# Getting past the cheating



## Bill42 (Sep 15, 2011)

Hi, I'm new here. I'm 42, I've been married for 6 years. This past summer I had a suspicion that my wife was cheating on me. After doing a bit of investigative work I still had not been able to confirm for sure, but I confronted her anyway. I came right out and asked her if she was cheating. To my surprise she broke down and admitted she had been unfaithful. She said it was the only time she had been unfaithful , that she saw (had sex with) this guy on 4 different occasions and that she had put a stop to it a few weeks prior to my questioning her about it.

She said the guilt was tearing her apart and she was glad to finally get it out in the open.

Since then she has stayed close to home, she hasn't gone out anywhere unless I am with her. She seems at times to be sorry that she has betrayed me.

At this point my issue is, I just can't get her cheating out of my mind. Things will be fine and I'll see something on TV about infidelity and it brings it right back. Or I'll be at work and all of the sudden I'll start thinking about it again. She wants us to stay together and work through this, but I just don't know if I am going to be able to get past this. Sometimes I just look at her and think " what a cheating *****, how could she stab me in the back like this".

I'm trying to hang in there but I just don't know how to make myself forget about her cheating, and let go of the bad feelings I get toward her when I think about her cheating. 

Any suggestions on how to get past this would be helpful. Or should I just forget about getting past it and just end this marriage and move on with my life?

Thanks


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

How long ago did you find out?

And for what it's worth, you WILL get past it eventually - one way or another.


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## Bill42 (Sep 15, 2011)

Back in mid July.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

First do not rug sweep, deal with it, your feelings, and why she did it. Otherwise it will happen again, even if she says it won't.

So why did she cheat? How did she find herself close enough to another man to do it?

What consequences is she facing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

welcome, please click the newbie link in my signature

as to your question, address it right and you have a much better chance of having a good R

know a few things-

1) it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, obviously the first 1/2 half is the hardest
2) you need to set some conditions of your R in order to heal- you should include a NC letter, total transparency (allow you to look at her emails, passwords and phone) and you require 100% remorse from your spouse, the cheating is 100% her fault and while there are marital issues that need addressing she has to own up he affair first and foremost
3) you should expose the affair to the OM's wife, she deserves to know and by exposing it makes it harder for your wife to restart the affair


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Bill42 said:


> She seems *at times* to be sorry that she has betrayed me.


What is she doing towards repairing your marriage? Is she giving you transparency into all of her communications? Has she taken full ownership and accountability of what she did? Is she genuinely remorseful? The above makes me wonder? It's up to her to put forth the effort to restore your confidence in her and the marriage. It's up to her to reassure you when you trigger.

Not to be negative Ned, but the number of cheaters here who get confronted and confess after having "just ended it" is astonishing!! Meaning that more often than not the affair is actually still going on and the wayward spouse confessed as little as possible and told the betrayed spouse "it's over" while they are really figuring out how to alert their affair partner and keep it going. Is your wife proving to you that she's maintaining no contact with the OM?


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

First thing: Have you both discussed the what's and whys of the affair? Do you know how it started?

Have you BOTH talked about how you want to move on from this?

Can you confirm No Contact between her and OM?

You will not FORGET about the cheating, but how it affects you will change over time. Getting hit by triggers is perfectly normal btw, so don't beat yourself up too much on that front.

I'm 7 months past d-day and may still yet file for D - depends on how things go over the next few weeks. I have come to some level of peace with the situation - yes, I sometimes look at her and think cheating **** too, but I'm at peace with my options and any direction I may choose.

You will move forwards mate, be assured of that.


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## Bill42 (Sep 15, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> First do not rug sweep, deal with it, your feelings, and why she did it. Otherwise it will happen again, even if she says it won't.
> 
> *So why did she cheat? How did she find herself close enough to another man to do it?*
> 
> ...


Her reasoning was that I was not paying enough attention to her so she went to a local bar with her girlfriend and found a guy that would pay attention. 

I admit I am at fault in part in our marriage not being perfect, however if I felt I was not getting the attention needed I would speak up instead of cheating. I think that is a big part of what is bothering me so much, that instead of coming to me and talking about her concerns, she made the decision to cheat.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

That old chestnut.
Be prepared to make her face consequences.
Yes, you own 50% of the marital issue, but 0% ZERO PERCENT of the affair.
You are right to be concerned. Is she still trying to pin you as the cause, or is she taking accountablity for the affair?


