# Wife's Infidelity



## someguy711 (Apr 15, 2015)

Recently my wife had an affair with someone else. I do blame myself for not being the best husband possible for the past 8 years. She says right now she wants time and space. She said we are separated but we still live together. I say I will move out and live with my parents but she thinks it would be bad for the kids. 

She continues to talk to him all the time like its not a big deal. She is treating this as her chance to do whatever she wants. She doesn't want the drama associated with me moving out and people knowing. She says don't give up on us and that all is not lost. She wants to meet up with him again in a couple months. My question is what should I do here? I love her but I know if she goes and sees him again that I'm done with it all. 

He doesn't know that I know nor does his wife. Part of me is tempted to contact his wife which I found out who she was. Let her know what's going on. I feel all is lost here and its only been 4 weeks since it happened.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Yes contact his wife do not tell yours.
Do not move out.
Let close family know what she is doing.
Sorry you are here.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Read this book
No More Mr Nice Guy Robert A. Glover PDF Download - Video Dailymotion


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

DO NOT MOVE OUT, there are legal issues if you abandon the family.

Do the 180 for you

Expose, Expose, Expose.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Since you know who the wife is go see her in person tell her what is up then give her your wife's cell #.
Then grab the popcorn because you will be blowing up the fantasy and more than likely ending the affair.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

If you want to try and save the marriage exposure can be very helpful in ending the affair. 

at this point she is cake eating. you basically have a one sided open marriage.

you can't save the marriage and reconcile while she is still in the affair.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

One thing I've learned here since being at TAM is that you must expose the affair to the other man's wife. And check out the 180 and do it.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

DO NOT TELL YOUR Wife you are going to tell OM's Wife.

when you do expose you wife probably will be angry, that is normal, do not fear this.

she might even say "I was going to reconcile with you until you exposed" (this statement is so common) and it's Bull crap


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

convert said:


> If you want to try and save the marriage exposure can be very helpful in ending the affair.
> 
> at this point she is cake eating.
> 
> you can't save the marriage and reconcile while she is still in the affair.


:iagree:


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

someguy711 said:


> Recently my wife had an affair with someone else. I do blame myself for not being the best husband possible for the past 8 years. She says right now she wants time and space. She said we are separated but we still live together. I say I will move out and live with my parents but she thinks it would be bad for the kids.
> 
> She continues to talk to him all the time like its not a big deal. She is treating this as her chance to do whatever she wants. She doesn't want the drama associated with me moving out and people knowing. *She says don't give up on us and that all is not lost.* She wants to meet up with him again in a couple months. My question is what should I do here? I love her but I know if she goes and sees him again that I'm done with it all.
> 
> He doesn't know that I know nor does his wife. Part of me is tempted to contact his wife which I found out who she was. Let her know what's going on. I feel all is lost here and its only been 4 weeks since it happened.


Tell her to fvck off. Seriously, don't you have any pride or self respect? Expose this affair to EVERYONE! Then she will really be able to find out in very short order whether this new guy is "the one" or if she was used as a piece of ass... In most cases, guess what ends up happening - LOL.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Tell her to fvck off. Seriously, don't you have any pride or self respect? Expose this affair to EVERYONE! Then she will really be able to find out in very short order whether this new guy is "the one" or if she was used as a piece of ass... In most cases, guess what ends up happening - LOL.


Someguy do you see a theme here?
You can't "nice" her back.
A good saying is you have to be willing to end the marriage in order to save it.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Do not move out.

Take all the responsibility you want for stresses in the marriage, but when it all boils down, she had a choice and she chose another man. She could have fought with you, insisted on MC, moved out, any number of things. But she picked an affair and that choice is 100% hers. She owns it.

She has lost the right to determine how any separation progresses, she lost that right when she introduced another man into your marriage. You are not anyone's Plan B and its time she knew that.

This is the time to expose. Tell the OMW, her parents, your parents, post them on cheaterville. She is in the nah-nah land of cheater-heaven if she thinks staying in contact with the OM is no big deal, and its time to burst her little bubble. Actions have consequences.

Contact an attorney, even if its just to get some idea of where you are going to stand financially, and with the kids. How old are they?

Go out an get tested, cause I bet they didn't use protection. It's horrid, but better to know than not. And talk to your doctor about depression, it is common in this situation for both men and women.

Start the 180. It is much more for you than for ending the affair. It gives you a structure to start becoming more independent and detached.
I am so sorry you're here. There are a lot of good people and tons of advice.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell your wife since she is banging another man to get out.

Tell her you are going to see a lawyer and do it.

Separate your finances. Get your own bank acct. Take half the money out of your joint acct. Take her off of credit cards, cancel them if you have too.

The way your putting up with her contacting and cheating with him assures this is going to lead to divorce.

Use VARs to find out what they are talking about. That light isn't the end of the tunnel its a freight train bearing down on you. Either up your game or slink away.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

someguy711 said:


> Recently my wife had an affair with someone else. I do blame myself for not being the best husband possible for the past 8 years. She says right now she wants time and space. *She said we are separated but we still live together.* I say I will move out and live with my parents but she thinks it would be bad for the kids.
> 
> She continues to talk to him all the time like its not a big deal. She is treating this as her chance to do whatever she wants. She doesn't want the drama associated with me moving out and people knowing. She says don't give up on us and that all is not lost. She wants to meet up with him again in a couple months. My question is what should I do here? I love her but I know if she goes and sees him again that I'm done with it all.
> 
> He doesn't know that I know nor does his wife. Part of me is tempted to contact his wife which I found out who she was. Let her know what's going on. I feel all is lost here and its only been 4 weeks since it happened.


She is saying you two are separated so she does not fill guilty in this affair. we have heard this before.

So , would she have a problem if you started "dating"?
I am not saying to start dating, I am guess she would not be cool with you dating.
I know we all are hypocrites but this takes it to another level.


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## someguy711 (Apr 15, 2015)

I would love to go right to his wife in person. Problem is that he's somewhat of a celebrity. He lives in California and I'm in Ohio. I have all the messages he's sent her through DM on twitter of recent and they have no idea either. While I can't see what she wrote I can see all his messages to her. I can contact his wife via Facebook which crosses my mind quite often. It's very tempting but am I doing the right thing at this moment or do I wait and give it time like my wife asked. 

My wife says shes confused about her feelings and what to do. mean while I am coming home right after work everyday and taking care of our kids who are 8 and 6. I'm doing the homework, dinner, bath, laundry etc. While she stays gone because she's confused. She says she's there for me but not regarding us and my feelings there. 

She wants to meet him again in June. I keep thinking can I wait until then to draw the line. the pain is so real. I wasn't the best to husband by any means didn't do what I always should have was distant at times but the past 3 months I really changed and I thought it was going great until then. 

Right now I feel so used because she wants me around so I can do all the dirty work I feel. Whether or not that's true but that's how I feel.


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## someguy711 (Apr 15, 2015)

thanks everyone. This is helping. No I don't have much self pride or respect right now. Part of me wants to contact the OMW as a friend of her's. I know its cowardly. Just so very confused right now. 

Can someone explain the 180 to me? Just trying to get the ducks in a row. Kids are 8 and 6. I'm contacting an attorney to see what my options are.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

someguy711 said:


> I would love to go right to his wife in person. Problem is that he's somewhat of a celebrity. He lives in California and I'm in Ohio. I have all the messages he's sent her through DM on twitter of recent and they have no idea either. While I can't see what she wrote I can see all his messages to her. I can contact his wife via Facebook which crosses my mind quite often. It's very tempting but am I doing the right thing at this moment or do I wait and give it time like my wife asked.
> 
> My wife says shes confused about her feelings and what to do. mean while I am coming home right after work everyday and taking care of our kids who are 8 and 6. I'm doing the homework, dinner, bath, laundry etc. While she stays gone because she's confused. She says she's there for me but not regarding us and my feelings there.
> 
> ...


:banghead::banghead:
Call a PI in Cali and have him get her phone number and you call her.
Any email or fb can be intercepted by him.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I agree. She doesn't get to stage manage her ugly behavior.

Tell relatives, friends, church pastor.

File for divorce, play hardball. Stay put, show your kids you're like a rock.

She's disgusting. Get her to move out.

Find your [email protected] and don't let her see weakness.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

someguy711 said:


> thanks everyone. This is helping. No I don't have much self pride or respect right now. Part of me wants to contact the OMW as a friend of her's. I know its cowardly. Just so very confused right now.
> 
> Can someone explain the 180 to me? Just trying to get the ducks in a row. Kids are 8 and 6. I'm contacting an attorney to see what my options are.


You see by putting up with her crap she has lost respect for you.
Now if you start to "man up" and expose her for what she is she may come out of the fog so to speak.
But with what you are doing now you don't have a chance.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Well so far your giving your wife every chance in the book to keep stabbing you in the back, take your pride, dignity, and self respect.

Look friend if it's me I contact a lawyer, have divorce papers drawn up, have her served and if she works, have her served at work. Then while she's being served, I contact the OM wife and fill her in and most of all, STAY PUT IN THE HOUSE and tell her to leave. If she wont, then hand her sheets, blanket and pillow and tell her the master bedroom is off limits to her.

