# What to make of this?



## Joseph22 (Nov 22, 2021)

in October 2021, my wife pleaded for me not to leave one day, saying don't go, your a good man, I haven't shown you my best. Sexless marriage for a good year or more. The next day, with a guilty look on her face, she asked for a divorce. She said, forgive me. I was speechless and thought to myself, forgive you for what. She left, and broke all contact. I filed for divorce 8 days later, emailed her explaining that I didn't want a divorce and told her if she signs, I then knew where her heart is. She signed within four days. She avoids me, blocked me from her phone, and never responded back via email. Her sister and aunt communicate on her behalf, but she doesn't. After 9 years of being together and 5 years of marriage, she disappeared. I feel abandoned. I then discovered four months of instant messaging with someone. Messages at 4/5/6/7 and 1 in the morning. Probably using WhatsApp or some form of online social media. It appeared she wanted to leave the marriage without me really discovering what she was doing. I emailed her four months worth and included pictures of the phone bill with all the call logs. She never responded. I did however, receive an email from her friend on her behalf, stating that it was my fault. Her reasons, spoke about how I made her feel in the beginning of our relationship. I was confused. This happened at the very start of our relationship, then years went by, married and I have always communicated. It just felt that she was justifying her actions. I'm not a problem maker, raised her sons who are now teenagers. It appalls me that she left for another person. It's amazing how people leave and move on like nothing and dive into other relationships, probably telling that person how bad of a spouse I was. I wasn't abusive, I'm the main income earner with a great career and two master degrees. She said on that day, that her family loves me and everyone who meets me likes me. In retrospect, almost saying things are be different when she brings the new guy around. I'm very personable and amicable with people. That further said she would never find someone like me. Code for I love you but like a friend. It's amazing how she didn't care and discard all our history. But, I understand, I'm not the first person to experience this. I just don't understand her lack of contact? Is it Contempt against me? Shame? Doesn't she care? Wow, what did I do to her to deserve such a disregard? It's amazing she left for someone else. The guilty look and our last night together makes me realize she was having an affair which she denies. I'm speechless, she doesn't have a career, education, and left without fixing her immigration status here in the U.S. She never did it. She got a job and found an apartment. She didn't want me in her life and chose someone else. It's like grieving for someone who passed away. I'm the one who cries, who feels the lost. She just told me that she is closing this chapter of her life with me in it. To find someone like me and that she's not the one I deserve. Her family was shocked, telling her what are you doing, he is a good man; she basically said she doesn't love me and doesn't want to work it out. But I know its for someone else. I've never been here before. I just don't have words to explain her lack of communication. One day don't leave the other divorce.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

She grieved out the marriage a long time ago. You haven't. That's the reason for why she can comfortably block you from all contact and you're still inclined to contact her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

This is gonna hurt for a while. Let it. Don’t try to fix it, solve the equation, spend any thought on it at all. Your wife left. She called it quits. 
She cheated on you. She’s just not worth worrying about. 
Time will help but it takes a lot of it and the pain dulls too slowly to tell. 
What CAN you do?

WORK at making your life better. Work at making yourself a person women want to date.
Find yourself a good one and you’ll eventually forget about this dud you had. 

sorry you married a dud. It happens. Lots of people get past it but it’s really hard on everyone.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

It's easy to day, forget her and move on. The work you need to do to come to that place, starts with acceptance. Accepting the fact that she no longer wants to be with you. 


> I filed for divorce 8 days later, emailed her explaining that I didn't want a divorce and told her if she signs, I then knew where her heart is. She signed within four days.


You could have stopped your post right here because it tells you everything you need to know about where you and the relationship stands. Once you make the declaration to yourself that it's over, then the beginning of your journey to achieve peace and happiness occurs. 

You know, we frequently encourage betrayed spouses to go no contact. It's very difficult to do at the beginning. I know it sounds odd, but her demeanor is actually helping you as she wishes for no contact and in order for you to proceed without her (as she's telling and showing you) is to follow her lead. 

You're in pain though and seek relief. I understand this. When immense pain is present and relief is sought, your brain is wired to obtain relief and your relief from your perspective comes from her. You're an addict and your addiction is your wife who's both the supplier and the product. 

Being the source of your pain, supplier and product means she's not who you should want in your life. Admit to this and understand this intellectually and heartfully. You are your only solution. Not her, her family or anyone else for that matter. Just you. Once you declare this is truth, you will be on your way. 

You have to see a self recovery that when it happens, will be one of the biggest accomplishments of your life. Embrace it and embark upon it. Challenge yourself and stand up to your desire for her and see who wins. Bet on you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Just gonna repost my comment from your other thread…

A few things:

1. Yes, she was cheating on you. I don't get how you didn't see that at the time but there it is.

2. Yes, she was likely using you for your income. Sucks but it happens.

3. Her "new relationship" likely isn't very new at all.

4. My mother told me a looong time ago that at the very instant you feel the need to refer to a woman as a "******, a "****", etc, you need to be done with her. Like immediately. With that in mind, it's time for you to put her, your marriage, her kids, her family, etc in the rearview and move on with your life. Just forget about them, don't talk with them, don't deal with them, don't go looking for any sort of apology for or admission to any of the above, because you're not going to get it. Accept that, take the lessons that came with it, and move on with your life. Let this be the first one:

5. Tons of people use participation in church as a cover for being ****ty people. Learn how to spot them. "Ye shall know them by their fruits."


