# Lost, no where to turn to and no one to talk to.



## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

I apologize if this is long but I will keep it as short as possible. I have come here for advice, to vent, and hopefully to gain some more understanding from someone that can see things from another viewpoint then my own that is unbiased. 

First of all I LOVE my wife with all my heart, nothing we have ever gone through has or will change that. In the beginning dec 1997 we met and fell head over heals for each other, it was like a fairy tale everything seemed perfect, we even finished each others sentences, and I don’t mean off and on I mean like we were reading each others mind and practically every sentence. We got along great physically, mentally emotionally, and spiritually you couldn’t ask for a better match. I quit an apprentiship for my dream job when I moved in with her and went back to my old profession though it tore me down physically because of a birth defect I have in my sternum. I do not regret this she is worth it. She went back to work as a dancer as she was bartending instead when I met her but was not making much money (we met in a coffee shop when she came in with an acquaintance of mine and the acquaintance came over to say hello. 

It was great for awhile but I started having a weird feeling and noticing some things and began to believe she was being unfaithful which started animosity building she denied it and we went on with our lives. We ended up moving across the country, to Colorado, she got pregnant, and we decided to move to Arizona to be closer to family and try a business opportunity. We had to live with her brother and sister in law. In Colorado I had again suspected possible infidelity but wasn’t sure and after having many relationships where I was cheated on things were getting rough for me, her brother had me running his business and mine and doing all the stuff at his house to pay the bills, we should have looked into things before making the venture there was to much competition and way to small of a town to make a profit, and there were no other jobs. My wife was sexually abused as a child as I was, what I didn’t know until we were there a short while was that her brother had done it to her. I was at the point of a mental breakdown. Finally the baby came we were so happy with her. But we were so stressed with each other and our situation we were losing it. I saw some things I didn’t like about how my wife treated our daughter and was told many bad things by the sister in law and brother when I added those up I lost it and filed for divorce and custody of our daughter. the brother tried to kick her out of the house but she had just had the baby, I tried to stop it but it didn’t work, she went to a shelter because of mental abuse from her brother and because I wanted full custody until she could prove she could take proper care of our daughter then I was going to go 50/50. I found out her brother and sister in law lied to me and she had had 6 miscarriages and they were trying to get me to take the baby and they were going to use my history as a teenager which wasn’t good because I hadn’t handled my abuse well as a teenager to try and take the baby from me.

My wife and I got back together and moved to Oregon. I know I handled things wrong in Arizona and I apologized but between the situation with her family, the infidelity I suspected and my stress I lost it. She forgave me but to this day can’t get over it, I did what I did to protect my daughter mainly and because I was fed up and stressed. After getting to Oregon I got a good job but it barley paid the bills she went back to dancing to help. I suspected things again, when she started using the internet a lot and playing in virtual worlds it got worse she never admitted anything for years and most she never has. But after using a key logger and hacking emails which I felt bad about I confirmed many things I was suspecting. She had decided to go to California with some friends to work, but she really went to see a guy she had an online relationship with for 6 months at the time, she came back and asked for a divorce. We eventually got back together though we could never move apart due to financial reasons and never got a divorce. After that we separated (still living together) many times, our sex life most of our relationship was once every 1-3 years except in the very beginning and the last 2 years though that was very sparse also. because of making out with or having sex with others all those times when we were together I had an immense amount of animosity and pulled away from her, she in turn felt unloved and pulled away from me and went for other guys, it has been a reoccurring issue. 

