# Don't know what to do anymore...



## Blynn3522 (Jan 2, 2016)

My husband and I have had sexual problems for a couple of years now. We've talked about it a thousand times before but it never seems to fix the problem. We have sex maybe once or twice a month. I have an extremely low sex drive and he would love it every couple of days but i feel like i just can't keep up. I constantly feel like a failure in bed because I can't give him what he needs. It's starting to get to the point where even the littlest flirtation between us makes me think he's just trying to initiate sex and I feel pressured and guilty because I'm not in the mood. And obviously it takes a toll on him because he feels like i never initiate it which leaves him feeling unwanted. I would gladly try things like oral to satisfy him when i'm not in the mood but I feel like an even bigger failure there because he doesn't finish which makes me think it's not good enough. He always reassures me that he loves it and it feels amazing but I just can't help but think it's me. So if i can't satisfy him that way or with sex I just don't know what to do. If anybody has any advice on how to revive our sex life please help us.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I'm sure he knows how you feel. Maybe that keeps him from finishing. It's hard to keep your head in the game while worrying about what your spouse is feeling.

I could never understand why my wife would do all the mundane, dirty, unpleasant tasks she does day in, day out, but feel like sex was just too much work at the end of a long day. Is my time worth less than sweeping the floor for the 10,000th time? Washing the pans or making dinner? What was my worth in our marriage?

She didn't really reject my advances but let's just say it was clear when she didn't welcome them. So I was hurt and didn't feel loved, frankly. All the little things she did every day for me didn't really mean anything to me and I had told her that, but she still did them because she wanted to.

I thought I wanted sex, but I became so obsessed with it that I went to a sex therapist. She showed me a list of about 100 words and asked me to chose what I felt when we had sex - and none of the words had anything to do with sex. I teared up - all the words were emotional and I realized I felt abandoned emotionally in my own marriage, seeing my wife every day.

He may just need to connect and emotionally bond. He probably wants you to want him - not initiate sex - but initiate love and bonding. He may really, really appreciate and love oral but be concerned you are doing this for him instead of wanting to - meaning instead of wanting HIM.

Guys often get confused about their emotions, and feel them during sex. 

Do you think any of this relates to your husbands thoughts? Because if they do, your "performance" really isn't part of the equation. Your participation is much more important.


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## Blynn3522 (Jan 2, 2016)

We are both pretty young. I'm only 21 and he's 23. We've been together for 3 years and married almost a year. For the first year/year and a half things were great then I'm not sure what happened. Sex just started becoming less and less and more and more of a problem...I know this is such a short amount of time compared to many others on here but we need help before it gets any worse


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## Blynn3522 (Jan 2, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I'm sure he knows how you feel. Maybe that keeps him from finishing. It's hard to keep your head in the game while worrying about what your spouse is feeling.
> 
> I could never understand why my wife would do all the mundane, dirty, unpleasant tasks she does day in, day out, but feel like sex was just too much work at the end of a long day. Is my time worth less than sweeping the floor for the 10,000th time? Washing the pans or making dinner? What was my worth in our marriage?
> 
> ...


Thank you. That's why i posted this to hopefully get some insight. I've never thought about it that way before and it's definitely something I can try to work on because he definitely may feel this way and I just never realized it.


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## Tbnez (Jun 27, 2013)

I don't think anyone can tell you how to fix your issues because fixing your issue is about as self explanatory as it could possibley be. Instead of fixing your issues I will rub a crystal ball and tell you what's in your future if you don't fix your issues immediately...


Option 1 - Divorce
Option 2 - Infidelity
Option 3 - Long slow process of hatred, detachment and apathy that
ends with one of the most important relationships you will
ever have ending up in a smoldering pile of ashes


As an old guy I've watched it play out a dozen times. I've never understood people who claim to love another person all the while they wouldn't spit in the mouth of their partner if they we dying of dehydration in a desert. Love is not lip speak it's about action. It amazes me someone would destroy their life and their loved one over a couple of hours of effort a week but I see it regularly...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

You have a big advantage that many LD/HD couples dont have. 

That is; you are aware of the problem, concerned about it and want to do something about it.

that is a wonderful, refreshing attitude. Whatever you do, dont lose that. Dont decend into that place many couples do where they are in denial and just dont give a damn about their spouses any more: "I just don't want/like sex with him/her anymore, and that's THEIR problem., so tough!

