# trust in my marriage



## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

My husband and I are recently married for 2 months now. We got married after knowing each other for 6 months. I was set up with him by a good friend, her boyfriend played on a baseball team and she said that there was this guy on his team that she knew I would like and I should come to a game with her to meet him. So I went and when I saw him I just knew that he had everything I wanted in a man. He was sexy, kind, charming, confident, and had a great personality. After the game, we talked like we had known each other for years. Anyway he said come back to my apartment and I have to take a shower and we can go out after that and have dinner and drinks. When we got back to his apartment, well lets just say we didn't make it to dinner, we just made it to the shower together. I was never like that with anyone, I didn't sleep with anyone on the first date, ever but I couldn't help it with him. He obviously had been with a lot of women, I could tell just by the sex. I just had no idea how many until after we got married. It came up just lying in bed one night we were watching the movie whats your number, and he asked me. I am 10 which I thought was a lot. I asked him his and he said 54. He said he has a list that he keeps with everyone on it. Anyway I found out where he had the list and looked at it. I was curious if I knew any of them. I was shocked to see my friends name that set us up on there, I don't know if I should ask him about it or not say anything because I was just snooping, he doesn't know I found out where the list is. Now I'm wondering how many times they hooked up, was it before me? And can they be left alone together, she spends a lot of time over at our place. I just didn't know what to do or say to him or her about this.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Ex's should not be anywhere near a relationship unless there are kids involved. Up to you to deal with how you found out.


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

You need to Un-friend your friend. Why wouldn't she have told you that she had already slept with him/dated him? Why is she over your house all the time? She is not your friend. 

Not quite sure what to do about his list. It sure does show a lack of maturity that he has one and worse, he has kept it. Is your name on the list? Hopefully there are none after your name. I think I would hold back on letting on to anyone that you have seen the list. Dump your girlfriend first and see if he has anything to say about that.

Good luck!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Dude's been with 54 women that you know about. Unless you can get him to move to Wyoming you are going to occasionally bump into one of his conquests. Your friend isn't a threat to your relationship. A guy who gets around and who seems to be trying to win a prize for it might be a problem. You've married a guy who nailed you the first day he saw you and who maintains a rather lengthy list. You are wondering if you can trust him to not have sex with other women? I think both of you have reasons to be concerned but either you will both choose to be faithful or you won't. If trust and sexual faithfulness in a partner were really important to you was it wise to pick a guy who nailed 54 women and maintained a written by-name list? Wasn't that list betraying the trust of all 54 women? Wasn't snooping through his private stuff a violation of his trust? Is this friend of your's really your biggest reason for concern?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'll be the contrarian, here. Your friend set you up with him. She was/is done with him - they were probably just a bit of fun for each other, but remained friends. If she is faithful in her relationship, and he is faithful to you, there isn't any problem that I can see. If you question their commitment to their current relationships, then perhaps there is cause for caution. Otherwise, why all the paranoia and hysteria, just because they previously had sex? He has no obligation to tell you about everyone he slept with, it really isn't any of your business, and your friend has no obligation to inform you about her past either. She thought he'd be a good match for you, and that's how it turned out. Good deed done, so accept that.

I'm close friends with exes I've slept with or had a relationship with. My wife is friends with some of her exes. It's never been a problem and is unlikely to ever be one. These exes are friends of our relationship. I'm friendly with most of her exes, and she is with mine as well. If they ever act in a way that could create problems they're history - but unless that happens, they're good friends to have and keep.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Sun Catcher said:


> You need to Un-friend your friend. Why wouldn't she have told you that she had already slept with him/dated him? Why is she over your house all the time? She is not your friend.
> 
> Not quite sure what to do about his list. It sure does show a lack of maturity that he has one and worse, he has kept it.
> 
> Good luck!


Disagree.

Considering condoms aren't a guarantee of protection from STD's and many STD's don't show up for months or even years, it's a good idea for a promiscuous person to keep track of their partners in case they need to be notified of possible exposure to an STD.

Between 15 and 24, I was fairly promiscuous. Some of may partners were ONS and others a short term thing with still others being more long term. I have a piss poor memory, so when I realized my partner count reached double digits, I thought a list might be a good idea. The list wasn't for sentimental reasons, or a brag list, or anything of the sort. It was just a way to remember names in case I came up positive for an STD and needed to contact them. I kept my list until DH and I had been together for a few years and I was sure that I had never contracted anything I'd have to notify former partners about. Then I tossed it.

A close friend of mine found out she had chlamydia and a baby on the way in the same day. I drove her to her appointment and was Johnny on the Spot. It sucked. First thing the doctor did when he came in with her test results? Ask her to make a list of former partners and whatever contact info she might have for them so that the health department could notify them they needed to be tested. 

Becca, I think you should simply talk to your husband and friend. Ask them the nature of their former relationship. Did they date and it didn't work out? Was it a one time thing? Were they just FWB's for a while until it fizzled out? Why didn't they tell you? Get some information before deciding how you want to handle this.

I don't see this as a trust issue unless you asked each other about your sexual histories before you married and he lied. Lying about his number of partners or who they were is one thing, but if you married him without asking, it's a bit unfair to get upset over it now.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

His number is almost identical to mine but I never kept a list. The list is a little disturbing.

Communication. Should have started before the shower but me and my wife were almost the same so I get it.

Talk to him about everything. Marriage is about honesty and knowing each other.

Your friend is a bit strange to not disclose that information to you first.

I would be having some talk with her about it soon.

You can decide what to do after your conversations but I would be pretty mad if I were in your shoes.

The dishonesty / lack of openness would bother me the most from my spouse and my friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> I'll be the contrarian, here. Your friend set you up with him. She was/is done with him - they were probably just a bit of fun for each other, but remained friends. If she is faithful in her relationship, and he is faithful to you, there isn't any problem that I can see. If you question their commitment to their current relationships, then perhaps there is cause for caution. Otherwise, why all the paranoia and hysteria, just because they previously had sex? He has no obligation to tell you about everyone he slept with, it really isn't any of your business, and your friend has no obligation to inform you about her past either. She thought he'd be a good match for you, and that's how it turned out. Good deed done, so accept that.
> 
> I'm close friends with exes I've slept with or had a relationship with. My wife is friends with some of her exes. It's never been a problem and is unlikely to ever be one. These exes are friends of our relationship. I'm friendly with most of her exes, and she is with mine as well. If they ever act in a way that could create problems they're history - but unless that happens, they're good friends to have and keep.


Be fair. You are wired a little differently than the average bear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> Disagree.
> 
> Considering condoms aren't a guarantee of protection from STD's and many STD's don't show up for months or even years, it's a good idea for a promiscuous person to keep track of their partners in case they need to be notified of possible exposure to an STD.
> 
> ...


I understand your logic but there is a yuk factor to keeping a list.:surprise:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Double post somehow - see below for correct version.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> He has no obligation to tell you about everyone he slept with, it really isn't any of your business


This is something I agree/disagree with you on.

If you're considering a serious relationship or even just a ONS, how many people your partner has had sex with before you and how careful s/he was when going about it is a reasonable question to ask. It's about compatibility and risk assessment. But, no, there is no obligation to answer.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Be fair. You are wired a little differently than the average bear.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Perhaps, but I have no more tolerance for cheating than anyone else. I may be less prone to jealousy, and more trusting, but then I expect people I choose to be in my life to be ethical. So far, that's been a very safe bet.

