# Aging Parents



## BootsAndJeans (3 mo ago)

So, my last two days have been fun.

I was at the physical therapist after work qand get a call about my mother (76). This is the mother that I have limited interactions with, due to how she treated me and her ongoing mental issues (borderline and bi-polar). She is also severely overwieght, diabetic (does not manage it) and generally has lived her life unhealthily in every metric you could think of. She was being transported to the hospital after a fall.

I get there and the hospital is on lock-down for security and have to wait for 4 hours. My step-dad (77) shows up, looking like hell. We finally get let into her ER room and he leans down to kiss here. She turns her head and they (as I will later find out) continue the fight they have been having for God knows how long.I left the room for a while. 

I have heard three different version of what happened. Essentially, in some basic way, she had a fainting spell and/or tripped over their dogs and fell. Ended up with a rough break of her right, distal femur. So my step-dad is legally deaf and has some memroy issues, so I am designated by my mother as the medical POA. She goes to imaging and they come back with the damage. I got home at 2:00 AM Tuesday morning, from getting up at 4:00 AM Monday morning. 

Tuesday, I get three hours of sleep then go back to hospital, where I was all day. She had surgery to put in plates/screws in her leg. She tells me, at 4:00 PM, when she is in her hospital room.....that oh by the way, we are having some kind of water leak in our laundry room. My step-dad, is also incapable of doing anything, he can barely walk anymore from injuries and a lifetime of alcoholism. So, I leave the hsopital, call my wife and tell her I need to go by may perents house. I find the water hose to the washer has been leaking for, who know how long. The shettrock is saturated and there is black mold. They just decided, instead of calling someone to look at it, to just not wash clothes. So there are weeks of piled up clothes. My brother came down to help (he lived 4 hours away), so we replaced the hoses and apent the night doing their laundry. 

The orthopedic surgeon told me she will never walk unassisted again and will be in a rehab hospital for at least 8 weeks. 

Not really looking for advice, I am just venting. I cannot, as a 58 year old man, understand how two people can be narried for 50 years, held down careers and behave like ill disciplines toddlers. Arguing, choosing to be unhealthy.......I am just beside myself.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

I've seen the same thing in a younger couple I'm friends with. I think those two love to hate each other. It's all about conflict and drama.

My parents were hoarders, I'm with you, I don't understand that mindset. But they both grew up in poor circumstances so were inclined to save everything they could.

I think some people never develop the mindset or the discipline to let go of things. Including each other.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Borderline, bipolar, alcoholic. You said it. Erm, have you ever had therapy for what you may have been through with them?


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## BootsAndJeans (3 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> Borderline, bipolar, alcoholic. You said it. Erm, have you ever had therapy for what you may have been through with them?


Yes, I had extensive professional therapy after I was an adult. I am very thankful that my wife (who grew up with normal parents) stood by me and helped me deal with the trauma. I will maybe do a post on what I lived through as a child in the private members forum later.


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## BootsAndJeans (3 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> Borderline, bipolar, alcoholic. You said it. Erm, have you ever had therapy for what you may have been through with them?


Posted in Privaet Members section


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your mother’s on the downhill slide and your stepfather’s not capable of taking care of her — or himself apparently— so when she’s out of rehab there will probably have to be a decision made about their future. They’re reaching the point where they can’t cope and may already be there. I’m near your mother’s age and don’t filter myself the way I used to so I’ll just say it — she’s been an absolute * of a parent and doesn’t deserve your help at all but my guess is that you’re likely going to give it to her anyway. Don’t let her, or your stepfather, complicate your life any more than they already have because they will. Minimize all you can. And absolutely never under any circumstances move her or him or them in with you. They could both live another decade (or longer) and make your life totally miserable. They’re probably going to do that anyway.


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## BootsAndJeans (3 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Your mother’s on the downhill slide and your stepfather’s not capable of taking care of her — or himself apparently— so when she’s out of rehab there will probably have to be a decision made about their future. They’re reaching the point where they can’t cope and may already be there. I’m your mother’s age and don’t filter myself the way I used to so I’ll just say it — she’s been an absolute * of a parent and doesn’t deserve your help at all but my guess is that you’re likely going to give it to her anyway. Don’t let her, or your stepfather, complicate your life any more than they already have because they will. Minimize all you can. And absolutely never under any circumstances move her or him or them in with you. They could both live another decade (or longer) and make your life totally miserable. They’re probably going to do that anyway.


As the folks at APS have told us, unless they can be declared as imcompetent by a judge, they have a Constitutional right to make all the bad life decisions they want to.

Under no circumstance will they be allowed to live with us or any of my siblings.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@BootsAndJeans , 

We are in a similar period with my parents and my Beloved Hubby's mother...that time at the end of their life when it becomes difficult to manage because their health is failing and declining rapidly. 