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ask a moderator to combine this thread with your other one in General. It will present a better picture of what's going on.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She said it. She's closing this chapter and moving on, and that's best. When one person cares more than the other, you can't keep up a friendship. She's tired of dealing with this relationship, probably for many reasons, and now just one of which is she doesn't want to deal with your accusations and ire. 

I'm sorry for your loss. The best thing to do is accept it's over forever and mourn a bit and process it and get help if you aren't making any progress and then start your new life without her. Good luck.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I think she's avoiding you out of shame. She can't look at you without feeling bad. 

A lot of women look at good men as providers, but don't find them exciting. They spend their lives pining for some bad boy type to ride up on his motorcycle and sweep them away like in some crappy romance novel. But these women are conflicted, recognizing that they're _expected_ to settle down with the good guy. They _should_ love the nice guy. They try to convince themselves that they love the nice guy, but they just can't make it happen. 

I hope you find someone who knows herself well enough and values you for who you are.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Joseph22 said:


> raised her sons who are now teenagers.


You were a human wallet. It sucks, you probably thought you were doing the "right thing". She knew that and took full advantage of it. You are obviously intelligent, but maybe a bit behind on intersexual dynamics. Read/listen to a few books like No More Mr Nice Guy, Rational Male books 1 and 2, and The Unplugged Alpha. 

She's blaming you for all her problems, the only thing you did wrong as fall for her. Take some time and look back and you will see the red flags. If I had to guess, some would be single mom with young kids, no money, credit was crap, big sob story, etc.... At the very least you now know to run when you see someone like her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

We can easily see that it is over.

But over what?

What supports its flight?

A whim, a wish, a wisp of a fig.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> You were a human wallet. It sucks, you probably thought you were doing the "right thing". She knew that and took full advantage of it. You are obviously intelligent, but maybe a bit behind on intersexual dynamics. Read/listen to a few books like No More Mr Nice Guy, Rational Male books 1 and 2, and The Unplugged Alpha.
> 
> She's blaming you for all her problems, the only thing you did wrong as fall for her. Take some time and look back and you will see the red flags. If I had to guess, some would be single mom with young kids, no money, credit was crap, big sob story, etc.... At the very least you now know to run when you see someone like her.


Or a fig wasp.

What's the Deal With Fig Wasps? (tasteofhome.com)


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When one is left for another...

You can easily see its over.
But, over what?

What supports that flight?
A whim, a wish, a wisp of bliss, that hope-against-hope, might.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

"Sexless marriage for a good year or more. "

???

Why do you even care for her??

Did your vows include "To have and to hold from this day forward."?

Somebody cuts you off for a year and you stick around?

WTF!?!?

Action Plan:

1. *You are co-dependent.* Stop being co-dependent. Become Independent.

2. *Take her off of all financials, wills, credit cards, insurance, etc.*

3. *Get checked for STDs.*

4. *Google No More Mister Nice Guy as a pdf.* Its free.

5. *Google the 180 for hurt spouses.*

6. *Stop trying to figure this out.* She dumped you. Its over.

7. *We can't give you any magic advice to get a Wayward spouse to return. * It doesn't exist. If she returns, it will be because she wants to or he dumps her. If you wish to extend your misery, that is on you.

8. *Get on with your life and be strong and act with honor*. Let her remember you that way.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

How did the two of you meet?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

since she did not become a US citizen....i assume you brought her here with the hopes of getting her citizenship. 
sounds like she was using you for THAT. she was sticking it out long enough to get the citizenship, and either found another man to marry to continue on that path, or simply did not feel it was worth it to stick out the marriage to become a citizen.

A lot of women come here, marry, and as soon as they become citizens and have legal standing to take your money in a divorce, they run off. 

not sure why she cut and ran before the payday, but something odd happened.

is there any chance she was married in another country, and did not tell you, and her real husband finally made it here?


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## Joseph22 (Nov 22, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> since she did not become a US citizen....i assume you brought her here with the hopes of getting her citizenship.
> sounds like she was using you for THAT. she was sticking it out long enough to get the citizenship, and either found another man to marry to continue on that path, or simply did not feel it was worth it to stick out the marriage to become a citizen.
> 
> A lot of women come here, marry, and as soon as they become citizens and have legal standing to take your money in a divorce, they run off.
> ...


No, she was here since 16. Never married and had a visa. After 3 years being with me, it expired. I found out she had someone else. Hud it well. It’s a simple case of branch monkeying to someone better.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Joseph22 said:


> No, she was here since 16. Never married and had a visa. After 3 years being with me, it expired. I found out she had someone else. Hud it well. It’s a simple case of branch monkeying to someone better.


Monkey branching fails more often than it succeeds. Unless the guy she hooked up with did not know about you, he will likely drop her when she's no longer officially yours because what he wanted was to steal another man's woman. He was not likely looking for a permanent relationship.

She'll still be without that visa and stuck without a marriage.
Just don't be her plan b


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Joseph22 I would seek counselling for you.


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