# Great marriage, poor sex life.



## Swatson81 (Feb 26, 2016)

I have been with my wife since my sophomore year in high school. We have both only been with each other. Our sex life has never been great, but it has steadily declined since we got married (we are 38, been married for 15 years). I have a very strong sex drive and obviously my wife does not. We are only having sex maybe once every other month. She is my best friend and we are very happy together, but the lack of sexual contact has bothered me for a long time. I made the comment to her that I feel closer to her when we have sex and she said she didn't feel that way at all. She also has no interest in trying new things, so I'm at a loss on what to do.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

The path to turning things around is somewhat counterintuitive. Most people would begin by telling you to communicate that you need sex and then to try to do what ever it takes to make her receptive. Those two things will only make you look like less of a man and less desirable. 

Start by telling her she is desirable and that you want her to know that and for her to feel loved. Be confident, allow her to reject you, but stay confident. This will let her see you are emotionally strong. Ask her to touch you sexually and tell her that you will respect her and not touch her unless she wants you to. Compliment her on how wonderful it feels and do whatever it takes to build her confidence touching you. Make it easy for her and do not complain. Try to get her to associate your desire for her as a compliment. 

Be patient, don't expect her to want to be touched or to try to get herself aroused, but do expect to be held and touched if you ask for it. Allow her to respond however she wants and listen to her and respect her feelings during this process. 

Good luck,
Badsanta


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I think you need to step back. She needs to understand a decent sex life is part of a marriage. Come in a little late, get some new clothes, start working out, and try to get her to change her attitude towards you. 

A husband cannot say, by the way I cheat with my secretary and neighbor a couple of times a month but otherwise I am a great husband in a good marriage, and a wife cannot say no sex and there is a normal good marriage. Look to have a fight on something else and then the subject should be discussed. The worst thing is to pester her for sex, then discuss it, and she says, it's not you, its me, I am sorry, now that we have that out of the way, we need a new kitchen and maybe you can work a little more so I can get a nicer house. 

She needs to know a decent sex life is a normal part of life. If you are doing something wrong or that could be better, she can tell you, but this needs to be addressed.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Swatson81 said:


> She is my best friend and we are very happy together


As long as she's up on that pedestal, you can't really be helped. When it get's bad enough that you're willing to destabilize, let us know. There are plenty here who can tell you how to do it. All the nice guy tactics, communication and complaining will just prolong it.


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## Swatson81 (Feb 26, 2016)

Thanks for everyone's responses...I have a lot to think about.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

OliviaG said:


> *There are lots of good threads here from people in sexless marriages - maybe you can find one or two that you think explain how you feel and print them off for her. Tell her you love her and you want her to understand this basic need of yours because you want to keep your marriage strong and healthy*.


 @Swatson81 said: "We are only having sex maybe once every other month."... this is only 6 times a year.. a Sex therapist will tell you 10 or less times a year is considered a sexless marriage.. it's not OK... it's intimacy destroying... 

This is one of the best write -ups I've ever come across online... it was written by a woman, she doesn't say WHY the sex stopped... but she sure captures how it's affected every aspect of her life ...and happiness.. 

The link is no longer there, used to be on Salon.com... but I found it on a forum & saved it...



> *This is What a Sexless Marriage Feels Like*
> 
> 
> This post is not about virtue. It is not an ask for sympathy. It attempts to explore what I've learned about sex and sexuality since sex ended within my long-term relationship. I won't say much about why, because half of it is not my story to tell and I have no right. Just know that because of illness and after sharing a normal, monogamous, sexually active relationship for nearly a decade, my spouse suddenly lost the need, desire, and passion for sex.
> ...


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

It's hard to offer advice since you don't provide much detail. 
Let's start with some very basic questions around the "mechanics" that precede sex:

Do you initiate sex? How often?
Describe "how" you initiate sex (verbal, or physical? while in the car, or in bed? 6am or 11pm?)
What does she say/do when you initiate sex?
What do you say/do after she rejects you for sex?

Now some questions about your history on this issue:
What kind of conversations have you had with wife over sex?
Have you had the "his needs/her needs" conversation?
Would you say you've had "The Talk"? How often/how many times?
Have you read the 5 Love Languages? Has your wife? Have you discussed it?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I think to have that little sex at your ages is very difficult. I am in my mid 60s and have a similar situation. I hope it resolved for you


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Really Olivia? Every other day?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Okguy said:


> Really Olivia? Every other day?


I'm confused. What's wrong with every other day?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Nothing. If u can get it. This guy is not even close.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Swatson81 said:


> I have been with my wife since my sophomore year in high school. We have both only been with each other. Our sex life has never been great, but it has steadily declined since we got married (we are 38, been married for 15 years). I have a very strong sex drive and obviously my wife does not. We are only having sex maybe once every other month. She is my best friend and we are very happy together, but the lack of sexual contact has bothered me for a long time. I made the comment to her that I feel closer to her when we have sex and she said she didn't feel that way at all. She also has no interest in trying new things, so I'm at a loss on what to do.


You are at a lost because you can't really do anything, she is the one that has all the control to change the situation, and right now it would appear she is not willing to do that. As the lower drive spouse she controls your sex life with her. She is fine with the frequency and the things she allows, you are the one that is not fine with it. Apparently your NOT being happy with it is NOT a reason for her to change the situation. So unless or until she has a good enough reason that motivates her to change, you can expect your sex life to stay the same (or decline further).

What would motivate her to want to change? That depends on what is causing her not to want to have more sex. 

Are there physical reasons - hormone imbalance, illness, medications, too tired, sex doesn't feel good, she doesn't have orgasms, your technigue is lacking, etc. 
Are there problems in your relationship - anger, resentment, doesn't feel loved or appreciated, your too needy, your too detached, money issues, you are not attractive to her, etc
Does she feel too secure, thinks you love her the way she is, thinks the marriage is fine the way it us, there are no consequences for her not wanting more sex, etc.

Find the reason she doesn't want more sex and then you can try to help find a solution. But bottom line, unless she has a good reason to change and wants to change, she probably won't, and you will have to decide if it's a deal breaker, or if you are happy enough with just being best friends with occasional benefits.

Good Luck!


