# Wife always goes to parents



## GMAN35080 (Sep 26, 2016)

New here looking for advice. Sorry for such a long story but need some advice/ opinions. My wife and i have been married for over a year and most of the time things are relatively smooth. However i work nights and my wife is a stay at home mom we have a 6yr. Old that i became a father to when we got married. However every night that i go to work my wife always goes to her parents and sometimes even spends the night. They live about 5min from our house and it is a convenience at times but sometimes not so much. I realize that i cannot keep her from her parents, but it seems like her going over there all the time is excessive. I have brought this up to her before and all she says is that its not a big deal and that i shouldnt care i am not home. This is one of our biggest arguments. Also i work two other jobs on my off days and she goes over there when i am there as well. This is really starting to bug me. Also if i ask her what time she will be home she just gets very aggravated. She never can keep her word either on any plans we make or when she will be home. Also i sometimes will ask her to do something for me and she just doesnt care to do it or "forgets" to i really dont know what to do here i love her so much.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Could you give us some more info?

How old are the two of you?

Does your wife have a job?

How many hours a week do you work?


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## GMAN35080 (Sep 26, 2016)

I am 22 she is 23 she does not work and i work close to 70hrs a week +or- a few. AM I UNREASONABLE FOR BEING THIS WAY?


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

You're going to work yourself into an early grave, OP. Ask your wife to work, at least part time.


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## Capricious (Sep 21, 2016)

Could it be that she feels afraid/insecure when you are not there at work during the night? Perhaps she is looking for adult company when you are not there.
If when she is at her parents and you are not home, would you feel better if she texts you when she arrives back home.

I remember when my husband used to travel for work many years ago I was scared being home alone at night. My parents lived too far for me to stay the night (otherwise I would have). 

Have you spoken to her about her "forgetting" to do things that you asked and how it makes you feel? She might not realise how important those things are for you, or that she might be hurting your feelings.


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## GMAN35080 (Sep 26, 2016)

I have asked her about all of this and no she forgets to text me or that she will be late. And i have told her how it makes me feel and that it hurts my feelings


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Why does it bother you that she goes to her parents? Are you resentful because you're working so much and she can just go hang out with family? (I would be) or is it more that you two are a family now and she seems to still be practically living at home with her folks?

Why doesn't she work at all? (Sounds like her folks could babysit!)

Did you adopt her son or are you the step father?

Just trying to get a better picture. I don't really have any advice, but I can tell you that I have worked 70 hour weeks like you while my spouse did not work and I am now extremely resentful and considering leaving him. As has been pointed out to me on this forum, it is my own fault for letting this happen. But understanding that does not stop me from also understanding that he has been willing to let me work so hard for so long to support him.

One piece of advice - when your wife says "it's not a big deal" I would calmly and respectfully say "It is a big deal to me. It bother's me. I love you to death but I am not happy." Things like that, and just keep calmly brining the subject up "It really bothers me when..."

On a side note - is there any way you can get off night work? It's horrible for marriages and long term health, both physical and mental. (Google it, there are tons of articles.) Also, working 70 hours a week is not good for your marriage because women need time together to feel intimate and connected to their husbands. She may be falling out of love with you while you work yourself to an early grave thinking you're doing it for her.


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## GMAN35080 (Sep 26, 2016)

I think i am somewhat resentful i can talk to her while i am at work but she seems to not have the time or she says she gets distracted. She doesnt work because i make enough money for her not to have to and we are planning on having kids. I have not adopted him yet but plan to. No way to get off night shift currently but i know what you mean its very tough


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## Capricious (Sep 21, 2016)

You might need to have a good talk to her about your feelings and how her dismissing them is affecting you. Any loving partner will listen to what the other person is expressing and will work toward the relationship. 

You really need to let her know how this is affecting you and building resentment. Open, honest and non judgemental communication is the key to a good discussion.


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## GMAN35080 (Sep 26, 2016)

i have definately tried having an honest sit down talk with her and it will change for a few days then it just goes back to "normal" i really dont know what to do at this point i guess just try to realize that maybe it isnt as big of a deal that i think it is and let it go


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Don't adopt her kid just yet and hold off on having any children together. Get this worked out first or else if the marriage ends in divorce, you'd be looking at child support and alimony for a while.


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## GMAN35080 (Sep 26, 2016)

Yea i definately have thought of that i love her to death and would do anything for her maybe i am just overreacting


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## Capricious (Sep 21, 2016)

Depends how important you feel her not doing things for you is. I honestly think that if she were to realise how they affect you she will make a conscious decision to remember and try and please you. 
You have to decide how important it is and if you are willing to let it go and live with it.
All the best in working out a compromise and meeting your needs.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Unless this problem is resolved, I don't think this marriage will go the distance. You're not there due to work and she's not there due to being at her parents' home. How can you both nurture the marriage if you're not there for each other? You're more like roommates?


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## GMAN35080 (Sep 26, 2016)

Yea i kinda feel the same way but yet she says just to let it go other than this our marriage is great


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why does she need to retreat to her parents home?

Is there a reason?

If you knew the real reason would this make a difference to you?