So now we are at the point of not sure whether we are going to split, if we do this time it will be for good things are different this time, she admitted her online infidelity to me very quickly I knew but didn’t say anything she actually brought it up. They are broken up now because she told him about me and what we have been discussing, she hurt him and he lost it. This time we both agree something has got to change. She was honest for the first time without my asking. We are both hurt lost and unsure of everything. I want to try this last time as I see a little hope where I never saw much before, I have been trying without trying to push. She says she needs to work on herself and knows I do also. I have been working on myself and making gains, but I love her dearly and don’t want to lose her. She says she needs time but she isn’t leaving yet, but doesn’t seem to want to work on anything she wont hold my hand or let me touch her in anyway (non sexually of course) she doesn’t want me saying I love you, or texting her to smile etc. From the way she talks it seems she doesn’t want to be together anymore but doesn’t want to hurt me. I know she loves me but is not in love with me and hasn’t been since Arizona all those years ago. I'm so stressed and lonely I don’t know how good my perception is and don’t want to make the wrong move but I know if I don’t try she will feel unwanted and unloved, we are both tired of feeling this way. Every time we tried to work it out before one would try at one point another would try at another point but never at the same time and we both now this. Both of us have major health issues she can no longer walk or stand for long periods of time, and I have had my sternum reconstructed twice pulled off my heart and lungs , we both have carpal tunnel, I have arthritis in my hands, my knees are shot, etc. We barely eat because we cant afford to, I got laid off from my good job in Oregon 2 years ago, so we moved closer to different family 2 years ago in Florida, it took over a year to find a job then they cut the entire crew 1 1/2 weeks later, I just 1 month ago found a part time job but it doesn’t pay our bills and she cant do much for work though she wants to go to school for 3d graphic design which she is great at already and I think it is a good thing that she does. 

If we divorce neither of us can afford to live on our own but I couldn’t handle living with her that way again. She gets an inheritance every year for 7 more years but our bills are so high the inheritance is already gone when we get it. We have been forced to live off the credit card to eat, have a roof over our heads etc. but it was maxed out long ago and we can’t pay the monthly bills on it. Her father died almost a year ago, and our dog, which she helped give birth to a year before we met and was like our first kid she died at just under 15 years old a little over a month ago. All these issues besides our relationship issues have her about to have a mental breakdown. I have forgiven her for her indiscretions and I realize she is in a fog, but with the situation she will most likely fall into an EA and/or PA just to feel something again as she is numb. I would have to leave if she did that again or risk losing what I have left of myself which isn’t much. 

Our 11 year old daughter knows something is wrong but not what and i'm so afraid to hurt her if we split I know it would tear her apart but neither of us can be the parent we should be if we don’t take care of ourselves either. i’m sorry if this is sporadic and not nearly as detailed as I wanted to write but i’m exhausted and have to get up for a job interview and get my daughter ready for school in a few hours. All in all I truly love her with all my heart and want to work it out and will not give up if she is willing to try with me, but she isn’t really ready to try and I’m lost as to what to do. After reading many posts at this site I understand more what’s happening to her and I understand how I affect her more then I realized before. I wish she could but she doesn’t and I can’t make her understand. 

How do I give her space without seeming uncaring, or her finding a new EA/PA, or being allowed to show affection for her in any way? It seems to me that it will lead her back to the same crap if we do that, but she may just be done and not want to hurt me. I don’t know, I can’t think anymore so I will leave it here. Thanks for your time reading this and any advice you may give.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Can you break this into paragraphs? It's hard to read a giant block of text. Thanks.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Darksoul,

First off - your name is quite telling. I feel a lot of sympathy for your life and relationship. I don't know how you've kept your head up.

There's so many issues here, this is much more complicated than I think anyone here is qualified to help with. Poverty, debt, sexual abuse, child custody, multiple separations, major health issues... you might be elgible for government welfare or at least debt consolidation. I'm not sure what area you live in, but look up "Social Services" or "Human Services" either online or in the phone book in your area. You can make an appointment to speak with a case worker and find out what programs you might be elgible for. You'll need identification and will have to fill out forms.

But the basic needs are so important. Food, shelter, safety. Until you take care of those things for your family, the other issues will seem insurmountable.

Also talk to the case worker about free counseling services that you may be elgible for. You and your wife have so much pain in your past that you both would probably benefit from the experience I think.

Good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What do YOU want to do?


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## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

Government turned us down due to her inheritance. I want to work things out but don't think she is ready and definetly not willing at the moment (I feel if it doesn't change for the better soon that it wont at all, I will be patient though). Counseling I seriously doubt will be an option from previous discussions about it. Been looking at the relationship barometer post and that seems to make sense for most of our relationship. Going to try and work on that for awhile. 

Trying and slowly succeeding on getting myself straight but its a nonstop struggle. She doesn't want touched at all not even holding hands, no saying ILY, etc. so im basically focusing on myself to get my self esteem back, and trying to eat better and get what i can of my health back, it's hard with no energy though. As I get a little less deppressed I am getting a little energy back.

