# Desperate for advice



## Mmdog60

Boy first time on here can anyone help...ugh. Married for 15 years to my princess. In 2009 she left me for a man 12 years our junior. After a year of moping around I found a wonderful girl and sort of moved on. My wife at some point...August 2012 decided she wanted me back. All the while she has asked me back she has kept the boy friend in her life. I have rebuked her overtures to reconcile. Recently she dumped her boyfriend but basically she dated him for 4 years. I've dated my girlfriend for 3 years but that is now crumbling because she is sick of my ex being after me. I have always kept a soft spot for my ex but do not know if I can ever get past the images of her infidelity and how hurtful and devastating this was to me. I do know financially id be better off to reconcile. It took a long time for divorce to occur. It just happened a month ago. UGH ...to make matters worse my family loves my gf and despises my ex. Totally. Ugh..kids not to keen on gf......I'm looking for any advice anyone can give me I'm desperate....I'm not even sure I'm in the right thread or how to get replies to this. But please give me some unbiased advice. Mm


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## Mr Blunt

Your wife made you plan B for 4 years and found out that the grass was not greener on the other side. Now she wants you back. *With just the very limited information you have posted I would say that I would be leaning in the direction of NOT taking her back.*

Her affair was neither a one night stand nor a betrayal where she wanted to keep you and have her affair too. She left you because she though she had a better deal. *In addition she left you for YEARS!!!!*


Her betrayal is different than some of the other betrayals and *her 3-4 years of having another man replace you would be too much for me.* 


Other than financial (poor reason) and your relatives liking her, why would you consider taking her back?


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## Mmdog60

I feel same way you do with many points Mr. Blunt....a main reason I'd consider it, to further answer your question, my kids have begged me for it. Also my family ...parents and siblings.... can't stand my ex and love my gf. Thanks so much for your input. I cannot tell you the value of being able to reach outside of "my world" and seek unbiased input.


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## Mmdog60

I have 3 kids and the The question I ask myself daily is this....is it better to teach my kids forgiveness and show reconciliation or is it better to show my kids that you do not let people trample on you as she had done with her lies, deceit, manipulation, and walking out?


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## tainted

Your post confuses me. Is the divorce finalized or were the papers served last month? Either way i'll say its too late for your wife to come back now. 

You don't have to reconcile with her to forgive her. I think its better to show your kids what a strong loving dad they have. Were the kids begging their mom not to leave 4 years ago? If they haven't come to terms that the relationship is dead now, then some therapy might be good for them.


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## Hope1964

Your ex does NOT deserve you. Your gf sounds like she DOES.

Your kids will always wish you were with their mother. Nothing will change that. Your role is to show them that they will be perfectly fine with their parents not being together. Often, kids blame themselves for their parents breaking up - you need to address this with them if you haven't already. Counseling for them is a good idea, or at least a group for kids like Rainbows, which is for kids who have experienced loss through death, divorce or other tragedy. My kids attended when they were younger and it was a great place for them.

Rainbows International Grief Support Organization for Children


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## Feelingsadnlonely

Oh gosh this is a tough one. Umm, do you still LOVE your ex wife? Could you see you back together and happy? Not just for your kids but for you both as well? Will you be able to trust her? Will you be able to live knowing she can potentially leave you again for someone else in the future? Darn it, this is a tough one. 

You really have to think very hard about this. I would not want you to get hurt again and go through this all over again in the future. But do what your heart tells you, I know some people may think the opposite, but whatever will make you happy go out and do it. If it's getting back together, then do it. If it's not, then don't and continue to do great in life like it sounds you are 

Good luck to you. All I wish you is happiness!


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## Mmdog60

Thanks to all. All is very insightful and helpful...

Hope...I love you comments

Tainted...divorce just became final last month. 

Sad and Loney... I have put tons of ...(too much) thought into this...I do still love my ex wife. She was my princess and always was, but the abrupt hurt she inflicted made that life disappear.

The very things you mention,,,could I ever trust her, could I ever get past her being with another, could I be happy, if it didn't work I'd be sorry because I do have a great gf...she just isn't my wife, but I'd still be devasted if I lost her in trying this leap back to my ex...

Incidentally today would have been anniversary #20.

Thanks,


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## Openminded

Forget about your ex-wife. Children always want their parents together. Your girlfriend is the better choice.


