# Need your point of view



## clarification (May 30, 2016)

Hello, first of all forgive my poor english, I'm from France. I am married since almost one year with an US girl. We met almost 3 years ago on internet (Im making videos on youtube) and I have now a problem. Just before I arrived in USA (in april 2015) she began to told me about a new post opening in the nursing home she works in (she is a registered nurse) and it is basically a team work with a manager, in a shared office. The two of them. I will call the manager Marc. The post is about bringing confort and assistance to upper class elderies that don't need that much medical treatments. It is less "crazy" than the usual nurse job. From the very beginning she told me about Marc, I perceived a changed in her ton of voice, some admiration and excitation. An enthusiasm I was used to see for me !
So I told her that I can see something is different than any other guys she tells me about, that I perceive more than a good friendship and I asked her if she have a crush on him. Her response "no. He is attractive but less than you.". Well, not wanting to break her career objective and not dictated what kind of job she should do, I told her "you want it, go for it". They chose her for the job and one of the 2 persons to decide if she deserve the job was Marc himself. I arrived in USA in April 2015 -definitely. The US legislation required that our marriage has to happen in a period of 3 months after my arrival , we got married in July 2015. She began the new job in June 2015. Just before, I found a her note book and yes Im weak I took a look at it and one of the 2nd or third pages I opened was untitled "boys I like and one of the 3 paragraph was about this marc. Some of the sentence I didn't forget was "he's married with 2 kids but damn he is a manly man". Another sentence was 'I used to be self conscioud while around him but now I got over it and I can tease in the way I know". Another sentence about him was "with whom else in the nursing home I can get out with nice feelings? ........" I told her about it and she told me that it's over. That it have nothing to do with her interested in the job and that I can not blame her about feelings she had for someone before to even know me". Fair enough I suppose.
Since then, I discovered that the office she shared with Marc is a 4 room appartment with 1 bathroom (with shower), one kitchen + 2 rooms transformated in offices . The whole thing can be locked from a principal door. It's an appartment. So really a feeling of intimacy tha you don't see in a regular job. I didn't had a proof of nothing except that since the past 6-7 months, our sexual life is only in the decrease , from 4-5 time a week to 1 or 2 time a week. She cried twice during the thing since I arrived (before it happened to us she wrote to me that it had happened with her exs). And no later than last saturday, I found a note engraved in the wood of the front wall of my garage (inside our garage so someone had to enter -our electric door is a tricky one and sometime would not close all the way). Let's suppose that my wife's name is Samantha : the note on the wall was exactly "Samantha + M ?" . And ithe only thing I have to precise is the "+" was surrounded by a heart. And after the M, an interogative dot mark.. It was in the evening that I noticed it, my wife was already sleeping. I woke up her and asked her if she ever wrote something on our garage wall. She confirmed that she didn't. I brought her to read the message and her reaction was a lot of anger and refusing to admit that it is normal for me to ask her about it and that I make a big deal about something that was maybe wrote here since years...... And that my lack of trust is destroying our couple". 
Now, before to share your response, I want to say that I am not perfect, I am an insecure person and I know that my behavior could have push her in the arm of another one. But I want also to have a external view, without concessions and let me know how much I am paranoid about her relation with her co-worker and let me know what you think this message on our garage door could be (which the more I think about it the more I assume is a message adressed to me (certainly member of the staff of her work) to make me aware of her having an affair. I can not really see something help. And the "M" match the first letter of her manager.. SO. What a cosmic coincidence....
Thanks for your help. if you need precisions, just ask


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

First and most important question: If you get divorced, what happens to your status in the US?


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

clarification said:


> Since then, I discovered that the office she shared with Marc is a 4 room appartment with 1 bathroom (with shower), one kitchen + 2 rooms transformated in offices .
> 
> If she's started taking a gym bag with towels, deodorant, change of underwear and the like to work, there ain't no speculation. But on the bright side, with that set up, there's no need she bring him to your house.
> 
> ...


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I don't think she's been having sex with him, but I think she wants to.

And I don't think she's over the moon to be married to you.

So what do you want to do about that?


