# Thinking of Marrying a Woman but have Some Reservations



## Hermes3

I'll try to keep it brief.

She's 25, I'm 24. I've been dating this woman for almost 9 months. She has cheated in two prior relationships, the first of which was when she was only 14 ( :surprise: ), and she had sex with another guy while on holidays. She also cheated on her last boyfriend at a nightclub but she excused it as "just a kiss" and the fact that she was hammered.

More importantly, at the beginning of our relationship she had still been texting her ex boyfriend, and I found out that she told him that she still loves him. So at the 2 month mark I broke it off with her, she came grovelling back, saying she loved me and would cut all contact with him, blah blah blah. I took her back and there's been no sign of her ex since.

I lost my virginity to her on the night of our first date whereas she has had many sexual partners in the past, and now she's talking about us getting married in the future. I'm basically here to read about warning signs for infidelity so I can keep a close eye on my girl to make sure she doesn't stray again. I do love her, as she's the first woman to accept me. She's caring and thoughtful though very friendly with guys and a bit of a flirt at times, which hurts. She tries to play it down a lot more these days since I explained how it made me feel.

That's all for the moment. Adios.


----------



## arbitrator

*There's more than enough evidence at hand for you to make an informed decision! As is, I see absolutely no remorse whatsoever by her for her prior actions!

If your "gut" is imploring you to run, then by all means, do it! Those instincts are almost always, universally correct!*


----------



## Andy1001

Buddy I’m not trying to bash you here but you are too insecure for a woman like this.
What she did before she met you is none of your business and frankly, casting aspersions on what she did at fourteen is ridiculous.
You appear appalled that she slept with someone while on vacation.That is what most single people do when their on vacation.
Whilst her kissing another guy in the nightclub was regrettable it’s hardly a shooting offense.
Now as regards her texting her ex,you say you forgave her and took her back.Forgiving someone means you can’t use their transgressions against them in the future.
When you told her that her flirting with other men made you uncomfortable she stopped doing it.
You come across as insecure and maybe you think she is out of your league appearance wise.I think you are looking for a woman to put on a pedestal,modest and chaste.But you slept with her on your first date so what does that say about you.
If you go into a relationship allready looking for signs of infidelity then it doesn’t say much for your feelings towards your partner.
If you don’t see any future with your girlfriend then at least be honest and let her find a man who can love her as she is.


----------



## Laurentium

Hermes3 said:


> I'm basically here to read about warning signs for infidelity so I can keep a close eye on my girl to make sure she doesn't stray again.


That doesn't work. You can't surveille someone into fidelity.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Your close to the age of my kids so as a father I would tell that there are to many red flags, I would suggest that she would not make good marriage material...and frankly I don't believe she respects you enough not to continue to be sneaky after you are married....I would spare you years of grief now and move on. And I would tell her that the reason you can't ask her to marry you is that you fear that cheating is ingrained in her....


----------



## Decorum

You are moving too fast, way too fast, and you will regret it.

She took your V card and you put her on a pedestal, but your gut is telling you something different.

That is why you are askng this question. (Always lsten to your gut!)

She has not shown herself to be a good risk as a long term partner. 

You will not be able to lock her in, and lock her down for yourself with marriage. Dont kid yourself.

You are still very young, have your fun with her, but when she cheats on you, dump her and move on.

Also learn to recognize when you pedestalize a woman.

In many cases a man's pedestal is a perception, or a construct, he gained from the unconditional love of his mother.

This woman is not your mother. 

Most relationships are conditional and require you to perform, i.e. to meet the needs your partner entered the relationship for.

If you get fat and lazy, and inattentive, then you become unattractive, than another man will attract her.

In her case it seems it would not even take that. Does she know why she cheated, what vulnerabilities she has?


Ironically men assume unconditional love because it was just always given to them. 

Imo, and ironically, a woman has a much greater need for unconditional love, because she has a greater need for security than a man.

You need more experience, so you know how the game is played.

I wish you well.


