# My wife wants an open marriage and I dont



## xerxes1974 (Apr 26, 2017)

First time posting on this site.

I have been married for 17 years and the last few years have been challenging. We really grew apart. In November my wife told me that she was leaving me. I begged her to stay and she did. Since then she confessed that she developed feelings for another man and was interested in us opening our marriage so that she can have some type of relationship with him. She claims that she loves me and wants to stay married to me but that she no longer feels any romantic feelings towards me. She wants the freedom to explore romantic emotions with this man and others. 

The funny thing is that since confessing this to me, our relationship has grown closer than it ever has, more intimate and we have been having more passionate sex than we have had in many, many years. She claims that she feels closer to me because I am giving her freedom from what she felt was a constricting relationship. This confuses me.

I love my wife and I also still some type of romantic feelings for her. I want to stay in our marriage (we have three kids 14, 10, 8) but I would prefer monogamy. She told me that the only way she can stay married to me is to open things up a bit. I agreed to gift her 4x year overseas trip with freedom to do what she wants with this particular man and anyone else. As long as it is far away from me, from our home, I feel a bit safer about it. 

Truth be told, I am uncomfortable about this and I wonder how this will impact our relationship moving forward. I feel pressured into this but at the same time, I dont want to end our marriage over this issue that may be temporary (wishful thinking?). But I am starting to resent her a bit and I am thinking about this all the time. Sex to me is more than a physical act and the idea that she will be experiencing emotional and physical intimacy with others is troubling to me.

If anyone has any experience with this or has anything constructive to say, I would appreciate hearing about it.

Thanks!


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## goingsolo12 (Mar 26, 2017)

@xerxes1974

Be warned, you are opening Pandora's box here, you will resent her even more after she starts doing this.

She is disrespecting you, she is using the threat of divorce to get what she wants. Ultimately what is she getting is sex with another man, a romantic holiday away from home while you slog with the kids and then she gets to come back and cuddle what you as if nothing has happened. 

What are you getting in return? Emotional stress, constant worry,extra responsibility with the kids while she lets another man do whatever he wants with her.Believe me when i say you will start getting constant mind movies about her being with the other man, this will eat you up, your resentment will grow and it will have an impact on your health and happiness.

She is using your love for her to get what you want, you cannot let this happen, this will hurt you and your kids because this will have an impact on your health and mindset and ultimately affect your ability to be a good father.

Do you really want to be a woman who says she has no romantic feelings for you? 
If you are not the number one priority in a relationship with your wife its better you divorce and find someone who truly loves and respects you. Your wife does not respect you, you are not her priority anymore and she is not seeing how this would impact the kids, this is utterly selfish of her.

Its time you became selfish too, tell her you are not comfortable and its better to get separated if she is unwilling to make you the number one priority in your life.

Please tell her you are not okay with this

All the best.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

xerxes1974 said:


> First time posting on this site.
> 
> I have been married for 17 years and the last few years have been challenging. We really grew apart. In November my wife told me that she was leaving me. I begged her to stay and she did. Since then she confessed that she developed feelings for another man and was interested in us opening our marriage so that she can have some type of relationship with him. She claims that she loves me and wants to stay married to me but that she no longer feels any romantic feelings towards me. She wants the freedom to explore romantic emotions with this man and others.
> 
> ...


*Sounds like the perfect recipe for becoming a cuckold!

She needs to know that the price sticker for shagging with other men while trampling on your marriage vows has a damned-near insurmountable price: divorce, being evicted from the house, skyrocketing legal fees of $350-500 per hour, possible loss of her share of the community assets, common knowledge around the extended community of family and friends that she is one step removed from being a prostitute, long-term child support payments, loss of unsupervised child visitation privileges by some unsympathetic family court judge who doesn't view societal norms much as she does, grueling public cross-examination by your family law attorney that becomes part of the record, and in particular having to answer the very pointed question of "how her actions of rolling other men's bones comes to actually benefit the children borne of her marriage!" Certainly not by becoming a walking-talking-breathing crab cultivation farm!

If you wish to keep her under the horrific conditions of her terms, then there's not only something inherently wrong with her, but also with you! 

Notwithstanding, If she is still agreeable to those terms, then lose her! Then find yourself a good piranha family law attorney to represent both your and your children's best interests!

On second thought, just do yourself a favor and lose her anyway!

At least for the kids sake!*


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

First off, you have already lost the game. You begged and pleaded for her to stay. You should have stood firm on your belief. 

Secondly, open marriages hardly ever work and never works when the one wanting it is ready to leave. This was never a joint discussion. She had already found someone she cared for more then you. 

Third, you gave her permission to do this so it is not cheating. You should have posted this in general. 

Best advice is to stop. Read No More Mr Nice Guy. Contact a lawyer and separate finance. Get your ducks in a row then talk with her. Do not beg her to stay. She has already told you that she is not in love with you. What else are you waiting for? For her to actually choose someone else and just leave. This will happen. 

Are you allowed to go **** someone else as well?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

This is not a open marriage your being cockolded.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

Open marriages (as well as closed ones) only work if both parties want to have this kind of relationship and adhere to the set boundaries. Changes by one side that are not wanted by the other are just a recipe for desaster. It's unlikely that she will see this guy only on these vacations. She uses your love for her to hurt you. That's not love and it's not a real open marriage. It's a form of abuse. Don't be in an abusive relationship and don't subject your children to one.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She is giving you more sex to keep you pacified and docile until she divorces you changes the locks and so on.

See a lawyer.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

If you allow this will destroy you both Emotionally and your integrity by a thousand cuts. Time to do the 180,

Separate finances
See an Attorney
Document that you are the Caregiver for your children

If you don't you will be miserable because you waited


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

rzmpf said:


> Open marriages (as well as closed ones) only work if both parties want to have this kind of relationship and adhere to the set boundaries. Changes by one side that are not wanted by the other are just a recipe for desaster. It's unlikely that she will see this guy only on these vacations. *She uses your love for her to hurt you.* That's not love and it's not a real open marriage. It's a form of abuse. Don't be in an abusive relationship and don't subject your children to one.


*Commonly referred to as "abusive manipulation!"*


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

One more thing. You could never have stopped this. If you said no, she would have gone behind your back as another wife had done.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@xerxes1974, do you have any religious authority figures in your life who could intervene? Pastors, priests, vicars, etc?

Have you considered counselling?

Ask her if she realises that she is disrespecting her own children?

Also, establish if this is a true open relationship? For example, would her boyfriend be willing to swap partners with his wife or girlfriend?

If your wife says no, then you should point out that he obviously has feelings towards his wife/girlfriend that he doesn't have toward your wife. She is obviously only a piece of tail, not someone he respects and has feelings for.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
As long as your W has these feelings your marriage is already over. Open marriages only work when there is a very strong bond between spouses. You do not have this. In essence what you are doing is allowing her to experiment until she finds what she (think she) wants and leaves. In the process you are overcome with angst and pain and get a front row seat to her "shopping" for another man, is it really worth it? Would it not be more prudent to find a woman that feels for you as you would her? If there is any chance of reaching her you must stand up and be the man you are, not the doormat she sees you as.

If she wants to leave wish her a nice life and show her the door. Simply tell her that just like she is unable to live in this "confining" relationship, you are unable to accept an open one. If you allow this you are merely forestalling the inevitable and adding pain and heartache to the process as you watch your wife date. I strongly advise against it.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

xerxes1974 said:


> First time posting on this site.
> 
> I have been married for 17 years and the last few years have been challenging. We really grew apart. In November my wife told me that she was leaving me. I begged her to stay and she did. Since then she confessed that she developed feelings for another man and was interested in us opening our marriage so that she can have some type of relationship with him. She claims that she loves me and wants to stay married to me but that she no longer feels any romantic feelings towards me. She wants the freedom to explore romantic emotions with this man and others.
> 
> ...



when a spouse comes and wants an open marriage, they are violating the conditions of which they married you under.