Going to buy "The way of the superior man" as from what I read here and other places it sounds like it would be beneficial (I am not strong like I used to be anymore). That and give me something to do, boredom is another issue, lol.

Flat out I love her with all my heart and wouldn't have married her if I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with her, so I am going to wait and see what happens. As long as there are no more EA or PA's I can handle that and working on myself. If one happens though I will have to move and see my daughter less though, which will kill me, but I have to do what i need for me to be able to take care of my daughter properly. My daughter is the most important thing in my life.


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

Darksoul, I have nothing but respect for you - you truly seem to be a survivor. And for that reason alone, I'm sure you'll turn out okay in the long run.

For the time being, keep your chin up - hum, listen to music, take walks, feel better about yourself. Those things are crucial.

Good luck man.


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## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

OK new updates. Wife wants to be roomates only nothing else but says she doesn't want to divorce at this point. She wants to be free no matter what to do anything she wants to get herself back. Unfortunatly we have been seperated before and living together and it was so stressful I about lost it. I can't handle when living together when she is in a relationship with others etc.

She made up with her EA/PA but supposedly told him she doesnt want anything serious. Though she admitted that he is the only one to ever come close to having the connection we used to.

She says she cant handle being a single mom and paying bills etc, which with her psiatica and no degree is mostly true. She will have a very hard time finding a job even in a good economy that she can actually do unless she gets her degree in 3d graphic design which is what she wants to do, and i support, since she can't walk or stand for very long.

With all the stress from living with her and wanting to be with her still it will be difficult to watch her as she goes from relationship to relationship (which she will, even if it isn't serious) while living here and difficult to work on myself.

The only way i can move out without a full time job is to move in with my parents which will mean I wont get to see my daughter often at all. Where we live now is the only place my daughter has been happy and not had to deal with prejudice etc. I would only get to see her on weekends and only if i can get a job where id move to and there are literally NO jobs there. so I wouldn't be able to afford gas to drive the 2 hours each way to get her. I like it here in this town also, I would not be happy at my parents.

My wife doesnt want family or freinds to know (excluding her freinds) and I have no freinds here whatsoever, i don't know anyone. She still has no clue as to how to get over the arizona issue described above and says when i broke her heart all those years ago she has never been able to get past it, that she has tried and forgiven me but hasnt been able to go any farther. She says she cant keep trying to live her life for us but needs to take care of herself and cant do that in a relationship. She says shes being selfish and she needs to be for her. I understand and was there the 2 years before i met her, but i was never married and didnt have a kid then either.

Last night she told our daughter we may divorce, etc. My daughter broke down but seems to understand though i think she is holding most of it in.

I feel there may actually be a chance if i stay but it will be a long way down the road and many heartbreaks for me if so. If i leave with the added stress of trying to support herself etc. she may lose it even kill herself she is that far gone. She and I both are close to having a mental breakdown. 

2 years ago when we moved to florida things were actually getting better but when her father passed on and recently our dog which was like our first child she lost everything even more.

It is a fight not to let myself slip into depression every minute of the day and casuing stress on me even at work (not liking my job doesnt help either). Does anyone have any ideas on freee ways to keep my mind off of things? ANy ideas on what to do in my situation. I am up for 2 interviews next week that may give me the money to move out near here which may help but will probably cause animosity from my wife since she wont be able to support herself and if i leave to be able to stay in town i would not be able to afford child support. Granted ill be able to afford less if i move in with my parents. If we are over I canaccept that, but I need to know for sure and if thats the case I cant go on and help myself very easy still desiring her living in the same house and watch her with others even if it is only online etc.

On top of all that my grandmother is going to die any day, and with his health problems as bad as they are my father is already ready to pass on, and not far from it either.

I'm sorry if my posts are long but as i said I have no one to talk to at all not even to vent to, all of you here are all i have, im not the most social person, new freinds usually come to me i dont find them. I look forward to hearing from you, ty for any insight into my situation that you may be able to provide. TY akcroy, hoopsfan, and jellybean for the help you have already provided. I appreciate it all.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

If you are religiously inclined, pick up the book "love must be tough" asap. I'll try to post more later.


