# how does Alimony work?



## JamieSSR (2 mo ago)

If I was the primary earner for most of 15 year marriage (i'm guessing 12 years) and now my stbx has earned more the past 18 months (about 2x as much as me), can I get spousal support?

I don't want it, I just want to use it as a bargaining item. We had agreed to terms verbally and then the paper work was different.

thanks!

PS: I have no money, living paycheck to paycheck, can't afford a lawyer.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

it depends in the state you live in, your lawyer would be the best person to ask


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

JamieSSR said:


> If I was the primary earner for most of 15 year marriage (i'm guessing 12 years) and now my stbx has earned more the past 18 months (about 2x as much as me), can I get spousal support?
> 
> I don't want it, I just want to use it as a bargaining item. We had agreed to terms verbally and then the paper work was different.
> 
> ...


Depends on the state, and do you have children? In New York 18 months is more than enough, but best to check on the specifics of your state.


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## JamieSSR (2 mo ago)

Lostinthought61 said:


> it depends in the state you live in, your lawyer would be the best person to ask





BigDaddyNY said:


> Depends on the state, and do you have children? In New York 18 months is more than enough, but best to check on the specifics of your state.


COlorado

two kids

can't afford a lawyer. Just wondering if I should file the alimony paperwork (is that a thing) to use as a bargaining piece, just because my stbx agreed verbally to take all assets (not much) and all debt (not that much either, but I can't afford it).


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Please seek a consult with an attorney. It might be free. She could possibly be ordered to pay your attorney fees.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

If you "can't afford" an attorney at least do your own legal research. Go to the website for the courts in your state. There will be info about family law & alimony. Then read the statute and read the case law interpreting that statute. You need to know what you are talking about so you don't waste the court's time. If you piss off the judge by posturing you will dig yourself into a credibility hole. 

Generally alimony is a function of the length of the marriage and a replacement for the wages one spouse lost while taking care of the home rather than earning a living. Your marriage is not that long -- 15 years -- and you worked during the whole thing. So what wages did you lose? Another factor is the lifestyle to which the spouse in need of alimony became accustomed to during the marriage & how that will change after a divorce. So if somebody who earned $35,000 per year married somebody who earned $250,000 per year, the lower wage earner may be entitled to to some payments. Unless your wife's new job is more than double your earnings, you are wasting your time with a frivolous argument about your alleged entitlement. 

Alimony is no longer a life time payout. It's for some period until the one who needs it can get back on their financial feet. Proving entitlement involves more than just a pay check comparison You usually need employment experts to talk about market conditions & potential for wage earnings. That expert will cost you at least $5,000 just for the preliminary report. Without this you are blowing smoke claiming alimony. You'd be better served using the money for a lawyer.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

This is pretty much how it works: 

Once a month you will stand before your ex wife and empty your bank account and wallet at her feet. Repeat next month…. so on and so forth


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## JamieSSR (2 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> If you "can't afford" an attorney at least do your own legal research


working on that, but also hoping for insight, as you did provide. thanks!

stbx filed paperwork, looks like a generic form, didn't ask for anything specific. I guess this is just how the process begins?

14. I/We ask that the Court make orders about (check all that apply):
 the status of this marriage 
 the parenting plan for the child(ren) in this case 
 maintenance (spousal support) 
 child support 
 division of property and debts 
 lawyer fees and costs 
 restoring a party’s (or parties’) last name(s) 
 other orders (specify):

some boxes were checked, does checking them and signing off give the court 100% right and responsibility to determine the out-comes or do the divorcing parents get a say going forward? I just don't want to sign over 100% decisions to the court. 

Or, this is just how it starts and discussions by all take place going forward to find a common ground?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@JamieSSR 

I’m doing this by memory, but I divorced in CO. I believe if you check, you are saying you and STBX aren’t able to agree and want the judge to rule. If you do NOT check, you’d have a place to enter what the agreement you reached (see appendix A for our Parenting Plan).

In CO, you need to be married more than 3 years and less than 20 years. You take 40% of the higher wage and subtract 50 % of the lower wage. This is the proposed alimony figure.

Then add both wages together and calculate 40% of the total. If your wage plus the proposed alimony is greater than 40% of the total… then it’s reduced to match that 40% amount.

So there’s a rough way to calculate what May or may not be available. If you choose alimony—you have to ask for it. It won’t just be given to you. The judge would determine how long it would last.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

JamieSSR said:


> If I was the primary earner for most of 15 year marriage (i'm guessing 12 years) and now my stbx has earned more the past 18 months (about 2x as much as me), can I get spousal support?
> 
> ......* can't afford a lawyer.*


First, you can't afford NOT to have a lawyer. Sorry.

