# What went wrong?



## Miss.Mystified (Aug 7, 2012)

So I'm new here and this looked like as good a place as any to get advice. My DH (37) and I (38) are both on our second marriage, we've been married for 2 yrs, been together for 9 yrs. Our sex life in the beginning, as expected, was awesome. We met at work, so sneaking off and meeting up somewhere on lunch break or after work spiced things up alot. We went through a spell of pretty much no sex for nearly 4 yrs. I was in a car accident and rearranged every disc in my back. It wasn't that I didn't want him or vice versa, but I was on alot of pain management meds and antidepressants, so the drive was gone and his feeling was if he couldn't pleasure me then why bother. I know he loves me and I love him dearly. 

Since we were married, the sex life has slowly came back. I've been wanting to experiment with more than the "same old routine" over the past few months and have voiced this to him. Different positions, sexy lingerie, spontaneity, suggestive texts throughout the day, and maybe even a little roleplay. 
The problem stems in that he seems disinterested. He didn't seem to enjoy the lingerie, it's hard to be spontaneous since we have my sister and her kids staying with us. Everything I suggest seems to get shot down. So I asked him "What do you want me to do?" Like tell me exactly what you want. And I get nothing. I love his body, he's not the type out of GQ, a little overweight and a low esteem, but I let him know all the time that I find him sexy and I get aroused just looking at him. I love giving him oral, it's a major turn on for me. And I'm confident in my skills. 

So yesterday, he sends me this little suggestive text, then later sends another proceeding to tell me what he's going to do to me when he gets home. Needless to say, I was a walking mess all day waiting for him to get home. I had a late apptmt and got home after him. He was waiting on the porch and as soon as I walked up the steps, he was all over me with kisses and caresses. It had been a long evening and I needed to shower so I suggested he join me. He offered to wash my back  Okkkk, so after my shower, I lead him to the bedroom where he has soft music and candles lit (nice touch DH) and I disrobe.. I've been waiting all day. The foreplay begins and What? he's not aroused?... thats ok, I proceed to show him a little more attention and nothing... zip, zilch, nada... What went wrong? He still pleasured me, but I'm a woman who believes in pleasuring her man. And yet, I couldn't. 

So ladies and gents alike, What went wrong? Is it my fault? I feel awkward, like maybe I'm not as good as I thought... Maybe the candlelight was too much (Im underweight and not fully blessed). Did I break the mood with the shower? Or am I beating myself up over nothing? Could it be that he just wanted to pleasure me and that was his only goal? But what man cant get an erection when a nude woman is giving him head? He won't give me an answer. :scratchhead:

Thanks in advance for any opinion(s),
Miss.Mystified


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How long had it been since the last time? 

Maybe he was nervous since it had been building up all day and when the time came, his "friend" was overwhelmed and couldn't, um, rise to the occassion.

I wouldn't make him feel bad over this cause it's going to make it worse. Try cuddling tonight and soft kisses. 

Has this ever been an issue with him before?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

He may not have an answer. It could be physical or mental. Has this happened before? If not, I would not talk about it and see if he has troubles again. If it is reoccuring, he should see a doctor to rule out any issues. At his age, ED is not uncommon, and could be a symptom of bigger problems. 

It is very likely not you, so don't let that effect you. Work with him to figure out a solution.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

its happens. don't make a big deal out of it. if it keeps happening then a trip to the dr would be in order .


is it posssible he rubbed one out before you got home. and then couldn't preform


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Like Tall said, your H probably doesn't have an answer. Probably felt too much pressure to perform after all that build up. Forget it, and try again. 

Was he drinking alcohol before this happened?


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## Miss.Mystified (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm not making him feel bad about it, I simply asked him did I do something wrong? Was he too tired as he did pull a long shift at work and I thought maybe he was just worn out. It has happened before, he went through a spell where he wouldn't pursue me, he would hide with some porn. He broke down and told me he was broken, that it wouldn't work anymore, that he couldnt even get himself up. I told him to calm down, that it wasn't the end of the world and it could be fixed. I explained that ED could be a symptom of stress, not enough sleep, diet... simple things that could be changed and we would work through it together. I love DH very much and I stand by my vows. Needless to say, after I got him to relax, I showed him that it in fact did still work. And has worked great since his "confession". But not last night, and I have never had a problem with him getting aroused during oral. 

