# how to initiate a talk about sex?



## MAEPT10 (Oct 19, 2011)

Men; how do you initiate a talk about your marital sex life with your wife? 

Your concerns are that you two don't do it any more (approx. 10 times all year in 2011), only do it if alcohol is involved, and concerned that wife might only do it just for you and not have enjoyment or want to have any enjoyment in sex. Also, your fears are that a talk like this will cause a fight, and could cause your wife to feel more down about herself and have more depression issues because she may feel that she is a bad wife in this area.

Women; what would be an acceptable way for your husband to initiate a talk about your marital sex life with him? (my concerns as the husband wanting to have this talk are above)


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## Wantsmore (Sep 13, 2011)

Just sit her down and start talking. Or take her out somewhere nice and start the conversation. 

You have to start somewhere. Just open up and get it out there, she is probably wondering why you never talk about things anyway.


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## MAEPT10 (Oct 19, 2011)

Wantsmore said:


> Just sit her down and start talking. Or take her out somewhere nice and start the conversation.
> 
> You have to start somewhere. Just open up and get it out there


, 
:iagree:


[/QUOTE]she is probably wondering why you never talk about things anyway.[/QUOTE]

hhahaha I'm not laughing at you, thanks for the advice. Makes me chuckle because I am pretty sure she doesn't feel that way. She does not like talking about things, especially feelings or shet like that. She always says she is more like the man in those ways and i'm a lot like a woman that wants to talk about shet.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I wish I knew. I have tried to initiate talk about our sex life many many times over the years and I never get anywhere. I was told that he 'can't' talk about it, that he has some kind of mental block finally. Then next time he says he never said that. This will be brought up in MC the next time we go - we were on hiatus while our MC had a baby but we go back in a week and a half. I can't wait.

Sorry, a bit of my own rant there.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

As a woman, the only thing I could suggest would be to phrase it as intimacy, not getting your rocks off. Meaning saying " I need more sex" can have a negative effect.

Saying things like it make you feel closer, you desire HER, as opposed to needing to just have sex, you want to be with her more, you enjoy being with her, etc. might possibly go over better.


Some women really can take the "I need more sex" comment as an indication that they are being used for sexual gratification. Not sure if your wife would. Good luck.


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## Thegandees (Jan 4, 2012)

What you don't wanna do is tell your wife that you wanna have sex with other women, because your wife doesn't please you enough.

If you didnt want to talk about it and bring it up. Next time yall are intimate, spend all your time on her or make a special night out of it. Asking her what she likes and doesn't like. Massaing her, kissing her, talkign sweet to her, stuff like that. Make sure she has the time to just lay there and enjoy herself, others wise she will rush you. Thats what i would of liked my husband to do instead of just start sexting with other girls.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

"What do you think is your best feature?...oh yea? I love ...."

"Where would you say is your most erogenous zone? Mine is...."

"Know what I really love? I love when you...."

"All of a sudden I had this sudden urge to kiss your neck" (and do it...).

Lots of ways to start a conversation about sex. But you gotta start a conversation, not an attack.


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## Tamgerine (Nov 15, 2009)

that_girl said:


> "What do you think is your best feature?...oh yea? I love ...."
> 
> "Where would you say is your most erogenous zone? Mine is...."
> 
> ...


I definitely agreed with this. It doesn't have to be "a talk." Sitting down and treating it as a serious issue right off the bat may put her off. Have you tried initiating sex more often? Do you get turned down a lot?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Also, bring up a past good sexual time...in a wistful way 

"remember that time...."


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## MAEPT10 (Oct 19, 2011)

Tamgerine said:


> I definitely agreed with this. It doesn't have to be "a talk." Sitting down and treating it as a serious issue right off the bat may put her off. Have you tried initiating sex more often? Do you get turned down a lot?



I try to initiate sex all the time and get rejected so much. We only did it like 10 all of last year. And none this new year yet. Last time was first week of December.

Right now I'm working on doing stuff for me and taking care of me. So on my NMMNG online forum I was urged to start a sex moratorium. So for a month I am not going to have sex with her. Sounds stupid because I'm not having sex with her anyway. But what I mean is, I am not going to initiate any sex either. I was told by the guys on there to let her know what I was doing and for how long and to let her know that I will still continue to be touchy and cuddly but when I do this I am not expecting sex. 

Who knows how this will work out. 

Oh and thank you all for the ideas of how to bring up this topic. I have tried pretty much everything on here before to no avail. I bring up past encounters with her and she says she does not like to talk about those things (ie: positions, or I like it when you ...).


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

from the posts that I have read, most women can outlast most men in a sexual embargo situation. Not sure this is the best path forward.

She doesn't like to talk about it. So what happens if you don't "ask" for sex? What if you just take her hand and tell her to come along upstairs for some quality time together? 

My situation? The more I talked and discussed and asked why my wife was not as interested in sex as me, the more turned off she got. It wasn't until I became more direct and began leading her that she began to respond more. The less I worried about her enjoyment the more sex I got. Now it's no problem. Counter-intuitive, but it worked for us.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

Take a look at this thread....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ats-attractive-my-wifes-input.html#post181910


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## duchesspink (Jan 28, 2012)

I think you need to be direct in dealing with issues like this.

You can't make someone engage in a conversation but if they won't engage then you need to spell out the implications of it.

I would suggest telling her that you want to have a frank discussion about your marriage and how happy both of you are in it.
Ask her is she happy with every aspect of your marriage, no matter what her reply, you must tell her that you love her very much and love your relationship however the intimacy levels aren't making you happy.

Tell her that you miss making love with her and ask if there is anything that you could do to make her want to try sex more. 

I've just left a celibate marriage where my husband wouldn't enter into discussions with me as to why he wouldn't make love. 
I couldn't make him talk as he'd leave the room or house when I tried to broach the subject. We got to a stalemate whereby the only way I could bring it up was in a bad way and usual in an innapropriate setting. 

You catch more bees with honey than vinegar and I know that now. I tried every approach but none worked for me, so in the end I had to spell out regularly that his refusal to discuss it meant that I was having to evaluate my place in our marriage.

I hope you don't get to that stage but you don't have to live in a celibate marriage either. It stands to sense that it can't be happy for both of you if one of you is miserable


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