# What is the average sex life like for married couples



## Freetown (Oct 19, 2017)

My wife and I often have discussions about me being to eager and to focused on sex and intimacy. If you would ask me I'd like to have sex everyday. We now have sex approx once a week, same position and finished in 5 minutes, but it doens t keep me satisfied for a couple of days. I d love to kiss my wife, to be more intimate, be more passionate. I've read people have less sex now, because there is much more entertainment. They watch Netflix and then fall asleep. I would personnaly prefer to switch off Netflix to have sex.

I don't think I m a sex addict, but I do like it. However, I m not sure how "average" I am.

My question now is: what do you consider an average sex life for a 10y married couple, in quantity and quality? Do people have more sex when they are on holidays, during spring and summer? Does an average couple have sex before going to work? Do they send erotic messages during the day? Does the wife take initiative? What about foreplay? ...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

My W and I are going strong at 24 years. Our sex life is increased since first married. What was 1x a week or sometimes less has become 3-4 per week over the past 6 years. We are getting laid more than fiber optic cable. TV is on while in bed, we snuggle as we watch. This almost always turns into a Fuggle. At the very least my W and I are in physical contact at bedtime watching TV. 

The sex could be a quickie or full on no holes barred romp. The frequency of sex is many. The quality of sex is excellent. During the holiday(vacations) sex frequency remains the same but a bit different as we are in a different place. Yes, my W and I will have morning sex. Sometimes she will just take care of my business in the morning. All I need to do is ask. My W and I sext throughout the day on most days. Foreplay, most definitely. W loves kissing and caressing. My W does initiate. Sometimes aggressively.


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## cashcratebob (Jan 10, 2018)

Freetown said:


> My wife and I often have discussions about me being to eager and to focused on sex and intimacy. If you would ask me I'd like to have sex everyday. We now have sex approx once a week, same position and finished in 5 minutes, but it doens t keep me satisfied for a couple of days. I d love to kiss my wife, to be more intimate, be more passionate. I've read people have less sex now, because there is much more entertainment. They watch Netflix and then fall asleep. I would personnaly prefer to switch off Netflix to have sex.
> 
> I don't think I m a sex addict, but I do like it. However, I m not sure how "average" I am.
> 
> My question now is: *what do you consider an average sex life for a 10y married couple, in quantity and quality? Do people have more sex when they are on holidays, during spring and summer? Does an average couple have sex before going to work? Do they send erotic messages during the day? Does the wife take initiative? What about foreplay? ...*


*
*

Depends on age I would imagine, but I'll assume your guys are late twenties, early thirties. The answer is whatever is good for both of you, considering each others needs. You want more, she can go with less, so you'll have to talk through that. For men, I think there is some biological hardwiring that has us wanting it at least every two days. For women, not sure. 3 times a week is average for us. I don't get stress relief from sex, some do; if your wife is stressed out and sex is NOT a stress reliever, this could explain why once a week is the norm. Is she stressed out? My wife gets emotional relief/comfort from sex; as long as the stress is mental/emotional, she tends to get relief for that type of stress as well. On vacation our sex desire syncs right up though  Oh, you are average btw, so no worries.

Finished in 5 minutes, I mean that is on you right? IS that her? Change it up, move positions. Go foreplay to sex, then back to foreplay then sex. 

My wife initiates. However, I'll say, her or me initiating, is irrelevant; we read each other well enough to know what is coming. I know when she is down and she me. I don't think she ever initiated when I didn't know it was coming. Of course this question is probably better answered by someone who doesn't have a multitude of crib midgets running around ****/vag blocking at every opportunity, where initiating out of nowhere is much more possible. 

Get the married man's sex life primer (Athol Kay). There is some pretty good advice in there for this very situation. 

Erotic talk is good, you gotta warm her up to it, but once it is going, it can really get her in the mood from the start of the day and have her anticipating what is coming. 

All of this is predicated on the assumption that she is a normal healthy women and your relationship is otherwise positive.


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## cashcratebob (Jan 10, 2018)

Freetown said:


> My wife and I often have discussions about me being to eager and to focused on sex and intimacy. If you would ask me I'd like to have sex everyday. We now have sex approx once a week, same position and finished in 5 minutes, but it doens t keep me satisfied for a couple of days. I d love to kiss my wife, to be more intimate, be more passionate. I've read people have less sex now, because there is much more entertainment. They watch Netflix and then fall asleep. I would personnaly prefer to switch off Netflix to have sex.
> 
> I don't think I m a sex addict, but I do like it. However, I m not sure how "average" I am.
> 
> My question now is: *what do you consider an average sex life for a 10y married couple, in quantity and quality? Do people have more sex when they are on holidays, during spring and summer? Does an average couple have sex before going to work? Do they send erotic messages during the day? Does the wife take initiative? What about foreplay? ...*


*
*

The answer is whatever is good for both of you, considering each others needs. You want more, she can go with less, so you'll have to talk through that. For men, I think there is some biological hardwiring that has us wanting it at least every two days. For women, not sure. 3 times a week is average for us. I don't get stress relief from sex, some do; if your wife is stressed out and sex is NOT a stress reliever, this could explain why once a week is the norm. Is she stressed out? My wife gets emotional relief/comfort from sex; as long as the stress is mental/emotional, she tends to get relief for that type of stress as well. On vacation our sex desire syncs right up though  Oh, you are average btw, so no worries.

Finished in 5 minutes, I mean that is on you right? IS that her? Change it up, move positions. Go foreplay to sex, then back to foreplay then sex. 

My wife initiates. However, I'll say, her or me initiating, is irrelevant; we read each other well enough to know what is coming. I know when she is down and she me. I don't think she ever initiated when I didn't know it was coming. Of course this question is probably better answered by someone who doesn't have a multitude of crib midgets running around ****/vag blocking at every opportunity, where initiating out of nowhere is much more possible. 

Get the married man's sex life primer (Athol Kay). There is some pretty good advice in there for this very situation. 

Erotic talk is good, you gotta warm her up to it, but once it is going, it can really get her in the mood from the start of the day and have her anticipating what is coming. 

All of this is predicated on the assumption that she is a normal healthy women and your relationship is otherwise positive.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Breathe deep the gathering gloom,
Watch lights fade from every room.
Bedsitter people look back and lament,
Another day's useless energy is spent.
Impassioned lovers wrestle as one;
Lonely man cries for love and has none.
New mother picks up and suckles her son.
Senior citizens wish they were young.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

From what I can tell, there is a HUGE variation, and that makes "average" or "median" not very useful measures. There are a significant number of couples who have sex every day and keep that up in long term marriages. There are a significant number of couples who go many months or even years without sex. 

My wife probably wants sex maybe once a month, and thinks she is compromising at once a week - but in reality its about once every other week and a very limited set of things she is willing to do. (and usually pretty passionless).

I had a partner who wanted sex 2x/day. 

Various studies have put average at 2-3x/week, but I don't think the average really means anything, because individuals are not *average*.

All I know is that a mismatch is really miserable.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You might think so, but at least in my case it doesn't work like that. 

My wife gets bored with foreplay very quickly. (and yes, I'm happy to do whatever she wants, and I at least have a good theoretical knowledge). She just wants oral for a couple of minutest to get warmed up, then wants me to get her off with a vibrator quickly.

We haven't had intercourse in a long time because she finds in uncomfortable. When we did, she wanted me to finish quickly or she would get sore (or bored). If I didn't things ended with me not getting an O.

(yes we use lube, and no, no medical issues). 

To her, sex is the act of each of us giving the other an orgasm as quickly as practical, so we can go to other things.

She enjoys romance, but to her it doesn't lead to a desire for sex. 

Check out sites on asexuality to get an idea of how some people feel about sex .











cashcratebob said:


> [/B]
> 
> SNIP
> 
> ...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Well, the averages don't tell you much, as it would be the average of all couples of all ages and activity levels. That number is about 2 times a week, I believe. My own experience, based on two long relationships, would take about zero per week for my first marriage (weekly average was well under 1x), and 7x-plus per week this time (averaged over 18 years). So my average would be every other day, over my lifetime.

Anyway, OP, you're pretty normal to somewhat HD (high drive), and your wife is LD (low drive). This is highly unlikely to change, ever, no matter what you do. She's just not as sexual, or just isn't into you. You can try to up the frequency a bit, after a lot of effort to find what works (a very few people on this site have done so, but the vast majority with this issue never see any improvement. You can eventually accept that this won't change, as long as your wife has a bad attitude about sex (and/or you), or you can leave her and seek a better match. I guess that depends on how much you value all the various aspects of your relationship, especially when you project forward 5, 10, 25 years.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

A great topic. Perhaps it can remain OT about how (and I use the words "generic great marriages" ) so not to preclude others who have their own great marriages outside of the data collected in this thread perhaps.

Each to their own and all that...

Back to OP question as I understand it...

W and I married almost 34 yrs. Kids/grandkids. 
Re our sex frequency; 4 to 9 times a week, mostly 6.

We schedule time every day to create opportunity to start at 8:00pm. That's my rule we adopted years ago. No TV or smartphone activities allowed to interrupt. Alexa or Tidal for music. We may get back up about 9 or so. Or we may continue talking about things in our lives afterwards, just staying connected if you will. 

Morning sex if I want always happens, I just bring her a cup of coffee first. *I'm always first getting up.

Yes, we hug and kiss during the day. Yes there's groping by both parties. Honestly I grope the most 😎 and that's our pattern. If we're watching grands or regular family get togethers W always tells me "things will be back to normal tonight, etc" because she and I know how important our time is together.