I did ponder the thought of him masturbating before I arrived home, but he denied that too. I just want to make sure he's satisfied, I guess we are both that way. I kinda feel guilty about my multiple and his nothing. I don't want to feel guilty for getting mine and I guess that makes me feel more guilty. LOL


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## Miss.Mystified (Aug 7, 2012)

Not to my knowledge, but he may have had a little whiskey before I arrived. 

I don't want to spend to much time in my head with it. I just didn't know if it was "normal" to be so ready and yet unable when it was so well thought out on his part. He's not a romantic type and rarely does anything romantic, so the candles and music were a very nice surprise. I guess that made me expect a little more.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

its happened to me about 3 times over the past 20 years. i cannot explain why but i think my mind was simply occupied by something i couldnt shake. i agree with the others, if it happens again soon you can begin to worry a little more


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

thunderstruck said:


> answer. Probably felt too much pressure to perform after all that build up.





okeydokie said:


> its happened to me about 3 times over the past 20 years. i cannot explain why but i think my mind was simply occupied by something i couldnt shake.


Men: How common is this?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

You definately didn't do anything wrong. Stress can be a major erection killer for men. If one time we have trouble with an erection it gets in our head and then we stress about that. I know you women often worry it's you...it's not. The very thought we may have disappointed you adds that much more stress. I think your prior response when your husband had trouble before was perfect. I wouldn't worry about the other night. I think like the others have suggested he worried himself so much about being able to get it up for the big event that he physched himself out.


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## Funk48 (Jun 10, 2012)

Sounds to me like he may have been a little too eager to please. I've had it happen a few times as well and it was usually when I had an elaborate scenario all planned out and the spontaneity of it all was lost.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Jellybeans said:


> Men: How common is this?


have you ever had problems with....um....moisture?


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## Miss.Mystified (Aug 7, 2012)

Thanks all for the insight. I do feel maybe I was over-thinking the whole thing. I guess that is the insecurity deep within. 

Im with Jellybeans, is this common?

Okeydokey: I have before, when on certain medication, would that matter a year down the road... flashback or something?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Men: How common is this?


Not common, but not unheard of. Probably 4-5 times in almost 20 years with my wife. Stress and alcohol are big culprits, as is age. The worst is actually the next time after it (doesn't) happen. At that point, it is as much mental as anything.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Miss.Mystified said:


> Okeydokey: I have before, when on certain medication, would that matter a year down the road... flashback or something?


no ma'am, just kinda drawing a parallel


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## Miss.Mystified (Aug 7, 2012)

Update:
Maybe I was up in my head a little too much, I find I have a tendency to do that quite often. Not much was said when he arrived home from work, it seemed to have been a long, dreadful day at work. So, I give him his space to unwind. After he'd had his "time out" and showered, we sat on the porch as the sunset (we're like an old married couple lol). I spoke first, asking how his day had went and when he rolled his eyes, I knew I was right with my initial instinct. Maybe that was the wrong question to ask? I said "Say no more" and smiled. I reached over and took his hand and asked him to come with me. I didn't even acknowledge the little mishap, it was far from my mind. I offered to give him a massage to help him relax and he accepted (big shock from me, given he was in a car accident in 1994 that really did a number on his spine, so he doesn't usually comply with massages stating "It won't help" and my thought "How do you know if you won't let me try it") So this was the first time he's ever really gotten a full body massage, Needless to say, I was excited  He really relaxed, so I made it a little more intimate. I got the response I was anticipating and well... he was happy  
But he just couldn't let it go. I know he wants to please me, but he def. didn't leave me hanging the other night. I refused his 'proposal' and he took at as me being angry at him. I tried to explain that things don't always have to be about me. I just want him to relax and not worry about me all the time. I'm happy just being with him. I told him it was his night, I was fine. 
Even this morning before he left, he was still hurt by my refusal. How can I get him to lighten up some and not stress about it??... I really am fine whether I have an O or not, it's just awesome when I do. And I have no problem voicing when I need the big O (big stress reliever at times). 
How do I insist he relax and just enjoy whatever is? Without making him feel as if I'm rejecting him, because I'm really not.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Miss.Mystified said:


> But he just couldn't let it go. I know he wants to please me, but he def. didn't leave me hanging the other night. I refused his 'proposal' and he took at as me being angry at him. I tried to explain that things don't always have to be about me. I just want him to relax and not worry about me all the time. I'm happy just being with him. I told him it was his night, I was fine.
> Even this morning before he left, he was still hurt by my refusal. How can I get him to lighten up some and not stress about it??... I really am fine whether I have an O or not, it's just awesome when I do. And I have no problem voicing when I need the big O (big stress reliever at times).
> How do I insist he relax and just enjoy whatever is? Without making him feel as if I'm rejecting him, because I'm really not.


This is a very hard lesson for many men. Our enjoyment of sex is so wrapped up in an orgasm (and we here the complaints about leaving a woman hanging) that we can't understand our woman not wanting or needing to have one. I know it took me some time to really believe it from my wife (still, I approach sex with the expectation that we will work to get her one unless she says otherwise). I will note that by accepting it, she seems to have gotten more orgasms, perhaps because I pressured her less about it.

In your case, I suggest bringing up the previous night where he plesured you but did not orgasm. Ask if he enjoyed it and why (I suspect he will say he did)? Compare it and explain how you don't always need to orgasm to enjoy sex. Perhaps also promise that you will be honest in what you need sexually, so that he can be confident he is giving you what you need.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he's depressed (you mention low self esteem), it can cause it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why don't you suggest that you take turns? One night it's for you, one night it's for him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Also, I highly recommend this book, just for that purpose. It's invitations, 26 for you, 26 for him, that you give each other and set up romantic or sensual events. Great stuff:
Amazon.com: 52 Invitations To Grrreat Sex: It All Begins with a Lick (9780974259918): Laura Corn: Books


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Tall Average Guy said:


> This is a very hard lesson for many men. Our enjoyment of sex is so wrapped up in an orgasm (and we here the complaints about leaving a woman hanging) that we can't understand our woman not wanting or needing to have one. I know it took me some time to really believe it from my wife (still, I approach sex with the expectation that we will work to get her one unless she says otherwise). I will note that by accepting it, she seems to have gotten more orgasms, perhaps because I pressured her less about it.
> 
> In your case, I suggest bringing up the previous night where he plesured you but did not orgasm. Ask if he enjoyed it and why (I suspect he will say he did)? Compare it and explain how you don't always need to orgasm to enjoy sex. Perhaps also promise that you will be honest in what you need sexually, so that he can be confident he is giving you what you need.


i still can't come to grips with not wanting to have the O. seems like you cant win, if you dont put forth the effort to complete you hear that you should, if do put forth the effort you hear that you are trying too hard. 

i guess communication is the key. if i didnt want to O i would simply make that clear and i would expect my partner to respect that and be ok with it. nobody can read minds


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## Miss.Mystified (Aug 7, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> This is a very hard lesson for many men. Our enjoyment of sex is so wrapped up in an orgasm (and we here the complaints about leaving a woman hanging) that we can't understand our woman not wanting or needing to have one. I know it took me some time to really believe it from my wife (still, I approach sex with the expectation that we will work to get her one unless she says otherwise). I will note that by accepting it, she seems to have gotten more orgasms, perhaps because I pressured her less about it.
> 
> In your case, I suggest bringing up the previous night where he plesured you but did not orgasm. Ask if he enjoyed it and why (I suspect he will say he did)? Compare it and explain how you don't always need to orgasm to enjoy sex. Perhaps also promise that you will be honest in what you need sexually, so that he can be confident he is giving you what you need.