Further, it indicates that they want to cheat, that they probably have someone lined up and the second that you agree, poof, they have an instant boyfriend/girlfriend and they are getting laid as soon as that day while you search for some or have to undertake the risk of online hookups in order to get equal 'satisfaction'.

In other words, man, your wife is cheating on you. Is she really worth the effort ?

If you put another woman's perfume on you tonight and walked in the door, or got another woman to go along with it and made pretend that you were having sex and butt dialed her, how would she react ?

She asked for this because she has something in the wings. If the next door neighbor was interested in you and all you had to do was snek next door while she had to look from scrtach, how would she react ?

I am VERY ANTI-OPEN MARRIAGE. I hate the concept.

If it came down to me, the day my wife would ever suggest that to me is the day I hop on the phone to a shark of a divorce attorney I know and file. I would try to make it amicable but she would be done. Even if she backed off of it, her mind would still be on opportunities.

Why don't you end this marriage ?What is your cost assessment in divorcing ?


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## Kerf (Apr 22, 2017)

*Her way or the highway,* does not make for a healthy marriage.Especially in extremely delicate situation like the one you find yourself in.Her feelings for that guy she told you about may become even stronger and make her leave you anyway.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

xerxes1974 said:


> First time posting on this site.
> 
> I have been married for 17 years and the last few years have been challenging. We really grew apart. In November my wife told me that she was leaving me. I begged her to stay and she did. Since then she confessed that she developed feelings for another man and was interested in us opening our marriage so that she can have some type of relationship with him. She claims that she loves me and wants to stay married to me but that she no longer feels any romantic feelings towards me. She wants the freedom to explore romantic emotions with this man and others.
> 
> ...


I am still troubled by how you agreed to this and to cuckold yourself in order to stay with a woman who uses the threat of divorce in order to allow her to bed other men. Yes, at least it's not right under your nose but if you have to allow her to have other men in order to prevent a divorce, then what good is your marriage and where do your rights come into this ? It's her changing the rules.

So she bestows upon you the responsibility of a family (not saying that a family is bad or that it wasn't your decision too) and then wants this ?

Further, temporary ? No, once she starts eating Basking Robbins ice cream, she's not going back to store brand or at least enthusiastically. Further, you know nothing of these other men and may be endangering yourself and your kids. Finally, what happens in 10 years when your youngest goes off to college ? Then you are left at home thinking about your wife when she's overseas bedding anothe r man or leaving you in the dust. 

What happens when she finds a guy in your home town ?

I would suggest you tell her that this arrangement is over and if she can't handle the commitments of your marriage, then let's end it amicably.

You are giving away for free (monogamy) what many of us on this board wanted and couldn't get even though we were deserving of it


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> As long as your W has these feelings your marriage is already over. Open marriages only work when there is a very strong bond between spouses. You do not have this. In essence what you are doing is allowing her to experiment until she finds what she (think she) wants and leaves. In the process you are overcome with angst and pain and get a front row seat to her "shopping" for another man, is it really worth it? Would it not be more prudent to find a woman that feels for you as you would her? If there is any chance of reaching her you must stand up and be the man you are, not the doormat she sees you as.
> 
> If she wants to leave wish her a nice life and show her the door. Simply tell her that just like she is unable to live in this "confining" relationship, you are unable to accept an open one. If you allow this you are merely forestalling the inevitable and adding pain and heartache to the process as you watch your wife date. I strongly advise against it.


and even if there was a very strong bond between spouses, then why would they want to go outside the marriage anyway if they were that close ? They wouldn't. Further, they would only be using and disrespecting others as sex toys. My point here OP is that if you think you had a strong bond, which you didn't, it is more the reason to reject such a concept


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> and even if there was a very strong bond between spouses, then why would they want to go outside the marriage anyway if they were that close ? *They wouldn't. Further, they would only be using and disrespecting others as sex toys.* My point here OP is that if you think you had a strong bond, which you didn't, it is more the reason to reject such a concept


We've been open for 17 years, and I can tell you that the bolded part is a myth, and untrue, and it's untrue for other couples we know in open relationships. Of course, TAM members are mostly very traditional in their thinking about marriage, so you will mostly get negative opinions here - and for most situations, those opinions are right. They probably are for your situation as well, but there is some ambiguity that needs to be clarified here.

Generally, though, these only work if there is a very strong bond. Clearly you did not have that, as you say things got a lot better once this idea was floated. Now, sometimes that does happen, the bond improves, and the relationship does overall as well. For some, it actually improves a relationship that has gotten in a rut - but, be very careful with this.

The problem here is that you aren't comfortable with it, but are agreeing anyway. Do you intend that this will be a one-sided freedom, or will you also participate? You may not have much to lose, though. If your wife was considering leaving without this option, then opening things up has already improved things. Now, it's whether you can live with it, find a lover of your own if you want, and it works out for you both - or it blows up. You've opened the door, though. It's going to be almost impossible to shut it, but if you can't accept this, you'll have to try.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Is your main job to keep funding the household while she explores polyamory? To keep the home fires burning, providing stability for the kids?

And for this you are allowed to stay married to her, and to see your children every day?

I certainly understand the desire to be with your children every day. Not seeing them every day has to be one of the most painful things about divorce. 

I do wonder what effect accepting or participating in polyamory has on children, though. 

I don't know, OP. The whole thing looks unstable and risky to me. No wonder you are feeling resentful.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Is it open marriage season on this board lately? 

OP, there's not much I can add to the already sage advice here. Your wife is playing you so that she can eat the maximum amount of cake. I do hope for your sake that you learn to love yourself more and accept no less than a woman who is dying to be with only you.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> We've been open for 17 years, and I can tell you that the bolded part is a myth, and untrue, and it's untrue for other couples we know in open relationships. Of course, TAM members are mostly very traditional in their thinking about marriage, so you will mostly get negative opinions here - and for most situations, those opinions are right. They probably are for your situation as well, but there is some ambiguity that needs to be clarified here.
> 
> Generally, though, these only work if there is a very strong bond. Clearly you did not have that, as you say things got a lot better once this idea was floated. Now, sometimes that does happen, the bond improves, and the relationship does overall as well. For some, it actually improves a relationship that has gotten in a rut - but, be very careful with this.
> 
> The problem here is that you aren't comfortable with it, but are agreeing anyway. Do you intend that this will be a one-sided freedom, or will you also participate? You may not have much to lose, though. If your wife was considering leaving without this option, then opening things up has already improved things. Now, it's whether you can live with it, find a lover of your own if you want, and it works out for you both - or it blows up. You've opened the door, though. It's going to be almost impossible to shut it, but if you can't accept this, you'll have to try.



MBH, you and I have disagreed on this subject from the very beginning and always will. It now sounds like you are projecting your values on this guy as I was mine. Fair enough. However, such open arrangements rarely work, in this case it would be under the umbrella of a threat. I stand by the bolded part of my statement and every single last open marriage that I have witnessed in my life, including the only surviving one as of our last argument months ago, have failed and miserably. This is the reason why less than 1-6% of the marriages in this country are in such an arrangement.

However, if you want to look at your wife in 10 years when your kids are all in college and anticipating the rest of your life with her, look into her eyes and think about how many men have had their junk in her face. Where do you rank ? Is she always thinking about you ? How many 'boundaries' has she broken ? What disease does she have ? Did you influence your kids away from monogamy ? What is your reputation going to be like ? If it's not your values now, it won't be then either. Unless you break just like she did. If she is giving you more sex because you are allowing her to fvck other men, then why was she withholding from you in the first place rather than trying to grow more intimate with you ? What does that say about her ? What does that say about you ?

Xerxes, you need to stop keeping her open marriage as a possibility. End it or you will ultimately be in a courtroom anyway, just simply more broken than you are now


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Open Marriage = Very Bad Idea

If your wife doesn't love you enough to be committed to you, she's not worth having. Since she opened her mouth and seriously suggested the open marriage, you now have enough information to know that she doesn't feel strongly about you and wants others more than you. You may be OK with this, or maybe not. But in the end, if you stay, it's on you.

