# Don't know what to do.....



## farmgirl (Mar 15, 2009)

My husband and I have been married for 19 years, together for 21. We have 3 children together. My husband is a recovering addict, both alcohol and drugs and still fights the battle every day. 

Ten years ago he had an affair, said it was because of me (we had not had sex in a considerable amount of time) and we separated. After a couple of months of marriage counseling (that I have now learned he was drunk or high at most of the time) we got back together. Obviously 10 years ago, our children were very young, 3, 7 & 8. Now it is a bit different.

Last summer, I got fed up with the drinking, drugs, pot, lying, etc., and told him to get out. He started attending AA meetings and after 3 weeks I, (like a very sick person) let him come home. 

Anyway, since then, he has on occasion mentioned Al-anon or counseling to me and I have very much refused (again, like a sick person). Again, the sex has been almost non-existent mostly because I felt like it was just an act with someone who didn't know I was there, so why would I want to do it!

We've had a lot of great times, have no struggles with how to raise our kids, divide household chores. The two biggest fights are over money and sex. There is never enough money (certainly not for an addict) and most definitely not enough sex.

Okay, so about a month ago, we visited a restaurant for his birthday. One at his choosing that happened to be where a friend of his worked. A female friend, that I had met in passing once as he was helping her with a plumbing problem. She met us at the door (2 of our 3 kids were with us), seated and waited on us. Let me just say that after the previous affair, I know the signs to look for whether it be a physical or emotional attachment. This girl was overly sweet to him (okay it was his b-day) but kinda rude to me. When we left, I suggested that she thought of him as more than a friend and mentor (15-20 yr age difference) and that he might want to be careful. He got extremely defensive and told me I was crazy. Hint #1 that something was going on.

Then 2 weeks later, a complaint was filed by some students that there was an inappropriate relationship going on between him and this girl. Hint #2. Now, the complaining students were mad about an incident where they got in trouble but still....

Then 2 weeks later, I realize he is being extremely secretive with his cell phone (I checked late at night and it's locked so I can't look at anything, never had been before), his internet usage and pretty much just clammed up over things. Hint #3

Earlier this week, I discover he has a facebook page and the girl is 1 of 3 friends!! It is set to private so I can't see any messages, etc., just who his friends are. I was looking at it when he came home. 

He was furious, accussed me of spying, told me I was crazy and that he wanted a divorce. I asked about the phone and he snapped it in half, threw it in the trash. After several hours of arguing, we went to bed. When I thought he was asleep I dug the phone out of the trash, thinking I could take it to the carrier to see what was there that he didn't want me to see. 

Well, that didn't work out so well for me. Since the next morning he was frantically looking for the phone to try to put back together (does this make sense?) And, I finally gave it back to him. 

All this to say that, later that day, he packed up and left! Got a new phone (same #), looked at apartments (couldn't afford anything) and went to stay with a friend. 

He confessed to me today that he had drank that night and on another occassion since. I also realized today that he wasn't wearing his wedding ring and asked why. The response....We were separated and he no longer wanted to wear it!!

He swears there is no affair, emotional or physical. Does this sound right???? 

I really am at the end of the rope and don't know what to do. And, I feel so very, very ALL alone!! Help!!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

farmgirl-

There are a lot of issues here, but I'm going to stick to the one I know most about - sex.

You can't keep a man sex starved and expect him to keep his hands to himself; especially a man who has an addictive personality.

However, it's obvious why you don't desire him: he is making it hard to respect him, and resentment has built up in you. This is totally understandable. However, it's also chicken and egg: He is addicted to pleasure, and you deny him, so he looks elsewhere.

If you were more interested in sex, he might be able to use that as a substitute for the drugs/alcohol. This would then gradually cause an improvement in the relationship. You have to understand that an addict feels that life lacks pleasure, and so looks to chemicals to help out. By complaining about lack of sex he is indicating that sex is one of his pleasure-sources. Of course he does not deserve any sex, so you would have to be doing it initially out of love.

It's your move...


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## farmgirl (Mar 15, 2009)

I appreciate that and had never thought about it that way. We did have a long talk yesterday and got some things out in the open as far as our sex life and some of the reasons for the way it was. He still claims that there is NO hope and I say there is always hope. 

Again, thank you!! I'm looking for all the help and answers I can get!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

farmgirl said:


> He still claims that there is NO hope and I say there is always hope.


Speaking as a sex mad husband, I can tell you, he would almost certainly respond to the offer of sex... even if he is a little shocked. Just don't get pregnant if you don't want to! (I've noticed that women who don't do it often forget that the most likely time for them to get horny is ovulation time) 

How low had the frequency of sex got before he left?


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## farmgirl (Mar 15, 2009)

It's been months since the last time....like so many I can't remember but not over a year!! He's coming over today to do some work and visit the kids. I think he would think I had totally lost my mind if I initiated or tried to initiate sex. 

We have a scheduled counseling appointment for this afternoon that he just informed me he didn't want to go to. He's not saying he will never go but right now is so mad and angry with me that he doesn't want to go. Understandable I suppose but again, he is an addict that could probably use some additional counseling besides what AA gives him.

Any other suggestions???


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

farmgirl said:


> Any other suggestions???


Sex today!

Be warm from the moment he comes in the door, even if he is nasty to start with.

Or if you really want to blow his mind... say, I have an apology to give you...

It all depends how long you want to drag it out. But if you want my point of view, I simply would not stay in a relationship if one month had passed without sex. Even when I was being unreasonable, the longest it ever got was two weeks. That was a long time ago...


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## farmgirl (Mar 15, 2009)

Good Grief!!! I'm not sure I'm ready for this.....

I will try!!!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

OK, a question. If hubby weren't such an jackass, would you enjoy sex? Is he hot in any way?


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## farmgirl (Mar 15, 2009)

Okay, I'll back up here. I enjoy sex and I consider my husband hot. I don't enjoy just being the recipient or feeling like I'm just the meat available at the moment. Again, this is just one of many many issues. 

When I have been the one to initiate he always seemed turned off so I stopped even doing that and then just really had no desire to have sex because he wanted to, feeling that I was just the available person at the moment. In hindsight, I should have done it because I loved him and wanted to at least keep him interested. In a way I guess this was a form of punishment for the resentments that had built up in me over the addiction. 

Honestly, he is a good person, just an addict that is very sick.

Right now, I feel like, while he may be dry, he is not sober. He is blaming me for everything including his using....those are the signs that he is not sober, merely dry.

Am I making any sense??? And, as a man, can you see where my feelings were in all this??? Just need that male perspective...


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## Anna1974 (Mar 13, 2009)

Hey gril I hate to see you in so much misery! I know full well what its like to like with a sex addict. Its so hard sometimes but things can get better. With a good therapist and group councleing would help him out a ton! But he has to admit it and he has to want it for himself. He seems to be using you as an escape goat right now because he is scared and sick. There is hope to those who look to change for the better. 
Much love to you! let love rule!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

farmgirl said:


> Am I making any sense??? And, as a man, can you see where my feelings were in all this??? Just need that male perspective...


Your reactions are totally understandable and normal. It's what any woman would feel. But if you want to break out of this loop, "normal" won't cut it. You have to be super-woman. You just have to be the "adult" at the moment - one day in the distant future he might surprise you, but at the moment...

By loop I mean the cycle of action and reaction that passes between husband and wife. The loop normally repeats unless someone injects something new or unusual into it.


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