# How do I tell my wife and what can I do for her?



## crappyhusband85 (Oct 28, 2017)

I cheated on my wife and I need to tell her. What is the least destructive way of telling a spouse about infidelity? I understand that there is no magical way to tell her that will avoid pain. I want to do right is best for HER for a change. My wife was cheated on in a previous relationship, and she has carried a lot of worry from that into our relationship. It took her years to trust me, and now I’m about to blow that trust to smithereens. I don’t want this to be the end of my marriage, I am well aware that it may if that is what she chooses is best for her, but I want to stay together. 

Last October (2017) while at a bar with friends I danced and made out with a woman, told her I was single, and we felt each other up. I wanted to have sex with her, and probably would have if a friend of mine hadn’t of stopped it. In September I let a friend of mine/old hook up give me blowjobs and I went down on her and fingered her. It happened 3 times, until she got back together with her boyfriend. December 11th I slept with her, when they broke up again. 

The first time that I cheated I thought that I could keep it to myself and I would never cheat again. That isn’t working. I am prepared to do whatever my wife wants me to in order to save our marriage. 

Should I wait until after Christmas so the holidays are not ruined? Tell her right now? I don’t want to lose her.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You're not telling her to be honest. You're wanting to tell her to assuage your guilt.


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## crappyhusband85 (Oct 28, 2017)

Thound said:


> You're not telling her to be honest. You're wanting to tell her to assuage your guilt.


That may be a part of it but it's not the single reason. I don't want my wife to find out about any of it from someone else, and she could. I want to have an STD test done before I have sex with my wife again, and she is going to wonder why we are not even kissing for 4 weeks. I had unprotected sex and my wife is pregnant, I have done enough damage I don't want to do more.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Tell her now...despite whatever YOUR reasons are....

Trust me...she likely already has the gut feeling.

Your a serial cheat and a sloppy one ..... uuummmm... yeah..... she already knows.... even if she is in denial about it


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## crappyhusband85 (Oct 28, 2017)

Mr.Married said:


> Tell her now...despite whatever YOUR reasons are....
> 
> Trust me...she likely already has the gut feeling.
> 
> Your a serial cheat and a sloppy one ..... uuummmm... yeah..... she already knows.... even if she is in denial about it


She has worried about me cheating for our entire relationship, even when I wasn't cheating. She may suspect that I am, but that wouldn't be any different than before. I know that I'm an *******. What is the best way to tell her?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Get used to the fact that there is no good way. Your honestly just trying to make it easy on yourself...not her.


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## brettyboo (May 5, 2018)

crappyhusband85 said:


> I know that I'm an *******.


No-one will argue with you there. You'll probably destroy her faith and trust in humanity. I dont actually know what to recommend, I fear for this woman's mental health.

Suffice it to say, i think you know she deserves to know all of it and make a decision on whether to stay with you.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

crappyhusband85 said:


> I cheated on my wife and I need to tell her. What is the least destructive way of telling a spouse about infidelity? I understand that there is no magical way to tell her that will avoid pain. I want to do right is best for HER for a change. My wife was cheated on in a previous relationship, and she has carried a lot of worry from that into our relationship. It took her years to trust me, and now I’m about to blow that trust to smithereens. I don’t want this to be the end of my marriage, I am well aware that it may if that is what she chooses is best for her, but I want to stay together.
> 
> Last October (2017) while at a bar with friends I danced and made out with a woman, told her I was single, and we felt each other up. I wanted to have sex with her, and probably would have if a friend of mine hadn’t of stopped it. In September I let a friend of mine/old hook up give me blowjobs and I went down on her and fingered her. It happened 3 times, until she got back together with her boyfriend. December 11th I slept with her, when they broke up again.
> 
> ...


I don't think there is a least destructive way. The best way is to just tell her straight that you cheated multiple times, and if she wants details, you give them. No trickle truth or minimizing or blameshifting or anything like that. But whether she decides to leave or stay with you, you need to get yourself and your stuff together. Otherwise, you won't be a safe, faithful partner for anybody.