----------



## clarification (May 30, 2016)

I want the truth from her, since the way she responds to my question is some cries or very upset reactions and I asked her several time if she wanted me to leave and it seems to be a terrible perspective. Like really worried. She , again today, told me "I didn't betrayed you -ever. This is a fact". And I already let her know that for the importance of our couple, if we really trust in it, we should begin by say out loud our falts, mistakes and expectation. To give a chance to our couple. But the reaction is always that with all she does for me (she earns actually 3 to 4 times my salary) and all the support she gives me that I should have stop to question her since a long time. 
I am ready to assume my part of responsability. If she wants me here, I am still willing to build something. But I want the truth. I don't want to fake this is all about my lack of confidence in her relation with men (she always has been more likely to be friend to men , this is what she told me) and I want feed back from few of you. 
I see her love for me though . I have some solid proof that she cares about me; it's not like she seems to not live with me anymore. She has project, she always come with ideas for futur. But I need the truth, I can not bear to see her not making a big deal of what happened on the wall and saying , after crying and telling me that "this is constant questionnement with me", she says that it was a test from God and that somehow she is not worry because it will resolve by itself. 
No change in her attitude (to respond to The pheonix) , she never put make up and she generally wear more sexy cloth with me than for work. I also think that the shower never has been used in the office (I piece of dust is at the exact same place and there is some diapers inside the bathroom too (for elderies -lack of room) and it seems right at the same spot too). So, sometime Im wondering if I am just boarder-crazy or if she makes it smart-ass. And she is from the smart ones so today I came and ask you guys what do you think?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Stop badgering her. 

Stop questioning her over every thing. I am not asking you to ignore your feelings of doubt and mistrust. I want you to keep them hidden.

Start acting like a confident, strong man. If you do not, she will become the person that you fear.....a liar and cheater.

Women like confident men. You are not THIS person. But you can be.....on the surface. If she sees you acting confident and manly, she will assume that is who you are. That is good!

Plan and execute fun things for you and her to do together. They do not have to involve money, just fun times together.

Make her happy she chose you as her husband........she DID CHOSE YOU, do not make her REGRET her decision.

If you doubt her feelings and actions, as mentioned earlier, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.

Zip your lip, when insecure feelings come to the surface [in your mind].

Look at her directly in the eye and smile a lot! Remember

If you cannot suppress the need to monitor her behavior, if you cannot stop being a detective, then do it secretly.

If you actually discover questionable behavior or speech from your wife, keep it secret and bring it to this blog's attention...TAM.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bienvenue à parler de mariage. Désolé, vous êtes ici, mais heureux que vous nous avez trouvé.

(Translation from "Welcome to Talk About Marriage. Sorry you are here, but glad you found us", by Google Translate)

You need to contact the nearest French Consular office as they will be able to advise you of your legal position.

Also, see a US Avocat, especially one who has experience with your kind of case.


----------



## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

So....who wrote the message on the door?


----------



## clarification (May 30, 2016)

I see she is suffering. She is sad and tell me that she just need me to be happy of what we have and begin to trust, to have more faith. It's harder than I thought and I struggle to create connections, so I found myself extra dependant of her judgement of me and I found myself being much more negative about my abilities while I was much more free in my mind before. I used to make jokes, now I am close and if we still have some laughts and chat, we are both more moody and crual in our words during dispute. I think that to found this notebook completly disturbed me. Like if her plan of career was to have more excitation and just enjoy some gentle flirt -or more- with a person she obviously feel attracted to. This new job is less well paid than the one she had before but "more easy, more meaningfull"and what was some small signals for me became important facts since this message appeared on our wall few days ago. And if i can make several days without making a big deal that she is working with a guy that she really find attractive and that she maybe chose to postulate for it because of Marc, I will eventually come back to it when I feel low and somehow beging for reassurance. I feel weak, I feel mean to her sometime. But I feel like i have tangible reasons to worry about her faithfulness to me. I have failed to provide her good energies at all coast, and I'm asking if you think she, too, has failed to honor the marriage vows. And advices are still welcome, as yours SunCMars. In my heart, I think that we still have the key of our life in hands. I love her.