I also look at it this way. Mate guarding behavior may sometimes prevent cheating, but someone who is inclined to do so will find a way to do so anyway. I'd rather give someone all the freedom ("rope" to hang themselves) to see their true nature and behavior, and deal with the reality rather than the possibility. I will observe and be aware, but I don't want the role of policing someone's thoughts and actions. I _will_ be the judge and impose consequences IF a partner does something that makes it necessary. Until then, it's nicer to live in trust than in fear.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> I understand your logic but there is a yuk factor to keeping a list.:surprise:
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You must be blessed with a good memory!

Back when I was single, casual sex partners weren't a big deal and therefore not something my mind retained as needed information. Unless the guy was very skilled, we had a LOT of chemistry, and he made an impression on me, I was pretty likely to forget he even existed.

Which is why I made the list. Because a GF and I were talking about mutual friends we hadn't seen in a year or so, she said something along the lines of "Didn't you sleep with him a couple years ago at that party I hosted?" and I realized A) Yes, I did and B) I totally forgot about it.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I would stop being such close friends with your gf. I don't like people coming over to my house often. I like my friends but from a distant.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Perhaps, but I have no more tolerance for cheating than anyone else. I may be less prone to jealousy, and more trusting, but then I expect people I choose to be in my life to be ethical. So far, that's been a very safe bet.
> 
> I also look at it this way. Mate guarding behavior may sometimes prevent cheating, but someone who is inclined to do so will find a way to do so anyway. I'd rather give someone all the freedom ("rope" to hang themselves) to see their true nature and behavior, and deal with the reality rather than the possibility. I will observe and be aware, but I don't want the role of policing someone's thoughts and actions. I _will_ be the judge and impose consequences IF a partner does something that makes it necessary. Until then, it's nicer to live in trust than in fear.


I know you are firm against cheating and your mindset. I was talking about allowing previous, or current, extramarital sex partners in the relationship.

Most aren't as easy going as you about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> You must be blessed with a good memory!
> 
> Back when I was single, casual sex partners weren't a big deal and therefore not something my mind retained as needed information. Unless the guy was very skilled, we had a LOT of chemistry, and he made an impression on me, I was pretty likely to forget he even existed.
> 
> Which is why I made the list. Because a GF and I were talking about mutual friends we hadn't seen in a year or so, she said something along the lines of "Didn't you sleep with him a couple years ago at that party I hosted?" and I realized A) Yes, I did and B) I totally forgot about it.


Not to belittle you but humans have always had extremely high priority in my mind.

They are not commodities to be consumed and flushed or tossed.

The only reason I was promiscuous was do to childhood pain.

I know your values might have changed after some aging and marriage, maybe not, but treating people like consumables in any form, makes me ill.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> Disagree.
> 
> Considering condoms aren't a guarantee of protection from STD's and many STD's don't show up for months or even years, it's a good idea for a promiscuous person to keep track of their partners in case they need to be notified of possible exposure to an STD.
> 
> ...


this. this is what i would recommend also.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I know you are firm against cheating and your mindset. I was talking about allowing previous, or current, extramarital sex partners in the relationship.
> 
> Most aren't as easy going as you about it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh, I know! The interesting question to me is the WHY of these different attitudes. Are they rational? realistic? instinct based? fear based? experienced based? or what? How often do these fears materialize? Probably can't be answered in any definitive way, but worth thinking about and perhaps helps one make choices, IMO.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Not to belittle you but humans have always had extremely high priority in my mind.
> 
> They are not commodities to be consumed and flushed or tossed.
> 
> ...


I really hope the coffee kicked in so I don't mess this up too badly. 

I've always been a practical girl. I learned by watching and by doing. What I found is that sex can be an act of love, sharing, and even be life changing or it could have as much significance as going out to lunch and then parting ways.

Do you remember everyone you've ever had a lunch or coffee date with? Probably not. Especially if nothing of note happened or the person was not a regular part of your life.

Does not remembering insignificant details of a brief meeting with someone mean you think of people as commodities or consumables? No. It just means you knew a lot of people and not all of them were a big enough part of your life that you'd remember them without something triggering the memory.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Oh, I know! The interesting question to me is the WHY of these different attitudes. Are they rational? realistic? instinct based? fear based? experienced based? or what? How often do these fears materialize? Probably can't be answered in any definitive way, but worth thinking about and perhaps helps one make choices, IMO.


Not really insecurity or fear, or even overly emotional, jealousy or envy.

I'm territorial when it comes to a sex partner and especially my wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Becca, I've never been a fan of discussing how many partners a spouse had before. The number is not going to be much of an indicator whether they stay loyal, unless perhaps the number is the partners they had while in a committed relationship. The business I was in resulting in significantly more partners than your spouse, but after I closed up shop and married my wife, I have not had the desire to sleep with other women. On the contrary, it taught me that women have basically the same plumbing so I had little more to experience or wonder about. 
Although his number was in the fifty and probably a good bit above average, you being at ten means you probably had some pretty good shellackings before ya'll met. It probably doesn't faze him in the least.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> I really hope the coffee kicked in so I don't mess this up too badly.
> 
> I've always been a practical girl. I learned by watching and by doing. What I found is that sex can be an act of love, sharing, and even be life changing or it could have as much significance as going out to lunch and then parting ways.
> 
> ...


I hear you about the coffee! LOL!

Yes. I remember everyone. I placed a much higher priority having sex than having lunch.

You didn't but it hasn't impacted your marriage so no biggy.
If some sexual encounters were the same as having lunch then people were a bit of a casual commodity as well as yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

So I decided after reading these posts, that it was best if I talk to my friend before I mentioned it to my husband. First she said that her and my husband were just FWB prior to me meeting him. They were both single at the time it was nothing more than sex. She was completely honest and said they probably had sex 10 times. It wasn't love, it was just a physical attraction. She said she was gonna tell me, but since I fell in love with him the moment I saw him she didnt want to ruin anything for me. She said that she had known him for awhile, and she had never seen him look at anyone like he looked at me. She said she had never seen me look at anyone the way I looked at him. So she thought it best to leave their history in the past. I have nothing to worry about and I should have just trusted that my husband worships the ground I walk on, he may have slept with a lot of women, but I'm the one he married and loves.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Good to know but hopefully your friend understood your concerns and her lack of disclosure would bother many folks.

I'm not nice. There would have been hell to pay for both my wife and friend if I were in your situation.

Your H needs to learn to communicate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Good to know but hopefully your friend understood your concerns and her lack of disclosure would bother many folks.
> 
> I'm not nice. There would have been hell to pay for both my wife and friend if I were in your situation.
> 
> ...


She understood that I was disappointed in her. I told her what they did before I met them is their business. I said I don't care that they had sex, what bothered me was no one ever told me and I had to find out like this


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

beccamoo123 said:


> She understood that I was disappointed in her. I told her what they did before I met them is their business. I said I don't care that they had sex, what bothered me was no one ever told me and I had to find out like this


Bingo!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

Sun Catcher said:


> You need to Un-friend your friend. Why wouldn't she have told you that she had already slept with him/dated him? Why is she over your house all the time? She is not your friend.
> 
> Not quite sure what to do about his list. It sure does show a lack of maturity that he has one and worse, he has kept it. Is your name on the list? Hopefully there are none after your name. I think I would hold back on letting on to anyone that you have seen the list. Dump your girlfriend first and see if he has anything to say about that.
> 
> Good luck!


I ended up talking to her, and I thought I got the answer. But then I went back and looked at the list and her name was after mine, not before mine, so now I think its possible that she was lying to me and they've been having sex after I met him.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

so you have been together 8 months? you are going thru the normal learning to trust phase and this information is harming that. whether he is a cheater or not in reality he is in your mind and therefore you will not fully develop the trust a marriage must have. So you need to either let this go and learn to trust until proven otherwise, or go ahead and divorce now to save the headache down the road. 