If your wife decides to stay, and if you really mean what you say, you'd better be ready to back up your words, because recovery isn't easy and the marriage will never be what it was before. You need individual therapy before you go together.
Be prepared for triggers, emotional outbursts, and never ending questions. 

I would advise your wife to seek individual therapy as well, to let her focus on herself for a while and let her find herself outside of you and the hurt she experienced before and will experience later.

Do know that your wife's trust in you will also not be what it once was and it may never return. You've come to a forum of tough love. I hope you've truly grasped the severity of your actions. And I hope your wife finds peace.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

There isn't really a "good" time. (Lying now to keep things happy over the holidays is pretty empty. Finding out that your life is a lie pretty much sucks that happiness right out.) Sit her down and tell her. Be practical and try and pick a time when you can be around to deal with the fall-out if she wants you there. Or get the hell out if she doesn't. Don't do it on the way to work, at a friend's wedding or in a public place. Make sure that she has time, space and privacy. And tell her as much as she wants to know. No lying, no twisting the truth. And remember that she didn't do anything to cause this or "drive you to it". This is all you. Your decisions, your choices.

You do seem slightly concerned about the pain that this will cause your wife. So I suppose that's a start. Although, it does seem that you're almost counting on that pain. Over the space of 4 months you've engaged in a very concerted effort to end your marriage. And you've gone about it in a way calculated to cause the most damage to your wife when she finds out. I think that a part of you is actually relishing telling her. Any idea why?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

crappyhusband85 said:


> She has worried about me cheating for our entire relationship, even when I wasn't cheating. She may suspect that I am, but that wouldn't be any different than before. I know that I'm an *******. What is the best way to tell her?


So you hit her where she is most vulnerable while she is pregnant. Now you want to tell her that you have been living a single life while she thought she was married--because you know she is about to find out. So no discretion, no protection, no character, no respect, no excuses, no mention of love or caring--how do you look at yourself in the mirror?

The kindest thing you can do is release her from your miserable self. Open your mouth and start talking.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Your wife is pregnant so she is at her most vulnerable at the moment. 
Instead of protecting her and your offspring at this time, you decide cheat on her.

Has your wife got close family and friends? She is going to need them. She might not be as emotionally strong as usual whilst pregnant.

Why haven't you gone for std/sti already? What are waiting for?

And like others have stated. You are only confessing because she might find out. You are not confessing because you love her and feel such remorse that you can't live with your actions.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If she agrees to remain married to you, just remember it takes years to overcome infidelity. Often, no matter how hard a betrayed spouse tries to get beyond it, it's not possible to recover. Children pick up on all of that. In other words, be prepared when you tell her for the possibility that the life you knew is over. You may be one of the fortunate ones whose marriage doesn't blow up but that's unknown right now. As to how to tell her, there's no good way to minimize the pain that's headed her way. What you can do is tell the truth and don't downplay your actions or imply in any way she's to blame even a little. This is all on you. None of it will be easy so don't expect it to be.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You essentially got the 'go ahead' from some members to not tell your wife about the first time you cheated, so you decided to knock up your wife and go for round two?

And, here you are, trying to figure out when will be the best time to confess your oh-so guilty conscience in a manner that will not devastate your pregnant wife and ruin her Christmas holidays for the rest of her life.

There is no advice to achieve what you want. Merry Christmas, *******.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I would highly recommend that your confession be done before both your wife and a marriage counselor or church pastor, primarily because you're going to probably need the services of that counselor or pastor in trying to attempt to right the ship of the marriage state for the two of you!

Greatly keeping in mind that there are no firm guarantees of success!

Let's face it ~ there's no easy way to do it!*


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If my husband had cheated on me and then dragged me to a marriage counselor before confessing, I would have divorced him just for being a grade A chicken-****.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> *If my husband had cheated on me and then dragged me to a marriage counselor before confessing, I would have divorced him just for being a grade A chicken-****.*


*That's why I suggested a pastor or a minister as a recourse!

