# 3 Weeks since D-day



## ODAT (Sep 5, 2015)

New on here obviously. I found out my wife was sexting and emotionally cheating on me with a co-worker 3 months ago. I immediately confronted her my evidence gathered during snooping through her snapchat and our phone bill. She said at that time she would cease talking to him and I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Fast foward to 3 weeks ago and I caught her in a conversation about how she wished she had left work with him that morning and I snapped. 

I told her I was leaving and packing up. Finally she came clean with everything. She has been sending and receiving nude pictures from him and talking to him about me and our marriage. I was already hurting from finding out the first time but to know she continued to lie about it knowing how badly I was hurting just drove the knife into my heart that much further. She has given me all passwords to her phone and apps and has been truthful about her whereabouts for the last 3 weeks since I threatened to leave. 

She still works with the guy albeit different shifts. I have so much anger built inside of me towards the other guy. I know he doesn't owe me anything, that's its my wife who broke her vows. I've gone looking for him at her work and ran into him last night. I was overcome with emotion and felt like my blood was boiling. I began to sweat and heart beating faster than ever. My fists clinch tightly and my mind was in overdrive thinking about what I was going to say to him before I put him in the hospital. It is my sons birthday today and thinking of that is really the only reason I didn't go through with it.

How do I move past this anger? Why is my anger directed at him and not at my wife who is actually the one who broke my trust and trampled on our vows. I dream about hurting him when I sleep and I'm consumed with negative thoughts. My wife and I are talking through it and she is aware of this anger but she shuts down and starts crying whenever I tell her about it. I'm to embarrassed to talk to family and my friends would only encourage me to hurt the other guy. I feel absolutely stuck in hell right now and I don't know where to go from here. Any advice that can be offered?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

This guy wouldn't be in the picture if your wife hadn't given herself to him. It sounds like your in denial of who your wife really is. Getting arrested for battery now will only compound your problems. Plus it sounds like she may be a serial cheater and will never stop. You'll have to decide if it's so and do you want this life? Calm down and try to think ahead and rationally. We all know it's hard but it'll be the best for you long term.

Let's be honest if they are exchanging nude pics they've probably been having sex as well.
She's probably telling you what she can get by with. Cheaters lie! A lot and as much as they can cover up they will.

This is not about you. This is all her. You are embarrassed which is natural. But you did nothing wrong. No matter what issues you may have this is her betrayal of you and your marriage.

With that said full exposer would help I think.

Here's why. You are bearing the brunt of this while this guy and your wife are not. It'll probably come out anyway. Is he married?
If so I'd make sure his wife knew. 

Read through a few stories here to give you a perspective on what/how others have went through.

Go into detective mode. I'd bet you haven't seen or found everything yet. Take control of your situation. Get a good lawyer and find out where you are legally.

Keep all the evidence in a secure place you may need it later.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Oh, and good luck to you. 

No one deserves to go through what you are.

Put this where it should be. On your wife.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

You know who the real culprit is my man, and it ain't this guy. Put your anger at him for taking advantage of her offer on one hand and consider not only jail time but your liability for his injury on the other. Think about what you're old lady's going to be doing with him while you're doing time for assault and the check you'll be writing him after you sell off your assets with any deficiency deducted monthly from your pay.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

ODAT,



Marc878 said:


> Let's be honest if they are exchanging nude pics they've probably been having sex as well.
> She's probably telling you what she can get by with. Cheaters lie! A lot and as much as they can cover up they will.


Agreed. The only guarantee regarding Affairs... There's always more.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

See the guy with a friend and TALK to him about 'what ever'........ in a short conversation....tell him your wife has told 
you they have had sex and if it happens again yadda yadda...
DO NOT HIT HIM

Make sure you wife is at home when this happens with someone (friends wife) and go home and then you can talk to her 
knowing details

If the sexting and photos have happened and they work together and she wished to have that morning off with him....its 
happened

you need to know about this yesterday

you broke silence too soon.....stealth has gone


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

If you wanted to hear her reaction ( i would) don't have anyone babysitting her just get a few VARS to capture any phone conversation 
when he phones her after you confront him

Until you establish full disclosure or at least a lot more than you have got, moving forward at the minute is problematic


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I do not agree completely with it is all on her. Yes she went looking for it and found it. But he stood up and yelled "Yo, pick me, pick me!". He could have been a friend to a marriage, he chose to F it over. So they are BOTH ".........". Each in there own way. 

As to him: Look this is extreme but in the same class. You know a person is a pedophile. The fact is there is a 80 percent chance given the right situation he will do it again. Why would you not warn people. Read NavyTec's thread. If he can make any excuse to see her, he will and then go for it. NC means NC ! You already have seen why! 

Keep posting you will get a lot of great advise about the 180, trickle truth, about true and false reconciliation, signs of a remorseful spouse, the how he seduced a marred women, how a player thinks, and perhaps the most important the concept of the "fog".


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## ODAT (Sep 5, 2015)

G.J. said:


> If you wanted to hear her reaction ( i would) don't have anyone babysitting her just get a few VARS to capture any phone conversation
> when he phones her after you confront him
> 
> Until you establish full disclosure or at least a lot more than you have got, moving forward at the minute is problematic


At this point I don't even think I want full disclosure if I don't have it by now. I love her but I've read enough to know that it's not worth my dignity and the respect of my children to continue to stay with her. My heart is broken and I'm absolutely devastated and I'm not sure uncovering more help. I have lost my father and my sister and thought that was the worst feeling in the world. I have never known pain like this. It is unrelenting but I guess it's time to move on. I know I won't be alone as I have three children with her who I'd walk through fire for. Knowing the heartbreak they are going to endure when I end it is truly the worst. I just feel absolutely broken. Absolutely broken.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

What you might want to do it take her for a polygraph test. Don't tell her until the night before and let her know that either she takes the test or your filing for divorce. Chances are you'll have your answer before you go especially if she balks at the idea of a poly. That should tell you that she's lying.

On the other hand if you gut feeling is telling you that you don't want to be with her then move on. I understand that you still love her and you can't turn it on and off like a light switch but if you can't trust her any longer then go with your gut. 

I couldn't live a life where i always had to wonder if she's still lying or cheating. If there's no trust then there's isn't any marriage. The one person who should have your back at all times stabs you when your not looking isn't someone I would ever turn my back on again.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Your going through pain and from your first post to this you have jumped from 



> My wife and I are talking through it
> 
> I feel absolutely stuck in hell right now and I don't know where to go from here


TO 



> . It is unrelenting but I guess it's time to move on.


If you have decided to D then people will post what *the best way for you is to move forward*

If you haven't decided then *you will need to get to the truth*


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If your mind is made up, then do the 180 and get all your legal and financial ducks in a row before acting.

If you want any chance at working it out, she NEEDS to quit her job immediately and you both need counseling and books that deal with recovery from infidelity.

Marriage builders is a good site with great advice if her affair is over.

Don't blame you one bit if you are done. Cheating is a marriage killer.

If you want to try reconciliation and she is on board, your marriage could become better than it ever has been.

Either way, make the healthiest choice for yourself. Children need healthy parents not necessarily married ones.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ODAT (Sep 5, 2015)

G.J. said:


> Your going through pain and from your first post to this you have jumped from
> 
> 
> 
> ...


