# How soon will I get over pain of divorce/ separation?



## vinjas88 (Nov 1, 2018)

We've been married for almost 7 years, and have 2 little kids. I'm 30 and my husband is 36. Our marriage have been up and down for all those years since my husband is a gambler. it ruins our marriage eventually. We've been in separation for 3 months and this is the third time. I haven't talked to him since he moved out, and he didn't support my kids either, we live paycheck to paycheck now. I need to start filing divorce paperwork ( I will do it on my own to save money), but I can't. It hurts me so bad whenever I think about it, so I'm kinda ignoring/ delaying it for now. I keep asking myself why my husband did it, why I and my kids have to suffer it. Every night I cry and grieve for our marriage. I gain so much weight and suffer terrible hair loss due to depression. I try to do many different activities to forget my pain, but nothing can help me at night. From your experience, when will I get over this pain? I'm just so tired


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

First, please get with your medical Dr. about possible meds to help you with your depression, at least short term.

VERY sorry you are dealing with this, but you need to do what is best for you and your children.
You need to get with a lawyer so that your husband HAS to give you child support -- you should start there and also make sure your finances are understood and squared away (so that if HE incurs more debt, you won't be liable for it).

Again, sorry you are here. MANY folks here can help you -- they've been there, done that.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's hard, but you will be ok in the long run.

No one can tell you how long you will be in pain over the end of your marriage and problems caused by your husband. But what I can tell you is that if you move forward with your life, a day will come when it no longer hurts. It could be a few weeks from now or a few months, but that time will come.

Moving forward is the key. Concentrait ony ourself and your children. And work on building a support system of family. If you can, you mght also benefit from getting some counseling at this time.

Take a look at the link in my siganture block for the 180. That's how you need to interact with him from here on out. It's a way to protect yourself emotionally. If you do that, you will fall out of love with him. Once you have done that, you will be well on your road to recovery.

You say that you have no one to talk to, but in your other post you say that your family supports you. Is there one person in your family who you can confide in?


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You'll need to get THROUGH it first, before you can get OVER it, so don't try fighting with yourself over how you believe you should be feeling. Your husband is an addict and sadly, you cant help him. But, you can keep him from destroying you and your family, which is what you will be doing, so kudos to you. This is no way to live. You are so young and you have everything to look forward to.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> First, please get with your medical Dr. about possible meds to help you with your depression, at least short term.
> 
> VERY sorry you are dealing with this, but you need to do what is best for you and your children.
> You need to get with a lawyer so that your husband HAS to give you child support -- you should start there and also make sure your finances are understood and squared away (so that if HE incurs more debt, you won't be liable for it).
> ...


you should do this. but most drs. are 'pill doctors' and do not have time to deal with your emotional issues.

so if possible join a bereavement group in your area. there is strength in numbers and much consolation
in being with others going through the same or similar thing.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Whenever you ask yourself "why" just remember that he is a gambler and has ruined your finances for years. Drug addiction is in the same class as gambling and alcoholism, so he needs to get himself to a 12 step group to overcome it and stay on the wagon. You can't do that for him.

Also, remind yourself that financial infidelity is just as bad as committing adultery with a person. 

He has been unfaithful to you...with your marital money.


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Recovery is an individual thing. As long as you are hoping for a miracle recovery--futile, false--you will not improve. See your doctor. See a lawyer about child support. Lean on your supporting families. You did not cause this, he did. There are divorce recovery groups, grief groups, etc., in many churches and open to all....


----------



## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

What helped me move on was the little things to make life different. Rearranging furniture. Packing up his stuff. New sheets and comforter [amazing how much this actually helped] etc. 

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> you should do this. but most drs. are 'pill doctors' and do not have time to deal with your emotional issues.
> 
> so if possible join a bereavement group in your area. there is strength in numbers and much consolation
> in being with others going through the same or similar thing.


Al-anon would be a good one to join... I don't know if there is an equivalent program for GA, or if Al-anon encompasses all of those support groups... either way, most of the guidelines would be the same for breaking codependence and enabling.