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I think that expecting sex every other day is asking for a lot considering where the op is. Your husband is lucky


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I was in a sexless marriage. Went over 4 years with no sex, no kissing, no nothing! I finally woke up and left her. She still is begging me to come back but I've moved on. If you aren't happy, get out now while you are still young. I feel so bad for people trapped in meaningless marriages.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I would agree to get out at 38 if the problem cannot be solved


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

The younger u are the more u should get out


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Much more difficult after 60 believe me. Lots of other things that matter more than infrequent sex.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

There is no such thing as a great marriage with a lousy sex life. If the sex life is lousy the marriage is not good.

Whatever is going on with your wife won't change unless she wants it to change. If everything remains as it is in terms of the relationship, she is perfectly content so why should she change anything?


Assuming you haven't gained a bunch of weight; (like more than 50) otherwise take care of yourself and dress well, remain an interesting fun to be with guy; treat her well and are emotionally supportive without being a doormat or a d!ck....

Print out Simply Amorus's post and hand it to your wife. Then explain the sex life, or lack thereof, is not something you can live with any longer. Then get No More Mr Nice Guy and read it cover to cover twice. Until your marriage is uncomfortable for your wife, nothing will change.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I am 65


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

And I agree that nothing will change unless the op's wife wants it to.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I think another issue for the op is both of them have only been with the other.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think you might have a great marriage, but you both define 'great' differently. Your wife defines it without the need for much sex, but you desire more sex. You both love one another, and it seems like that is where the schism exists...in how she is content where things are, but you are not. If your wife desires sex so very little, to me that would mean a medical issue maybe...because at your ages, you should still have a decent appetite for sex. You might want it more, but for her to really never want it, means that something needs addressing...whether it's physical or emotional, on her part.


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## Kilgoretrout (Feb 2, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> I think you might have a great marriage, but you both define 'great' differently. Your wife defines it without the need for much sex, but you desire more sex. You both love one another, and it seems like that is where the schism exists...in how she is content where things are, but you are not. If your wife desires sex so very little, to me that would mean a medical issue maybe...because at your ages, you should still have a decent appetite for sex. You might want it more, but for her to really never want it, means that something needs addressing...whether it's physical or emotional, on her part.


But aren't some people just lower sex drive people? Does it necessarily mean it's medical?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Kilgoretrout said:


> But aren't some people just lower sex drive people? Does it necessarily mean it's medical?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's a pretty low sex drive for a 38 year old woman, otherwise healthy.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Just in case.....

She needs to have her hormone levels measured including testosterone level. See a modern up to date hormonal doctor who is willing to give her female doses of testosterone IF she runs on the low end. This works, but the FDA was too hung-up to approve it directly in a female testosterone product. Bioidentical HRT works. 

She may have suffered from low female T her whole life.

Just an idea for you.

Your marriage is NOT a happy one. Its sexless. Its totally unacceptable if its making you unhappy.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

I got out at 47. Now Im almost 50 and Ive had a fantastic sex life for these years with my second wife. There is no age.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Why did u leave fetish wife?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Swatson81 said:


> I have been with my wife since my sophomore year in high school. We have both only been with each other. Our sex life has never been great, but it has steadily declined since we got married (we are 38, been married for 15 years). I have a very strong sex drive and obviously my wife does not. We are only having sex maybe once every other month. She is my best friend and we are very happy together, but the lack of sexual contact has bothered me for a long time. I made the comment to her that I feel closer to her when we have sex and she said she didn't feel that way at all. She also has no interest in trying new things, so I'm at a loss on what to do.



Both of you take the 5 love languages quiz

Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.


Turns out I am Physical rating 12 were as Mrs.CuddleBug is Acts of Service rating 12.

I am adventurous HD and she is conservative LD.

This will help you both to relate to each other better and as a daily reminder, post the results on the fridge.

Tell her, she is not her own anymore when married and she is to take care of your needs as her own and vise versa. Otherwise, selfish wife.


Solutions

- go to the family doctor
- internet, forums and advice
- talk to friends who are going through something similar


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

My advice: astroglide and a porn subscription...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Generally most men married 20 years still run at about 7-8 and most women are around 3-4. That means the average wife does not seek to do it every day or even other day. However, in good marriages, it runs a couple of times on a good week. Most women are happy when their husbands are happy and do not want there husbands looking at other women or being unhappy in their marriages. At bottom (excuse the pun) most women do this because their husbands are happy, in the same way a man smiles at his daughter's orchestra recital and goes to his wife's holiday party. 

Marriage is a partnership and involves some compromise. If you want to do what you want all the time, don't get married. Basically I see your wife's attitude as showing a lack of commitment to the marriage. Comon, it takes 10 minutes, a couple of oohs and aahs and your husband will be happy. Its similar to the husband saying to his wife, you look great when they go out Sat. night.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Not that simple Bobby. If it was no one would have infrequency problems.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Hangups, anxiety, misconceptions all wreak havoc on what should be natural and passionate sex. 

Thing is, many of those hurdles aren't necessarily your responsibility to remove, but hers. You can only encourage their removal. 

Also, for many women, sex is a seed you plant and watch grow. You tease her mind. Some women love verbal imagery suggested. 

None of the above will work with my aforementioned barriers in the way. 

Last thing, and I'm not being cheeky here. When you look in the mirror naked, would you want to fvck you? If the answer is no, you should work on that. Not for her, but actually for you.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Okguy said:


> And I agree that nothing will change unless the op's wife wants it to.


I don't agree. I don't think anything will change until he wants it to. 

I blame the op for marrying someone who wasn't that into sex to begin with and expected it to change. Sounds like he got exactly what he bargained for. But he was young and we all make mistakes. Until he stops begging and pleading for this it isn't going to change. The conversation will eventually need to get to him saying I won't live my life sexless, this changes or I'm leaving. Only then will something change one way or another


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I agree Wolf. He is only 38. She has been his only partner. Time to move on before they have kids.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Okguy said:


> I agree Wolf. He is only 38. She has been his only partner. Time to move on before they have *kids*.


This part especially!


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## Swatson81 (Feb 26, 2016)

I appreciate everyone's feedback. I have been off the grid in terms of having time to do anything but work and family for the last six months, so I apologize for the late response. 

