# Midlife crisis … real or an excuse for bad behavior ?



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Wanted to see what everyone’s opinion of midlife crisis is … do you think it something truly uncontrollable to the extent of irrational behavior or is it just a name we call someone who wants to be excused for their bad choices ?
My husband is showing extreme signs of what I feel is midlife crises — questioning life , fearing sickness and death , the need to be active and do things he’s never done , sudden interest in following and conversing with women on social media ( though he says it’s innocent , I know better ) 
I know maybe other people out there have more to add .. I’m just curious whether this is something that fixes itself of is actual therapy needed for people who go through this ?
My husbands changes so much since it started I don’t even recognize this new Person he’s become .
He’s a lot more irritable , anxious and always feeling like he’s missing out … hes never shown to be this type of person in the past I’m just shocked how he seem to changes overnight ..
Anyone experienced or have partners that went through this?

how can I be patient with this ? Am I supposed to ?


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Sounds like a classic midlife crisis to me. But he is definately vulnerable to poor decision making. And if he makes one bad choice, it may lead to more. Things that maybe you won't be able to forgive. I don't advocate waiting it out. Therapy for sure.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

There are some physiological and personal changes and challenges that take place in middle age. 

But that’s not causing your husband to do bad things. 

His bad character is.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Savannah01 said:


> My husbands changes so much since it started I don’t even recognize this new Person he’s become .
> He’s a lot more irritable , anxious and always feeling like he’s missing out … hes never shown to be this type of person in the past I’m just shocked how he seem to changes overnight.


I’m going to try to give a slight benefit of a doubt here. 

If you can truly put your left hand on the Bible and raise your right hand and swear on your mother’s grave that he truly transformed into someone unrecognizable in a truly short period of time and not just a more intense version of what he’s always been, then he may need to see a doctor.

People’s persona and character rarely change significantly suddenly. Things like a brain tumor, endocrine disorder, new onset of diabetes, new drug/alcohol addition, new onset or exasperation of mental illness etc can do that. 

A number of years ago my wife started going off the rails and was becoming irritable and hostile and anxious almost to the point of abusive towards me. She was short and irritable with the kids too but not as bad. This was out of character for her. 

However she herself would be telling me something was wrong and that she didn’t feel like herself. 

One weekend she blew up at me while the kids were at friends and took off and left. 

Later she went to where the kids were and our then 8-9 year old daughter talked her into coming home. 

I had had enough and said if she wanted to be in the house, wanted to be married, wanted 24/7 access to the children, then we either needed to get into MC as a couple or she needed to see someone on her own.

She opted for MC. 

After just one session the MC was suggesting she see a shrink. 

Long story short she ended up seeing several doctors and shrinks and finally got to a female internal med doctor who after a battery of blood and hormonal tests diagnosed her with Premenstrual Dysmorphic Disorder. 

She was basically “stuck” in PMS 24/7 .

The doctor told her that many women have lost their jobs, lost their marriages and some have even ended up in mental facilities or even jail without treatment. 

She did get treated and did ultimately got better. 

But my point here is there are physiological and hormonal things that can make someone go off the rails. But a critical distinction is that it is truly a change of character and persona and not just a greater degree of their previous bad behavior. 

In my wife’s case she was telling me there was something wrong and that she didn’t feel right.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

To me it's an excuse. I used it as an excuse to buy myself a sports car. 

I have no problem with somebody taking stock & decided that they are running out of time to be adventurous. But you can live life to fullest & keep you marital vows. Deciding that life is short is fine & doesn't require therapy. Doing things that are dangerous -- drinking too much, taking extreme risks, etc may have deeper issues that need to be addressed. Putting a foot on the banana peel of infidelity by talking to all these other women may be bad for your marriage so you best figure out if he has one foot out the door.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@Savannah01 do you want your husband to actually start sharing sex with other women?

If you do keep making what he did an issue, it will reach a point. Where he will probably feel he ought to earn his punishment by actually ****ing other women.

Seriously do yourself a favour get a grip, have a sense of proportion, stop hurting yourself and understand that your self esteem comes from within.

And again if being married to him, after what he has done to you isn’t working for you, stop this nonsense and get a divorce.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Savannah01 said:


> I’m just curious whether this is something that fixes itself of is actual therapy needed for people who go through this ?


I'm questioning why you are so focused on your husband rather than yourself. I know the answer. Do you? Or do you even want to?

Honestly, I've seen people on here who have been blind to the reality of their situations - and I've been on here for a long time - but you are going to crack the top five. 

Read Melody Beattie's landmark book, Codependent No More. You are in dire need. Or just keep posting, in perpetuity, about your miserable marriage. Your life. Your choice.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Savannah01 said:


> how can I be patient with this ? Am I supposed to ?


If you are going to be patient with this, then I'd suggest you quit complaining about anything he does. IOW put up or shut up.

Are you supposed to be patient? I dunno ... I'm not you. I assume you can think for yourself, so you can determine your course of action. I'm not married to your husband. I don't know him. But, since you asked, I'd say NO. Not unless he's willing to seriously work on the marriage. Get into weekly serious counseling. Tell him you want him in MC. He won't go? Well, there ya go ... that should be your answer.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I can't speak for all guys out there, but between my own experience and what I have seen, there does seem to be some consistencies....

