# Recently found out husband has been sexting with men throughout our entire relationship



## kl123123 (May 25, 2021)

Just for clarification I am female. I recently found out my husband of 5 months has been sexting with men for years, throughout the entirety of our dating relationship and our marriage. He has several emails, as well as accounts on websites similar to Craigslist where he posted ads looking to Skype with men, and not only that but he sent nude pictures of me and us to these people without my permission or knowledge. I am heartbroken and so disappointed. We are a pretty young couple so getting married so early was a little scary for me. Just to be clear my issue is not with the fact it was men, it’s that he cheated. It’s been about 3 days since I found out and everything just seems bleak. I won’t let him touch me or have sex with me for now so he’s getting angry about that. Overall he has been very remorseful and regretful about what he did but doesn’t seem to want to take steps to change. I told him he needs to go to therapy either with me or on his own but he is resistant, saying it could damage his military career. I feel so stupid for getting myself in this situation and I’m unsure how to get past this or take steps to trust him again. I’m sorry that this is long but I don’t have many people in my life I can tell this to without scarring his reputation.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Oh geez, I'm so sorry that you're here, but glad too that you found us. There are a bunch of really great people here with loads of advice to help you through this. 

My only advice is this: I would highly recommend therapy, both for you as a couple and individually. This is something that will help you both a bunch, and even if your marriage doesn't survive, it will help him gain clarity and you to gain some insight as well. How does he think that therapy will damage his military career?

The long and short of it: he lied to you for years, he's broken your trust in more ways than one, and he has zero right be get angry at you for wanting to be left alone (no touching, no sex). How did you find out about all of this? How old are you guys? I'm sorry that everything seems bleak right now. Stick around, and I'm sure that a few more folks will chime in with a lot more advice.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I find it hard to advise you to do anything but end this new marriage. He has been cheating on you throughout, he had sent nude photos of you to others which in the UK is against the law, he has been sexting with men, and now he is complaining that you won't have sex with him??? 
He is also probably gay. 
Sadly I doubt he will stop, he doesn't seem remorseful and cares more about what others will think of him than he does of you. 

I think you will regret it if you stay and is this the father you want for your children? 
I really don't think therapy will help, he just hasn't got any moral values or intention to be faithful.




Get some legal advise and get that divorce started.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@kl123123 I am so sorry that you are here.

Firstly, get yourself tested for STDs as you cannot trust that he hasn't had some form of sexual contact with anyone else.

You should seek legal advice to protect yourself regarding your photographs that he sent to other people, also check on the laws regarding annulment and divorce in your jurisdiction. 

Your husband is concerned about how this might damage his military career? What a pity he never thought of that before.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your husband is who he is. That will very likely never change. You’ll either have to accept that’s how your married life is going to be — always wondering who he’s hooking up with — or you’ll get out (the sooner the better).


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

do you mean "sexting with men" as he's into men? if that's the case I would advise you to end the relationship because if he's into men that means that most likely he already had sexual experiences with men, and in the long run he might leave you for a man in the future when you already had given all of your youth.

in the other hand if what you mean by "sexting with men" is that they share sexually explicit pictures of their women, then you are being abused, disrespected, and taking advantage by the one person you should trust the most. He might want to share you physically in the future; who knows what, but you should be weary of your spouse. He has not respect for you or your privacy. i would proceed with caution. Go ahead with the expectation that you might have to end this relationship sooner rather than later.


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## kl123123 (May 25, 2021)

Ursula said:


> Oh geez, I'm so sorry that you're here, but glad too that you found us. There are a bunch of really great people here with loads of advice to help you through this.
> 
> My only advice is this: I would highly recommend therapy, both for you as a couple and individually. This is something that will help you both a bunch, and even if your marriage doesn't survive, it will help him gain clarity and you to gain some insight as well. How does he think that therapy will damage his military career?
> 
> The long and short of it: he lied to you for years, he's broken your trust in more ways than one, and he has zero right be get angry at you for wanting to be left alone (no touching, no sex). How did you find out about all of this? How old are you guys? I'm sorry that everything seems bleak right now. Stick around, and I'm sure that a few more folks will chime in with a lot more advice.


