# Husband Not Handy



## KCarlisle

Let me start off first by saying that I'm so happy I found this place as I have no one I can talk to about these things IRL.

I've been with my husband for a total of a little over 5 years and we've been married for 1. I'm finding myself getting more and more frustrated with him and his lack of help around the house with minor repairs. 

We've finally bought our first home earlier this year after renting for 3 years. Since we were renting all we had to do was call the landlord up anytime we needed something repaired. Now that we don't have that luxury anymore, I'm basically just now finding out how totally inept my husband is at fixing anything around the house. As with many homes, ours needed and needs some repairs and upgrades. Since we've moved in I've installed all the blinds, curtains, and shelving; fixed the dishwasher; put the furniture together; regrouted the tile in the entryway; replaced a toilet; fixed the garbage disposal; replaced the tank to bowl gasket on another toilet; replaced any outlets that didn't work; fixed the refrigerator water filter compartment (that he broke); mounted all the TVs and more. Not only does it fill me with a sense of pride and accomplishment doing these things, it saves us a ton of money too since we don't have to always hire a professional.

Any time I've asked him for help with any of these things he always has the same answer: "I don't know how". When I tell him that I'll show him he makes up some excuse as to why he can't let me show him right then. Whenever anything involves using any sort of tool or manual he completely shuts down. I'm getting sick and tired of this and am losing my patience. he's a very smart and capable guy. he has a difficult job that he excels at. i don't understand his aversion to trying to fix anything around the house. whenever I don't know how to tackle something, i look it up and/or ask my dad (who's very handy) for advice. Sometimes what needs to be done is way beyond my skill level but at least I look into it and try to find a professional to help. He won't even do that.

for example, we have a bifold door that covers our kitchen pantry. It wasn't opening or closing smoothly and needed some adjusting. last weekend I asked my husband if he could try to fix it since I was busy doing something else. What does he do? he walks over to it, looks at it for a few seconds, jiggles it around a little bit, gives up and goes back to watching tv. I looked up a youtube video and was able to fix it in less than 5 minutes. why couldn't he do that? it was a very simple fix.

whenever i've attempted to talk to him about this he always says the same thing: that his father wasn't around growing up so he never learned how to do these things. even though that may be true, i'm sorry, it's not a good enough excuse for me. he could still at least try. in this day and age we have instant access to an infinite amount of information. he also has access to the same internet and resources i do. at this point i don't care if he fails at whatever he tries, as long as he put in some effort instead of sitting around leaving me to figure everything out.

Quite frankly, this is making me less sexually attracted to him. It's kind of a turn-off when your husband doesn't know what an allen wrench is and doesn't care to learn. it's not exactly arousing tightening a screw while your husband sits on the couch looking completely helpless. there's nothing that dries me up more than discovering something that your husband broke and left you to fix because he just couldn't be bothered to do even a modicum of research on it. 

he's not totally useless. he does cook and take care of the lawn at least. i just wish he would take more initiative with other things as well. I work full-time and am also in grad school. I already do most of the housework. I don't have the time or energy to tackle every single repair with the house too. Sometimes I get so frustrated with him I just want to scream and bang my head against the dining room table (that i put together with no help from him whatsoever).

I don't know what the solution is or if there even is one. can any men here give me some insight as to why he may be this way? any other ladies here dealing with the same issues? Anyway, thanks for listening. i know this was long.


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## chillymorn69

Thats how he is. 

He works hard,cooks,cleans and otherwise is a good husband.

Unless hes motivated himself to learn how to fix things most likley he won't and you pushing him to won't wake him up.

Quit fixing everything and complain about broken stuff and let him pay for repairs.maybe that will motivate him to fix thing himself.


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## john117

"Less sexually attracted"... Hmmm. What could possibly go wrong?

What culture? Education? Profession? Hobbies?

A very good friend is an MS Mechanical engineering and his wife is exactly like the above. Hasn't hurt their marriage any.


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## EleGirl

Can you give us more info?

How old are the two of you?

Do you have children?

Do you have a job? Or are you a stay at home wife/mom? If you have a job, how many hours a week do you work?

How many hours a week does he work?

What percentage of household chores does he do?


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## KCarlisle

john117 said:


> "Less sexually attracted"... Hmmm. What could possibly go wrong?
> 
> What culture? Education? Profession? Hobbies?
> 
> A very good friend is an MS Mechanical engineering and his wife is exactly like the above. Hasn't hurt their marriage any.


He's American and I'm Jamaican. He has a bachelor's degree and I'm working on my masters in a STEM field. He's a manager in a large hospital system that deals with all aspects of health insurance. His two main hobbies are baseball and collecting vinyl records.

I guess growing up in a household with a very handy father has influenced how i think a man should help contribute to a household. i'll admit that. the thing is, i know he's capable. he needed no help when figuring out how to configure his turntables or set up his speaker system because that was something that interested him. i just wish he'd also use a little bit of that enthusiasm when small things need some attention around the house. it's part of being a homeowner, to me.


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## KCarlisle

EleGirl said:


> Can you give us more info?
> 
> How old are the two of you?
> 
> Do you have children?
> 
> Do you have a job? Or are you a stay at home wife/mom? If you have a job, how many hours a week do you work?
> 
> How many hours a week does he work?
> 
> What percentage of household chores does he do?


Sure. He's 35 and I'm 31. We have no children and don't plan on having any. we both work full-time (40 hours) outside the home. He works days and I work a night job and am also working on earning a masters degree. he does do most of the cooking and meal planning although i do the grocery shopping. we take turn feeding the pets. he washes the dishes a few times a week and mows the lawn but besides that, i do pretty much everything else.


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## Satya

You are assuming that he should be a certain way. That is not the way he is.

My ex husband couldn't hang a picture. And his dad was a builder. My current husband has rewired the entire house, put on a roof, soldered radios together, and makes multiple trips to home depot per week. The house is always swimming in tools and stuff and just getting it consolidated and kept in one room is a problem So be careful what you wish for!

If you don't want to do thee things, I'd just pay for someone else to do them. If your husband were to do them, with lack of skill it could be a very sloppy job.

But this is the way he is. While I think everyone should have some basic diy skills, you're sounding like you're having a lot of "buyers remorse."


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## chillymorn69

KCarlisle said:


> Sure. He's 35 and I'm 31. We have no children and don't plan on having any. we both work full-time (40 hours) outside the home. He works days and I work a night job and am also working on earning a masters degree. he does do most of the cooking and meal planning although i do the grocery shopping. we take turn feeding the pets. he washes the dishes a few times a week and mows the lawn but besides that, i do pretty much everything else.


Sounds pretty fair to me.

Pay someone to do the repairs. You both work and make decent money.

Maybe arranging workers to fix everything and then paying through the nose will motivate him.


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## john117

It takes time to learn. And I'm very handy with manual labor. I grew up in apartment's so never learned the intricacies of house ownership. Takes time.

Do a few projects together and see if he gets more involved.


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## sandcastle

Pretty sure he knows the difference between a flat- head and a Phillips.

Why WOULD he fix things when he has YOU? He obviously has no sense of pride taking care of his home because you are doing it for him.

Get over your " I can do this" mantra and get a switch hitter( he loves Baseball) that he pays for to fix the potty. And the washer and the countless other things that are going to malfunction. Are you going to roof the house, replace the electrical, re plaster the ceiling when the shower leaks?

Hi hon- the ceiling is collapsing and I need to catch up on My record collection. You are the best.

You do have the power to fix this dynamic.


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## john117

Also keep in mind a lot of seemingly easy jobs require a professional... I can do landscaping, drywall, framing, trim carpentry, and painting but won't touch electrical work or plumbing.


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## MrsHolland

Yeah, just pay someone else to do it, what is the big deal?


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## GatorXP

MrsHolland said:


> Yeah, just pay someone else to do it, what is the big deal?


She wants him to fit her idea of a husband in her head. But he is just him. I imagine that if she wants him to be responsible for home repair and he agreed and then handled the responsibility by hiring contractors, she still would be unhappy.

Yet find plumbers extremely sexually attractive?


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## sandcastle

GatorXP said:


> She wants him to fit her idea of a husband in her head. But he is just him. I imagine that if she wants him to be responsible for home repair and he agreed and then handled the responsibility by hiring contractors, she still would be unhappy.
> 
> Yet find plumbers extremely sexually attractive?
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


Yeah- 

Super sexy for a woman to fix the toilet while Mr. Man is on EBay bidding on records.

"Find plumbers sexually attractive" 

Way to entirely miss the point.

But he DOES mow the lawn.


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## MrsHolland

GatorXP said:


> She wants him to fit her idea of a husband in her head. But he is just him. I imagine that if she wants him to be responsible for home repair and he agreed and then handled the responsibility by hiring contractors, she still would be unhappy.
> 
> Yet find plumbers extremely sexually attractive?
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


Well I have never met a broke plumber, where I live they are very high earners, yes that is attractive. But tradies have never done it for me, even the wealthy ones. Give me a white collar, high earner that knows how to pay for someone else to come and fix things while we go out to lunch


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## sandcastle

GatorXP said:


> Yet find plumbers extremely sexually attractive?


Hopefully, all these plumbers have wives that find them extremely sexually attractive IN SPITE OF their job- that they go to everyday, to pay for life.

How utterly degrading.


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## GatorXP

sandcastle said:


> Yeah-
> 
> Super sexy for a woman to fix the toilet while Mr. Man is on EBay bidding on records.
> 
> "Find plumbers sexually attractive"
> 
> Way to entirely miss the point.
> 
> But he DOES mow the lawn.


Someone is missing the point. That's for sure.

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## GatorXP

sandcastle said:


> Hopefully, all these plumbers have wives that find them extremely sexually attractive IN SPITE OF their job- that they go to everyday, to pay for life.
> 
> How utterly degrading.


Whiff...

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## GatorXP

MrsHolland said:


> Well I have never met a broke plumber, where I live they are very high earners, yes that is attractive. But tradies have never done it for me, even the wealthy ones. Give me a white collar, high earner that knows how to pay for someone else to come and fix things while we go out to lunch


Mrs.H knows what's hawt lol

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## sandcastle

GatorXP said:


> Whiff...
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


I think you owe plumbers worldwide an apology.

Whiff?


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## GatorXP

sandcastle said:


> I think you owe plumbers worldwide an apology.
> 
> Whiff?


Because your completely missing the point. What's wrong with plumbers? 

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## arbitrator

*Tell you what! Why don’t the two of you enroll in one of those home fix-up courses that they usually offer at local community colleges or hardware stores usually on Saturday’s? They pretty laid back in nature and are instructed by some rather good handymen!

Just plan on making a fun day out of it together! 

Attend the seminar, then make him take you out to a nice relaxing dinner afterward to discuss the merits of the class that day, then inconspicuously haul his happy a$$ right home and then give him Lesson No. 1 in how to get involved in duly “inspecting and fixing up your plumbing!”

But a warning to the wise is usually sufficient: Do not attempt to mess with either electrical or plumbing issues other than maybe installing a ceiling fan or a kitchen faucet! That can often cost you more money than it’s worth!*


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## Satya

[tj] 

Two words:

Plumber's bum.

[/tj]


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## sandcastle

GatorXP said:


> She wants him to fit her idea of a husband in her head. But he is just him. I imagine that if she wants him to be responsible for home repair and he agreed and then handled the responsibility by hiring contractors, she still would be unhappy.
> 
> Yet find plumbers extremely sexually attractive?
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


I guess you can explain your post in a different way.

Where did the OP ever allude to her finding a plumber extremely sexually attractive"?

What she said is- 

She is losing core interest in her husband because she fixes toilets, washing machines and every other thing in THEIR house while he watches Game of Thrones and baseball and updates his record collection.

She is no different than a husband on TAM that finds himself *****ing about and losing attraction to their wives that don't do x, y and z.

Whiff


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## KCarlisle

yes, he does know the difference between a Phillips and flathead screwdriver, he just chooses never to touch one.

just to be clear I'm not asking my husband to do anything super advanced. for major plumbing, electrical, roofing etc things I'd hire a professional. I'm talking about very basic things. for example, we have a coatrack near the front door that was very wobbly for a long time. he ignored it for months. i finally got sick of it and tightened the screw myself. is it really too much to ask for him to do something like that? does that really require the hiring of a handyman?

and yes, i would appreciate help in any way, even if he just called a professional. but like i said in my original post, he doesn't even do that.

we're newly married so maybe I'm expecting too much and am naiive? even though he does most of the cooking and the lawn i do help him by cooking sometimes and raking before he mows. i would never expect him to do 100% of the cooking. all I'm asking is for a little help with the upkeep of the home the way i help him with the cooking and leaves.


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## sandcastle

KCarlisle said:


> yes, he does know the difference between a Phillips and flathead screwdriver, he just chooses never to touch one.
> 
> just to be clear I'm not asking my husband to do anything super advanced. for major plumbing, electrical, roofing etc things I'd hire a professional. I'm talking about very basic things. for example, we have a coatrack near the front door that was very wobbly for a long time. he ignored it for months. i finally got sick of it and tightened the screw myself. is it really too much to ask for him to do something like that? does that really require the hiring of a handyman?
> 
> and yes, i would appreciate help in any way, even if he just called a professional. but like i said in my original post, he doesn't even do that.
> 
> we're newly married so maybe I'm expecting too much and am naiive? s.


Newly married?

You better nip this in the bud before you find yourself raking AND mowing.

Next time anything needs fixing get as helpless as he apparently is and call the handyman.

You could cook dinner that night!

Great trade off!


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## GatorXP

KCarlisle said:


> yes, he does know the difference between a Phillips and flathead screwdriver, he just chooses never to touch one.
> 
> just to be clear I'm not asking my husband to do anything super advanced. for major plumbing, electrical, roofing etc things I'd hire a professional. I'm talking about very basic things. for example, we have a coatrack near the front door that was very wobbly for a long time. he ignored it for months. i finally got sick of it and tightened the screw myself. is it really too much to ask for him to do something like that? does that really require the hiring of a handyman?
> 
> and yes, i would appreciate help in any way, even if he just called a professional. but like i said in my original post, he doesn't even do that.
> 
> we're newly married so maybe I'm expecting too much and am naiive? even though he does most of the cooking and the lawn i do help him by cooking sometimes and raking before he mows. i would never expect him to do 100% of the cooking. all I'm asking is for a little help with the upkeep of the home the way i help him with the cooking and leaves.


It doesn't seem like he has an aversion to work from what you have said. 
It could be he has reached his limit with his demanding job and the other things he already does. This is very understandable and he may not even realize it himself.

If being handy truly is a trait you need in your husband. Instead of harboring resentment and eroding the very foundation of your relationship, your going to need to force the issue and find out what's really going on and how a mutually agreed solution can be reached.


