# Would you still love your wife if she gained weight?



## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

I found out just last night that my husband of 16 years would not!!! I have gained 20 lbs since we have gotten married...Had 2 kids, now teenagers.... and have MS. I used to exercise at least 3x a week either running 2 to3 miles or biking 45 minutes. Now that I have MS I can't do the same things that I used to....but I do still eat healthily and walk a mile everyday. After badgering him he finally admitted that he has felt less sexually attracted to me since I put on the extra weight and admitted that if I got too big wouldn't be attracted to me at all!!!! He used to take me on weekend vacations and was quite romantic.However for the past 2 years, we have spent valentine's day (which is also my birthday) with the kids and even last year with his MOM!!!! Don't mention our anniversary....here too either with the kids or even just at home! When I married him I didn't get the sense that he was sooo superficial. I am soo angry with him I am almost tempted to just pound on the pounds and tell him f u, and after the divorce just loose all the weight I can!!! He has also shown signs of cheating even though he catagorically denies it!! (HMM) He, of course, still wants sex but refuses to be romantic!!! Am I being overly sensitive or is he just an insensitive b?!?!?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Well, by badgering him to give you the answer, was probably not the best idea, especially if him telling you the truth is making you this angry. I don't ask my h if my butt looks big in my jeans, because he is an honest man and if I'm asking, it probably does and it's probably not the jeans' fault, if you get where I'm going.

He is not superficial just by being honest about how weight affects his attraction. He is not saying I do not love you anymore and want a divorce because you gained 20 lbs. You brought the subject up, not him.

As far as showing signs of cheating, and the romance seeming to go by the wayside, those are real marriage issues that should be explored and worked on. 

Have you heard of the book 'The 5 Love Languages' by Chapman? You both may benefit by reading it together. It explains 'losing the spark' and ways to make eachother feel loved.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Let's take as step back for a minute.

if you saw two guys standing next to each other and one was 20 pounds overweight, which would you be more sexually attracted to? Not emotionally. Not in love. Just sexually attracted to?

I think most people would pick someone who is height/weight proportionate over someone who isn't.

Also note that you admit to badgering him for an answer. I realize us guys don't have a pause button to make sure we skip the "yes those pants make your butt look fat" comment, but you asked and he responded.

But in your case, there's something else going on. Mom's on valentines day? Signs of cheating?

I think you have more issues that 20 pounds.

PS: sorry about the MS.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Well, you aren't alone in your circumstances or reaction. Surprisingly your reaction seems pretty universal to women and utterly confounding to men. You ask the question ... we answer truthfully, and then are told how horrible we are.

Take weight out of the equation. Do you love and want to stay married to your husband or not?

More threads discussing Weight Gain
This particular thread had a wide range of input on the matter: Obesity and Marriage. And just to throw in the disclaimer, I am in no way implying that you are obese.

All in all, I hope you and your husband can find a way to serve your relationship and marriage - so that you both feel good about it.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

coincidentally, I posted something similar just the other day in the "Ladies Lounge" forum.
I would put the link here, but I'm on my phone so I don't know how...but the subject line was "Help, am I being ridiculous??" people's replies helped me get a grip on my emotional reaction to what my husband said about me + 20 lbs...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Pretty sure I'd love my wife no matter how she looked. I doub't I would notice a change in my attraction unless she gained like 50lbs. Still your original question was about love and I can say that weight gain would not cause me to lose my love for my wife.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

swedish said:


> Well, by badgering him to give you the answer, was probably not the best idea, especially if him telling you the truth is making you this angry. I don't ask my h if my butt looks big in my jeans, because he is an honest man and if I'm asking, it probably does and it's probably not the jeans' fault, if you get where I'm going.
> 
> 
> When I said badgering him I meant I wanted him to tell me what was going on with him and why he is acting the way he is....I didn't even bring up my weight. (sad to say):scratchhead: I was just tired of his odd behavior. And yep I agree if you ask someone to comment on your weight be prepared to get your feelings hurt!!! We have been married for 16 years and for him to say if I get too big he's not sure?!?!?!? What's too big?!?!?


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

swedish said:


> Well, by badgering him to give you the answer, was probably not the best idea, especially if him telling you the truth is making you this angry. I don't ask my h if my butt looks big in my jeans, because he is an honest man and if I'm asking, it probably does and it's probably not the jeans' fault, if you get where I'm going.
> 
> He is not superficial just by being honest about how weight affects his attraction. He is not saying I do not love you anymore and want a divorce because you gained 20 lbs. You brought the subject up, not him.
> 
> ...


Swedish, Sorry new to the group and haven't figured out format?!?!? I also was trying to comment to you on the fact that he DID say wasn't sure what he would end up doing if I gained tooo much weight?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I am sorry to hear about your MS. I have a friend with MS and I know it is not easy to live with. I slowly started to gain weight and was training for a marathon so it wasn't making any sense and very frustrating. I finally got my thyroid checked and that was the problem. When going through that, I was feeling pretty insecure about myself, jeans starting to not fit, etc. and I think the self-image issues are less attractive than a few extra pounds if you can still feel confident and attractive. But I also know it's hard to pull off! Running did help, so I am glad to hear you are doing what you can to stay fit...definitely don't do the gain a bunch of weight and lose it after divorce plan!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Part of the issue here is that people's needs are people's needs. You may prefer the overly romanticized idea that he'd be absolutely in-love with you no matter what...but in real life that's not realistic. In real life, all of us love the person we love because they meet most/a lot/all of our needs and don't put out the flame with extinguishers (like angry outbursts and scorekeeping). 

