# Increased sex drive



## VeryShyGirl (Feb 18, 2010)

I'm 32 and sex has never been a priority for me. I don't dislike it, just felt like there were better things I could be doing. My husband and I got married this summer but we'd been dating for several years before that. We used to have sex frequenly early on, but for a while now the norm has been maybe once a month. And I had been happy with that until recently. 

Over the last 2 months I've noticed a huge increase in my sex drive. I felt like an idiot when the obvious explanation finally hit me today - I recently stopped taking birth control pills after 14 years (due to loss of job and health insurance); I'd been on them since the age of 18 when I first had sex! Now my hormones are going crazy and I'm having to deal with a sex drive like I've never had, one like I never thought was possibly in me. Some days I think about sex almost constantly. *Very* unlike me.

So what's the problem? This should be good news, right? Wrong! I feel like because of my low sex drive over the years my husband has learned to be satisfied with sex once a month. He's an awesome guy, clearly loves me, treats me great. But I have no idea if his lack of interest in sex is my fault, just the way it is, or because he really _doesn't_ love me. I've always had self confidence issues and despite how much I tell myself its not because he doesn't want me I can't help but feel that way. Wierd how his actions remain unchanged but my new feelings cause me to now be hurt by them.

I know, I should "just" talk to him. There's the nasty complication. I am extremely shy about sex and just can't bring myself to talk about it with him. Growing up sex was taboo and something dirty. 

A few weeks ago it reached a boiling point and after hours of me crying and him begging for me to tell him what was wrong I finally got the courage to tell him I wanted more sex. I am a little dismayed though because when I asked him if he thought we had a healthy sex life he said yes! Huh?

I'm just realizing the importance of sex in a marriage and I feel like I've been missing out on a good part of life. Not only do I want more sex, I want different sex. I want to show him how much I love him and I want a deeper connection. At this point realizing such a change seems hopeless. The words just can't come out of my mouth. Discussing anything even remotely specific or saying words like "orgasm" are out of the question.

Since the chat we have had sex more frequenly but its still not enough sometimes. I've been trying to show him that I want to work on sex but its only led to more frustartion. The other night I gave him a 10 minute BJ before sex (something that has been very rare up until now and something that is a huge deal for my sex shy mind). After about 30 seconds of foreplay after that we had sex, he came, that was it. Would it be too much to ask to take the 3 extra minutes for him to stimulate me to orgasm? If somebody loves me shouldn't they WANT to please me in that way? Am I repulsive, not worth it? The following evening he was pretty tired, but I was still horny and he passed out after rubbing my back for a few minutes. It CRUSHED me. 

I'm scared about our future. Before I suspected this recent change was from the pills I had hope it'd just pass. But now as the hormone levels in my body continue to readjust it just seems to get worse, not better. In some sense I feel like I should be happy with the other awesome parts of our marriage and not be selfish. On the other hand I don't know if I can learn to cope with this frustration. Maybe going back on the pill is the answer?

I'd appreciate and advice or words of wisdom. I can't talk to anyone about this and its driving me insane.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

it sounds like your husband has been "conditioned" for once a month sex. while it does sound as if the birth control pills negatively affected your drive, you did know that you were having sex only once a month and you did know that your low drive was the reason. i am not blaming you but trying to open eyes, when you dont have a basic sex drive, there is a reason and there should be a big effort to change it and just not accept it.

as to the present day situation, you need to show him everyway you can that you would like more sex. dressing provacatively, being playful, shocking him with unexpected and aggressive advances. remember, he has been rejected for years assuming he at least initiated and was turned down for a period of time during your low points. that wears on a guy. he may also be changing physically and maybe his testosterone level has dropped.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

What an incredible story. Huge credit to you for overcoming your shyness enough to step up here. 

I am more shy than my wife. When she has wanted to do new things she has had to say "lets do this" and I always said "ok great" and then if she liked it I would add it to our repertoire. 

I am not uncreative - just fearful - I didn't want her to think I was - ummm - odd. But nothing she has ever asked for seems odd to me - in fact I love that she trusts me enough to push the edge of the envelope. 

