# Dating After Divorce Sucks



## DivorcedDadDating

Just some back story before my rant. I’m new here and I’m a 40 yr old divorced man for about 3 years with one child. I am in pretty good shape and have a good job, so I am lucky to be financially pretty well off. I am also more than 6’ tall and have also been told that I am very attractive, as well. I feel like I ‘check all the boxes you’re supposed to check.’

Anyway, I usually have pretty decent success in matching with women on the typical dating sites, however they very rarely ever pan out. I’ve dated many types of women, including ones that I never thought I would date just to see if I was being too picky. What I found out is that it seems that everyone of these women have pretty major issues, in my opinion. I’m not necessarily talking baggage, though. I don’t mind kids or a little drama with their ex husband (divorce usually does that, right?). It’s almost like none of them are in a healthy place to start dating. While I would normally look at that as being a red flag, it can’t be if they’re all that way, right?

An example, none of them trust men at all because of previous relationships/marriages, so you’re already behind the eight ball. I get it, as I’ve been there. However, I took the time to heal and mourn the loss of my marriage, etc. but it seems that 100% if the women I’ve met on there haven’t really at all. Truthfully, it seems to be getting worse.

I hope this doesn’t come across as being picky, rude or inconsiderate, as that was never my intention. It’s just been my experience and I wanted to see if other people (men and women) have found this to be true and how you handled it.


----------



## Bulfrog1987

DivorcedDadDating said:


> Just some back story before my rant. I’m new here and I’m a 40 yr old divorced man for about 3 years with one child. I am in pretty good shape and have a good job, so I am lucky to be financially pretty well off. I am also more than 6’ tall and have also been told that I am very attractive, as well. I feel like I ‘check all the boxes you’re supposed to check.’
> 
> Anyway, I usually have pretty decent success in matching with women on the typical dating sites, however they very rarely ever pan out. I’ve dated many types of women, including ones that I never thought I would date just to see if I was being too picky. What I found out is that it seems that everyone of these women have pretty major issues, in my opinion. I’m not necessarily talking baggage, though. I don’t mind kids or a little drama with their ex husband (divorce usually does that, right?). It’s almost like none of them are in a healthy place to start dating. While I would normally look at that as being a red flag, it can’t be if they’re all that way, right?
> 
> An example, none of them trust men at all because of previous relationships/marriages, so you’re already behind the eight ball. I get it, as I’ve been there. However, I took the time to heal and mourn the loss of my marriage, etc. but it seems that 100% if the women I’ve met on there haven’t really at all. Truthfully, it seems to be getting worse.
> 
> I hope this doesn’t come across as being picky, rude or inconsiderate, as that was never my intention. It’s just been my experience and I wanted to see if other people (men and women) have found this to be true and how you handled it.


As a recently widowed woman who was married almost 15 years, I don't think you're wrong at all. For me, I have issues from being mentally and emotionally abused over the years. I know I'm attractive, not drop dead gorgeous (well I am on the inside lol) But I definitely don't require a bag over my head. So I'm confident as you are. I don't have a career though, my husband definitely wanted me dependent on him and so I'm more of a hybrid stay at home type mom, though my five year old started school this August. So now what? I've got a long ways to go for sure.

While I know better than to put my issues on the next man that enters my life, I'm not sure any amount of time is really going to make me 'ready' to date. I'm mature enough to know I think however. That being said, I think I'm going to be on pins and needles the first go arounds. There is always going to be a spidy sense, waiting for the ball drop and be let down. IDK if I'm explaining that right or in a way it could make sense. Is it fair to the future guy, no probably not. I want to believe in my heart, the right man can hear my story and understand what I'm coming out of, even if it's five years from now, though I HOPE AND PRAY it doesn't take that long. 

I know what I'm worth however. I know what I can bring to a relationship and I know I can build the next man up into a better version of who is and I know there is someone out there that can do that for me too. It will be a force to be reckoned with, that's for sure. I just can't imagine dating in 2022 at 36 years old, with a son, with my job, my responsibilities. Often times I think "Who, on this earth is going to actually want to dive into this mess and rescue it?" No one. Maybe I'm wrong? I know the majority has to be done solely by oneself though. It's a constant work in progress.

So no, I don't think you're being picky. Selective, maybe yet there is NOTHING wrong with that either. Happy dating sir.


----------



## DivorcedDadDating

Bulfrog1987 said:


> As a recently widowed woman who was married almost 15 years, I don't think you're wrong at all. For me, I have issues from being mentally and emotionally abused over the years. I know I'm attractive, not drop dead gorgeous (well I am on the inside lol) But I definitely don't require a bag over my head. So I'm confident as you are. I don't have a career though, my husband definitely wanted me dependent on him and so I'm more of a hybrid stay at home type mom, though my five year old started school this August. So now what? I've got a long ways to go for sure.
> 
> While I know better than to put my issues on the next man that enters my life, I'm not sure any amount of time is really going to make me 'ready' to date. I'm mature enough to know I think however. That being said, I think I'm going to be on pins and needles the first go arounds. There is always going to be a spidy sense, waiting for the ball drop and be let down. IDK if I'm explaining that right or in a way it could make sense. Is it fair to the future guy, no probably not. I want to believe in my heart, the right man can hear my story and understand what I'm coming out of, even if it's five years from now, though I HOPE AND PRAY it doesn't take that long.
> 
> I know what I'm worth however. I know what I can bring to a relationship and I know I can build the next man up into a better version of who is and I know there is someone out there that can do that for me too. It will be a force to be reckoned with, that's for sure. I just can't imagine dating in 2022 at 36 years old, with a son, with my job, my responsibilities. Often times I think "Who, on this earth is going to actually want to dive into this mess and rescue it?" No one. Maybe I'm wrong? I know the majority has to be done solely by oneself though. It's a constant work in progress.
> 
> So no, I don't think you're being picky. Selective, maybe yet there is NOTHING wrong with that either. Happy dating sir.


Thank you for your response!

Sorry for your loss. In all fairness, what you just described doesn’t bother me at all. In fact, I would argue that it is normal at our stage of life. I wouldn’t have a problem dating someone going through what you just described.

