# Solving problems, or talking about problems?



## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Ladies of TAM, please help me understand how typical the following situation is, in your marriage or dating relationship. Here goes...

You face some vexing problem at home or at work or wherever, it's bothering you, and you need to share your thoughts and feelings about this problem with your husband/significant other. And so, you do, except 5 minutes into the discussion (maybe less), your man is more interested in helping you solve the problem vs. hearing you talk about it further.

Does this happen often? If so, how does it make you feel? Do you wish the man in your life listened more, and attempted problem-solving less?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I actually think I would appreciate it if he did try to solve more of my problems.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I'm not a lady, but my wife has explained this phenomenon pretty clearly. 

Talking about it helps her solve it. I am not there to solve anything, just to listen. Somehow, my listening helps her process things to the point she can better deal with them. 

It used to be my instinct (still is actually) to jump in, take over, and fix things. I'm very action oriented _and _I don't like to see her struggle. I also have a bit of cave-man protect my woman complex. Put all that together and my initial responses were far too "helpful" and not at all what she was looking for.

It doesn't make logical sense and I still don't get it, but I can now recognize it and know when to keep my mouth shut and just listen, and when she's actually looking for intervention. Usually it's just the former. 

After she works through it, if there was not input required on my part, she finishes with "Thank you for listening"," sometimes accompanied by a peck on the cheek. It's sweet.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

I think of that sort of venting as puking. You have an upset stomach, and you feel a lot better after the contents come up.

The problem-solver (usually the husband) is all about what did you eat, are you sick, eat some saltines, what do you need to do to avoid a reoccurence, etc.

The emotional spewer (usually the wife) is all about whew, glad that's out, now I feel better and I'm going to lie down.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

_anonymous_ said:


> Ladies of TAM, please help me understand how typical the following situation is, in your marriage or dating relationship. Here goes...
> 
> You face some vexing problem at home or at work or wherever, it's bothering you, and you need to share your thoughts and feelings about this problem with your husband/significant other. And so, you do, except 5 minutes into the discussion (maybe less), your man is more interested in helping you solve the problem vs. hearing you talk about it further.
> 
> Does this happen often? If so, how does it make you feel? Do you wish the man in your life listened more, and attempted problem-solving less?


I always assumed my STBXW was asking me to for help versus just listening, still does not seem natural to me but I do see most times she just wanted me to listen or hold her and I never did, she told me I have never given her what she wanted emotionally and we are currently getting divorced


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## MamaLew (May 4, 2017)

This is exactly what my husband does and it drives me crazy! I've told him I don't want you to tell me what to do, I'd just like to be able to get it off my mind and talk about it. He doesn't get it at all and I'm usually left feeling like I have no one to vent to and there's no point in being it up if I don't want him to try and solve it because he really doesn't understand why I'm telling him if I don't want his help. It's actually very frustrating.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I guess I've been with guys who have figured this out along the way...they will listen, offer supportive/constructive words (some might be in the form of a suggestion, but mostly they are just engaged with me and supportive of my side of the story, whatever it is). My job is interesting and the types of issues that come up are typically interesting to my partner to hear about, at least on some level. Same is true for issues that may come up with their jobs. I'm interested in what they do, I have a feel for the players at their work and want to know the scoop. There are sometimes big drama-fests, sometimes complicated business or personnel issues, complicated technical issues, etc. We are interested in each other's work and are supportive of the news that each other shares about it.

I do know that if I ever want suggestions or advice or help with a "problem", I address it that way first. I don't just start talking about my day, I would say "can you help me with this?" and then lay the problem out there. Though I can't think of any problem I've had at work that I wanted or needed help with, other than support and encouragement, but I wouldn't hesitate to ask if one came up.

I don't encounter a lot of unsolicited/unwanted help or advice from men in my life. Just support.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

_anonymous_ said:


> Ladies of TAM, please help me understand how typical the following situation is, in your marriage or dating relationship. Here goes...
> 
> You face some vexing problem at home or at work or wherever, it's bothering you, and you need to share your thoughts and feelings about this problem with your husband/significant other. And so, you do, except 5 minutes into the discussion (maybe less), your man is more interested in helping you solve the problem vs. hearing you talk about it further.
> 
> Does this happen often? If so, how does it make you feel? Do you wish the man in your life listened more, and attempted problem-solving less?


Happens all the time. My H is an engineer by profession so to him everything is about solutions and steps to achieve that. It is frustrating because like most women I just want to let out my frustrations, anxiety etc I don't need a solution. 
If I say so, my H gets upset that I am not taking his advice. He has got much better now and is learning to just listen and agree and make a few comments. I think this arises as a result of the men from Mars women from Venus thing. Women connect through conversation, when we have a problem we converse, we connect, we share. Men don't seem to. They connect through action(s) not words.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

It is fairly simple here and we are both quite similar. If we need just to talk then we say so, if we need help then we ask. If we are unsure of what the other wants/needs then we ask them "do you want my advice, support, shoulder to cry on etc."


