# Wife talks about EX'S during sex talk! WTF



## madhatter (May 7, 2012)

So I have been married for about 3 years now, this past year we have hit some really rocky times. So for the past 3 months I have came up with a plan to put our marriage back on track, by having date nights, walks in the park, cute little pizza making nights, etc… Anything that I felt would bring us closer then ever together. And I am happy to report that it worked flawlessly, we are happily in love on that front. So I decided if I could put forth so much effort into fixing that side of our relationship why not spend that effort also fixing our sex life which has also been on an even more rocky road since we got married. Clearly this didn't work out so or else I wouldn't typing this as my first intimate divulgence on the internet. Let me give you a little back story and maybe I can get some some gems of feedback because I am out of ideas.

When we first started dating the sex was great, of course, isn't sex always great in the honeymoon stage. That all lasted up until we got engaged and then I slowly became bored with the same vanilla sex every single time. It was almost routine in every way. While I know I could of been more communicative about all of it earlier on before it got this bad but in the early days I was quite a bit more timid talking about intimacy, so it is true that the fault goes 2 ways. But she has slowly over time put such restrictions on sex that it left no alternatives and no hope of compromise. No foreplay, rarely change of positions because she didn't like doing the work, wouldn't get on top cause she hates the way her hip clicks, no BJ's etc. You get the idea, Vanilla sex. I have on several occasions gone down on her, tease her a little as foreplay, sensual messages, but it was still always the same. It got to the point where I did not want sex for weeks even months at a time because the thought of it became almost as a chore or maintenance rather. So finally after putting our marriage back on track I said that enough is enough to myself and decided to open up fully to her and show her the kind of sex that I want.

I had myself worked up for a few days waiting to show her the kind of sex I like and want to have. So finally one day after dinner we head up stairs and I had created a wicked awesome sex soundtrack that was fitting for the type of sex I wanted which was rougher then normal. Once I put that on she looked over at me weird cause we normally just watch tv until we pass out. But she started to undress and I went over, pined her against the wall before she could put on her nightwear and we begun to go at it, trying new positions and I tried a some dirty talk with a more assertive tone. The sex was fantastic, she thought so too. Havn't been that excited in YEARS but Here comes the storm clouds.

We began to snuggle afterward as we both felt great. FINALLY some spice, some fire. We began talking about how I was more forceful and how I want to have a more open sex life with each other, try new things, but she didn't really say much about it which I found odd. I finally open myself up with her on another level and she does not seem to be interested in what I have to say. So I thought "what the hell i already went this far" and decided I would ask her what she wants to try. "I don't know" she said, followed by "nothing really". "What do you fantasize about when you masturbate?" I asked, "nothing, I don't fantasize about anything" she replied. Some how we did end up onto the topic of BJ's, I am fully aware that a good portion of women don't like to do this and this was already prestablished in our relationship, I have come to terms with that. I don't know what I was hoping for knowing all of that, but I decided to ask "what exactly is it about BJ's that you don't like?" so that I could get a better idea if it had to do with her feeling dirty, embarrassed. I laughed and assured her that I am immaculately clean down there and would never ask her unless otherwise, also let her know that if it was embarrassing or made her feel dirty, that I find it a turn on and she has nothing to feel embarrassed about. Keep in mind I am totally okay if she continues to not want to but her response to "what about BJ's don't you like?" basically has killed my sex drive ever since then days ago.

Her response… "I don't like the salty taste." I again assured her that there she be little to no salty taste as I am kind of OCD about keeping it clean as a whistle down here. "No not that" she said, "I don't like how salty the cum is in the throat.".
I sat there in disbelief that she just said that, it wasn't even the question I was asking, i was asking just about BJ's not cumin in her mouth. but lead to so many more questions I couldn't bring myself to ask. I could only bring myself to say "so it seems you have let your ex's cum in your mouth..?". "uh yeah" she said. I immediately shut off like a light, I am assuming for rightful reasons knowing your wife has swallowed other guys cum but refuses to even give you a BJ. There goes one of the top things I always fantasized doing with her.

But anywise, I know all that talk about its the past. let it go. But when your sex life is teetering on its last string because of no spice or flair, and she tells you that. You tend to think a lot about it. I cant stop thinking about it, "why them and not me?", "Am I not desired as much as them?", "Why is she willing to do so much with others but nothing with her husband?" I was not the one to start putting restrictions on sex in the beginning. I wanted to compromise. Keep in mind this isn't the first time this has happened where she mentioned what she has done to people in her past but not me. Could it be that she is not over them or she still fantasizes about them?


