# Guilty parties



## myheart (Nov 7, 2012)

My H was emotionally cheating with a new coworker a few months ago. So we've gone thru the motions where I've confronted him. Basically it consisted of group lunches, a few individual lunches, a day long outing (with a male friend) of common interest, and a few favours within his expertise (car help). She is single and not interested in having a family. We have 2 young children and a newborn, married for 9 years. 
I've caught him lying and hiding things which he initially denied but fessed up to as he said these things meant nothing and didn't want to upset me. I've asked only for the truth. So now I think he's finally got it. We went to MC for a couple sessions and it sort of helped but she didn't seem to offer him things he can do to build my trust as this is my main issue. She was more focused on how I should deal with it. I feel betrayed by him. 
I do think he still likes her as a month ago he said to a buddy in a text (I found) that he's still "attracted" to her, the day after they had a work event where she drank too much and got rowdy, and told me about it and thought it was very irresponsible of her. I asked him straight up and he denied it, but then finally said he thinks she's "attractive". Is there a difference? To me being attracted is more emotionally involved vs thinking someone is beautiful etc. Although he keeps saying he feels nothing and told me she doesn't really talk much/acknowledge him when she's in his work area at times. I told him really she is smart enough to not get involved with a married man and kids, and all women love attention and likely she used him for his help.
He agrees with this but, I think he thought he can get over her - he admitted he had a strong connection with her.

Yes, we've had issues in our marriage and things became dry for a few years and could never resolve anything and he didn't want MC back then.
On the other hand, I myself was emotionally attached to a coworker several years back (nothing happened and I never intended to do anything with him, though I admit we had a connection as well. We were good friends and both knew our standings with significant others). So he moved away and now has his own family. I never told H about it.
With my H, he seemed willing to see whether OW likes him and pretty much focused on her and not even thinking of sorting our relationship as a priority. He was too busy having fun while I was pregnant and stressed out, and for that time he couldn't even see this, until after a screaming session with our MC and then he started paying more attention to me, 6 weeks before my due date...! It's been a roller coaster for the past few months.
Now things are more settled. Though lately he hasn't mentioned OW as much anymore. We're trying to rebuild our relationship, should I tell him about what happened with myself? It did take me a while to 'get over' my friend, so I know that with H, it could be the same. They work together so he cannot avoid her. 
What sort of expectations should I have of him, seeing that both situations are similar, though in my eyes he's gone further with her emotionally. I don't think she is interested in him much, really.
Any advice? Thanks to all....!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You both need these books

Love Busters, His Needs Her Needs and the companion workbook 5 Steps to Romantic Love

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Neither of you has decent boundaries when it comes to members of the opposite sex. And your MC sounds incompetent if they didn't recommend your husband go NC with the OW!!!


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Trust takes time. You should read "Not Just Frieds" by Dr. Shirely Glass to understand the dynamixcs of EA and look at building trust.

For guys (at least this one) being attracted to someone has little to do with the person and a heck of a lot more to do with their physical appearance. Don't make matters even worse by reading meaning into a text between guys that was never there to begin with


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

He's attracted to her, he can never be alone with her, no lunch, no outings (seriously?) and no personal contact.

You were attracted to a man you say you were emotionally connected to (attracted to someone doesn't mean just looks), you should have never been alone with him.

*Both of you need to accept that forming personal emotional bonds with people of the opposite sex is unacceptable.*

T


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## LearninAsWeGo (Oct 20, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> ...
> Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
> 
> Neither of you has decent boundaries when it comes to members of the opposite sex. ...


Couldn't have said it better myself. Good post.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

myheart said:


> My H was emotionally cheating with a new coworker a few months ago. So we've gone thru the motions where I've confronted him. Basically it consisted of group lunches, a few individual lunches, a day long outing (with a male friend) of common interest, and a few favours within his expertise (car help). She is single and not interested in having a family. We have 2 young children and a newborn, married for 9 years.
> I've caught him lying and hiding things which he initially denied but fessed up to as he said these things meant nothing and didn't want to upset me. I've asked only for the truth. So now I think he's finally got it. We went to MC for a couple sessions and it sort of helped but she didn't seem to offer him things he can do to build my trust as this is my main issue. She was more focused on how I should deal with it. I feel betrayed by him.
> I do think he still likes her as a month ago he said to a buddy in a text (I found) that he's still "attracted" to her, the day after they had a work event where she drank too much and got rowdy, and told me about it and thought it was very irresponsible of her. I asked him straight up and he denied it, but then finally said he thinks she's "attractive". Is there a difference? To me being attracted is more emotionally involved vs thinking someone is beautiful etc. Although he keeps saying he feels nothing and told me she doesn't really talk much/acknowledge him when she's in his work area at times. I told him really she is smart enough to not get involved with a married man and kids, and all women love attention and likely she used him for his help.
> He agrees with this but, I think he thought he can get over her - he admitted he had a strong connection with her.
> ...


Being "attracted to" someone, for a man, usually means he wants to have sex. It's much different than a man saying he is "in love." She sounds like she's just using him anyway. You haven't posted many specific details, but I haven't read anything here that makes it seems that he is emotionally attached to her.


