# Needed Attraction for Sex



## ladybruce35 (Jul 27, 2015)

I've been with my husband for 10 years, married for 4 years. We have a 1 year old daughter. We have had sex 2 times in 1 1/2 years. Seriously!!!! I have no physical attraction to my husband anymore and I haven't had the heart to tell him that. But there are contributing factors to these feelings. He's not a romantic or intimate guy. I demand that...have demanded that! I never get it. The physical attraction is gone. What should I do? 2 times in 1 1/2 years, that's pitiful. No desire to cheat!:crying:


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

First off, attraction is certainly NOT required for sex. Millions of sex workers around the world (male and female) have sex multiple times a day with people for whom they have no attraction. So that is entirely BS. 

Is he OK with such a limited sex life?
Waht are the "other factors" you are talking about?

Hard to help with so little information.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you turning him down a lot? Or is neither of you every initiating?

It's not unusual for a spouse, male or female, to lose attraction for their spouse and then for the sex in the marriage to drop off.

Generally this happens when a person's important emotional needs are not being met. How much time a week do you and your husband spend together, just the two of you, doing date-like things?

What have you told him about your feelings and needs? How has he responded?

There are two books that might help you.

"His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters" both by Dr. Harley.

I suggest that you read them first. They can help you figure out how to talk to him and what to ask for. And then after that, ask him to read them with you and work through the things that the books say to do.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

ladybruce35 said:


> I have no physical attraction to my husband anymore and I haven't had the heart to tell him that.



Based on the amount of time that has passed, you need to tell him this but also include in the conversation your desire to improve the situation. It will not be a pleasant conversation, but sometimes you have to tackle things head on if you want to make a change.

In a relationship there should be enough trust that you can say things to each other knowing that it may hurt the other person. This in turn allows the other person to be mindful of issues going on in the relationship and work towards resolving them. 

Plus 9 months of pregnancy and a 1 year old daughter can add enough stress to reduce both of your libidos, and the energy to raise a child (even for a providing husband) can leave one drained at the end of the day to be playful and romantic. 

Your situation at the moment is kind of like two kids pinching each other in the arms in regards of being in a sex starved marriage (SSM). SOMEBODY will have to forgive first and STOP the cycle that the two of you find yourself in. So engage in a debate about how you are having problems feeling attracted to your husband, and then offer to get naked and hold each other, and that if you can't get yourself in the mood for sex that you will at least try to give him a handjob or blowjob to start releasing some tension and stress of this sex starved cycle. 

Males need intimacy to feel accepted.
Females need to acceptance (romance) in order to feel intimate.

Theoretically that should create a cycle of long term love, but sometimes the cycle gets broken. Someone will have to put in some effort first to get things going again!

Best wishes, 
Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

KanDo said:


> Millions of sex workers around the world (male and female) have sex multiple times a day with people for whom they have no attraction. So that is entirely BS.


For what it is worth, I think this comment is probably the absolute worst response I have ever heard on this forum. 

Yes sex workers do have sex with people everyday for whom they have no attraction. *Under no circumstances what so ever should a wife ever engage in acts of sexual intimacy with the husband that thinks "well if a sex worker can do it, so can my wife!"* A wife needs to feel loved, protected, and respected. Generally speaking sex workers are very vulnerable for their own personal reasons and allow themselves to just be sexually used and abused by anyone in exchange for money.

It was probably not meant to hurt, and you can just take this as an example of how clueless some people are. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

badsanta said:


> For what it is worth, I think this comment is probably the absolute worst response I have ever heard on this forum.
> 
> Yes sex workers do have sex with people everyday for whom they have no attraction. *Under no circumstances what so ever should a wife ever engage in acts of sexual intimacy with the husband that thinks "well if a sex worker can do it, so can my wife!"* A wife needs to feel loved, protected, and respected. Generally speaking sex workers are very vulnerable for their own personal reasons and allow themselves to just be sexually used and abused by anyone in exchange for money.
> 
> ...


Well I don't think it's worth much!
No where in my response did I say anything about a wife having sex with a husband who thinks "well if a sex worker can do it, so can my wife!". Nor did I imply abuse by anyone or a lack of respect. One thing I do agree about, it is pretty amazing how clueless some people are and how they project their own issues into their forum responses. 

I stated an undeniable fact. Sexual expression does not require attraction. Partners can give to each other if they choose to without attraction or desire. Not once did I mention the husband making a demand or forcing the wife to do anything. My comment was quite specific. . A person (male or female) can personally choose to sexually express themselves (in multiple ways) without being attracted. . It may be possible to reduce resentment and animosity while working on the root issues by being willing to quell this cause of conflict.

