# Hi! Newbie here!



## mentallytired

Hello all! I am new here. Well kind of. I was on this site when I went through my divorce 5 years ago. We were married for 20 years and have 4 children together. 2 are grown, 2 are teenagers. Long story short, I caught him cheating with my friend and neighbor...again. So after a good attorney, real estate agent and lots of counseling I finally moved on. I have been remarried for almost 2 years now and It is falling apart. I no longer have the patience that I need. You see, my new husband is a alcoholic, suffers from anxiety and depression and was in recovery and had been sober for almost three years when we met. He is a wonderful person and I truly believe that he loves me and my girls but he has fell off of the wagon. I have since found out that he has had 3 DWI's a felony on his record and is currently not even able to get a drivers license. He will have to go to jail if he gets pulled over, for how long, who knows. I wandered why he wanted to go to a different county to get married. Anyway, that isn't even the kicker...Like I said he starting drinking again in July. He says that he feels so guilty in the mornings and begs God to help him but by the end of his work day he doesn't feel so guilty and stopping to get a beer sounds nice. So he drinks...then tells me that he is so lonely and that we have nothing in common. I admit, I don't really care to sit in the living room with him while he is drinking and watching sports but is that my fault? He calls me out for taking naps on the weekend and for not doing anything with him. We are in a pandemic and there is nothing to do!!! I suffer from depression as well and when I am in my bed it is my safe place. I work a full time job, as does he. He complains that I do not understand him. Ugh at this point I do not want much to do with him. I catch my self thinking that things were so much easier when I was alone and sometimes wish I was! I I do love him but I don't know if I am so scorned from my first marriage that I can not really love him the way that I should or if it is just the the circumstances... I think we are headed in the wrong direction and I do not know how to get back on track....Thank you for listening.


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## Justmeplusone

Counseling for you guys together?


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## DesertRat1978

He needs to figure out how to get back on the wagon. Anything you do besides that is going to be impacted. This is like trying to fix a car that you keep driving on rough roads. Sounds simplistic but the drinking will affect everything that you try. I drink more than I should but am never impaired more than a slight buzz and have no DWI's.


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## SpinyNorman

Your H has to address his alcoholism or it will wreck your marriage and him as well. As for your depression, it sounds like you are simply retreating from life and if so it is likely to have the same results.

Neither of these things mean you don't love each other, they just have to be dealt with. If H has some suggestions for things you can do together, that is good and you should give him some credit for trying. That doesn't mean you have to say yes, if they risk exposing you to the disease for example, you should decline but in a kind way.

If you are able to deal w/ your individual problems you will be in a better place to decide if your marriage will work or not.


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## TJW

DesertRat1978 said:


> the drinking will affect everything that you try


no addict can be successfully married..... that is because an addict's priority structure puts the drug-of-choice at the top of the list. Addicts are not inherently "bad" people.... they can indeed be very good people who continue wrong choices.....

Many people addicted to drugs (alcohol is a drug) find the help they need through 12-step programs which emphasize a continuum of accountability and mentorship of those who have successfully remained "clean"....

It's a situation in which "God with a skin" is required for accountability. I suggest that your husband become a friend of Bill W. Your husband "begs God", and that is good.....however, God has answered your husband's prayer..... your husband needs to accept God's provision and God's requirements....

I agree with the others. You don't have an impossibility. Adjustments to your interface to each other, once the alcohol is gone, will most likely allow your marriage to be satisfying for both of you.

Personally, I do not believe you are "damaged", loving someone like your husband is not going to be easy.....if he would get sober and stay sober, I think you'd find yourself not so eager to hide in your bed.


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## DesertRat1978

TJW said:


> no addict can be successfully married..... that is because an addict's priority structure puts the drug-of-choice at the top of the list. Addicts are not inherently "bad" people.... they can indeed be very good people who continue wrong choices.....
> 
> Many people addicted to drugs (alcohol is a drug) find the help they need through 12-step programs which emphasize a continuum of accountability and mentorship of those who have successfully remained "clean"....
> 
> It's a situation in which "God with a skin" is required for accountability. I suggest that your husband become a friend of Bill W. Your husband "begs God", and that is good.....however, God has answered your husband's prayer..... your husband needs to accept God's provision and God's requirements....
> 
> I agree with the others. You don't have an impossibility. Adjustments to your interface to each other, once the alcohol is gone, will most likely allow your marriage to be satisfying for both of you.
> 
> Personally, I do not believe you are "damaged", loving someone like your husband is not going to be easy.....if he would get sober and stay sober, I think you'd find yourself not so eager to hide in your bed.


You replied to the wrong person.


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## TJW

Sorry, I can see how my post is confusing.... I was replying to:



mentallytired said:


> my new husband is a alcoholic


By voicing agreement with:



DesertRat1978 said:


> the drinking will affect everything that you try


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## TBT

Maybe find an Al-Anon meeting online if you are confined to your home. It will help you feel less alone. There are also online AA meetings that can benefit your husband. Medicating depression with alcohol can cause a downward spiraling cycle without serious intervention. Denial is part of the cycle. I know because I've been there.


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## Fer Godsake

Fer God Sake your husband is an alcoholic! You fell in love with the non-alcoholic version. Tell him to become the non-alcoholic version. If he can great, things will get much better. If not, things will get much worse and you don't want to put you or your kids into that position.


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## mentallytired

Thank you all for your replies and suggestions. It has come to a place that I do not want to be. I asked him to leave 2 days ago. He had been on a 7 day bender, hardly any sleep or food, just beer. Tuesday night his was argumentative and became aggressive. I had to have him leave. He is currently staying in a hotel. I feel like I have abandoned my husband when he needed me most, but also I feel like I was enabling him by allowing it to happen. Oh Lord I hope I may the right decision. Sad part is that we have a beautiful blended family with a grand baby on the way. My heart is breaking...again


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