Sorry to be so blunt, but that is it in a nutshell. Even if you go to counseling together learning to trust and be trustworthy is what you must do in order to stay together.


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

happy2gether said:


> so you have been together 8 months? you are going thru the normal learning to trust phase and this information is harming that. whether he is a cheater or not in reality he is in your mind and therefore you will not fully develop the trust a marriage must have. So you need to either let this go and learn to trust until proven otherwise, or go ahead and divorce now to save the headache down the road.
> 
> Sorry to be so blunt, but that is it in a nutshell. Even if you go to counseling together learning to trust and be trustworthy is what you must do in order to stay together.


Its hard to trust when I constantly have that in the back of my mind, just wondering if my friend was truthful, why would her name be after mine? Even if she was telling the truth, they did it enough that there had to be enough of a attraction between them to do it that much. Its not like it was once.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

beccamoo123 said:


> Its hard to trust when I constantly have that in the back of my mind, just wondering if my friend was truthful, why would her name be after mine? Even if she was telling the truth, they did it enough that there had to be enough of a attraction between them to do it that much. Its not like it was once.


Now THAT is a problem.

So I guess his list is chronological?

Is it possible he was having sex with others after he started dating you?

Hope you get to the bottom of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Now THAT is a problem.
> 
> So I guess his list is chronological?
> 
> ...


I think its chronological, shes the only name after me so I don't think theirs anyone else.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Then he cheated with your "friend".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

beccamoo123 said:


> Its hard to trust when I constantly have that in the back of my mind, just wondering if my friend was truthful, *why would her name be after mine?* Even if she was telling the truth, they did it enough that there had to be enough of a attraction between them to do it that much. Its not like it was once.


exactly! Why would her name be after yours if the list is in chronological order? 

You didn't answer my question in my previous post. Why is she over your place 'all the time' ? Is she alone with or does she text/call your husband on her own? 

You should probably speak with your husband now and come clean. Hopefully it isn't too late and they have not had time to get their stories straight between them.

If you can, check his phone for calls/messages to/from her.


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

Sun Catcher said:


> exactly! Why would her name be after yours if the list is in chronological order?
> 
> You didn't answer my question in my previous post. Why is she over your place 'all the time' ? Is she alone with or does she text/call your husband on her own?
> 
> ...


She comes over a lot because she doesn't really get along with her roommate, I gave her a key to the apartment so she could come and go as she wants. I know they text with each other, but I never bothered to look at his phone to see what they talked about. That's my point, I think I got half truth from my friend, she said they ****ed around 10 times, but I think its was after I met him.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

beccamoo123 said:


> She comes over a lot because she doesn't really get along with her roommate, I gave her a key to the apartment so she could come and go as she wants. I know they text with each other, but I never bothered to look at his phone to see what they talked about. That's my point, I think I got half truth from my friend, she said they ****ed around 10 times, but I think its was after I met him.


How long after you and your husband met did both of you make the decision to be exclusive with each other? Mutually agreed to being exclusive?


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Then he cheated with your "friend".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think your right


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

beccamoo123 said:


> I think its chronological, shes the only name after me so I don't think theirs anyone else.


Becca, have you asked your husband if he slept with any woman since the two of you "meet" that first day? You do not have to reveal that you know about the list.

At what point did you and husband decide to be "exclusive" to each other, meaning no sex with others? Was it at the same time? And did he have sex with anyone else after that point?


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> How long after you and your husband met did both of you make the decision to be exclusive with each other? Mutually agreed to being exclusive?


Maybe about 2 weeks, maybe 3.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Why did you get married so quickly? Was there any reason that he needed to get married?


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Becca, have you asked your husband if he slept with any woman since the two of you "meet" that first day? You do not have to reveal that you know about the list.
> 
> At what point did you and husband decide to be "exclusive" to each other, meaning no sex with others? Was it at the same time? And did he have sex with anyone else after that point?


I haven't, no. I guess I'm gonna have to. I didn't know when I slept with him that first time he had been with so many women, I could tell he had been with a lot just based on the sex, but I didn't know it was that many. And I don't know why she would set me up with him, if he was sleeping with her when she set us up. I don't think she would do that, it makes me think it probably happened after I met him. I tell her everything about him, everything.


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

beccamoo123 said:


> She comes over a lot because she doesn't really get along with her roommate, I gave her a key to the apartment so she could come and go as she wants. I know they text with each other, but I never bothered to look at his phone to see what they talked about. That's my point, I think I got half truth from my friend, she said they ****ed around 10 times, but I think its was after I met him.


Beccamoo, I am so sorry you are in this position. You need to get your key back or change your locks. No GF should have a key to your home. Next, get a hold of your husband's and even your GF's phone if you can. I bet you will discover what you need to know from either one of them. 

So, it is very possible GF is home alone with your husband at times? I'd get a VAR under the bed and one in his vehicle if you can.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

You have two related but separate issues. The first issue is whether your friend slept with your husband before or after you met him. The second issue is your friend's ready access to your apartment and your husband. The typical advice you will get here is no contact with exs. Why does she need a key or need access to your apartment when YOU are not there?

For the first issue, if you REALLY NEED to know, ask each of them when was the first and last time they slept together. Then compare their answers. Really think hard how important that is for you to know and what you might do next once you know the answers. 

For the second issue, even if your friend stopped having sex with your husband two weeks before you met him, are you now comfortable still being around her knowing what you know now?

BTW, I re-read your initial post and find it odd that your husband told you he has a list. Like, what was he thinking you would do with that information.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Then he cheated with your "friend".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Only if they had agreed to be exclusive by then. If not, they were both free agents even if falling for each other. Even if not exclusive, it's not a good situation, given that you all know each other so well.

So, I can see that this is a huge concern. Equally, I see the short time you dated before marrying as a red flag for your relationship. Yes, it happens, and sometimes works out well, but I think a short courtship is a huge risk factor for relationship stability and longevity. You essentially married a stranger at the peak of hormone-induced attraction.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Only if they had agreed to be exclusive by then. If not, they were both free agents even if falling for each other. Even if not exclusive, it's not a good situation, given that you all know each other so well.
> 
> So, I can see that this is a huge concern. Equally, I see the short time you dated before marrying as a red flag for your relationship. Yes, it happens, and sometimes works out well, but I think a short courtship is a huge risk factor for relationship stability and longevity. You essentially married a stranger at the peak of hormone-induced attraction.


Maybe but if lover boy and the friend had sex at least ten times after OP started having sex with him then the odds are extremely slim.

It, as you say, also casts a serious shadow of doubt on this whole cluster of a relationship.

Pretty shytty to set your friend up with someone and then fvck their brains out a dozen times or so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> You have two related but separate issues. The first issue is whether your friend slept with your husband before or after you met him. The second issue is your friend's ready access to your apartment and your husband. The typical advice you will get here is no contact with exs. Why does she need a key or need access to your apartment when YOU are not there?
> 
> For the first issue, if you REALLY NEED to know, ask each of them when was the first and last time they slept together. Then compare their answers. Really think hard how important that is for you to know and what you might do next once you know the answers.
> 
> ...


