# Open letter to my wife



## Sad Kermit (Apr 19, 2013)

Edit: Rereading this I realize some of it is harsh. But if I start editing, I would never stop. I don't even know if I will have the courage to ask you to read this, but if I do please understand that I am writing from a place of anguish and my intent is not to hurt you but to try to begin healing us. I miss my wife. 

What I feel, What I need

For the past week, I feel like I have been living from breath to breath, not knowing how much the next one will hurt. For the first time I am feeling angry, so this may not be the best time to write...but this is also the only time I've felt even marginally lucid.

I have been convinced of my being fully to blame for the situation, and that is wrong and unfair. YOU put yourself in those places. I feel telling me that "you weren't looking for it to happen" is a sad excuse, especially having been warned of the danger of where you were going and choosing to continue anyway. Regardless of what I may of done or failed to do before now, I did not deserve that. I have given you absolute, blind trust, even after you first gave me reason not to and you took advantage of that to continue down a path that you swore you weren't.

Every time I have tried to explain to you how devastated, lost and alone I am feeling right now, you start listing all the things you consider to be my failings go back for more than a decade as if to say that I deserve any amount of pain your actions may inflict. Or, you say that I am weak and that I need to "wrap my head around it and move on". That is cruel and unfair. Being shell shocked by the turn of events and your inability to provide any reasonable measure of reassurance does not make me weak. It makes me a man who is fully and hopelessly in love with his wife. I need to stop apologizing for being hurt and I want you to stop belittling that pain.



What I need
I have told you that I am committed to repairing our marriage and have been trying to show you that in little ways while beginning work on the larger things. You have told me that I "know what I need to do (money)" and then "maybe" things will be ok. You say that marriage is a partnership and then act as if all the blame for our problems rests on my shoulders and that it is my responsibility to fix our marriage...alone. Feeling this way, is it a wonder that I cant even tell which way is forward, much less move in that direction?

I need you to show me that YOU are committed to repairing our marriage to support my efforts to do the same. "Maybe in a few months if you have done this this and this I will think about it" is not a commitment, it's opting-out.

If you really are still committed, and believe that our marriage is the most valuable thing in the world next to our children I need your reassurance. Without it, I feel like I'm treading water in the dark. If that makes me weak, so be it.


Things I need to feel that commitment:

I need you to Touch me, let me touch you, allow me to do simple favors for you. You know I love you, and maybe those things don't fix any of our problems...but allowing me to express my affection in small ways reassures me that you WANT my love.

I need you to tell me the things you love about me and the things that you loved but I haven't done recently. I need to know you are committed to US, not just choosing the lesser uncomfortable living situation.

I need you to support me on my job search; not accuse, threaten or confront but listen and help when asked. Plan with me. When I had so many failures before, I did come home down each day, but talking to you each night always gave me the confidence to go back out and get my ass kicked again the next day. You used my employment as your nuclear ultimatum...supporting and helping my search shows me that you WANT me to be successful in fulfilling my commitments to US. Supporting your spouse does not make them a dependant any more than accepting their support makes you dependant.

I need you to talk to me. Talk about the library, talk about your warts...anything! I still cherish every day with you...even these recent ones. Talking reassures me that you WANT to share your life with me.

I need you to cut all non-essential contact with XXX, for real this time. You can't unring that bell and reset that relationship. As long as that relationship continues, no matter how much you think you can minimize or hide it, neither one of us will be able to move on to healing the damage and fixing our other problems. Twice you have promised to do this and at least twice broke that promise and then flat out lied to me. Which brings me to...

I need to trust you again. This means:

You need to earn back my trust. I need to know where you are/who you are with all the time. This does not mean me tracking your phone as you have suggested. Even if that were reliable, I don't see how that could possibly be trust forming for either of us. I means you need to commit to telling me where you are because you WANT me to know. Set alarms if you have to, until we can re-establish trust "you know I always just lose track of time" wont cut it. I also need you to be completely honest about everything that has happened/happens. Saying that you "shouldn't tell me something because I'll just get mad" isn't doing me any favors. It is just seeking to shield yourself from the repercussions of your actions, I have every right to be hurt and angry. Even if I don't know what it is, after 20 years I can tell when you are withholding something. No matter how ugly it is, the whole truth can't be more hurtful than leaving me to wonder what your are hiding/omitting.

