# Having a bad week...need a pep talk!



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Tonight I did something I have never done. I exploded at my H. I told him to shut up in front of other people. It surprised me as much as him I think...it happened on the volleyball court. Every single ball I hit, he told me how to do it differently. Then it occurred to me, he always does this. Tells me what I should do. He made a big deal that it was his idea to change my hair. It wasn't. When we started going through this I felt the need to change everything. But why does it always have to be his idea. Have I ever told him once how he should look? No! I've accepted him the way he is. 

Its also become clear today that there are a lot of unrealistic expectations put on me. My schedule is pretty horrendous with work, his business, kids. Working from home can be a nightmare...no one treats me like I'm working so I literally do two jobs at once. My youngest is in daycare but my oldest home for summer vacation. His family feels I don't do enough, have even outright attacked me because I didn't do something for them. 

I just had a thought, when is the last time someone said what I did was pretty great? I couldn't think of any time. Yet I have 3 balls in there air at any given time. Its midnight and I just stopped working to fix a mistake someone else at work did. I could cut back on work, but even my H agrees, not a good time to do that. I know you can't please all the people all the time but not sure when/if I ever heard something to acknowledge all that I do..

Having a rough week. By the way yesterday was the anniversary of the day that my husband had said "not sure if I want to stay married to you, let me tell you all the reasons" all of which had to do with my failings..no mystery why I'm feeling what I am I guess.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Maybe you need to start commanding respect and throwing your weight around in a firm but friendly way  sounds like you are taken for granted by the family.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Self-realization, that's pretty great, you should be proud of yourself.

Living under the auspices of constantly being criticized is brutal and for you to finally stand up for yourself and understand in retrospect why you have done so, that's a major accomplishment.

Taking care of kids and trying to work, especially from home, is beyond challenging and more power for you to be doing so.

Continue to stand up for yourself, you are empowerd now, don't step back. If the world comes crashing down around you, let it, if your husband doesn't realize what he has, then he doesn't deserve to have it...you will rise above!

Preacher


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Hang in there! And good for you! Stand up for yourself because no one will do it for you. Your post really hit close to home. That's where I was at one point in my life. Feathers got ruffled when I began standing up for myself three years ago. 

My stbx takes credit for everything I do or recommend--well the positive things anyway. It is so annoying!!!!!!!


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

An effort like you describe is something to be very proud of and I salute you.

As a husband I think part of my job is treating my wife as good as I would want someone to treat my daughter, sister or mother.

Make every day the day you can start doing it right, mistakes of the past are no excuse to keep doing things, or accepting things that are wrong.

I'll give my wife a backrub and a big "Thank You" hug in honor of your efforts. Hang in there!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Sometimes the crappiest of feelings are the only evidence we have that we're actually making progress.

Sounds to me like you're growing. That most certainly is a positive thing. Growth may take you down a path where you strengthen your marriage, or decide *importantly* _for yourself_, that you need to let it go.

This is what happened in my case. Her words to me: "You parent me, and it makes me feel like crap." She does need to grow. She can't do it with me around, and I already felt like I've been put through the wringer. So, we both move on and hope for the best.

Still hoping for the best for you as well, regardless of what form it takes.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

martino said:


> Maybe you need to start commanding respect and throwing your weight around in a firm but friendly way  sounds like you are taken for granted by the family.


Yeah that's very true. Its been that way a long time. I've taken a little bit back but I do feel like I fight for every inch.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

JDPreacher said:


> Self-realization, that's pretty great, you should be proud of yourself.
> 
> Living under the auspices of constantly being criticized is brutal and for you to finally stand up for yourself and understand in retrospect why you have done so, that's a major accomplishment.
> 
> ...


Thank you! I need to hear that.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Thanks everyone for the kind words of encouragement. The realization that I have always been the "parent" in the relationship bothers me. Its a role my H put me in. Its easier, lots let's pressure, I'll worry about it all. He does contribute to decisions particularly the major ones we always made together. I keep thinking that he "cracked under the pressure" last year when he cheated so I wonder if he really took half of life's burdens could he handle them? 

Right now feeling more than overwhelmed. I have a mother with a serious debilitating disease. She is the only child of a woman who has dementia and its disgusting how these care facilities literally rip you off. When they told my Mom it would be $300 for Depends for my grandmother (Sad state huh?) my Mom said fine, then they said PER WEEK! $1200 per month for Depends? They sent her a bill for $11,000 for 2.5 months. They said if she didn't pay immediately they would arrange for her to be moved out. To where???? Sad state our government is, my Mom just hired an attorney to help get through this mess and it takes a toll on her with her disease. Then my father just had a type of heart procedure he has a small blockage. I feel so bad, I can't take any of this burden off of her (I have a sibling but he cannot deal with serious situations and he's on the other side of the country)...then repairing my marriage, a very challenging daughter (the age) and a little one with health issues, and lots of bills and paperwork piled up. To top it off my dog got really sick. I felt so low this week. But instead of it costing thousands it turned out to be an allergy and it was reasonable and dog is recovering quickly...