Some people--male and female, but this is thought of as a men's need--lose some of the attraction for their spouse if the spouse let's their appearance go. To think of a similar need that also often chaps people's hides, how about financial support? Some people--male and female, but this is perceived as a women's need--lose some of the attraction for their spouse if s/he let's go of their financial responsibility to provide at a certain level. Then the person who used to be earning would say, "You only love me for my wallet!"  Well I don't want to be a downer, but partly...YES! Because the idea is that "here is a person with whom I agree to be a life partner who will make a certain lifestyle available"--and if they suddenly stop meeting that need, it makes them less attractive. 

Now, for the need of attraction, it sounds like your husband is not entirely superficial. Part of what interested him "back in the day" was the way you looked. He probably also admired the way you were dedicated to fitness, staying active, keeping an alluring figure, etc. That's not superficial--the exterior can often reflect/mirror our feminine inner beauty. So it was the whole package that piqued his interest and caught his eye, but yep--that exterior was a part of it! Just as it's unrealistic for a guy to expect to be able to court and marry a woman and then just suddenly quit working and stay at home playing on the PC but say, "You only loved me for my money!" -- it is just as unrealistic for a gal to expect to be all beautiful and sexy for a guy, marry him, then gain 50lbs and wear sweats and UGGS and an oversized shirt but say, "You only loved me for my body!" Both people in those examples have stopped doing the things that kindled the love in the first place, and both need to re-start those habits. 

Speaking as a woman who is not skinny by any means (I'm built a lot like Queen Latifah actually--curvy, but not slim), not ALL physical attractiveness is "weight." Various sags or scars can play a part, but usually I find that one way to start addressing this Physical Attractiveness need right away is to start wearing clothes that work with your figure. Okay here's the fact--on the occasion wear a skirt that's so short you feel silly in it...only for him. Wear that top that let's your bra peek-a-boo out...only for him. Don't wear an oversized tent! If you're size 12, GET items that fit and follow the size 12 figure and that play up your particular figure strengths. For example I have a nice rack and waist--my abdomen is bigger--nice curve to the hip and behind...so I get clothes that show off a bustline (like a deep V-neck or lower U), a small waist (like a top that ties in back), but that camouflages the abdomen area, like this top by Sweet Pea:







I'm not selling THAT TOP--just see what I mean? It's not a big, baggy tee. It clings a little, shows off a waist, hides a bit of a tummy by pulling the eye to the side at the tie. And it looks ATTRACTIVE on the body I've been given. 

Also my Dear Hubby loves/prefers long hair and sort of hippie hairstyles, so I have hair down to my behind, and I wear braids and Marcia Brady pull backs. LOL Hey.... *HE* likes it and it ATTRACTS him. He likes makeup that looks natural and minimal--like a warm lip stain, thin eyeliner, and mascara with more of a "glow" than blush on the cheeks is about as much as he'd ever like (which is cool with me). He likes my eyes, so play up my eyes. See what I mean? Your body *HAS* the things that he's interested in--just use what you've been given, and start where you are now. Since you know that some weight means something to him, it's probably wise to do as much as you can to do the best you can with that, but the fact is that you do have limitations. 

Finally, you know now that Physical Attraction is something that is important enough to him that he'd mention it. That's actually REALLY GOOD because now you can do something about it! He just handed you a note that says, "Here's what means I love you to me." But I bet you money that's not his *only* need. If you are imperfect on this Physical Attraction need, do the best you can and put effort into being attractive, but also work on meeting the other needs too! If he has a need for an orderly home, or admiration, or a companion for recreation--then MEET THOSE and he will be attracted to those things in you, which leads to looking at you physically in a positive light. If you're not meeting admiration, not being a friend/having fun with him... then when he looks at you you're in sweats and a tent  that's when it can be rough. So work on the other needs also and know that this one--Physical Attraction--is a biggie for him. Look AMAZING even when you wear jeans. Pull out those tight-fitting ones and show him your cute butt!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My wife's weight has fluctuated over the span of 80 lbs. She's been everything from a size 0 to a 16. I think she's about a size 12 now. I've always thought she was beautiful. I suppose somewhere between Olive Oil and Jabba the Hut, there'd have to be a number that I would consider a deal-breaker, but she hasn't come even close to hitting it. If a wife (or husband) hasn't gained more than 20 lbs in 16 years, I'd say their partner is very blessed, indeed.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Good point, unbelievable...especially for a wife who has had children. 20lbs give or take is much different than 100lbs or more overweight.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

If you could 'lose all the weight you wanted after the divorce' I think you have your answer. You've noticed the weight gain, confirmed it thru your husband, and gotten angry enough to go start the training. 

Though his attitude does suck and not taking care of you before or after sex is wrong..it seems like you have a lot of your situation figured out already.

I'm sorry about your MS diagnosis, how is he with your MS, does he understand it and try to help or is her ignoring that you have it or...?


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Swedish -- thanks for the replies!!:smthumbup:

Chefmaster-Great question!!! Because I think that he doesn't really understand my limitations. He was home this weekend and agreed to walk with me....nice....but then said okay now elts go longer, it's good to sweat!!!! I agreed to do it because I wanted him to see the result of me overdoing!! Needless to say half way through the extended walk I needed to use him for support!! Sad to say still haven't fully gotten back to status quo but I am hoping that the sacrifice sort of shows him I'm not the same woman I use to be... We'll see!!!


