# recently separated from my wife and don't know what to do



## mjsailor72 (Jan 7, 2016)

My wife and I separated recently. I would be lying if I said it was a totally mutual decision. She has grown more distant and suddenly wants more excitement in life. She has started hanging out with new friends, I have caught her lying about where she is at, and she spends all free time on her phone texting with all these new friends. After 17 years we have lost some of the spark in our marriage, but I thought that this happens in most marriages after this much time. If you asked anyone to describe me, they would say loving husband and dedicated father. My family is my identity and I am ok with that. I would say I am proud of it. Once I caught her lying about what she was doing, she blamed me and said it was because i am set in my way and didn't have life of my own, but rely on her and my son for my entertainment. She needs more and suddenly suggested we separate. This went quick, she is in a hotel right now and I have a placed arranged to live in 3 weeks. 

I have no idea how a separation is suppose to work, I can't get her to set rules. She just says she needs her space and we should take this time to see others and bring some excitement and independence to ourselves. The issue I have is that I do not want to see other people. I love her. I would like to go to counseling and work on our communication and find the spark we have lost. I think she wants to see if the grass is greener somewhere else before committing to a divorce.

I am very confused, alone, and unsure what to think. I do not think she was unfaithful when we were together, but with how quickly she asked for a separation once I questioned her sneaky behavior I think something could be brewing. I just don't know what to do. 

I know there is so much more to this issue than anyone wants to read, I just need some help and understanding on how to deal with this situation.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

mjsailor72 said:


> She just says she needs her space and we should take this time to see others and bring some excitement and independence to ourselves. The issue I have is that I do not want to see other people. I love her. I would like to go to counseling and work on our communication and find the spark we have lost. I think she wants to see if the grass is greener somewhere else before committing to a divorce.


News flash: She already has someone and probably has for a while. Smarten up.


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## present 82 (Jan 7, 2016)

Poor chap. Sounds like she is likely fornicating in the hotel with the other bloke as you read.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you really want to fix this file tomorrow that'll give her lots of space. Go dark and get on with the rest of your life.

You may not realize it yet but you have no future here. 

You may wallow around in despair for a year or two and get the same result. 

Why waste all that time being her doormat?????

By the way don't leave the home. She wanted out so let her leave.


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## mjsailor72 (Jan 7, 2016)

What time frame do people use for a separation. My reason for attempting this instead of just divorcing is for our Son. I want him to have his family. He is old enough to understand what is happening, but I believe we owe it t him to try.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

There is no time frame. If the marriage is over, file for divorce. And the marriage is over if she is not interested in couples counseling. Your son will adjust. If you are moving out, he will get the picture soon enough anyway. But there is nothing you can do to force her to work on the marriage, or follow certain guidelines.

My husband asked me to move out last year, after 22 years together. I moved within days, partly because I hated the house, which is in terrible shape, and did not want to be the one stuck with it. Also, I knew that if he got up the nerve to actually ask me to go, he must really want not to be married anymore. We are almost divorced now and quite amiable. We both seem to be happier on our own. I know I am. Sorry to go off on a tangent...but sometimes there is no point in delaying the inevitable. And you do not want to become the second choice, or fall-back person, in the event all her dreams do not come true by being apart from you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You have been replaced.

Whats her new boyfriends name?

Sorry my new friend but your wife is in what we call the affair fog.

Has she rewritten the history of your marriage?

Has she told you "I love you but I'm not in love with you?

Has her appearance changed?

I'm guessing here but, now that she moved out you no longer wait up until she comes home in the middle of the night?

Again sorry.....you can't compete with new love....you just need to let her go and show her the confidence that you will move on and can "just let her go"!!!

Until you can do this she will never second guess what she is giving up.

Until you can show her how positive you are about moving on she will never think twice in what she could be losing.

So show her her new reality by doing the "180"

Until you make her affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible she will think you will always be there for her after the new boy friend is done using her.

Sir you are her "Plan B"

Time to show her you are man to be respected and will not share your wife!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Or you can beg and cry for this marriage and lose even more respect from her!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

At the very least you should hire a PI and find out what you are *really* up against and why!

Once you find out the "why" you can come up with an effective plan that might save the marriage.....but I can telling one thing for sure begging and crying for a women that has already replaced you will not win her back.

You need to find that confident guy you once were so many years ago.

Fake it until you make it brother......don't ever let them see you cry....and "just let them go"!!!!! it just might save your marriage.