Key is; we married each other. Blessed with good kids and DILs (we have two sons, thank God) who married well.
That said....she and I married each other and ALWAYS back each other up if and extended family differences. Even if I disagree with W....in a group I'll still stand up for her. We'll talk about it later just between us, as it should be handled.

My running "humor" with our sons/extended family is "hey, I've known your Mom longer than you two/etc and sleep with your Mom, been knowing her and sleeping with her before you guys/gals were born, so I pick dear W over all else. And vice-versa. 

Don't get the idea all has always been perfect.....through the years there are always mountains and health issues to overcome but if each knows they can depend on the other for core items, non-nuclear faux paus are known they'll be ridden out.

We're Christians, OT and NT books apply, as S. Baptists we regularly attend church, and love our church family. And we know we're not perfect, and that's ok.

W knows I'll fight anyone that's inappropriate to her in any environment (been done, this isn't a theoretical example) and I know she'll kill me in my sleep if I totally jump the rails and stray, when she knows I know she's a fine job taking care of me. 

But stay attentive to each other schedule private time which is an ACTION that shows each is important to the other...communicate clearly.....and all in this post.....and you'll have a great marriage imho.

I'll admit I go somewhat off the rails time to time but we have an understanding that sometimes me being a dumba$$ doesn't mean I'm not loving her. Granted that week's sex drops off a couple three days but we always know we're together by choice and dig it greatly. 

*Sorry for the long post.....


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Another problem with averages, is that in many cases they will just make you feel bad. 

Lets say you find out that "average", "normal", whatever is 3X/week of passionate lovemaking with lots of passion, and lots of variety. Then what? That isn't what *your* partner wants. Under pressure they might pretend, but you would *know* that they were just pretending in order to keep you from leaving. Passion would be faked. You would know that its just a chore - while at the same time knowing that other people really do want and do enjoy these things.

All that really matters is that you are not happy. Its unlikely that your partner's desire will change, so you need to choose from a set of really bad options.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

The "clinical" average that defines a marriage as actually sexless is less than 10 times a year. That of course does not mean 10 times a year is great or anything. But you are not actually in a sexless marriage until it reaches this low.

As for how it is for "most couples," my first marriage was truly sexless.....and my ex swore up and down lots of people were like him and it wasn't unusual. My current husband and I are every-day type people, and we have friends who say they are every day as well.

I don't think there is an official "normal," except that I personally think it is ABnormal not to have sex with the person you vowed to share your life and love with.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Freetown said:


> My wife and I often have discussions about me being to eager and to focused on sex and intimacy. If you would ask me I'd like to have sex everyday. We now have sex approx once a week, same position and finished in 5 minutes, but it doens t keep me satisfied for a couple of days. I d love to kiss my wife, to be more intimate, be more passionate. I've read people have less sex now, because there is much more entertainment. They watch Netflix and then fall asleep. I would personnaly prefer to switch off Netflix to have sex.
> 
> I don't think I m a sex addict, but I do like it. However, I m not sure how "average" I am.
> 
> My question now is: what do you consider an average sex life for a 10y married couple, in quantity and quality? Do people have more sex when they are on holidays, during spring and summer? Does an average couple have sex before going to work? Do they send erotic messages during the day? Does the wife take initiative? What about foreplay? ...


 @Freetown here are two of my threads that may shed some light on the topic for you:

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/316738-how-much-sex-would-enough.html

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/380082-how-long-average-does-sex-last.html

There are a lot of things you can do to improve things in your marriage, and if I could say the one thing to focus on would be self confidence for both you and your spouse to be yourselves so that you can communicate openly and meaningful on this topic. 

Ultimately you will each need to work together to understand how to best love and care for one another. This also involves knowing how to love and care for yourself in general so that you are each not too needy as you do not want to hold your spouse responsible for any of your own personal frustrations in life. Basically you each have to be happy and share that together. You can't be unhappy and expect your spouse to improve that for you. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Freetown (Oct 19, 2017)

Thanks all. Good to read your stories. And I understand that the average is maybe less relevant.

What my wife is "blaming" me is the fact that I would be HD. She says none of her friends is married to a HD man and that I should be happy with the 1x a week. Ok, I may be on the upper side, but I would find it hard to believe that the other men wouldn t want to touch their wives or have sex with them next to the once a week sex. I thought most men (not all) would be happy to have sex every day. 

Btw: my wife and I are around 40y old. She always uses the magic wand during sex. So after 5 minutes we re both satisfied.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> My W and I are going strong at 24 years. Our sex life is increased since first married. What was 1x a week or sometimes less has become 3-4 per week over the past 6 years. We are getting laid more than fiber optic cable. TV is on while in bed, we snuggle as we watch. This almost always turns into a Fuggle. At the very least my W and I are in physical contact at bedtime watching TV.
> 
> The sex could be a quickie or full on no holes barred romp. The frequency of sex is many. The quality of sex is excellent. During the holiday(vacations) sex frequency remains the same but a bit different as we are in a different place. Yes, my W and I will have morning sex. Sometimes she will just take care of my business in the morning. All I need to do is ask. My W and I sext throughout the day on most days. Foreplay, most definitely. W loves kissing and caressing. My W does initiate. Sometimes aggressively.


Just as what works for us....we removed the TV from our bedroom about 15 yes ago. I was against that at first but after a while realized it was a good thing.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Freetown said:


> I thought most men (not all) would be happy to have sex every day.


If you read stories of women that are HD and want sex everyday, it seems rather odd that these men you speak of are almost no where to be found! 

The reality is that most men totally overestimate and boast about their virility. Perhaps they could handle it everyday for short stints, but that will not be the case long term as the golf courses will eventually beckon!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Or more fishing 😊


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Just as what works for us....we removed the TV from our bedroom about 15 yes ago. I was against that at first but after a while realized it was a good thing.


Funny you say that as I demanded no TV in the bedroom. This was honored for 18 years. I finally relented. I get laid more. Go figure. :laugh:


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Towards the end of my 13 year marriage we were down to 2-4X/week. Early on it was every day but once we had kids, careers, etc. it just naturally decreased.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

badsanta said:


> If you read stories of women that are HD and want sex everyday, it seems rather odd that these men you speak of are almost no where to be found!


What's really needed is a spouse exchange service. You enter the traits yours has, and the traits you want, and your own traits, and it matches with someone just like you who has the reverse of your spouse. You trade, and everyone is happy!


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Mr. Nail said:


> Breathe deep the gathering gloom,
> Watch lights fade from every room.
> Bedsitter people look back and lament,
> Another day's useless energy is spent.
> ...


Moody Blues?


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Sometimes Sex enters women's brains at the most inappropriate of times...like Sunday Night Football.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

OnTheFly said:


> Moody Blues?


Yes Late Lament from the days of Future Past. I thought it reinforced the idea that what is average is no necessarily good for any particular person because we each can see the same event (nightfall) in so many different ways.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Sometimes Sex enters women's brains at the most inappropriate of times...like Sunday Night Football.


That's why good invented the DVR.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Cletus said:


> That's why good invented the DVR.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


DVR live sports??? N E V E R


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> DVR live sports??? N E V E R


Watch commercials? N E V E R.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Mr. Nail said:


> Breathe deep the gathering gloom,
> Watch lights fade from every room.
> Bedsitter people look back and lament,
> Another day's useless energy is spent.
> ...


Cold hearted orb that rules the night,
Removes the colors from our sight,
Red is black, and yellow white,
But which is real and
which is the illusion?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its really a good idea - though of course totally impractical. Would solve a lot of issues though. 


My guess is that people would find that there were not many people out there who met all of their requirements. 




Married but Happy said:


> What's really needed is a spouse exchange service. You enter the traits yours has, and the traits you want, and your own traits, and it matches with someone just like you who has the reverse of your spouse. You trade, and everyone is happy!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

There really is no normal or average. Its what works for you. Every single coupe is different. If you want sex every day and she once a week, then maybe compromise to twice a week. You claim that most men would want sex as often as you do, but you have no way of knowing that. Its just an assumption. 
If you take notice of the men who come here and say they still have sex every day after a long marriage, then that will make you discontent with you wife, and that is deadly for a marriage. 
Be thankful for her and for what she is to you, and communicate more. I very much doubt that many couples have sex once a day after very long marriages. There are always going to be extremes.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

uhtred said:


> From what I can tell, there is a HUGE variation, and that makes "average" or "median" not very useful measures. There are a significant number of couples who have sex every day and keep that up in long term marriages. There are a significant number of couples who go many months or even years without sex.
> 
> *My wife probably wants sex maybe once a month*, and thinks she is compromising at once a week - but in reality its about once every other week and a very limited set of things she is willing to do. (and usually pretty passionless).
> 
> ...


Would you be willing to provide more details about this? What was the 2x/day woman like? Could you tell that she was that way from looking at other areas of her life, or her behavior in other areas? Or did you never expect it prior to sleeping with her? What caused the relationship to fail?

And what was your wife like before the sex 1x/month thing came to the light? Was she different? Were there any warning signs that you missed, but see now?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

If you haven’t bet money on the game - why does live matter?

And yes I’m with you on the commercial thing. We don’t watch commercials either. 




