# Traveling Hubby leaves me confused...



## Edelbrock2423 (Jan 30, 2020)

I just got a text message today from my H of 4 years...

He is working out of town, he pours concrete etc... Works with a crew of 6-8 men.

In the past he has always come home dogging them or texting me saying they cheat on their partners and come in drunk, high and wasted after a long day of work.. 

my h texts me this evening as asks if it is okay for him to go to the pub with these men... 

We have always had the kind of relationship where... i am questioned if i want to go somewhere.. I am raising our child and help to raise a SK.

I told him he was a grown man and could do what he wanted to he didn't need to ask my permission...

he told me that he didn't want to make me mad, i said the only way id be upset is if you did something to hurt me or the kids...

his gps says hes at a strip club... 

Ive not texted like a crazy wife or anything... but i am going a bit crazy on the emu scale today

Wives of traveling hubbies or just wives and husbands who can guide me on this generally...

Its totally normal for me and understandable for me to be pissed... right?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

No reason to be confused, IMO. Your husband is hanging out with a bunch of boozing cheaters. You know a person by the company they keep. So while hubs expects you to stay on a tight leash, he's getting a lap dance. Yeah, you should be pissed. I don't know if you aren't sure of your own feelings or just want validation. For what it's worth, your husband sounds like a jerk to me.

My husband was an army officer. He was gone for long periods of time. He wasn't hanging out in bars, although he would occasionally go to the officers' club on base. My husband never gave me any reason to not trust him. Yours appears to be giving you some ammunition.

So you get the third degree if you want to go anywhere? Do you mean anywhere as even to the grocery store? Sounds like it could be projection. While hubs is hanging out with questionable people at a strip joint, you are stuck at home.

Like I said, I never had reason or cause to worry about where my husband went. I also made it very clear to him prior to marriage that there were behaviors I would not tolerate, thus setting a boundary firmly in place. Granted your husband is an adult who can make his own choices, as you mentioned. You even told him he didn't need your "permission." Perhaps not, but his choices indicate he is not putting the best interests of his marriage first. JMO.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'd be very hurt if my husband did that - the fact that he lied about where he was going would make it even worse


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Edelbrock2423 said:


> I just got a text message today from my H of 4 years...
> 
> He is working out of town, he pours concrete etc... Works with a crew of 6-8 men.
> 
> ...


Lol, you just told him he's a grown man. Sorry couldn't help myself.🤔


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Hey, at least he asked. Maybe that's because he acts like a horse's ass when YOU'RE going somewhere and feels he has to grill _you_ about where you're going, so he figured turn-about was fair play.

Actually, the much more _likely _scenario is either he knows you can access the GPS and can see he isn't in his hotel room, or he knew you'd be expecting to talk on the phone that evening and he sure couldn't fake being in his room from a loud strip bar. So *that's *why you even knew at all that he was going out. I think it was a big steaming load of bull**** that he "asked" you because he's such a good, dedicated husband. 

Call him out on his lies. Then let him parent BOTH of his own kids for 48 hours straight while *you* go somewhere else because it's YOUR turn for something other than 24/7 domestic chores and parenting. I'm betting he doesn't even make 4 hours before he begs you to come home.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

When he gets home, ask him if he had a good time watching the strippers. Then tell him that you're planning a girls night out where you can get drunk and watch guys shaking their bits. And, do it. 

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would be mad and hurt and he may well come home to his belongings outside the front door in black plastic bags.


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## Edelbrock2423 (Jan 30, 2020)

So thankful for these responses... 

Yes, I feel almost betrayed really... because since before I gave birth to our child I made a lot of sacrifices for his other child. I have worked and tended to the family side of things since long before my baby come along. 

I don't think I have took a day free to myself since before we started dating. Here is going out galavanting the town while I am home covered in spoiled milk, boogers, and whatever else our son projectiles on me throughout the day plus holding down the home front.

I am one of those mothers who is very particular of her home... everything has a place and i like to be tidy so i am going constantly
the mothers here know what i mean.

I would have been so happy had he said babe... when i get home I am going to arrange a sitter and we will get away for an evening or a weekend
isn't that what a real man/husband would do?

I also do not have anyone to depend on to help me, I am raising mine without the village... 

SMH.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Unless there are other terrible components in the M, and he's a horrible husband, I'd approach this seriously but non-nuclear.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

To continue;

Because he does work in the construction industry, even if management it apparently is field management and especially concrete/site contractors are a hard bunch of folks.

It's hard physical labor and once base skills are developed can be mainly physical for the common workers. 

If he works hard, is dependable, not really a bad guy, then it can be in that environment his social skills aren't continually stretched, it's just the way he is.

