# How do you know...?



## Saddad44 (Apr 11, 2017)

How do you know it's time to file?

Long story short - we both had affairs. She doesn't seem very remorseful. Has completely disconnected. Barely talks to me. Zero attention, affection, care, respect, etc.

We have been to 5 marriage counseling sessions so far. I don't think she is taking is very seriously, as she has done very little in terms of the home work or the instruction we have been given.

I looked at her phone and she had googled 'i don't think i love my husbandanymore'. Yesterday in therapy she told me she was no longer attracted to me and lost all respect for me.

I really want to make it work. But I can't read her or figure out the situation. She is so distant and virtually refuses to talk about it.

When is it time to pull the trigger? Very hesitant as we have a 9 year old, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I refuse to accept blame for mine and her affair. I refuse to do all of the work. I refuse to be the door mat and put in all of the effort while she sits around and does nothing. She is a stay at home mom and has done zero towards the house or any effort in normal duties.

Please help!


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Saddad44 said:


> How do you know it's time to file?
> 
> Long story short - we both had affairs. She doesn't seem very remorseful. Has completely disconnected. Barely talks to me. Zero attention, affection, care, respect, etc.
> 
> ...


If she is not 100% invested in working it out and fully involved in the counseling the time is now.

The harder you work the further you will push her away.

Cancel the sessions and file for divorce. 

Maybe then she will come around but i doubt it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

In situations like this, pressuring her to work it out is like pushing a rope. 

Let her know you are done, cancel MC, and file.

When she complains about anything after that point, hold your hand up and say:

"Wife, discussions about our relationship are for people who are committed to making their marriage work. Your actions post-affair showed your level of commitment, therefore there is no point in having such discussions."


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

I've been holding out hoping for things to change for close to two years now, pretty much for the same reason, our 6 year old son. We tried counseling but after 3 sessions I could see she wasn't really there and a few days before the next session she told me she canceled it because she doesn't believe in it and thinks the exercises are silly. When I confronted her twice now about texts on her phone from other men, she was insistent that nothing was going on. When I asked for her to unlock her phone and show it to me both times she outright refused to.

I have gotten into the phone without her knowing and have found nothing other then texts with friends about how I'm making a big deal out of nothing, and even when I found the one text there was nothing else in the thread that was suggestive at all. A little flirty maybe but nothing really. Between going through her entire phone, computer, emails, texts, messaging apps, gpsing the car, VAR's, all of it of the past couple months, I have found nothing that points to a physical affair. But all the bizarre behavior, mood swings and the attitude towards me most times just don't make any sense.

I am very close to the point right now of filing myself, I have been basically saving filing for if or when I ever found solid proof, or when I just couldn't take anymore. I love my son more than everything in this world and it would kill me to leave, knowing that he'll grow up without me around every time or anytime he needs me, but I don't know how much more of this I can take.


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## Saddad44 (Apr 11, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> In situations like this, pressuring her to work it out is like pushing a rope.
> 
> Let her know you are done, cancel MC, and file.
> 
> ...


The therapist was pretty strong on me giving her space and time. Now the past 2 weeks he says it's time for her to start bridging the gap. Her homework the past 2 weeks has been to slowly give me affection and attention and allow talks and discussions. There has been virtually none (except a little last Friday when she had her sisters over and got a little drunk).

I'm so not ready to file, that's why I'm asking how do you know.

I know I started this (I cheated and moved out first, I didn't move out with the intention of cheating, but it happened). I have tried to reconcile, profusely apologized, I have changed many things, pitched in harder, worked all day, came home and cleaned the house, done many favors and extras for her, written her sweet notes, etc. Nothing works. The past week or so I have tried the '180' way and just been bare minimum, and that just seems to be pushing us further away.

It's like she expects me to keep up this super effort, while she does nothing. It's starting to feel like I am simply a slave. I just can't imagine breaking up my family. We have been married 10 years, have a 9 year, grew up together since we were 11. It's all very heart breaking to me. She completely blames me for her affair and says it was the 'nail in the coffin' of our marriage for her. But has since changed her mind and decided to 'try' to make it work. But this sure doesn't feel like trying.

So lost. GA has laws about alimony and infidelity, if I stay too long it could be considered condonement as well, so there is financial concerns involved. I know maybe I shouldn't think about that, but I have to have some semblance of self preservation as well.

