# She's lost that loving feeling...



## PDJOVER

Hi, 
I'm new to this forum (former lurker) but need some advice. I'm 41, my wife is 37. Together 13 years, married 11. We had a almost 2 year old daughter when we got married. Daughter is now almost 13, have an almost 10 year old son. We never had an actual rlationship before my wife became pregnant.

I started hearing rumors in my small town that she was spending a lot of time with another man. I confronted her on +2/12/08. She said that their was nobody else, but that she wasn't happy. I eventually got the I love /you but not in love with you talk. I have always worked weekends as a bartender as well as my full time job. One of the biggest issues she stated for her change of feelings is that I always worked during her families functions, i.e. weddings of nephews or cousins, but would take off to go with friends. I usually do a weekend each year with my friends. I also spend a lot of time visiting my friends in the bar, usually after the kids are ready for bed. She also said that she felt that I was embarrassed by her before we became pregnant, and that she was my second choice. 

Since the news on 2/12 I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I have completely stopped drinking, am staying at home, and helping around the house more. I have been trying to show her through my actions that she is the most important thing in my life. She says that it is to late, and her feelings can't change.

We had a long talk on 3/9/08, and she agreed to give it a little time to see if she can regain any feelings towards me. I know that no physical affair has occurred, but am extremely worried that she has feelings for the other man. I know that I can survive without her, but can't imagine what that would be like. Financially we can't afford two households, so one of us moving out at this time is not an option.

p.s. We do plan on going on a movie date on Sat.

Any advice or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.


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## Amplexor

Sounds like s familiar story for lots of spouses. You have missed being there for your wife for along time. It will take a long time for her to accept your “changes”. This is not an overnight thing and it could take months, maybe a year or more. Strap in for the long haul and make sure you commit to your changes. Also make sure you can live with them from here on out. Don’t crowd or smother her. Let things take a natural course and don’t push for answers. That she is willing to give it time is good. Time is your ally not your enemy. If she is involved in an emotional affair that will complicate it. You’ll need to try and better understand that relationship. It might be detrimental to your own but you will need to accept it for a while until you really know what it is. If she is in an emotional affair she will have to end contact with him in order to move back to you. These things can work out, keep your faith. Good luck


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## PDJOVER

Amp,
Thanks for the quick response. I would be very difficult to eliminate all contact with this gentleman. We live in a villiage of 283 people, and they are both on the first responders (ambulance) squad. In addition, he works at the school and drives school bus. At this point I don't think she has told him any of her feelings, or if there even are feelings.

Pat


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## draconis

Hold hands when you go out. Trust me little things make all the diffence in the world. Laugh with her, look her in the eyes. Hugs and kiss if she is receptive to them goes the extra mile.

COmmunication is the key. Let her know that you want to fix things, that you are willing to listen to her and that you wish she had told you the things troubling her earlier before she had to question the marriage.

draconis


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## PDJOVER

Thanks draconis,

I have been trying to implement more hugs, gentle kisses and hand holding. I feel like she may be giving hugs and small kisses out of pity, not feelings. I was never much for PDA's before, now I just want to hold her all the time. She also said I had to quit cuddling as much at night, as I was keeping her awake. I feel like all is lost and don't know if we can come back

Pat


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## Amplexor

If you have changed your habits quite a bit (hand holding, cuddling) then she probably isn’t ready for it. Too much too fast. Take your time with this and ease into it. This will not fix itself overnight. Take things slow, don’t dote or smother her. She is going to need time to reattach. Let her know you love her in acts and words but don’t overdue it. She may just pull away further. Give her some time.


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## PDJOVER

Thanks for that advice. I know that is what is happening, I just can't seem to stop. This morning when she said not to cuddle so much, that it was strange after all these years. I told her that I just felt like I had to reach out and remind myself that she was still there.

Pat


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## PDJOVER

Here is something I didn't include im my pror posts. About a week ago, I changed the billing on our cell phone so it would show all numbers called and received. My wife always looks at the bill, so I guess I wanted a chance to see how often her and the OM? were talking. The cell company sent a confirmation letter, which my wife got yesterday. When she asked, I denied that I had changed the billing, and saisd that it must have happened when I was online paying the bill. I felt awful for invading her privacy, and told her about it when I got home tonight. Of course, she allready knew the truth. I fear that this invasion may have caused even more damage to our R.

Pat


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## draconis

PDJOVER said:


> Here is something I didn't include im my pror posts. About a week ago, I changed the billing on our cell phone so it would show all numbers called and received. My wife always looks at the bill, so I guess I wanted a chance to see how often her and the OM? were talking. The cell company sent a confirmation letter, which my wife got yesterday. When she asked, I denied that I had changed the billing, and saisd that it must have happened when I was online paying the bill. I felt awful for invading her privacy, and told her about it when I got home tonight. Of course, she allready knew the truth. I fear that this invasion may have caused even more damage to our R.
> 
> Pat


Why shouldn't you know?

draconis


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## PDJOVER

I guess I dion't know why I should or shouldn't know. I just feel that their iis probably only the start of feelings between them, and that by prying (ie. Do you have feelings for him?) and invading her privacy that I'm pushing her towards him. Plus, even though their seemed to be no anger when we talked after work, she wouldn't talk or say much of anything when she got back from bowling, or this morning.

Pat


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## PDJOVER

On a brighter note, since everything blew up I have greatly improved myself. I have completely quit drinking, quit my second job (I know, too late) been staying home, and started eating healthier. I have gone from 304 pounds to 280 pounds and lost 4 inches off my waist. I'm determined to be a better father, husband (if I can save this marriage) or SO in any future relationship.

