# Is it normal while you are in R to swing between....



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

wanting to stay with your spouse and make it work and then that same day think **** it..I am done!!

I just find that the majority of my days are like this...my mind starts racing and thinking this is ridiculous why am I staying with someone that cheated on me by having an EA and lied about it for months...and then the next minute I feel more positive and want to work it out. Please tell me this is normal and will subside over time...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Yes. It's called the emotional roller coaster. Its quite normal unfortunately. And yes, it goes away with time.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

This is what makes an EA so hard. If it was a PA, a lot of us would pack our bags and throw out the idea of 'working it out'. Noone ever plans for a EA, and as much as the lying, love you chats, and disrespect that goes on behind your back, she never crossed that line physically. It leaves us torn with our own principles. If you cheat, you are gone.... but wait, she didn't cheat that way..... 

It's very normal.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

I feel exactly the same way after an EA turned PA.
Hoping it goes away with time too.


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## Cat3CatGirl (Jun 19, 2012)

My H had a PA and is the one on the roller coaster. His coaster is due to PTSD / MLC and started before the affair. The coaster made him weak enough to expose himself to the potential for an affair, and guess what - it happened. 

Although we are together now (going on 2 weeks after a 6 month separation) and in both marriage counseling and individual counseling, he still somewhat struggles with the roller coaster.

Best of luck dealing with yours!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Yes, it's normal, and it's ok to feel that way. Think of it as you getting your power and control back over your life - you get to make the choice whether you want to stay or not, what comes next in your life and how. You are evaluating, every day, every minute what you want and don't want. You are making the choice. YOU are making the choices. YOU are in control over your life now.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Aristotle said:


> This is what makes an EA so hard. If it was a PA, a lot of us would pack our bags and throw out the idea of 'working it out'. Noone ever plans for a EA, and as much as the lying, love you chats, and disrespect that goes on behind your back, she never crossed that line physically. It leaves us torn with our own principles. If you cheat, you are gone.... but wait, she didn't cheat that way.....


Ugh....exactly....!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Normal, yes. Have those moments quite often. Is R worth it? Why did she do it? It is like treading water hoping you can reach out and grab something to rest and be safe. Hope that time does bring healing.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yup. Unfortunately it's normal. It does get better though


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## Zippy the chimp (May 15, 2012)

Your love for them makes you want to stay and rebuild the relationship, your pride and ego screams how can you stay with someone who could betray you so completely. Happens everyday the feelings last for hours or just minutes I found it is worse when I am by myself (work alone most days) and it does feel better when she is around to comfort and recenter me, of course then some of the things she says or even seeing her can trigger the mind stuff.
Think of it like running a marathon you may feel good one mile but the next is pure hell, the next 5 miles may be that way but if you keep going stay focused you will win, of course everyone finishes at their own pace.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Normal, This is why it may be wise to wait a decent time before commiting to R. See how you feel whenthe fear and trauma are less intense.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Zippy the chimp said:


> Your love for them makes you want to stay and rebuild the relationship, your pride and ego screams how can you stay with someone who could betray you so completely. Happens everyday the feelings last for hours or just minutes I found it is worse when I am by myself (work alone most days) and it does feel better when she is around to comfort and recenter me, of course then some of the things she says or even seeing her can trigger the mind stuff.
> Think of it like running a marathon you may feel good one mile but the next is pure hell, the next 5 miles may be that way but if you keep going stay focused you will win, of course everyone finishes at their own pace.


Very insightful. you nailed it Zip. i live in an apartment during the week away from my family so I do not have my wife around to recenter me. But you really nailed it.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Some days I need her to hold me and ease my weary mind,
others I can't even look her in the eyes.

I also find myself just watching her sleep... I stare at her body.... 
thinking to myself "this person.... did that.... to us... for what?" 

I can't believe it. It can't be true. 

But I know it is... 

It's hell.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Very insightful. you nailed it Zip. i live in an apartment during the week away from my family so I do not have my wife around to recenter me. But you really nailed it.


Chimps are smarter than most humans...


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am going through the same thing right now. I have been trying to write my feelings down in the morning and later in the day. The rest of the day I try to stay off the negative. 

