# My Husband Can't Forgive and Forget!



## sadsamantha (May 2, 2013)

Hi Guys,

I'm truly at my wits end. My husband says i've ruined his life, and married him on a lie, and we've only been married less than a year!

Background: Met my husband 9 years ago when i was 19, fell madly in love with him, moved countries to be with him, all was great for a few years. Then things started getting bad and him not treating me great as i 'annoyed him', i think this was a lot based on the fact that after i first met him briefly at a party, but before we even went on a single date or had a single kiss, i had a one night stand with an ex. Stupid thing i know, i regretted it ever since. ANyway, i told him this after we eventually got together and he was not happy. At all. It completely changed his view on me. Anyway we struggled on in a poor state for while, with him being extremely angry at me for no reason, calling me names, blanking me in public etc, flirting emailing and texting other girls, and that was after i moved countries to be with him! Anyway it got to the point where things were unbearable so i had to finish it, which he agreed to. It was a bitter enough ending, i hated him so much for not looking after me, and we had a very clean break, bar the odd text etc, i moved out and into a friends a few miles away. Anyway, about 7 weeks after our break-up, me still living in his country, i was devastated, and went out one night and got really drunk and ended up in bed with some guy i had only met.

It was a horrible experience and i've regretted it ever since. I totally put it out of my head and never wanted to think about it again, to me it didn't happen, i told no-one. Shortly after that i moved back to my own country as living there was too tough with my ex nearby. When i moved home, he got back in contact, saying he didn't think i was going to leave the country etc. Anyway he said he wanted to give it a another go so i visited a few weekends to him, but nothing had changed,he was still quite ignorant to me, and i felt that he wasn't really interested. So again it ended, this was just before Xmas. I just thought, that is it, i never want to see that guy ever again in my life. He hurt me so much, i was so angry, i had devoted myself to him and he never treated me properly. So i went through Xmas pretty down, going out drinking etc, then on new years eve ended up at a house party full drunk and again did the stupid thing of ending up in bed with some guy my ex absolutely hates. I was so stupid, i felt so bad about it, i stopped it midway through because i was so upset, and very drunk.

Anyway, i never told my ex any of this, as we had absolutely no contact for months and months, nothing whatsover, de-friended on facebook, numbers deleted, living in different countries etc. just getting on with our own lives. Anyway, the following august i was at a wedding my ex was at, and he asked to go for a drink with me on our own, he poured out how much of a fool he had been and how much he missed me, and wanted to give it another go. I said id think about it, and a few weeks later we started commuting countries to see each again, by the following January i had moved back to be with him in his country, and by the July we were engaged, getting married 1 year later. We never spoke really about people we were with when we were apart, i never asked him because i didn't want to know. He did ask me if i had kissed the guy he hated, i said yes but nothing else. So yes,i lied to him, i don't know why, i just didn't want to upset him. I so wish now i had told him the truth.

Anyway, about 7months my now husband confronts me about these 2 one night stands, as he found msgs on my facebook which sounded like something had happend, basically them saying they had a good time, would like to see me again, and me saying 'what happened was terrible mistake, i'm very embarrassed over it, still really cut up about my ex etc, it shouldn't have happened'. These were msgs from years ago that i simply forgot to delete. I had put those events out of my head so much i never thought about it.
Now my husband is raging, he says i married him under a lie, that of course i would have been thinking about those events the whole time (which i wasn't, i wish i was now!) that i lied to him to get him to marry me, that i'm a **** and a slag and he'll never trust me again. Its at the stage now were we are in very serious decisions about separating.

I'm an absolutely destroyed by this, the hardest thing to deal with is seeing how much i have hurt him. I wish i had of told him before we got married but i genuinely didn't think about it, to me it never happened, it was in the past, we were both so very happy together. It scares me how much i deleted it from my mind. My husband wants to know every single detail of what happens on those notes and is furious that i can't remember everything,he says that this is another lie, i can remember, but i can't remember everything, i was drunk, it was nearly 4 years,i can't remember things like who took off what first etc.

I'm absolutely at my wits end. I've not even been married a year and it's been the worst time of both of our lives, i feel so guilty for all the damage i have done, i wish and wish and wish i had thought to tell or hadn't lied to him. I love him so very much, but can't understand how he is not willing to let it go and move on, he wants to go over it every single day. We no longer sleep in the same bed, our sex life is non-existant. I'm a wreck, he's a wreck. We're heading for separation and i can't live with my self. Help! 

Is he being unreasonable? What should i do?!


