# lost with kids



## kybt (Apr 18, 2011)

Ok so here it goes. I have been with my wife for 19 years and married for 14 of them we have two kids 10 and 6. We have always been the average couple. I am more out going than my wife. We have been up and down for 10 years but always found a way to work through it, nothing major just a lot of little things. We have been kinda drifting apart for the past 5 years with the kids and work. We tried date nights and finding us time. Our sex life sucks maybe 5 times a year and then its more to say we did it. We have no passion, I always have to initiate everything from a kiss, to a hug to even a "I love you". We don't even sleep in the same room anymore(she says its because of my snoring). I have tried to bring some of it up with her but it is always turned back on my from not helping out around the house or the kids are wearing her out. Now I can say I am not the most domesticated person but I do try to help out with what I can. I work a min of 50 hours a week, I'm my kids soccer coach and make every kid event. I always offer to take the kids out for the day on the weekend to give her a break but then she says she wants to go. She also does not know how to just relax she always seems on edge and the house has to be just so.

I am tired of it, but I love my kids. I want to be there for them and my only bright light of my day is coming home to them. I am not sure what to do. I have thought about a marriage concealing( I am nor sure she would go for it) or a separation. So I need some help.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Sorry for no one replying to your message for a couple days... this sub-forum doesn't seem to have alot of regular posters. Sometimes the main forum seems like the better one.

I'm in pretty much the same boat as you, but I've been married to my W for 9 years. I'm also my son's soccer coach (ha!). If I don't initiate any physical affection or say I love you, we probably would have never done it once in our whole marriage. And I know what you mean about having sex just to get the monkey off your back.

So fortunately, I'm very knowledgeable about your problem. Unfortunately, there don't seem to be alot of good, easy solutions. Likely, we both chose whom to marry poorly and shouldn't have married our wives. They're not good matches for us (or many people at all for that matter). Some women aren't equipped and weren't taught the skills necessary to be a good wife. Just like some men never learned the skills to be a good husband/father.

I think the whole "you don't help enough around the house" bit is just a cop out so she doesn't feel like she's 100% of the problem. And she's maybe hoping to take advantage of your sadness to get you to do some more chores. You mention you work 50 hours a week, but how many does she work? How old are your kids? Watching toddlers and babies is really tough (I'd rather go to my office job anyday of the week than do that), but watching kids older than 5 really isn't that tough unless you're a lazy parent.

Your wife needs to know how much this is bothering you for one. I gave my wife a letter because she would always interrupt me and not let me finish everything I had to say before she started launching her defense mechanism tactics at me. The letter at least let me feel like I got it all out, even if she didn't read it well. Of course, it was a page and a half and I think she just assumed it said 4 words, "I want a divorce." I tried to make it clear that I didn't want that though.

The letter didn't work for me, so I pushed for marriage counseling. It helped a little even though our counselor wasn't very good. A decent counselor though will be a 3rd opinion that your wife will respect more than yours and she'll learn that your expectations of her to be affectionate and sexual are not unreasonable. Maybe it'll get your wife to tell you a hard truth that she's not telling you now, such as she doesn't love you or whatever. Don't count on it though; she likes getting your paychecks and having help with the kids, so even if she doesn't love you and wants nothing to do with you in the bedroom department, most women will try to keep you around to continue sucking you dry for finances and child help.

If kids weren't in the picture, divorce would probably be ideal. But it's hardly fair for a man. A divorce means you'll lose half your wealth, about half of your future income, give up or sell your house, move into a small apartment probably, and get to see your kids about 70% less than you did before. That doesn't sound any better to me than living in a loveless marriage, so I'm continuing to just suffer through the lessor of 2 evils in my opinion. Plus staying seems better for my kids and their development.

Affairs aren't the answer either by the way. Their costly, will turn your life upside down, and will leave you even more hurt after it's over. I don't know from experience, but I've witnessed this and read about it.

So tell your wife the whole and complete truth about how unhappy you are and then suggest marriage counseling. It might not help, but you can't call it quits and say you tried everything for the kids until you at least give marriage counseling a good, earnest effort. And let your wife know that divorce/separation is a possibility in your mind. She needs to be woken up to the reality of the situation if you want any chance of her coming around. Good luck.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

They tell me here that there's a love language thing. Go check it out. Maybe household chores is your wife's thing.


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