# My wife knows she isn't as attractive as she could be...



## m46226 (May 6, 2012)

Hi there.

I am a long-time lurker and a first time poster

My wife is 24 years old, 5'7" and around 185 pounds. When we got together three years ago, she was around 195 pounds. She has always had a great shape, but she is obviously softer than she would like to be. She is also admittedly not very skilled with hair or make-up, and she is constantly complaining that she feels that she looks like a "fat man" and that she can't understand why I am with her. I understand that a certain amount of feeling undesirable is common with all women, but I just feel really badly for her.

I'm not sure how I should be trying to deal with this situation. I think that she is beautiful and I always have, and I'm just as attracted to her as I have I have always been - still passionate about sex, as is she. I tell her this pretty frequently, but it doesn't really seem to matter to her.

I am 32 years old, 5'10" and about 165 pounds. When we got together, I was around 195 pounds. Since we have been married, I have been able to change my body quite a bit through weights and diet. My wife has told me that she is definitely more attracted to me now than she was the first time that she saw me shirtless. I definitely have a long way to go before I am where I want to be physically, and truth be told... I'm scrawny with a pot belly and a few more visible muscles than before. 

Honestly, I feel like she knows what she needs to do to get where she wants to be. I just don't feel like she is willing to do what it will take. Despite my own evidence to the contrary, she is convinced that she needs to do lots of cardio or any changes in diet will not matter... But that's pretty much the opposite of reality, as I have learned. The dietary changes are the most important thing, but I don't think she is willing to switch to diet soda or make pizza a once a week thing or stop eating bakery bread as a meal or stop with the emotional eating of the sweets. 

Has anyone else dealt with this sort of situation? I just want her to be healthy and feel beautiful.

Thanks in advance. 

M.


----------



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

m46226 said:


> Hi there. I just want her to be healthy and feel beautiful.
> 
> Thanks in advance.
> 
> M.


Take a simple tip: you'd never be able to change her unless she wants to herself.

[I am trying to change my wife for far too long, huge mistake!!!]

:You can't help people who don't want to help themselves.

You can support her, though, when she will be willing to take the steps.

BTW, Lines like "I don't know why you are with me" are alarming as it shows that she lack major self esteem. This is never good. But remember you can't make her happy unless she decides to be happy.

Just think of it: if we'd be able to change our wives the way we want them to be, this whole forum would have not existed


----------



## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

Perhaps you guys could find physical things to do together: take walks and hold hands (reinforcing that you love her and value spending time with her even when you're not being sexual). During the walks you could tell her how blessed you feel to be with her (reinforcing that you love her inside and out).

Or maybe get one of the interactive game consoles. So instead of sitting on the couch eating pizza, you two can be active and have a little friendly competition. (Again, reinforcing that you enjoy spending time with her).

Just thoughts...


----------



## m46226 (May 6, 2012)

Hi there. Just wanted to drop a quick note to say thanks or the input and suggestions.

I wouldn't be interested in changing her at all if she wasn't constantly expressing how unhappy she is with her looks. I still never chime in with suggestions unless she asks me directly. It is such a hard situation because she fishes for anything that she can take as an insult and disregards any heartfelt compliments that I give her... I can't exactly lay it on thick with her, because she will call me out on it - she knows that she is way out of shape and that she doesn't really know how to put herself together. 

I know about having low self esteem but I also know that it is different for women. For me, I looked at myself when we got together and saw that I was 8 years older than her and had never been in good shape my entire life. I decided that I wanted to look good and be healthy and be a better physical animal not only for me, but for her and for our relationship. I deserve it, she deserves it, and we definitely deserve it. I think she feels the same way but there are just so many excuses. I never push her on it either, but she seems to take my progress as a slap in the face... Despite the fact that she loves it.


----------



## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Your lucky. Your wife is plenty young enough, to shed that weight off pretty effortlessly. My wife weighs the same, same height, but 12 years older. She once weighed more, around 215, but was able to knock off 60 lbs prior to our 3rd child.

Like mentioned above... she has to really, really want to do it. If she approaches it half azzed, she's going to get half azzed results. Has she alwasy been a "big girl?" What i mean by that is, if she's always hovered around this weight since her teens, she may have become used to it, thus making it harder for her to let it go mentally.


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Take a nutrition course together. Let someone else teach her how to eat properly. And just make it your lifestyle, period. Proper eating and exercise, that's what you learn, show, lead, and follow. Leave her weight out of it, for now.

No point in lying about her weight. 
It's great that you feel she is beautiful. She also knows that society in general does not find her size attractive. So be honest. Really.

If it's more than just health, and you would find her more attractive, then say so. You are happy with 3 stars, but 5 stars would be fantastic. It's not you being shallow, that is how society views it. 

As for health, if a person is eating well, getting regular exercise, and is not more than 25 lbs overweight, they can still be "healthy".

Being thin does not being healthy. So what does it mean to you?
Start with that.


----------



## Masil78 (Mar 20, 2012)

deejov said:


> No point in lying about her weight.
> It's great that you feel she is beautiful. She also knows that society in general does not find her size attractive. So be honest. Really.
> 
> If it's more than just health, and you would find her more attractive, then say so. You are happy with 3 stars, but 5 stars would be fantastic. It's not you being shallow, that is how society views it.


I would not recommend going that route at all. Your wife already has an extremely low self-esteem, so saying "hey honey, you're at 3 stars now but you could be 5 stars if you work out" is only going to make it worse. I do normally advocate total honesty in a relationship, but this type of honesty can only do harm. If she asks point blank though, you should be honest.

Start making an effort to cook with her. This is a fun activity you can do together, and you can make healthier meals. Stop going out to eat altogether (you'll save a ton of money that way too). 

I agree with the other posters that have said you should do physical activities with her. It's easier to stay motivated to exercise if you have someone to do it with. 

I think she also needs some therapy. She needs to be more healthy inside and out, and that includes improving her self- esteem. You giving her compliments probably won't change how she feels about herself inside. She will never be totally healthy until she can take charge of her self-esteem and feel better mentally. Mental healing may also motivate her to become more physically active and it will only make your relationship stronger.


----------