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

My wife at one time came close to 220. Still loved her, still was romantic, and still had interest to make love. How could i mention anything when she gained the majority of that through pregnancies that i was a part of. When she finally was ready, she lost the weight on her own.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

2 sick -you are not going to like my response to this one. You know I have a 100% transparent marraige, you know I WANT this, you know sometimes the truth is not pretty. I have asked my husband this question, among many possible "What If's" -- that could befall us in our future. I like to gauge where HE is, how he thinks, FEELS on a gammet of issues that may affect our sex life. As that is very important to me. 


This is one of them... He has told me if I gained "too much" -likely 20 lbs would do it ...... he WOULD loose desire for me, he would never leave me, always love me - but the sex would dry up- he even went as far as to say, he probably couldn't get it up ! I was not offended , cause if he gained too much, I wouldn't be raving over his body either !! I know what I like as well... I like a flat stomach on a man or It is a bit repulsing to me, I do not even like "too much" muscle, that turns me off too, while some women get turned on by that.

I have a male friend who LOVES large women, thin does NOT do it for him, and he married my over 200 lb friend, happily married over 20 yrs, he likes sex more than her, always has! Just saying, with her man, it is not a concern I guess. 

Women will always be offended by these questions and responses. But seriously, can we change what turns us on??? I think a Kurt Cobain's Look is rocking gorgeous, many would think I am nuts, he looks so grungy, but to me...it is ...Oh Baby"!! It is the same with men, they can not turn it off and turn it on, it is one of their honest weaknesses that women DESPISE. Women generally are NOT as visual as men (though I think I am close-even if my taste is odd). 

Some may call my husband and me shallow -but are we? There are other issues WE are more lenient on that many on this forum wouldn't be....but in this issue ...this is very very important TO US...therefore to our marraige , to the best of our ability. If it is important to one spouse, it NEEDS to become important to the other .....in helping the marraige go forth. 

Just as BAD NEWS has been falling down on the job in the Romance Dept is sounds, and not spending enough time with you, instead of taking off to visit relatives on your birthday, you have a GOOD GRIPE against him here. And you as well need to be HONEST in it -it upsets you. 


Saying he would not longer LOVE you, well, I bet he really didn't mean it that way, likely a slip of words, not everyone expresses themselves in the best fashion when under fire. 

But HE has his part in this as well , not just throwing truths out there without *his role of support *..... sounds you was trying to get more in shape but he was pushing more than you could, given your MS limitations here....well he should be putting a little more ongoing effort HERE as you have demonstrated you are trying! 


I know this is an old thread, maybe you are beyond these things now, but wanted to take a stab at it.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

2sick, like you my wife also has m.s. at one time she was a serious gym rat. kept herself trim and tight. since her m.s has come on(approx 8 years), she frankly has put on quite abit of weight. my only consirn is for her health,i still find her sexy,she has just had a new surgery called ccsvi, so far she's having way better than expected results. your husband in my opinion is being a butthead.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> 2 sick -you are not going to like my response to this one. You know I have a 100% transparent marraige, you know I WANT this, you know sometimes the truth is not pretty. I have asked my husband this question, among many possible "What If's" -- that could befall us in our future. I like to gauge where HE is, how he thinks, FEELS on a gammet of issues that may affect our sex life. As that is very important to me.
> 
> 
> This is one of them... He has told me if I gained "too much" -likely 20 lbs would do it ...... he WOULD loose desire for me, he would never leave me, always love me - but the sex would dry up- he even went as far as to say, he probably couldn't get it up ! I was not offended , cause if he gained too much, I wouldn't be raving over his body either !! I know what I like as well... I like a flat stomach on a man or It is a bit repulsing to me, I do not even like "too much" muscle, that turns me off too, while some women get turned on by that.
> ...


LOL!! Didn't think this would be true..... I finally disagree with you!!!:rofl::rofl::rofl:

I find it very hard to solely relate attraction to purely physical. We are all going to get old...things are going to sag... hair is going to disappear...but I hope the sexual attraction will always be there! Bad News is EXTREMELY HOT!!!! but I am attracted to the inside, the looks he gives me, things that no one can see!! The physical appearance is for everyone to lust after, the other is just for me!!! I don't know if that makes sense. 

BTW lost more than the 20lbs (34 to be exact) Learned protein and good carbs are the way, and light weights when doing PT.:smthumbup:


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

Yes, I'd still love her. A few years ago she about 40lbs heavier than now. We have both lost weight together.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why would weight gain stop the love? I'd still love my husband if he gained weight.

Attraction might wane (if it was really a lot of weight), but...I'd still love him.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

a reasonable amount of weight gain 20 lbs or less (my opinion on whats reasonable)

would not bother me.

but anything over that and it would start to decrease my desire for her.

20 lbs in a fair bit of extra weight to carry around and not the healthiest for ya.

could also make sex more difficult with positions not to mention some women would feel self concious about it so now the lights have to be off.

its best to try to stay attractive for your mate.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> a reasonable amount of weight gain 20 lbs or less (my opinion on whats reasonable)
> 
> would not bother me.
> 
> ...