I also start a new checking and savings account with your name only. New credit card with your name only. Let the families know of her betrayal as well as friends before she turns this mess around and blames you for it all.

Most important stop laying there like a door mat and having her wipe her feet on you. Trying to be the nice guy has got you where? Time for you to take the bag of dirty laundry she hung around your neck and put it where it belongs. If not she'll tear you to shreds.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

someguy711 said:


> I would love to go right to his wife in person. Problem is that he's somewhat of a celebrity. He lives in California and I'm in Ohio. I have all the messages he's sent her through DM on twitter of recent and they have no idea either. While I can't see what she wrote I can see all his messages to her. I can contact his wife via Facebook which crosses my mind quite often. It's very tempting but *am I doing the right thing at this moment or do I wait and give it time like my wife asked. *
> 
> My wife says shes confused about her feelings and what to do. mean while I am coming home right after work everyday and taking care of our kids who are 8 and 6. I'm doing the homework, dinner, bath, laundry etc. While she stays gone because she's confused. She says she's there for me but not regarding us and my feelings there.
> 
> ...


No, you're not doing the right thing. Why the hell does she get to decide how this plays out? She's the one who's in the affair and she gets to call the shots. Oh, HELL NO. 

First thing you need to do is decide if you want to reconcile or not. If you do, then you need to rock her world by exposing her to everyone. Only then might you have a chance to save things, but right now she's in control and you're buying everything she says, hook line and sinker. 

After exposing her to everyone, I think you need to file for divorce. If you really want to stay with her, like others have said, you need to be willing to give her up. It sounds counterintuitive, but once she's faced with divorce papers she will really need to make a decision. Right now she doesn't have to, since she's calling all the shots. If, and this is a big if, she does all the heavy lifting to repair the damage she's done, you can always call off the divorce. Otherwise, stay the course and follow through and find somebody who will respect you more than your wife is doing. Good luck.


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## someguy711 (Apr 15, 2015)

She tells me she wants me to keep trying and not to give up on us. That she just needs time and space but wants to keep contacting him and says I have no right to stop her.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tell her she can meet him in June if she wants... just not as your wife.
You should hand her divorce papers asap.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

someguy711 said:


> She tells me she wants me to keep trying and not to give up on us. That she just needs time and space but wants to keep contacting him and says I have no right to stop her.


She is right you can't control her but you can control what you will or will not put up with.
Start exposing already.


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## someguy711 (Apr 15, 2015)

Alright from a legal standpoint if we just rent the house and have the kids there are there repercussions by me moving out and back in with my parents. My parents and some close friends know because I had to tell someone. 

I have a meeting with a lawyer scheduled coming up to see what I should do.


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## someguy711 (Apr 15, 2015)

From the exposing standpoint what are some of the results that you've seen happen? I know I maybe asking a lot of the same questions just really confused of what to do.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

tom67 said:


> She is right you can't control her but you can control what you will or will not put up with.
> Start exposing already.


Bingo. Don't be a pushover, and start telling her what YOU want. Never mind what she wants - she wants to have her cake and eat it too, that's why she's telling you to wait. Screw that - you need to take control of the situation.


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## PBDad (Apr 13, 2015)

Make a plan. Protect your finances, bank accounts, anything joint, make yours and yours only. At least temporarily.

Have her served immediately with divorce papers. If possible have it done in a public way. Where she works.

The day she's being served, expose the truth to her and your entire family. Expose to all your friends. This is for her embarrassment and for your support. 

It may just wake her up. Then you have the power over the relationship. You make the calls. Reconcile or not on your terms.
There's something called the 180 here. Basically ignore her for any and all things except the kids and status of the divorce.

If she come around, she goes to counseling. Find a counselor who has experience with cheating spouses.

Action = manliness. 
Inaction = ****


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Yes, you are leaving your children, that does not look good in eyes of the court. 

I hope you have taken some of the advise and setup your own personal checking account, cancelled all joint credit cards, taken 1/2 of your savings and placed it into your own account. If you have a phone plan cancel the joint plan and get your own.

Please let her parents, friends and family know what she is doing.

Stop all sex with her. Get tested for STD's

What she is purposing to you makes you a cuckold.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> No, you're not doing the right thing. Why the hell does she get to decide how this plays out? She's the one who's in the affair and she gets to call the shots. Oh, HELL NO.
> 
> First thing you need to do is decide if you want to reconcile or not. If you do, then you need to rock her world by exposing her to everyone. Only then might you have a chance to save things, but right now she's in control and you're buying everything she says, hook line and sinker.
> 
> After exposing her to everyone, I think you need to file for divorce. If you really want to stay with her, like others have said, you need to be willing to give her up. It sounds counterintuitive, but once she's faced with divorce papers she will really need to make a decision. Right now she doesn't have to, since she's calling all the shots. If, and this is a big if, she does all the heavy lifting to repair the damage she's done, you can always call off the divorce. Otherwise, stay the course and follow through and find somebody who will respect you more than your wife is doing. Good luck.


She is an affair fog. She needs consequeness to wake her up. First is do NOT move out. She is the one to leave or at the minimum she sleeps on couch. You remain in marital bed. 

Expose to BW, her family and friends before she tells her side making herself as a victim.

Seperate your finances. Remove half your money out of the existing account. Move your direct deposit to another account. Any shared credit cards need to be disabled. Make sue she pulls her weight financially for the bills. None of this you pay everything and she spends her money clothes, GNO, and trips to see OM. 

Do not become her baby sitter while she goes out partying. Get busy with your own life. Be the best dad possible. 

Even if you want to reconcile, you have to file for divorce and let her believe you're going through with it. Woman respond to strength. Up to now you've been a door mat. Have her served at work and make sure it states it is for adultery, even if a no fault state. 
The whole process take at least 6 months and can be stopped if she starts doing the heavy lifting that the R needs. Or you can go forward and divorce and later date if she can earn your love back.

Hit the gym, get your wardrobe on point, hairstyle and facial hair groomed. Without changing who you are, become the type of man she would have an affair with.


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## PBDad (Apr 13, 2015)

someguy711 said:


> She tells me she wants me to keep trying and not to give up on us. That she just needs time and space but wants to keep contacting him and says I have no right to stop her.


Cheaters are indeed liars. She merely wants status-quo 

You have every right to Divorce her and happily move on with your life.

Get yourself STD checked by a doctor.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Also, by your failure to expose, you are allowing her to tell her own story first to everyone.

How often does everyone see the retraction in the paper. 

Just think Harry Reid just said "He didn't win" when recently asked about his statement that Romney did not pay taxes. The damage was done. Your wife could be saying anything about you to everyone and they will believe that.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

someguy711 said:


> My wife says shes confused about her feelings and what to do. mean while I am coming home right after work everyday and taking care of our kids who are 8 and 6. I'm doing the homework, dinner, bath, laundry etc. While she stays gone because she's confused. She says she's there for me but not regarding us and my feelings there.


You do all of this and work, but you are going to wait until June? Reach in her purse and get your balls back. If someone stole your car...oops some people find this offensive.

If someone was messing with your children you'd man up immediately. You wouldn't sit by and wait to see how things turned out. Same thing applies to an adult except, you can't make her do anything. So, you take charge of your own decisions.

This is not the 1950s any longer and men don't leave their shared houses. Equality is permeating every facet of life now. So, she cheated and is indecisive she leaves to figure it out.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

someguy711 said:


> I would love to go right to his wife in person. Problem is that he's somewhat of a celebrity. He lives in California and I'm in Ohio. I have all the messages he's sent her through DM on twitter of recent and they have no idea either. While I can't see what she wrote I can see all his messages to her. I can contact his wife via Facebook which crosses my mind quite often. It's very tempting but am I doing the right thing at this moment or do I wait and give it time like my wife asked.
> 
> My wife says shes confused about her feelings and what to do. mean while I am coming home right after work everyday and taking care of our kids who are 8 and 6. I'm doing the homework, dinner, bath, laundry etc. While she stays gone because she's confused. She says she's there for me but not regarding us and my feelings there.
> 
> ...


So you're her maid, butler, housekeeper and babysitter and you wonder why she's lost respect for you?

She's staying away? Where is she going? Yet another man?

She's treating you this way because you are acting like a wimp not a man.

Get the two books linked to below. They will explain everything.

Man up.

What kind of celebrity? Make it clear if she sees him again you will immediately file divorce and seek custody.

Tell his wife he is cheating on her. NOW


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

When Should an Affair Be Exposed

This tells you about exposure


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

It really doesn't matter if the OM is the Pope (which I highly doubt since he seems like a fine guy), exposure will most certainly snap her right out of her indecision.

If you want to R, and that is entirely your call and is a gift I personally was unwilling to offer, there is simply noway you can allow that while she remains in contact with OM. Honestly, do you care about whether she gets angry at you or do you want to keep your marriage? Make some waves, man, or you will go down with this ship.

Tell her, no. Tell her no more contact with OM, not calls, no text, no visits or the marriage is over. The thing is you have to be willing to do it, or its an empty meaningless threat that will serve no purpose.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

The first question: Given all that you know, are you still considering R with your WW? If yes, end the secrecy by exposing far and wide (try not to impact her employment unless instructed to do so by an attorney). Demand that she moves out while you get to IC to consider your terms for R. 

