# A question for the attached men here:



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I don't like posting here because it's the Men's clubhouse and I'm not a man. BUT, if you could indulge me the favor, I'll try not to overstay my welcome. 

I even think I have asked this before. 

I have an old boyfriend who contacts me every 2-3 months to see how my life is going. 

He was happily married for 22 years and now he is divorced with a beautiful girlfriend who he tells me he cares for very much. 

We were first loves. We were first everythings. He dumped me 30 years ago but our lives were going in different directions. Life goes on.

He doesn't hit on me or talk inappropriate. He praises his wife/now new girlfriend. 

I've been told that NO man contacts an old girlfriend just to be friends and that there is always an alterior motive. 

Is there?? What are your thoughts as a man?

Men only, please.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

He's fishing.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Firsts at everything? Can definitely leave an impression. There is probably a soft spot in him for you. He might keep needing validation from you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I don't know what you mean by validation? Is there something I should say? Does he just need an ego boost? 

He's gorgeous, gets loads of female attention, plays in a band.......

I mean loads of females. I saw it coming "back in the day" when our lives went down different paths. 

What could I validate?

I have a soft spot too for him in my heart but I don't want to date him, be with him, or feel the need to ever hear from him again. The ship sailed and life goes on.


----------



## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

You remind him of a better, happier time in his life, and by continuing contact with you, he keeps those memories alive. I have a person kind of like that in my mind, but I have no idea how to contact her (and wouldn't even if I did). She is the one that I always wondered 'what if". I was too naive to know anything back then, but looking back, I really wonder if I wasn't missing giant billboards saying 'ask me out'. I was so taken by her it wasn't funny.


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

altawa said:


> You remind him of a better, happier time in his life, and by continuing contact with you, he keeps those memories alive. I have a person kind of like that in my mind, but I have no idea how to contact her (and wouldn't even if I did). She is the one that I always wondered 'what if". I was too naive to know anything back then, but looking back, I really wonder if I wasn't missing giant billboards saying 'ask me out'. I was so taken by her it wasn't funny.


this, and he is fishing. Hoping to go back to the 'better times'


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'd say it's a bit of nostalgia, staying connected with his past, and you are (now) a friend from the past, whatever you were before. I've stayed friends with a couple of women I dated in high school or college, and there is *no* ulterior motive. Unless he says or does something to indicate otherwise, take him at his words and deeds, unless of course you don't want to remain friends.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

If he has never hit on you then I agree what he is doing is thinking of younger and happier days. I have female friends that I have known forever that is completely innocent. Personally I wouldn't keep or maintain a relationship with an x girlfriend but I know that's not what your asking.


----------



## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

I've never keep in contact with my former romantic entanglements, so this is difficult to address. 

I would say though if the split was amicable, they may simply remain good friends who came to understand while they had an excellent friendship that they were not suited for one another romantically.

Usually that doesn't work, because one of the two doesn't feel that way, so one gets hurt. This is why people who are friends and then become romantically involved rarely can go back to simply being friends.

I will also say usually women are more apt to do this (remain friends) than a man is.


Keeping in touch is one way of always keeping the door open for future possibilities too. If you never fully close the door, there's always the potential for going back into the room from which you departed.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Here is my advice:

Advocate for you and his girlfriend to become friends and go do something just you and her, mostly to see the reaction:


He will withdraw and stop calling as his continued friendship with you is hidden from his girlfriend.
He will agree and then his girlfriend will likely object and put a stop to him calling you.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

badsanta said:


> Here is my advice:
> 
> Advocate for you and his girlfriend to become friends and go do something just you and her, mostly to see the reaction:
> 
> ...


We live 1000 miles apart. I did tell him that no girlfriend or wife ever approves of a guy contacting an old girlfriend. He agrees but still pops in a "how's it goin'" text every couple of months. 

If I were/was ?? his wife or girlfriend I would not like him to contact any old flame. 

I guess it does boost MY ego but at the same time it annoys me.

I feel like he had his chance with me years ago (so-to-speak), dumped me 33 years ago for tons of hot girls and now he wants to know how I'm doing. ?? It's just weird he would give a hoot. UNLESS, he makes the rounds with many women to have a need for a constant ego feed. 

