# Hubby not interested in sex at all



## Katie (Jan 17, 2009)

I been married for 14 years and dated my husband long distance for 3 years. We had regular sex activities the first year of marriage but after that it's been little to none. 

My husband is a shy person and come from alcoholic family (both parents) and seems to have attachment problem. He is very caring to my oldest child but not the second one. He pays little attention to me. He is a good person and he does take care a lot of things around the house. The only emotional I see him express is nothing or anger (there seems to be no other emotions in between).

I know he is not cheating on me but cannot figure out what the problem is. He really just not emotional attached to anyone and has no sexual desire what’s so ever. If I demand it he will be kind enough to hug and kiss me but that’s it.

He did filed divorce 10 years ago when I was traveling but we made up afterwards and he has been seeing a counselor ever since. I have tried to initiate sex over the years but he always pushes me away and said he is not interested. I know I have more sex drive than he before we were married but not have any sex is driving me insane and I don't want to cheat on him. 

I need some advice as what I should do? Can he change or should I just file for divorce and move on with my life (I did not want to do this to hurt my kids but I also don't want to be unloved for the rest of my life).


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Not a lot is known about why men go off sex. I have found out a lot about why women go off it, because it's easy to find women who will talk about it, and men who will complain.

I only found a few reasons which I will list for you, but they may well not apply.

He might be very depressed - is he on meds?


Low testosterone

Some men who get sexually rejected by a wife at some point - say after a baby- then get their pride so hurt they can never initiate sex again.

He has some form of ED, and is embarrassed to attempt sex because of the fear of failure.

Some men are very visual and if wifey no longer looks hot enough they lose interest - very superficial, but some men get like this.

Excessive nagging at some point...
Have you actually tried to initiate full sex? have you told him how upset you are?

If you are actually thinking of leaving him anyway, will an ultimatum - (agree to work on it or I go) do any good?

Another problem is that wives that have been denied sex a long time get very very low self esteem - which unfortunately make them less attractive anyway. I have not come across a single case where the wife did not suffer an erosion of self worth, so you need to look at this.

I am not sure my findings for when it's the other way around will help, but it's here.


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## Katie (Jan 17, 2009)

Hi Mark,

Thanks for your input. I do think my husband has very low testosterone. He is not interested in other women.

"Have you actually tried to initiate full sex? have you told him how upset you are?"

I did try to initiate full sex but he thinks I am force him into something and he try to make me into a bad person. I also told him that I am upset but he just said that he is not ready to have sex. 

One common recurring reason about why our relationship is not what it should be is that he blames me for everything. He says I yell at the kids and him too much and he just afraid that I will yell at him. But if you ask the kids, they think daddy is always angry and they are not afraid of mommy.

I think I married someone who is emotionally traumatized by his parent’s alcohol problems and I don't think I am the right person to fix his entire problem. I hate the thought of hurting my children if we do divorce.

You are right that my self esteem have suffered (the good thing is that I did come from very loving family and had very high self esteem to start) but I now realize that it’s not me and I need to do something before I destroy my own happiness. I have hide behind my work and kids for many years so I don’t have to face the issues with my husband. The sad part is that everyone around us thinks we have the perfect life and some of my girlfriends would love to have my life (only if they know what happens behind the closed door).


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Questions:

When did you last have sex or do anything sexual together?

Does he masterbate? If you don't know or think that the answer is no, please ask him.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

I think your husband needs to sort his attitude out first, once he at least starts trying to make the effort then you can meet him half way. Its hard for the male ego not to be able to perfom sexually so then the whole attitude might just be a way of preserving his dignity.

If you talk to him and he does at least want to make the attempt then there are lots of things you can do to make him respond physically. Even if a guy thinks he's not going to be able to perorm with the right coaxing it can work.

Anywho I hope it works out for you.


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## Katie (Jan 17, 2009)

Thanks Sarah and MarkTwain for all your advice. I think my husband does want to stay together and said he is willing to try (as for how often, this is still a question). We tried couple time this month, I initiated it and this is when he gets angry with me.

Before this year, I cannot remember when we had sex last (years). I am not sure about masterbation, I don't think he does (only time he did is when I was going though IVF).

The more I think about my situation, the more I believe this is all about control and whatever his mother did to him when he is young. He thinks I am his mother who is suppose to potect him from ... (his father?).


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

In that case, he should read (and so should you), "mating in captivity" it completely covers that sort of thing. Order a copy today, it will set you both free.

