# Crushed



## Beezer (Oct 29, 2015)

Where to start?

I have been with my wife for twenty eight years now. We were High School sweetheart and have been together since the age of 16 years old.

We have built a wonderful life together and had twin boys 17 years ago. Growing up my father had had an A. on my mother when I was very young and from that age I always swore I would never grow up to be like him and I would never let myself endure what my mother went through.

My wife has always known the damage this did to me at a young age and how I was placed in the middle of it all and that would be the one thing I could not recover from.

I grew up with her and over the years had grown closer to her parents than my very own. About four years ago her mother past away from a very quick unseen illness and my wife began to shut down. No matter how I tried to console her she never wanted to talk about anything and began to withdraw from me both physically and emotionally.

I felt she needed her own space to deal with the grieving process in her own way as we all have are own coping mechanisms that differ from person to person.

As the years went by she never seemed to come out of this loss nor did she come around to me. Last year her herself fell deathly ill with an illness of her own that went undetected. A bleeding stomach ulcer that had bore a hole in a major artery that caused her to bleed out internally. Several times losing 3 quarters of her blood supply and causing her to code once. This illness went on for a major part of last year causing her to be hospitalize out of town from where we live. Many nights I lie awake trying to sleep in our car in the hospital parking lot in fear of travelling home an hour away and getting a phone call that she does not have much longer. You only get one shot at goodbye in this life.

In the end they were finally able to operate and control the bleed however she would be on medication for this the rest of her life. Any form of stress, caffeine, and or alcohol could flare up her ulcer and cause more damage again.

I was the luckiest man alive to have my beautiful wife back, so I thought.

She has a male co-worker that is married and who is 12 years older than her whom I've always suspected to have an eye on her and whom I always thought she was attracted to but she always claimed they were just friends.

One day about eight moths after her surgery i stumble upon her cell phone and was able to recover text messages between the two of them. These text message were indeed very sexual with others revealing she had emotions for him. 

I confronted her with these to which she could no longer deny and admitted to having an emotion A. with him over the past four years since her mothers death. He had lost his father a couple years prior and from what I could see used this as a way in during her time of weakness.

She admitted to showing him naked pictures of herself and for having kissed him a handful of times but nothing any further than that on a physical level even though they had talked about doing things in the texts I read nothing in the texts to make me believe any different.

She promised to end it right away and go to MC with me and to seek another employment as it would be too hard for me to deal with the working situation.

Since that day she remains at her job however I do know from an inside source that the two of them have not been seen together since that final day. Raised a lot of questions in the workplace at first but now seems everyday routine.

She seems likes she wants to forget it ever happened and have life go back to normal and struggles supporting me in my efforts to put myself back together. Did I mention he is twelve years older than I... bye bye self esteem!

I know she feels horrible for what she did and the guilt is over whelming and has cause her ulcer to flare up full force. So I am stuck with finding my way back by my self and back to her if I want her to be Okay as the stress can actually cause her to begin to bleed out once more.

I love my wife dearly and have always treated her like a queen and want nothing more than to have this work but its hard when its your life that was shattered and your the one that has to suck it up and get over it if you. Its hard not to be able to ask her for emotional support when it just brings up her guilt and makes her deathly ill.

For those wondering I never confronted his wife to let her know even though I wanted to as I feared she would come back on my wife and indeed would have every right to. But having gone through this as a child our children have no idea of what transpired nor do they have any clue of the struggles over these past months.

A mother is a special thing to a child and I would never tarnish their image of her.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Could the stress of hiding the affair have made her ulcer worse....I would tell the other man that, and then expose to his wife. I would also threaten to expose him to his employer....


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

@Beezer, you need to come to terms w/ a couple of things...

1) If she's been involved w/ this guy over the course of the past FOUR YEARS then there's absolutely no way that they haven't had sex. She's lying.

2) If they're still working together, they're still involved w/ each other. Again, she's lying.

Sorry.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I love my wife dearly


Don't. At least not anymore.

She definitely had sex with him and probably still does, albeit less frequently.

Betrayal is real and it can seldom be overcome. You could make a towering list of excuses for your wife's betrayal and it would still be a simple betrayal. Nothing is going to fix this.

