# My wife wants to leave me



## dru0618 (Jul 5, 2018)

My wife wants to leave me

We have been been together 7 years, married 4 and a half and have two children 4 and almost 1. My youngest turns 1 in just 3 weeks ! 

A month ago on my birthday! when I was trying to get intimate my wife came out and told me the marriage isn't working and she doesn't know if she loves me anymore. This all came to a head as the day before I said something I shouldn't that was aggressive as we have had issues in the past about the way I speak to her. I absolutely love her and my kids and at times I do say the wrong things. We have argued in the past and split up a few times but never more than a day! 

It's now been a month and I've been out the family home since it happened. This time it's different, it's all come to a head, we didn't argue, we calmly spoke and she got everything off her chest and I left the home. 

The last month has been up and down, we are going to counselling and have been on a 'date' as well as a couple of family trips to the zoo etc but she told me nothing has changed and she doesn't know if she is in love with me or because of the way I have treated her if she can ever trust me to change

I keep telling her I've changed, and I really have. Spending a month away from her and the kids is enough to kick me into a different man. The time we have spent together has been amazing and even the other night we were laughing and being silly watching the football just me and her. But she says that it's just a friendship and can't see it changing. 

She has spoken of a trial separation and actually distancing ourselves even more as currently we do message every day, mostly about the kids. We have a family whatsapp group so I still see and comment on pictures of the kids daily. I've bought her surprise presents, taken her out for dinner, watched the football with my son and her but I don't know what to do? I keep fighting and we have only been to the councillor three times (twice on our own) 

I tell her our friendship needs to be spot on, we need to laugh and giggle and I need to prove I'm a better man. But she says maybe it's too little too late. 

I just don't know what to do? She is my best friend and I love her and don't want this to be the end. I can't imagine only ever seeing my kids on the weekend for the rest of my life and another man potentially kissing my wife, but nothing is changing as far as I can see in the last month! We are meant to go away in 7 weeks for a week! 

Any advice?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Is there someone else in the picture...think and search the phone records before answering


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## dru0618 (Jul 5, 2018)

I would never say 100% but I can say 99.999%. She isn't the type, is exhausted daily and doesn't go out. Goes to bed at 9pm every night (I have ring at home so I know if she is in and out, not in a creepy way) This isn't to do with an affair.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What did you say to her?

Can you be more specific about how you think you've treated her?

Has she brought up this treatment before?


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## dru0618 (Jul 5, 2018)

I'm not proud but in an argument I said I will hurt you. I've never hit her or would I, but i still said it. In the past I have had a major argument in a shop and called her a c*nt. Again not proud. These are the two neagtives. The other issues are I have mild OCD so always liked the house tidy but now understand looking after two kids it's not always possible.

I know these are serious issues but I'm working on them on myself and councelling but i think putting all the highs aside of which there are many, these can't be forgotten about.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So you're a bully, but now that she's told you she's done all of a sudden you're a changed man?

This is all about you. Many abusers feel bad about it but abuse anyway.

To be honest you don't sound changed. You're still trying to control everything and are still pushing and bullying. Let her go and get help for yourself. 

Maybe she'll see and reconsider.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

She is smart to run away from you.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

If she has chosen to split over just those two instances, that's pretty extreme.

As you reflect back, has she talked to you other times about how you treat her, or you saying/doing things that she feels is aggressive? Generally, wives give a lot of warnings, but sometimes the husbands don't really hear them because they think they will never leave. Many times the husband hears, but will only try for a week or two and then go right back to his old ways, essentially still not hearing...when this happens for years on end, the love slowly dies, and when she is done, she's done, and there is no going back.

If it is only the two instances, then you need to look for more subtle signs that she may be cheating. Always on her phone, sleeps with it right by her, dressing different etc. No one thinks their spouse is going to cheat. Yet, some do.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

If my h, told me he will hurt me, you bet i will leave him. Calling her a c***, means you are insulting and dehumanizing her. I would leave for. I hate that word.

You are just trying to please her into returning home. What kinda work have you done on yourself?


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## dru0618 (Jul 5, 2018)

So basically the marriage is over!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Threat of physical harm, name calling and a (slight OCD? Either you are or you are not. Kind of like being a little bit pregnant). Understand these three things amount to abuse. Have you gotten yourself into a anger management class/counseling? That would be my first step if I was in your shoes. It may not help with this marriage but it will certainly help you in future relationships.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

dru0618 said:


> So basically the marriage is over!


