# Who benefits from reconciliation?



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Now that everything is said and done, and your spouse has cheated, either physically, emotionally or both, now what? What comes next and who is it really for? You love them and ou assume they love you, right? It's pretty absurd to imagine someone would spend a huge portion of their life living a lie just so that they can cheat on you. I imagine, most of them WANTED this to work. But now, where do you go from here?

You want to trust them again, but can you really? Can you even trust that you entire life isn't a sham. That, they have been feeling this way or thinking or doing this for longer than they tell you? Can you even begin to believe them if they come clean? These are all rhetorical questions. It's just, this person was your lover, your confidante, your advocate and you best friend. If they can do this to you, how can you ever get over it. And if you try, you is it really for? Can you trust that they made a mistake? Like all of the sudden, Whooops! My bad bro, totally didn't mean to do that. Do over? 

Why do they even want that? Does that fix the problem? Hell, making you the emotional boss of them probably makes whatever occurred originally even worse. Why would they want that? To keep their life intact? To not worry about finances or embarrassment? To not start over? Is the pain of staying together better than the pain of moving on...for either of you? How do you even know they are legit in wanting to fix everything. Because they say so? How often do you hear from them, there is nothing I can say because you won't believe me. I get that, and I understand it sucks when it's the truth. But wtf are you supposed to do? Really, the only way I think you can reconcile is really get your spouse to soul search. They need to dig deep. They need to find that raw emotion. Not for you, not for your marriage, but for their basic sense of humanity.

Please don't sentence me to life. Please, the ball is in your court. I am finding a way to see if I can get past this. Please, dig deep. Please, find whatever sense of human emotion you have and don't let me make a mistake that costs me some of my life or all of it. I may not be able to trust you, but I hope you can find a way to look so deep that you can trust yourself with the right answer. If you have any sense of doubt, questions, apprehension or anything else, please, spare me. Cut me loose. Don't make me have the pain of seeing the life we made together disappear with me a helpless bystander and then having the pain of forgiving you only to find out this isn't what you really wanted. I may never forgive you for cheating, but I can understand why you were unhappy. If there is any unhappiness left, tell me now before I embark on the journey or reconciliation, only to find out I was doing it by myself.

Sorry for the rambling, but I didn't sleep last night.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Why would you assume someone who cheats on you loves you? Isn't the cheating proof that whatever they valued about you, they willingly risked just to knock boots with someone else? Doesn't sound like love to me. Why would you assume that you love someone you don't trust when love cannot exist without trust? Is it closer to the truth to say the temptation to keep these relationships going comes out of fear? Fear of the unknown? Fear of financial loss or adverse impact upon kids? Fear there will never be another partner or one perhaps even worse? Staying sounds more noble if we convince ourselves we are doing so out of love, but I do believe timidity is the more likely emotion.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Its not about the people who don't care and move on. It's about the people who think that they care and end up hurting you more. Or about the people who got hurt, think that they can reconcile only to not be able to do it. The problem is that we take knowledge for granted. We know our spouse will never cheat. Until they do. And then we can never unknow that again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think it's more about your spouse wanting what both what the OM can give her: love, emotion excitement and what you give her: stability, a home, family, money. She wants all these things and is willing to risk everything to be with the OM. This says that she does not only not love you, she's willing to risk her health, financial stability, family, job and friendships just for a couple moments with someone else. Seems pretty high risk with all so much lose if you get caught to me. 

To the OP's point, where do you go from there, I think it only leads one place, the marriage is over. If you can trust someone or continue a relationship with someone who took all of those risks to be with someone else, well that's something you do out of the inital shock of this happening. After you tell her family, friends, parents and OM's spouse what she did, what is there left to salvage? I know that some on here say that they were able to carry on the relationship, but this will bother them for the rest of the their life. I wonder if it's really worth it to do this.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I think reconciliation has it's place in some instances and not in others. As to who it benefits, it could be either person or both. Some people have a much stronger relationship after cheating and reconciliation because it forces them to address the latent issues in the relationship that they were unable or unwilling to address previously. For a lot of other people though the cheating is the main problem and there is really nothing that can be done to fix the distrust and betrayal.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

I think reconciliation can work sometimes, but the good ol question, can you really trust them again? hard to say so. You have to WANT to trust them first and take it slowly, day by day. If you cannot trust or forgive your partner after the betrayal then it is time to move on.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Hershel
Read your first paragraph. You "assume they love you."
They MUST love you, want you, care for you , respect you, value you and cherish having you in their life. Without these things, reconciliation is a farce.
VH


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

The decision is more about you than them. Let's assume that their regret is genuine and they are truly committed to being faithful. Look inside yourself. You know yourself better than anyone. Will you ever be able to trust this person again? Some say they can, I am not one of them. Infidelity is a one time, break the glass sort of event. You cheat and I'm done. I am not willing to live my life always having a doubt in the back of my head, potentially being triggered by every time she is late or has some strange anomaly in her activities. Every time I answer the phone and there's a hang up on the other end I'll be left wondering. 

No thanks. I deserve better. What's your gut telling you?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Any BS who attempts reconciliation needs to know that 

1) they have to be able to pull the plug at any time into the process if they realize it won't work. Even 10 or 20 years later.
2) unless the WS is TRULY REMORSEFUL, it will never work
3) they aren't going to know what they really want for YEARS. Literally. It takes years - at least 3 or 4 - to get your head into a space where you will really KNOW if what you're doing is the right thing
4) they have to be able to CHOOSE to be with the WS. It takes hard work to find this out.

There's no easy way to do it. It's hard, it sucks, and it takes a BLOODY long time.


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