Do you two drink? Would 2 drinks - just to take the edge off - help you teach him what you need him to know? 

If not, well do it sober. I think it is perfectly fine to get him really wound up. By the way my wife is a 10 in terms of sex. A real true 10. She can make me crazy with oral or with just her hands - because she knows how to do the light touch and the light finger nails and she makes me lose my mind with desire. 

If you can get him really wound up - and then before he comes you say - let me show you how to touch me. And then have him do what YOU need. Trust me - in that endorphin filled super aroused state he will be GLAD to please you. And then AFTER you finish, then you finish him or let him finish.

You CAN wake him up sexually. But most of the new stuff - you should hit him with what you want when you have brought him to a fever pitch. In that state - a normal man is VERY eager to please his wife. 

FWIW - I am happy to please my wife at any and all times, but you are training a guy after a long period of very minimal contact. 




VeryShyGirl said:


> I'm 32 and sex has never been a priority for me. I don't dislike it, just felt like there were better things I could be doing. My husband and I got married this summer but we'd been dating for several years before that. We used to have sex frequenly early on, but for a while now the norm has been maybe once a month. And I had been happy with that until recently.
> 
> Over the last 2 months I've noticed a huge increase in my sex drive. I felt like an idiot when the obvious explanation finally hit me today - I recently stopped taking birth control pills after 14 years (due to loss of job and health insurance); I'd been on them since the age of 18 when I first had sex! Now my hormones are going crazy and I'm having to deal with a sex drive like I've never had, one like I never thought was possibly in me. Some days I think about sex almost constantly. *Very* unlike me.
> 
> ...


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## aw9d (Feb 17, 2010)

My question is how long did it take you to get your sex drive back from birthcontrol? my wife was on it for over 10 years, been about 3 months now and her sex drive is still missing in action. Just curious.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

It sounds to me like you have a good, strong relationship and you should be able to deepen your loving experience of each other in a very positive way. Part of that probably will include learning to talk about love-making and all the feelings bound up in it - not simply as a question of the physical side of things, perhaps as a rediscovery of a wider romantic dimension?

When it comes to expressing the intensity of your new desires, I suggest imagining yourself in his place - how would you like to be approached? You're both on the threshold of new pleasures in each other. Because a big change to your intimate life is looming, maybe little steps and lots of 'em?


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

wow "veryshygirl" what a story...sounds just like me and my wife except the other way around and a little younger...for me I am the one chasing for sex all the time and understand the pain of wife falling asleep while I'm trying to do foreplay with her...it sucks...it hurts big time....what do I do? I cant sleep at that point...complaining to her only hurts her as well...so I leave the room..I go an pray(asking god to help me not be selfish..and to give me patience and help me love my wife no matter how one sided it feels sometimes), and I'm able to go back to bed and sleep..because I need to understand her needs as well...one day maybe she will have a sex surge the way you are today.

Overall I would say any guy loves blowjobs..loves a woman who is all over him...maybe he's quietly enjoying all of this and maybe kinda making you feel now what he felt before...you have become the one chasing...it sucks but it's up to him to level it off..just talk to him..real sincere and tell him how important it is to you to get crazier with sex.


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## VeryShyGirl (Feb 18, 2010)

First off, thank you guys for letting me get that off my chest and trying to help. You have definitely given me plenty of things to think about.

Simply Amorous - thanks for taking the time to share your story and for the advice. In regards to this:

"The fact that he did not try to please you after he "got his" is disheartening. I guess I would ask, has it always been THIS way? Maybe you never really minded in the past, and he was also 'used to this" so he just doesn't understand all the changes you are feeling."

