# Too much guy time? Or am I just selfish



## Lost123 (May 27, 2013)

So I'm unsure if I'm being selfish/needy or if indeed it is too much guy time. My husband plays poker 3-4 times a week. My concern is that we don't spend time together. He usually gets home from work takes a nap, and then poker. Usually he won't return home until midnight. On the non poker days he hang out with his brother. When I complain then he says we do spend time together, he counts sleeping together and the brief 15 minutes before bed time as time together. Weekends he sleeps for the most part and plays video games when he is home. I have thrown fits about it since it sucks that he's not around. So he usually responds by "you don't want to see me happy". Which triggers my guilt. I know he's not cheating so it's not that. Any advice or comments appreciate it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah it seems excessive but just have a sit down. Instead of just sleeping and playing videogames, plan something fun for BOTH of you to do on the weekends. Couples need fun time together.


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## Lost123 (May 27, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Yeah it seems excessive but just have a sit down. Instead of just sleeping and playing videogames, plan something fun for BOTH of you to do on the weekends. Couples need fun time together.


I have. Last time I planned us a flight lesson. The time before that zip lining (I'm terrified of heights) , wake boarding, jet skiing, paint-balling . I plan romantic evenings. Everything and anything pretty much. I'm tired of me having to be nagging. I do occupy myself and go out w friends, but I want to spend time with him. For instance last week we spent 4 hrs on Sunday together and that's it. The rest of the days he had "guy time"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ooh flight lesson sounds fun! (I am a huge fan).

Sounds like you have a lot of great ideas. 

Just tell him straight up "Look, I get that you enjoy spending time with your friends, but i want you for myself too so we can have a hot date night together and do fun activities. It will make me really happy!" Then smile and wink at him with that come-hitherto-look.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

For a marriage to be successful, you need to spend more quality time together. I assume you have no kids at the moment. If you did then it will only get worse. Three to four nights/week to play poker for an entire evening to night is excessive for a marriage.

Is your husband the only one in the group that is married?


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## Lost123 (May 27, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Ooh flight lesson sounds fun! (I am a huge fan).
> 
> Sounds like you have a lot of great ideas.
> 
> Just tell him straight up "Look, I get that you enjoy spending time with your friends, but i want you for myself too so we can have a hot date night together and do fun activities. It will make me really happy!" Then smile and wink at him with that come-hitherto-look.


Haha you made me laugh. I wish that would work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lost123 (May 27, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> For a marriage to be successful, you need to spend more quality time together. I assume you have no kids at the moment. If you did then it will only get worse. Three to four nights/week to play poker for an entire evening to night is excessive for a marriage.
> 
> Is your husband the only one in the group that is married?


His poker group is primarily of retired people. Some are married. However, he isn't friends with any of them. He only plays with them small talk and that's it. That's why I don't understand what's with the fascination of playing so often since none of his friends play.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

How long have you been married?...

I went from total guy time to total wife time in zero seconds flat...

She had parts they didn't, and was LOTS more fun....

Your husband is putting your marriage in jeopardy......

Quality time together is absolutely essential to a good marriage....

You are doing everything right, and it isn't clicking with him.....

The only thing I can think of is making yourself TOTALLY unavailable...

Always be OUT when he comes home...Make him wonder WTF is going on with you...

Take a class or go to the gym, just don't let him know where you are...

It might get his attention.....


the woodchuck


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Try "arousing" him from his nap a little early (wink wink) make it worth his while to miss Poker. If he prefer a bunch of retired men over a romp with you then maybe you should follow him to make sure it not strip poker with a different set of players.


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## Lost123 (May 27, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> How long have you been married?...
> 
> I went from total guy time to total wife time in zero seconds flat...
> 
> ...


We've been married for almost 2 years. I have been doing so lately, I've been out all the time. Sometimes I go to a friends house and watch movies just so I won't go home until after he does that way he'll know how it feels. Unfortunately, nothing, I get home and he's sleeping.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lost123 (May 27, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Try "arousing" him from his nap a little early (wink wink) make it worth his while to miss Poker. If he prefer a bunch of retired men over a romp with you then maybe you should follow him to make sure it not strip poker with a different set of players.


Sex is pretty much out of the question. He always has a headache, or stomachache, tired, doesn't feel like it. I got tired of begging so I got a toy ( I don't use around him) . But that's a whole other issue. 

