# How can I win my unwilling husband back?



## yayas

My husband, I believe, is in a depression. He is 27 and I am 24. We have been together for nearly 6 years and married for 6 months. Over the last month he became increasingly distant. He stopped sleeping in the bed, stopped kissing me, stopped asking me for rides to and from work (we have one car), stopped asking about my day and wouldn't answer questions about his, etc. 

He told me one night he didn't know what he wanted anymore. Then a week later he said he was done, that he wasn't in love with me anymore. He said he has checked out of the relationship. He told me he wants a divorce. That he doesn't want to hang out with me, doesn't want to have sex with me, doesn't want to be with me. He also wants to move far away. 

We have had a lot, a lot of stress in life. He has also switched jobs about every 4 months in the last year and he hasn't finished school or done things he has always wanted to do. We struggled to communicate there for a while and things were very, very hard. He does not want to reconcile or try to save our marriage. He will not try counseling or try to do anything to save it. 

I went on a trip that the both of us were supposed to go on (alone) and when I returned he had all my things packed up and all of our pictures taken down from the wall and kindly asked me to stay at my parent's house because he was going to push through with the divorce. 

This was 2 weeks ago. He hasn't filed, but I have convinced him to let me move back in the house. I went because I thought space would be good for him, but I don't think it has helped. He isn't taking care of himself and he hasn't changed his mind at all. He agreed to live together with no romantic relationship and with us splitting the cost of living (he paid all of it before as I am a full time student). 

I have heard of this sort of thing happening before. Now I have an opportunity to be present with him and help him see that he can have a happy life with me and that he needs to find his internal happiness. What sorts of things can I do to facilitate his falling in love with me and his being happy again?

Please do not tell me to divorce him. He is a wonderful person who is going through something terrible and it's difficult for me. If he were to reconcile with me, I would require us to get some counseling and work really hard at our marriage or else I couldn't stay. I love my husband with all of my heart and soul. 

What sorts of things can I do to soften his heart if he is resistant and doesn't want a romantic relationship at all with me??? Just letting me live near him is a sign there is something still in his heart, believe me.


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## Mr Blunt

> What sorts of things can I do to facilitate his falling in love with me and his being happy again?


*Your very best chance is for you to become strong within yourself. *That means that you do everything you can to build yourself up and become as self sufficient as possible. Another thing that you can do is to demand respect. You must be strong if you are ever going to have a chance at helping him. Never beg for his affection or for him to love you. Begging can become disgusting. 

Do not think that you can make him love you; that is just too much responsibility for you to put on yourself and it will not work. You are at an emotional disadvantage because you desire him emotionally and he does not desire you. That is a very good reason for you to get stronger. Your chances are much better to have your husband look to you if you are stronger and not needy. He is needy but in a different way and cannot get help from another needy person.

*What does he say are the reasons that he no longer desires you?*




> Now I have an opportunity to be present with him and help him see that he can have a happy life with me and that he needs to find his internal happiness


I hope you realize that you are very limited in helping him with his internal happiness. You husband has refused outside help and that has limited his recourses considerably. If his depression is something biological then getting him the proper medication could help considerably. If he has some internal negative physiological emotions then the medications will not help that much. I know that you love him but if he has internal issues within himself then he will have to change his attitude in order to get a lot better.


My response above is based on your very limited information so if you want others to give a more detailed response you may want to give more detail. *Has he been like this for months or years? What are the “Lots of Stress “that you both have?*


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## yayas

Mr Blunt said:


> *What does he say are the reasons that he no longer desires you?*



He just said he woke up one day and felt like that. He didn't really give me any reasons. 



Mr Blunt said:


> My response above is based on your very limited information so if you want others to give a more detailed response you may want to give more detail. Has he been like this for months or years? What are the “Lots of Stress “that you both have?


Well, he has done this before on a smaller scale when we were dating. He said a switch went off in his head. While we were broken up he cut all of his hair off, changed his job, got all new clothes, traveled with some friends, spent Christmas alone, and just was lonely. Then we reconciled and I don't think he ever really dealt with those feelings he had. 

This time... the first I heard of him being unhappy was January 10th. The first time he told me he wanted a divorce was the end of January and he told me he was certainly going to file 2 weeks ago. 

He says there is nothing we can do and it's best to just accept it and I need to let him live his life. 

True happiness has nothing to do with marital status. It just enhances it. I wish he could see that. He is being irrational and I suspect smoking and other behaviors. It's like a mid life crisis at 27....


