# I want reconciliation..he doesnt speak to me



## MiseryIsHere

My husband left over a week and a half ago. He left a note in the kitchen while I was at work saying he had moved out. He told me how he loved me as well. I THINK I know where he is but I dont know for sure. I have desperatly tried contacting him but he won't respond. He finally sent me an email but only said that he wasn't comfortable answering questions right now and he planned on filing for divorce. I desperatly want him back. We had a good marriage, I truly believe we did. We had issues with his family, however, which should have been worked out years ago but werent. It can only be my assumption that this caused him to leave. I lost my temper during a fight about the situation the night before he left. However, besides that, we had a wonderful weekend and this relationship has a lot of love in it.There are no children. I just want to talk to him at this point. I feel that our relationship deserves that at the very least. I dont understand how he isnt concerned about me at all. Quite frankly, I am doing horribly. I cannot just give up on this marriage. What can I do next? My only line of contact I have is his email now.He has been paying the bills. I truly believe that if we talked we could work through this. I have a counselor I am seeing. I dont want to throw out 10 years like this. Can someone offer some kind of advice? What are the chances of reconciliation?


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## EuphoricConfessions

It takes 2 people to R. If he does not want to talk to you, you should just give him time. The best thing you can do right now is work on yourself.


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## MiseryIsHere

Should I still send him emails? I sent one last Thursday and another last night and today. I didnt intend on sending two in a row but the first was financial related. Do husbands who leave and do not communicate with you ever return? Anyone have experience with that?


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## CanadianGuy

Back off. I know you miss him and you do not understand why he has done this. Do not contact him anymore. Only if you really need to for anything other than the reasons he left. Do not talk about the marriage with him. Keep conversations simple and to the point no matter how badly you may want to talk about the marriage. If you talk with him of the phone sound happy not upset. 

Read. 

http://ezinearticles.com/?Boundaries---Save-Your-Marriage-or-Relationship&id=542526

Hope this helps.


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## hibiscus

I think you need to give him his space. Sounds like he needs time out and I doubt there will be anything that you say at this moment to make him change his mind. 

Sometimes space can be a godsend. He may start missing you.


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## MiseryIsHere

Does it ever really "work" to just back off? Do they ever come back?


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## MSC71

*Re: Re: I want reconciliation..he doesnt speak to me*



MiseryIsHere said:


> Does it ever really "work" to just back off? Do they ever come back?


It's your best chance. And it is the hardest thing to do. But you must do it.


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## lifeistooshort

People that beg, cling, and pester are unattractive and unappealing. People that tell you not to let the door hit your a$$ on the way out are more appealing, esp when they've been treated poorly. Leaving a note is treating you poorly. Even if he does decide he wants to cone back, make him work for it or he won't value it. Get a job so you can support yourself and your kids, so you don't look like you need his paycheck. You're more attractive when you can support yourself. If you have to move then move. Your hb knows you can't afford the house so clearly that wasn't a concern of his.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MiseryIsHere

@lifeistooshort...your reply seemed awfully harsh. I cannot criticize him. I love him dearly. I am worried about him and I want good things for him. I understand having him "work for it" but I won't treat him badly. I want to do things right. I have two jobs but I make very little. I am a student with no children. I want to try saving this marriage..I believe it is more than worth it.I am trying to "back off" and I hope that he thinks positively of me.


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## somethingelse

How old are you and your husband? And what kind of family issues were you having?


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## marcer69

MiseryIsHere said:


> Does it ever really "work" to just back off? Do they ever come back?


MiseryIsHere~

I've gotten mixed results with the same question. I've yet to hear of any success with 180 rule. I would believe as the perpetrator of the offenses or action which caused your spouse to leave...the 180 is a bad idea. I do agree that you shouldn't beg or get clingy. This doesn't help. On the other hand, I think it's important to let your spouse know you love and miss them...plus continue to work on you. 180 does not turn a hardened heart and out of sight out of mind may happen...just my two cents as I'm going through the same thing.

Good luck


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## 2ntnuf

I always wonder if I was more like the person she met, would she have thought about staying. I think so. I can't prove it though. I guess being in the anguish you are in, it would be nearly impossible to be that woman again? If you could be something like that woman, what would you look like? How would you act? We can't go back and be that person. We can be a better version of that person. How would you get there? What would you do? What qualities do you recognize having then that you don't have now?