----------



## clarification (May 30, 2016)

philreag said:


> So....who wrote the message on the door?


that is the question. One thing that made me even more suspicious was that she didn't seem to be curious about who could have wrote that. IN OUR PROPERTY. Engrave on the wood as to underline this is important. And so knowing my wife as a very very (very) curious person, in my mind her not recalling this mystery and only speaks about it when I do, it let me think she knows what it's about, that she even knows who wrote it. But "I make big deals out of nothing". She also spoke to me about a girl working at the nursing home , for the first time 5 days ago and she is very rude about her. And my wife tells me that this person is quiting the nursing home, but it seems like there is something between the two that I don't know about and I wonder if the girl quit or has been fired. And I am wondering if this person could be the autor of the message on the wall. Like a vengeance and Samantha, after telling me 'I highly doubt she is the one" told me not more than 2 minutes later "it is very plausible she made it" . :|


----------



## clarification (May 30, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> First and most important question: If you get divorced, what happens to your status in the US?


I'm "CONDITIONALLY" in permanent resident status - and will be for two years. Often obscure conditions in the laws...


----------



## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

clarification said:


> that is the question. One thing that made me even more suspicious was that she didn't seem to be curious about who could have wrote that. IN OUR PROPERTY. Engrave on the wood as to underline this is important. And so knowing my wife as a very very (very) curious person, in my mind her not recalling this mystery and only speaks about it when I do, it let me think she knows what it's about, that she even knows who wrote it. But "I make big deals out of nothing". She also spoke to me about a girl working at the nursing home , for the first time 5 days ago and she is very rude about her. And my wife tells me that this person is quiting the nursing home, but it seems like there is something between the two that I don't know about and I wonder if the girl quit or has been fired. And I am wondering if this person could be the autor of the message on the wall. Like a vengeance and Samantha, after telling me 'I highly doubt she is the one" told me not more than 2 minutes later "it is very plausible she made it" . :|


Find who wrote the message and you will be one step closer to figuring out what is going on with your wife.

Your wife doesn't like her for some reason. Could be this other girl had a relationship with Marc and is afraid your wife may cut in on it or tell others about it.

Many unanswered questions.


----------



## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Nothing is worth talking about until you demand that she leaves her position there.

That is Step One


----------



## clarification (May 30, 2016)

philreag said:


> Find who wrote the message and you will be one step closer to figuring out what is going on with your wife.
> 
> Your wife doesn't like her for some reason. Could be this other girl had a relationship with Marc and is afraid your wife may cut in on it or tell others about it.
> 
> Many unanswered questions.


no, the lady really is not attractive (Samantha went on her facebook and showed me some pictures of her while criticizing her about her past judicial convictions) and would not fit Marc taste , Im pretty sure. But this lady is also a priest, and I am wondering if she maybe knows something that I don't. Maybe she saw them in an innapropriate situation...


----------



## clarification (May 30, 2016)

eric1 said:


> Nothing is worth talking about until you demand that she leaves her position there.
> 
> That is Step One


She says since several weeks that she wants to leave the job. But no serious/active research from her. She also complained a lot about Marc since 1-2 months, while she generally spoke a minimum about him previously. Maybe a way to speak about him anyway, because she can't help but think about him?


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

If you ever want to know the truth,play dumb and happy and investigate clandestinely.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

VAR her car. That is step 1


----------



## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my friend. 

Maybe your wife didnt have sex with him but she definitely wants to cross that line. She is having Emotional Affair.

You can talk with your lawyer,therapist,mother,God but it will not help you and your situation will not change. You know why? Because she works with him. 

Stay strong.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

clarification said:


> that is the question. One thing that made me even more suspicious was that she didn't seem to be curious about who could have wrote that. IN OUR PROPERTY. :|


Come on my man, if it wasn't you that wrote it, you can narrow it down to who had access to the inside of the garage. It ain't a mystery who the prime suspect is.


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

She wrote the note. Mystery solved. She probably married you because you are her plan B. Marc is her plan A, but he is unavailable because he is married. 

She married you to stop her from throwing herself at Marc which will end up badly as he more than likely will reject her. Him being unavailable has made her idolize him. That's why the immature gesture of writing that message on the garage door. 

Stop pestering her. It's not in you best interest to do so. If she does love Marc but she can't have him, what are going to do?


