# Recovering from D - Harder than I thought



## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

My divorce was final on July 17th. We separated on January 10th. So we went from separation to the big D pretty quickly. He was in a relationship beginning in February with the woman he was screwing around with. They are now a public couple and he is introducing her to his folks this week and wants to introduce her to my daughter. It shouldn't sting but it stings like hell.

I am going through a lot of different emotions: anger, hate, regret, sorrow. I can't even imagine how I could start a new relationship. And after 14 years of marriage I am so surprised by how swiftly he has moved on.

He wants to be friends. I told him no. I need the peace of not having him in my life. But it shocks me to know that he feels so coldly towards me in a loving way that he could see me as a friend. I guess it really drives the knife in that he checked out of the marriage WAY before I knew it.

Is it terrible that I want all of it to blow up in his face? I hope the OW goes back to the husband and kids she left for mine.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Hi Unsure,

No, I don't think there is anything wrong with hoping his new flame leaves just as long as you do nothing to make that happen. Let it naturally run its course. They say the worst thing you can do is run into the arms of another before figuring out yourself.

Only time heals and at different rates for everyone. Tough stuff to hear but true none the less.

Try not to focus on what he is doing and focus more on yourself. See your divorce as an opportunity for a better way of life.

There are a lot of good people here with many different stories. Stick around and vent or just read along. It does get better.

Shoeguy


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## 2much2soon (Jul 26, 2012)

Unsure2621 said:


> My divorce was final on July 17th. We separated on January 10th. So we went from separation to the big D pretty quickly. He was in a relationship beginning in February with the woman he was screwing around with. They are now a public couple and he is introducing her to his folks this week and wants to introduce her to my daughter. It shouldn't sting but it stings like hell.
> 
> I am going through a lot of different emotions: anger, hate, regret, sorrow. I can't even imagine how I could start a new relationship. And after 14 years of marriage I am so surprised by how swiftly he has moved on.
> 
> ...



He obviously isn't the "prize", you are. Heal yourself. Love yourself and watch what comes your way.


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## frigginlost (Oct 5, 2011)

Unsure2621 said:


> My divorce was final on July 17th. We separated on January 10th. So we went from separation to the big D pretty quickly. He was in a relationship beginning in February with the woman he was screwing around with. They are now a public couple and he is introducing her to his folks this week and wants to introduce her to my daughter. It shouldn't sting but it stings like hell.
> 
> I am going through a lot of different emotions: anger, hate, regret, sorrow. I can't even imagine how I could start a new relationship. And after 14 years of marriage I am so surprised by how swiftly he has moved on.
> 
> ...


Wow. Flip your ex husband for my ex wife, and we are pretty much in the same boat. Lightning fast divorce with really no time to absorb it. I can totally relate to how you feel your ex is so far ahead of where you are at. My ex is as well and I am just now starting to get to the point she was at when she walked.

And yes I feel the exact feelings toward my ex as you do toward your ex.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

I think your feelings are normal. I had a friend tell me once that he wouldn't mind if his ex-wife accidently fell into a wood chipper. Of course he really doesn't feel that way all the time, but he did then and it made him feel better to imagine it. 

I agree, work on you and love yourself...


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Gotta maintain contact with the ex, because the daughter is involved. Marriage went from calling me soulmate one month, to "ILYBNILWY" the next. Divorce, I move out, she visits her bf right across the street from my new house, and eventually moves him in 3 months after I move out. (why do I like telling that story? Because of how fked up it is?) 

And all the while there was no time to heal anything. No time off. Work, kids schedule, drop off pickup at the old marital home,, with HIS b.s. stuff everywhere and his moms pictures hung on the wall.

I dont even know that woman anymore that stood as my wife for sixteen years. Shes changed her entire personna to "Have" something in common with this guy shes moved in. 

Out with the old, in with the new eh? Well, thats my motto too, beeyaatch..


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

Shoo that is pretty much my story too. He went from posting on his FB wall about how I am his soul to telling he had been fighting leaving me for years. When I asked him why he continued to profess his love for me - in great detail - he said it was just to keep me off of his back. Talk about a gut punch.

There was no time or chance for us to heal anything either. Even with the knowledge that he was with another woman I tried to get him to go to marriage counseling to save the marriage. He refused and very clearly told me that he would never come back to me.

He went from living in a beautiful 3 BR house with my daughter and I to living in a trailer with his new g/f OW. And the kicker - she left her husband and 3 kids behind. The oldest of her 3 children is special needs.

I'm leaving out the wonderful details about his ghost hunting obsession but I am sure I will rant some more about that eventually too.

My daughter now says that 'Dad is dead' because he has changed himself completely. New earring, long hair, lame ass hats. Acting like a 16 year old kid.

So he's happy and I'm stuck holding the emotional baggage. To say I would like to see him fall into a wood chipper is an under statement.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Those emotions are totally normal. You are grieving the death of our marriage! 

They just want to be "happy" and destroy many lives around them in the process. However, the kind of happiness that they seek will never be obtained as it's always.......within.


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

Thanks Corpus. I think I am placing too many expectations on myself that I should already be over it. I know that isn't the case - it's only been 6 months since he left for goodness sakes. But looking at him and seeing how quickly he has moved on makes it hard. It quite frankly pisses me off because here he is happy in another "relationship" and I am still holding the torch. 

Everyone keeps giving me the same advice. Ignore him and just focus and work on yourself. So far I think I am doing pretty good. I close on a new house on the 31st - and start my Master's degree on Monday. But everytime I think I am rolling ahead and get that old sting of betrayal. And ask myself how it's possible that I spent 14 years of my life with someone who cared so little for me.

I know that when it's all said and done I will be a happier and stronger person - I guess I just wish I could speed the process up. And I still hope he falls flat on his face - I wish I could speed that process up too. : )


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