# I feel emotionless, but worried that I'm overreacting.



## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

I hope this is the right place. Long post ahead.

I really don't know where to begin. My husband I will have been married only 3 years in November. I've been reading articles on what verbal/emotional abuse looks like. I've read about gaslighting. I've read other people's stories. And each time, there are bits and pieces that make me say to myself, "this sounds like what's happening to me..."

I started writing things down, doing my best to remember everything I could. I eventually put it into Word and it was 30 pages long. I couldn't believe I had that much to say! I didn't realize I was holding so much in. I didn't realize how long it had actually been going on (if it had even been going on at all).

We've started counseling and I brought up my concerns about his abusive tendencies. I made sure to say to her that I'm not immediately saying he is abusive, but that he's displaying certain behaviors. That'd be like googling your symptoms and diagnosing yourself from WebMD. I didn't want to diagnose my own situation.

I've started taking anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds. I'm stress-yawning as I type this. My anxiety symptoms are deep breaths, shaking, my heart feels like it's racing (when I check my pulse it isn't), clenching teeth. I believe that my anxiety is caused from not only this situation, but from realizing he is the underlying cause.

I've always been told I'm a tender-hearted, kind, selfless person. Always making sure others are taken care of before myself. My husband has told me that I am abusing him (twice), called me selfish, told me I'm hurting him, not showing him enough love, etc. Of course if my husband is bringing these things to my attention I'm going to worry and do my best to fix whatever it is I'm doing! I'm abusing him??? (Eventually he came out and said that he just said that in the heat of the moment. It still hurt...)

For the past year or more we have been arguing every weekend. I dread the weekends. "What are we going to argue about this weekend?" It's ridiculous. I always end up crying and apologizing for something. I can't help but ask myself if I really am this bad!

If you asked me for examples of things I've had to say sorry for, I wouldn't be able to tell you. I don't know why I can't remember. All I know for certain is that I get told I've done something wrong in some way, cry, and apologize. Of course if I've legitimately done something wrong I'm going to say sorry! I'm not trying to say I'm not at fault. I'm just baffled at how I'm always saying sorry at the end of arguments.

I finally admitted to him one day that I’ve felt afraid of him for over a year (oh my gosh I remember how hard it was for me to work myself up to say that - I almost didn’t). Not afraid that he’ll hit me, although he did pick up a candle and swing his arm back, but he never threw it and apologized right after (profusely). it still scared me though. And recently he threw his keys down hard onto the kitchen table. That scared me too. I worry every day about how I’m going to mess up and upset/disappoint him.

He told me recently that had I told him sooner that he was doing this to me, he would have tried to change before it got too bad, but that I waited too long and now look where we are. I feel like there is something in the back of my mind that is screaming "you did! You did try, he just didn't listen. He shrugged it off." But as soon as I go look for that information it's like...data is missing. A page missing from a book. And I have to ask myself, "maybe I never did bring it up..."

He can’t stand that I’m tired all the time. I love sleep. In high school I would go to bed at 8:30 if I finished my homework on time. I’ve always felt like I needed a lot of sleep. But then, it bothers him when I can stay up really late when I’m playing my favorite video game.

“Why can’t you ever stay up late for me?” he gets upset. I feel bad and say sorry. I don’t know why I can’t stay up late when we are doing something like watching a movie or just chatting (like we even chat anymore...). I simply can’t stay up late like I can with the game....sometimes I can. But whenever I can’t, I always feel horrible. He gets upset when I say I’m too tired to have sex. “You’re always tired! Don’t you love me?” etc.

I've resorted to asking him if it's okay for me to go to bed (at 9:30pm). He'll sigh and groan and just visibly seem frustrated. So I feel bad. I shouldn't have to ask if I can go to bed, right?

I try and tell him (if we talk about watching a movie and I’m already starting to feel tired) that he can’t get mad at me if halfway through I’m yawning every 5 seconds or nodding off, or just struggling to keep my eyes open (because he has before). Sometimes he still will though and he’ll go “UGH” really loudly and send me off to bed. And again he’ll be upset with me because I can stay up late for a video game. I don’t know why! And so I walk down these stairs, head hanging. I messed up. 