This has allowed me to re focus on my job. There are so many of us here that are going through the samething.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Absolutely normal. Sorry you are here.Take care of yourself and the direction will eventual come at the end of the rolle coaster.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Yep,you cant believe they betrayed you,the one person that you trusted 100% to always have your back,who can you trust now?
The one that inflicted so much pain is the one you go to for comfort...sounds so messed up.
It gets better slowly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

cantthinkstraight said:


> some days i need her to hold me and ease my weary mind,
> others i can't even look her in the eyes.
> 
> I also find myself just watching her sleep... I stare at her body....
> ...


exactly


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## LittleMiss13 (Mar 7, 2012)

What you are feeling is very normal. I have days where I rehash everything and wonder why I stay with this man and then there are others when it hardly even crosses my mind. Best of luck to you!


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## EverRain (Jun 6, 2012)

I feel the same way.....when my WH notices that I am feeling down he is all over me reassuring me, that he loves me....I feel a bit better after but I can't get all the - "if you really loved me, you wouldn't have done what you did" - thoughts to go away.

So yes, that is exactly what I am experiencing as well, I am scared that these thoughts will never go away...


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## Zippy the chimp (May 15, 2012)

cantthinkstraight said:


> Some days I need her to hold me and ease my weary mind,
> others I can't even look her in the eyes.
> 
> I also find myself just watching her sleep... I stare at her body....
> ...


I have copied and printed this to give to my WS, she does get the pain that I am in everyday but sometimes words from others carry a lot of weight.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

Zippy the chimp said:


> Your love for them makes you want to stay and rebuild the relationship, your pride and ego screams how can you stay with someone who could betray you so completely. Happens everyday the feelings last for hours or just minutes I found it is worse when I am by myself (work alone most days) and it does feel better when she is around to comfort and recenter me, of course then some of the things she says or even seeing her can trigger the mind stuff.
> Think of it like running a marathon you may feel good one mile but the next is pure hell, the next 5 miles may be that way but if you keep going stay focused you will win, of course everyone finishes at their own pace.


Good post.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I change my mind numerous times within an hour and I'm nine months out from D-Day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Afraid so HW. Im having one of 'those' days today as a matter of fact. Hoping for a better tomorrow. Hang in there. My rule right now is if there are more good days than bad, I stay....


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## Zippy the chimp (May 15, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> I change my mind numerous times within an hour and I'm nine months out from D-Day.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can't say that I have changed my mind, doubts sure all the time, worried that in 6 months or a year I will feel the same just about every minute but I won't know til I get there so I am not going to give up. My WW did say she would wait as long as needed for me to make a decision about staying, but I told her several weeks ago I am staying, too leave any doubt in her mind or mine if it was over would hinder our R if we are working on this then I want 100% commitment from both of us.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

It is awesome to know that I am not alone..sometimes I think I am going crazy. Like this morning I woke up and felt such anger and sadness and thought..that's it I am done, I will call a lawyer and book an appt. and be done with it...and then an hour later and since then I have felt fine..calmer. 

I think for me it is the lack of trust I have for him, the anger about what he did, the sadness about what he did, etc. etc. I still honestly cannot believe that the person I knew for 24 years had an EA..it is mind boggling. To go from trusting someone wholeheartedly to now checking and verifying everything...seems so strange and foreign.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> I change my mind numerous times within an hour and I'm nine months out from D-Day.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is what I was doing. Also, after the second revelation in the middle of what I thought was a good recovery, things really changed for me. 

During the first R I was determined to work on the marriage. After all everyone is entitled to one mistake. 

After the second revelation about the men's clubs and the porn sites while we were reconciling, I lost hope of ever regaining my trust in him. 

I never imagined he was into any of that type of stuff. In fact he claimed to think it was for losers. I was truly shocked and had to question my own judgment.

I would love to know who is helping me out by sending me the information about STBEH. I would really like to thank him or her and also ask how much more he/she knows about STBEH.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Actually it is completely normal, and the more positive things and memories and whatnot that you associate with your spouse, the more the emotional roller coaster settles down. For example, if you two were to go off and have a weekend that was "I just REALLY like your company" weekend...go do fun things, have some carefree sex with each other, etc....you'd associate positive thoughts and feelings and memories and the coaster would flatten out some. If you start a negative thought or feeling and stop yourself...and say OUT LOUD one of your spouse's positive things (like "Well he JUST got up and brought me coffee today. And he just called to say he loves me.") then you begin to stop the DOWN part of the coaster. 