As I intoned earlier, there is no easy way out for him ~ he'd best be fully prepared to pay the piper, and perhaps find other digs in which to live during the process!*


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Not confessing in private doesn't allow his wife to express her true emotions. With a witness present, all that does is protect the OP from the true fallout of his heinous behavior. He doesn't deserve to get off easy. He's already mastered that.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> *Not confessing in private doesn't allow his wife to express her true emotions. With a witness present, all that does is protect the OP from the true fallout of his heinous behavior. He doesn't deserve to get off easy. He's already mastered that.*


*Truer words were never spoken!*


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> Not confessing in private doesn't allow his wife to express her true emotions. With a witness present, all that does is protect the OP from the true fallout of his heinous behavior. He doesn't deserve to get off easy. He's already mastered that.


Good point !


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

crappyhusband85 said:


> *I cheated on my wife and I need to tell her. What is the least destructive way of telling a spouse about infidelity?* I understand that there is no magical way to tell her that will avoid pain. I want to do right is best for HER for a change. My wife was cheated on in a previous relationship, and she has carried a lot of worry from that into our relationship. It took her years to trust me, and now I’m about to blow that trust to smithereens. I don’t want this to be the end of my marriage, I am well aware that it may if that is what she chooses is best for her, but I want to stay together.
> 
> Last October (2017) while at a bar with friends I danced and made out with a woman, told her I was single, and we felt each other up. I wanted to have sex with her, and probably would have if a friend of mine hadn’t of stopped it. In September I let a friend of mine/old hook up give me blowjobs and I went down on her and fingered her. It happened 3 times, until she got back together with her boyfriend. December 11th I slept with her, when they broke up again.
> 
> ...


There is a way, and for some, it can seem like hoodoo or black magic. 

Never cheat, and only talk about those despicable cheater with you wife on occasion. You simply have to believe what you say. 

Oddly enough, women have this darned sixth sense about these things. Sucks when you realize she knows you better than you know yourself. 

Wish I could help her get through this. Maybe send her to a counselor and tell her slowly while you admit all you did, show true sorrow and remorse, make amends as best you can, and hope she can live with the consequences she never asked for.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Not confessing in private *doesn't allow his wife to express her true emotions.* With a witness present, all that does is protect the OP from the true fallout of his heinous behavior. He doesn't deserve to get off easy. He's already mastered that.


You mean slap him bald headed? lol


Anyway, I saw your point after I posted. It makes sense and I suggest the advice be heeded. Then, work with a counselor. 


I think her emotions could best be expressed in court. >


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

crappyhusband85 said:


> She has worried about me cheating for our entire relationship, even when I wasn't cheating. She may suspect that I am, but that wouldn't be any different than before. I know that I'm an *******. What is the best way to tell her?


There is no best way to tell her. I would suggest you go to a restuarant, with a quiet area. Tell her you have to tell her something which is going to be painful. 
Tell her the whole truth. She will cry, scream ,etc. Ask her if she wants to call her friend, sister etc to have support, she may decide to leave you ( she’s pregnant, what a cad you are). I think you wont change, I feel so sorry for the baby also. Some men should never be married, period. You are one of them.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> You mean slap him bald headed? lol
> 
> 
> Anyway, I saw your point after I posted. It makes sense and I suggest the advice be heeded. Then, work with a counselor.
> ...




Absolutely, a real Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to him.

He can give his wife the same courtesy he gave his ****buddy - the courtesy of privacy.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

aine said:


> There is no best way to tell her. I would suggest you go to a restuarant, with a quiet area. Tell her you have to tell her something which is going to be painful.
> Tell her the whole truth. She will cry, scream ,etc. Ask her if she wants to call her friend, sister etc to have support, she may decide to leave you ( she’s pregnant, what a cad you are). I think you wont change, I feel so sorry for the baby also. Some men should never be married, period. You are one of them.


