# A little help ladies - I'm losing interest in sex w/ the wife



## carras

We've been married almost ten years, together for over 15. two kids. she is still very attractive and sexy, but I'm bored in the bedroom. she wants to have sex more than I do and I find myself making excuses not to. We used to have a very good sex life (not the best, not the worst) but it plateaued years ago. I don't want to cheat but I find other women very attractive and desirable and the thought of being with someone new is very alluring.

I've considered swinging, but the thought of her with another guy isn't sitting well with me at all.

If you were my wife, how would you want me to handle this?


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## Mavash.

carras said:


> If you were my wife, how would you want me to handle this?


Stop making excuses and be direct about what you want. Saying you are 'bored' with no real solutions is a cop out.


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## 50shades

Wow. To start..i guess its good that you are looking for another way than just cheating. Swinging is not the answer and will not end well. I think that you need to talk to your wife. You love her for a reason and stated that you still find her attractive. Talk about how you can spice things up..but do it in a way that makes her feel sexy. You will get much further that way. Looking outside the marriage is WRONG!!!! If you dont think you can work it out..then either live without the sex, or leave the marriage. I am working on my marriage after my husband had an affair. You cant even comprehend the pain that this causes. Dont put her through that.


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## carras

Mavash. said:


> Stop making excuses and be direct about what you want. Saying you are 'bored' with no real solutions is a cop out.


If I had a solution I would offer it. The first part of the solution is communication and that's why I'm here - to at least get the conversation started in my head so that I can have that conversation with her.

As I mentioned in my post, I miss the excitement of someone new and different. I don't know how to get that with the wife. I know there's role playing and other things - and we've done all of that - but that has lost it's luster too. She has mentioned possibly wanting to be with another woman, but I know she wouldn't go through with it and she would be very jealous if I participated.

Just looking for suggestions.


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## danie12

carras said:


> We've been married almost ten years, together for over 15. two kids. she is still very attractive and sexy, but I'm bored in the bedroom. she wants to have sex more than I do and I find myself making excuses not to. We used to have a very good sex life (not the best, not the worst) but it plateaued years ago. I don't want to cheat but I find other women very attractive and desirable and the thought of being with someone new is very alluring.
> 
> I've considered swinging, but the thought of her with another guy isn't sitting well with me at all.
> 
> If you were my wife, how would you want me to handle this?


I would want my husband to tell me that he is board, that he wants to have a more exciting sex life with me, and that we would start working -together- on making our sex life exciting. Then I'd want him to actually follow through with the working together part. 

There's more to this issue than the sex, it's deeper than that. Sex is a surface thing that has direct ties to the subconscious (I think anyway) so some place inside of you...probably buried...is the real issue. That's where you need to go. Preferably with your wife.


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## Mavash.

carras said:


> I miss the excitement of someone new and different.


Why did you get married?

And you need to be honest with your wife that you feel this way.


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## danie12

Inviting a 3rd party is a bad idea. It's going to make things way more complicated for both of you. Feelings will be involved because sex is emotional and I'd think that either a man or a woman would start to catch feelings for you or your wife. It's playing with fire.


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## karma*girl

Hi, thanks for posting-you'll get really good, honest advice from everyone here.

I've been with my husband for 19 yrs. total, he says he sees me as sexy & attractive as well.

If I knew he was so dissatisfied with our sex life that he was entertaining the thought of other women & swinging, I'd feel HORRIBLE.

It sounds as if you have not been open with her? Communication is the only way we are ever going to hopefully get what we need in a relationship.

I'm assuming she is getting the hint that something is up, since you're making up excuses for not having sex with her. That's rough for a woman..(& a man!)

You're going to hear from the Men's Clubhouse that you should count your lucky stars that you have a willing & able woman at home. So many men do not.

At this point, first off you need to count your blessings & appreciate what you DO have.

Next, talk with her about it. Who knows? Maybe she is JUST as dissatisfied, right?

What if she had a conversation with her friends that you overheard, about your sex life together- she's saying your drive is too low & you are boring in the sack. You'd be thinking WTH??
You'd most likely wish she'd tell YOU these thoughts, as that's the only way to address them & get anywhere good-together, TOGETHER...read, noone else involved.

Including others just F's everything up- ask anyone here. This is a marriage forum, we advocate strong, healthy relationships..there is experience here where outsiders have been introduced into marriages & it just doesn't wind up well. Period.

Talk to your beautiful wife. Tell her you love her, think she's amazing & mention something fun you want to try with her. is she not adventurous?
What do you want to have happen with HER? Either way, time to knock off the 'other women' thoughts.

Those thoughts are diluting the passion IN your marriage which is where it should be.
Focus on her. Focus on your marriage. 
You absolutely need to start talking & proactively make things happen!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash.

Because I don't think you heard me. Stop making excuses and lying to your wife. Tell her the truth. Right now she is feeling incredibly rejected by you and it's not fair that she doesn't know why. If you no longer want her then let her go so she can find someone that does.


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## sinnister

Mid-life crisis? You have a wife who has no problems sleeping with you. You are so far ahead of the game it's not even funny.


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## carras

I've tried spicing it up and she certainly tries, but isn't very enthusiastic about it (lingerie, movies/porn, role play, toys, costumes, pole dancing classes, etc.). I love her dearly and know that it's not right for me have what I want her to be deprived of what she wants.

I really think she and I are just "wired" differently and though I love her in many, many ways, sexually, we just aren't a great match. I don't want to hurt her feelings but don't know how to say it without doing so. I don't want it to ruin/end our marriage - I also don't want to get to a point where we wait for the kids to leave the house and then we part ways - I love her and am in love with her, but my sexual needs/desires are different than hers. 

I know that she feels unsatisfied because she wants me and doesn't get enough of me. I make sure to please her every time we make love and she always reaches orgasm first, but we just don't do it frequently enough (once every two weeks - I know, other guys would kill to be in my situation).

I will not cheat - some of you are misunderstanding my desire to be with other women as automatic infidelity. I am determined to make this work - that's why I am here.


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## carras

sinnister said:


> Mid-life crisis? You have a wife who has no problems sleeping with you. You are so far ahead of the game it's not even funny.