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## yayas

The stress that we had was his boss didn't pay him for an entire month of work, we got an eviction notice and we had to file a claim with the labor board. I got very sick as well. Then he had to get 2 full time jobs and I had to work extra hours with my 3 jobs while going to school full time to make up that money. Our dog started to get neglected and would poop in the house. We would hardly see each other, never even sharing a regular meal together for about a month and a half. 

Right when he quit one of his jobs and things slowed down for us is when he said all of this.


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## LongWalk

How old are you?


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## yayas

LongWalk said:


> How old are you?


24


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

yayas:

Dating exclusively from such a young age always seems romantic; very Romeo & Juliet. But the reality is that people change A LOT between 18yo and 28yo. A LOT.

He sounds depressed.
He may be reassessing the value of being married forever to the ONLY woman he's ever had an adult relationship with.
He's meeting other people, he's experiencing life changes. The fact that he wants to be "roommates" with you implies to me that he's interested in seeing/meeting/interacting with other women. 
What was right for him as a 21yo man may no longer be what he believes (rightly or wrongly) is right for him as a 27yo man.

Be STRONG ENOUGH in yourself, yayas, to walk away from this relationship if you are forced to. Be STRONG ENOUGH in yourself to live on your own and find out who YOU are. If he pulls the plug on this relationship, there's NOTHING you can do about it. You need to be healthy enough to be ALONE in the event that *that* is what he demands. 

You can't make him want you. You can't make him love you. You can't make him happy with himself. You can only do for yourself. And take care of yourself. Being roommates with him would be a BIG MISTAKE. He's either 'in' or he's 'out'. Otherwise, he'll be cake-eating. 

Suggest he see a doctor for a physical check up (including blood work).


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## Mr Blunt

*



He told me one night he didn't know what he wanted anymore
He said a switch went off in his head.

Click to expand...

*Your husband is one mixed up man! He can not even understand why he is like he is; at least that is what his limited words above tell me.


*



I suspect smoking and other behaviors

Click to expand...

*.
If your “smoking” means illegal drugs then that would make a little sense. “Smoking” is usually an escape from reality and he sure seems to not like his life.






> The stress that we had was his boss didn't pay him for an entire month of work, we got an eviction notice and we had to file a claim with the labor board. I got very sick as well. Then he had to get 2 full time jobs and I had to work extra hours with my 3 jobs while going to school full time to make up that money. Our dog started to get neglected and would poop in the house. We would hardly see each other, never even sharing a regular meal together for about a month and a half.
> 
> Right when he quit one of his jobs and things slowed down for us is when he said all of this.



Your situation above would be very high on the stress level. Although stress can be a huge factor my guess is that he has also some internal problems that were there that goes back several years when you and he were dating. He had some of the same behavior back then.



*



He says there is nothing we can do and it's best to just accept it and I need to let him live his life.

Click to expand...

*His adamant statement above is a very strong s and I doubt that there is much you can do to change him. *However, sometimes a real shock crises can make a person like him get another attitude and if lucky he will get some help*.

*
I cannot emphasize enough how important it is for you to concentrate on you getting more self sufficient.* Not that you are not self sufficient but your emotions are tied up with your husband and you have very little to no control over him and he is damaging you.


*This is your situation as I see it:*

Your emotions are wrapped up in him
He is very unreliable in supporting you emotionally in fact he is damaging you
Your emotional health is on life support
There is little to nothing you can do for him
*You have a choice; you can either go down with him or you can start building yourself up so that you can have a good life*.

The above is not cruel it is just reality. You do not have to hate, resent, or have any negative feelings for him but you need to protect yourself because he sure is not going to. If you get stronger then you maybe able to help him when he makes some real changes. You getting stronger is a win win. If he gets a lot better you will be able to help him recover. If he continues to reject you then you will be strong enough to recover and get a better life. *The worst thing you can do is to cling to a very mixed up person that has some real serious issues. You can not save him he will have to save himself*


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## yayas

Mr Blunt said:


> The above is not cruel it is just reality. You do not have to hate, resent, or have any negative feelings for him but you need to protect yourself because he sure is not going to. If you get stronger then you maybe able to help him when he makes some real changes. You getting stronger is a win win. If he gets a lot better you will be able to help him recover. If he continues to reject you then you will be strong enough to recover and get a better life. *The worst thing you can do is to cling to a very mixed up person that has some real serious issues. You can not save him he will have to save himself*


This is where I'm at for the most part. I know I'm wrapped up in him... he's my husband! I know I need to let go of him a little but I don't believe I need to relinquish my entire relationship with him. 

