# Almost 1 Year from D-Day



## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

One year ago, my life was shattered by something I never saw coming – infidelity. My loving wife of 8 years, the mother to my two beautiful children, my best friend and life companion for more than 15 years, ripped my heart out and turned my world upside down. I had never felt so alone and so vulnerable in my life. Everything I knew to be, wasn’t. 

No, our life together hadn’t been perfect - we argued, the kids misbehaved, work stressed us out and we frequently took each other and our marriage for granted. But this? I never saw this coming. 

At first there was so much anger. How could she do this to me? To our family? How could she be so selfish? So deceitful? How could I mean so little to her? Where was the woman I married? Why was this happening to me?  I didn’t deserve this. 

My initial reaction was to walk away, this isn’t what I had signed up for. It would just be easier to walk away from the whole thing and start over. I was 35 years old, funny, smart, had a great career and was a decent looking guy. I was a catch. 

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I didn’t want to make the “easier” decision, I wanted to make the right one. 

My wife was genuinely sorry, and desperately wanted to try and work things out. Despite the selfish decisions, she still loved me and wanted to try and rebuild our relationship. And despite the betrayal, I still loved her as well.

At some point I will document the play by play, but not right now. A year later, I am actually really happy with how I handled things, considering we all tend to plow through the first days and weeks blind. After spending lots of time here, I am amazed at how many of the right things I did in the first 72 hours - confronted my wife as soon as I had proof, demanded NC notice be sent, demanded total disclosure, notified OMW etc. Sure, I made some mistakes, but on the more minor stuff. I was firm and stuck to my guns.

So we committed ourselves to working through the aftermath of the affair and set out to build a stronger marriage together. We began talking more, sharing our feelings more and we even started seeing a marriage counselor. We set aside more date nights, as well as some personal time for each of us, and we worked to ensure we were communicating openly.

And I am proud to say that a year later we are in a much better place! I feel confident that we made the right decision, and I see something that I could never have imagined in the initial weeks following D-Day – a bright future together! I am so proud of how far we have come, how much stronger our relationship and our love for each other is.

But while things are much better, they are forever different. I find myself more jaded to the world, more skeptical of people and their intentions. Trust is hard, really hard. I never thought of myself as the jealous type before, but now I find myself reacting to triggers by sneaking peeks at my wife’s phone and email. And I hate it! I hate that that’s what I’ve become.

The act of forgiving my wife means accepting a life and a reality that differs with my beliefs and dreams of what marriage, love and family represented. It means coming to grips with a relationship forever tainted and giving up on the idea of a "pure" marriage.

As you can see from the last two paragraphs, things are far from perfect. But what in life is? We still have a lot of work ahead, and who knows how it will ultimately end? I have my bad days, like all of us. Sometimes the anger sneaks up on me and boils over into rage, but less and less these days. I have my triggers, but fewer and fewer. 

I just wanted to post as there are so many stories on here that end badly. I am hoping that we are headed down a different path than those. So here's to keeping the faith (and our eyes wide open)!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Welcome, friend. I see my self in many of your words. Almost 3 years after the bomb we are fine. I'm fine.


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## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

Thanks mate for your story, mine is very similar although I'm only 5 months out from Dday. You put your story very well, in the days after Dday it's very difficult to think you will ever climb out of that hole. I'm interested to know how do you now view the years prior to the affair, do those special moments and memories now not mean as much, is it like your marriage prior to the affair now seems kind of false?


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Congrats on your progress! I'm glad it's working out for you
after putting in so much time and effort into rebuilding.

My only question is this:

*Trust is hard, really hard. I never thought of myself as the jealous type before, 
but now I find myself reacting to triggers by sneaking peeks at my wife’s 
phone and email. And I hate it! I hate that that’s what I’ve become.*

How does one rationalize dealing with triggers and snooping and equate
it to the type of marriage they'd like to have for themselves?

Also, how does this person come out the other side better off as a person, 
while now knowing the kind of damage their WS is capable of?

Wondering what your opinion is on those....


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

> But while things are much better, they are forever different. I find myself more jaded to the world, more skeptical of people and their intentions. Trust is hard, really hard. I never thought of myself as the jealous type before, but now I find myself reacting to triggers by sneaking peeks at my wife’s phone and email. And I hate it!* I hate that that’s what I’ve become.*
> 
> The act of forgiving my wife means accepting a life and a reality that differs with my beliefs and dreams of what marriage, love and family represented. It means coming to grips with a relationship forever tainted and giving up on the idea of a "pure" marriage.


You hate what you've been MADE. You didn't pee in the pool.