I need to let you earn that trust, as hard, uncertain and frightening as that may be for me. This is why I have declined to put your phone into tracking mode and continue to only use it when I need to locate you for other reasons. As terrifying for me as it may be, given the circumstances, I believe the only way to learn that trust again is by risking trusting you. If I can't do that, I don't believe I will ever grow beyond this moment. During this process, I beg you to be extra vigilant in avoiding any action that might cause me doubts. Beyond childhood, I have never felt/allowed that kind of trust in someone else and I feel hollow without it.


I want to move away. You said to me "It's hard because, to me, Lewiston IS Mr XXX". If we are rebuilding our relationship, how do I get around that? How do YOU move beyond it? I know this may not be immediately practical, and I would not destroy our financial future for it, but I need to know that you are seriously looking to leave Lewiston behind given what you've said the town means to you. This is on top of my concerns for the children living here.

I need you to not tell me that he is an honorable man and that you still wish I could like him. While married, he actively pursued a relationship with a married woman with young children. There is no honor in that. Listening to conversations of his friends, associates, wife, it is clear that you aren't even his first. Please don't ever ask me to respect that.


I know all this sounds insecure; you have given me reason to be.

Whatever you ask of me, I will pursue to best of my abilities. Just need to know I'm not in this alone.

For more than 20 years I have loved you with all of my being. That love will continue long past the day I die, it is not in me to feel otherwise.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Please do not send this letter!

No offense, I'm trying to help but the tone of this letter is only okay (wonderful actually) for a committed and loving wife. However from your letter I can see that the affair is "on hold" at best and more likely "full bore" but underground. 

You told her " _I have told you that I am committed to repairing our marriage and have been trying to show you that in little ways while beginning work on the larger things._" Big, BIG mistake IMHO. 

Especially since you go on to imply that she still sees him, is not actually committed, and blames you for her deviousness. Rip this letter up please. 

Work on yourself. Get a job. Exercise. Insist she drop the affair or leave. Case closed.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't send,

Also never accept a cheater having any contact ever in anyway with the person they cheated with. No contact. Nothing else is possible.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Sad Kermit said:


> Edit: Rereading this I realize some of it is harsh. But if I start editing, I would never stop. I don't even know if I will have the courage to ask you to read this, but if I do please understand that I am writing from a place of anguish and my intent is not to hurt you but to try to begin healing us.


 Do not send this letter. Burn it. In reading your letter the word "harsh" never crossed my mind. The fact that you think that this is a "harsh" letter speaks volumes as to why she cheated. This letter will only make her feel empowered to continue cheating.



Sad Kermit said:


> I need you to cut all non-essential contact with XXX, for real this time. You can't unring that bell and reset that relationship. As long as that relationship continues, no matter how much you think you can minimize or hide it, neither one of us will be able to move on to healing the damage and fixing our other problems. Twice you have promised to do this and at least twice broke that promise and then flat out lied to me.


 Wow, she still continues to see him. Talk about disrespecting you. Talk about there being no remorse. Talk about not expecting there to be any consequences for her cheating.



Sad Kermit said:


> I need you to not tell me that he is an honorable man and that you still wish I could like him.


 That right there tells you just how little respect she has for you as a man. She wants you to like and respect the man that f*cked your wife because she views him as the Alpha male, and as such he had the right to take whatever he wants from you the Beta. It also tells you that she thinks that the affair was no big deal. At best the affair has taken a break, but it is not over.

Do not send the letter. Get a job instead. Until then she will not listen to anything that you say. She is kicking you while you are down without a job. I see this time and again. You can forget women's equality when it comes to a woman expecting a man to make at least as much money as them to be respected as a husband.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Writing that letter? A good thing!
Sending that letter? Maybe not such a good thing!

I feel that couple's counselling might be an option.

You wife is deep in the fog, so is incapable of meaningful cognitive endeavours at this moment. So please don't expect too much of her for a while...


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I hate to say this.... Grow some Balls and start claiming your woman


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

S-K, I'm going to have to agree with everybody else that you not sent this letter. Somethingelse said it right. You're coming across like your begging my man. She lost romantic interest in you because you're no challenge. I hope you don't think this kind of pleading is going to somehow change her mind. I've said before, it doesn't matter how much you need, love, want, how much time invested, etc. All that matter is how she feels about you.
While you're at it, change your user name from "Sad Kermit" to "LionHeart" an live up to name.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I'm sorry you are hurting, and in the situation you are in. It must be disorienting, to say the least.