This is no time for timid sentiments ... you and your family have been disrespected and betrayed.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

someguy711 said:


> Recently my wife had an affair with someone else.
> *And you still are in shock and denial.*
> 
> 
> ...



The two links in my Signature below are the newbie thread...you should read this, there are links about the 180 and other important things, study this.

Also the other link is the standard evidence thread it would be good for you to read that as well. Never reveal you sources and don't expose with evidence.

Your best shot is to put a little trust in the people here and follow through on the necessary actions.

I really do wish you well, take care!


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

someguy711 said:


> She tells me she wants me to keep trying and not to give up on us. That she just needs time and space but wants to keep contacting him and says I have no right to stop her.


She’s shopping. Women love to shop. It’s like the show “House Hunters.” One house is in the perfect location while the other house has an attached garage. She wants to visit the OM for sex as a final audition. If she picks him then that’s the end for you and if she picks you it’s a tearful sex filled farewell for them. Your wife has ovaries of steel. She doesn’t want to disrupt her life or the OM’s. She can pick either guy and have a smooth transition. 

One reason that she risked an affair is because she correctly predicted that you would act the way you are. She knew she was working with a net and wouldn’t get hurt if she fell. So why not take the chance?

As others have said you need to tell the OMW and do not tell your wife that you’re doing it. She will warn the OM. He will try to intercept it or tell his wife that some crazy man thinks he had an affair with his wife. Give her your name and contact information. Tell her to feel free to contact you. 

Lawyer up and have her served. It might turn her on. What you're doing now isn't.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You need to straighten up and stand up for yourself, young man!

She doesn't get to simply declare that you are separated so she can be with another man. That isn't how marriage works. This is only happening because you are allowing it.

If she wants a separation, you must tell her to leave. The logistics don't matter. The principle of the thing is what matters at first. Then, as you are away from her and you 180, you can recover the strength to see things more clearly.

Tell her if she wants a separation, then you will do that officially. She must leave. If she won't leave, then it is strict NC with the OM and commitment to reconciling your marriage.

It's that simple. Clear the confusion and pay attention to the simple principle, which is that you will not agree that she can have her marriage and have a boyfriend at the same time.

And tell the OM's BW!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Someguy, in divorce, possession is 9/10the of an award, so to speak. We clearly have no idea what's going to happen, but to prevent any financially detrimental consequences to you, you stay in the house until a formal agreement is reached. This keeps your interest in the house firmly intact, and prevents any false accusation of abandonment. It also puts you in a good legal position when it comes to things like child custody. You are acting as the primary caregiver and courts like to maintain the status quo.

So collect all your papers, mortgage, insurance, savings, 401K, tax returns, paystubs. This will give your attorney a clearer picture of where things stand.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

OP has the affair gone physical or is it just emotional (until June)?

exposure worked for me I told just about everyone except my (at the time) 9 year old son.
exposure killed the affair in it's tracks (not saying it works every time).

my ww was angry at first, she said "How could I do this?" meaning the exposure.


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## someguy711 (Apr 15, 2015)

Wow thanks for all the advice here. The fog describes it to a t. I guess I may just have to blow it all up to get what I want. Yeah she may not want the drama but oh well. 

The affair was physical. She wants to say I made her do this. That the second another guy gave her what she wanted she would go for it. The thing is the last few months I had an epiphany about how much she meant and I would do everything to make our marriage great again. I may have lashed out at her and said hurtful things but almost always I was provoked. Not making it right and I regret everything I've done wrong. Ive done some doozies too. 

He said last night he was in a dark place. She was making sure he was ok and she's worried about him. I know this because one she told me and two I see all the direct messages he sends her on Twitter thru the email. I have them all saved on a flash drive at work too. This so called celebrity is on a very popular zombie show. So there's that.


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## someguy711 (Apr 15, 2015)

What kills me is she expects me to have sympathy for the bastard. She's worried about him and his feelings more than mine. She's saying she shouldn't feel responsible for making me feel this way. I didn't ask to be cheated on. The night she did it she said love and thanks for letting her go to the comic convention party. When in reality it was to hook up with him.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Gosh, I wish I watched The Walking Dead!!  

Seriously, you're getting great advice here. Are you all in the industry? How'd she even meet this guy? 

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's SO natural to try to find fault with yourself..."if only I'd done this...", "did I push her to cheat when I did that..." 

The answer is NO. Don't blame yourself.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

someguy711 said:


> What kills me is she expects me to have sympathy for the bastard. She's worried about him and his feelings more than mine. She's saying she shouldn't feel responsible for making me feel this way. I didn't ask to be cheated on. The night she did it she said love and thanks for letting her go to the comic convention party. When in reality it was to hook up with him.


:banghead:

Yeah, I remember back when my ex was moving out and he called one the OW in our bedroom. I was livid and slammed the door. He came downstairs and in front of the kids thought it wise to tell me how rough SHE has it because her ex is stalking her and not paying child support. Thing is, he became the typical deadbeat dad. Ahh good times.....


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

someguy711 said:


> The affair was physical. The night she did it she said love and thanks for letting her go to the comic convention party. When in reality it was to hook up with him.


When you tell the OMW also provide dates and times you know that they were together. That way the OMW can compare those dates to the whereabouts of her husband.


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## someguy711 (Apr 15, 2015)

No were are not. I'm just an accountant and she's a nurse. She just has an über obsession with celebrities. The other night I made it worse by acting crazy and running thru the house. Saying I'm taking everyone down with me. I've been an emotional mess unfortunately. My buddies and my parents whove I told said I'm so much better. She doesn't know they know. 

I think today is the day I do something for me.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

someguy711 said:


> What kills me is she expects me to have sympathy for the bastard. She's worried about him and his feelings more than mine. She's saying she shouldn't feel responsible for making me feel this way. I didn't ask to be cheated on. The night she did it she said love and thanks for letting her go to the comic convention party. When in reality it was to hook up with him.


She is WAY delusional and she is doing this to you because she knows you won't do anything about it. People can't disrespect you if you don't let them.

You need to think "tough love" and be a hardass, instead of waiting for her to make up her mind (she's just keeping you on the line in case it doesn't work out with the OM) you need to be making the decisions. 

Right now she in not your wife in her mind, tell her as long as she has feeling for him then she needs to GTFO and you want a D asap. The nicer you are to her, the worse things will get for you. This is one of the few times in your life where being an a-hole works in your favor.

You don't have to put up with this and you shouldn't. You didn't make her cheat, she could have got counseling or simply left, cheating is never justified.

You need to get angry and the sooner the better. She stabbed you in the back, don't reward her for it.


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## someguy711 (Apr 15, 2015)

Maybe today that guy who thought he had all the secrets to save the human race on TV will have all his real secrets exposed. 

I still have no clue what she sees in him. Plus why I should care about what state he's in.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

someguy711 said:


> *He said last night he was in a dark place. *She was making sure he was ok and she's worried about him.


The poor muffin!

Make sure you keep him in a dark place by telling his wife.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

someguy711 said:


> Maybe today that guy who thought he had all the secrets to save the human race on TV will have all his real secrets exposed.
> 
> I still have no clue what she sees in him. Plus why I should care about what state he's in.


you mean the guy with the mullet? the one that conned the sergeant to protect him and take him to DC?

I watch the show religiously.


there was a web site for cheaters I do not know if it still up cheaterville if it still active it would be a start


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

someguy711 said:


> Recently my wife had an affair with someone else. I do blame myself for not being the best husband possible for the past 8 years. She says right now she wants time and space. She said we are separated but we still live together. I say I will move out and live with my parents but she thinks it would be bad for the kids.
> 
> She continues to talk to him all the time like its not a big deal. She is treating this as her chance to do whatever she wants. She doesn't want the drama associated with me moving out and people knowing. She says don't give up on us and that all is not lost. She wants to meet up with him again in a couple months.


 Your wife is an unremorseful cheater, that wants the benefits and financial stability of being married to you, and at the same time the benefits of dating her lover. She also want you to not move out and to keep silent about her cheating so that she can even have the false public image benifit of being a good wife. Well that is just not how marriage works. If she is unhappy she can either work on the marriage or end the marriage, but she does not get to cheat. The fact that she is still in contact with her lover and planning to have sex with him again, is just beyond what you should be willing to sit back and take. When she tells you that you should not "give up on us and that all is not lost", you should tell her that she already gave up on us, and that with her in a full blown affair, that in reality there is no longer any us to save. 

First make copies of the proof and save it in a safe place. Then tell the other man's wife without telling your wife that you are going to do so. File for divorce and have her served fast. Remember that divorce is a process that takes time and that you can change your mind if she earns a second chance by showing true remorse and doing the heavy lifting required of a cheater to help you heal. After she is served tell her that you do not believe in an open marriage, and that you will find a younger wife that agrees with you on this. Also, tell her that her saying that she gets to cheat by just telling you that she is separated is bull and is still cheating. Go to the gym and buy new cloth. Start going out with the guys without your wife. If she does not immediately agree to give up her lover forever and to commit to the marriage, do not even consider taking her back. And no, she does not get just one more fling before she commits to stop cheating.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

someguy711 said:


> I would love to go right to his wife in person. Problem is that he's somewhat of a celebrity. He lives in California and I'm in Ohio. I have all the messages he's sent her through DM on twitter of recent and they have no idea either. While I can't see what she wrote I can see all his messages to her. I can contact his wife via Facebook which crosses my mind quite often. It's very tempting but am I doing the right thing at this moment or do I wait and give it time like my wife asked.
> 
> My wife says shes confused about her feelings and what to do. mean while I am coming home right after work everyday and taking care of our kids who are 8 and 6. I'm doing the homework, dinner, bath, laundry etc. While she stays gone because she's confused. She says she's there for me but not regarding us and my feelings there.
> 
> ...


