# Roommates or not



## bewildered (Feb 1, 2010)

My wife and I are going through something like this with a few important differences. We have been married for 15 years and had ups and downs, but had always been intimate. 

About 6 months ago I noticed that she was pulling away from me little by little. She would make up excuses to not have sex, the "not tonight dear, I have a headache" thing. I would ask her if we were OK and she would say yes. She stopped calling me to while she was at work just to talk like she used to. (I was a sounding board for her and she liked my advice.) When I would say "I love you" and it wouldn't be returned is when I had had enough. I got pissed and confronted her and told her something was wrong and come out with it. She admitted that she hasn't felt the same about me for sometime and didn't know if she even loved me anymore. It floored me. Maybe I'm a naive person, but I never expected this. She then kind of shut me out. She even said she didn't know if she wanted to work out our problems! WHAT! She didn't KNOW if she wanted to save 15 years of marriage?!? 

I decided to look more closely at a few things like her cell phone bill. Lo and behold one number came up way over the rest. More than double my cell or the home number combined. It was a male co worker. I confronted her and asked why all the calls to this married man. She said she had "feelings" for him. I then introduced her to a new term. Emotional Infidelity. I told her she cheated on me just as surly as if she had slept with him. When she shut me out and reached out to him it was cheating. We were in the process of moving out of state and she said she would stop contact with him and try and work things out in our marriage. 

Fast forward a few months and here we are not fighting, not being intimate. Just being roommates. She has said she is trying to make it to a marriage counselor, but hasn't yet. I'm left to wonder how hard is she trying. So here I am in limbo. I love her but I refuse to just be her roommate indefinfetly. She doesn't bring up our issues, ever. If we talk about our relationship its because I initiate it. How much longer should I put up with this? We have 2 children, 7 and 12, and if it weren't for them I would probably be out the door. I love her but I also have emotional and physical needs that aren't being met. 
I love her and want to be married to her so what’s my next move? Ultimatum? Separation?


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## kayla111 (Feb 4, 2010)

Hey Bewildered, I know how you feel on part of your story (the last paragraph is similar to what I'm going through). There is a post in here that I was reading today that I thought I'd pass on, it sounds similar to what you've experienced (I think?) and it is so inspiring!

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation-stories/1383-when-enough-enough.html

Hope it helps you....good luck!


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## bewildered (Feb 1, 2010)

Thanks K,
It always helps to find some who is going through the same pain and can dig out. It gives me hope.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you want your wife back, you will have to stop the affair. Hire a PI to get this guy's contact information, and call his wife and his parents (yes, parents). Let THEM give him h&ll for having an affair, and he may decide your wife is too much trouble. Also call your wife's parents and siblings and ask them to help you save your marriage by telling her they are not happy with her having an affair (if that is what they believe). 

They need to realize the affair won't continue to be fun, that they'll have consequences for it.

Once he's out of the picture, THEN you can work on the marriage. But you're wasting your time until he is.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Bewildered

Have you been able to verify if contact has stopped? If so, how long has she been out of contact with TOM? That will be part of the key to recovery. As long has she has someone else in her heart she will never see you in the proper light no matter your efforts. And if she has ended contact it will take time for her to get over him. Exposure is an option be you will need to be dammed sure there is something going on before you do that. If there isn't it could cause serious trouble in TOM's marriage and only serve to dredge up old nasty business in your own. IF it's over there is not sense in picking at old scabs.

If your wife is not doing anything to improve the marriage, please share with us what you are doing on a proactive basis. Dating, spending family time...??

Please give us a llittle more information. Good luck.


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## bewildered (Feb 1, 2010)

Amp,
I think she has stopped contact with TOM, only because I asked her and she said she isn't (and I trust her which I know sounds strange). The evidence I had through cell phone records isn't valid anymore because she has a new work phone she uses exclusively so trust is all I have. I have no interest in ruining the other guys marriage and I think even a hint of impropriety would do the trick. I think he got caught up in her advances and loved the attention. I asked my wife if she still has feelings for him and she said she misses his friendship. 
She has an appointment with a marriage counselor tomorrow, and I told her if the counselor wants us both there of course I'll go. So I think she is making an attempt to fix things. 

