# What to do



## onlylove (Aug 27, 2010)

Hello, 
This is my first time posting and need some advice. 
Some background information I have been with my husband for 18 years married for almost 13. We have 2 beautiful children aged 17 & 12. I suppose it all started (for me anyhow) last October when my husband was made redundant from his job. I work full time for a training organisation so I assisted him in getting a course to improve his chances of getting back to work. The course started in November and went on until March. January of this year I noticed something was desperately wrong. I confronted him and he told me that he didn’t know if he still loved me or not. He said he felt we had gotten into a rut over the last while but didn't want to say anything. We stayed up talking until after 2 in the morning and I went to bed. When he didn’t follow me up after 20 mins I went back down to him. It was then he threw his phone on the chair next to him. I asked who he was talking to and he said no one. I left this be but 2 days later I checked his phone to discover he had texted a girl he’d met on the course. 

A few days later I confronted him about this and he denied anything was going on. I checked his phone on and off over the next few weeks. I got more and more upset as the texts got more graphic and they expressed their feelings for one another. Trying to get to the point here, bear with me. 

The fights continued daily until May when I could take no more. I asked him to leave the first weekend in May which he did. Initially he stayed in a hotel but then moved in with her apparently on the couch. After 2 weeks he got an apartment on his own. This was at my request as I told him there was no way I was allowing my youngest child to stay with anyone else.

He’s been on his own in the apartment up to now, taking my youngest at weekends and collecting her during the week. He’s admitted to me now that he has been sleeping with this other woman, which was I aware of but not prepared to hear from him. 

At this stage he has to leave the apartment and is talking about moving back in, which I’m not totally against but it seems it’s just for convenience.

We’ve spoken on a few occasions and been out together and sometimes I do think we can make a go of it but my problem now is that I think if I leave him move back in I’m going to have to go through all this again some time in the future.

I have suggested marriage counselling which he is totally against. He keeps telling me that if he does move back that that will be the end of the affair. 

I’m so torn between what I want, which is my husband back as he is my only love, and what is right for me.

I suppose I’d like to know how many people actually manage to salvage a marriage after an affair?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

If you are going to *allow* him to move back in you need to let him know you are calling the shots not him. If you require counseling he needs to agree and it needs to start before you *allow* him to come back. He betrayed you, he slept with another woman, we walked out on you..... He is the one that needs to earn your trust again. Set your boundaries and be firm in them.

As far as marriages surviving an affair there are several here that have managed to do it with both physical and emotional affairs. (Mine included)


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:

If you give in for the sake of convenience (for him) and getting him back (for you) all of your problems will still be there. Ending the affair cannot be a carrott he dangles to get back into the home...he needs to completely end it and want to do what it takes (counselling if that's what you need to move past this) before you should even consider having him move back.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He will also need to:
Give you all the passwords to his phone and computer; if he won't he doesn't come home.
Hand them over for you to see anytime you ask; if he refuses, you file for divorce.
Write OW a No Contact letter that he hands to YOU for YOU to mail her (so you can see it's not a love letter); if he won't, he doesn't come home.
Agree to at least 6 months of marriage counseling; the first one he misses, you file for divorce.
Agrees to spend 15 hours a week with you without the kids so you can rekindle your love life; if he balks, you file for divorce.
Anything else you feel you need.

If he refuses, you file for divorce and start collecting child support.


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## onlylove (Aug 27, 2010)

Hi all, thanks for all the replies.

I suppose just to keep people up to date. I didn't allow him move back in for starters. I told him there would need to be more concrete evidence that the affair was over before I could even consider him living with me again. 
What's happened now is that he's moved in with his parents. 
He collects our youngest from school each day and goes home (to my house) with her so she can spend time with her friends. I work full time and at the moment he's unemployed. 
He told me that he's finally taking time to figure out what it is he wants, still saying that he doesn't know if he loves me or wants to be with me.
I'm at the end of my tether now and don't know how much more of this I can take. I want him back with all my heart but I know this will happen again if he's not completely committed.
I'm just so sick and tired of wondering where life is going. He still not interested in counselling but admits that he has problems that need sorting out. 

Another thing is our wedding anniversary is coming up soon and it's upsetting to think we won't be together for it.

Thanks to everyone who replied or read this, it's reassuring to know I'm not the only one going through this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Most plans in such cases tell you to set a timeline. For women, it's often 3 months or less. If the marriage doesn't get fixed in that period, you need to file for legal separation. For your own mental health. As you are learning, you can't keep in this limbo without it harming you. And you can bet it's harming your kids, too, with you out of it like this.


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