# I screwed up in a big way



## 2 Limes (Apr 30, 2012)

I am new here so please bear with me if I mess up.

This morning my wife of almost 13 years found my phone, with a text message to someone that we had agreed that I would not talk to any more. Long story short - this woman is a known cheater and I met her while a mutual friend was dying from cancer. After his death, my wife and I agreed no more talking to her. I still had her phone number and actually changed the name to someone else (yes very stupid). 

Now I have never had a physical affair with anyone since I have been married and never cheated on my wife while we were dating.

On the other hand, I have been carrying on inappropriate conversations with some of my female FB friends. Nothing has ever happened but they were definitely wrong.

So the found text message led to my wife looking at my FB account and finding 4 or 5 of these conversations which have been going on for many years. I assured her that they were just talk but she wasn't all that convinced. To be honest I don't know why I had them and from my perspective they were just talk - meaning I no plans to act on them. Like I said, I love my wife.

To say she is mad is an understatement. And I don't really blame her since if the shoe was the other foot I would feel the exact same way.

I love my wife and oddly enough I am very happy (or at least I think I am) being married. We have two great kids and the thought of a divorce makes me want to throw up. I guess I should have thought about that before, but obviously I didn't.

Needless to say my wife told me that she will never trust me again and our "happy" life is over.

I guess I am looking for advice. I know that I was wrong and realize that doesn't make it better. I also realize that saying I won't do it won't cut it.

I told her that I would deactivate my FB account but she wants to be able to access it. Which is fine by me, but I really just want to be done with FB.

Earlier tonight I had the distinction of telling my parents what I did and how my wife reacted. I was honest about what I did and while they were very supportive they were both tremendously disappointed in me. Not the best moment in my life so far.

Thank you for any advice in advance.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Did you notice that you repeatedly (four times) mentioned the fact that you hadn't slept with these women and didn't intend to? Apparently that was the mechanism you used to convince yourself that your actions weren't really all that "bad". See where it got you? You might start by losing that train of thought. Cheating violatons occur more between the ears than between the legs. You don't know why you were talking inappropriate to these women? Of course you do! You found it exciting and sexually stimulating. In short, for your own selfish sexual gratification. The first step to fixing anything is to honestly own the problem. What's this, "my wife and I agreed I wouldn't talk to this woman"? Is that your way of saying you promised your wife that you wouldn't? If it is, it's taking a long way around a very short fence. The truth would be that you promised your wife you wouldn't contact the woman but you didn't intend to keep the promise. You used subterfuge to continue a practice that you knew caused your wife great pain. You'd be doing it right now except your wife caught you. Your words say you love your wife. Your actions say otherwise. Your kids were every bit as wonderful while you were writing and reading these posts. They were every bit as wonderful while you were changing this woman's name in your FB account to deceive your wife. Your family is a little like air. You don't really appreciate it until you're without it. Use this is a learning experience. Every day you're working on your family relationships. You're either working to improve them or you're working to destroy them. In hindsight, it's obvious that the choices you have made were 100% selfish and 100% likely to damage your marriage and harm your kids. Whatever payoff you were getting from this activity couldn't possibly be worth the risk, so pursuing it would be illogical. If wife wants access to your FB account or your cell phone, I think it's the least you can do. It might even help you avoid temptation in the future. You said your parents were disappointed in you. Don't you expect better from yourself? I'd imagine you are disappointed and ashamed of yourself. If you aren't, something's wrong.


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## 2 Limes (Apr 30, 2012)

Thank you for the advice.

Yes I am disappointed and ashamed of my actions. I let my wife, kids, and self down by being selfish.

You are probably right that I did it b/c it was exciting without thinking about the consequences.

I didn't mean for my summary of the events for come off like it apparently did, but I appreciate what you are saying.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Complete transparency. 100%. I always think its best if it goes both ways, but that seems to be up to debate among most of the posters here. 

Unbelievable is very correct. Words without actions are meaningless. Poke around on the boards here and see some of the damage that has come from emotional affairs. It has devastated and ended marriages. If you really want your wife, you will come to the realization that you almost gave her up for random communications with other women. And that is exactly how she feels. Talking with these women was more important to you than she was. 

I do think you should be honest and vulnerable, and express to her that you now realize the depth of your actions. Stay away from the phrase " I didn't mean to hurt you" for a while, because it lacks any real hold on her for the time being.


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## ShatteredinAL (Feb 5, 2012)

Was the thrill and excitement worth losing your wife's trust? Why do men like to play games with the one person on earth who vowed to dedicate their entire life to them? I just don't get it. Conversations like you were having only have one intention, eventually getting them in bed. Whether you want to admit it or not. Your wife knows this too.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I notice you a downplaying it as ok since it was all talk.

That's BullS...

You actively conspired to hide it from you wife - that's a betrayal 

You had conversations for a long the with multiple women which you hid and which you knew woud deeply hurt her. That's more betrayal.

So it wasn't harmless tslk, it was you deliberately choosing to do these things. Clearly you do not believe you wife deserve your respect, and that you are above being honest and true to her. 

That's where you've been and now you've been found out. Right now you sound sorry you got caught, but not at all sorry you did it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2 Limes (Apr 30, 2012)

I am truly sorry for hurting my wife, kids and possibly destroying my marriage. Was it worth it? Absolutely not.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Humbly offer her the option of divorce.


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