The 180 is meant to help you become stronger. It is meant for you to feel better about yourself. It sometimes will make them take notice. 

Here are some sites for you to look at. I can't promise they will help. I hope you find something that will help you. In the mean time. I will keep you and marcer in my prayers tonight. It may not help. It can't hurt. 

Stop That Divorce!, Dr. David, Christian Marriage Help and Advice

Saving a Christian Marriage from Divorce: Ten things you should know | Healthy Living Seminars Family Life Blog

Welcome to Rejoice Marriage Ministries Bookstore - Stop Divorce Christian Bookstore

Marriage & Relationships - Focus on the Family

Divorce Busting® - How to Save Your Marriage, Solve Marriage Problems, and Stop Divorce

Marriage Savers: Is Your Marriage in Trouble?

Marriage Builders Â® - Successful Marriage Advice

They are not all Christian based. You will have to take a look at them. There are a couple I'm not sure about. Michele Weiner Davis seems to have a good concept. Focus on the Family has good information. Marriage builder's is a good site. I just don't know for sure. Maybe you can gather yourself enough to look at them and try one. I'm sorry you are hurting. I really am.


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## hank_rea

marcer69 said:


> MiseryIsHere~
> 
> I've gotten mixed results with the same question. I've yet to hear of any success with 180 rule. I would believe as the perpetrator of the offenses or action which caused your spouse to leave...the 180 is a bad idea. I do agree that you shouldn't beg or get clingy. This doesn't help. On the other hand, I think it's important to let your spouse know you love and miss them...plus continue to work on you. 180 does not turn a hardened heart and out of sight out of mind may happen...just my two cents as I'm going through the same thing.
> 
> Good luck


That's because the 180 is for you to help get over your heartache. There isn't really a fool-proof method to getting your wayward partner back. I've seen a few success stories with the 180 on here but there definitely doesn't seem to be a high number of cases where the 180 actually does work to bring your loved one home. "Out of sight, out of mind" is what I worry about the most in my situation, as I have no children with my ex and we live 4 hours away from each other. What I was doing wasn't helping, though (I had been nagging her the whole time we've been separated to get back together when she has told me time and time again that she can't get past what I told her when I signed the divorce papers and that she probably won't be able to for a while) 

Truth be told I shouldn't even be in this section right now. R isn't even on the table in my situation. Just looking for something positive on this site. 

But yeah, if he asks for space, give it to him. Are you sure he's not seeing someone else?


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## FormerSelf

I know it feels completely counter-intuitive to back away when you want to get closer...but this is your only way, 'cos you need to elevate your value in his eyes if you want to win him back over. Crying, begging, pleading, calling, texting, clinging, yelling, screaming...is only going to push him more and more away. He felt the desire to flee for some reason...and you have to let him go. You have ZERO chance for reconciliation if you try to demonstrate your love, try to steer him back...yet you will have a much better chance that you cut off communication, pull your self together, get some support, and if you have any communication, be short and business-like, showing a growing confidence in yourself and that you are taking car of yourself. You absence will lessen the tension he feels to get away...and your self-improvement will cause him to question his actions. At the same time, this is about regaining your self-respect. You may vehemently disagree, but his behavior fits in line with affair behavior...whether that is true or not, a book I recommend is Love Must Be Tough...it is about responding to infidelity, but it also systematically explains why backing away in a relationship in crisis is vital.
Personal opinion: If you feel like you are in the dark, something doesn't add up...you feel like you are being punished for an unknown crime...it is more than likely an affair. Aside from that, it just sounds like a sick situation as to why his parents are supporting this immature behavior...and you don't need that.


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## whitehawk

marcer69 said:


> MiseryIsHere~
> 
> I've gotten mixed results with the same question. I've yet to hear of any success with 180 rule. I would believe as the perpetrator of the offenses or action which caused your spouse to leave...the 180 is a bad idea. I do agree that you shouldn't beg or get clingy. This doesn't help. On the other hand, I think it's important to let your spouse know you love and miss them...plus continue to work on you. 180 does not turn a hardened heart and out of sight out of mind may happen...just my two cents as I'm going through the same thing.
> 
> Good luck



l agree with this , it is good for you of course but l'm not so sure at all about an R. l could say that if we'd had no contact and acted full 180 , we'd be done . l know how it would effect us and why and l'd put money on it , um !


