# Attempting to delete offensive thread



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Absolutely not. He clearly loves you even if you don't much love yourself. Yes do initiate, your sex life is good, you enjoy each other and you have a good marriage. He would I am sure love you initiating. Go for it!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I can absolutely without a doubt say that this is a road block that exist only in your mind. By not initiating you are more likely to have him build up silent resentment. I can assure you that he would love nothing more than for you to sexually approach him.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Is he as attractive as when you met? Do you consider _him_ rude and selfish when he initiates every time? 

You don't have to initiate the actual act.....initiate the idea....wear something he likes. Model some lingerie for him.

Also, do you exercise? Plateauing on a diet can be rectified by burning off extra calories if your intake is constant.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

What does he look like/build?

If he's not a gym rat/Adonis, then it's probably not bothering him...But 35 lbs, may be more? (many people understate this) is a fair amount of extra weight for a typical woman...Forget about vanity and appearance for a moment, and if nothing else, for your own health and well being, I would try to knock the weight off and get to a more healthy BMI...

Most people, if they are disciplined during the week, can have cheat meals on weekend without falling back...OK to cheat a bit, just don't go wild...Diet gurus even advise people to do just that...Also, if there is anything you can understand about any diet plan is not to consider someone else and what they are doing....He wont be crushed if you don't join him in the pizza party...If he did, he would be very insensitive and I don't get that feeling...Truth is he should try not to cheat in front of you...If I was him, id sneak out and have whatever I craved on my own and just not say anything, so I didn't make you feel bad..

As for the sex, it's obviously not a hang up for him...Lose the weight for your own health....Don't worry about the other stuff...


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 16 years. Our marriage is really good. We have a son, 12. My question is about me initiating sex.
> We have sex a couple of times a week most weeks. He initiates. Unless it’s that time of the month, I never say no. I don’t want to say no; I love him, the sex is great and I like feeling close to him that way. It’s silly, but after particularly strong orgasms we high five for “team us.” It’s charming and sweet to me.
> Over the years I have gained about 35 lbs. I’m on WW and my husband is very supportive. The thing is, on the weekends he cheats on his diet and seems a little sad when I don’t join. I’m weak about it, and it’s hampering my weight loss. I’m maintaining, not losing. I’m also turning 50 this year.


First off with this part, don't worry as much about your weight. Concentrate more on your health and exercise. In fact you might put on more weight if you start replacing fat with muscle mass. There are plenty of studies out there that shows there are people who are called obese and fat that are healthier than some that are looked at as in shape. Let me stress that those studies only show that you can't always tell healthiness by looks, and is by no means a rule of thumb.



> So you can see my dilemma. I’m old and fat and clearly not attractive. I’m afraid if I try initiating sex it will put him in a bad spot. He won’t want to reject me because he knows it would hurt my feelings. I don’t want to become a chore by forcing him. I keep hearing men like when women initiate; I guess my question is, what if you’re not young and thin? What if you’re old and pudgy and not as attractive as when you met? Would I be being rude and selfish to initiate sex?


You would not be, unless at sometime prior he has mentioned that he doesn't like it when you initiate. Even then you're not. Also keep in mind that attractive is a subjective value and usually by the time the body starts its breakdowns spouses are more attracted to the person than their bodies. I'll be honest. I would love for my wives to have a little tuck to lose the flab (so would they), but their overall size and weight have never stopped them from being attractive to me. Even the folds don't stop them from being attractive to me. Both have been through menopause. In one it upped her sex drive, the other diminished. I very much love and want to bed both of them.

SO go for it and see what happens. Have a talk later and ask if he felt forced, or if he liked that you started things. I know I am glad when one of my wives starts things.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 16 years. Our marriage is really good. We have a son, 12. My question is about me initiating sex.
> We have sex a couple of times a week most weeks. He initiates. Unless it’s that time of the month, I never say no. I don’t want to say no; I love him, the sex is great and I like feeling close to him that way. It’s silly, but after particularly strong orgasms we high five for “team us.” It’s charming and sweet to me.
> Over the years I have gained about 35 lbs. I’m on WW and my husband is very supportive. The thing is, on the weekends he cheats on his diet and seems a little sad when I don’t join. I’m weak about it, and it’s hampering my weight loss. I’m maintaining, not losing. I’m also turning 50 this year.
> So you can see my dilemma. I’m old and fat and clearly not attractive. I’m afraid if I try initiating sex it will put him in a bad spot. He won’t want to reject me because he knows it would hurt my feelings. I don’t want to become a chore by forcing him. I keep hearing men like when women initiate; I guess my question is, what if you’re not young and thin? What if you’re old and pudgy and not as attractive as when you met? Would I be being rude and selfish to initiate sex?


Trust me if you husband is having sex with you then he'll welcome an older pudgy wife initiating. 

signed,
older pudgy wife who has sex 5-10 times a week. 

Just remember if he does turn you down it isn't usually about you. Take it in stride just like you would want him to do if you did turn him down.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Man, your thinking is way off. Even when our wives have put on some weight, she is still the hottie that we desire. Yes that’s right, the body that you’re all in despair about, gets your husband sexually excited, even after having you countless times. I’m not saying this to tell you to not make an effort on your health but to not allow that internal mental negativity to stop you from having an even hotter sex life.

You have no idea how you initiating sex with your husband will boost his self confidence and fondness for you. He’s not going to think, “oh great! Now I have to have sex with her again.” No, he’s going to be thinking “I still got it!”


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 16 years. Our marriage is really good. We have a son, 12. My question is about me initiating sex.
> We have sex a couple of times a week most weeks. He initiates. Unless it’s that time of the month, I never say no. I don’t want to say no; I love him, the sex is great and I like feeling close to him that way. It’s silly, but after particularly strong orgasms we high five for “team us.” It’s charming and sweet to me.
> Over the years I have gained about 35 lbs. I’m on WW and my husband is very supportive. The thing is, on the weekends he cheats on his diet and seems a little sad when I don’t join. I’m weak about it, and it’s hampering my weight loss. I’m maintaining, not losing. I’m also turning 50 this year.
> So you can see my dilemma. I’m old and fat and clearly not attractive. I’m afraid if I try initiating sex it will put him in a bad spot. He won’t want to reject me because he knows it would hurt my feelings. I don’t want to become a chore by forcing him. I keep hearing men like when women initiate; I guess my question is, what if you’re not young and thin? What if you’re old and pudgy and not as attractive as when you met? Would I be being rude and selfish to initiate sex?


No. Wife initiating sex is always hot in my book.



TexasMom1216 said:


> The thing is, on the weekends he cheats on his diet and seems a little sad when I don’t join. I’m weak about it, and it’s hampering my weight loss. I’m maintaining, not losing.


What I recommend here is to use a TDEE calculator (total daily energy expenditure) and run both of you through it. Your husband can likely eat 1000 or more calories a day than you can and stay at the same weight. So he needs to understand that.

What we do is we buy really good chocolates, pick your favorites. Then if she wants to eat dessert or whatever I will have one chocolate with her, which they’re generally around 120 calories. That way I joined in without doing too much damage. 20 minutes on a cardio machine will wipe it right out if you don’t want it on your ledger.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

My wife went on WW a couple of years ago and I went along in order to support her. We are both mid 60s. She was unhappy with her weight but I was still thrilled when she initiated. To me, she will always be beautiful. She lost over 20 lbs and I lost over 30. It took several months but it was worth it.

One thing that slowed us down is that we both like bourbon and wine and on weekends, we would both have a few drinks. You can budget the points or this on WW so it's not cheating. Something that really helped us is that along with the diet, we were in the gym at least 3 days each week. You get extra points for working out and we would use those to eat and drink on weekends. Yeah, it slowed down the weight loss, but we were able to stay on it because we were still able to do the things we like to do. Two years later, we are both within 5 lbs of our weight when we quit the program.

Stay at it and keep initiating.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I would never model lingerie, that would be so awful. I’m not attractive enough to do that, it would just be sad if I tried to do that. 🥺😔


If your husband buys it for you he wants you to wear it for him. If he doesn’t, then I wouldn’t go out of my way. If he’s into it I’m sure he will have mentioned it before.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, you do not have to answer this. Um. How do I do that?


Are you asking how to actually initiate sex? As in you have never started the process yourself?



> I would never model lingerie, that would be so awful. I’m not attractive enough to do that, it would just be sad if I tried to do that. 🥺😔


Your poor self image is not his image of you. The key is to find lingerie that is suited to you and your body. Even a thin woman will look hideous in the wrong lingerie. Don't try for skimpy. Look for revealing, translucent, or accentuating. Or go topless. I find that my wife's look sexier topless with jeans or a skirt, than they do naked.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i cheat on my diet, and my wife does not.
sometimes i take it personally, like when i cooked a fancy meal and she is avoiding some of it! but it is her decision, i just eat her portion!


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

The best "sessions" I have ever had was when W initiated. It's a lot easier to be enthusiastic about this when the other person is all in. 

You're active once or twice a week as it is. 
There's zero chance you get rejected unless he "has an issue".
He's not getting any younger. If he's not receptive, it's because he doesn't have confidence in performing. You'll figure out how to balance that. 

Guaranteed he likes it most of the time.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 16 years. Our marriage is really good. We have a son, 12. My question is about me initiating sex.
> We have sex a couple of times a week most weeks. He initiates. Unless it’s that time of the month, I never say no. I don’t want to say no; I love him, the sex is great and I like feeling close to him that way. It’s silly, but after particularly strong orgasms we high five for “team us.” It’s charming and sweet to me.
> Over the years I have gained about 35 lbs. I’m on WW and my husband is very supportive. The thing is, on the weekends he cheats on his diet and seems a little sad when I don’t join. I’m weak about it, and it’s hampering my weight loss. I’m maintaining, not losing. I’m also turning 50 this year.
> So you can see my dilemma. I’m old and fat and clearly not attractive. I’m afraid if I try initiating sex it will put him in a bad spot. He won’t want to reject me because he knows it would hurt my feelings. I don’t want to become a chore by forcing him. I keep hearing men like when women initiate; I guess my question is, what if you’re not young and thin? What if you’re old and pudgy and not as attractive as when you met? Would I be being rude and selfish to initiate sex?


Unless your husband has indicated that he's noticed the weight, he isn't noticing the weight. It might be settling in the right places and he likes that.
If your husband is initiating, without resentment, I am betting that he would love for you to initiate and make the night special. 
If he is initiating often, he's not going to reject you. He will think it's a treat.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

This is classic transference. 

Lack of initiating whether you have responsive desire or not comes off as disinterest. And that’s just not a sex thing.

I think millions of people (mainly men) would GLADLY exchange 30 lbs on their spouse for strong sexual appetite, confidence and treating their sex life like an addictive hobby. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

For the weekend cheating, have you talked to your husband about it? Maybe he can choose to eat those treats when you are not around. Or maybe he isn't actually sad that you aren't eating them, maybe he feels bad that he is doing it in front of you. Just talk to him about it. 

With WW you can eat anything you want, right? It just has to be accounted for properly in the point system? So can you just have smaller portions? 

Like others have said, your negative view of yourself is most likely not the view your husband has of you. He would probably be thrilled if you initiated tonight. It doesn't have to be anything special or all planned out. You could just get in bed, grab his junk, and take the lead, and he'd probably be happy.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> *I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, you do not have to answer this. Um. How do I do that?*


You don't have to be fancy. Initiating is any way you have of letting him know you want sex and perhps getting him horny. Though most men will respond if they know there is a possibility.

So what that looks like can be specific to your relationship.
Rub his butt in the kitchen and say..." I was thinking that you and I could burn some calories tonight... you know to help with our diet"

Get close to him anywhere and whisper " I kind of really want you do you think you could help a girl out"

If he's doing dishes or something that won't take long to finish say hey when you get done I wanted to show you something it's in the bedroom. Then go upstairs and get naked lie on the bed for him to discover you...

When you first start on this initiation journey I know I was shy like you and didn't really 'think' about it
so start with simple easy suggestions. You'll see your husband excited that you want him. Excited to have sex.

Once you get that positive feed back you can be more bold. Sometimes in the shower or in the bedroom after a shower I'll tell my husband that I'm the soap inspector and gotta make sure he got everything rinsed clean and then just bend/kneel or what have you and take him in your mouth for a few quick sucks. Yep you are all clean. LOL


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Diet wise, you two sound like a good candidate for carb cycling... eat low carb M-R (like ketosis level low-carb) and then eat normal on the weekends. It works.