Not excusing any lying or bad behavior but it's not unusual for construction workers to be an unruly bunch.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

When he gets back, you should ask where he went out to with the guys. See what he says.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My ex-husband traveled a great deal. Yes, it can absolutely be prime time for cheating. Some husbands look forward to going out of town for that very reason. Hopefully, your husband isn’t one of them but I wouldn’t like the path he’s on either.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

First ...do not reveal how you know he was at a strip club! Why? because the next time he'll leave the phone in the room or turn off the gps.
If he asks, consider telling him you got an anonymous phone call.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Again, I'm not condoning any serial lying or bad guy actions.

That said, trying to "catch him" or a smart aleck approach may just be throwing gasoline on the fire. He may get super defensive and right off the bat the potentially good communication opportunity may go right off the rails and get over emotionally fueled and counter productive. 

When an adult, calm approach may enlist your H into a beneficial talk, and encourage him to participate in a "how can we better do things" conversation. 

It all comes down to: does he do this often? 

Is he a bad H in other ways, this is just one more thing? 

Is there a more serious marital problem where this is a bad action, yes, but is there something else really going on?

Are you willing or desiring to make this the last straw in a series of problems?

Or do you want to remind him this is wrong, and feel together you and he can draw closer as a couple?

All these and similar questions are best answered before deciding the best way to broach this with him.

Good luck, you can do it!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

There is a big difference between having a few drinks at a bar and going to a strip club.

I'd ask him how the drinks went and ask what kind of bar it was.

I am not sure what kind of response I might find acceptable. Mostly I wouldn't. But me and my husband have an agreement that this kind of behavior is not acceptable. Does you husband know where you stand on this issue?

If you haven't had approapriate boundary issues now might be a good time.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You know what's going to happen. He is going to gaslight you. He's going to tell you that he wasn't at a strip club. They were on a street with lots of buildings and the bathrooms were down a hallway. That must be why it showed him in the club rather than next door at the family style restaurant where he helped an elderly couple out. How could you think something so terrible of him.

Or he's going to say that he asked you and you said yes, so now he doesn't even know what you want. What do you want anyway?

Or any number of various of the above.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Cynthia said:


> You know what's going to happen. He is going to gaslight you. He's going to tell you that he wasn't at a strip club. They were on a street with lots of buildings and the bathrooms were down a hallway. That must be why it showed him in the club rather than next door at the family style restaurant where he helped an elderly couple out. How could you think something so terrible of him.
> 
> Or he's going to say that he asked you and you said yes, so now he doesn't even know what you want. What do you want anyway?
> 
> Or any number of various of the above.


In fairness, the google maps and gps shows that my wife lives in the school across our street.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Edelbrock2423 said:


> So thankful for these responses...
> 
> Yes, I feel almost betrayed really... because since before I gave birth to our child I made a lot of sacrifices for his other child. I have worked and tended to the family side of things since long before my baby come along.
> 
> ...


And you are allowing this to go on because WHY..??


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## Edelbrock2423 (Jan 30, 2020)

3Xnocharm said:


> And you are allowing this to go on because WHY..??


I just have always felt like since before my daughter was born that if I was blessed to be a SAHM, that it was just my wifely/motherly duty to be in the household handling things. 

I have a greater respect for my grandmother that is certain.. I don't know if in all her years of raising babies did she take a time out for herself but I can honestly say I am one of those moms who put their husband and kids first. 

It is catching up with me though, I guess that is why I have allowed it to go on, not taking time for myself that is.

Now, if it is confirmed his arse has been out at the club... I may have to arrange and change that. 

I haven't gone off on him or confronted him yet because like others here have said...

then he may turn off GPS 

I have been screenshotting and researching locations in the late evenings, haha using my CSI skills after I get the homefront and baby tended to and settled in. 

It is hard having your spouse away it truly is...
I just hope that I don't have to have a short-lived marriage and find out his love and respect for me was short-lived also 

 

let's see how the coming days go... he has only been there for a week so this is not a great sign.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Edelbrock2423 said:


> I just have always felt like since before my daughter was born that if I was blessed to be a SAHM, that it was just my wifely/motherly duty to be in the household handling things.


I think it's great and quite admirable that many women are SAHM's. HOWEVER, if a woman lacks education, skills, and has been out of the workforce for a long time, it doesn't bode well if things go south in a marriage.

Are you prepared if something like that happens?


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## Edelbrock2423 (Jan 30, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> I think it's great and quite admirable that many women are SAHM's. HOWEVER, if a woman lacks education, skills, and has been out of the workforce for a long time, it doesn't bode well if things go south in a marriage.
> 
> Are you prepared if something like that happens?