But that being said, one action can not necessarily define a person forever (unless it's shooting a President or giving accordion lessons). People can change. After all, she changed into an adulteress. She can certainly change back into a worthwhile (but flawed) person (who bears watching.) It's been a YEAR. Don't feel bad for keeping an eye on her. If she's been trustworthy, you wouldn't be here.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

cantthinkstraight said:


> Congrats on your progress! I'm glad it's working out for you
> after putting in so much time and effort into rebuilding.
> 
> My only question is this:
> ...


You take solace in the fact that you are not a cheater. 

The people who cheat, no matter what they do, no matter how hard they try to rectify things, the plain and simple fact is they can't. They can try. They can spend the rest of their lives trying to but it simply can't happen- that's why infidelity is so horrible. It is not a debt that can be recompensed. 

For the people who cheat- that is their legacy. That is who they are. 

So take comfort in knowing that you are not that thing. Your legacy is that you were faithful to your wife. 

And when you lie down on your death bed many years from now, you will close your eyes and smile because you get to be the one who did the right thing. No matter what happens between now and then, she has to go to sleep every single night for the rest of her life knowing that she's a twisted, gnarled doppelganger.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Never Happened 2 me
> The act of forgiving my wife means accepting a life and a reality that differs with my beliefs and dreams of what marriage, love and family represented. It means coming to grips with a relationship forever tainted and giving up on the idea of a "pure" marriage.


*Forgiving is not always without permanent consequences.*\
Keep gaining on accepting a life that reflects reality more than idealism.
You will have to live in a reality 95% of your life.
You may not b get back to 100% in some areas but you can also go from `10% to 90% in a lot of other areas. *You actually could wind up better overall than when you were before.*






> By Never Happened 2 me
> I just wanted to post as there are so many stories on here that end badly. I am hoping that we are headed down a different path than those. So here's to keeping the faith (and our eyes wide open)!


So far you really way ahead of the game. If you continue with faith, forgiveness, and the commitment to the right actions you have a LOT of hope


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

Thanks for your honesty and insight. We are 9 months out from D-day, you have described it perfectly.

At this moment in time I am struggling with an awful feeling of hopelessness, and wanting to jack it all in. I know these feelings come and go but when they do come it feels like they never will. Thank you for helping me realise it can get better.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> *Forgiving is not always without permanent consequences.*\
> Keep gaining on accepting a life that reflects reality more than idealism.
> You will have to live in a reality 95% of your life.
> You may not b get back to 100% in some areas but you can also go from `10% to 90% in a lot of other areas. *You actually could wind up better overall than when you were before.*
> ...


You keep saying this without defining a damned thing.


HOW does it 'get better'? I don't mean bearable. That isn't what you are suggesting (almost promising)

You are saying that the rosy, clean, bright and pure marriage will 'get EVEN BETTER' after the wife throws it into against a sharp rock covered in manure.

So please, relate HOW it gets better in precise terms.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Very happy for you  I made the same choice - to work through it - we still have a long way to go but each day gets better and I am totally comfortable in my decision to deal with the bad to get the good. 7 months out and way more good than bad. Today is a great day!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Five years post D-Day here. Me wife and I have moved on from the pain of the past and doing great. As hard as it was to move through, the marriage is stronger for it. It will take time but it can be done. Good luck and commit to the recovery.


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

Thanks to all for the positive feedback, this site has been an incredible resource for me. I know I didn't post until recently, but I have been lurking for the past 9 months or so. 

I have found solace in so many of the stories and honest emotions, can't thank everyone enough for the generosity. It was comforting beyond words to know I wasn't alone, especially considering how incredibly alone you feel initially. How much does it suck that the one person you would normally turn to is the source of all the pain, anger, fear, confusion etc? Total mindf#ck! (sorry for anyone offended)

I wanted to follow up on a couple of the posts above:

*Lmodel*:
_I'm interested to know how do you now view the years prior to the affair, do those special moments and memories now not mean as much, is it like your marriage prior to the affair now seems kind of false?_

That's a tough one indeed. Last weekend, we attended our first wedding since D-day. It was really hard to sit in the ceremony and listen to the exchange of vows, etc. I found myself feeling really cynical about the whole thing. I was able to avoid rolling my eyes or muttering "yeah right" under my breath, which I'm guessing might have been viewed as inappropriate. 

But my wife was really supportive through it. And I could tell she was struggling a bit too. Afterword, we talked about it - why it was hard, how we were feeling/reacting. 

Really, I have started to think about our relationship as BTA (before the affair) and ATA (after the affair). Because, let's be honest, the during is crap. Everything that happened during was a lie and isn't real. But I know my wife truly loved me before and after. Not saying I block out the during, I don't think any of us have the ability to do that if we wanted. But I don't think of the affair period as "us". There was no "us" in her behavior at that time.