I stay in shape, I wear sexy stuff to bed in hopes but nope nothing. 

No strip poker. I've gone a couple of times in order to spend time w him even if I don't like poker. But games are 4-5 hrs long. It's too long for my liking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

From what you've told us you're not being selfish at all. In fact I would say your husband is taking your relationship for granted. It doesn't appear he's putting any effort into it whatsoever. I think you need to decided what you're prepared to accept in your marriage. The longer it goes on as it is the more difficult it will become to change.


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## Lost123 (May 27, 2013)

MaritimeGuy said:


> From what you've told us you're not being selfish at all. In fact I would say your husband is taking your relationship for granted. It doesn't appear he's putting any effort into it whatsoever. I think you need to decided what you're prepared to accept in your marriage. The longer it goes on as it is the more difficult it will become to change.


I just don't want to see him unhappy and Betty downer all the time. What's a good time frame for guy time. I know it's something I have to measure but I don't know, never been in this situations. Past relationships the guy has never asked for guy time or anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

There is no magical number for guy time. It has to be something you are both comfortable with and you are obviously not comfortable now. Why doesn't he want to spend time with you? Why would hanging out with a bunch of retired guys make him more happy than hanging out with his wife? Something is seriously wrong with that.

My H rarely goes out with his "guy" friends. Maybe once a month, barely even that. Usually he would rather that we all hang out as couples.

Does he have a gambling problem?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Lost123 said:


> So I'm unsure if I'm being selfish/needy or if indeed it is too much guy time. My husband plays poker 3-4 times a week. My concern is that we don't spend time together. He usually gets home from work takes a nap, and then poker. Usually he won't return home until midnight. On the non poker days he hang out with his brother. When I complain then he says we do spend time together, he counts sleeping together and the brief 15 minutes before bed time as time together. Weekends he sleeps for the most part and plays video games when he is home. I have thrown fits about it since it sucks that he's not around. So he usually responds by "you don't want to see me happy". Which triggers my guilt. I know he's not cheating so it's not that. Any advice or comments appreciate it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Excessive. I thinlk even weekly is a bit too much but it comes down to the couple coming first. Basically I suggest you make sure that your time together comes off of the top. First. If there is time after that then fine. Some say that you need in the order of 15 hours of quaility one one one time together.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Lost123 said:


> His poker group is primarily of retired people. Some are married. However, he isn't friends with any of them. He only plays with them small talk and that's it. That's why I don't understand what's with the fascination of playing so often since none of his friends play.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He is addicted to this. Do they gamble?


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I had the same problem; it actually led me to my current state not living with my spouse, but this is how I handled it:

"[Name], I am so happy you're going out and having a good time with your friends, but I feel like I don't get to hang out with you as much anymore. We're married and I like spending time with you. Would you be okay with maybe only hanging out with the guys x days a week?"

I chose 2 days, to include weekend days. Think about it, there's a reason married men make such a big deal out of having "guys night out"! It's not an every day occurence.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Lost123 said:


> I just don't want to see him unhappy and Betty downer all the time. What's a good time frame for guy time. I know it's something I have to measure but I don't know, never been in this situations. Past relationships the guy has never asked for guy time or anything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think with no kids guy time 2 or 3 X month all other things being normal (no work travel or long hours) if he already have long work hours and travel, maybe once a month


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Lost123 said:


> We've been married for almost 2 years. I have been doing so lately, I've been out all the time. Sometimes I go to a friends house and watch movies just so I won't go home until after he does that way he'll know how it feels. Unfortunately, nothing, I get home and he's sleeping.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So it has escalated to resentment and you are trying to cause him some pain to reach him. I get it. But this is a spiralling escalatuion of hurt and power games.

Do His Needs Her Needs together. Basically you are going to have to assert your boundaries. Being passive agressive is NOT the answer.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I would suggest once a week is reasonable.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Lost123 said:


> Sex is pretty much out of the question. He always has a headache, or stomachache, tired, doesn't feel like it. I got tired of begging so I got a toy ( I don't use around him) . But that's a whole other issue.
> 
> I stay in shape, I wear sexy stuff to bed in hopes but nope nothing.
> 
> ...


