# My husband says he doesn't want our marriage anymore. HELP!



## iwantmore (Dec 30, 2011)

Hi, I have posted on this site a couple times now. Things are not going so well in my marriage as you could probably tell from the heading. My H and I are 33 and 28 respectively, no kids, married for 4 years, together for 5. We currently live in a self-contained apartment at his mother's house. 
Things with us went downhill like a year ago.. November 2010. He discovered his late father who by that time was dead for one year, had in his lifetime fathered a daughter with another woman. That girl was 21 at that time. My H had become estranged from his own mother and his other sister after his father's death - their relationship was always a bit hostile since I knew him. He then became rather attached to this half-sister, at a time when his job, family life and our relationship was not doing so well. Our relationship had jealousy issues (mainly me, as my H is not the jealous type), also my H may have been a bit down as we were living with my parents at the time. We had just moved back home from England when we heard his dad died in November 2009. 
Now my H and this new found half-sister spent all available time talking and skyping and I will admit that I became jealous at a time when I should have been there for him. My jealousy led him to hide the fact that he was communicating with the sister, so much so that one day after I went to work, my H packed all his things from my parents' home, moved it to his mum's and eventually left the country to meet this half-sister, who lives in another country. He was gone for 45 days, all the time denying that he was at his sister's but claiming that he was in London. I never believed the London story because of how much cash he had. 
In spite of this, I came to realise that I should have been a better, more supportive wife and decided to try to work this marriage out. When he did eventually return to the country, he did not want to live at my parents' and we did not have enough cash to live on our own, so we went to his mum's to live. His mum and I were not on the best of terms at this point, but I thought it was worth the price to work on my marriage. We have been at his mum's for almost a year now and once again in November 2011 my H started to act up again. 
Let me just say that upon his return, his mum was terribly upset about the half-sister as she never knew anything of it and it was a tough pill to swallow after her H's death. His mum then requested that he not have contact with the half-sister, and despite myself, this made me happy to know that she would not be there to encourage him to leave again. She is a young girl and has no respect for marriage, which is something she possibly shares with her own mother who had an extramarital affair with another married person.
In July 2011 I discovered that my H was indeed talking to his half-sister and was doing so for some time, secretly. I confronted him and was really hurt that he was still hiding and lying to me after what we had been through earlier. I eventually let it go on the basis that he no longer hide and keep secrets.
Here is where I will accept that I did not handle this well. I would often ask him, like to the point of it being a daily occurrence, 'so, did u speak to or text her today?'.. This goes against all that I had agreed to let go by accepting my own wrong in being jealous of their communication. Instead of show myself to be accommodating, I simply continued to carry on being jealous, and to my H this must have been frustrating. 
My H is not a talker, when it comes to issues of the heart. He does not discuss emotions and while I know this is unhealthy, I can understand that he has a lot of emotional baggage from his past and his childhood. But his lack of 'talk' led to me continuing my nagging and jealousy about the half-sister, and again I realised he began to hide when he would speak to her or text her. This tended to breed distrust in me as I wanted to know what else he was hiding. This would lead to paranoia to such extents that I am ashamed to admit it. I accept that my actions were absolutely unnecessary.
Recently, I found out that a woman has been frequenting my H's workplace (we have a retail store that he manages) and that she has been hitting on him extensively. Again, my jealousy kicked in and I spoke with him about it, telling him that he needed to exercise caution when it comes to some women, because even though he may not be pursuing anything extra-marital with them, that wont mean that they are not being led on. This situation escalated to the point where people were telling me that they saw him at her house and so on, an issue that was raised to him in the presence of his mother, and he denied it. Now our relationship has at that point been consumed with arguments over the same thing - -my jealousy and nagging. My H is a very laid back person, honest, generous and fun. 
Also at that time, my H dropped a bombshell on me saying that he no longer wanted to have kids. This hurt like crazy because he never said this before, and we were actually trying to conceive at this point. This lead to such arguments and tears that I cannot begin to explain. I could not comprehend why he would change his mind in the middle of us trying and felt like he deceived me into marrying him, etc etc.
On New Years' Eve, he went out for a bit with the boys and I chose to stay in to think. I decided then and there to trust in him, not to dwell on the what ifs, and learn to give him the benefit of the doubt. I accepted that my jealousy was killing my marriage and breeding insane paranoia, which in turn was also having its go at my marriage. At that point I made a promise to myself to learn to accept and move on, for the good of my marriage and the H that I love too much to lose. I also came to realise that to my H, this is why he did not want kids, because things were not looking good for us.
When he got home that night, I told him of my change of heart, but he was not positive about it, and kept saying that he didn't think our marriage could work. But I persisted and told him I would prove it to him. He accepted and we entered the New Year on this basis.
Now on the night of Jan 3rd, I was proceeding with my plan, taking my time with him, not fighting. He had gone for a haircut and I was at home, spending some time talking with his mother. When he got in, he approached me asking why I looked angry, to which I responded that I was not. He kept asking, what are you up to, because I guess he expects me to talk a lot. This is what would normally happen. I would want to discuss and re-discuss every issue under the sun. I have now gotten tired of the fighting and this is why I chose not to talk much. I told him that I realised that talking lead to fights and I just wanted us to take it easy tonight.
He did not believe me on this and began saying that he knew me and he knew something was up, he said that I kept accusing him all day long of doing something. This is because during the day when I called him, I asked 'what are u doing?'. This is normal and he often asks me that when he calls me, but for some reason today he felt like I was accusing him. Despite my best efforts at explaining to him, he simply did not want to hear me out, saying that he no longer wanted this marriage and telling me he would call my parents and tell them if I wanted. He even said that if I don't end it, he will. He said to me that his mind was turned from the marriage and that if he wanted to just write me off, he could. He even said to me that once he gets fed up, he will book a ticket and be gone. All this time, I was trying to reason with him, telling him that I know things will be different, but he says he's heard it all before and he's not interested.
He eventually told this to his mum, and we did eventually go to her living room to have a chat. She understood what I was saying to him, but he simply would not budge. He walked out of the conversation several times and while he was there, every time I tried to talk reason and sense, he would contradict me. If you overheard him, you would think I must be such a terrible person and a horrible wife. After we all spoke, I stayed with his mum for about an hour just talking.
When I came down to our apartment, he was in the shower. We both got showered, not saying anything to each other. I got online to send this (now rather long!) message and he said he was going to bed.
We have not discussed things again. And while it kills me, because I like to have peace of mind, I want to be able to give it some time. This may be one way of showing him that I am learning to let things go a bit -- not the marriage, but the arguments. 
I am worried though, about what happens from here on out. We have had our fights but never to the extent that he looks me in the eye and says that he does not want this marriage anymore. That scares the hell out of me, because I know that I have an amazing H and that we can have a better life together than I can have with another man. I welcome any advice/ suggestions on what would be my best move from here.
Thank you so much for reading my story and thank you for any advice.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

