# is or isn't he?



## dixieindistress (Jul 29, 2011)

Hi everyone, 

I chanced upon this forum accidentally but I'm sure glad i did! This is going to be a bit long...apologies in advance!

My husband and I are both going to school right now and we've been married over 4 years. He's always had low self-esteem, and had no drive to further his education or himself. When he finally decided to pursue his Bachelor's, I was supportive and encouraged him every step of the way. For the past year, he's been doing okay in his classes and we've been happy. His behavior has drastically changed over the past month. 

Throughout my marriage, he's always been jealous of my (male) best friend, whom I consider a brother. Really, it's VERY platonic. In one of his classes this summer, he met a girl who worked with him in his lab. The trouble started when another person was assigned to his group. This other person, according to my husband, beared a striking resemblance to my best friend and the girl he worked with had a personality comparable to mine and looked a bit like me as well. 

As the other guy and the girl started becoming friends, my husband made it his personal goal to "save her from the same fate." I really didn't understand his obsession and told him I wasn't too comfortable with what he was doing. Nevertheless, he persisted and did whatever he could to draw her attention away from the other guy. All he would talk about was this girl and he seemed to know the most intimate details about her (even though they've only known each other for a few weeks). Then I would notice txts from her at odd hours (seriously, what acquaintance txts you "good morning?"). Although there's nothing sexual (that i know of), they were very flirtatious. I confronted my husband about this and while I expressed my concerns about her behaviour, he assured me that they were just friends.

This week, he was acting distant and just strange overall. I questioned him about his behavior and he responded with "you know, i think (girl's name) DOES like me." Then he told me that he doesn't want anything to do with our relationship anymore and that he wants a divorce. He told me that this has nothing to do with the girl, just that we're not working anymore. He also told me and his mother that nothing's happened with this girl and that they're just friends. However, while I'm at home trying to cope with everything he's thrown at me this week, he's busy texting the girl to see when she gets off work so they can hang out. What's really going on here? Is this just emotional or is there more? What should I do next? Thanks for reading and I appreciate any input!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

He's cheating and at this point it doesn't matter if it is emotional or physical. Your best bet is probably to expose him. Have you told his mother? If not, that's a good place to start. You may also want to start enacting the 180 Program (available on Marriage Builder's website).


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## dixieindistress (Jul 29, 2011)

I've told his mother and his aunt (he considers her to be a second mom and confides in her alot). They're both surprised that he could act so out of character and when they talked to him, all he did was insist that he's 'just friends' with this girl. Also, I should mention that although he talks to his family almost everyday, he hasn't contacted his aunt in weeks and hasn't returned his mom's calls for the past few days until now.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

He is without a doubt cheating.


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## dixieindistress (Jul 29, 2011)

RWB said:


> Yep,
> 
> Same story here. When your spouse suddenly surprises you with...
> 
> ...


I'm just floored by this. Everything was fine earlier on this week. I've been working long hours in the lab on my thesis so I have no idea what he's doing ever. He's been out alot with his classmates but lately (even as I type) it seems like it's just with her. This all happened so quickly...and now he tells me he's not in love with me anymore, hasn't been happy, and wants to leave me in order to not hurt me. Unbelievable.


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## SIP (Jul 27, 2011)

I'm sorry because I know the pain you are going through. Finding out happens quickly but probably he was attracted to her from initial introduction. Having said that, he is confusing lust with love. You said he had low self esteem so it is probably flattering that another woman has given him some attention and sounds like he is immature (don't mean to insult) and mistakes that for a possible 'long lasting' relationship. He says he wants separation so give him what he wants and then see if he still 'REALLY' wants it. I don't usually think playing games in a marriage is the way to approach healing a marriage, but in this case give him a reason to miss you by not trying to change his mind, you may just force him to grow up! 

As far as the other woman, do you really think she will want a man who would walk out on his wife so abruptly? It may be flattering at first but that flattery will turn to insecurity and their 'relationship' will not last.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Either he is having an affair or it's a one-sided crush.

He has told you he wants out, so let him go. Tell him he can leave today becauseyou are not interested in playing house with someone who has told you they don't love you/are not interested int he marraige.

