# Feel Like I Don't Exist



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

to my stbxh. When he leaves on his vacations (visiting family this time) he never ever emails me, calls me or gets into contact at all. It is like I don't exist anymore.

We were the best of friends until his EDysfunction, yes we had our difficulties but there were no anger issues just communication issues.

He told me he stopped loving me 18 months ago but kept buying me jewelry, furniture and other things that put lie to that. He was unable to tell me why his actions differed from his words. He said he didn't know. At one point, he told me was confused and he didn't know what he was doing.

It all seemed minor until the EA. Then he met her on a previous vacation a month ago and it looks like it didn't turn out. After all, she is 65 , married 45 yrs. Not exactly heady stuff. Calls and texts have dropped hugely since then. I asked him about this and he said it never was an affair, she is going through tough times. I believe that version is a lie. You don't dye your moustache and buy new cologne.

That still doesn't change our divorce court date nor why he so easily cut me out. He said he understood the pain, I can't believe it. He can compartmentalize so easily, not me. He has done so with daughter and grandbaby so what success do I have? He is huge denial of his feelings, I see it in his eyes. So my marriage is broke because he runs away? He said he doesn't run away, but what do you call leaving for a total of six weeks in last three months?

Just needed to dump as I have been in the dumps for a couple of days. I am stuck in same house and it is hell.


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

Sparkles

How old is your H? Sounds like maybe a bit of mid-life crisis issues? Is he seeing a counseller? He sounds a lot like my H. That is one reason I didn't do the 180 very well as he would never have ever contacted me - I felt the same way as you that I never existed.

Did you file for divorce because of the EA? Motorcyles, I'm not sure what is with that but I know a lot of my friends who are over 50 have all of a sudden decided they need bikes. They are married and they both ride but just seems so strange.

I hope you feel better soon and the pain goes away. How are your children reacting to their father?


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Oh Sparkles it sucks to feel that way. I was posting the other day about how my friend for the past 25+ years is freezing me out. That hurts as much as the marriage falling apart. I feel like everyone is bailing on me


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Oh Spark, my heart goes out to you. 
I feel the same way you do with all the hurt and anger and unanswered questions. But I don't have to see my stbx and I don't know how I would deal with it if I did.

This is actually one of the reasons why I thought my H didn't have a hard time in letting me go. He had already cut his heart out and lived with me for 12 months without me knowing. I am now thinking that those months were his closure, he was around me, laughed with me, treated me well, slept with me, done things only husbands and wives do, with absolutely no feeling attachment at all. I don't know how somebody does that to another person, but he is a liar and he did it. He lied to my face.
Now my heart is broken and I have no closure.

I feel as if I don't exist either. I don't understand how someone who you have been best friends with for years can just dump you all of a sudden. It hurts like hell how we can be so easily cut out like nothing ever happened at all.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

stair, caught & clinging: Aye aye aye, he is 65 yrs old. I don't think it is a midlife but perhaps a bucket crisis?

He is just able to compartmentalize superbly because in reality he doesn't face ANY difficult feelings. Would shut me off after a while, he can't handle it if it is not about him.

Remember, we may not exist to them but WE EXIST! We do. He is always asking about my other ex (23 yrs married that time and lives in same town) or whether the people in my 12 step program get married (of course and successfully/fail just like the other human beings). He inquires not so subtly what the chances are that I am going to have ltr with someone else.

Too strange. Yes I am partially to blame, and here's the sin I made a joke about the ED, I didn't want him to feel bad, I wanted him to know it was not a big deal and there are drugs one can take to fix this very thing, but that was the WRONG emotion and I didn't know that and he will NOT forgive me even though I have asked a few times and explained but he won't. He now is blaming me for that. 

And so there it is: the skeleton in the closet. BFD that is not what being a man is about but evidently not to him and that is why all of this went down. But he won't admit that, he makes up 3 episodes of pure BS that that is the reason. He won't face the truth so he wrecked our marriage over his D_CK.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

caughtdreaming said:


> Oh Spark, my heart goes out to you.
> I feel the same way you do with all the hurt and anger and unanswered questions. But I don't have to see my stbx and I don't know how I would deal with it if I did.
> 
> This is actually one of the reasons why I thought my H didn't have a hard time in letting me go. He had already cut his heart out and lived with me for 12 months without me knowing. I am now thinking that those months were his closure, he was around me, laughed with me, treated me well, slept with me, done things only husbands and wives do, with absolutely no feeling attachment at all. I don't know how somebody does that to another person, but he is a liar and he did it. He lied to my face.
> ...