I had some hope, but yesterday in our session whens he said she has lost all attraction for me, that was really a dagger to my heart. The counselor requested a solo session with her next week to work on her anger and 'icing' me out. Do I want and see if that has positive impact? Or say screw it and move on. I am a very successful person, and I don't think I'm half bad looking. It's not like I couldn't move on. But I just love her so damn much and made a terrible mistake.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

You decide on a date when you'll give up waiting for things to change. When that date comes, you file.


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## Saddad44 (Apr 11, 2017)

AtMyEnd said:


> I've been holding out hoping for things to change for close to two years now, pretty much for the same reason, our 6 year old son. We tried counseling but after 3 sessions I could see she wasn't really there and a few days before the next session she told me she canceled it because she doesn't believe in it and thinks the exercises are silly. When I confronted her twice now about texts on her phone from other men, she was insistent that nothing was going on. When I asked for her to unlock her phone and show it to me both times she outright refused to.
> 
> I have gotten into the phone without her knowing and have found nothing other then texts with friends about how I'm making a big deal out of nothing, and even when I found the one text there was nothing else in the thread that was suggestive at all. A little flirty maybe but nothing really. Between going through her entire phone, computer, emails, texts, messaging apps, gpsing the car, VAR's, all of it of the past couple months, I have found nothing that points to a physical affair. But all the bizarre behavior, mood swings and the attitude towards me most times just don't make any sense.
> 
> I am very close to the point right now of filing myself, I have been basically saving filing for if or when I ever found solid proof, or when I just couldn't take anymore. I love my son more than everything in this world and it would kill me to leave, knowing that he'll grow up without me around every time or anytime he needs me, but I don't know how much more of this I can take.


That sucks man. Very tough situation. There is no doubt in my mind about this one. She was using the guise of being at her sisters or dad's house over the weekend for her part of the affair. She texted me and asked me to pick up our son from a spend the night on a Saturday. We got home, he got on the computer and called me in saying there was something weird on the computer. She had left up her facebook and was a half naked picture she had sent to the dude. It old Jack to leave the room. Found out it was going on for about 5 weeks, lots of meet ups, sexting, etc. I confronted her, and she immediately lashed out at me. Within 30 minutes she was crying, apologizing/begging etc. We had an ok day that day after that, then I caught her in another lie and got mad. Ever since then, it has been awful with zero improvement, affection, feelings, connections, nothing. That was about 2 months ago or so?

I can deal with anger. I can deal with hurt. But I can't deal with her acting like I MADE her have an affair and her explaining it away as 'I started it'. I can't deal with ZERO effort. I don't care what the counselor says. I am her husband of 10 years. She can't just completely ignore me and act like I don't exist 99% of the time like she does. She has also gotten extremely heavily into pot. She has always smoked it, but lately it's 10-12 times a day constantly and perpetually high. I don't have a problem with pot, but that is an extreme, wake up smoke it, and smoke it every hour.

ugh, what a pickle I am in. Good luck with your situation. Maybe you are just being paranoid? But a spouse that refuses to unlock her phone after you have caught her with some questionable texts is a little bit of a red flag for me. My wife also, even after the affair, is weird about transparency. In fact, after I found out, she had texted the dude and apologized, saying I found out before (what I assume) ceasing contact and blocking him on Facebook.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

To some people cheating is a deal breaker. She pretty much has shown you that. You are taking her punishment to see when she has had enough and finally forgive you. It will not happen. She was done with you the minute she found out you cheated. 

She is living life as if she were single while having a baby sitter/maid at home for free. 

Divorce now. I have no idea why you think you can wait this out. You want to redeem your trespasses with over doing yourself at home with chores and taking care of things. Maids don't make good husbands dude, they just clean up the mess everyone makes.

Stop this, it is useless. Put a fork in it, this marriage is done!


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## Saddad44 (Apr 11, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> To some people cheating is a deal breaker. She pretty much has shown you that. You are taking her punishment to see when she has had enough and finally forgive you. It will not happen. She was done with you the minute she found out you cheated.
> 
> She is living life as if she were single while having a baby sitter/maid at home for free.
> 
> ...


When I first told her, she was angry, but very willing to get past it. We had a few good days, then I started to feel a lot of guilt and shame and sort of shut down. I think that got to her. After about 4 weeks of that, she planned a trip for us. We went, had a good time. Lots of fun and sex. On the way down the mountain, I, stupidly, made a comment that I feel like we have lost our spark and fallen out of love and need to keep trying to rekindle and find it. She took that comment as 'I don't love you anymore'. And 2 days later she started her affair.