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Odo and I are both problem solvers, so when we just want to vent, we usually prefix the conversation with, "I just need to vent," or, "I'm not looking for a solution."


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

MovingForward said:


> I always assumed my STBXW was asking me... for help versus just listening... but I do see most times she just wanted me to listen or hold her and I never did... she told me I have never given her what she wanted emotionally and we are currently getting divorced


When talking about problems, my wife has many times told me, "Help me how I need to be helped, not how you want to help me." 

If we got divorced tomorrow, I'm pretty sure that when I reflect on what happened, our conversations about problems would come to mind (among many other things) and how well I was meeting my wife's emotional needs during those times.

It almost makes the point that "helping can be hurting".


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

aine said:


> Happens all the time. My H is an engineer by profession so to him everything is about solutions and steps to achieve that. It is frustrating because like most women I just want to let out my frustrations, anxiety etc I don't need a solution. If I say so, my H gets upset that I am not taking his advice.


This is interesting. I think men tend to automatically focus on the problem, and how to solve it. I think women, when presenting a problem, are often more focused on things attached to the problem, such as emotional impacts, troubled social settings, etc.

Like your husband, I would often find myself upset. Either my wife needed a recommendation and she thought my ideas were unhelpful, or she just needed someone to talk to and I was too busy spewing out legitimately helpful ideas. To me, both things felt like rejection, hence my reaction. My wife would get upset too, because I wasn't supporting her as needed. It was lose-lose.



aine said:


> He has got much better now and is learning to just listen and agree and make a few comments.


Situations will vary, but mine is that my wife frequently has already formulated her solution to the problem, in advance of our discussion; she may or may not be looking for outside perspective or alternative solutions. The safest place for me (or even others she confides in, such as her mom) is one of listening, asking few questions to ensure a correct understanding of the situation and show engagement, and ultimately, validating her way of thinking.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

_anonymous_ said:


> When talking about problems, my wife has many times told me, "Help me how I need to be helped, not how you want to help me."
> 
> If we got divorced tomorrow, I'm pretty sure that when I reflect on what happened, our conversations about problems would come to mind (among many other things) and how well I was meeting my wife's emotional needs during those times.
> 
> It almost makes the point that "helping can be hurting".


I wish my W had been clearer on what she had wanted mostly I just heard a problem that needed fixing or nagging, I wanted to help in the way she needed just did not get the correct message or know how at the time.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

_anonymous_ said:


> Do you wish the man in your life listened more, and attempted problem-solving less?


The simple answer is no. 

The reality is he both listens and supports. Sometimes I find him frustrating (as I'm sure I can be to him) but above all, I appreciate my man being straight with me. 

He has an admittedly low tolerance for venting for the sake of it. He comes from a perspective of taking responsibility / doing something about it. Knowing this about him is also why I share with him, because that's the kind of perspective I appreciate. That's something I've learned about myself. 

In saying that, I had a tough day this week. Recently I've not had the need to share about my day however this time it was, 'It's been a hard day...' and he listened. I came to a certain conclusion / my own solution and he suggested a different way of looking at it that felt really supportive. It's rare that I'd vent for the sake of it. Just as it'd be rare for him to accept being talked _at_. I appreciate hashing things out with him... whether it's my stuff or his.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I have a colleague who has said to me 'I just need to vent..' I've turned around and said, 'Okay, go for it..' She vents. I listen. We move on with our day. The expectation is set, nothing but listening is required of me. 

The only way you'll learn what your wife needs (if she doesn't tell you) is to ask and listen. 

And the only way she'll learn what you're good with (if you don't tell her), is to ask and listen.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MovingForward said:


> I wish my W had been clearer on what she had wanted mostly I just heard a problem that needed fixing or nagging, I wanted to help in the way she needed just did not get the correct message or know how at the time.


My IC and I went through this in spades. Yes, men 'fix' problems and women 'talk them out.' Typically.

The solution is for you to inform him of the difference, be clear about what you really need, and then continue to correct him when he does it, until he finally changes his habit.

He can change, he just has to know he needs to. And that is up to YOU. Look at it as a problem in the marriage, not you being too sensitive or whatever. YOU know the solution, so it's your job to inform him how to keep the marriage healthy, and to be stern or emphatic enough to see that it happens.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> I think of that sort of venting as puking. You have an upset stomach, and you feel a lot better after the contents come up.
> 
> The problem-solver (usually the husband) is all about what did you eat, are you sick, eat some saltines, what do you need to do to avoid a reoccurence, etc.
> 
> The emotional spewer (usually the wife) is all about whew, glad that's out, now I feel better and I'm going to lie down.




