# Husband is Struggling



## tsweet06 (Feb 12, 2021)

It truly feels that my husband is in this perpetual adolescence stage in which he is fighting to overcome. I'm not trying to criticize him at all by saying this, but I'm just observing his struggles and I'm, honestly, feeling alone in taking care of our responsibilities (even though he tries). 

I try to boost him up (or assist when he asks) and it doesn't mitigate any of his feelings of anger, inadequacy, frustrations, being overwhelmed, and tired. He goes to therapy twice a month, on anti-anxiety medication, attends several support/men groups, speaks to my uncle here and there who is a psychologist, and has a good support network for the most part. I'm just not sure why he still has all of these major feelings. He doesn't have any medical issues that I'm aware about (at least he says). Sometimes I wonder if he has uncontrolled diabetes, but he continues to say that his doctor told him that his blood sugars are fine. In all, he has been given the tools and resources to change his negative perceptions about himself. I see countless amount of blessings in his life and he simply sees them as potential issues. 

An example is that his manager has been giving him opportunities at work to build on his leadership skills. Previously, he would get extremely mad that he was being overlooked; but, now, they are giving him these opportunities and he is getting frustrated about little stuff. They gave him someone to train and he is complaining about some of the nuances in that responsibility. I think it is exciting and a blessing and I keep telling him that they would not give him anyone to train if they thought he didn't have any potential of moving up in the company. He gets bogged down by really little things in the social dynamic that won't matter at the end of the day. 

I'm extremely nervous in all of this, because I'm trying to maintain our household while he is constantly trying to "cope". He takes a lot of time to try and calm himself and his thoughts. I try to be there, but I'm just not sure how to be there anymore for him. I'm pregnant, working, going to school, and maintaining my health and our household. I'm feeling quite overwhelmed myself, but I'm getting stuff done and trying to do my best to keep the household together. We have a baby arriving in less than 3 months and I know that is going to be a blessing but a bigger responsibility. 

How should I go about this all without stressing my own self out? I have tried talking to him (and through a marriage counselor) and he just doesn't seem to get that his emotions are impacting our relationship and family. Sometimes, I truly wonder if I'm better off doing what I need to do on my own, because it really feels like a lot trying to add his issues in addition to my own. What do you think should be done at this point?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

tsweet06 said:


> He goes to therapy twice a month, on anti-anxiety medication, attends several support/men groups, speaks to my uncle here and there who is a psychologist, and has a good support network for the most part. I'm just not sure why he still has all of these major feelings.


You have answered your own question:



tsweet06 said:


> It truly feels that my husband is in this perpetual adolescence stage


Correct. But......you cannot change your husband. Only you.



tsweet06 said:


> What do you think should be done at this point?


again, you already know the answer:



tsweet06 said:


> Sometimes, I truly wonder if I'm better off doing what I need to do on my own


I'm not advocating any kind of separation, divorce, etc. However, you simply have to DROP HIM. Worry only about yourself and your coming newborn. Do not try to "be there" for him..... let him start to wear his own pants, shoulder his responsibilities, face his own predicament.



tsweet06 said:


> I'm trying to maintain our household while he is constantly trying to "cope"


Unfortunately, this may never change...... you must ask yourself a serious question.....

Do you really want your child raised up to be a pansy-a$$ who leans on his wife, his uncle, his therapist, "support" (euphemism for commiseration) groups, and better-living-through-chemistry ?

It's a tough row to hoe, where you are..... you are going to be, essentially, a single parent.

Figure out the ways you "play in" and "buy in" to his adolescence. Stop. Now.



tsweet06 said:


> it doesn't mitigate any of his feelings of anger, inadequacy, frustrations, being overwhelmed, and tired.


Correct again. As long as he remains inadequate, his feelings will continue. When he faces himself in the mirror, and changes his inadequacy, his feelings will change.

It has nothing to do with you. Only him. It's his choice....


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Has he always been like this?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

You may try the following book,








Amazon.com: Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People: 9780800732882: Brown, Elizabeth B.: Books


Amazon.com: Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People: 9780800732882: Brown, Elizabeth B.: Books



www.amazon.com





You may also consider the medication your old man is on. I got a prescription of Ambien for temporary insomnia and discovered after a couple or three doses it screwed up my head and made me paranoid. (well, worse than usual). Don't expect quick results from the head shrinkers. His therapy is like losing a shytload of weight via exercise and diet. It takes awhile.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

tsweet06 said:


> Sometimes, I truly wonder if I'm better off doing what I need to do on my own, because it really feels like a lot trying to add his issues in addition to my own. What do you think should be done at this point?