Hi there and thank you for the thoughtful response. I noticed a text in his phone that was a confirmation number for a dating account, got curious and kept looking.. I know a lot of people think that’s wrong. I don’t have an excuse. We are 21&24 and just moved several states away on military orders. And as for the career, I think that if he were to try and rank up it wouldn’t look good on his record. I can’t 100% confirm or deny this though. Thanks again for being so welcoming and I’ll be looking out for other responses.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You don’t have to be sorry for seeing something weird and looking. Your husband is a gay cheater. Very simple. The solution is also simple. Divorce him. Don’t analyze it, just go see an attorney, tell them your story, and let them get you out of this. And you are crazy if you let him touch you again. STD’s are rife.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

A gay military man eh? That is not here nor there really. What is important is you say he is remorseful. Saying it doesn't make it true. He cheated since the beginning of your two knowing each other. File for divorce. Get STD tested and good riddance!

Be thankful you didn't have children with this cheater! You dodged a bullet by finding this out 5 months into the marriage and at your age. 

Don't let your dumb heart fool you into staying. Use your head!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You can’t fix a serial cheater. Especially of this type. Get out now and save yourself.

He’ll never stop !!!!


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I’d say given the circumstances you could and probably should get an annulment. So sorry... that’s so awful of him.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

He’s been doing more than just texting.

Time for STD tests.

Get out now or regret it forever.

Sorry. 😕


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

kl123123 said:


> I found out and everything just seems bleak. I won’t let him touch me or have sex with me for now so he’s getting angry about that. Overall he has been very remorseful and regretful about what he did


Read what you wrote -- he gets ANGRY because you won't have sex with him THREE DAYS after finding out he's been cheating for your entire marriage, yet "he have been very remorseful" --- NO HE IS NOT remorseful AT ALL. He wants to rug sweep this whole thing, you just forget about it, and everything back to normal -- let's go have sex.
ABSOLUTE BS -- he is trying to manipulate you with the "remorseful" crap --- he is not.
I would also contact a lawyer about him sending nudes of you to others... Forget him military career, he may have a career in JAIL.


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## kl123123 (May 25, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Read what you wrote -- he gets ANGRY because you won't have sex with him THREE DAYS after finding out he's been cheating for your entire marriage, yet "he have been very remorseful" --- NO HE IS NOT remorseful AT ALL. He wants to rug sweep this whole thing, you just forget about it, and everything back to normal -- let's go have sex.
> ABSOLUTE BS -- he is trying to manipulate you with the "remorseful" crap --- he is not.
> I would also contact a lawyer about him sending nudes of you to others... Forget him military career, he may have a career in JAIL.


Thanks for replying, I feel like you put it really well. He’s definitely trying to get back to normal, but I don’t think I’ll be feeling that way anytime soon. Im thinking about leaving though it would be messy for me. Especially explaining everything to my family (who had their doubts to begin with).


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## kl123123 (May 25, 2021)

Just adding: I have been looking into annulment but it’s a little fuzzy since we have moved from the state we got married in. We also have a joint account and since having moved I haven’t been hired yet. Unfortunately, I lack a lot of independence here and family support. Not to mention he is dead set on staying together. My brain is telling me to get out, that none of this will change, but I’m nervous about being stuck here with him while going through the motions. If anyone has any advice in this area I would seriously appreciate it. And a big thank-you to everyone who has left advice.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

First, see a lawyer (or two!) to find out if annulment is a possibility, and what the future would hold if you D.
I would think in a D he would be paying you for a bit -- and you can always MOVE back home to where you have your support system. You know, you are ALLOWED to make mistakes (life is full of them) -- just make sure you learn from this. Hopefully your family/parents don't give you too much of "I told you so", but this "marriage" really just doesn't seem like it has any sort of future from what you've written here. Very sorry for what you are going through...


