# "I didn't think of my spouse at all"??



## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

As I'm reading several of the newer threads here, a common theme seems to come from the WS, and I wondered if the more experienced vets have seen this too, or have a rationale behind it:

The wayward spouse, in attempting to rugsweep, says they just never honestly thought of their spouse or the hurt it would cause. I know that when my wife was texting the OM like mad, texts to me were down considerably. I always thought it might be guilt keeping her away, but are the effects of an affair so strong that they actually could forget they are married while in the thick of their dopamine high?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I don't think they forget they are married. They just don't care.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

Openminded said:


> I don't think they forget they are married. They just don't care.


Yep.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

InlandTXMM said:


> As I'm reading several of the newer threads here, a common theme seems to come from the WS, and I wondered if the more experienced vets have seen this too, or have a rationale behind it:
> 
> The wayward spouse, in attempting to rugsweep, says they just never honestly thought of their spouse or the hurt it would cause. I know that when my wife was texting the OM like mad, texts to me were down considerably. I always thought it might be guilt keeping her away, but are the effects of an affair so strong that they actually could forget they are married while in the thick of their dopamine high?


Status. OM/OW takes a higher status in their mind. They have to keep that contact because they become that important in their lives. It's not that they forget, it's just the lower status means the partner is just not as important.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

I completely agree. My WH said that when he was in the moment, he NEVER thought of me/us and the hurt it would cause. He claims he never viewed it as cheating and only as chatting. After Dday and while in counseling he has realized the depth of his damage and is very remorseful. But, it really hurts that while he was participating, that he never thought of me and the damage he was doing to our marriage. 

As they say everything comes out in the wash and this sure enough did. I wish waywards would stop and think of their spouses and the havoc it wrecks on a marriage, trust and loyalty. I have to say no piece of @ss is worth it! I still sit in disbelief that this has happened to us!


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

It's priorities. They started giving the AP higher priority from when they first connected and it usually get's stronger over time. Look at the WS's that will openly see their AP even after confrontation, or divorce is in motion. They don't care what the BS, or anyone else thinks, or has to say about their blatant disregard for what's acceptable, or expected of them.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

two words:

Pure
Selfishness


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

brokenhearted118 said:


> I completely agree. My WH said that when he was in the moment, he NEVER thought of me/us and the hurt it would cause. He claims he never viewed it as cheating and only as chatting. After Dday and while in counseling he has realized the depth of his damage and is very remorseful. But, it really hurts that while he was participating, that he never thought of me and the damage he was doing to our marriage.
> 
> As they say everything comes out in the wash and this sure enough did. I wish waywards would stop and think of their spouses and the havoc it wrecks on a marriage, trust and loyalty. I have to say no piece of @ss is worth it! I still sit in disbelief that this has happened to us!


brokenhearted118, I'm sorry if this out of line, or too personal, but I have to say it. When I look at you avatar picture I have to wonder what your Husband was really thinking. Then it becomes obvious to me, he wasn't really thinking.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

LanieB said:


> They never forget they're married, they just purposefully push the thought to the back of their minds - compartmentalizing. I was just sitting here thinking this very thought. People in affairs are leading double lives. They are one person for their spouses, and a completely different person for their AP's. When they are with AP's, the learn to NEVER think of their spouses. That would be a real "downer" and might accidentally make them feel guilty.


Bingo. Exact wording from Regret when asked in MC how she could function. The compartmentalizing/double life is precisely it.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> brokenhearted118, I'm sorry if this out of line, or too personal, but I have to say it. When I look at you avatar picture I have to wonder what your Husband was really thinking. Then it becomes obvious to me, he wasn't really thinking.


I'm sure she gets that a lot, but I wondered the same thing. WTH was your husband thinking?!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Openminded said:


> I don't think they forget they are married. They just don't care.


It's complicated. There are many reasons why people cheat.

Some cheat, but care very much. Some convince themselves that they don't care, but they do really. Some do not care.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> It's complicated. There are many reasons why people cheat.
> 
> Some cheat, but care very much. Some convince themselves that they don't care, but they do really. Some do not care.