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## whitehawk

M , l don't think it'd be family. Could be , God knows family have ruined many a marriage but l don't think.

l think he's maybe been troubled for awhile but maybe been covering.


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## 2ntnuf

FormerSelf said:


> I know it feels completely counter-intuitive to back away when you want to get closer...but this is your only way, 'cos you need to elevate your value in his eyes if you want to win him back over. Crying, begging, pleading, calling, texting, clinging, yelling, screaming...is only going to push him more and more away. He felt the desire to flee for some reason...and you have to let him go. You have ZERO chance for reconciliation if you try to demonstrate your love, try to steer him back...yet you will have a much better chance that you cut off communication, pull your self together, get some support, and if you have any communication, be short and business-like, showing a growing confidence in yourself and that you are taking car of yourself. You absence will lessen the tension he feels to get away...and your self-improvement will cause him to question his actions. At the same time, this is about regaining your self-respect. You may vehemently disagree, but his behavior fits in line with affair behavior...whether that is true or not, a book I recommend is Love Must Be Tough...it is about responding to infidelity, but it also systematically explains why backing away in a relationship in crisis is vital.
> Personal opinion: If you feel like you are in the dark, something doesn't add up...you feel like you are being punished for an unknown crime...it is more than likely an affair. Aside from that, it just sounds like a sick situation as to why his parents are supporting this immature behavior...and you don't need that.


This was a great post. It explains much. I just wanted to underline what I read to be the most important points dealing with the 180 and make a comment.

I do believe that it is how we react to the situation that will show the wayward we deserve respect. Respect is highly important and is lost quite easily. You must first respect yourself. I believe that the communication must surround respecting yourself in such a way that you are trying to command respect. The issue with many troubled marriages is that it took a long time for it to get this far. That respect takes a while to earn. That's probably why many do not make it. They have only realized major issues when that respect has been gone so long that one partner decides to leave.

This has little to do with the decision to have an affair. Finding respect attractive in another is part of the desire for an affair. The issue is, it is still a decision to have an affair or not irrespective of the issues in the marriage.

Communication is the key in maintaining a good relationship. It took time to get to know each other and build enough respect and love to get married. It takes time to tear that down and even more to rebuild it again. It is a mountain to climb and the 180 will help you to build the respect in yourself that must be there before anyone else can learn to respect you again. You have to show consistently that you deserve respect from him. 

You did it before. You can do it again. Whether that would be enough to turn him around is another separate issue. You will grow strong enough to handle whatever comes your way. The 180 can help.


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## MiseryIsHere

I am quite positive that there is not another woman. I have several reasons for that.

In the note he left me, he was very loving. I cannot say enough times that I believe that if we just talked, everything would be fine. The struggle is just getting him to talk. In some ways, I think he is not talking because he knows he would come back.


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## 2ntnuf

Divorce Busters. Books on communication and needs.


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## marcer69

2ntnuf said:


> I always wonder if I was more like the person she met, would she have thought about staying. I think so. I can't prove it though. I guess being in the anguish you are in, it would be nearly impossible to be that woman again? If you could be something like that woman, what would you look like? How would you act? We can't go back and be that person. We can be a better version of that person. How would you get there? What would you do? What qualities do you recognize having then that you don't have now?
> 
> The 180 is meant to help you become stronger. It is meant for you to feel better about yourself. It sometimes will make them take notice.
> 
> Here are some sites for you to look at. I can't promise they will help. I hope you find something that will help you. In the mean time. I will keep you and marcer in my prayers tonight. It may not help. It can't hurt.
> 
> Stop That Divorce!, Dr. David, Christian Marriage Help and Advice
> 
> Saving a Christian Marriage from Divorce: Ten things you should know | Healthy Living Seminars Family Life Blog
> 
> Welcome to Rejoice Marriage Ministries Bookstore - Stop Divorce Christian Bookstore
> 
> Marriage & Relationships - Focus on the Family
> 
> Divorce Busting® - How to Save Your Marriage, Solve Marriage Problems, and Stop Divorce
> 
> Marriage Savers: Is Your Marriage in Trouble?
> 
> Marriage Builders Â® - Successful Marriage Advice
> 
> They are not all Christian based. You will have to take a look at them. There are a couple I'm not sure about. Michele Weiner Davis seems to have a good concept. Focus on the Family has good information. Marriage builder's is a good site. I just don't know for sure. Maybe you can gather yourself enough to look at them and try one. I'm sorry you are hurting. I really am.


