# Living with In Laws?



## JustWannaKnow (May 26, 2010)

I just stumble across this forum and I have an issue that's been on my mind for so long, I'm so relieve that I can vent about it here... please bear with me... 
My fiancee is 24 and he is still living with his parents. His parents are still taking care of him... they cook for him, do his laundry for him, even wakes him up to go to work. We are planning to get married in 2 years, and he's already saying we should live with his parents. And it's not just living with them for a couple of months until we have some money to get our own apartment, he meant we will live with them for 7-8 years until he pays off the mortgage to his parents' house because he said he can't afford getting our own place. He wants his parents to retire (they're around 55-60 now) so he believe he has to pay off the mortgage to his parent's house first.
I am freaking out because he's such a momma's boy. He has little arguments with his dad, and his mom would give him a hug and coo him and everything. He said if we live with his parents, they can "take care of us" (cook for us and everything).
Right now when I'm visiting his house, I can't even hold his hand when his parents are around, because his parents told me it's disrespectful to them. So no kissing, no hugging, no holding hands in front of them. 
I can't imagine living with them. But my fiancee said, "what, you don't want them to take care of you?" What can I say to that? When I first suggest the idea of getting our own place (isn't that what married couples do?), my fiancee gave me a big talk about the mortgage and the financial problems. He said, "have you look at the issue in that point of view? Have you thought about me having to pay off the debt?" What can I say to that too? 
I'm very troubled because he's a very nice guy, and I know he's extremely close and dependent on his parents... but I cannot stand the thought of living with his parents. I'm not sure if I'm right or wrong? I don't know what to tell him anymore because he's such a momma's boy and it's gonna take a lot for him to grow up.
And thanks for hearing me out!! I'm so stressed about this...

P.S: And his parent's place is not a house. It's an apartment so there's only 1 large bedroom that belongs to his parents, 1 small bedroom that's my fiancee's room (it can only fit a closet and a twin-size bed), 1 bathroom, 1 kitchen and a living room. How am I supposed to live there?


----------



## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I understand his strong values, which is a great trait in a person, but I think the apron strings are a bit too tight.

One point in getting married is to become your own family, not being dependant on someone else's parents. If he cares so much about his parents, why would he want them to "take care of him"? Isn't it time to give them a break from that? Don't they want him to move on and have a fulfilling life of his own? I know that's what I want for my children.

He may feel totally comfortable in his parents' house, but the fact that you don't means something too. He needs to take that into consideration. He has great arguments for why he wants to stay there for his parents, himself..... but what about you?

It just doesn't sound like he is taking your feelings into consideration here. That is something that really needs to be addressed. Are you willing to live in someone else's home, with your life on hold for the next 7 or 8 years, or longer?


----------



## JustWannaKnow (May 26, 2010)

scarletblue, thanks for your reply. Yes, I agree with what you said. When I have my own children, I would like them to move on and not worry about me. I had told my fiancee that I would like our own little family and our own little house, but all he said was "my parents ARE our family." I don't know how to reply him... I told him I would like to run my own house and not depend on anybody, and all he said was "you are scaring me. you don't want to be taken care of?" Well, of course I want to be taken care of by my fiancee and I'll take care of him too. But I don't want to be taken care of by his parents!! He doesn't get it at all. 
Sorry if I sounded really mad.. just very upset about this situation... It feels like he is not even considering living outside by ourselves.


----------



## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Tell him you want to get married, not be adopted.


----------



## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

You can say, “No I do not want your parents to take care of me because I’m an adult and I can take care of myself.” 

I think my in-laws and your stbin-laws may be the same people, lol. Mine have had my 27 year old brother-in-law and his girlfriend living with them for a year and recently told them they don’t ever have to leave (and they even want H and I to move in also) because my mother-in-law loves taking care of everyone  Until this experience I was of the same opinion as scarlet but apparently not all parents want their kids to be independent.

Why is your fiancé so quick to take on their debt? It sounds like he wants to force them to retire and then pay off their mortgage. Why? Age 55-60 is awfully early to retire, especially these days, and frankly pretty unrealistic unless they’re well-to-do. 

In short, I agree with you and scarlet. He’s not taking your feelings into consideration and if you don’t do something about this now you will deal with it for quite some time. When you get married you and your spouse become a family, the most important family in your lives. Your parents are still important but they become secondary, it sounds like he might not be on board with that reality.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Well, I guess I wouldn't know whether to kiss him or smack him LOL. It's admirable really that he wants to help his parents out. It just goes to show what a nice guy he is. But it is entirely unrealistic and unhealthy to feel so completely responsible for such young and able-bodied parents. Couple that with the fact that there is something wrong with a grown man wanting his parents to take care of him and not want to maintain himself, his own home, and his own family. Did you get what I said?.........There is something wrong with him.