I feeel there must be a story behind your vitriol.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

It is completely absurd to compare sex in relationship to sex workers. What's the point?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

The point is that we know almost nothing about the OP issue other than she is not having sex with any frequency and that her needs are not being met in other areas. She "doesn't have the heart" to tell her husband that she has lost attraction for him. She is making statements seeking direction, so she isn't just bailing out of the relationship. I don't know how distressing the lack of sex is to hubby, but absence of current attraction doesn't mean the OP can not choose to have sexual encounters of some flavor with her husband as part of her a first steps in working on the host of other issues that are likely at play. It is that simple.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I doubt the husband needs to be told she doesn't want him to touch her with a ten foot pole. Get a divorce...end the misery.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think there is one way it is an interesting comparison. 

Imagine you were married to someone who was in every way a wonderful person, but you were just not physically attracted to them - there was simply no spark. Nothing they could do to change it. 

Your options would be to live basically sexless - which would presumably make your partner very unhappy.

You could open the relationship - but that tends to end badly for most couples who try it.

You could ask for a divorce - leaving someone who (as is posited here) is wonderful in every other way,

Or you could have sex with them without attraction, providing sex essentially as a service (possibly without telling them), pretending to enjoy just as sex workers do.


I'm not claiming what is the right action, but I wouldn't necessarily rule at the last option without considering it. This is assuming that sex with them is not actively repulsive, but that you just aren't particularly attracted. 


Obviously the best is to figure out how you can be attracted to each other - if you can.





WandaJ said:


> It is completely absurd to compare sex in relationship to sex workers. What's the point?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

KanDo said:


> *I stated an undeniable fact.* Sexual expression does not require attraction. Partners can give to each other if they choose to without attraction or desire.
> 
> I feeel there must be a story behind your vitriol.


Hi Kando, 

Nothing in life is certain. Even though this is not your thread, I'll share my story. I was an avid porn user decades ago (VHS) and realized by the time I was still a teenager that everything in porn is faked by the women. Virtually all of the women feel no attraction, no desire, no lust or any sexual gratification for that matter if you actually pay attention and stop staring at their boobs. Then once I started dating I realized by reading research that the vast majority of women are never able to orgasm through traditional intercourse (penetration alone). I remember being in college and after trying to learn how to give and take with intimacy that I was doing it all wrong. It is about SHARING and not about give and take. 

Then once I realized what sex and love is really about, I realized what was actually happening in all the porn I used to watch. 

*Now back the the original poster*, if she ever comes back.... Seriously, some guys just don't get it! I only know because I was one of them when I was a teenager. Marriages fall in and out of love from time to time, and you can desire your husband again and feel attracted, but you are going to have to have the courage to let him know how you feel (not attracted to him) so that he can be aware of how you are feeling and work with you together on those feelings and nurture each other. The fact that you want to desire him again is a key ingredient to start with, just be patient as he finds the right ingredient to add back into the relationship. Don't expect romance from him, just find your own happiness from within and SHARE that with him. Perhaps the joy of raising a daughter together is a great place to start! 

It definitely helps to have a babysitter and learn to be comfortable with your daughter sleeping away from home, say at Grandma's house! This will allow you and your husband to reconnect.

SIncerely, 
Badsanta


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## ladybruce35 (Jul 27, 2015)

KanDo...

To me...there is a difference between "having sex" and "making love." The 2 times we did have sex...it was just that...SEX! I feel like i should get more than that. Besides i can have sex with anyone! I'm sure my husband isn't pleased with this situation and I'm very positive he has turned to porn but all I'm saying is that...it's just not there anymore. We've been through so much...he's cheated on me with my sister. I mean...its been just an endless rope of disappointment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybruce35 (Jul 27, 2015)

I have turned his advances down in the past..he really doesn't ask anymore. I know he's turned to porn and probably has cheated. We don't go out on dates...we have been on maybe 5 dates in 10 years. We also have a 11 year old and a 9 year old. Our emotional connection is void....our physical connection is void...its all void! I was given the book His needs her needs but never read it. I just want to feel like he loves me and i get that feeling from those extra thoughts of me. But i dont get those thoughts from him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He cheated with your sister? How long ago was that? How long was the affair?

Why are you still with him?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

What is keeping you in such a marriage?


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## 3kgtmitsu (Jul 28, 2012)

While we are nowhere near where you are in your relationship, I can tell you from personal experience blaming your partner for your lacking of attraction is going to get nowhere.

Heres a huge problem in relationships, and Im guilty of it too. Focusing too much on what 'you' are getting out of it. You can't control someone elses behavior, but you can your own. I would suggest taking a long hard look at yourself and see if there are areas where you can meet his emotional needs and identify where you may have fallen short. Its a lot easier to point the finger at the other person than taking a long hard look in the mirror. 

And not that I am saying you are like this, but some women are horrible at communicating what they want from their partner, men do not do well with subtle hints, sometimes we need a slap in the face to get the point.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

KanDo said:


> First off, attraction is certainly NOT required for sex. Millions of sex workers around the world (male and female) have sex multiple times a day with people for whom they have no attraction. So that is entirely BS.
> 
> Is he OK with such a limited sex life?
> Waht are the "other factors" you are talking about?
> ...


