# Wife Chatting More and More with Single Guys on Facebook.



## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

My wife, who used to only chat with mutual friends and family on FB and Yahoo, is now chatting more and more single guys that I don't know. Some of them are old high school friends, she says. One is a guy she met on a cruise we recently took. (He was our cabin stewart). As for me, I still don't chat with anyone else but our mutual friends and family. I don't see anything inappropriate being said yet, except one guy asked her to send him a jacket as a gift and she declined, but how much is too much here? Maybe I should just adding more single females and ex-gf's to my friends list and see how she feels.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You have access to her FB account and can see all chats - right? So you do not think she is trying to hide anything. I would say it is too much now since it is starting to bother you. Tell her you are uncomfortable with her chatting up single guys. Facebook is advertised as a SOCIAL NETWORK. This is how a lot of affairs start -electronically- so it does not seem real. People do not see the danger until it is already too late. You see the train wreck coming. Now is the time to stop it. When it starts getting personal - asking for gifts - time to stop - not just ignore.

Good luck.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest getting a keylogger and check to see if or when she starts a seceret account. 
See its so easy to cross a line here and it will only be a metter of time when she start to get alittle more "private" with her chats and you are left in the dark.

Now is the time to talk to your wife, and now is the time to protect your self and your marriage with the tools (keylogger) that will help you prove she has a problem.

Having the evidence when it starts to get really bad will be good to show her. Sometime it that black and white proof that they need to see. 

In my case my wife didn't realize the amount of texting she was doing until I showed her the spread sheet (cellphone bill).

This is an unhealthy behavior she may not want to admit to and it will be a hard copy of her chats that she will need to see, that will hopefully bring her out of this unhealthy behavior that will tear the marriage apart.

So trust but varify...get a keylogger


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Or just shut off your internet service if you are paying for it. Why should you indulge her suspicious behavior? This board is rife with stories of husbands and wives whose spouses went astray by engaging in this same activity. Your wife is walking along a precipice my friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Cruise around the site to see how many affairs were started via FB or with old highschool sweethearts. Go on. Go see! 

FYI: this is not acceptable behaviour for a married woman; and no, don't accumulate your own posse of single women, otherwiese you're both screwed, probably by other people.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Candie is referring to me among many many others. I got a friend request from an old HS girlfriend I hadn't thought about in 20 years, I was happily married the day I got it. 10 days later - 10 days!! - I was in an emotional affair with her, sexting and swapping I love you's. 

Bad Bad Bad. This stuff can go south with super sonic speed. Do not take it lightly. I'm not saying she's cheating but this is an arena in which to hide and watch can be deadly before you even knew you were in danger. Do what you must to either confirm or reject your concerns and do it ASAP.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Have a talk with her today about this.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Baffled01 said:


> My wife, who used to only chat with mutual friends and family on FB and Yahoo, is now chatting more and more single guys that I don't know. Some of them are old high school friends, she says. One is a guy she met on a cruise we recently took. (He was our cabin stewart). As for me, I still don't chat with anyone else but our mutual friends and family. I don't see anything inappropriate being said yet, except one guy asked her to send him a jacket as a gift and she declined, but how much is too much here? Maybe I should just adding more single females and ex-gf's to my friends list and see how she feels.


Good question. My eye brows did raise on the cabin steward. I mean who intiated that? In fact I wonder who initiated a lot of what you are talking about.

FB has really exploded. Now there are special apps to connect high school friends. Some very natural boundaries that we relied on in the past are being torn away. If nothing replaces them then there is some real risk. 

If I were you I would print out the list of guys and try to identify who they are and why your wife has friended them. This can be done in a low key manner. 

There is some plausibility with high school friends. That does not not minimize the risks. If any of them are EXs then there is probably a huge risk. Hard to know though. If she is coming up on a reunion make sure you go with her.

But who are the other guys? How many? Are they from her work? The GYM? Dod she meet them at a GNO? I don't know. It probably matters.

So I understand your concern that this has been a new thing. Most of us are dealing with the FB explosion. But how is your relationship now apart from this?

All in all collecting a bunch of single guys ion FB is probably not a good idea for her. Again single guys have to invest their time wisely. If you see an increase in chats with a particular guy then that is a red flag. If the messages get deleted that is a big deal. 