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Tell him everything you can and keep telling him, tell him you love him and keep telling him. After all you were separated were you not? His ego is injured. Try to be soothing, as difficult as that is, see about counseling. Re-affirm and re-affirm that everything you have said is the God's honest truth. 

And above all - if you can get through to him make him understand that you have both ended up in an undiscovered country. It's a new terrain, you can't go back to where you started but you can start out from where you are. 

PS: I abused my WS from time to time - it never works. Don't put up with abuse. What the hell did he get up to while you were apart? He has to meet you halfway and stop blaming you

PPS: Getting smashed and chopping the nearest bloke is not a good look. Avoid at all costs - look how it has made you feel. 

Best of luck - I hope it works out for you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think you should end the relationship. For reasons beyond infidelity. The ONS are none of his business, though you should have told him. This sounds like a horrible relationship anyway. You sound young. A fresh start should be a good thing for both of you.

Why do you go back to him repeatedly if he is so abusive ? MAybe read some literature on how some women go back to abusive relationships and see if you fit the criteria. When you say blanking you in public, what do you mean by that ?


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I agree that you should try counselling.

I would advise looking for a good male counsellor as I think many female counsellors do not really understand male jealousy (which I think tends to be different to female jealousy).

Good luck


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Where the hell is the infidelity? Each time she was with another man, she was NOT with her husband/BF. There was NO infidelity. Zero, Zip, Nada. Whether they were relationships or ONS it doesn't matter and it's none of his damn business!

Stop beating yourself up. You did nothing wrong except lie, but you lied because you knew he was going to angry yet couldn't find the words to say, none of you framing business. 

"We weren't together when that happen so whatever happened is NONE of your business!"

Frankly, your H sounds like an idiot little boy who wants the toy, but then when he gets it he doesn't want it. then when it's gone he wants it, but then finds lame ass excuses for no longer wanting it. Your man is going to drive you insane, make you feel responsible for stuff that isn't your doing, and make you feel worthless because this guy is incapable for having a relationship but like all little boys he doesn't own his baggage, but leave it for someone else to carry.

Tell him you aren't going to be held accountable for being with other men when he tossed you aside. Be firm and inflexible. This is a vital boundary upon which your whole relationship with stand. if he can't respect it, your relationship will NEVER be on equal footing.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

tryingtobebetter said:


> I agree that you should try counselling.
> 
> I would advise looking for a good male counsellor as I think many female counsellors do not really understand male jealousy (which I think tends to be different to female jealousy).
> 
> Good luck



Female counselors don't understand male jealousy?

Sounds like someone refuses to look at their own baggage and prefers to blame women for not being understanding!


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Female counselors don't understand male jealousy?
> 
> Sounds like someone refuses to look at their own baggage and prefers to blame women for not being understanding!


That is what I have been told.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Sounds like the marriage never should have happened in the first place. Now it is likely damaged beyond repair. Do you want to spend the rest of your life trying to rebuild a fundamentally flawed relationship?


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

So, this is the timeline:

Met future husband at a party
Had ONS with ex-boyfriend
Had first date and first kiss with future husband
Started dating future husband
Broke up with future husband (by mutual agreement)
Had ONS
Started dating future husband again
Eventually got married

Your husband is mad, because you (1) had sex with another man before you started dating him, and (2) had sex with another man after you broke up with each other (at a time when you had no idea that you would be getting back together again in the future).

To sum it up in a nutshell: your husband is an idiot.

Quit apologizing to him. You don't have anything to apologize for. He can't hold you responsible for your actions when you weren't dating him.

What next? He'll get upset because he finds out you kissed Billy Miller on the 7th grade playground?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

tryingtobebetter said:


> That is what I have been told.


By whom?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This story sounds very familiar. Has it run before?


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

IMO, no infidelity. Nothing to forgive. You need to seriously consider where your relationship is going with your husband before you bring kids into the equation.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

sadsamantha said:


> Hi Guys,
> 
> I'm truly at my wits end. My husband says i've ruined his life, and married him on a lie, and we've only been married less than a year!
> 
> ...


Yes, he's being unreasonable. You didn't owe him any explanation of what you did when you were broken up. You didn't owe him loyalty about who you did or did not sleep with. That's YOUR business. 

Sure, he's got reason to feel betrayed by your first one-nighter when you were still together, but to use the other event to justify holding on to his anger over the first one is an unfair tactic. 

But the bigger question is... does it matter? The two of you sound pretty incompatible emotionally. If he wants to stay angry, he's not going to stop being angry no matter what you do.