Cletus said:


> Watch commercials? N E V E R.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Where there's a will (Feb 10, 2014)

*What s the average sex life like for married couplesit*

Its a great question but I feel its probably not an answerable one. Sex is linked to desire. So the question is 'How much is the average person desired?' This forum is full of men that are trapped in a marriage that they didnt enter into because the desire by their beloved has gone and they are left high and dry. This is perceived as normal by the wife because they are living in a different world entirely from the man, he has testosterone coursing through his veins, they dont!. Most men want a wife that is focused on pleasing their man in the bedroom, this will then determine what should be normal in sex frequency and quality. But what is normal desire on the part of the wife?. The fact that the man has to be the one to initiate every time is a passion killer in itself. A man wants to be respected and that is no better demonstrated than a ready and willing partner in the bedroom...if only this could be the normal state of things divorce would be very rare. In popular culture sex is traded, it is seen as a powerful bargaining chip wielded by women because they have the luxury of being able to lead a fulfilled life without sex, this is why it is difficult to measjre normal. If we equate normal to happy, for most couples there is forced compromise that keeps a constant turnover in divorce courts.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

MEM2020 said:


> If you haven’t bet money on the game - why does live matter?
> 
> And yes I’m with you on the commercial thing. We don’t watch commercials either.
> 
> ...



Obviously spoken by someone that never had a great game ruined by finding out who won beforehand.


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## Freetown (Oct 19, 2017)

badsanta said:


> here are two of my threads that may shed some light on the topic for you:
> 
> https://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/316738-how-much-sex-would-enough.html
> 
> ...


Good topics and interesting feedback! 

With regards to me wanting sex everyday I would like to clarify that this is mostly because I hadn t had sex the day before. I remember 1 week my wife and I had sex everyday (never understood why she was so turned on that week), and after the 5th day I was more than satisfied and maybe preferred to take a break.
So maybe my ideal sex frequency would be 4x a week, and until that figure is reached I will be interested to have sex each single day.

Btw: I do have selfsex to compensate, and it does help to remove the "tension", but it s not the same as having sex with my wife.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Freetown said:


> She says none of her friends is married to a HD man and that I should be happy with the 1x a week. Ok, I may be on the upper side, but I would find it hard to believe that the other men wouldn t want to touch their wives or have sex with them next to the once a week sex. I thought most men (not all) would be happy to have sex every day.


My wife told me that all her colleagues at work don't have sex with their husbands any more... we are talking couples late 40s/early 50s... go figure!


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## Freetown (Oct 19, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> My wife told me that all her colleagues at work don't have sex with their husbands any more... we are talking couples late 40s/early 50s... go figure!


Waw. How come? Would they all be okay with it?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Freetown said:


> Waw. How come? Would they all be okay with it?


I have no idea... I think she was exaggerating a touch, to make her point... maybe a couple? I will never know, since I'm not going to ask her again... I don't need to. :smile2:


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

badsanta said:


> If you read stories of women that are HD and want sex everyday, it seems rather odd that these men you speak of are almost no where to be found!
> 
> The reality is that most men totally overestimate and boast about their virility. Perhaps they could handle it everyday for short stints, but that will not be the case long term as the golf courses will eventually beckon!


Well, that... To me, I'm amazed at the time available for the daily or twice daily crowd... Its hard in my view to do this and maintain some passion over a long time. 

In our good days we could easily spend 2 and 3 hours at a time, and a quickie was half an hour... But, different things for different people.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> What's really needed is a spouse exchange service. You enter the traits yours has, and the traits you want, and your own traits, and it matches with someone just like you who has the reverse of your spouse. You trade, and everyone is happy!


A woman from my village would meet the "opposite of current spouse" quite well... No income, excellent cook, no complaining, no education, and if they're interested in nookie like 40 years ago, we're good


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

john117 said:


> In our good days we could easily spend 2 and 3 hours at a time, and a quickie was half an hour... But, different things for different people.


Okay, John, did you stop every 5 minutes to take measurements and record notes in a lab journal? :nerd: (j/k) In our good days (and we still have some), we could spend a couple of hours as well, but most of the time it takes us far less time to reach a mutual, very satisfactory conclusion. That makes it possible to fit 2 or 3 rounds in a day (even a work day), leaving the leisurely stuff for the weekend.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> My wife told me that all her colleagues at work don't have sex with their husbands any more... we are talking couples late 40s/early 50s... go figure!


How sad, we are in our early 60s and still have regular sex.


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## Freetown (Oct 19, 2017)

Btw: I like the challenge sfalken mentioned in the thread "how much sex would be enough": "She likes to keep me interested. Right now were having the "5 minute challenge" on the weekdays. If I can "get there" in 5 minutes or less, she promises to "do me" the next day again.. (Mon-Fri) but if on any day I take longer than 5 minutes, the deal is off. As of today, I've gotten her (including the longer weekend sessions) 11 days in a row! Going for 17 days including this coming weekend - and I'll see what she says about next week."
It's a good idea to introduce some games, but it helps if the SO doesn t have an aversion to sex.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

So we are in our 40th year of marriage and together 45 years. The kids have moved out. We got rid of the 3000 sq ft mausoleum and got ourselves a funky townhouse just her, me and the cat. We call it the love nest. We weren’t always as sexual as we wanted, given kids, family constraints, etc. We watched our friends kind of just having a meh life with each other and said no. She’s my best friend, my confidant. And she, at 63 is the sexiest woman ever. We average every other day. It would be every day, but we need recovery time. There are mornings that I feel like a bowl of Rice Krispies, my old bones go snap, krackle and pop. Off to the gym, then drinks on the deck and afternoon delight.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Okay, John, did you stop every 5 minutes to take measurements and record notes in a lab journal? :nerd: (j/k) In our good days (and we still have some), we could spend a couple of hours as well, but most of the time it takes us far less time to reach a mutual, very satisfactory conclusion. That makes it possible to fit 2 or 3 rounds in a day (even a work day), leaving the leisurely stuff for the weekend.


No lab journals, infrared video cameras 

I actually saw the relationship go sour when our long sessions became shorter... And shorter. Ironically these were the epitome of connection. Lost that, and the rest was predictable...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Okay, John, did you stop every 5 minutes to take measurements and record notes in a lab journal? :nerd: (j/k) In our good days (and we still have some), we could spend a couple of hours as well, but most of the time it takes us far less time to reach a mutual, very satisfactory conclusion. That makes it possible to fit 2 or 3 rounds in a day (even a work day), leaving the leisurely stuff for the weekend.


No lab journals, infrared video cameras 

I actually saw the relationship go sour when our long sessions became shorter... And shorter. Ironically these were the epitome of connection. Lost that, and the rest was predictable...


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

john117 said:


> No lab journals, infrared video cameras
> 
> *I actually saw the relationship go sour when our long sessions became shorter...* And shorter. Ironically these were the epitome of connection. Lost that, and the rest was predictable...


What was the cause, if I may ask? Or do you believe shorter sex sessions were the actual cause of the relationship going downhill?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

BioFury said:


> What was the cause, if I may ask? Or do you believe shorter sex sessions were the actual cause of the relationship going downhill?


What caused the downhill was us turning 50. Apparently in her PERCEPTION of her culture (Central Asian communist / theocracy country) that's when you call it a day sexually. I've spent many a weekend party observing her compatriots in America and I don't really think she was making things up. Which is a pity because her 50+ lady friends were excellent specimen, in shape, fashionable... But, no real interest in much affection, intimacy, and the like. Husbands in one room, wives in another was the party norm.

To that, add a totally screwed up family - serious mental health issues and toxic personalities, zero affection, parents living separate for years on end due to her father's work... 

And to top it all off, diagnosed BPD and likely Asperger's. Her younger brother is high functioning autistic... 

I'm good but not THAT good in fixing people .


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Haven't read the whole thread, but to the OP.  I'm not sure this forum is the place to find that out. Many on this board are motivated by sex and will drop a partner if they don't get sex everyday sometimes twice a day . Many others are here trying to solve sexless marriages.

I know in my own marriage we have varied from 1 per week or two to 7-10 times a week. So many things have affected that such as kids, jobs, stress, family, lack of leadership. I will say this board seems to think if the sex is less frequent than that means the woman isn't into the man. My own experience has had nothing to do with how much I loved or found my husband attractive. However, at no time did he ever express that he wanted more sex so I don't know how that would have effected things. I did once ask him ideally how often he would like sex and his answer of daily blew my mind since he didn't initiate daily.

We also had to work through responsive desire.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I should clarify. When I say varied that is over our 25 year marriage.

And as a surprise the 5-10 times is now after 25 years of marriage. So our most frequent sex is later. The kids are gone, we are better at communicating and pleasing each other. The limit is often he can't preform more than that so as a poster once told me when I was worried. Don't sweat it he's pushing 50.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Freetown said:


> My wife and I often have discussions about me being to eager and to focused on sex and intimacy. If you would ask me I'd like to have sex everyday. We now have sex approx once a week, same position and finished in 5 minutes, but it doens t keep me satisfied for a couple of days. I d love to kiss my wife, to be more intimate, be more passionate. I've read people have less sex now, because there is much more entertainment. They watch Netflix and then fall asleep. I would personnaly prefer to switch off Netflix to have sex.
> 
> I don't think I m a sex addict, but I do like it. However, I m not sure how "average" I am.
> 
> My question now is: what do you consider an average sex life for a 10y married couple, in quantity and quality? Do people have more sex when they are on holidays, during spring and summer? Does an average couple have sex before going to work? Do they send erotic messages during the day? Does the wife take initiative? What about foreplay? ...


I don't think there is a normal or average. You want more intimacy and sex so your normal is more than what you are getting.

