# What the divorce lawyer said



## Lilipad (Dec 9, 2014)

I recently went for a discreet consultation and I just want to bounce her ideas off others. I don't know how to link to another thread, but I have a thread in the sex in marriage forum. Basically, my husband and I have grown apart, but we get along very well. I have no real issues with his parenting abilities. He wants counseling and I want to move out.
I talked to the lawyer because I wanted to get her take on me leaving, if that would appear as abandoment. She basically said that our arrangement is not like 85% of her cases as there's no question of parental abilities. She told me that I should file before I move out. My husband does not have to know, but it takes about a month for the papers to be processed by the courts. When she gets them back, I'll have 90 days to serve him. If during that time I change my mind or decide I need another 90 days that's doable. However, she thought it was important to file before leaving because once you leave you're so overwhelmed by everything it's hard to focus and deal with the paperwork. 

While all of this makes sense to me, I just want to make sure I'm not getting played. She costs $3500 to retain, then $220/hr, plus around $200 to file. It would be alot cheaper for me to move out first and see how it feels. For all I know a temporary separation is all we need. But if this all makes sense, then i'll start saving my money now. Thanks!


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Keep looking for a good lawyer.

I don't know how it works in whatever state you're in but it sounds like she's trying to get you to retain her right off the bat so she has you locked in. It doesn't take "about a month" for the papers to process. My lawyer and I filled out the motion in about 30 minutes and his assistant and I walked across the street to the courthouse and filed it (I had to pay $400 to file). Done deal. I gave my wife the papers the next day.

I don't buy the "things will be crazy after you move out" either. Actually, if you're in a stressful household, things will be calmer for you after you move out. I think you should go with your gut and move out first and see what happens.

One more piece of advice...whatever lawyer you hire, ask them "What happens if you become incapacitated during my divorce case?" My lawyer dropped dead after a year and left nothing for his clients. I had to pick up my file and start over. Lost $2500 I had paid him.

Good luck.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Dang, didn't make any sense to me either. I really wish attorneys could be trusted, but they can't.

Go talk with someone else, but you have to know you can't abandon your children, right?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Talk to another lawyer. What she is saying makes no sense.

You say that your husband wants to go to counseling. You want to end things. But you think that a separation might help and you might want to go back after a separation.

Separations seldom lead to marital recovery. You have to be with your spouse to fix your marriage. 

But there is one kind of separation that might help in two ways.. it's a structured separation. You and your husband work with a marriage counselor and come up with the rules for your separation. These are recorded and signed by both of you.

This kind of a document, while not legally binding, would be proof that there was no abandonment. It was an agreed upon separation.

Do not spend the money to retain an attorney until you know what you want to do. 

Instead go to MC and get a structured separation in place and make sure you both sign it.


The Structured Separation Agreement | Patrick Ward, PhD

A HEALING SEPARATION With Goals - Marriage Missions International : Marriage Missions International


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

My layer's fees were approximately 750 dollars.
Sounds like you need a new lawyer.


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## Lilipad (Dec 9, 2014)

Thanks all. I didn't mean I was abandoning my kids. I want a 50/50 split. But I was afraid if my husband got a litigious lawyer they would argue abandonment since I'm the one who'd leave the house. I don't anticipate that happening, but I'm trying to be realistic.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Talk to more attorneys.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Talk to more attorney's. They each have different methods of handling their cases and will often do it in the optimal way to help save you money. 

Some lawyer's will see you as nothingmore than "a dollar sign with feet." Let them know, in no uncertain terms, that you are not!

Also, get independent online references, such as Angie's List, legal referal help-lines, et. al., about how ethical that their prior clients have actually found them to be!

Best of luck to you!*


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Understand that if you leave the house your husband can easily, in most states, file an emergency order to maintain sole use of the marital home and to be granted temporary primary legal and residential custody of the children as the parent remaining in the home. With a fair chance of having it granted. Particularly if you attempt to remove the children from the marital residence without a custody order for anything that could appear as a semi-permanent, or greater, arrangement.

In other words, I'd recommend getting a custody order filed with the courts prior to leaving the residence.

More likely if the other party isn't in agreement with you. ie - Wants counseling vs divorce/separation.


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## NewLifePlease (Oct 31, 2014)

I am not a lawyer, but it seems it would be a bit risky to leave without filing if you have children in the home. It may make you look bad, but I am not sure. I would talk to several lawyers. Make sure you feel 100% sure you are doing the right thing.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If you know that divorce is what you want, I agree with filing before you leave. However, something seems "off" about that particular attorney, and holy crap is she expensive! You do NOT have to fork out that kind of money to get divorced!


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

If you have an emergency need of some kind to leave the house before filing, then I think the courts will accept that without a problem, like if he is physically abusing you in some form. Otherwise I would pretty much never, ever advise leaving the home without the the children and a custody order allowing you to do so. Without such an order, the children's home is legally the marital home that they have been living in most recently or at the time the petition is filed. Trust me you do not want to leave without your kids, because all your husband would have to do is file for an emergency temporary custody order keeping the kids at home and you away from it. That gives you zero visitation and takes a couple of months to sort out, during which he can make a case that he is their sole provider, and thus should maintain majority residential custody. (This is different from legal custody, which will usually still be 50/50 unless there is something severely wrong with one parent or the other)

I'm not saying that your husband could go pyscho and screw you over, but it can be done if you aren't careful. A friend of mine for example, his wife took her kids out to go shopping one day and didn't return. The next day, he was served with divorce papers and an emergency custody order, giving him one hour to pack some clothes only, in the presence of an officer and leave. She claimed that he had threatened her with a gun, which was a boldface lie. He didn't even own a gun, and had never owned a gun, and she later on never even tried to prove he had a gun. She made it up to get the temporary order. She delayed the temporary order court date two months, so he didn't get a chance to speak to the judge for nearly three months, all while not being allowed to see or speak to his kids. At the eventual hearing, he tried to defend against the outrageous allegation, but because it was a threat of violence that was alleged, she ordered him to have a psychological evaluation. $250, 3 months and a clean psychological evaluation later at the next court date, the judge acknowledged his passing the evaluation, but again, because it was an alleged threat of violence, she ordered him to attend six months of weekly group counseling sessions regarding domestic abuse. At that hearing, she also finalized the divorce, extending the temporary order again for his now ex-wife, who it turned out had been having an affair with an ex-boyfriend all along and was living with him and the kids. About eight months later at the next hearing, she finally acknowledged that, whether the allegation was ever true or not, he had completed all the tests successfully, but as it had been nearly a year and a half since he'd seen or spoken to his kids (seriously, the last time he'd seen them was when they left to go grocery shopping that day) and his ex-wife was now his primary care-giver, and the children were so young that him having equal custody could be alarming for them, she granted his ex-wife 100% residential custody, 50/50 legal. So he was not once allowed to defend himself, did absolutely nothing wrong, followed all the rules as he was ordered to do so, and was completely and utterly screwed regardless. He now gets to see his kids twice a month for a few hours at a time, only at his parents house.

In any case, what your lawyer is saying doesn't make a lot of sense to me either. The filing of your divorce petition usually doesn't take more than a day or so once submitted by yourself or your attorney. In my case as well I was able to have my wife served a day or so after the filing, along with the emergency custody order. Since I was very low-income at the time, I found an attorney willing to take my case for a $750 retainer, at $150/hr, and a $100/mo payment agreement once the retainer was burned through.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

I live in NY. Lawyers cost exactly that much. That is for 10 sessions. Legal fees are not overwhelming, but it is hard for the lawyer fees.

I have a question though. Is the primary reason you want to leave bc you feel you have drifted apart and does he agree?


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