Is he like that all the time when I can’t stay up for a movie or only make it halfway? No, sometimes he’s really sweet about it. He’ll take my hand and walk downstairs with me, cooing “sweet nothings.” He’ll tuck me into bed and then cuddle. I liked those times...

One of the arguments we had recently was when he had just gotten home from an event. We had a fight the night before that we didn’t resolve. He had a “list” of things he wanted to go over, he told me. I was exhausted from being sick and was doing my best to discuss and not get frustrated.

But he said something and I lost control.

He said “You sound really cold and uninterested in what I have to say”

(me) “I’m sorry, I’m not trying to come across that way. I’m - “

(him) “Well you are and it’s hurting me!” he interrupted.

Now, where have I heard that before...

(me) “You know, I’ve said that to you before when you say something and you tell me to stop assuming you’re coming across as mean.”

(him) “Yeah, yeah I know. But you are as a FACT coming across as cold.”

(me) “So I’m wrong in both ways? Wrong for assuming your tone of voice and wrong for how I’m talking?”

(Him) “Don’t be selfish, this isn’t about you right now. It’s about how you’re hurting me.” he snapped.

I tell him we’ll continue, but that this was something we needed to clear up right now.

(him) “No”

I blew up. I yelled. I cussed (I hate cussing). I locked myself in the bedroom. He then unlocked it and opened the door and accidentally hurt my toe. I blew up again and yelled “I hate you!” I didn’t hate him, but I definitely didn’t like him at that moment.

The next day I was finally able to describe what I felt that night. Backed into a corner and told I’m wrong, wrong, and couldn’t defend myself. I was told I was being selfish.

He has told me he wants a divorce before.

He's always the one to say things like,

"Do we need to split up?"
"Maybe we just aren’t compatible"
"I think this might be it"
"Maybe we really do need to slit up," etc...

I’ve always told him, “No! That’s not what I want, I want to work through this!”

------

Why does he say things like “Hey, don’t walk away!” or “What? Where are you going?” if the conversation isn’t going anywhere or if we aren’t even talking? If I’m just standing there doing nothing? If I want to go elsewhere in the house do I need permission? If I don’t want to stand by you while you do your thing just because you want and enjoy my presence when I want to do other things, shouldn’t I be able to do that without feeling bad? It almost sounds controlling when he does that. I just want to be able to walk in my own home.

------

It bothers me when I want to shave my legs and he is home. He’s all over the place.

(him) “Looks like it’s time for you to shave.” So I go shave.

(him) “You took ages! I can’t believe it takes you this long to shave!”

I feel bad afterwards...but he has also said to me, “Don’t rush when you shave so that you don’t cut yourself.”

So sometimes I just wait as long as I can to shave and wait for a day he is busy and won’t be paying attention to the time or when he’s not home.

------

I had a very low depression day last month. It turned into him saying, "your depression is hurting me!" along with...

“You need to SHOW me that you love me!”
“I’m your husband, I should be able to bring you comfort when you’re depressed.”
“I get that you’re depressed, but you’re hurting me!”
“I should be able to make you happy, not the game!”
“If you can’t show me love then why are we together.”
“If you won’t show me love or any emotion tonight then you need to leave this house.”

------

He says a lot of if, then statements.
"If you don't show me you love me, I will leave" or
"If you don't say something right now..."
or a week ago, "If you don't miss me while I'm gone (on a business trip), then we might as well get divorce papers ready." (He doesn't remember saying this at all and tried to deny saying it.)

He hasn't necessarily "threatened" suicide before, but he has said things like,

"If I hadn't have met you, I don't think I would be alive right now."
"I don't think I would be able to live without you."
"If you leave, I can't promise that I won't kill myself."
"If we had a gun in the house, I don't know if I'd be able to stop myself."

He had tried to commit suicide in the past, way before I met him, so it worries me.

------

He desperately tried to stop us from going to counseling.

"If we're so bad that we need counseling, then we might as well just be over now."

"Why don't you just try reading a book first?"

"We can't afford counseling!" (I have full access to our bank accounts. Of course we can.)

He eventually decided he would do it.

------

I now don't want to kiss him. It doesn't feel good. At all. I scrunch my face and wait for it to stop. My anxiety raises when he tries to just place a hand on my shoulder. Sometimes it's okay when he does. I get stiff and rigid when he wants to hug/cuddle. The last time we had sex (I said yes to it) I cried afterward and was just glad when it was over.