No advise really. Plain and simple whatever you do, he isnt for you.


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## iwantmore (Dec 30, 2011)

My H has this afternoon asked me to leave the house. He keeps saying he's fed up and he does not want to make the marriage work. He asks me to return to my parents' house as he does not want me here. He won't listen to me when I try to explain to him that I can change and all I need is some time for him to see that I have changed. He is adamant that I leave. I spoke with his mother and she is shocked that this is happening. We both tried to talk with him, but he won't budge.
A few minutes ago I became teary again and he says that I always accuse him and that he is fed up. He is overreacting because I do not always accuse him of anything -- I only pointed out an issue to him when people were saying that they saw him with someone else. Was I wrong to ask about it? His mother thinks I was well within my rights to ask him.
Right now I am going to share a bed with my H and I don't know when next, if ever I will share a bed with him again. This is killing me but he insists he wants a break. Help?!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Stop what you are doing. Either he is in or out of the marriage and it appears he is out. He doesn't want to be w you. So accept it. Stop begging him to be w you and telling him all the ways you can chaange. Its unattractive and unprodutctive. If ur name is on the title of ur house, do not leave as it can be seen as "abandonment" in a court of law. Get ur game face on and tell him point blank..."If u want to end our marriage, I am not going to stop you. I deserve better. And deserve to be with someone who wants to be w me. Since u want to end things, you can leave. I will not uproot my life and let u dictate the terms of my living arrangements." Then walk away. U are being a total doormat and its not going to help. So PLEASE find ur dignity and self respect and be done w him. He isn't worth the heartache.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iwantmore (Dec 30, 2011)

Yesterday I moved out of the house. My name is not on the title to the property. I am back at my parents' and he has been texting me since I left. I have not communicated with him at all. Maybe a break is what we both need.


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