# Told wife I no longer love her



## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

So I just told my wife that I am no longer in love with her. She is devastated. I feel bad for her as I can only try to imagine what she is going through.

I fear what effect this will have on our baby boy. Again, I can only imagine.

If I had been honest with my wife before we were married about my feelings this breakup would not have involved a marriage, but it would have still involved our son.

I feel as though I did the right thing, but I feel horrible for what I am putting her through. She is a great woman and she does not deserve this. But, I cannot carry on pretending that I love her.

At least this way she has the chance to meet a man that will love her truly. 

Any comments would be appreciated.

Edit: I need to remember the abusive parts of the relationship when I start feeling guilty over ending.


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## ellaenchanted (Sep 7, 2014)

I know it would be very hard being married and especially with a child, I really have no idea what it's like. 
But all I can say is that you did the right thing, she deserves to be in a marriage full of love, I disagree with people that stay in loveless marriages for their kids because kids DO realise. My parents were always loveless and still are and I really noticed it which kind of gave me a bad mindset on love. 
She will be very upset about it but she will eventually get over it and hopefully find somebody that last loves her and so will you. 
You did the right thing, Goodluck.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Ellaenchanted, thankyou. I feel I did the right thing. She is an amazing woman and I believe she will meet somebody else one day. I hope she does. I think our son will be better off in the long run too.


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## ellaenchanted (Sep 7, 2014)

lancaster said:


> Ellaenchanted, thankyou. I feel I did the right thing. She is an amazing woman and I believe she will meet somebody else one day. I hope she does. I think our son will be better off in the long run too.



Definitely.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So I read your OP on here and wonder why on earth a man would leave such a wonderful woman. Surely there are things that you can do to fall back in love with her... I know that there are things you can do.

Then I went back and read one of your older threads about your wife yelling, cursing and being abusive. 

Right now you are talking about how wonderful she is. Well I think you need to remind yourself why you don't love her. This will help you stop beating yourself up.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

EleGirl, excellent points. She certainly can be nasty. Time to edit my opening post so that stares me in the face each time I open this thread!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lancaster said:


> EleGirl, excellent points. She certainly can be nasty. Time to edit my opening post so that stares me in the face each time I open this thread!


When you edit that post... just add it to the bottom. Please leave your original words for others to read the contrast. It tells us what's going on in your head.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

So IF you were honest you really didn't want to marry her to begin with? Additionally, you never discussed the problems and ways to fix the marriage? You said I am finished and that was that? Do you have a drug problem or are you just a cruel person by nature?


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

VFW you're right. If this did not involve me, I would likely say something similar to somebody else.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

VFW said:


> So IF you were honest you really didn't want to marry her to begin with? Additionally, you never discussed the problems and ways to fix the marriage? You said I am finished and that was that? Do you have a drug problem or are you just a cruel person by nature?




Are you serious -- he either has a drug problem or is cruel by nature? How dare you?



Have you read his threads?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

lancaster said:


> VFW you're right. If this did not involve me, I would likely say something similar to somebody else.




I read this thread and had no idea why you would say VFW is right. I then read two of your threads and concluded VFW is making assumptions and choosing to insult and attack you.



You told your wife the truth. You are working on yourself. She chooses not to. Save yourself, and hold your head high.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Pieceofsky thanks for your support. But, I think VFW is referring to when I first came to tam looking for help where I was engaged and expressed my doubts about my then future marriage. Many on TAM suggested that I speak to my then fiancé and end the engagement then. I did not do so. I should have.

Granted my wife has been pretty mean and nasty during our marriage and during our dating period. However, her behavior does not justify my lack of communication. 

I do believe divorce is the right solution here.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I have not read your other threads, forgive me.

How did you go about saying this? Just rip the bandaid off? No one can tell you if you're right or wrong, you know if your gut.

My husband won't work on himself. He's not abusive in a sense that you can put your finger on it, but it's a mind eff (for years now) and I know I'm done, just don't know what to do.

If you felt a sense of relief once the words were out, you did the right thing for you. I wish you the best.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

That girl I did feel a sense of relief when I was honest with my wife. I know she is emotionally devastated right now. But I also believe she now has the chance to meet a man who will be all the things to her that I am unable to be.

I hope you will do what you need so that you will be happy in your life going fwd, whether that is staying with your husband or leaving.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

lancaster said:


> VFW you're right. If this did not involve me, I would likely say something similar to somebody else.