There is a small voice in my head saying, "go just go!" When he was gone on his business trip, I really didn't miss him. He was gone for a week and each day it got a little easier not having him here. We texted back and forth a little though. It's scary realizing that's how I felt.

But the other part of me wants to repair it. I fell in love with him before, right?

I feel like my current state of anxiety and depression is going to make it hard to see improvement.
He has told me that for the last 2 months he was been trying to get better and fix everything about himself. Honestly? I'm not really seeing anything... He's shown a lot of concern for our relationship and seems willing to change, but I know it's going to be hard for me to get used to doing the things that scared me before. Like not having to ask to go to bed early. Or if it's okay to play video games.

I know I need to work on how I communicate too.

I just feel like I have my back to a door. Waiting for him to do something so bad that I say "that's it." I feel like I'm close. I'm scared. He's been crying, pleading, begging for this to get better.

I feel numb. I think I still love him. But I don't know if it's romantic love or the love you might feel for a friend or family member. It's hard to feel it over everything else.

I don't know what to do other than continue counseling.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

This sounds like complete insanity.

Forget counseling. File for divorce. 

Your husband is a psycho abuser. He is making you feel so crazy that you cannot see HE is the crazy one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

It definitely feels like I'm going a little crazy. He at least has said he wants to change, and I'm willing to give this a chance. I'm putting myself first this time, though.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

The shaving thing is super weird. But, why don't you just shave in the shower? 

He has a point about you being able to stay up late for the game, but not for him. But, with everything else? He's a controlling, abusive man. He hasn't hit you yet, but it will escalate. It always escalates. Throwing things across the room is STILL violence. (I learned that on Judge Mathis the other day). My ex broke many doors and punched many holes in walls over our 14 years of marriage. But it wasn't until a few months ago, a year into our failed reconciliation, that he actually put bruises on me for the first time. It always escalates.

Saying something and then denying he said it is maddening. My ex did it all the time. Yes, it is gaslighting, and NO, you are not crazy!!


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## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> The shaving thing is super weird. But, why don't you just shave in the shower?


That's usually where I do shave. It's just easier to do it all at once. Sometimes I'll spoil myself and have a bath though!

The video game has, I'm afraid, turned into a coping thing.

So glad it's not me going crazy!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

closetothedoor said:


> That's usually where I do shave. It's just easier to do it all at once. Sometimes I'll spoil myself and have a bath though!
> 
> The video game has, I'm afraid, turned into a coping thing.
> 
> So glad it's not me going crazy!


So what would happen if you said, "hm, yeah, I guess I do need to shave my legs. I'll try to remember to do it the next time I shower."


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## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> So what would happen if you said, "hm, yeah, I guess I do need to shave my legs. I'll try to remember to do it the next time I shower."


He'll tell me I took too long, or "how on earth did it take you that long?"

We aren't talking hour long showers. Maybe...30 minutes max with shaving? I've tried to go faster, but I usually slip and have a few cuts (which honestly, boo hoo battle wounds!) but then he'll tell me to go slower next time so that I don't cut myself.

It's so weird.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

30 minutes is kindof a long shower, but maybe you shave a lot more of your body than I do lol! 

With that said, early on in our marriage, my ex used to time my showers. He timed the showers of my friends visiting for the weekend. It was super controlling and annoying as hell (and embarrassing). This was all to save a couple bucks on the water bill. 

He also slowly turned me into a morning person by getting mad if I slept in. Maybe "getting mad" is overstating it, but he definitely made me feel bad/lazy about it, like I was wasting the day. Now I can't even sleep past 7AM and I'm usually awake by 5:30. (I'm fine with this now, but my point is just that men like this, who can't just accept you for you will slowly change you without you even realizing it until many, many years later. I'm 42 now and got married at age 23.).


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Close, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., event-triggered irrational anger, controlling behavior, verbal abuse, self harming (his suicide attempt and current suicidal thoughts), lack of empathy, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline PD). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD.

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. After living with him for three years, they should be easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you).



> I didn't want to diagnose my own situation.


