# Emotional affair?



## hap45 (Mar 14, 2021)

My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. We love each other very much and have 3 teenage children. We have had some rough patches over the last several years caused by the stressors of life, but have always managed to pull through. About a year and a half ago our marriage improved after a lack of intimacy which lasted a few years.

Several months ago I discovered my wife was deleting text messages from a male coworker at a fairly large company. I knew this guy existed, similar age, divorced, for a while but she had only recently spoken of him as their jobs began to coincide more. I was not snooping on her phone, just that she showed me a text from him and there were no previous text messages which seemed weird. When I confronted her about it and she began stammering, saying she deletes lots of other text messages which turned out to be BS, and giving other poor excuses before ultimately admitting to deleting his texts and phone calls, saying she didn’t think I would approve. I don’t care if she communicates or is friends with a coworker, I just thought it was suspicious and creepy to conceal it. I must admit, after that I checked phone records to see they would occasionally talk on the phone, sometimes 20-30 minute calls but not frequently enough to be a real problem, sometimes weeks apart.

Shortly after this, my wife began battling some health issues which made text messages seem completely inconsequential. We never spoke of it again, I put my feelings in a box and cared for her during her treatments and she is now doing very well. A couple of weeks ago my wife logged onto her work email from my laptop while we were away. Apparently her workplace used the Google Hangouts feature to quickly message one another for mostly short, work related messages. This guy's name was on the top of the list on the page, staring me in the face, I think because she had exchanged more messages with him than anyone else. I know it’s not cool but I read the exchanges. Lots of work stuff, but also extremely friendly, nothing sexual, a bit flirtatious and talking a lot about personal things that I would not have expected her to talk about. Mind you, this was on a work platform. There was a lot of “ look at your phone... I’ll text you later…” and these messages went back a few years, which caught me off guard because she had really never mentioned this guy before and now I realize they are very close friends. 

This is bugging the crap out of me. I never really thought of myself as the jealous type, but I guess I am. I really don’t think there was/is anything physical going on, but I am concerned about an emotional affair, especially the timing since our marriage was struggling during much of this period. I just can’t let this go and want to confront her about it without having it blow up into something irreparable. Am I being unreasonable? I can’t help but feel the deleting/concealing messages erodes the trust in a relationship.

I love my wife and I know she loves me. Should I just blow this off? Should I ask if she is still deleting his messages and ask to look at them to verify she is being truthful? I have told no one about this and need a different perspective to see the forest through the trees.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

First, make sure you have copies of everything you have found (and never tell her where you got your information).
Two, this IS an EA -- no matter what she says. She KNOWS you wouldn't approve -- so she deletes (so she KNOWS this is wrong). A married woman should not be telling another man a lot of personal things. THAT is for YOU, not him.

If there is a way you get her phone for a while, there are software apps that can recover deleted messages. If it's an iPhone there are ways to sync it to the cloud and then you can access from there (if you know her password ) -- I'm sure others will come along with details if you need them.

As for confronting her, up to you -- it's up to YOU how YOU feel and if it's past YOUR boundaries for what you expect of her behavior in the marriage. 
DO NOT just blow it off -- if she works with the guy, it wouldn't be much to move VERY QUICKLY into a physical affair.

I know she loves me -- says every cheated on guy on this board.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

#1. Your wife was deleting messages, and still has private messages between herself and another man that she hides from you. That’s wrong. Any emotional energy she’s investing with another man takes all that from you. No wonder your marriage was suffering.
#2. Passivity and concern about her “privacy” and your “jealousy”. Ha! 
she’s immediately going to be angry when she learns yoI’ve seen it all. The angrier she is, the more guilty she is. She will gaslight your and have you thinking YOU are crazy if you allow her to. She will call you controlling when you ask her to stop. Don’t ask. Tell her it stops or you will file for divorce. 
what? You love her too much? Well stick a fork in it, the marriage is done.
Yes, they might be close friends. Until they aren’t. All you need to know is she has been hiding this from you. That alone puts her in the wrong. It is definitely an emotional affair, because she can’t stop.

#3. If you sit in your hands and Do nothing, you can plan on an eventual divorce.
And if she doesn’t care about you enough to quit the job, go no contact, and be very remorseful and contrite, then she cares about him more than you. And I suspect she does, as you do.