How do I get the truth at this point? I have no money to ask for a polygraph. She's never betrayed my trust up until this point and that is what's making this so hard. I had a very very brief EA with an old high school girlfriend who lives 2000 miles away before we were married and she was understandably upset. But I came clean immediately when she discovered it and promptly agreed to NC which I did and continue to do. I just don't understand how she could continue to lie after I found out the first time. I know we had our problems but I was working on everything. When I first found out I know I did the wrong thing by coddling her and smothering her with attention. We had sex nearly every day not because I enjoyed it but I wanted to make her so absolutely exhausted physically she couldn't be with anyone else. I guess I underestimated her. I didn't think she would be capable of this. I want to work things out. I want the truth I just have no idea how to get it.

After I found out she was still talking to him 3 weeks ago she agreed to all my terms to get me to stay. She gave me her passwords to everything and she did agree to the NC letter and I drove her to work and watched her give it to him and walk away. I wasn't going anywhere though, it was an empty threat and she knows it. I'm a grown 34 year old man who has cried more times over the last 12 weeks then I have in my entire life. I don't want to end it, but I don't want to be a cuckold either. I want my children to have respect for their father. But I'm also still madly in love with my wife. I feel like a crazy person who is so disconnected from who I was before I found out about her betrayal.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Also, exposure is good all the way around. Is OM single?

If he is married or has a girlfriend you should find out and expose to them.

This isn't revenge, it is bringing something into the light. It is also a great affair killer.

Affairs thrive in secrecy and don't do as well in the open.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

As the stealth has gone the only way to get the truth is for some one to say some thing or some thing
that comes to light you can see

*If you have exhausted all email and txt recoverys*...err you have used recovery software on her phone 
to see if you can get deleted massages ?...and checked her bin files on email, Facebook etc ?

Next step is to set up 

1.confrontation with O.M. with a friend present to make sure you DO NOT ESCALATE IT to a bvtch slap 
fest..I've already posted. The point is to get him to admit to sex with your wife...not the details there 
after....quick and short conversation should accomplish
If you get just denial then the VARs you planted at home should catch the phone call he makes to her 
and what she says

2.You follow up by going home and then nuclear confrontation if you haven't uncovered anything.
Which is a nice guy nasty guy interrogation I can send you details which I have given to others and it has helped to get confessions

3.LAST RESORT is POLYGRAPH....if you can not afford it only hope is get a car park confession by pretending to set one up


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## ODAT (Sep 5, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Also, exposure is good all the way around. Is OM single?
> 
> If he is married or has a girlfriend you should find out and expose to them.
> 
> ...


The OM is single and seems from what I can gather really has no family that would care. Telling any of his friends would likely only boost his ego. The ONLY tool I have left is an grenade that I'm desperate not to throw. The OM was/is in an assistant manager and above the position my wife works in. I have pictures that he sent her that she is not aware that I have where he is in uniform and in the office with his pants down. I'm sure it wouldn't take much to get him fired by filing a complaint to his VERY WELL KNOWN employer but I hesitate as I think it would push my wife further away and possibly get her fired as well.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

ODAT said:


> I have pictures that he sent her that she is not aware that I have where he is in uniform and in the office with his pants down. .


When/If you confront him show him the pictures ( print them off )when you ask him how many time they had sex

The pictures will panic him to telling you I'm sure


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

1). It's possible for your wife and the OM to both be guilty. There are men out there who specialize in affairs with married women.
2). I'm Klingon. Look into perfectly legal ways to rain fire down into his life.
Some here say living well is the best revenge. Let it go.
I say living well is the best revenge... While surveying the smoking ruins of the life of the OM who was screwing your wife. the pics are perfect.

Read the top link of my signature for tech tips for 007 if you wish.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ODAT said:


> The OM is single and seems from what I can gather really has no family that would care. Telling any of his friends would likely only boost his ego. The ONLY tool I have left is an grenade that I'm desperate not to throw. The OM was/is in an assistant manager and above the position my wife works in. I have pictures that he sent her that she is not aware that I have where he is in uniform and in the office with his pants down. I'm sure it wouldn't take much to get him fired by filing a complaint to his VERY WELL KNOWN employer but I hesitate as I think it would push my wife further away and possibly get her fired as well.


Your wife might be pissed at first but exposure is extremely effective at ending an affair.

If she is truly remorseful and you want to give reconciliation a healthy chance, she needs to get rid of the job anyway.

I would talk to a lawyer about the best way to proceed but you could probably get a sexual harassment lawsuit against the company with ease. Look into this before ever talking to your wife about it. There is a possibility that she has taken the affair underground.

When and if you expose him, your wife needs to get on board quickly with his demise or she isn't truly remorseful.

Look up the site I told you about and do some reading. There are also many great books that can help you and your wife heal from this effectively. His Needs Her Needs. Not Just Friends. Surviving An Affair. I haven't checked it out but I have heard of one book called Helping Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair.

I could be wrong on the last title but have heard really great things about it.

Whether you divorce or reconcile, having your wife deal with this and get through it will be helpful for co-parenting or a better marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If he's superior to her at work you are in the drivers seat.

Get a lawyer and go straight at the company.

With your proof he's toast.

Afraid of pushing her away? Doing nothing says "honey do it again if you want". You can do whatever you want. There are no consequences. He's probably already had her and will be back for more. Look what your actions got you the first time.

If you want to save this marriage you do have to be willing to end it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You should be pushing your wife away....lets see how bad she want this marriage!

My old lady faced a lot of consequences but it showed me real remorse from her. Like you I wasn't sure if I was going to keep my old lady around (especially after *only* three weeks).

So I figured lets see how bad she wants this marriage by exposing her affairs...yes affairs, giving up her toxic friends, giving up her privacy, and giving her a good ol' spanking (that's just me I'm wired different then most) .

My old lady had a huge degree of submission and was very forth coming with the time lines and who she phucked around with.

I gave her a year...i figured she would screw up again and it would make it easier to get rid of her.

I have to admit she did not continue after d-day...so I see your point, but it might not hurt to see how much she wants this marriage by making her face the consequences she needs to face to help you heal.

I think I would go after the other mans job...lets see how much your old lady wants to protect him...her reaction might give you the validation you are looking for in either pulling the trigger on D or not.

You need to keep verifying your old ladies commitment to the marriage...getting a VAR will help you make the choice to keep her around or not.

You are in this limbo cuz you aren't sure if she is worth keeping around or not.....again you need to do this work and track her so you have the information to know #1 what you are actually forgiving her for if you keep her or the confirmation you need to follow through with a divorce.

Open up this can of worms and see what is really going on so you can make the best decision for your kids.

Keep investigating and pushing her....see how remorseful she really is.....it should be her fighting for this marriage she betrayed.
It should be her to have the submission and the will to stay in the marriage no matter what action you take in serving her with the consequences for her actions.

I have been here a while and it is very rare a wayward has the true remorse to face the consequences. More times then not the wayward spouses show their true colors and makes it that much more easier for the betrayed spouse to just let them go, knowing their wayward spouse will not change and just do this shyt again in the future.


Again don't be afraid to push her, make her face the consequences and let *her* show you how bad she wants the marriage.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Go see a lawyer the 1st consultation is free and ask them to send you what the retainer will be in writing. Then you can leave that out for your old lady to see......it will show her how confident you are in letting her go if she thinks she can continue with her bull shyt.

again another consequence she will need to face, knowing you aren't afraid to take the step to see a lawyer about divorcing her ass.

See there are ways to command respect, then it will be up to your wife to give you the respect you diserve or tell you to phuck off.

