# Is too much time together bad for a relationship



## hlmartin (Jun 19, 2010)

My husband works from home and I am also at home with my children. We are always together. I feel like this has had a negative affect on our relationship. I can't stand to be around him anymore because he irritates me so much. I feel like such a b*tch, because I am always complaining about all of his annoying habits. I feel that if he worked outside of the home, these things wouldn't bother me so much because I wouldn't have to put up with them 24\7. 
I don't want to spend any time with him anymore, I just want to do my own thing. I feel that if he worked outside of the home, I would have a chance to miss him. As the say, "absence makes the heart grow fonder." I think that I would enjoy spending time with him if I wasn't around him all day, and had some of my own time and space. 

Has anyone else had this experience, are my feelings legitimate?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I think it depends on the couple. My mom and dad work together, and so pretty much their only breaks from each other is if they go to the bathroom. They love it and are each other's best friend and get along great. My boyfriend is a truck driver, and rarely home. I wish we had more time together, but not like my parents. I'd go nuts if I was with him 24/7. I'd like to see him everyday, but not all day every day. I think your feelings are legit. You need some alone time, and there's nothing wrong with that. Having a chance to miss him does do great things. I miss my boyfriend while he's gone, and so when he's home, I want to do things for him, like cook him his favorite meals, do his laundry, etc. that I might not be as enthusiastic about doing if he was here all the time. 

Have you sat down and told him that you need some alone time? Or even suggest that you both need some alone time. You might be surprised to find that he feels the same way you do. Regardless, there's nothing wrong with feeling that way, and I would just tell him how you feel and see what you can work out. Depending on what he does and what he needs to do it, if he has a laptop and cell phone, maybe he could leave for a couple of hours every day and do his work somewhere else? Or you could take the kids to the park or something. Or if you have an extra room, maybe make that his office and have him stay in there while he's working, so that it kind of feels like he's gone to the office. That's all I can think of off the top of my head.


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## strawberry (Jun 21, 2010)

my husband works from home and i don't have a problem with it. he helps with the chores (sometimes but a little bit helps) and the kids loves that dad is there when they need him. i feel save and secure when he's around. he does have some annoying habits and its like having another kid to look after sometimes. all in all, you have to weight your pros and cons. figure out what is more important to you. decide then talk to him about it.


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## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

thats a green ass strawberry


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## KNA2009 (Jun 24, 2010)

There's no right answer here because you have to do what works for the two of you. There is unhealthy and healthy behavior though. Like just resenting each one another when one is unhappy with a situation, i.e. your living arrangements. Don't keep it bottled up and secretly "hate him". When I got married one important aspect that I had incorporated into our vows was that we come together as separate beings leading separate life's with separate friends and family to be joined together as one maintaining our individuality. I say that to share with you that, that was what we wanted for our relationship and ironically we do the opposite and happen to be two people who spend as much time together as possible unfortunately neglecting our friends and family (they understand). But for you things are different. It seems like you yearn to acquire your own 'personalness' back again. You could as another poster suggested express your feelings to him in a non-hurtful way and attempt to come to a resolution. I'm sure he can't change his job nor can you relocate your children all day but you both may be able to have a break from each other like the park, museum or on weekends have time with your friends while one hangs back with the kiddies. Get a hobby and indulge in it so heavily that you almost forget the other is around like gardening, arts & crafts and so on.


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## strawberry (Jun 21, 2010)

Harvard said:


> thats a green ass strawberry


really u think so? i like my green ass strawberry picture. :smthumbup: 

but it works for me. 10 yrs now. no complain. happy except for that one thing.


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## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

what does a green strawberry mean to you vs. a nice ripe delicious red one? The green one is Not Ripe, Not mature, tastes bad, hard to the touch and can give you an upset stomach...:scratchhead:

By the way HLMARTIN, not to ignore you but I believe in a healthy balance of ME time, FFRIEND time and COUPLE time. If you feel over whelmed with COUPLE time you may want to substitute with one of the others.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Harvard said:


> what does a green strawberry mean to you vs. a nice ripe delicious red one? The green one is Not Ripe, Not mature, tastes bad, hard to the touch and can give you an upset stomach...:scratchhead:
> 
> By the way HLMARTIN, not to ignore you but I believe in a healthy balance of ME time, FFRIEND time and COUPLE time. If you feel over whelmed with COUPLE time you may want to substitute with one of the others.


So what if one of the couple, due to their perceptions of their problems, determines the time spent together with only some thought given to the other's hopes/dreams? 