So I asked her she said that it was 10 times before she set me up with him, I asked him he said that it was a lot, I pressed him for a number of times he said he guessed maybe 20 or 30. He said the last time was probably 2 months after he met me, they had decided from the beginning that it was just sex, that they didn't want to hurt her boyfriend, since they play on the same baseball team he thought it would make it awkward. He said it was a physical attraction they both had, that it was nothing more. He said most times it just seemed like she wanted to get laid and then she would leave, never anything more.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

beccamoo123 said:


> So I asked her she said that it was 10 times before she set me up with him, I asked him he said that it was a lot, I pressed him for a number of times he said he guessed maybe 20 or 30. He said the last time was probably 2 months after he met me, they had decided from the beginning that it was just sex, that they didn't want to hurt her boyfriend, since they play on the same baseball team he thought it would make it awkward. He said it was a physical attraction they both had, that it was nothing more. He said most times it just seemed like she wanted to get laid and then she would leave, never anything more.


Becca, how do you feel about this? You may need some time to consider the next steps. Are you ok with this or do you need to know more from both of them? 

Your "friend" cheated on her boyfriend. They hid it from him because it would be "awkward"? WTF.
Your husband admitted to sex with friend two months after you and he met. Did he explicitly agree that you two were exclusive after 3 weeks or was that only your position?
Your husband has a very high libido. Can you trust him to stay faithful to one woman?
Your friend's story and your husband's story do not match. Your husband's story is more believable. Both of them view sex as purely physical and that is a red flag for you if they continue to interact, especially at the apartment when you are not home. Your friend is lying to you. Why would that be?? 
If your friend had sex with your husband after she introduced you to him, she is no friend, no friend of the marriage, and is a potential marriage buster.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

And this is why you should not get married so quickly. Six months is not enough time to really get to know someone, it is still hormone based infatuation. Those things should be discussed way before getting married.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Becca, how do you feel about this? You may need some time to consider the next steps. Are you ok with this or do you need to know more from both of them?
> 
> *Your "friend" cheated on her boyfriend. They hid it from him because it would be "awkard"? WTF*.
> Your husband admitted to sex with friend two months after you and he met. Did he explicitly agree that you two were exclusive after 3 weeks or was that only your position?
> ...


Not to mention that her husband had no problems sleeping with his team mates girlfriend over and over...no problems what so ever being the other man...


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Becca, how do you feel about this? You may need some time to consider the next steps. Are you ok with this or do you need to know more from both of them?
> 
> Your "friend" cheated on her boyfriend. They hid it from him because it would be "awkward"? WTF.
> Your husband admitted to sex with friend two months after you and he met. Did he explicitly agree that you two were exclusive after 3 weeks or was that only your position?
> ...


I feel like crap. Like I may have made the biggest mistake of my life. I should have known he would do this, I just fell for everything about him. He has the looks, the confidence, the charm, the body, and the sex. I was seduced by everything about him. I don't know why my friend would set me up with him, when she was effing him. I think he was telling me the truth, they haven't effed since we got married. It doesn't make it any easier though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

beccamoo123 said:


> I feel like crap. Like I may have made the biggest mistake of my life. I should have known he would do this, I just fell for everything about him. He has the looks, the confidence, the charm, the body, and the sex. I was seduced by everything about him. I don't know why my friend would set me up with him, when she was effing him. I think he was telling me the truth, they haven't effed since we got married. It doesn't make it any easier though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He still cheated on you and your "friend" cheated on you and her boyfriend!

Your friend is, in all truth, a skank!

Get rid of her yesterday and inform her boyfriend that he probably better stop having sex with your "friend" and get checked for STD's.

He has a right to know what a wonderful girlfriend and teammate he has as well as the right to protect himself from disease or paternity fraud.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. Your husband is a manwh0re and you should have him served divorce papers at one of his games.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Not to belittle you but humans have always had extremely high priority in my mind.
> 
> They are not commodities to be consumed and flushed or tossed.
> 
> ...


I agree with this and i hate to hear even one night sexual partners talked about like products and I have had sex outside of an established relationship. He was still a human being with his own life, thoughts, and dreams. 

I also had sex with him to help contextualize sexual relationships after a sexual assault. We were two human beings who came together. Not consumables.

I am not suggesting anyone who has sex for pleasure outside of an established relationship sees it as a product, but I notice that in our language we tend to talk about it as if it were.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I would just do nothing about it. My wife only knows the ones I had sex with when we wife swapped or had threesomes, plus her best friend who we shared for most of our marriage. She does not know for sure who I had sex with before we met. I occasionally throw out a name and she usually says, "You even had sex with her?" Over 40 years my wife never once asked me who I had sex with before we married. She had no idea how many women I had sex with before we met. She knew about my reputation years before we met and keeps asking me why I married her. She says she feels lucky that I picked her out of every other woman I dated. She sees my past as a plus, not a negative. I also feel lucky that although my wife leans more towards women for most things, she chose me to be the only man in her life. I do not care if she had sex with other women before I met her and never asked.


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> P.S. Your husband is a manwh0re and you should have him served divorce papers at one of his games.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm beginning to realize this, wish I knew how much of one he was before we married. I know just about everything about my friend, I say just about because she obviously didn't tell me about Dave. But, shes never been a skank before, ive never known her to cheat on a boyfriend. I think she probably felt like I felt, hes very good in the bedroom, its very addicting, like a drug. I feel like giving them both a eye for an eye, like hooking up with her boyfriend/his teammate. But I know that wrong, but I thought about it.


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> Not to mention that her husband had no problems sleeping with his team mates girlfriend over and over...no problems what so ever being the other man...


Obviously I married a manwh0re, I should have known this. I kinda had an idea, I just didn't quite know how bad it was. I feel like part of this is my fault. I did things with him that I have never done with any other man, it made me feel like I loved him. I do love him, ive just thinking maybe I love him for the wrong reasons that doesn't make a happy marriage likely.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Becca, You have every right to be very upset.

Was there a time that you and your husband agreed to be exclusive sexual partners, other than your wedding day? Did your husband have sex with anyone else after this time? Do you believe him?

Your husband had sex with more than 50 woman, 1-30 times each. (Sorry to remind you of that) With such a record, do you think that your husband can really limit himself to one woman and remain faithful? 

If your husband is so good in bed that your friend is addicted to him and cannot help herself, then she needs to be removed from your life. You should confront her about the sex with husband two months after you met him. 

The two most important things for you to do now are 1) DO NOT get pregnant and 2) get tested for STDs.


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Becca, You have every right to be very upset.
> 
> Was there a time that you and your husband agreed to be exclusive sexual partners, other than your wedding day? Did your husband have sex with anyone else after this time? Do you believe him?
> 
> ...


For me I was exclusive as soon as I had sex with him, which was about a hour after I met him. Its kinda funny to, I had never slept with a guy on the first date, ever. It was kinda a rule for me. I just assumed it was the same for him. Not the first date thing, but having sex with me everynight for a week straight, I just assumed we were exclusive. But no we never said it outloud to each other. I 
believe him when he says the only person hes had sex with since we met is Kristen. He was honest with me. Do I think he can be faithful, I thought yes, but I was unaware until a few days ago that he effed 50 plus women, I had no idea it was that many. Now I don't know, he has a crazy high sex drive, which I'm fine with, I love it. The amount that we have sex has not changed at all, so I don't think hes getting it someplace else. I would think if he was he wouldn't want to have sex as much as he does. I agree that I have to remove her from our marriage. I cant trust her to be alone with him and try to seduce him, god knows how many times they've been alone together, I would have stopped this long ago if I knew their history together.


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Becca, You have every right to be very upset.
> 
> Was there a time that you and your husband agreed to be exclusive sexual partners, other than your wedding day? Did your husband have sex with anyone else after this time? Do you believe him?
> 
> ...


