# People who can't find the positives



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

My friend was telling me just yesterday how her husband can not find anything positive about her. He views her in a negative light. He grew up in a negative household, where the phrases around the house were, "nothing mattered anyway" and nothing is ever good enough for me" 

They, just as many other couples are having their share of problems. He is in AA and been a recovering alcoholic for almost 7 years, she said he has done well with it and she is proud of him. She tries to lift him up, praise him, and do all she can in the marriage etc. Over the past few months she has stopped some of the praising because she gets nothing in return and she thought maybe it would do some good and help him see that she needed or wanted praise once in awhile too. But it hasn't made a difference. 

He mostly puts her down ( not to her face but behind her back) and tells people how she can't do this or that, etc. Mostly its to his AA sponser. Surely this is damaging and not good for sobriety. I don't know a great deal about the steps etc, but I would think anger, resentment, bitterness and just being negative in general is not helpful but quite damaging. 

I guess my main question is, why can some people not find anything positive in others? Is there truly some kind of negative payoff for being so negative? She just started counseling for herself last week, because he wont go.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

One thing ironic I find about pessimism is: whom is the more pessimistic one, the person who is being accused of being pessimistic or the one accusing them of it all the time?

My ex complained all the time that I was pessimistic. I found myself amused and frustrated whenever she pulled that one out of her hat. I agree I am a little too self-critical, but I think it was borne out of wanting more from life... though I can be stubborn about the things I don't like, I'm always open minded and willing to try new things... I think by definition, adventurousness and curiosity are traits of optimism.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

True, but I don't think in her case its something she complains about much. She just happened to mention it yesterday. Surely it must be draining to live with such negativity, although its her choice I suppose. BUT still its sad that some people are consumed with such negativity. Must be all to power thing. :scratchhead:


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yeah constant negativity will surely put someone into a depression...


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Its likely an ingrained behavior, especially if he has the mindset you said he did about nothing matters, and nothing is ever good enough. Seems its a pretty damaging thought process. 

My guess too is, he hates himself and has low self esteem. So he has to make someone feel like crap in order to make himself feel better. It just happens to be her. 

If he isn't doing it in front of her but behind her back then chances are he is looking for some kind of validation from others. IF he is telling negative things to his sponsor about her, then he doesn't have a good sponsor. IMO a good sponsor wouldn't put up with that and should know its very damaging, period. 

A good sponsor could say something along the lines of: "You know just about every time I speak with you you have nothing but negative things to say about your wife. The next time I talk with you, I would like for you to speak about her in a more positive manner. If you can't, and simply find fault with everything she does, then present her with divorce papers and move on."


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> I guess my main question is, why can some people not find anything positive in others? Is there truly some kind of negative payoff for being so negative? She just started counseling for herself last week, because he wont go.


How about this? What are some positive things you can find about your friend's husband?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> He is in AA and been a recovering alcoholic for almost 7 years
> 
> I guess my main question is, why can some people not find anything positive in others? Is there truly some kind of negative payoff for being so negative? She just started counseling for herself last week, because he wont go.


Alcohol is a depressant drug. He is still acting like he is under the influence, just without the drink. Working his steps should lead him into recovery, which involves developing a more positive outlook


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Alcohol is a depressant drug. He is still acting like he is under the influence, just without the drink. Working his steps should lead him into recovery, which involves developing a more positive outlook


I agree however I would think after about 7 years in recovery he should be a little more positive.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

scione said:


> How about this? What are some positive things you can find about your friend's husband?


I'm not sure what that has to do with him being negative towards her, but he is a good provider for her, takes care fo fixing things etc.. Other than that I don't know him as well as I know her. He can be nice when he wants to be maybe? When he wants to be is the key I suppose.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Jamison said:


> Its likely an ingrained behavior, especially if he has the mindset you said he did about nothing matters, and nothing is ever good enough. Seems its a pretty damaging thought process.
> 
> My guess too is, he hates himself and has low self esteem. So he has to make someone feel like crap in order to make himself feel better. It just happens to be her.
> 
> ...


Jamison- your post makes so much sense. She did tell me his sponsor is also negative. So my guess is they feed off each others negativity? I will mention this to her or I may just have her read this here, especially about the sponsor part.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> He is in AA and been a recovering alcoholic for almost 7 years.
> 
> He mostly puts her down ( not to her face but behind her back) and tells people how she can't do this or that, etc. Mostly its to his AA sponser. Surely this is damaging and not good for sobriety. I don't know a great deal about the steps etc, but I would think anger, resentment, bitterness and just being negative in general is not helpful but quite damaging.


