# Need someone to hear me out, advise... may be



## max1234 (Sep 14, 2011)

married for 12 years (dated for 6 before that) - she was my first love... and so was I. have 2 kids under the age of 9 - she started college after the youngest kid was manageable... met a guy in her class - started off as innocent friendship... 3 years later (about 4 months ago) I was getting her phone fixed and found out that they were sexting each other.... I confronted her and she said her mistake etc.... that it was only an emotional affair. thereafter, i put a phone tracking software on her phone - found out that she's been visiting him in the parking lot of his office when he gets off work (he's married too) - I confronted her again - she said I am too over possessive and that she needs some space... i have never said NO to her in anything... i am afraid that any more confrontation will result in she getting angry at home (She's short tempered). 
2 months ago we suddenly got intimate and I was thinking things are going fine, took a weekend off to vegas... but now she's back to sending him text - I took the software off her phone and even apologized but she's still texting him - not sure if they meet since the guy is too scared of his wife. 
when she's in a good mood, she'll talk about our future and what projects we need to do in the house etc...but at other time she'll be cold... i really dont know what to do. I do love her too much - a divorce will ruin my kids' and my life...


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She is ruining your marriage with this affair. 

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you need to make a plan and stick to it. You have proof. She's a cheater.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

You're a doormat, that's why she keeps on doing it. You get on her, she gets angry and you tuck tail and run away. She's got you where she wants you, pay the bills and she gets the advantage of having the OM in her life.

As long as you're willing to be the weaker one in the marriage she's gonna keep on cheating. Yes you love your wife, but your wife doesn't love you in the same way. So either set boundaries and lay down the law or just bend over and keep taking it over and over and then ask people over and over again what should I do.

If all you can keep saying is, "But I love her so much and just can't live without her and what about our family." Then you should get ready to be in a open relationship. Because you know that she's not asking those questions at all.

And a divorce WILL NOT RUIN YOUR LIFE OR YOUR KIDS LIFE. A cheating spouse WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE AND YOUR KIDS LIFE.

As to the being intimate again, it's a smoke screen us cheaters will throw in at times to screw up the LS's head. Oh wait, he's loving again so it's all good. Yes it sure is honey, because you stopped looking and I keep on pounding the OW, just keep that smile on your face because as long as I keep you smiling, the OW keeps me smiling.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

If she wants space than tell her to get the hell out! I'm sure OM will take her in...opps! I bet he'll throw her under the bus. Dude, the first time you show you have a spine she will be shocked. She's cake eating. Having the security and warmth of a home and family while having a steamy affair with the OM. And if you think that when they meet, they just talk and catch up. Then I have oceanside property to sell you in the middle of the desert.

Collect up more evidence, she's never going to come clean unless the evidence is staring her in the face. And if you can prove that there's more going on, you need to inform the OMW.

Also, if you do confront again, make sure you have a recorder on you. If she gets violent and the cops get involved you want to CYA. Also, get a Voice Activated Recorder and plant one in her car. You may be able to catch some conversations that might be very telling.

If you can prove that an affair is happening, I see you live in Texas and Texas is an "at fault" state and the evidence will help you tremendously in court if you decide to divorce.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You are being a doormat.

-Start the 180 (Check below)
-Put the spyware back on her phone.
-Put a key logger on her computer.
-Put a voice activated recorder under her car seat.
-Find out everything you can about the other man and his life.

THEN..

-Tell her she is to stop all contact with the other man.
(Have a recorder in your pocket for this confrontation)
-If she refuses inform her that divorce is imminent. 
-Gather any and all hard evidence that the above steps I`ve mentioned gives you (Trust me it`ll be there in spades)
-Send this info to the other mans wife.
-Begin the divorce process.

She will either wake up quick when the other man dumps her due to his wife kicking his ass or she will leave you.

DO NOT leave your home..she leaves..not you.
This last is very important.

Stop being a doormat it`s extremely unattractive and right now you can`t afford to look like less of a man because the OM looks like one hell of a real man to her.

If she`s still talking about a future with you then you have a very good chance if you listen to the advice you will get here.
If you don`t you`re screwed

This is the 180...


Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." (Poodlepapa)


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Contact the OM's wife. No consequences to your wife's actions equals no motivation to change. Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat. Your fear will lead to the end of your marriage.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I wouldn't rat her out to the OM's wife. I would calmly tell her she ceases all contact immediately with OM or the marriage is over. Take reasonable steps to verify. If she splits, you've lost only a dishonest, disloyal, dirt-bag of a cheater, in which case you win. If she stays, it's of her own free will. If you rat her out to the OM's wife, one of two things will happen: Having been discovered, he leaves her and your wife leaves you. Or, OM backs out of the affair and you're stuck with a woman who's body is with you only because OM is no longer available. Her heart and mind will be out looking for the next OM. If I'm not enough to keep a woman, I sure don't want any artificial ties holding her to me. She can split and I'll help her pack.


----------



## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I wouldn't rat her out to the OM's wife. I would calmly tell her she ceases all contact immediately with OM or the marriage is over. Take reasonable steps to verify. If she splits, you've lost only a dishonest, disloyal, dirt-bag of a cheater, in which case you win. If she stays, it's of her own free will. If you rat her out to the OM's wife, one of two things will happen: Having been discovered, he leaves her and your wife leaves you. Or, OM backs out of the affair and you're stuck with a woman who's body is with you only because OM is no longer available. Her heart and mind will be out looking for the next OM. If I'm not enough to keep a woman, I sure don't want any artificial ties holding her to me. She can split and I'll help her pack.


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## Turner9 (Sep 7, 2011)

Max1234, I was hoping you would respond to any of the advice given. Don't know what your thinking or emotionally going thru, it must be torture really. 

Get honest, ask yourself are you really the reason for her behavior? If you contributed to her emotional breakdown, own up to it and then deal with it but not as some doormat!

If its nothing you've done??? Then why on earth are you staying? Please don't tell it because of the kids! That is a cop out! They are old enough to adjust to reality. I would gather enough evidence to support in court during a custody hearing! I would not just tell her I'm divorcing her cheating ass, I would see an attorney, plan things out carefully then leave a blue folder on the bed her to find. I believe once you evidence of your true actions, then they begin to change their behavior, if they are going to change at all!

I wouldn't get involved in a relationship with another women while this is going on either, take inventory, take the advice that member from Tacoma gave, spyware, etc etc. Warn her and expose the OM if he is married to his wife or girlfriend. Forget about the aftermath of what she does, Who Cares! The way she is treating you is with such disrespect its horrible and she thinks there is no consequence for her actions??? 

I would give her at least 3 consequences up front! her phone would be disconnected, the bank accounts would be switched in my name only, passwords would be changed etc etc. And, yes, I am taking into the fact that I still Love her! But friends and lovers don't treat one another like this and you know it, who ever she has choosen to become is not your fault, don't let it be your undoing as well.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

max1234 said:


> i really dont know what to do. I do love her too much -* a divorce will ruin my kids' and my life*...




Will her continuing affair and disrespect ruin your kids and your life too? 

Do you care what her actions and your responses teach your kids?


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

max1234 said:


> married for 12 years (dated for 6 before that) - she was my first love... and so was I. have 2 kids under the age of 9 - she started college after the youngest kid was manageable... met a guy in her class - started off as innocent friendship... 3 years later (about 4 months ago) I was getting her phone fixed and found out that they were sexting each other.... I confronted her and she said her mistake etc.... that it was only an emotional affair. thereafter, i put a phone tracking software on her phone - found out that she's been visiting him in the parking lot of his office when he gets off work (he's married too) - I confronted her again - she said I am too over possessive and that she needs some space... i have never said NO to her in anything... i am afraid that any more confrontation will result in she getting angry at home (She's short tempered).
> 2 months ago we suddenly got intimate and I was thinking things are going fine, took a weekend off to vegas... but now she's back to sending him text - I took the software off her phone and even apologized but she's still texting him - not sure if they meet since the guy is too scared of his wife.
> when she's in a good mood, she'll talk about our future and what projects we need to do in the house etc...but at other time she'll be cold... i really dont know what to do. I do love her too much - a divorce will ruin my kids' and my life...


1) She is cuckolding you.

2) You are afraid she will get mad at you if you object!? 

3) You have never said NO.

4) You are too possessive and she needs some space so she can have sex with the OM. 

5) You took her to Vegas.

6) You apologized to her for your behavior.

Do you think your kids lives will be good watching their father be a doormat? What kind of messed up childhood is that? This is effectively child abuse. It for sure is spousal abuse. They need to see their father as a strong man and not some other man dominating you.

