# Women love me, then hate me, why?



## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Im 39. I am recently divorced. I met, who I thought was a very sweet 28 year old woman, right after my wife and I split up. For the 1st 2 months it was like living a dream, when I go back and read her txts and emails its almost as if she was a completely different person. Almost from the beginning she claimed to be in love, she couldnt go 1 hour without calling or txting me, and insisted on seeing me everyday. 
I tried to go slow, as I was a bit apprehensive to just jump into this thing head 1st, since I had just separated from my wife of 12 years, but I quickly got comfortable with her and decided life was too short to hold back, so I started to open up and show her more love and attention, and it was ok for a little while, then she started blowing me off, and saying that I was becoming too "needy". I really dont understand that, since I work loooong hours, and only have 1 day off to hang out, and maybe a little time at night, couple times a week. Thats needy? Well I got tired of her jerking me around, so I tried to break it off before I got in too deep, but she would cry and I would cave like an idiot, but needless to say, it eventually ended... BAD!
I dont understand how women can go from wanting to be at my friken hip, every minute of the day, to hardly at all, in such a short period of time. I really cant see where I went wrong. Im not possessive or jealous, I am very gentle, romantic, supportive and thoughtful. Im in good physical shape, I dont smoke, drink or do drugs, and Im pretty loyal. what am I doing wrong?:scratchhead: 
i just want to meet a nice girl to share good times with. I think I have alot to offer, but it seems like every relationship Im ever in in starts off like dynamite, but fizzles out quickly.
I see these overweight, beer drinking, out of work, dorks, with nice girlfriends, hanging all over them, is that what women want? just curious cause Ill quit working, collect unemployment, cancel my gym memebrship, and take up drinking.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why do you think YOU "went wrong?"

It sounds like she just wasn't ready for a relationship with you. 

And don't get down on yourself--you saaid all your relationships start out with a bang and then fizzle out quickly--that's not true. You were married 12 years. That is a long time.

In the future, beware of anyone who w/in 1-2 months if professing their undying love for you. IMO, it's a huge red flag.

Dust yourself off, pick yourself up, and carry on.

Life is not about the destination--it's the journey.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> I am very gentle, romantic, supportive and thoughtful.


That's the problem...

Not a lady but I think I should share my own experience when it comes to this, please disregard if I am wrong but... I went through the same thing until I hit late teens, finding myself a woman who was very straight up, and hammered my dream-like romanticism outta me when it comes to dating. The thing is, I wasn't needy, but I was too easy and too lovey dovey, too soon.

I compromised too soon, believed in too much romance, wasn't a realist. I've always been a romantic like you as well, but one thing you'll learn is that it's not wise to shower a woman with romance and love all at once. It scares them.

It has to be a gradual process, come halfway, let her meet you, come halfway again, etc etc. You have to show that you are in control too... instead of just charging forward and scaring her. And it's not that woman can't appreciate romance (which I thought was true), but whether they are ready for it during different stages of courtship.

Even my super-hardened first girlfriend had a heart real deep inside her, I ended up helping her see it, and she helped me learn to forget all the fairytale BS when it comes to romance. You have to play the game.

Even in marriage, the game still applies but differently, as a good husband you must not neglect your wife, or pull away from her too much as to cause her insecurity, to satisfy her needs for desire and affection - but you must also maintain who you are as a man worthy of respect, holding onto your "nuts" so to speak, bend knee to no one.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I'm a woman and I'll tell you that any woman who has that much free time to hound a man is nuts. And vice versa on the genders. 
Don't be swayed by the tears. Think to yourself - do I want a relationship with someone who behaves like a 2 year old and does not respect my decision that I made for my grown-up self regarding the type of relationship that makes me comfortable?

Just say no, buddy!


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Oh yeah, she was nutty as a fruitcake, im glad it over, but there was a little bit of every woman ive ever known in her. my wife, all my ex's, they couldnt get enough of my company at 1st, when i couldnt be bothered, so I give in and then they act like Im day old bread. I get the whole "want what they cant have" thing, and of course no woman wants a pantywaste, but sometimes these games get a bit tiring to me, I just wish I could be me. Not have to worry if Im giving too much. I like to give. I like being nice. Do all women want a jerk?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> I get the whole "want what they cant have" thing, and of course no woman wants a pantywaste, but sometimes these games get a bit tiring to me, I just wish I could be me. Not have to worry if Im giving too much. I like to give. I like being nice. Do all women want a jerk?


Instead of looking it like that, which I used to, that "Games get tiring, I like to give, I like being nice"

Look at it this way; Giving too much, too soon is not being nice and is actually inconsiderate of a woman's feelings in regards to you and the status of your relationship.

Instead of seeing it as "they just want what they can't have", see it as "I have to learn how to understand their needs and desires, which can be a need for love and affection, or a need for space"


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

She wasn't for you...move on.

What is a pantywaste?

PS - Just be YOU. She won't want anyone else, whenever she comes along, and whoever she is.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

franklinfx said:


> Oh yeah, she was nutty as a fruitcake, im glad it over


 Well there is your answer then. 



> I get the whole "want what they cant have" thing, and of course no woman wants a pantywaste, but sometimes these games get a bit tiring to me, I just wish I could be me. Not have to worry if Im giving too much. I like to give. I like being nice. Do all women want a jerk?


NOT all women want a jerk, I only want the nice doting guys. I wouldn't put up with anyone playing hard to get. I think you should just be YOU. If you try to be somethng you are not, it is going to come out in the wash anyway...in due time. Same with her, I bet you didn't think she was a fruitcake at 1st either. 

