# I am so torn!! Should it be civil or get really “nasty”, in his own words!!



## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

My husband have filed for a divorce/ a separation. We do not agree. I don’t want it.
We’ve been together for 8 years, married for 4.5 years. And have two small children together. We’ve always had a very hard marriage; lots of fights. Daily fights, rarely saw eye to eye. He’s been threatening me verbally with that I would be “alone” after/during every fight.. moreover, he has filed for a divorce nothing less but 4 times, since October 2021 and until now!
He withdrew the other ones, as we had talks and I said to him that it isn’t fair to our children or us to get a divorce before trying to safe the marriage with couples therapy.

We went to therapy, but only 3 times; the first time he told her he is skeptical and don’t think it can be fixed. He pretty much said he didn’t want to continue and didn’t believe in us. That ‘the foundation is so “rotten” between us’ he said. A week went by and he decided to give it another shot; 6 months to see if we could fix it w the help of the therapist. This session went slightly better, but the third and final one, he said - with the help of the therapist, who actually burst it out loud at the end of the session: - that we should get a divorce. She couldn’t help us she said.

Anyway, now we are here. A few more separation filings came my way since that time at the therapist..!

This final time he is so sure that this is what he wants!! I have had tons of talks with him. Told him that I have found other therapist, but he doesn’t care. He made up his mind and can’t go back he says. Somehow, I feel like there’s someone else waiting for him.
He says no.
We have two small and wonderful children together, 2 years and 4 years.
This is so devastating😥
I truly love him still and my biggest dream and hope is to be with him again. His isn’t. It’s gonna have such enormous impact on us all! Not sure he even gets/or care of the consequences. I don’t understand why he would go to the therapy first! Our 3 times at the previous therapist can’t be considered getting the help! We basically didn’t even start before we/he/the therapist stopped it again!! So upsetting, frustrating and devastating..to me.

We live under the same roof and even sleep in the same bed. Makes it a million times harder for me.
He won’t move before we come to an agreement in regards to the splitting of the kids. And we can’t really agree on that.
On top of that, we married without a prenup. So basically I’m entitled to half his business. Same basically goes for him and my savings.

But I’m in a dilemma here;
He said he would go after my savings (which is all I have) if I would try and go after his business. In that case, we would combine all our money and assets and split it in two.

Now, all he has is his company. He started it after we got married and been running it from home - the living room is his”office”.
I took care of the kids meanwhile.

I feel entitled to some of it I must say. I stood by his side when he opened it, helped him out, by being with the kids, I even gave him the funds to start it (he did give me my money back again recently). I paid for the rent and other reoccurring expenses, the first long time, so he could focus on the new business. That was my choose. I don’t have a lot to give the kids afterwards - if me and them were to move in somewhere slightly larger in the future. We live in a 1 bedroom, and 1 livingroom apartment now. Super small but okay for the time being.

My (ex)husband tells me verbally that IF he has the funds later on, he would like to help me to buy a bigger place, “cause at the end of the day, it’s to improve the living standards of the kids’, he says.
Now, I would be a fool to believe his WORDS solely. He can go from here, and find a new woman and remarry and have more kids (would break my heart 💔) and suddenly he won’t have the ability to help anyway - either cause he would need the money himself for a larger place, or because
the now woman says that she doesn’t agree on him spending/giving money to me!!

My huge dilemma is, should I “go after” his company, even though it would “only” give me around 35-40.000 dollars? And then live with the bad conscience of him having to close his company (the only way of income he has!!) for us to be enemies, and having a bad cooperation in regards to the kids? And on top of that, he promised to make my life a living hell if I were to go after his company.

Or should I give up on money, and “trust” that he would be helping me in the future? And be bitter for the rest of life when I see him and the new woman traveling, moving in to a larger place, etc?

Its such a hard decision, cause I also feel so embarrassed if I should go after his company to get my share, cause that will make him go bankruptcy, and he will have to start from literally scratch in this country which isn’t his country, with no family, and no actual help. I know him well enough to know (also cause he said it) that if I take his kids away from him (this isn’t in my interest, I just think that as a start they shouldn’t be living 4 days with him and 10 days with me) It’ll be too hard for them being away from me to begin with, for 4 days! He told me he’d move abroad and away from the kids if I’ll “steal” them and on top of that he would be obliged to pay child support!!

Therefor I just KNOW that ifI would have the kids the majority of the time (to begin with) and get child support (well, that’s by law) and then ALSO go for alimony ANDafter getting a bit of his business!! then I KNOW he’ll leave my country and the kids, which would break my heart!!!! I feel it’s an unsaid blackmailing😥

On top of that, I AALWAYS had a good relationship with his parents and siblings! Even know, he still tells me that they love me. I would be so embarrassed after haven “gone after” his money, to ever look them in the eyes again. And I know that they (his family) do have the funds to help him tremendously. They are quite well off. But I would be feeling so awful for the future. 
It’s a terrible situation. 

I am so torn in what to do💔😔

Btw, I have posted in here before, if that helps to advice me


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So first off. Don't trust him to do anything in your interest in the future.

Second See a lawyer.

Third. there are other options. So how much do you have in savings? Did you have that before you got married. Is it in an account with only your name on it. I ask because depending on your country money you had before you married isn't always marital money to be split. He started the business after so it usually is.

You really need an attorney because you aren't in the states or the UK so most people won't know the standard where you are and it's worth and attorney anyway as it's potentially a 40k mistake.