 Significantly, learning to spot BPD warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your H's issues. As you correctly observed, only a professional can do that. There is a world of difference, however, between spotting warning signs and making a diagnosis. The main reason for learning these red flags, then -- like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack -- is not to diagnose your problem but, rather, to help you decide whether the problem is sufficiently serious to warrant spending money to seek a professional opinion. This is why hundreds of mental health centers are educating the lay public about these warning signs on their Internet websites.



> He has said things like... "If we had a gun in the house, I don't know if I'd be able to stop myself." He had tried to commit suicide in the past.


Self harming, such as suicide attempts and suicidal thoughts, is strongly associated with BPD. So much so that it is one of the nine behavioral traits used by psychologists to diagnose BPD.



> It definitely feels like I'm going a little crazy.


Of the 157 mental disorders listed in the AMA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5), BPD is the one MOST NOTORIOUS for making the abused partners feel like they may be going crazy. This is one reason therapists see far more of these abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are losing their minds -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves. To a lesser extent, narcissists can have this same "crazymaking effect" on their partners. With narcissists, this effect is "lesser" because the narcissists fully know that they are lying. In contrast, BPDers tend to be far more convincing -- and, hence, far more "crazymaking" -- because they usually are absolutely convinced that the outrageous allegations coming out of their mouths are true.



> I worry every day about how I’m going to mess up and upset/disappoint him.


This is called "walking on eggshells," a feeling that is common among spouses living with a BPDer. This is why the best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused spouses) is called _Stop Walking on Eggshells_.



> He told me recently that had I told him sooner that he was doing this to me, he would have tried to change before it got too bad, but that I waited too long and now look where we are.


 If your H has strong BPD traits, he has such a fragile weak ego that he has no strong stable sense of who he is. To the extent he has any persistent self image at all, it is the false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." Lacking any other stable self image, he will maintain a death grip on this false self image and thus will seek frequent validation from you that it is true. In this way, you will be blamed for every misfortune to befall him, no matter how small. The only way he continually can be "The Victim" is for you to be "The Perpetrator."

Well, there actually is one other way. An alternative role for you to play -- which you would have done throughout the courtship period -- is being "The Rescuer." With you trying so hard to rescue him from his unhappiness, the obvious implication is that he MUST be "The Victim" or you wouldn't be trying so hard to save him. Hence, if your H is a BPDer, the likely outcome is that you are perceived as "The Rescuer" before the marriage and occasionally thereafter (during moments that he happens to be splitting you white). Most of the time, however, you will be perceived to be "The Perpetrator." 



> Why does he say things like “Hey, don’t walk away!” or “What? Where are you going?”


If he has strong BPD traits, those questions are easy to answer. First, because a BPDer has such a fragile sense of self, he will absolutely HATE to be alone very long. He doesn't even have a stable "self" to keep himself company. Second, when a BPDer is arguing with you, he wants the matter fully resolved RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT. Not an hour later or tomorrow. Rather, RIGHT NOW. The reason is that, like a young child, a BPDer lacks the emotional skills needed to calm himself down by doing self soothing. Moreover, BPDers lack control over their own impulses. Hence, for any argument occurring in the evening, this means he will be up sleepless for hours while you are snoozing away. BPDers therefore loath the idea of delaying a discussion until you both have time to cool down. They are too impulsive to be willing to wait and they don't know how to cool down.



> My husband has told me that I am abusing him (twice), called me selfish, told me I'm hurting him, not showing him enough love, etc.


If your H has strong traits of narcissism or sociopathy, he would know his claims are false and would only be making such allegations to manipulate you. Such deliberate deception in a marriage is called "gaslighting." It is named after the classic 1944 movie _Gaslight_, in which a young husband (Charles Boyer) tries to drive his new bride (Ingrid Bergman) crazy so he can have her institutionalized -- allowing him to run off with her family's jewels.

What you are describing, however, is a man who seems to genuinely believe the outrageous things coming out of his mouth. And then a few days later, when he is claiming the exact opposite, he likely sincerely believes that claim too. This behavior is called "projection," not "gaslighting." It is one of the hallmarks of BPDers (i.e., those having strong BPD traits). Because the projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, a BPDer cannot consciously see that it all is originating from within himself. Instead, he truly believes that YOU are the source of all the problems and pain.



