# House sale = demise of marriage



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Not sure what to do. Inspection report came back, mostly cosmetic, but to the tune of 7800 worth of repairs (more like upgrades)... Anywho, I'm fine with coming back with final offer to credit up to $1300 in repairs.. which would affect our profit and we might bring home $2500 with that offer. H is furious and thinks that we need to wait. IN THIS MARKET AND IN OUR PREDICAMENT (moving out of state in one week)???? If we have to back out of sale or we lose it because we refuse to do anything, what then? We continue to pay holding costs for several months waiting on another offer and it took a month to get this offer. Same difference if it sits for two months (1300 in interest/escrow) either with no offers or another pending offer!!!

I don't get what he is so pissed about?! The mortgage is in my name only.. isn't this my decision ultimately? And the offer pays off the mortgage with a couple grand in our pocket... WTF am I missing???


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

He's pissed off because he's afraid of the unknowns and doesn't know how to process it. Anger is an emotion he's familiar with.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

He is aware the "next" offer will come with a similar inspection report and price tag, right?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

A Bit Much said:


> He's pissed off because he's afraid of the unknowns and doesn't know how to process it. Anger is an emotion he's familiar with.


I know you're right but I feel like I'm going crazy... And when this argument started last night it really didn't occur to me that this loan is in my name... I only want to pay it off .if we get a few bucks, great! Just not required. I just want to be done with it... 

He just sent me a text telling me he guesses he needs to be okay with it.. selling this house was the biggest unknown, damned if I'm going to let a thousand or so bucks get in the way  even with our counter, still no guarantee anyway that they'll accept. 

I just feel like this was one of the most selfish arguments we've had... If he let's go of the argument now.. do I let it go too and just remember he's under stress with all this too?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

could you rent it?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> If he let's go of the argument now.. do I let it go too and just remember he's under stress with all this too?


To keep the peace? Yes, let it go. There's a lot going on with you guys... the house, the move, you not working, him taking care of everyone financially. It's a lot to deal with. He's under pressure that's new to him. I'm not saying it's okay to blow his stack, but again, it's what he's familiar with when it comes to dealing with problems.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

chillymorn said:


> could you rent it?


We've thought about that and we just don't know if it would be feasible, but really if this buyer doesn't accept this counter on the repairs, that is one thing we'll revisit.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

CharlieParker said:


> He is aware the "next" offer will come with a similar inspection report and price tag, right?


Not only that but this buyer didn't ask for any seller closing contributions, which can be a big $ amount  our realtor recognizes this valuable little incentive for us to bend a little on these repair costs.

He accuses me of not even considering his position, not letting him be a part of family decisions?? WTF does that mean? He didn't want to offer anything towards repairs and I wanted to go with our top number... I compromised with 1300, and not the 2500 I originally suggested.. so he's still pissed? 

What a fvcked up day. At least the weather is nice.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Selling a home is a stressful time for everyone. You are no different than any other couple. 

Sounds like after thinking about it, he is OK with the counter offer. I think he deserves your forgiveness on this one.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

negotiate.....a bird in hand.....


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> negotiate.....a bird in hand.....


Negotiate? They asked for 7800 in repairs initially.. came down to 5000 and I've offered 1300. I think that's fair..


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## Jason439 (Jul 16, 2012)

Sometimes the first offer is the best offer. In the scheme of things, a couple thousand on a real estate deal is a very minor amount.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Don't start thinking like "it's in my name" and "it's my decision". You guys are a team. Selling a house is always stressful, but you can get through it. Together.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Don't start thinking like "it's in my name" and "it's my decision". You guys are a team. Selling a house is always stressful, but you can get through it. Together.


But when we're faced with a foreclosure that will affect my credit, or settling on an offer that will not pay loan off? How can I not mention that or use it in the ultimate decision when we're squabbling over a few bucks that would prevent any credit problems for me?

ETA: the main thing is to get rid of this house.. we can start saving if we don't get the cushion we were expecting.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You have to appeal to him without resorting to the "it's in my name so I'm going to do what I want" attitude. Believe me, I know it's hard. Everything we own (of significance) is in my name. And it's hard not to enforce "my rule". But everytime I've done it it's led to resentment and bad juju, and I've regretted it.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

"Moving out of the state in one week."

I'd be all over this offer. You don't want to be dealing with this crap for too many more months...long distance.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You have to appeal to him without resorting to the "it's in my name so I'm going to do what I want" attitude. Believe me, I know it's hard. Everything we own (of significance) is in my name. And it's hard not to enforce "my rule". But everytime I've done it it's led to resentment and bad juju, and I've regretted it.


