# Not alone, but lonely



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Have you ever felt terribly lonely, even when you aren't entirely alone? My husband makes me feel this way.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

The loneliest I've ever been was when my husband and I were having problems. I felt like I was living with a total stranger and I didn't have anyone to talk to about it.

I hope things get better for you soon. Are you seeing a counselor or anything to work on your issues?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Yes, I lived with a husband who made me feel this way for almost 10 years. It is worse than being alone; that I can handle. I watched the man I loved, more than anyone in this world, lose his body, mind, job, and sanity to alcoholism. It was a living hell. It was a train wreck in slow motion.

Is there anything we can do to help you or support you? You sound lonely and hurting to me.


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

ku1980rose said:


> Have you ever felt terribly lonely, even when you aren't entirely alone? My husband makes me feel this way.


I can completely relate. Yes....my wife has made me feel this way for years. I don't have a solution for you...sorry. Can you get him to MC?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

We tried seeing a counselor, but it was a total disaster. Don't know if it was the counselor or us. I would get very frustrated because my husband would talk the talk in counseling, but never seemed to take anything home. Plus, he'd spend most of the session crying. He also did counseling alone, but declared himself "fixed" after a few months. He's still the same. Very codependent, has issues with his mother he needs to deal with. I've posted my story on here before, just thinking about the loneliness of it all tonight.

My husband pulls the silent treatment whenever I bring up something he is uncomfortable talking about, which is pretty much anything serious, or anything about our marriage.

I'm looking at leaving soon because things haven't changed and I've given him the ultimatums already.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

ku1980rose said:


> We tried seeing a counselor, but it was a total disaster. Don't know if it was the counselor or us. I would get very frustrated because my husband would talk the talk in counseling, but never seemed to take anything home. Plus, he'd spend most of the session crying. He also did counseling alone, but declared himself "fixed" after a few months. He's still the same. Very codependent, has issues with his mother he needs to deal with. I've posted my story on here before, just thinking about the loneliness of it all tonight.
> 
> My husband pulls the silent treatment whenever I bring up something he is uncomfortable talking about, which is pretty much anything serious, or anything about our marriage.
> 
> I'm looking at leaving soon because things haven't changed and I've given him the ultimatums already.


I'm sorry to hear that counseling didn't work and that he won't talk to you about the issues in your marriage. Hope leaving doesn't end up being your only option but if it is it sounds like you've done more than your share to try to fix things.

I hope your night gets better. Keep your chin up!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ku1980rose said:


> my husband would talk the talk in counseling, but never seemed to take anything home.
> 
> My husband pulls the silent treatment whenever I bring up something he is uncomfortable talking about, which is pretty much anything serious, or anything about our marriage.


I lived with this nonsense. We would go into a counseling session, and hubs would act all innocent and pure; kinda like, "What do you mean?" After about four sessions, the counselor pronounced, "We now have to discuss your drinking, C." Guess what? Hubs claimed to have after-work meetings the next three sessions. Bull. He worked for the federal government - they don't have overtime anything, unless it is happy hour!

Everything - my feelings, his feelings, his addiction, my cancer, our marriage issues - it was ALL off the table.

When a partner declares, aloud or silently, that all discussions are off the table, get ready to pack it in and leave. I did. We are now 2,700 miles apart. He got sober. I got sane. I doubt we'll ever cohabitate again, due to his inability (it seems that way to me) to discuss issues. I can't live with someone whose trump card is fear of feelings.

If you can't talk about issues - your's, his, or both - then you don't have a marriage. It just boils down to being all about appearances, and some people can live with that nonsense. I cannot.


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## rotor (Aug 28, 2010)

Yes, I often question whether it is better to be single and alone or married and lonely. The former is looking better all the time.

Regards,

rotor


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

rotor said:


> Yes, I often question whether it is better to be single and alone or married and lonely. The former is looking better all the time.
> 
> Regards,
> 
> rotor


yes, single and alone never hurt as much as this.


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## rotor (Aug 28, 2010)

I hear that, I think the worst part is when someone will absolutely not communicate with you about anything of importance despite your repeated efforts. After years of no answers you start to wonder who is this person?

Cheers,

rotor


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

***hug***

I am sorry you are hurting.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Well, I've tried giving him ultimatums, but - when EVERY topic is off the table, it's hard to even tell him those things. I finally went out and asked him why he hadn't talked to me all day, and - of course - he blames me for that. I came home from Christmas break to find a letter in the mail that my insurance is dropping me. I've been a little depressed all day about it, but instead of him comforting me, he has ignored me more and more. When I bring that up, he says that I just make everything his fault and he's tired of the bit*****. I don't know how else to make him understand. I've tried his game of ignoring things. I haven't brought ANYTHING up for at least a month until yesterday. If you don't deal with problems, how do they ever get better????? You can't ignore everything, especially when it's hurting your entire relationship.

I've told him I'm leaving in January. He says "that's fine. I told you to do whatever you want." Then he throws a fit and start stomping and throwing things around. Now that I brought that up again, I will continue to get the silent treatment for at least another day or two.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

BTDT.... 

