# Wedding coming up, financial woes and unreasonable expectations.



## Towboater85 (Feb 12, 2015)

Hi, new member here and looking for an unbiased opinion...

My fiancé and I are getting married in a couple months and things haven't been going so well due to her financial past and unreasonable expectations. 

A little background, I grew up poor, worked hard, earned a full ride for college, currently making very good money with considerable savings and investments (the typical success story blah blah blah)..

On the other hand my fiancé grew up in a well off family, but due to her parents divorce that went away. She has racked up considerable debt, about $100k in school loans, new Mercedes, etc., and what I call modern society's desire for bigger, better, and more. I was aware of her desires for bigger, better, and more, but was not aware of the debt until recently. She always downplayed it. She makes about 55k a year, but it all goes to paying school, car, cell phone, and credit card debts. She has absolutely no savings and has started missing payments and sometimes doesn't have money to eat. I honestly have no idea where her money goes and she refuses to discuss it in depth. 

Anyways I have accepted that we a basically a one income household, my income. I have paid for our wedding and have accepted that I will be paying for everything for at least the next 10/15 years that "we" have; house, vacations, food, monthly bills. She currently has no bills because she still lives with her mother, whom beckons to her every call. I let her plan the wedding and it has ballooned uncontrollably. She has even gone as far to say unless we have certain things in the wedding or live in a certain town, on certain streets, in a certain type of house, there's no point in us getting married. 

I have decided that we are going to keep our finances separate because with her credit history I don't even know if we could get a home mortgage, and honestly I don't trust her with not only my money, but any money. She refuses to compromise on anything. I want her to be happy and have the nicer things in life as do I, but I refuse to be buried in debt like she has done to herself chasing the Joneses. I am far from being a knight in shining armor and will not be. Everything has turned into her way or the highway. I feel she resents me because I am refusing to pay off the debts she racked up before we met. Family and friends are recommending the highway, but they have a biased opinion of course. They feel she's just using me as a way to get what she wants, I'm starting to feel the same...

What do ya'll think?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What do I think? I think she'll spend you into the poorhouse within 5 years. And you don't appear to have the gumption to stand up to her. 

You're marrying her expecting her to change on something that's a deal breaker to you. It has failure written all over it, in large flashing neon letters. 

C


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Totally agree .

These are huge issues. Please take it from those of us older and wiser and partakers in trips around the block......this doesn't seem like it will go well .


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Family and friends are recommending the highway,


I agree with your family and friends. You two are not anywhere near the same page with spending. Once you marry, her debt will become your debt in that it must be paid and will take away from anything else you can do with your incomes. You can attempt to keep your finances separate, but you still won't get a mortgage because any debts she incurs going forward will be your responsibility too.

You will need to not only be responsible for earning income for the two of you, but will also need to be responsible for all the spending she does and debt she incurs that exceeds your income.

Bottom line, she is driving a Mercedes that a person on a $55k income with $100k in loans should not be wasting their money on. This will be your life FOREVER if you marry her - she will always be spending too much on stuff that is not needed and you will always have to take on that increasing debt.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Towboater: I'd say that it's about high time for "Come to Jesus Meeting" with her ~ and sooner much rather than later! *


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Towboater85 said:


> She has even gone as far to say unless we have certain things in the wedding or live in a certain town, on certain streets, in a certain type of house, there's no point in us getting married.


Seriously?
If she has really told you this then do not marry her.
Because she's almost right, there is no point in YOU marrying her.
Unless of course you want to be dead broke within a few years at whch point she'll divorce you for not meeting her expectations.



> I have decided that we are going to keep our finances separate ...


What was her reaction to this information?



> Family and friends are recommending the highway, ...
> 
> 
> What do ya'll think?


I think I'd listen to my family and friends.


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## Mr.D.E.B.T. (Jul 19, 2012)

Towboater85 said:


> I have paid for our wedding and have accepted that I will be paying for everything for at least the next 10/15 years that "we" have; house, vacations, food, monthly bills.


