# He say's it's not there anymore and he hasn't been in love with me for years



## Roseymarie (Feb 24, 2013)

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 8. I am 30 years old and he will be 28 next month. We have two children together, our daughter is 8 years old and our son is 4 years old. About 3 years ago we had some problems in our marriage. We both were not working, and he became very depressed. He became very distant, and would leave the room anytime I entered it, he said he knew it would be hard because we have never been with any one else, we are all each other knows, at this point I gave him the ring back, I did't want to be married to someone who couldn't stand to be in the same room as me. So we did try a separation, the plan was I would stay at the house, he would leave for a week, and when he came back, he would stay at the house and I would leave for a week. But, after seeing how much it hurt the kids when he left, I couldn't go through with it. We couldn't stand what it was doing to our families and most importantly to our kids. At this time we reconciled and worked things out (so I thought). Fast forward to now, we are both working, he just started community college full time too. So we don't see each other a whole lot with our schedules, he goes to school full time during the day and works in the evening, and I work during the day. When we do have free time at the same time, he chooses to spend it elsewhere, goes to a friends house, or makes plans that he says involving the kids in would cause a hassle, so I always stay home with the kids. This makes me feel lonely and left out of his life. We don't really talk about our feelings a whole lot either, as we both are very bad at "bottling them up." so a few weeks ago, he tells me he is not in love with me anymore and that it's just not working, it's not there. I thought things were ok so I ask him how long he has had these feelings and he says, he just wanted to make me happy, and later on tells me years, that they never came back after the last problems. He just wanted to make everyone happy. He asked if it's still there for me and I said sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. I have been feeling for a while like it's not there, but I feel it's because he puts me on the back burner so to speak all the time, and hasn't made me a priority in a while. When he makes me a priority, when we are doing family things, or spending time together, or cuddling to watch a movie it is definitely there. But, when I am left alone all the time, I yearn for something more. I don't want to give up on my marriage, but he has. He does have an appointment for counseling this week for his depression, which is a big step for him. I asked if he wanted to try anything to try to save our marriage, like marriage counseling, and he says he doesn't see anything working. He says he needs to be happy, and that separating from me is the only way and that he is seeing more clearly now than ever before. We are both scared of being alone and extremely worried about our kids, what should I do, and if we do separate which seems very plausible at this point, how do we get our kids through this.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Wow, so sorry about all you are going through, though you don't seem to be terribly distraught... maybe I'm just used to reading posts from people who are pouring the hearts out. And maybe that's one of this issues in your marriage? You said you guys don't talk much, don't share your feelings much. If no one shares their feelings for each other, what is there to build on.

Whether this marriage reconciles or not, you must realize that the communication happening in your marriage, can't continue. With this H or another man, you have to learn to communicate what you want, what you need and what makes you happy. 

You asked about dealing with your kids through this. Everyone will say the same thing, TALK. Talk to them, with them, encourage them to talk, vent, cry, be upset. Parents teach their kids by doing. If your hurt say it. It hurts that our marriage isn't working. I'm upset that this is going to affect you guys. I want to make our lives okay again. I want us to be happy again.

I'm sure others will post with better advice, so I'll leave it to them.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Ah...the love thing. What does it mean for u to feel love? U say it comes and goes depending on his level of interest in u. What do u think love is to him? Is it when u compliment him? Is it when u kiss him? 

You two aren't giving what the other needs in order to feel loved. Figure out what it is you need, tell your H and have him do the same. Then give it to each other without conditions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

The depression has to be treated before you can talk about separation or divorce. It can be the cause of many problems in your relation.

Under the depression there can also be some causes relating to your relation with eachother, this has to be dealt with if a counselor digs that up.

Then the depression can be treated, and then the 'not in love' issues.

Did he say why he could not bear to be with you?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I have no advice for you, Roseymarie.


You've been dating him since he was 17/18yo.
You've been married to him since he was 19/20yo.
You two had children very young.
He is now in college all day with young people who are free to explore their future unencumbered.
He is feeling that he traded in his youth for marriage and a ring, and he's regretting it.
This is why most people at TAM NEVER EVER EVER recommend that people marry very young.
You *ARE* all he has ever known, and he's (too late) regretting his haste to 'get married' and 'be an adult'.

This being the case, I'm not sure his being treated for depression is going to change anything. These facts will remain facts.


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## needymom (Sep 4, 2009)

Roseymarie I can totally understand what you are going through. My husband became distant 18 years ago after the birth of my first son. I tried over the years to talk to him. My husband has many issues and I just hide my head in the sand for years. My oldest son became mentally ill and it took one of his doctors to open my eyes. The doctor said to me "can't you see the same mental illness in your husband". Wow my eyes were opened. My husband refuses therapy. 

I don't think your problem is as bad as mine. Your husband is putting a lot of hours into schooling and working that is for sure. I am so glad to hear he is going for councelling. If he doesn't want to work on the marriage it is time to move on. Staying in a distant marriage is not healthy for you or your children. 

Your question was what you tell your kids? They are young. Just tell them the truth. Mommy and Daddy love you but that you can't live together.


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## Roseymarie (Feb 24, 2013)

So he lied about everything!! Here's an update on my situation!! So after a month of telling me he wanted a separation and needed to be alone again to be happy, he tells me he wants a divorce and he has met someone, so I had him move out. This is an adjustment for us and the kids, while I am hurting and crying myself to sleep every night, he is out having a great time being happy with his new girlfriend, which makes me so angry. I am going to be filing the paper work as soon as possible, I have asked him to keep her away from the kids, I do feel it would be sending the wrong message to the kids, which is that it's ok to see other people while you are married. I know once the divorce is finalized, I can't stop him, but I would like to make so she can't be in the kids life until the divorce is finalized and we are legally divorced. But, he says that due to him not having much free time he will probably bring them to her house so he can visit them both at the same time, and I think this is b/s and selfish of him. I don't know what to do anymore, I am so confused and lost. We did talk about not going through court for the divorce, but I don't think that is going to be possible. Any advice on where I go from here would be appreciated, unlike him I have my children's best interests at heart, and want to do what's right for them!!


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## Roseymarie (Feb 24, 2013)

oh I forgot to add that she works with him at McDonald's, and he told me she is trying to get a job at Walmart (which is where I work), I am so aggravated with this whole situation and feel like she is trying to take over my life, and I definitely feel threaten by even thought of her having a presence in my kids life. Hopefully in time I will adjust as I know another woman will be in there life, I just feel like it's being pushed on me and them all at once, and it's quite overwhelming.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

So sorry roseymarie - maybe have a look around the coping with infidelity boards, there's lots to learn about how to deal with a WS and the mess their affairs create.

Again so sorry this is happening to you.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm so sorry! This must be just awful for you.

I would most definitely ensure that she doesn't become a coworker! Tell the hiring manager she is your stbxh affair partner, they are living together and you will not be able to tolerate her presence at your place of employment! Lay it out for the manager so they know just what kind of person she is!

I don't know how old your kids are but the last thing you want is for them to be put in the middle of this conflict. Tell your H he can visit the kids are your home, but until the D, they are NOT to have contact with OW! tell him you will block contact if you suspect he isn't honoring your wishes!

You should see a some kind of specialist to ensure your rights. Your H can't be trusted so bringing in outside help is important. You can do mediation to divorce and that's a little cheaper. But again, you can't trust your H so you have to have someone on your side advocating for you.


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