# I recorded (audio) my DDay a while back, a lot has happened since my last visit here.



## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

Good morning, it's been a while since I've been here and a lot has happened in my life since then.

Sadly I went over the deep end one night, the OWH called me and revealed so many things to me that he had found out after I had called him just a couple weeks earlier. He did some digging.

I ended up so depressed that I downed a bunch of alcohol and then took a lot of pills. I attempted suicide. 

I am okay now because I took some actions to save myself, I went away to a 5 week treatment center for addictions. It was a private one and it literally saved my life. I went in on Nov 17 - Dec 19. I put everything in my life on hold when I was gone, my dealings with my lawyer, my full time job, found people to look after my pets, just everything including zero contact with my husband, gave the treatment center his name and said no calls accepted. 

When I got home after all of that, I began putting my life back together. It was just a few days after I got back and my husband came back from up north and begged me to let him come home because it was Christmas time. I did cave but I didn't trust him at all, he told many people in our lives lies about me when I was gone away, so I confronted him with a 2nd DDay and recorded our conversation to defend myself if I needed to and to have it for my lawyer as well.

The whole thing started one morning (3 days after being home from the treatment center) because I went onto our online banking site and went through all the transactions and found one withdrawal he made from an ATM machine up north for $400.00. Not a lot of money I know but it's not something he's ever done before, he doesn't need money (that much) up there because everything is paid for. So I questioned him about it. 
He lied to me, said he lent it to this girl at work, I snuck his cell phone and texted this women and asked her if she paid me back the 400. She texted back right away and said "you never lent me 400". Then I told him what I did and showed him the two texts, I hid my cell phone in the room while I confronted him and recorded everything using the voice memo app. Here is the recording.

https://soundcloud.com/kate50-1

Since that happened and he found out about the recording, he has kept his mouth shut to everyone. He knew his lying was now revealed, I had the proof. He went into action after this, went to counseling by himself, quit drinking and is quitting his job today actually. He's still denying the affair as a sexual one to me, but I don't believe him, 2 adults, 3-4 years? Nope!

My kids are begging me to give him a another chance, I'm just going about my own life not giving any answers to anyone. I'm attending AA meetings weekly and working back at my job and just looking after myself. I was told at the treatment center by one of my Councillors not to make any life altering decisions for a year, so I'm following his advice. People in my life will just have to wait on me.

So that's my update! I'm feeling good today and getting stronger, making a come back to my real self. I'm going to church every Sunday, signed up for bible study classes (went last night second time, Monday nights). Working on my mind, body and soul, doing some major healing from all the trauma I've been through since October.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Good for you. Sounds like you're getting your life back on track. That's exactly what you should be doing. Good luck! Stay strong..


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

So what was the $400 for? Did you ever find out?

I don't know your prior story, but this definitely sounds like a lying man here. Respectfully, I'd have liked to hear more of his voice and not yours. It seems like you often don't give him much time to answer and talk over him. 

Glad you're working on you, and hopefully he is really working on him.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> So what was the $400 for? Did you ever find out?
> 
> I don't know your prior story, but this definitely sounds like a lying man here. Respectfully, I'd have liked to hear more of his voice and not yours. It seems like you often don't give him much time to answer and talk over him.
> 
> Glad you're working on you, and hopefully he is really working on him.


I was really upset that morning and trying everything to keep calm when I was questioning him, I don't normally talk over him, I have some regrets about that now. I never got an answer on the 400, well that I believed anyways because he changed his story after the texts. 

BTW I'm a lot more together since then as well, I was only home 3 days from the treatment center, I felt overwhelmed and very emotional at that time when I recorded that. Ugh


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

SomethingsUp said:


> I was really upset that morning and trying everything to keep calm when I was questioning him, I don't normally talk over him, I have some regrets about that now. I never got an answer on the 400, well that I believed anyways because he changed his story after the texts.
> 
> BTW I'm a lot more together since then as well, I was only home 3 days from the treatment center, I felt overwhelmed and very emotional at that time when I recorded that. Ugh


I think you did amazingly well keeping it together. I don't know you, but you definitely didn't SEEM like you were on the verge of losing it! You're very well spoken.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I just went back and looked at your earlier thread. I remember your story now, and the anger issues. We have that in common.