If you marry her you might not make it to ten or fifteen years, unless you are totally okay with her financial habits. Also, don't expect her to change in the next ten to fifteen years. It's hard to break twenty plus years of bad habits.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> I have decided that we are going to keep our finances separate because with her credit history I don't even know if we could get a home mortgage, and honestly I don't trust her with not only my money, but any money.


You're marrying a woman that you don't trust with your money?

You need to realize that once you marry her, you immediate own half her debt, she immediately owns all equity increases in your investment/savings accounts for the length of the marriage, she becomes eligible for spousal support in the event of uneven salary distribution and she owns half of the marital home. She can also rack up additional debt that you will be half responsible for.

If you get her pregnant, just add the entire cost of raising offspring to all of that.

She sounds like she has an entitlement mentality that leads her to believe that she deserves things she hasn't earned. That's a MAJOR moral values issue.

Do you know her credit rating? Have you seen all of her bank statements? What kind of serious discussion have you two had about budgets, spending habits and financial expectations? Have you been to see a financial planner to help you work through her debts and your combined future goals?

It sounds like she's looking for someone to bail her out of her mess and ensure that she has backup for her outrageous life expectations. Why on earth would someone with this kind of debt waste money on a lavish wedding? That's just insane.

Not that you'll probably listen but my advice is to find a real woman who isn't a money leech and isn't try to rip you off. There are a lot of hard working women out there that aren't sitting around with their hand out waiting for some guy to pay for their stupid spending habits.

I'll bet your friends and family are so worried for you right now. They're watching you stand on a train track with a giant locomotive barreling towards you.

I hope you have the presence of mind to do yourself a favor and jump off the track in time.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

If you are not prepared to move on, please, at the very minimum postpone the wedding indefinitely. Then get into IC to figure out why a partner's happiness is more important than your own.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Do not marry someone you don't completely trust. I know that sometimes people discover later that they can't trust their spouse, but please don't start out that way.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Jung_admirer said:


> If you are not prepared to move on, please, at the very minimum postpone the wedding indefinitely. Then get into IC to figure out why a partner's happiness is more important than your own.


I agree, and I would take it a few words farther:

figure out why a partner's happiness is more important than your_ own physical and mental well being and financial stability for the rest of your life._

Massive debt and bankruptcies create a lot of mental and emotional misery in addition to serious financial pain. And they cause stress, which is bad for your physical health and can cause heart attacks, strokes, and all kinds of anxiety issues. 

Oh, yeah, and money problems cause divorce, which then creates even bigger money problems.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your fiancé is an entitled princess. She is looking at you as an ATM machine. She will drive you down to her level in no time. She thinks highly of herself and no one else. Don't marry her. It will be purgatory for you on earth if you proceed to the wedding nuptials.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

This looks like a situation where she is counting on you to clean up her mess while she refuses to alter her lifestyle in any shape or form. 

When you get married, you probably will recognize the need for austerity (which is completely undesirable for a new marriage)...and new wife will not like that one bit...and doesn't at all seem like she is living in reality. You may THINK separating your finances will be the answer, but trust me, her debt is going to harm the financial trajectory of your marriage...and you can do nothing because separating the finances means no accountability.

If I were you, I would suck it up, call off the marriage until she can make tough decisions to change her behavior and make a major dent in paying off her debts. 

This isn't what I'd call a dowry, that's for sure.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Towboater85 said:


> What do ya'll think?


I think you are a fool if you marry her.

Here is a thread I want you to read. It will show you your future if you marry her.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/financ...9265-marital-debts-how-do-i-get-rid-them.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EnigmaGirl said:


> You're marrying a woman that you don't trust with your money?
> 
> You need to realize that once you marry her, you immediate own half her debt, she immediately owns all equity increases in your investment/savings accounts for the length of the marriage, she becomes eligible for spousal support in the event of uneven salary distribution and she owns half of the marital home. *She can also rack up additional debt that you will be half responsible for.*


I want to expand on this. If she does not pay her debt, he will have to pay all of it. Creditors would not except him just paying half and then saying that the other half is her responsibly.