Seriously. Youneed to do this. STAT. Tell him you will not live in an open marriage or any kind of marriage where he comes home each day expecting to have his married comfortable life while he's out chasing ghosts and fantasies. Let her meet all of his emotional needs. Don't be there for him. At all. 

You must stand you ground.

How you handle this from the onset (now) will determine the rest of your future, with or without him. 

If you waffle or show him you're still ok with being his Plan B, he will lose all respect for you. So don't. Tell him it's either 100% the marriage, or you aren't going to be around. 

LET
HIM
GO.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I went from getting a facebook friend request from an old high school flame that I hadn't heard from in 22 years to a full on EA in a little less than two weeks - it can happen with blinding speed. He has totally given himself over to his affair and isn't thinking clearly, logically or morally. It's like being on drugs, and like getting someone off of drugs the only things that will get him out of the affair are a 2X4 across the face (figuratively speaking - literally you telling him to pick) and him ultimately wanting to leave the affair and reconcile with you.


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## dixieindistress (Jul 29, 2011)

SIP said:


> I'm sorry because I know the pain you are going through. Finding out happens quickly but probably he was attracted to her from initial introduction. Having said that, he is confusing lust with love. You said he had low self esteem so it is probably flattering that another woman has given him some attention and sounds like he is immature (don't mean to insult) and mistakes that for a possible 'long lasting' relationship. He says he wants separation so give him what he wants and then see if he still 'REALLY' wants it. I don't usually think playing games in a marriage is the way to approach healing a marriage, but in this case give him a reason to miss you by not trying to change his mind, you may just force him to grow up!
> 
> As far as the other woman, do you really think she will want a man who would walk out on his wife so abruptly? It may be flattering at first but that flattery will turn to insecurity and their 'relationship' will not last.


No offense taken on the "immature" comment. In fact, he's approaching 30 this year and it seems more and more that he's having some kind of life crisis. Before committing to school, he was a hardcore gamer (would take days off from work to and when he wasn't employed, played about 8-14 hours a day), which did alot of damage to our relationship. In fact, he actually left me to move back to his parents' crosscountry so that he could 'do whatever he wanted.' I was on the verge of filing for divorce after a 6-mo separation but he insisted on coming back and working things out and that he's changed. Yes, he enrolled in school. Great. Sadly, he's not doing as well as he'd like and although he's slowly weaning himself off the games, it seems like he's found another outlet. My patience is REALLY running out...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No, Dixie... not time for your "patience to BE running out."

The time now is to not have any patience, any second chances (or so you must convey), any wiggle room.

No. No. No.

Tell him you're done, too (just like he told you) and you will be taking appropriate measures to separate and/or divorce because you will not live in an open marriage.

THIS IS A NON-NEGOTIABLE.

And it is paramount if you have any shot at saving your marriage.

Fact!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Find Mori's thread: Just Let Them Go.

READ and heed the advice.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

dixieindistress said:


> No offense taken on the "immature" comment. In fact, he's approaching 30 this year and it seems more and more that he's having some kind of life crisis. Before committing to school, he was a hardcore gamer (would take days off from work to and when he wasn't employed, played about 8-14 hours a day), which did alot of damage to our relationship. In fact, he actually left me to move back to his parents' crosscountry so that he could 'do whatever he wanted.' I was on the verge of filing for divorce after a 6-mo separation but he insisted on coming back and working things out and that he's changed. Yes, he enrolled in school. Great. Sadly, he's not doing as well as he'd like and although he's slowly weaning himself off the games, it seems like he's found another outlet. My patience is REALLY running out...


It sounds as though you could be dealing with a "Peter Pan" too.
You may find it helpful to read The Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up by Dr. Dan Kiley. If that's the case you may want him to leave.


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## dixieindistress (Jul 29, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Find Mori's thread: Just Let Them Go.
> 
> READ and heed the advice.


Jellybeans,

I know you're right. This has gone on way too long and has been emotionally taxing to the nth degree. I'm just tired now and if he wants to throw everything away on a whim, so be it. When I talked to him about a divorce this morning, the topic of spousal support came up. Being his considerate self, he didn't think that he owed me anything or that i deserved anything. We don't have any property, we're still poor college students, but he'd be leaving me with our lease and the debt we've incurred together while he gets to live rent/responsibility free with his parents.


