# Is this the end of my marriage



## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

I really am at my lowest moment at the moment. My husband of five years is having an cyber affair. He is going out with this lady from another country, they communicate on face book and phone each other even in my presence. I started realing the usual symptoms like he is so distant and could really care less if he hurts my feelings.Last year after trying for four years we were blessed with a baby boy who is one. I never thought my son would grow in a broken marriage....ever!!! I got proof about the affair on Satarday on his phone, and he did not deny it and really could care less. They were texting each other erotic messeges...etc. He is not showing any remorse at all. If anything he blames the problems we had as the cause...of which I really thought we could work out those problems. He even refuses counselling. Surprisingly we both go to church and I really thought he was a strong christian.
He hides his phone and even gets out of the house to access it. After realing about the affair on Satarday I callled the other woman (she is also married). She started hurtling insults at me and I promptly cut the phone.
The other woman removed my husband from her FB profile and but by Monday they were 'friends again'. He then removed me from his 'friends' list. So that I cant access his profile. But I know they are chatting together...even today she called and he cut the phone when she called back i could clearly hear her but he pretended as if the phone was breaking.
I wanted to fight for my marriage but do not have the strength esp when it's apparent that he really could care less and will do nothing towards making this thing work. It hurts so much esp since I really thought we were gonna make this thing work. I am actually thinking of moving out as I really cant bear staying in the same house with him, with him showing his indifference. I really cant beg for his love that he doesn't want to give. But I am just so lost and can hardly believe it's over


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

What types of problems were you having in the marriage before the affair started?


----------



## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

Mainly we were fighting esp about money. Honestly I never thought they were that great... I considered our relationship quite strong and I thought we were quite ok. But apparently from one of the messeges he sent the womans sister he was explaining that in both marriages they are out of love. Meaning he is out of love with me


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I wanted to fight for my marriage but do not have the strength esp when it's apparent that he really could care less and will do nothing towards making this thing work. It hurts so much esp since I really thought we were gonna make this thing work. I am actually thinking of moving out as I really cant bear staying in the same house with him, with him showing his indifference. I really cant beg for his love that he doesn't want to give. But I am just so lost and can hardly believe it's over.


I'm writing on the assumption that your first sentence in this paragraph is true: you 'wanted' to fight for your marriage. You claim you don't have the strength to do so...

First thing I'd like to point out is that people generally have a lot more strength than they think they do. My guess is that you have plenty within you to fight for your marriage. It may be scary, seem unpleasant - even be something you'd rather not do. But none of those things are proof that you don't have the strength!

The main question is: do you want to fight for your marriage? If so, there is a LOT you can do.

This is an affair. *Always keep that in mind!*. That is important because an affair is built on a fantasy. It is NOT a reflection of reality. It is a dream where that other woman seems to be all the answers to all the problems your husband ever experienced. The fantasy tells him that she is perfect, can and will do no wrong. On top of that, the fantasy is distorting what you two have. Every problem you have, he magnifies until it is too big to face. Every good point is minimized until it no longer exists. 

THAT is why he seems indifferent. THAT is why he is doing nothing to make your marriage work.

Until the affair ends, _NO work can be done on your marriage. _Keep that in mind as well: your number one priority - if you want to save your marriage - is to end that affair. 

And there is a LOT you can do! 

4 things to do when you discover an affair.

7 Steps to take to end an affair.

I'd like to point out a couple of things that are encouraging: 

You say he doesn't care - and yet notice that he is hiding the affair. This means that he does care about what you think. If he did not care, he'd be bringing her home and sleeping with her, making you sleep on the couch. The fact that he is hiding the affair is actually a sign that he is unsure - something that you can capitalize on. He is trying to keep you AND have this other woman. That means that you do mean something to him - somewhere - deep inside.

Second: if he is truly a Christian, his conscience will be bothering him. Again, this works in your favor: he will have doubts because of immoral action. 

Advice: do not try to 'guilt' him into changing. Instead, begin now to make your marriage the better alternative.

You DO have the strength - and a great site here for resources and help.


----------



## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

Thanks for the input. I really do not feel like I have any options since my husband shows that he could care less . I have asked him to leave end of month...he says he wants to arrange a few things before he does. he needs another month. I really cant bear having him around whilst he blatantly chats with the other woman. We do not even sleep together anymore...he prefers sleeping in the lounge so that they can text each other in privacy. He no longer even wants to be intimate with me....even to hold me. Sometimes when you talk to him he just keeps quite as if he could care less and i never said anything. This is really hurting and I dont think I can take it anymore. It's better for me to move on with my life right now rather than prolong something that's gonna happen anywhere. I can deal with the pain much faster that way.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Well, it's your choice - it seems to me that you are giving up way too easily. 

All of his actions are standard behavior for a person having an affair - it happens to pretty much anyone who has experienced the pain. The difference here is with you - what you are going through is very common, and usually quite temporary - and the speed at which this stage ends is often entirely dependent upon the spouse who is not having the affair willing to fight for the marriage. 

That entails someone viewing the marriage as worth fighting for. It requires someone who cares about the marriage. I respect your choice to move in a different direction - the affair itself gives you all you need to end the marriage immediately. I suggest that you might get better help or advice by creating a thread in the divorce sections of this site - in this section you'll find advice and aid in actually saving the marriage. 

My thoughts are with you! Someday you'll see that you actually have what it takes to be able to speak up, to make changes in your life. I also hope that someday you find something worth fighting for!


----------



## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

Thanks for that. Will it really work. These are my fears. Honestly I treasure my relationship and I would have wanted to stay married to him. The problem is I am the only one with that wish at the moment. I fear that if I push him to stay against his will will he not resent me afterwards.
At yhe moment I dont think anything I do will make it work, and I cant bear the pain of seeing him every day.
But u do have a point...I should decide if my marriage is worth fighting for. But if I do and it does not work then what?????
At the moment I have managed to gatther some information about the OW. She is from another country and is apparently married. I have the husbands's number and I plan to call him and tell him what's going on. I dont think he knows. But I think calling him will put pressure on the unfaithfuls and i know my husband will definitely be angry with me.
Say I take your advice what would be my next step?