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## GatorXP

sandcastle said:


> I guess you can explain your post in a different way.
> 
> Where did the OP ever allude to her finding a plumber extremely sexually attractive"?
> 
> What she said is-
> 
> She is losing core interest in her husband because she fixes toilets, washing machines and every other thing in THEIR house while he watches Game of Thrones and baseball and updates his record collection.
> 
> She is no different than a husband on TAM that finds himself *****ing about and losing attraction to their wives that don't do x, y and z.
> 
> Whiff


It's not losing interest it's resentment founded or otherwise which is a precursor to contempt which as we know is the death knell of relationships...so yes just like all those other peeps on TAM

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## sandcastle

KCarlisle said:


> yes, he does know the difference between a Phillips and flathead screwdriver, he just chooses never to touch one.
> 
> just to be clear I'm not asking my husband to do anything super advanced. for major plumbing, electrical, roofing etc things I'd hire a professional. I'm talking about very basic things. for example, we have a coatrack near the front door that was very wobbly for a long time. he ignored it for months. i finally got sick of it and tightened the screw myself. is it really too much to ask for him to do something like that? does that really require the hiring of a handyman?
> 
> and yes, i would appreciate help in any way, even if he just called a professional. but like i said in my original post, he doesn't even do that.
> .


Why can't YOU call "a professional"?

Or would he squeal like a stuck pig about you doing that?


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## sandcastle

GatorXP said:


> It's not losing interest it's resentment founded or otherwise which is a precursor to contempt which as we know is the death knell of relationships...so yes just like all those other peeps on TAM
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


So Iam I still whiffed?

Losing interest, resentment and /or fill in the blank.

It starts somewhere !


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## GatorXP

sandcastle said:


> So Iam I still whiffed?
> 
> Losing interest, resentment and /or fill in the blank.
> 
> It starts somewhere !


I understand your confusion in my post...im not done with my coffee yet...hard to tame my sarcasm ninja sometimes 

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## 482

KCarlisle said:


> Let me start off first by saying that I'm so happy I found this place as I have no one I can talk to about these things IRL.
> 
> I've been with my husband for a total of a little over 5 years and we've been married for 1. I'm finding myself getting more and more frustrated with him and his lack of help around the house with minor repairs.
> 
> We've finally bought our first home earlier this year after renting for 3 years. Since we were renting all we had to do was call the landlord up anytime we needed something repaired. Now that we don't have that luxury anymore, I'm basically just now finding out how totally inept my husband is at fixing anything around the house. As with many homes, ours needed and needs some repairs and upgrades. Since we've moved in I've installed all the blinds, curtains, and shelving; fixed the dishwasher; put the furniture together; regrouted the tile in the entryway; replaced a toilet; fixed the garbage disposal; replaced the tank to bowl gasket on another toilet; replaced any outlets that didn't work; fixed the refrigerator water filter compartment (that he broke); mounted all the TVs and more. Not only does it fill me with a sense of pride and accomplishment doing these things, it saves us a ton of money too since we don't have to always hire a professional.
> 
> Any time I've asked him for help with any of these things he always has the same answer: "I don't know how". When I tell him that I'll show him he makes up some excuse as to why he can't let me show him right then. Whenever anything involves using any sort of tool or manual he completely shuts down. I'm getting sick and tired of this and am losing my patience. he's a very smart and capable guy. he has a difficult job that he excels at. i don't understand his aversion to trying to fix anything around the house. whenever I don't know how to tackle something, i look it up and/or ask my dad (who's very handy) for advice. Sometimes what needs to be done is way beyond my skill level but at least I look into it and try to find a professional to help. He won't even do that.
> 
> for example, we have a bifold door that covers our kitchen pantry. It wasn't opening or closing smoothly and needed some adjusting. last weekend I asked my husband if he could try to fix it since I was busy doing something else. What does he do? he walks over to it, looks at it for a few seconds, jiggles it around a little bit, gives up and goes back to watching tv. I looked up a youtube video and was able to fix it in less than 5 minutes. why couldn't he do that? it was a very simple fix.
> 
> whenever i've attempted to talk to him about this he always says the same thing: that his father wasn't around growing up so he never learned how to do these things. even though that may be true, i'm sorry, it's not a good enough excuse for me. he could still at least try. in this day and age we have instant access to an infinite amount of information. he also has access to the same internet and resources i do. at this point i don't care if he fails at whatever he tries, as long as he put in some effort instead of sitting around leaving me to figure everything out.
> 
> Quite frankly, this is making me less sexually attracted to him. It's kind of a turn-off when your husband doesn't know what an allen wrench is and doesn't care to learn. it's not exactly arousing tightening a screw while your husband sits on the couch looking completely helpless. there's nothing that dries me up more than discovering something that your husband broke and left you to fix because he just couldn't be bothered to do even a modicum of research on it.
> 
> he's not totally useless. he does cook and take care of the lawn at least. i just wish he would take more initiative with other things as well. I work full-time and am also in grad school. I already do most of the housework. I don't have the time or energy to tackle every single repair with the house too. Sometimes I get so frustrated with him I just want to scream and bang my head against the dining room table (that i put together with no help from him whatsoever).
> 
> I don't know what the solution is or if there even is one. can any men here give me some insight as to why he may be this way? any other ladies here dealing with the same issues? Anyway, thanks for listening. i know this was long.




I️ can understand where you are coming from on this one. Every time I️ meet a man that can’t fix a thing it rubs me the wrong way. I️ kind of look at them like they still make you. With that said I️ know one of my friends in a 12 year marriage that never fixes a thing he pays for everything, they seem ok with this dynamic, wife’s father is very handy. Also I️ don’t watch football. You should see the blank stares some men give me when I️ tell them that. Guess what I️ am trying to say is everyone is different and can make things work in their own way. Have you told you husband that his inability to fix things has caused you to build resentment towards him because you feel like you are always covering for his shortcomings in this area? Also have you told him it effects your sexual attraction to him? If not you should. Be transparent when it comes to feelings and never allow for scenarios where resentment can grow. Just my 2 cents


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## sandcastle

GatorXP said:


> It doesn't seem like he has an aversion to work from what you have said.
> It could be he has reached his limit with his demanding job and the other things he already does. This is very understandable and he may not even realize it himself.
> 
> If being handy truly is a trait you need in your husband. Instead of harboring resentment and eroding the very foundation of your relationship, your going to need to force the issue and find out what's really going on and how a mutually agreed solution can be reached.
> 
> 
> They both work 40 hours per week and SHE is in grad school trying to get her masters yet he has " the demanding job" and " reached his limits" to the point he can't get the flat head out of the toolbox to tighten a screw?
> 
> Yikes .
> 
> I think they should sell the house and go back to renting cause this man likes landlords who fix stuff, leaving him time to pursue his record hobby and not muck up his baseball and Netflix time.
> 
> Priorities!
> 
> 
> I screwed up the quote function.
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## KCarlisle

sandcastle said:


> Why can't YOU call "a professional"?
> 
> Or would he squeal like a stuck pig about you doing that?


I do call whenever i can but as i said in a previous post in here, i work the nightshift so my schedule isn't always conducive for doing this. i would appreciate my husband's help in this but it's like pulling teeth.


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## GatorXP

Yes his limit. People have different limits, and that's ok.

Hrs vs Hrs is not a proper comparison. Tasks that required heavy cognitive function can be much more draining than physical exertion. We don't have enough info to even begin to judge this situation. Nor should we attempt to.

If he has drawn a mental line in the sand for his own sanity, then more power to him. Hold the line I say. That doesn't mean adjustment to what's behind that line can't be made.

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## sandcastle

He does not even notice so he is not going to call. 

Your night shift hours are no excuse for you not calling a plumber/ electrician/ Appliance repair person.

Actually easier to make sure you are there to greet the repair person . Right? 

Either call and pay to get it fixed or wait 20 years to tighten a screw.

Up to you!


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## Satya

KCarlisle said:


> just to be clear I'm not asking my husband to do anything super advanced. for major plumbing, electrical, roofing etc things I'd hire a professional. I'm talking about very basic things. for example, we have a coatrack near the front door that was very wobbly for a long time. he ignored it for months. i finally got sick of it and tightened the screw myself. is it really too much to ask for him to do something like that? does that really require the hiring of a handyman?


I know how you feel. My ex H was like this. And it never improved. I ended up doing absolutely everything myself or hiring help. He was helpful in other ways to the relationship. My current husband is the exact opposite about diy. He WANTS to fix everything himself and only hires help when he really can't do it himself.

So, you need to make a decision. You need to decide for yourself whether you can endure long term with a man who dies not fix things, even small things. You can have a come to Jesus talk with him to lay it out for him clearly (if you haven't already), but this may just be the way he is and will always be.


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## toblerone

Maybe the coat rack didn't bother him as much as it bothers you.


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## SunCMars

Yes, I do everything. 
Carpentry, electrical , plumbing, machine work, welding, etc. Can build anything, fine work to demolition to concrete.

When young, in a very old house, it consumed my time. Ate it all up.
My wife was delighted.
Anytime I was home and not 'gone' she was happy.
Her love factor is Service...me doing things for her and in/around the house. The house is HER castle.

Most schools today do not teach our young people trade work.
We called it 'Shop Class' back in the day.

Now, it is vocational training, or something?

The better schools turn their noses up on this education.
It is college prep.....and nothing more.

What a shame.


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## SunCMars

Be grateful you have a loving man.
One who is faithful and attentive.

If he can wipe your tears and your butt, do an OK job in bed, that should be good enough.

But, alas. Enough is a moving target for some.


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## TJW

KCarlisle said:


> i don't understand his aversion to trying to fix anything around the house.
> can any men here give me some insight as to why he may be this way?


I think I can. I think, given the dynamics you describe, I would also be averse.... I'll tell you my reason, maybe something "rings a bell".



KCarlisle said:


> at this point i don't care if he fails at whatever he tries


Maybe not, at this point. But you once did. And, even if you don't, *he does*. And, he knows that you place great importance on this.

I am pretty "handy". My father was, too, and he taught me. I can do anything this house needs except I'm somewhat "messy" at painting. I've completely remodeled one "handyman special" house and put an addition on another. Plumbing and electrical work too. Really not a problem for me.

But I now have a very critical wife who is never satisfied with anything. It doesn't matter who does it. She is just as dissatisfied with professional work as she is with mine.

Therefore, I have completely "plugged-out" when it comes to home repairs or remodeling. Call somebody else, I'm not touching it. I just paid 175 bucks for a plumber to put in a sink vent which is 5-6 bucks at Home Depot. 

If do it, I fail. If I don't do it, somebody else fails.


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## marriageontherocks2

KCarlisle said:


> Quite frankly, this is making me less sexually attracted to him. It's kind of a turn-off when your husband doesn't know what an allen wrench is and doesn't care to learn. it's not exactly arousing tightening a screw while your husband sits on the couch looking completely helpless. there's nothing that dries me up more than discovering something that your husband broke and left you to fix because he just couldn't be bothered to do even a modicum of research on it.


I'm really handy. I have two homes both over 100 years old so I have no choice. I never realized how important being handy is to maintaining interest from your wife until I heard all my wife's friends complain about how unhandy their husbands are. Anytime I do a major repair my wife can't keep her hands off me. I think this is pretty common.


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## GatorXP

marriageontherocks2 said:


> I'm really handy. I have two homes both over 100 years old so I have no choice. I never realized how important being handy is to maintaining interest from your wife until I heard all my wife's friends complain about how unhandy their husbands are. Anytime I do a major repair my wife can't keep her hands off me. I think this is pretty common.


Who knew Shop Class was the remedy for marriage sexual problems!? 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## sandcastle

SunCMars said:


> Yes, I do everything.
> Carpentry, electrical , plumbing, machine work, welding, etc. Can build anything, fine work to demolition to concrete.
> 
> When young, in a very old house, it consumed my time. Ate it all up.
> My wife was delighted.
> Anytime I was home and not 'gone' she was happy.
> Her love factor is Service...me doing things for her and in/around the house. The house is HER castle.
> 
> Most schools today do not teach our young people trade work.
> We called it 'Shop Class' back in the day.
> 
> .


And back in the day- girls took Home Econ and the Boys took shop.

But EVERYONE KNEW how to tighten a screw by basically being a human being. Unless they were raised as some sort of bubble experiment. The guy knows how to turn on the TV and work 40 hours per week AND arrange menus that he whips up.

He know how to turn a Screw.

HE is HER Nemesis.


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## Loveless17

I think the writer of this post just needed to vent about how she feels. I agree that hiring someone is a viable option but wouldn't help her feel like he is doing enough around the house. I'm married to Mr. Fix-It and that isn't the answer to all of life's problems. He gets tons of compliments about how he has remodeled our home and how he helps others with their home projects but we have many issues that challenge our marriage in other ways. I'd like if he was a business executive but he's not and life goes on.


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## tropicalbeachiwish

It's obvious that you're building on the resentment because of this, so it's important to you. I can get that perhaps you're losing attraction to him because of this. I think it's hot for guys to be handy! 

My H wasn't handy at all when we first met. I'm not handy either so. . . . . but I did try at things. And eventually, he did too. I've looked up utube videos and have done things from that. I love to paint and I think I do pretty good at it since I've had lots of practice! My H has also gotten better over the years. He's a lot more handy than I am at this point and he's proud of that. I'm proud of him. He grew up with a father that was not handy whatsoever and had no interest in becoming handy. The FIL is a smart guy too, but I think it's laziness in his case. Plus he knows that his wife will do it (hmm. . . . something to think about). His mother was handy though but yet she just did everything and never taught any of them how to do anything. 

Your H doesn't sound lazy so I don't think that's part of the problem. He has strengths and weaknesses, just like everyone else. This is a weakness for him or it's "an area of opportunity"! I'm not sure what you can do to spark his interest in learning to become handy. Maybe start with having him help you with stuff so he can share in the pride of completing something? You'll have to directly ask him to help you. So you have another piece of furniture to put together. Directly say "Can you help me put this together? I need your help with the directions and figuring it out." Make sure you're not bossy about it or a know-it-all otherwise, he'll never help again. You may never get him to be handy on his own. He may always be the one that's handing you tools or holding the flashlight for you.


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## fotf17

@KCarlisle, I don't have much to contribute to this post, other than to say some guys are simply just not wired that way. Like my father in law - he's a white collar guy, and pays to have things done. That's simply just who he is. I have another friend who is afraid to paint. To paint. "Doesn't know how to do it," he told me. I was flabbergasted. I grew up with a super handy dad, and kick myself now that I didn't absorb more of what he taught me. I never considered myself handy, but I've come to love doing these things, both for the personal satisfaction and the money saved. Most people/friends now would consider me to be relatively handy (though I'm absolutely still an amateur).

For you? I'd be proud of what you accomplished. Own it. You're teaching yourself and learning new skills. Never stop learning. For your husband? Let him make up for it in other ways - there are plenty of other household duties and chores to tend to.