The fact that you guys are team in other stuff, he probably wants to be a team in dieting, and doing it everyday (especially without results) can be frustrating and is unsustainable.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

re16 said:


> Diet wise, you two sound like a good candidate for carb cycling... eat low carb M-R (like ketosis level low-carb) and then eat normal on the weekends. It works.
> 
> The fact that you guys are team in other stuff, he probably wants to be a team in dieting, and doing it everyday (especially without results) can be frustrating and is unsustainable.


Learn to meal prep. I saw a video on a guy who ate everything that he wanted, like hamburgers and pizza and everything, but he ensured that his total daily calorie intake was low enough to burn calories netwise. 

He lost about 100 lbs. Although, I know that females have more difficulty in losing weight because of a lower level amount of testosterone and muscle.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

WOW all of you mansplainers realize she didn't ask you how to lose weight right?

She asked if it was ok to initiate sex with her husband while overweight.

I would have thought there would have been way more support from the men of TAM. I expected this thread to be hit out of the ball park kind of thing. No instead you focused on the one thing she is insecure about and make it worse.

I'm sorry @TexasMom1216 they really will eventually get around to more of them telling you your husband will love you initiating no matter what. He'll be thrilled.

Just look around the sex in marriage sub thread and you'll see so many of them wanting their wives to initiate and wanting more sex.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> WOW all of you mansplainers realize she didn't ask you how to lose weight right?
> 
> She asked if it was ok to initiate sex with her husband while overweight.
> 
> ...


Well, all the first comments absolutely said don't hesitate to initiate. I fully agree with the initial comments, that her man will love her initiating, sorry for not repeating in my response. I don't think telling her about an easier way to lose, after she described her frustration with how it was not working for her, is making it worse. A lot of people don't know how well low carb works, with very little effort.

Apologies for chiming in.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> they're just telling me how to make myself less unattractive to my husband. Without actually saying it, they've confirmed what I feared. They don't need to add anything at all, their position is clear. Anything they add right now will sound really insincere.


That's not what anyone was trying to say. I certainly wasn't.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

TexasMom1216 said:


> No, no, it's fine. I get it, I know what you're trying to do. Thing is, WW works for me. It's slow (especially at my age) but that's ok, because it's a lifestyle change. I didn't gain the weight overnight, I won't lose it overnight. The reason it's not working is I let my husband talk me into nachos from DoorDash when I should be having scrambled eggs. I don't really need help with weight loss, although I do very much appreciate your suggestions. Low carb does work, really well, especially for rapid weight loss. It's good advice, and the subtext is super clear. Please don't stop posting, I know what you're trying to do and appreciate the thought.


I have no sub-text, just a fixer personality, if someone says what isn't working, I suggest what might work.

The basis for the initial post and your response here about there being sub-text likely are coming from a lack of self-confidence. The things you think you husband and we are thinking about you are only in your head, I know I surely wasn't thinking what you suggested.

Ironically, one's self confidence is often closely tied to their self-image, so accepting yourself as you are and being ok with that is step one. If you want to improve yourself, for the sake of improving your own self-image, there is nothing wrong with that... and I'm not suggesting you do that for any other reason than your own happiness / self-image.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> No, no, it's fine. I get it, I know what you're trying to do. Thing is, WW works for me. It's slow (especially at my age) but that's ok, because it's a lifestyle change. I didn't gain the weight overnight, I won't lose it overnight. The reason it's not working is I let my husband talk me into nachos from DoorDash when I should be having scrambled eggs. I don't really need help with weight loss, although I do very much appreciate your suggestions. Low carb does work, really well, especially for rapid weight loss. It's good advice, and the subtext is super clear. Please don't stop posting, I know what you're trying to do and appreciate the thought.


Actually they will come now and tell you that your husband will love it for you to initiate. You see they are men. They are actually telling you the truth and not being insincere. But we are women and we hear different things. 

Let them tell you because it is the TRUTH. Your husband will love it right now at any weight. If he didn't he wouldn't be having sex 2 times a week with you.

Secondly I"m in my early 50's and at some point in our 40's I got more assertive or something about our sex life and just casually asked my husband how many times a week he'd like to have sex. You could have knocked me over with a feather when he said daily. He had never initiated daily so I didn't know and didn't think about me initiating too much. I mean I did but not a lot.

Try it out. He'll love it. He'll feel special and wanted and all the things we like to feel so it's both sexes it's human nature to want to be wanted.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Kinda off topic, but that mid-forties sex thing is crazy, right? I am shy talking about it, but hey, its the internet so... just almost overnight suddenly I'm so... hungry. Like all the time. It's kind of ironic, when I was in my 30s and a size 2 I could take it or leave it. Now that I'm all old and fat I want it all the time. Nature isn't as funny as it thinks it is, frankly...


It can't be off topic it's your thread. You are allowed to talk about anything you want. Yes I found I'm more sexual now than when I was younger. I also appreciate my husband now more and he's better at sex now.

So have you two tried any toys or anything yet.

My libido increased as my child's age increased and skyrocketed after the first time he left me in a shivering puddle of orgasmic energy. He was always generous but there were things I didn't know were possible until later in life. My husband loves me initiating. I worry because he can't actually physically keep up with my drive and I don't want to make him feel bad. He laughs and tounge in cheek says

what ever you do don't throw me in that briar patch...


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

It's nice to have a post here that isn't about the end of the world. Just a good marriage with someone trying to make it better.

I know you don't want this to be a diet thread, but just a couple quick points. My wife and I are both early 50s and have been working on losing those pounds that sneak up on you. It is always about finding what works for you. I've had a much easier time losing the pounds. I've gone up and down many times over the years for body building, so I know exactly what I need to do. My wife on the other hand had to work pretty hard to have the success she has been experiencing and what worked for her. So just keep doing what is working for you. It may be worthwhile to talk to your husband about the cheating on the weekends. Just let him know you really want to stay on track and you would appreciate it if he helped with that.

For the sex stuff. Since you are already having regular sex (and I like the high 5 thing) you can count on it that your husband is attracted to you. I can guarantee you that he will not be disappointed by you initiating sex. He will not be thinking about the pounds you have gained when you have his erect penis in your hand, trust me. My wife doesn't initiate a lot, but when she does I feel giddy like a kid in the candy store. There are no limits to how you can initiate. You can be subtle or aggressive and everything in between.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

To expound. For me I'm sure some is biology but it's also so psyhcological.
When I was young all the men wanted to grab my breasts, or have sex or what have you. Being a woman you had to guard yourself and make sure that wasn't ALL they wanted and such. So sex was almost like a negative. I didn't not like sex but subconsiously something was there.

Some where in my 40's I realized my husband has been here 20 years so he probably has been around for more than just the sex. And he's like the best husband ever. Sit down list your husbands good qualities. Look around even at this site like this thread. Why would a woman accept a marriage but then accept no...

It will make you appreciate your husband even more and want to take him even more. Which he'll most likely love.

You know try it out. If he doesn't respond you can always wait til a better time and talk about it. I know that is hard but it can also open whole new windows.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Kinda off topic, but that mid-forties sex thing is crazy, right? I am shy talking about it, but hey, its the internet so... just almost overnight suddenly I'm so... hungry. Like all the time. It's kind of ironic, when I was in my 30s and a size 2 I could take it or leave it. Now that I'm all old and fat I want it all the time. Nature isn't as funny as it thinks it is, frankly...


I think this how the other side feels also, it just starts for us at about 13, not mid-forties. With that in mind, you can guess how husband will react to initiation... it is always welcomed.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 16 years. Our marriage is really good. We have a son, 12. My question is about me initiating sex.
> We have sex a couple of times a week most weeks. He initiates. Unless it’s that time of the month, I never say no. I don’t want to say no; I love him, the sex is great and I like feeling close to him that way. It’s silly, but after particularly strong orgasms we high five for “team us.” It’s charming and sweet to me.
> Over the years I have gained about 35 lbs. I’m on WW and my husband is very supportive. The thing is, on the weekends he cheats on his diet and seems a little sad when I don’t join. I’m weak about it, and it’s hampering my weight loss. I’m maintaining, not losing. I’m also turning 50 this year.
> So you can see my dilemma. I’m old and fat and clearly not attractive. I’m afraid if I try initiating sex it will put him in a bad spot. He won’t want to reject me because he knows it would hurt my feelings. I don’t want to become a chore by forcing him. I keep hearing men like when women initiate; I guess my question is, what if you’re not young and thin? What if you’re old and pudgy and not as attractive as when you met? Would I be being rude and selfish to initiate sex?


love the high-five. You should initiate. Us guys do love that. she's only started once in the past 21 plus years. Once. Anyhow your hubby will be happy. I joined WW after a few years ago my wife called me "fat, boring and bed and never finish what you start" OUCH. Lost 30 in WW, never was boring in bed but even more creative now, and got a new better paying job. Guess the harsh words inspired me. Some woulda walked. She's older and can stand to lose some, But love is love, like the love you still share. Good luck.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> WOW all of you mansplainers realize she didn't ask you how to lose weight right?


I offered a suggestion of how I cheat on my diet with my wife when she wants to eat dessert so she doesn’t feel bad about being the only one eating crap without screwing my progress up.

She presented a couple of problems and since she talked diet it seems worthy of sharing ideas.

Agree 100% that men love when a woman initiates, at least I do.

Also agree with others that 35lbs for many guys won’t matter at all.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Wow, I'm sorry she said that. That isn't kind at all. I mean, sometimes the harsh messages wake us up but that seems really extra harsh. Congratulations on your WW success. It's a great program (if you stick to it  )


Thank you, TexasMom. I sometimes can still hear her telling me that. It was a Sunday night maybe 7 or 8 years ago. And i was in a romantic mood. Then she dropped that bomb. Really harsh. Sticks with me. .. Yes, WW is great, Good luck with it. I'm on "green"


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I knew there was a very good chance this would turn into a diet thread. And the thing is, I thought I had explained initially that I KNEW why I wasn't losing and what I needed to do to keep losing (perhaps it wasn't clear). See, WW works. It's one of the oldest, healthiest and most sustainable weight loss programs in the world. What I didn't mention was, every time I say, no, I really need to diet, he says that my diet is working, he can see a difference, just have a little fun, it's no rush, it's a journey, that kind of thing. See, he also struggles to lose weight, and he's a former personal trainer. It's not always a matter of not knowing what to do. My favorite bumper-sticker quip about dieting is: Weight loss is very simple, but it is NOT easy.
> 
> I wonder, Anastasia, have you ever noticed how the people who have the most advice about weight loss have never struggled with it? Kind of like raising children: there are no greater experts on child rearing than the childless.
> 
> I didn't get a super critical vibe, though. They're trying to help fix my problem, which is what happens when you ask for advice on the internet, you get advice and I believe they are really trying to help. They've not called me lazy or anything mean, they're just telling me how to make myself less unattractive to my husband. Without actually saying it, they've confirmed what I feared. They don't need to add anything at all, their position is clear. Anything they add right now will sound really insincere.


The thing is that there is no indication at all that you are unattractive to your husband. It's all in your mind.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> love the high-five. You should initiate. Us guys do love that. she's only started once in the past 21 plus years. Once. Anyhow your hubby will be happy. I joined WW after a few years ago my wife called me "fat, boring and bed and never finish what you start" OUCH. Lost 30 in WW, never was boring in bed but even more creative now, and got a new better paying job. Guess the harsh words inspired me. Some woulda walked. She's older and can stand to lose some, But love is love, like the love you still share. Good luck.


Wow that was so rude. If that was said to me the words would stick.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

….


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

I think you have it the other way around. No sex is bad, sex with spouse is always good.

sounds like you have a self image issue, but you are doing something about it, hence WW. if your husband is not complaining and continue to be into what’s happening in the bedroom, you have nothing to worry about.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I have a Peloton bike, and I do exercise. I’m adding weights into my routine to help with my plateau. Thank you, that is really good advice.
> 
> He is older and has also put on weight. (We love to cook and throw dinner parties, that’s how this happened 😉). It’s different for men, they don’t age the way women do.
> 
> I would never model lingerie, that would be so awful. I’m not attractive enough to do that, it would just be sad if I tried to do that. 🥺😔


I don't think the weight is an issue really....he initiates often enough where I don't think it's an issue with him. 

