# Comparing myself to the other girl and weight issues: male advice please!



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Wasn't sure where to post this one so I shall try in here...

Right. I am going to be brutally honest which is quite hard so please be gentle... And also this is VERY long so bear with me!

I am in my "early 30s"  I have four children quite close in age (the oldest is 7 and the youngest is 14 months.) I was terribly skinny as a child until I reached my mid-teens when I grew up into what I like to think of as an attractive young lady. I have always been the right weight for my height, I have fluctuated but never been overweight. Always been happy with how I look.

I was at my heaviest after the birth of my fourth child. Now, I wasn't overweight but I do carry extra weight when breastfeeding which always drops off when baby is weaned. It has its benefits though! I did creep up a dress size so resolved when baby reached six months to join the gym.

This coincided with OH's dalliance with the girl at work which gave me more incentive to get back into shape. If I'm being honest (and for some reason I feel embarrassed to admit this) I knew she was a sports freak and very fit and never having been like that AND having four kids, I felt under a lot of pressure from myself to "measure up." I should add that I have been lucky to be in good shape despite not doing regular exercise previously, I put this down to a good diet and not drinking.

Anyway, I joined the gym with gusto, embraced it. I lost weight, got fitter and in a lot better shape. I look better now than I ever have done. Close family and friends have noticed the difference and complimented me.

Now here's the thing...

I'm not quite yet at a point where I want to maintain. My plan was to lose around another half a stone, which would put me right at the bottom end of my BMI range for my height. I want to lose a little extra fat from my belly and thighs. The plan with my trainer was to focus on cardio to burn the fat along with some core strengthening exercises to help with posture and lower back strength (I cannot do any ab work as I have diastasis recti along with a very small hernia so we feel working on core along with improving posture will actually help the appearance of my stomach.)

However... My mum came to visit a month or so ago. I took my coat off and she gasped and said I was looking skinny and I absolutely did not need to lose any more weight now.

I have been throwing this around in my head since. I asked my OH today what he thought. I explained that I had been shopping and tried on a dress which was VERY fitting and what I laughed would be "unforgiving" to the shop assistant. I told him it was but not in the way I'd thought; I realised I have very little left of the baby belly I previously had, and the dress actually showed the line round the bottom of my ribs. I looked a little bony.

OH said that all the work I had done had paid off; he never said much since I started working out but told me I looked great, REALLY good. Said he hadn't wanted to say that as he felt it would come across as saying I looked bad before, which he didn't think at all, but he could really see the difference. But said he didn't feel I needed to lose any more weight.

Now I have never been preoccupied with weight EVER. And I mean ever. We don't own a pair of scales for our bathroom. I've always just gone on the premise that I feel I look okay *shrugs* I just really want to finish what I've started, which was to have a bikini body. I'm not that far off really: I just need to sculpt my belly and lose a couple of pounds off my rear and I'll be there.

The problem? I feel that immense pressure FROM MYSELF to not let up until I'm at least equal to "her" (the girl from his work) physically. Back when it all happened I saw a picture of her in a pretty skimpy dressing up outfit that she put on a Facebook message to him and it's plagued me. It's stupid because I *know* I look good, and even more so I know I look good even though I've not long had my fourth child. OH thinks I look good. I'm just really pissed off at myself that I am allowing myself to still let her get to me. I don't know if I have set myself up to am impossible standard: I know it is going to be difficult to achieve the ideal I have in my head because of my stomach problem and a back issue which causes the problem with my lower back and posture.

So I suppose the first thing to ask is has anyone else (male or female) felt similarly? 

Guys: do you "compare" your wife with other attractive women? I know I'm the one he's with and it's about the whole package but how important really is a pound or two on the belly in the scheme of things?

Lastly: how do I improve my self-confidence with this issue? I feel a bit stuck


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Tobio,
Props to you for a very transparent and unfiltered post. 

Do NOT push yourself to get the last few pounds / inches UNLESS you really plan on sustaining that look over time. 

And he has now point blank told you he thinks you look great. He isn't lying. He isn't being nice. He thinks you look great. 

So don't do anything for him or to compete with her in "his eyes". If he wanted her - he wouldn't be with you. Doing something that is sustainable - sticking with a routine - THAT is hot. It shows you care about yourself and you like to be proud of your appearance. But being crazy about it - is sometimes a show of some type of underlying insecurity....

