# Dad's Death



## ihatethis

I don't really know where to start this post because my thought process is ALL over the place. 

My dad (60) suddenly died on September 9th. We were VERY close... my parents and two sisters are my best friends, along with one or 2 others. I have a lot of friends, but very few that I fully let in. 

I met my current boyfriend about a month before my dad died. He is truly an amazing man. I'm 31 and he is 36. 

He has such a huge heart, he makes me feel loved, he does nice things for me, he is responsible, has morals, works hard, etc. I could keep going on and on about how wonderful he is, because he truly is.

Here's the problem. I don't know how to find myself again. I don't know how to truly let him in (I think I am scared to be broken again and lose someone I love). Before my dad's death, he was everything to me. He still is, but I just... I don't know. I am so irritable now (not just with him, but with everyone).. and my sisters both got on anti depressants but I really do not want to get on any type of medication like that to make me be me again... if that makes sense. 

So basically I'm looking for advice or books to read on how to love openly again, after such a traumatic loss and/or experience. Not only did I lose my dad in September, but I loss my dog in April.. he was my baby. 

2016 has been a horrible year and I just want a fresh start.

I know I am not being fair to the people in my life, so I am seeking advice.

I just feel lost.


----------



## 225985

My dad died last month. 

Try a low dose anti-depressant. I know you said you don't want it, but they won't make you into a zombie. People take them because they work.

Honor him by living a happy life. He raised you well and loved you. He would not want you to shut others out.


----------



## ihatethis

blueinbr said:


> My dad died last month.
> 
> Try a low dose anti-depressant. I know you said you don't want it, but they won't make you into a zombie. People take them because they work.
> 
> Honor him by living a happy life. He raised you well and loved you. He would not want you to shut others out.


I'm trying.. I truly am not trying to close myself off.... I just don't know how to handle things like I did before.


----------



## Openminded

Three months is not a lot of time to come to terms with losing someone. It can be a very slow process. Have you considered counseling for some extra support?


----------



## ihatethis

Yes, I've thought about it. I am starting to look into it.

I agree that it's not a lot of time, but I just feel like I'm letting people down in my life... especially my boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, he is really understanding but I am struggling because I've always worried about making people happy.


----------



## 225985

ihatethis said:


> Yes, I've thought about it. I am starting to look into it.
> 
> 
> 
> I agree that it's not a lot of time, but I just feel like I'm letting people down in my life... especially my boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, he is really understanding but I am struggling because I've always worried about making people happy.




That last sentence is the problem. Focus on making YOU happy. When that happens you will be in a good position to make him and others happy. 

Try the anti-d for 3-6 months to get you past this hard time. Then you can stop.


----------



## ihatethis

I'll talk to my doctor to see what she says. In the mean time, does anyone know any books to read? My boyfriend says that he feels like he is begging for my attention... I don't see it like he does, but the more I think about it.. I understand that.


----------



## VermisciousKnid

My dad died three years ago. Lots of sadness. Not much regret or anger, thankfully. 

1. You have to give it time. 
2. Your own mental health is more important than pleasing other people. 
3. You can't start fresh in this situation. Better to work through your feelings and come to terms with them.


----------



## phitigirl

I'm so sorry for your loss. I was completely numb for almost a year after my mom died, and I was a few years younger than you are. I agree with getting some grief counseling and having some patience both with yourself and him.


----------



## Max.HeadRoom

Regrettably, the only solution is effort & time.

Back in 2002 I lost my wife; we were together 15 years (married 11). After six months of spinning, I sought help and went on a low dose of Bupropion 50mg. I just went off of it four months ago. 

With her passing nothing made any sense. I just kept going through the motions of life to keep from doing anything I might regret. Get Up, go to work, pay bills, eat, sleep. My shrink wanted to me to get out (of the house & this cycle) and do some things for me that I would enjoy. This did distract me from my sorrow, and over time it did lift. 

There is no magic bullet and over time things will get easier.


----------



## PieceOfSky

ihatethis said:


> I'll talk to my doctor to see what she says. In the mean time, does anyone know any books to read? My boyfriend says that he feels like he is begging for my attention... I don't see it like he does, but the more I think about it.. I understand that.


"You Don't Have to Suffer" by Judy Tatlebaum was a beautiful book to me when I read it a couple of decades ago.

She has other works available on her website: Judy Tatelbaum Presents


My experience with anti-depressants is they can be a real lifesaver. They can also take away the urgency, and perhaps even the capacity, to process real pain -- or, that's my guess based upon very limited personal experience. I'd suggest you speak with a therapist, perhaps one that has much experience working with folks who need to grieve ("grief counselors" ? might find some names via psychologytoday.com or goodtherapy.org), and ask about what the pros and cons would be for someone in your current state of mind and situation.

I'm really sorry for your losses. I wish I had some wisdom to pass on to you to make the pain resolve. All I can say is people manage to get through this, and it surely helps to be someone like yourself with propensity to keep her eyes open, listen to loved ones around her, and learn from others who have walked this path before.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish

I'm sorry for your loss. 