PAT


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## Amplexor

Seeing the detail on the phone bill is fine. But denying you changed it was a mistake. Trust is one of the things you will both need to develop in all of this. Make sure the changes you are making are lasting and that you can live with them forever. It may take her time to accept them. This is not a quick fix situation. Also you need to know what her feelings are for TOM. It affects your marriage. Be calm, understanding and don’t get emotional about it when you speak. Great on the weight loss. Keep it up. Good luck


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## PDJOVER

I have always gotten along fine with TOM. I feel that their would be no issue here if I had met more of my W's needs. As far as the changes go, the drinking and the second job are easy. I feel an intense amount of resentment towards both activities, because I feel it was my embracing them above my family is what brought me to this situation. The weight may be harder. I have always been heavy, but I believe my beer drinking had a lot to do with my current size.

Thanks again for all the responses,
Pat


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## PDJOVER

A small update. We both got home about the same time last night (both worked) and had about a 1/2 hour convcersation about our days and the kids. No R talk whatsoever. When I told her goodnight, she rolled over and gave me a small kiss. I still don't know if this is something she wants, or is just doing it because she knows I want it. This morning, I went to give her a small kiss, which she returned, but she seemed very hesitant. 

I also asked her again if she wanted to go to a movie Sat. and she said she didn't care. It would have been a lot nicer to hear a better affirmation.

Pat


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## draconis

I think the conversation meant something to her. In the morning she may not have wanted to seem to eager as she might be afraid of things going back to what they were.

Read though these forums and see how many times someone changes for two weeks or even a month. Granted she might need to change too, however it sounds like she want to make sure you are emotionally there for her.

The ho-hum for sat may just be a protection for her. Give it until sat and see how it goes.

draconis


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## PDJOVER

Draconis,

Thank you so much for being here for myself and the other posters. It means a lot to know that you have someone to talk to. I apologize for all the posts, but I plan to continue updating as part of a type of log for myself.

And with that, not much conversation tonight. She seemed very sad or drained. She took my daughter to a dance, and then is going to a candle party. Hopefully she will be a little more responsive when she gets home.

Pat


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## draconis

Be keen to ask her about the party and the candles. What scents she likes and what they remind her of. Always good to use the day to increase communication.

draconis


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## PDJOVER

Well, it looks like it is over. When we left for our movie date tonight she just reached over and took my hand and told me her feelings weren't going to change. She has looked into an apartment. I have no idea hoew we are going to break this to the kids. I just know I need to be strong for them. I think there might be some depression issues as well. She dropped me off at the house and left to stay at her mom's. She didn't even come in to talk to the kids or say goodnight.

Please give any advice if you think there is still any hope of winning her back.


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## PDJOVER

Another question for the masses. As of now we have 2 checking accounts, 1 which is hers and 1 which is joint. Their is hardly any extra cash in either. Would it be prudent for me to open a seperate account for my direct deposit?

Thanks,
Pat


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## Amplexor

PDJOVER

I am so sorry to hear this. It must be devastating. In answer to your question, if divorce is the only option you should start to divide the assets. My heart goes out to your kids, good luck.


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## PDJOVER

Amp,
I don't know if it's completely over or not. We had a nice talk and a soda at the loacal bar together this evening. I still think that anything she has with an OM is strictly emotional. Still as hurtful, but maybe not as hard to get over as a full blown affair. I'm trying to give her some space and see if the grass may not be greener. (God, I'm full of cliches.)

We've decided to wait to talk to the kids until she has more of an exit strategy, and we have the schedule for visitation worked out. One thing in my favor right now is that she can't afford an apartment, and I can't afford one and the house payment. I feel that the longer she is around home and sees my positive changes, the better the chance she will think about the consequences.

Now for the bad news, she has a First Responders meeting tonight and the OM? will be there. She said she plans to go out for a couple of drinks afterward. (She is Irish) I feel a lot more at peace with myself tonight, so I didn't make it an issue. I am going to go to my friends bar for a while and hang out. I was sure to tell her so she would know not to go there. She did say she may go out with her best friend, but I will have no way of knowing.

Pat


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## Amplexor

Being the husband who has gone through the emotional affair pain, let me tell you, you can get over it. Try and see things from her perspective and see what made her vulnerable to the affair in the first place. Don’t lose yourself in this. She has hurt you too and needs to make amends if the marriage is to work. Your plan sounds about as good as possible. Have you discussed counseling? Good luck.


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## PDJOVER

Amp,

Thanks for all your responses and wise advice.

I have asked about counseling a few times, but she says that we have allready talked about everything and their is no point. I just responded that no we haven't and let it go at that.

Pat


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## draconis

If it is over then it is over. Try to keep the divorce civil for the kids. Look to things that will help you out and relieve stress. The gym is a perfect place because you feel better about yourself, helps with health, looking better and it actually releases chemicals that make you feel better.

draconis


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## PDJOVER

My W and I are still living together, and seem to be getting along a little better. No relationship talk, just discuss the day to day things. It seems to me that she is getting home a little earlier sometimes. I don't want to just give up on 13 plus years, but can't seem to get her to say anything but her feelings can't change. 

I truly believe that now that I've seen how badly my keeping to myself was hurting her, we can make this relationship better than iy ever was. I will continue to try to be as present and as loving as I can, without pressing to hard.

Pat


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## PDJOVER

My W and I told the kids about the coming separation on Sat. night. Does anyone have any children based web sites for them to utilize?


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## swedish

Someone pointed out this link in another post. It's an article on telling your kids:

Explaining Divorce to Your Kids

I'm not sure of any online support for kids, but where I live has some support groups specifically for kids whose parents are going through divorce, through the park district and/or YMCA.


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## PDJOVER

Thanks Swedish


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