I want him to see that there are solutions and I want to be supportive and help him find himself. I don't buy the whole "I need to live my life in my 20s" thing because the most important thing we have in life are our relationships and the love we share with each other. I want my husband to do good things for himself.... finish school, get a new job, move to another state, start a new hobby, hang out with friends.... 

I think my husband is stuck in the divorce trap, thinking it will make him happier to be away and divorced. I don't know how many things I have read that have said that is simply not true!!!

I just want to do things to show that love is rewarding, that relationships are everything, and that what we have is special. 

I do believe he is bipolar or depressed considering all of the things he has said to me and the fact that he has done very, very irrational things lately like the whole removing all of our pictures from our walls (not all, just the ones of us) and not going on our already paid for vacation and waiting until the night before to tell me. He wouldn't eat regular meals and he shaved his head and bought new clothes... just strange behavior. 

Anyways. I love him with all of my heart and I am willing to take care of myself here, but I am not giving up on this marriage.


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## inarut

You sound like a lovely person. Intelligent and very mature in many ways. The thing is you can't make him see things the way you do no matter how irrational he may be. You cant change his thinking or make him want and value the things you do. You cant teach him these things. He has to learn on his own You can't support someone who doesn't want your support and involvement. You do have to relinquish your entire relationship with him if that is what he wants and he is telling you he does. You cannot force someone to continue a relationship with you if you want to keep a shred of dignity and self respect nor will it help matters at all. He won't appreciate you or love you for it but I bet he will accept whatever advantages he gets from it no doubt. It will only hurt you.

You may love him with all your heart bit he is not loving you and you deserve to be loved. You cannot/ are not taking care of yourself if this is the way you intend to deal with this situation. The fact that you want to stay and throw yourself under the bus with a man that seems to be full of serious issues. Who tosses you aside like yesterday's news shows that you do not know how to take care of yourself. Your very good at taking care of him though or at least wanting to. I would suggest putting that motivation and focus on yourself. You have to be willing to lose this relationship if there is any hope of saving it. You do that by giving him what he wants. It's really the only way he may discover what he really wants and if that is you. Then let him prove it and work to win you back. If you do the work you need to on yourself you may not want him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yayas

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> yayas:
> 
> Dating exclusively from such a young age always seems romantic; very Romeo & Juliet. But the reality is that people change A LOT between 18yo and 28yo. A LOT.
> 
> He sounds depressed.
> He may be reassessing the value of being married forever to the ONLY woman he's ever had an adult relationship with.
> He's meeting other people, he's experiencing life changes. The fact that he wants to be "roommates" with you implies to me that he's interested in seeing/meeting/interacting with other women.
> What was right for him as a 21yo man may no longer be what he believes (rightly or wrongly) is right for him as a 27yo man.
> 
> Be STRONG ENOUGH in yourself, yayas, to walk away from this relationship if you are forced to. Be STRONG ENOUGH in yourself to live on your own and find out who YOU are. If he pulls the plug on this relationship, there's NOTHING you can do about it. You need to be healthy enough to be ALONE in the event that *that* is what he demands.
> 
> You can't make him want you. You can't make him love you. You can't make him happy with himself. You can only do for yourself. And take care of yourself. Being roommates with him would be a BIG MISTAKE. He's either 'in' or he's 'out'. Otherwise, he'll be cake-eating.
> 
> Suggest he see a doctor for a physical check up (including blood work).


He told me he isn't fit to be in any relationship... that it wasn't any other woman and he is tired of taking care of other people because he just needs to take care of himself. 

Here's what I think.

He's someone who ignored his own needs (which is true. He would all the time) and is blaming it on me that he didn't have the time to take care of himself because he always had to hang out with me (words he spoke to me). So now he is overcorrecting and going to the opposite end of the spectrum instead of finding balance. He is so hardhearted and inside a thick shield to protect his vulnerability and his emotions right now. 

I really, really believe it is not someone else, but it's that he has personal issues that only he can resolve. I just don't think he needs to sacrifice the marriage in the process and I want to be on the road to somehow showing him that. Maybe being a beacon of light or encouraging him to find some independence while being loving.... I don't even know. There must be something I can do at least by example when we live together.


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## inarut

He told you he isn't fit to be in a relationship with anyone.... Believe him ! He said he HAD to hang out with you and you are making sure he still does. How will this help the situation.? How are you going to be a beacon of light and love like this ??? Give him the time and space to find himself, work on himself and figure things out. Protect your vulnerabilities! He is not thinking of you or your relationship. He doesn't want your help and he will resent it and you if you force yourself in. It won't build his respect or admiration for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yayas

inarut said:


> He told you he isn't fit to be in a relationship with anyone.... Believe him ! He said he HAD to hang out with you and you are making sure he still does. How will this help the situation.? How are you going to be a beacon of light and love like this ??? Give him the time and space to find himself, work on himself and figure things out. Protect your vulnerabilities! He is not thinking of you or your relationship. He doesn't want your help and he will resent it and you if you force yourself in. It won't build his respect or admiration for you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The thing is, I don't want to put any pressure on him to hang out with me at all. I want him to come and go as he wants but I do want to do little things that will hopefully make him want to spend time with me. I won't offer affection or time spent with me. 