I agree. 

But in this case I'd be inclined to say, just sell it and fix the juju after the move.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Cherry said:


> Not sure what to do. Inspection report came back, mostly cosmetic, but to the tune of 7800 worth of repairs (more like upgrades)... Anywho, I'm fine with coming back with final offer to credit up to $1300 in repairs.. which would affect our profit and we might bring home $2500 with that offer. H is furious and thinks that we need to wait. IN THIS MARKET AND IN OUR PREDICAMENT (moving out of state in one week)???? If we have to back out of sale or we lose it because we refuse to do anything, what then? We continue to pay holding costs for several months waiting on another offer and it took a month to get this offer. Same difference if it sits for two months (1300 in interest/escrow) either with no offers or another pending offer!!!
> 
> *I don't get what he is so pissed about?! The mortgage is in my name only.. isn't this my decision ultimately? * And the offer pays off the mortgage with a couple grand in our pocket... WTF am I missing???


I'm going to guess about something so if I'm wrong I apologize. Have you, in your discussions about this decision, said these same things to him? He's your husband right? Isn't he the only bread winner right now? I'd be pissed off about that attitude as well and would be VERY resistant to your ideas about it if you took that attitude with me if I were the H in this situation.

If you're married, it's BOTH of your decisions, just like the paycheck he earns right now supports the family in full, you equally to him...so does the house. It's in your name only to the bank. If its in your name only in YOUR mind, then there are other issues here.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You have to appeal to him without resorting to the "it's in my name so I'm going to do what I want" attitude. Believe me, I know it's hard. Everything we own (of significance) is in my name. And it's hard not to enforce "my rule". But everytime I've done it it's led to resentment and bad juju, and I've regretted it.


I'm his wife, he should care about my concerns... What is his concern? That we're settling? That we aren't going to get that extra few grand? If we don't work something out on this, as of Oct. 1, we will be two months late, we ain't got the money for that.. its going to start affecting my credit now  and the interest will start eating away at that money we are squabbling over anyway. 

I guess I just don't understand how he can't see how this is affecting me on a personal level so much more.. I think I'm entitled to think singular for a minute on this. And the facts are with this situation, a $130K transaction directly affecting my credit potentially falling through the cracks over $1300. There is nothing we need that money for, nothing. So why the obsession over this? Ugh.. I'm just aggravated right this minute, I want to fvcking scream.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I don't disagree with you. I just think you need to approach it very carefully. Don't panic yet


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Try to put aside your frustration, and think of the outcome that you desire. You will be more persuasive if you say that this will hurt OUR credit rating. You want your husband to see your point of view, so calmly discuss numbers with him. Emphasize that you both need to agree on this for the good of family finances. Acknowledge his feelings first, and then lay out the scenario of what will happen if this offer is rejected.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

We moved states with our house still on the market. It added so much stress to the move I wish it didn't have to happen. It also meant having other people look after the house, having family members hire others for repairs, needing someone to mow the lawn, etc. etc. etc. I hope you can convince him it's worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I'm going to guess about something so if I'm wrong I apologize. Have you, in your discussions about this decision, said these same things to him? He's your husband right? Isn't he the only bread winner right now? I'd be pissed off about that attitude as well and would be VERY resistant to your ideas about it if you took that attitude with me if I were the H in this situation.
> 
> If you're married, it's BOTH of your decisions, just like the paycheck he earns right now supports the family in full, you equally to him...so does the house. It's in your name only to the bank. If its in your name only in YOUR mind, then there are other issues here.


We started off discussing this rationally... We got stuck on the cost of the washer dryer that we are throwing in. He seems to think that since we came off the original list price and threw in the wd prior to home inspection, that all negotiations are over. With his attitude, we will lose the sale and if it only takes 1300 to close the deal, what is the problem. Things blew up and I pulled the ownership card. We weren't getting anywhere.. he wanted to offer nothing. I did not. I met half way and he is still pissed. I don't know how else this would be resolved, we offer nothing and the deal falls through... Now my credit is fvcked. What else is there.. oh yeah, he's not affected one bit.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Do I think your Husband is wrong...Yes. In this market if you can walk away from a house with ANY profit, you should count that as a win. So in the grand scheme of it, you really do need to take the offer. Finding buyers is hard, especially if you're making a profit.