If he goes after you savings and let's pretend it's fair game is that more that the 40k of the business. He can 'buy' you out of the business by leaving you your savings and then making payments if the business is worth more than 'his' half of your savings.

He obviously isn't interested in staying. It now or next week or what have you and yes he probably has his eye on someone or just doesn't want to constantly fight.

Assume he's telling the truth that he wants to be divorced. Get yourself an attorney.


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> So first off. Don't trust him to do anything in your interest in the future.
> 
> Second See a lawyer.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply. I appreciate it. I will contact a lawyer, I guess. 
He hired a lawyer already (“the best, with most experience”, in his own words!)
I haven’t. I felt it was so “finale” if I would hire one. Instead I spend my time grieving, and looking for couple therapist, speaking to couple therapists, as well as psychologists. All, because I desperately want to save my marriage!!! Im an idiot!


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

You’re already behind, and that’s bad.
Get a good lawyer, now.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

There is someone else. He’s already gone. You need to get yourself a job, ASAP. And get tested for STDs. Then hire a lawyer and figure out what you can do. He is several steps ahead of you, you need to protect your children and be sure they have a place to live and some stability. Do you have family nearby? Don’t waste another second on him, you’re in love with a mirage. Put your kids first and get stable. I’m so sorry.


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> There is someone else. He’s already gone. You need to get yourself a job, ASAP. And get tested for STDs. Then hire a lawyer and figure out what you can do. He is several steps ahead of you, you need to protect your children and be sure they have a place to live and some stability. Do you have family nearby? Don’t waste another second on him, you’re in love with a mirage. Put your kids first and get stable. I’m so sorry.


We haven’t had sex for a long, long time. Thank God. Which is something that was frustrating to him.. he seems completely insensitive towards how someone who received and receive divorce threats verbally and in physically form, would ever like to be intimate with him!
But you are right. He’s many steps ahead of me!!
He hired a lawyer, till now, paid 4200 dollars (!!!!) for the assistance (meetings, and the lawyer to make a splitting of the kids proposal.
It’s insane!
Where I live, such thing doesn’t necessarily need to go through a lawyer. It’s a very aggressive/offensive approach. Either you can sit down and discuss as parents (although I admit, every time he brought up “how do you see the splitting of the kids” I started crying cause it was too painful a talk). I think he not only contacted a lawyer due to tie kids but definitely also due to secure himself financially!!
And to be 5 steps ahead in regards to that.
This is so sad! The person I knew for 8 years, trusted, loved…and now we are gonna be in a war. In one way or the other.
But after hiring a lawyer and paying her, he now told me that we should try and come to an agreement without lawyers. That it’ll be way too expensive if we go that road. But I feel paranoid now. Like I can’t trust anything he says anymore. Like, I can’t truly trust that whatever he says isn’t said/suggested for the benefit of himself only!!!

He isn’t trying directly to talk me out of having a lawyer, but at the same time he says it’s been super expensive and will drag things out.
So I feel confused of what’s the best to do at this point. To hire a lawyer, which means he’ll also continue with his. And therefor go hard on hard? And go for his assets, despite them not being “super much”. Like, I wouldn’t be able to get very far for 40.000 dollars where I live. Or to drop it all, and hope he’ll help me financially in the future.
But even when it comes down to child support hw gets mad. He says that “you can not have all the benefits: have the kids the majority of the time, and on top of that, I need to also pay you child support!!”. I can definitely forget about an alimony, he says!
So due to all of that and because he says he’ll destroy me financially, if I touch his assets, I’m super worried and scared.


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

Having a lawyer on your side doesn't necessarily have to mean going hard-for-hard, it means having someone to advise you on how the process works where you are and what the law there says is "fair." Not sure where you are, but where I am mediation is strongly pushed as an alternative to going to trial. You can (and probably should) still have a lawyer on your side in mediation, though.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

@Strawberry1984 sorry you are here, must be very difficult with kids in the picture.
You need to get a lawyer, it doesn't mean you will get nasty by doing so, your lawyer will most likely try to be civil and make things smooth and easy, if your husband gets nasty you lawyer will get nasty!
Is there someone else? Maybe, and maybe not, we don't know, it's all speculations!

You said:


Strawberry1984 said:


> We’ve always had a very hard marriage; lots of fights. Daily fights, rarely saw eye to eye.


Can you give us some examples of some of these fights?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

It doesn't matter that you don't want the divorce. Break ups default to the one who wants out.

You cannot trust anything he says, You need a formalized property settlement agreement that spells out who gets what. Don't just give up on the money. You helped build that business so you have rights. He had the option of staying married but since he wants out, that comes with a price.

Do what is best for your children & yourself. If he thinks that is you being nasty, so what? I see it as you protecting yourself . You are not being vindictive solely for the sake of being mean or punishing him. He's being selfish -- trying to have his cake & eat it too. That is unfair.

Especially because he has a lawyer, you need one. He is probably telling that lawyer that you will sign anything put in front of you. You need somebody to advocate for you. Alimony is dependent on the situation. What he wants doesn't factor into it. Child support belongs to the kids. At the very least you need to educate yourself.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Strawberry1984 said:


> My husband have filed for a divorce/ a separation. We do not agree. I don’t want it.
> We’ve been together for 8 years, married for 4.5 years. And have two small children together. We’ve always had a very hard marriage; lots of fights. Daily fights, rarely saw eye to eye. He’s been threatening me verbally with that I would be “alone” after/during every fight.. moreover, he has filed for a divorce nothing less but 4 times, since October 2021 and until now!
> He withdrew the other ones, as we had talks and I said to him that it isn’t fair to our children or us to get a divorce before trying to safe the marriage with couples therapy.
> 
> ...


