# after 10 years of marriage...



## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

honestly, I am not sure where to turn, and came across this site and thought it would be worth a shot. 

First.. I love my wife so much, she is an amazing woman and an amazing mother. The problem is, for both of us, being parents have overrun our lives. I am not saying that it is a bad thing, but somewhere along the lines, it just got to be where we weren't really a couple, just parents. 

second... sex for us, is about non-existant. Other things happen at times, but actual sex rarely does. Recently we have began talking about things and being more open. This really helps, and it feels good, but it hasn't really got us more into things. 

So, I guess I will cut straight to the point that made me seek answers from complete strangers. lol In our talking, it came up about past sexual details. It turns out her ex before me, was very large and my wife admitted that she missed being with someone so big. Honestly, my first instinct was to be mad, but that quickly subsided, I wanted her honest opinion and I got it. we talked more and come to find out, my size is an issue to her. I guess... from here, we have talked, but I have no idea how to actually proceed. 

I know, so many people will assume shes being mean, but it wasn't like that. And I am the type of guy(and her the type of woman) that would rather hear the truth, not the candy coated version. 

so my question is... well... honestly... i dont know how to proceed now. Any advice?


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Well, assuming you didn't shrink after the wedding 10 years ago, then how was it that you were adequate then and now she misses donkey dong? 

As far as I know there nothing you can do to make it larger, is this a deal breaker for her? I'd ask her right out.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

It didnt shrink, truth is though, I always wondered if it was too little for her. does it really matter so much? i always thought it didn't. 

We talked about how big of deal it was, and to her, its not a big deal in a marriage, but it is a big deal in sex.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

But sex is a big deal in marriage...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

I agree totally, I want sex. I am not saying I am great at it, but I always strive hard to please my partner, I care about her enjoying it more than me enjoying it. 

So honestly.... is size really that big of deal? She seems to think so.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Dude, that's the ultimate insult, the mother of all insults for a wife to say she misses something bigger. I don't know how I would handle that. Maybe introduce large toys in the bedroom? That's a harmless way to approach it in my opinion. Would she go for that and be satisfied? The others may know of some good ones, I cant comment on them they are taboo in my marriage as I'm married to mother Teresa's alter ego.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

iowaguy79 said:


> It didnt shrink, truth is though, I always wondered if it was too little for her. does it really matter so much? i always thought it didn't.
> 
> We talked about how big of deal it was, and to her, its not a big deal in a marriage, but it is a big deal in sex.


How much bigger was the other guy?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

iowaguy79 said:


> It didnt shrink, truth is though, I always wondered if it was too little for her. does it really matter so much? i always thought it didn't.
> 
> We talked about how big of deal it was, and to her, its not a big deal in a marriage, but it is a big deal in sex.


How much bigger was the other guy? What was said to you would destroy many mens ego, many could even start having ED issues as a result of the guys larger dong in his mind.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

That is the most heartless thing you could ever say to a man........


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

Like I said, at first, i was mad and took it as an insult, but then I gathered myself and realized that she was being honest and I was glad she was finally 100% honest with me, I actually believe that is the only way we will get past everything and have a great marriage. Years ago, she got a large dildo as a gag gift from friends at her bach. party, but its still in the package, we have discussed trying that out.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

karole said:


> That is the most heartless thing you could ever say to a man........


And after ten years together:scratchhead:
Wow.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

I am embarrassed to admit it, but I actually asked how big her ex was. I know... I shouldn't have, and she asked if I really wanted to know, if I did she would tell me. I was curious, so she told me. He was a touch over 9". 

Honestly, this led us to measuring me, out of my own curiousity, because she couldn't believe I had never measured myself


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

iowaguy79 said:


> I am embarrassed to admit it, but I actually asked how big her ex was. I know... I shouldn't have, and she asked if I really wanted to know, if I did she would tell me. I was curious, so she told me. He was a touch over 9".
> 
> Honestly, this led us to measuring me, out of my own curiousity, because she couldn't believe I had never measured myself


Was he thick too? And did she measure from the top, the side or down on the bottom to the balls of the other guy?

9" or greater, your talking about .1% of the population, not even 1%, it's POINT 1%. These are anomalies like a 7'4" basketball player. I mean can you expect to be 7 ft tall? NO. Would you want to, many wouldn't would think it's too big.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Maybe she told you this just to discourage you from pursuing sex with her.
Ask her what you can do other than a penile transplant to make sex more satisfing.
Maybe suggest using toy as part of yalls sex life.

I just thought I was for an open and honest relatiomship, but damn!

Is there any way a women can shrink their vag? Maybe your big enough and she is too big.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Yeah I think you're ok if you're being compared to a 9 incher. I agree with Trey as the 9 incher is most likely in the 1 percentile. At least I hope.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

she measured him the same way she measured me i assume, top side to the tip. and yeah, the thickness was more she said.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I don't know how often it would matter but everyone is different -if she says that was a turn on for her I guess it is. 

You are handling it very maturely. Obviously it was not important enough to her to keep from marrying you. 

I have to wonder how much of this is really just low libido. Does she masturbate to pictures of guys with large whohaaas? Does she have an xxl dildo? 

Or does she just think maybe she was more interested in sex before the kids and that is probably the reason?

Does she like to be submissive? 

I suppose it is like any other fetish some people just have their little likes and maybe you need to get creative to figure out how to keep her turned on. 

But maybe that is just an excuse for her LD -was your sex life good before the kids came?


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

I am positive she wasn't lieing, its not how either of us are, she was being open and honest.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

What is LD? I dont know what that means. 

honestly, we dont look at porn much, but i know when we have, she is very interested in well endowed men, I just assumed that was natural. Like guys wanting to see certain things on women, doesnt mean they need that.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

Oh, and yes, the dildo that I talked about it, that she got as a gag gift is very large.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

roostr said:


> Yeah I think you're ok if you're being compared to a 9 incher. I agree with Trey as the 9 incher is most likely in the 1 percentile. At least I hope.


9 incher and greater is in the POINT ONE PERCENTILE (.1%) or one out of a thousand c0cks.

True 8 inchers are not easy to come by and are in the top 1-5% of c0cks or one out of a hundred to 5 out of a hundred c0cks.

If she thinks she needs a nine incher, your probably going to be SOL.

However, if she just could use a bit more, you can bolster up your own c0ck, it's going to take some time. 

If you are average length 5-6" you can grow to 7-8", and thicker than the other guy. It should be enough to thrill your wife.

Go to Penis Enlargement at Thunder's Place or Penis Gym - Get the Penis YOU WANT and look at pumping, hanging, clamping and extenders. It's going to take about a year, but you will see good gains after 3 months.

Happy to help...


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

iowaguy79 said:


> Oh, and yes, the dildo that I talked about it, that she got as a gag gift is very large.


We have another poster that used an unusually large dildo on his wife, and it was intense for her. However it was so intense for her, that his normal sized unit could no longer excite her. I'd be very careful and wade down the penile enlargement path that I showed you. Also max out your body, you should have nice ab muscles and nice glutes won't hurt either.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

LD means Low sex Drive. 

In other words she is just not interested in sex in general. There can be physical reasons or mental reasons.

I suppose she could be just situationally LD because some need that is not being met but usually a person does not simply quite being interested in sex.

For example:
If a woman for some reason is not doing it for a guy he will probably turn to porn and self service way before losing all interest in sex.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... You asked for honesty and you got it. And now you're trying to deal with the answer. Unlike some of the others, I don't necessarily think she's trying to hurt you or disregarding how you feel. 

So... You growing isn't much of an option. That leaves things like using a toy on her, getting her to work on her internal muscles so she gets more sensations, even bringing in a "pinch hitter" once in a while so she can get her fix. Another option though... You admit to not being that good at sex. Why are you not making the most of what you've got, for crying out loud?

Oh, and another thing to try... Simulated double penetration (you and a toy). Can fill up the "empty" space quite nicely. That helps with girth issues though, not so much length. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

iowaguy79 said:


> honestly, I am not sure where to turn, and came across this site and thought it would be worth a shot.
> 
> First.. I love my wife so much, she is an amazing woman and an amazing mother. The problem is, for both of us, being parents have overrun our lives. I am not saying that it is a bad thing, but somewhere along the lines, it just got to be where we weren't really a couple, just parents.
> 
> ...


Never, EVER draw ANY comparison between past relationships and current. 

Did you have sex with her before being married? If so.... She knew and accepted your size. Has she considered maybe her vagina is just too big? Sorry... I'm pissed off just reading this. Its been a rough day.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maybe you could hit the gym and bulk up a little? That would make you appear bigger and to the extent her obsession with big ones is mental it could take her mind off of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

well.. honestly... our sex life has never been that good, i just finally decided I wanted to know why, and now i know. I know with her ex, she was very into it, she told me everything I asked. I know that sounds weird, but I would rather know the truth instead of assuming something much worse. 

We do other things, make out a lot, she tells me I am amazing at that. I go down on her a lot, and she enjoys it, but she says its just not the same. which.. i guess i get. 

now... i normally would never ask this, but I guess the anonymous part of the internet makes it easier, is umm... 4-4.5" really small for a guy?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Was the 9 inch guy able to go balls deep on her? I know of some 9 inch guys and with many women 1"-2" of c0ck is left unpenetrated. They hit a wall at the end of the vagina.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

iowaguy79 said:


> well.. honestly... our sex life has never been that good, i just finally decided I wanted to know why, and now i know. I know with her ex, she was very into it, she told me everything I asked. I know that sounds weird, but I would rather know the truth instead of assuming something much worse.
> 
> We do other things, make out a lot, she tells me I am amazing at that. I go down on her a lot, and she enjoys it, but she says its just not the same. which.. i guess i get.
> 
> now... i normally would never ask this, but I guess the anonymous part of the internet makes it easier, is umm... 4-4.5" really small for a guy?



You know someone who is 4-4.5" ERECT? Tell him to get on those penile enlargement sites I pointed you to. He won't get to 9", but he'll get over 6" with alot of work and consistency.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

There is another thread in this section about "ladies, does size matter?"

the general consensus seems to be size doesn't matter. I know this doesn't apply to every woman but maybe there's some helpful things to gleam in that thread. Ladies?? suggestions for this poor guy?


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

i know this seems to make people mad, and I really dont want people to hate my wife for her saying this. She chose me and loves me. I truly did want her to be honest and to know what the issues are. 

Also, I am in good shape, I run a lot, 2-3 miles a day and work out quite often, but then again, so does my wife. That aspect is fine for us. 

And bring in a "pinch hitter"... as in another guy? do you think that really is an idea worth pursuing?


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

no pinch hitter, no swinging. that will be worse, much worse


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

and yes... i kno a guy whos 4-4.5".. know him very well. lol


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

iowaguy79 said:


> i know this seems to make people mad, and I really dont want people to hate my wife for her saying this. She chose me and loves me. I truly did want her to be honest and to know what the issues are.
> 
> Also, I am in good shape, I run a lot, 2-3 miles a day and work out quite often, but then again, so does my wife. That aspect is fine for us.
> 
> And bring in a "pinch hitter"... as in another guy? do you think that really is an idea worth pursuing?


