# Opinion's wanted from a womans point of view



## tallirishman (Nov 20, 2017)

Hi Ladies,

thank you for taking the time to read this. I have been married for the last 15 years but been together with my wife for the last 21 years. We have three great kids (all boys) who are 8, 10 & 12.

We have had our ups and downs as all couples do but over the last 6 weeks or so I have been forced to sit back and really look at our relationship and the effect it is having on our kids.

We do fight a lot, and in these fights my wife screams a lot and can be physically violent towards me but not in a way that she can hurt me (I am a very tall, well built man and she a small petite little thing so even though she hits me it does not hurt).

I have always been the peace maker in our relationship, I apologise to end a fight (my wife has never apologised, ever) and I have always been the one to make the sacrifices (I gave up my high paid corporate job to work from home so she could stay working in her job even though I earned 4 times as much). I know run a small but successful business online which pays the bills, etc...

We now live in a world where I cook 21 meals a week, I clean the house, I bring the kids to school, I do the homework, I take the kids to all after school activities (soccer, rugby, swimming).

In addition my wife likes to drink on nights where she has no work the next day but for the last few years she has drank herself stupid 3 nights a week (about 60 – 70 units in 3 nights). She has become very abusive while drunk to both me and the children and consistently tells me when drunk that I am a failure and cannot give her what she wants out of life as I do not earn enough money and that she should have married her former boyfriend as he would have given her the things she wanted out of life.

I pay the mortgage, all household bills, I pay for the car insurance and running costs for both our cars and she spends all of her wages on makeup and clothes.

The final breaking point for me came a month ago when one of my children became very ill and we ended staying in hospital for 11 nights. I ended up staying with him 24 hours a day for the 12 days and 11 nights in hospital.

During this time I was shocked at how badly my wife treated me and my sick child (as well as the two healthy children). 

When I phoned her to tell her we would be staying in the hospital for the first night she was furious because she would not be able to drink that night as she only had wine in the house and she cannot open a bottle of wine with a corkscrew.

The next morning when I phoned her to tell her we need new PJ’s for my son as he had soiled himself (he was very sick the poor little guy) she went nuts because she had to come into the hospital. She finally arrived 9 hours later with clean clothes (we live 20 minutes away). She had decided to go shopping for herself and spent over €1,000 on herself but had decided that two pair of pyjamas for my son was too much money to waste. When I gave out to her she literally screamed at me for an hour for embarrassing her in public (despite the fact we were in a private room). During the time we were in hospital my wife spent just over 6 hours with her son and has not stopped complaining about how hard it was and what sacrifice’s she had to make because she had to keep going into the hospital.

Since he got out of hospital I myself managed to pick up the flu. It is the first time since I have been married that I have been sick. I could not get out of the bed for 3 days and my wife did not as much as make me a cup of tea or get me a glass of water. She did not feed the 3 kids and my 12 year old had to feed his brothers (he did quite well by all accounts) but my wife literally stuck her head in the door once a day to know was I still going to stay in bed or was I going to just lie there while she did everything.

Now given that on the days my wife is not working she does not get up until after 3pm when she goes for a walk/run/shopping I found this a bit ironic.

I have stayed in the relationship up to know for the sake of my kids but I know think that my kids might be better off if my wife and I were to separate.

My question is and I want truthful answers here, is it better for a child to be raised by both parents in a situation described above or by one parent? My wife will scream and demand that she gets the children and being Ireland she may well get the children, however she will not be able to work in her job and brings kids to school so I know they will end up with me at least 4 days a week.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and I welcome any advice.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I think your kids would be better off with as little contact w their mother as possible. Poor kids, having to grow up with this mess as their example of marriage and motherhood.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You need help... She is not of sound mind... Your children are depending on you protecting them from the effects of alcoholism. 

Do not walk this path alone, find a meeting and resources here ASAP... Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics

Stop the abuse... 

It's a holiday over here, replies will be slow. Here is some reading while you wait...

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Hold on to Your Nuts

Best


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## tallirishman (Nov 20, 2017)

Thank you, you have no idea how much that helped.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with the others, your children would be better off if you divorced. It's pretty clear that your wife would not want to have much, if at all. They would be better off spending as little time as possible with her. Your children are learning about relationship through your and your wife's example. Your sons will most likely be like you... letting a abusive woman bully them. Your daughter(s) will be like your wife... the abuser in a relationship. You need to put an end to this very dysfunctional modeling you and your wife are doing. And you need to find a way to teach your children that what they have been seeing is not what marriage/family is supposed to be like. You have to teach them the right way to live.