I guess I’m mainly talking about women wanting to work on themselves and get to a place of healing rather than finding that they go from date to date completely unhappy expecting the worst in people. I would’ve thought most would look for the positive, similar to me. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t seem to be the case 10/10 times. It’s really sad what dating seems to have come too.


----------



## Evinrude58

I’m pretty much having a great time dating. I’m 48 or so, I am not 6’, not attractive, don’t make much money. Yet I get to date beautiful, fun, intelligent, cool ladies. I date them when I feel like it, don’t worry about getting married anymore, always have someone to take a trip with when I feel like it, spend time with when I want……. I think the secret is to just enjoy who you’re with, enjoy the present, don’t worry about whether you’re gonna get married or if they are perfect, etc. just have a good time.

If you are as you describe, it’s your own fault if you aren’t meeting some neat people. Of course, there are dry spells and rainy seasons.


----------



## Bulfrog1987

DivorcedDadDating said:


> Thank you for your response!
> 
> Sorry for your loss. In all fairness, what you just described doesn’t bother me at all. In fact, I would argue that it is normal at our stage of life. I wouldn’t have a problem dating someone going through what you just described.
> 
> I guess I’m mainly talking about women wanting to work on themselves and get to a place of healing rather than finding that they go from date to date completely unhappy expecting the worst in people. I would’ve thought most would look for the positive, similar to me. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t seem to be the case 10/10 times. It’s really sad what dating seems to have come too.


Well in that sense I would agree. I see far too many women, back burnering men, if you will. Continuing to date to see what else is out there, but stringing on a prior date because nothing better may come along for instance. Also, it seems, many our age ( I know we're a few years apart) are just immature in general. There are so many woman who are totally jaded, but IMO, not rightfully so. They had a decent man, but focused far too much on what someone else had and the fact they didn't with their partner and left that, but are still miserable. For me, given what I've been through, it's really really hard for me to watch a woman put a man through hoops, through the wringer when they are truly trying. 

Of course maybe that's my own self being jaded. I know what it's like to be taken advantage of, used and treated poorly and some of these broads, some men included truly don't know what they have. 

I don't have a much hope for my future partner, a smidge, but not a lot. For instance, a man like you may eventually become jaded as well and miss out on a good woman, because you got to a point like you are now of frustration.


----------



## RebuildingMe

I had success before I derailed into a LTR. I haven’t gotten back out there and have no plans to. I enjoy my space. There may be something you’re doing wrong. You’re getting the matches. Are you dismissing these women or are they dismissing you?


----------



## DivorcedDadDating

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m pretty much having a great time dating. I’m 48 or so, I am not 6’, not attractive, don’t make much money. Yet I get to date beautiful, fun, intelligent, cool ladies. I date them when I feel like it, don’t worry about getting married anymore, always have someone to take a trip with when I feel like it, spend time with when I want……. I think the secret is to just enjoy who you’re with, enjoy the present, don’t worry about whether you’re gonna get married or if they are perfect, etc. just have a good time.
> 
> If you are as you describe, it’s your own fault if you aren’t meeting some neat people. Of course, there are dry spells and rainy seasons.


Please tell me how you’re doing it, as I would love to know!

It hasn’t always been like this, so maybe I’m just in a dry spell?


----------



## DivorcedDadDating

RebuildingMe said:


> I had success before I derailed into a LTR. I haven’t gotten back out there and have no plans to. I enjoy my space. There may be something you’re doing wrong. You’re getting the matches. Are you dismissing these women or are they dismissing you?


Honestly, I think a little bit of both. I’m really only dismissing the obvious ones that I take out on dates like women that don’t bathe regularly (yes, apparently that’s a thing now), aren’t who they say they are or ones that we obviously don’t connect with.

Lately, I’ve been getting dismissed or lead on by the type of women that wouldn’t usually act that way towards me, which is why I decided to post on here. An example, last week one of the ladies and I had great conversations on the app, through text and on the phone. She seemed very responsive then. We went on the first date and it seemed to go well. We had great conversation and stayed much longer than either of us had planned. In fact, we made plans to go on another date when I dropped her off that same evening, but she’s not been nearly as responsive to my communication since. That just seems strange to me with this particular woman.

i thought maybe she might not be interested in me after the date, but her words and her body language said otherwise.


----------



## Bulfrog1987

DivorcedDadDating said:


> Honestly, I think a little bit of both. I’m really only dismissing the obvious ones that I take out on dates like women that don’t bathe regularly (yes, apparently that’s a thing now), aren’t who they say they are or ones that we obviously don’t connect with.
> 
> Lately, I’ve been getting dismissed or lead on by the type of women that wouldn’t usually act that way towards me, which is why I decided to post on here. An example, last week one of the ladies and I had great conversations on the app, through text and on the phone. She seemed very responsive then. We went on the first date and it seemed to go well. We had great conversation and stayed much longer than either of us had planned. In fact, we made plans to go on another date when I dropped her off that same evening, but she’s not been nearly as responsive to my communication since. That just seems strange to me with this particular woman.
> 
> i thought maybe she might not be interested in me after the date, but her words and her body language said otherwise.


This is an exact example ( from a woman perspective) of being placed on the backburner, in case she has another option. _insert eyeroll_


----------



## Evinrude58

DivorcedDadDating said:


> Please tell me how you’re doing it, as I would love to know!
> 
> It hasn’t always been like this, so maybe I’m just in a dry spell?


It’s just a dry spell. Don’t sweat it.
Im a believer in making decisions from a position of plenty rather than famine when it comes to choosing a long term partner. 
I’m sure I’ll be accused of back burnering women although it’s happened to me too. But I’ll take backburnering than getting burned. I’ve been burned twice.

I don’t put a lot of faith in long term relationships anymore and take things as they come.


----------



## RebuildingMe

DivorcedDadDating said:


> Honestly, I think a little bit of both. I’m really only dismissing the obvious ones that I take out on dates like women that don’t bathe regularly (yes, apparently that’s a thing now), aren’t who they say they are or ones that we obviously don’t connect with.
> 
> Lately, I’ve been getting dismissed or lead on by the type of women that wouldn’t usually act that way towards me, which is why I decided to post on here. An example, last week one of the ladies and I had great conversations on the app, through text and on the phone. She seemed very responsive then. We went on the first date and it seemed to go well. We had great conversation and stayed much longer than either of us had planned. In fact, we made plans to go on another date when I dropped her off that same evening, but she’s not been nearly as responsive to my communication since. That just seems strange to me with this particular woman.
> 
> i thought maybe she might not be interested in me after the date, but her words and her body language said otherwise.