You are very wise to feel uncomfortable with this. And you are wise to seek opinions of others on the subject. He is trying to brow beat you with rational arguments to support a completely irrational concept to the point that you are unable to compose or produce logical objections in his book. But you still know there is something wrong about it all. It just doesn't sit right with you, and the thought makes you uncomfortable. There is where he is being inconsiderate of you. He's not supposed to shoot you down. He is supposed to be accepting and understanding of your feelings, your opinions, and it goes without saying he should respect your right AND desire for privacy, living space, and to be your own person not having to live under someone's rule. But he can't do any of those because, as you said, he is a mama's boy, and he will ALWAYS be a mama's boy. If you marry him, he will forsake you for her. He will continue to be inconsiderate of you in order to take her side. And there surely will be a whole lot of taking sides if you move in with them because she is not going to give you a moment's peace. She will constantly find something to complain about in every single solitary thing you do. And he will always take her side.

You are in for a life of hell if you marry this guy and move in with his parents. Honestly, you are in for a life of hell if you marry a mama's boy. He will never, ever grow up. Living with his parents is the issue right now and not only that but because you will be married to him, you are expected to be financially responsible for them for 7-8 years. Did you get that part? He expects the two of you to live with his parents and pay off their mortgage, not just him. It's both of you because you will be married. But as I was saying, all of this is the issue of the day. No matter this outcome, ridiculous issues concerning his parents will never cease coming. And he will never cease to be inconsiderate of your feelings, opinions, and desires.

Good for you for questioning him now before it is too late. Now you know what you are in for. Accept this future or reject it now.


----------



## JustWannaKnow (May 26, 2010)

Thanks for the reply, everyone...
WhatsHappiness, I absolutely agree with you... my fiancee is not on board with the reality that parents become secondary when a person gets married. And his parents are only 55-60, which is an awful early age to retire. I have spoken to other friends on this matter, they all told me my soon to be in-laws should be able to take care of themselves. The only issue is because my fiancee is an only child (hence he's spoiled) and he always give me an argument of "I have to live with them to take care of them".
But on the other hand, he is still very dependent on his parents! They are still taking care of HIM. I think it all boils down to him not wanting to take responsibility of managing his own family... Susan has made a good point. I realized something was wrong because although my fiancee had gave me rational arguments for his irrational concept, it still doesn't feel right when he said "don't you want my parents to take care of you". Deep down inside, I thought, he is supposed to address my needs too!
I can see it already, if I were to marry him and live under his parent's roof, it'll be a life of hell for 7-8 years... it looks like I have to straighten this out with my fiancee.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Run for the hills. As nice as it seems to have "someone to take care of you," the fact that your fiance is not and has not been itching for his independence is a huge red flag. He may just be very lazy, but whatever it is--he is not ready for marriage, nor are you if you are even considering this. 

He should be saving money, not paying off his parents' mortgage--although he should be paying rent to them. His parents are responsible for their mortgage. Your f and his family have very unusual boundaries stemming from his lack of individuation (in my opinion). Think long and hard b/4 you marry such a man, and maybe explore why you find him attractive. I don't care how sweet such a guy is, I'd have trouble respecting him and therefore he definitely wouldn't be sexually attractive to me.


----------



## JustWannaKnow (May 26, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> Run for the hills. As nice as it seems to have "someone to take care of you," the fact that your fiance is not and has not been itching for his independence is a huge red flag. He may just be very lazy, but whatever it is--he is not ready for marriage, nor are you if you are even considering this.


Sisters, you just took the words right out of my mind. While I am a very independent girl (I absolutely abhor being taken care of), it is definitely a turn off when I learned that he needs his mom to wake him up and cook breakfast for him! He doesn't find anything wrong with it. He thinks I'm a weirdo for waking up myself and making my own breakfast. I definitely don't think he is ready for marriage. 

And you are right about the mortgage, it should be mainly his parent's responsibility, as they are both able-bodied and still have their jobs. My fiance can help with the mortgage-- but it shouldn't be entirely his responsibility.


