# stupid stupid stuoid



## goner (Jul 25, 2012)

Today I thought it would be wise to ask my wife who left 2 months ago if I had a chance in the future if not should I move on she said no way. I'm still in love and its okay that she doesn't right now. I ruined her faith in me. If I would have just listened to her as she left she said get help. Instead I flipped the f out, smashed stuff, drank, pestered her friends, kept calling over and over crying and pleading. That killed her heart. Its still pretty fresh. She explained it as a gaping wound. I asked if we are over she said yes, I asked if we had a chance, at first said "I don't know" I said that's not an answer. She said no. No chance. I asked if I keep up with myself and I prove I'm not the monster I made my self out to be, say a few months, then maybe? She said I don't know I can't plan that far out. I think I f-ed up again. Shot my self in the foot. She is hot and cold. Says she loves me, says she doesn't. I may have confronted this too soon. Se hurts a lot right now. I'm being kinda patient. Not enough though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Yup. Don't be stupid again. I've been in your shoes.

Go completely dark on her. Stop all contact. I mean ALL contact. This is not a joke or a suggestion. It's a MUST. It's for you.

If you actually do this and be honest about it, you will not only find your true strength, you may find your wife chasing after you.

Only if you stop ALL contact. No exceptions. No BS excuses. Nothing. No contact.

Do this honestly for 2 weeks and notice the difference.


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## goner (Jul 25, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Yup. Don't be stupid again. I've been in your shoes.
> 
> Go completely dark on her. Stop all contact. I mean ALL contact. This is not a joke or a suggestion. It's a MUST. It's for you.
> 
> ...


We have a 5 year old boy. Not so easy. I want to cut it down to that. Just him for however long it takes.
I've been cruising the threads for about a week now and I know your advice is solid. Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

goner said:


> We have a 5 year old boy. Not so easy. I want to cut it down to that. Just him for however long it takes.
> I've been cruising the threads for about a week now and I know your advice is solid. Thank you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because you are a man (easier for me to be harsh on) and because I know exactly what you're going through, I will be giving you some rough responses for a while. This is not to force you to be a man or anything like that. This is to remind you of what you would do if your own brother was going through something similar.

Your 5 year old should not pose a real problem to staying dark. Staying dark means being fully mysterious and out of reach when it comes to conversations that are not related to your son's immediate needs. Even conversations about his future and things that are not happening in the next 5 days should all be avoided by YOU. Your wife may try many methods to corner you and crush your heart. She resents you. That's what resentment does.

Start making real changes to your life. Start living life like a true single parent. No faking. All real stuff. Imagine your wife GONE. What is "goner" to do if his wife doesn't exist? She doesn't exist right now. 

You want to surprise your wife? Show her what you're capable of without her. Make her realize that she could truly lose you if she keeps this up.


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## goner (Jul 25, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Because you are a man (easier for me to be harsh on) and because I know exactly what you're going through, I will be giving you some rough responses for a while. This is not to force you to be a man or anything like that. This is to remind you of what you would do if your own brother was going through something similar.
> 
> Your 5 year old should not pose a real problem to staying dark. Staying dark means being fully mysterious and out of reach when it comes to conversations that are not related to your son's immediate needs. Even conversations about his future and things that are not happening in the next 5 days should all be avoided by YOU. Your wife may try many methods to corner you and crush your heart. She resents you. That's what resentment does.
> 
> ...


That's some truth. She took everything. I mean EVERYTHING. I got clothes, a rig, a job, and a couch. She took the $. So about 3 weeks ill be set for an apartment. Then its off to rent-a-center. I'm okay with her shooting me down. I want her to be happy. 

I've been wondering how to go dark with my son involved. That good info. Keep it clean and succinct. 

At what point do I let her back if she chooses? If, at that point, I'm okay with it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

It is tough going dark with children involved. I remain polite in a monotone sort of way when I see my ex (usually when she is picking up my son). I ONLY talk about business items like his schooling and bills etc. I don't ask how she is, what she has been doing and if she asks me any of that I remain very vague. I barely make eye contact with her now. I was like you at a stage where I wanted nothing more than for her to come back. I did all the wrong things like begging, crying etc .But when she chose to be with someone else immediately after separation then she finished being a wife/lover/friend. She is now just an object to me who happens to be the mother of my child.