Why have you posted here? Serious question. What are you looking for? If you were looking for actual viable realistic advice then you have seen it in the above posts.

What would you advise someone else in your situation to do?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Max, listen to what everyone is telling you. You've been given great advice. Your post in another thread is worrisome:



max1234 said:


> your story reflects mine - except that i am still at the stage where i just drop everything to do something she needs.... may be the optimist in me does believe that love will come back...i pay her college fees, her shopping bills, let her go out with her girlfriends... once in a fit of anger she told me that she wants to be a lesbian....


Find your backbone somewhere! Stop being afraid of divorcing her. Because if you're living in fear of her, one day real soon, you WILL be replaced by an OM, handed divorce papers, and kicked out of the home. She's obviously hypergamous, and looking to trade up. 

Stop living in fear! Expose this affair to the OMW, with proof of course. OM will then be scrambling to save his marriage and likely throw your WW under the bus. The secrecy and thrill of the affair will be gone. And it's the right thing to do. The OMW has a right to know what kind of man she's married to so she can make an informed decision about her own marriage. You would want to know if the situation was reversed. And don't warn either of them that you're going to expose, this will only allow them to get their stories straight and spin the story to his OMW.


----------



## max1234 (Sep 14, 2011)

I have been reading and re-reading the responses - thank you so much - specially the "180" - started practicing a bit of that today.... eventually plan to have one last talk this weekend. From what I know - they havent met in 3 months but are in contact over phone texts. 
What I didnt mention is that my dad lost his job in california 2 years ago and because of their financial condition I asked them to move in with us till they found something - may be that made her mad... my parents move out in a couple of months... but this decision of mine will haunt me forever. 
i came to this forum for some support and i got plenty, I will give it one more chance .... and then start making tough decisions.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> Stop living in fear! Expose this affair to the OMW,


Have you done this yet?


----------



## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Good God, man. Expose the affair already! The secrecy and thrill of them hooking up is what makes them want to continue. They might be only 'texting' now but believe me, the fire will spark again. Trust me; I know....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Open4it (Sep 1, 2011)

max1234 said:


> *What I didnt mention is that my dad lost his job in california 2 years ago and because of their financial condition I asked them to move in with us till they found something - may be that made her mad... *my parents move out in a couple of months... but this decision of mine will haunt me forever.


Perhaps it did make her mad but that was no reason to have an EA or PA!


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Open4it said:


> Perhaps it did make her mad but that was no reason to have an EA or PA!


He is in desparate search to blame himself and cover for her.

Stockholm Syndrome maybe.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

max1234 said:


> I have been reading and re-reading the responses - thank you so much - specially the "180" - started practicing a bit of that today.... eventually plan to have one last talk this weekend. From what I know - they havent met in 3 months but are in contact over phone texts.
> What I didnt mention is that my dad lost his job in california 2 years ago and because of their financial condition I asked them to move in with us till they found something - may be that made her mad... my parents move out in a couple of months... but this decision of mine will haunt me forever.
> i came to this forum for some support and i got plenty, I will give it one more chance .... and then start making tough decisions.


WHAT?!?!? No,no no....do not confront without any evidence. If you confront her without evidence you will accomplish only one thing. You teach the cheater to hide their tracks better.

You approach her now with nothing concrete and the only thing they do is deny,deny and deny. Then, they tell you they love you and only you..and the possibly offer up a lot of sex. This is the equivalent of her viewing you as a little boy that needed a hug, a pat on the head and a piece of candy to pacify you and shut you up......or, in your case, she'll yell at you, slap you and threaten to become a porn star. In the mean time, she's changing all of her passwords, changing the lock on her phone, creating a secret e-mail account and going as far as getting an "affair phone" which are those cheap pay-as-you-go phones. Then, you'll REALLY have a hard time tracking her.

I would strongly recommend that you start your 180 and act normal. As if nothing is going on. If she thinks you are suspicious of her, she's gonna hide her tracks. But, if she she thinks you're a clueless idiot, she going to be sloppy. Go into PI mode and install all the little suggestions people here have written about.

If she has sync'd up her phone to your computer, you have a chance that any text conversations that phone has is in a folder on that computer. Can someone tell him how to do that, I'm computer retarded for the most part.

Once you have concrete evidence, then BAM! You now can confront.


----------

