# Being on TAM



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Hubby caught me on TAM last night, happened to come up behind me when I was on the Divorce section. he got all upset with me and asked why would I be looking at this, am I thinking of divorcing him.
:frown2:
I told him TAM is a good site for looking at marriage issues (which it is) it is good to get some understanding of issues from others. 
I hope he doesn't decide to go snooping :surprise:


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My gf hates for me to be on tam. I do spend too much time on here, but it helps me dig out all the trash in my head left over from my divorce. I even texted her a quote I read here today.....
Often some gems of wisdom here if one reads carefully.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I read many threads and forums that I personally don't need help with.

There is a lot of hard earned wisdom here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*TAM's many issues of marriage, infidelity, and of general discussion topics, are worth the sheer price of admission!


But the many friends that I've met here, that I've both laughed and cried with, have been beyond priceless!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I've learned more about men, women, marriage and tools to recover from infidelity (as long as the WS is also on board) here in the last two years than I learned the previous 4 years.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> I read many threads and forums that I personally don't need help with.
> 
> There is a lot of hard earned wisdom here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Totally agree!!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I've read and commented on many threads that don't apply to my situation. I've also found a lot of very good advice here. But - I really would not want my wife to read some of the things I have posted. I've complained a lot about our sex life, but I think she is doing the best she can, and I see no reason to make her feel bad.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

aine said:


> Hubby caught me on TAM last night, happened to come up behind me when I was on the Divorce section. he got all upset with me and asked why would I be looking at this, am I thinking of divorcing him.
> :frown2:
> I told him TAM is a good site for looking at marriage issues (which it is) it is good to get some understanding of issues from others.
> I hope he doesn't decide to go snooping :surprise:


I worry about this exact same thing with my wife. If she found out I posted here, she would lose it.

On the other hand, I have never posted anything here that she and I haven't discussed, so none of it would be a surprise to her.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

If I found out my (hypothetical) partner was on TAM, I would be delighted, because:

1. It means he's talking to SOMEONE about his/our problems, rather than bottling it up, if he doesn't feel like he can talk about them with ME.
2. He would likely get some good advice here.
3. People here would tell him to TALK TO ME about whatever's bugging him.
4. In general, from what I've seen, TAMers encourage ethical, faithful, and emotionally healthy behavior and aren't afraid of calling out someone on their BS when they've acted like a douchecanoe
5. It's not the MRA-infested cesspool that Reddit is (where my XH spent most of his online chatting time)

I would only have a problem with it if:

1. He spent too much time on TAM and neglected me--in other words, use TAM on your own time, not mine--and/or neglected his overall personal and professional responsibilities. But I feel that way about the internet in general, and video games, etc. 
2. He only came on here to vent and never listened to any of the advice.
3. He only came on here to spy on me/accuse me of something/attempt to discredit me and manipulate me via the boards.

Of course, these three things are really character flaws, and have nothing to do with the actual act of using TAM.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> ...... like a douchecanoe.......


:rofl:
Never heard that one. I like it.
So is the canoe filled with douche or does it float in a river of douche? :grin2:


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> .........like a douchecanoe........





Middle of Everything said:


> :rofl:
> Never heard that one. I like it.
> So is the canoe filled with douche or does it float in a river of douche? :grin2:


Dunno! I learned it here on TAM, way baaaaack in the day!


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

The best thing one can do is learn from the difficulties and mistakes that others face. Because of that, we may be prepared!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I had another thought too, there are some people in the world who will seek help, seek to understand, mull over issues to see if things can be changed, situations approached differently, look through different lens, seek other perspectives and those are the people on TAM. 
Then there are others who will never bother to read, seek alternative advice, seek to understand, because they think that they have their s*** all together and don't need it, many of us are married to such people.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

aine said:


> I had another thought too, there are some people in the world who will seek help, seek to understand, mull over issues to see if things can be changed, situations approached differently, look through different lens, seek other perspectives and those are the people on TAM.
> Then there are others who will never bother to read, seek alternative advice, seek to understand, because they think that they have their s*** all together and don't need it, many of us are married to such people.


Or used to be


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

aine said:


> I had another thought too, there are some people in the world who will seek help, seek to understand, mull over issues to see if things can be changed, situations approached differently, look through different lens, seek other perspectives and those are the people on TAM.
> Then there are others who will never bother to read, seek alternative advice, seek to understand, because they think that they have their s*** all together and don't need it, many of us are married to such people.


This ^

I gave up long ago asking my wife to read an article, or books, or check out a link I sent her in regards to marriage and/or sex - she just doesn't read them. Can't be bothered.

