# Husband won't talk to me



## dixie comfort (Feb 22, 2015)

We have been married for 15 years. My husband is Bipolar and manic depressive, so i understand that he has trouble communicating, but sometimes it's just so frustrating. Everytime we have a disagreement, if I voice my opionion, it always leads to me crying, and everything being my fault! I still love him, but sometimes feel overwhelmed. I don't want to end up resenting him, or gettin a divorce, but something's gotta give. It's not just arguments, sometimes he breaks things.(That's where the manic depression comes from. moments of mania.) He has never hit me or anything, but sometimes it feels like emotional abuse. Also, we have a twelve year old child involved. I just don't know what to do anymore!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Is he on medication? If so, does he take it as prescribed? Perhaps a visit to his doctor is in order.

Also, have the two of you ever been to marriage counseling? It could be very helpful, especially helping him learn better ways of communicating. Throwing things and blaming you for everything is not effective. Plus I'm sure it can be downright scary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

dixie comfort said:


> My husband is Bipolar and manic depressive.


Dixie, welcome to the TAM forum. Bipolar and manic depression are the very same disorder. Bipolar is simply the new term for describing it. If the manic episodes are very mild, the disorder is said to be "bipolar-2." If they are strong, it is said to be "bipolar-1." 



> so i understand that he has trouble communicating


Perhaps so. Generally, however, a bipolar-1 sufferer's problem is not a _lack of communication skills_ but, rather, _emotional instability_.



> Every time we have a disagreement, if I voice my opinion, it always leads to me crying, and everything being my fault! ...It's not just arguments, sometimes he breaks things....sometimes it feels like emotional abuse.


These behaviors sound closer to the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) than to those for bipolar-1. I mention this because a recent large-scale study of bipolar-1 sufferers found that 35% of them also suffer from co-occurring, full-blown BPD. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP. This is an important distinction because, whereas bipolar usually can be treated quite successfully by simply swallowing a pill, BPD is a thought disorder that is very difficult to treat because meds won't make a dent in it.

I therefore suggest you read my post describing the major differences I've seen between the behaviors of bipolar-1 sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and BPDers (e.g., my exW) at 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences. If most of those BPD symptoms sound very familiar, I would suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with.

I also would suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs and my more detailed description of them at my posts in Maybe's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Dixie.


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## farsyt (Jun 1, 2015)

dixie comfort said:


> We have been married for 15 years. My husband is Bipolar and manic depressive, so i understand that he has trouble communicating, but sometimes it's just so frustrating. Everytime we have a disagreement, if I voice my opionion, it always leads to me crying, and everything being my fault! I still love him, but sometimes feel overwhelmed. I don't want to end up resenting him, or gettin a divorce, but something's gotta give. It's not just arguments, sometimes he breaks things.(That's where the manic depression comes from. moments of mania.) He has never hit me or anything, but sometimes it feels like emotional abuse. Also, we have a twelve year old child involved. I just don't know what to do anymore!


I'm in the same boat. 12 years married. 11 year old girl. Bipolar husband with genius IQ who refuses help. 
Everything you say....But he has hit me.

I am broken too. Have no clue what to do. I don't want to divorce. I would love my husband to humble himself and get help. He did promise he would try and talk to someone but instead he's just giving up now. 

I am bipolar too but I have received the help to make my life and myself easier to handle. I'm a massive softie and will always go out my way to make other comfortable.
My husband is an exceptional person capable of so much good. I know what he is worthy of and I simply cannot understand why he thinks this is not a problem.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

farsyt said:


> I am bipolar too but I have received the help to make my life and myself easier to handle.


Farsyt, like you, most bipolar sufferers do not exhibit the physical abuse and strong verbal abuse you refer to. 



> I'm in the same boat.... Bipolar husband with genius IQ who.... has hit me.


Farsyt, I suggest that you familiarize yourself with the warning signs for BPD to see if most sound very familiar. One reason for learning how to spot these red flags is that 36% of bipolar-1 suffers have co-occurring BPD (see Table 3 at *2008 Study in JCP*). Another reason is that the _physical_ abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. 

One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at *50% of Batterers are BPDers*. Similarly, a *2008 study* and a *2012 study* find a strong association between violence and BPD. 



> My husband is an exceptional person capable of so much good.


Likewise, most bipolar sufferers and BPDers are capable of much good. With regard to bipolar, most sufferers are able to successfully manage the mood swings with medication. With regard to BPD, meds won't make a dent but the vast majority of BPDers are high functioning. This means they generally interact well with business associates, casual friends, and strangers. 

The reason is that none of those folks pose a threat to a BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment (from intimacy). It therefore is common to see a HF BPDer be compassionate and caring all day long at a demanding job and then go home at night to abuse the very people who love him (i.e., those posing a threat to the two fears).



> I simply cannot understand why he thinks this is not a problem.


Bipolar suffers generally recognize they have a problem. Granted, this recognition will evaporate when they are in a manic state. Yet, when the depression returns, they generally will be aware of having a problem.

BPDers, on the other hand, generally have a vague awareness of being empty inside but they lack the self awareness needed to realize they have a disorder. This is why BPD is said to be "ego-syntonic," which means the thought distortions are such a familiar way of thinking (since early childhood) that the BPDer cannot see these distortions. At a conscious level, then, BPDers usually truly believe that their partners are the source of all their problems. 

There are many other differences between the red flags for bipolar and those for BPD. If you're interested, Farsyt, you may want to take a look at my list of *12 Bipolar/BPD Differences*.


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