For example, when I divorced my son's father, I had a talk with my son and told him that I have leaving his father because his father was abusive. I told him that violence, yelling, screaming is not ok in a marriage/family. After the divorce I created a home life for my son where none of that existed. He's 28 now and very sensitive to this. The first time he sees a woman he's dating misbehave like that, he dumps her. This is the lesson you need to teach your children.

And you need to teach them that it's no ok for a woman to emotionally, verbally and/or physically abuse a man. Just as the reverse is never ok. You have made a huge mistake in accepting her physical abuse because she is smaller than you. I'm going to tell two stories of people I know.

1) This happened in about 1995. I used to know a woman who was physically violent toward her husband. He was a big, strong man so it was not hurt by her hitting him. So he did not consider it a problem. One day, they were having a physical altercation and she picked up a telephone, one of those old, heavy land-line phones and hit him in the head with it. He died. She's still in prison for his murder. The murder was accidental, she was not trying to kill him... just abuse him into compliance like your wife does.

2) This one was in the early 2000's. Again a situation of a small woman and her 6'4", physically fit husband. She is much like your wife. One day she was drunk and came at him physically. It was apparently a really bad attack. He tried to stop it by restraining her and in doing so she ended up with bruises on her arms. She called the police and pressed charges against him. She told his mother and others that she was drunk and attacked him and he was only trying to restrain her.. so this is not his story, it's the one she told. He ended up in jail (or prison?) for a few years for supposedly assaulting her. In the end the court realized that she was a problem. But he had his conviction for the "assault" on her. So BOTH of them lost custody of their child. He has not seen his child in the last 10 years. He has no idea where his child his. All because he, like you, did not think it was a bid deal for a small woman to beat up on big, strong him... after all it did not hurt him.. .until it did.

So I have to ask, has your wife ever put any bruises on you? Have you on her? What do you do while she is beating on you? Do you just stand there and take it? Or do you ever try to restrain her or stop her attacks? I'm hoping you answer these questions because I'd like to have a conversation with you about how to protect you and your children.

Does your wife ever drive while drunk?

You need to see a lawyer and find out how to proceed so that you get primary custody.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

tallirishman said:


> Thank you, you have no idea how much that helped.


Dude, reread everything you wrote but flip the sexes around. Or better yet, imagine one of your son's treating his wife the way your wife treats you. Do you think that would be acceptable? Forget the swap in genders, imagine your son in a relationship with a woman like your wife. Imagine him being physically and emotionally abused. What would you say to him?

The truth is men rationalize or justify these abusive women because they say "well they don't hurt me" and other poorly thought out excuses. Same as when women do the whole "but I know he loves me" BS self talks when she is sporting a black eye. 

Your wife is an all around abusive person and doesn't deserve a loving family at all. You are doing a disservice to your sons by staying with this alcoholic and violent person. Do you want them to end up in a relationship with someone who is verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive? Because you are setting the example that this is what a relationship should look like. Either that, or they become the abusers themselves. After all, your relationship and sham of a marriage is teaching your poor kids that abuse and alcohol addiction is perfectly acceptable behaviour in a marriage. 

Get yourself some counseling to figure out your obvious low self esteem issues. Then get yourself a lawyer, and a good one. She doesn't deserve half of the assets, nor custody. Regardless, the laws of the land heavily favor women. Even trash like your wife. And women say everything is harder for them...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Am i the only one wondering about BPD? Or, some other spectrum disorder?

The books etc suggested aren't of much use there.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

john117 said:


> Am i the only one wondering about BPD? Or, some other spectrum disorder?
> 
> The books etc suggested aren't of much use there.


Borderline Personality Disorder, her gasoline mind tempered with Alcoholism.

She is at the corner of Insanity and Wine. With no means, no skills to uncork the bottle.
To needfully unscrew her mind from crushing forces that plague her, time after time.
Her petite pedaling shoe, at full throttle.

Classic substance abuse tied to her hot lava filled mind.

I recommend releasing her to the devils that write her script.

Divorce and quick.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Tell that selfish cow to GTFO out of your home. Divorce her and use her alcholism against her in the settlement so that you get full custody of the children.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You need to open your eyes and get out of your denial yesterday. 

You may be a big dude and she may be a small woman but you are absolutely a battered spouse and have a battered spouse syndrome just as bad as any of the abused wives on Oprah. 