I wouldn't bring another guy into the situation... I guess if you want her to fall for it, and you leave it may be worth it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I was just throwing that out there as AN option, not necessarily a good option. Even using a larger toy has risks, but at least there's not much danger of her running off with the toy. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

iowaguy79 said:


> now... i normally would never ask this, but I guess the anonymous part of the internet makes it easier, is umm... 4-4.5" really small for a guy?


Are you serious? 

Because I would really think that you would have googled this on your own.

according to wiki:
(5.1–5.9 in) in length with a 95% confidence


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

I looked around some online and it seemed like different places gave different answers. not far apart, but 2" or so


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Size is not what makes it or not. Its the motion in the ocean...how well you use your tool. My hubby is very large and uncircumsized what he would tell you is being overly large is a hindrance rather than a blessing. My guess is she has romanized her past into something it wasn't. You need to focus on your assets and technique and forget about the ex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

I really do try to, I love her more than anything. We do other things, just not actual sex, truth is, what she said, just makes everything fit. Part of me is glad to know, part of me wishes it was smoething I had control over and could change. I just want a good sex life. In my mind, its not a reason to leave, but I want it to be better.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

Sorry if I am sharing too much. Maybe I just got carried away with how easy it is to be honest when things are on the net.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

How did she get the "gag xxl dildo" 
Are you sure that was not just an excuse for why she has it?
Maybe she has been using it all along?

I do not see this is a real excuse for not wanting sex. It would be like a guy telling his girl that he really prefers to watch porn because the girls are so much hotter than she is.

If she would just go get a boob job and so forth maybe he would be interested.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

it was a gift from her friends at a party before we got married, so shes had it 10 yrs. 

honestly.. i dont think its been used, but idk. I think it would be obvious if it has been used.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

iowaguy79 said:


> it was a gift from her friends at a party before we got married, so shes had it 10 yrs.
> 
> honestly.. i dont think its been used, but idk. I think it would be obvious if it has been used.


My concern wouldn't be whether it's been used or not. But whether she's discussed the comparison of you and her ex with all her girlfriends, and you're the butt of the joke. But that was 10 years ago...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I think it was a ****ty admission because you can't do anything about it. You got what you got.

There are lots of ways to up your sexual game that don't involve penis size. If you think the sex isn't great the only way that would change if your size changed was because you would be more confident.

Really it's like telling a woman with small breasts that you love big breasts. Okay and what. You love big breasts. I ain't got em. For an occasional novelty have a big dildo then. OCCASIONAL. The rest of it you can't pin on penis size and neither can she.

I had a very large partner - shame he was as big a **** as his **** was. Whooptie do, big fricken deal. I would never tell my husband that - never - because it's never mattered a bit to me but it probably would to him.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

OMG, i never thuoght of that. but now that you say that, I think you are right. Too much of a coincidence that she says the toy is almost as big as her ex. probably why they got it for her


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

Scarlett... I really don't want people to hate her, I didn't take it as mean, but IDK anymore...

I am not saying I am great. Personally, I am not the type that slept with girls just to sleep with them. My only partners were 2+ year relationships. So honestly, Maybe it is something I can do, I just dont know what to do.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I've seen penis extenders in the sex shops I visit online. You just put them on your own penis from what I can tell. You just take them on and off, it's nothing permanent. 

I don't get the appeal for one that long. I already have to be careful because a lot of positions hit my cervix and it is very painful. 
But 4 inches is a big difference from 9 inches and if it's a girth issue as well then it would be even more noticeable. 
Do you make sure she has an O every time? You don't need to use your penis to get her off. 

I also agree with this and is the same for me as a HD woman. 


usmarriedguy said:


> If a woman for some reason is not doing it for a guy he will probably turn to porn and self service way before losing all interest in sex.


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Was the 9 inch guy able to go balls deep on her? I know of some 9 inch guys


Based on a study I read 9" is extremely uncommon. The study was done by a condom company which asked people for size information to get a "custom" fit condom. People had every reason to be honest; so they would get a proper & safe fitting condom. If I recall correctly, the numbers came out very close to the numbers quoted in the Wikipedia article that said 5.some inches is average. 

Years ago I had a female friend (she was not a girl friend and I didn't have sex with her) I used to talk with about a lot of things, including her sex life. She was kind of a party / club girl when she was in her early 20's. She had sex with at least 20 guys and she related to me that around 6" or a little over was on the very large side of what she typically experienced. She had sex with some men who were smaller also and didn't in general express that she felt any of them were inadequate due to size. 



treyvion said:


> with many women 1"-2" of c0ck is left unpenetrated. They hit a wall at the end of the vagina.


The above mentioned friend did tell me about one partner who was larger, I'm guessing well over the typical 6" mark as she talked about this exact problem, where they were not able to be in all the way. She didn't stay with the man with the large penis and later married someone else.

It's hard to imagine why a woman would possibly want a man to be any larger than around average, as I would imagine that it would make positions such as the woman on top extremely uncomfortable if not impossible.

Also, I don't really see the reason that size is even that much of an issue. The point I was trying to make with my story about my friends experience is that she saw and experienced different sizes of penises and even the smaller ones were not a problem for her by any means.


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

iowaguy79 said:


> now... i normally would never ask this, but I guess the anonymous part of the internet makes it easier, is umm... 4-4.5" really small for a guy?


Read this quote:
"Males may quite easily underestimate the size of their own penis relative to that of others, because of the foreshortening obtained from looking down, due to repeated observation of atypical penises in pornography, or *because of the accumulation of fat at the base of the penis.*"

If we are honest here, I don't think any of the males here can say that they haven't thought about their penis size and wondered / worried about how they compared to other men. Most women have probably talked about the penis size of their partners, just as men talk about breast size of females. In the end the size of either doesn't seem to be the key to satisfaction for most people.



iowaguy79 said:


> We do other things, make out a lot, she tells me I am amazing at that. I go down on her a lot, and she enjoys it, but she says its just not the same. which.. i guess i get.


Was the relationship with the other man shorter, as in less than 2 years? If so, I bet she remembers it more fondly due to what is refereed to as new relationship energy. Often short / intense relationships will be remembered fondly due to the quick rush of dopamine they produced that caused a sensation like a drug high.



iowaguy79 said:


> well.. honestly... our sex life has never been that good, i just finally decided I wanted to know why, and now i know.


Honestly I don't really buy this as the reason that your sex life has never been good. I strongly suspect there is something else going on.

Past your early 20's or so, who is even hung up on the size of much any body part?

Any chance there are emotional needs of hers you are not meeting?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You may have answered this already but did she have vaginal births? Did she have episiotomy? Did this size problem develop after kids? Does she have orgasms vaginal? Does she masturbate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I didn't say I hated your wife - I said that was a ****ty thing to say as there's nothing you can do about your size.

However, there are a bazillion books on how to satisfy a woman. You can up your game any number of ways that have no bearing on penis size.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I'm not buying this. Sorry. You've been married for ten years and all of a sudden she now tells you that you don't measure up to Mister Big Gun.

What took her so long and what makes you think that you can wish for the dik fairy to show up and put a ten incher under your pillow and you unscrew your old one off and put the new one on.

You got what you got. Christ, I was married to a border line nympho for ten years and satisfied her until I couldn't handle her attitude any longer. If your average then so be it. 

Ever stop to think that maybe she's just loose? It happens. Maybe you should tell her to start doing the Kegel exercises. Can't hurt.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Why does this thread seem hard to believe? Why does it seem unlikely that the OP would NEVER research the statistics on penis size, read up on articles on sex where penis size is discussed, research sex positions ideal for smaller penises, etc., etc. However, he can easily find a site like TAM to talk about his penis size and his wife's size preferences on the SIM forum???

Something does not feel right about this thread...


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> .
> Do you make sure she has an O every time? You don't need to use your penis to get her off.


Yes, I try to every time, it is not with actual penetration, but yes, we do it other ways. To her, its not the same. At least thats how she describes it. I thought an O was an O


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> You may have answered this already but did she have vaginal births? Did she have episiotomy? Did this size problem develop after kids? Does she have orgasms vaginal? Does she masturbate.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes she did have vaginal births. I think this has always been somewhat of an issue but got worse after kids. She has had vaginal orgasms in the past, but with me, not as much.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

Plan 9, if you read my posts, i said that i had looked it up, but it seemed like it was all over the board. There were articles that quoted different things. I am sorry that it doesn't feel right to you, maybe I am sharing too much here. But I guess I am just at the point now where I would rather have answers and ideas on what to do. And for your information, I was looking up ideas on how to add a spark and keep things better and came across this site and started reading. I actually read a lot of posts before posting my own. 

I have learned one thing over the years. I can't make people believe me, if they don't, they aren't worth the time it would take to make them believe me. Chances are, people who are so cynical of others, usually are not truthful themselves, that is just my opinion though.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Still regardless of whether she has an O during intercourse or her preference for size she married you. 

A lot of women do not O during intercourse and it does not keep them from wanting to do it. 

Do you O from intercourse or is the size an actual problem?


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

I know she married me. And I am not saying our marriage is bad, because its not, maybe I shouldn't be complaining, i really dont mean to complain. Truth is, we have a great marriage. I love her, she loves me, we have great kids, a great house. She is an amazing mother. But... theres one area that is not good, maybe I am being greedy wanting that to be good. I am sure there are a lot of people that would trade me in a heartbeat to have a woman like her. 

But... I just looked at my life and at times, its frustrating, sometimes feeling unwanted by her. Greedy or not... I just was hoping to make the area where things arent good, better. 

When we do have sex, yes, i have an O


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"When we do have sex, yes, i have an O"

So regardless of whether or not she is turned on by your penis she should be turned on by making you happy and sharing the act. 

Her position is unreasonable, unloving and disrespectful. 

I have no idea why you would think that she is so great.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

I just think she is great. SHe is my wife adn I love her. Outside of sex, we have an amazing life. Sexually... not so much. IDK how to explain it. But I can honestly say this, even as bad as things are sexually, when I have had chances to cheat, I was not interested in it. There is no desire to be with anyone but her.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

OP, some women, but not all, seem to fixate on size just as men do. Your W seems to be one of them. 

I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but there are several threads in the CWI section here where women have cheated, and even left their H's, for men who had smaller penises. So obviously size didn't matter to them.

My own sister left her first husband who was a mountain of a man and by all accounts was "hung like a horse" for a guy who was no taller than her, and who has joked about not having a "big one". They just celebrated their 25 year wedding anniversary.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

usmarriedguy said:


> So regardless of whether or not she is turned on by your penis she should be turned on by making you happy and sharing the act.
> 
> Her position is unreasonable, unloving and disrespectful.
> 
> I have no idea why you would think that she is so great.


Her enjoying sex is just as important as him enjoying sex. They should both be happy sharing the act and making it the best it can be for both people. If she is wanting vaginal Os then there are other ways he can do that for her, and should. Just saying too bad, I enjoy sex so you should just be happy that I am enjoying it is just as unreasonable, unloving and disrespectful IMO. 
There's no reason they can't meet in the middle and give her vaginal Os (since she is capable of them and wants them) and then have sex, or the other way around so they both get what they want.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Her enjoying sex is just as important as him enjoying sex. They should both be happy sharing the act and making it the best it can be for both people. If she is wanting vaginal Os then there are other ways he can do that for her, and should. Just saying too bad, I enjoy sex so you should just be happy that I am enjoying it is just as unreasonable, unloving and disrespectful IMO.
> There's no reason they can't meet in the middle and give her vaginal Os (since she is capable of them and wants them) and then have sex, or the other way around so they both get what they want.