Guy gets married....woman (and in a lot of cases her meddling family) basically chooses_ everything_...the house, the neighborhood, when and how many kids to have, where to vacation, what car to drive, ...blah, blah...Once kids are here, then it's all about them and her...How stressed out she is, what about the kids?, etc...

He just keeps heading out the door every morning, burnt out by the shytty job he can't stand, but now has no choice but keep pounding the rock, because the overhead is enormous, and the kids treat him as nothing more than a walking ATM,,,,all while his once cute and petite wife is now pushing 190 and ,maybe things in the bedroom are about as fun and exciting as an IRS audit..

They look at themselves in the mirror, unappreciated, burnt out and tired and just feeling left out of life...Like their sole existence was to be a donkey and a sperm donor...Some decide to go out and buy a hot rod, some decide to bend an elbow at the local pub.......and others get in shape and start getting noticed and hit on by other women...then it all goes off the rails....

Some of it even may have to do with a pre programmed genetic behavior that is inherent in all of us for propagation and diversity of the species...

Anyway, this may or may not have anything to do with the OP's situation...I suggest that maybe take an honest look at what the dynamic has been for the last several years and see if the puzzle pieces fit...None of it is justification for bad behavior or infidelity, but people often don't see that what is happening with someone close to them may be directly due to the circumstances...Guys are often not vocal and don't want to have these uncomfortable discussions...but its there....festering.....


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I have read countless posts over the years in various places where bad behaviour was blamed on a mid life crisis. Often it would be spouses blaming this for all sorts of bad and cheating behaviour from their husband or wife. The weird thing is that these spouses, aged from early 30's up to late 50's,were clearly not all in a midlife crisis. I think people look for something to blame either theirs or their spouse bad behaviour on when more often than not it just IS bad behaviour.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Savannah01 said:


> Wanted to see what everyone’s opinion of midlife crisis is … do you think it something truly uncontrollable to the extent of irrational behavior or is it just a name we call someone who wants to be excused for their bad choices ?
> My husband is showing extreme signs of what I feel is midlife crises — questioning life , fearing sickness and death , the need to be active and do things he’s never done , sudden interest in following and conversing with women on social media ( though he says it’s innocent , I know better )
> I know maybe other people out there have more to add .. I’m just curious whether this is something that fixes itself of is actual therapy needed for people who go through this ?
> My husbands changes so much since it started I don’t even recognize this new Person he’s become .
> ...


Yep, my WH “midlife crisis” resulted in nuclear detonation of our family. But I should have tapped out when he started treating us as the enemy to begin with. I wish I hadn’t waited to see the depths he’d sink to give him an ultimatum and leave.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

We are essentially, electro-chemical beings.

We are fragile.

OP, your husband may be suffering from depression.

I am a firm believer in mid-life crises's.

Not everyone suffers through them but most do to a degree.

The late thirties and early forties are when people seem to seek change.

If you are not where you wish to be at this time, some want to break free and start anew.
....................................................................

As an Astrologer I _normally_ can see the causes.

Usually Uranus is involved (need for change), also Saturn (sadness, depression).

If either of these planets afflict other sensitive spots in your birth chart, then their natural orbital movement will bring them to newer disturbing aspects.

Saturn usually strikes every 7 years, or so.

Uranus in the early 20's, then the mid 30's into the forties., hence midlife.



_King Brian-_


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

It’s a fancy name for crap behavior - ask your husband if he wants to be divorced. If he says yes - then divorce him.
If he says no - then tell him he better not be acting that way for one more second or he will be divorced!
Seriously, put your foot down. He’s acting childish and pretending to be single. That disrespectful to you and the marriage.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> It’s a fancy name for crap behavior - ask your husband if he wants to be divorced. If he says yes - then divorce him.
> If he says no - then tell him he better not be acting that way for one more second or he will be divorced!
> Seriously, put your foot down. He’s acting childish and pretending to be single. That disrespectful to you and the marriage.


If I had to redo it… my ultimatum would sound like that. 👍


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

D0nnivain said:


> To me it's an excuse. I used it as an excuse to buy myself a sports car.
> 
> I have no problem with somebody taking stock & decided that they are running out of time to be adventurous. But *you can live life to fullest & keep you marital vows*. Deciding that life is short is fine & doesn't require therapy. Doing things that are dangerous -- drinking too much, taking extreme risks, etc may have deeper issues that need to be addressed. Putting a foot on the banana peel of infidelity by talking to all these other women may be bad for your marriage so you best figure out if he has one foot out the door.


This ^^

I get the feeling that there is a lot more to this story though, from some of the responding comments, which makes it hard to know what to advise.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

frusdil said:


> I get the feeling that there is a lot more to this story though,


Generally speaking,IMO/E guys just don't do this if they are satisfied with their wives and their lives...Nothing has to be perfect, because life rarely is, but sometimes people just dont realize what's going on to lead him to that point...


