# So I made a mistake



## Latrinium (Sep 29, 2017)

I don't know exactly where in the forums I should be posting this so I apologize ahead of time if I'm in the wrong section but I'm pretty desperate. My ex messaged me and I replied, deleted it, but felt guilty so I told my significant other about it. She was ok with it but my ex reached out again a few days later and the second time around we held a conversation. It was a clean conversation and I felt like she was looking for closure so I kept it going. To be honest I enjoyed having a full conversation with someone for once in a long time. Neglected to bring it up since me and my lady were already dealing with a plethora of other problems. Needless to say she found out and now suspects me of having an affair. I wasn't and had no intention too.I love her but currently the trust is completely gone which I fear is going to drive a hard time in our relationship to its breaking point. I'd appreciate any advice on how to deal with this. I love this woman and I want to make this work but I've never dealt with this and not sure how to go from here.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Are you sure it was just one long convo that she found out about? Or did other things happened in the past that has created the place that your marriage is in now?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your ex is trying to get back into your life. Apologize to your wife. Be transparent. Give her all your passwords. Do not delete anything. Refrain from ever getting into the slippery slope of conversing with your ex. Go to a marriage counselor so that you can get your marriage back in a healthy direction.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Latrinium said:


> ..... Needless to say she found out and now suspects me of having an affair. I wasn't and had no intention too.I love her but currently the trust is completely gone which I fear is going to drive a hard time in our relationship to its breaking point. I'd appreciate any advice on how to deal with this. I love this woman and I want to make this work but I've never dealt with this and not sure how to go from here.


This is a trust issue and you need to rebuild her trust of you. Ask you wife what you can do to regain her trust. I would suggest marriage counseling if she has no suggestions. There is probably more to this than just one or two phone calls, at least in her mind.

Good luck.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Latrinium said:


> I don't know exactly where in the forums I should be posting this so I apologize ahead of time if I'm in the wrong section but I'm pretty desperate. My ex messaged me and I replied, deleted it, but felt guilty so I told my significant other about it. She was ok with it but my ex reached out again a few days later and the second time around we held a conversation. It was a clean conversation and I felt like she was looking for closure so I kept it going. To be honest I enjoyed having a full conversation with someone for once in a long time. Neglected to bring it up since me and my lady were already dealing with a plethora of other problems. Needless to say she found out and now suspects me of having an affair. I wasn't and had no intention too.I love her but currently the trust is completely gone which I fear is going to drive a hard time in our relationship to its breaking point. I'd appreciate any advice on how to deal with this. I love this woman and I want to make this work but I've never dealt with this and not sure how to go from here.


What other problems are you and your significant other dealing with?


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## Latrinium (Sep 29, 2017)

brooklynAnn said:


> Are you sure it was just one long convo that she found out about? Or did other things happened in the past that has created the place that your marriage is in now?


There was a small problem involving the same ex but this occurred prior to us even dating. At the time is seemed like there was an overlap but there wasn't. We worked that out and got over it smoothly.


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## Latrinium (Sep 29, 2017)

Roselyn said:


> Your ex is trying to get back into your life. Apologize to your wife. Be transparent. Give her all your passwords. Do not delete anything. Refrain from ever getting into the slippery slope of conversing with your ex. Go to a marriage counselor so that you can get your marriage back in a healthy direction.


She has access to everything in my life but one personal checking account. I've never tried to hide anything from her, even the conversation with the ex. Unfortunately a marriage counselor is out of our budget so we are left to work this out ourselves.


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## Latrinium (Sep 29, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> Latrinium said:
> 
> 
> > ..... Needless to say she found out and now suspects me of having an affair. I wasn't and had no intention too.I love her but currently the trust is completely gone which I fear is going to drive a hard time in our relationship to its breaking point. I'd appreciate any advice on how to deal with this. I love this woman and I want to make this work but I've never dealt with this and not sure how to go from here.
> ...


She assumes it's much worse than it is. Unfortunately it is very hard to prove innocence. Unfortunately counseling is out of our financial reach so we're left to work this out alone. Thanks for the luck.


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## Latrinium (Sep 29, 2017)

Steve1000 said:


> > What other problems are you and your significant other dealing with?
> 
> 
> I feel like we have a very bad communication problem. She's become very distant and upset with her personal life which I fee carries into our relationship. There's also an extreme lack of passion between us. I have spent months making every attempt possible to remedy these and our day to day problems but it doesn't seem to work. The few days prior to this ex text message exchange felt just as lonely and emotionally exhausting.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Latrinium said:


> She assumes it's much worse than it is. Unfortunately it is very hard to prove innocence. Unfortunately counseling is out of our financial reach so we're left to work this out alone. Thanks for the luck.