It is more your self esteem, and general health. You want sex more than the current frequency, is that why you are asking about women initiating? 

My wife has low self esteem, weighs more than she'd like, turns me down so often I rarely try anymore. But one time a couple of years ago the stars were aligned and she put on three different pieces of lingerie and showed them off to me. It was followed by the most memorable sex we ever had. Don't discount it, it can be powerful.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

…


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I could never. He would either laugh at me or pity me and I would die of humiliation.


Why do you think he would react that way, rather than love it?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

bobert said:


> Why do you think he would react that way, rather than love it?


Because I’m old and overweight and no one wants to see that. Only women under 35 or with 10% body fat can look sexy in lingerie. I need to know my limitations, I’d be so humiliated it would ruin it for both of us.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Because I’m old and overweight and no one wants to see that. Only women under 35 or with 10% body fat can look sexy in lingerie. I need to know my limitations, I’d be so humiliated it would ruin it for both of us.


My wife is older and heavier than that and she’s smoking hot (to me) in lingerie. I buy it for her all the time.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Because I’m old and overweight and no one wants to see that. Only women under 35 or with 10% body fat can look sexy in lingerie. I need to know my limitations, I’d be so humiliated it would ruin it for both of us.


I do appreciate the challenge of losing weight for a woman. Men can often just imagine the weight falling off and it does.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> no one wants to see that


Your husband probably does. You can find lingerie that flatters your body.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

bobert said:


> Your husband probably does. You can find lingerie that flatters your body.


You’re very kind. Your wife must be pretty great to have a guy like you.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Where are you getting this idea that lingerie is only for a size 2? There’s tons of lingerie meant for curves that a size 2 would not feel flattered in. Seriously - don’t knock it till you try it. I found a cute babydoll type thing when I was 7 months pregnant to wear for out anniversary (I was feeling very insecure about body changes) and it was so flattering. Really made my night and took away my insecurities about the “evening”. My husband never cared about all that but it made a difference for me.

I can assure you if your husband is initiating then he would love for you to initiate. You also need to get out of your head about what his preferences are physically. Many men prefer curves! We are so critical of ourselves as women.


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## NorthernGuard (Jul 29, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Because I’m old and overweight and no one wants to see that. Only women under 35 or with 10% body fat can look sexy in lingerie. I need to know my limitations, I’d be so humiliated it would ruin it for both of us.


I'm wondering if you've really looked into your options and how far lingerie has come these days? It's not all see through, tiny dental floss for 20 year old perfect bodies anymore. The industry caters to all shapes, sizes and ages, and with online shopping your possibilities are endless. There really is something out there for everyone now. Be they modest or a sex kitten show off. 

If your comfortable with the idea of shopping in person, find an independent lingerie store, that carries plus size. Chain stores like Victoria's Secret probably aren't gonna float your boat. They're geared more towards younger women and trends. Same goes for a store that sells womens clothing and carries some lingerie. The selection there will be limited and geared towards younger bodies. 

You'll pay more at an indepenently owned store but the quality and selection will be better, the staff better educated about their products and different body types, and it will be worth every penny, I promise! And if your not comfortable shopping in person, google "plus size lingerie" and look at online specialty stores. I think you absolutely can find lingerie that will look good on your body type and make you feel good about yourself, and feel sexy wearing it. And your husband will be thrilled with the results!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 16 years. Our marriage is really good. We have a son, 12. My question is about me initiating sex.
> We have sex a couple of times a week most weeks. He initiates. Unless it’s that time of the month, I never say no. I don’t want to say no; I love him, the sex is great and I like feeling close to him that way. It’s silly, but after particularly strong orgasms we high five for “team us.” It’s charming and sweet to me.
> Over the years I have gained about 35 lbs. I’m on WW and my husband is very supportive. The thing is, on the weekends he cheats on his diet and seems a little sad when I don’t join. I’m weak about it, and it’s hampering my weight loss. I’m maintaining, not losing. I’m also turning 50 this year.
> So you can see my dilemma. I’m old and fat and clearly not attractive. I’m afraid if I try initiating sex it will put him in a bad spot. He won’t want to reject me because he knows it would hurt my feelings. I don’t want to become a chore by forcing him. I keep hearing men like when women initiate; I guess my question is, what if you’re not young and thin? What if you’re old and pudgy and not as attractive as when you met? Would I be being rude and selfish to initiate sex?


Mrs. Conan and I have been together over thirty years. We aren't as virile or nubile as we use to be and I love when she initiates.

She isn't the hard bodied gymnast anymore and I'm a hell of a lot softer than I use to be too and we still love getting after each other.

Go for it and grab your man and ride him like you stole him.😉


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

NorthernGuard said:


> I'm wondering if you've really looked into your options and how far lingerie has come these days? It's not all see through, tiny dental floss for 20 year old perfect bodies anymore. The industry caters to all shapes, sizes and ages, and with online shopping your possibilities are endless. There really is something out there for everyone now. Be they modest or a sex kitten show off.
> 
> If your comfortable with the idea of shopping in person, find an independent lingerie store, that carries plus size. Chain stores like Victoria's Secret probably aren't gonna float your boat. They're geared more towards younger women and trends. Same goes for a store that sells womens clothing and carries some lingerie. The selection there will be limited and geared towards younger bodies.
> 
> You'll pay more at an indepenently owned store but the quality and selection will be better, the staff better educated about their products and different body types, and it will be worth every penny, I promise! And if your not comfortable shopping in person, google "plus size lingerie" and look at online specialty stores. I think you absolutely can find lingerie that will look good on your body type and make you feel good about yourself, and feel sexy wearing it. And your husband will be thrilled with the results!


You’re very kind. I’m not quite plus size, but I have seen several online stores (no way I could shop in person) that has pretty stuff. I’m insecure about cellulite, and my stomach isn’t flat any more. Maybe when I get closer to my goal weight I’ll ask my husband if he has any interest in lingerie. Even when I was in great shape, I didn’t even wear bikinis. I’ve always been self conscious about that kind of thing.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> Go for it and grab your man and ride him like you stole him.😉


This is awesome. It made me blush, but in a good way. That I have done before. 😁☺


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You’re very kind. I’m not quite plus size, but I have seen several online stores (no way I could shop in person) that has pretty stuff. I’m insecure about cellulite, and my stomach isn’t flat any more. Maybe when I get closer to my goal weight I’ll ask my husband if he has any interest in lingerie. Even when I was in great shape, I didn’t even wear bikinis. I’ve always been self conscious about that kind of thing.


Just do it! You'd be surprised by what men like on women who aren't perfect. I'm not in the shape I want to be in, but I was shocked at how my bf saw me. He bought me a particularly racy teddy I'd never pick for myself in a million years, it took me a good year to work up the nerve to wear it for him 😂. Your husband loves and wants you now, a better body is simply a bonus. Rock his world!


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## NorthernGuard (Jul 29, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You’re very kind. I’m not quite plus size, but I have seen several online stores (no way I could shop in person) that has pretty stuff. I’m insecure about cellulite, and my stomach isn’t flat any more. Maybe when I get closer to my goal weight I’ll ask my husband if he has any interest in lingerie. Even when I was in great shape, I didn’t even wear bikinis. I’ve always been self conscious about that kind of thing.


A beautiful body stocking and a quality corset can be a great equalizer for some cellulite and a softer tummy! And if you get one that's crotchless you can keep it on while you "play" with your happy hubby!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

NorthernGuard said:


> A beautiful body stocking and a quality corset can be a great equalizer for some cellulite and a softer tummy! And if you get one that's crotchless you can keep it on while you "play" with your happy hubby!


Maybe lingerie that covers the belly would probably help.


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## NorthernGuard (Jul 29, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> Just do it! You'd be surprised by what men like on women who aren't perfect. I'm not in the shape I want to be in, but I was shocked at how my bf saw me. He bought me a particularly racy teddy I'd never pick for myself in a million years, it took me a good year to work up the nerve to wear it for him 😂. Your husband loves and wants you now, a better body is simply a bonus. Rock his world!


He must have built up some serious anticipation for that moment and loved every minute of it when you finally debuted it!


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I appreciate all the supportive posts. You guys are nice. Tomorrow I will post something more fun and light to discuss. 🤪


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## NorthernGuard (Jul 29, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Too humiliating. It’s much more dignified to accept I’m unattractive than to use shapewear as lingerie. I would be pathetic to him.
> 
> I’m sorry if this sounds harsh. I realize you’re trying to help, I don’t mean to seem ungrateful. I’m hurting because my age snuck up on me somehow (I realize that makes zero logical sense). I can lose weight but I can’t get younger. I wasn’t ready for it to be over for me and it’s breaking my heart.
> 
> Thank you for being so encouraging and trying to figure out some way to put a nicer spin on this losing situation. I’ll feel better in 6-8 months when I’m not so overweight.


Aww hon, you misunderstood. I would never suggest some spanx as lingerie. I'm talking black lace bodystockings! Google those words and take a look. They come in loose or fine weaves so you can get whatever kind of coverage you feel you need, and also with patterned areas that cover even more. Quality counts though. Cheap ones may not fit well.

As to getting older? I get it. I turned 50 this year. I'm not a plus sized woman but I've got curves and my body isn't as tight as it was in my 20's so I'm not wearing the dental floss, but I am wearing body stockings, bodysuits, corsets, chemises, teddys, etc. I search for what looks good on my body type and makes me feel good. It takes time to find the right stuff that works for me but it is worth the effort.

When you feel your ready take babysteps and get yourself one nice thing that makes you feel good about yourself. You could start by buying yourself a really pretty and feminine, good quality bra that's just for you, for under your clothes, to make you feel sexy. It isn't about your hubby seeing you in it or you staring at yourself in the mirror in it.

We're our own worst critics when it comes to our bodies. I could spend all day picking mine apart if I planted myself in front of a mirror, lol. But, there's something empowering about wearing a good quality, feminine and pretty piece of lingerie even if it's just a bra or some panties that are hidden away under clothing. ;-)


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Yeah, I actually edited my post away because it sounded so whiny and frankly, ungrateful. I really do appreciate how supportive and kind everyone has been about this.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I could never. He would either laugh at me or pity me and I would die of humiliation.


there are stretchy types of lingerie that can make any woman look sexy.

here is one example.

LINGERLOVE Womens Plus Size Sexy Lingerie Chemise Floral Lace Babydoll See Through Bodysuit Lingerie at Amazon Women’s Clothing store

and i guarantee no man will be laughing at you if you walk into the bedroom wearing something like that!
its the see-through aspect that turns on the guys!

BTW, a sexy attitude helps too!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Women are their own worst enemy. That self loathing does nothing but deny yourself and what your husband would love from you.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Because I’m old and overweight and no one wants to see that. Only women under 35 or with 10% body fat can look sexy in lingerie. I need to know my limitations, I’d be so humiliated it would ruin it for both of us.


For some reason the image of yourself is causing you grief.. Despite your husband's obvious attraction for you, sou are reluctant to initiate to get more of what you need. As a man, I will respond to my wife anytime she needs me. You have no idea the high that produces for a husband, that his wife after years of marriage and many miles on the odometer still desires him.

Have no idea how to see yourself as he sees you and to replace your self image with confidence. But that is what needs to happen.

Btw, ideal fat percent for female is 20-25%, 15-20 for male. Not sure where you got less tgan 10% from. That is like concentration camp percentage.

and age?! Cher and Dolly for example are in their 70s! Not sure where the under 35 idea is coming from.

somehow some wrong info has gotten into your head.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> As a man, I will respond to my wife anytime she needs me. You have no idea the high that produces for a husband, that his wife after years of marriage and many miles on the odometer still desires him.


This, it’s great. In fact it is the highlight of my day every time. If my wife comes to bed and she tells me she put on something spicy for me, oh man!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I’m old and fat and clearly not attractive. I’m afraid if I try initiating sex it will put him in a bad spot.


You sound like my wife! If your husband had a problem with your weight, he wouldn't be initiating twice a week. My wife gained a lot of weight towards the end of our marriage, but it never bothered me, because she was still my wife and I liked the connection and the bond sex created, regardless of her body shape.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Because I’m old and overweight and no one wants to see that. Only women under 35 or with 10% body fat can look sexy in lingerie. I need to know my limitations, I’d be so humiliated it would ruin it for both of us.