Some folks can simply checki-in on FB to let ohers know that they are out and about.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I just went back and read your previous thread. Ok, so yeah I think this is less than optimal here.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

I agree here. I don't think this acceptable behaviour for a married woman. Just wanted to get the boards opinion before mentioning to her. but I know she does alot of chatting on her android cell phone. We do allow each other to access each others Facebook, but all of the chat mates are Filipino (she is filipino) and most of the conversations are in the native language. I had some of them translated.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

One more thing I need to add to this, albeit slightly off topic, is that although she seems to have the phone with her 90% of the time, she NEVER answers my calls. She will always call me back 30mins to an hour later, if she calls back at all. This is bothersome to me since I can only take breaks at certain times. I have no idea what to make of that and would entertain any ideas. I think I am going to switch phones with her for a week and let her use my Blackberry which is much more limited on FB and Yahoo.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Baffled01 said:


> One more thing I need to add to this, albeit slightly off topic, is that although she seems to have the phone with her 90% of the time, she NEVER answers my calls. She will always call me back 30mins to an hour later, if she calls back at all. This is bothersome to me since I can only take breaks at certain times. I have no idea what to make of that and would entertain any ideas. I think I am going to switch phones with her for a week and let her use my Blackberry which is much more limited on FB and Yahoo.


Tell her if she doesn't answer your calls you don't see a reason for her to have a cell phone. Then shut it off.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yep. That is disrespectful as hell.

Hope you're not another sucker American being taken for a ride by an Asian woman. Call the cell provider and see if they can get you transcripts of the texts.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Okay, this is unacceptable completely!

My husband and I made an agreement no casual contact with the opposite sex as friendships.

Some woman was recently messaging him and asking him specifically to workout with him. He immediately disabled his FB and stopped contact with her.


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## Morrigan (Jan 18, 2012)

Beowulf and I have a rule. We enthusiastically agree of each others friends list. Most of the people on my friend's list are also on his. Its way too easy to start something inappropriate on FB. Do not let this continue.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

I been on this site a few weeks now. I am not perplexed by affairs. They go one every hour of the day. I am not perplexed that some are willing work through it, although I don't have an appetite to accept that behavior. What I am perplexed about is how some want to set up safeguards to catch and stop their spouse from engaging in activities that may lead to an EA. If you've got to set up surveillance to watch every move, and they are that easily tempted to cheat on you what's the point? Why would you want to stay married to someone like that when they are so easily replace by a superior "product" with loyalty and integrity? I don't understand why someone wants to stay married to an individual that can't keep from trying to line up "booty" on the side. When you get my age, you realize life is too short to have to spend a good part of it keeping an eye on a spouse to prevent them from hopping in the sack with someone else.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

During my wife's affair, she got her own private email acct, ostensibly for school communication, and joined a classmate look-up service. I believe that some of this was to attempt to recapture youth and to deny approaching middle age. Unfortunately, it went farther. The dopamine rush your wife gets from her current activity may dwindle and have to be fed with a bigger rush. Just food for thought.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Fvstringpicker said:


> I been on this site a few weeks now. I am not perplexed by affairs. They go one every hour of the day. I am not perplexed that some are willing work through it, although I don't have an appetite to accept that behavior. What I am perplexed about is how some want to set up safeguards to catch and stop their spouse from engaging in activities that may lead to an EA. If you've got to set up surveillance to watch every move, and they are that easily tempted to cheat on you what's the point? Why would you want to stay married to someone like that when they are so easily replace by a superior "product" with loyalty and integrity? I don't understand why someone wants to stay married to an individual that can't keep from trying to line up "booty" on the side. When you get my age, you realize life is too short to have to spend a good part of it keeping an eye on a spouse to prevent them from hopping in the sack with someone else.


I'm not sure where your confusion lies. If both spouses are honest, transparent and show respect for one another there isn't a problem. Since there is no privacy in a marriage and an affair cannot begin or exist in the light of reality there is no real issue. If a spouse continues to try to set up booty calls as you put it or breaks NC the marriage is over.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

I suppose what I'm saying is why would anybody want to stay married to someone who is contacting exs, flirting, etc., and going down the wrong path. If my spouse was doing those things, and me knowing about it, I'd hit the eject button; not try to devise a plan to force her to stop. As far as I concerned, I don't to be married to someone who doesn't have any more respect for me than flirting, "sexting", etc., with the opposite sex.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

There is a good point here that F- makes with regard to his hardline approach. Often no matter how many kids, what kind of mortgage, what ever lenght of history you have with your WW,and the loss of asset they may occure you just have to stand up and tell them you will not tolorate it and if she continues then she losses her marriage.

