# Co parenting



## GAgirl912 (Dec 22, 2017)

So it’s been a year since our divorce was final and he’s remarried. We are in the midst of trying to co parent and he just had his vacation week with the kids. The kids came back Sunday and Monday morning my 10 year old daughter got a call on her phone line from a grown man friend of my ex’s new wife... apparently they had all been camping and he wanted to call my daughter and thank her for the fun. This man is married with 3 kids of his own. 

I blocked his number from my daughters phone and texted my ex letting him know I thought it was grossly inappropriate. He proceeded to accuse me of sheltering our kids and just being jealous that they had fun with him. I don’t even know where to go with this. I would never dream of asking for a child’s phone number.. if I have something to say to a child I will convey it to the adult in charge. 

He said I can contact his attorney with my concerns, so for the next 8 years this is my life lol

Anyway, I just needed to vent this morning. Thanks!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Fully agree. Wholly inappropriate and frankly very creepy.


----------



## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

my mommy senses are tingling.
Pedophile? Be very, very, very vigilant.
Is he grooming her? (a term for excessive friendliness)

I would DEFINITELY mention this to your attorney, and her family doctor.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

That is completely unacceptable. There is no reason for an adult "friend" to be contacting a young child. Something is very wrong there. If that were my son or daughter, I would probably kill the guy. I could be overreacting but my first thought is that guy is trying to groom your daughter. I would NEVER in a million years ever call a child to thank them for hanging out with me. That's creepy as ****. 

I would be taking my daughter out for a walk or something casual and talking to her about that week and any previous interactions with that man. Then making sure she understands things that you don't want to think about. Her body is her own. It's unacceptable for anyone to touch her. Proper terminology. What to do. It's okay to say no to an adult. https://childmind.org/article/10-ways-to-teach-your-child-the-skills-to-prevent-sexual-abuse/

Take it seriously. You won't regret that you did, but one day you may regret that you didn't. 
https://www.rainn.org/articles/if-you-suspect-child-being-harmed


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Ring this guy yourself and ask him does he think it’s appropriate for him to be ringing a child. And make it clear you will be mentioning his behavior to the relevant authorities. And make it clear you will be monitoring his interactions with your child. 
Paedophiles thrive in the dark, they hate being in the light.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Your ex needs a 2x4!


----------



## 20yr (Apr 19, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> Ring this guy yourself and ask him does he think it’s appropriate for him to be ringing a child. And make it clear you will be mentioning his behavior to the relevant authorities. And make it clear you will be monitoring his interactions with your child.
> Paedophiles thrive in the dark, they hate being in the light.


I would caution against this. You don't know this man and confronting him could be dangerous. Plus, if he tells your ex, it could be twisted to look like you are acting crazy.

Talk to your lawyer to get advice on how to handle it. 

But, you are not overreacting. That is seriously creepy and inappropriate.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Just would like some more context. Did your ex even know this guy had your daughters number? Was he calling to let one of his kids talk your daughter? We just experienced this after a trip to my in-law's where our daughter became close to the neighbors daughter. They face-timed, from her dad's phone ... but we were aware of the number exchange.

I can't understand any reasonable circumstance where this guy would solicit a 10 year old's phone number. 

My ex and I do not have the kind of dynamic you just described. Her husband, and his ex, however do. They straight up do not interact ... at all. And if they do, it's a fight. 

If I put myself in your shoes, I would want more information without directly turning it into a confrontation. If this is as bizarre as it appears ... and per my example above, it may not necessarily be ... then both you and your ex should be very concerned. The point is and the point ALWAYS should be that you and your ex work together to protect your children. That is your job. Whether you like each other or not.

My ex and I continue to use the analogy that we are business partners. And our business is the welfare of our children.

Best recommendation I can make to you, is prior to any engagement with ex, recognize and understand what the outcome is that you want. Because once you are actually interacting, in the case of a hostile or toxic relationship, the goal can easily become lost in favor of criticism, digs, and argument.

I used to have a boss that sums up what I'm talking about quite nicely. He used to say all of the time ... "I'd rather fight, than win." Don't be like my former boss.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Creepy as hell


----------



## GAgirl912 (Dec 22, 2017)

Deejo said:


> Just would like some more context. Did your ex even know this guy had your daughters number? Was he calling to let one of his kids talk your daughter? We just experienced this after a trip to my in-law's where our daughter became close to the neighbors daughter. They face-timed, from her dad's phone ... but we were aware of the number exchange.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




My ex gave her number to him. And his kids are younger than mine by several years... I don’t have a problem with kids calling my kids, that did not happen here. The grown man proceeded to tell me he just wanted to talk to my daughter about the fun time they had. No. If he wants to chit chat with a 10 year old its f-ing creepy in my opinion but he can wait til they’re are back with the ex for his parenting time... period. 

Thank you for your thoughts on this. My kids have friends call them all the time, this was not a case of a dad getting a number for his kids to chit chat. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Hey, @CAgirl912, I really appreciate the additional detail.

So I just tried to come up to speed on your story. So, your ex met and remarried someone in less than a year with the ink being dry on your divorce? 

And your husband who is in his mid-forties, gave your 10 year old daughters phone number to another adult male.

