# My husbands drinking brings out the worst in me



## PDXMom (Jan 20, 2014)

I need help. I am going to try and get this long story out with hopes of finding someone in a similar situation. 

Long story short: My husbands drinking has been a staple in our relationship for years. 

Recently he started drinking again after being sober for about 10 months. Today he decided that he was going to drink while watching the playoff games. No big deal. I went upstairs and took a nap. I woke up four hours later (I'm 35 weeks pregnant, and not sleeping well), thinking WOW he let me sleep and for so long. I walk downstairs to him making dinner visibly drunk. To say I was/am angry is an understatement. It only took a couple of weeks for his drinking to get out of hand. Now, I know that he really didn't do anything wrong. However, I have a huge problem with the fact he was downstairs visibly drunk by himself - actually my child was with him. I can not say whether or not he was truthful with the amount of alcohol he drank, because I don't know. That said, a man does not get drunk off of four beers. 
I of course was livid for numerous reasons, and let my anger get the best of me. 
I don't know what to do. I'm very very upset about this. It's disgusted with who I am when he drinks. My anger with this entire situation is out of control. I can't help it. I need to take accountability for my actions, and I will. That said, I will not accept this behavior. 

I'm hoping someone can shed some light on my crazy mind right now.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

First, you should read in the Addiction forum, and this post should be moved there. There are several stories, including mine, in there that may help.

Second, you are not crazy. I would strongly urge you to seek out an AlAnon Family Group in your area and get some information from them.

Your spouse may or may not be an alcoholic. It makes no difference in the way YOU feel. AlAnon can give you some solace in the fact that you are not alone.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP

I think that the biggest problem is not your husband’s drinking but your reaction to it.

A grown man, in his own home, watching a big sports event, has a few more drinks than you thought right before he started cooking the lunch.

Do not get me wrong if he has endangered you or the child(ren)/ been violent or aggressive then that is un acceptable but you have not said he has.
If his drinking is adversely effecting his health (in a measurable way) or his ability to work / provide for his family then it must be delt with but again you do not tell us it does.

I do think that some sort of couples counseling is in order as this issue is obviously important to you and so your husband needs to understand that and might need to alter his behavior to make the situation better for all. .


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## PDXMom (Jan 20, 2014)

movealong said:


> First, you should read in the Addiction forum, and this post should be moved there. There are several stories, including mine, in there that may help.
> 
> Second, you are not crazy. I would strongly urge you to seek out an AlAnon Family Group in your area and get some information from them.
> 
> Your spouse may or may not be an alcoholic. It makes no difference in the way YOU feel. AlAnon can give you some solace in the fact that you are not alone.


Thank you for your comment. I will seek out this forum. My apologies, I'm new here and still trying to figure this out. 
Thanks again.


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## PDXMom (Jan 20, 2014)

Wiltshireman said:


> OP
> 
> I think that the biggest problem is not your husband’s drinking but your reaction to it.
> 
> ...


I think you are absolutely correct. I'm disgusted with myself right now. I have zero problem taking accountability for my actions and will do so when the time is right, but this is not the only problem here.

The fact is NOTHING good has come out of his drinking in the 10 years we have been together. Nothing. This isn't about him being a grown man not being able to have a few drinks. I don't care how "big" a sporting even is. This is about an adult (Father) who time and time again shows that he is incapable of socially drinking. Sitting on the couch watching football with a five year old child is NOT the place to get drunk. That is not acceptable parenting in our family. When someone is incapable of having a few drinks without going over board over and over, it's time to reevaluate your situation. When you can't be honest to your wife about how much you drink, and hide bottles in the garage or the fact that I'm verbally abused as soon as I ask any questions or state I don't appreciate his state. OR the fact that and my child has to see his drunken shenanigans time and time again, is NOT okay with me. 

I'm sorry that my post was not very detailed last night. It was very and I was visibly upset.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Sorry, but as a former drug and alcohol counselor, I completely disagree with Wilt. Your husband IS an alcoholic. You ARE a codependent person. 

As movealong said, Al Anon is a wonderful (and FREE!) resource. Use it to gain the experience, strength, and hope from others who have walked in your shoes. This will help you understand better ways of keeping YOUR life at peace regardless of whether he's drinking or not.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

PDXMom said:


> I need help. I am going to try and get this long story out with hopes of finding someone in a similar situation.
> 
> Long story short: My husbands drinking has been a staple in our relationship for years.
> 
> ...


