# OK I AM JUST GOING TO ASK! Censored!!



## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Ok sorry for being so blunt about this question, but I gotta Know. I have looked everywhere but Im not really getting the correct information or answeres..

I have read about the hysterical bonding right after D-day or R.. Either way there is a time were this occurs right?

Well what if this has never occured? After D-day nothing and now I am going true R and still nothing.

I understand when BS has issues of not being able to or wanting to, but what is up with the WS not wanting to?

Before the A it was great now poof its just all gone.. Its not me, yes I have been betrayed, yes I have been hurt.. But how in the heck am I supposed to heal if I am not having that bonding moments were I feel like I am the one he wants.. in ever sense! get what Im saying here?

I know he loves me and his coming out of the fog, but wth am I getting the short end of the stick here? Is there somthing I am missing here, somthing WS go thru because they had the A. BS do, I get that, but in my case its flip-flopped. No hysterical bonding here, but its not me who refrains? Sorry I couldnt hold it in no more I just had to ask, I searched and searched for this answer but it always showed results as, reasons BS not wanting to!!! So that doesnt help me any..:scratchhead:


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You certainly DO NOT SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WHO WAS CHEATED ON

He just had an A., and you wanna have sex----is that it---is that what your mge., IS ALL ABOUT

What I would wonder, is how do you look at a man who has cheated on you---DISRESPECTED YOU, MADE YOU OUT TO BE A FOOL, TREATED YOU AS IF YOU ARE NOTHING----and you are worried about having F'ing sex

Where is your self-respect-----or do you not look in the mirror?????


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Yeah, ummmmm OK?.. This is not my first post here. Been at this for over two years.. Not being rude, but before you give advice try to see at what stage a person is at.. I am not at the starting line of the A or D-day.. I am a little futher along than that in R... But thanks anyway for you advice..


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Ummm no on second thout, your post to me was rude as He**. If you really dont think sex is a part of bonding in a marriage and fully connecting on levels that is special along with emotional, then I dont really Know what to tell you.. Except, this is a legit question, and does have to do with marital R.....


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

All I can do when I answer is to respond to the facts you put down

If you are well along into your R, and you want love and affection from your H-----then you sit him down, and make him talk about why, he refuses

I don't know anything about your sitch---but if he was in a long A---then his lover may still be in his mind, and just maybe mentally he is hung up, about her, you, the mge.,---who knows

If it was a ONS, or something short-----then you need to talk to him again about why---he refuses sex, and you need to talk to him---about the future, as you need to let him know---you can't exist in a sexless mge

Few more details would be helpful to other posters----I did not mean to come at you as rude----I just have a problem with betrayed's who allow a cheater back with no consequences, or accountability----that's just me---everyone is different, and you will get lots of different answers----good luck to you in whatever happens, with your future.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> Ummm no on second thout, your post to me was rude as He**. If you really dont think sex is a part of bonding in a marriage and fully connecting on levels that is special along with emotional, then I dont really Know what to tell you.. Except, this is a legit question, and does have to do with marital R.....


Sorry tired. Your wayaward spouse may still be withdrawing from their fog and may feeling sexual. If this persists I think healing will be difficukt at best. Have you talked to hiom about your desires?


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

jnj express said:


> You certainly DO NOT SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WHO WAS CHEATED ON
> 
> He just had an A., and you wanna have sex----is that it---is that what your mge., IS ALL ABOUT
> 
> ...


Now.. I hope someone will come along and really give me some advice or perspective on this.. because this post to me was so un-called for.. And I do look in the mirror every single day of my life, and I can do it proudly!!!!! I guess your not an advocate of marital recovery huh????? Thats okay not eveyone has to be....


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

jnj express said:


> All I can do when I answer is to respond to the facts you put down
> 
> If you are well along into your R, and you want love and affection from your H-----then you sit him down, and make him talk about why, he refuses
> 
> ...


Sorry I lashed back out at you, I really thout you just didnt advocate marital recovery, and if anyone did than well you ripped them a new a**hole :rofl: Thanks for your advice.. I appreciate it.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Hysterical bonding usually happens in MOST cases, but not ALL. There is no guidelines, rules or law about the steps in recovering a marriage. Each case is different. Plus, you wrote it yourself, his still coming out of the fog. He's still conflicted. Therefore, he really isn't at the point where he's 100% truely remorseful yet, if he is at all. 

Give it time. Go to MC and see if that doesn't help reconnect if your trying to R.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

KanDo said:


> Sorry tired. Your wayaward spouse may still be withdrawing from their fog and may feeling sexual. If this persists I think healing will be difficukt at best. Have you talked to hiom about your desires?


I have tried to bring it up, but its an akward conversation to say the least.. I shouldn't feel like this, but I dont know what he is feeling either. So it makes it just feel so wrong to me.. I think you have a point about just coming out of the fog, that seemed to take forever. And I understand it takes time to come completley out. But the thing is, If I dont start bonding with him again, I am afraid there will come a time were I wont want to, does that sound bad of me to think like that? I mean I felt rejected for a long time, and it makes a person self esteem drop. And I am getting this rejected feeling again, like why on earth does he not want me, All of me! The A is over and we been working on our Marriage. But, this is one thing that is really bothering me. From before the A to now, there is such a huge diffrence in our relationship, which I know is normal. But do they ever really start to "want" you as before, or is it changed forever since he has experianced the excitment of a new lover???


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

It's either guilt or he's still emotionally bonded to the other woman.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Hysterical bonding usually happens in MOST cases, but not ALL. There is no guidelines, rules or law about the steps in recovering a marriage. Each case is different. Plus, you wrote it yourself, his still coming out of the fog. He's still conflicted. Therefore, he really isn't at the point where he's 100% truely remorseful yet, if he is at all.
> 
> Give it time. Go to MC and see if that doesn't help reconnect if your trying to R.


Good point, guess your right. In my heart, I know he isnt 100% out of the fog yet.. But he is coming out, I know this takes time.. I am just struggling myself, Its been a long time going thru this. And I just have my own fears and stuggles..


