# Need to vent.



## MarriedMan09 (Jul 2, 2010)

I need to vent today....

here is the deal. I love my wife very much. I am just getting increasingly frustrated by the way she sometimes dismisses my feelings on certain subjects and is willing to throw extra stressers on me at will.. 

We have been married for almost 7 years now. Ever since we have been married, she has become very strong willed/bullish at about certain things she wants. For example:

We agreed to wait 2 years to have a kid before we got married, but 3 months after we are married, she started asking for a baby. WHen I said we need to wait she would get increasingly hostile, screaming at me and telling me I should have never married her if I didnt want to have kids. This went on for a year when I finally gave in because I did want to have kids eventually and I thought it would make her happy.

it didn't

She does this about anything she wants, basically she can never see my point of view on any particular subject, its either I agree with her or she demands whatever of me for how ever long it takes to get it.

But it gets worse, once she gets something, if she decides that it really wasn't what she expected, she will demand I resolve it for her.. For example:

She decided she wanted a dog. I told her that a dog would shed in the house and have accidents on the carpet and possibly chew things like shoes and furniture, in her mind a dog was just this sweet cuddly creature that curls up with you on the couch. I resisted for a while but she did her usual...

We get a dog, and sure enough its not what she expected so everytime it has an accident or chews on something she will call me and tell me how I need to get rid of it because she "cant live like this anymore..." I have so far been able to fend her off on that since I like that dog.

We have had some very big stressers lateley that her personality has not been a big help with...

First my brother and his wife have been in a abusive relationship for years, long story short, DHR wanted to put their 4 kids in a foster home until things get straignted out. My wife thought that was a horrible idea and convinced DHR to let them live wth us. The kids were undisciplined and messed up emotionally from their parents and it became a very stressful enviroment in out house. My wife did try very hard and even arranged a good christmas for them but when my wife finally had enough she starts tellimg me that I got to get the kids out of her house. She continued after me for two weeks, sometimes yelling at me in front of the kids telling me to get them out. It got so bad that I even called DHR and told them that it they needed to be put in foster homes, but when it came to telling the kids. My wife goes to her parents house and leaves me to do it by myself. Fortunatley I was able to get other people in the family to take all but one of the kids. That one is still living with us.

Our finances are in trouble and I have been trying to find ways to get out of a bad situation but she demands that we take vacations every year. This year she wants to go to Disney world even though I have sat down with her multiple times and explained the situaion we are in. When I get my bonuses from work and try to pay some debts off, she gets made and claims that I lord over her with money and dont let her make any decisions..


My job has been threatened lately (office politics) and it has really put alot of stress on me. I really need to make sure that I do everything I can to make sure that I can to turn perceptions around, she has said so herself in the past but even so, if I dont leave at 5pm on the dot she will have a come apart becasue the kids are stressing her out to much. So when i do come home she has me stressed out about coming home too.

She never comprimises on arguments. The other day my son let the toilet over flow and she didnt know about it. So I come home and use the restroom only to see it over flow again. The water seeped out into the foyer in front of the front door. She comes out after I say something and she points to the water by the front door and claims the dog peed. I am thinking, "here we go with the getting rid of the dog thing again" so I try to explain to her that it wasnt dog pee, but she wont have it, in her head its pee and thats it. I even soaked some up in a paper toel and smelled it and asked her to do it as well to see its just water from the toilet, nope, its dog pee she says. I get frustrated becasue she is not having a discussion with me, she just coldly make a statement and tries to "drop the mic". 

Most of the time I let those type of situations go, but Whenever I press the issue she just doesnt care and I get so frustrated that I start to raise my voice in frustration, she then get defensive telling me to "back away" from her even though I haent moved an inch and then she will get upset about she doesnt understand why I am so mean to her.

She hates my parents and because they havent treated her and my boys like she thinks they should and so she wants them out of her life. So we have some pretty heated arguments over my parents.