Maybe I'm the only one that is not falling all over him so he is "attracted" to that aspect of not being able to rope me into his fan club.


----------



## bbqbeefkake (Apr 7, 2015)

Don't answer. It works. They get the picture. No harm. No effort. Just delete them. You told him how you felt and he doesn't care.


----------



## feeling lost (Oct 17, 2009)

I think he still loves you deep down and is sorry you parted.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Rugs said:


> We live 1000 miles apart. I did tell him that *no *girlfriend or wife ever approves of a guy contacting an old girlfriend. He agrees but still pops in a "how's it goin'" text every couple of months.


Why do people insist that everyone is like them? I have exactly zero problem with DH have friendships with former girlfriends.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think, although not hitting on you, ....yet, he wants you back.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Why do people insist that everyone is like them? I have exactly zero problem with DH have friendships with former girlfriends.


You must be a special one NobodySpecial. My W would not approve of me having a friendship with an old girlfriend. In fact, I know of no one who allows their H to have a friendship with an old girlfriend.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Perhaps he genuinely considers you a friend and is honestly just checking in to see how you are doing?? Maybe he doesn't have _any _ulterior motives at all.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Hooks in the water to see if you'll bite. 

Seems like you might.


----------



## Ntsikzo (Apr 12, 2015)

Constable Odo said:


> Keeping in touch is one way of always keeping the door open for future possibilities too. If you never fully close the door, there's always the potential for going back into the room from which you departed.


Yes he is keeping the door open just in case he is in town and wants to hook-up or have a brief affair. This way if the need ever arose he would not have to so hard because the lines of communication are still open.

It's like keeping food in the warmer just in case you get hungry later on


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Highly likely he is fishing.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Rugs said:


> I don't like posting here because it's the Men's clubhouse and I'm not a man. BUT, if you could indulge me the favor, I'll try not to overstay my welcome.
> 
> I even think I have asked this before.
> 
> ...


Funny you ask this.

My first girlfriend (and first everything) and I kept in touch, sort of, through the years. Fair warning - we are now married... 

We dated for 3 years when we were in high school. She broke it off with me our grad year, broke my heart, went to prom with somebody else, etc etc etc. I started dating my ex wife later on that year, and genuinely fell head over heels for her.

That said, for the 4-5 years following our breakup, we remained in touch, once or twice a year. A phone call to catch up, we went for a drink, that kind of thing. We also bumped into each other numerous times, even though we weren't in the same circles anymore. Kismet, I guess.

I married my ex wife, but my contact with her continued sporadically over the years.

I can tell you in all honesty, I was not fishing in the slightest. Every phone call or catching up over a drink was purely, 100% platonic. I can't explain it. I didn't often think of her, or wonder what life would have been like if we stayed together, or even have romantic thoughts of the past in regards to her.

Now, yes, we ended up back together in our 30's, which would seem to indicate that we held a flame for one another all those years. I can't say this strongly enough: we didn't. Again, I can't explain it, but it's the truth.

But it's clear that we meant something to each other over the course of all those years - and it wasn't romantic at all. It was just there. Hell, when we caught up during that time, we rarely, if ever, talked about the "good old days". It was more talking about what was new, what was going on, etc.

Now that we're back together, we still don't talk about old times all that much. We are two completely and utterly different people than we were 25 years ago. And although we have this history together, something that makes a good story, we are both in complete agreement that we might as well have met for the first time 6-7 years ago, and that our past history together was almost as though it were with different people.

In the end, we both recognize that we're together now BECAUSE we kept in touch over those years, otherwise we wouldn't have met randomly somewhere, but that's about it. No fishing, no wistful thinking, no "back up plan", no "we should get together if we're both single in the future". None of that. No flirting, no innuendo, nothing like that. We were two friends catching up occasionally over the years.


----------



## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

I think he's fishing. You said no wife/girlfriend would approve. He agreed but kept going. He has lots of girls. He is fishing and you are on his list.
Everyone is different, so I may be wrong. 
But my concern would be more: Do you have a partner? How might they react if they found one of his texts? Jealousy is a powerful , dangerous and unpredicable thing.