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## sadsamantha (May 2, 2013)

Kathy, just to clarify - we were completely and utterly split up when both occasions happened, we weren't even in contact with one another.
Not really sure what 'first one nighter when we were still together' you are referring to as i never once cheated on him in any way, shape, or form. Was 100% devoted to him when i was with him, as i am now.
Thanks for the support though - i do get bogged down thinking it is all my fault and he is right for acting the way he does, but then i think 'is he, really?'. If the shoe was on the other foot i genuinely don't think i would have reacted in anywhere near the same way he has. Actually i don't want to know what he was at when we were split up, he has told me he kissed girls, could have slept with loads, but he never did as he didn't want to hurt me. Says now he wished he had of. I say to him, i wish i knew you cared about me, because he never once showed it, together or apart. I'm just at my wits end.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Woa.

Considering your marriage ended the first time because he couldn't deal with your having sex with an Ex, there is no way you should have gone back and married him a second time with even more of that lingering around undisclosed.

Yes, you didn't cheat on him at all.

But you knew the sensitivity by him about this stuff, and you hid it from him.

My advice: 

1. Give him 100% disclosure about the guys, everything
2. Sincerely, and without any conditions offer him a divorce. Tell him you recognize you really did wrong by him, that he is deeply hurt, and that you can't take back the past, you can only change the future. Offer him a quick easy divorce if that is what he wants, and that you will forever leave him alone. If he doesn't want that, then he needs to work at being the husband you need, if he has to go talk to a therapist to deal with what you have done, then he should do it.

Either way it is his choice - divorce cleanly and move on , OR choose to stay together and fix the marriage.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

OHHH... I thought you'd cheated the first time. Sorry!

I agree that full disclosure is good, but I completely disagree that apologizing or saying you did wrong by him is a good plan. You did not do anything wrong, so I personally would go the opposite route and tell him that if we separate or divorce, he can expect me to make my own decisions about when and with whom I'll have sex. If he has problems with my choices, then maybe he should stick around and make it a good marriage instead of breaking it down with old hurts. 

But I'll go a step deeper, since you aren't separated completely just yet... Take a look at WHY he's so hurt by this. It's not about what you did or didn't do. It's about his own neediness. He felt abandoned. While there was no reason for you to be loyal, he craved it and didn't get it. The one thing you MIGHT be able to do is recognize that he has a deeply rooted need to believe in your loyalty to him. You can't change the past, but you CAN use today to find opportunities to demonstrate loyalty and desire.

Find ways to show him that you're defending him and being his biggest cheerleader. Let him know that while you *will* move on if you split, you'd prefer not to get there. Tell him you need to see HIS loyalty to you, too, so you can remain loyal and dedicated to him. Give him ONE simple way to show his loyalty. Will it be changing his mind about splitting? Coming back to bed?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> * Tell him you recognize you really did wrong by him, *that he is deeply hurt, and that you can't take back the past, you can only change the future. Offer him a quick easy divorce if that is what he wants, and that you will forever leave him alone. If he doesn't want that, then he needs to work at being the husband you need, if he has to go talk to a therapist to deal with *what you have done*, then he should do it.
> 
> Either way it is his choice - divorce cleanly and move on , OR choose to stay together and fix the marriage.


She did NOTHING wrong. They were not together when she slept with her ex and had a ONS. What she did with those other men is NONE of his business, in terms of should she have done or should she not have done it. She did NOTHING wrong!

What she did was to move on with her life after he ended their relationship. What he needs is a therapist to deal with his own issues. He married a sentient being, capable of meeting and liking other men. He let her go, that's what happen when you let people go, they tend to...go!

Kathy I think you are spot on with the loyalty...as usual!:smthumbup:


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Your husband is an insecure little boy who can't handle the fact that his "pure white wife" had sex with another man.

Another penis has been in his wife's vajayjay at some point in it's existence.

WTF?!?! Tell him to grow up and kick him out if he keeps bringing it up. If you want to go to counseling....GO FOR THE RIGHT REASON, he needs to address his issues.

I'm a guy who falls in the middle of the whole ex thing with your mate (as in I'm not friends with any ex's and I don't really like the idea of my wife being friends with any of her ex's (but I also recognize YMMV and my opinions could be different IF situations were different too). And EVEN I think your husband is a total and utter MORON!

It'd be one thing if you kept having a relationship (even non-sexual) with these guys, but you didn't even DO THAT!!


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> By whom?


I cannot recall the source but I do remember the story. A couple were having problems because of the man's jealousy. I do not remember the details why he was jealous. But they went to a series of female counsellors who all took the line that he was the problem, the solution was for him to stop being jealous. This got them nowhere, so they went to a male counsellor who was more sympathetic and helped them find a way forward.

