# End of my rope



## strongdaddy (Apr 18, 2012)

I have been married for 15 years. I love my wife dearly, and she loves me. I could see being with no one else. But, she has some major relationship issues that we have discussed on numerous occasions, and she is not making any changes.

The issues are:

--Affection - She has initiated kissing maybe once or twice in 15 years, counting the time we were dating. She sees nothing wrong with this, and it doesn't click that it's highly unusual. She also sees nothing wrong with the fact that as a couple, we've never had a single passionate night where we've made love for extended periods of time. This is somewhat of a foreign concept to her. Granted, now we are in our mid-40s and past our prime, but we've never had any of these passionate evenings where love making occurred multiple times.
--Trust - When she expresses a need, I make every effort to take it seriously, remember it and work on it. When I express a need (emotional, relational, physical, whatever), she completely forgets it time and time again. We have discussed this dozens of times but she is not changing. No matter what need I express, 2 months later is has been completely forgotten and she acts like it's a new concept.

The trust is really the big issue. Let me give some examples.

My wife loves to let our 8 year old sleep in our bedroom on the weekends. It's a fun thing, and I understand why she enjoys it. 4 months ago I mentioned to my wife that it would be nice if at least once a month if we could have a couples weekend.

Well as my wife typically does, she responded and we had a night to ourselves the next weekend, but then she proceeded to forget my request and we haven't had a weekend since. I asked her about it last night and she had completely forgotten about it.

This happens on EVERY request I make. EVERY request...literally. She forgets every request I make and it's getting to the point where I am starting to think about divorce because I can't take it anymore.

Another example...

About 12 years ago I started to ask why she had no interest in sex. She would claim she is interested, we would have sex, and then unless I mentioned we weren't having sex, she would all but ignore me. This pattern has continued to no end. As long as I stay silent, she slips into her comfort zone and all but ignores me. At one point we had no intercourse for 6 months.

Name any issue/subject in our relationship and it's the same story. I will tell her something important, and unless I keep bringing it up she will completely forget it. This is far, far more than just sex. Sex is merely the tip of the iceberg.

She forgets everything I bring up. It's like she doesn't care. I have no trust anymore. I don't have a clue what is taking place. She is so wrapped up in her own world that I don't know what else to call this other than extreme selfishness.

If she asks for something, I give it. I remember it, work on it, and don't forget it. If I ask for something and remain silent, 2 months later she has completely forgotten the topic.

I think about her all the time. I want to be with her, I tell her, touch her and talk to her. But unless I mention something like, "hey you aren't giving me any time", she could literally go years without wanting to have a couples night, or doing anything romantically spontaneous whatsoever.

In summary...It's like I don't exist unless I scream at the top of my lungs that I'm alive. These "screaming" (not really screaming, but you get the point) sessions are becoming more frequent as I grow depressed and more lonely. I'm at the point right now where I feel I need to completely disengage any physical relationship just so I can keep my sanity.

I welcome any thoughts or feedback. I don't know what to do anymore. All my needs are lost in time.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

S. Daddy,

Nobody does anything to you that you don't allow them to do.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/44287-nice-expectations-ticket-emotional-hell.html


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Apparently she has no need to pay any attention to any of your needs. 

It's a sad and hard lesson, and may make you question your understanding of marriage, but for many people love given too easily is not valued. 

You need to pull back and perhaps rethink whether you are too much of a pleaser.


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## strongdaddy (Apr 18, 2012)

Conrad said:


> S. Daddy,
> 
> Nobody does anything to you that you don't allow them to do.


To your post:



> We lose ourselves in the process refusing to give up on the idea that if only SHE were happy she’d meet my needs.


I don't think this way. 



> Yet, that doesn’t stop us from trying day after day year after year being nice waiting


I haven't been "nice" waiting. I have made firm requests that changes be made. I can't control her responses to these challenges, but that does not mean I am being sugary nice.

I take my obligation to this relationship and my children seriously. But I have been anything but nice about her lack of action the past several years.



> If you recognize yourself here then the next key question is


I don't, sorry, but thanks for responding.


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## strongdaddy (Apr 18, 2012)

Lionelhutz said:


> You need to pull back and perhaps rethink whether you are too much of a pleaser.


I was for years but am far from that now.

I have been very firm and demanding the last several year. I have told her in endless heated discussion that unhealthy and trust destroying decisions are not something I will continue to take.

She forgets these conversations the minute she feels the "threat" of my words has retreated.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

She forgets everything I bring up.

Women do not forget anything! My wife can still bring up some little thing I did 5 years ago and remember almost every detail down to the last hair.