Kids do better with one sane, loving, supportive and involved parent in a safe and drama-free home than they do with two parents in a chaotic and hostile environment where one of the parents is an abusive alcoholic. 

You are a battered spouse and have been beaten down and had your reality distorted until you cannot see the forest for the trees. 

Get yourself and the kids away from this train wreck and out of this toxic environment and then get your balls and your corporate job back so you can support your kids on your own without her.

(don't get your job back until after the divorce is final though or you may have to pay her spousal support)


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

So sorry to this this story!

You know what needs done.

And now is the time to do it!


Good luck!


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Your wife sounds like a spoiled, selfish drunk and you've been her enabler.

I know from personal experience how outraged a drunk can get when they are expected to grow up and carry some responsibility.

What do you need your wife for anyway if you're the one doing everything? 

I'm thinking she's gonna hurt a lot more without you than you will without her.


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

tallirishman said:


> My question is and I want truthful answers here, is it better for a child to be raised by both parents in a situation described above or by one parent?




Very simple — the kids will only be safe (emotionally/verbally/mental health wise as well as physically) when their mother is no longer living with them.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

@tallirishman, your wife has a serious drinking problem. I lost a fiance to addiction and I will never forget that entire difficult experience. I only had to worry about getting myself out of the situation and even then, it was very hard. Add in kids and a long history, and I know it must be extremely challenging for you right now. I am so sorry that you've found yourself here.

I agree with the advice given above about checking out Al-Alon. I also see this site recommended often for friends/family of active addicts (and yes, your wife is either in addict territory or well on her way): https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/

You're asking a great question on whether your kids are better off with both parents when one is an active alcoholic. Adults get twisted emotionally when exposed for too long to active addicts- in fact, the entire Co-dependency movement started when dr's began to notice that the spouse of an alcoholic tends to show emotional instabilty and mental illness right alongside the actual alcoholic. Children fare even worse, most of the time. They tend to suffer scholastically and socially (they certainly don't want to bring friends home for fear of what the alcoholic/addict might do!). 

Furthermore, what constitutes love, and what feels good and comfortable, familiar and like home- in other words, what adults look for and are attracted to in long term mates- are imprinted in childhood. Kids grow up into adults who may not be comfortable with non-addicted, stable partners. 

Of course there are kids who survive and thrive and go on to find great partners and stable relationships! But for many, maybe most, it can be a challenge.

From your OP, it sounds like things have gone downhill as her drinking has increased. Abusive behavior, lack of impulse control, selfishness- these are all hallmarks of active addiction. I agree with the posters that you are not quite cognizant of how dangerous her abusive behaviors are currently. From my own experience with my H, I know that things with a child can go sideways very fast and right under your nose when you don't expect it. It all can escalate in a few seconds. My H damn near killed our young son just joking around when he was drunk- and he wasn't that drunk, not drunk enough for me to be on alert. No slurring or anything that would have had my ears up. My H would never in a hundred million years do anything consciously to hurt our son. Even drunk, H was immediately regretful and tried to explain to our son why what he was having him do was actually a bad idea and son should never ever do it again. So stupid. We are so lucky that something truly tragic was avoided. You truly have no idea what a really drunk person will do. 

Personally, I don't see any sense in trying to convince someone that they are an addict. I left one man who was an addict (my ex fiance) and both my husband and I have quit drinking. H and I aren't addicts in the truest sense (for example, we didn't have withdrawal issues, or really any struggles, when we quit or any legal/occupational/health problems,) but we both were developing problem behaviors. We didn't always have them, but they started to show up as our drinking increased over time. I quit early on and most happily. My husband did not want to stop drinking. He did not, and I think today still does not, believe that he had a drinking problem; but he did acknowledge that he did problematic things sometimes when drinking, that the problematic things were bad, and that he didn't always know when he'd have too much to drink and go on to do something dangerous. Believe it or not, the event I described above was not the last event- it was actually the first event. But even so, there was only ever one additional event. The first caught me by surprise; on the second, I drew the line. He knew I was deadly serious about leaving if he didn't stop drinking because of my past with my ex, and he agreed, grudgingly, to stop for good.

That was almost two years ago now. My H was a jerk for several months afterwards because he was angry and resentful. But about 4 months in, he accepted it and it's been smooth sailing since. The thing is, when you drink as often as my H and I did- not quite daily but close- and as much as we did, life begins to feel much, much better off the booze. I quit a year before my H, so when he stopped he had an instant support system. We are both so much happier and healthier! Our relationship is currently the best it's been in our 10 years together. But it could all change again if he starts drinking again (I don't intend to ever start drinking again.) 