It is only one instance of course but on the basis that men understand men and women understand women, it makes sense to me.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

sadsamantha said:


> that i lied to him to get him to marry me,


That much is unfortunately true. Blown way out of proportion, but nevertheless true.




> that i'm a **** and a slag and he'll never trust me again. Its at the stage now were we are in very serious decisions about separating.


He didn't sound like a decent partner the first time around. So it shouldn't be a big surprise, although it is perhaps manifesting itself differently now.

Talk about over-reacting.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

OP is 28 y.o. What I get from her is that she had 3 ONS with 3 different guys. So, the totality of her relationship from 19y.o. onwards is: 3 ONS and her husband.

Were they really ONS? It could be her husband, after having read her facebook, seems to think that these ONS's are more than just ONS. Especially since she's still keeping communicating with them.

If so, I can see from his viewpoint that he may just be the fallback guy.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> She did NOTHING wrong. They were not together when she slept with her ex and had a ONS. What she did with those other men is NONE of his business, in terms of should she have done or should she not have done it. She did NOTHING wrong!
> 
> What she did was to move on with her life after he ended their relationship. What he needs is a therapist to deal with his own issues. He married a sentient being, capable of meeting and liking other men. He let her go, that's what happen when you let people go, they tend to...go!
> 
> Kathy I think you are spot on with the loyalty...as usual!:smthumbup:


And yet, the OP herself felt bad about these encounters and hid them.

There is being technically right and then there is emotionally right.

I said there was NO cheating involved. But she knew he has issues with this and chose to no tell him. So technically she's good to go, but emotionally?

She did in fact betray his trust by not telling him, especially since she knew it was a major factor for him.

Yes he's git major major issues.

She also chose to lie to him.

That's why I suggested that path out is to give him the choices I suggested. Clean D or him accepting and getting help to work on it.

But let's be clear, I do think she did do wrong when she chose to lie and hide it from him, knowing it was a real issue with him.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> And yet, the OP herself felt bad about these encounters and hid them.
> 
> There is being technically right and then there is emotionally right.
> 
> ...


Okay, this makes much better sense to me.

I feel like women have unrealistic expectations placed on them based on a double standard. You are right in that she should have been honest and upfront, but being a woman myself-and a highly sexed one at that- casting off the double standard is hard.

Sorry about over reacting to your post.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You have a few options:

1. Stay and apologize for the rest of your life, for having a life while you weren't WITH him.

2. Stay and INSIST on counseling to get past this BS.

3. Just walk away. Let him figure out his own insecure demons.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Big Dude said:


> Anon Pink, I respectfully disagree with this rant. Yes, there was no infidelity, but the OP lied to her then boyfriend about her sexual activities. She knew damn well that her future husband would not approve of her ONS's. The fact that you are OK with women having casual sex does not entitle you to dismiss the values of men who may find such behavior immoral.
> 
> As I read this, the husband is angry to discover that he married this woman under false pretenses. If he wanted a wife who had not engaged in casual sex, he is as entitled to that as much as you are entitled to your viewpoint. Maybe it is unrealistic and childish for him to want such a woman for a wife, but that's really not the issue here.


perhaps I missed the part where her husband explained to her prior to marriage that he expected his wife to be a virgin? Perhaps I missed the part where he explained, as they were rekindling their broken relationship, that he still expected her to remain chaste since she had not remarried?

Or perhaps this has little to do with morals and more to do with a double standard?

But, if as you say, her husband has trouble with a woman he beds, having been in bed with some other man at some other point, and she knew this and led him on to believe that she was indeed chaste, then that indeed would be wrong for being untrue.

So girls, here is the take home message. NEVER EVER tell any man what you have or haven't done with anyone else. Because an unchaste man is simply a man. But an unchaste woman is a harlot!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Anon, this does seem to be touching a nerve with you!!!


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Okay, this makes much better sense to me.
> 
> I feel like women have unrealistic expectations placed on them based on a double standard. You are right in that she should have been honest and upfront, but being a woman myself-and a highly sexed one at that- casting off the double standard is hard.
> 
> Sorry about over reacting to your post.


Anon - could you please send me some of that "highly sexed" magic for my WS....ohhh, hang on....abort! abort!....that could start a whole new world of pain


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Big Dude said:


> . Did I miss the part about her husband banging random women while they were broken up? You see double standards even where they don't exist.


We missed that part because it wasn't included. It wasn't included because it wasn't important. It wasn't important because it wasn't an expectation SHE had for HIM. Yet, she accepts the standard HE had for HER. 