At the end of the day you can find out if she really wants to keep this marriage by respecting the action you take in giving her the consequences for her betrayal.

Your old lady should be already on her knees withher mouth open and a beer can on her head as soon as you walk in the door....but again that's just me, I'm wired different then most, plus my old lady has been able to stick around for the last 5 years since I busted her....lol

I'm just saying ...when they tell you they will do anything to keep you...then take advantage!


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

To be perfectly honest, you are pushing your wife away with your pleading and groveling.
This guys is not pleading, he took what he wants, and is showing her you are not man enough for her.
How can you be pleading and groveling ??

As for them only kissing,, really ??? He's sending her pics of his junk, and she goes deeper into depression missing it.
So how can you say you believe they only kissed. 

Your wife is in love with a strong pos, but feels she must do right by you.
That's where the funk is coming from.

O, have you read any threads on here ?
go read the ones who came back to say they should have listened sooner.

Also ask the ladies here who they find attractive. It's not the groveler O.

Either way, if you don't respect yourself how do you expect your wife to respect you.
especially the way you have handled this.

Now pay attention. This is some of the truest words repeated here.
" YOU have to be ready to END your marriage sometime to save it "


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Begin the 180 to help you marshal your thoughts:

The Healing Heart: The 180

Then, listen to ConanHub's advice. He is spot on here, in my opinion.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

DAT, so far this pos has been controlling your marriage and your wife.
Well it's time for you to show your wife, and him why she chose you in the first place.

You do this by going after what he values most, his job.
Your wife is just a wet warm to him. Tormenting you in the bargain is added pleasure.

Pay ATTENTION !! YOU have pics that will have him so busy trying to save his job, he won't have time to be contacting your wife, 

BUT,, do not ever tell your wife your plans for going after him.
Right now, she will warn him,, seeing as she is "so still in love".

Get a lawyer, or contact HR yourself.
Not his super, it may be a buddy of his, so go higher.
As for wifey, her finding out, and saying something to you, tells you she is still in contact with him, and lying to you.

You need her to SHOW she still wants to be married to you.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

" I'm sure it wouldn't take much to get him fired by filing a complaint to his VERY WELL KNOWN employer but I hesitate as I think it would push my wife further away and possibly get her fired as well."

Making decisions out of fear is NOT going to help you at this time.

Be decisive....crush this POS with his employer....the scumbag deserves this at a minimum for the damage he helped wreck on your children's family.

Plus...it will show your WW that you are absolutely finished with putting up with her and POSOM's bullsh*t....it will help to impress on your WW that her life as she knows it is hanging by a thread and she better get her head out of her a** if she doesn't want to lose it.

As far as her job, since he was her superior there is a chance that she will not be immediately fired....companies fear doing this in a superior/subordinate situation because of the legal possibility of the subordinate filing suit claiming they felt pressured or compelled into the A, and that is not a good legal position for the company.

But that same fear will probably mean that POS gets instantly canned....and that co*kroach deserves it.

Drop the dime on this turd and give him something else to focus on than trying to continue the A with your WW.

After this, drop the hammer on your WW.....expose the A to both your families and all friends...consult an attorney.

And then tell her that in order to continue you need her to continue with full transparency as well as give you a timeline and full accounting of what she has done....and tell her it will be confirmed by a poly, so she has this once chance to come completely clean.

She lies and you file......and until she meets your demands, only speak to her about the kids/absolute necessities and the preparations for D.

You need to be strong and firm if you want any chance of saving your M.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Odat, 

I mentioned some concepts in my first post. Let me add to them another that I see in your responses. She has already gas lighted you. She is starting to blame shift. NO MATTER HOW TRUE, they are issues to be resolved if a reconciliation is attempted.

Adultery is always the fault and the responsibility of the WS!!!

When she says I understand how you feel, ask her if a man can ever truly understand a women's grief if she mis-carries.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Also i worked in a big box DIY company, think orange or blue. He id toast. Contact the corp head quarters HR. The number is ob their web page. One reason They are death on this is because they know if it is not always shut down, customers will employes fornicating in the bathrooms, parking lot, etc.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Don't fall into that helpless overthinkinking neediness pit that a BS falls into. By exposing to his company, you are not asking them to fire him or your wife. You are exposing impropriety but not demanding any course of action. Dont think for the company. Give them the info.
As far as driving her away, come on. She is cheating or preparing to go underground. If she gets pissed, well there is your answer. You, by your own admission are not leaving and you want your kids respect. Expose and wait. 

You are more important than her job. If she is more upset at consequences at work than at home, well then again you have your answer. Fear on your part is cover on her end. In the end, if she left you, she'll return. Sexting vs full time relationship will clear her head. Realizing that you can live fine without her will clear Tuesday our head. Still, she is not gonna leave. 

Expose him.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

You have a perfect right to be angry at him and beat the hell out of him. It's what men do. He knew your wife was married and took advantage of her anyway, laughing at you all the way. I respect you if you opt not to, but a beatdown is in order.

As to your wife, file for divorce. See how she reacts. If she really wants to salvage the marriage, tell her you need a FULL accounting. And such that you need to believe it. You can then decide if you want to go through with it.

As to what to do, I'd leave for a while- a couple of months or so. She how you feel when you're gone and proceed accordingly.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ODAT, you have to take action that seems counter intuitive, blow them both out of the water, get a lawyer to ensure you have no legal ramifications. Remember, if you do want the marriage, this is a war, not a time to resort to gentle acquiescence. 
Show your wife you mean business, the choice is still yours whether you want her in your life or not, it is not her choice, she is the one who had the A. Change the locus of control, at the moment you are too unsure of yourself and your WW knows it, thus giving her the power in this situation. Act as if you have nothing to lose, because in theory you do not, you might save your marriage, but on the other hand it may not be woth saving if she doesn't change.


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## ODAT (Sep 5, 2015)

I truly appreciate all the replies and encouragement. I have a lot to think about but I've done my research and joining this forum has been a blessing. I WILL NOT BE A CUKHOLD. But I will try to salvage my marriage if she is willing. I will not let him the other man take away my freedom. I have gone ahead and filed a complaint against both her and him through her employer. I went above his boss and filed the complaint with corporate HR. I attached the pics and phone records so they will have all they need. I do not know what is going to happen next bit I know I'll have my dignity intact and hopefully my marriage. If not I have my children who are the most important in all this. Thanks again to all of you. It is nice knowing my situation is not unique and others have gone through the same hell as I'm experiencing. I will surely be back to update on what happens next.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It will go down one of two ways....
1) she will except her consequences and take ownership of her phuck up.

or

2) she will want to protect her affair partner and be really pissed off.

Either way it will show you her true colors and validate your next step. So prepare your self.

I hope she owns her unhealthy choices and except your decision in protecting the marriage by getting her away from that toxic environment at work.

I suspect that the addiction towards the other man is still there and you will get some shyt for going down that road.

But at the end of the day she was crapping were she ate and you will not take her behavior sitting down.

She should be thanking you that you didn't beat his @ss when you had the chance....but in the end you did show her you are not to be phucked with!

I'm guessing here but if the shoe was on the other foot your old lady would be all over the coworker you phucked and would do the same thing.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

ODAT said:


> I truly appreciate all the replies and encouragement. I have a lot to think about but I've done my research and joining this forum has been a blessing. I WILL NOT BE A CUKHOLD. But I will try to salvage my marriage if she is willing. I will not let him the other man take away my freedom. I have gone ahead and filed a complaint against both her and him through her employer. I went above his boss and filed the complaint with corporate HR. I attached the pics and phone records so they will have all they need. I do not know what is going to happen next bit I know I'll have my dignity intact and hopefully my marriage. If not I have my children who are the most important in all this. Thanks again to all of you. It is nice knowing my situation is not unique and others have gone through the same hell as I'm experiencing. I will surely be back to update on what happens next.


