# My wife is just killing me....



## Struggle Within

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but I'd love to have others opinions to this situation. 

I am a guy who has been married for 5 years. My wife and I are 30. No kids. Own a house together. The downfall of our marriage all came down to sex. My wife has the highest drive I have ever seen. Wanting it 2-3 times nightly. There was a point last year where I was pretty stressed out at my job, came home pretty tired and well, was just plain not interested a lot of times. She asked me to see a doctor to make sure everything was OK 'down there'. I admit, I played it off and didn't believe I needed to. (eventually I did go see a doctor and nothing was physically wrong. Just a lot of stress. I even got some samples of the ED meds to try out. Was fun!) 

Anyway, over that time my wife became VERY secretive in her behavior. Texting a lot more and turning around so i couldn't see her laptop screen when I walked in the room. Red flags are just going off in my head. Turns out she was chatting to guys 6-8 hours a night. To cut to the chase, she was contacting guys on Craigslist to sleep with! ugh!!!! So eventually I did what I had to do. I guessed her email password and saw it all laid out before me. She had lied about going shopping one Sunday and met a guy and they did oral stuff. I got mad and asked her to leave the house. 30 minutes later she drives back in crying her eyes out. We talked for a long while. Said she wanted to try an open marriage because she wasn't getting enough sex. Stupidly, I agreed. One, because I was sure I was going to divorce her (I did go talk to a lawyer after that) and Two, because she was my first true love and it's hard to let that go.

A couple months pass. She gets some action. I don't. I came close but women don't give it up so easily (unless it's my wife, she'll do anybody). I attempt to kick her out of the house again and we talk divorce. We call off the open marriage stuff instead. I'm depressed that I'm losing my first love and stick around (Stupidly). Anyway, for some reason my wife keeps insisting she needs 'guy friends'. She says she gets along with guys better because woman have too much drama to be friends with. I say I'm not comfortable with that and she comes back with, "what, I'm not aloud to have any friends?". She doesn't want couple friends. She wants guy friends she can go do 1-on-1 stuff with. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that what your spouse is supposed to be for???

The thing is, she constantly flirts and talks all about sex with these guys. She even sends them lingerie pictures. I'm a private kind of person and I don't want everybody knowing what we do, or don't do. It pisses me off so much! My wife also falls in love with people VERY easy. She can talk to a guy for a few hours and develop a deep crush on them. It's happened twice in the past 5 months.

We tried a joint marriage counselor and neither of us were happy with it. We told our stories within a few sessions. Then the lady comes back and basically tells us she can help us communicate better and tries to sell us on some program. I wasn't impressed. I was happy the marriage counselor agreed with me and asked my wife, "couldn't you get this behavior over with in your early years before you got married?"

The final kicker for me is that we went on vacation last week. We used to keep a journal and write about everything we did during the day. Well, when she passed out to sleep I looked at what she wrote. It wasn't about our day. It was about how much she missed some other guy (I think I know who it is). 

So go ahead and tell me how crazy I am to stay. She was my first true love and I wanted so much to keep that. But she is a totally different person from who I've married. I also can't stand the fact she is an alcoholic too. As if things were not already bad enough, right? She'll drink a bottle of wine (+) a night if she can. I am just 100% miserable in my marriage. She has emotionally drained me with this roller coaster ride and I don't trust her anymore than I could throw her. I'm stupid for thinking she'll change back. I'm stupid for letting her walk over me. I'm stupid for waiting around when there is a woman out there who would appreciate who I am.

In my early 30's, I still have plenty time to have fun. 
Thanks for reading.


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## Jellybeans

Who is the OM? Is he married? What do you know about him? You need to expose the affair. If he is married, you need to tell his wife or partner STAT.


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## Struggle Within

This is going to sound really bad....

The other "MEN" are guys from craigslist that she hasn't known more than 6 months. I think 2 are single, 2 are married and the guy who I think she has a new crush on is going through his 3rd divorce. This is just what I've known from reading emails/chats.

I've met 2 of the guys in person already who she swears are strictly platonic friendships. Yet, I've seen her texts and chats with these guys and they normally throw the words around of "honey, sweetie, love, baby" all over each other. My wife just tells me that she loves them 'as friends' and it's harmless flirting. Yet, I've told her I'm not comfortable with it.... go figure! She doesn't care!

I couldn't care less about any of these people. I'm at the point where I'm just going to say "fine, go be with them" and throw my ring at her. Makes me sick to my stomach.


