# Done Deal



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Mind is going 90 to nothing. I filed for divorce today. Did I want to? Heck no. We all have that corner that we get backed into and it's a fight or flight reasoning. I was told this is the way I am and I won't change. I just sent my H a text telling him I am sorry but I can't live with what he is willing to give me. I wanted my best friend, lover and my rock. Guess I asked for to much. Yes I have been in IC, he refused to go. I turned 50 last month and looked at my future and and decided I can't be just his secretary and take care of everything..... I thought it was suppose to be a partnership. Yes, I have a HD but twice in 5 months isn't right. He said he wasn't interest in sex anymore. 

I unfriended all of his family and him on Facebook. One daughter has already been nasty about it. I shut my phone off tonight so I won't look at his text back to me. 

I have been through the ringer with this marriage stuff. I have been abused and neglect with my first marriage that lasted for 16 years, divorced for 12 years and now remarried for 10 months. 

I am stronger than that now and I will not stand for being made to feel like a second class citizen. 

Sorry I need to vent and I appreciate this place being by outlet. That being said, if u reply to this thread I don't want hateful, mean people responding. I hurt enough with the pious replies I have seen. We are all people that are hurting or have problems, not looking to b beat up even more. 

With all that being saids, I am okay (yeah right) but at least I am going forward instead of saying poor me and not standing up for ME. Major prayers tonight for strength and wisdom!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## itscomplicatedforsure (May 30, 2013)

Tomara,
Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I am not one those folks that will beat you up about your decision. I have seen a lot of that, and don't agree with it. Constructive advice is one thing, but assumptions are all too easy to come to, it seems. 
I have been divorced for almost 2 years now, and stayed in an unhappy marriage for far too long. I hate to hear that it's just as easy to make a mistake the second time around. Not sure I will ever go down that path again. Seems hard to find that person that will be all the things we need and want them to be, but I keep hoping that it's possible. I guess the only good thing in your situation is that you were able to recognize early that it's not working and maybe it's a bit easier to make the decision to get out. Was a hard thing for me to do, even though I knew it was the right thing for me to do.
Prayers coming your way!


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

itscomplicatedforsure said:


> Tomara,
> Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I am not one those folks that will beat you up about your decision. I have seen a lot of that, and don't agree with it. Constructive advice is one thing, but assumptions are all too easy to come to, it seems.
> I have been divorced for almost 2 years now, and stayed in an unhappy marriage for far too long. I hate to hear that it's just as easy to make a mistake the second time around. Not sure I will ever go down that path again. Seems hard to find that person that will be all the things we need and want them to be, but I keep hoping that it's possible. I guess the only good thing in your situation is that you were able to recognize early that it's not working and maybe it's a bit easier to make the decision to get out. Was a hard thing for me to do, even though I knew it was the right thing for me to do.
> Prayers coming your way!



Thank you for the kind words. Got a text this morning telling me that he was never going to be what I wanted....hit me upside the head but I have to admit he is right. I don't think it is wrong to have love, friendship, affection in a marriage unless they changed the rules on me and I didn't know it. :scratchhead:

I will never get married again, lesson has been learned. Just ready to get all this over with and get on with my life.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomara...ignore the crude remarks. Those who make them are

simply seeking validation for their own misgivings

Focus on yourself and fix it

filing for D does not mean it is over

even after the D final, people can change

but there is only a very few that accomplish this

It takes two to make a marriage

it takes two to kill a marriage

every one has faults, knowing them up front helps

men wish to be respected

women wish to be loved


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> It takes two to make a marriage
> 
> it takes two to kill a marriage


These are two contradictory statements.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I didn't kill the marriage, I was invested in it. My problem is I choose the wrong person. He wasn't willing to deal with any problem. He is on the road all the time and wanted someone to take care of his business. Then the health problems came along, we got through that and he's doing better than he has in years.

Example of how disconnected he is, home for two days, spoke no more than 50 words to me and played on his phone the whole time. Slept in the same bed with me but would not touch me. Hadn't seen him in three weeks. 

He says he doesn't want to fight or b enemies. Sorry right now, I have a lot of anger and hurt. Enemies probably not but a friendship, never.

How can some people be so cold to the one they professed to love? Guess there is no logic to be found in that last statment.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

okay

it takes two to get married

it takes two to get divorced


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> okay
> 
> it takes two to get married
> 
> it takes two to get divorced


I guess willing or unwilling should be added.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomara, what my message implied was...

for whatever reason, you are posting on here

and filed for D

let me try a political analogy

no one is 100% Republican as no one is 100%

Democrat 

this being said.....not one person is perfect

but you made every attempt possible

and it fell on deaf ears

therefore you chose to file

sounds very similar to my situation

reason I stated focus on you and improve yourself

physically and mentally

if you do both, emotionally will be right behind


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> okay
> 
> it takes two to get married
> 
> it takes two to get divorced


Fair enough.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> Tomara, what my message implied was...
> 
> for whatever reason, you are posting on here
> 
> ...