----------



## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

"A",

(i hope thats ok w/ u anonymus as anyone here will tell u, i'm a lazy typist...lol)

Tanelorn (aka TP) is right as usual. u do have more strength deep down as u should have Jesus inside u if u r indeed a christian. right? if so, then i dont need to elaborate that pt then do i.

Christ can do all things. we however, cannot. its up to u who u wish to "tap into" Jesus (greater is he who is in me....), or yer own mortal self/strength. you have free-will/freedom of choice.

What TP recommends is much more possible w/ Jesus' help.

What you feel like doing is well w/in yer rights, but u may feel guilt later on w/ the inevitable "what ifs" that will come
(yer H certainly will, one day, soon perhaps).

Listen to TP. send him a PM even, as he's been where u r in discovering an EA, and how to handle it properly.

am surprised he didnt tell u to check out marriagebuilders.com
or other websites he knows well for referrence materials.

i think u need to arm yerself w/ both biblical truth and ref materials together to get u thru all of this.
cant make any guarrantees of course, but u'll def increase yer chances, w/ nuttin to lose at this pt, right?

btw, if u do take the "hard line" against yer H, then dont let him stay & sponge off u for an additional month, or whatever it is he thinks he's doing. u r just enabling his behavior in my opine.

but if u chose Jesus' way, then get strengthened, cuz yer H is surely gonna test yer patience/limits.

shalom.....


----------



## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

cb45 thanks for that. I will take heed...I am hurting but will pray for God's wisdom. I will even speak to one of the elders in my church.

I have managed to get the other woman's husband's name. I called him and told him about the whole issue. He was so surprised but nevertheless believed me. One of the messeges the OW sent to my husband was en erotic...as follows qoute word for word "Let me tell u all about it, we were in a place called **** hills, we went to see animals, wen we we heading back to the tents, u dared me, i döt knw abt wat, the next thing i took off my thong, ur hand was in my vjj, my nipples were in trouble wit ur sucking and i was on top of u, grinning my waist, morning sweet sounds in ur ear, telling u to do it harder."
Anyway I have just received a messege from husband asking me why I have called OW'S husband. I could care less and I cut the phone. They dd what they did thinking it will end in the dark....worse both Husband and OW showed no concern about my feelings...so they got what they deserved. And in turn she called me...guess my wayward husband gave her my number.
I promptly cut her when she started hurling insults at me. She was telling me how I had messed with the wrong person and telling me my Husband didn't care a bit about me. Anyway she must be feeling what I am feeling now.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

anonymus said:


> Thanks for that. Will it really work. These are my fears.


So what if it doesn't? At least you can tell your son that you tried to save the marriage of his parents. And if it doesn't work...well, you're leaving him anyway.

Did you read the steps Pete gave you? It tells you what to do next.


----------



## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

Ok let me start there now. But I feel so down. He is showing that he protects the other woman more than he does me. He says I pushed him coz he could not get the love he wanted from me. Yes I might have been at fault but he also has his faults and I really am finding it hard to get over his infidelity esp since he is still communicating with the other woman, and it seems like he does not intend to end it. The other woman called and sent me texts yesterday saying 'your husband does not want you'...all sort of things. I am so hurting he sleeps on the couch and has no words to say to me. I am trying to be strong but I ama finding it so hard. Sometimes I am so up there thinking I have a hold on my feelings but sometimes I feel so low I can hardlay function. I am not even eating properly.


----------



## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

turnera - i think I am suffering from pride. But like Taelornpete said 'how important is my marriage'. It really is imporatant. 
I have begun the steps

1. Did investigations and got proof
2. Confonted him and he did not deny it, he is still communicating with her and is not remorseful.
3. Have asked him to leave but he is not willing to...should I do that myself, we live in a rented house. Should I also write him the plan B letter. I feel if I do that he will know how I stand and will have time to think about the whole matter. (esp now since I am going t be away from home for the next 2 days). But I am also worried if he leaves how I will be able to take care of our living expenses. We used to share our home expenses. I am in atight spot.
Am also thinking of contacting my church for assistance as suggested.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Ok let me start there now. But I feel so down. He is showing that he protects the other woman more than he does me.


Please start! I suspect that much of the problem in which you find yourself is in having absolutely no idea of how valuable you are , to your husband, family, friends, and the rest of the world. It appears quite likely that you have created an environment with your husband in which he pretty much gets his way, and he values you very little, if at all.

I am guessing that things may have been this way for a long time. The problem is that you've trained your husband to have no respect for you. I know that sounds very strange, but in reality that's what happens when all you do is let him run over you. Over time, he figures out that you are something that can be ignored, passed by, and pushed aside. It is probably not on purpose - it's just the way that you two have interacted for a long time. So long, in fact, that he has no idea what a real marriage is like.

So its time for you to start. Start working on yourself. Do NOT allow the other woman into YOUR home. Do NOT allow him to carry on his affair at home. If he wants this other woman so badly, let him move in with her. 

Oh wait - she's in another country? Sucks to be him! 



> He says I pushed him coz he could not get the love he wanted from me. Yes I might have been at fault but he also has his faults and I really am finding it hard to get over his infidelity esp since he is still communicating with the other woman, and it seems like he does not intend to end it.


You may not have given him the love he wanted from you - but that does not mean that he therefore HAS to have an affair! He could just as easily take up drugs, move out of the house, etc., etc., etc. An endless list of possible good and bad choices.

He could have even insisted that you get counseling together and talked over with you how he was not getting the love he needs. 

That's what a responsible, moral, loving man would do. 

He has done none of that. THEREFORE do not listen to him. He is trying to make the fact that he is cheating on you YOUR FAULT! It is HIS choice, not yours. 

ALL AFFAIRS ARE THE SOLE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE PERSONS INVOLVED, not the ones being hurt. EVER.



> The other woman called and sent me texts yesterday saying 'your husband does not want you'...all sort of things.


Never, ever, under ANY circumstance, EVER read another text from her, email from her, or letter from her. Never, ever, under any circumstance EVER answer the phone if she calls. Simply turn off the ringer. DO NOT TALK TO HER, DO NOT LISTEN TO HER, CONTACT HER. She is to disappear from your life, starting today, now.



> I am so hurting he sleeps on the couch and has no words to say to me. I am trying to be strong but I ama finding it so hard. Sometimes I am so up there thinking I have a hold on my feelings but sometimes I feel so low I can hardlay function. I am not even eating properly.