Well done for acting quickly and *DECISIVELY *
That's the first part done, its now about how you handle the rest that will determine how you walk away from this

1.What will you do next if she comes at you hard for informing on him/her (gets pvssed at you) ?

2.Are you going to tell family /friends putting more pressure on her to act decently ?

3.Will you be seeing a Lawyer/Solicitor to see where you stand....some offer a free first consultation
Also a leaflet left around the house ref seeking Divorce will worry her if she happens to stumble on it if your too scared to actually do anything along those lines

4.Have you ruled out a confrontation with OM quickly with a friend as posted previous....in a few days he will be suspeneded from work I would imagine

5.Hopefully you are planning on a full frontal confrontation with a list of questions and copies of photos.....let me know if you want the info on the best way to perform this that worked for me and others on this

6.Start the 180 in a modified way to enable you to stop being needy and crying around her


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Well lets be honest here,your wife lied to you and she is still lying to you.
If you want to R then she needs to tell you the truth,but she never did and never will.

In your marriage did she ever send you nude photos of her ??? NOPE
But she is sending her photos to this guy,she talking about you with him (can you imagine what is it ) ?? elive me it is not good things.

They had sex for sure,but she will never tell you that. Affair is going for a long time,you dont send nude photos to someone just like that.

I am sorry for you and your son.
Your wife lying,cheating slvt (pardon my language)

Best advice for you is file for Divorce and let her go,then she can do what ever she want.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Good for you exposing works. If they fire your wife you can sue the company, I would also expose to family and friends.

If she leaves, she would have left anyway.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ODAT said:


> I truly appreciate all the replies and encouragement. I have a lot to think about but I've done my research and joining this forum has been a blessing. I WILL NOT BE A CUKHOLD. But I will try to salvage my marriage if she is willing. I will not let him the other man take away my freedom. I have gone ahead and filed a complaint against both her and him through her employer. I went above his boss and filed the complaint with corporate HR. I attached the pics and phone records so they will have all they need. I do not know what is going to happen next bit I know I'll have my dignity intact and hopefully my marriage. If not I have my children who are the most important in all this. Thanks again to all of you. It is nice knowing my situation is not unique and others have gone through the same hell as I'm experiencing. I will surely be back to update on what happens next.


You've taken the first important step. Exposure will bring this to a head quickly. If the company does not handle this correctly you may have legal rights against them and may anyway. Only an attourney can tell you that.

The other important thing is all the pain will not be on your shoulders alone. You did not deserve this and did nothing wrong here.

Do not go near the other person. You can and have inflictied more damage with what you have done. Excellent work by the way. Since it's gone to HR it won't get swept under the rug. They know you may have legal rights against them since he was a supervisor. They will owe you a full explanation of what's being done or face your attourney.

I would require your wife to make you a full time line at to what happened. She needs to expose everything to you. Now that it's out in the open it should be easier to get the info although never forget cheaters always lie. No matter what. You'll need to pin her down. 

To be safe I'd have her take an STD test. You don't know who this guy is and you can't take a chance on your health risk. She did this now it's time for her to come clean and make amends or divorce her. You can't do this alone and if she's not helping you're better off without her.

I wish you the best in this awful time. 

Good luck. Take control and don't let up or back down.

You're doing great!!!!!


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

ODAT said:


> I truly appreciate all the replies and encouragement. I have a lot to think about but I've done my research and joining this forum has been a blessing. I WILL NOT BE A CUKHOLD. But I will try to salvage my marriage if she is willing. I will not let him the other man take away my freedom. I have gone ahead and filed a complaint against both her and him through her employer. I went above his boss and filed the complaint with corporate HR. I attached the pics and phone records so they will have all they need. I do not know what is going to happen next bit I know I'll have my dignity intact and hopefully my marriage. If not I have my children who are the most important in all this. Thanks again to all of you. It is nice knowing my situation is not unique and others have gone through the same hell as I'm experiencing. I will surely be back to update on what happens next.


Well done on doing this. Unless you wife sees that you have offered up consequences for her behavour nothing will change.

Now she knows not to cross you again and that there will be consequences for her foul behavour.

Dont cave in. It is very possible that now that your wife has seen your strong approach she will come running to you seeking to reconcile.

Only by staying strong can you achieve this cause at the very least she would have gained some respect for you altough she will not have liked your actions in blowing her affair up so publicly.

Well done. Stay Strong now


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

ODAT said:


> The OM is single and seems from what I can gather really has no family that would care. Telling any of his friends would likely only boost his ego. The ONLY tool I have left is an grenade that I'm desperate not to throw. The OM was/is in an assistant manager and above the position my wife works in. I have pictures that he sent her that she is not aware that I have where he is in uniform and in the office with his pants down. I'm sure it wouldn't take much to get him fired by filing a complaint to his VERY WELL KNOWN employer but I hesitate as I think it would push my wife further away and possibly get her fired as well.


Send the picture to his bosses anonymously. Simply say he is sending these pictures to his subordinates and ask if they are aware of it. Do not threaten them with exposure. If they do not do anything, simply print the pictures and post them around town.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

ODAT said:


> I truly appreciate all the replies and encouragement. I have a lot to think about but I've done my research and joining this forum has been a blessing. I WILL NOT BE A CUKHOLD. But *I will try to salvage my marriage if she is willing.* I will not let him the other man take away my freedom. I have gone ahead and filed a complaint against both her and him through her employer. I went above his boss and filed the complaint with corporate HR. I attached the pics and phone records so they will have all they need. I do not know what is going to happen next bit I know I'll have my dignity intact and hopefully my marriage. If not I have my children who are the most important in all this. Thanks again to all of you. It is nice knowing my situation is not unique and others have gone through the same hell as I'm experiencing. I will surely be back to update on what happens next.


Dear ODAT,

Rather than trying to "salvage your marriage" you should be:

- giving your WW serious consequences for what she's done (like insisting that she leave her job),

- telling her what you expect of her now and will expect from her in the future (complete openness and honesty, staying at home when not working, being a good homemaker and mother, demonstrating remorse on a daily basis, etc.),

- observing carefully what she does,

- drawing appropriate conclusions regarding how remorseful she is and how hard she is working to win you back and regain your trust, and

- paying attention to how you feel about her and whether you really want to spend the rest of your life with a cheater.

If you do these things, you will increase the likelihood of a successful reconciliation. At the same time, you will prepare yourself emotionally if things don't work out.

Understand that marriages stricken by infidelity more often than not fail because the cheated-on spouse decides to leave. No matter how hard your WW works at overcoming what she has done, over time you will feel less and less sympathetic toward and more and more disgusted with her. If she is a model wayward, you may eventually overcome these feelings and your marriage may survive. If she isn't, you will probably pull the plug on her.

So it behooves you to send a clear message to your WW that you will decide if the marriage survives or not and that there is no time-table for this. This will encourage her to do everything she can to help you recover and it will enable you to determine how serious she is about wanting to fix what she broke.

Give her a challenge and keep your options open.