It does even out over time when both parties are trying, because over time you start to re-associate good, happy, loving things with your spouse again. Right now you have some good memories and some pretty (okay VERY) painful memories all associated with the same person...and the painful ones are more recent.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I think I am feeling this too - although I am not sure. I just posted on one of my threads - that we are 3 months into R after his 5 month online /4 day PA. I thought I did the right thing and smart thing when it all blew up and I didn't lash out at the OW and expose her and I tried to R on the fast track. He screwed me over - is remorseful now and has made major changes, but I have become angry again - want to kick the crap out of him and fill some void that has been left in me. I want our marriage, but I still can't wrap my mind around how he could do such a thing and create such a web of lies. I hate her for obvious reasons, but did nothing back. I feel like I hate him and love him at the same time, but what am I supposed to do - how can you hate someone when you are trying to R and want to be in a marriage with them and want your family and want a future? I thought I was doing good, but am on the roller coaster again - it just hurts. I have been doing better, and we have been doing better, but here I am, trying to work through this mess and keep us on the right track while I deal with my feelings about it all.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> I think I am feeling this too - although I am not sure. I just posted on one of my threads - that we are 3 months into R after his 5 month online /4 day PA. I thought I did the right thing and smart thing when it all blew up and I didn't lash out at the OW and expose her and I tried to R on the fast track. He screwed me over - is remorseful now and has made major changes, but I have become angry again - want to kick the crap out of him and fill some void that has been left in me. I want our marriage, but I still can't wrap my mind around how he could do such a thing and create such a web of lies. I hate her for obvious reasons, but did nothing back. I feel like I hate him and love him at the same time, but what am I supposed to do - how can you hate someone when you are trying to R and want to be in a marriage with them and want your family and want a future? I thought I was doing good, but am on the roller coaster again - it just hurts. I have been doing better, and we have been doing better, but here I am, trying to work through this mess and keep us on the right track while I deal with my feelings about it all.


Same here. 

The trust will forever more be the issue. No matter how many positive activities I filled our days with, there was always that nagging doubt.

I was always thinking is he thinking of her when we have sex? Is he still seeing her. 

Those feelings were starting to die down and then I found out more lies. 

The scary part was wondering where the lies would end and what else he had lied to me about. 

I mean a cheater is obviously a liar. 

I am not talking about white lies, either. I am talking about lying about serious backstabbing deceitful behavior.

Also it didn't help that two weeks after DDay when he promises no contact, he did contact her again to ask how she was doing.

Here I was figuratively bleeding from an open wound in my heart and soul and he is worried about her safety. That really hurt. It spoke to the depth of his emotional concern for her.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

That is like with me..I think that because we had two DD's..that a part of me wants to hold onto the anger..I think if I knew without a doubt that there was zero contact I would be able to move ahead better. But honestly the only people that know with 100% certainty is her and him. So that is where some of my "power" to move ahead is lost....I have to trust him..and yet ironically my trust in him is lower than low right now.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

highwood said:


> That is like with me..I think that because we had two DD's..that a part of me wants to hold onto the anger..I think if I knew without a doubt that there was zero contact I would be able to move ahead better. But honestly the only people that know with 100% certainty is her and him. So that is where some of my "power" to move ahead is lost....I have to trust him..and yet ironically my trust in him is lower than low right now.


I really understand.

Your case sounds a bit different than mine, so you should hold onto hope and continue R.

In my case, after 20 years, the man whom I thought was always there for me was more concerned about the OW after DDay.

There was also a lot more deception in my case, sex, hidden bank accounts, credit cards, expensive dinners out, vacations, etc. 

That's a lot of lying deception and covering up.

I really can't understand why he now wants to stay married. Nothing has changed as far as who i am, really.


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## Barnowl (May 31, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> I really can't understand why he now wants to stay married. Nothing has changed as far as who i am, really.