Any advice would be great, or maybe even a different perspective. HELP! :scratchhead:


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## Marvel212 (May 7, 2012)

Ok from a wifes prespective an ex has a lot to do with what you like or what you may have nevre tried. For example, my sister hates giving blow jobs. Flat out hates it. She will tell you to your face. Why she hates it has nothing to do with her marriage that has now been going for 6 years. It has to do with the first time she ever tried it as a young adult. The first time she did it he cam in her mouth and she now thinks that her huband is going to do it even though he knows why she doesnt like them and swears to never do that to her. Try other things dont get stuck on the down fall. I know it is easy to question why not you and how come she isnt interested. I got divorced after 3 years for the same reasons. Everything you seem to be doing is working. So keep up the good work suprising her. She liked not expecting rough sex. When you know that you are going to have sex it kinda takes away the excitement if you ask me, especially when you have a routine. Try keeping it full of life. Example join her in the shower, start washing her body, kissing her, and let it go from there. 

Hope this helps a little.


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

I agree with Marvel...more than likely she tried it with the ex, had a bad experience and now thinks she doesn't like it at all.

Continue what you are doing with spicing up sex life and your intimacy level will increase. Once she is feeling more bonded to you, and sees you are still respecting her boundaries she may change her mind. Maybe ask her to just kiss it the next time? It won't seem so intimidating and may get her to get past previous experiences.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Thats awesome. "This jerk came in my mouth and I didnt like it" Just a great excuse. Way to screw your H over because some ass who was likely using you to get his rocks off did something. 

Sorry Hatter, I have nothing for you. I have dealt with this myself for years to a degree. Not a flat out refusal of BJs but a big time lack of enthusiasm and passion in the RARE occurence. All because of some ******* user.

I just think its complete crap and a poor excuse to deny some one you love something like that. Oh my God I might have to try and put forth effort!!!


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

Middle of Everything said:


> Thats awesome. "This jerk came in my mouth and I didnt like it" Just a great excuse. Way to screw your H over because some ass who was likely using you to get his rocks off did something.
> 
> Sorry Hatter, I have nothing for you. I have dealt with this myself for years to a degree. Not a flat out refusal of BJs but a big time lack of enthusiasm and passion in the RARE occurence. All because of some ******* user.
> 
> I just think its complete crap and a poor excuse to deny some one you love something like that. Oh my God I might have to try and put forth effort!!!


WOW have all the answers do you...You did absolutely nothing to try to help OP.

I never said is was OK for her to do this. I said this was a likely senario and suggested a way for him to get past it. That is how you help someone. Not just vent how all women are lazy master manipulators.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Middle of Everything said:


> Thats awesome. "This jerk came in my mouth and I didnt like it" Just a great excuse. Way to screw your H over because some ass who was likely using you to get his rocks off did something.
> 
> Sorry Hatter, I have nothing for you. I have dealt with this myself for years to a degree. Not a flat out refusal of BJs but a big time lack of enthusiasm and passion in the RARE occurence. All because of some ******* user.
> 
> I just think its complete crap and a poor excuse to deny some one you love something like that. Oh my God I might have to try and put forth effort!!!



It's not an excuse so don't look at it as one. It may be upsetting yes but don't assume your spouse is "just making excuses" Try to understand her feelings. When you make her feel safe and secure about it she just may be more willing to up her performance. BTW I was the same way as op's wife and yours when it came to bjs... BUT unlike them it was because I have NEVER done it before my hubby and i was insecure about not being able to perform well enough. When he had told me about his past experiences that didn't quite help because i kept thinking... (well how will i ever top that?) Buuut after getting drunk with him one night.. he told me afterwards that he REALLY enjoyed it. Which of course gave me initiative to do it more often. But yeah both of you need to find a way to let your spouse know they aren't OBLIGATED to do this for you and Middle.. I hope things improve in that department for you.. Have you told her how it makes you feel?


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

UH,oh....here we go again....We had a simular thread about this not too long ago about anal sex. Wife gave it up to Ex a few times, but would never give it to the husband....

Not sure I want to touch this one.....but, I'll recap on what most women will tell you....

She tried it, she decided she didn't like it..to bad for you. Suck it up and be happy she's having sex with you at all.

Oh! and you have no right to be jealous. There....saved us about 20 pages of posts.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

crossbar said:


> UH,oh....here we go again....We had a simular thread about this not too long ago about anal sex. Wife gave it up to Ex a few times, but would never give it to the husband....
> 
> Not sure I want to touch this one.....but, I'll recap on what most women will tell you....
> 
> ...



:lol: Well i don't agree with the sucking it up part.. the spouse needs to consider the hubbys feelings just as he considers her own imo.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

reset button said:


> WOW have all the answers do you...You did absolutely nothing to try to help OP.
> 
> I never said is was OK for her to do this. I said this was a likely senario and suggested a way for him to get past it. That is how you help someone. Not just vent how all women are lazy master manipulators.


Not trying to be a jerk, and no I dont have all the answers. And not in any way did I infer that all women are lazy master manipulators :scratchhead:

I just think too many women inadvertently hurt their husbands because some jerk hurt them before in relation to sex/sexuality. 