I can tell things were intense back on Nov. Hope that your time away has made all this easier to handle. The very good news is that I can tell you're smart, intelligent, and tough. That will give you a good start. You're head knows what to do, try to follow it.

I think we discussed how the timing of a DDay like this is so darned exasperating. Just when you should be focused on slowing down and kicking up your heels some, this happens. Ugh.

I gotta admit I laughed when I read about the OW and Saskatoon. She went "Runnin Back to Saskatoon...." I'm not Canadian, but a Guess Who fan.

Keep up the good work.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I think you did amazingly well keeping it together. I don't know you, but you definitely didn't SEEM like you were on the verge of losing it! You're very well spoken.


Thank you SecondTime, what a horrible thing we all go through after discovering that the person we trusted and loved the most in our lives is not who we thought they were. I've been through all the grief stages and I'm finally on the accepting stage. This whole experience has completely changed me as a person, I'll never trust another human being like I did before, only God. I'm letting go and letting God take over my life these days. 

I'm very happy to be ALIVE NOW!!!! And I'm not trying to control anything anymore in my life. 

I say the Serenity Pray lots every day now:

*God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change...
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen. 

*​


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Two points. Your husband married well. You, however, did not marry well. But that was because your husband wasn't what he should have been.

Your children want you to give him another chance?

Well, that's nice for them, but not so nice for you.

Ask them if they would want to be stuck living with a person they could not trust for the rest of their lives?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

SomethingsUp said:


> Thank you SecondTime, what a horrible thing we all go through after discovering that the person we trusted and loved the most in our lives is not who we thought they were. I've been through all the grief stages and I'm finally on the accepting stage. This whole experience has completely changed me as a person, I'll never trust another human being like I did before, only God. I'm letting go and letting God take over my life these days.
> 
> I'm very happy to be ALIVE NOW!!!! And I'm not trying to control anything anymore in my life.
> 
> ...


You sound like a very strong woman. Very glad your suicide attempt was not successful. And, it sounds like you must have gone to a really great treatment center.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> You sound like a very strong woman. Very glad your suicide attempt was not successful. And, it sounds like you must have gone to a really great treatment center.


Thanks SecondTime, I'm so regretful about doing that to myself, can't believe I was that broken as a human being. God had more plans for me obviously and I'm thankful and excited to see what he has in store for me.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

SomethingsUp said:


> Thanks SecondTime, I'm so regretful about doing that to myself, can't believe I was that broken as a human being. God had more plans for me obviously and I'm thankful and excited to see what he has in store for me.


Forgive yourself.

But by the grace of God, there go I. I've never tried it, but have thought about it plenty and planned it all out. I won't do it, but sometimes it's hard not to let your mind go there.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

keep up the fight. You did an excellent job confronting him and he needed to get grilled the way you did on the recording. Keep making the steps to improve your health and yourself. The ball is in your court regarding what you want to do with your H. Just do what's best for you because you are the one that counts. JMO


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

SomethingsUp

I admire your strength and courage in a time that is so difficult. I too have thought of suicide and have been broken beyond what I could ever imagine. I have had some very dark hours as I'm sure you have and like you surviving. I wish you well in your recovery, and in your journey of life. It is true that God has plans for you, and if you stay here helping others I think you will find that you are an inspiration to them. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I think you can do so much better... 

He sounds remorseless and frankly guilty as hell. 

I'm glad you're feeling better. He wasn't worth it. 

I hope you realize that now.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Not that it's right, but had I been you, I would have been far more relentless and prosecutorial in my questioning of him, more especially when you were holding the evidentiary "smoking gun." He sounds just so evasive and totally lacking in any form of remorse!

I can't ever recall anyone having ever posted their D-Day recordings here on TAM, but it greatly accentuates your case. So sorry that you are going through this, but I think that you did the right thing!

I wish you well, my dear!*


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I listened to most of the recording. 

When you're having these types of conversations with your husband, try to remember that the less you say, the more you learn.

You're more interested in beating him and trapping him in his lies, rather than getting any sort of resolution. 

Not that I blame you but you need to determine your goals here.

He's a cheater and a liar. We get that. He's denying it to the bitter end. We get that too. 

So what are you going to do about it? Telling him he's a cheater and a liar and you're doing all the heavy lifting isn't going to accomplish anything. 