I think your husband knows that you are trying. I think he truly loves you and is a patient man.
I would see a dr. and see if you could up the frequency just a bit.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

You're both very young. It's important to talk about these things - there will be lots of stresses in your marriage - jobs, money, travel, kids, family, etc. All of these can - and often do - impact your sex life.

Is there job related stress that has recently affected you two. Something else?

It's a good idea to keep a separate mental log of couples activities you do - to be sure you guys make time for yourself and for each other. Back be a walk or a cup of coffee. A simple way to really drop all else and look each other in the eyes and connect. Women in particular can multitask and traditionally have taken on many more "roles" in a marriage - so it us common to be very busy trying to get it all done. That might mean that you are thinking of a grocery list while talking to him. Guys often are able to shut off their brains completely - watch a guy watch TV or play a game for hours. . My point is that it is important to turn off everything else during your couples time because he will be able to tell you have other things on your mind which he could misinterpret as him not being important to you.

Of course we don't know about him at all - is he attentive to you and your needs? Is he open in his communication? Guys often suck at this so since he's young he might have much to learn about opening up to a woman.

Check out this funny video about men and women's brains by a comedian - wires versus boxes:

https://www.bing.com/fd/ls/GLinkPin...20ueW91dHViZS5jb20vd2F0Y2g_dj1ab3Fwak9aeGYyTQ


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

BTW you may just have what is referred to as "responsive desire". My wife does. Rather than only "wanting" sex once or twice a month, I'd challenge you to this: be open to having sex very very often - maybe daily even. See what happens. It could be that you don't feel desire, but once you begin to cuddle and kiss and snuggle, and are touched and touch him - you might find yourself become aroused. This is very common. But if you do not put yourself in that position you may not know it.

If you do try this you should make some stipulations. Let him know it's an experiment. Tell him to go slow - tell him exactly what you like and want him to do. Young guys have raging testosterone and have a hard time backing off once you're in bed so you have to almost demand this. Sorry but he needs to really hear it. Like "I'd like to snuggle and kiss and look at each other and talk for at least (5, 10...) minutes first. (5,...) of those minutes being non sexual maybe even with our clothes on". Fill in what you need. If you do have responsive desire the key is to figure out what really drives your desire. For me - I ask my wife to come closer - then I put my arm around her and she rests her head in my chest. We talk... If I never learned I had to "instruct" her to come my way, we could never start her process. Once we start and her hand moves slowly down... well we're off and running 

It's kind of amazing how hard we can make something that we all love become.

Good luck.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

I read a story once about a couple who kept two little statues on the fireplace mantle. One was his and one was hers. If one person was in the mood for sex that day, they would move the statue to a certain spot on the mantle. If the other was willing, they would move their statue as well.

It was meant as a code the kids wouldn't understand, but I wonder if something like this would help alleviate the pressure you're feeling. 

I had the same problem for a long time, he wanted more than I did and it made me feel like a failure when I couldn't accommodate. So maybe a playful signal, or even scheduling sex, would help undo that tendency to shy away from him when he flirts. Then you would both know what to expect, and sometimes you could flirt just for the sake of flirting, which would help build your emotional bond as well.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Blynn3522 said:


> My husband and I have had sexual problems for a couple of years now. *We've talked about it a thousand times before but it never seems to fix the problem*. We have sex maybe once or twice a month. I have an extremely low sex drive and he would love it every couple of days but i feel like i just can't keep up. *I constantly feel like a failure in bed because I can't give him what he needs*. It's starting to get to the point where even the littlest flirtation between us makes me *think he's just trying to initiate sex and I feel pressured and guilty because I'm not in the mood. *And obviously it takes a toll on him because he feels like i never initiate it which leaves him feeling unwanted. *I would gladly try things like oral to satisfy him when i'm not in the mood* but I feel like an even bigger failure there because he doesn't finish which makes me think it's not good enough. He always reassures me that he loves it and it feels amazing but I just can't help but think it's me. So if i can't satisfy him that way or with sex I just don't know what to do. *If anybody has any advice on how to revive our sex life please help us*.



A few thoughts. First you are aware of the problem and willing to try to change. You will live happily ever after, if your husband can learn to change as well.

You have gotten a lot of good advice. For most men, sex with a wife is about emotional connection and bonding. It is a way for them to feel emotionally close to their wives, which is why sex is often called "making love."