If he chooses to keep up relations with this other woman, he needs to leave home. Read the seven steps from affaircare.com. In fact, visit our website and look around. 

Start right away on the list of steps, figure out which one you are one, and let us help you get busy. You have work to do.

And for goodness sakes, don't try to have a hold on your feelings. Simply let them happen! You have work to do, regardless of your feelings. You have steps to take, plans to make, actions to perform. You can do those no matter how you feel. You can't control your feelings anyway!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

anonymous, you're not following the steps in the right order. PLEASE go back and reread them. Print them out so you'll know what order to go into.

After you confront him and he won't stop, you EXPOSE his cheating to someone important to him - parent, brother, sister, friend, pastor. Ask that person to talk to him. If that doesn't stop him, then you EXPOSE to the rest of his important people. Once HE knows that everyone ELSE knows he's cheating, he's got an important decision to make - continue and lose you and the support of his family and friends, or quit the affair and come back to the marriage.

Go do that and report back.


----------



## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

Ok so I exposed but to the EA's husband. There were many communications done btn the 4 of us mainly coming from her. The EA and her husband have decided to work on their marriage. And EA says she is sorry she will have no contact with my husband. Time will prove how true that will be. Now she is afraid of losing her husband and seems like a whole new person...nomore insults. I wasn't replying her sms or answering the phone, so she sent me sms beeging me to answer her phone as she wanted to talk to me ''without the insult''. I think my husband is trying to clear the way by having her convince me that she is no threat anymore and I should be open to discussion with him. Will see how it goes the day after tomorrow as I am not home now. So we can safely say the EA has ended.
Right now I am just gonna give myself to prayer.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

anonymus said:


> So we can safely say the EA has ended.


You can only safely say that if he hands over his cell phone and computer whenever you randomly ask for it, to verify. He has LOST your trust, and needs to regain it. If he refuses, they are still contacting each other.


----------



## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

Tanelornpete said:


> Please start! I suspect that much of the problem in which you find yourself is in having absolutely no idea of how valuable you are , to your husband, family, friends, and the rest of the world. It appears quite likely that you have created an environment with your husband in which he pretty much gets his way, and he values you very little, if at all.!
> I am guessing that things may have been this way for a long time. The problem is that you've trained your husband to have no respect for you. I know that sounds very strange, but in reality that's what happens when all you do is let him run over you. Over time, he figures out that you are something that can be ignored, passed by, and pushed aside. It is probably not on purpose - it's just the way that you two have interacted for a long time. So long, in fact, that he has no idea what a real marriage is like.!





Tanelornpete said:


> He could have even insisted that you get counseling together and talked over with you how he was not getting the love he needs.
> 
> That's what a responsible, moral, loving man would do.
> 
> ...


Very true...esp the counselling route...but he chose to go cry to another woman. Knowing him...since he can no longer continue the EA, he is probably gonna try to sweeten me when I get home...and try to sweeten things up as if nothing happened. It hurts to think that if I hadn't called the EA's husband they would still be togetther left right and centre.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

anonymus said:


> It hurts to think that if I hadn't called the EA's husband they would still be togetther left right and centre.


True, but removing her from the picture had to happen first. At this point, you have the opportunity to really talk to him about your marriage & what you both want going forward. A big part of that will probably be him regaining your trust and living open book for a while until that happens. If you go back to the way things were prior to the EA, it will just eat at you both...but this can be a turning point for your marriage if you both make the effort to work through the recent past, let it go and move forward.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Just to let you know, we all recommend three conditions to returning to the marriage - if any of these three are not met, your boundaries are bring crossed and you should still proceed with your life as if the affair is still continuing: keep moving from one step to the next, in order.

Three conditions:

1) Your husband writes a no contact letter to the other woman - that YOU proof-read and then YOU mail.

Here is a reason for No Contact (part of why I told you to have nothing to do with that Other Woman)

Here are some sample No Contact letters to give you an idea of what you need to see in the letter.

2) Transparent Honesty: He gives you all his passwords, email account and social networking log-ins, access to all phone records, chat records, etc. Actually, its a good idea for you to give him all yours as well, because you will want to show him that you are absolutely trustworthy, that you, unlike him, have nothing to hide. In a healthy marriage, these secrets _should not exist_ between you two.

3) Commitment to working on the marriage - including third party counsel, if necessary. We have lots of tools we can suggest for you that make this a very successful task (and fulfilling, meaningful, etc.) You must also make this commitment - it would do no good for your husband to work on the marriage by himself!

If he is not willing to do these things, there's a huge possibility that the affair is still on-going, but that he is taking it farther underground. 

However, there is some good news: you got through to him, which means that he is NOT as willing to leave this marriage as you at first thought! Stay strong and stay the course! You can do it.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

anonymus said:


> cb45 thanks for that. I will take heed...I am hurting but will pray for God's wisdom. I will even speak to one of the elders in my church.
> 
> I have managed to get the other woman's husband's name. I called him and told him about the whole issue. He was so surprised but nevertheless believed me. One of the messeges the OW sent to my husband was en erotic...as follows qoute word for word "Let me tell u all about it, we were in a place called **** hills, we went to see animals, wen we we heading back to the tents, u dared me, i döt knw abt wat, the next thing i took off my thong, ur hand was in my vjj, my nipples were in trouble wit ur sucking and i was on top of u, grinning my waist, morning sweet sounds in ur ear, telling u to do it harder."
> Anyway I have just received a messege from husband asking me why I have called OW'S husband. I could care less and I cut the phone. They dd what they did thinking it will end in the dark....worse both Husband and OW showed no concern about my feelings...so they got what they deserved. And in turn she called me...guess my wayward husband gave her my number.
> I promptly cut her when she started hurling insults at me. She was telling me how I had messed with the wrong person and telling me my Husband didn't care a bit about me. Anyway she must be feeling what I am feeling now.


Anonymus,
Good for you. Well done I am very proud of you and I don't even know you.

You are on the right path.

I'm thinking your husband hasn't a clue what your terms are if he wishes to be back in your life. But I'm pretty certain you know what they are.