Here is where I'm having trouble. I still feel hurt and I think I always will. Things can never be like before with the specter of the EA and her rejecting me. I'm left feeling like the only depth of feeling I'll get from her is from guilt for what she has done and not for wanting to be with me. She doesn't desire me. Will she ever really want to be with me? Or is it obligation to the family unit. 

You've asked what have I done to help the relationship? First off, I found out about the EA 2 weeks before our 15th wedding anniversary. I still gave flowers, and a CD with a lot of old pictures of us first dating. I got nothing from her, not even a card. I was baffled. So I went online to find out how to get my wife back, and even bought some of the programs. All I have read talks about giving her space. Don't dote on her, (which I did heavily even before the issues.) Don't have any contact with her, which is impossible in my situation because of our kids. So I haven't done much of anything other than reassure her that I won't leave her. I won't call her while she's at work and she doesn't call me unless she wants me to do something, so we don't talk as much as before this mess. I won't ask her out, I won't even hint at sex or even flirt with her(which kills me because that kind of behavior used to be so much a part of us.) So I'm here I am waiting for some type of sign from her things are going to change. Right now she is a master of avoiding our issues. Sometimes it just blows me away she doesn't think about us very much. Its on my mind almost every minute of everyday. 

I’ll post about any information she may get from the counselor. 

Bewildered


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to marriagebuilders.com. They have a completely different opinion on how to get your wife back. And it is backed up by the site's founder, and his 30 years of practice counseling partners through affairs. You'll get much better advice than those other sites.

The first thing to remember is that, once a person gets into an affair, THEY LIE. To protect that high they get when around the other guy. So, when you 'catch' them, and unless you expose the affair - especially to his wife so SHE can stop him - they just hide it better, and LIE.

Good luck. You're going to need it.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

bewildered said:


> I think she has stopped contact with TOM, only because I asked her and she said she isn't (and I trust her which I know sounds strange).



While difficult to do trust must return to the relationship or you will forever be in doubt and it'll drive you crazy. Don't be concerned if your trust ebbs and flows a bit, that is normal. Something happened in your marriage you never expected to happen and the relationship has been robbed in a way.



bewildered said:


> I have no interest in ruining the other guys marriage and I think even a hint of impropriety would do the trick. I think he got caught up in her advances and loved the attention. I asked my wife if she still has feelings for him and she said she misses his friendship.


Good to recognize everyone makes mistakes and hopefully this was just a blip on the screen for both of them. If it is over then exposing the relationship would do little other than extract vengeance and the innocents in this (His wife and kids) could be hurt. It will take your wife time to get passed missing him. I watched my wife go through the same thing, the withdrawal and the hurt. It will get easier for you both at some time.




bewildered said:


> She has an appointment with a marriage counselor tomorrow, and I told her if the counselor wants us both there of course I'll go. So I think she is making an attempt to fix things.


A good step, counseling helped us but wasn't the total answer.



bewildered said:


> Here is where I'm having trouble. I still feel hurt and I think I always will. Things can never be like before with the specter of the EA and her rejecting me. I'm left feeling like the only depth of feeling I'll get from her is from guilt for what she has done and not for wanting to be with me. She doesn't desire me. Will she ever really want to be with me? Or is it obligation to the family unit.


You are correct, the marriage will never be the same but on the positive it can become stronger and better than it ever was before. In many areas ours is and there are other parts that are still a work in process. She can come back to you but it will take time. At the height of our crisis my wife said probably the most difficult thing for me to ever hear in my life. "The thought of you touching me repulses me." Hard words and they weren't meant to be hurtful, but that was where she was in her emotional core. It wasn't a physical repulsion, it was emotional. Today we touch, hold hands, hug and kiss several times a day. Our sex life has returned and she often initiates it which had been a problem for a long time before D-day. There is hope.




bewildered said:


> You've asked what have I done to help the relationship? ..... All I have read talks about giving her space. Don't dote on her, (which I did heavily even before the issues.) Don't have any contact with her, which is impossible in my situation because of our kids. So I haven't done much of anything other than reassure her that I won't leave her.