If I could make a suggestion, I would say to make it a boundary that caring for THEM will not be a detriment to YOU. As an example, my mom is also bipolar and beat me, and my dad is a dry alcoholic...and one of my personal boundaries is that even if they don't like it or guilt me or throw a tizzy, I WILL take care of myself and do what I think is best. I won't force them--I just won't be "guilted" into something that will harm me. In other words, I will say 'No!"  

I suspect your aging parents will attempt the manipulation and guilt, and some part of you does care about them and will do what you can to help. Limit that, now, before it gets out of hand. Determine now, 'I am willing to do ABC, but I am not willing to do XYZ" so that when then time comes that they try to guilt you into doing XYZ, you already have that line in the sand in your own head. Make sense? Yes, be kind because that is who you are. No, do not be taken advantage of or abused. Have a limit. 

Second, on just a practical level, I recommend getting involved with a hospital social worker before your mom is released. Let the social worker know that you have a job and life, your brother has a job and life, and your aging parents are going to need connections to services. A social worker may help you guys find home health nurses, a wheelchair or walker (medical items she'll need), or just plain in-home "helpers" who are not nurses--like to come once-a-week to do laundry! Seriously--go to the nurses desk at the hospital and just tell them you NEED a social worker, and the nurses will hook you up. 

Final thought: @Emerging Buddhist and I think of this period of life as an opportunity to practice what we say we believe: patience and loving kindness. It can be SOOOO frustrating to try to help and be told it was wrong, to try to help and get scolded, to try to help and be ignored, to try to help and get snapped at because they are frustrated with their own selves. It's trying. Well I, for one, do believe in patience, and now is the time to practice what I preach. Take a breath--a LONG, slow one! Remember who they are (even when they don't remember who they are). Think of them as you might a child: kind of innocent but self-focused. And practice that golden rule! If I were in those shoes, how do I wish someone would treat me? Do that. Be that person...but not because I was "guilted". Rather be that person because that's what in your heart. Be who you are.


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## BootsAndJeans (3 mo ago)

Affaircare said:


> @BootsAndJeans ,
> 
> We are in a similar period with my parents and my Beloved Hubby's mother...that time at the end of their life when it becomes difficult to manage because their health is failing and declining rapidly.
> 
> ...


Thanks.

I have distanced myself from them over the years. I live 20 miles away and see them once or twice a year. 

I do not cave their insanity or manipulation.


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## BootsAndJeans (3 mo ago)

Affaircare said:


> @BootsAndJeans ,
> Remember who they are (even when they don't remember who they are). Think of them as you might a child: kind of innocent but self-focused. And practice that golden rule! If I were in those shoes, how do I wish someone would treat me? Do that. Be that person...but not because I was "guilted". Rather be that person because that's what in your heart. Be who you are.


I know and remember who they are. They are not and have never been good people, by any definition. They are and were abusive, violent, self-absorbed nut cases. 

I am doing what I can and am willing to do, in spite of who I really know they are. 

Read my detailed thread in Private Members section, for specifics.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Is there any money for a home health aide? It seems if you had somebody come in even once per week to do laundry, check on the house & report back to you & maybe make a healthy casserole or two so that they eat a little better, you could save yourself the headaches of dealing with the aftereffects of the leaks but have some peace of mind.

You don't owe them anything based on the way they treated you but it's hard to completely & fully walk away when they obviously need help. Getting somebody else to do & there may be government money if the doctors word the request based on need correctly, makes you a good person but preserves your sanity.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

BootsAndJeans said:


> As the folks at APS have told us, unless they can be declared as imcompetent by a judge, they have a Constitutional right to make all the bad life decisions they want to.
> 
> Under no circumstance will they be allowed to live with us or any of my siblings.


It’s one thing when those bad life decisions only impact them but that’s likely not going to be the case going forward. You and your siblings are very likely to be pulled into it. Better to make a plan before you need it than have to do it when it’s an emergency.


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## BootsAndJeans (3 mo ago)

We requested and authorized a psychiatric eval this morning. 

We have also requested APS and social workers, physical therapy and long-term options (which will not result in either of them living with any of the kids).

They both got angry at the Physical Therapy/Gerontologist this morning, when they highly recommended that the only way forward with their health, is to move to assisted care. 

Hence, psych eval.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, assisted care would a good idea.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BootsAndJeans said:


> So, my last two days have been fun.
> 
> I was at the physical therapist after work qand get a call about my mother (76). This is the mother that I have limited interactions with, due to how she treated me and her ongoing mental issues (borderline and bi-polar). She is also severely overwieght, diabetic (does not manage it) and generally has lived her life unhealthily in every metric you could think of. She was being transported to the hospital after a fall.
> 
> ...