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## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

Well were officially seperated, will be living together until end of may due to financial matters. I'm trying to find a second job to cover living in this area near my daughter, if not i will be out of work and moving to an area with no jobs and farther away as i will have no where else to go. Had a good talk with her last night but it is definetly time to part. Daughter knows i'm moving out and seems ok with things though i beleive she is internalizing it. The hard part is still ahead but i'll get there, it's hard have to take it one minute at a time, i don't want this but we need this. I'm not sure how to go on from here as weve been together for so long and i no longer know who i am. Will just have to do my best i guess.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I was going to say that it really isn't fair for her to have an EA/PA, not be willing to reconcile, and not suffer the consequences of then having to be a single mother.

What is the plan from here? Are you going to try to work it out in MC?

If you are headed for D, you need to talk to a lawyer or find books on it. There are a lot of weird things like who moves out of the house and how often you see your daughter that will greatly affect your final settlement.


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## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

I don't think she would go to MC, and currently i have to borrow money for food so we can eat so I can't pay a counselor. I used to work for a major corporation but our department was outsourced so i was laid off. Took forever to find another job, finally di and then they laid off the entire production and tech crew after me being there a week and a half. I now finally got a part time job but have been searching for fulltime for 2 years now and currently even another part time. Today i wsa interviewed for a part time job and they bumped me past the next interview to the head guy so i may have 2 part time jobs soon.

She is not looking for an EA/PA but they are freinds again, and from the past i would guess they will become more again. She is truly trying to focus on herself, she is trying to get into a top rated school she was accepted to many many years ago. I don't know what she truly wants for us, she says she wants to work it out but she can't be in this rut anymore, she can't do this. We are both that way.

We are not fighting, we agree on issues concerning our daughter, were not at each others throats for money etc. It is all different this time. It is going well and we are calm. I don't know if she plans to try for us in the future or not sometimes little comments make me think so, other times little comments sound like we are never getting back together. Most of the time by the way she talks i'm pretty sure we are over, though i don't acknowlegde or say that. I know she needs time and since i said i would move out she seems happier which hurts but is what needs to happen at this time period. She said i didnt have to go, but she admits she doesnt think she can fix herself with me here.

If we don't fix ourselves it wont work anyway so I made the choice to leave. She doesn't always mean what she says though and then gets mad because i quote "don't know her" so this could have been the wrong move, but when i look at the small amount of happiness she has gained since i made this decision I think it was the right one for us both.

I am trying to strech and get more exercise. Spending more time doing housework and with my daughter. Mostly not talking to my wife unless it is about going to the store to buy us food, our daughter etc. Just giving her her space. I signed up for 2 clubs, a kayaking club, and an outdoor club today. The outdoors whether hiking, camping, fishing, etc. have always been a part of me, they were a part of my wife also, but once we met we both stopped doing those things, this not only hurt ourselves i beleive but our marriage as it was an internal need for both of us. I have been working on myself, and I am becoming happier with myself already faster then i expected, it is hard to hold on to but i'm doing it. Most of the things i want to do for myself cost money so I am limited but it is set in my mind to do them and i am working towards it.

We have land about 1 hour 45 minutes from here we were originally going to purchase a house with her inheritance and when our daughter is old enough build on the land and move there. I don't think this will happen at all now even if we stay together she will be moving for her career with or without me. my parents own the land connected to my property ( we bought it at the same time) I would inherit theirs when they pass on. I don't want to sell it and I don't think my wife wants me to. She says the land is mine, i already told her her fathers inheritance is hers. 

Unfortunatly since i have been unemployed/underemployed for so long we have been forced to borrow money and live off the credit card (been maxed out for awhile now) no other choice. I will not be able to pay the monthly or pay off the credit card and she will have less then me for at least a year or so (she will still buy the house for our daughter but it has been postponed). I am thinking of selling the land to buy a motorcycle ( which is one of the few things I enjoy and that relaxes me) which will also lower my monthly gas bill. all the rest of the money from selling the land will go to the credit card to bring the bill down to feasable payments or if i get enough pay it off to releive some of our debt. Does this sound like the right thing to do and a good option, or should I hold on to it and struggle more for awhile?

In may when i move she said she would buy me a bed and small tv which is nice so that i have something. I will give her what i can spare to help with her bills and our daughters when her money runs out. She had sold her car to help cover bills not long before all this happened (my car was the more mechanically sound, more powerful, and used less gas) so she is buying a 3 wheel scooter which will save her gas. If i get my motorcycle (a cheap one) then i can leave her the jeep to use if it rains or she needs to take our daughter on a long trip etc. and when i get my daughter i can take the jeep. This will save us both money and keep our daughter safe yet allow us to both do more.