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## dixieindistress (Jul 29, 2011)

827Aug said:


> It sounds as though you could be dealing with a "Peter Pan" too.
> You may find it helpful to read The Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up by Dr. Dan Kiley. If that's the case you may want him to leave.


Yeah, definitely got a Peter Pan. I used to think it was just a phase but it's turned out to be a much bigger problem. Now that i've pushed him to go to school and take on more responsibilities in our relationship, it seems like it's too much to take for him. It's gotten to the point where he's tried to convince me that i'm in love with my best friend, and that i should go for him. What sane husband would push his wife to go to another man? How selfish do you have to be??


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

dixieindistress said:


> Jellybeans,
> 
> I know you're right. This has gone on way too long and has been emotionally taxing to the nth degree. I'm just tired now and if he wants to throw everything away on a whim, so be it. When I talked to him about a divorce this morning, the topic of spousal support came up. Being his considerate self, he didn't think that he owed me anything or that i deserved anything. We don't have any property, we're still poor college students, but he'd be leaving me with our lease and the debt we've incurred together while he gets to live rent/responsibility free with his parents.


oh H*LL no! Get yourself a lawyer, fast!


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## dixieindistress (Jul 29, 2011)

Craggy456 said:


> oh H*LL no! Get yourself a lawyer, fast!


Amen to that! This is all happening so fast...it's getting so overwhelming!


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

dixieindistress said:


> Amen to that! This is all happening so fast...it's getting so overwhelming!


I"m going thru the same thing you are. My H is out of town on business so this gives me an avenue to make copies of all our paperwork, debts, mortgage etc. I am NOT going to let him get away from this scot free. Of course, he doesn't know I'm planning all of this but I plan on blindsiding him worse than he did to me.
Once we're finished he is free to dip his wick in anything that moves! He's a sex addict and needs it in every way shape and form and I won't be the one to put out anymore .


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## dixieindistress (Jul 29, 2011)

Craggy456 said:


> I"m going thru the same thing you are. My H is out of town on business so this gives me an avenue to make copies of all our paperwork, debts, mortgage etc. I am NOT going to let him get away from this scot free. Of course, he doesn't know I'm planning all of this but I plan on blindsiding him worse than he did to me.
> Once we're finished he is free to dip his wick in anything that moves! He's a sex addict and needs it in every way shape and form and I won't be the one to put out anymore .


Craggy,

I'm so glad someone can relate! It's just such a relief to know that I'm not the only one going through all this crap. My H is not in the slightest sense remorseful for everything he's putting me through...i sure as hell won't be remorseful for everything he has coming his way in court. Good luck with your situation!


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

dixieindistress said:


> Yeah, definitely got a Peter Pan. I used to think it was just a phase but it's turned out to be a much bigger problem. Now that i've pushed him to go to school and take on more responsibilities in our relationship, it seems like it's too much to take for him. It's gotten to the point where he's tried to convince me that i'm in love with my best friend, and that i should go for him. What sane husband would push his wife to go to another man? How selfish do you have to be??


Wow. What kind of a man would push his wife towards another male? :scratchhead:

It sounds like the kid never really grew up. As much as this sucks right now, and I know it sucks, you'll be better off in the long run. It's probably too dramatic right now to feel that way, but it's true.


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## dixieindistress (Jul 29, 2011)

RWB said:


> Dixie,
> 
> You are smart to get to a place like this "TAM" and understand what is really going on with your husband. I was stupid and just would never believe (I suspected for a long time) or want to know the truth. By just agreeing and be complacent my wife took that as weak and non caring and advanced her affairs. It took years before I finally got my head out of the sand to realize she was sleeping with other men.
> 
> ...


RWB, thanks for your support. I'm all too familiar with all three reasons, unfortunately--emotional neglect (might as well be abuse), financial ruin (he often prioritized his gaming habits before bills), and of course, this recent affair (which is becoming more obvious with his recent absence and obscurity). For a while, I was stupid and way too optimistic about my future with him but seriously, as Soccerfan said, who in their right mind would try to push their wife to go to another man? 