My local college had a program offering anyone on the planet 3 semesters of free counseling from someone who is learning. 

Just saying, people often say they can't afford something, but when you REALLY wanna work on yourself, you find a way, even if it's free.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

You need to look for an MC. There are various programs out there. Make an effort. 
When things starting going bad - I saw prices in the $120~250 range per session! But with research and ins. (on and off) we got both free and out of pocket options in the $40~60 range too.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

OS: Your ex is trying to break you up. She needs to go away.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

No woman wants an X in the mix. She's an X for a reason. 

Get your head out of your ass.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Whatever issues you are having with your current woman - that IS between you and her. NOT THE EX!!

Want to save your relationship. Block the X.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Latrinium said:


> I don't know exactly where in the forums I should be posting this so I apologize ahead of time if I'm in the wrong section but I'm pretty desperate. My ex messaged me and I replied, deleted it, but felt guilty so I told my significant other about it. She was ok with it but my ex reached out again a few days later and the second time around we held a conversation. It was a clean conversation and I felt like she was looking for closure so I kept it going. To be honest I enjoyed having a full conversation with someone for once in a long time. Neglected to bring it up since me and my lady were already dealing with a plethora of other problems. Needless to say she found out and now suspects me of having an affair. I wasn't and had no intention too.I love her but currently the trust is completely gone which I fear is going to drive a hard time in our relationship to its breaking point. I'd appreciate any advice on how to deal with this. I love this woman and I want to make this work but I've never dealt with this and not sure how to go from here.



I am sorry but I think you are lying to yourself.

You knew you were crossing a line engaging in a conversation with your ex like this regardless of its content. You were getting some ego kibbles on some level.

Of course your SO would be distrustful, you will have to SHOW her you can be trusted, talk is always cheap and in spite of you opening up the first time and talking about it, you still did it, why?

Maybe you realized what you stand to lose, because she is pursuing this, and she found out, not because you were honest, that is bad. Not knowing your SO, I am not sure if this is solvable. Trust is a huge building stone in any relationship, once trust is damaged or gone, it is very difficult to get it back.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Let's call a spade a spade.

You're not entirely satisfied with your gf so instead of addressing it or ending the relationship you're sniffing around your ex and playing dumb.

Exes are for cheaters too lazy to find someone new.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Latrinium said:


> My ex messaged me and I replied, deleted it, *but felt guilty so I told my significant other about it*.


Lat,

Is your SO your Wife or GF? It does matter. Regardless, it seems as if you are making X-Cuses.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

There should be no contact at all with your ex. Block her number.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Here's the thing...


She was distant and cool prior to all of this unfolding.

She was having doubts about your' marriage, this pushed her over the edge.

Or close to it.
..................................................................................

I think you may need to monitor her in the future.

Take an inventory of all her shoes.

When one pair is unaccounted for, look for her feet.

Check to see if they are in those shoes, running down the road.

Monitor her communications, too.

Ah, hah.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Emmeline (ex-wife post) wouldn't happen to be your wife, would she?


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## Latrinium (Sep 29, 2017)

hope4family said:


> Latrinium said:
> 
> 
> > She assumes it's much worse than it is. Unfortunately it is very hard to prove innocence. Unfortunately counseling is out of our financial reach so we're left to work this out alone. Thanks for the luck.
> ...


Thanks, never even thought of that. I'll look into it in my area.


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## Latrinium (Sep 29, 2017)

VladDracul said:


> Emmeline (ex-wife post) wouldn't happen to be your wife, would she?


No she isn't.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP,

100% transparency and completely cutting your X out of your life is the way you start to fix this. No blameshifting, no defensiveness, no excuses. Full and complete accountability for your actions.

Then you ask your wife how she wants you to fix it. Marriage counseling regardless of time or exspense would probably be helpful for your wife.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Latrinium said:


> I don't know exactly where in the forums I should be posting this so I apologize ahead of time if I'm in the wrong section but I'm pretty desperate. My ex messaged me and I replied, deleted it, but felt guilty so I told my significant other about it. She was ok with it but my ex reached out again a few days later and the second time around we held a conversation. It was a clean conversation and I felt like she was looking for closure so I kept it going. To be honest I enjoyed having a full conversation with someone for once in a long time. Neglected to bring it up since me and my lady were already dealing with a plethora of other problems. Needless to say she found out and now suspects me of having an affair. I wasn't and had no intention too.I love her but currently the trust is completely gone which I fear is going to drive a hard time in our relationship to its breaking point. I'd appreciate any advice on how to deal with this. I love this woman and I want to make this work but I've never dealt with this and not sure how to go from here.


Go no contact with your ex and book yourself a lie detector session, but allow your partner to set the questions.


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