# The Phantom Boyfriend



## gabster555 (Apr 13, 2012)

The Phantom Boyfriend/ Mid Life Crisis

I’ve been married for 12 years and the first 11 years were fantastic….well I believed they were. She had a traumatic event, her best friend died, which she blames herself. This has led to a mid life crisis. She came across a 23 year old boy and stared to text,call and fb message him. Mainly my wife, was pursuing the relationship more so that the boy. When I found out, I became unglued and did become insecure. I made a big deal and got the family involved. My wife calls him her best friend and refers to call him her bestie. But its more that just a best friend. When he is depressed, she becomes depressed. She cries for him……..she has so much feeling for him. I used the word obsessed; my wife uses the word attached. I have 4 children and even my eldest daughter of 15 says she acting as if she is 18…. She has had 4 surgeries and is looking hot. I’ve over reacted lots of times since January. I see her living a dual life style. One with me and the 4 kids and the other with this boy. Our house has been affected. I have been affected.

I came to the conclusion I’m going to put an end to this madness and told my wife no more contacting this boy and I went over to the boys house and lost it with him and through some punches at him (which I’m not happy with myself) and told him no more contact. He said that my wife was the one who was pushing the relationship more that I and I believe him. 

Did I do the right think……. or should I let my wife have her bestie?

One her last text.......... 
Attached to him yes
love him as my bestie yes
Love chatting with him yes
In love with him No
because I'm in love with you but you can't accept that...

Yet we are fighting and I'm in marriage hell because of this boy???


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

your wife had an EA (emotional affair) and yes you needed to stop it

the violence however....


I suggest you read the newbie link in my signature and perhaps repost in the CWI section


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

No way. This is insane. She's clearly in an emotional affair with him. Cut contact or cut her loose, my friend!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I don`t know why you went after the guy, your wife is the one screwing you over.

Yes, you had to stop it.

Have you told her to go no contact yet?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

gabster555 said:


> Did I do the right think……. or should I let my wife have her bestie?


Seriously, who has that pic of Tommy lee jones?

How would your wife feel if you had a hot 23 year old young girl as a best friend?


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

A person is involved in an emotional affair when they spend an inordinate amount of time with another outside of their commited relationship, shares intimate and emotional feelings, confides in the other person, excludes the significant other from this part of their life, and so on. The time they spend, the emotional connection, etc. should be reserved only for their partner.

It is common that the involved person does not realize they are actually cheating by these actions, so they deny doing any harm and proclaim the affair is perfectly innocent. No amount of anger, demanding, or taking matters in your own hands is going to make her understand what she is doing and the damage she has caused. She thinks that by telling you she loves you, you won't be hurt by her actions and will allow her to continue. She thinks you are overreacting, but you are not. You just aren't handling it as well as you should in effort to put a stop to it. But, in her present state of denial, she just feels like you are trying to control her.

Your wife needs to know and understand what she is doing. Here are google results explaining emotional affair. Introduce her to the google page, where she can read the various articles, or show her the articles you feel explain it the best. You might even ask her to post on these forums. She will undoubtedly think people will readily agree with her position but will instead receive a lot of feedback telling her how wrong she is. She needs to hear it from people other than you. She needs to understand how terribly she is betraying you, hurting you, breaching your trust, and damaging the marriage.


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## RelationshipAdviceHelp (Apr 12, 2012)

I agree with "CheatingHubby" - how would she feel if you were doing all of that with a 23 year old woman?

If she would be OK with that, then she has another issue.

Emotional affair, big time. Needs to end, not soon, immediately.

No violence, though, friend; for a number of reasons - one of which it will be used against YOU.

Will


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She will clearly see your pain breach of trust and the damage when she is server with divorce papers. 

Remember now you are just filing, in most states it won't be final for days.

You can always throw out the filing, but the point is making a stand that she clearly sees a very heavy consequence if she continues. 

After you scare her straight be prepared for the withdrawals.

Who knows she may even call your pluff, but at this point whats it really matter?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing, did any of the puches land?


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

I know people don't like the violence thing, however, I understand a man's need for vengeance. I realize we as humans are supposed to ignore our basic primal selves, but we are not machines. 

Before the "Oprahfication" of America, no one would have blinked at this man throwing a few punches at the man who is in an affair with his wife. He is in pain and here to get help about his situation. He doesn't need to be "tsked" by anyone about the punches.


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## gabster555 (Apr 13, 2012)

First of all thank you to all those who me gave me some feedback. What I’m looking for is unbiased help. I stopped myself from ranting and going on how my wife is bad…… and just tried to paint a picture of what’s going on.
I know that my wife is reached a crisis point in her life…..her 4 surgeries…..her vicodin addition….. she complains about anxiety, depression, overwhelmed with emotions, mood swings, her blaming herself for the death of the best friend. Part of my wife must be thinking if she didn’t push for the last surgery then her best friend would not had it and her best friend must still be here.
This is her second marriage. She first got married at 18, and it was good for 3 years max and fell apart. Since 18, she put herself through college, had two/three part time jobs and was a mother. My eldest in my step daughter. She met me two years later got married very quickly…too quicky and popped out one kid after the other at a rate of one every two 1/2 years apart.
My wife has said to me that she has been put on the back burner for the whole marriage. She says that I haven’t given a f.. about her. It’s always being about the kids. I keyed the term package deal and she has bought it up multiple times. She feels she hasn’t been valued at all… and now it’s her time.
I accept my faults and wished she was able to tell me to my face….I’ve been this was ,but she hasn’t . I’ve been a great father but a crap husband. 
But does all that has happened to my wife, excuse what she is going with this boy? Has she crossed the boundaries of marriage? The boy was caught by the police for prostitution. I found out that he has used prostitutes at least 4 times. Yet my wife refused to see this bad side of her best friend
The have never thrown a punch, since I was 14. I threw some punches and a kick to the face. My wife knows this and is waiting for me to tell her. There is no physical damage to him. 
I can accept my wife having contact with a boy. The can text….call each other….whatever…..but they crossed a line. They talk to each other 12 min night…..1am 2am and 3 am. My wife will wake up and immediately check her Facebook. I have made it clearly to stop contact after 9 PM. Everytime I contact the boy….and told him what ever…sure enough my wife know…he couldn’t keep a secret from her. The boy has said to my wife that he would die without having contact we her. 
I went to his home informing the older uncle I’m coming over. I wanted to tell him to his face once and for all….this end now…. I asked him to load his FB and started reading what my wife was saying to him….but within a few minute he pressed something making all the messages vanish…..that’s when I lost it and threw some punches and a kick.
Divorce for her is not the table. Her father and mom know everything. The boy is a nephew. The family will meet up at some time….
Your feed back please


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

As you see your wife is having a full blown affair, an emotional one at that. She doesn't even realize it. This is worse that one that's just for sex. 

You have acted quickly, that's good. Punching, not so much. But I would have done the same. 

You do need feedback, quickly. You need a plan that works, and the courage to act on it. Ask the mods to move your post to the Coping with Infidelity topic area. You will get a good plan of action there, from those who are more experiences is such affairs.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

Ewwwww! He is a nephew? You wife needs two things-
1) you to leave
2) mental help


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