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## rrrbbbttt

Quit poisoning your relationship with the loyal girlfriend. 

Your spouse betrayed you then and what has she done to make you believe she won't betray you in the future. Yes, she wants you back "Plan B". 

What has changed that makes you think she will keep her promises to you in the future.

You are being pushed by your children, in 10 years your children will not be living with you and who do you want to live with and are they willing to live with you?


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## Mmdog60

Rrrbbbttt....you are right I am poisoning my relationship now with a sweet sweet girl. Ive put her through hell and she just keeps supporting me. I think sometimes I even do it intentionally. Thanks so much.


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## itskaren

Mmdog60 said:


> I have 3 kids and the The question I ask myself daily is this....is it better to teach my kids forgiveness and show reconciliation or is it better to show my kids that you do not let people trample on you as she had done with her lies, deceit, manipulation, and walking out?


This is the one thing that I battle with on a daily basis. I have been moping around on this site for nearly 2 years now and this paragraph has hit the nail on the head. Thank you.


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## Mr Blunt

> I have 3 kids and the The question I ask myself daily is this....is it better to teach my kids forgiveness and show reconciliation or is it better to show my kids that you do not let people trample on you as she had done with her lies, deceit, manipulation, and walking out?




You can do all three!!


You can forgive your wife, then reconcile with your wife on co-parenting issues so that your children will have the advantage of their parents working together for their good, then show your children that you are not going to be trampled on and are going to allow her consequences of her choices to tell lies, use deceit, use manipulation and walk out on her family has life long consequences.



All three of those above will teach your children very valuable lessons for life.


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## Mr Blunt

> I feel same way you do with many points Mr. Blunt....a main reason I'd consider it, to further answer your question, my kids have begged me for it. Also my family ...parents and siblings.... can't stand my ex and love my gf. Thanks so much for your input. I cannot tell you the value of being able to reach outside of "my world" and seek unbiased input.




Children always want their parents to go back together. My grandson wanted his father to go back to his mother after she left him for other men. That was over 10 years ago. My son did not go back to her and my grandson is just fine now and chose to live with his father at the age of 13 and is much closer to his father than mother and sees his mother 1-2 times a year.

If my son would have gone back to his wife after she cheated on him for a year then he said he would have been putting his emotional health in her hands and that was great risk. He also aid that if he took her back and he cheated gain that he wood not have been much good for his children or himself.


*Mmdog
If you took your wife back and she betrayed you again what good would you be to your children or yourself?*


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## Mmdog60

So Karen what do you think...is it better to forgive or to show you don't let ppl mistreat you? I often wonder...god forbid....if in the future my children's spouse cheats how would my children react? Would they put up with it and reconcile? Or flee? What would I want for my kids? I think I'd be disappointed if my kids stayed with a cheating spouse.


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## Mmdog60

Mr. Blunt ...you are absolutely correct. You tell me what my mind keeps telling me, then I let emotion interfere with clear thinking. You make a wonderful point..if it happened again, the emotional toll would render me useless. Thanks so much!


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## SteveK

Mmdog

I understand how you feel. My wife walked out about 2 months ago and has been living with OM in a hotel room since then. She does come over to watch my son and we are cordial to each other.

In my subconscious I know when's not good for me. MI know the dynamics of our marriage, I know the hell she's put me through, the hell of uncertainty for two years.She now tells me she loves me but as a friend she tells our S15, that she cares deeply for me but does not love me anymore. She tells the marriage coach she is still in love with me,but it's a different love Han that for the OM.

It's so messed up isn't it? My IC says if I choose to stay plan B and then take her back,she will eventually leave again even though she says she would never do this again.

The truth is I think she really just does not want to be married anymore, but now she is asking to move back home for an in-home separation because my son needs her and because of financial reasons. I wax and Wayne on a daily basis as to what's the right thing to do.

Mr. Blunt has given me sound strong advice. 

My point I am trying to make is you have moved on already (our 28 th Wedding Anniversary would have been this June), if I was in your position a year from now, yes maybe I would Reconcile, but three years from now, and in a great relationship no Way no no no.

Don't do it.

I beg of you don't reconcile, your going to regret it. She is going to turn you into a basket case.

I wish you luck.


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## SteveK

One more thing just try not to get obsessed like I have done.


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## Stretch

As the BS who got into a relationship after WAW left, I think more about whether I could stop thinking about the fact that I was able to move on rather quickly. In other words, the fact that I was with someone else would bug me, alot. Forever? I am not sure.