2ntnuf~

thank you for the prayers...Lord knows I need them.

I believe the 180 can work in certain situations and I do believe we need time to heal and deal with those issues leading to our behavior. I do not believe the 180 works for a person like me. I've used 1890 during my entire relationship with my wife and now need to show a different side. 

I wrote on my thread, how a buddy used the Love Dare to win his wife back. It worked for him and I'm hoping it may work for me although my wife and I are separated. My friend believes had he implemented the the 180 rule...he and his wife would not have made it. Appreciate the links as well


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## FormerSelf

MiseryIsHere said:


> In the note he left me, he was very loving. I cannot say enough times that I believe that if we just talked, everything would be fine. The struggle is just getting him to talk. In some ways, I think he is not talking because he knows he would come back.


Well this is partially true and partially a fallacy. If he does comes back...it will be because he will consider the investment he has already put in, his love for you, and all of the reasons why his actions are stupid...this is his LOGICAL side...but if you keep pressuring him...his logic will switch off to FIGHT or FLIGHT reactivity...and he will box his way out of the corner if he feels trapped. I KNOW, I acted and responded to my wife EXACTLY how you did...and thought "All I have to do is reason with her, show her that I love her and want to try harder!!" THIS is the FALLACY...the wrongness in my thinking. This reaction of panic to save my marriage had me ready to pounce the second she swung by, barraging her with value-statements as to why she was wrong in her behavior. Of course, she was cheating on me, but still the impulse to be repulsed by our needy behavior applies. 
YOU will not be able to control him back...he will only resent it more. I know you may not connect with the controlling aspect of what I am describing...but in a time of crisis like this...it is very natural for folks to try to force some damage control. However you are right...he may very well sense that having a conversation may draw him back...which may be why he is avoiding you. So let's say HE DOES come back. What exactly has changed? I reeled my wife back in...only 3 months later she wanted out again. NOTHING CHANGED. I was still in damage control freak out mode...and she was still not sure of her choice...still wanting to do her own thing. I knew she loved me, but our issues didn't restore the longterm hope in things (plus she was still in the affair fog)...I just did a good job of reselling the marriage. It took me really getting away from the nonsense...and work on my issues...and then being very clear to set the boundary that I was not responsible for any of her garbage. When you beg and plead and cry, "I'll do better!" it just puts him in that place of "Yeah, she right! It IS her fault!!! I don't need that!" But if you say, "You know, I got issues...I won't lie...and I am going to work on them, but I don't deserve being treated in this manner, so I'm done trying to do the work for the both of us here, so I'll be here when you're ready to work it out and for us to get counseling. Otherwise, I release you to your choice and I will respect your boundary that you have been making obviously clear with your avoidant behavior. I only request you stay in contact with me concerning business-stuff that I ought to be in the know."
You may want to start looking up lawyers anyway...just to spell out a gameplan if he initiates an aggressive divorce proceeding.


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## 2ntnuf

marcer69 said:


> 2ntnuf~
> 
> thank you for the prayers...Lord knows I need them.
> 
> I believe the 180 can work in certain situations and I do believe we need time to heal and deal with those issues leading to our behavior. I do not believe the 180 works for a person like me. I've used 1890 during my entire relationship with my wife and now need to show a different side.
> 
> I wrote on my thread, how a buddy used *the Love Dare* to win his wife back. It worked for him and I'm hoping it may work for me although my wife and I are separated. My friend believes had he implemented the the 180 rule...he and his wife would not have made it. Appreciate the links as well


Can you provide a link? That would be one very interesting read.


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## MiseryIsHere

@marcer69..thank you for the links.

