# Marriage is perfect But sex has stopped



## Jeliro

We've been married nearly 20 years and have a teenage son. Sex was great up until about 3 years ago when it declined rapidly. Husband experienced some depression with his job but had since left and had a new job and is very happy. He has an active social life with lots of hobbies and is very loving and attentive towards me but absolutely not interested in sex. It has been 13 months or twice in 18 months. And sparse before that. I was very understanding at first when he wasn't feeling himself but he seems so happy with life now and has for about 6 months that I feel that his desires had just disappeared. I have gone from understanding to resentful with sadness and shame in between. I love him and our marriage is otherwise perfect really so the thought of just ending it makes me feel sick and anxious because it's not what I want. But I can't make him desires me either. We have talked about it so many times but he just gets annoyed with me. He has had problems with ED in the past and had pills for that which work but the problem is initial desire. I have gained weight since we stopped having sex so I know its not a physical attraction thing, well it wasn't before but probably is now. I'm actually at the point where I don't want to have sex with him now, if he tries to I would decline. Not that he would. I'm a fun and passionate person so I know I'm not boring, but can only assume he is now bored of me. He says he isn't /wasn't the lady time we spoke about it which was about 18 months ago, probably more. I think about it all of the time so it has really damaged my self esteem. I tried to end our marriage a few months ago but he really didn't want to and I don't want to either so didn't go through with it but we're only in our late 30s so I'm not ready to give up on sex yet, I love sex! He used to love sex! He nearly always instigated it.


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## Blondilocks

Then you don't have a perfect marriage. You have a perfect roommate situation.

18 months is a long time to walk around the elephant in the room. Have you considered marital counseling to discuss the issue? Have you considered snooping on him?


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## Jeliro

I have never snooped on him, he freely leaves his phone laying around so assume he has d nothing to hide but I could be wrong. We did discuss marriage counselling but he doesn't think we need it or that it could help. We are like roommates, that's exactly what we're like.


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## TJW

Jeliro said:


> We have talked about it so many times but he just gets annoyed with me.
> He has had problems with ED in the past and had pills for that which work but the problem is initial desire.
> I'm actually at the point where I don't want to have sex with him now, if he tries to I would decline. Not that he would.


Your husband needs to have a thorough work-up by a doctor who is experienced in treating sexual dysfunction. These docs are usually found among the Urology discipline.

The pills can become ineffective. Even if they're not ineffective, ED can bring on "self-fulfilling prophecy" which is physical in origin, but made complete by performance anxiety. The pills only work in the presence of the psychosexual component.

I don't think your weight gain has anything to do with it. But your attitude of being prepared to refuse, and not wanting
to have sex with him now, I can guarantee this is known to him, whether you have spoken it, or not. It's likely he believes you don't want sex with him because of ED, and he doesn't want to be viewed by you as "a failure". There is nothing, nothing, but nothing, we guys want to be in life more than our wife's "hero".

You need to put on something sexy, and more importantly than the clothes you wear, wear an attitude of "I want you...even if you fail, I still want what you can do", and seduce him.....and do not become weary in well-doing.....

I believe this attitude in you will go a long way toward getting him back into bed, and to a doctor. Positive reinforcement. After 20 years, you know what "works".


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## jlg07

I THINK that your H still has ED issues and I agree 100% with what @TJW suggested. ED can really mess up a guys head and he may NOT be instigating if he still has the issue.


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## Jeliro

TJW said:


> Your husband needs to have a thorough work-up by a doctor who is experienced in treating sexual dysfunction. These docs are usually found among the Urology discipline.
> 
> The pills can become ineffective. Even if they're not ineffective, ED can bring on "self-fulfilling prophecy" which is physical in origin, but made complete by performance anxiety. The pills only work in the presence of the psychosexual component.
> 
> I don't think your weight gain has anything to do with it. But your attitude of being prepared to refuse, and not wanting
> to have sex with him now, I can guarantee this is known to him, whether you have spoken it, or not. It's likely he believes you don't want sex with him because of ED, and he doesn't want to be viewed by you as "a failure". There is nothing, nothing, but nothing, we guys want to be in life more than our wife's "hero".
> 
> You need to put on something sexy, and more importantly than the clothes you wear, wear an attitude of "I want you...even if you fail, I still want what you can do", and seduce him.....and do not become weary in well-doing.....
> 
> I believe this attitude in you will go a long way toward getting him back into bed, and to a doctor. Positive reinforcement. After 20 years, you know what "works".


Thanks for your reply, I have done those things before we actually stopped having sex. I still dress nice, do my hair and make up. I have nice underwear and up until last year I would let him have a sneak peak by "accident" to see if I would get a reaction, but nothing. Towards the end he would only pleasure me and not let me pleasure him, I didn't like that. I believe it should be 50/50. I even suggested watching porn together or him watch it alone if it makes him feel awkward, I wasn't insecure then. I'm not an overly affectionate person but he is so I would make the effort to cuddle and kiss him but he always thought I was coming on to him so retreated. I can't win. He went to the doctors a few months ago for a check up and mentioned his low sex drive, he was diagnosed with mild type 2 diabetes which had given him low testosterone levels, this was a surprise because he is otherwise fit and well and doesn't fit the usual stereotype for diabetes type 2. He's on meds and stable but still no difference. His mood is better though and he is more relaxed.


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## Jeliro

jlg07 said:


> I THINK that your H still has ED issues and I agree 100% with what @TJW suggested. ED can really mess up a guys head and he may NOT be instigating if he still has the issue.


How can I help with this? I feel like there is nothing I can do.


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## Jeliro

TJW said:


> Your husband needs to have a thorough work-up by a doctor who is experienced in treating sexual dysfunction. These docs are usually found among the Urology discipline.
> 
> The pills can become ineffective. Even if they're not ineffective, ED can bring on "self-fulfilling prophecy" which is physical in origin, but made complete by performance anxiety. The pills only work in the presence of the psychosexual component.
> 
> I don't think your weight gain has anything to do with it. But your attitude of being prepared to refuse, and not wanting
> to have sex with him now, I can guarantee this is known to him, whether you have spoken it, or not. It's likely he believes you don't want sex with him because of ED, and he doesn't want to be viewed by you as "a failure". There is nothing, nothing, but nothing, we guys want to be in life more than our wife's "hero".
> 
> You need to put on something sexy, and more importantly than the clothes you wear, wear an attitude of "I want you...even if you fail, I still want what you can do", and seduce him.....and do not become weary in well-doing.....
> 
> I believe this attitude in you will go a long way toward getting him back into bed, and to a doctor. Positive reinforcement. After 20 years, you know what "works".


