# Confused



## drought (Jul 21, 2011)

Ive been married for a little over 2 years. In the beginning my sex life was great. 6 mo down the road and it was down hill.. After our son was born, the emergency brakes were slammed on sex. I understand being new and first time parents is time consuming and tiring. Now it seems like I have sex once a month. Im too young for that! I'm used to having sex regularly before I was married.

Ive tried everything. Staying fresh and clean; Brush my teeth before I kiss her; Acting like I don't want sex (Current tactic); 

She claims she wants it but her actions don't add up. I'm a coo of my company so she is a stay at home mom. I know that's a hard task too but over 75% of the time, she is at my brothers house (me and my brother work together) and my nieces watch my son all day while she does, what, I dont know..

I guess other than that the marriage is ok. Other small things but sex is major. I'm just not sure how long I can hang in there. I've masturbated more since I been married than in my entire life!

Maybe I'm being insensitive.. Not sure..

Any help or advice will help

Thank you


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

you have plummeted down her priority list. my wife works her butt off for my kids (3), and i realized she just doesnt have much left for me anymore. you will realize this too and you will either have to cope with it or make major and possibly unsavory choices. i have deferred my choices for later after the kids are gone and hopefully things change.


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## e.p. (Jun 10, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> you have plummeted down her priority list. my wife works her butt off for my kids (3), and i realized she just doesnt have much left for me anymore.


I've discovered the same thing in my relationship. My wife puts the kids above everything including our martial relationship. I try to put it into perspective for her but she has a difficult time buying it and believe it's just a sex-grab for me. It's not. I miss the cuddling, the kisses, the nonsexual affection and energy she used to direct towards me. Now she has nothing left after treating the kids and herself.

I keep working on it and I'm hoping at some point we can reach common ground. I don't want to wake up 14 years later with the kids out of the house and me and my wife trying to rediscover each other, while she is recovering from separation anxiety with the kids...

-e.p.


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## drought (Jul 21, 2011)

Thats what I figured.. Opportunity has opened and closed to go outside the marriage but I want to hold on strong to what I have.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

drought said:


> Thats what I figured.. Opportunity has opened and closed to go outside the marriage but I want to hold on strong to what I have.


i hear ya, and i am just not the type of person to seek satisfaction outside the marriage. maybe she knows that, dunno. i have realized some minor improvements employing tactics of manning up. not great, but headed in the right direction


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

The frequency of sex often declines after the birth of children. Especially if your wife is breastfeeding, her hormones may preclude her from being horny.

However, you've seen that talking won't help much. You need to man up and take charge of the relationship. Don't ask for sex, just physically lead her toward sex. Check out Athol's blog at Married Man Sex Life and get the primer.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

So, yes, women's libidos often take a nose-dive for awhile after they have babies. The hormonal fluctations (and breastfeeding, if she is doing that) can really do a number on you. BUT, if she was really aware that this was important to you, and you are important to her, then this would be important to her as well.

However, if this started prior to the baby, then think about what it is that changed between you when it started to go downhill at six months. Did you (maybe both of you) quit doing some of the things that you had been doing prior to getting married? I think that happens a lot - people just kind of coast along thinking the marriage will just take care of itself. But desire in your wife is something that needs to be fueled and that fire kept stoked by you.

And, if you've let the sexlessness coast along without any kind of repercussion, then she is likely to think that everything is just fine.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> So, yes, women's libidos often take a nose-dive for awhile after they have babies. The hormonal fluctations (and breastfeeding, if she is doing that) can really do a number on you. BUT, if she was really aware that this was important to you, and you are important to her, then this would be important to her as well.


A mate of mine was told:
"You're important, but they (kids) are MORE important", and "You can take care of yourself, they can't". Read the last bit anyhow you like


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> A mate of mine was told:
> "You're important, but they (kids) are MORE important", and "You can take care of yourself, they can't". Read the last bit anyhow you like


Yah - I know this is too prevalent of an attitude with some ladies, and I'm sure a bloke could figure out some good and not so good ways to "take care of himself".

It's too bad - those women are missing out on something really good.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Just ran across this thread in the Men's Clubhouse that I thought you might be interested in:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/27426-what-ive-learned-past-year-good-news-story.html


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## drought (Jul 21, 2011)

Thanx for all the positive feed back.. Our son is 9 mo now so.. It began early in the relationship.


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