Sorry if I came off as harsh and having no help for the man, but this is just something I wish wives would look at as something to work on as opposed to "well I did it with Steve, and it sucked so never again." Whatever it is. Not just oral. 

Its just too hurtfull imo to make some one feel like you cared enough to try it with him/her but it wasnt that great, so no go with you the love of my life.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Madhatter - you are way off - she had a bad experience which jaded her. The best approach - tell her, you are sorry she had a bad experience, but that you hope she keeps an open mind. Add something allegorical - e.g., the first time I tried riding a bicycle, I fell and would not try again for 3 months. . .


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

For me....deal breaker.

If my wife did something for another man but refused it for me. And she throws it in my face? Not acceptable. My wife is smart enough to never admit to doing anything with other men that she refuses to do with me. I'm sure there's plenty of "items" but I don't know about them and it had better stay that way.


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## Marvel212 (May 7, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> For me....deal breaker.
> 
> If my wife did something for another man but refused it for me. And she throws it in my face? Not acceptable. My wife is smart enough to never admit to doing anything with other men that she refuses to do with me. I'm sure there's plenty of "items" but I don't know about them and it had better stay that way.


I dont think she tried to shove it in his face. I think it was honesty in the conversation stating that she doesnt like the taste.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Okay....so, wear a condom getting a BJ, no fluids, no taste...problem solved.

Actually? It's there flavored condoms?


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## madhatter (May 7, 2012)

All of you have valid points, I do feel better hearing from outside perspective and for some people with similar issues. 

A part of my issue with the whole ordeal is the frustration caused by it all. That I been putting in 3x the amount of effort to set the relationship back on track and to expand our sex life but all i get out of it is that she used to try and expand her sex life... just not with me. What is there left to left to make me feel special as a lover that she hasnt already banned cause she did it with other guys? See what I mean. Just lack of feeling like I'm different. Frankly in very certain rare occasions, ignorance is bliss...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It would be different is she said I've tried oral and didn't like it, but I've never tried anal so let's try that. So you can, just once, be her one and only on something. I get the impression here that women just don't understand that at all.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

This strikes me as a be careful what you wish for situation.
You did ask her, when she was slow to answer you prodded her.

You asked, she answered, now you have to deal with it.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> It would be different is she said I've tried oral and didn't like it, but I've never tried anal so let's try that. So you can, just once, be her one and only on something. I get the impression here that women just don't understand that at all.


 I like this. But, you're not gonna get a lot of women agreeing with this. Women hate when we don't understand their feelings on certain things. Well, what you just said is pretty much that the door swings both ways.


In the last thread about this, it was implied that if I had a red hot poker shoved up my ass, then it should be okay for my wife to do it?

I say that I've been bending over and getting it up the wah-zoo from women most of my life, why should a red hot poker be any different? :rofl: 

Sorry, in a weird mood today.


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## madhatter (May 7, 2012)

tacoma said:


> This strikes me as a be careful what you wish for situation.
> You did ask her, when she was slow to answer you prodded her.
> 
> You asked, she answered, now you have to deal with it.



Technically I asked her about BJ's, I had no idea she would jump right to when guys came in her mouth. In my book they are two separate things, if a woman gave a BJ i wouldn't auto assume to come in their mouth. This is why I was so shocked when she jumped to that because frankly that is something I wouldn't not ask about because I really don't want to know. In this case asking about BJ lead to that. Maybe its just a simple blur of association but still to me and I'm sure many others, they are two different ball parks.


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## cinimini15 (Apr 30, 2012)

madhatter said:


> Technically I asked her about BJ's, I had no idea she would jump right to when guys came in her mouth. In my book they are two separate things, if a woman gave a BJ i wouldn't auto assume to come in their mouth. This is why I was so shocked when she jumped to that because frankly that is something I wouldn't not ask about because I really don't want to know. In this case asking about BJ lead to that. Maybe its just a simple blur of association but still to me and I'm sure many others, they are two different ball parks.


From what you’re saying, she didn’t give you bjs when you got married, so you shouldn't expect it now. 

I also don’t like giving bj's because I hate cum in my mouth and because I had a bad experience. I always correlate bjs with cum in my mouth. And have you ever tasted cum? Its f-ing nasty! I’m sorry but I side with the wife.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

cinimini15 said:


> From what you’re saying, she didn’t give you bjs when you got married, so you shouldn't expect it now.


Funny how often you hear this kind of thing from women. I've never heard a man say that if you didn't get something before marriage you can't expect it after. So, is your big plan to have the exact same sex for all of a 60 year marriage? So, do you plan for absolutely no growth in your sexuality or your relationship with your husband? To me that seems like a ridiculous stance on the issue, but you seem pretty sincere about it.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Ask her if she'll do it with a condom on.