Bob


----------



## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

TanerlonePete - That makes a whole lot of sense...if he really wants to work at this thing he would definitey wanna give me all his passwords etc etc. I was wondering what happens if he is reluctant to give me those and maybe tells me to trust him. How do I react and what do I tell him.
Afeh - The unfaithfuls didn't even know what hit them...they never expected that I would be able to get to the OW's husband. I had to do a little underground investigation. Wasnt difficult just crafty. Up to now they wanna know how I got his numbers.
Swedish - Couldn't be more from the truth...moving forward is the way forward.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> That makes a whole lot of sense...if he really wants to work at this thing he would definitey wanna give me all his passwords etc etc. I was wondering what happens if he is reluctant to give me those and maybe tells me to trust him. How do I react and what do I tell him.


I'd be completely honest with him. If he does pull the 'you just have to trust me' ticket (that's a very common thing) just let him know that you do trust him - to be dishonest with you. What you would like to do is trust him to be honest. To do that he'll have to _prove_ he is honest. Part of that proof is allowing you to be 100% a part of his life - including being a part of his conversations with people outside the marriage. Anything he needs to hide from you - at least right now - tells you that he is still hiding things from you. Repeat the same conditions: let him know that this is what it will take to remain with you. Otherwise, he is free to go be with his other woman. 

Leave the choice up to him, but be prepared to take action if he refuses!


----------



## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

Hmm nice...that definitely gives me strength and the knowledge that I have the power in my hand. The good thing is whilst he is in his own little 'world', of confusion etc etc....I am and my army (u guys) are busy strategising about the whole thing. We know beforehand what he is bound to do and say...and we have the solutions beforehand. It's like getting into a person's head and knowing what they are thining. I know he will probably resist but if I stand firm he will realise I am not gonna be a pushover.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

anonymus said:


> Hmm nice...that definitely gives me strength and the knowledge that I have the power in my hand. The good thing is whilst he is in his own little 'world', of confusion etc etc....I am and my army (u guys) are busy strategising about the whole thing. We know beforehand what he is bound to do and say...and we have the solutions beforehand. It's like getting into a person's head and knowing what they are thining. I know he will probably resist but if I stand firm he will realise I am not gonna be a pushover.


Exactly! And the best part of all of this is that the stuff you learn here makes you a better person. You learn ways to handle difficult situations, people and events - and ways to do thing morally. Meanwhile, our wandering, lost spouses are handling things the way they always do. In the end - guess what they see when they notice you!


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Tanelornpete said:


> - at least right now -


I think this is important to note. Even if he feels it's an invasion of his privacy, if he wants your marriage to move forward from this, he needs to understand that this will be key in rebuilding your trust. It's no fun from either end...hearing his phone go off probably gives you some level of anxiety and looking at it will too, and can also make you think "What kind of marriage do we have if I need to do this?" But this is temporary (which can vary based on whether he 'slips' along the way or if additional information trickles out)...but the longer you go without finding anything suspect, the less you should feel the need to check. And if you are both working on re-connecting with one another during this time, it will accelerate the healing even more.


----------



## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

Well, have been reading over this thred again since I will be home very soon. And once againm thanks guys for all your advice.
This retreat has helped me to look deeper into me...I have realised that I need to work with 'me'. Try to be a beeter person adn focus less on what he should do for me but rather what I can do for him and our marriage. I am learning to listen to my inner promptings. And I am praying that I don't lose my cool and end up angry and shouting...which will not help the situation.
How do I initiate the conversation and what should I say without seeming like I am pushing or begging.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> And I am praying that I don't lose my cool and end up angry and shouting...which will not help the situation.


No, it really doesn't, but it can happen. Don't be too hard on yourself if you make a mistake - a lot of personal growth happens directly as a result of understanding how that mistake happened. 



> How do I initiate the conversation and what should I say without seeming like I am pushing or begging.


1) Phrase everything as a respectful request: as a request, you leave the other person free to choose their own path.

2) Stay honest - let your husband know how much it hurts, how sad you are, how angry you are, etc. Make sure, however, that you don't blame him for those emotions - they are yours. He may do things to which the normal, understandable response is most certainly anger, etc., but one of the biggest roadblocks we all throw in the way of a conversation that can bring about healing is to make your statements sound accusative. Telling someone that they are hurting you brings up defenses, etc., whereas stating that 'when' they do something, _you_ 'feel' a certain way shows that you are simply declaring ownership of your feelings. 

Most importantly, however, is the fact that this is not about feelings - yes, he hurts your feelings, but it is the ACTION itself that should be focused on, regardless of how you feel. SO while you acknowledge your feelings, keep going back to offering a choice to him - a request that he do 'such and such.' He may refuse, he may rage, he may do any number of things - but that doesn't change the request, nor your ability to respond once you know his answer.

Do keep in mind that you can always let him know that when he yells at you, your feelings are hurt - but keep it to an honest statement of fact, don't use it as a reason to hurt back.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Invariably, as you two are carefully rebuilding your marriage, topics will come up that are difficult to discuss but that need to be brought up for a truly healthy relationship. The problem is that in the past, discussions like this were harmful to the marriage, usually due to something like one spouse wording it: YOU do this or that,” and the second spouse responding defensively and it all goes spirals downward into a fight from there. 

One way to respectfully bring up a topic that is uncomfortable, and avoid the downward spiral, is to use the W-T-F-S method. This stands for: “When you...” “I Think...” “I Feel...” “So I'd like to request...” Let's go over each letter! 

*When you...* This is where you would put into words the issue that needs to be addressed. The goal here is not to be blaming or pointing fingers, just identify the action that is taking place.

*I Think...* We all have a voice inside our head like a running narration of what we think, so share those words—share what you think about the specific behavior or pattern and keep the focus on yourself not on your spouse. If you are blessed with a natural thinker type, you'll find this one fairly easy—if you're a feeler type, you will have to put your thoughts into words. 

*I Feel...* This is the point at which you share with your spouse how you feel about the specific behavior or pattern. If you are a natural thinker type, try to stretch your emotional vocabulary beyond "happy" "sad" or "angry"—if you're a feeler type, you'll be able to more naturally put your feelings into words. 

*So I'd like to request...* This final step is actually extremely important; if you skip this step basically all you're doing is complaining! At this step do your best to be specific and ask for what you need, and ask them if they'd be willing to do that. They are completely free to say “yes” or “no” but if they do say “no” ask them what they would be willing to do. Maybe they have a suggestion that really would work for you!