In a divorce, if she earns a lot less than you, a judge could decide to put all of the debt on you because that is 'equitable'.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you know her credit rating? Have you seen her credit reports from the 3 major credit agencies? Have you seen all of her bank statements? What kind of serious discussion have you two had about budgets, spending habits and financial expectations? Have you been to see a financial planner to help you work through her debts and your combined future goals?

A lot of couples miss a very important step before getting married, that is making sure that you know your fiancé’s financial situation and planning our the finances for after you are married.

This means getting both of your credit reports, all the records for bank accounts, bills, etc. And then you both sit down and go over them. This should have been done before announcing an engagement, before putting a penny into a wedding. 



Towboater85 said:


> I have decided that we are going to keep our finances separate because with her credit history


Separating your finances will not protect you. It might even make you more vulnerable. 

All pre-marriage debt is hers alone. But any debt she makes after marriage belongs to you. If she does not pay it, you have to. She can get access to your income and savings by running up bills that you have to pay. 

Separating finances will make you more vulnerable because you will have no idea what she is doing. But you will still be responsible for it.




Towboater85 said:


> I don't trust her with not only my money, but any money. She refuses to compromise on anything.


Anything that bothers you before marriage will bother you 100 times more after marriage. 

Why would you marry someone that you do not trust? If she will lie about money and hide things related to money, she will do it about any and everything to get her way. This will be a HUGE issue along with all the debt and financial disaster she will bring into your life.

You have worked hard to get ahead. And now you are about to marry someone who is going to destroy everything you worked so hard for. Sure she cannot take your education and job away from you. But she will take away your money.
She also emotionally abusive. For her to tell you that if she cannot have everything she wants in a wedding, then there is no reason to get married is horrible. Comments like this that you mention are HUGE red flags. 

People who end up in bad marriages do so because they ignore the glaring red flags. You mention several: debt and gross financial irresponsibility, emotional abuse and insults to you, her expecting that you will take care of her financially and she will not contribute financially. Go through your post. It’s full of red flags. Any one of these red flags is enough to end the engagement and move on. You have a bucket load of red flags that you are ignoring.

I agree with the poster who asked: Why are you more concerned about her than you are concerned about your own wellbeing? You have to love and care for yourself first. If you don’t you will end up destroyed. 

Listen to your friends and family. They love you. Do you think that they would tell anything just to be hurtful?


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## Towboater85 (Feb 12, 2015)

Thanks for all the advice, I really appreciate it. I was out of touch for a few days, I work offshore...

We're definitely going to have one of those come to Jesus talks when I get back home in a few days. Along with talking to a lawyer about a prenup. I know it's horrible to go into a marriage preparing for the worst, but I aslo know that I have to protect myself from her past and possible future poor choices. 

I don't live in a community property state and all the reading I've done has led me to believe that I can't be held responsible for the debt she's racked up before getting married.

I'm seeing all the red flags, I gotta figure it out.


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## Soliel88 (Feb 15, 2015)

I was in your position 10 years ago. I wish this website had been around. It would have saved me 10 years of misery, stress, grief and a borderline failed marriage.

Do NOT marry this woman. She's a good time girl. She'll pester you to buy expensive coffees, go on mini vacations, buy the organic produce. It never ends. Ever. 

What will she teach your kids? How to have fun and ignore responsibilities? She'll make a terrible mother. Parenting is about raising a child into a functioning adult. It's not babysitting. 

You think you are separated financially, but you are not. Wait until she uses your social security number to get credit cards or buy a car. Will you press charges? What if she's pregnant and signs up for a $300 a month pre natal pilates and quits her job? Not sure of your state, but in my state, once you marry, you are liable. 

Financial irresponsibility bleeds into every part of a life. It's ugly. 

Find a cute responsible girl. Maybe the responsible girl isn't as much fun. But is it fun fielding lawsuits in the mail or opening your credit to find out she's borrowed your car and not paid tickets? (You are going to have collections all over your credit)

You are smart enough to be here, I hope you listen and read to the stories on this website. I wished I had.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Find a cute responsible girl. Maybe the responsible girl isn't as much fun.