I totally understand where you are coming from. The physical side will come when the hurting subsides. Hard to eat and when I do it doesn't stay down. Mentally I am working on myself otherwise I would stay in the same situation I am in now. 

He just texted me and said he will be laid off next week and would stay in his home town since I said it was over. ***** I didn't want it to be over, he forced my hand when he said he wasn't going to change, go to MC or be intimate. It's not going to happen but I wish he would take responsibility for his part in the demise of our marriage.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

You did all you could

let him own his own emotions

deep breath....every minute if needed

I recall the not wanting to eat

I dropped 45 lbs.

lice diet plan but not what you anticipated


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> You did all you could
> 
> let him own his own emotions
> 
> ...


I have taken many deep breaths today. My H has been texting me all day about this being what I wanted. He still does not know I actually saw a lawyer. I provided him with my deepest thoughts and asked him not to respond until he has taken a good look at where he failed. I admitted to him where I failed. I don't want the divorce. I even admitted to him that I have been in counseling to make sure that I was not blowing things up to make him look like the bad guy.  I do love him but after my last marriage I will never let someone make me become a different person just to be accepted. I am who I am, warts and all. 

Let go of me eggo! I feel like I'm waffleing (sp) something terrible.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

My H has been texting me all day about this being what I wanted

He is directing his guilt onto you....Blameshifting 101


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I pretty much know that he is wanting me to say I want the divorce. A lot of pull u push me going on. I know it's a game for him to get me to make the move. I am making some good moves to protect myself. Not wanting the divorce but gut tells me that is what is happening. Lol wait til he goes to use the gas cards under my name. 

I also told him I had been talking with someone to help me deal with what is going on. In his simple brain he thought it was another man......nope a female counselor I don't cheat and certainly won't be with another man until I am divorced, not just separated. 

I know I go back and forth with my emotions right now but I know that is to be expected. Thank god I have a good support system.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Thank goodness you realized that this wont work so early into the marriage, and didnt invest years into this man. (you are wife #7??? Holy schnikeys!) I know what a kick in the ass it is to have it end so fast, but you will be better off back on your own. Stay strong.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

no matter how bad the other has been

when the one who has to end it, proceeds

they feel hurt inside, 110% normal

TAM is filled with these situations

one female's H hit sheets with her sister

and she still loves him

I will always have a place for my ex but that is it

a place.....

If you bought a $100k car and salesman said

5% of sticker info is true....would you buy it?

You owe it to yourself


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

*Re: Re: Done Deal*



Chuck71 said:


> okay
> 
> it takes two to get married
> 
> it takes two to get divorced


Actually it only takes one to end a marriage.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

If you have made your expectations for this marriage known to him and he has let you know what his expectations are to you and he is not willing to budge there isn't much more you can do. You two just are not on the same page about what you want out of your marriage. It seems the two of you are far apart on your ideas - he's not willing to change his view at this point and you aren't buying what his version of a marriage is. 

It doesn't make the decision to divorce any easier. Its going to hurt but it sounds as if you've done everything you can - what choice do you have? Don't let him blame you for this - just take care of yourself & carry on.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

MSC71 said:


> Actually it only takes one to end a marriage.


Unless one is 100% right and the other is 100% wrong

I would like to debunk that


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

*Re: Re: Done Deal*



Chuck71 said:


> Unless one is 100% right and the other is 100% wrong
> 
> I would like to debunk that


I was talking about it takes only one to end the marriage literally. I think you are saying it's always both peoples fault? Which I agree.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

OMG I think I am finally broken. I keep pacing the house crying WHY????

I did it and said I filed. He doesn't care and I am here with my heart broken into so many pieces. 

I look at myself in the mirror and just think was I ugly was I wrong, what was it about me that couldn't make this work????

I feel like my heart is ripped out and he just gets to walk away with being okay. But that's the way it s. 

I hate what I am now!! Broken, crippled and f$$$king the idiot. Strong,smart naw just a dumb one with the feelings and the hurt! 

I have asked myself over and over why am the broken one. God must not be very proud of me now. 

I will never trust again 
Twice bitten and venom is to strong to fight.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

MSC71 said:


> I was talking about it takes only one to end the marriage literally. I think you are saying it's always both peoples fault? Which I agree.