The problem is you have not told the entire story here and need to link other threads or summarize the events, so that all can learn. The first thing that you have learned is that you have to start by being honest with yourself. Secondly, if we feel wronged by our partner then we have to address the issue and give them a chance to rectify the problem. If you merely read your opening paragraph, it appears that you married your wife on false pretenses and just woke up one morning and decided to break her heart. For a person to do that they would either have to be on drugs or just plain cruel.

As for divorcing your wife, that is a decision only you can make. There is no way for anyone to understand the complexity of your relationship in a few paragraphs. We all have a right to be happy. As for your son, the only thing worse than being from a broken home, is being in a broken home. If you have explored all avenues to repair the relationship and do not feel that it can be repaired, then you can have no regrets. 

PS: My comments are for the OP as he is the one seeking opinions. Please do not hijack his thread to engage in a debate and turn the focus from him.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

OP, I read your other threads. I am sorry for your pain.

Yes, I agree with you that in hindsight maybe you shouldn't have married, but what's done is done. The sense of relief you are feeling is your psyche being appreciative that the fighting is at an end-hopefully.

My bigger concern is your child. When someone has a pattern of anger that includes yelling and bickering, they often focus those feelings on a single person. My ex chose me, at first. I took it. When the kids got a bit older and could challenge him as kids will do, he decided to "share the joy" and included them in his tirades. At one point I was able to get him into treatment, and it did help for a short time. He then quit and has decided he doesn't need it.

So what are you willing to do to make sure her anger doesn't shift from you to your child. Will you force counseling on her? The courts can do it but few people will agree on their own. Are you getting primary custody?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

VFW said:


> PS: My comments are for the OP as he is the one seeking opinions. Please do not hijack his thread to engage in a debate and turn the focus from him.


My response to you was not even close to a hijack. It was completely germane to the topic of this thread and the OP's situation. I hope you were not suggesting otherwise.


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

So... is she "an amazing woman", a "wonderful woman", or is she nasty and abusive?? which is it?


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Pluto2 I did not think about her anger shifting to our child. I will have to give that some serious consideration.




ToothFairy said:


> So... is she "an amazing woman", a "wonderful woman", or is she nasty and abusive?? which is it?


Both. When she is sweet she is awesome, when she is angry she is downright mean. I always think after the temper subsides that things wii be better. I am no angel either.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Well my wife and I talked and decided to give it one more go. We went to marriage counseling and we both got a lot out of it. She also is going to start IC and I am about to find another IC counselor. I go to AA and have done so for a long time. she is now beginning ALANON.

We both realize things may not work, but we are going to try again.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

lancaster said:


> Well my wife and I talked and decided to give it one more go. We went to marriage counseling and we both got a lot out of it. She also is going to start IC and I am about to find another IC counselor. I go to AA and she is starting ALANON.
> 
> We both realize things may not work, but we are going to try again.


Even though you don't love her?

For my very small part, I wish both of you and your marriage the best and sincerely hope you can make this work; that both of you address your individual issues and resolve them.

But if you truly don't love her anymore, it's hard to see how you could make it work.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Lancaster... my head is spinning. I just finished reading this thread along with much of your old threads, was all set to tell you I think you are making the right decision (along with many other posters here), and then THIS pops up... 



lancaster said:


> Well my wife and I talked and decided to give it one more go.
> 
> We both realize things may not work, but we are going to try again.


I have to agree with GT Dad... what's the point if you don't love her? It comes back down to the "staying for the kid" argument. I would go back and re-read ellaenchanted's posts. She was the product of a "staying for the kids" marriage, and it sounds like it didn't work out too well.

Of course, only YOU can make the decision for yourself; I just hope your wife didn't "talk you into" this.

I stayed for 20 years in a loveless, extremely unhealthy marriage with a passive-aggressive man who could be downright nasty, punitive, bitter and judgmental. I "stayed for the kids." Knowing that you DON'T LOVE her, and regret marrying her, I would hate to see you waste that same kind of time. Because if you truly don't love her (like you say) in the end, you'll likely end up splitting anyway.

Good luck


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## ellaenchanted (Sep 7, 2014)

Lancaster, are you giving it one more try because you're scared of hurting your wife and being honest with her? From my experience, once the love is gone it's not coming back. You know what's right for you but I still stand with my opinion on loveless marriages.
Goodluck


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