# Am I the only woman like this?



## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I know that I have a few issues.

When hubs and I started reconciling I plainly laid them on the table. I told him, I need times where the two of us mentally connect. I need to have that mental connection and stimulation. I would rather sit on the couches facing each other all night just talking about anything and everything than spend 24/7 nose to nose drooling all over each other. I need to be able to just have a conversation with him without it being a molest fest. (I explained it in a more toned down, calm understanding method ) I also told him that when I am talking about something and he blatently talks over me, or gropes me it makes me feel like his object and insignificant.

Hubs is a physical person. He needs physical touch and affection to justify my feelings towards him. I REALLY tried on this. I have really put effort into knowing and tending to that. walking up behind him and grabbing his hand, randomly hugging him, consistently reminding him I love him, supporting his efforts and ideas, snuggling on the couch, randomly initiating sex (which is big for him) I also do things like make sure to make a dinner when he comes over, make sure to have wine or something for him to drink, come up with a movie to watch or something for us to do anyhow. call and text just to remind him I love him before I sleep..anyways, I really try. And it's not labor to me, by try I mean I keep his needs in mind.

It's been rough, Im not going to lie. But I have made it a point to make sure my needs are on the table, and he is aware of them and that I am aware of them, because I WILL forget everything about myself, and kill my self trying to be what he wants. Since separation I have come a long way personally, and have a real personality and opinions, actually take care of myself, and have been working on my irrational fears and anxieties. It is important to me that he loves me, not me filling a role to make him happy.

We've had talks about this, he accepts, seems to get it, and has come a ways in his own too. I suggested MC which he refused bc he wants "us" to learn our biblical "jobs" as husband and wife and doesn't think learning how to communicate with eachother will help, we just need to believe in god, and behave accordingly and it'll last forever. (he gets fanatical about things, it's cute because he gets so passionate about it, but sometimes completely counter productive to anything)

The other night/day, was one of those days where I needed small amounts of physical space. I am not a pda person, I don't like having my boobs grabbed randomly in public, and I do get slightly overwhelmed and crowed and anxious when I am bustling around doing something, focused on it, and have hands put on me, wrapped around me, or get tugged on out of nowhere.

without carrying on too much, Later that night we were watching a movie, one of my favorites, and he was barely there mentally, distant, and doing his best to casually grope me. I gave every reason why I would ask him not to, asked him not to, (the main reason being we weren't able to have sex so foreplay is not "fun" for me) and instead of understanding he got angry, and sat there texting his dad a play by play of what a ***** I am, waited until I left the room to smoke, and then had his dad come get him.

His reasoning is that I don't give him any affection ever and maybe we could have talked it out if I had said "I was wrong, I am sorry" Well of course things turned into a big fight.

Am I insane? Is my neurotic tendancies and anxieties so out of control that I'm that intolerable and insensitive? And is it really that out of line for me to expect that my needs be met too? Or at the very least, considered? I spent the day in a good happy playful mood, and had all my advances rejected, but as soon as my attention to him was directed at something else (making him dinner for example) I could not get him off me, and was then scolded and given the silent treatment for asking him to not do said actions.

I think I am more upset that he was giving a play by play to daddy, and then sneakingly had daddy come save him, when between the two of us adults, we could have resolved his resentment and my discomfort by discussing it.

Am I the only woman who needs some mental connection, to be heard, responded to, and made to feel like a person? Is it ridiculous to ask that you not be fondled and groped when sex cannot happen because someone gave me a yeast infection (him, being the someone)? :scratchhead:

I just want enough credibility as a person to feel like I am a person to him, not just his toy.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

You're not alone.
j


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

How old is he clucas? You have every right to set your personal boundaries
Sounds like he insecure when he does this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm going to be blunt here. I think this is a mismatch that will be impossible to overcome unless he seeks counseling to grow up (he sounds 12). I have ptsd which means to ME personal space is HUGE. I've had three rounds of therapy love sex, love physical attention, love my husband and yet it would still piss me off if he randomly groped me like that. I will never be anyones 'toy'.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

you can look at it in a negative way such as I'm never going to be someones toy. (whatever that means)

or you can be thankfull your husband thinks your sexy and has a strong desire for you. (for you not a toy)