She doesn't know about TAM. I've said a lot of personal things about us on here, even though it's anonymous. My username isn't my actual name, and my avatar isn't me (!!), but if she read enough of my posts, she'd probably put 2 and 2 together. Good thing she doesn't read internet message boards, or anything regarding sex or marriage, I suppose!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Middle of Everything said:


> :rofl:
> Never heard that one. I like it.
> So is the canoe filled with douche or does it float in a river of douche? :grin2:


Douche from the Greek word for shower. Not much of an insult. In fact in fact, I think I'll go take one.

I've often wished my Partner had a high enough level of "Give a sh!t" to read what I've written here. Would save me endless hours of trying to explain that one happy person does not make a happy marriage.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

My H knows I go on a relationship site but not what one- he doesn't like that i do it or keep it private from him-he said it amounts to me keeping secrets from him which I don't want HIM to do, and that sometimes there must be men that I am communicating with for advice, discussing our issues with….which can be compared to him texting/ talking to an OW about our/her relationship.

I said he has a point but its not the same. These people are anonymous and everyone is working towards giving the most helpful advice based on experience. It is supportive of marriage. Even in the CWI forum people are interested in encouraging what needs to be done in order to give the marriage a fighting chance. It is there to help pick up the pieces if the marriage can't be saved.

I told him I would not give it up or share it with him but would read posts to him if he wanted me to. He didn't.

IMO this site is unique in the fact that for some reason it seems to attract very intelligent generous people. I am forever grateful for that.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

alexm said:


> My username isn't my actual name, and *my avatar isn't me (!!)*


:lol:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

My wife knows I visit blog sites, but she's not familiar with this one. It's mostly sports blog sites that I have visited regularly. This site was definitely a change of pace, and was perfect for that offseason when football is over. I'm from a small town in Texas, and high school football is very big here. It's community among fans of different teams. I've met several people whom I call friends that way, even if they are from a rival town.

I have absolutely nothing to hide from my wife. If she wanted, I would show her all of my posts. She's just not into blogging. She does check in on Facebook regularly. I have a FB account, but I rarely get on there. I like the anonymity of blogs much better, where you can open up and say what's on your mind without everybody knowing who you are.

I was amazed at this site, and all the wisdom and insight of the people on it. I have found a site I will frequent for sure. I've learned quite a bit just from reading what y'all have to say. You're never too old to learn, and this site provides proof.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> *Douche from the Greek word for shower. *Not much of an insult. In fact in fact, I think I'll go take one.
> 
> I've often wished my Partner had a high enough level of "Give a sh!t" to read what I've written here. Would save me endless hours of trying to explain that one happy person does not make a happy marriage.


No, I'm talking about the OTHER douche. Not a shower.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Or used to be


Yup! :rofl:


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

alexm said:


> This ^
> 
> I gave up long ago asking my wife to read an article, or books, or check out a link I sent her in regards to marriage and/or sex - she just doesn't read them. Can't be bothered.
> 
> She doesn't know about TAM. I've said a lot of personal things about us on here, even though it's anonymous. My username isn't my actual name, and my avatar isn't me (!!), but if she read enough of my posts, she'd probably put 2 and 2 together. Good thing she doesn't read internet message boards, or anything regarding sex or marriage, I suppose!


I've read a lot of your posts. I don't remember any details, but I do remember feeling frustrated by proxy!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

aine said:


> I had another thought too, there are some people in the world who will seek help, seek to understand, mull over issues to see if things can be changed, situations approached differently, look through different lens, seek other perspectives and those are the people on TAM.
> Then there are others who will never bother to read, seek alternative advice, seek to understand, because they think that they have their s*** all together and don't need it, many of us are married to such people.


yes, absolutely. to seek, understand, ponder and empathize.

i came here 4 years ago when i caught my ex cybercheating on me.
that ship has sailed; i met and remarried a great gal, and am happy, re-married almost 3 years.

but, i still seek to understand, mull, and avoid the pitfalls, dumbness and mistakes of my past and learn vigilance. you never stop learning.
the day you start thinking you'll never have more problems is falling back into the abyss of dumbness.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> Yup! :rofl:


>:grin2::laugh:0


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Myself & husband have many in depth conversations.. bouncing scenarios back & forth from topics that land here... in it's own way...it's helped us learn more about each other... I generally have him pegged 95% of the time.... but there have been a few times where he surprised me..

He knew the 1st day I posted here, it was about him..and we went through all the replies together..