I think it's in your best interest to cooperate with him as far as is FAIR. 
You need to have a consult with a lawyer too, just like he did, so you can hear your options.

If you get part of his business/assets, why does he have to lose his business? Can't he just make payments to you while keeping it going? And if you want him to split his assets with you, you will have to split yours with him.
There also might be a way to have his promises of future financial help put into the divorce decree, so that's another reason to talk to a lawyer.

And as far as him saying you can't have all the benefits, he's right. You don't get everything your way at all. Even if it's hard for your kids to be away from you, their father still deserves EQUAL time with them. It's time for you to get a job as well, so you can support yourself and the kids, if you don't already have one.

Also, just FYI...most people don't want to stay in a marriage that doesn't include sex. No one wants to be monogamous (and most can't be) with someone who refuses to have sex with them. He was being insensitive to your needs, yes...but you were also being insensitive to his. Since neither of you could change to make your relationship better, he is doing the right thing to divorce you and let you both find other partners who can meet the needs you both don't want to meet for eachother.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

Strawberry1984 said:


> My husband have filed for a divorce/ a separation. We do not agree. I don’t want it.
> We’ve been together for 8 years, married for 4.5 years. And have two small children together. We’ve always had a very hard marriage; lots of fights. Daily fights, rarely saw eye to eye. He’s been threatening me verbally with that I would be “alone” after/during every fight.. moreover, he has filed for a divorce nothing less but 4 times, since October 2021 and until now!
> He withdrew the other ones, as we had talks and I said to him that it isn’t fair to our children or us to get a divorce before trying to safe the marriage with couples therapy.
> 
> ...


The hardest advice that you will ever hear, but it's necessary......be like water, think Bruce Lee level zen. What I mean by this, is try to remove yourself mentally, and if possible, emotionally, from things and look at it from an outsider perspective. Your husband has issues, or maybe you both do, I don't know, I don't know either of you. But the fact that he has filed for divorce 4 times in 8 months, only to withdraw, and claims to have the best lawyer, means a few things, which I won't make an assumption on any, but the reality is he is playing games with you and it's completely unfair to you, even if there were issues. Ignore any "advice" HE gives you; he doesn't have your best interest in mind at this point. 
However, that all said, what I am seeing here is massive grand standing on his part because he knows his actions will cause him to lose many things. You sound like a good person at heart because you don't want to cause bankruptcy, and choosing business over matters of the heart are insanely difficult. I won't even pretend to tell you that they are not; you don't have to think of this as a war, that's horrible advice from anyone and just general lawyer speak (to rack up your legal fees of course), but instead, think of this as securing a safe and healthy future for your children, and to help you get through this, think of them, focus on their health and well being. Do you want to venture into the unknown without secure assets, knowing that he may not even consistently pay child support? It sounds like you contributed and supported his business venture, and he knows this very well, either from his own knowledge or in speaking with a lawyer. The more baseless threats he can throw at you, the more he feels in control of a situation he probably has very little control over. Now you asked is it worth it for $35 - $40K? Maybe, maybe not, depends on the legal proceedings, but here's the thing, if you get child support, that will cover costs down the road anyway. Do not trust anything this man says with regards to money, he seems to constantly be trying to string you along while he gets his ducks in a row. Also, get a good therapist to help you because you're in for a rocky road and you don't want to depend on friends and family for advice, only support. They mean well, but a bunch of "yes" people do you no good when you need sound advice. Best of luck and hopefully you can find your inner peace through the turmoil. It will be a bumpy road but just remember, you have survived 100% of your worst days, you will get to the other side of this as well.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Having a lawyer is important for you legally. You’ll know what you’re entitled to, which battles to pick or negotiate on, etc.

I’ve already seen a case where someone in your position tried to nice/love their spouse back, a spouse who was just aggressive and merciless as yours.

The nice spouse was left near destitute.

For your own security, you need to start protecting yourself and your children, because your stbx no longer wants to. He does NOT have your best interests at heart but his own.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your husband wants out of the marriage, and is weak in his action....here/there.
He is procrastinating.

He also has a weak hand, thus, cannot make this divorce happen, smoothly, let alone painlessly.

From your thread, you say you might be able to get ~40K dollars from the splitting of assets.
And, taking that up-front will likely collapse his business, in the aftermath.

I would suggest deferring that payment out, say 3 years, plus interest on his debt to you.
Let a barrister draft this agreement in iron-clad writing.

He can complain all he wants, he does not decide who gets what, after divorce.
The court system will decide that.

If any couple fights constantly, there are serious compatibility problems at play.
Let the divorce proceed.

I did not read your other posts, yet.
If you are not working, you need to get back into the workforce, soon.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Strawberry1984 said:


> He isn’t trying directly to talk me out of having a lawyer, but at the same time he says it’s been super expensive and will drag things out.
> So I feel confused of what’s the best to do at this point. To hire a lawyer, which means he’ll also continue with his. And therefor go hard on hard? And go for his assets, despite them not being “super much”. Like, I wouldn’t be able to get very far for 40.000 dollars where I live. Or to drop it all, and hope he’ll help me financially in the future.
> But even when it comes down to child support hw gets mad. He says that “you can not have all the benefits: have the kids the majority of the time, and on top of that, I need to also pay you child support!!”. I can definitely forget about an alimony, he says!
> So due to all of that and because he says he’ll destroy me financially, if I touch his assets, I’m super worried and scared.