5 minutes???? A quickie takes us at least 15?!?

How satisfied is she?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Freetown said:


> My wife and I often have discussions about me being to eager and to focused on sex and intimacy. If you would ask me I'd like to have sex everyday. We now have sex approx once a week, same position and finished in 5 minutes, but it doens t keep me satisfied for a couple of days. I d love to kiss my wife, to be more intimate, be more passionate. I've read people have less sex now, because there is much more entertainment. They watch Netflix and then fall asleep. I would personnaly prefer to switch off Netflix to have sex.
> 
> I don't think I m a sex addict, but I do like it. However, I m not sure how "average" I am.
> 
> My question now is: what do you consider an average sex life for a 10y married couple, in quantity and quality? Do people have more sex when they are on holidays, during spring and summer? Does an average couple have sex before going to work? Do they send erotic messages during the day? Does the wife take initiative? What about foreplay? ...




I like it every day or so. But can live with every 2-3 days. My wife was not the same (especially when kids came along) and her moods are dependant on her cycle a bit...but we found a way and she’s back ‘in the game’. Where there is a will, there is a way and if things are good between us, she wants it when I want it, for the most part.

Sexy text messages, nude pics, long foreplays, sex outdoors etc are all a must 

I don’t know what average is but I guess less than once a week is probably below average and more than daily is above. There’s a ‘norm’ somewhere in between.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I don't know that I have a hard number that would make me happy. When I was married though it was not enough, especially later one. I vividly remember my ex telling me that NONE of her girl friends like to have sex with their husbands. it was just something they did to keep the peace. This was in response to me asking why she has avoided having sex with me. I guess it was supposed to make me feel like I should be happy for the once every other week duty sex, I guess. Another time she told me that she was just too busy to think about it (as she meticulously planned a girls week end). 
Since my divorce, most of my relationships have involved having sex 5 or 6 times every weekend (when we first get together before we go out, when we get back and the again in the morning. If we are going out the next night, rinse and repeat.) and occasionally during the week if we happen to get together. Sometimes I think about turning it down, but then you have to strike while the iron is hot.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Freetown said:


> Good topics and interesting feedback!
> 
> With regards to me wanting sex everyday I would like to clarify that this is mostly because I hadn t had sex the day before. I remember 1 week my wife and I had sex everyday (never understood why she was so turned on that week), and after the 5th day I was more than satisfied and maybe preferred to take a break.
> So maybe my ideal sex frequency would be 4x a week, and until that figure is reached I will be interested to have sex each single day.
> ...


One thing you may wish to explore in your marriage is the idea that your wife participates in your efforts of self exploration. I am not saying she has to be present during the deed, but perhaps she may have some input and opinions as to what you do or think about during these times. 

I mean obviously a wife would hope that her husband enjoys thinking about her during moments when she is not available for whatever reason. So may be willing to get involved to give you "something to enjoy thinking about!" Say for example your wife is uncomfortable with you watching porn because she fears you may interact with nefarious strangers, but she is has no problems with printed materials such as magazines or books of an erotic nature. She may not mind buying you a rather stimulating book to read, and it may make for fun conversations afterwards. 

In the event your wife is uncomfortable with this type of conversation, you can explore what it is that makes her uncomfortable. Perhaps she grew up being made to feel ashamed of sexuality and the respective feelings and desires...

If you want a laugh!... go to Amazon on read the reviews of the most popular sexual novelties with close attention to a rechargeable-lithium-ion-battery-powered vibrator. Female after female will give rave reviews, but the stereotypical male will complain that the device is faulty because the batteries will not recharge properly. Why is that? It is because the wife is using it without telling the husband and will play dumb when the batteries are totally drained come time to use the novelty device as a couple. Then you can imagine their horror to watch their husband's pack up their new favorite toy and return it or haul it off to the dump thinking that it is just a useless piece of junk.

You would have think Amazon would have figured this one out and have the men perform and endurance tests on adult novelties immediately after charging the batteries to see if it suddenly somehow works perfectly under these conditions. Then Amazon could explain that the devices do not drain themselves and that undisclosed use may be occurring! 

That should provide you with some fun insight into the dynamics of most couples! 



Cheers, 
Badsanta

PS: I had to go read some reviews after posting this, and here are some that give me a chuckle



> Updated review. Bought this in February and it barely keeps a charge now. Going to have to toss it.


Yeah right! The thing is now being enjoyed...



> It randomly turned on lsat night while I was sleeping and I couldn't get it to turn off. Very confused


Ummmm... a poorly trained ninja wife was just using it you idiot husband! 



> Didn't charge upon arrival. Had to send it back to Amazon.


Yes it charged and your wife used it. Then come time to try it together the batteries were dead and your wife was upset with you for making her feel really awkward to have to lie and pretend to confirm your fear that the batteries are defective. 



> It was a great toy- until it kept turning off randomly, and stopped holding a charge.
> Only got to use it once


Husband managed to use this once with the wife, and now she secretly uses it but may not know where the charger is hidden! 



...you know, I could be wrong about all those reviews... but thinking that way makes me laugh!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Hey, OP said "self sex" which I'll go out on a limb and say that's masterbating 😊 which may cause addl comments from others who say they don't m no matter what....(which again I'll call BS on...) 

But the qty that works for you and SO is the right amount. That's the key.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

5 years happily married here, 7 together. We did have some huge issues with LD (him) and HD (me) but to his credit we worked it through and he really stepped up...he's much more spontaneous than he used to be. Most weeks we'd average twice, but some only once (which I hate but it's nowhere near like it was before).

This afternoon I sent him a photo of me doing the mopping in my leggings and bra, got a reply that he "wasn't feeling well and had to come home RIGHT now!" rofl. We spent the afternoon making love. The first time we couldn't even make it upstairs bahahahaha. Now he's walking around whistling, too cute!!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I'm 65, wife 59 and I still want sex at least once a day, sometimes twice. When I was much younger (late 40's to early twenties, if I did not have sex for one day I would not be able to sleep/Get headaches). Not anymore, but I still want sex just above everyday. 

Sadly, my wife can not loger have PIV everytime/every day. But still she does try to satisfy me any other way she can, when not able. 

So, now PIV average is twice/week.

As an aside. The way I found out about my wife's problem a few years ago was to me the most horrible way: we were having sex when I started to notice that my wife was keeping her head to one side and not seeking to kiss or look at me. When I realized that I turn her head to look into her eyes and ask what was going on; I saw tears coming from her eyes and a very pained expression on her face. Needless to say, sex stopped at that moment. Found out that intercourse was starting to get extremely painful for her due to severe dryness. She said that she didn't tell me anything because she knew that I was not going to sleep well if I didn't have the sex. That was that, I told her how horribly I felt at that moment, because all she had to do was to tell me and I would have understood. 

I love her more than ever after that. I didn't know the sacrifice she was making in order to keep me sexually satisfied. All is good now though, we go by the flow of things with her and when PIV the moment she is not longer comfortable we switch to something else.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Being in the business that I am in, and being a highly interested individual, I ask other men of my vintage what their sex lives are at this moment. I, to be completely frank, am both disgusted and surprised. I consider us to be a normal couple in most ways, I will admit we can be weird at times, we have a verbal shorthand with one another, but I thought that was normal after 40 years married 45 together. Then we start to put together what is happening in our friends' and acquaintances' bedrooms. My good friend, who I have known for 50 years, on his third marriage, has not had sex in over a year. Twofold, she is not interested, and he has ED problems. He was massively surprised to hear that we are still quite active, and never go more than two days without. Then a group of us (males) with +/- 20 years age difference between us were comparing notes, and most said that their sex lives had settled to once a week, or once every two weeks. I said if I had to go that long, I'd be poking holes through the drywall. This has led me to a theory. Comparatively speaking, my wife and I are in much better physical shape than most of our friends and acquaintances. I am unsure whether this is a byproduct of our sexual attraction to one another, or is our sexual attraction making us get into the gym to improve ourselves, but the net effect is that we look and act much younger than our numbers say we do. We were discussing our parents the other evening, our daughter was having a birthday and we were looking through an album. There were pictures of our parents at one of these kiddie birthdays, and I remarked that her Dad was the same age as me in that picture. She remarked, "But he looked so much older then, than you do." Plain fact was that our parents never really took that good care of themselves. We do, and it shows in every way.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

"Normal" in this regard varies for each couple, and what's normal for you might not be normal for the next person. I'll say that I agree with you in that I'd rather turn the TV off and enjoy my significant other. My drive is pretty high as well, and in a perfect world, sex would happen 2x per day. I know that schedules don't allow for that for the long term though, so I'd be happy with once a day or a few times a week. 

What I would do if I were you: talk to your wife, and let her know that once a week just isn't enough for you. Would she go for twice a week to start? And then just gradually increase from there little by little until you're happy and she isn't overwhelmed. Maybe she just has a really low drive?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

what do you consider an average sex life for a 10y married couple, in quantity and quality?

WE ARE GOING ON OVER 20 YEARS TOGETHER..WE HAVE MORE SEX THAN EVER IN QUANTITY AND QUALITY 

Do people have more sex when they are on holidays, during spring and summer? 

WE HAVE MORE ON HOLIDAY IF CONDITIONS PERMIT IT

Does an average couple have sex before going to work? 

SOMETIMES

Do they send erotic messages during the day? 

SURE

Does the wife take initiative? 

YES

What about foreplay? ...

ALWAYS...

Sorry about the caps..I was trying to divide Q&A.

