# bad Communication



## cgh (Jan 18, 2012)

where to start.....
well i'm married for the last 9 and half years, we have known each other for the last 20 years, we dated a long time ago and broke up and went our own ways, i went to Oz dated plenty of other girls and well life brought us back together, we got married and talked of many wonderfull things and a great future. we now have 3 kids and she works part time but long days. 
we both have to commute long distances to work and at the end of the day we get dinners ready put kids to bed and generally watch TV on the couch, 
we would have had a good to fairly ok sexlife and over time it dwindled, but neither one of us made or passed comment on it.
then to my horror last eyar my wife found my shocking secret out, i have a fetish for latex and bondage. i even have profiles and pictures and in the past have seen a lady for sessions ( no sex ) my wife to say the least was mad, shocked and sick to the stomach, she claimed our whole life was a lie and that it was terrible. life was not good, 
we both seen IC and in the end we both agreed to see a MC and things got slightly better, though at this stage my wife still reckons i need to commuicate better and show more emotions, she is also blaiming me on the problems that have evolved over time in our relationship, as i was in my alternate world this obviuosly ment that i hadnt put my full devotion to the marriage. i just cant seem to do anything right. 
we discussed me moving out for a few weeks so we could think and reflect on the marriage. i moved back in and things again were moving well. but after another MC and IC we spirralled downhill, it always seems that we have a difference of opion on where we are at. 
I just dont know if the constant "we need to talk" everyday of every week is going to sort this out. It took a few months for me to open up and discuss everything with my wife, the communication was hard and now every time we try and talk she'll end up crying and blaiming me on the whole mess and that i need to fix this. i have tried to explian that i do want to try and get away for a weekend and do something for us both but finances are bad and we keep spending €150 a week on counselling that i have said could be used for us to get away. needless to say it didnt go down to well. 
i'm just drained and am loosing interest. we are both clearly not happy. i have told her this and i keep been told this is for me to solve.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Tbh, I think it is up to her now.

It sounds like you are owning up to this other lady of yours and your secret world. You kept this secret from her for a long time, and it's hard to blame her for being angry. Her trust has got to be about zero at this point.

That being said, it sounds like you are finally opening up to her - communicating your desires and being honest about your life.

IMO you need to be available for every single "we need to talk", for as long as she wants to talk, because you brought some serious issues into the marriage. If you can't do that, I think the honorable thing to do is leave.

That being said, at some point she's got to decide whether she can forgive you. There is no point doing this dance for the rest of your lives. My guess is that in time, if she can forgive you, you'll be ok. If she can't, you won't. Keep up the counseling and keep trying would be my advice.


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## cgh (Jan 18, 2012)

thanks for that advice, I will try and i do mean try. I have brought major issues to the marriage that i should have disclosed, but i was scared and the longer i kept it secret the worse it became. 
she still hasnt forgiven me, that i think is the stumbling point for me. how can we move on if she cant forgive me. 
she keeps looking to me to solve our problems, that all this is my fault. 
I am to blame but if she cant move on, is leaving the right thing to do?
I do need to try harder i admit that. but surely if we are to get back to a happy marriage we need to overcome this, though i am quite aware the memory and shock may never go.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Have you tried anything like this? If so, what did she say?

"Mrs. CGH, I want to do everything I can to get past this. I'd like your forgiveness, and in order to get that, I hear you asking me to fix things. Can you tell me exactly what I can do today to fix it?"

(My guess is that she probably won't know, and then you have a nice opportunity to work together and figure it out.)


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## cgh (Jan 18, 2012)

i have never tried anything like this, i have been afraid to really approach the subject. i have asked before and even told her to tell me what she wants........ her insecurities and the fact she still hasnt come to terms with the shock doesnt help.
i reckon if i ask her again what i need to do to fix it, she'll blow a gasket saying that i should know what i need to do,


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

cgh said:


> i have never tried anything like this, *i have been afraid to really approach the subject*. i have asked before and even told her to tell me what she wants........ her insecurities and the fact she still hasnt come to terms with the shock doesnt help.
> i reckon if i ask her again what i need to do to fix it, she'll blow a gasket saying that i should know what i need to do,


Isn't the bolded part above the same thing that got you in trouble in the first place (afraid to tell your wife about your desires)?

Stop repeating the pattern and be the change your dynamic needs - my two cents anyway. Be open and honest even if it hurts.

Palms up, ask for forgiveness and you'll do anything you need to as far as fixing it. Tell her the only thing you can't do is read her mind. If she doesn't know, let her think about it. If you give her all the time she needs and she can never tell you how to fix it, but wants to keep holding it over your head, you have the answer - she's not going to be able to let it go.

And, if she can tell you, make sure you fix it!


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## NoCode (Jan 23, 2012)

cgh…you’re “shocking” secret came out just last year, it’s still fresh and new…a secret like this and the ramifications as a result of your wife finding out will take some time to work itself out…

To your wife, what you did, seeing another woman, even if there was no sex, is still considered as being unfaithful…you allowed another woman to meet your needs…so your wife is going to go through all the emotions…

All you can do at this point is…not rock the boat…answer her questions and then STFU about it…don’t get baited into a finger pointing argument…say your piece and just keep quite…

You spilled you guts, now allow your part of the marriage to be transparent…

You’re wife is going to have to find a way to deal with this and move on and forgive...how she does this will be with a qualified counselor…to accept that you’re not some sick pervert…you have a fetish…so what…many men and women have fetishes…it’s not the fetish itself that pissed her off…it was the secrecy surrounding the fetish…maybe one day she can be in a place to understand and help fulfill your desires…