You are not a failure because you have low desire. David Schnarch in his books says that every aspect of marriage is a compromise between two people one having low desire the other having higher desire. For example, one may need to have chocolate ice cream every night for dessert and sometimes may need to go out during lunch for a quick chocolate ice cream cone. Just because their spouse doesn't like chocolate ice cream or wants ice cream at most once a week, doesn't mean they or their spouse or their marriage is broken. There is no "right" or correct amount of chocolate ice cream in a marriage. 

One partner may want to watch football on TV 3 times a week and their spouse my never want to watch football. That doesn't mean the marriage can't survive, as there is no right amount of football watching in a marriage. The same is true for sex.

What is true is that in all aspects of marriage the two have to negotiate between each other so that both are content. You seem to understand that, but your husband doesn't. You seem willing to do oral, or other things to meet his needs, which is great. My wife will not do oral ever or even allow me to do it. We have learned to compromise on sex frequency in a way that works for us.

I have been married for over 44+ years to the same woman. I came close to divorcing her when our sex life gradually came to a complete halt. We still loved each other, but we no longer made love. We each felt broken. I really recommend that you read the book by MW Davis called the Sex Starved Marriage. You marriage isn't sex starved now, but your post indicates it will be in the not too distant future, unless things change. Her book tells you how to repair a sex starved marriage. Buy it, read it, do some of the suggestions and if your husband doesn't change, keep the book handy for when you really need it.

So, you are not a failure. You are not broken and in need of fixing, but you do have a problem. Your husband is not happy and you are ascribing motives to him that may or may not be there. Let me give you an example from my marriage, when it was sex starved. If you have read Chapman's book, the 5 Languages of Love, you will understand what I am going to say better.

My primary love languages are touch and words of affirmation. What that means is when I want to say I love my wife, I will reach out to hold her hand, touch her shoulder, hug her, or kiss her. Sometimes when I want to tell her I love her I will tell her what a wonderful person she is and how proud I am that she is my wife. When we were in a sex starved marriage, my wife interpreted any attempt by me to tell her I loved her in my love languages as either "pawing at her body to get in her pants" or buttering her up to get in her pants." 

Now go back to your statement about feeling like all he wants from you is sex any time he touches you. He may be saying to you how much he loves you. Have you ever watched a TV Sit-com where a man says to a woman "I love you" and she just looks at him; not responding for a few moments and then says something like "thank you" or "your sweet?" It is a sad but funny joke about an expression of love being rejected. When my wife would bat my hands away from her, when I reached out to hold her hand as an expression of my love for her, it hurt every bit as much as if she had slapped me in the face and said I don't love you. 

You need to do some serious introspection on how you are saying no to any sexual or non-sexual expressions of love by your husband and make sure you are not sowing the seeds of a death spiral in your marriage. MW Davis refers to this as doing the dance that destroys a marriage.

My suggestion would be to see if you and your H can read and discuss Chapman's 5 LL and MW Davis the Sex Starved Marriage. Then see if the two of you can't negotiate a compromise you can both live and be happy with. You sound like that is something you would like to do. You may need to educate your husband before you can reach that compromise. It may turn out that making him feel loved in his love languages, which are not "sex" and having sex (both PIV and oral) as much as you can handle will give him the emotional closeness he needs to be happily married. 

It is hard for many, myself included, to learn that our spouse has a much different level of sexual desire, and that they are not broken and in need of fixing. It is also hard to learn how to gain the emotional closeness necessary to make a marriage work, when people are not understanding each other or meeting each others needs. You might want to consider getting the help of a sex therapist or marriage counselor at some point if just the two of you talking doesn't work.

Good luck.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

OpenWindows said:


> I read a story once about a couple who kept two little statues on the fireplace mantle. One was his and one was hers. If one person was in the mood for sex that day, they would move the statue to a certain spot on the mantle. If the other was willing, they would move their statue as well.
> 
> It was meant as a code the kids wouldn't understand, but I wonder if something like this would help alleviate the pressure you're feeling.
> 
> I had the same problem for a long time, he wanted more than I did and it made me feel like a failure when I couldn't accommodate. So maybe a playful signal, or even scheduling sex, would help undo that tendency to shy away from him when he flirts. Then you would both know what to expect, and sometimes you could flirt just for the sake of flirting, which would help build your emotional bond as well.


Along the same line, I just came across this idea. Have not delved into it in depth, but might be something for you to look into, Blynn.