I'm not saying not to have boundries but when a situation like this happens jokingly say not right now or you will be talking with a high pitched voice and walking funny for a day or two.


and then promise to rock his world at a later date. word of warning if you go this route make sure not to forget and make good on your promise of rocking his world.

when you do want to have meaningfull conversation is whats meaningfull to him the same as to you? 

maybe get one of thoese conversation starter booKs so you guys can talk about various subjects that you both might find stimulating.


when your old and grey you will wish he had all this desrie for you.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> you can look at it in a negative way such as I'm never going to be someones toy. (whatever that means)
> 
> or you can be thankfull your husband thinks your sexy and has a strong desire for you. (for you not a toy)
> 
> ...


I go every which way about it. I don't just get angry and clam up or go into ***** mode. 

I do enjoy that he finds me attractive. But if I am mid sentence, and he just idly starts groping me, that's not being attracted to me, its "shut up already." I work hard to maintain a level of appeal, and am proud that I've started taking much better care of myself, and that in itself, is not acknowledged, ever. 

And the reaction I get, is stone walling, or force. he's either going to persist until I give up, or like he did, find a way to completely leave. Because "I'm so ridiculous."

I think I just needed to make sure I wasn't getting extra full of myself. I attempt to make it a point to understand both sides and not fill myself with justification for everything I do, even when I am left staring in disbelief at what is being spewed at me.

Ultimately, there is no working it out unless he suddenly actually wanted to fix the issues. I don't need a book to find interesting topics, I need my husband and I to be able to communicate and clearly, until dad isn't there to save him, he doesn't want to. There isn't a method I haven't tried except MC. 

Like I said to him, it seems like he wants me exactly how he wants me, not exactly how I am, and unless I want to play pretend..there's really not much else to try.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

CLucas976 said:


> I go every which way about it. I don't just get angry and clam up or go into ***** mode.
> 
> I do enjoy that he finds me attractive. But if I am mid sentence, and he just idly starts groping me, that's not being attracted to me, its "shut up already." I work hard to maintain a level of appeal, and am proud that I've started taking much better care of myself, and that in itself, is not acknowledged, ever.
> 
> ...


well then theres your answer kick him to the curb!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi CLucas ~

Went through a similar 'groping' stage with my husband early on in our marriage (married over 22 years now).

The issue for me with the groping was the disrespect involved in it. After verbalizing it so many times that I began to wonder whether he had hearing problems or comprehension problems, I finally realized that he had other problems at that time - he was selfish and immature and hadn't really been ready for what marriage entailed. It hadn't worked its way into his brain that having a good marriaged involved WORK and COMPROMISE on both our parts.

We did end up making it work out, though. But that issue along with a myriad of others had me going out the door, just like you have. The difference is that in the year after that, my H DID do a lot of soul-searching and growing up and maturing and changing (and so did I, btw).

I think the key will be his willingness to do that growing and maturing.

And, btw, if he wants a 'biblical' marriage as you mentioned, then maybe he needs to read something like the following and REALLY study and IMPLEMENT what those biblical verses mean:

The Bible & The Husband's responsibility to his Wife!

Best wishes.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

how old are you and how long have you been married? Honestly the fact that he had to get his dad to "rescue" him is just crazy! sounds like he hasent broken the bond with mommy and daddy and thats a scarry thing, trust me im dealing with a wife atm who cant pick which color of socks should wear without her parents input.

how often does he want sex and how often do the two of you have sex? basically are his "needs" being met? getting shot down physically for him is just as frustrating for him as it is for you when he ignores you emotionally. I think one of the best things you can do is share your feelings, i get sooooo frustrated at my wife because she constantly assumes i know what shes thinking, how she feels and i should know exactly what to do to fix any problems....guess what, i have NO CLUE whats going on in her head! Be blunt with him, guys arent to bright sometimes so tell him exactly what you need and are feeling. 

also, if you expect a hour of emotional time you better return the favor with a hour of physical time. if you want the emotional time first and hes getting grabbing, tell him talk to me for a hour then we can go upstairs and get physical, i think he will work with you if he knows hes getting sex. if for some reason you cant get physical that night give him a rain check for another time, or offer him something "special" the next time and most importantly hold good on your offer. its like training a dog, if you want a dog to do a certain trick or action you have them do it and when they do you give them a treat. you need to teach you husband that emotional time now is rewarded with physical time later.