Ref. strawberry.... so glad someone else made the green ass comment to save me getting tarnished with a critical brush!!!


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

hlmartin said:


> Has anyone else had this experience, are my feelings legitimate?


Personally, I don't think your feelings are legitimate. I think it's inconsiderate and borders selfishness. Your husband has a dream job, as I imagine most people would love to be able to work at home to support their family. Others have suggested you share your feelings with him but if I were he, I'd be offended if you said something like that to me and resentful that you begrudge me being I don't know what you expect me to do about it. I wouldn't want to have to take an outside job anyway. 

I think it would be a better idea if you went elsewhere, maybe take a job yourself since you can't stand being around your husband, not that you told us about his annoying habits that bother you so much. 

Or, I suggest talking to him about those annoying habits, depending on what they of course. I'm afraid to know what they are. But the last thing I think you should do is tell him you don't like him working from home or that you want personal time and space alone. Something like that is your problem and is up to you to take care of. It is not his responsibility to provide you with that and have to find something to do and somewhere else to go throughout his day. I'd tell you to get over yourself if you expected me to do that.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> maybe he could leave for a couple of hours every day and do his work somewhere else?


Ask him to leave and do his work someplace else???



atruckersgirl said:


> Or if you have an extra room, maybe make that his office and have him stay in there while he's working, so that it kind of feels like he's gone to the office.


Expect him to imprison himself in one room of his own house???


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It's called compromise, Susan. I didn't tell her to order him to leave, or say that she should lock him up. I suggested some options that would help her get the break she seems to need from him. Perhaps you enjoy being up your spouse's butt all day, and vice versa, but some people do need a little time apart. It's not the horrible, evil thing you make it out to be. Heck, I just found out my boyfriend is going to be home with me indefinitely, and I'm a little nervous as to how we're going to do with that much time together.


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## strawberry (Jun 21, 2010)

Harvard said:


> what does a green strawberry mean to you vs. a nice ripe delicious red one? The green one is Not Ripe, Not mature, tastes bad, hard to the touch and can give you an upset stomach...:scratchhead:
> 
> By the way HLMARTIN, not to ignore you but I believe in a healthy balance of ME time, FFRIEND time and COUPLE time. If you feel over whelmed with COUPLE time you may want to substitute with one of the others.


red doesn't mean its delicious. it could be tasteless and sour just like you.


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## strawberry (Jun 21, 2010)

madimoff said:


> So what if one of the couple, due to their perceptions of their problems, determines the time spent together with only some thought given to the other's hopes/dreams?
> 
> Ref. strawberry.... so glad someone else made the green ass comment to save me getting tarnished with a critical brush!!!


too bad you didn't. you ought to be banned.


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## hlmartin (Jun 19, 2010)

I want to be a SAHM, and my H wants me to be a SAHM. We believe it's in the best interest of our children that I remain at home with them, at least until they are in school. We have pretty classical views of home structure. I am the homemaker and my H is the bread winner. The biggest problem is that with my H and I both being at home, our roles as wife\mother and husband\father get crossed. I feel as a SAHM, the care of the home and children is my domain and should be under my charge. But my husband is naturally a control-type, and he tries to order my day and tell me how to take care of the home and the kids. Some quick examples of things that I hear from him are: "you should take the kids outside now", "don't you think you should do the laundry today?" I don't do things the way that my H thinks they should be done. Like with the laundry, he thinks that when there is enough dirty clothes for one load of laundry, I should do it. I, however, prefer to wait until there are several loads of laundry and do it all at the same time. 

This is what irritates me. I get tired of being told what to do, when to do it. I am perfectly capable of cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids. When my H is away for a few days for work, I am able to take care of things just fine by myself. I know that my H trusts my ability to take care of things. But, I think working from home mixed with his personality causes this. If he wasn't home to see what I was doing, he wouldn't be able to do this. He would come home to a clean house with supper on the table and it wouldn't matter how I went about my day because in the end things were taken care of. And then there are other little things that irritate me, everyone has annoying habits...Probably most of them are insignificant, and things that I know I can learn to live with. I just think it would be easier to accept them, if I could have a break from them. 

I have never been the type of person who likes to be around other people all the time. I need to have my own personal space and privacy. That is just my personality. Being at home with my H all the time, I really don't get much of that. We don't spend much quality time together, because I jump at every chance to have my own personal time. So, at the end of the day, when the kids are in bed and my husband isn't working, I prefer to do my own thing rather than spend time with him. We are always together, so I don't feel like I miss him, and look forward to spending time with him.