This sounds similar to my wife and I. It kills her that I could do this awful thing to her, and to our marriage. It frustrates her that I didn't want to be there for her 100% before she found out about me cheating. Now I am in 110% every single day. It is going well, but the "Why couldn't you have done this before?" question is just rolling through her mind day after day. I don't have a good response either...except that I love her madly, and want to share the rest of my life with her. The rollercoaster of reconciliation is a rough ride to say the least.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Barnowl said:


> This sounds similar to my wife and I. It kills her that I could do this awful thing to her, and to our marriage. It frustrates her that I didn't want to be there for her 100% before she found out about me cheating. Now I am in 110% every single day. It is going well, but the "Why couldn't you have done this before?" question is just rolling through her mind day after day. I don't have a good response either...except that I love her madly, and want to share the rest of my life with her. The rollercoaster of reconciliation is a rough ride to say the least.


Thanks Barnowl:

Based on the information about your situation that I have read, you are behaving a lot more remorsefully and regretful than my STBEH was.

If you continue, your wife will likely regain her trust in time. 

Studies show it takes a minimum of two years for full trust to be regained and any further betrayals either emotional financial or physical will bring you back to square one.

I really do feel their is hope for you. Even just thinking about why you couldn't have given 110 percent instead of having an affair is a good sign, IMO. 

I do think you know the answer, but you don't want to confront it. 

Think about the why more, please. 

Your wife needs to know the answer to that question so she can move forward. 

Still, even without a firm answer for her, I do think you two will recover, if you stay faithful and transparent. 

Best wishes, my friend.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

I'm 9 months post D-day and I'm still vacillating.

It drives me crazy sometimes. One minute, I love him and can't imagine my life without him. The next minute, I'm thinking that I don't even know him so how can I love him?! And then I'm Googling lawyers and reading about Divorce.

It's insanity.

But as the other posters, have mentioned, it seems par for the course.

So I'm riding it out for now.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

The same rollercoaster applies to the decision NOT to reconcile of course

These things are not black and white decisions for most people I think , everything is a big sea of grey

I'm sure there is a 'grass is greener' element too when you makes these tough complicated decisions. Whichever one you choose seems to be the harder one at times. I'm sure those doing R often think it would be easier to just to throw the towel in. And people like me seriously considering a permanent split think about how much easier it would be to accept things and carry on with the same life

I look at my cheater now and sometimes I want to throw myself ON him and then a couple of minutes later I want to throw something AT him. Both feelings are really powerful. Good job the kids are usually around to stop me doing either


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## EverRain (Jun 6, 2012)

BarnOwl - it sounds like your wife and I are going through the same feelings...

Keep doing what you are doing to reassure her, this does help alot. And if you come up with an answer to her question let me know because I have asked my WH the same one? He just says because he was stupid!


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## Barnowl (May 31, 2012)

After counseling and reading way too much here, I feel that I know the answer, and I told her my answer last night. I was not able to give her 100% of my emotional availability because I had spread it out to other women. 

She told me that sounds so stupid, and that I should have stopped talking to other women, but I am convinced that I was either in the fog, or just too selfish and stupid to realize that if I would have stopped and devoted 100% to my wife I would have had the marriage I always wanted.

She didn't like that answer, but I feel it is an honest one. You only have so much emotional capital you can invest. If you are spreading out too thin, then how can you fully invest in your marriage? You can't. Now that there is no one else, the no contact has remained, and I am being truthful and transparent, I have the full 100%+ to give to her. It is both a good thing for her to recieve 100% of my devotion, but it also bothers her knowing that I could have been doing this all along,a nd I chose to cheat instead...


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Zanna said:


> I'm 9 months post D-day and I'm still vacillating.
> 
> It drives me crazy sometimes. One minute, I love him and can't imagine my life without him. The next minute, I'm thinking that I don't even know him so how can I love him?! And then I'm Googling lawyers and reading about Divorce.
> 
> ...


Sounds exactly like me!!

Like I said if I know 100% that there was absolutely nothing going on then I think I would have less of that emotional upheaval..but I think it is in the back of my mind...that yes what if I am being played, what if this what if that...so that tends to kind of play in your mind.

Sometimes he tells me that it is like I am frantically trying to find further information against him but he doesn't get that it is not that I want to find anything but I don't want to be played for a fool again..like I was for 6 months or so.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Barnowl said:


> After counseling and reading way too much here, I feel that I know the answer, and I told her my answer last night. I was not able to give her 100% of my emotional availability because I had spread it out to other women.
> 
> She told me that sounds so stupid, and that I should have stopped talking to other women, but I am convinced that I was either in the fog, or just too selfish and stupid to realize that if I would have stopped and devoted 100% to my wife I would have had the marriage I always wanted.
> 
> She didn't like that answer, but I feel it is an honest one. You only have so much emotional capital you can invest. If you are spreading out too thin, then how can you fully invest in your marriage? You can't. Now that there is no one else, the no contact has remained, and I am being truthful and transparent, I have the full 100%+ to give to her. It is both a good thing for her to recieve 100% of my devotion, but it also bothers her knowing that I could have been doing this all along,a nd I chose to cheat instead...