Don't believe a word he says and don't fall for the fear tactics. If it's not on paper in your divorce decree then it ain't happening. You need to get an attorney ASAP. Your husband does not get to decide what the law is. He's being pretty ugly about this. I'd say you do everything you can to get what you are entitled to in the divorce. Take emotion out of it. This man is no longer your husband. It is simply a business transaction. You should get this over with as quickly as you can and move on with your life.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I looked at your other Threads....

No change, bad business as usual.

Some time before, he was texting another attractive woman he met at the gym; I now see this.
A bad sign, of the *Red Flag* variety.

Is he still cheating?
Who knows, but I do know he is not having intimate relations with you. 
Yes, he was exploring his options.

Men need a sexual outlet.

He may be good looking and (in your words), has a good physique.
But, with his employment situation, he is not a good catch.
Other woman will soon lose interest in him for this reason.

He needs to move where he can be gainfully employed and where he can speak the language.
Nordic countries are advanced countries and good jobs are hard to find and are competitive.

He could do manual labor, drive a truck, or a taxi, (do service work) but that is not want he wants.
I get it. 
He feels worthless.

What is his country of origin?
You never stated that.

Is he Middle Eastern, or African?


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I highly recommend that you guys work out the division of assets yourselves. It's either that, or the lawyers get most of it while you two bicker at each other. I would also recommend an attorney not to go after each other, but to properly fill out and file papers with the court.

I don't know how much you have in savings. But maybe you keep your savings and he keeps his business. Keep the kids in mind with his business. He can use money from it to help support the children.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I also went back and read your first thread, where you knew your husband was struggling with finding a job and living in your country...and you were insistent that it was better for YOU and the kids to stay near your family, no matter how unhappy your husband was.

Also, another thread of yours states that he told you last Fall that even though he wants a divorce, you guys could go to counseling and if nothing had improved in 6 months, you would divorce in a "respectful manner" (your words)...well, now that time is here and you are reconsidering your agreement to be respectful?

You refused to have sex with for "a long long time", but say you will be heartbroken if he meets another woman.

You feel entitled to half his new business, which could ruin it, but you also don't want him to move out of your country...nor do you want to give him half of your assets...nor do you want to give him 50/50 access to the kids...

You can't have your cake and eat it too. Actions have consequences, and you are getting yours now.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> What is his country of origin?
> You never stated that.
> 
> Is he Middle Eastern, or African?


She did, it's Greece. But he loves Canada and wanted to move back there 2 years ago because of the career opportunities he would have. Which she refused to consider because she likes being close to her family.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> She did, it's Greece. But he loves Canada and wanted to move back there 2 years ago because of the career opportunities he would have. Which she refused to consider because she likes being close to her family.


Thanks!

I assume he speaks English, if that is the case, Canada is a good choice (for him).

He complained about Denmark's cold weather.
It gets very cold in Canada, also!

Two people pulling in two different directions, two different locations, to wish, to live in.
A tough call, for sure.

This is what happens when you marry someone from a different culture.

Life is hard enough, but if you cannot communicate in your new, home country, it is just .....too much hassle.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> Thanks!
> 
> I assume he speaks English, if that is the case, Canada is a good choice (for him).
> 
> ...


Also selfishness and an unwillingness to compromise will doom any relationship.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This hasn’t changed in a long time and it’s not going to.

Let him go and move on. It’s for the best.

As for money, you’re in a very liberal country so you could keep yours and let him keep his.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Extreme frustration is delivered when that brick wall is met.

When simple solutions do not pan out, harsh words find their voice.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TurnedTurtle said:


> Having a lawyer on your side doesn't necessarily have to mean going hard-for-hard, it means having someone to advise you on how the process works where you are and what the law there says is "fair." Not sure where you are, but where I am mediation is strongly pushed as an alternative to going to trial. You can (and probably should) still have a lawyer on your side in mediation, though.


You can reject the mediation ruling if you want. I don't like mediation if there's a clear right and wrong side, because mediators will just compromise everything, and that's find if that's fair; but if someone really got the worst hit, I wouldn't mediate. If you're just dividing up assets evenly, I guess they can do that, although sometimes you just have to hire an accountant to do that.


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> So first off. Don't trust him to do anything in your interest in the future.
> 
> Second See a lawyer.
> 
> ...


Thank you for responding.
I did get myself an attorney now. But I feel awful about doing so! I feel that it was put down on me - by him. I can’t go with our a lawyer, when he has one. I have upcoming meetings w couples therapists next week (scheduled a week ago) because I (am super naive, I guess) and thought it could be fixed. Yet he again yesterday told me it’s nonfixable and that he made up his mind. Cannot comprehend how someone who has as young children as we do, can just throw the towel in the ring!!?