Ask her to forgive you…if she can’t…that’s her problem, not yours, but she shouldn’t beat you up over it …we’re human, we fail, and we’re weak…the key is how we react in light of that failure and make changes and move on… and don’t keep asking for forgiveness either, ask once and drop it…don’t come off as being needy…like you need her approval to be a better person…

She’ll have to find a way to deal with the hurt, anger and resentment, in a healthy way, if not it’ll eat her up and destroy her…

In the mean time, work on yourself…find a hobby, exercise, eat right…get involved in other things and invite your wife to join you…if she does, cool…if not, don’t sulk…go about your business and have fun…get involved with the kids…become a new man, not with words, but by actions…become a leader in your family…

Learn how to protect yourself during these “we need to talk” sessions too, with healthy boundaries…make them short, to the point talks and don’t get baited into a blame game…again, answer her questions and STFU…you have no more secrets…don’t allow her to bully you either…you accept your part…the secrecy part…IMO, don’t apologize for the fetish itself…

So give it some more time…work on you, work on your relationship, the best you can…

If within a year, this is still a subject of contention and you feel you’ve done all you can…you should be at a place to make a healthy decision regarding your future…

And realize, there’s going to be a few more dark moments to come…just roll with them…don’t panic…stay in control...


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## cgh (Jan 18, 2012)

thanks for the advice folks,
I had a really good chat last night with herself, she agrees that she cant forgive me at the moment and that she does need to try and move on. I am doing the answer the questions as best i can and thats it, 
I told her that at the moment that we are both in a unhealthy and unhappy place at the moment. She asked if I wanted to leave.... I told her that if we cant try and move forward and try and get to a place that we are happy and get out of the unhealthy place we are in that it might be a better option for us as a family.


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## cgh (Jan 18, 2012)

well we have had a few ups and downs in the last week,
on monday i finally told her that my feelings and emotions that i have for her are no longer there, it was practically the i'm in love but not IN LOVE speech. she was not surprised, but i then got a ultimatium the next day, be in a committed relationship or leave. i was not shocked by this and i told her i do want to be in a committed relationship but we have plenty to sort out,
so she went to IC on wednesday morning and i was at home in bed with a bad dose. i never heard her go or come in. but i was awoken by her at midday, she told me her father was downstairs and wanted to talk to us. he said he wasnt interfering and highlighted the good things we have and how hard it can be for coupls to separate. he said he had plenty of contacts who could help us. i agreed we could do with help and we are seeinga MC. 
so that was that and later me and the wife taked about how we are always nagging and counter nagging just for the sake of it and we never draw a line in the sand and move on, i thought for the first time we were making progress and proper progress. 
cue yesterday and i get the be in a committed relationship or leave. if i dont love her and have feelings for her i should leave. i was saying that she is still my best friend, I am still here so i can find the spark again. if i thought it was over i would leave. 
she then said that she cant accept me doing anything online in the future and would let me dress on my own. that was her comprimise and she wont budge on it.
even that MC said that all of this would probably never go away and that she would have to deal with it at some stage. after me repeating this to her i got old that i had no repsect and was treating her unfairly and that this is my fault and i should be fighting to save the marriage at any cost.
i'm feeling low and thinking i need to get some legal advice.
any ideas wat to do would be great.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I'm not sure if I fully understand but it sounds like things were moving along and then something triggered with your wife and you guys took a step backward. I do not think this is unexpected. Two steps forward, one step back, etc.

If you can ride the repercussions out with her, I'd say keep sticking around if you want, but if you can't handle the ups and downs of a recovery like this, I think you might be expecting too much from her and I would consider leaving.

Best of luck.


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## cgh (Jan 18, 2012)

right a further update on whats going on,
we went out for a night out on friday, got my folks to babysit and we went for a meal and off to a show. we did talk, but only about the day to day stuff and no negativity what so ever. which was great. then after the show we went for a quite drink in a pub and i go the be in a committed relationship or leave speech again. I was told that if i was respectful and committed to saving the marriage i would have no problems dropping all my fetishes and kinks to be a loving husband. 
so we went back and forth and i went as far as saying that at the moment all we are doing is bouncing of each other, trying to get one up on each other. which is solving nothing, i suggested we see our MC this week. she told me that our current MC is only causing issues amogst us and wants us to see another MC. though i do reckon the MC we had been seen helped me communicate with my wife in a brash and completely open way. 
So i told her that yes i would go see this other MC. as i do want to save this if we can.
but then on Sunday I got home from the gym and she left to go shopping. she left her phone behind and I did the worst thing ever, i went through her text messages. boy did i get a shock, apparently she asked her father to come down and speak with us to have a "interevention", also that he recommends my wife get legal advice asap. there were other texts saying that I am emotionally cut off and completely on the defensive, 
I shouldn't have checked but i know she has checked mine on occasion.
things are so messed up.


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## cgh (Jan 18, 2012)

right two weeks on and we have had a MC with our new counsellor, well its not counselling at all, the wife has us going to a cognitive behavour thearapist. it was a shot accross the bow. i didnt expect the type of questions he went with, but my wife was very focused and was total buying into his style and comments.
my wife still thinks i have a addiction to the internet sites even though i havent been on one since D-day last september.
the MC reckons my time spent online and putting energies into the K'ink could be spent on keeping the marriage going and that I should focus on doing that. i was taken aback as if I played sport 5 days a week would i need to cut back on my sport????
i left with more questions than answers. As this turned out to be a thearapy session not a MC session.
so we have another one this week. i am going to go along and see what direction it goes. But i dont see myself getting anything beneficial out of this apart from my wife constantly labelling me a internet porn addict. 
I am now strongly considering moving back with my parents just to get away for few weeks. 
any ideas or words of wisdom would be a great help


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