I don't see why the fact that she found out that she didn't like the taste of cum with her ex-boyfriend's cum in her mouth is an issue. You might have been even more offended if she had found out with you, and puked all over your legs.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Funny how often you hear this kind of thing from women. I've never heard a man say that if you didn't get something before marriage you can't expect it after. So, is your big plan to have the exact same sex for all of a 60 year marriage? So, do you plan for absolutely no growth in your sexuality or your relationship with your husband? To me that seems like a ridiculous stance on the issue, but you seem pretty sincere about it.


I agree.... a woman should keep her mans interests, likes, needs, wants, ect in my as well as her own. I didn't give my spouse any bjs when we first got together but I do now...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

madhatter said:


> Technically I asked her about BJ's, I had no idea she would jump right to when guys came in her mouth. In my book they are two separate things, if a woman gave a BJ i wouldn't auto assume to come in their mouth. This is why I was so shocked when she jumped to that because frankly that is something I wouldn't not ask about because I really don't want to know. In this case asking about BJ lead to that. Maybe its just a simple blur of association but still to me and I'm sure many others, they are two different ball parks.


I don`t want to argue but your OP stated that you asked her directly....

"what about BJ's don't you like?"

She hesitated, not really wanting to answer so you pushed a little and she said....

"I don't like the salty taste."

When again you continued to move forward with the inquiry (Thinking she meant your cleanliness)when she said....

"I don't like how salty the cum is in the throat."

And that`s where your troubles began.
You now knew that she had at one time had cum in her throat.

You asked, she begrudgingly answered your twenty questions.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I don`t want to argue but your OP stated that you asked her directly....
> 
> "what about BJ's don't you like?"
> 
> ...


So...how come you're giving him a hard time for mistaking what he thought was cleanliness for semen? 

It's an honest mistake, and he got a little TMI.


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## cinimini15 (Apr 30, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I've never heard a man say that if you didn't get something before marriage you can't expect it after. QUOTE]
> 
> lol You never have meet my husband! and like I said before CUM is gross! It tastes horrible and has a nasty texture, I say if you want me to eat your cum then taste yours first!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*if a woman gave a BJ i wouldn't auto assume to come in their mouth.*

Really? I'm thinkin'.... if there is a d*ck in my mouth, cum could happen. 

And why would ANYONE think that ALL cum tastes the same? One guy doesn't even taste the same all the time. And how can any wife justify not swallowing if she lets him do oral on her.... which has tastes, that cannot be avoided (as opposed to a bj).

*She sounds like just a lazy lover. That is sad. I think, just keep trying to keep it fun....and keep talking... and keep doing good stuff outside the bedroom... ALL 3 of those things are vital to a good marriage anyway. You keep doing your part....and maybe she will step up. I hope so.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

First thing...you asked a loaded question, then got an honest answer. Neither here nor there. The big thing is to build up the trust. You have a good thing going outside the bedroom. Keep it up. 

Without trust, you won't have non vanilla sex. She gave you the answer to the problem. The things that make sperm better is pineapple juice, and fresh too....and up your eggs, (thinner sperm is bitter). 

You must be open to hear her answers. Don't answer your self, or give her leading answers. Talk about how far to completion the bjs will go. I wouldn't use condoms, she might get used to the rubber feels. 

You have to make her comfortable with you penis and sperm. Be open to everything she says. Maybe the two of you could make up a cute code word for bjs that would be a thing the two of you share. 

She must be comfortable and feel safe to do more exposing sex stuff. Also, touch her while she performs on you...don't say those exact words. 

Just talk about likes and dislikes. If you want her to be open and more trusting, you have to give a little too.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

And some carmel sauce goes a looooooooong way!


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

i wouldnt be jealous of what she did with other guys. i mean.. you knew she had to have done it with someone to know that she doesnt like it. 

the only advice i have is to slowly get her closer to the act if that's what your goal is. maybe whipped cream or something. i know you said you're clean.. but hairy...ness is kinnda yuck for me. 

maybe let her know she doesnt have to go all the way to the tasting part. kissing down there is part of foreplay like kissing the neck or chest. 

my husband asks me sometimes about what i've done with other guys... i used to answer but it pissed him off. now i just say, "do you really want me thinking about them right now??". 

i'll suggest a motto that has worked for me for the most part. "dont ask questions you dont want the answer to".


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

crossbar said:


> So...how come you're giving him a hard time for mistaking what he thought was cleanliness for semen?
> 
> It's an honest mistake, and he got a little TMI.



He asked for TMI, that`s all I`m saying.

It`s not the wife's fault she answered his questions.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

cinimini15 said:


> lol You never have meet my husband! and like I said before CUM is gross! It tastes horrible and has a nasty texture, I say if you want me to eat your cum then taste yours first!