I get that it would have to be complicated, but I cannot accept that you can care about your spouse while at the same time engaged in hot passionate sex with someone else. Those two just do NOT compute. At least, they wouldn't in a mentally healthy person.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Thank you for your compliments. Truth be told, that is NOT my pic. I just happen to look very much like her and for the sake of anonymity, I have chosen her pic as opposed to my very own for my avatar. 

I do appreciate the nice sentiments, but the funny thing is, I do consider myself an attractive and intelligent woman. I have often questioned why my H would do this, but then I see celebrities, like Eva Longoria, Kim Kardashian, Tiger Woods wife and many others and realize, it is not about me. These women are beautiful and their SO's cheat on them too. The cold hard truth is that no one is safe from infidelity. I feel sorry for my WH, it was his issues, his strifes and his insecurities. Ultimately, his actions shattered me and he is left to live with the guilt and remorse of his betrayal . Trust me fellas, he knows very clearly that there is NO 2nd chance here. If he fvcks up again, I will show him the door and kick his @ss to the curb faster than you can shake your head. Fingers crossed that he stays on the straight and narrow, cause lord knows I love him deeply. Time will tell.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

InlandTXMM said:


> I get that it would have to be complicated, but I cannot accept that you can care about your spouse while at the same time engaged in hot passionate sex with someone else. Those two just do NOT compute. At least, they wouldn't in a mentally healthy person.


Well you see, I cheated on my wife. But I cared about her very much. 

But I think you have struck on a very important point.



> Those two just do NOT compute. At least, they wouldn't in a mentally healthy person.


I was not mentally healthy at that time. Though I was not aware of that fact, then.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

This to me goes along the same line with how the WS also is more concerned with "hurting" the OW/OM. I know my H called me vindictive on DD#2 because I sent an email to his OW telling her to **** off...he thought that was inappropriate to send to his precious OW. His OW continued contact with him for 6 months all the while knowing he was married and I was the "vindictive" one......


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

My WS says he "wasn't thinking straight." He has a hard time explaining it. He's still working on it. It doesn't make sense to him either.

He definitely compartmentalized, kept his two lives completely separate. That kind of "shifting gears" between the compartments has to keep a person from being whole. So you're not only deceiving others, you're not being fully truthful with yourself, because you're keeping parts of yourself from being integrated. That's definitely not a state of good mental health.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think many of the WS's are on high lust/infatuation alert and this overwhelms everything. They are driven and reactive and the BS is background noise to them. BS's need to remember, imo, that WS's fade out not only the BS and the marriage, but also the children, the extended families, their friends, and their work. They are often so driven that they risk literally everything. And they sometimes lose everything. (I honestly have more understanding for the neglect of the BS than the neglect of the children.)


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/70689-now-i-eat-cake-home.html


This sums it up for me POS that I was

I was lust addicted I rationalized her putting me at the end of the pritority list. Imagine a mother of four little ones taking the best care of her children mother could do.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

brokenhearted118 said:


> Thank you for your compliments. Truth be told, that is NOT my pic. I just happen to look very much like her and for the sake of anonymity, I have chosen her pic as opposed to my very own for my avatar.
> 
> I do appreciate the nice sentiments, but the funny thing is, I do consider myself an attractive and intelligent woman. I have often questioned why my H would do this, but then I see celebrities, like Eva Longoria, Kim Kardashian, Tiger Woods wife and many others and realize, it is not about me. These women are beautiful and their SO's cheat on them too. The cold hard truth is that no one is safe from infidelity. I feel sorry for my WH, it was his issues, his strifes and his insecurities. Ultimately, his actions shattered me and he is left to live with the guilt and remorse of his betrayal . Trust me fellas, he knows very clearly that there is NO 2nd chance here. If he fvcks up again, I will show him the door and kick his @ss to the curb faster than you can shake your head. Fingers crossed that he stays on the straight and narrow, cause lord knows I love him deeply. Time will tell.


I'm sorry. I just assumed that the photo was of you. I notice a few other posters here that have, what I believe, is a photo of themselves. And many of them, women and man, definatley ain't chopped liver. It boggles my mind. I think it has alot to do with the society that we now live in. If it's faster than fast, shinier than new, we have to have it, now. At all costs.

This is probably why I left my 32' TV behind when I moved 5 years ago and never replaced it. It got to a point where I could only watch TV for about a half an hour and the commercials alone were depressing me. And don't get me started on reality TV..