Sex is like anything else. If you don't put any effort in then you get little return. Have you read any books, talked to your wife about it, learned her love language, come to the understanding you might be the problem? It took us a while before we took the advice in these previous statements. 

And most importantly: Have you created the environment and type of relationship with your wife that allows her to be sexually creative and confident? It is my belief that most women contain more
sexual capacity and capability than men...it's just that the men don't create the environment to allow that to happen.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Married 15 years... We’ve had sex (by sex I’m including PIV, handjobs, oral, mutual/interactive masturbation, and anal) 6 times since Saturday night. 
2 times Saturday night (anal and handjob)
2 times Sunday morning (PIV and BJ)
1 time Sunday night (PIV)
1 time Monday night (foreplay/interactive masturbation)
Those were all to completion too. Husband was pretty proud of himself. 

That was a lot of sex. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves (and plan to mess around again tonight) but normally it’s not quite that crazy. 
Normal for us would probably be 5-6 times a week. 

I definitely don’t think you’re wrong for wanting it more than once a week.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Ebb and flow....

Having kids and long work hours are very tough to make a set schedule. Spontaneity, is a fairy tale to say the least. More like frenzied. Get it while it's hot...Then back to work and kids....

I'd say atleast 1 a week, usually the weekend. But timing is tough.... Thank heavens, school started and kids go to bed earlier!

But, when our "sync" is off....Then it's an epic fail. She gets tired, or I'm in a funk...And wham! No loving for the whole week. Sucks.

I feel sorry for the parents that have kids in the house till their 26. Thats nuts!


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## growingme (Jun 11, 2017)

My Wife and I are 29 and 31 married for 9 years, and I have a very demanding job as a Vice President for a Credit Union. We typically have sex maybe once every 6-9 months. This started back when she had an EA several years ago with a package delivery driver at her old place of work. We moved past it all and have a great relationship despite the lack of sex. I eventually learned how to completely shut my sex drive down after repeated rejections from my Wife. Kind of ironic how she is now the one asking for sex after the years of rejection by her. I just simply don't have time for it and we've both come to understand that sex isn't required, it's a bonus in life/marriage. We still go on dates, spend plenty of time together, go on vacations, etc. Just no sex, and it's just fine with me.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

growingme said:


> My Wife and I are 29 and 31 married for 9 years, and I have a very demanding job as a Vice President for a Credit Union. We typically have sex maybe once every 6-9 months. This started back when she had an EA several years ago with a package delivery driver at her old place of work. We moved past it all and have a great relationship despite the lack of sex. I eventually learned how to completely shut my sex drive down after repeated rejections from my Wife. Kind of ironic how she is now the one asking for sex after the years of rejection by her. I just simply don't have time for it and we've both come to understand that sex isn't required, it's a bonus in life/marriage. We still go on dates, spend plenty of time together, go on vacations, etc. Just no sex, and it's just fine with me.


I was going to say that most people would not be OK with this. But I guess I can't speak for others.

All I can say is, that having sex once or twice a month is killing me. There is no way I could remain married if we only had sex once or twice a year. 

No job is that demanding.


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## growingme (Jun 11, 2017)

SadSamIAm said:


> I was going to say that most people would not be OK with this. But I guess I can't speak for others.
> 
> All I can say is, that having sex once or twice a month is killing me. There is no way I could remain married if we only had sex once or twice a year.
> 
> No job is that demanding.


My friends think I'm crazy as well, but I just have all of that energy that would be wasted on sex focused on other things which has helped me achieve new levels in my career. It was in all honesty one of the best decisions I have ever made. I recall those days where I was sex crazed like a teenager and was always thinking about sex, or depressed that my Wife had rejected me. The 6-9 month mark is much easier to maintain due to my schedule, and the best part is there's no pressure. We both masturbate when needs do arise, and they will since we are human. We just typically use masturbation as a means to getting off and getting out.

And honestly, not to sound sour but I would NEVER allow myself to return to a normal sex drive simply due to the fact I would never allow a woman to have that kind of power over my needs. I saw what happens when you have a normal sex drive and it drove me absolutely crazy for MONTHS. Never again.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

growingme said:


> My friends think I'm crazy as well, but I just have all of that energy that would be wasted on sex focused on other things which has helped me achieve new levels in my career. It was in all honesty one of the best decisions I have ever made. I recall those days where I was sex crazed like a teenager and was always thinking about sex, or depressed that my Wife had rejected me. The 6-9 month mark is much easier to maintain due to my schedule, and the best part is there's no pressure. We both masturbate when needs do arise, and they will since we are human. We just typically use masturbation as a means to getting off and getting out.
> 
> And honestly, not to sound sour but I would NEVER allow myself to return to a normal sex drive simply due to the fact I would never allow a woman to have that kind of power over my needs. I saw what happens when you have a normal sex drive and it drove me absolutely crazy for MONTHS. Never again.




when asked what surprises him the most in a recent interview, the Dalai Lama offered this insightful response: “Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Early 50's here, married 15 years with two grade-school age kids, and if we have sex once a year, that's a lot. This is a far cry from the woman who took me to her place after our first date where we got to third base and finalized the deal a week later. Granted, with kids, and nowhere to dump them off, it's hard, but she's also very lazy, and is constantly complaining about how tired she is. Sex isn't on her radar - iPhone/iPad games, dumb TV shows, and sleeping are more important. If we go out, she makes sure to let me know just how tired she is/how bad her head hurts, so that I don't pester her for sex. 

Before I met my wife, I was in a relationship like Ynot's - sex at least 7 or 8 times a weekend. Wife and I haven't had sex that many times total since at least 2010. I'm starting to think my wife's ex divorced her due to her not wanting sex, and refusing to do anything about it.


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## growingme (Jun 11, 2017)

PigglyWiggly said:


> when asked what surprises him the most in a recent interview, the Dalai Lama offered this insightful response: “Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”


I can agree 100% with that, except I am completely happy with my life and our marriage is great with our routine.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

> And honestly, not to sound sour but I would NEVER allow myself to return to a normal sex drive simply due to the fact I would never allow a woman to have that kind of power over my needs.


So you consider this to be a healthy attitude.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Early 50's here, married 15 years with two grade-school age kids, and if we have sex once a year, that's a lot. This is a far cry from the woman who took me to her place after our first date where we got to third base and finalized the deal a week later. Granted, with kids, and nowhere to dump them off, it's hard, but she's also very lazy, and is constantly complaining about how tired she is. Sex isn't on her radar - iPhone/iPad games, dumb TV shows, and sleeping are more important. If we go out, she makes sure to let me know just how tired she is/how bad her head hurts, so that I don't pester her for sex.
> 
> Before I met my wife, I was in a relationship like Ynot's - sex at least 7 or 8 times a weekend. Wife and I haven't had sex that many times total since at least 2010. I'm starting to think my wife's ex divorced her due to her not wanting sex, and refusing to do anything about it.


Man, time to adopt the rule that no TV shows, ph games, or texts are more important than spending some intimate time together. TV and games will always be there. Time available to get together will not. 

The rule works well. Put it firmly out there. Schedule early evening hour or so together as well as weekend mornings.

Practiced, this becomes the norm easier than you think because the benefits and improved relationship manifest early. 

It's good.


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## growingme (Jun 11, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> So you consider this to be a healthy attitude.


Considering that I am much happier now than I was when my libido was in full gear, absolutely.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

growingme said:


> Considering that I am much happier now than I was when my libido was in full gear, absolutely.


If you were with a woman who had never cheated and you were not worried about her having power over you, do you believe you would desire sex? What if she desired regular sex? Would you tell the woman you promised to love and cherish that her needs were not important and that if it bothered her she must not really love you?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

growingme said:


> Considering that I am much happier now than I was when my libido was in full gear, absolutely.





personofinterest said:


> If you were with a woman who had never cheated and you were not worried about her having power over you, do you believe you would desire sex? What if she desired regular sex? Would you tell the woman you promised to love and cherish that her needs were not important and that if it bothered her she must not really love you?


OMG you two. Go get a thread!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

There are stories where a M happily married even without sex, in his journey stumbled into a woman who in one night or so reminded him how sex can make two people feel closer than any roommate. 

Because he didn't have the additional closeness sex brings with his wife, his rekindled reminder led him to try and keep both women. Always a disaster for all three and family. 

Even the best laid plans of mice and men sometimes go astray. Just a thought.


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## growingme (Jun 11, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> If you were with a woman who had never cheated and you were not worried about her having power over you, do you believe you would desire sex? What if she desired regular sex? Would you tell the woman you promised to love and cherish that her needs were not important and that if it bothered her she must not really love you?


At this point I honestly think it's to late to get my libido back. Sadly I spent so long focusing on shutting it down when she was constantly rejecting me that I think there is just to much damage done to my libido to even try again. God forbid that my Wife and I ever divorce, but if that were to happen I highly doubt I would ever marry again, let alone date. If I were to be single again I would get much more gratification from a platonic relationship than a physical one. There is no risk of harm that way. I do appreciate your questions as I think I can admit I just plain out do not trust women. I'm sure there are some great women out there, and I hope they have fulfilling relationships with men that share their same interests and have matched drives.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

growingme said:


> I can agree 100% with that, except I am completely happy with my life and our marriage is great with our routine.


fair enough. Thanks for the reply and I hope you two remain happily married


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I honestly think a sexless marriage CAN be a healthy marriage if both parties are on the same page. The problem comes when one partner cares nothing about sex and the other does. That is why I am BIG advocate of talking these things through extensively and (sorry Brother X from the youth group) trying before you buy.

