# Am I out of line?



## Loveandconfused (Mar 14, 2016)

Hello! I'm a newlywed of 4 months, and although we've had previous problems, I'm finding myself more hurt after every fight since we got married. I'm not sure if I expected marriage to be different or if I expected him to be different, but our latest problem may seem somewhat of a silly one, but not to me. I'm currently unemployed taking care of our daughter while he's the breadwinner. He does well, financially, or else this would never even be an issue. So, here it is...I drive a used car that's 13 years old, but is paid off, while he drives a '15 Mercedes...that's not the problem, because I obviously am happy for him. The issue lies with me wanting to upgrade my car...nothing fancy, but newer. I do some odd jobs on the side And get minimal income, but was still willing to take on the responsibility of payment myself. Since I don't have a steady income and bad credit, I obviously need a co-signed...one would think, "oh your husband", wrong! He won't co-sign for me because if I default he wouldn't want the burden because he don't have the extra money for 2 car payments. Okay, understandable...that is until I find out he's looking to finance a Harley!!!! Now I'm pissed! I know it's no ones responsibility to support me, but if he selfish enough to be riding around in a brand new car and soon to be Harley, all while his wife and child are driving a run down car...how could he feel good about that?! Am I wrong to think a man should want his wife to be taken care of if he is? It's one thing when he had a new car and I didn't because I assumed we couldn't do more financially, but to make arrangements when it benefits yourself, seems wrong to me. Am I out of line to feel this way, or as a wife, should I expect my husband to put his family first?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

How long have the two of you been together? How old is your daughter and is he the biological father? Did you marry because of the child?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I do not think you are wrong, have you discussed with him how it is ok to get a harley but you not have a decent vehicle to take his child to appointments etc?
He sounds pretty selfish to me.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

You are not out of line. 

I think you married my ex. lol.... good luck with that


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

No, you're not out of line. It sounds like you married that type of man, the man who thinks that the money he earns is his to spend. If he wants toys for himself, he can buy them. If you don't bring home the bacon, then that's your tough luck.

The new Harley puts this one into unacceptable territory for me. Tell him the priority for the *family* is an upgrade to the car that you drive your child around in. Once that is taken care of, the *family* will consider the Harley.

(Frankly, if it were me, I would find a way to lease a nice, new child-friendly car for myself.)


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Okay he is just being a ****, I think he still thinks he is single...how old are the both of you? He needs a reality check.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Did you explain to him before you got married how much you expected your standard of living to improve on his back? 

Get a job. Pay off the bad debts. Pay the current debts on time.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

That's a pretty crappy thing to do. I've bought tires for my wife's car when she couldn't afford them, she works but doesn't make much money, but the bottom line is my kids' well being and making sure she has a reliable vehicle is top priority over any extra toys I want for myself. 

No you are not out of line at all.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

everybody has to make their own way in the world.

go back to work and then spend the money you earn anyway you want.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

In our marriage, all money and property is OURS, not mine, not hers. For a year or so after I got married my wife didn't have a steady job, though she would substitute teach (she's a school teacher) 5 or 6 days a month. She moved away from the job she had, and from her home to mine. Inside a year we had a child, too. Anything we bought was ours, came out of our joint account, and was shared. It is STILL that way. I always made sure she had a good reliable vehicle at home, even if what I drove was subpar. I would never even consider buying anything expensive without consulting her, even to this day.

He sounds selfish and childish. If it were me, I would swap vehicles when I knew my wife and child had errands to run. I think both of you have a lot of growing up to do, but he definitely has the wrong attitude toward marriage. I guess I'm just old-fashioned, but I always thought that when you get married everything automatically was a shared responsibility, and that it doesn't matter who makes more money, you should have equal access to what's best for the family, not the individuals. I've seen several marriages end because the two parties couldn't agree on spending habits, and ended up ruining their livelihoods with overwhelming debt. You have to absolutely live within your means, and budgeting is tantamount for your future. Neither partner "deserves" better than the other partner in the relationship, in my opinion.


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## Stack (Mar 14, 2016)

I am a husband for 22 years with the same wife. In those 22 years, I have never thought "my money; her money" or "my stuff; her stuff". Good husbands don't think like that. Roommates think like that, and rightly so. Regarding that better, nicer, more reliable car... would it be different if you and your child needed winter coats and he said he can't afford them? Would you be so unsure of yourself if, instead of winter coats for you and your child, he bought a $1700 wave runner? 