> He desperately tried to stop us from going to counseling.


If your H actually has strong traits of BPD, seeing a MC for counseling likely will be a total waste of time because the MC's main focus is teaching communication skills. Until a BPDer has spent several years learning how to manage his underlying issues -- learning better communication skills will not improve things. On the contrary, it likely will just make things worse. One reason is that he probably would use those new skills to control you more effectively. Another reason is that an untreated BPDer typically views marriage counseling as a stage on which to embarrass and devalue his spouse in front of an approving audience (the MC). And, because BPDers usually are convinced that their distortions are The Truth, they tend to be very convincing to MCs -- or to the police if he decides to have you arrested (as my BPDer exW did to me).



> I don't know what to do other than continue counseling.


If you decide you are seeing strong warning signs for BPD, it is important that you seek a professional opinion from YOUR OWN psychologist, not a MC. That is, see a psych who has never treated or seen your H. That way, the psych is ethically bound to protect only YOUR best interests, not his. I mention this because, when a client is diagnosed as having BPD, therapists generally are loath to tell the client or his insurance company -- much less tell his spouse -- the name of the diagnosis. 

That information is routinely withheld to protect that client, as I explain in my post at Loath to Diagnose. This means his therapist is NOT YOUR FRIEND. Relying on his psychologist for candid advice during the marriage would be as foolish as relying on his attorney for candid advice during the divorce. I therefore suggest that, if you are not yet willing to leave him, you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. 

I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Maybe's Thread. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Close.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How often do you play video games and stay up late?

Your husband is abusive. Abusers work to make you feel crazy by twisting things. .if you did x you should have done y. So next time you do y, and now you should have done x. His constant need for you to jump through hoops to prove your love for him is another abusive thing he does.

While he has not hit you, he's escalating to vilence. That bit about threatening hitting you with an object, that's the start of the physical abuse. Over time he will start hitting you, when he feels that the threats of violence are not keeping you in control.


Do you know the best way to judge the health of your situation? By your mental health. You are depressed, have anxiety and are on meds for it all. You cannot even remember things that have happened. HELLO!!!! Your husband and your marriage are making you crazy. It's time to bail.

He's not going to get better. Not unless he admits his abusive behavior and he goes himself to get the help that is needed. It can take a long time for him to change even if he puts his all into it.

You need to leave this man and get your mental health back. Take care of yourself.


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## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> How often do you play video games and stay up late?


Several times a week I play, and he will play the game with me. We are both pretty big nerds.

As far as how often I stay up late and play? Maybe once a month, on a Friday night. I really do love sleep and will pick sleep over video games.


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## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

Uptown said:


> Take care, Close.



Uptown, thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post. It really means a lot to me. I will absolutely read everything you've provided and do my best! It's getting late here (no it's not, it's 8:33pm and I'm totally going to bed after this) but I will report back when I can!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

closetothedoor said:


> Several times a week I play, and he will play the game with me. We are both pretty big nerds.
> 
> As far as how often I stay up late and play? Maybe once a month, on a Friday night. I really do love sleep and will pick sleep over video games.


How many hours of sleep do you get a night on average?


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## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> How many hours of sleep do you get a night on average?


Bedtime is normally at 10pm, up for work around 5:30 (after hitting snooze a few times when the alarm goes off at 5). So 7-8 hours?


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

OP get the book Why does He Do That? I think the author's name is Lundy Bancroft. Whatever you do do not go to MC, it will only make matters worse. MC legitimizes his behavior because the focus of MC is on how the partners interact and communicate and that approach assumes you have some responsibility for his behavior. Abuse is not the result of relationship problems. Relationship problems are the result of abuse.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

closetothedoor said:


> Bedtime is normally at 10pm, up for work around 5:30 (after hitting snooze a few times when the alarm goes off at 5). So 7-8 hours?


So how often do you go to bed at 8:30, or earlier than 10PM?


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## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> So how often do you go to bed at 8:30, or earlier than 10PM?


Maybe 1/3 of the days in a month? Usually with a reason, though. Like, hard day at work and I'm exhausted, or I'll have a migraine, or like last night it was a high anxiety day and I had worn myself out. Of course now that this is all going on he's being sweet and caring, and he actually came to bed with me at 8:30. We talked and probably didn't get to sleep until an hour later though. 

