# Separating after 12 years



## need_some_strength (Nov 24, 2014)

My husband and I separated this past weekend. Things haven't been great for awhile. Years actually. He is no longer "in love" with me but loves me as our daughter's mother.

I'm so confused in my feelings. I think I'm in love with the idea of being in love with him. But I want him back so bad I don't know what I'm actually feeling.

I think the separation is for the best right now. We both need to figure out our real feelings and what we want. I'm just so scared.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

need_some_strength said:


> He is no longer "in love" with me but loves me as our daughter's mother.


oh uh. If you've read any of the other TAM threads, you must realize this often (very often) means there is another person in his life.

You can't fix the relationship with a third party involved. So step 1 is to figure out what's really happening.

Who moved out, and to where?

I've never seen a separation do any good. It's usually just a slow breakup. How do you work on your problems if you're not together?


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

I was in your exact same shoes 6 months ago and then we were back together and now I'm moving out again today.

I got the exact same thing "I'm not in love with you" and I also got the "we can be friends".

Turned out for me there was someone else she was involved with the first time and who really knows this time. 

There is nothing you will read or hear that will take away the immediate pain. I can promise you that this does get better.

Some of the things that helped me was I started to read the bible more and pray a lot. It gave me some inner peace.Also anytime I wanted to talk to her I would write her a letter. I almost never gave them to her though. 

You are not going to be hungry and sleeping is going to be nearly impossible. I purchased an over the counter sleep aid that did help some. And I did manage to get some food in me even though I didn't want to eat. 

It does get better! Drowning your feelings with alcohol is not a good plan either. Talk with friends and family.


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## need_some_strength (Nov 24, 2014)

Thank you so much HandyMan. It helps to know that I'm not alone in these feelings and that they will get better. I like the idea of writing letters. That will definitely help. Just to get my feelings out.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

I heard those exact words from my almost XW. You really need to look at what is going on in his back ground. Time to become super sleuth. For your own benefit. Copy all financial records, including any mortgages, loans, car information. Put in a safe place. Do consult with an attorney, as to your rights. I say this only, in that you need to protect yourself, and your children if you have any. Separation wont solve anything, especially if there is a 3rd person involved. He will only want a separation so that he can "figure"(test out) his feelings for another person.


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## Faithful123 (Oct 29, 2014)

NSS I will go against the grain here and say that it doesn't matter now if there is someone else at this point. Deal with that latter if required. Do not torment yourself with that, it is not productive and serves only to make you feel much much worse. Trust me I've been there. Use this time to seek out help and improve yourself. Massage is also very helpful at this time, book in and have a remedial massage it will help. Seek IC and focus on you and becoming a better you. I would adopt the 180 for yourself and really live it. 

The feelings you are having a very normal, the pit in you belly the thumping chest, the lack of sleep the anxiety, lack of appetite and so on. This is normal, it is important to feel this so we can train our brain to manage it better. Just dont let it consume you.

In terms of managing it, think about coping mechanisms for your anxiety in the short term, things like, exercise, leaning on a close friend, keeping busy with a hobby, doing something you have wanted to do but never did. Focus on putting your needs first and not on getting him back. In essence by focusing on yourself you will become more confident and happy and that will be much more attractive.

Its very tough in this early stage, its a loss and we tend to think way too far ahead, we catastrophise, so for now take little bites and do little things day to day that improve your feelings and circumstances.

Its natural to want him back, but you need to start detaching from him and turn this around and make it about putting your needs first. That doesn't mean you're writing him off in fact it means the exact opposite that you are becoming a better person.

Change your thinking slowly to see this a positive and use this time to improve yourself. I cant stress this enough, you may not see it now, but you will.

READ THE 180....ADOPT IT FOR YOU.

Do not repress your feelings express them, cry when you need to its cathartic and you will feel better after it. Be kind to yourself. Be careful not to get too angry and too not become a victim in this. 

In this early stage it is really important to keep busy and occupy your time, otherwise you will dwell on it. Writing things down in a journal also will help, its hard to do and we get lazy sometimes, but I can say when I did I felt better.

This site is really good for venting seeking independent advice and alike, post away here even when you're struggling and you will get some clarity and independent advice on whats going on for you. TAM is online group therapy.

It will improve I'm about 4 to 5 months in now and on road to divorce, but am much stronger and happier than I ever was. I never thought I would be here today thinking like this, so rest assured if you do what you need to for you, in time you will also feel better and be better, whether that's with your husband or without. Get out of your head an don't think too much. Stay focused and strong.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I'm sorry for your pain. It hurts to the core and feels like you can never take a deep breath again.

Go to your MD. and discuss the possibility of anti-depressants/anxiety meds. Don't say Oh I don't need anything like that. Don't. You've never had to go through this before so you're not really sure what you need.
Have you seen an attorney? If not, go talk to a few to see where you stand. Even if you get back together for Christmas it is one less thing to worry about.

Do you work outside the home? Are there kids? Is there family nearby?

Absolutely look at the 180, its a process to help you detach and heal.
Again I'm really sorry you are here, but there are lots of posters who have been in your shoes and who will offer their help and support.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

OP,

Listen to Faithful and Pluto. Best advice ever, in your situation. Follow it, it will get better. Promise.

Number one rule of the 180: no contact, except if kids are involved. In that case, low contact and only regarding them.

You will overcome this and become a stronger and better person, if you play your cards right. You came to the right place. Some of the people on here actually know what they are talking about.

But for now (((virtual hug)))


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## Lynnie1981 (Nov 9, 2014)

Sorry that you're here sweetie. For now the only advice I can share with you, is to 180 all the way through. I too was heart broken n so much in love with my husband. I had to do things to keep myself busy n not stress myself out so much. If there is someone involved? I doubt it would work out. But, ask yourself.. Do you really want to rekindle if things are going downhill? U deserve to be happy. Hangout with family n friends. Workout n find a hobby you wanted to do before. Take care of yourself. 180 worked for me, I am a true believer. Once u distance yourself it'll make him want u back, but if he doesn't at least u know that you'll be a much stronger person at the end of all of this.


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