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## msrv23

How did you communicate with him on this issue? Have you told him that this matter is really important to you?
Do you feel upset because you feel he is just not putting enough effort? That he could do it if he does put effort, and not because he is not good at this? But what if he really is not good at this?
If you become fully responsible with this area of house chore, is he taking care of a fair part of other house chores?

Sometimes as strange as it seems our partner might really not be able to do what we perceive as simple tasks. For example my husband really is bad at putting the clothes where they belong after drying, and I would find socks in the most unprobable places. I on the other hand can’t fix things and he handles these. There are also other things. For example, he can’t keep a mental list of what we need to buy at supermarket. He might even go there a few times within hours just to get what he noticed he needed in the moment! I can never really count on him on certain management at home. But then he takes other responsibilities like our bank account and bills.

Sometimes it’s really about working as a team and delegate tasks. We can each go youtube for tutorials but perhps it doesn’t really matter to us and we can delegate tasks. It’s just how each of us is wired.

But if this really matters to you then talk to him more times and insist in finding a common ground. Telling him that his efforts means a lot to you and makes you feel loved.


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## Rowan

OP, you mentioned that his father was not around a lot when he was growing up. My guess is that his mother was, therefore, in charge of all things home. It may simply be that deep down he believes that doing whatever needs doing around the house is the woman's (mother's/wife's) responsibility. He may be happy to "help you out" by cooking, mowing, whatever other house chores he's doing. But he may honestly feel that he is _helping you_, with things that are actually _your job_. And if he's already doing part of _your job _by sharing the load of _your_ house chores, he may actually resent being asked to do more of _your jobs_ by addressing DIY things.

If that's what's going on, you may need to get him into MC to figure out a dynamic that's going to work for both of you.


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## cma62

You have only been married for a year and already experiencing a “power struggle “ over home repairs.
Your H seems to contribute in other areas so it’s not like you are doing everything yourself.....he just has no knowledge and no inclination to learn the ins and outs of basic repairs.

If you are getting tired of doing everything yourself pay somebody to do them or better still....sign up for a DIY session at your local Home Depot and learn together....you will be spending time together and learning some useful skills.
If your H is not on board with the DIY...pay somebody or take care of it yourself...since you are able.

Believe me ....there will be bigger fish to fry throughout the course of your marriage......don’t dig your heels in on this one.....it’s a cincher.


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## GuyInColorado

I'm impressed she is changing out toilets, outlets, etc. I honestly can't tell you one woman in my life that would change out a toilet on her own. 

Does your husband take care of your needs sexually? Is he in good shape? Now that you see he has no interest in fixing things, are you noticing his other flaws? Sounds like he's floating through life. Give him a reality check.


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## uhtred

I was raised by my mother - my father provided financial support but did everything he could to avoid every being at home. So as kid I never learned how to fix things. Combine that with my natural lack of dexterity and my lack of patience and I don't fix things around the house. I *do* do at least my share of chores. 

OP - if your husband shared evenly in chores would that be OK, or is it something specific about being able to fix things around the house that is important to you?

Fixing things is a traditionally "male" role. Do you do traditionally female things like mending clothes, ironing etc? 

Its possible that he has a less traditional view of gender roles in marriage than you do. 


IMHO it IS important that he pull his weight at home and do a fair share of the chores. To me though, I don't see the importance of which particular chores he does.


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## GatorXP

GuyInColorado said:


> I'm impressed she is changing out toilets, outlets, etc. I honestly can't tell you one woman in my life that would change out a toilet on her own.
> 
> Does your husband take care of your needs sexually? Is he in good shape? Now that you see he has no interest in fixing things, are you noticing his other flaws? Sounds like he's floating through life. Give him a reality check.


Floating thru life? I heard a demanding career as well as cooking and mowing. I'd bet money he does other things as well.
Why don't we just grab some pitch forks and torches?

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## Ghost Rider

KCarlisle said:


> Let me start off first by saying that I'm so happy I found this place as I have no one I can talk to about these things IRL.
> 
> I've been with my husband for a total of a little over 5 years and we've been married for 1. I'm finding myself getting more and more frustrated with him and his lack of help around the house with minor repairs.
> 
> We've finally bought our first home earlier this year after renting for 3 years. Since we were renting all we had to do was call the landlord up anytime we needed something repaired. Now that we don't have that luxury anymore, I'm basically just now finding out how totally inept my husband is at fixing anything around the house. As with many homes, ours needed and needs some repairs and upgrades. Since we've moved in I've installed all the blinds, curtains, and shelving; fixed the dishwasher; put the furniture together; regrouted the tile in the entryway; replaced a toilet; fixed the garbage disposal; replaced the tank to bowl gasket on another toilet; replaced any outlets that didn't work; fixed the refrigerator water filter compartment (that he broke); mounted all the TVs and more. Not only does it fill me with a sense of pride and accomplishment doing these things, it saves us a ton of money too since we don't have to always hire a professional.
> 
> Any time I've asked him for help with any of these things he always has the same answer: "I don't know how". When I tell him that I'll show him he makes up some excuse as to why he can't let me show him right then. Whenever anything involves using any sort of tool or manual he completely shuts down. I'm getting sick and tired of this and am losing my patience. he's a very smart and capable guy. he has a difficult job that he excels at. i don't understand his aversion to trying to fix anything around the house. whenever I don't know how to tackle something, i look it up and/or ask my dad (who's very handy) for advice. Sometimes what needs to be done is way beyond my skill level but at least I look into it and try to find a professional to help. He won't even do that.
> 
> for example, we have a bifold door that covers our kitchen pantry. It wasn't opening or closing smoothly and needed some adjusting. last weekend I asked my husband if he could try to fix it since I was busy doing something else. What does he do? he walks over to it, looks at it for a few seconds, jiggles it around a little bit, gives up and goes back to watching tv. I looked up a youtube video and was able to fix it in less than 5 minutes. why couldn't he do that? it was a very simple fix.
> 
> whenever i've attempted to talk to him about this he always says the same thing: that his father wasn't around growing up so he never learned how to do these things. even though that may be true, i'm sorry, it's not a good enough excuse for me. he could still at least try. in this day and age we have instant access to an infinite amount of information. he also has access to the same internet and resources i do. at this point i don't care if he fails at whatever he tries, as long as he put in some effort instead of sitting around leaving me to figure everything out.
> 
> Quite frankly, this is making me less sexually attracted to him. It's kind of a turn-off when your husband doesn't know what an allen wrench is and doesn't care to learn. it's not exactly arousing tightening a screw while your husband sits on the couch looking completely helpless. there's nothing that dries me up more than discovering something that your husband broke and left you to fix because he just couldn't be bothered to do even a modicum of research on it.
> 
> he's not totally useless. he does cook and take care of the lawn at least. i just wish he would take more initiative with other things as well. I work full-time and am also in grad school. I already do most of the housework. I don't have the time or energy to tackle every single repair with the house too. Sometimes I get so frustrated with him I just want to scream and bang my head against the dining room table (that i put together with no help from him whatsoever).
> 
> I don't know what the solution is or if there even is one. can any men here give me some insight as to why he may be this way? any other ladies here dealing with the same issues? Anyway, thanks for listening. i know this was long.


Some guys are just not that good at this sort of thing, myself included. Part of it is probably how he was raised. In my case, my dad didn't know how to do jack around the house, so I never learned, either.

If you are good at doing these things yourself, then I don't understand why it has to be such a big issue. Let some things go for a while if you're short on time or energy. Very few things have to be taken care of immediately. I would strongly advise you against sabotaging your marriage over this. It is trivial at the absolute worst.

Or, if it's such a deal breaker for you, perhaps you should have taken the time to get to know this about him before living with him and marrying him.


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## thefam

OP he's simply not interested. My husband is the opposite of yours. He can fix and actually build stuff but he cannot cook at all. Cooking once in awhile would really help me out but he doesn't seem that interested in learning. I started trying to teach him for his own good because he gets temporary assignments away from home. But he's just not interested so I have let it go. It seems like your husband has other good qualities but I guess the missing quality is one that makes him less attractive to you. 

I hope you can read some of these threads on here and see how awful some partners are to each other. You may get a new appreciation for your hubby. I know that a bad relationship should not be the standard with which to judge but sometimes it can be a wake-up call for greater appreciation for what you do have. And oh by the way you will hear and read a lot on here to dump a current partner and find someone who will treat you better blah blah blah. But you will also hear a lot of people on their second and third relationship and hanging on because they're just tired of relationships not working out. Sometimes it's better to just try to work through what you already have.


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## john117

Schools do teach stuff like this. DD1 took a year long PLTW class where they built a house indoors from scratch. 1500 sq ft ranch with all foundation, framing, electrical, plumbing, HVAC... 

If you think dating is terrifying to a dad imagine her up on a ladder framing .


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## leon2100

so the only problem with your marriage is he's not a "handy man?" Check the local papers. There are ton of handmen who can fix the problem. my wife & I have a couple that we keep handy. More time for sex!


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## GeorgiaPeach915

I just recently started reading a book called Radical Acceptance. It talks about how when you fully accept your spouse for who they are, your marriage will be transformed. If not being handy is the worst of his issues, you are a very lucky woman. Be thankful.

PS-My husband isn't handy either, and I would never ever criticize him for it. I would never want him to feel like less of a man because of it. We all have our strengths and interests. Stop forcing your husband to be a certain way.


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## Mr. Nail

At least this thread has given me validation. I may be well under average height, but I can set a toilet and replace an outlet. I even know which one to buy and why. Now If I could just administer a hospital and bring home a nice salary. (sigh)


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## kag123

I agree with those who say you are probably just going to have to accept it. 

What about going back to renting again? That would give you the ability to call someone to come in and fix things, which would eliminate this issue in your marriage? 

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl

Satya said:


> {tj}
> 
> Two words:
> 
> Plumber's bum. {/tj}


Clearly you have not seen the plumbers that have been coming to my home. What cuties! >


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## chillymorn69

The term is plumbers crack.

I don't know should I put a quarter in there?


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## EleGirl

KCarlisle said:


> Sure. He's 35 and I'm 31. We have no children and don't plan on having any. we both work full-time (40 hours) outside the home. He works days and I work a night job and am also working on earning a masters degree. he does do most of the cooking and meal planning although i do the grocery shopping. we take turn feeding the pets. he washes the dishes a few times a week and mows the lawn but besides that, i do pretty much everything else.


It's not clear from what you say above if you are spending more time doing things around the house and yard than your husband is.

He cuts the lawn. Do you have trees and plants? Who is going to trim them, fertilize them, etc.? Who rakes up leaves? Are you?

about how many hours a week are you spending on house work? How much on yard work? How much on home repairs and doing things like hanging drapes?

It seems that then your husband cares about something, he does the research necessary, figures it out and does it. 

All those things that you do around the house, he does not care about. Plus he has you to do them so why should be bother.... that's how his mind works. If he cared about the house, he'd do things like fix doors that did not close correctly.

First off you need to accept that fact that this is who he is. This is how you married. Then you need a strategy to deal with it that keeps you from being resentful because you are spending more time and effort than he is. IT's ok if he never wants to lift a finger to make sure that repairs are done, pictures are hung, etc. But he needs to contribute to the maintenance of your home and that might mean that he needs to pay someone to do things.

For example, look at your yard and come up with the list of things that need to be done on a regular basis, annually, by season, monthly, weekly. Make a schedule. Then tell him that you TWO need to hire someone to do that work. If he objects to spending that money then tell him that you are willing to do it only if he works side by side with you doing it. Of course he gets credit for the time he spends cutting grass. 

Could you answer my questions about the amount of time each of you spend at the household/yard chores. Include who pays the bills, does the taxes, etc.


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## chillymorn69

You resentment on this issue is really the problem.

If its a deal breaker then break the deal. 

How important is it?

Must be pretty important if your losing interest in him sexually. Thats a slippery slope.

It would be equal to if a husband said my wife can't cook .my mother cooks great why can't she learn how to cook better. Its getting to the point that I'm losing interest in her sexually because she dosen't put effort into being a better cook for me I mean really she has tme to collect barbie dolls why can't learn how to cook better. 


Resentment kills marriages! Acceptance builds marriages !

And also helps them grow! Catch more flies with honey than vinergar. Maybe ask him to call about a repair that you already researched . Company name and number task that needs repaired and politly say hey love could you arrange for these guys to come fix this I'm having trouble because I work nights and there closed It would really make me happy and feel like you care about pitching in on some of the repairs .


And don't pop a gasket when (if) it takes a couple reminders. Theres a learning curve to taking on new tasks.

And when he does it thanks and praise him for stepping up.

Good luck


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## KCarlisle

I've directly asked him for help many times. For example, I asked if he would help me put the dining room table together. He attached one leg, decided it was boring and went off and did something else. When all was done he was the one who criticized me because one of the chairs was a little wobbly.

honestly, my frustration is with the lack of effort. I hope I'm not coming off as someone who harps at and criticizes him and expects perfection. I'm totally not like that. I honestly would rather him try and fail than to not try at all. I'm not great at cooking nor do I particularly like doing it but I at least try to help him with it. I feel like having to hire someone for help with every task would be like me telling him to hire a chef or get takeout every time he needs a little help in the kitchen chopping vegetables.

But like a lot of people have said, this is just the way he is and i'll have to learn to accept it. he does have other redeeming qualities (which is why i married him).


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## EleGirl

KCarlisle said:


> I've directly asked him for help many times. For example, I asked if he would help me put the dining room table together. He attached one leg, decided it was boring and went off and did something else. When all was done he was the one who criticized me because one of the chairs was a little wobbly.
> 
> honestly, my frustration is with the lack of effort. I hope I'm not coming off as someone who harps at and criticizes him and expects perfection. I'm totally not like that. I honestly would rather him try and fail than to not try at all. I'm not great at cooking nor do I particularly like doing it but I at least try to help him with it. I feel like having to hire someone for help with every task would be like me telling him to hire a chef or get takeout every time he needs a little help in the kitchen chopping vegetables.
> 
> But like a lot of people have said, this is just the way he is and i'll have to learn to accept it. he does have other redeeming qualities (which is why i married him).


The reason I'm asking you questions is to get to the root of this. 

To me, it sounds like the issue is not that he cannot do things. It's that he just does not care to do them. 

I'd be pretty pissed off is I got no help putting together the dinning room table and chairs. Have you asked him outright why he did not help you with that?

Was he involved in picking out and buying the table? Or did you buy it and leave him out of the decision? Does he not want a dinning room table and chairs?


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## EleGirl

It's easy to just say that your resentment is the issue. 

but I see a real issue with him refusing to help with things like putting together the dinning room table and chairs. I see that as him having an issue.

Often times, when people start a thread on TAM, their first post does not correctly express the issue they have. Instead the real issue comes out after some discussion here.

Is your issue/frustration really that he is not a handy man type?

Or is your issue/frustration what appears to be his lack of effort?