Someone like that is dangling a bunch of dudes. You’re just not in her top three. Let her go. Women are always going to strive for their top option, even if that option is out of her league. You’re not doing anything wrong. Just cut them off sooner if they are not showing the attention. Keep plugging away.


----------



## RandomDude

You're right, I've noticed this already 30+ too

There's too much wrong with them, and like you mentioned it's not just about their exs or stuff, it's just their whole mindset.

Another reason I'm sticking to organic encounters from now on.


----------



## Not

DivorcedDadDating said:


> Honestly, I think a little bit of both. I’m really only dismissing the obvious ones that I take out on dates like women that don’t bathe regularly (yes, apparently that’s a thing now), aren’t who they say they are or ones that we obviously don’t connect with.
> 
> Lately, I’ve been getting dismissed or lead on by the type of women that wouldn’t usually act that way towards me, which is why I decided to post on here. An example, last week one of the ladies and I had great conversations on the app, through text and on the phone. She seemed very responsive then. We went on the first date and it seemed to go well. We had great conversation and stayed much longer than either of us had planned. In fact, we made plans to go on another date when I dropped her off that same evening, but she’s not been nearly as responsive to my communication since. That just seems strange to me with this particular woman.
> 
> i thought maybe she might not be interested in me after the date, but her words and her body language said otherwise.


 I’m female and I’m out there in dating land. I can tell you this, speaking from my own experience, sometimes it’s simply just a matter of slowly realizing the person you’re speaking with isn’t as good a match as you first thought. Nothing more and nothing less. There are lots of moving parts that need to fit and if it’s seen sooner rather than later that some parts just simply aren’t going to fit it’s better to move on right away. That is most likely what happened with her.


----------



## moon7

DivorcedDadDating said:


> Just some back story before my rant. I’m new here and I’m a 40 yr old divorced man for about 3 years with one child. I am in pretty good shape and have a good job, so I am lucky to be financially pretty well off. I am also more than 6’ tall and have also been told that I am very attractive, as well. I feel like I ‘check all the boxes you’re supposed to check.’
> 
> Anyway, I usually have pretty decent success in matching with women on the typical dating sites, however they very rarely ever pan out. I’ve dated many types of women, including ones that I never thought I would date just to see if I was being too picky. What I found out is that it seems that everyone of these women have pretty major issues, in my opinion. I’m not necessarily talking baggage, though. I don’t mind kids or a little drama with their ex husband (divorce usually does that, right?). It’s almost like none of them are in a healthy place to start dating. While I would normally look at that as being a red flag, it can’t be if they’re all that way, right?
> 
> An example, none of them trust men at all because of previous relationships/marriages, so you’re already behind the eight ball. I get it, as I’ve been there. However, I took the time to heal and mourn the loss of my marriage, etc. but it seems that 100% if the women I’ve met on there haven’t really at all. Truthfully, it seems to be getting worse.
> 
> I hope this doesn’t come across as being picky, rude or inconsiderate, as that was never my intention. It’s just been my experience and I wanted to see if other people (men and women) have found this to be true and how you handled it.



To start a new healthy relationship you need to recover and forgive the last one. People arent very forgiving nowdays, neither men nor women.

My cousin's boyfriend just left her after 6 years together and thats what i keep telling her. She is taking her time to mourn that relationship, she is trying to understand her new reality, straighting her relationship with God (who is helping her closely), trying to block every news from her ex, bc people come telling her he is so much different, going out with women, but really unhappy or whatever.

And thats it. No secret. Just learn to love yourself, observe and learn from your flaws and understand people have those same flaws or worse and forgive them, even though they dont give af, bc if you dont forgive you will be forever LOCKED there, punishing the new partner for the sins of someone before him/her.


----------



## moon7

DivorcedDadDating said:


> Honestly, I think a little bit of both. I’m really only dismissing the obvious ones that I take out on dates like women that don’t bathe regularly (yes, apparently that’s a thing now), aren’t who they say they are or ones that we obviously don’t connect with.
> 
> Lately, I’ve been getting dismissed or lead on by the type of women that wouldn’t usually act that way towards me, which is why I decided to post on here. An example, last week one of the ladies and I had great conversations on the app, through text and on the phone. She seemed very responsive then. We went on the first date and it seemed to go well. We had great conversation and stayed much longer than either of us had planned. In fact, we made plans to go on another date when I dropped her off that same evening, but she’s not been nearly as responsive to my communication since. That just seems strange to me with this particular woman.
> 
> i thought maybe she might not be interested in me after the date, but her words and her body language said otherwise.


Maybe she is an introvert who needs time to recover from close interactions. Who knows? I know i was back in the day and when some cute guy i knew would show interest in me i would panic and disapear from the face of earth and he wouldnt find me, simply bc of low self esteem. People are weirder than they seem, and not all are related to you and your attractiveness. There are so many invisible variables.

Just keepgoing, dont give up!


----------



## moon7

Bulfrog1987 said:


> This is an exact example ( from a woman perspective) of being placed on the backburner, in case she has another option. _insert eyeroll_



I WISH i had those backburner back in the day.

I keep reading about it, hearing about it, but never seen in reality.

Maybe super hot women have them, not average cute, though.

In my reality its something common for men, actually, to have them.


----------



## moon7

RebuildingMe said:


> Someone like that is dangling a bunch of dudes. You’re just not in her top three. Let her go. Women are always going to strive for their top option, even if that option is out of her league. You’re not doing anything wrong. Just cut them off sooner if they are not showing the attention. Keep plugging away.


Projection all around.


