# ? For Men - What makes you feel respected?



## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

There is of course a "story" behind this question but I don't think it's necessary to get into it all right now. So to get to the point, I am trying to adopt a more submissive frame with my husband of 12 years. He is a great guy and generally easygoing, so it isn't as if he has a whole lot of demands for me to attend to. But I don't think he should be "punished" for being laid back, so, guys, what can/does your wife do that makes you feel like THE MAN; that makes you feel important and respected? I am trying to do what I can think of, but since I'm not a guy, I may be missing something . Thanks in advance .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

I think the story might be necessary... my opinion...

I might just be having a hard time getting a grasp of your question. I treat other people with respect and expect to be treated in the same way. I was going to say that I demand respect, but that is not true. What I mean is that I can't "demand" respect. I can't make someone give it to me when they don't want to.

But I can limit my relationship with them, if they do not give me respect. Not so much a "demand" but definitely I am giving consequences for certain behavior.

Maybe my point is that your husband needs to be more along these lines. Maybe he needs to have more expectations of you. You seem like someone who would respond to a little leadership in this area. 

It is hard to give respect when someone is not leading.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

We did a study on the book Love & Respect by Emerson Eggrich (sp?). It talked about these things.

Some things that stick out:
Talk about positive things you like about your husband in front of others. Do not state the negative things in front of others.

When you seek his opinion, follow it. This is a big one for my wife. She used to often ask my opinion on something, but what she really wanted was for me to agree with what she was going to do. If I didn't, then she would tell me reasons why I should agree with her. She has learned that it is perfectly fine to tell me what she has planned, instead of asking for my opinion, but only if I agree.

Let him make decisions. I see too many households where the male is treated as a bumbling idiot. This is often portrayed in television the same way. Just simple things. Let him choose where you go to dinner some times....things like that....

Don't criticize every move. If you are driving somewhere and he is going a different route than you would, don't criticize.

There are more from the book and DVD study...these are just a few that I recall....these were the most common things in our discussion group from the men.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

:scratchhead:

Simply just don't piss me off heh


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## Want2babettrme (May 17, 2013)

minimouse said:


> There is of course a "story" behind this question but I don't think it's necessary to get into it all right now. So to get to the point, I am trying to adopt a more submissive frame with my husband of 12 years. He is a great guy and generally easygoing, so it isn't as if he has a whole lot of demands for me to attend to. But I don't think he should be "punished" for being laid back, so, guys, what can/does your wife do that makes you feel like THE MAN; that makes you feel important and respected? I am trying to do what I can think of, but since I'm not a guy, I may be missing something . Thanks in advance .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



OK, I'll play. So, speaking as a man to my wife to make me feel more respected, how about:

Not calling me @$$, Jerk, [email protected]$stard, The King (sarcastically).

Don't criticize or make fun of me or my birth family in front of
our children or other people.

Acknowledge that I have contributed to our family by providing the sole income for 19 of the last 20 years.

Acknowledging that I am and have been working on my sex addiction by going to 12 step meetings, IC, seeing a psychiatrist, taking my prescribed meds, going to MC.

Actually care about my emotional needs and ask what you can do to meet them, then do it.

Stop using my addiction to beat me down and lift yourself up.

Admit and work on her problems instead of hyperfocusing on everything I do. 

Recognize I'm working on being a better man.

Let me know you desire me and love me as I am, flawed though I may be. 

Be nice to me instead of mean to me.


Obviously lack of respect is a big problem among many in my marriage, which is why we are at the likely end of this marriage.



I went back and read this again. Jeepers! I must be an epic buzzkill. 

And as I am writing this my wife is printing an article about "Interpersonal Relationship Trauma." _sigh_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

minimouse said:


> There is of course a "story" behind this question but I don't think it's necessary to get into it all right now. So to get to the point, I am trying to adopt a more submissive frame with my husband of 12 years. *He is a great guy and generally easygoing, so it isn't as if he has a whole lot of demands for me to attend to.* But I don't think he should be "punished" for being laid back, so, guys, what can/does your wife do that makes you feel like THE MAN; that makes you feel important and respected? I am trying to do what I can think of, but since I'm not a guy, I may be missing something . Thanks in advance .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am married to the type of man you describe here...he is very laid back, easy to get along with...what he would find Respectful from me... is :

*1.* Attending to his needs without being asked...

*2.* Showing appreciation/ validation ... for all he does for you, for his family...what he brings to your life...

*3.* If he has any thoughts, be careful to Listen.. take an active role in helping him accomplish or being a part of *his plan*. Not speaking over him or going ahead of him. 



> RESPECT *Definition here* .....
> 
> *1. *Esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: _I have great respect for her judgment._
> 
> ...





This is a Book that has over 780







reviews ...