Lord yes girl, I worked clear up until my daughter was born about 2 weeks prior! 

I have a college education haha and had worked since i was 14 so i can totally handle myself if things go south!


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## Edelbrock2423 (Jan 30, 2020)

oh my... I lost it tonight people! I knew it was building up 

He asked me again tonight if it was okay for him to go for another round of pool at a local sports bar... this was on facetime with me and my daughter.

I was all cool and breezy about it, as he was in front of one of his co-workers. He said he had to go get something to drink and hed be back. 

He began texting me, and asking me was i okay that i seemed distant.. oh man i flipped my lid lol... what i didn't say and call him i am still spinning 

I told him first off that it was ok if he wanted to go to a local sportsbar... that i had planned to go with my gfs this weekend to a local pub here.

He said like hell you are! 
excuse me?
YOUR NOT GOING WITH THOSE WH**RES! 

wow.. i confronted him about the strip club and he said the gps was not accurate that he went to a sportsbar lol 

like literally he was trying to make this ok???

this is the first night in our marriage we have went to bed or went our separate ways without saying i love you and been peaceful 

I am not backing down though, like really? 

sounds like i might just make a real plan to go get "turnt" later tonight LOL first time since i was 18 but hey im up for a good time 

a good woman scorned here... look out world!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Edelbrock2423 said:


> I just got a text message today from my H of 4 years...
> 
> He is working out of town, he pours concrete etc... Works with a crew of 6-8 men.
> 
> ...



Remember that was is good for the gander is also good for the goose. Please sit him down when he is sober and tell him so. Tell him he can choose to act the free and single life and be without a wife and kid or have a marriage and act like a decent married family man. 
No married man should be pulling this crap. Then ask him to take his **** and move out. You need to nip this in the bud and you have every right to be angry.

AND too many on this page are giving him way too much latitude, e.g. 'if he is a good man, he works hard, blah blah blah. Guys, just because he has a penis goes not entitle him to lying and this type of latitude.

I suggest you play him at his own game. Organise the baby sitter yourself for 2 days preferably and when he is out of town take yourself away to an all girls weekend at spa, partying whatever. Tell him you are going and see what happens. Tell him, if he can go to strip clubs and party down with the boys, so can you. He needs to get a taste of his own medicine, I don't care how hard he works. OP is working hard too taking care of HIS kid and their kid and a household. Give me a break!

In addition, his reaction to your going out is a big overreaction, I wonder why. Might it be something to do with the fact he plays away from home and in cheater fashion assumes you will too? Stick to your guns.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Edelbrock2423 said:


> I told him first off that it was ok if he wanted to go to a local sportsbar... that i had planned to go with my gfs this weekend to a local pub here.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



This reaction by him is NOT OK, on any level! You are not his prisoner, he is not your keeper! This one pisses me the hell off. 


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Edelbrock2423 said:


> oh my... I lost it tonight people! I knew it was building up
> 
> He asked me again tonight if it was okay for him to go for another round of pool at a local sports bar... this was on facetime with me and my daughter.
> 
> ...


We'll see you soon on divorce and separated forum soon, not that you are not entitled, but your playing with your marriage here and to a good woman scorned. Leads to the end, when the other acts out like a angry little girl. Enjoy yourself and when it escalates you remember it was worth it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I'd lay odds they stay together. There's something or some other circumstances in play here. 

OP forgive me if I'm wrong but for this to go so nuclear on one trip other issues must have been cooking already.


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## Edelbrock2423 (Jan 30, 2020)

Tilted 1 said:


> We'll see you soon on divorce and separated forum soon, not that you are not entitled, but your playing with your marriage here and to a good woman scorned. Leads to the end, when the other acts out like a angry little girl. Enjoy yourself and when it escalates you remember it was worth it.



So wait a minute... I am lashing out like a little girl because of what my H said to me? with him and his double standards and calling my friends names... 

What is your deal Title1?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Edelbrock2423 said:


> I just got a text message today from my H of 4 years...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Normal, yes. Justifiable... that's a different question.

If you are of the bent that even looking at porn is a problem AND have made the explicitly and verbally clear, then yes. Otherwise no.

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## Edelbrock2423 (Jan 30, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I'd lay odds they stay together. There's something or some other circumstances in play here.
> 
> OP forgive me if I'm wrong but for this to go so nuclear on one trip other issues must have been cooking already.


I don't know if anything was already cooking Ragnar, these last 4 years haven't been horrible.. sure we have our disagreements like normal but nothing along the lines of a separation or divorce.. 