Wolf/Okguy, we actually have two kids, 12 and 9, which is another huge factor in why I have not pushed too hard. Other than the occasional argument, we don't "fight" in front of the kids.

To answer a few other questions, I'm in good shape and other women seem to find me attractive...which causes jealousy on her part. Also, I have suggested that perhaps this is a hormonal issue and have asked her to talk to her doctor about it...but she refuses to do so. She is a very private person and refuses to discuss this with anyone.

My wife is a teacher and as soon as school was out in June she was much less stressed and she initiated sex right away, so I thought maybe it was stress that was causing the low sex drive. We have not had sex since that day in Mid-June despite my attempts to initiate. After reading many of your posts I'm realizing that my depression and unhappiness has more to do with a lack of sex than I ever imagined. I also realize that I've gotten to the point that I am starting to resent her and because of this I have very little patience with her. 

I need to talk to her about how this is effecting me...but to be honest I'm afraid to say anything that would hint at our relationship potentially being over. Divorce is not even in the realm of possibilities at this point. 

Corey


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Swatson81 said:


> I appreciate everyone's feedback. I have been off the grid in terms of having time to do anything but work and family for the last six months, so I apologize for the late response.
> 
> Wolf/Okguy, we actually have two kids, 12 and 9, which is another huge factor in why I have not pushed too hard. Other than the occasional argument, we don't "fight" in front of the kids.
> 
> ...


She should care about your well being, if she truly loves you. This sounds like it's affecting your health, and beware. You're starting to take notice of other women being attracted to you -that is because you have no signs from your wife that she finds you attractive in a sexual way. I hope you can find a compromise, but she needs to be willing to hear you. Hear your pain.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

If you are unwilling to divorce over this, then you are as much the problem as she is. I say this as a 50+ year old guy who has been in a near-sexless marriage for over 20 years. Decide whether sex is something you are willing to divorce over. If not, and you are not interested in cheating, then reconcile yourself to a sexless marriage and realize that is what you prefer, so it is on you and not on her.

Look, you can hit the gym, get a life, be less available to her, and see if she approaches you to inquire why you are withdrawn. Then you can calmly request more sex. Expect a huge fight. Small chance she gives in an provides more sex. Larger chance she sends you to the doghouse to test your commitment to more sex. That is why you might as well decide now what you are going to do when push comes to shove.

There are lots of ways to communicate that sex is a legitimate need during marriage. You can have her read The Marriage Bed. You can insist on seeing a sex therapist. regular MC might help but few of them are willing to push women to have more sex. AASECT licensed therapist is more likely to uphold that it is OK for you to require sex as part of marriage and focus on how to make sex good for her rather than whether you guys should be having sex. You need a counselor who takes it as a given that if one of you wants sex then sex must happen for the marriage to be happy rather than someone who views sex as an optional part of marriage.

The point is that you should be willing to discuss with her what it would take for her to enjoy having sex with you, NOT whether you guys ought to be having more and better sex. If you need to get in better shape, be stronger, have more stamina, or learn to become more skilled with fingers, tongue and toys, then you are willing to invest time and effort in providing that for her. But if she says there is nothing you can do to make sex more enjoyable for her, and she isn't willing to even explore whether that is a true statement, then my advice is to call your lawyer the next morning - because not only doesn't it ever get better most often it gets much worse. You hate yourself and her more and more over time and it is better for the kids if you leave as friends than if you wait until you hate yourself and her for all the lost years.


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## Swatson81 (Feb 26, 2016)

_The point is that you should be willing to discuss with her what it would take for her to enjoy having sex with you, NOT whether you guys ought to be having more and better sex. If you need to get in better shape, be stronger, have more stamina, or learn to become more skilled with fingers, tongue and toys, then you are willing to invest time and effort in providing that for her. But if she says there is nothing you can do to make sex more enjoyable for her, and she isn't willing to even explore whether that is a true statement, then my advice is to call your lawyer the next morning - because not only doesn't it ever get better most often it gets much worse. You hate yourself and her more and more over time and it is better for the kids if you leave as friends than if you wait until you hate yourself and her for all the lost years.[/QUOTE]

_

I have had the discussion with her many times. When we are intimate it is obvious that she is enjoying it and that she is reaching O. I honestly think it is a hormonal/chemical issue because once she gets over the initial hump so to speak, she is very responsive and enjoys it.
I will have a discussion with her this evening and request that she talk to her doctor about it.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Swatson81 said:


> I have had the discussion with her many times. When we are intimate it is obvious that she is enjoying it and that she is reaching O. I honestly think it is a hormonal/chemical issue because once she gets over the initial hump so to speak, she is very responsive and enjoys it.
> I will have a discussion with her this evening and request that she talk to her doctor about it.


Worth exploring if she is willing. But good chance it is not hormonal. 

Very well might be that she has responsive desire. Many women (and some men) do. In that case, the "problem" is that she has no desire until she becomes aroused, and she is opposed to allowing you to trigger her arousal when she is not feeling desire. In other words, she is only willing to allow you to start touching her in a sexual manner if she already feels desire and arousal, but she typically doesn't feel desire or arousal until after you start touching her sexually. That leaves you waiting for the rare occasion when she feels spontaneous desire.

I suggest you explore this with her. See if descriptions of responsive desire resonate with her. If they do, then she needs to be open to the idea that there is nothing wrong with allowing you to get her aroused before she starts to feel desire. Might require some chats with a sex therapist to discuss that the typical male model of sexuality which start with desire leading to arousal is often reversed in women, with desire only arising after the woman is aroused.

Good luck tracking down what mechanism is at work here.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Swatson81 said:


> After reading many of your posts I'm realizing that my depression and unhappiness has more to do with a lack of sex than I ever imagined. I also realize that I've gotten to the point that I am starting to resent her and because of this I have very little patience with her.


Your depression and unhappiness are things that slowly creep up on you until you wake up and realize you're depressed and...unhappy. A period of time has gone by from when you were happy and energized to the day you recognized that you weren't. During that time, you stopped being fun to be around. 