The issue is him, not you. From what I gathered reading your post, a used car, still under warranty, is not unreasonable. Unless something changes, mainly him, bitterness will define your relationship, that is only until the bitterness turns into anger.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

That's just plain wrong. You are NOT out of line, period.
He is to protect you. If you go out and drive around in a POS car while he is in a Mercedes, he should be ashamed of himself.
He should be PROUD to buy you a new car.

This really pisses me off!

As a matter of fact HE should be the one driving around in the 15 year old car and you should get the Mercedes.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

^^ Exactly, UMP!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Um wow. Just so you know. My wife and kids were always in the new car. I would always buy a Honda with 150,000 miles on it to beat up going to and from work. I think you need to conceder your future with this man. This is not a good start.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

alte Dame said:


> No, you're not out of line. It sounds like you married that type of man, the man who thinks that the money he earns is his to spend. If he wants toys for himself, he can buy them. If you don't bring home the bacon, then that's your tough luck.
> 
> The new Harley puts this one into unacceptable territory for me. Tell him the priority for the *family* is an upgrade to the car that you drive your child around in. Once that is taken care of, the *family* will consider the Harley.
> 
> (Frankly, if it were me, I would find a way to lease a nice, new child-friendly car for myself.)



I really don't think he will listen to any argument on this. Not with what has already happened. He just doesn't give a damn.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Why is it not his responsibility to support you? If he were unemployed and you were working, it would be your responsibility to support him, no?

You are not just sitting around playing video games. You are taking care of your daughter.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Loveandconfused said:


> The issue lies with me wanting to upgrade my car...nothing fancy, but newer. I do some odd jobs on the side And get minimal income, but was still willing to take on the responsibility of payment myself. Since I don't have a steady income and bad credit, I obviously need a co-signed...one would think, "oh your husband", wrong! He won't co-sign for me because if I default he wouldn't want the burden because he don't have the extra money for 2 car payments. Okay, understandable...that is until I find out he's looking to finance a Harley!!!!


If you are married it's irrelevant whether he cosigns for you or not. Debt acquired in the marriage is communal debt, so he is liable for it whether he sign or not.

And if he's looking to finance a Harley then he does have the money for an extra payment.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think you need to get a job first to show that you are willing to do your share. Then, you have a stronger case to make for a newer car. As it is, since he makes the money, you really have no case for a new car. I do agree that he should discuss the Harley with you since your new car should be given priority over that but if a woman wants to come into a marriage with no income and bad credit, she can't expect luxury. Where I come from, you have to do your share. It appears you aren't doing your share in this marriage.


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## stacylong (Mar 14, 2016)

No you are not out of line. Your request is a very reasonable one. You have shown incentive and that you are not lazy. Before he spends more money on himself he should think of you.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

LandC,

Why do I imagine this guy sulking when he doesn't get what he wants?

I've always driven the older car, because it was easier for me to walk to a parts store buy a new battery and put it in my car than my W. 

My working SIL always drove the older car, so that my gigantic, obese, non-working BIL could drive the new one. I lose respect for men that do this to their wives.

Tamat


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Loveandconfused said:


> I'm currently unemployed taking care of our daughter while he's the breadwinner.


I don't think anyone's bothered to ask you if that was an arrangement you and your H made? You mentioned you have a few side jobs. Did the both of you agree for you to stay at home and raise your daughter? Or do you normally work outside the home?

While I've always been independent in my relationships (separate finances), I think it's real sh*tty of your H to act this way. There's a child in the mix. That changes things. 

How old is your daughter? If you were to get a job, would you put her in daycare? I'm not a mother, but I've heard daycare is horribly expensive. Way more expensive than a monthly car payment. That might change his tune. While I agree _to a certain extent_ that it's not his job to take care of your finances, it _is_ his job to take care of his daughter. And if you need a newer car, he should help.


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## Julius Beastcavern (May 11, 2015)

Your husband needs to make a choice, either you both agree you stay home to look after your daughter in which case everything is shared or you pay for someone to look after your daughter and you get a job


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

So there are a few issues here that need to be considered.

First, you don't need a new car. If your car is old but drives fine and is safe it is within his right to evaluate the family finances and say whether he supports an upgrade at this time. Knowing you have no job and bad credit I can see him not helping you because he would be responsible for it's payment if you didn't pay for it. If I were in his shoes I'd say no to the new car. I personally drive an old car, not because I can't afford a new car (I have the income and credit to buy just about anything I want) but because I don't see the necessity to spend money on a status symbol. 