If it's his lack of effort, no you don't need to accept that. You need to find a way to change the way you do things so that you are not stuck with having to do all the work in your home.


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## KCarlisle

EleGirl said:


> It's not clear from what you say above if you are spending more time doing things around the house and yard than your husband is.
> 
> He cuts the lawn. Do you have trees and plants? Who is going to trim them, fertilize them, etc.? Who rakes up leaves? Are you?
> 
> about how many hours a week are you spending on house work? How much on yard work? How much on home repairs and doing things like hanging drapes?
> 
> It seems that then your husband cares about something, he does the research necessary, figures it out and does it.
> 
> All those things that you do around the house, he does not care about. Plus he has you to do them so why should be bother.... that's how his mind works. If he cared about the house, he'd do things like fix doors that did not close correctly.
> 
> First off you need to accept that fact that this is who he is. This is how you married. Then you need a strategy to deal with it that keeps you from being resentful because you are spending more time and effort than he is. IT's ok if he never wants to lift a finger to make sure that repairs are done, pictures are hung, etc. But he needs to contribute to the maintenance of your home and that might mean that he needs to pay someone to do things.
> 
> For example, look at your yard and come up with the list of things that need to be done on a regular basis, annually, by season, monthly, weekly. Make a schedule. Then tell him that you TWO need to hire someone to do that work. If he objects to spending that money then tell him that you are willing to do it only if he works side by side with you doing it. Of course he gets credit for the time he spends cutting grass.
> 
> Could you answer my questions about the amount of time each of you spend at the household/yard chores. Include who pays the bills, does the taxes, etc.


He cuts and edges the lawn and trims the bushes. I do the raking. he does this on average once per week. He cooks dinner maybe 4 times per week on average. Does the dishes about twice per week.

I handle all the finances, clean the bathrooms, dust, keep the living room clean, vacuum, mop, keep the kitchen clean, iron his clothes (he washes and dries them himself though), keep track of all vet appointments, grocery shop, etc and i handle all the house repairs whether that's doing it myself or calling someone. 

i would say he spends an average of 6-8 hours per week doing the things he does. i feel like i spend double that amount of time but it's hard to say. 

we have a joint savings account we both contribute to to pay for things like repairs. he doesn't object to it but i can't fathom spending hundreds of dollars on something minor that we could do for less than $20 and some elbow grease. i'd rather save that money for big things like a new roof or if a pipe bursts. but if that's what we have to then that's what we may have to do.


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## KCarlisle

EleGirl said:


> It's easy to just say that your resentment is the issue.
> 
> but I see a real issue with him refusing to help with things like putting together the dinning room table and chairs. I see that as him having an issue.
> 
> Often times, when people start a thread on TAM, their first post does not correctly express the issue they have. Instead the real issue comes out after some discussion here.
> 
> Is your issue/frustration really that he is not a handy man type?
> 
> Or is your issue/frustration what appears to be his lack of effort?
> 
> If it's his lack of effort, no you don't need to accept that. You need to find a way to change the way you do things so that you are not stuck with having to do all the work in your home.


he picked out and ordered the table, i put it together. he started out helping me but quit. he honestly just did not want to do it. there's no other reason.

yes i think it's his lack of effort that's frustrating me. with all the things i have on my plate with little help from him i sometimes feel as if i'm single.


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## EleGirl

Ok so you put in about twice the effort that he does around the house. He's only going to do that things that interest him. So stop doing some of the things you do. For example stop ironing his clothing. Why are you doing that when he is completely capable of that?

See this is pretty typical of some women, they just take over and do almost everything (you are doing twice as much as he is). And then they get resentful of their husband. So just stop doing so much. You are responsible for managing your own resentment. And you do it by stopping your habit of just doing everything.

Let him do his own ironing. What else do you do for him that he could do for himself?

One of the dynamics that happens in a situation like yours is that the wife ends up being the 'mother' of her husband. She's going most of the housework. He's spending most of his free time relaxing, doing his thing. And before long she's the resentful mother of her husband. Don't let yourself go there.

What are things besides, his own the ironing, that he can do?


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## sokillme

KCarlisle said:


> Let me start off first by saying that I'm so happy I found this place as I have no one I can talk to about these things IRL.
> 
> I've been with my husband for a total of a little over 5 years and we've been married for 1. I'm finding myself getting more and more frustrated with him and his lack of help around the house with minor repairs.
> 
> We've finally bought our first home earlier this year after renting for 3 years. Since we were renting all we had to do was call the landlord up anytime we needed something repaired. Now that we don't have that luxury anymore, I'm basically just now finding out how totally inept my husband is at fixing anything around the house. As with many homes, ours needed and needs some repairs and upgrades. Since we've moved in I've installed all the blinds, curtains, and shelving; fixed the dishwasher; put the furniture together; regrouted the tile in the entryway; replaced a toilet; fixed the garbage disposal; replaced the tank to bowl gasket on another toilet; replaced any outlets that didn't work; fixed the refrigerator water filter compartment (that he broke); mounted all the TVs and more. Not only does it fill me with a sense of pride and accomplishment doing these things, it saves us a ton of money too since we don't have to always hire a professional.
> 
> Any time I've asked him for help with any of these things he always has the same answer: "I don't know how". When I tell him that I'll show him he makes up some excuse as to why he can't let me show him right then. Whenever anything involves using any sort of tool or manual he completely shuts down. I'm getting sick and tired of this and am losing my patience. he's a very smart and capable guy. he has a difficult job that he excels at. i don't understand his aversion to trying to fix anything around the house. whenever I don't know how to tackle something, i look it up and/or ask my dad (who's very handy) for advice. Sometimes what needs to be done is way beyond my skill level but at least I look into it and try to find a professional to help. He won't even do that.
> 
> for example, we have a bifold door that covers our kitchen pantry. It wasn't opening or closing smoothly and needed some adjusting. last weekend I asked my husband if he could try to fix it since I was busy doing something else. What does he do? he walks over to it, looks at it for a few seconds, jiggles it around a little bit, gives up and goes back to watching tv. I looked up a youtube video and was able to fix it in less than 5 minutes. why couldn't he do that? it was a very simple fix.
> 
> whenever i've attempted to talk to him about this he always says the same thing: that his father wasn't around growing up so he never learned how to do these things. even though that may be true, i'm sorry, it's not a good enough excuse for me. he could still at least try. in this day and age we have instant access to an infinite amount of information. he also has access to the same internet and resources i do. at this point i don't care if he fails at whatever he tries, as long as he put in some effort instead of sitting around leaving me to figure everything out.
> 
> Quite frankly, this is making me less sexually attracted to him. It's kind of a turn-off when your husband doesn't know what an allen wrench is and doesn't care to learn. it's not exactly arousing tightening a screw while your husband sits on the couch looking completely helpless. there's nothing that dries me up more than discovering something that your husband broke and left you to fix because he just couldn't be bothered to do even a modicum of research on it.
> 
> he's not totally useless. he does cook and take care of the lawn at least. i just wish he would take more initiative with other things as well. I work full-time and am also in grad school. I already do most of the housework. I don't have the time or energy to tackle every single repair with the house too. Sometimes I get so frustrated with him I just want to scream and bang my head against the dining room table (that i put together with no help from him whatsoever).
> 
> I don't know what the solution is or if there even is one. can any men here give me some insight as to why he may be this way? any other ladies here dealing with the same issues? Anyway, thanks for listening. i know this was long.


Really? REALLY? Do you cook? It's the same exact thing. Sorry but really?

If you problem is he doesn't put the work in you do that is one thing, if your problem is he isn't good with tools, that's just silly.


----------



## uhtred

This is a somewhat separate issue, but to me the point of money is to make life easy. 

Service people charge less than I earn per hour, and I prefer my job to fixing stuff, so I'm happy to pay other people to fix stuff for me. Seems like everyone wins - they get paid, I spend my time doing things I prefer to do, the work gets done professionally. 

Of course whether this makes sense depends on your income relative to the cost of hiring repair guys in your area.


The other part about his not putting in his fair share of work IS a big deal. I think that is where you should concentrate. The issue isn't specifically that he doesn't repair things, but that he isn't doing his fair share of chores. 



KCarlisle said:


> snip
> we have a joint savings account we both contribute to to pay for things like repairs. he doesn't object to it but i can't fathom spending hundreds of dollars on something minor that we could do for less than $20 and some elbow grease. i'd rather save that money for big things like a new roof or if a pipe bursts. but if that's what we have to then that's what we may have to do.


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## john117

KCarlisle said:


> he picked out and ordered the table, i put it together. he started out helping me but quit. he honestly just did not want to do it. there's no other reason.
> 
> yes i think it's his lack of effort that's frustrating me. with all the things i have on my plate with little help from him i sometimes feel as if i'm single.


The Passive Aggressive Brigade to the rescue.

For every thing within his abilities that he does not do, you reciprocate. 

And tell him with a smile. This is not rocket science. 

Perhaps a task list comes to mind. I'm afraid this isn't a "busy with my Star Wars memorabilia" time.


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## EleGirl

KCarlisle said:


> he picked out and ordered the table, i put it together. he started out helping me but quit. he honestly just did not want to do it. there's no other reason.
> 
> yes i think it's his lack of effort that's frustrating me. with all the things i have on my plate with little help from him i sometimes feel as if i'm single.


Yep, this makes a lot more sense.


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## KCarlisle

i feel like he could do all the things i do, he just doesn't care to do it. i feel like if i don't do it, it'll never get done. just like with the coat rack, he knew it was wobbly, acknowledged how annoying it was and that it needed to be tightened, then did nothing about it. i feel like it's getting to the point where i feel like his mother, hence the lack of sexual attraction.


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## sokillme

KCarlisle said:


> i feel like he could do all the things i do, he just doesn't care to do it. i feel like if i don't do it, it'll never get done. just like with the coat rack, he knew it was wobbly, acknowledged how annoying it was and that it needed to be tightened, then did nothing about it. i feel like it's getting to the point where i feel like his mother, hence the lack of sexual attraction.


Tell him that.


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## EleGirl

KCarlisle said:


> i feel like he could do all the things i do, he just doesn't care to do it. i feel like if i don't do it, it'll never get done. just like with the coat rack, he knew it was wobbly, acknowledged how annoying it was and that it needed to be tightened, then did nothing about it. i feel like it's getting to the point where i feel like his mother, hence the lack of sexual attraction.


We are getting somewhere now.

So how are you going to change this? How are you going to change things so that you no longer feel like this mother?


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## Mario Kempes

Has he possibly got ASD.....?


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## KCarlisle

EleGirl said:


> We are getting somewhere now.
> 
> So how are you going to change this? How are you going to change things so that you no longer feel like this mother?


not sure. i guess i'll have to just talk to him i guess.


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## EleGirl

KCarlisle said:


> not sure. i guess i'll have to just talk to him i guess.


When I was first married to my son's father, I talked to him about coming up with a chore list and that we could swap it off say weekly or monthly. When he saw cleaning toilets on the list his response was "I DON'T CLEAN TOILETS." It was said in a very rude way. My reply was "I guess we need to hire someone because I don't clean toilets either." And I hired someone to do the housework. He complained that strangers were in our house cleaning.

Your husband stopped with the table assembly after putting on one leg. One leg. And you put the rest of it together. You have enabled him in this. You are equally responsible for doing that. 

Perhaps you could have just followed him and just one to watch TV with him. Told him that when he's ready to work with you to put the table together, you will do it. You need to change the way you react to him not doing these things. You need to stop enabling his behavior.

If you have a talk with him, what are you going to say? Could you write out what you think you would say? Maybe some of us here could help you come up with a good approach.


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## chillymorn69

You can talk all you want the vast majority of the time talks don't work.

Leave the table with one leg on it sit there until he finishes it. If he don't finish it in a reasonable amount of time throw it out the door with him close behind.

Or accept him and his ways .love his strong point and forgive his weak points.

If its a deal breaker then make it a deal breaker.


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## Betrayedone

KCarlisle said:


> Let me start off first by saying that I'm so happy I found this place as I have no one I can talk to about these things IRL.
> 
> I've been with my husband for a total of a little over 5 years and we've been married for 1. I'm finding myself getting more and more frustrated with him and his lack of help around the house with minor repairs.
> 
> We've finally bought our first home earlier this year after renting for 3 years. Since we were renting all we had to do was call the landlord up anytime we needed something repaired. Now that we don't have that luxury anymore, I'm basically just now finding out how totally inept my husband is at fixing anything around the house. As with many homes, ours needed and needs some repairs and upgrades. Since we've moved in I've installed all the blinds, curtains, and shelving; fixed the dishwasher; put the furniture together; regrouted the tile in the entryway; replaced a toilet; fixed the garbage disposal; replaced the tank to bowl gasket on another toilet; replaced any outlets that didn't work; fixed the refrigerator water filter compartment (that he broke); mounted all the TVs and more. Not only does it fill me with a sense of pride and accomplishment doing these things, it saves us a ton of money too since we don't have to always hire a professional.
> 
> Any time I've asked him for help with any of these things he always has the same answer: "I don't know how". When I tell him that I'll show him he makes up some excuse as to why he can't let me show him right then. Whenever anything involves using any sort of tool or manual he completely shuts down. I'm getting sick and tired of this and am losing my patience. he's a very smart and capable guy. he has a difficult job that he excels at. i don't understand his aversion to trying to fix anything around the house. whenever I don't know how to tackle something, i look it up and/or ask my dad (who's very handy) for advice. Sometimes what needs to be done is way beyond my skill level but at least I look into it and try to find a professional to help. He won't even do that.
> 
> for example, we have a bifold door that covers our kitchen pantry. It wasn't opening or closing smoothly and needed some adjusting. last weekend I asked my husband if he could try to fix it since I was busy doing something else. What does he do? he walks over to it, looks at it for a few seconds, jiggles it around a little bit, gives up and goes back to watching tv. I looked up a youtube video and was able to fix it in less than 5 minutes. why couldn't he do that? it was a very simple fix.
> 
> whenever i've attempted to talk to him about this he always says the same thing: that his father wasn't around growing up so he never learned how to do these things. even though that may be true, i'm sorry, it's not a good enough excuse for me. he could still at least try. in this day and age we have instant access to an infinite amount of information. he also has access to the same internet and resources i do. at this point i don't care if he fails at whatever he tries, as long as he put in some effort instead of sitting around leaving me to figure everything out.
> 
> Quite frankly, this is making me less sexually attracted to him. It's kind of a turn-off when your husband doesn't know what an allen wrench is and doesn't care to learn. it's not exactly arousing tightening a screw while your husband sits on the couch looking completely helpless. there's nothing that dries me up more than discovering something that your husband broke and left you to fix because he just couldn't be bothered to do even a modicum of research on it.
> 
> he's not totally useless. he does cook and take care of the lawn at least. i just wish he would take more initiative with other things as well. I work full-time and am also in grad school. I already do most of the housework. I don't have the time or energy to tackle every single repair with the house too. Sometimes I get so frustrated with him I just want to scream and bang my head against the dining room table (that i put together with no help from him whatsoever).
> 
> I don't know what the solution is or if there even is one. can any men here give me some insight as to why he may be this way? any other ladies here dealing with the same issues? Anyway, thanks for listening. i know this was long.