I'm going to have to call you on this one because it's not true. My wife is 67 and she still gets my motor running when she puts on lingerie because I know I'm in for a good time. She doesn't buy the tight fitting stuff anymore but she still makes lingerie look good. Last night she came out wearing one of my old dress shirts with half the buttons undone. That immediately got my attention. So your husband may really enjoy you dressing for him. Give it a try.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> I'm going to have to call you on this one because it's not true. My wife is 67 and she still gets my motor running when she puts on lingerie because I know I'm in for a good time. She doesn't buy the tight fitting stuff anymore but she still makes lingerie look good. Last night she came out wearing one of my old dress shirts with half the buttons undone. That immediately got my attention. So your husband may really enjoy you dressing for him. Give it a try.


TBH, my wife doesn’t and never has worn lingerie. She wears pajamas before bed, takes the bottoms off when we go to bed, gets naked as foreplay progresses. Our preference sleeping is birthday suits,


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Rus47 said:


> Despite your husband's obvious attraction for you, sou are reluctant to initiate to get more of what you need. * As a man, I will respond to my wife anytime she needs me. You have no idea the high that produces for a husband, that his wife after years of marriage and many miles on the odometer still desires him.*
> 
> Have no idea how to see yourself as he sees you and to replace your self image with confidence. But that is what needs to happen.


@TexasMom1216 the bold is how the great majority of husbands feel when their wife initiate sex. 

Also, I’d bet my next mortgage payment that to your husband’s eyes, you are smoking hot but here you are tearing yourself down with negativity. Doesn’t mean we are blind to the additional weight our wives are carrying but we are focusing on all your positive features. While you are obsessing about your stomach, your husband’s is lustily looking at your breast. While your fretting when you look at your behind, he’s getting rock hard looking at your @ss. If you wives saw yourself through your husband’s eyes, you wouldn’t be stressing yourself out over a few pounds. Btw, pounds that he knows are caused in part by carrying his kid(s).


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

NorthernGuard said:


> He must have built up some serious anticipation for that moment and loved every minute of it when you finally debuted it!


He sure did. It made me see myself differently, for sure.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> He sure did. It made me see myself differently, for sure.


That's so great.


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## RMguy (Jul 2, 2021)

Probably echoing what every other guys has said already but nothing wrong with you initiating it at all. I know it might be a surprise but us guys have feelings too and we like to know we are wanted as well.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

RMguy said:


> Probably echoing what every other guys has said already but nothing wrong with you initiating it at all. I know it might be a surprise but us guys have feelings too and we like to know we are wanted as well.


He knows I want him, I just don't want to gross him out. 😕


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> He knows I want him, I just don't want to gross him out. 😕


You don't need to make it about the sex. He would love all the prep around the sex, like a fancy dinner.


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## NorthernGuard (Jul 29, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> He knows I want him, I just don't want to gross him out. 😕


If he was standing at the counter with his back to you, and you sauntered on over and gave him a hug from behind, then reached down and cupped his junk, I'm willing to bet the last thing he'd ever be is grossed out.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> He knows I want him, I just don't want to gross him out. 😕


Look, when I see my wife who is past 70, I see the cheerleader who I met in HS and have loved every since. This old man is wrinkled from stem to stern, she still finds me desirable. We both see one another as teenagers even now. The image we see in the mirror isn't who our spouse sees. 

The biggest issue with your negative self-image is that impacts relationships with everyone including your husband. The more you voice those negative sentiments and subconsciously exhibits those vibrations, the more it impacts. If you have ever been around a person who constantly voices negatives, you know it is tiring.

Maybe you ought to start a thread over in the women's lounge and seek some advice from confident women about how to overcome and get those thoughts out of your head.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> He knows I want him, I just don't want to gross him out. 😕


Have you just straight-up told him “I am available whenever you want me”, or some similar words? That is sometimes how my wife initiates. I bet your husbands response will be “how about now!?”


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> He knows I want him, I just don't want to gross him out. 😕


I guarantee you won't. Men get tickled pink when you treat them like your favorite food and you come at them ravenously 😆


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Have you just straight-up told him “I am available whenever you want me”, or some similar words? That is sometimes how my wife initiates. I bet your husbands response will be “how about now!?”


No, I just kind of assumed he knew that. I never say no (unless it's that time of the month).


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

NorthernGuard said:


> If he was standing at the counter with his back to you, and you sauntered on over and gave him a hug from behind, then reached down and cupped his junk, I'm willing to bet the last thing he'd ever be is grossed out.


Wow, really? That seems... aggressive. I'm too shy. That sounds crazy after 17 years of marriage, I know.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Wow, really? That seems... aggressive. I'm too shy. That sounds crazy after 17 years of marriage, I know.


30+ years here and my wife will walk up to me, give me a kiss and grab my junk. The fact that you've been with him for 17 years means the comfort level should be through the roof. Don't hesitate just do it if it is something you would like to do.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> 30+ years here and my wife will walk up to me, give me a kiss and grab my junk. The fact that you've been with him for 17 years means the comfort level should be through the roof. Don't hesitate just do it if it is something you would like to do.


Now I'm curious what he would do. I mean, he saw me give birth (even though I asked him to stay behind my shoulder, he didn't. He was too excited for his son) I imagine we could recover if I embarrassed myself by pawing at him.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> No, I just kind of assumed he knew that. I never say no (unless it's that time of the month).


Don't assume he knows that. Don't assume that he knows you welcome it and enjoy it versus do it for him.

Look in my 40's I was shy and more conservative than I am now. Because I learned my husband had no clue. I had no clue. Get to actually communicating and things can get so much better than they are now. It's hard at first but if he hasn't started that communication by now then you'll have to try it out.

I agree with the guys just don't be coy about it. It goes right over some mens head.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> No, I just kind of assumed he knew that. I never say no (unless it's that time of the month).


You have no idea how my feelings soar when she says just those words! Or “do you want to go lay down?”. My wife has an understated personality. Probably her upbringing. In our day a girl wouldnt dare call a boy on the telephone. So she only rarely will just grab my junk to initiate.

Subtle will convey your message as well.

Or let the Tigress inside out of the cage and grab what you want. You might be pleasantly surprised! I suspect at your age, the hormones are over the top.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Now I'm curious what he would do. I mean, he saw me give birth (even though I asked him to stay behind my shoulder, he didn't. He was too excited for his son) I imagine we could recover if I embarrassed myself by pawing at him.


And for that very reason he probably hasn't approached you about some of those wild ideas you have.

Not because he's grossed out. But you are the mother of his child and his wife and he wouldn't want to freak you out by asking for xxx in the bedroom after 20 years. Men are often times afraid to rock the boat.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> You have no idea how my feelings soar when she says just those words! Or “do you wsnt to go lay down?”. My wife has an understated personality. Probably her upbringing. In our day a girl wouldnt dare call a boy on the telephone. So she only rarely will just grab my junk to initiate.
> 
> Subtle will convey your message as well.


Same. I never called boys when I was young. I have never asked a man out on a date, it's just not how I was raised. I'm from the south, I was even a debutante (👵).


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> And for that very reason he probably hasn't approached you about some of those wild ideas you have.
> 
> Not because he's grossed out. But you are the mother of his child and his wife and he wouldn't want to freak you out by asking for xxx in the bedroom after 20 years. Men are often times afraid to rock the boat.


He has asked for new things. I won't elaborate, other than to say I liked it. 😊


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> He has asked for new things. I won't elaborate, other than to say I liked it. 😊


And he'd probably like the new things you want to try too.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@TexasMom1216 ,

First... Hi! To introduce myself, I'm a 59 1/2 year old lady, married to a 59yo fella (I'm older! LOL), and I'm also more fuller figured than skinny. Most of my life I've been told and thought I was fat. Period. My exH wanted a tall, willowy, ballerina type, so why he married me I'll NEVER KNOW. I'm shaped like a hobbit: short and cuddly. It took me a long time to get here, but I came to realize something one day: I will never, EVER be a tall, willowy, ballerina type no matter how much weight I lose. That doesn't mean I'm "gross" though--it means that I am small and cute as heck. I am very curvy and built. I have strong, curvy legs. I have a tummy I don't like, but if you hug me, I feel soft and warm. I am literally MADE for hugging and cuddling, so I am GREAT for a Beloved Hubby who loves touching and for holding and cuddling kids and grandkids. I will never, ever play basketball professionally or high jump, but I can do the SallyUp challenge and I take no medications even at my age! I don't have biggun's... I have BIGGUN'S! So I have a great bust, a curvy little waist, and swingy hips. I have a GREAT body. 

Now, like you, I feel a little afraid of initiating. Inside my own head, I don't look at my bod and think it's hot, but I do think my Beloved Hubby likes it. I have a very open mind, sexually, and I really enjoy it, but I just feel like ... well like it's not necessarily "lady-like" to go for it. So you know what I do? My Beloved Hubby and I ride a motorcycle and we both have tattoos...so I let my mind slip into that bold, little-bit-wild mindset and I RAWR! I feel a little afraid inside my head, but I give it a try. So far, my Beloved Hubby has been receptive if I try, and he actually giggles about it. (In fact, a couple times I made sexy comments about him or his bod...and he started to strut a little in front of me! LOL! I LOVED THAT!!) And if I try and it doesn't go well (like if the timing is bad, or I fumble awkwardly), well... I feel a little embarrassed but I figure out what I could do differently to do it better, and I try again! 

Regarding lingerie and what to do to initiate, I am not a huge lingerie lover. I think two things: 1) it's just going to be torn off, so what's the point? (lol) and 2) if I wanted something that small I'd wear dental floss. So instead of being a lingerie wearer, I tend to be au naturale freely. If I'm squeezed into a stretchy lace "outfit" I feel like a sausage, not sexy! But if I'm au naturale...I feel free AND that makes my sexy playfulness feel free too. I do wear pretty underclothes, and I do have some nighties that are more like a babydoll and that look complimentary, but I very rarely use "lingerie" as a way to initiate. What * I * do is that I will say some things to indicate interest, and I don't mean "Hi Honey" and expect him to read my mind! LOL I'll say "Whoa, Tiger, you are looking hot tonight! We should go to be extra early!" Say something. I'll also do some extra touch. Now, we touch a lot, as we're both touchers, but when I want him to know that I'm in the mood, I might sneak up behind him and kiss his neck. I feel funny "grabbing his junk" but I am okay with a little nibble in the kitchen! LOL Sometimes I'll start to unbutton his shirt...slowly...kissing his chest. See, it's not so much going over the edge as it is just doing what feels natural to you. But the trick is this: Actually DO IT. Be afraid. Be nervous. But give it a try. 

I know for me, I have a LOT crazier ideas in my mind than I actually do, but that doesn't necessarily mean I want to do those crazy ideas. Sometimes it's just the way I get my mind "in the mood" and for me--my mind has GOT to be involved! On the occasion, though, I take one of the crazy ideas and think, "Well.... I could give that a try." So BE YOU, but just stretch yourself a little. Get a bit outside your comfort zone.


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## NorthernGuard (Jul 29, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Wow, really? That seems... aggressive. I'm too shy. That sounds crazy after 17 years of marriage, I know.


Absolutely! I'm no extrovert and a shy person myself and it's not done in an agressive manner (well, maybe it is the odd time when I've had a glass of wine or two I suppose, lol). My hubby of 31 years has no complaints either way. I think few men would. If you can bring yourself to initiate every now and then it will rock your hubby's world and be much appreciated by him. You'll feel awkward at first I'm sure, because fear of rejection is a real and powerful thing, but your husband's reaction and receptiveness will help ease that feeling and the more you initiate the easier and more comfortable you'll become doing it.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

NorthernGuard said:


> If he was standing at the counter with his back to you, and you sauntered on over and gave him a hug from behind, then reached down and cupped his junk, I'm willing to bet the last thing he'd ever be is grossed out.


This. He'll greatly enjoy it.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> This. He'll greatly enjoy it.


I'm scared of two things: spiders and this. 😳🤪


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm scared of two things: spiders and this. 😳🤪


You're already showing you'll do fine, gaining more info as you're doing is always helpful and the fact you are is a great sign.