Sheesh


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"She tells me she wants me to keep trying and not to give up on us. That she just needs time and space but wants to keep contacting him and says I have no right to stop her."

Pure cake-eating bullsh*t.

She is 'giving up' on the M by continuing the A and actually telling you she wants to go f*ck him again.

Expose the A to both your families, all friends, and especially this POSOM's BW immediately.

File D papers and serve her.

Only talk to her about D proceedings, the kids, and any ABSOLUTE necessity.

She has to see that she is about to lose her M, family, and life as she knows it...and all for a fantasy with a POS loser willing to betray his own W and family by screwing around with other men's W's.

Blow her fantasy world up ASAP.

I'd bet money that POSOM will throw her under the bus to his BW in order to save his own a** as soon as you tell her of the A.

Only when she sees her life crumbling might your WW wake up and halt her disgusting and selfish crap, and start taking steps to save your M.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Also....DO NOT give her any more time in the A.

Expose and file ASAP...no delays.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

someguy711 said:


> No were are not. I'm just an accountant and she's a nurse. She just has an über obsession with celebrities. The other night I made it worse by acting crazy and running thru the house. Saying I'm taking everyone down with me. I've been an emotional mess unfortunately. My buddies and my parents whove I told said I'm so much better. She doesn't know they know.
> 
> I think today is the day I do something for me.


Don't get down on yourself. Apologize when you go over the top, but your emotions are understandable. Many of us have been there. I've thrown water in his face and said terrible things to him. You'll get over this initial rage phase. I promise.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

someguy711 said:


> The other night I made it worse by acting crazy and running thru the house.


 Actually you made it worse because it took you so long to start "acting crazy" about her ongoing affair.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

someguy711 said:


> I'm just an accountant and she's a nurse. She just has an über obsession with celebrities.


You're pissing me off with the "just an accountant". I'm a CPA and tax attorney so stop the "just an accountant" bullshid. What you are is behaving like her stooge and puppet. The woman is playing you along and you're lapping up what scraps she throws you while she pines for this other cat looking forward to draining his balls come June. She may be uber obsessed with celebrities but your uber obsessed with her. She knows she can kick your azz around with impunity. The thing is, and it uber important. Women despise needy men they can kick around. Oh, and it don't matter how crazy you act at this point. Her respect and romantic interest in you is already at absolute zero.
Here's a thought my man. She ain't to only chick around. Its time to file a final return on this vampire.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

someguy711 said:


> Maybe today that guy who thought he had all the secrets to save the human race on TV will have all his real secrets exposed.
> 
> I still have no clue what she sees in him. Plus why I should care about what state he's in.


The state he is in is get some p*ssy state. He isn't down, hes leaning on her to get her to give him sympathy. Hes an actor, a narcissitic actor. You think he gives a sh!t about your wife. Yeah, her and about a thousand other women.

Tell his wife, then send him a message about how you are a fan too and you WILL be coming to see him since you no how well he likes your wife.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She is telling you not to give up because in her heart she knows celebrity boy only wants one thing and she wants you there waiting for her after he throws her back. I. E. she wants her cake and eat it too.

The best place to have her served is at work with adultery as the reason written on the paper work.

I'm having trouble understanding why you would want an unremorseful cheater back.

Offer to buy her a one way ticket to Caly and tell her you will put her stuff in a storage locker. Tell her you will give her parents instructions to ship her stuff to her in California.


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## someguy711 (Apr 15, 2015)

I threatened everything exposing it all. I didn't go through with it. I won't she begged me not to. Right now I'm more scared than anything. I'm just staying at my parents for tonight. I can't be around her it hurts to see her. Maybe this will allow her to figure out everything. She says she's done talking to him. I believe that. The unknown is scary.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Dude, have you ever lived alone??


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Right now I'm more scared than anything."

And this is why you are going to lose either your M or your sanity and self-respect.

Making decisions, or in your case OP NOT making them, out of fear will be the reason you fail.

It is not because you are afraid...fear is a natural thing.

It is because you are letting your fears run your life and decision-making.

As I was taught at the Naval Academy, though.....giving in to fear in making choices is the surest way to make those fears become a reality.

Exposing, filing for D, and doing the 180 are the BEST chance you have for ending the A and saving your M.

This is why nearly every poster has advised you to do it....they have seen this scenario both in their own lives and in threads here on TAM many times, and it is the ONLY thing that works.

You cannot 'nice' her back into the M.

Stop quivering in fear and fight for your M!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

someguy711 said:


> I threatened everything exposing it all. I didn't go through with it.


 Of course you "threatened" exposing but "didn't go through with it". I knew just from your few posts here that you were all back and no bite. After know you all these years, your wife knows this too.



someguy711 said:


> Right now I'm more scared than anything.





someguy711 said:


> The unknown is scary.


Fear is a very bad reason to make decisions. 



someguy711 said:


> She says she's done talking to him. I believe that.


 She is not done talking to him and you know it. You are just believing her because out of fear you want to believe her.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

someguy711 said:


> She tells me she wants me to keep trying and not to give up on us. That she just needs time and space but wants to keep contacting him and says I have no right to stop her.


Sorry, had to stop reading the thread from this post so I am sorry if I missed anything else important.


You HAVE EVERY RIGHT to demand your wife stop contacting the OM and focus on you and your family if she wants to repairs things.


You HAVE EVERY RIGHT to expect your wife to stop giving even a tiny amount of attention to anything that will hinder the "chance" to repairs things with you.

Don't feel bad for her because of her actions...they are/were her choices and should be paying in full for them. 


As mentioned, disclose to anyone and everyone that has some 'meaningful' connection to your wife to help her make a decision.

The decision may not be to stay but she cannot get to have you and the OM at the same time.

Good luck and stay strong.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Stop threatening and start doing. 

If he's a celebrity, expose him far and f-ing wide. That will send him running for cover and he will leave your quickly.

Get back to your kids.

Get checked for STDs.
See that lawyer.
File for D

You are in a one sided open marriage. This is no example to set for the kids.


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## Alecto (Sep 16, 2012)

If he's an actor, even a minor one, then he is a ticket to money and fame for his wife. Expose to her immediately, with the messages for evidence. His wife will monitor him and keep him too busy to mess with yours.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

someguy711 said:


> She said we are separated but we still live together. I say I will move out and live with my parents but she thinks it would be bad for the kids.


Of course it would be bad for the kids because she needs you there as the live in babysitter. Seriously, that's what she thinks of you as.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

someguy711 said:


> She said we are separated but we still live together. I say I will move out and live with my parents but she thinks it would be bad for the kids.
> 
> She continues to talk to him all the time like its not a big deal. She is treating this as her chance to do whatever she wants. She doesn't want the drama associated with me moving out and people knowing. She says don't give up on us and that all is not lost.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

someguy711 said:


> She wants to meet him again in June. I keep thinking can I wait until then to draw the line.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Some,
I know this is going to sound harsh, as others have noted, your wife is in a fog, what ever you say to woo her or dissuade her away from him will not work.....you need to step up here and be the man...you need to tell her that you are filing for divorce...do it and serve in a public place and then expose to everyone...if you do not i promise you this...nothing will change and she gets to live under same roof and have her boyfriend...here is the important thing you do not leave the house....do not fool yourself because know deep down this is the right course. otherwise you are a doormat.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I'm assuming it's George Clooney til I hear otherwise.

OP you were given great advice so far. For best results, do as recommended.

She knows this is nothing long term. She is keeping you on the back burner until this plays out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

See a divorce attorney to protect your rights. Do not move out of the house. Expose the affair to the other man's wife. Tell everyone about her affair. 

Did you say that this guy is a celebrity? Call a tabloid and expose the story anonymously. Personally, I would get rid of your wife. She has no respect for you and a non-remorseful cheater. She has you placed as a Plan B. You deserve a better life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I am a journalist. Do journalists like stories about celebrities who cheat? Too bloody right they do. Use the power of the press.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

So sorry you are here. Seriously though man up and expose. Seperate bank accounts and stop supporting here financially emotionally whatever.

Call his wife. Your wife only wants you around for a babysitter, cleaner, and paycheck. 

Essentially she wants to bang the other guy while you do the dirty work.

She knows this wont last, and is keeping you chilled until then. But even if she does eventually come back you can bet your bottom dollar she will do it again becuase you acted like a wimp the first time and offered up no consequences of what so ever.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sports Fan said:


> So sorry you are here. Seriously though man up and expose. Seperate bank accounts and stop supporting here financially emotionally whatever.
> 
> Call his wife. Your wife only wants you around for a babysitter, cleaner, and paycheck.
> 
> ...