This week its actually gone through my head would it be more or less pressure to end this relationship then I would not have to deal with recovering from an affair. It would be done, over with. But then there is the pain of divorce and for my kids. I don't know the right decision. 

The woman he cheated with moved out. House was rented. The renters just moved out. She came back I guess to check on the house. I told my H that if she moves back in, I can't stay. I don't know what that means because we cannot afford to move but I will not live here. Sad I have no idea where I would go. Mom & Dads? Don't think so.. 

I think it boils down to do I really love him or not. The answer is yes I do but nothing like it was before and I don't know if I will ever get that back but I want that so much. See I feel he thinks its been a year all is well I'm healing...but I don't know its like he moved on and I haven't been able to. 

I really do not know what to do. The only slight ray of light here is that I have made headway at work. I've worked really hard over this last year to streamline a lot of things...some of you hit it on the head when you said I need to put my foot down this is true of clients they abuse my time and I've put a stop to that....so once I get caught up, I stay caught up. I see the light at the end of the tunnel so maybe, just maybe I can deal with this mound of bills, paperwork and life's little duties with a more normal schedule. 

Sorry rambling...feeling so low and depressed maybe it has to do with we hit the 1 year mark of when he said he might not want to be married to me ... and in a few weeks will be the 1 year mark of when I discovered for sure why...


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Maybe try and slow down and focus mainly on your mom before you even begin sorting feelings on your husband and OW. 

Retrain your husband/kids/business to see you in a new light. Delegate more responsibility on them. When they expect a certain response from you that they are used to from the past, surprise them with a different one. "No, you can do that and here's how" Super Nanny Jo Frost even has families sit down together and write up a house rules list with the responsibilities of each member of the family. Makes sense, there are no gray areas after that, you've got your job now do it no matter who it is. Schedule down time, that no matter what for an hour a day or whatever is reasonable, you do what you want without interruption and make that clear to everyone. I know i'm over simplifying it and there are a ton of variables and "yeah buts,"... just trying to throw some ideas your way.


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## Private Eye Wife (May 8, 2009)

WOW! I cannot believe this post! It is so me... a year ago!!! I put my foot down HARD! People didn't understand it & said awlful things behind my back that others enjoyed calling me to repeat. I let them all go by the wayside and out MYSELF FIRST for the first time in my life. I found myself missing the drama, confusion and someone to invite over for a meal or whatever the reason. I missed it all for about 3 months then... I found peace & quite. These two small but simple words saved my life. My husband comes third; God first, me, then all the dirty deads he still can't admit to. Him admitting to what I already KNOW is less important to me now and now that I am no loner his slave, he's ready to move out & on. Oh, happy days! Here in VA, you cannot put your spouse out - they have to leave on their own accord. You can however charge them with abandoment. His OW/co-worker is also married so let them do whatever - if she wants him back, so what.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

martino said:


> Maybe try and slow down and focus mainly on your mom before you even begin sorting feelings on your husband and OW.
> 
> Retrain your husband/kids/business to see you in a new light. Delegate more responsibility on them. When they expect a certain response from you that they are used to from the past, surprise them with a different one. "No, you can do that and here's how" Super Nanny Jo Frost even has families sit down together and write up a house rules list with the responsibilities of each member of the family. Makes sense, there are no gray areas after that, you've got your job now do it no matter who it is. Schedule down time, that no matter what for an hour a day or whatever is reasonable, you do what you want without interruption and make that clear to everyone. I know i'm over simplifying it and there are a ton of variables and "yeah buts,"... just trying to throw some ideas your way.


Actually funny that you mention Super Nanny. I was thinking she has a lot of good ideas. I wish she'd come in and help me organize and get some of these good ideas in to place. Thanks for the suggestions.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

AZ,

She has several books out and past seasons on DVD so she can come to you. I like her a lot. Well actually her methods....it's all based on behavioral psychology which I adore because it tosses the search for "hidden meanings" and deals directly with behaviors and solutions within our own immediate environment.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

martino said:


> AZ,
> 
> She has several books out and past seasons on DVD so she can come to you. I like her a lot. Well actually her methods....it's all based on behavioral psychology which I adore because it tosses the search for "hidden meanings" and deals directly with behaviors and solutions within our own immediate environment.


I didn't know that she had written any books. I am going to look in to those. I see myself in both my kids particularly my daughter. She will even copy my vocabulary sometimes. I don't want to teach her how to deal wiht stress in the wrong way. She may not know what is upsetting me but she sees how I deal with it. I think this would be a good place to start. Thanks.


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