As for him saying he is willing to have sex. Get on with it! The more a sexless person does it, the more used to it they get. You will probably have to initiate, or the months will slip by.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Adult Attachment Disorder (avoident) is one of the major causes of the sexless marriage. Children of alcoholics especially are prone to this and the result is either a conscious or subconscious fear of intimacy. This makes sex very unpleasant and stressful.

Often the person can be aroused by the newness and excitement of a relationship in its early stages and this will mask the intimacy disorder.

But when marriage happens and the couple settles into a long term relationship, the intimacy difficulties caused by the attachment disorder rise to the surface and the sex dwindles down to nothing or suddenly stops altogether. This explains why many marriages start out ok sexually but then suddenly change. Often too, it is the birth of a child that will trigger the symptoms of an attachment disorder.

Often the first sign of trouble is sexual dysfunction. In men trouble getting or keeping an erection and/or trouble ejaculating during intercourse which leads to inhibited sexual desire disorder. In women, the inability to achieve orgasm is common.

It s important to note that very often people just experience these symptoms without knowing what is causing them. Many refused spouses of these people become angry thinking their partner is being selfish or punishing them in some way or worse, they blame themselves for the lack of sexual interest on the part of the refusing spouse. The refuser's anxiety and confusion, guilt and shame causes them to withdraw so explanations are usually not forthcoming adding to the refused partner's distress.

Other attachment disorder symptoms can be anxiety, depression, or "addictions" used to soothe the person's feelings of unease, not only sexually, but in everyday life. So you see people abusing such as drinking, drugs, food, masturbation and/or porn. People who suffer from this are also very often loners, fiercely independent and sometimes suffer from social phobias.

Many men with attachment disorders come to prefer self masturbation and porn use over partner sex because it is less stressful and they perceive it as a more enjoyable experience.

Pharma Drugs taken to fight the depression and anxiety can also kill the libido.

In these cases marital or sex therapy rarely works. The person with the Attachment Disorder needs long term psychotherapy which examines the roots of the problem in childhood and the family of origin.


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## HusbandFatherSonBrother (Feb 7, 2009)

Mr. B, wow... that felt uncomfortable. I thought you were talking directly to me:



Mr B said:


> ...Often the person can be aroused by the newness and excitement of a relationship in its early stages...
> 
> ...and the sex dwindles down to nothing or suddenly stops altogether...
> 
> ...


Thanks... I think... I'll have to do some research and introspection.

There was no alcoholism or other addictions in my family, but I guess there are other causes.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

It is very important that people don't obsess and freak out over symptoms, and ignore the underlying problem. The thing about sex is....what's not to like? Well, the answer is plenty if it makes you feel stressed or uneasy and of course, this is not how most people react. So it is obvious something serious is going on. Find out what, and you can start on the long road back.


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## MrTalkabout (Aug 25, 2010)

Ok, I don’t seek advice, I am happy and comfortable with my life and how things are, but I’m aware of my lack of sexual interest even though I have no erectile problems at all. But I felt I want to contribute, so that people who have similar experiences might explain some of their underlying issues. This probably don’t apply to all men, so I don’t think it should be extrapolated to much. It’s only my story. So here is my story: 
I’m a male with similar experience of the lack of sexual interest in women. But I don’t see it as a problem anymore, for me it’s just me and who I am, and the way I live my life, in the world I’m living in. I’m young and have a good social habits, good career in engineering, good education and all. But none of my friends or girlfriends really see what is deep in side, so they wouldn’t know, perhaps the same way we don’t ever really know what is in other persons mind or understand why they do what they do. 
I had some depression after school which is now solved, I feel relatively relax and happy with my life in general. But the depression related to deep berried gender and social issues relating to modern male and female roles, as I left school gender transformation peaked and counting against me. To me it was a terrifying feeling. It probably didn’t help much to inspire me and didn’t give a good impression about my position as a male or where I stand with females. Uncertainty about what it meant for my future, what modern women would mean to me and perhaps some anxiety about it. 
At some point recently I realized and see half of my male who I had known for many years, even since school who are older than 30, are still single and not bothered either with relationships or even marriage, having sex is not even a issue for them anymore but with no surprise it’s not a issue for me either. 