Now, since he said that there’s no way back, I need to really try and think of myself and the kids;
How do I secure us? As mentioned I do not want a war with him. And I want to be able to look myself in the eyes afterwards, knowing that I didn’t destroy his company. But at the same time, I don’t want to be a complete idiot, and give it all up, cause it’s gonna have huge impact on our (kids and I) future living standards. 
Where I live, (my) savings are to be shared too. So he could easily go after that.
All I am basically entitled to get is child support. But it’s not a whole lot. Theres a minimum pay, but you are also welcome to agree on setting a higher support. 

Do you have any “creative” ideas to how I can secure myself and the kids, without him needing to go bankruptcy, but still in a way I feel is fair to me.


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> I also went back and read your first thread, where you knew your husband was struggling with finding a job and living in your country...and you were insistent that it was better for YOU and the kids to stay near your family, no matter how unhappy your husband was.
> 
> Also, another thread of yours states that he told you last Fall that even though he wants a divorce, you guys could go to counseling and if nothing had improved in 6 months, you would divorce in a "respectful manner" (your words)...well, now that time is here and you are reconsidering your agreement to be respectful?
> 
> ...


Your reply really isn’t fair, you are quite harsh. I think you didn’t get the full picture;

1. Our marriage was super rocky. Lots of fights, lots of argument, daily. Unfortunately
He is a person who always is dreaming of somewhere new to go. Then it was Canada. Then Miami. Maybe Toronto - “I heard it’s good”, as he said. Honestly, once you build a family, you have to start setting. He wanted us to move to the other side of the world, without any family members on neither side. No friends. And a rocky marriage!! He care a lot for his freedom, and loves the gym. A daily visit is a MUST! In between him working and his need for the gym, I would find myself super alone with the kids, and a non present man. In a foreign country. He knew and said that living where we does, gives him the time and freedom because I have family around. Plus, honestly, you can discuss the weather, but where we live is a super safe and secure country, with a great system.
2. I thank you for taken the time to read my previous post. But let me add something here; yes, he did promise me 6 months of trying. Yet, I/we NEVERgot that!! Instead he gave us 1 more session with the therapist, where she sensed that he didn’t want to change, and that he kept saying that he was super skeptical! She told us at the very end that we need to move on, that he obvious don’t want to work for it/on himself, and that she simply can’t help us, and that we should get a divorce. 
I was devastated. He felt that it was “a bit surprising statement, but that she spoke the truth of what need to happen…”. He didn’t give it 6 months as promised. After this consultation is was clear what he wanted. And I receivedthe divorce papers 1.5 month later.
Yes I refused sex. And I would do it all over again! When someone isn’t showing you love. But is threatening you with a divorce every time you have a fight. Calling you names. Yelling and screaming degrading at you and won’t stop. Likes when there’s an audience (eg neighbors outside our open window) to hear what a “****ed up person I am, and a loser” then you refuse sex! I want sex where there’s love. He is just horny and could use me “as I am the only one around” in his own words. Yes that hurts! Whether or not is was “just” said in affection during a fight. He never apologized. Never took it back. Told me after fights “not to expect him being faithful anymore”. It’s simply awful things to be told!! Whether or not he means it! It’s immature and mean!!
And yes, sex is out of the question when being spoken to like this!!!
In my country isn’t not normal to do a full on shared coatudy on the kids ( a 7-7) In our case they are too small. Plus a 7-7 (7 days him, 7 days me) is only advised in situations where the parents have agreed on that themself (without a courts ruling) and if the corporation level is very high between the parents.


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I highly recommend that you guys work out the division of assets yourselves. It's either that, or the lawyers get most of it while you two bicker at each other. I would also recommend an attorney not to go after each other, but to properly fill out and file papers with the court.
> 
> I don't know how much you have in savings. But maybe you keep your savings and he keeps his business. Keep the kids in mind with his business. He can use money from it to help support the children.


Honestky, I WISH we could sort it out ourselves!! Or, my honest wish is/was(well, yes, still till thisday) is that he would forget about the divorce and instead focus on that we should go to therapy and or each see a psychologist to learn more about ourselves, reactions, and our mechanisms) in order forus to stay HAPPILY TOGETHER!!!)

But wishes don’t always come true..so I have to take care of myself just like he does.
I know he’s a man who want to be a few steps ahead of everyone else. And now also of me 
He is good at thinking creatively, he’s a businessman and will always come up with a smart idea that serves his own interest. Therefor I am supper worried to go without a lawyer at this point.
My fear is that I believe him solely on his words: “I want to help the kids (and therefore you) in the future if I can, to buy something bigger” These are just words and can be gone the second he finds someone new.. Whivh I’m sure he will fast!! He always wanted lots of kids!! And most likely will get it quite fast with someone new😢 She most likely wouldn’t won’t allow him to help out his ex wife.. 
So how the heck do I secure myself Witt being a cold ***** who ruins his company. Cause that isn’t the person that I am. I always wanted him to succeed when we were together, and even now, during this awful time, I want him to do well. But I also don’t want to be left without anything myself and needing to live like a poor person.
So how do I secure myself and the kids without him needing to close his company!?
Do you have any suggestions? 🙏🏼


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

Tex X said:


> Don't believe a word he says and don't fall for the fear tactics. If it's not on paper in your divorce decree then it ain't happening. You need to get an attorney ASAP. Your husband does not get to decide what the law is. He's being pretty ugly about this. I'd say you do everything you can to get what you are entitled to in the divorce. Take emotion out of it. This man is no longer your husband. It is simply a business transaction. You should get this over with as quickly as you can and move on with your life.


