# I'm new and lost



## inago (Nov 6, 2011)

I'm not sure how I ended up here... or if I even should be. I'm canadian so if this is an American board I apologise....

I guess I've known about this for a long time I just didn't want to admit it openly to myself. The signs are all there. The only thing I haven't done is investigate. I'm so scared to start looking closely. Where do I start? I just don't know. 

Do I confront him without having any real hard proof but for my suspicions, the credit card bills and websites?

A little guidence please I'm feeling very confused right now...


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If you feel your spouse is cheating don`t even mention your concerns until you have some objective evidence.

Chances are they will lie.

If you can say what makes you feel like they`re cheating the regulars here can give you excellent advice.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It doesn't matter what nationality you are, as long as you can read and write english that is.

DO NOT confront him without proof. If you do he will not only gaslight you (see definition of gaslighting below) but take any affair he is engaged in underground.



> *Gaslighting* is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.


If you have the money, hire a private investigator. If you don't, consider installing a keylogger on the home computer to find out if he has any hidden accounts such as email, social networking, etc. Install, or have somebody do it for you, a GPS monitor so you can track where he goes at anytime during the day. Purchase VARs (voice activated recorders) and place them in hidden places such as underneath the drivers seat of his car and in all the rooms of your house. 

There is a male member of this forum with the user name of Lordmayhem who you may want to send a PM to ask for information on how to carry out a successful investigation.

I'm so sorry you are here but you won't find a better place for a betrayed spouse than here at TAM. All of us here can relate to what you are going through because we've been there before. We can offer you emotional support and guidance if you need it.


----------



## inago (Nov 6, 2011)

I am aware of some of the sites he's visited... most are forums for discreet hookups 

Some were for... god this is humiliating... Some were for escort reviewing... I don't know if he has been to see an escort but why else would you be on a site like that?

I'm making a doctors appointment tomorrow as it is. I can't take the chance he's passed something on to me.... I feel like I'm losing my mind and the fact he's acting like nothing is going on is just incredible. 

I've seen a few sites that have keyloggers but the gps I didn't think of...

What about these sites that say they can track phone numbers and another site said that if he saw an escort they would have a record of his number and who he saw... has anyone tried these? 

Thanks so much for the responses


----------



## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

Just let me say, I'm sorry. I know what you are going through and I know how badly it hurts. I found my husband's affair and had to confront him about it. I'm almost 3 months out from D-day. I did have proof before I confronted him. My situation was similar. He was basically in a physical affair with a women he met at a restaurant. Get some proof and confront him. The longer you let it go, the deeper he will get in.


----------



## inago (Nov 6, 2011)

I think I'm happy i found this forum. I've been talking to a friend about all this and she said I should be thinking about forgiving him and not finding ways of proving guilt. I should confront with what I have and work through it.

I've gone and gotten a gps and a voice activated recorder. I'll have to check the keylogger thing out tomorrow and a website I'm seriously thinking about joining that tells if he's made calls to escorts. I've watched the video a few times and it looks easy enough and he'll never know its totally private. I hope the keylogger is simple I'm not that computer savy. 

My problem is I feel wretched for doing all of this and angry at the same time for feeling I have to do these things.

How did things work out for you?


Thanks again for the response


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You need to moniter him closely, and when you have good solid evidence, that he can't deny----you confront him, quietly, with icy calm, and do not allow him to back you down

You have nothing to lose, as your mge., already has a huge crack in it

When you confront, you also let him know you do not intend to stay with a cheater, and either he changes or you will file for D., that's if you wanna stay at all----you have much to think about, and prepare for

Just make sure you make this your ballgame, and its to be played by your rules only


----------



## RelationshipCoach (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm sorry. You have just entered a group that no one ever wants to be a part of. We are here for you. 

Yes, do all that you have mentioned to get your proof. The more you get, the better. 

Now, once you do get the proof, don't be surprised if he STILL denies it. Yes, he could possibly still deny it. <sigh>

Just ignore the denial and as one poster stated make an ultimatum. 

As you stated, speaking to your friends will invite many different opinions that won't sit well with you. You'll feel widely misunderstood and alone. It's okay. No one truly understands what it's like until they are in your situation. 

Listen to yourself and only yourself and what you want to do. You are the master of your relationship. 

Just know, this is going to hurt. Finding out the truth with proof, confronting, hearing it, dealing with it, hearing more, seeing more, - it all hurts...and it hurts some more. But the more you hurt...the stronger you'll get. You won't feel like it at the time, but believe me - get through all that rage, sadness, confusion and turmoil you feel by letting those crashing waves come over you and you'll "wake up" from this nightmare in a new life. 

I'm so sorry for this pain...but we're all here to help you through it!!! ~Marcelina


----------



## inago (Nov 6, 2011)

I'm sitting here crying because already I feel like I'm understood and I'm not going crazy. 

I'm just every so thankful to all of you for acepting me.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Believe me you ain't alone---unfortunately, you are part of a very huge group, who has done nothing to deserve what they are getting from there disprespecting spouses


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

inago said:


> I'm sitting here crying because already I feel like I'm understood and I'm not going crazy.
> 
> I'm just every so thankful to all of you for acepting me.


