# Wife Checked Out After 15 Years



## mrokay (Sep 6, 2017)

We were the couple that made everyone else sick. We never really fought. We were always best friends. (We didn't really date in the traditional sense we were best friends who got each other.) My wife recently dropped the bombshell that she planned to leave me for our mutual friend (who is recently separated). He's been talking her up for a while I found out.

Anyway, he ended up not wanting to be with her after she threw herself at him. She's complained to me that she's hurt by his rejection and my tears have meant nothing. The bedroom is now closed for business. I want to work on things, but she's not interested. She's told me that it is time to get a lawyer.

To be clear, I've never been abusive emotionally or physically. I've never cheated. I help with family chores. I admit to not being as plugged into what the kids are doing in school. (I have a 1:30 commute both ways to work, not that it is a complete excuse, but she's either worked at home most of the time or has a 10-minute commute.) I know I haven’t done enough romantic stuff. I’m not perfect, but she could do a lot worse (and nearly did).

She tells me that she checked out of the relationship years ago and was keeping things together for just the kids and was dropping hints all along. I'm not trying to say I'm a saint. It was all the little things that I didn't take seriously enough to make her feel cherished, basically.

Ladies, guys are dumb and I'm no exception! I’ve missed the warning signs and I know I can't expect things to turn around on a dime (even though it really feels like they already have to me as her emotional and nearly-physical affair went down in a matter of about a week), but I've been working really hard to make changes, do more, etc. 

Compared to some of what I've read in other posts on this website about wives who've checked out, I've been a dream. In fact, the other night we had a small party with neighbors (she likes being Martha Stewart sometimes). She made pizzas. I made sure to do everything else. I cleaned the entire house including bathrooms, did all the dishes (I usually do, but was extra helpful this time), made sure the kids were out of the way, set the outside table, got the fire pit going at just the perfect time, did the dishes after dinner alone so she could have more time with the guests, got the music going just right (I can control the inside and outside music with my phone)... Basically, things ran more smoothly than ever before. During the party we were talking about music that we both loved to our guests and it seemed a little like my best friend was still there somewhat under this tough shell.

After all was said and done, we went to watch TV, I went to touch her shoulder and she then told me she’s not attracted to me and that I’m a bad kisser. “I’d make a great husband for someone else who isn’t a great kisser herself.” Now we’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel for the little things that annoy her. Is this f___ing junior high?

Since she’s nearly 45 and I'm 43, I guess she figures this is our last chance to find something better before we're too old and saggy looking. I'd rather make things work instead of have a mid-life crisis like this. She's not interested in counseling or anything right now. She basically wants me to move out in a few months. 

She’s an amazing woman and I still love her, but I am getting worn down. Today marks our 15-year anniversary. I gave her a card, but have also begun to move my finances. I want to start reading up on how to date again (not that I was ever that good at it before) and am really torn. I don’t want to be poor and away from my kids, but I feel that I have to go away, at least for a while as I feel like a real chump here. I really don’t need the insults I’m getting thrown at me lately for breathing. I don’t think my attempts at change are helping.

My parents fought all the time and never resolved anything so I figured that if we weren’t having stupid fights, all was good. As a child, she went through a few divorces and figures it isn’t a big deal for the kids and would toughen them up. I can’t believe she’s that insensitive about it. Things aren’t perfect, but they can’t be that bad. I don’t know. Sorry for rambling. I’m just hurt, confused, and willing to work on things. I want to win her back. I really do.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

I'm sorry this is happening to you. When people cheat they tend to say some pretty selfish things because cheating is a selfish act. You must have been hurt by her words but she may have been lashing out to justify her actions. Good luck. Better people than me will reply with more concrete advice.

Right now you're playing the pick me dance. Stop. Don't think about dating in the future yet. Get your mind, finances and legal situation in order.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

It's pretty hard to like what you see in the mirror when saving the relationship is at the expense of your own self respect. 

Additionally, what little respect she has left for you is also being sacrificed on that same altar.

Have you ever tried to push a rope?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I can't tell you how many times couples who break up for one reason or another always say "we were THAT couple. Everyone thought we were the model couple..." etc.

I even said it about my ex H and I. Looking back that was just a crock of bull that I used to convince myself it shouldn't end (denial).

You can't hope to repair a marriage with only one person putting in effort.
If she's checked out, there's not much you can do other than drop the other shoe.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Hell's Bells, Man! 

You've been designated as her "Plan B" and you want to touch her hoping to get sloppy seconds?

She has openly cheated on you and you want to willingly live with that?

She will keep non-sexual company with you until such time that she can find someone who she can cheat with again!

Lose her like the scourge she has proven herself to be and go see a family lawyer to advise you of your marital rights and to start the divorce process! Have an ounce of respect for yourself!*


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Give her everything she wants.

Seriously... be the first to file.

She is not the best friend you married... she is no longer anything you married.

Don't just learn the 180... live it.

Love yourself more...