----------



## Livvie

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m pretty much having a great time dating. I’m 48 or so, I am not 6’, not attractive, don’t make much money. Yet I get to date beautiful, fun, intelligent, cool ladies. I date them when I feel like it, don’t worry about getting married anymore, always have someone to take a trip with when I feel like it, spend time with when I want……. I think the secret is to just enjoy who you’re with, enjoy the present, don’t worry about whether you’re gonna get married or if they are perfect, etc. just have a good time.
> 
> If you are as you describe, it’s your own fault if you aren’t meeting some neat people. Of course, there are dry spells and rainy seasons.


Where are your meeting the women you date?


----------



## moon7

RandomDude said:


> You're right, I've noticed this already 30+ too
> 
> There's too much wrong with them, and like you mentioned it's not just about their exs or stuff, it's just their whole mindset.
> 
> Another reason I'm sticking to organic encounters from now on.


Actually the best relationships are usually family friends, friends of friends, because you will have some background from said person instead of avaluating their character from zero.


----------



## moon7

Livvie said:


> Where are your meeting the women you date?


I think he mentioned dating sites


----------



## frusdil

DivorcedDadDating said:


> like women that don’t bathe regularly (yes, apparently that’s a thing now)


Really, ew! Next!

I feel for you OP, I personally hate dating. HATE it. I'm a relationship person. Dating is so ugh...if I found myself single I don't think I'd put myself through it again.

Would tweaking your profile filters help? Change them to date only women who've been divorced for 2+ years or something? I know it won't remove all the deadwood, but it will cut through some of it.

I thank my lucky stars every day that my husband wasn't left bitter and leary of marriage after his divorce (I've never been married before, he's my first and will be my only husband).


----------



## Prodigal

Oh gawd. Online dating. Went through that after I divorced my first husband. I met some pretty strange men. Some were basically broken toys. I could tell you plenty of crazy stories about the dates I went on.

The thing is, I got off the online thing. I joined a local ski club. They also organized hikes, boat rides, bowling, and field trips. Yep, I even tossed a bowling ball into a group of almost-strangers. And, yes, I was able to laugh at my inability to toss the ball down the actual lane.

I met plenty of men and what made it less stressful was we were all getting together as a group to share interests. I had a great time. Consider clubs or meet-ups in your area.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

DivorcedDadDating said:


> Just some back story before my rant. I’m new here and I’m a 40 yr old divorced man for about 3 years with one child. I am in pretty good shape and have a good job, so I am lucky to be financially pretty well off. I am also more than 6’ tall and have also been told that I am very attractive, as well. I feel like I ‘check all the boxes you’re supposed to check.’
> 
> Anyway, I usually have pretty decent success in matching with women on the typical dating sites, however they very rarely ever pan out. I’ve dated many types of women, including ones that I never thought I would date just to see if I was being too picky. What I found out is that it seems that everyone of these women have pretty major issues, in my opinion. I’m not necessarily talking baggage, though. I don’t mind kids or a little drama with their ex husband (divorce usually does that, right?). It’s almost like none of them are in a healthy place to start dating. While I would normally look at that as being a red flag, it can’t be if they’re all that way, right?
> 
> An example, none of them trust men at all because of previous relationships/marriages, so you’re already behind the eight ball. I get it, as I’ve been there. However, I took the time to heal and mourn the loss of my marriage, etc. but it seems that 100% if the women I’ve met on there haven’t really at all. Truthfully, it seems to be getting worse.
> 
> I hope this doesn’t come across as being picky, rude or inconsiderate, as that was never my intention. It’s just been my experience and I wanted to see if other people (men and women) have found this to be true and how you handled it.


Yeah, when you are starting over at 40, you won't be dating wide-eyed idealistic trusting innocence of youth. 

With age and experience comes battle scars. You will have to earn trust this time around. I'm glad you feel you have yourself sorted though because that's half the battle.


----------



## Enigma32

Stay off the dating sites, period. That's at least half your problem. If I were you, I would hit the gym and try to meet women there, hit on women at restaurants, anything. You could even take some classes at a local community college or something. You might be surprised who you run into there. When single, I usually met women out in public. Dating sites simply did not work for me.


----------



## gameopoly5

DivorcedDadDating said:


> Just some back story before my rant. I’m new here and I’m a 40 yr old divorced man for about 3 years with one child. I am in pretty good shape and have a good job, so I am lucky to be financially pretty well off. I am also more than 6’ tall and have also been told that I am very attractive, as well. I feel like I ‘check all the boxes you’re supposed to check.’
> 
> Anyway, I usually have pretty decent success in matching with women on the typical dating sites, however they very rarely ever pan out. I’ve dated many types of women, including ones that I never thought I would date just to see if I was being too picky. What I found out is that it seems that everyone of these women have pretty major issues, in my opinion. I’m not necessarily talking baggage, though. I don’t mind kids or a little drama with their ex husband (divorce usually does that, right?). It’s almost like none of them are in a healthy place to start dating. While I would normally look at that as being a red flag, it can’t be if they’re all that way, right?
> 
> An example, none of them trust men at all because of previous relationships/marriages, so you’re already behind the eight ball. I get it, as I’ve been there. However, I took the time to heal and mourn the loss of my marriage, etc. but it seems that 100% if the women I’ve met on there haven’t really at all. Truthfully, it seems to be getting worse.
> 
> I hope this doesn’t come across as being picky, rude or inconsiderate, as that was never my intention. It’s just been my experience and I wanted to see if other people (men and women) have found this to be true and how you handled it.


Dating apps for men are a complete waste of time.
There are scores of videos on YouTube that explain why and suggest you view some of them
If you are the financially well off and attractive guy you claim to be in your post, then you should have no problems meeting women by conventional methods. At clubs, bars, recommendations and even cashiers at supermarkets.
My dad met my mum back in the 1940s while waiting for a bus at a bus stop.
It appears to me you are lacking confidence.
In England when I was single we used to describe picking up girls as going out on the pull.
Have a few nights out at clubs, pubs, bars and discos, places where girls hang out, take a male friend or friends with you for support and to help build your confidence again.
Who knows, you may meet the love of your life again.


----------



## Personal

gameopoly5 said:


> Dating apps for men are a complete waste of time.


I've never dated anyone using them, being hitched for too long to have gone there. That said they aren't a complete waste of time for all men. With my 22 year old son getting dates easily enough (although he does say the apps are a hellhole), including being with his current girlfriend.