But would you stop loving her? I dunno...it's a weird question. I love my friends who are large...I am not attracted to them, but I love who they are. I feel the same about my husband...unless he gained weight and a douche attitude.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I gained 100 pounds per child. I easily took it off through running. I was running with my last child 1 week after delivering her. I was running 36 miles a week and very thin. However, I broke my neck, herniated 3 discs and the surgeon fixed one of the three. I have permanent spinal cord damage and I live in severe pain 24/7. I spend most my day resting and icing my neck. I easily gained 30 pounds by not changing my eating habits. My husband did not say a word, nor did I think he cared. Last year I decided it was time to watch what I eat. I did just that and I've lost 20 of the 30 pounds. I may have lost more then 20, I haven't been on the scale lately and my jeans are a bit loose. 

My husband says I look great. My body has changed and I'm no longer toned. I do manage the stationary bike on my good days. I love to exercise, but cardio is no longer for me. I miss running dearly. I still have the motivation to run. Right before I broke my neck I bought new running shoes. They are in the closet waiting for a medical miracle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

My wife could gain up to 20 lbs and I`d be just fine, might actually be kind of fun.

Over 20 lbs and we`re negotiating.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

2sick said:


> LOL!! Didn't think this would be true..... I finally disagree with you!!!:rofl::rofl::rofl:
> 
> I find it very hard to solely relate attraction to purely physical. We are all going to get old...things are going to sag... hair is going to disappear...but I hope the sexual attraction will always be there! Bad News is EXTREMELY HOT!!!! but I am attracted to the inside, the looks he gives me, things that no one can see!! The physical appearance is for everyone to lust after, the other is just for me!!! I don't know if that makes sense.
> 
> *BTW lost more than the 20lbs (34 to be exact) Learned protein and good carbs are the way, and light weights when doing PT.*:smthumbup:


Great, so you lost the weight. How are things with your husband now? Has he increased the romance now?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

2sick said:


> LOL!! Didn't think this would be true..... I finally disagree with you!!!:rofl::rofl::rofl:



Here is the thing, it simply doesn't matter if you agree with me, or every woman and man on this forum agrees with you on this thread..... it ONLY MATTERS how your husband feels- cause it is his DESIRE that is going to make your life sweeter & your bedroom experience more passionate. 

Me & mine totally understand lines will come, brown spots , gray hair, receeding hair lines, a sag here, a sag there, varacose veins, whatever ....obviously some things we have no control over as we AGE .....I don't classify these things in the same category as "gaining 20 lbs +" , which can generally be controlled unless one has a health condition. How often is that - less than 10% of the time, I don't know the statistics. 



> BTW lost more than the 20lbs (34 to be exact) Learned protein and good carbs are the way, and light weights when doing PT


 See you did what he desired even if you wanted to chop his head off when he said what he said, even thought to divorce him, then loose it ! Ha ha, how our initial outrage gets the best of us. Though maybe that was over the love comment. He went too far there, did he mean that part? 

And I just bet he has been giving you more compliments , flirting a little more , I bet it even improved the emotional for you -as you came his way as well.....Come on, did it UP his desire or not ???? And what about you, are you going to say it didn't make you feel better -about yourself as well ???





> I find it very hard to solely relate attraction to purely physical. We are all going to get old...things are going to sag... hair is going to disappear...but I hope the sexual attraction will always be there! Bad News is EXTREMELY HOT!!!! but I am attracted to the inside, the looks he gives me, things that no one can see!! The physical appearance is for everyone to lust after, the other is just for me!!! I don't know if that makes sense


 Of course these things make sense, Love gives the ability over the years, to still look into our lovers eyes and still capture that spirit of youth, you still see the Stud admists the grey, or he sees that hot beauty you were in that old dress he loved so much. Memories flood us in the emotional connection at any age. Love gives us such an ability. 

Maybe it is a mental thing-we ascend too , I don't know. But being able to wrap our arms around our lover and still feel our hands on the other side will sure make this easier. 


But when a spouse carelessly gains without care to how it affects his/her other half, this can do damage to the relationship.... 

I will never forget talking to this one man, he was never attracted to his wife, but married her anyway cause she was a good woman, his christian friends said "beauty doesn't matter" - he bought into it, guess what, she gained over 80 lbs, he is repulsed, but all along didn't have the heart to tell her how he was feeling (no transparency there) he wore a mask his entire marraige..you know what it did..., he got so depressed he had to be put on meds, then his Test levels plummeted to under normal, last I heard from him, he was going to do a blog on how vital the role of attraction is when you marry someone . very very sad story he has. The only reason he stays with this woman is his faith, what a sad sad marraige indeed. 

Initial Attraction is very important...and maintenance after the wedding. 

That is my position. Sorry it if offends some. I would only want to be with someone who felt the same, cause otherwise I would be harping on him about his added weight gain, so best to marry someone who has the same views. I accually feel this subject should be talked well before marraige. 

It is that important- as it causes alot of hurt feelings down the road on both sides, it is a "working" within the marriage just like other goals -financial, where you live....and how we take care of ourselves to maintain attraction no matter our age.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Here is the thing, it simply doesn't matter if you agree with me, or every woman and man on this forum agrees with you on this thread..... it ONLY MATTERS how your husband feels- cause it is his DESIRE that is going to make your life sweeter & your bedroom experience more passionate.
> 
> Me & mine totally understand lines will come, brown spots , gray hair, receeding hair lines, a sag here, a sag there, varacose veins, whatever ....obviously some things we have no control over as we AGE .....I don't classify these things in the same category as "gaining 20 lbs +" , which can generally be controlled unless one has a health condition. How often is that - less than 10% of the time, I don't know the statistics.


