# Is she a Cheating wife?



## justmonday (Nov 5, 2013)

This is my first post. I have been lurking around this forum for weeks and today decided to register and post.

This may be a long post therefore would like to apologize in advance.

We have been married for 11 + yrs now and have a 7 yrs old kid. Both of us are in our mid 30s. Wife has always been LD and me HD. As with all marriages we have had our ups and downs.

In mid 2010, out of the blue my wife started behaving very secretive, she changed her passwords to her email and would never let me see or have her phone. Upon me inquiring, she responded very casual remark that she needed a new stronger password for her email so she changed it and brushed the topic aside. I thought she needed some space therefore backed off and never insisted further. 6 months later I accidentally found her gmail open on our home computer and a chat window open where she was chatting with her ex-boyfriend from college. When I went through her chat history I found out that they have been chatting quite regularly and how she was repenting of not being together.(this ex boyfriend is married as well but lives in NY and we are in TX) They had chatted about how they still loved each other and their affair needs to be a secret as neither will leave their family. They had chatted about each others bodies and the sex they use to have in college. Interesting thing that I came to know was that my wife had tried 'backdoor' sex which is a big NO NO in our bedroom, whenever I have asked for it. She has always claimed that she has never tried it and will never do it. 

Anyways after reading these chats needless to say I was surprised and angry. Instead of confronting her right away when she got home, I decided to wait and weigh in my options. 

I did not want to leave her which would mean our kid get separated from parents. After a week I decided to talk to her, when I told her what I knew, she started crying and apologizing. She did not want to get separated either and we decided to work through this and asked her to come clean.
She confessed to having chatted and spoken to him over the phone but has never met him in the last 11 years since we have been married. She has not had sex with him after we have been married or when we were dating.

She had gone to NY to meet her mother on cpl of occasions in last 2.5 years but she claims that she never met him then either since he travels a lot for his work and was not in NY at that time.

Its been almost a year since this, but I still don't trust her completely. Since that day, she says that she has stopped talking to him completely and has no type of contact. I have access to her phone and email now.

Our sex life is as usual 'vanilla' since she is LD and I have to resort to masturbation most of the times. (Backdoor is still a no no)

Would you call this cheating even if there was no physical contact?
I would like to forget all this and move on but I fell she may still be chatting and talking to him. How do I move on?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I suggest you ask a mod to transfer this thread in the CWI section.

If your gut feeling is telling you there is more to this story you are probably right.

Stick a var in her car and a couple in the house.

Get a keylogger for her computer also.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What she had was an emotional affair. They can be as devastating to a marriage as a physical affair.

You say that she has not spoken to him since the day you discovered her affair. Yet she says that she did not see him when she went home for a visit because he was traveling. If she has not spoken/text/emailed him how did she know that he was not in town when she was????

There are two books that have a lot of good suggestions for how to rebuild trust... she has to protect against her weak boundaries for example.

"Surviving an Affair" 
"His Needs, Her Needs"
Both books are by Dr. Harley.

It takes 2-5 years to recover from an affair is fall else goes well. So you are will in the recovery period.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How is the car titled? If is "your name" or "her name" you can just go get her name removed.

Just a thought.


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## Self Help (Oct 22, 2013)

She definitely had an EA. I have been cheated on several times in my life and I can tell you, recovery is hard. It's hard to trust or believe your SO when they are just running to the store. You will always have that question in the back of your mind. If you divorce and date or remarry, it will be hard to trust your new SO. I know it's not their fault but the scars will always be there. It sucks!


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## Antman (Oct 19, 2013)

I'm guessing that your prim
Art concern here is whether or not she's had or having an affair. If so and she uses an Iphone it's simple enough to install "find Iphone" on your phone. All you need is her apple ID and password. From that point forward, you can monitor her movements in real time. 
Scary, I know. Learned this a while back, easiest, cheapest (free) way of keeping track of your spouse.
It would seem that you've been duped.
A mate of mine recently confessed (to me) that he's had 14 affairs. His wife knows of one. ALL of his affairs are with married women - they're less likely to come forward. 
In other words , there are plenty if women out there looking for a little on the side.
Is your wife one of them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

I just couldnt live with a woman who is lusting over another man whether it be physical or emotional. That violates the whole foundation of marriage to me.

I dont know how people stay with cheating spouses. Thats about the only thing I would break up my family over.