She also has a tendency to 'ice' people out while she's angry. She didn't talk to her sister for over a year over a spat, now they're fine. They didn't talk to her mom for a few years over some drama. That is what she's doing to me at the moment. She says she's 'numb inside' and 'doesn't feel anything' or 'doesn't know how she's feeling or what she wants.' etc etc.

I hold on to hope because I know we love each other. We just ****ed up, both of us. But I don't know if I can handle her 'icing' period for much longer. It's degrading and borderline abusive (it might not even be borderline, it feels like emotional abuse). I grow weary of doubt, crying, and depression all the time over this. Ugh.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Saddad44 said:


> We just ****ed up, both of us.


I totally agree with this. When you cheat, you are the one that needs to do the heavy lifting. It looks like she was the one doing most of the work and then you gave her an "F" for effort with the idiotic talk about "needing to get that spark back" 

You needed to get that spark back, you cheated and that turned everything upside down. She took you back and you did it again. You kicked her when she was down.

Well, she ain't down anymore. You are on the verge of giving up now. How does it feel being down in the muck? Not good right. She is done!

Regardless of how bad the marriage was, you killed it with the coming down the mountain moment of needing that darn spark back.

You finished pushing in that nail with the last hammering part.

You made this bed, you now must lye in it.

Sorry dude; there is no coming back from this. It's over. You are the only one that doesn't see it.


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## Saddad44 (Apr 11, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> I totally agree with this. When you cheat, you are the one that needs to do the heavy lifting. It looks like she was the one doing most of the work and then you gave her an "F" for effort with the idiotic talk about "needing to get that spark back"
> 
> You needed to get that spark back, you cheated and that turned everything upside down. She took you back and you did it again. You kicked her when she was down.
> 
> ...


No No, I think you have the timeline mixed up. I didn't cheat after that. She did.


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## Saddad44 (Apr 11, 2017)

So basic timeline:

I moved out 4 months ago: cheated after a few weeks gone, immediately confessed and came home, was gone a total of 2.5 weeks. Cheating only lasted a 3 days.

A few weeks later, we went on our trip, I said the stupid **** about wanting to find the spark back

2 days later she cheated for 5 weeks

Now here we are


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Saddad44 said:


> No No, I think you have the timeline mixed up. I didn't cheat after that. She did.


Sadly, No I don't. You think her cheating takes away from you leaving the first time and you didn't mean to cheat but you did. Several nights as per you stated right? You cam back home and confessed. She was initially angry which is understandable. She tried to do things to show you she was invested in the marriage. The trip was one of those tries. What did you do at the end of the trip? 

You gave her a score of an "F" with your "spark missing" crapola.

You kicked her down again. She got really angry and all bets were off. She was done right then and there dude!

The cheating was done once she decided to burn all bridges. There is no more path to get to a happy marriage. That is burned to a crisp.

That was my mentality when my X broke the no contact rule with his affair partner. I was angry, I was done. I filed and took everything I could from the SOB! I then proceeded with my life like if I was single because I was. 

Paperwork was not even ready when I went off and sowed my oats. Anger is a great propeller to moving forward at full speed dude. She is doing the exact same thing, except she is less emotional and romantic about it. She wants you to grovel at her feet so she can step on you. 

It's up to you how long you want to be there. She will not change. I can't emphasize this enough: She is done!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Saddad44 said:


> How do you know it's time to file?
> 
> Long story short - we both had affairs. She doesn't seem very remorseful. Has completely disconnected. Barely talks to me. Zero attention, affection, care, respect, etc.
> 
> ...


Who cheated first? 

If there was a better list of signs that your marriage is over I haven't seen it. You pretty much covered all of them.


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## Saddad44 (Apr 11, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Who cheated first?
> 
> If there was a better list of signs that your marriage is over I haven't seen it. You pretty much covered all of them.


I moved out and cheated first. She then 'revenge' cheated while we were 'working it out'.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Saddad44 said:


> I know I started this (I cheated and moved out first, I didn't move out with the intention of cheating, but it happened). I have tried to reconcile, profusely apologized, I have changed many things, pitched in harder, worked all day, came home and cleaned the house, done many favors and extras for her, written her sweet notes, etc.


I have noticed this a lot from people who cheat. Most of these things are like physical things, working around the house stuff like that. Now those are good things but they don't address the emotional damage. That is where the damage is and what needs to be fixed. I hear this book is good "how to help my spouse heal from my affair" did you try doing the stuff there. It may just be too late.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Saddad44 said:


> So basic timeline:
> 
> I moved out 4 months ago: cheated after a few weeks gone, immediately confessed and came home, was gone a total of 2.5 weeks. Cheating only lasted a 3 days.
> 
> ...