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> It's complicated. There are many reasons why people cheat.
> 
> Some cheat, but care very much. Some convince themselves that they don't care, but they do really. Some do not care.


AGREED 


InlandTXMM said:


> I get that it would have to be complicated, but I cannot accept that you can care about your spouse while at the same time engaged in hot passionate sex with someone else. Those two just do NOT compute. At least, they wouldn't in a mentally healthy person.


LIFE IS NOT BLACK AND WHITE.......I'll agree mentally healthy is a big piece, but how do you define that?



MattMatt said:


> Well you see, I cheated on my wife. But I cared about her very much.
> 
> But I think you have struck on a very important point.
> 
> ...


Clarify?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

My XW certainly didn't forget that she was married. That is why she lied and tried to keep it a secret.  Other people finding out was, for some reason, very uncomfortable for her. Obviously, during her cheating she either thought she was too smart to get caught or that her trail was well covered or I was too stupid- who knows. When I started telling people why we were divorcing, she lied as much as person can and told people that I had lost it.


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

No, these WS geniuses didn't think of their spouse at all. Or just didn't care. One of the two.


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## goshjosh (Mar 23, 2013)

Re: comments that the BS is good looking / not chipped liver. The grass is greener because the WS isn't doing an apples to apples comparison. They are comparing an actual real-life spouse to a fantasy. That fantasy doesn't have to do taxes with you. Doesn't have to decide where to go for dinner. Doesn't have to do laundry. Clean up around the house. Etc. etc. the fantasy just showers them with affection and pleasantries. 
It's not about looks. The WS has a hole in their life. Something is not right and they cannot find a way to fix it themselves. They resent their BS for not providing everything to fill that hole. They seek out anyone, even someone uglier and heavier, to feed that hole.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Malcolm38 said:


> No, these WS geniuses didn't think of their spouse at all. Or just didn't care. One of the two.


Ouch. Speaking as a WS "genius" I can say I did think of my husband, but it was more along the lines of "he doesn't care about ME. Why should I care about HIM?" Stupid stupid stupid and juvenile but it is the truth. He doesn't want my love, om does.

I continued doing all the things I had always done: sex, laundry, cooking, cleaning. But I stopped initiating affection and conversations and gave all of my mental energy to om.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think there are some people that in the back of their mind think that once the vows are spoken their spouse isn't going anywhere. Like once you mix up your life you're stuck. This becomes an excuse to treat them like all kinds of dirt, thinking that they can always go back to the spouse when it suits them. That's why it's so important for a person to know their spouse will dump them if they're not treated well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goshjosh (Mar 23, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I think there are some people that in the back of their mind think that once the vows are spoken their spouse isn't going anywhere. Like once you mix up your life you're stuck. This becomes an excuse to treat them like all kinds of dirt, thinking that they can always go back to the spouse when it suits them. That's why it's so important for a person to know their spouse will dump them if they're not treated well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is so very true. It explains why the WS can't just grow some balls/ovaries and ask for a D before F-ing around. They think they can have the A and have the marriage...cake eating...maybe they will get bored of the AP and they have this safe, secure place to land. Ultimately, they are afraid of being alone. Which is why when the BS threatens D, it is such a shock to the system.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

I think the tendency to take each other for granted is so common, it gives the more selfish, "taking" spouse a sense that they can wander off - their spouse will still be there when they wander back.

Two weird analogies just came to mind.

The first is that the BS becomes so predictable and stagnant that the WS actually does lose sight of them. When I commute to work each day, the highway is littered with billboards and signs. After a few trips, most of those signs go completely unnoticed by my mind. They just fade into the background and become part of the scenery. But as soon as they finally change the sign, I notice it again. I think as a spouse that is TOO comfortable, TOO predictable, we suffer the same sort of fate - we just become part of the background to a WS always seeking out something new.

I know this is true for my wife and many women. Where men tend to get comfortable and settle in, women get bored. I never have the urge to switch my wallets out every few weeks for one of a different color. Yet my wife does. My hairstyle can stay the same for decades. Hers is a parade of different lengths and colors. I wear my clothes out and then buy new ones. She stays aware of fashion trends.