My testosterone level was taken twice in two months; it measured 25 where it should be 7 – 27, I’m not sure about the units of measurement though. But I know its not low testosterone which is often to blame for this, my erections are perfect and I have no problem, I only have a lack of interest in women, relationships and intimacy. 
I have tried counseling, she only managed to prove that I’m not gay. But she cannot change real world facts, my beliefs, or change what I don’t want to change or feel comfortable to change. 
So I realized its just me and who I am and it’s best to accept myself this way and since then I started feeling better. I stopped feeling like a outlier since people with intimacy issues are common these days amongst men and women. I meat them and hear about them all the time. I just realized to stop idealizing that what people traditionally tried to cast on us, “get married, have kids or else there is some thing wrong with you”. Times and culture have changed. Perhaps what I feel and experiences is perfectly normal for my situation, experiences and environment. So I stopped believing there is something wrong only because I don’t prefer to subject myself to other’s ideals and beliefs.

I developed some insight after reading this article I added below because I felt I could relate with it very well. (I added a copy at the end of my comment.) I felt I could relate well with this phenomena, realizing it’s not just me, but there appears to be a growing trend. Perhaps it comes in different forms as everyone experience things differently. I only experienced this in the last 7 years. During the time I dated couple of women. I often feel the need to be in a relationship, perhaps like anyone else. But whenever I am in a relationship no matter what type of women, I tried all different types and even races, no matter how nice, caring and sexually appealing the woman seems, my sexual needs in a woman seems to decline as I become unsure to whether I’m better of with or without a relationship. I feel some symptoms of anxiety increase during a relationship, but it’s not severe, so I will not call it a disorder, but it’s rather a awareness of a “situations I don’t feel comfortable with” as if it’s not in my best interest. 
No matter how many times she say she loves me, it makes no difference.
This cause my relationships not to last very long, in the order of a few months if that long. Usually she is all in for it. An even though I like her company, sex at times, it’s me who bailout first with a lack of interest and perhaps a touch of anxiety about the future, my role as a male in this modern world, female roles and attitudes towards males, relationships not what it used to be and so on. Or a feeling of no matter how hard she tries, I can never feel good about my role as a man, as if I don’t want that role no more. It appears to discourage me, from relationships in some way affecting my enthusiasm to have sex or any intimacy especially when I’m in the relationship already. To me it’s just another thing I learned about me and life and I live my life baring it in mind. So I agree with the writer of the following article that the lack of sexual interest can be psychosexual and not necessarily physiological. Low testosterone may contribute to this as well, even my doctor explained that the lack of testosterone (excluding andropause) some men may suffer is due to stress, psychological effects like anxiety, depression and post traumatic stress disorder and not necessary anything physically wrong. Sorry for the long post. The article from telegraph.co.uk as follows:

By David Thomas
Published: 12:58PM BST 05 May 2008

Changing sexual roles for men and women could be to blame
Counseling and sex therapy charity Relate says it has seen a 40 per cent increase in men who simply cannot be bothered to make love to their wives and partners. 
The findings are a world away from just ten years ago, when hardly any men contacted them with a loss of libido. The main sufferers who call its helpline with the problem are generally aged between 30 and 50 and are married. 
Peter Bell, Relate’s head of practice, said: “Men used to come to us with impotence – now known as erectile insufficiency – but Viagra has sorted some of that problem. What we have is a lot of men who say, as women did in the 1950s: 'I can have sex but I do not want to. It’s not rewarding’. 
“It is a serious issue. It counts as a psychosexual dysfunction rather than just a relationship problem, because these men haven’t simply gone off their partner but off sex altogether.” 
Changing sexual roles for men and women and increasing rates of depression among men could be some of the reasons behind the change, he added. 
Professor Michael King, of the Royal Free and University College Medical School in London, has completed a study into mental illness across six countries which found that the rate of major depression and panic syndrome was highest among men in the UK. 
“Men are most likely to suffer depression between the ages of 30 and 50,” he said. 
“One of the explanations is that men are less able to talk about their problems than women or express their emotions.”


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

I am female but I still think this is relevant to your situation. I have adult attachment disorder (avoidant type) and this is why (my therapist thinks, and I am inclined to agree) I don't have a sex drive or need/want to have sex ever. Same as MrB said, it can come from either trauma or an unhealthy family environment, such as an alcoholic family, in early life.

If your husband is like me, then in the early stages of your relationship, the sex was good. Those infatuation feelings you get when you first get together with a person, the falling in love, those feelings sort of override the attachment issues and so he would seem quite normal. But once the honeymoon bit ends and you go back to real life, thats when you see the real him. It's to do with intimacy, trust, etc. And the bedroom is the core part of these things, so naturally this disorder causes chaos there. 