I spent way over a decade of a 2 decade marriage starving with a man who cared nothing about sex. If I had been asexual too it would have been fine.

The original question was asking about averages. I doubt the "average" married couple has sex 3 times a day. I also doubt the "average" couple never has sex.

I have friends who are crushed if they don't get roses on V-Day or a big gift for their birthdays. I could honestly care less, but I am not going to tell them they are shallow or wrong for needing that. And those are THINGS. I'm certainly not going to go onto a board littered with people starving for sex and affection and imply their needs are not real or significant.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Freetown said:


> My wife and I often have discussions about me being to eager and to focused on sex and intimacy. If you would ask me I'd like to have sex everyday. We now have sex approx once a week, same position and finished in 5 minutes, but it doens t keep me satisfied for a couple of days. I d love to kiss my wife, to be more intimate, be more passionate. I've read people have less sex now, because there is much more entertainment. They watch Netflix and then fall asleep. I would personnaly prefer to switch off Netflix to have sex.
> 
> I don't think I m a sex addict, but I do like it. However, I m not sure how "average" I am.
> 
> My question now is: what do you consider an average sex life for a 10y married couple, in quantity and quality? Do people have more sex when they are on holidays, during spring and summer? Does an average couple have sex before going to work? Do they send erotic messages during the day? Does the wife take initiative? What about foreplay? ...


No you are not a sex addict. Does your wife say that you are?

Wanting sex every day or two is not unusual.

What was sex like in the early years of your marriage? If you had sex before marriage, what was that like?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Freetown said:


> Do people have more sex when they are on holidays, during spring and summer?


Yes



Freetown said:


> Does an average couple have sex before going to work?


Some times



Freetown said:


> Do they send erotic messages during the day?


no



Freetown said:


> Does the wife take initiative?


About as often as the guy does



Freetown said:


> What about foreplay? ...


Lots and lots of it


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

21-30 = sex at least once a day.

30-40 = sex a few nights a week. Wife swapping, and sharing a live in girlfriend. Mostly FFM threesomes followed by one on one sex with each girl almost nightly. After repressing it for so long my wife was finally sexual with her best friend who was also secretly bi. They had a lot of time to make up and insisted I join in or just watch.

40-50 = Threesomes about five times a month since our girlfriend got married and she had to split her time between her marriage and ours. Sex with my wife 2-3 times a week in addition to the threesomes.

50-58 = Menopause for both women so sex was reduced to only a few nights a week and only 2-3 threesomes a month.

58-61 = Moved away from girlfriend and we had to adjust to being just a couple again so sex was about 2-3 times a month. Wife not that interested but did wifely duty. Her preference was more towards women at this time. Up to this point I was the only one who initiated sex.

61-66 = Got into chastity play since it fit our situation and the kick started our sex life. My wife did not have to reciprocate and orgasms were only for her most of the time. She got into it and started having some of her most intense orgasms. She controlled the frequency of my orgasm from anywhere from a month to 2-3 months. I owed her for all those threesomes she let me join in. My wife was in charge of our sex life so she was initiating it for the first time in her life and she was enjoying it.

67- = My wife got back into sex with me on a regular basis which is about once a week due to our age and medical problems. We have not had intercourse for 20 year due to various reasons from preference to medical. We started the year with scheduled sex but I told my wife that I wanted to have sex when we both were in the mood and not on days when one of us may not be horny, so she is now surprising me with sex if she sees that I am horny.

My sex life was so different than I ever imagined it would be. Both women were into any and all fetish play. No jealousy and no problem with occasional play with others as a couple. As you can see, my sex life is different than most people. There is no normal. What is normal is what satisfies the both of you be it twice a week or twice a day. As long as both of your sexual needs are met, that is your normal sex life. We had friends in open relationships, friends into swapping and swinging. We also had very conservative monogamous friends who like us, are married for 46 or more years. We had gay and lesbian couples we hung out with and another couple who was in a poly triad like we were. 

As you can see, there are all kinds of sex lives so normal really has no meaning. For me, my lifestyle was normal. I never thought about it much since it was all I knew for most of my life. Our normal is a heterosexual husband married go a bisexual wife who has never enjoyed sex with any other man but me, and other than me prefers women. And we made it work and it was wonderful.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

growingme said:


> And honestly, not to sound sour but I would NEVER allow myself to return to a normal sex drive simply due to the fact I would never allow a woman to have that kind of power over my needs.


I don't think you even see the irony in this statement.


You allowed ONE woman, without her really even _trying_, to cause you to completely shut down one of your most basic of human desires and completely re-train yourself to never desire intimacy again. You've completely allowed her to have 100% power over your needs.


Not sure why you think you have to die on that hill at the very young age of 31, but it's your choice.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

growingme said:


> My friends think I'm crazy as well, but I just have all of that energy that would be wasted on sex focused on other things which has helped me achieve new levels in my career. It was in all honesty one of the best decisions I have ever made. I recall those days where I was sex crazed like a teenager and was always thinking about sex, or depressed that my Wife had rejected me. The 6-9 month mark is much easier to maintain due to my schedule, and the best part is there's no pressure. We both masturbate when needs do arise, and they will since we are human. We just typically use masturbation as a means to getting off and getting out.
> 
> And honestly, not to sound sour but I would NEVER allow myself to return to a normal sex drive simply due to the fact I would never allow a woman to have that kind of power over my needs. I saw what happens when you have a normal sex drive and it drove me absolutely crazy for MONTHS. Never again.


Ah... So it's not that you don't have time for sex. It's that you don't want to give her this much power...

In our 35 years together, we had great sex when we weren't expected to have time (with an infant, a toddler, both partners in part time work and full time PhD students). We also had a terrible sex life when said kids went to college. Needless to say we're separated as of January 2018. 

I don't disagree with the power of sex btw. There are better ways around it.


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## growingme (Jun 11, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I don't think you even see the irony in this statement.
> 
> 
> You allowed ONE woman, without her really even _trying_, to cause you to completely shut down one of your most basic of human desires and completely re-train yourself to never desire intimacy again. You've completely allowed her to have 100% power over your needs.
> ...


Unfortunately 3 of my 4 other long term relationships resulted in my girlfriends cheating. It's been a history of women showing me this is pretty typical of them is what made me shut down.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

growingme said:


> Unfortunately 3 of my 4 other long term relationships resulted in my girlfriends cheating. It's been a history of women showing me this is pretty typical of them is what made me shut down.


Broken picker... That needs a bit of introspection to delve into what makes you like some people. And some analysis to find root cause for such events. 

I wouldn't bother at my age but I'm nearly twice your age. Your call. 

Work ain't worth it btw. I spent a decade in college to not have to work Gulag hours.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I don't think you even see the irony in this statement.
> 
> 
> You allowed ONE woman, without her really even _trying_, to cause you to completely shut down one of your most basic of human desires and completely re-train yourself to never desire intimacy again. You've completely allowed her to have 100% power over your needs.
> ...


Bingo. This may sound counterintuitive, but consider yourself lucky for having fallen to these depths at a relatively young age. You have lots of life ahead of you if you choose to change course and recover now. I didnt reach that point until age 53, which changes the calculus a bit. Every day you stay the course, it gets harder to change course.

You can always make more money. You can always get more stuff. The one thing you never get another shot at is lost time. You're 31: your next two decades should rock.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Freetown said:


> My wife and I often have discussions about me being to eager and to focused on sex and intimacy. If you would ask me I'd like to have sex everyday. We now have sex approx once a week, same position and finished in 5 minutes, but it doens t keep me satisfied for a couple of days. I d love to kiss my wife, to be more intimate, be more passionate. I've read people have less sex now, because there is much more entertainment. They watch Netflix and then fall asleep. I would personnaly prefer to switch off Netflix to have sex.
> 
> I don't think I m a sex addict, but I do like it. However, I m not sure how "average" I am.
> 
> My question now is: what do you consider an average sex life for a 10y married couple, in quantity and quality? Do people have more sex when they are on holidays, during spring and summer? Does an average couple have sex before going to work? Do they send erotic messages during the day? Does the wife take initiative? What about foreplay? ...


You aren't weird at all. My husband would like to have sex every day also - passionate, fun sex. If he was getting 5 minute sex once a week, I'd expect him to be unhappy and developing a wandering eye.

Assume you've voiced your preferences to your wife?

I like to mess with my husband - but I've talked to him about this and he knows/gets what I'm doing. Mess with = flirt, stroke, walk around naked, etc. I like to drive him crazy and tease. It builds sexual tension even if I get busy and don't have time to have sex with him every day, he knows it's going to come at him unexpectedly - and, frankly, he does the same thing to me also. I find it a lot more fun and crazy to create quality sex than to expectantly have sex daily and routinely.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Freetown said:


> My question now is: what do you consider an average sex life for a 10y married couple, in quantity and quality?


DH and I have been married 15 years, together a total of 18. We avg. 3-6 times a week and the quality is good-great and sometimes mindblowing. 



Freetown said:


> Do people have more sex when they are on holidays, during spring and summer?


DH and I have only been on a few holidays together. Both were only 24-72 hrs and we had less sex because traveling with kids and in-laws is stressful. By the end of the day we just wanted to cuddle close and get some sleep!



Freetown said:


> Does an average couple have sex before going to work?


We sometimes have sex before we go to work. It's a great way to wake up, get energized, and be in a good mood for the day.



