# Divorced, Re-Marrying ....Struggling



## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

I am posting this situation here for a dear friend who comes here ,but will not join or post..

I have given the best advice I know,But my D was so different im not sure my view is not skewed..

He and his Wife divorced a little over 4 years ago....Concerns of infidelity on her part ...but Never admitted to nor after much digging ever proved...this was Not the reason for D.

They met up a few months ago and want to get back together...
Apparently recently after some drinking she said she wanted no secrets between them...
While they were talking ...He asked some questions about her dating ...men..sex and the like..

She admitted she was Very sexually active...a variety of partners...experimented some over a period of 2 to 2.5 years

He NOW cannot get over this even though they were divorced...
He dated some but mainly stuck with one woman...

I cannot seem to get through to him..

Is he WAY off base with or would this be the normal reaction...

I can see how he would feel but they were divorced ..

Looking for ANY help from Veterans here..I have run out of place to take him 



***Notice this is re post from another site..**

He has confided in me since we first spoke..She had 8-10 lovers...several ONS and twice with 2 men...

This is not about me...he traveled over 200 miles to talk....
again my own D was a nightmare and what Was shown to me after d-day has clouded my judgement...

She has been open and said she "did not this to come from anyone else." I commend her honesty....

He cannot seem to get past this....


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Good gosh, why on Earth would he consider going back to her? I'm not saying that to be mean, either. He will never be able to get past it. He needs to let his ex stay an ex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

badkarma2013 said:


> I am posting this situation here for a dear friend who comes here ,but will not join or post..
> 
> I have given the best advice I know,But my D was so different im not sure my view is not skewed..
> 
> ...


Simple: He just has to decide if she's worth putting all that in the past and moving forward or end it.

It wouldn't be easy for me either, but if my ex was who I wanted to be with, I'd have to deal with his past while we were divorced.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

If he can't get past it and they are already divorced, why continue any further? Sounds like he will have more peace of mind staying divorced...unless I have misunderstood and they got remarried already.

This is one reason people date, to find out what they need to know about the other person to decide if their behavior, boundaries, and personalities match up with our perspective of what we think we need in a partner. Sounds like she failed...I'm not condemning her. Just saying her actions don't match what he thinks he needs.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This sounds like his issue to deal with, not yours.

I mean, you have said your piece to him. What more can you do?

People either can get over something or they can't. 

Personally, I think it's stupid to stay with someone if you are going to keep holding their past over their head. But maybe he likes that dynamic? His life/his relationship.

Did he ask you to post this thread on his behalf?


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> This sounds like his issue to deal with, not yours.
> 
> I mean, you have said your piece to him. What more can you do?
> 
> ...



I could not give the ( I feel) proper answers he was looking for,and asked him if i was ok to seek advice...here and other places... YES,he asked me too.


Again does this seem normal...or not...It would be very hard for ME to get past it...But after D-Day my life was pretty much scorched earth anyway.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

badkarma2013 said:


> I am posting this situation here for a dear friend who comes here ,but will not join or post..


If he won't join or post that's his choice.

Why are you doing it for him?


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

badkarma2013 said:


> I could not give the ( I feel) proper answers he was looking for,and asked him if i was ok to seek advice...here and other places... YES,he asked me too.
> 
> 
> Again does this seem normal...or not...It would be very hard for ME to get past it...But after D-Day my life was pretty much scorched earth anyway.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

badkarma2013 said:


> I am posting this situation here for a dear friend who comes here ,but will not join or post..
> 
> I have given the best advice I know,But my D was so different im not sure my view is not skewed..
> 
> ...



He should commend her honesty and move on. Some men are fine with it. Others aren't. People have different expectations from their SO's. He is not wrong to feel either of the two


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Sounds like he really never detached after the D.

I would suggest that he puts this woman behind him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

badkarma2013 said:


> Again does this seem normal...or not.


"Normal" isn't going to be the same for everyone. Some folks can reconnect after a break up/divorce despite their partner having been with other people and have a healthy relationship again. Some cannot. Sounds like he falls in the latter category.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

He thought she maybe cheating but he never got the truth. He suspected she might be sleeping around, so to discover even though they had split she was with other men, would have been tough indeed. 

