# Options?



## pandamo (Apr 24, 2012)

My wife committed adultery. Reconciliation won't happen. I have enough evidence, but probably not enough to use as grounds for divorce. I would probably be able to collect more with a PI if I had to. I'd like to not take it to court, for both the large amounts of money that we'd spend, what it would put us and our child through, and the public exposure, so it would become a no fault uncontested divorce after a year separated.

My lawyer has requested that her lawyer draft up a separation agreement, including her leaving the home, custody/visitation, support, etc. and take it from there. So far, nothing has been received.

The plan or strategy as explained to me, is to try to come to agreement on custody and division of assets and avoid court, while using her adultery as leverage in negotiations.

Has anyone had experience in this type of situation? How did things progress and eventually turn out?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

pandamo:

Sorry, I have NO experience with this situation, but someone else here might. It might help to give us an idea where you live since divorce laws vary by country or state (w/in the USA).

If you have waited a reasonable length of time for the separation agreement, then have YOUR lawyer move on it and write one up. It will then be HER and her attorney's responsibility to revise it if they don't like the terms (and IF you agree to it.)


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## pandamo (Apr 24, 2012)

The US, although I don't know if i want to divulge the state at this point. It's equitable division here, not sure if adultery would affect that or custody much from what I have learned.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do you even live in a fault-state? Cause most states are not. 

Generally adultery doesn't effect the divorce outcome made by a judge. Just saying.

If she's still not sending paperwork over, I'd file everything you want first in writing and have your lawyer send it to her.

Good luck.


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## pandamo (Apr 24, 2012)

Yes my state still has fault basis as well. Wondering how much leverage I can use with that hanging over her head though, without actually using it? Get more of the assets? Primary custody and support? Guess there's just too many variables to consider and was looking for others who might have used a similar strategy?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

What is your attorney's take on bringing the adultery leverage to bear? Has he/she used it successfully in the past or known someone who did? How did they work it?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

pandamo said:


> Yes my state still has fault basis as well. Wondering how much leverage I can use with that hanging over her head though, without actually using it? Get more of the assets? Primary custody and support? Guess there's just too many variables to consider and was looking for others who might have used a similar strategy?


Yikes. I'm in Canada, totally different rules.

I am the wife, and I'm also waiting for my stbxh to write up the separation agreement. I had one written up, and he refused to sign it. 

From what I know, in my situation, adultery (proven) has no effect on the assets, as that is governed by the matriomonial property act. 

Children are a separate issue. Support and living arrangements are based on what is BEST for the children, not who is deemed a cheater. 

The only difference proving adultery makes is there is no mandatory 1 year separation. Divorce claims will go immediately to court.

A legal separation is more important than the divorce papers, especially if you have children.

Being granted a divorce only means you are legally free to marry someone else. That's it. Everything else is settled by the separation agreement ahead of time.


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## pandamo (Apr 24, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> What is your attorney's take on bringing the adultery leverage to bear? Has he/she used it successfully in the past or known someone who did? How did they work it?


His initial advice was getting more evidence from a PI to go the adultery grounds. But then I learned the costs involved, and the little difference it makes when the judge finally determines division of assets and eventually custody, which would probably be about 50/50 anyway, but minus all the money spent on attys and court. Assuming he'd prefer litigation, but I figure this is the best first step at least under my circumstances. I just don't know what her continuing adultery means to the negotiation of the separation agreement. I know she won't be punished for breaking her marriage vows, but I'm at least hoping the knowledge of being able to divorce her under those grounds can cost her something.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

have you 'googled' your state's divorce laws for fault concerning adultery?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Having hard evidence not only would it help your side in D on grounds of adultery but also when your kids grow up their mother wont feed them lies making you the badguy. 

Is she living in the same house? You can do most of the things a PI would.


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