# Still struggling(an update)



## Gfxbss (Dec 24, 2010)

Hey guys,

Sorry if this ends up being another long update.

Unfortunately, we still haven't shaken the OM. My SO's company has been bought out. The OM was let go. My SO may or may not have a job.... only time will tell. Needless to say, this impairs our plans to move back in together.

What the struggle is, is the fact that she for some reason still wants to be friends with him. Not hang out or anything, but she somehow thinks that it is acceptable that they be cordial with each other.

How can she think that this is acceptable?!?! She says that she is all in, but this just doesn't seem like it to me. I am fine with her talking from time to time with exes.... That is one thing, but I am not alright wither her talking from time to time with someone that she cheated on me with. 

She says that she feels like I am controlling her. I don't want to control her. I have never been a controlling person. But how can I get her to understand that her friendship with this guy is not alright, without telling her what to do?

Things are coming to the point when I wash my hands of the situation. I love her and our daughter with my entire heart, but there has to be a certain point where too much damage has been done. She knows how I feel, and I feel like she is ignoring that...

With this lone exception, we are doing very well. Better than we have in a long time. It just eats at me.....

Thanks guys and gals,

Gfx


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

That's a big one - wanting to be "friends" with the OM is just unacceptable and you need to let her know that. It's classic "rug sweeping" where she is just minimizing the affair and the damage that it caused to suit her self. You are not the controlling one in this situation - she is. She is setting the tone for the reconciliation and has apparently put her "friendship" with the OM over and above her willingness to do what it takes to fix the situation at home. I have to go back to what lots of wise posters say in that reconciliation is a gift that you give to the WS. If she doesn't want to see it that way and do whatever it takes, you have to draw the line in the sand. It is very disrespectful and hurtful for her to have anything further to do with him. If she doesn't see that and isn't willing to change it, you have a decision to make.


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## Gfxbss (Dec 24, 2010)

She is aware of how much it upsets me. It is hard for me to understand how she could possibly ever want to hear from him again. He has demeaned her and harassed her for a couple of months now. It got to the point where we had to file a police report.... She will be furious with him for a couple of days, then it will all blow over...

Maybe I'm projecting her issues a bit here, but I think that part of it comes down to watching how her mother handles things. Her mother has been in a bad marriage for years. Her husband(my SO's step father) has been verbally abusive to everyone and physically abusive on a couple of occasions to one of my SO's brothers. They are separated, but she just wont follow through with the divorce...

It takes A LOT to get me angry, but when I do, I hold on to it. It certainly doesn't blow over in a couple of days....

Gfx


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

It's not controlling if you leave it up to her to make the decision. For instance, I told my wife that I wasn't comfortable with her talking with the OM and pretty much said I wasn't going to put up with it and left her with the decision. She could have continued talking to him and I would have made the decision to leave, but she said that she wouldn't talk to him anymore, that was her decision not mine.

So set your W up to make decisions on her own, and you have to decide on what your going to do if she does the opposite of what you need to make your marriage work. Leave it all up to her. Remember to use phrases like "I feel" or "it feels like".


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Her issues don't matter in this case, yours do. You need to decide if you can live with that, if you CAN'T, then the conversation is simple:

I will not reconcile with you if you have any contact with the other man. I'll respect your decision, however, I need an immediate answer. If you choose to stay in contact I'm filing for divorce.

How tough are you willing to be?


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Also, you WERE never controlling before as you said. Its HER actions that put you guys where you are today and remember your not controlling her life, your controlling your own.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

it isn't an issue of control. It's an issue about whether your wife, who disrespected you already, is ready to respect your wishes and not have contact with the other guy.

In my opinion, continued contact is reason for you to leave. Simple as that. otherwise you will never get respect from her.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Here is a thread from twotime, read it over, he has really great advice. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/22586-how-handle-affair-week-1-a.html


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## Gfxbss (Dec 24, 2010)

I suppose that I should add that she isn't contacting him. He calls her constantly and leaves voice mails constantly. I have gotten to go through with blocking his numbers as of this evening, I am just worried that he is going to find other numbers to call her from....

Thanks for your input guys,

Gfx


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Gfxbss said:


> I suppose that I should add that she isn't contacting him. He calls her constantly and leaves voice mails constantly. I have gotten to go through with blocking his numbers as of this evening, I am just worried that he is going to find other numbers to call her from....
> 
> Thanks for your input guys,
> 
> Gfx


Nice! Most people are to afraid to block someones number because they are worried their spouse will find out and get pissed. Does your wife know that you blocked it? Also do you know of any other way that he tried to communicate with her? E-mails, IM, facebook ect.

He probably will try to contact her from another number, just pay attention to your call log online if you can. I have AT&T and its updated with the information about every 1 hour to 2 hours. So if you see a number you don't notice with a lot of minutes or more minutes than usual, then I would expect that its him. Might confront your wife and ask her whos number it is first and then block it.

Does he know where you live?


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

> With this lone exception, we are doing very well. Better than we have in a long time. It just eats at me.


You are NOT doing well at all. This ONE exception should be a deal breaker. IMO, you are being WAY too soft on her.

She is disrespecting and humiliating you.

Tell her in no uncertain terms, it's either YOU or the HIGHWAY.


Do you see a coincidence.....she wants to remain friends...and OM continues to contact!!!!!!

The fact that you are so soft on this matter.....is precisely why she continues to abuse you.

I would NEVER in a million years tolerate this bull****.

When I discovered her affair, I smacked her and showed her extreme potential danger.

Some of the other things I did:

Urinated on her Emelda Marcos-like shoe collection
Barbequed her bras and panties on the grill
Smashed her cell phone with a hammer (yelling "you sick ****ing *****" with each hammer blow)
Called OM and called him a POS and there would be 'consequences'
Went to the police and filed a 'no contact order'
Broke house windows
Beat my hands bloody on a heavy bag

I would not necessarily recommend my method to you....but I assure you....there was NO ****ING WAY she would have made or received contact after my antics.

Basically, I scared the living **** out of her...FEAR is what stopped her.....IMMEDIATELY AND PERMANENTLY.

If you are an open-minded wuss, she will walk all over you.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I like all what you did except the breaking house windows, (cuz then you have to fix them lol.) the peeing in the shoes cracked me up bad. I hope you meant smack by not an actual physical smack.


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## Gfxbss (Dec 24, 2010)

SHE blocked his numbers, sorry if I wasn't clear about that.

To our knowledge, he doesn't know where she lives. Also, he doesn't have the internet so there is nothing other than phone contact.

Bluesky,

I assure you, this is a deal breaker. That being said, I have no interest in forcing this issue by fear, humiliation or any other form of manipulation. Maybe I am being too soft, but this is her choice. I have no interest in being with someone who doesn't choose to be with me.

Gfx


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