The trick is actually going through with it. As hard as it is sometime the best approach is to except the loss and move on, b/c at the end of the day you really can control any one but your self and what you will tolorate.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

IMO you should confront her on these realtionships that are making you uncomfortable and the fact that she does not answer your calls. If a relationship your spouse is having makes you uncomfortable it should be ended.

If you are already checking on her, have keylogger, and what have you then the trust is gone and you need to confront her on these things that are bothering you.

I have been on cruses and can not even remeber any staff member's name let alone befriend them on fb. I find that really odd that she even talking to him and any guy asking for gifts from a women like that is a user and should be booted.

I hope that your fears are unfounded but I have to admit that it seems unlikely. Best wishes and luck.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I guess it would be acceptable to your wife if you had online girlfriends also. Your wife is totally disrespecting you and marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Or just shut off your internet service if you are paying for it. Why should you indulge her suspicious behavior? This board is rife with stories of husbands and wives whose spouses went astray by engaging in this same activity. Your wife is walking along a precipice my friend.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have her phone now. I have occassionally looked at it before. And, of course, another big surprise, A voice mail from another guy from 2 mos ago from a number 1-876-xxx-xxxx. He says, "hello xxxx, I am xxxxx. I just wanted to let you know I would very much like to meet you. Please call me at 1-876-xxx-xxxx." The voice sounded Nigerian or something. The call back number was a different numer. I called both numbers, they are not in service anymore. She says she has no idea who it was, but he knew her name and number, and from his message it sounded like they hadn't met yet. This is getting crazy.

I confronted my wife about the chat mates, and of course she tried to turn tables on me, crying and saying I hurt her by suggesting she was cheating. I said, I didn't say she was cheating, just that chatting with these guys is inappropriate. I also invited her to view this thread so that she could read the replies of others


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Baffled01 said:


> I also invited her to view this thread so that she could read the replies of others


*facepalm*


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Baffled01 said:


> I have her phone now. I have occassionally looked at it before. And, of course, another big surprise, A voice mail from another guy from 2 mos ago from a number 1-876-xxx-xxxx. He says, "hello xxxx, I am xxxxx. I just wanted to let you know I would very much like to meet you. Please call me at 1-876-xxx-xxxx." The voice sounded Nigerian or something. The call back number was a different numer. I called both numbers, they are not in service anymore. She says she has no idea who it was, but he knew her name and number, and from his message it sounded like they hadn't met yet. This is getting crazy.
> 
> I confronted my wife about the chat mates, and of course she tried to turn tables on me, crying and saying I hurt her by suggesting she was cheating. I said, I didn't say she was cheating, just that chatting with these guys is inappropriate. I also invited her to view this thread so that she could read the replies of others


Excuse me if you already mentioned it, what does your wife do occupational wise? This call you recieved sounds like she is posting adds for meeting other men... very strange


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

Fvstringpicker said:


> I been on this site a few weeks now. I am not perplexed by affairs. They go one every hour of the day. I am not perplexed that some are willing work through it, although I don't have an appetite to accept that behavior. What I am perplexed about is how some want to set up safeguards to catch and stop their spouse from engaging in activities that may lead to an EA. If you've got to set up surveillance to watch every move, and they are that easily tempted to cheat on you what's the point? Why would you want to stay married to someone like that when they are so easily replace by a superior "product" with loyalty and integrity? I don't understand why someone wants to stay married to an individual that can't keep from trying to line up "booty" on the side. When you get my age, you realize life is too short to have to spend a good part of it keeping an eye on a spouse to prevent them from hopping in the sack with someone else.


I think the reason people go through those measures, is the hope that their feelings are wrong and these measures will prove that, and they can breath a sigh of relief and go on with their life......Piece of mind.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Fvstringpicker said:


> I suppose what I'm saying is why would anybody want to stay married to someone who is contacting exs, flirting, etc., and going down the wrong path. If my spouse was doing those things, and me knowing about it, I'd hit the eject button; not try to devise a plan to force her to stop. As far as I concerned, I don't to be married to someone who doesn't have any more respect for me than flirting, "sexting", etc., with the opposite sex.