Neuter that SOB and put him out to pasture. Any man that cannot perform basic repairs is worthless UNLESS he is so filthy rich he can afford to pass it on. You want to rebuild your car engine?.....done......new toilet?....done........fix the roof?......done.......You name it, I can do it......Why? Because when I was younger I didn't have a spare nickel and I had to do stuff or I was toast.......He is lazy and unwilling to learn........You should have seen this during the dating period. As an example.......On our first date my GF's basement sump pump failed and her basement was beginning to flood and damage lots of stuff on the floor that was on the floor being sorted. I insisted we go to ACE hardware and get a new sump pump and install it immediately. We get to the store and she realizes she forgot her wallet.......Guess who pays for the pump? The white knight. She was mine from that moment. Some men are just inept. Why? They had inept role models as fathers. My dad worked 4 jobs all the while I was a kid. He could do ANYTHING and he passed those skills on to me. Over my life I have saved hundreds of thousands of dollars by doing stuff myself. It's not impossible for ANYONE with a pulse and a desire to learn to become competent. Your guy is just lazy and knows you will pick up the slack. Force his hand...........


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## Slartibartfast

It's really hard to say much with any confidence about a lot of things posted here. And a lot of detail can sort of get lost when the thread gets long. But I think the clues are here and there in these. 

He's not afflicted in some way that makes technical tasks impossible for him. He does complex tech things when he wants to / need to to play his records. And on one of the supposedly rare occasions when he was induced to help put something together, he got "bored" and wandered off. It's not a matter of not knowing how. A lot of this is just doing it - nothing much to know. And there's hardly anything that you can't see how to do in a few minutes on YouTube. So it's not for lack of instruction. It's just silly to imagine that it's just a poor father figure or something. 

And it's not a matter of enabling. Clearly, he's happy enough for something to not get done, so long as he doesn't have to do it when he doesn't find it specifically attractive. He's not going to do it - period - enabled or not. 

When I read a lot of this, an image pops into my head. It's an image of a petulant child who, like young children in general, has zero interest in anything that he doesn't actively want to do. (Can you hear that voice? "No." -why?- "don't want to." -do it- "No.") Same thing that makes parents amazed to hear how their kid was such a big help at the kid's friend's house when they were cleaning out the garage, but no wild horse has ever been born big enough to make him help out at home. It's juvenile. It's grossly self-centered. It shows a childish total lack of empathy. And it sounds just like our guy here. So, since you don't seem to be thrilled to be married to a man-child, you probably have to decide if you can accommodate the behavior, because in adults, it's called a personality disorder, and it's unlikely to change. It might, but it's real hard to grow a regard for others as an adult, when you can't muster it for your wife. 

And I don't think this kind of personality disorder is going to change just because you stop doing things yourself. He'll probably just get sullen when he thinks you're trying to make him do something he doesn't want to do. Ever seen how abominable a kid's room can get without him being moved to clean it when he just doesn't want to? It's also real hard to get this sort of person to seek therapy, because they really don't want to want to do the stuff you want them to do. Why should they try to make themselves do what they don't want to do? It's not bothering him. And it doesn't bother him that it bothers you. So, zero motivation. Can you live your life happily under these conditions? I think that's the only question that matters.


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## Adelais

There is no easy answer to "fix" your situation.

Your story sounds a lot like mine. My father knew how to fix everything. If he didn't know how to do it, he got a manual and tried to fix it anyway.

Like you, my interest is "STEM" types of things, so I don't mind trying new things, and researching how to do it if I don't know how. Small mechanical things are interesting to me, and if they are broken already, I know that I'm not going to break them any worse by trying to fix them before I either pay to have them fixed, or throw them out. Sometimes I can fix them, sometimes I can't, but I had a lot of fun taking them apart to see what was broken! I hope my children have seen me take enough things apart, not knowing what I am doing, enough to have the courage to try to fix things themselves when they grow up. My son has taught himself about cars, using manuals and old cars, even though neither nor my husband taught him about them.

My husband, like yours, was not raised by parents who fiddled with things. They paid others to repair things for them.

He is very capable in the kitchen, preferring to cook and do laundry, but he won't do toilets!:|

Mr. A tried to make a couple of simple things when we were first married, and they were both a disaster and fell apart within the year. He didn't know to use screws instead of nails. (I did, and I told him to use screws, which annoyed him and he told me to leave him and his project alone.)

After 24 years of marriage he eventually admitted to me that he had always been intimidated by repairs, whether structural or mechanical. 

Since he admitted his fear 3 years ago he has taken on several repairs, and has done a decent job on them. His successes have built his confidence to take on new projects. I have told him about YouTube, and he has researched how to fix things there, and then gone on to do them himself. I'm really proud of him for facing his fears/feelings of inadequacy head on and overcoming them.

Like someone else said here, no amount of my complaining changed him. In fact, he only felt attacked, which resulted in him having a bad attitude with a huge dose of stubbornness about fixing anything when I asked.

Only when he realized on his own that he was actually intimidated by his own lack of knowledge about repairs did he muster the courage to begin to tackle home repairs. He told me that some of his fear went away when he realized that if he fixed something wrong or poorly, he could turn around and hire someone to do it right. So far, everything he has fixed, he has done a good enough job to not have to hire anyone come behind him!

Could this be what is going on with your husband? Does he feel inadequate as a man, because he doesn't already know how to fix things, so he avoids them all together?


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## KCarlisle

i think it's a bit of both. a combination of his not wanting to and also being intimidated at the same time. he has told me once that he wished he were more handy. he says he sometimes feels inadequate around men like my dad who are but at the same time he has never shown any interest in actually learning. 

i don't know but i can see this becoming a deal breaker for me. honestly if i had known things would be like this beforehand i probably would not have married him or at least not buy property with him. before getting married we either lived apart or rented together so this issue never came up. my husband is a romantic. he loves planning date nights and likes to surprise me with flowers out of the blue on occasion. i don't want to sound ungrateful because i know there are people out there who have it way worse and i do appreciate it but, honestly, i'd rather him leave the flowers sometimes and pick up a hammer or phone and try to help improve our home in some way instead.


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## MEM2020

KC,

This is likely a combination of factors coming together. 
- His fear of looking clumsy/foolish in front of you
- His fear of trying and failing and feeling foolish independent of your reaction
- His lack of adventurousness (this really is a core trait)
- His being somewhat lazy 
- His being manipulative by not doing it - knowing you will

Your part in this is to emphasize that:
- Attitude is way more important to you than aptitude - meaning that if it takes him three times longer than it would take you but he gets it done - you will be glad not disappointed 
- You are making the written ‘to do’ list and he can either volunteer or be volun-told
- If he is a grumpy jerk about it he can practice being handy with his pecker

And your opening line might be: I feel taken advantage of and it’s really becoming a problem for me/and my desire level for you






KCarlisle said:


> i think it's a bit of both. a combination of his not wanting to and also being intimidated at the same time. he has told me once that he wished he were more handy. he says he sometimes feels inadequate around men like my dad who are but at the same time he has never shown any interest in actually learning.
> 
> i don't know but i can see this becoming a deal breaker for me. honestly if i had known things would be like this beforehand i probably would not have married him. before getting married we either lived apart or rented so this issue never came up. my husband is a romantic. he loves planning date nights and likes to surprise me with flowers out of the blue on occasion. i don't want to sound ungrateful because i know there are people out there who have it way worse but, honestly, i'd rather him leave the flowers sometimes and pick up a hammer or phone and try to help improve our home in some way instead.


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## mary35

KCarlisle said:


> i think it's a bit of both. a combination of his not wanting to and also being intimidated at the same time. he has told me once that he wished he were more handy. he says he sometimes feels inadequate around men like my dad who are but at the same time he has never shown any interest in actually learning.
> 
> i don't know but i can see this becoming a deal breaker for me. honestly if i had known things would be like this beforehand i probably would not have married him. before getting married we either lived apart or rented so this issue never came up. my husband is a romantic. he loves planning date nights and likes to surprise me with flowers out of the blue on occasion. i don't want to sound ungrateful because i know there are people out there who have it way worse but, honestly, i'd rather him leave the flowers sometimes and pick up a hammer or phone and try to help improve our home in some way instead.


First of all let me say that I get where you are coming from. My husband is/and always has been mechanically challenged. He is extremely bright in so many ways, but when it comes to using tools - he is inept. We have two jokes about this. Mine is that I married for love the first time, the next time I am marrying a handyman. His joke is that he has one tool in his tool box, a telephone which he uses to call me to tell me something needs to be fixed. I worked for a contractor for almost 20 years, that"s why he called me. Now I am retired, so I am out scouting for people I can trust to do the work right that we need done. He is still working and providing the money to pay for it - and also has set us up to be comfortable when he does retire. 

Like you, his lack of skills in this area have been a source of frustration for me. My father was handy and fixed everything. My father didn't always do it correctly though, but he always tried before calling someone else. One time my husband helped my father with a project shortly after we were married. My father joked with me later, when my husband was not around, that it was a good thing my husband had chosen a career that he would probably make lots of money at, because we were going to have to pay to have all repairs done. You see, my husband really is inept in this area. He literally has a brain disconnect with mechanical things. He had trouble as a child putting puzzles together, still does. He just cant see what fits where. But he is super gifted and intelligent in many other ways. We didn't have you tube back in those days and we had our children quickly and close together which kept me busy, so we did have to pay to have everything done - unless I could con a friend or family member into helping us out. In the early years, we didn't have the money, so it was hard - really hard sometimes, which added to my frustration. 

However, he had so many other redeeming qualities - that I never once considered this issue a deal breaker. Actually - we both were raised to believe there were very few deal breakers in a marriage. So we had to work through this issue and all others too, including ones he had with me. I was not perfect either. I am now! lol We were committed to our marriage and to working out our problems. We still are - and still have issues that arise that require work from both of us.

You have to decide what you can live with or not. But here are some observations and advice from someone who stuck it out for over 42 years. He stuck it out with me too. And we both are very happy we did - and are committed to continue to do so the rest of our life. 

Advice - YOU can only fix your part of any issue. 

You can communicate the issue and ask for him to make some changes - but you can"t make those changes and you can"t force him to make them. He has control of his parts of the marriage - the good and the bad. My experience in life has taught me that almost all issues that damage a marriage, both spouses play some part in letting them spiral out of control and do the damage. In other words, there are very few serious issues in a marriage that is caused by only one of the spouses. So even if your husband refuses to fix his part - you can still fix yours. Sometimes that alone will motivate them to fix their part. But if it doesn't then you also have the power within yourself to choose to let the issue go, find other solutions that will keep you from feeling resentment - and continue happily married, in spite of your husbands choice to not fix his end of that particular issue. If after trying really hard, you still find you can not tap into that power - then it probably means it is a deal breaker for you and you have the choice to end the marriage. But be careful about your deal breakers, especially early in the marriage. You may later look back and realize how unimportant that one thing was in the scheme of things - and realize you let a diamond in the rough slip through your fingers. 

Here is an observation for you to think about. Elle and others have tried to delve deeper into this issue with you and help you see the part you are playing in allowing this issue to hurt your marriage. They even gave you some solutions. It seemed like you didn't really want to go down that road. Your above post makes it sound like you just want your husband to fix himself and become the way that you want him to be. And it sounds like you are on the road to deciding that may well be a deal breaker for you if he can't or won't. Which is your decision and certainly is an option. I can't tell you what to do, but I will advise you once again to be careful with your deal breakers. At least try other things, try what Elle suggested, perhaps you may even need to try marital counseling first. I hope you will make going down the road of ending your marriage a last resort. It sounds like your husband has a lot of good qualities - and perhaps, just maybe, you are letting one fault blind you to all that is good. 

The grass is not always greener on the other side. You may find another husband down the road who is very handy - but does not have the other good qualities that your current husband does have. And you may realize the handy part did not outweigh the other things. Of course, you could also decide that it did. 

After 42 years, I can honestly say that although I joke about it, I would not trade my husband who is loyal, a hard worker, a good father, funny, kind, considerate, patient, loving, etc. for someone else who was handy at fixing things. Yes life would have been a little easier in some ways if my husband was also handy. But he is not, and building resentment over that issue just was/is not worth it, because there were/are other solutions for our repairs to be found. There are lots of people who do repairs, but I would be hard pressed to find a good man like my husband that I can be as happy with and in love with as I am now. Doesn't mean we don't have issues - of course we do and always will. That is what happens in marriage. But we are committed to our marriage and to working through the issues or learning to live happily in spite of them.


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## Satya

KCarlisle said:


> i think it's a bit of both. a combination of his not wanting to and also being intimidated at the same time. he has told me once that he wished he were more handy. he says he sometimes feels inadequate around men like my dad who are but at the same time he has never shown any interest in actually learning.
> 
> i don't know but i can see this becoming a deal breaker for me. honestly if i had known things would be like this beforehand i probably would not have married him or at least not buy property with him. before getting married we either lived apart or rented together so this issue never came up. my husband is a romantic. he loves planning date nights and likes to surprise me with flowers out of the blue on occasion. i don't want to sound ungrateful because i know there are people out there who have it way worse and i do appreciate it but, honestly, i'd rather him leave the flowers sometimes and pick up a hammer or phone and try to help improve our home in some way instead.


How long did you date? Did you live together before marriage? 
Sorry if that's been addressed already.


----------



## KCarlisle

Satya said:


> How long did you date? Did you live together before marriage?
> Sorry if that's been addressed already.


We dated for a year before moving into an apartment together, then into rental home a couple years later. we were together 4 years before he proposed and have been married for almost one year. we bought the house right around the time we married.


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## tom72

Do you think it could be a confidence thing?

I was never a handyman. I wasn't confident and lived in my own bubble in my relationship. I wouldn't do anything handy. I would delay simple stuff (putting a door up, fixing any minor things around the house). I would get ubpset that i wasn't able to achieve things and got lazy (sit on my computer and do sfa)

I barely knew how to use a drill, however it took something small for me to change. My brother in law built a pergola, where i helped him. I'm a smart person (not with emotions and relationships so much) and noticed it's really not that hard to do things. Ever since, i give everything a shot (except gas and major electrical work)

Do you have any relatives where they can build or do something that he could help with? Something that involves maths (sounds like your husband is a smart man) where it will grab his attention.

I don't mind cooking but i would rather not, however me helping do more manly stuff around the house got me out of cooking and made me feel more manly. My wife liked it too

I ended up getting back in my own shell (bad habits came back), neglected my relationship and things went south ever since.

Advice may or may not help you, but thought i would give you my expierence.