Hang in there. Figure out what you want. Do it on your own time. Start a journal... go to counseling without him. 

Some marriages SHOULD end.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I hope you leave. He's very immature and not husband material. It's emotional abuse, what he's doing to you...and you deserve better.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

that_girl said:


> I hope you leave. He's very immature and not husband material. It's emotional abuse, what he's doing to you...and you deserve better.


Thank you. I agree. It's just hard to go through the leaving process. And it's hard when I know that he will do everything in his power to make me feel bad about it. I can already tell you he will cry and go into a depression when I leave and probably call and text me constantly. That way, it is all my fault for hurting him. He'll play on my emotions that way. And, he usually likes to say, "I thought you would never divorce me". But, this is not a marriage and I've been on here for a year now saying this. I guess I tried to give it time, but a year later, we are still in the same boat.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, you know what to prepare yoruself for and since you know how he'll react, then you don't answer your phone/texts and you remind yourself that it's just the game he plays to make you stay.

Put your big girl panties on!  You can do it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And the whole "You said you'd never divorce me" thing is bullshet.

He said he'd "love, honor and cherish" you. lol. he didn't care to break that promise.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Well, you know what to prepare yoruself for and since you know how he'll react, then you don't answer your phone/texts and you remind yourself that it's just the game he plays to make you stay.
> 
> Put your big girl panties on!  You can do it.


I know I can do my part. It's just I always worry how it looks to others. Especially when I'm ready to get out and move on with my life and I know he won't be. But, the one counselor we did see for a short time told me that I'm not responsible for his emotions or his actions and I shouldn't hold myself responsible for that. I try to remember that in those times.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Do not worry about what others think. It's not their life.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

ku1980rose said:


> Have you ever felt terribly lonely, even when you aren't entirely alone? My husband makes me feel this way.


Everyday. Crap is getting old real fast.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

4sure said:


> Everyday. Crap is getting old real fast.


I'm sorry you are experiencing this, too. It's not a good way to live. 

I think my husband must feel the same way when he does this. He has to be feeling lonely, too. But, nothing I can do can get him to admit this.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

If youve been on here for a year and done nothing you wont start now. What you have to do is to write him a letter of what you want and force a reply. He wont believe your ultimatums he seems to have had plenty.
What about your family what do they say. Or his family.
When you went counselling why couldnt you put your point forward. Why do you let him get away with it. I see this often here. People go counselling and always come away with nothing. The real question is do you want him or should I say want him back. You say he wants you although it doesnt sound like it are you so sure.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

accept said:


> If youve been on here for a year and done nothing you wont start now. What you have to do is to write him a letter of what you want and force a reply. He wont believe your ultimatums he seems to have had plenty.
> What about your family what do they say. Or his family.
> When you went counselling why couldnt you put your point forward. Why do you let him get away with it. I see this often here. People go counselling and always come away with nothing. The real question is do you want him or should I say want him back. You say he wants you although it doesnt sound like it are you so sure.


The reason I didn't leave before was that we were newly married. I wanted to give the marriage some time. Leaving at the first sign of problems doesn't make sense to me. We needed time to see if we could work through these things. And, I've come here to vent, look for advice, and get my thoughts into words.

In counseling, there wasn't much I could say or do. My husband would mostly cry and the counselor would make it all about him. Many times when I spoke up, the counselor said that it was my husband's turn now. It was the same counselor that he was doing private counseling with and it seemed that he had pulled the pity card with him. My husband is great at playing the "martyr" when the time is right. He likes to think he works so hard for everyone else and gives up everything for everyone else.

My husband "thinks" he wants me. One thing the counselor did say that was spot on is that my husband is very codependent when it comes to relationships. I've said before that I can't be his "everything". It's like I control his every mood, his every thought. He puts me on this pedestal and it doesn't matter what happens with us, he can't see that maybe we'd be better off moving on, away from each other. That maybe we made a mistake. That's something they were supposed to be working on in counseling. My husband wants to be with me ALL the time, call me all the time, do every activity with me. It's kind of overwhelming at times. He can't make many decisions on his own. 

I do want to be with him if our marriage was what it was supposed to be. My husband is a nice guy. He would do ANYTHING for me or for my family or his. He'd never leave me. But, what we have is not a marriage. He has shut me out of his life in so many ways and I've noticed that this is what he's done to many, many people in his life.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

He has issues with his mother?

Sounds like your husband needs one on one counseling.

How old are you?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ku1980rose said:


> Have you ever felt terribly lonely, even when you aren't entirely alone?


Yep. I had never felt lonelier in my life than when I was married. I felt like how you did. It sucked. Being married and feeling like I was totally alone and single and never wanting to go home after work because my exH did not speak words to me. Sad existance.




ku1980rose said:


> We tried seeing a counselor, but it was a total disaster. Don't know if it was the counselor or us. I would get very frustrated because my husband would talk the talk in counseling, but never seemed to take anything home. He's still the same.
> 
> My husband pulls the silent treatment whenever I bring up something he is uncomfortable talking about, which is pretty much anything serious, or anything about our marriage.
> 
> I'm looking at leaving soon because *things haven't changed *and I've given him the ultimatums already.