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## Jellybeans

Ok, first off, it sounds like your wife is a sex addict. Seriously. 

You said she wants sex 2-3x a night and is also posting ads online for it.

Was she ever abused? Just curious

You need to get tested for STDs yesterday. No bull. She is putting you at risk for getting something each time she goes of w/ other dudes.

The guy she wrote about in her diary--who is he? Is he married/partnered? If he is, tell his wife/girlfriend.

The other issue I see here is that you AGREED to ahve an open marriage with her and now you don't want it. So you need to tell her you aren't down with that anymore. And mean it. she is going to continue her ways because frankly, you haven't given her any need not to (by agreeing to an open marriage) and by not having any boundaries in your marriage.


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## Sanity

Dear lord man stop posting here, send a check to the lawyer for the retainer and divorce this walking STD. Thank God there are no kids involved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Struggle Within

Jellybeans said:


> Ok, first off, it sounds like your wife is a sex addict. Seriously.
> 
> You said she wants sex 2-3x a night and is also posting ads online for it.
> 
> Was she ever abused? Just curious
> 
> You need to get tested for STDs yesterday. No bull. She is putting you at risk for getting something each time she goes of w/ other dudes.
> 
> The guy she wrote about in her diary--who is he? Is he married/partnered? If he is, tell his wife/girlfriend.
> 
> The other issue I see here is that you AGREED to ahve an open marriage with her and now you don't want it. So you need to tell her you aren't down with that anymore. And mean it. she is going to continue her ways because frankly, you haven't given her any need not to (by agreeing to an open marriage) and by not having any boundaries in your marriage.


No, no abuse from her early years. Her dad was an alcoholic and kinda strict with her in her younger years though.

Open marriage has already ended 3 months ago. She still wants "platonic" guy friends to go hang out with now. 

The guy "I think" she wrote about missing, he is on his 3rd divorce. His wife or whatever lives in another state. No way to spread the word.

I'll probably confront her this weekend.


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## mr.miketastic

Struggle Within said:


> No, no abuse from her early years. Her dad was an alcoholic and kinda strict with her in her younger years though.
> 
> Open marriage has already ended 3 months ago. She still wants "platonic" guy friends to go hang out with now.
> 
> The guy "I think" she wrote about missing, he is on his 3rd divorce. His wife or whatever lives in another state. No way to spread the word.
> 
> I'll probably confront her this weekend.


I wouldn't even bother. It's past time for that. Get tested, and then kick her to the curb.


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## unreal

It's really simple. Tell your wife to either take the blue or red pill. The blue pill being save our marriage stop talking/flirting with those guys or the red pill end marriage there is no compromise here.


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## Jellybeans

^ I agree 100%. There are only two options: 

Work on marriage and no cheating or
I'm done.

There is no grey area, no middle ground for it.

Love the Matrix reference, btw!


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## Struggle Within

You guys just gave me an idea with that matrix reference!

On one side of the table I'm going to put down her laptop, cell phone, and a bottle of red wine.

On the other side my wedding ring.

And tell her to make a choice. I don't mean to be funny here, but it's just so true. And really, I shouldn't even give her a choice. I should just make my choice and be done with it all. It's just so difficult and sad it has to come to this. Like all people on this site I never imagined this would ever happen. I just want to remember what it's like to be happy in life... because I've forgotten what it feels like. Gotta make that happen!


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## Jellybeans

Why the red wine? Keep that for yourself  One should never reward bad behavior and I'd much rather keep a bottle of red for myself than give it to someone who is constantly betraying me. 

Correct - This isn't meant to be funny - it's no laughing matter. Either you get some self-respect and tell her what you won't tolerate or you let her walk all over your, putting you at risk for multiple STDs from multiple men. She has no respect for you, Struggle. And she won't until you tell her what the score deal is.

Remove "her choices" as an option. Tell her what YOUR decision is. Lead!


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## Catherine602

Struggle Within said:


> You guys just gave me an idea with that matrix reference!
> 
> On one side of the table I'm going to put down her laptop, cell phone, and a bottle of red wine.
> 
> On the other side my wedding ring.
> 
> And tell her to make a choice. I don't mean to be funny here, but it's just so true. And really, I shouldn't even give her a choice. I should just make my choice and be done with it all. It's just so difficult and sad it has to come to this. Like all people on this site I never imagined this would ever happen. I just want to remember what it's like to be happy in life... because I've forgotten what it feels like. Gotta make that happen!