I think he would have been hurt with say one or two, but all those ONS would have triggered him bad. He'd be asking himself what if this was what she was doing when we were together, when she split she just continued unrestricted.

It's interesting that the supposed cheating wasn't the reason for the divorce. What were the reasons?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

OP States : 

"She admitted she was Very sexually active...a variety of partners...experimented some over a period of 2 to 2.5 years ...

She had 8-10 lovers...several ONS and twice with 2 men... "

Why the hell would he want that back ? She went off the deep end sexually in only a couple years time. And remember that trickle truth usually applies when people are admitting numbers of sexual partners, so her behavior could be even more than this.

Do him a favor and tell him to walk away again and stay away.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Sounds like he really never detached after the D.
> 
> I would suggest that he puts this woman behind him.



He called me yesterday and i posed this question...If this was Anyone else you were going into a relationship with and the told you Exactly THE SAME STORY....Exactly....would it hit you as HARD..

He answered and maybe this is the Answer..."Of all the years we were married ....she NEVER did any of the S*!T she did after our Divorce with me EVER..

I think maybe he never DETACHED... Maybe that is it in a nutshell ...and he still views a certain way...


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

badkarma2013 said:


> He called me yesterday and i posed this question...If this was Anyone else you were going into a relationship with and the told you Exactly THE SAME STORY....Exactly....would it hit you as HARD..
> 
> He answered and maybe this is the Answer..."Of all the years we were married ....she NEVER did any of the S*!T she did after our Divorce with me EVER..
> 
> I think maybe he never DETACHED... Maybe that is it in a nutshell ...and he still views a certain way...


He definitely hasn't detached and I bet still believes that she cheated. Coupled with the fact that they may have not had the best sex life and now she has lots of partners and sex (or so it appears) this dredges back up the feeling that she cheated and he still believes it and feels that she is hiding the truth.

He needs to move on and this is not the woman for him. It is his insecurities is all.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*cough* Don't do it!


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Since its eating at him now, he best not get back with her. It will be tens times worse. He probably need to search for a less "sporting" girl. But hey, I re-acquired a truck I sold five year earlier. That worked out well. 
Nowadays a women who slept with ten guys is not a really big deal, especially for a 35-40+ year old girl.
If you marry the chick, you just want to be the last one she ever sleeps with after she starts seeing you.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Badkarma, 

Here's the issue. You ask if his reaction is "normal." Well, I myself am a very exclusive person and I would want any partner in my life to also be a "one-woman" kind of man. Now, if we were both divorced and single, the type of man I would look for would be the kind of guy who would date one woman at a time and invest in her until he realized she wasn't marriage material, and not the type of man who would engage in several lovers and ONSs. TO ME, that indicates morals and personal character that will pursue "the thrill" and entitlement attitude. That is not the type of person I would have any interest in. 

HOWEVER, if someone said they had several lovers and ONSs I would not be shocked or upset, it wouldn't floor me nor would I think of them necessarily as a "cheater" because they were not committed to anyone and they were free to do as those choose to do. It would affect me like if the mailman said he had several lovers and ONSs--"Okay dude, carry on. Ba-bye." What do I care? That's them, not me. 

So would your friend's reaction be "normal"? Not for me. I wouldn't sniff around someone who acted like that, nor would I be all shook up that they acted like that. That's who they are. Once I found out that's who they are, I just wouldn't be interested in any way. The fact that he is all shook up tends to indicate he is not detached from her and still trying to make her be the image of "wife" he had in his head. That woman does not exist.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

When it's over it's over. If it's an issue to him, would be for me as well, then that's the answer. Doesn't matter if it's normal or not...to him this is normal and the right answer


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

He should move on. Her new normal is to be promiscuous. His is not.

He had good reasons for divorcing her, they are still valid now.

There are plenty of fish in the sea, start nibbling elsewhere.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

badkarma2013 said:


> He has confided in me since we first spoke..*She had 8-10 lovers*...*several ONS and twice with 2* men...
> 
> 
> 
> He cannot seem to get past this....




OK based upon the information you have presented my advice would to tell him to 


*Run!*


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

xakulax said:


> OK based upon the information you have presented my advice would to tell him to
> 
> 
> *Run!*


Please answer me honestly....Is it the Number or beacuse she was divorced and went a little nuts...There are many BH here who R with WW after finding out SHE DID EVERYTHING with OM but not HIM.....