You have to ask yourself if you can live with it. Its always going to be nagging you in the back of your mind. I'd hate to be in a marriage where your spouse has betrayed your trust like that.


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## justmonday (Nov 5, 2013)

Self Help said:


> She definitely had an EA. I have been cheated on several times in my life and I can tell you, recovery is hard. It's hard to trust or believe your SO when they are just running to the store. You will always have that question in the back of your mind. If you divorce and date or remarry, it will be hard to trust your new SO. I know it's not their fault but the scars will always be there. It sucks!


Is having EA considered cheating?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bamzor (Aug 15, 2012)

justmonday said:


> Is having EA considered cheating?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, EA's require the investment of time. A PA can do this too, but can also be a drunk one time event. The use of flirting and teasing ...complements, and if the other person is a good listener they can pick up on all the spouses disappointments in their marriage. Then use this info to further the relationship. This venting ...creates sparks...those sparks start a Fire. EA can easily turn into a PA, but also Sexting can start esp. if a distance separates the two. Again while no physical act may have taken place, it is just as devastating as a PA on many levels.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Yes she is. What do you want to do about it?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

justmonday said:


> Is having EA considered cheating?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You don't need us to define your boundaries for you. If you're uncomfortable with your wife professing her love for another man, and reminiscing about the sex acts they performed, yet she still denies you, then it's inappropriate.

We live in a country of no-fault divorce. You don't need a reason to divorce your wife. You can legally divorce her because you hate her meat loaf and it won't count against you in court.

Some people can't forgive any type of affair. Some people can forgive an affair that wasn't physical. Some people can forgive an affair that was only physical, but not emotional. Some people can forgive anything. You have to decide what kind of person you are.

If you think she's still in contact with her ex, then monitor her. Put spyware on her phone, put a keylogger on her computer, and/or put a voice-activated recorder under the seat of her car to eavesdrop on her conversations. If she's still in contact, you will soon discover it. If you don't find anything within a week, or two, then stop monitoring her. You can drive yourself crazy trying to find something.

Good luck.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Lie detector test is a must.
All you are going by is her word (the word of a cheater).
She will confess in the parking lot.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Standard spy post pasted below. Welcome to the club.

VARs and evidence

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
Rule 1 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 2 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 3 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: http://www.walmart.com/ip/Velcro-Heavy-Duty-Hook-and-Loop-Fastener/25553585
also
http://www.walmart.com/ip/Velcro-In...-Hook-and-Loop-Fasteners-2-x-15-Roll/14927578
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white. 

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. 

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. 

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" The dont use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list http://www.complex.com/tech/2013/02/25-apps-to-help-you-cheat-on-your-girlfriend/
Rclawson came up with how to get the PW on an ipad
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...eling-my-wife-cheating-me-16.html#post4692714

A poster named Stigmatizer came up with this nice app that appears to give the caller name for iphones:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...y-creepy-happening-my-home-7.html#post4769890

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/4854930-post220.html
Hi rosie!

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work. 

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords

I don't know if other browsers save the passwords where you can view them but you should be able to google and find out!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

An EA can be just as devastating as a PA.

With the type of words you said your wife used, "They had chatted about how they still loved each other and their affair needs to be a secret as neither will leave their family. They had chatted about each others bodies and the sex they use to have in college."

Typically these words do not convey an EA but a PA. She made trips to N.Y., I seriously doubt that due to the intensity of this that she did not go there and meet up with him. This the part that I would question till the day I die.

The backdoor thing. People try different things. Sometimes it is the mood, the timing, or they really did not like it or there are many other reasons. Sometimes people change what they allowed in the past. To me this is not a big deal.

For me the glaring thing about your post is the intensity of her words to this guy and that she physically went to N.Y. I, for one, don't believe that they did not hook up.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

justmonday said:


> Is having EA considered cheating?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



By most people who are in EA's--no. By most people who are in relationships with people who are in EA's--yes! You have your choice of stories in the CWI section to confirm this.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> She had gone to NY to meet her mother on cpl of occasions in last 2.5 years but she claims that she never met him then either since he travels a lot for his work and was not in NY at that time.


We have a poster here who's wife cheated on him with her OM when she said she was visiting her ill father.

Cheaters lie. Why do you think she would tell you that they had sex when nothing good would come out of confessing about it ? Give her an incentive to come clean.(Like staying in the marriage)

Have you contacted her exbf or his wife ? Contact his wife if you haven't.