I would start making plans for a clean divorce. Life is too short to hang onto such hurtful things only for them to repeat or manifest in the future. Your wife didn't, doesn't and won't love you enough. She already proved it. Why don't you believe it?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

A four year affair involves sex. It involves careful planning, deceit, lies, manipulation, betrayal, stealing, probably money, certainly time from your life, marriage and kids. A four year affair is not a little hiccup in life, it's a new life plan. It's not a matter of what you decide to do, or if you can forgive her, she has made the decision already, you are not her life, he is. You are her security blanket, what she's use to, but emotionally she is gone, she now focuses her love and passion on another man.

If you are OK with sharing your wife and getting the short straw in the deal continue on as it is, but the reality is you may be married on paper, but your marriage no longer exists.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Career woman here, 57 years old, & 35 years married (first marriage for both of us). Your wife had an affair. She shared naked pictures & talked intimate sex talks. A married woman would not share naked pictures, especially if he is a co-worker and they haven't had sex. She has an ulcer and has accelerated due to additional stress of her infidelity. My parents passed away only two weeks apart and my devastation did not cause me to cheat. The cheating is all on her.

Do not rugsweep this affair. Expose this affair to the Other Man's wife. This affair might not be over. She did not tell you about this affair. You found out on your own. 

You need to see a psychologist to set your mind in the right direction and build your self-esteem. You've mentioned that the Other Man is twelve years older than you are and this has affected your self-esteem. I can't recommend that you see a marriage counselor, unless you are absolutely sure that the affair is over.

You might need to see an attorney to protect your rights. Sorry that you are here.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Beezer,

*She admitted to showing him naked pictures of herself and for having kissed him a handful of times*

Kissing is a physical affair, kissing being more intimate that oral or intercourse in many ways.

Waywards always minimize kissing means oral sex at a minimum, a handful of times means it has been going on for a year minimum.

Hire a PI to find out what is going on, never reveal what you know until you have your evidence. 

When my W was involved with an 80 something year old dude I think my W thought of him as a platonic father figure or as his daughter or something. In fact he was a aged player who became more subtle with time.

Tamat


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Beezer said:


> About four years ago her mother past away from a very quick unseen illness and my wife began to shut down. No matter how I tried to console her she never wanted to talk about anything and began to withdraw from me both physically and emotionally.





Beezer said:


> I confronted her with these to which she could no longer deny and admitted to having an emotion A. with him over the past four years since her mothers death.


 The fact that she “began to withdraw” from you “both physically and emotionally” 4 years ago, and her affair beginning 4 years ago is not a coincidence. It is a common pattern of what cheaters do when they transfer their loyalty and affection to their new lover. She was having her emotional and physical needs met by her affair partner, and no longer needed what you had to offer. 



Beezer said:


> She admitted to showing him naked pictures of herself and for having kissed him a handful of times but nothing any further than that on a physical level even though they had talked about doing things in the texts I read nothing in the texts to make me believe any different.


 She has been lying to you and cheating on you for 4 years, and has only admitted to the bare minimum after you confronted her with your evidence. As a proven liar, why would you believe her now that it was only kissing when logic tells you that it was more? If you read other threads in the infidelity section of this site, you will see just how common it is for cheaters to lie and minimize the full extent of their physical relationship when they are first caught. They would have you believe the unbelievable, as if they were kids still in high school that only kissed even though they were nude photo exchanging lovers for 4 years. They insult your intelligence in asking you to believe this, knowing that you may believe it because you want to believe it. Accepting the full extent of her cheating would just be too horrible to accept if you could find a way not to have to.



Beezer said:


> She promised to end it right away and go to MC with me and to seek another employment as it would be too hard for me to deal with the working situation.
> 
> Since that day she remains at her job however I do know from an inside source that the two of them have not been seen together since that final day.


 She made you a false promise that she would seek other employment until things cooled down. If she were serious about ending it and showing you remorse, she would have changed jobs. As for you claiming that you “know from an inside source that the two of them have not been seen together since that final day”, I cannot tell you just how often other betrayed spouses have post similar false assurances to only later learn that they were wrong. The truth is if she is still there, you have no real way of knowing anything for sure. 