----------



## Spicy

You have a couple of warning signs of things she did when she was younger. It’s great that she was honest and shared those things with you.

Since you are not yet completely comfortable and “sure” inside this relationship, I wouldn’t get engaged. Continue to date her, and see where you are at with your concerns next year.

PS- Why do you feel others didn’t accept you and she did?


----------



## Hermes3

Laurentium said:


> That doesn't work. You can't surveille someone into fidelity.


I worded that poorly. What I meant to say was that I'd like to be able to pick up on the warning signs of cheating to ensure that *if* she strays, I might know about it.



Andy1001 said:


> What she did before she met you is none of your business and frankly, casting aspersions on what she did at fourteen is ridiculous.
> You appear appalled that she slept with someone while on vacation.That is what most single people do when their on vacation.


Debatable. I think partners should be open about cheating that went on prior to their current relationship, as past behaviour is often a good predictor of future behaviour. I meant to say that she slept with someone on vacation while she was 14 and in a relationship with someone else. I don't mind all the other men she has had sex with on various holidays. But I appreciate the rest of your points and the fact that she was only 14. It's a source of anxiety for me is all.



arbitrator said:


> *There's more than enough evidence at hand for you to make an informed decision! As is, I see absolutely no remorse whatsoever by her for her prior actions!
> 
> If your "gut" is imploring you to run, then by all means, do it! Those instincts are almost always, universally correct!*


Thanks for the advice.



Lostinthought61 said:


> Your close to the age of my kids so as a father I would tell that there are to many red flags, I would suggest that she would not make good marriage material...and frankly I don't believe she respects you enough not to continue to be sneaky after you are married....I would spare you years of grief now and move on. And I would tell her that the reason you can't ask her to marry you is that you fear that cheating is ingrained in her....


Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it.



Spicy said:


> You have a couple of warning signs of things she did when she was younger. It’s great that she was honest and shared those things with you.
> 
> Since you are not yet completely comfortable and “sure” inside this relationship, I wouldn’t get engaged. Continue to date her, and see where you are at with your concerns next year.
> 
> PS- Why do you feel others didn’t accept you and she did?


Thanks for the advice.

I've been sought after in the past by girls and women but I had a sexual anxiety dating back to my teens. Whenever an opportunity arose I'd find a way to sabotage it. I was never romantically socialized and as such I never learnt how to court women or to flirt. As a result my confidence has always been fairly low. Women, while initially displaying interest, begin to recognize my low confidence and lose attraction. I've developed some strange fetishes as a result of my low confidence as well but I'm trying to overcome them.


----------



## tech-novelist

As others have said, you are letting yourself in for a world of hurt.

You'll be back here in a few months or a year very upset that she is cheating on you.

It would be a lot smarter to move on and look for someone else more likely to be a good marriage candidate.


----------



## EunuchMonk

This has bad idea written all over it. You sound like you are very unsuccessful with women so naturally you latch onto the first woman who gives you attention, even if she is low quality. A man who has been hungry for so long that he will settle for scraps. He has never known what a good meal tastes like. You are young. A lot of things will change about how you view life as you age. Work on yourself and avoid this marriage. Your story is not unique. Many men who don't get much female attention, do this. I mean, it's very common. Go to the gym, aim for a better job/financial independence, meet new people (start conversations with strangers), find your mission. With improvement, I am sure you will view this current relationship in a different - less favourable - light and see it for the train-wreck that it is. Cheers.


----------



## jsmart

A potential wife's history should be a concern of any man. You know why employers want to know about your employment history? Why creditors want to know about your bill paying history? Why a judge looks a criminals history when sentencing? Because past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. 

You're too young and especially inexperience to be thinking about marriage anyway, especially to a girl like this. It's a recipe for heart break for you and frustration for her. Just enjoy her company and take it for what it is, your 1st relationship.


----------



## Spicy

Does your GF know about your fetishes and does she share in them with you?