We have talked a lot about this. And my H understands my need. By finding a job outside of the home, he is not giving up his "dream job." For many reasons, not just this, he has decided to go to law school. So, starting in September he will be in school. We both feel that the separation will be good for our relationship.


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## hlmartin (Jun 19, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> Personally, I don't think your feelings are legitimate. I think it's inconsiderate and borders selfishness. Your husband has a dream job, as I imagine most people would love to be able to work at home to support their family. Others have suggested you share your feelings with him but if I were he, I'd be offended if you said something like that to me and resentful that you begrudge me being I don't know what you expect me to do about it. I wouldn't want to have to take an outside job anyway.
> 
> I think it would be a better idea if you went elsewhere, maybe take a job yourself since you can't stand being around your husband, not that you told us about his annoying habits that bother you so much.
> 
> Or, I suggest talking to him about those annoying habits, depending on what they of course. I'm afraid to know what they are. But the last thing I think you should do is tell him you don't like him working from home or that you want personal time and space alone. Something like that is your problem and is up to you to take care of. It is not his responsibility to provide you with that and have to find something to do and somewhere else to go throughout his day. I'd tell you to get over yourself if you expected me to do that.


I love how you feel that you can judge me when you don't know either my H or me, and very little details of our relationship. I expected to find support here, not someone to tear me down and label me as "inconsiderate" and "selfish"


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## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

strawberry, you think someone should be banned or that we are tastless and sour because of our opinion? 

I think we all understand why you have a GREEN strawberry instead of a real picture of yourself on here for 10 years....lympic1:


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Madame, what you wrote was inconsiderate and selfish. I'm sorry if you only wanted people to confirm you, but I am not the one. You did, however, write again with a better understanding, which was nothing at all like your original post. 

Concerning your second post, you need to be able to put this problem into context so that you have your own understanding and are able to convey to others the proper perspective on things. This isn't necessarily about the two of you spending too much time together. It is about his controlling and disrespectful nature. NO ONE would want him around them at all EVER, much less all day long. So from the information you gave us and the way you presented it, every one of your responses were way off the mark. As it turns out and as I can now see, this is not about compromise; it is not about telling him you want personal space and time away from him; it is not about you being selfish and inconsiderate. It is about telling him to SHUT THE HELL UP! It is about standing up for yourself and making him understand he is not your father. It is about not allowing him to get away with treating you like this and bossing you around as if he is your father. Therefore, I sure do hope you do not do and jump as he commands.

For future reference, please understand we need to know what the problem is, and that often means providing some details when you post. Otherwise, you convey the wrong message entirely and give people the wrong idea. It is insane for someone to suggest he compromise by leaving the house to do his work elsewhere. It makes no sense to tell somebody to express their feelings to their husband that means asking him to imprison himself in one room of his own home. Do you see how ridiculous that is? Do you see how selfish it would be? And do you see how that member had the wrong idea because you gave her the wrong impression? Can you see how you gave me the wrong impression and all of us? You did not give us any idea of the real problem that is going on. What you gave us was the way you felt as an end result of the problem, which came off as being something way out from left field.

Another thing is the title of your thread and the way you composed your message around it. Some people replied to say they can't imagine spending too much time with their significant other. But your problem is not about spending too much time. For example, if he were delightful to be around, you likely would not have a complaint and would enjoy having him home all day. But he is not delightful. He is in fact a tyrant, which makes you scramble to get away from him, like anyone would. He makes you not want him around by his behavior in treating you so disrespectfully.

What you need is marriage counseling so the two of you can get a grip on what is going on in your marriage. Personally, this is something I would handle myself, but I don't expect everyone is as abrasive as I am. If you don't do something about this, you will become resentful and sick and tired of being married to him. No one lives with disrespect and comes out unscathed. Divorce is in your future unless you seek help now. You NEED to make him understand he has to stop doing this. Instead, you seem to be giving him the wrong impression also. I cannot be certain he has idea of how disrespectful he is being to you. The only message I can see you are giving him is that you need time away from him. Please get counseling so you are able to identify the root of the problem because time away from him is not what you need. That will not solve anything. Time away from him will only provide that you are not tormented for those few hours. What you need is for him to learn he is not your father. What you need is for him to learn to respect you.

I also think you should seek individual counseling to help you deal with your feelings that his mistreatment inevitably produces. You don't want to be around husband because of the way he treats you. But spending time apart does not address the problem. It just gets you away from him so you are not under his constant scrutiny, judgmental, demanding, and controlling nature. You need to be able to identify and address the problem, so you can work through your feelings and not become resentful of your husband. You already resent him. You just don't recognize it as that.