A fit W who is loving and fun to be with is MUCH preferred to a SUPER fit W who is a bit more tense and edgy because she is pushing her body so hard. Just my opinion. 

FWIW - I have the "fit" W who is loving and fun to be with. I wouldn't trade her for the sports illustrated swimsuit model....




tobio said:


> Wasn't sure where to post this one so I shall try in here...
> 
> Right. I am going to be brutally honest which is quite hard so please be gentle... And also this is VERY long so bear with me!
> 
> ...


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Honestly? I would like to have that look and sustain it. In itself it would be a massive boost to my self-confidence. I never thought I could get to where I am now: sometimes I look at myself and just think it's crazy that this is *my* body post-four children.

I know he wouldn't lie about what he thinks. He is honest like that. So that is very good to know.

And doing this was for me, I had planned it from before he ever met her. What happened gave me extra impetus and motivation. It wasn't about being for him because I needed to do it for myself. It hasn't been about competing with her in his eyes, I would never frame myself like that to him or even speak about my thoughts here to him. It's my issue. He knows I have extra insecurity because of what happened and he feels very guilty about it.

Part of the reason I like going to the gym btw is the "feelgood" endorphins. I always feel great after going. It really elevates my mood. I don't think I am tense and edgy from pushing my body. I've not gone that far and can't see myself being that obsessed.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I get the same endorphine response so I understand that motivation. 

If this is fully a desire for you to reach your "full potential" then go for it. 

BTW - I just recognized the "discussion" you and I are having. I have had it with my W. Like you, she gets ummm - "focused" - on a goal and then God help anyone or anything that gets in the way of whatever that goal is. 

I am remembering back to when you and he had conflict. You are a strong willed person.  






tobio said:


> Honestly? I would like to have that look and sustain it. In itself it would be a massive boost to my self-confidence. I never thought I could get to where I am now: sometimes I look at myself and just think it's crazy that this is *my* body post-four children.
> 
> I know he wouldn't lie about what he thinks. He is honest like that. So that is very good to know.
> 
> ...


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> I get the same endorphine response so I understand that motivation.
> 
> If this is fully a desire for you to reach your "full potential" then go for it.
> 
> ...


Hahaha you are too right in mentioning that kind of "discussion"! Luckily OH sees that and whilst he takes the mickey, he seems to find it quite feisty. 

The thing about being strong willed? I really can be. It's mad because if you met me you would never think it at first. OH describes it as "high maintenance" but says it is a positive critique as it means I won't settle for less than I deserve. I have often said since his thing with the girl that I do not want to be his doormat and he says he has never thought that of me ever. That is good: I just need to believe it of myself now.

Re: the gym, I have been thinking about this. Since joining I have taken up other sports and do classes which have helped with cardio and muscle definition. I think I may find my goal easier than I anticipate. What I do wonder is what will happen when I get to the point where I am happy with my new look. Will the "comparison" issue fade? I do not know what I think on that yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I dont know if the issue will fade. But you might want to find a sport you and he enjoy together so he may admire your body "in motion". 
I love watching my wife make a great save when we play racquetball. 




tobio said:


> Hahaha you are too right in mentioning that kind of "discussion"! Luckily OH sees that and whilst he takes the mickey, he seems to find it quite feisty.
> 
> The thing about being strong willed? I really can be. It's mad because if you met me you would never think it at first. OH describes it as "high maintenance" but says it is a positive critique as it means I won't settle for less than I deserve. I have often said since his thing with the girl that I do not want to be his doormat and he says he has never thought that of me ever. That is good: I just need to believe it of myself now.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

I like lifting weights 

But Ill never look like Arnold. All of my muscles have short bellies. If I were to flex my bicep, there is a noticeable gap between bicep and forearm. No matter how big and strong I get, no matter how many steroids I take (not that I do) I will never get rid of the gap, its genetic. I will never be able to look like Arnold.

I say that, to say this: Do not compare yourselfs to others. Your physiology is going to be unique to you, and you will carry weight differently than this other girl. You can weigh as much as her, but that doesnt mean the two of you will have similar bodies. In fact, at the same weight you could look very very different from each other.

You were right the first time. No scales, and no comparing yourself to someone else, its an impossible standard.

Lastly, one pound of muscle requires about 50 calories per day just to maintain itself. One pound of fat requires about 16 calories. The idea that women need to do cardio and eat salads to get bikini bodies is all hype and marketing. You need to lift weights side-by-side with the guys.
If your trainer has you eating less and doing lots of cardio, your body might start eating its own muscle to stay alive, and as stated at the beginning of the paragraph, more muscle mass increases metabolism and affects Body Fat %, and thats what you want to lose, body fat, not weight.