Sent from my SM-T805Y using Tapatalk


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## TJW

KCarlisle said:


> he wished he were more handy. he says he sometimes feels inadequate around men like my dad who are but at the same time he has never shown any interest in actually learning.


The word "wished" jumps off the page at me. A "wish" indicates a person's desire for something he doesn't believe is going to happen. When a person doesn't believe the result he seeks is achievable, he won't expend energy to try or learn.



KCarlisle said:


> i don't know but i can see this becoming a deal breaker for me.


Let me try this.

There are three basic needs of men and women. Love, security, and significance. Both men and women need love about equally. But, given the choice, women will sacrifice significance for security, and men will sacrifice security for significance.

It seems to me that a great deal of your security lies in having your husband be like your father. Let me assure you that this may never come to pass. God has gifted people in different ways. Some people can do some things well, other people can do other things well. But if he doesn't have the natural "knack" for this kind of work, he isn't going to acquire it. It comes to us at birth, the "genetic lottery".

And a man's primary source of significance is his wife. Your husband believes that he cannot achieve significance with you, because that significance can only be obtained by a field of work in which he's not gifted.



KCarlisle said:


> if i had known things would be like this beforehand i probably would not have married him


He knows that. And, knowing that is the prime reason he doesn't submit himself to the humiliation and embarrassment that failure brings him.

Honestly, it may be the best solution to let this be a deal-breaker. Both of you can then go forward to find mates in which your strengths deliver to the needs of your partner.



KCarlisle said:


> I honestly would rather him try and fail than to not try at all.


Yes. But your husband would much rather not try than be humiliated in front of you.


----------



## KCarlisle

TJW said:


> There are three basic needs of men and women. Love, security, and significance. Both men and women need love about equally. But, given the choice, women will sacrifice significance for security, and men will sacrifice security for significance.
> 
> *It seems to me that a great deal of your security lies in having your husband be like your father.*


i think you've hit that nail on the head. my father has always been the example of what a man and husband should be like (to me). my father, while far from being perfect, took pride in our home growing up and did all he could to make sure it and his family were taken care of. that's how he showed his love and continues to show his love. my husband does not do this which is why i don't feel secure in my marriage. i feel like this huge responsibility (in this case, the house) falls entirely on me and that i can't count on him to help me with it. if anything goes wrong, I'm on my own. it's a gut-wrenching feeling to not be able to count on your spouse. 

and he most likely will never change and it's foolish of me to expect him to.

thank you to everyone who responded. i have a lot to think about.


----------



## Livvie

KCarlisle said:


> TJW said:
> 
> 
> 
> There are three basic needs of men and women. Love, security, and significance. Both men and women need love about equally. But, given the choice, women will sacrifice significance for security, and men will sacrifice security for significance.
> 
> *It seems to me that a great deal of your security lies in having your husband be like your father.*
> 
> 
> 
> i think you've hit that nail on the head. i don't feel secure in my marriage. i feel like this huge responsibility (in this case, the house) falls entirely on me and that i can't count on him to help me with it. if anything goes wrong, I'm on my own. it's a gut-wrenching feeling to not be able to count on your spouse.
> 
> and he most likely will never change and it's foolish of me to expect him to.
> 
> thank you to everyone who responded. i have a lot to think about.
Click to expand...

I think this is the key. I think it's not that your husband isn't handy as much as he leaves you responsible for so much. He could work WITH you in fixing some of these issues, he could find ways to learn to do some of this stuff, but he doesn't. That's the problem, not that he's not handy to begin with.


----------



## TJW

Did your father write prescriptions when you or others in your family were sick? Or, did he provide money and medical insurance for the doctors and nurses who took care of you?

If he wasn't a doctor himself, did that mean that your mom was left solely responsible for the family medical care? Or, could she "count on" your dad to continue to provide in the
ways that he could?


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

KCarlisle said:


> Quite frankly, this is making me less sexually attracted to him. It's kind of a turn-off when your husband doesn't know what an allen wrench is and doesn't care to learn. it's not exactly arousing tightening a screw while your husband sits on the couch looking completely helpless.


This guy is just pathetic. No wonder you're fast losing any attraction to him. Is he a Eunuch or something? Sadly, he kind of acts like he lost his testicles in the great flood of 2010 and doesn't know _how_ to be a man anymore.



> I work full-time and am also in grad school. I already do most of the housework.


Now why did I *KNOW* this before I even got to this part in your initial post? The minute I read the part about you asking Mr. Wonderful to fix the bi-fold doors and he spent a whopping 5 *whole *minutes doing NOTHING to the door then dragging his dead ass back to the couch to watch TV, I knew *exactly* what he was all about. 

The *only* one benefiting from THIS marriage is the OPs lazy ass husband. He's got a wife who'll bring home a fantastic paycheck when she gets her degree (and probably already IS doing that), fixes everything around the house, cleans it, does his laundry and just about *everything* else for him but wipe his lazy ass. Damn, I want a wife just like the OP.



> ...any other ladies here dealing with the same issues? Anyway, thanks for listening. i know this was long.


I gotta be honest. I'm old school and I like my men to be *MEN*. Not these whiny, sensitive snowflakes nowadays who seem to be *way* too in touch with their feminine sides and don't want to get their hands dirty. So no, I could *never* respect a guy like this. Are you SURE he hasn't been neutered? I'd also start checking my lingerie drawer to make sure he's not wearing my panties. Blech.


----------



## Young at Heart

Dear OP;

Get a book on sexual sterotypes and a mirror, then contemplate your role in this marriage.

Next, sit down in front of a TV and watch several hours of the Red Green show. Some handymen are more trouble than they are worth.

Good luck. Your glass is more than half full.


----------



## KCarlisle

Things have been ok the past month for the most part. i ordered a nice bed frame for our bed that we picked out together. I asked him if he'd be willing to help me put it together when it arrived. he said yes. 

the frame arrived about a week ago and we decided that today would be a good time to put it together since we were both off and had some free time. i opened the box and spread out the pieces and instructions and called him in to help me. it was pretty simple, the only tool needed was a screwdriver and i was more than willing to help guide him if needed. well he came in, took one look at everything and said:

"I'm not helping you with this s h i t." 

then he left and watched a movie in the living room leaving me to do it by myself. just like with everything else involving the house and a tool.

i'm on the verge of tears.

someone please give me a reason to stay married to this man.


----------



## EleGirl

KCarlisle said:


> Things have been ok the past month for the most part. i ordered a nice bed frame for our bed that we picked out together. I asked him if he'd be willing to help me put it together when it arrived. he said yes.
> 
> the frame arrived about a week ago and we decided that today would be a good time to put it together since we were both off and had some free time. i opened the box and spread out the pieces and instructions and called him in to help me. it was pretty simple, the only tool needed was a screwdriver and i was more than willing to help guide him if needed. well he came in, took one look at everything and said:
> 
> "I'm not helping you with this s h i t."
> 
> then he left and watched a movie in the living room leaving me to do it by myself.
> 
> someone please give me a reason to stay married to this man.


Wow, just Wow.... I cannot give you one reason to stay.

I could give you many reasons to leave. Do yourself a favor and move on.


----------



## notmyrealname4

/


----------



## KCarlisle

notmyrealname4 said:


> He's totally emasculated by the fact that you can do "men's work", and he can't. He doesn't want to help set up the bed, because you both know that you are better at it, and will take the lead if he doesn't know how to do it.
> 
> You said you didn't know this about him before you got married. So, it's not like he lied to you that he was Norm Abrams or anything like that.
> 
> It's really, really sexist to expect that men should be good at auto mechanics or home repairs or sports. Some men are, some men aren't. It's like him expecting you to make clothes from scratch on a sewing machine and can all your own fruits and vegetables. Some women are inept at these things, other women are Martha Stewart.
> 
> While you are going to school, is he bringing in most of the money?
> 
> IME, men shrivel up and die when women outshine them in anything; _especially_ if it's their wife or gf. And you can double that if it's in an area of life that's supposedly "man's work"


i don't expect him to be good at it or a natural, i would just like a little help and effort on his part. trust me, I'm no whiz in the kitchen. I'm not that great at cooking but i will at least try. i would never tell him that i "wouldn't help him with this **** " if he needed help in the kitchen (or with anything). i would do my hardest to learn and try. that's all I'm asking him to do. but appearantly I'm asking too much.

we both make about the same. i make a little more but it's not a significant amount.


----------



## Satya

@KCarlisle, this is who he is.

Why would he radically change in a mere month? 

He is very, very unlikely to change ever. 

This is who you married. 

This. Is. Who. He. Is.

I'm sorry.


----------



## musiclover

Im going to give you my opinion because my ex barely lifted his pinky finger around the house. When I say I just about did it all just to keep our house going I'm not exaggerating. 

If I knew then what I know now; I would have divorced him years ago. I would sit your husband down, lay it on the line if you haven't already. If nothing changes, then I would divorce. 

These issues you have with repairs they are minor and he won't help fix them. Imagine when something major needs to be fixed but he's too busy watching tv to care. 

I could write a book about this. You have every right to feel resentful. Do something about this now, don't wait years like I did hoping things would change.


----------



## Rhubarb

"Handy" is a state of mind. I didn't know how to weld until the guy who was doing welding for us went home to visit his mother (On a side note the same guy ended up returning and my now ex-wife cheated on me with him :-o ) . I had to finish the job so I went to YouTube watched some videos and was welding in no time. That being said I've been ****ing with stuff since I was small. However unless your husband has some physical disorder he should be able to do some stuff himself. On the other hand if your incomes are good enough that you can just call in experts, why sweat it? But I certainly woudn't be making my wife do all the repair work. I'd feel like a poor excuse for guy if I did that. The other thing about doing stuff yourself is, in a lot of cases you do a better job than the "pros". It's not because you are more skilled, it's because you are doing it for yourself and care about the results more so you are more careful. Last week I built a Tortoise enclosure for my stepson and it looks great. He was super happy with it.


----------



## zookeeper

Either this is a deal breaker or it's not. Figure that out and take appropriate action.

You can't make him what you want him to be any more than he can make you not care about this issue.


----------



## EleGirl

KCarlisle said:


> Things have been ok the past month for the most part. i ordered a nice bed frame for our bed that we picked out together. I asked him if he'd be willing to help me put it together when it arrived. he said yes.
> 
> the frame arrived about a week ago and we decided that today would be a good time to put it together since we were both off and had some free time. i opened the box and spread out the pieces and instructions and called him in to help me. it was pretty simple, the only tool needed was a screwdriver and i was more than willing to help guide him if needed. well he came in, took one look at everything and said:
> 
> "I'm not helping you with this s h i t."
> 
> then he left and watched a movie in the living room leaving me to do it by myself. just like with everything else involving the house and a tool.
> 
> i'm on the verge of tears.
> 
> someone please give me a reason to stay married to this man.


What I find fascinating about your situation is that you keep characterizing your problems in your marriage incorrectly.

Over several posts, you describe a husband who threats you like a maid. He goes to work, comes home and relaxes. You work all day and then come home and do everything to keep the house going. So he is not taking responsibility for anything but his job.

Has any of that changed? Has he been doing about 50% of everything that it takes to run a home and to do things like cooking? I doubt it. Yet you say everything was ok for the last month until he refused to help you but the bed together.

Why are you accepting his refusal to take responsibility equally for everything?

Of course he refused to work with you to put the bed together. He are his servant/maid. Of course he spoke to you in a rude way... he has no respect for you. that's because he gets away with it. He's 100% sure that you will never leave him and you will just put up with his rude, abusive ways.

Yes, it's abusive for him to not put as much effort into the home, cooking, etc as you do. Why? Because it means that you are working far more than he is. In the log run it will exhaust you and tear you down physically and emotionally. And wait until you have children and you add child birth and child care to what you are already doing. 

By you mischaracterizing the issues with your husband. Those pieces of furniture are not "handyman" projects. They are assembly of furniture meant to be doable by anyone who has two brain cells. By you mischaracterizing the issues with your husband as "he's not a handy man" you are getting the wrong input from others on TAM. You know, like the one that said the problem is that he's embarrassed because he's competing with you to do the man's job. Bull hockey. If the only issue were things like assembling a table and a bed, then maybe that would be so. But that's not the only issue, not by a long shot.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish

KCarlisle said:


> "I'm not helping you with this s h i t."
> 
> then he left and watched a movie in the living room leaving me to do it by myself.



Wow. That is beyond rude. That's so disrespectful and ****ing lazy. I probably would have left the house right then & there and found somewhere else to spend my time for the day.


----------



## turnera

I'd like a little more detail before I pass judgment. When you say he doesn't do anything, in what MANNER does he not do anything? 

When you say you work nights, what does a typical day look like? He gets up at 7 while you're sleeping, goes to work, gets home when you're gone, and has the whole house to himself until he goes to bed? Or are you there when he gets home from work? If so, what happens then? Does he go straight to the couch anyway and ignores you? Plays video games while waiting for you to fix dinner? Or does he fix dinner and set out your plate? 

Does he thank you for doing his laundry? Or does he do his own laundry?

Give us a better image of what day to day looks like in your lives. Including his attitude and his words. And YOUR attitude and words. And whether it was ever a different way and, if so, what caused it to change and how did it change? New job? Parent dying? What?