This 100%!!!!!! 
This is a perfect explanation!


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

When I want to vent, I just want to be heard, understood and supported. That is it. I'm upset and emotional. To fix an emotional problem the solution is never "practical", or "problem solving". 

When I vent to my husband and he tries to solve the problem it leaves me upset, feeling like I am not supported or understood. It actually offends me and I feel like he is completely missing the point.

To piggy back what the other poster said... if I'm retching and throwing up and I don't feel good. Think about that for a second. I don't FEEL good. I want you to do whatever to make me feel good I'm that instant. And this is different for different women. But when you say... what did you eat? That's super offensive and your missing the point. I would look up at you like you have 3 heads, like what the hell is wrong with you can't you see I don't feel good.

That is how I feel when my husband tries to problem solve by giving practical advice when I am upset and venting. It's like what the hell is wrong with you? Can't you see that I am upset?! 

When your wife is upset, when anyone is upset actually you just offer support and understanding. That's what they are asking for.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw

My favorite short video that I think helps men.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

A good rule of thumb is... the more emotional and upset and angry someone is, it's best to keep quite and just be there to offer support.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

MamaLew said:


> This is exactly what my husband does and it drives me crazy! I've told him I don't want you to tell me what to do, I'd just like to be able to get it off my mind and talk about it. He doesn't get it at all and I'm usually left feeling like I have no one to vent to and there's no point in being it up if I don't want him to try and solve it because he really doesn't understand why I'm telling him if I don't want his help. It's actually very frustrating.




I agree. He ends up making me feel worse sometimes. I feel like he just doesn't get it.


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I agree. He ends up making me feel worse sometimes. I feel like he just doesn't get it.


I'm told I do the same and yes it drives my wife crazy too

Sent from my Nexus 10 using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Here it comes.

HERE IT COMES!

A man cannot fix any problem that a women has. What you can do is nod your head, soothe her worries, fluff her feathers, pat her back. 

And most of all....AGREE with her.

Oh, and memorize every word she says. When she asks if you are listening, you better be able to burp it back verbatim. Uh, huh!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I've been reading the Spenser novels by Robert B. Parker. The core of the series is Spenser's and Susan's love for each other - oh, and of course solving crimes, lol. But I love Parker's insight into the difference between men and women, and the best way to navigate that chasm. 

For example, in the latest one I'm reading, he talks about how she eats differently than him, and how at first he wanted to correct her, but he realized over the years that that was neither productive nor right to do; each person does things his/her own way. And you certainly never correct a woman, lol!

In other words, he sees how different she is from him, and that's what makes her so fascinating and worthy of love.

Good stuff.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I'm a guy, and this is a concept I've never been able to relate to. If I had a problem, I'd be more that happy to have someone offer solutions or opinions. Until I learned differently, I assumed that is why women spoke of their problems. I feel kinda weird just sitting there like a post without offering any suggestions.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Please tell me there are other women reading this and glazing over. It all just seems so unnecessarily complicated. If you just want to off load say so, if you want to talk till solutions are clear then say so.

We just talk here, communicate. I would not be offended if as we talked out the situation he gave me suggestions of solutions, actually I feel honoured that he loves me that much to really care. Just seems so like a waste of energy to get upset at someone because they are trying to help you in the way that comes naturally to them which may be offering potential solutions.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Satya said:


> Odo and I are both problem solvers, so when we just want to vent, we usually prefix the conversation with, "I just need to vent," or, "I'm not looking for a solution."


This is me as well. All day long I problem solve, on the fly, and often life and death decisions. I can't really turn that off but I can bite my tounge. So if the venting is coming on I'll sometimes ask am I suppose to advice this or just listen. If just listen I won't say anything. Often she does ask for advice because I can process information quickly and from multiple angles which she appreciates.

I don't talk about my work problems with her. But if I did I know she would do the same for me.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

The point is, you do what your spouse needs and wants and you learn that through trial and error.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> Please tell me there are other women reading this and glazing over. It all just seems so unnecessarily complicated. If you just want to off load say so, if you want to talk till solutions are clear then say so.
> 
> We just talk here, communicate. I would not be offended if as we talked out the situation he gave me suggestions of solutions, actually I feel honoured that he loves me that much to really care. Just seems so like a waste of energy to get upset at someone because they are trying to help you in the way that comes naturally to them which may be offering potential solutions.


Yes! If there's a solution to my problem, or even a perspective I haven't thought of --- of course I want to hear it. 

