# Wife, mistress, cancer



## outlander (Feb 8, 2010)

I am a married male of 50yrs of age. I have been married for 23 yrs and have two boys of 17 and 15. My relationship with my eldest is best described as strained. My youngest has a learning difficulty and I feel very protective of him and he is a daddys boy. My wife is a very good mother and a very nice person. I feel over the years i have been a good provider and father and my children have wanted for very little although it has not always been easy. For the past nine years I have been in a relationship with another woman, This primarily started due to the fact that I was living in a sexless marriage and was in the beginning for sex that we met. Approx three years into this affair my wife discovered that this was in fact going on and after much talking decided that for the sake of the children she would stay with me and turn a blind eye if things were discreet, she also does (strangely, still love me) I know that this may seem shocking to some and it has not been a situation i would recommend to anyone, however, I love my wife and my lover and my children and there seemed no way out and so in the interim everyone has suffered, though of course my children do not know of this affair. My lover, who incidentally is separated, and has five children of her own, two of which, 14,15, live with her, the others are older and have left home. Approx 18 mths ago was diagnosed with breast cancer, she had a mastectomy and has had chemotherapy, All of which i have been with her throughout her treatment as often as i could be. She has been told that this is now terminal and she is not expected to live beyond the year. As you can imagine this has been totally devastating to us and to her family, My dilemma is of course now do I leave home to be with my lover and to help her through, possibly her last months or year. With of course the resulting break up of my own family, or do i stay and support her as much as a i can and live with what i know will be the terrible guilt of perhaps not being there when i am or was most needed. I am sorry if this seems a little disjointed and rambling I seem to live in a haze of doubt, self loathing and fear and no matter which road I choose some one will lose.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Well this is a real difficult situation for you,
I don't agree with affairs while married but your wife has come to grips with the situation and I'm sure it hurts her greatly that this is her life now.....have you had a conversation with her about this situation, she knows and has turned a blind eye so far, maybe you can work something out with her to what is right for your family, this is what your number #1 decision should be....
Think of your children and your wife......
Think of the future, you can be supportive to the OW as long as you are respecting your family.....
But move through this carefully, your children are at an age where there could be serious damage with your relationship with them.
I feel for you and everyone involved but your family has got to come first here....


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Ha we're going to be no help.
Cause i think the opposite. Your going to have to use your heart to decide this.

My opinion is that this bed was made a long time ago. That was the time to think about consequences. Now is the time to lie in that bed.
If this OW has "stood by you" and your wife knew about this. You should find a way to support OW as best you can.
Maybe find a different way to describe this to your kids.

Your marriage was broken a LONG time ago. You just chose to hold off the logistics of that.

I would finally fess up, face the music. Go be with OW in her time of need.

To not do that is further running from the truth. Its probably that which brings the self loathing not what you did but the fact you could never face the reality.

If it were me, I would loath myself more if I let a friend or lover feel that they did not matter to me. You already indicated that to your wife long ago, so ....


Man I wish you all the best.. Tough Spot.

There is no right or wrong here. only opinions. Again, your heart and the truth.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

You said you love your wife and the other woman.....yet you are thinking about leaving your wife to take care of the other woman? I don't totally get that. I do understand you wanting to be there as much as possible for her. What I don't get is destroying your family to do so.

The other woman was in this affair for years and knew what she was getting out of the deal. Be there for her as much as you can, and show her you love her. Then go home and appreciate your wife who loves you and appreciate what you still have.


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## SpliceStyle (Feb 8, 2010)

This is why adultery is discouraged. I do have sympathy for the dying woman but not the OW if that makes any sense. On the flip side she is obviously your friend. How would you deal with a friend who is dying? It should not cost your family anything. It should cost you. So if you are suffering so be it. Your wife should not hurt, nor should your children. You have to figure it out for the benefit of your family - not you and not the OW. I think the only way to describe what I am saying is look at it as one of your very close male friends. What would you do? Would you leave your wife? You are emotionally attached to them though not in a romantic way... You would visit your friend. You may spend more time with them but you would not leave your family.


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## SpliceStyle (Feb 8, 2010)

:iagree:


scarletblue said:


> You said you love your wife and the other woman.....yet you are thinking about leaving your wife to take care of the other woman? I don't totally get that. I do understand you wanting to be there as much as possible for her. What I don't get is destroying your family to do so.
> 
> The other woman was in this affair for years and knew what she was getting out of the deal. Be there for her as much as you can, and show her you love her. Then go home and appreciate your wife who loves you and appreciate what you still have.


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