# Overdue update



## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Have not been on here in about 3 years so many may not remember me and that's fine. Wife is asexual but in the time since my last visit (spring 2014), we have had sex twice and have had two children. One born in march 2014 and the other in december 2016. Sex drive has essentially died. The two kids and getting my dream job have taken precedence over sex and passion. It feels weird being male and not caring in the least if we touch, kiss, have sex. About once a month I masturbate but it is more of a sleep tool than a release. Has anybody else ever just given up and had their sex drive die a not so sweet death?


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Thanks for the update.

You are not alone. We were basically sexless for 20 years and I was vainly trying to get her interested. Then my wife got cancer and could not have sex for a year. Now I have little interest in partner sex. We get along much better now than when I was trying and failing to have sex with her.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*So sorry to hear that guys!

I wish I had an answer for you!*


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## DonaldDuck666 (Feb 20, 2017)

tyler1978 said:


> Have not been on here in about 3 years so many may not remember me and that's fine. Wife is asexual but in the time since my last visit (spring 2014), we have had sex twice and have had two children. One born in march 2014 and the other in december 2016. Sex drive has essentially died. The two kids and getting my dream job have taken precedence over sex and passion. It feels weird being male and not caring in the least if we touch, kiss, have sex. About once a month I masturbate but it is more of a sleep tool than a release. Has anybody else ever just given up and had their sex drive die a not so sweet death?


That doesn't sound like much a life to me. Why would you have children with someone like that? 

PS: you have some incredibly super sperm if you literally knocked her up the only two times you had sex.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Upon reading my initial post, I realize that the time line is a bit off. Since July 2013, we have had sex 6 times with the 4th and 6th times creating children. I have just settled into a new sexless life. My almost 3 year old son and I are peas in a pod. I would rather have a passionless/sexless life than not be around him every day.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Have an open marriage or leave her if she doesn't allow you. Man up. There is no shame in wanting to get your d!ck wet.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DonaldDuck666 said:


> That doesn't sound like much a life to me. Why would you have children with someone like that?
> 
> PS: *you have some incredibly super sperm if you literally knocked her up the only two times you had sex*.


Not really....true.

All those years of no sex? When Peter rabbit finally got in the garden, he shot at least two gallons in her.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

tyler1978 said:


> My almost 3 year old son and I are peas in a pod. I would rather have a passionless/sexless life than not be around him every day.


I can understand the kids, they are wonderful. 

What is the point of a marriage if there is no fulfillment from or with your partner? I hope that she is providing something to your life other than just a paycheck.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

We get along great as friends and coparents. Thoughtful gifts, pleasant conversation, helping each other out before work, etc. I get all the benefits of a marriage except sex. It used to dominate my thoughts but some emotional cost/benefit analysis said that lack of sex would not hurt as much as not seeing my kids every morning/night/day.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I could not live without sex and passion in my life. This may not be fulfilling as much as it is without conflict, and therefore peaceful, if nothing else.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

tyler1978 said:


> Have not been on here in about 3 years so many may not remember me and that's fine. Wife is asexual but in the time since my last visit (spring 2014), we have had sex twice and have had two children. One born in march 2014 and the other in december 2016. Sex drive has essentially died. T*he two kids and getting my dream job have taken precedence over sex and passion*. It feels weird being male and not caring in the least if we touch, kiss, have sex. About once a month I masturbate but it is more of a sleep tool than a release. Has anybody else ever just given up and had their sex drive die a not so sweet death?





tyler1978 said:


> Upon reading my initial post, I realize that the time line is a bit off. Since July 2013, we have had sex 6 times with the 4th and 6th times creating children. I have just settled into a new sexless life. *My almost 3 year old son and I are peas in a pod. I would rather have a passionless/sexless life than not be around him every day*.





tyler1978 said:


> We get along great as *friends and coparents*. Thoughtful gifts, pleasant conversation, *helping each other out before work*, etc. I get all the benefits of a marriage except sex. It used to dominate my thoughts but some emotional cost/benefit analysis said that lack of sex would not hurt as much as not seeing my kids every morning/night/day.