Just a different perspective that you might not have admitted to yourself yet.

Good luck, thses are weird times,
Stretch


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## Mmdog60

Stretch...not sure if I understand you or not. If you are saying moved on quickly I did not. It was over a year all the while my ex was with a boyfriend, plus the year prior to that when my ex still lived w me yet had other secret relationships. But sometimes I do wonder if I should have gotten involved with someone else until after all that shook out? Is that what you meant? I get that perspective but years were rolling by in my life and I was not living.


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## WhiteRaven

Mmdog60 said:


> Stretch...not sure if I understand you or not. If you are saying moved on quickly I did not. It was over a year all the while my ex was with a boyfriend, plus the year prior to that when my ex still lived w me yet had other secret relationships. But sometimes I do wonder if I should have gotten involved with someone else until after all that shook out? Is that what you meant? I get that perspective but years were rolling by in my life and I was not living.


Why are you still talking to your ex about anything other than your kids?


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## Mmdog60

White raven, I do not speak to her about anything other than the kids. She will send numerous messages like...I love you...please take me back...I deserve a second chance....I never ever respond. ...but sometimes they do make me think.


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## WhiteRaven

Mmdog60 said:


> White raven, I do not speak to her about anything other than the kids. She will send numerous messages like...I love you...please take me back...I deserve a second chance....I never ever respond. ...but sometimes they do make me think.


If it makes you think, think about how she was straddling the OM digging her nails in his shoulders and back, how the OM was biting her breasts and she was moaning in ecstasy, how the OM was finishing inside her, lying with her on the bed, kissing and cuddling to sleep. Think about how she was laughing thinking she can f*ck anyone and you as a husband can't do sh*t.

Think about it. How it make you happy?


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## Mmdog60

Great response white raven! I love it and you are absolutely right.


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## Stretch

Mmdog60 said:


> Stretch...not sure if I understand you or not. If you are saying moved on quickly I did not. It was over a year all the while my ex was with a boyfriend, plus the year prior to that when my ex still lived w me yet had other secret relationships. But sometimes I do wonder if I should have gotten involved with someone else until after all that shook out? Is that what you meant? I get that perspective but years were rolling by in my life and I was not living.


You got it. I am just saying it would be difficult for me to R because of my own feelings about my own actions. To your point, at some point you have to start living again. My WAS gave me no hope of R and your X is heartless so we moved on when we though there was no going back. 

Do you get input from friends and family you trusted? Bet you did. like I did. 

When I moved on I had given up any real hope of R and with R on the table know, I can't just erase that I have been with another woman, that frankly I love and care about, like it sounds you do as well.

Such crazy damn times, crazy man,
Stretch

So your other response to my comment about begging, thanks.


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## Mmdog60

Gee stretch, our situations seem virtually identical.
Yes I recd advice from tons of people. Family was the worst...they told it like it was. Sometimes I became resentful for it because they were telling me what I did not want to hear.


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## Stretch

Everything is so damn irrational when the sh1t goes down. You think, I can change this, we can work it out. I even had a plan.

Before the plan finished, I met a woman, we started dating and I capitulated that R was not going to happen. The plan stopped.

Well, 14 months later R get suggested. Yikes.

My point is this (not necessarily to th OP but to all in separation limbo), and I mentioned it in anothe post, set the ground rules for your separation. No dating will give you the patience to wait.

My situation is not unique, all the books talk about the grass not being greener or the emotional ties that overwhelm a WAS. I just did not wait long enough to find out. 

The next question someone will ask is how long?. Til the separation is over or your WAS jumps into be with someone else. Then go at it. Get yourself a nice peice of tail!

Sorry if this is off topic.

Stretch


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## Mmdog60

My WAS instantly had another man, even before we split. She also had numerous EA prior to the OM. SHe had even gone on a vacation while we still lived together and had other man get her at airport when she returned.....she told me her gf was picking her up. Then when we split she had night after night of the other man staying at her apartment for a 1 and a half two year stretch before I looked for someone new. One time the OM and I showed up at same time ..both knocked and she let him in and forced me to go. At that point ...1 1/2 years after separation I was like screw it, and started to date. Not long after the ex started begging me to take her back. That begging has continued now for 2 years! The funny part is...to this day she still dates the man she started dating before our separation! Don't you think that if she really wanted me to buy it she would at least break it off with OM and not insult me by asking for my forgiveness all the while still seeing the man she destroyed me for.