Married two years. No sex. He is gone all the time. Are you sure he is not getting some on the side? 

Anyway, this does not sound like the guy you are looking for. Start thinking about fixing this with urgency and about your exit strategy.

His guy time is to avoid being initimate with you. Why are you guys married?


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## Lost123 (May 27, 2013)

justonelife said:


> There is no magical number for guy time. It has to be something you are both comfortable with and you are obviously not comfortable now. Why doesn't he want to spend time with you? Why would hanging out with a bunch of retired guys make him more happy than hanging out with his wife? Something is seriously wrong with that.
> 
> My H rarely goes out with his "guy" friends. Maybe once a month, barely even that. Usually he would rather that we all hang out as couples.
> 
> Does he have a gambling problem?


They don't play with money as its illegal in the state. It's just for prizes, gift cards/ movie tickets, etc. I have brought up the thought of him being addicted to his playing, but I end up as the bad psycho wife who doesn't want to see him happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Lost123 said:


> They don't play with money as its illegal in the state. It's just for prizes, gift cards/ movie tickets, etc. I have brought up the thought of him being addicted to his playing, but I end up as the *bad psycho wife who doesn't want to see him happy.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do not accept this. This is a problem because you are letting him guilt you. Stop doing that. Do His Needs Her Needs and establish boundaries. Then stick by them.

Right now you do not have a marriage IMO. You need intimacy and you need to be meeting each others needs.

You are being too NICE.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Married two years. No sex. He is gone all the time. Are you sure he is not getting some on the side?
> 
> Anyway, this does not sound like the guy you are looking for. Start thinking about fixing this with urgency and about your exit strategy.
> 
> His guy time is to avoid being initimate with you. Why are you guys married?


Her first post give more insight. Seem like she will have to decide if she will put up with it or move on


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## Lost123 (May 27, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> Married two years. No sex. He is gone all the time. Are you sure he is not getting some on the side?
> 
> Anyway, this does not sound like the guy you are looking for. Start thinking about fixing this with urgency and about your exit strategy.
> 
> His guy time is to avoid being initimate with you. Why are you guys married?


I know he's not sleeping with anyone else since he is only at poker or working or sleeping. A lady i know works at the poker place he goes, and she even says he's a frequent customer. 

I don't try to have sex with him no more. I mean I'll wear provocative things around the house sometimes but that's in hopes but I don't mention anything. I don't want to make him feel bad for his LD. I love him deeply I want us to work. I have asked him if he doesn't find me attractive or maybe if he thinks taking a long vacation together or apart might help. He says no that he doesn't want me or him to leave or be apart that he loves me and he is attracted to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I've just got to ask - what are you getting out of this relationship?

The guy refuses to have sex with you, and doesn't really want to spend time with you. When you bring up the seriousness of the issue he minimizes it and makes you seem like the bad guy. 

It's only two years in - this is bad.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

At this point, you're little more than legally entangled roommates. As such, roommates don't do each others laundry or cook for one another or plan exciting adventures. 

Stop whatever it is that you're doing for him and let him remember what it's truly like to be single. A wife isn't something you take down from the shelf and dust off as it suits you.


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## Lost123 (May 27, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> So it has escalated to resnetment and you are trying to cause him some pain to reach him. I get it. But this is s spiralling escalatuion of hurt and power games.
> 
> Do His Needs Her Needs together. Basically you are going to have to assert your boundaries. Being passive agressive is NOT the answer.


I know it's not right to try to teach him a lesson like a child or to try to inflict him pain or anything in order to get my point across. However, I've run out of way to tell him. I've tried the understanding wife, crazy and just plain pissed and nothing. He says fine he won't go anymore, and then just lays down or sits like a disgruntled child and pouts. Sometimes he stays like that or other he just says your not my owner and your selfish its only your way or no way and so on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Was he doing poker this often before you were married?


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## Lost123 (May 27, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> I've just got to ask - what are you getting out of this relationship?
> 
> The guy refuses to have sex with you, and doesn't really want to spend time with you. When you bring up the seriousness of the issue he minimizes it and makes you seem like the bad guy.
> 
> It's only two years in - this is bad.


I love him, I want us to work. That's what keeps me in the marriage. However, it's tough it's an uphill battle. I just don't want to give an ultimatum that I won't be going through with if it doesn't resolve the issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lost123 (May 27, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> Was he doing poker this often before you were married?