Oh and we only used the pills about 3 times.


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## jlg07

Jeliro said:


> How can I help with this? I feel like there is nothing I can do.


So, you say he is on meds -- is he on something for his low testosterone? OR just his diabetes. Diabetes CAN have a big effect with ED, so not really a surprise there.
The only thing you can do is be VERY understanding, don't pressure HIM to be, umm, UP for things. If HE wants to pleasure you, let him do that. You can try to reciprocate, but things may not last. You need to use the pills more than 3 times -- and he needs to take them like an hour before anything gets started up between you both.

Once ED gets into his head, it can be more of a psychological cause then a physical one. Somethat that DEF needs to be worked on. Maybe a sex therapist can help?


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## Jeliro

Needs are for his diabetes only. Dr said the testosterone will naturally increase once his diabetes is under control. We've only used pills 3 times because we have only had sex 3 times in over 2 years. I have been very understanding and there is zero pressure which is why I have not brought up the subject for 18 months. He went to the Dr's off of his own back and did not tell me until he was told he had diabetes. I haven't brought up the low testosterone or asked if he feels any different because I don't want to add any pressure or make him feel like he has to now perform. He isn't keen on therapists and I'm concerned that they will tell us that we have to have sex and that it'll just be pity sex and that would be awful. I want him to want to have sex. I don't know why I even posted this, we're probably beyond help really. We either continue as roommates or break each others hearts and divorce. I think I'll remove my post.


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## ConanHub

Blondilocks said:


> Then you don't have a perfect marriage. You have a perfect roommate situation.


Word for word my thoughts exactly.


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## In Absentia

He doesn't have a sex drive, doesn't feel the need for sex, he is happy. Your needs are not important to him. He doesn't want to make an effort for you. This is the sad reality and this is the man you are married to. You are in your late 30s... I would get out.


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## BluesPower

Some how i really don't think that you have ACTUALLY had an undisturbed, serious talk about this issue. 

And the thing that someone said about the pills becoming ineffective, while technically true, it is very rare that it happens. 

But the question remains, HAVE YOU HAD A SERIOUS TALK. Because if you are lying to yourself that you can live without sex, if you are a normal person, you cannot. Some can but i feel it lead to a sad and lonely life. 

You need to let him know that you don't want to divorce because of this, but if you have to, then you will. 

YOU NEED TO BE HONEST. Even if it hurts his feelings, because you cheating or divorcing him would hurt way more...


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## notmyjamie

I think it's time you had another talk with him about things. 18 months of ignoring a problem is not healthy for your marriage. Tell him what you've told us...how it makes you feel, how you're sad that he doesn't want you anymore, how you feel like he's being selfish in wanting to just ignore the problem. If he won't get any help that's the same as him telling you that your needs don't matter to him at all.

If he continues to ignore the problem then he is outright telling you that he doesn't care enough about you to work on the problem. I'd tell him that you don't want to stay married to someone who doesn't love you enough to care about your needs too.

The longer you ignore it, the worse the damage to your emotional health will get. I've been there, I got out and my life is so much the better for it. I'm now with someone who loves me and wants me and I'm healing more and more from the damage my exH inflicted on me. Standing next to someone who is supposed to want you and doesn't is so much worse than standing alone. 

I wish you good luck!


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## Affaircare

A conversation like this needs to take place:

"My darling hubby, I am 30-something years old and I am not willing to be done with sex. I am a sexual woman, and I intend to express my sexual desire with someone. I very much want that someone to be YOU, but every time I try to talk to you about this topic, you shut me down. I'm not controlling you--you are free to choose for yourself what you want--but I am going to be having sex. Would you like that to be with you? Shall we agree to a non-monogamous relationship? Or shall we divorce peacefully now?" 

You need to not only SAY this (or something like it in your own words) out loud, but also calmly and firmly back it up by doing it. Be short and to the point. Keep it simple. You are no longer willing to be celibate. You married him, and part of marriage is mutual sexuality. Does he choose to be in, to live non-monogamously, or let you go? 

Also, have a timeframe in mind, because most likely he'll stall...hem and haw...and kick the can down the road. He has X number of months to share his decision with you, or you will decide for yourself without his input (and most likely just divorce at that point). 

Finally, start looking NOW into your state's divorce laws, how your state divides assets and debts, etc. and begin to put into place what would benefit you if you did choose to divorce. Now I'm not necessarily saying "Plan to divorce now" but rather to inform yourself, and if in your informing you discover that you are in a poor position in one way or another, then work on correcting or fixing or strengthening that position for possible future requirements.


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## SpinyNorman

Is he on any depression meds?


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## jlg07

@Jeliro, I think the low T needs to be looked at separately from the Diabetes. I think that should be addressed in ADDITION to the diabetes, and not as an afterthought. IF the diabetes gets under control and his T level rises, then he can stop any treatments for low T, but I think he needs them NOW since this is directly affecting your marriage.


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## Jeliro

SpinyNorman said:


> Is he on any depression meds?


No, he was briefly last year but didn't like how they made him feel. It was a few weeks last summer, but nothing since.


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## Jeliro

jlg07 said:


> @Jeliro, I think the low T needs to be looked at separately from the Diabetes. I think that should be addressed in ADDITION to the diabetes, and not as an afterthought. IF the diabetes gets under control and his T level rises, then he can stop any treatments for low T, but I think he needs them NOW since this is directly affecting your marriage.


I will find the courage to mention this.


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## Jeliro

notmyjamie said:


> I think it's time you had another talk with him about things. 18 months of ignoring a problem is not healthy for your marriage. Tell him what you've told us...how it makes you feel, how you're sad that he doesn't want you anymore, how you feel like he's being selfish in wanting to just ignore the problem. If he won't get any help that's the same as him telling you that your needs don't matter to him at all.
> 
> If he continues to ignore the problem then he is outright telling you that he doesn't care enough about you to work on the problem. I'd tell him that you don't want to stay married to someone who doesn't love you enough to care about your needs too.
> 
> The longer you ignore it, the worse the damage to your emotional health will get. I've been there, I got out and my life is so much the better for it. I'm now with someone who loves me and wants me and I'm healing more and more from the damage my exH inflicted on me. Standing next to someone who is supposed to want you and doesn't is so much worse than standing alone.
> 
> I wish you good luck!


My emotional and mental health have really been affected by this. I feel my old self just slipping away. I will find the courage to speak with him again.


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## jlg07

Jeliro said:


> I will find the courage to mention this.


