# I can't take it anymore



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Hi,

I don't know if this should be in another Topic area, but my INTENSE daily pain is being caused by my wife's infidelity and leaving me for another man (OM just moved into our old apartment). We have two young daughters together and I am away from them for 2 months - I had to come back to my home country because I have no family or real friends where I was living and I was basically going insane. (A longer background is available in my first post elsewhere.)

Skyped the girls today. Miss them like crazy. Saw my wife and she looks beautiful, whistling while she was cooking dinner in the background. The OM is getting her in her best form and it's killing me. I feel like the total reject and some days I really can't take it. Today was the first time I've called a "hotline". I'm four months out from D Day. There was a brief attempt at R but wife could not keep up. (A few days ago she told me she feels she "f*cked up" but cannot change now because it's "too late" but "she'll always love" me. Why does she even say this? Is it manipulation, catharsis, regret?)

I just feel like my life is totally ruined. I will move back there and all the triggers will be there. I don't even speak the language there very well. I will have to walk around knowing my wife has given herself to another man and they are banging away all the time. And that I will have to raise the girls (my share of time) without any help. Yeah, I feel completely rejected in every sense of the word. Every day I think "I can't do this" and I am further incapacitated. 

Please.. any helpful thoughts, care, etc. I'm not in a Man Up mood but whatever, send that too.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Your wife says those things out of guilt. She is not thinking of you at all. She is simply trying to convince herself she is not a bad person. She probably blames you for her cheating and leaving.

You need to do the 180 so that you can emotionally detach from her. That is the only way to make this situation bearable. Manning up is not the issue. She left and gave you no recourse. You must detach from her emotionally. 

At her best she's a cheat a liar and heartless. Know that she will eventually do the same to the OM if he doesn't do it to her first. The best way to end an A is to move in together so that the fantasy ends. Be ready for her to come begging for you to take her back. It might happen. If I were you I'd say no.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Man Up? That's often meaningless, to be quite honest. 

Your wife is deep in the fog, mate. But if she knows she did wrong and still loves you? The situation might not be entirely lost.

You have to be strong (that's NOT the same as man up) for your daughters. You wife is a toxic example to them. You have to be a good example to them of how a decent person of integrity acts.

We will be here for you. Prayers and positive vibes are on the way to you. :smthumbup:


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Please provide more back story. It may help us advise you.

Your wifes actions are unusually heartless.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

How old are your daughters? What I am afraid of, is your wife will start to say things about you to them to justify her horrible actions. She may do this out of pure self preservation. 

I do think you need to get your butt back home though - otherwise your wife may use your absence to tear them away from you.

Can I ask what your wife's ethnic culture is? It may help in dishing out advice going forward.


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## spidersab*ch (Nov 26, 2012)

Help us out a bit. Where are your wife and children? Where are you? Why are you apart? The other guy is in the same building as your wife and you are in another country? What's up?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Thank you MattMatt and Ovid. I'm really in a dark place here. 

Here's the link to my original post. It's kind of long. 

You will see that her marriage with her first husband lasted 7 years. She left him for me but she had already had a PA with someone else. Yes, I know.. karma train for me but she and I have kids so I feel it's different. We've been together for about 7 years as well.

Yes, she pretty much does blame me and does not seem to own her half .. oh, she'll say she's 50% to blame for marital probs but when pressed she can't list her own probs. 

But to split with H when you have two kids and strand H in foreign country with no family or friends? It's cruel. 

When we were separating, we agreed to agree on what to say to the kids (ages 3 and 5). Then one night, she abruptly started and said "Mommy and Daddy don't love each other anymore." and then later told our oldest "Mommy has a new boyfriend.. you know, just like kids change boyfriends at school." I'm paraphrasing. I was pissed. 

I feel like she can go from saying crazy selfish things to being considerate. I ascribe that to her conflicted self, and I tell her she is being ridiculous. She has said some REALLY ridiculous things. (e.g. "Why should I be depressed? I have two men in love with me. I feel like Elizabeth Taylor but without the money.."). At the beginning, I got sucked into her toxic thinking. 

Still love her and want the family back. I've already been told to read a book for co-dependents but I'm just crushed when I think about the loss. I can't function. I came from a household with married parents. My core is shattered.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Wife wants me to come home because the girls miss me. (I also think it's because she wants a break.) She doesn't want to keep me from them. She's a good mom though she neglected them some during the affair. 

The country is in Western Europe so no major ethnic differences, just cultural. I'm from the States.