----------



## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

So I went home...but on Satarday we were basically cautious towards each other. On Satarday night he slept in our bed, for the first time in a long time. He was a little distant though we made love. On Monday morning I took his phone and started flipping thru...he is deleting all history. He tells me I should not touch his phone etc etc. Anyway things degenerated from there the whole day. At night we started talking and I decided to be open and tell him how I feel and my hopes.
He said he was not sure about us and felt that our relationship was really not working and he was not sure we can work things out. Anyway I held some hope...hoping for the best.
So today I am at work, am checking his status updates and they have those funny cryptic messeges and they are commenting on each other's walls. Even after I told him I really do not like them contacting each other. He is showing no need to cut any contact with her. He refuses to talk about the other woman and says she is not part of our problems. He says I am just using her as a scapegoat.
I really am confused. I am trying to hold on but sometimes I just lose all the strength


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

"I really do not like them contacting each other..."

You have to decide if you are his wife or his friend.

His wife does NOT share him with another woman.

If you bend on this he WILL cheat on you for the rest of your life.

Tell him you will stay with him ONLY if he stops ALL CONTACT.

Come on, anonymus, think about it.

Right now, you are giving him one HUGE ego boost - two women fighting for his attention. STOP IT!


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

anonymus said:


> One of the messeges the OW sent to my husband was en erotic...as follows qoute word for word "Let me tell u all about it, we were in a place called **** hills, we went to see animals, wen we we heading back to the tents, u dared me, i döt knw abt wat, the next thing i took off my thong, ur hand was in my vjj, my nipples were in trouble wit ur sucking and i was on top of u, grinning my waist, morning sweet sounds in ur ear, telling u to do it harder."


So, the EA is not over. Does your husband know you've seen that message? That in itself is the reason why he can no longer have contact with this woman.

He's saying he thinks the marriage is over regardless of this other woman. Well, I think I would ask him if he believes it's worth a shot to save the marriage since you have a 1 year old son together? Are there things in the marriage you can acknowledge that need working on? If you can get him to agree it's worth a shot, then ask him if he will agree to give 100% to the marriage...which includes stopping all contact with her...you can do the work but if he continues talking to her, he will not be plugged in and you will feel like second fiddle and that he really does not care. 

She may not be the cause of the marital issues, but she sure will be a roadblock in trying to improve the marriage if she's still in the picture.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Call EA's husband RIGHT NOW and tell him they are still contacting each other. NOW.


----------



## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

I have been asking him countless time if he is in this 100%, he is not giving me any definite response, and his actions are so ambigous. He says he wants to stick by his family, but up to now he has never apologised for his affair. He says the affair is only a symptom of problems. Though he is now back in the bedroom he is so distant and will hardly touch me throughout the night, he givies me all kinds of excuses. He says he is tired, it's hot, we have to work on 'us first before we commit sexually or intimately'. I really do not think we need to cut off intimacy in order to work on our relationship.
Yesterday I sent him two emails and today one...he hasn't responded. When I ask him he says he hasn't seen it or he was busy.
I am trying to maintain being positive...and now I feel like he is policing me...like when I found out about the affair I wasn't cooking for him. Started yesterday...and then there he goes criticising what I cook for him. He tells me maybe I need to go learn how to cook and honestly he I know I can cook. I feel if he didn't like something about my cooking he could have just politely highlighted it...and I told him so.
At the moment though he is the one who went astray, I am the one putting a greater fight for my marriage. He says I am pushing him and he does not like it...but can I just lay still and pretend nothing is up.
In the morning whilst driving to work he asked me about his phone memory card that was missing...I told him it probably fell when we were fighting (he was trying to take the phone away from me a week ago). He was livid saying even he erred I had no right to take his phone but it was after I had found about the affair. I actually wanted to destroy the phone but kept myself in check.
Anyway I told him it happened and he has to look for a new one and what I did i did in anger due to his affair. I told him I was choosing to move on with our life and was not concetrating on the affair but 'us'. I told him maybe he should do the same.
Sometimes I feeel like I am making a fool of myself and maybe I should just move out with my son and start a new life (we live in a rented house anyway).


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He WON'T respond, because SHE is meeting half his needs.

Until you focus on getting rid of her, he will NEVER be back into you.

Did you call her husband and tell him they're still in contact? Why not?


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I have been asking him countless time if he is in this 100%, he is not giving me any definite response, and his actions are so ambigous. He says he wants to stick by his family, but up to now he has never apologised for his affair.


Again, it appears that you are not establishing ANY boundaries. And I would like to point out that boundaries are NOT restrictions you place on someone else. They are a fence you place around yourself. 

There is a reason why we suggest that you use those three conditions I listed earlier in order to begin work on your marriage. Not only do they show you that your spouse is in this with you, but they also open the door for the necessary work on your marriage. I'm including them again: _please put them to use!_

Three conditions:

1) Your husband writes a no contact letter to the other woman - that YOU proof-read and then YOU mail.

Here is a reason for No Contact.

Here are some sample No Contact letters to give you an idea of what you need to see in the letter.

2) Transparent Honesty: He gives you all his passwords, email account and social networking log-ins, access to all phone records, chat records, etc. Actually, its a good idea for you to give him all yours as well, because you will want to show him that you are absolutely trustworthy, that you, unlike him, have nothing to hide. In a healthy marriage, these secrets should not exist between you two.

3) Commitment to working on the marriage - including third party counsel, if necessary. We have lots of tools we can suggest for you that make this a very successful task (and fulfilling, meaningful, etc.) You must also make this commitment - it would do no good for your husband to work on the marriage by himself!​
You cannot work on your marriage until the affair is over, completely. Until that happens, NOTHING can be done to build up your marriage. Your desire to be more physical with him indicates that one of your needs is not being met: this is work on your marriage. It will not happen until the affair is over. And the way you know that affair is over is by using the three conditions listed above.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

anonymous~

After reading through your last post I was a little confused because I've read through your thread, all three pages, and I don't see anywhere where your H has said he will end the affair and return to the marriage. I see that you are working on some things and trying...but I don't see where he has agreed to utterly END IT.

