# Getting tired of waiting.



## Troyman (Mar 13, 2011)

I am married to a wonderfull women. I very much love her, and I truly believe she loves me. We have been married for over 20 years and have to great teenagers.

We have no major financial problems, our kids are great, and both us are in good health. We make a point to go out every weekend to do something fun.

But we have the 1 big problem. She has no sex drive. This has always been a problem, and it had degraded to the point we were having sex only once per month. This was causing alot of frustration for me, and causing us to agrue.

In October she decided that from now on we were only going to have sex when she wanted it. The last 2 times were Nov 22 and Jan 15th. 

I cant believe this, but I am considering leaving her over this one issue. We talked about this and her answer was she understands. No argument, she did not even seem dissappointed. 

Am I way out of line? I am misserable. I am even asked my doctor to give me a prescription that would decrease my sex drive. So I am taking prozac. It definitly helps, but after 8 weeks it is more of resentment than anything else.

Any other suggestions?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think your wife need to see that you are confident in moving on. Show her that here statement does not reflect a healthy marraige and if she chooses this path that you will move on. Finding someone that will return your affections.

So I suggest that you discontinue date night and focus on your self. As hard as it is and as much as you love your wife, she sees you as always being there and will tolorate her behavior. 

Show her different, show her you are capable of moving on and show her you can do things with out her. If you can get her to believe that you will not always be around and if she sees a confident man walking around knowing that he diserves happiness and can find it, she may come to realize that she no longer has the control and will second quess her dicision.

So man up, go out and take the teenagers out and start doing things with them alone. Go out and start doing things with your self. Show her you will not sit idealy by while she calls the shots.

Hopefully she sees the protential of losing you and will at least start addressing her sex drive and show you that it is concerning for her that she is not making you happy. I hope that she sees the error of her way and startd to do something about it. The only way to convince her is to not tolorate it. So go out and be your own person. Scare some sence into her by showing her a different you.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Loveless Marriages—Some Factors

* Money: "One might imagine that budgeting would help unite a couple through the necessity of working together, pooling their resources for the basics of living, and enjoying the fruits of their labors. But here, too, what could bond a couple in a joint venture often serves to separate them."—Dr. Aaron T. Beck.

* Parenthood: "We've found that 67 percent of couples experience a significant drop in marital contentment after their first child is born, and there is eight times more conflict. This is partly because parents are tired and don't have a lot of time for themselves."—Dr. John Gottman.

* Deceit: "Infidelity usually involves deceit, and deceit, pure and simple, is a betrayal of trust. With trust identified as a crucial component in all successful long-term marriages, is it any wonder that deceit can wreak havoc on a marital relationship?"—Dr. Nina S. Fields.

* Sex: "By the time people file for divorce, sexual deprivation of many years' standing is shockingly common. In some cases the sexual relationship was never established, and in others, sex was mechanical, merely a vent for one partner's physical needs."—Judith S. Wallerstein, clinical psychologist.



The kind of reply you get from your wife is very depressing, sounds like she is not bothered to make your life happy. If a spouse doesn't care about the other one's happiness, it is a big problem. She is not trying to make you feel loved and appreciated. Leaving a loveless marriage is not a bad solution. We are human being, we want to feel loved and appreciated!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think your wife does not understand men & what they need, what brings them happiness and how they feel loved. I think you only get to live & enjoy 1 life down here. Sex may be less than 10% of a marraige but it will ALWAYS feel like 90% when you are not getting your needs met & are consistenly rejected. This IS torment. You are NOT out of line at all. 

It does not surprise me or anyone on here that you are considering leaving over this issue. I was just at a meeting where a Paster spoke to a small group about finances, he told us it was the #2 reason marraiges fail & asked our group of women what was #1 --- I KNEW that answer!! 

I personally do not feel ANYONE should lower their sex drive to appease their spouse, this is a gift from God, and 2 people who vowed to love & cherish one another need to come together, hear one another out, be determined to explore ways to please each other, to satisfy and deeply understand each other needs in the marraige. IF this is LOST, one partner has no care where the other suffers, one has to ask himself if the grass is greener. chances are IT IS !!! Resentment like this will only grow & fester under those circumstances. 