My wife would call it "Pregnancy Brain". She hated how sometimes she would go off on a tangent and literally not be able to recover from it. It didn't happen often, and I tried to be patient with it, but it definitely caused a couple fights over the two pregnancies. It goes along with the forgetfulness she gets when pregnant.

Now I'm not saying there isn't an issue, but the issue is probably magnified.

So aside from making dinner (for himself alone, or the family?) drunk, what was he doing wrong? How often does he get drunk? How drunk was he? (slight slur to his words, giggly, or teetering and barely being able to stand under his own weight?)

EDIT: saw your follow up and I still don't see what he actually does that is detrimental. Can you elaborate on it. I'm not saying "he's innocent", I'm saying I don't have enough info to understand your situation. 

Also if he hadn't had a drop of alcohol in 10 months, then consumed 4 beers, especially on a fairly empty stomach...he'd be buzzed.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_

I disagree with the posters that are saying it isn't a big deal. It's never advisable for a man with a wife 35 weeks pregnant to get drunk. Who is going to take you to the hospital if he gets too drunk? I pretty much put the bottle down at 36 weeks. From that point forward I acted like I was on baby alert.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> I disagree with the posters that are saying it isn't a big deal. It's never advisable for a man with a wife 35 weeks pregnant to get drunk. Who is going to take you to the hospital if he gets too drunk? I pretty much put the bottle down at 36 weeks. From that point forward I acted like I was on baby alert.


I'm not saying it isn't a big deal. I just want more perspective.

You're right about the pregnancy issue, but the OP doesn't seem like that was what was on her mind.


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

Hi my fellow Oregonian 

I completely relate to what you have posted. You are not crazy, and your behavior is typical of those of us who love people who are addicts. 

I really like that you are taking personal responsibility for your actions and reactions, that is a HUGE thing. I strongly recommend Al-Anon, it will help you find a better way to deal with your feelings and the way you react to them. I hear willingness to change in your post, and I really think you will find the help you want and need there, I certainly have!

Here is the website for Oregon area Al-Anon: Al-Anon in Oregon. It will tell you more about it, and also you can click on "Find a meeting" and it will list all meetings in the Portland area (it is split into 4 sections of the city, click on all of them as sometimes meetings are listed not in the section you would think they would be). There are numerous meetings every day, at all times, in every section of the city and suburbs. I live in the Eugene area, or I would be more than happy to take you to one 

I don't want to get into my own personal story on your thread, but please feel free to private message me if you need to talk. I have been where you are, I understand, and you are not alone. ((((HUGS))))


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

I agree with Oregonmom. First of all, I think it takes a certain amount of self awareness to be able to say I don't like who I become when he's drinking. I can't help but think there is more to this story. Why did he stop drinking for 10 months? As an alcoholic in recovery myself, I can attest it is easier for most of us to quit all together than to control our drinking once we start. Your feelings are your feelings for a reason. Don't let any one discount them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PDXMom (Jan 20, 2014)

KathyBatesel said:


> Sorry, but as a former drug and alcohol counselor, I completely disagree with Wilt. Your husband IS an alcoholic. You ARE a codependent person.
> 
> As movealong said, Al Anon is a wonderful (and FREE!) resource. Use it to gain the experience, strength, and hope from others who have walked in your shoes. This will help you understand better ways of keeping YOUR life at peace regardless of whether he's drinking or not.


Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm checking out this organization right now.


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## PDXMom (Jan 20, 2014)

Dad&Hubby said:


> My wife would call it "Pregnancy Brain". She hated how sometimes she would go off on a tangent and literally not be able to recover from it. It didn't happen often, and I tried to be patient with it, but it definitely caused a couple fights over the two pregnancies. It goes along with the forgetfulness she gets when pregnant.
> 
> Now I'm not saying there isn't an issue, but the issue is probably magnified.
> 
> ...


Thank you for taking time to comment on my post. 

He didn't do anything until I stated something along the lines of him being 'visibly drunk, alone, watching football, with our daughter.' When I asked him about how much he drank, he became mad and lied about the quantity. I realized that he was lying so I went out and counted and commented on the fact that he felt the need to hide them in our garage. Then we started to fight, only because he was drinking and all hell broke lose. Then like always he started verbally abusing me, being nasty talking terribly about all my family and friends, and stating that I'm stuck with him because I don't have the money to go anywhere (I'm 36 weeks pregnant).

This is his typical drinking behavior since day one of our relationship. 

I'm sorry it took me so long to respond. I thought the forum would prompt me if someone wrote on my post, but it didn't.