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## strawberry (Jun 21, 2010)

Harvard said:


> strawberry, you think someone should be banned or that we are tastless and sour because of our opinion?
> 
> I think we all understand why you have a GREEN strawberry instead of a real picture of yourself on here for 10 years....lympic1:


:lol: can't you read?? :lol:

i didn't say all of you. i am just saying YOU are. and i just join in case you missed it. and think before you say something. why would a person not put a pic. of herself? this is not "match.com" doh!

p/s in the event you didn't know this: my answer is NO. it is not bad to spend a lot of time with your spouse.


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## hlmartin (Jun 19, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> Madame, what you wrote was inconsiderate and selfish. I'm sorry if you only wanted people to confirm you, but I am not the one. You did, however, write again with a better understanding, which was nothing at all like your original post.
> 
> Concerning your second post, you need to be able to put this problem into context so that you have your own understanding and are able to convey to others the proper perspective on things. This isn't necessarily about the two of you spending too much time together. It is about his controlling and disrespectful nature. NO ONE would want him around them at all EVER, much less all day long. So from the information you gave us and the way you presented it, every one of your responses were way off the mark. As it turns out and as I can now see, this is not about compromise; it is not about telling him you want personal space and time away from him; it is not about you being selfish and inconsiderate. It is about telling him to SHUT THE HELL UP! It is about standing up for yourself and making him understand he is not your father. It is about not allowing him to get away with treating you like this and bossing you around as if he is your father. Therefore, I sure do hope you do not do and jump as he commands.
> 
> ...


I am new to this forum, and am seeking to receive help and support in my marriage. I am not asking for anyone to "confirm" my thoughts...hence the reason why I asked in my original post if my feelings were legitimate. I do however, expect people to be kind and respectful in their answers. I am trying to explain my situation the best that I can. Perhaps, if you're so experienced in this, you should have asked for more details of my situation before you jumped to conclusions.

As to what you wrote, my H is not some sort of evil tyrant. It's part of his personality. In ways, it's beneficial because it makes him very independent, and and excellent leader. But in other ways, it's not. We all have personality flaws. We have discussed this issue, and my H doesn't view himself as being controlling. He says he trusts me, and I can see that he does because when he is away from home for a few days for work, he never questions what I did while he was gone. I don't think he intentionally tries to control me. Nonetheless, it still irritates me. I am trying to find a solution, and wondering if that solution is him working outside of the home. Maybe it is just difficult for him to not take charge because of his personality, and if he didn't work at home he wouldn't be able to do that. 

And yes, it is also an issue of us being around each other all the time. Like I stated in my previous post, I am the type of person who needs their own personal space and privacy. So having my H in that space all the time irritates me. I don't think I titled my thread wrong.


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## strawberry (Jun 21, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> Madame, what you wrote was inconsiderate and selfish. I'm sorry if you only wanted people to confirm you, but I am not the one. You did, however, write again with a better understanding, which was nothing at all like your original post.
> 
> Concerning your second post, you need to be able to put this problem into context so that you have your own understanding and are able to convey to others the proper perspective on things. This isn't necessarily about the two of you spending too much time together. It is about his controlling and disrespectful nature. NO ONE would want him around them at all EVER, much less all day long. So from the information you gave us and the way you presented it, every one of your responses were way off the mark. As it turns out and as I can now see, this is not about compromise; it is not about telling him you want personal space and time away from him; it is not about you being selfish and inconsiderate. It is about telling him to SHUT THE HELL UP! It is about standing up for yourself and making him understand he is not your father. It is about not allowing him to get away with treating you like this and bossing you around as if he is your father. Therefore, I sure do hope you do not do and jump as he commands.
> 
> ...


i agree. i def. do not want my husband telling me how to be a "proper" wife. you are not a stepford wife. thank goodness my husband don't do that!.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I restrained myself because this I want to say is not my business and is not anything you posted about, but I feel compelled to put it out there anyway. Take it as you will, but I hope you take it as food for thought.