This is something I'm really struggling with. After reading about sex lately it seems that I am one of the "lucky" (?) ones that can orgasm after just a short amount of intercourse. I have some slightly worse periods but typically I orgasm 80-90% of the time just through a small amount of foreplay and ten minutes of intercourse. The other 10-20% was never a big deal. Lately its been more like 60-70% of the time though. But no, he has never pleasured me after sex (unless he wanted more sex). I seriously have no idea if he knows if/when I orgasm or whether he thinks its an important part of sex at all. The only time he has ever given me an orgasm outside of intercourse was a rare and momentous occasion when something compelled him to give me oral, and not just for a minute: amazing. I'm a very quiet and reserved person but after all these years you'd think he'd sense its happening once in a while, and he couldn't have missed it that night! When I had that tip of the iceberg talk with him recently he mentioned that he didn't initiate sex sometimes because he wasn't even sure I enjoyed it! I told him he was very wrong!

I kind of doubt that he's into porn but I could be wrong. At this point I don't care... I feel awful for making him live like this for so long.


okeydokie - I realize that this is probably mostly my fault and I feel terrible. My husband deserves the best. Its like I just woke up one day and realized how important sex was in a marriage and now I'm cursed to live with the mess I myself created. I'd love to be able to do the things you suggest: dressing sexy, taking the lead, etc. I've always been ashamed about sex and while I enjoy initiating sometimes its SO important to me that he does it often... other wise I can't help feeling like he doesn't want me. I have extreme problems coping with even the slightest thing that could be perceived as rejection, no matter how stupid it may be, its how I'm wired and I HATE it. I just can't initiate don't feel good enough about myself to try to dazzle him when I'm hurting like I have been lately, though I love him so much and want him even more. I'm extremely reserved buy honestly trying to work on it. I've been reading a ton about sex, thinking a lot, even watching porn, something I thought I'd never do. I'm at the point where I'm ready to take our sexual relationship to a new level but I feel like the only way I can ever hope to succeed is with a lot of emotional support from him and if he "takes the reins" more often. He doesn't have the same overpowering reservations I do - he grew up in a house where sex was OK and just a fact of like (he is European). I find myself hoping against hope that he'll initiate something new or tell me what he wants. I feel ready to change but I desperately need his help; he's the only one I trust enough to overcome my reservations with.


aw9d - It was about a month after I stopped taking the pills that I started noticing this change and the feelings still seem to keep getting stronger and harder to deal with. I notice my bouts correspond very heavily with my cycle, extremely horny 1st 2 weeks after my period. I'm at 2 months now but my hormones are still totally jacked up and I'm acting like a psycho... at least I hope the real me hasn't fully returned yet! It actually took quite a while for it to dawn on me what was going on; after living with such a low sex drive for so long the feelings can be confusing. I'm not surprised if you're wife isn't back to normal yet. I feel like I still have a long way to go. #@$%&! pills! I had no idea they were doing this to me


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

VeryShyGirl said:


> okeydokie - I realize that this is probably mostly my fault and I feel terrible. My husband deserves the best. Its like I just woke up one day and realized how important sex was in a marriage and now I'm cursed to live with the mess I myself created. I'd love to be able to do the things you suggest: dressing sexy, taking the lead, etc. I've always been ashamed about sex and while I enjoy initiating sometimes its SO important to me that he does it often... other wise I can't help feeling like he doesn't want me. I have extreme problems coping with even the slightest thing that could be perceived as rejection, no matter how stupid it may be, its how I'm wired and I HATE it. I just can't initiate don't feel good enough about myself to try to dazzle him when I'm hurting like I have been lately, though I love him so much and want him even more. I'm extremely reserved buy honestly trying to work on it. I've been reading a ton about sex, thinking a lot, even watching porn, something I thought I'd never do. I'm at the point where I'm ready to take our sexual relationship to a new level but I feel like the only way I can ever hope to succeed is with a lot of emotional support from him and if he "takes the reins" more often. He doesn't have the same overpowering reservations I do - he grew up in a house where sex was OK and just a fact of like (he is European). I find myself hoping against hope that he'll initiate something new or tell me what he wants. I feel ready to change but I desperately need his help; he's the only one I trust enough to overcome my reservations with.
> 
> 
> (



dont mean to be brutal here, but quit being so helpless. if you truly believe you cant change then you should at least talk to him and tell him your just not an initiator. let him know you strongly desire intimacy with him but your fear of rejection is more than you can bear. tell him you need him to lead and you feel the need for him to be dominate in the sex department. He needs to know he wont be rejected anymore, he likely has the same fears.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

You are VERY GOOD at expressing yourself on this forum, SO YOU CAN EXPRESS this to him! One thing you need to do right now - is stop the "I can't ", "I'm not wired that way" talk. Everytime we speak something out of our mouth or write it out, it helps our brain REinforce what we just said. Not really very healthy when it is negative talk, it is like Negative feedback to ourselves. 