Did you marry a man or a *15 year old teenage boy* that you'll be raising until you die? Even his BOSS is treating him like a teenage kid that he's trying to teach 'leadership skills' to. How the hell do you stand this utter nonsense?

I'll assume he must have some good qualities (that are REALLY hidden well) for you to have stayed with him this long. Unless it's just pure pity.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

What was he like before the anxiety depression? Did he have a sunny optimistic disposition or was his behaviour/nature the same?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

tsweet06 said:


> He goes to therapy twice a month, on anti-anxiety medication, attends several support/men groups, speaks to my uncle here and there who is a psychologist, and has a good support network for the most part. I'm just not sure why he still has all of these major feelings.


Because he is who he is. You married a person with several issues, which might not be solvable. I don't see a solution to this. It seems to me that your husband is doing all he can. I lived most of my life with a person like this. It didn't end happily. Not sure why you are having a baby with a person in a perpetual adolescence stage, a person you clearly don't like much and don't respect.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Did you marry your high school sweetheart? Sounds like he is one of those that never made it past 18 socially.

He will never be substantially different than he is now, and the changes he does make will be because he wants to make them.

You can't control him, you can only control you.

If you don't like your situation, then you'll need to action to change it, which likely doesn't include him.

The best case scenario is you tell him what you need from him to stay married, he takes it seriously himself, and changes on his own behalf. This is unlikely to happen but worth a final shot.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

Depression is a big reason why wives leave. It's an invisible illness but it affects relationships and can really change a person. Perhaps he should be doing something different lifestyle, exercise, diet-wise and maybe he's taken on too much at work. He should be focusing on helping you with the upcoming baby more. He should take paternity leave in advance and help you both be less anxious.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Depression/anxiety doesn’t always change a person’s behaviour. Plenty of people are mentally healthy but also behave in a way you describe. I was really unwell after one of my kids were born (non-functional for a few months due to shock) but those horrible symptoms didn’t really change my nature much. The medication didn’t change me much either, other than alleviate the distressing symptoms.

He might get better eventually but still be the type of person he is?

it sounds like he has a lot of support, does he really open up to you much other than what he can’t do, what frustrates him?


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

It's not about changing a person's nature it's about their behaviour. A depressed person doesn't bring much spark into anything. There's no zest or gusto. That means there's a lot of positive behaviour that isn't expressed. This itself can be depressing for others. With respect often people who are depressed are unaware of how they might be affecting others. They're too busy fighting an internal battle and would be set off by distressing things. It creates a cost.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

hmmmm.
how about thinking outside of the box here. exercise has a positive effect on depression. So encourage him to work out, either at a gym, or aerobics outside or in a sport.
Joining a judo or karate dojo would boost his self confidence AND provide plenty of exercise.


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## tsweet06 (Feb 12, 2021)

Thanks everyone for your feedback.


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## tsweet06 (Feb 12, 2021)

TJW said:


> You have answered your own question:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks for your detailed response. It's hard to hear, but I'm definitely going to take your advice in consideration.


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## tsweet06 (Feb 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Has he always been like this?


Yes....pretty much. His parents had similar dynamics, which included mom taking care of everything while his dad did whatever he wanted.


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## tsweet06 (Feb 12, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Did you marry a man or a *15 year old teenage boy* that you'll be raising until you die? Even his BOSS is treating him like a teenage kid that he's trying to teach 'leadership skills' to. How the hell do you stand this utter nonsense?
> 
> I'll assume he must have some good qualities (that are REALLY hidden well) for you to have stayed with him this long. Unless it's just pure pity.


He truly does have some good qualities. I do tend to wonder sometimes if it was just a façade. I guess I'm still trying to figure this all out.


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## tsweet06 (Feb 12, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> What was he like before the anxiety depression? Did he have a sunny optimistic disposition or was his behaviour/nature the same?


I truly believe he was always anxiety-ridden, but not depressed (from what I saw). Again, I think he put on this façade of a happier disposition when we were dating, but it fell off when we got married.