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## Bill42 (Sep 15, 2011)

Wow, I'm getting some great info here. I really don't think she will give up her personal info such as facebook or e-mail passwords. And if she does she will delete everything before giving them up. She did let me look at her cell phone but everything was wiped clean and she has a work cell as well and that is off limits. Actually when I was suspicious of her cheating she suddenly had the ringer on her work cell turned off, So I know that is how they were contacting each other. I honestly do not think anything is still going on. The only time she would be able to do anything would be during her work day and that is highly unlikely.

Also the guy she cheated with is not married.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Verify.
Verify.
Verify.
You cannot be sure, and you KNOW she can lie to your face.
If she can't be transparent, she can be deceiving you as you speak.
Do not underestimate the power of the FOG.
Please, please be prepared to demand transparency or make her face the consequences. If she starts hitting out about privicy - RED FLAG- privicy is not secrecy, which a refusal of transparency is endorsing.


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## Bill42 (Sep 15, 2011)

Numb-badger said:


> That old chestnut.
> Be prepared to make her face consequences.
> Yes, you own 50% of the marital issue, but 0% ZERO PERCENT of the affair.
> You are right to be concerned. Is she still trying to pin you as the cause, or is she taking accountablity for the affair?


The exact line was, I was not paying enough attention to her so it made her feel like less of a woman, like she was not desirable. So she went out and cheating to prove to herself she was. (vomit)

I know, just typing that out makes me want to punch her square in the mouth. Please know I would NEVER hit a woman. That's just how that reasoning makes me feel. Such BS.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

How do you know the OM is not married?

Do you know who he is ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Bill42 said:


> Please know I would NEVER hit a woman. That's just how that reasoning makes me feel. Such BS.


We DO understand.
I once told my wife I wanted to ninja kick her out of the window, but my morals told me that was wrong.
And I'm not a ninja.

Please, though, be prepared to make her face consequences. Get as much info as poss and prepare yourself. The lack of transparency is a concern.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> 1) it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, obviously the first 1/2 half is the hardest
> 2) you need to set some conditions of your R in order to heal- you should include a NC letter, total transparency (allow you to look at her emails, passwords and phone) and you require 100% remorse from your spouse, the cheating is 100% her fault and while there are marital issues that need addressing she has to own up he affair first and foremost
> 3) you should expose the affair to the OM's wife, she deserves to know and by exposing it makes it harder for your wife to restart the affair


Agree, she hand writes the letter to the OM, if she declines any of these you know the affair is still on and/or your wife is unremorseful
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bill42 (Sep 15, 2011)

So now even though 4 months have gone by I should now ask her for access to her facebook and phones? I'm sure her response will be something like, "Why do you need to see them now?" Because she has assured me there has been nothing going on since late June.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Her response should be, 'Sure, here you go.'
Anything else, I feel, is red flag territory.


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## Bill42 (Sep 15, 2011)

Ok, thanks a lot everyone for the info.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Bill42 said:


> So now even though 4 months have gone by I should now ask her for access to her facebook and phones? I'm sure her response will be something like, "Why do you need to see them now?" Because she has assured me there has been nothing going on since late June.


In a marriage there are no secrets , privacy is for the bathroom secrecy is deceit . For the marriage to recover she has to give you full transparency of everything and should have no issue if you check on her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I would still go ahead and file for divorce because during the time you file and the time it becomes finalized, she will have the opportunity to move Heaven and Earth to get you to withdraw your divorce petition. If she doesn't, then you will know right away that all her talk about marital recovery is nothing but lip service and you will have not wasted time on a false recovery. Hardball? You're damn right but it is the only way to deal with a cheater.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be so accepting as you have been? She claims to have screwed this guy 4 times (Most cheaters never tell the full truth) putting your health at risk for STD's. It is absolutely essential that the both of you be checked for STD's. These are the consequences to affairs.

By the way where did she screw this guy 4 separate times? Did she ever bring him to your home?


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

Bill42 said:


> So now even though 4 months have gone by I should now ask her for access to her facebook and phones? I'm sure her response will be something like, "Why do you need to see them now?" Because she has assured me there has been nothing going on since late June.


