# Advice needed



## guest703 (Jun 21, 2012)

Hello everyone, I thought I was the only guy on this forum that his wife cheated but when I started reading the "Coping with Infidelity" section I told myself "I'm not alone". Well in Dec of last yr my wife had a affair with my brother-in-law  We were going through hard times. I lost attraction towards her during that time. She would ask me to watch movies with her, go out walking with her, and etc but all I wanted to do was play video games (BF3) I would stop playing games around 1am in morning. In a way I wanted to leave her, I would sometime think to myself if she cheated on me that would be perfect because I could leave her but my thoughts came true. In Jan of this yr I saw my wife's cell and I saw she's been talking to my brother in law for hrs. I confronted her and she said they were just talking about there problems and then I confronted my brother in law and he said the same thing and he said he respected my family and he would never do that. I made him tell my sister and she was very mad. Couple days later my wife told me that they kiss but nothing else happen but I kept on asking her if they had sex she kept denying it in till she finally said yes they did. I asked her how many times and she said only 1 time but she was lying because I told my sister and she asked my bother in law and he said 3 times. I told her to go stay with cousin for a few days (4 days) because I didn't want to see her. My sister kicked my brother in law out the house for 5 months. Fast forward: My sister forgave her husband and she also forgave my wife. I forgave my wife but I haven't forgiven him. We are a christian family and the bible does say we have to forgive one another but it's to hard for me to do that. 

So the reason I'm posting this is because it still hurts me and I sometime want to cheat on my wife just for revenge. Will I have these feeling for ever? I would like to also get response from guys that forgave there wives and are happy with there decisions and what they are doing so that those bad thoughts won't come back. Sorry for the long post everyone.


Thank you


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Well if I'm correct, you have every right to divorce your wife because of her adultery.

Forgiveness does not equal staying with a cheating spouse.

But I for one, wouldn't advocate cheating on someone for revenge, not because I'd hurt that person but because it would cheapen me.

I did forgive my wife, and no I haven't cheated on her and have no desire to do so. Its just been a few months give yourself time and don't be too quick to forgive.Especially your wife, it takes two to tango remember


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

If you've forgiven your wife, why do you want a revenge affair? you mentioned that your main gripe is with your BIL.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Hi guest - sorry you are here.

Your not forgiving him is projecting the anger you feel for your wife because it is less painful that way. That and the rest of your post suggests you have both done a good deal of rug sweeping. You seem to be blaming her affair on your neglect, but know this, that part of it is HER problem which she needs to work through. You also need to work through why you neglected her and work out how to be a better husband, but you are not to blame for her affair.

I have forgiven my xWW (though EA not PA and the more I think that through the more important I see that as for me) and I am happy to be starting the long road of reconciliation. 

I strongly suggest some joint therapy, otherwise the chances are you will both head down the same route again, not having understood what happened fully.

Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Meant to add that a revenge affair is never a solution. Piling hurt on top of hurt never reduces hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You shouldn't even be with your wife unless she is falling over backwards to help you heal from what she did. Is she doing that? How?

Revenge cheating, like has already been said, just cheapens you. I never had any thoughts along those lines, but I guess it's common.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Do not have a revenge affair that would not solve anything. You still have anger issues. boy do I know what that is. I am glad to hear you are in R with your wife. I hope you two are in MC you will need it to build something new out of the ash of what was.

Best of luck


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The revenge affair could make you feel worse than your wife's affair. I speak from bitter personal experience.

Don't do it. Not worth it.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

A revenge affair sounds so tempting doesn't it. It's not. Your talking about another person, someone who may fall in love with you. Someone who's heart you may break.

if she is not trying to fix things with you. Leave. Games take away from the relationship and leave your spouse isolated. Stop playing the game and see what happens, also as others have said, Therapy.


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## muttgirl (Mar 23, 2012)

Im confused, you pushed her away, ignored her, and wished she would have an affair and now you are the victim? Do you want to be married? Are you lying to her about reconciling to punish her or be with her? Do you know what your feelings are? This is the out you prayed for, what gives?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I agree 100% with ing. Having a revenge affair will simply hurt an innocent bystander in the process...the OW you would use. 

Ahhh...when Regret and I started having communication problems after our miscarriage, she shut down. I tried talking to her, but to no avail. I then sought some kind of something and I found BF2 (tells you how long ago this began). I was one of the best snipers on my team and knife work was in the top 5%. After that, I moved to World of Warcraft. Regret never seemed to care. She was in her own little world that I wasn't a part of.

Stop the gaming. Stop now. I know it is a coping mechanism cuz it was for me. Do NOT let it interfere.