I agree with your totally. I want to make her enjoy it and that be the reason she wants me.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Her enjoying sex is just as important as him enjoying sex. They should both be happy sharing the act and making it the best it can be for both people. If she is wanting vaginal Os then there are other ways he can do that for her, and should. Just saying too bad, I enjoy sex so you should just be happy that I am enjoying it is just as unreasonable, unloving and disrespectful IMO.
> There's no reason they can't meet in the middle and give her vaginal Os (since she is capable of them and wants them) and then have sex, or the other way around so they both get what they want.



Yes certainly her enjoyment is as important as his. He can't suddenly grow a larger penis though and she did marry him with full knowledge of what marriage is.

He never said anything about not wanting to please her and he never said anything about not being willing to use toys. 

His wife is withholding PiV because she is not getting anything out of it. Perhaps next she will start withholding oral because she does not like small penis's or maybe she already does.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

honestly, she doesnt do oral very often on me, but she will use her hands and i do still enjoy it. 

part of me thinks its a lot mental. Maybe I am wrong, but I think for women, and really guys too, sex can be so mental. Well... if she thinks I am too small, I will be too small. I equate it just like when I was big into sports, go out thinking you will lose, you are probably going to lose. And for so long, I tried to keep positive, thinking I was enough, but after time, it kind of wears on me.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

i dont mean to sound like im whining, sorry.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

barbados said:


> OP, some women, but not all, seem to fixate on size just as men do. Your W seems to be one of them.
> 
> I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but there are several threads in the CWI section here where women have cheated, and even left their H's, for men who had smaller penises. So obviously size didn't matter to them.
> 
> My own sister left her first husband who was a mountain of a man and by all accounts was "hung like a horse" for a guy who was no taller than her, and who has joked about not having a "big one". They just celebrated their 25 year wedding anniversary.


Yeah, he needs to find a woman who "hates" her bf or hubby's "big c0ck" tired of all the hassle behind it, the excessive time to penetrate, pain, etc.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

Treyvion, you were the one that posted I believe about why her friends got her that gag gift, it made me curious, so I asked. Yes, a couple of her friends knew all along she had an issue with my size. But to her, she thinks its normal. Says they tell each other everything. I am not sure if I am more embarrassed or hurt. Not that she todl them I guess, but that she told them before she would even tell me.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

iowaguy79 said:


> Treyvion, you were the one that posted I believe about why her friends got her that gag gift, it made me curious, so I asked. Yes, a couple of her friends knew all along she had an issue with my size. But to her, she thinks its normal. Says they tell each other everything. I am not sure if I am more embarrassed or hurt. Not that she todl them I guess, but that she told them before she would even tell me.


It's always like that. So you been left in the dark about it all these years and been looked at in a diminished LIGHT over all these years too without even realizing it. I gave you some links so you can help your numbers out a bit, but if a 9" plus **** is that important to her, it will eventually kill your soul knowing it.

I could not stand to be on the butt of that joke, and also to be the outsider almost as a prop in the relationship with that joke on me. Where the 9" guy is revered among her and the friends, you are the nice loving guy who would never hurt her. 

I'd do what I can about my **** size wouldn't tell her a thing and if it's still that big of a deal, find someone I knock their socks off!


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

I don't want to leave her, I truly don't. But honestly, yes... I kind of feel like I was the butt of her friends jokes. 

I know its probably not true, but I just imagine her friends all jealous of her as she tell's them about how big Chris is, then later all feeling sorry for her or making fun of me for being little. I know thats probably not how it went, but its hard to get out of my head.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

That is so pitiful. 

So she married you with the full knowledge that she considered you unsexy and is not interested in anything but your ability to provide.

I don't know what kind of love that is but it would definitely not be the kind I would want.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

I dont think thats exactly how she thought it. From knowing my wife, I think the way it went was she had an amazing sex life with her ex and loved it, but he treated her crappy outside of sex and she hated that. So then I come along, and her and I get along great but the sex.... ehhh... not so much. And I think she truly decided that she would rather have great rest of her life, and bad sex, than great sex and bad rest of her life.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

iowaguy79 said:


> I don't want to leave her, I truly don't. But honestly, yes... I kind of feel like I was the butt of her friends jokes.
> 
> I know its probably not true, but I just imagine her friends all jealous of her as she tell's them about how big Chris is, then later all feeling sorry for her or making fun of me for being little. I know thats probably not how it went, but its hard to get out of my head.


In all honesty it's something that some "girls" do. You cannot worry about it. Those friends are definately not giving you more "man points" for the information she revealed to them. Imagine if she simply said nothing about your personal business. They wouldn't be able to deduct anything from you.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

As long as you are OK with it that is all that matters. 
A good sex life is more important to some than to others.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

OP I feel so bad for you..she should have NEVER said that, heck she should have lied to protect your feelings and love for you. That was down right disrespect.

Can I ask ..Is she this blunt and cutting in the rest of your relationship? I mean is she demeaning to you? Try's to put you down so she feels better..it's a control issue. By her hurting you this way it has given her more sexual power over you which is NOT good.

As a woman who loves her DH dearly I love his penis dearly as well. Granted I have only slept with my DH. He claims he is on the small side 6 inches but I beg to differ. When he is inside me it FEELS like 12!!! Most wives are not size queens. We want our husbands to be patient and considerate lovers. Could it be about something different? Maybe she associates the large penis with the feelings she had for that man...IDK

((HUGS))


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

I always felt weird around them, now I wonder if it was because of that, or if its just in my head. 

honestly... im trying to be ok with it, but i want it to be good.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Wait...do you guys interact with this guy?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

There is no evidence that her friends know anything about it. 

Maybe she bought it for herself and lied to cover that up. 

Maybe her friends just knew her last boyfriend was large and do not know anything about you.

Maybe she made the whole thing up because she does not really like sex and wanted an excuse for not having it and felt the need to make the story up to her girlfriends to act like a big shot.

The apparent fact that she never uses the xxl dildo and now seems will not do oral makes me think that she is lying and she actually has no sex drive. 

But what ever, I do not think you should worry about it at this point because she seems to be pleasing you regardless.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> There is no evidence that her friends know anything about it.
> 
> Maybe she bought it for herself and lied to cover that up.
> 
> ...


Boy....the lengths a woman would go to just to avoid sex? I will never understand!


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

we dont interact with her ex. I see him around once in a great while, but we dont interact. 

and she flat out told me that 2 of her friends know everything, but she knows everything about them too. its kind of how their relationship goes. 

and... i perform oral on her a lot, she enjoys it, it just does not lead to more.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Did she tell her friends that he is bigger than you and that she prefers a bigger penis? If she did she shouldn't have. She might be telling her friends to much. That's very intimate stuff. When you marry you can't be telling your spouses issues to your friends.

Does she give you oral too?

I am not being mean I am just trying to help?


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

Yes, but this wasnt recently. She talked to them about it back when her and I first started dating. 

Not often, but she does at times.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Oh....Ok well that's good. How is her character is she a giving, selfless woman or can she be controlling and demeaning? I am not trying to get you to bad mouth her a all it just seems that sometimes in these situations, comparing you, not having sex, less oral to you, a wife makes the whole issue about her. Which is actually selfishness.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

She is not demeaning, i know a lot of people think it is, but i do not take it that way. She can be selfish at times, but overall i do not think of her that way.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

So you go down on her and get a hand job in return? 
How often does this occur?


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

yeah, usually, sometimes i just jerk off after, with her watching or helping, sometimes she does suck me too. 

umm... id guess on avg, 2-3 times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Oh god. 
Well whatever works for you. good luck.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> Oh god.
> Well whatever works for you. good luck.


umm... ok, thanks i guess


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Doesn't she ever just want to jump on you and ride though? :scratchhead:

I mean it's a good sign you two are doing oral and being intimate...I just don't get why if you both are already naked and getting it on...why not finish with PIV..:scratchhead:

A lot of men on TAM have a crappy time even getting their wives naked.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

iowaguy79 said:


> umm... ok, thanks i guess


Some of us are thinking you tend to get "cheated" in your various interactions. You are a strong man.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Some of us are thinking you tend to get "cheated" in your various interactions. You are a strong man.


:iagree:

Exactly


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

i kno.. maybe i shouldnt complain about it. we do have sex, but its once every couple months


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

iowaguy79 said:


> i kno.. maybe i shouldnt complain about it. we do have sex, but its once every couple months


That right there is ALOT to complain about. If you are much below two times a week there is reason to complain.

To me it sounds like she is romanticizing these former lovers and it cools you off quite a bit. She's using you for support and assistance, you get maintenance. She does love that you love her tho.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

i enjoy things, she has actually become more... idk how to put it, but... kinky as she got older too. but i wish i just felt more interested and wanted


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Midwest Guy said:


> Iowaguy79
> 
> Is there a chance you could have misunderstood her and she actually meant her ex is a big penis?


:rofl::rofl:


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

iowaguy79 said:


> i enjoy things, she has actually become more... idk how to put it, but... kinky as she got older too. but i wish i just felt more interested and wanted


You have every right to feel that in your marriage! Have you two really talked about this? Does she know the extent of your pain? You have got to nip this in the bud or you might be in a completely sexless marriage in a few years!!


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

i have tried to. but i guess i dont want to be the pushy type too. i was just glad that she opened up some a nd was willing to try some new things


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

You have to talk about this..lay it on the line..do not be beta be alpha...your future sex life may depend on this issue..Plus it may be a positive turning point in your marriage...maybe suggest reading sexual books together to learn about each other's needs and wants.

gtg....I will catch up later!

Good Luck


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

The first two pages was all I could read. 

Yeah you wanted the truth and got it and all, but damn......

Your wife is still a cold heartless b!tch. 

I dont know if there is an equivalent "truth" a man could give a woman. Maybe "pssy too big, labia too big, breasts way too small, and my ex was the opposite"? All that rolled into one?


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

maybe, idk...


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

iowaguy79 said:


> I dont think thats exactly how she thought it. From knowing my wife, I think the way it went was she had an amazing sex life with her ex and loved it, but he treated her crappy outside of sex and she hated that. So then I come along, and her and I get along great but the sex.... ehhh... not so much. And I think she truly decided that she would rather have great rest of her life, and bad sex, than great sex and bad rest of her life.


So she made you the Plan B beta provider, while she pined away for the ex in bed. That sucks big time. 

There is absolutely no reason for your sex life to suck. Sex is just as much mental as it is physical (at least for humans) and she fixated on penis size and never bothered trying to move past that in her mind.

It does sound like she was not really over the ex when you guys married.

BTW, the sex toy from her friends was a total classless act, and your wife completely betrayed you there. I am really starting to think this rabbit hole may go deeper than you think.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Middle of Everything said:


> I dont know if there is an equivalent "truth" a man could give a woman. Maybe "pssy too big, labia too big, breasts way too small, and my ex was the opposite"? All that rolled into one?