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Also, your desire to hystercally bond with your WH is nothing more than a subconious animalistic urge to reclaim what you believe is yours. clinging on to each other for dear life. Nothing more. So, if I were you, I wouldn't look at it as a way to feel wanted or desired and he shouldn't look at it as your way of forgiving him for what he's done.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Wish there was away for me to Know... If he is still emotionally connected to her, then why are we trying.. it should be me he is bonding with again..

If it is guilt, then would this not push him to make it up to me! Not make me feel like I want to second guess myself?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> Wish there was away for me to Know... If he is still emotionally connected to her, then why are we trying.. it should be me he is bonding with again..
> 
> If it is guilt, then would this not push him to make it up to me! Not make me feel like I want to second guess myself?


Well as you said, if you think he's still in the "fog", there still would be some connection between him/her. If it's guilt then I'm not sure if you'd be content with pity sex to be honest, but if that's what you need to feel loved again then you need to forcefully push this point through. He has to get it.

Ah the joy of infidelity


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Well, I was using hysterical bonding as an example. But in reality, thru this whole disgusting mess its been three times, and that it.. I was just thinking that since we are making progress, well I thout that other areas should progress to.. And as I said before, intimacy in a marriage is special and a powerful way to bond, emotionally, physically and mentally. which is why I guess I am having such a huge problem with it, I dont feel close to him, and as much as we are progressing.. Well that is lacking, so I dont have the bonding at that level.. I hope I am explaining this right way,, I know how I feel, but getting it out there in a way you all can understand well it just seems like I am not doing a very good job at it..

Its more about bonding, well sex would be great dont get me wrong, but I am lacking that part for me to feel close to him.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Complexity said:


> Well as you said, if you think he's still in the "fog", there still would be some connection between him/her. If it's guilt then I'm not sure if you'd be content with pity sex to be honest, but if that's what you need to feel loved again then you need to forcefully push this point through. He has to get it.
> 
> Ah the joy of infidelity


Ok, I guess I was taking the guilt part wrong, I was taking it that guilt keep him from it, like as, well he feels horrid, low, lower than a dog, digusted at himself for doing it, scum etc.. you get my point..
So he didnt want to because of his "guilt" Not pity sex.. but because he veiwed it diffrent now with me, like his the dirty low-life and has no right to touch me......

And I may be wrong, but him coming out of the fog but not 100%, well I was under the impression that yeah he may still have thouts of her from time to time.. but it isnt that overwhelming urge to be with her, more attention is on me.. Alot more.. I dont know Im getting confused myself now...


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Let me get this straight. He's cheated on you 3 times already? If this is the case, well...there's no wonder you don't feel close to him. AND there's no consequences to his actions. Sure, things are going well right now, but what happens when he gets a wandering eye again? He knows he can sleep with whoever he wants to and he knows you'll take him back. So, he's learned that he doesn't have to be remorseful. GUILTY but not remorseful.

The reason why you don't feel close to him is because your mind and your heart is protecting itself. You've built an emotional wall and he's on the other side of it. He's a serial cheater and in my opinion, that's where he belongs.....

You deserve better.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> Ok, I guess I was taking the guilt part wrong, I was taking it that guilt keep him from it, like as, well he feels horrid, low, lower than a dog, digusted at himself for doing it, scum etc.. you get my point..
> So he didnt want to because of his "guilt" Not pity sex.. but because he veiwed it diffrent now with me, like his the dirty low-life and has no right to touch me......
> 
> And I may be wrong, but him coming out of the fog but not 100%, well I was under the impression that yeah he may still have thouts of her from time to time.. but it isnt that overwhelming urge to be with her, more attention is on me.. Alot more.. I dont know Im getting confused myself now...


No I got what you meant. I was meaning the intimacy that you would get out of him in his guilty state would be forced out pity for all the pain he put you through, it's not out of love/desire because a guilty person in his circumstances would find it very hard to accept love after their betrayal (which you obviously have for him) and in turn express it to their spouse. He's not "worthy" in other words to be that intimate with you. If that's the case, then he must be truly remorseful for his actions.

Regarding the fog it's either he's still emotionally bonded (somewhat) or his having withdrawals to his former addiction. Eitherway the man has to be truthful about what he's feeling to put you out of this confusion and anguish.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Complexity said:


> No I got what you meant. I was meaning the intimacy that you would get out of him in his guilty state would be forced out pity for all the pain he put you through, it's not out of love/desire because a guilty person in his circumstances would find it very hard to accept love after their betrayal (which you obviously have for him) and in turn express it to their spouse. He's not "worthy" in other words to be that intimate with you. If that's the case, then he must be truly remorseful for his actions.
> 
> Regarding the fog it's either he's still emotionally bonded (somewhat) or his having withdrawals to his former addiction. Eitherway the man has to be truthful about what he's feeling to put you out of this confusion and anguish.


Phew.. I glad it came out right.. you put it in words that I was struggling to do.. And it makes sense.. Thanks


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Let me get this straight. He's cheated on you 3 times already? If this is the case, well...there's no wonder you don't feel close to him. AND there's no consequences to his actions. Sure, things are going well right now, but what happens when he gets a wandering eye again? He knows he can sleep with whoever he wants to and he knows you'll take him back. So, he's learned that he doesn't have to be remorseful. GUILTY but not remorseful.
> 
> The reason why you don't feel close to him is because your mind and your heart is protecting itself. You've built an emotional wall and he's on the other side of it. He's a serial cheater and in my opinion, that's where he belongs.....
> 
> You deserve better.


No, he hasnt cheated on me 3 times.. I ment it been over 2 years since this mess begin.. me and him have only been intimate 3 times.... No hysterical bonding here!!!! And I am young.. I got married way way way young... To be honest I shouldnt had gotten married so young, I dont know why my mom let me,, whole diffrent story there.. but been married for over 20 years.. And I am missing out on a big part in a person marriage and life..... Dont know how long this will continue.. I just hope not forever.......