You’re in the right. Don’t let your wife gaslight you, twist the truth, and put you in your place. Only a total show of strength ever solves this stuff.

And please, don’t try to win your wife back by being a better husband. That’s the pick me dance and it never works.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> First, make sure you have copies of everything you have found (and never tell her where you got your information).
> Two, this IS an EA -- no matter what she says. She KNOWS you wouldn't approve -- so she deletes (so she KNOWS this is wrong). A married woman should not be telling another man a lot of personal things. THAT is for YOU, not him.
> 
> If there is a way you get her phone for a while, there are software apps that can recover deleted messages. If it's an iPhone there are ways to sync it to the cloud and then you can access from there (if you know her password ) -- I'm sure others will come along with details if you need them.
> ...


great advice


----------



## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Wouldn’t the very definition of an EA be investing emotions in an inappropriate party and then hiding the evidence??? Doesn’t seem to be any question on that really.

I assume she knows you very very well. You don’t sound like a controlling or overbearing person, so under that context, what would she have had to say to another man for her to know you wouldn’t approve? And then do it again and again and again, knowing you wouldn’t like it? It was probably pretty damn bad.

And you’re the type of husband that nurtures his wife through major illness. You deserve more.

If you do want the answers, you’re going to have to say and do some very uncomfortable things. But really, she’s already deceived and lied to you in some measure and has admitted to it. It’s just finding out the depth of those lies and deceit now.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

If you are truly unsure if this is a problem, why did you take the time to type out your story, while taking a chance on a bunch of internet strangers?

The question is rhetorical. The reason you did all of this is because you KNOW this is a problem.

Now you have to decide if you have the intestinal fortitude to deal with it properly.

The above advice is a good start.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

When there is nothing to hide - people hide nothing.
Your wife hasn’t been honest with you.
You have reason to snoop and snoop often. 
looks like there’s another person in your marriage. 
don’t be understanding... that won’t help the marriage get back on track.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

hap45 said:


> My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. We love each other very much and have 3 teenage children. We have had some rough patches over the last several years caused by the stressors of life, but have always managed to pull through. About a year and a half ago our marriage improved after a lack of intimacy which lasted a few years.
> 
> Several months ago I discovered my wife was deleting text messages from a male coworker at a fairly large company. I knew this guy existed, similar age, divorced, for a while but she had only recently spoken of him as their jobs began to coincide more. I was not snooping on her phone, just that she showed me a text from him and there were no previous text messages which seemed weird. When I confronted her about it and she began stammering, saying she deletes lots of other text messages which turned out to be BS, and giving other poor excuses before ultimately admitting to deleting his texts and phone calls, saying she didn’t think I would approve. I don’t care if she communicates or is friends with a coworker, I just thought it was suspicious and creepy to conceal it. I must admit, after that I checked phone records to see they would occasionally talk on the phone, sometimes 20-30 minute calls but not frequently enough to be a real problem, sometimes weeks apart.
> 
> ...


Hell no.

Do not let this blow over. Sit her down and have a talk. Tell her exactly what it looks like to you. The fact that she deleted text is the biggest red flag of them all.

The only way to end this is to stop the communication between the two of them. She either stops communication with him or the two of you can file for divorce and she can talk to him all she wants.

You can’t play nice or pussyfoot around this. He is going after your wife. If you hold back and do nothing or worse try doing the pick me dance, your only going to look weak. He is looking strong and bold come forward with how he feels about her. You already look weak and like you don’t care by not showing any interest or worry.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

This is not an acceptable situation. First of all, *she knows you wouldn't like it*, because she's been deleting things and hiding things. So, faced with a choice between (a) not doing it, (b) telling you, or (c) hiding it, she chose (c). She's probably feeling a certain amount of shame/guilt, maybe not, but I'd say probably. She'll tell you "it's nothing", because that's also what she's telling herself. 

I know there are a few people on this board who think that all cheaters are basically sociopaths with no guilt or remorse, and maybe your wife _is_ one of those, but the odds are against it. In some ways she will feel very relieved to be "caught" and have some boundaries clearly laid down. 

So what do you want? You might ask for no further contact. But with a work colleague that's difficult. You might ask her to change jobs, move to a different company. That would be reasonable if it had moved beyond flirtation and started to get physical. That's how serious it would be. Or you might ask her to show you all her online interactions with him, to hide nothing. But the risk with that is, they just start meeting up in real life (after lockdown ends) and chatting in the coffee room (or whatever). You need to think seriously about what you want. 