I think she just sees this as the "next chapter" in her life. She wanted marriage / lifetime partnership. Now she thinks she will get it with him. The "precious" thing we had. Makes me want to vomit.. she has ripped out my insides and she won't face it. She's also subjecting our girls to confusion and long-term problems, IMO.


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## spidersab*ch (Nov 26, 2012)

What country are you in now. Can you get a referral from a trusted friend to a really good counselor. We are here for you, but you are no going to fix this through a correspondence course.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

She's a good mom when with them, if you know what I mean. Clearly she's not a good mom overall when you consider her actions. 

I'm in the USA, she's in Europe, and yes OM has moved into the apartment with no transition whatsoever. This really bothers me.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I did IC when in her country. We did a few MC sessions together. The therapist was not experienced and did not seem to know much about infidelity. 

I don't know what counseling will do at this point. I just feel numb, worn out, hopeless. I would prefer to spend the money trying to frame OM in a cheating episode, lol.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Wife wants me to come home because the girls miss me. (I also think it's because she wants a break.) She doesn't want to keep me from them. She's a good mom though she neglected them some during the affair.
> 
> The country is in Western Europe so no major ethnic differences, just cultural. I'm from the States.
> 
> I think she just sees this as the "next chapter" in her life. She wanted marriage / lifetime partnership. Now she thinks she will get it with him. The "precious" thing we had. Makes me want to vomit.. she has ripped out my insides and she won't face it. She's also subjecting our girls to confusion and long-term problems, IMO.


NEWSFLASH!
SHE IS *NOT* A GOOD MOM!

Sorry, but in truth she is a poor wife and not a very good mom!

Your point about you being hit by the karma bus? Yep. Been there, too. And a) it hurts b) you feel so bloody stupid.

Having said that, my wife and I are still together, so all might not be lost. Yet.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

She's following a seven year cycle... It's biologically driven. She will go to another OM in seven years. 

First take this time to emotionally detach. Realise there is nothing you want from her that she can give you. She is not a good wife and likely never will be.

After that you will want to find a way to stay connected to your children. No. She is not a good mother. A good mother would want to set a good example for her children.

The fact she can't list her faults makes me wonder if she has NPD.


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## spidersab*ch (Nov 26, 2012)

OK. Why are you now in the States? Unless it is obligatory, I'd say go be with your girls. If you want to be a part of their lives.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Seems your wife needs a new man every 7 years. Kids or no kids. It doesn't matter. Like some people are with cars. 

If I'm you, I begin to detach, citing you married someone incapable of a LTR beyond 7 years. You've simply reached your limit. 

But beyond that, have to deal with the POSOM confusing the sh*t out of your daughters. To prevent them from emulating her behavior, you have to really take charge here.

Edited to add: Ovid beat me to most of my points while I was typing!!


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Edited to add: Ovid beat me to most of my points while I was typing!!


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

> The fact she can't list her faults makes me wonder if she has NPD.


Definitely some N tendencies, though not severe. The Elizabeth Taylor reference was off the highlight reel; she doesn't say things like that all the time. 

She does like her ego to be stroked and she knows how to stroke the ego others with gifts, admiration, etc. If you read my background post, you'll see she's with her musical teacher. She's always wanted to sing and perform, and she can do that easily with him (they do small gigs together now). So she likes admiration, expression, etc.

She's very animated, sociable. She claims I became too "square" and she was "bored". Classic, eh? Uh, whatever, we do have 2 young children together and I'm not fluent in your language and we just moved to this town. No, she preferred to take on a boyfriend and enjoy some night life once in a while. I hate her for using me like a chump. I even took our girls to see her perform with him on our wedding anniversary. How sick is that? It's all about her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Definitely some N tendencies, though not severe. The Elizabeth Taylor reference was off the highlight reel; she doesn't say things like that all the time.
> 
> She does like her ego to be stroked and she knows how to stroke the ego others with gifts, admiration, etc. If you read my background post, you'll see she's with her musical teacher. She's always wanted to sing and perform, and she can do that easily with him (they do small gigs together now). So she likes admiration, expression, etc.
> 
> She's very animated, sociable. She claims I became too "square" and she was "bored". Classic, eh? Uh, whatever, we do have 2 young children together and I'm not fluent in your language and we just moved to this town. No, she preferred to take on a boyfriend and enjoy some night life once in a while. I hate her for using me like a chump. I even took our girls to see her perform with him on our wedding anniversary. How sick is that? It's all about her.