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

happy as a clam said:


> Quote:
> Originally Posted by alexm View Post
> My username isn't my actual name, and my avatar isn't me (!!)
> 
> ...


They're not my real teeth


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

peacem said:


> I've been watching a documentary series on serial killers - but I really don't want to become one.
> 
> My husband is part of another forum which is dedicated to money. For some bizarre reason they have a 'agony aunt' board which he is on almost daily. When I asked him about it he said he was just nosy and it made him feel better that there are other people worse off. Lol.


There is something to be said for schadenfreude.

Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

There are times that I think my husband has read this message board and other times I am not so sure. Because I think if he had, he’d be rather pissed off about what other people have said about him! 

But honestly, if he ever finds it, the only thing I will be able to say is that I am incredibly thankful for this board, because if I hadn’t found it, I’d still be that old, horrid, delusional Losing Him. This board saved my life.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Precisely why I have hung around TAM even though I'm past my issue.

Somewhere on TAM everyone can see themselves. Very few of the problems presented by others are truly unique.




Relationship Teacher said:


> The best thing one can do is learn from the difficulties and mistakes that others face. Because of that, we may be prepared!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

jdawg2015 said:


> Precisely why I have hung around TAM even though I'm past my issue.
> 
> Somewhere on TAM everyone can see themselves. Very few of the problems presented by others are truly unique.


:iagree:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I have never PM'd a person here.

I agree with you about it anonymous with the caveat that if anyone starting trading PMs with an opposite sex member then your husband would have a point.

I'm a gym nut and triathlete over many many years. There is a forum that I have been on forever. There was a time where one of the women who happened by chance to live not far from me. She asked if I could give her some route maps of some of my rides via mapping software I had so she got my email and I sent them too her. I was still happily married at that point and told my wife about it and she was not to pleased. She asked if I would like it if she was messaging some guy privately on a website and she was dead right because I would not have been. Food for thought. 




nursejackie said:


> My H knows I go on a relationship site but not what one- he doesn't like that i do it or keep it private from him-he said it amounts to me keeping secrets from him which I don't want HIM to do, and that sometimes there must be men that I am communicating with for advice, discussing our issues with….which can be compared to him texting/ talking to an OW about our/her relationship.
> 
> I said he has a point but its not the same. These people are anonymous and everyone is working towards giving the most helpful advice based on experience. It is supportive of marriage. Even in the CWI forum people are interested in encouraging what needs to be done in order to give the marriage a fighting chance. It is there to help pick up the pieces if the marriage can't be saved.
> 
> ...


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

nursejackie, I noticed in another thread you mentioned having cheated on your H and trying to fix your marriage. To me, this changes EVERYTHING about what your husband said and the comment about keeping secrets.

Keeping ANYTHING private after you betrayed him to me if a huge red flag.

Listen to his words. He doesn't't trust you You're rug sweeping and in false R if you are afraid to share everything about who what an why things happened between you.




nursejackie said:


> My H knows I go on a relationship site but not what one- he doesn't like that i do it or keep it private from him-he said it amounts to me keeping secrets from him which I don't want HIM to do, and that sometimes there must be men that I am communicating with for advice, discussing our issues with….which can be compared to him texting/ talking to an OW about our/her relationship.
> 
> I said he has a point but its not the same. These people are anonymous and everyone is working towards giving the most helpful advice based on experience. It is supportive of marriage. Even in the CWI forum people are interested in encouraging what needs to be done in order to give the marriage a fighting chance. It is there to help pick up the pieces if the marriage can't be saved.
> 
> ...


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

jdawg2015 said:


> nursejackie, I noticed in another thread you mentioned having cheated on your H and trying to fix your marriage. To me, this changes EVERYTHING about what your husband said and the comment about keeping secrets.
> 
> Keeping ANYTHING private after you betrayed him to me if a huge red flag.
> 
> Listen to his words. He doesn't't trust you You're rug sweeping and in false R if you are afraid to share everything about who what an why things happened between you.


I agree and disagree at the same time.

She's here to help fix her marriage, not make friends (of either sex).

Giving up one's privacy after being unfaithful is normal and to be expected, but places like TAM are somewhat grey areas, IMO.

If one is here to better themselves, or their marriage - as most of us on TAM are - then a little bit of discretion is warranted I think. Not all spouses are open to things such as TAM. I know my wife wouldn't be, for various reasons. She wouldn't be mad that I was here, but she'd be a little weirded out that I was discussing rather personal matters with strangers, regardless of what aim I had for doing so.