Have you discussed with her about the details you found out in her mail(inlcuding the sex part). How does she respond to your question on her affair ?

How are you making sure that she is not cheating on you now ? What changes did she make to make up for her betrayal ?

Are you in a happy marriage now? Was divorce discussed? Does her mother know of her affair ?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Did you contact the om wife? I bet not. Do it. Do it with out telling your wife. Do it in a manner that is as private as possible (dont go through Facebook for example, try to get a phone number, and call when husband is not likely to be around). She deserves to know what happened, and she has a better shot at finding out if something is still going on.

Trust your gut, if you aren't feeling things are right, they probably aren't.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

justmonday said:


> This is my first post. I have been lurking around this forum for weeks and today decided to register and post.
> 
> This may be a long post therefore would like to apologize in advance.
> 
> ...


I am sorry for you, especially since you seem to believe that she never saw him. She did.
You need to get her to a polygraph machine fast. The parking lot confession will help you know what you have left.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

She is by any definition a cheating wife. 

You should expose to the W of the OM if he is married.

You should not believe that they didn't meet when she was in NY.

People in cheating mode lie very, very easily. You unfortunately can't trust at all what she is telling you.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

How would she know that the OM was always traveling when she went to NYC unless she deliberately tried to contact him to meet up with him? I don't buy her story for a second and neither should you.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

"*They had chatted about how they still loved each other and their affair needs to be a secret as neither will leave their family.* "

I'd bet money that she's met him when she went to NY. Talking about "their affair needs to be a secret "... Come on, you know there's a good possibility that they met when she went to NY.

If you tell her that you are scheduling a polygraph, one of two things is most likely to happen.

1) She flat out refuses, for obvious reasons.

2) She agrees, then starts TTing you.

I'm not saying that that they have had sex. I am saying that there is more to this "affair" and brace yourself. Think about your deal breaker(s).

They are EX's. They've had sex before you knew her. These are the easiest relationships to get going, because they have a history.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

My advice is to make her take a polygraph. If she has nothing to hide and told you the truth, the you can go on, but if she gets pissed or gives an excuse as to why she should have to take one, then you know she has something to hide.

The choice is yours but I gotta tell you that living a life where your always looking over your shoulder is real healthy.

I always believed that if I feel that something is wrong, I will not wait until it festers to a point where it's totally out of control and nip it in the bud right then and there. There are people that will tell you to wait and gather information and to be honest, sometimes their right and sometimes their wrong. Same with my approach. You have to do what's best for your sanity.


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## PappyJack (Nov 1, 2013)

I will go ahead and just say it.
She is not low drive. 
She is just not into you.
Either make changes that make her into you (Look up MMSLP) or get used to using your hand, being played and finally her leaving you.

She thinks of sex with you as cheating.
You haven't even seen the tip of the iceberg yet.
Sorry you are here, but you need to examine your life and see if you are willing to make changes for the better. 
Being your wife's support and door mat isn't helping anyone.
Oh and DO contact the other man's wife. You may soon find out all you need to know.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

PappyJack said:


> I will go ahead and just say it.
> She is not low drive.
> She is just not into you.
> Either make changes that make her into you (Look up MMSLP) or get used to using your hand, being played and finally her leaving you.
> ...


I agree with this. I don't think that many women are truly LD, they're just not that into their partner. in fact, your wife reminiscing about the sex they had suggests she's NOT LD. When I look at the points in my life where I could be considered LD, it was always with men I either wasn't into or men that just sucked in bed (read: selfish lover). I can really only enjoy sex 2 or 3 times a week now, but for those times I'm really into it largely because I AM really into my hb. After a week I'm ready to rip his clothes off. I wasn't that into my ex for a number of reasons but after that I wouldn't have married someone I wasn't into. Please remember that even if you go ballistic and threaten divorce, you might get her to stop talking to this guy but you'll still have a wife that isn't that into you. Some people can deal with that, esp if there are kids involved, so you have to ask yourself if you can. The problem with that is that when you're not into your partner you're almost always vulnerable to someone you are into, so you always have to wonder if there's someone else. I don't know what the answer is. Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you believe what she told you (which btw would be foolish) then the only reason she didn't meet up with this guy is because he was out of town.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

@justmonday. 


Do recon. Var and keyloggers. Everything in weightlifters post. Do it. 