Why would you suggest that he take her to a public location to tell her he has been unfaithful? If she reacts emotionally, and chances are high that she will, she will only feel more humiliated and exposed. This is a private matter, not a public affair.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I take somewhat of a contrarian view. First you need to take a personal inventory to determine why you're wanting and willing to chase other women. You've got some deficiency that your wife and perhaps nobody can assuage. You may be just a life long horn-dog thats a glutton for variety sex . You'll never satisfy the longing but you'll have a compulsion to keep trying. May be you've lost romantic interest in your wife. In short, you need to determine why you're compelled to do what you do. My take is youre simply a horn-dog. Chances are you're sorry now but when that urge hits you, its Katie bar the door.

My advice is to keep you mouth shut at least until you figure out why you chase women and if you really want to have a life with one woman. ( To say "commit" to one woman would be an extremely poor way of putting it. You've already proven otherwise) You may be overly eager to confess so she'll do the hard work of ditching you thus allowing you the freedom to persue a variety of partners.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Ed3n said:


> Why would you suggest that he take her to a public location to tell her he has been unfaithful?


It's the default way for chicken **** men (an women) to handle a situation like this. When you really don't give a rats azz about the person youre "confessing" to, its the default move to use goups of people as buffers to protect you. Its a good move for cowardly men who don't have the stones to face up to their actions. I've never been one of these but met several.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

crappyhusband85 said:


> I cheated on my wife and I need to tell her. What is the least destructive way of telling a spouse about infidelity? I understand that there is no magical way to tell her that will avoid pain. I want to do right is best for HER for a change. My wife was cheated on in a previous relationship, and she has carried a lot of worry from that into our relationship. It took her years to trust me, and now I’m about to blow that trust to smithereens. I don’t want this to be the end of my marriage, I am well aware that it may if that is what she chooses is best for her, but I want to stay together.
> 
> Last October (2017) while at a bar with friends I danced and made out with a woman, told her I was single, and we felt each other up. I wanted to have sex with her, and probably would have if a friend of mine hadn’t of stopped it. In September I let a friend of mine/old hook up give me blowjobs and I went down on her and fingered her. It happened 3 times, until she got back together with her boyfriend. December 11th I slept with her, when they broke up again.
> 
> ...


Write everything down in a timeline. Are you still in contact with the **** you destroyed your marriage over? If so, write her a no contact letter as well. Go to a lawyer and have separation /divorce paperwork drawn up heavily in favor of your wife.

Get an appointment with a counselor who has experience with infidelity. You will need the counseling for yourself and your wife may need it as well as your kids, sorry if I missed it if you don't have any besides the one on the way.

Make sure to have an evening where you two can talk without anyone else around as she should be able to yell and call you names if she needs to.

As you are starting your talk, hand her the timeline, the separation /divorce papers and the no contact letter for her consideration.

Be contrite, honest and don't try to make yourself look better. You are basically scum right now and it is going to take a lot of hard work and good choices to reform yourself.

Your marriage is going to be her decision since you destroyed it to get your pecker wet.

Understand that you gave it up and seriously hurt your wife in the process.

If she wants to work on it, go from there. You will both need counseling regardless so have it set up, if for no other reason than you will be co parents and need help with that.

Best wishes.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Send her here we will help her.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

crappyhusband85 said:


> That may be a part of it but it's not the single reason. I don't want my wife to find out about any of it from someone else, and she could.


I figured that was likely behind your phony desire to suddenly want to 'do right by your wife.' This isn't about guilt at all. 

This is ALL about *self preservation*. It usually _is_ when a cheater suddenly wants to 'confess.'

I'm also willing to bet that your phony 'confession' will be minimized as much as you can possibly minimize it. It will also likely include how 'drunk' you were or how these women led you on and you were too stupid to realize it and 'fell' for it, and maybe you can even use one of those old cliche cheater stand-by's about how the OW was making you have sex with her or she'd blab to your wife. 

I read stories about these phony 'confessions' all the time on Infidelity boards. Very very rarely are they truly altruistic and you're just proving my point yet again.

So your actual question is, "how can I save my sorry ass from being dragged into divorce court because I've been enjoying getting myself some strange on the side but now I'm petrified some big mouth might tell my wife." Lord KNOWS it wouldn't be you who told her if you weren't backed into a corner and *had* to do it, right?

I just saw in a further post that your wife is pregnant. This just gets more and more repulsive the more I read.