Your wife is a teacher, what grade? Many teachers I know spend a great deal of energy planning for, worrying about and interacting with kids in a nurturing way. Then they get home and take care of their own kids. It's a labor of love that leaves them in need of a strong partner who can nurture them.

Your martial woes are felt by you in the form of lack of sex. Your unhappiness is known to your wife. She either senses you aren't fun to be around like you used to be, or worse she sees you as yet another person in her life sucking the life right out of her.




Swatson81 said:


> I have had the discussion with her many times. When we are intimate it is obvious that she is enjoying it and that she is reaching O. I honestly think it is a hormonal/chemical issue because once she gets over the initial hump so to speak, *she is very responsive* and enjoys it.
> I will have a discussion with her this evening and request that she talk to her doctor about it.


How often would you want sex if the only time you wanted sex was when you already had an erection?

What do you know about responsive desire?


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Our culture will tell you that being a nice guy, talking it over, avoiding pressuring her, etc. will give you the desirous wife that you've always wanted. Unfortunately, from what I've read, this never seems to work out. It sounds like you've already attempted to gently make your needs known, and look where it got you. 

I think that to desire you again, she needs to feel the prospect of losing you. It's unfortunate that it has to come to that, but I think there's a dynamic of control and respect that goes on in a relationship. Right now she sees you as the safe partner that will always be there for her. It might be better for her to see you as the man she needs to work to win over.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Swatson81 said:


> I appreciate everyone's feedback. I have been off the grid in terms of having time to do anything but work and family for the last six months, so I apologize for the late response.
> 
> Wolf/Okguy, we actually have two kids, 12 and 9, which is another huge factor in why I have not pushed too hard. Other than the occasional argument, we don't "fight" in front of the kids.
> 
> ...


So long as this is how you feel and she knows it you have absolutely nothing to negotiate with. You only get one life.

If everything else is as good as you say and you won't divorce then maybe best you just learn to live with this and put your energy into other things.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

I commend you on seeing the positive. If I were you, without sex, the marriage would not be great. I'd just have a legal roomate.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

There is NOTHING more dire in a relationship than no sex. Wtf do we need the person to be the opposite sex for (for hetero couples) if you ain't getting laid. I got bros I'll Chuck and Larry just to play video games with all the time. Point being, you are never in too deep and dire times require dire measures. Once every 2 months? Are you kidding me? She needs to know that this is important and imperative. If she refuses to work on herself, then you need to leave before you waste away more good years.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't know if the analogy is good. Maybe it is the term "wanted". I'm not particularly interested in sex at this moment, but if my wife called and said she wanted to meet at home in an hour for sex, I'd certainly go. 

I think what is confusing for HDs, is when they are with a LD who physically enjoys sex - by obvious signs and the LD's own statements, but where the LD will almost always turn down sex. Even if someone is not in the mood at the moment, if they know from experience that they will enjoy sex, why would they so often turn it down?

BTW- here by "sex", I don't mean immediate intercourse, which is of course uncomfortable to painful for a woman who is not aroused. I mean starting with gentle sensual touching, and whatever the LD finds arousing to start with. 


My wife and I are willing to put up with much larger energy barriers. We like to travel, and so we are willing to put up with 20 hours of miserable flights in coach seats because we expect to enjoy the destination. 






Anon Pink said:


> snip
> 
> How often would you want sex if the only time you wanted sex was when you already had an erection?
> 
> What do you know about responsive desire?


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Bobby5000 said:


> ...She needs to understand a decent sex life is part of a marriage...
> 
> A husband cannot say, by the way I cheat with my secretary and neighbor a couple of times a month but otherwise I am a great husband in a good marriage, and a wife cannot say no sex and there is a normal good marriage...


First off, husband/wife are interchangeable. We've all seen this go both ways on TAM... 

Ok, I think you're saying that a spouse forcing the other into a sexless marriage is a bad marriage equivalent to a marriage with one spouse having an extramarital affair. If that is what you are saying, I completely agree. I would make the argument that forcing your partner to live a celibate marriage is worse than an affair, because a faithful partner will be stuck without any morally acceptable option for the love and companionship that they expected from marriage. I think both are fundamentally about trust in marriage. You committed to each other, then one person broke that commitment. I tend to believe that this is a clear breaking of wedding vows and should be treated as such morally and legally, IMHO. There should be as much social disdain for a sexless marriage as for an extramarital affair. Also, the term "Sexless Marriage" is an oxymoron, because it is not a marriage without sex. It is more of a legal/financial union, but that does not deserve the title of "marriage", which means much more IMHO.


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## Swatson81 (Feb 26, 2016)

_


Holdingontoit said:



Worth exploring if she is willing. But good chance it is not hormonal. 

Very well might be that she has responsive desire. Many women (and some men) do. In that case, the "problem" is that she has no desire until she becomes aroused, and she is opposed to allowing you to trigger her arousal when she is not feeling desire. In other words, she is only willing to allow you to start touching her in a sexual manner if she already feels desire and arousal, but she typically doesn't feel desire or arousal until after you start touching her sexually. That leaves you waiting for the rare occasion when she feels spontaneous desire.

I suggest you explore this with her. See if descriptions of responsive desire resonate with her. If they do, then she needs to be open to the idea that there is nothing wrong with allowing you to get her aroused before she starts to feel desire. Might require some chats with a sex therapist to discuss that the typical male model of sexuality which start with desire leading to arousal is often reversed in women, with desire only arising after the woman is aroused.

Good luck tracking down what mechanism is at work here.

Click to expand...

[

Holdingontoit you just described her to a T. I didn't know it had a name. This is a big help, thank you._


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

I couldn't imagine a life without, or with very little sex. My wife and I had this discussion BEFORE we got married. After 20 years together I still can't remember a time she said no, and we still have sex about 5 times a week.

My wife is also an elementary school teacher, and yes, the stress of her job is extreme. What a lot of people don't realize is the actual time a teacher puts into her job. I can tell you this, it most certainly isn't a 9 month job. Dealing with kids who won't behave, parents who won't discipline their kids, parents who criticize the teacher when it's not the teacher's responsibility and is beyond her control, lesson plans around disruptive kids, testing, contributing and participating in extracurricular activities, grading papers, entering grades, taking further required education classes during the summer, kids at home, a husband, etc. The list is neverending.

