# Need Your Thoughts...Do I Stay? Or Go?



## dprice5892 (Jun 28, 2008)

I'm forty-six and have been living with my special someone for fourteen months now. We dated exclusively two years prior to moving in together and never argue. He was the one to began talking of our future together and it was his idea to live together.....there was no pressure from me in any way, shape, or form. He has been married twice before, widowed from the first and divorced from the second. By all accounts, his first marriage was as close to perfect as one can get and it's obvious that he loved her very much. He remarried fourteen months after his first wife's death; now he admits remarrying was probably due to sheer loneliness. I believe he enjoyed being married so much the first time that he envisioned his second marriage would be that way. After seven years, they divorced and he believes now he was heavily used during that marriage. The divorce didn't go smoothly, but he paid everything he was asked just to get it over with.

He has professed that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and all his talk centers around us and our future. My name is on the deed to the house and he has purchased mortgage insurance to pay off the house if something happens to him (I had to pressure him about the insurance though, and it took him seven months to obtain it). He is by far one of the few good men left.....he's loving, affectionate, kind and considerate, and tolerant. Not a day goes by that he doesn't tell me he loves me. Up until a week or so ago, we never even argued.

I've recently begun feeling somewhat resentful that I am filling the role as wife without the security a wife has. I've touched on the subject of marriage lightly a couple of times, but it never really got anywhere. A couple of weeks ago, I brought the subject up again and commenced to have our first major blow-up. He claims that he is not ready to get married again, which seems contradictory to the comments he's made in the past regarding our future together.....if he loved me as he says, then why isn't he ready to marry me? It seems to me that if at his age (55) he's not ready now, he never will be. He claims to love me far more than he did his ex-wife, but if that's so, why did he give her the security of marriage, yet is not willing to give it to me? He won't even commit to being ready "one day", just continues to say he is not ready. I asked him did he love me enough to marry me, being sure to tell him that did not mean we had to get married.....I just wanted to know if he loved me enough to do so. I don't know whether he was being purposely obtuse and misunderstanding what I was saying or what, but after going around in circles for a while, he finally said yes, he loved me enough to marry me, then ruined it by adding "but I'm not ready to get married". He claims that thanks to his second marriage, he is now wary of marriage......my response is that he is punishing me for his ex-wife's behavior.

I left for three days and received a voicemail from him on the second day pleading with me to come home.

Am I being selfish? Too impatient? I never doubted him before when he said "I love you, but now I'm starting to wonder. If he truly loved me, wouldn't he want to make provisions for me upon his death (the fact I had to push him to get the mortgage insurance is what planted the first seed of doubt)? Wouldn't he want to, and be ready, to marry me? I'm really confused.....his actions don't seem to match his words. Maybe I'm kicking up too much of a fuss over a piece of paper.....given our relationship is pretty much smooth sailing as it is, maybe I should be content with what we have and I should not ask for more. 

Day by day, my doubt of his love increases.

Ladies, I'd like your take on this situation. Guys, please give me some idea as to mens' thought processes and what his behavior means. Will he ever be ready, or should I just cut my losses now and move on?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Just tell him you can't wait for ever and would like to know how long it will be. That is fair. But it is not uncommon to wait 5-7 years (total) to be sure.

draconis


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

dprice5892 said:


> Ladies, I'd like your take on this situation.


It definitely sounds like he took a beating with the second marriage. Since his first marriage was a happy one, I would think he didn't think twice about doing it again, but after his divorce I can see why he has reservations. I don't think he's punishing you for his ex's behaviors, I think he is being cautious based on what he's learned from past experience.

If you had to push him to get mortgage insurance, you do think maybe he's worried you want marriage for security reasons over love for him? And by leaving after he said he wasn't ready, this might cause him to feel even more uneasy.

From what you've said, it sounds as though he loves you very much and is being very honest with you regarding marriage. I would take him for his word and decide whether the possibility that he may never be ready to re-marry is something you can live with.


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## Josh (Jul 4, 2008)

From what i gather - there is something you are missing about him.
And if you cant read your man like an open book yet - the best thing is just to talk with him about it and confront his actions with his words.

Just my $0.02


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