# should i give this to her?



## daddy82 (Jun 9, 2017)

hey new here! so 2 weeks ago my wife ask for a separation, i was a mess for a day then I made myself get strong and fight through it for the kids. she has not been at home for pretty much the last 2 weeks. today i found out there is some one else for SURE she did not tell me when i asked she lied to me when i brought it up a week ago. i am not going to add to much back story then other i was a non abusive good dad and husband and we just been suffering stuck in a routine for the last year same thing day in and out,work cook clean eat sleep type deal. she never wanted to sit down and really talk about things and what she wants to happen to fix our rut. she had giving hints to start stepping things up again but i paid little attention to the hints. so i wrote this to her and am going to give it to her. is it to much? 


J,

I have always respected, trusted and loved you from the bottom of my heart. I am not sure you understand what that means, or what love really is? I was there for you everyday of our relationship I took your son, our son C in like my own. I stuck with you through all your trials and tribulations, addiction, depression, PTSD,sleeping for days, never waking up with me and not going to bed with me hardly ever, coming home to you never knowing what I would get, but still happy to see you everyday no matter what. I supported you and OUR children for years on end, let you live how you wanted to. Go out with your friends whenever, do what you wanted. I have always had your back and never said anything disrespectful about you to anyone EVER, always talked very highly of you and meant it all. And through it all I always loved you and was there for you, our son C and our daughter B.

If things were that bad between us you should of came to me and been real serious and told me your true feelings and what NEEDS to happen before things got out of hand, YOU DIDN’T you took the easy way out, you ran away from the issues and found someone else and before it got too serious you cut me out of your life so you did not have to deal with the guilt. That’s not love.

So cutting to the chase I KNOW there is some one else, don’t worry how I know. I would like you to look this person in the eyes and ask. If he would really stick it out with you even if you slept everyday and never knowing if you would get up or not? If you went through your PTSD again and it took over you life for months on end, get into a battle of addiction, was in a financial burden/jobless would they be there for you and the kids and love you through it all? I DID and never want you to go through any of it again. If He said yes do YOU believe him? 

Then ask him would he love C and B like their OWN? Is he really ready to take on this and stick it out for the long run? If he has his own kids would you do the same?

You were in town on Friday and did not offer to pick B up or go to her field trip, this person is more important than your kids now too?

Lets this all sink in and look in the mirror and really think about WHAT YOU ARE DOING. YOU ARE BREAKING UP A FAMILY for your own SELFISH ways. Instead of trying to work on our issues and being real with each other. Now deal with this in your own heart and mind and think about what is really going to happen, figure it out on your own with no one else. That's what i did.

You can go to your friends for comfort but remember they are only going to tell you WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR to feel better.

So on the day we tell B “Daddy will not be living at home anymore” I will have no guilt at all knowing I have had nothing to do with this outcome. I will be devastated but no guilt at all.

Thank you for giving me the best kids in the world.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

My feeling is that when someone wants to leave, its usually to let them go. I don't see anything particular to be gained from the letter. She cheated on you, and leaving to be with this other guy is likely to provide its own poetic justice. 

I think the only thing to say is just to be clear that this is permanent. You wish her happiness (I mean why not) but you plan to get on with your own life and don't want her coming back. (And say no when she does try). 

She is a cheater - likely having an affair with another cheater. They will be miserable together, and your conscious can be completely clear that you have done all the right things.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Think about the end game here. You are going to guilt her to stay? You are going to assume she will all the sudden flip a switch and want to stay with you? You and she will forget/get past all that has happened? 

Does any of that really seem likely? Given the circumstances and the stuff you wrote about her, this is just destined to happen again. Do you want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder?

It's not worth it.


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

Don't give it to her. Just 180 her and move on. It's not going to make a difference to her. Someday and most likely someday soon she will realize this on her own. Hopefully by then you will have moved on.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sounds good to me! Let'er rip!*


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Don't give her the letter. It won't have the results you think. She believes the "perfect life" awaits her right now and your just in the way. All she will get out of the letter is your trying to play the pick me game. Your best bet is to break off communication, read about the 180 which is referenced on this site. 

The more you interact with her, the more you try to convince her that her choices are wrong the more she will convince herself she is right and your "obsessed" or whatnot. Affairs are perfect Lil world's in the heads of wayward spouses, the sooner the perfect world becomes the real world the faster the affair usually falls apart in many cases. Consult a lawyer, file for divorce, that may shock her into seeing what she has to lose, it may not.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Sorry you have to deal with all that. Let her go, document every single incident of her cheating, instability, and neglect of your kids. Then sue for custody in court. If witnesses are available for these instances, bring them to testify. I wouldn't trust someone with this type of past behavior even with partial custody...