But I almost view it as BTA and ATA as two different relationships. In many ways the BTA affair was a simple love, idealistic, untested and often complacent. The ATA relationship is different. It's rougher around the edges, requires more work and smacks you in the face with uncertainty at times. But in some weird ways, it is almost better? Don't get me wrong, my wife screwed up huge, and I'm not implying the affair was a good thing in ANY way. But sometimes growth happens as a result of a really crappy event. I think we have both had our eyes opened and realize that complacency is our enemy. That's a good thing.

So I still struggle with our wedding day, as the promises made were indeed broken. We have discussed renewing our vows someday, but that will need to be a couple more years down the road. I like the idea of starting again that way, but we need to continue working towards that.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, glad that things are working out for you so far. Regarding your guilt at checking up on your wife, I wouldn't feel any of that at all. From my upbringing in a family that practiced Christianity (RCC, specifically), I've been taught that marriage is a sacrament of love and unity, where as St Paul wrote in his epistles that a man and a woman leaves their parents and the two join to make one flesh. With this in mind plus my strong belief that I had to marry my best friend or it wouldn't work out (which I did), I think its healthy for husbands and wives to check up on each other. I don't do it in secret, but my wife is aware that I'll check out her facebook account or her e-mail accounts. My wife probably does the same because I don't hide my passwords to facebook or any other e-mail accounts. Having the ability to freely look into each others things does not mean that you lose your individuality as a number of people think that without privacy I'm not my own person. In a marriage, there is no privacy IMO. That's why you're married - to give of yourself to another and that other person gives herself to you.


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

*cantthinkstraight*

_How does one rationalize dealing with triggers and snooping and equate it to the type of marriage they'd like to have for themselves?

Also, how does this person come out the other side better off as a person, while now knowing the kind of damage their WS is capable of?_

Been following your posts on these boards, BTW. Is it weird to say "big fan"? :scratchhead: Seriously, really appreciate a lot of things you have posted, and admire the attitude you have approached this whole nightmare with. Keep your chin up!

Triggers suck! Guessing they will happen for the rest of my life. That blows big time! But I am trying to use them to my advantage, if that's possible. When I get triggered, I allow myself a moment to think about it, but then I ask myself some questions: 

- Do I really have a reason to think something is happening again? (answer has always been no, which reminds me that these are triggering bad memories not actually raising doubts about the current situation). 

- Are things better now than they were? 

- Are we both continuing to work on "us"?

In other words, I try to use the triggers as a reminder to evaluate things, think about the progress that has been made and about the new future we are working hard together to build. It's not perfect, but I have found this approach to help. It helps me shift from the initial negative, unproductive reaction to a more positive and productive thought process. Doesn't *always *work yet, but it gets better each week!

On your second question, I think I am coming out of this a better person because I now know that I am stronger than I knew. You hit rock bottom on D-day. Your world crumbles around you, as we all know. I went from furious anger at my initial discovery, to tremendous fear and anxiety of losing the life I had built. 

But I took time to step away and process my emotions over the course of a few weeks and ultimately realized I could handle this. If I needed to get divorced, I would be ok. The kids would be ok. I realized that the only thing I needed to figure out was what *I* wanted next. Fortunately, my wife and I wanted the same thing. We wanted to try the virtually impossible task of starting over. 

So I now have better perspective on things. I know that you have to work on your marriage, invest the time and effort. You also need to ensure that you are thinking about what *you *need and want, and that *you *are getting it. If you aren't, you need to speak up. And you need to listen too, when your partner speaks up. 

I take less for granted these days. Even just those moments as a family. They don't slide past anymore without full appreciation. That's good.


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## margrace (Aug 12, 2012)

NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME said:


> I almost view it as BTA and ATA as two different relationships. In many ways the BTA affair was a simple love, idealistic, untested and often complacent. The ATA relationship is different. It's rougher around the edges, requires more work and smacks you in the face with uncertainty at times. ...I think we have both had our eyes opened and realize that complacency is our enemy. That's a good thing.


hi never:

i lurked for a long time too before posting, and many of your other comments are true for me as well.

one difference is that i would say that our BTA was worse than complacent. my WH and i had really drifted apart and begun to live almost separate lives.

and yes, my eyes are opened to that now. that new awareness is a positive and growthful aspect of this crisis -- which is also accompanied by *so* many losses. like you, i now bring some cynicism to things like marriage vows. 

other small beautiful moments of life seem tinged with sadness too. sometimes i find myself in tears about music or children playing, and it seems connected to a loss of something that was innocent and hopeful in me.

nevertheless, i was taking a lot for granted and i was naive and self-involved and disconnected before the A. i was hurting and i hurt my H a lot. i know that now.