Sadly, on so many levels yes but if there was the 1% chance that you would save it, it would most likely come in the form of a new relationship with her in the future. 

And if there was any chance of that, you need to dedicate your life to change, constant and consistent. Better yourself. Become a better Father, a better human being. In time, you will feel better about yourself. Sadly as I have learned myself and so many others, once the decision has been made up, there's hardly ever turning back. 

The path to the 1% chance of being with her in the future is the same path as bettering yourself, so it should be an easy choice, as the worst thing that would happen, is you become a better person.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

It sounds like she has pretty much checked out of the relationship and is ready to move on because being without you is easier on her than being with you. And having the month to herself has likely made her realize she'll be ok on her own. Sometimes we all get to a point where attempts at correction are a little too late.

It sounds to me like you are also holding out hope for reconciliation because of your interaction with her (football game, presents, dinner) but women think differently about such things and she can easily be your friend, which she says you are now. But of course you aren't thinking on those terms. Ravishing her with gifts may backfire on you because in her current mindset it will make her feel uncomfortable when she is considering leaving you. Even though you are "dating" occasionally, you two are not in a dating mode where doting on her is going to make her concentrate on you more. She knows the real you.

So, just saying you have changed is not going to convince her because again, she knows the real you. You are going to have to prove to her that you have changed and that is going to take time. I don't think this is correctable with gifts and promises. If I were you I would step back a bit...give her some space but keep in contact. Give her gifts when appropriate..birthday, anniversary, holidays. Try to keep her going out for "dates" so you can communicate uninterrupted, maybe once a week if possible, but don't hound her. Try to get her to keep going to counseling with you. You also need individual counseling to help you get a handle on your behavior but it's important that both of you have counseling together so you can both talk openly and frankly about your issues.

Finally, I think the very first thing I would do is sit down with her and tell her...I know you have no reason to stay, no reason to give me another chance, and no reason to believe me when I tell you I have changed. These past weeks have opened my eyes and I truly do want to become a different man. I know I will have to prove this to you and don't expect you to just take me back on my word. But, I hope you will give me some time to show that I can be the man you want me to be, and the man you want to be with.

Best of luck...truly hoping you change and can win back your wife.


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## dru0618 (Jul 5, 2018)

Slight OCD is what I say slight. Wanting a tidy house isn't room to leave me, that I can change. I just realise now in the grand scheme of things that isn't a major problem and I have to keep my mouth closed. 

The anger issues I am talking about I am discussing with my councillor, with my wife who is currently coming. I'm not excusing it but these instances have been far and few in 7 years and being away for a month has made me realise exactly what has to change. And it's not just words it's reality. I'm worried it's too late though and don't know what to do next especially with the kids?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Move back in. Tell her she wants out there is the door and that she is free to start over. The kids stay until the courts decide otherwise.


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## Proverbs21:19 (Jul 5, 2018)

what did she do that made you that mad to say something like that? if it was an epic fight and there's another side it might be relevant.


right now you are coming across as the abuser and her just not picking up. are we missing something. if so, say it......


if not, get help and I wish you the best.


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## dru0618 (Jul 5, 2018)

Thank you so much Big Toe. I'm not a bad person, I've just not treated her as well as i Should. She even says I'm not a bad person but all the grinding her down, has now ended it where we are. I will follow some of your advice and back off the messaging and socialising as a family and give her space


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

dru0618 said:


> I'm not proud but in an argument I said I will hurt you. I've never hit her or would I, but i still said it. In the past I have had a major argument in a shop and called her a c*nt. Again not proud. These are the two neagtives. The other issues are I have mild OCD so always liked the house tidy but now understand looking after two kids it's not always possible.
> 
> I know these are serious issues but I'm working on them on myself and councelling but i think putting all the highs aside of which there are many, these can't be forgotten about.


I sure as hell wouldn't stay with a man if he did this to me. Your outbursts may not be often, as you claim, but it isn't frequency that is the issue. That you would say this to the person you supposedly love and are supposed to cherish and be committed to is inexcusable. Not sure what you think gives you the right. You may need to face the fact that you may have very well lost her. If you love her as you claim, then if she wants out, you will respect that decision and let her go. I am glad you are getting help.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Is she a stay at home Mom? How many kids? How old? All yours?


