# Wife and friends night out!



## James21578

Hello everybody first post here been married for 14 years my wife likes to go out with her 3 girl friends on weekends sometimes weekdays what do you think is an accepatable time for her to come home last time she went with them she stayed out from 9:00pm to 2:00am she didnt even answer my calls on her cell phone my wife doesnt drink so I wasnt worried much about her having an accident but was I mad at her when she got home we argued I told her thats too late especially if your married makes me wonder if shes messing around does anybody think thats too late like me or Im being controlling like she says. For me 12:00am would be the latest time to come home I forgot to add that when I complain that she text her friends all the time when shes home with me she gets really defensive about it kind of makes me feel second to her friends I have to admit I wasnt a real good husband but not a real bad one either but I started to change that. I do not drink anymore I do cooking and cleaning more compliment her on her looks more celebrate special days like her birthday gonna sent her roses and her place of work and Im even selling my toy my lifted truck that I thought I would never sell just for her so she can get a car that she wants soon as my truck is sold but it hurts to have your wife love her friends more than her husband.


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## unbelievable

If I had been a hardworking, loyal, faithful husband for 14 years and I decided to go out with the guys for a few hours once in a while, it would offend me greatly if my wife pitched a fit or treated me with suspicion. If your wife wanted to mess around, she can knock boots at 2:00pm as easily as 2:00am. She has apparently chosen you every day for the past 14 years when the world was full of eager guys. She hasn't given you any real indication that she's interested in someone else, has she? Sounds like she's just blowing off a little steam. Maybe her friends drag her around precisely because she doesn't drink. Could be she's the designated driver and a sober level-head to keep the other three from getting into trouble. It is acceptable? Once in a while wouldn't be a problem for me. Every night would get tiresome.


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## James21578

The reason I get upset is she doesnt tell me after work that shes meeting her friends for dinner or she doesnt call to let me know where shes at and what time shes coming home I think when you put your friends first before your husband that makes you feel like well crap I dont stay out late till 2:00am latest would be 12:00am at my buddys house down the road I dont go out to public places till 2:00am like her. She knows where Im at I dont know where she is at.


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## COGypsy

Maybe it's just me, but I doubt I'd call first if I were going to be interrogated and given a curfew. I mean, aren't we a little old for that? I would do exactly what it sounds like she's doing and just deal with the fight when I get home rather than have it in front of my friends. I married my husband, not my dad--

What if you tried asking her just to text you when she's going out? No drama, just data? Then you know she's safe or whatever and she can go on about her night? I doubt that fundamentally you'll change her preference for going out socially or staying up late just by putting a ring on her finger. 

My husband and I are the same way. He's happy hanging out at a friend's house and I hardly see him out past 10:30 or so. I'm just hitting my groove about then and I adore restaurants and live music and any place with lots of people--basically his inner circle of hell, lol. So a night or two a week, we just each do our own thing, and it's all good. The answer just has to be to figure out what kind of boundaries or information exchange makes you both comfortable. 

And it might be a taste of her own medicine that shows her how far a little consideration at the very least can go--


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## unbelievable

If she's reluctant to tell you when and where she's going, there's probably a reason. Is it possible you made a huge deal about it before? I do get your point and it's only common courtesy to let your husband/wife know when you'll be late and how you can be reached. Maybe if you sat down with her and explained that you don't want to interfere with her fun but if she is going out, perhaps she could send you a text and you'd know not to worry. You would agree to not call her unless it was very urgent and she should agree to respond. If an emergency did occur, you currently have no way of getting in touch with her and someday it could be important.


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## James21578

This happened 4 times first time I was mad when she called I admit that because she said Ill be home by 12:00am did not come home till 2:00am second time I was more upset if it keeps happening what do you expect I go out at the latest 12:00am she knows where Im at. Her I dont know where she is if you love someone you wouldnt do that to you husband thats just me though.