Oh FFS! Not *another* bloody music teacher?!
:wtf:


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Oh FFS! Not *another* bloody music teacher?!
> :wtf:


It's like they started some sort of fd up club.:scratchhead:


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

How sad is it that I figured out what FFS was in like 2 seconds.

And yes, geez, another musical tragedy.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> How sad is it that I figured out what FFS was in like 2 seconds.
> 
> And yes, geez, another musical tragedy.



I have a pretty warped mind and I wasnt able to figure it out, yet!! LOL


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Yeah. Music is an aphrodisiac. 

I had not met the guy early on because I watched the kids while she was at her weekly lesson. 

Of course, during the affair fog she came to believe they were destined to be together. He came into her life for a purpose, otherwise why would it have happened? It's also f'ing sick. This form of love is twisted because it blinds people and they will royally screw over the people they care about (me, our daughters, our families).


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I think it's also something about the musician's lifestyle. He teaches but performs at night, too, so he's not around the house as much. I think she likes that because it's the opposite of what I was (working from home and helping raise the kids). 

I just want to say f*ck you to her over and over. She has ruined my life in so many ways. 

The flip side is I am jealous of all you out there who even have a chance at reconciliation. I would really like to have my family back and work on the marriage. I know that must be tough, but nothing is tougher than this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Would outing him be an option?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> I have a pretty warped mind and I wasnt able to figure it out, yet!! LOL


I assume it was For F*cks Sakes


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

staystrong said:


> I think it's also something about the musician's lifestyle. He teaches but performs at night, too, so he's not around the house as much. I think she likes that because it's the opposite of what I was (working from home and helping raise the kids).
> 
> I just want to say f*ck you to her over and over. She has ruined my life in so many ways.
> 
> The flip side is I am jealous of all you out there who even have a chance at reconciliation. I would really like to have my family back and work on the marriage. I know that must be tough, but nothing is tougher than this.


I am so sorry dude. It does just so totally suck. It does get better. Slowly.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

It's too late for any of that. Even if I had outed OM to his wife, it wouldn't have mattered. They had a pretty lifeless marriage .. he had cheated on her a few years prior (it was a three years affair). He had also cheated prior to marriage with a married woman and got her pregnant (aborted). What's weird is his ex says he has "good values" and my wife says "he doesn't like to hurt people". WTF? I'm sorry, but you have to be a bit of snake or completely irresponsible. My wife feels "maternal" to him and feels she can "give him things his other women could not." I had already read about the affair fog at this time so I reacted differently than I might have normally. 

It's over. They're living together. What can I do? Two cheaters in love with each other with big dreams for one another. *I'm dying inside. I have no plan which will make me happy. All options suck!*
\


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Thank you Gabriel. I'm at a total loss. Like I said, today I called one of those "hotlines" for suicide prevention. I can't leave this world but I can't stay in it. That makes you go batty.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You need to get yourself into counseling now. 

You are in a fantasy world of your own where you have the perfect loving wife and two children and everybody lives happily ever after. This is what you want but can never have with her. She is just not built that way.

You need to realize that this woman is toxic. She is too selfish and self-centered to be a good wife or mother. 

She is trying to manipulate you into moving back so you can take over babysitting duty. She is not interested in dumping OM for you.

Get you head on straight and get finances straight then suggest to her that the kids come and live with you for a few months. I don't think she would put up too much of a fight. Once you have them, she probably will not be in a big hurry to get them back.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Bullsh1t and get off the pity party and start living, you gatta kid and you don't need to be all jacked up cuz you married a nut job.

Stop letting her crap define who you want to be.

The best revenge here is living a better life then those cheating POS. so dust your self off and get out there.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its not what knocks us down that matters, its how we get back up that counts.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

TDSC60 is right but you need to understand something. You are at WAR right now! This is not some minor blow up. This is East meets West full blown WAR! You have not been pulling triggers because you still love her and you are in shock.STOP all the BS and fight! I do not mean kill her, I mean fight her. Tell her to Fcuk Off when she calls, you do not need to put up with her shi*! Find out what you can do legally and not so legally.Next, you need to understand that this is YOU LIFE, STOP worrying about some SBH that has [email protected] you over, she is not worth it. YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT YOU! Can I make that any plainer to you? YOU have to worry about YOU!Trust me< I know exactly were you are comming from because I was in full RETARD form when my SBH wife left me. STOP the stupid time wasting and MALE UP! If she can be a cubt, you can be a basta2d. Good luck and keep us informed. David


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

staystrong, seriously, you have two little girls who are depending on you. Drop the pitty party and get angry. You should be very angry.