I would very much appreciate any advice on all i have written from the begining, or any clues especially from the women here as to what my wife may be thinking regarding "our" future. Thanks again to all that have posted here to help for your time and help.


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## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

OK so far we both seem a little happier. My change has affected us both and I think the decision to move out in may. Though we are seperated and I will be moving out I am not giving up on her. She actually hugged me this morning which hasn't happened in awhile. I've been reading "the way of the superior man but am having trouble applying a certain suggestion of his. To share my love with her as in non sexual touch is almost impossible. I have decided to give her the space she needs and not to touch her anymore she had pushed me away about a week ago and said she didn't want to hurt my feelings but she doesn't want me to hold her, hold her hand basically touch her in any way. I do try to sneak in a touch on her elbow etc whenever i can but can't get any farther then theat without giving up my promise and decision to not touch her, and she is a "Cold" woman as the book and relationship barmeter would rate her, if not freezing (this is something we both didnt know about and i'm trying to find a way to get it to her without her feeling pressured to work on us. Any suggestions on how to share my love through non sexual touching infrequently but without breaking my promise/decision? I beleive at this point if i can do this it may help immensely and give me the opportunity to try and work on other things from the book and barometer which currently i have few options in.

I talked to her yesterday about selling the land we own next to my parents land that we were originally planning to move to before her father passed on and she inherited half this house and after that we planned to move there and live when we were older and give the house we were going to buy here to our daughter. We have bills that we wont be able to pay otherwise and i could get my motorcycle which i could really use right now for gas savings and relaxation. She said she considers it mine since i used my 401k and severance from when i was laid off for it. She didn't sound happy about me selling it though. I would like to keep it for the future but if i don't sell it then we will have another $400 a month in bills i can't cover. I had told my parents they could use it for whatever if they needed it until we moved there and i would inherit there land when they pass on (which wont be long before my father does). I think they would understand. The question is should I sell it, i can get at least 3 times what i paid for it even in this market, i got a great deal on it when i bought it?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I'm glad things are looking better.

Financial issues can really choke a happy marriage and put constant stress on those in it. Work hard to fix those.

I don't really have any more advise right now, but feel free to ask more questions or to update. Best of luck.


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## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

Well i found out some more details yesterday. She is apparently not having panic attacks anymore since we decided to seperate and I decided to move out. It is great for her and i'm happy for her, she also seems a bit happier since then. Unfortunatly it doesn't sound like it is good for us having a chance at the future together.

Found out one of the reasons she is frustrated with me was because i was no longer following my dreams. I had lost most of my dreams as she did due to our problems, depression, my health etc. She was also mad i was mostly just looking for work online and wasnt applying for dishwashing jobs etc.

I understand that you take what you can get when you have nothing but 99.9% of all jobs required me to apply online. As for jobs like dishwashing etc. I applied for menial jobs but NONE ever called me back and no one is going to hire someone that worked for Intel for 9 years to wash dishes when there are so many out of work and others entering the workforce that they beleive would more likely stay and accept lower payment. I would have accepted anything and stayed for a long time for anything, it's better then nothing.

The no job and no call backs for jobs made me more frustrated less likely to look and more depressed which affected our relationship even more I know. When we moved here I had planned on starting my own business doing something i loved but other circumstances prevented that, and I lost my way, and my health has been getting worse (trying to work on all these).

I am not trying to be pessamistic but she doesn't seem like she will be interested in working on us in the future and as we are apart we will most likely grow apart more. I will be coming over often but that is to see my daughter, help with homework, spend time together with her, etc. as where i will be moving may be more of a party house which im not looking forward to. My wife is one of the few people i've ever been comfortable living with.

As time goes on and it gets closer to time for me to move out she gets more pushy and selfish, I understand she needs to do what she needs to for herself but she doesnt need to take it out on me. Ive ben trying to ignore it but she seems to get mad at me easier now, though we are not fighting. I can use physical touch or anything like that in my responses to her so hard to show the love for her instead of getting mad. I am working with all my heart on understanding our differences and where her current mood is at and how to properly respond but I am having trouble figuring it out and finding the correct response to show her love instead of trying to analyse it all out for her. This is frustrating me badly. 

