# Guys POV: If you are considering proposing, are you comfortable talking about it?



## A.Benet (Oct 26, 2010)

I'm curious and I want to hear what men have to say. I'm 34, never married, no kids yet and I'm in a 2.5 year relationship with a guy (he's 36) that I'm absolutely in love with and I am hoping for a proposal soon.

We decided to live together around the 2 year mark and I think things are going well. We seem to be going with the normal flow. We've talked about marriage and children in the "If and When" sense, but no concrete plans. We've joked about how we'll be when we're 70 (together) and when asked during a recent serious discussion, he's told me that his future does include me and I'm the one that he sees being the mother of his children, although I know he is scared of hearing those 2 dreaded words "I'm pregnant." I'm also trying not to read into words, but I'm a woman... we tend to do that. LOL 

I guess the problem is, he was previously married and cheated on. Although I truely believe he has let go of that experience, and I'm completely the opposite from her. I cant help but think he's putting off remarriage for as long he possibly can. That would be fine if we were in our 20's but 40 is coming quickly... and I feel like I'm ready for marriage. Not so much for the "day" but to be there for and with one person I can count on, that I can build a life and family with. The talks about "when we're 7o" have died down... I'm hoping because we're just getting so used to each other, its all part of the process. I'll also admit, my last serious relationship ended 6 years ago, and the last time I lived with a BF ended 8 years ago, so I sometimes feel like I forget what its like... and how to relax, handle things and recognize whats nromal. I have a vision of whats fair in a relationship (50/50 atleast) but I forget reality doesn't always work out like that.

I have flaws that I try to correct and get over so I try not to assume history will repeat itself. I'm not controlling, jealous or clingy, I respect him, I'm independent and can take care of myself, reliable and trust worthy, I'm not afraid of him cheating. We dont argue or fight alot and he generally sings my praises and says how luck he is. I try to do the same and he instantly criticizes himself. Otherwise We generally have a great relationship and he makes me happier than I've ever been but the thing I'm afraid of is "its never going to happen." I've been honest with him from day one, so none of this is news to him. He knows how I feel, but I'm not hearing anything that leads me to believe he's even thinking about proposing anytime soon. And the thing is... I dont really ever talk about these things in the sense of: I dont pressure him or drop hints because I hope it happens and organically at that. But I feel like I have to press him to find out what his feelings are sometimes. I dont want to do that, I dont want to pressure him, drive him crazy or give him an ultimatum, but within the next year, I'd like to know if its ever going to happen and when. And I'm the type of girl who will stick to the ultimatum...even though I dont want to start over with ANYONE. I love him, I want him, but I cant make him think like me or feel like me and my time and life goals are just as important as his. From what he's said, we're on the same page and we do want the same things. I guess I just want them sooner, I want to see action now, not just lip-service, that we're moving in the same direction or atleast a glimmer of hope so I know I'm not wasting my time. As corney as it sounds, I guess I think that ..."I know I want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him, "I DONT THINK" he knows if I'm "The One"

Is it possibly that I'm (again) putting too much thought into this? Do men ever feel comfortable about getting married [again] and having kids, especially after divorce? Or are there men that are totally in love and know they want to marry their GF's but are just not comfortable actually discussing it? Has anyone ever suprized his girlfriend with a proposal that she never thought would come? I have a guy friend that has complete faith in my BF and tells me to "just wait it out... it'll happen.... A watched pot never boils.." Ok, but I'm starting to feel like I have to turn up the heat to get it to boil.

I dont want to give up hope, but I feel like I'm starting to and its going to cause me to doubt him and drive us both nuts. Am I normal? I guess at this point in life, I just want to get on with my life and start thinking about family. Any Advice? Constructive criticism is very welcome:scratchhead:

I'm sorry this is so long guys, thanks for skimming along. LOL


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

For me personally? No. I cannot imagine circumstances under which I would want to remarry.