Be prepared. It might get ugly. Stay on TAM. Keep posting and venting. 

Good luck.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

justmonday said:


> Is having EA considered cheating?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Having an Emotional Affairs (EA) is cheating. If you read the book "His Needs Her Needs", you will see that although sex is the top need of men, it does not appear in the top list of female needs. On the other hand, where "conversation" is one of the top needs of women, it does not appear in the top list of men's needs. Your wife is letting this AP meet one of her top needs instead of you. Using the terms from the book, this means that your wife's affair partner is making deposits into her love bank instead of you. Once he has made enough such deposits, he will have leverage to ask your wife to meet his top need for sex. After reading this and other sites, you will see that this is consistent with many women saying that they ended up having sex with their AP primarily because they felt that they owed it to them. Since he was meeting their needs, she felt she needed to meet his need for sex in order to be fair to him and to continue in the affair. 

A person in an EA is addicted to the brain drugs that they feel when they communicate with their affair partner (AP). They each get to be their AP's fantasy with no concern about real life issues, while their spouses get to deal with all of the not so fun issues of real life; the spouse living in the real world cannot compete with a fantasy. Your wife gave the other man (OM) home field advantage in that he got to know all about you and was able to act accordingly in romancing your wife, while you were not even suppose to know that the OM even existed much less that your marriage was under attack by him; basically she left you defenseless. In doing so she betrayed you and her marriage vow to put you before all others. Studies show that the secrecy, betray and lies of a physical affair, take far longer to get over than the sex of a physical affair (PA). Your wife's EA has all the same aspects of secrecy, betray and lies as PAs, so yes it is cheating.


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## FLman (Nov 6, 2013)

justmonday said:


> Interesting thing that I came to know was that my wife had tried 'backdoor' sex which is a big NO NO in our bedroom, whenever I have asked for it. She has always claimed that she has never tried it and will never do it.
> 
> She had gone to NY to meet her mother on cpl of occasions in last 2.5 years but she claims that she never met him then either since he travels a lot for his work and was not in NY at that time.
> 
> ...


I went through this, it was not as bad but it hurt me quite a bit, when she did open up it was like a flood of frustration for her (emotional), when women reach out, out of their marriage there is an emotional emptiness, lack of love, the pressures of life and kids drive a wedge between a couple, its easier to fantasize outside of the marriage, specially in the past relationship, in memory everything was great, even the other man wants to have an escape, why, he probably wants an escape too, it adds excitement etc.
Eitherway this is very damaging to both of the marriages, as soon as you smell anything you have to go balls out, get the truth and crush the threats, talk openly, see what the issues are and rebuilt your marriage with some consoling, but do some sole searching with her too, figure out what things need to be fixed, spend more time with her, take interest in her and what she likes, take some of the pressures off, then you will see that you might fall in love all over with each other, and she has waken up and realized what crazy things she was doing, it was exciting to her and it was a fantasy, but to me these actions on both ends are detrimental to a marriage, women know in their hearts, there is 99% chance that they will lose their husbands with physical encounter, emotional affairs can equally be damaging, but if both are on board to rework on their marriage, it is salvageable but it will take months, if not longer...I feel your pain, first take care of yourself, pull yourself out and then figure out how to go about it...


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Justmonday,

1. Definitely EA.
2. EA is cheating.
3. Did she have a PA? Likely.
4. Ask her to take a lie detector test. You don't have to believe the results. Confessions often come out in the parking lot on the day of the test.
5. Does it matter if she had a PA or not? She cheated on you and jeopardized the family. That's the most important thing here.
6. Don't stay in a marriage for the sake of children. It is the wrong reason to stay.
7. Contact OM's wife. She deserves to know.

Be strong and Good luck.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If you did this, she would divorce you.

She cheated and may be cheating still. Did she ever tell him you found out, and did she tell him that you were going to give his wife the emails? 

Give her the divorce papers, maybe she will not be as cold.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You say that she has not spoken to him since the day you discovered her affair. Yet she says that she did not see him when she went home for a visit because he was traveling. *If she has not spoken/text/emailed him how did she know that he was not in town when she was????*


And why would she want to know?

Do you honestly think they wouldn't have sex if she had the opportunity? Hell yes she's cheating, even if it's an EA. An EA is a just a PA waiting to happen. Don't assume that it's not unless you have definite proof.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

EA is cheating. Without a doubt. 
Unfortunately, few people that are not on TAM recognize this or view it this way. Show her the site, and/ or buy her the book "Not just friends".
You already received great advice. I'm just joining those who urge you to contact the other man's wife, like yesterday. Forward those conversations to her and let's see .
And btw, no more trips to NY for her. Not without you. She can't be trusted.

