# Unhappy with life and mariage



## Atoya (4 mo ago)

Hi everyone,

I am new to this group but I thought I should share a bit to receive some input and feedback. 

I have been married for 6 years and I have a lovely little boy, soon to be 5. 

When I first met my husband about 8 years ago, I fell for him after about a few dates. I cannot say that I was entirely attracted to him but he grew on me. 

At the time I met him, I lived alone and enjoyed my life and career. However, we soon decided to move in together because the long distance and the flights were too much. I then suffered a miscarriage. Soon after that we got married and I decided I wanted a child - I made this decision mainly because I felt badly about my miscarriage. I felt guilty, like it was somehow my fault. Though I initially didn't want kids, I changed my mind. [Didn't want kids because had a thought family life and relationship with my dad was nonexistent]

My husband was married before and in the early stages on our marriage things were tough with her ex-wife. I believe that some of the decisions he made initially in relation to his daughter left a bad taste on my tongue. 

I am not sure when it was but at some point I seized feeling attracted to him. Not sure why but I guess it was a mixture of a lot of things. 

Now, it has been about 3 years since I haven't been feeling attracted to him. I started going to bed late a night so I don't have ro have sex but sometimes he waits on me - like if he isn't tired. 

In all honesty, my husband is a good guy. But I am just not feeling it. 

Then I recently started a new job after being a stay at home mom for a few years. This new job is not in the least fulfilling. It just made me miss my previous job which i did when I met my husband even more. 

So at this point I miss the life I had before my husband. I miss having my own space, wearing nice dresses and heading to the office with high heels and socialising, meeting different people. My previous job was highly social one. I didn't realise how much I enjoyed it. 

So now most I just feel sad all the time. Not happy with my life, my husband or my job. Has anyone ever felt this way and how did you fix it.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Atoya said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I am new to this group but I thought I should share a bit to receive some input and feedback.
> 
> ...


I hear a lot of “I” and “I decided” in your post, which gives the impression that you may be more dominant in your marriage then your husband.
Basically, it sounds like you settled for a safe, passive man who you’re not attracted to because you don’t really respect him as a man.

by the way, is there another man in the picture, or one that you are strongly attracted to?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Atoya said:


> So at this point I miss the life I had before my husband. I miss having my own space, wearing nice dresses and heading to the office with high heels and socialising, meeting different people. My previous job was highly social one. I didn't realise how much I enjoyed it


You are missing the single life, and dreading being physical with your husband. Have you thought of marriage counseling? You're having buyers remorse, but not for any reasons that you shared. Just that you changed. I agree with Dude’s question...is there another man in your life?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I would recommend trying marriage counseling.

If you don't want to put in the work to fix this problem, then divorce him. He deserves more than a wife who isn't attracted to him, avoids sex for three years, etc. Honestly, you may be lucky he has put up with that for so long.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Has it occurred to you that you might have built up resentment against your husband since all these changes you decided you didn’t like (in hind sight)??

I highly doubt he is the reason you are feeling so unsatisfied. If you are unhappy in your current job, make a plan to obtain a job that is more fullfiling. Won’t happen overnight but I think if you really take some time to set & write out some goals for yourself and start putting the plan into action you will feel better. This may sound silly, but if you have space in your home, set up an small area where you work on your plan. Heck you can even dress nice in that time to get youmore in that mode of thinking. If you’re having a hard time getting back into the line of business you were previously in make contact withyour previous contacts in that industry or perhaps a mentor.

Anyway, it does sound like you need to work on yourself to get over this resentment. Talk to a couselor about to see if resentment is indeed the issue or not. And then from there see if your husband is open to marriage counseling.

I apologize for any grammar errors. My phone just does not like this site. Change my words and I cannot find and correct all the “errors” my phone creates.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Atoya said:


> So at this point I miss the life I had before my husband. I miss having my own space, wearing nice dresses and heading to the office with high heels and socialising, meeting different people. My previous job was highly social one. I didn't realise how much I enjoyed it.


Everyone is focusing on your husband in this, but I’m wondering about your child. What you’re longing for is your life before you had a family. 