It's so funny to hear the woman's perspective vs. the man's. There's always an underlying cause of the problem (mid-life crisis, emotional issues). I sometimes think some people just have different sexual interests and desires - sometimes they are compatible for a long period of time, some for a short period, some not at all. 

If I have a taste for tea and you have a taste for coffee, am I going through a mid-life crisis or other emotional issues?


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## carras

sinnister said:


> You have a wife who has no problems sleeping with you. You are so far ahead of the game it's not even funny.


I know I am - and I am EXTREMELY GRATEFUL for this! 

Let me make this as clear as possible - I LOVE MY WIFE! She is my best friend, the only woman I want to be married to. I couldn't stand the thought of hurting her - of her suffering pain for which I am the cause. 

But, feelings are feelings and my sexual feelings are what they are - I've tried to change them, live with them, deal with them for years - I just don't know how much longer I (we) can go on like this.


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## Ayla

You said she has certainly tried...though not with the level of enthusiam that you find accetable. She can't make herself into another woman so the problem lies with you. You have to decide to be satisfied with what you got or you can throw it away for some strange. Maybe that is what she has decided to do with you. You don't think your wife gets bored with you too? That she doesn't see men out there that she finds attractive? Develop the ability to understand that [email protected] is just [email protected] New is exciting only because it's new. Grow up and understand that you can't have it both ways. You cannot expect someone to stay in love and be dedicated to you 100% while you have a semi-open marriage.


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## carras

Angel5112 said:


> I am confused. You say she wants to have sex more than you do, but then you said you only have it once every 2 weeks.
> 
> How often do you want sex? How often does she want sex? Are you not wanting frequent sex period, or are you just not wanting sex with her?


Not wanting frequent sex with her. I want sex more often than once every two weeks - I just don't want it with her more often than that right now. She definitely wants it more often than once every two weeks.


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## karma*girl

Would you say that she doesn't give you enough of a chase? Sometimes it's such a mental thing..there has to be more of a reason why you are not driven to pursue her ..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karma*girl

..And why haven't you had this conversation with her yet? It's definitely time- you owe that to her (&yourself.)
She very well could be feeling the same things, but doesn't know how to approach you without hurting your feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## resetbuttonpushed

You need to really sit down and think about why you don't want it with her.... that is so wrong on so many levels.... you made a commitment in marriage to only be with her, to do whatever it takes to make that work and she is going above and beyond to make that spicey... have you tried things to spice it up, taken control? What exactly do you want? It sounds like you simply want newness.... maybe you could research new positions, new foreplay, new toys, something new? Or is it simply a new woman altogether, dig deep adn find the answer... that is the solution, and communicate it to your wife.


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## karma*girl

Yep, I'm going to ask it- Do you watch a lot of porn? Masturbate frequently?
These are clues into your own sexuality & both affect your drive for your spouse, in a variety of ways..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## danie12

carras said:


> I know I am - and I am EXTREMELY GRATEFUL for this!
> 
> Let me make this as clear as possible - I LOVE MY WIFE! She is my best friend, the only woman I want to be married to. I couldn't stand the thought of hurting her - of her suffering pain for which I am the cause.
> 
> But, feelings are feelings and my sexual feelings are what they are - I've tried to change them, live with them, deal with them for years - I just don't know how much longer I (we) can go on like this.


We all feel what we feel...and that's perfectly ok to have whatever feeling we have...but it's not ok to act on every feeling we have. Feelings, IMHO, are irrational and if everyone just did what the felt like doing, well, things would go to hell in a hand basket in a hurry. Feel what you feel, honor your feelings by digging deep inside of yourself to figure out why you feel what you feel. It's not her job to do that for you it's your job to do that for yourself. 

IMHO, if you truly love her and want to stay married to her...in a marriage that is good for both of you...then you need to figure this out WITH her...not apart from her. Sometimes there is just no easy way to deal with an issue, sometimes no matter what we say/do will hurt our partner, and sometimes that is the ONLY way to get things back to good. 

Role playing, toys, porn...all surface. They are props to hold your sex life up. All the props in the world will not help if you don't build the foundation with strong material. Your communication is the first start to building an unshakeable foundation. So if you truly mean what you say, that you love her and never want to hurt her and want to stay married to her...you need to do have those hard talks with her.


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## carras

Thanks for all the input ladies. I think I know what I need to do. Much appreciated.


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## Gaia

I really like this thread... it really brings about a point for another thread on here. OP.... I do agree with others in you should be grateful you have a wife so willing to have sex when there are many here whose frequency is 5 to 6 times a year... if they are lucky. Roleplaying, toys, different styles in sex such a bondage, maybe semi public, ect can all be explored... however i do also agree that a third party in the mix... is a big no no. Find ways to make it interesting for sure....


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## Paulination

carras said:


> .
> 
> As I mentioned in my post, I miss the excitement of someone new and different.


You have to stop entertaining those thoughts. We all miss the excitement of someone new but with someone new you also don't have the deep, loving, meaningful friendship and companionship you have with your wife.

Thats the trade off. The sex now is about staying connected and completing all that the two of your are together in a physical sense.

Your choices really are limited. Stay with her and re-work your thinking as to what the meaning of marriage and companionship is or leave her and chase the meaningless excitement that is just a fleeting moment in the scheme of things.


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## diwali123

Be honest, are you having ED issues? Also are all these things you experiment with your idea? Does she ever come up with ideas of her own? Do you really know what turns her on like nothing else? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia

IT could very well be similar to this scenario.. doesn't necessarily have to have any other issue other then say....


If you have a favorite type of food.. say... angel food cake for instance. Now... imagine eating angel food cake every day for the rest of your life... even though it may be your favorite type of cake... eventually your going to start craving something different such as... strawberry shortcake.. or devils food cake... right? So... even though that angel food cake is always there, fresh, and available ... you may end up getting tired of it after a little while. I'm guessing that's how the OP is looking at it as... SOOO as many suggested to OP... make it interesting by putting frosting on this angel food cake, add some cherries, sprinkles, ect... something to make it(her) more appealing and interesting to you.


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## carras

diwali123 said:


> Be honest, are you having ED issues? Also are all these things you experiment with your idea? Does she ever come up with ideas of her own? Do you really know what turns her on like nothing else?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No ED issues; experiments are about 60/40 me; Yes, I do.