When a man gets too predictable, I believe the wife gets bored quickly. It is her constant need for newness that makes her easy prey for an affair. Not sure why a man would do it, because I don't think like that.

The other analogy kind of makes sense in relation to some of the discussion in threads about the WS starting to see the BS as some kind of parent instead of a lover. There is real danger in ever telling your spouse you have "unconditional love" for them. That is something a parent says to a child, not a lover to a lover. The conditions for marriage REQUIRE boundaries and restrictions. Hence, the need for vows.

Like rebellious children, WS will wander away from their "parent", and feel pretty safe doing it, because they believe their "parent" is, at the end of the day, going to forgive them. That's why it can be such a shock to the WS when slapped with the reality that the BS's love was NOT unconditional, that there ARE boundaries that can be violated (whether clearly spelled out or not), and that the damage they do to the relationship may be irreparable.

Maybe it's just too early on a Monday morning without enough coffee for this to make sense. It did before I started typing it out. LOL


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

BTW, that's why, if you read things like NMMNG and MMSL, it tells you you need to destabilize the marriage every so often. Not in a threatening way, because that's not fair.

Just be unpredictable at times. Men, go for a new hairstyle without telling her. Change up your wardrobe. Grow a goatee (or shave it). Work out. Go out for a drink with the guys instead of come home and become part of the recliner every night. Take up your hobbies and interests without her blessing.

Having her guess what you are up to a little bit can be a VERY good thing to rebuild attraction. It freaked my wife out the first time I told her I went out for drinks without telling her. According to her, "That's not like you." That's when I knew for sure I needed to do more things like that - she thought she had me completely figured out. She doesn't and now has the new challenge of rediscovering me.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

I think most cheating happens because the cheater is indeed capable of separating their worlds. 

Thinking about their vile behavior requires looking at themselves in a less than positive light. They obviously know it is wrong, or it wouldn't be hidden behind lies and mistruth. If they are so low that they needed cheating for self validation, I imagine it would be pretty hard to face their self-destuctive actions. That would really rain on their narcissistic me-parade. Some may actually believe it when they say "I wasn't taking anything away from you" and "I never intended to hurt you". 

Thinking about the spouse being betrayed, in a real way, would cause the disloyal spouse to blend their fantasy with the hideous reality of what their doing. 

Cheaters are carrying a picture of themselves, and like Dorian Gray, prefer not to look at themselves. The affair partner is just a mirror which reflects a positive image. 

I've read about some people that claim to get off on what they're doing when betraying their spouse, thinking about the betrayed spouse enhances their experience. People like that are twisted beyond the pale.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

InlandTXMM said:


> BTW, that's why, if you read things like NMMNG and MMSL, it tells you you need to destabilize the marriage every so often. Not in a threatening way, because that's not fair.
> 
> Just be unpredictable at times. Men, go for a new hairstyle without telling her. Change up your wardrobe. Grow a goatee (or shave it). Work out. Go out for a drink with the guys instead of come home and become part of the recliner every night. Take up your hobbies and interests without her blessing.
> 
> Having her guess what you are up to a little bit can be a VERY good thing to rebuild attraction. It freaked my wife out the first time I told her I went out for drinks without telling her. According to her, "That's not like you." That's when I knew for sure I needed to do more things like that - she thought she had me completely figured out. She doesn't and now has the new challenge of rediscovering me.


I haven't read either book but I would have to say that I concur 100%. Now that I am approaching 40 and I have sadly witnessed the failed marriages of many friends and acquaintances. There are several instances that were head scratchers. The wives woke up one day and said they were no longer attracted to them. In each one of these cases the husbands from the outside appeared to be completely selfless devoted husbands and fathers with no life outside their relationship. One of them was a really close friend that basically would scold me when I would go to a ball game with the guys or head to the pub after work on occasion. I guess there is something to the unpredictability thing.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I haven't read either book but I would have to say that I concur 100%. Now that I am approaching 40 and I have sadly witnessed the failed marriages of many friends and acquaintances. There are several instances that were head scratchers. The wives woke up one day and said they were no longer attracted to them. In each one of these cases the husbands from the outside appeared to be completely selfless devoted husbands and fathers with no life outside their relationship. One of them was a really close friend that basically would scold me when I would go to a ball game with the guys or head to the pub after work on occasion. I guess there is something to the unpredictability thing.