----------



## In Absentia

DivorcedDadDating said:


> I’m really only dismissing the obvious ones that I take out on dates like women that don’t bathe regularly


It's not to strip your skin of all its precious oils... it also applies to washing your hair too often.


----------



## In Absentia

Enigma32 said:


> hit on women at restaurants


How do you do that?


----------



## DamianDamian

Yeah man online dating is a lottery, especially for men. There's far more men on there and the quality (for lack of better word) of the women is lower because half-decent women get guys hitting on them in real life.
You just have to keep trying and try and find better online dating sites - some are much better than others.


----------



## DivorcedDadDating

Livvie said:


> Where are your meeting the women you date?


Typically online. It seems like that’s the only way to meet them anymore, though I’m definitely open to ideas


----------



## Diana7

Online dating isn't easy either for men or women. Believe me men are just as bad. I do think it's important for anyone not to date again until they have forgiven and moved on from any past relationships. If a guy I met talked badly about and was bitter against a past wife/partner then I wouldn't date them because they clearly still have issues to sort out.

I was on OLD for about 2 years before I met my now husband of 17 years. Its takes time and effort to find the right person for you. It also depends on what you are looking for. Its far easier to go onto tinder and find a person to date casually and have sex with than it is to find a decent long term partner/spouse which is what I wanted.

I think OLD is generally a good way to meet. You can get to know people who live further away than just in your local town or city, so it's far less restricting. Not everyone wants to meet at a gym or the local bar.


----------



## Marc878

A buddy of mine divorced at 40. Decent guys are hard to find. He just had fun with it. It took awhile and he got picked instead of picking. It took a couple years. 
Don’t waste time. Dump and move on quickly.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

In Absentia said:


> How do you do that?


I talk to people at restaurants all the time although I'm not at all trying to date any of them because I'm an old lady. You certainly don't intrude on someone's table, but sometimes people will just be friendly. Maybe they see your plate and wonder what you ordered. Maybe you open the door for them.

I don't ever do this because I don't like to eat around the televisions but maybe you are eating in the sports bar section of the restaurant where people are just kind of naturally interacting or commenting on a game.

Maybe eating on the patio and it's a beautiful day and someone nods at you as they're sitting down and you say it's a beautiful day for it.

There's this one place I used to like that was in a neighboring town, a barbecue place that was always busy and kind of a hangout for a lot of the locals but not a young crowd. This place had the best french fries I've ever had. So I usually ordered a beer tray full of them and took a bunch home to reheat.

I brought a girlfriend with me one time and we ordered a beer tray full of them and had them piled up on our table a foot deep, and just about everybody who walked by stopped and commented on them (are y'all really going to eat all those?) or asked if they could have one (maybe I can help you out). It was pretty comical.

If you get to be a regular at a favorite restaurant you'll learn to recognize other regulars and certainly managers and servers. My favorite restaurant a couple of the female managers are 40ish and attractive women. I don't know if they're married or not. I am pretty sure one isn't.

For me I found that whatever activities you do or wherever you hang out, do it regularly enough that you meet other people who are doing the same thing. Those people at least have that in common with you. If you keep seeing the same person over and over again, chances are one day you're going to start being polite and at least nodding to each other. It is true that most women don't go out to eat alone like I do. I've done it ever since I was a kid and it doesn't bother me a bit. So I guess that makes it a little harder to sort one out from the herd, but sometimes they'll meet you halfway.

It's very important to have an outside social hobby or activity that you do regularly. 

Go to the dog park regularly and you'll soon know a lot of locals. And your dog will do all the work for you. Because at the dog park what you do is let your dog off the leash and then follow it around. They will go visit the dogs or people they are curious about and drag you with them.

Also you should get on your neighborhood Nextdoor social media app. You'll find out what's going on and go to community meetings or police division meetings or little holiday parades right there in your neighborhood or participate in cleanups and animal rescue.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

Evinrude58 said:


> _*Im a believer in making decisions from a position of plenty rather than famine when it comes to choosing a long term partner.*_
> *I’m sure I’ll be accused of back burnering women although it’s happened to me too. But I’ll take backburnering than getting burned. I’ve been burned twice.*


You didn't answer the OPs actual *question*. 

He wants to know how you're ATTRACTING all these beautiful, intelligent, sane, drama-free women in the *first* place, he didn't ask how you 'rotate' your stock.


----------



## AVR1962

59 year old female, divorced 6 years. Don't waste your time with online dating. There are so many scammers online, you have no idea who you are actually dealing with. 

A woman's world if different from a man's from the beginning of our lives. We are allowed to be emotional, we are allowed to express feelings but many times when we marry our partners do not understand this and they shut is out or shut us down. We learn that our thoughts and feelings are not important to the very closest person in our life. As we are shut out or shut down by our partner we distance ourselves. We become emotionally detached from our partner and we become emotionally detached from our own needs. This turns out in many ways but not usually very kindly towards men. We become hesitant and cautious, many times showing up as very straight forward and bold.


----------



## RandomDude

Enigma32 said:


> Stay off the dating sites, period. That's at least half your problem. If I were you, I would hit the gym and try to meet women there, hit on women at restaurants, anything. You could even take some classes at a local community college or something. You might be surprised who you run into there. When single, I usually met women out in public. Dating sites simply did not work for me.


Or join a dance class, that's what I would do if I can be bothered meeting someone again. And if I can be bothered getting over my comfort zone 😋

But yeah, online dating sucks, it's like a sushi train at its best, meeting alot of women but all individuals lack substance for LTR, either way it sucks. 

Best places to meet is where you are exposed long enough to develop a crush I reckon, work, class, church, etc

Surprisingly even a pub if people are regulars...


----------



## Enigma32

In Absentia said:


> How do you do that?


Become a regular customer at some place. I usually hit up the same couple of restaurants once a week or so. After doing this for a while, if you have enough personality, the people working there will get to know you. Maybe you can date your regular waitress, your bartender, or even another customer if you run into each other enough. It takes time is all.


----------



## southbound

frusdil said:


> Really, ew! Next!
> 
> I feel for you OP, I personally hate dating. HATE it. I'm a relationship person. Dating is so ugh...if I found myself single I don't think I'd put myself through it again.


