# MIL dislikes me and my children...



## busybee4 (Oct 18, 2010)

My situation seems to be "the same, only different" as many other situations that I have read here...I would appreciate some guidance and suggestions on how best to handle this situation. My story, in a long "Readers Digest" version, is as follows:

I had a very bad first marriage that ended when I was pregnant with our second child (he didn't want the responsibility of a wife and children...). I put myself through nursing school (so I would have a way to support my children) and graduated with my BSN. That is when I met my current husband. We met at a Fund Raiser and neither one of us expected it to amount to anything serious (he was 7 years younger than I, never married and no kids). We dated for 2 years during which time I broke up with him several times suggesting he find someone younger with fewer challenges. He never stayed away long. When he proposed I again said, "No" stating all the complications that come with blended families as well as our age difference. He convinced me he had his eyes wide open and that he wanted us to be a family. We married shortly after. My children, then 6 and 3, asked my in-laws if they could call them grampa and gramma (they call my H "Dad"). They said absolutley, they would love that! Yeaa, 1 big happy family! So much for the background info, here comes the MIL part...

All was great with my MIL at first but just before we were to get married I started noticing that she would give me little verbal jabs once in awhile. After we were married the jabs became more frequent but she was subtle about it and never when the men were around. I decided to "take the high road" and just let it slide. After all, I'm sure she was just letting me know my place and that she was the Matriarch of the family and I needed to be aware of that. Right?! Everything seemed good with the children too. Then the jabs started getting hurtful..,"did you see so&so has a new girlfriend? It will never work, she's got a kid!" (uh, I have 2 kids!) Brother-in-law had new girlfirend...,"she is the nicest girl I have ever met. She is older, like you, but she has never been married or had kids thank God!" (wow!) The list goes on with such comments. It was like Ray Ramones mother with Debbie (Everybody Loves Raymond) always giving her horrible comments and Ray being oblivious and Debbie seething mad and hurt.
As the jabs got worse my tolerance got less. I started telling my H about things and not wanting to be around them very often. He is very close with his parents and, of course, thought I was over reacting, being sensitive. He had never heard her say anything! 

Our son was born. I started to notice less interaction with "my" kids, mostly from my MIL, FIL was still good. After our daughter was born 1 1/2 yrs later there was definetly a difference. "My" oldest daughter said to me, "I don't think gramma likes me." Why? "Maybe because I'm a step-kid." How sad is that. I started to notice "my" daughter would get real uncomfortable when they would come around a stick by my side. I saw my MIL cringe away from "my" kids when they tried to hug or kiss her! I told my H. We argued. He disagreed. Finally he asked "my" daughter (now 13) and she told him, " I don't think she likes me, she ignores me when no one else is around, she pulls away when I try to hug or kiss her..." Now he has to believe us and do something right?! It takes a long time and alot of arguing. He finally "confronts" his parents and thinks that should be the end of it. We move on like nothing happened...Happy family! I disagree. 

I spoke with my FIL and told him all the information my H had neglected to tell them in the "confrontation". He too disbelieved her actions but stated that they would not be a source of argument in our marriage (he is a nice man.) Under my FIL insistance my MIL called in tears stating she was sorry and never meant to hurt us and then quickly changed (I bet my FIL left the room!) to a snippy, "what exactley have I ever done..." (wow, Jeckel and Hyde!) Obviously she is not sorry and nothing has changed!

Now, my H thinks that because she called and "apologized" (although insincere) that we should forget everything and move on. We have had an agreement since this started getting bad (about 2 years ago) that he could take the younger kids and go see his parents when the older kids and I were gone. Several times he has broke that agreement and "snuck" his parents over or gone to see them with all the kids when I have been at work. He says where's the harm, what's the big deal?

Here is my issue: 1) I am mad as [email protected]*# that she could be intentionally mean to innocent children! and I don't like people who are mean, or who don't like my children. 2) I can't trust him to keep his word when he breaks our agreement (it also results in a HUGE fight). 3) He needs to defend his family. THIS family! He should be mad as [email protected]*# that his mom is mean to our kids. 4) I think being a grandparent is a privilige. Not a right. If your a bad one then you don't get the privilige (or very limited). 5) This will take time to heal (if it can). My H wants it done now and trys to force the issue. 6) I think we need to stay with our agreement (he and the younger kids can visit and leave the older kids and I out) until things have had time to show improvement.