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## tsweet06 (Feb 12, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Depression/anxiety doesn’t always change a person’s behaviour. Plenty of people are mentally healthy but also behave in a way you describe. I was really unwell after one of my kids were born (non-functional for a few months due to shock) but those horrible symptoms didn’t really change my nature much. The medication didn’t change me much either, other than alleviate the distressing symptoms.
> 
> He might get better eventually but still be the type of person he is?
> 
> it sounds like he has a lot of support, does he really open up to you much other than what he can’t do, what frustrates him?


He doesn't and I don't know why he doesn't. My one thought is that I truly think it has something to do with "not wanting to appear weak", especially as I am juggling A LOT in our household in addition to being pregnant.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'd be very surprised if he stepped up after you have a child. If he hadn't dealt with his issues well before he actually really has any big life issues, a child won't fix it. You can't do everything. If he doesn't push himself to do things whether he wants to or not or whether it makes him fearful or not, he's just going to end up being a second child to you (he already is, sounds like). You may reach a point you're better off without him, but the problem with that is if he doesn't get a grip, he won't be able to share custody either, which will still leave you bearing it all and hardly able to work a full-time job. I hope you have very good family support other than him for the baby. 

Some people are never happy no matter what. Some people are cheery no matter what. I've never in my long life see anyone do a 180, but the only chance of that is if they really dedicate themselves to getting psychiatric help and stick with it and keep trying meds and combinations until one helps. If he is one of the many refusing meds or not taking them as prescribed, he will never get better. If he wants to get better and sticks it out in therapy and continuing trying meds, he might seen an improvement. 

Meanwhile, damn if I'd enable him unless he's putting forth 100% effort to help himself.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

@DownByTheRiver That’s true, which is why I asked how he was before. I was blindsided and very unwell, but always had a sunny disposition and was curious and eager and optimistic before and after. The illness just kept me quiet and panicky & mentally drained. But I got help and recovered from the physical and mental symptoms. 

I’ve known many sufferers too for decades, and they essentially remained who they were, just unwell and unable to function during the worst. So if they were negative, lazy, irresponsible, that didn’t change much. Or the opposite, if they were happy, driven, etc, that remained the same.

Of course medications can alter things for the worse, or better. So OP there’s that to take into account too. A particular medication may work in some way, but exacerbate other things.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It sounds like he doesn’t really open up to you, whether he is doing this because he doesn’t want to appear weak, or he’s just closed, is on him. But it makes you suffer, that part is unfair.

I was fairly straightforward and honest because I didn’t want to drag my family down or make them question themselves. And very specific too, ‘not good today, I need this from you, I’m not sure how long the attack will last, can we try this’. Had a good medical team, made sure I let them know my relationships were a priority so they helped immensely here. I was very very sick though, knew I wasn’t going to be ok for a long time, and had a daily check in and basic plan for each day. Is any of this therapy going in this direction at all?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Luckylucky said:


> @DownByTheRiver That’s true, which is why I asked how he was before. I was blindsided and very unwell, but always had a sunny disposition and was curious and eager and optimistic before and after. The illness just kept me quiet and panicky & mentally drained. But I got help and recovered from the physical and mental symptoms.
> 
> I’ve known many sufferers too for decades, and they essentially remained who they were, just unwell and unable to function during the worst. So if they were negative, lazy, irresponsible, that didn’t change much. Or the opposite, if they were happy, driven, etc, that remained the same.
> 
> Of course medications can alter things for the worse, or better. So OP there’s that to take into account too. A particular medication may work in some way, but exacerbate other things.


It can take up to 2 months for side effects to subside in some meds. You have to be willing to try and stick it out and only communicate with your doctor before doing anything like not taking it or reducing the dosage or whatever or you can really get in some bad trouble, but there are a lot of drugs out there and no two people metabolize them the same way. What someone else tells you doesn't work may work splendidly on you. Years ago when Prozac first came out I heard a lot of people saying it saved their life and then I heard a lot of people saying it didn't work. But then that was one of those that you couldn't just stop abruptly and had to ease yourself off of it and I think the ones that had bad experiences with it just didn't pay attention to doctors instructions and consult the doctor before changing how they were taking it. 

It's a sad fact that 80-some of people on mental health drugs don't take them correctly as prescribed. And then those will be the same people that say they don't believe in them or talk bad about them and everything and it would be their own fault most of the time.


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