It may be that this is a symptom (not the cause) of her basically being ready to leave the marriage. In which case cracking down on this EA (which is what it is) won't solve that. There are so many unanswered questions. If I were counselling such a couple, basically I'd want to ask the wife, _"do you see where this is leading you"_ and _"is that in fact what you want?"_


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sounds like an EA... I think you need to confront your wife again stating what you've seen.


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

hap45 said:


> but I am concerned about an emotional affair, especially the timing since our marriage was struggling during much of this period.


This wasn't going on because your marriage was struggling.

Your marriage was struggling BECAUSE this was going on.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

It isn’t jealousy or weakness opposing a inappropriate relationship.

Your wife hiding the true nature of their relationship is what makes it inappropriate.

Your wife deleting all of their messages and phone calls make this a inappropriate relationship.

Is she having an emotional or physical affair, who knows.

Have they ever been on business trips together?


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I would recommend reading No More Mr Nice Guy.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

ABHale said:


> I would recommend reading No More Mr Nice Guy.


It couldn't hurt!


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

And she is going to need consequences - ones that hurt - or she will just keep the affair going.
No consequences = same behavior.
What consequences are you willing to give her?
You can’t play nice and expect her to stop - after all, she is getting something out of this I appropriate relationship.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She has worked with this guy for what, a few years?

They became friends. 
All normal. 
People who work closely with each other end up as friends.
This is good for business activity and worker cooperation.

This has progressed from being friendly co-workers to being confidantes. 

And, as you surmised it likely led to, or contributed to your marriage woes. 
She found relief from her home issues by talking to this man.
Not good.

The coworker is divorced, why is that? 
That, in itself, might be a red flag.
He could be looking for sympathy, even for intimacy.
He is divorced, he is not getting his jollies off.

Did he divorce because he developed feelings for your wife?
Did he cheat with another woman? 

Did his wife cheat?
Or, was she hard to deal with so he leaned on your wife for emotional support? That is a common occurrence.
However, his problem then became your problem, with him interfering in your marriage.

Is he a problem husband, generally? 
A problematic husband can be a problem man (in so many ways) with other woman.
They bring their baggage to the forefront.

Your wife was likely subjected to his impassioned pleas of woe,
What starts out as innocent soon can soon progress to your wife nurturing another man, leading to emotional bonding from both parties.

You know this was an inappropriate friendship because she deleted her communications. Not all of them, just likely the more 'personal' ones.

Hopefully, she friend zones this dude, permanently. 

Keep snooping. I would lay low and see where it goes.

You have already broached the subject with her.

*A man should not need to be his wife's father, nor her prison warden.*

You say things at home have improved, that is a good sign, but not proof of anything.
She could be placating you, keeping you off guard, while she maintains him as a side love.

There is no proof of that (extreme) yet.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If it’s an EA with contact it’s usually a physical affair. Most go into denial and refuse to believe it.
Stay out of denial!
Cheaters lie a lot. *A lot.* You will want to believe her. Words mean nothing but actions do. Stick to the facts
Most will only admit what you can prove.
No one has the privacy to cheat in a marriage. Snoop, investigate away.
if you confront too early it can just drive it deeper underground. Mouth shut, eyes and ears open.
Work place affairs are the toughest because they have contact, company phone and email.
Voice activated recorder in the car and a gps may get good, fast results.
Proof will probably be in her phone. Read up on *Fonelab* - deleted text recovery.
Get moving. The quicker you figure this out the better.
You are currently in limbo. While she put you there *YOU* are the only one that can keep yourself there.
Get strong and stay there. You’ll come out better than letting her have control.

Be aware:
*Blame-shifting* is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

Keep posting for more info. You’ll get great advice but it will do you no good if you don’t apply it.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Never do the infamous “pick me “ dance or try nicing her back. Those things lower your status and will make the other guy look better.

Sorry you’re here.

Good luck.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Damn this hits close to home. I was in your shoes five years ago experiencing conditions very similar to what you describe. I,too, came to this site a lost soul seeking advice. Some of the comments you have received are almost a carbon copy of what I was provided. Using advice here I was able to gather info and bust my wife.