I know what I am talking about, because I struggled with the "He doesn't desire me" phase for awhile because I WAS 
initiating MORE than him -when this started for me too. And I noticed a pattern, every time I would SPEAK this, write it, say it, it was leading me to a soon "meltdown" (getting all emotional -feeling I was the only one who wanted sex, getting upset about it, like I was some kind of burden, bla bla bla). I was working myself up rediculously! and it wasn't even true! But I let myself wallow in this many many times and it made me FEEL more "Helpless". Certainly not empowering. 

When I had that tip of the iceberg talk with him recently he mentioned that he didn't initiate sex sometimes because he wasn't even sure I enjoyed it! I told him he was very wrong! THIS IS GOOD!!! See, he *does* want more sex! Remember this comment. I think your quietness is WHY he questions. I understand this also, as my husbands quietness is why I would often question His desire for me! It always helps when your partner VALIDATES you, lets you know they are INTO you, want you, need you, crave you. Without that, it can get a little boring. You really dont want to have to say afterwards to your partner .. "Was that good for you?"  

Just as you are quiet/shy, maybe he feels this way about you! And he has his own insecurities. 

It may have to start WITH YOU overcoming some of this - to jump start his sex drive again in the way you need. 

Doesn't sound like you have EVER expressed in any way -that you are indeed having an orgasm, like he should "just know". UNfortunetly, not all men KNOW , or can tell. It helps when we let them know, or show some heavy breathing, noises, and at the very least say how WONDERFUL that was when you do "get yours". Then ask him how he wants his! Start doing this, surely if your drive has taken off the way you express here, this should be more easier to do, letting loose in these areas. 

As new & hard as it may seem for you , TRY IT, he will LOVE it, it will take your sex life to NEW Dimentions. (I used to be totally quiet too-Not any more!).


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Star said:


> ... sometimes and if I don't get sex I can quite often feel resentful ...


Men feel the same way.

In this case, the husband spent 10 years on a crippling diet of once per month. Doubtless he considered leaving the marriage, but his love proved more important than his need. So, he found a way to eliminate his need. He became someone else ..._ for you!_

Now, you want the "old" him back. It is just not that simple.

Lets say he does what you say ... and six months from now your drive vanishes and you want him to go back to once per month again. A person's nature is like the Titanic, it does not turn on a dime. Now your husband is facing having to change himself in order to save the marriage ... again.

He has no way of knowing that the change in you is "for real". You need to let him know with no ambiguity that your change is real, permanent, and trustworthy.

He will not hesitate once he knows that.

I would recommend that you let him know in writing. This is the usual way to overcome "hangups" like you have. You will feel much more open to say what you really feel, and your husband will know that you really mean it ... not just in that instance, but for good. Try something like this:

"My desire for intimacy with you has increased dramatically and permanently since I stopped taking birth control. I am very happy and excited about this change, which I am certain is permanent. I am writing you to let you know that I desire you hugely, almost all the time. I want to do so many things with you, I think about you all the time. Lets make up for so much lost time together, and discover each other the way we were meant to. With our hands linked, you and I have walked together and built a life filled with happiness. With our bodies linked, I want to move together and build a bond filled with joy. My heart has always been yours. Now, I want to give you my body."

Good luck.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

VeryShyGirl said:


> ... I realize that this is probably mostly my fault and I feel terrible ...


Fault?

What a strange way to think about it.

This is not about "fault" ... it is about "opportunity".

I wonder if you realize what is happening here?