His reasoning for being upset and groaning is that he's "sad" that he doesn't get to spend time with me. We told our MC this and she said to him, "have you tried saying 'ok sweet dreams!' whenever she says she's going to bed?"

I think he said "yeah I could say that."

I've just thought to myself, we have the rest of our lives to spend time with each other. Did the last 3-4 hours after work not count? 

Bah!


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## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

wringo123 said:


> OP get the book Why does He Do That? I think the author's name is Lundy Bancroft. Whatever you do do not go to MC, it will only make matters worse. MC legitimizes his behavior because the focus of MC is on how the partners interact and communicate and that approach assumes you have some responsibility for his behavior. Abuse is not the result of relationship problems. Relationship problems are the result of abuse.


Thank you for that recommendation, I'll give the book a read asap!


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## Starlings (Sep 8, 2015)

This sounds like a more extreme version of the stuff I'm going through with my husband - I wish I had something to offer you besides commiseration. Hang in there - you're not crazy and you are not alone.


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## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

Starlings said:


> Hang in there - you're not crazy and you are not alone.


Thank you! I always feel a little stronger when I'm reminded I'm not alone in situations like this.


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## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

I had a tough time last night. H and I talked more about some of his actions and how they have hurt me. He's acknowledged them and I feel like for everything he brings up it's, 

"I never, ever wanted to hurt you! I'm wracked with guilt that I would ever do these things to you. I simply did not communicate well, I didn't think before I spoke and often said things I didn't mean in the heat of the moment. We all do that sometimes."

Yes, had you communicated better maybe we wouldn't be here, but I'm absolutely floored how he couldn't see the crying every weekend and even question it. I don't know. 

He's going to an anger management class tonight that he found and set up himself. He tells me that he really wants to get better and fix everything about himself. 

For some reason that just doesn't give me comfort. It's like I'm skeptical. Too afraid to get close again so that he can hurt me again.

But what if he really does want to change and will change? I would be the one stopping myself from bringing this wall down that is separating us, right?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Some people need more sleep than others. I need to be in bed by 8:30 am in order to function well the next day. Your sleeping habits seem pretty normal to me. I've told DH that if he wants any action he needs to work in with my sleeping patterns since he's a night owl. We had some confusing issues around that but at the end of the day, I refuse to go through life feeling like a zombie. Some nights I stay up late, but I usually regret it the next day. I used to play video games. It was my escape. I'd play until my eyes were drooping and even then I still didn't want to come back to reality. I think that was when I was feeling more depressed. Now I feel more stressed than depressed and can't get motivated to play. Not sure what is worse.

Anyway, just thought I'd post that so you know there are other people out there who like early bedtimes and who don't think there's anything wrong with that!


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> This sounds like complete insanity.
> 
> Forget counseling. File for divorce.
> 
> ...


Have to go with happy on this one, sounds like he is completely insecure as well and its not your job to give him strength, he needs to work on himself....


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

closetothedoor said:


> "I simply did not communicate well."


Close, if your H has strong BPD traits, his lack of communication skills are far down the list in his problems. Much more serious are his inability to regulate his own emotions, to do self soothing, to control impulses, to avoid black-white thinking, and to intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as "facts."



> "We all do that sometimes."


That likely is true. If he has strong BPD traits, his behavior differs from that of mature adults only in degree -- as though you magnified the normal dysfunctional behaviors by a factor of 20 or 40.


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## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

Thank you everyone again for responding! 

Uptown, I haven't had a chance to fully respond to the BPD list. I hope to do that today.

I do recall that reading during the courtship they often seem to love and adore everything you do, but once married or in a relationship it seems to change.

That sent bells ringing in my head when I read that. H told me that I've changed, that I don't seem like myself anymore. Truth is, he's right. I don't feel like myself because I can't be myself around him anymore. When I am, I get an attitude, told I'm paying too much attention to the thing I like and not enough attention to him, or "I guess that's more important than me."

I draw, I love drawing! It's my passion. One time I was drawing barely for an hour and he asked me if I would stop and spend time with him because he felt a little neglected. I really don't draw anymore...


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## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

He has called me abusive AGAIN!!