:iagree: with all of the above posts. I am going through the same feelings myself. A 25 yr friendship and a 23 yr marriage now seem like they never existed to H yet he repeatedly tells our son that he is worried that I will not continue to be his friend. This has my head absolutely spinning. H said that there is nothing left for him from our marriage. I disagreed vehemently, citing our kids to begin the list. How does one just wipe away 25 yrs?


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I feel like the whole country has something to do this weekend except me. I am laying on the couch watching tv while all the neighbors are outside with their stupid families.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I know you don't feel lucky right now, but you are SO LUCKY to live close enough to get to the ocean. I hate this state.

I am grill food so I'm at least doing something 4th-ish.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

staircase said:


> I feel like the whole country has something to do this weekend except me. I am laying on the couch watching tv while all the neighbors are outside with their stupid families.


*Nope, not me! Doing the same thing and feeling like a piece of crap as I sit here alone. Knowing stbx is probably having a great old time with whatever. Dang it. Why am I the loser in this situation.*



Sparkles422 said:


> stair, caught & clinging: Aye aye aye, he is 65 yrs old. I don't think it is a midlife but perhaps a bucket crisis?
> 
> *Yes. That could be it.*
> 
> ...


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

staircase said:


> I know you don't feel lucky right now, but you are SO LUCKY to live close enough to get to the ocean.


Nicki, 
I am also so jealous. Also I love the ocean-studied it for a year.
I am stuck in a freaking town w/a population of maybe 1000. 
There are no trains or roller coasters here, no mall, no shops, nothing. 
The biggest event for me is getting someone to get me some diet coke from the store. sad. go ahead and laugh. 
The city is an hour and a half away. yep.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

nickiblue said:


> the important thing is to do something you enjoy and makes you relax of feel special- make a list. mine includes buying nailpolish and painting my nails, sitting in the sun, going gym, meeting friends for coffee (general chitchat), making a daisychain.
> i dont think i have crashed yet though, i still have hope he will change his mind


Yeah, I did take a shower today. I did go outside for a few minutes, walked around in the field. That's a pretty big step for me at the moment. *waits for everyone to laugh*
I don't really have any friends here. 
Yep, Ive crashed hard.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

nickiblue said:


> youre staying with your parents right? is that where you grew up?


That's right. I'm just to going mosey around here for the summer I guess.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Still need to complain. I am feeling worse as the day goes on. I don't have to work for the next two days, but yet here I sit. I've grilled, walked up to the store, watched a movie, watched tv and hung out with my son before he had to work. I am out of things to do.

Well, I do have a bunch of beers and they can be my friends!


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

well I live just 10 minutes from the ocean and I could give a holy crap. I have lived by the sea all of my life. What I wouldn't give for soft hills and the smell of earth...

I have things to do for the 4th but I could give a hoot. I don't feel like doing anything but of course I am in bed getting ready to read after my nightly rituals. The 4th is blown (no pun intended) out of proportion, only thing good is it's a day off.

Yeah caught it was about that: the big D_ _ K. Can you believe it?

I have 17 days before DDay. Wow, it came fast but I had gone to the courthouse to request that they give me the date and they didn't have one but they pushed his response back up to the judge and after I got back from checking out another town to live, there it was waiting. That woman really was very nice.

Interesting what will happen now. Probably nothing. But I need to sell this house.

nicki: I was in London (my father lived in Chelsea) and really loved it. I would love to live there. I am originally born in NYC and enjoy the amenities of city life but that's it so that is why I am stuck in this retirement community by the ocean and I need to find a town that actually has JOBS.

Thanks all.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I trade you the smell of earth for the smell of the sea. I miss that smell so much 

I hear a bunch of people outside having fun. I hate them.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Stair you have done more today than I probably have all week.


staircase said:


> Well, I do have a bunch of beers and they can be my friends!


I wish I had those kinds of friends right now.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Sitting on the couch and watching tv and movies on my computer isn't what I was originally aspiring to with my long weekend :/

I haven't cracked open any beers. I have to get up for that.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Gee. What could be better than hanging out here on TAM

There are people camping in a field a mile up the road. I can hear them singing and laughing when I go outside. Darn their campfire of happiness.



staircase said:


> I haven't cracked open any beers. I have to get up for that.


That made me crack a smile.


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