# Should you stay married even if you know you'll be happier without it?



## t10eml (Nov 30, 2012)

Been married for 10 years. It's ok. Happy at times but also a bit stressful at times having to get the approval of the wife with almost every decision I make and also to put up with her character flaws (not that I'm perfect either).

The times when I am not with her (which is rare e.g. when she's away with family), I find myself living a more care-free existence not always having to worry about what she thinks about what I do. Almost feels liberating to have full-control of my life and not to have to take care of two adults instead of just me (she's highly dependent on me, almost like a child at times who constantly needs my help and guidance). So I'm almost certain I'd be a happier person without her.

So the question is, should I stay married and sacrifice a percentage of my happiness just to be with her? This is what marriage has become to me right now, unfortunately.


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## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

I'm probably a female version of you.

Maybe, you two are incompatible perhaps.

I often wondered about us - he wants A which does not fit into what I need/want (B) and we never get anywhere "together" as to what "we both want" over a number of years. I speak out and am assertive; he wants me to be passive and submissive, accepting his bad behavior and long-term adulteries etc. Issues with how money is spent on. List goes on..

I'm moving on.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

t10eml said:


> So the question is, should I stay married and sacrifice a percentage of my happiness just to be with her? This is what marriage has become to me right now, unfortunately.


*t10eml:* Since you didn't mention it, I'm assuming there are no children involved - is that correct?


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## t10eml (Nov 30, 2012)

old timer said:


> *t10eml:* Since you didn't mention it, I'm assuming there are no children involved - is that correct?


Yes, no kids.


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## t10eml (Nov 30, 2012)

My basic question is which to choose:

Option A: Stay married, Be 55% happy (maybe a bit more on good days)
Option B: Get divorced, Be at least 80% happy

*sigh* It sounds so easy. Obviously, if you were a selfish person you'd just go with B. But when there are feelings and wedding vows involved with another person, it makes it so much more difficult to make a decision.

Should it be this difficult?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

What are your ages?


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## t10eml (Nov 30, 2012)

old timer said:


> what are your ages?


38/39.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

What kind of guy were you in a social setting when you first married?
Very outgoing, friendly, shy, timid?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Almost everyone here has struggled with these same questions/feelings.

Are you the ONLY adult in your relationship?
Are you tired of being the ONLY adult in your relationship?
Do you see your wife EVER stepping up and being a true PARTNER to you?
Can you live the rest of your life being 55% happy?
Would you be able to stay faithful LONG-TERM feeling as you do about your wife?
Do you feel religious strictures against divorce (do you believe you'll go to hell for getting divorced)?

What did you EXPECT your married life to look like back in the day?
How close to that expectation are you two living?
Do you think you can find OTHER women who would satisfy you on a day-to-day basis, or do you believe there is only ever ONE perfect SOULMATE for you?

Ultimately, only YOU can decide if 55% is enough for you. People here are TAM are (for the most part) NOT judgemental; we realize everyone must live his/her own life.

We will be here for you whichever way you decide to go. Keep posting your questions, your feelings. Perhaps reading OTHER threads will touch a chord within you that will help YOU decide how YOU should live your life!


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## t10eml (Nov 30, 2012)

old timer said:


> What kind of guy were you in a social setting when you first married?
> Very outgoing, friendly, shy, timid?


Average in all respects. Neither highly introverted or extroverted.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

t10eml said:


> Average in all respects. Neither highly introverted or extroverted.


What did she see in you when you first met?

Serious question - not being flippant


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## t10eml (Nov 30, 2012)

@SlowlyGettingWiser, thanks for that. See answers below:



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Almost everyone here has struggled with these same questions/feelings.
> 
> Are you the ONLY adult in your relationship? *Seems like it*
> Are you tired of being the ONLY adult in your relationship? *Yes*
> ...


I think the only thing that is keeping me in this marriage is that I feel obligated to my wife and my marriage vows. Is that a valid reason to keep working on the marriage even if a part of you knows you'll be happier if you were free?