Your kids are begging you to give him another chance. This guy cheated, he continues to lie and deny, and he drove you to attempted suicide. Your children are selfish, which is understandable, that's how kids are. But you need to think about yourself here.

One last thing. He's quitting his job? How the heck is he going to support you and the children? When you divorce him, he's not going to have to pay child or spousal support. You really need to think this through.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

lenzi said:


> I listened to most of the recording.
> 
> When you're having these types of conversations with your husband, try to remember that the less you say, the more you learn.
> 
> ...


lenzi, he's quitting his job because he wants to reconcile and he's looking for another one. He also wants to go to marriage counseling with me. Our 3 children are grown and gone and I work full time. I'm not making any decisions at this time, just looking after my own life. I will go to the marriage counseling session this coming Friday and I'm going to make it clear that I want the whole truth about the affair. I'll post how that goes after. Right now I don't know what I want to do, he promises me he's changing, I'm just watching what he does though, not what he says.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

SomethingsUp said:


> lenzi, he's quitting his job because he wants to reconcile and he's looking for another one. He also wants to go to marriage counseling with me. Our 3 children are grown and gone and I work full time. I'm not making any decisions at this time, just looking after my own life. I will go to the marriage counseling session this coming Friday and I'm going to make it clear that I want the whole truth about the affair. I'll post how that goes after. Right now I don't know what I want to do, he promises me he's changing, I'm just watching what he does though, not what he says.


You are handling it perfectly, IMO.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> You are handling it perfectly, IMO.


Thank you, it's all up to him now, I've made changes in my life and with or without him I'll carry on in my journey, I told him this too. Not much else I can do right? Oh and by me going to this counseling session, I've told my kids that this is his last chance to get honest and apologize to me and if that doesn't happen, I told them they need to back off from saying anything else to me about things. I am the one that has to live with him, not them!!!!! They all have agreed. So, between today, him quitting his job up north where the OW lives and Friday's session, answers will all come to me as far as I'm concerned.

Should add that I feel and look great today, that is my silver lining I got out of all of this. I've been told I look 10 years younger by some people lol. I have been doing the extreme version of 180, it's really works, can't emphasize that enough!!!!!


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Forgive yourself.
> 
> But by the grace of God, there go I. I've never tried it, but have thought about it plenty and planned it all out. I won't do it, but sometimes it's hard not to let your mind go there.


I would have never tried it either in a sober, clear mind, but that wasn't the case that night for me. Thank God I took action to arrest my alcoholism problem finally by reaching out for help or I would have never have made it going through all this stuff.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Just heard the audio. He sounded like he'd had a drink or three.

He is an alcoholic and a liar.

But it's everyone else who is at fault.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Just heard the audio. He sounded like he'd had a drink or three.
> 
> He is an alcoholic and a liar.
> 
> But it's everyone else who is at fault.


Yes, he's an alcoholic too, no doubt in my mind, that's another thing I've told him he needs to address and so far he has, he's attending AA meetings.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Look, I really hope this is the beginning of a journy of marital bliss and you are able to find happiness together. I really do. If he has "seen the light", so to speak, and can be the man he should of been all along, AND you are able to forgive him...God bless you both.

Having said that, your emotional state is very fragile right now. You just got out of a treatment center for a suicide attempt. Please, please consider some time apart and allow yourself to heal properly...which can only come with time. If he truly loves you he will do what he needs to do to prove he is a changed man. I would hate to see you getting swept up in temporary changes which result in disappointment down the road. Your children need you, you know that.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I hope you do find some peace.

How would he feel if you had an A?

Have him get tested for stds. 400 could be used for certain acts.

I do hope your H will wake up and see what he is about to lose.

good luck and do something nice for yourself.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Wow. You have come such a long way.

I'm so sorry about the suicide attempt, but you have come out stronger.

You are completely right that he is lying about the PA. 3-4 years? All the calls, parties, conversations? None of it passes even the most generous smell test.

Stick to your guns, SomethingsUp. Your family will eventually figure out that he is the liar.

Best of luck!


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

alte Dame said:


> Wow. You have come such a long way.
> 
> I'm so sorry about the suicide attempt, but you have come out stronger.
> 
> ...


I wonder if he is even capable of not lying? That's what scares me the most about him.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

SomethingsUp said:


> I wonder if he is even capable of not lying? That's what scares me the most about him.