As for the backdoor, maybe she tried it and didn't like. If she liked she would want to do it again. She does not...so maybe she had a bad experience.


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## justmonday (Nov 5, 2013)

Appreciate everyone's responses and suggestions. I am going to put a key logger on her laptop and see what I uncover. As for calling the man's wife, I don't have her number but I did manager to get her mailing address. Thought of contacting has come to my mind on multiple occasions but was hesitant cause if in fact this has stopped and there is nothing going on now, I do not want to ruin her family life. Moreover its been almost a year now since I uncovered the cheating.

Wife swears that it was a time where she lost good judgement and thereafter she has never ever contacted him in any way. 

Do you think mailing/fedex her the emails and chats is wise or talking over the phone is the best option?

Do I wait to uncover if she is still cheating before contacting his wife? 

I do want this marriage to succeed and therefore working hard on it.








Hortensia said:


> EA is cheating. Without a doubt.
> Unfortunately, few people that are not on TAM recognize this or view it this way. Show her the site, and/ or buy her the book "Not just friends".
> You already received great advice. I'm just joining those who urge you to contact the other man's wife, like yesterday. Forward those conversations to her and let's see .
> And btw, no more trips to NY for her. Not without you. She can't be trusted.
> ...


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Her intention of changing email passwords is to hide her communication with her ex-lover.

I dont believe that she had not met him during her visits to NY.

You are already in rugsweep mode. For your marriage to succeed, you must have all the truths. Her remorse. Her weightlifting.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Was she always LD or did that happen after you were married?

Have you tried spokeo.com to find the OMW phone number?

Can you check her credit cards for the times she was in NY? 

Her chats did not refer to the NY trips at all, that's weird?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You must fight he urge to rug sweep. This will bite you in the arse if you do. 

Contact his wife. She may have more information than you do. 

She cut off contact with him but knew he was out of town. And that's the only reason they didn't hookup on her visit. 

Really? 

Polygraph time. You permitted her to be you and are having a hard time accepting it because you know she lied to you. 

Accepting her lies will not get easier in the future but you can bet the bank she will get better at hiding her next round of cheating from you. 

Follow thru with the polygraph and contact his wife. Be prepared for a parking lot confession.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

justmonday said:


> Appreciate everyone's responses and suggestions. I am going to put a key logger on her laptop and see what I uncover. As for calling the man's wife, I don't have her number but I did manager to get her mailing address. Thought of contacting has come to my mind on multiple occasions but was hesitant cause if in fact this has stopped and there is nothing going on now, I do not want to ruin her family life. Moreover its been almost a year now since I uncovered the cheating.
> 
> Wife swears that it was a time where she lost good judgement and thereafter she has never ever contacted him in any way.
> 
> ...


This is a rare thread which has such a unanimous opinion about polygraph. I agree it is a valid tool, though I would not jump to it until you have a bit more data.

I would wait for 1 or 2 weeks of keylogger data. Also review all the phone and credit card history for a couple of years. Don't believe her timeline, go back further.

I would contact OM's wife (in a couple of weeks after keylogger data) for two reasons. First, she may have more data for you. Second, she has a right to know what her husband was doing. You would not be harming her marriage, her husband's behavior damaged the marriage. It already has, but his wife doesn't know about it yet. She has the right to know the true facts of her marriage.

You should offer to send her copies of everything you have. It can be tricky because posom could intercept mail or even email. So I would phone her and then verbally offer to send it to her at a safe address, possibly her work address.

Your big problem is that this affair is apparently ended. You have no way to get more data by snooping, if in fact the affair is ended. If you get lucky something will fall into your lap, such as posom calls your wife after you contact his wife. So have the keylogger and VARs in place before contacting posom's wife.

If you don't get anything concrete out of all this, it is then time for polygraph. The way I would approach it is that your wife has shattered trust, which is making it impossible for you to move forward. The best way to start rebuilding is for you to have full confidence that you know everything, thus removing any nagging doubts about the past. So a polygraph will accomplish that task. Then you can work on establishing trust going forward and forget about the past.