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## PDXMom (Jan 20, 2014)

ReformedHubby said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> I disagree with the posters that are saying it isn't a big deal. It's never advisable for a man with a wife 35 weeks pregnant to get drunk. Who is going to take you to the hospital if he gets too drunk? I pretty much put the bottle down at 36 weeks. From that point forward I acted like I was on baby alert.



THANK YOU! This is another reason why I was so upset!


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## PDXMom (Jan 20, 2014)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I'm not saying it isn't a big deal. I just want more perspective.
> 
> You're right about the pregnancy issue, but the OP doesn't seem like that was what was on her mind.


That was absolutely on my mind. Of course it was at 35 weeks! Just because I didn't write about it doesn't mean it wasn't. Again my apologies... this was my first post, and I'm learning. I will be sure to be much more detailed next time around. 

Thank you for your comment.


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## PDXMom (Jan 20, 2014)

Dad&Hubby said:


> My wife would call it "Pregnancy Brain". She hated how sometimes she would go off on a tangent and literally not be able to recover from it. It didn't happen often, and I tried to be patient with it, but it definitely caused a couple fights over the two pregnancies. It goes along with the forgetfulness she gets when pregnant.
> 
> Now I'm not saying there isn't an issue, but the issue is probably magnified.
> 
> ...


Again, I didn't answer your question in whole. When I went downstairs, he was cooking dinner swaying back and forth trying trying to stir peas. That was enough to push me off the edge!


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## PDXMom (Jan 20, 2014)

KathyBatesel said:


> Sorry, but as a former drug and alcohol counselor, I completely disagree with Wilt. Your husband IS an alcoholic. You ARE a codependent person.
> 
> As movealong said, Al Anon is a wonderful (and FREE!) resource. Use it to gain the experience, strength, and hope from others who have walked in your shoes. This will help you understand better ways of keeping YOUR life at peace regardless of whether he's drinking or not.


Kathy, 

I completely agree with you, and I will seek out this program today. Thank you for your comment.


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## PDXMom (Jan 20, 2014)

oregonmom said:


> Hi my fellow Oregonian
> 
> I completely relate to what you have posted. You are not crazy, and your behavior is typical of those of us who love people who are addicts.
> 
> ...


THANK YOU! I really appreciate your comment and concern. Right now is not the opportune time since I have been in the hospital for almost a week now. We have spoken since this incident and I know we have work to do. I will absolutely join one of your meetings, and will message you to get more information. Now is just not the time. I will be in the hospital until I deliver. 

Thank you again. Please feel free to message me as well. I still don't know my way around this website, and I don't want to miss connecting with you.


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## PDXMom (Jan 20, 2014)

Ms. GP said:


> I agree with Oregonmom. First of all, I think it takes a certain amount of self awareness to be able to say I don't like who I become when he's drinking. I can't help but think there is more to this story. Why did he stop drinking for 10 months? As an alcoholic in recovery myself, I can attest it is easier for most of us to quit all together than to control our drinking once we start. Your feelings are your feelings for a reason. Don't let any one discount them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He quit drinking because it became a big problem in our relationship. We had an incident that happened because of his drinking, and I gave him a ultimatum. His family or alcohol and he made a decision. However, looking back I don't think that is the right way for him to quit drinking and I'm not going to do that again. He's a man and can make his own decisions. That said, I need to make mine as well. I stated in my first post that his drinking has been a staple in our relationship. 

Also, he has been referring to this past incident as 'I made a bad judgement!' He is still not accepting that he has a problem. 

I just don't know...


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Personally I think alcohol and the excessive consumption of it has no place in a healthy marriage. alcoholism is a selfish choice that will destroy your family. Tell him to quit the booze NOW or you are filing for divorce.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

It sounds like you have more of a problem with who he is when he drinks more than the drink it's self. I agree with that distinction myself since many people drink responsibly or at least control their consumption when they're watching the kids for example.

So if he's decided to drink now because you're pregnant and he thinks you need him more than that's a big problem IMO. Have you guys gone to councilling? It may be a good idea now more so than normal since it's such a stressful time for both of you.


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## PDXMom (Jan 20, 2014)

Sanity said:


> Personally I think alcohol and the excessive consumption of it has no place in a healthy marriage. alcoholism is a selfish choice that will destroy your family. Tell him to quit the booze NOW or you are filing for divorce.



There is a time and place for everything. What is acceptable in your definition of a healthy marriage, may not be for someone else. Alcoholism is a disease - this is not black and white, there is much more that goes into this than that. 

Marriage is about loving your significant other for better or for worse. 

Something tells me you probably live in a glass house.


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