# At the end of my rope....



## Mjg1962 (Apr 1, 2016)

It will be a year that my husband said " I love you but I'm not in love with you". Two months after out 25th wedding anniversary, he prepared a romantic dinner and gave me a card saying he can't wait for another 25. I had a nervous breakdown couldn't understand what was happening... So, many things happen after that news flash long story short we are still together and things are getting worse. I've asked him to leave and be done with this mess but he stays because he says he doesn't have the money for the divorce..., I don't know what to 😪_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

My husband said this after 12 years of marriage. I had no money, but a job. I moved out the next week. I remember that night very well and I know the pain. But it does get easier. I would tell him to get out of the house. I know as women we want to help people...especially the people we love and care about, but it's time you look towards being just a little bit selfish. You NEED him out of the house.


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## Mjg1962 (Apr 1, 2016)

I have told him to move out the only thing left is for me to throw his things out. 


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

Mjg1962
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. It sounds like you were kind of blind sided...I felt the same way. We had taken a family trip in Dec, had a good Xmas and then in Jan he drops the bombshell that he wants a divorce. It was like a switch got flicked in him. I don't feel like I know who he is anymore.
Mine is still in the house too. We have to figure out some financial stuff before he moves out. He has never been one to do the hard stuff, make sacrifices, make things happen so even though he wants the divorce I have figured out that if I don't start the process he won't. So you need to do what you need to do at this point and protect yourself. While you are still together you are liable for any debt he incurs etc. Please be careful and take care of yourself. I know it is soooo hard...believe me I know but you have to start to look out for #1 now.


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## Mjg1962 (Apr 1, 2016)

Yes he turned into someone I didn't know he bashed me on group texting with his buddies from my weight to my performance in bed. I wasn't going to say anything but around August things got so bad that I told him everything and that kind of made things better because he stopped acting like mightier that thou.. He asked me for the divorce and I lost my voice in my marriage. It's been the worse year ever, I'm so lost and I don't no what to do... I have no financial back so I'm sooo screwed 


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

Mjg1962
Feeling like you are not being heard/seen by someone else is an awful feeling. And this whole process, especially in the beginning, makes you feel like you are so lost that you feel you are going crazy. I didn't think it was ever going to end but the drop on the floor sobbing stopped after about the first month or so and now I am in the stage of just being in a fog of sadness. Can't concentrate at work, feel blue, still feel a bit lost, and certainly feel scared about finances too. Why do these people think they can treat us so badly after we have given so much to them? They suck, are sick and stupid but the hardest part is all their stupidity affects us so drastically. I really hate them for what they are doing to us, our families, and how they are treating us. 
I am so sorry that you are feeling so lost and screwed. All I can say is that it will start to get a little better, not fast enough but it does. I totally get what you are feeling and want you to know that we are here to support you through this tough time.
I don't know what I would have done without the support from this forum. It has been a life raft in the storm. Have you talked to a lawyer? I am going to one just to get a consultation. I made a list of questions and concerns I have. And even though its going to cost a couple hundred dollars that could definitely be spent on something else I am doing it for me, my sanity, and the security of my son. I am hoping that they give me some guidance in regards to what I can expect and what I can do to protect myself. He has no idea that I am doing this and I am not going to tell him. But at this point I can't trust him so I am going to take care of me...for once. Do you think seeing a lawyer, or maybe you have already, would help? Nothing is worse than going through the pain of all of this and being scared as well.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

anewstine said:


> Mjg1962
> I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. It sounds like you were kind of blind sided...I felt the same way. We had taken a family trip in Dec, had a good Xmas and then in Jan he drops the bombshell that he wants a divorce. It was like a switch got flicked in him. I don't feel like I know who he is anymore.
> Mine is still in the house too. We have to figure out some financial stuff before he moves out. He has never been one to do the hard stuff, make sacrifices, make things happen so even though he wants the divorce I have figured out that if I don't start the process he won't. So you need to do what you need to do at this point and protect yourself. While you are still together you are liable for any debt he incurs etc. Please be careful and take care of yourself. I know it is soooo hard...believe me I know but you have to start to look out for #1 now.


Sounds to me like he found a new mommy. I don't mean to be rude but he has been taken care of all his life, right? So he found someone new to cater to him. You're better off without him.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Mjg1962 said:


> Yes he turned into someone I didn't know he bashed me on group texting with his buddies from my weight to my performance in bed. I wasn't going to say anything but around August things got so bad that I told him everything and that kind of made things better because he stopped acting like mightier that thou.. He asked me for the divorce and I lost my voice in my marriage. It's been the worse year ever, I'm so lost and I don't no what to do... I have no financial back so I'm sooo screwed
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Wow, just wow. No respect at all!!! That is terrible... And what the hell is wrong with voluptuous women, anyway?!?! They are gorgeous!!!