----------



## clarification (May 30, 2016)

Sports Fan said:


> VAR her car. That is step 1


no need for that. We share one car, I bring her to work and pick her every evening, the only time she takes the car alone is for 10-15min drive for groceries and so. This is one of the fact that really focus my attention on Marc, since he is the only man that she hangs out with when Im not around. She doesn't need to make some rides if her secret lover is everyday at the work place...


----------



## clarification (May 30, 2016)

ThePheonix said:


> Come on my man, if it wasn't you that wrote it, you can narrow it down to who had access to the inside of the garage. It ain't a mystery who the prime suspect is.


So, first, yeah that's not me !!!! 0
Im not sure if you are saying she is the autor of the message (which I highly doubt because she seems trap and destabilize since the message appeared. It really is not playing in her favor I would say) or if this is her lover that wrote it ? Indeed, Im sure he knows our adress but, again, when my wife is not at work (Im a videographer working at home) we are almost always together. It doen't make a lot of sense to me that Marc would come here to write that. Unless he is maybe ready to have more than an adventure with her and that he is trying to make me 'leave the boat' ?


----------



## clarification (May 30, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> She wrote the note. Mystery solved. She probably married you because you are her plan B. Marc is her plan A, but he is unavailable because he is married.
> 
> She married you to stop her from throwing herself at Marc which will end up badly as he more than likely will reject her. Him being unavailable has made her idolize him. That's why the immature gesture of writing that message on the garage door.
> 
> Stop pestering her. It's not in you best interest to do so. If she does love Marc but she can't have him, what are going to do?


As I responded above, she seems sorry and depressed since the message appeared, it's like it put her in front of reality. Since this message, sometime she looks at me with a sorry look on the face, like if she is apologizing of something with the eyes-but still keep her secret quite. 


I decided to stop pressuring her. This morning I was thinking that if I do really care for our futur and that I want to build something in the long term, maybe I should begin to focus on the area I failed her (moodiness, negativity, lack of enthusiasm, confidence, trust) and once I estimate that Im doing all the efforts I can realistically produce, it's at this moment that I will decide if yes or not I think my wife is hiding something. I want to keep my eyes open but I also want her to realize what she could lost (and maybe today what she could lost is not enough to make her hugely worry...).
btw I want to thanks everyone who participated to this topic so far. It helps me to clarify my mind .


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Your plan is good. Focus on what you can fix which is YOU. 

Remember she married you. She wants to stay married to YOU. 

Your marriage is difficult, but think about your future. You moved to a new country and you obviously want to stay here. It's better for you to try to win your wife back and save your marriage. Marc is fantasy.


----------



## clarification (May 30, 2016)

oh and one important fact is that when we first begin to exchange message on internet (she contacted me towards videos I make on youtube) she never told me that she was actually living with a guy. He actually contacted me 2 months after our internet exchanges began and asked me what was my intention with her since she has a boyfriend. I responded to the guy and apologize signifying him it never has been mentionned by her. And second step was to ask her about it and her defense was that they were not mating since a long time, that they lived in separate room , that she asked him several time to stop calling her "my girlfriend" and that the only reason she kept him around was because of their friendship and his financial difficulties. But still. It was something not neccessary to hide at all if it was the way she presented it. He definitively moved out of her house one month later after he wrote me (which at the period was a confirmation that they were not in couple anymore).


----------



## clarification (May 30, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> Your plan is good. Focus on what you can fix which is YOU.
> 
> Remember she married you. She wants to stay married to YOU.
> 
> Your marriage is difficult, but think about your future. You moved to a new country and you obviously want to stay here. It's better for you to try to win your wife back and save your marriage. Marc is fantasy.


thx for the message. I know that she loves me. I know it. I am just worried about how good I will be to stay in control of myself. When I think that this message will stay in our garage and that I will lay my eyes on it almost everyday. .. It seems like a true test for me.