Before you give her the letter, save a copy to hang on your wall. It will remind you what you've been through and what you saved your kids from...


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

I say don't send the letter. It is really not going to change anything as for now, she has made up her mind.

But if you insist on sending it reduce it to 2 paragraphs...way too long now.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Better yet, give her a letter that essentially says "hi "wife". The divorce papers you just received arrived in your hands because I found out that you are a lying, unremorseful cheater. So, we will be getting a divorce now. Don't worry about telling your family and friends, as i already took care of that for you. The truth is arriving in their inboxes as you read this. Take care!"

And then refuse to speak to her or acknowledge her texts or phone calls. Have a voice activated recorder available in case she comes running back home to "talk". Record all of it in case she flips out and goes crazy.

ETA: don't move out without consulting the lawer.


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## daddy82 (Jun 9, 2017)

Thanks for all the great replies I am going to sleep on what direction to go with this.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You sound desperate. With what you wrote, who in their right mind would want to stay married to this train wreck? Sleeps for days, depression, jobless, addiction, etc. 

Here's the real question. What is wrong with you? Are you fat, short, bald? Why do you not have confidence? You are free from this train wreck. You are free to go find a beautiful and sexy girl that wants your **** 24/7/365. Why can't you let her go? Are you scared of going through life alone?


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

I'm so sorry. I don't have advice, I just wanted to tell you that you are a terrific husband and seem to be a good person. She will not find anyone that treats her as well as u did. SMH she is making a big mistake.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I completely understand your feelings, any rational person would, however, and allow me to be blunt, you have assumed, in error, that your wife thinks in a manner that resembles the way you think, the way rational people think. She does not. Her mind is not developed to the point that she can comprehend what you are trying to convey. You believe that reading that letter will cause her to perform some introspection, soul searching if you will. I can assure you that it will not. Her mind is too immature and underdeveloped for the letter to affect her in that way. She will most likely share it with the OM and they will both laugh at your sensitive nature.

If your W was capable of reasoned thought do you not believe that she would be behaving very much differently that she currently is? Do you not believe that she would see the sacrifices that you made and the loyalty that you have shown her? She has the mental acuity of a child and your letter will be of no consequence to her in fact, she will not grasp much of what you have written. Nevertheless, I advise that you send the letter if you sincerely want to as it may serve as a release for you to express to her your feelings, even though she will not "get it". It may prove beneficial for your mental well being.

Am I to understand that the children, C and B are her children from a previous relationship? If so, based on your letter and your apparent love for them, this may be the most difficult aspect of your separating from her. I do wish for you strength and good fortune as you seem to be a person of conscience and understanding. She however, is not.


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

Definitely dont send it. It will be pointless. U think it will make her feel bad for what she is doing but she is already checked out. She doesnt care about your feelings. Do limited contact (only for kids and finances). It will work wonders for you


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> You sound desperate. With what you wrote, who in their right mind would want to stay married to this train wreck? Sleeps for days, depression, jobless, addiction, etc.
> 
> Here's the real question. What is wrong with you? Are you fat, short, bald? Why do you not have confidence? You are free from this train wreck. You are free to go find a beautiful and sexy girl that wants your **** 24/7/365. Why can't you let her go? Are you scared of going through life alone?


This^^^^^^


Why are you so desperate for female companionship that you are grovvelling to keep a cheating, psycho, drug addicted cheater with two kids from other men that lays in bed doing nothing all day? 

Why haven't you dumped a bucket of ice water on head to wake her up and give her an afternoon to pack her stuff and move to her boyfriend's house. 

She is disordered and broken.

You have a rip-roaring case of White Knight Syndrome. Deep down you think if you can rescue one of these broken, disordered damsels in distress that they will turn into decent functional women and will love and desire you for all your help and support. 

But the reality is all you will have on your hands is a broken and disordered distressed damsel. She's an addict and a psycho and lazy, do-nuth'n cheater with kids from different men that she needs to feed and she finds chumps with White Knight Syndrome to take them in until she moves on to the next chump.

She's not cheating on you or leaving you because you didn't take good care of her and her kids or because the other dude is better or loves her more or will take better care of them. 

She is doing it because she is broken and disordered and has poor character. It's because she isn't a developed, functional and effective human being. 

Get a lawyer to protect your assets and protect yourself in case she needs a roof over her head again and tries to come back.

Then wish her well and change the locks. 

Then do some deep soul searching and possibly some personal therapy to determine why you feel she is the best you deserve and the best you can get and why you want to hold on to such a person.


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## daddy82 (Jun 9, 2017)

to clear the children up, child C is hers from a previous relationship child B is our child she is 6 years old and to be quite frank i am heart broken not to come home to her everyday. we have been married 7 years, together for 9 years. the battles of hers I speak of did not come parts of our life until our daughter was around 3 years old. she had a traumatic experience in the past that caused PTSD.