What was the pretense of moving out for? What was going on at that point?


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Saddad44 said:


> That sucks man. Very tough situation. There is no doubt in my mind about this one. She was using the guise of being at her sisters or dad's house over the weekend for her part of the affair. She texted me and asked me to pick up our son from a spend the night on a Saturday. We got home, he got on the computer and called me in saying there was something weird on the computer. She had left up her facebook and was a half naked picture she had sent to the dude. It old Jack to leave the room. Found out it was going on for about 5 weeks, lots of meet ups, sexting, etc. I confronted her, and she immediately lashed out at me. Within 30 minutes she was crying, apologizing/begging etc. We had an ok day that day after that, then I caught her in another lie and got mad. Ever since then, it has been awful with zero improvement, affection, feelings, connections, nothing. That was about 2 months ago or so?
> 
> I can deal with anger. I can deal with hurt. But I can't deal with her acting like I MADE her have an affair and her explaining it away as 'I started it'. I can't deal with ZERO effort. I don't care what the counselor says. I am her husband of 10 years. She can't just completely ignore me and act like I don't exist 99% of the time like she does. She has also gotten extremely heavily into pot. She has always smoked it, but lately it's 10-12 times a day constantly and perpetually high. I don't have a problem with pot, but that is an extreme, wake up smoke it, and smoke it every hour.
> 
> ugh, what a pickle I am in. Good luck with your situation. Maybe you are just being paranoid? But a spouse that refuses to unlock her phone after you have caught her with some questionable texts is a little bit of a red flag for me. My wife also, even after the affair, is weird about transparency. In fact, after I found out, she had texted the dude and apologized, saying I found out before (what I assume) ceasing contact and blocking him on Facebook.


Well other things have come up since I found the text, but again as one thing comes up to make me think there is an affair, 3 more come up that says there is none. I've caught her in a bunch of stupid little lies that really meant nothing but I didn't say anything to her about them. They were more like lies to test me to see if I was spying and monitoring her because she keeps accusing of doing that. I am but I'm not that crazy about it, it's more like if I notice something I look into it. Her latest was I was away overnight, I had set up 2 VAR's and added a camera to system that was hidden in the bedroom, something just felt off before I left. When I checked to footage when I got back, there was a 6 hour block that was missing. When I checked the footage that was there, I saw her reach back behind the bedroom TV and unplug the cameras power supply, and then plug it back in 6 hours later. I'm still going through the audio from the VAR's so I don't know of anything for sure, but it just doesn't make sense. It's either she had someone at the house that wasn't supposed to be there, which will be on the VAR's, or she did it thinking I was going to check it when I got back and ask her about it and then accuse me of spying on her again. I'm seriously at a lose here.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Saddad44 said:


> How do you know it's time to file?
> 
> Long story short - we both had affairs. She doesn't seem very remorseful. Has completely disconnected. Barely talks to me. Zero attention, affection, care, respect, etc.
> 
> ...


Who cheated first?


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## Saddad44 (Apr 11, 2017)

I was fed up. Had started some new meds and made bad decisions and moved out. Was fed up for a lot of reasons, but not stuff that couldn't be fixed.

Her inability to pitch in around hr house with cooking cleaning ... anything. And she was a stay at home mom. She literally wouldn't do anything.

So I got fed up and left. 

I cheated about 2.5 weeks after I separated. The. Came home 3 days after and confessed as my conscience wouldn't allow me to keep it going.

I went insane for a few weeks. It was all a huge mistake I wish I could take back.


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## Saddad44 (Apr 11, 2017)

Me, the she revenge cheated after I came back and we were 'trying'


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## Saddad44 (Apr 11, 2017)

AtMyEnd said:


> Saddad44 said:
> 
> 
> > That sucks man. Very tough situation. There is no doubt in my mind about this one. She was using the guise of being at her sisters or dad's house over the weekend for her part of the affair. She texted me and asked me to pick up our son from a spend the night on a Saturday. We got home, he got on the computer and called me in saying there was something weird on the computer. She had left up her facebook and was a half naked picture she had sent to the dude. It old Jack to leave the room. Found out it was going on for about 5 weeks, lots of meet ups, sexting, etc. I confronted her, and she immediately lashed out at me. Within 30 minutes she was crying, apologizing/begging etc. We had an ok day that day after that, then I caught her in another lie and got mad. Ever since then, it has been awful with zero improvement, affection, feelings, connections, nothing. That was about 2 months ago or so?
> ...