Not at all! I stupidly introduced him to this place in order to get him to lay off his day and night addiction of video games. Just thought I'd be a good change never thought it would come to this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

"Honey, I feel disconnected from you when you are away from the house so much. I need time together with you to feel connected to you. I worry that our marriage is in jeopardy if we don't make some changes immediately. I love you and want you to be happy. I also want to be happy too, and right now, I'm not. What can we do to fix this?"

Can you try something like the above statement when he's home with you and not grumpy? What was your life with him like before you married? What did the two of you do together for fun?


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## Lost123 (May 27, 2013)

Leahdorus said:


> "Honey, I feel disconnected from you when you are away from the house so much. I need time together with you to feel connected to you. I worry that our marriage is in jeopardy if we don't make some changes immediately. I love you and want you to be happy. I also want to be happy too, and right now, I'm not. What can we do to fix this?"
> 
> Can you try something like the above statement when he's home with you and not grumpy? What was your life with him like before you married? What did the two of you do together for fun?


Ill try anything. Ill try it tonight when he gets home. Before we were married he would often surprise me take me different places. Always in a good mood, just happy. Yes, sometimes I feel as if he thinks that he doesn't have to try or do anything since we are married. No more flowers or gifts or compliments. It does hurt and a lot. I surprise him as often as possible and tell him that I want to be surprised and know I'm thought of. He just says he's not good at that kind of stuff. Which isn't true since he used to do it. Maybe he realized he doesn't like being married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

3 to 4 times a week playing poker and on the non-poker nights he hangs out with his brother? Yes, IMO, that is excessive and doesn't leave much quality time for you as a couple...

It isn't a case of you not wanting to see him happy, it's more a case of you wanting the two of you to be happy as a couple. Nothing selfish about that, OP.

Time to sit him down and plan activities that you can both enjoy.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Lost123 said:


> Not at all! I stupidly introduced him to this place in order to get him to lay off his day and night addiction of video games. Just thought I'd be a good change never thought it would come to this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ah, so he WAS like this when you got married. He just had a different "drug" of choice.

I divorced a video game addict. I don't know what else to tell you other than to say to him "If playing poker makes you happier than spending time with me, I'm willing to make you permanently happy. Bye bye."


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## Lost123 (May 27, 2013)

justonelife said:


> Ah, so he WAS like this when you got married. He just had a different "drug" of choice.
> 
> I divorced a video game addict. I don't know what else to tell you other than to say to him "If playing poker makes you happier than spending time with me, I'm willing to make you permanently happy. Bye bye."


I think there's a confusion. Before we were married he had no addictions or anything. His obsession with video games started this January and then the poker.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

So what do you think changed in January?

Other than that, my advice is the same. Playing poker and video games should not make him happier than spending time with his wife. If it does, then you will have to either accept that or not. Your choice.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Lost123 said:


> I think there's a confusion. Before we were married he had no addictions or anything. His obsession with video games started this January and then the poker.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You love him and want to stay with him so that is your choice. No one can argue with you about that as he is not abusing you physical or committing adultery as far as you know. But you have to ask yourself if you can live with this forever because he might never change. I hope at some point you can find happiness in your marriage.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Too much guy time? Just a little.(sarcasm).
A wife willing to spend time and share her goodies OR a bunch of retired old guys playing cards....hmmm difficult decision....

One thing where he is really falling down here, is poker/cards/gaming can be unisex and you can both be involved with other couples and enjoy the social events together.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

There is definitely something going on here in your H's head. Something changed. But before you can try to actually fix this issue, you will need to rule out the possibility that your H is not having an affair. Have you verified - more than once - that he's where he says he is? With the video game addiction in January, it may not have been the game itself so much as the ability to communicate with other players if it's a web based game or if it's like WOW. He may have hooked up with someone emotionally thru the game and then moved it into something more serious. I'm not trying to scare you, but these things can happen. I'm assuming the two of you are in your 20s to early 30s. A guy that young should NOT have lost interest in his wife - especially if you have solid looks. I would have had sex with my wife daily in my early 20s if she was up for it. That may be a little excessive from the typical guy, but I'm sure in his 20s he SHOULD want sex at least 3 times a week.