The flipside of opposing her request is you doing your best to meet her physical needs. Assuming you've done your part, the open marriage shouldn't be an option. Why have you even tolerated this? It's more disrespectful to you than to anyone else!

What does mom's flings with people other than dad teach the kids? Think about this. 

If you let her open relationship become more than it is, it's likely the kids will find out (e.g. inform them why a stranger is hanging out with mom) and the ensuing conversation is bound to warp their understanding of what "normal" is in a relationship. This is very bad for them, too. 

Tread very very carefully. Good luck!


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

There are a few TAM members who have done this or continue to do so.

None under this set of circumstances, that I'm aware of.

If you're exploring this as a couple, that's one thing. Maybe a swingers club, just to watch at first. The whole idea has to be of interest to both of you.

Maybe look into a club near you and go watch. See if it interests you. Look at how the couples act - do they split up and have separate fun? Do they play together? Do they all seem to enjoy things? Can you talk to some and see what they think of it?

I suspect your W might be turned off by swinging and really just wants to move on to a new man

Personally, based on what you wrote, I think you already know you don't want this. If that's the case, it's time to adjust your thinking. Look back and be joyful and thankful for 17 years and 3 kids. That's something worth feeling good about. Then realize this relationship has outlived you both and you should be thinking about the next 17 years. 

In any event, get to the gym, buy a new wardrobe, get some new cologne. Fake happiness and start the 180 (someone her can post a link). I believe this is the best chance you have for your happiness. If you detach and start to make yourself independent, strong and attractive, one of two things will happen - you will actually start to see a future of happiness with someone new because you find your self worth, or your w will start to see you move on, realize your worth, and start to think about what shes about to lose


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I can see your wife has the utmost respect for you and your marriage. I can't blame her for the arrangement you agreed to; room and board in a family setting, presentation of herself as an honorable wifey character, et cetera, in trade for holding her nose and cutting you in for a little poon tang every so often. If it were me and willing to go that route with a woman, I'd cut her loose and run me an add on Craigslist offer a chick such remuneration in trade. I'd bet you'd get any number of responses. Real men don't willingly permit other men to bang their wives. Perhaps that's why she's looking to replace what she inherently knows she missing in a spouse.

I havent done this in a while but you get this month trophy:


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

xerxes1974 said:


> In November my wife told me that she was leaving me. I begged her to stay and she did. Since then she confessed that she developed feelings for another man and was interested in us opening our marriage so that she can have some type of relationship with him.





xerxes1974 said:


> I want to stay in our marriage (we have three kids 14, 10, 8) but I would prefer monogamy. She told me that the only way she can stay married to me is to open things up a bit. I agreed to gift her 4x year overseas trip with freedom to do what she wants with this particular man and anyone else. As long as it is far away from me, from our home, I feel a bit safer about it.


 You do know that by the time that your wife asked you for a divorce it was because she was already cheating with the other man (OM), and that no matter what she promises you about only having sex with him 4 times a year overseas, that once open she will consider time and place a technicality that humors you, as she secretly has sex with the OM when and where they want?

Do not do this. Tell her that you do not agree with an open marriage, that you realized that she has already been cheating on you with the OM, and that you want an immediate divorce.


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## JayOwen (Oct 26, 2016)

ABHale said:


> One more thing. You could never have stopped this. If you said no, she would have gone behind your back as another wife had done.


 @xerxes1974 That would likely be my wife @ABHale is referring to.

Similar question proposed to me -- difference being that I did not agree to the open marriage. It didn't stop her though (just 24 hours later). In my experience, I would not trust anything your wife is saying, even if she truly believes she just wants "freedom" that is just an indication she's lying to herself as much as she is to you.

She doesn't want freedom, she wants the security of a marriage to you and the companionship and thrill of a new lover. It's not "just sex" -- especially since she picked out this guy in advance. He's her boyfriend. And there's no way it's being limited to 4 times a year. Maybe four times a year they see each other, but they're texting, sexting, and probably meeting up on the side anyway. F*ck that noise.

What she's doing is abusing you. Just because she "asked" (threatened) doesn't make it okay. File for divorce and let that be her wake up call. Regain some of the control in this relationship at the least -- even if it's impossible to recover you'll at least know that you did something on your own terms. Get angry! You gave her your life and this is what she gives back to you in return?

Don't tell yourself you're okay with it, you know you're not.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> She is giving you more sex to keep you pacified and docile until she divorces you changes the locks and so on.
> 
> See a lawyer.


Or simply uses the OP as stability and a paycheck. Cake eaters....gotta love'em.


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## Puny_T-Rex_Arms (Apr 20, 2017)

> I have been married for 17 years and the last few years have been challenging. We really grew apart. In November my wife told me that she was leaving me. I begged her to stay and she did. Since then she confessed that she developed feelings for another man and was interested in us opening our marriage so that she can have some type of relationship with him. She claims that she loves me and wants to stay married to me but that she no longer feels any romantic feelings towards me. She wants the freedom to explore romantic emotions with this man and others.


It's very likely the "claim" that she makes is true: she *does* love you, but (I suspect) just doesn't want to have sex with you anymore (or less). That's understandable, because love and sex are mutually exclusive concepts. I've noticed you like the word _romantic_. That's fine, but be warned that romanticism is pretty dangerous and often very destructive.



> The funny thing is that since confessing this to me, our relationship has grown closer than it ever has, more intimate and we have been having more passionate sex than we have had in many, many years. She claims that she feels closer to me because I am giving her freedom from what she felt was a constricting relationship. This confuses me.


All relationships are restrictive, otherwise they wouldn't be relationships. What you describe makes sense because she feels freedom for probably the first time in many years. What you're observing there might be called _contentment_.



> I love my wife and I also still some type of romantic feelings for her. I want to stay in our marriage (we have three kids 14, 10, 8) but I would prefer monogamy. She told me that the only way she can stay married to me is to open things up a bit. I agreed to gift her 4x year overseas trip with freedom to do what she wants with this particular man and anyone else. As long as it is far away from me, from our home, I feel a bit safer about it.


I love my wife too: Her happiness is essential to my happiness. But that doesn't mean I like having sex with her, which I haven't been able to do for about 2 years now. She has issues. Marriage is a social structure that benefits the many, not the few, and should therefore be protected. You'll read a lot of bad "advice" on this forum: DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! Don't do that. We live a marriage/divorce happy culture. It's stressful, destructive, and expensive. On monogamy, you may not have a choice, sorry. Monogamy (and marriage) is a human invention, and is therefore artificial. It goes against 8 millions years of human instinct, which explains a lot of what you see in human society. You need to craft your strategy very carefully here. Don't fuel her activity, but then again don't participate. Go for very clear rules.



> Truth be told, I am uncomfortable about this and I wonder how this will impact our relationship moving forward. I feel pressured into this but at the same time, I dont want to end our marriage over this issue that may be temporary (wishful thinking?). But I am starting to resent her a bit and I am thinking about this all the time. Sex to me is more than a physical act and the idea that she will be experiencing emotional and physical intimacy with others is troubling to me.


Your discomfort is understandable. Also, I don't think it will be short-term. That's how people are ... they change. I agree with your thinking: *protect your marriage*. Adapt the relationship within your marriage. _Adapt or perish._ Sex is an emotional thing for me as well. But it is also a social activity, or else masturbation would be enough for everyone, which it's not. I guess your wife would like to be social.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

_anonymous_ said:


> Open Marriage = Very Bad Idea
> 
> If your wife doesn't love you enough to be committed to you, she's not worth having. Since she opened her mouth and seriously suggested the open marriage, you now have enough information to know that she doesn't feel strongly about you and wants others more than you. You may be OK with this, or maybe not. But in the end, if you stay, it's on you.
> 
> ...



Amen !!!!