The type of person you describe your husband to be does not normally find respect for their wives. Although I suggested counseling, it usually does not work long term. He might behave himself nicely for a while but then find other ways to express his disrespect. He NEEDS to be able to hail himself superior. This type of man does not wake up until his wife walks out the door. At that point, he is totally clueless for the reasons that she left. No matter the counseling they received, no matter her repeated appeals, no matter how many times she expressed her disdain for his disrespect, this type of man is shocked to his shoes when she leaves and without fail, he says "I didn't know there were any problems in our marriage." Through it all, he never gets the message. He just wants to continue to be controlling, disrespectful, and superior. In the end, he is clueless and still never gets the message. But when she leaves, he is suddenly willing to change. Usually, it is too late.

Here is some information about his disrespectful nature. You will find him under "Controlling Behavior." No doubt you will recognize him under other categories that concern behaviors you did not tell us about.

You already want time away from him as a result of the way he makes you feel. What will you do when you become sick and tired of him? When you become so fed up and want him out of your life, how will you go about obtaining your freedom? 

The structure of your life is fine and dandy in theory, but you already do not recognize things as they truly are. That statement was not meant to offend you. It was simply an observation of your thread here on this board. And, it was meant as an appeal to your better judgment. I don't know your personal information. For all I know, you are a wealthy woman. On this outside, it seems you are structuring your life so that you are dependent on him for your bread and butter and the roof over your head. Being a SAHM is great, but you cannot foretell the future. And the fact is, more than half of all marriages end in divorce. Yours is not exempt and is not protected by some mysterious guardian angel. So what happens when you are fed up with him? What happens when you no longer want some time away from him but want to get away from him. Will you be posting on marriage forums to say "I cannot leave. I have no money. I have nowhere to go" like so many other women do? Or will you begin now to prepare yourself. In other words, he is not the one who should be going to school this fall. You are.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

hlmartin said:


> I am new to this forum, and am seeking to receive help and support in my marriage. I am not asking for anyone to "confirm" my thoughts...hence the reason why I asked in my original post if my feelings were legitimate. I do however, expect people to be kind and respectful in their answers. I am trying to explain my situation the best that I can. Perhaps, if you're so experienced in this, you should have asked for more details of my situation before you jumped to conclusions.


hahahahaha!!!!!!!!! You must be kidding me! Looks like you are two of a kind and you deserve each other. I would delete my posts since there is obviously no help for you, but they just might help someone else.


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## strawberry (Jun 21, 2010)

hlmartin,

after reading your new post. my younger brother is just like that. i told him (if budget allows) to rent a small office space or (if you have enough land) put in a large storage building (the one that looks like a mini house) install water line for coffee and etc. make it his man pad. make it cozy and relaxing where he wants to be in there. good investment.


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## KNA2009 (Jun 24, 2010)

What in the heck is wrong with you people? hlmartin don't listen to them. 

@ Susan you should be ashamed of yourself for posting such negative commentary. First your comments were so damn long I lost interest after the first chapter in your Stephen King novel. And they were way off damn base. I didn't get an impression that he was controlling and abusive I just got just what she said. He just interferes which I think would be something you couldn't help if your sitting there watching someone do something that you may think you have a better method. All hlmartin has to do is just say "I've got this one honey" or "let me hump this doggie honey." or just ignore his behind and keep right on doing what your doing. 

It was so silly for everyone to post such useless nonsense. I was reading this thread and jumped up to respond b/c I wanted to bop Susan on the nose. Reread my post hlmartin and take from it only what makes sense for you and what you can use. I wish you luck and know that your feelings are what they are your feelings and you are entitled to them. It's just how you approach a conversation with your H to express them in a way that is healthy, loving, and productive. The end goal here is to be comfortable and happy. And keep in mind that happiness is an attitude not a circumstance.

P.S. No one should be predicting divorce for no one. 
P.P.S. why don't I get that damn analogy about the strawberry


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

KNA2009, maybe you are as shallow as she is. But hey, it is her life and her problem. I am not the one who can't stand being around my husband. And I'm not the one who cannot recognize disrespect when it slaps me in the face on a daily basis.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Gah, people this is a discussion board. 

HLMARTIN you should next expect everyone to have the same opinion. Because honestly every one of us is just guessing at a situation and putting out there what we each think. Just because Susan had an opinion that wasn't a popular one doesn't mean she's being nasty to you. You took that as a personal attack because you didn't like what she said. It may have been totally off base, and it may have had a bit of truth to it as well. I don't know, only you know for sure HL. Everything we give here are semi-educated guesses at best based on our own experience.

I've been on the boards a little while now and honestly I have a good amount of respect for Susan. I don't always agree with her, and I think she can be a bit rough at times. But, she is brutally honest and will tell you what she thinks even IF it's not popular. I've seen I can at least trust that she's not just placating someone to make them feel better, but telling them what she feels they need to hear.