I can understand the stress levels she has. I see them firsthand. That still doesn't excuse her from duties as a wife. Do you help at home with housework, meals, cleaning? Is she on birth control?

By the way, I am 55 years old, and my wife is 50. We are Christians who are active in our church. Are y'all Christians? Read 1 Corinthians 7. We live it. My body is hers, and hers is mine. We respect each other, and realize that sex is necessary if one or the other spouse wants it. It's God's will.

She absolutely NEEDS to address her issues, not only for you, but for herself. It's obvious something is amiss, and it could be something easily addressed if only she could see past her personal fear long enough to see how this affecting not only you, but herself, and her family. Has she ever given you any kind of inkling as to what she thinks is causing her lack of desire? Is she still attracted to you? Does she think the kids don't know that Daddy is frustrated with her for some reason? Does she even know this is NOT normal? Are you willing to stand up to her and tell her you're not happy with the lack of intimacy, and if she doesn't address it the marriage could be in trouble?

Sometimes you have to absolutely rock the marriage for changes to happen. I'm praying that things change. Reaching out for help is a step in the right direction. Getting her to reach out is what needs to happen.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I have an off the wall suggestion. It sort of worked for me. There is some reasoning behind it. Mrs. Nail also functions with reactive desire. There is only one form of active initiation I can use that works with her. And it only works on early mornings when she has had plenty of sleep and she has nothing planned for the day. 

One thing that triggers her desire is absence. I know sounds wrong. Now this is an inactive trigger, sort of like the first day of Summer break. I just go on overnight campouts, with out her. It doesn't work every time, but it works often enough. I think it might have something to do with sleeping alone (whether that is because she sleeps better or because it makes her insecure, I don't know, but she is more interested. Second reason it might be working. She sees the activity as manly or mysterious or risky. These things may be making me more attractive in her eyes. Girls fancy a guy who is interesting.

So here is my suggestion. Your kids are the right ages for camping and picking up other hobbies. Develop an away from the house hobby you can share with the kids. Don't invite wife along. It's OK if she invites herself. Even if it doesn't work it will take your mind of your troubles and give you time with the kids.

Also see if you can find a passive trigger that happens more often than the first day of summer break.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Swatson81 said:


> _[
> 
> Holdingontoit you just described her to a T. I didn't know it had a name. This is a big help, thank you._


_

Swatson, read up on a lady named Emily Nagoski. She's brilliant at explaining and educating on responsive desire.
Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Holdingontoit said:


> Very well might be that she has responsive desire. Many women (and some men) do. In that case, the "problem" is that she has no desire until she becomes aroused, and she is opposed to allowing you to trigger her arousal when she is not feeling desire. In other words, she is only willing to allow you to start touching her in a sexual manner if she already feels desire and arousal, but she typically doesn't feel desire or arousal until after you start touching her sexually. That leaves you waiting for the rare occasion when she feels spontaneous desire.
> 
> I suggest you explore this with her. See if descriptions of responsive desire resonate with her. If they do, then she needs to be open to the idea that there is nothing wrong with allowing you to get her aroused before she starts to feel desire. Might require some chats with a sex therapist to discuss that the typical male model of sexuality which start with desire leading to arousal is often reversed in women, with desire only arising after the woman is aroused.


So for responsive desire, you need her mind to be on sex long before you approach her about anything remotely sexual. Do you guys ever watch movies together? Make sure you let her pick romantic movies with sex scenes now and then. Seeing that might arouse her, then you can start playfully winking at her.

Being a teacher is incredibly stressful, as said. She looks after needy children all day long, then comes home and looks after her own needy children. If you behave as yet one more person with needs for her to look after, she'll just feel more put upon, even if they are sexual needs.

Find some way to make touch and sex about HER needs, not yours. Offer massage without making it sexual. Offer oral sex to her and refuse to accept any reciprocation.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Herschel said:


> There is NOTHING more dire in a relationship than no sex. Wtf do we need the person to be the opposite sex for (for hetero couples) if you ain't getting laid. .


Maybe the problem is that she doesn't want to just "get laid"...


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I think there are some good suggestions, but I'll offer a few more. 

The men seem to approach this with a typical male approach, confronting her head on. But many women do not want to talk about it and others say, I am sorry, this is my problem and I have no interest. I think husbands should consider a more general approach. Wait till she wants to do something, perhaps go away, and suggest you are not in the mood, and apologize for that. 

You do not want to talk about sex, you want to talk about the entire marriage of which sex is a part. For most, there cannot be a good marriage without fidelity or without sex.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Swatson81 said:


> I made the comment to her that I feel closer to her when we have sex and she said she didn't feel that way at all.


To me, this kind of thing is perhaps even more disturbing than the lack of sex. You basically offered her a way for her husband to feel even closer to her, and she's not interested in the offer. If my wife told me that she feels closer to me when I take her out to dinner, I would take her out to dinner more. It's that simple. That's what good spouses do. No rebuttal or contrary opinion necessary. 

My wife similarly ignored me even after I told her how important physical intimacy was to me. Why your wife and my wife don't seem to grasp this is a mystery. Makes you wonder what is really going on in their heads.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

@Tatsuhiko: Makes you wonder what is really going on in their heads.

They find sex uncomfortable to have, uncomfortable to discuss, and uncomfortable to think about. They feel ashamed and guilty when you ask them for sex, or to talk about sex, or to explain why they don't wish to have sex more often. They just want the issue of sex to GO AWAY. When you raise the issue of sex, they want you to GO AWAY. When you do not raise the issue of sex, they do their best to ignore the issue entirely.

That is what is going on in their heads. Explains why they do what they do. Does not explain why guys like us stay married to them.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Holdingontoit said:


> They find sex *uncomfortable* to have, *uncomfortable* to discuss, and *uncomfortabl*e to think about. They feel ashamed and guilty when you ask them for sex, or to talk about sex, or to explain why they don't wish to have sex more often. They just want the issue of sex to GO AWAY. When you raise the issue of sex, they want you to GO AWAY. When you do not raise the issue of sex, they do their best to ignore the issue entirely.
> 
> That is what is going on in their heads. Explains why they do what they do. Does not explain why guys like us stay married to them.


