# I don't know what to do...



## *newly*wed* (Dec 30, 2008)

OK, I’m a newbie to this forum, and I need your help. This is a fairly long story, so bear with me please…

I have been married to my DH for just over 3 months, we have been living together for 1 year, been together for 5 years and known each other for 9.

To help you all see the picture, I’ll give you some background on DH…. His best friend killed himself 2 years ago, DH has never forgiven himself for not being able to save him. Since then, every year around the same time, DH gets depressed, around Nov 07 he started on anti-depressants, and same thing this year. Except this year, his depression/paranoia got so bad that he thought I was actually cheating on him.

Cut to Dec this year, he starts receiving text messages from this girl at work. Texts asking him to come online on facebook so she can talk to him privately. Then there’s late night texts saying that she needs his attention and asking why she hadn’t heard from him all day.

DH is still on the AD’s, but he drinks with them as well. He says he can’t sleep of a night time because the AD’s give him such a buzz, so its either drink alcohol or take sleeping tablets (which he doesn’t like doing…)

We have been fighting about this girl constantly, and this sh*t hit the fan on Friday night. I asked DH about something (after he had been out on a boys night drunk as a skunk) and he just skitzed out. He went downstairs and tried to lock me out of the garage because he said he wanted to hang himself. His mum & dad came around and we eventually calmed him down and things were OK for a few days.

DH & BF went out again on Saturday night for a boys night (BF was in from out of town for the weekend…) which I asked if I could tag along on, but wasn’t allowed…

FFW to Tuesday, I’m on facebook looking at the new photos that DH’s best friend had put up that he had taken when he was in town and noticed that he had “add ***** as a friend” on facebook… that got me thinking, so I went to her page and there was her status update saying “thanks **** & **** for a great night”

So, I ask DH about it, and he says that she texted him while they were out and asked where he was, and they met up… (now, DH & BF didn’t leave home until 12.30 so why is she texting so late to “see what hes up to” to begin with? He could have been at home, in bed, with his WIFE!!!)

Anyway, I was so upset that he hadn’t told me, and that after everything that had happened on Friday that he still agreed to meet her knowing full well how I felt.

Well, last night, sh*t hit the fan again. We talked and fought and argued and screamed until 1am. I wrote him a 5 page letter to try and explain how I feel. DH tried explaining to me that he likes to talk to her because shes on AD’s as well, and she has been suicidal before and knows what he’s going through. He says he talks to her because I can’t understand how he’s feeling or what he’s going through. He also said that “what I’m doing to him is making him want to kill himself, and that he shouldn’t be feeling this way because of the AD’s”.

I understand that at the moment, DH needs a friend to talk to. And after hearing everything he said to me last night, I said to him I wont chuck the sh*ts about the texts and the phone calls and the facebooking, as long as he agrees not to meet her and get drunk with her again. Surely, 2 depressed people, both on AD’s, shouldn’t be getting drunk together as alcohol is a depressant in itself?

I’m OK with it if he wants to continue chatting with her, but I can’t pretend to be OK with the meetings… I don’t know if I am being unreasonable (DH thinks I am), but I am worried about DH and just want to help him. I don’t think that these two using each other as an emotional crutch is a good thing. I don’t want them to form a dependence on each other. I don’t want DH to be put in that situation.

DH says that he never forgive himself for not “saving” his best mate when he died. And he knows how to save someone now. He feels as though he has to “save” this girl to prove to himself he can do it. I told him last night that it shouldn’t be his responsibility as he’s only known her for 3 weeks… And that he shouldn’t be putting this on himself. I am worried that if he can’t “save” her – what is it going to do to my husband?

I’m not sure I actually need advice… I can’t talk to DH about it anyway, he just flies off the handle into a blind rage as its all been about this for the past 2 weeks.

I would just really like some reassurance that what I am doing is OK… that this “friendship” isn’t going to tear apart our marriage (which is how it feels). That my husband loves me. That I’m not losing my mind. I don’t know, I just feel really lost and confused…. Help?

*newly*wed*


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## Wyst (Dec 27, 2008)

Wow - that is a lot to deal with! I think what you are doing thus far is about as good as anyone can can ask for with the knowledge you have and situation you are dealing with. It's probably best not to compound the matter with the other girl at this point. Your tollerance of that gives him the gift of trust - a very precious gift indeed.

I am concerned about the alcohol combined with the antidepressants. That really isn't good. I presume he had the ADs prescribed by a GP? It sounds like he really could use the input of a psychologist. I would also be wary of the possibility that he could use other drugs given the circumstances.

It sounds like he has never been able to process his grief over losing his friend properly. Sometimes grief doesn't follow a "normal" path and professional help is very important. 

Given that he has threatened suicide once, I think maybe what you need to do is something for yourself. If you are able to get to see a counsellor of some sort for yourself, you can get someone with the professional know-how on your side who can help you cope. That would also mean extra eyes on the situation so that if your DH needs hospitalization that can be handled. I'm suggesting this way round because I know it can be utterly impossible trying to pursuade certain guys to go near a "shrink" of their own accord. One way or another, he definitely needs more help than just being given antidepressants and no counselling, especially since he is not using the antidepressants responsibly.

But stick around and see what other people ahve to say and suggest. there are some pretty wise folk on these forums and I'm jsut a new ol' lady on the block myself.


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