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## t10eml (Nov 30, 2012)

old timer said:


> What did she see in you when you first met?
> 
> Serious question - not being flippant


Not to sound conceited, but I was fairly handsome. I guess she was attracted to me on a physical level.

Also, at the time she said she was attracted to the fact that I was a smart but simple person, not overly motivated by materialistic things. And I believe she could (rightfully) see my potential to achieve things in the future (which is true as I consider myself a pretty successful person today).

Although at times throughout the marriage she would accuse me of being too simple and not appreciating the finer things in life. Go figure.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Do you get along sexually?
Why no children?
Does she work outside the home?
You've been pretty vague in what your real issues are, imo.

What is your #1 complaint in the marriage?


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## t10eml (Nov 30, 2012)

old timer said:


> Do you get along sexually?


Not really. I'd consider our marriage to be close to a sexless marriage. When we do have sex, it seems robotic, routine and she complains about how fast it is and the lack of passion.



old timer said:


> Why no children?


Medical issues. PCO, endometriosis, adenomyosis. She's had the lot. 



old timer said:


> Does she work outside the home?


No. Partly due to health problems and partly because ... well, to be frank, she's lazy. Although I've encouraged her to start looking for work, which she's agreed to. If she does start work again, I'm anticipating plenty of arguments where she'll accuse me of "forcing her to work". *sigh*



old timer said:


> You've been pretty vague in what your real issues are, imo.
> 
> What is your #1 complaint in the marriage?


Probably me just being tired of our married life. I just want to be free again.

Don't really feel like living two lives (mine and hers).

Don't really want to put up with her mood swings anymore.

Want to be able to go out or do things without having to tell where I've been and what I've been doing all the time (even simple, innocent things).

Am I just being selfish?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I think the only thing that is keeping me in this marriage is that I feel obligated to my wife and my marriage vows. Is that a valid reason to keep working on the marriage even if a part of you knows you'll be happier if you were free?


You need to think about HOW/WHY you feel obligated to your wife and your vows:

Because you're all she has without a career or children?
Because she and you both EXPECTED to stay together FOREVER? Don't want to disappoint others (family, community, whatever)?
Hellfire and brimstone?
You'll feel like a 'failure'?
She'll feel like a 'failure'?
Nothing short of physical abuse is a 'good enough' reason for divorce?
You see yourself as a 'nice guy' and nice guys just suck it up and stick it out?
You're not 'the kind of people' who divorce?

Without knowing the WHY of your obligatory feelings, it's hard to have a meaningful give/take with you about this. You sound unsure yourself as to WHAT EXACTLY makes you feel obligated.
Familial obligations?
Societal obligations?
Self obligations?

Can you try to think about THESE questions/scenarios and more and see if you can pin down the WHY of your indecisiveness. There may very well BE MORE THAN ONE reason...there could be 2 or 3 of these that you feel to greater or lesser degrees.

Total brutal honesty with YOURSELF will help you move forward in SOME directions instead of being stuck in a quagmire of self-doubt.



> Am I just being selfish?


Maybe, but selfishness isn't ALWAYS a BAD thing!


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## t10eml (Nov 30, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser, I think it's mainly an I obligation I feel to HER and the vows I took on our wedding day (better, worse, yada, yada, yada).

And, like many other posters in this forum, the thought of hurting and leaving my spouse just kills me (although I know this cannot be avoided if I decide to go through with it). I guess I AM just too much of a nice guy although I know, I know, the longer I stay in the marriage without being fully committed is going to hurt her more.

How do people do it?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You can ONLY do it WHEN/IF you decide IT IS THE *BEST* course of action.

Not wanting to hurt your spouse is admirable, you are a nice person. You are, however, hurting her by staying with her in a dishonest relationship. Staying with her out of pity, or duty, or expectation or ANYTHING OTHER THAN LOVE is hurting her.