If you lose muscle mass along with weight, then your metabolism automatically goes down, so when you stop dieting and your calorie consumption goes up, you will gain weight. However, if you gain mucles mass and metabolism goes up, then when your diet is over, and you go back to your normal eating habits, you will find that you may still be abe to lose weight.

Men have approx. 16x the testosterone of women, meaning a man and woman doing the exact same workouts, the man will gain 16x more lean mass than a woman. You will never ever ever be able to look like one of those freaky bodybuilding type girls unless you wanted to, so thats not a worry either.

Also, for ab work try an ab wheel.The abdominals main function is to contract, and hold the spine steady. Standing up straight, squeeze your abs as hard as you can. Thats what they are meant to do, not crunches and sit-ups which put your spine in an ackward position. (although crunches and sit-ups are better for making your abs pop. Vanity Vs. Functionality I suppose.)

My wife has two herniated discs from carrying her bf's backpack as they travelled Europe after High School (classy guy, eh) She couldnt do a sit-up to save her life. But she can do the ab wheel.

Thats all I got for the workout lesson of the day. Maybe tomorrow Ill come back and post something helpful to your marriage related issue.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

SockPuppet said:


> I like lifting weights
> 
> But Ill never look like Arnold. All of my muscles have short bellies. If I were to flex my bicep, there is a noticeable gap between bicep and forearm. No matter how big and strong I get, no matter how many steroids I take (not that I do) I will never get rid of the gap, its genetic. I will never be able to look like Arnold.
> 
> ...


I haven't seen an abs wheel. Not sure if I'd be able to use one? I'm not allowed to do ab work like sit ups because it makes the gap between my abs worse.

I'm not eating any differently atm. I am aware of composition of meals as I used to be vegan and so read up on nutrition a lot. I am veggie now and careful about including different proteins in meals but the stuff you mentiobed is useful so I'll make a note! 

I haven't been lifting weights alongside the guys though. I have more modest dumbbells and also using kettlebells for core and extending the calorie burning for longer. You will "lol" but doing this combined with pushing a double buggy on the school run containing a now hefty baby and a strapping toddler has given my shoulders and upper arms GREAT definition. Really pleased.

When I last met with my trainer I explained how I'd never really focussed on weight. She felt this a really healthy approach and we agreed to measure progress by way of measurements and dress sizes. I have been reading up about exercises to bring my abs back together (there was a three-finger gap in the middle) and I gather with a few weeks' work, closing that gap will decrease my waist measurement by a few inches and give the appearance of a flatter tummy. I don't want to go the surgery route but with this little hernia (I'm not sure what kind it is yet) I don't know how it'll need to be treated yet.

So I've decided to keep focussed on the above rather than weight and an impossible physical comparison. I have a good idea of what I can realistically achieve without going uber-crazy and I will be happy with that. 

Oh and me and OH have talked about doing indoor climbing together. We're both really keen but we need to see if the budget can stretch and also how it would work logistically with getting babysitters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

You admit it's not all that good an attitude to try and compare to this other girl. That's good that you understand this. On the other hand I can understand how you feel and many of us girls have been there ourselves. The problem is, if you put too much focus into the competing (so to speak) with her, you forget to put the right amount of effort into being the best 'you'. We are special, each of us, BECAUSE of our differences and because we are unique, in ourselves. Focus on all your good points, attributes, features, etc...Stay focused on those things, improving what you can. 
Suppose you put so much focus onto this girl and found out your husband was into someone else? Would you then try to be more like her? You see what I'm saying? You have to be the best YOU at all times and the confidence your husband sees and feels in you will by far outweigh a little bit of belly. Perfection is not what most men find appealing or attractive. It's cheerfulness and confidence and being positive in your attitude.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Tobio you don’t have any scales, so how are you monitoring your weight? My wife weighed herself everyday, it was part of her routine. If she’d put on a couple of pounds she cut back on what she eats until her weight was back to what she wanted.

Simply by doing that her weight changed very little throughout the 4 decades I knew her. She was somewhat the envy of her friends who’d ask me how she kept her body looking so good. I told them she watches what she eats and has willpower, it’s as simple as that. They didn’t believe me. I’ve a good friend who’s 40 with a fab body. Her fat friend told her that to keep herself like she is she must be making herself sick!