That all seems very sketchy. I would review those vars asap.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Saddad44 said:


> Me, the she revenge cheated after I came back and we were 'trying'


Don't forget the important part of the "spark missing". That was what put your marriage in the crapper and was flushed down the toilet.

You did it. All of it. It started with the affair and ended with the "spark" talk. End this sham and what you started when you decided to give yourself space and then your affair just conveniently happened. 

Not a one night stand mind you, a couple of days enjoying your new found freedom. Why is her affair worse than yours? 

Why if you had her finally trying to do something towards saving the marriage did you kick her down when you brought up the "spark" ****? 

Yes, you were messed up, you still are and have learned nothing. Time to seek IC and let this dead marriage go.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Saddad44 said:


> Me, the she revenge cheated after I came back and we were 'trying'


I can understand that an affair shatters a marriage, but I will never understand this 'revenge cheating'. You are then acting just as badly as the one who cheated first. 
Its hard to heal and start again after affairs, its destroys so much of what marriage is.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> I can understand that an affair shatters a marriage, but I will never understand this 'revenge cheating'. You are then acting just as badly as the one who cheated first.
> Its hard to heal and start again after affairs, its destroys so much of what marriage is.


He didn't have the revenge affair, @Diana7, he started it when he left the marriage because he was fed up of her being lazy and doing none of the work a Stay at Home mom should do. 

Once he found his new freedom, he didn't mean to cheat but he did. Wasn't repentant right away, but a couple of rumps later. Went home to lazy wife and confessed due to guilt. She was angry and forgave and finally started working on making their marriage real. 

Then he hits her with the fact that the "spark" was gone from their relationship on his end. WTF, she was finally trying and had actively participated in the reconciliation process and it was still not enough for him. I suspect nothing would be. She found her anger with a vengeance and set herself free of this terrible husband of a man. She cheated after he kicked her down for the last time.

Her mistake was cheating and thinking she was done with the marriage before seeing a lawyer or having him leave and stating the marriage was over. Now he wants to take advantage of her affair, to get as much as he can from this marriage he killed. She just reacted to his stupidity in a terrible and damaging way for her. 

he keeps starting threads and a little more of his craziness keeps popping up. I have no idea where the guilt came from or if it is even real. His actions beg to differ iMO.

OP, I am not trying to bash you. You did all this. You killed it all. Please seek professional help and do it for your boy. Not for you or your soon to be X wife; first do it for him. He is going to need you. But he needs you healthy and sane. You are neither right now.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Saddad44 said:


> I was fed up. Had started some new meds and made bad decisions and moved out. Was fed up for a lot of reasons, but not stuff that couldn't be fixed.
> 
> Her inability to pitch in around hr house with cooking cleaning ... anything. And she was a stay at home mom. She literally wouldn't do anything.
> 
> ...


How old are you guys?

It really does seem as though there is too much water under the bridge. Even if you could fix the cheating you both did, your wife is still a pot addict and will need to fix that as well. I actually thing that should be the first thing to be fixed as she is not in her right mind and my be a danger to your kid. It may just be after that you both co-parent.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I can understand that an affair shatters a marriage, but I will never understand this 'revenge cheating'. You are then acting just as badly as the one who cheated first.
> Its hard to heal and start again after affairs, its destroys so much of what marriage is.


It's wrong but I would never call it's as bad. For lots the marriage is over as soon as the cheating happens. Marriage is the only contract were one party brakes the terms but people expect the other party to uphold the terms afterwords. That seems terribly unjust in my book. Once a contract is broken there is no contract, so I don't think it is the same thing. Plus usually the person who revenge cheats is acting out of trauma and do things they wouldn't do in their right mind. Though I do think revenge cheating is a bad idea because it really doesn't help. The person who does it ends up feeling worse many times. Better to just break up. 

Anyway you don't get wanting to inflict pain against someone who inflicted pain on you? Have you ever been cheated on? Trust me the rage you feel is unlike anything you have ever felt before. At least it was for me. I have never been that angry before or since. It actually scared me.


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## Saddad44 (Apr 11, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Diana7 said:
> 
> 
> > I can understand that an affair shatters a marriage, but I will never understand this 'revenge cheating'. You are then acting just as badly as the one who cheated first.
> ...


I agree she was likely acting out of traumas. It was with an old friend of mine. I do not think for a second there were any feelings there, she was looking for attention and he's a scum bag that will bang anything that walks. 