----------



## fcc (Apr 13, 2010)

Hello ladies,


Is your f from a different cultural background? In a lot of asian cultures its very normal to live with parents after getting married. It becomes the guys social responsibility to take care of his parents in their old age. Which is the case with me. And thats fine! Except the roles need to change, your f and you need to be the head of household. Your husband needs to be the head of the family and takecare of himself and everyone else in the house. Not be babied by his mom still 

On the other hand, I speak from experience, if you cant handle it, the problems are only going to get worse once you are married. My husband has a few of the same issues, except its more his mom that doesn't want to let go. When I got married and moved in, she would wake us up almost everyday cause she thought it was still her resposibility to wake up my husband to go to work. It got way to weird for me, so I talked to my husband saying that i was feeling strangled as she didn't think we are resposible enough to wake up ourselves. I think all prents just want to know that their kid is old enough to manage and can do fine without them too. 

You should tell your husband it is impotnant to relay to his parents that he is grown up and can takecare of himself even when they are not around.....because thats what all parents want to see ultimately. Otherwise they will always be worried about him...and i'm sure he doesn't want them to be worried about him. Its a terrible pickle you are in sister, and i will say you need to do omething about it. It will be the cause to all your frustrations in life otherwise, believe me!!! 

GOOD LUCK!


----------



## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Speaking from experience DON'T DO IT! 

I'm getting divorced because my husband wouldn't move out of mommy's house and they treated me like crap. At first they were sweet and all but after about 20-25 days things went to hell and they showed their true colors!

Unless you live away from them he's never going to grow up.

Why exactly does he have to pay mortgage? Did they buy the apartment together? If not, he could rent a place for you instead of paying the mortgage and help out his parents when they actually need help. 

If his parents are healthy and working, are able to take care of themselves he doesn't need to take care of them _now_. He has to concentrate on building a new life and family with you instead. If they don't understand (like my in laws) then things will only get worse.

Are you sure it's him who says this or it's mommy's words he's repeating? Have you talked to his parents? What do they say about this? If _they_ don't want him to move out either, then like sisters said run for the hills! lol

In my case my in laws told me they raised their son and didn't want me to take him away and change him (aka turn him into a grown up independent MAN).

PLEASE DON'T DO IT


----------



## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

fcc said:


> Hello ladies,
> ! Except the roles need to change, your f and you need to be the head of household. Your husband needs to be the head of the family and takecare of himself and everyone else in the house. Not be babied by his mom still


In my culture that happens often but my in laws wanted us to live with them and they wanted to control us too. I mean, my mil and I had an argument because I wanted to buy drapes for MY bedroom and the style I was going for didn't match her taste! lol Yet supposedly half of the house belonged to me and h.
We even had to tell them where we were going and with who. They needed every single detail and since your husband is a momma's boy this might actually be your life too. He will tell her EVERYTHING and you won't have much privacy. I don't know, I'm speaking from experience here but once a momma's boy, almost always a momma's boy!


----------



## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

OK, I'm not sure if this is a run from him situation. But I certainly agree, he is not ready to be married yet and you are best off avoiding the live with his parents thing.

I always believe in giving chances and am a bit of a hopeless romantic but I think the way to proceed may be to ask him to move out on his own for a while. Cook his own meals (not fast food every night), do his own laundry etc.

You never know, many of us leave our homes originally because we feel constrained. Maybe he didn't and therefore neither he nor his parents got out of the "little boy" at home mode.

He may not take it, then do what you must, if he does, seems like he would be taking a big enough step for you to at least stick around and see.


----------



## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

OneMarriedGuy said:


> OK, I'm not sure if this is a run from him situation. But I certainly agree, he is not ready to be married yet and you are best off avoiding the live with his parents thing.
> 
> I always believe in giving chances and am a bit of a hopeless romantic but I think the way to proceed may be to ask him to move out on his own for a while. Cook his own meals (not fast food every night), do his own laundry etc.
> 
> ...


Of course it doesn't mean she should leave him especially without trying to get him to move out and see what happens, but they _shouldn't_ live with the in laws in a tiny apartment for 7 years. Not even in a big house. 

Even after my H and I lived away from his parents for a while, he still wanted to go back and he was happier when mommy and daddy were around every day. Sometimes it's just really hard/impossible to cut the umbilical cord.


----------



## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

cherrypie18 said:


> Of course it doesn't mean she should leave him especially without trying to get him to move out and see what happens, but they _shouldn't_ live with the in laws in a tiny apartment for 7 years. Not even in a big house.
> 
> Even after my H and I lived away from his parents for a while, he still wanted to go back and he was happier when mommy and daddy were around every day. Sometimes it's just really hard/impossible to cut the umbilical cord.