Good luck.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

ODAT said:


> New on here obviously. I found out my wife was sexting and emotionally cheating on me with a co-worker 3 months ago. I immediately confronted her my evidence gathered during snooping through her snapchat and our phone bill. She said at that time she would cease talking to him and I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Fast foward to 3 weeks ago and I caught her in a conversation about how she wished she had left work with him that morning and I snapped.
> 
> I told her I was leaving and packing up. Finally she came clean with everything. She has been sending and receiving nude pictures from him and talking to him about me and our marriage. I was already hurting from finding out the first time but to know she continued to lie about it knowing how badly I was hurting just drove the knife into my heart that much further. She has given me all passwords to her phone and apps and has been truthful about her whereabouts for the last 3 weeks since I threatened to leave.
> 
> ...


I have a similar thing going on. It is easy for me to hate the OM and hard to hate my wife. The reasons for us feeling this should be obvious but they are self deceptive and misdirected. 

The only chance for you to trust is if she becomes the desperate guardian of your marriage and proactively tells you everything and anything giving you access to all her tech. It might not even work then but at least you would have chance.


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## ODAT (Sep 5, 2015)

Its been 5 days since I submitted a formal complaint against her and OM to her employer. It only took two before he was fired. She was also reprimanded but did not lose her job. I did not wait for her to find out that I was the one who sent the phone logs and pics to HR. The fallout was magnificent. For the first time I saw genuine shame in her eyes. I don't know why but I felt like a huge power shift had just taken place and I decided not to stop there. I called her parents and told them. Her mother and father both sides with me and immediately called her. They have been married 34 years and they told us a story that this very sent this g happened to them 7 years into there marriage. We were both floored as they seem like they have the perfect relationship. After the phone call I not only saw the genuine shame but for the first time I saw genuine remorse. But I also saw something in myself that wasn't there before I exposed her. I saw doubt, doubt that I even want to give her another chance. I came all this way though so we have agreed to seek both separate and couples counseling. I'm still hurt but I feel like I have gained allies. Hearing from her own mother who cheated that many years ago she was finally able to see through the fog and she won't atop apologizing and crying. You'd think that would make me happy but all it does is confuse me as to if I want to keep this together. I think deep down I still do and that's why counseling is our next step. I know I have a long road to travel with this but I'm no longer afraid of losing her. Thanks for all the advice on her. I wouldn't have exposed her had it not been from these forums.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

ODAT said:


> The fallout was magnificent. For the first time I saw genuine shame in her eyes. * I don't know why but I felt like a huge power shift had just taken place and I decided not to stop there. *


Regardless of D or R, she will never have this "Power" you speak over you again. 

DD... The Balance of Power shifts.


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## Jonnyinuk (Sep 10, 2015)

Have a talk with your wife and find out what it is that she was getting from him that she isn't getting from you .. Things can get a bit stale when two are together for time but all you need is to talk and all will be back to the level that it Shudnt be ... I am talking from experience ... Your missing the spark in your sex life .. Private message me if you want to talk mate


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

When trying to save a marriage from infidelity, exposure is one of the best tools if not the best to stop the affair.

It does not work 100% of the time to kill the affair, but certainly most of the time.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

ODAT said:


> Hearing from her own mother who cheated that many years ago she was finally able to see through the fog and she won't atop apologizing and crying. You'd think that would make me happy but all it does is confuse me as to if I want to keep this together. I think deep down I still do and that's why counseling is our next step. I know I have a long road to travel with this but I'm no longer afraid of losing her. Thanks for all the advice on her. I wouldn't have exposed her had it not been from these forums.


Career woman here & 35 years married. "The apple did not fall far from the tree"! Your parents in laws are not your allies. They are protecting their daughter.

Be prepared for your wife to do this again. She has poor boundaries. She did not stop her affair. Yes, she had an emotional/physical affair. She only stopped because her lover was fired and she got reprimanded. This affair would have continued, had you not intervened. You must be absolutely sure that her affair has stopped, before you engage in counselling. Otherwise, this will be a false reconciliation.

Sorry you are here.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

I am sorry to be a wet blanket, but I have a different take on the remorse that you think you are seeing. It is not.

First, I agree with shame. More so, embarrassment at her job finding out and being the subject of snickers and gossip. Secondly, her parent's finding out is also embarrassing. Who wants their parents to know their sexual escapades? Finally, there is no remorse. She is probably transferring her feelings of pain at learning that her dad was betrayed and that is what you see in her eyes. Daddy was hurt, She loves daddy. She feels bad. She did the same thing, so she hurt daddy except she hurt you. Its like transference. Sorry, but that is how I see it. 

Let me put my bias out there as well. I don't really get why remorse is such a sacred thing. Just because someone understands and appreciates that they hurt you by betraying you is no great achievement. It is sort of like saying, "I really understand how much it hurt you when I was stabbing you." Okay, great, now lets get back together!? That is not really directed to you, but simply so that you know where I am coming from. 

This new found feeling of power that you have is good, temporarily. It is probably more about feeling that you "hit" her back. Of course, in life, one cannot go eye for an eye to feel better. Exposure was required. It was good. I am just saying, the feeling of power is the thing to be controlled.

Lastly, if you are desiring to R, then whether she shows remorse, shame, guilt or utter disdain for you, you are gonna stay. Its your life. I would say that whatever you do, it should be for you. Is she safe for you? Do you deserve better? I know plenty will claim that your odds of picking another cheater again make her the best bet, I disagree. If you are thinking of her, my question would be, "why does she deserve you"? Don't make these choices because you are feeling powerful. Make these choices because you are being rational. Good luck.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

what steps is she doing to save this marriage...in other words shame and crying aside what kind of heavy lifting is she doing.....just work on yourself and see if she does anything to keep this marriage together.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ODAT said:


> Its been 5 days since I submitted a formal complaint against her and OM to her employer. It only took two before he was fired. She was also reprimanded but did not lose her job. I did not wait for her to find out that I was the one who sent the phone logs and pics to HR. The fallout was magnificent. For the first time I saw genuine shame in her eyes. I don't know why but I felt like a huge power shift had just taken place and I decided not to stop there. I called her parents and told them. Her mother and father both sides with me and immediately called her. They have been married 34 years and they told us a story that this very sent this g happened to them 7 years into there marriage. We were both floored as they seem like they have the perfect relationship. After the phone call I not only saw the genuine shame but for the first time I saw genuine remorse. But I also saw something in myself that wasn't there before I exposed her. I saw doubt, doubt that I even want to give her another chance. I came all this way though so we have agreed to seek both separate and couples counseling. I'm still hurt but I feel like I have gained allies. Hearing from her own mother who cheated that many years ago she was finally able to see through the fog and she won't atop apologizing and crying. You'd think that would make me happy but all it does is confuse me as to if I want to keep this together. I think deep down I still do and that's why counseling is our next step. I know I have a long road to travel with this but I'm no longer afraid of losing her. Thanks for all the advice on her. I wouldn't have exposed her had it not been from these forums.


Most who come here don't heed this advice and pay for it. You were decisive. Excellent work. You are in command of the situation now.

I would take the time and reflect on what YOU want to do. Reconciliation doesn't work for everyone. Some waste years and can never recover. You're young enough to start your life over. But that's a decision only you can make.