She will resist the poly. You will never have closure without it. It will bite you in the backside in the future if you don't get closure now. Even if you get a parking lot confession, take her inside and do the poly to be sure there is nothing more. I'm not normally a big fan of polygraph but I agree with the consensus in your case.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Do you want to know if they met and had sex while she was in NY? Would it change how you want to proceed at this point if that did happen.

I think she did scr*wed him when she was there for this reason. People in an EA do not consider what they are doing as cheating or as having an affair. In their mind they are just really good friend who can talk about anything. 

When she said they needed to keep the "affair" secret because it would trash both marriages, to me, that is an admission of sex. It went PA while she was in NY. Now you are being trickle truthed. She is only admitting to what you can prove. Obviously you are having trouble accepting this story or you would not be here. That is your gut yelling bullsh*t at her story. Your gut is seldom wrong.

Can you truly forgive her without knowing the whole truth of what you are forgiving?

She is probably thinking she dodged the bullet. But if she is in love with him like she claimed and is sorry they did not end up together, she will contact him again sooner or latter if only to talk about how they have fooled you and his wife and to make sure the get on the same page with their stories about the time she visited.

If you don't get the truth then every time she visits NY in the future you will be bouncing off the walls wondering what they are doing.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

TDSC60 said:


> Do you want to know if they met and had sex while she was in NY? Would it change how you want to proceed at this point if that did happen.
> 
> *I think she did scr*wed him when she was there for this reason. People in an EA do not consider what they are doing as cheating or as having an affair. In their mind they are just really good friend who can talk about anything.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:


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## sedona (Oct 10, 2013)

I'd like to add something about the issue of acquiring the recorders, keyloggers, etc.

If you can buy them at Best Buy make sure you pay cash. You don't want to tip her off to what you are doing by putting it on your cards.

If you have to order anything (someone suggested a pen recorder from Amazon) get a PO box in order to receive any of this stuff you have to order. Use a prepaid credit card from Walmart to place the order, that way the order doesn't show up on your cc statement and tip her off.

If it was me I would call the other wife, not mail anything just yet. I would wait however for a week or so of recording before calling. The reason I wouldn't mail anything is because it could be intercepted. As someone else suggested, offer to mail it to her if you have that conversation with her. And again, suggest to her that she also get a PO Box to receive your evidence.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

justmonday said:


> Appreciate everyone's responses and suggestions. I am going to put a key logger on her laptop and see what I uncover. As for calling the man's wife, I don't have her number but I did manager to get her mailing address. Thought of contacting has come to my mind on multiple occasions but was hesitant cause if in fact this has stopped and there is nothing going on now, I do not want to ruin her family life. Moreover its been almost a year now since I uncovered the cheating.
> 
> Wife swears that it was a time where she lost good judgement and thereafter she has never ever contacted him in any way.
> 
> ...


Read this:

Five Things That Keep You Stuck With a Cheater


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

bryanp said:


> *How would she know that the OM was always traveling when she went to NYC unless she deliberately tried to contact him to meet up with him?* I don't buy her story for a second and neither should you.


:iagree::iagree:

Very insightful analysis. At best circumstances thwarted them over and over. They could not believe their planning could go so wrong.

Copy all their communications. Print them physically and mail them to OMW at her work place by DHL. Tell OMW that the two of you should monitor together.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> This is my first post. I have been lurking around this forum for weeks and today decided to register and post.
> 
> This may be a long post therefore would like to apologize in advance.


You are too polite. Are you disappointed that you took the step of telling your story to strangers?



> *They had chatted about how they still loved each other and their affair needs to be a secret as neither will leave their family. They had chatted about each others bodies and the sex they use to have in college. Interesting thing that I came to know was that my wife had tried 'backdoor' sex which is a big NO NO in our bedroom, whenever I have asked for it. She has always claimed that she has never tried it and will never do it. *


She may not have enjoyed anal sex with him 100%, but she was willing because it completed her. The discomfort was worth it because it allowed her to give even more of herself to him. You are not even close to competing with the depth of their emotional relationship.



> Anyways after reading these chats needless to say I was surprised and angry. Instead of confronting her right away when she got home, I decided to wait and weigh in my options.


It was wise to think things over. Now an entire year has passed and you still haven't gotten over her cheating.



> Our sex life is as usual 'vanilla' since she is LD and I have to resort to masturbation most of the times. (Backdoor is still a no no)


You are still being too polite. I cringe to read the words "no, no." To us you can be frank about butt sex. We are grown ups. If we write something you don't like, say that it offends you. Stand up for yourself. And by posting here you are standing up for yourself.