I don't mean to do anything violent.

But go back and take the girls off her hands. See if you can bring them back to the USA.

The reason she wants you back there is that having children around makes the affair much less fun and less about her. So offer to set her free.

You can raise your daughters if you chose to do this..


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

staystrong said:


> It's too late for any of that. Even if I had outed OM to his wife, it wouldn't have mattered. They had a pretty lifeless marriage .. he had cheated on her a few years prior (it was a three years affair). He had also cheated prior to marriage with a married woman and got her pregnant (aborted). What's weird is his ex says he has "good values" and my wife says "he doesn't like to hurt people". WTF? I'm sorry, but you have to be a bit of snake or completely irresponsible. My wife feels "maternal" to him and feels she can "give him things his other women could not." I had already read about the affair fog at this time so I reacted differently than I might have normally.
> 
> It's over. They're living together. What can I do? Two cheaters in love with each other with big dreams for one another. *I'm dying inside. I have no plan which will make me happy. All options suck!*
> \


:wtf:duhhh... wha???? He doesn't like to... hurt people?:wtf:

He destroyed at least three marriages and he doesn't like to... _hurt people_? Jeez. That made my head hurt. Really. 

Oh, man, he doesn't need the Karma bus, he needs the Karma halftrack to really make sure of the job.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> TDSC60, seriously, you have two little girls who are depending on you. Drop the pitty party and get angry. You should be very angry.
> 
> I don't mean to do anything violent.
> 
> ...


Without being charged with kidnap, of course.

OP, which country are you in?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

OP, quite honestly you need to buck up. I know you are hurting. But do gather yourself up and stop the self pity stuff. That will kill you slowly. 

You need to go out see people. The more the better. Hunt for women, and yes, man the f*ck up dude. The best you can do is to move on with your life. Your ex-wife isn't worth all this. 

You said you have to raise your daughters alone... Why? Are you a severe cripple or a burn victim? Is there something that stops you from finding a partner for life? Heck, even dudes with severe handicaps can do it. Why not you?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> TDSC60, seriously, you have two little girls who are depending on you. Drop the pitty party and get angry. You should be very angry.
> 
> I don't mean to do anything violent.
> 
> ...


I agree with your advice to OP - but I'm not him.

TDS60


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Without being charged with kidnap, of course.
> 
> OP, which country are you in?


He said he is in the USA now which is his home country.

Nut job wife and daughters are in Europe - he didn't say which country or I just missed it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Without being charged with kidnap, of course.
> 
> OP, which country are you in?


That's why I said "See *if you can *bring them back to the USA.:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TDSC60 said:


> I agree with your advice to OP - but I'm not him.
> 
> TDS60


OPPS


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Hi all,

I can't take my daughters out of her country without permission - there are int'l laws against it. I have offered to take them but wife will not comply. 

Yes, clearly she wants me back there to help with babysitting. And because my daughters miss me. I do not have a place to live when I return - just a place to crash. One big decision now is whether to live nearby and have 50% custody or live in a bigger city and have every other weekend plus some Wednesdays. Living in a bigger city would offer me more of a chance to meet other ex-pats. 

I have tons of anger. I am FURIOUS. I haven't been so good at channeling it. I just get depressed when I think about my options and I'm not looking forward to living alone (well the times I am without my daughters) and being alone in the foreign country. She and her family were my main support system there.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I can't take my daughters out of her country without permission - there are int'l laws against it. I have offered to take them but wife will not comply.
> 
> ...


Can you take a legal recourse? If you can prove that she has been irresponsible, may be you can get your daughters back. Are they US citizen?


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Don't get all defeatest about custody. Get some GOOD legal advice & see what can be done.
There are specific courts for international child custody matters. I don't have any personal knowledge of the system but there has been a recent case here that has been all over the news.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I can't prove she's been irresponsible. No drugs, drinking, abuse. 

She's been neglectful in the sense that she spent less time at home and caused emotional harm through her actions. Typical pain resulting from adultery and abrupt separation. 

I'm calling lawyers on Wednesday.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

For all the women out there...Where are the following things on the spectrum of responsibility with young children? 

When WS and I separated, she took it upon herself to say to the kids:"mommy and daddy aren't in love anymore" (bomb drop!) and "mommy has a new boyfriend, just like kids sometimes do at school" (I was very upset about this - we were supposed to plan a statement together)

And she had OM move in right after I left for my trip.