I lost my father over 3 years ago and my life hasn't been the same since. It took me about 6 months to go to bed at night without crying. Another 6 months, and my sadness started to subside. I think this was the time that I really started to take a look at my life and the people in it as well. 

I recommend "Dealing with Dying" by Joan Halifax. I didn't read it until after my father passed away, but I think it helped me a little.


----------



## lifeistooshort

I lost my father almost 5 years ago and I still think about him all the time.....we were also very close. 

Give yourself permission to grieve but don't isolate yourself. Try to remember what your dad wanted for you and be thankful for the time you got with him.....many either don't get that or their parents aren't great parents.

Mine was 67 when he died.....I was 38 by 10 days.

And remember that while it sucks it's also natural for parents to go first; the alternative is far worse. My kids better darn well bury me. 

When I'm feeling down over my dad i think about the funny stuff he used to say.....and there was a lot of it. 

He lived his life.....now honor him by living yours.

Also, be thankful that you're close to your siblings.....both of mine are pieces of crap.


----------



## ihatethis

Thank you so much everyone for all your kind and helpful words. It's nice to be write on here whenever I'm feeling anxious and just confused about it all.

I did message my doctor about getting on an anti depressant. She told me that she isn't surprised I've been so sick lately as my body is just so stressed out and just tired. I haven't slept right at all. 

Since my divorce in 2014, I have hardly slept. I did a sleep study about a month ago and they told me I don't have sleep apnea but my legs move a lot (I don't know it). Ugh. Just things piling up on one another always.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Don't know if this is relevant to you but I went for a long time without sleeping well.

Finally figured out that the aspartame in diet soda messed with my sleep.

Haven't had a diet soda in 3 years and now sleep quite well. 

And it has the added benefit of making me think about how much I've had. When you have diet it's easy to think you can have more, but I'll have a can of coke and think about how I don't need more and will stop. 

I really enjoy a it but all soda is garbage.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish

lifeistooshort said:


> Don't know if this is relevant to you but I went for a long time without sleeping well.
> 
> Finally figured out that the aspartame in diet soda messed with my sleep.
> 
> Haven't had a diet soda in 3 years and now sleep quite well.
> 
> And it has the added benefit of making me think about how much I've had. When you have diet it's easy to think you can have more, but I'll have a can of coke and think about how I don't need more and will stop.
> 
> I really enjoy a it but all soda is garbage.


I had a hard time with sleeping too. When my father was diagnosed, I ended up taking Ambien and AD. I didn't take the AD for long because of a side effect, but the Ambien stuck with me for years. Unfortunately, I became reliant on it. I finally decided to stop taking it when I had to have a surgery and was unable to take it the night before my surgery. It was a good time for me to stop. 

OP-this is just something for you to think about (as if you don't have enough).


----------



## lifeistooshort

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I had a hard time with sleeping too. When my father was diagnosed, I ended up taking Ambien and AD. I didn't take the AD for long because of a side effect, but the Ambien stuck with me for years. Unfortunately, I became reliant on it. I finally decided to stop taking it when I had to have a surgery and was unable to take it the night before my surgery. It was a good time for me to stop.
> 
> OP-this is just something for you to think about (as if you don't have enough).


Are you now able to sleep?


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish

lifeistooshort said:


> Are you now able to sleep?


I still have trouble sleeping, here & there. It's not relating to my fathers illness/death anymore though; it's my marriage that I think about in the middle of the night. 

I'll take a Melatonin when I start having trouble. Or if I'm not feeling well (usually headaches or pelvic pain), I'll take Ibuprofen PM. 

OP-it's not uncommon for people to reflect on their relationships when they lose a loved one. I've heard of lots of folks doing it, including myself.


----------



## lifeistooshort

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I still have trouble sleeping, here & there. It's not relating to my fathers illness/death anymore though; it's my marriage that I think about in the middle of the night.
> 
> I'll take a Melatonin when I start having trouble. Or if I'm not feeling well (usually headaches or pelvic pain), I'll take Ibuprofen PM.
> 
> OP-it's not uncommon for people to reflect on their relationships when they lose a loved one. I've heard of lots of folks doing it, including myself.


If you drink any diet soda or otherwise ingest aspartame I highly recommend you throw it out


Your last paragraph is right.....I cleaned out my friend house after my dad passed. Cut out people that didn't bring anything positive to my life.....I've been much better off for it.


----------



## bandit.45

Please accept my condolences for your loss. 

I recommend grief counseling... definitely. It will do you a world of good. 

And please do not leave your boyfriend hanging. He's confused as to how to treat you now. If it is too painful to grieve your dad and be in a relationship, then you need to set your boyfriend free and let him go live his life. You cannot have him and ignore him both.


----------



## ihatethis

bandit.45 said:


> Please accept my condolences for your loss.
> 
> I recommend grief counseling... definitely. It will do you a world of good.
> 
> And please do not leave your boyfriend hanging. He's confused as to how to treat you now. If it is too painful to grieve your dad and be in a relationship, then you need to set your boyfriend free and let him go live his life. You cannot have him and ignore him both.


I completely agree with you.. and I've said this to my boyfriend as well. He told me he doesn't want to lose me and that he is here to support me. I just am trying to figure out the best way to go forward.


----------