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

So, she cheated on her boyfriend to make moves on you? Now, you are in her boyfriend's position.
See a pattern? She is like a monkey, will not let go of one branch until she has grasp on another.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Take the advice you have gotten, and follow it----as to the garage message---forget it, it may be recent, it may be from long ago---------as to your paperwork from the gov't.----a friend of mine brought over his now wife, from Burma---he married her in Sept.----they still DO NOT HAVE HER CARD, and paperwork----she needs to go home to handle family problems, in re: parents medical difficulties, but w/out her card she can't leave and comeback---she is stuck here till the gov't gives her, her card----and nobody seems to know when that will be------------just do the best you can, with what you have


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

clarification said:


> She says since several weeks that she wants to leave the job. But no serious/active research from her. She also complained a lot about Marc since 1-2 months, while she generally spoke a minimum about him previously. Maybe a way to speak about him anyway, because she can't help but think about him?


Your written English is readable...decipher-able. No worries on this fear !!

Relax.....for now. She is "considering" leaving her JOB.... Why? I do not know....you do not know. Maybe, to diffuse [as in de-fusing a harmful bomb]. Leaving her job [considering]...at this point....APPEARS a good situation. 

*SHE NEEDS TO QUIT THE JOB*. Nudge her gently into doing this. Tell her that her marriage must come first. Say it once...not...over..and over..and over, again!

She likely has conflicting emotions and concerns about leaving her job. She did say that she liked the position. The job was in a nursing home, yes?. Those jobs can be very heart-painful as newly made patient/friends leave this realm for the next realm...frequently. 

The fact that SHE like the job shows her as a Saint....hopefully not a Sinner, staying employed for nefarious and Unter-Handen reasons.


Conjecture:
She may still have feelings for Marc. Remember, Marc is married, [yes?] With children [yes?]. If she did/had have feelings for this man, than they remain fantasies....wishful thinking....

We HOPE the portrait shows nothing more. 

Her feelings for him are now in the light of day and the feelings are hollow, un-reciprocated...now found to be foolish.

Or- this is nonsense. You know nothing...tick, tick, tick 

God forbid, the below stanza is true:

Hickory Dikory Dock,
The wife jumped over the clock, 
The clock struck eight 8, 
She ate some cake, 
Hickory Dikory Dock!

Time will be the prikly messenger. The timely-barbs of Nuncio are always neutral, as Truth has no allegiance, to none but Reality.

Let this episode play out. You are but one man in a world of billions. No force or Tinkerbell will allow you a single wish.

Again...be strong...be happy. Don a suit of handsome armor. Shield yourself from any doubts. Your wife knows the harm that her current action is causing. Make it easy for her to honor your marriage and her vows to you.

When she rants and rages...SMILE for the life of YOU and Smile for Your Marriage. A pleasant smile disarms the most conflicted women. 

Tell her that you love her. Show her that you love her. If she shows disrespect, show her a Strong Man, not Needy and crying. Help her through this mess.

Others on this site, TAM, [may] soon tell you to employ the steps in the [180 method].

I say NOT YET. I love this method. But it will not [likely] save YOUR marriage. It will save you from further inter-personal pain.


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

That's why I said your marriage is difficult. Your wife picks up strays. You need her and you are already here. Make the best of it. Try to be happy with the choice you made and work on keeping the life you moved from so far 

What is best for you? Making your marriage miserable and getting deported back to France or making this difficult marriage work for YOU?


----------



## clarification (May 30, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> That's why I said your marriage is difficult. Your wife picks up strays. You need her and you are already here. Make the best of it. Try to be happy with the choice you made and work on keeping the life you moved from so far
> 
> What is best for you? Making your marriage miserable and getting deported back to France or making this difficult marriage work for YOU?


I want to believe in myself again ...
I noticed how much the way I perceive myself PLAY directly in the way I talk, move, think, decide. And I feel like I slowly lost my strength the more I began to compare myself to this guy. Manager, 40 years old, ex firefighter :surprise::frown2: and ****ing black belt in tae kwon do or whatever. I don't know how much he is bull****ting her. He is apparently over-talking about his daughter, which make me wonder about if this is a sign that maybe with his wife (that he met on internet too!!! a russian) it's not working so well. Maybe.
So, yes. Once I buid my confidence again, I will also construct better foundations for our marriage . I have to stop comparing myself.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have a book for you to read; it will help you understand how spouses stay happy in marriage (and are thus less likely to look elsewhere):
His Needs Her Needs, by Harley

The next book is for you to learn how to be a strong men - women usually ONLY are attracted to strong men:
No More Mr Nice Guy

and I suggest you find a therapist to go to who will help you gain self confidence.


