love him or want him like I used to and it's not fair to any of us for us to stay together. 

I never intertwined love and sex before I met him and I think that is part of my problem. I can not fathom why he would chose porn over a beautiful woman that he supposedly loves who also happens to be a freak in the bedroom? I am WAY better looking than him and have a higher sex drive so I should have been the one needing porn to be satisfied, but I wouldn't even masturbate when he turned me down because I wanted him and only him. 

I, too, had a great dating life before I met him and I had a lot of self confidence. I was dating five different fellas who all adored me(I am a good girl) and were great catches. And, I fall in love with someone who can't love me like I want to be loved. 

I think, for me, the main problem is that he would not stop the behavior. He would stop long enough for me to start trusting him again and we'd resume having awesome sex and then he'd do it again! 

She probably assumes that you still use porn especially since she is not giving you sex. I figure that now that I moved out he's having a great time home alone with his porn. I hope it keeps him warm at night because I sure as hell won't be. Personally, I prefer the real thing. I was faithful and passed up so many opportunities to cheat because I wanted only him and this is what I get for being a good woman. I'll never pass it up again. 

Sorry, I know that didn't help, but I needed to vent and also to let you know a bit about it from the woman's side. 

I was very forgiving and if he had done what you've done for the past year then there would have no longer been a problem in my relationship. Have you guys gone to counseling? Maybe a sex therapist would help? Is she willing to do that?

I tried to get the hubby to go and he didn't want to, but now that I moved out he suddenly wants to go to counseling. Too little, too late as far I'm concerned.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Farfignewton-

Knowing your situation, I think you did the right thing. It took real guts. I really respect you for having the courage of your convictions. That shows real self esteem. There are "no flies on you", as we say in the UK. 

In my opinion, the only way to play some games in life is to say, "you cross my line in the sand, and I am gone". It's not always appropriate, but it's there as the ultimate sanction.


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## Farfignewton (Aug 10, 2008)

Thanks Mark. I know that I am doing the right thing. I have considered that I would give it two months and see if he has changed some things and maybe I will give it another go. The porn use had gotten significantly lower, but it was not the only issue in our relationship. Basically, he just needs to grow and realize that it takes two to make a marriage. My family is not pressuring me to go back, but they really like him and know all of our issues and they believe that he has potential to change. I am taking it extremely slow as I have to work on myself also. I don't like who this relationship has made me become and I need to find myself again.

He obviously loves me and I do still care for him, but he has too many issues. He needs to work on them alone and quit torturing me along the way.

We also have two children together who he is an excellent father to and I would ideally like to raise them together. 

We will see, but for now, I am happy where I am at.


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## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

Sometimes women use sex as a bargaining tool. If you're the perfect husband, then why should she give you sex if she's getting everything for free?


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

cheewagacheewaga said:


> Sometimes women use sex as a bargaining tool. If you're the perfect husband, then why should she give you sex if she's getting everything for free?


When I saw your name at the end of my thread I assumed you would give me a "cheesy" answer like a lot of your comments are . (sorry couldnt resist). But you do nail it.

there is a lot to what you say. She may not be attracted to me or she is really hurt still after the first couple of years of our marriage but she knows in every other way I am a "model" husband. I spend a lot of time with my kids and they adore me in fact far more then her. She doesnt seem to make the same connection with the kids, she is impatient and spends a lot of time on the computer and phone doing her business things.


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

Farfignewton said:


> I know how she feels Brad. Once you partner hurts you to a certain point you lose all sexual interest in them. It happened with my husband and I also. I don't think that I could personally hold out that long though.lol. I was still attracted to him, but the act became too stressful for me because I never felt good enough. He had a problem with porn for about a year. He still does as far as I know and it killed my love and sexual appetite for him.
> 
> I honestly don't know how to help you guys. I recently moved out because of the issue. I just can't love him or want him like I used to and it's not fair to any of us for us to stay together.
> 
> ...


Hey no problem with you venting we are all here for each other. One thing you may have misundertood. I am not into porn.

The main problem was the first couple of years. I grew up lacking any intimacy in my family so all my relationships went the same way. Once I really got to know someone I reverted back to the days of my family. And in our family we keep our distance from one another. No real drama but no real love. It took me a long time and soul searching finally to get to the point where I could love someone. When I dated I dropped every gal I had once it reached that point because I knew I was incapable of true intimacy.

The shocking part for me was I thought my wife would be so happy that I transformed myself. Instead she got real angry. She is not really angry anymore but when I give her a big hug she recoils. She doesnt mind my constant back rubs though. lol.

I think I'm at the point now where I also realize I dont have the balls in a relationhsip to ask for what I want. I am at times feeling angry which is totally not my character. I am a very easy going guy.


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Brad-
> 
> We have talked about this long and hard. I did keep one thing to myself because I thought it would hurt too much, and believe me, it will really upset you, and also it might be rubbish, but if you want I will tell you. Either here or via PM.
> 
> ...