Anything that feels so perfect that quick....hold on for the ride, too much hormones influencing the brain. I always ask people who are convinced they have fallen madly in love -- I ask if theyve had thier 1st fight yet? I feel, until you have a few of those under your belt, learn some conflict resolution, you simply do NOT know each other well enough to even entertain "love". 

Just my 2 cents. Sorry to hear about your divorce Franklin!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

While I agree with maintaining who you are, I disagree with not finding out ways to remedy consistent problems.

It's not like playing the game will make you a player, well, actually it will lol - but you won't lose yourself in the process. Your natural gifts of romanticism, being thoughtful, even empathetic etc etc - can be honed into a skill.

Think of your gifts as blunt swords, sharpening them up isn't making them less of a sword, just more well... dangerous hehe. In this case, dangerous to ladies hehe! After a while it's still you, but a better you.

However, I'm not encouraging you to go out and break hearts, but to be more considerate so you won't go scaring off all the ladies with roses and farting out pretty butterflies outta your ass so to speak.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

It sounds like another guy met her fancy. They shop at that age. 

Doesn't have a lick to do with you.

Don't take it personally.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

She sounds like a spoiled brat that wants what she wants ONLY when she wants it. You said she made it clear she wanted to see you a lot and had to talk to you alot. So at first you were distant trying to feel her out but she was trying to conquer. Then you said you open up and went with it- well this bored her after she conquered you and she didn't wanna play as much as she played initially.

It is a big ole mind game playing thing that some grown people do with relationship. I don't know how long you've been with her but get to know the next person. If they are rushing you faster than you want to go, pump the breaks, make it clear. If a woman can get you to do every thing she wants, some will push and push to see how far they can go. When you never say NO, you become Doormat, pushover, non special, whimpy- - 

You said when you'd try to break it off, she began to cry. She pushes you away but wants to suck you back in after you try to end things. You'd gotten a lot more respect from this type if you would have broken it off, distance yourself and stayed firm on what you want and how you want things to go


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

franklinfx said:


> Oh yeah, she was nutty as a fruitcake, im glad it over, but there was a little bit of every woman ive ever known in her. my wife, all my ex's, they couldnt get enough of my company at 1st, when i couldnt be bothered, so I give in and then they act like Im day old bread. I get the whole "want what they cant have" thing, and of course no woman wants a pantywaste, but sometimes these games get a bit tiring to me, I just wish I could be me. Not have to worry if Im giving too much. I like to give. I like being nice. Do all women want a jerk?


I dont think its all you. If you see all those women as similar, the bottom line is, you are picking the same kind of woman over and over. It shouldnt be bad to start out hot and heavy, if its ok for both, but the preludes to saying "I love you" should not happen as quick as they seem to be happening to you... that part takes time. Its a type you are selecting and attracted to that are hot and cold. Perhaps you would view a stable woman as boring? If you prefer the hot and cold type, you will have to teach yourself how to deal with the drama that IS 100% a part of that kind of relationship. You cant have both ways. So, decide to be ok with not hot and heavy and reframe it as stability instead of boring. Or, strengthen yourself up for the ups and downs of the emotionally "exciting" relationship. The man I married is the emotionally "exciting" kind... and the "comfort zone" doesnt last very long... a week to a month before he has got to unstabilise us and blame me.

The bottom line is: its only part you but who you are choosing and/or attracted to is a bigger player. Examine all your past relationships and really admit to yourself what went wrong or why it ended. I did this and realised I ended things with boring men, didnt know I did it bc of that at the time, but looking back its what made me the most uneasy about being with them... I resented having to pick out clothes for a man (I had a boyfriend who basically wanted a mother stand in... not what I wanted). Another was someone I had the best "relationship with" but he didnt know what he wanted to do with his life and was fine just temping and continue doing what we were doing (which was in retrospect, nice but boring). One was a drinker and spendthrift, but great otherwise. One was inhibited, but fun to hang out with. Thats pretty much it for relationships. The 2 I chose to marry... assertive (ie aggressive) and confident (ie always right)... so I have to instead of ging back to the drawing board with divorce, figure out how to deal with the drama of a narcissist. It took about a year and a half of therapy but now, I can get over the dramatic moments in half a day... and that is when the drama includes physical stuff like being punched or spit on. 

Since you are free to choose at this point, I would suggest getting used to "boring" as stable, and finding pleasure in someone who accepts you as you are, rather than playing games, bc yes, they get old and draining.

Have you ever considered why you are drawn to such dramatic women? You mentioned you like to please... as do I, and I have come to the conclusion that although Im not a diagnosable "codependent," I have similarities to. Perhaps it would help explain why you have chosen dramatic women in your dating history. I have now been with both, and boring looks pretty darn good to me these days. Once I chose drama with my 1st husband, I got duped into it my second marriage (bc he hid it and lied so well). you have a chance to not make the mistake again... self reflect and save yourself from more drama ahead.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

it was one woman, and it sounds like the first one since D?

the more i read in here, the more i realize that in this day and age, a high level of compatability is necessary to make it in a relationship. our society is one of quick disposal and compete selfishness, both genders. not many people want to work too hard at anything.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> it was one woman, and it sounds like the first one since D?
> 
> the more i read in here, the more i realize that in this day and age, a high level of compatability is necessary to make it in a relationship. our society is one of quick disposal and compete selfishness, both genders. not many people want to work too hard at anything.


 
This is why I think people need to read on Narcissism. Narcissistic people are runnin rampant round here.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

shaylady said:


> This is why I think people need to read on Narcissism. Narcissistic people are runnin rampant round here.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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