If he's similar to me, then he might wonder why it is so important to have intimacy. We set ourselves up to be independent and strong, not relying on anybody, and so similar to our childhood life, we go through life not really knowing or caring about intimacy. I always thought the word "intimacy" was one of those sensitive new age words that just meant sex.. lol. But for me, after reading a lot on the internet (including this site.. very informative) I got a really eye opening view about what intimacy really is, and why it is important. I was a bit shocked that everyone was doing it but me! And I had previously thought the few people i spoke about it with were just co-dependent, which looking back was wrong. I was the odd one out, not them!

So yeah. Treatment for this is psychotherapy. It will take quite a bit of time to be successfully treated for this, because you basically have to alter your core beliefs about life. I'm almost 1 year into therapy and I'm a lot more aware about things than before. It is a very slow process but very much worth it. I'm still not quite sure why people would want intimacy (people tell me it's "nice" but thats about it.. lol). I guess it's slow because you kind of have to change the whole foundation of your belief system.. one you have had all your life. I would highly recommend psychotherapy because not only is it the only way to treat this condition, but it helps you avoid the things that go along with it (such as depression). A lot of people go through life not knowing they even had a problem, until they are in a situation (such as marriage) where it is really obvious.

Just my 2 cents.. do what you will with it.


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## MrTalkabout (Aug 25, 2010)

I wonder how often one person who have a problem in a relationship, blame the other for it. when they don’t do what you or your friends believe it should be. It's only my opinion and some may differ with me. But does he really have any problem? perhaps ask him if he have a problem, because if he feel fine and happy with it, then the chances is good that he doesn’t have a problem at all. Leaving you the only one who having a problem. 

If two people choose a way of life, no matter how wrong, strange or weird it sounds to others, whether it’s normal or not, then its not a problem. Then he doesn’t have a problem and nor does she. If one person choose, believe in something that matters and the other doesn’t. Then it is a problem obviously for the one who is unhappy. We look at two different ways of life or preferences of married life here and not a problem. It’s not cancer, heart disease, so no he will not get ill or die from being like that, it what he feels comfortable with or perhaps not happy with, in that case he have a problem.
It’s a lifestyle choice a person feel comfortable with based on many possible elements that may contribute. If her husband feel happy this way of life, then he don't have a problem so what do you want to cure, solve or treat then? If she feel unhappy with it. then she have a problem its her problem that needs solving and not his. he must solve his problem if he have a problem with it. But even if she have a problem but he doesn't then the relationship have a problem which is often confused with "there is something wrong with him" because he don't do what I or the norm expect. it is normal for people to have personal lifestyle choices that may deviate from the opinion or expectations of others due to their unique experiences and beliefs. 
so the focus is on how will she solve her problem. to solve her problem I believe she need accept it as her problem and solve it accordingly. Maybe to communicate with him, find out how they can adapt their choices in lifestyle to satisfy both. Perhaps there is something she can do to make the idea more appealing for him. Blame it on him, sending him to treatment, calling him the problem might make it worse since he might feel he doesn’t have a problem and he will be right, he doesn’t have problem other than her on his case. 
If you have the problem with your partner, it might seems obvious to just blame them for being who they are, or choose the lifestyle choices they do. But remember it’s your problem to solve and not his, you are the one who is unhappy or who is having a problem, especially if he is comfortable with it. Then he doesn't have any problem. 

So I say it again, put the focus on solving your problem and not his. I know couples who both have sex outside their marriage and both enjoy it. For them there is no problem because both do the "unusual" thing and both are happy and nobody is to be blamed for anything. But if one partner do it, then we are quick to say that: “that person have a problem.” So I think whether that person is wrong or right, it is the other person who have the problem to solve since the other one feel happy living a lifestyle that feels normal to them. 

But if he values the relationship, he should at least hear you out and try to make a effort to make the relationship work for you as well. Perhaps it’s hard to make the changes you would like to see, but trying is a good start. Since I'm sure you will try the extra effort for him as well, if you wouldn’t, then there you go. But remember it's your problem to solve and not his. The fact that he is at fault is only your or some other peoples opinion and not his. So I think it’s best to try and get him to help you solve your problem by talking to him and find out what will make sex, intimacy more attractive or how to gain some common interest that may work for both of you. Perhaps it might require some attention from your side as well. 

Like if a woman don't want sex, it's no use a man blame her and say there is something wrong with her and send her to a psychologist for treatment. It’s her choice what she feels comfortable with. These things are normal, maybe not desirable or ideal, but normal. 