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

VladDracul said:


> I can see your wife has the utmost respect for you and your marriage. I can't blame her for the arrangement you agreed to; room and board in a family setting, presentation of herself as an honorable wifey character, et cetera, in trade for holding her nose and cutting you in for a little poon tang every so often. If it were me and willing to go that route with a woman, I'd cut her loose and run me an add on Craigslist offer a chick such remuneration in trade. I'd bet you'd get any number of responses. Real men don't willingly permit other men to bang their wives. Perhaps that's why she's looking to replace what she inherently knows she missing in a spouse.
> 
> I havent done this in a while but you get this month trophy:


agreed Vlad. Wholeheartedly !!!! OP, listen to Vlad. Man up and either take your marriage back and stop her plans or go into the abyss that is known as open marriage and live life on $hitty terms


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

TRy said:


> You do know that by the time that your wife asked you for a divorce it was because she was already cheating with the other man (OM), and that no matter what she promises you about only having sex with him 4 times a year overseas, that once open she will consider time and place a technicality that humors you, as she secretly has sex with the OM when and where they want?
> 
> Do not do this. Tell her that you do not agree with an open marriage, that you realized that she has already been cheating on you with the OM, and that you want an immediate divorce.


exactly !!


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

JayOwen said:


> @xerxes1974 That would likely be my wife @ABHale is referring to.
> 
> Similar question proposed to me -- difference being that I did not agree to the open marriage. It didn't stop her though (just 24 hours later). In my experience, I would not trust anything your wife is saying, even if she truly believes she just wants "freedom" that is just an indication she's lying to herself as much as she is to you.
> 
> ...



this is a very powerful post by Jay. I agree with 100% of it. Heed his advice OP


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Open marriage isn't a bad idea for a marriage. _It's not marriage._ It's having a live-in "friend with benefits". 

OP you're not even talking about a live-in friend with benefits. You're talking about being a cuckold. Sitting around, taking care of everything while your wife goes off to sleep with other men.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

JayOwen said:


> @xerxes1974 That would likely be my wife @ABHale is referring to.
> 
> Similar question proposed to me -- difference being that I did not agree to the open marriage. It didn't stop her though (just 24 hours later). In my experience, I would not trust anything your wife is saying, even if she truly believes she just wants "freedom" that is just an indication she's lying to herself as much as she is to you.
> 
> ...


in other words, she's a spoiled brat. and you _really_ want that?


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

As so many others have already said, this is fraught with hazard.

I'm not against open marriage or for it for that matter, I believe that is a decision people have to make on their own and each case has to be evaluated on its own merit. Only you and your wife know your relationship well enough to know if it is the right solution for you.

The one thing I will say is that anybody I've ever spoken to about open marriages has said the same thing, you need to have a really strong marriage to survive opening it and it needs to be what you both want. Open marriages can work and they can make a marriage better in some cases but the marriage needs to be strong to start, if you open a marriage that already has troubles it will make those troubles far worse and will destroy the relationship.

So if your relationship is not in a good spot now is not the time to open it. Opening a marriage requires trust, commitment and above all fantastic communication. if there are any weaknesses in the marriage opening it will exploit those weaknesses and it will be doomed. I encourage you to do a lot of reading and a lot of homework, both of you need to totally understand what is involved otherwise, save yourself a lot of pain and just start with the divorce. 

Opening a troubled marriage will end in divorce but there will be the added bonus of years of pain and suffering watching your wife fool around right under your nose with every guy that turns her head. it will destroy you as a person watching the person you love devalue herself, her marriage and her family. honestly you are better off ripping off the band aid and skipping over the years of torture.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Another thought on the OP's particular situation:

This isn't a situation where you both agree. This is a situation of coercion. "Either let me go screw my lover or I'm going to divorce you and do it anyway." She is currently having lots of sex with you because she likes that you did this. As her connection deepens with this guy, and she bonds with him, she is going to cut you off. Mark my words. Then she'll divorce your ass anyways. Or you'll just end up as roommates with nothing in common.

You are letting her walk all over you. And no woman respects a man who does that. Nor do they respect a man who sits idly by and twiddles his fingers while some other guy is screwing her. 

But the real questions you should ask yourself are:
1. Is it worth delaying the inevitable? You may have a few years by sticking this out... Or less... hard to say. And I mean that question sincerely, perhaps you need time to prep for it. Perhaps it's worth keeping things together for a little longer for the kids, in your eyes. Perhaps not. (if you have kids) Perhaps it's worth it financially to wait. Perhaps not.
2. Are you willing and capable of finding someone else to do to her what she is doing to you? Because if you don't, I guarantee the resentment and lack of self-respect is going to cause a lot of pain.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Puny_T-Rex_Arms said:


> That's understandable, because love and sex are mutually exclusive concepts.
> 
> In the words of Billy Gates, "that's the stupid thing I've ever heard" Show me a woman that loves husband and I'll show you woman that wants to sleep with him. The only thing mutually exclusive is a woman's high romantic interest in her spouse and her desire to sleep with other guys (in the vast majority of cases). Of course if you can get some of the women on the this site to support your concept, I'll say I may be wrong.
> 
> ...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Divorce her. This is sick.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I am going to provide you some links about non monogamy. As you discovered, even just talking about it will have positive results, something I have tried to let others understand you can benefit by just discussing it. My wife and I were in an ethical open marriage. It is not as horrible as some think. In our 44 years of marriage we had only 10 other sex partners and most of those we shared. We chose our marriage over monogamy. 50% who marry get divorced and yet rather go down with the ship then change boats. That is really crazy when you think about it. Monogamy is a societal structure, it is not natural and hence all the problems we read about here and elsewhere. We are going against our genetic coding.

In our case it was I who wanted the open marriage but did not want to go out dating other women. Instead we did a wife swap and some soft swinging together. It was with friends and safe. That put a big spark back in our marriage. Nothing like having sex with a new person to boost the ego and make you feel desirable and sexy again. It also ups your game after seeing your spouse with another person. For men it is called sperm competition, look it up, and for women it is like the show, "The Bachelor" where all the women fight for a guy they never met before, just because other women want him. Our sex after a wife swap was intense for weeks afterwards. A good outcome was that my wife got it out of her system and decided that I was more than enough man for her. Sex with strangers is just sex. It cannot compete to making love. We connect on a spiritual level. We know we will be together for life no matter who we have sex with. We also hold our marriage and each other over all else. Our marriage is not based on monogamy as if it is the cornerstone of a marriage. A marriage centered on monogamy is tough to live since we are all naturally attracted to others. We are married for 44 years and due to our age and medical problems, are monogamous until death, just as we knew it would be.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-25823/how-an-extramarital-affair-could-save-your-marriage.html

Why My Husband & I Sometimes Have Sex With Other People - mindbodygreen

Rethinking monogamy today - CNN.com


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

xerxes1974 said:


> First time posting on this site.
> 
> I have been married for 17 years and the last few years have been challenging. We really grew apart. In November my wife told me that she was leaving me. I begged her to stay and she did. Since then she confessed that she developed feelings for another man and was interested in us opening our marriage so that she can have some type of relationship with him. She claims that she loves me and wants to stay married to me but that she no longer feels any romantic feelings towards me. She wants the freedom to explore romantic emotions with this man and others.
> 
> ...


Not something I could ever do or be comfortable with, it would appear she is not prepared to leave the stability you offer or look like a bad person for splitting up the marriage for an AP but she is going to get all the benefits of both worlds. 

The mental torture of actually knowing your wife is being ****ed by another man will destroy any self confidence you have left, please do not accept it unless you are totally comfortable with it and the relationship goes both ways as in you also have other woman you have sex with regularly which is clearly not the case here due to the highlighted statements above.