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You have no reason for feeling like you failed. This is ALL on him. He was never honest. He lied to you since the beginning. There is no shame in the truth. This man is a terrible person. You married a cheater!

Tell your family and everyone the truth. You did nothing wrong. 

See a lawyer. Get tested for STDs. Sleep separately and tell him you are going to start sleeping in separate rooms because you are very hurt and you don't think you can forgive him that quickly. You need time.

Use this separated while living together time to see a lawyer and talk to your family that you need help ending this sham of a marriage. Get your ducks in a row. Don't have sex with this jerk! If he gets difficult or nasty, call the police.

Your marriage is a lie!


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

it doesn't really matter if it is men or women, it's the fact that what he is doing not respecting you! This man is abusive. You are young please just go back to your family for support. You will never and I mean never be able to just trust him after this. It wasn't just an affair but he seems to have a need for exhibitionism. This type of behaviour gets addictive. The online man stuff from what I have heard is usually more than just connecting online. Please don't try and save this, you are worth more than what your husband is giving you. I'm very open-minded but him sharing your images with others is also in my country against the law and just beyond wrong. 

Don't try counseling, please walk away.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Military marriages have an extremely high infidelity rate.

Marriages between people who are under 25 have a much higher than average rate of failure.

He's at LEAST bisexual, possibly homosexual, he's a serial cheater, and I guarantee you he only feels "remorse" and "guilt" because he got caught, not because of what he did.

Also, if he's worried therapy will impact his military career he knows damn well being gay would. Let's be real. We know military culture isn't exactly gay and mental health help friendly. It's illegal to discriminate against a gay servicemember. It's also against policy to allow seeking mental health help to impact career. Yet, because promotions are so competitive, it's easy to pass over the gay guy or the guy who went to therapy without anyone ever being able to prove that was why. So, I wouldn't be surprised if he's married to you at least partially to help cover up his sexuality. So now you know why he's so desperate to keep you. If you leave and even a rumor of you leaving over him cheating with men surfaces, he's screwed and knows it.

On top of all of the above, he also sent your nudes to other people without your permission and now they're out there, maybe even on some lame ass internet porn site.

Seek legal advice, get whatever assistance you're entitled to as a military spouse, and go back home to start over. If you're smart and have a bit of steel in you you could also tell him this "You lied to and betrayed me. You owe me. I will leave quietly and never tell anyone here I left because you were sexting men. You will give me an amicable and fair divorce. If you make a fuss I will tell everyone you or I have ever met I'm leaving because you were sexting men."


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Go see an attorney, or two or three. Unless your attorney tells you otherwise, you very likely don't have to be living together, or perhaps even in the same state, in order to get divorced. You two are young, no children, don't own a home and it doesn't sound like you have a career you're vested in yet, which means there's probably no downside to moving home _right now_. So, start packing your stuff and go home as soon as your attorney says you can do so without ramifications in the divorce. Finalize the divorce as quickly as possible and then just get on with your life as a single young adult. Finish your education, if you haven't, and find a good job. Move into adulthood without this albatross around your neck. 

Your husband is a serial cheater, probably at least bi-sexual, and has been pimping you out (digitally via your photographs). This is _a lifestyle_ for him. One he has and continues to _choose_. He will not change and he will not stop. If anything, this sort of behavior tends to escalate. Don't have sex with him, and get STD tested and get on the phone to at least one attorney for a consultation _immediately_.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

sounds like he is bisexual.
You can get him to counseling, but getting him "to change" is probably not in the cards, its who he is.
what you CAN get him to do is to realize that he is in a monogamous relationship now, and although he is bisexual, that he will ONLY perform heterosexual acts from now on. and specifically with you only. 
there are plenty of gay and lesbian people out there who have heterosexual marriages, and CHOOSE to not have gay sex anymore.

So you need the passwords to all of his email sites, and any web sites he belongs to (grinder, silverdaddies, whatever), and his phone. He needs to get this out of his system.