Is it possible that my opinion will change? Sure. But I can tell you if he got burned, both by being cheated on and in the divorce, then it becomes tough to see the upside of being married - especially if you are still paying for your failed first marriage.

So ... if you love him and know you don't want to be with anyone else, then why would an ultimatum even enter your mind? Although, I do firmly believe that he owes you honesty at the very least.

Here's the secret I learned following the death of my marriage:

There is no "One". It's a lovely idea, but that's all it is.

I'm presuming if he tells you that he wants to marry you, but doesn't want kids, that's still a deal breaker for you. Therefore, he ain't 'the one'. You will find another one that will give you the offspring you desire. 

If you are in clock-watching mode, honestly, I don't see a shiny happy ending here. But you do have my best wishes nonetheless.


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## A.Benet (Oct 26, 2010)

Deejo- Thanks for your opinion. As far as his divorce went, it was actually pretty painless. There was no disagreements and he's not paying for anything. Simple split.

I hate to admit it, but I might be in "clock watching mode." I dont want to be, but at 34 when a woman has never been pregnant before and wants kids, she gets a little scared of her fertility. Not all women, but I'd say most in my position. 

He's said he wants to have kids someday, I think he just wants it to be more "expected" and I think he's scared and I would think any man or woman would have fears of that... I'm scared of it and I want to go through the whole experience. Deal breaker...??? Maybe. I atleast want to try... and he actually agrees with that.

I respect what you're saying about "the one", although I can imagine if you went through a messy divorce, you might be a little cynical to relationships and love all together for a while...and with good reason. Maybe "The One" is a myth for many people, but I do believe two people can live a happy and fullfilled life together... for the rest of their lives if they want the same things. I think today, most people are too self and willing to give up too easy, or they jump in too quickly....then again, I'm just going by what I've seen in others... so I dont know how valid my opinion is never have been married.

I'm not so sure he's "lieing" to me, but maybe putting this off as long as he can. But like I said, I over analyze things too much.

Thank you for your opinion... : )


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I don't think it would be out of line to put your cards on the table about your wish to have children and how practically speaking your best fertility has already peaked. 

That if you wait too much longer regarding having a family, it gets all the more problematic.

Being practical about it, getting the birthing of children done by 40 is a better decision than waiting. 

Do the math. Twenty years out from 40 is 60. Etc.

You don't have to pressure him for a ring and a date if you don't want to. It just is better to not have some discussion 5 years from now where he acts like he didn't realize it as that important.

If he loves you, but doesn't want to have children, he should say so so you can either accept him that way with no regrets or can move on and find someone else who wants to have children with you.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

A.Benet said:


> I do believe two people can live a happy and fullfilled life together... for the rest of their lives if they want the same things.


I think that is a fine thing to believe. I wouldn't knock you for it, cynical or not. I believed it too. Still do.

Unfortunately, 'wanting the same things' is subject to change without notice - especially if there are already gaps in communication.

He needs to be all in. No questions, no doubts. Anything less and you are selling yourselves short, and setting up an eventual failure and another heartbreak, add kids to that mix and it is exponentially worse. Trust me.

That's not cynicism, that's reality.


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## A.Benet (Oct 26, 2010)

Deejo, I completely agree... I'm wondering if its normal for men to not show as much enthusiasm as women. I've always thought that men are more "go with the flow" and women are more the communicators and planners. 

Earlier in our relationship, he brought up the conversation about marriage and family and I laid my cards out on the table. I asked him if he wanted the same... he told me he did want children and he would get married again. He's also recently told me that he doesn't want to start another relationship and that he doesn't want anyone else but me.... 

I guess I mean, despite the fact that he's told me he wants the same things, but he doesn't talk about it "so much now," is that a red flag that he's telling me what I want to hear? Or am I reading into too much and he just doesn't like to talk about these things...maybe until we are actually in planning mode??? Is that possible? By no means do I think someone needs to be married to have children, thats just the order I'd prefer. But you are right, if its not meant to be, adding children to the mix is just going to make things worse. And I'm not going to try to get pregnant to save a relationship or just for the sake of having a baby.