If we did not have a kid together this would be so simple to walk away from.

for now the letter is put away.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

daddy82 said:


> hey new here! so 2 weeks ago my wife ask for a separation, i was a mess for a day then I made myself get strong and fight through it for the kids. she has not been at home for pretty much the last 2 weeks. today i found out there is some one else for SURE she did not tell me when i asked she lied to me when i brought it up a week ago. i am not going to add to much back story then other i was a non abusive good dad and husband and we just been suffering stuck in a routine for the last year same thing day in and out,work cook clean eat sleep type deal. she never wanted to sit down and really talk about things and what she wants to happen to fix our rut. she had giving hints to start stepping things up again but i paid little attention to the hints. so i wrote this to her and am going to give it to her. is it to much?
> 
> 
> J,
> ...


I think it is a good, heartfelt letter.

You never know what effect that kind of sincerity can have on a person, especially long term. It may weigh on their conscience, and make them think.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

daddy82 said:


> to clear the children up, child C is hers from a previous relationship child B is our child she is 6 years old and to be quite frank i am heart broken not to come home to her everyday. we have been married 7 years, together for 9 years. the battles of hers I speak of did not come parts of our life until our daughter was around 3 years old. she had a traumatic experience in the past that caused PTSD.
> 
> If we did not have a kid together this would be so simple to walk away from.
> 
> for now the letter is put away.


Write your letter if you want to and then burn it.Then send your lying,cheating,manipulating soon to be ex wife divorce papers instead.Would you really want her back after she gets dumped by her boyfriend because suddenly she has kids to look after.Would you be happy to play plan B to this scheming shrew of a woman who puts her side piece ahead of her children.She may come back but at what price,your dignity,your self esteem and your sense of propriety.Get as much custody of your own child as you can but do not enable her by looking after both children and allowing her to screw around with this guy or the next one.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Are you saying she left and took the kids or not? It sounded to me like she abandoned them with you. Keep a journal of everything she is doing and what you are doing.

That she lied about the other man means she wants to keep you as a back up plan if he doesn't work out. Find out if he is married. There are many strategies you can use but you need to give more info about what you know and what you really want.

For example, if she has just walked out and isn't doing anything toward taking care care of either child a judge may even give you full custody. What does her child's father contribute? 

Would you want her back after her cheating?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Those letters never do anything productive. It may be cathartic to write it, but sending it would not have the results you want.

Your child is better off having two parents in different homes who are happy and who model good relationships. It is worse for the child to grow up in a home with married bitter unhappy parents who model poor relationship dynamics. You cannot have ideal any longer, which would be you and your wife being happily married while raising your child. It is what it is. You can be angry about it, but you cannot change it back to ideal ever again.

Your best strategy is to protect yourself moving into divorce. When a woman asks for separation there is almost always another man involved already. When there is, it means she has already decided to leave the marriage. You cannot nudge, Nice, or Pick Me Dance her back into the marriage. There is a slim chance she will come around on her own, and filing for divorce is usually the best strategy to accomplish that. It is a shock when she sees you moving on, and it brings some reality to the situation for her. If she has a genuine turn around, you can halt the divorce proceedings to see if things can work out. If she doesn't have a turn around, you will be on the path to protecting yourself.

Protecting your finances and your custody rights are important in order to give your child the best possible future. This is why you need to get out ahead on the divorce proceedings. If you sit back and hope she will come home, or if you think she will be fair in the divorce, you are likely to get destroyed in the divorce.

If she is caught up in some romance, it is to your benefit to proceed as quickly as possible to divorce. You will get the best possible outcome for you and your child.

Sorry you're going through this.


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## daddy82 (Jun 9, 2017)

she is still living at home but she is gone until bedtime. she has still been bringing our child to school but i have been picking her up and doing all the house duty's bedtime cleaning and so on. if my step son was not living at this house i would not even consider moving out of here. I also do not world war 3 to happen I am not the type to get out of control. in the best interest of the kids i feel leaving here is the best thing for me to do that way i know they still have a safe household to go to. 

she has had lots of issues but she has always fought through them for the kids they were always taken care of good from her, she is a loving mother. 

I am not looking for reconciliation that would take lots of time and a rebuild of trust on my end. 

my letter was wrote more to clear my head and tell her how i feel as i can't do this face to face as i do not have that option .


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## lisacolorado (May 2, 2017)

You shouldn't give her the letter. Either she will distort it in her mind, or use it for evidence in court, or show it to people


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## daddy82 (Jun 9, 2017)

ok i decided not to give it to her. i will keep my mouth shut and walk away from this issue in the best interest of the children involved. I came to the conclusion that she does not even deserve to hear my feelings anymore, you share your feelings with people you trust and i don't trust her at all.