SA,

Thank you for posting this. When I first came to this site, some of the same women were pretty critical of me when I mentioned my own struggles with my wife's eating addiction. Its definately a subject that can't be discussed on this site. Its refreshing to see a woman who tries to understand that most men aren't just selfish neanderthals in this respect - we feel guilt over the whole attraction issue too.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Thread is a year old


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Me & mine totally understand lines will come, brown spots , gray hair, receeding hair lines, a sag here, a sag there, varacose veins, whatever ....obviously some things we have no control over as we AGE .....I don't classify these things in the same category as "gaining 20 lbs +" , which can generally be controlled unless one has a health condition. How often is that - less than 10% of the time, I don't know the statistics.


*
But I am in that 10%!!! And as that % I do find it shallow on his part... for you and your h you both have an understanding and that is fine. I had actually gained almost 80lbs when I was pregnant with my first child ( and close there to for the second). We both got out of shape but the love and the attraction hadn't changed. We both lost the weight but when my mother had past I had gained an extraordinary amount of weight back because I couldn't keep it off for some reason (didn't change eating habits didn't change exercise habit). I had ballooned up 50 lbs. By the time I posted the OP I had lost 30 lbs in spite of the ms...Took diet pills, atkins...whatever would work. (NOTE: I have always been subconscious of weight and as such as a teen I was quasi bulimic ...wouldn't throw-up but would take laxatives over exercise) I was hurt by his comment because WE BOTH had been fat slobs and he was just as freaky and attracted to me (I knew then that I had found my soul mate because he loved me for me not for just some hot chick that ANYONE could love) then all of a sudden he is now stuck on looks?!?!?!?

We find it funny now because he doesn't even remember saying it. In fact he says "I would never have said something like that!!"...even though when I asked him well what would you do if I gained 80lb....his response...I guess I could try to love a fatty?!?!?!*

[/QUOTE]See you did what he desired even if you wanted to chop his head off when he said what he said, even thought to divorce him, then loose it ! Ha ha, how our initial outrage gets the best of us. Though maybe that was over the love comment. He went too far there, did he mean that part? 

And I just bet he has been giving you more compliments , flirting a little more , I bet it even improved the emotional for you -as you came his way as well.....Come on, did it UP his desire or not ???? And what about you, are you going to say it didn't make you feel better -about yourself as well ???[/QUOTE]

*Actually, I initially lost the weight to spite him, because he said he will overlook all the other issues if you lose 20lbs (so he would put his $ where is mouth was)!!! HMMM still waiting!! :scratchhead:I Just joking!!! He has come sooooo far!!!! Now I am keeping the weight off for him! Although I still COMPLETELY disagree with the physical thang!!! *
*Yes he does spank my a$$ more but I hope when it reaches my knees he will still want to spank it!!! Regarding my health, my symptoms haven't decreased, I still have the same pain and problems I did 30lbs heavier. I have admittedly fallen back in the quasi bulimic state of mind...I guess it doesn't matter who the man is, physical will always matter...Sadly I thought that immature mindset was behind...but I'm wrong. Like you said, I'm doing it for him. I can only hope he will sacrifice some of the things he hold dear to him to hold on to me too!!!*


[/QUOTE]Of course these things make sense, Love gives the ability over the years, to still look into our lovers eyes and still capture that spirit of youth, you still see the Stud admists the grey, or he sees that hot beauty you were in that old dress he loved so much. Memories flood us in the emotional connection at any age. Love gives us such an ability. [/QUOTE]
*Why does it have to start when you get old?!?!?!? I want the man I have vowed to love till death do us part (not fat...baldness..or illness) to find me hot no matter what!!! I agree whole-heartedly with part of what you said "love gives the abiltity...."Why can't it start now?!?
*


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

See , sometimes we speak out of our butts, he doesn't even remember what he said ....good ! This is why we must continually keep forgiving, he seems to have a good attitude about it now... and you don't seem overly offended here


> even though when I asked him well what would you do if I gained 80lb....his response...I guess I could try to love a fatty?!?!?!


If this doesn't offend you -good for you !! Progress. For instance, none of us are the BOMB

....my dad is falling apart, he has R Arthristis, needs to be on cancer drugs it is so bad, constant surgerys to his neck (God I hope I take after my mothers health as I age)....but she & HE joke around about his health issues, it just relieves the stress somehow, he is not offended by this at all.

Kinda like the attitude of this..










She loves him to peices, even got me crying in the hospital waiting room about how much she loves him -while he was getting delicate neck surgery. IF something happened to him, she could never love another man. 

Their looks are going down fast, I know she still sees him as he was somehow. I don't know, I don't like getting older, I wish I could bottle it all !! Not one of my favorite subjects. 



> I can only hope he will sacrifice some of the things he hold dear to him to hold on to me too!!!


 Amen to that. 

Well are you satisfied with your sex life or not satisfied, do you feel desire is lacking on his part ? Keep in mind also....as men age, it is simply NOT as hot & heavy as it once was. 

If I had a time machine, that is all I would go back for !!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> can we change what turns us on???


Actually, contrary to one of the most highly held opinions out there, yes, you can change what turns you on. Attraction varies from society to society, from time period to time period. So, it is not "in your DNA" (despite what many, many people will argue or think). It is socially constructed--meaning, we buy into what our society says. Our brains become conditioned in this way, so the belief that we "can't" change attraction is pretty strong, and it is accompanied by an equally strongly desire NOT to change. 