I can't do it. I can't. 

I'm sick with the stomach flu and a little snappy and short tempered right now. So he tries to bring up "us" and gets upset with me for being harsh in the way that I speak to him. I just want to sleep! I want to keep something as simple as toast down. Can we NOT talk about us right now??

And then he goes and praises himself for being all ~calm~ like, look at me, I'm bringing up my issues about you calmly and you aren't. So you're wrong, nyeh.

Darlin' you could serenade me with a string quartet, but that doesn't make it okay!!

So after a spat I go upstairs to try and calm down. I recognize I'm being snappy and need to cool down. Plus, I was extremely nauseous so I sat in the bathroom. And he follows me upstairs and keeps trying to talk to me! 

So I tell him to leave me alone, I don't feel well. I try and close the bathroom door and he puts his foot against it to stop me! I snap, "let me close the door!!!!" Finally he does.

And then he starts talking to me THROUGH the closed door, calling me controlling and abusive. I then threw up my lunch because hello, stomach flu. 

I tried. I tried, I tried. We went to counseling. I gave him chance after chance. I moved in with my parents on Monday. I just...have to tell him now. 

Every time I think I will, I freeze. I panic. "What if this isn't the right thing to do."

But I can't let this go on. I'm exhausted.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

closet, this will not get better. He makes you responsible for you own behavior and his behavior (if you'd only told him sooner....) . it's crazy. I had similar dynamic in my marriage, although not as crazy. He was not timing my leg shaving time....

It sounds like you don't have kids together. That makes is simple. Think about your life, where you go to bed when you tired without feeling guilty, when you take shower as long as you want (or can afford, lol) , where you do not need anxiety medication. Peace. And then think about your life right now. Which one feels better?


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## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

WandaJ said:


> It sounds like you don't have kids together. That makes is simple. Think about your life, where you go to bed when you tired without feeling guilty, when you take shower as long as you want (or can afford, lol) , where you do not need anxiety medication. Peace. And then think about your life right now. Which one feels better?


Nope, no kids! But a house and two car payments...bleh. And peace sounds immensely better. I long for it so much...

I recently read, "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by Lundy Bancroft, and in one of his chapters it said, "what are your reactions to these statements?: we think you should stay with him. Or, we think you should leave."

Of course the first one was "oh gosh, nightmare" and the second, "thank goodness."

I guess I'm worried a little about our debts, the house and cars. But they are just things, right? Expensive things, but just things...


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

closetothedoor said:


> Nope, no kids! But a house and two car payments...bleh. And peace sounds immensely better. I long for it so much...


You need to sit down and take a good look at your finances. What are the options iwht the house? sell, or let him buy you out? can you pay for your car by yourself? Imagine yourself in a nice, cozy condo, all yours. Is this something you can achieve if you divorce? 
what can you cut, what can you go without? If your goal is to divorce him, you will be able to make it happen. It won't be easy, it will be stressful for a while. It is really up to you.


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## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

I can absolutely afford to live comfortably. I had to support him for 6 mo (he moved here from the UK to marry me) until he was able to work. I can't afford the house on my own, but an apartment very easily. I can afford one car, and hopefully he'll take the other. 

I feel like it would be doable, but he'd have to be amicable (which funny enough, he has said he will be and would even move back to the UK, but I don't know if I believe the moving part). Edit: he said this as a "just in case we do divorce"


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OP, I'm glad you've gotten out. I have to echo in agreement with the other posters: this relationship IS abusive, and I think it would be only a matter of time before he gets physical with the abuse. I agree with everything everyone here has said.

Make sure, before you tell him that you've moved out, make sure that you take half the money out of all your accounts and put it in a separate account AT A DIFFERENT BANK in your name only. You are entitled to half of everything. Make sure you get it before you talk to him. You have no idea what he might do after the talk. He could drain the accounts. He could freeze them. He could spend everything and rack up the credit card bills. (So also make sure you take your name off any joint credit card accounts, or close the credit card accounts altogether.)

ETA: And, if you can, talk to a lawyer before you talk to him. Know your rights. He may try to bully you or threaten you, and make up things about what he can do to you legally.

If you talk to him in person, do it in a public place. Have someone you trust nearby, so they can get you out if he escalates.