As others have suggested, I recommend you contact your attorney with the details and make a determination of what, if anything can be done. Child endangerment is pretty broad, and I don't think it's hard to argue that these circumstances qualify. To be clear, the implication would be against your ex, not whoever the 'family friend' is.

How often does your ex have the kids?


----------



## GAgirl912 (Dec 22, 2017)

Deejo said:


> Hey, @CAgirl912, I really appreciate the additional detail.
> 
> So I just tried to come up to speed on your story. So, your ex met and remarried someone in less than a year with the ink being dry on your divorce?
> 
> ...




My ex has kids every other weekend and 2 weeks vacation in the summer.. this happened after one of his weeks with the kids. 

I’m keeping good records and the fact that my ex got so defensive (accusing me of being jealous, needing a life, or a man, and sheltering my kids, not wanting them to have a good time) when I texted him about it leaves me extremely concerned about the whole arrangement. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That is strange. Very, very strange. And you definitely should be concerned. Document everything and let your attorney know. The problem is that judges are reluctant to tell the other parent how to parent unless endangerment is involved. Could that be the case here at some point? Absolutely but right now I doubt your attorney will advise taking him back to court for a serious slap-down (although he certainly needs it because, at best, he's clueless). Thankfully, your daughter's as old as she is and can communicate with you. Encourage her to tell you every detail when she's with your ex-husband because this may not be the only instance of very strange things happening. And be aware he may tell her not to tell you what goes on when she's with him. He is going to make co-parenting very difficult unfortunately.


----------



## GAgirl912 (Dec 22, 2017)

Openminded said:


> And be aware he may tell her not to tell you what goes on when she's with him. He is going to make co-parenting very difficult unfortunately.




Thanks!

He does tell the kids to not tell me things when they’re with him and yes, he is making co-parenting very difficult.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Please don't call that guy. By the time he tells your husband about you calling him and your husband blowing up at you, all hell will break loose. Your husband, in his already obvious cluelessness and denial, will feel embarrassed and apologetic to the guy. As a result, he will want to make sure the guy knows he trusts him and doesn't feel the same way you feel. That will lead to him giving the guy more access to your daughter because he will feel it's all innocent and the guy has been highly insulted by you.

But you do have to do something though. Since he suggested you relay messages through his attorney, see if his attorney will provide a word of admonishment. S/he just might understand where you're coming from. And so, relaying any message to him from you, the attorney might drop a lug in his ear, possibly something like "You know man, it really isn't cool that a grownup phoned your 10 year old daughter."

Or, see if you can get his mother or another family member on board.

It just can't come from you, so try anything and everyone you can recruit to impress it upon him. He automatically dismisses you but might listen to someone else. 

Information your ex needs to know:
A great majority of children who are molested fall prey to a family member or a family friend. In other words, it's nearly always someone the child knows and someone the parent(s) trusts, so that person has access to the child and opportunity to groom the child. That phone call was very likely a step in the grooming process. I'm thinking it was at least the second step, in that he had already begun during the fun camping trip.

So, ask someone he knows to email or text a link to him that provides information of how it all usually works and how the pedophile is usually someone the parent trusts.

Something like this:
Profile of The Child Molester

I can only try to imagine how you must be feeling right now, and I am enraged for you and your daughter's sakes. But listen, your husband's response is very typical. Mothers respond that way often times too, especially when the suspicion (or direct accusation) revolves around her boyfriend or husband. The fact is, people automatically retreat to protection mode. Unfortunately, protection mode is not for the child but for the suspected and the accused.

In looking for online articles to suggest you have someone send him enlightening information, I came across these statements from psychologist Carla van Dam, author of "The Socially Skilled Child Molester".....

_“The community always circles the wagon around the offender,” says the author of The Socially Skilled Child Molester: Differentiating the Guilty from the Falsely Accused. “It happens in every single case…where there’s a powerful person who has created powerful allies who then help defend the alleged perpetrator.”

When kids offer warning signs, adults may miss them.

*The big problem, van Dam says, is that despite everything we know intellectually, adults don’t really think the people we like and trust, could hurt our kids.*

*“The sex offenders who are the successful offenders, who are 95% of the cases or more, are people that we know and trust and invite into our homes,” she says. “And [we] give access to our children to them.”*

*These “groomers,” as she describes them, are people who have “deliberately ingratiated themselves with the adult community” and are accepted as “upstanding citizens.”*_

I don't know if your ex often socializes with this man, but he actually gave the man your 10 years old daughter's phone number. That is so disturbing I don't even know what to say. Seriously.



GAgirl912 said:


> If he wants to chit chat with a 10 year old its f-ing creepy in my opinion but he can wait til they’re are back with the ex for his parenting time... period.


I'm so glad you're keeping good records, but this honestly needs to be addressed ASAP. He needs to be told he is not to provide that man any access to his daughter. And only a judge can tell him that.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If you have the man's information (if you dont, get it asap) look him up online on your local sex offender websites and see if he comes up. Also you can check your state's circuit court website to see if there are any current or previous charges against him. Here in Missouri ours is Casenet. 

I cannot believe your ex is really this stupid....


----------