is this a justification for his A? of course not. it's kind of paradoxical: in no way would i have *ever* wanted to learn these lessons because of an A (and i'm sure that goes without saying). nor am i grateful for the A as an eye-opener.

at the same time, it's just a fact that i did learn some things, and that those things are relevant to building a better marriage. and i want to be part of building a better marriage.

we have a long road ahead of us but we are working hard. i hope to be where you are at one year out from d-day.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

my wife and i are 3 yrs plus out I had an affair and she had a revenge affair, anyway we decided to reconcile similar to your story, and we went to MC etc i think the first 6 months was the hardest for me or the first year however i am happier today than i have ever been and our marriage is wonderful i am so happy that we both decided to hang on 

Good Luck


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

JCD said:


> You keep saying this without defining a damned thing.
> 
> 
> HOW does it 'get better'? I don't mean bearable. That isn't what you are suggesting (almost promising)
> ...


Thank you, JCD for saying exactly what I was thinking. 

A marriage can SURVIVE infidelity, but the cheating NEVER makes the marriage better.

All the excuses the cheaters used to cheat could, if not outright fabrications, could have been solved in Marriage counseling. 

Now the marriage will forever be tainted by distrust and suspicion. That is not an improved marriage. 

Usually, too, it's the BS who improves themselves to bend to the complaints of the cheater, and the cheaters life likely does improve. 

They actually get rewarded for cheating. :scratchhead:


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

The trust will come back but you'll never blindly trust ever again. Even the smallest trigger will send you to checking her phone/e-mail/fb, etc....

It lasts forever the checking up once in a while. My wife has access to all my crap because I have nothing to hide so I don't care if she looks whenever she wants to.

She always makes an excuse about updating the phone or sending something to my e-mail and she needs to get it, but I know.

Life can still be good but it will never be the same. That undying love, the kind that you gave to your parents when you were small and gave to your wife before she cheated is gone and will never come back.

Instead it's a new kind of love that takes it place, one of understanding and forgiveness but you will always hold a little piece of yourself back just in case she decides to bend you over and screw you again. That way if it happens (not saying it will) you can walk away with almost no guilt.

It's a very long road with alot of different paths to take after an affair. To make it to the end together will take both of you taking the same paths together be it good or bad and being there for each other.

Wish the both of you the best.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Originally Posted by Mr Blunt
> Forgiving is not always without permanent consequences.\
> Keep gaining on accepting a life that reflects reality more than idealism.
> You will have to live in a reality 95% of your life.
> ...




A “rosy, clean, bright and pure marriage” is a temporary state (sometimes a idealistic fantasy) that does not hold up in a long term marriage.
How it can get better in some areas is the way I worded it.

First, after the affair you can do some very introspective evaluation of yourself. Evaluating the cheating spouse is natural but you can only change you.

Once you find areas in your life that YOU need improving then you use the strong emotions that you are feeling to drive you to IMPROVE YOURSELF.

It is always tempting to keep pointing the finger at the cheater that has inflicted such huge pain on you and that is going to happen from time to time. However, be conscience of the fact that you are in this mess and it is a matter of emotional life or death. You have two choices, you can concentrate on condemning the cheater and expecting them to fix you or you can start getting you better. It is a choice of choosing getting better or bitter.


Stop and think about it. How is hating, holding on to resentments, thinking about how unjust you have been done, how you want the other person to hurt is going to benefit you in the long haul?


When you work on yourself and get better you can wind up overall with this:

1	You will become more self sufficient in whom (YOU) controls your emotional health to a higher level.

2	You realize that you can survive the most devastating hit any marriage action could do to you

3	You can find out that your faith is real and stronger because it has been tested by fire and you have gotten stronger faith.

4	Whatever degree of forgiveness you accomplish will be the forgiveness that you can apply to yourself, now and in the future.

5	You see humanity in a more clear way and not in idealism and come to accept that and make decisions on that new awareness.

6	You become stronger with your gains in self sufficiency which drives out fears.

7	When you are stringer you can be more of a giver than a taker.

8	You come to depend on yourself and God for some of the biggest fears and blessings in life rather than on a man or woman that are so fickle.

The ones above are just off the top of my head; I am sure there are more.

I have said it before in another thread but I will say it again. Forgiveness is a great self improvement action. My approach to dealing with infidelity has a lot to do with using these crises TO IMPROVE YOURSELF!

If you improve yourself and your cheating spouse does the same thing then in time (Years) your marriage overall can wind up being better than before. Some things will not have the potential to be 100%, like blind trust, and the specialness of 100% faithfulness but if you have other areas that have been neglected and need improving and improve them then your total overall score in life can be better than before.

Even if your spouse does not get better then you will still be better off than if you did not improve yourself because you will be more self sufficient.

A spouse can fulfill an important role in your life but they are not your whole life.