I’m with you. I know a lot of people love the freshness of someone new, but I dislike the early “what kind of music do you like” stage. I like it once it gets to the deeper relationship stage.


----------



## RebuildingMe

RandomDude said:


> Or join a dance class, that's what I would do if I can be bothered meeting someone again. And if I can be bothered getting over my comfort zone 😋
> 
> But yeah, online dating sucks, it's like a sushi train at its best, meeting alot of women but all individuals lack substance for LTR, either way it sucks.
> 
> Best places to meet is where you are exposed long enough to develop a crush I reckon, work, class, church, etc
> 
> Surprisingly even a pub if people are regulars...


I wouldn’t recommend workplace relationships if you are a male and care about your job.


----------



## Not

DamianDamian said:


> Yeah man online dating is a lottery, especially for men. There's far more men on there and the quality (for lack of better word) of the women is lower because half-decent women get guys hitting on them in real life.
> You just have to keep trying and try and find better online dating sites - some are much better than others.


I’m half decent and don’t get hit on in real life. Must be resting ***** face or something.


----------



## frusdil

southbound said:


> I’m with you. I know a lot of people love the freshness of someone new, but I dislike the early “what kind of music do you like” stage. I like it once it gets to the deeper relationship stage.


Same. "Do you have any siblings?" "What do you do for a living?"

Nope.


----------



## Personal

RebuildingMe said:


> I wouldn’t recommend workplace relationships if you are a male and care about your job.


After 26 years of being together so far (23 years married), plus oodles and oodles of shared sex. As a male who cared/cares about his job,I recommend workplace relationships.


----------



## Enigma32

southbound said:


> I’m with you. I know a lot of people love the freshness of someone new, but I dislike the early “what kind of music do you like” stage. I like it once it gets to the deeper relationship stage.


I skip the question and answer portion almost entirely and just pick fun activities as early dates. You get to know people a lot better by letting them talk then you do by asking them their favorite color.


----------



## Enigma32

RebuildingMe said:


> I wouldn’t recommend workplace relationships if you are a male and care about your job.


Depends. If you are in a corporate hell job, then you might wanna behave. If you are working blue collar, smash whoever you want. When I was still working as a corrections officer, everyone there was hooking up and everyone knew about it.


----------



## lmucamac

DivorcedDadDating said:


> Just some back story before my rant. I’m new here and I’m a 40 yr old divorced man for about 3 years with one child. I am in pretty good shape and have a good job, so I am lucky to be financially pretty well off. I am also more than 6’ tall and have also been told that I am very attractive, as well. I feel like I ‘check all the boxes you’re supposed to check.’
> 
> Anyway, I usually have pretty decent success in matching with women on the typical dating sites, however they very rarely ever pan out. I’ve dated many types of women, including ones that I never thought I would date just to see if I was being too picky. What I found out is that it seems that everyone of these women have pretty major issues, in my opinion. I’m not necessarily talking baggage, though. I don’t mind kids or a little drama with their ex husband (divorce usually does that, right?). It’s almost like none of them are in a healthy place to start dating. While I would normally look at that as being a red
> 
> An example, none of them trust men at all b
> 
> REPLY (can’t figure out how to get rid of quote)
> 
> from a widowed woman’s point of view…. You should be picky when looking for someone to have a relationship with. If that’s the goal, than don’t bother dating someone who’s not on the same page as you. When starting over there’s always baggage, there’s always past feelings, and there’s always trust issues. I think the best way to find someone to have a relationship is to put yourself in a position to meet women, but not for the purpose of dating. I’m now married, and met my husband through meetup.com. We spent almost a year doing group activities before we began dating. I believe you don’t find love, it finds you, but you have to put yourself in a position to find it.


----------



## In Absentia

Enigma32 said:


> Become a regular customer at some place. I usually hit up the same couple of restaurants once a week or so. After doing this for a while, if you have enough personality, the people working there will get to know you. Maybe you can date your regular waitress, your bartender, or even another customer if you run into each other enough. It takes time is all.


I see... I used to go to the pub regularly, but it gets boring after a while...


----------



## Loves Coffee

DivorcedDadDating said:


> Just some back story before my rant. I’m new here and I’m a 40 yr old divorced man for about 3 years with one child. I am in pretty good shape and have a good job, so I am lucky to be financially pretty well off. I am also more than 6’ tall and have also been told that I am very attractive, as well. I feel like I ‘check all the boxes you’re supposed to check.’
> 
> Anyway, I usually have pretty decent success in matching with women on the typical dating sites, however they very rarely ever pan out. I’ve dated many types of women, including ones that I never thought I would date just to see if I was being too picky. What I found out is that it seems that everyone of these women have pretty major issues, in my opinion. I’m not necessarily talking baggage, though. I don’t mind kids or a little drama with their ex husband (divorce usually does that, right?). It’s almost like none of them are in a healthy place to start dating. While I would normally look at that as being a red flag, it can’t be if they’re all that way, right?
> 
> An example, none of them trust men at all because of previous relationships/marriages, so you’re already behind the eight ball. I get it, as I’ve been there. However, I took the time to heal and mourn the loss of my marriage, etc. but it seems that 100% if the women I’ve met on there haven’t really at all. Truthfully, it seems to be getting worse.
> 
> I hope this doesn’t come across as being picky, rude or inconsiderate, as that was never my intention. It’s just been my experience and I wanted to see if other people (men and women) have found this to be true and how you handled it.


My suggestion is to get off the dating sites for a while and take a trip to another country. You're seeing a high volume baggage on those sites. Go check out how women in general are better in other countries. I was your age (40) 8 years ago and I did the same thing. I met and married a foreign woman and am just short of 8 years of marriage now. I didn't have to do this because I was like you describe yourself and could have found someone locally, but I was tired of wading through chest high garbage.

During the beginning all of the same arguments came my way "oh it's the green card" etc. I gotta tell you the green card doesn't mean squat. When I met my wife's family I realized she had it better than I did... Well, 8 years later and her salary is quickly approaching my own. She is young and beautiful and could have left me years ago if she only wanted a GC. 

One of my best friends also married an island girl about 10 years ago. His story closely resembles my own.

Just a thought... Are you adventurous?