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## carras

Gaia said:


> IT could very well be similar to this scenario.. doesn't necessarily have to have any other issue other then say....
> 
> 
> If you have a favorite type of food.. say... angel food cake for instance. Now... imagine eating angel food cake every day for the rest of your life... even though it may be your favorite type of cake... eventually your going to start craving something different such as... strawberry shortcake.. or devils food cake... right? So... even though that angel food cake is always there, fresh, and available ... you may end up getting tired of it after a little while. I'm guessing that's how the OP is looking at it as... SOOO as many suggested to OP... make it interesting by putting frosting on this angel food cake, add some cherries, sprinkles, ect... something to make it(her) more appealing and interesting to you.


Precisely, but there are a finite number of toppings to add to the angel food cake. And at some point, isn't adding cherries, sprinkles etc. akin to bringing in a third, swinging, etc. I just reached that point a little sooner than others - I'm still finding a solution though and not out there cheating.

In the interests of full disclosure, I fully intend to have this conversation with the wife, just trying to sort out my feelings here so she and I can have a more focused conversation.


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## danie12

This might sound crazy, because it has nothing to do with the bedroom but why not start taking classes together? Something that you both have an interest in and you'd both like to know more about. Maybe you need to be able to *see* her in a new light, in a different way, discover more about who she is on a deeper level? At the same time she gets to *see* you in a new way and a deeper level.


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## Gaia

Eh... I would see bringing another AS perhaps adding another cake to the equation... Adding cherries and sprinkles to me is akin to trying out.. as i suggested earlier... bondage, toys, roleplaying, ect... to bring another in would be.. like bringing another cake and adding sprinkles and such to that.. at least that's how i see it....


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## carras

danie12 said:


> This might sound crazy, because it has nothing to do with the bedroom but why not start taking classes together? Something that you both have an interest in and you'd both like to know more about. Maybe you need to be able to *see* her in a new light, in a different way, discover more about who she is on a deeper level? At the same time she gets to *see* you in a new way and a deeper level.


thanks danie - thought about that one and I signed us up for dance classes - looking forward to it. I told her I signed us up for it and she was all excited - but I haven't heard her talk about it again since or try to schedule any time to do it. There is definitely a trend there.


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## Gaia

Here's another suggestion..... volunteer for something like... "The colony" or to participate in one of those zombie drills they have going on now.


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## carras

Gaia said:


> Here's another suggestion..... volunteer for something like... "The colony" or to participate in one of those zombie drills they have going on now.


what are the colony and zombie drills?


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## Gaia

"Zombies" Test Emergency Responders' Mettle in Maine | NBC Chicago

^^^Probably not something that can be signed up for but it's a fun idea anyway methinks... (Also makes me suspicious about the gov maybe "Knowing" about something that could bring about zombies...)


The Colony Experiment - YouTube

^^^H says he would like to try this .. and we plan to at some point.. it looks like it could be fun.


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## diwali123

So if she's not enthusiastic, has she ever been?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## danie12

I was in Denver last year and got to see the worlds largest zombie crawl...oh, that was so much fun!! If I knew that there was going to be the zombie thing going on when I was there I would have done some extra packing! 



> Eh... I would see bringing another AS perhaps adding another cake to the equation... Adding cherries and sprinkles to me is akin to trying out.. as i suggested earlier... bondage, toys, roleplaying, ect... to bring another in would be.. like bringing another cake and adding sprinkles and such to that.. at least that's how i see it....


Gaia....Idk, I have a really hard time thinking of another person as 'cake'


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## Gaia

It's an analogy danie12.. just as many here have used cars as an example to get their point across. It doesn't mean the SO is a car or cake.. they are using it as an example.


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## danie12

Yes I understand it's an anology. However, to me it would seem like using a person as a tool for the couples sexual desires. People have feelings cars and cake do not. That's all I'm saying.


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## Phenix70

carras said:


> I've tried spicing it up and she certainly tries, *but isn't very enthusiastic about it (lingerie, movies/porn, role play, toys, costumes, pole dancing classes, etc.).* I love her dearly and know that it's not right for me have what I want her to be deprived of what she wants.


I'm confused, does she or doesn't she do the things I highlighted?


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## Gaia

danie12 said:


> Yes I understand it's an anology. However, to me it would seem like using a person as a tool for the couples sexual desires. People have feelings cars and cake do not. That's all I'm saying.


Are you referring to when using an analogy or are you referring to adding a third person in the mix? You have me a bit confused on this part. Yeah we know cakes and cars don't have feelings and people do.. that's obvious... but I'm not sure if your issue here is with using an analogy to describe a situation.. or if your issue is with adding another person in the mix. I had already stated, as have many others that adding another person would be a very bad idea. So.. I'm not quite sure what your getting at here.


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## Lon

carras, I think it was karma girl who mentioned porn/masturbation - if you are going two weeks between intercourse and have no ED, I would expect that as a man you take care of yourself frequently... try stopping that, and watching porn, for 6 months and report back. Personally I have no major moral dilemna about porn, and enjoy it myself, but have come to understand how obsessive it can become and how much that may be taking away from real relationships.

TEDxGlasgow - Gary Wilson - The Great Porn Experiment - YouTube


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## Beelzebub

most men go through of what you feel, but cheating is not a solution and leaving someone for that is not a solution either. 
I'm in same boat as you.


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## Gaia

and adding someone shouldn't be a solution either... at least not in my opinion anyway.


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## danie12

Gaia said:


> Are you referring to when using an analogy or are you referring to adding a third person in the mix? You have me a bit confused on this part. Yeah we know cakes and cars don't have feelings and people do.. that's obvious... but I'm not sure if your issue here is with using an analogy to describe a situation.. or if your issue is with adding another person in the mix. I had already stated, as have many others that adding another person would be a very bad idea. So.. I'm not quite sure what your getting at here.


I quoted the post that I was talking about...



> Eh... *I would see bringing another AS perhaps adding another cake to the equation*... Adding cherries and sprinkles to me is akin to trying out.. as i suggested earlier... bondage, toys, roleplaying, ect... to bring another in would be.. like bringing another cake and adding sprinkles and such to that.. at least that's how i see it....


Which to me sounded like you were referring to adding another person to the sexual mix to be like adding the spice (cherries, sprinkles)...which to me sounded like a couple using another person as a tool for sexual gradification. Pardon me if I got that all wrong.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

If my husband felt this way, I'd pack up the kids and leave him. End of story.