I have the Love Dare book. I do wonder if I should try it. However, I am not sure how possible that is when I cannot actually see or speak to him besides email. It sure is hard knowing I have spent my vacation alone and know this 4th of July weekend. His birthday is coming up as well. These days just won't end.

As far as the 180 thing goes...thats pretty tough too when again, he is nowhere near me. I am not hounding him with messages. I stopped the begging. I fear though that the longer this goes on, the less likely he is to come back. I cannot help but to treat him lovingly. I understand not begging and hounding him with messages. However, I would think that not racting would be a worse act to commit. I have lost my entire world, after all. I thought I would have heard something more from him by now.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

It depends on *why* he left...and you don't know because he didn't say!

I can only speak from the opposite perspective, I'm the one who walked out after 19years. I had tried to reason with my STBXH for years, and he would not listen, would not compromise, etc. When I told him I was divorcing him, I meant it. I had reached the point of no return. NOTHING he would have said/done at that point would have changed my mind. I had had enough and wanted to be happy and hopeful for my future.

Emailing, phoning, texting would have done nothing but annoyed me because I was done. 

I don't know what to tell you. If your husband has left you before, then I would say that keeping in contact with him might help your cause. If he has never walked out before, I would say that it would NOT help your cause. Trust me, despite what many people at TAM might believe, most (I can't speak for all) spouses do not just leave on a whim; it is a well-thought-out decision on their part...whether the left-behind spouse agrees with it or not.

Best wishes to you!


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## 2ntnuf

Have you thought about the questions I was asking? What would you be like if you were more like the person you were when he met you? The person who attracted his attention and won him over? Can you make a list for yourself? Can you see where you have changed positively? Can you list what you might do to improve yours confidence in yourself? That's where I think the 180 might be good. Maybe you can take what applies to you and do those things. You don't have to be mean. I don't think you are mean. The thing is, you can do whatever you want with yourself now. You can exercise, study, work or whatever and you don't have to think about what he would like. You can be you for a little while. You can find out who you are today. We all change. Some things are changes for the better, some for worse. I just think you will do well to work on you while just letting him live his life for a while. You need to be strong for you, either way this goes.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

^^^So agree with this!

I especially agree with "You need to be strong for you, either way this goes." You're not going to find better advice than this. You may not be able to influence his decision/the final outcome, BUT...ONLY YOU can determine how YOUR LIFE will be from here on out!

Choose the YOU that you want to be!


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## MiseryIsHere

@2ntnuf

Yes, I have thought about that. Most of my changes have been growing up and honestly, most have been good things. I found a job that I love and he was so happy about that. I wanted to further my education. I learned my way around the kitchen and became more repsonsible. I became a successful student. These are all things he was supportive of. The family issue is where I changed. I stopped wanting to deal with his family because it seemed easier and less hurtful to me. This was the cause of any arguments we had. I know do deeply want to reconcile with them. Honestly, I think we were all at fault for not working things out better. It was childish, selfish. I wrote them a letter to help him to see that I want to make things right. I told him as well in my letter to him. I think he just got sick of things and decided it wouldnt get better. But it can get better and it is so solvable. I feel like I just need him to see that and see that for the first time, I am committing to making that happen. But I need him to talk to me and agree. He said he didnt want things to be like this-with him gone-and I believe that.


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## GetTough

MiseryIsHere said:


> I am quite positive that there is not another woman. I have several reasons for that.
> 
> In the note he left me, he was very loving. I cannot say enough times that I believe that if we just talked, everything would be fine. The struggle is just getting him to talk. In some ways, I think he is not talking because he knows he would come back.


He is likely being very loving out of guilt. It is not a smart move for him to act loving if he wants to leave you.


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## GetTough

Your best chance is to get on with your life and let him come to you, while accepting he may not.


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## whitehawk

Yeah reading your next post about the family stuff more , that could well be it with it as bigger deal as that . Nuf's got big points there.
Do they like you ?
How was the physical attraction going with you and h , are you still looking good or have you let yourself go ? Does he ever say stuff ? Was he still interested?
Did you need a lot more talk, chit chat and contact than he did , did he ever say anything to try and get you to back off a bit or tone it down ? Or have trouble getting a few hrs to himself ?