----------



## joannacroc

Trust your instincts. It's a good idea to give folks a chance that you might not normally. But at a certain point your instincts tell you if this is a person you want to spend more time with or not. My only other advice would be that people tend to like those who gush all over them and open up alarmingly quickly. Just be aware that your dates being guarded initially isnt necessarily a bad thing. It might mean they have boundaries and a healthy sense of wanting to know someone well before opening up about the more personal things they experienced. Baggage comes with the territory at this age. If someone is out and out bitter, however, you should trust your instincts.


----------



## 342693

Looked at a dating site this weekend just to see what was out there. Been 8 years since I dated. How depressing. I should have watched Schindler's List instead.


----------



## uwe.blab

DivorcedDadDating said:


> Thank you for your response!
> 
> Sorry for your loss. In all fairness, what you just described doesn’t bother me at all. In fact, I would argue that it is normal at our stage of life. I wouldn’t have a problem dating someone going through what you just described.
> 
> I guess I’m mainly talking about women wanting to work on themselves and get to a place of healing rather than finding that they go from date to date completely unhappy expecting the worst in people. I would’ve thought most would look for the positive, similar to me. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t seem to be the case 10/10 times. It’s really sad what dating seems to have come too.


Are you saying that, on dates, they are complaining about their circumstances or people (exes, etc)? That does sound like a big downer. Dates are supposed to be fun-- laughter-- especially the first couple of dates. 

That said-- it is hard to really know someone. Be careful.


----------



## RandomDude

SCDad01 said:


> Looked at a dating site this weekend just to see what was out there. Been 8 years since I dated. How depressing. I should have watched Schindler's List instead.


Lol if you think the water is cold dipping your toe in, wait until you take the plunge!


----------



## RandomDude

In Absentia said:


> I see... I used to go to the pub regularly, but it gets boring after a while...


Most people ARE boring 🙄

Also kinda why now I will have to like them BEFORE I want to date them 😅

Hence offline dating only from now on!


----------



## Not

frusdil said:


> Same. "Do you have any siblings?" "What do you do for a living?"
> 
> Nope.


Aww. Siblings is one of the first things I ask about. I'd love to meet someone who's got lots of siblings and/or a big family. I have no family near-by so would love to be a part of that.


----------



## 342693

RandomDude said:


> Lol if you think the water is cold dipping your toe in, wait until you take the plunge!


LOL...not sure I want to take the plunge. I was looking at women between 45-55 and there were so many pics of them drinking, partying and dressed like they're in their 20's. I like to go out and have fun, but I'm way past that stage in my life. Made me feel old, really old.

And why do some women post "Not looking for hook ups"...but have several pics of their boobs hanging out of their dress or bathing suit?


----------



## RandomDude

SCDad01 said:


> LOL...not sure I want to take the plunge. I was looking at women between 45-55 and there were so many pics of them drinking, partying and dressed like they're in their 20's. I like to go out and have fun, but I'm way past that stage in my life. Made me feel old, really old.
> 
> And why do some women post "Not looking for hook ups"...but have several pics of their boobs hanging out of their dress or bathing suit?


Good heavens, I was dating from 30-40 range, and it was already a cold pond. However if that's what it looks like 45-55 it would be taking a dip in a lake of ice!  screw that haha!


----------



## Loves Coffee

SCDad01 said:


> And why do some women post "Not looking for hook ups"...but have several pics of their boobs hanging out of their dress or bathing suit?


For the right guy there wouldn't be any rules applied. They are just trying to filter out online creeps IMO.


----------



## RandomDude

Loves Coffee said:


> For the right guy there wouldn't be any rules applied. They are just trying to filter out online creeps IMO.


So if I want to filter out online creeps too I should have a willy pic as my profile picture and saying I'm not interested in hookups


----------



## RebuildingMe

SCDad01 said:


> And why do some women post "Not looking for hook ups"...but have several pics of their boobs hanging out of their dress or bathing suit?


Because they want attention.


----------



## moon7

Not said:


> I’m half decent and don’t get hit on in real life. Must be resting *** face or something.


I doubt its common for women to hit on random men. I could see David Gandy (when he was hotter) directly smiling at me, even blink his eye at me or something, and i would NEVER EVER talk to him first. Zero courage.

To OP:

I have zero idea how to find quality women, but at your place i would try hobbies that, IN THEORY, quality women would enjoy, like the gym, crossfit (its a thing here in Brazil), yoga, language courses, dancing lessons, book club, sewing, crochet club, group travel, bicicle group, some travel group, cooking lessons (npt sushi, though, bc idk why it always has way more women than men, when i had sushi classes there were 2 women and 15 men, different from other cooking classes that were half and half, and i would say most people are single there), find places women like to go for girls night out, church and groups from church, those "help the poor" groups (idk how you callit in english), public pool, adult swiming classes, hydrogymnastics, condo pool, beach, dont ever skip parties your friends organize... there are options in real life!!! Maximize it!


----------



## Trident

moon7 said:


> I could see David Gandy (when he was hotter) directly smiling at me, even blonk hisbeyebor sokething,


Wow David Gandy smiled and blonkhisbeyebor sokething?

I don't know who David Gandy is but I admire and respect his ability to smile and blonk hisbeyebor sokething,


----------



## moon7

Trident said:


> Wow David Gandy smiled and blonkhisbeyebor sokething?
> 
> I don't know who David Gandy is but I admire and respect his ability to smile and blonk hisbeyebor sokething,


Hahaha sorry, ill correct it!!! 😂😂😂 

Now i laughed hard here.


----------



## Enigma32

SCDad01 said:


> LOL...not sure I want to take the plunge. I was looking at women between 45-55 and there were so many pics of them drinking, partying and dressed like they're in their 20's. I like to go out and have fun, but I'm way past that stage in my life. Made me feel old, really old.
> 
> And why do some women post "Not looking for hook ups"...but have several pics of their boobs hanging out of their dress or bathing suit?


I remember when I was a kid we used to play the opposite day game. Everything we would say to our friends would be the opposite of the truth. I'm convinced that 95%+ of the people on OLD sites are playing the opposite game with their profiles. If they mention in their profiles that they hate liars and game players, they are the liar and game player. If they say they don't do hook ups, they definitely do hook ups.