However, it does anger me that she thinks she has this morale high road and puts zero effort into the relationship. I keep the anger to myself as I am focused on proving myself. I have forgiven her actions and moved on. Again, my only goal is to be happy again and find what we used to have. We have had many happy times, but it seems hopeless those can return.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Saddad, you have messed up. I would suggest you take the focus of your WW for now, you have precipitated all of this and have to own it. Just because your wife was lazy doesn't make you entitled to go out and cheat for 3 days, I suspect you wanted to teach her a lesson, she was devastated, you got her where you wanted her then kicked her when she was down. This is a huge issue from a female's perspective, she is not emotionally safe with you obviously, so in her (ahem) 'wisdom' she decided to get you back.

you both sound young, how old are you?

Please leave the marriage aside for now

Go get some therapy for yourself and work on you first of all.

Let your wife do what she must do, but you have to sort out yourself with or without her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> He didn't have the revenge affair, @Diana7, he started it when he left the marriage because he was fed up of her being lazy and doing none of the work a Stay at Home mom should do.
> 
> Once he found his new freedom, he didn't mean to cheat but he did. Wasn't repentant right away, but a couple of rumps later. Went home to lazy wife and confessed due to guilt. She was angry and forgave and finally started working on making their marriage real.
> 
> ...


He said his wife had a revenge affair because of his affair.


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## Saddad44 (Apr 11, 2017)

aine said:


> Saddad, you have messed up. I would suggest you take the focus of your WW for now, you have precipitated all of this and have to own it. Just because your wife was lazy doesn't make you entitled to go out and cheat for 3 days, I suspect you wanted to teach her a lesson, she was devastated, you got her where you wanted her then kicked her when she was down. This is a huge issue from a female's perspective, she is not emotionally safe with you obviously, so in her (ahem) 'wisdom' she decided to get you back.
> 
> you both sound young, how old are you?
> 
> ...


We are in our mid 30s. We had our kid and got married young.

We are in Marriage Counseling right now and I have been reading a lot of self help books and online materials.

I am almost to the screw it stage, but I don't want to be. I just can't be treated like a door mat, while still continuing to support her reckless habits and insane spending that has occurred over the past few months, coupled with being completely ignored and iced out. It's a horrible situation. 

I would feel better if she WAS tryign to fix herself, but she is just laying in bed all day, or the couch and smoking all day. :/


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She is DONE. The time to let go is now.


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## Saddad44 (Apr 11, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> She is DONE. The time to let go is now.


I'm not saying I disagree with you, but why stick around? Why go to MC? Why not just say so.

Why tell me there's hope? Tell me to be patient?

Mind games? Punishment? I don't understand that part...


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Saddad44 said:


> I'm not saying I disagree with you, but why stick around? Why go to MC? Why not just say so.
> 
> Why tell me there's hope? Tell me to be patient?
> 
> Mind games? Punishment? I don't understand that part...


To let you down easy.

See it all the time here on TAM.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Saddad44 said:


> I'm not saying I disagree with you, but why stick around? Why go to MC? Why not just say so.
> 
> Why tell me there's hope? Tell me to be patient?
> 
> Mind games? Punishment? I don't understand that part...


To make it easier on herself. And she doesnt want to look like the bad guy.


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## Saddad44 (Apr 11, 2017)

ButtPunch said:


> To let you down easy.
> 
> See it all the time here on TAM.


I suppose I can't disagree. Maybe I am just in denial. But honestly, I have done a lot of grieving about this already, so it wouldn't be a shocker.

I just hold onto a shred of hope. The MC suggested she meet with the spouse individually next week, I was kind of waiting to see how that went.

Waste of time? Just file?

I still have a little hope. The way she talks it makes it sound like she's very confused and unsure. I've read a lot of places 'if you aren't sure, then it won't work' - I don't know if I buy that.

Thanks to all for your guidance and replies.

EDIT: I don't think she's interested in letting me down easy. She is very pissed that I did it first, and has no issue being mean about it.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Saddad44 said:


> I suppose I can't disagree. Maybe I am just in denial. But honestly, I have done a lot of grieving about this already, so it wouldn't be a shocker.
> 
> I just hold onto a shred of hope. The MC suggested she meet with the spouse individually next week, I was kind of waiting to see how that went.
> 
> ...


Sometimes filing has an opposite effect for a while. It can renew her interest in you. 

However it is usually short lived, once it's done it's done. 

Start the divorce and live your own life. That's the best way to get her back if there is a shred of a chance.


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