Never automatically assume that a man will answer that the way you'd expect.

I'd make that trade with my wife. Especially when you said taste, not swallow a whole load. Heck, I've tasted it quite regularly when I kiss wifey after a BJ (she spits).


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

+1 no problem here.


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## cinimini15 (Apr 30, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> Never automatically assume that a man will answer that the way you'd expect.
> 
> I'd make that trade with my wife. Especially when you said taste, not swallow a whole load. Heck, I've tasted it quite regularly when I kiss wifey after a BJ (she spits).


He wont taste it. 
I Applaud her, I can’t, it’s the texture. If someone knew how to change the taste and texture then I mite.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So cinimini did you do it for past boyfriends but refuse your husband, the man you supposedly love? That's really the point of this thread. If you've refused it of everyone in your past then there's not much to say. 

When I read between the lines I hear the op asking his wife if she loves him more than anyone in her past. And the answer is no.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So cinimini did you do it for past boyfriends but refuse your husband, the man you supposedly love? That's really the point of this thread. If you've refused it of everyone in your past then there's not much to say.
> 
> When I read between the lines I hear the op asking his wife if she loves him more than anyone in her past. And the answer is no.


She doesn't like the taste of cum. That has nothing to do with love. Asking her to do something she finds repulsive is not very loving either.

You can't be jealous of ghosts, you will drive yourself crazy.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

I go with using a condom that is flavored,my wife has the same issue for the same reason so we use condoms.It funny because when I have had women in my life that swallow I usually can't stand it because its to sensitive, but it nice to know you have that option.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

madhatter said:


> Technically I asked her about BJ's, I had no idea she would jump right to when guys came in her mouth. In my book they are two separate things, if a woman gave a BJ i wouldn't auto assume to come in their mouth. This is why I was so shocked when she jumped to that because frankly that is something I wouldn't not ask about because I really don't want to know. In this case asking about BJ lead to that. Maybe its just a simple blur of association but still to me and I'm sure many others, they are two different ball parks.


I really don't see them as two different ball parks. At most, they are two different seats in the same ball park.

Regardless, you actually need to recognize that a good things has happened here. Your wife was honest with you. If you want that to happen again, you need to be very careful with the information she trusted you with. If she senses you getting upset or punishing her with this, you will have a very difficult time getting her to open up again.

You got some good advice about acknowledging her discomfort with it, and asking her to consider it sometime down the road. Let her know you are not asking for completion, just as a warm up. Then let that particulare issue drop for awhile.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Lack of BJ's is a deal breaker for me...even though I havent acted on it yet. You dont seem to have this dealbreaker so try not to dwell.

I agree that it's a prett f'd up reason to tell you that she didnt like an ex climaxing in her throat....talk about sucker punch.


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## cinimini15 (Apr 30, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So cinimini did you do it for past boyfriends but refuse your husband, the man you supposedly love? That's really the point of this thread. If you've refused it of everyone in your past then there's not much to say.
> 
> When I read between the lines I hear the op asking his wife if she loves him more than anyone in her past. And the answer is no.


Where does it say I have to give my Husband a blow job? If this guys wofe doesnt like it then why would he make her do it? How does giving him a bj show her or my love to her/mine husband? Thats like saying if he really loved me, then he would ever go out with his friends, or go to work, or whatever else you want to say. LOVE is not a blowjob.


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## cinimini15 (Apr 30, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> She doesn't like the taste of cum. That has nothing to do with love. Asking her to do something she finds repulsive is not very loving either.
> 
> You can't be jealous of ghosts, you will drive yourself crazy.


thank you! I couldnt have said it any better.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Hey no worries. Assuming your husband agrees with you, you've got no problem.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

cinimini15 said:


> LOVE is not a blowjob.


99% of men's penises would disagree.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

cinimini15 said:


> LOVE is not a blowjob.


No it isn't......but it's DAMN CLOSE!!!!


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## iGuy (Apr 23, 2012)

madhatter said:


> So I have been married for about 3 years now, this past year we have hit some really rocky times. So for the past 3 months I have came up with a plan to put our marriage back on track, by having date nights, walks in the park, cute little pizza making nights, etc… Anything that I felt would bring us closer then ever together. And I am happy to report that it worked flawlessly, we are happily in love on that front. So I decided if I could put forth so much effort into fixing that side of our relationship why not spend that effort also fixing our sex life which has also been on an even more rocky road since we got married. Clearly this didn't work out so or else I wouldn't typing this as my first intimate divulgence on the internet. Let me give you a little back story and maybe I can get some some gems of feedback because I am out of ideas.
> 
> When we first started dating the sex was great, of course, isn't sex always great in the honeymoon stage. That all lasted up until we got engaged and then I slowly became bored with the same vanilla sex every single time. It was almost routine in every way. While I know I could of been more communicative about all of it earlier on before it got this bad but in the early days I was quite a bit more timid talking about intimacy, so it is true that the fault goes 2 ways. But she has slowly over time put such restrictions on sex that it left no alternatives and no hope of compromise. No foreplay, rarely change of positions because she didn't like doing the work, wouldn't get on top cause she hates the way her hip clicks, no BJ's etc. You get the idea, Vanilla sex. I have on several occasions gone down on her, tease her a little as foreplay, sensual messages, but it was still always the same. It got to the point where I did not want sex for weeks even months at a time because the thought of it became almost as a chore or maintenance rather. So finally after putting our marriage back on track I said that enough is enough to myself and decided to open up fully to her and show her the kind of sex that I want.
> 
> ...


