# Frustrated!!!



## alltoohard (Jun 3, 2013)

I’m a fit, healthy 39yo male, been with my fiancé for about 7 yrs, we have a 5yo and 3yo. I have a great job with flexible hours and am paid pretty well. We have a nice house, kids in private school, fiancé doesn’t need to work and chooses not to. 

Since we’ve had kids, I’ve given up golf (used to play weekly) and triathlons. I help out around the house as much as I possibly can, from getting the kids breakfast and making lunches to doing more than my share of the housework. I do as much as I can to make my fiancé’s life as easy as possible so she’s not tired or stressed. I literally am on the go from 6am and don’t stop until about 9pm.

She complains of being exhausted all the time. I know that looking after two kids of 5 and 3 is tiring (she went to her grandmother’s funeral earlier in the year and I looked after the kids full time for a week so I can relate to how hard it is). This is why I try to help out as much as I can.

The issue is we’ve turned into flatmates. We’re no longer passionate, there’s no intimacy. At all! I want to make love to her twice a week and she’d be happy with twice a year. She actually said to me the other day that she could easily go a year without sex. I’ll admit that I was devastated.

To me sex is about being intimate and feeling as close as I can to my partner, it’s very rarely about getting my rocks off. 

We talk monthly about how I feel when she rejects me and how she feels rejecting me, we talk for ages about feelings, life pressures, making an effort etc but it never makes an ounce of difference. 

I’ve tried everything (well practically) to turn things around, romantic dinners, bubble baths (she won’t even entertain that idea because she knows where I want it to lead to), massages, games, lots of cuddles and kisses etc. Nothing seems to make a difference so why bother trying? I've done all the things above without the expectation of sex and in situations where it couldn't possible lead to sex so she doesn't feel that I just do it to get sex.

I’ve now given up trying to get anything started anymore as I just feel constantly rejected and lonely, it’s easier for me to just go to bed, masturbate and go to sleep. She comes to bed a few hours later then complains the next day that she’s tired! It frustrates the hell out of me that she complains that she’s too tired for sex, but then she will sit up and watch tv until midnight! I feel like putting a brick through the tv!

I know I’m not alone but I can only take this for so long before I end it all, how long do I go on and is there anything I can do to turn this around, the thought of being a part time parent kills me and I’m positive that if we didn’t have kids we would have already separated...


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

Ok, let's start with health stuff. 

Has she been to the doctor at all recently? Had all her bloodwork checked to make sure nothing is off kilter? Hormones, thyroid, etc.?

Is she on birth control meds?

How old is she?

Any weight issues or other health issues unmentioned? 

Did this start after the birth of the kids? How long has this been going on?

How about you? Any weight/health issues? 

Was the sex good in the beginning? Did she orgasm?

Does she have any hobbies/interests? Do you share any hobbies/interests together? 

Also, there is sometimes a fine line between doing your share to help around the house versus doing everything and enabling the other to fall into apathy/laziness.


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## CreekWalker (May 31, 2013)

alltoohard said:


> I’m a fit, healthy 39yo male, been with my fiancé for about 7 yrs, we have a 5yo and 3yo. I have a great job with flexible hours and am paid pretty well. We have a nice house, kids in private school, fiancé doesn’t need to work and chooses not to.
> 
> Since we’ve had kids, I’ve given up golf (used to play weekly) and triathlons. I help out around the house as much as I possibly can, from getting the kids breakfast and making lunches to doing more than my share of the housework. I do as much as I can to make my fiancé’s life as easy as possible so she’s not tired or stressed. I literally am on the go from 6am and don’t stop until about 9pm.
> 
> ...


Has she had her thyroid checked? (Get an antibody test along with the T3/T4. I was hypothyroid and I swear it felt like it was 2am all day long. I could sleep and sleep. Had headaches, my hands and feet were either freezing or burning hot. 

Also...extra magnesium and b12, and vitamins can help. Lack of mag and b12 can make you exhausted. I would start with these things and then if keep looking if they aren't the issues.


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## Strattec (Apr 27, 2013)

You're too much of a nice guy doing all the work and trying to please her. It's why she's lost her passion.


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## CreekWalker (May 31, 2013)

Strattec said:


> You're too much of a nice guy doing all the work and trying to please her. It's why she's lost her passion.


Are you kidding me? IF my husband had lifted a finger when my kids were young (not counting bowling or poker) I would have rocked his fricking world a lot more often. 