As someone who has been married to the same woman for over 45 years and once was in a Sex Starved Marriage, but through self change, introspection, reading lots of relationship books, help from a great sex therapist and hard work on the part of both my wife and myself rebuilt our marriage to include sex, I have a few recommendations for you.

I would like to suggest you get MW Davis Book the Sex Starved Marriage and study it and figure out how her lessons apply to you.

One of the things MW Davis recommends is getting a life, which involves improving yourself, often by physical exercise. That can be done by taking your nearly 3 year old swimming, walking, running, etc. 

In my SSM, I told myself that by throwing myself into my job that I was being a good provider. It wasn't true, I through myself into my job so that I would get the praise and emotional companionship from co-workers that my wife wasn't giving me at home and that I needed.

May I also suggest that you sit down with your wife and ask her something that our sex therapist gave my wife and me as a homework assignment. Ask each other what you "want" your marriage to look like in 10 years, 20 years, 30 years? See if after your two children are grown and out of the house, that she and you both want a sexless marriage with no intimacy. 

It was after we became empty-nesters and a boomerang child finally left home with their spouse that we suddenly confronted the lack of intimacy. My wife indicated that she could grow old and die with just friendship and memories. I found that I took a vow of marriage and not a vow of chastity. My ethics wouldn't allow me to cheat on her and my sexuality wouldn't allow me to wall off part of my core being.

Good luck to you.

Just for kicks, you might also want to read Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy. It is not about becoming a jerk, but about becoming an integrated man, who is not codependent on a wife, doesn't need a woman to validate his existence, and is responsible for doing things that makes him happy.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I have went over this before..probably with you. I read those books and applied the concepts to no avail. I have been an independent soul since a very young age and that has not changed. I already pursue my hobbies on a solo basis. This predates my knowing my wife by 20 years. My overly independent ways are probably part of the problem. I live the same life that I would if I was single from 615 am to 7 pm monday through friday. 

As for physical activity with my son, that is what we do every night, weekend, and holiday. Depending on time and whether, we find some way to be active and get out. As for myself, I am active when time allows. 

As for the job, it is not overly stressful. No overtime. We are now roughly equal in earnings. I make less take home but the benefits are outstanding. I do not dedicate myself completely to the job. Once it is 5, i head home and am dad until 830 pm. At that time, I do necessary stuff around the house, read, go to sleep.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Since you feel you have done all "you" can do through your own efforts, if you aren't happy with your situation, you might just want to ask what kind of relationship do you want in 10 years, 20 years, 30 years. 

If it is much different than the one you now have, you may ask yourself how you get try (might not make it) to get to where you want to be. 

My suggestion would be a board certified sex therapist either trained in the Gottman method or the Sue Johnson emotionally focused therapy method.

Good Luck.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

are you saying you had sex exactly two times, and got her pregnant both times? Really? The odds of that are around zero, she is shtooping the mail man too.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Maybe. Maybe not. I got H2 pregnant the first try twice. Both times Dr called to warn us of genetic abnormality. Lucky it was same abnormality I have. So they are nuts like me, but they are surely mine.
And we had close to zero sex before and after the conceptions. So it can be done.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

My wife is asexual (five times in six-plus years), and I've noticed my drive has gone down (it's not totally dead, but it's not what it was). I do masturbate sometimes, but even then I notice that it's not as strong, if you know what I mean. 

Some people (men and women) just don't view sex as an important part of a marriage. My wife views sex as work and is always complaining about being tired, having a headache, etc. so I don't even bother. If she's in the mood, she knows where to find me - I've given up trying.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

If you've decided to stay in a sexless marriage; then it is a blessing if your sex drive withers up and dies.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> are you saying you had sex exactly two times, and got her pregnant both times?  Really? The odds of that are around zero, she is shtooping the mail man too.


No. This is entirely possible.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

ChargingCharlie said:


> My wife is asexual (five times in six-plus years), and I've noticed my drive has gone down (it's not totally dead, but it's not what it was). I do masturbate sometimes, but even then I notice that it's not as strong, if you know what I mean.
> 
> Some people (men and women) just don't view sex as an important part of a marriage. *My wife views sex as work and is always complaining about being tired,* having a headache, etc. so I don't even bother. If she's in the mood, she knows where to find me - I've given up trying.