I see it as similar to what I see guys say in a lot of oral sex threads, some women just stink/taste bad despite good hygiene and they don't want to give them oral. 

OP- have you asked her about buying and using toys? ( I wouldn't use the gag gift ones, if it is made for just being a gag gift they aren't always body safe anyway)


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

it wasnt actually made as a gag gift, its a real dildo, but still in the box, i was actually thinking about just using it on her honestly.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

Barbados, what do you mean the rabbit hole may go deeper?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

iowaguy79 said:


> it wasnt actually made as a gag gift, its a real dildo, but still in the box, i was actually thinking about just using it on her honestly.


May as well, can even do double penetration with the dildo and yourself. Schedule it so you are part of the action, cause if she takes you outta the equation you will end up sexless.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

iowaguy79 said:


> Barbados, what do you mean the rabbit hole may go deeper?


The "rabbit hole", meaning the joke. Relation partners can sometimes tear down their spouse behind their back. It's not meant to hurt but in the guise of humor. They have no idea that they are affecting the light you are seen in and it really can do a number on you.

So the joke may have gotten dirtier and more violating than you could have ever imagine. Perhaps she felt sorry for you, but you where such a nice guy in comparison she could never let you go. But also could never let go longing for a 9+" **** either. Perhaps your kinda seen as her son whose she helping and she gets her needs for deep penetration met elsewhere.

Who knows how far the joke has gone.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

Honestly, I know I am new to the whole toys thing, but from just looking at it, I am not sure that me and it would both fit at the same time so I am not sure how that would work. lol


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

I am not sure there were actual jokes, I just know it has been talked about.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

iowaguy79 said:


> Barbados, what do you mean the rabbit hole may go deeper?


Treyvion just explained it very well.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

yeah... i hope its not true, but i see what you mean


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

iowaguy79 said:


> Honestly, I know I am new to the whole toys thing, but from just looking at it, I am not sure that me and it would both fit at the same time so I am not sure how that would work. lol


You can still make sure you and PIV are part of the action, begin with PIV and when you are done finish her off with it.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

what is.. PIV? sorry, I really dont know what certain things mean. Like OP also?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

PIV- penis in vagina sex.
OP- original poster (you  )


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

iowaguy79 said:


> what is.. PIV? sorry, I really dont know what certain things mean. Like OP also?


PIV = Penis in Vagina


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

Ok, thanks! sorry, sometimes I feel like its so overwhelming here. I love getting all of the opinions though. Personally, I am the type to get a bunch of info, then make my own decision. This is great for that.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

She's kept the bachelor party dildo around for a decade. Whether she has used it or not, were she not interested or curious in it, it likely would have been tossed in the trash long ago.

Key issue here is communication (or the lack thereof) a decade ago. Had you known this was an issue in her mind back then, would you have married her? If not, then you got married without having the full set of information to make the informed decision that she did. She clearly talked about it with her close friends. She wasn't close enough with you to talk about it before walking down the aisle?

You deserve a wife who is into you 110% - or at least started the marriage that way. You say she has a selfish streak. I'd say so. She kept some pretty important information away from you at a very key time for make life-long decisions. 

You can appreciate her "honesty" now all that you want. Problem is that she's been lying to you for 10 years. If I were you, I'd want to know why she hid the truth from you for so long. You've spent a decade building a life with a person who misrepresented themselves to you. 

If she was a dynamo in the sack with you, then you could say "forgive and forget." From what you wrote, it sounds like she "gets hers" and then gives you the bare minimum in return. Her admission explains a lot about the course of your life. It has major impact on your well-being. In my book, she has some major 'splaining to do.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

Honestly, I would have married her anyways, but I wish I would have known. 

A little back story, truth is, I have only been with one other woman, we were together a while too, but it wasnt all that sexual of a relationship. I found out she was cheating on me and that was the end of it. Sex wasnt a big deal to me, still isnt a huge deal, but I wish it was a bigger part of our relationship. My ultimate fantasy is to walk in the door and be greeted by my wife and her just not be able to keep her hands off me. Honestly, there are many times i feel that way about my wife, but I have never really felt that from her.


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

iowaguy79 said:


> Like I said, at first, i was mad and took it as an insult, but then I gathered myself and realized that she was being honest and I was glad she was finally 100% honest with me, I actually believe that is the only way we will get past everything and have a great marriage.


I think you are handling this so well. You are absolutely right, being open and honest, and having the desire to deal with what you are going to hear is the foundation on which a really good marriage is built. And your ability to handle what she said is the REAL measure of a big man. 

I have to disagree with others who say it was cruel for her to tell you this. You want honesty (kudos to you), and you got it. And you're willing to deal with it (kudos again). In the context of how it was said, it wasn't cruel at all; it would have been bad if she had lied about it, and left you in the dark not knowing what the issue was, with no hope whatsoever of being able to work something out. 

The truth is, sometimes if a woman's body gets accustomed over time to a larger penis (especially if he happened to be her first lover, so its all she knew beforehand), it can be difficult reaching orgasm with someone smaller in size (if the woman orgasms from penetration) because the woman's body get very conditioned to the larger fit. Unfortunately, it does happen. Doesn't make you any less of a man by any means. And a woman who is not conditioned to a larger penis likely would have no issue. 

There is so much debate about whether size matters, but sometimes, it really does. My husband is above average large. He's the only sexual partner I've ever had and we've been married 21 years. A while back he went through an extended period of extreme stress which ultimately started to affect the size of his erections (which have subsequently returned to normal, thank goodness!). He was diagnosed with adrenal burnout from the stress, and that's what was affecting his erections. During that brief period of time when his erections were being affected, I would say it put him in more the normal range as opposed to larger than average which I was accustomed to -- and I could not reach the same level of excitement with him. It was still good, but whereas it had always previously been blow-my-socks-off-AMAZING, this did leave me feeling unsatisfied. For me, physical size did make a difference - and it was not psychological, this was definitely based on physical sensation. (I have heard it said that only large women need a large penis to be satisfied - I am *not* a large woman; I'm small to medium boned and while definitely not "skinny", I am within my ideal weight range for my height. But again, my body became conditioned to the larger size after many years of only having experienced this. 

So for your wife to tell you this, as I see it, shows how much she trusts you, and feels safe in being able to be totally honest with you. Thats a good thing!

Get her to try PC muscle exercises. They are so easy to do anywhere, anytime. You can do them too, they will enhance the quality of your erections. Of course, there's always oral which many women love and feel very satisfied by. BUT....

I would also strongly suggest that you try Korean Red Ginseng, which is VERY EFFECTIVE in adding potency to erections. Overall, Ginseng is very healthy for you in general (research it), but the *Korean Red* Ginseng is particularly good for men because it increases blood flow to the penis (and it REALLY works unlike some overly priced supplements that claim to do this). It can make erections harder, stronger, and yes, in some cases, bigger - worth a try to see if it makes a difference, and ultimately if it doesn't do anything for you in that regard, you'll probably like the overall sense of healthy energy and general feeling of well being that it gives you. No harm done. I know when my husband was having his stress-induced issue there for a while, this stuff was amazing, so I can attest to its effectiveness. (PM me if you want to know the brand that really worked for us and where to get it. Its not pricey either - I think its like 17.99 for a bottle that can last 1-3 months or so, depending on how large a dose you feel you need to take). I understand that in your case its not a stress-induced problem, but because of the increased blood flow to the penis, Red Ginseng actually makes the penis feel bigger and harder, which may lead to enhanced satisfaction for your wife (and therefore you as well!. Hope this helps


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

Fabulous... Thank you for the great post. Truth is, yes, he was my wifes first, they were together for many years also, so that makes a lot of sense. truth is... i feel like less of a man, i have a hard time admitting it, but i mean, i am literally half the size of what she enjoyed, it makes it tough. 

for her, oral does help, but the way she describes it, its like taking the edge off... but not like how she felt with big.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

You posted both this:



iowaguy79 said:


> yeah, usually, sometimes i just jerk off after, with her watching or helping, sometimes she does suck me too.
> 
> umm... id guess on avg, 2-3 times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less.


and this:



> She is not demeaning, i know a lot of people think it is, but i do not take it that way. She can be selfish at times, but overall i do not think of her that way.


This makes me conclude that she is selfish at least 2-3 times per week, sometimes more sometimes less.

This is your sex life. Either be happy with this, or leave. She is not into you and does not want you sexually other than you getting her off. It ain't going to change.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

I appreciate your advice, I welcome any advice, I truly do, but I am not the type to just give up either.


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

iowaguy79 said:


> I appreciate your advice, I welcome any advice, I truly do, but I am not the type to just give up either.


Read some of the material on this site, there is a book also with the same title (MMSL): Blog | Married Man Sex Life

You come across as lacking confidence. In my experience, most women are turned on by confidence and turned off by guys that just cater to their every need and are too willing to please, especially in the bedroom.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

iowaguy79 said:


> I appreciate your advice, I welcome any advice, I truly do, but I am not the type to just give up either.


But you all ready have. You service her sexually, then have to take care of yourself with little help from her and you think that is just fine. Actual traditional sex occurs once every couple of months. She admits that she just isn't into you.

If you don't want to give up, then stop this demeaning sex. Tell her are open to suggestions on making things work for her, but it also needs to work for you. Make clear that the current situation is not acceptable.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

Honestly, we have discussed ways of "spicing" it up. One thing was the toy that was mentioned. She had some other ideas, and I am willing to try. Not sure if they will help but if he wants to try something, i think its a step.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

iowaguy79 said:


> Honestly, we have discussed ways of "spicing" it up. One thing was the toy that was mentioned. She had some other ideas, and I am willing to try. Not sure if they will help but if he wants to try something, i think its a step.


Yet you continue to take the scraps that she sees fit to dole out. Your issue is that you don't think you are worthy of anything better. So sex is all on her terms. That is toxic for your marriage. 

Sex absolutely needs to be good for her. But it just as absolutely needs to be good for you. As it stands now, it is all about her and none about you. Until you stop that dynamic, nothing will improve.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

I dont want to break any rules or be too graphic here, but I had a question about something she wanted to try. I am not sure what the proper way to ask is. Seems that some people make comments and get upset if people are too open.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Not really, someone may get upset by something someone else says but such is life. You can't always have a frank conversation without ofending someone. 

About the only rule is that it is a serious discussion to solve or at least learn something about an actual problem. The software will mofify cerain common but not scientific words that are used to describe sex.

In other words it is not the intention of the site to be a sex site. It is a help site about sex.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

ok, well... one of her ideas was for me to go down on her, after sex and after I have "finished" inside her. This is new to me, I am not saying I am against it, but this is one of the first things she has brought up and suggested and actually made me more of a part of, seeing as how sex would happen first, so I dont want to say no either.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I do not think that is so uncommon. Some men and women are turned on by the idea. 

As long as it is not face sitting you can just stick to the clit and never actually taste your own come. I have done it before it is not a big deal. 