One quick thing -- This may be affecting MORE than just his sex drive -- there are a lot of benefits for his body to increase his T level -- look it up before discussing and try to hit on all the positives as WELL as your sex lives.
Just try to get across, without being agressive about it, that it IS affecting your marriage. You WANT that physical closeness -- it is NOT just sex, it is in fact intimacy.


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## Jeliro

jlg07 said:


> One quick thing -- This may be affecting MORE than just his sex drive -- there are a lot of benefits for his body to increase his T level -- look it up before discussing and try to hit on all the positives as WELL as your sex lives.
> Just try to get across, without being agressive about it, that it IS affecting your marriage. You WANT that physical closeness -- it is NOT just sex, it is in fact intimacy.


On, I will do this, thank you


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## WandaJ

Jeliro said:


> Dr said the testosterone will naturally increase once his diabetes is under control.


Is his diabetes under control. And even if so, has his testosteron naturally increased? It may not have happened, and he may need to supplement his testosteron.


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## TJW

Jeliro said:


> My emotional and mental health have really been affected by this. I feel my old self just slipping away. I will find the courage to speak with him again.


And, the place you can find "courage" is in your "old self" before your emotional and mental health got involved in this problem. You'll probably find a sexy nightie or two there also 

It is going to take practice. But every time you embrace the lie that this has anything to do with you at all, you must replace that lie with the TRUTH, that this is a problem IN YOUR HUSBAND. He may be contributing to his own problem by faulty belief, too. But you cannot change him, only yourself.

This is NOT YOU.


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## Jeliro

I've forgotten what it's like to feel sexy 🤔 being in isolation has exasperated my feelings I think without the distractions from work etc. I'll work on finding myself again. I don't expect him to notice me again but I do need to feel better. I'll work on that


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## BluesPower

Jeliro said:


> I've forgotten what it's like to feel sexy 🤔 being in isolation has exasperated my feelings I think without the distractions from work etc. I'll work on finding myself again. I don't expect him to notice me again but I do need to feel better. I'll work on that


Listen, you have every right to feel like you are sexy and desired by your husband. It may not happen immediately, during the current crisis, but you have every right to feel that way...

I don't think you answered my question about "Have you had the REAL SERIOUS talk about this is not working. And that it may lead to the end of your marriage?


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## Jeliro

BluesPower said:


> Listen, you have every right to feel like you are sexy and desired by your husband. It may not happen immediately, during the current crisis, but you have every right to feel that way...
> 
> I don't think you answered my question about "Have you had the REAL SERIOUS talk about this is not working. And that it may lead to the end of your marriage?


We had a serious talk about our marriage in general about 3 months ago, my intention was to end it but I couldn't go through with it because he wants us to get better. I didn't mention sex and neither did he but it is always the elephant in the room. Not much has changed since, as expected.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Jeliro said:


> Thanks for your reply, I have done those things before we actually stopped having sex. I still dress nice, do my hair and make up. I have nice underwear and up until last year I would let him have a sneak peak by "accident" to see if I would get a reaction, but nothing. Towards the end he would only pleasure me and not let me pleasure him, I didn't like that. I believe it should be 50/50. I even suggested watching porn together or him watch it alone if it makes him feel awkward, I wasn't insecure then. I'm not an overly affectionate person but he is so I would make the effort to cuddle and kiss him but he always thought I was coming on to him so retreated. I can't win. He went to the doctors a few months ago for a check up and mentioned his low sex drive, he was diagnosed with mild type 2 diabetes which had given him low testosterone levels, this was a surprise because he is otherwise fit and well and doesn't fit the usual stereotype for diabetes type 2. He's on meds and stable but still no difference. His mood is better though and he is more relaxed.


You're doing all the right things. It's my opinion your perseverance will win the day.

My comment, specifically, is - don't let him "sneak a peak" when you're undressed - walk around naked.

I'm serious about that. It's always a win win for you, and can be a win win with him.

For goodness sake you two have been married 20 years.

You should be able to walk around naked in your own house, with your own husband, anytime you want.

Because if not in your home, with him, who in the world are you able to do this stuff with? (barring improper actions like affairs etc).

I mean really, who can you speak sexually to, if not a spouse 

And after 20 years don't, really don't get hung up on any self esteem issues, or feel like it doesn't matter, because it does. 

Help him with clear communication about his health, help when asked, then don't dwell on it

*BE SEXUAL YOURSELF*

Openly walk around naked on purpose as you're getting ready in the morning, or any time at all.

Lay in bed naked listening to your favorite Alexa songs, when H is home especially if you're both just puttering around the house. 

Lose any preconceptions that "you shouldn't" do this or that.

The time is now. Be the person you want to be today and waiting to "when I get older I'll do this and that.

In everyone's life that future me has to morph into "I'm being the person I always wanted to be today" because the waiting for the right time to "do something" has arrived.

I'm just saying all this to hopefully motivate you into action.

First hand, these are all good things to do today.

You're not too heavy, you aren't "not enough".

All Hs like to see their W naked and sexual no matter what age. 

The H knows he's not 20yrs old any more either and has his own body issues but shouldn't with his W. This just to say he knows of his and yours "imperfections" don't worry about what you think are your own imperfections. 

He still wants to see you be a sexual being for him. 

And even if he's not attentive at first, still walk around naked for yourself, for your confidence. 

You can do it!


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## wilson

Jeliro said:


> We had a serious talk about our marriage in general about 3 months ago, my intention was to end it but I couldn't go through with it because he wants us to get better. I didn't mention sex and neither did he but it is always the elephant in the room. Not much has changed since, as expected.


Why wasn't the sex mentioned? That should really be the only thing discussed. Basically tell him "I want to be in a marriage with intimacy rather than live as roommates. I'll understand if you don't want to be intimate with me, but I'm not going to live the rest of my life as a roommate. If we can't work through this, it's better if we divorce." 

It's a sad fact that your situation is not all that uncommon. It's also almost impossible to fix if only you are doing the work to make it better. If you don't see significant self-motivation from him to work on this, then it's not really going to improve. If he doesn't care enough about you to address this, then it's not really a marriage worth saving.


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## BluesPower

Jeliro said:


> We had a serious talk about our marriage in general about 3 months ago, my intention was to end it but I couldn't go through with it because he wants us to get better. I didn't mention sex and neither did he but it is always the elephant in the room. Not much has changed since, as expected.


So you did not bring up sex because.... what... because that is too hard to talk about but you are thinking about ending the marriage????? 

