# So confused! (Kind of long)



## Neeve (Nov 3, 2011)

I guess I'll get right to the point...my fiance wants sex all the time and I could go without it. In the beginning, as with all relationships, I was into it. But now I dread it. We were both our firsts and neither experienced. I try to keep up with his libido with oral sex, but there are only so many blow jobs a girl can give. I like him holding me and rubbing my back and other semi innocent things, but as soon as he goes for my boobs or downstairs I get annoyed and want to pull away. Our sex life sucks. I don't think it ever has been good.

For example, the other night, I was reading before bed and he wanted to have sex, so he finally talked me into it, but instead of any kind of foreplay to actually try to get me into the mood, he says, "suck my ****"...I was completely infuriated. (Should I have been?)

I think I love his personality. He is hilarious, makes me laugh all the time; generally a good guy. Except...when it comes to the bedroom. 

He doesn't turn me on at all and I don't think it is his body. I mean he isn't in the gym all the time, but he isn't really overweight. Every time he tries to initiate sex I think about how frustrated I will be after he is done and leaves me hanging. 

We have talked about it a lot. We have argued about it a lot, but nothing seems to be changing. When I express my hesitancy for sex because of the frustration I feel he either says one of two things: that all I say is no to him, OR, I'm to difficult to get off. I try to tell him the things I like and don't but he doesn't seem to be listening or just ignoring them.

After all of that jibber-babber; my question is this: am I wrong in my feelings? Am I being inconsiderate that I do say no more than I say yes and that is the reason we have a bad sex life, or is it something else? I have been considering leaving before we get married. SERIOUS doubts. Is this something we can work through, or are we just not compatible?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How often is "all the time"? How often do you turn him down? How often do you have an orgasm when you do have sex? How old are the two of you?

A healthy sex life is an important aspect of a marriage. Most people, when they decide to get married, have some kind of assumption about what that means. The two of you need to understand each others positions, and work out a solution. Otherwise frustrations and resentments will grow and spread to other aspects of your relationship. I suspect you're already starting to see that, on both sides.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Neeve (Nov 3, 2011)

PBear said:


> How often is "all the time"? How often do you turn him down? How often do you have an orgasm when you do have sex? How old are the two of you?
> 
> A healthy sex life is an important aspect of a marriage. Most people, when they decide to get married, have some kind of assumption about what that means. The two of you need to understand each others positions, and work out a solution. Otherwise frustrations and resentments will grow and spread to other aspects of your relationship. I suspect you're already starting to see that, on both sides.
> 
> ...


Just holding me gives him an erection. As for sex in general ; every day. I turn him down a lot. I'd say we have sex about once a week. 

I'm 21 and he is 29. We are eight years apart. 

Yes we are seeing the negative impact on the rest of our lives. I can barely deal with the quirks he has, like throwing his dirty clothes everywhere and all of his shaving hair on the counter. Things like that are really starting to drive me crazy. On the other side, hes starting to say all I do is ***** (which I'm sure I do) Does this mean that its pretty much over?

I am not quite sure how else to talk to him about things to get him to understand where I am coming from. He either gets defensive and throws things in my face (figuratively), or makes a joke out of the things I'm saying.


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## danjensv (Nov 1, 2011)

He doesn't turn you on at all? How do you mean? You're knees don't get weak at the sight of him or he doesn't take the time to get you warmed up?

Honestly, I don't know how women can be turned on by men at all. I mean I've seen a few guys that are just beautiful, but most of us are just kind of blech! I'm not a woman then am I?

Kind of sounds like the honeymoon is over. I'd start evaluating why you're in the relationship. Maybe, its worth salvaging, but there's a lot of issues brewing.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No, it doesn't mean things are over. But it is a sign of the path you two are headed down until things are resolved. It will probably only get worse over time until something or someone snaps.

Honestly, your husband's reaction and sexual drive doesn't sound unusual to me. But his approach is not going to get him where he wants to be, as he's acting like an azz. Heck, I'm 44 years old, and I'm usually sprouting wood as soon as I kiss my GF. And we have sex anywhere from 4 to 7 times a week. But the big difference is that we've found a level that we're both happy with. Neither of us feels like we're being pressured, taken advantage of, or deprived of affection. You two have to find your level.