I don't remember registering a different username and writing this! :scratchhead:

Oh wait, I didn't - but it is MY story EXACTLY!!

My wife has so often told me about her awesome, wonderful, exciting sex life with her exes. But with me, it has been boring missionary stuff all the way. 

Not only that, she with her ex - and I quote "Was often so horny, they just wanted to screw each other's brains out". With me, no siree. Nada. Boring sex, scheduled on a calendar once every 6-8 weeks. Once a week??? Not even when we were just married.

It hurts like HELL. My INTERPRETATION is that she does NOT love me as much as she loved them. Yes, she was sexually abused as a child and has a screwed view on sex and intimacy as it relates to marriage. But she REFUSES to work on it, REFUSES to go for counselling and sows her bitterness day after day! 

Her lips sometimes say she loves me. But her body and soul says something VERY VERY different!!!

I understand the OP. I have NO advice (clearly), but know there are others with the same pain...


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

cinimini15 said:


> LOVE is not a blowjob.



love is a blow job...love is sex...love is cooking...love is laughing...

its all connected. love is at the heart of every action and reaction in a marriage. i read somewhere..sex without love is violence...

i do agree, without love, and compassion, and kindness...bjs, or vice versa, eatin out...is a different thing altogether.

im my marriage...bjs are love, bjs are intimacy, we have love, trust, compassion...so its easy for me to say so.

sex, and sexual actions are communication. its a bond, its deep. and its only shared between the two in the marriage.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

We shoud start a movement.

Occupy BJ's!

Men, We are the 99%!!!!!


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

crossbar said:


> Okay....so, wear a condom getting a BJ, no fluids, no taste...problem solved.
> 
> Actually? It's there flavored condoms?


Been there done that.....it was the worst feeling next to not having one at all. Your at least glad it's in her mouth but if she uses her hands the condom keeps rolling up, then the flavor wears off almost instantly and she's basically chewing a balloon....I was pushed into just getting them that way and honestly told her it just didn't work for me and whether she finished orally or not I'd just rather not have a condom bj....

and using a condom that's not flavored would be even worse...spermicide tastes like earwax.....lol


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

(Fruit Roll-Ups)

Shh....


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

^^^ :lol: :rofl: :rofl: :lol:


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

cinimini15 said:


> Where does it say I have to give my Husband a blow job? If this guys wofe doesnt like it then why would he make her do it? How does giving him a bj show her or my love to her/mine husband? Thats like saying if he really loved me, then he would ever go out with his friends, or go to work, or whatever else you want to say. LOVE is not a blowjob.


Because you are not a man you have made a ridiculous statement. I hope you realize your man thinks you don't care about his sexual happiness and this will lead to resentment. As long as your cool with that then keep thinking its OK. Now if he's a loser that doesn't support you or parties with his friends too much then you have bigger problems.


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## User83947639 (May 9, 2012)

madhatter said:


> ...Any advice would be great, or maybe even a different perspective. HELP!


First post on this forum.

I have not read the thread yet but I will go back and do that but I did read your first post. There is a lot I could say but since you make a big deal about BJ's I'll confine my advice to that area. 

First understand two things, first and most important is that no one is going to give you any good advice because what is needed is a complete revamp of current knowledge, which is what I'm in the process of doing on my site.

Second thing to know well is that your marriage is in serious trouble (like most marriages) and has no chance at all unless you are willing to put in some serious work. I don't buy your 'walks in the park' or cosy 'pizza night' for a moment so let's be clear on that.

All problems in a relationship will always be traced back to sex, eventually even if it doesn't seem that way at first so unless you are getting that right your cutsie little ideas are not going to get any traction. But you know this already.

My motto is happy wife happy life and there's only ever going to be one person who's going to do it for you. Seeing as you both made the vow one or both of you were lying, in which case you might as well end it, but if you were being truthful at the time then something must have been right in which case it's worth working on because if you don't get this sorted then it's never going to work with anyone else. 

I don't want to get too involved because you have opened up an area that I could unfold for days, weeks even. So as you have touched on the BJ subject I'll go right into that.