----------



## vinjas88 (Nov 1, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's hard, but you will be ok in the long run.
> 
> No one can tell you how long you will be in pain over the end of your marriage and problems caused by your husband. But what I can tell you is that if you move forward with your life, a day will come when it no longer hurts. It could be a few weeks from now or a few months, but that time will come.
> 
> ...


Thanks EleGirl. the link doesn't work. We're living with our sisters now, and I take my kids to visit my in laws everyweek. But I think because of my ego, I can't share with them how difficult I'm going through now.


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

They know their son. If they care for you, your pride is a costly barrier. Think of your future and your children. This is not your fault.

What is the 180?

The 180 is for YOU. It’s not to win back your cheater, but to make you strong--getting on with your life without regard to what the cheater is doing. Don’t try to speak truth to stupid, do this instead. Take care of yourself.

This is a concept developed by Michelle Weiner-Davis of “Divorce Busters.” The 180:

1. Do not beg, reason, chase, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.


----------



## vinjas88 (Nov 1, 2018)

sunsetmist said:


> They know their son. If they care for you, your pride is a costly barrier. Think of your future and your children. This is not your fault.
> 
> What is the 180?
> 
> ...


I've been following most of these suggestions that's why I'm so down at night, I can't hold my feeling when I'm alone at night. Here are my situations that I need advice from you guys

1. I've blocked my husband on my phone since he moved out. I'm scared of talking to him, I'm afraid I will fall in his trap again if I talk to him. I know I still love him, and I'm blind in love. Should I talk to him before filing paperwork?

2. I take my kids to my parents in law every weekend, and normally leave them there for half a day. I know my parents in law and my kids facetime him every week because my son told me ( my husband moved to different town). I'm fine with that, he is still my kids' father, but it makes my son miss him so bad. My son is 4 years old, I always tell him that his father is working. Whenever I discipline my son, he cries and says" where is my daddy? I need my daddy pick me up?" It breaks my heart, what should I do?


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

vinjas88 said:


> We've been married for almost 7 years, and have 2 little kids. I'm 30 and my husband is 36. Our marriage have been up and down for all those years since my husband is a gambler. it ruins our marriage eventually. We've been in separation for 3 months and this is the third time. I haven't talked to him since he moved out, and he didn't support my kids either, we live paycheck to paycheck now. I need to start filing divorce paperwork ( I will do it on my own to save money), but I can't. It hurts me so bad whenever I think about it, so I'm kinda ignoring/ delaying it for now. I keep asking myself why my husband did it, why I and my kids have to suffer it. Every night I cry and grieve for our marriage. I gain so much weight and suffer terrible hair loss due to depression. I try to do many different activities to forget my pain, but nothing can help me at night. From your experience, when will I get over this pain? I'm just so tired


Please remember that living with a spouse with any sort of addiction has an effect on the whole family. It is likely you are suffering from the neglect, stress of keeping things together and with co-dependence because you have spent much of your marriage covering for him, etc.
I would suggest you get support, there is a Gamblers Anonymous so there should be a support base for families such as Al Anon.
Then go and get yourself a health check, ask a doctor to give you a healthy eating plan, take up some exercise regime, it will help you be healthy for the road ahead.
If your H refuses to get help, then you have to divorce him, living on a roller coaster like this is going to destroy your completely. I know as I am married to a RAH. I have been in a pit with his addiction. 
YOu have to arm yourself with knowledge about his addiction and its impacts on you and your children. Remember you cannot change him, only yourself. Take your life back and work on bettering yourself. Do you have a job or any income? You may need to think about working and asking him to move out. Talk to a lawyer first.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

vinjas88 said:


> I've been following most of these suggestions that's why I'm so down at night, I can't hold my feeling when I'm alone at night. Here are my situations that I need advice from you guys
> 
> 1. I've blocked my husband on my phone since he moved out. I'm scared of talking to him, I'm afraid I will fall in his trap again if I talk to him. I know I still love him, and I'm blind in love. Should I talk to him before filing paperwork? It is perfectly normal to still love him and to believe all his empty promises, been on that rollercoaster before. Please do not be taken in by his sweet words and promises. He will make all sorts of promises which he will not keep. There should be no reconciliation until he is going to GA
> 
> ...


----------