> Love And Respect By Eggerichs - Book Review
> 
> *"Love And Respect"* by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is a phenomenal marriage tool that should be in the hands of every husband and wife. This book has drastically changed my approach to marriage, especially helping my husband and I understand each other and our responses a bit better. This book highlights some of the greatest communication mysteries that have perplexed husbands and wives for centuries! Eggerichs and his wife discovered a truth regarding marriages found in Ephesians 5:33,
> 
> ...


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> Simply just don't piss me off heh


I've got this one down at least 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

bbdad said:


> We did a study on the book Love & Respect by Emerson Eggrich (sp?). It talked about these things.
> 
> Some things that stick out:
> Talk about positive things you like about your husband in front of others. Do not state the negative things in front of others.
> ...


I don't ever speak negatively about him to anyone.

I also used to ask for his opinion when really I just wanted his agreement. I am consciously trying to follow his opinion when I ask for it now. Tough one when the other habit is so automatic!

I have never treated him like an idiot and I abhor the way men are depicted on TV so often. I am guilty of wanting him to choose dinner and then making it obvious I am not being crazy about his choice which is silly. That is another habit I'm trying to break. I'd rather go somewhere that isn't my first choice than spend 15 minutes going "I don't care, where do you want to go" back and forth lol.

Thank you for your input!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

sparkyjim said:


> I think the story might be necessary... my opinion...
> 
> I might just be having a hard time getting a grasp of your question. I treat other people with respect and expect to be treated in the same way. I was going to say that I demand respect, but that is not true. What I mean is that I can't "demand" respect. I can't make someone give it to me when they don't want to.
> 
> ...


I will try to share the story in a bit but some of it is so specific that I have to figure out how to tell it in a more generalized way.

I have never treated my husband poorly. I have always treated him with the general type of respect I would give any other human being. However, being that he isn't just any other human being, and given my personal views on marriage roles, I have always felt I owed him more deference, and the "s" word (submission) but since he's so laid back, it was easy NOT to step it up on my end. He isn't a pushover by any means, but yes, in a way, I probably have always wanted more leadership from him. Yet as I have become more conscious of things, I realize I have undermined the very thing I want from him by not always following his opinion when I asked for it, not taking care of requests he may have mentioned in passing so I didn't prioritize them, etc. 

Because he is currently struggling with a (absolutely no fault of his own) life circumstance that has wreaked havoc on his confidence, I am very much trying to build him up. So now is not the time to pressure him by telling him I need him to amp up the leadership, but it is a good time for me to show him the extra respect he most certainly deserves (he is a great man, husband, dad). I have started paying full attention when he talks to me instead of just continuing with what I'm doing and uh-huhing, asking his opinion on more things, etc. And I have already noticed he is responding to it by actually offering his opinions and preferences more.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Foremost, outward signs of loving affection and refraining from belittling!

In a nutshell, just employ the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!"*


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am married to the type of man you describe here...he is very laid back, easy to get along with...what he would find Respectful from me... is :
> 
> *1.* Attending to his needs without being asked...
> 
> ...


Thank you very good ideas.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

What makes me feel respected is (in no particular order).. communication, getting help when needed, telling and showing affection, not stepping out on the relationship, having boundaries, a woman who respects her self. 

I remember for my dad respect for him was, a wife who had a job, kept her mouth shut, and laid down with him whenever he wanted. Other than that he didn't give two sh*ts!


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

Jamison said:


> What makes me feel respected is (in no particular order).. communication, getting help when needed, telling and showing affection, not stepping out on the relationship, having boundaries, a woman who respects her self.
> 
> I remember for my dad respect for him was, a wife who had a job, kept her mouth shut, and laid down with him whenever he wanted. Other than that he didn't give two sh*ts!


Funny about your dad  I probably wouldn't have made it since I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut LOL


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Not sure how applicable this is in your situation, but:

I have always considered it respectful to me when my W (and kids, for that matter) do not hesitate to give me bad news or tell me something that might upset me. To look at it from the opposite side: I consider it disrespectful to be treated as "Don't tell him, he can't handle it." Being kept in the dark is being disrespected, IMO.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I'll let you know if I ever get some.

/Rodney Dangerfield off


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> I'll let you know if I ever get some.
> 
> /Rodney Dangerfield off


:rofl:


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I’m a laid back sort. It’s really fairly simple. Stop trying to pick apart or double check or ‘correcting’ me. Take me on face value that I mean what I say and do instead of it just being some fluke behavior because I got it right. 

She sort of treats me like a child. I find it incredibly condescending and undermining of mutual respect. I kinda think she’s either stupid or compulsive due to this behavior. 

So, she asks for my help with something or a question. Sort of stuff like “What time is it?” I look at my watch and tell her. But she still has to pull out her phone (or look at the clock) and double check. Why bother asking me when it seems more like it’s just a test to see if I’ll do it than any other objective. She does this all the time with just as petty of things. It’s like my words aren’t worth the effort because they don’t have enough respect that she can just accept them as ‘how it is’. Even with the smallest of things like reading a watch and knowing the time.... It’s almost like she’s ‘fact checking’ my every word and action then looking for mistakes... Drives me bonkers.