I think Ginger-snap is on the right path with her questions.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

At mid to late 30's I was busy with full time work, graduate school, yardwork, and raising two kids most of the time. To this day 15 years later 6 hours sleep is all I need. 

People take the path of least resistance...


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Maybe she really wants to be married.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

CreekWalker said:


> Are you kidding me? IF my husband had lifted a finger when my kids were young (not counting bowling or poker) I would have rocked his fricking world a lot more often.
> 
> I think Ginger-snap is on the right path with her questions.


Not all women think and behaves like you. In this forum alone you'll read about many poor guys who had done everything their wives tell them to do, and still ended up with no sex at all... the OP's story is not a singular, incidental anecdote.


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## housewife81 (Jun 4, 2013)

As I said in another post tonight, I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I have been married for several years and he has hardly ever just wanted to have sex. If makes me feel so bad about myself. I've tried talking to him about it many times. I'm tired of feeling bad about myself and feeling like I have to beg for affection. Sex with someone you love is the best. When they don't really want it...well, that's a terrible feeling. Especially when it's been like that for years. It's so bad now that I cannot quit thinking about sex. I hate thinking about sex all the time. He is one of the sweetest guys I've ever known, but I need to feel needed and wanted. My feelings for him are changing. It's not something I'm choosing, it's just a result of feeling so bad for so long. I'm 32. We haven't had sex in about four months.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

alltoohard said:


> I’m a fit, healthy 39yo male, been with my fiancé for about 7 yrs, we have a 5yo and 3yo. I have a great job with flexible hours and am paid pretty well. We have a nice house, kids in private school, fiancé doesn’t need to work and chooses not to.
> 
> Since we’ve had kids, I’ve given up golf (used to play weekly) and triathlons. I help out around the house as much as I possibly can, from getting the kids breakfast and making lunches to doing more than my share of the housework. I do as much as I can to make my fiancé’s life as easy as possible so she’s not tired or stressed. I literally am on the go from 6am and don’t stop until about 9pm.
> 
> ...



Sounds like you have your life together and everything is great.

You gave up your past time hobbies and do most of the chores and work? What does she do? Not much I see.

You have two beautiful kids. She is always tired.

That tells me her hormones may be off from having the kids and then there's raising them. That's a job in itself, stressful and draining at times.

I would have her go to the Dr and get her hormones checked among other things. Maybe meds are required and maybe not.

She has the time to have sex with you and she is choosing not to do so.

What you are going through I have for 13+ years with my wifee and we don't even have kids yet. I feel for you.

Generally, LD spouses don't change and take care of their spouses needs. It's what they want and that's the end of it. Not very loving and caring if you ask me. Yet you, HD male, are going through hoops to try and get her in the mood? But now have pretty much given up and are more friends and room mates? Just like me, welcome to the club.

LD spouses will only change if they want to, otherwise, nothing you can do beside relive yourself often, have a mistress or get a divorce.


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## alltoohard (Jun 3, 2013)

Hi thanks for your response. Yes I feel like I've given up allot. To be fair, she does take wonderful care of our kids and does allot around the house. She's heavily involved in our son's school also.

I agree that it may be a hormonal thing but she's not interested in getting checked out.
Agree that it feels like i'm jumping through burning hoops to make her happy in the hope that she will be more receptive to my advances. But honestly being rejected so often really impacts my self confidence and general attitude. It's also becoming so overwhelming that it's affecting my work.
Earlier this year I decided to take time for me. I feel it's important (essential) for my state of mind. So I entered a marathon and am spending the required ime doing the training. It feels good to have a purpose and goal to work towards.


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## alltoohard (Jun 3, 2013)

CreekWalker said:


> Has she had her thyroid checked? (Get an antibody test along with the T3/T4. I was hypothyroid and I swear it felt like it was 2am all day long. I could sleep and sleep. Had headaches, my hands and feet were either freezing or burning hot.
> 
> Also...extra magnesium and b12, and vitamins can help. Lack of mag and b12 can make you exhausted. I would start with these things and then if keep looking if they aren't the issues.


Thanks for your advice, I'll start a list of Q's for her to ask her GP next time she goes. I got her some multi vitamins last week so we'll see how that goes... if she can be bothered to take them!


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## alltoohard (Jun 3, 2013)

Strattec said:


> You're too much of a nice guy doing all the work and trying to please her. It's why she's lost her passion.


My New Years resolution was actually to be less of a nice guy this year and take more time for me. Thus I've entered a marathon that I'm currently training for and have organised a weekend away with some mates later in the year. I also accept allot more invites to work social functions instead of declining so as to not rock the apple cart.. Feels really good. I still feel that I want to contribute around the house and do my share so I do without doing more than my share...