I was going to do the whole comparison suggestion, but I was afraid to bring it up for fear of him taking that the wrong way. Again I tend to play out 10 scenarios in my head and talk myself out of saying things for fear of it being taken the wrong way. He's not a big communicator so I'm careful where I tread. He's got a past that he doesn't talk about much but enough for me to know it wasn't a nice childhood. He talks in short phrases and random [email protected]$$ comments or jokes when it comes to being serious. Only when its personal or intimate. He's great with the kids and finances and helping out around the house. I'm on the fence about MC for the communication level. I have mentioned it to him and he blows it off or pretends not to hear. I don't think it's that horrible, but I don't want to feel like I always hold back for arguments sake. Again, up in my head. So Im pretty much a go with the flow kinda person. I've dealt with depression, anxiety, mental disorders and those things never go away, but I know how to cope without medications. (drink alot of whiskey, J/K) I learned through years of therapy (PTSD) how to communicate so it's easier for me, but he has avoidance issues that I've noticed when getting on a deeper level. Think we'd benefit from MC?



okeydokie said:


> i still can't come to grips with not wanting to have the O.


 Guess it's more of a mental O than a physical one, haven't you ever wanted to just please your partner, no expectations in return? Seems this wouldn't be gender specific. Or am I wrong? Or just a weirdo? :scratchhead:


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Miss.Mystified said:


> Guess it's more of a mental O than a physical one, haven't you ever wanted to just please your partner, no expectations in return? Seems this wouldn't be gender specific. Or am I wrong? Or just a weirdo? :scratchhead:


well yes, thats the point i'm coming from, i have always gone full blast to make my wife O. to think that she may actually not want too sometimes is what i find curious.


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## Eco (Mar 9, 2012)

So, here's a couple thoughts:

Because of the different arousal responses of men vs women, the longer buildup process that may be ideal for women can be rough on the men. He may have been getting tingly stirrings all day already, and when you walked up the stairs he was probably hard, if not maybe so right after that first kiss....but after a shower, after stressing about if everything looked just right, after stressing about if he can perform long enough, stressing about you having a good time, then there's foreplay for a while, and after all that he's probably not gonna be hard still, he'll need a kickstart again. I know that when I'm ready to go just by seeing my girl, or starting to make out with her, that after a bit of time with foreplay the intensity of arousal starts to change. I'll nibble and kiss her body, go down on her, and then when that's done it's been a half hour since I was hard, and in a way, it's harder to get hard the second time because you've just spend the last half hour getting a little desensitized to what you are doing, seeing, feeling etc and are busy working on her enjoyment - just so you can do it well! 

I know many women think that all they should have to do is show up and a man is gonna be hard. I've known many who think that if they just lay down in bed naked that they've done their part. I'm not saying that this is YOU, but there's a reason women often think that. They are used to guys poking them while kissing on the porch, poking them in the middle of the night, poking them at the drop of a hat...but guess what, many times a man wants to feel wanted, he wants her to ravage him too...maybe he was trying to arouse you all day not just to pamper you, but to ignite your passion for him! 

When I'm REALLY aroused, my touch is different, my teeth come out more, and waiting 30 minutes or whatever is not on the agenda since I'm going to want it NOW! Of course many women love that too - but that's a different subject. So....if he's done all these things for you, maybe just finished oral on you etc. but it has been a while of foreplay, he may need you to demonstrate your own arousal - to grab him like you just can't wait for him to be inside you, kiss him like you'd waited all day, not so gently and dispassionately that it feels to him like you can wait another day! If that's not enough then maybe go down on him, gently tickle your fingertips around his neck, down his back, to his thighs etc. Just showing him you appreciate his body, and want him....and hopefully he's been doing that for you too. 


Another possibility is that he, like many men, thinks he needs to have good sexual endurance to please you. He may have masturbated to lower his sexual tension that had been building up because he didn't want to do all of these things, only to pop as soon as things started. This could have backfired on him if he did it later in the day and wasn't as quick to rise. 