I'm still trying to make sense of everything and it's very hard to not dwell on how angry I am but I suppose the consolation is that this is all happening at an early time in my life. We have no children, no assets and if all goes well with school, I should have a bright future ahead. It's just sad to see plans of the first home, first child, and growing old and more in love with each other everyday go up in flames. I know my expectations weren't over the top, I just bet on the wrong horse.


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## howcouldshe (Jul 18, 2011)

> I'm still trying to make sense of everything and it's very hard to not dwell on how angry I am but I suppose the consolation is that this is all happening at an early time in my life. We have no children, no assets and if all goes well with school, I should have a bright future ahead. It's just sad to see plans of the first home, first child, and growing old and more in love with each other everyday go up in flames. I know my expectations weren't over the top, I just bet on the wrong horse.


I can tell from this you have a good head on your shoulders now that being said now is the time to use that head.
The fact that he played games like this before (no pun intendend) shows you how he is. For him now to be saying this woman looks like you and pushing you to someone else, come on, that is the last thing a good spouse does.

From a responsibility stand point you are in a good spot, you have very little if any debt and no kids, run now, he has shown his true colors twice. Call an attorney on Monday and get started so not wait as you will try to justify why he is doing it or think that you can make him change and the fact is your cant and dont want to make him change he has already shown you his make up twice with wanting to leave or take time out.

Show him that you have the respect for yourself that I know you have.

Good Luck


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## dixieindistress (Jul 29, 2011)

howcouldshe said:


> I can tell from this you have a good head on your shoulders now that being said now is the time to use that head.
> The fact that he played games like this before (no pun intendend) shows you how he is. For him now to be saying this woman looks like you and pushing you to someone else, come on, that is the last thing a good spouse does.
> 
> From a responsibility stand point you are in a good spot, you have very little if any debt and no kids, run now, he has shown his true colors twice. Call an attorney on Monday and get started so not wait as you will try to justify why he is doing it or think that you can make him change and the fact is your cant and dont want to make him change he has already shown you his make up twice with wanting to leave or take time out.
> ...


Thank you everyone for your support and kind words. 

I have been in doubt for the past few days but I think what I've found this morning is the last nail in the coffin. Not only has he been deleting all of her messages on his phone, I found one where she invited him out and told him to tell me that "it was just coincidence." To make matters worse, he's been looking for apartments closer to where she's going to school. 

To answer this thread's question? HE IS. 

Now my next challenge is to find a reasonably priced attorney so I don't end up spending more on legal fees than what I'll ever get from him in terms of spousal support. He's not getting away _that easily_ with turning my life upside-down and leaving me in emotional ruin for years to come.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Good advice in this thread, so I hope you follow it.

With all that said, he should have divorced you years ago before he started cheating, considering you have no regard for his feelings. And by that I mean, you having a male friend as your best friend that he's been uncomfortable with it. If he was uncomfortable with it, he should have made you choose between your friend and the marriage. I know I would have. 

He may even be justifying his affair in his mind as a revenge affair. Just something to think about.

Oh, and if you do get married again, and your new husband feels uncomfortable or has issues with you and your friend, are you going to put your friend before your husbands feelings again?


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## dixieindistress (Jul 29, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Good advice in this thread, so I hope you follow it.
> 
> With all that said, he should have divorced you years ago before he started cheating, considering you have no regard for his feelings. And by that I mean, you having a male friend as your best friend that he's been uncomfortable with it. If he was uncomfortable with it, he should have made you choose between your friend and the marriage. I know I would have.
> 
> ...


This male friend of mine is like family to me and initially, everyone got along fine. As a matter of fact, he was my H's best man. It's only when we have problems that he expresses his hatred and discomfort with my friend. When we kissed and made up, he'd be fine with my friend again. 

With this recent affair, my long hours at work are now to blame as I "never have time for him." I strangely remember coming home from work at 8PM ass-tired, still waiting to spend time with my H, but he was doing a raid online and made me wait for a few hours. My H will either blame everyone else for his problems or run away from them. He just leaves the house everytime I try to talk to him about our current problems. 

So Mayhem, under normal circumstances with a normal man, yes, I would have to let go of someone that important to me to make the marriage work. Besides, shouldn't the man I marry be my new best friend? But really, do I have a normal man?


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