Forty Beads

I also know a couple who agreed to have sex every other night, no matter what, unless illness or something drastic prevented it. It was actually the wife's suggestion when her husband started complaining she was always saying no. She felt knowing they would be having sex every other night took the pressure off of both of them, and gave her time to prepare. She also found that at first, most of those nights she was not in the mood, and didnt really want to have sex, so she would just offer to do things for his enjoyment. But all most every single time she would get horny half way through and then want some action herself, which he was very happy to give. This is called responsive desire. 

She said the more she had orgasms, the more she enjoyed the sex, which made her want more sex and more orgasns. Its been over 20 years now and they have stuck with the every other night schedule and are both very happily married. They have negotited rules over the years to meet the spirit of this agreement and to adapt it to real life. For example, if one wants to be spontaneous on an off night, they can do so, but the one who is not i initiating then gets to decide if that counts for the next nights sex, in which case they would then go 2 nights without to get back on schedule or the one not initiating could decide it was just an extra delight and stay on the schedule by having sex the next night to. Most of the time they stay with every other night because that fits the both of them the best. 

These are just examples of how some couples negotiate the sexual HD/LD conflicts in their marriage making compromises and meeting each others needs. You need to work with your husband and come up with your own ways. Both of your needs and desires are important and you both need to compromise and work together so both of you are happy and satisfied. 

I have found it interesting that in all most EVERY case that I am personally aware of, including my own, where an LD makes an effort and commitment to having more sex and in having quality sex (not just lying there and not participating), usually results in the LD actually getting into more often and having more orgasms, which helps them enjoy and think about sex more often, which helps them want it more often, and the good cycle continues. The same goes for the bad cycle. The less LDs have sex, the less they want it and the less they think about it, which makes them want it even less and so on and so forth. 

Here is one last link for you to read. 

Sex Is a Physical Need | Focus on the Family

I suggest you read it with your husband and then discuss it together and really listen to his take on it. I think it will help you both open up and talk about this important part of your marriage. 

I agree with the poster who applauded you for coming here to seek advice because you realize there is a problem developing. Your recognition of that fact and willingness to seek help is most of the effort for winning the battle. Now just follow through with loving and consistent action. The fact that you are doing so while young and early in your marriage is really good. Stay focused on making your marriage a good one for the both of you and it will be.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blynn3522 said:


> We are both pretty young. I'm only 21 and he's 23. We've been together for 3 years and married almost a year. For the first year/year and a half things were great then I'm not sure what happened. Sex just started becoming less and less and more and more of a problem...I know this is such a short amount of time compared to many others on here but we need help before it gets any worse


Here is a link to a book that should help you. You need to re-find the erotic/sexual side of yourself. Sex in marriage is about love and desire for the other person. It is also about bonding.. it actually causes the body to produce chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin that keep you in-love and bonded. Without a good sex life your marriage will mostly not survive. So it's worth figuring out how you can get back to being sexual with your husband.


Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel

Also, how is the rest of your relationship. What else are you unhappy about in the relationship? How much time do you and your husband actually spend together, just the two of you doing things together?

.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

The issue is in defining what a good sex life is. Many couples argue over this often. I am in that number.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

And I love the couple who agreed to do it every other night. Fantasyland....


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

mary35 said:


> I also know a couple who agreed to have sex every other night, no matter what, unless illness or something drastic prevented it. It was actually the wife's suggestion when her husband started complaining she was always saying no. She felt knowing they would be having sex every other night took the pressure off of both of them, and gave her time to prepare. She also found that at first, most of those nights she was not in the mood, and didnt really want to have sex, so she would just offer to do things for his enjoyment. But all most every single time she would get horny half way through and then want some action herself, which he was very happy to give. This is called responsive desire.
> 
> She said the more she had orgasms, the more she enjoyed the sex, which made her want more sex and more orgasms. Its been over 20 years now and they have stuck with the every other night schedule and are both very happily married.


I know another couple like this, and it works very well for them also.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Ages of fantasy couple?


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Okguy said:


> Ages of fantasy couple?


Early 50's. and they are real.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Blynn3522 said:


> My husband and I have had sexual problems for a couple of years now. We've talked about it a thousand times before but it never seems to fix the problem. We have sex maybe once or twice a month. I have an extremely low sex drive and he would love it every couple of days but i feel like i just can't keep up. I constantly feel like a failure in bed because I can't give him what he needs. It's starting to get to the point where even the littlest flirtation between us makes me think he's just trying to initiate sex and I feel pressured and guilty because I'm not in the mood. And obviously it takes a toll on him because he feels like i never initiate it which leaves him feeling unwanted. I would gladly try things like oral to satisfy him when i'm not in the mood but I feel like an even bigger failure there because he doesn't finish which makes me think it's not good enough. He always reassures me that he loves it and it feels amazing but I just can't help but think it's me. So if i can't satisfy him that way or with sex I just don't know what to do. If anybody has any advice on how to revive our sex life please help us.


