# Nervous as Heck



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

So I got a call from my previous employer to do a shift tonight. For those of you who don't know my sitch. I cheated on my husband and used to text while doing an overnight shift (clients all sleeping). I also lied about going to work and met up with OM, hubby knows this of course.

This is a trigger for my husband, and so we talked about it before the holidays, and both decided it would be okay to pick up a few shifts here and there, and given the fact that we need the money. So, they called this am and hubby took the call, which was good in that he knows it's legit, since I had lied on two occasions that I was going to work and met up with OM (during the affair).

He did not want to put a VAR in my car and justified it with the idea that if I'm going to cheat again, I'll figure a way to do it anyway. But I think he is starting to trust me as well.

I guess what I didn't expect is that I would be triggering big time myself. Just walking into the building is making me nervous, like all the sh*t is going to come back. I'm totally over OM, it's not about missing him etc. Just the lies, cheating, gaslighting, blame shifting I did during that time, reminds me what a piece of garbage I was to my husband. Hubby says it might be a bit of PTSD, I'm starting to think he's right.

Anyway, that's where I am today


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Husband sounds like a man who knows what he wants and what he is comfortable with.

Tell him how you are feeling about this if you have not done so already (you triggering). He is going to sense your anxiety and wonder what the problem is - so talk to him.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

TDSC60 said:


> Husband sounds like a man who knows what he wants and what he is comfortable with.
> 
> Tell him how you are feeling about this if you have not done so already (you triggering). He is going to sense your anxiety and wonder what the problem is - so talk to him.


Good point, I'll talk to him before I leave. He's very in tuned to my feelings, and yeah, he'll pick up that I'm feeling anxious about leaving.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Makes sense. My AP lived about 100 miles from my wife and I in an area that we vacation in quite a bit. The first time we went there after my affair ended my AP had moved away but it still totally weirded me out.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I get what you mean about the triggers of a place. I can't even go to the city my hubs moved to when he left. I get nauseated.


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

working_together said:


> So I got a call from my previous employer to do a shift tonight. For those of you who don't know my sitch. I cheated on my husband and used to text while doing an overnight shift (clients all sleeping). I also lied about going to work and met up with OM, hubby knows this of course.
> 
> This is a trigger for my husband, and so we talked about it before the holidays, and both decided it would be okay to pick up a few shifts here and there, and given the fact that we need the money. So, they called this am and hubby took the call, which was good in that he knows it's legit, since I had lied on two occasions that I was going to work and met up with OM (during the affair).
> 
> ...


If you think you're triggering (probable are), your huband must be triggering as well, because your former work place is a big trigger for him!


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Yeah, he's triggering as well, although he's napping so not sure. It was short notice so we haven't really spoke about it. I made sure to ask him before I took the shift. Normally, I would have just said yes, and then asked him if that was ok, I'm trying to change that.

And since I'm going to be paying for MC, I need the bucks


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Call him often...when you arrive, breaks, lunch and when you leave. Trust me just the short call informing him you are thinking of him and are concerned and just to verify your thinking of him and only him will be a big help. These "check ins" don't have to be long , but just the fact that you understand his worry and you are infact were you say you are and there is no one else, this will help him.

In my case it is a big help, so I highly recommend it. Especially when you are getting off the shift...call.....ask him if he needs anything from the store......he will know you will be home soon and then the hystirical bonding can began.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Do what you have agreed upon with your husband, and NOTHING more. If you have any doubts, talk to him beforehand. If you are experiencing triggers , tell him why you are feeling the way you do. Leave him in no doubt, of any kind. Communicate, communicate, communicate. No "gaps" in the time-frame of your shift, always at work, calls to ease his worry, and home the minute your shift is over, no stops along the way. You're smart, Working, you know what to do.......and what NOT to do.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Do what you have agreed upon with your husband, and NOTHING more. If you have any doubts, talk to him beforehand. If you are experiencing triggers , tell him why you are feeling the way you do. Leave him in no doubt, of any kind. Communicate, communicate, communicate. No "gaps" in the time-frame of your shift, always at work, calls to ease his worry, and home the minute your shift is over, no stops along the way. You're smart, Working, you know what to do.......and what NOT to do.