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Just remember though, a person in his position should be bending backwards to make it up to you. Guilt or no guilt you're the one running the show now and he's has to give you whatever you need that makes you feel loved again. 

I can't stress this enough OP but you have to hammer this to him. The response you get out of him will give you a clearer indication of what he's really feeling whether it's guilt, withdrawal or just being a heartless pr!ck.

I wish you the best.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

So, "Eitherway the man has to be truthful about what he's feeling to put you out of this confusion and anguish."

Whats my move? Or do I just give it more time?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> So, "Eitherway the man has to be truthful about what he's feeling to put you out of this confusion and anguish."
> 
> Whats my move? Or do I just give it more time?


You know how to read your husband better than I can so you only can truly gage when to push and when to back off. 

In my honest opinion a guy in his position should following you around like a puppy obeying your every call and demand. You have to be stern and serious with him that his distance and ambiguity is not only hurting your reconciliation but you as his wife (for the following reasons.....) 

He has to understand what empathy means.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Thanks, I get what your saying.. But the weird thing is, he really isnt distant pysically most times, he freely kisses me, hugs me, holds me, text/calls from work.. Is with me ALOT.. the I love you freely flows, but the Intimate part is missing.. But you are right, the out of the fog talks have started, which is great, and I know alot more is to come... I was just so puzzeled about the no sex part.. Weird huh?? or at least I felt it is!


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> Thanks, I get what your saying.. But the weird thing is, he really isnt distant pysically most times, he freely kisses me, hugs me, holds me, text/calls from work.. Is with me ALOT.. the I love you freely flows, but the Intimate part is missing.. But you are right, the out of the fog talks have started, which is great, and I know alot more is to come... I was just so puzzeled about the no sex part.. Weird huh?? or at least I felt it is!


Well reading this gave me a lot more hope for your situation. Just give it more time, he's slowly coming around I guess.

It is strange though because it's usually the BS (especially men) who would have trouble with the intimacy part. Just keep bringing it up to him or if any time he rejects you remind him of what it does to you.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Complexity said:


> Well reading this gave me a lot more hope for your situation. Just give it more time, he's slowly coming around I guess.
> 
> It is strange though because it's usually the BS (especially men) who would have trouble with the intimacy part. Just keep bringing it up to him or if any time he rejects you remind him of what it does to you.


Thanks a lot for the help, really I was so lost on this, and researching it did not a bit of good, because as you said it is usually the BS who have troucble with the intamacy part, thats why I said it was flip-flopped, so any information I did pull up, it was about reasons why or help for the BS on this issue not the WS. I wanted to Know why my WS didnt want to. It not like I wanted to right away, no hysterical bonding here at all, it has taken me a long time to get to this point, but I do want to form that bond again.. Maybe its my "ego boost", who knows, All I know is that I dont want to feel rejected, and it feels like it is a part of redeveloping a personal closeness to him again... a bond, a connection..

You have given me alot to think about.... Thank you...


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> Thanks a lot for the help, really I was so lost on this, and researching it did not a bit of good, because as you said it is usually the BS who have troucble with the intamacy part, thats why I said it was flip-flopped, so any information I did pull up, it was about reasons why or help for the BS on this issue not the WS. I wanted to Know why my WS didnt want to. It not like I wanted to right away, no hysterical bonding here at all, it has taken me a long time to get to this point, but I do want to form that bond again.. Maybe its my "ego boost", who knows, All I know is that I dont want to feel rejected, and it feels like it is a part of redeveloping a personal closeness to him again... a bond, a connection..
> 
> You have given me alot to think about.... Thank you...


Hey no worries. 

I understand your confusion, it certainly is bizarre but I suppose you should take some comfort that he's showing you affection in other ways. Spontaneity shows genuineness in my opinion. The "cherry on top" will come inevitably but I guess patience is the best medicine. 

I know you might think I sound like a broken record but I really mean it when I say emphasis this to him, it's the only way he'll get it. Again, I wish you the best.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> Ok sorry for being so blunt about this question, but I gotta Know. I have looked everywhere but Im not really getting the correct information or answeres..
> 
> I have read about the hysterical bonding right after D-day or R.. Either way there is a time were this occurs right?
> 
> ...


you make it seem like everything in life has a pattern, like this hysterical bonding is supposed to happen... nothing is supposed to happen, nothing is pre-determined. If you want more intimacy with you husband voice your feelings to him (oh sorry did you do that yet- you didnt mention this in your post).

I want to ask you other questions regarding the R process you and your hubby are engaging in but your question squarely is about the bonding and sex, that is the best I can say about that.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Q: Why do I want to have sex with FWS? Submitted by Dlee 

A: Upon being confronted with the undeniable reality that their most trusted spouse has betrayed them with another, some BS's experience an overwhelming sexual desire for their wayward spouse. Many couples claim to have had the best, most intense and loving sex of their relationship during the period following the discovery of an affair, (generally a few weeks to several months), often trying new things and experimenting in ways they had never considered before. This phenomenon is termed "Hysterical Bonding. 

There is very little information on this phenomenon, but it appears to be a primal, instinctual way for the partners to reconnect and reclaim each other. While it may feel counter-intuitive to the BS; as if they are "rewarding" the WS for the affair, hysterical bonding can be a stepping stone to reconciliation. The intimacy encourages communication and a closeness that may otherwise take some time to re-build. 

*The occurrence or absence of hysterical bonding does not appear to be an indicator of successful reconciliation*. Many other factors, such as the WS's remorse and openness are far more reliable indicators. Hysterical bonding is, however, normal, and nothing for the BS to be alarmed about or ashamed about experiencing. In fact, it has been said it is the one positive in an otherwise long and miserable experience, so enjoy it while it lasts! 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Thanks that information is very helpful..