Fvstring-----, people's emotions are not that simple. My bf was having an EA with someone he dated / had sex with. They wanted to call each other friends while she went off with another boyfriend but also wanted to keep my bf on tap, so to speak.

He kept telling me "she's just a friend." Well, I was able to find enough reciepts and communication to suggest something else. For me, it was also a slap in the face because given the fact that I was unemployed due to health reasons, I didn't like seeing that he was happy to pay for their dates while he felt justified in expecting me to pay for some of the dates. ----Umm, here I am the gf and she's the friend.

I made him an offer -- as one can do when they're not married -- you can either keep her on board as a friend, and then I'll be a friend too (and then I will have the free time to find a real boyfriend) or you can have me as a girlfriend while you cut all ties with this woman.

It didn't take him long -- a second or two-- to decided what he wanted. And he's been doing everything right since then. But still, I shudder at the thought.....if I didn't have this hard proof.....how much would he continue to protest that she was "just a friend."

so FvString......my bf could have walked away and told me that if I was going to be that jealous and insecure, then I needed to move on, but he didn't say that.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Attention = Crack for women


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Baffled01 said:


> I have her phone now. I have occassionally looked at it before. And, of course, another big surprise, A voice mail from another guy from 2 mos ago from a number 1-876-xxx-xxxx. He says, "hello xxxx, I am xxxxx. I just wanted to let you know I would very much like to meet you. Please call me at 1-876-xxx-xxxx." The voice sounded Nigerian or something. The call back number was a different numer. I called both numbers, they are not in service anymore. She says she has no idea who it was, but he knew her name and number, and from his message it sounded like they hadn't met yet. This is getting crazy.
> 
> I confronted my wife about the chat mates, and of course she tried to turn tables on me, crying and saying I hurt her by suggesting she was cheating. I said, I didn't say she was cheating, just that chatting with these guys is inappropriate. I also invited her to view this thread so that she could read the replies of others


turning the tables aka blameshifting is a classic sign of a cheater....


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

UPDATE: We have mutually agreed to deactivate her FB profile. We will both use my profile and all new friends will be mutually agreed apon. I now use her phone and number while she uses mine. The strange caller-- still a mystery.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband has my password to my FB and all my technology things I have. I have his as well. We share a phone at the moment, but both phones go on the counter at night. There is no hiding anything. 

You could give her her FB back, but keep her password. If FB is that important to her. You don't want her feeling bad or making another account behind your back.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

We both had the passwords to each others accounts and we still ended up with issues. It was her idea to deactivate so I agreed. She was on Facebook all the time on her phone or on the computer. Beside the chatmates, she was constantly posting things on her status about how tired she was, or any problems we might be having. And friends and family were starting to ask alot of questions about us. The whole world doesn't need to know about every problem you are having at every given moment. She also signed up on website associated with FB called Explore Talent. Supposedly you create an account as a singer, actor or dancer and talent scouts may contact you. In her profile, she was looking for work as a dancer. And she had a very sexy pic posted. I told her I doubted that would land her any work except maybe nude dancing, but they make very difficult to cancel the account. When you do a google search on her name that is the first thing that pops up too. I think this may be how that mysterious caller found her.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Baffled01 said:


> UPDATE: We have mutually agreed to deactivate her FB profile. We will both use my profile and all new friends will be mutually agreed apon. I now use her phone and number while she uses mine. The strange caller-- still a mystery.


A great first step, this is a must if you ask me in your case.

However, the willingness for her to start posting pics and chatting up singles shows there is something under the surface. Women in a happy, healthy marriage don't do that. Facebook makes it easier to facilitate cheating, but it doesn't provide the motive.

What's really going on in the marriage? She's posting about personal problems and obviously looking outside the marriage for something. What is causing this? Don't just address the symptoms (her talking to other single guys), address the root cause. What is making her unhappy? What is the temperature of your marriage?

I didn't see "the writing on the wall" till my wife started doing what your wife is. Unfortunately I caught on too late. The truth is, years before she started acting wayward (which started by talking to old friends from HS on facebook), she was crying out for help. I was just too dumb to notice.

Is your wife crying out for help? If she came to the board and we asked her how her marriage is, what would she say? Can you listen to her honestly without getting defensive or disagreeing with her?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm glad she agreed. Chatting with other men is unacceptable. At least in our marriage. I'd never do that to my husband. If I email a man, I tell him right away and the reason behind it.