That said, how you two are communicating is very rough. Saying it's not affecting him is inaccurate, what affects one of you affects the other.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Dad&Hubby said:


> That said, how you two are communicating is very rough. Saying it's not affecting him is inaccurate, what affects one of you affects the other.


I will agree.. but does it matter that all night I didn't mention home ownership and he was still stuck on not compromising this morning so I went ahead and responded to the realtor and he just keeps telling me I didn't consider him at all.... What is he talking about, I was simply not going to not make a reasonable counter, that just wasn't going to happen. I am not sure what else there was to consider at that point. I couldn't agree with him on this.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

1. The offer is good enough to take. He was hoping for more so is very disappointed. Many people just scrape by and the only time they see a sizable chunk of cash is when they sell property. But this isn't 2004 and property doesn't automatically appreciate anymore. 

2. Your credit rating but he's supporting things financially? I'd tread REALLY lightly on this one. He's been keeping your credit rating out of the toilet by pulling down a salary. That shouldn't be dismissed.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It sounds to me like your H is trying to take control of a transaction that he knows nothing about. Has he ever bought and sold a property? Anybody who has sold a property in today’s market knows you make the deal if it’s close to what you want. The costs of losing the buyer could be very big. Your H seems to be crazily penny pinching.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

VermisciousKnid said:


> 1. The offer is good enough to take. He was hoping for more so is very disappointed. Many people just scrape by and the only time they see a sizable chunk of cash is when they sell property. But this isn't 2004 and property doesn't automatically appreciate anymore.
> 
> 2. Your credit rating but he's supporting things financially? I'd tread REALLY lightly on this one. He's been keeping your credit rating out of the toilet by pulling down a salary. That shouldn't be dismissed.


I suppose some more background... We destroyed my credit by maxing it out while I was working.. everything was in my name, his credit was horrible. we were getting choked from wreckless spending... I filed individual bankruptcy, but had to dismiss due to job situation.. During our marriage, he built his credit up... He has good credit now, and I have a dismissed bankruptcy... I really don't want a foreclosure. This mortgage is all I have left that I can successfully close and keep some dignity about me  it is what it is.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

He's angry you disagree with his decision making. That's all this is. You questioned it and did something else, something he didn't want to do (no matter how much sense it makes).


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Unless you are prepared to lose the sale...(which is perfectly fine)... consider that the $1300 may be turned down. If that thought scares you - Offer $3000 or just take the 5 and run. If they have moved from $7500 to $5000 it may be too low.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

anotherguy said:


> Unless you are prepared to lose the sale...(which is perfectly fine)... consider that the $1300 may be turned down. If that thought scares you - Offer $3000 or just take the 5 and run. If they have moved from $7500 to $5000 it may be too low.


$5000 would leave us with a deficiency. I might consider renting or leaving it on the market another month if they walk.. we did have interest, just no offers.. this offer was at 30 days.

See that's a real concern, them not accepting what we offered anyway, not whether or not we should've done it to begin with... Im already stressing that I might have to deal with the property not selling anyway... Without dealing with H making me feel I'm horrible for doing it.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Soooo... All's well that ends well .. we are on the same page with the house sale now. 

Not sure if buyers will go for our counter.. should know within a few days.

Quick question, if anyone knows anything about inspections and renegotiation. The biggest request is for a retaining wall that was not indicated in any official inspection report for structural, safety or health reasons as needing replaced. They noted it was not the best material and basically only has at most 4 years of life. If we were to replace it ourselves should it fail, we would put in the same railroad ties to the tune of about $500, and get 10 more years of useful life. The buyers have asked for $3600. 

I have two theories.. they're trying to kill the deal or they're just asking for the fvck of it... Either way, I guess we'll know soon. Just hate that a retaining wall that was in clear view during their two hour house showings and is not actually NEEDING replaced could kill the deal now that we've been tied up with this for 20 valuable days


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I have nothing to add that others haven't already said. I was where you are 2 years ago. My husband wanted to let the buyers go and I was able to talk some sense into him. We couldn't afford that house and while we were in no danger of foreclosure it was either sell or or continue to have our value drop.

Within a few months of closing the value of our house dropped another $30K due to more foreclosures in the neighborhood. We got out in just the nick of time.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Soooo... All's well that ends well .. we are on the same page with the house sale now.
> 
> Not sure if buyers will go for our counter.. should know within a few days.
> 
> ...


How tall and long is the wall? And how old? Where is it located? True railroad ties last a LONG time.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

VermisciousKnid said:


> How tall and long is the wall? And how old? Where is it located? True railroad ties last a LONG time.