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## tonynw (Nov 7, 2012)

you both need to talk. you both should never have done what you done after taking vows infront of god. but everyone makes mistakes and if your both willing to see that then fix up and move on. life is too short.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I agree that the MC was not very competent. 
Look around for a MC trained and experienced in infidelity issues.

After the initial meetings set up and individual meeting with the MC if he/she seems competent. At that time you can discuss with her how to raise the issues you had in your past. 

Unless she has compelling reasons not to divulge your own issues you should bring it up at the next couples meeting. 

This is so that you both can see that it is not that hard to start seeking validation through others. Think about this.


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## myheart (Nov 7, 2012)

Thanks all for book references. I will pick one up... in the meantime, H has a work xmas party coming up that does not provide for spouses to go. I am almost sure that OW will be there. As I've not read any of these books yet - can you advise if his attendance to the party is out of bounds? They are not in the same dept but have worked together on a couple projects. At the other work event they sat together in a group so I don't see why they wouldn't, as I'm sure he still considers her a friend and has said before they are friends (and saying he doesn't have many female friends that he gets along well with...). I don't want to say he can't go, as he has other work friends there to hang out with. 

And just a note to the poster regarding texting that H is attracted to her, he did it *while I was in labour* and specifically asking on her whereabouts at work after the being drunk from the work outing. It was a homebirth and he was away from the room at the time (midwives with me). Would any husband think of doing this while his wife is in labour?? 

Also....no one has advised on whether I should tell him about past....?

Thanks...


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I've been to ONE christmas party in the last 10 yrs. Nothing special happens there. (well, nothing special is supposed to).
Spend that night christmas shopping together or touring christmas displays.

Tell your husband about your own poor choice. But do it in MC.


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## myheart (Nov 7, 2012)

What bothers me is he feels no guilt, says it was just summer fun. Am I supposed to accept this?? He isn't regretful of it and still wants to be friends with her. Does anyone think it is easy to get over someone they are very attracted to? Because they work together, he can't avoid her.
Btw, I have scheduled IC with a new counselor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your husband should NOT go to the Christmas party. He should also not be working with this woman. Seriously. He should be willing to find a new job if that's what you need. No way in hell should he think it's OK to be friends with her!!!!!!

You really need Not Just Friends.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Yikes. Lots of reminiscent things in your post. Read Not Just Friends together. In the meantime, how easy is it for you to get into his office? Can you pop up there. Don't let him separate you from his work. And if he's still attracted to her, there's still the threat. Because he's dwellig on it --- because it's a thought that grows. Lots of us here had husbands who's affairs (whether EA or PA) started in the office with an attraction, then flirting, then non-work necessary time and so on. Work parties where spouses aren't included IMO are bad news --- unless its during work hours at the office. But if it's a late night thing, or work retreats, mix in some booze and you have the potential for a whole lot goin' on. (Sorry, I'm now jaded.) Can you start tracking his email, cell use, and other things?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I think you should tell him. He's not going to like it, but it might make wake him up to the parallels in his behavior and how this sort of thing cannot be dismissed as just "summer fun". It's only "summer fun" because YOU were hurt, not him - he was having fun. He might see more clearly when he considers how he feels that you had a connection with another man.

It might be just the thing to blow the doors open on all the distance and doubt between you.


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## myheart (Nov 7, 2012)

He kept saying 'IF I go..' And stressing the if. Though a couple days ago he asked his mother to come out and help with the kids. After she left, I.asked him about it and he pretty much said that he went last year, he's just hanging out with friends, it's a nite out for him (our baby is almost 2 months so he's been staying in to help), & says he hasnt decided yet (this is a blatent lie if u ask me), & says will SHE's not going to be there. My response was, so you know everything about her life?! (He mentioned to me earlier she's going on vacation). 
Even if I ask him not to go, he will go, he thinks he deserves it, to be out. Even if OW would be there, he would still go I bet. Total disregard.... 
I have access to his work computer, and have seen most communication between them, that is how I found 
out he invited her out to do stuff with him, but she declined, or had other plans. The only social outing was 
the day trip, with another male friend. Seen his chats where he confided to his bro, and he gave him alot of 
s---. Yet H still defended his ground. And it would be the kind scolding all of us wants a cheater to have! (I've never spoken to his bro about it). That happened in the summer. I can't always get into his email unless it's open. can't get into his BB as I only sort of know the pw, and BB indicates the number of incorrect tries.
I've read too many things about what he thought about her, it is so hurtful... My previous counselor told me to stop checking for stuff. I did stop when I thought things were getting a bit better,.until something comes up..i don't trust him. Is it wrong to be snooping?
I told him a couple times what if he were in my shoes, and he said he can't put himself there, he says it was nothing. He cannot empathize. He sees my issue with her and thinks i'm overly dramatic and just jealous which I've told him it is betrayal. Now he only sees it as annoying when I say he's not over her.
Part of me wants us to rebuild, but the other part wants him to leave as I know our relationship won't be the same (how can u trust someone after betrayal?). 
My 2nd issue is he is verbally abusive to our kids....he's tried being calm but I get furious when this happens... I don't know what to do with this.
If I tell him.about my past feelings for OM, then he would think there is absolutely nothing wrong with what he's done so why am I giving him so much crap, he would just turn it around and remain unremorseful (my thoughts)....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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