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Hi. I have read through all of your posts for some background. I feel there needs to be some stick and carrot here ( in that order on purpose)

Can I start by saying I think you are being far too nice and I think you have to become more assertive in your relationship. I think YOU have to give him a proverbial wake up slap, tell him you are not putting up with these mood changes that has made him a man that you don’t actually really like anymore, that you are setting boundaries and give him the choice to live by them or sling his hook. 

The carrot is recognising he is going through changes and wants more out of life. I would discuss what you both want out of this different stage in your lives and then agree how you can achieve this together.

Life does change after you reach a certain age. You do become aware of your own mentality, how your life has turned out compared to how it actually has, and what you want to do with the years you have left on this earth. The trick is doing it. Many talk about doing things but don’t follow through. Change is difficult and scary. However, this does not excuse him behaving like a complete and utter tw*t and you should be challenging this.

Why do I feel entitled to give the above advice? Well, I was your husband a few years ago, minus the creepy stuff with other women but definitely with the grumpy moods and general disatisfaction with life. My wife did precisely what I described above and got me out of it.

She also made me think about why aren’t we doing what we want to do and that changed as well. Life has been exciting for many years now and people comment on how we always seem to be out and about. Doesn’t have to cost money, a lot of what we do is free. It is about an attitude of mind.

Good luck.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> Generally speaking,IMO/E guys just don't do this if they are satisfied with their wives and their lives...Nothing has to be perfect, because life rarely is, but sometimes people just dont realize what's going on to lead him to that point...


Understand what you mean but does it mean every dissatisfied man can give midlife excuses as a justified reason for their behavior?


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Harold Demure said:


> Hi. I have read through all of your posts for some background. I feel there needs to be some stick and carrot here ( in that order on purpose)
> 
> Can I start by saying I think you are being far too nice and I think you have to become more assertive in your relationship. I think YOU have to give him a proverbial wake up slap, tell him you are not putting up with these mood changes that has made him a man that you don’t actually really like anymore, that you are setting boundaries and give him the choice to live by them or sling his hook.
> 
> ...


Understand you completely and yes I do certainly challenge his attitude myself — for the record I just don’t include details here to cut it short … I’ve confronted him about it , trust me .
I get a lot of comments about being a doormat here are it’s not like I don’t do anything , I’m generally writing about my worries and issues with him , I just skip the things I do behind the scenes . 
it doesn’t mean I have not done them. 
im just trying to make sense of the issue , I am dealing with them head on .
I realize I probably should have written that part in but I’m trying to save readers for a lengthy read on my issue.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

From my perspective, looking back on it....
Yes, it is real.
No, it is not an excuse for bad behavior. That is fostered by selfishness and a lack of self-control.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> If you are going to be patient with this, then I'd suggest you quit complaining about anything he does. IOW put up or shut up.
> 
> Are you supposed to be patient? I dunno ... I'm not you. I assume you can think for yourself, so you can determine your course of action. I'm not married to your husband. I don't know him. But, since you asked, I'd say NO. Not unless he's willing to seriously work on the marriage. Get into weekly serious counseling. Tell him you want him in MC. He won't go? Well, there ya go ... that should be your answer.


I understand what you mean , I’m not asking people to solve my problem just seeking insights of sorts . At the end of the day I will still be the one deciding of course .
I thought the forum was to seek various takes from different people . Not seeking the exact answer to all my issues .. merely getting opinions to clear thinking and see where everyone’s is on the subject .


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> I'm questioning why you are so focused on your husband rather than yourself. I know the answer. Do you? Or do you even want to?
> 
> Honestly, I've seen people on here who have been blind to the reality of their situations - and I've been on here for a long time - but you are going to crack the top five.
> 
> Read Melody Beattie's landmark book, Codependent No More. You are in dire need. Or just keep posting, in perpetuity, about your miserable marriage. Your life. Your choice.


Honestly I am posing for me or clarification of things, at the end of the day I am confronting my situation personally it might not seem that I am because I don’t post it here. However, trust me when I say that I deal with these issues head on
I don’t post what I do here and you guys don’t read it because I don’t want it to be about what I’m doing I already know what I’m doing behind closed doors I am merely asking for opinions about the issue just to clarify because it seems that there’s a misunderstanding about why I am posting questions about my husband.
Forgive me but I thought that this form is supposed to give insights about certain topics and that’s exactly what I am doing I’m just asking for everyone’s take on an issue whether or not people have gone through it personally or not.
I already know what I’m supposed to do on a personal level I just do not choose to post that lengthy explanation because there’s so many layers to what I am doing.
As I said I am merely posting to get opinions not necessarily the exact answer it’s kind of like just asking a friend there take on a situation it is not meant to be seeking for exact advice because I don’t know what to do. Personally yes I do know what I have to do that works for me and if it did not come out that way then I do apologize but Simply and honestly I am just seeking various text on the subject


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

hamadryad said:


> I can't speak for all guys out there, but between my own experience and what I have seen, there does seem to be some consistencies....
> 
> Guy gets married....woman (and in a lot of cases her meddling family) basically chooses_ everything_...the house, the neighborhood, when and how many kids to have, where to vacation, what car to drive, ...blah, blah...Once kids are here, then it's all about them and her...How stressed out she is, what about the kids?, etc...
> 
> ...