It's about 30 ft long and 3 1/2 ft tall.. it is 6 years old and yes, there are a few places rotted, but it is not in danger of failing. It is about 4 ft away from the backside of house.. it is supporting a sloped yard so it is not the BEST material, but it works right now and for at least another 4 years


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sometimes it's the lender driving the demands. If the appraisal makes the loan percentages tight then they may not want to close with structural problems. My first house purchase, the lender made demands and I ended up doing the fixed myself because the seller was out of state and I wanted to close.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Sometimes it's the lender driving the demands. If the appraisal makes the loan percentages tight then they may not want to close with structural problems. My first house purchase, the lender made demands and I ended up doing the fixed myself because the seller was out of state and I wanted to close.


They're asking for cash at close though. Our realtor indicated the appraisal wasn't an issue either.. maybe a first timer with crazy demands on a 1958 property that is otherwise in properly updated and upgraded condition throughout. I would say the house is well above average compared to the comps, and its been reflected in the feedback.. I think just the fact that it is 1958, has some custom touches built in (never thought we were leaving), and in a questionable area (transitional either good or bad, hard to say) is a hard sell.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

.....retaining wall is probably not considered an essential item for house to pass for the lender's ok.......and the counter offer by the buyers is probably them trying to get the best deal possible to help with their closing costs.

Your realtor should be able to cover all of this stuff, or are you not using one?

....and on last house, I polished the deal by throwing in a lawnmower.....couldn't officially put it on the counteroffer, but had a side deal, and that clenched it....


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

oneMOreguy said:


> .....retaining wall is probably not considered an essential item for house to pass for the lender's ok.......and the counter offer by the buyers is probably them trying to get the best deal possible to help with their closing costs.
> 
> Your realtor should be able to cover all of this stuff, or are you not using one?


We are, he's doing the communicating.. just anxious about what their response will be.. patience, I know.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Cherry said:


> We are, he's doing the communicating.. just anxious about what their response will be.. patience, I know.


...yea, the current house market does just plain suck right now for sellers.......but unless you have someone local to keep tabs on the house, renting it out may bring much more grief than its worth. Sometimes just getting out from under the house is the best plan. You can't really look back....just look at what is best for you from the current point forward. Your past payments and home improvements cannot play into your decisions on what is best now. Good luck with the deal.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Just get out from under the house.

Seems best for everyone in the long-run.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Cherry said:


> They're asking for cash at close though. Our realtor indicated the appraisal wasn't an issue either.. maybe a first timer with crazy demands on a 1958 property that is otherwise in properly updated and upgraded condition throughout. I would say the house is well above average compared to the comps, and its been reflected in the feedback.. I think just the fact that it is 1958, has some custom touches built in (never thought we were leaving), and in a questionable area (transitional either good or bad, hard to say) is a hard sell.


First of all, them asking for cash at closing is probably getting into loan fraud territory. Few lenders will allow this, especially since the housing bust. If your Realtor is worth his/her salt, they should be aware of this and can use that in looking out for your best interests. If this is the case, your agent can insist on doing an amendment to the contract, which must go to the lenders. (The inspection report negotiations often don't have to.) If it's part of the contract, the lender is likely to say "HELL NO!" and not allow it, which puts the responsibility back onto the buyers. Lenders know that buyers tend to spend the money on other stuff and leave the house with problems. They would insist on the money being escrowed if they do allow it. If it goes into escrow, you can include a clause that requires the money get returned to you if it's not spent on legitimate repairs within a certain time limit. 

If you have a full service listing with it, where you're paying a full commission, your agent has a legal "fiduciary" duty to work on YOUR best interests, not their own interest in getting a sale. Feel free to print this and discuss it with your agent and/or his or her broker.

I got out of real estate in 2010, and worked in it for about seven years before that. Both you and your husband have valid concerns. I'd have a bunch of questions for you, like how long you've owned the house, how many views you've had compared to offers, how long it has been on the market, what the average days on market is for your area, and what the average closing price to asking price is for your area. I'd also want to know exactly how close to foreclosure you are and what your lender is like when it comes to short sales if the worst case scenario happens. 

Obviously, that's probably too much detail to get into on here, but your Realtor has a responsibility to weigh out this kind of stuff and provide you adequate guidance so you and your husband aren't left negotiating in the dark, as it sounds like you're doing. 

If the buyers do not agree to take your counter, and you are truly desperate to make the sale, consider the possibility of bringing some money to the closing table. You're better off having to pay off a $1,500 personal loan over the next year than to end up with a foreclosure on an already scarred credit report. 
This is called a bridge loan.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Thank you for the info Kathy. The buyers agent said "5000 at closing", not sure if that means cash or not, but that's how I read it. 

