# Long time struggle with DH attachment to family



## [email protected] (Oct 22, 2015)

Hi , i am new here and feeling torn and both nervous and excited about the future. I think i know what to do. Want to hear others' opinions. 

I am 45 and have been married to a man for 13 l o n g years. I am not quite sure we were ever really happy because of so many familial obligations that i feel never really allowed us to develop as partners and have that honeymoon phase.

So, background: I am of Indian origin, though American born and brought up. DH is from an African country, but left there at age 21. We met during residency training almost 19 years ago. 

Our issues stem from his never telling me his plans to school and host his family, little by little on the backs of our marriage. From day 1 , we have either been supporting a sibling in school in our home or a parent for a green card. IN 13 years, we have not had a 365 day period of being just us or our family ( we have three children, born 3 and 5 years into the marriage). I had been trying to be a dutiful daughter and wife for so long and now I AM SICK and tired. 

Its a very long , long story, but i have countless times discussed with him that this is not what i ever wanted/expected or was prepared for and he never seems to care enough to do anything about it. He now tells me that having his mother come every six month to stay from 3-6 months at a time is a compromise. He also tells me that no one has honored his wife more than he has. That is complete BS.

Now that my kids are 10, 10 and 8 , i feel like its time to split. I have been in counseling for six months and it has helped me see that i am not the selfish and miserable person he continues to accuse me of.

I know i am not filling in all the ugly details but wanted to get others' opinions on the situation of a man putting his family of origin ahead of his family that he created EVERY Time- no matter the cost.. no matter the impact. We have been so divided all these years to the point that i now want nothing to do with his culture... and the more i avoid it the more he wants to kick me to the curb.

I work full time and can probably support the kids with a decent lifestyle...I feel a very aching need to move on with my life and find some peace. 

Now that i have convinced him that i really am willing to leave, he says he now wants to fight for me.. but that still doesn't mean he will change his ways, i can guarantee this.

H E L P ! advice!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

You have been in counseling... has he? My point is that you have told someone YOUR side of the story and they tell you aren't a "selfish and miserable" person. But your counselor may feel differently talking to your husband.

If you've made your mind up then leave. If not, get him to go to marriage counseling if for no other reason than YOU haven't been able to change him but a counselor may have more luck.

In the meantime, start making fallback plans... housing, savings, separate credit cards, etc... in case you actually have to go.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

So, have you told him you don't want his mother coming and living with you guys and that you want some living time alone, just you guys??

I understand how you are feeling. Couples need alone time to develop and strengthen their ties. You guys never had that. So, at this time I image things are pretty tense with you two. I am sorry, I like my MIL, I don't want her living with me, even, one day. 

If you think you have had enough, then that it. Only you can know how you feel and how much more you can take. Just make sure you have your finances in order, so that he cant mess-up your credit. 

Lets us know, what your plans are.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

It sounds like you have repeatedly aired your grievances and he has repeatedly ignored your feelings on the matter.

His promises now to change and "fight for you" are not likely to change who he is at his core. He will still have a deep-rooted sense of obligation to his family. Hence, you will still be stuck with Grandma coming for 6 months at a time, and all the extended relatives continuing to leech off of you.

It sounds like you have gotten good counseling and you have made up your mind. I think it's time to move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Oct 22, 2015)

Thank you for your candor, to the three above who responded so quickly. 
He, of course, had been resistant all along to go to counseling and now says he would like to. I don't know. As happy as a clam says, he is pretty set in his ways. Im still somewhat young and possibly still have a chance at the future i was always hoping with someone.. and even if not, i revel in being able to live with my kids in my own space. I didn't mention, of course that MAMA is not all that kind to me or even my kids. She doesn't speak much to me in general and basically waits for him to get home and monopolizes his time.. Like i said, long and nasty story. I have wanted to move on for at least 5 years now, and i was just waiting for the kids to mature a bit and give them some memories of what it was like to be in a family. 
I still welcome any other comments on the matter. I am not sure what you meant, Chris, regarding what the counselor would say or think of him. Narcissism is just that. Cant really hide it.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Have you told him of your desire to leave the marriage? 