If my STBEH just once admitted that the affair was selfish, I might still consider reconciliation. 

Keep doing what you're doing. 

Your wife will ask the same questions a million times. That is normal. 

Again, studies show two years at a minimum before trust is regained.

Also, she will never again trust you 100 percent, but you need to accept that as a condition you created. 

IMO, if you keep doing what your doing you two will most likely recover.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

....and I think too that the thought of experiencing triggers for a long long time is less than desirable as well...as long as I am with him for many years to come..anytime I see an attractive asian lady and I am with him I will trigger, anytime I hear someone mention SIngapore or the Phillipines, or Filipino...etc., etc. I just know I will get the feeling in my gut and honestly I do not know if I want to spend years experiencing that because of him...

It seems so stupid to have triggers for things that before meant absolutely nothing to me. Now if we are out somewhere and an attractive asian lady walks by I think hmmmm..what is he thinking, is he thinking about his EA...I hate it!!!!!!!

Even if I am by myself I findmyself thinking good thing H isn't with me..she is kind of cute what would he think of her??? How ****ing stupid!!!!!


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Highwood - that is exactly it! You don't want to find anything more and pray that there is not, but being betrayed makes you want to protect yourself and not be fooled again. I had 5 DDs over my WH's affair...he admitted when he said he wanted a divorce in December, then went back and forth twice in December, once in Jan (I thought that was it...thought the others were it too), then fessed up again in March that he was talking to her again but that he was totally done for good. I told him that he is the little boy who cried wolf - at what point can you fully believe someone who has betrayed you so badly over and over, even if they do a 180 and become transparent and remorseful? All his crying before March was guilt. I think now it is remorse, but I can't fully believe even though we are in R until more time has passed. There has to be a time when final contact is final contact, but how is a BS to know for certain? 

My WH bought pay as you go phones - 3 times, so his intent I belive was to stop, but he didn't and went and bought another. He had other email accounts and another facebook account - so even though he gave me all his passwords, deleted the email accounts and FB page, threw away the phone, how am I to know for certain? At what point can you belive a promise even as much as you want to? 

I can't track a phone like that. I can't find email accounts he creates on that phone, so how do you know without taking a leap of faith or staying just a bit on edge...until when?


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

highwood, I understand your frustration all too well.

I'm angry because I too am constantly being triggered because of something my H chose to do all on his own.

And all this has affected not just my mental health but my physical health as well. I've lost weight and I didn't have any to lose. My hair is falling out and I can't sleep through the night anymore. 

It's infuriating that so much of my life has been stolen. Even my mind doesn't seem to be my own anymore because it's been infected by the memories of his A and his betrayal.

I just want to feel like me again and sadly, I don't think I will ever be the same because of what he did.

That's hard to make sense of BUT I hope that someday, time will help heal some of my wounds.

But I do understand all to well what you are going through.

It just plain sucks (for lack of a better word).


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

You just don't realise how fundamental trust is to life until its broken 

You can patch it up but I really believe you can never restore it fully. Like repaired antiques, you might not be able to see the glue but its still worth a lot less than one that was never broken in the first place

And even getting to the repaired stage is a long process


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

highwood said:


> ....and I think too that the thought of experiencing triggers for a long long time is less than desirable as well...as long as I am with him for many years to come..anytime I see an attractive asian lady and I am with him I will trigger, anytime I hear someone mention SIngapore or the Phillipines, or Filipino...etc., etc. I just know I will get the feeling in my gut and honestly I do not know if I want to spend years experiencing that because of him...
> 
> It seems so stupid to have triggers for things that before meant absolutely nothing to me. Now if we are out somewhere and an attractive asian lady walks by I think hmmmm..what is he thinking, is he thinking about his EA...I hate it!!!!!!!
> 
> Even if I am by myself I findmyself thinking good thing H isn't with me..she is kind of cute what would he think of her??? How ****ing stupid!!!!!