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## MiseryIsHere

I am pretty sure it has to do with the family issue. No, I would say that they do not like me. They did at one time. In fact, we were very close. Long story short, we got into a fight and the grudges held on. It was stupid and immature. It is also so fixable. It's really about a grudge (for lack of a better word) that led to us not getting along or seeing each other. However, in general, it isnt that we cannot like one another. I know I just stopped trying because we live away from them. Honestly, if we just spent some time together, everything would be fine. I believe that with a bit of time, we could be close again. My battle, I feel, is first getting him to talk to me but also getting him to know that I WILL make sure this works and having him believe me. I never really agreed before to make things work with his parents and I now have promised him. I just do not know how to prove that. This is why I know that if we just talked and he gave me a chance, he would see how great things can be. We have so much love for one another, good times, and a strong friendship. The physical attraction thing should not be an issue. He actually commented just two days before he left how he likes that I take care of myself and he couldnt imagine me any other way physically.


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## whitehawk

MiseryIsHere said:


> I am pretty sure it has to do with the family issue. No, I would say that they do not like me. They did at one time. In fact, we were very close. Long story short, we got into a fight and the grudges held on. It was stupid and immature. It is also so fixable. It's really about a grudge (for lack of a better word) that led to us not getting along or seeing each other. However, in general, it isnt that we cannot like one another. I know I just stopped trying because we live away from them. Honestly, if we just spent some time together, everything would be fine. I believe that with a bit of time, we could be close again. My battle, I feel, is first getting him to talk to me but also getting him to know that I WILL make sure this works and having him believe me. I never really agreed before to make things work with his parents and I now have promised him. I just do not know how to prove that. This is why I know that if we just talked and he gave me a chance, he would see how great things can be. We have so much love for one another, good times, and a strong friendship. The physical attraction thing should not be an issue. He actually commented just two days before he left how he likes that I take care of myself and he couldnt imagine me any other way physically.


Ahh right well that's all good , part from the IL.
wonder if he gets some pressure about it. Pretty stupid though because you can always all just put up with each other , only has to be a few hrs here and there , that's what me and my IL did. Who cares we don't marry them . Maybe it is the IL stuff.
l really admire you and your courage for wanting to mend your marriage . lf more of us had that guts there'd be about 30% less destroying divorces wouldn't there.


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## 2ntnuf

MiseryIsHere said:


> I am pretty sure it has to do with the family issue. No, I would say that they do not like me. They did at one time. In fact, we were very close. Long story short, we got into a fight and the grudges held on.
> 
> I really believe counseling and reading about better communication and meeting needs, yours and others you care about would be a great start. There is a reason for all of this. You cannot change him or them. You can change you. You can change how you look at things, how you react.You cannot change his family. Truly, you may find out things about yourself that will lead you to be much happier. It's all up to you.
> 
> It was stupid and immature. It is also so fixable. It's really about a grudge (for lack of a better word) that led to us not getting along or seeing each other. However, in general, it isnt that we cannot like one another. I know I just stopped trying because we live away from them. Honestly, if we just spent some time together, everything would be fine. I believe that with a bit of time, we could be close again. My battle, I feel, is first getting him to talk to me but also getting him to know that I WILL make sure this works and having him believe me.
> 
> Then, work on how you perceive, speak and react. Communication and meeting needs.
> 
> I never really agreed before to make things work with his parents and I now have promised him. I just do not know how to prove that. This is why I know that if we just talked and he gave me a chance, he would see how great things can be. We have so much love for one another, good times, and a strong friendship. The physical attraction thing should not be an issue. He actually commented just two days before he left how he likes that I take care of myself and he couldnt imagine me any other way physically.


He is past giving you a chance at this point. He may change his mind. You have to show consistent change in yourself. You have to show him by your actions, not by words. The time for words is long gone. You've state here you have used words in the past and it has not gotten you anywhere. You have refused to compromise at times. You have taken a hard stand. Sometimes that is good. Apparently he found it to be inappropriate for too long. He made a change. What will you do? 

I am not saying he is correct or right. I am saying he reached his personal limit. Now it is your turn to take action. He is done with words and you will have no chance unless you move and do something tangible. You are going to waste precious time trying to talk him into something he will not be talked into. Take action for yourself, please! Work on you.


