# Divorced almost a year, feeling deep regret



## neganagatime

Hello everyone,

It has been a long time since I have posted. I apologize for the length of this post but this is about a person I deeply care about and want to provide as much info as possible. thanks for any insights ...

Last spring the wheels came off my 8 year marriage and the ex-wife and I mutually and amicably divorced in June. She remained in the house until 8/1 and then moved into a house across town while I continued to try to sell the house. It never sold so not I am living there as if it will be my permanent home. It is a bigger house than I want and it feels a bit sad to be there but I don't have any equity and the sales process drained me last year and I am not anxious to try again.

Anyway, we have 2 kids together and we each have them 50% of the time. We both try to be good parents but also both work demanding jobs and are not "perfect" parents. 

During the 8 weeks between when we decided to divorce and the actual divorce (it was done very quickly!), she often told me she still loved me and asked "how do you divorce someone you still love?". At the time I was emotionally drained and told her it was something we had to do as we were toxic together.

In the days leading up to our court day I was very ambivalent and did not really want to go thru with it, but I didn't say anything. On the actual day I was close to tears and secretly hoped she'd suggest we not do it. For the few days after I was deeply saddened by it, but we were living together and getting along better than every so it passed. When she moved out I was again devastated by it and it all suddenly became real. 

At that point we had some issues where my feelings were hurt (she didn't introduce me to any of her neighbors when I had to drop off the kids or whatever even if we were all present together, I eventually had to introduce myself because I had the kids a weekend when the neighbors had a party for the kids). There were a few other old issues and arguments but for the most part things were going ok. Around mid-Sept at the boy's football game she tells me she misses me and wants to go on a date with me. She continues to suggest reconciliation all fall at various points. In my heart I am tempted but at the same time I feel unready and unsure. I babysit our kids at her house around halloween so she can go to her friends' party. She comes home a little drunk and we have (sex) and I spend the night. That caused some hurt feelings and tension for a few weeks because I still can't commit to reconciling. 

Early Dec I come over and we spend 2 hours on the couch while the kids are in the other room and just hold each other and chat and I swear it was the best 2 hours I've had in years. It felt so right and perfect. We again have sex and this time I leave and I think she feels used (which was not my intetion but I do understand how that happened). 

For Xmas we decide to buy presents jointly and both of us be present for the opening at her house. The agreement I expected was that after presents were opened I'd take roughly half to my house and she'd keep half. She did not see it that way--she bought a lot of the presents (I told her in advance I'd reimburse) and felt she should keep the stuff she bought. This lead to a fight and she felt it ruined Xmas. She has a long standing beef with me about ruining holidays. The reality is that I grew up sort of poor and holidays do tend to cause me stress and I don't deal with it constructively. I was also very mad at her but I later apologized and sincerely wished I had behaved better.

Anyway, that was the last she ever talked about reconciliation. Approx Feb 2 of this year I told her I missed her dearly and was ready to reconcile. She said no, she had started talking to someone else and wanted to see where it went. We talked often and openly during Feb and March and I am sure she was giving this consideration despite the fact she kept saying no. She said once she wanted us both to date other people to make sure this was what we wanted. 

On April 7 she told me flat out it was not going to happen despite the fact that she was no longer talking to this guy. She said she had been clear that this was her stand since I first told her in Feb but I was not hearing the message. The very next day she sends me an IM saying she is going to see a psychic and "I am hoping to get some answers to what is going to come of us. every day I think about you but I don't want to hurt or mislead you so I try to limit our interactions.
talking to you yesterday was so hard. you are a wonderful person and I have seen so many changes in you that make it even harder." 

That was a Monday. Tues she goes to the psychic and sends me a text saying how wonderful our kids are and some minor info about our daughter's b-day party in a few months. I was hoping for a call or something but nothing comes. Weds I IM her and ask if she got the clarity she needed and she replies "yes I have clarity and nothing has changed between us." 

After that I try to back off and basically not talk to her as it is very painful and confusing for me. Even since then I have seen hints and signs that she was still interested in me. About 2 weeks ago I ran into her at the grocery store and I had just come from church so was dressed nicely. She had a big smile when she saw me and I asked what was up and she just said "Nothing. You look really cute." We chatted in the store for a few minutes and I had something for the kids in my trunk so I met her at her house a few minutes later. We were sort of flirty and she had yoga pants on (my weakness is her butt) and I gave her a playful slap on the ass. She did seemed to sort of like it. 

That was a couple of weeks ago and then last week I realize she set up a profile on Match.com and says she is talking to guys and hoping to "meet" someone. I am on match.com too because she seems to be making it clear that I need to move on. I went on a date in march (the only one I have been on since divorce) and all I kept thinking about was her so there was no 2nd date. 