----------



## KCarlisle

EleGirl said:


> What I find fascinating about your situation is that you keep characterizing your problems in your marriage incorrectly.
> 
> Over several posts, you describe a husband who threats you like a maid. He goes to work, comes home and relaxes. You work all day and then come home and do everything to keep the house going. So he is not taking responsibility for anything but his job.
> 
> Has any of that changed? Has he been doing about 50% of everything that it takes to run a home and to do things like cooking? I doubt it. Yet you say everything was ok for the last month until he refused to help you but the bed together.
> 
> Why are you accepting his refusal to take responsibility equally for everything?
> 
> Of course he refused to work with you to put the bed together. He are his servant/maid. Of course he spoke to you in a rude way... he has no respect for you. that's because he gets away with it. He's 100% sure that you will never leave him and you will just put up with his rude, abusive ways.
> 
> Yes, it's abusive for him to not put as much effort into the home, cooking, etc as you do. Why? Because it means that you are working far more than he is. In the log run it will exhaust you and tear you down physically and emotionally. And wait until you have children and you add child birth and child care to what you are already doing.
> 
> By you mischaracterizing the issues with your husband. Those pieces of furniture are not "handyman" projects. They are assembly of furniture meant to be doable by anyone who has two brain cells. By you mischaracterizing the issues with your husband as "he's not a handy man" you are getting the wrong input from others on TAM. You know, like the one that said the problem is that he's embarrassed because he's competing with you to do the man's job. Bull hockey. If the only issue were things like assembling a table and a bed, then maybe that would be so. But that's not the only issue, not by a long shot.


over the past month he has taken a little more initiative. i had a talk with him that i was overextended which is why i hadn't been in the mood to have sex lately. he pretty much always cooks but he was helping with the pets more, cleaning the kitchen more often, put up all the xmas decorations and did most of the grocery shopping. when we ordered the bedframe he seemed genuinely excited to help with it. he kept asking when we would put it together. yes, he used the term "we". i naively thought things were turning around.

we're childfree so kids were never in the picture. thank goodness.

to be honest, i'm already feeling exhausted and worn down. i think i'm gonna call it quits in the near future. i can't imagine decades of this. while i do care for him as a person, i don't feel as if my life has been made better by getting married to him. or even married at all. i hear other women say how their husbands are their best friends and their better halves and i don't feel that way at all. i feel like i'd be just fine on my own. i feel like i'm doing everything on my own already anyway.



turnera said:


> I'd like a little more detail before I pass judgment. When you say he doesn't do anything, in what MANNER does he not do anything?
> 
> When you say you work nights, what does a typical day look like? He gets up at 7 while you're sleeping, goes to work, gets home when you're gone, and has the whole house to himself until he goes to bed? Or are you there when he gets home from work? If so, what happens then? Does he go straight to the couch anyway and ignores you? Plays video games while waiting for you to fix dinner? Or does he fix dinner and set out your plate?
> 
> Does he thank you for doing his laundry? Or does he do his own laundry?
> 
> Give us a better image of what day to day looks like in your lives. Including his attitude and his words. And YOUR attitude and words. And whether it was ever a different way and, if so, what caused it to change and how did it change? New job? Parent dying? What?


he gets up at around 5:30 and works until 4 or 4:30. i work 10:30pm to 7am. we both work mon-fri. he wakes me up when he gets home. we don't have a set schedule but in a typical day i'll do a little cleaning and some schoolwork and he'll start dinner and watch tv. then i leave for work and he goes to bed.

he does do some things like cook and mow the lawn (i rake) but everything else falls on me. cleaning the bedrooms and bathrooms, cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming, mopping, sweeping, dusting, feeding the pets, keeping everything organized, keeping up with and making appointments, etc. i'm also in grad school. we each do our own laundry but i iron his work clothes. we just bought and moved into a house not too long ago so there's a lot of things that need to be done with it along with general upkeep that he refuses to help with. so along with everything else, i also have to try to repair things myself or find people who can (if it's above my skill level). he won't even help with calling a repairman. when it comes to things like that he completely drops the ball.


----------



## lucy999

KCarlisle said:


> well he came in, took one look at everything and said:
> 
> "I'm not helping you with this s h i t."
> 
> then he left and watched a movie in the living room leaving me to do it by myself. just like with everything else involving the house and a tool.
> 
> .


Wow. Sorry, but you married a jerk.

I was totally willing to give him the benefit of the doubt until this latest tidbit. For me, it would have absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he might not be able to put it together. It would have everything to do with the fact that I would feel in more important and serious circumstances, he would just check out if he didn't want to help, and not have my back. I think the fact that he wouldn't even attempt to help you with this, and only put one leg on the dining room table, is indicative of how your life will be with him. I think it would be disastrous if you think that you could count on him. Because you can't.

And, I get what you are saying about your man not being handy. My live-in boyfriend has very limited handyman skills. But he at least attempts to try and research how to fix it. Sometimes he is successful, sometimes he is not.

Once he fixed something minor on our toilet. We rent and I thought it would have been stupid silly to call landlord for something like that. Needless to say, he got laid that night. Acts of service is my love language and I think it is yours, too. So I understand completely where you are coming from.

he could have said the quote above in a myriad of different ways. But he chose to be a jerk about it. That would not bode well with me. He could have at least shown you some respect in his response. He was very dismissive and rude. Not acceptable.

Leave the bed unassembled. call the furniture company and have them come assemble it for you. And quit ironing his clothes.


----------



## turnera

Ok, I'll give you a glimpse into your future if you stay with him. My H's mom lived with him when I moved in. When she moved out after a few years, the house fell apart. I had no idea she had been going around behind him, cleaning up and doing ALL his share of chores except the lawn. I was too naive and submissive to know any better, so I just sucked it up and started working 'two jobs' every day. 

When we had our daughter after 10 years, I thought finally! Finally he'd step up and start picking up some of the slack. Nope. After about 15 years together, I finally went to therapy to figure out why I was so utterly miserable. She told me I needed to start TELLING him that he needed to start sharing the work. I would. He'd ignore me. After another 10 years, it got so bad and I was SO depressed and miserable. He had let EVERYTHING on our house fall apart. The first house (1st 13 years), he took care of when something would break. By the second house, he just stopped. By the third house (at 25 years of marriage), if I would look him in the eyes and say "PLEASE install the toilet that's been sitting in the bathroom for three years," he would literally look me in the eyes, not say a word, and either go lay down on the couch and go to sleep, or else he'd go do some OTHER project that HE wanted to do (none of which were anything I wanted; things like digging a 'creek' in the woods behind our house, or installing new sprinklers in the yard, or trimming trees, NONE of which I wanted nor cared about). His only goal appears to have been to ensure he did NOT do ANYTHING I asked for. And he would refuse to discuss it. Ever. 

By the time I went to my second therapist, I was finally at least starting to feel strong enough to no longer kiss his ass while he was treating me like dirt, but still too scared (and broke) to leave him. So this therapist told me to sit him down and tell him that I wanted him to pick ONE CHORE that he would be responsible for, that it was TOO MUCH for me mentally to continue to do 98% of all the work to keep the house running.

I remember it like yesterday. We were at a restaurant, facing each other. I said my words, told him he could pick whatever chore he wanted, no matter how small, just PLEASE help me. He looked me in the eyes and said no. Said he never knew when he'd be home so he couldn't 'promise' to do anything. I was dumbfounded. He was perfectly happy to let me continue to meet every single one of his needs, yet unwilling to do ONE THING to please me.

But you know what? I created this monster by continuing to DO it all. I sat on that and stewed on it for a few days. Then I decided I would no longer do his laundry. Who cares if his clothes are dirty? Not ME. It took him about 3 weeks to run out of clean clothes, at which point he had the nerve to come up to me and CHEW ME OUT for not having clean clothes for him.

I merely shrugged and said "I ASKED you to pick a chore to take off my shoulders. You REFUSED. So I picked a chore to take off my shoulders that won't affect ME, since you won't protect me. You won't take care of me or this house? Then I don't care if you have clean clothes."

And then I left to go do some other chore that needed done. A little bit later (after the nap he always takes when I say 'negative' things to him), I heard him upstairs fixing something that had been broken for 8 years. So I did one load of clothes. A few hours later he worked on some other project. So I did one more load. And so it went.

Unfortunately, I was not vigilant enough to ensure this pattern continued, and after a few more years, he was back to doing nothing. 

Today, after 40 years, I have a two-page list of things that need done around our house that I am incapable of doing. For instance, we now have THREE cars in our driveway that will not run, in addition to the two we drive. My next step, when I get enough nerve, is to call a charity and have them come take one of those cars as a tax writeoff. 

What's my list like? We have a 3-car garage that is filled with HIS CRAP. Not a single car. I have one set of shelves that gardening stuff is on; the rest of the entire place is his stuff. That he refuses to get rid of. We can't even fit the lawnmower in there anymore. Even if we could, we'd have to pull it in through the human door, because the garage door quit working during Hurricane Ike in 2008 and has never been fixed. He took apart the first car in 2004 to restore it and it has been in pieces on blocks since 2005. The other two stopped running because he simply never sold them and quit driving them and now they won't run. We have holes in our ceiling upstairs from 2002. We have a broken wine fridge on our patio from around 2010. We have a pile of tiles he was going to retile the patio with that have been on our patio for three years. We have a closet kit that was never put together sitting in our living room for the last 5 years. We have wood flooring under our bed and in front of it that hasn't been installed in 4 years. Our kitchen grout has been broken for 10 years; the water leaks back behind the cabinets and stinks but he won't let ME try to fix it because he keeps saying HE will. Our pressure washer quit working 8 years ago. Our edger quit working 2 years ago. We have a CABLE running from the power box in our front yard, across the driveway, in the front door, hanging in the air up to the second floor, where the tv cable box is, for the last 7 months. 

I could go on. But you get the idea. For SOME reason, like my husband, your husband has 'something' against helping you. I know why my H does it, but knowing it, and telling HIM what it is, does nothing to get him to change. I have little hope you will have any better luck. You're talking about some sort of psychological dysfunction your H has and it is VERY hard for people to change such things, even if they wanted to.

But I'll tell you what: the ONLY times he has ever relented and done what I needed - aside from the not washing his clothes - was the two or three times I told him I am LEAVING him. But even then, the change didn't last; I would have had to become a policeman on him, riding his ass to keep the change going.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish

lucy999 said:


> And quit ironing his clothes.


Absolutely! Stop ironing his clothes. 
@lucy999 Only you can use toilet and getting laid in one paragraph! :rofl::rofl:


----------



## RoseAglow

KCarlisle said:


> to be honest, i'm already feeling exhausted and worn down. i think i'm gonna call it quits in the near future. i can't imagine decades of this. while i do care for him as a person, i don't feel as if my life has been made better by getting married to him. or even married at all. i hear other women say how their husbands are their best friends and their better halves and i don't feel that way at all.* i feel like i'd be just fine on my own. i feel like i'm doing everything on my own already anyway*.



I have felt this way in past relationships and it was a death knell. I have worked since I was 15 years old and as an adult, have always been able to support myself. It took me a while to work out what I really wanted in a long term partnership, but once I did, two things really stood out:

1. My guy was going to have to enhance my life. I had a great life as a single woman and the guy was going to have to be someone I really enjoyed being with, and he was going to have really enjoy being with me. If we were fighting all the time, or he had issues with a ton of things, then we just weren't going to work out. If I was doing all the work, and he was just along for the ride, we were not going to work out. My life had to be significantly better with him than without him. 

2. He had to demonstrate care for me. You'd think this would be obvious but when I was younger, I didn't pay much attention to it. Early on I fell for a guy who wanted to be right more than he wanted to engage. He seemed to think that meeting any request of mine meant that he was losing his power. I was never into power struggles. I have my own power and if someone is going to battle for it, he just wasn't my guy. 

The exchange you noted hit both of those notes for me. You are left holding the bag and he is treating you with contempt for daring to think he would help you with something he agreed to do! I can understand why you feel like you're on your own. I always felt that if I was the one doing everything, why not just be on my own doing everything? No need to carry a freeloader. I don't actually mind doing everything if I am on my own.

All that said- the schedule that you and your H have has set you up for failure. It is very hard to maintain a good romantic relationship when partners are on different schedules consistently and long term. Without a LOT of purposeful planning and care, the relationship devolves into a partnership, and usually into bitterness, just as you're describing. I suspect that neither of you are interacting with the other in careful, caring, loving ways. You both are probably sniping and both upset at the other.

So if you are thinking about what you can do to improve your marriage before giving up, the first thing I would recommend doing whatever you can to get on the same schedule as soon as possible and then trying to improve from there. You might find that, if you start to spend quality time together, you might find the spark again. 

You haven't been married very long, but you've been together for several years. Is this lack of helping out a change from what you've know, or is it more like a continuation that is now heightened because of the new household tasks that come with home ownership? These are questions that might help you decide what you want to do next.


----------



## Adelais

EleGirl said:


> Yes, it's abusive for him to not put as much effort into the home, cooking, etc as you do. Why? Because it means that you are working far more than he is. *In the long run it will exhaust you and tear you down physically and emotionally. And wait until you have children and you add child birth and child care to what you are already doing. *


Your body will definitely wear out over time, especially if you are doing all the work. Believe me!! The padding on the bottom of my feet is thin and my feet hurt after a short while now because of all the walking I did for so many years, caring for the home, our children, being on my feet all day long, (I homeschooled 4 children) as well as doing all the shopping all over town for everyone and everything. My body is wearing out, literally. 



EleGirl said:


> By you mischaracterizing the issues with your husband. Those pieces of furniture are not "handyman" projects. They are assembly of furniture meant to be doable by anyone who has two brain cells.


That is what the instructions are for. It takes patience to read the directions and assemble something. Even though there are jokes about how bad assembly instructions can be, they are written for the novice. Even I put together our grill this summer, one stupid bolt at a time. When I realized I had put all the wrong size bolts in, I took them all out and put the right ones in. It takes patience and a desire to do the job right, not skill, to assemble something using the instructions.

You have that patience and desire, and your husband could cultivate it if he desired. He has no interest, and he is using you.

You are sensing more than that he is just not a handyman. You are sensing that he is a man child. He doesn't want to pull his weight, and he wants you to do everything for him like his mommy did. He's willing to go to work, but nothing else. Tell him your expectations and your boundaries and then stick to them.

Can you afford to hire out the work? Would he balk? My husband learned to start up the swamp coolers, as well as close them down for the winter when he realized how expensive it is to pay for 3 of them every year, twice a year. He feels really good saving a few hundred dollars a year because he did the work himself. Your husband needs that incentive, after he pays for simple jobs a few times.


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## chillymorn69

This is what I see

I vacuums,clean the bedroom and bathroom Feed the dogs 

Vacume=10 mins, 2x a week
Clean bathroom/bedroom 30 mins 1x a week
Feed the dog 1 min per day


All the cooking 30 mins every day
Mow the lawn 30 mins a week


Who does the food shopping? There some time involved with that!


Hmm

The grass Isn't always greener


Come on ladies let's crunch some numbers!!