Is she on hormonal birth control, any other meds to affect her drive?

Is it an attraction issue ? 

Is it she has ALWAYS been inhibited & gotten worse with age, possibly a mindset hinderance? 

Many will ask -Have you been a generous lover, always sure to giver her an orgasm , are you sure she has them?

What do you feel? 

I am sure this hurt very badly to hear she was not even going to fight you over a separation/divorce. 

Do you feel you have been missing her in her "Love languages", does she have any Resentments built up over you ? (Too busy on the job, not enough help at home, with kids, etc)


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## Troyman (Mar 13, 2011)

She is not on birthcontrol, I had a vas after our 2nd child.
When we do have sex I always ensure he achieves an orgasm, infact 70% of the time is dedicated to her (carress, oral), the other 30% is mutual


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## IH8theFriendZone (Mar 14, 2011)

Troyman, I am in a marriage of almost 10 years and the sex is extremely one-sided. It's me who always wants it and, until recently, my wife literally could not be bothered with my sexual needs. In fact, she would criminalize me for having those needs. And I've always felt she had a complete lack of sympathy or desire for understanding of the emotional torment I've had to endure for almost all of our marriage. If she and I ever split, I imagine that when I leave, she won't even try to stop me or fix the marriage. 
Your wife's answer is extremely disturbing, but I also feel it gives you a clean slate to end your marriage amicably with no guilt and no blame. It's better your kids see a successful divorce instead of an unsuccessful marriage. Let them learn from a healthy failure rather than an unhealthy success. 
You only live once and you've spent so many years caged up in a brutally unfair situation. I've had a recent epiphany in life, and that is what I've already said: Life is short. You cannot make the most of it if your wife does not care enough about you to care about your needs too...see seems bitterly indifferent to your needs and the pain of those needs going unmet has caused you.
For whatever it's worth, if I ever find myself in your situation, the marriage is over, and I will pursue life with rediscovered vigor after it's official.
I know my qualities and I know there are women out there that would be very grateful for the qualities I would eagerly give in abundance. The same is certainly true of you.


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## gtsanchez (Sep 26, 2010)

i certainly feel your pain. I too have been maried for 24 years, and my wife is very similar. She too only wants sex on her terms (frequency and variety), and does not seem to care much about how I feel about it. If you are like me, you love your wife dearly, find her very sexy and attracitve, and it kills you inside to not be able to express and share that. Does your wife seem indifferent to your advances like mine? It certainly does not encourage continuing to show affection when you receive indifference back. I have always been ultra-comitted to making things work in the marriage, but it seems to be a one way street. 

I have never wanted anyone but her, but now the choice seems to be living on her terms or leaving. I know that you absolutely do not want to leave, and would love to stay with her is she showed just a bit more interest. If is a tough choice that I struggle with all the time. So far I have decided that the good things in our marriage are worth putting up with this, but I am not sure how long that will be the case. I guess only you can make that decision as well. I wish I had a hard answer for you. You and I are not alone out there.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

the guy said:


> I think your wife need to see that you are confident in moving on. Show her that here statement does not reflect a healthy marraige and if she chooses this path that you will move on. Finding someone that will return your affections.
> 
> So I suggest that you discontinue date night and focus on your self. As hard as it is and as much as you love your wife, she sees you as always being there and will tolorate her behavior.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

YOU DONT DESERVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS...


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

I suggest for you to educate her as much as possible about how having sex to you means feeling loved. The same way she needs certain things from you (help around the house, being responsible, being a nice overall husband) you need sex, but not once a month sex, at least 3 times a week and she needs to show you desire otherwise, there is no love in it....talk to her...communicate everything to her...cry!....tell her that you are dying emotionally inside because you dont feel loved


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Troyman said:


> I
> I cant believe this, but I am considering leaving her over this one issue. We talked about this and her answer was she understands. No argument, she did not even seem dissappointed.
> 
> Am I way out of line? I am misserable. I am even asked my doctor to give me a prescription that would decrease my sex drive. So I am taking prozac. It definitly helps, but after 8 weeks it is more of resentment than anything else.
> ...