They very well may never have been organized enough to live well but certainly at their ages they at least have an excuse. Glad you got your leak fixed.


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## BootsAndJeans (3 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> They very well may never have been organized enough to live well but certainly at their ages they at least have an excuse. Glad you got your leak fixed.


Their entire lives are an excuse. I am just cleaning up their mess, as usual. Been doing it for 49 years, hard to be the "adult" at 9 years of age, but I did.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BootsAndJeans said:


> Their entire lives are an excuse. I am just cleaning up their mess, as usual. Been doing it for 49 years, hard to be the "adult" at 9 years of age, but I did.


That sucks. A lot of people who had to take their parents as children never get out of the habit of choosing people that they have to take care of rather than be an equal partner to. Did you manage to escape that trap?


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## BootsAndJeans (3 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That sucks. A lot of people who had to take their parents as children never get out of the habit of choosing people that they have to take care of rather than be an equal partner to. Did you manage to escape that trap?


See my adjunct post in the Private Members section


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

BootsAndJeans said:


> I know and remember who they are. They are not and have never been good people, by any definition. They are and were abusive, violent, self-absorbed nut cases.
> 
> I am doing what I can and am willing to do, in spite of who I really know they are.
> 
> Read my detailed thread in Private Members section, for specifics.


I did read your thread and just haven't replied to it yet. In many ways, you and I have lead parallel lives in that my mom is bi-polar and my dad is a dry alcoholic (he'll NEVER admit he is one or seek any treatment, but he doesn't drink right now). They are divorced because they couldn't stand each other and took it out on us kids. I live 1800 miles away from them, and for good reason: so I can think about what they ask and say 'no'. 

Please note that I wasn't suggesting re-engage or fall for their abuse, but rather you know how sometimes as people's health fails, they just aren't themselves or they lose their memory or they forget who you are...or what they did to you. (Amazing how they can forget that, isn't it? ) 

Anyway, what I meant to suggest was for us, the people who are striving to break the cycle of abuse, who have our faculties and our health, who are living in a more mentally and emotionally healthy way, to think "What kind of person am I?" and then be that person whether they are or not. For example, my MIL tends to forget I'm still working and 45 minutes away and wants me to "just come over and let me show you what I want you to go pick up for me..." Naturally I can't always do it (because I'm working or have another appointment). Sometimes I just don't want to schlep 45 minutes to look at "Oh look it's MOTTS applesauce, not Treetop applesauce..." That's when I think of who I am and who I want to be. Now, she has never, EVER been abusive, so she's a whole different story!!!! But there's still patience to practice and kindness, because I want to be a patient person and I want to be kind. 

See what I mean? "No" is patient and kind. Taking care of yourself is patient and kind.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

BootsAndJeans said:


> We requested and authorized a psychiatric eval this morning.
> 
> We have also requested APS and social workers, physical therapy and long-term options (which will not result in either of them living with any of the kids).
> 
> ...


A few thoughts from someone who has been there.

First, your mom is on a very steep downward cycle. My mom essentially died from complications of a broken hip. She was diabetic and not being able to walk and being depressed by the changed life style caused her to over eat and loose all control over her blood glucose levels. Amputations, and being bed ridden soon followed. Died of a stroke. 

Now is the time to get their affairs in order ASAP. Figure out cleaning out their house so they can sell it to help pay for assisted living. They will not want it, but it is the only thing that will keep them alive and give them any kind of quality of life. My MIL would not get herself out of bed to the bathroom and refused to have any kind of help. Ultimately if took tough love from my wife pointing out she was laying in her own filth to get her into an assisted living situation.

I also remember conspiring with my mom to remove the rotor from my dad's truck so he could no longer drive it as he had been getting into accidents. If your Step dad is alcoholic, he really needs to be kept off the road. Maybe an UBER gift certificate or special pre-paid debit card to use for uber trips might help. 

My wife and I had to clean up two sets of home to sell them and it was a horrible job. It is the final realization to parents that they are never coming back to where they have memories and mostly likely are on the road to death.

Speaking of which, now is the time to figure out funeral and other plans for both your parents. Make sure you understand the Medicare laws, Social Security laws associated with death, and find out all their bank accounts. One of the most horrible messes we had to deal with was a bank safety deposit box. We paid rent on it for years before we finally went to all the hassle of having it drilled, publicly opened, inventoried, and signing the closing papers, which included our bringing death certificates, power of attorney , etc.

At least your brother sounds like he can help.

Good luck.


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## BootsAndJeans (3 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> A few thoughts from someone who has been there.
> 
> First, your mom is on a very steep downward cycle. My mom essentially died from complications of a broken hip. She was diabetic and not being able to walk and being depressed by the changed life style caused her to over eat and loose all control over her blood glucose levels. Amputations, and being bed ridden soon followed. Died of a stroke.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your remarks.