Sadly, since your wife is pregnant, she doesn't have many options. I feel sorry for her that her options are so limited that she can't just up and leave you like she should.

My advice? Tell her you're a horn dog who can't keep his pants zipped and will take any strange you can get. I'd also tell her that your desire to screw around doesn't magically go away just because you had to 'confess.' It will *always* be there and you'll be back to getting yourself another POA the first chance you get as soon as the heat from this dies down.

And if she's smart, she'll be at her lawyer's in the morning.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The info you need is more than we can give you here on a forum. Read the book linked to below. It will tell you what to do. We here on TAM can give you support as well.


*How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful* by Linda J. MacDonald


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When is your wife due to deliver her baby?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> The info you need is more than we can give you here on a forum. Read the book linked to below. It will tell you what to do. We here on TAM can give you support as well.
> 
> 
> *How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful* by Linda J. MacDonald


I was about to post this same book. Buy this today and read it through before you do anything. This book can be purchased so you can read it on a tablet, computer, or phone. You can literally have it in less than five minutes if you buy it right now. Here is the kindle version: https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Sp...swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1544984173&sr=8-1

It is good that you came here before making any decisions about how to go about this. Have one of your friends or one of the women threatened to tell your wife? 

I would normally say to wait until after the holidays to tell her, but since you are not having sex with her, you should tell her as soon as you finish with the book above. It is a short book and should only take a few hours to read it, if that. It is important that you get a good overview of what your wife is going to experience and how best to take her into consideration. You are having a child with her and even if she does divorce you, you are going to need to be able to get along with her and consider her for many years to come.

I recommend you set up an appointment with a marriage counselor immediately. If your wife doesn't want to go with you, you should go to talk about why you are doing these things and to root out the character defect that is causing you to be a cheater. Happiness comes from having deep, loving relationships. Cheaters don't normally have that in their lives, because they betray the ones who love them.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The three options:

1) Tell her the truth, all of it.
2) Tell her the truth after the baby is born. Why take a chance on it being a fatal casualty to her grief.
3) Keep your mouth shut and never cheat again.

I do not think you can do number three. 

I would choose number two.
However, I do not trust you to keep your word. So number one it is.

If the baby [for whatever reason] dies as a result of your loose morals and your sudden honesty......hell-fire shame on you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Do it soon. Do it at home.

You have a lot of work to do on you.

Did you get into the dumb mindset of "might as well be hung for a sheep, rather than a lamb?"

That is messy and dangerous thinking.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

You ****ed up.

This is most likely going to destroy her.

You can't do anything for her.

Tell her and hope for the best.

Maybe she'll forgive you, but she'll probably never trust you again.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

As @Blondilocks stated you came here in 10/17 with the original infidelity--same poor me, I shouldn't have-- and were advised by some to keep your mouth shut. Who knows how many instances you keep secret? NOW you are back with a pregnant wife as a cheater with your ****buddy. Who knows if this could have been avoided if you had come clean with wife before you continued in your serial cheating ways?

As I said earlier in this thread, tell her now. Make sure that she understands that you have no self discipline, respect, or love for her--couldn't even use protection. You have made a choice--selfish me over my wife and baby. Guessing ****buddy has told you she has STD and you fear others will tell your wife. At any rate sex with this 'friend' who sees you between breakups with her boyfriend is more important to you than your wife. So if you care for wife at all---continue to make it so that she will be happy to let you go.

I'm glad i believe in karma.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ed3n said:


> Why would you suggest that he take her to a public location to tell her he has been unfaithful? If she reacts emotionally, and chances are high that she will, she will only feel more humiliated and exposed. This is a private matter, not a public affair.


I know exactly what you are saying but think about it. She is pregnant, probably hormonal, she will feel stuck and maybe even suicidal. Due to this, I would be concerned about having it out at home, she could do anything to herself. I did suggest a quiet corner and then getting her friend/family involved.
The way i see it, if it goes down at home, fighting, screaming shouting, etc (inevitable cause she will be hurt and angry), he storms out and leaves her alone, or she kicks him out .................... then?