My wife carried on with a co-worker for 9 months. WP+EA=PA(workplace plus emotional affair =physical affair) my theory of relativity.

What you are doing is rug sweeping. Not good. You must confront this head on. Do not bury your head in the sand.

What you need to do is gather intel. Take that phone and computer and get all emails,and text. VAR a must!

Don't confront until you have solid proof. What you are currently in is “iceberg status”...10% you know. 90% you don’t.

If you need further advice PM me.


----------



## hap45 (Mar 14, 2021)

Wow, thanks for all of the replies. I feel better knowing it's not just me being completely paranoid. To answer a few of the questions: He's been divorced for a long time and from what others say he sounds like a decent guy. Their work does not involve any business travel. She has lots of friends, is very social and well liked. She has some guy friends that she sometimes exchange texts with, which I have no problem with, 

Also, I wasn't clear that most all of the Google Hangout stuff I read was from before I confronted her about this. The messages were almost more juvenile than anything, like a couple of high school kids, kind of cringe worthy, really. There is a part of me that would like to read the old text messages but I was unaware you could recover deleted texts (iPhone). 

I guess I'm the kind of guy that considers PA the third rail, it would be over.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

hap45 said:


> Wow, thanks for all of the replies. I feel better knowing it's not just me being completely paranoid. To answer a few of the questions: He's been divorced for a long time and from what others say he sounds like a decent guy. Their work does not involve any business travel. She has lots of friends, is very social and well liked. She has some guy friends that she sometimes exchange texts with, which I have no problem with,
> 
> Also, I wasn't clear that most all of the Google Hangout stuff I read was from before I confronted her about this. The messages were almost more juvenile than anything, like a couple of high school kids, kind of cringe worthy, really. There is a part of me that would like to read the old text messages but I was unaware you could recover deleted texts (iPhone).
> 
> I guess I'm the kind of guy that considers PA the third rail, it would be over.


Move forward obtaining information. You need it for your peace of mind


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Laurentium said:


> It couldn't hurt!


Also, Grow a Pair by Larry Winget


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> She has worked with this guy for what, a few years?
> 
> They became friends.
> All normal.
> ...


Wow, way to hold suspect someone just because they are divorced and single.

Yes, this guy probably should have stopped getting so friendly with a married woman (though SHE'S married and he's not, it's more her responsibility than his) but this was 
some really judgmental drivel with suspicion about someone _just because they happen to be divorced_. As an aside, you know--- being a divorced person can be a lot more emotionally healthy than someone who chooses to stay in a crap marriage. As for not "getting his jollies off", tons of married people have **** sex lives. We don't know, this guy could be dating and having more sex than married people.

I think this co worker relationship needs to cease, because OP's wife is married, and it seems inappropriate, but I thought this post was really weird with these statements about the co worker just because he's divorced.


----------



## cocolo2019 (Aug 21, 2019)

I don't know if someone agrees with me, but sorry OP, this could be a physical affair that cooled off. Do you know why? Because you had a long period of a lack of intimacy and you realized that your wife what chatting in a weird-friendly manner with this man for YEARS. Also, you have to add the stammering reaction she had when you first confronted her. 

Now, my recommendation is do not confront until you have a robust evidence. Put your poker face and your PI hat and try to recover those texts. There you will have your evidence and if something really went on. 

Other think you can do is (if your wife has a personal computer) putting a keylogger and deactivate the antivirus. This way you can get her email password, any chatting section or browsing history. I know; violation of privacy, but that is a privilege she lost.

Also, I recommend you to get a VAR an put it in her car. Then say to her some concern related to this friendship, but without blowing up your investigative operation; it is probable she will call OM (other man) or some friend to talk about it.

IMPORTANT OP: DO NOT CONFRONT UNTIL YOU HAVE A STRONG EVIDENCE. 

Note: some VAR makes sounds. Read the instructions to deactivate the sound or buy a cheap headphone, cut them and plug in the cable without the headphones, that way if there is a sound it won't be heard.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

hap45 said:


> Wow, thanks for all of the replies. I feel better knowing it's not just me being completely paranoid. To answer a few of the questions: He's been divorced for a long time and from what others say he sounds like a decent guy. Their work does not involve any business travel. She has lots of friends, is very social and well liked. She has some guy friends that she sometimes exchange texts with, which I have no problem with,
> 
> Also, I wasn't clear that most all of the Google Hangout stuff I read was from before I confronted her about this. The messages were almost more juvenile than anything, like a couple of high school kids, kind of cringe worthy, really. There is a part of me that would like to read the old text messages but I was unaware you could recover deleted texts (iPhone).
> 
> I guess I'm the kind of guy that considers PA the third rail, it would be over.