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## alltoohard (Jun 3, 2013)

CreekWalker said:


> Are you kidding me? IF my husband had lifted a finger when my kids were young (not counting bowling or poker) I would have rocked his fricking world a lot more often.
> 
> I think Ginger-snap is on the right path with her questions.


Don't get me wrong I still do allot more than I imagine most guys do, but I don't do it all like I used to. I think she has it pretty good...


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## alltoohard (Jun 3, 2013)

ginger-snap said:


> Ok, let's start with health stuff.
> 
> Has she been to the doctor at all recently? Had all her bloodwork checked to make sure nothing is off kilter? Hormones, thyroid, etc.?
> 
> ...


Hi, thanks for taking an interest. 
No she hasn't been to the doc recently, but will be soon to get everything checked out. She is 35. Neither of us have weight problems, we've both lost a bit of weight since Christmas, not that we really needed to, but just because we wanted to trim down a bit. We actually did it together with diet and regular exercise and even though she lost a bit and feel better about herself, this has not translated into her being more amorous.
Yes she's on a low dose birth control. I have just today booked in to get a vasectomy so that she doesn't need to take them anymore. Hopefully this will also help?
When we have sex, it's always fantastic, she has multiple orgasms and can be quite vocal and is more than willing to let me know what she wants. Our sex life in the beginning was great, and very regular with her often initiating. 
No she doesn't really have any hobbies or interests and I'm often encouraging her to go out with her friends or mum. I'm trying to get her to agree to put our 3yo in child care and for her to go back to work. We don't need the money but I think she need some other purpose and friendships in her life other than the kids and I.


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## alltoohard (Jun 3, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> Maybe she really wants to be married.


We both want to get married. Both of us were married previously but when we get together we decided that we'd have kids first since the timing was right for us to have kids and we'd get married later. We also decided to wait until our kids were old enough to be looked after prior to getting married. Our youngest has separation issues and we don't want to spend our wedding day worried about the kids. (that sounds terrible but you get what I mean). We're planning a wedding for late next year but at this rate I'm constantly wondering "why bother"?
We had another discussion last week about our mismatched sex drives and her comments at the end was "this is never going to work". Two days later she brings up getting our **** together re the wedding??????


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## alltoohard (Jun 3, 2013)

housewife81 said:


> As I said in another post tonight, I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I have been married for several years and he has hardly ever just wanted to have sex. If makes me feel so bad about myself. I've tried talking to him about it many times. I'm tired of feeling bad about myself and feeling like I have to beg for affection. Sex with someone you love is the best. When they don't really want it...well, that's a terrible feeling. Especially when it's been like that for years. It's so bad now that I cannot quit thinking about sex. I hate thinking about sex all the time. He is one of the sweetest guys I've ever known, but I need to feel needed and wanted. My feelings for him are changing. It's not something I'm choosing, it's just a result of feeling so bad for so long. I'm 32. We haven't had sex in about four months.


This is me to a t! Constant rejection is quickly leading to resentment. To make it worse, it seems that everywhere I turn someone is talking about sex or there's sex on the tv or another sex study being released. It really does my head in. I find that I'm spending more and more time training for my marathon so that I'm too exhausted to even want sex. Then I start thinking about how pathetic that is and then I'm just depressed.


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## LVF (May 5, 2013)

> If makes me feel so bad about myself. I've tried talking to him about it many times. I'm tired of feeling bad about myself and feeling like I have to beg for affection. Sex with someone you love is the best. When they don't really want it...well, that's a terrible feeling. Especially when it's been like that for years. It's so bad now that I cannot quit thinking about sex. I hate thinking about sex all the time. He is one of the sweetest guys I've ever known, but I need to feel needed and wanted. My feelings for him are changing. It's not something I'm choosing, it's just a result of feeling so bad for so long. I'm 32. We haven't had sex in about four months.


Wow! that's sounds exactly what I'm going through. I never thought there would be so many situations like this before I found the forum. Not that it makes me feel better but at least we know we are not demanding freaks


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

alltoohard...Please don't get married UNLESS you figure this out in a way that is satisfactory to you in the LONG RUN.

You actually have some leverage right now, since she is bringing up the wedding.

I'm sure she will balk if you just come out with "not marrying you until we fix our sex life" but go ahead and let her balk. Explain to her that you don't want a second divorce and you will not put yourself in that position.


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