A's have a saying that goes around the rooms: "It isn't the length of sobriety that counts, it's the depth." Sounds like the guy needs a new sponsor and needs to start reworking the steps, because he is indulging in the typical "stinkin' thinkin'" and I'm-a-victim mentality that is part and parcel with alcoholism.

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves.
Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Both steps mean facing one's faults and correcting them, as well as making amends to those harmed. Anger, resentment, and all the other negative stuff that goes with it have no room in working a strong program. I started working a program 16 years ago, and I still mess up. (Not A.A. - AlAnon, but we use the same steps.)


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Thanks Prodigal! I will get her to read this as well. She did tell me she knows that anger, and resentment has no place in a recovering persons life. She did say he still has that mentality. She also said he has re-worked the steps several times, perhaps some things just isn't sinking in? Also she has her second counseling appt this week, and mentioned the counselor wondered too if he has something else going on besides that "stinkin thinkin" mentality, maybe a mental issue as well that is possibly keeping his brain in that negative state?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Well, CallaLily, I can tell you this: I feel real compassion for this man and his family. I've known many alkies throughout my life, and I've seen certain personality traits that appear to be entrenched. And they aren't traits that make one near and dear to those they love.

Does your friend attend Al-Anon? I hooked up with an addictions specialist a few years after I started working a program. Why? Because my alcoholic was addicted to booze, and I was addicted to reacting, and hinging my moods, on the alcoholic's behavior. I was every bit as sick.

For those of us who live with addicts, we need to have our own program in order to set REAL boundaries, and to learn to detach with love. The detachment-thing is the hardest part, which is why it is imperative for those close to an addict to get into their own program.

Yes, your friend's husband could have something else going on. Alcohol, when abused for years on end, has an effect on the brain. Still, what comes to my mind is he is picking up again. Maybe just a little. Maybe sneaking one here or there, because now he feels he can "control" it. 

I am only speculating. But if he is trying to have a drink here and there, it will only be a short time before he goes into full-blown addiction. That is why we say that alcohol is "cunning, baffling, powerful." It is.

I hope I'm wrong in my assumption that your friend's husband is picking up ....


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Yes as far as I know she attends Alanon meetings. She has told me before they do help her, but I would still imagine that negativity of his would get old. Thanks again Prodigal!


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Lon said:


> One thing ironic I find about pessimism is: whom is the more pessimistic one, the person who is being accused of being pessimistic or the one accusing them of it all the time?
> 
> My ex complained all the time that I was pessimistic. I found myself amused and frustrated whenever she pulled that one out of her hat. I agree I am a little too self-critical, but I think it was borne out of wanting more from life... though I can be stubborn about the things I don't like, I'm always open minded and willing to try new things... I think by definition, adventurousness and curiosity are traits of optimism.


I like your train of thoughts as to who is more pessimistic .. the one being accused or the one accusing them all the time! I am typically optimistic about things, my husband on the other hand is pessimistic and I tend to pester him about that once in a while  It is worth thinking about, whether or not I am actually being a pessimistic person myself by pointing out my husbands pessimism :scratchhead:


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Most of the time if a person can't find something positive about another person, its usually a reflection of how they feel about themselves. Chances are, he can't see anything positive about himself, so why would he see the positives in others, its sad really.


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## Scott1984 (Mar 19, 2012)

What is odd my wife always accused me of being pessimistic but I never understood why. when things were going wrong I looked at all possible outcomes, however I prepared for the worst ones but I still Hoped for the positive ones and seeked those out. Sometimes a situation or how you feel is just negitive and working through it is necessary in order to get a more positive outcome. Throwing all the goody happy hopeful feelings is fine but it doesnt change the reality of the situation or how you feel. There are times its ok to be negitive and down and try to work through it. I am not saying talking down to your spouse is right, but I also had that problem when I tried to tell my wife something I was having an issue with her and I was being honest. Yes it wasn't a nice thing to discuss and hard to hear but she would take it as I was being negitive and hurting her. There is nothing emotionally another person can do to you unless you allow them to. In the end its up to you how you feel in what a person says to you as well as how you interpret what is being said. I spent a year trying to relay reality to my wife but I was being negitive since I was looking at the situation and how I felt not with rose colored glasses but the harsh reality that may be needed to be done in order to move to a more positive life and situation.


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