... to his great peril, sadly. Women do NOT have respect or attraction for men who are just like parasitic extensions of her.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

When it comes to compartmentalizing their actions. There is gender equality.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

InlandTXMM said:


> The wayward spouse, in attempting to rugsweep, says *they just never honestly thought of their spouse or the hurt it would cause*.
> 
> . . . are the effects of an affair so strong that they actually could forget they are married while in the thick of their dopamine high?


Oh, I believe this without reservation!

The fabricated business trips, hidden photos, deleted texts and call histories, emotional detachment from me and our home, and etcetera, were simply due to an extended series of unfortunate coincidences.

Also, after D-Day, when I was told nothing ever really happened, and she didn't care for him at all, that I "saved" her from making the worst mistake of her life: I believe this is her true recollection of events. The trauma she endured while screwing him at his house and on all of those business trips must've been horrendous to inflict such an extreme amnestic response. I feel awful for her.

I know it may seem that adulterers think about you all the time while they are plotting the myriad methods they use to deceive you; but, we should believe them when they say they never really thought about us at all, because, in the end, doesn't that make us feel SO much better?


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

JustGrinding said:


> Oh, I believe this without reservation!
> 
> The fabricated business trips, hidden photos, deleted texts and call histories, emotional detachment from me and our home, and etcetera, were simply due to an extended series of unfortunate coincidences.
> 
> ...


I could cut the sarcasm with a butter knife. LOL


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

My stbxh justified his affairs by convincing himself our marriage was over and that I didn't love him. He was partly right.

After years of porn, alcohol, strip clubs, racking up thousands of dollars in debt (both in my face and behind my back), yes, I shut down. 

So basically, he treats me like garbage, causing me to withdraw, then uses the withdrawal as an excuse to find someone to make him "feel like a man" because I "don't love him".

Apparently giving up my career, moving thousands of miles away from my family & friends to be with him, giving him access to all my money (STUPID!), doing all the "wifely" things (companionship, friendship, sex, housekeeping, errand running, making sure bills were paid, worked with him to repair his severely damaged credit - putting debts in MY name which he didn't pay and I ended up being sued over it) AND having his baby were not enough "signs" of how much I loved him. Apparently I was also expected to be a porn superstar, who was ready, willing and able AT ALL TIMES!

Oh, I was thought of - just not cared for.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

ScorchedEarth said:


> My stbxh justified his affairs by convincing himself our marriage was over and that I didn't love him. He was partly right.
> 
> After years of porn, alcohol, strip clubs, racking up thousands of dollars in debt (both in my face and behind my back), yes, I shut down.
> 
> ...


I'm curious - what did he give you to make you want to sacrifice so much of yourself to his interests and needs? What was your trade-off?


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Young and naive. No real trade off. I just fell in "love".

I was 19 when we first met and 22 when we married. He is 7 years older than me, so far more experienced in the world than I. 

My husband is highly educated (three degrees and a doctorate). He uses his intellect to manipulate just about anyone he wants to. Because he was the first in his family to achieve such status, they treat him like some sort of deity. He has been bull****ting people for years, even admits it. Sad to say, I fell for his persona too. 

By the time I realized what I had done, I felt trapped & afraid. Trapped financially, and quite frankly by my own pride. I didn't want to be divorced. Marriage is supposed to be forever. Maybe if I gave just a little more... I always held out hope it would get better. Even though it made me feel so inadequate, I just resigned myself to the fact that in this day and age, porn is just a fact of life. Men will look. Get over it. 
He'd get on his knees, apologize, cry, promise to never to do it again... until the next time. 

I think ultimately, I just don't think enough of myself. I'm not pretty, and while I look ok when "dolled up", we live in a college town, with young, pretty little cheerleader/prom queen types all over the place. I guess part of me felt grateful (?). I have my issues, and I wonder now, if he saw that and swooped in. Weak prey is easy pickings.