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## unbelievable

The first time your wife of 14 years was 2 hours late, you pitched a hissy fit (ask any Southerner what that is). You apparently gave her a second dose the second time. Your wife was going with a group and might not have been in control of what time they left. In any case, I agree that responsible adults shouldn't make their spouses needlessly worry. On the other hand, responsible adults should be capable of being 2 hours late once in 14 years without catching a ration. This really isn't about you being worried. You stated in your first post that she doesn't drink and you weren't worried about her being in an accident. You asked what time you thought was "appropriate" for her to be home, as if she should have a curfew. You also speculated that she might be fooling around. That's not concern. That's unreasonable control and unfounded suspicion. Why do you care if she texts her friends? How many text messages, phone calls, or emails should an adult be able to make in one day? What is the hour that a 30 year old needs to be home? How many evenings is an adult allowed to be away from home in one week? Maybe you are being a little controlling and just maybe she likes to go out because she gets to be treated like an adult when she's out of the house. What are you really afraid of? I doubt she loves her friends more than you but maybe she just needs to breathe a little, to laugh a little. If she's the best thing that happened to you and you never want to lose her, tell her that, treat her with respect, and have some faith in her. She wouldn't have invested 14 years in you if she didn't love you.


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## okeydokie

sounds like she still has some immature tendencies, still wanting a little freedom and to party hardy (not thats there is anything wrong with that). i do not know how old you two are, or if you have any children. i really wouldnt care if my wife went out, but i would expect her to be sensitive to the fact that i care about her and she should expect me to want to know where she is. i would extend the same courtesy to her and she would expect it. this is part of the committment of marriage.

i love the "turn the tables" idea.


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## greeneyeddolphin

While I am big on common courtesy and respect, and I do expect my boyfriend to give me a general idea of when to expect him home and to call me if he will be later than that, I do think what you are asking of her is controlling. 

I also notice you keep pointing out that when you go out, you come home by midnight, as though she is supposed to take her cue from that and come home by midnight herself? You need to keep in mind that everyone is different, with different body clocks and schedules due to work and such. For example, my boyfriend has to get up at 3am for work, he goes to bed by about 7:30 or 8 most nights. I, however, don't have to get up until 6:30 to get the kids ready for school, so after I get the kids in bed at 9, I might go to bed or I might stay up until 10:30 or 11, or even later. We both will stay up later on weekends sometimes. But...if he didn't have to get up so early, he'd want to stay up until 2 or 3am...whereas I'd have to go to bed sooner because of the kids. So you expecting her to come home by midnight just because you do is unfair and controlling. 

Getting mad at her isn't going to make her more likely to do what you want, either. In fact, it's more likely to make her even more resistant to what you want. The better way to handle it would be to simply tell her you worry and ask her if she could call or text you to let you know she's going out, and what time she expects to be home. Then, when she does that, don't make a big deal out of it, don't get mad. Just respond with "thank you, I'll see you when you get home, I love you" and leave it at that. Give her the freedom to do what she wants, when she wants, and it's likely she won't want to do it quite as much as she does when she's feeling like she can't do it.


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## michzz

She knows exactly what she is doing. If she is not cheating she at the very least thumbing her nose at you and your worries.

Why?

You may be hovering to tightly around her and she just wants to get away from you.

She may be getting flack from her girlfriends who push her to ignore you and have some fun.

Or maybe she is using these nights out as a cover for actually conducting an affair.

See? There is a range of possibilities. Some involve your behavior, most do not.

If the routine is to always do something fun that doesn't include you every weekend evening til the wee hours, I personally would call that a problem.

Is it possible that it is this way because you never step up and suggest something fun?

Or is it because she wants to do anything else but be near you?

I'm not trying to yank your chain, just thinking out loud.

You need to talk to your wife and not in an inquisition mode.


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## tjohnson

Michzzz makes good points following his advise is a good shart. 

On some level staying out late is not so terrible especially if she is with people you know.


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## James21578

I agree that I shouldnt get mad when she gets home my bad and to let her have fun with the ladies but its like what okeydokie said she always stays out late each and every time with these friends.


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## COGypsy

I guess what isn't clear is what part of staying out late is the problem. Is it that you don't know where she is and what she's doing? Or is it that since you don't like to be out past midnight then she shouldn't be out past midnight either? Because while either could come across as somewhat controlling depending on the approach, overall one is about concern and consideration for your partner and the other is a flat-out value judgment because you're judging her behavior by your preferences. 

I think workable solutions would be based quite a bit on where the issue is stemming from....