This was the first offer we had in the first 30 days . Showings averaged 3-4 a week up until we got under contract. The biggest drawback is the neighborhood... And during our showing, our neighbors hadn't cut their grass in a few months and they have a nasty chewed up couch right off their back porch and within clear view of our yard, it looks like they dumped their trash in their backyard  Another drawback is the custom master bath, and tile in the master bedroom.. it could be considered rustic / southwest.

I think our price point is on target and I do think if this deal falls through, we will have more interest as we will be out of the house...and perhaps potential buyers can get a better feel for the house without our personal affects laying around and our neighbors mowed their lawn.. hopefully they'll do something about that couch too. 

Thanks again for your thoughts!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

If the inspection report came back so high with what was primarily cosmetic upgrades, and the buyer expected a high percentage to be done, or paid at time of closing, then that is enough to make some people really upset - until they have time to get over the surprise and naive assumptions of the buyer. Hopefully, he'll calm down as he puts it into perspective, and agree with your point of view. I'm going through a similar thing. I factored in a number of cosmetic blemishes in my initial selling price, and even offered to give the realtor a short list of things that we would provide discounts for at closing. My relo company already did an inspection that revealed thousands of dollars in repairs that were not found by my inspector when I bought it. I told the realtor that if someone came back with the expection that all were done, or price reduction for things over and above the factors that led to our price, tell them to walk. I have the advantage, though, of an employer who will buy the home after 90 days, and reimburse for any potential losses.

Of course, if we were still living in the same housing market we lived in when we bought our home, we would have made a lot of money on the home. As it is, my goal is to just make a little, based on the hundreds of new homes still being built in my suburb.

For the home we are buying as part of our move, I found an inspector that also does inspections for relocation companies, and asked him to apply similar standards. He came back with a 30 page report. The realtor said that the sellers were initially startled, until we identified a small list of issues that really needed to be addressed. We were getting a great deal on the home, so I just wanted the extensive inspection for a small list of code violations they may need to address, but primarily for a list of things that I would need to address as an owner.

I think that if you accept your husband's response as more of a surprise, while encouraging him to get past that stage, he should be able to help you come up with a strategy to possibly save this deal.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Cherry said:


> Thank you for the info Kathy. The buyers agent said "5000 at closing", not sure if that means cash or not, but that's how I read it.
> 
> This was the first offer we had in the first 30 days . Showings averaged 3-4 a week up until we got under contract. The biggest drawback is the neighborhood... And during our showing, our neighbors hadn't cut their grass in a few months and they have a nasty chewed up couch right off their back porch and within clear view of our yard, it looks like they dumped their trash in their backyard  Another drawback is the custom master bath, and tile in the master bedroom.. it could be considered rustic / southwest.
> 
> ...



If you've received an offer in 30 days and averaged that many showings, I would say you're right on target for price and would be able to find another buyer, but there aren't any guarantees. As you said, it could take a few months and then you've got the costs of carrying the mortgage.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Assuming it would take 2 months to sell, whate is the total carrying cost for 2 months? That's the max concession you offer. If the mortgage taxes and ins is 1200 a month then give them 2400 to close.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Assuming it would take 2 months to sell, whate is the total carrying cost for 2 months? That's the max concession you offer. If the mortgage taxes and ins is 1200 a month then give them 2400 to close.


We agreed to almost a 5K price reduction in the initial negotiations, and we're paying off the w/d at close to the tune of 1165. So with me offering an additional 1300 at closing, I've essentially agreed to a nearly $7500 in cost savings to them.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Cherry said:


> We agreed to almost a 5K price reduction in the initial negotiations, and we're paying off the w/d at close to the tune of 1165. So with me offering an additional 1300 at closing, I've essentially agreed to a nearly $7500 in cost savings to them.


kiddo....what's important is getting your life back on the path you want.....sometimes we take a step backwards or sideways to do that......always keep looking ahead. The housing market is what it is......I try not to think about what I have lost in the past few years in the stock market......I pay attention to trying to do ok in the future starting from right now....be good and take care.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Been in the real estate field for 28 years-----
for the most part: every buyer feels that are paying too much and every seller feels they are "giving it away" normally we just hope we can make it "okay" for both sides
negotiations are a normal part of a sales process.
Good luck!


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Does it matter that neighbors cleaned up their yard?? Yay anyway!


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