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Humble Pie said:


> you make it seem like everything in life has a pattern, like this hysterical bonding is supposed to happen... nothing is supposed to happen, nothing is pre-determined. If you want more intimacy with you husband voice your feelings to him (oh sorry did you do that yet- you didnt mention this in your post).
> 
> I want to ask you other questions regarding the R process you and your hubby are engaging in but your question squarely is about the bonding and sex, that is the best I can say about that.


Well, Im not talking about Everything in life.. I am talking about Affairs in life.. And in that fact, well it does seem to have a pattern. Does it not? 

Also, if you had read more posts somwhere down the ways there I said I used Hysterical bonding as an Example... And yes you are correct on this question I posted indeed it was squarley about the bonding and sex. At this moment that is one of the million things I have on my mind so I asked!!! And thank you for your input.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

And to answer you question about if I had talked to my husband about this, yes in one of the post in this thread just like the example of hysterical bonding, I did mention it. Its not about sex........ It is more to it to me than just sex....


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

If you find the hysterical bonding thread, not everyone experiences it. Probably about half.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> Now.. I hope someone will come along and really give me some advice or perspective on this.. because this post to me was so un-called for.. And I do look in the mirror every single day of my life, and I can do it proudly!!!!! I guess your not an advocate of marital recovery huh????? Thats okay not eveyone has to be....


I have asked my WH about this.... we are 4 months into R. At first when he came home (my situation is that he had an A while deployed, disgraceful...I know). Anyway. Yes there was this time of me being in complete shock. I did not know what to think. I found out about 10 days before he came home! OMG, what timing. Supposed to be a joyous- sex filled reunion. Ummm, well- yes, it did happen. I cried uncontrollably for hours after he came home. Then we did have sex, I was so confused. My situation is a little different than many, I know.

Well, when my shock wore off.....here I am even more confused. I want sex, NEED it really. BUT am disgusted by what happened. Desire to be with him, but when I had told him (in a few heated moments of rage after he came home and I found out more details)...that I was disgusted- I guess it caused him more shame and guilt and he felt undesirable. So he said he wants to have sex with me and making love is on his mind....he just does not want to trigger me. He does not want to make me resent him more. He feels guilt and is trying to show me in all other ways possible that he is committed to R. 

I hope this helps a little. Again he is gone for training and here I am with no sex. He has been gone 3 weeks and at this stage in R, it is VERY hard. 

Take care.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> ..... he feels horrid, low, lower than a dog, digusted at himself for doing it, scum etc.. you get my point..
> So he didnt want to because of his "guilt".....like his the dirty low-life and has no right to touch me......
> 
> And I may be wrong, but him coming out of the fog but not 100%, well I was under the impression that yeah he may still have thoughts of her from time to time.. but it isnt that overwhelming urge to be with her, more attention is on me....


I think...I may be wrong....that if he really felt so disgusted with himself as u say, he would be completely snapped out of the fog. And he would be completely dedicated to u and wanting to reclaim his place by YOUR side, which includes wanting to have sex at any opportunity. My man gave me stupid reasons for not wanting sex. He also said how disgusted he was with himself. I believe he carried on with her after DD. My man is a very good liar, and he is not good at truth. I have to look at the facts to get my answers, and not listen to his words. He refuses to be honest with me, now we are finished.

Whenever he didn't want sex with me, it is because he was having sex with her. Put yourself in your husbands shoes. If u didn't want sex with your wife, why would that be? Do u have children? Is he staying for the kids?

IMO I think he is still seeing her, and/or he is still missing her terribly, or, he just doesn't love u anymore. And if u have forgiven too easily (i don't know if u did) then that doesn't help with increasing the love and respect. In fact it damages it. It is difficult to love a 'doormat' (I don't know if u are one or not, just putting my thoughts out there)

Edit: I don't entirely agree with what I have written now that I have read more of your posts. After reading your post that said he was very loving, lots of 'I love you's' and so on, it seemed a lot more hopeful. It seems that maybe he is remorseful etc etc. Though in my post, my situation was very similar. My partner was very loving after I found out, he us very loving anyway bit it was always hot and cold, after DD it was much more consistent. But he wasn't honest with me about the whole situation I don't think.

Do you initiate sex? Could he be waiting for you to initiate due to feeling disgusted with himself? I think what newlife posts above is very interesting.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

not all people go thru the hysterical bonding stage


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I had your situation.
During false R we had the same amt of sex over the same amt of time. Or less. I'd bring it up and he'd say yea yea and nothing would happen.

All that time he was still in his EA and using porn and masturbation to tide him over. If you're sure he's in R and not getting some on the side, does he use porn? It's also addicting. My husband had sites on his phone and used inprivate browsing (I didn't know about keyloggers).

Since true R I insisted and initiated sex nearly every night. It is how many men express love to their wives (I know, illogical since other times it's just about the sex) but I knew I had to force the issue. Start with BJs and hand jobs they just lie there and no work. But it gets things going.

Now 8 weeks later for us he schedules our date nights in the morning so we are both looking forward to it.

Is he on any meds? Sorry if I missed something with my tiny screen. Antidepressants supress libido.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am a guy who is the BS. At the begininng of R it was tough for me emotionally but I needed it. My WS shut down. I then got mad and gave her a week to get the passion back. I said you can fu** a stranger and get all excited and here you are begging me to stay and you have nothing. I gave her a week. It came back.

BUT

The meds she started for depression took her sex drive away. I said before in posts that my wife can't fake it when she's not into it with me. Even with the meds she tried to keep things alive. But since i am only home on weekends I wanted sex several times and other then Friday nights when she was excited and wanted it, Saturday and Sundays were not as hot and sex was not in her mind. I get it as far as the meds are concerned, I had a similar reaction to a medication in the late 90's. It took my sex drive completely away. My wife was mad about me not wanting it. But I just forgot about sex because I had no desire. I changed medication and things became lively again.

So is he on medication?

I have not had sex in several weeks because I became so nasty that my wife said no more sex. I am hoping that I did enough this past week to changed things when I go home tonight for a long weekend. I don't blame her. I have been nasty for way too long.