----------



## clarification (May 30, 2016)

Thank you for the book suggestion
I am the skinny kind but well shaped. So even if I receive compliment (I know Im not ugly) I sometimes have a complex about musculation. Im not saying to be strong is all about musculation and Im sure that if you advise me this book it's certainly because it respond to this kind of questionings.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> She wrote the note.
> 
> That's why the immature gesture of writing that message on the garage door.


Yes, I thought this was, also.... Immature! On her part.

Marrying someone from overseas? I am NOT going to speculate on this. I would be [forced] to take a hard look at her psychological state-of-mind. Her reality seems to revolve around fantasy. One that searches the outer realms for what....companionship....excitement...fulfillment. 

I see her Hard-Love-Vapor dissipating and being re-figured to Fleeting and Fleeing Lesser Demons.

I hope she changes. I hope she gets a grip....a grip on the Goodness that You are, OP.

A Neptunian child, she be. I would be very, very Noy-Vass.

I assume that she did graduate from college. If so, her mental capabilities have some semblance of strength. 

She may be flaky...she may be flawed. She is your wife. Help her, if POSSIBLE. 

Unless THAT possible... gets incinerated by future blistering Wayward Winds, that all your quenching fluids, cannot tamp down. 

How old is she? How old are you?

Did I miss this information?


----------



## clarification (May 30, 2016)

I want to tell that I am myself struggling with behavior problems. Some childhood trauma that certainly created patterns in my identity. These patterns include a fear of abandon and an excessive need of recognition. She tells me that it makes her be less spontaneous and that I am repressing her. Iam the creator of a youtube channel that make more or less a million views a month and I think it was one of the excitement in our relation. She contacted me and was the first girl who seemed to fit my views (I didn't created the channel in this purpose though! it happened to work this way) and she was charming, I have to say. And after 8 months and hundreds of messages, we decided to meet for the first time in summer 2014. All went well for 3 months, no fights and I wasn't the needy person I am today.
I think that myself in search of a a true fairy tale story I did make her feel like I was the best person in the world and more influential than I trully am. She did told me that she learned about her past mistakes and that she saw me as a chance to not repeated these mistakes. Both of us wanted to repair something from our past and both seem to make the same mistakes. I think that we both have hard time to match the romantic wishes and expectations one toward the other, I think that she loves me today more as a friend and a conforting presence but I feel like our sexual bond slowly disappeared and, in bed, it's been a while I didn't see the white of her eyes.


----------



## clarification (May 30, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> How old is she? How old are you?
> 
> Did I miss this information?


No, I forgot to mention it. We both are 29.


----------



## clarification (May 30, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> I assume that she did graduate from college. If so, her mental capabilities have some semblance of strength.


she did graduate. With some honorable rate.
She is an 'Atlas Shrugged' fanatic, too. She identifies a lot with the philosophy of this book.


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Ok,so you two jumped into marriage too fast. Now that reality has set in and you are both seeing who you two really are, you are having difficulties. Well, she doesn't want a divorce and you don't either; then simply accept that you will have trouble adjusting to the reality that neither one of you is who you thought you were. Try to get that spark back in the bedroom. You had it once, you can get it again.

Keep posting and read the books you were told. 

Go to individual counseling to deal with your insecurities as they are affecting your marriage. Let go of Marc. He is not important if he is not available to your wife. Hopefully, she will leave the job where she sees him everyday. At least she wants to leave and get a new job. That is a positive for your sense of relief.


----------



## clarification (May 30, 2016)

well, in true she is actually thinking about being more imply at the nursing home and want to have her job title modified; she is ready to carry more responsabilities since she told me she is already taking managerial decisions instead of him (that she depicted as lazy lately , she is thinking that he let her make most of the job since he saw that she can make run things without his help). Now, she wants a raise and status adjustment. It was really in the previous months that she was talking the most about quiting...