Go ahead Mark PM me. I say so because I also want other people's perspectives and dont want what you say to become the topic of this thread.

It's not about pacifying my ego. I am willing to hear whatever you tell me. I think you have a special talent in deciphering situations. I value what you have to say.

I also want to thank everyone for their comments.


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## Farfignewton (Aug 10, 2008)

I didn't really mean to compare our relationships that closely. Sorry dude. I was trying to just give you the perspective of a woman who was hurt and therefore turned the sex off. 

You need to point out to her that she is damaging the intimacy between you guys just like you had damaged it in your own way. Explain to her that you are putting 110% into this relationship and that it hurts you that she is not doing the same. Maybe say this after a nice dinner or something else intimate.

What are you willing to settle for? Could you suggest that you guys just have a kissing session-no hands or something similar to start gently pushing her towards the main goal?

If she was sexual before and she still loves you then she should still want you somewhere in that head of hers.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

brad said:


> The main problem was the first couple of years. I grew up lacking any intimacy in my family so all my relationships went the same way. Once I really got to know someone I reverted back to the days of my family. And in our family we keep our distance from one another. No real drama but no real love. It took me a long time and soul searching finally to get to the point where I could love someone. When I dated I dropped every gal I had once it reached that point because I knew I was incapable of true intimacy.
> 
> The shocking part for me was I thought my wife would be so happy that I transformed myself. Instead she got real angry. She is not really angry anymore but when I give her a big hug she recoils. She doesnt mind my constant back rubs though. lol.
> 
> I think I'm at the point now where I also realize I dont have the balls in a relationhsip to ask for what I want. I am at times feeling angry which is totally not my character. I am a very easy going guy.


I had a similar upbringing and can relate to what you're saying. Once you made these changes & you noticed her anger set in, did you talk about why she's feeling angry? I have also done some soul searching and made some significant changes and fortunately, they were well received by my husband where I could at that point have seen him thinking too little too late...in my case, it did help that I shared my thoughts with him so he could better understand where I was coming from & didn't leave him questioning my motives. Your marriage sounds 'stuck' (not sure how else to put it, that's just my first thought.) I think by her saying no sex til further notice--not open for discussion put you both in limbo, and now it seems you are at the mercy of her deciding when this will be re-opened for discussion. You are half of this marriage and I know you want her to want it, but you don't necessarily need to approach the subject of sex directly, but I do think you should at least have discussions around intimacy, touch, hugging, your general closeness and where her state of mind is at where that is concerned.


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## OldFashionedGuy (Dec 12, 2008)

She put up a wall that you need to work towards tearing down, she also needs to be chipping away from it on her side as well, this is only done through trust. She doesn't want to be let down again, it's a way she is protecting herself, you need to make it clear that this will not be the case.

You also may get a tidbit of advice here, and don't ask me where I got it from, but it may work. Tell her you are not interested in having sex with her any more and make sure you convince her of it., At that point, she just lost the security of knowing, you are still there waiting on her, that she has a challenge now and don't cave in with her first advances, stand your ground, and when you do finally allow things to move forward, you had damn well better make it something special and I hope you by now know what it takes to please her in the bedroom, for all too often, guys are clueless in that area and are into it just for themselves which doesn't give them a great deal of incentive to jump into the sack, for it is more of a chore at that point rather then something to look forward to. 

You are paying for those first two years, time to pay those dues and get on with your life together.



brad said:


> Married 6 years. Two young kids. Both of us work.
> 
> First couple of years of marriage I was emotionally neglectful. I just wasnt there for my wife and offered no emotional connection. I was stressed about marriage (i was 36 and had a great single life).
> 
> ...


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

OldFashionedGuy said:


> She put up a wall that you need to work towards tearing down, she also needs to be chipping away from it on her side as well, this is only done through trust. She doesn't want to be let down again, it's a way she is protecting herself, you need to make it clear that this will not be the case.
> 
> You also may get a tidbit of advice here, and don't ask me where I got it from, but it may work. Tell her you are not interested in having sex with her any more and make sure you convince her of it., At that point, she just lost the security of knowing, you are still there waiting on her, that she has a challenge now and don't cave in with her first advances, stand your ground, and when you do finally allow things to move forward, you had damn well better make it something special and I hope you by now know what it takes to please her in the bedroom, for all too often, guys are clueless in that area and are into it just for themselves which doesn't give them a great deal of incentive to jump into the sack, for it is more of a chore at that point rather then something to look forward to.
> 
> You are paying for those first two years, time to pay those dues and get on with your life together.


No I spent the first couple of years of our marriage ignoring her needs. I'm not going to get into game playing but what I do is not appear desperate for sex even if I feel like I am. I am playing it cool putting the ball in her court so to speak. but at some point I need to get it out into the open so we can move in one direction or another.


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