Your triggers are not stupid, Highwood. Just hearing you say that makes me send you a hug. 

I trigger every time I see a 35 year old, plump, over done blonde with a pageboy. 

It's not the person that bothers me, but the fact that I imagine him looking at that blonde and lusting after her, even now that we are separated and I have filed for divorce.

I am so totally different looking. I am tall and slim with long straight brown hair. 

It makes me wonder if he was ever attracted to me or lusted after me the way the emails show he lusted after the OW.

He never talked to me the way he talked to the OW. He never acted the romantic type with me. With her he did. 

It was so confusing.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I know it is hard to deal with...I think I will always wonder if he now has a curiousity about asian women...because his was just an EA..does he wonder what it would be like sexually with an asian lady. Some men find asian women very intriguing...is he now going to be thinking hmmmm..what would it have been like sexually with this person? 

When we were at a restaurant about 3 weeks ago there was an attractive asian lady and I noticed the odd time he kind of glanced her way (my husband was never the type to ogle another woman he would be just inclined to glance at them occassionally)...I found my anxiety rising...I mean is this what life is going to be like now with him..wondering if I am enough for him??? Wondering if he is thinking about his OW or just thinking wow asian women seem very sensual to him now...maybe it ignited something in him.

I mean I could think to myself well she was attractive so even if she was blond/redhead, etc. he still would have thought she was cute but now it is at a whole different level...now I am highly insecure with him and never was before his EA.


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## Barnowl (May 31, 2012)

Highwood - That is a hard place to be in. I certainly "affaired-down" as my wife is quite thin and beautiful, but the women I was with were large and unattractive. On one hand my wife was glad they weren't pretty thin women, but on the other hand, she told me I have no morals I would have sex with anything that moves...I don't necessarily know which situation is better or worse.

Good luck with the triggers though. Hopefully they will ease with time.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I hope they do as well...it is not pleasant by any means. 

I mean alot of men do find asian ladys very exotic and sensual...I realize that he wasn't setting out to find an asian lady but his EA was with one so now maybe the curiousity about them intrigues him..I have no clue! All I know is when we are together and we see one..my gut feels all nervous and my insecurity goes thru the roof.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Yellow Roses - OMG - "its still worth a lot less than one that was never broken in the first place". I have to put my head in a better place - that one kind of stings. IT is a harsh reality, and going through R you try to take what was torn doen and make something bright and new, something better - so I will focus on that, but what a gut check.

Sara - I think still why doesn't he talk to me the way he talked to her, like when we first met - but that is the whole newness of an affair. I know they talked about a lot of stuff, we never really went there. During the times I asked, he was dealing with guilt and still in contact with her, so when I asked, arguments started. There is a lot I still do not know, and a lot I do. He never told me much about her (she lives in another state), and when I asked specifics like about her family, he said he didn't know - find it hard to believe when you plan on divorciing your current wife to marry someone else. Anyway, that was all back before March. Since March, maybe I screwed myself over, and I know I have the right to, but I almost feel like I can't go back now and ask. I told him just this month to not apologize any more unless he has screwed up again. I told him that he needs to get over his self hatred because it is holding him back from giving 100% (even though he says that it does not and he is happy and wants us, but he just can't ever forgive himself for how he has treated me).


One of the things I brought up to him in March was that he never had a nickname for me - never - just my name - not even "Honey" or "Sweetie", he called by her shortened nickname and full name. They had a song - which came on the other day and he immediately pulled me aside and walked me out of hearing distance and hugged me even though I told him I was OK - was not the next time I heard it on the radio and I was alone. Anyway, I told him I wanted a new song for us. He has sent me lots of songs, but not "our song"yet. Wow, I feel like i am punching myself in the gut now. While he is doing things and made changes and done the transparent thing, there is still so much more I need. I think I may need a break from TAM again.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Lookingforthesun, sorry I didn't mean to make it sound so harsh

I just think its one of those things that will never be 100% perfect again, it doesn't mean you can't make it good enough though ((()))


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Yellow - don't apologize. People need honesty and bluntness to help them get out of a fog, funk, depression, whatever.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Ah bless you, I think you have to have realistic expectations if you go into R

I've done one, didn't work but we were clueless !