Though i aced a second interview for another job yesterday I feel i back peddled quite a bit due to lack of sleep and trying to figure out the correct way to handle or respond to her, her emotions were crazy and only settled down when she drank till she got buzzed. She was much calmer then though, it is usually the opposite she is generally not able to be talked to or reasoned with when buzzed and gets aggressive. She realizes she has a drinking problem but has no other way to relax and no pain meds for her psyatica so quiting is a catch 22 for her with drinking, she is trying to work on it though.

Are there any tricks to better understanding her moods and the correct responses? I am having a lot of trouble applying what i am learning in the current situation I am in. I am moving out it is definetly what we both need more her then me, but i want her to know im not giving up on us whatsoever cant say that though or she thnks i'm just sitting waiting on her. I feel if i can't apply these things i'm learning we will grow farther apart and lose the chance to try together again. I can accept it if that is the way it goes however hard it is, and i'm definetly giving her space she needs. But I do not want to give up as we ae both realizing things more and getting stronger already. I understand it will take time but feeling like it's a losing battle (I keep this to myself) since i can't apply much is frustrating me more. When i move out do I call her infrequently or let her contact me only (excluding when needing to talk about our daughter). I know calling everyday is completely the wrong thing to do it will make things worse but I don't want her to think i gave up or am not interested in working things out either, I need to find out where the balance lies so I can act properly. Any ideas,tips, anything is appreciated.

Also I was wondering should this be moved to the currently seperated divorced area? and if so how do I do that ask a moderator or copy and repost all of it to a new thread? I don't hang out in forums much. Thanks again all I appreciate all the help. Especially the help from woman as you would most likely understand her point of view more then me.


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## Jadegreen (Apr 4, 2011)

Dear Darksoul; you asked for more women's perspectives - I can't really speak from the position your wife is in, but I had my own difficulties in childhood/teenagerhood and have seen plenty of others who struggled more or less well with such things. First, congratulations on making it this far, falling love, and having a wonderful daughter that you seem to love to the ends of the earth. You also really seem dedicated to the right things - you gave up a lot to make the marriage work. As Anx said, what do you want? That needs to come forward. Your girl will learn the things you don't think you are teaching. Think about your parents - what do you REALLY know about them? You know just how they lost their own dreams, or took out their frustrations, or drowned their sorrows. Think about what you would wish for her for a healthy relationship and then do it. Show her how. Setting boundaries is a place to start. Show her that a man treats a woman with respect, but does not let her walk all over him (sorry, I am over-expressing, but it seems your wife does take a lot for granted). This is a path full of pain, but it will teach you something, which is that you, too, deserve respect.

I would really recommend the book about healing from sexual abuse called "courage to heal". It has been around for a long time, so you should be able to find a used copy. The 12 step system has a group for people healing from sexual abuse - try looking it up in the phone book. If you live in too small a town for a specialized group, go to the general adult children of alcoholics ACA group. ACA is really about growing up in dysfunctional families and learning to set boundaries, so even if you don't have a parent who was an alcoholic, people in the group might have an idea of where to get more specialized help. ACA is free and confidential - it might help you find people to talk with. 

lastly, set yourself a goal. You have described how you are financially trapped. Give yourself 12 months to find a way out. It is really clear (to me) that you can't live in this situation. Write here about how you are planning your steps. Promise yourself that if you cannot find a way out on your terms, that you will leave your family (and your daughter) and go support yourself somewhere. When you are settled, she will come visit you. Kids know who the good parents are, and the best thing they need is an understanding and caring parent. It doesn't matter who does the dishes.

Well, those are strong opinions. Love yourself, give yourself a hug.


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## Jadegreen (Apr 4, 2011)

sorry I missed the end of the last message where you said you were moving out. Why are you going to a party house? At the very least, a rooming house would give you the time and space you need, if you can't afford anything else. My daughter's father and I had lots of difficulties and he took a room in a boarding house. It was not great for her for visiting, but he took her out lots of places instead. They had a really wonderful relationship at a time when I was very mad at him. Those were intense years, and we went to court twice (his choice, not mine). Later we mended - we were able to work it out becuase time does make some problems less important, and because we were both dedicated to our daughter. I've been in another, great, marriage for 18 yrs since then - life does go on. And she sorted out both his and my weirdnesses and she is very wise for it. My most important principle in raising our daughter was to always be truthful. Not harmfully over-sharing, but to be emotionally honest - like "I was pretty mad the other day, I hope you know that we both love you." or "I need some time right now because I'm feelling sad. I'll be better later". My daughter was younger at the time - but I just kept telling her that we meant the best and we were facing our own issues. It worked, more than anything.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Long term unemployment is crushing for a lot of people. My wife went through 7 months and it was terrible on both of us.