I am so very confused and I don't really know what to do here. Do I start radio silence and basically write her off? I do desperately want her back and I'm basically sick at the thought of her dating other guys. I did not sleep at all last night. What can I do here? I have told her time and again how I feel and how I would do things differently if given the chance.

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Again sorry for the long post


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## neganagatime

Just a side note, I think this is further complicated by the fact that I think she enjoys the freedom from not having the kids 50% of the time, and the spare time to socialize with friends and to work out (she has a bit of an addiction there). If she had a higher % of custody than 50% I think she'd be more inclined to reconcile but I don't want to play chicken with her on that bc I need my kids. Honestly sometimes they are the only thing that keeps me going.


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## brokenbythis

You didn't state the reason for the divorce. Its hard to comment when we don't know the background to why the marriage broke down.


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## neganagatime

Sorry, you are correct. This was the original post

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/39804-not-sure-what-do.html

She had previously had one affair I was aware of and possibly another I suspected. This all made me deeply insecure about the marriage and I did not react well. She also had a long bout of depression where she admits she was very difficult with me. At the end neither of us had any energy for the union.


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## Acorn

From what I can see in your posts, the most solid "facts" are:

- You guys do not have very good communication
- Lack of dealing with her affairs led to rug-sweeping of the issue, jealousy, and resentment
- You believe at times that you are both toxic together
- You really only were interested in reconciling once you realized it was not an option any longer

To be honest, I don't think you've really dealt with the affair yourself. It sounds like you still love her, but you know the affair has thrown things off, and you are stuck. Have you considered individual counseling to help you sort through this stuff? Being cheated on is not easy, and you will never reconcile if you don't really know what you want.


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## neganagatime

I agree with a lot of what you've said here Acorn. I definitely need to see an IC and have started to look for one. I have done some reading on recovery and relationship issues and feel I am improving my end of the bargain. 

I have dramatically improved my communications with her, possibly to a fault. I am far more honest about my feelings now than I ever have been and she has commented that I have made a lot of positive changes. I wonder if I tell her too much how I feel, it may be smothering to someone who is probably a bit confused themselves. 

I do believe we have been toxic or at least very non-productive in the past but I hope that is going to stay firmly in the past. 

I have been trying to deal with the jealousy, insecurity and resentment by being honest and trying to forgive. 

I it quite possible my motivation is enhanced by the sense that she is moving on, but I would not say that is 100% the cause. I was interested in this during the fall and winter but could not commit 100% and never verbalized it. WHen I did verbalize it she had not yet said it was off the table and at the time I expected her to have been receptive.

My question now is what to do? Do I cut off all non-child related discussions? Do I persist with telling her how I feel? 

I've considered talking to some of her friends who I think are at least neutral to me but I don't want to piss her off or further push her away. Her family likes me but I don't want to mention my desires to reconcile to those whom I still talk to as I fear she'd resent it.


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## Acorn

It sounds to me like she is aware you'd like to reconcile, but she is unwilling. So, the time for talking about reconciliation is probably over from your end. Let her bring it up if it's something she wants to revisit.

The only time in any of your posts that she has responded positively to you was during the divorce when she was losing you. You have now returned to the model where you are chasing her and she is chasing other men.

So, you have two reasons to back off all non-urgent communication: you can heal, and she might find her way back to missing you.

I'd pursue the IC. What if she suddenly changed her tune and wanted back in. Is that what you really want? If so, why? It's really hard to live with the lack of trust and such that cheating brings into a relationship, especially without the tools to process and move on.


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## neganagatime

Thank you Acorn. Good advice. I will clarify however that she did want me back for the first 6 mos after the divorce, probably up until Christmastime. I believe at that time I alienated her by getting upset at the unequal distribution of the children's gifts.

For now I will eliminate or reduce my contact with her as much as possible.


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## InFlux

Do you think you deserve to be happy? It sounds like you're wallowing in a pool of emotional pain of your own devising. A kind-of self-flagellation. I'm not saying divorce (especially with kids) is easy. It's not, it's very difficult. However being happy/unhappy or optimistic/pessimistic is a choice. Don't confuse the difficulty/challenges in your life with how you choose to feel.

I am in a very similar situation. STBXW had a long, 2+ year affair where she was 100% emotionally and physically invested. Only stopped when I exposed it. Now has seeming regret but no real remorse (read lack of empathy). Also have 2 kids. You really need to ask yourself what it is you're regretting. Take the kids out of the equation for a second...Would you still want to reconcile with her? People also don't really change. Someone who has wounded you in such an effecting way needs to really step-up to the plate in deep remorse and offer to do whatever is necessary for you to regain the trust. You will know the difference because she is making the effort and not simply responding when you ask questions or share your feelings.