I'm a great communicator and I tell my hubby everything.

Your wife values her marriage by disabling her FB. Good for her. Good luck, I hope you both continue down a good and happy marriage.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

About the same day she deacivated her account. I posted a message on my FB telling friends and family they could contact her via my account. Wednesday last week somebody hacked into my account from South Carolina.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Huh?? That's just plain weird. When you say hacked in what exactly do you mean? Someone logged in and you got that notification of a log in from a new device? - or what?

Weirdness for sure.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Baffled01 said:


> About the same day she deacivated her account. I posted a message on my FB telling friends and family they could contact her via my account. Wednesday last week somebody hacked into my account from South Carolina.


You have a virus on your computer. They are very easy to get and it could of come from any site. We had someone completely take over one of our computers that they were impersonating us and asking for money from my friends and family. My dad actually had to come over due to us unable to wipe our hard drive clean. Somehow they put a block on us wiping our hard drive.

Anyways, I don't use a computer anymore. I have a hand held iPod touch, which you can not get a virus on thankfully. My brother takes viruses off computers for a living and everyone I know that has a computer has had at least more then one. You'll never know which site gave it to you.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

Facebook informed me by email that my account had been signed into in a location in SC, and asked me if that was me. Not an attempted sign in but a sign in. Could be someone from my wifes FB friends list.

I have also updated my Intenet security.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Can we have a thread exclusively in FB security and other FB matters. How these hackings can occur is something I would like to know about.

For example, I noticed that the bf of my bf's ex EA has will wall publicly available. So yes, I do peek from time to time. WE have no friends in common. Would my profile come up as a "friend" suggestion?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

(Assuming that she told you the whole truth) The Nigerian guy voice mail, now this. I think your accounts are compromised and the computer might be infected. Talk to her and make sure you have the whole truth. Buy a new hard disk and re install the OS. Change all your bank/email/credit cad passwords.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> (Assuming that she told you the whole truth) The Nigerian guy voice mail, now this. I think your accounts are compromised and the computer might be infected. Talk to her and make sure you have the whole truth. Buy a new hard disk and re install the OS. Change all your bank/email/credit cad passwords.


Actually, I did some researching. The 876 prefix the call showed-- is Jamaica, and come to think of it, the caller definitely sounded Jamaican. Now whether the call was made from Jamaica or the phone was just registered in Jamaica is not known. Yes, this seems more and more like a hacker, maybe even a stalker situation.


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## piggyoink (Apr 10, 2012)

Run housecall from trend micro. It doesn't require installation and is web based, and you don't need to register nor buy anything. trend micro is an old, safe company.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

if they are rootkits, scans are pretty much useless


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## piggyoink (Apr 10, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> if they are rootkits, scans are pretty much useless


I know what you mean. of course reimaging is the only 100% safe way.

other than that. in these types of cases I usually run malwarebytes followed by spybot.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

in Safe mode


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

OK. Possibly have a resolution to this mystery caller. My wife created 2 Skype accounts for when she was overseas so we could skype using oth accounts. One of them has no pic, has just a few family and friends as contacts and has little activity. The other she posted a pic (just a headshot). It has family and friends for contacts, but in her profile she made the mistake of posting her cell number. That account is beseiged with contact requests (some 52) junk messages and just alot of thugs seeming to want to get to know her. I'm about 90% sure that's how this guy got her number.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Does the skype account have the same email and password as the facebook account?


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

No. But for some reason this account is full of messages from mystery people saying saying things like," I was just searching for friends and you seemed intersting."


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Do you think she was fishing for men on this account? She might have created a profile on some adult site with this id


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## piggyoink (Apr 10, 2012)

Baffled01 said:


> No. But for some reason this account is full of messages from mystery people saying saying things like," I was just searching for friends and you seemed intersting."


- Some people think she might be fishing. - thats outside the scope of my answer

- On Skype you may feel 'strange' that people would send such messages, but within the context/situation of skype, thats very 'normal' behavior in the sense that --- certain types of people might sometimes message you regardless of what you say on your profile.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I once had a skype account and noticed spam messages. Usually trying to sell me something like securities or commodities.


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## piggyoink (Apr 10, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> I once had a skype account and noticed spam messages. Usually trying to sell me something like securities or commodities.


thats why if i setup skype for a female,i always set it up as a middle aged male. that cuts down on the spam


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