Do you see how that sounds? It sounds like your DID NOT HAVE A SERIOUS HARD TALK... 

It sounds like you chickened out. Do you see how unfair that is. 

I assure you that he is in denial about what the lack of sex it doing to you... BUT you don't have the courage to actually talk to him about it. 

Sounds to me like you really don't want the marriage, so just end it. 

When the Virus issue is over just file for divorce. Because you clearly don't want the marriage or you would be honest with him, so just end it...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

If you'd still want to divorce even if the sex was great, that's a whole different story.

But I'm getting from you it's only the lack of sex?

Can you confirm?


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## Jeliro

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If you'd still want to divorce even if the sex was great, that's a whole different story.
> 
> But I'm getting from you it's only the lack of sex?
> 
> Can you confirm?


I can confirm. Our marriage would be perfect if we had a sex life.


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## Jeliro

BluesPower said:


> So you did not bring up sex because.... what... because that is too hard to talk about but you are thinking about ending the marriage?????
> 
> Do you see how that sounds? It sounds like your DID NOT HAVE A SERIOUS HARD TALK...
> 
> It sounds like you chickened out. Do you see how unfair that is.
> 
> I assure you that he is in denial about what the lack of sex it doing to you... BUT you don't have the courage to actually talk to him about it.
> 
> Sounds to me like you really don't want the marriage, so just end it.
> 
> When the Virus issue is over just file for divorce. Because you clearly don't want the marriage or you would be honest with him, so just end it...


Wow, that's harsh. I didn't mentioned it because "if you don't have sex with me I want a divorce!" is a ****ty thing to say to someone you love and care about. I want him to want it, not just service me too keep me happy. He KNOWS sex is an issue for us, I didn't need to mention it. It's always the elephant in the room. He needs to know that I value our whole relationship and not just the physical part of that will just be added pressure. We literally found out about the diabetes a few days after this talk, so I have supported him through the change in lifestyle and learning to control it with meds and I guess I hoped this was possibly one of the causes of his LD. It seems I was wrong, it's clearly more than that. If I simply wanted a divorce regardless then I would not have wasted my time posting on here. But thanks for your input.


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## Jeliro

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You're doing all the right things. It's my opinion your perseverance will win the day.
> 
> My comment, specifically, is - don't let him "sneak a peak" when you're undressed - walk around naked.
> 
> I'm serious about that. It's always a win win for you, and can be a win win with him.
> 
> For goodness sake you two have been married 20 years.
> 
> You should be able to walk around naked in your own house, with your own husband, anytime you want.
> 
> Because if not in your home, with him, who in the world are you able to do this stuff with? (barring improper actions like affairs etc).
> 
> I mean really, who can you speak sexually to, if not a spouse
> 
> And after 20 years don't, really don't get hung up on any self esteem issues, or feel like it doesn't matter, because it does.
> 
> Help him with clear communication about his health, help when asked, then don't dwell on it
> 
> *BE SEXUAL YOURSELF*
> 
> Openly walk around naked on purpose as you're getting ready in the morning, or any time at all.
> 
> Lay in bed naked listening to your favorite Alexa songs, when H is home especially if you're both just puttering around the house.
> 
> Lose any preconceptions that "you shouldn't" do this or that.
> 
> The time is now. Be the person you want to be today and waiting to "when I get older I'll do this and that.
> 
> In everyone's life that future me has to morph into "I'm being the person I always wanted to be today" because the waiting for the right time to "do something" has arrived.
> 
> I'm just saying all this to hopefully motivate you into action.
> 
> First hand, these are all good things to do today.
> 
> You're not too heavy, you aren't "not enough".
> 
> All Hs like to see their W naked and sexual no matter what age.
> 
> The H knows he's not 20yrs old any more either and has his own body issues but shouldn't with his W. This just to say he knows of his and yours "imperfections" don't worry about what you think are your own imperfections.
> 
> He still wants to see you be a sexual being for him.
> 
> And even if he's not attentive at first, still walk around naked for yourself, for your confidence.
> 
> You can do it!


I will try this, but it will be very hard. I get changed /dressed in the bathroom because it doesn't feel right undressing in front of him. But I agree with your comments, I will try to implement these changes in behaviour. Thank you!


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## BluesPower

Jeliro said:


> Wow, that's harsh. I didn't mentioned it because "if you don't have sex with me I want a divorce!" is a ****ty thing to say to someone you love and care about. I want him to want it, not just service me too keep me happy. He KNOWS sex is an issue for us, I didn't need to mention it. It's always the elephant in the room. He needs to know that I value our whole relationship and not just the physical part of that will just be added pressure. We literally found out about the diabetes a few days after this talk, so I have supported him through the change in lifestyle and learning to control it with meds and I guess I hoped this was possibly one of the causes of his LD. It seems I was wrong, it's clearly more than that. If I simply wanted a divorce regardless then I would not have wasted my time posting on here. But thanks for your input.


No, it really is not. Being honest sometimes calls for brutal, harsh honest. You don't have to be little him, you can be kind when you say it. But at some point you have to say it. 

Let me ask you a question, can you go without sex for the rest of your marriage? Would you be happy? 

I think you have to TRULY let him know that this is a serious issue at a higher level than you think, husband, we have got to fix this. 

Here is the thing, My Fiancé said the other day that she had "Hinted" about what ever the issue was. 

I looked at her and said, "Listen, you need to understand that I don't do "Hints". If you need something from me, or what something from me, you need to tell me. Men in general are bad a getting "hints". 

I am not trying to offend you or anyone, I am trying to let you know that sometimes men in general, in general are great at putting their heads in the sand and thinking that if they do not acknowledge the "this thing" is a problem, the it will go away. 

Lots of us do it. That is why a lot of men are blindsided when their wives file for divorce and she had been "hinting" for years that this or that was a problem... 

I am asking you to be COMPLETELY HONEST AND STRAIGHT FORWARD WITH HIM...


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## Jeliro

BluesPower said:


> No, it really is not. Being honest sometimes calls for brutal, harsh honest. You don't have to be little him, you can be kind when you say it. But at some point you have to say it.
> 
> Let me ask you a question, can you go without sex for the rest of your marriage? Would you be happy?
> 
> I think you have to TRULY let him know that this is a serious issue at a higher level than you think, husband, we have got to fix this.
> 
> Here is the thing, My Fiancé said the other day that she had "Hinted" about what ever the issue was.
> 
> I looked at her and said, "Listen, you need to understand that I don't do "Hints". If you need something from me, or what something from me, you need to tell me. Men in general are bad a getting "hints".
> 
> I am not trying to offend you or anyone, I am trying to let you know that sometimes men in general, in general are great at putting their heads in the sand and thinking that if they do not acknowledge the "this thing" is a problem, the it will go away.
> 
> Lots of us do it. That is why a lot of men are blindsided when their wives file for divorce and she had been "hinting" for years that this or that was a problem...
> 
> I am asking you to be COMPLETELY HONEST AND STRAIGHT FORWARD WITH HIM...