however dont do like my wife does, my wife learned early on that she could get out of sex and still get the emotional attention she wanted by simply offering rain checks for physical time, it worked great for awhile until she stopped allowing me to cash in the rain checks and i became bitter and resentful, now neither of us are getting what we want.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You aren't the only one who feels this way. In fact that's sort of what started my marriage on a downward spiral. My estranged husband behaved a lot like that. He took out a loan for $400K to buy another business after I told him it was a bad idea. That night he wanted to do nothing but grope and be physical. The timing just hit me wrong. At that point I felt like nothing more than a piece of meat--and I told him so.

So now it's really not such a bad deal being alone.


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

Personally I'm physical, so I don't mind being groped. My husband is less physical than me, so I'm the one who's had to moderate myself, while he's made efforts to meet me halfway. 

However, I'm also intellectual, so I'd hate not having a mind connection with my husband - it's important to me that we can discuss things of an intellectual nature. Sometimes I get frustrated because he doesn't always hear - he is deaf in one ear and hasn't done anything about it (he doesn't refuse, he just puts it off). So he talks and doesn't hear my answers. Another issue is that he's very bright himself, but I'm the first intellectual woman he's been close to, I don't think he's used to his life companion giving as good as she gets, intellectually! So for both of us - physically and intellectually - it's a learning curve. He's learning give-and-take physically and intellectually, and I'm learning to moderate my very strong appetite for both intellectual and physical connection. Every day we learn a little more. 

At the moment we are undergoing a forced separation by circumstances, and I would like to be able to keep up a normal level of intellectual connection on Skype, but he only wants to talk about practical stuff. He says he's more in practical mode at the moment. I guess I just have to accept it for now - after all he does have a lot on his mind, and mostly of a practical nature - but I'm hoping his mind will turn to intellectual things again once he's sorted out the practical issues. 

So I get you on the mental connection, although I'm also very physical and love hugs and touching and sensual connection and lots of sex. 

What I don't get is your husband texting and calling his Dad. How old is he? 19? It makes no sense to me. Your father-in-law should have no say in your personal life, and if your husband chooses to share some aspects of your relationship with his parents, it should always be with respect for you. 

You can probably find a middle ground between you on the intellectual/physical issues, but you need to put your foot down that it has to be worked out between the two of you and no direct involvement from family, friends, etc. If he feels the need to bring in a third party, then suggest MC.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Toshiba2020 said:


> how old are you and how long have you been married? Honestly the fact that he had to get his dad to "rescue" him is just crazy! sounds like he hasent broken the bond with mommy and daddy and thats a scarry thing, trust me im dealing with a wife atm who cant pick which color of socks should wear without her parents input.
> 
> *he's late 20's I'm mid 20's. Been together since I was 18, and may will be our third wedding anniversary. You're right, there is a huge bond between him and his parents. It proves to be an issue in their childrens relationships because the parents (out of good intent) step in and fix things. Like instead of letting us struggle or deal with our situations, they'd buy a car for us if one was down, or give him money while he was unemployed which is nice by all means its lovely, except it kills the need to do it ourselves and hinders being able to grow up and be responsible. Part of it too, is that he clams up, shuts down, and avoids any scenario where there is conflicting views projects, directs blame, when like I said to him, it wasn't a matter of right or wrong, it was a misunderstanding between the both of us.*
> 
> ...


Ultimately his reactions and behavior lead me to feel like I'm being punished in a way. I get a long text about how I never loved him, or how he loves me and I just push him away. It happens every time there's a disagreement of any sort or any time something bothers him. I got a phone call from someone of the male gender (who is particularly annoying and I rejected the call) and after a happy smiley lovey goodbye, I got 4 texts 5 minutes down the road about how secretive I am, how I'm keeping someone on the back burner, clearly I've cheated on him etc etc etc. 

I've not so much as kissed another person in the last 7years. I have no interest in hoping into the dating scene, and in the one year we've been apart during one of his "hate me" stints I went on one date, that we spent the entire time talking about god, and my marriage. The concluding conversation on that date? He told me that obviously, I love my husband. Gave the guy a hug when he left, and never talked to him again.