Give yourself permission to be confused for a bit. And resist the temptation to chase her pleadingly. You are in an upside-down world, where the instincts you have may really really hurt you.

There is good advice on these boards, from dozens of folks who have walked in your shoes, or at least have seen many struggling in the same way.

The challenge for your mind is to be open to the possibility you may be tempted to do something that will backfire. When folks say "No, not that way!", stop, look, and listen. Because they've probably seen that train coming many times before.

For starters, research what this thing is the call "The 180" aroun here. DivorceBusting.com and the book of similar name might be good to read, and you will see that you are not the first told to be on guard against the pitfalls of sending the letter you just wrote, and dozens of other moves that might reduce your chances.

Take care. Vent here as required. Get your head on straight. And you'll move forward.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Needs much more "Harsh"


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Don't show her the letter, show her the door. She should be working her butt of to save the marriage. She needs to stop contact or leave, sounds to me like shes is still in the fog. You deserve better. Sorry to be so blunt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

mablenc said:


> Don't show her the letter, show her the door. She should be working her butt of to save the marriage. She needs to stop contact or leave, sounds to me like shes is still in the fog. You deserve better. Sorry to be so blunt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

I've got a better option for you...

First, reach down between your legs. Feel that sack there? Those are your balls. Don't ever give them up again.

The envelope that letter was in? Open it. Take out the letter and burn it. Insert divorce papers. Hand the envelope to her.

That's a very short and crude way of saying "man up". Do not spill your heart out to a woman that wants to use it to wipe her feet on, on her way back in the door from phucking another man. She will NEVER appreciate that. What she will appreciate is a man who has some balls, who has some self respect, will stand up for himself, and will cut those people out of his life who do not respect him.

Sounds risky. Sounds counter intuitive. I know. Do it anyway. And reap the benefits of being a man who stands up for himself and will not tolerate a woman who does not view him as the treasure he is.

Do not do that, and you'll keep sending her bullchit letters like this while she's out phucking someone who DOES respect themselves.

You send meaningful, heartfelt letters when she is behaving as the woman of your dreams, and treating you like the man of hers. Or to clear up an innocent misunderstanding. But certainly, never, when she's taking another dude's junk into her body or treating you like a doormat. Never dude....never.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I did send a letter very like this when my wife asked for a divorce. I had no idea at the time but she was 12 months into a pa.

Guess how it worked out? Read my story below.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

donny64 said:


> I've got a better option for you...
> 
> First, reach down between your legs. Feel that sack there? Those are your balls. Don't ever give them up again.
> 
> ...


Bravo donny, Bravo...encore 

OP...we are all being pretty harsh, but you need to take your kind spirit and move on with your life. Your W does not care about you, is ungrateful and pigheaded. Not worth YOUR time. As I have told many other posters...she is using and abusing you. A cake eater


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Bravo, get all the feelings out of your system..but do not send!!!

What it basically comes across as is I will do anything to get you back letter.. you shouldn't have to spell out every single thing that she has to do for you..that should be automatic.

She may know the very intimate side of you...men here telling you to grow some balls, such clichery.. be strong, be unwavering against all blame shifting and rug sweeping, your respect has been battered, she either honors it and does all she can to be worthy of you or she hits the road.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If and when you do confront/discuss your problem, the right way, with the proper words, and not the words, of you mollifying her, even as she openly cheats on you----do it FACE TO FACE---don't hide behind a letter/text/cellphone---get it out there---eyeball to eyeball, so you can READ her.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Sad Kermit, sorry for where you are.

In one of the many confrontations about my wife's affair, I suggested counselling. She looked at me so cold and said "if you need counselling for your problems, go get it. I don't need it".

Your bit about her listing your failings resonates with me.

While she was in the affair, reasoning was impossible. Discussion was impossible. Reaching her through your letter will be impossible.

Work on yourself. Be strong. Make it clear you do not accept your wife having a relationship with another man. Make clear that she is wrong. Because she is wrong. She is breaking her vow.

You can throw her out as others suggest or you can go cold on her. That is what I did. 

Finally, you need to accept that of she chooses not to be married, not to love you, you cannot make her love you. You have to have a walkway point. You have to have a boundary past which she is gone. For my wife that line is, if she takes another man again, she can have him, because she will not have me.

All this stuff hurts but it is how life is.

P.S. wife and I now the best we have ever been. It can be done.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Hello, sorry that you are here but this is going to be the first day of the rest of your life.
1. DO NOT SEND THE LETTER!