Venting has its time and place, no doubt. But solving the underlying problem is always ever so much better. Then you can waste so much less time on venting.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

I had a girls night at my place this weekend, just a small group of us. We were drinking wine and fixing each others life problems like there was no tomorrow.
It did not offend any of us when the other ladies offered advice or tried to help problem solve.

Are you ladies that are offended by your husbands trying to help you equally as offended when a girlfriend, sister, mum offers solutions?


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

I am just happy when he listens period with or without suggestions for rectification.
When the listener puts forth some ideas or suggestions it puts a whole new spin on the conversation and can give the talker a new perspective they didn't even foresee.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> I think of that sort of venting as puking. You have an upset stomach, and you feel a lot better after the contents come up.
> 
> The problem-solver (usually the husband) is all about what did you eat, are you sick, eat some saltines, what do you need to do to avoid a reoccurence, etc.
> 
> The emotional spewer (usually the wife) is all about whew, glad that's out, now I feel better and I'm going to lie down.


Problems arise (for me at least) when she continues to go back and "eat" the same thing that upset her day after day; i.e. she takes no steps to actually solve the problem and just expects to come home and vent to you to make herself feel better every day.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm in the same position, only reversed. When DH and I were working together 40 years ago, he'd come and complain to me about other guys who were giving him trouble; I'd tell him how to fix it; he'd go away; only to come back the next day with the same issues. A couple of years, and he never took my advice, never changed, never stopped whining about them. Forty years later, he still does the exact same thing. I've FINALLY learned to just shut up, nod my head, and not even listen to whatever today's problem is. 

But I'll tell ya, 40 years of that sure doesn't make me closer to him. If you want a healthy marriage, put a stop to it.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Oh dear. What a difficult topic. Everyone is different and hopefully they will be open about what they want.

I realise that there is only so much that one individual can do. For example, my husband has been with the same employer for 16 years and is satisfied with the way his career has unfolded. Ergo, he knows nothing about office politics and has no idea whether he has been the victim of it. ie, could he have been more senior than he is. He doesn't care.

I remember once telling my father that I didn't get a job offer once because, as the recruiter told me, her client complained that I had asked the same question twice in the interview. It was a 90 minute interview in which a second person joined at the 30 minute mark. My father's solution? don't ask anymore questions in an interview. This from someone who had not looked for a job since 1959.

Approaching it from the side that the OP is on, I try to gauge what the other person wants. I gingerly play devil's advocate so that they can get an idea as to how someone else might view the situation. They may or may not be receptive. Be sure to be clear that this is not your opinion just a possible opinion. 

If they're looking for a solution then I would imagine that they will openly ask "what would you do in this situation?"

One needs to be careful, however, for the long term. Act up, so to speak, and your partner will simply take her issues elsewhere. People forget that option and then become indignant when they're shut out of someone's life.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I think there is some second level issues here. I think this is much more of a dynamics issue than it is a "I just wanted him to listen issue.". In a marriage, a wife tends to take more of a proactive role where the husband tends to be more reactive. It's not in all cases, but it's spelled out in the concept of a honey do list. She is managing the life around the house and he tends to "answer" to her. 

Here, she is coming home in a vulnerable state. She doesn't have the answers, but is frustrated, and being her husband, she wants to vent to him. The problem arises when he starts to look for solutions, it makes her frustrated, not because he is trying to fix it, but DUH, I already knew/did/tried that and aren't you the idiot who didn't mow the lawn the right way, how the hell can you fix my problem that I can't fix and how dare you even consider thinking you know more or could do it better than me...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

_anonymous_ said:


> Ladies of TAM, please help me understand how typical the following situation is, in your marriage or dating relationship. Here goes...
> 
> You face some vexing problem at home or at work or wherever, it's bothering you, and you need to share your thoughts and feelings about this problem with your husband/significant other. And so, you do, except 5 minutes into the discussion (maybe less), your man is more interested in helping you solve the problem vs. hearing you talk about it further.
> 
> Does this happen often? If so, how does it make you feel? Do you wish the man in your life listened more, and attempted problem-solving less?


My husband is a very good listener.. I can't say this has ever been a problem in our marriage... I am a "fixer" too...like any woman, I need to vent sometimes... he knows I need to sort things out in my mind and go forth... in a way that gives me peace with the situation.. many times he listens.. I give my spill, thoughts on how I will deal.. and ask him how he feels about "my plan" or way.... he has swayed me in the past , or I've learned to tone something down on occasion... (always love his advice.. I seek it - he brings me in balance, fine tuning my initial thoughts)...

And with him too...sometimes he comes home.. I WANT to hear about his day. I want him to vent...it's the same thing... I listen.. we share our thoughts and brain storm together.. it's very comforting to bounce things off of each other like this.. feeling that "support".


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