Just thought I'd throw this in here. Obviously, people who put less emphasis on the physical component of attraction are going to have an easier time with aging, weight gain, etc, b/c they won't have to "recondition" their attraction--the inner beauty that they love is still there, so their attraction remains just as strong even when physical change happens.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

that_girl said:


> But would you stop loving her? I dunno...it's a weird question. I love my friends who are large...I am not attracted to them, but I love who they are. I feel the same about my husband...unless he gained weight and a douche attitude.


well I would still love her as a person and the mother of my children. But my sexuall desire would be less.and my opinion of her would be less. If you don't respect your self enough to stay in shape and healthy and are indiferent to what I like then she would be not trying. 

again I'm talking unhealthy weight gain. not normal weight gain through aging or some sort of health problem.

It would be like if your husband decided to not care as much about you emotional needs. maybe he dosn't pay attention to your stories as much would you still love him.and then pretty soon he don't care about much you have to say it would still be him so would you still love him


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Here's another thought.

In the past, if we were talking about a man who traded in wives as they reached 35-40 (Johnny Carson comes to mind), we'd be thinking he was a total d*ck because he couldn't see beauty in an aging woman. 

Now, however, "oh, well, that's just his 'preference.'" 

It seems to me that as a society we have become increasingly superficial even within the context of relationships. Men found all sorts of women sexy and attractive throughout history, but now there are people out there claiming that there is some type of "human preference" for the Western world's "model type." (I wonder how people in Asia and Africa would feel about that?)

It's as though we are increasingly making physical appearance the *sole* criteria for attractiveness, particularly when it comes to women. This whole "attraction and love are different things" argument--can you imagine your grandparents, or great-grandparents, having that discussion? Yes, the physical plays a role in the initial visual-but humans would not have survived as a species if people had high standards before they could feel sexual attraction to a member of the opposite sex! So men and women must have felt sexual attraction to one another on a pretty wide scale. 

But today, it's ok to say you won't feel sexual attraction to a member of the opposite sex--whom you allegedly love--if their weight changes by 20 lbs? 

I have read enough responses to realize that a lot of people are not that shallow, thank goodness!

edit: morbid obesity is a different matter--that's a medical term, and it is related to the point at which the weight itself creates health problems. You can be overweight and otherwise perfectly healthy from a medical perspective-- healthy in terms of blood pressure, ability to exercise, cholesterol, etc., the things that affect longevity and mobility. Morbid obesity is a completely different thing


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

In our case, there's no "If" about it and I absolutely love her.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I find it hard to believe that anyone... male or female get their panties in a wad about 20 lbs. Wow. I hope, really, that that is the worst thing that happens during your marriage then.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Twenty pounds on my husband is a LOT :rofl: He looks so cute though all chubby  I look at old pics when he was heavier and he looks so cuddly! 

I am about 20 pounds from my ideal "feel good/healthy" weight. Workin' on it, but in the meantime, just workin' with what I got  Boobs and a butt.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> See , sometimes we speak out of our butts, he doesn't even remember what he said ....good ! This is why we must continually keep forgiving, he seems to have a good attitude about it now... and you don't seem overly offended here
> 
> If this doesn't offend you -good for you !! Progress. For instance, none of us are the BOMB
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. My prayers are with him and the rest of the family! Your mom sounds so sweet!! I guess maybe I'm being naive to think that kind of cat in the hat can be true for even the younger couples? (BTW TOOOO freak'n funny!!! I'm going to cut and paste that one!!!:rofl

Getting old is definitely for the strong at heart its a BIOTCH fur sure!!

OOOH yeah!!! His sex drive is still in overdrive!!!! I'm that way...when I want it it's ALWAYS there!!! I'm even started to kick it up a notch! We are definitely getting back to where we were years ago...still have work ( but, hey, life is a work in progress)!!!

Thanks for your input, it is truly appreciated by BOTH of us!!!


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Twenty pounds on my husband is a LOT :rofl: He looks so cute though all chubby  I look at old pics when he was heavier and he looks so cuddly!
> 
> I am about 20 pounds from my ideal "feel good/healthy" weight. Workin' on it, but in the meantime, just workin' with what I got  Boobs and a butt.


:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::rofl::rofl::rofl:WORK it that_girl!!! BTW,I'm a little late, but glad to see you back!!!


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> Actually, contrary to one of the most highly held opinions out there, yes, you can change what turns you on. Attraction varies from society to society, from time period to time period. So, it is not "in your DNA" (despite what many, many people will argue or think). It is socially constructed--meaning, we buy into what our society says. Our brains become conditioned in this way, so the belief that we "can't" change attraction is pretty strong, and it is accompanied by an equally strongly desire NOT to change.
> 
> Just thought I'd throw this in here. Obviously, people who put less emphasis on the physical component of attraction are going to have an easier time with aging, weight gain, etc, b/c they won't have to "recondition" their attraction--the inner beauty that they love is still there, so their attraction remains just as strong even when physical change happens.


:iagree:


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Best of luck 20lbs is nothing really!!