I disagree! Some times it just that one person that is at fault for the marriage to go bad! U can ask and do everything but if the other person was broken to begin with. Then it's not two people to screw up the marriage. It is only the hurting one that can't take it anymore while the other one is clapping in the back ground saying I got away with it again.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You feel like the broken one because you are the one who cared. He didnt. (doesnt) It wasnt about you not being able to make it work. You didnt stand a chance. You did the right thing by filing. You can go back to living your life back on your own terms again.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

The reality is hitting you & that's ok let it go but don't distort the reality of the situation. You did all you could short of changing who you were to make him happy and that's not acceptable. You are upset because you cared - you cared enough to try to make things work you cared enough to tell him how you felt. Do not beat yourself up over it. Its ok to be sad - you're mourning the loss of your marriage. Take this time to grieve & heal.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

facing the pain head on is the best way to go

I went through it, most everyone has

if you gave it 110% and he chose to scoff at your attempts

what else were you to do? stay? what would that get you?


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Didn't get much sleep last night. You know even with the heartache, the sun still came up this morning

Everyone at work keeps asking me what's wrong, eyes are swollen. I am thankful that I have so far had a very busy morning doing physical things.....trying to keep my mind in a good place. 

Plan on deep cleaning the house this weekend. Really shouldn't take long since it's just me and the dog, we don't make any messes. I am thankful that my daughter will be moving back in with me in a couple of weeks. She lives in IA and has to come back home to finish her student teaching so she can graduate this December. Since she has become an adult, we are now besties and I have missed her dearly this past year.

Think I am already taking a closer look at why I married such a loser......I was going to be alone for the first time in my life, no kids in the house anymore. I think I tried to fill that gap with the stbx. Until just this moment I didn't realize what I had done:slap: So in my own weak feable mind I did play a part in the demize of the marriage. WOW


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

everyone contributes something in the demise

acknowledging them is the first step to recovery


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

*Re: Re: Done Deal*



Tomara said:


> I disagree! Some times it just that one person that is at fault for the marriage to go bad! U can ask and do everything but if the other person was broken to begin with. Then it's not two people to screw up the marriage. It is only the hurting one that can't take it anymore while the other one is clapping in the back ground saying I got away with it again.


I'm talking literally in the sense that if one person wants out, there is nothing the other person can really do. The other person does not even need a reason. I see what you are Saying and I fall in to that category where the other person does nothing to try.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I know what you are saying and actually understand it. I know I have to work on me and not think about the what ifs....there aren't any left. He isolated me from friends and I have to reconnect. I have always been such a social person. 

I am sitting home tonight because I needed to have a good nights sleep before I go crazy. No sleep makes everything seem worse than it really is.

Going to check with the animal shelter here in town and see if they could use some donated time. I use to be involved and got major enjoyment working with the animals. 

Their love is unconditional. 

Things will only get better as the days go by. Wish I could go to sleep tonight and wake up a year later. Yeah yeah I can at least dream. 

Thanks everyone that have replied to my post. We are all in this...just in different stages.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I think we all wish that. We are all in this & eventually we'll all get through this and be okay.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Quick Update: Stbx is being okay about everything. Agreed to the Waiver of Service so he doesn't have to be served at work or at his father's home. All he wants is the TV and the Xbox and he will take the time share/payments. No emotion from him at all. No emotion on my side shown even with my hurt. Doesn't serve a purpose anymore. I still have this nagging question in my head....why did he marry me in the first place?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomara;3173434} I still have this nagging question in my head....why did he[B said:


> /she[/B] marry me in the first place?


That is the $64k question. I had 15 years with one.

Was it right at the time? Yes

Was it right for the future? With hindsight, no

But you never know until you try

it is better to have loved and lost

than never to have loved at all

in 1993 I would have scoffed at that

twenty years later, I admit, I was wrong,

the saying is very true


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Signed the papers 20 minutes ago. Geesh that hind site 20/20 is something else


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Tomara said:


> Signed the papers 20 minutes ago. Geesh that hind site 20/20 is something else


:toast:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Tomara said:


> Signed the papers 20 minutes ago. Geesh that hind site 20/20 is something else


now its time for you to consintrate on you. good luck. 


think of it as an adventure the world is your oyster.
and you are the pearl.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I have honestly had three loves in my life

the 1st ended in 1991, I hurt for several months

by that summer, met 2nd...ended in 1996

hurt for quite a few months...by that summer

met (ex)wife. D was final 2/1

is now summer....seeing someone and am very happy

sometimes it is not what you find for the future

but what you left behind in the past


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