It is normal to miss being single and childless sometimes. Having zero responsibilities. Being able to do what you want, when you want. 

You do realize that even if you divorce, there is no undo button for babies, right? 

I’m wondering how much of this is really about your husband and how much is you realizing the being an adult is not glamorous and fun. Even if you blow up
your marriage, your life will never be what it was before. Just be sure you’re being realistic. And also realize that your husband isn’t obligated to sit around and wait while you deal with this. If you treat him like this is his fault, he will (rightfully) leave. Tread carefully here.


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## Atoya (4 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> I hear a lot of “I” and “I decided” in your post, which gives the impression that you may be more dominant in your marriage then your husband.
> Basically, it sounds like you settled for a safe, passive man who you’re not attracted to because you don’t really respect him as a man.
> 
> by the way, is there another man in the picture, or one that you are strongly attracted to?


Yeah, actually he is passive. In the early atages of our relationship, after my sister noticed he said yes to everything. I had to have a talk with him and explain that he doesn't have to say yes to everything. Then he got better over time. Now we discuss better and he shares how he feels about stuff before we do it etc. 

However, there isn't someone else in my life whom I find more attractive. I had one male friend who was a bit flirty but I ditched him because I didn't like having a friend who also flirted with me. 

Additionally, Dispute his flirtation, was never attracted to my friend. So he didn't affect my marriage in any way. He ecane friends from am expat community thing.


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## Atoya (4 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Everyone is focusing on your husband in this, but I’m wondering about your child. What you’re longing for is your life before you had a family.
> 
> It is normal to miss being single and childless sometimes. Having zero responsibilities. Being able to do what you want, when you want.
> 
> ...


Solid advice. Thanks. I guess I thought about getting a divorce than quickly realising that a divorce is not going to solve my issues. Further, I also think of my son. So then once I realised divorce isn't the answer. I guess I suddenly started feeling trapped. I even thought about cheating, quickly realising that is also not going to help me. Then I start thinking, how can I feel attracted to my husband again, looked at him naked and thought - oh no that's not gonna help me either.

Now I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. So I figured there must be a way of gaining some level of gratification - so I posted here with the hope that someone will say something that stands out. Something I haven't thought about.


BeyondRepair007 said:


> You are missing the single life, and dreading being physical with your husband. Have you thought of marriage counseling? You're having buyers remorse, but not for any reasons that you shared. Just that you changed. I agree with Dude’s question...is there another man in your life?


Marriage counselling has crossed my mind but then that would mean having to come clean to my husband and say how I really feel. Then he will be hurt and sad. So I dismissed it. My husband has no idea how I feel. He thinks I go to bed late because after working I have to clean up the house because I detest nastiness. He thinks I am a compulsive house cleaner - all of which are partly true. 

When I do not have a choice- then I do have sex with him. I have never told him no. I just avoid or simply have sex. 

I suppose sometimes I sorta do end up enjoying it. But thats because I create my own mental fantasies and he does pay attention to my needs as well.


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## Atoya (4 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> I hear a lot of “I” and “I decided” in your post, which gives the impression that you may be more dominant in your marriage then your husband.
> Basically, it sounds like you settled for a safe, passive man who you’re not attracted to because you don’t really respect him as a man.
> 
> by the way, is there another man in the picture, or one that you are strongly attracted to?





bobert said:


> I would recommend trying marriage counseling.
> 
> If you don't want to put in the work to fix this problem, then divorce him. He deserves more than a wife who isn't attracted to him, avoids sex for three years, etc. Honestly, you may be lucky he has put up with that for so long.


Actually I do have sex with him, but I avoid it when I can. Bit I have never said no to him. But yes, I do want to make it work. Hence I came here to get a broader prospective. I thought I might be missing something.