I wish you the best. You're doing well in a bad situation.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

*Don't rush into any decision *

*Take your time* and please do a modified 180 that will allow you to reach a decision that isn't influenced by your cheating wife

When ever you reach a decision there are enough of us here that have tried R .......some succeeded and a lot who haven't and there is a lot of people who will be able to help you through a D if that is what you decide

Well done for having the bvlls for taking your future back into your hands

IF you lean toward R - *DO NOT RUG SWEEP UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE*


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi Odat,

Wow, 3 months you suffered, you post here and in 7 days your life has done a 180. Based on my experience in the retail world I had no doubt they would fire him. Not just because of employes fornicating in the warehouse. It leads to people being promoted who shouldn't. It leads to good employes leaving. It creates an opportunity for large scale thief. Finally he was fired, but the store manager and anyone else above him got reamed and had a notation in their file for not seeing it and stoping it. Bottom line they are angry at both of them. She will be coming home frustrated and angry. Tough, it would not have been fair if he had given her aids, but hey you put yourself at risk - not my problem. Be Prepared, and do not let her blame shift. 

In talking to her parents did her dad's pain reach her? Did her mom share how she felt and how she healed their marriage?.

Roselyn and Bigfoot are both right to caution you. That is your future if you let up or handle your relationship with her. At some point she will scream "what do you want from me?". I. WANT YOU TO CRY FOR ME LIKE YOU DID FOR HIM,"

The 180 changes going forward you need to be: rock solid, patient, refuse all blame shifting as an excuse for the affair, kind but indifferent. Do not be cold or vindictive. More later.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Oh and no sex hugs, or kisses.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Make sure that one of your conditions for R is a timeline and full accounting of what she did during the A.

Repairing the M completely will not be possible if she is still hiding secrets about her A from you....plus those secrets will always sit there like a bomb waiting to go off.

For example, say you and your WW manage to move forward with your M and finally get back to a healthy spot....then somehow, it is exposed that it was really a PA and not just texts and pics.

In one moment, all the healing and progress you will have made will be undone because it will be exposed she has continued to lie to you after the A was over.

And remind her if she gets defensive or reluctant to reveal these things.....eventually, the details always come out.


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## ODAT (Sep 5, 2015)

JohnA said:


> Hi Odat,
> 
> Wow, 3 months you suffered, you post here and in 7 days your life has done a 180. Based on my experience in the retail world I had no doubt they would fire him. Not just because of employes fornicating in the warehouse. It leads to people being promoted who shouldn't. It leads to good employes leaving. It creates an opportunity for large scale thief. Finally he was fired, but the store manager and anyone else above him got reamed and had a notation in their file for not seeing it and stoping it. Bottom line they are angry at both of them. She will be coming home frustrated and angry. Tough, it would not have been fair if he had given her aids, but hey you put yourself at risk - not my problem. Be Prepared, and do not let her blame shift.
> 
> ...


This is the hard part for me. I see that she is upset and part of me wants to hold her and comfort her. But then the other part, the part that I guess has awakened wants nothing to do with her. That part wants her to lie in the bed that she has made. She was visibly upset and hearing that her mom cheated on her dad all those years ago. None of her brothers or sisters know this as it was never discussed. She looks at her mom as her hero, someone she has always felt that she wanted to become. It kind of burst her bubble. Her father called me this morning after my first post today and had another chat with me about remembering how grief stricken, angry, confused and heartbroken he was when he found out all those years ago. It's comforting knowing that even though each affair scenario is different, the feelings are nearly almost the same whether it's 1979 or 2015. He told me it took him many years to forgive his wife and that even though he has now he has never forgotten it. It's something that if you choose to stay, learning to live with the betrayal and how to put it behind you is the hardest part. But it can be done. 

He wants to protect his daughter as well as her mother also. But it in her mother's words "she has to wake the **** up and realize what she will lose". Coming from someone who also cheated as well as coming from the mouth of her own mother was comforting to me, just as her fathers phone call to me was. I have to work some long hours today and tomorrow and even though I want so badly to go home and sleep beside her I have decided to stay with a friend for a few weeks to give myself some space and time to think. Seeing her right now makes me want to comfort her and the other wants to pack her stuff up, so I need to get a way until I can start making decisions with my head instead of my heart. I've done this so far and refuse to relapse so I'm taking time off from her and am going to spend some time working on me. Thanks for the replies everyone, even from those I don't necessarily agree with.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

First of all, sorry that you're even here. 

Also, just take our advice to heart. I know you won't make a decision by a stranger on the Internet. 

Saying that, from the thousands of threads I've read in CWI section most affairs follow a pattern. Your wife probably was not looking for this to happen but it somehow did. She seen OM daily and small talk turns into more and more. She must of found him somewhat attractive and was able to open up more and more to him. 

She soon got the dopamine fix and was excited to see him. More than likely, you, became less and less attractive to her. Maybe sex started to fissle out. Most cheaters don't want to "cheat" on their affair partner by having sex with their spouse. 

If that did NOT happen in your marriage I'd be surprised. 

Next, when you found out the first time and told her to stop, it most likely could not because she was still feeling the dopamine hit when she saw him. That's why you caught her the second time. 


Now let's get to the part of was it a EA/PA. It is possible there was no sex, highly unlikely by reading what you wrote. 

A guy getting nude pics is only thinking of one thing, how fast can he screw her. And how many more times can he. Plus, she said she wished she had left with him that morning...and it wasn't for a coffee. 

Some BS can overcome a PA even when the wife is truly regretful. Others, or most cannot. 

Remember, cheaters are liars. And very good at it. Believe nothing that comes out of her mouth. Even now unless it is confirmed. You can ask both OM and your wife if the had sex till you're blue in the face, they will never tell you the truth. 

It seems the only option is a poly. I know what you feel about polys. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi Odat, 

I do understand what you are feeling. Her parents sound like good people who care for her, you and the marriage. Cautiously let them help to some degree. But remember they will protect her, without excusing what she did, if push came to shove. That is all you can ask of any parent. 

There are real issues at this time in your marriage that need resonation. Fr example being overwhelm about money, childcare, etc and how you handle them together and how you support each other. I also suspect your wife has a bit of a madonna ***** complex. 
I.e she may have wanted to do somethings with you, but held back because, well your her husband and good girls don't even think about those things, let alone do them. 

As to the WS, tell "I do not want to demesne first myself and then my wife (wife not her name) by lashing out in anger. Anger born of the pain and grief caused by your actions. I will not do to you what you did to me. If you cannot give me time to compose myself, or really want someone else, then just move on. 

To her parents, not to her, tell them you do wavy your family whole, but you just can't see how right now.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I see on your personal page you are reviewing emotional affairs, good. I get the need to understand the mech of what happened. Just remember the issues in your marriage need to be resolved separately from the adultery. They are different problems. The original issues cannot be resolved until she shows true remorse. 

Here are two links you maybe looking for:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/41508-emotional-affairs-sob-story.html see F102
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/privat...rriage-recently-found-out-2.html#post13105770


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Reconciliation will never get off the ground until your WW comes clean as to the full extent of the affair. You have to know what you are dealing with. Do not let her trickle truth (TT) you. Sit her down and tell her that she has one chance....ONE... to come completely clean about everything she did with the OM. Then tell her you will do you best to verify what she is telling you, and if you find out she lied? Immediate divorce.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi Odat.

There will have to come soon, that you accept what she says, or reject, period. Bandit is right about the need to fish or cut bait. If you decide not to. Move on and try to minimize the damage to your son. An Israelie on how asked how can she live there. "I do not live in fear, i live aware.". If you do reconcile do it fearlessly, but aware. Plan what to do if it fails, and precede to save your marriage. I think your in laws will be allies of the marriage, but tread carefully there, they do have a vested interest. 