The juvenile, high school stuff is not a good thing. It is reckless and anything could happen.


----------



## Manner1067 (Feb 22, 2021)

My take on this is that after some marital difficulties, your wife established a "back-up guy" who she can monkey-branch to at a moment's notice

It is likely that during your times of intimacy (aka sex) problems with your wife, she was meeting up with this guy. His marriage may have fallen apart because of it.

You are a nicer guy than me, because I would have already sent a PM back to this guy threatening him

as to your wife, she has violated your trust on multiple levels, is secretive, lies, etc. --that isn't any way to live. You need to start preparing for the worst right now. Once a women has started monkey-branching, she will go through with it, and you could end up losing a lot of your wealth, custody of your kids, etc.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Wow, way to hold suspect someone just because they are divorced and single.
> 
> Yes, this guy probably should have stopped getting so friendly with a married woman (though SHE'S married and he's not, it's more her responsibility than his) but this was
> some really judgmental drivel with suspicion about someone _just because they happen to be divorced_. As an aside, you know--- being a divorced person can be a lot more emotionally healthy than someone who chooses to stay in a crap marriage. As for not "getting his jollies off", tons of married people have **** sex lives. We don't know, this guy could be dating and having more sex than married people.
> ...


You missed some important mentions.

I said work friends are normal.

And, that nothing at this point indicates that they are anything but real friends, at work and at home (yes, somewhat secretly).

On TAM we look for _Red Flags_, yes, sometimes where none are to found, maybe we manufacture them (not good!).
But, all OP's need to be aware of why _Red Flags _should be noted and catalogued or dismissed.

Please note: A person who is married or a person who is divorced can both be shady. Such are those character issues.

The fact that he is divorced means he operates under different constraints. He has not a Mrs' to deal with.

Divorced people are_ more likely_ to be searching for a mate.

This is all good and normal, as long as they avoid stealing someone else's partner.

Divorced people (still) operate under a gray cloud, a stigma, and it is certainly not always deserved.
I would say it is mostly not deserved.

People primarily get divorced because they are not compatible.

Being not compatible leads to all sorts of anxiety and strife.
Being not compatible rubs people badly and causes them to behave in cruel ways.

From OP's description, OM appears to be mildly flirty.
OP said his remarks are childish.

Maybe that is what both your wife and he enjoy.
Silly banter.

He should keep that talk at work, and not let it spill over to _her_ home life.
And, vice-versa.

My mentioning that this guy is divorced and that he would be more likely to be sex-starved was improper and presumptuous.
I give you that, with ease.

I know.....

I often inject lascivious humor and thoughts where none is called for.
I do this to keep my posts from being repetitive and banal.

Some of my other posts, ascribed here on TAM have a tendency to bleed over to any current ones I am posting (on).

In particular, those written in my _"Out of Darkness_" thread.
Almost all of those are for general consumption, no matter what I write there that hints otherwise.

There is an odd reasoning for this, I assure you.

I try to gain some sort of enjoyment out of this posting.

These posts of mine do open me up for criticism.
I deserve all that.

I deserve all the criticism I get.
I am a major hypocrite.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

hap45 said:


> Wow, thanks for all of the replies. I feel better knowing it's not just me being completely paranoid. To answer a few of the questions: He's been divorced for a long time and from what others say he sounds like a decent guy. Their work does not involve any business travel. She has lots of friends, is very social and well liked. She has some guy friends that she sometimes exchange texts with, which I have no problem with,
> 
> Also, I wasn't clear that most all of the Google Hangout stuff I read was from before I confronted her about this. The messages were almost more juvenile than anything, like a couple of high school kids, kind of cringe worthy, really. There is a part of me that would like to read the old text messages but I was unaware you could recover deleted texts (iPhone).
> 
> I guess I'm the kind of guy that considers PA the third rail, it would be over.


Much appreciate the 3rd rail reference...