I just bought The Divorce Remedy and I'm going to read it. I have heard there are some good things in there. 

I know it's possible to save a marriage with only one person but I do realize he has to want to move forward together and I cannot force him. Ugh. This is so heartbreaking.


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## SpunkySpunky

First of all, I'm sorry.


I've been where you are. You sound a lot like me. A romantic and very in love with a guy who has internal issues that you want to fix but can't. Confused, angry, devastated, panicked.

Give him space. Let me repeat. Give him space.

Believe it when he says the things he says, even if they aren't clear or good enough answers or explanations.

Leave him alone and don't contact him, live somewhere else for awhile(if you can, it is the best option). Work on yourself. Take care of yourself. Let him come to you when he is ready.

But. Prepare yourself for life with *or without him*.



My husband and I reconciled. After 8 months of separation. We almost divorced and he wanted the divorce in the first place(almost in the exact situation you are) and he never filed either. I filled out the divorce papers and that's really what woke him up I guess.

The more I held on during our separation and the more I made myself present and actively pursued him, the worse it got. The more it pushed him away.

I finally realized I was holding on to a relationship that I couldn't salvage on my own. It broke my heart and stripped soul down bare. I_ loved_ him. After all the pain and tears, I still _loved_ him. I didn't know why but I didn't want to give up on him. He was my soul mate. But I was going to divorce him. And I knew I was going to be alright.

Maybe he will figure himself out and come around, maybe he won't...either way prepare yourself and please take care of yourself...it's easy to lose yourself and neglect yourself during times like these.

You will be okay.


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## harrybrown

Does he have parents or someone in his family that he respects that could talk him out of this big mistake?

Or do you have anyone in your family that he respects, or a good friend of his?

He may not wake up, but ask for help from your family. They may know of a counselor that could help you to help him with his depression.

If you have to, have the dog stay with your family if the mess is still an issue. 

Hope you have someone in your family that can help.


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## yayas

There is no one that will talk to him.... his friends that he hangs out with regularly are in their 30s and single and are convinced he needs the divorce to be happy and live and figure himself out. His family isn't really involved. It's awfully difficult. 

And thank you thank you thank you so much for all of this support. This is so terrible and I can't erase the thought of an affair out of my mind and I can't stop missing my husband. I love him dearly. It's the hardest thing. 

He did this before when we were dating... he said he couldn't be in a relationship and didn't speak to me for 8 weeks. In the beginning of our marriage we had a fight and he left for 2 days and didn't tell me where he was. I think everyone is right... he needs some help that I can't give him. I fear it's bipolar disorder because all the signs are there... the erratic behavior, the cycles, the mood swings... It breaks my heart.


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## clipclop2

He doesn't sound depressed to me. You could be right about bipolar but I'm wondering if it isn't something more than that, like schizophrenia.

Has he ever had a psych evaluation?


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## yayas

clipclop2 said:


> He doesn't sound depressed to me. You could be right about bipolar but I'm wondering if it isn't something more than that, like schizophrenia.
> 
> Has he ever had a psych evaluation?


he has not and likely will not any time soon.


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## LongWalk

Marriage to a mentally ill person can lead to a lifetime of pain and sorrow. Better to skip it if you don't have children. The smoking thing, was that weed or cigs?


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## yayas

LongWalk said:


> Marriage to a mentally ill person can lead to a lifetime of pain and sorrow. Better to skip it if you don't have children. The smoking thing, was that weed or cigs?


I have mental illness so I know how it is. Both my parents do, as well. I have had that life and I know how to deal as long as the person is aware of their illness, you know? 

It was cigarettes, by the way.


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## Mr Blunt

> I think everyone is right... he needs some help that I can't give him.


*That is right! Now aAre you going to help yourself?*



You have a choice; you can either go down with him or you can start getting all the help that is available to you so that you can have a better life.
*What have you done to free yourself from your emotional dependency on him and to get help for YOU!!!*

Holding on to a person that has made it very clear that you need to let him live his life is very detrimental to your whole being!



> He says there is nothing we can do and it's best to just accept it and I need to *let him live his life*.


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