Otherwise, the marriage is probably over. the other option, which does not sound like your cup of tea, is to have MFM threesomes.

And his publishing nudes of you online, ugh....that is so despicable.


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## GooGooCluster (Mar 17, 2021)

kl123123 said:


> Thanks for replying, I feel like you put it really well. He’s definitely trying to get back to normal, but I don’t think I’ll be feeling that way anytime soon. Im thinking about leaving though it would be messy for me. Especially explaining everything to my family (who had their doubts to begin with).


My oldest is 23. If this had happened to her I would want her to come home. Explain things in your own time. If your parents are decent they’ll let you move at your own pace. Start taking $$ out of the joint account. Don’t let him guilt you into having sex either.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

kl123123 said:


> Just adding: I have been looking into annulment but it’s a little fuzzy since we have moved from the state we got married in. We also have a joint account and since having moved I haven’t been hired yet. Unfortunately, I lack a lot of independence here and family support. Not to mention he is dead set on staying together. My brain is telling me to get out, that none of this will change, but I’m nervous about being stuck here with him while going through the motions. If anyone has any advice in this area I would seriously appreciate it. And a big thank-you to everyone who has left advice.


Well HE can be dead set on staying together, but that doesn't mean YOU have to.

Get out of this ASAP


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

kl123123 said:


> Just adding: I have been looking into annulment but it’s a little fuzzy since we have moved from the state we got married in. We also have a joint account and since having moved I haven’t been hired yet. Unfortunately, I lack a lot of independence here and family support. Not to mention he is dead set on staying together. My brain is telling me to get out, that none of this will change, but I’m nervous about being stuck here with him while going through the motions. If anyone has any advice in this area I would seriously appreciate it. And a big thank-you to everyone who has left advice.


He has shown you who he is and it is time you put on your big girl panties and leave him. Go see a lawyer to see what your options are. Yiu can always leave him and go home. time away from him will give you clarity. It does not matter that he does not want to end the marriage, it is NOT his choice, that is yours. If he is gay, he needs the cover. You are young and can start over again. Do not stay with this man, in fact run. He has lied and lied and probably cheated. Is he gay or sharing nude photos, either way, you run. Do not ruin your life.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

kl123123 said:


> Just adding: I have been looking into annulment but it’s a little fuzzy since we have moved from the state we got married in. We also have a joint account and since having moved I haven’t been hired yet. Unfortunately, I lack a lot of independence here and family support. Not to mention he is dead set on staying together. My brain is telling me to get out, that none of this will change, but I’m nervous about being stuck here with him while going through the motions. If anyone has any advice in this area I would seriously appreciate it. And a big thank-you to everyone who has left advice.


You don't need to be stuck there, and going through the motions with him, in fact, I wouldn't advise that at all. Do you have a trusted friend that you can stay with? A neighbour? Are you a member of your local church, and can talk to someone there? Perhaps they can help to arrange somewhere that you can stay for a little while. Do you have a local women's shelter that you can go to for support? Anywhere you can go to help you while you get on your feet is what you're looking for. I read that you don't have a job in your new city yet, which is something that you will need to help you get on your feet as well. 

Your brain is telling you the right thing, you do need to get out of this marriage and the house. And seeing that he's dead set on staying together, I would seriously advise some space between you.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I agree she has to leave, but she needs to know her legal rights first. He could accuse her of abandoning the marital home. You just can't trust a deceitful man like this one. They can do in house separation first. If he gets nasty, she can call the cops. A police report will get her leverage in the divorce if he refuses to help her out monetarily or doesn't give her an amicable divorce. You have so much power OP. You are simply in shock and rightfully hurt. A gay guy in the military is a huge risk for him. He pushes limits and doesn't care to bring an innocent spouse in his risky business. He is not a safe partner. His true colors tell you that he will not change and only get worse. He used you! That is very clear.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> I agree she has to leave, but she needs to know her legal rights first. He could accuse her of abandoning the marital home. You just can't trust a deceitful man like this one. They can do in house separation first. If he gets nasty, she can call the cops. A police report will get her leverage in the divorce if he refuses to help her out monetarily or doesn't give her an amicable divorce. You have so much power OP. You are simply in shock and rightfully hurt. A gay guy in the military is a huge risk for him. He pushes limits and doesn't care to bring an innocent spouse in his risky business. *He is not a safe partner.* His true colors tell you that he will not change and only get worse. He used you! That is very clear.