Let's assume for the moment that you ruled out cheating after doing an investigation. What types of life changing events happened around January that could explain this major change? Did you have a major fight that was of a serious nature? Did you have an emotional or physical affair that he discovered? Did he lose a job, get demoted or possibly developed a hatred for his job? Is there something you do that he resents you for greatly? It seems like he is going way out of his way to avoid spending time with you. I think it's deliberate and calculated on his part - almost like he's trying to get you to serve him with divorce papers.


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## Lost123 (May 27, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> There is definitely something going on here in your H's head. Something changed. But before you can try to actually fix this issue, you will need to rule out the possibility that your H is not having an affair. Have you verified - more than once - that he's where he says he is? With the video game addiction in January, it may not have been the game itself so much as the ability to communicate with other players if it's a web based game or if it's like WOW. He may have hooked up with someone emotionally thru the game and then moved it into something more serious. I'm not trying to scare you, but these things can happen. I'm assuming the two of you are in your 20s to early 30s. A guy that young should NOT have lost interest in his wife - especially if you have solid looks. I would have had sex with my wife daily in my early 20s if she was up for it. That may be a little excessive from the typical guy, but I'm sure in his 20s he SHOULD want sex at least 3 times a week.
> 
> 
> Let's assume for the moment that you ruled out cheating after doing an investigation. What types of life changing events happened around January that could explain this major change? Did you have a major fight that was of a serious nature? Did you have an emotional or physical affair that he discovered? Did he lose a job, get demoted or possibly developed a hatred for his job? Is there something you do that he resents you for greatly? It seems like he is going way out of his way to avoid spending time with you. I think it's deliberate and calculated on his part - almost like he's trying to get you to serve him with divorce papers.




Nothing bad has happened, he actually got a good job after being unemployed for a while. He recently graduated MBA. Everything is good career wise. Fights, like any other couple. However, i have asked if he doesnt want to be with me or wants time off. I've told him I dont want you to be with me if you dont want to. I rather be heartbroken than live a lie. If he wants us to get divorced just for him to say and i wont fight, ill let him go if he feels hell be happy without me even if it kills me inside. He says thats the last thing he would ever want to do. 

I have never cheated on him or given him any reason to think i have. Him cheating did run through my head, it hurts to admit. But he isnt completely ruled out. When he plays video games its usually with his younger brothers when their online or just random people. (BlackOps). 


BTW Thanks for the help


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Why do YOU think he would rather play games than spend time with his wife? Why does this make him happy and time with you doesn't make him happy?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why are you even married if he has a reason to be away from you every single night? Hell yeah it's excessive! Once a week is bordering on excessive. Find out what it is about marriage he's not happy about.

And read His Needs Her Needs.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lost123 said:


> I've told him I dont want you to be with me if you dont want to. I rather be heartbroken than live a lie. If he wants us to get divorced just for him to say and i wont fight


You're going about this all wrong. That is needy and unattractive. Better to say 'I married you so we could be a couple, but it looks like you'd rather be anywhere than with me. And that's not a marriage to me. So if you don't want to change this, I will make plans to move out.'


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

He sounds like he's avoiding you. 



> Sex is pretty much out of the question. He always has a headache, or stomachache, tired, doesn't feel like it. I got tired of begging so I got a toy ( I don't use around him) . But that's a whole other issue.


He doesn't sound interested in being married any longer. He favors his guy time and poker over you.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Dear Lost … I really do feel your pain. I was in a similar situation 23 years ago, i.e. 3 years into the marriage, husband “went off” sex and spent all his time gaming on his new computer. He went to work, came home and ate dinner and, then it was off to the computer until the wee hours of the morning.

*You are doing exactly what I did and it is a mistake.* I shared my concerns with my H, asked what I could do differently with no results and then, I begged and pleaded with no results. I tried to figure out what had changed, what he was thinking, what I could do differently, ad nauseum and for years. The only result I achieved was wasted years in a sexless and lonely marriage.

I have read both of your threads and unfortunately it sounds like you married an* extremely self-involved man*. It’s not you, it’s him; your relationship is not a marriage; this is not your fault, he is the one that is behaving as if he is unmarried. Go back and read that again. You are focusing too much time on him, his behavior and his thinking and you need to stop. Focus on you, your needs and want you want in life; focus on his behavior and not his words because the behavior is telling you the truth.