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Yes...your best chance to get her back is to blindside her with a divorce.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Mrokay
Follow these directions. Tell her to leave. Put her outside. Lock the door. Call the lawyer.
You are being bullied because her love life failed. Give it a big fail, kick her out. Do not give her alternatives. Tell her that you are going to find someone, and just because you are a b1tch of the highest order, I will work diligently to let every man you date know that he would be better off with masturbation.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

mrokay said:


> She’s an amazing woman


So amazing that she cheated on you?And before you deny, she's been cheating fo a while now.
So amazing she threw herself at another man?
So amazing that she had sex with someone other than you? Don't thin for a moment that she hasn't
So amazing she has had years long EA? Again, don't think for a minute that she hasn't

You're hurt.
You can't believe what's going on.
You can't comprehend that she's been unfaithful.

Why stay?
Why allow her to disrespect you?
Why allow yourself to be treated like this?
Why listen to another lie?

1) Lawyer. Today. Know your rights. Start the Divorce. Start to get primary rights to your kids
2) Doctor - get STD/STI test
3) Counselor for you. One that has experience with infidelity. You're going to need to talk with someone about this
4) Eat.
5) Sleep (at least 8 hours a night if possible)
6) drink water (avoid alcohol at this point, it won't help)
7) Get to gym and start working out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul
8) Start to separate funds
9) 180 like your life depended on it.
10) DNA your kids. Not so much to see if they are yours (hopefully they are), but to show her that you can't trust anything about her
11) Don't know who originally posted it, but they are a genius:

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

mrokay, 

Imagine coming home every night to someone who isn't just happy to see you, but has spent the whole day missing you and wanting to be with you. Imagine having enthusiastic, fantastic sex with someone who desires you and fantasises about you when she can't have you. Imagine being in a relationship with someone who is wholeheartedly and joyfully committed to you ...

Your current wife? She isn't an amazing woman. Amazing people remain true to their commitments and morals. If they are unhappy in their marriages, they either do something to fix them, or they choose to exit their marriage with dignity, treating their spouse with morality, respect and empathy. They do not pursue others, or try to insult, belittle or offend that spouse into leaving. Not only do I believe that you can do far better for yourself than her, I am also fully convinced that you will far more easily find such a new partner. (The sad fact for us women is that the dating game post-40 is very much a man's game.) As disgusting as the behaviour of your mutual "friend" was - maybe the fact that he couldn't even stomach her when she threw herself at him should tell you something. Why on earth do you want someone who treats the treasure of your commitment and fidelity in the way that she has and does?

I am glad that you read the kissing comment for the crap that it was. I find myself less and less able to respect anyone capable of the degree of self-deception that requires vilifying another so that they do not have to bear the burden of accountability for their own actions. The sooner you have the courage to end your marriage, the sooner you can start being properly happy. Don't live anymore in the mirage of what-is-no-longer and maybe what-never-was. Short term pain ... 

(Out of curiousity, why should you be the one to move out? Although if you could move to reduce your workday commute, then think of what you could do with an extra 2 hours a day... )


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Satya said:


> *I can't tell you how many times couples who break up for one reason or another always say "we were THAT couple. Everyone thought we were the model couple..." etc.*
> 
> I even said it about my ex H and I. Looking back that was just a crock of bull that I used to convince myself it shouldn't end (denial).
> 
> ...


yes, and if i had even $1 for every behaving spouse been cheated on who said "but she's/he's such a wonderful husband/wife and i still love them", i could have retired 30 years ago.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Whether you realize this or not you are so many steps ahead... so many things shown.

As @Mizzbak pointed out, that the OM decided your wife was not worth a relationship shares insight, what does he see that you do not? 

To stop fighting does not mean surrender, it means finding a path around the hurdle to your happiness... no more trying to push a rope as @farsidejunky's defining example clearly states. Listen to what she is telling you, it speaks volumes of her... not you.

The past will not serve you well... neither will the hurt. A year ago I would have still triggered reading your pain... deep the hurt can drive. Today is the recognition of experience.

You will know you have moved past this when the memory will bring a momentary sadness then pass quickly with the attention it deserves... very little. That may seem a long ways from now but it will come. Sitting next to her on the couch as you did brought back a memory of nearly the same for me with my ex-wife over 32 years ago, except I was told that my hand on her leg always "creeped her out". Something in my heart for her died that night realizing it was better to alone than to live unvalued... and it only took me a week to find a full blown affair after that.

You have no detective work to do... you have no more trying to guess why.

Your wife quit loving herself when she chose to quit living her vows... sometimes we simply don't win for a very good reason, the cost is too great on what we have to give back for that desire to win.

With what you have been presented, loving yourself more transforms that rope into a tool that you can pull yourself forward with, hurt is meant to be left behind.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

mrokay said:


> We were the couple that made everyone else sick. We never really fought. We were always best friends. (We didn't really date in the traditional sense we were best friends who got each other.) My wife recently dropped the bombshell that she planned to leave me for our mutual friend (who is recently separated). He's been talking her up for a while I found out.
> 
> Anyway, he ended up not wanting to be with her after she threw herself at him. She's complained to me that she's hurt by his rejection and my tears have meant nothing. The bedroom is now closed for business. I want to work on things, but she's not interested. She's told me that it is time to get a lawyer.
> 
> ...