This.

For the same reason (but from the opposite side), I am going to have a serious issue when I go back to Vegas for a conference in May. This is when I discovered emails from my W to the OM, and I didn't sleep in my room at the Aria at all. The conference was then a disaster, and I will be going again this year.

Just be in contact with your H as much as possible. Send flirty texts, chitchat (it sounds like you have time). This will help both of you.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Thanks for all the input....I was thinking all the same things.

So, just before I left I asked him how he was feeling about me going to work, stressed etc. He replied that he was feeling ok about it, made a little joke (surprised me), and so I left in good spirits.

During the shift we texted back and forth when I wasn't busy. At the end of the shift, I texted him that I was on my way home.

The triggers were not as bad as I thought, maybe because I was busy, or because it was not the overnight shift (my old shift usually), and there were people around and I wasn't the only worker. I remember back then I was confused over my situation, and I had a lot of time to think about it. Weirdly, it was the drive there and back that brought most of those memories up, not sure why though.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

an idle mind is the devil's playground 

the drive was worse because you had time to think


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

working_together said:


> Weirdly, it was the drive there and back that brought most of those memories up, not sure why though.


Because you were alone with your thoughts.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> an idle mind is the devil's playground
> 
> the drive was worse because you had time to think


yeah, I know, I was just speeding along trying to make it as quick as possible. I tried blasting my music, but that just annoyed me. I guess it'll get easier with more shifts.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

working_together said:


> yeah, I know, I was just speeding along trying to make it as quick as possible. I tried blasting my music, but that just annoyed me. I guess it'll get easier with more shifts.


Yeah just be careful with that speeding, didn't you get a ticket two weeks ago for running a stop sign?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

the guy said:


> Call him often...when you arrive, breaks, lunch and when you leave. Trust me just the short call informing him you are thinking of him and are concerned and just to verify your thinking of him and only him will be a big help. These "check ins" don't have to be long , but just the fact that you understand his worry and you are infact were you say you are and there is no one else, this will help him.
> 
> In my case it is a big help, so I highly recommend it. Especially when you are getting off the shift...call.....ask him if he needs anything from the store......he will know you will be home soon and then the hystirical bonding can began.


lol on hysterical bonding.....got home too late.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

morituri said:


> Yeah just be careful with that speeding, didn't you get a ticket two weeks ago for running a stop sign?


Me??? you have me mistaken with another member. 

still haven't got that ticket in the mail yet, the officer told me the printer wasn't working.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

You are playing with fire. Just cause your H knows it doesn't mean he knows how dangerous it could be.
Maybe you could invest in routine polygraphs to keep strong so you don't cross boundaries again.
You need something.
Will power doesn't work on its own when you have already cheated and corrupted the vows of marriage. You have to constantly look for ways to avoid temptation to be secretive.
You know that though. That is why you posted.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

chattycathy said:


> You are playing with fire. Just cause your H knows it doesn't mean he knows how dangerous it could be.
> Maybe you could invest in routine polygraphs to keep strong so you don't cross boundaries again.
> You need something.
> Will power doesn't work on its own when you have already cheated and corrupted the vows of marriage. You have to constantly look for ways to avoid temptation to be secretive.
> You know that though. That is why you posted.


For me it's not about "temptation", I actually had a brief convo about this with a friend of mine, she said the same thing. I do have will power, I'm not some weak sex crazed woman looking for hook ups. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I guess I'm a bit sensitive about that word. Just makes me seem like I don't have control over myself. I'm an open book now, no secrets. 

It's all about the boundaries I have to establish for myself, and I'm pretty clear about them now I think, obviously I still have work to do in this area. 