You are thinking of leaving her because she is not meeting one of your key needs in the marriage. This is reasonable. But when you expressed this, she did not seem to mind. So if you are willing to leave her due to her not meeting your needs, you need to flip this around and realize that if she is willing to leave you or let you leave it is because you are not meeting her needs. You think you are meeting her needs by being a provider and having fun, but there must be a missing ingredient. Something that equals to her what sex equals to you. And keep in mind that she does not realize the depth of how important sex is to you, her needs will be things that you don't realize how important they are to her. 

You should not be taking Prozac to reduce your sex drive. You should embark on a self improvement journey that harkens back to doing things you did when you were courting your wife, and after you unlock her secret codes you then start vocalizing how she can meet your needs.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

...."only have sex when she wants it"...."I love her very much"...

I am assuming that there are no medical etc issues that mean a very low sex drive on her part. 
This is one S E L F I S H wife. She doesn't give a stuff about what her husbands needs are nor does she seem capable of a compromise.

Yet, reading Hicks post above "...let you leave it is because you are not meeting her needs".

See?....Its ALWAYS the mans fault. We are such horrible, dreadful creatures. Why did God ever create us? What was he on at the time?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

jezza said:


> ...."only have sex when she wants it"...."I love her very much"...
> 
> I am assuming that there are no medical etc issues that mean a very low sex drive on her part.
> This is one S E L F I S H wife. She doesn't give a stuff about what her husbands needs are nor does she seem capable of a compromise.
> ...


:scratchhead: Seriously?

Both people need to make sure they are meeting each others needs. It will not harm their marriage if he discovers what will help her be attracted to him, it will only help them, so what is the problem with that?


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

The 'problem' is that it always seems to be the mans 'problem' or fault.
He can be an absolutely perfect husband....either doing too much or too little. 
Whatever, its always the mans fault.
It would be refreshing to hear from women who simply accept the responsibility that the reason they might be having marital problems is because they simply are not interested (for whatever reason) in sex with their husband. They understand its important but just dont want to do anything about it...


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

I'm not sure how having a low sex drive equates to being a horrible, horrible person like other people have suggested. Your wife is probably a really good person, who just happens to have a low sex drive. It's common in this day and age. And not having that "need", ofcourse she won't be able to understand that your whole life depends on sex! It just does not compute. If you don't particularly like an activity, it is hard to imagine anyone else basing their whole existence on this activity.

So maybe education is in order. Sit her down and tell her exactly what sex means to you, and why you base your existence on it. Then, even if she can't relate to you in the slightest, at least she knows what the deal is and why it upsets you so much. She will have a bit of an understanding then. She isn't going to magically become a multi-orgasmic nympho but at least she won't turn you down so much.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

jezza said:


> problems is because they simply are not interested (for whatever reason) in sex with their husband.


This is the thing.... It's not for "whatever reason". It's for a very specific reason. Specific to the individual woman. They are not interested in sex because the man they are with has not turned her on. The man must figure out how to unlock her sexuality. Women _are_ sexual. Men are sexual. But,men's sexual turn ons are simple (visual) Women's sexual turn ons are complicated. It's not always the "man's fault". It's just that it's a lot harder for a man to figure out how to uncork his wife's sexuality than it is for a wife to uncork a man's sexuality.

If men want to call it a day and decide that it's just a mystery as to why their wife is not sexual with them, and that there is nothing they can do but wait for wife to realize the logic of why she should be sexual, I cannot stop you. But unless the party that is negatively affected by the situation changes, nothing will change.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

I think Hicks is right on the money.

It seems like it's always our problem to fix because it is! If a wife flashes her goodies and rips down her husbands pants I doubt there are many of us who wouldn't be rip-roaring to go!