Unless, you don't love her anymore. In that case, even as a Christian I would say to you - the Bible and Christ speak of forgiveness. I don't recall anywhere He said it was okay to take sh_t.


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## guest703 (Jun 21, 2012)

Thanks everyone for all your advice. I already forgave my wife and I'm trying really hard to spend more time with her (take walks with her, go out eating, watch movies, and cut down on games) She always been a good wife to me in till her affair. She is trying really hard to win me back. She closed her FB account and she got rid of all her tight close because I use to get jealous when she wore it. It's hard for me to speak to ppl of my problem because I feel embarrassed (less of a man) I feel I should have gone over my sis house and taught him lesson but I didn't it. Sometime I feel happy when I with her but sometime I feel mad and I want to get revenge. Hopefully the mad part will go away. I forgot to mention the big reason I didn't get a divorce because of my 2 yr old son. It will be really hard for me to take care of him and I want to me a good remodel for my son just as my father was to me. Thanks again everyone for the advice.


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

You are not less of a man for seeking advice/help. We all need help when we face traumatic events, we're all human.

I'm happy that you were able to forgive your wife, but make sure you did not simply "rug sweep" the affair. You should attend marriage counseling, read books and online help. It's important for your wife to take steps to ensure you this will never happen again. If you just forgave her and let it go, it could easily happen again.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

In addition to your religious beliefs and practices, you might want to think about counseling, if not for both of you, at least for you to help process this anger in as healthy a way as possible.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Hi guest,

You sound like a good person and I wish you the very best of luck.

That said, I do think that you need to look more closely at what happened here. The mad part will not just 'go away' on its own. You might be able to bottle it back up, but unless you both understand what happened there is a very good chance it will happen again at some point down the line.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thebuckest (Jul 10, 2012)

guest703 said:


> Thanks everyone for all your advice. I already forgave my wife and I'm trying really hard to spend more time with her (take walks with her, go out eating, watch movies, and cut down on games) She always been a good wife to me in till her affair. She is trying really hard to win me back. She closed her FB account and she got rid of all her tight close because I use to get jealous when she wore it. It's hard for me to speak to ppl of my problem because I feel embarrassed (less of a man) I feel I should have gone over my sis house and taught him lesson but I didn't it. Sometime I feel happy when I with her but sometime I feel mad and I want to get revenge. Hopefully the mad part will go away. I forgot to mention the big reason I didn't get a divorce because of my 2 yr old son. It will be really hard for me to take care of him and I want to me a good remodel for my son just as my father was to me. Thanks again everyone for the advice.


Welcome guest sorry to hear about the circumstances that got you here. I just wanted to debunk a repetitive thing that I have seen on these boards and in no way is it an insult to ur decison to r. A lot of people say they stay around for there children and this makes absolutely no sense. To be a good role model for yoyr kids you also have to show him what a good marriage is. Staying in a marriage that lacks love and affection among many things is actually a bad example for him to see. So in effect if your not staying for the right reasons your actually hurting your child. Just an observation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Being in a loveless marriage may not be good for kids, I agree, but kids are a good incentive to stay and create a loving marriage again. In that sense staying for the kids can be a good thing to do.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> I agree 100% with ing. Having a revenge affair will simply hurt an innocent bystander in the process...the OW you would use.
> 
> Ahhh...when Regret and I started having communication problems after our miscarriage, she shut down. I tried talking to her, but to no avail. I then sought some kind of something and I found BF2 (tells you how long ago this began). I was one of the best snipers on my team and knife work was in the top 5%. After that, I moved to World of Warcraft. Regret never seemed to care. She was in her own little world that I wasn't a part of.
> 
> ...



Always hated snipers


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Always hated snipers


LOL! You're welcome!


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## guest703 (Jun 21, 2012)

*Re: Advice needed (Update)*

Hello everyone, It's been been more than a yr now since my wife cheated but the pain hasn't gone away especially when I see my sister husband. A lot has happen since I last post on here. We have a new baby boy (3 month old) and My 3 yr old son was diagnosed with cancer  When my wife was pregnant I use to tell my self that the baby probably wasn't mine. I think that she might still be cheating on me. Is this normal? I know I forgave my wife but I still have this thoughts in my head. Yesterday we passed by the store, wife went inside while I waited in the car and my sister's husband showed up couple min later  I think they saw each other and that's when I got mad. She got in the car and I didn't speak to her at all. I slept in another room with my son. This morning she asked me why am I mad and I told her that I saw him going into the store and she probably saw him. She says that she didn't but I have a feeling she did. Am I acting stupid or has this ever happen to someone else? It's hard for me to forget especially since the guy that my wife had an affair with is my sister husband. My sister forgave my wife and now they are really good friends. There is no way that i'm going to be like that with that scumbag .