I'm not pregnant that I know of, knock on wood, and I will get tested for and STD but kristens not like a skank, really shes not, she doesn't sleep around. Ive known her a while. But with him, and his history, I agree I should get tested just for peace of mind.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

beccamoo123 said:


> I'm not pregnant that I know of, knock on wood, and I will get tested for and STD but kristens not like a skank, really shes not, she doesn't sleep around. Ive known her a while. But with him, and his history, I agree I should get tested just for peace of mind.


Your friend was banging your boyfriend behind your back and cheating on her boyfriend while doing it.

What definition would you classify her as?

Don't let your feelings cloud reality.

Skankasaur....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Your friend was banging your boyfriend behind your back and cheating on her boyfriend while doing it.
> 
> What definition would you classify her as?
> 
> ...


That would be a skank, your righg


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

beccamoo123 said:


> That would be a skank, your righg


I like the truth. Not trying to be overly hard.

I am very sorry your friend and husband put you in this position.:'crying:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> I like the truth. Not trying to be overly hard.
> 
> I am very sorry your friend and husband put you in this position.:'crying:
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I like truth also, thank you. Wish my husband and friend were as truthful with me as you are.


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

Sun Catcher said:


> Beccamoo, I am so sorry you are in this position. You need to get your key back or change your locks. No GF should have a key to your home. Next, get a hold of your husband's and even your GF's phone if you can. I bet you will discover what you need to know from either one of them.
> 
> So, it is very possible GF is home alone with your husband at times? I'd get a VAR under the bed and one in his vehicle if you can.


What is a VAR?


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## Kilgoretrout (Feb 2, 2016)

beccamoo123 said:


> I feel like crap. Like I may have made the biggest mistake of my life. I should have known he would do this, I just fell for everything about him. He has the looks, the confidence, the charm, the body, and the sex. I was seduced by everything about him. I don't know why my friend would set me up with him, when she was effing him. I think he was telling me the truth, they haven't effed since we got married. It doesn't make it any easier though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you have a reason to believe they were still having sex after he committed to you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

Kilgoretrout said:


> Do you have a reason to believe they were still having sex after he committed to you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, he keeps a list of all the women he's had sex with, it's in chronological order and her name is after mine. Secondly they're stories are different, she says they had sex 10 times before I met him. He says they had sex 20 or 30 times, and the last time was 2 months after I was with him. Third, they spend time alone together, she has a key to our apartments bc she doesn't get along with her roommate, so I let her use my place. Fourth, my husband is a man*****, which I just recently found out he's had sex with 54 women. And they never told me anything about them hooking up prior to me dating him. Just doesn't add up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kilgoretrout (Feb 2, 2016)

beccamoo123 said:


> Yes, he keeps a list of all the women he's had sex with, it's in chronological order and her name is after mine. Secondly they're stories are different, she says they had sex 10 times before I met him. He says they had sex 20 or 30 times, and the last time was 2 months after I was with him. Third, they spend time alone together, she has a key to our apartments bc she doesn't get along with her roommate, so I let her use my place. Fourth, my husband is a man*****, which I just recently found out he's had sex with 54 women. And they never told me anything about them hooking up prior to me dating him. Just doesn't add up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well that is definitely a reason to be suspicious. You should take her key away - you have more than enough reason. You should tell your husband he has one chance to come clean.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

Kilgoretrout said:


> Well that is definitely a reason to be suspicious. You should take her key away - you have more than enough reason. You should tell your husband he has one chance to come clean.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not taking her key yet, I'm going to try to catch them in the act. She's usually there on tuesdays when I get home from work, he only works until noon on Tuesday, so I'm gonna come home earlier than normal tomm, see what they're doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kilgoretrout (Feb 2, 2016)

beccamoo123 said:


> I'm not taking her key yet, I'm going to try to catch them in the act. She's usually there on tuesdays when I get home from work, he only works until noon on Tuesday, so I'm gonna come home earlier than normal tomm, see what they're doing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe you should confront him first and point out how the stories don't add up. Playing detective will drive you nuts
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Just read thru your thread.



Here's my take and it's just my opinion. They had and/or are continuing to have sex since you guys married.

Your friend is "trickle-truthing" you:

Never mentions that they were physical. Then you confront. Says it was 10 times, but before you met him. Then you find out it was 20-30 times (probably much more) several months into your dating, more or less cut off just before you marry him.

She still comes and goes out of your apartment. They are still sleeping together. That is why she goes to your apartment. Not to get away from her roommates. Those nasty roommates who are all sitting around the apartment with nothing to do on a Tuesday afternoon? Come on. It's to sleep with your husband. 

Now, Trying to catch them today (Tuesday) may not be a good idea. Their radars are up as you have been asking about it. If you "pop in" early today (1) they may be prepared for that and she won't be there. And (2) it will drive them further underground. Trying to catch them in the act will be easier in a few weeks once the dust settles, and they think you've forgotten about the situation.

There is a thread in the coping with infidelity section with a lot of tips on catching a cheating spouse. (Linked below) Includes information on VARS (voice activated recorder). Your first place is his cell phone. Check message history, Facebook, chats, etc. I'd be interested in knowing what they've said to each other since you've confronted them over this situation. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

Frankly, with whatever may or may not be going on, your husband Is not husband material, and your friend is not friend material.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I'm going to flip this around a bit here...You felt as if you were exclusive an hour into your first date with him, but you two never actually talked about it, so you two weren't actually exclusive. While their stories don't actually match up, which should be a concern, his claim that they stopped sleeping together about two months in sounds about right for how long many people date before becoming exclusive, so perhaps in his mind, that is the point he became exclusive with you...again, you guys never talked about it.

While most people would feel as if it were common courtesy to disclose multi dating, and sleeping with multiple partners over the same time period, one could argue that since you two were not exclusive, as harsh as it is, it really wasn't any of your business.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Voice Activated Recorder.

Place a couple in strategic locations in your home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Becca, Make sure that you protect this TAM resource you have. Do not tell friend or husband about TAM. Clear your browser history (or use incognito mode), do not save your username and password on a shared computer. 
@samyeager is right. So is @PhillyGuy13 The weekly Tuesday visit from your friend to your apartment when H is home but you are not is very suspicious. But you know that. Follow @ConanHub and do the VAR.

For you, stay as financially independent as possible. Have a good job/career. Work out at the gym. Socialize with your friends (but not "the friend"). Do not make H the center of your universe.


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Just read thru your thread.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


So I should go about business as usual if I want to catch them. Or until I find texts, or evidence of them having sex
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

beccamoo123 said:


> What is a VAR?


Voice Activated Recorder

Good luck on trying to catch them today.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Could you please clear up the timeline?

You met him and said that you were exclusive very quickly. Long after you met him did you and he have a talk about being exclusive?

How long did you date him before you married him?

Do you have any evidence at this time that he has cheated with her after the first 2 months that you dated him?


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Could you please clear up the timeline?
> 
> You met him and said that you were exclusive very quickly. Long after you met him did you and he have a talk about being exclusive?
> 
> ...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Could you please clear up the timeline?
> 
> You met him and said that you were exclusive very quickly. Long after you met him did you and he have a talk about being exclusive?
> 
> ...


He said he stopped sleeping with her friend before they were married but admitted to having sex with her after he had sex with OP 20 to 30 times and said he stopped after she agreed to marry him.

Si her friend started screwing OP's boyfriend after she introduced him to OP thus cheating on her own bf while screwing OP's bf behind her back for at least the first two months of the relationship.