----------



## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Maybe I am projecting my life onto this. Certaingly AlexM and others detail innocent examples.
My W told me before we were married that in cases of jealousy women in her family "fix it with a carving knife". I didn't ask what "it" was. 
As soon as we were engaged, she warned all other boyfriends to never make contact with her/us again. I trusted her, always have, I thought it was over the top. But her example showed how she thought, so I did the same. 
My worry is not that he is or isn't fishing. But that your partner may be jealous.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Why would a lion make contact with a steak? You answered your own question in your first sentence "I'm not a man". He's a guy, you're a woman. He wants in your knickers. I suspect on the occasions that he calls, he's temporarily insecure in his current relationship. He's trying to set something up to avoid being alone. The praising of the woman he currently technically is with is a cover. This isn't all that unusual and it's not exclusive to men. I notice that my ex calls or texts me infrequently. When she does, it always seems to be when she's having troubles with her current husband.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Rugs said:


> I've been told that NO man contacts an old girlfriend just to be friends and that there is always an alterior motive.


:iagree:

That.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Well, I guess I'll never know. Even men have different perspectives. 

It's ok. No, I don't want to be with him. We were good for a few years as teens but now are two different people. 

He could have any girl that he wants and he knows it. I think it's just partly ego, partly nostalgia, and, I knew him before he became someone famous in his field. 

Sometimes I think he's like the kid in the neighborhood with the swimming pool. Do they really like you for you or for your status and what you have. 

His life doesn't impress me because I know the real him. Although I am happy for him and his success, I don't see him in that light. My guess is, he probably likes that. BUT, if I gave him the chance, he'd take it because he's who he is now.


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> You must be a special one NobodySpecial. My W would not approve of me having a friendship with an old girlfriend. In fact, I know of no one who allows their H to have a friendship with an old girlfriend.


THIS!!

Old flames need to be extinguished in every way possible.

IMO, if either one is in a relationship and the contact keeps up it shows lack of boundaries and poor character IMO. On both of your parts.

The ONLY contact with exes that really passes muster is when kids are involved. 

OP, the guy is fishing and waiting for the slightest sign.

Guys look at how women react. IF you don't outright reject, then they keep trying. By staying in touch you are giving him hope that if he waits around long enough he'll score. FACT!!


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You will have to add to the list of women you know (well, know of) who do not care if partners maintain friendships with old flames. 

I have never once been jealous of a partner's attention to another female. I suspect if I were, I'd just break up--it isn't about her, it's about me--a lack of confidence. 

I cannot imagine what life is like for people who suspect that everyone is always looking for--or willing to take advantage of--a chance to cheat. Maybe that is you, but it sure isn't some of us.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Every boyfriend I ever had cheated on me. 

My husband cheated on me eight years that I know of. 

The ex-boyfriend I'm speaking of now cheated on me at the very end of our relationship. 

He is now single but sleeping with a married woman. 

Not my idea of a great- catch anymore. 

I can't see any reason to contact an old flame unless they are gay, you have a child together, run into each other completely by surprise, want to rekindle an easy romance, a familiar sex partner........

Rarely, anything necessary comes from it.

Also, not just a few month relationship but a six year relationship with first sexual experience. That's a big one that most significant others do not want contacted. 

Maybe he contacts old girlfriends all the time. ??? We never had a deep talk. We've just talked / texted two or three sentences about kids, jobs, Heath.....and then it ends for two or three months. 

Very little contact on his part but contact none-the-less.


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

sisters359 said:


> You will have to add to the list of women you know (well, know of) who do not care if partners maintain friendships with old flames.
> 
> I have never once been jealous of a partner's attention to another female. I suspect if I were, I'd just break up--it isn't about her, it's about me--a lack of confidence.
> 
> I cannot imagine what life is like for people who suspect that everyone is always looking for--or willing to take advantage of--a chance to cheat. Maybe that is you, but it sure isn't some of us.


While this would be the case in an ideal world, I find most committed people find it very out of character to want to actively maintain contact with a former lover. 

This isn't about confidence it's about respect. All the tight couples I know don't have spouses handing around and contacting past lovers, nor do they want to.


----------

