# Well, today was a tough day mentally, for sure



## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

This morning I signed the paperwork, and my divorce complaint was filed. I felt both excited and sad about it. I am so devastated that things didn't work out, but on the other hand when I think of how my husband treated me, and how he thinks he's so smart and competent and I'm worthless and can't do anything for myself, I just start smirking when I think of him getting hit with a divorce notice. That is, if we can find him to serve him. 

But there is a part of him that is good and that I have always loved, and even though I know that he isn't the man I fell in love with anymore, and even though I know how little regard he had for me, I do still miss the man I thought I was marrying, I mourn his loss all the time. Every day is a new battle to keep my chin up, and keep fighting for my life. Everything I thought I had, and everything I thought was to come for me is gone now, and I sm starting from scratch. It's scary as hell, but good thing I like a challenge.

But then, to kind of ice the cake of the day, I came home tonight to find I had received a notification in the mail that my husband's officially been approved to begin the immigration process to the US. See, he went crazy on me so fast, we had filed the paperwork for him to immigrate here, and he left before it even finished processing. So now I have a notice from Homeland Security that I should be jumping up and down and celebrating...that's what I thought I would be doing if I got this in the mail. Instead, I took it and quickly hid it away, and tried to get my family, who saw it, to drop the whole thing really fast, because I simply couldn't deal with it. 

Now I'm just grieving, I guess, and feeling the after effects of the emotional nature of filing my divorce today. I am so blessed to have a family member who is a lawyer and was willing to really go to bat and save the day. We are looking at months, maybe years, of difficulty, due to the complexity of my case (I sure know how to complicate my life), and he has never once wavered on his promise to help me out. This is an incredible thing. 

But I am so ashamed that I am in this place now. I try not to be, and I try to build myself up, and give myself a million reasons to keep going and love life, but I am still reeling over just what a big mistake this was. Over how much pain I have caused myself, and even my family members. Over how stupid I was, and how hard it is now to admit it failed, because I feel that failure reflects on me. I either effed things up, or just have such atrocious judgement as to choose someone who could so royally eff things up as my husband did. It didn't help that tonight my dad felt the need to put his finger right on that fact, and point out to me how stupid I was, and demand to know what I was gonna do to insure it never happens again.

Well, that's the million dollar question, isn't it? If I can get myself into something like this, spend ten years loving and pursueing a guy who ultimately treated me like garbage, how can I ever know I'm not headed down that same path again, if I ever try this whole partnership/family thing again?

I'm angry at myself. I'm angry I was so stupid.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Stop. Focus on yourself. You. You alone. What do you like? What makes you happy? What gives you peace? Pursue those things. 

And breathe. Seriously, right now take a breath. It may seem silly, but focus on those 4 seconds. That is you.

Patience.

This moment, only....


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Good luck - sounds like a very difficult and complex situation...


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

You won't make the same mistakes again because you have learned from this experience.

Try not to feel ashamed (I so understand, though!). Everyone makes mistakes, but character comes from building yourself back up. Even Achilles had a weak spot!

You are strong. You figured out what you wanted and you're acting on it. You're making progress! 

I'm proud of you -- on your behalf. You're making better progress than me!


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

Well, desert_rose, the problem is I *did* make the same mistake twice. This is the first time I have been married, but not the first time my husband has done this sort of crap. Four years ago I left him, when we were just basically friends with benefits, because he was becoming verbally abusive and controlling, and I realized we were making each other miserable. Fast forward a year and a half, and a marriage later for him, he comes back to me with a very convincing act that he's grown up and changed and now wants to settle down and live happily ever after with me. I was pretty tough on him and skeptical at first, and at first he treated me like a princess, til I was good and caught up in the spell of loving him, then things started going downhill again. But I blinded myself to what was happening, telling myself this was all meant to be, and my dream come true, so any problems here must be my problems, not him.

Basically, while he was the one that started treating me like trash and making our lives hell, I blame myself for refusing to see what was happening...when it had already happened once before!

Sigh...and to give me more to deal with right now, today would have been the day my husband and I were at one point (before he completely went off the deep end and stopped making any sense) going to be going together back to Guatemala, which we both loved while down there. I feel guilty because while I in no way caused him to have his serious mental issues, I feel like I pushed him to have some sort of psychotic break, because initially we were fighting a lot, and even though I agreed to go with him in March to Guatemala, I did it very unhappily, for various reasons, and pretty much acted like a child having a temper tantrum, and just screamed and cursed at him over nothing for the couple days after we made that plan, and then suddenly he was saying Guatemala wasnt going to happen, and I would have to come with him to some primitive village in the Himalayas or something, and that he wouldn't consider any other compromise. That is just one example of the lunacy he came out with in the days and weeks after that...and I know that the crazy was already there, but I feel like my loss of self control in expressing my anger at him, just put him over the edge. 

Maybe it was for the best, I woudln't want that to have happened down the road 5 years, or if we had kids or something, instead, but I still do feel guilty, I guess. If that makes any sense.


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