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## MiseryIsHere

@whitehawk..thank you. I just wish he would see that..and his parents.

@2ntnuf...I agree that counseling would be beneficial for us both. I have told him this via email. I am currrently talking to a counselor. When I really look at the issue in the first place, I know that it was blown out of proportion in part because of a lack of communication. I have learned a lot. However, this situation now has also been blown out of proportion. This marriage, in no way, needs to end over this. If we just got together and worked on this, I know that this would all be in the past in no time. I want to show him change through my actions, I am just not sure how when I do not see him or talk to him. I hoped that writing a letter to his parents would help. I also made a plan for us as far as a sort of visiting schedule that we could have each month with his family to show I want to solve this and be a whole family again.How do you show someone that you mean what you say when you cannot actually see them? I also drove a few hours to their house to try talking to them all. I am at a loss of how else to show my intent. I cannot make things right on my own.


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## 2ntnuf

MiseryIsHere said:


> @whitehawk..thank you. I just wish he would see that..and his parents.
> 
> @2ntnuf...I agree that counseling would be beneficial for us both. I have told him this via email. I am currrently talking to a counselor.
> 
> That's a great start. What does your counselor say about all of this?
> 
> When I really look at the issue in the first place, I know that it was blown out of proportion in part because of a lack of communication. I have learned a lot. However, this situation now has also been blown out of proportion. This marriage, in no way, needs to end over this. If we just got together and worked on this, I know that this would all be in the past in no time. I want to show him change through my actions, I am just not sure how when I do not see him or talk to him. I hoped that writing a letter to his parents would help. I also made a plan for us as far as a sort of visiting schedule that we could have each month with his family to show I want to solve this and be a whole family again.How do you show someone that you mean what you say when you cannot actually see them?
> 
> No idea there. That's impossible if the other person does not want to try. Have you asked your counselor? What did he/she say?
> 
> I also drove a few hours to their house to try talking to them all. I am at a loss of how else to show my intent. I cannot make things right on my own.


You may think I am against you finding a way to get back together. I am not. I just know it is not possible if the other person does not want to give it a chance. There has to be more to this story. It just sounds too simple for him to have left. I don't need the details. I really think your counselor could answer many of your questions. Have you asked? What were you told?


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## GetTough

2ntnuf said:


> You may think I am against you finding a way to get back together. I am not. I just know it is not possible if the other person does not want to give it a chance. There has to be more to this story. It just sounds too simple for him to have left. I don't need the details. I really think your counselor could answer many of your questions. Have you asked? What were you told?


I agree. I doubt very much the family issue is all there is to this. But you know, MIH, I think you are trying too hard to make things right. You have to detach with acceptance of what is, to stand your best chance. Things will only change in good time. The risk is that by interfering out of fear you prevent the natural course of things and you will thus make that fear come to pass. If it is to be, he must come to you.

I know you must be really hurting right now and I feel your pain. If you can, try to put your thoughts on what will help you e.g. health, connection with family/friends. I know it seems to you that you have to do something, anything, and you are probably thinking about all the possible actions you could take that might make a difference. But the best action in your situation is inaction with respect to your husband, truly.


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## MiseryIsHere

I am trying to give him time. It will be a full month tomorrow though. The pain is just increasing.


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## 2ntnuf

Have you taken a look at Plan A and Plan B at the marriage builder's web site? I saw a few posts somewhere here. I don't know if one of those plans will help you? 

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice


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## GetTough

MiseryIsHere said:


> I am trying to give him time. It will be a full month tomorrow though. The pain is just increasing.


Things will get better slowly. Things will get better faster the less you pursue. So if you're giving plenty of space, you are doing great. You will be okay.


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## MiseryIsHere

His birthday is soon...I do want to contact him for that. Thats ok isnt it?


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## GetTough

MiseryIsHere said:


> His birthday is soon...I do want to contact him for that. Thats ok isnt it?


The fact that you have to ask means that your instincts tell you it is not. And your instincts are right. He will read it as you pursuing him, and he will be right, because you are hoping to engage him in conversation. Better to just focus on yourself and wait for him to contact you. If he wants you again, he will be in touch. If he doesn't then contacting him for anything other than essential reasons will not help. It won't help you get over him and it won't help you to get him back.


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