Wow what a post. I've had the uncomfortable excuse for years. I don't know how to solve it. Especially when there is no desire to have it fixed. I'm so tired of sneaking around the elephant.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

On the prospective of a wife who did many years of deny my husband sex or not showing any interest in it, I really wish my husband had of sat me down and talk to me about how important sex was for him and how he felt when he got rejected. I wish I had of realized that getting what I needed out of my marriage was never going to happen until I put in what my husband needed, I just never had any clue what he really needed from me and it wasn't just duty sex. My husband was too shy and uncomfortable to talk to me about sex back then, and I was too, but if he had of I would not have stayed on an anti depression medication that killed my sex drive to nothing for 5 years. I would have looked at changing it asap because as soon as I stopped taking that medication, my sex drive improved. 

I'm not saying that having this conversation will change anyone's sex life with their partner. But if you truly love someone you want to please them. If you truly give your wife what she needs, and express what you need clearly I don't see why any wife would not try to meet her husband's sexual needs. If she doesn't there might be something more wrong with the marriage than you realize.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Daisy12 said:


> If you truly give your wife what she needs, and express what you need clearly I don't see why any wife would not try to meet her husband's sexual needs. If she doesn't there might be something more wrong with the marriage than you realize.


CSA, abuse, rape, sexual harassment, etc. is one quite common and powerful factor to explain why some wives are getting what they need but not reciprocating sexually. They can't, at least not without doing some difficult and often painful work to rewire their connection to their own sexuality. Many women are simply unwilling to do the work and undergo the pain required, especially since they have never experienced joy from sex or having a reliable partner worth making such a large investment.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Holdingontoit said:


> @Tatsuhiko: Makes you wonder what is really going on in their heads.
> 
> They find sex uncomfortable to have, uncomfortable to discuss, and uncomfortable to think about. They feel ashamed and guilty when you ask them for sex, or to talk about sex, or to explain why they don't wish to have sex more often. They just want the issue of sex to GO AWAY. When you raise the issue of sex, they want you to GO AWAY. When you do not raise the issue of sex, they do their best to ignore the issue entirely.
> 
> That is what is going on in their heads. Explains why they do what they do. Does not explain why guys like us stay married to them.


Very, very true.
My fix was to never talk about sex, never ask for sex and never complain about the lack of sex.
Apparently, that in and of itself got my wife more horny.

We subconsciously fixed this problem by scheduling sex. We never even talked about starting a schedule or the actual schedule itself, it just happened. I don't know how it happened, but it did. It's our unspoken rule that Tuesdays and Fridays are sex day. It's been this way for almost a year and we have never admitted to ourselves that it's a schedule. How weird is that!

The above written by holdingontoit was my reality and it has done a 180.

Change for the better IS possible. You might have to get creative, but why not?


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Holdingontoit said:


> CSA, abuse, rape, sexual harassment, etc. is one quite common and powerful factor to explain why some wives are getting what they need but not reciprocating sexually. They can't, at least not without doing some difficult and often painful work to rewire their connection to their own sexuality. Many women are simply unwilling to do the work and undergo the pain required, especially since they have never experienced joy from sex or having a reliable partner worth making such a large investment.



You are very right and when I said there may be something more wrong in your marriage, I did not just mean that the other spouse was doing something to cause it. There are many factors that can cause problems in a marriage, some are each spouses responsibility, but unfortunately some people were dealt a hard life and have not dealt with past issues or do not have the support to deal with these issues. These cases are probably more common than people think... :frown2:


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I say BS to most of the responses I have seen. Women know that relatively young men want/need regular sex, for lots of reasons. And it's not like it takes much sacrifice, maybe 2 minutes of perceived interest from her?

I say she is doing this on purpose, because she either wants out of the marriage and/or has designs on OM, perhaps at work. Many teachers I have known were always down to play around.

I say be waiting when she comes to bed, laying naked on top of the sheets with a raging hard-on. Tell her it's magic time, and that's why it is called the marital bed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I don't think it's obvious that she does not have a strong sex drive.

She has the sex drive of woman and you have the sex drive of a man.

Think about what may make a sex drive of a woman different than that of a man. Evolution, biology, life experience, procreation, religion....

It is quite natural for a wife (and sometimes a husband) not to have a sexual agenda in relation to their daily lives and marriage. It's just like maybe a husband does not have a keep-the-dishes-clean agenda in relation to their daily lives.

Maybe you had to learn that it's important to your wife that you don't let dirty dishes pile up in the sink. So now you take care of them not because you are naturally inclined to care about dishes but you certainly are inclined to care about your wife.

The vast majority of sexual imbalance comes from a combination of a) the sexually starved partner not meeting the non sexual needs of spouse (ie. the needs that are as important to them as sex is to you ), b) the sexually starved partner not communicating the importance of sex to them not as a "getting off" but as an emotional need and requirement of marriage, and c) the sexually starved partner not requiring that the marriage involve *both* people giving to each other and outwardly demonstrating that they care about their spouse in the way that is defined by the reciever and not the giver.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

It's been quite a while since the dishes for sex thing came up. I'd call it transnational sex if there was actually any sex in the equation. I will conditionally accept reason c) as I know for sure that one person changing will never fix it. 

Starved critters aren't rational.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> I say BS to most of the responses I have seen. Women know that relatively young men want/need regular sex, for lots of reasons. And it's not like it takes much sacrifice, maybe 2 minutes of perceived interest from her?
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How many women do you know who want to have sex for ONLY *2* *minutes*?!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

wrong question, how many women do I know who want to have sex for even 2 minutes?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Holdingontoit said:


> That is what is going on in their heads. Explains why they do what they do. Does not explain why guys like us stay married to them.


Money


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> wrong question, how many women do I know who want to have sex for even 2 minutes?


Why would a woman want to have sex for "even" 2 minutes? In most cases, two minutes won't do a dam thing for _her_.

If 2 minutes is all it's going to take, then why not just 'handle' matters yourself?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Vega said:


> Why would a woman want to have sex for "even" 2 minutes? In most cases, two minutes won't do a dam thing for _her_.
> 
> If 2 minutes is all it's going to take, then why not just 'handle' matters yourself?