WOW !

Well thought out, well written, an angry (bitter?) man lashes out.

I am sure there is a real-world feminine version of this _MOAB_.
Maybe _Lilith _can write one!



_The Typist-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Savannah01 said:


> I understand what you mean , I’m not asking people to solve my problem just seeking insights of sorts . At the end of the day I will still be the one deciding of course .
> I thought the forum was to seek various takes from different people . Not seeking the exact answer to all my issues .. *merely getting opinions to clear thinking and see where everyone’s is on the subject .*


Yes, you will get that knowing bread, with the edges burned and charred, the center, wet from frustrated tears.



_King Brian-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Savannah01 said:


> Understand what you mean but does it mean every dissatisfied man can give midlife excuses as a _justified reason_ for their behavior?


Justified?

The marital justice delivered is rarely what one sought, let alone, enjoyed of.

In marital court, the emotional barrister is the tort defender.

Denying another person's feelings do not make them disappear.

Is this fair and equitable justice?

No, life is rarely fair.

To say that your husbands feelings are not justified is pointless.
To him, they are.

Feelings are not required to be rational.

With that in mind, what action should you take?

_Stay, or leave _the marriage are your choices.

Ask him what he recommends. 

If his response is to remain married, but, is weakly stated, that should tell you it is time to dissolve the union

Life is short, waste it not on a man who is incompatible in such serious ways.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> I can't speak for all guys out there, but between my own experience and what I have seen, there does seem to be some consistencies....
> 
> Guy gets married....woman (and in a lot of cases her meddling family) basically chooses_ everything_...the house, the neighborhood, when and how many kids to have, where to vacation, what car to drive, ...blah, blah...Once kids are here, then it's all about them and her...How stressed out she is, what about the kids?, etc...
> 
> ...


Can’t agree more .
It is really confusing why certain men do this in their lifetime— I mean everyone gets to that point I’m sure where you’re unhappy or sick of things , daily life etc 
However it does not constitute for rocking your whole life with drastic changes 
But I suppose they want to feel alive and major changes does that 
I understand it completely , Although I don’t understand that when he goes way too far and the other partner is hurt , It makes for an even troubling circumstance


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Savannah01 said:


> Can’t agree more .
> It is really confusing why certain men do this in their lifetime— I mean everyone gets to that point I’m sure where you’re unhappy or sick of things , daily life etc
> However it does not constitute for rocking your whole life with drastic changes
> But I suppose they want to feel alive and major changes does that
> I understand it completely , Although I don’t understand that when he goes way too far and the other partner is hurt , It makes for an even troubling circumstance


Women do it too. I think it’s reasonable to search for meaning at certain times in life, faced with our mortality and aging in midlife can be a rude awakening. But what matters is how it is dealt with… reverting back to being a teenager complete with the angst, mood swings and risk taking behavior is simply unacceptable for anyone who’s built and responsible for a family.


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## BenWylder (Aug 2, 2021)

I


Savannah01 said:


> Wanted to see what everyone’s opinion of midlife crisis is … do you think it something truly uncontrollable to the extent of irrational behavior or is it just a name we call someone who wants to be excused for their bad choices ?
> My husband is showing extreme signs of what I feel is midlife crises — questioning life , fearing sickness and death , the need to be active and do things he’s never done , sudden interest in following and conversing with women on social media ( though he says it’s innocent , I know better )
> I know maybe other people out there have more to add .. I’m just curious whether this is something that fixes itself of is actual therapy needed for people who go through this ?
> My husbands changes so much since it started I don’t even recognize this new Person he’s become .
> ...


 I do believe a midlife crises is a real thing but it isn't an excuse to behave badly. He is still responsible for his actions and still has a responsibility to you to honor his marriage vows. At the same time you might want to be involved in some of these new adventures with him, you never know, you might find more activities that you can enjoy together. It's normal as we get older to question life's purpose or become more concerned with your health or to think about death. Some people however as they get older tend to obsess about dying and become hypochondriacs and that's not a good thing. Hopefully this will be a short lived phase but in the meantime you might consider stepping out of your comfort zone and involving yourself in his new adventures as much as possible. If it continues for a long time then you might ask him to see a marriage counselor. This is just my opinion and I am in no way an expert, I have been happily married for 27 years.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm not in the mood to debate, so I'll be brief. This is just another iteration of trying to figure out your husband. You are posting here, not him. I'm going to address you, not him. If he wants to post his version of things, great. Then I'll address him. I stand by my POV that you are focused on trying to figure out your husband. Sure, people can give you their theories, but YOU live with the man.

I always say if you don't like the answers, don't ask the questions. 

It seems your husband isn't all-in when it comes to investing time and energy in his marriage. Call it a midlife crisis, call it his wandering eye, call it him behaving like a jerk. Whatever it is, you keep circling the wagons about basically the same issue.