There is a at least one regular male poster who finds come swapping sexy that I have seen.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

iowaguy79 said:


> ok, well... one of her ideas was for me to go down on her, after sex and after I have "finished" inside her. This is new to me, I am not saying I am against it, but this is one of the first things she has brought up and suggested and actually made me more of a part of, seeing as how sex would happen first, so I dont want to say no either.


So, what's the question? It's referred to as a "cream pie". Try it if you want, don't try it if you don't want. It's up to you to get as messy as you're comfortable with. If you focus just on her clitoris, it would be much the same as regular oral sex. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Not at it hasn't been said by yourself as well as others - but a situation where YOU are giving her oral and then YOU are jerking yourself off is not a fair deal. She's only taking. She isn't giving. 

Regardless of her penis size preference does it really put her out that much to have penetration sex with you? What's the deal with her only allowing that every few months. It sound to me like she's put you on sexual lockdown and is being very secretive. Two people can't have a good sexual relationship unless both are willing to make themselves vulnerable to the other. 

As for going down on her after you've gotten off - did she say what about this is appealing to her? Variety is the spice of life and all but it sounds to me like another instance of you doing all the work.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

Yes, she is the one that has always wanted to try it. I wasn't too sure about it, but I agreed. I am not against it by any means, just was new to me. Plus, I think this way we are both more involved. 

How she put it, was, many guys love a girl to go down on them, and taste themselves, after they have been in a girl. Well... for her, it works the same way in reverse. 

To me.. this is fair and the fact that she wants the sex part, is a step, even if a small step, but a step nonetheless in the right direction.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

iowaguy79 said:


> ok, well... one of her ideas was for me to go down on her, after sex and after I have "finished" inside her. This is new to me, I am not saying I am against it, but this is one of the first things she has brought up and suggested and actually made me more of a part of, seeing as how sex would happen first, so I dont want to say no either.


This is the next rung up the ladder toward her cuckolding you. Actually, reading your post makes me think you're setting this whole thread up to go in that direction. But whatever, you're not really listening to advice anyway, just going on with the story. Next step, a guy with a BBC for you to clean up after.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

Umm... I am listening to all advice, I just started the post yesterday, so far I have really only begun. But again, you can believe what you would like. I am not going to try to change your mind.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This is the next rung up the ladder toward her cuckolding you. Actually, reading your post makes me think you're setting this whole thread up to go in that direction. But whatever, you're not really listening to advice anyway, just going on with the story. Next step, a guy with a BBC for you to clean up after.


To be honest, I did think it was a step in the cuckholding direction too. To show complete sexual supremecy and dominance over him.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

iowaguy79 said:


> Umm... I am listening to all advice, I just started the post yesterday, so far I have really only begun. But again, you can believe what you would like. I am not going to try to change your mind.


Just truly evaluate your position. Determine whether some of the inbalances are ok, or the sexual rate, etc. What about her energy towards you? All of those things have to be measured.

Sometimes we please and get stuck in a phase of being too nice, and you put em on a pedastal. Others do not, and you appear to them below herself and all the others.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Me thinks another one has had some fun at others expense. I'm done here !


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm not sure, it sounds a little humiliating, what she's asking for. But who cares really. Consenting adults and all that.

Lest you find me judgy, I am just now getting regular oral after 18 years of marriage. Its brought up all that - should you kiss after and all of that. Not decisions I imagined having to make in my 40s. So far I've gone with oh hell, why not.


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

*Re: Re: after 10 years of marriage...*



WorkingOnMe said:


> This is the next rung up the ladder toward her cuckolding you.


I was going to say the same thing.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

iowaguy79 said:


> How she put it, was, many guys love a girl to go down on them, and taste themselves, after they have been in a girl. Well... for her, it works the same way in reverse.


I do not know about "many" -I have no interest in my wife tasting herself. All guys certainly appreciate if their women do not mind because it is nice to get oral sex after or inbetween but the pupse is pleasure and not her tasting herself. 

Considering the fact that she does not seem to interested in tasting you I would be hesitent about doing much of anything for her. 

Do you think she may be in to domination?


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

Trust me, this does NOT make you less of a man. I've got more to say to you, gotta go make dinner now, so TBC...

But for now I'll just add that it makes a lot of sense to me now that you have confirmed that 1) he was her first, 2) they were together a long time. HE was UNUSUALLY huge- this is simply what her body became conditioned to. This is really not any shortcoming of YOURS. Its just really dumb luck that it worked out this way. I repeat: This DOES NOT make you less of a man!!! [Spoken from a woman's perspective - and a woman who is accustomed to an above average-large man at that!).

If your wife is a good, decent woman who loves you, then HECK no! Don't give up on your relationship. There's a lot to work with there. If you believe you have a solid foundation based on love, mutual admiration, respect and regard, general caring for one another, I promise that if you both are willing, you can have a long, happy, and yes, *mutually satisfying* future ahead of you. 

I must add though: I haven't read the whole thread due to time constraints (my initial response was based on what you said and asked when you opened this thread), but I do agree that if you are doing things to satisfy her needs in other ways, she should be showing genuine concern and interest in satisfying your needs. If she is not interested in ensuring that you get sexual satisfaction, then that's a whole other show...




iowaguy79 said:


> Fabulous... Thank you for the great post. Truth is, yes, he was my wifes first, they were together for many years also, so that makes a lot of sense. truth is... i feel like less of a man, i have a hard time admitting it, but i mean, i am literally half the size of what she enjoyed, it makes it tough.
> 
> for her, oral does help, but the way she describes it, its like taking the edge off... but not like how she felt with big.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

iowaguy79 said:


> How she put it, was, many guys love a girl to go down on them, and taste themselves, after they have been in a girl. Well... for her, it works the same way in reverse.


Does she ever give oral after sex or do you kiss her after oral? 

IMO anything that isn't going to damage you is worth trying at least once if your partner wants it, as long as there is good enough trust and communication that you feel comfortable stopping if you want to. 

But I don't see her request as something horrible.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

Thank you Fabulous and Slowly for that. 

She has in the past but not recently given me oral after sex. 

As far as her wanting BBC or whatever some of you were talking about, it hasn't even been brought up or thought about I dont think. So I think you are way off there.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

If she enjoys the pressure of a larger penis, suggest anal. She will feel a lot more pressure and it's been mentioned by numerous women that orgasming while analing is much more intense than vaginal.

Just a thought.

As far as your wife goes, honest or not, love should have made you the size of the titanic. A woman truly in love doesn't care about your size or think of ex boyfriend's penises. Nope. They may think they are in love, but if an ex boyfriend's penis is in their mind, they have no idea what love is.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

I will see what she says Coldie. 

And I hope you are wrong, I truly am in love with her, I know she is with me. So I hope you are wrong.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

The only idea I have is that he is so meek that she just assumed she could treat him however she wants to and he would be fine with it. 

Maybe the relationship was always this way. 

Before you got married was sex the same where you give her oral and she allows you to jack off?


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

we didnt do a lot of oral before marriage really. we did have sex more, but I wouldn't say a lot.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

iowaguy79 said:


> ok, well... one of her ideas was for me to go down on her, after sex and after I have "finished" inside her. This is new to me, I am not saying I am against it, but this is one of the first things she has brought up and suggested and actually made me more of a part of, seeing as how sex would happen first, so I dont want to say no either.


OK. Now I'm even more convinced about this thread...

Someone mentioned going down a rabbit hole. Truth is, neither he nor his situation is going down the rabbit hole. However, I see a whole slew of posters going down it though.

Just in case I'm wrong: OP, if you are on the small size and your wife likes large ones, tell me how in the fvck would you giving her oral after you ejaculate inside her does ANYTHING to make sex feel better for her???

Again, just in the off chance that this is real (which is doubtful), can't you see that this idea is nothing more than a way to humiliate you???


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

iowaguy79 said:


> Plan 9, if you read my posts, i said that i had looked it up, but it seemed like it was all over the board. There were articles that quoted different things. I am sorry that it doesn't feel right to you, maybe I am sharing too much here. But I guess I am just at the point now where I would rather have answers and ideas on what to do. And for your information, I was looking up ideas on how to add a spark and keep things better and came across this site and started reading. I actually read a lot of posts before posting my own.
> 
> I have learned one thing over the years. I can't make people believe me, if they don't, they aren't worth the time it would take to make them believe me. Chances are, people who are so cynical of others, usually are not truthful themselves, that is just my opinion though.


Bullsh!t. If you were researching this with any seriousness, you would have seen a lot more agreement on averages sizes and how to compensate for it than any disagreement.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Bullsh!t. If you were researching this with any seriousness, you would have seen a lot more agreement on averages sizes and how to compensate for it than any disagreement.


Eh, research can only do so much. Yes there is an average size and yes most women will talk about the motion of the ocean and how it doesn't really matter. Fact is- despite what average is and despite being able to compensate in other ways, size matters to some women. 
Note that average size mathematically is not the same thing as what the preferred size is, that's where you get into all over the board

I've had a lot more private conversations with women about how it would be a deal breaker than I would see if I researched it. It's a sensitive topic, we want to be nice. It would be like a man saying, ya she's too ugly/fat for me to be turned on. So you research and find out the average woman does not look like a model and most men, if they really love you, will still want you and be pleased with you. Doesn't do a lot of help if your partner and your research are conflicting.

What exactly was he supposed to find out that would solve his problems? That he's average and many women would be fine with compensating elsewhere? It's still a problem for him so isn't this as good a place as any to get help?


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Eh, research can only do so much. Yes there is an average size and yes most women will talk about the motion of the ocean and how it doesn't really matter. Fact is- despite what average is and despite being able to compensate in other ways, size matters to some women.
> Note that average size mathematically is not the same thing as what the preferred size is, that's where you get into all over the board
> 
> I've had a lot more private conversations with women about how it would be a deal breaker than I would see if I researched it. It's a sensitive topic, we want to be nice. It would be like a man saying, ya she's too ugly/fat for me to be turned on. So you research and find out the average woman does not look like a model and most men, if they really love you, will still want you and be pleased with you. Doesn't do a lot of help if your partner and your research are conflicting.
> ...


The problem is that his size clearly isn't the problem.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Plan 9 and a few other are suggesting that this guy is putting us on. 

His story is so out in left field that it seems suspect.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

Honestly, I don't know what to tell you. If you think I am putting you on, I don't know how to make you believe something else. 

I wish I was putting you on. I wish this was all made up and my wife and I had an amazing sex life, but thats just a wish. 

I just kind of figured this was a place to get advice and not a place to feel even worse about sharing our issues because I am reading so much bad stuff about me. I didn't intend to cause anything.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

iowaguy79 said:


> honestly, I am not sure where to turn, and came across this site and thought it would be worth a shot.
> 
> First.. I love my wife so much, she is an amazing woman and an amazing mother. The problem is, for both of us, being parents have overrun our lives. I am not saying that it is a bad thing, but somewhere along the lines, it just got to be where we weren't really a couple, just parents.
> 
> ...


If you are too small, that also means that she is too loose. I assume you have never compared her too tighter previous girlfriends nor would? Of course not. That would make you a pathetic person. I am a reasonable size, but I have been with girls where it was uncomfortable tight and girls where it was throwing a sausage down a hallway. When girls like me, I am huge, when they are angry I am small. It is a thing women say that reflects their mood (I think it often affects their perception).