The one thing I didn't like and have not is issues like this one..h has always had to know where i was all the time and i got questioned a lot for going places... 

like he would never pry to hard on things but i would get scolded if i was not home when he got home from work.

these last few months I have been treating him on those issues the same way he treats me and he clearly does not like that.

I don't know how most married people are but... im 36 years old... I lived my young adult life and seen my fair share of bars and other things.

When I got married that life for me was over... and i knew I could find other ways to enjoy myself and my time as i was NO LONGER SEEKING ATTENTION FROM THE OPPOSITE SEX OR FOR A RELATIONSHIP. 

The desires to get drunk were dang near next to none, sure ill have a glass of red wine now and again... but really?

he can drink a beer and scatch his balls back at the hotel or back at home. sheesh lol


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Edelbrock2423 said:


> So wait a minute... I am lashing out like a little girl because of what my H said to me? with him and his double standards and calling my friends names...
> 
> What is your deal Title1?


Nope no deal and not arguing with you, but 2 wrongs don't make it right. You gave him the green light and now your upset but after thought isn't all it's cracked up to be. Just saying. It's just someone has to be the grownup, but if these are the games you and H play far be it from me to .... Just seen this here and it just never works out well.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Edelbrock2423 said:


> So thankful for these responses...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


These are separate issue from your OP. Mind you they may have a related cause, but separate nonetheless. When dealing with problem only tackle one at a time. Don't try to resolve multiple issues at once. It feels very piled upon, where as one at a time is workable.

You do need to network more and make friends. That's on you, unless he is the abusive type to isolate you in the home, and then it's on you to get out.

And why does he have to plan the night out? Welcome to the 21st century. Women can just as much plan these things as men. Granted it really should be some of each, not one or the other. But take the initiative and them tell him you'd love for him to do what you did.

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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Edelbrock2423 said:


> I can honestly say I am one of those moms who put their husband and kids first.


If you do not.put yourself first, at least at times, then you will run yourself down and not be available for the critical times. You have to take time for yourself or you risk them.

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## Edelbrock2423 (Jan 30, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> If you do not put yourself first, at least at times, then you will run yourself down and not be available for the critical times. You have to take time for yourself or you risk them.
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


I agree Maquiscat... I think that really is a lot of what is going on with me at this moment in time... I am stretched thin as it is. 

I gave him the b.o.doubt with the gps because he is in this big city in Wyoming and it is surrounded by pubs and nightlife the place he told me he went is literally right across the street from a strip club and like others here have said... the GPS shows something totally different at times. 

the real issue for me here is, I just wanted to feel appreciated and it hurt and caught me off guard about the bar scene in general. 

I realize that every marriage and couple is different... but when we got married that is something we both agreed was disrespectful to one another. 

I was the one who encouraged him to go and enjoy himself, when I told him that it was fine he was a grown man and told him of my plans to get a babysitter and go out also. he flipped his lid on me which led me to flip out on him.

but im the type i don't have just one volume if i build an build on something i explode which i realize and know is unhealthy.

I just felt so controlled and unappreciated... and that is something i do not tolerate well! 

needless to say we now have other issues... but he keeps saying he wont go out anymore etc.. and has texted me left and right saying he wont go out and i didnt need to go out

I am unnerved by this and have never dealt with anything like this in a relationship. 

I think i have a lot of things to sort through for sure.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Check the credit card online and it will tell you exactly where he was.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So he’s not going to go out just to have the upper hand so YOU don’t go out... control freak much?? Why do you let him control you like this? 




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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Tilted 1 said:


> We'll see you soon on divorce and separated forum soon, not that you are not entitled, but your playing with your
> Imarriage here and to a good woman scorned. Leads to the end, when the other acts out like a angry little girl. Enjoy yourself and when it escalates you remember it was worth it.


Tilted, what are you saying exactly? That she should be the good little wife and placate her man? Handle him with kid gloves? Afterall he has a penis, he works hard, he needs downtime, etc? How is she playing with her marriage? He is the one playing fast with transparency. He is the one on boys nights out. She is at home managing a household and kids. 
Why is it always the wife's responsibility to be the keeper of the relationship? Please think about that? Why? Because that is exactly what you are saying here.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

aine said:


> Tilted, what are you saying exactly? That she should be the good little wife and placate her man? Handle him with kid gloves? Afterall he has a penis, he works hard, he needs downtime, etc? How is she playing with her marriage? He is the one playing fast with transparency. He is the one on boys nights out. She is at home managing a household and kids.
> Why is it always the wife's responsibility to be the keeper of the relationship? Please think about that? Why? Because that is exactly what you are saying here.