If I were in your situation (or if I could go back in time in mine) I would move out and have him served with divorce papers. This is the only way to “wake him up” if he can be woken up. If he then decides he wants the marriage and makes the changes in his behavior required to be in a marriage then you can stop the divorce. If not, move on and find a man who wants a true marriage with mutuality and interdependence.

One more thing, *do not have children *with this man because you will be a virtual single parent.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Lost123 said:


> I know he's not sleeping with anyone else since he is only at poker or working or sleeping. A lady i know works at the poker place he goes, and she even says he's a frequent customer.
> 
> I don't try to have sex with him no more. I mean I'll wear provocative things around the house sometimes but that's in hopes but I don't mention anything. I don't want to make him feel bad for his LD. I love him deeply I want us to work. I have asked him if he doesn't find me attractive or maybe if he thinks taking a long vacation together or apart might help. He says no that he doesn't want me or him to leave or be apart that he loves me and he is attracted to me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So he has low testosterone? There are treatments for this. Does he have ED?

Maybe he is avoiding sex because of this.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Lost123 said:


> I know it's not right to try to teach him a lesson like a child or to try to inflict him pain or anything in order to get my point across. However, I've run out of way to tell him. I've tried the understanding wife, crazy and just plain pissed and nothing. He says fine he won't go anymore, and then just lays down or sits like a disgruntled child and pouts. Sometimes he stays like that or other he just says your not my owner and your selfish its only your way or no way and so on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh, I do understand where you are coming from. I am just saying you have to assert your boundaries in other ways. You may have to move on.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Lost123 said:


> Not at all! I stupidly introduced him to this place in order to get him to lay off his day and night addiction of video games. Just thought I'd be a good change never thought it would come to this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok he has real issues if he is all about escape. Going out four nights a week and playing video games all the time is someone who has some emotional issues. Serious depression issues. 

Does he work? Is he motivated to achieve? He sounds like a slug. Not trying to be mean. But what does he do for you?

I get that you love him. You could be in love with a guy that loves you back you know. It is way more satisfying. I am not trying to be sarcastic here. I am saying it sounds like you are wanting to be married and he either does not want to or is incapable of a relationship.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Lost123 said:


> Nothing bad has happened, he actually got a good job after being unemployed for a while.
> 
> *BINGO -- big change.*
> 
> ...


So there has been a great change!!!

Ok, so did you put him through school? You supported him and now he is working? 

Does he like work? He seems very bored.

I think you need to find out what is going on here. These changes have messed with his head.


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## Lost123 (May 27, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> So there has been a great change!!!
> 
> Ok, so did you put him through school? You supported him and now he is working?
> 
> ...


I supported his decision on being in school and helped him with most of the work itself. He currently works but is unhappy with the pay. 

I tried to talk to him right now and he says that he needs his time to be happy. To which i got offended, as if i was just a insignificant person. He refuses to cut down on the amount of time he spends playing.he admitted he would play all week but he cant bc i would die and fight with him. He asked me give him a week in which he can prove that he can make both work.the poker and our marriage w out cutting back on the playing. Now im more angry. Help!


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Lost123 said:


> I tried to talk to him right now and he says that he needs his time to be happy.


Ask him: Then why did you get married?



Lost123 said:


> He refuses to cut down on the amount of time he spends playing.


To which you say: And I refuse to be the only person in this marriage.



Lost123 said:


> He asked me give him a week in which he can prove that he can make both work.the poker and our marriage w out cutting back on the playing.


It doesn't work this way. His playing IS the problem so he can't make both work. Marriage takes a lot of things and one of them is TIME. He can't give you enough of his time if he's spending so much time playing poker. It is simply impossible.

Again, you are letting him call the shots. Turn it around. "Husband, I understand that we all need time for ourselves. I'm willing to allow one evening per week. Any more than that is not acceptable to me in a marriage."

If you just accept this, then you will never get out of this situation. You can't change him. You can only set boundaries for YOURSELF and hope he can meet them. If not, then you make a new choice for yourself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Give him the week. Give him more. Tell him he has until Saturday morning the 10th. Because that will give you plenty of time to pack his stuff on Saturday if things don't change.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

How is he planning on working on the marriage when he is never there? Or is he planning on you and he never sleeping to get couple time?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

quit begging him for his time. he is selfish and you will struggle with this forever. time to decide if you want a lifetime of this or throw in the towel.


you sound like a great partner find someone who realises what a gem you really are. don't worry about him he dropped the ball and dosn't make the grade. time to upgrade to a quality person.