I am not sugar coating infidelity; it is the biggest marriage killer of all time. However, Infidelity does not have to control your life and emotions for years and years. YOU can make choices that substantially diminish the negative consequences of a cheating spouse


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Ah. So this is just a less pithy version of Nietzsche: That which does not kill you makes you stronger.

So, if I'm in a car wreck, with my spine severed, the bones in my leg gravel, and a detached retina, BOY can I look at some serious personal growth...unless, you know...I like WALKING.

But let's break this down piece by piece





> A “rosy, clean, bright and pure marriage” is a temporary state (sometimes a idealistic fantasy) that does not hold up in a long term marriage.


I think there is a vast difference between finding out your spouse tipples at the sherry, expects you to loan her ne'er do well brother money, and has gas which can blister paint is the same sort of realization that she is also a round heeled slvt. Learning of imperfections is expected. Finding a staggering character flaw of this magnitude is rather more serious.




> It is always tempting to keep pointing the finger at the cheater that has inflicted such huge pain on you and that is going to happen from time to time. However, be conscience of the fact that *you are in this mess* and it is a matter of emotional life or death.


Excuse me, but that glosses over quite a bit. If I'm running along a trail and I slip into the river, it's a matter of life and death as well. I have to suddenly learn to swim and face the rapids. If I survive, I can look at myself with some sense of pride.

But I am PUSHED into the river...by my spouse. Should I then thank her for this opportunity to 'grow'? Hmm.




> You have two choices, you can concentrate on condemning the cheater and expecting them to fix you or you can start getting you better. It is a choice of choosing getting better or bitter.


False choice. I can certainly be 'bitter' at the person who pushed me off the cliff but still grow as a person...just without them. And why should I reach out for help from the person who pushed me off the cliff in the first place?




> Stop and think about it. How is hating, holding on to resentments, thinking about how unjust you have been done, how you want the other person to hurt is going to benefit you in the long haul?


This has absolutely nothing to do about how my 'marriage' is better after I forgive my wayward spouse. 



(Long list of things clipped)

1 So IF I don't become a needy crawler back to the person who wounded me (more common then I like)

2 IF I actually survive without becoming a basket case

3 IF I don't resent God or lose faith

4 IF I learn to forgive the person who destroyed me AND forgive myself for being such a sap

IF I...um...



> 5 You see humanity in a more clear way and not in idealism and come to accept that and make decisions on that new awareness.


Wow, you really ARE advocating people become cynics. Huh.

6 IF I don't become emotionally shattered and can actually control fears...or fall prey to them

7 If...WTF! 



> 7 When you are stringer (sic) you can be more of a giver than a taker.


So I'm supposed to REWARD their lousy behavior? Are you frigging KIDDING ME?

And 8...oh...this was just proselytization. Oh...Okay.



> My approach to dealing with infidelity has a lot to do with using these crises TO IMPROVE YOURSELF!


I can agree with that.

But that isn't what you promised. You promised that IF you forgive, the marriage will be better (caveat: in some ways)

So far, aside from some POTENTIAL gains in yourself, there is NOTHING said which indicates how the marriage will be better at ALL.

Oops, sorry. Jumped the gun



> If you improve yourself and your cheating spouse does the same thing then in time (Years) your marriage overall can wind up being better than before. Some things will not have the potential to be 100%, like blind trust, and the specialness of 100% faithfulness but if you have other areas that have been neglected and need improving and improve them then your total overall score in life can be better than before.


BLIND trust. Like that little dig. Fidelity SHOULD be able to be taken for granted in a marriage. It's in the vows after all.

So IF you are in a rotten marriage and IF your selfish SELFISH spouse who just got finished sticking a knife in your back has a Saul of Tarsus moment and totally changes her spots, THEN (years down the road) you might have a marriage which, in totally, may surpass what you had before.



> A spouse can fulfill an important role in your life but they are not your whole life.


If they aren't important, then why did you bother all the heavy lifting of reconciling?




> I am not sugar coating infidelity; it is the biggest marriage killer of all time. However, Infidelity does not have to control your life and emotions for years and years. YOU can make choices that substantially diminish the negative consequences of a cheating spouse


Yes. It's called DIVORCE and leaving her behind.