Listen we know this is tough but if you want any chance you have to BLOW THIS UP.
You have gotten great advice here I am done.
Good luck.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

So, if the POSOM is from The Walking Dead, is this the quickest thread in TAM history to become a zombie thread ?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

barbados said:


> So, if the POSOM is from The Walking Dead, is this the quickest thread in TAM history to become a zombie thread ?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkxdosn8sOo


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

someguy711 said:


> He said last night he was in a dark place. She was making sure he was ok and she's worried about him. I know this because one she told me and two I see all the direct messages he sends her on Twitter thru the email. I have them all saved on a flash drive at work too. This so called celebrity is on a very popular zombie show. So there's that.


 You should let him and your wife know that if he thinks he's in a dark place now that he ain't seen nothing yet and as far as she goes, I would tell her to shove this guy straight up her dark place and you'll help her with your foot.

Please for Christ sake wake up, and unload this poor excuse of a woman. Stop worrying about her feelings because she sure as hell ain't worrying about yours. Tell her you don't care to hang in there until she works her problem out. 

Let everyone know what she's doing and if she gets pissed tell her she can pull up stakes anytime she wants and go with him to his dark place. Don't make it easy on her for anything.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

someguy711 said:


> Right now I'm more scared than anything.


What the hell is wrong with you Dawg. Are you that freaking weak and needy? My advise is to see a psychiatrist. In the interim, I've got some news for you my man. You don't have any reason to be scared. When you're old lady is counting the days when she can meet her part time boyfriend while you babysit the kids, rubbing your nose in their ongoing relationship, you don't have anything else to lose. Its been gone a while. By your own admission, she's already ditched you, albeit she's keeping her options open for you to be a rest stop as she continues to be a groupie for this guy. If you haven't figured it out yet, you're the walking dead.


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## PBDad (Apr 13, 2015)

OK, you act not talk. 

You do not threaten to expose, of course she does not want this. Truth stops affairs. She does not want to stop.

Act = Manliness
No Act (talk...) = ****. 
Mentioned already, just a repeat.

Do not tell her your plans. Execute your plans. Fully. Take control.
No talk. Action. Be decisive. It just might save your marriage.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

OP,

I'm sorry but I think you should *call you wife and see if she'll give your balls back! *You are acting about as wimpy as it gets. Gains some self respect. You have been given some good advice here. 

1)Expose to the other man's wife through any means you have NOW. 

2)Expose to your wife's family and your family NOW.

3) Stop being a doormat. File paperwork for divorce IMMEDIATELY. You can always stop the proceedings. Stop letting her have her cake and eat it too. You are telling her that you aren't worthy of her by accepting the situation. Stop it!

I wish your response to your cheating wife was unusual...Unfortunately, it is not. Too many betrayed spouses think if they are nice and let things be their wayward spouse will recognize how wrong they have been and wake up. It doesn't work like that. 

Man-up!


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

:iagree:

See the above. 

Don't threaten FFS, DO IT. Expose this affair. See a lawyer now and learn what your options are and file for divorce.

And kick her to the curb. If she wants to be with this guy in June, then tell her not to wait. Tell her to go...now so she can spend the rest of her life with him if she wants. Tell her she hasn't the slightest clue about what "hurt" means, she has no idea what it's like to be cheated on so she can just shut-up about her lover in his dark place

If you are so afraid of her leaving then you need to sit down and take a good look at yourself and ask your why you are so afraid. If you can't face your fears you will never be able to overcome them.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

1st as to your attitude about celebrities-----this guy is a reality tv guy----reality tv celebs, are a dime a dozen----and most of them make very little money----almost all of them, have to supplement their income in other ways, SO HE IS NO BIG THING

as to how you handle this----you need to draw your line in the sand----NO MORE CONTACT, of any kind WHATSOEVER----She may be telling you she is done talking with her lover, but she also may be taking this underground with a burner-----you MUST BE VIGILANT

She seems to be wanting to get to June, so she can see this guy again---------your line in the sand MUST include the fact that, THAT MEET UP WITH HER LOVER CAN NOT HAPPEN-----you let her know in no uncertain terms, if she meets up with him----the mge. is thru/done/over

You back this up by doing the following----go online and find the OHIO Family Codes----print out a blank copy of the Divorce packet, WITH property settlement, and the CUSTODY packet----and place them in your home----WHERE SHE HAS TO FIND THEM-----if anything is gonna shake her out of her fog---divorce and custody packets will do the trick---------she should at that point know you are deadly serious-----and it should then hit her, that she very well may lose everything-----and just maybe a scumbag reality jerk from southern calif, who has probably had many other women----is going to very possibly wreck her mge, and her kids lives

You stay in your house----and stop doing everything for her----make sure she pulls her weight, as to family responsibilities


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

jnj express said:


> 1st as to your attitude about celebrities-----*this guy is a reality tv guy*----reality tv celebs, are a dime a dozen----and most of them make very little money----almost all of them, have to supplement their income in other ways, SO HE IS NO BIG THING
> 
> as to how you handle this----you need to draw your line in the sand----NO MORE CONTACT, of any kind WHATSOEVER----She may be telling you she is done talking with her lover, but she also may be taking this underground with a burner-----you MUST BE VIGILANT
> 
> ...


There's a reality show about Zombies???? :scratchhead:


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> There's a reality show about Zombies???? :scratchhead:


Yes it's called The Kardashians.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Yes it's called The Kardashians.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:rofl:


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Yes it's called The Kardashians.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

someguy711 said:


> Recently my wife had an affair with someone else. I do blame myself for not being the best husband possible for the past 8 years. She says right now she wants time and space. She said we are separated but we still live together. I say I will move out and live with my parents but she thinks it would be bad for the kids.
> 
> She continues to talk to him all the time like its not a big deal. She is treating this as her chance to do whatever she wants. She doesn't want the drama associated with me moving out and people knowing. She says don't give up on us and that all is not lost. She wants to meet up with him again in a couple months. My question is what should I do here? I love her but I know if she goes and sees him again that I'm done with it all.
> 
> He doesn't know that I know nor does his wife. Part of me is tempted to contact his wife which I found out who she was. Let her know what's going on. I feel all is lost here and its only been 4 weeks since it happened.



My oh my, she wants her cake and to eat it too. Don't let her. Inform the OM's wife immediately, illuminate their little world to all and sundry, maybe the rose coloured glasses will come off. You are her Plan B, you must have some self respect, you cannot live in a house together, stay married and just let her do what she wants. Tell her, she either leaves the house and signs divorce papers or cuts all contact with him. Don't make it easy on her. The start on the 180. Do not waste any time.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

someguy711 said:


> Wow thanks for all the advice here. The fog describes it to a t. I guess I may just have to blow it all up to get what I want. Yeah she may not want the drama but oh well.
> 
> The affair was physical. She wants to say I made her do this. That the second another guy gave her what she wanted she would go for it. The thing is the last few months I had an epiphany about how much she meant and I would do everything to make our marriage great again. I may have lashed out at her and said hurtful things but almost always I was provoked. Not making it right and I regret everything I've done wrong. Ive done some doozies too.
> 
> He said last night he was in a dark place. She was making sure he was ok and she's worried about him. I know this because one she told me and two I see all the direct messages he sends her on Twitter thru the email. I have them all saved on a flash drive at work too. This so called celebrity is on a very popular zombie show. So there's that.


Regardless of who did what to whom, an affair is NEVER justified, if there is a problem in the marriage then both parties must try and figure it out, not bring in an A into the mix. This is not your fault!


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

someguy711 said:


> I threatened everything exposing it all. I didn't go through with it. I won't she begged me not to. Right now I'm more scared than anything. I'm just staying at my parents for tonight. I can't be around her it hurts to see her. Maybe this will allow her to figure out everything. She says she's done talking to him. I believe that. The unknown is scary.


Dude, you have the power to turn all this around and get control back, all you have to do is FOLLOW OUR ADVICE.

You are letting your fear tie your hands behind your back and paralyze you. It's like you are stuck in an avalanche and you are just going to sit there waiting to get rescued instead of digging yourself out. It's going to take work and doing things you don't want to do but it works. You are blind to it because you are too close to the situation but us outsiders the answers are obvious. 

Your story is like the hundreds of others on here and they all follow the same script. You are not the exception to the rule, your WW will act in predictable ways so knowing that if you follow the advice given she will change her tune, they always do.

You are just going to have to take a leap of faith and take a chance on what we are telling you because what you are doing now isn't working. What do you have to lose?

ETA: The minute you stop blaming yourself for what your WW choose to do on her own (and accept that she WANTED to do it) you will feel 100x better. There were many other choices she could have made, this was the worse.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Yes it's called The Kardashians.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not trying to highjack the thread, but I've often wondered what these chicks have where all they have to do is breath to make millions and have people wanting to eat peanuts out of their crap.


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## someguy711 (Apr 15, 2015)

She said she wouldn't talk to him anymore and they aren't going to meet again. I don't know if that's true or not. 

I did set up counseling for us to go to. I want her to hear that what she did was not ok. Maybe hearing it from someone other than me saying its ok to cheat on your spouse will wake her up. 