Thanks. I hear what you are saying and I get you. But gosh, to take out my emotions, and to try and get everything I want, is so much easier said than done.
My ethics and moral speaks against it, because of who I am and also because of the situation we are in. I think that if we had just been a married couple, no kids together, going through a divorce, it had been easier for me.
But we have small children together, (2 children under the age of 4!) I won’t be able to look myself kr my kids in the eyes, knowing that I destroyed their dads business. I would be feeling awful! I something’s wish I would be more a more hardcore business minded woman, but this isn’t who I am 😢

Yet, I DO want to and have the right to secure me and the kids. I helped him built his business.The kids were 80% my responsibility so he could work - my choice. 
But never received any acknowledgment.
So how do I now secure myself in a smart way?? He is a smart business man, and always have creative solutions when it comes down to business. He always gets what he wants-what’s good for him. He is good at negotiating. 
Do you have any idea to how I would financially secure myself and the kids? 🙏🏼


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

Spoons027 said:


> Having a lawyer is important for you legally. You’ll know what you’re entitled to, which battles to pick or negotiate on, etc.
> 
> I’ve already seen a case where someone in your position tried to nice/love their spouse back, a spouse who was just aggressive and merciless as yours.
> 
> ...


Correct. He doesn’t have my best interest at heart. Although he keeps telling me that if I’ll be fair in regard to the kids splitting (and to give him what he wants, basically) then we’ll end up in a good situation where he would want to help me in the future. And most of the electrical devices would be staying with me and the kids. But if it gets ugly, then it gets ugly…….
Sure, I can’t trust a word coming out of his mouth anymore. I deeply wish I could. He’s the father of me kids, and my partner of 8 years…but I just don’t feel safe anymore. He doesn’t want what’s best for me..or maybe he does at that moment, but let’s be real..the second he moved on with someone new, and will have expenses with that new woman, and maybe new children (💔😢) the story and promises changes 🥺😢 

But how do I secure myself without going after his business!? Do you have an good smart ideas?? 🙏🏼 He’s super creative when it comes down to business..now it’s time for me to (unfortunately) also become a smart businesswoman 😥


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Learn from this. Never be a dependent again. Get a job, get a lawyer (as you’ve done) and stop defining yourself based on his approval. The man you loved doesn’t exist and never existed. Let it go and start thinking about your children, because he couldn’t care less about them or you. And never, ever say again that it is bad for women to be smart. That is a huge lie. There is nothing unfeminine about intelligence or strength.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Strawberry1984 said:


> But how do I secure myself without going after his business!? Do you have an good smart ideas?? 🙏🏼


get a job.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Strawberry1984 said:


> Your reply really isn’t fair, you are quite harsh. I think you didn’t get the full picture;
> 
> 1. Our marriage was super rocky. Lots of fights, lots of argument, daily. Unfortunately
> He is a person who always is dreaming of somewhere new to go. Then it was Canada. Then Miami. Maybe Toronto - “I heard it’s good”, as he said. Honestly, once you build a family, you have to start setting. He wanted us to move to the other side of the world, without any family members on neither side. No friends. And a rocky marriage!! He care a lot for his freedom, and loves the gym. A daily visit is a MUST! In between him working and his need for the gym, I would find myself super alone with the kids, and a non present man. In a foreign country. He knew and said that living where we does, gives him the time and freedom because I have family around. Plus, honestly, you can discuss the weather, but where we live is a super safe and secure country, with a great system.
> ...


I don't understand why you aren't sprinting to the courthouse to file for divorce yourself in order to get away from him. 

From my perspective as a man, you are simply wanting him to pay for you and support you. It doesn't sound like you even like him, respect him or want to be around him. 

If you had a job and a means to pay your own bills, would you even want to be anywhere near him?


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> I don't understand why you aren't sprinting to the courthouse to file for divorce yourself in order to get away from him.
> 
> From my perspective as a man, you are simply wanting him to pay for you and support you. It doesn't sound like you even like him, respect him or want to be around him.
> 
> If you had a job and a means to pay your own bills, would you even want to be anywhere near him?


Where do you see me saying that he’s paying for my bills??! Oh boy how interesting the internet is..😔 I’m not accusing you, perhaps you just got that impression somehow while reading. But no. It’s almost the contrary. I pay the bills, rent, water, heat, electricity. Up until 6 months ago I even paid his phone bill. And no, I really don’t have a lot myself, but I wanted to. All I wanted was for him to focus on his business.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

At this point, once a divorce has been decided, only math remains. And it only take one spouse to make that decision, which he's clearly done, so you have to shove all hopes of counselling or reconciliation behind you so you can face the math. No, this isn't what you wanted, but it's what you're getting, and the sooner you accept that, the better off you'll be at getting a division to suit you.

Add up all your assets. Add up all your debts. Figure out which ones predate the marriage and leave them out (unless your countries laws say otherwise). Then divide up the assets and the debts in a way that makes things equal enough for you both to cope with. If you rent your home, that might be you keeping your savings/pension and him keeping his business/pension. If you own a home, that might be you keeping the house/mortgage combo and him getting his business and some of your savings, and you divide both pensions equally. Nobody here can come up with a solution that works for you because we don't know your numbers.

Leave alimony / spousal support, whatever it's called in your country, out of this. It's the 21st century, every adult should be capable of supporting themselves. Find daycare for the kids and start job-hunting.