You should recognize that there is a problem with this scenario.

She had sex with another man, yet you are walking on eggshells wondering about what reaction she will have when you ask her for access to some of her personal communication tools.

What you are asking for, under the circumstances, is NOT unreasonable!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Sorry to say that it doesn't look good, sounds like another false R story
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Not to scare you, but here's a worst case scenario

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/31959-false-recovery.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Bill42 said:


> So now even though 4 months have gone by I should now ask her for access to her facebook and phones? I'm sure her response will be something like, "Why do you need to see them now?" Because she has assured me there has been nothing going on since late June.


Honestly, she doesn't seem to have been willing to do much at all considering what she did rightfully should end her marriage in divorce.

See when she cheated she broke the marriage contract and your trust in her. It's ended, the marrage she was in ended as well.

Now it is up to her to do what is needed to get you to accept her back to build a new and different marriage.

First thing: she no longer has a right to be trusted. At ths point she has to re-earn your trust. Don't lie to her, don't sugar coat it,. You do not trust her, because she has shown through her actions and adult choices that she can and will break her promises to you. Trust means you can't believe she is not lying and she won't break her promises. She did both. 

Second: you, the betrayed spouse have the right to check up on her and to question things that do not feel right to you.

Third: you,the betrayed spouse will bring up the affair, and ask any question you like at any time. You are not accepting limitations or restrictions. You are not negotiating to get the truth, you are demanding and accepting nothing less than the truth.


Now, I wouldn't believe her for a minute on anything she tells you about the OM. Find out fir yourself who he is, and if he is married or has a gf. Then contact the wife or gf.

Her answer of why,is a bull**** fluff non answer. Why did she think it was ok when she did it? Why does she think you shouldn't divorce her now?

Also, other than saying she feels guilty, what changes has she made? What consequences has she faced?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deb9017 (Nov 8, 2010)

You are NOT at fault in any way for her betrayal. No marriage is perfect, but there is no problem that justifies an affair. I am just over one year out from finding out that my husband of 11 years had an affair. It does get easier. But you will never forget, and there will always be things that remind you of it. I still struggle with the triggers (songs, tv shows, cheating policitians in the news, etc.). But time does ease the hurt. I still have a long ways to go, but I am well on the way to healing.

It is important that she is truly committed to working on the relationship, that you have healthy boundaries in place, and I believe counseling helps a lot.

Good luck. Hang in there, it WILL get easier. I know that you hear that a lot, and as a newbie I used to get tired of hearing it, but it is the truth.


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## Bill42 (Sep 15, 2011)

The only consequences has she faced are, I have asked her not go over the the girlfriends house that she originally went bar hopping with and so far she hasn't. The only other thing is whenever she goes any place by herself, like shopping for groceries , she checks in with me every 30 minutes by calling me. Other than that, nothing.


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## Bill42 (Sep 15, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Not to scare you, but here's a worst case scenario
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/31959-false-recovery.html
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Man, that false recovery is bad news. If I find out that type of crap is going on I'm just going to walk away. life is way to short to spend it with a piece of **** like that.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Install a keylogger on the home computer, hide VARs (voice activated recorders) inside the home and in her car; install a GPS in her car and telephone. The point is that you need to verify her whereabouts and what - and with who - she is communicating when you are not around. If she is truly being honest that she wants to help rebuild your trust, she will behave accordingly. If she is not, then you will have all the evidence needed to confront her and walk away from her and the marriage.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Bill,

Drop a keylogger on the pc.

What kind of phones does she have? Google them and see about getting into them and deleted texts.

Put a gps tracker on her phone.

Demand that she stops going out with and back to the places and people that let her cheat.

Btw, I don't believe her story about it ending. She was able to have sex a lot of times before she stopped. That's not the action of someone who stopped due to guilt. A one time and then stopped is how a guilty person woud react,

I suspect it didn't end, instead she came clean with sonething to make you think it was done, but it is still going on,

Her refusal to gve you open access, and her protecting the OM means her affair is still her safe secret.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bill42 (Sep 15, 2011)

morituri said:


> Install a keylogger on the home computer, hide VARs (voice activated recorders) inside the home and in her car; install a GPS in her car and telephone. The point is that you need to verify her whereabouts and what - and with who - she is communicating when you are not around. If she is truly being honest that she wants to help rebuild your trust, she will behave accordingly. If she is not, then you will have all the evidence needed to confront her and walk away from her and the marriage.