If she doesn't go to counseling then I know its truly all over.


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## someguy711 (Apr 15, 2015)

I told her I told my friends. I told her that I told my boss. I told her that I let them know who it was. She wasn't happy but oh well I didn't ask for this to happen. I have every right I feel to tell whoever the hell I want to.


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## PBDad (Apr 13, 2015)

She will repeat her performnce. She has had a taste of strange. She likes it. the excitement, the naughtiness, the newness.

What solidifies it is your weak response. Her promise to stay away is a lie. All shes doing is buying time. 

You have provided no consequences for her behaviour hence the anticipated future performances until you do take action.

You did not 'mean' her into an affair and you certainly cannot 'nice' her back.

Come June it will all become crystal clear to you. But, alas... too late.

as someone said, MAN UP


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## PBDad (Apr 13, 2015)

someguy711 said:


> I told her I told my friends. I told her that I told my boss. I told her that I let them know who it was. She wasn't happy but oh well I didn't ask for this to happen. I have every right I feel to tell whoever the hell I want to.


Why are you still telling her anything. Super 'Beta' response by you. Expose far and wide and you'll have support of family and friends all dealing with her in their ways. Explain her before she tells them you're the evil one in the relationship.

You would be sick to your stomach the lies she tells her lover about you. She is protecting her emotional high. You are standing in the way of that false happiness she is experiencing.

Start working her state to your advantage, not hers.

(Do a search on BETA on these forums. You'll learn a lot)


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

someguy711 said:


> She said she wouldn't talk to him anymore and they aren't going to meet again. I don't know if that's true or not.
> 
> I did set up counseling for us to go to. I want her to hear that what she did was not ok. Maybe hearing it from someone other than me saying its ok to cheat on your spouse will wake her up.
> 
> If she doesn't go to counseling then I know its truly all over.


this is nicing her back, it won't work


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

SomeGuy,

You promised your wife not to tell OM's wife that her husband stuck his penis in your wife's vagina. Why? Because she wants to think about how she liked it and whether it could happen again and maybe frequently. That was a foolish promise. Are you a man of your word and therefore will not break it?

Well, your wife made marriage vows, a sort promise, too, and she doesn't seem to broken up by violating them.

Once you tell OM's wife, OM will likely "blow up" your wife's cell phone and/or send her angry messages. If your wife then comes to you and is angry about how you have hurt OM and his sacred marriage, you can reply that you understand how married people feel pain because of infidelity, given your personal experience.

Tell your wife that if she needs to figure things out, you can't stop her. You love her and want her to be happy. Therefore, you are cutting her loose. She can go and be with him. Only you are not going to be her husband.

Stand up straight and look her in the eye when speaking. Do not be needy. Be polite but detached. Hit the gym. Don't drink. If you have any bad habits, like smoking, now is a good time to quit. Work on yourself. Ignore her cheating arse.


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## kwood (Feb 9, 2015)

You sould reade my post 3times i wanted veary much to save my marriage i would let her rug sweep and take her back.people who do this are liers and cheats and care about nobody but them selfs.you should file for divorce and let her have her orther man. If she truly changes you could always remarry her .but let her no you will not put up with this please read my post .dont make the same mistakes i did.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

someguy711 said:


> Maybe hearing it from someone other than me saying its ok to cheat on your spouse will wake her up.


I think you're confusing her with someone who gives a crap. Unless she has an IQ of an idiot, you cannot possible believe that she has to hear it from a professional counselor to know its not ok to cheat. But here's the thing you need to get through your head, whether you like it or not. Women that are in love with their husbands not only know its wrong, but have no desire to bang another man. Run it by some other women if you don't believe it.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I also do not understand this promise not to disclose.
She has broken her vows, violated your trust, lied, cheated, and betrayed you. She has lost the right to expect you to keep a confidence. 

And this confidence is the very source of her betrayal.

I appreciate the fact that you gave your word, but consider to whom it was given and about what. Then call up the OMW and spill your guts.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

This is what you do. Tell her you have decided to get paid for your pain, and suffering by selling your story to the National Inquirer. 

As for her being a grown woman and not knowing it was wrong, shows how desperate you are to excuse her.

I say with her in nursing, and medical being a field with lots of affairs, it's more likely she is a old hand at cheating, and has just gotten to the point of not trying to hide it anymore.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

The National Inquirer

Married Walking Dead star destroys 2 marriages.

Tell her to get ready to read about herself at the checkout counter along with everyone else.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

It's Herschel isn't it?

If some celebrity was banging my old lady I would be thinking of ways in which to maximize financial gain for myself.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I'm assuming it's George Clooney til I hear otherwise.
> 
> OP you were given great advice so far. For best results, do as recommended.
> 
> She knows this is nothing long term. She is keeping you on the back burner until this plays out.





PhillyGuy13 said:


> It's Herschel isn't it?
> 
> If some celebrity was banging my old lady I would be thinking of ways in which to maximize financial gain for myself.


With this comment...



someguy711 said:


> Maybe today *that guy who thought he had all the secrets to save the human race* on TV will have all his real secrets exposed.
> 
> I still have no clue what she sees in him. Plus why I should care about what state he's in.


OP seems to have implied that it's Eugene.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I was going through the cast list. How did we land on him? I should re read what I missed last night.

EDIT- ah there it is thanks Gus.

Wonder if he wears the mullet all the time?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

someguy711 said:


> She tells me she wants me to keep trying and not to give up on us. That she just needs time and space but wants to keep contacting him and says I have no right to stop her.


Of course you have no right to stop her from doing anything.

What you DO have the right to do is to stop LETTING her do it while keeping YOU.

Here's the basic psychology of women: It goes back to caveman days. We want strong men who will protect us. Period. ALLOWING her to cheat in your face proves to her that you are WEAK. And therefore, instantly, you become UNATTRACTIVE. And the OM becomes attractive because HE went and got what he wanted. THAT is strength, that's attractive, so she's drawn to him.

Erego, if YOU want her to want YOU, you have to become strong. How do you do that? By telling her you will NOT wait for her - him or you. By acknowledging whatever way you weren't a great husband and by informing her how you are changing THAT. And then saying 'but I will not sit here and wait for you to choose me after you have your fun. Him or me, choose right now.' And when she says she still has to see him, you say fine. And then you walk straight to the phone, in front of her, and call your lawyer for an appointment. And then you call her mom and dad and tell them that she's committing adultery and they can come and get her. And then you call her siblings and tell them that she's committing adultery and they can support her because you're divorcing her because she won't give OM up. And then you call OMW (get her number ahead of time; he's a celebrity, you can pay to get her number) and tell her that your wife is boinking her husband.

Will she be mad? Or course. Ignore her. Will she tell you that YOU have ruined any chance? Of course. Ignore her. Ignore everything she says after you expose to her family unless/until she says "You were right, and I'm sorry I did this."

WILL she say that? At this point, it's a crap shoot. But then, it already was before she cheated and she was unhappy in the marriage.

But I WILL guarantee you one thing: If you sit there, in the same house, letting her watch you watch her cheat, while you do nothing...she will NEVER choose you. It's basic female psychology.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

someguy711 said:


> I told her I told my friends. I told her that I told my boss.


No, no, no.

You tell HER friends, you tell HER boss, you tell HER family. She doesn't care if YOUR peeps know, she cares if HER peeps know.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

turnera said:


> No, no, no.
> 
> You tell HER friends, you tell HER boss, you tell HER family. She doesn't care if YOUR peeps know, she cares if HER peeps know.


The first person you should tell is the OMs wife!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## someguy711 (Apr 15, 2015)

I did tell her hairdresser today who cuts my hair too. I don't know if that's a start but this all really sucks. I'll be strong and ignore. Hard but I think it's what's for the best.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Someguy, we should have told you that there's a METHOD to doing this. You don't go around and whisper about your wife, one person at a time. That's not exposure. That's chicken.

The strong man who wants to get his wife back just flat out says 'stop or you lose me' and when she says no, you say 'fine' and THEN you go DIRECTLY to the phone and call HER important people, one after another, and tell them all, in one sitting, before she has time to go call the rest of them and say 'SG's gone crazy, he's abusive, he's blowing this out of proportion, I'm afraid for my life,' or whatever lie she'll tell to cover up what she's doing.

By YOU calling them all at once, and being the FIRST one to tell them, she can't spin this on you. She will then have to face her important people and admit what she's doing and then she'll have to make a choice - keep cheating and start losing friends/family or stop cheating and keep it all.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Told her hairdresser! Someguy my man, you can screw up a one car funeral. My "hairdresser" salon owner friend got me into escorting her female clients. You're now known as the local man who shares his wife with a movie star. Can I have your autograph?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

someguy

Get your act together. I understand your hurt but you have to calm down.

Exposure is correct when done the right way.

Contact the OM's wife and expose the Affair.

Then deal with your wife.

HM


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## someguy711 (Apr 15, 2015)

To clarify the hairdresser is a long time friend from high school to. It was more so getting it off my chest. No I'm not going around from one person to the next throwing my wife under the bus. I'm trying to figure out what the best way to do this is. I'm not going around bashing her I'm trying to get advice from different people that I've known for a while what the best way to do this is.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Tell POSOM's BW!!