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## heatherlindsay

I agree she should defiantly confide in you the most. ask her to be more respectful of you,and tell her she needs to start calling you. You see my husband never does that to me because we invite each other almost everywhere. has she invited you out lately?


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## ladtbug81

I have a question. How is she with others things whenit comes to time? Is she ready to leave when she say she will be? Does she show up on time to things? This can tell alot about someone.


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## MrK

I’ve been on other sites to deal with my problem and started lurking here lately. I saw this thread and had to join and put in my $.02

My wife went on a little bit of a post partem party spree at meat markets (sorry, nightclubs) after our second child was born. I hated, it, but didn't say anything. What kind of a caveman won't let his wife go out to burn off a little steam every now and then? It finally came to a head when some guy she was partying with one night called her to set up a date. I didn't have to forbid her from going out after that. We just stopped pretending that it was just a bit of innocent dancing when she went out. She stopped by herself. 

On other message boards I started threads asking if this behavior was acceptable. Many people stated up front that it was not. But some women defended their nights out at meat markets. They just want to dance. However, when I probed further, they admitted that they were not sneaky about it with their SO’s, like our wives were/are. They knew what kind of places they were going to and that their husbands/boyfriends would worry. They told them where they went and would contact them during the evening to check in. They set guidelines beforehand and discussed the evening when they got home. The ones that were sneaky admitted that their behavior was less than innocent while they were out. Some of the posters admitted to their inappropriate behavior themselves. Other posters were husbands who "caught" their (sneaky) SO's "in the act". 

The dialogue on those forums was good, but responses were slowly trickling in, so I did some research. To get some volume of advice, I did key-word searches on a few forum archives for "clubbing", "dancing", nightclubs", etc. I read literally hundreds of posts by people talking about their experiences clubbing. Let's just say it was an eye opening experience. Did my wife behave as these women did? I hope not. I hope she wasn't making out with men on the dance floor every night. Getting to third base in a corner booth with strange men. Grinding their butts into men's crotches. These behaviors almost seemed to be the rule, not the exception.

What was indisputable, I deduced from this research, was that her and her wingwoman were getting hit on ALL NIGHT. Nonstop. There is no doubt in my mind your wife is as well. Just ask her. When she denies it, you'll know it's happening. She's dancing with strange men all night, flirting with them, partying with them, getting drinks bought for her. It's the rush of all of that attention from strange men that is the thrill of these nights out. My wife is attractive. Her wingwoman is HOT. After reading all of those posts, I have no doubt men swarmed on them like white-on-rice from the time they walked in until they sucked every last drop out of their evening at 2:00 AM. Like your wife, mine never came home before the party was over. NEVER. Not ONCE!

My wife’s wingwoman is now divorced, and my wife doesn't love me. I don't know if she ever did. Both of these women had problems in their marriages. My wife’s seeking attention from other men at bars was a manifestation of that lack of love in our marriage. Your wife is not only seeking attention from other men, but when she's not doing that she's seeking attention from her girlfriends (if I were you I'd somehow check to see that it's only her gal-pals she's texting). You are third in line. You have a bigger problem than your wife staying out past “curfew”.

There is no place for bar-hopping at meat markets on a regular basis until all hours of the morning in a loving relationship. You've every right to be concerned. You have every right to ask her where she's going, when she expects to be home, and most importantly, what she does while she's there. 

And do not let people tell you that YOU are not giving her something in your relationship that would cause her to seek male attention elsewhere. ALL wayward spouses have a reason for their infidelity. But you don’t look to fix that problem outside of your marriage. You work within it.

Good luck.


