# Need Advice



## mistake (Dec 2, 2009)

Three years ago i cheated on my husband, i told him 2 years ago. When i told him, he said okay and stayed and we continued on with our marriage. This week he has told me he can't get over it and doesn't know if he ever will. I was so happy he didnt walk away at first that i was blind to his pain and hurt. He is telling me he now resents the kids because that is why he stayed.
I made a huge mistake three years ago...i am married to the perfect man, he is my soul mate. I never thought i deserved him, i had my own insecurities i never delt with. That is why i cheated, i was always waiting for the day he woke up and said what the hell am i doing here.
He says he loves me but not as his wife anymore...i need to fix this, how can i fix this. I love him so much, i can't live with out him. We have two beautiful kids that will be distroyed because of me, and my actions, my insecurities.
He said he is willing to go to counseling but says it probally won't help, i am not giving up hope yet.

Please if anyone can give me some advice or really anything right now would help. Is this a lost cause, what can i do to help him with his pain, make hime happy again.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You leave out a lot of detail.

How long was the affair? Was it with someone he knows? Why did you tell him? Have you and he had any marriage counseling since then?

Do you ever talk about the affair?

At the very least you need to listen to him and what he says. Merely admitting to this awful thing is not enough to repair things between the two of you.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

If he is willing to go to counseling that is a great step in the right direction. Many don't buy counseling at all. With the right counselor he may find ways to get past his anger and resentment. The fact alone that he resents his own children because of your infidelity indicates he does need counseling. No father or mother should resent their own children over someone elses mistakes. two plus years ago my wife didn't think counseling would help. She didn't think the marriage had much of a chance at all at recovery. But we are still together, still working at it and happier than we've been in years. There is hope. Remember, this has been festering in him for two years. It will take a long time for him to recover his feelings for you and his commitment to the marriage. Good luck.


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## mistake (Dec 2, 2009)

I cheated once, and i stopped it. It was with a man me and my husband were working for a short time. I told him because i had found some emails between him and another person just talking but talking about things he never metioned to me. I was mad at him...then i thought i can't be made at him for talking when i did something physical. He began being honest with me and i felt i needed to be honest with him.

No we have not had any marriage counseling, he went to some counseling sessions to deal with his issues. He was abused as a child and he never told me because he was embarrasses and thought i would leave because he is so screwed up, that what the emails were about. I am willing to go but he doesnt think it will help.

We never really talked about it, we did a little, but like i said i thought everything was okay i was so blind to his pain. I am telling him i want to get help, that i will do whatever it takes to make it work, then he wants to know why i didn't do that two years ago. I didn't know it was this bad, i should have, i was just so happy he didn't walk out on me. I don't want to blame him in anyway, but he kept this all inside for 2 years and now he says he is done trying...i didnt even know what he was going through.

I am listening to him, but he is basical saying it is over...he is not happy, and all i want is for us to try to get over this together, deal with this like he has by himself for the last 2 years.

I can't imagine my life without him and i have told him this, but he says i am not the same person to him anymore. Has anyone gone through this?? Can you please help?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Can't unring a bell. Sad but true.

All you can do is live decently and transparently and express over and over your remorse -- to him.

AND go to a MC with or without him. He may come around.

What you've done has traumatized him. It will take a long time to trust you again, if ever.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

I was abused as a child and sadly it is incredibly difficult to trust anyone. This is going to take a ton of patience and understanding from you. You should start doing some reading about abused children and the difficulties they have as adults. I can tell you trusting is a big problem, as well as a fear of abandonment. Very difficult things to get past, especially without counseling.


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## mistake (Dec 2, 2009)

He just came home for lunch and we talked. We decided that he will move out after christmas as he needs some time and distance to figure out why he cant get past it. I love so much that i told him i am willing to let him go right now. Was that wrong?? It hurts so bad, i need him. He doesnt think counseling will work but is willing, we might go seperatly to see.

I cant function right now...i haven't been to work in day and i half. I haven't ate and i am making myself sick. I need to talk to someone and i have read that this helps, i need help. I am going to talk to my mom right now and tell her everything, i know this will crush her, he is like her son. He came to live with us when he was 16, three years after his mom died.

He is dead inside and i don't know if he will come back to me.


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## imsotired (Dec 2, 2009)

iv been following your story....im not sure how to react....i am a wife who husbands cheated on her....iv been married for 14 years....he had an affair a year n a half into our marriage....i just found out september 18th because the women is suing us for child support for her daughter she says is my husbands...we are going through paternity right now....this little girl is 3 months older than our daughter.....i can not even tell you, that before this i could not have asked for or wanted a more blessed family and life....why are you not eating or unable to function? he didnt do anything to you. i always find it amusing to watch the people who create there own consequences then become the victim....my husband and i are doing the best to work through this...we have children and a family.....we will go through this together or divorced....i know what it feels like to be fullfilled from the love and blessing of a family..and i know we can get that back.....i am a christian woman and know that God has given me everything I have...and will never put in front of me what i can not handle......im not sure i would have the strength to work on my marriage if my husband was paying the victim role......is God in your life?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

After you cheated, did you simply sweep the whole situation under the rug? Didn't talk about it? Were you contrite with tears and weeping over what you did to him? I ask this because maybe that's why he has pulled away emotionally. If he was not allowed to grieve. And more importantly you weren't grieving, he could feel that is just didn't matter that much to you.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

If you really want him back, drop your ego, drop your protection and everyday ask for forgiveness. You have no idea what pain you have caused. But if you show him a form of 'balance' in the pain - meaning show him that you truly are in pain now realizing not just that he's left, but that you hurt him so deeply - perhaps that will 'balance' things out for him. All you can do is the best you can do. Drop the ego and plead. Don't ask for forgiveness - what you did can not be forgiven. (Sorry, but true.) BUT It can become a 'thing' that is part of your fabric and part of his fabric. Perhaps a part that makes you realize how amazing this man is - and how F-ing lucky you are to have ever had him in your life. (You have to really really really feel this way. No more lies.)


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