2. Understand, that the wife that you loved for twenty years is gone, she died of AIDS from a unknown lover. I do mean that she is dead.

3. The pod person that you are married to and is in love with Mr. XXX is just dirt under your shoe.

4. Understand that "One door closes and another opens" is true. You are going to start a new life with your balls between your legs. Get the things you want, and store them, go to the bank and get the money out. Go to Vegas if its close, do not gamble. Just look and listen and eat and sleep.

5. Understand that you are leaving the marriage that DOES NOT EXIST to save yourself.

6. You can get a job today, if you will put up with BS. My guess is that you want a certain job, at a certain place, doing a certain thing at a certain pay. That is NOT how the job market works any more.

7. This is your life, just before you die, you will see all of the mistakes you made. One of them will be your exwife and how much time you wasted on this stupid BITGH! If you knew that you were going to die on July 4th, 2013, how would you spend the remaining days of your life? Would you still be whining to you ex about her actions? or would you live your life better? It's only up to you. GOD gave you this life, not her. Do a better job of living it. Keep us posted David


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Do not send the letter. Well, I think I said that before! But I will expand on it.

You should not send this letter because the woman who you want to send it to, who would understand it, your wife, *does not exist at the moment.*

She has been replaced with a fog-bound pod person.

You need to check out the newbie stickies and the 180 links.

Good luck in trying to get your wife back.

You owe this to the woman she was and, hopefully, will be again.You need to stay strong for you and for the real her, if she still exists, somewhere.

It's tough on you, we know. But you have something she doesn't. The backing of TAM!:smthumbup:


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Kermit, welcome aboard. I'm sorry you're here.

I think your thoughts and feelings are quite normal. What everyone is saying is we understand exactly what you're thinking and feeling. Don't get the wrong idea from the responses telling you not to send the letter (if you have not sent it yet). I have said in person to my wife pretty much everything that was in your letter, and it was a mistake to do so.

Part of the problem is you want your marriage way more than she wants the marriage right now. It plays into her affair fog. So it is counter productive.

Go slowly, don't do or say anything in a rush. Check in here for opinions, and then make your own decision.

Good luck.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Sad Kermit said:


> Edit: Rereading this I realize some of it is harsh. But if I start editing, I would never stop. I don't even know if I will have the courage to ask you to read this, but if I do please understand that I am writing from a place of anguish and my intent is not to hurt you but to try to begin healing us. I miss my wife.


I'm still here for you darling and will help you through this, help us through this (but I'm not giving up my tasty 'extras' any time soon)



Sad Kermit said:


> For the past week, I feel like I have been living from breath to breath, not knowing how much the next one will hurt. For the first time I am feeling angry, so this may not be the best time to write...but this is also the only time I've felt even marginally lucid.
> 
> I have been convinced of my being fully to blame for the situation, and that is wrong and unfair. YOU put yourself in those places. I feel telling me that "you weren't looking for it to happen" is a sad excuse, especially having been warned of the danger of where you were going and choosing to continue anyway. Regardless of what I may of done or failed to do before now, I did not deserve that. I have given you absolute, blind trust, even after you first gave me reason not to and you took advantage of that to continue down a path that you swore you weren't.


(God you're such a fking pvssy. I know this is all my fault and I'm treating you like complete shvt but if you want to take th blame fk me I'm surprised but happy- rock on ! it's no wonder I want to wrap my legs around *** every time I see him) 



Sad Kermit said:


> Every time I have tried to explain to you how devastated, lost and alone I am feeling right now, you start listing all the things you consider to be my failings go back for more than a decade as if to say that I deserve any amount of pain your actions may inflict. Or, you say that I am weak and that I need to "wrap my head around it and move on". That is cruel and unfair. Being shell shocked by the turn of events and your inability to provide any reasonable measure of reassurance does not make me weak. It makes me a man who is fully and hopelessly in love with his wife. I need to stop apologizing for being hurt and I want you to stop belittling that pain.


 (No, whats cruel and unfair is my being able to fk around when I want and you seem to think you can just expect me to put a stop to that just like that....dream on )


Sad Kermit said:


> What I need


 (Oh for christ sakes it's always about what you need .....what about what I neeeeeeed)



Sad Kermit said:


> I have told you that I am committed to repairing our marriage and have been trying to show you that in little ways while beginning work on the larger things. You have told me that I "know what I need to do (money)" and then "maybe" things will be ok. You say that marriage is a partnership and then act as if all the blame for our problems rests on my shoulders and that it is my responsibility to fix our marriage...alone. Feeling this way, is it a wonder that I cant even tell which way is forward, much less move in that direction? I need you to show me that YOU are committed to repairing our marriage to support my efforts to do the same. "Maybe in a few months if you have done this this and this I will think about it" is not a commitment, it's opting-out.