Think about it. Really, the only people who will post that they don't do hook ups are the people who are sick of only doing hook ups. You don't get sick of hook ups by never doing them, you're just tired of those hook ups never leading to anything. However, people don't really change so they might be tired of hook ups not going anywhere, but they will still do the hook ups. They just think/hope that if they say they don't like hook ups, that you will stick around after the hooking up happens.


----------



## Evinrude58

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You didn't answer the OPs actual *question*.
> 
> He wants to know how you're ATTRACTING all these beautiful, intelligent, sane, drama-free women in the *first* place, he didn't ask how you 'rotate' your stock.


Attracting? I can’t really say. 
Being a male with a job and a pulse seems to do the trick to attract ladies. Gotta being your A game on talking.


----------



## Jimi007

Just my 2 cents , Do not date anyone you work with . Also do not have anyone you work with as FB friends... been my experience it never works out . Join a local hiking club. Volleyball ball or hell even a sewing club. Get out and meet people


----------



## Personal

Jimi007 said:


> Just my 2 cents , Do not date anyone you work with .




Yep, you don't want to do that.

Since you run the risk of ending up having to share a splendid, 26 year and 3 month, still ongoing, high frequency sexual relationship. Inclusive of having to share a 23 year and almost 5 month long, happy marriage. Just like my wife and I have had to suffer. Ever since she asked me out on a date, when we worked 3 desks away from each other.

'cause no one should have to suffer that kind of experience.


----------



## Jimi007

Personal said:


> Yep, you don't want to do that.
> 
> Since you run the risk of ending up having to share a splendid, 26 year and 3 month, still ongoing, high frequency sexual relationship. Inclusive of having to share a 23 year and almost 5 month long, happy marriage. Just like my wife and I have had to suffer. Ever since she asked me out on a date, when we worked 3 desks away from each other.
> 
> 'cause no one should have to suffer that kind of experience.


I was talking about my OWN experience. Not yours. Glad it worked out for you. When I was younger, before I was married , I was head over heals about a girl I worked with. When it ended. We still worked together. When she started dating another co worker it really hurt. I left the job because of it.


----------



## Personal

Jimi007 said:


> I was talking about my OWN experience. Not yours. Glad it worked out for you.


I'm glad it's worked out as well. Although if it didn't, "such is life" and that would have been okay as well.



> When I was younger, before I was married , I was head over heals about a girl I worked with. When it ended. We still worked together. When she started dating another co worker it really hurt. I left the job because of it.


Ouch, I'm sorry that really hurt for you, and you left your job because of that pain. That said I hope you got over it, and moved onto better things.

As for myself, I have shared a few other sexual relationships with then work colleagues. Including my third longest lasting sexual relationship partner as well (my wife being the longest and ex-wife second longest). That said I am still friends with two of my former work colleague ex ex partners, although it never bothered me that they were with other people after we were together (my wife and I even went to the wedding of one of them).

Likewise some of my wife's former partners, have also been people she worked with as well (and I hope she enjoyed herself).

One thing for sure neither of us are sorry about, having started out as workmates, or for having been with other workmates in our seperate past as well.

For some of us, having sexual relationships with workmates can sometimes be a great thing. Just the same as it can sometimes be a bad thing as well.

I guess it often comes down to the difference between having a glass half full or half empty outlook.

At the end of the day I don't think one should specifically seek to share sexual relationships with workmates. While at the same time I don't think it's a good idea to prescriptively dismiss such relationships either. Since like any shared sexual relationships in life, they can workout or not workout depending upon the individual people involved. Plus if one locks themselves off from opportunity, they most certainly may end up missing out on experiencing all kinds of wonderful in their life.

I think it can be a wonderful thing to be open to dating people when there is some mutual attraction, regardless of wherever you meet them. Either in social setting, random encounters, workplaces or via the "dreaded" world of online dating, or anywhere else where people can meet.


----------



## desperateindenver

I'm not ready to date, but when I do, I'm going to join clubs of activities I like. I did this before meeting my wife and met plenty of great people, dated some of the women. 

Are there clubs that are also social?

Like I'll join the hiking club (as I did 20 years ago) and I expect I meet plenty of people. Do you have an activity you like that has a club for it near you?


----------



## RandomDude

Enigma32 said:


> I remember when I was a kid we used to play the opposite day game. Everything we would say to our friends would be the opposite of the truth. I'm convinced that 95%+ of the people on OLD sites are playing the opposite game with their profiles. *If they mention in their profiles that they hate liars and game players, they are the liar and game player. If they say they don't do hook ups, they definitely do hook ups.*
> 
> Think about it. Really, the only people who will post that they don't do hook ups are the people who are sick of only doing hook ups. You don't get sick of hook ups by never doing them, you're just tired of those hook ups never leading to anything. However, people don't really change so they might be tired of hook ups not going anywhere, but they will still do the hook ups. They just think/hope that if they say they don't like hook ups, that you will stick around after the hooking up happens.


Oh yeah, tons of projection. Also why I avoided all those profiles. Still they were all sucky anyway.


----------



## 342693

Dating as you get older is like games at a carnival....you know if you win anything, it's going to be crappy and only last a few days.


----------



## 2&out

SCDad01 said:


> Dating as you get older is like games at a carnival....you know if you win anything, it's going to be crappy and only last a few days.


LOL. And the odds of winning anything including a date at the carnival are a lot better !


----------



## RandomDude

SCDad01 said:


> Dating as you get older is like games at a carnival....you know if you win anything, it's going to be crappy and only last a few days.


 hahahaha


----------



## Trident

SCDad01 said:


> Dating as you get older is like games at a carnival....you know if you win anything, it's going to be crappy and only last a few days.


Maybe for you. I'm 60 and my last foray on the dating sites was after a 10 year relationship and there's plenty of quality women out there. We're together 4 months now.


----------



## Dean G

This is why it's imperative to screen the women you go on dates with, and need to for a quite a few dates so you can take the time to figure out how they are as a person. Depending on where you're meeting women will also come into play. If it's only on dating sites, have you considered going out to places or joining groups etc. that fall in line with your interests and hobbies?


----------