Please take what I say next as a fellow BS'er. Not saying you are but look at yourself and see if you could be contributing to this. I was to blame for my WS shutting down. I kept blasting her for months and getting drunk. We who are in the BS camp need to look at ourselves as well. I did not want to do this. But since last week I have looked at my actions and made changes. In R we the BS'ers and the WS'ers (are those words? Lol), need to do hard work. I am just saying that sometimes we can become the issue.

Again, please take what I say next as an opinion. There is I think a lot of guilt in your hubby. He may not be able to relax. He may not be able to get his mind off of what he did to you. Talking frankly, he may in his mind go back to his A partner in his mind and have images. Those images may trigger a responce in him that when he gets aroused, he feels like he is cheating again and he is fighting those thoughts and images in his head and the only way to get rid of them is to shut down sexually. I don't know if this makes sense, I am not a WS, but if I was and I know about mind movies and the WS's were there, engaging in sex, saw the naked man or woman, those images don't go away quickly.

If porn is an issue and it takes away from him having sex with you then that is a serious issue.

Just some rambling thoughts.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Not to rub it in or anything, but the one silver lining in finding out the details last week is that we're back to HB.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I hear people attribute the phenomenon "hysterical bonding" to the psychology of "claiming" or "reclaiming" a spouse, I don’t believe it is. 

It's primarily physiological. People that have experienced it understand the pull is instinctive and has very little to do with psychology. I have experienced it many times in my life and reflected on it, it’s much deeper that psychology. People do need a “reason” it’s happening so they assign this caveman idea that they are claiming their mate, like they are pissing on their tree or something… lol.

I believe it’s a physiological drive to acquire equilibrium when certain emotional events have caused significant chemical imbalances in the brain. I can’t recall but I think it has a lot to do with cortisol (attributed to stress & fight/flight response?) and oxytocin (involved in bonding / trust). 

In my opinion, the line of thinking that it involves the psychology of claiming, reclaiming or conquering carries expectations and the baggage of being desired, which extends into the questions of being loved. Therefore, if it does not occur people tend to think "what's wrong with me/us?" "doesn't he/she want me?" particularly on the side of the LS that experiences the physiological "pull" and desire to hysterically bond, because that pull is very powerful.

But, I think it's strictly a biological/chemical thing. 

For the record… I’m not a doctor, but I stayed at a holiday inn last night. Lol.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

This is interesting stuff...hits home for me.

I am a BS as well. My STBXWW cheated on me for over 1 ½ years. It was emotional and physical. 

After several D days she supposedly let him go and said she wanted our marriage. She was the type of WW that did not want to talk about her affair and would only admit to what I found out for myself and was backed into a corner. I never saw much remorse. 

There was no HB with us either although I was craving her. I thought she may still be in the fog so I did not pressure her although I made my needs known to her. After about 4 months we started having sex again but it was not too often…once every couple of weeks. This was no where near the frequency we were at before her affair…or even during. I needed it to be much higher than that. 

So not only was the frequency much less then I desired but the intensity from her was low. Not much kissing or touching from her…it lacked true intimacy…mechanical. Some positions are much more intimate then others. She seemed to avoid these. I felt like I was trying to make love to her…and she was simply allowing me to do so. She was not making me feel desired. I consider kissing to be very intimate so this was a red flag. I do think that sex was her way of controlling the situation. She would give me just enough to keep me from divorcing her.

She would tell me that she loved me but usually after I said it first. As a man, I needed sex from her to feel close to her again. As a BS I needed sex as a form of reassurance that I was important and desirable. She seemed to resent my desire at times and even referred to it as "getting laid". 

As time went on the intimacy seemed to drop off even more. Then at about month 8, post D day #2, I started to get the "I don't know what I want" speech from her. I stopped pursuing her altogether. Her hugs and kisses pretty much stopped.

I began to assume that contact had resumed but she denied…of course. At the very least, she fell out of love with me after her affair and wouldn't put in the effort to really work on it...or didn't know how.

I intentionally began to withdraw from her for my own emotional sanity(180) and finally decided to file for divorce when I was distant enough emotionally.

Interestingly enough, when I gave her the divorce papers she wouldn't sign the receipt and refused to read them. They sat on her dresser for 1 ½ months. I had to withdraw the petition for D and re-file. This time she is being served.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> Good point, guess your right. In my heart, I know he isnt 100% out of the fog yet.. But he is coming out, I know this takes time.. I am just struggling myself, Its been a long time going thru this. And I just have my own fears and stuggles..


Most cheaters like 95% or more will cheat again cheating is not just an act of "oops my genitals feel into another persons" or in case of emotional affair planning to cheat basically and talking to another all the time.

Cheating shows corruption on all level's the behavior the people exhibit and the flaws in their personality is huge. Rarely do people truly ever turn over a new leaf (imo).


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

and where did you get that stat?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You should set up a 1-hour meeting once a week to talk about your progress. The rest of the week, you work on improving your marriage. Save your issues for that hour, and he won't mind answering them.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Goldmember357 said:


> Most cheaters like 95% or more will cheat again cheating is not just an act of "oops my genitals feel into another persons" or in case of emotional affair planning to cheat basically and talking to another all the time.
> 
> Cheating shows corruption on all level's the behavior the people exhibit and the flaws in their personality is huge. Rarely do people truly ever turn over a new leaf (imo).


I just got back on the site today, I still have alot to do today, full schedule.. So I will be back on here later today to, reply/answer the replies they are so important to me. And I want to say thanks for taking the time to help out.

But, this post, well before I go into the depth of the replies.. This post here shook me to the core! I had to post and ask if this is true? And if it is, then why am I even trying? Can someone please help me out on this now, whats the point if WS will never be true to me again?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I asked for his sources for that alone, I doubt that the number is that high and he just pulled out a number out of thin air

infidelity stats are notoriously bad anyways, no one is truthful in such polls


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

The saying "Once a cheat always a cheat" is a sentence I have way more than not since I found about the affair.. I guess this statment brought up that same feeling I get when I hear People say it.. DREAD...

