# I May Have Posted In The Wrong Forum Before



## Wednesday (Jun 16, 2010)

My husband and I have been married almost 3 yrs. He is 44 and I'm 41. We've both been married once before, and all children are almost grown. (his youngest is 13, lives with mom) We've both had bad relationships in the past. Trust is a somewhat shaky issue for both of us.

I was married to my first husband 20 yrs, so it wasn't a short term thing. He had some personal problems, got hooked on prescription painpills and became emotionally unattached and violent at times. I tried to help him. I tried to tell him that we needed emotional connection. He was deaf to my pleas. I ended up leaving him, for another man who was "there for me emotionally". That didn't work out. My current husband left his own wife under similar circumstances.

Fastforward to now. I love my husband so much. I go out of my way to make sure he doesn't have a reason to not trust me. And I've not been talking to anyone else - I learned my lesson the first time.

The thing is, he has become more and more emotionally unavailable recently. LOT of life events. He lost his job, we lost our home, moved to another state, he has a custody battle. Major things that are certainly weighing on his mind. But.... I am here for him. I love him, and keep trying to tell him that we've got to have the emotional connect thing, or it's not going to work, and he doesn't hear me.

He used to talk out problems with me, listen when I needed him to, and made me feel like I was number one in his life. Lately, not so much. And it's been feeding my already -massive insecurities. I've tried everything that I can think of to "reach" him.

I don't have family to talk to. I don't have friends. And I'm getting to the end of my rope. How can I get through to him before it's too late?


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I think some people go into emotional overload and just shut down when dealing with so much. Maybe he would just like to spend some time with you not thinking about all of life's worries. Try to spend some good time together without letting all the outside BS in. Who knows, you could end up being the ray of sunshine he needs at this time.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Wednesday said:


> How can I get through to him before it's too late?


Counseling. Don't think you can do it alone. Don't think you know how. Get help and ask him to get help.


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## Wednesday (Jun 16, 2010)

scarletblue said:


> I think some people go into emotional overload and just shut down when dealing with so much. Maybe he would just like to spend some time with you not thinking about all of life's worries. Try to spend some good time together without letting all the outside BS in. Who knows, you could end up being the ray of sunshine he needs at this time.


I wish it were that easy.


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## Wednesday (Jun 16, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> Counseling. Don't think you can do it alone. Don't think you know how. Get help and ask him to get help.


We have no insurance and no way to pay for counseling. Honestly, I'm not even sure if he'd go....


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You can find counseling for a low cost if you make the effort. Consider it this way: can you really afford a divorce? 

Start with your church if you have one. Contact the county offices and ask about free clinics of all types. Look into any nearby university for training programs where a therapist-in-training works with you but is overseen by an experienced therapist so you will get the benefit of both. 

And go by yourself if he won't go. It sounds like you have a pretty low threshold for tolerating the discomfort of this situation, and that may be an issue in and of itself. You've only been married 3 years and "recently" things have changed; are your expectations realistic? Are your fears unrealistic? What is so awful about waiting through this, supporting him as best as you can, letting him know you are happy to talk--or not--as the case may be? It sounds like you fear the emotional connection might fail and are ready to jump ship before it even does. I'm just reacting to the way you wrote and may be misunderstanding. If my questions help you figure out why you are so distressed (in what does not, at least as far as I can tell, sound like such a horrible situation), good. If not, ignore me!


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## Wednesday (Jun 16, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> You can find counseling for a low cost if you make the effort. Consider it this way: can you really afford a divorce?
> 
> Start with your church if you have one. Contact the county offices and ask about free clinics of all types. Look into any nearby university for training programs where a therapist-in-training works with you but is overseen by an experienced therapist so you will get the benefit of both.
> 
> And go by yourself if he won't go. It sounds like you have a pretty low threshold for tolerating the discomfort of this situation, and that may be an issue in and of itself. You've only been married 3 years and "recently" things have changed; are your expectations realistic? Are your fears unrealistic? What is so awful about waiting through this, supporting him as best as you can, letting him know you are happy to talk--or not--as the case may be? It sounds like you fear the emotional connection might fail and are ready to jump ship before it even does. I'm just reacting to the way you wrote and may be misunderstanding. If my questions help you figure out why you are so distressed (in what does not, at least as far as I can tell, sound like such a horrible situation), good. If not, ignore me!


Thank you so much for your input. You're right, I do have problems trusting things will work out, and I know that's something I need to work on.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

Hi Honey. There is so much in your situation similar to mine it is spooky, and my last few months have been filled with so much despair.

I've realised after what feels like an eternity of bashing my head off a brick wall that I cannot change how he is, but I CAN change me and how I react to him. At the moment - struggling with his detachment and indifference - I know that I need to grow a thicker skin and a backbone. That won't happen overnight. i have good days and bad.

But to survive this I believe you must do more for you and be more for you. take pride in what you do even if you receive no recognition. Work to your own standards. Stop trying to be a people pleaser and do what you feel is right.

I have been shy to post here but I have shamefully lurked for a few weeks here, and I have learned so much from the many wise and experienced people on this site. You could do worse than hang out here and learn. Its helping me.

Good luck in your journey and I wish you the very best.


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## cami (Jun 13, 2010)

Hon, I understand. My mom passed away in January, my dad a few years back. My "sister" well, she's not into talking with me at all to say the least...so I have no family left except my husbands and now we are seperated.

I have three close friends that I have leaned on so much that they are tired of hearing about it all. And one even told me that in those words. 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm sorry anyone has to. I KNOW how it feels to seperate and to be lonely, scared and devastated (see my posts). I even know how it is to be the one who caused the final straw before a seperation...not good. 

My hubby refused counseling too and that is okay. He doesn't have to go. I am going for myself. Because the more I work to make me the person I want to be, the happier I am and the more secure in myself, the more he will notice what is happening and maybe just maybe that will make him stand up and want to get back together, and even if not, I'll be happier for it in the end. I found a counselor through a friend, he is a mediator in relationships, but said that he would be willing to work with me. I only pay 10.00 per visit and he doesn't even bill my insurance as this is something he normally doesn't do. I tell you this simply so that you know they are out there, the counselors that will help and do so for a sliding fee scale or a low cost. You just have to hunt around a little for them. That way, this option is there for you if you wish to pursue it. 

Also, my pastor has been counseling me as well...simply because I need to have a few visits a week at this point...still new to this seperation thing myself. But he counsels me on different things than does the other. He is more toward the religious and faith aspect of my healing, which was greatly lacking as well. Plus, he is a friend to both me and hubby, so he actually talks with hubby from time to time by phone to see how he is and if he wants to talk. He offers the option to him as he does to me. Just to leave that line open to hubby as well. That is nice.

Please know that I will think of you and that I am here if you need to talk, just pm me. No problem.

Cami


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