Start raising your attraction level by showing her the indifference she deserves for bailing on you. It's time you show her you will not wait around cus sharing your wife is out of the phucking question!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

All you are doing is giving her everything she wants, the comfort (financially) of being married but the ability to hav fun without you...you are being played....and the quicker you realize that the better off you and your son will be....I would still a divorce and shock her back to reality...you can always stop it in the future.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

mjsailor72 said:


> My wife and I separated recently. I would be lying if I said it was a totally mutual decision. She has grown more distant and suddenly wants more excitement in life. She has started hanging out with new friends, I have caught her lying about where she is at, and she spends all free time on her phone texting with all these new friends. After 17 years we have lost some of the spark in our marriage, but I thought that this happens in most marriages after this much time. If you asked anyone to describe me, they would say loving husband and dedicated father. My family is my identity and I am ok with that. I would say I am proud of it. Once I caught her lying about what she was doing, she blamed me and said it was because i am set in my way and didn't have life of my own, but rely on her and my son for my entertainment. She needs more and suddenly suggested we separate. This went quick, she is in a hotel right now and I have a placed arranged to live in 3 weeks.
> 
> I have no idea how a separation is suppose to work, I can't get her to set rules. She just says she needs her space and we should take this time to see others and bring some excitement and independence to ourselves. The issue I have is that I do not want to see other people. I love her. I would like to go to counseling and work on our communication and find the spark we have lost. I think she wants to see if the grass is greener somewhere else before committing to a divorce.
> 
> ...


My ex (long 8 years ago) did the same thing.

Good for you to consider some sort of help, although this can only work if she wants the relationship to work. What you should do is better yourself and, most of all, appreciate yourself. Find your happiness, it will help you get her back (if you wish) or cope with the loss (if it continues).

Relationship Teacher


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## mjsailor72 (Jan 7, 2016)

Your posts were kinda of scary how close to home they hit. This has all been very sudden and in have been a doormat so far. I need to find someway to harden myself to the situation. The more I let it hurt me, the more she maintains the upper hand. Right now my son and I are at home together while a place I have secured opens up. He sees me hurt by the separation and wonders why mom just keeps saying it will be ok and doesn't seem upset. I need to fake it for now and be ok with this situation.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

mjsailor72 said:


> Your posts were kinda of scary how close to home they hit. .


It's called experience!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

#1 rule work on your self.

The "180" is not about winning your wife back it's about getting away from the emotional torture your wayward wife has to offer. The 180 are step you take in creating distance that helps you build up strenght to build your self up.

Once that happens.....let them chace you!

Again working on confidence that makes them think twice in what they are losing, and in the end it will be up to you to decide if the wayward is worthy keeping around.

Until you can get the wayward to second guess their *own* choices they will never do the heavy lifting to help you heal.

In short you are not waiting around ...but moving on and it will be up to them to catch up....or not!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I might have missed it but.....why did your old lady bail?


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## mjsailor72 (Jan 7, 2016)

Just says that we have grown apart, says I am to set in my ways and don't want to better myself. I was happy with the life I was carving out for myself. Mostly she says I don't see her anymore. To a point this is true. She has been critical of me for a while and the more critical she had become, the less attractive she is to me. For a while I just thought it was the typical pains of marriage after 17 years and we would work through it. She has been my best friend for so long. The sad part is that now I will be changing and bettering myself, but she may not be there to be apart of it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

mjsailor72 said:


> Just says that we have grown apart, says I am to set in my ways and don't want to better myself. I was happy with the life I was carving out for myself. Mostly she says I don't see her anymore. To a point this is true. She has been critical of me for a while and the more critical she had become, the less attractive she is to me. For a while I just thought it was the typical pains of marriage after 17 years and we would work through it. She has been my best friend for so long. The sad part is that now I will be changing and bettering myself, but she may not be there to be apart of it.


You still don't know "why"!
Why so critical?
Why the grown apart?


You lost attraction, but she lost attraction...the question is whast did she do once that attraction was lost?

It seems clear you distanced your self but did you stray?

My point is if she strayed then if this 3rd person was out of the picture do you think the both of you could reconnect?

My point is maybe there is a 3rd party infecting the marriage and that should be verified and addressed!

In the mean time find out who and focus on raising your attraction level by having the confidence you once had.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

mjsailor72 said:


> Your posts were kinda of scary how close to home they hit. This has all been very sudden and in have been a doormat so far. I need to find someway to harden myself to the situation. The more I let it hurt me, the more she maintains the upper hand. Right now my son and I are at home together while a place I have secured opens up. He sees me hurt by the separation and wonders why mom just keeps saying it will be ok and doesn't seem upset. I need to fake it for now and be ok with this situation.



Don't fake it. Just realize that positive words and actions yield positive feelings. It is a difficult situation. Reflect upon that. As you do, it will become easier. Don't run away from the pain, embrace it. The pain is there to teach you. It is an alarm. A wound has been exposed. 