Have you two looked into counseling? Sometimes, it can be easier having an impartial referee there. And you can also learn some communication tools that will help you going forward. 

Why were you "into it" to begin with, but now you dread it? Is it something he's doing? Not doing? What's changed? How long have you been together?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Neeve (Nov 3, 2011)

danjensv said:


> He doesn't turn you on at all? How do you mean? You're knees don't get weak at the sight of him or he doesn't take the time to get you warmed up?
> 
> Honestly, I don't know how women can be turned on by men at all. I mean I've seen a few guys that are just beautiful, but most of us are just kind of blech! I'm not a woman then am I?
> 
> Kind of sounds like the honeymoon is over. I'd start evaluating why you're in the relationship. Maybe, its worth salvaging, but there's a lot of issues brewing.


No, he doesn't turn me on at all. When he goes to kiss me I kind of tense up. Hes noticed it before and said something. But I don't know how to get past that. I am not even sure why I do it. Hes told me before that he thinks I'm a lesbian, but I know I'm not. Any advice on how to approach the subject without him instantly closing me down?


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## Neeve (Nov 3, 2011)

PBear said:


> No, it doesn't mean things are over. But it is a sign of the path you two are headed down until things are resolved. It will probably only get worse over time until something or someone snaps.
> 
> Honestly, your husband's reaction and sexual drive doesn't sound unusual to me. But his approach is not going to get him where he wants to be, as he's acting like an azz. Heck, I'm 44 years old, and I'm usually sprouting wood as soon as I kiss my GF. And we have sex anywhere from 4 to 7 times a week. But the big difference is that we've found a level that we're both happy with. Neither of us feels like we're being pressured, taken advantage of, or deprived of affection. You two have to find your level.
> 
> ...


As I said, we were both each others' firsts. I waited just because I was young and I wasn't ready. He waiting because he didn't want to have just casual sex, he wanted it to mean something. I suppose I was into it partly because of that infatuation stage, but mostly because I really love him. That was four years ago...ish. Now though, after a sickness that messed with my hormones and has made me clinically depressed (but better now) I still don't want to have sex. He doesn't make me feel special. He makes me feel like I'm there to please him and when he's done so is everything else. Sex has become work. Besides the fact that I constantly feel guilty because I know he wants it so much.

As for the counseling thing, hes already veto'ed that a few times. I really don't know what else to try. I feel like I am on a downward spiral that will end up with me leaving him.


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## danjensv (Nov 1, 2011)

Neeve said:


> No, he doesn't turn me on at all. When he goes to kiss me I kind of tense up. Hes noticed it before and said something. But I don't know how to get past that. I am not even sure why I do it. Hes told me before that he thinks I'm a lesbian, but I know I'm not. Any advice on how to approach the subject without him instantly closing me down?


No, sorry. That's a big problem. You gotta ask yourself why you do it. Is he physically unattractive? Is it just his demeanor or attitude. Is it you? Maybe he's not your type? Is it physical or emotional?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Neeve said:


> No, he doesn't turn me on at all. When he goes to kiss me I kind of tense up. Hes noticed it before and said something. But I don't know how to get past that. I am not even sure why I do it. Hes told me before that he thinks I'm a lesbian, but I know I'm not. Any advice on how to approach the subject without him instantly closing me down?


Speculating based on what you have written. You don't feel valued or respected and likely as a result you don't respect him in return. You're tensing up when he's lovingly approaching you. I'm sure you already know this isn't just about sex. He desires you, and wants to be close with you but perhaps he is a selfish lover. Before even heading down the path of giving any words that address that .....I'd suggest you need to work on the things outside of the bedroom that have you closing up first. I think this is about needs not being met. You likely have needs that he either doesn't realize/forgotten and your desire for him is diminishing.