Because you have kids, now you have to worry about dividing their time and supporting them. You said you live in a 50-50 country? Then share them equally. It doesn't have to be 7-7 if you feel they are too young. It could be 2-2-5-5. There are lots of different arrangements. Do some research. Or if your idiot STBX doesn't want equal time with the kids, work something else out.

Then child support just follows the time sharing arrangement. I don't know how it works in your country, but where I am, 50-50 means that the higher income parent pays a reduced amount to the lower income parent. If your STBX doesn't have close to equal time, then he'll pay full child support based on his income. You know his income, and you'll know yours once you start working. It's just math.

This is where having a lawyer is good. They'll be able to help you with that math. But they'll also see all your financial numbers and know what's in it for them, so use them sparingly for the things you could do yourself. Do your own research about laws in your area, and present your STBX with a plan for how to divide everything your assets, your debts, and your children's time. There might be a lot of stuff you can agree on before fighting over the rest through lawyers.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Strawberry1984 said:


> Where do you see me saying that he’s paying for my bills??! Oh boy how interesting the internet is..😔 I’m not accusing you, perhaps you just got that impression somehow while reading. But no. It’s almost the contrary. I pay the bills, rent, water, heat, electricity. Up until 6 months ago I even paid his phone bill. And no, I really don’t have a lot myself, but I wanted to. All I wanted was for him to focus on his business.


You certainly don't seem to be able to handle being questioned very well...

If you guys fought all the time and you paid for everything, then you should be happy he's leaving, you will have alot more money and a peaceful home life once he's gone. You were hanging on to a relationship that wasn't making you happy at all.
You will look back on this in a year or two and realize it was a GIFT from him that he left, so you could find someone you were happy with.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Strawberry1984 said:


> Where do you see me saying that he’s paying for my bills??! Oh boy how interesting the internet is..😔 I’m not accusing you, perhaps you just got that impression somehow while reading. But no. It’s almost the contrary. I pay the bills, rent, water, heat, electricity. Up until 6 months ago I even paid his phone bill. And no, I really don’t have a lot myself, but I wanted to. All I wanted was for him to focus on his business.


I got the impression because you seem very resistant to getting a job and you have argued with those who have suggested you get a job. 

Are you or are you not employed????

Was the money you were paying these bills with your money that you made from your own employment or were you making payments from his income?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

LisaDiane said:


> I also went back and read your first thread, where you knew your husband was struggling with finding a job and living in your country...and you were insistent that it was better for YOU and the kids to stay near your family, no matter how unhappy your husband was.
> 
> Also, another thread of yours states that he told you last Fall that even though he wants a divorce, you guys could go to counseling and if nothing had improved in 6 months, you would divorce in a "respectful manner" (your words)...well, now that time is here and you are reconsidering your agreement to be respectful?
> 
> ...


I agree. I remember you now. Sometimes being selfish doesn't pay off.

If you insist on him liquidating the business so you can get your equity, you will leave him with no way to earn a living. A man who has no way to earn a living because you insisted on liquidating his business ain't gonna be paying you child support or spousal support!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Strawberry1984 said:


> My husband have filed for a divorce/ a separation. We do not agree. I don’t want it.
> We’ve been together for 8 years, married for 4.5 years. And have two small children together. We’ve always had a very hard marriage; lots of fights. Daily fights, rarely saw eye to eye. He’s been threatening me verbally with that I would be “alone” after/during every fight.. moreover, he has filed for a divorce nothing less but 4 times, since October 2021 and until now!
> He withdrew the other ones, as we had talks and I said to him that it isn’t fair to our children or us to get a divorce before trying to safe the marriage with couples therapy.
> 
> ...


I didn't quite get through all that but you need to definitely have your own attorney and find out what they think would be equitable and in your best interests. He could keep his company going and still pay you half of his profits. Of course if it goes down the tube or if he lets it go down the tube so he didn't have to pay you, that's a problem. But a good attorney can put some sort of caveat in the agreement so that that would not work for him. In other words maybe they decide on the present value of the company and mandate that he has to pay you that amount in payments over time as he makes the money.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

For those who are telling her to get a job, who would you suggest is going to care for 2 very small children under 4??. With childcare costs for 2 full time its unlikely she would bring home much to even make it worthwhile unless her job is very high paying. Besides, she has a full time job right now, a 24/7 job.


OP just talk to your lawyer and they will be able to advise you on the best way to divide assets. Maybe you can leave his business but you have the savings. Or the house. We did that, my ex kept his good pension and me the small house, both were valued at the same amount (while I still had a mortgage on it.) You have children so you need a home for them. If the business is doing well you should be able to get a reasonable amount for child support and hopefully even financial support for you until the children are both at school say, if he is honest about profits. You are definitely right to get your own legal advise if he has. Don't agree on anything without legal advise.

The children being so tiny(guessing 1 and 3?) its not likely to work with them being with each of you for half the time. When they are babies and toddlers they need a home base where they live and no moving about from home to home. Once they are older then if he wants to they can stay with him more if he has room. Till then I would suggest he takes them out for a whole day each week. Many wont agree with me on this but I am thinking of the babies not him.

