# Does counselling therapy help?



## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

Did marriage counseling help in your case (I don't want answers from psychologists here, sorry) did it improve your marriage longterm? 
Or did self help books ad other things help?
My husband does not want therapy after some painful experiences with therapists who could not help. I mean how can it help to understand your issues with your brain?


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Not in my case......My spouse saw it as being an opportunity to focus on all my faults and she never owned any part her contributions to our demise. Many therapists are too middle of the road for fear of alienating someone and losing the account. My experience, your mileage may vary...........


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My friend who used to work as a counsellor, told me a while ago that counselling often doesn't work, because the couple leave it too long to seek help.

Often times (not always) the wife has been asking for counselling for a long time, and things reach breaking point before the husband realises how serious the problems are. By the time they get to counselling the wife is full of resentment and has the attitude that "I've been trying for 2 years, I'm done". It's all too late.

Not sure how I feel about counselling...I don't think I've ever got much out of it, but that's me


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

If one of the two is full of resentment, shouldn't the therapist work it out? I actually googled for the question, but what's coming up are solely articles written by therapists. The thing is too that either they do the behavioural thing which does not work very well or they dig deep in the past and that is hurtful for many, so much that it can cause major troubles in marriage. And some of the advises (to my husband) were plain stupid.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

frusdil said:


> My friend who used to work as a counsellor, told me a while ago that counselling often doesn't work, because the couple leave it too long to seek help.


yeah, I can definitely believe that. Especially if you've never done any type of counseling before, you see it as sort of a "last resort" and try to do everything else possible to delay before you convince yourself that it's "bad enough" to seek counseling. I'm/we're guilty of that in our marriage. We probably (more like definitely) should have started marriage counseling loooooooong ago. And then on top of that I had no idea that there were waiting lists for counselors, so even when I decided it was time we start counseling we still had to wait like 3 months or so before we could start, which delayed it even MORE obviously  So, we probably should have started nearly a year before we actually did, honestly. It would have prevented things from getting worse. Now instead of working on preventing horribleness, we have to work on repairing the horribleness, and I just don't know if that's really possible.


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

You think it helps. What I found is that listening to the talks of Ajahn Brahm in youtube helped at least as much. What I didn't like either was the absence of exercises. And then the counsellor says that you years of therapy are necessary.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I found several books that were immensely helpful. I'm a better me for having read them. I left most of them with my ex-husband when we divorced, and last night he told me he's been reading them and that they really resonated and are helping him a lot in his new relationships. Of course, he refused to read them or follow the advice given before I filed for divorce, but at least he's getting some benefit from them now. 

As for therapy, we did two rounds with different counselors. The first was with a very well-intentioned family therapist who uses Imago therapy. It was useful in making my ex-husband aware that he was extremely emotionally unaware - both of others and himself. So that was good. However, since my ex-husband didn't really want to be there, didn't think his long-term EA was really a problem, and was still lying about his infidelity history, those 9 months of marriage counseling were not helpful longterm.

Our second round of marriage coaching was with a national expert, and was much more productive. I think, if things had been different, it might have really helped us to save our marriage. But, as it turned out, my ex-husband had been a serial cheater throughout our marriage. Once I learned that, I wasn't willing to stay and try anymore with a man who had _never_ been faithful. Especially when he'd been stonewalling MC and R for 3 years at that point. 

So, I think the right marriage counselor or coach, with a program that suits the couple, and in a situation where there are no horrendous deal-breakers just waiting to be revealed, can do wonders. But if either partner doesn't want to be there, isn't interested in really doing the work, thinks all the problems in the marriage stem from their partner, or has a serious personality flaw, then marriage counseling is unlikely to help the marriage. It may, however, help the partner who is willing to learn and grow to be more emotionally healthy for the future.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Each couple will be different. Each therapist will be different. 

In my experience, it took me years to get my H to go and once he went, nothing happened. He'd nod his head and then do nothing. Because I had threatened to leave him unless he went. 

After months and months of nothing changing, I chewed our MC (also my IC) out for not pushing him. She finally got me to understand this: our problems weren't because he was being a d!ck. Our problems were because I was accepting his being a d!ck. Since then, I have worked on MY BOUNDARIES and the consequences I dole out to him when he acts like a d!ck, and guess what? Our marriage is better. 

That said, I never would have gotten to that point if I hadn't finally gotten him to go and then realized therapy wasn't this magic panacea that would 'fix' him.


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## LifeIsAJourney (Jan 24, 2013)

In my experience, counseling only works if both parties are committed to working on the relationship. And it is best not to wait until things get so bad that counseling is seen as a last resort.

And like turnera said, it's not up to the therapist to "fix" things. A good counselor will provide you with a set of tools to work with but you and your partner have to do the hard work of repairing your relationship. 

We have worked with two different counselors. The first used the Gottman approach which was fairly effective in helping with communication issues but did nothing to help with our mutual resentments. The second used Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and was somewhat more productive. We have also read a ton of books; some helpful, some not so much. 

I had to learn how to set strict relationship boundaries and not to let my husband get away with poor behavior. I had to learn to own my issues and not to stonewall. While our relationship is improved, the jury is still out as to whether or not it will last.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

For us, Retrouvaille worked way better than MC (and is way cheaper!).

