# My Life Now



## TSurfer (May 16, 2015)

Here's my story. Not sure if this is the right forum for it...

I met my ex-husband at college. We both majored in the same degree & met in class. We both knew it was meant to be. We fell pretty hard & fast for one another. He made me laugh, was my rock, my support system, my true love. He would write notes to me on birthdays, Valentine's Day, & Christmas. The notes would talk of our love for one another, our future together, etc. 

I decided that I wanted to change majors after trying to find a job for 5 years & went into nursing. Nursing school is tough & my stress level was through the roof. I would feel horrible about not spending time with him (we would spend time during school breaks). I worked full time at the hospital & went to school full time. Anyhow, we had some rough life events happen to us & I thought those just made us stronger. My dad unexpectantly passed away/his mom diagnosed with cancer (survived)/his dad diagnosed with cancer (and passed away). He had a health scare & we got through that. This health scare made him depressed, anxious, & his self esteem hit rock bottom. We were together 7 years before he proposed. We got married right before nursing school started. 

Married 3 years & divorced. :-( It came as a shock to me. I realize now that I did everything to get him back that you are not supposed to do. He told me that he didn't mean his vows, he only proposed to me because he thought he was going to die & his parents put him up to it. His sister is going through a rough time & he said that he wants to live this miserable life taking care of her 3 kids & wants me to find someone else, marry them, & be happy. I told him I could not be happy with anyone else.

He also told me that a friend of his saw me out on a day I was supposed to be working with another man & I was all over him (which is a lie). I have never even thought of cheating on him. His cousin told me that he was cheating on me with this girl that his mom had brought in to live with her (which her & her son-the girl has some problems). He denies that & says that he could not be with this girl or her son because they drive him nuts after a few minutes. He would help her out all the time though (she's very needy & can't do things for herself) & spend time with her while I was studying for boards or for tests. 

I want to believe him, but I have my doubts as well because he has never given me the closure I want. We separated in September 2014 & got divorced in November 2014. I talked to his sister & she told me to just agree to the divorce & that there is not a chance he is dating this girl (she is too timid & what not). That he likes a woman that takes charge & knows what she wants. I agreed to the divorce & he thanked me for that (I was going to fight-even had a lawyer). 

What hurts me is that in the divorce papers, the reason for our divorce is because I was emotionally abusive(I did yell a few times, but once I learned that was unhealthy for a relationship I stopped). Is yelling considered emotional abuse? I tried to get him to meet me for coffee one day (in October) & he told me he couldn't see me because he hasn't had to take his anti anxiety meds since the separation & when he talks to me he has to take the meds & he is happier without me. I don't know if he was saying this stuff to hurt me or if he is being truthful. The texts he would send me would be cold & distant. Then one day we texted for almost 3 hours. Then he became cold & distant again. I texted him Merry Christmas (expecting no reply & I did not get one). 

Since then I have not contacted him. I have taken responsibility for my part-my stress is gone now that I have a job I absolutely love & am out of school. I'm back to being my carefree, happy self that made my ex fall in love with me. I finally have my own place. But, I still feel miserable. I never thought that he & I would lose one another. I know the only thing I can do is try to move on, live my life, & maybe we will reconcile. He did tell me that he hated me & he told my sister (not me) that he does not want to reconcile with me. His family is pulling him in 3945683 different directions & he just wants everyone to leave him alone. I feel that he needs to go away for a bit to sort himself out. 

I went to counseling once (the counselor felt I did not need therapy)& go on solo hikes all the time to figure myself out & find myself again. It just hurts that we made these promises to one another & now I feel they may not happen. :-( 

It has been 7 months & I can finally say that I am having more good days than bad. I have finally returned to the happy, carefree, person I was when we met & before nursing school changed me. I still miss him-every day to be honest. I want to believe him that he has not cheated & he is just feeling pressure from his family, the effects of anxiety/depression/low self esteem. And he just thought that by us divorcing, I would be happier without him. I pray that he is working on himself, getting counseling, etc. And that once he can get his life back on track, he will want to meet me & talk. 

Thank you for reading.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TSurfer said:


> I want to believe him, but I have my doubts as well because he has never given me the closure I want.


He cannot give you closure. “Closure” is psychobabble. It means nothing. If there is any “closure” it is you dealing with the reality of all this. He divorced you. He did not want to be married to you. Accept that and build a new life without him. That’s “closure”.


TSurfer said:


> What hurts me is that in the divorce papers, the reason for our divorce is because I was emotionally abusive(I did yell a few times, but once I learned that was unhealthy for a relationship I stopped).
> Is yelling considered emotional abuse?


Yes, yelling can be emotional abuse. However you could have pressured him to change the filing. Or you could have filed a response refuting his accusations. You did not. So it’s there. I doubt anyone will ever look at those divorce papers anyway.



TSurfer said:


> I want to believe him that he has not cheated & he is just feeling pressure from his family, the effects of anxiety/depression/low self esteem. And he just thought that by us divorcing, I would be happier without him. I pray that he is working on himself, getting counseling, etc. And that once he can get his life back on track, he will want to meet me & talk.


Why would you want to be with someone who suffers from anxiety/depression/low self-esteem and who lets his family push him around? Think about that for a bit? What’s so special about a person who cannot even stand up on their own two feel emotionally. You need a man who does not have all this baggage.

Please start building your own life. That means that you get out, meet people, make friends and do things that are fun and interesting. Get out in the world. You can find a better man. Once you do, you will wonder why you were so hung up on this guy who did not treat you very well.

Take a look at the site Find your people - Meetup . You can find all kinds of fun things to do on there. They have hiking groups. You like to hike.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

The end of a marriage is a traumatic life event, just about as traumatic as a death can be. You are mourning the loss, even if the marriage was not all you had hoped for, and may even have been bad for you. Honestly, he does not sound like good material for a lifetime partner, from what you write. The idea of losing what you once had may be much worse than the reality of it.


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## TSurfer (May 16, 2015)

Thank you for reading. 

I should have clarified a few things. Up until his health scare, things were great, wonderful, perfect. I think the anxiety/depression/low self esteem got the best of him. He has always been a kind, compassionate, happy person, always wanting to help others in need. 

I understand something like this can change someone (especially since he refused counseling during it), I just didn't realize it was going to cause him to consider divorce. 

Anyhow, thanks for that site, EleGirl. I do have friends that I go out to lunch/grab coffee with & I go visit my family all the time, I'm getting back out there in the world, but right now, I can not think of meeting someone new until I work on myself.


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