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> Actually, contrary to one of the most highly held opinions out there, yes, you can change what turns you on. Attraction varies from society to society, from time period to time period. So, it is not "in your DNA" (despite what many, many people will argue or think). It is socially constructed--meaning, we buy into what our society says. Our brains become conditioned in this way, so the belief that we "can't" change attraction is pretty strong, and it is accompanied by an equally strongly desire NOT to change.
> 
> Just thought I'd throw this in here. Obviously, people who put less emphasis on the physical component of attraction are going to have an easier time with aging, weight gain, etc, b/c they won't have to "recondition" their attraction--the inner beauty that they love is still there, so their attraction remains just as strong even when physical change happens.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I am so glad someone else is saying this. I was beginning to think there were no other folks with this perspective on TAM!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

everybody draws the line somewhere.

at 2o lbs over I'd start losing attraction
at 50 i"d be advoiding sex
at 100 i"d be out the door.


so you women say love should be blind i guess if your husband gained 100 or more you would still be sexually attracted to him as much as when he was much thinner and healthier. I say boloana

most everyone has a point where you say hmmmmmm this is crazy they arnd't even trying to look good and its just disgusting.and unhealthy and I might end up being their care taker because of their slothness and udder disreguard for their health and the consaquence to the love one around them. its like being a drug addict or alcholic.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

2sick said:


> I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. My prayers are with him and the rest of the family! Your mom sounds so sweet!! I guess maybe I'm being naive to think that kind of cat in the hat can be true for even the younger couples? (BTW TOOOO freak'n funny!!! I'm going to cut and paste that one!!!:rofl


 It it not my Mom, it is my step Mom, I never even liked her while growing up, she was TOUGH on me, didn't want me there, wanted my dad all to herself.... but we get along really good today, and thier marriage was a great example to me -even if the parenting left much to be desired .... I have always LOVED & so appreciated how much she loves my father, she was HIS perfect match- even though she was my mom's best friend ! Some marraiges was just never meant to be. 

One of their issues (among a bucketful) was my mom was not sexually attracted to him, he was a little on the husky side and she told me some yrs ago, she had a thing for really THIN men...funny cause her alcoholic husband was even weasel looking but I guess he turned her on more than my dad -most would say she was out of her mind. 

My husband was not a barrel of entertainment when I met him, he was very shy & not exactly the type women go after.... what did it for me ....HIS LOOKS -his body - he was very thin....thin turns me on. I am admittably one of those people that ....yeah, that means something to me, and I see sexual attraction as "*the glue*", it can even carry you through the harder times. 

It doesn't bother me that others find this shallow, even if they judge me , I totally totally expect this response. Most will not be honest about this subject anyway.... how many people do you know who want to open themselves up to attack , be told they are uncaring and unloving and be told they are happy they aren't married to our type ?? 





> OOOH yeah!!! His sex drive is still in overdrive!!!! I'm that way...when I want it it's ALWAYS there!!! I'm even started to kick it up a notch! We are definitely getting back to where we were years ago...still have work ( but, hey, life is a work in progress)!!!


 Honey , if you got the SEX down , doesn't sound like any attraction issues to me!! If he is raring to go...as you just described here in these couples sentences, you are well on your way .... Keep it going Bad News ! Sounds like she is rreaaallllly Happy these days !

I am even a little jealous ....I wish my husband was in "OVER DRIVE" , oh how I wish. I still have to get him going much of the time. You got me envious!


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## Bad News (Nov 4, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Honey , if you got the SEX down , doesn't sound like any attraction issues to me!! If he is raring to go...as you just described here in these couples sentences, you are well on your way .... Keep it going Bad News ! Sounds like she is rreaaallllly Happy these days !
> 
> I am even a little jealous ....I wish my husband was in "OVER DRIVE" , oh how I wish. I still have to get him going much of the time. You got me envious!


SA - I definitely plan on keep it up, uh I mean keeping it going! For the record, 2sick (the OP) has always looked terrific, and her best feature has been concealed in this recent photo!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Bad News said:


> SA - I definitely plan on keep it up, uh I mean keeping it going! For the record, 2sick (the OP) has always looked terrific, and her best feature has been concealed in this recent photo!


 Oh that is sooo sweet!!  She might want to beat you for putting that picture on here but ...maybe that will be a goood thing! Ha ha 

I was talking to my husband last night , I mentioned this thread , telling him I was jealous, I wished HE was in Overdrive... and he says back to me.... " I wish I still had Overdrive, that part of the transmission went out". Love the man's honesty- I do, but damn, I wish I had what you guys got going on! 

But it is not like I am going to trade him in for some hot young stud ya know (of course when I was high high drive that thought did cross my mind-nasty of me I know, but again because I am so attracted to him -that GLUE, I just wouldn't do that !!!)... I had to learn , which took me a little time in my newly awakened cougar state .......what is most important in marriage is that ...."emotional connection" we share with each other....this is what drives my husband , this coupled with his attraction for me. 

....But his raging LUSTful urges of yesterday are GONE, they are done.... for a time I cried over this.  I would have to starve him for like 6 days or more to get that , for him coming on to me like he is dying for it - I don't know, cause we don't wait that long to find out. 

Though I can get him going just fine, it still would be heavensent to feel his passion like a man who NEEDED it right now! You lucky dogs!! 

We also talked more about the weight thing, he couldn't give me a LB amount where he feels "the desire" would be lost as he says he never seen me like that (other than pregnant which never slowed anything down), but he is thinking if I gained like 30 or more, the desire would be slipping. Then adds even if I gained a 1,000 lbs he would still "love" me. 

But here is the thing, if he didn't DESIRE me, I would be PISSED off !! Screw the love, I need his desire-- sex means too much to me! So you see, in our case, especially since he is a Lower Test man who doesn't get it "UP" with the wind blowing anymore, I MUST stay in good shape or I am only putting a fork into my own marriaige. It is extremely important to me -how he feels in this sense. 

Looking Good 2 Sick!!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Sure, but doesn't mean I won't stop bugging her to lose it, same way she won't stop bugging me if I get out of shape. Hasn't happened since she got preggie though.