JMHO


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Op, your husband sounds a bit like mine. He's not an "addict" in the traditional sense. There are no cocaine overdoses, no DUIs, no too drunk to go to work mornings, no lost the rent money and into a loan shark for eight grand nights. But, nevertheless, he is addicted to the escapism that his poker and gaming provide. He needs the rush, the thrill, the competition, the adrenaline high, the escape from reality, the total, all-consuming, other-ness of focusing completely on the card game or the video game. 

He sees you as the enemy of him getting the "fix" he needs. He thinks you're selfish for wanting to take him away from what he'd rather spend his time on. The gaming is the priority. You're there for logistical support - as a maid, a cook, a laundress, help with the rent - not as a partner. The gaming, and whatever else he's doing to feed his ego and get his "fix" is quite simply more important to him that you are. My guess is he probably also has other areas where he's very deeply self-involved. And as long as he's feeding his addiction, you will never - ever - come first. His life will always be about himself and his "needs" and his fix and what he wants.

Because he's an addict. Even if he never get's busted, or goes bankrupt, or any of the other stereotypical stuff you probably think would mean he was really an addict. He's an addict.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

First of all, you need to accept that he is not a good husband right now. He does NOT want to spend time with you. He is selfish & only cares about his "happiness."

I don't think he's cheating. I DO think you are a "check in the box" to him:

Job - check
House - check
Wife - check

Him: "Now that all my boxes are checked, I am free to do all of the things I really want to do - play poker, video games, etc."

Be careful - the next box that these types of men want to check is children. He may not be Father material which isn't fair to a child.

I wish I could help you but it sounds like you are trying everything short of leaving him.

I've known husbands like him. Sometimes they "grow up" but not always.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Lost123 said:


> Sex is pretty much out of the question. He always has a headache, or stomachache, tired, doesn't feel like it. I got tired of begging so I got a toy ( I don't use around him) . But that's a whole other issue.
> 
> I stay in shape, I wear sexy stuff to bed in hopes but nope nothing.
> 
> ...


It is possible that he is gay...Lots of gay men marry to help them stay closeted...If not he is hopelessly LD......My wife complains about wanting more interaction with me, even when I am just wearing headphones listening to music.....

the woodchuck


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Emerald said:


> I've known husbands like him. Sometimes they "grow up" but not always.


 And they NEVER do unless the wife moves the bar higher.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think he just married you for the convenience. I know lots of men who just want a woman to replace their mother - feed him, clothe him, clean for him, and just let him live his freakin' life the way he wants to, for God's sake!

How did his mom take care of him?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Lost123 said:


> I just don't want to give an ultimatum that I won't be going through with if it doesn't resolve the issue.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree you should never give an ultimatum unless you're prepared to follow through. If you get called on it you lose all credibility. You're better off not saying anything.

I'm wondering if the solution is turning your focus away from his actions and turning it in on yourself. Learn how to be happy without him (as apparently he's not really there for you anyhow). Maybe once you achieve that you will be able to issue him an ultimatum you can follow through on.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Lost123 said:


> What's a good time frame for guy time. I know it's something I have to measure but I don't know, never been in this situations. Past relationships the guy has never asked for guy time or anything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



That's not a great question to ask on TAM, where many wives and husbands claim they have no friends outside their marriage. I remember in another thread, one woman said that only once a month was a reasonable amount of time for husbands to go out with friends! Seriously?

1-2 nights a week with his friends is probably reasonable, but the actual amount should be whatever you *both* are comfortable with, and it's pretty clear that you are not comfortable with this situation. Whatever time frame is, he should be able to spend at least an equal amount of time with you, right? *And time spent sleeping doesn't count!!*


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Lost123 said:


> "you don't want to see me happy". Which triggers my guilt. I know he's not cheating so it's not that. Any advice or comments appreciate it.


That's a good one. I'm going to start doing my wife's little sister. When she complains I am going to use this "you don't want to see me happy" line.


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