# New Here... Trying to Cope



## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Hi all,

Never written on a board before, but I'm emotionally tortured and seeking advice of those who've been here. My husband and I've been married for 6 years. Long story short, my husband just admitted that he may not want to be married anymore -- he's lost the "passion" for me and our marriage.

For the duration of our marriage, I've been dealing with overwhelming change in every direction:
- I married a divorced man with a young son with major psychological issues (whom I LOVE completely -- he's now 11); we were immediately dealing with a difficult ex-wife and custody battles
- I moved hours away from anyone I knew and states away from my family
- We've moved homes 4 times in the past 5 years
- I started working from home, isolating me from anyone on the outside world; my job duties tripled, leading to frequent 12 hour workdays; my weight increased by 60 pounds; I often broke promises to my husband because work would call and I'd have to jump and change our plans.
- My boss changed into an abusive monster, causing workplace morale to take a nosedive
- I entered a marriage filled with my husband's debt from his previous marriage, causing me to be unable to leave my abusive job
- I lost my sex drive, feeling overwhelmed and trapped by my job, feeling like a doormat, feeling lifeless and unattractive, feeling overwhelmed by my stepson's escalating issues and the ex-wife's continual combative actions, etc.
- As my unhappiness grew, my temper escalated, causing me to have intense outbursts around my husband and son. 

In short, I lost myself.

Upon having my 40th bday, I knew something had to change. I sat my boss down and said, "No more overtime. It's affecting my marriage and I won't tolerate it anymore." I also started very active job hunting. I started to journal, which has helped me to analyze my emotions, my frustrations and more. I started walking. I continued, while my husband left on a 2-week business trip, and worked on getting my "sexy" back with increased exercise, a complete renovation of my eating habits, reading several books on re-igniting my sex drive, enjoying self-pleasure sessions each night, and getting some new clothes and a new haircut.

But, when my husband returned from his trip abroad, and I was ready to unveil the new me, he announced that he was considering divorce. He couldn't take any more stress from my unhappiness. When I shared with him all of the things that were changing and my quest to find myself again, he thought it was just a knee-jerk reaction of panic on my part. He said it may be too little too late because he doesn't feel any passion toward me anymore.

He agreed to go to counseling. We've had a single session and another will be this week. I've spent the past couple of weeks so much happier with myself and attentive to my family, doing what's in my heart and feeling so much satisfaction taking care of myself and also taking care of my husband and son. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I'm so sad to have missed out on the past 6 years. However, this happiness feels smashed by the fact that my husband is still keeping his distance. He says he'll continue with counseling for a while, but doesn't know if it will help him to feel passion toward me ever again. He also says that he feels like all of my attentive actions are simply my panic -- that they aren't real changes and that once "life" starts again, I'll go back to who I was before. He just doesn't know if it will work. He doesn't trust me anymore.

How do I keep my chin up? How do I keep a positive outlook about my marriage when I feel as though my husband is only focusing on the "it won't work" factor? I know it's positive that he's willing to be in counseling with me, but how do I ignore his negative comments? It's only been a couple of weeks, but there's so much uncertainty. I'm happy with my personal changes but so unhappy with how my marriage is right now -- I want to reach out and hold him and make up for my years of poor choices. But he won't let me. This situation hurts so much....


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Hopeful1,

No matter what, you are on your path to happiness. Always remember that. You realized what really mattered to you and have taken the steps to rectify your situation.

Keep going. A couple of weeks won't do it, it will take time to show him and for him to realize this is true -- your changes. All you can do is keep doing what you started.

I know it is hard to keep going when there is negativity coming back at you, but just let it fall away. As i said, no matter what you are on your path to your own happiness -- and that is the only thing you can do.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Feelingalone said:


> Hopeful1,
> 
> No matter what, you are on your path to happiness. Always remember that. You realized what really mattered to you and have taken the steps to rectify your situation.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Good advice.

I was once in your spot. There were days I could have exploded. In my situation everything got piled on me day after day. No one in my house would help with a darn thing--children or husband. Therefore, I've got a couple of questions for you. Is it possible your husband is seeing someone else? Why does he not trust you anymore?


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Unlikely that he's seeing someone else -- he faithfully comes home on time, spends any non-work time at home, does not have strange calls or messages, and shows no signs of infidelity. I had that in my last relationship and tend to be over-sensitive to it. I also asked him in counseling and he swears that's not the case. He hasn't ever been a cheater in his previous relationships. Anything is possible, I suppose, but I also don't want to be wrongfully suspicious or accusatory, which will only fuel his negativity toward me.

He says he doesn't trust me because of the 6 years of broken promises. Promises that we'd do something on a certain day or time, and then work would call and I'd cancel our plans. Promises to be more aggressive in our physical relationship and never taking the initiative. Promises to make him and my son a priority over work and failing to do so for years. He says he's afraid that all of this change is temporary and when the stress gets high in our life again, I'll go back to my old ways.

I certainly admit my part in all of this. For years, it's felt like I was trapped and drowning with all of the outside factors affecting me. And it hasn't been fair to him. I'm finally out of my dark hole, though, and only hope that he'll stick it out with me long enough to prove myself again. I refuse to ever go back to that dark place -- it wasn't fair to my husband, my family, or most important, me. I just hope he can find that small spark again for me and feel passion toward me like he once did. My sexuality now re-engaged, it's so hard to not to be able to just ravage him.... I'm so frustrated to have found myself again, only to feel like the most important person in my life isn't there to greet me.


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