Just keep an open mind, meaning even if you think an action might be too forward, it might not really be. You two are married, so very little is out of bounds when trying different things in good spirits.

You can do it! 👍👍🙂🙂


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 16 years. Our marriage is really good. We have a son, 12. My question is about me initiating sex.
> 
> ........Over the years I have gained about 35 lbs. I’m on WW and my husband is very supportive. The thing is, on the weekends he cheats on his diet and seems a little sad when I don’t join. I’m weak about it, and it’s hampering my weight loss. I’m maintaining, not losing. I’m also turning 50 this year.
> 
> ...


Let's deal with the big question first. By all means initiate. Your problem is one of self confidence! If you see yourself as unattractive, you will dress and act such. Get yourself some CD's on affirmations such as I am beautiful or I want to loose weight. Start visualizing what you will look like as the your ideal sexy lady. Keep that vision in your mind. Also set about some weight loss goals. Maybe a set up a *boudoir* photography session. Most places have women photographers who will capture you inner sexy beauty. Then give the photo to your H and make sure you look at it. You really need to change your own self image.

Now as to your H not helping you with your diet on the weekends. Learn portion control. Most diets have some substitutions or "cheat days." If you learn potion control the weekends really won't matter much. You are doing the diet for you. You are dieting to gain your own personal visualization of the sexy you that you want. If that doesn't work, plan an extra hard couple of workouts at the gym or where you exercise. Exercise should be part of every weight loss plan.

If that doesn't kick start things, get some individual counseling to help you come to terms with your sexual self confidence.

Good luck.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 16 years. Our marriage is really good. We have a son, 12. My question is about me initiating sex.
> We have sex a couple of times a week most weeks. He initiates. Unless it’s that time of the month, I never say no. I don’t want to say no; I love him, the sex is great and I like feeling close to him that way. It’s silly, but after particularly strong orgasms we high five for “team us.” It’s charming and sweet to me.
> Over the years I have gained about 35 lbs. I’m on WW and my husband is very supportive. The thing is, on the weekends he cheats on his diet and seems a little sad when I don’t join. I’m weak about it, and it’s hampering my weight loss. I’m maintaining, not losing. I’m also turning 50 this year.
> So you can see my dilemma. I’m old and fat and clearly not attractive. I’m afraid if I try initiating sex it will put him in a bad spot. He won’t want to reject me because he knows it would hurt my feelings. I don’t want to become a chore by forcing him. I keep hearing men like when women initiate; I guess my question is, what if you’re not young and thin? What if you’re old and pudgy and not as attractive as when you met? Would I be being rude and selfish to initiate sex?


Not in the least! It is welcome and tells me my wife wants me, she is not just responding to please me.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm scared of two things: spiders and this. 😳🤪


The thought occurs to me that he may be sabotaging you because he doesn't want you to succeed because it may make start to look more attractive.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You’re very kind. I’m not quite plus size, but I have seen several online stores (no way I could shop in person) that has pretty stuff. I’m insecure about cellulite, and my stomach isn’t flat any more. Maybe when I get closer to my goal weight I’ll ask my husband if he has any interest in lingerie. Even when I was in great shape, I didn’t even wear bikinis. I’ve always been self conscious about that kind of thing.


Look at some and put it in your cart...just ask him what he thinks about some outfits. He can choose some that he wants to see you in.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Regarding the dieting. I will only say that we need to control our eating for ourselves despite what others in the family are doing. Your husband can't actually sabotage your plans unless you allow it. My wife can eat sweets without limit. She eats what and when she wants. She has weighted the same since I met her in HS, quickly lost baby weight after each of four kids. Her metabolism allows it, she has always been very active and burns calories readily. If I ate what she eats, would be vastly overweight. My metabolism doesn't allow it. So while she downs a piece of cake after a restaurant dinner, I drink a cup of decaf coffee. It is like an alcoholic can never drink wine. They must swear off alcohol forever or risk falling off the wagon. 

I have never used WW, but surely they incorporate some behavior modification methods because weight control is a lifestyle for the rest of your life.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Wow, really? That seems... aggressive. I'm too shy. That sounds crazy after 17 years of marriage, I know.


Not aggressive at all for spouses. If you had just started dating...maybe so.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> He knows I want him, I just don't want to gross him out. 😕


My wife is 30 lbs heavier than when we met. She has a bit of a belly with stretch marks. I see the woman i married there also. When i see the loose skin and stretch marks...i see the woman that wanted to carry my children...i see what she gladly endured to bring us 2 children...at 33 and 38. Sll those stretch marks and loose skin and extra weight says to me I Love You.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Now I'm curious what he would do. I mean, he saw me give birth (even though I asked him to stay behind my shoulder, he didn't. He was too excited for his son) I imagine we could recover if I embarrassed myself by pawing at him.


No call for embarrassment. If no kids around he may just lay you down on the kitchen counter or island.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Because I’m old and overweight and no one wants to see that. Only women under 35 or with 10% body fat can look sexy in lingerie. I need to know my limitations, I’d be so humiliated it would ruin it for both of us.


That is untrue. My wives are neither, and both look sexy in what they have. Granted, there are outfits that will not work with your body type, and ones that will. But do not just dismiss the whole because of some.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I called a rule in my bedroom...no clothes on in bed. Sex happens ALOT more. Better snuggling between 2 warm bodies. I keep it cool and she says i am her warm furry 🐻. When she initiates she will at times grab my package and say, "Ohh Daddy, I need this" or she can give me her "look" that just screams i want you. Her Bedroom Eyes. Sometimes when we are tired i will not initiate and while spooning ready to go to sleep, she will start wiggling that ass on my crotch.
Game On!


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> I called a rule in my bedroom...no clothes on in bed. Sex happens ALOT more. Better snuggling between 2 warm bodies. I keep it cool and she says i am her warm furry 🐻. When she initiates she will at times grab my package and say, "Ohh Daddy, I need this" or she can give me her "look" that just screams i want you. Her Bedroom Eyes. Sometimes when we are tired i will not initiate and while spooning ready to go to sleep, she will start wiggling that ass on my crotch.
> Game On!


 Yeah, We don’t do that submissive stuff. Not judging, lots of people are into that, but my husband and I are not.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> No call for embarrassment. If no kids around he may just lay you down on the kitchen counter or island.


This was actually a serious request for help. Not sure why you reacted this way.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> So you can see my dilemma. I’m old and fat and clearly not attractive. I’m afraid if I try initiating sex it will put him in a bad spot. He won’t want to reject me because he knows it would hurt my feelings. I don’t want to become a chore by forcing him. I keep hearing men like when women initiate; I guess my question is, what if you’re not young and thin? What if you’re old and pudgy and not as attractive as when you met? Would I be being rude and selfish to initiate sex?


I'm 50 and I don't consider myself old. I have a mom whose in her 70's and currently getting a lot of attention on Match. And if you're not pretty learn about makeup. TBH beauty is easy.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Cindywife said:


> I'm 50 and I don't consider myself old. I have a mom whose in her 70's and currently getting a lot of attention on Match. And if you're not pretty learn about makeup. TBH beauty is easy.


I know about makeup. I know a lot about makeup. I’m actually really good at it, people come to me for help with makeup and hair. My friends would laugh that you said I don’t know anything about it, considering my extensive collection. 😋


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Now I'm curious what he would do. I mean, he saw me give birth (even though I asked him to stay behind my shoulder, he didn't. He was too excited for his son) I imagine we could recover if I embarrassed myself by pawing at him.


Think about this: if watching baby come out of you didn't gross him out and make him want to stop sex with you, then I doubt your body as a whole is going to.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This was actually a serious request for help. Not sure why you reacted this way.


???????I dont get it......

So you would not want your hubby to be so turned on by you initiating that he would want to take you if you walked up behind him and grabbed him in the kitchen??? Makes no sense....Either you want him to have a good reaction to you initiating or not.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Yeah, We don’t do that submissive stuff. Not judging, lots of people are into that, but my husband and I are not.


You are completely missing the point.

I listed 3 ways that my wife initiates and you completely missed them.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> ???????I dont get it......
> 
> So you would not want your hubby to be so turned on by you initiating that he would want to take you if you walked up behind him and grabbed him in the kitchen??? Makes no sense....Either you want him to have a good reaction to you initiating or not.


It seemed like you were making fun of my problem by suggesting something absurd that would never happen.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It seemed like you were making fun of my problem by suggesting something absurd that would never happen.


You dont know that it would not till you do and he does. You are shooting yourself in the foot with pessimistic attitude. I missed many opportunities with my wife because i decided for her what i thought she would do, so i never acted. 

Now i have changed and if i want something, i go after it. You know what? She did not have the reaction i feared...she is always froggy if i initiate. She initiates alot more also.

Our sex life at one point was down to 3-4× month...i was ready to leave. After i changed me thinking and quit making her decision for her...we now usually are daily. She is 53 and im 49.

He may be thinking you are not interrested in more so he is holding himself back. I bet if you initiated, you would not be disappointed.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Clear and open verbal communication always helps. How many misunderstandings and missed opportunities because one or the other spouse is worried about the other's reaction


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I know about makeup. I know a lot about makeup. I’m actually really good at it, people come to me for help with makeup and hair. My friends would laugh that you said I don’t know anything about it, considering my extensive collection. 😋


That's great!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Wow, really? That seems... aggressive. I'm too shy. That sounds crazy after 17 years of marriage, I know.


print about 20 copies of this:










and hand him the stack of tickets.
he _will _get the message.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> You dont know that it would not till you do and he does. You are shooting yourself in the foot with pessimistic attitude. *I missed many opportunities with my wife because i decided for her what i thought she would do*, so i never acted.
> 
> Now i have changed and if i want something, i go after it. You know what? She did not have the reaction i feared...she is always froggy if i initiate. She initiates alot more also.
> 
> ...


This is a really good point.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Exa


TexasMom1216 said:


> This is a really good point.


Exactly! It makes you your own worse enemy. Now get in there and initiate! I am betting it will throw him for a good loop that will excite him.i told you several ways my wife does, some subtle some very direct. If he likes falling asleep spooning like i do, try wiggling that ass on his crotch. It is subtle but screams here i am, i want you to come get me!


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> Exa
> 
> Exactly! It makes you your own worse enemy. Now get in there and initiate! I am betting it will throw him for a good loop that will excite him.i told you several ways my wife does, some subtle some very direct. If he likes falling asleep spooning like i do, try wiggling that ass on his crotch. It is subtle but screams here i am, i want you to come get me!


After I’ve lost all this weight I will see how things go.


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## Vorpal (Feb 23, 2020)

Haven't seen this mentioned yet but you did say you were in your 50s. ED. I hope it's not an issue, but just because it hasn't been raised between you two--perhaps a poor choice of words--doesn't mean that isn't. As guys get older, everything that used to be limber can be stiff and everything that used to be stiff can be limber. 

When he initiates, he has a pretty good idea that he's performance ready. Either because it's not a problem, or because he's had a daddy's little helper pill. If you initiate and you get any resistance...it could be performance anxiety and depending on the guy, it's a big problem or a big problem. Good communication, understanding and a willingness to be creative will help. 

Or, so my friends have told me. LOL


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Vorpal said:


> Haven't seen this mentioned yet but you did say you were in your 50s. ED. I hope it's not an issue, but just because it hasn't been raised between you two--perhaps a poor choice of words--doesn't mean that isn't. As guys get older, everything that used to be limber can be stiff and everything that used to be stiff can be limber.
> 
> When he initiates, he has a pretty good idea that he's performance ready. Either because it's not a problem, or because he's had a daddy's little helper pill. If you initiate and you get any resistance...it could be performance anxiety and depending on the guy, it's a big problem or a big problem. Good communication, understanding and a willingness to be creative will help.
> 
> Or, so my friends have told me. LOL


My husband has heart disease. His meds (he tells me, I’m not sure) cause ED and he is already on meds for it. I’ve done some research and I’m not sure, I think it’s that I’m unattractive but I can’t say that to him because I don’t want to make his health issues about me, that seems selfish and I suppose it’s possible the meds could be the cause. He is 46 (younger than me).


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> My husband has heart disease. His meds (he tells me, I’m not sure) cause ED and he is already on meds for it. I’ve done some research and I’m not sure, I think it’s that I’m unattractive but I can’t say that to him because I don’t want to make his health issues about me, that seems selfish and I suppose it’s possible the meds could be the cause. He is 46 (younger than me).