Responsible girls are plenty of fun. And they have their own financial resources to fund their fun.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Keep in mind it's not just her debt you need to consider. It's also her lifestyle. Like you letting her explode the wedding. There's expensive cars, houses, vacations... And you've demonstrated an inability to say no. Based on your post, at least. Do you really think this is going to get better over time? 

C


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## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

A little food for thought...

If you do marry her and have a child, she will probably immediately stop working her 55k/year job. Then everything will be on your shoulders. Do you want that? 

She wants an elaborate wedding, certain houses in certain neighborhoods. She wants luxury cars and luxury things. Do you really expect her to keep working? She will want to stay home with her baby and be a kept woman.


Run.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

What I don't understand is why you are even considering marrying her.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

> She has even gone as far to say unless we have certain things in the wedding or live in a certain town, on certain streets, in a certain type of house, there's no point in us getting married.


Run man...just cut your losses and run. The quoted portion above shows a person who is in it for the wedding and a free ticket to ride "the get my debts paid train." 

If none of this debt was divulged before all of this wedding preparations began I see no reason you should stay and assume HER debt.

Sir...I make well into the $100k per year and drive a frigging KIA. She needs to get a reality check.

Do not go down with this sinking ship...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MrsDraper said:


> A little food for thought...
> 
> If you do marry her and have a child, she will probably immediately stop working her 55k/year job. Then everything will be on your shoulders. Do you want that? *Oh HELL...this is a given. Gravy Train...all aboard. *
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Towboater85 said:


> all the reading I've done has led me to believe that I can't be held responsible for the debt she's racked up before getting married.


Who cares who's 'responsible?' That debt STILL has to come out of your household income! Boy, you are very naive, no offense.

I knew a guy who married a former rich girl. By the time he divorced her 20 years later, he was working FOUR jobs to pay for her 'stuff,' because she, as your wife, 'needed' to be at a certain status level. This poor schmuck was a degreed accountant, was getting up at 3am to throw newspapers, working full time, working at a store all weekend, and delivering pizzas every night until 1am, just to keep her happy, buy her more stuff, AND pay off all the new debt she kept racking up IN the marriage, which of course he was half-responsible for.

Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy? You can download it on your computer. I suggest you hurry up and read it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Seriously...listen to the wisdom of the posters here.. to even entertain this will end well -will take winning the Lottery...then she'd probably blow that in a couple years! ...

RUN.. RUN ...RUN YOUNG MAN.. Save yourself & your youth, all you've worked so hard for - for someone who holds your dreams & visions worthy... who understands the value of a dollar ...

This comment of hers...



> *Towboater85 said*:
> She has even gone as far to say unless we have certain things in the wedding or live in a certain town, on certain streets, in a certain type of house, there's no point in us getting married.


Does this sound like Love, a way to start the beginning of your lives together*?*..... or a spoiled little DEMANDING Princess*?*... she is living in another realm.. 

You 2 could not be more incompatible with money.. what is the top 3 reasons for Divorce...

*1*. *Communication* - you've already hit a wall with her on a # of fronts with her given attitude...

*2*. *MONEY*...









*3*. *SEX*


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think someone who knows the value of an earned dollar probably shouldn't marry an employed woman who has an empty belly and a new Mercedes. If she overspent before you showed up, what makes you think she won't continue? At the wedding she will get a husband but she will keep her pre-existing values and character. Those things are what you are really marrying. All that sexy good looking stuff is subject to change. Her character probably won't.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Towboater85 said:


> Hi, new member here and looking for an unbiased opinion...
> 
> My fiancé and I are getting married in a couple months and things haven't been going so well due to her financial past and unreasonable expectations.
> 
> ...


Get out. Get out now.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

What the hells the matter with you? It's right in front of you and you still can't see it. She's a spoiled kid with the attitude of "my way or the highway" and for her whole life has been bailed out without facing any consequences for her actions from her family and now she expects or demands the same from you.

