# A Hello and help with dealing with Isolation



## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Hello All!
New here and a brief introduction:

Married 20 years ago. First 10 were pretty good. STBXH had an affair almost 9 yrs ago. That ended; we trudged on. 

Due to many circumstances, I asked for separation last June, only to find out in Sept. that another affair had been going on since March or April from phone records  (sheesh...gets them everytime! lol)

Anywho...I am now living in an apartment with my DD17 and DS19 (my choice; marital home is a $$$ pit now up for short sale).

Divorce filed by me in April with 90day wait period for finalization.

In Nov of 2014 after DD17's graduation, I am moving back to my hometown with my DD17  :smthumbup:

But until then, my issue has been the isolation. I am living in an area away from my hometown with no family close. Most of my friends here are married or committed so it's weird not being "a couple." And I think some have written me off, afraid divorce is contagious!!

I am a manager at a small retail store and my shifts are solo so I spend 40 hrs alone at work then come home to my dear kids, who at 17 and 19, aren't keen on spending every night with mom! LOL Really?!? The area I live in is rural.

Hoping to make some online friends and find out more ideas on how to deal with feeling lonely and isolated while going through divorce.

Nice to meet everyone 

LivingAgain


----------



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Sorry to hear of your predicament. Being alone and isolated can be a good thing...but you have to really go after your thought patterns. Basically, choosing to see it as a good time to get to know yourself, God (if you ascribe to such beliefs), and to dream new visions and goals. When you are alone...it is easy to start thinking that it is a reflection of your worth and allow it to add to your pain...and then we may even isolate further, seek self-medicating behavior (eating, booze, pain meds, obsessiveness).

I know...as I am dealing with my own soon-to-be-divorce 'cos of my wife's infidelity. Finances had dictated for a season that we have to cohabitate...but even as amicable as we have been to each other...I must admit I feel isolated...as we now are basically cooperatively doing own own thing(s)...and I am preparing for a life of my own after 16 years of marriage. It is very hard.

I started going to a new church. Many have suggested for those alone to seek a community within the ranks of a club or group activity.

I am fairly new here too, but I do extend a welcome.


----------



## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Hi FormerSelf!

Thanks for your reply. It must be so hard to cohabitate.

I have chosen to use this time to self-reflect and plan my new future. But some days I just want companionship. But this too shall pass...I have tried several churches but none seemed to fit; many older folks here. Was hoping for peers to be able to connect with. I think I may need to find some volunteer opportunities for me and DD to participate in!

STBXH and I tried to cohabitate for financial reasons after separation talk but through last summer he kept leaving for weekends and DD17 started to ask questions, was really upset and not eating, etc. He left us several times with no money or car out in the middle of a rural area where our closest store is 15 miles away. I asked him several times if there was an OW and got denials, denials, denials....

Now that I had to move out for the sake of my kid's well-being, he could not pay mortgage and house is short sale and we are screwed credit wise. Thanks!!

Most of the divorce group meetings are too far away.

Nice meeting you! I wish you the best and peace in your life


----------



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Well I work odd hours...and basically community resource help really isn't available to me for those reasons. To be honest, I have found a lot of perspective on these boards...a place where you can vent, cry...and get the smackdown by many who have been in the same place. Pity-parties get shut down here!

Luckily and sadly at the same time, we have no kids. But I am thankful that we are working out our stuff without departing in bitterness...where we can actually release each other in peace. I know this is a highly unusual scenario that offends more people than you think...more than the act of the divorce! :scratchhead: We are 30 days in our 90 day wait.

And I totally GET the feeling of the divorce-phobia that how some people respond. I know a number of friends who I KNOW would react that way...so I haven't even bothered to inform them. I get the companionship, or lack thereof dilemma.... For me, I've basically committed to inventory my shortcomings and shore them up...as I know I am nowhere near a healthy person to discern compromises in my integrity...risking an invite to persons or situations, that frankly, I don't need.

Volunteering, I think, is a very good idea. It is better to fill you time with things than to stew in your own bitter juices...but on the other hand, getting away to find your authentic center is vital as well. Whatever you know is HEALTHY for you.


----------



## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

I am glad you won't depart in bitterness. That is always helpful for moving forward.

I am almost 30 days into our 90 (it was May not April...time gets away from me!)

Thanks for the welcome and I looked forward to the advice, support and necessary smack-downs


----------