What do I do? I think I need to protect my kids and teach them that it is not ok to be mean or allow someone to be mean to them. My H thinks that the kids will be "fine" and we should just move past it. Please advise. I will not accept divorce but we cannot continue in constent stress and tension over his mother!

Thank you!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I think allowing him to take the younger kids to see the grandparents and keeping the older kids away doesn't solve the problem either. That just makes the older kids feel even more left out and ostracised than they already do, and it makes the younger kids even more aware that there is a difference between them and the older. 

The only real way to solve this is for all of the adults involved to sit down and have a very honest discussion about what is going on. It might be necessary to have the kids tell the grandparents how they feel. But this whole expecting him to go to them is not going to work. 

It's like that old game where you whisper in each other's ear and the message that was passed in the beginning is totally different from what is passed at the end. Your husband isn't seeing the problem, so he can't go to his mother and ask that it change. He *should* be backing you up, definitely, but you need to be the one to talk to her about the kids. You know what's going on, you see it clearly. 

Another option is to call her out every time she does something to the kids that isn't how you want her to treat them. A simple, "hey, mom, that was really kind of rude. do you think you could apologize?" or something of that nature should do the trick. Call her out on it enough and she should eventually begin to be more self aware and realize what she is doing.


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

First of all I am SO sorry you have to deal with this. I completely understand how awful this situation is. My MIL loves to ignore me, glare at me, and say snarky things that my DH is oblivious to. Like you, I am not willing to simply put up with being treated poorly just because I have the misfortune of a horrible MIL. My DH has talked to her in the past, but her behavior only changes for a little while and she's back to herself.

How to act in in-law situations can be tricky. 

Would your H be willing to go to counseling? Your view on the situation is apparently not convincing enough, so maybe hearing from a third party will help him realize that his mother is disrespecting you, your kids, and him with her snide comments and unfair treatment. Also, it seems some people don't get it until their parents cross some sort of line with them. Sometimes with these people you can wait and give them enough rope to hang themselves.

You have options. First of all, you should stand your ground and not let you or your children be treated badly by your MIL or anyone. That's your job as mom. (FWIW, I've been where your daughter is, feeling like the black sheep bastard of the family. It's a terrible feeling that lasts for MANY years.) You could start going with your H and kids and point out all the things she does that are unfair. When she says rude things, ask her why she would say such a thing. You could opt to cut them off completely from you and your children. They either need to treat them all fairly, and by your rules or not be allowed to see them. Your husband is undermining you and saying that it's okay for his parents to act as they do by going behind your back. That needs to stop. 

Ideally your H would think his parents behavior is a problem, but lots of guys think the way yours does. They don't see all the damage it's causing. Part of it is the conniving subtleties of the MIL. But, I think a lot of it is because they were raised by these people and probably see their dysfunctional behavior as normal. It's not. Don't let him convince you that it's not a big deal, you should just put up with it, etc. You will grow to resent him SO much for not protecting you and his family. Not his parents. His family. 

Everyone with in-law problems should read "Toxic In-Laws" by Susan Forward. Good luck.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

I've been through the same thing with my In-laws. I have a daughter from a previous relationship who my In-laws never seemed to take to. It was sad because like you, her father is not around and neither is his family. It got worse when we had our son together. That kid is the golden child. He can do no wrong in their eyes. The difference in my situation is that MY parents never took to HIS kids from a previous relationship either. So, both of us felt resentful and angry about both of our parents.
I can't offer much advise other than to talk to your husband and make sure he is on your side. We can't change how our parents act.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only way to solve it is for all 4 adults to sit TOGETHER in one room and talk it out.

And, after that, keep a recorder in your pocket so you can play it back to her husband when she 'switches.'


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

busybee4 said:


> What do I do? I think I need to protect my kids and teach them that it is not ok to be mean or allow someone to be mean to them. My H thinks that the kids will be "fine" and we should just move past it. Please advise. I will not accept divorce but we cannot continue in constent stress and tension over his mother!
> 
> Thank you!


If it were JUST a MIL issue, my advice would be different. But the kids are being impacted. And she sounds like an irrational witch. 

In my opinion, you need to get the family into family counseling. Your husband needs to HEAR the older children. The fact that THEY feel it is a problem. If he doesn't get on board with that idea, one has to wonder if he too hasn't begun to think of HIS children as better, more important. Is Mommy Wormtongues nonsense falling on fertile ears?

If he is not going to stand up for your children, that is a Big Marital Problem.


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