Look friend, in her eyes her money is her money and your money is her money and if you think for one minuet that she's going to agree to separate bank accounts then your dreaming. Your heading for a financial disaster and you still have time to avoid it. Take the loss of the cost of the marriage as a lesson learned and move on before you pay for this mistake for decades to come and believe me you will.

Marriage is supposed to be a two way street and right now she's Hollywood and Vine and your a dead end if you let it happen.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

OP

These posters - pretty much every one - are giving you SPOT ON advice.

There are many things that can wreck a marriage, but this can wreck it before it evens gets out of the starting blocks.

IMHO, if she's not willing to modify her lifestyle, live within her means AND come up with a completely viable plan to pay off her own existing debt, then you are jumping into a pit.

Just a guess and not a statistic, but I'd be willing to bet that more than half of all fights between couples are about money. You don't want to start off that way, do you?

DON'T let the fog of attraction keep you from seeing reality.

Good luck on making the right decision!!


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Towboater85 said:


> Thanks for all the advice, I really appreciate it. I was out of touch for a few days, I work offshore...
> 
> We're definitely going to have one of those come to Jesus talks when I get back home in a few days. Along with talking to a lawyer about a prenup. I know it's horrible to go into a marriage preparing for the worst, but I aslo know that I have to protect myself from her past and possible future poor choices.
> 
> ...


No offense, OP but those aren't just red flags - they're big giant BANNERS.

You will absolutely regret taking on someone's entitled lifestyle.

Believe me!!!!!


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Tell her she can live with you, and after she has paid off all her debts, and has saved enough for half the wedding you can tie the knot...I think a lot of her money is being wasted by her mother....


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

If you can't talk on important stuff before marriage.... No way you can after.

Run


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Towboater85 said:


> Hi, new member here and looking for an unbiased opinion...
> 
> My fiancé and I are getting married in a couple months and things haven't been going so well due to her financial past and unreasonable expectations.
> 
> ...


As a married woman, I am just giving you my honest opinion.

Financial issues can become VERY problematic in a marriage. In your case, you're not married yet, so iron this out first. You know what the likely outcome will be if you marry: her continued debt, due to her habits that are unlikely to change. You will most likely end up becoming responsible for those debts.

Knowing this information, make a choice whether you still want to go ahead with the marriage or not. Inflexibility, or "my way or the highway" lead to a lot of resentment. I've learned that marriage is not just about love - it's about TRUST more than anything!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

It would be a colossal mistake to marry this woman. She wants to get married to get out of debt and spend your money. I know what I'm taking about because I did the same thing. The woman I married was from a rich family and expected the best and finest of everything just as long as I paid for it. We were virtually bankrupt within the first few years. I should have divorced her a long time ago. If you marry this woman you will be poor and miserable until you divorce her.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

This post was from February. The poor guy is probably already married to this woman.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I think they have to resolve the financial issues before they marry. Or see the move, Get Out. He is trying to camouflage or protect against obvious problems instead of meeting them head one which may mean not marrying.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Towboater85 said:


> Hi, new member here and looking for an unbiased opinion...
> 
> My fiancé and I are getting married in a couple months and things haven't been going so well due to her financial past and unreasonable expectations.
> 
> ...


You can keep the accounting and control of your finances separate, but you can't really keep your finances separate. Any new debt she takes on will be your debt too. Your higher family income will allow her to take on a lot more debt. Run. Run fast. Even if she has the best of intentions (and her unwillingness to be open about finances with you clearly shows that she does not), she's going to sink you because she has a huge problem and isn't fixing it. RRRRRRUUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Dang it! Got suckered in by another Zombie thread. Wonder how it turned out.


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## reboot (Oct 9, 2012)

Yeah I'm guessing if he didn't follow-up here, he married her and is like me, broke and forced to run credit reports on my wife to figure out her credit cards and balances because she refuses to tell me.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Zombie thread or not, my advice for anybody in this situation;


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