The OP's problem will not be solved by being passively penetrated by her husband. I doubt that he wants that empty experience anyway. He is probably starving emotionally. If they want, they need to find a way back to each other. If not, they can stay in the stalemate or get an orderly D and find partners better suited to them.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

3kgtmitsu said:


> And not that I am saying you are like this, but some women are horrible at communicating what they want from their partner, men do not do well with subtle hints, sometimes we need a slap in the face to get the point.


Men and women often have different communication styles. It is not up to her to break his code, while he does nothing. His possible inability to hear is no more adaptive than her possible inability to speak concisely. Communication is a two way street. Her husband needs to improve his listening skills and she needs to fashion her communication in a way that he can hear. They should be able to meet somewhere along the line.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

ladybruce35 said:


> ...he's cheated on me with my sister. I mean...its been just an endless rope of disappointment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok c'mon.

That right there is a deal breaker!

He *slept with your sister* and you actually want to try to make this work???!!! 

_*shaking my head*_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

ladybruce35 said:


> KanDo...
> 
> To me...there is a difference between "having sex" and "making love." The 2 times we did have sex...it was just that...SEX! I feel like i should get more than that. Besides i can have sex with anyone! I'm sure my husband isn't pleased with this situation and I'm very positive he has turned to porn but all I'm saying is that...it's just not there anymore. We've been through so much...he's cheated on me with my sister. I mean...its been just an endless rope of disappointment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lady,

I totally agree that there is a difference between having sex and making love. And I am not recommending that resuming sexual expression between the two of you would be a good idea. Frankly, I would divorce him. Sex with your sister would be on my unforgivable sins list. Why are you still with him?


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## 3kgtmitsu (Jul 28, 2012)

I think that bears the question was this before or after he became a sex starved man? If my wife started withholding sex and intamacy from me for any other reason than medical reasons for an extended period of time we would either fix it with counseling or I would be long gone...life is too short and there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Cheating is for weak people..although in some cases I dont feel too bad for those that have been cheated on because they were asking for it.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

I wonder how many wives went through this after a pregnancy and delivery. My wife did too. It was something inexplicable. First I went along with the idea that it was the work, the pressure. More reading up on the chemical and hormonal changes after child-birth gave me a better clue.

In your case, I'm wondering whether there's any sex-deprival, who approach whom for sex, or do neither? Has one or the other been complaining about a lack of sex? If you feel no attraction to him (and women often can't/won't have sex when there's no attraction), then isn't that somehow contradictory to a possible complaint of "too little sex"?


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## 3kgtmitsu (Jul 28, 2012)

Most of the time its one sided..one person wanting it and the other not..when one person is either withholding or just not putting forth any effort its pretty much a breach of the marriage contract imo..by definition you are to serve one another in marriage even though few marriages seem to be that way..its usually one person expecting to be served without serving in return. I see a lot of marriages where they are not even friends let alone lovers. If we all just truely wanted to serve our partners just purely for the joy of serving that person because you love fhem.. then many of our marriages would be a lot more healthy.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

ladybruce35 said:


> I've been with my husband for 10 years, married for 4 years. We have a 1 year old daughter. We have had sex 2 times in 1 1/2 years. Seriously!!!! I have no physical attraction to my husband anymore and I haven't had the heart to tell him that. But there are contributing factors to these feelings. He's not a romantic or intimate guy. I demand that...have demanded that! I never get it. The physical attraction is gone. What should I do? 2 times in 1 1/2 years, that's pitiful. No desire to cheat!:crying:


You have already left the marriage, so you don't actually have a husband. You might have a roommate, a source of income, a co-parent, but you don't have a husband because you aren't really being a wife. I'd suggest that you figure out what you wish to be and be that person 100% of the time. If you can't be a wife to this guy, have the decency to leave him as intact as possible so both of you will be free to find real partners and have real lives. 

You don't need to tell your husband that you have no sexual desire for him. Unless he's just incredibly stupid, he's known than for at least 18 months. Why would he imagine that you found him even the slightest bit attractive? 

If you have no desire to cheat does that mean you have lost sexual desire for all men? If that's the case, your husband isn't the problem. There might be a hormonal reason. That would actually be good news because that's an easier fix. 

Your guy is romantic enough and good looking enough to have held your attention for at least 8 years. If you wish to hang onto this guy because he helps with bills or he's handy around the house or just a real good buddy, make it clear that you're using him only for those purposes and give him clearance to get his intimacy and sexual needs met elsewhere. Of course, as soon as he finds a real partner, he'll probably have little desire to play house with you any longer.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm confused.

You've been with your husband for 10 years total, married for 4 years, last year you gave birth, you also have an 11 year old and a 9 year old? 

Are the older kids from this relationship or previous relationships?

You have zero attraction to your husband. There is zero romance in your relationship. He had an affair with your sister.

What is that you want? 
Do you want justification for not having sex with your husband? 
Justification for not being attracted to him? 
Confirmation that zero attraction and zero sex is okay since he had an affair?
Figure out how to fix this relationship?
Find attraction toward your husband again?
Return to wanting sex with him again?

I am honestly totally at a loss for what it is you seek by posting here.


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