I think this is something that could threaten your recovery. If you get caught up in the back and forth of his constant lying - where he trickle truths you and you get upset with each discovery or admission - you could find yourself regressing rather than getting healthier.

Is it possible to believe that there isn't a mountain of stuff that you don't know? You say that you want the truth during MC, but he will most likely go into strong CYA mode and you will find yourself constantly confronting, which will deplete your strength and spirit.

Usually I advocate for pressing for the truth, but in your case I would argue for some personal peace for the year that you are taking for yourself. I think if I were you, I would keep working on building up myself and just let him stew in his toxic lies.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You do not need a lie detector to tell if he is lying. Just watch his lips. 

When they are still, he's thinking about a lie he could tell you. 

When they start to move, then he is telling you a lie.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

That was an astonishing audio. I want to smack this guy up side the head with a 2x4. 

He has so many issues and weaknesses, you have to resort to mothering him. 

As part of the R, please make him write down a detailed timeline of what he did, where, who was there. Make him lay it all out in detail. Give him a copy of the phone records, hotels... and make him write it all down. Warn him, truth matters at this point if he wants to stay. Absolute truth means zero omissions. Includes sex, what way, how... Any physical contact. Truth means he has a remote chance.

If things go south, you'll have the timeline as an admission and can probably use it against him (conveniently, info for family if necessary).


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

SomethingsUp said:


> lenzi, he's quitting his job because he wants to reconcile and he's looking for another one.


He should find another job first.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

harrybrown said:


> I hope you do find some peace.
> 
> How would he feel if you had an A?
> 
> ...


Sorry for being blonde, but what does this mean??: 400 could be used for certain acts.

I am clueless....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Sorry for being blonde, but what does this mean??: 400 could be used for certain acts.
> 
> I am clueless....


I think they meant he could spend $400 on an act of carnal congress of the "you did *whaaat*?"  variety.

Though I could be wrong.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> I think they meant he could spend $400 on an act of carnal congress of the "you did *whaaat*?"  variety.
> 
> Though I could be wrong.


Like a lady of the night or...

Clubs, dances all around.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

good for you, excellent for not taking back the loser, 2dd, one is more than enough.

remember that in this sort of cases OWH is your best friend, if you have doubts about certain dates, consult with him, he will probably have also some dates maked as possible escapades


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I remember your story. Wasn't there past evidence of him with a prostitute? Be careful.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP, I too found myself in the deep end as you. 2x in fact... now I shake my head and I think, "How dare you((hub))tell me you love me when you are capable of putting me in such a dangerous low place in this world." When I look back and see how his behavior almost cost me my life...it just turns my stomach. 

Its been a long time coming, he been a long time coming, and as Ive grown stronger and see the view with different color glasses on...I understand exactly where you are coming from... so much changes daily...

My son just said to me, "I really hope you and dad can work all out, bc I want to take my future children to grandmama & grandpa house, 
not grandmama's and then to grandpa's." which then I answered, grandpa will always be welcome to visit... 

~sammy


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

sammy3 said:


> OP, I too found myself in the deep end as you. 2x in fact... now I shake my head and I think, "How dare you((hub))tell me you love me when you are capable of putting me in such a dangerous low place in this world." When I look back and see how his behavior almost cost me my life...it just turns my stomach.
> 
> Its been a long time coming, he been a long time coming, and as Ive grown stronger and see the view with different color glasses on...I understand exactly where you are coming from... so much changes daily...
> 
> ...


It just seems to me that there is this maddening conceit to the mindset of the cheating spouse. It's like he is so high on himself that he thinks you will welcome his declaration of love. After all, he deigns to 'choose' you, right? My reaction to this is what my mother would have said, 'Who died and left you Cary Grant? You're not God's gift, no matter what your ego is telling you.'

I think this is what the APs can do to the cheaters. They build them up so that they think the BS's are fortunate to still be in the running.

I hope you keep building your strength, OP (and sammy3, too!). They are not indispensable. They aren't even usually desirable, especially when they are still lying to you, as your WH is, OP.


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## star2916 (May 21, 2013)

About the recording,

Two things:

He sounds either drunk, or very old.
You did not let him to respond . I would have asked a question and wait, to see what he would come up with.

Any way, I hope things are better with you both.


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