It's really weird because I used to be confident and outgoing. I don't know what happened. I guess the years of bad behavior wore me down.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I looked at it, and told her, from a strict factual basis.... Paraphrased below... 
*You intentionally, with careful thought and consideration, were out to hurt me, this family and this marriage. * If you didn’t think about it at all, why hide it? I mean, you failed to share you had conversations and even knew these guys, deleted the phone logs, texts, emails... You had to come up with alibi’s and excuses I’d believe so you could meet. You even went so far as to actually do, with verifiable evidence what you told me just forgetting to mention the unaccounted for time and what you did after. You had to plan out what to wear, how to sneak it out, and how to change and clean up before you came home. When out, you had to plan it around places no one might recognize you. You had to excuse yourself and find someplace quiet to answer my phone calls wondering where you were so I wouldn’t hear bar noises or a tv or whatever in the background to raise suspicion. You needed excuses why you were unavailable. You had to take off and hide your ring. And on and on... every single time you interacted with them, I was there in your head, and there was a conscience thought about how to keep me out. “I never thought about you when I was with him.” Bull.... you had to think about it before, during and after. You have to think about it now. You had to face me, and lie. Hell, you probably practiced it over and over to be convincing. Thinking you weren’t out to deceive and hurt me is a delusion. *You intentionally, with careful thought and consideration, were out to hurt me, this family and this marriage. *

I can even pin-point lows in the marriage with highs in her outside relationships.​
Basically, they think about it (and us) all the time. Every action screams it.... 

They just choose to attempt to focus on avoiding any ramification for doing what they knew was going to be really, really bad. Isn’t it much nicer to believe a fantasy that it doesn’t affect the marriage than face the reality that it will probably doom it and destroy this person you love. They just prefer the nice story.... it isn’t as monstrous as the facts. Clear, deliberate choices they don’t want to own. I can’t stand it when people won’t own their own decisions that they know intentionally hurt others.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MrMathias said:


> I think most cheating happens because the cheater is indeed capable of separating their worlds.
> 
> Thinking about their vile behavior requires looking at themselves in a less than positive light. They obviously know it is wrong, or it wouldn't be hidden behind lies and mistruth. If they are so low that they needed cheating for self validation, I imagine it would be pretty hard to face their self-destuctive actions. That would really rain on their narcissistic me-parade. Some may actually believe it when they say "I wasn't taking anything away from you" and "I never intended to hurt you".
> 
> ...


And yet some people can snap out of the fog almost in an instant. Why the difference? What is happening, there? Why can some people maintain two separate personalities for a long period of time when some cannot?


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> And yet some people can snap out of the fog almost in an instant. Why the difference? What is happening, there? Why can some people maintain two separate personalities for a long period of time when some cannot?


I'm not sure. My disloyal had a nice case of 'Failed/False R'... naturally I'm having trouble with that. I think she was having trouble maintaining her Jekyll/Hyde lifestyle. I'm sure some cheaters accept that they're cheaters and it doesn't conflict with their self-identity. I've met people that know they're azzholes and accept it, no reason a cheater can't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Throwing my hat in the ring - my WS shared the same traits. I asked her how she could come home, see my pain, lie to me, reassure me... Then go off and be with another man behind my back. She said when she was away from home, it was like a different life. She didn't connect those worlds.

I don't see how this was possible, but maybe as someone mentioned earlier, they are just not in their right minds. Or maybe they're being selfish, cold, calculating... Out for whatever makes them feel good. For most of them it's probably a mix, but explaining it away as some fantasy doesn't sit well with me. Your fantasy was my nightmare, and I'm still living in it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

My STBXH had EAs for years with lots of different women. I found out about every one of them and confronted him, asked him to stop, told him it was hurting our marriage big time. He told me to basically take a hike. I was trying to control him, etc.

Fast forward to last summer. I kick him out after he violates every boundary I set. A few months later he's seeing a "friend". He keeps dating me, telling me he loves me, wants to work on our marriage etc.

I recently found out the entire time he has been having a sexual relationship with this "friend" and she has posted a blow by picture blow on facebook for all the world to see, including our friends and family. He lied to me point blank all along. But kept me on the backburner for what reason I can't even begin to understand.

He broke up with the OW a few mths ago and then she told him she was pregnant. I was shocked and disgusted he was stupid enough not to use protection. Just floored.

Since then he has been telling me "I never meant to hurt you". I want us to be together again. I always loved you.