Pls help as this brings home much of my our issues and insecurties.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

why do either of them want to get back together?

my advice - move on!


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

badkarma2013 said:


> He NOW cannot get over this even though they were divorced...


I only glanced at the replies so this may have already been said. It doesn't matter what the number is. It doesn't matter how many people she slept with. It doesn't matter that they were divorced. 

As far as the specific number, we all have one. Some men are comfortable marrying porn stars. Some men only want a virgin. Whether something is "normal" or not is irrelevant. If one is too many for him, he is within his rights to feel this way. 

The issue is probably deeper though. He may have never stopped loving her. If you break up with a long term partner and you found out they slept with someone that night, it still hurts, even if you were technically broken up. Why? Because you haven't moved on, and you are disappointed that they have so quickly. He may just view sex differently. He sees it as something special, to be shared by people who love each other. She sees it as a recreational activity to be shared by whomever. It hurts when we realize something we hold as special means very little to someone we love. Plus there is the ego part of it. It hurts knows there are dudes out there that have had your lover in every way. Anyway, just some thoughts.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

badkarma2013 said:


> Please answer me honestly....Is it the Number or beacuse she was divorced and went a little nuts...There are many BH here who R with WW after finding out SHE DID EVERYTHING with OM but not HIM.....
> 
> Pls help as this brings home much of my our issues and insecurties.




Its the fact that in time apart he spent his time looking for a relationship of meaning wile his ex wife is looking for a good time and found some how can any one in there right mind want someone back who spent 4 years sleeping with 8-10 men THAT WE KNOW OF and several one night stands/threesome/gang bangs :scratchhead:


You are not insecure in your thinking on this your sane


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I thin it's kind of f-cked up that this guy is getting mad at her because she actually was with someone else AFTER they divorced.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> I thin it's kind of f-cked up that this guy is getting mad at her because she actually was with someone else AFTER they divorced.


I could be wrong but I don't think that's it I think its the share volume of partners she has had is what's bothering him think about it 4 years 8-10 men several one night stands/threesome hell the only thing missing is a donkey.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

His main problem is he is trying to find the woman he was married to and that ended with divorce. He isn’t the same man he was 4 years ago and she isn’t the same woman she was 4 years ago. How she has lived her post divorce life is her business. She was honest and apparently not ashamed of how she lived her life since she was willing to talk about it with him.

He is looking for what they had and not what is here now.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

honcho said:


> His main problem is he is trying to find the woman he was married to and that ended with divorce. He isn’t the same man he was 4 years ago and she isn’t the same woman she was 4 years ago. How she has lived her post divorce life is her business. She was honest and apparently not ashamed of how she lived her life since she was willing to talk about it with him.
> 
> He is looking for what they had and not what is here now.



:iagree:


Which is why he should move on


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

xakulax said:


> I could be wrong but I don't think that's it I think its the share volume of partners she has had is what's bothering him think about it 4 years 8-10 men several one night stands/threesome hell the only thing missing is a donkey.


LOL! damn.......................


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

honcho said:


> His main problem is he is trying to find the woman he was married to and that ended with divorce. He isn’t the same man he was 4 years ago and she isn’t the same woman she was 4 years ago. How she has lived her post divorce life is her business. She was honest and apparently not ashamed of how she lived her life since she was willing to talk about it with him.
> 
> He is looking for what they had and not what is here now.
> 
> ...


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Differentguy said:


> I only glanced at the replies so this may have already been said. It doesn't matter what the number is. It doesn't matter how many people she slept with. It doesn't matter that they were divorced.
> 
> As far as the specific number, we all have one. Some men are comfortable marrying porn stars. Some men only want a virgin. Whether something is "normal" or not is irrelevant. If one is too many for him, he is within his rights to feel this way.
> 
> The issue is probably deeper though. He may have never stopped loving her. If you break up with a long term partner and you found out they slept with someone that night, it still hurts, even if you were technically broken up. Why? Because you haven't moved on, and you are disappointed that they have so quickly. He may just view sex differently. He sees it as something special, to be shared by people who love each other. She sees it as a recreational activity to be shared by whomever. It hurts when we realize something we hold as special means very little to someone we love. Plus there is the ego part of it. It hurts knows there are dudes out there that have had your lover in every way. Anyway, just some thoughts.