That said, from the POV of the husband, he should either not know about her being on a message board at all, or should know all about it, given their/her history.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

If my wife found I was on here I would be up Sh!ts Creek in a Douche Canoe.

I changed all the names, and my username isn't my location, but clearly she would recognize the text convo in my first post. I hired PI, hid VARS.

I'm careful not to be on here when she is around, but if she finds out she finds out. Was doing what I could in the name of our marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> If my wife found I was on here I would be up Sh!ts Creek in a Douche Canoe.
> 
> I changed all the names, and my username isn't my location, but clearly she would recognize the text convo in my first post. I hired PI, hid VARS.
> 
> ...


If you don't want her to find out, I would suggest using an icognito browser window whenever you visit TAM.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Well I simply read the word choice.

She said she would not share with him and was absolutely not give up TAM. Husband's words according to OP indicate he has concerns she's being secretive and discussing with other men about their marriage.

Notice my initial response then my change in view knowing she has history of cheating. This isn't even really my view but an observation based on the OP's words. 

Once the cheating occurred then thing that are pro marriage come first. A husbands concerns shoudld definitely come before an anonymous forum.

Nursejackie if you are serious about mending things with your husband, if he has concerns about you being on TAM or any other social media given your betrayal I would think long and hard about dismissing them. You already have proven to have poor boundaries. Imagine if the roles were reversed and he poked another woman and then was on TAM telling the forum about it. 


alexm said:


> I agree and disagree at the same time.
> 
> She's here to help fix her marriage, not make friends (of either sex).
> 
> ...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

OliviaG said:


> This is so true!
> 
> My husband would be very unhappy to find out I was here, sharing very personal details of our life with others. Very, very unhappy. But he more or less forces me into the role of being the information seeker and problem solver in our marriage because whatever happens to him/us, he will just roll with, good or bad. He would *never* put forth the effort required to really delve into the best solution to a personal problem. That's my job because he doesn't want that job.
> 
> ...


In general and on average it is the female in the marriage who usually seeks out better ways of doing things, reading books, etc. For most they take on the caretaker which includes the marriage, until she hits menopause, then somehow she starts to question that role.
That is why I am so impressed with many of the males on here who seem to really be invested in their marriages.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

aine said:


> In general and on average it is the female in the marriage who usually seeks out better ways of doing things, reading books, etc. For most they take on the caretaker which includes the marriage, until she hits menopause, then somehow she starts to question that role.
> *That is why I am so impressed with many of the males on here who seem to really be invested in their marriages*.


I have been impressed with many of the men also...

My problem with my husband when I landed here, looking back we can laugh about it now.. but honestly.. when one compares me & him..







.. what a difference! 
Back in the day , when HE wanted more







.. he was soooo passive.. I could kick him just thinking about it.. oh I guess he looked up ONE article on the net.. ...when he told me what it said >> "Oh help her do the dishes, clean the house".... I just sighed...I'm just not an Acts of service woman...he needed to FLIRT with me.. make it FUN.. suggest new things.. come on to me, show me his DESIRE, make it hard to resist.. why in the world would pushing a vacuum turn me on.. he read the wrong article to deal with me !

Now when my sex drive exploded.. I was buying books on how to please a man, went on a lingerie spree, I went out of my way to make it fun for him.. I read about "lovers styles" so I could better understand why he is the way he is.. we rented porn, lots of flirting from my end, trying new positions, places, I planned romantic outings , getting away from the kids...reading books on Hormones, got his Test checked (thankfully he didn't bulk)....

I spiced the living day lights out of him.. I just don't feel he put a lot of effort into getting his needs met or trying different ways, some novelty, to make it hotter for both of us.. it took the tables turning on me.. and going after it..


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

To be perfectly honest, I actually wish my wife would visit TAM, and other sites, just to get a different perspective from other ladies. I'm not complaining per se, but it would be nice if she showed a little more interest in spicing things up for herself, instead of me always being the initiator. I think she would be more receptive of some of the changes I've employed, not that she hasn't been, I just think she would understand it better. I know it has made me more appreciative of her all the way around after reading some of the very real problems others are having, and it has helped me to be a better husband to her. You are NEVER too old to learn new things, nor too old to spice up an already good sex life. She's a really good sport, and I love her more and more as time goes by.


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

Too bad I found this site after my marriage was over. If I had hooked into some of the hard-earned wisdom here before we reached the point of no return, we might have figured out a way to stay together. But it still helps me to log on when I'm feeling down, I never know what new little pearl of wisdom or humor I might pick up.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> Well I simply read the word choice.
> 
> She said she would not share with him and was absolutely not give up TAM. Husband's words according to OP indicate he has concerns she's being secretive and discussing with other men about their marriage.
> 
> ...