Are you a needy/anxious or controlling person who smothers her and relies on her for everything(you need to be honest with yourself and really think) if so that could be why she could be feeling constricted? Either way I would be very cautious about doing anything but file for Divorce and trying to move on before you lose any more self respect or worth.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

xerxes1974 said:


> F....I have been married for 17 years and the last few years have been challenging. We really grew apart. In November my wife told me that she was leaving me. I begged her to stay and she did. Since then she confessed that she developed feelings for another man and was interested in us opening our marriage so that she can have some type of relationship with him. She claims that she loves me and wants to stay married to me but that she no longer feels any romantic feelings towards me. She wants the freedom to explore romantic emotions with this man and others.
> 
> *The funny thing is that since confessing this to me, our relationship has grown closer than it ever has, more intimate and we have been having more passionate sex than we have had in many, many years.* She claims that she feels closer to me because I am giving her freedom from what she felt was a constricting relationship. This confuses me.
> 
> ...



My heart goes out to you. I think I understand the slippery slope you are one. Your marriage is in crisis. Insist on you and your wife going to a marriage counselor. Your first priority should be your love for and protecting your children. Your wife in not thinking clearly. 

You sound like you are sexually codependent on your wife for your emotional happiness. That isn't good and you really need to practice safe sex with her, she isn't protecting you, herself and her family's future.

Good luck.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

You can easily google up plenty of anecdotal stories about how well such arrangements have worked for individual couples, but when you find any solid research that looks at the overall picture rather than statistically insignificant anecdotal examples, it becomes clear that it is a disaster for most, and not at all some magic path to how we're "hardwired" to be. 

Divorce rate for traditional marriages has run fairly close to 50% for quite some time now. Since open marriages are a small minority, and not openly talked about, there's not as much reliable data. But what surveys have been run show open marriage failure rate to be as high as 92%. What's more, people who respond to questions about whether or not opening the marriage made it stronger, also reply in the negative at a 90%+ rate. 

Bottom line: I would never use the failure rate of traditional marriage as a justification for trying an open marriage. It may work for some, but that is a very tiny percentage of the total and the chances of you being part of that total are very slim. And that failure rate/negative response rate includes all the people who went in fully committed to the open marriage and fully believing it would work. If it overwhelmingly doesn't work for them, why would anybody who is opposed or even conflicted about it have any reason to believe it would work for them?


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

I'd tell her if she wants an open marriage, there's the open door. Don't let it hit ya where the good lord split ya. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Vinnydee said:


> I am going to provide you some links about non monogamy. As you discovered, even just talking about it will have positive results, something I have tried to let others understand. Anyway, here they are and it is good and short reading. My wife and I were in an ethical open marriage. It is not as horrible as some think. In our 44 years of marriage we had only 10 other sex partners and half of those we shared. We chose our marriage over monogamy. 50% who marry get divorced and yet rather go down with the ship then change boats. That is really crazy when you think about it. Monogamy is a societal structure, it is not natural and hence all the problems we read about here and elsewhere. We are going against our genetic coding.
> 
> In our case it was I who wanted the open marriage but did not want to go out dating other women. Instead we did a wife swap and some soft swinging. That put a big spark back in our marriage. Nothing like having sex with a new person to boost the ego and make you feel desirable and sexy again. It also ups your game after seeing your spouse with another person. For men it is called sperm competition, look it up, and for women it is like the show, "The Bachelor" where all the women fight for a guy they never met before, just because other women want him. Our sex after a wife swap was intense for weeks afterwards. A good outcome was that my wife got it out of her system and decided that I was more than enough for her. Sex with strangers is just sex. It cannot compete to making love.
> 
> ...


My wife and I have been in the swinging lifestyle to one degree or another for over 10 years. We have been with multiple dozens (perhaps approaching one hundred) of other couples and a few singles. I don't disagree with much of what you say about ethical, consensual, non-monogamy.

However what is being done here is not the least bit ethical and it is not consensual. 

This is exploitation, manipulation and being done under duress. It is not for the mutual benefit of the couple, the marriage or the family. 

The OP is simply being strong-armed into sitting passively while his wife screws other guys. 

This is not an alternative lifestyle. It is not a nontraditional marriage. It is one person bullying and manipulating the other with duress to accept something that they do not want. 

This situation has nothing to do with swinging, nothing to do with an alternative lifestyle or nontraditional marriage. It is bad behavior, bad character, maltreatment and exploitation.


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## Puny_T-Rex_Arms (Apr 20, 2017)

You're going to need some references in here if you're going to make it stick.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I have yet to see an open marriage that works unless both are committed to the lifestyle and are willing to ignore the obvious pitfalls. That being said, I believe that your wife really just wants an affair, and if that is her requirement to stay in the marriage on a go forward basis, you should offer her a divorce. 

As a adjunct to all of this, she says that she wants some sort of relationship with another man, ask her, how she will feel if you are physical with another woman. Ask her how she will feel if you decide that you want an exclusive relationship with another woman?

Sir, you need to get tough on her over this. Let her know that this could potentially destroy your family, and you would be determined to grant her a divorce under fairly punitive terms, ie: loss of custody of minors, financial penalties, such as child support, etc etc etc. See a lawyer and have some papers drawn up. It could shock her out of this bizarre mindset.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Xerxes,

You asked if anyone has experience with anything like this, I do indirectly with my mother in law who lived with us.

In spite of her being of advanced age she never got over my FIL living with another woman in another country. She felt incredibly lonely and isolated and would break down emotionally every so often. Can you really imagine yourself sitting at home with your kids while your W is living with someone else. 

If your W insists on this course of action you must insist on telling your children every detail of her arraignment, also everyone else should be informed as well, your W does not get to keep her reputation, because she does not deserve it.

Your W may also end up a virtual slave of this Mr Wonderful who has a good chance of being emotionally and physically abusive once he has your W under his control. What kind of man would separate a mother from her children for 4 years?

Tamat


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@xerxes1974 read what I say below very carefully as I am a very experienced swinger that has been involved in a nonmonogamous marriage for over a decade. 

What your wife (or rather STBX wife?) is doing is NOT an open marriage and it is not an alternative lifestyle or any kind of new-age lifestyle. ..... she is simply chumping you. You are being played for a fool and chump her. 

She is keeping you around to mow the lawn, unclog the toilet, kill spiders and babysit the kids while she has wild monkey sex with other men. 

She knows that you are so desperate to keep the family together and so dependent on her for female companionship and attention that she knows she can feed you a $h!t sandwich and you will eat it and accept her terms because of your desperation and weakness. 

You are being exploited and manipulated. 

Yes, I understand things have perked up in the bedroom. But that is a momentary boost in hormones because she knows she can now have wild monkey sex with other men and it has given her a temporary boost in hormones. 

The thought of her being with other men has also given you a temporary bit of an evolutionary boost in hormones as well.

This will all be short-lived. Once you agree to let her screw around, she will lose respect and admiration for you because she will see you as weak, dumb and manipulatable. Women cannot desire men they do not respect or see as weak so she will soon lose that temporary horniness with you and she will soon stop responding sexually to you all together. your marriage will soon become completely sexless or she will give you duty sex once a month and let you have sex with her limp body while she watches HGTV on the tv in the bedroom. 

While this is happening with you, she will be having hot, wild, passionate, porn sex with the other men. 

She will invariably start seeing them as strong, virile "Real Men" while she will see you as the babysitter and house boy that washes her laundry after she comes home with the other's men's semen in her underwear. 

You will be the beta boy that takes care of things at home while she gets down with the real men. 

At that point it will simply be a matter of time before one of those men makes her an offer to leave the house boy and take up with him full time. 

You can't win this one and it will never play out to your benefit. This is a loser's and fool's game. You are being played for a chump and a fool here. 

Grow some giblets and squash this silly idea or pack your bags and make a good life of your own now.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

She does not care about you or the marriage. She made that clear when she told you she was leaving in November. What she wants now is you for a backup plan in case her "new" life does not work out the way she plans. You are Plan B - the safe haven were she can rest and plan her next "itch in her pants" encounter.

Divorce.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

So, OP, what do you get out of the deal? I haven't heard you say what your plans are for yourself since this is an "open marriage." (It's not by true definition.) What are the terms of the open marriage for you? Was that discussed? Or was it alllll about her?

Also, Are You The Breadwinner of the family?