Your out of the house to cool down, good. But you need to realize she could only done what she did because while in the fog she hated you. If she is remorseful, she is at home with your son in agony. This is and along with other reasons led to her EA. Before you go to bed tonight can you text her and say "I love you, I want us, I want our family. I want to be whole like your parents. Please believe this, and give me a chance to breath and maybe talk some more with your folks".


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

UDAT
If you decide to R, and I think you will, maybe you would consider this.

Tell her you are doing to divorce her so that you can kill the OLD relationship and see if you can build a new one. After you divorce she can be tested for the years to come and see if her remorse is real or just real for a few months.
*
You will know the truth when she is tested for a long time*. If she fails the tests then you are way ahead on building your life back up. If she does not fail the tests then you are in his driver’s seat and can decide if you want to marry her or not.

The method above will do a lot of things but it also will put the pressure more on her and less on you. That is where the pressure needs to be. She willfully put the whole family in this shyty situation so most of the consequences and rebuilding the wrong has to be on her shoulders.* If she is too weak to pass the tests then she will be too weak to resist another feeding of her ego from another OM.*


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

ODAT said:


> This is the hard part for me. I see that she is upset and part of me wants to hold her and comfort her. But then the other part, the part that I guess has awakened wants nothing to do with her. That part wants her to lie in the bed that she has made . . .


ODAT,

If you want a successful reconciliation, resist comforting her with every fiber of your being.

You've seen the fruits of dealing with her from a position of strength. You need keep this up. She needs to see that you don't need her and are prepared to divorce her if she screws up even a little bit. You won't achieve this by turning into pajama boy.

Of course, if you want to reconcile, at some point you must give her hope. So you also shouldn't abuse your new found power by lording it over her. But if you have to err, err on the side of firmness.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Hello again.

First of all Affair did not stop because she wanted it to stop. Affair stoped because her "dream guy" got fired.

They had sex for sure,you dont just send your nude photos just like that.
Your wife did not come clean,she is still lying to you.

She needs to change her job,you never knew who saw that photos and she is now "easy" in other man eyes.

I can bet my life that she never send you photos like she did to him.


Stay strong and good luck to you.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Have her write a time line and tell her it better be complete. If she is lying it will not be good. When she swears that is all then tell her she has to verify with a poly there is no more and she is not still lying. 

I bet she will crawdad fast!

Once had one of my parolees tell me the night shift at his job there was ALOT of weed smoking out back and sex in the cooler. I mentioned to main supv who dismissed it as night shift supv would not allow that.

A couple of weeks later almost the whole night shift at that WaB was fired. No wonder they could never get a burger right on nights.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hello Odat,

How are you and your son?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Good afternoon Odat.

It would appear that you want to reconcile, but are conflicted. In my late twenties I had an opportunity for a job interview with a company in a field I knew nothing about. I expressed reservations about even going on the interview to my brother, His comment, before you turn down a job, GET the job. 

I spent 16 years with that company,


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## ODAT (Sep 5, 2015)

JohnA said:


> Good afternoon Odat.
> 
> It would appear that you want to reconcile, but are conflicted. In my late twenties I had an opportunity for a job interview with a company in a field I knew nothing about. I expressed reservations about even going on the interview to my brother, His comment, before you turn down a job, GET the job.
> 
> I spent 16 years with that company,


I know I love her still but I'm still undecided as to if reconciliation will be possible. I may only be hanging onto that love as she is the mother of my children and also held my hand during some very rough periods of my life losing my sister and father. I have also started a journal writing about how I feel and contrasting this with how she felt during my own infidelity to her many years ago. Though we weren't married I had an emotional affair with an old high school flame after we found each other on Facebook. I don't think I ever grasped that though I wasn't physical with her I still very much indeed cheated on my wife who as then my fiance pregnant with our daughter. Looking back I did rugsweep and didn't understand why she was so upset for so long. I know this marriage has many problems and did before my wife cheated on me. I owe to myself and my children to give counseling an opportunity. I also owe it to the woman I married, to see if that person still exists somewhere inside her. 

She has quit her job as of yesterday to in her words "show me she is committed to working on us" and is now home with the kids fulltime again. I am back at home but sleeping on the couch. I haven't worn my wedding ring in sometime now as it triggers anger in me. I will keep peope informed on this thread as to how progress if any is being made. I'm sure my situation while painful is not unique. All I know right now is life is very short and I deserve to be happy, so do my children and even though my wife shattered her vows to me, she also deserves happiness. There is hope for my family even if reconciliation proves to be fruitless. I am a good father and she is a good mother, and regardless of what happens, we have a mutual agreement that our kids are the most important thing to us both.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

ODAT said:


> I know I love her still but I'm still undecided as to if reconciliation will be possible.


How can you decide anything untill you know the full details of her affair, the parameters will simply move if you decide anything based on insufficent infor ation


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Put your ring back on. I kept mine on till the ink was dry and my situation was worse. Did she long to shag him in your bed? Did daydream of her, her kids living happly ever after with him? Riddle me this, why did I do so? You will find a good reason. 

You not wearing it is sending a message of F you to her. Get the job before turning it down. Do not let your current anger deminish the possibilty of reconcilation. Have you read some of my other posts? Have you noticed how at heart I am a 2x4 type guy? So what is different with you? Something tells me you and her are different. 

You ask how can WE (yes we, you had ab EA first) ever trust each other again. It is possible if you understand the causes, red flags, and developing empathy for each other, it is that simple. The hard part right now is you cannot accept the reasons as anything other then justification for her actions, there bye making you the jerk loser who got what you dissevered.

Not true there is never a reason or excuss for what was done. The only question is how do you move forward. 

Your thoughts?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Well if nothing else you are on the right track. 

Be thankful you acted swiftly.

Your life is what you will make it.


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## rdawg (Aug 30, 2015)

Odat I want to tell you your thread has inspired me. I have not posted here yet but I have been lurking. My dday was 7 weeks ago. I didn't know about TAM and confronted too early, causing everything to go underground. After promises of changing jobs, nc, etc, nothing changed. I finally put the VOR in Friday. It only took 1 day in there to catch it still in action.

I just blew up the job with full exposure and also to the parents. I was hesitant until I read your thread.

Rock on brother!


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## ODAT (Sep 5, 2015)

rdawg said:


> Odat I want to tell you your thread has inspired me. I have not posted here yet but I have been lurking. My dday was 7 weeks ago. I didn't know about TAM and confronted too early, causing everything to go underground. After promises of changing jobs, nc, etc, nothing changed. I finally put the VOR in Friday. It only took 1 day in there to catch it still in action.
> 
> I just blew up the job with full exposure and also to the parents. I was hesitant until I read your thread.
> 
> Rock on brother!


I'm glad my thread was able to give you some juice to do the right thing. I also got the inspiration from the wonderful people here. It's a krappy thing the reason while all of us are here, but it is awesome to have a place where so many people can lean on each other. Every affair is unique as to why it happened and certainly unique for circumstances for reconciliation or divorce but the one thing that isn't unique is the life shattering feelings infidelity breeds. I wish you the best and sorry that you are here. Take solace that everyone that is here is glad you found us.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

#adds brass balls endorsement to ODAT's man card.

#Master Po voice. You have done well, grasshopper.

Seriously, Stick around. You seriously rocked a very bad situation AND rained fire down on the OM. You can give good advice as has been given to you.

Raining fire down on OM... My Klingon side. Approves!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What other 'rules' do you have in place?