I asked once on here if there were anyone on here that actually got thru this without a divorce and there were some. But I guess my fear is that even thou we "get" thru it, well will there be a time that I am truely happy, or will DREAD be a lifelong feeling.. Thats why I come here, to get help because if we do R, I want TR.. Not a cover up, but hey were still married kinda deal... Still makes you wonder about that saying, especially being a BS..


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

95% ? - Ohh hell noes. lol.

I subscribe to things being worse than any documented statistic because Infidelity stats are based on the premise that a cheater is telling the truth. That's a fundamental contridiction in and of itself. lol.

but 95% is WAYYYYYYYYY over the top.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

let me put it this way...


the reason i found infidelity message boards was because I googled something like "rate of recidivism of infidelity" because that was the one stat I really wanted to know. I was just entering my paranoia stage (about 7 months) and wanted some hard facts to either soothe my fears or let me know it was likely.

I never found any stats on the matter and I searched high and low 

I did find a nice site about infidelity and started posting there (not here)


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I hear people attribute the phenomenon "hysterical bonding" to the psychology of "claiming" or "reclaiming" a spouse, I don’t believe it is.....
> 
> 
> ....But, I think it's strictly a biological/chemical thing.


I disagree. It may well be a chemical thing too, but I feel it is emotional and it serves many needs within us. And it speaks volumes about the way a person feels about another. 

I have felt uneasy here and there throughout almost my entire 2 and half years with my man (I know this is not very long, and he was not my husband, but I was deeply in love and thought this man my soulmate...cheesy word, but true...and I thought we would be together forever. This man was my all and everything). I have desired him very much throughout our time together. After DD, I needed sex from him, confirmation of our love, of him loving me, to feel that bond and to strengthen it somewhat. There was a point some time after that I felt totally comfortable, that I felt like we were finally at a place of love and understanding and where I felt I had gotten over the betrayal. I felt like I was safe and in a long and committed relationship. When I finally felt like that, I did not feel the need to rip his clothes off at any opportunity. I was happy and contented. My constant need and desire for sex diminished. As soon as the uncertainty returned, so did my need for sex. It was like I needed a confirmation of his love to me. That bonding moment together. That he was mine and I was his. That he wanted and desired me. Sex and the desire for it says so much more to us and to the partner than just the basic physical act itself.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

......hmmm maybe what I wrote is all about chemical imbalances in the brain anyway. If there are feelings of uncertainty, worry, upset over circumstances, lying etc, maybe it is a need to create that equilibrium. Certainly I needed that emotional connection, I needed to feel wanted and loved. Feeling wanted and loved creates an equilibrium, an inner peace. Maybe it is some of both.....it usually is a bit of a lot of things IMO.


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## BlindSide (Sep 12, 2011)

Mine isn't hyper-bonding. In fact, he's acting like he's done nothing wrong. Then again, mine's probably in denial that it's really over. Yours might be too.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Most people stay together after a betrayal, up to 75% based upon the article below.

Divorce and Infidelity Article: Frequently Asked Questions, Cheating, Marriage

I can't find the website but a noted authority says that the chances of staying together increase with honesty, telling the BS what they need to know, showing remorse, etc and it increases upwards to 85% or higher. I posted this website and do have the time to find it.

I would not be working on R as readily if the results were dismal. Based upon what I have read and I read a hel* of a lot over the months, R is pretty high if both parties are working on it and are committed.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

When the WS is a man (and maybe the other way too, but I can only give my perspective as a man....although I'm not a WS) I would expect that any hysterical bonding that would occur would be driven primarily by the wife. That is, as a man, I would probably be feeling like I was unworthy and unwanted sexually and I wouldn't want to force myself on her (I would assume rejection without even asking). I would look at hysterical bonding as the way that the wife gives the WH back the ability to be in the driver's seat sexually. Like, ok you have permission to ask for sex again and as proof I'm going to make it absolutely clear....and the way I'm going to do that is by doing it a whole lot in a short period of time.

So, he may be waiting for you to give him "permission" to go for it. 3 times in 2 years seems a lot more like "getting your needs met" and less like "ok you have permission to act like we're back as a couple sexually".


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I did find a nice site about infidelity and started posting there (not here)


Traitor. 

Kidding. 

To the OP: some couples do have hysterical bonding. Some don't. There was someone on here awhile back who said they never experienced it with their spouse. They ended up divorcing.




Thorburn said:


> Most people stay together after a betrayal, up to 75% based upon the article below.


I don't necessarily believe the staying together rate is that high after infidelity. But those stats would never be right anyway because depending on what couples you polled at the time, the outcome/percentage would come out differently.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Remains said:


> I disagree. It may well be a chemical thing too, but I feel it is emotional and it serves many needs within us.


They are one & the same. Emotions illicit a chemical response in the brain which trigger behaviors. 

The extreme emotional stress of infidelity causes the brain to send various fight/flight chemicals (cortisol? etc..)... "Danger" signals. We all know how extreme the pain of infidelity is, therefore the chemical response to this pain is dramatic.

When a danger passes or the perceived threat is over, your brain initiates a reverse course of action that releases a different bevy of biochemicals throughout your body, those intitiate various behaviors (including hysterical bonding). Brain knows sex = oxytocin (bonding/well being chemical). Brain is attempting to bring you back into balance, It seeks "homeostasis". An equilibrium between the stimulating (good) and the tranquilizing (bad) chemical forces in your body.

Im sure there are lots of factors including some psychological ones, I only point these things out to (hopefully) show the person posting this (or anyone reading it that cares) not to think to much into the lack of Hysterical Bonding... I think it's primarily physiological, it's not about how someone feels about you... 

So... It happening or not happening Its not a "good sign" or "bad sign". 

Thats how I see it anyway.

2c.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Traitor.
> 
> Kidding.



I found TAM because of mod duties at the first site, so I guess I am TAD traitor but not a TAM traitor


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LOL. Thanks for clarifying!


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

Complexity said:


> It's either guilt or he's still emotionally bonded to the other woman.