And in no other parts of our relationship are there gaps in communication... I think you could already gather that I'm a communicator... LOL. But when it comes to marriage and starting a family, its a topic that isn't talked about in concrete terms and I also dont want to push it down his throat. So I'm just trying to not jump to conclusions and give it reasonable time. I think within the next 6 mo - year , if he's not already talking about it or proposing, I'm to ask him what the deal is. 

But again, provokes my original question... when a man is planning on proposing, is he comfortable talking about all of this with his GF... before he even pops the question?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Have you considered proposing to him? No weird passive aggressive nagging or hints there!

No one can tell you what your BF may or may not be comfortable discussing. I know the kid question with my DH was really tough. He wasn't "ready," didn't know when he would be ready, didn't even know what ready looked like. With kids, patience is really all there is. IF you have faith that he is going to come to it.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I have a gal pal go through a similiar situation, but she was younger, so not us much pressure in regards to kids. I'll tell you like i told her... make your ultimatum, and stand by it. It sucks, because a woman shouldn't have to do this. A man should cherish her and step to the plate like he is supposed to, especially if he's dropping hints like he's going to make the move. 

You get one shot at this life, do you want to wake up 2 years from now and still be in the same boat. Having friends, meet, marry and have kids during the same stretch waiting for this guy to make up his mind on what he wants to do. It may come off as you nagging or putting presure on him, but you need answers and this is the best way to go about it so he understands you are serious. If you line in the sand is crossed... bail!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

We could do all kinds of speculating. 

Best advice I can give you; he knows where you stand. Do not repeatedly bring it up.

Demonstrate that you are in love with _him_, not the notion of him as a husband and father. I don't mean for that to sound cryptic. Basically, there is likely a part of him that wants to know that you are wired into him and what he wants ... as opposed to simply convincing him to come onboard with what you want. I hope that makes sense.

In simplest terms, I'd suggest backing off the heavy stuff and focus back on connecting, communicating, and having fun. 

If you _can't_ do that, and under the surface you are on edge, that is going to translate over to him as well. 

I don't fault you for wanting marriage and motherhood, but particularly in light of your BF's history, I think if he perceives it as an agenda item for you, it's going to make him hesitant.


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## A.Benet (Oct 26, 2010)

Michzz-Again I agree. I'm wondering if I wrote something that is suggesting that he definitely doesn't want to have children, or if its just a guy code thing where guys just know... LOL. 

All I can go by is what he's said to me and not in just one or two conversations... we've had our "scares" and he's great with kids and seemed to be amazed with how I am with kids. He thinks I'm a natural with them... for me... that to me sounds like someone who knows he wants to be a father, even if he's scared of it. He knows how I feel and what I want. He knows how important it is to me and that feeling isn't going to just disappear. I think I'm more in a hurry than he is, mostly because of my age. 

And Lets just say, in 5 years from now, I will NOT BE HAVING THIS DISCUSSION. I believe all good things are worth waiting for within a reasonable time limit. And (Deejo) I only mention ultimatum because... quite simply, I want to move in a certain direction in my life.... If "I knew" he didn't want those things, I would not waste my time holding my breath thinking something will change... and he know that as well. But just because he's not talking about it or planning marriage and family right now, does that mean he doesn't even want those things?

And while I'm at it, what is a reasonable time frame to men to start comptemplating marriage? After a divorce and in a new relationship? I know everyone is different, but I think there are some other women that would like to know an honest idea too.. LOL. 

Thanks both of you! : )


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## A.Benet (Oct 26, 2010)

Deejo- that makes perfect sense. I think that is great advice and probably something I would advise to someone else... like many people, I have a tough time following my own advice. LOL... Most of the time, I'm pretty laid back, its just this topic that I dont know what hes thinking or planning. But you're right, I just have to focus more on the good and less on where is it going. And hopefully either I'll figure it out or it'll fall in line. Thank you!