You aren't alone in feeling depressed about this.


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## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

Jade ty for the reply. I have a plan and moving out is part of it, I don't want to move out at all but realize at this point it is a must for both of us. I am giving her the space she needs and taking time for myself. Just got a job offer yesterday so I now have 2 part time jobs that equal 1 full time, so finances will get a little better. I love her, always have and always will. I haven't given up on "us" but we are doing what we need seperatly for each of us. 

I know we will grow apart and she is talking constantly with the EA she had but she actually gets mad at him Quite often, she doesn't really want pressed into anything or to be in an actual relationship yet. She truly does want her time for her. Since she talks to him and not me though I can see us getting farther apart and them getting closer as we are farther apart. This hurts and could spell an end for us in the future. She admitted she loves him and he is supposedly a lot like me. I am not saying anything as she tells me a little bit more then she used to and has been more honest with me then she has in many years. Unfortunatly it makes me feel it is the end and makes every moment harder. I take everything moment by moment though. She thinks I want to go into her work and talk to her EA but I could care less I have no desire to talk to him and going in would cause trouble for her which could affect her financially as they are both high profile in that community. 

I will continue working on myself and getting better for myself, I will wait but I wont be waiting for her if that makes sense. She is definetly getting happier every day that we are apart and we are not even out of the same house yet. Because i love her I wont push "us" because I know it will make things worse. I'm doing what i have to do and letting the cards fall where they land. It just hurts so bad it is hard to remain non-stressed and calm around her, it takes so much concious effort knowing this may be the last days we have together even if we are seperated.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I think you need to read love must be tough. Even if you are not religious, I think its the smartest way to approach this.


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## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

Jadegreen, I am actually talking to my brother in law to see if I'm young enough to join the military (he is a former colonel). I was turned down by the marines when i was 17 due to my sternum reconstruction but i may be able to get into the air force or navy. I finaly got a second part time job so i have what is equal to a full time job and still looking. Unfortunatly I have no medical etc. I dont think i can support 2 households. With my wifes psiatica she is limited in work she can do, but I dont think she is looking at all. She isnt after child support but wants some help with bills, and i have no problem with helping seeing that my daughter will be with her most of the time and she will be limited on what she can do. We aren't getting divorced yet just seperated.

If i can join the military (would be my last resort). I wont see or be able to take care of our daughter for many years as my wife wont follow me to where im posted. This will break my heart more then anything. It will give me the option to provide medical insurance for her and afford to keep a roof over her head though. It will also help get me back in shape physically and mentally, If it doesnt destroy me due to my medical issues. 

Where do I find info on 180, everyone talks about it here and would it apply to my situation? In this situation I will be coming over most weekdays to help my daughter with homework and spend some time with her, since my wife and her always fight if she tries to help her, nothing gets done. Not initiating contact will be almost impossible if i want to see my daughter and with the homework etc need. I'm also the one that takes care of most school activities etc. Not sure as how the morning thing getting our daughter ready for school will work last time the W slept through it, she doesnt get up in the mornings at all and is beyond cranky if she does. With my new job ill be working at the time my daughter needs to go to school. Thanks again for the advice, I appreciate it.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-help-marriage-relationship-programs/18671-180.html


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## sdesruiss (Mar 16, 2011)

Hey Dark. I read your thread and my heart goes out to you. I am also going through a really hard time. I wanted to commend you on how strong you are staying and keeping your head up.


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## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

Thanks all I appreciate your support. As for the 180 I am doing most of those things to the best of my ability already, though some are impossible at the current moment though that will change in a month when i can move out. 

I have been thinking and doing some checking, I am to old to join the main military branches but I am young enough to join the air national guard. I am going to try and keep things going for a few months but supporting 2 households will be mostly impossible, and since my wife can't do a lot because of her psiatica she wont be able to get a good job. she is not asking for child support but wants some help. If i can't afford this I may be forced to join the full time reserves.