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## LongWalk

Mdog,

Your family know you well and have your best interests at heart. They like your GF. That's an important endorsement. Weight it heavily.

Why did you ex break up with her AP?

Do you think the D affected her relationship with him?

Is sex with your GF unsatisfying? Does she not meet your emotional needs?

Hi Itskaren


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## Mr Blunt

Mndog


Forgive because it will help you and your children

Keep improving yourself and keep getting stronger because it will help you and your children

Do everything you can to get completely disconnected from your wife as you are probably still not emotionally free from her.

Use all your thoughts and actions to help you and your children and force thoughts about your wife out of your mind.


You 100% owe your efforts to your self and your children and you owe nothing to your wife. She has put a knife in your relationship with her and it is up to you to get over it. Any time you are giving her will be time that you are taking away from yourself and your children.

You need to be as strong as you can be in all areas so that you can make right decisions and your life better.


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## Mmdog60

LongWalk said:


> Mdog,
> 
> Your family know you well and have your best interests at heart. They like your GF. That's an important endorsement. Weight it heavily.
> 
> Why did you ex break up with her AP?
> 
> Do you think the D affected her relationship with him?
> 
> Is sex with your GF unsatisfying? Does she not meet your emotional needs?
> 
> Hi Itskaren






LongWalk said:


> Mdog,
> 
> Your family know you well and have your best interests at heart. They like your GF. That's an important endorsement. Weight it heavily.
> 
> Why did you ex break up with her AP?
> 
> Do you think the D affected her relationship with him?
> 
> Is sex with your GF unsatisfying? Does she not meet your emotional needs?
> 
> Long walk,
> 
> First, sex with gf is amazingly satisfying. It is actually a gazillion times better than was with ex wife.
> 
> Responding to your other questions....my ex DID NOR BREAK UP WITH BOYFRIEND...she continues to see him (4 years now) while she pesters me daily to take her back.
> 
> Mmdog


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## Mmdog60

And mr. Blunt...

Right as usual!


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## Baablacksheep

Dude she's asking to get back with you while still seeing him ? ? !!! 
Cake eater in spades. Let's say you take her back, little while later you two are fighting again, someone with twice the bucks, bigger tool, whatever it is that flips her trigger. She'll be gone like the wind bro. Loyalty is an unknown quality for that woman.


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## BashfulB

A prior poster said to trust your heart

No. The heart is deceitful above all things. Use your head and your gut. You have no idea what your ex wife's true motives are. 
I don't think her motives have anything to do with love. She sounds like an immoral and selfish person. Why on earth would you even consider it. 

Next time your kids say they want you and your ex to get back together tell them that they will lose their video games. If they mention it again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pepper123

Under no circumstance should you even entertain the thought of taking your wife back.

Give your gf a chance... sounds like she has more than earned it.


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## A_Complicated_Life

I can fully understand how conflicted you must be feeling Mmdog as I am in very much the same position.

I'm considering R as my ex has made a genuine effort and, while I 'forgave' her a while ago, the memory of the devastation caused by what in the end was her decision will not go away. 

I'm also totally sad at the thought of not being with the person I have become very close to during the separation with my wife (it's been 5 years since she told me about the BF, though they broke up 2 years ago, and for those same dreaded financial reasons, my ex and I have been sharing a house for the past year). 

I think though that my GF and I are both feeling overwhelmed by the situation, so for our sakes and the children's and after numerous ups and downs, we've decided to just stay friends (though our hearts are screaming otherwise at times which makes any decision difficult...but how long can one remain stuck and not move forward!)

In your situation, as your ex is still living with her BF, you should in no way think of R! It sounds like she is using emotional blackmail by sending those sorts of text messages, and I'd be very wary of her motives (unable to support herself financially perhaps?) As has been said a number of times, the children will always want you back together, but is living in a relationship that isn't based on 100% trust also damaging for them?

And the relationship with your GF sounds wonderful! Your children will probably make life difficult for her, and you shouldn't underestimate how difficult it will be on you both, but it sounds like you have the basis for a wonderful new life together free from those burdens of mistrust. I'd put every effort into making it work with your GF and showing her how determined you are for it to work WITH HER...so go for it!!!


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