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## margrace (Aug 12, 2012)

jcd, i'm sure lots of us would agree with many of your points. i certainly would. i agree that we should be able to take fidelity for granted, and that infidelity is a much more serious flaw than an extra glass of sherry, and that it is unreasonable to expect anyone to reward such behavior.

i am also probably stating the obvious in saying that all of us as BSs are different, as are our WSs, and as were our marriages pre-A.

none of these differences _justifies_ the A in the least. i agree 100% with sara who pointed out that problems in the marriage could have been and should have been addressed via something like MC and/or separation and/or divorce pre-A.

that doesn't mean, however, that the differences are _completely_ irrelevant either. in my case, my pre-A marriage was dying, and part of our problem was our growing disconnection and lack of courage to address what was happening. it is simply a fact to state that i contributed as much to those problems as he did, and i didn't do anything like call for MC either.

i was suffering, too, and i didn't cheat. that's important, although i damaged our marriage in other ways. if you put my behavior and his infidelity on the wrongness scales, whose was worse? i believe that his was, no doubt about it.

but you see where i'm going with this. we are two damaged people with a lot to learn, and we hurt each other, and we hurt ourselves. i don't actually know yet if i can forgive him and move on, i don't know if i can commit to R -- but i also need to work on myself and i am doing that.

IF it turns out that we can both commit to R and IF we can both do the hard work that this implies and IF we can contribute the results of that work to the creation of the best marriage possible -- a marriage that the two of us have never had before -- then that would be a significant reward.

yes, that's a lot of IFs. i might not even be able to contemplate it if, pre-A, i had been a healthy, functioning partner in the marriage. 

yet, we still love each other, and we are still able to see the qualities that led us to fall in love in the first place. the potential reward would be to weather this storm together in pursuit of the marriage that we should have had in the first place.


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## SaRaisms (Oct 8, 2012)

Greetings,

I've been "lurking" this site since a few days after my D-Day almost 6 months ago._ (my wife had a 1yr affair with her ex-boyfriend)_

It's very inspiring to hear positive progress from other couples who are attempting to reconcile. I've been trying to hang in there. Some days are good,some are VERY BAD! 

Thanks for posting!!!!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

R is tough and I am glad for you. Last year today I moved to another city for a promotion. My wife knew it was important to stay in contact with me during my orientation day. She was naked having sex with the OM during my phone conversations. So today is not a good day for me. But we are making progress and soon will be moving into our second home. Our youngest will be renting our current home and is actively interviewing other tenants.

R is not easy but neither is D.

It has been a hard road for me and I know it has been for you. I wish I had done things differently and not allow my anger to get the best of me but there are things in life that can't be undone.

Keep up the good work. Hopefully I will continue to be right behind you in R.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Never, thank you for sharing your story, I think it is very valuable to a lot of newly betrayed spouses.
I find a lot out your thoughts and feelings in myself, though you have been faster than me to pick them up.

You say that you can trigger and then check up on her still, how do you handle the thought of her cheating again?


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## margrace (Aug 12, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> R is tough and I am glad for you. Last year today I moved to another city for a promotion. My wife knew it was important to stay in contact with me during my orientation day. She was naked having sex with the OM during my phone conversations. So today is not a good day for me. But we are making progress and soon will be moving into our second home. Our youngest will be renting our current home and is actively interviewing other tenants.
> 
> R is not easy but neither is D.
> 
> ...


what a tough day to get through -- took my breath away, thorburn. you keep up the good work, too, and hopefully i will continue to be right behind all of you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> ] She was naked having sex with the OM during my phone conversations.



Are you happy reconciling with her ? How do you look back on your decision to reconcile /? Is she worth it ?


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

My DDay is coming soon, three weeks or so. I was with my kids at Chuckie Disease for a birthday party. One of the parents made this comment to me, "you and your husband are, like, the perfect couple". I don't know what it was about that statement but I had a feeling in my gut that we were not the perfect couple. After the party, I went home and looked in my hubby's email... what I found changed our lives forever.

Today, my son received an invitation to that same kids' birthday party. The party will be one day before d-day. Thank goodness it isn't at Chuckie Disease this year.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

NOTE: I am using large font for my responses to be able for me to better distinguish the different posts by different people at different dates. The large font is not yelling.




> By Blunt
> It is always tempting to keep pointing the finger at the cheater that has inflicted such huge pain on you and that is going to happen from time to time. However, be conscience of the fact that you are in this mess and it is a matter of emotional life or death.
> 
> BY JCD
> ...



I said nothing about “Thanking her”. My point was that you will gain more by improving yourself rather than point fingers




> By Blunt
> You have two choices, you can concentrate on condemning the cheater and expecting them to fix you or you can start getting you better. It is a choice of choosing getting better or bitter.
> 
> BY JCD
> False choice. I can certainly be 'bitter' at the person who pushed me off the cliff but still grow as a person...just without them. And why should I reach out for help from the person who pushed me off the cliff in the first place?


Again you miss my point. The point is that it is better to start to get better by improving yourself than concentrating on condemning the cheater. 
. I did not say anything about 
“…reach out for help from the person who pushed me off the cliff…”



> By blunt
> Stop and think about it. How is hating, holding on to resentments, thinking about how unjust you have been done, how you want the other person to hurt is going to benefit you in the long haul?
> 
> BY JCD
> This has absolutely nothing to do about how my 'marriage' is better after I forgive my wayward spouse.