I want to thank you all for the great advice and i am so happy that i manned up and joined this forum and put that letter on here. 

it did feel good writing that letter and also gave me some clarity and a way for me to cut things off with her in my mind and heart. I don't think i ever wrote anything in my life purely from my heart like that and tell you what it felt good even know the content of the letter was sad.

so right now i will be working on myself doing things for myself and enjoying my kids. who knows maybe i will write a story on here in a couple months saying how happy i am now.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

daddy82 said:


> she has had lots of issues but she has always fought through them for the kids they were always taken care of good from her, she is a loving mother.


Re-think this.

A "loving mother" doesn't behave this way.

A wise advisor gave me the insight that caring for her children isn't what a woman who behaves in this manner is about. She's about the "single life" and having fun. The center of attention. Kids simply get in her way.


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## Sly Fox (Jun 6, 2017)

Even though I am sure you are making all valid points, I think the letter is too long and confrontational. 

If you want to save your marriage, I think you need to expose this affair. Contact her parents and or close friend who can reason with her.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Good on you for choosing not to send the letter.

The single best thing you can do is take actions that clearly show you love and respect yourself too much to tolerate sharing her with another man.

File, simultaneously have her served and expose, then move on.

Also, work on improving yourself. Ask yourself why you would have even considered tolerating this situation for longer that a day without taking action.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Talk to a lawyer before you move out of your home. In some jurisdictions, the court might look at you leaving as abandonment. You might want to file and have a temporary custody and time sharing agreement in place before you move out.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Wow, you can't take a hint if it fell on you. People often separate to have sex with other people. Most are already in an affair. First off why in heck would you want to send a letter like that to a wife who cheated and lied to you? You are coming across as desperate which will give her the upper hand from then on. You risk becoming the safety net should her affair not make it. When my ex fiance cheated I did not even ask her who the other guy was, I just dumped her butt and moved on. I had to get back a lot of deposits we had for the wedding in six months and I lost a few, but it was worth it. I did not bother asking her questions and telling her to question her affair like a love sick puppy. I let her suffer the consequences of her actions. Her new boyfriend dumped her, she turned to drugs, and developed life long mental problems. She left her husband for a woman. Now she knows how cheating on me altered her life forever. 

My wife got to enjoy a lifestyle she never dreamed she could have. Usually the wife writes letters like you do and I do not see any upside to sending it. She will take you suggestion about looking at her boyfriend as jealousy on your part. Women do not leave their husband lightly. They are usually deeply in love with a guy that they have been seeing for a long time, even if they say they just met. Why would you want a wife back that proved she can easily lie to you and is untrustworthy. Believe me, living a life where you stomach is always in knots when you are thinking if your wife is cheating on you when she comes home late or goes shopping on weekends, is not a good life. It usually takes a very long and not so fun time to get close to what you used to have. Read this to see how low your chances are of her making it work with you again:
Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater? Marriage Therapists Weigh In | HuffPost


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Here's your revised letter: 
Wife, you have been committing adultery. I have no desire to ever see you again. I deserve better. I will make sure the kids have a better mother for a role model as soon as I can get remarried.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

daddy82 said:


> ok i decided not to give it to her. i will keep my mouth shut and walk away from this issue in the best interest of the children involved. I came to the conclusion that *she does not even deserve *to hear my feelings anymore, you share your feelings with people you trust and i don't trust her at all.



You beat me to the punch.

She does not deserve any courtesy whatsoever. Just be very curt to she.

Be ice cold. Save your heat for a real women.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

daddy82 said:


> to clear the children up, child C is hers from a previous relationship child B is our child she is 6 years old and to be quite frank i am heart broken not to come home to her everyday. we have been married 7 years, together for 9 years. the battles of hers I speak of did not come parts of our life until our daughter was around 3 years old. she had a traumatic experience in the past that caused PTSD.
> 
> If we did not have a kid together this would be so simple to walk away from.
> 
> for now the letter is put away.


I believe you should have gave her the letter. It is going to take something harsh it wake her up.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

daddy82 said:


> ok i decided not to give it to her. i will keep my mouth shut and walk away from this issue in the best interest of the children involved. I came to the conclusion that she does not even deserve to hear my feelings anymore, you share your feelings with people you trust and i don't trust her at all.
> 
> I want to thank you all for the great advice and i am so happy that i manned up and joined this forum and put that letter on here.
> 
> ...


You honestly think your cheating wife and her new guy will have your kids best interest at heart. Really, wake up. You said it yourself about all the problems she has. 

Fight for your kid. Do not leave the house and grow a set and stand up for you kid and yourself. Move her out of the bedroom to the couch or wherever. Do not leave your home.


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