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## hlmartin (Jun 19, 2010)

Crypsys, I don't expect everyone to have the same opinion. I have no problem with Susan's opinion, just how she said it. I think perhaps she could try to be a little more considerate in her posts. She has confirmed my thoughts even more by labeling me as "shallow" after reading only 3 of my posts. Is that not being judgmental?


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## strawberry (Jun 21, 2010)

Crypsys said:


> Gah, people this is a discussion board.
> 
> HLMARTIN you should next expect everyone to have the same opinion. Because honestly every one of us is just guessing at a situation and putting out there what we each think. Just because Susan had an opinion that wasn't a popular one doesn't mean she's being nasty to you. You took that as a personal attack because you didn't like what she said. It may have been totally off base, and it may have had a bit of truth to it as well. I don't know, only you know for sure HL. Everything we give here are semi-educated guesses at best based on our own experience.
> 
> I've been on the boards a little while now and honestly I have a good amount of respect for Susan. I don't always agree with her, and I think she can be a bit rough at times. But, she is brutally honest and will tell you what she thinks even IF it's not popular. I've seen I can at least trust that she's not just placating someone to make them feel better, but telling them what she feels they need to hear.


KNA... yup what he says. its just my personal experience and suggestion. some may agree or disagree. we are all not exactly alike and that goes for lifestyle.


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## hlmartin (Jun 19, 2010)

KNA2009 said:


> I didn't get an impression that he was controlling and abusive I just got just what she said. He just interferes which I think would be something you couldn't help if your sitting there watching someone do something that you may think you have a better method.
> 
> 
> Yes KNA2009, this is exactly the way I feel! Thank goodness someone understands what I'm trying to say!
> ...


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## hlmartin (Jun 19, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> I restrained myself because this I want to say is not my business and is not anything you posted about, but I feel compelled to put it out there anyway. Take it as you will, but I hope you take it as food for thought.
> 
> The type of person you describe your husband to be does not normally find respect for their wives. Although I suggested counseling, it usually does not work long term. He might behave himself nicely for a while but then find other ways to express his disrespect. He NEEDS to be able to hail himself superior. This type of man does not wake up until his wife walks out the door. At that point, he is totally clueless for the reasons that she left. No matter the counseling they received, no matter her repeated appeals, no matter how many times she expressed her disdain for his disrespect, this type of man is shocked to his shoes when she leaves and without fail, he says "I didn't know there were any problems in our marriage." Through it all, he never gets the message. He just wants to continue to be controlling, disrespectful, and superior. In the end, he is clueless and still never gets the message. But when she leaves, he is suddenly willing to change. Usually, it is too late.
> 
> ...


I already have some education...I am a registered holistic nutritional consultant. It's my choice to be a SAHM...not something my H has forced on me. My H is perfectly fine with me working outside of the home. He is supportive of me furthering my education, and pursuing my dream of building my own holistic nutrition business. These are some of my goals after my children are in school. Part of the reason he is going back to school, is because his previous job was very stressful for me. We had to move every 1-2 years, I was far away from my family, etc. He is doing this to give our family a better life. It is not his "dream job" to be a lawyer, but he knows it will be a better life for our family. He is considering me and our children, and putting us first.

By the way, checked out that link. Sorry to disappoint, but my H's behaviour doesn't fall into any of those categories. 

I do not pretend that my marriage is exempt from divorce. Why do you think I'm here on this forum, to learn ways to improve my marriage and PROTECT it from divorce. I don't want to become another statistic.


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## hlmartin (Jun 19, 2010)

susan, if your perspective has done nothing else, it's allowed me to see my H in a better light. So, thanks!


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

hlmartin said:


> Not everyone is meant to be glued to their spouse's side. Some couples who have been married for years and have a happy marriage, after retirement, find that one needs to go out and get another job because they cannot stand to be together all the time.


I personally have a hard time understanding that from my point of view. I wouldn't want to be married to someone I couldn't spend all of my time around them. I guess coming from my point of view why be married in the first place if that person isn't someone you want to be your best friend, lover, etc? I have friends, and I do go out with them sometimes, although very rarely without my wife. We both would rather spend time together then apart. 

But then again, we are all different, so that's just my perspective.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Crypsys said:


> I personally have a hard time understanding that from my point of view. I wouldn't want to be married to someone I couldn't spend all of my time around them. I guess coming from my point of view why be married in the first place if that person isn't someone you want to be your best friend, lover, etc? I have friends, and I do go out with them sometimes, although very rarely without my wife. We both would rather spend time together then apart.
> 
> But then again, we are all different, so that's just my perspective.