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## Gaia

no... i said adding the spice (cherries, sprinkles, ect) would be in my mind.. equivilant to trying new things with JUST your partner... and adding another person would be like adding another cake.. then adding sprinkles and such to that would be including them on things your trying with your partner... such as bondage ect... and yeah i do see adding another person to the relationship as using them as a tool which is another reason why i find it wrong. If feelings for this other person develop then the relationship between a couple isn't so stable anymore now is it? Therefore that relationship isn't so committed and could very well fall apart.


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## carras

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> If my husband felt this way, I'd pack up the kids and leave him. End of story.


Quitter


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## danie12

Gaia said:


> no... i said adding the spice (cherries, sprinkles, ect) would be in my mind.. equivilant to trying new things with JUST your partner... and adding another person would be like adding another cake.. then adding sprinkles and such to that would be including them on things your trying with your partner... such as bondage ect... and yeah i do see adding another person to the relationship as using them as a tool which is another reason why i find it wrong. If feelings for this other person develop then the relationship between a couple isn't so stable anymore now is it? Therefore that relationship isn't so committed and could very well fall apart.


Oh...sorry for the missunderstanding. I read you wrong. Now, I'm going to focus on the OP's orginal topic.


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## Gaia

danie12 said:


> Oh...sorry for the missunderstanding. I read you wrong. Now, I'm going to focus on the OP's orginal topic.


lol it's ok.. it happens.


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## resetbuttonpushed

carras said:


> Thanks for all the input ladies. I think I know what I need to do. Much appreciated.


So what exactly is that? I'm curious... what have you decided to do to solve the problem?


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## carras

Not avoiding anything...I do masturbate and watch porn. 

My solution is to stop that and communicate all of this to her openly and honestly - if that fails, at least I will know I gave it my best shot.


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## This is me

carras said:


> Not avoiding anything...I do masturbate and watch porn.
> 
> My solution is to stop that and communicate all of this to her openly and honestly - if that fails, at least I will know I gave it my best shot.


Hmmmm....could be the greener grass on the screen. But none of it is a real relationship. Just fooling yourself.


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## karma*girl

Okay, now we're getting somewhere..

Realize your expectations may be way off-base from a real, healthy relationship.

Porn is worse for people than they think- it always is approached in a complacent manner, yet can cause serious underlying issues- one maybe being that what you are watching is false advertising.

Unfortunately, some people fall for it..(the more they indulge) & then soon lose sight of reality, which is usually pretty damn good.

I'm going to guess that your assessment of your sex life stems from you thinking that your wife is nothing like a porn actor & it leaves something to be desired..right? Or am I partially right?

Damn- if porn was not so easily accessible these days, there would be so many more happy marriages & men would be satisfied with a willing wife..

Porn can be toxic to the brain- literally toxic. It can take So Much passion away from your marriage!

I think you are right though- kill the porn & get into some serious talking with YOUR woman. Trust me, she WANTS you, if she's initiating...damn boy, go after her!

Make it HOT! This crap is all in your head. My H & I recently stopped all porn & both are totally great with it. After you fight a few urges, you won't miss a thing! I've seen guys here say the same thing.

Especially, because then, all your focus will be going toward your wife, trust, its a beautiful thing, if you allow it. She deserves that! It sounds like you have what it takes to be really passionate together
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Phenix70

Phenix70 said:


> I've tried spicing it up and she certainly tries, but isn't very enthusiastic about it* (lingerie, movies/porn, role play, toys, costumes, pole dancing classes, etc.). *I love her dearly and know that it's not right for me have what I want her to be deprived of what she wants.


I'm asking again since you didn't answer.
I'm confused, does she or doesn't she do the things I highlighted?
If your wife is doing all of these things, that's pretty enthusiastic & an active partner, it seems like the issue isn't your wife but is you.
What kind of sex ARE you looking for that you aren't getting?
Is it something kinky & not what many consider typical, run of the mill sex?
Think about this, what is it exactly about the sex you have versus the sex you want?


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## Trenton

Carras, you said that she was willing to try new things like porn, props, dress up, etc. and that you find her sexy/attractive and are in love with her.

I'm wondering what it is you want to try that you won't or that she won't?

I don't have enough information from your posts but I think it's possible you believe the grass is greener and are toying/fantasizing with the idea that it is. So you are stuck between wanting to play around and see if the grass is greener and not hurting or losing the wife you have whom you think is attractive/sexy as well as love.


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## TheFamilyStone

1st of all, never bring others into your bedroom. Yes, sometimes it does work but most often it backfires and creates more problems. Cheating isn't the way to go about it either. You need to communicate with each other and come up with a solution. If you want to cheat have the decency to break things off with her first! No one wants to be cheated on.


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## sinnister

carras said:


> I know I am - and I am EXTREMELY GRATEFUL for this!
> 
> Let me make this as clear as possible - I LOVE MY WIFE! She is my best friend, the only woman I want to be married to. I couldn't stand the thought of hurting her - of her suffering pain for which I am the cause.
> 
> But, feelings are feelings and my sexual feelings are what they are - I've tried to change them, live with them, deal with them for years - I just don't know how much longer I (we) can go on like this.


It's clear you love your wife. As do I (yes I'm a dude). Otherwise we wouldnt have signed up to a pink message board. It's clear you want it to work too. I asked about midlife crisis because I wondered if this was a new feeling or if you always had it.

I get the feeling this is salvageable. Her willingness to at least try the suggestions you've made to spice it up and your willingness to seek more ideas tells me this will be fixed.

Keep it up.


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## Caribbean Man

carras said:


> We've been married almost ten years, together for over 15. two kids.[1] *she is still very attractive and sexy, but I'm bored in the bedroom. she wants to have sex more than I do and I find myself making excuses not to. [2] We used to have a very good sex life (not the best, not the worst) but it plateaued years ago. I don't want to cheat but I find other women very attractive and desirable and the thought of being with someone new is very alluring.
> 
> [3]I've considered swinging, but the thought of her with another guy isn't sitting well with me at all.
> 
> If you were my wife, how would you want me to handle this?*


*

Sir ,
The average guy goes through exactly what you think your problem is.
But some of us react differently. We understand the difference between fantasy and reality.