Her reason for bringing this up as an issue is spite.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

jdd said:


> The problem is that his size clearly isn't the problem.


You don't know that, a lot of this is just based off the opinion that it's "humiliation" to have oral after PIV (I did it all the time, no humiliation here and OP said she has done it in the past too). That and if a man is average it should be good enough and if you say otherwise you must be lying. 

She said his size is a problem, I'd take her word for it.



usmarriedguy said:


> Plan 9 and a few other are suggesting that this guy is putting us on.
> 
> His story is so out in left field that it seems suspect.


I've heard this basic story from the female side, maybe guys just don't talk about it as much?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

iowaguy79 said:


> Honestly, I don't know what to tell you. If you think I am putting you on, I don't know how to make you believe something else.
> 
> I wish I was putting you on. I wish this was all made up and my wife and I had an amazing sex life, but thats just a wish.
> 
> I just kind of figured this was a place to get advice and not a place to feel even worse about sharing our issues because I am reading so much bad stuff about me. I didn't intend to cause anything.


If you are real, then it looks like most of your problem is in between your ears. It's probably not the size of you penis that is the issue, it's you not coming across as desirable to your wife. 

The question I would be asking is this: Is it the large penis that she really craves or is it the sexual chemistry she had with the big d!cked dude that came across as a "bad boy"?

Considering you meekly accepted "table scraps" instead of feasting on the main course in your marital sex life is indicator enough to me that you are not desirable because you don't ACT desirable...

Good Lord man! You're basically acting like a little puppy cowering in the corner just because a few people are calling you out on what appears to be a far fetched situation. If it's real, then get pissed off and call us out for being d-bags or something. Show some passion. Right now, just show that you have a pulse. That would at least be a start.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

Plan 9... honestly.. finally after all of your posts, I think I may agree with you, somewhat at least. 

I think part of the problem is in my head, I have never once said that it was my wife's fault alone and none mine. I really do respect and love my wife so much, and sometimes I think, and maybe I am wrong, that is not always the best way to approach things in thebedroom, that a guy can be too nice in the bedroom. 

ANd from talking to her(which is one great thing about all the stuff thats come up) I think you may be right about the big guy, it was his attitude too and the chemistry. He treated her crappy as a gf, but when it came to sexual things, he was more aggressive from the sounds of it, just took it, very much in control. And that was something she liked.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I don't think it's that far fetched, really. 

My DH has to remind me over and over again that all he thinks about sex is "mmm, sex good." I may spend hours per day thinking about this and that about sex and what did he mean when he did that one thing and so forth. While all he's thinking is "boobies". 

iowaguy was researching, that's how he ended up here. Like most of us. I googled 'why won't my husband give me oral' and ended up here. When it comes to wives with endowed ex boyfriends there is not much science can say about it. That is a psychosexual issue and everything is relative when it comes to that. 

Really I thought the guy who had been married for 16 months and hadn't had sex yet had a much higher probability of being fake.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> You don't know that, a lot of this is just based off the opinion that it's "humiliation" to have oral after PIV (I did it all the time, no humiliation here and OP said she has done it in the past too). That and if a man is average it should be good enough and if you say otherwise you must be lying.
> 
> She said his size is a problem, I'd take her word for it.
> 
> ...


Well, oral after ejaculation would not automatically be an indicator that his wife is trying to humiliate him. However, when you take the other parts of the story into consideration, it appears to be a humiliation tactic. If the woman was truly about size only, then why would she suggest that he give oral after she had semen inside of her? How could that possibly address the size issue? Also, how does that give HIM a rewarding sexual relationship with his wife? 

Frankly, it's my belief that this woman would be pretty low on the desirability list. Who wants to make love to someone that is is so selfish and self absorbed? If and when the OP ever wakes up, he'd realize that his wife is far from a good catch and is in fact a pretty undesirable woman at that.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> I don't think it's that far fetched, really.
> 
> My DH has to remind me over and over again that all he thinks about sex is "mmm, sex good." I may spend hours per day thinking about this and that about sex and what did he mean when he did that one thing and so forth. While all he's thinking is "boobies".
> 
> ...


Wouldn't surprise me if he was. Hell, not worth posting in that thread based on what I read about it. 

Maybe I'm too skeptical. I'll give the OP the benefit of the doubt for now.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

married all this time and all of a sudden its an issue??

BULLCRAP!!

Either the real problem is her vagina is just too big (could happen, childbirth does wreak havoc)

or, most likely, she is making excuses, re-writing history, to justify something she has done, is wanting to do, or is planning on doing...

or she is a complete and utter idiot who married someone whos penis was too small to satisfy her (most likely not the case)

The fact that she said this to you is VERY telling...something is rotten in denmark, i am sorry to say


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Eh, I've noticed the way men interact with other men on this board is completely different with how the women do - but I think generally women come from a more empathetic place when someone is expressing pain. 

Regardless, I also found the oral after ejaculation to be debasing.

Editing to add - it's not unreasonable at all to let 10 years pass with something bothering you about sex without saying anything. I went 18 years. Some couples just really do not talk about sex. Looking back on the way things were with my husband, I can't believe we were like that. We had sex 2-3x/week and never said a single word about it outside the bedroom. Or in the bedroom for that matter! No conversation. And when there is no ongoing conversation it's very difficult to start one.

HOWEVER - if that conversation starts with a penis size comparison to an ex lover I still find that ****ty.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

or...you can suggest rolling her over and playing the back nine...unless she is very experienced with back door action, I can guarentee you your tool is plenty big, if not too big, for her

be careful with toys though...my buddy and his wife decided to get her a dildoe, there was never any talk of his size being an issue...and they went on line and she picked it out...when they got it he said it was huge...he said when he put it next to his fully erect penis, that his penis looked like mini-me...this was the beginning of serious problems for them and their sex life took a dump for a long time...he said he never did use the toy and she through it out (yeah right)


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

I wasnt sure how to react to the oral after thing either. But I didn't want to strike down the first idea that she wanted to try new things that involved me, unlike just getting a toy.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Thirty seconds of research...

Small Penis Sex Positions - AskMen


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

iowaguy79 said:


> when it came to sexual things, he was more aggressive from the sounds of it, just took it, very much in control. And that was something she liked.


Do This.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> If the woman was truly about size only, then why would she suggest that he give oral after she had semen inside of her? How could that possibly address the size issue? Also, how does that give HIM a rewarding sexual relationship with his wife?


Or it would turn her on and turns PIV into an act that she gets something out of. I may prefer 1 thing the most but if I couldn't have it I would at least like some of the other things I'd also enjoy instead. We can have more than 1 turn on!

It's a compromise: Ok, I can't have my #1 want( a big penis) but this would also turn me on so maybe we can try it? How is that so terrible? We should be able to talk about what we want and work out ways to each be satisfied, no? 

As for how it gives him a rewarding relationship? Is sex not more rewarding for a man when his wife is enjoying it and wanting it?


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Eh, I've noticed the way men interact with other men on this board is completely different with how the women do - but I think generally women come from a more empathetic place when someone is expressing pain.
> 
> Regardless, I also found the oral after ejaculation to be debasing.


I was pretty darn empathetic in my first posts. Then perhaps much less so once I started to see that this woman isn't showing him respect.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Or it would turn her on and turns PIV into an act that she gets something out of. I may prefer 1 thing the most but if I couldn't have it I would at least like some of the other things I'd also enjoy instead. We can have more than 1 turn on!
> 
> It's a compromise: Ok, I can't have my #1 want( a big penis) but this would also turn me on so maybe we can try it? How is that so terrible? We should be able to talk about what we want and work out ways to each be satisfied, no?
> 
> As for how it gives him a rewarding relationship? Is sex not more rewarding for a man when his wife is enjoying it and wanting it?


I'm coming from this as a skeptic. He gives his wife plenty of oral now. What's the reasoning behind getting oral after he finishes inside her?

I understand where you are coming from though. PIV could get a woman up there pretty high, and oral sex to bring about orgasm after he brought her along via intercourse would be the thought behind this. But she indicated to him that PIV with him does nothing for her. Because of that, I question her motive behind this request.


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> You don't know that, a lot of this is just based off the opinion that it's "humiliation" to have oral after PIV (I did it all the time, no humiliation here and OP said she has done it in the past too). That and if a man is average it should be good enough and if you say otherwise you must be lying.


It's not just this. It's everything he has said that has led me and many other guys in this conversation to conclude that his wife is showing a total lack of respect towards him.

Also he is being way too "soft" and everything seems driven around doing exactly what his wife wants and very little seems to be about what he wants.

I'd have to go back and re-read the posts, but there are many tip-offs that his wife doesn't respect him. or at the very least is treating him disrespectfully in regards to this issue.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Thirty seconds of research...
> 
> Small Penis Sex Positions - AskMen


The conversations I've had with women where we've discussed size- the general consensus between the ones that had a size preference was that if the guy is good enough in other ways, we would try to deal with it and work around it, like positions and other methods, but that it would be compromising what we really wanted which could eventually wear on us. Some said it would get to the point that they wouldn't be able to be in the relationship for very long before it would be enough to make them leave. 

It's no different for men having sexual preferences and wants, you either learn to live with it, compromise or you move on. I hope the OP and his wife can find something that makes them _both _happy is all. Just making her the villain isn't going to fix it IMO.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The problem is not your size. It's your insecurity about your size.
You can't change it. You have to act like a man who deserves good sex. You have to act like a man who gave her the free choice to marry you and continues to give her the free choice to stay with you. Under your assumption, if she is still here, she is happy. Don't get inside her head. Look at the thread about a wife declaring she won't feel sexy in menopause. The point is don't buy into any of it. It's like this problem is a balloon. It only gets big if you blow it up. Don't blow it up. You can't talk your way into her liking a small ****. You can only decide to tell yourself things that build you up, and adopt a mental attidue that you will take what you want and tolerate X from your wife..


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

The thing is though... i was never really insecure about my size before. Its not like I was bragging about it or anything, but I just really never thought about my size.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Well the thing that struck me as being odd is that she says that she misses the large size but in 10 years has not used the xxl dildo 

That just isn't what I would expect. 

So she does not like dildos? And she does not like real sex with the guy she chose to marry knowing full well the status. 

She gets oral and he gets whatever or maybe has to do it himself. And to top it all off now she wants him to taste his own come. Nothing wrong with that in itself but under the conditions it seems suspiciously like humiliation. 

(but perhaps I am just reading that into this situation because I do not think that he is being treated properly)

I asked if he O'd through PiV -I believe that answer was yes. To me that would indicate that there is not much of a size difference problem. 

I have read that about 30% of women do not O through intercourse anyway. I can certainly understand why a woman who did not O through intercourse would need other means but to withhold intercourse because your husbands tool is too small is just cruel. 

And it is not a case where the guy is opposed to toys. She apparently never mentioned it.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

I think there may be something to the "take charge" point. My wife is not submissive in the least. She's extremely intelligent, highly skilled in her profession, and the last person in the world who would put up with ANY abuse. But she consistently says she LOVES it when I take charge in the bedroom. And not in the sense of excessive force, just in the sense of deciding what, when, where and how and making it clear she's wanted and desired. Not every time, mind you, but many (most?) woman appreciate it at least semi-regularly.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

iowaguy79 said:


> The thing is though... i was never really insecure about my size before. Its not like I was bragging about it or anything, but I just really never thought about my size.