A variety of drugs used for heart disease cause ED. Ask the pharmacist who provides the meds. You would be surprised how many drugs have a side effect of ED. His doctor should also be able to say. Most BP meds can cause ED.

If he takes Nitrates like Nitroglycerine, he cannot use either Viagra or Cialis!

He needs to see Urologist for the ED.

you csn actuslly type into a searche engine the name of a drug and “side effects” and you will see.

Sorry but the health issues sound like they are rather complex.


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## Vorpal (Feb 23, 2020)

Believe him. Be understanding. If you approach this as behavior that you resent or suspect, it will only make things worse both physically and psychologically.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> A variety of drugs used for heart disease cause ED. Ask the pharmacist who provides the meds. You would be surprised how many drugs have a side effect of ED. His doctor should also be able to say. Most BP meds can cause ED.
> 
> If he takes Nitrates like Nitroglycerine, he cannot use either Viagra or Cialis!
> 
> ...


His cardiologist is one of the best in the nation. We were very lucky to get him. His doctor sent him to a urologist for his ED meds. Yes, it’s complex, but we’re on top of it.

I would never go behind his back to his doctor to confirm what he’s told me. If I have a question I will ask him, we don’t do that to each other.

Instead I post anonymously on the internet. 🙄 But this isn’t about his heart, this is about my inadequacy.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> But this isn’t about his heart, this is about my inadequacy.


TexasMom I think you’re far from that. The interest level you show in your husband and how he responds to you, if he’s a man worthy of that he’s lucky. You’re thinking about how to make him happy, that’s a rare gift.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> You’re thinking about how to make him happy, that’s a rare gift.


Well... I'm the one thinking about asking for more so it's really about my happiness. 😉


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> His cardiologist is one of the best in the nation. We were very lucky to get him. His doctor sent him to a urologist for his ED meds. Yes, it’s complex, but we’re on top of it.
> 
> I would never go behind his back to his doctor to confirm what he’s told me. If I have a question I will ask him, we don’t do that to each other.
> 
> Instead I post anonymously on the internet. 🙄 But this isn’t about his heart, this is about my inadequacy.


This is what you wrote *"His meds (he tells me, I’m not sure) cause ED and he is already on meds for it. I’ve done some research and I’m not sure, I think it’s that I’m unattractive "*

My apologies. I couldn't tell from your post that he was already under care for side effects from cardiac treatment. And, I wasn't suggesting you go behind his back, but telling you a lot of drugs can cause ED. Which was a question implicit in the statement you wrote. *I was telling you that what he told you is true. *And, if the meds he had for ED were ok with his cardiology treatment. Some guys taking nitrates for angina might go get a prescription for max strength viagra on their own. Since you are "on top of it" not sure why you even mentioned it.

The main point of your whole thread is evidently you are convinced he doesn't find you attractive. Your self image is sabotaging your desire to initiate. Somehow you need to get those thoughts out of your head if you want to achieve your goal. And waiting until you have lost weight to "10% body fat"? Why? Several men have recounted their experiences with a wife who has gained weight, that it made no difference to their attraction for her. No matter what anyone writes, you remain convinced that your husband doesn't desire you.

Everyone here including me is trying to help you as best we know how. I am not intending to offend you, but evidently that is what has happened. My apologies.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Because I’m old and overweight and no one wants to see that. Only women under 35 or with 10% body fat can look sexy in lingerie. I need to know my limitations, I’d be so humiliated it would ruin it for both of us.


Look sister, with much love this is one of the most ridiculous things I've seen recently.

Your perception is skewed. No woman has 10% body fat .. our bodies can't function there. You lose your period around 16%, and you probably have no breasts because that's not enough body fat to provide them. Unless they're fake and then they look weird with no body fat. 

I'm an endurance athlete and see this kind of thing all the time. One woman I know has managed to starve herself to the point that her hair is falling out and her teeth are messed up....she looks terrible and no guy wants that. I bet she's around 16%.

Next, you're doing men a real disservice here. IME women are much harder on themselves then men are. Most men are happy to see naked breasts and have regular, willing sex. And you guys are bonded....you're not some bar ***** he just picked up. You're his loving wife. So give your hb some credit and put some lingerie on.

Now to the weight, which if you're unhappy with you should address. I freaking hate Peloton...much prefer my road bike. Stationary things make me feel like a hamster. But lots of people like it so maybe my opinion isn't worth much on that front 😀

But in general you don't burn as much as you think, so that's the issue. I'm 47....closer to 48.....and in perimenopause. A typical week includes 130-150 miles on the bike, 30-40 miles of running, and some weights. I have bowflex adjustable weights at home...that's enough for me. I'm 5'4, 125 pounds, and size 2-4. I'd bet my body fat is around 19-21%.

And I still don't eat that much because I can't. I pretty much never eat large meals because things add up. And I have IBS anyway so I can't process a lot at once. I had 2 chocolate chip eggos for breakfast and might have a snack in a couple of hours.

You need to up your workouts and start eating less in general. Make your meals half the size they currently are and see if you're still hungry. And stop eating after 7:00 or so....that's one of the most effective tools I've seen. Eat your fill before then.

Now before I wrap up my novel let me share something personal. My mom was one of those people that claimed she needed to lose 20-40 pounds as far back as I can remember. One day, in her 60's, I suggested she forget about it and enjoy her good health, but mentally she just couldn't let it go even though it obviously wasn't going to happen.

Well she finally did it. How you ask?

She got cancer, wasted away to nothing and has now left us. All those years wasting energy over it and look how it ended.

So give your hb some credit, put on some lingerie and go after him, and if you're unhappy with your weight get a little more hard core in your training and diet.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> She got cancer, wasted away to nothing and has now left us. *All those years wasting energy over it* and look how it ended.


If I could double like this entire post I would! OP, all of this advice is spot on, coming from someone who knows.

Especially to enjoy the life you have while here. Tomorrow is never promised to us. We are all one "bad report" away from a lot of misery and sadness.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Rus47 said:


> If I could double like this entire post I would! OP, all of this advice is spot on, coming from someone who knows.
> 
> Especially to enjoy the life you have while here. Tomorrow is never promised to us. We are all one "bad report" away from a lot of misery and sadness.


To add to my novel, my cousin (who died at 49 from complications from leukemia) was a physical therapist who specialized in geriatric therapy. He told me that women who carry an extra 10-20 pounds do much better in old age.

The very thin ones get frail and start to break things. A bit of extra weight helps with strength and bone density.

As for my mom, the poor self image was so entrenched that when she'd lose weight during her illness she'd actually be happy about it. I couldn't wrap myself around the fact that she was dying of cancer but still couldn't let the weight obsession go.

I hope OP can deal with this.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Because I’m old and overweight and no one wants to see that. Only women under 35 or with 10% body fat can look sexy in lingerie. I need to know my limitations, I’d be so humiliated it would ruin it for both of us.


Now that's not true. Your H would love seeing you in lingerie no doubt. 

Don't worry from what I read you've git the whole package; physically and great attitude!


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> To add to my novel, my cousin (who died at 49 from complications from leukemia) was a physical therapist who specialized in geriatric therapy. He told me that women who carry an extra 10-20 pounds do much better in old age.
> 
> The very thin ones get frail and start to break things. A bit of extra weight helps with strength and bone density.
> 
> ...


I've heard that too. It is healthy to carry a few extra pounds when you are older. Obviously not obese, but being a thin frail person is not the way to go.




TexasMom1216 said:


> Because I’m old and overweight and no one wants to see that. Only women under 35 or with 10% body fat can look sexy in lingerie. I need to know my limitations, I’d be so humiliated it would ruin it for both of us.


This is where you need to most help. I obviously don't know you IRL, but I suspect you are really being way to hard on yourself and not properly understanding how a happily married mans sees his wife. I'm sure you are just throwing out numbers here, but women don't go walking around with 10% BF. A professional fitness model or body builder might get down there for a short period of time for a competition, but that isn't how they spend everyday. 10% for a man is even pretty low. That is about the point where guys have well defined abs, but a woman would look like a skeleton at 10%.
This isn't perfect, but pretty good... Check out this visual chart.










I would be lying if I said I didn't have different initial levels of attraction to to those, but I find something attractive in all of them. Now, add the fact that your husband obviously loves you and is attracted to you since he is regularly initiating sex and I can guarantee he totally psyched if you were to start initiating.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I tried to quote here and did it wrong, then couldn't figure out how to delete this post. 🤪 I need more coffee.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> This is what you wrote *"His meds (he tells me, I’m not sure) cause ED and he is already on meds for it. I’ve done some research and I’m not sure, I think it’s that I’m unattractive "*
> 
> My apologies. I couldn't tell from your post that he was already under care for side effects from cardiac treatment. And, I wasn't suggesting you go behind his back, but telling you a lot of drugs can cause ED. Which was a question implicit in the statement you wrote. *I was telling you that what he told you is true. *And, if the meds he had for ED were ok with his cardiology treatment. Some guys taking nitrates for angina might go get a prescription for max strength viagra on their own. Since you are "on top of it" not sure why you even mentioned it.
> 
> ...


I didn't really mean it like that, you sounded concerned and I was trying to assure you that we are dealing with it and taking it seriously. It IS very complex, but we're getting him really good medical care so he's not in any danger. That's all I meant, I didn't think you were encouraging me to violate our trust or anything, just giving me sources for information and I was explaining that I'd feel bad doing that. I think my post had a tone I didn't intend, you don't need to apologize.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> WOW all of you mansplainers realize she didn't ask you how to lose weight right?
> 
> She asked if it was ok to initiate sex with her husband while overweight.
> 
> ...


Of course OP should initiate sex with her husband, even while overweight. 
Yes, there is a 99% likelihood that he’ll love it. Yes, even if she’s a bit overweight (assuming not morbidly obese), he probably still finds her sexually attractive and would love it if she initiates.

That said, being as healthy and attractive for your partner (and yourself) is very important in life and in a marriage. 
So, if overweight, losing weight is extremely beneficial on a number of levels, and highly recommended.

Also, as a point of feedback - anyone using the term manaplaining (or mansplainer) un-ironically may struggle to be taken seriously by a lot of folks.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> View attachment 79879


Ouch. I have quite a ways to go.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Ouch. I have quite a ways to go.


Maybe for you personally, but not for your husband. Whichever one of those pictures you are closest to seems to be just fine with your husband. Try not to be so hard on yourself.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I just learned on another thread that men don't think about their wives when they have sex, they're always thinking of someone else and just using you because you're there.


Wow that’s not even close for me. I don’t think even once I have thought of another woman when I was having sex.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> Wow that’s not even close for me. I don’t think even once I have thought of another woman when I was having sex.


But I think other women think of ME when they are having sex?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Wow that’s not even close for me. I don’t think even once I have thought of another woman when I was having sex.


 Apparently you all close your eyes, grit your teeth and pretend we're someone else and it's been happening my whole life. Thank GOD I didn't fall for it and take the advice to initiate. How utterly dehumanizing. To be used like a piece of meat is just... horrible. I don't have anything nice to say right now, I need to take a break so I don't say something awful I can't back.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I just learned on another thread that men don't think about their wives when they have sex, they're always thinking of someone else and just using you because you're there. So all of this is pretty mean-spirited when you think about it. I was clearly vulnerable and you guys were making fun of me the whole time. Just... wow. I NEVER want to hear another man claim he has feelings again.


You really went off the deep end on this. For the record, I never think of another woman when I'm with my wife.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Apparently you all close your eyes, grit your teeth and pretend we're someone else and it's been happening my whole life. Thank GOD I didn't fall for it and take the advice to initiate. How utterly dehumanizing. To be used like a piece of meat is just... horrible. I don't have anything nice to say right now, I need to take a break so I don't say something awful I can't back.


You definitely need a break. Your reaction makes zero sense, unless you've just been playing games since you joined TAM.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I just learned on another thread that men don't think about their wives when they have sex, they're always thinking of someone else and just using you because you're there. So all of this is pretty mean-spirited when you think about it. I was clearly vulnerable and you guys were making fun of me the whole time. Just... wow. I NEVER want to hear another man claim he has feelings again.


What???


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You definitely need a break. Your reaction makes zero sense, unless you've just been playing games since you joined TAM.