I haven't read the other posts which will probably say the same thing, but:
1) stop doing a damn thing around the house for anyone but YOU She just sees all this effort as weakness on your part and a plan to try to "win her back" which is f-ing ridiculous. She WAS your wife, bro. SHe cheated. Yes, cheated at the very least in her heart. She should be "WINNING" YOU back!
2) stop trying to kiss her, and follow her around wanting affection and sex. It REPULSES HER. Screw her. She ditched you years ago in her mind! 
3) Get a lawyer and divorce her. Right now she's just holding auditions for your replacement. The last one didn't want the part. Likely nobody else will want her sorry arse, either. Get rid of her while she wants out and thinks there's some idiot that wants a woman like her.
4) Start working out, and separating everything. Come up with a plan that will not leave you penniless or in dire straits financially.
5) You love her. Okay. However, you don't love HER, anymore, because she is NOT the person she once was. She's CHANGED. Get it? The person you loved and once knew is actually NONEXISTANT. I know, it hurts, because you still see the shell of that person and they look the same. SHe is NOT the same. She's a totally different person.

I know how hard it is. I've been through it. Get rid of her as soon as possible and stop being a doormat for a rotten, cheating, lazy wife.

You're not a good kisser? Why in the hell did she marry you, then? I'll bet she was singing a different tune years ago when you were in love. Don't listen to that hurtful bull crap.
You can find someone that will love and appreciate you. This one NEVER WILL AGAIN.

And I'm very sorry. I know without a doubt I'm right on this. Stop pining for her. Get rid of her and move on. ALl you can do!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Mizzbak said:


> mrokay,
> 
> Imagine coming home every night to someone who isn't just happy to see you, but has spent the whole day missing you and wanting to be with you. Imagine having enthusiastic, fantastic sex with someone who desires you and fantasises about you when she can't have you. Imagine being in a relationship with someone who is wholeheartedly and joyfully committed to you ...
> 
> ...


Excellent and worth re-reading OP.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

How the hell do you follow 



mrokay said:


> She's complained to me that she's hurt by his rejection and my tears have meant nothing.


and 


mrokay said:


> She tells me that she checked out of the relationship years ago


and


mrokay said:


> she then told me she’s not attracted to me and that I’m a bad kisser.



wth


mrokay said:


> I want to win her back. I really do.


????


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do NOT move out! She wants out so she can be the one who is inconvenienced. Take over the master bedroom and let her sleep elsewhere. Pile her clothes and crap outside the bedroom door and put a lock on it. Stop playing 'happy couple' to the public. Tell her family and friends. 

Make this real for her. She is not your wife and she is not your best friend at this stage. You can't 'nice' her back so just stop trying.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

:iagree: By the way,the thing that she didn't do,that trumps all the things she said you didn't do in the marriage,was stay faithful. You may also want to tell your other mutual friends if they are also friends with the OM. He may be fishing in other waters as well.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

mrokay said:


> We were the couple that made everyone else sick. We never really fought. We were always best friends. (We didn't really date in the traditional sense we were best friends who got each other.) My wife recently dropped the bombshell that she planned to leave me for our mutual friend (who is recently separated). He's been talking her up for a while I found out.
> 
> Anyway, he ended up not wanting to be with her after she threw herself at him. She's complained to me that she's hurt by his rejection and my tears have meant nothing. The bedroom is now closed for business. I want to work on things, but she's not interested. She's told me that it is time to get a lawyer.
> 
> ...


And you have what proof things are not physical between them? Because they swore up and down nothing happened? Wake up. Your 'mutual friend' is not your friend. Smart money says she is sleeping with him and does not want to cheat on him with you, her husband.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

My goodness!

You guys and gals said it all. 
..................................................................

Oh, on the kissing....

She said you were a bad kisser..

Compared to whom and to how many are you being compared to?

Sounds like she had been doing her Homework. Lip locking 101.

Home Wrecker Work.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

get out now.

go see the attorney and have her go to her lover and live in his yard.

expose and expose.

read about the 180 and do it.


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## mrokay (Sep 6, 2017)

Wow! You folks really cheered me up. I needed that today on our anniversary. :smile2: For some reason I was waiting to hear the old, "If you cheat it's your fault. If she cheats its your fault." 

The funny thing is I live in Maryland. As per the adultery rules here, many things don't count. Emotional affairs (which I'd file this under and find it far more painful than a booty call) don't count. Other things that don't count include: kissing, touching, oral, and even taking the back road. But if just the tip goes in, that seals the deal. LOL.

Anyway, thanks everyone! :smnotworthy:


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Just go clod on her.

Move your fianiances cancel joint credit cards see a lawyer.

Start spending more time with the kids and pounding the weights.

Stay away from booze.

Keep a good work ethic don't goof up your jobb stressing about this crazy *****.


You will be fine as a matter of fact don't be surprised if she tries to get you back but for crying out loud don't ever take her back your ship has sailed ...off into the sunset of happiness.

Good luck.


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