Staying in the old house has pros/cons. Pros for the kids in that it's less change in their life. Cons for you as you're surrounded by your past life. If it was me you need to at least redecorate the house -- new paint, new pictures, new plants, etc. Involve your kids. Make it your own. You also need to develop new friends/opportunities for you. There are better days ahead and a woman that will love you/respect you the way you deserve. Join Meetup.com and a couple of dating sites. Pursue your hobbies. Talk to old friends. You also need to take your kids on an extended vacation just the three of you.


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## brokenbythis

neganagatime said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> It has been a long time since I have posted. I apologize for the length of this post but this is about a person I deeply care about and want to provide as much info as possible. thanks for any insights ...
> 
> Last spring the wheels came off my 8 year marriage and the ex-wife and I mutually and amicably divorced in June. She remained in the house until 8/1 and then moved into a house across town while I continued to try to sell the house. It never sold so not I am living there as if it will be my permanent home. It is a bigger house than I want and it feels a bit sad to be there but I don't have any equity and the sales process drained me last year and I am not anxious to try again.
> 
> Anyway, we have 2 kids together and we each have them 50% of the time. We both try to be good parents but also both work demanding jobs and are not "perfect" parents.
> 
> During the 8 weeks between when we decided to divorce and the actual divorce (it was done very quickly!), she often told me she still loved me and asked "how do you divorce someone you still love?". At the time I was emotionally drained and told her it was something we had to do as we were toxic together.
> 
> In the days leading up to our court day I was very ambivalent and did not really want to go thru with it, but I didn't say anything. On the actual day I was close to tears and secretly hoped she'd suggest we not do it. For the few days after I was deeply saddened by it, but we were living together and getting along better than every so it passed. When she moved out I was again devastated by it and it all suddenly became real.
> 
> At that point we had some issues where my feelings were hurt (she didn't introduce me to any of her neighbors when I had to drop off the kids or whatever even if we were all present together, I eventually had to introduce myself because I had the kids a weekend when the neighbors had a party for the kids). There were a few other old issues and arguments but for the most part things were going ok. Around mid-Sept at the boy's football game she tells me she misses me and wants to go on a date with me. She continues to suggest reconciliation all fall at various points. In my heart I am tempted but at the same time I feel unready and unsure. I babysit our kids at her house around halloween so she can go to her friends' party. She comes home a little drunk and we have (sex) and I spend the night. That caused some hurt feelings and tension for a few weeks because I still can't commit to reconciling.
> 
> Early Dec I come over and we spend 2 hours on the couch while the kids are in the other room and just hold each other and chat and I swear it was the best 2 hours I've had in years. It felt so right and perfect. We again have sex and this time I leave and I think she feels used (which was not my intetion but I do understand how that happened).
> 
> For Xmas we decide to buy presents jointly and both of us be present for the opening at her house. The agreement I expected was that after presents were opened I'd take roughly half to my house and she'd keep half. She did not see it that way--she bought a lot of the presents (I told her in advance I'd reimburse) and felt she should keep the stuff she bought. This lead to a fight and she felt it ruined Xmas. She has a long standing beef with me about ruining holidays. The reality is that I grew up sort of poor and holidays do tend to cause me stress and I don't deal with it constructively. I was also very mad at her but I later apologized and sincerely wished I had behaved better.
> 
> Anyway, that was the last she ever talked about reconciliation. Approx Feb 2 of this year I told her I missed her dearly and was ready to reconcile. She said no, she had started talking to someone else and wanted to see where it went. We talked often and openly during Feb and March and I am sure she was giving this consideration despite the fact she kept saying no. She said once she wanted us both to date other people to make sure this was what we wanted.
> 
> On April 7 she told me flat out it was not going to happen despite the fact that she was no longer talking to this guy. She said she had been clear that this was her stand since I first told her in Feb but I was not hearing the message. The very next day she sends me an IM saying she is going to see a psychic and "I am hoping to get some answers to what is going to come of us. every day I think about you but I don't want to hurt or mislead you so I try to limit our interactions.
> talking to you yesterday was so hard. you are a wonderful person and I have seen so many changes in you that make it even harder."
> 
> That was a Monday. Tues she goes to the psychic and sends me a text saying how wonderful our kids are and some minor info about our daughter's b-day party in a few months. I was hoping for a call or something but nothing comes. Weds I IM her and ask if she got the clarity she needed and she replies "yes I have clarity and nothing has changed between us."
> 
> After that I try to back off and basically not talk to her as it is very painful and confusing for me. Even since then I have seen hints and signs that she was still interested in me. About 2 weeks ago I ran into her at the grocery store and I had just come from church so was dressed nicely. *She had a big smile when she saw me and I asked what was up and she just said "Nothing. You look really cute." * We chatted in the store for a few minutes and I had something for the kids in my trunk so I met her at her house a few minutes later. We were sort of flirty and she had yoga pants on (my weakness is her butt) and I gave her a playful slap on the ass. She did seemed to sort of like it.
> 
> That was a couple of weeks ago and then last week I realize she set up a profile on Match.com and says she is talking to guys and hoping to "meet" someone. I am on match.com too because she seems to be making it clear that I need to move on. I went on a date in march (the only one I have been on since divorce) and all I kept thinking about was her so there was no 2nd date.
> 
> I am so very confused and I don't really know what to do here. Do I start radio silence and basically write her off? I do desperately want her back and I'm basically sick at the thought of her dating other guys. I did not sleep at all last night. What can I do here? I have told her time and again how I feel and how I would do things differently if given the chance.
> 
> Any thoughts would be appreciated. Again sorry for the long post


