# That worries me



## Koko1984 (Feb 23, 2018)

Hello ppl on the forum.hope all are in good health.
i am 28yr old female and just got recently engaged .i have got to know my fiance through lot of people and he is a really nice guy.always tries to keep me happy and makes me smile.feel comfortable in talking to him about EVERYTHING.soon we will be getting married.The only thing that worries me is moving in with him as he owns a really small place and i have not lived in a small home before .he says its only temporary and soo we will move out but for some time i have to live in that.i am just worried that i hope i can fit into his lifestyle.should this really bother me as he is an amazing person and does everything to keep me happy


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

If a person really loves someone a shoebox for a home should not be a problem. Are you marrying the person for who he is or for a home? Think about it.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

In short, 

My wife and I have lived in everything from tiny to palatial.


All that mattered was who we were sharing the space with.

I know he says this is temporary, and I’m sure he’s driven to please you, but don’t push the next move too fast—better to build that financial nest egg first than to incur debt early in the marriage.

If the love is there, “small” becomes “cozy.”


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Define "small". 

When my wife and I first married, we lived in a place about the size of an average garage. We now have a pretty big place (5 bedrooms, for instance), but sometimes I feel like it's that much more to take care of and that "garage" we lived in starts sounding pretty good.


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## Koko1984 (Feb 23, 2018)

GTdad said:


> Define "small".
> 
> When my wife and I first married, we lived in a place about the size of an average garage. We now have a pretty big place (5 bedrooms, for instance), but sometimes I feel like it's that much more to take care of and that "garage" we lived in starts sounding pretty good.



Small means i also have to live with his mother along side so yes 3 ppl in a small house.worries me only with the fact that i hope i can fit in


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

When I got married, we first lived in a small apartment, had no furniture of our own, and drove a stick-shift truck that my XWW simply could not master. It was the best time of our marriage.

When I got divorced 30 years later, we lived in a 4k sq ft (6 br/4 bath) home on 10 acres, privately gated road, pool, etc. with a new truck and three cars. I had been unhappy for years.

When you are married, enjoy and honor your husband. As long as you have a safe roof over your head and you are happy, that is what matters. Believe me. Bigger and more expensive will not give you a happy marriage. And from what you say it won't be forever. Building a life from scratch is the fun part.


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## Koko1984 (Feb 23, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> If a person really loves someone a shoebox for a home should not be a problem. Are you marrying the person for who he is or for a home? Think about it.


We love each other a lot and marriage is like a very important step in life for both of us..i m willing to compromise as much as i can.i guess it just the pre marriage vibes u get?


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Koko1984 said:


> Small means i also have to live with his mother along side so yes 3 ppl in a small house.


I have to admit, I wouldn't be crazy about that arrangement myself. Is his mother going to be living with you long-term, as far as you know?


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## Koko1984 (Feb 23, 2018)

GTdad said:


> Koko1984 said:
> 
> 
> > Small means i also have to live with his mother along side so yes 3 ppl in a small house.
> ...


Yes she will be living with us long-term.which also worries me partly but more is that i will be moving from a very big home to small apartment.i wish i could make enough so we can rent a more spacious place soon


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Koko1984 said:


> GTdad said:
> 
> 
> > Define "small".
> ...


Do you currently live with your parents, alone or with roommates?

I think you are right to question this arrangement now. Sounds like you are worried about being a third wheel and no amount of addditional space will change that. His idea of temporary could much different than yours and resentment could grow quickly. 

I would suggest maybe talking about your fears with his mother as well as him. MIL/DIL dynamics can be tricky even if you don’t live together.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Koko1984 said:


> Small means i also have to live with his mother along side so yes 3 ppl in a small house.worries me only with the fact that i hope i can fit in


It appears mom is the issue. Not size of the living quarters. Correct?


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## Koko1984 (Feb 23, 2018)

Bluesclues said:


> Koko1984 said:
> 
> 
> > GTdad said:
> ...



I live with mt parents right now.and to be honest i do get along with his mother till now.i respect her a lot.i know MIL/DIL dynamic is really tricky thats why worried that i hope small places does not make me or her uncomfortable as i will b the one coming to live with them. I hope it soes not effects our relationship.i love him a lot cant imagine to loose him


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## Koko1984 (Feb 23, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> Koko1984 said:
> 
> 
> > Small means i also have to live with his mother along side so yes 3 ppl in a small house.worries me only with the fact that i hope i can fit in
> ...


I guess both.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its important to be honest with yourself about what you want out of life. If you want the sort of lifestyle that you cannot have with this man given his likely career options, then you should not marry him. If the small house is just temporary, then put up with it until you can find somethign better.


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## Koko1984 (Feb 23, 2018)

uhtred said:


> Its important to be honest with yourself about what you want out of life. If you want the sort of lifestyle that you cannot have with this man given his likely career options, then you should not marry him. If the small house is just temporary, then put up with it until you can find somethign better.