Obviously she doesn't like BJ's and you need to understand that most women don't even if they think they do, it's just that they have never been offered a good alternative.

If you want to repair your marriage you have to break sex down to it's fundamental basics, and that is not about sticking it in. 

To be blunt you should be able to masturbate your wife better than she can do it herself, and she should be able to do you better than you can as well. 

Sex happens in the mind and if you want good sex then you need to explore how your mind works. Most people do not even know how their own minds work let alone their spouses. 

You ask her what she fantasises about while masturbating, that's a good question but you obviously don't know much about women because you ain't gonna find out by asking her. Noooooo it's not that simple buddy. They don't even know themselves. Fantasies are not like porn movies, there's no story line. There's not even clear images. 

If you want to know more about fantasies then you need to look at your own mind because you are going to have to open up to her first because sex is all about the woman. It all has to revolve around her. Remember, happy wife happy life and isn't that what everybody wants.

I can tell you what to do but the problem is where to begin, what are you ready for. Really it would be best for me to work with both of you because to do this properly you need to know what you are doing.

In order to open up a woman to bits of herself that she didn't even know about herself, and conversely for her to open you up you are going to have to be prepared for some pain, because if you are not able to walk into her anger then you are going to have a miserable life. However I can assure you that once you burst through the clouds, it's blue sky all the way. Not many, if any people know this.

Finding out or should I say, teasing out, coaxing out, luring out her most secret masturbation fantasies, is one of the most fun things to do, but before you even contemplate such adventures you need to grow up fast.

NEVER GET ANGRY. 

See the above sentence, wrap your brain around that because you are never going to get anywhere if you are not mature enough to understand how much harm that does. No excuses, because you are going to still cop her anger and it won't be fair. It never or almost never is. Nevertheless your job is to investigate the anger because anger is a flag and you need to use your manly analytical skills and do whatever it is that she says she is angry about in order to prove to her that what she says is not what the problem is. 

How long might you need to do this for? Think in terms of years, yes years. You get the woman you deserve and if you are really prepared to be honest with the only person in the world you will ever be able to be honest with, then you'd better start sooner rather than not.

So, what you need to do is forget about penetrative sex and learn how to massage her. It might be a good idea unless you are intuitive at this to go and get proper lessons. Then when you develop the requisite sensitivity she can teach you and you can learn how to get her off with your hands. However this is another big topic.

Now as for BJ's, forget it. Teach her how to masturbate you. I can give you a few tips if you want to know because guys don't even know how to do it. 

Now this is not going to be easy to do, and even less easy for me to tell you where to begin seeing as you relationship is already in a messed up state. But I will be going into this subject in more detail in my current project. 

ABC.

PS, rather than write up large posts like this in future it would be best if I am asked specific questions (that's if you are interested) so I can focus better.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

A husband and wife should have no limits in the bedroom without trying it themselves first. First of all, I'VE HEARD, cum taste varies depending on the person and what he eats. Maybe the OP doesn't even want to cum in her mouth but just get a BJ until he gets erect, and then have intercourse. Maybe he just wants to see his wifes mouth touch his shaft, so he can feel loved and accepted. Rejecting HIM without ever trying with HIM is a huge red flag. At least give him a chance before you decide you are against blow jobs. If the past wasn't important and the only partner that COUNTS is the one you married, then let that partner explore everything sexual with you, and if you do not like it with him, talk about it and compromise. 

To flat out reject him because of something a guy before him did is WRONG. W.R.O.N.G. 

Not to mention, if a man or woman did ANYTHING with any other person prior to marriage but refuses to do it with the person they supposedly love more than anything in the world, their love sucks. I'm positive those relationships won't last unless one enjoys being a doormat and neglected.


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

reset button said:


> I agree with Marvel...more than likely she tried it with the ex, had a bad experience and now thinks she doesn't like it at all.
> 
> Continue what you are doing with spicing up sex life and your intimacy level will increase. Once she is feeling more bonded to you, and sees you are still respecting her boundaries she may change her mind. Maybe ask her to just kiss it the next time? It won't seem so intimidating and may get her to get past previous experiences.


My mind would be miles and miles away from thinking about...Be thinking about the said thing, "Glad to be with you here and now!"


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

Actually never encounter the problematic, however I think this sort of behavior would be considered an article of 'TABOO !'

This subject of bringing another person into the lovemaking session would be down-right wrong. Up-left this situation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

I do feel your pain and I would be upset too, you need to put it past you for the sake of your marriage. She isn't giving you BJs because she prefers not to do them. You knew this and married her anyway. 

On the flip side i am not sure what the big deal is to get 1/5 of an once of slimy salty stuff in her mouth to make you happy. The fact that she tried it with someone else and didn't like it is no reason/way to get her to do it for you though. . 