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## Atoya (4 mo ago)

Lotsofheart73 said:


> Has it occurred to you that you might have built up resentment against your husband since all these changes you decided you didn’t like (in hind sight)??
> 
> I highly doubt he is the reason you are feeling so unsatisfied. If you are unhappy in your current job, make a plan to obtain a job that is more fullfiling. Won’t happen overnight but I think if you really take some time to set & write out some goals for yourself and start putting the plan into action you will feel better. This may sound silly, but if you have space in your home, set up an small area where you work on your plan. Heck you can even dress nice in that time to get youmore in that mode of thinking. If you’re having a hard time getting back into the line of business you were previously in make contact withyour previous contacts in that industry or perhaps a mentor.
> 
> ...


Thanks, solid advice. We'll I have been looking into getting back into my previous job. The issues is that my previous jobs required a lot of travelling - I would barely be at home. Which could be good in my current situation but I want to be there for my son... my husband is a big guy and will be fine. I spoke to him about it and he said that since my job was well paying, he would quit his job and stay home with our son if I go back to work.


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## Atoya (4 mo ago)

Atoya said:


> Thanks, solid advice. We'll I have been looking into getting back into my previous job. The issues is that my previous jobs required a lot of travelling - I would barely be at home. Which could be good in my current situation but I want to be there for my son... my husband is a big guy and will be fine. I spoke to him about it and he said that since my job was well paying, he would quit his job and stay home with our son if I go back to work.


Also I do try all the self-care stuff. I grt manicures and pedicures, I do facials regularly, always try to look nice etc. It helps to provide a healthy distraction.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Have you ever suffered from depression or does your family have a history of it?


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## Atoya (4 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> Have you ever suffered from depression or does your family have a history of it?


This I have no idea - never checked. I am aware of moments of sadness however, but never thought of killing myself or anything like that. So probably not.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Depressions and thoughts of suicide are not the same thing. You can have depression without those type of thoughts. 

I saw your response about the travel required in your prior profession. Surely your husband can still work part time while child is in school or preschool. I personally would not want to travel and be a way from my children when they were small (my idea of small is under 10). But everyone is not the same. Sounds like you might need to consider a different job. Is there anything that you can do that doesn’t require the travel but would keep you in similar field?

I think nearly everyone goes through a spell in life where they think “what am I doing”, “how did things get like this?”. Think about what you want and make it happen. 

Do you think you and husband have lost “connection” due to having child now? Does husband knowhow you are feeling?


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## Atoya (4 mo ago)

Lotsofheart73 said:


> Depressions and thoughts of suicide are not the same thing. You can have depression without those type of thoughts.
> 
> I saw your response about the travel required in your prior profession. Surely your husband can still work part time while child is in school or preschool. I personally would not want to travel and be a way from my children when they were small (my idea of small is under 10). But everyone is not the same. Sounds like you might need to consider a different job. Is there anything that you can do that doesn’t require the travel but would keep you in similar field?
> 
> ...


Brilliant advice, thanks. Well to be honest, depression isn't something I explored a lot. So who knows, perhaps I am depressed. I always considered myself to be an emotionally and mentally strong person. So I always either found a way to fix my problem or got out of the situation so I didn't have to deal with it. Now, I feel my hands are tied. 

Yes, my husband says he will probably still try to work part-time. I agree with you, hence I don't want to leave me son, he is 5. But at the same time, I keep thinking I am getting older and the longer I wait, the less likely I can get back to doing my old more glamorous job. 

But yes, what I currently do is in the same field. It is generally what most people in my field do after they get married and have kids. Similar type of work but more stability. At the moment, I work from home and can still be with my son. My husband loves this job. But I miss wearing heels and heading to an office etc.

I have tried many distraction techniques, even started the gym, gardening, posting on social media, lots of self-care - skincare, manicures and pedicures, shopping, etc, thinking this annoying feeling will pass but no luck so far.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

You sound depressed. Unhappy marriage, unhappy job, unhappy life. I suggest you talk to your doctor and get some IC. This has nothing to do with your husband.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Atoya said:


> I have tried many distraction techniques, even started the gym, gardening, posting on social media, lots of self-care - skincare, manicures and pedicures, shopping, etc, thinking this annoying feeling will pass but no luck so far.