Thus like Tanelorn, I have to re-iterate that you will not be able to do any work on your marriage or make your marriage any better until the affair is OVER. Trying to work on your marriage while the affair is ongoing is like spinning tires in the mud--you just dig the hole deeper and deeper and get more and more stuck in the mire! From what I can see, you are trying to skip Phase #1 (End the Affair) and trying to head straight to Phase #2 (Rebuild Your Marriage). I'm not suggesting that you stop being a better wife and woman, as working on yourself is always a good idea, but I am saying that it is not realistic to expect a man who is actively involved in an affair to think clearly and logically about what he doing, who he's hurting, or care about the marriage. Right now if he's still involved in the affair, he is in Selfish Mode and he is in what we call Disloyal Dizziness. He will do some things that just make NO SENSE; he will do things that are 100% contrary to his natural personality and beliefs. He will, at times, come across like an alien has inhabited his body, because he *looks* the same but acts entirely different. 

So the first thing you need to focus on, before you work on building a better marriage, is ending the affair. Let me say that again: all your energy and focus right now has got to be on one thing and one thing only: putting an end to the infidelity. Until that happens, there can be no building. Now you can not "make" a person do what they are unwilling to do--if you did so, it would involve force! But you can make it so that the affair is not easy for him, and you can allow him to experience the natural consequences of choosing to turn to another woman! The way to allow someone to experience the natural consequences of choosing an affair is to set boundaries--around yourself--that control what you will and will not allow in your life. And #1 on that boundary list is if he wants to be with you and have all the benefits of you, you will not allow another woman in the marriage.


----------



## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

Ok I hear you guys. true he has not indicated that he is going to end the relationship. And he is showing no need to do that. He says I should not worry about it, but I always see they are posting on each other's walls. I have tried asking him to follow the steps you said Tanerlonpete but he is unwilling to do that. And if he is not willing to how do I make him????
At the moment I do not have solid proof that they are talking to each other besides the facebook wall posts, Today he went to sleep in the lounge says he wants to wake up and 'read'. I asked him to join me in bed but he refused. How can I say I have a husband when I hardly interact and talk to him. He is closing all doors, and when I talk to him he says I am being pushy, and from waht he says I am just being insecure for nothing, and I should rather be focusing on defferent things. What should i focus on beside building our relationship.
Do you think I should move on to the carrot stick phase...coz like you highlighted before he is enjoying both worlds. Maybe if I take myself out of the picture he will learn to appreciate my value and I feel the fog will quickly clear.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You don't ASK him. You TELL him that you will NOT stay married to a man who remains in contact with another woman.

Period.

If you are not willing to do that, then just give up and let him have her.

Have you called her husband today?


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Ok I hear you guys. true he has not indicated that he is going to end the relationship. And he is showing no need to do that. He says I should not worry about it, but I always see they are posting on each other's walls. I have tried asking him to follow the steps you said Tanerlonpete but he is unwilling to do that. And if he is not willing to how do I make him????


You can't make him do anything. If he won't follow the conditions to recovery, it's because at the moment he is unwilling to return to the marriage. And because of this, you need to move into full 'fight-the-affair' mode. 

Work through the seven steps _without skipping any_ - this seems, from experience, to work best. The only step you should do out of order is what you mention later - the 'carrot & stick' phase: you should be working on that all the time right now.

The step at which you most likely should be is DISCLOSURE: talk to a pastor, a parent, ANYONE whom your husband respects as wise counsel, and is on the side of the marriage. Let them confront him - don't step beyond this until you know how your husband responds to this. 

THEN be prepared to move to the next step.

In the meantime, consider and set up your boundaries. Figure out that to which you will and will not subject yourself - and then live by those principles.



> How can I say I have a husband when I hardly interact and talk to him. He is closing all doors, and when I talk to him he says I am being pushy, and from waht he says I am just being insecure for nothing, and I should rather be focusing on defferent things. What should i focus on beside building our relationship.


Your husband is deep in the fog, he cannot think his way out of it. Keep that in mind! 

Right now, focus on YOU, and focus on ending the affair. You can't do anything about your relationship with your husband right now, but you most certainly can work on yourself.

Here's a quiz to start with.

Here's a site with descriptions of what you find out in that quiz.



> o you think I should move on to the carrot stick phase...coz like you highlighted before he is enjoying both worlds. Maybe if I take myself out of the picture he will learn to appreciate my value and I feel the fog will quickly clear.


That's not really the carrot & Stick phase: that's the one following: and no, not yet. You could consider asking him to move out - that you won't share your home with an unfaithful partner, but that is up to you. Otherwise, stay with Carrot & Stick.


----------



## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

Yes I hear you Turnera. I have told him that so should I kick him out since he is not respecting my boundaries.


----------



## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

TP I am going to call the church tomorrow and am considering kicking him out. One day he will just find all his staff in the garage...and all the locks changed.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

anonymus said:


> TP I am going to call the church tomorrow and am considering kicking him out. One day he will just find all his staff in the garage...and all the locks changed.


One step at a time! Do everything with thought, care and purpose - keep your emotions to yourself. I'd even advise that you not kick him out in anger, but if you do because he is overstepping a boundary. 

Talking to the pastor at church is a very good step: at the same time, prepare a list of everyone else you will expose this to if the visit to the pastor does not suffice. You'll need this list before you take that step, because you will have to do that one _very_ quickly. If you don't, if you hesitate, or simply tell one or two other people, rather than all at once, he will go to the rest and begin a campaign of informing them how insane you are. You'll need to get to them first.


----------



## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

Good idea Pete. And he is so against the idea of me telling his folks and friends. Today in the morning i surprised him in the lounge and took his phone. He got all jittery and jumpy but I locked the door. Sure enough they have been texting each other nonestop. Last text yesterday qoute 'u know dat i love u, right... '
He said I shouldn't look for it and since I did, I should just deal with it. With no care in the world. Sometimes I wonder whatever I did to deserve this. They deleted each other names on FB. But nothing can stop them from going underground. Even the OWs phone was saved under 'oooo'.
Can't get the sad picture of my son, in the morning when he was looking at us fighting about the issue.
He says he will go nowhere and stick for his baby...and he said I should have given him time to deal with the whole issue in his own time. WTF


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...did you call her husband again?

btw, IGNORE everything he tells you - it is all fog babble designed to deflect any fault back onto you so he can keep cake-eating.

The ONLY thing you should be doing right now is calling HER husband and HIS parents.