1] Your wife is attractive & sexy. Many other men also think so too. Be VERY CAREFUL of what you ask for....

2] You used to have a good sex lifs ,blah,blah,blah. Everybody passes through this phase sometime. But with plenty work and understanding , this too can be overcome.

3]Swinging looks appealing to you,but you don't want her have sex with another man. I wonder if she feels the same way about you with another woman?
[ Sounds like cake eating to me.]
Again,
BE VERY CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR!
Everytime you think that you are bored of her sex,just try and picture her on her back with her legs in the air, hyperventilating in pleasure,
.....and another man thrusting between her legs.*


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## carras

karma*girl said:


> Okay, now we're getting somewhere..
> 
> Realize your expectations may be way off-base from a real, healthy relationship.
> 
> Porn is worse for people than they think- it always is approached in a complacent manner, yet can cause serious underlying issues- one maybe being that what you are watching is false advertising.
> 
> Unfortunately, some people fall for it..(the more they indulge) & then soon lose sight of reality, which is usually pretty damn good.
> 
> I'm going to guess that your assessment of your sex life stems from you thinking that your wife is nothing like a porn actor & it leaves something to be desired..right? Or am I partially right?
> 
> Damn- if porn was not so easily accessible these days, there would be so many more happy marriages & men would be satisfied with a willing wife..
> 
> Porn can be toxic to the brain- literally toxic. It can take So Much passion away from your marriage!
> 
> I think you are right though- kill the porn & get into some serious talking with YOUR woman. Trust me, she WANTS you, if she's initiating...damn boy, go after her!
> 
> Make it HOT! This crap is all in your head. My H & I recently stopped all porn & both are totally great with it. After you fight a few urges, you won't miss a thing! I've seen guys here say the same thing.
> 
> Especially, because then, all your focus will be going toward your wife, trust, its a beautiful thing, if you allow it. She deserves that! It sounds like you have what it takes to be really passionate together
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wouldn't say its all the porn. I had a pretty amazing sex life pre-wife and miss some of that excitement. As I mentioned before, she is not my best lover, not my worst, but you don't fall in love with people because of sex. I fell in love with her because of who she is, how she treats me and our kids, how much fun she is, and how I just love to be in her company. 

She was not very experienced when we met - only had one lover before me and he cheated on her. We've been dealing with that baggage for the past 15 years and I think it still inhibits her. 

Going to have to change the mindset a bit and see her in a new light - build up her confidence - again - just gets old after a while.


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## Lon

karma*girl said:


> Okay, now we're getting somewhere..
> 
> Realize your expectations may be way off-base from a real, healthy relationship.
> 
> Porn is worse for people than they think- it always is approached in a complacent manner, yet can cause serious underlying issues- one maybe being that what you are watching is false advertising.
> 
> Unfortunately, some people fall for it..(the more they indulge) & then soon lose sight of reality, which is usually pretty damn good.
> 
> I'm going to guess that your assessment of your sex life stems from you thinking that your wife is nothing like a porn actor & it leaves something to be desired..right? Or am I partially right?
> 
> Damn- if porn was not so easily accessible these days, there would be so many more happy marriages & men would be satisfied with a willing wife..
> 
> Porn can be toxic to the brain- literally toxic. It can take So Much passion away from your marriage!
> 
> I think you are right though- kill the porn & get into some serious talking with YOUR woman. Trust me, she WANTS you, if she's initiating...damn boy, go after her!
> 
> Make it HOT! This crap is all in your head. My H & I recently stopped all porn & both are totally great with it. After you fight a few urges, you won't miss a thing! I've seen guys here say the same thing.
> 
> Especially, because then, all your focus will be going toward your wife, trust, its a beautiful thing, if you allow it. She deserves that! It sounds like you have what it takes to be really passionate together
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Karma Girl, I disagree that for most men porn skews their view of reality - we are aware it is fantasy and we do not hold our wives or lovers to unrealistic expectations (and for those that DO hold unrealistic expectations it is more likely from previous real life experiences with women who behaved more slvtty or promiscuous).

For me I think that simply watching too much of it desensitizes our brain - I don't think it is "toxic" in that it damages our brain but I do agree that it takes an element of passion out of it, and makes it easier to feel "bored" with what we have, at the physiological level.

I think the answer is to cut back, or out, the the porn because it was overstimulating, then give it some time for our brain to recalibrate to the normal levels of dopamine. I agree it is difficult to fight the urge, but in the end we can get the same kind of sexual thrill in our spouse without having to spend all that time watching smut, so it sounds like a better quality of life to me.


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## Cosmos

If I were your wife and you no longer found me attractive and found the idea of being with someone else "very alluring," I'd prefer you told me so that we can divorce and move on.


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## carras

Cosmos said:


> If I were your wife and you no longer found me attractive and found the idea of being with someone else "very alluring," I'd prefer you told me so that we can divorce and move on.


I think its women like you that make men not want to communicate and cheat. Let me guess you are under 30 years of age.


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## Cosmos

carras said:


> I think its women like you that make men not want to communicate and cheat. Let me guess you are under 30 years of age.


Really? You're entitled to your opinion, of course, but I've never been cheated on in my life and communicate extremely well.

I have a 34 year old son so, no, I'm not under 30 years of age.


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## Mavash.

carras said:


> I think its women like you that make men not want to communicate and cheat. Let me guess you are under 30 years of age.


I agreed with that post and I'm 46. I'd want to know the truth which involves yes communication. As far as MAKING you cheat nobody can do that but you. And nobody can MAKE you communicate either. It's your life and your choice. The women here are just saying how they'd feel if they were married to someone like you that's all. 

I'd be crushed if my husband wanted other women over me.


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## Lon

right there is an example of how communication can break down.

Carras never said he wanted other women over his W, he admitted that he is not feeling it and wants to, and his mind is turning to thoughts of other women. That right there is no dealbreaker, it is basic biology, the fact he comes here to discuss this means he wants to fix this, the fact that he can't go to his wife with this makes it very dangerous - being warned that his W should threaten divorce is certainly not facilitating communication or helping him work this issue out in any useful way.