It's great your in grad school! Is he making you go grad school? That's your choice (And a good one)


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## musiclover

turnera said:


> Ok, I'll give you a glimpse into your future if you stay with him. My H's mom lived with him when I moved in. When she moved out after a few years, the house fell apart. I had no idea she had been going around behind him, cleaning up and doing ALL his share of chores except the lawn. I was too naive and submissive to know any better, so I just sucked it up and started working 'two jobs' every day.
> 
> When we had our daughter after 10 years, I thought finally! Finally he'd step up and start picking up some of the slack. Nope. After about 15 years together, I finally went to therapy to figure out why I was so utterly miserable. She told me I needed to start TELLING him that he needed to start sharing the work. I would. He'd ignore me. After another 10 years, it got so bad and I was SO depressed and miserable. He had let EVERYTHING on our house fall apart. The first house (1st 13 years), he took care of when something would break. By the second house, he just stopped. By the third house (at 25 years of marriage), if I would look him in the eyes and say "PLEASE install the toilet that's been sitting in the bathroom for three years," he would literally look me in the eyes, not say a word, and either go lay down on the couch and go to sleep, or else he'd go do some OTHER project that HE wanted to do (none of which were anything I wanted; things like digging a 'creek' in the woods behind our house, or installing new sprinklers in the yard, or trimming trees, NONE of which I wanted nor cared about). His only goal appears to have been to ensure he did NOT do ANYTHING I asked for. And he would refuse to discuss it. Ever.
> 
> By the time I went to my second therapist, I was finally at least starting to feel strong enough to no longer kiss his ass while he was treating me like dirt, but still too scared (and broke) to leave him. So this therapist told me to sit him down and tell him that I wanted him to pick ONE CHORE that he would be responsible for, that it was TOO MUCH for me mentally to continue to do 98% of all the work to keep the house running.
> 
> I remember it like yesterday. We were at a restaurant, facing each other. I said my words, told him he could pick whatever chore he wanted, no matter how small, just PLEASE help me. He looked me in the eyes and said no. Said he never knew when he'd be home so he couldn't 'promise' to do anything. I was dumbfounded. He was perfectly happy to let me continue to meet every single one of his needs, yet unwilling to do ONE THING to please me.
> 
> But you know what? I created this monster by continuing to DO it all. I sat on that and stewed on it for a few days. Then I decided I would no longer do his laundry. Who cares if his clothes are dirty? Not ME. It took him about 3 weeks to run out of clean clothes, at which point he had the nerve to come up to me and CHEW ME OUT for not having clean clothes for him.
> 
> I merely shrugged and said "I ASKED you to pick a chore to take off my shoulders. You REFUSED. So I picked a chore to take off my shoulders that won't affect ME, since you won't protect me. You won't take care of me or this house? Then I don't care if you have clean clothes."
> 
> And then I left to go do some other chore that needed done. A little bit later (after the nap he always takes when I say 'negative' things to him), I heard him upstairs fixing something that had been broken for 8 years. So I did one load of clothes. A few hours later he worked on some other project. So I did one more load. And so it went.
> 
> Unfortunately, I was not vigilant enough to ensure this pattern continued, and after a few more years, he was back to doing nothing.
> 
> Today, after 40 years, I have a two-page list of things that need done around our house that I am incapable of doing. For instance, we now have THREE cars in our driveway that will not run, in addition to the two we drive. My next step, when I get enough nerve, is to call a charity and have them come take one of those cars as a tax writeoff.
> 
> What's my list like? We have a 3-car garage that is filled with HIS CRAP. Not a single car. I have one set of shelves that gardening stuff is on; the rest of the entire place is his stuff. That he refuses to get rid of. We can't even fit the lawnmower in there anymore. Even if we could, we'd have to pull it in through the human door, because the garage door quit working during Hurricane Ike in 2008 and has never been fixed. He took apart the first car in 2004 to restore it and it has been in pieces on blocks since 2005. The other two stopped running because he simply never sold them and quit driving them and now they won't run. We have holes in our ceiling upstairs from 2002. We have a broken wine fridge on our patio from around 2010. We have a pile of tiles he was going to retile the patio with that have been on our patio for three years. We have a closet kit that was never put together sitting in our living room for the last 5 years. We have wood flooring under our bed and in front of it that hasn't been installed in 4 years. Our kitchen grout has been broken for 10 years; the water leaks back behind the cabinets and stinks but he won't let ME try to fix it because he keeps saying HE will. Our pressure washer quit working 8 years ago. Our edger quit working 2 years ago. We have a CABLE running from the power box in our front yard, across the driveway, in the front door, hanging in the air up to the second floor, where the tv cable box is, for the last 7 months.
> 
> I could go on. But you get the idea. For SOME reason, like my husband, your husband has 'something' against helping you. I know why my H does it, but knowing it, and telling HIM what it is, does nothing to get him to change. I have little hope you will have any better luck. You're talking about some sort of psychological dysfunction your H has and it is VERY hard for people to change such things, even if they wanted to.
> 
> But I'll tell you what: the ONLY times he has ever relented and done what I needed - aside from the not washing his clothes - was the two or three times I told him I am LEAVING him. But even then, the change didn't last; I would have had to become a policeman on him, riding his ass to keep the change going.


Your husband sounds just like my ex. I had an extra truck and boat in the backyard because he was going to work on them. They sat there forever without being touched. After the divorce I asked him to please get these eyesores out of the yard. I ended up reporting myself to the town for having unregistered vehicles in my yard 😂😂😂. One week later his crappy things were out of here. 

I'm so glad I'm out of that mess. Talk about co dependent , I was the poster child. So glad I got the sense knocked into me when I came here


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## john117

Feed cat: 15 min 5x a day.
Clean litter box: 5 min 2x a day
Vacuum cat fur off: 15 min 1x a day
Groom cat: 10 min 1x a day
Bathe cat: 2 hrs 1x a month

Advantage: dog


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## turnera

You don't brush your dog? I have to brush my dog every day or my house gets inundated. You don't have to let your dog in and out? You don't have to clean up the poop out of your yard? You don't have to take your dog for walks? I spend a tenth of the time on my cat that I do on my dog.

And you bathe your CAT?  

I've done that ONCE in my 60 years. Got the scars to prove it. Never again.


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## musiclover

And you think him not helping inside the house is bad. This will spread like a bad dream if you don't put a stop to his nonsense pronto. 

Part of our fence fell in 2011. One section. Sat there untouched never fixed like a big old eyesore until I got divorced and had a new fence put up. 

A car and boat in the yard like something out of a hill billy movie. Then another boat at our club that died not sure when but he still has not fixed it. A good 5 years of just sitting there paying boat fees. 

My car needed a radiator hose or something. I walked to the train station every day for 2 months while he took his sweet time fixing my car. Mile and a half each way. 

Gutters fell off god knows when never to be touched. Now there is water damage. So that's next on my list. 

Like I said I could write a book on this. My house was in shambles.


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## turnera

I blame those men's moms.


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## Laurentium

turnera said:


> I blame those men's moms.


Interesting. I blame their dads.


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## Vinnydee

I am not handy. My wife is. My dad was not handy so I never learned. Unlike you it does not bother my wife because what I lack with handiness I more than make up with my brain. I earn more than enough money to hire people to fix things without worrying about the cost. My father-in-law and uncle were very handy but to tell the truth, most handymen are not as good as a professional. I know how to do certain things but I still hire professionals. My wife started off a little like you since she was used to her dad being handy but now she realizes that with my income she merely has to use the phone to hire a professional and the job will be done professionally and without the usual arguments when I try to fix things myself. Most times the cost for the tools to do a good job exceed the cost of hiring someone.

What is more important? Being handy or making enough money to hire someone to fix things without worrying about the cost? For us, the important thing is getting the job done as professionally as possible. I have plenty of crooked bars, leaning fences, etc. done by handymen. If they were that good, they would make a living from it but the truth is that they are not that good. I earn enough so that I do not have to fix things myself. What is wrong with that? Plus I am smart enough that I can easily learn to do things that I want to learn how to do. Just no need to learn them.


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## Satya

Am I the only one who noticed you work to completely opposite schedules?

No wonder there's such a disconnect between you two. It's only a matter of time before you both resent each other for the things you are /aren't doing while the other is working. You barely have any time together when not working or sleeping and you both also need some good, honest downtime alone as well.

Getting synchronized would be a very good improvement, IMO. He might not be willing to help you because it's possible he resents the opposite schedules and it's his own passive way of punishing you. I'm just taking a guess here. I don't know any man who would enjoy seeing his partner so little. My own husband says I work too much and I work from the home 65% of the time. 

If there's no way you can change your schedule, then I'd suggest being with a man who works the same hours as you. Then you're home together more and can split these chores together rather than hold expectations of what each should/will be doing while the other is out making the bacon.

If I've got the wrong end of the stick here, please correct me.


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## KCarlisle

Satya said:


> Am I the only one who noticed you work to completely opposite schedules?
> 
> No wonder there's such a disconnect between you two. It's only a matter of time before you both resent each other for the things you are /aren't doing while the other is working. You barely have any time together when not working or sleeping and you both also need some good, honest downtime alone as well.
> 
> Getting synchronized would be a very good improvement, IMO. He might not be willing to help you because it's possible he resents the opposite schedules and it's his own passive way of punishing you. I'm just taking a guess here. I don't know any man who would enjoy seeing his partner so little. My own husband says I work too much and I work from the home 65% of the time.
> 
> If there's no way you can change your schedule, then I'd suggest being with a man who works the same hours as you. Then you're home together more and can split these chores together rather than hold expectations of what each should/will be doing while the other is out making the bacon.
> 
> If I've got the wrong end of the stick here, please correct me.


yes we work opposite schedules but i don't think that's the problem. I've been working this schedule for at least two years now and these issues have only come up within the past 9 months when we bought the house. i do plan on switching back to days in the future though. while i like working nights, it's not something i plan on doing forever.

like someone mentioned earlier, i think my love language is acts of service and i'm just discovering that now. i honestly couldn't care less if my husband ever said "i love you" or bought me random gifts if he would help me out with the home once in awhile. while i know we could hire someone to do every little tiny thing for around the house, i actually enjoy DIY sometimes if it's something i feel is within my skill level.

for example, my husband loves to cook. i hate it and he knows how much i hate it. while we could probably order take out every night he still insists on cooking because that's what he enjoys and i help him with it because i know that's what he likes to do. as much as i hate chopping vegetables and am not good at it, i would still do it because i know it means a lot to him to have me help him with it. i would just like that kind of reciprocity.


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## Satya

That's all well and good, and knowing yourself is important, but the point I was trying to make is that he will not grow to respect you enough to engage in reciprocity if you cannot have the full quality time you need as a couple. It doesn't happen overnight. Resentment builds gradually and then can reach a head when something truly stressful or significant occurs to test your relationship (such as the house purchase). 

You say the opposite work shifts do not affect your relationship but I really find that hard to believe. Maybe it doesn't feel like it does because you are in it, but no couple can bond unless they have enough time together, doing things together, with no other distractions or stressors. This is why children or home caring for parents can strain relationships, as examples. These things take away from the couple's ability to devote quality time to each other. It becomes the norm and the couple can forget or neglect each other, unintentionally at first, then it becomes natural. No respect can grow from such a situation. 

The other part of this is, he may just be a very immature man, end of. And it simply will not be compatible with what you need. You know yourselves and the relationship best, these are just my thoughts.


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## turnera

Carlisle, don't forget that our top emotional needs change. They change directly in proportion to those things we are getting in abundance and those things we are starving for. And they also are based on our FOO, usually. So if you are experiencing strong withdrawal on this issue but you basically still want to be married to this person, it behooves you to figure out WHY your top EN right now is acts of service. Because it may be based on some skewed or dysfunctional issue in YOUR life, which you have the power to change.

For example, my top EN, like you, is for taking care of the home. And I can tell you exactly where that came from, two events: After my dad cheated and left, my mom struggled to keep the house on her very low salary. She kept the house but had NO money to keep it taken care of. One year when I was about 14, the air conditioner on the second floor leaked, and then fell through the first floor ceiling to land on the ground. Where it sat, in plain sight of the front door, for almost a year, while my mom scraped together pennies to save up to get it fixed. Almost a year, while my dad continued to come to the house to pick me up for our weekly visit, where he very clearly SAW that busted up air conditioner sitting in the middle of the living room - and did NOTHING.

The second event was around the same time, when, after our lawnmower had crapped out and she couldn't afford to fix it or get a new one, and some neighbor kid knocked on our door, after a few months, and offered to mow our lawn. Turns out, the entire neighborhood was pissed off at us for not keeping it up, and they sent that kid over to 'fix the problem.' I was so ashamed that, after sending him away, I went out to the yard with my little clipper shears, the only other piece of lawn equipment we had, and spent an entire day clipping those pieces of grass by hand. 

So it's a little unfair for me to so direly need my H to take care of our home, when it's MY issues and MY toxic shame that dictate it. Unfortunately, I married a copy of my dad (we usually do; you might want to look into it), who point blank refused to meet that need of mine - for his OWN dysfunctional reasons.

My point is that these things are very often very complicated and a result of a wide variety of sources and reasons, so you need to decide what you want. If you want to stay married to him, it behooves you to figure out what the hell is going on.

btw, Satya is right. Read His Needs Her Needs, and you'll see that time together - time NOT spent watching tv or doing chores - is ESSENTIAL for a couple to stay in love. It's just basic psychology. To stay in love, you have to keep having 'moments' in which you two are a team, are enjoying good moments, are creating reasons to look forward to being together. My easiest suggestion for this, before getting another job, is to find a way to take care of things that get done in those FEW hours you two have together each night so that those hours - at least a couple each night - are spent ENJOYING being around each other. Harley (author of HNHN) says that to stay in love, you must spend at least 10 to 15 hours a week together doing 'love' stuff - things that keep you happy to see each other. It could be as simple as a jigsaw puzzle or as big as an overnight trip to a nearby town, or even just to a hotel in your own town. If you don't keep feeding that love, it DOES disappear.


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## Magnesium

I honestly believe all of your problems described here could be solved with some proper communication.

Exhaust that option ...completely exhaust it....before making any decisions about ending the marriage.


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## turnera

Well...communication and BOUNDARIES.


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## notmyrealname4

/


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## turnera

Thanks, I agree. Unfortunately, my way of indulging myself is Mexican food and wine, lol. Need to find something a little healthier. 

But you're right; HE won't change. Not until I do. Both of my therapists tried to get me to start having boundaries and consequences, but my own FOO taught me to NEVER have EITHER, so it's an uphill battle for me. 

My long-term goal right now is to get out from under our $200,000 of debt (not including the house) so that I can afford to start paying someone to take care of the house. But that will be many years off. My short-term goal is to go through the house and get rid of all the stuff that is MINE, hopefully selling it, so as to have as little distraction as possible, make the house a little more organized, and pay off the debt faster.

In other words, control what I can control and let go of the rest.


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## Steve2.0

There are some things i have no interest in at all... and others i become utterly obsessed with. There is no rhyme or reason that would give me any idea which topics I would be interested in. BUT, i can say this... the thrill of fixing something at home can open some doors, but that thrill wont ever be experienced unless he actually attempts something. I am not sure he is going to attempt anything as long as you are around to catch it all.

Do you have separate bank accounts? You could always try "I scheduled a repair guy to look at this in two weeks, going to cost us XXX, unless you fix it.. which you can probably do in 10+ minutes with a youtube video... You decide b/c your paying for the repair"


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## katies

Ha! My husband isn't either. But his dad was and my Dad fixed all our cars himself so that is what I am used to. 
BUT..... my husband cleans and is a financial genius. That's what he contributes to our household. We hire nearly everything now - because although he COULD figure it out, it would take so much of his time, he doesn't have the tools, and it likely wouldn't be done right. 
So, we have this great handyman that we pay handsomely but we know it's done right and we don't have to budget hours for menial tasks. 
In fact, husband asked if the handyman could put some Christmas gifts together for us. I said that is asking too much! ha! 
Husband also got a snowblower (previously we shoveled) and I'm very concerned he'll kill himself using it.


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## turnera

The problem at our house is that my husband can do EVERYTHING and therefore refuses to allow anyone else to touch it.


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