This is about forgiving helping YOU when you are in the unforgiving state. Your responses do not follow my words.



> By Blunt
> 7 When you are stronger you can be more of a giver than a taker.
> 
> BY JDC
> ...


When you are stronger you can be more of a giver if your spouse has taken the right actions and you choose to reconcile and help your spouse. If you not want to help your spouse then you can be a giver to the next person that you get into a relationship with. I said nothing about “…REWARD their lousy behavior”


Blunt Quote:


> A spouse can fulfill an important role in your life but they are not your whole life.
> 
> By JCD
> If they aren't important, then why did you bother all the heavy lifting of reconciling?


Are you NOT reading my posts on purpose just to argue? I did not say they aren’t important. I said that “A spouse can fulfill an IMORTANT role. You have inserted so many statements that I did not say that I can tell that something is really bugging you.

I do not want to get too far off the OP’s reason for starting this thread. The OP (NEVER HAPPENED 2 Me) has stated that:
*"And I am proud to say that a year later we are in a much better place!"*

He is also looking for hope that his reconciliation with his wife will continue to be 
“…in a much better place!”



> Quote of Never Happened 2 Me Right
> just wanted to post as there are so many stories on here that end badly. I am hoping that we are headed down a different path than those. So here's to keeping the faith (and our eyes wide open)!


JCD, you see it is possible that “your total overall score in life can be better than before.”

Did you skip over Amplexor’s post on this thread? Did you miss it? Here it is again reprinted below and has 5 YEARS to prove my point of being better. Did you notice his words of 
*THE MARRIGE IS STRONGER FOR IT!*



> By Amplexor
> Five years post D-Day here. Me wife and I have moved on from the pain of the past and doing great. As hard as it was to move through, *the marriage is stronger for it.* It will take time but it can be done. Good luck and commit to the recovery.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> She was naked having sex with the OM during my phone conversations.


Reading this, I nearly threw up. Sorry.




There are different levels of betrayal but I don't know if I'd be able to get over this one.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Mr. Blunt; besides from your shouting appearance, I agree with your constructive approach


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

And what odds do you put on that, Mr. Blunt?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MG, 
I think your honesty and balance on this topic show a high level of self awareness. 

While it is easy to focus on what the WS did, there is a huge range of BS contribution - all the way from very little to total violation of the spirit of the vow 'to love'. 

No one tells you in pre marriage counseling that it is often the things you choose not to do which show love for your spouse. Not to reject your partner when they reach out to you, not to meet that woman from work for a harmless drink. 

If you read these boards they reflect a US based cultural conflict. It is mostly a HD/LD split so it ends up looking like a male female split. In this enlightened age where equality has mostly been achieved there is this pervasive theme that being a good H is not sufficient to allow you to expect sex. You are told that it isn't an entitlement

I roll my eyes at this nonsense because it is an attempt to ignore the first vow, to love while retaining the vow to forsake all others.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Margrace
> IF it turns out that we can both commit to R and IF we can both do the hard work that this implies and IF we can contribute the results of that work to the creation of the best marriage possible -- a marriage that the two of us have never had before -- then that would be a significant reward


.



By Blunt
Yes it would be a great reward. This is a good thread because it has several posters that are gaining. In fact Amplexor has proven that the marriage can be stronger.





> By Amplexor
> Five years post D-Day here. Me wife and I have moved on from the pain of the past and doing great. As hard as it was to move through, *the marriage is stronger for it*. It will take time but it can be done. Good luck and commit to the recovery


.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Interesting. I'm a year out from discovery, but my WS is still not coming completely clean. Even as recently as three weeks ago I found more stuff out he had been holding back. He first cheated nine years ago, back when our kids were very young. I had been clueless those years so it has really done a number on my memories. 

He wants to stay together, does mostly the right things, but the holding back of information has really done a number on reconciling. 

I have been struggling with the cynical aspect of life like you mentioned in your original post. I just view everything differently now. I think I will never love and trust like I did before, that is forever gone.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

10 months out from DD 1 - 1 year out from when WH started talking to OW. He triggered the other night. I knew they started talking in October of last year - just didn't know when and didn't ask. He came home from work, came straight over to me, hugged me tight, told me how much he loved me and how sorry he was and teared up. I asked him if he was OK and if there was anything he wanted to talk about. He said he was just lookng at the calendar - so now I know the day she sent him a FB message - "Hey, remember me?" I didn't need to ask anything - I knew, and I know it is eating him up inside. We are doing very good, but the next few months are going to be very tough some days just from triggers and events. I do better with my triggers now, but I think it might actually be tougher on him.