Look, I have no issues with open marriages, swingers, any sort of alternative lifestyle. If it is between two consenting adults or 3, or 10 consenting adults, that is not my business and it is not my place to judge. However, both parties have to be in agreement and both parties should get something out of the deal. Sounds like this is a totally lopsided situation.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

She's a bully. 
She has bullied you into this with emotional blackmail, knowing you don't want it and you're afraid she'll leave if you don't allow her to have her frolics with other men.

An 'open marriage' is when both partners are fine with it. If you continue, it's not an 'open marriage'. 
It's a marriage where the husband is allowing his wife to have affairs - though he doesn't want her to - because he's afraid she will leave. Hardly a 'marriage'. 

The hard truth is that no-one would do this to someone they love and respect. Would you?

Quit being glad your relationship has 'improved'. She's only rewarding you with crumbs because you've agreed. 

See it for what it is. Get your self-respect back NOW. You deserve better.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

JayOwen said:


> @xerxes1974 That would likely be my wife @ABHale is referring to.
> 
> Similar question proposed to me -- difference being that I did not agree to the open marriage. It didn't stop her though (just 24 hours later). In my experience, I would not trust anything your wife is saying, even if she truly believes she just wants "freedom" that is just an indication she's lying to herself as much as she is to you.
> 
> ...


Hey Jay, yours and another one. She posted her story on another forum. 

Hope things are good for you and the kiddos Jay.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

I am so sorry this is happening to you and your family. You might be in danger of making decisions too quickly. It's so tempting to come up with plans that you think you can deal with but really your being too optimistic about how much garbage you are willing to tolerate. Don't make any commitments to her right now. Wait a few weeks. Tell her you need to think about it for a while first. 

After learning your W has another guy it's normally to emotionally be all over the place. Desperate, angry, and my personal favorite suspicious. I am/was so suspicious. Suspicious that she is telling you the whole truth. Suspicious she isn't going to limit the affair to 4 times a year. Suspicious she is emotionally attached to this other guy all the time and not 4 times a year. Does she text him, call him, meet up with him? How do you know? She has poor judgement since she got herself in this position. You can't trust her. It's no way to live. 

My H had an EA and I scared away the OW away but 5 years later I wish I had just let her have him and because I could have healed. Now the wound keeps reopening. Resentment builds. Then my H got caught rekindling his friendship with OW. It never stops. Might as well stop it now. She is not in a place to R.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> She is giving you more sex to keep you pacified and docile until she divorces you changes the locks and so on.
> 
> See a lawyer.



:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Xerxes,

Ok buddy, I'm going to jump in here not as someone who agreed to a proposition like this, but someone who shut it down. Without getting into my long story my WW got herself convinced polyamory would be a great thing, and went about trying out sex with other men to see if she could handle it before I got any say. Now, unlike you I never said yes to anything, but I did do some investigating and reading, including going with her on polyamory websites. So heres my take because you have no clue what you are getting yourself in for out of desperation on your part to stay married at all costs.

If you think you are uncomfortable now, when apparently this OM she has found is overseas wherever that is, wait until she starts to "explore" her more local male population, and if you think this little agreement you have is going to hold when you have capitulated so easily, you are sadly mistake.

You need to read two books. "More Than Two", and one called "Opening Up" These books will not sugar coat this and will give you the pros and cons of an open marraige. To give you the factys in short version
(1) women have ALL the power in open relationships. They can walk into a bar with five wedding rings on and 95% or more of the men will be falling all over themselves to get with them for some no strings sex. You on the other hand will get totally rejected by the same percentage of women who know you are married.
(2) open marriages collapse for the same reasons monogamous ones do. Broken boundaries. You have just Ok'd your wife having sex with another man who is not local, but in her mind you are now in an open marriage, and she is free to explore relationships with other men also. once she starts having sex with other men, you are going to find yourself baby sitting while she primps and goes out to get laid and be sitting there when she conmes home. You will be watching TV while she sexts and texts her boyfriends. You are going to eventually be asked to meet them and maybe even to let her bring them in public where you live. If you do not believe any of that you will if you read the books.
(3) you are not now in any form of legitimate open marriage. You have been browbeat in to accepting whatever she wants to do because you are too paralyzed mentally right now to cope with it

The simple fact is if you go to a polyamory convention or gathering you will be told up front that this NEVER works when one partner is coerced into it like you have been. And if you read a polyamory forum you will see how many of these relationships are a mess. You need to see an IC for youtr apparent co dependence that allows you to so easily be pushed into accepting this.

You are in for a world of hurt that in the long run will probably wind up a disaster anyway because if she screws enough other men she will become emotionally involved ( most women do) with one local to you and leave you anyway. I know you are under this illusion that you have limited the potential damage to four times a year. keep posting here. We will see how long that holds up.

my suggestion to you is to see an attorney and call her bluff. if she is willing to divorce you to go bang some guy overseas, you are toast in this relationship;


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

straightshooter said:


> my suggestion to you is to see an attorney and call her bluff. if she is willing to divorce you to go bang some guy overseas, you are toast in this relationship;


 Straightshooter's suggestion "to see an attorney and call her bluff. if she is willing to divorce you to go bang some guy overseas, you are toast in this relationship" in a nutshell says it all.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

xerxes1974 said:


> First time posting on this site.
> 
> I have been married for 17 years and the last few years have been challenging. We really grew apart. In November my wife told me that she was leaving me. I begged her to stay and she did. Since then she confessed that she developed feelings for another man and was interested in us opening our marriage so that she can have some type of relationship with him. She claims that she loves me and wants to stay married to me but that she no longer feels any romantic feelings towards me. She wants the freedom to explore romantic emotions with this man and others.
> 
> ...


She's already in a relationship with him. What she is asking is if she can continue this taste test while you support her.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

eric1 said:


> She's already in a relationship with him. What she is asking is if she can continue this taste test while you support her.


 Truth!!!!


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## Kobold (Dec 5, 2015)

You have children with this woman, so look at it this way. If it was your son who was in this position and he told you that his wife demanded that she be able to sleep with other men while he stays at home and watches the kids what would you tell him? 

Would you advise him to just roll over like a dog for her in order to keep the marriage at any cost or would you attempt to talk some sense into him and get him to see how this arrangement will leave him feeling completely worthless and emasculated? Would you warn him of the possibility that his wife could bring home any number of sexually transmitted diseases or tell him how dangerous it is for a woman to meet up with strange men for random hookups? Would you tell him that as a husband and a father it was his primary responsibility to protect his wife and children even if that means telling them "NO" sometimes? 

Unfortunately you've allowed this to go so far that now a simple "NO" will no longer suffice if you wish to salvage your marriage. You'll have to drag your wife kicking and screaming(metaphorically speaking) out of this "lifestyle" which she will no doubt resent you for taking away from her for the foreseeable future. 

Worst case scenario(other than her getting infected/impregnated/or killed by an OM obviously) is she finds somebody, maybe her current OM maybe a different one and decides he's a better catch, she divorces you and you become a weekend dad. Best case scenario is that some years down the road she regrets ever getting involved with this garbage and she looks back and wishes you had put your foot down the moment those words ever left her mouth, cause in the back of her mind she is always gonna blame you at least a little bit for not "mate guarding" her.

There are only two types of men who would allow their wife to be degraded like this. Those who are living in fear of being abandoned cause they think they're not good enough for her or those who simply don't value their wife all that much and see nothing wrong with pimping the mother of their children out to random degenerates. Either way it's a dangerous and nasty underworld filled with broken people that you and your wife are about to embark on.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

On a somewhat humorous note, my former business partner (former, because his WW's moods basically destroyed our business) was confronted with this scenario. He asked me what I would say to her? Me being somewhat of a prick when it came to that woman, gave him his line. He said to her; "Should we open the marriage before or after I have both of your legs broken?"

