# How to deal with in-laws



## HADDYNUFF (1 mo ago)

Having a hard time dealing with hubby's father who only see things his way or thinks his way is right. He's antagonistic and will argue his way about anything. My husband and I split our possessions 100%....yet he always makes a point to refer to everything as my husband's. He'll ask me if he can use Joe's lawnmower or whatever it may be....never refers to anything as ours! What is this behavior? Narcissism? It aggravates me beyond belief...I never let it show cuz I don't want to feed his fuel! How do I deal with this monster?!


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Your FIL is a chauvinist. You have to find a way to ignore him because he won't change & how he describes how a possession is owned is not, IMO, the hill to kill your marriage on. 

When you have to see him, have some self-talk before & remind yourself that he's a buffoon. When FIL asks if he can borrow your husband's whooziwatsit, smile and say "no but you can borrow our whooziwatsit." Then don't listen to any reply by FIL. Inside your head enjoy your victory. Whenever you need anything from him, ask for it as if it's your MIL's possession. Privately & quietly ask MIL how she puts up with him & how she managed to raise a son, your DH, free from that BS. 

In the end just stop caring how he says stuff. Don't take the bait when he needles you.


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## Rooster Cogburn (10 mo ago)

HADDYNUFF said:


> Having a hard time dealing with hubby's father who only see things his way or thinks his way is right. He's antagonistic and will argue his way about anything. My husband and I split our possessions 100%....yet he always makes a point to refer to everything as my husband's. He'll ask me if he can use Joe's lawnmower or whatever it may be....never refers to anything as ours! What is this behavior? Narcissism? It aggravates me beyond belief...I never let it show cuz I don't want to feed his fuel! How do I deal with this monster?!


Do you mow the lawn?

I am not sure I would be pissed if my mother-in-law came in an asked if she could use "My wifes" iron instead of "Your marriage's" Iron... or "Your couple's" Iron.... etc. 

Just sayin'


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

We had some in-law issues in our marriage. In our case it was my mom that was the problem. People like your father will never stop until you get straight in their face and let them know they are being an asshole. This type of approach is very effective but requires your husband to be on board 100%. If he is trying to play both sides then it is doomed. An outright 100% “You can go [email protected] yourself” will likely be required. Cut all contact otherwise. Grandchildren are a good with holding weapon.

It’s ugly …. But effective….one way or the other.

Important so I’ll say it again: If your husband is trying to play both sides then the situation is doomed.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

HADDYNUFF said:


> Having a hard time dealing with hubby's father


So how does the conversation go when *you and your husband* discuss this?


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## KayJC (5 mo ago)

HADDYNUFF said:


> Having a hard time dealing with hubby's father who only see things his way or thinks his way is right. He's antagonistic and will argue his way about anything. My husband and I split our possessions 100%....yet he always makes a point to refer to everything as my husband's. He'll ask me if he can use Joe's lawnmower or whatever it may be....never refers to anything as ours! What is this behavior? Narcissism? It aggravates me beyond belief...I never let it show cuz I don't want to feed his fuel! How do I deal with this monster?!


I could only wish that my in law problems had been as simple as yours. It's been a long, long time ago since my marriage some 60+ years ago. But the hurt and crises and trauma my mother in law brought to my late husband and me even before we married are as real as last week. From the get go when she found out we were dating she set out to make my life for the most part miserable. Granted she was major bi-polar and a ***** to begin with but as my late husband said more than once "she rode that as much as she could." Meaning she felt because of her insanity that she could say anything, do anything and most people would shake their heads and say "poor thing, she just can't help it." That mental problem in her mind gave her free reign to be the most vicious, cruelest, meanest person I have personally known. And it continued from the day we married until her death 26 years later. The fall out continued after her death with the hurt she was to her children. She purposely created an atmosphere of jealousy with her daughter to her brother, my husband.
Being the child of a major bi-polar, narcissistic person leaves the deepest of scars that for the most part remain years after that parent's death. 
Hitler could have taken lessons from her in cruelty.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

KayJC said:


> I could only wish that my in law problems had been as simple as yours. It's been a long, long time ago since my marriage some 60+ years ago. But the hurt and crises and trauma my mother in law brought to my late husband and me even before we married are as real as last week. From the get go when she found out we were dating she set out to make my life for the most part miserable. Granted she was major bi-polar and a *** to begin with but as my late husband said more than once "she rode that as much as she could." Meaning she felt because of her insanity that she could say anything, do anything and most people would shake their heads and say "poor thing, she just can't help it." That mental problem in her mind gave her free reign to be the most vicious, cruelest, meanest person I have personally known. And it continued from the day we married until her death 26 years later. The fall out continued after her death with the hurt she was to her children. She purposely created an atmosphere of jealousy with her daughter to her brother, my husband.
> Being the child of a major bi-polar, narcisstic person leaves the deepest of scars. That are for the most part remain years after that parent's death.