OP now suspects, rightly, that her "friend" has continued to have sex with her now husband and is trying to determine that.

Those are the facts so far. He admitted to screwing OP's friend for two months after he started having sex with OP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> He said he stopped sleeping with her friend before they were married but admitted to having sex with her after he had sex with OP 20 to 30 times and said he stopped after she agreed to marry him.
> 
> Si her friend started screwing OP's boyfriend after she introduced him to OP thus cheating on her own bf while screwing OP's bf behind her back for at least the first two months of the relationship.
> 
> ...


No, my husband had sex with my friend 20 or 30 times and yes he said they stopped when we got married, she said they stopped when I got together with him. She was screwing him before I got with him, before she introduced me to him


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

beccamoo123 said:


> No, my husband had sex with my friend 20 or 30 times and yes he said they stopped when we got married, she said they stopped when I got together with him. She was screwing him before I got with him, before she introduced me to him


Ok. So there was still a an overlap of about two months after he started having sex with you and continued with her.

Odd that he put you on the list before her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

beccamoo123 said:


> No, my husband had sex with my friend 20 or 30 times and yes he said they stopped when we got married, she said they stopped when I got together with him. She was screwing him before I got with him, before she introduced me to him


My understanding is he continued to have sex with her after he asked you to marry him and you said yes. Is that right?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> He said he stopped sleeping with her friend before they were married but admitted to having sex with her after he had sex with OP 20 to 30 times and said he stopped after she agreed to marry him.
> 
> Si her friend started screwing OP's boyfriend after she introduced him to OP thus cheating on her own bf while screwing OP's bf behind her back for at least the first two months of the relationship.
> 
> ...


I can read. I was asking for more detail, which the OP gave.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

They were having sex before he met you. She has had a boyfriend the whole time. You wondered why she introducted you to him. I have a theory. She needed a cover.. an excuse to be around your husband to continue their affair. And you were/are the perfect cover. 

Look at how that worked out for her. She stays at your house a lot, even as a key. And so her boyfriend thinks that she is visiting you. Instead she's there for your husband.

Now your husband might very well love you and married you because he does. But here is a big possibility that they are still having sex.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I can read. I was asking for more detail, which the OP gave.


Why I never realized you were literate!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

beccamoo123 said:


> So I should go about business as usual if I want to catch them. Or until I find texts, or evidence of them having sex
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Keep your eyes open and mouth closed is a must, until you have hard evidence.

Are you able to get ahold of his phone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> My understanding is he continued to have sex with her after he asked you to marry him and you said yes. Is that right?


Yes, according to him they had sex until we were married.


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> They were having sex before he met you. She has had a boyfriend the whole time. You wondered why she introducted you to him. I have a theory. She needed a cover.. an excuse to be around your husband to continue their affair. And you were/are the perfect cover.
> 
> Look at how that worked out for her. She stays at your house a lot, even as a key. And so her boyfriend thinks that she is visiting you. Instead she's there for your husband.
> 
> Now your husband might very well love you and married you because he does. But here is a big possibility that they are still having sex.


That thought crossed my mind, it was the only reason I could think of why she said theres a guy I want you to meet. She was possibly protecting both of them, trying to keep what they had a secret from her boyfriend. My husband and him are friends too. Like a diversion away from what was really going on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

beccamoo123 said:


> Yes, according to him they had sex until we were married.


I would consider them even having a friendship now a continuation of the affair.... an emotional affair.

But.. when people are having sex together and they like it.. it's very hard to just stop doing it. This is especially true when they are around each other a lot. And even more when she has the key to your house and they are alone together at times.

You definaltey need to do some snooping.


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Keep your eyes open and mouth closed is a must, until you have hard evidence.
> 
> Are you able to get ahold of his phone?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm trying, he has his phone with him all the time. Hes a light sleeper, Ive been trying to see it for 2 days. I even had sex with him twice Monday nigh to try to make him tired so he would pass out. He just doesn't sleep that well. And takes it with him wherever he goes.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

beccamoo123 said:


> I'm trying, he has his phone with him all the time. Hes a light sleeper, Ive been trying to see it for 2 days. I even had sex with him twice Monday nigh to try to make him tired so he would pass out. He just doesn't sleep that well. And takes it with him wherever he goes.


 Get him drunk >

Do you have access to his phone bill?


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I would consider them even having a friendship now a continuation of the affair.... an emotional affair.
> 
> But.. when people are having sex together and they like it.. it's very hard to just stop doing it. This is especially true when they are around each other a lot. And even more when she has the key to your house and they are alone together at times.
> 
> You definaltey need to do some snooping.


I understand that, I really do, my husband is addicting in bed. I'm gonna get a VAR today


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

beccamoo123 said:


> I'm trying, he has his phone with him all the time. Hes a light sleeper, Ive been trying to see it for 2 days. I even had sex with him twice Monday nigh to try to make him tired so he would pass out. He just doesn't sleep that well. And takes it with him wherever he goes.


What about when he is in the shower? He can't take the phone in the shower with him! As Elegirl suggested get the phone records. 

How about your so called GF? Can you get a hold of her phone, maybe when she goes into the bathroom?

Glad you are getting a VAR, this must be so stressful for you right now, be strong.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

beccamoo123 said:


> he said they stopped when we got married


I hope that he meant they stopped *when he proposed to you*, which was a month before the wedding.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

beccamoo123 said:


> Its hard to trust when I constantly have that in the back of my mind, just wondering if my friend was truthful, why would her name be after mine? Even if she was telling the truth, they did it enough that there had to be enough of a attraction between them to do it that much. Its not like it was once.


Just ask why her name was after yours..... Then confront your H, he should never told you about the list. Get to the bottom of this now then decide what is best for you. If there is no trust in a relationship then there is no relationship.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

beccamoo123 said:


> So I asked her she said that it was 10 times before she set me up with him, I asked him he said that it was a lot, I pressed him for a number of times he said he guessed maybe 20 or 30. He said the last time was probably 2 months after he met me, they had decided from the beginning that it was just sex, that they didn't want to hurt her boyfriend, since they play on the same baseball team he thought it would make it awkward. He said it was a physical attraction they both had, that it was nothing more. He said most times it just seemed like she wanted to get laid and then she would leave, never anything more.


So he cheated but its ok because it is just sex. BS


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

beccamoo123 said:


> I'm beginning to realize this, wish I knew how much of one he was before we married. I know just about everything about my friend, I say just about because she obviously didn't tell me about Dave. But, shes never been a skank before, ive never known her to cheat on a boyfriend. I think she probably felt like I felt, hes very good in the bedroom, its very addicting, like a drug. I feel like giving them both a eye for an eye, like hooking up with her boyfriend/his teammate. But I know that wrong, but I thought about it.


Please don't lower yourself to his level. Did you get your key back from the ex BF?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

beccamoo123 said:


> I'm not pregnant that I know of, knock on wood, and I will get tested for and STD but kristens not like a skank, really shes not, she doesn't sleep around. Ive known her a while. But with him, and his history, I agree I should get tested just for peace of mind.


Um this is the girl effin your then bf now H while the two of you where together. The only reason you know about it is because you found the list. You do not know this girl like you think you do....


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

Beccamoo,

This girl slept with your BF, she slept with your fiancé and she may well have slept with your husband that there says she IS a skank. 

Did you purchase the VAR and is it all set up?