I have texts he sent me saying "I love you" and ten minutes later she is posting, via cellphone, a lovey dovey pic of them together on facebook. Who does this?

In my mind his ass is fried - me divorcing him and him having to pay over half of his pay in child and spousal support, and now he will have to pay a huge chunk of child support to her.

But he never meant to hurt me.

He still does not understand the gravity of what he has done and the damage he has caused his family. It can never be repaired. I filed last week.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

brokenbythis said:


> My STBXH had EAs for years with lots of different women. I found out about every one of them and confronted him, asked him to stop, told him it was hurting our marriage big time. He told me to basically take a hike. I was trying to control him, etc.
> 
> Fast forward to last summer. I kick him out after he violates every boundary I set. A few months later he's seeing a "friend". He keeps dating me, telling me he loves me, wants to work on our marriage etc.
> 
> ...


So how does he explain his continued actions, as "never meaning to hurt you" (as if that helps - you don't mean to hurt anyone when you accidentally hit them with your car, but the damage is done)? How does he justify going back again and again when you outright SAID to him: "This hurts me! Stop it!"

F'ing cheaters.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

InlandTXMM said:


> So how does he explain his continued actions, as "never meaning to hurt you" (as if that helps - you don't mean to hurt anyone when you accidentally hit them with your car, but the damage is done)? How does he justify going back again and again when you outright SAID to him: "This hurts me! Stop it!"
> 
> F'ing cheaters.


He says "I don't know why". He can't/wont give me an answer.


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

My wife said she didn't when she was with the OM. She claims it was like a drug addiction. She was addicted to the feeling she got and that was all. She didn't love him he was just giving her something she was not getting from me at the time, which is true. She admits that is no excuse and is remorseful. I still have a lot of issues with everything almost 5 years later. She claimed it wasn't for the sex which was only one time, that's when she realized she messed up, and I found out about it a week later.
I still have a hard time believing she did what she did. She always hated people that cheated and I never thought she would be capable of doing what she did. We had a lot of issues and I was a bad husband at the time, but like she said it was no excuse. 
I guess one of the things that really bothers me is 18-20 years ago when we was first married there was about a 7-10 year period where she was not big on sex. Later on it changed and we became very close. Then things went to crap again. I look back at those years when I was young and in my prime and the times I had thought about leaving or even cheating but stuck it out. Then we have issues again down the road when she needs something and she chooses to have an affair. Where is the justice? 
I think that is part of my problem now when I think about a revenge affair or divorce. The strange part is I seemed to be okay for several years and now all the sudden it has been a issue that comes and goes again. I have good days and bad days. Maybe it would be good for me to go back to IC for a while. I will stop with my rant now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

nxs450 said:


> My wife said she didn't when she was with the OM. She claims it was like a drug addiction. She was addicted to the feeling she got and that was all. She didn't love him he was just giving her something she was not getting from me at the time, which is true. She admits that is no excuse and is remorseful. I still have a lot of issues with everything almost 5 years later. She claimed it wasn't for the sex which was only one time, that's when she realized she messed up, and I found out about it a week later.
> I still have a hard time believing she did what she did. She always hated people that cheated and I never thought she would be capable of doing what she did. We had a lot of issues and I was a bad husband at the time, but like she said it was no excuse.
> I guess one of the things that really bothers me is 18-20 years ago when we was first married there was about a 7-10 year period where she was not big on sex. Later on it changed and we became very close. Then things went to crap again. I look back at those years when I was young and in my prime and the times I had thought about leaving or even cheating but stuck it out. Then we have issues again down the road when she needs something and she chooses to have an affair. Where is the justice?
> I think that is part of my problem now when I think about a revenge affair or divorce. The strange part is I seemed to be okay for several years and now all the sudden it has been a issue that comes and goes again. I have good days and bad days. Maybe it would be good for me to go back to IC for a while. I will stop with my rant now.


