# Bombshell after 25 years of marriage



## ASWGWS (Nov 15, 2010)

My husband of 25 years just dropped a bombshell on me. He's not sure he's in love with me anymore. He's reconnected with an old girlfriend. He says he's really sorry he's hurt me and so forth, and he's agreed to go to counseling. I am just devastated. We have two kids, age 17 and 21, the older one is in college and the other will go next year. This would hurt them so much! I don't know what to do, and feel like I am falling apart. Does anybody have any advice?


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## Belle703 (Nov 14, 2010)

Go to counseling and take your time, don't make any rash decisions. Get as much support from family and friends as you can. I know it's hard but take care of yourself, being blindsided creates a lot of grief! And don't let his stupid decisions make you doubt yourself. The fact of the matter is, unless there's domestic violence, addiction, etc., he made a vow for better or worse and if he doesn't do whatever he can to work it out, he's a cad.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Calling him a cad is of little effect.

See Seven Steps To Ending An Affair?


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

How was the marriage before he told you this news? Were you meeting each others' emotional and sexual needs? Did you fight frequently? Definitely take your time in counseling--it could be that over the years you two have grown apart and become distant with each other. As much as it hurts, I think it will be good to listen to your husband to see what prompted him to act that way. Counseling will be a good place for you to share your feelings as well--although your husband says he's sorry, he might not realize the full extent of his actions and that will be a good place to talk calmly and openly about it.


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## ASWGWS (Nov 15, 2010)

Thank you, all. Apparently things weren't as good as I thought...we never fought, but I think that just means we weren't open enough with each other. We both tend to clam up when there's a disagreement. Belle, you're absolutely right, I was blindsided and am really freaking out. It helps to hear "take your time." Lime, I thought we were, but now it looks like we just didn't realize. It will be interesting to see what comes out in counseling. This hurts so much, and I can't help but think how devastated the kids will be, even though they are older. I've always thought we are a solid foundation for them.


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## Xander (Oct 20, 2010)

First of all, has he cheated on you sexually?

The best thing you can do is to channel his need for freedom and his need to feel alive. Here's what I mean:

1. You must demand that he cut off all contact with the ex-. If he hasn't slept with her yet, he will. Exes are the most likely co-adulterers in any relationship.

2. Within that single boundary, you need to take a step back and let him taste some freedom of some kind. That does not mean give him permission to pursue a pre-approved hobby -- that defeats the point. What I mean is, tell him "I don't care what you do. But you may not see her." 

Your natural instinct right now will be to smother him -- resist that urge. Crushes and wandering eyes are about one thing only: feeling alive. Because theoretically, he could have sex with you. That proves that this is just about feeling something different. 

3. Become your own person (again). Get yourself to a gym. Develop your own life. Go out with friends, dress a little sexier, and start flirting with him -- BUT DON'T GROVEL. Make yourself seem like a babe worth pursuing, and he will pursue you. After a while, he will likely see you in a new light again. It could even lead to a little crush.

You have to figure out a way to walk the line that of the marriage dilemma: people are programmed to get into monogamous relationships but also to sleep around as much as possible. The way to reconcile the dilemma is to date more, try things that are new, and build a little fun into everyday life.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

The fact that he told you and agreed to counseling is a big step on his part. It means he's aware that this could lead to something more and perhaps he doesn't really want to go there but this was a wake-up call for him and now you too.

I would be freaking out too - so you're not alone there. I think we all "fear" this might happen to one of us someday, and it could.

I've been told by my counselor that the challenges, arguments, etc., are what bring passion and cause each partner to grow individually and in the marriage. So you have a point there.

Take your time, think things through slowly and clearly and not in an emotional state and use those counseling sessions - this might be all you need to turn things around - get issues out in the open, work on them and be more open with each other on unmet needs, etc.

Good luck and keep us posted. :smthumbup:


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## Glacialiceland (Nov 14, 2010)

I have only been married for 2 yrs but I think its normal to fall in and out of love doesnt mean you dont love each other its like a plant some times the leaves get a little dry you just need a little water and TLC, he might be going through a midlife crises, but if he thinks the grass is greener on the other side he will be sorry because its not and he will replicate is life as an old fart, good luck.


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## ASWGWS (Nov 15, 2010)

So we had our first counseling session yesterday. He admitted the affair, said that she's a woman he dated when he was much younger, and he never stopped loving her. (I reminded him that she cheated on him and dumped him, which is why the relationship ended.) Also, I read a few articles on midlife crisis and I'm convinced that's what's happening. Anyway, mostly it was positive, we got some things out in the open. He said he's not sure if he wants to save the marriage, not sure he wants to cut ties with the OW, but at least he's considering it.


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## RJHT (Nov 18, 2010)

I think it was good he came clean and was willing to work on your marriage. I also think it is good that you reminded him of what went wrong in the relationship with the ex before, because it will happen again if he picks her. I think it is also good if you remind him of what he has with you not just now but the future you too can have. I think you need to remind him of how you feel about your life together and about the children. Showing him that you are willing to fight for him!
Just be carefull not to be a doormat that if he chooses to go with her and things don't work out there is NO coming back.
If you have a good councelor then he will hopefully point your husband in your direction and show him that cutting ties with the OW is the best for preserving his life with you and the kids.


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