Get some scales, watch your weight and adjust your food accordingly. Of course exercise is always good, but not as a way of maintaining a healthy weight. Just adjust your intake now based on what weight you want to maintain and exercise you enjoy doing.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

I think it is only natural to compare ourselves to others. However, it is very unhealthy for you to compete against this other women for your husband. He is your husband. You have four children with him.

This all boils down to your husbands character. It is ok to have friends of the opposite sex. Have you ever met this women? What do you know about her? She could be in a relationship. Since your husband talks about her, ask him to ask her to come to your house for dinner. This alone may help you.

Try to be a little more confident in yourself.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I weigh myself here and there now and again. Borrow other people's scales if I need to know for something in particular. When I say I want to lose a few more pounds I'm really saying I want to shift the bit of fat left on my belly and derriere rather than specifically measure pounds dropping off. I suppose it's just easier to refer to it by way of weight as it is measurable rather than "this bit of fat here" IYSWIM.

I have fluctuated through my normal BMI and my body shape has changed over and over since I had my first zeven years ago that it's difficult for me to pick a weight. Since I've been going to the gym it has changed again and I'm looking for tone and definition. I've been lucky really as I haven't suffered stretch marks. The skin on my belly is softer but doesn't look bad really and has gotten better as I have lost fat from there.

And gonefishin, my OH had a short-lived thing with this girl. She's not just a friend he talks about. She is in the past in that sense but it hit my self-esteem and confidence hard. She has many qualities that I have always known he finds attractive that I do not possess and they had a lot in common that me and him do not and that was difficult for me to deal with. Thinking about it I suppose I have without realising picked one aspect I feel I can compete with.

I know it's stupid but I have never wanted to be "mumsy" or out of shape so always made an effort to look good but I am comparing myself to a single working woman with no ties and no children. We're completely different and I think at times I feel the lesser, the second best even though he wanted to come back to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

It's not stupid your feelings, but you have to find a way to overcome them. I believe that every women in nature has a major jealousy issue and she is always scared her husband likes someone else better...

If only you'd know how easy it is to please your husband and make him want to stay with you again and again. 

But you must stop with this... it's not good for your health!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I don't care about what I weigh. I care about my appearance. 
Basically, I know where I stand in retrospect to my goals by looking in the mirror. I think it's a better option than the scale.

I also have family that has always told me that I'm 'too skinny', or , give me flack when at family gatherings that I'm not eating loaded plates of food.

I appear to be very lean, but my BMI has me in the overweight category, simply because it does not account for the fact that muscle weighs more than body fat.

My bottom line?

Decide what is right for you. You seem to be pretty aware of your reasons why. And I'm ok with that. Personally, I have no issues whatsoever with someone wanting to make themselves look 'hot'.

But ... I would caution against using your appearance as a guideline for how your husband 'should' behave.
Guess what I'm saying is, don't EVER presume that if your spouse strays, it is because they found someone 'better' than you. 

Were that my case, I would need to shrink 3 inches and gain 70 pounds around my middle. 

Are you enjoying the process, or do you find it onerous? I guess that would be my question.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Deejo

You said some poignant things there. In particular the part about not assuming he would stray because he found someone "better." I think somewhere deep down this is what plagues me. And looking at what I've said it seems that I take "better" to mean appearance-wise.

I made myself think of other guys I find attractive. Interestingly my OH is not what I'd call my "type". If asked I'd pick out qualities like very tall, very dark haired, bit of a quiff, stocky even. I see guys that look like allbof those and think they're nice. But I don't think OH is any LESS nice because he is none of these. I think he's MORE but I am sure that his attractiveness is not just the looks (he is very handsome and manly) but the other stuff tied up in what I see. I can only assume he feels the same way. I mean, he thinks he is too skinny to be "manly." I see a very lean and toned guy with great arms. What he thinks I would like (which is what he assumes all women to like: a chiselled buff tanned six-foot-something gym-goer with awesome pecs!) is not what I go for. I think he looks great. 

Anyway, I *have* enjoyed my gym journey. I really like the confidence having a better body gives me. I think OH would be surprised though if I ever mentioned all this. Tbh I wouldn't want to rake over that and have her in my mind any more than I already do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

tobio said:


> Tbh I wouldn't want to rake over that and have her in my mind any more than I already do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Perfectly appropriate. That's why we're here, after all.


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