As a co-worker of mine told me years after his divorce, "Alimony, is what the judge says it is and you have to pay it or expect to have your wages garnished and possibly go to jail." It is what it is and you don't have a choice once the papers are signed and approved by the judge.

Good luck.


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## JamieSSR (2 mo ago)

Affaircare said:


> I’m doing this by memory, but I divorced in CO. I believe if you check, you are saying you and STBX aren’t able to agree and want the judge to rule. If you do NOT check, you’d have a place to enter what the agreement you reached (see appendix A for our Parenting Plan).


thank you! I guess I have to do more research on what checking those boxes mean because I don't want a judge making decisions for us if we can compromise.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

JamieSSR said:


> If I was the primary earner for most of 15 year marriage (i'm guessing 12 years) and now my stbx has earned more the past 18 months (about 2x as much as me), can I get spousal support?
> 
> _I don't want it, I just want to use it as a bargaining item._ We had agreed to terms verbally and then the paper work was different.


@JamieSSR , 

Can I ask you a question? If the paperwork is just "written down" and not filed, why don't you look at the paperwork and if it's co-petitioning, just tell him that's not the what you agreed to, and here's what you did agree to, and then work up new paperwork reflecting that? Or if the paperwork IS filed and it's petitioner-respondent, just respond with what you had agreed to? 

In my divorce, my exH made about $100k/yr and I made like $30k/yr but I didn't ask for alimony. I think I might have qualified, but honestly, I can live on my salary and I just wanted to be free of him and his influence! He was the "spender" in our family.  

For an alimony example, let's say you make $4k/month and he makes $8k/month ($12k/month total...$144k/year as a couple). This is SUPER simplified:
$8000 X 40% = $3200
$4000 X 50% = $2000
Possible alimony = $3200-2000=$1200

$8000 + $4000 = $12,000 X 40% = $4800 which is the maximum the alimony can take you to monthly
$4000 + $1200 = $5200 which is larger than $4800
So alimony would be reduced to $800/month

So your question becomes this: is the "threat" of $800/month ($9600/year) going to offset whatever change he made in the paperwork? And in order to "win" the $800 per month, how much will you have to pay in filing new paperwork or retaining a lawyer? I know you said you can't afford a lawyer, but if he's changed thousands of dollars of assets, it will take more than the threat of alimony to address that, and a lawyer will just eat through what assets you have anyway. 

If you guys can be even somewhat close to civil, I'd recommend agreeing on everything you can, and documenting the agreement as an appendix to the divorce papers. Usually the process is something like this: 1) Party A files (petitioner), 2) Party B has 30 (or 45 or 60) days to respond, 3) Initial Status Conference (to schedule stuff), 4) Temporary Orders (do this until we can order something), 5) Financial Disclosure/Discovery, 6) Settlement/Mediation meetings, 7) Final Orders. It is very rare for two people to COMPLETELY agree in a divorce--if you could agree and get along, you'd be staying married. So what often happens is that you'll agree on the status of the marriage, some of the parenting plan, child support, some division of assets and debts, and restoring maiden name...but disagree on some parent items, spousal support, and some assets/debts. So you agree on everything you can and ask the judge to rule only on the things you can't. 

But bear this in mind: you worked for 12 years as the main breadwinner, and he's been earning more for less than 2 years...but the judge isn't gonna care ONE LICK about "fairness" or getting justice. The judge sees it like a balance sheet: here's your stuff, here's what you owe, divide it equally. The End. So if your goal is to get recompense for being the breadwinner all those years he sat on his tail--you won't get that kind of justice. What you WILL get is that you'll lose something precious to you, and he'll lose something precious to him, and you need to consider if that cost is worth the freedom of getting away. 

I decided to die on the hill of Child Support. He helped make the kids and he wanted them too--he can contribute to their care and well-being. All the rest I was willing to think of as negotiable--I could give X to get Y.


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## JamieSSR (2 mo ago)

Affaircare said:


> . Usually the process is something like this: 1) Party A files (petitioner), 2) Party B has 30 (or 45 or 60) days to respond, 3) Initial Status Conference (to schedule stuff), 4) Temporary Orders (do this until we can order something), 5) Financial Disclosure/Discovery, 6) Settlement/Mediation meetings, 7) Final Orders.


good to know, thanks!


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