# On the brink...but stuck



## Shattered4x5 (Jul 27, 2016)

I have been married 5 years come Labor Day. He has 2 children from his first marriage, I had one child coming into our relationship and now we have our one together. All these years I thought we were growing and building this life together for us and just for us and our family. Now it just seems like he wanted me for stability financially and emotionally since he had two young children, and I have a good job, my first priority is always family. So much has happened I don't know where to focus...my mind is everywhere. He has broken almost all our vows and I am a believer of keeping those. I list my faith a long time ago because of him. But those vows are sacred to me still. It was a promise I made and I knew I would always keep. Now it feels like a complete lie like everything else from him. From infidelity, alcoholism, debt....I worked my as of raising 4 kids aND everyone would tell you they can't tell who is biologically mine on how I talk about them or how I am with them. I love all of my children. They are my everything. And I know if this relationship ends I'd have to go behind his back to see the other to childrwn. Their mother most likely would let me still see them and have them. We at least built a relationship that works. My husband as isolated me from my friends, I am constantly alone with the children or I'm at work. He goes off and sees friends, disappears to a bar, randomly drives an hour to see hunting buddies. He constantly takes out cash So i can't tell where all the money disappears but somethings not right when 80 here 200 here gets withdrawn and you have nothing to show for it. I see why couples stayed together and not just end it. Our children is the only thing that has made this work for so long I think he took over complete fatherly duties for my child because her biological father split on us after 10 years together when he found out I was pregnant. All of the children adore him and look up to him and he is a good father he loves them very much but his priorities are screed up. I've tried to change our intamacy around liven it up. More often. Tried cooking meals differently. Focusing more attention on him and then it dawned on me how much more can I give him I drop everythimg when he calls I stop doing stuff that needs to be done when he says to we only watch what he wants whatever it's TV who cares right but then in return he just wants to talk about other women and if he could he would get these chick's I don't know how to describe it I try to just shut down and tune out. I warn him I'm uncomfortable he says he is just joking and keeps going. Only way he stops is if 8 yell scream and storm off and I'm the one in the fault. I'm always wrong, crazy, stupid, ducking stupid Yankee like really.... I'm srry I could go on for hours. Finally 2 days ago after he showed up home finally after being out several hours. First to a friend's then randomly decided to drive that hour out of town so I was stuck with 4 kids unexpectedly. But whatever we went swimming and school shopping and started prepping for school. He comes home at 430 and is carrying a bag and I ask what is that and he said I bought myself hotdogs and tater wedges for dinner and I asked why and I always try to talk nochalantly with kids around he threw the food towards me on the table and said here you eat guys eat I thought you already would have fed the kids when he knows we eat between 530 and 6 so 8 haven't even started cooking yet. That's when I snapped. I asked the kids to go play and I will come get them for supper. He starts cussing at me and throwing low blows especially when I asked why is he yelling at me after a simple question . Then he lays down after another hole goes in the wall and rakes a nap. 2 hours later he wants a kiss and chit chat. I looked him in the eyes and walked away. I've never done that before. First time I didn't say I love you back. It was so hard. 2 days I haven't talked to him directly. If I knew the kids would all be ok I would walk out yesterday.....I feel so stuck. I hate to use the kids as an excuse.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why on earth are you still with this man? He treats you the way he does because you have allowed it all these years. 

You said is put another hole in the wall??? So that means he blows up like that and destroys things on a regular basis.

He's not a good father. A good father shows love and respect to the mother of his children. He does not do the things your husband is doing. Your kids have grown up thinking that this is what a man is like. Your boys will most likely be like him. And your girls have learned that this is all they can expect in life.. a man like him and a miserable marriage.

Serously, you need to get away from him.

If he's doing things like throwing stuff at you and putting holes in the walls, you need to call the police and have them remove him from the home. then get a restraining order against him.

Do you have people around you who can help you?

Do you have a checking account in your own name (not a joint account). If not open one now and put your pay into that account. And pay the bills out of the joint account first before you touch your money. this way you will have the money you need to get away from this guy.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Lying, cheating, violence etc.
This is the example he is showing for your children.
Do you want your boys to grow up and treat their wives this way?
What would you advise your daughters to do if they were treated this way?

Sounds like you both need a lot of help.

I agree, divorce is very hard on kids, I know it was on mine. Still is.

I think he needs to leave your marital home. Maybe a separation will wake him up. If you love him and want to work this out, you need to give him plenty of time to do IC and also MC together, before you give him a trial run at it.

To me, it doesn't sound like anything I would want to salvage, but you may feel different. Get your ducks in a row, and then have him leave.

I hope things improve for you and your babies.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I agree with @EleGirl... continuing to stay where you are will destroy your self-respect and your self-esteem. You are not stuck, you are very aware and mindful of the bad situation you are in and taking action to better the lives of all in contact with him is a must, and that betterment is away from him.

That action is the next violent physical outburst he exhibits call the police and have an immediate restraining order placed against him... this cannot be tolerated and is a hair's breath from you being the next target. Think about carrying a voice activated recorder with you so you do not have to remember all the garbage spewed at you and may need for future legal action for your children.

You should limit his access to your funds as well, set up another account that your paycheck goes into so he can't use that against you as you make your future plans as his access will cause you grief in your planning.

Also, please set up some counseling so you have an open platform to share and recover from... living with what you have will have taken it's toll on you.

May strength and courage prime the peace you need as you begin your steps on this path...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Shattered4x5,

Are you doing ok? Just wanted to check up on you as I'm very concerned about you.


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## Shattered4x5 (Jul 27, 2016)

He works out of town during the week. So that helps. My funds completely deplete with the bills from mortgage to daycare to bills. I have resorted to cutting off the cable and house phone and cutting out spending money so we can grocery shop. I start counseling Friday and hopefully I can have things in motion before he gets home friday. I am already considering how to rearrange things not too much would change since he is usually only home at the most Thursday late night to Monday really early and never has to do anything with the kids and daycare. His only responsibility he ever wants to do is now and that's all nothing more in the yard. Nothing I haven't done on my own but I don't knoe bow to do the next step but I'm hoping I will find it by Friday


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

You must take positive action to protect yourself and your kids, NOW. Don't tell him anything. Have a plan in place to leave if he goes ballistic. Only after you and the kids are safely away should you even attempt to engage him on any level. Time for survival mode.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Please be careful. Do what you can to prepare yourself. You dont deserve to be treated with anything less than love and respect. Believe it...you have all the leverage. Just be cautious, unpredictable violence is no joke. 

Life will be better
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

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It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

Get a support system:



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 


Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:



your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

Your safety Plan: this is so that you can leave immediately if things get out of hand.


Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

After Leaving the Abusive Relationship 

If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving: 



Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 



Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 



Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 


If you leave: 


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.


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