I think it's also possible he's just done and wants out, and just doesn't know how. This may or may not fit your situation, OP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
Also, I do no believe "once a cheater always a cheater". If so then it follows that no one can ever change, so why does anyone even try? Nope, dont believe thAt. And this can be worked out if both want to.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> They are one & the same. Emotions illicit a chemical response in the brain which trigger behaviors.
> 
> The extreme emotional stress of infidelity causes the brain to send various fight/flight chemicals (cortisol? etc..)... "Danger" signals. We all know how extreme the pain of infidelity is, therefore the chemical response to this pain is dramatic.
> 
> ...


Got it,,, I think:scratchhead: confusing to understand, but it is somthing I want to grasp.. but the point that does stand out to me is'Brain knows sex = oxytocin (bonding/well being chemical). Brain is attempting to bring you back into balance, It seeks "homeostasis". An equilibrium between the stimulating (good) and the tranquilizing (bad) chemical forces in your body." 

I want to reconnect.. meaning bonding... As I stated, well it is all about sex for me.. I want that feeling I had before the affair, and well I dont have it, the talking, the communicating, the affection, all of it is a work in progress. It is there... but time time time, work work work.. that is clear to me that along road is ahead and none of it is going to be easy.. 

But for me, I NEED that bonding, and yes it has alot to do with sex, that connection above mental, is more emotional connection, the specialness of it, intamate.. private gental moments were I feel that I am physically as well as mentally and emotionally bonding with him.


The thing is... I dont even need or desire the HB sex.. I won't shun it but thats really not my main reason for posting.. I am trying to express the lack there of... 

To be honest, I got the feeling, nagging feeling that if I dont start to bond on that level with him soon.. then I am afraid I will never! Does this make sense? 

Maybe you are all right maybe he doesnt want to push me, or whatever.. But it is pushing me.. in the opposite direction!!! Maybe I am looking at it all wrong, I dont know. All I know is, I love him.. I want to work thru this, but I am questioning myself..my feelings.. I HAVE A GREAT need to BOND... I cant put this one on him, it is more about me and my feelings.. But then again, this is one thing I feel is falling short.. If this sounds Harsh, I am not meaning it to.. 

But to be completley honest.. I cant beleive I am about to say this... but here goes... I feel like I am reconnection with a good freind, a roomate.. Not my life partner, not the person who I feel in love with many moons ago and will share the rest of my life with.. And I think I feel like this because of the reasons I explained above.. Is the wrong? Now I wonder wth is wrong with me...


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Affection Intimacy is the "gravy" in the relationship; it is the loving, sweet, sensual, and sexual aspects of the relationship. It reminds us of what got us into the relationship and fed the love that grew early in the courtship.



make sense? Guess my fears are realated to my need to bond, and maybe this helps to explain my previous post. This was taken from the artical that was posted here earlier in this thread..

Divorce and Infidelity Article: Frequently Asked Questions, Cheating, Marriage


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

If there has been no sex since the affair ended(?) between the two of you, perhaps he is doing you a favor. Are you certain that he didn't acquire a social disease from his OW?


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

I am sure he hadn't caught anything, I had insisted on doctors help on this, both checked both cleared.......


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> I just got back on the site today, I still have alot to do today, full schedule.. So I will be back on here later today to, reply/answer the replies they are so important to me. And I want to say thanks for taking the time to help out.
> 
> But, this post, well before I go into the depth of the replies.. This post here shook me to the core! I had to post and ask if this is true? And if it is, then why am I even trying? Can someone please help me out on this now, whats the point if WS will never be true to me again?


The single most important person I've ever met online is a former WW. She has saved countless lives and changed many more. She is a GOOD person.

I know several other FWWs and FWHs who come to places like this and help others.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Well, I was drawn to your thread again.
Just spent a week with the kids, my sister, and my husband in a suite hotel room. So we didn't do it that whole stretch.
Came home yesterday and thought we'd have a chance to get together, but he was too tired.
So figured tonight would be great, had a relaxing evening, kids went to bed at a decent hour, we went to bed early. We started and then all of a sudden he wanted to discuss the pressure he feels about 'performing.' I sympathized and listened. I really did.
And then he started to drift off to sleep and it was clear nothing was going to happen and I wasn't tired so I came downstairs. He noticed and followed me and asked what I was doing. So I went back upstairs and laid down but again he's just falling asleep. I started to cry and say, we never have sex during the week, and you have to travel on business some, so when are we going to do it again? Who knows?

I think it's the affair that makes this all so painful. It's so hard to separate my anger and resentment and hurt over the affair and his loyalty to her that caused our sex life to tank for such a long time. I want things to hurry up and get "better" and I sometimes think they never will.

The main reason I'm writing is to share that I've just ordered The Sex-Starved Wife and Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It. People who read both liked the latter one better, it's written by a married couple and supposedly is more balanced.

My WS entered his EA because of how our relationship had deteriorated. He fully acknowledges that this doesn't excuse his behavior, but in two of our bedroom conversations I have started to suspect that his withholding sex (or lack of interest) has to do with anger issues toward me. I am starting to think that he is a huge conflict avoider--he has expressed displeasure (calmly) so much more specifically in the last few weeks compared to how he was before. But I think there's a lot of emotions and issues under the surface that he still isn't sharing with me, stuff that is not about the AP and all about the condition of our marriage before and during the affair.

We are about to start MC with an infidelity specialist and at times I've thought we didn't need it. Now of course I'm glad that I lined it up and I hope to get some more of this stuff out into the open. Anyhow, thought I'd mention the books to you, although I'm not very optimistic that they will help much...I will let you know.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Something to remember, really important, is that EACH of us naturally builds up a 'list' of resentments against the partner. And unless we have an amazingly honest relationship in which neither of us 'jabs' at the other when they tell us what we did wrong - which is our natural response, to defend ourselves - those lists start to take over our lives. 

The very best thing you can do is start talking in a safe environment with a promise to NOT jump to defend ourselves, but just to listen, and then go our separate ways and think about what the other person said, and be honest with ourselves if we really do those things.