Unfortunately, or fortunately, his WW has no apparent sense of humor, (When you look up "Bimbo" in Webster's, her picture is presented) and took this quite seriously. Basically, within 8 hours, she NC'ed her AP, made appointments for her psychiatrist, and PCP, and begged him forgiveness. They are still limping, as neither of them really understands that she has more psychological problems stemming from being raised by two functional alcoholics, and lacks any semblance of impulse control or boundaries.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

straightshooter said:


> Xerxes,
> 
> Ok buddy, I'm going to jump in here not as someone who agreed to a proposition like this, but someone who shut it down. Without getting into my long story my WW got herself convinced polyamory would be a great thing, and went about trying out sex with other men to see if she could handle it before I got any say. Now, unlike you I never said yes to anything, but I did do some investigating and reading, including going with her on polyamory websites. So heres my take because you have no clue what you are getting yourself in for out of desperation on your part to stay married at all costs.
> 
> ...



this !!!


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Kobold said:


> You have children with this woman, so look at it this way. If it was your son who was in this position and he told you that his wife demanded that she be able to sleep with other men while he stays at home and watches the kids what would you tell him?
> 
> Would you advise him to just roll over like a dog for her in order to keep the marriage at any cost or would you attempt to talk some sense into him and get him to see how this arrangement will leave him feeling completely worthless and emasculated? Would you warn him of the possibility that his wife could bring home any number of sexually transmitted diseases or tell him how dangerous it is for a woman to meet up with strange men for random hookups? Would you tell him that as a husband and a father it was his primary responsibility to protect his wife and children even if that means telling them "NO" sometimes?
> 
> ...


remarkable post, just like your last one with Zurhus. Excellent stuff and I agree 1000%


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think Xercese wanted to hear that he was doing the right thing and wanted to be congratulated and admired for his sacrifice and endurance, so now he has left the building. 

I hope he comes back and takes everything that he has been told to heart.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I didn't even read your post because your title has all the info anyone should need to reply.

Any spouse who wants an open marriage when their partner doesn't needs to have their ass kicked to the curb. There is NO in between or negotiation or extenuating circumstances involved. If you do not want to share your wife, and your wife won't agree, then your wife gets the hell out. End of story.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator Warning: *

Posts that breach the community standards at TAM will be deleted.

One such post in this thread has been deleted. Another post was deleted to tidy the thread as it quoted the deleted thread.


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## JayOwen (Oct 26, 2016)

ABHale said:


> Hey Jay, yours and another one. She posted her story on another forum.
> 
> Hope things are good for you and the kiddos Jay.


They're good enough for now, thanks for asking. Out of curiosity - was that thread posted here or on another site? No threadjack intended, it may be worth a read by @xerxes1974 as well


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## sharko12345 (May 17, 2013)

Your wife has cheated already. Emotionally if not yet physically. I went through that process. You are plan b.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

sharko12345 said:


> Your wife has cheated already. Emotionally if not yet physically. I went through that process. You are plan b.


My guess is she's been doing the OM for weeks before submitting her proposal for an open marriage. Rather than him being plan B I look at it a him being "base camp" where she can return like a hunting party does when going after big horn sheep in NW Montana.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I really hope you come back and read the advice given by everyone.

You are not going to be able to handle know she went off to sleep with someone else, she is having great sex with you because you gave her what she wanted. 

My question to you is what are you getting out of it?

I think you need to have a sit down with the wife, and explain after doing some thinking you just can't agree to let her do this and continue to be your wife.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

You will have a few defining moments in life. This is one. Do what you need to do today so you can look back and say "it was hard, but I did the right thing"


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

JayOwen said:


> They're good enough for now, thanks for asking. Out of curiosity - was that thread posted here or on another site? No threadjack intended, it may be worth a read by @xerxes1974 as well


Another site. She asked, he said no and she had an affair she would not tell BH about. She was fishing for approval in the thread. She didn't get it.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

This is sad. 3 kids stable home life is about to blown apart so this woman can test drive this guy out in the open. Let's be serious here. When a spouse tells you about an open marriage, they have already been getting busy for a while. 

Open marriage for the majority of men, is the road to cuckoldville. Even a below average woman can most likely have sex on-demand with men of a higher sex rank than her. They're not going to wine and dine for it but she can have a new partner every night. The great majority of men, would be lucky to score once a month. So what will happen is that your wife will be out several nights a week getting more wanton by the day, while you're home with the kids.

Just file for divorce and work on becoming a better man. You will respect yourself and you will model for your kids what a man should be. Let your wife model the kind of woman they should avoid at all cost. She's puffed up on confidence she gained from the ego boost she's gotten from a new man blowing smoke up her behind. 

But remember life is a marathon not a sprint. If you make the right moves, you'll prepare yourself to meet a woman worthy of your love. She's on the glamorized road to divorce, single mom'sville except it rarely turns out like those Lifetime channel made for TV movies.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jsmart said:


> This is sad. 3 kids stable home life is about to blown apart so this woman can test drive this guy out in the open. Let's be serious here. When a spouse tells you about an open marriage, they have already been getting busy for a while.
> 
> Open marriage for the majority of men, is the road to cuckoldville. Even a below average woman can most likely have sex on-demand with men of a higher sex rank than her. They're not going to wine and dine for it but she can have a new partner every night. The great majority of men, would be lucky to score once a month. So what will happen is that your wife will be out several nights a week getting more wanton by the day, while you're home with the kids.
> 
> ...


It's also a quick road to a women being a burned out, used up shell of herself too.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

VladDracul said:


> My guess is she's been doing the OM for weeks before submitting her proposal for an open marriage. Rather than him being plan B I look at it a him being "base camp" where she can return like a hunting party does when going after big horn sheep in NW Montana.


This is classic and so on target. The base camp analogy is excellent


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

jsmart said:


> This is sad. 3 kids stable home life is about to blown apart so this woman can test drive this guy out in the open. Let's be serious here. When a spouse tells you about an open marriage, they have already been getting busy for a while.
> 
> Open marriage for the majority of men, is the road to cuckoldville. Even a below average woman can most likely have sex on-demand with men of a higher sex rank than her. They're not going to wine and dine for it but she can have a new partner every night. The great majority of men, would be lucky to score once a month. So what will happen is that your wife will be out several nights a week getting more wanton by the day, while you're home with the kids.
> 
> ...


This is so true. She will get more for sure and he will be babysitting


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> My guess is she's been doing the OM for weeks before submitting her proposal for an open marriage. Rather than him being plan B I look at it a him being "base camp" where she can return like a hunting party does when going after big horn sheep in NW Montana.


Yeah all that is likely.

But, she is already half way out the door. Told you she does not love you romantically anymore. I guess it is a choice between allowing the open marriage OR divorcing her. Given that choice, i would consult a lawyer to draw up some no-fault contract, so that if you allow her to screw other men, you too can have your fun with other women, and there would be NO CONSEQUENCES to you if you choose to divorce her later on. 

I would also work out the details....so you do not get surprised when you come home some day and find a gang bang going on in your bedroom. List your expectations and boundaries. If you can both live inside of those boundaries, hey go for it. What else do you have to lose? But go into this with your eyes WIDE OPEN!


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

In any real situation like this, the woman is giving the man a opportunity to come to his senses and just exit the marriage with dignity. It's surprising many men cannot. As a metaphor, no man wants wants another man helping himself to the best watermelons in your truck patch. But men who often believe they are lucky to have what little they got, are willing to permit the gatekeeper/wife to allow a certain amount of pilferage by certain men so long as there a little left for them during harvest. Our man Xerxes, appears to be the type that really has few problems with his wife inviting sharecroppers to harvest what he labored 17 years to make. Its on him and I submit ain't a hell of a lot any of us can do. It ain't like he's going to wake up one day and say, "I really don't have to put up with this crap." The road to replacement is appears too long.


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## Dazedconfuzed (Mar 20, 2017)

I haven't read any of the other comments, but as someone who had a sexually non-exclusive (though still very much traditionally 'monogamous' in every other aspect) marriage for a while, my opinion would be that your proposed situation is not going to work. At all. Particularly for you.

