# Need help to woMAN UP...



## Faithinme (May 6, 2011)

Hi guys,
I've been reading here for a little while but this is my first post. From what I've read I'm wondering/hoping you can help.

My h went into mlc about 3-4 years ago. He had a short EA (a few months) before I discovered and required it end to continue in the m. Life was hellish after that...he was very moody, rewriting history, and not working on the m...didnt know if he wanted to...got the ILYBNILWY speech, etc. Left me a week after my father died. S for 6 months. He came home and has been home for about 2.5 years. He is mostly normal again (no longer dressing like an 18 year old, tanning, teeth whitening, and just plain weird-everyone thought so not just me) but has still not engaged in restoring the m...still sitting on the fence. To top things off...now his mom is dying. 

I love my h but can no longer live with the constant rejection of having a spouse who is not engaged in the m. I cannot let his mothers illness be an excuse to delay this any longer. I have avoided all relationship talks for years now...lived my own life, etc. all the things they recommend you do with some, but not enough, impact. I have told him that I think that if he is not able or willing to work on m restoration then we should start thinking about going our separate ways in the summer. His response was an overwhelming.............nothing. Nadda. Not a word. Then just continued to live as normal. He is PA. After some time...tried to give him a chance to bring it up...finally said today that I was angry he had no response and that either he is all in or all out. He says we will talk tomorrow.

I still love my h, and am concerned for my two kids, but do not believe this is how I should be living. Lately seriously considering having an A which tells me my moral compass is way off as a result of this sitch which is a red flag that something needs to change. I am afraid I will not be able to follow through out of fear and am looking for some advice here from a man's (or woman's) perspective, and wonder if woMANing up applies? Please help me...I'm at the end of my rope.
Faith


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

If you are religiously inclined, pick up love must be tough. 

He needs to decide one way or the other. You need to be willing to kick him out or move out. You aren't happy with where its at, so change something. It sounds like you are there.

Best of luck


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I'll tell you how to woman up, tell him to pack his crap! Tell him that if he is not all in in the marriage, then he needs to go. He cheated, not you. You are not going to enable him to fence sit any longer. Hold your head up and take a look at your worth. You are his wife, not an option to be dealt with at a later time. If he cannot see that, tell him the Hefty bags are under the sink or in the garage.


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## Faithinme (May 6, 2011)

Thank you for the reply anx. I think I am there...I think I know that I need to do this...I am afraid I will cave...I am hoping to continue to come here for support, encouragement and guidance as this evolves so that I dont do that. Any thoughts on how I should approach the conversation tomorrow? If he doesnt bring it up and continues his passive agressive pattern of avoiding, do I bring it up? What do I say and how do I respond if he continues with "I don't know...I know I I have been keeping you hanging....I know it is wrong of me to keep you hanging...." or like today he said "its clear this has been at the top of your mind...it just hasn't been at the top of mine...this isnt a good time....etc."

Does Maning up apply to women in this sitch too?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Faithinme said:


> Thank you for the reply anx. I think I am there...I think I know that I need to do this...I am afraid I will cave...I am hoping to continue to come here for support, encouragement and guidance as this evolves so that I dont do that. Any thoughts on how I should approach the conversation tomorrow? If he doesnt bring it up and continues his passive agressive pattern of avoiding, do I bring it up? What do I say and how do I respond if he continues with "I don't know...I know I I have been keeping you hanging....I know it is wrong of me to keep you hanging...." or like today he said "its clear this has been at the top of your mind...it just hasn't been at the top of mine...this isnt a good time....etc."
> 
> Does Maning up apply to women in this sitch too?


It's not his choice anymore to make up his mind. Its yours. You get to make it for him. Just tell him it's over. You've now decided.

Btw. 2.5 years is a long time, to get over an EA that is. Are you sure he ended it completely?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithinme (May 6, 2011)

Thank you Brennan...i think that is the tough talk I need to keep me focussed and get me through.

I do believe that he ended the EA...he claimed that it was "just friends" although it clearly got beyond that I think that is how he justified it to himself. But the really crazy stuff he was doing at that time stopped a long time ago. the problem is he just replaced it with other distractions...like obsessive working out and working...the question is what is he distracting himself from and why?!

He continues to do the bare minimum to keep the relationship from falling apart but not enough to really repair the damage and make it strong. I DO need to follow through...just need to find the strength and confidence to do so.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Again, I HIGHLY suggest you pick up the book. Its a short read. Someone said they found it online for free too, or you could buy a digital copy. The first chapter or two explains the way to go about it and they give examples.

The religious aspect of the book is pretty minimal to the process. A lot of other people have suggested the book even if you aren't religious.

Love Must Be Tough :: 9781414317458 :: Tyndale House Publishers
The first chapter is there as a pdf for free on the left hand side "download pdf" 

I've read a TON of MC books, and I wouldn't recommend having the talk you are going to have without reading that first.

Best of Luck


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## Faithinme (May 6, 2011)

I read the book a few years back and responded to the EA as described in the book. The challenge has been his return and failure to restore the m.

We did meet and talk today. In a nutshell he says he cares about me but not the relationship. He does think about me in "that way". Its not just me he just doesn't care about that part of life anymore (sexual). That he doesnt feel he can ever be what I want him to be. That we are wired differently. etc.