Beezer said:


> She seems likes she wants to forget it ever happened and have life go back to normal


 She does want you to forget about it and for things to go back to normal, but unfortunately after 4 years of being in an affair, normal for her is having her lover in her life meeting her “emotional and physical needs” instead of you. She is not going to give this lover up without a fight, and so you have not made her have to.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Beezer said:


> She admitted to showing him naked pictures of herself and for having kissed him a handful of times but nothing any further than that on a physical level even though they had talked about doing things in the texts I read nothing in the texts to make me believe any different.


I've been married nearly fifteen years, but you know, bar a birth certificate, there's no documentary evidence my wife and I have ever slept together. Sure, there might be exchanges of a sexual nature. We might talk about what we'd like to do to each other. Because we BOTH KNOW we've had sex. We don't need to record it for prosperity or for anyone else to see. 

And if I want to tell how much I enjoyed last night, I'll whisper it in her ear over coffee.

Please. You need to wake up. I'm very sorry.


> A mother is a special thing to a child and I would never tarnish their image of her.


It's not you who's had the affair. She clearly didn't think enough of her own image to not have an affair.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are trying to justify or make an excuse for this. 

Look at the facts. You found out she wasn't about to tell you.

Sorry for her health issues but it doesn't change the facts any. She's a cheating liar.

Until you both can own up to what's really happened you'll just live as you've done in the past.

No sex??? Not a chance. This went on for years and they still work together? Cmon this is ludicrous.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Enough with the ulcer. 
She's no longer emotionally fragile. 
She's fine.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Breezed, you seriously need to wake up and smell the coffee, you are being hoodwinked, and your only falling yourself, but sadly you won't get it until dday2. Until then get used to the rug sweeping.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Breezer, this will help

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My dad died 3 years ago, and my pain didn't cause me to cheat either. I turned to my husband for comfort. That excuse is BS.

It's also BS that they've not had sex OP, c'mon...4 years?? There's really easy way to know when your wife is lying to you - her lips are moving.

You need to expose the OM to his wife, and expose both him and your wife to their employer. File OP. Don't let your wife treat you like this.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

azteca1986 said:


> I've been married nearly fifteen years, but you know, bar a birth certificate, there's no documentary evidence my wife and I have ever slept together.


 This is a great point. The OP has as much documentary evidence as he is reasonably ever going to have that shows that they had sex, yet the cheater has the OP questioning if they had sex. It is amazing to me how cheaters expect their spouses to believe only what the cheater admits to have done, as if they as the cheater are the keepers of the truth, and how the cheated upon spouse usually goes along with this con.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

It saddens me to keep reading betrayed husbands post their stories which are so similar. The majority are so timid, fearful, and naive. To entertain for a minute that she wasn't having sex after 4 years is ludicrous. They are just laying low until you rug sweep and go back to head in sand mode. 

If you're looking to R, not that I would recommend in very long term affairs like your situation, you need to make some strong bold moves.
1. you need to expose to other betrayed wife.
2. you need to file a complain at HR.
3. she needs to quit that job yesterday.
4. you need full access to phone, email, social media.
5. work hard on improving yourself. (gym, clothes,hairstyle, hygiene, ETC)

Exposing to other betrayed will keep POS busy appeasing his wife and will cause him to throw your wife under the bus to protect himself from his wife's fury. That like a bucket of cold water to WWs who believe their OM is their soulmate. Also exposing at work will further cause POS to further deny your wife and bring some needed shame to your wife. 

Speaking of shame, exposed to anyone that's important and influential in her life. Do not shield her from consequences. Don't tell your sons but if they find out, don't make up lies to protect her. Your boys need to see a strong father or they'll end up being weak husbands who have wives that will do the same.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

She withdrew to grieve, but she never came back to you because she gave herself to her lover and left you without an involved, supportive partner.

The married other man got it all, and she chose that for you, and has done everything she can to maintain that status quo right up to this moment.

Dont run from the truth,
Face it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

TRy said:


> This is a great point. The OP has as much documentary evidence as he is reasonably ever going to have that shows that they had sex, yet the cheater has the OP questioning if they had sex. It is amazing to me how cheaters expect their spouses to believe only what the cheater admits to have done, as if they as the cheater are the keepers of the truth, *and how the cheated upon spouse usually goes along with this con*.


Easily explained, I think. A good poster on here uses the term "traitorous" to describe the cheater. I think it's apt because cheaters take our trust, our goodwill, the fact that you really, really want to believe your spouse, that they're not capable of deliberately inflicting this pain upon you - they use all that inside knowledge, the fact of being your closest confidante for 24 years and more and turn it against you.

