# Twenty Years



## PFTGuy (Aug 28, 2011)

After 20 years of marriage, we had a frank conversation about divorce a couple of weeks ago (she brought it up). We didn't come to any concrete decisions, but the issue is definitely on the table now.

Here's our background:
I am 46, she is 49. We have one daughter living with us, a teenager. She has two older children who are grown and have their own families. We both work, but need our combined incomes to afford our current home. Our marriage has been full of difficulties...we were separated twice, but reconciled the first time because I believed that things would change, and the second time because I felt obligated to stay in the marriage for the sake of our daughter.

We both have reasons for wanting out. She doesn't trust me, and with some justification, because I have struggled with addictive behavior problems, which really bothers her. I want out because I feel that we spend a great deal of energy just getting along with each other...just coming home and being and around her is emotionally exhausting for me (some of this is due to her ADD, which leads to a number of things that bother me that could basically be summarized as just a very disordered home). Between job stress and marriage stress, I have felt no enthusiasm for life in years. I feel like I'm living in a grey twilight.

Yet, I'm feeling conflicted about moving out, and when to do it. My daughter is in high school, and I don't want to disrupt her life. I'm concerned about finances, and my wife's ability to make sound decisions on her own. Has anyone gone through this, at this stage of life? Or currently going through it? Just looking to share thoughts, insights, experiences.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I've heard of people who stay in the same house even though they are divorced.


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## PFTGuy (Aug 28, 2011)

I've heard of that too...my daughter has at least one friend whose parents did that. I don't think it would work for us though. One of the main reasons for the tension between us is the problems we have just living together.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Then co-develop some rules as if you are going to be roommates. There is financial benefit for both of you, and your daughter will like it as well. Try separation and see how it goes. It doesn't have to be formalized if you don't want to. You both have nothing to lose by at least trying. 

Just don't date others while you are doing this. It will mess up your daughter's head.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

"I want out because I feel that we spend a great deal of energy just getting along with each other...just coming home and being and around her is emotionally exhausting for me (some of this is due to her ADD, which leads to a number of things that bother me that could basically be summarized as just a very disordered home)."

my wife is a hoarder and i have lost all respect for her because she expects me to live in the environment she creates. i have already moved out of our bedroom, and am now contemplating moving out of the house. it wont affect her enough to make changes in her lifestyle, she is truly sick but also unbelievably obstenate. divorce would soon follow. i am going through the heavy thinking phase right now, its wearing me out. i just dont even want to be around her. i have three kids, two teens and an 11 yo. i am so conflicted its sickening, but so is my immense lack of happiness. its tough, i know. we are in our 21st year of marriage, i cant believe this is happening


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Hoarders need extensive mental health treatment. If she rejects getting help, you have to get yourself and your family out of there, and sell the house after you have her declared mentally unfit to participate in financial decisions. See a lawyer ASAP.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i dont want to hijack the original thread, but i did want to point out similarities in my situation and his. im guessing the "disorderly house" he speaks of would be similar to mine. not stacked to the rafters with junk (like on TV) but not what any normal person would want to live with.


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## PFTGuy (Aug 28, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> i dont want to hijack the original thread, but i did want to point out similarities in my situation and his. im guessing the "disorderly house" he speaks of would be similar to mine. not stacked to the rafters with junk (like on TV) but not what any normal person would want to live with.


The situation is similar, but not as severe, as hoarding. I tease her about being a hoarder. She has a problem with too many magazine subscriptions, for example. Every tabletop or surface in the house is usually piled with old magazines, mail, receipts, coupons, and miscallaneous junk. 

Actually, she probably does have a mild case of hoarding, come to think of it. The garage is one source of conflict...the last two times we've moved, she was unable to get rid of a lot of old junk that still keeps us from parking cars in the garage. She's paralyzed when it comes to letting go of things.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

PFTGuy said:


> The situation is similar, but not as severe, as hoarding. I tease her about being a hoarder. She has a problem with too many magazine subscriptions, for example. Every tabletop or surface in the house is usually piled with old magazines, mail, receipts, coupons, and miscallaneous junk.
> 
> Actually, she probably does have a mild case of hoarding, come to think of it. The garage is one source of conflict...the last two times we've moved, she was unable to get rid of a lot of old junk that still keeps us from parking cars in the garage. She's paralyzed when it comes to letting go of things.


then it likely is at least mild hoarding. alot of hoarders keep everything but they do organize it. my wife is just a slob about it, i just dont get it but i do know i cant stop it. she too gets paralyzed if she tries to get rid of something. 

i dont want to turn your thread into a single subject item, but i felt where you are coming from. this issue (pack ratting) trees off into alot of other issues, its the mother of the problems with my marriage from my perspective, i harbor huge resentment about it.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

I don't think being separated but living in the same house would work with the hoarding problem. I'm inclined to think you maybe should have her declared insane. I would think your daughter might would find living somewhere else a relief. I guess this would depend on how bad the hoarding is. Is it something that is getting worse?

My sisters and I are starting to think my mother has this problem and it is showing signs of worsening.


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## PFTGuy (Aug 28, 2011)

LimboGirl said:


> I don't think being separated but living in the same house would work with the hoarding problem. I'm inclined to think you maybe should have her declared insane. I would think your daughter might would find living somewhere else a relief. I guess this would depend on how bad the hoarding is. Is it something that is getting worse?
> 
> My sisters and I are starting to think my mother has this problem and it is showing signs of worsening.


No, she's not insane...just a slob. My purpose here wasn't to focus blame on her or any specific problem, but to seek support for the general problems of separation after many years of marriage and having a family. 

Thanks for the feedback so far....


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

well i am definately right there, as in considering moving out. i am actually also considering asking my wife to move out as an alternative, so she can take all her stuff with her and i can bring our home back to normal. i have actually considered speaking with an attorney to see if thats viable.

its an emotional time right now, i am having trouble even hearing my wifes voice, what the hell has happened?


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> well i am definately right there, as in considering moving out. i am actually also considering asking my wife to move out as an alternative, so she can take all her stuff with her and i can bring our home back to normal. i have actually considered speaking with an attorney to see if thats viable.
> 
> its an emotional time right now, i am having trouble even hearing my wifes voice, what the hell has happened?


This is just me but I think I would find it more stressful for her to move out. Wouldn't you have to wait for her to move the stuff? Wouldn't that drag on forever? Just me I know very little about your situation. I get stressed when I go to my mom's house. She not as bad as half the people you see on TV, but there have been so many problems in my family of origin that I think it is affecting her.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

PFTGuy said:


> No, she's not insane...just a slob. My purpose here wasn't to focus blame on her or any specific problem, but to seek support for the general problems of separation after many years of marriage and having a family.
> 
> Thanks for the feedback so far....


Didn't mean to sound harsh. I feel really bad for my mom, but haven't decided what to do about it.


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