# Sexless marriage and upcoming trip away



## bertie101 (Dec 16, 2017)

Married 25 years. Two kids inc one toddler. Late 40s. Wife has been ill, and for various reasons its been a tough few years.

So sex life has been pretty much non-existent (PIV its been a year or so, other stuff getting rarer). I don't blame wife - shes had a hard time with fibromyalgia and its tough with work, kids etc and general energy levels she hasnt got.

Also, not helped is I've put on a fair bit of weight. Hold my hands up yes totally my fault. So that doesnt help matters at all (shes overweight too but lost a small bit)

Got a trip away in a few months - significant birthday (if I can get MIL on board thats another story).

Now I'm hoping this could at least see a bit of a return but don't know how to handle this. Should I discuss in advance or see how things are when we get there? Lose a bit of weight in next few months and discuss nearer the time?


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## bikermehound (Mar 24, 2017)

bertie101 said:


> Married 25 years. Two kids inc one toddler. Late 40s. Wife has been ill, and for various reasons its been a tough few years.
> 
> So sex life has been pretty much non-existent (PIV its been a year or so, other stuff getting rarer). I don't blame wife - shes had a hard time with fibromyalgia and its tough with work, kids etc and general energy levels she hasnt got.
> 
> ...


let me now how u made out

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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

bertie101 said:


> Married 25 years. Two kids inc one toddler. Late 40s. Wife has been ill, and for various reasons its been a tough few years.
> 
> So sex life has been pretty much non-existent (PIV its been a year or so, other stuff getting rarer). I don't blame wife - shes had a hard time with fibromyalgia and its tough with work, kids etc and general energy levels she hasnt got.
> 
> ...


Setting the expectation for sex on this trip will backfire on you IMO.

It's been over a year since PIV? Why would a special trip magically make it more frequent.

I think your expectations are misplaced. What you need to have is a heart to heart as to the state of intimacy (severe lack of) in your marriage.

Why be married if not to have exclusivity and frequently of sex? It is one of the most common, fundamental reasons why we marry. Otherwise, you're just roommates who happened to comingle DNA a few times. Ouch, I know, but that's how I see it based on the way you describe things now. I sympathize with her health issues. That adds a lot of emotional complexity, but all the more reason to work extra vigilantly at maintaining an emotional bond to each other. 

I had a medically-ordered dry spell for almost 4 months, and that was agony for me, personally. 

How does she feel about it? If you believe your weight is affecting her attraction to you, then get cracking on that treadmill and lift. You should be taking care of your own health anyway, not because it will net you attraction from her, but because you only get one bod in this lifetime.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i would not tell her anything at the moment and start changing yourself, by that i mean, lose weight exercise, read some books on putting the spark back in your marriage, find small ways to start re-bonding, then as she sees you change she might want too as well...make it about you first...then the two of you and then her...allowing her to willingly want to be part of it.


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## bertie101 (Dec 16, 2017)

Satya said:


> Setting the expectation for sex on this trip will backfire on you IMO.
> 
> It's been over a year since PIV? Why would a special trip magically make it more frequent.
> 
> ...


Hmmm. Whereas I agree with the one part about it being one of the reasons we marry I'm not sure about the "why be married" part? Yes its a large part but by that rationale if my wife was physically unable to have sex for whatever reason like an accident/illness then I should ditch her? 

Sorry more to a relationship than sex for me. Otherwise, surely if you were married to someone and the opportunity to have better sex with somene better looking you'd be off in an instant?

Bu yeh weight is a huge part I think so my thing to sort out.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Is she seeking a solution to her medical problems? Maybe depression?

If it's a deal breaker then break the deal! I'll bet if you guys break up she will find her drive for the next guy at least until she get her hooks into him.

Then he will be in your position.


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## bertie101 (Dec 16, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> i would not tell her anything at the moment and start changing yourself, by that i mean, lose weight exercise, read some books on putting the spark back in your marriage, find small ways to start re-bonding, then as she sees you change she might want too as well...make it about you first...then the two of you and then her...allowing her to willingly want to be part of it.


Good post - thanks


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## bertie101 (Dec 16, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> Is she seeking a solution to her medical problems? Maybe depression?
> 
> If it's a deal breaker then break the deal! I'll bet if you guys break up she will find her drive for the next guy at least until she get her hooks into him.
> 
> Then he will be in your position.


Her medical issue is chronic. i.e. uncureable. She'll have for life and its all about managing.

Maybe you're right but, come on, not everyone is like that. There seems to be a lot of negativity on this forum.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

bertie101 said:


> Married 25 years. Two kids inc one toddler. Late 40s. Wife has been ill, and for various reasons its been a tough few years.
> 
> So sex life has been pretty much non-existent (PIV its been a year or so, other stuff getting rarer). I don't blame wife - shes had a hard time with fibromyalgia and its tough with work, kids etc and general energy levels she hasnt got.
> 
> ...



Absolutely do NOT discuss it with her beforehand. That will make you look weaker and more pathetic than you already do and it will put her on the defensive and make her think that you are only going on this trip to try to score a piece. 

In regards to the fibromyalgia, There are quadriplegics, cancer victims, burn victims, amputees etc etc that have active and healthy sex lives. Fibromyalgia may make someone miserable but it does not exclude a sex life. sex and orgasms etc are probably good and beneficial for fibromyalgics. 

And everyone has stress at work, kids, bills to pay and laundry lists of stressors and pains in the butt. 