Maybe there's a cultural difference? (We live in Europe.) But still.. I was outraged.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Find another women in the USA, and just be the best father you can for your european children via internet, phone, etc.

If your wife had any feelings for you, she would leave you alone to heal and become complete again, so that you could live your life as a whole human being. 

She seems to want to own ALL of you, right down to the blood, bones, and viscera. "Come back here to France/Spain and be my babysitter and maid to allow me free time to be a teenager again with my new dopamine fix, I mean, man, while I progressively grind you into nothing but DUST"

F all that.

Never go back, not unless your life is completely healed, and you are whole, with your balls and heart firmly in place, and with a new woman in your life.

Otherwise she will drain you dry like a Brown Recluse sucking some bug in its web dry.

Just my 2 cents, feel free to completely ignore it.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Thanks for the $.02, Spurned. 

I don't think I could be away from my daughters that long, but at the same time if I'm in the same shape when I go back, it's not going to be good. 

I wouldn't be able to take a new woman back with me to Europe. I don't have dual citizenship. (I was only one year away from getting it but now the citizenship through marriage route has been ruined.)


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## lil_shorty (Nov 27, 2012)

I am so sick of my husband turning the tv channel everytime I walk in the room. I feel like I don't know if I even know him anymore. HELP!!!!


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

> Before you do much else you should consider antidepressants and IC.


I have anti-D's but have not started taking them. I don't know, just a basic resistance. But I guess it's time.


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## lil_shorty (Nov 27, 2012)

timefor what?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

You need to get your ass home language or fear or whatever needs to be tossed out the window. 

Cause before long shes gonna have your children looking at you like public enemy number 1 with all she'll be telling them and she'll definitely try to get them to start calling OM daddy.

Nothing else matters, get home. 

Your wife is GONE. Stop being sad and rueful about stuff that you can't change. 

Only thing you do have is your children, so you can either wallow in self pity and let them be brainwashed by their mother and probably ruin their own marriages one day, or make sure they know who and what kind of man their father is.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

> Cause before long shes gonna have your children looking at you like public enemy number 1 with all she'll be telling them and she'll definitely try to get them to start calling OM daddy.


There's no precedent for this. If anything, she's worried about her rep. Why does everyone assume that STBX is going to do the absolute worst thing possible? Granted, she's cheated and decided to leave but that doesn't by default mean every other action she will take is going to be equally destructive. 

She's not going to have the kids start calling the OM "Daddy". They know who their dad is and it's not him. 



> timefor what?


Time to start taking the antidepressants.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

staystrong said:


> There's no precedent for this. If anything, she's worried about her rep. Why does everyone assume that STBX is going to do the absolute worst thing possible?QUOTE]
> 
> This is the cheater script. They protect their reputation by destroying yours.
> 
> ...


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## Traveller321 (Nov 26, 2012)

I really feel for you buddy. I am a Yank too, and lived in Europe for a while, however didn't get married or have kids there before moving back to the States. 

I'm seperated from my wife right now, though no kids fortunately. Neither of us are in another r/s, and may reconcile, but if I find out she is with another man during our seperation, I will put her in my rearview mirror so fast her head will spin. You need to dust yourself off and strap on the sixguns (figuratively). 

It is ashame you are away from your girls, that must be really rough, and I think it is a good ideas you are consulting with an attorney. She may have some skin in the game on this one, and if I were you I would pull every lever to make sure she fulfills her legal obligations.

Good luck!


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Ovid wrote:


> This is the cheater script. They protect their reputation by destroying yours.


When we had our last therapy session a couple of months ago, that was a concern. She had same about destroying us but also noticeable shame about what others think. Even if she says "I've stopped caring what others think."

Of the people who mutually know us, they know the story of her affair. Her family likes me and are shocked, even though they don't seem to openly challenge her on her decision. Who knows what she is telling others. Probably that I was "controlling" or something. I doubt she tells them things like "she was bored" as she has told me. Pffttt...


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

staystrong said:


> I have anti-D's but have not started taking them. I don't know, just a basic resistance. But I guess it's time.


Start taking them. They can sometimes take weeks to take effect. You don't have any spare time right now. If they don't work out, fine, but do take them, give them a chance to work, and assess from there.

This from a diagnosed bipolar with lots of experience with meds.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Thanks Traveller321,

Yeah, being dropped on my ass in another country is very difficult. Wife offers to "help" with bureaucratic stuff, but I won't accept it. She would love it if we could just be friends - she thinks we'll be friends down the road! Doubt that. 