This Really Resonated within MYSELF....Thank You


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I had a client in the early 90's who was divorced about 10 years when I started working with him. One day out of the blue he asked me if he could use my office phone to contact his former wife and I said sure.

The conversation (I could hear his ex's responce), went like this. 

Him: "Hey sweetie, I got your number from your Aunt, how are you?"
Her: "Who is this?"
Him: "It's me your husband, "Ricky"
Her: "why are you calling me, we have been divorced for over 10 years and I have not spoken to you since that time?"
Him: "I thought we could meet and since I am homeless I thought I could move back home".
Her: "What! Are you crazy or something?
Him: "No, I just thought......... She hung up the phone.

Ironically, this guy never moved on from 10 years ago, he was living as if it was just yesterday that he had spoken to her ex. I helped him get an apartment. He had a roommate that I had worked with for years. One day this guy just disappears, after a year of holding his stuff, I threw everything out in the trash. A few months later he shows up, wanting to move back into the apartment (like he never left) and asked for his stuff and got mad when I told him I threw everything out.

Whatever caused him to process his life in these terms of acting like everything happened yesterday was just plain sad. 

I know men who are D and never moved on, even after their ex's do move forward. Some even say that they are still married.

That sort of bondage is not healthy. Common, but very unhealthy (IMO)


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

He realizes again she is not the class of woman he wants to believe she is. That many men in 2-2.5 years! I bet she did cheat but was divorced to carry on her loose trampish tendancies. "SHE DID NOT WANT THIS TO COME FROM SOMEONE ELSE" this tells me she likely slept with some men they know, I would bet she has slept with his friends, definitely guys that know him. Most likely there may be times these guys see her in public and try to chat her up, even with him around. Can he live with the gossip about what Joe blow did with your wife or hear the stories. Not to mention the threat of STD /HIV. She may not test positive for HIV for 5 yrs or so. Cut this off and let it lie where it falls. RUN!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

10 years! wow talk about delusional


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I think the key issue for me if I was in his shoes would be WHEN this experimentation and the desire for it really started.

If it was exclusively after the D, and the desire to do it came only after the M had ended, then I would look at it as a non-issue...we were not M so she had every right as a single woman to experiment.

However, if the 'experimentation' started before the D, or her primary reason for wanting to end the M was so she COULD go do this, then I would not take her back.

My thought process if either were true would be this:

We had a loving, committed M and you blew it up so you could go f**k other guys and enjoy threesomes, and NOW that you realize its not as fulfilling as what we had, you want to come back and start again?

I don't think so.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> I think the key issue for me if I was in his shoes would be WHEN this experimentation and the desire for it really started.
> 
> If it was exclusively after the D, and the desire to do it came only after the M had ended, then I would look at it as a non-issue...we were not M so she had every right as a single woman to experiment.
> 
> ...



From what i can gather from Him....They both became  complacent .... did not communicate toward the end and grew apart...

I think her frustration grew as well as his....ive known quite a few cases where the wife just PULLS away...Not for another man,but because she dislikes where she is and her marriage.

I have also seen since my D....Women ( this is not an indictment of women) who just get D..Really lose it when it comes to other men...have numerous lovers etc experiment and do thins they would never do with ex....and when they were married wore flannel nightowns ..you get my point... 


This i think is his ISSUE..


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

I think the real question is why does she want to get back together ??? maybe she realizing no strings attached sex isn't as fulfilling as she thought or maybe what it really is the guys just aren't calling anymore...


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Could he get past the possible comments from the Other men to him or seeing them make new propositions to his woman from the guys she did! I bet the farm he knows some of them......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I am going to say this as clearly as I can - Yes, it is very normal. You get a divorce, you have enough love for one another to begin the process of reconciliation, and then you find out that your ex-wife has been conducting herself in this manner. Of course it would be an issue you would have to get over! I am not saying, as another poster stated, that he can never get over it, but it is something he will have to process.