----------



## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

I emailed the husband...he has not yet responded. But sofar they have removed each other from their facebook profiles. His mom is gone, his dad is hospitalised and the people I can talk to right now are his brothers who are maybe 3-5 years younger than him. We live in a foreign country and they are the only family here that really counts on his side. Should I talk to them too?


----------



## BlueEyedBeauty (Sep 27, 2010)

I first would have to say​​"You are right to be upset about what is going on here" He is still cheating on you, seeing that he is talking dirty to other women and acting on ways of having sex, with another women. I also feel that this is not his first time doing this either- and also I am sure he has gone out on you as well....

​I really do not even know why
Men, would even think of doing such a thing; even some females as well, when you, marry someone your soul and your heart and everything else belongs to that person. NO OTHER. I do not think it is right how a man or even female would do that to their loved ones. Love, is something so hard to come by and then when people do so happen think they have found true love; They do something so dumb and so stuipd. I feel though you, would be more happier if you, did move on; I know you do not want to hear that but it is true. I also know you, feel what I am telling you, is something you have already been thinking in the back of your mind...​
Now for him being so heartless and carelss​That is something that just is toatally wrong and he is most likely like I said- is going out on you and also having the phone sex and cyber sex. Now, I know when it come to me No way in hell would I ever even think of having cyber or even phone sex. For one it is NASTY and for two I AM DEVOTED TO MY HUSBAND... I also am not one who has sex- I make love, and yes, there is a difference between the two of them. I do hope though you, choice to do the right thing. I hope though you, did think about what I said here- I know you have thought this yourself...​

_*(ALSO I JUST ABOUT FORGOT)*_
HE HAS NO RIGHT ACTING TO HAVE TO LORD, WITHIN HIS HEART- 
THEN GOING AROUND AND ACTING LIKE THIS- IT IS NOT RIGHT
HE SHOULD NOT EVEN BE WELCOMED INTO THE CHRUCH HE IS GOING TOO


----------



## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Wow, i read all the things people are saying to help and i agree with alot of it. But alot of it will only work if your husband has the mindset to agree with these tactics. It doesn't look like to me that he is willing to do so. I honestly think you are wasting your time, and that's kinda sad in a way, because as a man it hurts to see other men do this to a woman who loves them. I mean you appear to be bending over backwards trying to make this work, whereas he isn't even willing to meet you half way.

I know you want to save your family, but at the same time you at some point have to save your dignity and no longer waste your time on someone who isn't worth fighting for. I'm an 11 year marriage vet, which probably pails in comparison to others on here, but i've watched my brothers marriage end in divorce, my parents, my niece, close friends, so basically i've seen it all. Until there is some "startling turn of events" on his part, i really don't see you guys making this work. Take your son and move in with close family or a friend, don't allow him to continue to wreck your life. Why do you get to cry yourself to sleep everynight while he chats it up with his fling.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

anonymus said:


> I emailed the husband...he has not yet responded. But sofar they have removed each other from their facebook profiles. His mom is gone, his dad is hospitalised and the people I can talk to right now are his brothers who are maybe 3-5 years younger than him. We live in a foreign country and they are the only family here that really counts on his side. Should I talk to them too?


 Of course you should! You're fighting to save your marriage, and he needs to hear from people he cares about that he is doing the wrong thing! You've asked him to stop, he's refused, so you are on to the next step: exposing the affair. Once it's out in the open, he'll have two choices - continue it and look like an ass, or give it up.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> Good idea Pete. And he is so against the idea of me telling his folks and friends.


Yes, anonymus, if it were up to him, you would be his live-in babysitter/housemaid and be okay with the fact that he's being romantic with another woman. You'd let him carry on like a teenager, and keep it secret so he can keep the fantasy going. The fact that you are not okay being his live-in sitter/maid disrupts his Affair Fantasy. The fact you will not accept him being romantic with another woman disrupts his Affair Fantasy. The fact that you'd speak up for yourself disrupts his Affair Fantasy. The fact that you'd tell others puts a HUGE CRIMP in his Affair Fantasy!



> Today in the morning i surprised him in the lounge and took his phone. He got all jittery and jumpy but I locked the door. Sure enough they have been texting each other nonestop. Last text yesterday qoute 'u know dat i love u, right... '


So you have concrete proof it is adultery and it is still ongoing. Can you print it or send it to yourself on email or something so you can see their IM log? Or can you print the screen on your cell phone bill to prove how often they text or how often they call and for how long? You already knew it was an affair, now you are positive and now you know he is not stopping. 



> *He said I shouldn't look for it and since I did, I should just deal with it.* With no care in the world. Sometimes I wonder whatever I did to deserve this. They deleted each other names on FB. But nothing can stop them from going underground. Even the OWs phone was saved under 'oooo'.


Yes well this is what we call Disloyal Dizziness--namely when a spouse is disloyal they say things that are such nonsense that you almost do a double take. So let me see if I have this straight: in his head YOU are to blame because you took his phone and read it...not because HE has been writing the adulterous IMs to a woman other than his wife.  :scratchhead: Ummm....huh?  In his head, the woman to whom he promised that he would forsake all others and with whom he vowed to "become one" is not allowed to look at his phone.  :scratchhead: Ummmm...what?  Nonsense!



> He says he will go nowhere and stick for his baby...and *he said I should have given him time to deal with the whole issue in his own time.* WTF


See? More Disloyal Dizziness. So in his head, you should sit back and let him carry on with another woman, be romantic with another woman, flirt and carry on sexual innuendo with another woman, and be okay with that ... until he feels the time is right to stop or slow down anyway.  :scratchhead: Ummmm... WTF?  No way! 

Anonymus, you keep getting distracted and off-track with your plans to save your marriage though by pulling stunts like this. You did Step 1: Gather Evidence, right? You have enough proof that you are confident it is an affair and you can trust your own instincts, right? Okay and you did Step 2: Confront, which is where you speak to him directly and say that you KNOW he is committing adultery, you have proof and won't take excuses or denial, and you ask him right out to end the affair right now. Right? 

So what happened to Step 3: Disclose? You were going to go talk to your pastor and tell him what's going on, ask for the pastor's support and for his help to talk to your husband to strongly suggest he end his affair. Did that happen today? Did the pastor contact your husband today?