See my adjunct post in the members only section.

I have cut all ties with them and provided my mother and sister with paperwork relinquishing any rights to their estate and a no contact letter for my parents.

I might, if I am in a good mood, send flowers to their funeral.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

BootsAndJeans said:


> I appreciate your remarks.
> 
> See my adjunct post in the members only section.
> 
> ...


Take care of yourself. I am sorry that it has come to this. Good luck and either send flowers or donate to a charity of your choice in her name.


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## BootsAndJeans (3 mo ago)

Update - 8 Dec 2022

1. I reached out to my mother and set down boundaries going forward.
2. My step-dad got lost driving two times this week. State of Texas makes it almost impossible to take his license away.
3. Mother is in a rehab hospital, on a strict diabetic diet and getting insulin injections daily.
4. My brother cleaned out their bathrooms and found 120 prescriptions for them. They just take each other if they think they need it. Brother took them to be destroyed, the one's that were expired (103).
5. Parents are going to have to move into Assisted Living, there is no alternative now.
6. Hopefully, they will move up north where my brother lives.
7. I am in a tech school this week, but hope to start in counseling for childhood abuse & trauma again soon.

My wife, biological father and a cousin have helped me re-center and let me blow off steam about this.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

BootsAndJeans said:


> Update - 8 Dec 2022
> 
> 1. I reached out to my mother and set down boundaries going forward.
> 2. My step-dad got lost driving two times this week. State of Texas makes it almost impossible to take his license away.
> ...


Just let them go, you have no obligation to them. They don't deserve to have you concerned about them. You've spent enough of your life with stress, anxiety and trauma they have been responsible for. It may sound cold but IMO opinion there would be nothing wrong with you never seeing or talking to them ever again.


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## BootsAndJeans (3 mo ago)

New update:

Brother called me last night. He took step-dad to doctor last Monday. Blood tests came back bad. He has drugs in his system he was not prescribed for. His sleeping pills, plus ones of my Mom's the has been taking. Tramadal and Oxycodone, plus stuff they have no idea about. His BAC was bad at 11:00 AM.Thyroid levels completely out of whack, My son saw the report, brother forwarded. Step-dad will probably not survive, being 77 and has probably too much damage. Doctor is reporting him to state for being a danger on the road to have his license revoked. Mother has been telling us she had taken him to doctor routinely about his issues. Found out they were just telling the dotor about his back issues and had never talked about his memory, getting lost or anything else.

Mother is complete denial about everything. Found out she has $300,000 in debt that she has lied about and hidden. Reality is that she also, probably only has months to live too. She told my brother that she hasn't and is not going to manage her diabetes, because "its too much trouble". I honestly think they have both been at the point of not caring and just want to and have been committing slow suicide.

My brother is at the point of just being overwhelmed by their insanity. He lives 5 hours away, so he was not dealing with them on a routine basis. That unfortunately fell on my wife and I. He told me he understands now why I have been distant from them over the years, while living int he same area.

Mother has not responded to my email to her. She told my brother not to tell me about all this because "Boots is brutally honest and will blow their world up".


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You have done what you can. Glad the doctor is trying to take step dad's license. The rest . . you can lead a horse to water. 

Prayer for their souls & the grace to forgive but stop bothering about them. Go back to planning your 40th anniversary.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Truthfully, I’m surprised they’ve lived as long as they have — especially him. Most with that lifestyle don’t even make it to 70. Sounds like it’s probably going to be a full-care nursing home situation, rather than assisted living, for him and possibly the same for her — assuming they‘ll agree to go. He’ll probably drive without a license if a car’s available. What is her plan for all of this?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

As an old person I'm just going to contribute one thing here. When people are old and struggling they often function best in their own homes for both physical and mental reasons. Those places don't really take care of them either.


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## BootsAndJeans (3 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> As an old person I'm just going to contribute one thing here. When people are old and struggling they often function best in their own homes for both physical and mental reasons. Those places don't really take care of them either.


Unfortunately, neither one will be able to live in their own home. They cannot take care of themselves or each other. They cannot afford full time, in-home care. 

They are products of the ME generation and their entire lives have been about them. Now the buzzards are coming home to roost. 

At this point, they were going to have to declare bankruptcy, sell their house and move into assisted or long-term care. 

The reality is that they have basically trashed themselves physically and will probably both be dead inside six months.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

All of that’s obviously on them. We make choices and pay the consequences (and I say that as their contemporary so I’m very familiar with the choices that some of my fellow Boomers made through the decades and continue to make). Hopefully, this will wake them up and they’ll use their remaining time to get all their affairs in order but selfish people usually lead selfish lives to the end, unfortunately. My guess is that the next six or so months will be difficult for everyone.


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