I am writing all this out to show why I think your best move is to contact Alanon or other support boards where you can learn more about active addicts. For all intents and purposes, I think you should consider her an active addict/alcoholic. It sounds like the hospital was major shock one and your subsequent illness was shock two. I am almost always in favor of trying to save marriages except for when abuse and/or addiction are in play. There is nothing to be gained, and so much to lose, with those two factors involved. Add in kids and it should truly be just about zero tolerance, IMO. 

If you are to the point where you are ready to leave if she won't stop drinking, then set that boundary. You don't have to tell her that you think she is an alcoholic or has a drinking problem. You can tell her that her drinking is a problem for you and you will not allow her to go on behaving like this with the kids. You will not live like this and her choice is to quit for good or lose her family. That is the reality, yes? IME the only hope of getting anywhere with an addict is to focus on their behaviors and the results of them- and even then, it's iffy. But it works much better than squabbling about semantics like "alcoholic". 

BTW you are totally right to have that discussion. None of you deserve to have to deal with an angry, abusive, pathetic drunken woman. You're a grown up and you know that her venom and abusive is due to the booze, plus so far you've not been seriously harmed; your kids don't have the same advantages. Even if they act tough, they will take what they hear to heart. It will shape how they view themselves, what they truly believe about themselves, whether they believe they are lovable, what loving behavior really is, and so on. BTW this means that your influence can be their saving grace. You must be sane and strong and loving for them.

Only an active addict/alcoholic could ignore her own child sick in a hospital. I don't know anything about Irish law but I do know that women in this state don't care much about parenting if it interferes with their drinking. You are very likely to end up with most of the care of your kids, by decree or just in real life, outside of what has been decreed. In your shoes, I would start to do some research, get contingency plans in place. When I was going this with my H, I had three places picked out to stay, I had child care worked out, I had access to funds. He didn't know all of this, but he knew some of it and he also knew that I was never going to go through another false recovery again after my ex-fiance. My H was going to be all in or we were going to be done. If you are looking at separating, make sure you have solid plans in place, make sure your and your kids' important papers/documents are safe somewhere outside of your house, and be ready to go. Be serious, or she will never take you seriously.

One last thing. If you do separate, it could be a great gift to your W. People in active addiction live in a fog. They have a distorted view of reality. My ex-fiance didn't truly acknowledge that he was in trouble until I moved out. My ex had had surgery and gotten hooked on pills. Until I left and he needed to find a new home, no matter what was happening, he had a fiancee who loved him, he lived in a great apartment in a great part of town, he had food and heat and cable TV. To the outside world things looked normal, and thus he was able to believe that his life and what was going was within the realm of normality. Leaving him was hard emotionally but easy physically. It also woke him up and made him face the fact that things were off. It didn't save him in the end, but he did start to truly try to recover. He went into rehab and started a long fight. 

In an ideal world, your wife would wake up and quit drinking and get into recovery. Sometimes, mental health stabilizes once the person stops dosing their brain with frequent and copious amount of toxins (eg. intoxicated often). Our brains and bodies are remarkable healing machines. But for your purposes, I think you and your children are best served by looking to get some space if she continues to drink. I wish you all the best of luck!


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## tallirishman (Nov 20, 2017)

Thank you all for your feedback. @EleGirl Regarding your questions about what I do when she is violent, it depends. I never hit her back or restrain her. Normally I can just move to avoid the blows as she is drunk and I am not (also I used to box and know how to avoid a punch). Sometimes I let her land a blow or two on my arm or cheast, but there has never really been any bruising or anything like that. 

Despite what some people are saying here about my low self esteem, etc.. I can understand the reasons people are saying this but I have not tolerated this for any other reason other than the law in Ireland is very one sided, the woman nearly always gets the kids. I know of one case where the mother was addicted to heroin, had convictions for selling the stuff and had served time for it and she still got the kids over the father who was only allowed to see them once every two weeks and he was a clergyman and the judge still went in favour of the mother.

Irish law is very much in favour of the mother and all financial support is aimed at the mother so she can raise the kids.

I have already spoken to the top family law solicitors in the country and she told me that the judge will not care about the drinking and that more than likely my wife will get the kids (she will only want them so I will have to pay support) and that if I am lucky I will get to see them once a week for a few hours. My wife would view keeping the kids as a victory because she knows I love them and it would kill me not to see them every day.