This is what I heard too. You never had any inkling that "size" could be an issue. It wasn't until the wife mentioned and brought up the greater than 9" pecker from the past that you ever started to consider it. Your a strong man.

If you are deep into your womans mind, and you care, you will learn to overwelm her and satisfy her in a great many ways. Maybe you already are.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> Eh, I've noticed the way men interact with other men on this board is completely different with how the women do - but I think generally women come from a more empathetic place when someone is expressing pain.
> 
> ....


As a man, I have the same impression. I do not think this board represents how men typically interact on these issues in real life, where a far more empathetic response would be normal.


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## RandomWife99 (Jan 28, 2014)

Regarding the oral after sex, are you sure she wants you to taste your own cum? Maybe she just wants to be able to have an orgasm with you and use the piv sex as foreplay. Could you use a condom so there's no cum issue?

I know it's politically incorrect for girls to admit that they prefer a certain size, but it I don't think there's necessarily a cold-hearted shallow motive behind it. It's not comparable to men liking big breasts since that's aesthetic and a penis has a function. It is possible for a guy's penis to just not reach the right spot for sex to be pleasurable or lead to orgasm. Guys can also be too big. I've experienced both and do have a preferred size that's in between the two simply because it fits my body the best and is the most pleasurable. It's probably possible to work around it and try special positions, but that's something you would need to work on together. 

It sounds to me like your wife fell in love with you and mistakenly thought she could live without a satisfying sex but realized she was wrong. I don't think she did it on purpose as other poster as saying.

The biggest issue seems to be the fact that she doesn't reciprocate the oral, but is it possible she's built up resentment towards you since she finds your sex life unsatisfying? Since she says she finds the oral sex you give her unsatisfying, maybe she's resistant to fully pleasuring you. Not saying that's right, just something to think about, maybe ask her if that's true.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Have the two of ever considered seeing a sex therapist?


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## snglbuni (Mar 1, 2014)

My EX was above average as far as size & width. Now I don't even think about it how large he was. I have now been dating a great man that I would say is average as far as size and I enjoy it even more. If for some reason I feel there is not enough excitement between the sheets.... I take the initiative and go out and buy sexy outfits, toys, oils or whatever to spark up the sex for the both of us. BTW... I guess I somewhat respect your W for being honest, but honestly I personally would never tell a man that. I agree with the others that she did accept you just the way you were when she married you and if she is feels she is not being completely satisfied and ya'll have an open and honest relationship I think it would be great to ask her what you could do to satisfy her needs. She might have some ideas that she is afraid/embarrassed to tell you, but if you ask... she just might open up  Believe me... women have lots of ideas..Lol


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

iowaguy79 said:


> honestly, I am not sure where to turn, and came across this site and thought it would be worth a shot.
> 
> First.. I love my wife so much, she is an amazing woman and an amazing mother. The problem is, for both of us, being parents have overrun our lives. I am not saying that it is a bad thing, but somewhere along the lines, it just got to be where we weren't really a couple, just parents.
> 
> ...


She shouldn't have married you, and you should not have married her, if this was an issue. She was honest, so you have to live with her answer, but so does she. I don't care how amazing she is......blah blah blah. You deserve to be with someone who really desires you and enjoys you physically. She does not. Don't necessarily consider this salvageable......
Your kids are young I'm sure. Divorce would be hard on them. But she has told you, for the first time apparently, that you are inadequate. You might discover this is a deal breaker. If you do, then no reasonable person could blame you IMO.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

I like what nuclear has said above. It was the truth, great, kudos all around for the truth. But, man, on the other hand....it was THE TRUTH. 

My wife (26 years married, together 33) told me about nine years ago that she wasn't that attracted to me, physically. I'd put on some weight, maybe 20 pounds, but well-proportioned, I lift heavy, I'm a big guy. **** happens. Sex dwindled and dwindled and dwindled. It's a long story, I don't want to rehash it all again, but suffice it to say when a wife starts saying things they don't like about you physically, or wish you were more THAT way, it's cooked. You will never get what she said out of your mind. There's probably a better way she could have stated this TRUTH than to say she 'missed' the bigger guy. 

I am headed for divorce after trying to get past nine years of my wife saying she just wasn't physically attracted to me that much....and if one is not physically attracted - if there's an issue there - rest assured there are things about your character, personality, habits, etc that she also doesn't care for. 

I can only reflect on this from how I am as a human being. Had my ife put on 20 or 30 pounds after the kids or whatever, it wouldn't have turned me off in the slightest - in fact I probably would have appreciated some cushion because she's very thin. I loved her for the human being she was, not the body she was in.

Think about it.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

nuclearnightmare said:


> She shouldn't have married you, and you should not have married her, if this was an issue. .


This board is full of people who married someone who couldn't give them all they need sexually.

There's also a lot of people who aren't happy just getting enough pleasure to take the edge off but never fully satisfy them.

There's really no difference if it's penis size, unable to give oral sex, ED, hormone problems, etc.
I feel like if the genders were reversed it would have different answers although I feel like in general a man who could not have or couldn't get any pleasure from PIV with his wife would be given a lot more sympathy and his wife would be expected to try as many other things as she was comfortable with to make up for not being able to experience that part of sexual intimacy.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

PinkSalmon13 said:


> I like what nuclear has said above. It was the truth, great, kudos all around for the truth. But, man, on the other hand....it was THE TRUTH.
> 
> My wife (26 years married, together 33) told me about nine years ago that she wasn't that attracted to me, physically. I'd put on some weight, maybe 20 pounds, but well-proportioned, I lift heavy, I'm a big guy. **** happens. Sex dwindled and dwindled and dwindled. It's a long story, I don't want to rehash it all again, but suffice it to say when a wife starts saying things they don't like about you physically, or wish you were more THAT way, it's cooked. You will never get what she said out of your mind. There's probably a better way she could have stated this TRUTH than to say she 'missed' the bigger guy.
> 
> ...


As pertaining to your signature "your life sucks, so act like it...". Is this telling betrayeds to get down on themself, and depressed about life, because I don't agree.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

treyvion, no, it's something I wrote to myself recently because I was being too compliant and accepting in a very bad situation. It;s the equivalent of 'I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!!....and I'm going to act like it!!'

But it doesn't read that way to anyone but me. I'm going to change it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

PinkSalmon13 said:


> treyvion, no, it's something I wrote to myself recently because I was being too compliant and accepting in a very bad situation. It;s the equivalent of 'I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!!....and I'm going to act like it!!'
> 
> But it doesn't read that way to anyone but me. I'm going to change it.


Live a good life and have a good life, it's within all our reach. Don't tolerate bs unless you absolutely have to, and even then you can move yourself to more favourable situations.

There's lots of women out there who love to please their man and can be happy with one... (Isn't there?)


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Why does this thread seem hard to believe? Why does it seem unlikely that the OP would NEVER research the statistics on penis size, read up on articles on sex where penis size is discussed, research sex positions ideal for smaller penises, etc., etc. However, he can easily find a site like TAM to talk about his penis size and his wife's size preferences on the SIM forum???
> 
> Something does not feel right about this thread...


:iagree:


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Because, as he said, he never considered his size or was insecure about his size until his wife recently said this. 

He likely googled wife prefered ex lovers penis size instead of any of the other topics mentioned.

Although no doubt he is very conscious of his size now he had no reason to be before.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> This board is full of people who married someone who couldn't give them all they need sexually.
> 
> There's also a lot of people who aren't happy just getting enough pleasure to take the edge off but never fully satisfy them.
> 
> ...


YOur first sentence: no kidding
And they are in f'ed up marriages as a result.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

Not only ef'd up marriages, but it takes a toll one one's emotions, brain chemistry, body chemistry, psychology, self-concept, worldview, joy in living......it goes way beyond mere 'not getting sex'. I would guess that, because of my situation, I now most likely have undiagnosed disassociation and depersonalization issues, unflagging depression, mild suicidal thoughts, C-PTSD, emotional codependence, and personalized Stockholm Syndrome, and who knows what's lurking within me healthwise.

There's little you can do to a spouse that's worse than long-term denial of sex and physical affection.....and yet continue on as if everything's normal.


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## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

OP's wife sounds passive-aggressive. Will let him give her oral, but no PIV or oral in turn. Then, when he brings up their lack of sex, she suggests that they do PIV first and have him go down on her afterwards. It's almost like she is negotiating in a way that will be repellent to him so that she can get him off her back with wanting PIV. "I'll give you PIV, if you clean me up after with your mouth."

If he satisfies her with oral and she O's, why would she not do PIV afterwards? So what if he's small? She should still feel plenty stimulated to enjoy and maybe O again. I don't get this wife at all.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Csquare said:


> If he satisfies her with oral and she O's, why would she not do PIV afterwards? So what if he's small? She should still feel plenty stimulated to enjoy and maybe O again. I don't get this wife at all.


The problem is she says she's not satisfied. For me, and all women are different, I have 2 basic types of Os, a quick clitoral, take the edge off kind, then there are the massive, whole body, can't move, head spinning, ears ringing Os which I can only get with both vaginal and clitoral together. If I had to go 10+ years without the later it would slowly make me more and more frustrated, better than nothing but still leave me longing for more. 
The way he wants to climax is important (HJ, BJ, masturbation with help, PIV) so the way she wants to climax should be equally important. There shouldn't be a 'well, she's getting off so that's enough' if it doesn't work both ways.

Also, like some men, some women are just done after an O. They don't want to get right up and start working on their partner, they want to lay back, relax and enjoy the moment. If they could take turns with who goes first and last (like with PIV then oral on her turn) then it could make her more enthusiastic with her giving, getting excited about what's to come next. 

and really, if semen was THAT bad that it's so horrifying that he might taste a bit, would you really expect your wife to give you oral?


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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> The problem is she says she's not satisfied. For me, and all women are different, I have 2 basic types of Os, a quick clitoral, take the edge off kind, then there are the massive, whole body, can't move, head spinning, ears ringing Os which I can only get with both vaginal and clitoral together. If I had to go 10+ years without the later it would slowly make me more and more frustrated, better than nothing but still leave me longing for more.
> The way he wants to climax is important (HJ, BJ, masturbation with help, PIV) so the way she wants to climax should be equally important. There shouldn't be a 'well, she's getting off so that's enough' if it doesn't work both ways.
> 
> Also, like some men, some women are just done after an O. They don't want to get right up and start working on their partner, they want to lay back, relax and enjoy the moment. If they could take turns with who goes first and last (like with PIV then oral on her turn) then it could make her more enthusiastic with her giving, getting excited about what's to come next.
> ...


I think you have an interesting point.

I have been thinking about this thread all day, and I have decided I would probably leave the marriage. First off, I would NEVER get her comments out of my head. Second, why waste the effort on someone so selfish? 

Leave her, find someone tighter who is more giving and enjoy your life again.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> The problem is she says she's not satisfied.



Who's fault is that?
She has had the xxl dildo for ten years and never suggested he use it on her or apparently did not even use it on herself.