You have a basically good and satisfying marriage with almost zero intimacy!!! Do you realize just how good things are going to be when the two of you discover your intimate selves?!?!

I almost always finish my posts with "good luck", but I am not going to wish you luck. You already have it!

Instead, I'll say "Bob appetite!" The next few years are going to be for the history books!


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## aw9d (Feb 17, 2010)

VeryShyGirl said:


> ills that I started noticing this change and the feelings still seem to keep getting stronger and harder to deal with. I notice my bouts correspond very heavily with my cycle, extremely horny 1st 2 weeks after my period. I'm at 2 months now but my hormones are still totally jacked up and I'm acting like a psycho... at least I hope the real me hasn't fully returned yet! It actually took quite a while for it to dawn on me what was going on; after living with such a low sex drive for so long the feelings can be confusing. I'm not surprised if you're wife isn't back to normal yet. I feel like I still have a long way to go. #@$%&! pills! I had no idea they were doing this to me


Thanks for that info. Ya my wife isn't normal at all but she is in the same boat with you and the pills.. I'm just so upset that not one doctor has ever said anything about long term side effects. I hope everything works out for you! again, thanks for the info!


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## VeryShyGirl (Feb 18, 2010)

*update*

Well I wrote him a letter last night, feel like a jerk cuz I can't just talk to him but figured it was better than nothing. I told him how I was feeling about sex and sincerely apologized for how I may have hurt him by putting sex on the back burner in the past. I told him that it makes me happy to make him happy and that I've realized sex IS important in a marriage. I told him I feel responsible for forcing him to conform to a horrible sex life and reducing his desire to have sex with me.

I really have no clue whats going to happen to my sex drive when the hormones all settle down but at this point I'm committed to making sure we're BOTH satisfied and have a healthy sex life even if my drive decreases again. And I mean it. I also told him that if we want to remedy the sitiuation its going to take a lot of effort but I feel its very worth it. Mainly, we HAVE to get over the hurdle of not being able to communicate about sex, period. I also told him that even though in our last conversation he expressed that he felt we had a healthy sex life with 1-2x per month, I had been doing a lot of reading and found that's definately not true. I just hope he doesn't take this the wrong way... I tried to take any pressure off by admitting it was mostly my fault. I hope this isn't hurtful.

I told him that lately as much as I want to forget that rejection I feel (which I know is most likely not even real) and rip his clothes off I just can't shake the feelings and feel too crappy about myslef to initiate. You know, I think this is the first time I've ever been able to say something like that... "I want to rip your clothes off". I have SURELY never expressed my sexual attraction for my husband verbally, how messed up is that!

I tried to hint that I want to explore (vs just more sex) by telling him that I'd really like him to let me know what he likes and what feels good. I also talked a little about the initiation issue and wanting him to be a little more dominant and take the lead. I told him I have always been under the assumption that his reservations about sex weren't as deeply rooted and that it would be easier for _him_ to initiate sex talk or new things in the bedroom. I asked him if I was wrong about that and if these things seemed impossible for him to.

As for talking details about my orgasms and such, I'm still not comfortable right now. And I figured I'd slammed him with enough stuff already. I really hope he responds well to my letter and that gives me the reassurance I need to go deeper, but I'm really nervous about it. He seems to have trouble talking about sex too. I don't know how I'm even going to be able to face him after he reads it, but I'm assuming like most things the horror will pass.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

AlexNY said:


> I would recommend that you let him know in writing. This is the usual way to overcome "hangups" like you have. You will feel much more open to say what you really feel, and your husband will know that you really mean it ... not just in that instance, but for good. Try something like this:
> 
> "My desire for intimacy with you has increased dramatically and permanently since I stopped taking birth control. I am very happy and excited about this change, which I am certain is permanent. I am writing you to let you know that I desire you hugely, almost all the time. I want to do so many things with you, I think about you all the time. Lets make up for so much lost time together, and discover each other the way we were meant to. With our hands linked, you and I have walked together and built a life filled with happiness. With our bodies linked, I want to move together and build a bond filled with joy. My heart has always been yours. Now, I want to give you my body."