You are absolutely right. The Bible even talks about the effects on generations after. It is real.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you don't see him too often just let it wash over you and say nothing.


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## HADDYNUFF (1 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> Your FIL is a chauvinist. You have to find a way to ignore him because he won't change & how he describes how a possession is owned is not, IMO, the hill to kill your marriage on.
> 
> When you have to see him, have some self-talk before & remind yourself that he's a buffoon. When FIL asks if he can borrow your husband's whooziwatsit, smile and say "no but you can borrow our whooziwatsit." Then don't listen to any reply by FIL. Inside your head enjoy your victory. Whenever you need anything from him, ask for it as if it's your MIL's possession. Privately & quietly ask MIL how she puts up with him & how she managed to raise a son, your DH, free from that BS.
> 
> In the end just stop caring how he says stuff. Don't take the bait when he needles you.



Thanks so much. It is definitely easier said than done...but I will definitely try to acithat this is the way he is and try to let it roll off my shoulders. And praise the world my hubby is nothing like this at all!


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## HADDYNUFF (1 mo ago)

BootsAndJeans said:


> You are absolutely right. The Bible even talks about the effects on generations after. It is real.



I feel for you, that is tough. There are many more conflicts with his family for sure. Just breaking them down one by one to start.


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## HADDYNUFF (1 mo ago)

BootsAndJeans said:


> You are absolutely right. The Bible even talks about the effects on generations after. It is real.



I feel for you, that is tough. There are many more conflicts with his family for sure. Just breaking them down one by one to start


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## HADDYNUFF (1 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> So how does the conversation go when *you and your husband* discuss this?



He just says 'ya I don't get it' ....he will never confront him


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@frusdil 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

HADDYNUFF said:


> Thanks so much. It is definitely easier said than done...but I will definitely try to acithat this is the way he is and try to let it roll off my shoulders. And praise the world my hubby is nothing like this at all!


How often do you see them?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Next and every time he asks to borrow Joe’s whatever just tell him Joe doesn’t have one and would he like to borrow yours. 
Every time.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Love your name OP, my inlaws are what brought me to TAM too, hence my name Frustrated Daughter in law = Frusdil, lol.

My inlaws come from Helltown. Very similar to yours in that everything is my husbands in their eyes, not ours. I remember one incident where I had paid the bill for a meal out (ironically I did so because MIL was incredibly, atrociously rude and then brought my mum into it so I insisted we leave). when I went back to the table and told my husband our daughter and I were leaving, and that I'd paid the bill FIL grabs cash out of his wallet and goes to hand it to my husband. I intercepted and took it, saying "thanks, that's mine" and left with our daughter without saying a word, pmsl.

If they asked to borrow something, I probably wouldn't care as long as I didn't have to see them


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## HADDYNUFF (1 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> How often do you see them?


A couple times a week


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Can you dial back how often you see them? 

At minimum you have to accept that FIL won't change. Let it be enough to know he's a jerk. Do praise your DH for not being his dad.


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## HADDYNUFF (1 mo ago)

Rooster Cogburn said:


> Do you mow the lawn?
> 
> I am not sure I would be pissed if my mother-in-law came in an asked if she could use "My wifes" iron instead of "Your marriage's" Iron... or "Your couple's" Iron.... etc.
> 
> Just sayin'


It's the demeanor in which it is said. Because my husband makes more $ than me, I am being belittled and he's purposely rubbing it in my face. FIL bought the lawn mower for my husband to use at 'our' house on 'our' lawn. As a matter of fact, I cut our lawn with our lawn mower, my husband rarely does....but the issue is still that the point is always to rub it in that 'our' possessions are all belong to my husband.