My big problem with the opposite sex is that I really can't pick up the friendly vs the hit on. Hubby has always had to point this out to me. I'm very outgoing and friendly, so I don't know if they take it the wrong way. Maybe I'm naive, but it could be that I never had many b/f's before hubby and nothing on the intimate level.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

working_together said:


> My big problem with the opposite sex is that I really can't pick up the friendly vs the hit on. Hubby has always had to point this out to me. I'm very outgoing and friendly, so I don't know if they take it the wrong way. Maybe I'm naive, but it could be that I never had many b/f's before hubby and nothing on the intimate level.


You may not be a sex craved woman but the guys with 10 times the amount of testosterone in their bodies than you probably are.

Complements about your looks or another guys looks are a definite no no. Guys especially attracted to a woman often react to her complements by saying to themselves "she wants me" when that is not the case.

Just some sage words from ol' mori


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

morituri said:


> You may not be a sex craved woman but the guys with 10 times the amount of testosterone in their bodies than you probably are.
> 
> Complements about your looks or another guys looks are a definite no no. Guys especially attracted to a woman often react to her complements by saying to themselves "she wants me" when that is not the case.
> 
> Just some sage words from ol' mori


I get what you are saying....I can pick up on the obvious hints, I'm not that oblivious lol. I totally agree that when the opposite sex starts making comments about looks, it's a red flag.

I have a funny story where I WAS completley oblivious. I was in college, I had this guy friend, someone I hung around with at breaks only. Anyway, he was a thalidmide sp?, in a wheel chair etc. I felt kind of bad for him because he was one of those people that always had a comment to make in class, and basically would never shut up, everyone hated him. I took pitty on him. So one day he makes this random comment "just because I'm in a wheel chair doesn't mean that certain parts don't work". I was so shocked that he said this, I said nothing, that's where problems started, I should have addressed it. I told hubby (we were dating), he was somewhat pissed, and thought the guy took advantage of my kindness, but left it at that. The guy ended up getting my home number out of the phone book, and called my mom asking for me. This went on for a few days, so hubby marched down to the college, waited for the guy to come out and basically chased him down the street threatening to kill him. I thought it was funny (the visual image only), but hubby was furious. I just wanted the guy to buzz off. He ended up calling my mom again and telling her what my husband had done etc. She felt bad too lol we got rid of him. Moral of the story is that I just don't see this sh*t coming. Of course I'm better now, wiser I guess.

And this is why I don't think people should have platonic relationships with the opposite sex.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Just admit it, Working, you are a can of gasoline looking for a box of matches. LOL


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Just admit it, Working, you are a can of gasoline looking for a box of matches. LOL


One word......"smokin'".....Jim Carey lol


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Working just buy yourself a small tazer - are they are legal in Canada? - and give yourself a zap every time you trigger. And when your hubby gets one, give him a little love zap and he just might say to you "Thanks honey. I needed that" 



> Pocket Taser Stun Gun- A Great Gift for the Wife?
> Guest Author - Victoria Abreo
> 
> This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
> ...


:lol:


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

working_together said:


> One word......"smokin'".....Jim Carey lol


 You could always get his and her shocker collars, and whenever you trigger, give each other a little zap. But at this stage of your R, you would probably fry each others neck off.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

morituri said:


> Working just buy yourself a small tazer - are they are legal in Canada? - and give yourself a zap every time you trigger. And when your hubby gets one, give him a little love zap and he just might say to you "Thanks honey. I needed that"
> 
> 
> 
> :lol:


Phew, I thought the cat was going to be involved in the zapping.

Yeah, I think tazers are illegal here....but mace isn't. lol


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Badblood said:


> You could always get his and her shocker collars, and whenever you trigger, give each other a little zap. But at this stage of your R, you would probably fry each others neck off.


No kidding. I sometimes take a drive over to the reserve close by (near OM's place, but still 15 min away) to buy him cigs., hubby triggers every time, texts me etc. Then I get home, he says the same thing:

Him: "I'm glad you're home"
Me: "If you don't want me going, why don't you go"
Him: "because I may take a detour, and you know where I'll end up"

Me: "Nah, you're just too lazy"
Him: "Try me"
Me: "ok, ok, I'll go"

it's all joking of course


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