# Finally a talk and still no closure



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Had a talk with STBXH yesterday before his 2 wk vacation (he's gone again). Explained my behavior and the why then asked if he hadn't loved or liked me for 18 months, why then did he buy all the jewelry in October, the chairs in December (2010) and build me the enclosed greenhouse in February (2011).

He doesn't know. I am with someone that has completely shut down and can't explain his actions. 

Then he says he doesn't run away, but his actions of the last 3 months say different. He has been gone a total of 6 weeks.

I saw real pain in his eyes when we spoke but you can't reach someone is refused to be reached whether by denial or pride.

I have no choice because I gave him opportunities that were never taken. Told him I still loved him but I never begged or pleaded, I just carried on to the best of ability.

I must close this and move on.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Sparkles422 said:


> I saw real pain in his eyes when we spoke but you can't reach someone is refused to be reached whether by denial or pride.
> .


INDEED!
I am watching my stbxw do the same thing. This sudden sense of pride or personal power being fed thru and assauged thru recent and sudden "deep bonds" with girlfriends who incidently are going thru the same thing. I would rather her get the support and build personal worth and value from people who arent completely hostile towards their ex's, for whatever their situations were, becuase its a bad influence for sure. I just wish she would choose more wisely whom she uses as her support circle. These are not positive people, but more of the same denying and prideful almost boastful of their current "win", when it was by their very own hand that they greatly failed.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Sparkles422 said:


> Had a talk with STBXH yesterday before his 2 wk vacation (he's gone again). Explained my behavior and the why then asked if he hadn't loved or liked me for 18 months, why then did he buy all the jewelry in October, the chairs in December (2010) and build me the enclosed greenhouse in February (2011).
> 
> *He doesn't know. I am with someone that has completely shut down and can't explain his actions.*


I got the same thing too. He doesn't know.
Every question you get the same thing- I don't know. 
I don't ask questions anymore. He has no clue whats going on, quite frankly his brain is completely f***ed up. Since I left he works 15hr days then drinks himself to sleep. Told me he was on a very serious "downward spiral". Hardly no contact now. When I started to feel bad for him I knew it was time to stop talking about emotions and feelings, I would be setting myself up for another painful blow. Time to only talk about things to do with money or D. It really really hurts, this was my best friend we're talking about. I know I will never have closure.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I'll never have the closure I want, either. What's worse is I never got any "I stopped loving you" speeches. Dumb ass over there tells me it's just a matter of lifestyle-mainly my soon to be 19 year old son. I wish he would just tell me he doesn't love me instead of throwing up this crap because I am here thinking I love him enough to get through whatever we have to.

Now I am getting mad.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ I still get the ILY from my ex and we're divorced now. In fact he texts me often about how he misses me. Crazy, yeah?

And I ALSO told him I wanted him to just gift me w/ saying "I don't love you anymore" instead of saying how much he loved me. I told him "It's more f-cked up what you're doing." And he'd always say "You know I can't do that because then I'd be lying. I do love you. All I ever wanted was you."

RIDDLE ME THAT! LOL


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

"this was never a question of if I love you"

ok thanks.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> ^ I still get the ILY from my ex and we're divorced now. In fact he texts me often about how he misses me. Crazy, yeah?
> 
> And I ALSO told him I wanted him to just gift me w/ saying "I don't love you anymore" instead of saying how much he loved me. I told him "It's more f-cked up what you're doing." And he'd always say "You know I can't do that because then I'd be lying. I do love you. All I ever wanted was you."
> 
> RIDDLE ME THAT! LOL


He's the wayward one, correct? If so what a F*cking Pr!ck (pardon the french)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Correction. He was the "wayward one." We're divorced now. 2 months.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Well I guess its his way of coping with the shame of giving up on his vows. JB, try not to take it personally I guess?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Sparkles422 said:


> I have no choice because I gave him opportunities that were never taken. Told him I still loved him but I never begged or pleaded, I just carried on to the best of ability.
> 
> I must close this and move on.


Wow. Very appropriate that I read this tonight. 

I've been separated from my H for 7 months now and been all over the place emotionally. I thought we could just "be friends" and he keeps saying we should be that and nothing more. He shows me little or no affection, has no interest in doing anything with me unless it has to do with his new boat. We don't do any of the things we used to do together (including having sex). We are almost completely platonic. I've tried to play it his way by being his "buddy" and just having a good time being on the boat and enjoying that with him but it's just too painful. I still love the guy. 

When I'm not with him, I've immersed myself in my own hobbies, activities, friends but when I am with him I fall back into my role of begging, pleading, crying and wondering what can be done to fix things. 

Today, at the end of 6 days of vacationing with the kids where we got along fine and had a great time he told me he wasn't working on the marriage any more and that I should just like him the way he is and say or desire nothing more. I just said that I want to be part of his life again. He wants nothing of that. 

So I packed up, took my daughter home and left a day early. He seemed pissed. I asked him if we were still friends and he said "That's up to you". I told him that I was giving him what he wanted and left. I don't think he'd thought I'd actually leave. In the past I would've stayed and screamed and pleaded and cried and been miserable. Instead..I just told him that I'd wanted to share a life together and make it work but it didn't seem to be happening..so it was time to go. 

I'm not angry anymore. I just feel empty and lost. I think I'm finally realizing that it's over and it's time to move on. I feel like finally..after 7 months of being physically separated it's time to start separate emotionally and it's a LOT more difficult. 

"Opportunities that were never taken..I must close this and move on". Well said.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

freak on a leash:
I know what that friend situation is, it's a way for them to say See we are still friends, I didn't hurt or harm you. No,no that's allowing them their cake and eating it.

My separation was completely confusing. He bought a motorcycle and kept leaving me weeks at a time. You know, his reasons for dissolution were so pitiful. In reality, this is his third marriage and there is a commitment problem on his part, when the going gets tough, he gets going. He's gone again as I write this.

Separating emotionally is very difficult because then the pain comes. Who likes to feel that terrible pain? I know I didn't but I am glad I went through it up front. It will get better.

The hardest thing is closure on a relationship that has none. When we talk, he is so out of touch with his true feelings (I can see the pain in his eyes every once in a while) he doesn't have answers for his actions so because he doesn't know neither will I.

It will be better for you to face it now especially since he has told you. Why waste another minute of your precious life on something that is not going to happen?

It may be time to move on.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

No closure is a hard thing to deal with, but believe him. Is telling you all that he can. My knuckleheaded H (also on his third marriage) left and didn't tell me anything, my therapist got me to see he gave all he could and all he had...it's just not enough. I pity him...and the next woman that comes to deal with him and his wierdness.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

But dont they ever question why they DONT KNOW themselves? Don't they themselves ever want to know why?


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