I have talked about it many times in the past and it never ends well. It seems to make him worse.

Reading some posts on here shows me that I am not alone which I needed to know. He won't do counselling and forcing him will not help either. I saw that someone recommended a book to read which is called "how to improve your marriage without talking about it". May sound daft to you but it had good reviews so I have ordered it, got nothing to lose and time on my hands right now.

If I can gain some understanding which may help then I will do what I can, I'm not ready to give up on him just yet. And no, I would not be happy to be celibate for the rest of my life and I don't intend to be. I have built a wall over the last year or so and this has made things worse, it's possible that I am not showing that I would welcome any advances from him, because I probably wouldn't atm.

I will take the advice above and open up in my body language and stop hiding from him and I will try to be warmer towards him. I'll read my book and try to understand him better and if all of that fails then I will talk about it.


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## BluesPower

Jeliro said:


> I have talked about it many times in the past and it never ends well. It seems to make him worse.
> 
> Reading some posts on here shows me that I am not alone which I needed to know. He won't do counselling and forcing him will not help either. I saw that someone recommended a book to read which is called "how to improve your marriage without talking about it". May sound daft to you but it had good reviews so I have ordered it, got nothing to lose and time on my hands right now.
> 
> If I can gain some understanding which may help then I will do what I can, I'm not ready to give up on him just yet. And no, I would not be happy to be celibate for the rest of my life and I don't intend to be. I have built a wall over the last year or so and this has made things worse, it's possible that I am not showing that I would welcome any advances from him, because I probably wouldn't atm.
> 
> I will take the advice above and open up in my body language and stop hiding from him and I will try to be warmer towards him. I'll read my book and try to understand him better and if all of that fails then I will talk about it.


All of this is valid, nothing wrong with it.

However, unless you have been a compete ***** to him, which honestly you sound like a super nice person, then why would he think you have a wall up. I don't know.

You know what, sometimes you have to have hard conversations with people you love, Wives, Husbands, kids, whoever... If he will not go to counseling what other choice do you have?????

If he shuts down, or gets angry, you can try again. Being really kind and gentle can help but not always. You cannot make people change if they don't want to. The only hope is to make them want to. And that is not always possible or easy.

Here is the thing, you love him, you want to help him if you can, then you may have to upset him some in order for him to take his head out of the sand.

That would hurt less than you having an affair or divorcing him, no matter how many times you "Tried to Talk" he will still be blind sighted.

I am not saying this is easy,


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## sokillme

Then your marriage ain't perfect. I personally believe is one person arbitrarily decides to withhold intimacy from the marriage the marriage is on a path towards death. It's like it's sick, eventually it will die.


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## Casual Observer

Jeliro said:


> Needs are for his diabetes only. Dr said the testosterone will naturally increase once his diabetes is under control. We've only used pills 3 times because we have only had sex 3 times in over 2 years. I have been very understanding and there is zero pressure which is why I have not brought up the subject for 18 months. He went to the Dr's off of his own back and did not tell me until he was told he had diabetes. I haven't brought up the low testosterone or asked if he feels any different because I don't want to add any pressure or make him feel like he has to now perform. He isn't keen on therapists and I'm concerned that they will tell us that we have to have sex and that it'll just be pity sex and that would be awful. I want him to want to have sex.* I don't know why I even posted this, we're probably beyond help really. We either continue as roommates or break each others hearts and divorce. I think I'll remove my post.*


I would encourage you to not remove your post, and to keep up the conversation and check back frequently. Why? Because this has been going on for some time but somehow not quite pushed all the way through to the finish. You may have an accountability issue. You've kind of gotten comfortable with the idea that nothing will change. You need to stop that. People here will definitely encourage you to change your mindset and not give up. 

If divorce is on the table, you've got nothing to lose by pushing hard for real answers and real solutions. We're here for you.


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## jlg07

Jeliro said:


> Wow, that's harsh. I didn't mentioned it because "if you don't have sex with me I want a divorce!" is a ****ty thing to say to someone you love and care about. I want him to want it, not just service me too keep me happy. He KNOWS sex is an issue for us, I didn't need to mention it. It's always the elephant in the room. He needs to know that I value our whole relationship and not just the physical part of that will just be added pressure. We literally found out about the diabetes a few days after this talk, so I have supported him through the change in lifestyle and learning to control it with meds and I guess I hoped this was possibly one of the causes of his LD. It seems I was wrong, it's clearly more than that. If I simply wanted a divorce regardless then I would not have wasted my time posting on here. But thanks for your input.


Jeliro, can I take a different viewpoint here?

I think YOU SHOULD be talking to him about sex -- it IS important to YOU and to your marriage. BUT I am NOT suggesting you need to be brutal about it -- quite the opposite ESPECIALLY if he is embarrassed about his ED.

You need to talk through it -- tell him to NOT be defensive - you need to be able to talk about this stuff in a marriage.
You both need to be able to discuss this in a calm, mutually-supportive way -- and NOT let him get defensive and you get frustrated. IF he gets defensive, just say, lets take a 10 minute break to calm down and the continue.

Oh, and for diabetes (if type 2) -- the BEST thing he can to is go lo-carb -- it works (I know!).


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## In Absentia

Just say to him that you miss your intimacy with him and that you don't know how long you can carry on like this... also, ask him to be 100% honest with you. Are things ever going to change? You need to know to make an informed decision.


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## Blondilocks

If you weren't in the habit of strutting around naked and wearing sexy lingerie when your sex life was good, doing so now could really make him feel pressured. Plus, it's just plain undignified to put on a dog and pony show to get laid. If that's all it took, then porn would fix it.

The man doesn't want to go to counseling and talk about it. You're so afraid of making him feel bad that you won't have that hard conversation. Have you considered that he shuts down and refuses counseling as a means to manipulate you into just shutting up?

Are you sure that his attentions haven't drifted elsewhere (in other words - another woman/man)?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Pressure him.

Just be comfortable in your own skin, and be your own sexual person. 

Would you rather slap him lightly across the face now to get his attention and convey one more clear time for him to understand your serious about intimacy or slug him hard in the jaw later to see if he'll straighten up?