Clinical depression doesn't go away on it's own.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Atoya said:


> I guess I suddenly started feeling trapped.


We're not supposed to talk about this because we're women, but this is a VERY normal feeling. Especially after a baby as the reality starts to set in. You realize that 1. being an adult is no fun, and 2. you are, in fact, trapped, for at least 18 years (longer, let's be realistic, once you're a Mommy, you're a Mommy forever 😉). It can be very overwhelming. Men have mid-life crises and get a 22 year old girlfriend and a sports car, we as a society are so familiar with it it's cliché. Women aren't believed to have those kinds of feelings, and to the outside world it can be interpreted as being a bad mother, so there's no real support for it. No one tells you that you're going to feel this way.

It is OK to feel like this. It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mother. What is NOT ok is to freak out and blow up other people's lives.

Do you have a circle of girlfriends? Not just acquaintances but real friends, people you can tell your secrets to and have them understand? Because if you talk to other women in the same place, if they're honest, they'll tell you these feelings are normal and it doesn't make you a bad mother to have these feelings. They'll also tell you, like I will, that it WILL pass. Therapy is also a REALLY good option. A disinterested third party who can listen to you without judging is HUGE. It's less about "accepting" where you are in life and more about realizing that where you are is a good place. I know you're job isn't what you had before, and I would really suggest looking for something else that suits your personality better. You're at work a lot of hours to not enjoy being there, and the easiest time to find a job is when you already have one. Take a deep breath, make the changes you can make for yourself, and realize that what you are doing now is what all the young girls are TRYING to do. They're all out trying to find a man they can share their lives with, so they can have a family, and you have that. It's an adjustment and yes, it is not as much "fun." But it is WAY more substantial and rewarding.

Just like all the rest of us, 😉 you'll get through this, as long as you don't overreact and lay waste to the life you've started building.


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## Atoya (4 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> You sound depressed. Unhappy marriage, unhappy job, unhappy life. I suggest you talk to your doctor and get some IC. This has nothing to do with your husband.


I agree with you. This is why this is so bothering. I look at my husband and I think he is a really great guy. Aside from being short (which I put aside as purely material and something I shouldn't concern myself with) - he is really great, super loving (he stays in touch with me when he is at work during his breaks), not doing do any of those bad things that would stress me out (like cheating or going out drinking and returning in the wee hours of the morning) - he helps around the house- took care of us for 4 years after my son was born without placing any financial limitations on me etc. He is a nice guy, hence I cannot figure what is my problem. But depression may be it. What do you mean IC. Sorry but not familiar with clinical terms, I rarely visit the doctor... I go only when I am in dire straights.


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## Atoya (4 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> We're not supposed to talk about this because we're women, but this is a VERY normal feeling. Especially after a baby as the reality starts to set in. You realize that 1. being an adult is no fun, and 2. you are, in fact, trapped, for at least 18 years (longer, let's be realistic, once you're a Mommy, you're a Mommy forever 😉). It can be very overwhelming. Men have mid-life crises and get a 22 year old girlfriend and a sports car, we as a society are so familiar with it it's cliché. Women aren't believed to have those kinds of feelings, and to the outside world it can be interpreted as being a bad mother, so there's no real support for it. No one tells you that you're going to feel this way.
> 
> It is OK to feel like this. It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mother. What is NOT ok is to freak out and blow up other people's lives.
> 
> ...


Oh, never heard of a sort of mid life crisis for women. However, it crossed my mind, then I said I am not forty as yet - perhaps not possible. But you also make a valid point. 

I have a group of women I hang out with. We do little get togethers and potlucks but I just listen to their business, I never talk mine. I am just so super private. I sorta told my sister a part of the story but again, not the entire thing. I have always been super private. 