This is the priority to end the A.

Then expose to her family and friends to prevent her painting YOU as the monster in all of this to justify her sh*tty behavior.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> I'm trying to get advice from different people that I've known for a while what the best way to do this is.


Then let me tell you something. NORMAL people, people you know in real life, have not had experience with infidelity. If any experience, they've dealt with it once in their life, and probably incorrectly. They probably did all the wrong things you did - beg, cry, promise, keep the dirty secret...

The reason you come to a place like this is because you have the cumulative wisdom of dozens/hundreds of posters who not only have DEALT with infidelity, but have become EXPERTS on what not to do. I've been helping people like you for about 15 years. I've seen what works, what doesn't. I've seen the pattern. I've seen the script that ALL cheaters use, including your wife. I've seen the script that betrayed husbands like you use, including begging, crying, pleading, waiting, and promising to keep it a secret.

And I - and all the others here - are telling you that based on our cumulative experience, she will NEVER choose you if you don't (1) expose so that the affair is too embarrassing to continue, (2) stand firm on not allowing her to ever contact him again or you file for divorce, and (3) show her the way home - by giving up the affair, owning her responsibility, and vowing to become a better than ever wife.

If she doesn't see that strength in you, her INNER subconscious simply CANNOT respect you or want you. Even if she wanted to, she couldn't. It's basic psychology.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

someguy711 said:


> I did tell her hairdresser today who cuts my hair too. I don't know if that's a start but this all really sucks. I'll be strong and ignore. Hard but I think it's what's for the best.


Can you explain why you think its for the best? The best what?

The instant she believes that you are rocking her world she will yell and scream and say all kinds of crap.
But she won't stop.

So keeping a lid on everything at this point ENABLES the affair. Is that really what you want?

Actually, what do you want? To save the marriage or to leave?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

turnera said:


> Then let me tell you something. NORMAL people, people you know in real life, have not had experience with infidelity. If any experience, they've dealt with it once in their life, and probably incorrectly. They probably did all the wrong things you did - beg, cry, promise, keep the dirty secret...
> 
> The reason you come to a place like this is because you have the cumulative wisdom of dozens/hundreds of posters who not only have DEALT with infidelity, but have become EXPERTS on what not to do. I've been helping people like you for about 15 years. I've seen what works, what doesn't. I've seen the pattern. I've seen the script that ALL cheaters use, including your wife. I've seen the script that betrayed husbands like you use, including begging, crying, pleading, waiting, and promising to keep it a secret.
> 
> ...


Does that apply to cheating husbands too, or just cheating wives?


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> Tell POSOM's BW!!
> 
> This is the priority to end the A.
> 
> Then expose to her family and friends to prevent her painting YOU as the monster in all of this to justify her sh*tty behavior.


I think you'll find this suggestion has been wilfully ignored


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## someguy711 (Apr 15, 2015)

I want the marriage saved. I want her to realize that what we have is something awesome. 

Thank you for the advice. The counselor said contacting the other spouse wasn't a good idea but the more and more I read it seems exposing the situation out in the open would stop it all. She seems like what she did was perfectly within reason because of the way I treated her over the years she said. Was I perfect very far from it but I know I did do a lot of things for her and to be cheated on is a slap in my face.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

someguy711 said:


> I want the marriage saved. I want her to realize that what we have is something awesome.


*That marriage is DEAD*. If there is any marriage with your wife, it has to be a new one where the two of you are equally committed to making it work. But FIRST you have to bury the old marriage via a divorce.



> Thank you for the advice. The counselor said contacting the other spouse wasn't a good idea but the more and more I read it seems exposing the situation out in the open would stop it all. She seems like what she did was perfectly within reason because of the way I treated her over the years she said. Was I perfect very far from it but I know I did do a lot of things for her and to be cheated on is a slap in my face.


Find yourself another counselor for this one doesn't know squat about how to destroy an affair - exposing it to the light of day and to those closest to the cheating spouse.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

technovelist said:


> Does that apply to cheating husbands too, or just cheating wives?


Barring abuse or some other dysfunctional issue, this is basic psychology and I've seen it work on men AND women. 

However, you must keep in mind that men and women typically cheat for different reasons. Men usually cheat because they're not getting enough sex (or they just want more) because sex frequency often declines in marriage, and women usually cheat to get an emotional connection, which also often declines in marriage.

So when you deal with either one, you have to keep in mind what that cheater's goal is - sex, or emotional connection. 

You can expose, but if you aren't giving the cheater a REASON to come back to the marriage, it won't succeed. Some here believe a betrayed spouse should not factor, but I disagree. If the woman had no connection with her husband, she needs to hear that he gets it now, that he lost that connection and will get it back. If the man wasn't getting enough sex or it became vanilla sex, he needs to hear that his wife gets it and will make a point to spice up their sex life. And so on.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

someguy711 said:


> The counselor said contacting the other spouse wasn't a good idea but the more and more I read it seems exposing the situation out in the open would stop it all.


First, exposing is NOT a guarantee that it will stop. Sometimes the cheater will feel backed up against a wall and will willfully CHOOSE the affair partner and dare her family/friends to dump her, cos she ain't gonna quit. That does happen sometimes. It really depends on your wife, and on what her important people do when they find out.

But know it likely won't stop UNLESS you expose. Sure, he may dump her once he gets more free sex, but in HER mind, she'll not have then chosen YOU. That requires you being strong.

Which leads to: Second, you have to understand HOW to expose. You don't call OMW and your wife's peeps and whine to them. You say to her and her peeps: "I love my wife but I won't share her; if she won't give him up, I will be divorcing her. I'm here to inform you that I WANT to stay married to her, but I WON'T stay married if she doesn't stop cheating." And then follow through with filing for divorce to prove you are serious, if she refuses to stop. She has to see that strength from you, that knowledge that you acknowledge what you did wrong but it did NOT justify her cheating and that you respect yourself too much to stand by and wait for her to get it out of her system.

Again, remember that she'll be furious. Good. That means exposure worked. If she didn't care about them knowing, she wouldn't get mad. So sit back, say nothing else, and let the exposure do its work.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

someguy711 said:


> I want the marriage saved. I want her to realize that what we *have *is something awesome.


*had

Want to save it? Four little words: "I want a divorce"
It can only be saved if she wants it more than you and that won't happened until she has felt she has lost you. The more you want her, the less she'll want you. 



> Thank you for the advice. The counselor said contacting the other spouse wasn't a good idea but the more and more I read it seems exposing the situation out in the open would stop it all.


Your counselor is wrong but most are not really equipped to handle infidelity. They just want you to feel better, not solve your problems.

If the OMW found out first wouldn't you want her to tell you? 



> She seems like what she did was perfectly within reason because of the way I treated her over the years she said. Was I perfect very far from it but I know I did do a lot of things for her and to be cheated on is a slap in my face.


She has to make you the bad guy to justify the affair to herself, otherwise she'd have to accept that she is a horrible person for doing this. Blameshifting.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Stop guessing what you think is best and read what people who have been in your shoes have recommended. You continue to accept her infidelity. Put on your big boy pants and take a stand. You cannot nice this relationship back to health.


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## kwood (Feb 9, 2015)

you sound so much like me. I was in a bad place the people on here helped me more then I can say.listen to them.your wife said she will not see him anymore I have heard that before .if you want to save your marriage you have to be tough. I WAS A DOORMATE push her out of your life show her that you can and will go on with out her.i was married 23 years and she made me feel like her cheating was my fault.she never gave up on her boyfriend and now I getting divorced.it is a very hard thing but you can make it.and so can you stand up to her be a man and not her plan b. and may god bless you


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

someguy711 said:


> I want the marriage saved. I want her to realize that what we have is something awesome.
> 
> Thank you for the advice. The counselor said contacting the other spouse wasn't a good idea but the more and more I read it seems exposing the situation out in the open would stop it all. She seems like what she did was perfectly within reason because of the way I treated her over the years she said. Was I perfect very far from it but I know I did do a lot of things for her and to be cheated on is a slap in my face.


SG, not all counselors specialize in infidelity, and even those that do have differing views on how to deal with it. Some will flat out tell you to rug-sweep, some will tell you the A happened because you were inadequate. Some are quacks. Others are very good at helping couples overcome the pain and teach couples how to effectively communicate. So if one counselor isn't a good fit, try to find a different one.

I can promise you two things, 1) the marriage will never survive as long as the A continues, 2) people on TAM will not give up on you.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

someguy711 said:


> I'm not going around bashing her I'm trying to get advice from different people that I've known for a while what the best way to do this is.


Then why even bother coming here and asking for help? I guess there's no need to avail yourself of the collective wisdom of those who have been in your shoes, and it's better to ask people who have no experience with infidelity. 

Good luck with the rugsweeping. You'll be back someday posting things are worse and she's prego with OM's child.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

There's no need to drag this thread out, it's obvious he's not going to listen no matter what is said on this board.

We see this over and over. Some people simply just have to learn the hard way.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

No I think he's still listening See post #130


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

someguy711 said:


> I want the marriage saved. I want her to realize that what we have is something awesome.
> 
> Thank you for the advice. The counselor said contacting the other spouse wasn't a good idea but the more and more I read it seems exposing the situation out in the open would stop it all. She seems like what she did was perfectly within reason because of the way I treated her over the years she said. Was I perfect very far from it but I know I did do a lot of things for her and to be cheated on is a slap in my face.