What if she was a total stranger? They hit it off and begin to share on a deep level. The same information comes out. What would you think to yourself? I know that I would have questions. I would wonder if she would compare me to the other men. I would wonder about my own adequacy in her eyes. I would wonder about whether she has a disease. I would also wonder if this would be an ongoing struggle in her life (is she going to be faithful)? In conclusion, I would ask myself if this the kind of person I want to marry? I am not saying the automatic conclusion would be "no" but I am saying I would have to work through it.

The issue really isn't whether you think it's a non-factor because "they were divorced" because it clearly is a factor for him. One way or another he will have to decide how to move forward.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

badkarma,

If the M ended as you described, and she was neither cheating or wanting to leave so she could go have sex with others, then I agree with you it is his issue.

It would be no different than choosing to be with a new woman who had an active past sexual life.

But if his feelings are based on some suspicion or belief that the end of his M was, at least partially, due to her wanting to go do this or may have already been cheating, then it is far more understandable.

I know if I suspected my M failed in part because my W was determined to go experiment, I would not take her back.

Has he expressed anything to you that he has such suspicions?


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Divinely Favored said:


> Could he get past the possible comments from the Other men to him or seeing them make new propositions to his woman from the guys she did! I bet the farm he knows some of them......
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She said she would be an OPEN BOOK to him...but if you ask a question i am going to be bluntly honest with no embellishment ...just the truth to your question..so dont ask if you cannot handle the answer...

He just called me back as i emailed him to ask her if any of the men were friends or if he knew any of them personally ...(if this was something that would bother him ) because now he may not be thinking to clearly....

He asked her....she answered...yes 2 of them..

so i guess (im sorry to say ..for him) you were right.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> badkarma,
> 
> If the M ended as you described, and she was neither cheating or wanting to leave so she could go have sex with others, then I agree with you it is his issue.
> 
> ...




again from what i can gather...the grew apart....no communication...led parallel lives....same as many divorced couples.

she didnt date for about a year...Never expressed ..to him any desire to do what she did...


Maybe again this is the ISSUE...It just doesnt fit with his concept of his wife Before the D.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

badkarma2013 said:


> She said she would be an OPEN BOOK to him...but if you ask a question i am going to be bluntly honest with no embellishment ...just the truth to your question..*so don't ask if you cannot handle the answer...*


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Yes exactly, its his issue, not hers. Its very hard I think for couples once they divorce to ever get back together because all too often one holds onto memories and one has become a different person. Really the core issue is they got divorced, are they willing to understand and repair why they got divorced to begin with? Its rarely the “grew apart” line and only those two know the true answer to that question. If they cant get past that, it drove them apart once, it will happen again. 

I only know one couple that ever got remarried after divorcing and that second marriage blew apart for the exact reasons it did the first time. Either he is willing to invest time into learning the new her or he isn’t. 

Some can never detach, my mother is that way even though she wanted the divorce after 30+ years of marriage she has never let my father go in her head. She will never admit to anyone they even got divorced and she wanted it. How Thorburn described time gaps has similarities to her.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

badkarma2013 said:


> She said she would be an OPEN BOOK to him...but if you ask a question i am going to be bluntly honest with no embellishment ...just the truth to your question..so dont ask if you cannot handle the answer...
> 
> He just called me back as i emailed him to ask her if any of the men were friends or if he knew any of them personally ...(if this was something that would bother him ) because now he may not be thinking to clearly....
> 
> ...


I wonder if these were friends Or associations they had together. The way she acted with these friends maybe the reason for his suspicions of her before. I wonder if he was seeing were behaviors in her being attracted to these two guys.if he were still friends with these two guys, the friendship would have to end as I could not be friends with two guys I knew that had sex with my 
Wife. to make it work I would have to have a polygraph to see if she was cheating before and we would have to move to another town some distance away
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> I wonder if these were friends Or associations they had together. The way she acted with these friends maybe the reason for his suspicions of her before. I wonder if he was seeing were behaviors in her being attracted to these two guys.if he were still friends with these two guys, the friendship would have to end as I could not be friends with two guys I knew that had sex with my
> Wife. to make it work I would have to have a polygraph to see if she was cheating before and we would have to move to another town some distance away
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




No real friend dates the ex of a friend that's just breaking all types of man rules.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

If they get back together it might help if they don’t get remarried. That way he will be her #1 boyfriend that won out over the others. “Wow he must be a stud.” 