Traveller321 wrote:


> but if I find out she is with another man during our seperation, I will put her in my rearview mirror so fast her head will spin.


From what I read on this board, she probably already is. I hate to say it.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

> Start taking them.


Starting tomorrow morning. It's definitely time. I'm worried about side effects, though.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

staystrong said:


> There's no precedent for this. If anything, she's worried about her rep. Why does everyone assume that STBX is going to do the absolute worst thing possible? Granted, she's cheated and decided to leave but that doesn't by default mean every other action she will take is going to be equally destructive.
> 
> She's not going to have the kids start calling the OM "Daddy". They know who their dad is and it's not him.
> 
> ...


Theres was also no precedent for abandoning her husband, having another man move in and taking the children. 

Harsh, but look what happened there. 

You need to realize you're in a war right now. Your 'wife' ,if you want to call her that, is definitely no ally. 

People 'assume' shes going to bad mouth you as shes already been making rationalizations. Didn't you say you two 'planned' on what to tell the children and then she just did her own thing anyways? Why would this be any different? To protect her image, she'll drag yours through the mud if necessary.

Plus kids are only 3 and 5. Still toddlers and while switching parental basis from a 5 yr old would be tough, the 3 year old is definitely susceptible. Since he'll/she'll be seeing OM in your house and acting as part of the family of every day unless you put a stop to this madness thats taking place. 

Also where is your rage? All there is is wishy washy hopes your wife will someday magically realize the error of her ways and commit to being a good wife. I'm sorry, but you need to accept the facts and move on.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Starting tomorrow morning. It's definitely time. I'm worried about side effects, though.


Don't wait 'til tomorrow morning. Take one _now._ You can take another tomorrow morning. A few hours doesn't make a difference. Just do it. You may be very glad you did, and won't regret it if they don't help. Just do it. You need to get going on this.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I hear you Kasler. And I'm here to learn from you and others. 

You're right, she probably already is bad-mouthing me to deflect off herself. She's done everything else (trickle truthed, gas lighted, etc.). I did slap her once - I lost control - so she has that card in her pocket. 

I guess I'm just irritable today (lack of sleep, nightmares) and sometimes I feel it's hard to compress a whole story into narrow slices. It seems uni-dimensional but I guess you guys have been in my situation before, right? You've seen the transformations. We probably all thought our spouses were the greatest.

Maybe I mis-spoke: She actually didn't "take" the children. I left for a two-month hiatus and OM moved in. (Nice, eh?) We were and will continue to share custody. Again, she has a self-interest in this (Free time!) so I can count on that happening. I can take that to the bank.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

staystrong said:


> She actually didn't "take" the children. I left for a two-month hiatus and OM moved in. (Nice, eh?


It's despicable. I'm very sorry man.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

staystrong said:


> I hear you Kasler. And I'm here to learn from you and others.
> 
> You're right, she *probably *already is bad-mouthing me to deflect off herself. She's done everything else (trickle truthed, gas lighted, etc.). I did slap her once - I lost control - so she has that card in her pocket.


Probably? And physical violence is never acceptable, no matter how provocative the other party is.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I regret slapping her. I was in a very bad place. Very depressed. I thought she was enjoying herself way too much compared to the hell I was going through. 

What gets me is that I don't feel I married a psychopath. I like her family, but I see how her childhood affected her (dad left mom for OW when my wife was 5 yrs old). I married a talented, beautiful woman who has a tendency to put herself first. Clearly, she has caused a lot of destruction but she's able to live with it. It's hard for me to put myself in those shoes. The "life is complicated" shoes - well, it is if you make it.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey staystrong------international laws are meaningless---each country has its law, and each country, and each state has its own extradition laws, has it own extradition laws----next time you have girls, for a period of time---pack them up, and bring them back to the states, and DISAPPEAR----let your wife go thru the cost of trying to find you and force you back--------any state in this country---would find her UNFIT-----just bring your kids home, and then see where the chips fall---I promise you no jury will ever find you guilty of anything, here in the states-------


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I've researched the international laws. (Look up "Hague Convention Parental Abduction") and determined it is not in the best interests of either me or my kids. Talk about escalating the hardship for them.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Kasler wrote:


> Also where is your rage?


I have a lot of that, too, on top of everything else. 

I'm not sure what to do with the rage, anger, etc. It's only temporarily motivational and then <bam> another emotion hits (sadness, grief, jealousy).


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