What lm say is when you have two so called adults handle tiny issues like children it will end bad as for her or him going out without each other, and it isn't that they can or can't it just when each so called adults handle it like teenager's show they are not up to the marriage and likely will end bad for them. Envy, and rage tantrum's is not handling it properly. She should wait until he come home and then have a talk not pound her feet and say I'm going because l deserve to because he did so. It show neither have concern for the other really and piss into the wind just because they can. And to boot they have kids, what a loss when people can't handle issues like adults.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

In a way, it sounds like your husband treats you this way OP, because he is working outside the home, and doesn't respect that you don't have a job outside of the home right now. It sounds like a power struggle. My parents have been through this, my dad is very controlling and my mom tolerates it because he has his own business and has provided a great lifestyle for her and our family. 

My dad never went out like your husband though, to the best of my knowledge, so not sure how my mom would have reacted, but I think it's natural to be angry. I wouldn't do things to spite your husband. It's not a healthy way to be in a marriage. I've only been married a few years now, and as I go along, marriage is about communicating. But, it's largely about respect. Your husband doesn't sound like he respects you and that needs to change.

I would have a heart to heart with him about that, and discuss the going out with the guys (to strip clubs?) is a symptom of a larger issue. And marriages don't survive long with lies. If he starts telling you small lies, they'll grow...as you can probably read from many of the stories on this site.

That's my advice, don't do things out of spite to ''get back'' at your husband, because in the end, it won't change the problems that are going on in your marriage. But, I wouldn't tolerate what he's doing, either. Just be tactful and see where it leads.


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## Edelbrock2423 (Jan 30, 2020)

unfortunately "Title" told me I couldn't argue with him so I'll dodge everything and just say this...

Yes I agree it was not smart to throw a tantrum.. as I said here in this thread
I am human, I am vulnerable right now and never had to deal with anything like this. 

I hope in time I can be forgiven for my tantrum, but I don't think it was all that inappropriate considering what i've endured the last few days.

as far as getting back at him goes... I didn't do that, but it was nice to think about and plan out the revenge in my mind. I was and am very hurt by this.

As i said in the beginning of my post... I was totally okay with my hubby unwinding after a hard day at work. 

It was just a blow to my face that i believe he went to the strip club instead of pub and i found out tonight he will be returning tomorrow evening. 

i looked at credit card purchases there are 2 pending charges... when they clear i guess i'll know more.

in the meantime im just going to try to forget it until he gets home and enjoy the time with my children. 

I've always took care of myself... if this is what SAHM mode is like, i won't tolerate that. He can find someone else to put up with those things 

:'(, I just am a lot different than most of my generation... i took my vows seriously and i know sadly many others do not.

thanking everyone that has been so kind and supportive.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Pop a tracker in his vehicle.

Arrange a babysitter.

Find him, tell him you are not stupid and to show you some respect.

Tell him to get a new job or enjoy paying child support.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Tilted 1 said:


> What lm say is when you have two so called adults handle tiny issues like children it will end bad as for her or him going out without each other, and it isn't that they can or can't it just when each so called adults handle it like teenager's show they are not up to the marriage and likely will end bad for them. Envy, and rage tantrum's is not handling it properly. She should wait until he come home and then have a talk not pound her feet and say I'm going because l deserve to because he did so. It show neither have concern for the other really and piss into the wind just because they can. And to boot they have kids, what a loss when people can't handle issues like adults.


"Tiny issues?" Really? Your minimizing is extraordinary! If her H was an adult, then maybe your solution would have some validity. Her husband lies to her, and appears to visit strip joints, tries to control her going out.None of these are tiny issues. There is also nothing 'adult' about his behavior either.

Giving this type of advice is dangerous to a woman who is obviously being taken for granted and put down by her H. I don't know what generation you come from, but you are suggesting she be the adult, right? Why should she, he is not her teenage son. If he cannot respect her or the marriage, he does not deserve to be in it. He has already shown his colors.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Edelbrock2423 said:


> I also do not have anyone to depend on to help me, I am raising mine without the village...
> SMH.


Meh, I didn't have any help raising my son, either. I did it all on my own without in-laws to take him for the weekends or anything else. I did it myself.

My then-husband had his own business and was on the volunteer fire dept. so there was never really a time that he was home for long. He had complete carte blanche to come and go as he pleased, while I lived the life you're living - being the responsible and involved parent tethered to the house and child 24 hours a day.

That's exactly why I didn't give him the *2nd* kid he wanted - because it was ME doing it all. "One and done" become my motto.