You have proof here your counselor is no good. He will probably blame you for the whole thing and ask about your mommy issues.:rofl:


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## Colonel Angus (Apr 11, 2015)

Sir, the scoundrel she's been cheating with is more than likely in it for the thrill and enjoyment of the forbidden fruit. The last thing most of his ilk want is to saddle themselves with a woman with kids from a previous marriage. Once he realizes that you are giving him your cheatin' wife to him, he's more likely to cut her loose.

In the meantime sir, recover "the family jewels" and serve your Jezebel divorce papers.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> You have proof here your counselor is no good. He will probably blame you for the whole thing and ask about your mommy issues.:rofl:


Yep! This guy has a very dangerous MC who obviously has no clue about infidelity.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

3putt said:


> Yep! This guy has a very dangerous MC who obviously has no clue about infidelity.


Actually, the MC is probably exactly what Someguy was looking for. Someone who will put the blame on him so he doesn't have to take a hard look at the wife. He can have the illusion that he can fix himself and thereby make her the perfect wife she longs to become. I'm beginning to believe old Someguy is Coppertop's (sex in marriage) double first cousin.


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## PBDad (Apr 13, 2015)

Easiest natural thing for you to do is man up. Let your testosterone flow. Your mans heart knows how to deal with this. ---And it aint through weakness, it's decisive manly action. Your positive acts to sever her from your marriage and soundly reject her acts of betrayal.

Contact OM wife like right now. Today. Blow this up large. Her family and her friends. do it. As soon as his wife finds out, OM will dump your wife double quick. You wife was just a piece of a$$ to him anyway. Then sit back and watch your wife's reaction to his disloyalty to her. Get the popcorn!!!

Have her served.

If she crawls back, you make her own her sh%t. Or just keep the divorce moving along until you get what you want. Her or just next her to the dump. Your choice.

You and you alone are judge, jury and executioner. you pick the ending YOU want not hers.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"The counselor said contacting the other spouse wasn't a good idea"

The counselor is an idiot.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> Actually, the MC is probably exactly what Someguy was looking for. Someone who will put the blame on him so he doesn't have to take a hard look at the wife. He can have the illusion that he can fix himself and thereby make her the perfect wife she longs to become. I'm beginning to believe old Someguy is Coppertop's (sex in marriage) double first cousin.


Either way, he's screwed if he keeps up like this.

Read this SG, every word. Page 1 is all you need, the rest is just fluff. This is how it should be done. ALL IN ONE DAY!

Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Colonel Angus said:


> Sir, the scoundrel she's been cheating with is more than likely in it for the thrill and enjoyment of the forbidden fruit. *The last thing most of his ilk want is to saddle themselves with a woman with kids from a previous marriage.* Once he realizes that you are giving him your cheatin' wife to him, he's more likely to cut her loose.
> 
> In the meantime sir, recover "the family jewels" and serve your Jezebel divorce papers.


That's so true. On Loveshack's OM/OW section you can read deluded woman after deluded woman thinking that OM wants to leave his marriage for them only after they have destroyed that families do they find the OM is not going to destroy his. 

That's why once it goes sexually PA, it is better to D. Even if she tries to R they still spend so much time pining for OM. **** that. I know in the beginning it hurts but it's way easier to get a new girl to fall in love with you that to try and get your wife to fall back in love with you.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

He is weak....it does not matter if he listens, if he won't act it is lost.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't think anyone's said this yet, but take it to heart: 

You have to be willing to LOSE your marriage (i.e., walk away from it), in order to save it. 

Meaning, she has to KNOW that you will divorce her if she doesn't stop this, or she won't stop it.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
What we are trying to tell you is that you are behaving irrationally. You are so deep in the forest that you cannot see the immense size of it for all of the trees in your way. If you realize nothing else from any of this allow this one thought through. You cannot change your wife, you cannot. The reason there have been love potions throughout human history is because of that simple fact. You cannot make someone have feelings for you, I know, I have tried unsuccessfully for many years. You can try the 180 or you can try doing exactly what your wife asks but either way you cannot change her feelings for you. The 180 may make her realize how life would be without you but if the feelings are not there any interest she shows would only be curiosity, the "what am I missing" type.

You holding on to this thought that she will suddenly snap awake and come running back is delusional and self destructive. Only on very rare occasions does a WS have a true epiphany and realize their error of their ways but it is seldom and infrequent and usually after they hit rock bottom emotionally. She has you held captive and she knows it and that gives her all of the power to do as she pleases. If this is the life you choose for yourself then so be it but know going in that you will be and feel like this from now on. You will be no more to her than an afterthought, if that. She will hurt you again, not out of malice but rather out of indifference to you and your feelings. If you want your wife back then go find one that feels for you as you do for her and you can realize that hope. Leave this woman to her own devices and remove your heart from her sights lest she fire again. Good fortune to you.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> What we are trying to tell you is that you are behaving irrationally. You are so deep in the forest that you cannot see the immense size of it for all of the trees in your way. If you realize nothing else from any of this allow this one thought through. You cannot change your wife, you cannot. The reason there have been love potions throughout human history is because of that simple fact. You cannot make someone have feelings for you, I know, I have tried unsuccessfully for many years. You can try the 180 or you can try doing exactly what your wife asks but either way you cannot change her feelings for you. The 180 may make her realize how life would be without you but if the feelings are not there any interest she shows would only be curiosity, the "what am I missing" type.
> 
> You holding on to this thought that she will suddenly snap awake and come running back is delusional and self destructive. Only on very rare occasions does a WS have a true epiphany and realize their error of their ways but it is seldom and infrequent and usually after they hit rock bottom emotionally. She has you held captive and she knows it and that gives her all of the power to do as she pleases. If this is the life you choose for yourself then so be it but know going in that you will be and feel like this from now on. You will be no more to her than an afterthought, if that. She will hurt you again, not out of malice but rather out of indifference to you and your feelings. If you want your wife back then go find one that feels for you as you do for her and you can realize that hope. Leave this woman to her own devices and remove your heart from her sights lest she fire again. Good fortune to you.


:iagree:

SG,

Listen I have been here long enough to know that the posters you have helping you (men and women) genuinely want to see you pull through this. God knows they don't always agree but they have a lot of experience.

What I see is that you don't really have the tools to implement this. That is not a slam, some posters do they just need confirmation for their gut from others and maybe some information based on experience and it falls into place.

Maybe the majority of people who come here are in your same situation. Broken, ignorant and hurting. Infidelity is unlike any other problem in a relationship, it strikes at the heart of a relationship like nothing else (trust, respect, friendship, etc all slain). It unlikely someone will be prepared for it in advance.

You will grow quite a bit as you walk through this, you will probably not recognize yourself a year from now, but you have to put the effort in. 

The place to start is to strengthen yourself, this is where the 180 comes in, it begins to detach you so you can stand up for yourself. Part of it is as Tunera said you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it.

From that strengthened position you begin to make good decision from a position of strength rather that from one of weakness.

This has nothing to do with being a jerk, smarta$$, or getting revenge. No one here is suggesting that and if you are hearing that message, then ask because I am sure you will find that was not the intention.

Its still early and I don't see that you have made any really damaging mistakes yet.

Perhaps your biggest danger ATM is assuming something and running off and acting before you really get the program.

Do the reading here (start with the two links in my signature below) and come up with a plan, share it here, then implement it with a determined but benevolent indifference.


Allowing consequences, boundaries and actions to do most of the speaking for you, until there is some sign of remorsefulness on the part of your wife. At this point you do not need to be engaging much except to state your position *"I will not share my woman with another man, and I will act to secure my future happiness with a woman who gets that"*

Keep in touch and keep updating here, people will help you in real time you will see.

Stop reacting and start planning and sticking to the plan. Be a bit more logical.

Take care!


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## May1968 (Dec 16, 2014)

I don't know that he is behaving so irrationally, he is behaving very much like some of us did and unfortunately he will have the same disastrous results that we did. As previously said, you have to be willing to lose a marriage in order to save it. Take charge and be a man.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

May1968 said:


> As previously said, you have to be willing to lose a marriage in order to save it. Take charge and be a man.


To state it another way, you have to let them know its your way or the highway, if you decide they are worth the indiscretions.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

someguy711 said:


> I told her I told my friends. I told her that I told my boss. I told her that I let them know who it was. She wasn't happy but oh well I didn't ask for this to happen. I have every right I feel to tell whoever the hell I want to.


You are too kind, don't stop there, tell the OM's wife, your family, her family, her friends, and anyone who will listen. I am not kidding. Telling people at your work is neither here nor there I am sure. Your wife is trying to hide this because deep in her gut she knows its is so wrong and probably wont last and if everyone doesn't know about you can be her plan B without any shame, guilt or consequences. Don't let her play that game.


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## gizbug (Apr 20, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> One thing I've learned here since being at TAM is that you must expose the affair to the other man's wife. And check out the 180 and do it.


What is this "180?"


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

gizbug said:


> What is this "180?"


The 180


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