I think even if he goes to counseling nothing is going to change because MAMA have too much influence. He is accustom to his mother telling him what to do, his family is too important to him, so don't expect too much to change. 

You are wanting an "American family life", just you, kids and H. But that is not how he and his family does things. The family members who are doing well, are expected to help. His parents are expecting that their son is going to take care of them and they would stay with him. Whenever they want. You see it their son's home not yours. So you have no say in the matter. 

My MIL is the same way, it's her son's house. My girlfriend had to remind her when I worked I wasn't making pennies. 

Sometimes, you just have to live up to your own expectations. Your family cant make you happy, the be the good daughter, can only last so long if you are miserable.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

[email protected] said:


> Hi , i am new here and feeling torn and both nervous and excited about the future. I think i know what to do. Want to hear others' opinions.
> 
> I am 45 and have been married to a man for 13 l o n g years. I am not quite sure we were ever really happy because of so many familial obligations that i feel never really allowed us to develop as partners and have that honeymoon phase.
> 
> ...


Apart from the family issues is the relationship otherwise satisfying? Are you or were you madly in love with him at some point? I ask this because divorcing with children should really be an option once you've exhausted all other possibilities.

He says he wants to fight for you. Can you not then set up some rules with which he has to agree? For example:
1- your MIL can only stay for 1 month and if she is disrespectful to you, she's out
2- other relatives can only visit for short periods of time, once you have both agreed on dates, times, etc. 
3- no more supporting others if it is a financial strain -- you have your own children to put through college someday!

It is clear that the cultural gap complicates things, that's why you have to be administrative and not emotional about this. He'll never really understand your point of view. 

I know what that fed up feeling is like and the desire to just run away but there may be a better way. Put your foot down and mean it. This has worked for me.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

I can't believe how long you have put up with your MIL staying so long! You must have the patience if a saint. My MIL lived with us for 2 months and I was going crazy by the end. In fact she was scheduled to stay for three months but I was becoming so depressed that I told my husband about my arrangements to live with my mother for a few weeks with our son. That made him realize how much it was affecting me and he felt bad so he moved up her flight date by a whole month. It worked out well because her husband needed a major surgery and now she is able to be there for him.

My MIL is nice and has good intentions but it still became intolerable. My husband also started to not like her presence so I guess that is why he was willing to compromise with me. He is the oldest and most well off son too so it could easily turn into his mom immigrating and living with us forever. But I told him I just can't bear with it and its a strong motivator for me to separate and live alone with our kids, not divorce. He took it to heart and now doesn't talk about a future of her living with us indefinitely and promised her next visits will be just a month. And I'm very clear that's still a long trial for me to endure!

Put your foot down and set your limit low so that if he compromises with you the length of her stay will be close to what you can actually tolerate. If 3 months is doable for you once a year then start off with telling him that one month a year is unbearable.

To be honest though, if my MIL was even a little mean to me I would reject any idea of her living with us for more than 2 weeks at most and only that because of travelling from overseas. 

You are not crazy or selfish for not wanting her there half the year every year! Be ready to move out and be serious. If he refuses to compromise with what is reasonably tolerable by you then just move out. You don't have to divorce but could just support your own living arrangements. You deserve to be happy and sane! You deserve to be the Mama of your own home!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Oh God, I could not stand to live with my MIL for a freakin' hour let alone a month!!! Good God! Lucky for me my husband couldn't either, lol.

In most cases it just doesn't work, having inlaws living with you. Even my mum, as much as hubby and I both love her, we wouldn't necessarily want her living with us. She wouldn't want to either - she sometimes stays overnight with her dogs just for fun (the little person LOVES it), or occasionally for a weekend but she's glad to get back to her own space as well.

That's about all I got for ya OP, I'm cringing at the thought of actually having to live with my MIL...ugh...*shudders*


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