Your husband's a complete lying jackass who probably made sure to get a couple charges on your card from the sports bar before going over to the nudie bar so it appears as though he were at the sports bar all night. He sounds like a snake.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Edelbrock2423 said:


> I agree Maquiscat... I think that really is a lot of what is going on with me at this moment in time... I am stretched thin as it is.
> 
> I gave him the b.o.doubt with the gps because he is in this big city in Wyoming and it is surrounded by pubs and nightlife the place he told me he went is literally right across the street from a strip club and like others here have said... the GPS shows something totally different at times.
> 
> ...


These things may have been simmering in the background and overall now things appear to have come to a head.

This can be good. Cool but firm discussions can be productive.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

aine said:


> "Tiny issues?" Really?


OP do what you think is right.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

All I am saying is sometimes when you win you lose and the OP stated there are other underlying issues. This just brought it too a head. But it will work out the way it's supposed to work out. 

But the OP see's that her going out may not be the best thing for her, but if she the OP thinks it will be the best thing to do by all means. I not trying to stop her but give you a moment of pause.

OP, take what is useful to you read here and use advice that best helps you we are an anonymous on this fourm, we are all say what has helped up in each or our own life experiences do what you think is best. Good luck with your husband, l do hope it works best for you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It isn't healthy for you to be housebound. There is nothing wrong with you meeting friends for dinner and a movie. We all need to get out once in a while. Your husband can sit on his insecurities while watching the kids.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You may think you're different for your generation, but human nature is human nature and you are experiencing the same problems that people of all generations experience. I am much older than you and have a marriage in which the H traveled extensively. If my H had behaved like yours, I would have divorced him. (My life with my kids and my work was stressful enough; if he wanted to add egregiously to my stress, then he could go.)

Since humans always make up the same excuses for a given circumstance, this is what they say when caught at strip clubs:

- The gps was wrong.
- Yes, I took money out at the atm outside the strip club, but I never stepped foot in the place.
- Yes, I know what the CC statement says, but I only had a few drinks.
- Yes, I know that the amount charged is very large, but I just watched. Never touched.
- Yes, I know it was enough for a back room, but it was a lap dance and I didn't touch.

Etc., ad nauseam.

It's my opinion that you have to create your boundaries, make them clear, and then live with and by them. Some couples are OK with strip clubs. Many are not. Some couples are OK with business travels being coupled with lots of fun time for the traveling spouse. Some are not.

You should make your boundaries clear and then tell your H what the consequences are if he ignores the boundaries and lies to you.

I personally wouldn't believe his explanation of the gps. I would have a serious discussion in which boundaries are defined (very specifically). This way he can't act like he didn't know.

The fact is that he's out partying while you take care of your family. If you don't like that fact, then you should very clearly articulate what your expectations in the marriage are. (And I know that losing your cool can be embarrassing, but some things generate upset and anger and you don't have to be ashamed of having completely normal feelings. Those emotions serve a purpose in our lives.)


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

alte Dame said:


> (And I know that losing your cool can be embarrassing, but some things generate upset and anger and you don't have to be ashamed of having completely normal feelings. Those emotions serve a purpose in our lives.)


I think this bears repeating. While we should not make excuses for going off or have a habit of loosing our cool, when something big happens, it is appropriate to express our displeasure and show our emotions, as long as we are not hurting someone in the process. By hurting someone, I mean being abusive emotionally or physically. Anger, strong anger, can be expressed without personal attacks, but still show strong emotional. Example: Yelling, "That is unacceptable! I am angry!" I believe that raising one's voice should be extremely rare and only under circumstances where something serious is happening.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Edelbrock2423 said:


> I also do not have anyone to depend on to help me, I am raising mine without the village...
> SMH.


The way you fix this is that you make friends with women who have young children. Then you all work about an agreement to help each other out.

I'm not saying that your husband should not be helping. But he works away from home a lot so he cannot help when he's gone.

Get on the website http://meetup.com Find groups for moms. They are often called play groups. You go with you children, they play with other kids and you hang out with the moms. Make friends.

How old is your step son? How often does he stay at your home?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tilted 1 said:


> What lm say is when you have two so called adults handle tiny issues like children it will end bad as for her or him going out without each other, and it isn't that they can or can't it just when each so called adults handle it like teenager's show they are not up to the marriage and likely will end bad for them. Envy, and rage tantrum's is not handling it properly. She should wait until he come home and then have a talk not pound her feet and say I'm going because l deserve to because he did so. It show neither have concern for the other really and piss into the wind just because they can. And to boot they have kids, what a loss when people can't handle issues like adults.