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## ODAT (Sep 5, 2015)

turnera said:


> What other 'rules' do you have in place?


As part of my own 180 I only have one rule. That is if she contacts the OM or he contacts her and doesn't tell me about it then it's over. I will stop counseling and she will need to leave immediately. This time it won't be me leaving for few days to cool off. She will leave permanently. I do have another rule she has agreed to, she will sign a prenuptial agreement at the end of our counseling sessions. And until those sessions are over we can spend time together and with our kids but we will not be intimate in anyway shape or form. This has hurt her a great deal, far more than even exposing to her employer but it isn't to punish her but to protect me.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

You did better than me and I don't say that often.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Man o man, you are owing it. The part about refusing intimacy to protect your self, awesome dude !! You are right, this is the thing that hits home the hardest to a woman.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

JohnA said:


> Put your ring back on. I kept mine on till the ink was dry and my situation was worse.


Completely disagree. You do not know if his is worse because it is all relative. Also, he doesn't have all of the information. 

If it causes anger then it needs to be removed to move forward. If she doesn't understand, then she isn't ready for reconciliation or marriage counseling.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

JohnA said:


> Man o man, you are owing it. The part about refusing intimacy to protect your self, awesome dude !! You are right, this is the thing that hits home the hardest to a woman.


Sarcasm right? Bazinga....


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

No woodchuck,

It is not in the least. He is granting compassion from strength not weakness. It is a win win since first he is in the home with the kids. Second he is willing to consider an attempt to reconcile within his boundares.

Philly,

Just as a WS trickle truths the BS, posters are slow to provide a complete picture. I picked up on the fact he just told us his EA from several years earlier in their relationship and now he has both a daughter and a son. This actually makes the wife's behavior worst. She know's what it is like to be on the other end and she did it to him, long after anyone could try the lame excuse that it was an RA,

The question is: does she get it.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

JohnA said:


> Just as a WS trickle truths the BS, posters are slow to provide a complete picture. I picked up on the fact he just told us his EA from several years earlier in their relationship and now he has both a daughter and a son. This actually makes the wife's behavior worst. She know's what it is like to be on the other end and she did it to him, long after anyone could try the lame excuse that it was an RA,
> 
> The question is: does she get it.


You said wear the ring and his situation wasn't as bad as yours. That's what I disagreed with from your earlier post.


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## ODAT (Sep 5, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> You said wear the ring and his situation wasn't as bad as yours. That's what I disagreed with from your earlier post.


I put my ring back on because I gave a vow that I still stand by. If and when the time comes I will remove it. 3 months ago I felt I was holding onto my WW by a thread, doing all the work to try and repair what had happened. I spent many weeks blaming myself and graveling and revealing all the methods of discovery to try and prove my honesty and worth to her. That thinking was misguided. Just as when i had my own EA it was me who did the reading of the damage I caused. It was me who apologized over and over and ceased contact with my AP immediately. My WW did not do this when I found out. She went underground and stayed there until I discovered more. It took a great deal of strength to expose her and the OM and to see the big picture. I will not fall into the trap of false reconciliation, but I have also decided not to let anger, sadness or grief make the decisions for me. I have put much effort into my family just as my WW once did before she strayed. Nothing excuses what she did or what I did long ago. But I owe it to myself and to my children to see if the person I married is still in there somewhere. Time will tell if that person is still here or has long been gone. I am OK with that now. This is something I could not say a few weeks ago.


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

For what's it's worth - wish I had come to my senses or found TAM and did what you did after my Dday. It was 6 months past and she was long gone before TAMers helped me piece my life back together. I don't regret my decision to divorce her, but I regret not having TAM in my corner from day 1. Maybe my marriage could have been saved. Maybe not. 

Either way I'm happy with my life and no regrets pulling me down. But I wish I could have had the opportunities you have now. Nicely done. Best wishes for your family moving forward.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I'm sorry you're going through this ODAT. I know you feel broken and weak but your actions that admirable and have woken your wife up to what she has. I wish more would follow your path. You now have choices that wouldn't be there if you'd given into fear.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

ODAT said:


> I put my ring back on because I gave a vow that I still stand by. If and when the time comes I will remove it. 3 months ago I felt I was holding onto my WW by a thread, doing all the work to try and repair what had happened. I spent many weeks blaming myself and graveling and revealing all the methods of discovery to try and prove my honesty and worth to her. That thinking was misguided. Just as when i had my own EA it was me who did the reading of the damage I caused. It was me who apologized over and over and ceased contact with my AP immediately. My WW did not do this when I found out. She went underground and stayed there until I discovered more. It took a great deal of strength to expose her and the OM and to see the big picture. I will not fall into the trap of false reconciliation, but I have also decided not to let anger, sadness or grief make the decisions for me. I have put much effort into my family just as my WW once did before she strayed. Nothing excuses what she did or what I did long ago. But I owe it to myself and to my children to see if the person I married is still in there somewhere. Time will tell if that person is still here or has long been gone. I am OK with that now. This is something I could not say a few weeks ago.


You do what you have to do. Still, you took it off for awhile and that wasn't wrong as implied.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Good job.

Your wife will hopefully be very attentive to her duties and responsibilities. You, too, won't take things for granted.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

The key to a successful relationship, is that the relationship has to be more important then we are as individuals. As you have discovered the exposure is stimulation for her remorse, which allows you to forgive (if you choose). However, at some point in time you have to start to build back up the relationship. These are things that you should be discovering in counseling and in reading. Not everyone can reconcile, if you are in that category, then counseling should be used to learn how to coparent. Personally, I believe that most relationships can be fixed, if both parties work to solve the problems. The key is not to go back to where you were, but to create a new and stronger relationship.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

ODAT said:


> But I owe it to myself and to my children to see if the person I married is still in there somewhere. Time will tell if that person is still here or has long been gone. I am OK with that now. This is something I could not say a few weeks ago.


How is she treating you ODAT? Is she there in body and spirit or only singing the blues about how ashamed she is that everybody knows about her shenanigans? Hint: Does she not feel like doing anything because she's depressed over all of it. 
BH have a bad habit of looking at the WW expressing remorse as the litmus test for a successful reconciliation. Remorse takes many forms. How many times have you read, "she's sorry for the affair but avoids sex"? The real test is if your back to being the cat's pajamas and if they melt in your arms. A woman in love with you wants to feel you inside of them. Make no mistake about it.


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## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

She's certainly the culprit but when you mess with another guy's wife you don't know what the response may be.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi Odat.

First hopr things are well with you and your children.

Second: how are you and your wife doing? Although I never attempted reconciliation, I have thought on the the pit falls of why reconcilation fails between two people who do belong together. 

First triggers: in the end I think the WS primary fails to grasp that these triggers are prement to one degree or another. Over time they may evolve into different expressions, but the underlining cause remain the same. You both need to understand this and develop coping skills. I read nightmare's thread last night, it illistrates this point.

Second: the original fault lines remain that caused the adultery remain, unresolved. I believe it is because these faults become so intertwine that one or both of the spouses cannot separate the two. So for example the BS only sees them as excuses or reason that justify the adultery. Since there is never an excused or reason for adultery, the faults are also bogus. And so the cycle continues.

Hope to hear from you soon, John


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Swift, decisive. You accomplished in three months what takes many others, three years to.

I played my pity party for a few weeks too but that was it. Forward on..... we D in Feb '13. No regrets.

I left everything on the field. Onward I went


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