What was she like before marriage. How well did you know her before marriage? Did she keep her true nature under wraps until marriage? Was she faithful before marriage. Did she flirt with other guys?

I ask those questions to get an idea of the woman you feel in love with. If she bears no resemblance to the woman she is now, then you have already lost you first true love, unfortunately. You are looking for her to come back. 

I don't understand why the relentless sex drive, maybe it is because she is 30 and got the typical surge that is happens at that age. 

Clearly, you want to be married to a woman who loves and cares about you and will remain faithful. Moreover, you want a sober person. If you are planning to have children it is too risky to do so with a person who may damage the fetus with alcohol consumption and/or continue drinking as the child grows up. Also alcoholism has hereditary tendencies. 

You have an unfortunate situation and you need to decide what you want to have as a partner, present that to her and if she chooses not to be that person then, you will have to let her go. It is a difficult choice but it is up to you and what you want.


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## Struggle Within

Catherine602 said:


> What was she like before marriage. How well did you know her before marriage? Did she keep her true nature under wraps until marriage? Was she faithful before marriage. Did she flirt with other guys?
> 
> I ask those questions to get an idea of the woman you feel in love with. If she bears no resemblance to the woman she is now, then you have already lost you first true love, unfortunately. You are looking for her to come back.
> 
> I don't understand why the relentless sex drive, maybe it is because she is 30 and got the typical surge that is happens at that age.


We dated 2 years before getting married. It was wonderful all the way through the first 4 years of marriage. So that is like 6 years of happiness with her. We did everything together and she had no problems reading her emails in front of me and telling me everything. She told me she was always insecure about her looks early in life. Suddenly, she threw that out the window, her sex drive blew up more... and its all over then. She only had like 2 close friends during the early years. Now she has 6 close guy friends she just met off craigslist. Claims they are only platonic friends (not the 2 she slept with)... but still wants to hang out with them 1 on 1. ugh....

She is a totally different person than who I married. Without a doubt. One of our mutual friends agreed she is a totally different person then she was 5 years ago.

After this weekend I'll either be posting an update here or in the next forum over...


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## morituri

Stop living in the past and plan for your future. If your wife wants to be a part of that future, then she's going to have to prove to you through solid actions that she is serious about being a real wife, otherwise it's time to end the marriage. Sorry to be blunt but sometimes we all need a good a$$ kicking to get moving.


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## sisters359

Your wife's behavior suggests something is seriously wrong with her and it is likely tied to sexual abuse in her past. Her alcoholism, risk taking, promiscuity and need for male attention are NOT due to a high sex drive; she is clearly suffering from something.

Insist that the two of you go to a therapist together and you outline the behaviors and ask the therapist what s/he thinks. Your wife won't likely believe it at first (if she's created a fantasy that this is "just" normal behavior for someone with a high sex drive).

Even if you do eventually leave her, recognize that her behavior is off-the -charts abnormal and does not suggest some moral failing as much as deep emotional and mental pain. I have no doubt she was raped and/or sexually abused in her past. Her behavior is how women act when they were and then didn't ever get good help for it.

I'm sure it will be hard for you, but try to find the compassion to help her. If she refuses, you've done what you can. Go with a clean conscience. But at least try to get her to get help, for herself if not for the two of you.


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## akcroy

Dude, I'll keep it simple. Your wife needs help, and you need to get out of there. Both things are not going to happen simultaneously, so better if you get out first.

She's not clinically demented or anything, she's just being a selfish person to the extreme. She knows you love her enough to not break up with her, which is why she's crossing the line repeatedly. It's almost like a game (as ugly as that sounds) where she pushes as many buttons as she can before there's any real threat you're gonna leave her.

The Matrix reference is cute, but blue pill/red pill = leap of faith. From what you've told us, doesn't sound like she has enough morality to deal with a leap of this magnitude. Like Neo after the do-jo room training. 

I understand you care a lot about her, but even if you manage to patch up things now, how can you be sure this won't happen again in the future? How long can you keep up your emotional defenses, and always be on the guard to make sure she's not overstepping her boundaries? You can't spy on her forever!

She maybe your first love, but man, love is a journey! - is this the way you want it to be? If she really loved you, would she keep on doing things to you that you could never do to her? Do you want to risk living your life with that kind of person?

I'm sorry, but I'm almost angry with your wife here!


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