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Keep your eyes open and mouth closed is a must, until you have hard evidence.
> 
> Are you able to get ahold of his phone?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I got ahold of the phone, saw alot of texts between them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Becca, I am not trying to be mean. You do not deserve to be deceived like this. Had a thought, I think elegirl nailed it when she said it was a cover for your BF to hide her affair. Could your husband be in on it as well? Could they have worked together? Sorry this is happening to you, stay strong and get the proof you need.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

beccamoo123 said:


> I got ahold of the phone, saw alot of texts between them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Take screenshots of them with your phone. Then email them to two different email accounts of your own that you have. Don't let him find them and delete them. He will gaslight you- "what texts? You're crazy!"

What did the texts say? What were the dates? Did they compare stories with each other after you started asking them about their (supposedly) prior relationship?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You may get further perspective from members if you ask a moderator like @EleGirl to move this thread to the Coping With Infidelity section.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> You may get further perspective from members if you ask a moderator like @EleGirl to move this thread to the Coping With Infidelity section.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Or move to the Considering Divorce or Separation section.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

beccamoo123,

If you want your thread moved, let me know.

I think that it should be moved to either General or to CWI.


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

Sun Catcher said:


> Beccamoo,
> 
> This girl slept with your BF, she slept with your fiancé and she may well have slept with your husband that there says she IS a skank.
> 
> Did you purchase the VAR and is it all set up?


I did, listened to it a yesterday. I heard too much, I heard them having sex on it. I listened to it all, there was a 30 minute part of it that I heard them effing. I know it was her, he said her name about 10 times. It was difficult to listen to, the hardest thing ive ever done, but I made myself. I talked to him and told him he had to pick her or me, this isn't gonna continue to happen. I love him still, he said he would stop, I want to believe him, just having a hard time with it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

beccamoo123 said:


> I did, listened to it a yesterday. I heard too much, I heard them having sex on it. I listened to it all, there was a 30 minute part of it that I heard them effing. I know it was her, he said her name about 10 times. It was difficult to listen to, the hardest thing ive ever done, but I made myself. I talked to him and told him he had to pick her or me, this isn't gonna continue to happen. I love him still, *he said he would stop*, I want to believe him, just having a hard time with it.


He's lying.

Either way, have you told her boyfriend yet?


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> He's lying.
> 
> Either way, have you told her boyfriend yet?


No, Dave asked me not to tell him. And I don't want to be the one to tell him his girlfriend is effing his friend, I have enough to deal with.


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

Beccamoo, I am so sorry to hear this, but think we all knew what the outcome would be. Please let Ele move this thread to CWI, lots of people have been through what you are going through and they will have answers for you. 

You are going to need to steel yourself for a battle, no matter how much you love him, he doesn't love you, he has proven that. Make yourself strong and go get tested for STDs.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Becca,

I am so sorry. Your husband picked you when he proposed. Instead he effed your friend many times. He picked you when you married. Instead he is effing your friend many many times. From the way you described him, with his 50+ woman each effed 1-30 times, he is NEVER going to give up effing other woman while married to you. NEVER EVER. 

Yes, he will "pick you" again but he will not stop. He will just do it behind you back. Oh, but he already has been doing that. In YOUR apartment. So, after all this, you still want him back? I get it, the sex is great, really great. He did not get that way from watching porn. He had lots of sex with lots of woman and that will not stop. It is who he is. He was cheating on you with your best friend who was cheating on her boyfriend. And doing this in your FIRST year of marriage. 

As for the list, he just adds a new name when he effs a girl for the first time. He probably has effed other many of the girls on that list since your wedding day. 

You are a VERY smart girl. You know what you need to do.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

beccamoo123 said:


> No, Dave asked me not to tell him. And I don't want to be the one to tell him his girlfriend is effing his friend, I have enough to deal with.


Wrong. Expose far and wide.

Have divorce papers drawn up.

Stop mixing up satisfying sex with love.

Your husband does not, and has never loved you.

He has been non stop fvcking your skankwad "friend" since you've known each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

beccamoo123 said:


> I did, listened to it a yesterday. I heard too much, I heard them having sex on it. I listened to it all, there was a 30 minute part of it that I heard them effing. I know it was her, he said her name about 10 times. It was difficult to listen to, the hardest thing ive ever done, but I made myself. I talked to him and told him he had to pick her or me, this isn't gonna continue to happen. I love him still, he said he would stop, I want to believe him, just having a hard time with it.


And will you...pick you? The problem isn't this jerk...the problem is why you think you can't do better than this. When you figure that out, THEN...you'll leave. And you SHOULD leave.

And move out of this crazy town! lol


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

beccamoo123 said:


> *No, Dave asked me not to tell him.* And I don't want to be the one to tell him his girlfriend is effing his friend, I have enough to deal with.


:slap:

Of course he did. After all, if you told the boyfriend, it would be more difficult for your husband to keep screwing her.

Have you spoken w/ her yet?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm so sorry that you had to find out like that. How terrible.

Tell Dave. He needs to know the truth, just like you do. Do you still have the recording?

This man you are marriage to is a horrible husband. You can never trust him to be faithful to you. He has been having sex with one woman during the day, then with you at night. Is that how you want to live? He has proven himself to be a cheater and a liar. He has done nothing to prove otherwise.

Actions speak louder than words. Listen to what he is showing you.

When you spoke to him, did you tell him how you know all of this? Does he know you recorded it? If not, do not tell him.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Becca, so sorry but you have to think for a little bit, if you do not expose this it will never stop. You need to tell the OW's bf, you would want to be told. They have both lied to you repeatedly and continued to sleep with each other. If they had any respect at all for you they would have stopped when you got suspicious. Do you think they were not talking about you when they were together. You deserve so much more then that POS of a so called H. Take care of yourself Becca because the two of them will not. Get strong and stay strong because you are worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

I keep a list of my .. um.. conquests too.

I'm nostalgic like that.

Of course I don't think keeping a list of past sexual partners is weird.

My girlfriend has seen the list, she's only concerned that her name remains the last one on that list.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

beccamoo123 said:


> No, Dave asked me not to tell him. And I don't want to be the one to tell him his girlfriend is effing his friend, I have enough to deal with.


Give me his number, I'll do it. That way you don't have to deal with it at all. 


Piece of sh*t. People are @ssholes.


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> :slap:
> 
> Of course he did. After all, if you told the boyfriend, it would be more difficult for your husband to keep screwing her.
> 
> Have you spoken w/ her yet?


Yes, I spoke with her. That she is no longer my friend, shes not allowed over to our apt anymore. I told them both if I find out they effed again I'm gonna tell her boyfriend. She said she understood and is sorry that she lied to me. She said when she set me up with him it was because her boyfriend thought she might be having sex with him, and she needed a reason to distract any attention away from them. She said she had no idea that I would end up falling for him. She also told me my husband tried to stop it many times, and most times she was the one that initiated the sex. She said he told her hes very much in love with me. I have to say she sounded completely honest for the first time, I told her thanks and stay the eff away from us.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

beccamoo123 said:


> Yes, I spoke with her. That she is no longer my friend, shes not allowed over to our apt anymore. I told them both if I find out they effed again I'm gonna tell her boyfriend. She said she understood and is sorry that she lied to me. She said when she set me up with him it was because her boyfriend thought she might be having sex with him, and she needed a reason to distract any attention away from them. She said she had no idea that I would end up falling for him. She also told me my husband tried to stop it many times, and most times she was the one that initiated the sex. She said he told her hes very much in love with me. I have to say she sounded completely honest for the first time, I told her thanks and stay the eff away from us.


Oh dear Lord.

They. Are. Both. LYING.

Either way, want to keep her away for good?

Stop believing her bullsh*t.