Good luck.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Savannah01 said:


> Wanted to see what everyone’s opinion of midlife crisis is … do you think it something truly uncontrollable to the extent of irrational behavior or is it just a name we call someone who wants to be excused for their bad choices ?
> My husband is showing extreme signs of what I feel is midlife crises — questioning life , fearing sickness and death , the need to be active and do things he’s never done , sudden interest in following and conversing with women on social media ( though he says it’s innocent , I know better )
> I know maybe other people out there have more to add .. I’m just curious whether this is something that fixes itself of is actual therapy needed for people who go through this ?
> My husbands changes so much since it started I don’t even recognize this new Person he’s become .
> ...


I think it's an excuse for being a coward and behaving badly.

I get that someone might question their accomplishments or lack thereof, or all the things they didn't do, but I hardly think that's a good enough excuse to drag someone else through hell with them.

Maybe this is where life weeds the weak from the strong. I thought my exH was having a midlife crisis b/c he was behaving oddly and saying things like "I'm a loser" etc b/c he wasn't where he thought he'd be. I tried to be supportive, give him space and encourage him to think about what he could do to get him where he wanted to be in life.

Instead, he went to our MC and complained about _me_! Also, I found out later that his ****ty behavior and short temper was due to an affair with a teenage subordinate and everything he described his boss doing with scorn was what he'd been doing. He also turned out to be an alcoholic (driving and working drunk!), racked up loads of credit card debt and God knows what else. 

Mind you, I asked him several times if he wanted out of our marriage, and he begged me to stay every time. Some people are cowards, they can't/won't take responsibility for their situation, actions, or make the changes they should then act out like idiots as if _that_ would make anything better. I honestly don't understand it, b/c I'm the same age, so why didn't I act like a fool?

It's up to you to determine why you should be patient. Is there anything worth saving at this point? Do you love and respect your husband as he is now? He's going to do whatever he wants and there's absolutely nothing you can do besides be a volunteer spectator to a ****show if he crashes and burns.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Savannah01 said:


> Understand what you mean but does it mean every dissatisfied man can give midlife excuses as a justified reason for their behavior?


No, they can't.

I believe that midlife crisis is a thing - I'm very aware at the moment that I've lived more than half my life, and I'm wondering where the hell all the years went lol, and lots of reflecting etc. But would I go out and cheat? NO.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Hi Savannah.

Having read your last few posts, providing solutions based on our experiences is kind of what we do on here and we take our lead from details posted by the person starting the thread

Hope you get the advice you want but obviously, his inter-actions with other women are totally inappropriate and he should be extremely apologetic.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

QuietRiot said:


> Women do it too. I think it’s reasonable to search for meaning at certain times in life, faced with our mortality and aging in midlife can be a rude awakening. But what matters is how it is dealt with… reverting back to being a teenager complete with the angst, mood swings and risk taking behavior is simply unacceptable for anyone who’s built and responsible for a family.


Perhaps he just wants to feel noticed? That people care about his issues and feelings on his level, instead of telling him how he’s wrong? “Do I matter here?” With the emphasis on “here.” Is there someplace else I might matter more?

I don’t think it’s a male thing. It’s a people thing, and sometimes we push people away by pretending it’s their issue alone.

“I think I feel a bit that way sometimes myself. But it’s hitting you a lot harder. What can I do to help?”

Sometimes we even know exactly what the other person needs to hear, but we resist, maybe because it’s all about them, not me. We lose track of what it is to help each other step through life on an emotional level. We cook, we take care of the kids, we bring home most of the income. It’s all about the me.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

hamadryad said:


> a pre programmed genetic behavior that is inherent in all of us for propagation and diversity of the species...





Casual Observer said:


> I don’t think it’s a male thing. It’s a people thing


Yes.....and yes.....

Macrocosmically, the "parable of the wheat and tares" Matthew 13:24-30.
Microcosmically, "mid-life crisis" is the beginning of the "harvest".



Casual Observer said:


> It’s all about the me.


....and, yes.... selfish me = tares.....unselfish me = wheat

The test is not for the teacher, rather for the student.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> I think it's an excuse for being a coward and behaving badly.
> 
> I get that someone might question their accomplishments or lack thereof, or all the things they didn't do, but I hardly think that's a good enough excuse to drag someone else through hell with them.
> 
> ...


So far he is actually making progress in trying to make this work … in his own way.
I suppose he isn’t the type of man that drops to his knees apologizing for his mistakes , but he is trying by now spending more time with me . Which he stoped doing the past year .
I’m watching and observing — time will tell. For me , I want to see the truth and sincerity in this . I can attempt to meet him halfway if there is signs of change


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Savannah01 said:


> So far he is actually making progress in trying to make this work … in his own way.
> I suppose he isn’t the type of man that drops to his knees apologizing for his mistakes , but he is trying by now spending more time with me . Which he stoped doing the past year .
> I’m watching and observing — time will tell. For me , I want to see the truth and sincerity in this . I can attempt to meet him halfway if there is signs of change


Has he gone to therapy? 

Hopefully those changes are consistent and he doesn't start strong and peter off.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Savannah01 said:


> So far he is actually making progress in trying to make this work … in his own way.
> I suppose he isn’t the type of man that drops to his knees apologizing for his mistakes , but he is trying by now spending more time with me . Which he stoped doing the past year .
> I’m watching and observing — time will tell. For me , I want to see the truth and sincerity in this . I can attempt to meet him halfway if there is signs of change



My hope for you is that he has had a wake up call, and change of heart, rather than just trying to placate you so he can do what he wants. Or worse, trying to hide his real intentions. 

