# Please, I need advice



## confused80 (May 30, 2008)

Hi, I am new here and I would like some opinions and or advice. First off, I hope I do not offend anyone. 

Ok, so I have been married almost three years. I am considering leaving. I am so confused. A little about my situation...

I dont think I am in love with him. I dont think I was ever really "IN LOVE." I think when he asked me to marry him I said yes because of the wrong reasons. I was really starting to feel like I needed to get married because I was getting older. I think I married him out of convienence more then anything. We do not have any children. Some of the problems we have is there is NO communication. Whenever there is something serious to talk about he makes light of it. I am not attracted to him, I dont like having sex. There is NO intimacy. There really never was. He is a very selfish person. (I am not trying to make him into the bad guy at all) He drinks way too much. He knows that is a huge problem for us. He and I NEVER go on "dates"!! He and I really dont have anything in common. We have never been to a movie...I know we should have never gotten married. 

So now to my faults...I found a friend of mine online. We never dated, but there was definitly attraction there. Well after a few months of talking on the computer and phone we met up for the weekend. He made me feel so special. He was a perfect gentelman. He open doors for me, he always made sure I walked ahead of him, he was so attentive. He held me. I havent felt loved like that in a long time. (no we didnt sleep together) We had so much fun together. I miss him when I am not with him. He is all I think about. Now, I know the grass isnt always greener on the other side. But I have known him for 17 years... he is a good man. 

I feel sooo guilty at home with my husband. And the sad part, I feel bad for my friend. I feel as if I am betraying him, and not my husband.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

What you did was have an emotional affair. But in the end only one thng matters. You have talked yourself out of the marriage and I don't think you will honestly try to get back in the grove of things. I think you have already made up your mind and are either here for justification or to understand why you made up your mind as you did. None of that really matters as you have already made the choice, now you just need to follow through.

draconis


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## confused80 (May 30, 2008)

draconis said:


> What you did was have an emotional affair. But in the end only one thng matters. You have talked yourself out of the marriage and I don't think you will honestly try to get back in the grove of things. I think you have already made up your mind and are either here for justification or to understand why you made up your mind as you did. None of that really matters as you have already made the choice, now you just need to follow through.
> 
> draconis


Thank you Draconis. You are right. I have already made the decision I just need to follow through.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Just remember we are always here to listen, offer advice or information when we can. In psychology the idea isn't to give a person an answer but help them understand the question enough to answer it themselves. 

It seems like you have your answer but want to know why you want to leave and feel so torn. Maybe you feel disloyal for doing so. Truthfully I do not know, only you actually know how you feel.

Often I write pieces for this site to help people titled thesis. The one I am currently working on is communication. Normally because of research etc it take 40-80 hour to put one together and because all of the communication issues I have seen here lately I really want to get it done. I hope any future relationship you learn to communicate better.

I wish you well.

draconis


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## Green-Moo (Feb 5, 2008)

Good luck Confused, whatever you do. Ithink you are vey brave, admitting that you married for hte wrong reasons. You certainly won't be the first person to do so.


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## confused80 (May 30, 2008)

Green-Moo said:


> Good luck Confused, whatever you do. Ithink you are vey brave, admitting that you married for hte wrong reasons. You certainly won't be the first person to do so.



Thank you so much. I appreciate your kindness.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Confused80 - as mentioned in above post. I think it is pretty clear to you that you are not happy & have no desire to work on your marriage. Does your husband have any clue how you are feeling? 

Regarding your friend, I certainly hope his is your soulmate. However, it is often said that it is not recommended to go immediately from 1 relationship to another. It is recommended that you take time to know who you are & what you are looking for before getting involved in another relationship. 

That is good that you have not slept with your friend, because once that happens, you can't go back and "undo". If you do decide to pursue a relationship with your friend, I would take it slow. And keep in mind, that if you do take your friendship to the next level & for whatever reason it doesn't work out. Not only will you lose your "lover" but a "friendship" . I would proceed with caution - until the turmoil with your current marriage settles down before making any major decisions. 
And I think you owe it to your current husband to let him know how you are feeling - so he can start preparing to deal with his loss. 
Good luck - hope you find the happiness you are looking for. Keep us posted.


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## confused80 (May 30, 2008)

Believer,

Thank you for your advice. I totally agree with you about taking time before jumping into another relationship. I am not going to go any further with my friend until everything is figured out. My husband does know how I feel. I told him last weekend that I wanted to leave. I stated the reasons why. I did not tell him about my friend. I do not want to hurt him if I don't have too. I know what I did was wrong, the emotional affair. But I do not want him thinking that I was ever physicaly unfaithful to him. I wasnt. Right now I am taking it one day at a time. Thank you again for your input.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

I am glad that you are taking it slow. You might have been so unhappy in your marriage that your "friend" was filling those voids in your marriage that you so desperately were seeking. 
I am sure that conversation with your husband wasn't easy but I am sure it is a relief to you to finally have it off your chest & to be able to be truthful. I would have thought your husband would have asked more questions, if there was someone else? did he offer to try to work it out - or did he feel the same way?

The reason I felt strongly about telling your husband, was I was cheated on. As much as I didn't want to hear that information about my husband, I wish he would have given me the courtesy/respect to tell me -so I could either work on the things that were bothering him before he acted with the other woman. Or if he was so unhappy, wish he would have left - I would have been devestated but at least I would know the truth. I had to dig & dig to get information, so I could back up my claim before my husband finally told (some) truth. 
do you have a time frame for things to move forward with you leaving? are you moving out? guess that would be the next step in this situation. 
wishing you the happiness you are seeking. good luck & keep us posted.


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