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## okeydokie

MrK said:


> I’ve been on other sites to deal with my problem and started lurking here lately. I saw this thread and had to join and put in my $.02
> 
> My wife went on a little bit of a post partem party spree at meat markets (sorry, nightclubs) after our second child was born. I hated, it, but didn't say anything. What kind of a caveman won't let his wife go out to burn off a little steam every now and then? It finally came to a head when some guy she was partying with one night called her to set up a date. I didn't have to forbid her from going out after that. We just stopped pretending that it was just a bit of innocent dancing when she went out. She stopped by herself.
> 
> On other message boards I started threads asking if this behavior was acceptable. Many people stated up front that it was not. But some women defended their nights out at meat markets. They just want to dance. However, when I probed further, they admitted that they were not sneaky about it with their SO’s, like our wives were/are. They knew what kind of places they were going to and that their husbands/boyfriends would worry. They told them where they went and would contact them during the evening to check in. They set guidelines beforehand and discussed the evening when they got home. The ones that were sneaky admitted that their behavior was less than innocent while they were out. Some of the posters admitted to their inappropriate behavior themselves. Other posters were husbands who "caught" their (sneaky) SO's "in the act".
> 
> The dialogue on those forums was good, but responses were slowly trickling in, so I did some research. To get some volume of advice, I did key-word searches on a few forum archives for "clubbing", "dancing", nightclubs", etc. I read literally hundreds of posts by people talking about their experiences clubbing. Let's just say it was an eye opening experience. Did my wife behave as these women did? I hope not. I hope she wasn't making out with men on the dance floor every night. Getting to third base in a corner booth with strange men. Grinding their butts into men's crotches. These behaviors almost seemed to be the rule, not the exception.
> 
> What was indisputable, I deduced from this research, was that her and her wingwoman were getting hit on ALL NIGHT. Nonstop. There is no doubt in my mind your wife is as well. Just ask her. When she denies it, you'll know it's happening. She's dancing with strange men all night, flirting with them, partying with them, getting drinks bought for her. It's the rush of all of that attention from strange men that is the thrill of these nights out. My wife is attractive. Her wingwoman is HOT. After reading all of those posts, I have no doubt men swarmed on them like white-on-rice from the time they walked in until they sucked every last drop out of their evening at 2:00 AM. Like your wife, mine never came home before the party was over. NEVER. Not ONCE!
> 
> My wife’s wingwoman is now divorced, and my wife doesn't love me. I don't know if she ever did. Both of these women had problems in their marriages. My wife’s seeking attention from other men at bars was a manifestation of that lack of love in our marriage. Your wife is not only seeking attention from other men, but when she's not doing that she's seeking attention from her girlfriends (if I were you I'd somehow check to see that it's only her gal-pals she's texting). You are third in line. You have a bigger problem than your wife staying out past “curfew”.
> 
> There is no place for bar-hopping at meat markets on a regular basis until all hours of the morning in a loving relationship. You've every right to be concerned. You have every right to ask her where she's going, when she expects to be home, and most importantly, what she does while she's there.
> 
> And do not let people tell you that YOU are not giving her something in your relationship that would cause her to seek male attention elsewhere. ALL wayward spouses have a reason for their infidelity. But you don’t look to fix that problem outside of your marriage. You work within it.
> 
> Good luck.



great post, and i would agree with your assessment


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## turnera

First, I would snoop to see if there are any other guys involved - check her phone and computer. If not, then focus on YOU.

You have to give her a REASON to treat you the way you want to be treated. It sounds like you've had to do a lot of improving, so she's likely been resenting you for some time. Now your job is to prove to her that your changes are permanent. AND to stop acting like her dad. Curfew? Really? A married couple sits down and discusses what's acceptable to both of you, and works from there.


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## Liam_680

Its good to allow your wife to go out and spend long nights with her friends. especially that the two of you have been together for 14 years? trust should not be an issue anymore, allowing her to do this will give her something new to do in her life and there is no reason to be jealous because she comes home to you everyday and as long as there is no sign of cheating or being distant then there is nothing really that you should be worried about.


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## MrK

turnera said:


> You have to give her a REASON to treat you the way you want to be treated. It sounds like you've had to do a lot of improving, so she's likely been resenting you for some time. Now your job is to prove to her that your changes are permanent. AND to stop acting like her dad. Curfew? Really? A married couple sits down and discusses what's acceptable to both of you, and works from there.


There you go. I told you they’d start blaming you for your wife’s infidelity. How did I KNOW that would happen? Because I’m an expert on this subject.

Anyone old enough to remember those TV ads in the 70’s about littering? It had an American Indian (sorry, indigenous American) watching his pristine planet get trashed by the white man. It ended with some ******* throwing a bag of garbage out of a car window and landing at his feet. Pan up to the Indians face and he has a tear running down his cheek. Powerful stuff. It worked. By 1980 only an idiot would throw trash on the ground.