Both you and she are using those things as excuses. 

It's good that you admit that you have gotten overweight. Now get off the couch and do something about it. 

You have some goal posts on the horizon and a few months is enough time to make a noticeable difference. Go cold turkey on the junk food and start eating a healthy diet and start exercising like it is the cure for cancer, world hunger and lost puppies all rolled into one. 

Then start grooming and styling immaculately and update your wardrobe and get yourself into some well-fitting, stylish clothes.

Then start getting more involved and proactive in the daily business of the home and family. be more involved and proactive in the planning and organizing and execution of the kids events, household projects and household chores around the house. Become present. 

Kill it at work too. Be up and at'em each day at work and tackle your career like The Boss. 

Be flirty and playful with her and enjoy her company, but do not put any actual pressure on her for sex. 

If she does happen to initiate sex with her, give her the best loving that you can and make it good for her so that she will want more. 

But if she does give you the brush off or rejects even the subtlest of advances, under no circumstances complain, pout, whine or act butt-hurt in any manner. Just let it roll off like water off a ducks back and go do something manly like fix something, workout, clean guns, whatever. 

Be a man that women in general find attractive and desirable by the time you leave for vacation. 

If you are a man that other women will find attractive and desirable, then she likely will also. 

...... and if she still does not, then you have the option of continuing to live in despair or you can divorce her and take up with someone that does desire you and wants to have a love life with you.


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## bertie101 (Dec 16, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Absolutely do NOT discuss it with her beforehand. That will make you look weaker and more pathetic than you already do and it will put her on the defensive and make her think that you are only going on this trip to try to score a piece.
> 
> In regards to the fibromyalgia, There are quadriplegics, cancer victims, burn victims, amputees etc etc that have active and healthy sex lives. Fibromyalgia may make someone miserable but it does not exclude a sex life. sex and orgasms etc are probably good and beneficial for fibromyalgics.
> 
> ...


Ta. Some good advice. We're definitely in a bit of a rut. Especially me with my weight...

One positive is work. Probably couldn't do much better than I have done last few years in terms of finances.... One good thing.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

bertie101 said:


> Her medical issue is chronic. i.e. uncureable. She'll have for life and its all about managing.
> 
> Maybe you're right but, come on, not everyone is like that. There seems to be a lot of negativity on this forum.


Then your best bet is acceptance!

Accept a sexless marriage and be happy because you love her and quit trying to change a rock!

If she cared about your needs she would still give something! Hand jobs oral mutual masturbation, something. 

Sorry life has felt you this .


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

bertie101 said:


> Ta. Some good advice. We're definitely in a bit of a rut. Especially me with my weight...
> 
> One positive is work. Probably couldn't do much better than I have done last few years in terms of finances.... One good thing.


Weight is one thing in the world that we do have control of and it is also one of the factors that has the biggest impact on our attractiveness to the opposite sex. 

Assuming you are not abusive, an alcoholic/drug addict, child molester or have completely check out of the relationship, then attacking the weight issue will have the single biggest impact on your desirability. 

And once you get to a healthy and acceptable fitness level and she still doesn't want to be with you sexually, someone else might.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Another thing to keep in mind is that overweight women are not necessarily attracted to overweight men. 

Just because a woman is fat does not mean that she thinks fat men are desirable. Overweight people of both genders may end up with an overweight partner but that is not because they are necessarily sexually attracted to them. It is often that that is all they can get and they each understand the challenges that the other goes through. 

Having a fat partner is not a get-out-jail-free card for letting yourself go. Just because they are overweight does not mean that they will find you sexy and desirable and want to have sex with you if you are overweight.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

bertie101 said:


> Hmmm. Whereas I agree with the one part about it being one of the reasons we marry I'm not sure about the "why be married" part? Yes its a large part but by that rationale if my wife was physically unable to have sex for whatever reason like an accident/illness then I should ditch her?
> 
> Sorry more to a relationship than sex for me. Otherwise, surely if you were married to someone and the opportunity to have better sex with somene better looking you'd be off in an instant?
> 
> Bu yeh weight is a huge part I think so my thing to sort out.


Of course there is more, I agree. 

And it also depends on you and what is most important. Maybe for you sex is not a topmost need. Maybe loyalty, quality time, or something else is. 

But no one will be able to convince me that sex is not a potent way - the best way, as nature intended - for couples to bond. There ARE other ways, some moderately to quite successful, but sex is by far the most powerful one, at least in my experience and opinion. And when we believe it's that powerful, wouldn't we want to secure that person so that we can always experience it?

Just my thoughts I suppose.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Some posters do not feel you should discuss anything with her, that it'll weaken you. I would agree. 

I'm not suggesting you discuss anything with her. I'm actually suggesting you TELL her that no more sex is an intolerable situation. I'm suggesting you communicate that it is a non-negotiable for remaining married that as a couple, you both work toward creating greater, better quality, and more frequent intimacy, up to and including sex. 

Unless you feel it is fine to keep sex at the once/twice a year mark. Then I will respectfully take back my suggestions.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

bertie101 said:


> Married 25 years. Two kids inc one toddler. Late 40s. Wife has been ill, and for various reasons its been a tough few years.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I have fibromyalgia, but I have no problems with PIV, oral sex, and most positions. 

I know all those with Fibro are different, but I think there may be other reasons. 

A bit of weight would not deter me, if I loved and desired my husband. 

Oh and by the way, I'm older than your wife. 

A year?! No way! 


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