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## Cosmos

Lon said:


> right there is an example of how communication can break down.
> 
> Carras never said he wanted other women over his W, he admitted that he is not feeling it and wants to, and his mind is turning to thoughts of other women. That right there is no dealbreaker, it is basic biology, the fact he comes here to discuss this means he wants to fix this, the fact that he can't go to his wife with this makes it very dangerous - being warned that his W should threaten divorce is certainly not facilitating communication or helping him work this issue out in any useful way.


The OP asked how we, as women, would want him to handle this. I wasn't trying to be unhelpful, simply honest.


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## Thewife

carras said:


> Precisely, but there are a finite number of toppings to add to the angel food cake. And at some point, isn't adding cherries, sprinkles etc. akin to bringing in a third, swinging, etc. I just reached that point a little sooner than others - I'm still finding a solution though and not out there cheating.
> 
> In the interests of full disclosure, I fully intend to have this conversation with the wife, just trying to sort out my feelings here so she and I can have a more focused conversation.


I'm thinking..........you will still be fantasizing about changing to a new flavour or adding toppings until you get to live a life of man who has no food to eat. 

Well, I understand feelings are feelings, and its good that you have no intention of cheating.......be careful when you disclose these feeling to her.........a women's worst nightmare is to know that her husband no longer desires her. Educate her and learn with her.. who knows it may be fun after all. All the best


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## Lon

Cosmos, so then you, as a woman, are suggesting he not tell his W the full extent of how he feels if he wants to stay married to her? Not saying this is wrong, but interesting - I personally always find the full honest truth the best policy, but if you think he should filter his words to avoid hurting her maybe there is something to that.


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## Mavash.

Lon said:


> right there is an example of how communication can break down.
> 
> Carras never said he wanted other women over his W, he admitted that he is not feeling it and wants to, and his mind is turning to thoughts of other women. That right there is no dealbreaker, it is basic biology, the fact he comes here to discuss this means he wants to fix this, the fact that he can't go to his wife with this makes it very dangerous - being warned that his W should threaten divorce is certainly not facilitating communication or helping him work this issue out in any useful way.


He has two threads going on this board and I could swear I distinctly read that he isn't into his wife anymore and is lusting after other women. He said he wanted "new" and said he is "bored".

If my husband said that to me yes I would interpret it that he wants other women over me. What woman would think differently? It's not like he's said the sex is boring and he wants more kink he's said outright he wants something NEW as in someone else. 

I just don't see how his wife can possibly fix this. This guy also stated he's been like this his whole life (and yes I do blame his excessive porn use). He's overstimulated to the point where a run of the mill wife isn't going to cut it anymore.

Sad really.


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## Mavash.

Lon said:


> Cosmos, so then you, as a woman, are suggesting he not tell his W the full extent of how he feels if he wants to stay married to her? Not saying this is wrong, but interesting - I personally always find the full honest truth the best policy, but if you think he should filter his words to avoid hurting her maybe there is something to that.


Unless he has a suggestion as to how this can be fixed he needs to be blunt with his wife so SHE can decide how to proceed. 

Lets say my husband is bored and is looking at other women his first line of defense would be to tell me to wear lingerie, buy some toys, something. This guy has already done that and it didn't work. She has done what he asked and it wasn't enough. The only thing I've read that she could possibly fix is showing more enthusiasm. The rest is on him.


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## Mavash.

Here is what he said on the other thread. 



> Part of the problem for me is that I can't stop looking at other women - they are soooooo beautiful - and there are so many of them where I live. I can't stop thinking about them! I try to look down, look away, but it's like a sixth sense - if there's a pretty woman anywhere within view, my eyes immediately find her and I'm fixated. It is so distracting. I've been this way my entire life! I've dated and slept with many women and I've never, never been able to remain focused on that one woman - my eyes always wander. It's a disease.


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## Lon

Mavash, see this is exactly why men and women can't communicate because as soon as a man lets her have a glimpse into his mind she takes it all personally, feels like a reject and gets angry at him for being inconsiderate. So I guess carras, there is your answer - keep your mouth shut, work on this yourself, your W will not help you through this at all because women are just too emotionally insecure to be able to cope with such painful words. Meanwhile, get to a counsellor to help you work on this, don't give up faith in yourself or your W that despite the natural lust you feel you can remain a committed loyal husband and with some work on your own feelings, and by cutting back on the novelty of internet porn you may able to restore the lust you should have for your W.


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## Cosmos

Lon said:


> Cosmos, so then you, as a woman, are suggesting he not tell his W the full extent of how he feels if he wants to stay married to her? Not saying this is wrong, but interesting - I personally always find the full honest truth the best policy, but if you think he should filter his words to avoid hurting her maybe there is something to that.


I'm saying that if my partner was no longer interested in having sex with me, yet finds the idea of having sex with other women attractive, I wouldn't want to be with him.

I would want the truth - no matter how painful.


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## Cosmos

Lon said:


> So I guess carras, there is your answer - keep your mouth shut, work on this yourself, your W will not help you through this at all because women are just too emotionally insecure to be able to cope with such painful words.


I agree that the OP needs to work on himself.

As for women being "too emotionally insecure" to be told that a partner or spouse is no longer interested in having sex with them, but fantasizes about it with other women etc - I don't think ANYONE is that secure about themselves.


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## Lon

Cosmos said:


> I'm saying that if my partner was no longer interested in having sex with me, yet finds the idea of having sex with other women attractive, I wouldn't want to be with him.
> 
> I would want the truth - no matter how painful.


You wouldn't want him to go to counselling first? Even if despite his feelings his actions were honorable and he was working on restoring his attraction?

Because honestly, every marriage goes through this, to some extent or another. When you are married, your attraction to other people doesn't go away and if it does well then you have to deal with the exact same problem (unfulfilled sexual needs) but from the other side of the coin. However if he is flirting, or escalating contact with other women, well then yeah he is stepping outside marital boundaries, in which case divorce becomes one reasonable solution, but I have not seen from his posts that he is acting inappropriately towards his W, just that he is having a hard time exercising self control over his thoughts.


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## Mavash.

Lon said:


> Mavash, see this is exactly why men and women can't communicate because as soon as a man lets her have a glimpse into his mind she takes it all personally, feels like a reject and gets angry at him for being inconsiderate. So I guess carras, there is your answer - keep your mouth shut, work on this yourself, your W will not help you through this at all because women are just too emotionally insecure to be able to cope with such painful words.


