# Dont know where to start



## YesIcan23 (Sep 28, 2011)

I need advice on how to begin the separation process. I am a 48 year old woman, married for 15 years. We have 3 children together ages, 14,12 and 8. 

I won't go into all of the details but basically we fell in love were freinds and dated a long time before we got married but it is become clear over the past few years we are not meant to be together. Our core values over the raising of the kids, husband-wife roles, and the huge one MONEY and the lack of it seems to be whittling away any sort of caring and decency toward each other. My husband drinks everyday - a few beers typically. We have big money problems as in debt/ cash flow problems and we are always fighting about the bills: I am responsible to pay them but he does not want to communicate when he spends money, I have a full time job and I make more money than he does and he says he has no "control". My husband yells at me and the kids and when I have said I have enough he tells me to "leave him". But he wont take any action.. 


I told him recently I was unhappy with my job and he told me, I better start looking for another job.. I am the bread winner.. REALLY???? 

I cant handle the stress, frustration or lonliness this marriage holds.

Anyway, I've had about all I can take of the emotional and mental put-downs and need to get out. I don't know what my first steps should be. He wont leave- tells me "to do what I need to do" 

I do not have any family I can take the kids and leave to. I feel so stuck and its this stuck feeling that has kept me here for a while now.

I just need a plan and some help on how to think this through. I don't know if we are getting a divorce but, I do believe a separation is in order. We both need to figure out what we need to do. Please advise - I'm grateful for any comments. Thanks.


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

You and the kids should stay there. He should leave. period.


----------



## YesIcan23 (Sep 28, 2011)

He wont leave I have asked him multiple times


----------



## Outshined (Sep 28, 2011)

Have you tried counseling yet? My wife and I went through major financial issues for nearly 3 out of the 4 years of our marriage and ended up filing bankruptcy. It's extremely stressful and you put it correctly in that it constantly breaks down your "caring and sense of decency". Especially when you're arguing over it day in and day out. It naturally creates a huge barrier between the two of you.

I would say, considering that finances are your primary conflict, that you both need a break from that. You both need to get time away from that pressure and repetition and focus on the basics. You're both obviously unhappy, and for good reason. Finances drives a major wedge between people. But what if that was removed? What if you had the money to go on dates or vacations and just relax and enjoy each other?

My point is, even if you can't solve the finance problems, I think for better or for worse, you both need to sit down and have a talk and at least agree on the problems and what is making both of you unhappy. I've been through it...it was sad looking back at emails between my wife and I...the majority of them were simply figuring out our finances week to week.

When you talk, put bankruptcy on the table. If it means it would save your marriage, why not? I can attest that my wife and I were throttled with bills, easily qualified for bankruptcy and did it fairly quickly. We have other issues in our relationship, but having money to spend again relieves a lot of problems and actually allows you to enjoy life again. He wouldn't have to hide purchases or defend them if you both had extra $$ set aside each week to spend on whatever you want, you know?

Part of the problem with finances is that you feel trapped and have a loss of independence. You can't just go buy something, or go out to eat, or do a mini-vacation. You start to hate your job because the money you make isn't going to you...it's going to all your creditors with no end in sight.

Seriously, if finances are what driving the division between you two, I think that would be the best place to start. Good luck and God bless!!


----------



## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Google victim mentality. That is what he has along with depression. He expects you to leave. He wont. Why should he. You have enabled him to live off your efforts and put up with his self pity. Hes got it good. He wants it to be your fault so he wont leave and take responsibility. Hence the victim mentality suggestion.


----------