This is why I did not leave years ago as I could not risk leaving my kids on their own with her.

I have looked into al anon and found a local meeting and I be attending their next meeting. 

I have decided however not to cover up her drinking anymore from her family and friends. I am going to let them know exactly what is going on in our home. I an also going to start proceedings to seperate and serve her with papers. She will have a simple choice, stop drinking, or I will leave.

Thank's to everyone for taking the time and all the sound advice but especially to @RoseAglow, it must have taken ages to write that response but thank you , thank you, thank you.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

@tallirishman, you're welcome. I can definitely go on and on and on about addiction, unfortunately! It is my hope that your wife responds to your plan and stops drinking! But if not, here is another long post for your consideration.

It sounds like you have a good plan in place. Does Irish law allow kids a part in deciding which parent they'd like to live with, once the kids have reached a certain age? Your kids are still young. If you do need to separate, is it possible to live somewhere nearby, within walking or biking distance, so your kids can go to you?

It's great to hear that there is an Al-Anon meeting near you and you're looking to attend. If there are a few groups, I recommend trying 4 or 5 different meetings because they will each have their own flavor, so to speak. There will probably be some bitter and twisted people there, but there will likely also be people who have found a way to acceptance and peace- those are the people you want to speak with and pay attention to. Living with active addiction means living with heartache and sadness, but it's like the saying "Pain in life is inevitable, but suffering is optional." In the US, there are An-Anon groups for kids and teens as well. It helps adults and kids alike to separate out the pain from the suffering, the sadness of mom's sickness and all that goes along with it, along with the ability to detach and protect each other from it's effects, and also go on to live without constantly being sucked back into the drama. 

I really like your plan to not cover up your W's drinking anymore. Allow her to face the natural consequences of her drinking. Do your kids understand that your W has a drinking problem? If not, that conversation should happen soon. Your W is going to be furious that you're talking to them about it but it absolutely has to happen. It will be very important to teach your boys about addiction- especially key points such as

1. Addiction is a disease. It's a brain illness, akin to something like schizophrenia. As long as the person is untreated, they are prone to wrong thinking, and can be unpredictable. Part of the illness is a resistance to diagnosis and also to treatment. She will very likely deny, deny, deny- but your kids are old enough to see with their own eyes that things go sideways once she starts drinking. 

You wouldn't take the rantings of a paranoid schizophrenia personally, and in the same way, you shouldn't take the rantings of an addict/alcoholic personally. The anger, the blaming- it is all part of the disease. Just about every active alcoholic does it. It's a hallmark behavior. The alcoholic truly believes it at the time but it doesn't make it real or grounded in reality. 

If they can understand this- and your kids are old enough that they probably can- it will help them enormously to separate out the Mom who they love from the disease-related behaviors. 

2. No matter what the alcoholic tries to say or how much they want to blame, realize that no one in your family caused them to drink or have these problems; no one can control it (the alcoholic can't control it either- their only option is to stop drinking entirely and they might have that option, if they get into recovery); no one can cure it. 

It is really important that your kids understand as best they can that, just like it wouldn't be their fault if their mom had a disease like cancer, it is not their fault that their mom drinks. Kids (and many adults) take to heart statements like "Anyone would drink if they had to deal with the likes of you!" and other common "poor me, poor me, pour me another drink" type blathering. They need to know that their mom wouldn't stop drinking if they behaved better, if they were better sons, and so on. Kids (and many adults) actually believe that kind of junk and it is incredibly damaging. (Also, as the non-addicted adult in the family, you can contribute to the problem by enabling. It sounds like you're getting a handle on that. )

3. Lastly, it is OK, appropriate, healthy, and necessary to draw boundaries. Adults can do this. Kids cannot always do it. This is what keeps parents from separating/divorcing- the need to protect their kids. Kids can't get in a car and go to a friend's house when the drunk starts going off, for instance. 

Still, I think you will need to have ongoing discussions about what boundaries you and your boys draw with your W. Things like- when Mom goes into one of her rages/upsets/whatever, boys are to stay in their room and let Dad handle it. Mom is to be avoided when drunk. Mom will not come out with us to family events like movies, dinners, etc when she has been drinking. 

It can feel very mean, especially for kids, to draw boundaries (to the extent that they can.) Kids in particular are always hopeful that the addicted parent will love them, will act better, will be OK, and it feels horrible to them to leave a sad parent behind. A child will say "I don't want to go to the movie- I'll stay with Mommy so she isn't lonely." 