Did I say I was angry? Did I say I'd take it personally? I think you and I are miscommunicating. I'm not emotionally insecure to be able to cope with such painful words. In fact I'd welcome the conversation. I want to know how my husband feels so we can fix it TOGETHER. 

In fact if you will go back and read my first reply to this I told him to stop lying to his wife and to quit making excuses as to why he doesn't want sex. She already feels rejected so how worse can the truth be? In this case I believe the truth is the only way and it will likely set both of them free.


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## Mavash.

Lon said:


> You wouldn't want him to go to counselling first? Even if despite his feelings his actions were honorable and he was working on restoring his attraction?


Absolutely!!! I'd rather see him do ANYTHING honestly that to hit her with this truth but time isn't on his side. He needs to tell her something and back it up with ACTION. 

No more excuses. No more lies.

He could simply say he's struggling with a sexual issue and that he's seeking help for it by 1) seeking counseling 2) cutting back on porn but NO MORE EXCUSES. At the very least his wife needs to know it's not her fault.


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## Lon

Mavash. said:


> Did I say I was angry? Did I say I'd take it personally? I think you and I are miscommunicating. I'm not emotionally insecure to be able to cope with such painful words. In fact I'd welcome the conversation. I want to know how my husband feels so we can fix it TOGETHER.
> 
> In fact if you will go back and read my first reply to this I told him to stop lying to his wife and to quit making excuses as to why he doesn't want sex. She already feels rejected so how worse can the truth be? In this case I believe the truth is the only way and it will likely set both of them free.


Sorry I should have used quotes, this thread was unfolding faster than I could reply - the breakdown in communication I was using as an example was between Cosmos and Carras, I agreed with your first comment.

I just thought it was premature for Cosmos to suggest going straight to divorce over this. Nowhere did carras say he doesn't want to be with his W. So what else other than a breakdown in communication on this thread would it even go there?

oh and I was being facetious about the emotional insecurity.


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## confused55

I won't go into it, but had similar problems with my husband. 

When I found out he cheated, I wanted him to leave. He wouldn't leave and all of a sudden he's soooo interested in me sexually for the first time in years.

I think, if your wife threatened you to split up, you'd finally see what you have.

It's funny how they take the old wife for granted and want variety, but as soon as they are facing loosing everything, they think you're the greatest.

I know this isn't the same for everyone, but just my story.


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## Mavash.

confused55 said:


> It's funny how they take the old wife for granted and want variety, but as soon as they are facing loosing everything, they think you're the greatest.


I think this is very very true. People assume the grass is greener. 

Now this guy did say he's slept with MANY women and maybe he's still got it. Maybe he's so fabulous that women just drop their pants to be with him. (And I swear I'm not trying to be sarcastic - this was the picture he painted of himself). If so that really would explain why he's bored. Takes a lot to tie a man like that down.


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## danie12

Well….as a woman I have to say that sometimes us women need to let go of our insecurities and understand that our husband might find a woman other than ourselves attractive….and further understand that just because there might be a more attractive woman out there it doesn’t mean that he *wants* that woman, it just means he’s a man with eyes. Heck, I can’t help but look at a good looking man…but not ogle and I don’t look when I’m with my husband, because that’s just plain rude. 

I don’t think this is a deal breaker. I learned over time that things don’t have to be as dramatic as all that. If he feels like he can’t be totally honest with me (because he’ll hurt my feelings) then he’s not going to be totally honest with me. It’s as simple as that. Think about the hot stove analogy. If you touch a hot stove and burn your hand chances are you are not going to touch that hot stove again. I can say that my anger/pain can be the hot stove and I can control the temperature so that he doesn’t burn his hand….therefore will be more inclined to touch the hot stove again. Make sense? 

This isn’t just me tho, he has a part in it too. A big part. If he talks to me respectfully (even if the content is painful) then I’m much more receptive to his thoughts/concerns. If he talks to me disrespectfully then he’s going to get both barrels strait on. In this particular situation I would much prefer him to say it to me like he’s said it here to us. What he’s posted here is honest and from his heart. Even if the content is hurtful it’s still said in a respectful way. IMHO, anyway. 

Listen, I don’t know your wife like you know her. You know how to talk to her, what she responds to, what makes her withdraw…use your knowledge of your wife to decide how you will speak to her about this issue. Really, it doesn’t have to be a downer type of talk…could be that you say “Honey, I feel like we are beginning to drift apart…I don’t want to drift apart, I want us to be together….so I’d like to….” And see how she feels about it all. 

I read something a long time ago...about the balance in relationships…basically it said that when two people are in a relationship there has to be a balance maintained. Think of the relationship as a boat, it needs balance to stay afloat. When one person steps back (disengages in the relationship) the other person is forced to step back too (or the boat will flip)…so it stands to reason that if both are not engaged in the relationship they are both disengaged the boat is unsteady (easily flipped)…so when one person steps forward (engages in the relationship) the other person is forced to step forward too. The balance is centered and the boat is more stable. I really liked this analogy for maintaining balance in the relationship. I suppose if one partner is totally disengaged it simply wouldn’t matter what the other person did because the boat is sinking.


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## Starstarfish

Which, does raise the central question - if you know you are an "adventurous" sort, sexually, and that gives you a if not -the- big rush in your life, why would you get married and commit to a relationship? If you have a major roaming eyes problem, how did you assume that would just magically stop? A wedding ring is not a magic pair of blinders. 

That seems selfish to me, did you explain to the wife at any point during your relationship (especially before getting married) about what a Casanova you used to be? Was she aware that there was the possibility that was going to be a continual feeling, that you might indeed yearn to return to those times? Did you ever discuss "the number" or - did you just leave her to assume. 

I think that's part of why several people's immediate reaction would be thinking about divorce. How out of left field is this going to be? You said your wife had only one previous relationship, and that it ended poorly and with cheating that clamps her sexually. (Which, seems like a co-opt to me if by that you mean she won't do some of the kinks you watch on your porn.)

I have no doubt you love your wife, but - if there wasn't honesty about this from the very beginning, this is likely to be really devastating to bring up all of the sudden. And that isn't about women being "too emotionally vulnerable" to handle it (because men like to be told they "don't measure up" - right?) but it's about honesty.


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## sisters359

Sounds like a porn and/or sex-addiction problem to me, and individual counseling would be the place to start. 