Yeah...you guys (and gals) craving sex all the time have no freaking clue how difficult it is to put 30 minutes of grueling effort into sex...

Asexuals can kiss my ass. Seriously. If you don't want to have sex, DON'T MARRY PEOPLE WITH NORMAL SEX DRIVES!!! Extremely self centered people. How hard is it to find another asexual to spend the rest of your life with???


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Tyler, it will be interesting to see where you are at in 5 years. Hopefully you are at in your 40s. Otherwise...


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Asexuals can kiss my ass. Seriously. If you don't want to have sex, DON'T MARRY PEOPLE WITH NORMAL SEX DRIVES!!!




@tyler1978 I don't know your story. Was it like this from day one with your wife? 

Was there any sexual activity before marriage?

Do you think *you* were deceived; or was *she* always disinterested in sex?


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Talker67 said:
> 
> 
> > are you saying you had sex exactly two times, and got her pregnant both times? Really? The odds of that are around zero, she is shtooping the mail man too.
> ...


 but highly improbable


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

As I state in a previous post, my timeline was a bit off. Had sex 3 or 4 times in july 2013, conceived a child. Have had sex twice since that time, the second time conceiving our daughter born in december 2016


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

We were fairly active until 2010 when it simply dried up. We were married in 2009. I do not feel deceived just a bit abandoned.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

tyler1978 said:


> We get along great as friends and coparents. Thoughtful gifts, pleasant conversation, helping each other out before work, etc. I get all the benefits of a marriage except sex. It used to dominate my thoughts but some emotional cost/benefit analysis said that lack of sex would not hurt as much as not seeing my kids every morning/night/day.


Would that really change if you got divorced though. You can still be good friends and co-parents and you can find someone else.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I don't know. I guess I should entertain the idea. Living elsewhere automatically says to me that I would not see them every night, every morning, and every minute of the weekends and holidays. It's worth considering


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I sometimes wonder if people put so much into the relationships with their kids because of the hole in their marriage and hearts.

Either that or I'm a giant **** 

I travelled for 9 years - gone weekdays. Stopped when my youngest were 2 (now 18) to be present as a father figure.

But I'm positive I could live with 50% coparenting. Kids don't require more - they are amazing, adaptable things.

They actually don't benefit from being smothered (after the first few years)

Any chance you are getting more love from them to compensate for what's missing in the marriage?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

That's probably the case. At the moment, it is satisfying enough. Getting nothing from the wife is not bothering me like it used to.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> are you saying you had sex exactly two times, and got her pregnant both times? Really? The odds of that are around zero, she is shtooping the mail man too.


Nah. Reckless and irresponsible advice based on false facts doled out by someone who really has no clue. 

Me and the exwife used the withdrawal method until we were ready to have kids. I left it in, shot my load twice, and she got pregnant immediately on both occasions (4 years apart).

If you're both fertile and you give her a load of sperm while she's ovulating, which is a few days out of each month, you can go ahead and start putting the nursery together. 

The odds of pregnancy from one particular copulation or even two may not be 100% but they certainly aren't close to zero.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Especially since the wife was probably tracing and knew when she was fertile. If she is averse to sex with her H as she seems, she would want to make sure she didn't have to tolerate that interaction any more often than absolutely necessary.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

uh...if you...say...so....


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Will be 40 next year so close enough. I think that things will change once the kids are in school and have friends. At the moment, it is all I do in my spare time.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

tyler1978 said:


> We get along great as friends and coparents. Thoughtful gifts, pleasant conversation, helping each other out before work, etc. I get all the benefits of a marriage except sex. It used to dominate my thoughts but some emotional cost/benefit analysis said that lack of sex would not hurt as much as not seeing my kids every morning/night/day.


Why have children with her. Why not find someone that would have made your life whole?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

tyler1978 said:


> Have not been on here in about 3 years so many may not remember me and that's fine. Wife is asexual but in the time since my last visit (spring 2014), we have had sex twice and have had two children. One born in march 2014 and the other in december 2016. Sex drive has essentially died. The two kids and getting my dream job have taken precedence over sex and passion. It feels weird being male and not caring in the least if we touch, kiss, have sex. About once a month I masturbate but it is more of a sleep tool than a release. Has anybody else ever just given up and had their sex drive die a not so sweet death?