The situation will only get worse with time.


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## In Absentia

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> The situation will only get worse with time.


Completely agree... also, if the husband starts having sex again, he will have to show a bit of enthusiasm in the bedroom... knowing that your partner is doing it for you is already a turn-off AND if the performance in bed is completely lacklustre, that's even more depressing...


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## Tilted 1

Jeliro said:


> . . If I simply wanted a divorce regardless then I would not have wasted my time posting on here.





Jeliro said:


> I'm not an overly affectionate person but he is so


Ok I see this in a different way. Firstly your not overly affectionate but it seems your personality is another. When your pushed in the slightest you become defensive and liquid, if and when you don't get others/ husband to see things your way.

The world comes to a stop and you defend yourself maybe this is the same thing your husband see's. But because he's nonconfrontational, he avoids the Talk. When we become so wrapped up into our own world, we can believe the world should bow down to to our wants and desires.

A open mind without going 180 and are all guilty of this from time to time. But you are the dominant one in the relationship. Change can come but it's not going to be instant, and I would also recommend reading....

The Five Love Languages
Book by Gary Chapman

This could help you and your spouse learn more about each other. *It could just be your love your husband the way YOU want to love him, and not the way HE needs to be loved*.


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## jimmyrich

Having left my 1st wife do to incompatible issues such as you describe which were making it IMPOSSIBLE to work out any of our differences, I decided that I'd rather go it alone than be stuck in a bitterly unhappy & even dangerous union with a mate who is now more like an ENEMY than a loving, respectful friend/partner. Its your life! If your mate won't work with you on the marriage WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE?? I bailed & never looked back! It's your life - don't waste what's left of it....


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## sunchild15

I am in the same situation. No sex or even sexual interactions for three years. Everything else seems fine and every time I have asked to discuss this in the past my wife seems to want to get off the subject. She is 52 and I am not sure if she is going through menopause or what. I have asked her to see a counselor, asked her to see a doctor ( she swears she feels great ) All else is great, and yes its now as if we are roommates. We get along as long as I leave her sleep. Every time I initiate and kiss we kiss and then its always some excuse or not the right time, she is tired or etc.

We are both healthy and again all is great as long as I do not get to close to her and leave her sleep on her side of the bed. It's a very difficult situation but she just keeps avoiding in and in the past, she would redirect the conversation back on me ... Lately, she just goes to sleep at night, and perhaps it's that age where she is tired and going through menopause.

I do not want to complain, I have gone out without her, take classes, judo and all she does not seem to care what I am doing or even if I am out doing my own thing. I actually do not want to argue or fight and yet the question because I am a highly sexual person and think about this all of the time.

Sure, many on here have an opinion. I miss sex, being close to her, and the passion we used to have. At times it's as if she is 52 going on 80, she has her routine, exercises, works, and lately, just get sucked into the fake news on her phone. Years back when I had conversations around this at times perhaps she was reactive she stated maybe she can not meet my needs, and even crazy remarks like maybe I should find someone else to have sex with and one time she asked if I wanted to date other people in which my answer was no, I want to date you...and perhaps at the time perhaps she did not know how to deal with it.

I have read lots of books, seen counselors myself and the hardest part is I do not want to convince her to do something she is not turned on by. How can I force her to shift or want to work on this if she seems content with her routine and feels all is fine and why would I want to force someone to want to work on this. Again the bizarre part is the fact that she avoids this, she is not looking or even thinking about anyone else sexually in fact 4-5 years back she admitted she does not even think about having sex with anyone else either that her libido just is not there.

So what do I do? I have always been loyal, I do not want to have to beg for my needs to be met or get a physical connection and it just does not seem a priority with her and again, why convince or plead to have her see someone if its not her idea? After all of this time, my imagination is wondering - what now? Maybe its saying listen: I am attempted to discuss finding solutions for what is not in our marriage that used to be there before and the last thing I want to do is convince you to want to connect with me. Years back you said that just because I am married to you does not entitle me to be intimate or having sex. Do you see any ways to restore the intimacy and physical connection we used to have and do you have any interest in working on this ? yes or no ? If its a no, I just need to know because I want to have a physical connection and I am a sexual being, and even though I had never thought I would ever have to have this conversation with you ... I am trying to find a solution for me wanting to have sex and intimacy in my life and even if that is finding an alternative solution if your not game to work on it with me. I just need to know so I can make plans for me to schedule a time for me to enjoy what I want in my life as well even if your not a part of that by your choice? 

I know times have changed and we live in a more modern world. I think I have been much more patient and understanding without and at this point I need to find a solution for what I want out of life too, even if my wife can not provide it for me. Because of all the non-activity, I just keep thinking about sex and it is quite frustrating for me. In the last 5 years is been about 4 times ( 3 years = 0) 2 years - 4 times. 

I am sure most of you will call me stupid or etc... I always have tried to do the right thing to be understanding and that has not worked, in fact around this topic, nothing works. As a family, friend - business partner all is great  it's just the passion is not there and she is not even being responsive to things...


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## In Absentia

sunchild15 said:


> I am in the same situation.


You are married to my wife...  It's a very difficult situation. My guess is that she's going through menopause and lost her libido. She never thinks about sex and she is happy not to have sex again, ever. My wife told me to have sex somewhere else and I replied the same way as you did. I only wanted sex with my wife.

The fact that she said that just because you are married you are not entitled to be intimate or having sex with her is a big red flag. Basically, you are stuffed. She doesn't really care about your needs and this is the person she is. If she really loved you, she would try and make you happy. But I guess she is not going to change her mind. She wants the marriage without the part she doesn't like.

Your options are limited. 
1) You can stay and get used to the no sex/intimacy situation. You can try and convince yourself it's ok. But deep down it will eat you up.
2) You can try a negotiate an open marriage. I never wanted that, personally. It's not me.
3) Divorce your wife. I think this will be the only solution on the long run. You are still fairly young.

Good luck!


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## sunchild15

It's so bizarre. What is more shocking is probably ok with her life right now. She does not even get jealous and whenever I am around she is so focused on her new business perhaps because she has a desire for her to achieve something on her own ... Its tough, the last thing I want to ever do is convince her to change.