Just seen your story - similar to mine x


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

It is very normal to swing like that, my husband and I have been back together for 11 1/2 years after he had an affair both EA & PA with an asian woman from overseas.
I would say the first 2 years were the hardest, many times I felt like giving up, however, we battled through. It does get easier with time, however, if anyone mentions the country of the OW origin or we see an Asian woman it does make me feel uncomfortable still.
True, your marriage may never be exactly the same as it was, now there is a heightened level of awareness & a bit more watchfulness on the part of the BS, but you can still have a great relationship. The main thing is not to allow bitterness to come in & stay, I have seen this destroy couples who try R.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Bellavista said:


> It is very normal to swing like that, my husband and I have been back together for 11 1/2 years after he had an affair both EA & PA with an asian woman from overseas.
> I would say the first 2 years were the hardest, many times I felt like giving up, however, we battled through. It does get easier with time, however, if anyone mentions the country of the OW origin or we see an Asian woman it does make me feel uncomfortable still.
> True, your marriage may never be exactly the same as it was, now there is a heightened level of awareness & a bit more watchfulness on the part of the BS, but you can still have a great relationship. The main thing is not to allow bitterness to come in & stay, I have seen this destroy couples who try R.


Not sure if you have shared your story if not would you mind...or you can PM me if you like instead.


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## LookingForTruth (Jun 6, 2012)

Well, I just want to chime in and say I too swing between polar opposites of emotions and what I plan to do every single day, from one hour to the next, even from one minute to the next. It is exhausting and a hard place in which to exist.

I also identify with having to deal with triggers, my H never having a real nickname for me, us not having an "our song", wondering if he ever had the same kinds of thoughts about me that he had about the other women, and wondering why he has treated me differently than them (he wouldn't flirt with me, but he did with other women). Fortunately, that last one has reversed itself, at least when he is with me. He now flirts with me. If he still does with other women, it isn't when he's with me. It was really hard for me to see him heavily flirting with another woman, when up to that point, I thought he was a serious guy who simply didn't have that aspect to his personality. It really hurt to know that she had what it took to bring this out in him, but I didn't.

I now know that it wasn't any inadequacy on my part, only his. Back then, he wasn't able to fully appreciate the woman he already had in his life - me. However, it also goes much deeper than that, as far as his inadequacies. That's only the one I want to mention right now.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

YellowRoses said:


> I just think its one of those things that will never be *100% perfect again*, it doesn't mean you can't make it good enough though ((()))


I sort of disagree there.

The real truth is that it never was really 100% to begin with.
Certainly not if it led up to what happened.

I'm in the same boat, but I try to look at it as I have the chance
(through rigorous R) to have a brand new, appreciative wife.
One that listens to what I have to say, someone who truly loves 
me for who I am. 

Sure, I thought I had that before, but then she cheated.

So in my mind, I may have thought it was 100%... but it never really was.
There's a chance that we can have a better relationship after this.... if that's what we both want and strive for.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I agree - it was never 100%. My WH had 2 other cheats under his belt during our marriage - only 1 I knew about and forgave him - took me about 3 years to fully get over that which is why we waited so long to have children. I wanted to make sure that we were solid before bringing innocent lives into our marriage. 

I read another thread this morning about red flags....looking back, I know that 90% of our arguing was because he was carrying around guilt, and I can think of a time that it got so bad and I brought up divorce because we argued about everything and I believe that was the same time he cheated the second time. I could not understand why he was so hateful and cold and could not take it and told him we should divorce and he said no and to never say that again. 

I asked him once why he stayed all these years if he was going to be a cheat, and he said that he knew he messed up and then put it in his head that he would never do it again and would fix himself.....only to happen again. I wonder if this time, faced with consequences, with children involved and realizing just how much and how many lives an affair can destroy, if this has given him the dose of reality he needs. He said he knows this time is different - that he is remorseful, humble, devestated himself at who he is and what he has done...

So he has made changes and gone transparent and has been better, but I still feel like there is something missing...maybe I just want more now, more than he is capable of giving me. I want him and I want our family, and maybe I just need to give it more time for us both to work through our feelings. If he was willing to divorce me for her, maybe it is taking him longer to work through even though he does not admit it. I know part of what I am feeling now is anger again, so hence my posting on TAM again.

I am hoping that he can come to terms with himself and we can make it 100% this time around.


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