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## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

Thank you! I'm second guessing myself a lot. What you said just helps reaffirm that it IS abuse. I'm trying to remind myself of all the things he has done to me. 

He is playing "sweetheart" right now and it's making it so hard... But he's done that before and then turned around and been horrible again. Can't let myself fall for it...


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

closetothedoor said:


> Thank you! I'm second guessing myself a lot. What you said just helps reaffirm that it IS abuse. I'm trying to remind myself of all the things he has done to me.
> 
> He is playing "sweetheart" right now and it's making it so hard... But he's done that before and then turned around and been horrible again. Can't let myself fall for it...


This is what they DO. They purposely confuse and bewilder their victim with hot/cold behavior. My XH did this to me, too. I thought I was losing my mind, second guessing myself all the time. 

Abusers/manipulators want you to think that you're the one who's crazy; they want to keep you confused, so that you won't leave. They do this as a way to control you. 

TAM really helped me, a lot, as did a good IC (individual counselor). And physically separating from him, and not engaging with him, will really help with your perspective.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

closetothedoor said:


> Thank you! I'm second guessing myself a lot. What you said just helps reaffirm that it IS abuse. I'm trying to remind myself of all the things he has done to me.
> 
> *He is playing "sweetheart" right now and it's making it so hard... But he's done that before and then turned around and been horrible again. Can't let myself fall for it...*


PS And he WILL do this again. Remind yourself of that. This is the abuser's script, right here.


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## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> PS And he WILL do this again. Remind yourself of that. This is the abuser's script, right here.


In 15 minutes we meet with his anger management counselor... I'm going to tell the counselor I am done and ask for his advice on how to tell my H or have him help me tell him in the meeting.

I like this counselor. He is the one who helped us draw the line in the sand. And I know he will respond accordingly when I tell him my H crossed that line. 

At least, I hope he will. Will update after the meeting...


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

closetothedoor said:


> In 15 minutes we meet with his anger management counselor... I'm going to tell the counselor I am done and ask for his advice on how to tell my H or have him help me tell him in the meeting.
> 
> I like this counselor. He is the one who helped us draw the line in the sand. And I know he will respond accordingly when I tell him my H crossed that line.
> 
> At least, I hope he will. Will update after the meeting...


Good luck!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Yes, good luck to you! Be strong! 

*hugs*


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## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

Oh my goodness, definitely the right thing to do!!! Even in front of the counselor he was saying I was abusive!

I know I will grieve, but it will be grief over the life that I hoped to have with him. But now I can make steps to get back to being me and free!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well if you're so abusive he should be happy to be rid of you. Unless he's full of sh!t.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well if you're so abusive he should be happy to be rid of you. Unless he's full of sh!t.


I am so framing this hahaha


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

closetothedoor said:


> Oh my goodness, definitely the right thing to do!!! Even in front of the counselor he was saying I was abusive!
> 
> I know I will grieve, but it will be grief over the life that I hoped to have with him. But now I can make steps to get back to being me and free!


And that is probably as well as it could have gone.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How often do you play video games and stay up late?
> 
> Your husband is abusive. Abusers work to make you feel crazy by twisting things. .if you did x you should have done y. So next time you do y, and now you should have done x. His constant need for you to jump through hoops to prove your love for him is another abusive thing he does.
> 
> ...


Elegirl is very right, the physical abuse comes next, I have gone through what you are with my ex. 

He started to control my life and make me feel guilty for everything, then he got to where he blamed me for him throwing stuff around the house, then it was my fault when he started hitting me.

I would have to call him from work phone when I got there-call him at my breaks- call him when i got home from the house phone so he would know I was at home and I had better not be late. 

One day as I was driving, that the night before he held a gun to my head and how he wanted to pull the trigger so bad, but didn't because the mortgage was die and I was the only one that worked. I ended up talking to a very good friend of mine, to get my ex out of town so i could leave. 
When I was packing the ex came back for something, I jumped in my vehicle and left with only the clothes on my back and a couple of changes of clothes.

When I look back, it was worth leaving everything I had worked for to get away. It took all I had in me and 6 years to get out, pitiful I know that it took me so long. but I did get out.

Just watch yourself OP, they know how to be extra nice, and make you think they are better. Then the bad gets worse.


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