Thanks


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

*Re: Advice needed (Update)*



guest703 said:


> Hello everyone, It's been been more than a yr now since my wife cheated but the pain hasn't gone away especially when I see my sister husband. A lot has happen since I last post on here. We have a new baby boy (3 month old) and My 3 yr old son was diagnosed with cancer  When my wife was pregnant I use to tell my self that the baby probably wasn't mine. I think that she might still be cheating on me. Is this normal? I know I forgave my wife but I still have this thoughts in my head. Yesterday we passed by the store, wife went inside while I waited in the car and my sister's husband showed up couple min later  I think they saw each other and that's when I got mad. She got in the car and I didn't speak to her at all. I slept in another room with my son. This morning she asked me why am I mad and I told her that I saw him going into the store and she probably saw him. She says that she didn't but I have a feeling she did. Am I acting stupid or has this ever happen to someone else? It's hard for me to forget especially since the guy that my wife had an affair with is my sister husband. My sister forgave my wife and now they are really good friends. There is no way that i'm going to be like that with that scumbag .
> 
> Thanks


I am so sorry you are dealing with your child having cancer.
Your wife and your sister being close as you say is not healthy at all. After all your wife is the AP to her H. :scratchhead:
I know religion includes forgiveness but this is crazy in my opinion. If it were me I would not be able to allow any of this in my life. I wish you the best and if you can make it through this mess you are a much better man than I.
Concentrate on the kids my friend, your wife sounds like an awful person. her being so close to the sister is kind of rubbing the whole thing in your face IMO. Kind of like sleeping with your sisters husband was. Sounds like she has no issue with hurting you over and over to me. Also sounds like you are taking it,


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey guest---you got a double betrayal dropped on you, and that makes everything hard to get over----but----bottom line---YOU DID NOT TAKE VOWS WITH YOUR BIL---Your BIL did not spit on your wedding ring---Your BIL did not sacrifice kids up to the gods of adultery, and the nuclear winter that comes with it---it is your wife that did all of that---your beef is with one person---YOUR WIFE

She may have a legit gripe as to you and the mge---but she had no right to give herself to another man

So you are still unhappy, but you go ahead and make another child with your cheating wife---

You have tied yourself even more into this mge, yet you still want to either revenge cheat, or possibly get out of the mge---obviously the other option is to stay in the mge, and continue on in this misery you are embroiled in

What is it, that you really want,---is your wife accountable and remorseful enuff----she may still be cheating, she may not---you are never gonna trust her---so the episode at the market is common for what a betrayed spouse goes thru---you are not out of the ordinary

You gotta decide what you want---either stay in this mge, and put your full effort into it, or get out---your wife for her part needs to talk to you about everything, as she should have done prior to her cheating---had she threatened you with D, when you were ignoring her---just maybe you would not be here---but she didn't---she cheated---so here you are

A year later, and you are still unhappy, and triggering---it goes with the territory---you stay with her, you are gonna get more of the same, you leave, and things might change for you----BUT---since you decided to make another child with her---where does that really leave you

You gotta decide what you want---for the rest of your life


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

*Re: Advice needed (Update)*



guest703 said:


> Hello everyone, It's been been more than a yr now since my wife cheated but *the pain hasn't gone away* especially when I see my sister husband. A lot has happen since I last post on here. We have a new baby boy (3 month old) and My 3 yr old son was diagnosed with cancer  When my wife was pregnant I use to tell my self that the baby probably wasn't mine. *I think that she might still be cheating on me*. Is this normal? I know I forgave my wife but *I still have this thoughts in my head*. Yesterday we passed by the store, wife went inside while I waited in the car and my sister's husband showed up couple min later  I think they saw each other and that's when I got mad. She got in the car and I didn't speak to her at all. I slept in another room with my son. This morning she asked me why am *I mad and I told her that I saw him going into the store and she probably saw him. She says that she didn't but I have a feeling she did*. Am I acting stupid or has this ever happen to someone else? *It's hard for me to forget *especially since the guy that my wife had an affair with is my sister husband. My sister forgave my wife and now they are really good friends. *There is no way that i'm going to be like that with that scumbag *.


Just a couple of observations from your post.

1. The first bold parts show that you do not trust your WW. Completely normal. Why should you?

2. The last bold part shows that you only believe in forgiveness when it is convenient. Your wife doesn't necessarily deserve your forgiveness, yet she was given it. Your BIL is clearly not forgiven. If you use the Christian rationale, shouldn't you forgive both?