If you leave, you are freeing BOTH OF YOU to find someone who cherishes EACH OF YOU for the special person you are. You would be giving each of you the CHANCE at a truly happy, loving, respectful relationship.

Or you can stay in this relationship as it is out of duty, obligation, expectation, habit, path of least resistance.

If the shoe was on the other foot, would you want HER to stay with YOU out of pity, or obligation?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

It is not an easy decision to make, I have many of the same feelings as you have stated. 
For me, it just feels like a matter of when not if. I am trying to figure out the best time for me to get the idea of divorce started. Things aren't working, they aren't getting better, just getting worse, but it is such a life changing event that I don't feel it is right to just do it. It needs to be thought out, so I am trying to make sure it is a better timing for both of us.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

t10eml said:


> Been married for 10 years. It's ok. Happy at times but also a bit stressful at times having to get the approval of the wife with almost every decision I make and also to put up with her character flaws (not that I'm perfect either).
> 
> The times when I am not with her (which is rare e.g. when she's away with family), I find myself living a more care-free existence not always having to worry about what she thinks about what I do. Almost feels liberating to have full-control of my life and not to have to take care of two adults instead of just me (she's highly dependent on me, almost like a child at times who constantly needs my help and guidance). So I'm almost certain I'd be a happier person without her.
> 
> So the question is, should I stay married and sacrifice a percentage of my happiness just to be with her? This is what marriage has become to me right now, unfortunately.


Walk away husband


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much have you told her about the way you feel?

Why is sex mechanical?

What have you done to get more passion, etc in your marriage?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> but selfishness isn't ALWAYS a BAD thing!


True that


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## jessy81 (Dec 2, 2012)

Omegaa said:


> I'm probably a female version of you.
> 
> Maybe, you two are incompatible perhaps.
> 
> ...


This sounds very much like me too.........but sadly i've grown apart from him, gotten tired of being passive & submissive , fell out of love with him,........& i'm seriously considering leaving him........so hard after knowing someone for about 12 years (married 7)..........but i'm tired of hearing "my way or the highway" , or him being forced to do things i want & he hates ........just not working..........


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## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

I had enough of being in limbo over so many years. There is no real partnership. If I ever die in this marriage, he will just move onto the next.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Is your wife depressed? I know if I had infertility issues preventing me from having children, and I just sat around the house all day not working, it'd be because I was seriously depressed.

If it's depression, then you're dealing with a serious illness and not your real wife. If that is the case, I think you should try to encourage her to get treatment. Then you can work on your marriage, and then decide whether you want to stay or not.

Those are my thoughts, anyway. Good luck to you, it sounds like you guys are facing a lot of work. Life is never easy, though, that's what keeps it so interesting!


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## greystreet (Nov 26, 2012)

Im fairly certain my husband feels the same way about some of the things I have done/not done - that he is the only adult, that I am not a true partner etc... but part of the reason for my behavior (which has certainly not been wonderful and gracious at times) came out of my own unhappiness with our marriage and the life we were living/heading towards. Is it possible that she's not happy either, but is too afraid to say anything? My husband was initially devastated (and may well still be, though he is in agreement with the decision), but then proceeded to call me out - somewhat rightfully so - on some of the things you mentioned, so he has obviously been feeling those things for a while... just putting it out there.

Also - 55% happy is not ok. It's just NOT. If you were happier, if it were truly the right situation for you to be in, you would not feel the way that you did. I have lots of friends who have gone through rocky patches in their marriages and none of them felt the way that I did (which is very similar to the way you feel), they still felt content and happy in their marriage - never feeling trapped or miserable. Just my two cents, but I think it's definitely time for a conversation - stay strong, be HONEST, and be clear.

It's incredibly hard. Unbelievably, incredibly awful and hard, but if you're afraid you won't be faithful and you can't see yourself being happy with her then you owe it to both of you to say something before you have to explain a much worse situation.

Best of luck to you! Keep us posted if you need advice or an ear.


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