Trust your gut. I would say she's definitely enjoying the banter with this man, and suspects you wouldn't approve of it. I would NOT tell her what you found yet. 

Instead, I would sit her down, refer to your earlier questioning of the texts, and say something like this, "Honey, I want to be clear. It is unacceptable to me for you to be having super personal conversations with other men, especially ones you feel you need to delete. Clearly you've been doing that already and it stops now or we are going to have a problem."

Then....monitor their interactions for awhile. Best result is she tells her coworker she has to cut the small talk because it would hurt you. Or she goes cold and he starts asking what's wrong, then she says you sat her down because you saw some messages, and she realizes it's wrong. Worst result is they find another way to communicate so you can't see. Then you really know your wife is investing in another man.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Gabriel said:


> Much appreciate the 3rd rail reference...
> 
> Trust your gut. I would say she's definitely enjoying the banter with this man, and suspects you wouldn't approve of it. I would NOT tell her what you found yet.
> 
> ...


This is good advice. You need to take a strong, unwavering stand on this immediately, while continuing to investigate quietly.

My only point of contention with the above is that it’s not “super personal conversations” that are not acceptable, I would tell her there will be NO personal communications with him - necessary business contact only. She’s already acting inappropriately and crossing boundaries, so she does not get to simply go back to “more appropriate communication” with him.

All unnecessary non-business community needs to be completely over and done with. She’ll probably push back on this and you need to stand strong and simply tell her that’s how it needs to be if she wants to remain your wife. If she continues to push or violates your boundary, then she is choosing to place the other man above you and your marriage. At that point you’ll need to start taking more permanent action.


----------



## think positive (Jun 24, 2011)

I have never been cheated on by a wife so I am less "paranoid" than what you might rightfully expect from the people in an infidelity forum..

That said I have female coworkers that I have deleted messages from. In my case we had communicated more than what would be c ok considered normal. In my case I had Zero romantic interest in these women. My wife is more "protective" than controlling. I am not making this about me only to say I am objectively concerned for you given what you have said as TOO many red flags are being raised. 

You may be correct that your wife does love you..but that is/can be a mute point if she leaves you. I agree with the comment below made previously:

DO NOT just blow it off -- if she works with the guy, it wouldn't be much to move VERY QUICKLY into a physical affair.

I know she loves me -- says every cheated on guy on this board.

I am a big believer to hope for the best but plan for the worst. You should have an understanding of what divorce laws in your state. Losing your wife is bad, loosing your wife AND most of your money makes is worse. See if you can discreetly take cash out and pay a local lawyer on the down low. You should also ask them about how spying can effect your case. I have heard stories where a cheating spouse leveraged their ex's spying leverage in the settlement. I have had seen seemingly nice people turning into total turds in divorce. So be careful before you install key logging software. In some states this sort of thing is a felony. 

That said I would question if the relationship has already become physical. If she works in the same building etx...

Are you part of her social circles at work? Does she have girlfriends..Girls night etc. 

As others have said abound the "win her back with niceness" crap thinking. Be strong!


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

cocolo2019 said:


> I don't know if someone agrees with me, but sorry OP, this could be a physical affair that cooled off. Do you know why? Because you had a long period of a lack of intimacy and you realized that your wife what chatting in a weird-friendly manner with this man for YEARS. Also, you have to add the stammering reaction she had when you first confronted her.
> 
> Now, my recommendation is do not confront until you have a robust evidence. Put your poker face and your PI hat and try to recover those texts. There you will have your evidence and if something really went on.
> 
> ...


I agree that this was most likely a PA that they downgraded to just an EA. When you’re sex life went south, that would have been when she would want to be faithful to her new man. 

Even if this was not a PA, she was giving her emotional energy to another man. Emotional energy is limited, so what she gives to another man, she’s not giving to you.

You should definitely have her phone hacked. It may be worth paying some tech 150 - 200 bucks to retrieve deleted text or pics. I also advise that you look for a possible burner phone.

Before confronting, you should have vars in her car and the place of the house that she tends to do her talking so you can capture any calls she makes to OM to get their stories straight or calls she makes to any friend that she may confide in .