I was trying to be pragmatic and realistic.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

VladDracul said:


> It's the default way for chicken **** men (an women) to handle a situation like this. When you really don't give a rats azz about the person youre "confessing" to, its the default move to use goups of people as buffers to protect you. Its a good move for cowardly men who don't have the stones to face up to their actions. I've never been one of these but met several.


See my response, to earlier comment on same thing. The purpose is to protect her not him (he deserves everything he has coming). A quiet place (not with groups of people as you put it!). Read the bloody thing I wrote properly.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

aine said:


> See my response, to earlier comment on same thing. The purpose is to protect her not him (he deserves everything he has coming). A quiet place (not with groups of people as you put it!). Read the bloody thing I wrote properly.


Ah, yes...
Properly.

Using the British King's English, not the language of Romanian long-dead knaves!

Matters not!!

Save the wife.
Save the baby.

The cheater?
Off wit ees' ed!

Oh, my!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

VladDracul said:


> I take somewhat of a contrarian view. First you need to take a personal inventory to determine why you're wanting and willing to chase other women. You've got some deficiency that your wife and perhaps nobody can assuage. You may be just a life long horn-dog thats a glutton for variety sex . You'll never satisfy the longing but you'll have a compulsion to keep trying. May be you've lost romantic interest in your wife. In short, you need to determine why you're compelled to do what you do. My take is youre simply a horn-dog. Chances are you're sorry now but when that urge hits you, its Katie bar the door.
> 
> My advice is to keep you mouth shut at least until you figure out why you chase women and if you really want to have a life with one woman. ( To say "commit" to one woman would be an extremely poor way of putting it. You've already proven otherwise) You may be overly eager to confess so she'll do the hard work of ditching you thus allowing you the freedom to persue a variety of partners.


I second this. Maybe you just shouldn't be married, and tell your wife that you want a divorce? Tell her she's done nothing wrong, it's just that you aren't able to have sex with only one woman, and you'd like to be single. Tell her you'll help raise the baby, be a good dad, but that you can't really stay in a committed relationship.

Once she's suffered that news, let her know you've been bad, you've cheated a couple of times at bars, and have just come to realize you aren't a viable marital partner.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Gabriel said:


> Tell her you'll help raise the baby, be a good dad, .


That got me thinking Gab. I don't think I've ever run across a poon hound that was really a good dad. They are oftentimes the kind that will cancel visitation, forget kid's events, et cetera to go chase poon tang. They've already gave up the family for a roll in the sack. What's missing the kids birthday for a s’envoyer en l’air with the neighbor's visiting cousin. The kid will be around next week. The cousin won't.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

As a guy that cheated on his wife (ONS) and confessed, here is why I told her.

I told her, because she deserved to know, and I knew that I would never stop without it getting out. I knew that if I kept it a secret, I would never stop, and it would only end worse that it already was.

By telling her, I gave her the choice to either work with me together in this or to run.

I would like to say that I could have kept it a secret and never do it again, but ultimately I know it was as symptom of a bigger problem within me and without intervention it would burn me up eventually.

Also, for the record, that was 2012 and we are still married.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

VladDracul said:


> That got me thinking Gab. I don't think I've ever run across a poon hound that was really a good dad. They are oftentimes the kind that will cancel visitation, forget kid's events, et cetera to go chase poon tang. They've already gave up the family for a roll in the sack. What's missing the kids birthday for a s’envoyer en l’air with the neighbor's visiting cousin. The kid will be around next week. The cousin won't.


Probably depends on how strong this desire is. If he's a total dog, then you might be right. Some people though aren't chasers, just opportunists.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

You could always use the tried and true method of trickle truth and gas lighting for years. "If only you hadn't gotten pregnant and rejected me for sex, I wouldn't have made out with the first woman that came onto me."