Lots of people feel sexual desire towards people other than their spouse, but not to the obsessive and dysfunctional level the OP describes. 

This isn't about judging him--it's about helping. If there is a porn/sex-addiction, then treatment is the first choice. His wife will *never* be enough if she's trying to compete with his fantasies/addictive need for "new" experiences. Also, let's be clear that there is nothing wrong, per se, with ANY fetish/mental issue (for "newness" for example); it is wrong, however, to drag another person into this AND then refuse to at least try to address the problem.

If I were his wife, I'd want to know, and I would want him to get help. I'd be willing to do my part as recommended in therapy, too. If he still could not defeat this, however, I'd want to part--maybe. Depends on a lot of variables. Heck, knowing myself, I could see considering swinging as an alternative (his inability to share her is the first and most telling impediment to that, of course). 

Loving one's spouse means facing one's own flaws and dealing with them as best as possible. Good luck, OP.


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## carras

My wife knew about my history long before we got married. The disparity in our sexual experiences has always been a source of contention. She was insecure about it from the beginning and I tried very, very hard to make her feel comfortable and confident about our intimacy.

In our circle of friends I was always considered the ladies man - friends' girlfriends/wives would make jokes/comments to my wife (then girlfriend) about it - some were rude and I corrected them and asked them not to do it because I didn't want my wife's feelings hurt. Eventually, my wife began joking back at them about it and to this day makes comments to them about how I please her in bed. 

I knew from my first date with my wife that I was going to marry her - she was different - special, very special - and she still is. I love her dearly. I am not proud of these feelings I have - I'm quite embarrassed and ashamed of them. It is a tremendous weakness I wish I could control better - and I am working on it.

I have been honest with her about this - I've had conversations with her in the past about my lack of interest in sex. I have not come out and said I find other women attractive, but she knows I look at other women - we've commented on attractive women to each other.

Sometimes it's also that life gets in the way. There are many, many issues involved in a problem like this - stress from work, home, kids, family, marriage, friends, etc., etc. I think that the problem is deeper and more complex than just "he watches too much porn and masturbates," or "he expects her to change." Some of the time I don't want to have sex with her because of non-sexual issues, sometimes it is a combination of sexual & non-sexual issues. Sometimes it's just because I'm so damn tired - but as she points out, if I were going out with my friends, I'd find the energy to go out (which is true - which brings me back to the feelings of losing interest in time with her which is a different problem).

I appreciate the comments, feedback and criticism - I'm secure enough in who I am as a person to accept it all and use that which I agree with (whether I like it or not) to improve and make myself a better husband. 

A lot of this is stream of consciousness. What I wanted to use this board for was a place to help me sort out my thoughts and feelings, and that is what it has become. Thanks.


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## confused55

carras,

I don't know why I get this feeling, but I suspect you actually have cheated already and are backtracking just to get some feedback and figure things out for yourself.

Am I right?


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## carras

confused55 said:


> carras,
> 
> I don't know why I get this feeling, but I suspect you actually have cheated already and are backtracking just to get some feedback and figure things out for yourself.
> 
> Am I right?


I've seriously considered it (which to me is almost as bad), but every time I've been that close, I think about the pain she'd experience and what that would do to her, and I know I couldn't live with being the source of her pain. Plus, I've been cheated on and I couldn't do that to someone else.


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## karma*girl

Oooh, please control yourself- be a solid man. 
Aside from killing your wife & hurting her ability to be a good mother, imagine your children's little faces- they'll NEVER get over something like that..and they'll learn the truth at some point.
Your sexual preferences should never, never, never take higher priority than the health of your children's & lived-one's hearts.
Their confidence & chance at a happy life lies in your hands, like it or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karma*girl

*loved ones
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carras

karma*girl said:


> Oooh, please control yourself- be a solid man.
> Aside from killing your wife & hurting her ability to be a good mother, imagine your children's little faces- they'll NEVER get over something like that..and they'll learn the truth at some point.
> Your sexual preferences should never, never, never take higher priority than the health of your children's & lived-one's hearts.
> Their confidence & chance at a happy life lies in your hands, like it or not.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed with you 100% - don't want to hurt her or them - I love them too much to let that overcome me.


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## karma*girl

I think that coming here is going to set you on a path you knew you needed, but hadn't found the way to yet.
Sometimes we need to "hear" the right things, the things we already know in our hearts, just to bring them to the surface again- so we can see the truth with Open eyes.
I have a feeling, starting today, your level of gratitude for your loving wife & kids will skyrocket.
You are going to start new patterns of thinking & ways of being that will guide you to exactly where you need to be for the real happiness & success of yourself, your wife & children.
You were drawn here because it is time for you to shift into your joy.
I believe things will work out really, really well.. be open to all the love around you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snakeeyezz

I'm in the same boat. So, I understand where you are coming from. Some things annoy me. It seems like the male is supposed to do all the massaging, saying sweet things, kissing, etc. My question is, What about us ? We tried the swing thing, her idea, and she freaked out. She had a 3some before me in her life, but I am not allowed. Tried the roll play, not into sexy outfits, I have suggested a hundred things, and in the end its the same old routine. Yeah Yeah yeah, some guys don't get any, I know. Heard it a hundred times. Those guys should just leave. It will never get better. For us, suck it up, grin and bare it. There is no solution. Good luck brother


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## foreverheartbroken

Cosmos said:


> I'm saying that if my partner was no longer interested in having sex with me, yet finds the idea of having sex with other women attractive, I wouldn't want to be with him.
> 
> I would want the truth - no matter how painful.


Ditto.

It's not insecurity on the part of women, *both *men and women want to be attractive and appealing to their partner. If they are told they're not, it's only human nature to be hurt by that. But honesty is the best policy, dishonesty hurts far worse.


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## snakeeyezz

What's your favorite food to eat? I'm sure you don't eat it every day. It you did you would grow tired of it. Variety is the spice of life. You have heard it a hundred times. 

I think men and women are just wired differently. 

I will never cheat on my wife and I will keep on doing the things I do to keep her happy which includes telling her what a good wife she is, how beautiful she is, that she looks pretty before she goes to work, tell her I love her every day, etc etc.

But.......what does that do for my problem, or yours ? Keeps the peace.....but the problem in "our" head is still there.


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