So, despite the fact she's been lying to his face every day for the last four years (by hiding an illicit relationship), Breezer wants to believe that now she's actually telling the truth. 

*It's time for the lies to stop.
* @breezer, you need to make clear that, as truly horrific though her betrayal may be, it's the continued lies and the further insults to your intelligence that will kill your love for her for good. So tell her to start with the truth. Tell she won't be "protecting you" as she might claim. She's really protecting you from knowing the sordid details of her double life.

Some of the others have outlined some of the steps you will need to take. For now, admit you don't have the truth. Get it. And go from there.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

There's no doubt that he doesn't have the truth. The reason the sex dried up and became a trickle, is she wanted to be faithful to her man. What's sickening about WWs is that the sex they engage in is so wanton and very frequent. The husband gets a trickle of very vanilla unfeeling sex, the POS gets the works and it's grabbed at EVERY opportunity. Most common a quick BJ in car at lunch. 

I explained what he needed to do to try to salvage this but to be honest, this is not something he should want to save. The amount devious treachery involved in deceiving not only the husband but her kids as well for 4 years is mind boggling. 

These WWs are not only missing physically, many times they are missing emotionally. I'm sure OP's gut must have been wondering for a very long time and just chalked it up to depression from her loss and then her ailment. Here he was faithful hubby waiting out a probably a nearly sexless marriage while the whole time she was sticking a knife in his back.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Sounds like your wife knows right from wrong in the sense that she allowed the EA only to be that. I am guessing she is the one that stopped this from being more so that is positive. It is very possible that after so many years of marriage it was nice to have this attention, someone that was interested in her. Possibly she received the support she needed from this man? I have been with my husband for 26 years so I can understand this part of it....my husband does his thing and has not shown much interest in me for years. 

My husband has had 3 EA and I understand how difficult it is to deal with these situations, especially if you think they are still in contact. I read that it takes the spouse 2 years to emotionally recover from an affair their spouse had and I can tell you it is so.

My suggestion is that you speak to your wife and find out if this has truly ended, ask to see her cell phone. Let her know that if she wants to be with this man that she does not have to feel any obligation to stay in the marriage, if her heart isn't with you it's not a marriage. I would also suggest marriage counseling so the to of you can find out why she chose to have the EA.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Another one post wonder?

This may not be what he wants to hear.

He is hoping her level of feelings still matches his and she will come around.

He does not realize the the "love" chemicals in the brain that the other man elicites in her are heightened by several magnitudes of order over what she feels when she is with him.

He cant compete with that.

She is addicted to her affair partner by this "affair crack" and he is running a poor second to him.
@breezer unless you take strong action here you will never distinguish yourself.

If you dont even if she stays with you, her heart and her thoughts will always be with him.

It sucks, I am so sorry.

Take care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

@breezer,
Dont give up hope.
I know your confidence has taken a hit, but there are things you can do to turn the tables.

Man up and act while it can still make a difference.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She used the death of a loved one as an umbrella to hide her affair and limit her relationship with you.

The only reason she hasn't left you for him is he only wanted a mistress and keep HIS family intact.

Rain hell on his world and take your earn the respect you desreve. Also, tell her family what she's done.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> *She used the death of a loved one as an umbrella to hide her affair and limit her relationship with you.*
> 
> The *only reason she hasn't left you for him is he only wanted a mistress and keep HIS family intact.*
> 
> Rain hell on his world and take your earn the respect you deserve. Also, tell her family what she's done.


That's what makes this WW's action so low down. We on this board hear so many betrayals that we quickly see right through the bull and give quick but insightful battle plans that can intimidate BHs who hope against all rationality that their situation is different. 

I know that when OP reads our responses and advise his heart will drop because his gut knows it's true but his mind wants to believe his wife's lies so he doesn't have to make the hard choice of destroying his family and starting over. The truth is that his marriage and family were already torn asunder by his wife's 4 year affair.

She would have left OP if POS was looking to wreck his own family but husbands don't usually do that. They just want a side piece. That's what your wife destroyed her family for. To be a man's free prostitute. He paid for her sexual services with platitudes that meant more to her than husband & sons.


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