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

Racer said:


> I’m a laid back sort. It’s really fairly simple. Stop trying to pick apart or double check or ‘correcting’ me. Take me on face value that I mean what I say and do instead of it just being some fluke behavior because I got it right.
> 
> She sort of treats me like a child. I find it incredibly condescending and undermining of mutual respect. I kinda think she’s either stupid or compulsive due to this behavior.
> 
> So, she asks for my help with something or a question. Sort of stuff like “What time is it?” I look at my watch and tell her. But she still has to pull out her phone (or look at the clock) and double check. Why bother asking me when it seems more like it’s just a test to see if I’ll do it than any other objective. She does this all the time with just as petty of things. It’s like my words aren’t worth the effort because they don’t have enough respect that she can just accept them as ‘how it is’. Even with the smallest of things like reading a watch and knowing the time.... It’s almost like she’s ‘fact checking’ my every word and action then looking for mistakes... Drives me bonkers.


Yeah, treating your spouse with condescension and constantly correcting them definitely undermines respect. I don't think I've ever done much of that thankfully. He's a competent person and I believe what he says.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

bbdad said:


> We did a study on the book Love & Respect by Emerson Eggrich (sp?). It talked about these things.
> 
> Some things that stick out:
> Talk about positive things you like about your husband in front of others. Do not state the negative things in front of others.
> ...


Good God man do you have a hidden camera at my house?


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## CarefulinNY (Sep 30, 2013)

When my wife brags about me to others.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

minimouse said:


> There is of course a "story" behind this question but I don't think it's necessary to get into it all right now. So to get to the point, I am trying to adopt a more submissive frame with my husband of 12 years. He is a great guy and generally easygoing, so it isn't as if he has a whole lot of demands for me to attend to. But I don't think he should be "punished" for being laid back, so, guys, what can/does your wife do that makes you feel like THE MAN; that makes you feel important and respected? I am trying to do what I can think of, but since I'm not a guy, I may be missing something . Thanks in advance .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Easy answer. I feel respected when my partner puts in the same level of effort I do towards my spouse and the family & household in general. This is in and out of the bedroom. So if I put in a 12-hour day and come home to dinner and a tidy home, I'm content on that issue. If, OTOH, my partner is watching TV or on the phone and the place is a wreck, I'm upset that she has beeb chilling while I'm busting it to support her.

I understand that people have different abilities in different areas, so the emphasis is on effort and not necessarily results.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Natalie789 (Aug 24, 2013)

Want2babettrme said:


> Stop using my addiction to beat me down and lift yourself up.
> 
> Admit and work on her problems instead of hyperfocusing on everything I do.


I'm not a man, but I think my answers could still provide insight. My husband does many of the things that want2babettrme's wife does. 

He plays "therapist" and talks about my problems constantly. He does talk about his own sometimes, but he focuses far more on mine.

I wouldn't say I had a sex addiction, but I had many more previous sexual partners than the average woman, and far more than what my husband would have preferred. He knows this brings me shame, and uses it to insult me in arguments.

This doesn't make me feel very respected.

Don't ever use your spouse's insecurities in a fight. Ever. They will never forget it, even if you just do it once.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Feeling respect for me is often tied to admiration. I admire many things about my wife, for instance, and I respect her for those same qualities. When my wife demonstrates that she admires something about me, I feel respected.


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

DTO said:


> Easy answer. I feel respected when my partner puts in the same level of effort I do towards my spouse and the family & household in general. This is in and out of the bedroom. So if I put in a 12-hour day and come home to dinner and a tidy home, I'm content on that issue. If, OTOH, my partner is watching TV or on the phone and the place is a wreck, I'm upset that she has beeb chilling while I'm busting it to support her.
> 
> I understand that people have different abilities in different areas, so the emphasis is on effort and not necessarily results.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think I've got this one covered. I bust my <> in and (part time) outside the house.


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

Natalie789 said:


> Don't ever use your spouse's insecurities in a fight. Ever. They will never forget it, even if you just do it once.


This is really good advice for everyone. Some things you say can never be taken back.


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> Feeling respect for me is often tied to admiration. I admire many things about my wife, for instance, and I respect her for those same qualities. When my wife demonstrates that she admires something about me, I feel respected.


Good point. I admire a lot of things about my husband, but maybe I don't always convey my admiration. Thanks.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Not getting my balls busted for little things when I basically run the entire ship. And I'm referring to wife and children alike. Yeah, I know...a lot of guys feel like an ATM, too, but it have a very small list of things that I expect and go the extra mile for my family. 

My wife had even admitted that she takes me for granted. Sure, I have my faults but the trade off isn't close. 

I could care less about a thank you, but don't feel I'm wrong by expecting the little things that add up.


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