1. focus entirely on the romance and intimacy. Should it progress from there, foreplay must be long-lasting.
2. Sex drives might be different. My partner has a lower sex drive due to breast-feeding. I simply indicated that I would be more than satisfied with manual or oral stimulation. As such she feels zero pressure, and I am always happy.

try 1
then 2

Be honest. It is noone's fault. But you can maximize your drive by having incredible romance and mind-boggling foreplay/teasing.

Good Luck!
Relationship Teacher


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Its great that you recognize that this is an important issue. Mismatched sexual drives can put tremendous pressure on a marriage. 

I'm the HD in a HD/LD relationship, so I can give you my perspective:.

When sex is infrequent, I am often thinking about it, and all casual intimacy reminds me of sex. Its like being hungry - walking by the nice smelling chocolate shop isn't pleasant, it just reminds you of how hungry you are. When you are well fed, then walking by the chocolate shop is fun.

If you have sex frequently, then he will be able to enjoy non-sexual intimacy with you.

Is he willing to do anything you want in bed? Do you physically enjoy sex when you have it? 

In my wife's case, she has a very difficult time getting interested in sex, but if she does start - even just doing a "favor" for me, she gets aroused herself and ends up enjoying it.


If you are happy to do sexual favors for him (like oral) then that can help a LOT. Ask him to tell you what he likes, tell you about his fantasies - for men as well as for women, the brain is the most important sex organ.

You don't need to do everything he wants, but do your best not to be disturbed by anything - high drive people can have all sorts of ...interesting... fantasies. Try to find the ones that you comfortable doing and try those. 

If you do play to his fantasies, then try to be "all in". For example if he wants to be dominated a bit - then don't ask tentatively what he wants, just do your best guess - attitude is everything. 

Let him know what you do and don't feel like doing, and then stay with it. One of the things my wife does that drives me crazy (in a bad, not good way), is I'll tell her something I'd like to do. She will try it once - tell me it was fun, then never do it again. It would be fine if she said she didn't like it - but to say she enjoyed it but not to do it again is just frustrating.

Try lots of things - most HD people also have fairly broad interests. 


The most important thing is that you care - so you can find a way to fix this.













Blynn3522 said:


> My husband and I have had sexual problems for a couple of years now. We've talked about it a thousand times before but it never seems to fix the problem. We have sex maybe once or twice a month. I have an extremely low sex drive and he would love it every couple of days but i feel like i just can't keep up. I constantly feel like a failure in bed because I can't give him what he needs. It's starting to get to the point where even the littlest flirtation between us makes me think he's just trying to initiate sex and I feel pressured and guilty because I'm not in the mood. And obviously it takes a toll on him because he feels like i never initiate it which leaves him feeling unwanted. I would gladly try things like oral to satisfy him when i'm not in the mood but I feel like an even bigger failure there because he doesn't finish which makes me think it's not good enough. He always reassures me that he loves it and it feels amazing but I just can't help but think it's me. So if i can't satisfy him that way or with sex I just don't know what to do. If anybody has any advice on how to revive our sex life please help us.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Start getting in shape by exercising and see if your drive picks up. Why do YOU think your se. Drive has gone down?
As said, your husband is feeling like you don't love him. Contrary to popular belief, it's not about just sex to most men---- it does make us feel connected, loved, desired, etcetera.
Yes, physically, we need some sex regularly, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Blynn3522 said:


> My husband and I have had sexual problems for a couple of years now. We've talked about it a thousand times before but it never seems to fix the problem. We have sex maybe once or twice a month. I have an extremely low sex drive and he would love it every couple of days but i feel like i just can't keep up. I constantly feel like a failure in bed because I can't give him what he needs. It's starting to get to the point where even the littlest flirtation between us makes me think he's just trying to initiate sex and I feel pressured and guilty because I'm not in the mood. And obviously it takes a toll on him because he feels like i never initiate it which leaves him feeling unwanted. I would gladly try things like oral to satisfy him when i'm not in the mood but I feel like an even bigger failure there because he doesn't finish which makes me think it's not good enough. He always reassures me that he loves it and it feels amazing but I just can't help but think it's me. So if i can't satisfy him that way or with sex I just don't know what to do. If anybody has any advice on how to revive our sex life please help us.