"Not available" maybe , but not interested in having fun (maybe at home it is not fulfilling anymore for him neither) ? This nursing home area is also different than you generally find. It is extremely tricky to just show up, all the entrance doors are locked up! You need to go to the reception and they make a call. The buidings is really big, endless corridors and A LOT of quite areas and empty rooms. The section they both care about has 27 residents but could welcome more than 40. So I feel like it is really a place she can feel secure from me showing up randomly and secure about the threatening of being catch by other members of the staff (it's really not crowded and as you know elderies don't spend the day making goings and comings (well, most of them)). So , her job will stay a stressful factor for me.


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

clarification said:


> well, in true she is actually thinking about being more imply at the nursing home and has her status
> 
> "Not available" maybe , but not interested in having fun (maybe at home it is not fulfilling anymore for him) ? This nursing home area is also different than you generally find. It is extremely tricky to just show up, all the entrance doors are locked up! You need to go to the reception and they make a call. The buidings is really big, endless corridors and A LOT of quite areas and empty rooms. The section they both care about has 27 residents but could welcome more than 40. So it's more or less a torture for the mind for me since it sounds like if people wanted to have affairs there, it seems like quite an easy place to do so.


Your insecurities are making you crazy with jealousy. 

You know she is attracted to him because you read her journal. That's not a cold that she caught, attraction will not go away in a week; so she is still very attracted to him.

If he wanted to have fun with her, she would have already told you to leave so that she could be happy with Marc. This has NOT happened. He is NOT interested in your wife for anything sexual. It's a one sided, platonic affair on her side. Why do you push your own buttons? Stop this nonsense! Be happy and try to win back your wife.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

clarification said:


> She is an 'Atlas Shrugged' fanatic, too. She identifies a lot with the philosophy of this book.


“A man's sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions.... He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value, will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer--because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement.”
― Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged 

Just before, I found a her note book and yes Im weak I took a look at it and one of the 2nd or third pages I opened was untitled "boys I like and one of the 3 paragraph was about this marc. Some of the sentence I didn't forget was "he's married with 2 kids but damn he is a manly man".


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

clarification said:


> Thank you for the book suggestion
> I am the skinny kind but well shaped. So even if I receive compliment (I know Im not ugly) I sometimes have a complex about musculation. Im not saying to be strong is all about musculation and Im sure that if you advise me this book it's certainly because it respond to this kind of questionings.


When I say strong, I mean mentally. Like, not putting up with crap from her, knowing you can walk away and be ok, not apologizing if you have nothing to apologize for...that kind of thing.

Women can't desire weak men - men who kiss their ass, men who let the woman make all the decisions, men who give up what they want to keep her happy or avoid conflict. Women lose respect for men like that, get mad at them, even leave them or cheat on them.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

clarification said:


> I want to tell that I am myself struggling with behavior problems. Some childhood trauma that certainly created patterns in my identity. These patterns include a fear of abandon and an excessive need of recognition.


Then you should be in therapy every week. You have a LOT of work to do.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ThePheonix said:


> "but damn he is a manly man".


Well, there you go. Your low self esteem, your childhood issues, your insecurity and self doubt MAKE you NOT a manly man. They make you a "Nice Guy" from the book I recommended.

The only fix for this is for you to go to therapy.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

clarification said:


> she did graduate. With some honorable rate.
> She is an 'Atlas Shrugged' fanatic, too. She identifies a lot with the philosophy of this book.


Who is John Galt?

Be John Galt for Dagney Talbert.....no for your wife.

I did not expect this. When young, I read all of Rand's works.

Which character in the book does she like [best] in Ayn Rand's masterpiece?

If the Heroine....good...if the Hero...problematic, you will have big shoes to ballroom-dance in!

The theme of the book is this. The creative-dynamic workers, inventors, scientists, entrepreneurs, independent businessmen get tired of carrying the rest of the country on their backs. They get tired of the endless criticism, corruption and selfishness. So they leave. They leave the rats, mice and the leeches to fend for themselves. Well, you know the outcome to this.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SunCMars said:


> Which character in the book does she like [best] in Ayn Rand's masterpiece?


This is actually very important. When I read it 30 years ago, I was all Dagney's affair, not realizing what it really was. When I read it again recently, I was disgusted.


----------