Another thing she will do, this morning is my sons birthday, I am having a good time with him but am also getting ready for work. My wife comes down stairs and starts complaining about the kitchen being dirty (really only the floor wasnt swept last night) and just being miscontented with things, my brothers one kid that still is living with us did something to get on her nerves so she tells me he has got to go. That by this summer is is out of here. She doesnt care where but he cant live here anymore, she follow up with "do you understand me!?" ive told her I dont like it when she talks to me that way but she does it anyway. So I told I would look into it, but she could tell I wasnt happy with it (its stresses me out a bit) and she says "i don't understand what your problem is". I say "it just puts extra stress on me right now and with my job its tough to process." she replies "why is it stressing you out?" and I reply, "The last time we did this with the kids it caused all sorts of issues with my family and I just dont like the idea of dealing with that again." she replies, "I dont understand why you are always choosing your family over me."

Of course I get really mad at this because it manipulative and unfair but she doesnt care... she then goes on to claim that I am ruining my sons birthday....becasue I made her upset.


I could go on and on but I think you see the point. I know Im not perfect and that I can actually be a jerk sometimes...I am human but she seems to be increasingly less flexible about things and this is coming from a woman that wasnt very flexable already...

Thanks for letting me vent.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Tell her no.

Telling her yes makes her no happier; why are you worried about telling her no?

Who cares if she "drops the mic"? She needs stuff from you. She is using emotional terrorism to get them. Why are you negotiating?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You're the bigger problem here. Quit being a doormat.

Read up

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=5q8hXaN***k8Nx7qubtMFOcV6nc-


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/319418-abuse-thread.html

I think you will see your situation on these pages. Get educated on the faces of abuse so that you can make informed decisions about the behavior you are seeing. I also have a bunch of books listed in my signature link below. 

I recommend starting with Boundaries and Emotional Blackmail.


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## MarriedMan09 (Jul 2, 2010)

I hear you guys. I do. Its just hard when it someone you love. I think us guys are raised from a young age to be white knights. We strive to provide and care for our families. Its tough when our spouses are not satisfied by our work and care. A lot of times, these thing don't become apparent until after you are married. Its really sad, its almost like you are rolling the dice. You just never know the person you girlfriend will become after you have married her. 

In my case I really do want to make her happy, but am now totally clueless on how to do it. I know I probably have only made things harder on myself.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

I put up with this sort of stuff for way too long, always thinking that if we can get over the next particular issue then she would be happy again. I never happened, there was always another issue then another then another.

She is going to rant no matter what so do the right thing and at least you won't make your financial situation worse. Say "No" and let her get mad. The more you give in to emotional blackmail the worse it will get, it's like giving into a toddler tantrum. They get what they want from the tantrum so next time you say No there is an immediate tantrum. She is behaving just like a toddler with no consideration for the consequences to her immediate want.

You could also tell her that this relationship needs to be either equal or nothing. If she doesn't want to treat you, and the marriage, with respect then you both need to move on. By the time I got to that point I was so emotionally out of the relationship that there was no desire to even try and fix it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

MarriedMan09 said:


> I hear you guys. I do. Its just hard when it someone you love. I think us guys are raised from a young age to be white knights. We strive to provide and care for our families. Its tough when our spouses are not satisfied by our work and care. A lot of times, these thing don't become apparent until after you are married. Its really sad, its almost like you are rolling the dice. You just never know the person you girlfriend will become after you have married her.
> 
> In my case I really do want to make her happy, but am now totally clueless on how to do it. I know I probably have only made things harder on myself.


Your life is what you make it. You are raising a spoiled child. Grow a backbone. If you don't change/fix yourself your life will stay the same.

It's past time for you to pull up your big guy panties.