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## dru0618 (Jul 5, 2018)

Yes she is a stay at home mum, works a couple of days a week some weeks but not regularly employed. Kids are 4 and almost 1 and yes both mine.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

dru0618 said:


> So basically the marriage is over!


Only time will tell if your marriage is over. But that is the least of your concern now. Rather what you need to do is learn from this experience and really do something about it. Work on your self, Focus on your self and become the best version of you that you can be. You cannot change a life time of habits and behavior in one month. It requires prolonged sustained effort to actually change. So that is what you must do. But do it for yourself. Do not do it in hopes of saving your relationship. Your W may see the change and reconsider. But that should not be your motivation, it would only be an added benefit if it happens.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

dru0618 said:


> Thank you so much Big Toe. I'm not a bad person, I've just not treated her as well as i Should. She even says I'm not a bad person but all the grinding her down, has now ended it where we are. I will follow some of your advice and back off the messaging and socialising as a family and give her space


Well sir, my first thought was you coming to your W with you hat in hand. Once there, apologize for your past behavior(and mean it when you say it). In your next breath explain to you W that you understand the problem(and it is you/your anger issues) and you will correct it going forward. Now, these are just words and your W will say she will not believe the change will have staying power. You simply ask if she would allow you the time to make the changes and demonstrate the charges are for good. Then make the changes. Be the H you should be and your W wants.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

A stay at home mom who works outside the home very little has plenty of time to develop relationships outside of your knowledge. Online for example. You would not be the first nor the last big mouth guy getting the "I'm done ' while she has a guy waiting in the wings or the almost as bad "I don't need him but I can soak him for the next 18 years on his dime because I'm entitled". 

Before you end up divorced and living in a tent paying alimony and child support wondering what happened you better move back in. Take anger management classes to deal with your potty mouth and your foul temper. Keep a VAR on you if she demands you leave and starts baiting you for a fight She insists on separation tell her no, we either go to marriage counseling or we start the divorce proceedings immediately. Tell her as she is the one who insists on separation/divorce means she moves out and you two split custody of the kids. She can start by getting a job and getting use to both your lives being downsized because that is what divorce is going to look like. 

Better check your phone bill and start snooping too.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Proverbs21:19 said:


> what did she do that made you that mad to say something like that? if it was an epic fight and there's another side it might be relevant.


"Mad enough" to threaten physical violence? Nothing should "make" one mad enough to threaten violence.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

I wouldn’t bother snooping, or forcing your way back into the house. Even you agree this is about you and your issues, not her being unfaithful. Snooping and spying on her at this point will make you look like a psycho.

When you threatened to hurt you Wife , what exactly did you say to her?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> So you're a bully, but now that she's told you she's done all of a sudden you're a changed man?
> 
> This is all about you. Many abusers feel bad about it but abuse anyway.
> 
> ...


This sums it up without all the rabbit trail distractions and red herrings.


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## Jasminka (May 4, 2017)

Mild form of OCD??? Read my 2 threads if you want to know what your wife is thinking. You seem like a clone of my husband. I can't copy the links because I don't have enough posts count, but you can look them up on my profile (right click my name, under statistics , threads started by jasminka)


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Those are both abusive actions, and people who are abusive aren't just having a bad day. Abuse escalates.

I'm not convinced those are the only 2 abusive things you have done to your wife in the few years you have been together.

Let her go, and be nice to her during the divorce: give her what she wants.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

I'm going to be straight with ya once women get to that point it doesn't matter if you do back flips for her it's just how women are some men are like that also. 
Whatever you are doing it ain't helping if thats the case what you should do is this.
Completely agree that the marriage ain't working maybe splitting up makes sense. Then do 180 dont text,call, go about your life content, act like your happy way things will turn out, dont bother her at all. Now keep in mind you are just bluffing and dont flip flop you gotta keep up the act. Why this works is "people want what they can't have" you want your wife more than ever right now. But this is true in reverse she can have you back but she on the fence. Once you put this inro action and act you departed for good may take a few weeks she may be triggered to rethink everyyhing. Yes women will wonder what is up. But i caution using this only use this if things are not improving which it has. 
I 100% promise this will get her attention!!


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