Besides, he is the one walking out on such small kiddies, its just so sad and like you I just dont get how anyone can do that. Effectively abandoning them.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

IIRC, you’re in Denmark and childcare there is heavily subsidized?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Oops, I confused Denmark with Sweden, nm.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> For those who are telling her to get a job, who would you suggest is going to care for 2 very small children under 4??. With childcare costs for 2 full time its unlikely she would bring home much to even make it worthwhile unless her job is very high paying. Besides, she has a full time job right now, a 24/7 job.
> 
> 
> OP just talk to your lawyer and they will be able to advise you on the best way to divide assets. Maybe you can leave his business but you have the savings. Or the house. We did that, my ex kept his good pension and me the small house, both were valued at the same amount (while I still had a mortgage on it.) You have children so you need a home for them. If the business is doing well you should be able to get a reasonable amount for child support and hopefully even financial support for you until the children are both at school say, if he is honest about profits. You are definitely right to get your own legal advise if he has. Don't agree on anything without legal advise.
> ...


He doesn't sound like he wants to abandon his children, just to stop being married to her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> He doesn't sound like he wants to abandon his children, just to stop being married to her.


You cant really have one without the other. He is going to leave either way.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> You cant really have one without the other. He is going to leave either way.


Yes you can, people do it all the time. He is going to leave their mother, but still share custody with her. Once she gets a job, she will see them about as much as he does. The majority of married couples do that (both husband and wife work), and the kids are fine, so there won't be any harm to her kids that their parents do it.

In fact, I think the kids will be better off with their parents divorced because they won't have to endure their loud, angry fighting and toxic marriage (according to the OP's description of the past few years).


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> Yes you can, people do it all the time. He is going to leave their mother, but still share custody with her. Once she gets a job, she will see them about as much as he does. The majority of married couples do that (both husband and wife work), and the kids are fine, so there won't be any harm to her kids that their parents do it.
> 
> In fact, I think the kids will be better off with their parents divorced because they won't have to endure their loud, angry fighting and toxic marriage (according to the OP's description of the past few years).


If you leave your family you are going to see far less of them. You are not going to be around as a full time parent like you are now. Things will vastly change and the children will be badly affected either way.


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> You certainly don't seem to be able to handle being questioned very well...
> 
> If you guys fought all the time and you paid for everything, then you should be happy he's leaving, you will have alot more money and a peaceful home life once he's gone. You were hanging on to a relationship that wasn't making you happy at all.
> You will look back on this in a year or two and realize it was a GIFT from him that he left, so you could find someone you were happy with.


Somehow I do agree with you. When it comes to financials he’s the kind of person who only sees money as how to spend it, while I am cautious and I care/d for our multitalented future..I always tried to save and I tried to do my best for him to save his money too. 
He’s the kind of person who always wants the newest and best! The highest quality! And this would have been fine if we had the funds, if we were good when it came to our housing situation - of things were settled andfinancially stable. But he has his own company and it can go up and down financially! You never knowhow next year/following 6 months will look like. Yet, he bought (among other things!) a coffee machine for the price of 10.000 dollars!! Yes, TEN thousand dollars!! Watches for over 100.000 dollars!!! And the list goes on!! I find it so upsetting how he lives like a lonely wolf. Selfish way of acting and so inconsiderate of that he’s having a family. This has lead to so many fights in the past!


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> I got the impression because you seem very resistant to getting a job and you have argued with those who have suggested you get a job.
> 
> Are you or are you not employed????
> 
> Was the money you were paying these bills with your money that you made from your own employment or were you making payments from his income?





oldshirt said:


> I got the impression because you seem very resistant to getting a job and you have argued with those who have suggested you get a job.
> 
> Are you or are you not employed????
> 
> Was the money you were paying these bills with your money that you made from your own employment or were you making payments from his income?


I would like you to point out where I seemed resistant to getting a job and where I seemed to have argued with those who suggested so?

I have been on maternity leave for 1.5 year (normal in my country) but with a small income. Despite having a small income, I still paid the majority (rent, heat, water, electricity, cell phone bills) for my OWN money!!
Your way of writing is very provoking and unpleasant. I wonder what you’re doing on a help site?


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Learn from this. Never be a dependent again. Get a job, get a lawyer (as you’ve done) and stop defining yourself based on his approval. The man you loved doesn’t exist and never existed. Let it go and start thinking about your children, because he couldn’t care less about them or you. And never, ever say again that it is bad for women to be smart. That is a huge lie. There is nothing unfeminine about intelligence or strength.


Oh there’s absolutely nothing bad or unfeminine about intelligence or strength!! On the contrary! I just wish I could have been a bit stronger and more businesseslady-minded and to keep my feelings and bad consciousness out of this! I truly wish!! Because he still lives here (we even share the same bed!) and he won’t leave! Neither the bed or the apartment (before everything in regards to the kids and financials have been settled) then I feel so drained and I feel like (well, actually he directly is!!) trying to blackmail me and push me on a daily basis, min stop! And gaslight me! It’s so difficult this situation!


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Strawberry1984 said:


> Oh there’s absolutely nothing bad or unfeminine about intelligence or strength!! On the contrary! I just wish I could have been a bit stronger and more businesseslady-minded and to keep my feelings and bad consciousness out of this! I truly wish!! Because he still lives here (we even share the same bed!) and he won’t leave! Neither the bed or the apartment (before everything in regards to the kids and financials have been settled) then I feel so drained and I feel like (well, actually he directly is!!) trying to blackmail me and push me on a daily basis, min stop! And gaslight me! It’s so difficult this situation!


It’s so hard, I’m so sorry. It’s very unfair that he is putting you through this. ❤


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