Doting will defiantly drive her further away but you can't completely withdraw from her either. I read Dodson's Love Must be Tough which draws on some of the things you state here. The biggest thing I drew from it was to rebuild my confidence as that is the trait that first drew my wife to me and it helped. Certainly tell your wife that you will do all you can to reinvest in the marriage but don't tell you you will never leave her. At some time in the future if the marriage doesn't improve you will be faced with that decision and she needs to know that. Also as strange as it may seem, that statement can be interpreted as controlling. You are throwing the complete burden of ending the marriage on her making her feel like she will be the evil one if it fails. I'm not downplaying her fault in this.



bewildered said:


> Its on my mind almost every minute of everyday.


All I can say is it gets easier.


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## bewildered (Feb 1, 2010)

Holy Crap Amp,
It is amazing how you can make me feel so much better about it all. You have credibility because you've been through it. Frankly if you hadn't, I wouldn't put much credence in what you offer. I will let you know how the session went with my wife when I talk to her. Thanks so much.

Bewildered


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## bewildered (Feb 1, 2010)

Just talked to my wife about her counseling session, now she wants to seperate. I'm very pissed off, I can barely stand to look at her. I asked if she wants me out she said we'll have to plan it. What do I do? Resist, go right away. I just feel sick.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Don't go off half ****ed. Be steady in your wishes to work on the marriage but don't beg or badger either. Be as casual and businesslike around her as possible. Was this the recommendation of the counselor?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do NOT leave your house! SHE wants out...Let HER leave.

Please, at LEAST do this ONE thing for yourself. Don't PAY for her affairs and selfishness. If she wants out, let her figure out how to pay for it.

And you do NOT have to go along with a separation! If she wants it, let HER do the work! Come on!

You're about to lose your marriage anyway, for once in your life, stand up for yourself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> Don't go off half ****ed. Be steady in your wishes to work on the marriage but don't beg or badger either. Be as casual and businesslike around her as possible. Was this the recommendation of the counselor?


 She is having an affair. Therefore, SHE LIES! 

Unless you hear it directly from the counselor herself, you can bet money she is LYING to you if she tells you the counselor said to leave.


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## bewildered (Feb 1, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> Don't go off half ****ed. Be steady in your wishes to work on the marriage but don't beg or badger either. Be as casual and businesslike around her as possible. Was this the recommendation of the counselor?


She said the counselor asked if she wanted to be in our relationship, and she said no. I assume that means she got the justification she needed.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You have choices here, and with the different choices come different risks. The kids are where to focus here--if you want and believe you can get past this, then it is worth taking the shot on trying to repair things. If not, then go--not in anger, but in the knowledge that YOU had the final say, you chose to let her go without a fight, because that is what is best for the kids. Living in a household where dad cannot get past something would be worse than living with parents who have that something between them. And not being able to get past it is NOT a weakness!! It's about who we are, and it is good if you know yourself well enough to say, Nope. 

If you decided to try to get past it, you begin by demanding she surrender her privacy so trust can begin to rebuild, and she needs to accept that this may take. . . forever? THEN you can begin to work on the issues that led to the marital breakdown b/4 the affair. It is just plain wasting time to try to fix things between you if she does not give up the OM. She will need time to get over that--3-5 months at least, but you can both be practicing new communication skills and other things that will help the marriage. You cannot expect her to get over the OM right away--well, it's not really him she needs to get over, it's that drug called "being in love [or lust]" She may get over it really quickly--S*hit,-what-was-I-thinking type of reaction on her part, but do not assume that in making decisions. 

Keep your needs and your kids' needs in focus and you'll find a good path. It's hard to do, b/c you may want to do things that are just plain bad for the kids (like, berate and belittle their mother.) You'll learn a lot about your self as you struggle to find this path, and you can come out of it a better person--not perfect ('cause ya, you will occasionally screw up), but stronger and well aware of your own strength. Good luck.


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