It just doesn't always work that easy for women, they're complicated little creatures. Sucks, but it's true.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I have no idea but is this or should this be one of those eHarmony questions?


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Hicks - there are women (and men) who are simply not interested in what their partners want.
My own wife knows how much it would mean to me for her to give me a BJ....or to massage my prostate (externally) or to 'French kiss' her. 
I try to make her feel special, I do more than my 'bit'... She loves me...but my needs/desires etc just don't feature in her thinking. I have tried sitting her down, telling her I love her, that I want to make love to her etc....things improve for a week or two then just slips out of her mind again because its just not important to her.

I wish people would accept that just as there are some men who would rather go fishing than have sex with their wives, there are far more women who simply aren't interested in sex with their husbands or anyone else for that matter....and are simply not prepared to make a bit of an effort for their 'man'...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Well, if you are meeting her needs, and she acknowledges that you are doing well there, but she also states that she is unwilling to meet yours... Then by (my) defnition this is not a marriage, and i personally would be getting a div.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Quite. Its team work...a 'union'... Only trouble is that we have two children under 10...walking away just isnt an option at the moment.

So what do I do?...Sort myself out....and should that ever involve hands other than my own and I get 'caught', then I am the marriage busting ba$tard of a pig! ;-)


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Well, cheating is more devastating to your children than divorce. 
Have you ever had a conversation with your wife that she agrees you are meeting her needs well, she is happy in her life and marriage, happy with you, admits that you are a good husband and cannot think of any needs she has that you are not meeting, and as a result that you expect her to meet your sexual needs? That should come before divorce threat.


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

jezza said:


> Hicks - there are women (and men) who are simply not interested in what their partners want.
> My own wife knows how much it would mean to me for her to give me a BJ....or to massage my prostate (externally) or to 'French kiss' her.
> I try to make her feel special, I do more than my 'bit'... She loves me...but my needs/desires etc just don't feature in her thinking. I have tried sitting her down, telling her I love her, that I want to make love to her etc....things improve for a week or two then just slips out of her mind again because its just not important to her.
> 
> I wish people would accept that just as there are some men who would rather go fishing than have sex with their wives, there are far more women who simply aren't interested in sex with their husbands or anyone else for that matter....and are simply not prepared to make a bit of an effort for their 'man'...



Your wife sounds very much like my wife. You described my situation to a "T". Things improve for a week or two and then slips out of her mind again.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Hicks post#1 :iagree: Hicks post#2 :iagree:

Yet another cut & paste job for my relationship! 


_(could anyone who fervently disagrees with Hicks:actually anyone agreeing or otherwise! PLEASE post in my thread about male sexuality because although I don't want a bunfight about it, I think there's so much conflict because of misunderstandings of mens vs womens view of sex vs love, it could do with an airing somewhere other than in someone's personal thread)_


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

- Focus on the Family

i found this somewhere in the forums and thought it could help.

if to your wife sex isn't important in the marriage, then it shouldn't matter if you get fulfilled elsewhere. explain to her that you want to stay married and will just find someone on the side.

what? she doesn't agree with that? 

you promised monogamy but not chastity. if she doesn't like your solution ask her to come up with one that you can both live with.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Married&Confused said:


> - Focus on the Family
> 
> i found this somewhere in the forums and thought it could help.
> 
> ...


thats reasonable enough


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

There are many many people on TAM who say that infidelity is the end. It ruins a family big time. 
There are also couples here who have recovered from an affair.

Husbands and wives do not have an affair just 'because'....it happens for a reason. If a man goes 'over the side' when he has a 'perfect' wife...everything is great including the sex life then there is absolutely no way he wouldn't feel guilty. However if everything is great except the sex then he would feel justified in getting it elsewhere. 

'With my body I thee honour'...means just that...I will honour you with my body. A marriage means that you provide for each other.
Providing love AND sex included.

As I have said previously in many posts; theer are both men and women for whom sex just isnt important. It simply wasn't installed on their hard-drive. No 'reason' for it....its just not there.