You sound very similar to my wife Mrs.CuddleBug.

She too is LD and having sex 1 to 2x month is it for us for the last 16+ years of marriage.....


Go to the doctor and get a full physical. Tell your doctor you have a very low sex drive and want to do something about it. Perhaps your hormones are off and you need meds to re balance them?

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/low-sex-drive-in-women/basics/causes/con-20033229


When married, you are to take care of each others needs as your own. That means, if your hubby likes sex, you take care of his need and of course he does the same for you.

Doing nothing about it is also a huge problem. Doing nothing is someones fault because they are doing.........nothing.


Could it be menopause?


Both of you take the 5 love languages quiz and then compare the results. You will be able to relate to each other your main needs and love languages.

Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages®


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You two are admittedly in your "youth" and shouldn't even be entertaining a marital problem of this magnitude!

As his wife, he sees you as something beyond attractive and desirable, and that's the rationale of why he wants you so! That and his natural sex drive!

Everything that you do for him sexually as his committed married partner, do out of the sheer goodness of your heart. Do oral on him and "force" him to do oral on you ~ and don't even think twice about it. Make him feel as desired as he desires you!

If all else fails, then make a concerted effort to seek out a good sex therapist who will help solidify your often apprehensive sex lives!

Get successful at it and then you two can come back onto TAM 
and tell all of us "old farts" exactly what it is that we're doing wrong in the bedroom!

Trust me! Art my age, I'd be so very grateful!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Did the problem start after you got married?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Blynn3522 said:


> My husband and I have had sexual problems for a couple of years now. We've talked about it a thousand times before but it never seems to fix the problem. We have sex maybe once or twice a month. I have an extremely low sex drive and he would love it every couple of days but i feel like i just can't keep up. *I constantly feel like a failure in bed* because I can't give him what he needs. It's starting to get to the point where even the littlest flirtation between us makes me think he's just trying to initiate sex and I feel pressured and guilty because I'm not in the mood. And obviously it takes a toll on him because he feels like i never initiate it which leaves him feeling unwanted. I would gladly try things like oral to satisfy him when i'm not in the mood but* I feel like an even bigger failure* there because he doesn't finish which makes me think it's not good enough. *He always reassures me that he loves it and it feels amazing *but I just can't help but think it's me. So if i can't satisfy him that way or with sex I just don't know what to do. If anybody has any advice on how to revive our sex life please help us.


When I was younger I had problems reaching orgasm from oral sex. This is because all my sexual partners would complain after a few minutes that it made their jaws very soar. Meanwhile I loved it and it felt amazing, but the idea that my partner was subjecting themselves something painful for my pleasure was not a sexual give and take scenario that I could ever bring myself to truly enjoy. *Does this also make all my early sexual partners a big failure in bed?* *No*, it just means that i cared for the wellbeing of my sexual partners. 

If you are not in the mood but still desire for your husband to be happy, try to explore things that you sincerely enjoy doing for him sexually. Perhaps you could get naked and just let him tell you how beautiful you are while you encourage him to masturbate for you. Tell him that he is not allowed to orgasm this way and that you desire to control when and if he is allowed to cum. This is when you get a jar of coconut oil, make him stop touching himself, and you just barely caress him as you lay next to him. Make him tell you how when you just barely touch him that it feels way better than his ability to touch himself.... 

Engaging in sexual play that specifically builds your confidence will help create the needed sparks to reconnect. Ask him to talk dirty to you and tell you how much he likes something if he wants more! Then don't give it to him until he begs!

Regards,
Badsanta


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

How about scheduling sex X times a week? My wife & I started once a week. This had a benefit I did not see at first. It allowed me to compliment, snuggle with my wife the rest of the week and she was able to accept it for what it was. She did not feel like I was attempting to initiate.

I am in better mood as I know sometime during week we will get together.

She is in better mood as she gets lots of hugs & compliments without feeling pressure.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Frazzled sex once a week would be great. Those times are long gone.


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## Theunguy (Jan 25, 2016)

How old r u guys?


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

Are you on Birth Control pills? Sometimes they can cause loss of desire after taking them for a while. Happened to me after about a year on Yaz. Literally went from wanting sex every day to not even thinking about it. I went to my Dr & had my hormones checked & they were way off. 3 months after stopping the BC pills my sex drive was back.


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