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## goner (Jul 25, 2012)

I intend on going dark today. If its for the best, then so be it. She will call tonight to ask about me getting my son. Nothing more will be discussed. It sucks because for 6 years she has been my bestfriend and really my only friend. My life has changed by leaps and bounds over the last 2 months, bi polar diagnose, and the breakdown brought on by a combination of the disorder and my world caving in has hardened me. It must be for the better, has to be. Otherwise its been a fruitless journey. Its time to put down the purse and pick up my pride.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goner (Jul 25, 2012)

Update: I wrote her an email last night saying "good morning, have a good day and remember your beautiful awesome and no one is better" she replied, I replied, a couple dozen times. It ended up not being civil. At one point she accused me of sabotaging our sons welfare by playing Call of Duty with him, and watching scary movies. I told her to **** off and sarcasticly said I want him to be a junkie loser that spent 12 years in prison just like his daddy did, and when he gets out he can meet the love of his life and have her tear his f***ing heart out just like his mommy. That didn't end well. I've been sleeping on my 60 year old mothers couch for 2 weeks. She stays up till 3am smoking dope and watching black and white tv. I go to work at 6 up at 5. So for the last 2 days I have had 2 hours of sleep. I was cranky and I knew it. At her lunch break I called and explained myself and apologized to her. It wasn't fair. She accepted. Tonight she took my son to the county fair and said she would call. A few heckling texts and jokes she calls at 10. I say wtf? I am tired and wanted to sleep early (moved in with my younger brother tonight, thank odin). She says sorry. First time in months she has apologized. My boy was on a ride so we spoke. She says "remember baby steps" I say if "I schedule an app with a MC will you come?" She says yes. She filed for D the 18th of june I got served july 16th. Until now she has said no to MC. Not sure if she's trying to twist the knife or let off some. She's not a b**** or a person to live in hatred. She might use the MC to illustrate her reasons for leaving, but it gives me forum too.

Any thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> Any thoughts?


Yes, what exactly about going dark did you not understand?!!


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## goner (Jul 25, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Yes, what exactly about going dark did you not understand?!!


D*mn, I know. Its still pretty new. I don't think she thought this out. When she replied positively to an email I sent the night before it hooked me. Now we are having civil conversation at least. If it turns dark so will I.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

goner said:


> D*mn, I know. Its still pretty new. I don't think she thought this out. When she replied positively to an email I sent the night before it hooked me. Now we are having civil conversation at least. If it turns dark so will I.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're destroying your very last ounces of hope with your own hands.

The fact that she's still half-hooked should be used to make her miss you, not to badmouth her.

Go all quite and in your short/limited interactions be extra polite. Act as if you've just met her in your life and are trying to draw a good image of yourself and your demeanor. Be mysterious and a true gentleman.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

You saying that stupid sh!t in emails .. can be used against you in court, you did know that .. right?

USING CAPS IS CONSIDERED SHOUTING AND CAN BE USED AGAINST YOU IN COURT! You do know that .. right?

Making horrible jokes about how you want your son to become a junkie .. can be used against you in court. You know that .. right?

Now, as someone who just started up in your thread .. please forgive me for coming off this way, but what are you thinking?

There is a difference between being a complete d!ck and establishing boundaries.

Synthetic is right, the simple fact that she has agreed to MC should wake you the fvck up.

No, it doesn't mean that you beg for her to reconsider.

No, it doesn't mean that you kiss her @ss until she comes back.

If she is honestly willing to work on things, then you need to take this time to start working on YOUR ISSUES!

Stop chit chatting back and forth.

Be short, be direct and be respectful.

If there is something that you do not like, learn to say "I'm not okay with that" .. not OMG WTF WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THAT!!!


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## goner (Jul 25, 2012)

We have come a loooong way since a week ago even. We talk. Actually talk. We see each other now and again briefly. We discuss stuff a little. I showed her the website "symptoms of a walk away wife" she thanked me. Is it genuine? I think so. She says it shed light on our situation. Yes I got upset and lost my cool. Its over. I'm proud of our ability to want to move on with life at a baby step pace. I love her and I hope she will feel the same again. To reciprocate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Go Dark doesn't mean get all mean and say emotionally painful stuff. It means go off the grid and don't talk to her or reply to her or contact her, etc. you and she both need to calm down and process your thoughts and emotions. That won't happen if you both keep hurting each other and re opening wounds. Stay silent and keep to yourself. Maybe you can be more in control of your emotions when you talk to her the next time.