The thing that struck me about your story was the other women he started seeking out. Seeking an affair takes a good deal of mental gymnastics; to convince oneself that they are entitled to a side piece. That thinking doesn’t just “go away” in my experience.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

midlife crises are very real.
but "uncontrollable?"
i think people get bored, and one day you wake up and wonder what might have been.

so let him buy a nice red sports car, let him buy a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle, let him splurge on a box of cuban cigars. have him do some new extravagant thing, and let it work its way out of his system


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

BTW does he work out at a gym? working out and getting buff might end the whole thing too!


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> Has he gone to therapy?
> 
> Hopefully those changes are consistent and he doesn't start strong and peter off.


Unfortunately he’s not a therapy type of person … we have tried years ago and he didn’t like the fact that our old therapist brought out his faults — he’s not the kind of person who takes their own faults well
He is showing signs of some changes , he’s more attentive and talks to me more about everything and just being more open .
He claims he’s done with all that social media stuff … but you know I’m still on guard 
I have no real proof of anything else , so I can’t exactly say anything now . 
mom watching …. CAREFULLY


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> My hope for you is that he has had a wake up call, and change of heart, rather than just trying to placate you so he can do what he wants. Or worse, trying to hide his real intentions.
> 
> The thing that struck me about your story was the other women he started seeking out. Seeking an affair takes a good deal of mental gymnastics; to convince oneself that they are entitled to a side piece. That thinking doesn’t just “go away” in my experience.


Yes , thanks. I too hope that .
I’m not letting myself get caught off guard again , I am watching like a hawk and as much I hate being that kind of woman to be peering at everything , I think I need to 
We talked recently and he claims he is done with all that . Supposedly his reason for “ seeking” was because I didn’t give him the attention 
Sometimes I wonder why does it seem like the women always need to jump through hoops to maintain their mana attention.. yet no one puts pressure on men needing to keep with what women want .. 
classic I suppose that it’s the way it is .
I just don’t see that as fair trade in a relationship when somebody do all the up keep , or expected to in order to maintain the relationship in tact .
It’s like if we veered different then we get chastised because we didn’t do what our husbands expected of us 

seems to me women have the short end of the stick , and if we pushed on our beliefs we are labeled as too strong or offensive to men

Go figure …” Stepford wife “mentality still prevails in many world today


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Savannah01 said:


> Unfortunately he’s not a therapy type of person … we have tried years ago and he didn’t like the fact that our old therapist brought out his faults — he’s not the kind of person who takes their own faults well
> He is showing signs of some changes , he’s more attentive and talks to me more about everything and just being more open .
> He claims he’s done with all that social media stuff … but you know I’m still on guard
> I have no real proof of anything else , so I can’t exactly say anything now .
> mom watching …. CAREFULLY


Ohh, that's a tricky one. He doesn't like to face uncomfortable truths about himself = less likely to make any real changes. 



Savannah01 said:


> Yes , thanks. I too hope that .
> I’m not letting myself get caught off guard again , I am watching like a hawk and as much I hate being that kind of woman to be peering at everything , I think I need to
> We talked recently and he claims he is done with all that . Supposedly his reason for “ seeking” was because I didn’t give him the attention
> Sometimes I wonder why does it seem like the women always need to jump through hoops to maintain their mana attention.. yet no one puts pressure on men needing to keep with what women want ..
> ...


Ugh, I was in this position for a while, it SUCKED. Eventually, I got fed up of snooping and resented that I had to, it made me depressed and he went back to his shenanigans and then some. 

It's not about how much attention you give him unless you are truly neglecting him, of course. He's a black hole of need sucking up validation from everyone he can. He's broken, he doesn't want help to fix it (therapy). How's his DIY worked thus far?

You don't have to do anything you don't want to, this is your choice. Some men aren't worth this kind of effort, it's up to you to decide if he is. From where I sitting, the juice ain't worth the squeeze.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Savannah01 said:


> Wanted to see what everyone’s opinion of midlife crisis is … do you think it something truly uncontrollable to the extent of irrational behavior or is it just a name we call someone who wants to be excused for their bad choices ?
> My husband is showing extreme signs of what I feel is midlife crises — questioning life , fearing sickness and death , the need to be active and do things he’s never done , sudden interest in following and conversing with women on social media ( though he says it’s innocent , I know better )
> I know maybe other people out there have more to add .. I’m just curious whether this is something that fixes itself of is actual therapy needed for people who go through this ?
> My husbands changes so much since it started I don’t even recognize this new Person he’s become .
> ...


There is no such thing. Usually it's just the point where kids have grown up and suddenly you have this lack of responsibility coupled with the means to achieve it.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Savannah01 said:


> Sometimes I wonder why does it seem like the women always need to jump through hoops to maintain their mana attention.. yet no one puts pressure on men needing to keep with what women want ..


what? Marriage, kids, valentines day, that ever elusive Anniversary... Mothers day is sacred festival like event and fathers day is give dad a donut and shirt day. I just discovered there is actually a daughter's day just a month ago. WTF?