You have been saying the same thing for the entire time I"ve been at TAM, Ku. I know it sounds like all our advice is the same but that's also because all of your posts/threads are the same. 

Nothing has changed. Nothing will change. He isn't looking to change/stop his behavior. You haen't even had sex since your honeymoon only 1.5 year ago. He's not that into the marriage.

Get out. Free yourself. And in the future, figure out why you keep trying to hold onto something when the narrative has long since stopped supporting what you see/want/the actions (or non-actions in your case) that you see.

I wish you luck but can promise you, you will never get anyhwere with him. He is set in his ways and has zero desire to put in any effort in your marriage.

Oh and I do hope you get laid soon after you get divorced  Great, amazing, insanely good sex.


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Yep. I had never felt lonelier in my life than when I was married. I felt like how you did. It sucked. Being married and feeling like I was totally alone and single and never wanting to go home after work because my exH did not speak words to me. Sad existance.
> .


THIS!!! I know, now....this is why I always procrastinated going home, in 2007. I said to my friend dozens and dozens of times, after working late...going out for beers..."I can't justify being here.". But I literally got (and still do) major anxiety getting myself pointed toward home. Love my kids to death....but they were typically asleep already...and W wasn't exactly waiting up for me anyway. But, even if she was.....facing her affectionless demeaner made it SOOO hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*It was the same counselor that he was doing private counseling with and it seemed that he had pulled the pity card with him.*
Well what do you expect going to the same counselor. Your H has paid him in the past so he has to take his side. I suppose the counselor was a male as well. What was the counselor's reply for the 'missing' sex or couldnt you get that far.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DailyGrind said:


> THIS!!! But, even if she was.....facing her affectionless demeaner made it SOOO hard.


Daily, I think you married my ex's long lost sister.


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Daily, I think you married my ex's long lost sister.


Well...if she has a brother...then BOY has she been doing a lot of lying to me. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ya know... when I went to visit my in-laws... one relative made a passing comming to me ... she said how my ex's bro an dhis wife would sometimes fight and "when they are not talking to eachother, she comes to stay with us cause they are fighting." the NOT TALKING comment stood out to me cause I thought, Oh Fvck...husband's bro is like this... is this how he grew up? Idk... It seems ingrained in them/these types of people. Sadness.


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Ya know... when I went to visit my in-laws... one relative made a passing comming to me ... she said how my ex's bro an dhis wife would sometimes fight and "when they are not talking to eachother, she comes to stay with us cause they are fighting." the NOT TALKING comment stood out to me cause I thought, Oh Fvck...husband's bro is like this... is this how he grew up? Idk... It seems ingrained in them/these types of people. Sadness.


I agree. W grew up in a very affectionless environment. They don't do hugs, affection at all. It took a lot for me to get my wife to accept affection, on a regular basis. In fact, I can not really recall a time when my wife initiated "I love you.". First couple years ofmarriage she would greet me at the door, literally throwing berself in my arms...basically climbing up me...arms and legs wrapped around me. But that dropped off. But I always initiated hugs, hand holding, kisses, etc. and she NEVER wrote me love letters. I did...but pretty much stopped after getting blank cards with only "love W" at the end. Thank you Hallmark!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ku1980rose said:


> I've told him I'm leaving in January. He says "that's fine. I told you to do whatever you want." Then he throws a fit and start stomping and throwing things around. Now that I brought that up again, I will continue to get the silent treatment for at least another day or two.


Here's one thing to keep in mind: detached people (like your husband) need people around they can detach from. Just think about that. My husband would NEVER have asked me to leave, but when I did, he suddenly took an interest in being a part of my life. Why? Because for all his detachment, he needed someone, anyone, on his radar screen from whom he could detach.

Yes, it sounds crazy, but most people don't want to be hermits living in a cave. They will cling to a crappy relationship, even when it's destroying them, or their partner. So for all your husband's I-don't-give-a-s*** attitude, he may sing a different song when and if you walk.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DailyGrind said:


> But I always initiated hugs, hand holding, kisses, etc. and she NEVER wrote me love letters. I did...but pretty much stopped after *getting blank cards with only "love W" at the end. Thank you Hallmark!*


_

LOL



_


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

he's been sleeping on the couch for a year
In September of 2010 you inquired about good books for men to regain their masculinty
In July you posted that your husband depends on you for his happiness
In September you found out that your husband was texting/facebook chatting anther woman

I'm done going back through your old posts... 

My main question is, why are you still with this man who won't have sex with you, has an EA but won't admit it, and who makes you so unhappy for so long?

ku1980rose, Please understand that I'm not trying to belittle or degrade you in any way. I really hope you find your way to happiness. I would just like you to look back over the last year, see how it was, and then make next year better for just you.


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