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## mwise003 (1 mo ago)

You have your feelings on the matter, it personally wouldn't bother me, but then again, I'm not a woman so maybe I just don't understand. 
My FIL is one of the nicest more non-chauvinistic men I've ever met and he refers to lawn tools as mine. "Can I borrow your chainsaw" etc..

I do all the cooking in my home, but if my MIL said "Can I borrow your wife's stock pot" I wouldn't bat an eye. 
That being said, your feelings are your feelings and you're entitled to them. 

I do have some grievances with my in-laws and they live one block over so we see them a lot. I really don't think this is something worth confronting. (Pick your battles so to speak)
I would also do some introspection about why this bothers you so much. Do you deep down feel like you don't pull your weight? Do you actually have a problem with your husband making more money? It sounds like you have a great relationship with your hubby, why do other people's opinion matter?

Know that I say this from a standpoint where I can actually relate. My wife has made double my salary for the last 10yrs. (Married 23yrs) Like the lawn mower being presumed to be hubby's, most presume that I make more than my wife. So I get where you're coming from. However, my wife and I don't have a problem, so I could give two ****s what her parents or anyone else think. 

I also recommend that your air your thoughts with your hubby. In my opinion, if I have a problem with my wife's parents, it's for her to deal with and vice versa. However, I still pick my battles because I don't want to put her in an unnecessarily awkward position.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Let it go. Different generation. You may be woke and he’s not. Let it go


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

My husband makes 6x what I make and I’m a professional in education. I don’t care who makes what. Let it go. Is it really worth it?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

HADDYNUFF said:


> Having a hard time dealing with hubby's father who only see things his way or thinks his way is right. He's antagonistic and will argue his way about anything. My husband and I split our possessions 100%....yet he always makes a point to refer to everything as my husband's. He'll ask me if he can use Joe's lawnmower or whatever it may be....never refers to anything as ours! What is this behavior? Narcissism? It aggravates me beyond belief...I never let it show cuz I don't want to feed his fuel! How do I deal with this monster?!


Seriously, you call this old man a _monster_ because he refers to stuff as his son's? Isn't it his son's? Why yes it is. It is in fact his son's. True, while there may be a joint owner, how tedious to have to always name both. Barf. 

If I'm going to ask my next door neighbor to borrow their wheelbarrow I'm not going to go through the tedium of naming them both. 

He's a different generation, let it go.


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## HADDYNUFF (1 mo ago)

Thanks for your thoughts. I quit my job to stay at home with our two kids....so I often feel less adiquite, so to speak...then his father makes those comments in a way(I guess you just have to know his mentality), and unfortunately I let it get to me. I have talked to hubby, yes, and ge doesn't know why his father is this way. And I of course don't want to push him into an awkward situation...that's why Im just looking for outside thought here, I guess.


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## mwise003 (1 mo ago)

HADDYNUFF said:


> Thanks for your thoughts. I quit my job to stay at home with our two kids....so I often feel less adiquite, so to speak...then his father makes those comments in a way(I guess you just have to know his mentality), and unfortunately I let it get to me. I have talked to hubby, yes, and ge doesn't know why his father is this way. And I of course don't want to push him into an awkward situation...that's why Im just looking for outside thought here, I guess.


SAHM is a very important role within the family,. I can promise you're doing just as much for your family staying home with the kids as your husband is.
This explains why it bothers you so much for sure. You just have to take pride in what you do for your family. Don't let women or men minimize your contribution to the home. 
I think once you realize that you staying at home IS important and hopefully valued by your spouse and kids, these little things like from the FIL won't bother you as much.


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## Rooster Cogburn (10 mo ago)

HADDYNUFF said:


> It's the demeanor in which it is said. Because my husband makes more $ than me, I am being belittled and he's purposely rubbing it in my face. FIL bought the lawn mower for my husband to use at 'our' house on 'our' lawn. As a matter of fact, I cut our lawn with our lawn mower, my husband rarely does....but the issue is still that the point is always to rub it in that 'our' possessions are all belong to my husband.


I see your point then. 

Your other half needs to step up then.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

HADDYNUFF said:


> Thanks for your thoughts. I quit my job to stay at home with our two kids....so I often feel less adiquite, so to speak.


Are you kidding? Raising your children and loving them is the most important job in the world. Don't you dare let anyone make you feel inadequate because of this. Your children are being loved instead of being warehoused in daycare and being raised by someone who doesn't care about them. Good for you and good for your husband for working hard so that you two can do this.


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