I don't think that her telling him that she's going to get a babysitter and go out with friends was a bad or wrong thing to do. IMHO, it's putting a full length mirror up to him and letting him see what he is doing from a different point of view. She did not do it, she just let him contemplate how he would react if she did the same thing. He not understands his own actions from her point of view.


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## Edelbrock2423 (Jan 30, 2020)

Yes I agree and am so grateful here with the responses. 

I can feel myself going into a depression, I have my stepson 3 to 4 days a week even when DH is out of town SS is 5! I just got back from late evening shopping trip with him and my DD I am so spent emotionally.

H is of course out after work celebrating superbowl sunday with his boss and co-workers normally it wouldn't be issue for me but here I am with no help with the kids... i feel so overwhelmed.

I attempted to make contact with my father tonight and see if he would at least watch my daughter for a couple of hours as it would be so much quicker and easier to get the shopping done with just me and ss. 

of course as usual no answer etc...

my h texted me and asked where i had been... so i pulled up the gps on his end and i asked where the he** he was!?? 
I am so volatile with him right now and fed up with him...

i told him to F off via text and leave me alone for the night..

he said I DONT KNOW WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS IVE ONLY HAD 2 BEERS

i said... LOL while i was literally laughing out loud on the verge of tears... only 2 beers... 
out relaxing...

ID GIVE ANYTHING FOR JUST AN HOUR of ME TIME! 

hes been at the pub now for nearly 3 hours 

EYEROLL SMH


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

People who don't have the daily, constant responsibility of taking care of small children have NO idea how strangling it can be emotionally. I know my H never experienced it or understood. When my kids were babies I flipped out when I noticed that there was mud on the floor mats in my car, the car that my H had borrowed. It turned out that he and some colleagues had taken some time out from work to go play handball. This enraged me because I had zero breaks in my day - zero. (I couldn't take a shower without having two toddlers banging on the shower door.) When I found out that he had just taken some time out from work to go to the dentist, I was angry as hell. I had no freedom to do any of that.

What I finally did was begin to make my own plans for down time. I told him what my plans were and made it clear that the children were his responsibility. If he couldn't be home, he had to arrange for childcare. It took several years for me to reach this point, so I very much understand your hurt and frustration.

Your H declares freedom for himself that you don't feel you can have. Again, begin to define your boundaries and start to stand up for yourself. Absolutely no strip clubs. No lying. If he gets free time, so do you. It's only fair.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You must take care of yourself. Value yourself or no one else will value you. Unless you are a slave, you deserve time off. Pay a baby-sitter or trade play dates with another mom. 

I am a bit confused--happens to me often. You have been married for 4 years and have step-son (SS) 5 years old #51? A bit quick? You speak of daughter in #19 and son (baby) in #8.

Do not let husband intimidate you or lie to you. State your needs and concerns calmly, do poly if you wish, or hire a PI when husband is out-of town. He now knows you are upset--this is no joke. You are wise to seek answers here. Does five-year-old go to school, neighbors, grands?

Biggest issue is you are doubting husband's truth and losing trust. Did he cheat in his previous relationship? State your boundaries now. When will he be home? How far away is he? Any possibility you could visit?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> I don't think that her telling him that she's going to get a babysitter and go out with friends was a bad or wrong thing to do. IMHO, it's putting a full length mirror up to him and letting him see what he is doing from a different point of view. She did not do it, she just let him contemplate how he would react if she did the same thing. He not understands his own actions from her point of view.


Of course , a moment of pause, and some where in her heart she knew this. We are a fourm and we say something to help the other posters, weather she/he does or does not. Is up to them and if it strikes a cord they already know it. 

We are all here to help, it's not my generation nor age but if we been and experienced something similar, we found what works and what doesn't. It's only up to the poster to choose what they know is the better choice or not. 

And if it stirs the pot/ triggers others here, well were all here because of things in our marriage and lives. We separated/ended/cheated/or accepted thing as they are, or want to change something that may alter the course of our lives. So all advice is typed out and it's the choice of the poster to use or not advice given here.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, he works out of town, you're there raising his kid from a previous relationship and your kid together, and his friends are lying cheaters who blow money at the titty bar and now he's hanging there with them.

Yet he doesn't want you going out he thinks your friends are *****s, he chastises you like a teenager when you are busy and not home when he gets home?

Projection, much?

If you want a random stranger who doesn't know either of you to speculate, I think he's been unfaithful either currently or in the past. He's acting an awful lot like a man who did some stuff and is afraid his woman will do the same.

Also, having personally known more than a few strippers and some guys who patronize their establishments, I can say for certainty that strippers doing extra for $$ is a thing. Around here lap dances are $20, going into the private VIP room is $40, handy's go for about $20-$30, bj's average $60-$80, and actual intercourse starts at about $100 and goes up from there depending on what the customer wants to do. At the end of the night, close to closing time, prices drop a bit.