We each have our own laptops. The keylogger thing interests me, however I wouldn't know where to begin to install something like that on her laptop without her knowing. She has a degree in computer science and is quite PC literate, I on the other hand am a PC moron. If I touched her PC she would most likely know.

The other things you mentioned I just won't do , recorders, GPS, I'll just leave if I ever feel that stuff is necessary.


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## Bill42 (Sep 15, 2011)

Well, I've certainly got some things to think about. It's kind of ironic. I've been lurking here since September and I finally decide to post to try and get answers on how to get past this, and now you guys have me thinking this may still be going on. Ha!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well Bill based on that you have 2 options, and it's going to sound scary but it's come to this or you will forever be stuck in limbo and eventually your marriage will deteriorate to a shell or one of you will end it.


It really depends on what you want - true R or D

if it's D, consult a lawyer and know your options, search for the 180 rules on here and implement them


if it's R then you have a serious talk ahead of you and you need to read this very thoroughly and practice it in your head (it never goes as planned so prepare for all the things she will throw at you) Also know that R may not be in the cards anyways, if she won't agree to your demands then know that the marriage is over anyways.

Sit her down with no distraction and calmly (no begging, no emotions) state that you need to talk about the affair and that you need the following from her or else you will help her pack her things and you are filing for divorce.

1) She must tell you the entire truth of the affair starting right now. If she doesn't and you find down the line that something wasn't true or she has omitted something then it is over. (you may even wish to let her know you will schedule a polygraph at a time she will not know about. this is optional) You need to have all information about the OM, where they met, how they met, everything that you need to know. Also let her know that in the future you will ask the same questions for further verification.

2)You need her to write a no contact letter to the OM stating that her marriage is more important to her and that she wants no further contact from him. If she gets contacted by him then she must ignore it and inform you right away.

3) She must be completely transparent- her privacy is now null and void. All passwords are to given up NOW, not later after she can go and delete things, if you wish to look at her phone then she hands it over with a smile and without a stink. She must continue with her checking with her whereabouts as you need it.
3a) without telling her- get a VAR and put it in her car, install akeylogger on her computer and get a GPS on her phone or car. Also, you may be able to retrieve deleted texts depending on the phone so let us know what phone she has.

4) She has to start doing the heavy lifting now and show true remorse. If you have to talk about the affair and require reassurance or affection then she has to do that for you. If MC is what you want then she has to do that. She has to own 100% of the affair, she cannot justify her affair with prior marital problems, yes you will work on marital problems but the affair was all her.


also-

get a std test
consider IC or seeing the doctor if you have severe anxiety or depression
look into OM and find out if he really is single
don't fear exposure to family if you need to do it


It's time Bill, in fact this conversation is way overdue

time to put her to the test and see if this marriage is worth saving


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Then try the VAR in her car. It'll catch her talking on the phone to him, or tellong her friend about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I sure hope it isn't false R.

I never did a keylogger, VAR or anything either, but my hubby has been totally transparent since day 1. Well, since I started talking to him again after D day anyway.

And huge :iagree: to Almostrecovered


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Bill42 said:


> Wow, *I'm getting some great info here. I really don't think she will give up her personal info such as facebook or e-mail passwords.* And if she does she will delete everything before giving them up. She did let me look at her cell phone but everything was wiped clean and she has a work cell as well and that is off limits. Actually when I was suspicious of her cheating she suddenly had the ringer on her work cell turned off, So I know that is how they were contacting each other. I honestly do not think anything is still going on. The only time she would be able to do anything would be during her work day and that is highly unlikely.
> 
> Also the guy she cheated with is not married.


To be blunt she was willing to give herself to an OM. So she gave that up to a stranger. In fact she went looking for to do it. So how is having transaprency a big deal to her? Is giving up her password more sacred than allowing another man to have sex with her?

A WS unwilling to go full NC, change their behavior and not provide full transparency is no one interested is salvaging a marriaged they have defiled. Just my opinion.