Except for one very specific subset of litterers: smokers. Why do they get a bye? How many times a DAY do you see a smoker throwing a butt on the ground? It’s taboo for everyone else, but smokers keep on doing it w/o any negative stigma at all. Clubbing spouses are to infidelity what smokers are to litterers: it’s socially acceptable. A few emails to a work colleague and everyone on this board tells you it’s the beginning of an EA. A few phone calls to an opposite sex neighbor to chat and we all insist on "No Contact". Forget about connecting with an old BF on Facebook. 

But to have a problem with your wife in the middle of a sweaty, pumping, testosterone filled dance floor at 1:30 in the morning, surrounded by all of the guys whom she’s partied with throughout the night? Each one hornier than the next, all wanting to swap fluids with her? And because of the nature of the place she is in, they have every reason to expect it to happen? Add the sneakiness, alcohol and lowered inhibitions...you get the picture. In that sitch, you’re a Neanderthal who can’t handle his wife going out with her friends. And you surely need to change YOU. She’s just doing a little dancing.

The OP even got caught up in this logic. It’s not the partying with strange men he doesn’t like. That would be primitive. No, it’s just that she stays out late and doesn’t call. As you’ve all pointed out, that’s even MORE pathetic. But the truth is, that last two hours is the worst part of sitting home wondering where she is and what she’s doing. I know. I’ve been there. Plus, home at midnight is out for a little fun. Home after 2:00 AM is serious partying. 

You wouldn’t be asking him what he’s not giving his wife if she were between the sheets with someone in a cheap hotel room. Don’t blame him for this either. Give him the confidence to confront her and demand accountability. You all want "no contact" with the janitor at work who is just a friend? I say no contact with drunk, horny 24 year old boys who all want to "do" her.


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## MrK

Liam_680 said:


> as long as there is no sign of cheating or being distant then there is nothing really that you should be worried about.


There IS sign of being distant. She's sneaky about it also. According to my research on the subject and your own advice, she has a lot to worry about. Spy if you can. I can GUARANTEE it's not all innocent dancing. How about the other posters question? Has she ever asked you to come with? Didn't think so.


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## turnera

I in no way said it was his fault. 

I was referring to the human psychological desire to avoid unpleasantness and seek out pleasantness. 

You cannot MAKE someone choose to stay home with you and not cheat. You CAN be what gives them the most pleasure and gives them the least unpleasantness, so that the idea of spending an evening curled up on the couch with your husband, or going kayaking with your wife, or whatever it is a couple spends their time doing, is what makes them choose you.

In the aftermath of infidelity, or on the verge of it, you have a choice to make. Continue existing as you have been and be flummoxed when your cheating spouse doesn't come running back to you, or take a good hard look at yourself and see what THEY see when they look at you. 

It's not even about cheating. My peaceful time is at work; my stress is at home (or at least when my husband is there); it makes more sense for me to find more to do at work, where I at least don't get despondent or hurt, than to go home to what I know will happen. No cheating going on, but definitely avoiding the spouse.

It's really no more than the Golden Rule, and simple psychology. If you want your wife to choose you over the affair partner, stop Love Busting your partner and start meeting all her Emotional Needs (courtesy of marriagebuilders.com).


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## turnera

And fwiw, I am one of the strongest proponents here for confronting your cheating spouse and fighting hard; but it does no good if you aren't being honest about what YOUR contributions (or lack thereof) to the marriage are.


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## michzz

Liam_680 said:


> Its good to allow your wife to go out and spend long nights with her friends. especially that the two of you have been together for 14 years? trust should not be an issue anymore, allowing her to do this will give her something new to do in her life and there is no reason to be jealous because she comes home to you everyday and as long as there is no sign of cheating or being distant then there is nothing really that you should be worried about.


This is really not a logical argument regarding trust and potential infidelity or other destructive behavior.

I'm not saying that his wife is definitely doing something unfaithful by staying out so late and unreachable. However, someone who decides to cheat can decide to do that at any moment of a relationship. Length of marriage is no impediment.


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