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## Tdbo

Jeliro said:


> Wow, that's harsh. I didn't mentioned it because "if you don't have sex with me I want a divorce!" is a ****ty thing to say to someone you love and care about. I want him to want it, not just service me too keep me happy. He KNOWS sex is an issue for us, I didn't need to mention it. It's always the elephant in the room. He needs to know that I value our whole relationship and not just the physical part of that will just be added pressure. We literally found out about the diabetes a few days after this talk, so I have supported him through the change in lifestyle and learning to control it with meds and I guess I hoped this was possibly one of the causes of his LD. It seems I was wrong, it's clearly more than that. If I simply wanted a divorce regardless then I would not have wasted my time posting on here. But thanks for your input.


I'll comment on this because I was in the same boat with my wife FOR SEVEN YEARS. Had sex 3x during that period.
I won't go into my whole story, because it is posted here. The key is that while you don't want to be harsh, you need to be clear and direct.
My tact was almost exactly what Affaircare posted in an earlier post. I laid it out, dropped the mike, and let her ruminate on it for a couple of days. That Saturday, she took me into the BR and we had sex for the first time in years. Since that day, there has not been a week gone by that we have not had sex.
My advice (and what worked for me) is forget about the sex and focus on intimacy. In discussion(s) whenever I used the term "Sex," she shut down. Whenever I started talking about "Intimacy," she became much more receptive. Even though they are basically one and the same, sometimes the "S" word creates anxiety.
Focus on intimacy. If you do that, the sex will take care of itself.


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## In Absentia

Tdbo said:


> Since that day, there has not been a week gone by that we have not had sex.


My wife did that when I said I was divorcing her. We had sex twice a month for 10 years. It was enough for me. Only to discover it was all a lie. She did it to keep me there and don't split the family up with young children. Needless to say, when the last child was out of the house, sex stopped again.


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## Tdbo

In Absentia said:


> My wife did that when I said I was divorcing her. We had sex twice a month for 10 years. It was enough for me. Only to discover it was all a lie. She did it to keep me there and don't split the family up with young children. Needless to say, when the last child was out of the house, sex stopped again.


Certainly sorry to hear that.
In my case, I'm more hopeful.
Once we got "Back in the saddle" and accustomed to it again, it has taken off.
She has been apologetic about the way things were. There was a lot going on with her. Losing a job, weight gain, depression, menopause, etc. Even through all of that, she demonstrated her love through a variety of ways, just no sex.
When I had the talk, she truly had the crap scared out of her. At one point, she turned white as a sheet and responded "Our marriage is in trouble," something she had never said before. She later commented that she knew that I was in "The Mode." She explained that she knows that when I am in that place that it is no BS and I will do exactly what I say I am going to do. So, she knew the situation was dire and urgent.
The last fifteen months since this happened has been radically different. Things have returned almost to the state that they were when we were dating 28 years ago. She is well aware that this is a lifestyle change as well. I have lost 60 lbs, she has lost 50, and we have a Gym membership (and we were going before the lockdown.)
I've made it clear that I'm not going back to the way things were, and she can follow or not.
So far so good.


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## In Absentia

Tdbo said:


> Certainly sorry to hear that.
> In my case, I'm more hopeful.
> Once we got "Back in the saddle" and accustomed to it again, it has taken off.
> She has been apologetic about the way things were. There was a lot going on with her. Losing a job, weight gain, depression, menopause, etc. Even through all of that, she demonstrated her love through a variety of ways, just no sex.
> When I had the talk, she truly had the crap scared out of her. At one point, she turned white as a sheet and responded "Our marriage is in trouble," something she had never said before. She later commented that she knew that I was in "The Mode." She explained that she knows that when I am in that place that it is no BS and I will do exactly what I say I am going to do. So, she knew the situation was dire and urgent.
> The last fifteen months since this happened has been radically different. Things have returned almost to the state that they were when we were dating 28 years ago. She is well aware that this is a lifestyle change as well. I have lost 60 lbs, she has lost 50, and we have a Gym membership (and we were going before the lockdown.)
> I've made it clear that I'm not going back to the way things were, and she can follow or not.
> So far so good.


I'm glad to hear that and I'm happy for you. I guess we disconnected, but I thought we were still ok, since she would tell me she loved me after sex. I was really taken aback and shocked. The thing is, I think she still does love me, but she'd rather lose me that having sex again. It's a bit of a mystery, but she does have mental issues. Not a lot I can do about it, especially now that I'm trapped here because of Covid-19.


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## sunchild15

Tdbo said:


> I'll comment on this because I was in the same boat with my wife FOR SEVEN YEARS. Had sex 3x during that period.
> I won't go into my whole story, because it is posted here. The key is that while you don't want to be harsh, you need to be clear and direct.
> My tact was almost exactly what Affaircare posted in an earlier post. I laid it out, dropped the mike, and let her ruminate on it for a couple of days. That Saturday, she took me into the BR and we had sex for the first time in years. Since that day, there has not been a week gone by that we have not had sex.
> My advice (and what worked for me) is to forget about sex and focus on intimacy. In the discussion(s) whenever I used the term "Sex," she shut down. Whenever I started talking about "Intimacy," she became much more receptive. Even though they are basically one and the same, sometimes the "S" word creates anxiety.
> Focus on intimacy. If you do that, the sex will take care of itself.


I have used intimacy and connection for years. She would then say, what do you mean? You mean sex? all you care about is SEX! Then she would throw that out there to make me feel bad or at least that was my perception. When your wife says - if we had sex three times per week - you would not have any issues at all and you would think that everything is fine. I literally feel she knows what I want - so, therefore, why give it to me, and then at times in the past she would say - what about her if she has sex with me ... I feel like there is this ****ed up game going on subconsciously, to be honest. I feel we got past that and then it went into this mode once her two parents passed within a year, then it became she doesn't feel connected. She feels connected to me when she needs me to help her with her business, run an errand or pay all of the bills - yet she does not feel connected enough to want to understand what I am asking for the US to work on ... I do not know if this is intentional as she mainly spends lots of her time now on her new business and taking care of what she needs to, honestly - I do not feel there is any energy left for anything after she does all of that, most of the time the response is - can't I just spend some time by myself ...It is getting to me I mean if you tell someone over and over how you feel and they ignore it - have I not communicated this multiple times, is it my responsibility if she ignores my requests and discussions?


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## In Absentia

sunchild15 said:


> have I not communicated this multiple times, is it my responsibility if she ignores my requests and discussions?


It's definitely NOT your responsibility. I think you will have to sit her down and have a serious conversation and "drop the D bomb" to wake her up, if necessary. But be prepared to follow through...