I guess i will have to work to have my lifestyle which i wont mind doing m sure that could solve a lot of problems


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

The size of the apartment isn’t really the issue here. The real issue is the MIL living with you, now and presumably for the long haul.

You could squeeze into a jail cell and probably be happy if it was just the two of you, but MIL in tow adds a whole ‘nother layer of complexity and potential drama.

Why does she have to live with you? Is she sick? Poor? Is husband-to-be afraid to cut the apron strings — a momma’s boy?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Is MIL in her own room? I don't see the size of the place as being a problem by itself. It's a more important issue of the relationship between you and MIL. Also, what about intimacy? Sometimes people will be reluctant to be intimate in such conditions. If so, that is a problem since lack of intimacy often leads to major issues.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Koko1984 said:


> Small means i also have to live with his mother along side so yes 3 ppl in a small house.worries me only with the fact that i hope i can fit in


No, Hell No. 
Just don't.
Seriously.


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## Koko1984 (Feb 23, 2018)

wilson said:


> Is MIL in her own room? I don't see the size of the place as being a problem by itself. It's a more important issue of the relationship between you and MIL. Also, what about intimacy? Sometimes people will be reluctant to be intimate in such conditions. If so, that is a problem since lack of intimacy often leads to major issues.


Yes she has her own room and also she works so financially she does not need her son till now.


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## Koko1984 (Feb 23, 2018)

happy as a clam said:


> The size of the apartment isn’t really the issue here. The real issue is the MIL living with you, now and presumably for the long haul.
> 
> You could squeeze into a jail cell and probably be happy if it was just the two of you, but MIL in tow adds a whole ‘nother layer of complexity and potential drama.
> Why does she have to live with you? Is she sick? Poor? Is husband-to-be afraid to cut the apron strings — a momma’s boy?



I guess because she is alone and he does it out of respect for his mother. But she earns her own living. So she is not financially dependant on her son.


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## Koko1984 (Feb 23, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> Koko1984 said:
> 
> 
> > Small means i also have to live with his mother along side so yes 3 ppl in a small house.worries me only with the fact that i hope i can fit in
> ...


What about even if we both love each other a lot ?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Koko1984 said:


> Small means i also have to live with his mother along side so yes 3 ppl in a small house.worries me only with the fact that i hope i can fit in


The presence of mom changes this a lot. The size of the dwelling is hardly important relative to the presence of a third party. That is a really tough way to start a marriage. This has the potential to add all kind of stresses a new marriage should not have to deal with.

Currently, there's another thread going about a man who can't have sex with his wife with his parents in the house. That's just one of the potential problems--you two need to be free to run around the house naked and grab each other whenever and wherever the mood strikes you. 

Then there's the whole mother-in-law/daughter-in-law dynamic, which can be next to impossible under the best of circumstances. Under the same roof? Definitely not good. 

Have you considered not actually getting married until the point at which you could have your own place? You said he told you it wouldn't be long--how long? and can you wait to get married until then?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Having MIL living with you should be a MUCH bigger concern than the size of the apartment. Getting along well with her is very, very different than living with her.

That aside, the first year of marriage, while being great, is also a very stressful period of adjustment. You will be living together for the first time, and for you, it will also be the first time that you are living outside of your parents' home (I assume). This is a time where you are learning to live together, and basically setting a blueprint for your home and household for years to come. The patterns and routines that you establish in this first year will set the tone for your future. You also need a lot of time together, ALONE. This is essential for bonding via emotional and physical intimacy. Having a third member of the household will severely limit your ability to do so. As newlyweds, if you want to have sex on the couch of the dining table, you need to be able to do that. If you want to walk around your home naked, you deserve to have the freedom to do that. If you want to have loud, noisy, monkey sex, you need to be able to do that without worrying that his mother will hear.

If you say, and if your fiance says, we can do that all when we get our own place, you won't. Because what happens in the first year of your marriage sets the tone for later. If you start out having quiet, reserved sex only in the bedroom because you're living with your MIL, it's likely going to stay the same later.

Sex aside, having your MIL in the house will be like having three people in your marriage. During the first year, you are learning how to make decisions together and how to work as a team. With his MIL living with you, not every decision but _most_ decisions will involve all three of you. Even when a decision should just be between you and your husband, your MIL will likely be involved in some way; you'll have to take her feelings into account or how a decision will affect her, or she may try to influence the outcome or make it her business, even when it isn't. I've read a LOT of threads on TAM where the wife is unhappy because the husband is a mama's boy, the husband constantly prioritizes the MIL's needs or wants over the wife, or he refuses to stand up for his wife when there is a clash. 

I have serious reservations that this will be a problem for you. You say that his mother isn't financially dependent on your fiance, and that he lives with her "out of respect" for his mother. You don't have to live with your mother to respect her. But you and he need your own space, and he doesn't seem to see that as a priority. This is very troubling, because it appears that he is setting a precedent of prioritizing his mother's needs (that aren't really needs) over that of his future wife.

And finally, moving into a partner's home--rather than moving into a place that is new to both of you--can be challenging in its own right, because that is _their _home. It takes a long time for it to feel like _your_ home. With your MIL there, it may never feel like your home, because it was her home first.