I agree, sorry if I wrote it to sound otherwise. :smthumbup:


----------



## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

There's nothing to be sorry about lol I'm just so fed up with my in laws and husband that whatever the case I'm 100% against living together


----------



## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

cherrypie18 said:


> once a momma's boy, almost always a momma's boy!


You think? As you can tell by my earlier post in this thread my husband was raised by a woman who created two mama’s boys. I think there are different degrees though. H is very much a mama’s boy but would NEVER suggest that we live with his parents (and I'm strictly speaking, traditional American family here) unless absolutely necessary. He values his independence while loving the other things his mother did for him (seriously, she still made his dentist appointments and bought his boxer shorts up until a couple years ago). His brother, OTOH, is more than happy to live there for an undetermined amount of time and be babied despite living in another state on his own for five years prior. I think it depends on the mama’s boy.


----------



## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

Having just spent a week with K's parents while our A/C was out ...I wouldn't do it! "Better check her neck for hickeys" ... and the bickering involved of having two adult women trying to share a space ... Ahh, what a joy it is to be *home, in our home!* It wasn't so bad for me, but I watched her stress level climb every day, and eventually it starts to get painful for me to see her climbing the walls.

I have seen that arrangement work, but its just not what is expected here. During my time in Europe that was not an uncommon arrangement for the kids to move in with one set of parents during the first several years of marriage. It was also not uncommon (due to the high cost of houses, need for a retirement income, and tax reasons) for parents to enter into a sort of reverse mortgage with their kids, rather than leave the house as an inheritance. 

I'm not sure of the economics of your situation, or if there are any intents of possessing the house after they "retire" ... But you might suggest it to him as an alternative arrangement so that they are taken care of, and you two can go on and live your life elsewhere ... It would mean an economic commitment to them, but if their being able to retire is the issue, it would likely solve that. Just a thought. 

I find the "Don't you want them to take care of you?" comment a little disturbing though.


----------



## fcc (Apr 13, 2010)

I agree once a momma's boy always a momma's boy and its disturbing because you may (will) start feeling like the third wheel sometimes. In my house, there is a constant struggle between me and MIL over my husband. And ultimately a momma's boy will pick his mom over you. They have just been mentally trained this way. 

Don't even get me started on the financial issues that may arise if you do live with them. Not that you don't have them already.

So my friend, i would tell you don't live with them. that is just not an option if you don't want to start off on a rockyyy ass road in your marriage. We are moving far away because of our jobs soon....and i can't tell you how haaaaaapppppyyyy I am for it. WHOOPIEEEEE!!! FREEDOM!!!!


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I would strongly urge you not to move in with them and to also take a long hard look at this relationship. There are so so many red flags. He is 24 years old, Mommy does everything for him, he wants to continue to live with them so he doesn't have to grow up. Do you really want to inherit a manchild? Also, the lenghty engagement is a red flag for me too. It seems like even with things like comittment, he still doesn't want to grow up.


----------



## Connie (Jun 18, 2010)

Oh lordy, you got yourself in a tight spot here. I've been married to my husband for over 2 yrs and yes he is a MOMMA's boy. But needless to say, I put my foot down when he said that he wanted to stay with his parents since they are old and all. So we lived in a small apt out of town.

I was a little hesitated about it at first. So I didn't say much until the parents came over our apartment when I was pregnant with my first one to help out. Only a month, we all knew that we can't live together. There are times when I really feel like why I need to tolerate with him being too attached with his mother but the truth is, she is not getting any younger and when the time comes, I know that he will be so glad that I had been there for him even though he is a "Momma's boy".


----------



## LilyRose (Jun 28, 2010)

Don't do it!!! I can tell you from experience, don't do it!! We lived with my MIL for 3 years after we got married and I wont do it again unless we both lose our jobs and can't afford living on our own and even then, I might find someone else to live with!! My MIL did the same thing, she cooked, did his laundry, she even cleaned his room, and she expected me to do all that for him when I moved in too. Now don't get me wrong, I don't mind helping, but I'm not a maid!! I would cook and clean and do laundry and ask him to help and when I asked him to help, she would get up and do it saying "he's worked all day, he shouldn't have to do that." WHAT??? And what about me? I worked all day too, and then I come home and cook dinner and would ask him to put his plate in the sink, and that would be the response I would get, or when I would ask him to pick up his socks so I can get laundry ready, she would say that it's my job to clean up after him. I couldn't do it anymore and I told him that WE were going to move or I was going to move, either way I was getting out of her house. 