Guest, this is not to pick on you. This is to help you understand that forgiveness does not mean you have to stay married. Forgiveness is for you, not them.

Trust is a cornerstone of a marriage vow. You have no trust for her.

So sorry you are back. I feel horrible that your child has cancer.

If God allows divorce, why don't you start new? 

Forgiveness really doesn't have anything to do with staying married.

My $0.02.

Thanks for the update.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

look it is obvious that you feel guilty for your part in a bad marriage great. However Your anger and frustrations belong to your wife not the idiot that screwed you and your sister over. As far as forgiveness sure forgive her. But the bible doesn't tell us to forget. It just tells us to forgive. IF you are worried about D and what the bible says since she had sexual relations with another man You can divorce her with a clear conscience. You have that right. It also sounds like you need to separate yourselves from the OM. If for your marriage and sanity your wife has to go full NC with the OM then so be it. If your sister asks whats up send her to this site and we will help her too. Infidelity is not something that you just get over. it lingers and poisons every part of the relationship. But just like any other issue in marriage if you work through it and resolve to let it point out the flaws in your marriage and you grow from it. Then it is possible to be happy after an Affair. It also sounds like you need to see a MC and even IC. IT's hard my story not nearly as bad as others. i cut off and EA my wife was developing and had I not I wouldn't be married right now. I am pretty certain anyway.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

guest703 said:


> Hello everyone, I thought I was the only guy on this forum that his wife cheated but when I started reading the "Coping with Infidelity" section I told myself "I'm not alone". Well in Dec of last yr my wife had a affair with my brother-in-law  We were going through hard times. I lost attraction towards her during that time. She would ask me to watch movies with her, go out walking with her, and etc but all I wanted to do was play video games (BF3) I would stop playing games around 1am in morning. In a way I wanted to leave her, I would sometime think to myself if she cheated on me that would be perfect because I could leave her but my thoughts came true. In Jan of this yr I saw my wife's cell and I saw she's been talking to my brother in law for hrs. I confronted her and she said they were just talking about there problems and then I confronted my brother in law and he said the same thing and he said he respected my family and he would never do that. I made him tell my sister and she was very mad. Couple days later my wife told me that they kiss but nothing else happen but I kept on asking her if they had sex she kept denying it in till she finally said yes they did. I asked her how many times and she said only 1 time but she was lying because I told my sister and she asked my bother in law and he said 3 times. I told her to go stay with cousin for a few days (4 days) because I didn't want to see her. My sister kicked my brother in law out the house for 5 months. Fast forward: My sister forgave her husband and she also forgave my wife. I forgave my wife but I haven't forgiven him. We are a christian family and the bible does say we have to forgive one another but it's to hard for me to do that.
> 
> So the reason I'm posting this is because it still hurts me and I sometime want to cheat on my wife just for revenge. Will I have these feeling for ever? I would like to also get response from guys that forgave there wives and are happy with there decisions and what they are doing so that those bad thoughts won't come back. Sorry for the long post everyone.
> 
> ...


I have a slightly different take on revenge affairs. I don't believe you should have a revenge affair. However I believe that at the moment your wife had sexual contact with the BIL your marriage - in terms of the spiritual, moral and ethical comitment - ENDED. It only exists on paper now. Her intentionally violating the central provision of the contract renders the contract null and void. That's how I would view it. 

So I think you should take off your wedding ring for now and put it in a safe place. separate if you can afford to, but otherwise feel free to look around to see if there's anyone better out there - before you recommit to her. 


tell your wife you are no longer her husband in any way except on a legal paper, unless or until you both decide to 
renew this commitment in personal terms....i.e to reconcile. Until THEN you should be free to date anyone, including her, or not date or see anyone....the same choice any single person would have


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Guest.

I understand that you want to go over to the BIL's house and light him up. He deserves it but what you don't understand is this.

He didn't rape your wife. She was a willing participant in the affair. She undressed and got in to bed with him willingly. No gun to her head or threats. She's just as guilty as he is. She is a grown woman and knows right from wrong, good from bad and if she would have said the magic word, NO, then none of this would have happened. 

Now if your going trying to repair your marriage then I wish you luck and hope you can, but your making it easier to throw the BIL under the bus and turning a blind eye to the other culprit. Your wife. 

As far as revenge by having an affair. Your wife see's the looks you give her and the anger you show towards her so go out and have your affair and if you think it's tough now picking up the pieces in your marriage, think how hard it will be when both of you are at each others throats. Don't forget, you have a child.


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