She's just messing with you. Don't fall for it. Its a game they play, to see if they still have the power to manipulate your feelings. Really sick - you should totally ignore it. They like to go "fishing" - it gives them a ego boost to know they can still reel you in hook, line and sinker. Cut all non-essential contact with her and move on. Its over.


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## moxy

brokenbythis said:


> She's just messing with you. Don't fall for it. Its a game they play, to see if they still have the power to manipulate your feelings. Really sick - you should totally ignore it. They like to go "fishing" - it gives them a ego boost to know they can still reel you in hook, line and sinker. Cut all non-essential contact with her and move on. Its over.


It is possible that this is true. Some people are like this. You won't know unless you take care of some of your issues OP, and start seeing things not from a perspective where her absence is in the foreground, but from a perspective where she isn't in the picture at all. 

Figure out what it is that you really want. Do you want the stuff you thought you had with your ex? Do you want what you could have had with your ex? Do you want the feeling of intimacy and connection that comes with marriage? Remember that there were real reasons for the end of the marriage. Have those issues been addressed adequately? Do you have any reason (not rooted in feeling) to believe that those same problems wouldn't come back? Since most of the problems were caused by her infidelity, you would probably have to see whether her actions have been addressed to see if things would be different. Otherwise, you're just going back into the same situation and rugsweeping it, which will not address your needs, at all.

In addition to IC, I think you should really spend some time figuring out what you want for yourself, independent of her. When you are able to do that, you might be able to think more clearly about whether or not it would be a good idea.

Sorry you're feeling this way. I'm sort of going through a divorce and I vacillate on going through with it often for a number of reasons, one of which is that I'm afraid I'll regret it. So, I sympathize with your situation. At least you've got your kids to give you a sense of purpose! And, you're no longer being cheated on. Try to remember the good things, too.


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## whitehawk

Sorry to put it like this but what so she's had 2 affairs and she likes her freedom.
Why on earth would you even want a women like that back anyway. 
No offense intended , l'm just saying as l think you need a reality check on what your dealing with.


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## neganagatime

Thanks for the replies everyone. It has been a while since I originally posted the message and slowly I am coming to realize some of the things you mention. I do believe I deserve to be happy and am trying to move away from the self-imposed pity parties I have been throwing for myself. I probably have some abandonment issues and am trying to work on living more in the moment, appreciate the many, many blessings I have in my life, and realizing that life is truly good even if I am not with a partner. 

I also recently started seeing a therapist to help me with my anxiety over this situation as well as to work on my own issues that may have contributed to the divorce. In the first session I came to realize that while I was not the perfect spouse (which I knew), my ex was and is deeply affected by her own dysfunctional upbringing (long story) and even if we could reconcile would need some therapy to deal with her issues before she could have a stable, healthy relationship. 

I did also just join a divorce support group on meetup and am reconnect with old friends and hobbies, and this is has been helpful. I am also trying to get out and date a bit but so far that has not been very fruitful (a lot of shoppers but very few buyers on match.com it seems as my response rate to emails is abysmal). My ex also joined match and according to her facebook status is not “in a relationship” with a guy she met a few days after joining. This past Friday he introduced my kids to him after 4 weeks of dating. This whole experience has caused me a lot of anxiety and consternation but has also affirmed for me that it is time for me to move on without her, and while this is difficult, I am also hopeful that things will improve.


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## whitehawk

Great goin N , that's all you can do . Actually your doing heaps , should be proud of yourself mate.

But hey 4wks and he's meeting the kids , that's fkg crazy . My x had om around my d from about wk 2 l found out at about 3mths.She told me infact . Man l blew a fuse big time and said we're in court yesterday unles she get's rid of him. lt fkg made me sick.

Anyway , like l'd need it but for her benifit l checked out mountains of info and talked to some friends here . That is total selfish bs.
Your suppose to wait at least 12 mths after the split and then , to have know the new person at least past the honeymoon period which is another 12 mths. Before letting them anywhere near your kids.
Showed her all that and she thankfully was horrified and he hasn't been near my d since.
Dunno if she's still seein him but at least he's not round my d.

You should do something about that garbage man or it is 10x harder on the poor kids . lt can really mess them up actually - obviously !


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