I'm not the OP, so I can't speak for her, but from my perspective, it's not that I don't WANT him to be my best friend, etc. It's just...well, it's kind of like having kids. You love them to death, would do anything for them, you feel guilty if you go out and leave them with a sitter, but sometimes you just need a little time to yourself, or with your hubby. Same thing with the hubby. Love him to death, would do anything for him, but just gotta have a little time away. It's nothing against him. I love my boyfriend absolutely to death. And honestly, for me, he's away too much. He's a truck driver, and usually gone 2-3 weeks at a stretch, and only home for 2-5 days tops. Now, he's actually going to be home for an indefinite amount of time, because of his dispatcher screwing up and my boyfriend got blamed, but...as thrilled as I am (well, except for the whole lost income, he's bummed, etc.) to have more time with him, 24/7 is going to be rough. I know I'm going to need to find things that get me out of the house for a bit, or him for a bit, so that we each get a little time alone. It's not that we don't love each other, or want to spend time together, it's just that...we need that little break to miss each other, to appreciate each other more. 

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your idea, either. My parents work together, live together, etc. They only get time alone if they need a bathroom. They love it, and it works wonderfully for them. I just don't think it's for me and my boyfriend. I think it's just like anything else, each individual couple has to determine what works best for them.


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## hlmartin (Jun 19, 2010)

I have a need for my own personal time and space. I have always been like that. Growing up, I was never the type to want to spend all my time with my friends. I am not a social butterfly who wants to be around other people all the time. I like to be myself sometimes. Just because I don't want to spend every waking moment with my husband, doesn't mean he's not my best friend, lover, etc. 
It's not that I don't enjoy spending time with my husband. We always have a good time when we go out and do something together. But I don't feel like spending time with him very often, because we are always together. I think I would look forward to time with him more, if I were able to miss him while he was away at work. It's impossible to miss someone that you're always with.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

hlmartin said:


> I have a need for my own personal time and space. I have always been like that. Growing up, I was never the type to want to spend all my time with my friends. I am not a social butterfly who wants to be around other people all the time. I like to be myself sometimes. Just because I don't want to spend every waking moment with my husband, doesn't mean he's not my best friend, lover, etc.
> It's not that I don't enjoy spending time with my husband. We always have a good time when we go out and do something together. But I don't feel like spending time with him very often, because we are always together. I think I would look forward to time with him more, if I were able to miss him while he was away at work. It's impossible to miss someone that you're always with.


I have always been the same way - very much a loner. Company is nice but please go home soon. I grew up with 5 sisters and couldn't stand it. I did my daily chores around midnight when the house was peaceful and quiet. And, I loved when I was the only home. But my husband is semi-retired, and I love him being home all day. It isn't as though we are on each other's lap 24/7, and I feel no particular need to miss him.

Another thing about me is I normally have the ability to get to the bottom of a problem by first figuring out the root of the problem. I can weed through the numerous concerns that usually serve only to cloud judgment and make decision making nearly impossible. In that same vein, I can easily separate and compartmentalize issues in order to distinguish between them and to analyze them individually based on their own merit or degree of difficulty. That way, I prevent one problem from causing another to escalate or seem worse than it actually is.

You and I are nothing alike in that respect because you are all over the place. First it was 


hlmartin said:


> My husband works from home and I am also at home with my children. We are always together. I feel like this has had a negative affect on our relationship. I can't stand to be around him anymore because he irritates me so much. I feel like such a b*tch, because I am always complaining about all of his annoying habits. I feel that if he worked outside of the home, these things wouldn't bother me so much because I wouldn't have to put up with them 24\7.
> I don't want to spend any time with him anymore, I just want to do my own thing. I feel that if he worked outside of the home, I would have a chance to miss him. As the say, "absence makes the heart grow fonder." I think that I would enjoy spending time with him if I wasn't around him all day, and had some of my own time and space.


Then you post to tell about his "annoying habits" which you fail to recognize as him being disrespectful. Yeah sure, people often offer a better method when they see a person doing something. Well, not normally, but it's understandable and acceptable. But when a person does it all the time, there is nothing to understand or accept about their obvious sense of superiority, which is disrespectful to think his wife is so incompetent that she can do nothing without his constant criticism, disapproval, and direct instruction. But I suppose I will again have to be corrected because your husband is a saint.