 I do need a break, you're completely right. My worst fears were confirmed and I'm pretty upset. Aside from that everyone has been really nice.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I just learned on another thread that men don't think about their wives when they have sex, they're always thinking of someone else and just using you because you're there. So all of this is pretty mean-spirited when you think about it. I was clearly vulnerable and you guys were making fun of me the whole time. Just... wow. I NEVER want to hear another man claim he has feelings again.


What you read on another thread is wrong! Whoever wrote that thread was not typical husband.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Apparently you all close your eyes, grit your teeth and pretend we're someone else and it's been happening my whole life. Thank GOD I didn't fall for it and take the advice to initiate. How utterly dehumanizing. To be used like a piece of meat is just... horrible. I don't have anything nice to say right now, I need to take a break so I don't say something awful I can't back.


Dont dare accuse ME of what you wrote!!! That is insulting in the extreme!!!!

Ok, done with your thread. Believe whatever you wish!!!


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Based on your reply on another thread, are you feeling a lack of confidence because your husband has or wants a girlfriend? If so, that changes your thread quite a bit.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Apparently you all close your eyes, grit your teeth and pretend we're someone else and it's been happening my whole life. Thank GOD I didn't fall for it and take the advice to initiate. How utterly dehumanizing. To be used like a piece of meat is just... horrible. I don't have anything nice to say right now, I need to take a break so I don't say something awful I can't back.


What? This makes no sense at all and is a ridiculous generalization to believe. I'm out on this thread.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

re16 said:


> Based on your reply on another thread, are you feeling a lack of confidence because your husband has or wants a girlfriend? If so, that changes your thread quite a bit.


I am not aware that he has a girlfriend. Regardless, I need to take a break. I didn't realize how hopeful this thread made me feel then something else just knocked the wind completely out of me.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

re16 said:


> What? This makes no sense at all is a ridiculous generalization to believe. I'm out on this thread.


 It's from another thread, another poster clued me in that this is what men do.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I am not aware that he has a girlfriend. Regardless, I need to take a break. I didn't realize how hopeful this thread made me feel then something else just knocked the wind completely out of me.


Remember you're just reading stuff online in a forum full of faceless strangers. You need to talk to a a trusted real life friend.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Cindywife said:


> Remember you're just reading stuff online in a forum full of faceless strangers. You need to talk to a a trusted real life friend.


Good point.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It's from another thread, another poster clued me in that this is what men do.


So you take one bitter poster generalizing to all men??!! How would it be if a man read a post as characterizing ALL wives as thinking of some other man while with their husband?? Would you be ok with being accused of doing that???


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It's from another thread, another poster clued me in that this is what men do.


It is not what real men do, but if you're the type to believe a generalization like that, you are beyond what I can help with. Good luck....


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> So you take one bitter poster generalizing to all men??!! How would it be if a man read a post as characterizing ALL wives as thinking of some other man while with their husband?? Would you be ok with being accused of doing that???


If I weren't doing it, I'd probably just tell them it's not true. The poster said men get bored and pretend their wives are anyone else. Men in real life have told me to send my husband to a strip club so he can get turned on by actual attractive women and then he'll come home, turn off all the lights and use me and I should be so grateful for that. More than one man acted like that should be enough for me, that I should be grateful for what little I get. I was crushed because I was afraid that was true and had it confirmed.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> If I weren't doing it, I'd probably just tell them it's not true. The poster said men get bored and pretend their wives are anyone else. Men in real life have told me to send my husband to a strip club so he can get turned on by actual attractive women and then he'll come home, turn off all the lights and use me and I should be so grateful for that. More than one man acted like that should be enough for me, that I should be grateful for what little I get. I was crushed because I was afraid that was true and had it confirmed.


Have you ever thought of another man during sex with your husband? Are the lights totally off? Does he go to a strip club and then come home and want sex?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

manwithnoname said:


> Have you ever thought of another man during sex with your husband? Are the lights totally off? Does he go to a strip club and then come home and want sex?


 No. Yes, of course, I'm fat. No, he doesn't go to strip clubs.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> No. Yes, of course, I'm fat. No, he doesn't go to strip clubs.


Your choice or his for the lights?


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

For the record, my wife spends a lot of time near the 45% mark as per that photo chart....I want the lights on, she wants them off. I guess she doesn't want to look at me.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Men in real life have told me to send my husband to a strip club so he can get turned on by actual attractive women and then he'll come home, turn off all the lights and use me and I should be so grateful for that.


That's ridiculous.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

manwithnoname said:


> Your choice or his for the lights?


Mine. I didn't want him to have to ask and hurt my feelings.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Cindywife said:


> That's ridiculous.


 See, I always thought so. I couldn't believe the first guy told me that, and then a couple more told me the same thing. 

It might be important to note all of those guys are divorced because their wife caught them cheating. So.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

manwithnoname said:


> For the record, my wife spends a lot of time near the 45% mark as per that photo chart....I want the lights on, she wants them off. I guess she doesn't want to look at me.


 I doubt it's that.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I doubt it's that.


That's my point....I want the lights on, she doesn't feel comfortable with her weight, so she wants the lights off. 
Your husband may want them on as well. At least dim enough as a compromise.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> See, I always thought so. I couldn't believe the first guy told me that, and then a couple more told me the same thing.
> 
> It might be important to note all of those guys are divorced because their wife caught them cheating. So.


You sound very fragile right now. Talk to female friends and family for advice. And if somebody tells you to do something that's degrading keep away from them.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It's from another thread, another poster clued me in that this is what men do.


*You chose to reply to a post I made months ago to the Opening Poster on a dead thread about a specific issue SHE had. It wasn’t about you. And I NEVER said that was true of all men but apparently it suits your agenda to think so. So spin on. *


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Men in real life have told me to send my husband to a strip club so he can get turned on by actual attractive women and then he'll come home, turn off all the lights and use me and I should be so grateful for that.


Actual attractive women?
Attractive can be a somewhat subjective term, so we should probably stick with weight. 

I think most of the folks here were giving you advice based on the idea of a wife who’s gained some weight, got a bit chubby, etc - which is usually not enough to completely turn off her husband, Even though she may feel self-conscious, and even if he’d prefer she lose some weight- he usually still wants and desires her.

Your last few posts paint a very different picture.
How fat are you?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Actual attractive women?
> Attractive can be a somewhat subjective term, so we should probably stick with weight.
> 
> I think most of the folks here were giving you advice based on the idea of a wife who’s gained some weight, got a bit chubby, etc - which is usually not enough to completely turn off her husband, Even though she may feel self-conscious, and even if he’d prefer she lose some weight- he usually still wants and desires her.
> ...


I've gained about 30 pounds. I thought I said that earlier but maybe not. Regardless, I think this thread was a mistake, not because of you guys but because if I can't handle the answer I shouldn't ask the question. There are some fun people on here that I enjoy chatting with, and I hope they can overlook how very heartbroken I was today to learn something I had hoped wasn't true and how I acted like a jerk about it. It's bad enough to be old and ugly on the outside, I should try harder to be better on the inside.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

None of this really makes sense.

If you’ve only gained 30 pounds, that’s not remotely enough (unless you’re like 4’8) to turn off most men to the point that they would find you completely unattractive and un-f-able.

So no, 30 extra pounds (while not ideal), does not make you hideous.

there’s a lot more going on here, but it’s not obvious what it is.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> None of this really makes sense.
> 
> If you’ve only gained 30 pounds, that’s not remotely enough (unless you’re like 4’8) to turn off most men to the point that they would find you completely unattractive and un-f-able.
> 
> ...


I'm also turning 50 in a month. So now you can see the issue. Even if I lose weight I won't be young again.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm also turning 50 in a month. So now you can see the issue. Even if I lose weight I won't be young again.


Neither will your husband, assuming he’s a similar age.
.
My wife and I are both closer to 50 than we are to 40 now, and I’m still highly attracted to her. She is beautiful and sexy, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

Just because you’re pushing 50 and gained a few pounds doesn’t make you unattractive or undesirable, especially to a husband that loves you. And you can always lose the weight.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You don't need to backtrack on it. You shouldn't backtrack when someone reacts to something true.


You are acting like a batshit crazy whack job, totally out of the blue. You totally went off the deep end based on a 6 month old comment to a thread that had nothing to do with you. The way that triggered you tells me you have some real issues that you need deal with. I and others have been trying to give you genuinely good advice, but now we are are just lying to help your husband bang you while thinking of someone else. Seriously, you need real life help.


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## Deepsouthdude (Feb 12, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I've gained about 30 pounds. I thought I said that earlier but maybe not. Regardless, I think this thread was a mistake, not because of you guys but because if I can't handle the answer I shouldn't ask the question. There are some fun people on here that I enjoy chatting with, and I hope they can overlook how very heartbroken I was today to learn something I had hoped wasn't true and how I acted like a jerk about it. It's bad enough to be old and ugly on the outside, I should try harder to be better on the inside.


For what it’s worth my wife is more than 30 pounds overweight (I am too) and she’s in her early 50’s and I still find her extremely attractive. I think you’re way too hard on yourself.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I've gained about 30 pounds. I thought I said that earlier but maybe not. Regardless, I think this thread was a mistake, not because of you guys but because if I can't handle the answer I shouldn't ask the question. There are some fun people on here that I enjoy chatting with, and I hope they can overlook how very heartbroken I was today to learn something I had hoped wasn't true and how I acted like a jerk about it. It's bad enough to be old and ugly on the outside, I should try harder to be better on the inside.


You're in a bad place now. Start with simple stuff to help you become more calm and steady.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm also turning 50 in a month. So now you can see the issue. Even if I lose weight I won't be young again.


So what? My wife and I are mid 60s and we're having the time of our lives, both in and out of the bedroom. You cannot turn back the clock, but you can always enjoy where you are at any stage in life.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> So what? My wife and I are mid 60s and we're having the time of our lives, both in and out of the bedroom. You cannot turn back the clock, but you can always enjoy where you are at any stage in life.


Exactly! My wife n I are in our mid 70s, also having the time of our lives. Thankful we have one another as lovers and companions and thankful for our health. As have said before, we are all just one bad medical report away from a life change, best enjoy the good while we have it.

But some people always see the worst in any situation, and can't be talked down off of the ledge no matter what. They imagine that every ache and pain is a life threatening illness. Or the husband is late from work so he must have been in a car wreck or is seeing another woman. They read someone's anonymous posting on the internet pontificating and generalize to an entire population. "All men do this", "All women do that".

BTW, if losing weight is a person's goal it can be readily accomplished regardless of age. Slow, steady, consistent life style change for life is the key. Not some fad diet for a month or two.

More that decade ago I lost 30% of my weight in a year, going from obese to normal BMI with diet (not A diet) and *exercise* because decided was tired of being the fat guy in the group. And am still at normal BMI. But just complaining about it would have accomplished nothing.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm also turning 50 in a month. So now you can see the issue. Even if I lose weight I won't be young again.


Jesus H Christ, really?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm also turning 50 in a month. So now you can see the issue. Even if I lose weight I won't be young again.


Neither will your husband. Is your husband a total hottie 10 who is sooooooooo amazing and hot both physically and personality wise that he should only be with extraordinary, young, very beautiful women?

Or, is he an average 50 year old dude? If he's an average 50 year old dude on par with your attractiveness level, why on Earth are you acting like you aren't good enough for him? 

What makes him so special that he shouldn't be with someone his own age and attractiveness level? Please answer that.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Jesus H Christ, really?


What does "cougar" symbolize? I recall when working, the single and divorce mid-20 to early 30s men actively pursued the 45-55 age women. Age was no barrier. More than one of the men said they preferred a mature female who knew what she was doing in the bedroom.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> After I’ve lost all this weight I will see how things go.


That's an excuse, a delaying tactic. Your own self image is what is killing you, not _his view_ of you and your weight. That's what several of us have been trying to tell you. The odds are he doesn't care about your body shape as much as you _think_ he does. Although I have to wonder. Didn't you say he was also on WW? I wonder if he is having similar thoughts about you not wanting him because he's too big?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Look sister, with much love this is one of the most ridiculous things I've seen recently.
> 
> Your perception is skewed. No woman has 10% body fat .. our bodies can't function there. You lose your period around 16%, and you probably have no breasts because that's not enough body fat to provide them. Unless they're fake and then they look weird with no body fat.
> 
> ...