It is so important for kids to get the education about addiction so they can see that "Mommy being lonely left at home" is her decision, she made it when she chose to drink. Your kids are old enough that they should grok the idea of "stinky choices" and consequences. "Hopefully Mommy will make a different choice next time, but tonight is Movie Night. You're a kid and you get to do Movie Night with your dad and brothers." This is an example of feeling pain that they are not able to share happy childhood events with mom, while alleviating any suffering from not actually getting to do a childhood event due to Mom's drinking, or doing so but wracked with guilt, etc. 

It may sound like this sets up an adversarial relationship between the alcoholic/addict and the rest of the family. It doesn't really. Kids who grow up with an alcoholic parent lose their innocence early on. It is much, much better to give them an accurate framework of what is truly happening. It is much healthier for them to be able to separate out Mom's action as part of her disease and to know that Mom is the unhealthy or odd one out, NOT THEM. Once they understand that Mom is in the grasp of a disease and they have a plan of action to protect themselves, it allows space for compassion to grow. 

The three points above are the foundations of Al-Anon. You learn to "detach with love". You learn that each of their terrible behaviors are the same behaviors that just about every other addict/alcoholic does. You learn that it is all independent of you, which is often a huge surprise to the parents, spouses, partners, and kids of addicts/alcoholics. And most importantly, you learn how to live a fruitful life, despite what is going on with your loved one. 

So here is another long post to you....I hope some of it was helpful. There is a saying in Al-Anon, "Take what you need and leave the rest." I am passionate about this topic. My experience with my ex was the hardest time of my life to date. It upturned my world and changed nearly every aspect of my life. In the end, a lot of what I learned has changed my life drastically for the better. I have found a lot of success in life and avoided suffering because of what I learned back then. 

If your wife continues to drink, you will be continuing this hard and turbulent time in your life. As a parent, the stakes are high. Your posts suggest that you're strong emotionally and decisive. You're proactively looking for answers and have already gotten legal advice. You are certainly your children's best bet . I think you will find the tools you need and you will succeed in navigating this terrible time. I truly wish you and your family the best!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@tallirishman

Thanks for the further explanation of your situation. I get it. My son's father turned into a mean, abusive man. The first time I tried to divorce him, the judge gave him 100% custody of our son because he's a physician. Yep. So I stopped the divorce and moved back in with my husband. There is no way I would leave my son to fend off a physically abusive father. It took me another 5 years before I was able to build a case strong enough against my ex to get primary custody of our son. I also had to wait for that judge to leave the bench. So I get what you are saying.

At what age can a child in Ireland make the choice of which parent to live with? Here where I live, when a child reaches about 14/15 the court will tell a child who they have to live with. But if the child refuses to and lives with the other parent, the court will not force the issue. This is because a 14/15 year old usually does not care what the court says. They will often run away if the court tries to force the issue.

It does sound like you need to stay in your marriage to be there for your children. So you need to do things that make this something that does not destroy you and your children. Going to Al-Anon is a good idea. 

There is also a book that would help you - *Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency* by Melody Beattie

Codependency is a natural reaction to a situation in which one spouse has an addiction as your wife does. The emotionally healthier spouse make adaptations to deal with the situation and often those adaptations are emotionally unhealthy. Basically codependency occurs when a person puts their addicted/abusive spouse's distorted needs a head of their own well being. For example, you helping your wife hide her alcoholism and bad behavior from her family; you putting up with her physical abuse. These things harm you and your children.

You might want to consider finding a counselor who helps people in abusive situations and people who live with an addict. I wonder if you could work on an intervention - by that I mean having a professional set things up so that your wife's family and you could have an intervention and get her into detox and rehab. Of course this could only happen after her family has become fully aware of her alcoholism and abusive behavior.

What are the laws in Ireland about video and/or voice recording another person? One way to show a person how out of control they are is to get video and audio recordings of them behaving badly. Then once you have a good selection of those recordings, to play it for them and let them see themselves behaving badly. You could also us the recordings to show her family what she's like at home behind closed doors.

Another topic - what is available where you live for your children? They are being raised in the home with an abusive alcoholic. This harms them. I wonder if you could get them some help as well.

Do your children acknowledge that their mother is out of control? What do they say about her alcoholism and violent/abusive behavior? Does she ever behave like that towards them?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@RoseAglow on point! 

Best wishes for your family, @tallirishman.


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