This in itself isn't a bad thing because it will get me back in shape physically and mentally give us the time apart she needs and cover many expenses, and eliminate the need for covering 2 households. The downside is that I will be away from my daughter whom will need me at this point. I know that I need to focus on myself but we also need to find the purpose in our lives and my daughter is my main purpose, the thing I love the most. This would be the hardest thing i may have to do, but something i wanted to do and was turned down for when i was 17 by the marines due to my first sternum reconstruction. 

I talked to my brother in law whom was just forced to take a medical retirement from the air force, he was a colonel. He got me some information and said i could probably get in the air national guard, naval reserves, or coast guard reserve. In these I may be able to stay fairly close to my daughter so I could see her a little bit. I told my wife last night, she said do what you got to do, but didn't seem happy with it, seemed like she was pissed but hiding it. She didn't say anything else. Does anyone have any more positive or negatives for this situation that you can think of, it is a big move but one that so far seems to have more positives for myself and my family then negatives that i can see? I could easily be overlooking something and would like advice from a different perspective on it. I will probably be talking with a recruiter tomorrow to get more information. As i said i'm not jumping into it, I will try without it first but may not have a choice, and it's not something i would hate, I would like many parts of it. How do you think this would affect me trying to get my wife back? Thanks again all for your comments or support, have a nice day, and talk to you later.


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## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

I have been thinking very hard and may forgo trying to support 2 households and flat out enlist. I am still gathering info but it is looking like my best option. I'll get time away from my wife which we both could use and she needs, get my physical and mental health straightened out, get training without having to pay for college again (still trying to pay off my last degree), can pay off most or all the credit card, and will have a little money to give the wife to help support our daughter. For 6 months i wont have to worry about rent and utilities for myself.

Unfortunatly I beleive my wife and I will probably grow apart more which I don't want but I have few options, and this way i can do many things i need for myself. This will probably hurt my daughter badly though as she really needs me, but I don't know what else to do. The thought of not seeing her everyday hurts the most, and not being there when she needs help with her homework etc makes me feel as if i am letting her down, especially since her and her mom fight and both give up everytime my wife tries to help her with it. They never undertand what the other is trying to say but both insist they do and the other is wrong. I'm worried her grades will drop due to no homework help and the stress of us being seperated and me gone for so long. My daughter and the thought of my wife and I growing farther apart are what has stayed my hand from deciding fully.

Wife is going to go to another state and stay with a freind this summer for undetermined amount of time, they have lots of parties planned etc. This will be good for her mentally she has been stuck in the house (her own choice recently but for many years due to finances) for many years. we used to go out and do many things together in the beggining but that changed due to my work hours no money, etc, etc. She is at the point now that she doesnt want to do those things with me anymore so I beleive it may be to late. My parents are going to take care of our daughter while she is gone. 

My daughter is a whole lot like my mom and they get along great but she will get bored there after awhile. I don't know how often i'll be able to talk to my daughter while in boot camp, probably not much, this will be hard. I wonder if I should buy a laptop to bring and if i'm even aloud to or if there is a connection i can use. I know most bases have community systems personel can use , I'll have to look into this more.

I could really use some pinions on this and info if anyone has ever gone through this themselves involving the military? Thanks again all and have a great day.


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## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

Well due to one of my tatoos and my age I am ineligable for all military branches so thats out.

Been keeping myself centered, and also doing decent with 180 until last night, she was hurting from working out so rubbed tiger balm on her shoulders and neck.

Weird things are happening though, I got hit on by a manager at my work yesterday, and a coworker told me another coworker is going to try and set me up with his neice. Was not expecting any of that. Don't think it's a good time to be dating yet as I still have a lot to work on within myself, I don't want to hurt anyone and I am not looking for a rebound.

Wife posted some stuff such as songs and things about being unloved and lonely in FB. Not sure what thats about we have both been feeling that way but she doesn't normally post things like that. Don't know if she meant for me to see it or what. Going to keep on with the 180 as I have few other options and can't read her mood swings well enough to adapt to them yet anyway. Most importantly going to keep working on myself.

Well off to work I'll be back later hope things are going well for everyone else. Happy easter to those that celebrate it.


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