You advise is great though - because now that you mentioned it, I recollect being single and thinking I will never find a husband. Then a week later I met my current husband. Besides, I recollect dating sucking big time. Thanks a lot, you were super encouraging, assuraning me that it will pass.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Atoya said:


> I agree with you. This is why this is so bothering. I look at my husband and I think he is a really great guy. Aside from being short (which I put aside as purely material and something I shouldn't concern myself with) - he is really great, super loving (he stays in touch with me when he is at work during his breaks), not doing do any of those bad things that would stress me out (like cheating or going out drinking and returning in the wee hours of the morning) - he helps around the house- took care of us for 4 years after my son was born without placing any financial limitations on me etc. He is a nice guy, hence I cannot figure what is my problem. But depression may be it. What do you mean IC. Sorry but not familiar with clinical terms, I rarely visit the doctor... I go only when I am in dire straights.


IC = Individual Counseling

That's always a good place to start with issues you described. But I would also see a doctor since they can deal with possible depression. And this is dire straights in my opinion.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Atoya said:


> What do you mean IC.


Individual counseling...


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Men have mid-life crises and get a 22 year old girlfriend and a sports car


Dang, I completely missed out on that deal 😆

]


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Atoya said:


> Marriage counselling has crossed my mind but then that would mean having to come clean to my husband and say how I really feel. Then he will be hurt and sad. So I dismissed it. My husband has no idea how I feel. He thinks I go to bed late because after working I have to clean up the house because I detest nastiness. He thinks I am a compulsive house cleaner - all of which are partly true.


It's a good idea to come clean with your husband anyway.
If you want anything at all to change you will have too.

It will be much harder for him to get divorce papers from you and never having the chance to change and make things better.

Talk to him, come clean with him. If he pushes back and turns into an a$$ then you know and can act accordingly. But from the way you describe him I wonder if he won't try to help make things better, including MC.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

SCDad01 said:


> Dang, I completely missed out on that deal 😆


Never too late.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

SCDad01 said:


> Dang, I completely missed out on that deal 😆





TexasMom1216 said:


> Never too late.


Wait...was that an option? Holy smokes I missed that! 🤣

Ha, yea...it's always too late if you're married and know better


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Never too late.


LOL....yes it is. I'm older and wiser now. A 20 something GF would be a huge headache. Can I take a 22 year old car instead?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

SCDad01 said:


> LOL....yes it is. I'm older and wiser now. A 20 something GF would be a huge headache. Can I take a 22 year old car instead?


One of the cool things about being older is that you have more money for things like that.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Atoya said:


> I agree with you. This is why this is so bothering. I look at my husband and I think he is a really great guy. Aside from being short (which I put aside as purely material and something I shouldn't concern myself with) - he is really great, super loving (he stays in touch with me when he is at work during his breaks), not doing do any of those bad things that would stress me out (like cheating or going out drinking and returning in the wee hours of the morning) - he helps around the house- took care of us for 4 years after my son was born without placing any financial limitations on me etc. He is a nice guy, hence I cannot figure what is my problem. But depression may be it. What do you mean IC. Sorry but not familiar with clinical terms, I rarely visit the doctor... I go only when I am in dire straights.


Can you describe what the men in your prior relationships were like were they very different than your husband?

Perhaps you you see your husband as a husband and father and provider, but not as a lover and as a result you H suffers in your mind when you contrast him with your prior relationships.

You certainly are not alone in feeling lukewarm about your H.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Atoya said:


> Oh, never heard of a sort of mid life crisis for women. However, it crossed my mind, then I said I am not forty as yet - perhaps not possible.


It doesn't necessarily only happen at mid-life, sometimes people have those feelings off and on throughout their lives. After big changes, feeling unmoored for a bit is totally normal. Empty nest time is another change that can make people feel this way. 


Atoya said:


> I have always been super private.


If I were you (I'm not, I'm a stranger on the internet so my advice is worth what you're paying for it), I'd go to a therapist. Just tell your H you're feeling unhappy and you don't know why, because that is true. I would be very surprised if after a couple of private sessions you didn't feel totally different and much better. I'm private too, I don't share my problems with anyone IRL.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

If your hb is a great guy as you say why not try doing fun stuff with him so you associate him with fun?

Take up running or bike riding or go to shows or museums with him. My bf and I ride bikes together and it's very bonding. And we do other things together and have TV shows we watch together.