I've been around a whole lot of 'open' relationships in my time, and have been very close to the people involved, and my take on what it takes to make things work are these (and even with these, you are still playing an 'extreme sport' and should be fully aware of that):

- the marriage comes first and is as strong as it can possibly be, with two partners that adore and respect each other above all others and who have excellent communication and partnering skills. I have never, ever seen an less-than-great marriage improve through opening it up (except in some extreme cases, like when one partner doesn't really care about/want sex and also doesn't care if their partner seeks sex elsewhere). 

- both partners have to want it equally. If one partner wants to dial it back or wants out entirely, the other should follow with little-to-no resistance.

- everything must be done together, and at the same level, unless the less active partner truly doesn't care (see above). Most women, particularly, will have a much easier time finding willing partners than most men will. If she is not cognizant of and responsible around that power imbalance to make sure her partner doesn't feel left out, the marriage may quickly turn sour.

There are lots of other considerations, but those are the big three, IMO. Bottom line - the marriage, and the people in the marriage, always always always comes first. No exceptions.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

After the first post, the OP never posted again. It appears that the OP has left the building. Nothing to see here, now move along.


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## goingsolo12 (Mar 26, 2017)

I am totally against the concept of open marriage, it doesn't make sense at all. If you don't want a monogamous relationship why marry at all? 
Heck remain as loving couple and date other people why do you need to get married? If a couple wants to have relationships with other people without growing apart they can do so without getting married. Live together , have kids, date others. All the privileges of marriage would be available without any legal hassle. If the open relationship doesn't work and you find yourself being attracted to someone else rather than your bf/gf you can always break up (instead of divorce) with minimal damage. Why do you have to waste so many dollars over a wedding then ultimately have a relationship with other people and put your marriage in jeopardy? i really don't get it. If you want multiple sexual partners, don't get married.

Marriage is not a convenience, its a commitment for life, its sacred.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

I wonder where the OP went? Do you think he stuck around to read all of this? Odds are he knew what to do and just needed a sounding board.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

m00nman said:


> I wonder where the OP went? Do you think he stuck around to read all of this? Odds are he knew what to do and just needed a sounding board.


No, I think he really wanted people to tell him he was doing the right and that people would admire his sacrifice and selflessness. 

A lot of chumps want to be cheered on and supported in their chumpdom. That is one of the things that makes the 'Recociliation-Industrial-Complex' so much money. Counselors and therapists make good money by cheering on chumps and giving them advice on how to suck it up and dance harder for their tormentors. 

Friends and relatives will also pat them on the back and tell them what a good dutiful spouse and parent they are being by enduring the mistreatment and abuse that the WS inflicts upon them. 

I think Xerces really wanted and maybe even expected people to admire and compliment his dedication to keeping his cheating wife under the roof and applaud his sacrifice. 

When he didn't get that and when he was being told he was being a chump and a fool, he didn't like that and left the building.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> No, I think he really wanted people to tell him he was doing the right and that people would admire his sacrifice and selflessness.
> 
> A lot of chumps want to be cheered on and supported in their chumpdom. That is one of the things that makes the 'Recociliation-Industrial-Complex' so much money. Counselors and therapists make good money by cheering on chumps and giving them advice on how to suck it up and dance harder for their tormentors.
> 
> ...


Well said Old Shirt. Similar to many WW who post on this forum and SI hoping to get told how it really wasn't so bad to cheat. 

Xerses, if you are reading this I am telling you again. Your thread title says it all. YOU DO NOT WANT AN OPEN MARRIAGE. But you have agreed to one out of denial fear, and refusal to stand up for your beliefs. Hopefully you will snap out of it before this little arrangement destroys you.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

m00nman said:


> Odds are he knew what to do and just needed a sounding board.


Or some cat that just wanted to conjure up a discussion/debate. It in my nature to question the validity of these "over the top" cheating stories but its fun formulating a response.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Is this what you signed up for when you two married? If it was not and still isn't, then your marriage is gone dude!

Kill it by filing for divorce and let the family know why. Mommy wants boyfriends and I want only mommy. Let your parents and hers know as well as your and her siblings. Expose her shenanigans so you can get some support now better than when she leaves you anyway.

You accepting her crumbs of sex is a weak move on your part. You may love her, but love will not change her, it will emotionally destroy you though. Nip this **** in the bud and file as of yesterday. Please expose her and don't feel shame. You should feel shame for allowing her to appease you with sex. That is not what a husband that loves her and has been loyal and faithful to her deserves. Don't devalue yourself that way. She will not see it or treat it well. She will disrespect you even more. No other way out, but out!


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I just remembered. Didn't Easter break just end? Also, most colleges are pretty much done with the semester by now.

just saying...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Hard to say what is really going on with the OP. Seeing how he has never responded. 

It's another one shot and gone.

:gun:


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

ABHale said:


> It's another one shot and gone.
> 
> :gun:


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

goingsolo12 said:


> I am totally against the concept of open marriage, it doesn't make sense at all. If you don't want a monogamous relationship why marry at all?
> Heck remain as loving couple and date other people why do you need to get married? If a couple wants to have relationships with other people without growing apart they can do so without getting married. Live together , have kids, date others. All the privileges of marriage would be available without any legal hassle. If the open relationship doesn't work and you find yourself being attracted to someone else rather than your bf/gf you can always break up (instead of divorce) with minimal damage. Why do you have to waste so many dollars over a wedding then ultimately have a relationship with other people and put your marriage in jeopardy? i really don't get it. If you want multiple sexual partners, don't get married.
> 
> Marriage is not a convenience, its a commitment for life, its sacred.


Reply: Maybe the couple change their mind about monogamy after being married a while. Maybe they want the other benefits of marriage such as security, financial support, ability to decide medical situations (HIPPA), filing tax return as married filing jointly.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Rest assured Ed, regardless of the reasons stated for an open marriage, it is always in the persons perceived "self interest" to participate. If it wasn't for the, "forsaking all others" part, it would be cheaper and offer a lot more freedom to just pay for the other services a spouse offers. In reality the only way the financial and security part comes into play is if she were richer than me. Moreover, unless its elective treatment, you don't get to decided on medical situation anyway. Some accountant in an insurance company is doing that.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Wonder if/when the OP comes back to this self sustaining thread, and thinks "WTF did i start"?!?!?


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## goingsolo12 (Mar 26, 2017)

Edmund said:


> Reply: Maybe the couple change their mind about monogamy after being married a while. Maybe they want the other benefits of marriage such as security, financial support, ability to decide medical situations (HIPPA), filing tax return as married filing jointly.


In my opinion do we really think about these things before dating or getting married? Or do you marry a person out of sheer love? A young couple in love sees no such benefits at the time, we choose a partner and decide to get married. However people do get married for money, fame, and material objects like a good house etc and that is the wrong way to go about things.In most cases *you marry a person because you want to not because you need to*. 

If you are poly amorous from the start don't get married, then you are entering in to a whirlpool of trouble. We are all humans and being poly amorous will have a huge strain on a relationship. There is no way in hell that you would keep your emotions for your spouse but end up sleeping with multiple persons, i just don't see how that is possible. You will end up screwing things up emotionally and ruining your life. I am sure there are exceptions however I haven't seen or met any.

*There is a reason we call it love making because its the pinnacle of love and involves our desires and emotions for the person we love, now after getting in to a habit of making love can you suddenly get an urge to have emotionless sex with a third person who is not your spouse?* If yes then there is something definitely wrong with the marriage, more importantly there is something definitely wrong with the person who gets this idea.

I don't see how suddenly after years of marriage people would feel the need to be poly amorous. Open relationships are not build on selflessness and trust they are built on selfishness, you are happy that your spouse gets to sleep with a third person as long as you also get to enjoy the same.

Marriage from my point of view is strictly monogamous. Its a contract, don't sign the contract if you won't adhere to it. Cause by not following the contract you are risking a lot than just your marriage, you are risking the lives of your children and other loved ones as well.

Just my opinion :smile2:


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