# I dont even know what to call it



## rsx-1000 (Jul 12, 2010)

ok so ive been married almost a year (aug) and ive been with my wife for almost 9 years. the issue that i have is that she has a friend who is a different man along with other men friends. she texts, calls, and even joined a bowling league with them. I on the other hand have had friends that are female over the years also, going back to high school. I have recently established contact with a good friend of mine that i had lost contact with, my wife found out and she went nuts. we had a all out fight over and she threatened to leave. I told her she could do whatever she wanted, and that she was being a hypocrite. ive told her before, not to 'hang out' with these other people either and all i get was 'oh stop hes just a friend' routine. am i crazy or WTF? she brings him into my house, cooks him dinner, buys him ****, and I'M the one that gets harassed for bill money? WTF should i do?


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## AmorousWarrior (Jul 6, 2010)

Has she always been more prone to having male friends? Is this behaviour typical? After 9 years I find it hard to imagine that she hasn't shown signs of this before. 
As far as the cooking him dinner and buying him things, that makes no sense. I can think of no valid reason as to why my wife would be cooking dinner and buying gifts for another man. Especially right in front of my face. That is a complete lack of respect. 

When did that come about? What happened in the past that makes her think that it is ok for her to behave in that manner? Is she doing this to get back at you for something you did? 

Sorry you're going through this, I know that it can be very hurtful to see your wife treating another man the way that you should be treated.


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## rsx-1000 (Jul 12, 2010)

Thank you for your reply, this guy was not around up until a year or so ago. He asked her to join a bowling league with him and then it all snowballed after that. At first i as ok with it, i am not a jealous type, but she just thinks that since they're friends, that its ok to do all these things. But then is it not ok for me to talk to my female friends? i remember she asked me if it was ok for them two to have dinner together, i said absolutely not and then i come to find out they went out anyway? since that point on i said i dont want him around yet she still keeps doing all this. I am pretty close to losing it on both of them to tell you the truth. i dont know what goes on in her head that makes her think its ok, besides the whole 'we are good friends' b/s. OH and another thing, he asked her to be his guest at his dads wedding, out of state, and she wants to stay overnight. how would you tackle that monster? haha...anyway thanks again for your reply and i look forward to any advise you may have.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

I'm sorry but I just have to laugh the "cooking him dinner". Like the above poster said this doesn't sound like it happened overnight. Why did you marry her? 9 years is an extremely long relationship. You had to know most of her quirks or the fact she has male friends. Anyway what you need to do is set boundaries. I never kept a lot of female friends that were close enough for me to have dinner with them and their husband so it's hard for me to give advice on the boundaries with opposite sex friends. I do know that my wife would not be cooking dinner for another man. That just seems so wrong.


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## rsx-1000 (Jul 12, 2010)

of course i knew she had one or two male friends, but they were not walking in the front door and getting dinner. this specific one just came about right before we got married. he wasnt invited to our wedding, he was never around up until a year or so ago. kind of caght me off guard and what bothers me is she defends her actions and she sees nothing wrong with it? but there is, correct? normal people do not do this kind of stuff?


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## Carron36 (Jun 2, 2010)

It's been my experience that when a partner reacts the way your wife did, it's because she's cheating. The idea that you may have a friendship with a woman pisses her off because she's pretended to have the same "friendships", all the while she's been cheating, emotionally and/or physically, hasn't been caught and now is faced with the real possibility you could do it too.
She may need the attention she gets from this group of male friends, feeds her oversized ego...or low self-esteem


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

Carron36 said:


> It's been my experience that when a partner reacts the way your wife did, it's because she's cheating. The idea that you may have a friendship with a woman pisses her off because she's pretended to have the same "friendships", all the while she's been cheating, emotionally and/or physically, hasn't been caught and now is faced with the real possibility you could do it too.
> She may need the attention she gets from this group of male friends, feeds her oversized ego...or low self-esteem


this sounds spot on. I've been dealing with the possibility that my wife was having an affair. Before I had proof, I had started spending more time with one of her friends because she was one of the only people I could talk to about our issues. She started getting upset about how much time i was spending with her and talking to her. I just found proof that my wife was in fact in an emotional affair. Flirting, talking about sex, lots of teasing. She was claiming he was a friend all along while she went out to dinner with him and watched movies at his place.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Carron36 said:


> It's been my experience that when a partner reacts the way your wife did, it's because she's cheating. The idea that you may have a friendship with a woman pisses her off because she's pretended to have the same "friendships", all the while she's been cheating, emotionally and/or physically, hasn't been caught and now is faced with the real possibility you could do it too.
> She may need the attention she gets from this group of male friends, feeds her oversized ego...or low self-esteem


:iagree::iagree:


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

When caught out or suspected some cheaters Deny, if that doesn’t work they Blame and if that doesn’t work they Minimise the affect on their spouse. These are the cheaters that are “testing out” a new relationship to make certain it’s what they want before they leave. Some even have the gall to do it right under our nose. It’s enough to drive a person crazy.