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## Mjg1962 (Apr 1, 2016)

I think he found someone too but she figured he didn't have the funds she wanted and left. I've lost weight in all this. He even said why did you wait until this too make changes.. I replied I did for me and so you can see what you turned away.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Mjg1962 said:


> I don't know what to do


What you can do is stop caring so much about what he and others think. It is normal, but unnecessary for you to place your happiness in others' hands. What happens then? They open their hands, and your happiness drops to the ground and shatters. What will disarm him is being self-happy. So not only will you not take things personally that he says, but he will stop saying them altogether. People give negativity for a reason. Remove that reason from his arsenal.

Also... giving negativity only justifies his actions. It is counterproductive to your efforts of healing.

I wish you luck.


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

RelationshipTeacher
Any advice on how to "stop caring so much", "how not to put your happiness in others hands", and how to work on being "self-happy"? I think these are all things that I need to focus on now but I am not really sure where to start.


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## Mjg1962 (Apr 1, 2016)

anewstine said:


> RelationshipTeacher
> 
> Any advice on how to "stop caring so much", "how not to put your happiness in others hands", and how to work on being "self-happy"? I think these are all things that I need to focus on now but I am not really sure where to start.




This is the hardest thing to stop caring when you've shared so many years together. When things get unbearable I just take my car keys and leave. He tells that I don't think my kids. I've said to him that we we are finally done I will move to the easy coast. The first thing out of his mouth was and what about your kids. I replied my son lives in his own and my daughter is 19 besides you will need to step it up because you will be here


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

My husband did something very similar at 25 years of marriage. I go the "i love you but am no longer in love with you." He has absolutely no history of cheating, abuse, addiction, etc. We were struggling with our 20 year old son's "issues" and were both stressed. I immediately wanted to get help and work on it. He was depressed and very hurt to be telling me this. I fought tooth and nail to save the marriage. Appearing desperate at times, pulled back and played it cool and confident. It didn't matter what I did. He was OUT-emotionally. I found out later why.

After those words were uttered, some 9 months later, he moved out (separated). We had several marriage counseling session which turned into divorce counseling (that was were he was headed). I told him that I felt like a went to the basketball game, the buzzer sounded and the game was over. I was never given a chance!!! I checked phone records; text; and computer records. Nothing. He was good. 

Three years, after our divorce he apologizes. He at the very least had an emotional affair (probably physical) with his now wife. He regretted it and wished he could go back. Go figure. He used his work phone (landline). She was in the same business as him, working for the same company in a different city. He visited the city several times. I never saw a hint of anything usual. 

We divorced 15 months after those words. I fought hard and didn't leave with a regret. I could have cut it shorter. 

If they are with someone else. I would recommend that you CUT BAIT. Move on. Had I known, about my ex husbands affair...I would have cut if off.


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## Mjg1962 (Apr 1, 2016)

I found phone records of conversation with a mutual friend I thought they would have conversations for 2 to 3 hours at a time. I confronted him and said they are just friends, she also talked to me and said the same thing. She knew about his I don't love you anymore... She married a year ago . I think they had something going but she realized he had no money so she moved on to someone else. I said ok I want the divorce too no need to continue this, but first I want you to file for bankruptcy because you trashed my credit, and yes I blame myself because I trusted him blindly.. I said you want out then you must file and get the ball rolling. I've always made things easy for him but not this time. 


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

Corpuswife said:


> My husband did something very similar at 25 years of marriage. I go the "i love you but am no longer in love with you." He has absolutely no history of cheating, abuse, addiction, etc. We were struggling with our 20 year old son's "issues" and were both stressed. I immediately wanted to get help and work on it. He was depressed and very hurt to be telling me this. I fought tooth and nail to save the marriage. Appearing desperate at times, pulled back and played it cool and confident. It didn't matter what I did. He was OUT-emotionally. I found out later why.
> 
> After those words were uttered, some 9 months later, he moved out (separated). We had several marriage counseling session which turned into divorce counseling (that was were he was headed). I told him that I felt like a went to the basketball game, the buzzer sounded and the game was over. I was never given a chance!!! I checked phone records; text; and computer records. Nothing. He was good.
> 
> ...


I think this must be where I am with my stbxh. I couldn't figure out why he is just so checked out and unwilling to try to keep our family together. He admitted to cheating, a one night stand, in Jan, swears there isn't anyone else but I think he is lying to me and has found someone(s) else. Otherwise I don't think he would be acting the way that he is. Like a completely different person who is going through a mid life crisis and has no empathy for the destruction he is causing. I just wish people would take responsibility instead of lying.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're in California, you can get financial support for moving out. Contact all the county/city agencies around you and see who/what will help you. Also contact United Way. Post an ad for a roommate, or look for a widow who wants to rent out a room. You can always find a way.


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