Stop being so polite to your wife. She is used to you apologizing. You need to have consensual anal sex with your wife. When you finish do not apologize and say "Honey, I hope it didn't hurt, I am sorry if it made you uncomfortable."

Whisper how much you liked it. Tell her she's your dirty girl.



> How do I move on?


See the paragraph above.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

You would be wise to remember LongWalk's these words every now and then:

"You are not even close to competing with the depth of their emotional relationship."


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Be sure you know what days your wife was in NY when she visited her mom. When you contact OMW, ask her if she can confirm that he was actually out of town - she should check cc bills to ensure he wasn't at a hotel in town - you need to be sure your wife didn't have a hotel room then either. 

You can have a good marriage but as long as you have these doubts (and they're well founded) this will always fester.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Since it has been 12 months since D-day, I will give you a different perspective than if it was immediately following D-day. I get the impression your wife appears to have been contrite and you have found no further evidence. Assuming that is the case, I suggest that you lay low and employ the Ronald Reagan principle, trust but verify. Trust she is telling you the truth, but utilize the keylogger, VAR's, phone bill's, spot check phone, etc to ensure she is on the straight and narrow path. Don't obsess over the former events, they are what they are and can't be changed. You may want to consult with a counselor if is becomes overwhelming to you.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

JM, just talking to an EX, is a no no. Talking about past sexual things, no,no. Putting effort and time into these talks, EA. For a married person man/woman, to talk about old times is to actually talk about how she loved doing it. Talking about back door stuff is what I would call a "special" thing between two people. This requires trust. For her not giving you the same "trust", could be one of two things, She liked it, or she didn't, but to talk about it with another guy who is not her husband, again, NO NO. This is not a slam dunk, but still a red flag. IMHO, a situation that is an EA, is more damaging to a relationship. It requires an investment of time and emotion. If she has been talking with this EX and she has visited the state where he lives, for me I would just assume the worst. Is it a coincidence, maybe, maybe not. But I think you should keep your eyes wide open at this point and due your due diligence. Put your foot down, no more contact with the an EX, any EX. Let me ask you this, would she like it if you were talking to an ex-girl, like this, hell no. Most good woman and men would not, it's a crap feeling. Good luck.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

JustMonday,

You are in a tough spot because you just don't have real facts whether or not she saw the guy while in NYC, and whether she had a PA with him while there. This is something which seemingly has no resolution.

You can either assume the worst or you can require her to prove her innocence. If you assume the worst, I would encourage you to talk to her about it in a non-accusatory manner. You understand she is denying a PA happened, yet she has upended your world with the betrayal of the messages and with the content of the messages. Thus you are assuming the worst and working from that position. You can D or R, but you are starting from the assumption of a PA. I suggest counseling for yourself if you go with this assumption regardless of D or R.

Or, you tell her you must have resolution and so you are requesting she take a polygraph in order to put this whole mess behind you once and for all.

Either approach is reasonable. Go with your gut. What doesn't work is never knowing. You will be in a special hell of a limbo forever. You will be triggered periodically.

The rest of the stuff you can deal with logically and even emotionally. 1) She did something sexual with him which is off limits for you. 2) She had some kind of messages with him during your marriage which is not acceptable.

1) The back door stuff. Personally I don't get the attraction of this act, but apparently it is becoming more common. Anyhow, I think a person has the right to try something and then not want to do it again. It might have been simultaneously interesting yet not something she wants to repeat. It could be your parts are bigger than his, and she does not want to try it with you out of worry of pain. It could be she felt interested in doing something wild with him but now she is older and more established, so psychologically she feels it is not something she "should" be doing. I don't think you should take it personally. Now, if she did this act with many previous partners, and if you had indications she really wasn't very interested in sex with you as her husband, then I would take it personally as a general sexual rejection.

2) The messages are unacceptable. This was a form of betrayal. Not the level of a PA, but it was not acceptable. Some form of couples counseling would be advisable. Work on the good modern relationship books together, under the guidance of a good therapist. She crossed a boundary big time. She needs to understand what that boundary is and why she crossed it. Limited to just the messaging, what she did was hurtful to you but not necessarily fatal to your marriage. Building a close intimate bond going forward is possible if you both work on it.


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