# Does the urge to contact her ever go away?



## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

It's been 7 months since DDay and I have kept myself from contacting the OW (she had no spouse to contact either). I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of giving her any attention. Just by her facebook page, you can tell she's very lonely and loves attention. But I have to admit, the desire to contact her keeps coming up. I think it's gone for good and then it rears its ugly head again. I want my dignity and logic to win here, but frak, do I wish she could be held resposible in a small way for her role in this mess.

The other night, I told H that OW knows the worst thing about me....that I'm a chump. I was a chump for years. H didn't understand why I would think that. How can I not? It's the truth. She knew things about him that I didn't. She was aware that he lied to me daily for years. How does that not make me a f*cking chump? Just call me Chumpy McChumpster. 

/endrant


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I struggle. I want revenge still. Bit really, it is him that really did wrong. Really really wrong. And if I revenge her I have to, in the spirit of fairness, do the same to him also. He actually deserves worse.

I am 2+ years post DD and still wish for dragging bodies through mud. Not too bad, just a mild wish every now and then. 

I wonder if it has anything to do with happiness (in the relationship), reconciliation (is it going successfully), satisfaction (in feeling like you have all the answers and can move on) and so on. I have none of these things, not having the last one directs the other 2, and so I have never been able to put the whole episode behind me. Tho I believe it all never goes completely away anyway!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

7 months post DD is nothing. Though I am sure regardless, that until we get our revenge there is always that strong feeling of power imbalance. I think it could take years to not feel that any longer, especially if you cannot just move away.


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## Rosie 1 (Oct 6, 2013)

now_awake said:


> It's been 7 months since DDay and I have kept myself from contacting the OW (she had no spouse to contact either). I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of giving her any attention. Just by her facebook page, you can tell she's very lonely and loves attention. But I have to admit, the desire to contact her keeps coming up. I think it's gone for good and then it rears its ugly head again. I want my dignity and logic to win here, but frak, do I wish she could be held resposible in a small way for her role in this mess.
> 
> The other night, I told H that OW knows the worst thing about me....that I'm a chump. I was a chump for years. H didn't understand why I would think that. How can I not? It's the truth. She knew things about him that I didn't. She was aware that he lied to me daily for years. How does that not make me a f*cking chump? Just call me Chumpy McChumpster.
> 
> /endrant


My WH had a PA with a woman who has no kids or partner. It happened last month and I only just found out but I was so desperate for some kind of revenge I wrote to her parents. Ha! I forwarded on to her father a vile email she sent me and he wrote back and apologised on behalf of his daughter. That felt good!

That said, there will never been enough justice that will quell my anger and disgust toward the OW. I really hear you.

Remember that she probably is sitting alone at home with her facebook. A lonely broken woman. He chose you. She has nothing. You have him.


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

Remains said:


> I struggle. I want revenge still. Bit really, it is him that really did wrong. Really really wrong. And if I revenge her I have to, in the spirit of fairness, do the same to him also. He actually deserves worse.
> 
> I am 2+ years post DD and still wish for dragging bodies through mud. Not too bad, just a mild wish every now and then.
> 
> I wonder if it has anything to do with happiness (in the relationship), reconciliation (is it going successfully), satisfaction (in feeling like you have all the answers and can move on) and so on. I have none of these things, not having the last one directs the other 2, and so I have never been able to put the whole episode behind me. Tho I believe it all never goes completely away anyway!


I'm sorry you never got answers. I din't know if I was lucky, but H was relieved to dump everything on me right away. I still wonder if there's anything else, but his story hasn't changed in six months.

It sucks that it will never completely go away!


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

Remains said:


> 7 months post DD is nothing. Though I am sure regardless, that until we get our revenge there is always that strong feeling of power imbalance. I think it could take years to not feel that any longer, especially if you cannot just move away.


Gah! I remember people saying a few weeks past DDay was nothing. To me it felt like an eternity! I still feel that way now!


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

Rosie 1 said:


> My WH had a PA with a woman who has no kids or partner. It happened last month and I only just found out but I was so desperate for some kind of revenge I wrote to her parents. Ha! I forwarded on to her father a vile email she sent me and he wrote back and apologised on behalf of his daughter. That felt good!
> 
> That said, there will never been enough justice that will quell my anger and disgust toward the OW. I really hear you.
> 
> Remember that she probably is sitting alone at home with her facebook. A lonely broken woman. He chose you. She has nothing. You have him.