Another reason that past sexual relationships should really be avoided unless Really trumatic like rape or something...

good luck
Good luck.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Keep in mind this isn't the first time this has happened where she mentioned what she has done to people in her past but not me. Could it be that she is not over them or she still fantasizes about them?


For our marriage, the missus prefers not to remember much of her past though she does tell me stories only by my request - as it turns me on to know and hear of her past adventures. It disgusts her however, she does it for my own pleasure alone

A part of me does get jealous of not being able to have threesomes with her (mmf or mff) or even to watch her with another woman (even though she denies that she's bisexual), which both she has done in the past... but meh

Just because one has done something, doesn't mean they want to keep doing it, if you know what I mean


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Seems that it makes a difference if with the ex she did it once and stopped forever or if with the ex she was willing to do it on a regular basis, despite her dislike, but she wont make that effort for you.


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## bellagirl (May 9, 2012)

So wait.....you had a super hot sexual experience with your wife and you both had a great time, the best in years, and then you got into bed and snuggled and then you asked her why she didn't like giving bj's?

How about enjoying what you had that night and building from there? You had the opportunity to build trust through that hot and different sexual experience and instead of reveling in the moment, you seemed to have ruined it by pushing for too much too soon.

Your wife trusted you enough to answer the question honestly. She was being vulnerable and seems like you got pissed because your ego got hurt. Instead of being understanding, which could build more trust and ultimately lead to a bj, you seemed to get angry that she gave someone else a bj.

If your goal is the have better sex and some bjs, you need to change your tactics. Trust takes time.


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## NightTime (May 11, 2012)

madhatter said:


> So I have been married for about 3 years now, this past year we have hit some really rocky times. So for the past 3 months I have came up with a plan to put our marriage back on track, by having date nights, walks in the park, cute little pizza making nights, etc… Anything that I felt would bring us closer then ever together. And I am happy to report that it worked flawlessly, we are happily in love on that front. So I decided if I could put forth so much effort into fixing that side of our relationship why not spend that effort also fixing our sex life which has also been on an even more rocky road since we got married. Clearly this didn't work out so or else I wouldn't typing this as my first intimate divulgence on the internet. Let me give you a little back story and maybe I can get some some gems of feedback because I am out of ideas.
> 
> When we first started dating the sex was great, of course, isn't sex always great in the honeymoon stage. That all lasted up until we got engaged and then I slowly became bored with the same vanilla sex every single time. It was almost routine in every way. While I know I could of been more communicative about all of it earlier on before it got this bad but in the early days I was quite a bit more timid talking about intimacy, so it is true that the fault goes 2 ways. But she has slowly over time put such restrictions on sex that it left no alternatives and no hope of compromise. No foreplay, rarely change of positions because she didn't like doing the work, wouldn't get on top cause she hates the way her hip clicks, no BJ's etc. You get the idea, Vanilla sex. I have on several occasions gone down on her, tease her a little as foreplay, sensual messages, but it was still always the same. It got to the point where I did not want sex for weeks even months at a time because the thought of it became almost as a chore or maintenance rather. So finally after putting our marriage back on track I said that enough is enough to myself and decided to open up fully to her and show her the kind of sex that I want.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you're hurt because you feel she shared a deeper and more open connection with a previous partner. She probably doesn't see it that way, probably just that she knows what she doesn't like.

My guess is you might feel like you're being punished for another man's actions and/or that you're being denied the closeness that she embraced with someone else.

I don't think the answer is to resolve blowjobs. I mean you may have to do without. But the problem is the closeness. She needs to understand that you want to feel special to her and that you want to feel that you have a closer connection than she had with other men. She may think that in her mind and that's nice, but you need to find a way for you both to feel it and she should be open to that.

I'm going to be blunt. I went through this in my marriage and everyone tells men to be patient and more considerate. Well yes. You should be considerate and patient, but that doesn't mean you should tolerate no progress. My advice (take or leave it) is that you need to communicate that this isn't just about sex, it's about feeling special and close and intimate and showing love. You might suggest that she go to therapy to work on her body image, or that you both go to therapy to find a way to deal with it.

This kind of thing won't be fixed with magic or time ;-) I tried that myself, trust me! Deal with it now, before you're too hurt to continue. That's my opinion. I wish you luck. I also hope you see this isn't about blowjobs.


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## NightTime (May 11, 2012)

bellagirl said:


> So wait.....you had a super hot sexual experience with your wife and you both had a great time, the best in years, and then you got into bed and snuggled and then you asked her why she didn't like giving bj's?
> 
> How about enjoying what you had that night and building from there? You had the opportunity to build trust through that hot and different sexual experience and instead of reveling in the moment, you seemed to have ruined it by pushing for too much too soon.
> 
> ...


I agree the timing was not good. These discussions are best had outside of sex... but it sounds like he was being stonewalled a lot. Trust takes time is true, but partners should use that as a weapon or excuse not to change or embrace their partner.


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