So, husband and wife with two young children. Professional, financially stable, 'happy', etc...the wife just isn't interested in sex. 
The husband has some choices;
1) accept the sexless marriage as is and just masturbate
2) leave the marriage completely, so devastating the lives of two young children
3) have an affair and lead a double life + its consequences
4) go for a massage + HJ occasionally

Of course the best is to get everything from your wife. However I feel that getting a 'safe' HJ from a professional occasionally is better than divorcing/leaving a marriage + associated trauma.

I suspect if readers, both men and women are honest would agree on the best compromise.... 'doing it yourself' is best...but hey, we're all human, having your feet tickles/massages is so much nicer if done by someone else...!! And it your wife just won't do it........


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your list illustrates that you have accepted your wife's world view. Her world view is that women are not sexual and she is not sexual. When a man accepts the world view of the wife, this proves to the wife that he is weak and therefore she is even less sexually attracted to him. You have to come up with a new world view and make your wife start accepting your world view. What should be in your world view? #1. Wives are sexual and she has proven this to you in the past. #2. If wife is not going to participate in the marriage then wife is responsible for the devastation it causes and wife will be replaced. Having your own world view and holding your wife accountable to it drives her sexual attraction toward you. The most sexually unattractive thing a man can do is to accept a situation as it is and believe that it cannot be changed.


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

Hicks said:


> Your list illustrates that you have accepted your wife's world view. Her world view is that women are not sexual and she is not sexual. When a man accepts the world view of the wife, this proves to the wife that he is weak and therefore she is even less sexually attracted to him. You have to come up with a new world view and make your wife start accepting your world view. What should be in your world view? #1. Wives are sexual and she has proven this to you in the past. #2. If wife is not going to participate in the marriage then wife is responsible for the devastation it causes and wife will be replaced. Having your own world view and holding your wife accountable to it drives her sexual attraction toward you. The most sexually unattractive thing a man can do is to accept a situation as it is and believe that it cannot be changed.


Hicks,

You make a lot of sense. My wife doesn't care about my needs. Last night, I came to bed after a conference call overseas. She was watching a show that just started. I tried to talk to her but she insisted she was watching her show. I told her she could pause it. She didn't want to. She suggested we watch it together. So, we did. After the show was over, she said "Night". I mentioned to her that I thought we could fool around. She said she was tired. Not too tired to watch her show. But, then too tired to fool around afterwards. 

Very tired of waiting. So much for compromising. That got me nowhere.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Tx,
Well, it's very hard to get a wife sexually intersted when you pop into bed after a work call, expecting her to be ready, willing and able. Start the process earlier in the day.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

txhunter54 said:


> Hicks,
> 
> You make a lot of sense. My wife doesn't care about my needs. Last night, I came to bed after a conference call overseas. She was watching a show that just started. I tried to talk to her but she insisted she was watching her show. I told her she could pause it. She didn't want to. She suggested we watch it together. So, we did. After the show was over, she said "Night". I mentioned to her that I thought we could fool around. She said she was tired. Not too tired to watch her show. But, then too tired to fool around afterwards.
> 
> Very tired of waiting. So much for compromising. That got me nowhere.


according to some other threads i have seen, you should have grabbed her and torn her clothes off, ya know, you should have taken her. but that would have probably made her quite mad. :scratchhead:


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> according to some other threads i have seen, you should have grabbed her and torn her clothes off, ya know, you should have taken her. but that would have probably made her quite mad. :scratchhead:



LOL When she sends me zero signals that she is interested, if I don't at least try to initiate, I know nothing will happen otherwise. 

She asked for a maid service this year. We got one that comes in every other week. You'd think that would free up some time for us. Nope!


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## Michael610 (Sep 20, 2010)

Hicks said:


> Tx,
> Well, it's very hard to get a wife sexually intersted when you pop into bed after a work call, expecting her to be ready, willing and able. Start the process earlier in the day.