I believe Mr Nail's point was that for the women he knows, if 2 minutes is bad, 10 minutes is even worse.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

@Vega: The key issue is whether, when they started dating, the sex was 50 minutes and now is only 2 and she is displeased. Or whether when they started dating, it lasted 2 minutes and she pretended that was enough for her and now she no longer feels like pretending.

If he stopped making the effort to please her, then bad on him. If she pretended to be satisfied with 2 minutes because she wanted the relationship to continue, but now she is allowing the truth to slip out, then bad on her.

The problem is not solely that he only lasts 2 minutes of PIV. The problem is communication and change of status. Did he do fingers, tongue and toys and now he doesn't? Or did she pretend 2 minutes of PIV was enough and now she is blaming him for being the same as he always was?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Holdingontoit said:


> CSA, abuse, rape, sexual harassment, etc. is one quite common and powerful factor to explain why some wives are getting what they need but not reciprocating sexually. *They can't, at least not without doing some difficult and often painful work to rewire their connection to their own sexuality. * Many women are simply unwilling to do the work and undergo the pain required, especially since they have never experienced joy from sex or having a reliable partner worth making such a large investment.


So So So so true!!!

The hardest part is to actually begin. Because in order to begin, you have to admit that your sexually was warped and you have to have hope or confidence that it can be unwarped and brought back to healthy. And this is after years and years of deny deny deny.

Trust...so damn elusive and fleeting. Easier to just stay closed off and closed up. Can't let anyone see the horrid mess inside. I'm so damn grateful that I found a way to heal and grow.


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## rolyntral (Sep 9, 2016)

Hi, well I hear you - I have been married for 19 years .. i am 50. Sex has never been frequent . We have kids - two - . I actually added it up and made an approx. count of sex with her - ready - 317 times since 1988! Does that suck or what! I wish i could have sex once a month. Needless to say i end up at the corner massage parlor for human contact once in awhile. So yeah she is more of a friend than lover - for my part i put on 40 lbs and at 50 , it gets harder to muster up when your partner does not really care. In your case, your still young enough to find someone if you want to but chances are you might what to work on her desire a bit . Do it Now! The older you get , the worse it gets! Good luck


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## rolyntral (Sep 9, 2016)

Nice guys finish last. Being a nice guy isnt sexy either. I am not saying like hurt her but be firm - tell her what you want - demand it , expect it - she how she reacts. What do you have to loose. My situation is bad - but its more medical than anything . Shes an american women , not the greatest on the obligation front. Asian women are the best for that. That aside, two months is just piss poor . Once a week used to be the benchmark ... in my case is far worse than yours. Over 30 years, I log about 320 encounters of the sexual nature. Thats it . This years the worse, once in January and once July .... average twice a year. Last year, 5 times - thats it . So work on it , it will only get worse. - be well and good luck


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

rolyntral said:


> Hi, well I hear you - I have been married for 19 years .. i am 50. Sex has never been frequent . We have kids - two - . I actually added it up and made an approx. count of sex with her - ready - 317 times since 1988! Does that suck or what! I wish i could have sex once a month. Needless to say i end up at the corner massage parlor for human contact once in awhile. So yeah she is more of a friend than lover - for my part i put on 40 lbs and at 50 , it gets harder to muster up when your partner does not really care. In your case, your still young enough to find someone if you want to but chances are you might what to work on her desire a bit . Do it Now! The older you get , the worse it gets! Good luck


Let's do the math. 

1988 to 2016 is 28 years. So, you've had sex 317 times in 28 years. That's an average of 11.32 times per year. Not quite considered to be a "sexless" marriage by today's standards. It's an average of almost once a month. 

You also said that your count was approximate. So it could be a little less OR, it could be a little more...
...which just might average out to be once a month, which is what you said you wanted. 

So, why the complaint?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It was probably more frequent earlier in the marriage and now is less frequent than once a month, he gave an average.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Vega said:


> ...which just might average out to be once a month, which is what you said you wanted.
> 
> So, why the complaint?:


This year it's been once every six months. He wishes it could be once a month, at least. I suspect he'd like it more often. But, like a caring husband, he's worked out a compromise to accommodate her. 

If it's unacceptable to him, that's what matters. It doesn't matter what the national average for a sexless marriage is, or whether he's just above the threshold.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Tatsuhiko said:


> This year it's been once every six months. He wishes it could be once a month, at least. I suspect he'd like it more often. But, like a caring husband, *he's worked out a compromise to accommodate her*.
> 
> If it's unacceptable to him, that's what matters. It doesn't matter what the national average for a sexless marriage is, or whether he's just above the threshold.


Was SHE part of this "compromise"? Does she know that's what he's been doing?

Doesn't sound like it if what he's been doing is "unacceptable" to HIM.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Vega said:


> Was SHE part of this "compromise"? Does she know that's what he's been doing?
> 
> Doesn't sound like it if what he's been doing is "unacceptable" to HIM.


Was she part of the compromise? I would say no, since it sounds like she's getting exactly what she wants sexually, which is virtually no sex. That does not sound to me like compromise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Vega said:


> Was SHE part of this "compromise"? Does she know that's what he's been doing?
> 
> Doesn't sound like it if what he's been doing is "unacceptable" to HIM.


I'm not even sure I understand what all of that means or how it's relevant.

Reading this thread, I get the impression that he'd like to make love with his wife more often, perhaps once a week or more. She does not want to make love nearly this often. His solution is to avoid forcing the issue, so he'll settle for once a month. That's a compromise on his part--possibly one he finds "acceptable" (at least from what he's written). When lovemaking became a semiannual thing, the low frequency became "unacceptable". That's what I've gleaned from his writing. We don't know whether she knows "what he's been doing", or what he's communicated to her in this regard.