I did not pretzel like before but rather stood up for myself and asked, so what have you done about it? I expressed that in my opinion he is waiting for his feelings to drive his behaviour rather than changing his behaviour to drive his feelings. I said I did not buy the wiring comment- we are all wired differently and that if he did not care enough to do the work then there was no point in continuing. I asked him to contact our financial planner as h has a better handle on the finances and to get things moving.

I would be lying if I said I am not sad, scared and hurt. There is some relief at the possibility of gaining a greater sense of control however and no longer being at the mercy of his limbo. Not sure if this is it, or if he is going to have a change of heart in response to my stand.............please help me............I need so much support right now.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

If Manning up is behaving in a more manly manner for the purpose of gaining and maintaining the attention of women, Then how can Womaning up be acting manly to get rid of a defective man?

I do know that this has nothing to do with Faith's original question. I agree with much of the advice given. I'm also sorry if this question is hurtful. I was just expecting a much different answer and I'm still interested.

I'd like to know, Is it important for a woman to be more feminine and womanly in order to attract and keep a (alpha) Man's attention? Also, Are there some specific ways to do that?

BTW, Faith, You did well to ask him to begin the arrangements. You have put the ball firmly in his court. He now has to face all the implications of his decision. It may make a difference. At least he has to man this one up. His semi detachment is hurting you.

M N


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## Faithinme (May 6, 2011)

He came home this am after a nite shift and prepared a nice family breakfast! Really? Honestly? He expects me to sit there like a big happy family! He is a passive agressive nice guy and perhaps pretending this way eases his guilt, but it certainly doesnt help me- the one living in reality and experiencing the emotions of it all! Perhaps he was trying to make ME feel guilty to encourage me to go to HIS moms today so he would not have to answer questions?! 

I let him know that it was not necessary and that I was not happy and I let kids know they would be going with him to his moms and I would be going to bed. That seemed to burst his little bubble. 

PLEASE...help me get through this! How do I stay strong when I feel like falling apart!


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

About breakfast. He does have emotions and was trying to do something about it. I think you guys are so disconnected and he is in such a weird place that you don't understand what they are. I've been in the same situation. What was underlying it was hurt so long and deep that was never expressed. It made everything feel like crazy town. Nothing made sense. 

To fix this I suggest 4 things
1- get the book "why marriages succeed for fail" there are good quizes in there that guage where someone is at and why. the quizes take about 20 minutes to do together
2- I didn't read that you were in MC. I think you NEED that to figure this out and fix it
3- About love must be tough, there NEEDS to be consequences. You are essentially enabling him to do what he is doing. That cycle needs to break.
4- Get his testosterone checked NOW!! sex drive for a man is often what drives reconciliation. We want sex and hence we work hard to fix whats broken to get there. Low testosterone effect every facet of a man.


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## Faithinme (May 6, 2011)

anx said:


> About breakfast. He does have emotions and was trying to do something about it. I think you guys are so disconnected and he is in such a weird place that you don't understand what they are. I've been in the same situation. What was underlying it was hurt so long and deep that was never expressed. It made everything feel like crazy town. Nothing made sense.
> 
> To fix this I suggest 4 things
> 1- get the book "why marriages succeed for fail" there are good quizes in there that guage where someone is at and why. the quizes take about 20 minutes to do togetherhe is not interested in working on the m...he says he just doesnt care anymore
> ...


agree completely and have mentioned it to him on numerous occasions...but HE has to be ready to go and he is AVOIDING


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You cannot wait around for him to make a decision. Make it for him. Tell him that since he no longer wants to be in the relationship, he has 1 week to find another place to live and that you will be contacting a lawyer to get temporary support in order. I know you want to hang on to your marriage but it is clear he doesn't. His actions are incredibly selfish and he is a coward. He is leaving you to do all the heaving lifting and trying to make you the bad guy by throwing him out. You aren't. Draw your line in the sand and back it up. 
I am sorry you are hurting, I really am. Affairs do horrible things to a marriage and some can be repaired if the cheater works very very hard at restoring trust, love and safety. It doesn't sound like he is capable of any of those things. You are worth a heck of alot more than what this man is able to give you. Put yourself as number 1.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well, Breakfast was an answer. Not a complete answer and no details. Keep your eyes open.There may be more. BTW you were within your rights to reject any inadequate offer. It seems to me that you have firmly communicated to him what it is that would be acceptable.

M N


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

My suggestion is along the same lines as brennan. Something A TON bigger than breakfast. He probably didn't even realize what you were doing. Unless you told him directly.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Mr. Nail said:


> If Manning up is behaving in a more manly manner for the purpose of gaining and maintaining the attention of women, Then how can Womaning up be acting manly to get rid of a defective man?
> 
> I do know that this has nothing to do with Faith's original question. I agree with much of the advice given. I'm also sorry if this question is hurtful. I was just expecting a much different answer and I'm still interested.
> 
> ...



I agree with you. To Woman Up would be the opposite of Manning Up. It would mean to display more feminine traits (gentleness, grace, affection).

However, the core values are the same. You have to make yourself more attractive and less available.


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