Then you post again to tell us this is all about you being a loner and not wanting your husband around all the time so you can miss him. 

Sooooo, which is it, my dear? What is this all about? Or are you still unable to figure it out? Does your husband get on your nerves or doesn't he? Do you prefer to spend time alone or don't you? And since your husband is such a saint, then what "irritates" you so much? If he is not controlling, superior, and disrespectful, then his constant instruction would not bother you in the least. You would be thanking him for his excellent ideas. So, I guess that means you will have to give some different examples of those "annoying habits" of his.

But if this is about you feeling some need to miss him and don't want him around 24/7, then what do his annoying habits have to do with anything, except that you are allowing one issue to exacerbate the other. I don't know how anyone can tell what is what in this thread.


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

hlmartin said:


> I want to be a SAHM, and my H wants me to be a SAHM. We believe it's in the best interest of our children that I remain at home with them, at least until they are in school. We have pretty classical views of home structure. I am the homemaker and my H is the bread winner. The biggest problem is that with my H and I both being at home, our roles as wife\mother and husband\father get crossed. I feel as a SAHM, the care of the home and children is my domain and should be under my charge. But my husband is naturally a control-type, and he tries to order my day and tell me how to take care of the home and the kids. Some quick examples of things that I hear from him are: "you should take the kids outside now", "don't you think you should do the laundry today?" I don't do things the way that my H thinks they should be done. Like with the laundry, he thinks that when there is enough dirty clothes for one load of laundry, I should do it. I, however, prefer to wait until there are several loads of laundry and do it all at the same time.
> 
> This is what irritates me. I get tired of being told what to do, when to do it. I am perfectly capable of cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids. When my H is away for a few days for work, I am able to take care of things just fine by myself. I know that my H trusts my ability to take care of things. But, I think working from home mixed with his personality causes this. If he wasn't home to see what I was doing, he wouldn't be able to do this. He would come home to a clean house with supper on the table and it wouldn't matter how I went about my day because in the end things were taken care of. And then there are other little things that irritate me, everyone has annoying habits...Probably most of them are insignificant, and things that I know I can learn to live with. I just think it would be easier to accept them, if I could have a break from them.
> 
> ...


Maybe you should try counseling, either by yourself or with your husband?

I can somewhat relate to you though. I hated it when my husband would tell me what to do regarding housework. When to wash dishes, when to vacuum and do laundry! 

Taking care of a house and raising kids is the hardest job in the world and call me sexist but when the woman's JOB is taking care of the house whether she's a housewife, SAHM or just unemployed, the man should stay out of it unless asked! When he's at his job would he enjoy us telling him how to do his work? Also who made him boss lol 

I too like to spend time by myself a lot, especially after a social night, to "recharge" and some people see it as a bad thing, but it's really not. 
Some people's energy gets drained by spending too much time with others, even with their husbands/wives. I loved my husband a lot and loved spending time with him A LOT (never had a problem with spending all day every day together), but when he started to nag me I'd get exhausted by just listening to him and needed a lot of privacy afterwards.

If the kids are old enough to be sent to a kindergarten, then you could take up a hobby and do your own thing, away from hubby and his nagging. Although it's not really the solution because by your being away his habits won't just automatically change, and you might even end up resenting him more. Imagine you go about doing your thing which makes you happy, then you come home and there he is with his "annoying" habits, all ready to bug the hell out of you lol

If talking to him does no good, then just go to counseling and take your hubby with you because you could both learn a lot about each other and compromise. 

BTW what are the "insignificant" habits of his that annoy you? If it's tiny things like not putting the toilet lid down or not putting the toothpaste cap back on, those are not really annoying habits. Now chewing with his mouth open would be an annoying habit lol but that's nothing that can't be dealt with.


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## hlmartin (Jun 19, 2010)

Cherrypie18, its nice to know that I'm not the only one who has these feelings. 

I actually had a discussion with my husband about this. I told him that as a SAHM, I feel the house and children are my domain and that I felt by his behaviour he was taking charge of that. He seemed to understand. He said he didn't have a clear idea of what his and mine roles were. The last few days, he has been trying to make an effort to not to take control. At this point, he says he won't do anything (helping around the house or with the care of the kids) unless I ask him...just to make sure that he's not crossing any boundries. Over time, hopefully we will become more comfortable in our roles.

My husband will be going back to school in a few months, so he will be away from home and we'll have more time apart. So hopefully, that will help by allowing me to have my own space. And the kids will be competely in my care, except for evenings and weekends, so I think that will help with the role confusion.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

OMG


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