You are not going crazy.

Keep a journal of all the things you know are true and when he tries to gaslight, reread that list and stand firm in your truth.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

inago said:


> I think I'm happy i found this forum. I've been talking to a friend about all this and she said I should be thinking about forgiving him and not finding ways of proving guilt. I should confront with what I have and work through it.


This is the most common mistake that the newly betrayed make. I did this, confronting too soon. The very worst thing you can do is sweep this under the rug like your friend is recommending. It solves nothing, and only hurts you more as your resentment builds up and and prevents you from healing. Take the advice above about further investigation, AND DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT IT.


----------



## inago (Nov 6, 2011)

Well I had a very busy day yesterday. I got all that I needed done. I had some help with the keylogger.... holy that was complicated. I contacted thebigblackbook and asked if they could send me anything on the numbers he called how many times he's called and WOW they agreed! 

The voice recorder didn't bare any fruit but it's only been a couple of days... GPS has shown me he is way out of his way and a known bad area for street walkers....

Why am I telling you this? Because you've all made me feel stronger.

I'll admit I was feeling pretty bad when I wrote that first post. Now I feel resigned to the fact that he is doing exactly what he shouldn't be. 
Now I'm angry... very angry. I wanted to thank you all and I'll keep this updated as things go along. Thanks again!

P.S lordmayhem your little picture had me trying to catch it cause I thought it was real!


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If there is any good news here, it's that there isn't an OW or emotions involved, so you don't have another person to get rid of.

Instead, you have a husband who has decided to see out sex from strangers, which is a different beast than having him in affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

once you have a user name on the sites he visits you can go thru and see if he has posted any reviews


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am so sorry you are here. I know exactly how you feel. My husband was involved with sex escort agencies and had a street hooker give him oral sex. I found out when he left his email open one day. You've gotten some great advice! Just know you are not alone, and you have done NOTHING wrong. Nothing whatsoever. And getting angry at him is a GOOD thing.


----------



## sam&karl (Oct 16, 2011)

once a cheater always a cheater


----------



## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

that_girl said:


> You are not going crazy.
> 
> Keep a journal of all the things you know are true and when he tries to gaslight, reread that list and stand firm in your truth.


My journal has kept me on a fairly even keel. I am so sorry you are going through this. This is such a painful thing, most people have no idea how much it hurts until it happens to them. Forgiveness may not be appropriate for some time to come, and knee jerk forgiveness may do more harm than good. There are a lot of things that need to be worked on and understood before you can forgive. Take very good care of yourself. Individual counseling helped me a lot post d-day. Huggs


----------



## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

And DON'T, don't, don't under any circumstances, confront him until you have tangible evidence one way or the other. He will make you nuts.

I'm sure you feel you're going nuts either way, but afterward there is just NO WAY to get proof and he'll make you feel YOU were wrong to suspect him.


----------



## inago (Nov 6, 2011)

I slipped outside and into the garage and took out the recorder. I was so nervous I'd get caught. I'm just sick doing these things and to boot there was nothing on it but him singing. I put it back under his seat and nearly died when I saw him in the kitchen. He asked where I had been outside in my pj's.... and I said outside saying good night to my lover. Did we wake you? I asked sarcastically and he said no the neighbors cat yowling did. Me to! I said a little too relieved but I was honestly about die! I'm sure I had a heart attack or 2. I left him alone with the computer this evening I'm hoping he's done some surfing. Sad that I'm saying I hope he does. I'm sick of his lies and my having to lie. 

Oaksthorne: I love the journal idea. That way I can vent even if it is to just me. Mybe I could gift it to him for christmas?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Just to lighten up the mood a little, I thought I would interject a little story about VARs from another infidelity support forum. There was this BW who was regularly got good info from the VAR she had planted in her WH's car. One time, the velcro didn't hold tight and he found it and panicked, thinking it was a bomb! He tried telling his coworkers that his wife tried to plant a bomb in his car, even though anyone with half a brain would see it was a VAR. Another story is that the WH and the OW found the VAR in the car and they panicked because they couldn't reset it, so they threw it out. So the lesson is to hide the VAR in a good place and/or use good industrial strength velcro or duct tape.

Another guy had balls, he was able to plant a VAR inside his WW's purse without her realizing it was there. He scored gold on that one because the other VARs were turning up nothing.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I know if I wanted to see escorts there is noway anyone would know unless there was a PI tailing me. prepaid cell phones, Google voice, cash only just makes it too easy. 

Best of luck catching him!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stay strong, it will be tough, soon he will slip up and all will be revealed.
Jumping the gun with out proof will only lead to a weak confrontation. When you do confront you want the proof to be undenialable. 

Not only will the proof help in confronting but it will also help you in fighting his affair later on down the road whenit comes time to expose this to others.

In gathering this proof it will help in the future by making the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible. So make sure you can get hard copies that you can show him and prove to others why you are doing the things you need to do later on as this will get messy.


----------