Freetown said:


> Do they send erotic messages during the day?


Meh, we're in our 40's. Texting wasn't really a thing yet when we started dating and DH isn't a fan of leaving X-rated pics or messages on a phone that could be lost, found by some stranger, and perused. We do our flirting via voice calls or in person.



Freetown said:


> Does the wife take initiative?


Of course!



Freetown said:


> What about foreplay? ...


Sometimes I want foreplay, sometimes he does, sometimes we're both just ready to go and don't want foreplay.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Freetown said:


> what do you consider an average sex life for a 10y married couple, in quantity and quality?


I can't speak for what's average. Yet I think it's perfectly normal and unsurprising, that through 22+ years of sharing sex together (19+ married). My wife and I have enjoyed a splendid ongoing, sometimes still surprising, high frequency and high quality sex life.



Freetown said:


> Do people have more sex when they are on holidays, during spring and summer?


We tend to average the same at anywhere between 4-6x a week and sometimes higher, whether we're on holidays or not.



Freetown said:


> Does an average couple have sex before going to work?


We sometimes do although it isn't very often, or we will instead sometimes play a little for the sexual tension, before going our seperate ways.



Freetown said:


> Do they send erotic messages during the day?


We don't, erotic texting seems lame to us, and kind of pointless since we can't touch one another.



Freetown said:


> Does the wife take initiative?


Yes my wife does.



Freetown said:


> What about foreplay?


Plenty of times yes, yet there are lots of times when that isn't wanted or a necessity. Just the suggestion is sometimes enough to get us going. It can be as simple as telling my wife to bend over and take her panties off. Or telling her that I am going to bend her over and have her, followed by doing exactly that.


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## Iechan (Aug 8, 2018)

Our average is once every week or two...or three. She generally wants me to not take too long. She'snever up for a round 2, she's a one and done. Actually once she's good she's kinda over it. I hate it though, like a lot of others I'd prefer 3 or more times a week. Nothing wrong with her, we are just mismatched in that department it seems.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I wonder what it is with women who do not enjoy or want sex. Is it hormones? Shame from prior training or teaching? A personality thing? I honestly cannot imagine NOT enjoying sex. And most people actually WANT to do something they really enjoy more than once a month.

And I am not certain anyone goes from wanting it all the time to never wanting it outside some trauma or physical issue. So I wonder - is the woman who seems to want her man all the time while dating but who no longer wants sex after marriage doing this consciously?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> I wonder what it is with women who do not enjoy or want sex. Is it hormones? Shame from prior training or teaching? A personality thing? I honestly cannot imagine NOT enjoying sex. And most people actually WANT to do something they really enjoy more than once a month.
> 
> And I am not certain anyone goes from wanting it all the time to never wanting it outside some trauma or physical issue. So I wonder - is the woman who seems to want her man all the time while dating but who no longer wants sex after marriage doing this consciously?


Well said, all items!


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> I wonder what it is with women who do not enjoy or want sex. Is it hormones? Shame from prior training or teaching? A personality thing? I honestly cannot imagine NOT enjoying sex. And most people actually WANT to do something they really enjoy more than once a month.
> 
> 
> 
> And I am not certain anyone goes from wanting it all the time to never wanting it outside some trauma or physical issue. So I wonder - is the woman who seems to want her man all the time while dating but who no longer wants sex after marriage doing this consciously?




That’s not the part I find surprising. The part that’s surprising is that there are so many relationships that suffer from the same thing.

I don’t think it’s a fully conscious decision. Imagine somebody you don’t want to have sex with, but have to. Doesn’t sound like fun suddenly anymore.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> That’s not the part I find surprising. The part that’s surprising is that there are so many relationships that suffer from the same thing.
> 
> I don’t think it’s a fully conscious decision. Imagine somebody you don’t want to have sex with, but have to. Doesn’t sound like fun suddenly anymore.
> 
> ...


Good point and well put.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> I wonder what it is with women who do not enjoy or want sex. Is it hormones? Shame from prior training or teaching? A personality thing? I honestly cannot imagine NOT enjoying sex. And most people actually WANT to do something they really enjoy more than once a month.
> 
> And I am not certain anyone goes from wanting it all the time to never wanting it outside some trauma or physical issue. So I wonder - is the woman who seems to want her man all the time while dating but who no longer wants sex after marriage doing this consciously?


A lot of men aren’t into sex that much either or they aren’t into their woman and the same result occurs either way. 

Some of these men just hold so much resentment about other things that they don’t want sex with her. Some are CSA victims. Some have a madonna ***** complex. Some are suffering from depression. Some have hormone imbalances. Some are germ freaks. Some just don’t like the way she has sex. 

Some have been LD mostly their whole lives. Some have porn addictions instead of a partnered sex life. Some are asexual but aren’t fully self aware yet. Some are cheating and don’t want to cheat on their AP.

Some are narcissists or have other disorders like autism (spectrum people have a wide variety of sexual feelings but some of them do not want to be touched much). Narcissists want to control everything and make you jump around like a puppet. Using sex for this is common but usually there is more withholding than sex.

I’ve known and read about so many LD men and women. Their reasons vary a lot individually but they tend to have the same types of reasons. Like a male or female narcissist will behave in similar ways usually, including all the sex control.

There are quite a lot of men who just aren’t that into sex. Sure maybe they developed an aversion to it that could maybe be “fixed” but if that man likes the way he is and feels normal and like he doesn’t need to be fixed, then his wife is SOL.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I was married to an almost a sexual man for 2 decades. I know this pain very well. But let's get honest… sexless with holding women far outnumber sexless withholding men. They just do. 

And honestly, most men who starve their wives try to fly under the radar because they know it's not the norm. It only seems to be women who will defend with their dying breath their refusal to meet their partner's needs. I just don't have much respect at all for a woman who will not have sex with her husband but is happy to remain married to him and reap all the benefits of the marriage for her. It's just plain selfish, I don't care how many socks he leaves in the floor.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> I wonder what it is with women who do not enjoy or want sex. Is it hormones? Shame from prior training or teaching? A personality thing? I honestly cannot imagine NOT enjoying sex. And most people actually WANT to do something they really enjoy more than once a month.
> 
> And I am not certain anyone goes from wanting it all the time to never wanting it outside some trauma or physical issue. So I wonder - is the woman who seems to want her man all the time while dating but who no longer wants sex after marriage doing this consciously?


For me, it was hormones (I don’t do well on hormonal birth control). I didn’t know it at the time though. I had previously loved sex and was very high drive. 
It was a very strange thing to go from loving sex to hating it. It stopped feeling good. I quit getting wet. Even stuff like oral sex just felt...irritating. I tried to pretend to enjoy it and I was still having sex about once a week. It was an awful experience. 
Everyone I tried to talk to about it told me it was normal after having kids. They said I was just “tired”. Even my doctor brushed it off. It was pretty upsetting to think that I was just going to be like that forever. I started even second guessing if I had ever really liked it that much before.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

I am of the opinion that an LTR is emotinoally the same as marriage, so I've had several.

Through my 20s, sex happened whenever we were together. Two different relationships, each at least 5 years long, one included her children.

30s to 60s, a few times a week. This included a 10 year LTR and a nearly 20 year marriage, times with kids and not.

Now...a few times right after her monthly cycle is done. And, her monthly cycle isn't monthly any more, it's less often. This has me puzzled because when she's "up" for it, she's a monster. I think I need to explore methods for turning her on more frequently as I believe it would be worth it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

DustyDog said:


> I think I need to explore methods for turning her on more frequently as I believe it would be worth it.


Perhaps I am projecting here based on my own marriage... redoing the caulk, tile and grout in the master bathroom is where you will want to invest most of your efforts! 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> That’s not the part I find surprising. The part that’s surprising is that there are so many relationships that suffer from the same thing.
> 
> I don’t think it’s a fully conscious decision. Imagine somebody you don’t want to have sex with, but have to. Doesn’t sound like fun suddenly anymore.
> 
> ...


I dig that. Then that SO should tell the other that quickly and communicate through it to happy marriage-land to avoid building resentments that explode the marriage without a chance.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Perhaps I am projecting here based on my own marriage... redoing the caulk, tile and grout in the master bathroom is where you will want to invest most of your efforts!
> 
> Cheers,
> Badsanta


You are definitely projecting. We would never stoop to OWNING tile and grout in the bathroom. That **** went out of style in the 1960s for a good reason - too much maintenance!

I do most of the housework for a few reasons:
1) I improve the efficiency of repetitive tasks
2) Due to a noteworthy age difference, I don't do an 8-5 job any more, so it's easier for me to schedule in the house tasks and teenage cartage.

Therefore...this is most certainly not an issue.

I think it's more to do with being present - a spiritual concept. I too often muse about wasting my talents and having done nothing useful and, as some have said "not living before death" and that prevents me from being present.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

DustyDog said:


> You are definitely projecting. We would never stoop to OWNING tile and grout in the bathroom. That **** went out of style in the 1960s for a good reason - too much maintenance!


So what you have a linoleum floor in your bathroom or is it one of those fancy finished/polished concrete floors?


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## Steelman (Mar 5, 2018)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Early 50's here, married 15 years with two grade-school age kids, and if we have sex once a year, that's a lot. This is a far cry from the woman who took me to her place after our first date where we got to third base and finalized the deal a week later. Granted, with kids, and nowhere to dump them off, it's hard, but she's also very lazy, and is constantly complaining about how tired she is. Sex isn't on her radar - iPhone/iPad games, dumb TV shows, and sleeping are more important. If we go out, she makes sure to let me know just how tired she is/how bad her head hurts, so that I don't pester her for sex.
> 
> Before I met my wife, I was in a relationship like Ynot's - sex at least 7 or 8 times a weekend. Wife and I haven't had sex that many times total since at least 2010. I'm starting to think my wife's ex divorced her due to her not wanting sex, and refusing to do anything about it.