They're called Love Busters at another site, and it has a questionnaire you can each fill out to share what those LBs are, so that you can start acknowledging them and then REMOVING them from your behavior. So that your partner can start to stop resenting you. (and vice versa)


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

turnera said:


> Something to remember, really important, is that EACH of us naturally builds up a 'list' of resentments against the partner. And unless we have an amazingly honest relationship in which neither of us 'jabs' at the other when they tell us what we did wrong - which is our natural response, to defend ourselves - those lists start to take over our lives.
> 
> The very best thing you can do is start talking in a safe environment with a promise to NOT jump to defend ourselves, but just to listen, and then go our separate ways and think about what the other person said, and be honest with ourselves if we really do those things.
> 
> They're called Love Busters at another site, and it has a questionnaire you can each fill out to share what those LBs are, so that you can start acknowledging them and then REMOVING them from your behavior. So that your partner can start to stop resenting you. (and vice versa)


This is great advice. The goal is complete and open honest communication. Its easy to say but hard to do for the reasons you stated. Morrigan and I still have arguments and disagreements all the time. But we had to learn to keep our natural defensiveness and anger in check in order to work through them. Also, keep in mind that there are some issues that will just never be solved. And that's okay too. Learning to live with some things is part of successful marriages. For instance, Morrigan has a cat that occasionally wakes me up at night. Its very annoying especially when I have work the next day. She won't confine the cat to another part of the house at night because she likes to cuddle with the cat sometimes at night. We've gone back and forth over this issue over and over with no resolution. Should I get rid of her cat? I could but she would resent me. Should she just tell me to suck it up and drop it? She could but I would resent her. So what we have done is when the cat wakes me up she does something extra special for me the next day for putting up with it.

Sometimes you just have to decide to let go of resentment. If you can't its an impediment to a happy marriage.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

airplane888 said:


> I do hope you will see that you also need to own up to your 50% of why the marriage is not working. I'm sure you understand that MC is about working on "YOUR" issues' and never about fixing the other partner.
> 
> And to think that MC is only infidelity specialist would be a poor reason to go, it's more important to find a MC whom has done their own work and know that it's about your issues and not your spouse!
> 
> airplane


Sorry if this is a hijack, but to answer:

No, MC would be for both of us. My IC says that I am one of the most self-aware people she has met with and I'm light years beyond where most of her patients are at this stage. But that's because I'm not at the "just discovered" phase; I've been dealing with all of this for over 4 years; 1 year in the dark, then DD#1, then 8 mos of MC with him still secretly in the EA and me and the MC oblivious; then finally DD#2 I discovered he had never left her so this has been going on for 4.5 years.

He has left her this time for good and is in NC, he is clearly in some remorse for what he did. The reason he has stayed is that I'm a totally changed person, he acknowledges this, and that it's been that way for a very long time now.

I will own 60% or even 70% of the state of our marriage when the EA started. I spent months trying to turn things around in the dark with him vehemently denying there was anyone else. I only discovered his EA on DD#1 by accident, he never confessed. Same thing 3 years later on DD#2, I discovered he was still in contact by accident, again he never confessed.

He does own up to the EA and admits there are no excuses for it.

The point of going to an infidelity-trained MC is that they are going to deal with our marriage as it is, with his having left the marriage for years body and soul.

turnera and Beowulf, I didn't mention it in my previous post but I did finally order Love Busters and His Needs / Her Needs. I had only recently finished Not Just Friends. I had tried to get my WS to fill out the Love Busters and His Needs questionnaires from the website but he has dragged his feet and there's never a good time.

I think my issue is that I'm not sure he will ever feel the same about me that he used to feel. I know that it's early days yet (9 weeks post DD#2 or so) but I am freshly reminded of years of rejections when something happens like last night.

I will start my own thread if I need to talk about this further, thanks everyone.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Hey, dont worry about posting on this thread. In fact it is helping me, It is more things for me to relate to and helps me to comprehend at some level.. 

Im not greedy, Ill share!!! just a little joke!!!!! sorry had to lightn the mood, Im having a bad day I gotta try to make myself giggle a little.. I am way down so even my lame attempt at a joke is lame!!!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> Hey, dont worry about posting on this thread. In fact it is helping me, It is more things for me to relate to and helps me to comprehend at some level..
> 
> Im not greedy, Ill share!!! just a little joke!!!!! sorry had to lightn the mood, Im having a bad day I gotta try to make myself giggle a little.. I am way down so even my lame attempt at a joke is lame!!!


 misery loves company, or something like that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> misery loves company, or something like that
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 That made me smile... Guess its true, but its not the misery, its the knowledge that Im not alone in this cruel world, and it isn't ME that the universe is out to get... 

Moments like this is what gives me courage and hope, when out of nowhere a smile imerges and its not fake, its not forced, it just feels better than how I Am feeling today.. Long story I will post more on that later..I gotta get my head staight or my heart, or both..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A common advice is to set aside one hour each week to talk about your relationship. Knowing that you will always have that hour, say on Sunday nights, allows you to not get so wound up the rest of the week; you'll have your day in court, kwim? Try doing that, and bring along the LB questionnaire one of those hours, and just sit there and fill them out together.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> let me put it this way...
> 
> 
> the reason i found infidelity message boards was because I googled something like "rate of recidivism of infidelity" because that was the one stat I really wanted to know.
> ...


I am wondering about the stages I have been seeing on some post, what are they and more to the point what does it have to do with try to R?

Oh I will be back here later to write more. But was reading my old post trying to figuer out some things. I am still in the same situation unfortuanitly, but some (NEW) twists to it sadly!!


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

jnj express said:


> You certainly DO NOT SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WHO WAS CHEATED ON
> 
> He just had an A., and you wanna have sex----is that it---is that what your mge., IS ALL ABOUT
> 
> ...


Dude, this is very close to the edge. You might think about toning it down . Remember, Civility and respect.


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