Why do you resent this happening?

If neither of you are there at night, why does this bother you so much?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

GMan, first off props to you for working so hard. Newly married at a young age and taking care of your wife and her child.

But 70 hours is too much. Your wife doesn't work because you support everyone? That's fine but if you only worked 40 hours would that still be the case? If not, then I suggest she find something at least part time.

You being away at work all the time puts a strain on your marriage. She is going to spend time at her parents because she craves human interaction (not the 6 yo kind). You being home more and her working will help her in that department. Mix in some "date nights" with her and family activities here and there as much as you can. Cutting down on 70 hours a week will free up some time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

This looks like Beta Provider Syndrome to me. Don't adopt her kid yet and don't knock her up until you're in a marriage that you can be comfortable and confident in.

She needs to get a job so you can cut back. If it is BPS that will go over like a lead balloon.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Capricious said:


> Could it be that she feels afraid/insecure when you are not there at work during the night? Perhaps she is looking for adult company when you are not there.
> If when she is at her parents and you are not home, would you feel better if she texts you when she arrives back home.
> 
> I remember when my husband used to travel for work many years ago I was scared being home alone at night. My parents lived too far for me to stay the night (otherwise I would have).
> ...


I agree with Capricious. I see this [going to parents] as 'mostly' a good thing. This is presuming her parents are supportive of your marriage and have good will towards you. Many women are afraid to be alone in the house at night. I witnessed this myself. 

Her going to her parents is not the problem. And the added benefit is that "no strange man" would be visiting her while you are working!

Now the other issues, yes those. You two have some communicating to do. She sounds like she has lost some interest in the marriage. And she has definitely lost interest in YOU. That is what her actions show. Find out what is bothering her. 

Before it is too late. 

Your marriage is too new to be having such problems. Maybe she hates the fact that you work nights. But she has to know that [in this] economy, sacrifices need to be made. If you have no seniority you will have to stay on nights for a while.....or change jobs. Do not change jobs if it is a step down. You will regret it. Good jobs are Gold. Employers hate Job Jumpers.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

GMAN35080 said:


> Yea i kinda feel the same way but yet she says just to let it go other than this our marriage is great


You marriage is great because she gets to do everything she wants and your stupid behind is working 70 hours week to make that happen. How long do you think you can keep working this way?

If she cant keep her word and don't care to spend time with you, then she does not care too much for you or have that much respect. Time to lose one of your job or you are going to get sick. A wife who loves her husband and care for his wellbeing will want to spend time with him. And since she does not have a job she should be able to do stuff according to your schedule.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You can't possibly spend much time together if you're working 70 hours per week. On top of that, the night thing is a killer......my father worked nights for many years and it messes up your sleep schedule.

So how much time do you actually spend together? This is crucial for bonding.....she's probably lonely without you. 

Also try to identify exactly what her ceasing going to her parents will accomplish. Is it taking away time you could be spending together, or would she and her son be sitting at home by themselves?

If it's time you could spend together then address it from that angle. Pressuring her to sit home by herself if you're not even there will accomplish nothing. If this is a "I don't get to socialize so neither do you" kind of thing that's immature and unproductive.

If you resent working so much then pressuring her to stay home when you're not even there will just create resentment in her, and you'll still be working 70 hours.

If this is the case then you need to work less and she needs a job. Either way 70 hours while your wife doesn't work isn't justified unless she's got some kids to look after, and even then she'd probably be lonely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Wait, when you come home from work is she at home or is she at her parents? Also is she maintaining the house and cooking adequately? When you ask her why does she go to her parents and sleep over there, what is her reason? Is it loneliness , for company or for protection because she scared to be alone in the house?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

With you working 70+ hours a week, she'll be lonely if she's home when you work. Find a way to cut back on the work hours so you can spend time with her as a family.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How often during your work shift are you calling to talk to her?


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

You are overreacting. You work long hours at night and live close to her parents. The way I see it is mutually beneficial: you know where she is and she doesn't have to be alone while you work long hours. The alternative is that she looks for companionship while you're not available. If is she a "daddy's little girl" then the more you push the more she's going to run home and it's going cause a rift between you and her entire side of the family. I feel like I learned this lesson the hard way. This is a situation you cannot - nor should not try to control.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

She could be doing a lot worse things that being at her parents house.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

It took me almost 3 years of marriage before I stopped calling my mother and father after every single slight or disagreement. It seems to me, echoing what the other posters say, that she might be lonely and/or afraid. Marriage- and a new living arrangement- can be very frightening, especially when the woman has never had a job or lived outside her parents' home before the wedding. I remember the first time I became ill while living with my husband, I was so frightened I called my mother and begged me to let me move back in with her and father. Of course she told me I was being ridiculous, and I learned in time that my husband could look after me just as well as my parents could. Now, I honestly trust my husband even MORE than my parents. Just give her time to adjust to the new living situation would be my advice, and let her know that even though you're gone at work a lot, you're gone for HER sake, and that you'll always be there for her and look after her. Don't begrudge her for being attached to her family still. She'll likely grow closer to you in time.


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