----------



## oldshirt

Hermes3 said:


> I lost my virginity to her on the night of our first date whereas she has had many sexual partners in the past, and now she's talking about us getting married in the future. .


This above is what I would be concerned with ^^^^^


Why is a woman that has been sexually active for 10 years and has had lots of sexual partners wanting to marry a 24 year old virgin after a handful of months of dating??? …….. and a few months after professing love to a previous lover?


I am sure @Hermes3 is a great guy but the question we need to be asking is why is someone that has been having lots of sex with lots of different guys, now wanting to marry someone who had never had sex or serious relationships before??

Support, servitude and supplication perhaps? 

I am making giant leeps here on very little information but someone that sexually active at 14 and racking up lots of bedpost notches with a history of hook ups while in other relationships and then pushing for a commitment from a naïve adult virgin sounds a lot like someone with a history of CSA or even some kind of personality disorder. 

I have the feeling Hermes3 may have some White-Knight-Syndrome and may be trying to 'rescue' her by considering marrying her. 

I think her stepping out or hooking up with an ex may actually be the least of his problems if he marry her. 

This may be a trainwreck looking for a White Knight and someone that she can manipulate into taking care of her while she plays.


----------



## jsmart

@oldshirt your asking a good question. It's very unlikely that a woman would be interested in a man that's less experience than her. You don't see female gym trainers hooking up with their customers or a female boss getting with one of her minions, ETC. Why? Because a woman wants to look up to her man.

I always notice that man whor.. always do very well with the women; and not just wild girls. Even "good" girls are drawn to sexually experienced men. It's the complete opposite for men. A woman with very little sexual experience is VERY desirable to men as a keeper. We men may lust after a whor. if she's hot but not because of her lifestyle and definitely not to wife her up.


----------



## dadstartingover

No. No. No. Run. Run, for the love of God, run. 

- Signed, future you.


----------



## Diana7

There are many red flags. Firstly she started having sex very young and has had many sexual partners and is still only 25. Secondly she cheated on 2 past boyfriends. Thirdly, she was emotionally cheating with her last boyfriend while with you, fourthly, she flirts with other men. 
All of these things are signs that she has low moral values and is quite prepared to cheat. 

I think she would be terrible wife and mother material. Don't stay just because you fear that no one else will want you. I am pretty sure that you would be here a year along the line saying that she had cheated. Its almost certain. 

This is a disaster waiting to happen, you shouldn't have got back with her.


----------



## MattMatt

She might be ready to settle down now. Possibly.

However I would suggest a lengthy courtship. A very lengthy courtship.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

You may want to ask yourself... "am I the one who will hold her love and attention above all others?"

If not, why not... that is what you will be asking for in marriage?

It is easy to give love to those who need more love in their lives, it is not easy to live with giving love to the wrong person.

As a messenger, pay attention to the messages given...


----------



## TJW

oldshirt said:


> Support, servitude and supplication perhaps?
> 
> sounds a lot like someone with a history of CSA or even some kind of personality disorder.
> 
> This may be a trainwreck looking for a White Knight and someone that she can manipulate into taking care of her while she plays.


Here is wisdom.

Please hear it, keep yourself a good, decent, upright man, and find yourself a good, decent, upright woman to marry.
@Diana7 is correct. It's "almost certain" you will be cheated upon by her.

And, as someone else said, her cheating may turn out to be a lesser problem than another highly-likely issue that will arise in your marriage:



jsmart said:


> You're too young and especially inexperience to be thinking about marriage anyway, especially to a girl like this. It's a recipe for heart break for you and frustration for her.


Do yourself a big favor...... read this recent thread....
"between the lines" to the husband being spoken about.


----------



## Sparta

OP Run as fast as you can.! The first smartest thing you did was to come here, and ask for our advice.! Now do the second smartest thing and listen to it. Please do not second-guess us.! If you do you not take the advice that is so freely given here, well you will regret it. And if your pride and ego don’t get in the way you probably will be back to tell us the horror story that transpired in your life.


----------