Second, when I was married I always drove the older car because if the car broke I was far more likely to get it moving again than my spouse, who would have been stranded. However, I wouldn't always subscribe to that for other people. I don't know what your husband does but some people need fancier cars for their jobs (e.g. does he sell real estate or drive clients around?). So while that worked for me it might not be the same situation for you.

Third, as a general rule it is good to empower yourself and not be dependent on someone else. If you want a new car and have bad credit and no job you have the power to change your situation. Don't be reliant on your husband. You already know the type of man you married and it seems he is the type to put himself first. I hope you didn't marry him expecting that he would instantly change the things you didn't like about him. 

Fourth, I agree it's a d1ck move on his part to buy a new motorcycle before you getting a newer car. You need to sit down with him and decide how you are going to do finances as a family. If what he's proposing isn't working for you, then make it known and figure out a way to do finances that you are both comfortable with.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I think that you'll have to show your husband that you are capable of being independent and able to secure a regular job. Right now your husband may feel he doesn't have a partner, but a dependent with a child. A job would be your first step and would not only empower you, but alter his view of your identity and contribution to the relationship. 

I'm of a slightly different view than those saying he's just purely selfish. Right now as the main breadwinner he not only supports you and your daughter's way of life, but he feels that his position (if unchanged) will make him miss out on something he wants in life. He's probably not the type of man who is just going to support you and your daughter and ignore or push aside his own interests. You on the other hand, seem to expect this of him.

You are not being unreasonable. I think that you both may have some unspoken or undisclosed expectations going into your relationship and now that you are facing them, you see the differences more clearly. 

I'd also like you to answer blueinbr's post below, as it will help give posters more context. 




blueinbr said:


> How long have the two of you been together? How old is your daughter and is he the biological father? Did you marry because of the child?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You married a bug not a man.

I'm opposite him. I earn pretty much all the money but Mrs. Conan drives the nicer car.

I use my vehicle to get to work and run errands. We use hers for dating.

I really don't like men like your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Bananapeel said:


> First, you don't need a new car. If your car is old but drives fine and is safe it is within his right to evaluate the family finances and say whether he supports an upgrade at this time. Knowing you have no job and bad credit I can see him not helping you because he would be responsible for it's payment if you didn't pay for it. If I were in his shoes I'd say no to the new car.


The idea of "you look after yourself and I'll look after myself" ends at the wedding vows. Marriage is a partnership and not a manager / employee relationship. He will be responsible for the payments whether he agrees to the purchase or not.

If he is suggesting that they can't afford a second car payment but they can afford for him to get a Harley then he is being an ass.

OP said they had been married for 4 months but not how long they have been together as a couple. I'm assuming that the daughter is theirs together and not from a previous relationship. If he is neither the biological nor adopted father then I could start to understand how he doesn't want to spend money on them together but he should have thought about that before they got married.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Drive by whiner, can't answer any questions because then the story wouldn't be so one sided.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

WonkyNinja said:


> The idea of "you look after yourself and I'll look after myself" ends at the wedding vows. Marriage is a partnership and not a manager / employee relationship.
> 
> For some people yes and others no. I have seen all sorts of relationships. Some work best as an equal partnership and others work better when the balance isn't equal. Who's to say your method is universally the best?
> 
> ...


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Bananapeel said:


> The idea of "you look after yourself and I'll look after myself" ends at the wedding vows. Marriage is a partnership and not a manager / employee relationship.
> 
> For some people yes and others no. I have seen all sorts of relationships. Some work best as an equal partnership and others work better when the balance isn't equal. Who's to say your method is universally the best?
> 
> ...


Since we don't know why her credit is too bad for a car loan when he's driving a '15 Merc we really don't know the history. But even if her credit wasn't bad there is usually a line on the application form reading something like "Annual Income". The answer '$0.00' isn't usually the best one for approval. :smile2:

But IMHO a newer, presumably safer, vehicle for your child to be driven around in comes above a new Harley for the weekend. His statement to her that they can't afford a second car payment is obviously incorrect.

I also have to assume that they agreed that she be a SAHM so expecting her to be able to make the car payments is pretty unrealistic. 

When you are married and a parent you get the toys to enjoy after everything else is taken care of.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

yeah he doesn't want to be married. why is this guy married? He, without telling you, is trying to finance a Harley but has no concern for you driving a 13 yo car? I am not saying everyone is entitled to a new car, but in the context of this situation, he is a 'me' guy. no doubt about it.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Your husband has a lot to learn from stack.


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