ChargingCharlie said:


> My wife is asexual (five times in six-plus years), and I've noticed my drive has gone down (it's not totally dead, but it's not what it was). I do masturbate sometimes, but even then I notice that it's not as strong, if you know what I mean.
> 
> Some people (men and women) just don't view sex as an important part of a marriage. My wife views sex as work and is always complaining about being tired, having a headache, etc. so I don't even bother. If she's in the mood, she knows where to find me - I've given up trying.


As someone who is not in a sexless marriage, but who has an extremely LD/responsive desire partner (ie once a week, like clockwork, not an ounce of sexuality, never mind sex, outside of this weekly timeframe), I can tell you that the LD/ND/asexual partner always 'wins' in the end.

My drive used to be high. Like daily. The frustration at not having sex daily then changed to not having sex every 2nd day, then every 3rd. Now I'm "happy" with once a week, and the rest of the week doesn't bother me.

Was that actually ME changing, or simply adapting to my circumstances/surroundings? Totally the latter, IMO.

I have no doubt that if my sex life went from weekly to bi-weekly, I'd adapt over time. Or monthly, or twice a year. Or never. We humans are adaptable like this, particularly when the rest of the circumstances are ideal - as in your case (mine too).

We instinctually find ways to repress things that are no longer 'necessary' for survival. You have a partner whom you love, and you have procreated with her, and the rest of the relationship is good or great. Your brain has told you that there's no need for sex, and it's technically not wrong. But it's not right, either.

As you've alluded to, you're unsure of what you will feel once the kids are older and don't want/need their old man hanging around 24/7. You may find other things to occupy your time, but it's unlikely those things will carry the gravitas of being a dad. And worse, once they're actually out of the house, on their own, and it's just you and your wife, there will almost certainly be a sense of emptiness.

Sex is not necessary for one's own survival, but it is for the survival of a relationship. A healthy one, anyway. There is nothing on earth that comes close to fulfilling those basic human needs of intimacy and emotion - which is what separates relationships and marriages from friendships and partnerships.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

ABHale said:


> tyler1978 said:
> 
> 
> > We get along great as friends and coparents. Thoughtful gifts, pleasant conversation, helping each other out before work, etc. I get all the benefits of a marriage except sex. It used to dominate my thoughts but some emotional cost/benefit analysis said that lack of sex would not hurt as much as not seeing my kids every morning/night/day.
> ...


When we had the first, I was under the incorrect assumption that it may change. However, nothing really changed. I have no regrets though. Raising our son and bring with him has proven to be fulfilling aND satisfying like nothing else. When he wants his own life, the void will come back and then who knows.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

tyler1978 said:


> When we had the first, I was under the incorrect assumption that it may change. However, nothing really changed. I have no regrets though. Raising our son and bring with him has proven to be fulfilling aND satisfying like nothing else. When he wants his own life, the void will come back and then who knows.


You are almost 40, you are talking about being almost 60 by then.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

tyler1978 said:


> When we had the first, I was under the incorrect assumption that it may change.


Having children doesn't fix problems in relationships it exacerbates them.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

Since you're 40 odds are that your blood testosterone levels are dropping. Be prepared for other side effects to come into play. Get your prostate checked. 1 in 3 men have theirs removed at the first sign of trouble. I'm not saying that lack of sex could contribute to such things, but it's only prudent to think that the changes in you and your wife could also be due to hormone imbalances or some other underlying physical issue.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

A lot of folks claiming they are in a sexless marriage don't realize its sexless only for them.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

ABHale said:


> tyler1978 said:
> 
> 
> > When we had the first, I was under the incorrect assumption that it may change. However, nothing really changed. I have no regrets though. Raising our son and bring with him has proven to be fulfilling aND satisfying like nothing else. When he wants his own life, the void will come back and then who knows.
> ...


This is the bed that I have made. At the moment, I am not unhappy. The nagging urge to have sex has since died. Plenty of other worthwhile pursuits to keep my mind occupied.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

stixx said:


> Having children doesn't fix problems in relationships it exacerbates them.


Spot on.


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