Yes, seeking legal counsel should be one of the top things on the priority list, and getting ducks in a row, financially. The reason that I suggested her getting out of the house is because he's dead set on staying together, and is getting angry over the fact that OP won't let him touch her or have sex with her. That's not good. And @Bibi1031, you said it yourself, he's not a safe partner. 

My steps if in this situation:
1. call a lawyer (or 2 or 3 of them) for a consultation
2. take care of my financials (take his name off my credit cards, make sure I have some $$$ squirreled away, put all of my confidential documents in a safe place, along with anything that meant the world to me)
3. Call a trusted friend/neighbour/my family to see if I could stay with them. Take any pets along.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Your issue is just that he cheated?

Don't care that it was with men???


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I'm sorry this happened to you. BTW: there was nothing you could have said or done to change his behavior.

In addition to being a cheater, at a minimum he has a very strong interest in guys. And to continue to pursue his interests after recently marrying you is evidence that he can't be faithful to you. IMO you guys are still in the honey moon phase and should be totally into each other.

You guys are newly weds, you're very young, and there's no kids to consider so his behavior IMO is likely a deal killer. 

Why? because you deserve a life partner that is 100% into you (and he clearly is not).

Could he white knuckle it and not date men anymore? Maybe - but he's high risk and why would you waste your youth on a cheater. In addition, among other things cheaters (in the contact of a relationship) are: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lack empathy for their spouse - this is 'who' you married. 

Since you are financially dependent on him and have no friends or support system, you need to develop a plan that gives you time to become financially independent so you can exit the relationship. 

Among other things,

do not get pregnant, and consider
informing him that your immediate reaction is to divorce but you will give him a few months to prove he deserves a second chance. This gives you time to prepare your exit.

In the interim, consistent with your stated inclination to divorce:


no sex,
transfer half of the money in your joint bank account into your name,
start looking for a job locally as well as in another state (so you can leave),
talk to an attorney. The first hour is often free. Among other things, find out if you have to live together for a year in order to divorce .... or can the marriage be annulled.


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## Twodecades (Apr 4, 2021)

OP, he isn't a safe partner for you. As much as I believe in the commitment of marriage and respect military service, your health and safety are a priority over repairing the marriage or what your WH wants or needs. Is there anyone you trust who will give you a roof over your head while you secure a job and a car? Re: jobs, try looking at temp agencies (like Kelly Services), either where you are or if you move back home, in order to start building up an emergency fund. Start a separate checking account (there are free ones online) and keep it hidden from him for the time being.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

It actually is a big deal that he's gay(or bi)...

And it does rise to a higher level of foul that he not only was unfaithful, but he deliberately deceived you with regard to his sexual proclivity.....That is very serious and I know someone personally that went through this and it was a nightmare far worse than just infidelity,.,,,

If you don't have kids, count your blessings and move on from this mess...If you don't it won't ever get better and you will have wasted the best years of your life...


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Making a decision to leave is always going to be difficult.

How did you see your future life when you got married? What did you want from married life?

How much of this does your husband deliver and how much have his actions actually gone totally against what you dreamt of?

If you stay, how much of what you dreamt of will your husband deliver in the future?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Military marriages have an extremely high infidelity rate.
> 
> Marriages between people who are under 25 have a much higher than average rate of failure.
> 
> ...


Uhh…

OP — do this, but over the phone. As in after you’ve already packed, left, and gone back home.

And on speaker. With witnesses.

And if legal in both states, record the conversation.

Agree with all the rest.


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