I don't think your husband is having a midlife crisis. I think he feels like he's been released from prison after 20 years of hard labor and doesn't know what to do with himself. But maybe that's what we mean when we talk about a midlife crisis.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> Wanted to see what everyone’s opinion of midlife crisis is … do you think it something truly uncontrollable to the extent of irrational behavior or is it just a name we call someone who wants to be excused for their bad choices ?
> My husband is showing extreme signs of what I feel is midlife crises — questioning life , fearing sickness and death , the need to be active and do things he’s never done , sudden interest in following and conversing with women on social media ( though he says it’s innocent , I know better )
> I know maybe other people out there have more to add .. I’m just curious whether this is something that fixes itself of is actual therapy needed for people who go through this ?
> My husbands changes so much since it started I don’t even recognize this new Person he’s become .
> ...


It sounds like the male equivalent of the seven year itch.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> what? Marriage, kids, valentines day, that ever elusive Anniversary... Mothers day is sacred festival like event and fathers day is give dad a donut and shirt day. I just discovered there is actually a daughter's day just a month ago. WTF?
> 
> I don't think your husband is having a midlife crisis. I think he feels like he's been released from prison after 20 years of hard labor and doesn't know what to do with himself. But maybe that's what we mean when we talk about a midlife crisis.


But you know women feel the same too , yet many of us don’t just turn to off character behavior just because we’ve had 20 years of making dinner and van pooling children
Whats the difference ? Am I missing something ??


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> It sounds like the male equivalent of the seven year itch.


We’ve been married 26 years should he be over this by now ??


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> We’ve been married 26 years should he be over this by now ??


Men have a longer capability of doing youthful things than women do. 
He's probably coming to realize that he doesn't have much time for any youthful activities and is tempted to try to act young, before he has to hang it up for good. 

A committed male will do something like rock-climbing or some other young-type activity while he is able to. Maybe you can help him by finding things to do that physically tests him, without him getting a heart attack while trying to compete with 25 year olds.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Savannah01 said:


> We’ve been married 26 years should he be over this by now ??


the length of time does not matter. 
it is looking back at one's life, and wondering if that is all there is to life!


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> Men have a longer capability of doing youthful things than women do.
> He's probably coming to realize that he doesn't have much time for any youthful activities and is tempted to try to act young, before he has to hang it up for good.
> 
> A committed male will do something like rock-climbing or some other young-type activity while he is able to. Maybe you can help him by finding things to do that physically tests him, without him getting a heart attack while trying to compete with 25 year olds.


He is very active 48 year old . He snowboards with our 20 year old son and camps , hikes and does try to do a lot of outdoor activities 
I do however see his uncomfortable look whenever talks of getting old and aging come about , I think he is petrified but won’t admit so 
In his mind I think he wants to remain in a young state and feels he needs to keep that up


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> the length of time does not matter.
> it is looking back at one's life, and wondering if that is all there is to life!


Yes he is wondering that .
I’m just baffled I guess because I too have questions about my own existence but I have this responsibility as a mother , wife , at work and everything I need to on the daily … I don’t just stop and drop everything to run amock doing fun things … sure it sounds wonderful — is it realistic ?? No !
Do I have time to run amock as he does , forfeiting his responsibilities? I guess I’m thinking about everyone else and their needs other than mine ? 
maybe that’s sometimes the difference between men and women and how they go about life … not all , some !


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes he is wondering that .
> I’m just baffled I guess because I too have questions about my own existence but I have this responsibility as a mother , wife , at work and everything I need to on the daily … I don’t just stop and drop everything to run amock doing fun things … sure it sounds wonderful — is it realistic ?? No !
> Do I have time to run amock as he does , forfeiting his responsibilities? I guess I’m thinking about everyone else and their needs other than mine ?
> maybe that’s sometimes the difference between men and women and how they go about life … not all , some !


One thing worth mentioning when this issue of reflecting and men vs women...

I don't know if its true for your H, but once I hit mid 40's an alarming number of guys i knew started dropping(dying)...>Seemed like it's been once a month, guys in their 50's dying off of strokes and heart attacks, etc,,,,I don't think women see that same type of attrition, nor are they as cognizant of it, not in my experience anyway....

Is this at all a possibility? I can tell you that no single event in someone's life at this age will have more of an effect of taking a hard look at what you are doing and where you are going, more than people you know passing on....


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> One thing worth mentioning when this issue of reflecting and men vs women...
> 
> I don't know if its true for your H, but once I hit mid 40's an alarming number of guys i knew started dropping(dying)...>Seemed like it's been once a month, guys in their 50's dying off of strokes and heart attacks, etc,,,,I don't think women see that same type of attrition, nor are they as cognizant of it, not in my experience anyway....
> 
> Is this at all a possibility? I can tell you that no single event in someone's life at this age will have more of an effect of taking a hard look at what you are doing and where you are going, more than people you know passing on....