I've been following your story Rosie! I think if I was in your shoes, I would have done the same. Maybe I'm too lenient on both of them, I don't know. H threw her under a bus immediately and is actually a bit scared of her because she's a bit crazy, apparently. Again though, sometimes I wonder if that's just his way of stopping me from confronting her.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_The other night, I told H that OW knows the worst thing about me....that I'm a chump. I was a chump for years. H didn't understand why I would think that. How can I not? It's the truth. She knew things about him that I didn't. She was aware that he lied to me daily for years. How does that not make me a f*cking chump? Just call me Chumpy McChumpster._

Yeah, the feeling of having been played for a fool for so long is maybe the worst part of being a BS. It is up to the WS to own this and make it right before any real healing and movement forward can happen.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Many of us here have been in your shoes. Just imagine her face after your contact. Smirking, knowing you still give thought to her. We ALL want to. But if we indulge in that little bit of contact, we belittle ourselves. There have been several on here that have done it, and it is rarely a productive or therapeutic move. Usually they feel worse and a new basement of self-esteem is uncovered.
POSOW has just announced she lost 40# before her 40th birthday, and told her friend that her H "joked" she could be replaced by two 20yr olds. I have seen her weight fluctuations...and I have heard tell of the reason for her latest weight loss...yup...another KISA (not my FWH). The real beauty of it is, by her history, when THIS A is over, she will regain the 40# she just lost and add another 5 to that. If the only revenge I have is to be nearly seven years older than she and STILL lighter and smaller with better skin and being chosen "by a landslide" by my FWH, I'll take it.


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

Philat said:


> _The other night, I told H that OW knows the worst thing about me....that I'm a chump. I was a chump for years. H didn't understand why I would think that. How can I not? It's the truth. She knew things about him that I didn't. She was aware that he lied to me daily for years. How does that not make me a f*cking chump? Just call me Chumpy McChumpster._
> 
> Yeah, the feeling of having been played for a fool for so long is maybe the worst part of being a BS. It is up to the WS to own this and make it right before any real healing and movement forward can happen.


For some reason, this has been one of the most difficult things for H to understand. He doesn't see me that way. I'm sure it was one of his ways of rationalizing what he did.


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

calmwinds said:


> Many of us here have been in your shoes. Just imagine her face after your contact. Smirking, knowing you still give thought to her. We ALL want to. But if we indulge in that little bit of contact, we belittle ourselves. There have been several on here that have done it, and it is rarely a productive or therapeutic move. Usually they feel worse and a new basement of self-esteem is uncovered.
> POSOW has just announced she lost 40# before her 40th birthday, and told her friend that her H "joked" she could be replaced by two 20yr olds. I have seen her weight fluctuations...and I have heard tell of the reason for her latest weight loss...yup...another KISA (not my FWH). The real beauty of it is, by her history, when THIS A is over, she will regain the 40# she just lost and add another 5 to that. If the only revenge I have is to be nearly seven years older than she and STILL lighter and smaller with better skin and being chosen "by a landslide" by my FWH, I'll take it.


My own dignity is the one thing that stops me when I get the urge. I guess I'll just have to learn to live with the feelings and keep not hitting send! 
I also hate that I compare myself to her! She's also younger and bigger than I am.


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

Okay, so instead of starting another thread, I'll ask another question here.

I'm scared that with the stress I'm under I may be developing a problem with alcohol. I don't drink at home at all. My father's an alcoholic, so in my fear, I try to stay away from it. But I can't seem to do it lately when I go out with friends. I don't go out often...usually every few months or so, but lately it has been once every few weeks. I go out with the intention of only having one drink, but it usually turns into 3. I end up saying a bunch of things I wouldn't have if sober (usually about my situation) and I feel ashamed the next day.

I hate that this situation might be causing me this problem. I can't seem to have a clear view of how much of a problem this is or if I'm being too hard on myself. Maybe an outside opinion will shed some light for me!


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

now_awake said:


> Okay, so instead of starting another thread, I'll ask another question here.
> 
> I'm scared that with the stress I'm under I may be developing a problem with alcohol. I don't drink at home at all. My father's an alcoholic, so in my fear, I try to stay away from it. But I can't seem to do it lately when I go out with friends. I don't go out often...usually every few months or so, but lately it has been once every few weeks. I go out with the intention of only having one drink, but it usually turns into 3. I end up saying a bunch of things I wouldn't have if sober (usually about my situation) and I feel ashamed the next day.
> 
> I hate that this situation might be causing me this problem. I can't seem to have a clear view of how much of a problem this is or if I'm being too hard on myself. Maybe an outside opinion will shed some light for me!