Instead, you did this thing with the phone, confirmed that the affair is still going strong, confirmed that he's not quitting it, and engaged in an argument with your husband, possibly doing more Love Extinguishers! And now you want to skip Step 3: Disclose and head straight to Step 4: Exposure (that's the one where you tell relatives, employers, and the OW's husband). I personally strongly recommend that you get back on track, do not be distracted from the mission (which is ending the affair so you can save your marriage), keep that FIRMLY in mind, and tomorrow go to talk to your pastor first thing. It is an emergency! 

Please let us know how the talk with the pastor goes.


----------



## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

Thanks for all your response and input. Your support really means a lot to me.
I have taken most of the advice you guys offered.
After I found out about the last message he sent the OW, things seemed to be headed for a showdown. I spoke to someone from my church, they advised me to rather pray about the situation. I did. They did not speak to my husband however, they said they will if the situation shows no improvement.
I wrote my husband a letter as i did not want to talk to him directly (as it would have degenerated into a fight). I was basically letting him know my boundaries and how I felt about the situation. I told him if he was unwilling to shape up and commit 100% to our relationship...there was no hope of us ever making it as a couple. It would be better for us to go our seperate ways.I guess he had an opportunity to think about the letter and it's contents. I can say since then I am seeing the old person I know in glimpses. He is no longer as cold and I can now reach out to him without feeling as if I am hitting a brick wall. He is no longer dogdy in his actions and I would want to believe that he has ended the affair as he says. So far nothing much indicates that it's still ongoing. Previously he was unwilling to confirm that he had ended the relationship, but lately he has been reassuaring me that it's over.
On the 3 steps suggested i can say
1. No contact letter. He has initiated no contact with the OW.
2. I have spoken to him about him being completely honest with me but I have not had any success as he refuses to give me his passwords etc etc. He says I should be able to trust him (I told him I cannot at the moment trust his words as he has lied to me before). He says focusing on this issue will not solve any problems as we need to focus on rebuilding our relationship. He says he does not want to feel like I have to check up on him every time for our relationship to work. I must say we have had some fights about the issue as I get so suspicious whenever he receives a call or messege. I am really not ok with it.
3. He has shown commitment towards the relationship in small and subtle ways. He is more open and he listens to what I have to say. We managed to discuss our some of our issues and we both agreed that our problems stem from lack of communication or inability of. He has been trying to please me and meet my needs.

So besides the fact that number 2 has not worked out, we seem to be getting some progress.

We still have a long way to go but for now I can say we are both taking some steps to make this work. At the moment I am not completely convinced about his commitment but we agreed to take each day at a time. Learn to be 'civil' to each other and rebuild the love and intimacy.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IDK but I would NOT accept him not giving you his passwords. All that means is that he wants to be able to still cheat. Period.

If you accept this BS he will be cheating the rest of your life.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

I would put _*no*_ stock in what he is telling you. Remember what Affaircare wrote above?:



> I personally strongly recommend that you get back on track, *do not be distracted* from the mission (which is ending the affair so you can save your marriage), keep that FIRMLY in mind...


There are two major red flags in what you wrote:

1) He refuses to give you transparent honesty. He tells you you have to 'trust him.' Exactly WHY must you? What would he say if the situation were reversed? If you had been the unfaithful one, hiding email and phone from your husband - and then telling him to just 'deal with it'? This kind of secrecy has NO PLACE in a marriage.

2) He 'told you' that he ended contact. 

No he has NOT ended contact. Instead, he has changed tactics. The three conditions we list are not negotiable:

1) He WRITES a no contact letter (see the sample ones again) - which you then PROOFREAD and then YOU mail to her.

You didn't take this step. Instead, you were distracted - he told you "oh, there's no need to go that far - I've already ended it!" And you went along with this - because he changed how he was interacting with you. More on that in a moment.

2) You both agree to total, transparent honesty. Do you have secret passwords specifically designed to keep your husband from reading your mail? What kind of things do you need to keep him from reading? He asks you to TRUST HIM on this? Why? 

This step has not been taken. Instead, he refuses, and instead decides to keep his stuff safe from his nosy wife. What kind of husband does that? An honorable one? A trustworthy one? Hardly!

3) You are working on the third condition. There's a reason for this: it's the easiest. All you have to do it talk about problems. 

But wait - in reality it ISN'T that easy! If you are aware of your emotional needs, or love kindlers (have you taken either quiz?) then you know what you need to build love. But the MOST important step is to end Love Extinguishers (or Love Busters). One of the main love busters is dishonest behavior - hiding things from your spouse. Another is disrespectful judgment: his telling you that you are not worthy of him being honest is _about as disrespectful a thing as I can imagine_.

So in essence, he has not met the three conditions that we advice (after a LOT of experience) are most conducive to recovering your marriage!

So. He's been acting differently. This is not a surprise! He does not want to lose what he has at home. And he learned that his behavior was about to cost him that. He realized he had better do some quick damage control. He knows you: he knows just what he can do to get you to back off, become more 'submissive'. He can play on your hopes and dreams to get things back in line with what he wants. 

Remember that a person in an affair is like an addict. They are not thinking correctly. Their mind is fogged by the 'zing' of the affair. And, like a drug addict, they will do ANYTHING to keep the supply of the drug ongoing. Including 'working' on things at home.

The affair is still ongoing - even if temporarily on hold (which I doubt). If anything, he will now try to take it even farther underground. If your husband were truly serious about things, he would be willing to fulfill ALL three conditions, not simple a portion of the third one! 

Stay on track: if you want your marriage you'll have to keep in mind the FOG in his mind!


----------



## anonymus (Sep 21, 2010)

Hi guys...thanks for your responses.

Your advice is quite sound but the more I try to talk to him about it the more we fight. I know he should be doing all the things you are highlighting but what is the point if it is just making us drift further apart and fight.
My heart 80% tells me to believe that he has actualy ended the affair. The signs that something is still on are almost nil (have problem with trust issues) He does not realise that by doing all the things u have highlighted I would be better able to deal with trusting him again. Of coz I get doubts and frustrations here and there but we are trying to work things out. It might not be at the pace I want or expect but at least we are both trying.
Things could be far better than they are currently but I am not expecting any instant miracles....but am trying to take each day as it comes and work thru the challenges that it presents. Hopefully in the near future I will be able to speak of a completely different marriage that is more ideal and what we both want.


----------