Stop making excuses for your husband.

_Tell the boyfriend already._


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## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

beccamoo,
do you know the saying:
fool me once shame on you , fool me twice shame on me?
If you do, then you know that whatever happens from now on,
it's on YOU.

Facts:
- Are they lying ? yes

-When asked, did they come clean and stop the affair? NO

-When caught for the second time ,did they come clean? Yes? NO!!

They just told you what you want to hear to stop you from exposing them
further.
Thats how cheaters react.
they are on damage control until they can go underground.

THink about it,if they really wanted to come clean wouldn't they tell ,
not just you ,but your husbands friend also and 1. ask for your forgiveness and help (if they are remorseful) or 
2. tell you guys they are in love with eachother and are sorry and want out.

None of the above.so what do you do? EXPOSE! EXPOSE WIDE AND FAST! why?
First it highlights the affair and it kills it .

Affairs grow in secrecy.Thats the thrill of it.
Once exposed ,it's not fun anymore .
They will have to face the hurt , the betrayl,the lack of integrity,the shame that they brought to their partners.

Sorry I don't have more time right now ,but you get the picture.Expose fast .Good luck.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> They were having sex before he met you. She has had a boyfriend the whole time. You wondered why she introducted you to him.* I have a theory. She needed a cover.. an excuse to be around your husband to continue their affair. And you were/are the perfect cover. *
> 
> Look at how that worked out for her. She stays at your house a lot, even as a key. And so her boyfriend thinks that she is visiting you. Instead she's there for your husband.





beccamoo123 said:


> *She said when she set me up with him it was because her boyfriend thought she might be having sex with him, and she needed a reason to distract any attention away from them.* She said she had no idea that I would end up falling for him. She also told me my husband tried to stop it many times, and most times she was the one that initiated the sex. She said he told her hes very much in love with me. I have to say she sounded completely honest for the first time, I told her thanks and stay the eff away from us.


:surprise: Is @EleGirl all-knowing & all-seeing?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> :surprise: Is @EleGirl all-knowing & all-seeing?


Unfortunately, no. She's not. While the details may be considerably variable, the same basic patterns never change in cheating...hence, the cheaters script.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Be careful if you do not tell her bf they will go somewhere else to hook up. They are still feeding you bs. Do you have family you could stay with a week or to to clear your head? Would suggest getting away for a little.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Oh dear Lord.
> 
> They. Are. Both. LYING.
> 
> ...


This x1000!!

Wishing you better but on your current course you are only going to keep getting screwed.

A man who loves you would have stopped screwing your friend when he fell for you.

He does not love you. He loves himself and his pecker.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Wishing you better but *on your current course you are only going to keep getting screwed.*


....and on your current course, Kristen is going to keep getting screwed, by your husband.

Sorry to be so harsh Becca, but drastic action BY YOU is needed. 

Your "friend" is so unbelievably devious that she set you up with your now "husband" so that she could cheat on her bf. She is not suddenly going to stop screwing your H because you found out. 

Your husband is not the marrying type, nor the faithful type. If he was, Kristen would have dated or married him. He will forever remain unfaithful to any single partner.

You must must tell her bf and have him listen to the VAR. 

Does your husband know about the VAR? Put one in his car his car and listen.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Becca, How was your first Valentine's Day with husband?


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Problem #1: She gave it up on the first date. If she'd made him wait, like she should have, then this whole thing could probably have been avoided in the first place. Players, especially those who keep a list of "conquests," are NOT marriage material and won't stick around for a good woman who makes him wait a little while. 

Next time, make him wait!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

SurpriseMyself said:


> Problem #1: She gave it up on the first date. If she'd made him wait, like she should have, then this whole thing could probably have been avoided in the first place. Players, especially those who keep a list of "conquests," are NOT marriage material and won't stick around for a good woman who makes him wait a little while.
> 
> Next time, make him wait!


Good advice. Applies to both guys and gals. Hope she follows that with the next date after she divorces current H.


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

SurpriseMyself said:


> Problem #1: She gave it up on the first date. If she'd made him wait, like she should have, then this whole thing could probably have been avoided in the first place. Players, especially those who keep a list of "conquests," are NOT marriage material and won't stick around for a good woman who makes him wait a little while.
> 
> Next time, make him wait!


No the problem wasn't I slept with him after I met him, the problem was my friend was also sleeping with him, that was the bigger problem.


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Becca, How was your first Valentine's Day with husband?


We went to florida for valentines day, it was a nice valentines day. Went to the beach, he was very loving. Hes trying to change, he at least deserves that opportunity.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

beccamoo123 said:


> No the problem wasn't I slept with him after I met him, the problem was my friend was also sleeping with him, that was the bigger problem.


and she just kept right on doing it through your entire relationship with your husband.

They are both lowlife trash.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> and she just kept right on doing it through your entire relationship with your husband.
> 
> They are both lowlife trash.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not anymore, I took her key to the apartment, and I told her boyfriend. He thought she might have been sleeping with someone, he just didn't know it was his friend. Lets just say Dave wont be playing baseball with him again.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well that's good but I really don't think your H is worth the effort.

Good job on exposing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

beccamoo123 said:


> Not anymore, I took her key to the apartment, and I told her boyfriend. He thought she might have been sleeping with someone, he just didn't know it was his friend. Lets just say Dave wont be playing baseball with him again.


Pretty sure Dave isn't interested in playing baseball w/ his buddy when he can play catch w/ his GF.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Pretty sure Dave isn't interested in playing baseball w/ his buddy when he can play catch w/ his GF.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's pretty funny. Hes not playing catch with her anymore.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

beccamoo123 said:


> That's pretty funny. Hes not playing catch with her anymore.


You'll find out.

Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

beccamoo123 said:


> Hes trying to change, he at least deserves that opportunity.


No he doesn't...

He has shown his true colors, just like your "friend". Why are you resolutely defending this guy and condemning your friend at the same time. They both did the same thing.

I hate to say it, but you are in for a life of pain with this guy.


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## Brandy905 (Apr 3, 2014)

beccamoo123 said:


> My husband and I are recently *married for 2 months* now. We got *married after knowing each other for 6 months*..






beccamoo123 said:


> [ *a month and a half later, when he proposed to me, it never dawned on me that I should say are we exclusive, I just thought having sex with a man was a good indicator that people are exclusive. I knew I loved him, so I said yes. We were married a month later*, I didn't want a big wedding, I just wanted to be with him. *Weve been married 6 months*. .


Time lines aren't adding up. Are you married for 2 months or get married after 2 months? Are you married for 6 months get married after 6 months?

Something isn't right here


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Brandy905 said:


> Time lines aren't adding up. Are you married for 2 months or get married after 2 months? Are you married for 6 months get married after 6 months?
> 
> Something isn't right here


Thanks for catching that. OP's story was too incredible to be true. As soon as OP was told about VAR, bam! Kristen and Dave were caught on digital. Plus the excuse was exactly what EleGirl had theorized beforehand. And now Becca is happy that husband is "trying". 

It was fun to play along though.


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

Brandy905 said:


> Time lines aren't adding up. Are you married for 2 months or get married after 2 months? Are you married for 6 months get married after 6 months?
> 
> Something isn't right here


We were together for 2 months got married and now have been married for almost 7 months, so weve been together for a total of 9 months.


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## Kilgoretrout (Feb 2, 2016)

beccamoo123 said:


> We were together for 2 months got married and now have been married for almost 7 months, so weve been together for a total of 9 months.


I am not sure why people are looking to trip you up. Why would anyone think you were making this up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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