It sounds like that she had not indeed stopped the affair prior to you confronting her if she was still hiding it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Bill42 said:


> So now even though 4 months have gone by I should now ask her for access to her facebook and phones? I'm sure her response will be something like, "Why do you need to see them now?" Because she has assured me there has been nothing going on since late June.


The transparency is forever. Transparency is appropriate in marriages that have never had infidelity. It is a policy so you can help your partner avoid making any future mistakes. It is also a step forward for her to rebuild trust. Trust was shatterred. Blind trust is foolish anyway. Love and respect trump trust every time.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Bill42 said:


> We each have our own laptops. The keylogger thing interests me, however I wouldn't know where to begin to install something like that on her laptop without her knowing. She has a degree in computer science and is quite PC literate, I on the other hand am a PC moron. If I touched her PC she would most likely know.
> 
> The other things you mentioned I just won't do , recorders, GPS, I'll just leave if I ever feel that stuff is necessary.


I would probably feel the same way, then again you are helping her regain your trust by doing this.


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## Bill42 (Sep 15, 2011)

What is a VAR?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Voice Activated Recorder


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Bill, just to give you a successfully reconciling cheaters perspective. I'm 16 months post D Day and if my wife asked for anything of mine - anything - I wouldn't blink and eye and hand it over to her - AND I'd be glad to do so because I know when she looked at it and found nothing she'd feel better. 

Just sayin....


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Bill42 said:


> The exact line was, I was not paying enough attention to her so it made her feel like less of a woman, like she was not desirable. So she went out and cheating to prove to herself she was. (vomit)


All she proved is she is a Wxxxx.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Do you have complete access to her computer?(Key loggers usualy don't reveal themselves). But if you a PC newbie you have to be very well prepared. Try installing once on your computer and see if it works. People here can help you with the install instructions


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

My first advice after cheating is divorce...

Why? 

Because I think that after the trust is broken we all know that we can't gain it back so easily...so I think that because of WS mistakes it's not worth to spend money on MC or IC or to live a miserable life and playing detective with her and wondering is she hiding something in next 2 - 5 years for things that you know that you will never forget,because cheating/infidelity is something that you can never forget,you just dont think about it sometimes an thats all...

There are a lot of beautiful woman in the world and just find yourself one that will respect and love you because your wife doesn't love you...When you love someone you don't humiliate him or make a fool of him and disrespect him and thats what your wife has done to you...

P.S. Life is beautiful and its just not worth wasting it to live in misery for 5 or more years for something that never was your fault...Good Luck and Enjoy Life


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Bill42 said:


> What is a VAR?


You said you've been lurking here since September. As much as VARs are talked about here, that's unusual.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

RWB said:


> Bill,
> 
> The VAR in the car is a must. The car on a secured Cell is the the most common of all ways Cheaters communicate. If they can't be face to face, the actual voice to voice contact is the next "best" thing. My wife serial cheated for years. She used her car as her "safe" place to continue the affair between secret meetings.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

VAR would have busted me faster than anything else...

Again - just sayin....


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## Bill42 (Sep 15, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> You said you've been lurking here since September. As much as VARs are talked about here, that's unusual.


Not really, I have no idea what most of the abbreviations used here mean. There should be a glossary thread somewhere explaining them all, or is there?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Bill42 said:


> Not really, I have no idea what most of the abbreviations used here mean.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-2.html


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

so, what have you done Bill? I hope you are taking action?


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## Bill42 (Sep 15, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> so, what have you done Bill? I hope you are taking action?


I told her I need access to everything, I've looked at her phone - just the normal text messages to friends and me there. Facebook - again nothing going on there - just contact with people we both know and hang out with. E-mail - Nothing going on here either.

There's nothing going on at this time. There is just no way, she hasn't gone anywhere without me since the cheating, the only time she is away from me is when she's at work and I know for a fact she hasn't been leaving work, I've got a person at her work keeping an eye on tings for me.