And not to mention, no sex life at all!! It sucked, we would be in the middle of it and she would knock on the door, "what are you doing? I'm lonely and this movie is on and you should come watch it with me." Talk about mood killer!!!

Trust me, don't do it. It'll be the best decision you make for your marriage!!


----------



## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

haha. 

Guess it depends on the inlaws?

I loved living with my in laws honestly, I lived with them and my hubby (then new bf) for a year and a half before we got on our feet.

Sex life? insane, our bedroom was above the parents bedroom, and we took pride in making them listen, we even laughed at them when we woke them up. it was a constant competition between the two rooms, lol.

and arguements? Nothing wins a disagreement like dad being on your side. I still remember the first actual arguement we had. it was over some scum bag acquaintance of his (I know i spelled that wrong) that had stalked my friend, wouldn't let her leave him an then ganked $500 worth of dvds, cds, and a winter jacket from her, sold them, gave them away, and talked about burning them.

about the time my husband tried to raise his voice to me, his dad had to have jumped the entire stairway to get down stairs and got right in his face about it.

needless to say, I win.

But their house is so full of love and welcome for anyone, its really not your typical in law situation, they're more readily available and ready to help than my mom, and they treat me like their daughter.

so if this was the case, I'd tell you to do it, if its not, run from the option. most people aren't so lucky with their in laws.


----------



## dsfg_lover_001 (Jul 4, 2010)

Well I understand how you feel.Thats pretty complicated,well communicate with your fiance and the in-laws,and let your fiance to know that you respect to the in laws.Dont nag to him too much,and stop giving him too much stress.Well thanks for sharing.


----------



## cridgewood (Jul 11, 2010)

I feel your pain! I think for sure you have to figure out a way to not live there, even just the logistics (one small room with a twin bed, one bathroom)!?!?! you can't do it! and tell your fiance that the responsibitly isn't just his to pay for a place....you'll chip in too! 

I've been married for almost 7 years now and this past year we moved in with my husband's parents. (My husband and his dad share a business and his mother is bed-ridden---so they needed a hand). I've just started a blog....something that is totally foreign to me....at my friend's suggestion because I had so many ridiculous stories and it's a good way to vent without souding whiny to my husband.

Anyway, try to get out on your own two feet....and let your finace know that you both have to agree on the living situation. And if you're interested in trading stories, check out my new blog....

Living with my in-laws


GOOD LUCK!!!!


----------



## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

After reading this I think he is honestly using his parents has a scrapegoat. He is using them as a reason for not wanting to face real - life responsibilities. Have you guys tried finding an apt or place around his parents vicinity. As married couples esp. new ones - and take it from me, you need to be alone, u need to know that you can function without your parents or anyone .. this is the time to focus on you two. When my husband ask me to move in to his family basement, I said no, for that case, I should stay with my parents. 
See if u can find a place close to his parents, since they are old. U know that once u live with them, u wil be under lock and key. and it will go downhill from there.


----------



## patience6 (Aug 18, 2010)

I moved i with my husband and his family when we got mariied and it ruined everything! I thought they were lovely and would go round there before we were married, however I realised they just needed us to share the bills, it is not healthy and we could not grow as a couple as his mum would have a comment to make anytime he did something nice for me, or if he did his own ironing! 
I would rather lived on nothing then live with them, as much as my other half would say we will move out next month I knew he had no intention. anyway things came to a head when his mum had a huge go at me and I oved out, we now live in our place but he now goexs to visit his family alone and I am left out, I wish he'd been more grown up, I am sure if we wernt all living in each others pockets we would have had got on alot better. 
Obviously his mum loves him very much and she will end up resenting you little its only human, it's not entirely his parents fault but both them and he need to think he needs to move into the next phase of his life with you.
If he truly cares then start saving for you place now and priortise your home.


----------



## deelou (Aug 31, 2010)

I have to agree with the majority here....I just found this site yesterday primarily because of my own issues with a "momma's boy". 
My husband is not quite as involved as your fiancee is, but let me just say to you how miserable I am. 
If his current plan is not the life you want to lead, I advise you at least not to marry. Unless and if that is until he has made up his own mind about changing his future plans, actually works to change them, and preferrably sustains it for awhile. If you talk him into anything he does not want to do for fear of losing you, it could be...well, as one said "A life of hell".


----------

