# contacting old lover



## Layla83 (Sep 21, 2011)

Please tell me if I'm over reacting or not. About a few months ago I found some communication via facebook on my husband's account contacting the woman he cheating with on his ex wife. 

We spoke about it and he apologised and promised that his family is not worth loosing for this woman. 

Well today I saw another message to her on facebook. He once again apologised and said she's no one and he made a mistake. 

She live in another country but could come here as her family stays in our town. 

I once heard him referring to her as his soulmate. 
He is upset that I didn't just forgive him right away but I am so angry. I resent him and can't even look him in the eye. 

Also we haven't had sex in like 4 months and we hardly communicate. So something like this makes me doubt everything. 

Am I acting childish or do I have reason to still be upset. 
Also what makes a guy want to keep the communication going with and old flame secretively? Knowing his wife hates it yet its worth the risk? I'm sure I beat him to it today before he has a chance to delete it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheMask2 (Dec 25, 2011)

I also attempted to contact an old AP. Sexual difficulties now
after surgery... and I fondly remembered that affair. Very bad idea
to make a facebook friend. I've since un-friended.
Yes, you have every right to be upset. I've whacked myself
with the virtual 2x4 before the forum folks needed to.
(WS hertoo, sigma .... ) would have brought me to my senses.
this was a 20 yr in the past AP.
~~~~
"Somebody stop me ! " - Jim Carrey, The Mask


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## Layla83 (Sep 21, 2011)

Well he's now more upset then I am allowed to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

In my opinion, ex-lovers and ex-spouses should not be FB friends or have any contact unless absolutely necessary. Things like children or legal issues. But they can never be friends again, and they should not have any social contact.

FB and other electronic communications create a venue for old feelings to spring up quickly.

In the case of an affair partner, I think it is even worse. Affairs are fantasy, and chances are there was never a bad breakup due to big problems between them. We can have fond memories of an ex-lover or ex-spouse, but we can also remember the bad times. In an affair there may never have been bad times or even normal times, only fantasy times.

I think this is an issue to make a stand on. In all reasonableness, a spouse should be willing and happy to dump anyone from their FB and email, except maybe Mom or a childhood same-gender friend.


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## Layla83 (Sep 21, 2011)

Yeah well the last time I voiced my feelings but I was done fighting after a hour. My husband is a emotional manipulator so now he's laying like death walked over him. 

I don't know how to lay it on him. Right now I'm just not talking to him but I ironed his clothes, fixed him dinner (all while being angry). 

I just want to stand my ground for a day or two and make him realise I am not happy about this at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Layla83 (Sep 21, 2011)

Ok I'm going to try as I almost started talking normal to him again. 

Thanks for the advice. I think I should toughen up a bit and stop being a walk over. I always feel sorry for him but I'm going to let him feel it a bit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Layla - I had an EA with an old HS GF who looked me up on facebook. When she did I was happily married and hadn't thought of her in at least 18 years. 10 days after she sent me that friend request we were exchanging I love you's and having virtual sex routinely. Online relationships with old flames can go from innocent to disaster in the blink of an eye.

There is no reason to have a relationship with this woman. You must address this and kill it now - the longer you wait the harder it will be - I promise. Please please take this seriously and do not compromise on what you are willing to accept. If you give an inch where this woman is concerned today, weeks from now you will be trying to get back a mile. 

Stick to your guns and good luck.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Express your anger to him, your not his maid or mum. Its not ok for him to contact another woman while your doing the wife role. open up to him and tell him that your not going to put up with it any longer, he needs to delete her from facebook and if he rejects then tell him that your nt going to stay with him if he continues you dont deserve it and its not right his a married man not single. He needs to remember that he has wife and you need to remind him of the consequences for cheating even EA


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> You must address this and kill it now - the longer you wait the harder it will be - I promise. Please please take this seriously and do not compromise on what you are willing to accept. If you give an inch where this woman is concerned today, weeks from now you will be trying to get back a mile.
> 
> Stick to your guns and good luck.


:iagree:

My WH hooked up with an ex online and it turned into some kind of horrible affair. If I'd only been more vigilant and heeded the warning signs earlier, I might have been able to deal with it effectively. However, now that it's been going on for so long, it seems unlikely that he's ever going to agree to cut off contact (though he claims he did). Not only do these kinds of affairs have the fantasy component, there's a nostalgic thing that makes it even more enticing because the sense of history seems to legitimize the fantasy world in some strange way and then the illicitness becomes almost justifiable because it's really outside of time. 

Please be firm and demand that he cut off contact. He's pushing his limits with you and getting mad to throw you off. You should be upset with him because what he is doing does threaten your marriage and you should definitely try the 180, but also be sure to discuss the problem at some point to let him know that you are not okay with what he's doing. I hope this goes well for you!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No good can come from him talking to her. She helped betray his first marriage.....so there is that. 

He lied to you and said he wouldn't reach out to her again...then he did it again.

Tell him it's not appropriate and explain why. You shouldn't have to go into some long discussion as to the Why. If the shoe was on the other foot, he would absolutely loathe you talking to the man you cheatead on your first husband with (if that was the case).

Set up appropriate boundaries and make sure you follow through with consequences.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Yup. You need to scare him into knowing you mean BUSINESS. Do not let this carry on, as others have said, no good can come of it.

PM me if you want to know how I handled an almost identical situation.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Layla83 said:


> Please tell me if I'm over reacting or not. About a few months ago I found some communication via facebook on my husband's account contacting the woman he cheating with on his ex wife.
> 
> We spoke about it and he apologised and promised that his family is not worth loosing for this woman.
> 
> ...


 

*1. Forgiving too soon masks the pain.* One of the consequences of forgiving too early is that the couple (both the cheater and the betrayed) does not experience enough pain for each to make the necessary changes and to explore what went wrong in the marriage.

Believe it or not, but pain is actually a good thing. When someone experiences pain, it can promote self-exploration which can ultimately lead to change.
Think about when you go to the doctor when you are in pain. The doctor asks you to describe the pain, and from there he can help you to alleviate it.
Demonstrating anger and resentment often mask the pain and keeps the relationship at a standstill, as these emotions put up walls in the relationship and prohibit honest communication and exploration.
Often times when recovering from an affair, there is a seesaw effect, where one partner will experience the pain while the other does not. Both partners need to experience the pain at the same level.
*2. Forgiving too soon after the affair can let the cheating spouse off the hook.* The cheater wants to avoid the pain (one of the main reasons they were involved in an affair to begin with) by not wanting to talk about it. They just want to move on. By just moving on, the cheater thinks they can avoid seeing the betrayed spouse’s pain, while at the same time avoid experiencing their own.
This tends to stop the real honest communication that needs to be done in order to move on. It does nothing more than take the pressure off the cheater to do the work necessary to heal and to save the marriage.
*3. Forgiving too early after the affair does not give the betrayed spouse sufficient time to explore what was most upsetting about the affair.* Was it the lying? Was it the sharing of intimacy with someone else? Was it the betrayal itself? The betrayed spouse needs time to figure this out and be able to articulate that to the cheater.
Another important aspect of forgiveness is that it needs to be asked for. Just saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t cut it. The cheater needs to ask for forgiveness and explain it in terms that are meaningful and from the heart.
The cheater also needs to show true remorse not only with their words, but with their actions as well. The betrayed spouse can choose to forgive, not to forgive, or state that they cannot forgive right now, but they are working on it.
Likewise, the betrayed spouse will need to ask for forgiveness for some of their actions as well. It’s very much a two-way street.


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