Can you try meeting friends at places that don't serve alcohol?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rosie 1 said:


> Remember that she probably is sitting alone at home with her facebook. A lonely broken woman. He chose you. She has nothing. You have him.


The best revenge is for you, the OP and other BSs, to live a good life. To live a life that is apparently the envy of the OW (or OM in the case of male BSs).

Whether you stay with your husband or not, you do not have the stigma and knowledge of having done something wrong. Now many OW/OM think that they did nothing wrong. In their cases they are left with the confusion and hurt that they lost their affair partner. They are usually trapped in this. Like you say Rose.. alone with their facebook. They now know that their AP (your WS) lied to them and only used them. They got what is coming to them.

Remember that it was your WS who had vows with you, who made promises to you. We often focus on the OW/OM because it's easier, easier to hate someone other than our spouse. Your major problem is with your WS. Focus there. 

Rosie, your outing her to her parents and forwarding to them her hateful email was brilliant. You outed her for what she really is.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Perhaps you need more of an outlet for the feelings you have bottled up inside? Sometimes I feel like I could just start drinking heavily to try to escape my thoughts, but I know that would just create more chaos. Do you write in a journal? See an individual and or marriage counsellor? Talk openly and often with your husband about how you feel?


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

I do put most of the blame on him, which is why I hate when I get caught in this mental turmoil of wanting to contact her. She really could have been anyone. Mostly though, I'm concentrating on myself and figuring out what I really want for my life. 

In terms of drinking, I've had to look at myself honestly today and it's been pretty difficult. I don't crave alcohol, but I do have trouble stopping when I start. Even when we go to someone's house, the alcohol is abundant. These are the friends I've had for many years and they are the ones I used to drink with in my youth. I stopped even before deciding to become a parent. It just wasn't what I wanted to do. But when I'm with them, it's like everything flies out the window. It sucks because I am shy and they are my only friends. 
But the reality is that I don't like who I become when I drink. I don't want anyone knowing the things I end up talking about. I do talk to H and I've done IC, so I'm not sure if doing more of that would change anything. I've decided to completely cut it out of my life. If I can't go out with friends without drinking, then I'll know I have a real problem to deal with.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

now_awake said:


> I'm sorry you never got answers. I din't know if I was lucky, but H was relieved to dump everything on me right away. I still wonder if there's anything else, but his story hasn't changed in six months.
> 
> It sucks that it will never completely go away!


When you say he was happy to dump, is that how it was? Because I cannot believe that that is anything far from satisfactory either. Same crap but just a different story. 

Mine didn't dump, he has withheld....but why? I am not sure I will ever know the what's and why's, and will happily finish because of it. Yours sounds equally unremorseful. And that is no way to live.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

now_awake said:


> Gah! I remember people saying a few weeks past DDay was nothing. To me it felt like an eternity! I still feel that way now!


By 7 months being nothing, I mean that it is nothing in the scheme of 'getting over it'. If you were anything like me, it took about 3 weeks to stop wallowing in total despair, heartache, and being just a robot, 6 weeks to start getting my head together, 3 months to begin thinking a bit clearer, 6 months clearer still. The 1 year point was a big landmark and I felt I could do this. That is, cope, manage, and see through any action necessary for me. 

I have a particular problem though, and situation, which I guess we all have our particular situations. 

And I have struggled with this problem of the perfect man, the one I have been seeking all my life (not actively seeking, just thinking that there must be something better....bad choices in younger days I think) and never thought was real, found him, that man who was my perfect everything in all ways, we get on tremendously, such fun, such loving, helpful and useful all in one, and this! Take away this and I would be the most happiest person in the world. 

I suppose every perfect thing is not so perfect after all, and I was right, that thing is never to be found....oh I think I may be on a downer now and got off topic. 

Trying to say I guess, that was the 'getting over it' short version, and the difficulties that made my getting over it last far longer than they had to, or more difficult than they needed to be. And all is my own doing I guess because taking the hardline approach gets all the middle crap out the way. You find out if there really is a future far sooner and with less prolonged agony.


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

On a day to day basis, I'm doing okay. I try to concentrate on the future. I don't know if that means I'm running away or not, but it feels better than dwelling on what he did. 

For us, getting to a clear decision might take longer than others. I know it's not a popular idea here, but H has addiction issues. He's in 12 steps now and I'm finding it to be very lonely. He's constantly working on himself, which is good, but I find even when he has the time, he chooses to not spend it with me. I know that it might be because we're in limbo and doesn't know what to do, but if I think back, it's how it's always been. I've just learned to be lonely over the years for the sake of the family. Now that I'm aware of that more and more, I wonder how long I can deal with it.