 Love that ! I also feel this is a GREAT idea, write him a letter from your heart. I did this for my husband when I started feeling this way. Now that I have tasted THIS, even in menopause, I wont be going back ! I prove this to him every day. I undrstand the importance in marraige SOOO much more than I did before.


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## VeryShyGirl (Feb 18, 2010)

The letter turned out to be a great idea.

When I came home from work there were flowers on the table and he was making dinner. He immediately thanked me for the "nice letter" I wrote him and said he'd talk to me about it while dinner was in the oven.

He finally disclosed that he hasn't been happy with our sex life for a long time, that he'd more or less given up thinking it was either change or lose me. He figured he's just concentrate more on work and that was that. He's TOO nice . That was tough to hear but I'm just so relieved to hear that the sex issues aren't because he doesn't want me. That puts me back in the position of being able to initiate and/or let my inhibitions down.

Also, he let me know that he is very uncomfortable talking about sex and has very little confidence in the bedroom. He claims to be fairly uneducated when it comes to sex, knowing a bit about his body but very little about mine. I told him I had similar problems and found that reading about it helps quite a bit. He joked that at 30 its about time for him to get the facts straight. I was really surprised by this because I assumed growing up in a more sex friendly society (there's porn on good old cable TV) he would be more knowledgable. 

After that we started our new and improved sex life together, I hope. He included oral sex (very rare) in the foreplay, we then had great intercourse. Then half an hour later I took it upon myself to try the blowjob thing again... the few times before have been very timid and not very long... never anywhere near completion. This time I thought there was no way I could take him to the end considering we'd already had sex once, but once I started I got very into it and was determined. 

It was an incredible experience for me, shocking! I'd read about the basics but I really didn't know what I was doing. I took it in way further than I ever did before and I liked it... except for when I got a little too feisty and gagged... that was embarrasing. I was really scared near the end at what my reaction would be if he came in the back of my throat and I flinched or twice when I thought it was coming. Luckily he was very thoughtful and pulled it out of my mouth before too much came out. I was shaking.

Then I made a conscience effort to try to open the door to talking about details, not just sex in general. I was a little worried my teeth maybe touched him at times and maybe that hurt. So I asked him if I hurt him. "No honey, that felt good". 

Things are looking up. I'd like to sincerely thank everyone who responded for giving me the encouragement (or the kick in the ass) I needed to initiate this change. Crazy how via the internet complete strangers can have such an impact... thanks a million for being there for me when I just needed someone to talk to.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Veryshygirl, it's a pleasure to read that things are looking good for you both.

Stick around here - there will be plenty of anxious people who can benefit from your positive experiences


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## Croaker (Feb 20, 2010)

Sounds like things are going well! I think writing the letter was an excellent idea; a lot of times it's easier to say something embarrassing if you're not in the room when you say it.  I would strongly suggest not just doing it once, though - nothing builds desire like a little anticipation, and you could have a lot of fun leaving him notes about things you'd like to do to him, or vice versa.


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## VeryShyGirl (Feb 18, 2010)

Yes, I think I will stick around for a while... I have plenty to learn. 

Sex & communication continues to improve for us, its NEVER been the way it is now! We're both opening up a lot. Thanks again guys!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

VeryShyGirl: 

Your story is VERY similar to MY story, we are having better sex in our 40's than the last 20 yrs of our marraige, lucky for you & hubby, you are starting even earlier. 

I was never very shy, but I was Inhibited because of feeling sex was dirty (religious thinking), and my husband was the SAME as yours, he did not want to LOOSE me , nor did he push me sexually when he had greater desire than me. I feel he should have laid down the law & been more open communitively with me back then, but that is water under the bridge now. 

At least NOW you feel the way your husband DID and most likely this will always stay with you , and he is I am sure THRILLED to tears about it all. This will just keep getting better. 

So glad you are learning to open up , a high sex drive can do some wacky things to women! So many exciting things ahead, Keep reading! keep Experimenting!


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