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## Bad News (Nov 4, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Oh that is sooo sweet!!  She might want to beat you for putting that picture on here but ...maybe that will be a goood thing! Ha ha


I made sure to get permission, don't you know!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Bad News said:


> I made sure to get permission, don't you know!


Very well done - as you should. What was I thinking ! :smthumbup:


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## Winrey (Dec 10, 2011)

I think many women want to know that the time put into a relationship will build the love beyond the topical of appearance, particularly in light of a new medical problem. I am capable of loving my partner and being attracted to him even when he gains weight because of who he is, not what he looks like. Some people just can't do that. Personally, I think that is sad, but what can one do if they find themsleves in a marriage or long-term relationship with someone who is more interested in how one looks than quality of character?


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Very well done - as you should. What was I thinking ! :smthumbup:


Hmmmm S.A., a slight clarification is needed...he said he was going to use the photo thing that you had mentioned...I said ok...oooops... guess computer illiterate shouldn't agree to something without knowing what they are talking about!!! :rofl::rofl:
Hey but after the comment he made..who would be upset!!! TOOO SWEET!!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

@ + 100lbs you'd have to be the one out the door. She couldn't fit. And when she keeled over from her heart exploding the fire department would have to saw a hole in the wall.


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> My wife at one time came close to 220. Still loved her, still was romantic, and still had interest to make love. How could i mention anything when she gained the majority of that through pregnancies that i was a part of. When she finally was ready, she lost the weight on her own.


awwww this is so sweet and wise


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Typical woman! He does not say anything mean. She asks him how he feels and he provides a nice and compassionate answer. She then say I really want you to tell me the truth, just tell me how you feel, communication and honesty are important in a relationship, and he finally says something and now she's mad. In your own words, you "badgered him" for an answer and are now unhappy. 

I think you should assume he is happy and loving. Not everything works perfectly. What would happy if the average guy asked, would you be happier if I made twice as much money. Would you like me better if you had a large allowance which you spend anyway you wanted. These are hard questions. I'd ask him to take you out, have him apologize and call it a day. 



I found out just last night that my husband of 16 years would not!!! I have gained 20 lbs since we have gotten married...Had 2 kids, now teenagers.... and have MS. I used to exercise at least 3x a week either running 2 to3 miles or biking 45 minutes. Now that I have MS I can't do the same things that I used to....but I do still eat healthily and walk a mile everyday. After badgering him he finally admitted that he has felt less sexually attracted to me since I put on the extra weight and admitted that if I got too big wouldn't be attracted to me at all!!!! He used to take me on weekend vacations and was quite romantic.However for the past 2 years, we have spent valentine's day (which is also my birthday) with the kids and even last year with his MOM!!!! Don't mention our anniversary....here too either with the kids or even just at home! When I married him I didn't get the sense that he was sooo superficial. I am soo angry with him I am almost tempted to just pound on the pounds and tell him f u, and after the divorce just loose all the weight I can!!! He has also shown signs of cheating even though he catagorically denies it!! (HMM) He, of course, still wants sex but refuses to be romantic!!! Am I being overly sensitive or is he just an insensitive b?!?!?[/QUOTE]


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> My wife's weight has fluctuated over the span of 80 lbs. She's been everything from a size 0 to a 16. I think she's about a size 12 now. I've always thought she was beautiful. I suppose somewhere between Olive Oil and Jabba the Hut, there'd have to be a number that I would consider a deal-breaker, but she hasn't come even close to hitting it. If a wife (or husband) hasn't gained more than 20 lbs in 16 years, I'd say their partner is very blessed, indeed.


Yes what he said. 2Sick your husband is an ass and so are the rest of the men that think like him. My wife was petite and cute when we me. Now (50 pounds later) she is cute. I just see the woman I fell in love with. 

When I was engaged I told my wife that I loved her but was marrying her more for the woman I knew she would become rather than the woman that she was then. This annoyed her a bit back then but now she totally gets it. She is educated, accomplished, articulate, compassionate (I could keep going) and I just see the woman I love. Would I be thrilled for her if she lost 50 lbs? Of course but it has not gotten in the way of the passion ever.

Tell Richard Cranium to shape up or FO!


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## jaybay (Dec 24, 2011)

I don't think that it is bad that he was truthful with you, because now you have a place to go from. If he lied and he really felt that way inside, it would probably be worse for both of you.

Now, a relationship is two parts. If he really feels this way and loves you and you want to stay together - it would be in his best interest to help you lose the weight. You could do things together to help with this - and he could help and support you, rather than just sit back and complain about it...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

No one should feel that their worthiness to be loved depends on their weight.

That is emotional abuse. When you feel that your value depends on the number on the scale, you cannot be happy with the person who puts these conditions on you.

Love is not unconditional for the most part...cheating, abuse, etc makes conditions for love. But to say, "I don't love you anymore" because someone gained weight is stupid. You may not be attracted, etc, but can you honestly say you don't love them?

Weird.


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## Mar (Dec 23, 2011)

Yes I would....To a point. Regardless of what people might say I do feel that looks, or sexual attraction, are EXTREMELY important in a relationship. Dominating factor? No, not even close. But if you gain a large amount of weight you should be prepared for loss of interest in that department which will eventually affect other areas.

20 lbs.? That's peanuts. He probably just thinks because a woman smiles at him that he can then go out and get hot women. We like to dream and think that woman want exactly what we'd like to do to them. Funny how we strike out more than we hit home runs.


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