So, yeah, check the finances. If he's spent more than, say, $40-$60 on cover and a couple drinks then you know he's been paying for more than the visual stimulation.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'm just curious.

Why on earth are YOU raising he and his ex's kid 5 days a week for them????? That would be the first thing I'd be changing real quickly. Where is this kid's mother? You have no problem with these jack-asses using YOU as their full-time daycare for THEIR son?

All you are to this ass-wipe you married is a NANNY, a daycare provider, a house cleaner, laundress, cook, appt. maker, food shopper and bed wench. But apparently, what he uses you most for is a step-mommy to his son because he's in no position to do it himself and *someone* has to do it, right?

What is SO wonderful about this opportunistic ass-hole that you're willing to raise his kid for he and his ex and make all these personal sacrifices for him? 

I don't get it. I honestly DON'T get it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Many, many men marry just to get someone to take care of their kids. There is a member who is divorcing his 2nd wife right now who he admits he married because he needed a mom for his kids. Too bad it didn't work out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Edelbrock2423,

How are you doing? What's up?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Edelbrock2423 said:


> my h texted me and asked where i had been... so i pulled up the gps on his end and i asked where the he** he was!??
> I am so volatile with him right now and fed up with him...
> 
> i told him to F off via text and leave me alone for the night..
> ...


You are upset and have every right to be. However, getting upset with him without any concrete action or any consequences for his behavior(s) means nothing. Can you see that? 

Until, and unless, you are ready to set boundaries and not engage him in an emotional manner, I'm afraid you're stuck with what you have. Sorry.


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## Edelbrock2423 (Jan 30, 2020)

Update

He has been injured on the job... Karma much?

broken neck he is darn near lucky to be alive!!!

The company is flying him home tomorrow, so whatever party streak he might have been on is over now... until the next trip! *Eyeroll*

He claims that he is sincerely sorry, and that if I want to get out and go to store alone without the kids he will help me do that during the week after he comes home from work! I am now also encouraged to go out once or twice a month as i please... as long as he gets a night with me alone 

he claims i am the one who has been isolating not him taking part in that. 

I hope I am not being harsh on him but I just can't give in yet.. 

I grew up seeing nothing but abusive and toxic relationships, i am not about to be in one myself. 

I feel like he needs to know the boundaries and what i thought was already set in stone logics of our marriage??? 

talk about a fast track/wake up call

all that aside i hope that there will not be any permanent damage for him other than a swift kick in the rear from his ticked off wife 

SMH

looks like I will be tending to 3 babies now for a bit instead of 2 lol.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Edelbrock2423 said:


> Yes I agree and am so grateful here with the responses.
> 
> I can feel myself going into a depression, I have my stepson 3 to 4 days a week even when DH is out of town SS is 5! I just got back from late evening shopping trip with him and my DD I am so spent emotionally.
> 
> ...


It's time your husband grow up. Yes he is a laboror and works hard, but he is also a husband and a father, and he needs to forget the damn beers and get home to help his wife. You don't get a break, ever, so he needs to pitch in when he is not at work.

Sheesh! Some men are childish and entitled!

ETA: I hadn't read your latest post when I posted mine.

It sounds like breaking his neck gave him a wake-up call. I wonder why. Maybe he is concerned that if he is disabled he might lose you, so he had better give you some support and space? IDK.

At least for now he seems to have decided to be a supportive husband and father, not just an ATM.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Edelbrock2423 said:


> Update
> 
> He has been injured on the job... Karma much?
> 
> ...


Yikes, that sounds horrible. I'm assuming from your post that he can still get around some. Is that right? Have the docs said how long it will be before he can go back to work?


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## Edelbrock2423 (Jan 30, 2020)

Yes, he was very lucky! I believe the injury has scared him also about recovery with me etc... after i showed my horns over the way he treated me about wanting to measure up to him going out also i think he probably at least once thought... hmmm if I don't start being kind and respecting her especially while injured she might break another bone while i am home LOL jokes aside 

when his boss called me and informed me of it he said if he hadn't been wearing a hardhat it could have been so much worse... He sees a spinal specialist on Thursday to make sure any other damage has not been done. 

He has fractured his C7! 

We were told initially that it would be 2 months of recovery time, pending the spinal evaluation! 

However, when the husband was in ER he insisted on returning to work ASAP... so they wrote him on light duty... thankfully he has a great boss and works for a good company so now we play the waiting game. 

Just so thankful he will be compensated for it and hopefully, he will change his tune...


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