While I do think that no one's perfect, I have to believe there are healthier men out there than my H.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

If you exposed to everyone that the affair happened you have spoken to her in a very clear way, she understands your disgust ......
I didn't say much to the OW but I did say to her that all she was now the ***** that slept with my husband and a woman that all good women would warn each other about, her name would be out there amongst the good people. A choice she made for herself..........
I keep my fingers crossed that the karma bus will someday run her over and she will understand that being evil does get it's pay back...


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Chumpy McChumpster, LOL. I know the feeling. If it was me at this point I would not contact her. I have been having those moments where thoughts have been coming into my head of low self worth due to my wife's A's. 

The main issue is not the OW, it is what your WS did.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

Rosie 1 said:


> He chose you. She has nothing. You have him.


Yep. Ultimately, my wife chose me over POSOM. I feel like the dog that finally caught the car. Now what?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

JustGrinding said:


> Yep. Ultimately, my wife chose me over POSOM. I feel like the dog that finally caught the car. Now what?


Sort of a pyrrhic victory. The cost to the BS trying to R can be enormous.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I texted the posom and congratulated him on destroying a family and my children's lives. I also asked "how was she?". He replied "I don't man". I said "That good, huh?"

I also told him to stay away from my stbxw or I would sue for full custody of my kids.


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Chumpy McChumpster, LOL. I know the feeling. If it was me at this point I would not contact her. I have been having those moments where thoughts have been coming into my head of low self worth due to my wife's A's.
> 
> The main issue is not the OW, it is what your WS did.


Or Chumpy Magoo..both work. 

I guess I'll have to live vicariously through others who get the satisfaction. We told family, but not who it was. She lives in another city now, and to expose this far in would feel awkward since H has nothing to do with her anyway. I don't know...

JustGrinding, sounds more like she was the dog who became confused between a shiny, reliable car and an old clunker. Now you have to figure out if you want to be chased! Unless you already know, of course.

H knows I could bail at any time. I know he can cheat at any time. It makes things a bit tense.


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

Rosie 1 said:


> Remember that she probably is sitting alone at home with her facebook. A lonely broken woman. He chose you. She has nothing. You have him.


This is really what matters.

Whatever happened in their dark, slimy, secret, hidden time reflects on nobody but them. What you didn't know about can't reflect on you. You may feel that the fact that you didn't know somehow makes you a chump but to me that speaks more to your purity and the healthy normality of your life. But when the lights came on, all the cards were on the table, everyone knew the stakes - who did he turn to and who controls her own destiny and his? Rosie said it best. 

There are a couple of chumps in this tragedy and you ain't one of them.


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

Thank you ScrewedEverything, you have no idea how much your post has touched me. 
It's another feeling I hate. I did nothing wrong, so why should I feel like a chump? 

Wait, I did do something wrong, but it wasn't out of maliciousness. I knew something was off with our relationship for years. I would try to get him to figure it out with me, would blame myself, feel guilt, and eventually drop it because he didn't seem interested in real change. He still maintains that he didn't understand that his constant lying and hiding affected the relationship so much. But now I see clearly that I was emotionally abandoned long ago. I simply decided to accept it for the sake of the family.
No more though. I've realized through all this that I actually do matter. My kids need a happy mom and I deserve it too.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_That said, there will never been enough justice that will quell my anger and disgust toward the OW. I really hear you._

1-1/2 years post dday, and I still get feelings of anger towards the POSOM. I have thought many times about revenge. But revenge will never un-do the pain he and my ex caused me, and it no doubt would complicate my life and potentially hurt my daughter.

Better to focus energy on healing.


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## HealthyMe (Jul 2, 2012)

I also struggle with anger and disgust towards the OW. I hold both my H and the OW aaccountable for their own individual actions, although I know there are some here who feel that one should only blame the wayward. With our WS's we can at least express our anger directly, as needed, in the healing process. With the AP, not so much. So for me, I created a personal gmail account and write angry-grams to her which I never send. In fact, I am careful to always keep the address bar blank so that I never send them accidentally. Over the 2 years since DD #1, I have also written emails to my H, some of which I have sent, some not. I find this helps.

In recent months, I learned that my H's sister had a 10 year affair, of which she is currently out of (and her H still does not know about). I have so much rage towards HER! To me, she represents my H's OW. Ugh. Projection.