I do understand the point about a lot of people here (including myself) marrying someone when we know that there is a mismatch and thinking that we can live with it or with time it will improve.

I suppose I her defense, the sex seemed to be this way from the beginning and he accepted it.

She is not the one who is actually trying to change the nature of their sex life, -he is. 

She only told him about the problem after he wanted to know why their sex life was abnormal. 

He shares a lot of the blame for just accepting the present conditions.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

They were both young when they got married and really believed it would not matter. Can't blame them for being optimistic. 

IG, can you get her to stop using the large dildo for at lest a few months and do vaginal exercises faithfully? It might be like a man masturbation and getting used to a lot of pressure and can't O with a woman. 

It's worth a try.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

I read through all of the posts, I just wanted to say thanks for all the posts. I think we have a lot to work on, no doubt. But I am not willing to just give up and leave. We are going to work on things and make them better.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> IG, can you get her to stop using the large dildo for at lest a few months and do vaginal exercises faithfully? It might be like a man masturbation and getting used to a lot of pressure and can't O with a woman.
> 
> It's worth a try.



She does not use it. She has had it for ten years and has not used it.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> She does not use it. She has had it for ten years and has not used it.


honestly, she has used it now. 

well.. we have together


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

iowaguy79 said:


> honestly, she has used it now.
> 
> well.. we have together


Without getting into details, how did it go? Was it a great experience for the both, not as good as she thought it would be, better than you expected it to be but demoralizing? 

Bottom line, will this be a viable option moving forward to help the both of you have a better sex life together or not?


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

I am not sure, i think it was a success... but I did feel a little belittled, just by how much she got out of it compared to me. but I didn't feel left out. and that is more important to me too.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I do not think her preference is a reflection on you. Almost no one would measure up to her requirement. 

The important thing in my mind is the she is considerate toward your needs also -which I think she has not been from your description.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

usmarriedguy said:


> *I do not think her preference is a reflection on you.* Almost no one would measure up to her requirement.
> 
> The important thing in my mind is the she is considerate toward your needs also -which I think she has not been from your description.


Agree. But the use of the toy has to be mutually beneficial to the both of them. If he ultimately feels humiliated every time they use it then it won't be a long term solution. If she gets to the point where she still throws the OP table scraps and acts like she's hurrying things along to get to the big dildo, then that's no good for the OP either.

Not to read too much into this, but unless the OP is REALLY SMALL, I think his wife is a sh!tty lover who may not have good bedroom skills in the first place. That plus weaker pelvic floor muscles makes for a boring lay. No offense intended OP.

If both do some research and find activities for the both of them to do together that are mutually beneficial - like finding the right sex positions to stimulate the G-spot for example - then his equipment should be plenty adequate for her. Again, the OP would have to have a micro-penis for her not to have a fulfilling sex life with him provided she works on her own bedroom skills - which I believe she has very little of from what I can conclude from reading this thread.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Iowa guy

I'd like to ask you this- do you believe your wife is/was more attracted to her ex than she is to you? I.e. not just the size issue, but generally.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

Outside of size... no, not at all. She is more attracted to me than him, by far.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

iowaguy79 said:


> Outside of size... no, not at all. She is more attracted to me than him, by far.


OP, I think NN was asking more along the lines of whether the XBF had a demeanor about him where he exuded sexual energy or had that "bad boy" vibe that was exciting. You may be physically more attractive - sure - but if you come across like a Calvin Klein model trying to play American Football then...you get my drift.


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> OP, I think NN was asking more along the lines of whether the XBF had a demeanor about him where he exuded sexual energy or had that "bad boy" vibe that was exciting. You may be physically more attractive - sure - but if you come across like a Calvin Klein model trying to play American Football then...you get my drift.


I see what you are saying. She was probably more into his attitude sexually, his more of a take what he wants. But as she put it, she could never be married to guy like that, that treated her like that all the time, or our kids like that. 

So... I am a nice guy, its what she liked, but its what she doesnt like sexually.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

iowaguy79 said:


> I see what you are saying. She was probably more into his attitude sexually, his more of a *take what he wants.* But as she put it, *she could never be married to guy like that, that treated her like that all the time*, or our kids like that.
> 
> So... I am a nice guy, its what she liked, but its what she doesnt like sexually.


Hmmmm... Did you just have a Eureka moment there?

You still need to figure out if your wife has a clue about how to act in bed or not. You give very little background on her. When you wrote that she was telling her friends about your size, I assumed she was more secure in herself and simply settled for you sexually because you were a nice guy who could provide for her. But now, based on the fact she never bothered to try the big dildo out after 10 years of togetherness where she wished you had a bigger penis, I'm thinking she's just not that good in bed. It kinda makes me think that she's not very capable of trying to find good solutions to the issue. If you think of your wife as this hot woman that's out of your league - don't. She's actually a sexual dud if it took her "nice guy" husband to amp up the sex games in the bedroom. Telling, isn't it?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I think Plan 9 is on to something here.

The fact that she did not use the dildo in ten years suggests that it is not her primary need. 

Yes, she may like it but she does not need it. 

She may have identified it as being the primary reason she enjoyed sex more with her previous BF when in fact it was more his sexuality that she was turned on by. 

You being too indifferent may be a real turn off for her.


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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

No idea how I would not feel humiliated if I was the OP. Absolute deal breaker for me. I'm not joking here. Can someone explain how you would rationalize this? (Please more than, "I love my wife."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iowaguy79 (Feb 26, 2014)

I do love her, And I asked for her honesty. 

She is working on making it better, as am I. I am trying to be better myself. I have a hard time putting all the blame on her when I think part of it is me.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I don't understand why anyone would assign her much blame. 

You are the one who accepted what she was offering. It is not as if she lead you on to make you believe that she likes PiV with you and then all the sudden she stopped right? 

Or am I wrong and this is not the way your sex life has always been?

It was my impression that you just now after 10 or more years finally asked her why.

I guess that she just assumed that you where OK with no PiV and apparently it is nothing she really needs.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> I don't understand why anyone would assign her much blame.
> 
> You are the one who accepted what she was offering. It is not as if she lead you on to make you believe that she likes PiV with you and then all the sudden she stopped right?
> 
> ...


I don't get that. OP did she EVER tell you anything like "I dont really like intercourse WITH YOU" or anything to that effect?? 
Im relally curious vis-a-vis before you were married -- 
did she really make it apparent that PIV with you "did nothing for her" prior to you asking her to marry you?

OP I am giving you the benefit of the doubt on your story. but regardless, I am having trouble understanding what has been going on in your wife's head for the last 10 years. I.e. I think most husbands want to be, and want to be confident that they are their wife's #1 lifetime sexual turn on. That their wife has never 'wanted' anyone more than they want/or wanted them. So I think for most men that is important, or they'd just as soon continue their journey in life and find somone else to commit to. If my wife was to reveal to me, or if I was otherwise able to ascertain that she did not consider me the #1 physical/sexual desire of her life, then all divorce/legal paperwork would be ready for her signature within 30 days...whether we had shared 1, 5, 10 or 30 or more happy years together up to that point would make no difference to me....including children.

If you do not share that sentiment OP, then that is your right and you can make your decisions accordingly. But if you do share it, then you need to have a serious talk with your wife and lay out your feelings to her and see what she has to say for herself. if she, in essence, "settled" for you, sexually.......you might just determine you dont like that one bit, and decide to do something about it.


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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

^Agreed.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

That is an interesting standard. I do not think that my wife or I or many spouses would even know the answer to that question. 

So it seems that as long as your spouse is not honest with you than you are OK. But if she should happen to be honest with you then you would throw out 30 years of happy marriage for something as trivial as you do not happen to have the biggest d!ck in the world.

I would really have to question if you actually love your wife or could actually love anyone seeing as you can probably never know the answer to that question. I don't know but it seems sad.


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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> That is an interesting standard. I do not think that my wife or I or many spouses would even know the answer to that question.
> 
> So it seems that as long as your spouse is not honest with you than you are OK. But if she should happen to be honest with you then you would throw out 30 years of happy marriage for something as trivial as you do not happen to have the biggest d!ck in the world.
> 
> I would really have to question if you actually love your wife or could actually love anyone seeing as you can probably never know the answer to that question. I don't know but it seems sad.


It isn't just that she had a bigger d$ck, it was that she doesn't enjoy sex with him. That is a significant difference.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> That is an interesting standard. I do not think that my wife or I or many spouses would even know the answer to that question.
> 
> So it seems that as long as your spouse is not honest with you than you are OK. But if she should happen to be honest with you then you would throw out 30 years of happy marriage for something as trivial as you do not happen to have the biggest d!ck in the world.
> 
> I would really have to question if you actually love your wife or could actually love anyone seeing as you can probably never know the answer to that question. I don't know but it seems sad.


You don't know the answer, for yourself? You were more attracted to past lovers than you are your wife, or may have been?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Yes I know the answer for myself. There are more attractive people in the world than my wife. I would assume that my wife probably feels that way for me as well but I do not know for sure.

"It isn't just that she had a bigger d$ck, it was that she doesn't enjoy sex with him. That is a significant difference."

I do not see the difference, she does not enjoy having PiV with him because his penis is not large enough to give her the stimulation that she needs for it to be enjoyable. 

She was not complaining and she is not using her toy so it is a logical assumption that she is happy with their sex life.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Has she tried doing exercises to increase her vaginal tone? That would be a far better solution for both of you. What you are doing now does not strengthen your connection and is not positive for both of you. 

Assigning blame seems to have no place here. Sex should be a mutually enjoyable bonding experience. Do you have that? 

If she loves you, she would do the exercises and forget the toy.


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## Godot (Feb 21, 2014)

treyvion said:


> To be honest, I did think it was a step in the cuckholding direction too. To show complete sexual supremecy and dominance over him.


 hi, I am new here but reading this made me want to comment. This quote is in response to the wife wanting to give the OP a "cream pie". I do think that it is a domineering thing. To show him who is boss. If he is okay with that, then more power to him, there are relationships where a man is happy to pick up the scraps and be dominated and subservient. If the OP isn't into it, it is going to get much worse before the inevitable divorce. 

Since the other man is large, she was conditioned to hard, intense vaginal orgasms. My suggestion (if you don't want to become her lap dog) would be to go down on her, insist on PIV and after you get yours, clip a clit stimulator on her, and give her the big one out of the box (with plenty of lube) until she begs you to stop.

Another scenario would be to use the big guy on her while you do down, and then do some anal since she is likely to be pretty gapped after the 8-9" plastic penis. 

Or both. Perhaps get a strap on that you wear higher than your actual penis, and stick yourself in her butt, while you put the plastic in her vagina. 

Unless you are okay with the demeaning sex, and the cuckhold... If you are, then I would suggest you eat your cream pie and get yourself fitted for a collar and leash.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Godot (Feb 21, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> If you are real, then it looks like most of your problem is in between your ears. It's probably not the size of you penis that is the issue, it's you not coming across as desirable to your wife.
> 
> The question I would be asking is this: Is it the large penis that she really craves or is it the sexual chemistry she had with the big d!cked dude that came across as a "bad boy"?
> 
> ...


I agree with this exactly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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