You need to draw a line here, or I foresee you being railroaded on a lot of things in your marriage. I suggest you make the living situation non-negotiable, and that you delay marrying until the housing situation is sorted--either you find a new place for you and your fiance and MIL stays in the current place, or he finds a new place for MIL. If it means that you need to work/get a job, then do it. (Why is it that you aren't working, and are still living at home, at the age of 28?) If your fiance balks at this, know that you will always come in second place to his mother, and you might want to reconsider if this is someone you really want to marry.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Considering the thread was made in the "financial issues" section I'd say OP is more worried about the size of the apartment rather than her MIL, which is more of a problem, and now everyone has just given her the "MIL excuse" as a shield to hide her real issues in regards to the living standards.

Could be wrong, just saying...


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Most people will frown on the fact of you living with your MiL and
rightfully so. Maybe the size of where you will

be living is an issue for you because.... your MiL will be living there too. Makes sense....

In my case, I was extremely lucky. I grew up hearing and seeing (relatives, friends, tv shows) 

the MiL as a battle axe for the man and sometimes, the woman too. When I met my XW, she was 32, 

I was 25. Her mom was living with her and at that time,
we were just dating so.... no worries. 

When it came time to progress the relationship, it became an issue.
I was edgy at first... but I had gotten 

to know my MiL over the last two years and thought, maybe it's worth a shot.

Well.... she became my "2nd mom" and we got along fantastic. There were times

I got along more with her than her daughter LOL
I used to joke to my BiL 

"I made the wrong choice, I shoulda M your mom" I knew her for ten years.....her death stung me bad.

So... it can work out, it did with me. But examples such as mine are few and far between.

The girl I had dated before I met my XW, her mom was a battle axe of legendary proportion. 

I would have NEVER lived under same roof as her.

Try it..... but try it BEFORE you get M. That way....if it ends up being a disaster

waiting to happen, you can re-asses the situation. But if you already know it will be 

an issue, sit him down and voice your concerns. He should listen to your worries "out of respect"


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> Considering the thread was made in the "financial issues" section I'd say OP is more worried about the size of the apartment rather than her MIL, which is more of a problem, and now everyone has just given her the "MIL excuse" as a shield to hide her real issues in regards to the living standards.
> 
> Could be wrong, just saying...


I'm getting the vibe it's a combination of the two. Being unable to afford a larger space AND having MIL there.

I love my MIL. She's fairly awesome. I don't mind living in a small space. My first place was about 500 sq ft. But my MIL and a small space? I'd have gone bonkers. I think the ability to argue and have wild monkey sex when inspired to either is crucial to a married couple's ability to adjust and bond. Constantly reining in passions because you lack privacy isn't good.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Koko1984 said:


> We love each other a lot and marriage is like a very important step in life for both of us..i m willing to compromise as much as i can.i guess it just the pre marriage vibes u get?


Not Vibes, Dear, pre-marriage Jitters!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> I'm getting the vibe it's a combination of the two. Being unable to afford a larger space AND having MIL there.
> 
> I love my MIL. She's fairly awesome. I don't mind living in a small space. My first place was about 500 sq ft. But my MIL and a small space? I'd have gone bonkers. I think the ability to argue and have wild monkey sex when inspired to either is crucial to a married couple's ability to adjust and bond. Constantly reining in passions because you lack privacy isn't good.


Yes! A newly married couple also needs the opportunity to argue without a 3rd party present, so they can learn to manage conflict together, rather than seeking an outside referee.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> Yes! A newly married couple also needs the opportunity to argue without a 3rd party present, so they can learn to manage conflict together, rather than seeking an outside referee.


My brother lived with us for a month. My husband's friend once lived with us for about 4 months. We weren't newlyweds, but damn did having other people around stifle me. Instead of grabbing DH and tearing his clothes off, I had to wait til we were in bed and refrain from being noisy. Instead of saying what I was thinking at the time, I had to edit or simply suck it up and remain silent. I was starting to feel distant and resentful during those times. I'd be insane if that was my all day, every day.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

If you love each other a lot then you should live 2 hours away from parents for the first three years. If he can't do that then he doesn't love you enough.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Is this common in your culture? Is it normal for the parents to live with their son even after he's married?


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

It looks like you don't have a lot of foresight or self-awareness.

The fact you posed this as a "small house" problem when there are far larger issues at stake makes me question your maturity. It is not only the mother-in-law living there, but the fact you can't articulate clearly why the son is living with her.

It could be financial, which means he is not a good prospect for a husband. You are 28 so he is probably of similar age, and it really begs the question why he can't afford a place of his own if it is financial.

If it is out of respect for his mother, then what about the respect for YOU? A wife rules the house, not the mother in law. And this has to be perfectly clear or you are in for a world of hurt.

There's way too much "I guess" in your answers. There should be no guesswork. It looks like you are not communicating nor planning ahead, and this is a recipe for disaster.


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