# Need some serious advice



## confusednc (Nov 12, 2011)

Hello forum, I am glad something like this exists...

I initially started this message saying that I made a mistake, but had to erase that because I haven't been able to convince myself that it was a mistake...

I have been married for just shy of a decade and have two young kids - 2 and 5. My marriage has been a little shaky for a while, but we have never talked about divorce or anything like that - just soldiered on. Both of us work a tremendous amount. My job has late hours and she takes care of the house/kids and is trying to start a business - and she's fairly successful. There is rare sex, mainly because I have lost interest. We spend a lot of time in the same house, but almost like roommates rather than husband/wife. This is not why I'm writing.

Last week I traveled to the west coast for business. Normally I keep to myself on such trips. This time, though, I decided to let loose a bit and live it up. I went out to a bar with coworkers that I don't know that well, but they are plenty fun to hang out with. Well, a few hurricanes later and I found myself working with a girl from the same company who I didn't know previously. She was into me and we were both very smashed. We both blacked out but I know we both woke up in my hotel room barely clothed. We were both too drunk to do TOO much, but still there must have been something going on. I don't drink very much - certainly not since college 10-15 years ago, so this was out of character for me.

The next day I thought I would just write it off as a fun night and get on with my life. Well, that has been much more difficult that I thought. I am home now and find myself withdrawn, uninterested and completely unhelpful with household chores, etc. Haven't told my wife and don't plan on it. Trouble is, I don't find myself all that sorry. Rather, I find myself constantly thinking about how fun the night was and also I can't stop thinking about the girl from that night. We have sent each other a few very benign test messages since then. Hopefully she is having an easier time moving on with things than I am. She is married as well, doesn't have any kids. 

I am probably insane and a complete a-hole for having the thoughts I am. It is not like I expect a new relationship to blossom out of a drunken fling, but I can't stop thinking about the idea of that night and the possibility of having more like them. I have even thought of asking this girl if she wants to meet for coffee or lunch just so I could ask her if she has had similar problems adjusting to being back at home. I just don't have anyone else to talk to since nobody else knows.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or had similar thoughts. How do I get back to my previous life? I know I didn't paint a pretty picture of it, but I never thought it was much worse than other relationships. My head has been spinning and I don't know where to turn. Any words of wisdom, experience, criticism, or advice would be greatly appreciated.


----------



## slowhoney (Nov 12, 2011)

that is bizarre...i had the exact same thing happen this last weekend but i'm not married. i've know this person for a while and there has been a chemistry betwix us for sometime.. finally he acted on it.. we had trist and it was really nice.. then he said he had to take care of his kids and he cant do to them what happened to him as a kid...ie divorce...and that we could be friends.. he said over and over how he and his wife have grown apart and hes not "in love" with her anymore... (after a 13 year relationship) so i respect his need to look after his family but i think he is unhappy at home and i have a gut feeling he is gonna call me in the future.. 

im guessing you are not happy in your marriage at this point.. have you talked to your wife about your marriage?


----------



## confusednc (Nov 12, 2011)

Something is in the air I guess. 

We haven't talked about our marriage in a divorce/separation way, but we have talked about feeling more like roommates than spouses at times. I think the events of last week are what are making me really question things. I am still hoping I will start to forget about them but am really confused as to whether or not that is really what I want. Never questioned things to this degree until last week. I don't know if either of us could really fathom breaking up with kids and all. But, i don't want this thread to turn into a "should be stay together for the kids" issue.


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I think you are normal.
Home life has no emotion, connection, sex.
Someone pays attention to you, and you liked it.

I would suggest you ask for advice on how to help your marriage, find out what the issues are, do what needs to be done to fix it.

Or ask for advice on how to get a divorce and pursue other women.

It's your choice. But I would bet money that you are in the "fog" and swept away by the excitement of someone new. Since you really didn't mention your wife a whole lot, just the buzz of what you did. 
You're hooked.