That may be worth trying, but many times, a spouse with this sort of attitude either doesn't pick up on signals & suggestions made earlier in the day, notices them but tries to ignore them, or responds to them with irritation or even anger.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

An overseas work call v watching TV....?
1) 'work' = bringing money into the house to pay for things...like the TV
2) 'overseas' = different time zones. Means sometimes 'work' has to be done outside 'our' normal working hours

No work = no salary.

TV drama...these can be paused or recorded.

Had the OP been out playing golf, watching sports on TV then wanted to get into bed and 'fool' around I could understand his wife being more interested in her film....but he wasn't. He was on an overseas work call.

I get quite disheartened reading the posts on here especially when in a vast majority of marriages with sex 'problems' the fault is laid squarely at the mans feet.
The reason the wife doesnt have sex with him is because HE doesn't treat her right, HE doesn't buy her flowers, HE has put weight on, HE doesn't take her out for dinner etc etc - its all about things that HE does or doesn't do.

Yes a wife can go off sex with her husband for all of the above reasons etc but the husband can also go off sex with his wife because of all of the above.

There are a few wives on here who appear to accept and respect that their husbands need for sex etc is higher than theirs and they oblige. Their husbands appreciate this and are therefore more loving, caring etc etc.

We men are stupid, simple but loyal animals. Keep us fed and sexually fulfilled and we'll do absolutely anything for you!


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I am a reformed wife who denied sex to my husband and I take full responsibility for it! It was not my husbands fault - it was mine alone. 

However, there are some cases where men do have some responsibility in their wives not wanting to have sex with them. But either way - the woman is not having sex because she does not want to. The reasons for her not wanting to are as numerous as there are women. If her not wanting to have sex doesn't change then the sex just isn't going to happen. Period!!! 

We can not change anyone we can only change ourselves. This is a fact. A frustrating fact - but still a fact none the less. So in the end no matter what the husband does - the wife is the one who has to eventually change. She is the one stopping the sex and controlling when and how it happens.

Sometimes when a man has done everything he knows to do to change himself to meet the needs of his wife - and the woman still does not want to have sex with him, then it is time to look at all his options and choose one! I think there should be an honest and open dialogue throughout this whole process - starting from the beginning - i.e asking his wife what she needs from him that she is not getting and honestly expressing what he needs from her. Then in the end - tell her his needs are not being met and explaining the options he is looking at to have them met. Not in a threat, but being candidly open throughout the process. There are several techniques talked about on this site, that are basically ways to try to motivate the wife to want to have sex. They may or may not work - but it still all depends on the wife changing to "wanting" to have sex.

Sometimes - help from a professional should be sought (preferably a sex therapist in my opinion). There are no easy answers in these situations. And sometimes there are no answers to fix it because the wife does not want to and will not change. But the good news is that many of them will. 

Think positive - that your wives will!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

jezza said:


> An overseas work call v watching TV....?
> 1) 'work' = bringing money into the house to pay for things...like the TV
> 2) 'overseas' = different time zones. Means sometimes 'work' has to be done outside 'our' normal working hours
> 
> ...


Quite logical. But women don't logically decide to become horny. It's emotional. Developing that emotional connection takes some time. Nothing annoys a woman more than a man doing his own thing all day and then popping into bed asking for sex. If a women on this board disagrees with that I hope she posts.



jezza said:


> I get quite disheartened reading the posts on here especially when in a vast majority of marriages with sex 'problems' the fault is laid squarely at the mans feet.
> The reason the wife doesnt have sex with him is because HE doesn't treat her right, HE doesn't buy her flowers, HE has put weight on, HE doesn't take her out for dinner etc etc - its all about things that HE does or doesn't do.


That's a mischaracterization of what I am saying. What I am saying is that any man trying to increase the amount of sex with his wife will be far more successful by trying to change the way he emotionally connects instead of logically convincing her to change. I agree the wife is wrong in every way possible to deny sex, allow herself to become non sexual, and fail to meet the needs of her husband. Being right however gets you no more sex. Changing your tactics could get you more sex.


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