That, is a passive double standard, unspoken yet understood.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Horizon said:


> Anon - could you please send me some of that "highly sexed" magic for my WS....ohhh, hang on....abort! abort!....that could start a whole new world of pain


Sorry Horizon. I worked my tush off for this lovely state of mind.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> Anon, this does seem to be touching a nerve with you!!!


Yes. Point taken. I shall take a breather. thanks.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I don't see this one in the double standard category , though it could turnout to be that, we simply don't know about the husband. He might be a save both of yourselves for marriage type and hence no double standard.

I see this as being about honesty - she wanted to marry X. X has a major issue with her doing Y. She had done Y, and she didn't declare she has done Y, and instead chose to hide it. 

Look if a person had been a soldier and was marrying a hardcore pacifist who hated soldiers, would it be ok to hide that past an marry them?

It's about the choice to deceive that is where she went wrong, up tat she was firing on all cylinders. She chose to return back with him knowing is strong feelings, since they were why they got divorced. She then chose to lie.

To fix this, she needs to come clean, and offer him a reset. Either return to being divorced, or now choose a new marriage with her actions known and accepted, not necessarily liked, but accepted.


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## Jamie.11 (Feb 20, 2013)

Counseling is a good way to go. Otherwise, these sorts of things would repeat over and over. You cannot expect him to take things lightly as he has pride to take care of. Broaden your understanding of his situation.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

As a previous poster mentioned, I think I've seen this story almost verbatim here before.

Never the less, I can understand how a man can feel "betrayed" here.

To many men, marrying a woman with a history of impulsive intimate exploits is not an option. It is VERY important to them. Add to that the fact that there was closeness with a man he hates (a rival if you will) and you pretty much pushed a major button.

Regardless of whether or not this guy is an inconsiderate jerk, you chose to marry him knowing that fact.


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## LB (May 16, 2013)

Hi, I can totally relate to your story and have lived in a similar situation for around 13years. 

Around 13 years ago (when we were around 19/20yrs old) my DH moved to another country, I was still finishing up studying and was heartbroken when he left me behind and moved by himself as we had been dating for just on 2years. Needless to say I had no idea when I would be able to join him and after months of staying home and feeling sorry for my self I began to spend some time with a group of his guy friends ... one night one thing lead to another and after alot to drink I ended up hooking up with one of these guys (there is more to the story but not going to go into lengthly details now). Anway to cut a long story very short after about 4 months apart I recommitted myself to long distance relationship to DH and after 8 months of not seeing each other he finally managed to arrange for me to join him overseas. We have now been together for 15 years, married for 5 and have to children together.

Where I am going is .. my husband has never been able to forgive me for this one instance of "cheating". I regret what happened every minute of the last 13 years but I can't change it ... and neither can you! My DH bring this up in every argument we have and at times does not talk to me for days when he is lost in his head about this. Recently he again fought with me about this and I have given him an ultimatium on the subject because I am tired of being punished for something that happened so long ago and he made the decision to stay with me after finding out about it ... so I am done unless he can forgive (don't think I can push the forget)

Living with the same situation for so many years my advice would be telling him every little details so everything is properly in the open and then if DH cannot forgive you now (and you don't have children together) I would end marriage now and not put yourself through the torture of years to come.


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## rogergrant (Dec 7, 2011)

Independently of this whole story I think we need to ask a couple of questions:

1. Why are you having so many ONS? It sound like you have only been single for a few months of total time since you met your husband, and you had 3 ONS. I'd be very concerned about future fidelity from someone with that sort of track record. It's not like you started dating someone else. You lost control and had sex you later regretted 3 seperate times.

2. Have you been drinking with all of these ONS? Do you have a drinking problem? I see a pattern of drinking followed by poor decision making. No one is perfect, but this is concerning.

There seem to be problems on both sides. I think you need to ask some of these questions of yourself though.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Wow this sounds like me and my ex! Op, do yourself a favor and end this relationship. Your ONS are the least of the problems in this marriage.
Don't blame yourself for them, you did nothing wrong. You were on a break from him, and the first time you weren't even together yet. Stop beating yourself with it ! You went out and had sex...as a single girl. 
He's in no position to reproach you, especially that he flirted and texted other girls WHILE in a relationship with you. Sounds to me like a blame shifter just like my ex.
On and off relationship are bound to stop at off, because if there is no respect but abuse, it will not work.
I'm sorry to hear you wasted 9 years, the same amount of time I did. Take what you learnt from this marriage and start over, you deserve better.


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