Why do people hate cheaters and then cheat themselves? Perhaps because they recognise in the cheaters a potential to cheat themselves and that they are scared of what they feel they are capable of doing?:scratchhead:


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Why do people hate cheaters and then cheat themselves? Perhaps because they recognise in the cheaters a potential to cheat themselves and that they are scared of what they feel they are capable of doing?:scratchhead:


I don't want a revenge affair, but I understand the feeling of injustice nxs described. It was the same for me: For years I was unhappy but devoted, open about my feelings, even warned her that I felt a hole in my life for a potential relationship to form, even though I never did or planned anything. Over years we had that go-around, and she even told me to go cheat. I told her no and I told her why. Now, down the line, my youngest years devoted entirely to herin good times and bad, she decides to change the rules on me. She didn't talk to me like I talked to her. She wasnt truthful, and she strayed the first time she got close to someone else. She said she hated cheaters too, but she tried to make me into one and became one herself.

Where's the justice? I did things right, maybe not everything, but I didn't deserve this. I live in a college town, could've been banging annoying college girls for the past decade, but instead I stayed faithful to a woman who shut down, wasn't open with me, wasn't intimate with me, and betrayed me when I needed her most. So yes, I understand those feelings, but I know no good can come of it if I really want to R. Not sure what I want, but I still know what's right, and through the affair, before during after, I was still the one fighting for our relationship and being left out to dry for my trouble.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Why do people hate cheaters and then cheat themselves? Perhaps because they recognise in the cheaters a potential to cheat themselves and that they are scared of what they feel they are capable of doing?:scratchhead:


Yes I can see how that could be the case. I don't really believe she thought she was capable of cheating. It snuck up on her and then escalated very fast. That's the way I see it anyway, I could be wrong though. I know before we were married she had a few boyfriends that dumped her for someone else. Maybe they cheated before they dumped her?
All I know is the thoughts I been having recently are very strong and painful. It's like I feel there needs to be some kind of justice for what she did, but there is good outcome from everything I think of. It kind of feels like she ruined our life together and I'm the one stuck trying to make the best of it!
I know she does everything that a good cheating wife is supposed to do. But I don't ever see the pain, or hurt in her like I am feeling. Like she says about the things I have done and what she did, "I just choose not to think about it or dwell on it". Well good for you I wish it was that easy for me!


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Having known my husband since childhood, I know he has always been a risk-taker, probably getting some kind of adrenalin rush from the risks he took, whether they were physical, mental or legal. Most important, he got away without any consequences, many of the things he did that were highly questionable. Doesn't take much to see how that would play in a marriage. Recently found out after a 21 month false reconciliation that he had a ONS with a ***** before we married but were living together, an affair after the birth of 3rd child and then a 3rd affair which I caught, after 27 years of marriage...obviously getting away with one, then the second, easily allowed him to initiate a 3rd A: no consequences! I know this history does not bode well for future success of our marriage. I agree with the posters who claim cheaters have holes in their psyches, have lost their souls. They are so disconnected with their own emotions and motivations they cannot possibly empathize with their spouse. They truly believe that if it feels good, do it! without any consideration for their spouses, families or their own character, values or honor.


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

:iagree:


brokenhearted118 said:


> Thank you for your compliments. Truth be told, that is NOT my pic. I just happen to look very much like her and for the sake of anonymity, I have chosen her pic as opposed to my very own for my avatar.
> 
> I do appreciate the nice sentiments, but the funny thing is, I do consider myself an attractive and intelligent woman. I have often questioned why my H would do this, but then I see celebrities, like Eva Longoria, Kim Kardashian, Tiger Woods wife and many others and realize, it is not about me. These women are beautiful and their SO's cheat on them too. The cold hard truth is that no one is safe from infidelity. I feel sorry for my WH, it was his issues, his strifes and his insecurities. Ultimately, his actions shattered me and he is left to live with the guilt and remorse of his betrayal . Trust me fellas, he knows very clearly that there is NO 2nd chance here. If he fvcks up again, I will show him the door and kick his @ss to the curb faster than you can shake your head. Fingers crossed that he stays on the straight and narrow, cause lord knows I love him deeply. Time will tell.


:iagree:

ditto.......it is them, not us....shame it makes us feel so low


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

I often asked the question of the WW.

Answer: two completely separate lives. She was two different people (would spin yarn about me seeing real one). 

For what it's worth - I do believe that the WS becomes a split personality. She knew she was married, house kids etc. Their she was one person. Then outside of that, she became different.

Part of the issue may be that the WS can CHOOSE who they are with the OM/OW, merely switching off their regular life.


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