Rob774- I'm hoping that I never have to do give the ultimatum, but as patient as I am, I wont wait around another 2 years wondering if or when he's gonna be ready. The sad thing is, I'm not sure what my gut is telling me... because I tend to over analyze...its my fatal flaw. For the most part, he does cherish me...he acts as though I'm a goddess in all respects... he talks to his family and friends in the sense of "we" and he treats me very well... but I just cant get a read on this part... maybe I am trying too hard to figure him out.

vthomeschoolmom- LOL... I've thought about it, but only if I knew he'd say yes... I KNOW... thats double standard, but I'm a little old fashioned in that respect. I want to be asked. LOL

As for how he communicates, he's not a "talker" thats me. In my experience, men dont want to talk about feelings... I get that, and they sometimes speak first and then think... but when it comes to serious discussions, he doesn't run or avoid them either so I have to give him credit there, he goes through the "talks" with me, doesn't mean he has to enjoy them, but he does communicate with me, he's just not in a rush to the altar. I understand and respect that but eventually, something is going to change one way or another. I hope for the better.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Don't get me wrong, I think you are absolutely entitled to want those things.
I suppose that is where I hope your partner _isn't_ being selfish, and will be open and honest with you in terms of what he wants for his life.

In the scheme of things, I would be more concerned if he were recently divorced and was gung-ho to jump into marriage and parenthood with you. That would be a huge red flag.

I got snipped after my divorce. No kids. No surprises. I have two, whom I love dearly. Don't want more. I'm fine with a partner that has kids of their own, but I have no interest or desire to father any more.

I think the timeframe simply is what it is. I have a friend whose wife divorced him because he didn't want children in her timeframe. Five years later they were both remarried. He has 4 kids, and she discovered she can't have kids. Life can be ironic like that.

Sincerely, I wish you the best.



A.Benet said:


> I only mention ultimatum because... quite simply, I want to move in a certain direction in my life.... If "I knew" he didn't want those things, I would not waste my time holding my breath thinking something will change... and he know that as well. But just because he's not talking about it or planning marriage and family right now, does that mean he doesn't even want those things?
> 
> And while I'm at it, what is a reasonable time frame to men to start comptemplating marriage? After a divorce and in a new relationship? I know everyone is different, but I think there are some other women that would like to know an honest idea too.. LOL.
> 
> Thanks both of you! : )


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## A.Benet (Oct 26, 2010)

Deejo- I'd be lieing if I said that what happened to your ex and his wife aren't two of my greatest fears, but I suppose I've made that obvious by now. LOL If science could gaurentee me that I could naturally have a healthy baby within 5 or more years from now, I wouldn't even be worried about it... I'd just wait until one day it happens... but I dont have that gaurentee and honestly, I dont want to be too much older than my children.

And if he was gung ho to remarry to soon, I would have ran the other way...thats just not healthy. But we both agreed to take our time and not rush into anything... I just think that after 2 or 3 years, its not "rushing" to want to start thinking about marriage and having a family soon.

Bottom line is...I dont want to get married to have a child... as important as both are to me, I could get married next year and not be able to have kids ever and if it isn't meant to be, I'll handle it then...but I still want to try. And I still want to try to be married and make the best out of it. I just really want it to be with the person I'm in love with right now. 

Thanks for the advice Deejo.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

time frames are different if you are not living together vs living together.

2-3 years living together is ample time to know.

Longer time frame if not.

Individuals are not blanket statements though.


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## A.Benet (Oct 26, 2010)

Michzz- No of course not, I understand what you're saying. Just thinking maybe I'm expecting too much too soon.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Would it help your anxiety to have some of your eggs frozen?

It's a rather simple procedure.

At 34, they're still high quality.

Might buy you an extra year or two of emotional comfort while you wait.

I wouldn't let it drag past 2 more years, however.


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