Jdawg- I hear you and I agree sort of. He has access to my computer, my phone and my emails -work and personal. I don't post on any social media sites. The A lasted about 4 months and it was 25 years ago. I disclosed about 6 months (?) ago through the recommendations of TAM. It would reinjure him to read anything on here that I have written about the OM or A. He mostly doesn't want to know any details and wishes I'd never told him. After his initial displeasure he never brought it up again.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

As a guy, trust/loyalty/respect is huge and you broke all three.

He's fighting a paradox in that you did what you did but it was so long ago. He's asking why now, etc. I know had my ex wife confessed I would have been going in circles wondering why you told me know and the affair would make me wonder "what else in my life has been a secret".

Given his style of being quiet about it, but that he actually said something about TAM while not definitive, is a hint. I think you should have frank discussions with him about boundaries and forums, etc.

While most of us may view TAM as a relationship place to compare notes, for him he could be wondering who and what you're talking about is concerning.

He definitely does not view you the same. Don't let his silence lull you into assuming there is no problem. You need to be very careful and listen to his words. I'd even tell him that you won't ever PM or message any specific person that it's anonymous. If he has reservations then leave TAM behind. My 0.02

I'm sure I am not the first person on TAM to tell you that what was 25 years ago to you is recent to him. Consider yourself lucky he's stayed around but he's got a lot of healing to do for any chance that you two have long term success.




nursejackie said:


> Jdawg- I hear you and I agree sort of. He has access to my computer, my phone and my emails -work and personal. I don't post on any social media sites. The A lasted about 4 months and it was 25 years ago. I disclosed about 6 months (?) ago through the recommendations of TAM. It would reinjure him to read anything on here that I have written about the OM or A. He mostly doesn't want to know any details and wishes I'd never told him. After his initial displeasure he never brought it up again.


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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

aine said:


> I had another thought too, there are some people in the world who will seek help, seek to understand, mull over issues to see if things can be changed, situations approached differently, look through different lens, seek other perspectives and those are the people on TAM.
> Then there are others who will never bother to read, seek alternative advice, seek to understand, because they think that they have their s*** all together and don't need it, many of us are married to such people.


I am actually married to one of these people. He reads nothing. I have been on here for about five months now, reading and mulling over the advise given by everyone on TAM. I know we have issues, many, many issues, and I seek to try to improve by getting advise and viewing a different perspective. He reads nothing and is one who will bury his head in the sand. I would love it if he were on here, getting advise and people telling him he needs to discuss the issues with his wife and make concessions and compromises....

One of these days I will post my issues and get the advise I deserve.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

I keep giving out the same advice to all you women. Feed him food, wash and put away his clothes, tell him he's the best, screw his brains out where you initiate sex, sex text him,,,, do all these things often. Happy guy for life.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

jdesey said:


> I keep giving out the same advice to all you women. Feed him food, wash and put away his clothes, tell him he's the best, screw his brains out where you initiate sex, sex text him,,,, do all these things often. Happy guy for life.


And this is important why? So he does not bug her?

A relationship is about building a connection. Just keeping him happy is not necessarily building a connection.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Middle of Everything said:


> :rofl:
> Never heard that one. I like it.
> *So is the canoe filled with douche or does it float in a river of douche?* :grin2:


Yes.

:rofl:


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

I feel like the female in the relationship, I've read lots to try and save our marriage, she doesn't even care and won't read what I share with her. I would rather be single and lonely than married and lonely, it sucks. 

I'm starting to get over my triggers by coming to TAM. Many of the threads here are actual triggers, ha ha, I torture myself. I never found a smoking gun and we've since rug swept the whole thing. I'm sure at some point I may stop coming, but who knows, I like it here.

My wife took a screen shot of my laptop but apparently it was too blurry to read details, but she knows about TAM. I think that's why I've been scared to start my own threads, lol. Oh well, might do her some good to read what I've shared. 0

I finally told her I was done and going to file for divorce, wish me luck, not sure when but I'm going to do it soon.:smile2:


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

jdesey said:


> I keep giving out the same advice to all you women. Feed him food, wash and put away his clothes, tell him he's the best, screw his brains out where you initiate sex, sex text him,,,, do all these things often. Happy guy for life.


Yes, this might work for some, then there are others who would take all of that for granted and it wouldn't cross their mind that your needs are different to theirs, been there done that, enough already!


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