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## strongdaddy (Apr 18, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> She forgets everything I bring up.
> 
> Women do not forget anything! My wife can still bring up some little thing I did 5 years ago and remember almost every detail down to the last hair.


I'm sorry but she does.


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## strongdaddy (Apr 18, 2012)

Not really finding much value here on this forum. Thanks for your time, and good luck.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Have you two seen a marriage counselor? Sounds like you have a lot of issues, primarily communication.

You must love her a great deal, even if she frustrates you. Do yourself a favor and get some professional help.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

strongdaddy said:


> I take my obligation to this relationship and my children seriously. But I have been anything but nice about her lack of action the past several years.


In what way have you not been nice to her about this issue?

I ask because your posts suggest that you are still doing all sorts of things for her that meet her needs. Is this accurate?


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## WhoIsIt (Dec 28, 2010)

strongdaddy said:


> I was for years but am far from that now.
> 
> I have been very firm and demanding the last several year. I have told her in endless heated discussion that unhealthy and trust destroying decisions are not something I will continue to take.


Then it's clear that strong words and heated discussions aren't enough. Have you told her what the consequences will be for her inattention to you?

Threats without follow-through are ultimately useless, which is why: 



> She forgets these conversations the minute she feels the "threat" of my words has retreated.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

strongdaddy said:


> To your post:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It's a shame you don't see it.

The very fact that you're still there allowing her to ignore you speaks volumes.

Good luck.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Tall Average Guy said:


> In what way have you not been nice to her about this issue?
> 
> I ask because your posts suggest that you are still doing all sorts of things for her that meet her needs. Is this accurate?


Actions speak louder than words.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

strongdaddy said:


> Not really finding much value here on this forum. Thanks for your time, and good luck.


Good luck to you.

Apparently, you have all the answers you need.

Doesn't seem to be working for you, but - apparently - that's a bit of a theme.


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## PooDoo (Aug 12, 2011)

StrongDaddy - I hope you are still looking at this thread. We had/have a similar dynamc in our marriage - look for PooDoo posts - "What do husbands "need" from their wives??". I got some good advice. Tough to take all the 'your the problem' criticism - I know. I'm not going to change me (become super alpha-male-man) to fix the marriage - so she falls for the 'new' me that's really not me - how does that work anyway? I did need to change some things which you sound like you're open to doing. What's been working (for me/us) is spending much more time with her (alone) - which was a major fail for me in the past. I thought she was happy in our marriage, but she recently confided that she was not and why (took time with her to find this out!). Have fun rediscovering her. Best of luck!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

cheatinghubby said:


> She forgets everything I bring up.
> 
> Women do not forget anything! My wife can still bring up some little thing I did 5 years ago and remember almost every detail down to the last hair.





strongdaddy said:


> I'm sorry but she does.



She doesn't forget! She has a convenient memory, it's called selective recall .... or selective not recall!


Your problem is in believing her. Take that belief away and then see how things look. It sounds like she's deliberatley hurting you! Probably to do with resentment.


How could she possibly forget how her husband wants to be loved? She doesn't forget plus you don't fit very big in her "Who do I please today" plans. It sounds like you're at the back of the queue. Eight year old in bed over the weekend! She probably gets him in the bed so she doesn't have sex with you!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

StrongDaddy:

Hope you are still on this forum. Would hate to think that you gave only *32 minutes *(in the middle of a work day, no less) *and only 3 people's responses *[but you're AWESOME people, no doubt!!] *an opportunity* to help you get some new perspectives on your problems.

There are any number of reasons your wife has never been interested in intimacy...asexual, repression, upbringing (sex is bad/dirty), the list is endless. Is SHE interested in changing her attitude? YOU can't make her change. YOU can't 'love' her into changing. YOU can only be responsible for YOU.

If you object to your child in the bedroom every weekend, then YOU need to change it. Instead of 1 weekend a month for Mom/Dad, it should be 1 weekend a month for 8yo in our bedroom. Then enforce it.

Ask your wife flat out, "Wife, why do YOU think you don't remember the things I ask of you?" Don't let her weasel out of it. If she says, "I don't know." then tell her "We should talk to a counselor and find out. What evening is best for you next week? Tomorrow I will make an appointment for us." If she won't go to counseling with you, you can't make her go.

If she doesn't care, you cannot single-handedly change your marriage. You can continue to accept it (with more or less screaming as the moment moves you) or you can move on. You could talk to a MC or IC by yourself. Maybe a temporary separation out of your home would effect change. A counselor may be able to advise you.


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