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## GoneDoggy

New here but have read quite a few threads on this topic. I’ve been struggling with this problem for awhile now.
I’m 62, husband is 65. Married 40 yrs. 
He was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes about 3 yrs ago. Has been on ever increasing meds. Now has a once a month injection. He’s active (tennis, kayaking, biking, plus lots of heavy yard work) Met at a college renown for alcohol abuse. For yrs we’d go out drinking socially. Daily. Always just beer. Psychiatrist made me see I self-medicated due to bipolar. Quit. Sober 15 yrs. His doc told him hard liquor was okay - low carbs. He drinks a lot. Daily. Won’t admit he’s got a problem, gets angry when I push.
I’ve had a string of med issues from hysterectomy & sudden menopause at 46, surgeries - 3 knee, recent knee replacement - gone bad, and 4 yrs ago - sepsis/MRSA in blood, muscles & bones of spine. Wks in ICU, mo in nursing home, mos of IV meds he had to give, spine stabilization surgery. 13 yrs ago diagnosed bipolar- 4+ diff drugs. No libido. We still had sex 2-3x a week but quick, plain. 
Whatever the reason, my libido is back. But even with pills, ED remains. 4-5x wk he gives me ‘erotic massage’ and I give him oral (quick & often only achieves weak erection). This does not do it for me. 
He’s got ridiculously low chol, tho has BP higher than optimal (150/100 area). 
He hasn’t tried daily Cialis, just 2x a week. Nope. Viagra-too brief. 
Before hyster/BPD drugs we had daily or more sex life. But for last 15 yrs our libidos have rarely synched. 
I don’t want to go like this the rest of my life but I’m at a loss. He’s never liked giving oral. We’ve never needed toys. Would watching porn together help maybe? Doc has given him testosterone med.
We’ve talked, he’s open to try anything (but surgery, Caverject, Both agree sex surrogates are out.)
Help!!


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## MovingForward

Jeliro said:


> I will find the courage to mention this.


Low T causes this, I am in the same situation currently and it is humiliating and difficult to deal with, I lost all energy, motivation and libido over the last 12 months. Been for a bunch of blood tests and my Testosterone is lower than an 80 year olds and I am not even 40 yet, not sure what is causing it but I am just about to start treatment and hoping it helps fast, I am still extremely attracted to my Wife(married this weekend) but have been having a difficult time sexually.


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## Divinely Favored

MovingForward said:


> Low T causes this, I am in the same situation currently and it is humiliating and difficult to deal with, I lost all energy, motivation and libido over the last 12 months. Been for a bunch of blood tests and my Testosterone is lower than an 80 year olds and I am not even 40 yet, not sure what is causing it but I am just about to start treatment and hoping it helps fast, I am still extremely attracted to my Wife(married this weekend) but have been having a difficult time sexually.


I started injections at 37. Dr said men feel best with T level between 1000-1100. Mine was 223. I was a emotional and sexual zombie that could not stay awake. I now take .5ml 2x a week and am good to go. Many of the sexual disfunctions men and women have could be changed with HRT. But if they refuse to do anything about it then it proves that you or your needs are not important to them. There were times when my T levels were off that i was having ED issues. Guys and galls, you have to get off their azz and do something. Go to a urologist or Dr that deals with hormones. Do not take your PCP/Gyn word that it is not needed or you are in normal range. I keep copies of my yearly hormone labs to watch levels.


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## ABHale

This reminds me of Comer’s story. His wife stopped having sex because she didn’t want to cheat on her affair partner. Even though the affair had been over with for years.


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## BluesPower

ABHale said:


> This reminds me of Comer’s story. His wife stopped having sex because she didn’t want to cheat on her affair partner. Even though the affair had been over with for years.


I think she would not have sex with him because she knew she had an STD FROM her affair. 

Either way, too bad for her. He moved on well and it super happy...


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## Talker67

i simply do not believe that a marriage can be "perfect" if "the sex has stopped"
those two are mutually exclusive


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## DesertRat1978

First question I would ask is if he has any desire for anybody. If he looks at porn or pleasures himself then there is something that needs investigating. If he has zero desire for anybody and never engages in these activities then it is either a testosterone deficiency or something that lowers his energy levels (mental or physical). Wife and I have had lengthy dry spells. At first, it was her. Now, it is me. After a day of work, being the lead co-parent, cleaning, etc. I have nothing left for anybody.


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## MattMatt

@Jeliro how is it going? Any updates on your situation?


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## Casual Observer

Talker67 said:


> i simply do not believe that a marriage can be "perfect" if "the sex has stopped"
> those two are mutually exclusive


it is a question that needs to be asked separately of each person, to see if they answer the same. And then asked again while referencing the fact that it’s a sexless marriage. If all 4 answers are yes, we’ll then maybe, for them, it is. I’ll bet that’s rare.


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## ciuleandra

maybe not as perfect as you think...sex is a way to relief the energy that fills you. I would say firstly work on affection and sex will come as a great bonus. We did the same


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## Johnny Mac

Jeliro said:


> We've been married nearly 20 years and have a teenage son. Sex was great up until about 3 years ago when it declined rapidly. Husband experienced some depression with his job but had since left and had a new job and is very happy. He has an active social life with lots of hobbies and is very loving and attentive towards me but absolutely not interested in sex. It has been 13 months or twice in 18 months. And sparse before that. I was very understanding at first when he wasn't feeling himself but he seems so happy with life now and has for about 6 months that I feel that his desires had just disappeared. I have gone from understanding to resentful with sadness and shame in between. I love him and our marriage is otherwise perfect really so the thought of just ending it makes me feel sick and anxious because it's not what I want. But I can't make him desires me either. We have talked about it so many times but he just gets annoyed with me. He has had problems with ED in the past and had pills for that which work but the problem is initial desire. I have gained weight since we stopped having sex so I know its not a physical attraction thing, well it wasn't before but probably is now. I'm actually at the point where I don't want to have sex with him now, if he tries to I would decline. Not that he would. I'm a fun and passionate person so I know I'm not boring, but can only assume he is now bored of me. He says he isn't /wasn't the lady time we spoke about it which was about 18 months ago, probably more. I think about it all of the time so it has really damaged my self esteem. I tried to end our marriage a few months ago but he really didn't want to and I don't want to either so didn't go through with it but we're only in our late 30s so I'm not ready to give up on sex yet, I love sex! He used to love sex! He nearly always instigated it.


Wow, just switch genders and we’re in the same exact situation...I need advice too


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## Rebecca327

Omg! I just posted the exact same thing!!! Girl, we need to lean on each other! This is hard!!


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## MattMatt

This is an old thread. As a result it's now closed to further replies. However, anyone with similar issues is welcome to start their own thread.


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