----------



## slowhoney (Nov 12, 2011)

perhaps getting some counseling on your own might help... to figure out deeper issues..it cant hurt.
but i have to say.. when you fall out of a relationship.. in my experience... its over.. when you're done and you're bored.. its over. thats just how i have viewed and gone thru it it and its soley my humble opinion.. 

i think when people start to feel that way they should let go and give the other person a chance for real love and or a different relationship.. seems more fair to both parties. make sense?


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

confusednc said:


> I have been married for just shy of a decade and have two young kids - 2 and 5. My marriage has been a little shaky for a while, but we have never talked about divorce or anything like that - just soldiered on. Both of us work a tremendous amount. My job has late hours and she takes care of the house/kids and is trying to start a business - and she's fairly successful. There is rare sex, mainly because I have lost interest. We spend a lot of time in the same house, but almost like roommates rather than husband/wife. This is not why I'm writing.


You are writing this post as if your life just happens all around you and, due to all sorts of things you have no control over, you wind up cheating on your wife.

First of all, you are a father with 2 very young children. Due to the fact that you chose to have these kids, it is up to you the Father and Man to create a family situation that nurtures and protects these lives you created. First and foremost you CREATE a romantic and loving connection between yourself and your wife. If your wife works a) to the detriment of her children's care and b) to the detrminent of her marriage, then that needs to be addressed by you the man. And if your hours and work schedule prevent you from being the present and supportive father and husband than you yourself has to fix this.

I think you get the picture. All these circumstances did not just happen. You created them. For the responsiblity of your children, uncreate these marriage killing scenarios and create a marriage that you intend.


----------



## madteach (Nov 25, 2011)

Hicks,

Wow, that was amazing advice!


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Great advice Hicks,

But I'm getting he's not sure he wants the marriage anymore.

I'm in a similar spot. Young kids, stressful job, bills bills bills, roomates feeling, no sex. But I know I love my wife and don't want it to end. I'm not sure the OP is there anymore. He sounds like his heart has moved on.


----------



## elli28 (Nov 18, 2011)

I'm new here - not sure if women can answer posts in men's clubhouse?? Apologies if not. 
OP, You're not insane or an a-hole, but I do think you should think about why that night meant so much to you. It sounds like your life at home has become mundane and dominated by responsibilities and obligations and somewhere along the way you and your wife changed from being best friends and lovers to being roommates and co-parents. In your night away you got to experience fun, freedom, that spark of connecting with a woman, and feeling desired as a man. Sounds like you haven't had that for some time with your wife and you have obviously missed it more than you realised. 

You may be withdrawing now because you feel resentful, seeing your wife and kids as the obstacle to the fun and exciting life that night represents. If so, this isn't really fair. You share responsibility for how things are in your relationship, and if she had time to think about it I'm sure your wife misses that romantic/sexual energy too and would be happy to work at re-creating it. 

My advice is:
1. Stop contacting the other woman for now. You don't have strong feelings for her. You just associate her with that exhilirating feeling of being wanted, not just needed. Even if you both left your marriages and ended up together, pressures from jobs, bills, kids etc would creep in and you'd be exactly where you are now. 
2. Talk to your wife about how much you miss her and how you want to connect with her primarily on a man/woman level, rather than a co-parent/roommate level. Tell her you are committed to trying to re-create that connection and ask her to commit to it too. If she agrees, set aside as much time as you can to just be together and protect that time from talk about day to day chores and obligations. Talk about what you like about each other, what you like about your life, great sex you had, great sex you want to have, what kind of future you see together etc and then start creating that life. 

You sound like a good man. I'm sure your wife will recognise that and get on board.


----------



## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Confused - same thing happened to me about 10 years ago. Our son was born....I was relegated to the very bottom of the pile. 

The first few months for any 'new' parents is tough...thing is, despite me doing all I could to help, my wife simply forgot about me. I was no longer her husband/lover etc I was the simply the one who worked shifts, came home, took over from her so she could sleep etc. 

A colleague at work started paying me some attention.... I was down in the dumps...'ripe for picking'. I'm a man... I was craving attention.... and I got it. Lasted about 18 months. 
I'm still married.

What you did, what I did was wrong.... If you dont feed a dog eventually it will do something 'wrong' like jump on a table to 'steal' food because it is so hungry... If you dont feed the dog can you blame it 100%............


----------