I would say this description is more than norm than any description on here. Maybe more like 4 times a year, but the rest fits.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Four times a year when one SO desires more and gets turned down a lot will most definitely start a long term problem. Starting with the typical resentment, then manifesting in other areas.

Once the rejected SO starts complaining to a friend or even in a forum, the die is cast. That is a particular marital problem they can't seem to solve and like ANY issue will start a relationship erosion in some manner.

A drip of water in a stone will eventually cause a hole, crack, or if any freezing temperatures also occur, will crack it outright into pieces.

Sex isn't the only component in a good M but is an important part. I mean really.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Steelman said:


> I would say this description is more than norm than any description on here. Maybe more like 4 times a year, but the rest fits.


Agree - what I hear from my friends is that they rarely have sex. My one friend has been married almost 25 years (they're both late 40's with three kids, college age down to middle school), and he makes it sound like they haven't had sex in years. 

We also have friends who moved due to the husband getting a job near his home town. My wife told his wife that since she had to move for his job, he should reward her by giving her a one-year pass from having sex. Pretty sad when not having to have sex with your spouse is considered a "reward".


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

badsanta said:


> So what you have a linoleum floor in your bathroom or is it one of those fancy finished/polished concrete floors?


I haven't seen tile/grout floors in new houses in over 30 years!!! I just went through our local Street of Dreams homes, and all of them had some kind of textile floor. Mostly in rolled form with no visible seams, sometimes in strip form like plank wood floors, except they're synthetics. There are bathroom-rated products by Pergo or, what I prefer because of low out-gassing, Marmoleum.

The house in which I am currently living has rolled products in the bathrooms. Some look like marble, some look like burled wood, none have visible seams. Not my house, I'm staying with a girlfriend, it's in a snobby upscale neighborhood. Valued at $800k, it's the low-end of the neighborhood, with an average cost of $1.2 million. Having visited neighbor homes, I can say safely that I have not seen tile floors in any of them. The neighborhood was built between 1982 and 1988.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Freetown said:


> My wife and I often have discussions about me being to eager and to focused on sex and intimacy. If you would ask me I'd like to have sex everyday. We now have sex approx once a week, same position and finished in 5 minutes, but it doens t keep me satisfied for a couple of days. I d love to kiss my wife, to be more intimate, be more passionate. I've read people have less sex now, because there is much more entertainment. They watch Netflix and then fall asleep. I would personnaly prefer to switch off Netflix to have sex.
> 
> I don't think I m a sex addict, but I do like it. However, I m not sure how "average" I am.
> 
> My question now is: what do you consider an average sex life for a 10y married couple, in quantity and quality? Do people have more sex when they are on holidays, during spring and summer? Does an average couple have sex before going to work? Do they send erotic messages during the day? Does the wife take initiative? What about foreplay? ...


Personally, I would develop a lot of stress if my husband was unable to make love to me on several days per week. Sometimes more than once a day. I just like sex and I think it should be there when i need it. Else why have a husband. I do not want to get it from someone else. I think minimum 5 times a week is right. 
I also do not understand why any woman would allow their husband to starve. Surely it is easier for women than for men, to just be there for him. Why marry someone then punish him for that long? This is someone I could be with for 50 plus years. I do not want my husband to ever think he cannot get sex at home. 

But that is just how I see it. I was brought up to believe in a happy home and providing for each other's needs. I am not saying I am right. I am saying I am right for my situation.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Frankly, at the ten year mark our sex life sucked. Typical crap, both of us career building, one five year old child, and we had just reconciled after an affair and revenge affair. A few friends and I compared notes and we were shocked to find that we had all settled down into a once a week or every other week. It improved gradually over the years UNTIL.....

About seven years ago, I just had it. We had the big house, I was plateauing on a long-term weight loss, and our youngest was about to move. We just sat down and wondered what life was going to look like in ten years. Most of our friends were either divorced or leading lives of quiet desperation, hoping that things would get better. I basically said that if a world of meh was awaiting us, I was not interested. I wanted more. So did she. We decided that instead of turning away from one another, we would turn toward one another. I was losing my lifetime of fat, going from 330 down to now 195 and continuing. She switched jobs to one she absolutely loves. We ditched the 3000 SqFt mausoleum and bought a funky little townhouse that we can lock up on the weekends and just go. We got back into being boyfriend and girlfriend. We decided to stop being so damn serious, and enjoy the hell out of each other. So, at almost 64, we make love every other day. We instituted our happy hour, where we either sit on the deck or in the "cave", have drinks and just talk for an hour or so, no phones, no TV, no computers. Just talk. We learned that we are happier in each other's company than anywhere else. That is the catalyst for some very mind blowing sex. 

I say that we are in a perfect storm; we are in great physical shape. She is a knockout at 64. Her hormones are gone, and we crave each other more now than when we were first married. We even stopped behaving ourselves in front of the kids, we touch and hold hands. Life is interesting. It is noon on a Friday today. I am locking up the office in five minutes. I am going to slow rotisserie a chicken or two, pour some wine, roll a joint, and sit outside with my lady. Upstairs later after we have enjoyed the bounty of the day.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Taxman said:


> Frankly, at the ten year mark our sex life sucked. Typical crap, both of us career building, one five year old child, and we had just reconciled after an affair and revenge affair. A few friends and I compared notes and we were shocked to find that we had all settled down into a once a week or every other week. It improved gradually over the years UNTIL.....
> 
> About seven years ago, I just had it. We had the big house, I was plateauing on a long-term weight loss, and our youngest was about to move. We just sat down and wondered what life was going to look like in ten years. Most of our friends were either divorced or leading lives of quiet desperation, hoping that things would get better. I basically said that if a world of meh was awaiting us, I was not interested. I wanted more. So did she. We decided that instead of turning away from one another, we would turn toward one another. I was losing my lifetime of fat, going from 330 down to now 195 and continuing. She switched jobs to one she absolutely loves. We ditched the 3000 SqFt mausoleum and bought a funky little townhouse that we can lock up on the weekends and just go. We got back into being boyfriend and girlfriend. We decided to stop being so damn serious, and enjoy the hell out of each other. So, at almost 64, we make love every other day. We instituted our happy hour, where we either sit on the deck or in the "cave", have drinks and just talk for an hour or so, no phones, no TV, no computers. Just talk. We learned that we are happier in each other's company than anywhere else. That is the catalyst for some very mind blowing sex.
> 
> I say that we are in a perfect storm; we are in great physical shape. She is a knockout at 64. Her hormones are gone, and we crave each other more now than when we were first married. We even stopped behaving ourselves in front of the kids, we touch and hold hands. Life is interesting. It is noon on a Friday today. I am locking up the office in five minutes. I am going to slow rotisserie a chicken or two, pour some wine, roll a joint, and sit outside with my lady. Upstairs later after we have enjoyed the bounty of the day.


Its actually kind of fun grossing out the kids.

But theres a purpose as well. In later years, they will remember your behavior and they will know flirting, romance and intimacy need not end at middle age. Childish as it may sound, life should never stop being _fun_.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> I was married to an almost a sexual man for 2 decades. I know this pain very well. But let's get honest… sexless with holding women far outnumber sexless withholding men. They just do.
> 
> And honestly, most men who starve their wives try to fly under the radar because they know it's not the norm. It only seems to be women who will defend with their dying breath their refusal to meet their partner's needs. I just don't have much respect at all for a woman who will not have sex with her husband but is happy to remain married to him and reap all the benefits of the marriage for her. It's just plain selfish, I don't care how many socks he leaves in the floor.


It's not just defending their right to meet their partner's needs, it's broadcasting the fact that they're doing so. Earlier this year, about a month after the wife and I last had sex, we went out to a nice dinner and met friends out afterward. A friend stayed with the kids and stayed overnight (she came from out of town - our kids love her). When we got back, wife went to see the friend (she was in the guest room), and the friend mentioned that we should go in the bedroom, shut the door, and get started. Wife's reaction (which she actually relayed to me) - "Hell, no! I'm going to bed". Wife came in to inform me of this, and seemed proud that she did so.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Being boyfriend and girlfriend is something I learned from my wife's grandparents. Interesting situation. She (my MIL's mom) was widowed in her thirties. He died from the flu. This was a few years before Salk invented penicillin. She raised two children during the depression. She obtained a beautician's license, and she eventually opened a bridal shop. (My daughter will be wearing one of her veils-the incredible one grandma made for our wedding forty years ago.) She married her second husband, one of the best men ever when the kids were grown. They always acted like boyfriend and girlfriend. They held hands when they walked. He grabbed her when the spirit moved him, and it did often. He would get a playful slap, and a hug. It, at the least impressed me. They were in their 80's and acted this way. My MIL told me that they were still "active". I would never have doubted it for a second. He was a sweet man (a candy maker by profession, knew how to make real butterscotch-and smoked the stinkiest stogies known to mankind-would never take a cuban from me-Dutch Masters or White Owl-guaranteed to scorch your tongue). When he passed, she grieved for a very long time. She lived a lot longer, and waited patiently to join both. Lesson learned. They gave us something to shoot for.


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