No ones gonna do it for you. The Calvary isn't coming pal. This is all up to you.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

MarriedMan09 said:


> I hear you guys. I do. Its just hard when it someone you love. *I think us guys are raised from a young age to be white knights*.
> 
> Yep, but as you can see by the responses on this page a whole bunch of us succeeded in getting above our raisings.
> 
> Now do you just want to vent or do you want to change?


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

You say you love her and just want to make her happy. Wake up and face reality......one person cannot make another happy. Each person has control over their own emotions. What are you doing to make yourself happy? Do you enjoy giving in to a spoiled wife who does not appreciate you? And you have trained her to be like this.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

> I need to get rid of you because I "cant live like this anymore..."


Fixed it for ya! :wink2:

Don't be a door mat. Say NO. Stand by it.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

EVG39 said:


> MarriedMan09 said:
> 
> 
> > I hear you guys. I do. Its just hard when it someone you love. *I think us guys are raised from a young age to be white knights*.
> ...


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

She is a bully wearing rose-colored glasses. The minute things don't go her way she has a tantrum. It could be a personality disorder or she could just be a b**** or this could be learned behavior from her parents. She's most certainly very immature. 

Don't be walked on. Ignore her tirades. Tell her you will speak with her about [topic] when she is calm and reasonable. Then calmly pick up your children and go. I suggest you get into counseling. Perhaps you can suggest to your wife you both attend if this is a situation you really want to resolve.

I did this for 15 years. Don't be the one who wishes they'd taken some steps sooner. Any step - to heal the relationship or to go.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

WonkyNinja said:


> I put up with this sort of stuff for way too long, always thinking that if we can get over the next particular issue then she would be happy again. I never happened, there was always another issue then another then another.
> 
> She is going to rant no matter what so do the right thing and at least you won't make your financial situation worse. Say "No" and let her get mad. The more you give in to emotional blackmail the worse it will get, it's like giving into a toddler tantrum. They get what they want from the tantrum so next time you say No there is an immediate tantrum. She is behaving just like a toddler with no consideration for the consequences to her immediate want.
> 
> You could also tell her that this relationship needs to be either equal or nothing. If she doesn't want to treat you, and the marriage, with respect then you both need to move on. By the time I got to that point I was so emotionally out of the relationship that there was no desire to even try and fix it.


This is the Human Condition....repeat this until you black out. If you expect people to act rationally you will be continually disappointed [not my quote]. Find another women...date her for a couple of years, the truth will float to the top. Scoop it up, sniff it, taste it, have an disinterested party look it over. If all looks good, slip a gold ring around it....shhht... and say a few Hail Mary(s).


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@MarriedMan09, Good for you, you work hard and provide for your family. Why don't you have the marriage you want? Maybe it's not all her, but it's you impeding your happiness? 

Your problem is you don't see that you're not doing right by you family. You've got it wrong. Yes, a man provides and protects for his family, he leads them to. Leaders don't allow themselves to be bullied. You do well at providing and protecting. You haven't done well at being a leader. You don't have an established boundary when her 'wants' become detrimental to you or the family. 

You've been here a long time and haven't solved this. You still want to be a people pleaser. You haven't learned that puts you in a position where others take advantage of your need to please and use that to put their needs and wants over yours. You know you allow this. You only need to come to the conclusion that you are responsible for getting the marriage you want. She's not going to magically change it for you. 

Just a question, In all your time here, have you read or enacted any of the suggestions or resources? 

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Boundaries in Marriage

Hold on to Your NUTs


Best


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Once you take charge of your happiness and let her take charge of her's, she will rebel. At some point, she will have to decide what she wants to do about her unhappiness. Her choices will tell you what you need to do next. Your choices will either trap or free you both.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You have two threads going - one from 2 years ago. Her BS stops when you say it does. Drag her to a marriage counselor and let the counselor explain to her that she is, in essence, a banshee on steroids. Do you really want your kids to copy that crap?

You might regard yourself as a white knight; but, I guarantee you that she regards you as a paycheck. Get a vasectomy before she thinks another child will fix her.


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