# Couples Therapy



## DMZ1 (Mar 17, 2013)

I know this is just another stupid scripted reality show but I did watch last night.

Before you laugh at me that joke Flavor Flav was on with his wife.

All the couples went out bowling cuz the therapist wanted to see the dynamics of how the couples act in a group situation.

FF's wife was mad cuz he did not pay attention to her in the van on the way to the bowling alley. She acted like a child and refused to get out of the van, refused to go into the bowling alley and when she finally did she sat there with a sour look on her face while FF had his usual act going making everyone laugh, smile and have a good time. I hate to say this but he reminded me of the man I live with and she reminded me of me. I do not go the extremes she did, she sat under the bar like a pouting child and made a complete ass of herself. Put a damper on everyone's fun.

My man is an extrovert and am an introvert. When we are alone with each other everything of course is fine. As soon as we leave the house his whole focus is off me and on everyone else. Joking, laughing, smiling, teasing, etc. I just sit there and do not say much. I would never sit under the table and pout. I keep it inside. 

Once in awhile I will ask him why he never looks or talks to me when we are out in public and his response was once, o I see you all the time, I don't see these people! That floored me.

So I decided not to make a big deal out of it, accept him for who he is and just be pleasant and have fun when we go out.

As a result we take separate vacations to see our respective families. His behavior is even worse when he is with family. He totally ignores me but of course says he does not do it on purpose so he goes to see his family out of town alone. He is there this week and I am so glad I am not there. We always end up arguing which I hate. All I want from him is a few seconds here and there, kiss me on the cheek, put the arm around me, hold my hand while we are out in public, not asking for much but for some reason I guess I am asking too much. 

Anyone else have this problem? It has gotten better since we talk about it but we still take separate vacations. Next month I am visiting my daughter by myself.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

DMZ1 said:


> My man is an extrovert and am an introvert. When we are alone with each other everything of course is fine. As soon as we leave the house his whole focus is off me and on everyone else. Joking, laughing, smiling, teasing, etc. I just sit there and do not say much. I would never sit under the table and pout. I keep it inside.
> 
> Once in awhile I will ask him why he never looks or talks to me when we are out in public and his response was once, o I see you all the time, I don't see these people! That floored me.


I find this unacceptable.

I mean, I get the fact he wants to have fun with friends... but you're supposed to be his best friend. He should want to include you in his fun. For example, we had 6 people over tonight for dinner and some fun (I, the master griller, was grilling up a storm) and even though wifey & I were doing separate things (I was caught up in a pinochle game and she chatting with a couple) but we made eye contact and she came by to say 'hi' a few times... It's small things but it says "I care". 

I also find the idea of separate vacations questionable. To be sure, every so often visiting family alone seems OK, but only if the two of you make time to take time off for the two of you. Wifey goes to Cali once or twice a year to see family, and I try to fly down for a couple of days... But we get to the coast or mountains together a few times for just us.

I think the two of you have some issues that need to be discussed. And I recommend with a professional.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I get you are an introvert but don't label yourself. Even introverts can be gregarious among people they are comfortable with. Don't you have fun with his friends and family, too? I'd think you'd warm up after a year or two. Maybe if you participated more he would 'see' you there with him. But as you quietly sit off to the side as a spectator, he forgets. I'm not saying he's right - I just understand it. I'm not naturally outgoing but once I get to know the people I can roll with anyone for an evening.


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## DMZ1 (Mar 17, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> I find this unacceptable.
> 
> I mean, I get the fact he wants to have fun with friends... but you're supposed to be his best friend. He should want to include you in his fun. For example, we had 6 people over tonight for dinner and some fun (I, the master griller, was grilling up a storm) and even though wifey & I were doing separate things (I was caught up in a pinochle game and she chatting with a couple) but we made eye contact and she came by to say 'hi' a few times... It's small things but it says "I care".
> 
> ...


The thing is we do everything together. We are both retired and are together 24/7 so the separate vacation things consists of him going to Boston to visit his son. We could not afford two airplane tickets.

Then next month I am taking the Amtrak to see my daughter and grandkids. She really does not have room for any guests so my grandson give up his room.

The issue for me is not so much visiting family separate it's more of one of him ignoring me when we are with people. Like you said, eye contact, a little hug, etc. to connect with one another is all I am asking.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

DMZ1 said:


> Once in awhile I will ask him why he never looks or talks to me when we are out in public and his response was once, o I see you all the time, I don't see these people! That floored me.



I have to disagree with one other person on here. There is nothing wrong with this. He has his style and his outlook on life, and you have yours. Neither of you is necessarily in the wrong here.

(I assume) he's not insulting you, gossiping behind your back, flirting with other women, or anything like that. He is simply focusing on his friends and family. In his mind, he lives with you, so he sees you at least 90% of the time, so he wants to focus that other 10% on other people. I can see his point. 

You could try a compromise, but honestly it would be forced from his point of view. When you are out with others, he would have to keep checking back in with you to reassure you every 15 minutes or so, and that's not coming from the heart, he's doing it out of fear of upsetting you.

Probably a better solution is to have stronger friends of your own. My guess is, when you do see friends, they are all more his friends than yours. Is that correct?


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## DMZ1 (Mar 17, 2013)

Theseus said:


> I have to disagree with one other person on here. There is nothing wrong with this. He has his style and his outlook on life, and you have yours. Neither of you is necessarily in the wrong here.
> 
> (I assume) he's not insulting you, gossiping behind your back, flirting with other women, or anything like that. He is simply focusing on his friends and family. In his mind, he lives with you, so he sees you at least 90% of the time, so he wants to focus that other 10% on other people. I can see his point.
> 
> ...


They are more his family. He tends to stick his nose into my family business so I visit my folks every fri. (they are elderly) and help them out by myself, sometimes my son comes.

I totally agree with you. He is never insulting and is a wonderful man. I just feel left out sometimes but I will have to learn how to deal with it. 

For example: Tomorrow he visits his daughter. She has Thursdays off. I go every other time. I think it's important for him to have dad, daughter time alone. She has his father's day gift, etc. 

It is just that I feel bypassed sometimes when we are with his daughter. I adore her and there is no jealousy. I just feel invisible sometimes when we go out.


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