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## bartendersfriend (Oct 14, 2013)

In my case, my wife's POSOM was my best friend. I get angry thinking about the only communication we have had since I found out (a few emails). I told him to stay away from my wife and family. When he finally responded (two weeks later), he wrote an email that he has hurt everyone important to him, now including me. Like Now Awake said, he had been hurting me for years by damaging my marriage. I get angry thinking about that he has gotten off relatively easy, but I have left it alone. We were "friends" for so long that I hope no communication is a greater punishment than anything I could ever say to the POS.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

now_awake said:


> It's been 7 months since DDay and I have kept myself from contacting the OW (she had no spouse to contact either). I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of giving her any attention. Just by her facebook page, you can tell she's very lonely and loves attention. But I have to admit, the desire to contact her keeps coming up. I think it's gone for good and then it rears its ugly head again. I want my dignity and logic to win here, but frak, do I wish she could be held resposible in a small way for her role in this mess.
> 
> The other night, I told H that OW knows the worst thing about me....that I'm a chump. I was a chump for years. H didn't understand why I would think that. How can I not? It's the truth. She knew things about him that I didn't. She was aware that he lied to me daily for years. How does that not make me a f*cking chump? Just call me Chumpy McChumpster.
> 
> /endrant


You are not the chump. The OW was the chump. She likely misled your husband to believe that all she wanted was sex, but then she wanted more, likely? Just like my OW. 

In my case, the OW truly meant nothing. I chose her because she was totally unsuitable for "falling in love" with. I did not want to fall in love with someone. 

In my case, I just wanted a normal sex life. Most men, by my observation only wanted sex when engaging in an affair. 

Studies repeatedly show, men offer emotional connection as a bridge to sex and women offer sex as a bridge to an emotional connection. 

Men can more easily compartmentalize sex but women can not. They too often mistakenly believe they are in love with the affair partner. 

I can't emphasize enough. I chose my OW, because she was sexually aggressive. She talked openly about numerous prior affairs, talked about porn, claimed she would go to clubs where women could get male lap dances, and described the way she used her numerous sex toys in detail. All this on the first solo meeting. 

I chose her because. God, I could never have a real relationship with any women who behaved as she did. 

So call her if you must. I see nothing wrong with that. You need to do it for closure. 

But believe me, she was the chump, if she lied to your husband to hook him in, and then he dumped her.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I sent the POSOW a picture of me with her boy toy, and laid into her in my best trucker language about what a POS homewrecker she was, and several other things that I cannot post here.  It felt GOOD, but it wasnt enough for me. I wish death on her daily, she is a pathetic, vile person. She sent me a weak, whiny response that I just laughed at. She is absolutely no match for me intellectually, she truly is stupid. :smthumbup:


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

Thanks remorseful strayer. My H has said many of the same things about OW; that she wasn't worth falling in love with, that he could show her all of his shameful sides because he couldn't care less if she rejected him for it. She did pursue him and kept trying to get him to pity her self-hatred and tendency to pick abusive men. I believe she is addicted to getting men to fall for her. 

3Xnocharm, that's awesome! haha...  One reason H *says* he doesn't want me to contact her is because she is such a vile person who will attack me viciously. I guess it has scared me a bit because I don't want to get hurt again.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

now_awake said:


> Thanks remorseful strayer. My H has said many of the same things about OW; that she wasn't worth falling in love with, that he could show her all of his shameful sides because he couldn't care less if she rejected him for it. She did pursue him and kept trying to get him to pity her self-hatred and tendency to pick abusive men. I believe she is addicted to getting men to fall for her.
> 
> .


It's sad, if she is still pursuing him, because it will cause emotional harm to you. 

I do think that most women who go after married men are later very competitive with the wife. 

The OW, is still harassing my wife, and it is very painful for her. 

My OW, although married, was very angry when I broke it off. She engaged in many obnoxious behaviors to derail the reconciliation. 

She parks outside our home, regularly, as if to taunt my wife. 

She calls and hangs up and more. 

I am sorry you are here.


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

I might be lucky in that respect. H says he immediately sent a NC letter and she hasn't bothered us since. She's made no attempt to contact me.

Who knows the truth though?

I'm sorry you're wife has to deal with such harassment.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

now_awake said:


> I might be lucky in that respect. H says he immediately sent a NC letter and she hasn't bothered us since. She's made no attempt to contact me.
> 
> Who knows the truth though?
> 
> I'm sorry you're wife has to deal with such harassment.


So that my wife can know the truth of how I spend my day, I have set up a live camera in my office. She can check it from her computer any time. 

I record on my cell any outings for coffee or to buy items. She doesn't always view them, but she can if she wishes. 

Also, she has access to where I am by using the "find my iphone" app. 

There is also a real time tracker on my car. 

Will it help, if your husband does similar things?

Can he set some of those things up?


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