Relationship Teacher


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Sailor,

The fact is, and I know you do not want to hear it, but what she told you is probably a bunch of crap. The overwhelming amount of times a long term married woman SUDDENLY wants "space", there is already another man involved. The quicker you can accept that the cleared your head will be. 
And of course now she wants to explore dating others for excitement, when she has most likely been doing that for a while.
You cannot change what your response has been. You already know what you should have done is tell her she can either have divorce or therapy to try to sort out your problems. Instead, she has got you in a position where she can have her fun without you in the way.

And you can also probably bet she either met this new boyfriend while hanging out in places where guys were hitting on her, and they all know about it and are encouraging her. 

Don't beat yourself up. In my opinion, most of the men who find themselves in your position have done exactly the same thing. You were not the first and will not be the last who just cannot see the obvioujs red flags before getting whacked and thrust in to this **** storm.

Now, if you are smart, you will see an attorney, prepare divorce papers, and tell her you refuse to remain in an olpen marriage that she has created. That will do one of two things
(1) she will say fine, in which case you just saved yourself some grief
(2) she will get knocked back into reality 

Right now, there is no chance she will do anything but what she is doing


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Check your phone bill if you want to know who she left you for.

Then let everyone know. Full exposure!


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Don't move out. She needs to get a place, since she is leaving. She's in an affair. Probably started when the attitude toward you changed. Cheaters usually can't just betray you, they have to hate you and hold you in contempt to justify their behavior.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi sailor,

First your son's home is broken, accept it. 
Second: the odds at this point that she is not shacking up with OM are the same as winning the power ball. 

How you you react will define you, not that she dumped you another man.
Please read theses Threads 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/128754-examples-cheaters-script-thread-resource.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/191138-chump-lady-article-cheaters-nice-vs-kind.html

Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Here is how you handle it. File for divorce ASAP. Then you pick yourself up and move on with your life. I will warn you that they can get a little crazy once they start to realize that you are not there for them anymore.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

mjsailor72 said:


> Your posts were kinda of scary how close to home they hit. This has all been very sudden and in have been a doormat so far. I need to find someway to harden myself to the situation. The more I let it hurt me, the more she maintains the upper hand. Right now my son and I are at home together while a place I have secured opens up. He sees me hurt by the separation and wonders why mom just keeps saying it will be ok and doesn't seem upset. I need to fake it for now and be ok with this situation.


Read the attachment and start taking charge of your life. Do it for you and your son. No one else is going to help you. You have to do it yourself.

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LE..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=PYv9YozAnVVWD19vrEJvxWZNX8Q-


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

I feel for you brother, I am going through the same thing (without a child). However this is the second time for me with her. She was seeing someone the first time (prob this time as well) and said the same things your wife has said to you. I am 100% confident your wife is also seeing someone else.

Think about it, how can you stand a chance against this other man? He is feeding her all the BS she wants to hear and is a sounding board for her as she bashes you to him.

I am sure you were a good guy, did everything for her. Wanted to make her happy....ask yourself this, where YOU ever REALLY happy?

I am asking myself that these days and the answer is no. I was CONTENT....that's not the way a relationship should be. 

I know its hard to see it now (I am struggling with it myself), but there is a better future out there. It may take some work to get to it, but isn't your (our) happiness worth it??


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

Also, there will be times when you feel weak and want to scramble and fix everything. It is very important that you do not act on these impulses. I can assure you, it will only cause you more pain!


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

The separation is just to give your wife freedom to do as she pleases, it's obvious she's with someone else.

Why stick around and wait?

There's no logical reason to do so, only an emotional one.

Best thing to do is accept that the marriage is over and get moving towards divorce. There's things you can do now (especially if you've got assets) that will make the outcome more favorable to you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I will echo the good advice you e been given:

1: when she started being critical of you-- you can bet that is when her affair started. 

2: you are way behind here. You never considered the possibility she'd cheat. Not only has she, but she is now to the point she's doing it in plain sight. She TOLD you she's dating other men.

3. There's no salvaging this. Once this starts, it just gets worse. Once a woman's feelings change--- they don't come back. Move forward by first accepting your marriage is over-- it is. Nothing was sudden FOR HER. Just you. She's been out of love with you for a long time.

4: immediately file for divorce, don't leave your home, find out the financial consequences of all this.

5. Don't cower in fear, other men have been through it and you will too. Don't cry or plead with her. It's robs you of your dignity and gives her a laugh. Yes, she's that heartless. Cheating changes a person. You won't recognize her in the interactions you have with her from now on. It will be like looking into the eyes of a shark.

6: when your life is stable and you are over this, and you've worked out and are in shape because you haven't eaten in three months because of this, try not to freak out and go crazy when you figure out every single lady in the neighborhood wants to date you.. Online dating will overwhelm you. It matters not what you look like. A normal person is hard to find. You sound normal. 

Your life is not over, Sir. Don't forget that. You will see. You'll hurt terribly for a while, but you will see the light at the end of the tunnel once you accept your cheating wife is gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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