I know they were divorced but if they get remarried he will be more like the domesticated loser husband that she settled for after she sewed her wild oats.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

xakulax said:


> No real friend dates the ex of a friend that's just breaking all types of man rules.


From what i have witnessed on here and other forums....

Women and MEN...WH OR WW ..when it comes to sex and infidelity ...THERE ARE NO RULES.....AS I witnessed in the destruction of my own M..


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

badkarma2013 said:


> From what i have witnessed on here and other forums....
> 
> Women and MEN...WH OR WW ..when it comes to sex and infidelity ...THERE ARE NO RULES.....AS I witnessed in the destruction of my own M..


Sadly that's true. OP with everything you told us about your friends ex behavior thus far I cant shack this feeling there is more going on here then a need to reconnect call it a got feeling I doubt her motivation are totally pure.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

xakulax said:


> Sadly that's true. OP with everything you told us about your friends ex behavior thus far I cant shack this feeling there is more going on here then a need to reconnect call it a got feeling I doubt her motivation are totally pure.


I trust your judgement.....what do you REALLY THINK is going on??? You have been here a while and seen or read it all....

Could you hazard a guess as to what you think?

She has been nothing but honest even to the point of answering everything....


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Divinely Favored said:


> I wonder if these were friends Or associations they had together. The way she acted with these friends maybe the reason for his suspicions of her before. I wonder if he was seeing were behaviors in her being attracted to these two guys.if he were still friends with these two guys, the friendship would have to end as I could not be friends with two guys I knew that had sex with my
> Wife. to make it work I would have to have a polygraph to see if she was cheating before and we would have to move to another town some distance away
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Associations....neighbor a few houses down....and someone they played doubles at tennis with..

BOTH MARRIED WITH KIDS..


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

badkarma2013 said:


> what do you REALLY THINK is going on??? She has been nothing but honest even to the point of answering everything....



1.	She sincerely wants to settle down and remembers the stability she enjoyed with her husband.

2.	She likes the area, the social circle and doesn’t want to move. She honest because she knows he will hear rumors if they remarry.

3.	She needs another source of income to help maintain her lifestyle.

4.	Does your friend have a nice house in the area?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

badkarma2013 said:


> Associations....neighbor a few houses down....and someone they played doubles at tennis with..
> 
> BOTH MARRIED WITH KIDS..


Well up to this point, I was going to say give it some time and see if his feelings come around. If she was porking married men, tell her to go to hell. Its even worse as she #ucked friends husbands.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell him to ask her how many of her partners were married. Were talking major skank.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Graywolf2 said:


> 1.	She sincerely wants to settle down and remembers the stability she enjoyed with her husband.
> 
> 2.	She likes the area, the social circle and doesn’t want to move. She honest because she knows he will hear rumors if they remarry.
> 
> ...


yes..Very successful software eng.....However she(in her own right)...is almost as successful in Real Estate...Very Dynamic lady...he is just off the charts brilliant with software..so i dont see the money angle...how ever in continued talks ...he hinted she felt used and not loved...??? my guess


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

badkarma2013 said:


> I trust your judgement.....what do you REALLY THINK is going on??? You have been here a while and seen or read it all....
> 
> Could you hazard a guess as to what you think?
> 
> She has been nothing but honest even to the point of answering everything....




Well my gut feeling tells me her motivations could be one of two scenarios neither one is good


*Scenario 1* She is probably not getting same amount of play she once had from her male suitors for variety of reason and merely wants to establish a relationship due to a lack of interested from any other men for a long term relationship thus making the x husband plan B.


*Scenario 2* Is a bit more simple it could be just for financial reasons maybe she misses having two incomes to depend on and living the life of single party girl can be quite expensive




In any case I don't believe someone can go from a non monogamous lifestyle for over two years to a monogamous lifestyle without there being some major major relapses if she didn't cheat in the past marriage the odds are she could possibly in the next one.



What bugs me the most is this statement

She said she would be an OPEN BOOK to him...but if you ask a question i am going to be bluntly honest with no embellishment ..*.just the truth to your question..so don't ask if you cannot handle the answer*... 