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## idealist? (Aug 21, 2016)

Ok this will all depend on 100 factors. Theres no real answer for this without knowing all the factors and one of the factors might even be I am giving pure opinion. 
So I have to begin with assumption. Lets assume you have not let yourself go to hell. I mean than in any way such as physically, mentally or any one of a hundred other ways. Lets assume you have taken care of yourself and you dont literally create an environment by where she just cannot have any desire for you..you might be thinking "wow thats shallow, if you love someone appearance and hygene shouldn't matter. Well yes it does and for anyone here even thinking it you are an idealist.
now we have got past a lot of assumptions and passed you off as a desirable man physically. Then we begin to ask about your depth of conversation and your ability to listen to her and do you yourself do your own duties as a husband and a man in general. If and only if you are...you have to make it clear to her that sex is very important. She has to know you thrive on it and it means the absolute world to you to make love to your woman . 
If you dont get this in her head you will die inside. Like you I am a ve8ry sexual creature and if I cannot make love to the woman I care so deeply about I will understand she does not care about me the way I care about things VERY important to her.
in my case my sweetheart loves cards and a skype mid day just saying I love you. She loves the way I do my share around the house and dont think of her as my maid. She appreciates that I care enough to frequently do the dishes and when I do my laundry I throw hers in too. She likes the fact I will gladly talk and spend time with her and hear her when she is down. She knows I spend very little time out with friends because I dont like to go out knowing she needs a night out too and deserves it. 
The list goes on and on but I ask you, if I stopped some or all of the things very important to her because I JUST DONT FEEL LIKE DOING IT...would she think I still cared deeply about her? Would she still think I put her needs high enough on my give a damn about my relatiinship list? Would she jist think "awwww I love him with all my heart anyway he just doesnt feel like doing all those things I care about thats all?
NO....she would think "he doesnt love me enough or care enough about my needs to make the sacrifice to make my life happy. He doesnt care about me or love me enough to make the efforts to make his princess smile and feel the peace of mind true love brings to my heart. AND SHE WOULD BE RIGHT!
I'm sorry if that seems harsh but I mean for it to be. Maybe she loves you madly and you just need to explain to her in words such as these...."when we make love it makes me whole. After as you sleep I lay against you and softky run my fingers through your hair thanking God you were brought to me. I wake and ponder as I shower for work how I'd give you anything you ask for and I feel so close to you I could never even think of another woman akgainst me, much kess allow it to occur. BUT...when we dont make love I feel empty. I feel hurt and broke and lonely and incomplete. I feel like I'm not important enough to you for you to ever consider feelings or needs outside your own. Actually, I often wonder if you truly love me the way I love you. Sometimes I even wonder if we were meant to be, because it doesnt always feel that way when you deprive me of the best of you. The best of you being the place where two people madly in love meet to express the deepest of their love."

If you have that conversation and nothing changes then I think you know where you stand. I know some will get uoset and think my words are insensitive. I'll tell you whats insensative, depriving your significant other of something soooo meaningful man or women. 
I can assure there are the rare occassions my girl slides up against me and I feel like going to sleep but if she needs me I have a duty and commitment to her. I roll over and try to give her what she needs whether its a deep connection and a soft touch or just libido kickin. 
Maybe its just me but there is something deeply wrong and extremely selfish about depriving someone of something so important. 


o her and VERY bad things will begin to occur. It is without question sex in a marriage is needed and without it I believe your marriage is destined to fail. In fact, one could argue this that you speak of is a huge fail on its own. Its much bigger than what many men and women think. So many shallow minded people my consider it sex and thats all they think of. In your words it makes you closer to her and gives you a sense of complete within your relationship. So without it you have said it makes you feel seperated and tyere is not that sense of complete or whole or whatever word you wish to use. By the time two people get beyond "sex" as a relationship grows it becomes a means of connection at a much deeper level and sex is simply the portal to that deeper love. So if she takes away the portal what then does that tell you? Its either she is Asexual and cannot understand that or you are not the one she can go there with. OR...maybe something in your lives took her away. That could be any number of things including you just didnt work hard enough in the marriage and let her get there slowly by way of her giving up in dreams or giving up on you. If anything of that nature occured then maybe you have work to do. Maybe you have to start doing many things she needs in the relationship to bring her back to you. That could take a year or more for her to slowly reprogram who you are back into her mind. 
Not really advice per say but if I were having that issue I would begin with conversations to understand her better and likely therapy together to help. 
My point is I dont know all the details but I do know it is not sustainable. In fact....like me you are here and concerned and you realize you are not happy about this one HUGE VERY IMPORTANT aspect of a deep loving relationship. Work on it and change it and if it means that much to you commit to it and do all the work because life is short brother. This is not a practice run, this is your one life and it would be a shame to continue as you are.

Btw...I have been in your shoes and have been doing the work and making it right. I understand the hirt from it and when you can make it all come back its pretty. I myself have not achieved all I want but I am getting close and much of it is me myself giving more and making sure I did my work in the relationship. This stuff is work but if everyone works then it becomes easier. Good luck to you both .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I found this post lost in the system and decided to post it anyway. Thanks to Fozzy for answering for me.

got that bit, @Vega , and I even agree with it. When I read @MAJDEATH 's comment that you quoted I took it completely differently. 

Some how read If she would even pretend to be interested for 2 minutes it would get the ball rolling and something fun would happen. 

When you quoted it, I read if you would pretend to be interested for 2 minutes while we are having sex. Which is pretty grim for both parties.

Then I sarcastically combined both to say hey could you spare 2 minutes for sex this week? which I'm claiming I can't get.

I know I really shouldn't answer serious questions with sarcasm. But it's page 5 and we are all getting a bit punchy.

As for why a woman would want to have sex for even 2 minutes . Well you have to start somewhere. I thought it was open for infinite extensions as long as desire holds out.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I was making a point about what it takes to make your spouse happy, but may not be appealing to you.

First example, I provide 95% of the household income. I sometimes work 50-60 hrs per week to provide my W the things she desires, and this makes her happy. I would prefer to work less and pursue my hobbies more frequently.

The OP is requesting sexy time on a regular basis, to keep him happy. If all it takes is for her to show interest for 2 minutes once a week or so, how is that a problem for her? Doesn't she want her hubby to be happy? And it wouldn't hurt her either to use what God gave her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Vega said:


> How many women do you know who want to have sex for ONLY *2* *minutes*?!


It's not always about what you want. I don't want to take out the trash, but when I do it makes my W happy :|
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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