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

*HurtingBadly*

I'm really sorry to hear your WS is still trickle-truthing you a full year after D-Day. As if the PA isn't damaging enough, I will never understand how a WS can continue to inflict the pain and suffering they do with TT. 

You need to decide how important it is for you to know everything. I am a believer that you MUST ultimately forgive to successfully reconcile and rebuild a marriage. And it is IMPOSSIBLE to forgive someone for something until they confess and ask for the forgiveness. 

I know these are harsh words, but your husband is sabotaging your efforts to reconcile with his TT. You need to be honest and FIRM with him on this. Have you been?

My wife did the same for the first 3 weeks or so, until I finally made her realize the situation by packing her bags up and telling her she had to move out of the house and leave our two children and I until she figured out what she wanted. I told her I had called her parents and they said she was welcome to stay there for a while.

I also told her that failing to be 100% honest and forthcoming was ultimately a continuation of the affair and her betrayal and wouldn't be tolerated. Fortunately for me, the site of the packed bags on the back porch when she got from work and me calmly but firmly explaining this to her was what finally busted the floodgates open. It wasn't easy to hear, but I finally got the full story. And we could finally start focusing on working through things vs. rug sweeping.

There are really only two basic reasons that people cling to TT for this long:
1. He is continuing the affair you discovered (just took it underground)
2. He is scared sh!tless that you will leave if you know it all

You showing him it is over unless he "sacks up" and tells you EVERYTHING will address both, IMHO. Assuming it is his fear of losing you, your holding firm will actually set both of you free. Will it be easy to hear and deal with? No, but it's still way easier than what you are getting now, a year later and still in the dark.

One last point, Trickle-Truthing is still an indicator that the WS is focused on themselves as an individual vs. the BS and the marriage. This is especially troubling a year out. Help him shift his focus, or help him pack. You're better off either way!! :smthumbup:

Hope this doesn't feel harsh, want nothing but the best for you. Be strong and demand what YOU need. Good luck!


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I thought by having him take the poly that was telling him I'm tired of the lying. :scratchhead:

I totally agree with you, though. I can't forgive until I know what I'm forgiving. I've told him this before. Many, many times... It has caused me to be in an eternal state of limbo. 

Personally, I feel he's just too chicken to fess up to what he has done. His life is very different now, he no longer travels and has moved locations from his EA coworker. I've got pretty good tabs on him right now.

I feel pretty confident this is old buried crap that has just finally come up to bite him in the rear. 

I've sent him articles on TT, he knows darn well what it is. Ya, it's pretty friggin mean. We tried separating recently, it almost felt like I saw him just as much because of the kids. Only exception was he was sleeping elsewhere. It was a huge slap of reality. 

We go back to the counselor in a couple weeks. I'll be bringing this up again. Personally, I feel I've gotten about all I'm gonna get. His dad cheated on his mom when he was in middle school. My MIL told me they will never tell you the complete truth. She told me that a year ago. I almost wonder if his dad told him never to tell me... :scratchhead:


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Oh, and he'd rather go thru a divorce than tell the truth. Sad.

When we were separated he sent me a text that he loved me, was very sorry and was begging for my forgiveness. I texted him back what am I forgiving? And he didn't reply!


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

Sorry HurtingBadly, missed the poly portion of your story. Sounds like you are pushing about as hard as anyone could push - good for you! Sorry it still isn't getting you what you want. 

I am always amazed at the people who experience the trauma of an affair first hand through their parents, and then committ the same selfish act later on. One would think they would know better, but I guess it just shows NO ONE is immune.

My wife and I both come from really stable families and marriages, her parents celebrate 50 years together this year and mine celebrated 40 last year. She is the youngest of 9 kids, all married and no divorces. I am the middle of three kids, all married with no divorces. I made the typical foolish assumption that so many of us do, hence my handle. 

Needless to say, reality can be a cruel b!tch when she wants to!!!


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Ya, his mother even tried to kill herself because of the affair. He saw all of this, the ambulance, her going into treatment and then he goes and does the same exact thing to his kids. My counselor told me this usually repeats itself. To say I'm worried about my kids is an understatement. I've seen something similar in another family even recently.


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## margrace (Aug 12, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> Oh, and he'd rather go thru a divorce than tell the truth. Sad.
> 
> When we were separated he sent me a text that he loved me, was very sorry and was begging for my forgiveness. I texted him back what am I forgiving? And he didn't reply!


i am in exactly the same boat: WH would rather go through a divorce than tell the truth. unreal. because like yours, he also says that he loves me and wants us to work things out.

so i asked him to leave last night. 

it felt SO hurtful to not even be told what it was that i was forgiving.


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