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

crappyhusband85 said:


> I cheated on my wife and I need to tell her. What is the least destructive way of telling a spouse about infidelity?
> 
> .... *My wife was cheated on in a previous relationship,* and she has carried a lot of worry from that into our relationship. It took her years to trust me, and now I’m about to blow that trust to smithereens. I don’t want this to be the end of my marriage, I am well aware that it may if that is what she chooses is best for her, but I want to stay together.
> 
> ...





crappyhusband85 said:


> That may be a part of it but it's not the single reason. I don't want my wife to find out about any of it from someone else, and she could. *I want to have an STD test done before I have sex with my wife *again, and she is going to wonder why we are not even kissing for 4 weeks. *I had unprotected sex and my wife is pregnant*, I have done enough damage I don't want to do more.


Assuming this is real and not a troll who hasn't replied recently, I have a few comments.

As others have said you need to seriously do some intense introspection. 

You knew you were having sex with someone who was not your wife, you just thought you could keep it secret. Then you found out you were cheating multiple times. How did that happen without your knowing it? Kind of like you didn't learn your lessons and didn't care that much about your marriage. One of the fascinating aspects is how people either feel (1) they are entitled to cheat or (2) that the cheating "just happens." Sort of like I "kissed her then unzipped her dress, took off her clothes....unzipped my pants and then somehow we just had sex!" Like you weren't even there participating and enabling the whole thing at each step.

You say you value your marriage and don't want to loose it, but you have not yet confronted yourself. You need to figure out why you didn't stop yourself. Once you have figured that out, then you need to figure out if you can stop yourself or if you even want to stop yourself from cheating on her. If you have changed such that this will not happen again, which based on your entire post I would not believe, then I would suggest you not tell her right a way. The reason is that it will take awhile to figure out why you did it and if you can stop yourself in the future. 

If you think you can stop yourself in the future then you need to make some serious changes to your life. My suggestion would be to find religion and devote yourself to your new child. Then I would advise you to seek religious guidance on if you should take your secret to the grave or confess your sins to your wife. Getting over your guilt by confessing and ruining her life is not a reason for confessing. A reason for confessing is to become a new more ethical you, who recognizes their responsibilities.

Now as to the STD test. Go on-line to https://www.walkinlab.com/ Sign up for an STD test (they have several), either pay with cash, paypal, or a gift card you bought with cash. Please don't tell me that you want to use your health insurance to pay for it because otherwise it will cost you money and you will have to do without something. Buddy, you need to start doing without a lot of somethings over the next couple decades to make up for what you have done.

Good luck to your pregnant wife. I hope that someday she finds a man who values and cherishes her and your child. She is about to bless you with a child and you have focused only on yourself.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

aine said:


> I know exactly what you are saying but think about it. She is pregnant, probably hormonal, she will feel stuck and maybe even suicidal. Due to this, I would be concerned about having it out at home, she could do anything to herself. I did suggest a quiet corner and then getting her friend/family involved.
> The way i see it, if it goes down at home, fighting, screaming shouting, etc (inevitable cause she will be hurt and angry), he storms out and leaves her alone, or she kicks him out .................... then?
> 
> I was trying to be pragmatic and realistic.


Inviting a close friend or family member to their home for her emotional support would accomplish the same thing. There are times when giving someone bad news in a public space makes sense, this is not one of those times. He has shown very little concern for his pregnant wife, or her feelings. I doubt he is going to start now. His wife losing it in public when he tells her he cheated would be a good way for him to further humiliate her. 

If he storms out or she kicks him out, she will probably call a friend or family member. Unless she is completely socially isolated, she has a support network. In my experience, most people call a friend/family member when they find out there partner has cheated on them. They want someone to commiserate with, to console them, or to help them find a way to leave. I am not prone to sharing my relationship drama with anyone, but even I will call someone when something as serious as this situation happens. I have been on the receiving end of MANY calls from distraught friends.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Hook....Line.....Sinker

myself included.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Elvis has left the building.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Simple. You tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may.


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## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

dont tell her. take this to your grave. dont do it anymore either.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

thebettyshow said:


> dont tell her. take this to your grave. dont do it anymore either.


Pluuzzzz, as if that is going to work for a serial cheater! :banghead:

The poor wife needs him out of her life, period.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie thread.


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