Right! My wife is 5'04" and 150. She looks hot in her corset, g-string or crotchless, garter and stockings. Lets not forget the heels with ankle straps! Oh lord have mercy! I think i need to go home for lunch. She tried to get me to call in today! #%/&[email protected]


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Apparently you all close your eyes, grit your teeth and pretend we're someone else and it's been happening my whole life. Thank GOD I didn't fall for it and take the advice to initiate. How utterly dehumanizing. To be used like a piece of meat is just... horrible. I don't have anything nice to say right now, I need to take a break so I don't say something awful I can't back.


I think you read that wrong. 

Same here when i fantasize about a woman...it is my wife. I have been smitten for 26 yrs. No she is not the same size 1 with full C cup as when we met. She is now size 7 with DD. Love every bit too, including the baby stretch marks and c-section scars. Stretch marks and scars tell a story....men like stories.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It's from another thread, another poster clued me in that this is what men do.


They're full of ****! 

Since of all the people i know who cheated on a spouse...most were women.

So in the same sense i should believe all women fantasize about some hot guy they would rather be screwing while having sex with their hubbys.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> If I weren't doing it, I'd probably just tell them it's not true. The poster said men get bored and pretend their wives are anyone else. Men in real life have told me to send my husband to a strip club so he can get turned on by actual attractive women and then he'll come home, turn off all the lights and use me and I should be so grateful for that. More than one man acted like that should be enough for me, that I should be grateful for what little I get. I was crushed because I was afraid that was true and had it confirmed.


That is what that poster probably does. That person is totally F'ed in their head. Guys like me that are soo averse to cheating could not even do this as i consider this adultry. Same if my wife wanted to fantasize about screwing some other dude...she can carry her ass down the road.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I've gained about 30 pounds. I thought I said that earlier but maybe not. Regardless, I think this thread was a mistake, not because of you guys but because if I can't handle the answer I shouldn't ask the question. There are some fun people on here that I enjoy chatting with, and I hope they can overlook how very heartbroken I was today to learn something I had hoped wasn't true and how I acted like a jerk about it. It's bad enough to be old and ugly on the outside, I should try harder to be better on the inside.


All this stress over 30 freaking lbs?! Oh child....my wife is 53 and about 30# over. I rather have lights AND mirrors. Took me a bit to to get her out of her on obsessive mentality about weight. She likes mirrors too. She says she likes to watch Big Daddy work.

How much over is your hubby? I am 6'05" and 275 down from 312. I was 245-250 when we met. My wife likes all she see but i cant see what she sees in me, but at the same time she hates those 30 lbs but i do not give a rats ass. 

Matter of fact when she was 115-120 and on top it would grind her pubic bone into mine and it hurt like a *****. Much prefer her with some meat on her bones. I tell her i love her curves all the time. I think she is beautiful.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> What does "cougar" symbolize? I recall when working, the single and divorce mid-20 to early 30s men actively pursued the 45-55 age women. Age was no barrier. More than one of the men said they preferred a mature female who knew what she was doing in the bedroom.


Exactly, when i was 23 i was basically living with my 34 yr old divorced girlfriend. She schooled me on alot of things. Especially since i waited till i was 22 to become sexually active.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Divinely Favored said:


> They're full of ****!
> 
> Since of all the people i know who cheated on a spouse...most were women.
> 
> So in the same sense i should believe all women fantasize about some hot guy they would rather be screwing while having sex with their hubbys.


Honest disclosure: I've tried fantasizing about other men while I'm with my bf, but it didn't work because they never measured up to the hot guy that was real and with me 😊


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm also turning 50 in a month. So now you can see the issue. Even if I lose weight I won't be young again.


It is just a number. Im there in 2 months. Wife is 53. We cant wait till youngest goes to seminary in couple of years so she does not feel we have to "subdue" our activities around him. I am retiring end of Jan. so we can spend more time together and doing things together. Even when i get another job, hopefully working with her, i wont have to waste 2 hrs a day commuting to work. We both hunt. We are each others best friends.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Honest disclosure: I've tried fantasizing about other men while I'm with my bf, but it didn't work because they never measured up to the hot guy that was real and with me 😊


I could not go there i would loose it quick. Years ago i had a dream i was with another girl. No one i had ever seen. In the dream i was not married. I woke up sick with guilt feeling like i cheated. It took all day telling my self it was just a dream it was not real.

I had also had those surreal dreams of walking in on my wife and another guy and them just laughing at me. Dream or not that will screw with your head.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Divinely Favored said:


> I could not go there i would loose it quick. Years ago i had a dream i was with another girl. No one i had ever seen. In the dream i was not married. I woke up sick with guilt feeling like i cheated. It took all day telling my self it was just a dream it was not real.
> 
> I had also had those surreal dreams of walking in on my wife and another guy and them just laughing at me. Dream or not that will screw with your head.


Mostly I tried for giggles.

Now I don't bother because I have the best filet and don't want cheap ground beef polluting the atmosphere!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I'm betting OP abandons this thread although I hope not. 
@TexasMom1216 you've got to break out of the negativity loop.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> His cardiologist is one of the best in the nation. We were very lucky to get him. His doctor sent him to a urologist for his ED meds. Yes, it’s complex, but we’re on top of it.
> 
> I would never go behind his back to his doctor to confirm what he’s told me. If I have a question I will ask him, we don’t do that to each other.
> 
> Instead I post anonymously on the internet. 🙄 But this isn’t about his heart, this is about my inadequacy.


You don't have to go behind hubby's back to talk to his doctor. Tell you are doing so or want to do so. It's a legitimate concern, and the doctor might be able to explain better to you than your husband could. It's common for.spousea to know of the other's medical issues and talk with the doctors about it.



TexasMom1216 said:


> If I weren't doing it, I'd probably just tell them it's not true. The poster said men get bored and pretend their wives are anyone else. Men in real life have told me to send my husband to a strip club so he can get turned on by actual attractive women and then he'll come home, turn off all the lights and use me and I should be so grateful for that. More than one man acted like that should be enough for me, that I should be grateful for what little I get. I was crushed because I was afraid that was true and had it confirmed.


The problem is that such men actually do exist. But that is not the majority of men. Unless you have some evidence to the contrary, I really doubt that such is your husband.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Yes, of course, I'm fat.


There are many disorders out there where the person thinks themselves as much bigger than they really are. Given the obsessiveness with which you talk about how fat you are, I have to wonder if you should be evaluated for such a disorder.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I'm betting OP abandons this thread although I hope not.
> @TexasMom1216 you've got to break out of the negativity loop.


No, not abandoned. Just took a break, it was too emotional and I was all spun up out of control like a crazy person over a post on the internet. I’m smarter and stronger than that, I stepped back for some perspective and to remember I’m an adult and need to handle myself like one. They had to delete posts of mine they said were over the top, it was ridiculous. I’m still watching it, just stepped back. I’ve said more than enough I think.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Or, is he an average 50 year old dude? If he's an average 50 year old dude on par with your attractiveness level, why on Earth are you acting like you aren't good enough for


 He’s 46. And he is not at all average. He was a bodybuilder/trainer in college. He is a frat guy type, I think the Jordan Peterson’s of the world call him a “Chad.” No idea what he’s doing with such a nerd like me.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> He’s 46. And he is not at all average. He was a bodybuilder/trainer in college. He is a frat guy type, I think the Jordan Peterson’s of the world call him a “Chad.” No idea what he’s doing with such a nerd like me.


My guess would be that he likes you.

I am way less nerdy than my wife, yet we have been married over 20 years; because we like each other.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You have done a great job blaming your issues on your husband. Maybe you could take a little responsibility and look in the mirror. You need a therapist.... not a diet.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> You have done a great job blaming your issues on your husband. Maybe you could take a little responsibility and look in the mirror. You need a therapist.... not a diet.


I never blamed him for anything.

This was a mistake. There is nothing helpful here. NOW I’m abandoning the thread.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I never blamed him for anything.
> 
> This was a mistake. There is nothing helpful here. NOW I’m abandoning the thread.


OK. Just to let you know everyone has to deal with aging. The alternative is death. I'm already 50 and although I did look better in my 20's I'm still very attractive to men of all ages. Sounds like you're going thru a typical "mid-life crisis" which is painful. Give yourself time to adjust and spend your energy in better places.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

It is sad to read a person struggling so with the demons inside of their head. The "midlife crisis" can be a big deal for both genders. Mine was coming to grips with fact would never be the CEO or even C suite executive in the company worked for. Thankfully my wife dodged a crisis.

Hope TexasMom will seek out some *professional* medical and mental help IRL, because her problems if not resolved could easily sink what seems like a happy marriage to a "Chad" who loves her. It surely can't be a picnic for her husband, hard to see how he isn't experiencing some of her angst.

We never appreciate what we have until it is gone. She mentioned her husband is under care of a cardiac specialist, so he evidently has major health issues. Hope she doesn't waste the time they have left together on this planet with imaginations running through her head, we are all one moment away from unhappy times.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I never blamed him for anything.
> 
> This was a mistake. There is nothing helpful here. NOW I’m abandoning the thread.


If you don't hang around to gain some outside perspectives here, please continue to talk to others that support you. Or both.
Best wishes.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Cindywife said:


> OK. Just to let you know everyone has to deal with aging. The alternative is death. I'm already 50 and although I did look better in my 20's I'm still very attractive to men of all ages. Sounds like you're going thru a typical "mid-life crisis" which is painful. Give yourself time to adjust and spend your energy in better places.


Midlife crisis suck! 

I went through one at 39. I felt everything was ugly about myself. My figure, my hair, my eyes. I was not ready to age. I looked myself in the mirror and saw a bunch of flaws. I became insecure. Other women my age were taller, blond, with perfect hair and eyes. My husband was so confused. I was confused. 

The crisis passed. Looking back I feel so stupid for thinking my youth was over. I drove my husband crazy. I drove myself crazy with my unfounded insecurities. 

I think everyone goes through some type of midlife crisis at least once in a lifetime. The meaning of youth and beauty changes with age. 

If you think it's too much, you can always ask your Dr. to refer you to a counselor. You can get some anxiety meds if it's too much. There's no shame in asking for help. I think it's not worth it to spend your days full of insecurities and anxiety.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> Midlife crisis suck!
> 
> I went through one at 39. I felt everything was ugly about myself. My figure, my hair, my eyes. I was not ready to age. I looked myself in the mirror and saw a bunch of flaws. I became insecure. Other women my age were taller, blond, with perfect hair and eyes. My husband was so confused. I was confused.
> 
> ...


I started to go thru a mid-life crisis in my late 20's. It was drummed into my head that once a woman hits 30 her best years are over. At 50, I'm finally starting to look at society different. I find all the commercialism targeted at women is an excellent way of separating women from their money. I have a ton of makeup and beauty products that I don't even use.

Life is so much more than if a guy thinks you're sexy or not.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Rus47 said:


> *So you take one bitter poster *generalizing to all men??!! How would it be if a man read a post as characterizing ALL wives as thinking of some other man while with their husband?? Would you be ok with being accused of doing that???


That poster is not bitter. All of you guys negatively commenting on a post that you have not bothered to actually read is patently unfair to the poster who made the comment. It is not as has been portrayed. 

Please stop maligning a poster who offers good, reasoned advice.


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## Bildoo (Sep 16, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> You're already showing you'll do fine, gaining more info as you're doing is always helpful and the fact you are is a great sign.
> 
> Just keep an open mind, meaning even if you think an action might be too forward, it might not really be. You two are married, so very little is out of bounds when trying different things in good spirits.
> 
> You can do it! 👍👍🙂🙂


Married 48 years and some things are still out of bounds. Trying different things is not in her wheelhouse. She shyly talks a semi-good dame but always drops the ball. I‘ve grown used to the disappointment.


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## Bildoo (Sep 16, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> My wife is 30 lbs heavier than when we met. She has a bit of a belly with stretch marks. I see the woman i married there also. When i see the loose skin and stretch marks...i see the woman that wanted to carry my children...i see what she gladly endured to bring us 2 children...at 33 and 38. Sll those stretch marks and loose skin and extra weight says to me I Love You.


Bless you.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Bildoo said:


> Bless you.


The Lord has blessed me. With my wife.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> The Lord has blessed me. With my wife.


Same here!


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