I am I have said I will stay but it will take some time (as I try to put all the brilliant fun I am having to an end.) 



Sad Kermit said:


> If you really are still committed, and believe that our marriage is the most valuable thing in the world next to our children I need your reassurance. Without it, I feel like I'm treading water in the dark. If that makes me weak, so be it.


 Course i'm still committed (committed to having my shag and committed to you cleaning up after me. God you're lucky I'm staying with you ) 



Sad Kermit said:


> Things I need to feel that commitment:I need you to Touch me, let me touch you, allow me to do simple favors for you. You know I love you, and maybe those things don't fix any of our problems...but allowing me to express my affection in small ways reassures me that you WANT my love.


 That will come in time when we are in a better place about our physical side (No thanks happy with what I'm getting atm) (although if giving you the odd blowjob keeps you happy I suppose I could handle that)



Sad Kermit said:


> I need you to tell me the things you love about me


You know I still love you and there's the sensitive side of you the supportive side of you....... (Best thing I love about you is that you let me pull the kind of shvt I have been pulling and I can get away with it time and time again woooopy doooo! ( And ****, I'd miss that about you if we split)



Sad Kermit said:


> I need you to support me on my job search; not accuse, threaten or confront but listen and help when asked. Plan with me. When I had so many failures before, I did come home down each day, but talking to you each night always gave me the confidence to go back out and get my ass kicked again the next day. You used my employment as your nuclear ultimatum...supporting and helping my search shows me that you WANT me to be successful in fulfilling my commitments to US. Supporting your spouse does not make them a dependant any more than accepting their support makes you dependant. I need you to talk to me. Talk about the library, talk about your warts...anything! I still cherish every day with you...even these recent ones. Talking reassures me that you WANT to share your life with me.


 (blah fking blah) 



Sad Kermit said:


> I need you to cut all non-essential contact with XXX, for real this time.


I know and I will I promise but I need to let him down gently I can't do that overnight that will take a bit of time (mmm maybe a couple of years hopefully!) 




Sad Kermit said:


> You can't unring that bell and reset that relationship. As long as that relationship continues, no matter how much you think you can minimize or hide it, neither one of us will be able to move on to healing the damage and fixing our other problems. Twice you have promised to do this and at least twice broke that promise and then flat out lied to me. Which brings me to...


But I had to to protect your feelings, because I'm sensitive like that


Sad Kermit said:


> I need to trust you again. This means:
> You need to earn back my trust. I need to know where you are/who you are with all the time. This does not mean me tracking your phone as you have suggested. .... is by risking trusting you. If I can't do that, I don't believe I will ever grow beyond this moment. During this process, I beg you to be extra vigilant in avoiding any action that might cause me doubts. Beyond childhood, I have never felt/allowed that kind of trust in someone else and I feel hollow without it.


 (Thank Christ at least I know I can carry on)



Sad Kermit said:


> I want to move away. You said to me "It's hard because, to me, Lewiston IS Mr XXX". If we are rebuilding our relationship, how do I get around that? How do YOU move beyond it? I know this may not be immediately practical, and I would not destroy our financial future for it, but I need to know that you are seriously looking to leave Lewiston behind given what you've said the town means to you. This is on top of my concerns for the children living here.


Yeah but everything we have grown to love is here (Okay, I have grown to, love - especially him, is here)



Sad Kermit said:


> I need you to not tell me that he is an honorable man and that you still wish I could like him. While married, he actively pursued a relationship with a married woman with young children. There is no honor in that. Listening to conversations of his friends, associates, wife, it is clear that you aren't even his first. Please don't ever ask me to respect that.


 (Yes but his wife just did'nt know how to please him ( doesn'nt understand him).....and I do!)



Sad Kermit said:


> I know all this sounds insecure; you have given me reason to be.


Well you are an insecure type of guy (and that's why I have and have never had any real respect for you)



Sad Kermit said:


> Whatever you ask of me, I will pursue to best of my abilities. Just need to know I'm not in this alone.