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## goner (Jul 25, 2012)

I was there, I was on the brink of going dark and just ignoring all things but my son my job and therapy. It didn't work out that way. Some how in all the BS we found a way to talk. Its been nice. We've talked more than several times since. Not all situations are identical. Yes we needed and still need space. I am the one to blame for her leaving. My behavior. I drank a lot I said mean stuff I put her down I yelled a lot. I have an impulse control disorder. Certified. Last week I got my script of mood stabilizers. Been way calmer since. I don't know what the turning point is or was. I got myself under check. I don't really blow her phone up. I am civil when we talk, even flirt a little. We are begining to see eye to eye on a few things. When I got mean and emotional, it was shortly after she said if I find someone who makes me happy why would you not want that? I said because it should be me. Then she says I'm messing my son up by watching scary movies and graphic-ish video games. So I laid in as well. I was on 4 hours of sleep in 2 days running conduit in an un-air conditioned building in almost 90 degree weather. I got cranky. I apologized. She accepted. Nuff said. Since that we are amicable. Nice to one another. Even hugged several times nearly stole a kiss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

Wow Goner...you are really not comprehending the situation. It gets a little frustrating for people like Synthetic, Up and I because we are way further down the road. 

You talk too much. You aren't listening to her. You may hear what she is saying but you aren't listening. If this is the most important thing in your life then wake the Fvck up and act like it. 

If you're really playing COD and watching scary movies with your kid then knock it the fvck off already. Are you being a role model to your son?

Do you think it's cool being verbally abusive to her and making stupid jokes? WTF is wrong with you? 

STOP thinking your situation is different than anyone else on this board. It's not. Many of us know how hard it is to implement these things when kids are involved and schedules are challenging. 

Right now you have something that many people would love to have and that is a wife who is actually open to reconciling.

Stop drinking, stop doing stupid $hit and read over the advice you are being given. If you keep doing what you are doing, then you have no shot at getting her back. 

You are starting a process that will at the very least take months...maybe years. You aren't going to fix this in a day or a week. Back off and give her some space or else you are destined to live life without her. 

You need some tough love.

Keep reading and posting.


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## rumandcoke (Jul 25, 2012)

coachman said:


> Wow Goner...you are really not comprehending the situation. It gets a little frustrating for people like Synthetic, Up and I because we are way further down the road.
> 
> You talk too much. You aren't listening to her. You may hear what she is saying but you aren't listening. If this is the most important thing in your life then wake the Fvck up and act like it.
> 
> ...


Wow, coachman you hit it on the head. Your response resonated with me.

Goner, im still fresh to this...but going "Dark" is your best bet, for you and your sanity. You miss her, we get it. Then miss her. Dont email, text or anything to keep that constant contact.

I almost hit send on a lengthy email to my ex but decided Ill sleep on it and if i feel the same way tomorrow then Ill do it. Well tomorrow came...i hit delete.


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## goner (Jul 25, 2012)

What can I say? You all were right. We made progress, flirted hugged, talked baby steps. Last night I picked up my little man, she went camping alone with her EA. I went to the amusement park with our son, called her about 11 am to see what the arrangement was for him as I work tomorrow evening. Phone was off. I called her friend she was supposed to be with. Hadn't seen or talked to her. Called her bff nothing either. Called her EA, phone off. Concern set in, then anger. Stayed at the park till about 5pm, got a text from EA saying "she's okay" not her, him. We were friends, kinda. He cheated on his W and is in D now too. After leaving she calls and says its none of my business where she was. She's right. She left me, right? So I go home and figure ill take our son to her. I call and text saying I'm on my way. No reply. So for s***s and giggles I go to EAs. She's there still drunk and napping on his couch. I reach out and try to talk to her. She's pissy because I'm fvcked up enough to question her about what happened, I thought we were on to something. I tried to leave my son there, but changed my mind, she's drunk and going back to bed. At 630pm. He will be up till 9-930 with no supervision. I know my next step. You don't have to say it. Ill keep progress updated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goner (Jul 25, 2012)

Coachman, wow, Its hard dude. I want everything back. I don't drink. I take mood stabilizers. No beuno with booze. I don't play COD with him, he's 5. Scary movies... sometimes. He likes zombies. And Frankenstein. She's wayward and unstable. I get that from her.
If I must do this and go dark, I am. I feel its all there is left to try. I will still pay and send her to the MC by herself and then myself alternating for a while. I make double what she does. I will still have my handsome boy every week for a couple days. But that's all I can take, until she reaches out I'm through. Thank you all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goner (Jul 25, 2012)

I forgot to mention, while talking to EA, I said I don't. Think you two should be anywhere near eachother again. He said what are you going to do about it. I said I would... let's say do bad stuff to him. Fvck him, and fvck her too for doing this. I'm making my changes all she's doing is falling in the arms of an emotional rebound who's a drunk reject, ugly as fvck too. She can't keep her head out of his advice and a bottle long enough to see what she's losing. She wants happiness? She'll find it. I am finding mine with or without her or her BS I'm in control attitude. There is more than her future at stake here. I hope she really figures that out some day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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