The worst thing I think is to blame him and say “he has a problem”. If he is happy with it then he might respond, "I feel fine, you have a problem". But if he feel worried about it, like he wanted it to be different, then he also have a problem and he may agree by acknowledging the fact that "I don't want to feel this way" . Only then does he have a problem, when it feels like a problem for him. Then he should work on sloving his problem as well. Don’t pressure him to much or else you might become his problem. So focus on solving your problem and not his, the chances are that you need to talk about how to try making it work for both of you. Perhaps put your self in his shoes and ask your self, how would you like your partner to handle it if your partner have that problem with you. Get the “he has a problem”, 
“there is something wrong with him” out of your head if you want to solve this. 

In general “you need to consider yourself part of the problem if you want to have control over the solution” and then there is the: “if you want to solve a problem you created for your self, you need to think on a different mindset than the time you created the problem”

In short, identify the problem you have with the situation and work on that (your problem). That will give you more control on solving it. This will obviously require his help and support as well to make it work, or at least an effort to consider your needs. When I say “you have the problem” I don’t mean there is anything wrong with you either, I just mean it’s your problem to solve and not his. You don’t need him to go to treatment or on medication unless he feels sick. You need him to understand your needs and the do the reasonably the same effort to understand as what you would have done for him. That’s just my opinion.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I think it's all well and good we can put names/labels/diagnoses on these problems. IT then helps you learn to cope and understand more about yourselves and I applaud that.

I think though that sometimes if you discover that what you have is "chronic and incurable" (adult attachment disorder), then I think the conclusion has to become that you should not be called to marriage.

How fair is that to marry someone when you can't even form an attachment to that person? And then just say, "Well, I have AAD. . .can't be helped." I would just say if you want kids then, adopt some, volunteer an orphanage, whatever. If you want security, get roommates ala "Golden Girls", etc.

Just don't get married.

Marriage and you are obviously incompatible, no? Unless perhaps you find another person with AAD, I guess. . .then you both have. . .well. . .some kind of relationship, but not marriage, right?


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## waitingitout (Aug 31, 2010)

My husband, while undiagnosed shows signs of both Adult Attachment disorder, and Madonna/Whr Complex. At this point I resigned to the fact that it's an issue within him and not me - I am a very sexual person, and it seems like I try to initiate sex more often than not. This wears me down after a while- how can it not? I can only take so much neglect- and rejection- I constantly have to remind myself thats it's not my issue , but his.I am very open with him when the subject comes up - open as in I suggest that maybe he has low testosterone, or prehaps some spectrum of Madonna/Whr Complex- to me knowledge is the primary tool to use to discover and "treat" a problem within oneself. How long do I wait ? At this point I think selfishly - I need to be satisfied as well.

He said to me the other day that he feels guilty if I give him a BJ, because he knows Im not getting anything out of it- I would rather do that however, and create some kind of minimal intimacy , than have none at all. 

Saying this, I will say that he does love me - and respects me, and have never mentioned another woman in that way. However- he does believe if he were able to be with someone new his "problem " (lack of passion and dirve) would go away. This sounds juvenile to me- an easy "fix", but not a solution to any long term issue. 

This isnt to say we dont have sex, but when we do its once a month sex- and vanilla at that . On our most recent conversation he said that he dislikes our sex , but is hesitant to try new things for fear of rejection - and that he doesnt want to "treat me like that". Treat me like that!!?? I would love to be wild and have him initiate new things- new anything! I feel like trying something is years better than having nothing at all . I crave the sex I used to have - with him, and before him - passionate sex. I realized I signed up for this before we got married, but didnt ever imagine the extent to which it would go.

Reading previous posts, I wondered why some were so long- lol- but now i know..... What should I do though? I feel as though bringing it up more often as to get his attention would be seen as nagging - and cause him to withdraw further- and at the same time continuing to nudge -offeirng new ideas for the bedroom and sexual favors also gets no result. What should I do?

- waitingitout


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## janedoe2010 (Sep 3, 2010)

i am going to message you...reply if you want to talk...i am experiencing something very similar and don't know what to do...


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## lonelysam (Feb 19, 2010)

I know this is an old thread but it seems that it was written about me. My wife and I have been married for 16 years and have not been sexual in 1.5 years. It started out as problems with ED for me and I have continued to spiral down into depression. I have been in therapy for about a year and with my current therapist for several months. It seems I am ACOA with PTSD and have a son with Asperger's Syndrome. 

I feel that I also have AAD and it is paralyzing.


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