So for now I'll keep monitoring things randomly. I believe she had her fling and it's over.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Ok good, now what about her desire to rug sweep? Is she willing to start talking about it and help you heal?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Has this been done:-
"
2) you need to set some conditions of your R in order to heal- you should include a NC letter, total transparency (allow you to look at her emails, passwords and phone) and you require 100% remorse from your spouse, the cheating is 100% her fault and while there are marital issues that need addressing she has to own up he affair first and foremost
3) you should expose the affair to the OM's wife, she deserves to know and by exposing it makes it harder for your wife to restart the affair"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I see a desire to rug sweep by Bill42 as well. He's just monitoring randomly, believe's it was just a fling, and it's over.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Bill42 said:


> I told her I need access to everything, I've looked at her phone - just the normal text messages to friends and me there. Facebook - again nothing going on there - just contact with people we both know and hang out with. E-mail - Nothing going on here either.


Sure, after she sanitized the phone and the accounts.  Now she knows not to use those means to communicate with OM. It will go underground now. You do know that the most common affair tools are the secret cell phone and the secret email/SNS accounts, right?



Bill42 said:


> There's nothing going on at this time. There is just no way, she hasn't gone anywhere without me since the cheating, the only time she is away from me is when she's at work and I know for a fact she hasn't been leaving work, I've got a person at her work keeping an eye on tings for me.


She may just be waiting for this to blow over. One or the other will fish.



Bill42 said:


> So for now I'll keep monitoring things randomly. I believe she had her fling and it's over.


Randomly? No keylogger? No VAR? So a fling is no big deal to you?


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## Bill42 (Sep 15, 2011)

My wife and I had a good talk this past weekend. She told me the whole story, how it happened, why it happened, and she gave me the guys name, phone number and address. So I feel very confident that she is telling the truth and the cheating stopped last June as she said it did.

I've looked at the back logs online for her cell phone and there are no calls to or from his number. Also today she is bring home a print out from her work cell, that is the phone she said she used to communicate with him. I did notice during a 4 week period back in May/June that she started keeping her work phone on silent mode, she never did that before, and hasn't done it since. She says it will show that the last calls to him were in June.

Like I said before even If I still had doubts I'm not going to install a keylogger, or put a VAR or GPS in her car. I'm not going to live my life like a paranoid half assed private eye. I would just end the marriage and walk away before taking those measures.

If she's Bull****ting me, I will find out and I'll be gone in a heartbeat.

My reason for coming here was to get some advice on how to move past this, and how to deal with the different things that trigger the fact that she cheated. A few of you have addressed that question and thanks for that.

I realize now that this is something that is not going to go away anytime soon. Even today at work I started thinking about the whole situation and I started thinking about just moving out of here a filing for divorce. Time will tell if we end up staying together I guess.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I felt the same way about spying Bill but I've since realized it is a necessary thing to do for 2 reasons


1- it helps uncover any false R or affair that hasn't stopped

2- it helps the betrayed heal faster, if the WW isn't continuing the affair then your verification thru spying will help you start to rebuild trust as you can see that nothing is going on and it's all just boring everyday stuff. Why? Because without it you will have this little bug in the back of your head that will make you constantly wonder and question every little thing
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Bill42 said:


> Like I said before even If I still had doubts I'm not going to install a keylogger, or put a VAR or GPS in her car. I'm not going to live my life like a paranoid half assed private eye.


So do you feel that those of us betrayed who do this are paranoid, half assed private eyes?


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## Bill42 (Sep 15, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> So do you feel that those of us betrayed who do this are paranoid, half assed private eyes?


No, every situation is different.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> 2- it helps the betrayed heal faster, if the WW isn't continuing the affair then your verification thru spying will help you start to rebuild trust as you can see that nothing is going on and it's all just boring everyday stuff. Why? Because without it you will have this little bug in the back of your head that will make you constantly wonder and question every little thing



Bill I will reiterate this

trust me- in a few days, weeks or months you will hit a wall of paranoia

you will be torn between wanting to trust her and just not having the ability to actually do it and it will create terrible angst

Do NOT be afraid to verify for a period of time- it helps rebuild trust- the sooner you get bored with her daily activities the better you will feel about your ability to trust her


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Hey Bill - check out this thread from another member. There's a reason you're being counseled to inspect what you expect. Cause this stuff does happen.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/35953-found-hs-secret-email-keylogger.html


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You say every situation is different. Wrong. The fact is this guys **** entering your wife, is like every other cheating skank, or cheating husband. There is no difference. The reason why you say its different, is to protect your self respect. Sorry there is no difference. 

Can someone help with the list of the mindless crap cheater say. I think bill needs to know that there are no differences in the situation, only the reaction.


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