That's wayward code for he was bigger, better, and so on I think the worst may be yet to come out.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

badkarma2013 said:


> yes..Very successful software eng.....However she(in her own right)...is almost as successful in Real Estate...Very Dynamic lady...he is just off the charts brilliant with software..so i dont see the money angle...how ever in continued talks ...he hinted she felt used and not loved...??? my guess



If she is in real estate then she is bound to the area. No wonder she wants to come clean. Being a respectable and successful software engineer makes him very socially acceptable. 

Best case is that she had fun on the wild side but misses her old life. It’s like girls that go wild in college and even try other women before settling down at 30 to have a family. 

I’m NOT recommending that they get back together but if they do NEVER get remarried. It sounds like he might be in California. It’s not a common law state but they do have palimony. 

I recommend that they consult a lawyer before they live together. By not being married he can just move out if she cheats. Keep separate bank accounts.

It would be much easier to get a new girl friend.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

badkarma2013 said:


> yes..Very successful software eng.....However she(in her own right)...is almost as successful in Real Estate...Very Dynamic lady...he is just off the charts brilliant with software..so i dont see the money angle...how ever in continued talks ...he hinted she felt used and not loved...??? my guess




Then maybe its Scenario 1


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

badkarma2013 said:


> Associations....neighbor a few houses down....and someone they played doubles at tennis with..
> 
> BOTH MARRIED WITH KIDS..


I bet she had her eye on them for a while, I would likely have a talk with their wives also and tell them of there husbands sexcapades with her. Warn their wives, he has guys who may want another round close at hand and a woman who is more willing to give it to them. "Felt used I bet she was enjoying every moment of it!" Then her reputation is trashed and she is in damage control. Her statement is trying to scare him not to ask any more about her ****ty behavior. He will be thought of by the men as weak and less of a man for getting involved with this type of a woman again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

xakulax said:


> Well my gut feeling tells me her motivations could be one of two scenarios neither one is good
> 
> 
> *Scenario 1* She is probably not getting same amount of play she once had from her male suitors for variety of reason and merely wants to establish a relationship due to a lack of interested from any other men for a long term relationship thus making the x husband plan B.
> ...


Im going with scenario 1 as well.....

GOD ,,,the last 2 paragraphs of your reply remind me so much of a WW and BH husband Trying to R and she is Warning him...."i will tell you details ...but be prepared to be Crushed again." 

The more i think about this.... IMO , with what i know today and the advice given ,with the info we all have...THis may just be TOO HEAVY a burden to bear...

IM REALLY inclined after much thought to agree with this statement.".That's wayward code for he was bigger, better, and so on I think the worst may be yet to come out ."

He will continue to ask questions and (by all accounts) she will continue to answer to a point i DO NOT think he will be able to handle it and Realize this WILL NOT WORK and move on..


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Associations....neighbor a few houses down....and someone they played doubles at tennis with..

BOTH MARRIED WITH KIDS.."

This is the all the info he needs to make a decision.

Even if she never had anything going on with these POSs before the D (and I seriously doubt that her interest in them played NO part in her decision to seek D), she obviously has NO PROBLEMS with infidelity.

That is a dealbreaker in my book, and I would seriously question when her openness to adultery truly started.

If your friend was admittedly detached from her as the M wound down, the probability is that he simply missed the signs and she already was cheating before the M ended.

Has he directly asked her that?


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

badkarma2013 said:


> ...
> I cannot seem to get through to him..
> 
> ...
> ...


No offense, but why are you trying to convince him otherwise? :scratchhead:

Maybe you'd be happy with those used-scraps, but that doesn't mean he should be. Whatever nostalgia he was feeling for his ex went out the window when her revelations knocked him back into reality.

I think you should stop trying to "get through to him"... even if he talked to you about it, and asked your opinion, AND asked you to inquire here about his situation, you should drop it. If you're his friend, tell him you got his back and support whatever decision he makes...then mind your own business. 

Nothing wrong with his decision to opt-out. Many of us would do the same.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

tulsy said:


> No offense, but why are you trying to convince him otherwise? :scratchhead:
> 
> I think you should stop trying to "get through to him"...


I don't get it either. 

Because people are going to do whatever they want anyway.
If a friend asks me for advice, I tell them my POV. If they continue down the same path, then that is their choice and their life and it really does not effect me.


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