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

hap45 said:


> My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. We love each other very much and have 3 teenage children. We have had some rough patches over the last several years caused by the stressors of life, but have always managed to pull through. About a year and a half ago our marriage improved after a lack of intimacy which lasted a few years.
> 
> Several months ago I discovered my wife was deleting text messages from a male coworker at a fairly large company. I knew this guy existed, similar age, divorced, for a while but she had only recently spoken of him as their jobs began to coincide more. I was not snooping on her phone, just that she showed me a text from him and there were no previous text messages which seemed weird. When I confronted her about it and she began stammering, saying she deletes lots of other text messages which turned out to be BS, and giving other poor excuses before ultimately admitting to deleting his texts and phone calls, saying she didn’t think I would approve. I don’t care if she communicates or is friends with a coworker, I just thought it was suspicious and creepy to conceal it. I must admit, after that I checked phone records to see they would occasionally talk on the phone, sometimes 20-30 minute calls but not frequently enough to be a real problem, sometimes weeks apart.
> 
> ...


I'd be checking her phone at random. Don't tell her when you'll be checking, like this you'll see if any more messages are deleted. 

Does she allow you access to her phone and computer?


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

jsmart said:


> I agree that this was most likely a PA that they downgraded to just an EA. When you’re sex life went south, that would have been when she would want to be faithful to her new man.


I actually thought this while reading the OP's story.


----------



## hap45 (Mar 14, 2021)

When I posted my original message I expected there to be some replies that I would not like to hear. Being that this is a site about infidelity, that is no surprise. However, I never expected 100% of the replies (20 separate individuals so far) to confirm my fears. I'm happy to hear I'm not crazy, but I have a sick feeling inside. This is gonna take a couple of days to process to figure out my next step.


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

hap45 said:


> When I posted my original message I expected there to be some replies that I would not like to hear. Being that this is a site about infidelity, that is no surprise. However, I never expected 100% of the replies (20 separate individuals so far) to confirm my fears. I'm happy to hear I'm not crazy, but I have a sick feeling inside. This is gonna take a couple of days to process to figure out my next step.


The bottom line is, go with your gut. Start snooping, and see if something is up. We see lots of stories like this. Doesn't mean that's the case for you, but it could be. Start sniffing around, and keep records of everything. Hopefully this is a big nothing, but be smart about it.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

hap45 said:


> When I posted my original message I expected there to be some replies that I would not like to hear. Being that this is a site about infidelity, that is no surprise. However, I never expected 100% of the replies (20 separate individuals so far) to confirm my fears. I'm happy to hear I'm not crazy, but I have a sick feeling inside. This is gonna take a couple of days to process to figure out my next step.


Well, my post was more about setting boundaries and then monitoring her. It's unclear to me whether she is outright cheating or just being too friendly. Can't tell yet.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I would simply ask her if you truly want to save our marriage so we can move forward would she be willing to take a polygraph. then watch her eye movements, and her posturing and see if she is uncomfortable or confident in her position


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If her exchanges made you cringe and uncomfortable - that’s for a reason.
Don’t question your gut - it never lies.

so make a plan... what if she is involved with this guy? What would you do? Start getting ahead of this issue instead of being behind in this situation.

what would consequences look like? How can she be accountable? How can she earn trust back? 
what are some things she MUST DO to consider staying in the marriage?

be specific with your list. If she has been inappropriate - consequences are necessary.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

hap45 said:


> When I posted my original message I expected there to be some replies that I would not like to hear. Being that this is a site about infidelity, that is no surprise. However, I never expected 100% of the replies (20 separate individuals so far) to confirm my fears. I'm happy to hear I'm not crazy, but I have a sick feeling inside. This is gonna take a couple of days to process to figure out my next step.


The quickest way to the truth you seek is to recover her deleted messages. Fonelab is top rated.
Youll need her passwords. You can also sinc it to iTunes or iCloud on a PC and pull it from there. I’m assuming she has an Apple phone? Right now I’d keep my mouth shut, eyes and ears open.

All cheaters lie a lot and she’ll deny anything without proof. If that’s what you need. However, this isn’t a court of law. You only need enough to satisfy yourself.

Don’t dawdle on this and keep yourself in limbo.

She may have put you in limbo but you are the only one that can keep yourself there.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

The standard “wow, so many people see what I see” isn’t enough in situations as these.

so really, what are you going to do? Get a plan ASAP! Start doing some things to help yourself.


----------