 Mmm okay I'll ask of you that we stay here and I'll do my best to wean myself off OM and bring back our wonderful marriage into the focus it deserves. I do love you , BUT and here's where you will have to show patience with me it will take time for me to get back there it will take a long time to disentangle what I feel for him to get back to what we have properly . If you love me you'll show me that patience ( whilst I continue fking his brains out yum yum) 



Sad Kermit said:


> For more than 20 years I have loved you with all of my being. That love will continue long past the day I die, it is not in me to feel otherwise.


Okay this is me now, Headspin - that love will not continue past the day you die because you are going to wake up to the fact that you are being utterly annihilated slowly with the knife getting twisted in your back and this person ( who actually is nothing like the one you knew and fell in love with years ago) is doing it with a grin on their face.

You are about to discover that you will in fact feel otherwise. It will take time, but you're lucky - why? because you have found this place and it will help you get through what will become a bigger nightmare than you ever imagined - all put into operation without any help from you from that person you thought would not hurt a fly - athough she'd happily obliterate any kids other wives yours and your kids life without a second thought


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Horrible horrible letter. Giving her all the power, and didn't read the word divorce once in there.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Kasler said:


> Horrible horrible letter. Giving her all the power, and didn't read the word divorce once in there.


As an expression from his heart, an artifact of him venting and getting some heavy thoughts off his chest, it is neither good or bad: it just IS.

But, yes, he should not send it because it will significantly hurt his efforts to reconcile.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

No. You need to read up on doing the 180 and follow through with it. Your wife is too busy blame-shifting to hear a single word you have to say. She's in her own little bubble of a world and she's rationalized everything. You'll never break through that with such a letter.

There is more than one way of communicating. Doing the 180, going dark on her is a way of communicating and you have to see that. It is a far more effective way of telling her that her blame-shifting plus her desire to continue to see this OM is unacceptable to you. And you are willing to divorce over it.

You cannot reconcile with someone who doesn't want to reconcile.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Sorry you are here, I feel you pain bro I really do. I relate to everything you are trying to do but its exactly opposite of what you need to do. Think about it. From all the posters you've see in this thread; all have been unanimous in their opinion. How often does that happen? There is a reason for that. We have all been in your position and learned the hard way. Follow the advice you have gotten here.

A wise man learns from his mistakes.
A genius learns from the mistakes of others!


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> As an expression from his heart, an artifact of him venting and getting some heavy thoughts off his chest, it is neither good or bad: it just IS.
> 
> But, yes, he should not send it because it will significantly hurt his efforts to reconcile.


It IS bad, because of what that letter has the potential to accomplish. 

He thinks he has it bad now? I can only pray he didn't send that sobby letter of weakness because that would only make her even more selfish and entitled.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you send that letter, she willeither laugh her ass off because it is so wesk and needy or throw up because it disgusts her.

What she needs in you is the strenght to do what a man should do about a cheating wife. Make her get in line or get out. The last thing a woman can depend on is a weak man. If you can wrap your head around your angerband use it, you have a chance of saving your marriage. 

Have you told the other mans wife?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Kasler said:


> It IS bad, because of what that letter has the potential to accomplish.



IF he doesn't send it, the only potential it has to accomplish is this:

1) relieve the pressure of the emotions bottled up inside, thereby allowing him think more rationally and deal with reality 

2) allow his conscious mind to see what his previously suppressed feelings had to say to HIM

3) give us here on TAM a glimpse of his state of mind so that we can alert him to the pitfalls immediately before him -- such as the dangerous one of sending her the letter, and of missing out on a chance to do the needed 180, or expressing himself with words and actions face to face with her that are similar to what he typed in his open letter.

Is there a negative potential here I don't see -- that is, assuming he never sends it to her?

My point is it is important he let himself freely express his emotions to himself, and would-be advisors such as anyone here on TAM he might listen to. That's a completely different than what he needs to do with her in the short term - his expression must be well controlled. The former makes the latter possible.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Elvis has left the building?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I've delayed too long in explaining why I liked the original letter in this thread. Like piece of Sky I fell that the letter did a good job of showing and explaining the feelings Sad Kermit was experiencing at the time. Like the majority of responders here I see no point in actually delivering this letter to the wayward spouse.
In fact her stance on the issue seems irreparable to me. I'm generally in favor of reconciliation but I just don't see it here.
My honest reply to her uses words that I just don't use. Considering where Kermit is emotionally at this point . . . I'm going to keep that to myself.
MN


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

Kermit what did you end up doing?


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