I've been with women who kept me hard for days with subtle little things about the way they looked at me, the way they brushed by me, the way they would wiggle just a little when they said something, or the way they responded to my touch. Others just couldn't seem to figure it out at all and would expect that me just being around them should be enough. The difference was in feeling desired and appreciated...in feeling like she wanted ME and felt aroused, but not just a general arousal, but AROUSED BY ME. My current girlfriend is the most beautiful women I've ever been with - but she's shy and self conscious (she used to be heavier and though she changed her body, her mind hasn't caught up) she doesn't like to touch me much, because she's really afraid of doing it badly and so when she does it's minimal and brief - and if I don't INSTANTLY get hard then she starts asking what is wrong. Well...let me tell ya "What's wrong? What have I done wrong? You don't want me? I don't turn you on?" kinds of questions feel just horrible to hear....and hanging those sorts of questions on something as fragile as an erection is a mistake that is self fulfilling. 

Don't ask these things and point out how horrible it is that he's not hard, about how you are insulted/hurt/embarrassed etc. That will only ensure that he shrivels up even more, and feels like a total failure at what he had been trying to do all day! Instead just MAKE LOVE TO HIM....a penis actually is more sensitive to light touch when it is soft, and still feels frigging awesome when a woman touches, kisses, and licks it. Rather than putting a negative focus on his limp willy, just make love to him...without an obviously goal oriented touch (as in, don't just start frantically jerking him off trying to get it hard) move down there and give him oral...even if he's soft it will feel great, and hopefully he won't be soft too much longer. If it stays soft then it does, and turning over frustrated/hurt/embarrassed isn't going to help either of you to feel better. 

The sex organs help us to show our love, but they are only a small part of the big picture - and next time, if he's worried about disappointing you again, it's only going to make matters worse.


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## Miss.Mystified (Aug 7, 2012)

okeydokie said:


> well yes, thats the point i'm coming from, i have always gone full blast to make my wife O. to think that she may actually not want too sometimes is what i find curious.


Not so much that I don't want to, just that its not a priority. If I do, great but if I don't its no big deal, unless of course I specific say I need it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss.Mystified (Aug 7, 2012)

Eco said:


> So, here's a couple thoughts:
> 
> Because of the different arousal responses of men vs women, the longer buildup process that may be ideal for women can be rough on the men. He may have been getting tingly stirrings all day already, and when you walked up the stairs he was probably hard, if not maybe so right after that first kiss....but after a shower, after stressing about if everything looked just right, after stressing about if he can perform long enough, stressing about you having a good time, then there's foreplay for a while, and after all that he's probably not gonna be hard still, he'll need a kickstart again. I know that when I'm ready to go just by seeing my girl, or starting to make out with her, that after a bit of time with foreplay the intensity of arousal starts to change. I'll nibble and kiss her body, go down on her, and then when that's done it's been a half hour since I was hard, and in a way, it's harder to get hard the second time because you've just spend the last half hour getting a little desensitized to what you are doing, seeing, feeling etc and are busy working on her enjoyment - just so you can do it well!
> 
> ...



The questions aren't typical of me, it was just an odd scenario and one I had never experienced. I just didn't understand the anticipation leading to that point. I mean really I was ready for some good old up against the wall ****ing. Im the initiator in the relationship a good 80% of the time. So that he initiated via text was a pleasant surprise and really got the juices flowing, like I could have surprised him at work and occupied the break room kind of flowing. All day long with anticipation he held me.
So don't get me wrong, you have great advice and a different perspective which is what I asked for. But I would never make him feel as if he failed me, but more I failed him. Guess I needed the reassurance that it was ok if he didn't. Like I said, never happened before. I asked if it was because he was tired (exhausted from work) and got a simple No so I go on a guessing game in my head. Dumb me. But any who, thanks for the pointers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eco (Mar 9, 2012)

Miss.Mystified, well in that case it sounds like you aren't the target audience for my post at all! :-D


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## Miss.Mystified (Aug 7, 2012)

Eco said:


> Miss.Mystified, well in that case it sounds like you aren't the target audience for my post at all! :-D


It is an informative post and I can benefit from it, as well as others Im sure. :smthumbup:


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