It's important that you and your hb have fun together. More then one affair has started because one does fun things with someone that's not their spouse and it's bonding. Go have fun with your hb!


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Atoya said:


> Actually I do have sex with him, but I avoid it when I can. Bit I have never said no to him. But yes, I do want to make it work. Hence I came here to get a broader prospective. I thought I might be missing something.


 saying yes to him is not enough when he wants sex , unless he is hiding it he would think it is strange that you never try to seduce him and look for sex


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Atoya said:


> Marriage counselling has crossed my mind but then that would mean having to come clean to my husband and say how I really feel.


You are married. You need to be able to talk to each other openly and work through problems together. If you can't, then nothing will improve.


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## Atoya (4 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> saying yes to him is not enough when he wants sex , unless he is hiding it he would think it is strange that you never try to seduce him and look for sex


Yes I agree and I told him that I don't really think about sex and he said OK.


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## Atoya (4 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It doesn't necessarily only happen at mid-life, sometimes people have those feelings off and on throughout their lives. After big changes, feeling unmoored for a bit is totally normal. Empty nest time is another change that can make people feel this way.
> 
> If I were you (I'm not, I'm a stranger on the internet so my advice is worth what you're paying for it), I'd go to a therapist. Just tell your H you're feeling unhappy and you don't know why, because that is true. I would be very surprised if after a couple of private sessions you didn't feel totally different and much better. I'm private too, I don't share my problems with anyone IRL.


Yes I agree because simply sharing on here, I already feel a bit better .


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## Atoya (4 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> If your hb is a great guy as you say why not try doing fun stuff with him so you associate him with fun?
> 
> Take up running or bike riding or go to shows or museums with him. My bf and I ride bikes together and it's very bonding. And we do other things together and have TV shows we watch together.
> 
> It's important that you and your hb have fun together. More then one affair has started because one does fun things with someone that's not their spouse and it's bonding. Go have fun with your hb!


Thanks a lot - I agree with you


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## Atoya (4 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> IC = Individual Counseling
> 
> That's always a good place to start with issues you described. But I would also see a doctor since they can deal with possible depression. And this is dire straights in my opinion.


OK, yes at the moment I would be more inclined to individual counselling.


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## Atoya (4 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> It's a good idea to come clean with your husband anyway.
> If you want anything at all to change you will have too.
> 
> It will be much harder for him to get divorce papers from you and never having the chance to change and make things better.
> ...


Hmm...that would be tough because I think it will hurt him. However, it is an option.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Atoya said:


> Yes I agree and I told him that I don't really think about sex and he said OK.


he seems to be a bit too willing to except what ever you through his way , 
it could be that he is too much of a nice guy and that some thing in you is telling you that you need him to stand up for himself more , it sounds like if you ask him to jump he does not even ask how high , he just starts jumping ,


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Atoya said:


> Hmm...that would be tough because I think it will hurt him. However, it is an option.


I tend to agree with you. I think he’ll internalize it and feel like it’s his fault. Nothing could be farther from the truth. This isn’t about him. It’s not that you don’t love HIM, based on what you’ve said it sounds like you’re feeling disappointed and trapped by life in general. Why upset him when it’s not his problem to fix and it will only make him feel bad?


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## Atoya (4 mo ago)

TAMAT said:


> Can you describe what the men in your prior relationships were like were they very different than your husband?
> 
> Perhaps you you see your husband as a husband and father and provider, but not as a lover and as a result you H suffers in your mind when you contrast him with your prior relationships.
> 
> You certainly are not alone in feeling lukewarm about your H.