Like turnera above, IC helped *me* a great deal.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

This is just speculation...but I notice for many (here and IRL) have said that IC has been beneficial....but MC is very much less so...
... could it be that there is a mindset in IC that the individuals are walking into it knowing they are going to work on themselves and tackle their own issues. Whereas, in MC, the individual go in with a mindset of working out the other person's issues (not necessarily their own)?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh obviously. MC is where you to go complain about the other person.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

cons said:


> This is just speculation...but I notice for many (here and IRL) have said that IC has been beneficial....but MC is very much less so...
> ... could it be that there is a mindset in IC that the individuals are walking into it knowing they are going to work on themselves and tackle their own issues. Whereas, in MC, the individual go in with a mindset of working out the other person's issues (not necessarily their own)?


That's probably a big part of it. I have a friend who is a family therapist, so she does a lot of marriage counseling. She says the number one things she sees is husbands agreeing to attend MC so the MC will fix their wives. The second most common thing she sees is wives agreeing to attend so the MC will fix their husbands. 

When you show up with the mindset that you are zero percent at fault for any problems, it's hard to have a good outcome from counseling. And that's true whether you're seeking IC or MC.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

ugh, this just gives me less hope for marriage counseling. With finding the right counselor, to the willingness of the partner and many people saying it wasn't able to repair many things I'm a bit less excited about its prospects. And then it's funny, because my very best friend who is married has a completely different philosophy on handling conflict than those on here, and yet her marriage is also struggling. I'm not sure whose approach is right! I feel like I don't have enough time at my disposable to try everything.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

Fwiw, I think MC helped my marriage. We both were really committed to it. It was really tough at first, but I think our ability to resolve conflict is a million times better now. We did the whole looking at our childhood stuff too, and we didn't understand the point at the time. Now we are able to see where the other is coming from and not take everything personally. So I say if you both are willing, just try it and try to keep an open mind about it too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Adeline, why don't you tell us more about your marriage, and about your personality, and we'll be able to pinpoint whether it is likely to help.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

turnera said:


> Adeline, why don't you tell us more about your marriage, and about your personality, and we'll be able to pinpoint whether it is likely to help.


I have a thread in the private member's section that has a lot of info  I think sometimes it gets lost in the shuffle. I'd love more feedback!


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

Some very good insights here. In total it seems to be better if each of the partners works on its own? So you could decide on individual therapy right away. Or doing something else or reading tons of books.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IMO, the best thing that MC is good for - assuming BOTH people want to be there - is learning how to communicate better, learning how to stop using destructive childhood behaviors that worked as a kid but now hurt your spouse, and being forced to speak honestly and tell your spouse your real feelings. All things that are hard to do on your own. So, yes, it can be VERY beneficial. IF you both are on the same page.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Ok, not sure if I wanted to post here or make a new thread.

MC is definitely as must have for blonde01 and myself.

I know what I want is.

Someone who will push us.
Someone who is impartial.
Someone who will pull the B.S. flag and make us own our crap.
Gives good advice on communicating.

These are the things that I will be interviewing the MC on. I don't know what blonde's wants are, but hopefully she will have a list as well.


So, My question is?
Does anyone else have suggestions for good qualities and specific things to look for?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You may want to Google therapists and add your area and add the word reviews. There are websites where people can write good and bad reviews of professionals. That might help.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Windwalker said:


> So, My question is?
> Does anyone else have suggestions for good qualities and specific things to look for?


Look for someone who has a history of success dealing with whatever your particular issues are. If you're trying to recover from infidelity, for example, you'll want a counselor who has a lot of experience and a history of success in helping couples to recover post-affair. If something else is your primary concern, find a counselor with experience in that area.

Also, find out what method, program, or approach the counselor uses. Do a little research and make sure that approach is one you think will address your concerns and decide if it's one you can believe in and get behind. An 8-month run of Imago therapy, for example, won't do you much good if it doesn't address the issues in your marriage, or if you or your spouse think Imago itself is silly and pointless. You both need to at least be open to believing that therapy you're going to be using is worthwhile and valid.


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## NostalgicOne (Mar 24, 2014)

I got a crap deal when went to marriage counseling, the therapist told ex hubby she saw no problem with my ex cheating multiple times as he "traveled" for his job so why wouldn't he?

Then she proceeded to flirt shamelessly with him biting her glasses and taking her shoe off staring him down like meat...I felt like yelling, "SHOULD I LEAVE!?!?!?!" Pretty woman but as she was married I would never dream she would act like this!

And he walked out feeling TOTALLY vindicated of any wrong doing...this,from the man who took out life insurance policies on me near end and started putting arsenic in my drinks!!!

She was schooled by top hospitals and affiliated. SO that is no assurance. In hindsight, I should've asked her what she deemed a dealbreaker in marriage and also her views on things. How can you "repair" a marriage when the person counseling sees nothing wrong with what IS wrong in a marriage? I learn something everyday.

Also, my ex for the longest time refused ANY form of M.C. And that means doom.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

As other posters on TAM have sometimes mentioned, marriage counseling will give you tools to deal with your problems. The counselor will model them for you, and ideally teach them to you.

You can try to learn them yourself, and just start using them now.

Start with transparency. Just speak your mind to your spouse. Let him/her see your emotions. Be just as authentic as possible.

Use I statements. I feel xxx when I see yyy. I feel zzz when I hear aaa.

Try active listening, just basically repeating back to your spouse whatever he/she tells you, but sincerely listening and caring what they say. They will likely expand on what they have shared with you, and you will get to see what is deep in their heart. This tool can bring you incredibly close together. It is hard not to have compassion on someone who is sharing from his/her deepest heart with you.


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