Yes that could be true . Recently he’s opted eating healthier even though I’ve spent 20 years trying to convince him of this but he never budges . He spoke to a co worker who became ill and now starting to eat better and take vitamins 
So i don’t know if hearing or seeing that in others triggers it but he never listened to me about all of it even as I tried many years ago
So yes I think he is definitely more cognizant of his mortality now which leads me to believe why now he is in this mode of trying things he’s never done before , getting into odd hobbies he’s never been interested in. Wanting to hang out with younger friends … you name it 
I see how mortality can be scary but aren’t we all in the same boat ??


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If he blamed you for not paying enough attention to him and started looking elsewhere for attention - THAT is HIS problem!
He made it your problem - and that is the problem!
HE is responsible for his behavior and he behaved horribly.
Him blaming you makes it even more horrible! How dare he? 
tell your man child to grow up!


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

hamadryad said:


> One thing worth mentioning when this issue of reflecting and men vs women...
> 
> I don't know if its true for your H, but once I hit mid 40's an alarming number of guys i knew started dropping(dying)...>Seemed like it's been once a month, guys in their 50's dying off of strokes and heart attacks, etc,,,,I don't think women see that same type of attrition, nor are they as cognizant of it, not in my experience anyway....
> 
> Is this at all a possibility? I can tell you that no single event in someone's life at this age will have more of an effect of taking a hard look at what you are doing and where you are going, more than people you know passing on....


Can confirm. When I get together with my high school friends now, the first thing we generally talk about is who from our classes has died since the last time we were together a few months ago. This weekend there's a "celebration of life" for someone that was on the wrestling team with me in high school. I just turned 44.


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

Mid life crisis is real, I had it since I was 35 … LOL

do be patient with him, he will learn how to live with it.

oh yeah, just have him buy a Porsche. That will cure it quickly. 🤣


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

DLC said:


> Mid life crisis is real, I had it since I was 35 … LOL
> 
> do be patient with him, he will learn how to live with it.
> 
> oh yeah, just have him buy a Porsche. That will cure it quickly. 🤣


That’s what I said , why couldn’t he just buy a sports car ??? It’s far less complicated to deal with ! 😂


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> That’s what I said , why couldn’t he just buy a sports car ??? It’s far less complicated to deal with ! 😂


I missed the days when men just bottle it up, drink a beer and call it a day.

Now men are all sensitive with the oh-I-am-depressed-because-I-am-old.

I blame women for that because they advistertise they want men to be sensitive, and then complain about men are soft and complains too much about their lives. 🤣


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

DLC said:


> I missed the days when men just bottle it up, drink a beer and call it a day.
> 
> Now men are all sensitive with the oh-I-am-depressed-because-I-am-old.
> 
> I blame women for that because they advistertise they want men to be sensitive, and then complain about men are soft and complains too much about their lives. 🤣


Well I think women asked for sensitivity yes but usually we just get man child attitudes and whining about getting old .. news flash — WE ARE ALL GETTING OLD , it’s certainly no reason to run amock like we’ve all lost our senses trying to re coop the last twenty years of our lives in a single season , doesn’t work like that —- is that not apparent ?? .. just a thought !


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

I entered midlife crisis few years ago and still in it. I started looking back in my life and realized mistakes I made, things I wanted but did not get and will never get them.

It is rather sad.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Savannah01 said:


> Well I think women asked for sensitivity yes but usually we just get man child attitudes and whining about getting old .. news flash — WE ARE ALL GETTING OLD , *it’s certainly no reason to run amock like we’ve all lost our senses trying to re coop the last twenty years of our lives in a single season , doesn’t work like that —- is that not apparent ?? .. just a thought !*


I gotta say, though....

Of course, putting aside the issue of flirting with women, or whatever you think he's doing...But outside of that , what do you care what he does? Why does he have to follow your script of life when it comes to "getting old".??

You don't get married to have someone control the direction of your life...What you consider "running amok" could be just him trying to have some fun or whatever....Maybe these are things he missed out on or had been thinking about and just didn't have the time or resources to do it...So what?

My advice is live your life the way you want and get old the way you want...Put your slippers and robe on and watch TV or whatever floats your boat and let him do what he wants...If he's not hurting anyone or effing around with other women, then it's really not your place to judge him for it....02..


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I entered midlife crisis few years ago and still in it. I started looking back in my life and realized mistakes I made, things I wanted but did not get and will never get them.
> 
> It is rather sad.


Sorry to hear that , but. I believe we all get to that point , such is a life we’ve lived and realizing what we didn’t get … I understand that to an extent but when coupled with bad behavior, it doesn’t really work that way


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> I gotta say, though....
> 
> Of course, putting aside the issue of flirting with women, or whatever you think he's doing...But outside of that , what do you care what he does? Why does he have to follow your script of life when it comes to "getting old".??
> 
> ...


Yes I agree with that 100% ! All the issues about the flirting on social media aside , I’ve never stopped him from living the life he sees fit … he does out with friends , does whatever he pleases , I really do not control his daily plans in life at all . 
My issue is strictly held on the flirting aspect of this — it’s one thing to “ have fun” and even like and look at women on social media all day long , but to purposely approach a stranger via messaging is another ball game. !
This i can’t chuck as “ living life” … he can do that if he isnt married to me .. while he is you bet I have a say to that !


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