There is opportunity for you to both work through these things. For the time being, bring your mindset back fully into the marriage. Figure out what it is you really need. Consider if they're reasonable expectations. Share with him. Approach from a calm, helpful "I want us to get on the same page" perspective rather than from attack/self-pity mode. 

This doesn't mean if he does x for you, that you then suck him off. Sex shouldn't be a bartering tool (unless it's done in a kinky way perhaps!). Back to the sex for the moment though: it sounds like you need more sensual intimacy and foreplay. I'd suggest perhaps you taking the lead and showing him how great that can be ......[default forum response approaching] with using a blindfold, or tying his hands to the bed post. Kiss and lick him all over, making him wait before you give him oral. Or perhaps you tease him with your mouth everywhere _but_ there and (assuming you're comfortable with this and sorry for the description) you sit on his face, make him pleasure you before giving him oral pleasure. Teach him there are different ways of being with you. Just a thought. I'm doubtful you're in the right mind-space for this yet though, cringing when he comes to kiss you etc. 

Take time to reflect on how you can help yourself, the relationship, and what your expectations of him are first. It will take time for your desire to return. My vote is to hang in there and really try to work out where you're at. Chances are if you move on without giving it your best try and really understanding what's happening for yourself, you're going to encounter the same thing again. Best wishes.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

Neeve said:


> I suppose I was into it partly because of that infatuation stage, but mostly because I really love him. That was four years ago...ish. Now though, after a sickness that messed with my hormones and has made me clinically depressed (but better now) I still don't want to have sex. He doesn't make me feel special. He makes me feel like I'm there to please him and when he's done so is everything else. Sex has become work.


This seems pretty straightforward. You were into sex until you had a sickness which messed with your hormones and neurochemistry. Your sex drive has not returned because your hormones and/or neurochemistry are still different than they were prior to your sickness. Because you believe love motivated your sexual desire you are misinterpreting a problem with a biological cause as a problem with an emotional cause. 

What sickness did you have?
Are you taking birth control or any psychoactive drugs?


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## Neeve (Nov 3, 2011)

ren said:


> This seems pretty straightforward. You were into sex until you had a sickness which messed with your hormones and neurochemistry. Your sex drive has not returned because your hormones and/or neurochemistry are still different than they were prior to your sickness. Because you believe love motivated your sexual desire you are misinterpreting a problem with a biological cause as a problem with an emotional cause.
> 
> What sickness did you have?
> Are you taking birth control or any psychoactive drugs?


I have Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome...basic rundown is that your hormones are completely out of whack causing all sorts of problems. Birth control to regulate my hormone and Zoloft for the depression it has caused. I have been on them since July and don't feel any different in the sex department. The depression has lessened until recently. 

Am I just over-reacting? Should I just chock this up to my meds and get over it? I don't know.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Zoloft can have HUGE sexual side effects. I recently came off an antidepressant and the sexual side effects were insane on my drive. I went from horny all the time to once every 3 days and orgasming wnet from easy to almost impossible some days.

Masterbation went from a few minutes 1 to 3 times a day to impossible and no sex drive for the first time in my life since puberty at the highest dose. At a mid range dose it was difficult.

The reason for this probably lies in the disorder or depression. Your relationship may or may not have issues too. Depression messes everything up.

It may be virtually impossible for you to orgasm and that may not be his fault.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Birth control and anti-depressants lower libido. But there is more than that going on here. 

I always wonder if a person should marry their 'first'. The average woman marries at 28 or 29 years of age these days, I think there are very good reasons for that.

I think you are too young to be making a long term commitment. There is too much uncertainty. 

Do you feel that he cherishes you? Do you feel that your needs are important to him? 


It seems that he is unable or unwilling to change his ways, and seeks to blame you if there is a disagreement. Bad sign!. Picking up one's clothes and cleaning the sink for your partner are signs of a mature, considerate person. Also his approach to sexuality sounds immature and childish. That would turn most women off. 

You are right to feel that there area a lot of red flags here.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

How did you find such an old thread? 

I have noticed a lot of old threads being dredged up the last couple of days and was just wondering how that happens?


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