Other cheaters who’ve been caught out, those that want to stay and make amends, are open and honest and admit to their cheating. Of course some just don’t get caught.

I think you’re way past what’s tolerable.

Bob


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

Don't ever consider letting your wife go to another state with another man as his "wedding date". That is totally inappropriate. If she goes there against your wishes, she is basically telling you I have no respect for your feelings whatsoever. Does she really think that going on a date with another man is appropriate behavior?


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## LadyOfTheHouse (Jul 9, 2010)

I know what to call it: EMOTIONAL ADULTERY.

what's he got that you ain't got? probably nothing, but here's why she likes him: she spends her time having fun w/ him--bowling, hanging out, talking, etc. so her time with YOU pales in comparison. she's giving away the best aspects of herself--buying him stuff, cooking him dinner, conversing--so she doesn't have as much energy for YOU.

without giving her any ultimatums or APPEARING to be controlling (because if she's in this selfish mindframe, she's going to FIND A REASON to see you that way in order to justify continuing to hang out w/ this guy), step up your game and start planning stuff for YOU guys to do. keep her too busy w/ you to see him. 

and make sure you're fulfilling her need for attention, conversation, admiration, recreational companionship so she doesn't feel compelled to seek it from Jerkmonger.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

At the last minute, insist on going with her to the wedding.

Tell her that the idea of a wedding reminded you of the idea of WEDDING VOWS about faithfulness and love. would be nice to be reminded together regarding those ideas.

And go.

If it messes up her little party, so be it.

You might tell the schmuck she is "friends" with to back the eff off. Find himself an available woman. tell him he is intruding on your marriage. 

Even if they both react with denial, annoyance, and anger, at least you have given a clear signal.


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## Chet8625 (Jul 13, 2010)

Unfortunately I have to agree with the others.

It sounds like an emotional affair ready to step up to the next level.

I think what you need to do is to sit her down and say "You know how you feel about me contacting my old friend? Well I feel the same way about you and your friend. I think this has gone on long enough. If you want this marriage and relationship to last, you can't be giving me the appearance of being more interested in him than me. If you want to go to the wedding, that's fine. Your stuff will be in storage when you get home."


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

Why not offer to join the bowling league? Just a thought!


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## AmorousWarrior (Jul 6, 2010)

I don't know how this is going rsx-1000 but hopefully it has turned out to be ok for you. Honestly, there is no way in hell that my wife is going to bring another man into MY house to cook for him. That shows a complete lack of respect on both of their parts. I mean, really. First off, my wife doesn't cook for another man, outside of family obviously. And second of all, no man is going to come into my house and have MY wife wait on him while I suffer. 

What happened to the man code? Where is respect between men!
That's like me being a guest in your house and asking your wife to get me a beer. It doesn't work that way. I ask you and either you get it, tell me to get it myself, or ask her to get it for me. 

It boils down to respect and they are taking advantage of you. It's painfully obvious that she is interested in him as much more than a friend and you sir are being taken advantage of. 

I guess I'm a bit more brash than others. lol.


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## country boy (Apr 19, 2010)

RSX-1000, I feel for you man. My wife did the same thing this past year. Cooked dinner for him, went to his house, went on dinner dates with him and called him every day. Even planned and weekend getaway just like yours. Claimed they were just friends the whole time. Wait till you come home from work and he is setting in your recliner drinking your beer. That’s a real kick in the gut. 

Mine always had male friends also but she has an ego problem and must have lots of male attention. She was cheating and had a physical affair with him. This was mines second time to do this.

The best advice I can give is put your foot down and stop it now if it is not too late. I did this back in March of this year and we are still trying to see if we are going to work it out. 

One thing I have learned about my wife is her need for lots of male attention and she does not care where she gets it. I think this is why she cannot get along with women at all. I know she does not trust woman like she trust a man. My wife has 0 female friends. 

Good luck man you’re in a tough spot.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

If she goes to the wedding she will have sex with him if she hasn't already.

You need to absolutely stop that. Including threatening divorce if need be.


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