Actually I don't believe I was ever in a relationship where I felt the guy was a big catch. My first boyfriend was a bum with no money and I did everything. Second boyfriend was a double bun with no money and no job. Then my third was amazing but we broke up because of work and he cheated. So my husband fell in the middle of all my exes, less good looking than the third about the same looks as the first two- as hard working as fhe third and more stable financially than the first two.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Atoya said:


> Hmm...that would be tough because I think it will hurt him. However, it is an option.


some how I think he is that nice that you could tell him the truth and he would be there to help you if that is going to couples and single therapy


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Atoya said:


> Actually I don't believe I was ever in a relationship where I felt the guy was a big catch. My first boyfriend was a bum with no money and I did everything. Second boyfriend was a double bun with no money and no job. Then my third was amazing but we broke up because of work and he cheated. So my husband fell in the middle of all my exes, less good looking than the third about the same looks as the first two- as hard working as fhe third and more stable financially than the first two.


sounds like you settled for a nice guy that does not turn you on , you need a guy that is a little bad boy to be more exciting may be ,


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Atoya said:


> * I cannot say that I was entirely attracted to him but he grew on me.*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I took out the important parts for discussion...

You really pulled a bait and switch on this poor guy....A lot of women do this, and wind up in your shoes, I have no idea why either......It wont get better, its only going to get worse...

You have a toddler. So you have a decision....

Stay and make the best of it for the sake of the child and wait until he's older to make a move, and be miserable, or divorce and know that you may not then automatically be happy, but your kid will likely suffer,, to some degree...I wouldn't judge you, either way, but that's really the extent of it....

If you learn anything from this is that attraction is most always the strongest initially....I don't believe that love or attraction "grows" over time...it almost never does...


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

Atoya said:


> I am *not sure when* it was but at some point I seized feeling attracted to him. *Not sure why* but I guess it was a mixture of a lot of things.
> ...
> So at this point I *miss the life I had before my husband*. I miss having my own space, wearing nice dresses and heading to the office with high heels and socialising, meeting different people. My previous job was highly social one. I didn't realise how much I enjoyed it.


What I'm picking up from all this is that your husband isn't the real problem here. You say he's a good guy and that you had a talk about being passive and he improved. Is he just guilty by association to the loss of your former life? Only you can fix that. It seems to be the only thing you are really sure about.


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## Atoya (4 mo ago)

hamadryad said:


> I took out the important parts for discussion...
> 
> You really pulled a bait and switch on this poor guy....A lot of women do this, and wind up in your shoes, I have no idea why either......It wont get better, its only going to get worse...
> 
> ...


Solid point - based on what everyone has said, I am thinking of trying counselling and checking for depression. Basically do all I can to better the situation. Then if nothing works, amma have to leave.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Atoya said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I am new to this group but I thought I should share a bit to receive some input and feedback.
> 
> ...


Some conversations are hard to have. I wouldn't imagine many couples who haven't had very tough discussions with their spouse at one time or another; the tougher they are, the harder they bind. You need to tell him how you feel and work on it together (the attraction issue). If it's insurmountable, you guys should have a backup plan whether that's living together and co-parenting, or divorcing. As far as missing your old life, I think that's completely normal. I sure did miss my single life and I only got about three good years of it so yeah..I missed it, still do. 

I'm a big believer in finding a job that you like. After all, you spend more time there than anywhere else so if you are miserable there, it will follow you into your personal life. Whatever you do, DON'T make your husband a stay at home dad. You think you don't have attraction for him now, just wait to your traveling around from work and in the company with all those hot guys and you come home to find your husband that you feel you are taking financially care of.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Atoya said:


> Solid advice. Thanks. I guess I thought about getting a divorce than quickly realising that a divorce is not going to solve my issues. Further, I also think of my son. So then once I realised divorce isn't the answer. I guess I suddenly started feeling trapped. I even thought about cheating, quickly realising that is also not going to help me. Then I start thinking, how can I feel attracted to my husband again, looked at him naked and thought - oh no that's not gonna help me either.
> 
> Now I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. So I figured there must be a way of gaining some level of gratification - so I posted here with the hope that someone will say something that stands out. Something I haven't thought about.
> 
> ...


You are robbing him of a marriage and a life with a woman who desires him and is in love with him.

No man wants to be married to a woman who doesn’t desire him and stays with him out of obligation or convenience.

You will end up hurting him far worse in the long run by deceiving him and lying to him and depriving him of the kind of marriage he really wants. Tell him the truth about how you feel now, he deserves to know the truth about his own marriage.


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