It just feels like mind play and manipulation, maybe not with malicious intent. But it feels like what I do is never enough, and when I have needs or need some understanding, its completely unacceptable and I'm supposed to just comply, or he's going to leave.

Sad, because I would love nothing more than to spend my life with the man I married but it seems more like that man never existed in the first place.


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

It is mind play and manipulation - and immaturity. 

Have you had marriage counselling? 

It also seems like he needs some sort of individual therapy if he's ever going to grow up and start relating in an adult, non-manipulative way. This goes way beyond the 'physical-intellectual' issues. These are emotional dysfunctions.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

He won't do marriage counseling, or individual counseling. He strictly states that if I want MC then we are going to go see a pastor and learn how god wants us to be. 

Religion actually started our down fall when I look back. There was way more honesty before religion was brought into our relationship. The night he proposed I was telling him that we either needed to walk the god path, or walk the other path (essentially) because it created such hypocrisy within his behavior.

And I agree. There is only so much I can do to help him, and after years of his parents telling me I was the only one who could help him and that that's what my job as his wife was, I finally realized all I can do is support and love the guy-even if it's from a distance.

I've put the offers on the table, and I am also seeking out my own IC for my own issues. 

despite him placing our reconciliation all on me, the ball has been in his court for some time and if I didn't love the guy like I do, I'd have stuck to my nc guns forever.


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

There are some Christian therapists out there, or some pastors who have psychological-counselling training. If it's important to him, that could be a middle-ground for you two, and for his own therapy? That is, if you want to save your marriage. 


Actually his parents are wrong. You are not his shrink, you are his wife, and his issues are way beyond what a wife can or should deal with. Not only that, his parents are enabling those issues to persist! so the sooner you can get that through to them, so they stop enabling his weakness, the better it will be for all of you.


Religion can bring couples together but it can also push them apart. You need a common set of values - whether they be religious or not - in order to operate as a couple.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

well, maybe for himself. My biggest fear with religion based therapy is that it has been consistently used against me and turned around on me.

Even down to "If you were a good christian wife, I wouldn't be acting like this"

it's messy I guess. That is my main apprehension though, I spent all my time going along with and complying with church/religion and actually following it, (including my attempts to join a womens group, which was disasterous lol) I still hold the values and ideas, I just know what ends up happening with it and want very much to avoid that scenario again.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My husband loves to grab my ass and my boobs. He is also a notorious butt slapper.

I don't mind any of this, because I know my husband is showing me how sexy I am in his eyes. I love my husband's hands on my body. Every woman is different in this respect.

We have an amazing physical relationship which is very cuddly, affectionate and sexual. :smthumbup:

Texting his father to badmouth you was immature and disrespectful.


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

I can't really give you another pov here, because I'm not a Christian at all! It sounds like the cards are stacked against you in that church. But I do know there are some therapists who have a Christian outlook while still having a modern and egalitarian view of women. Perhaps you can find one of those?

But frankly, if you feel there is such a big gap in values between you - as in, he pays lip-service to religious values but doesn't apply them, and you have values that you apply but are not a little woman-type of Christian wife - then perhaps your marriage doesn't have much of a future. Shared values are an important bedrock of marriage.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

compromise with him, say hey we can see a pastor or religious therapy person but i want to also see a non religious therapist as well.


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

Toshiba2020 said:


> compromise with him, say hey we can see a pastor or religious therapy person but i want to also see a non religious therapist as well.


What if they have totally different (and contradictory) therapeutic methods and advice? :scratchhead: Going to two therapists is not like getting 'a second opinion' by a doctor, because a therapeutic relationship implies trust and the willingness to work with the therapist. When there are two therapists working on one couple, it might cause more problems than it solves.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

yeah, it kind of needs to be an open situation, give the man an inch, and he will run 8 miles with it. I can only see both causing contradiction the minute one varies from the other and whichever goes in his favor he's going to take off with it.

He still will say, "I completely understand why you left, I'm surprised you stayed as long as you did" and in the next sentance follow it with "you left me in my time of need, you just up and walked out on me this is your fault, you have to be the one who gives and accepts your place as my wife"

:\


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

He sounds confused. Perhaps that's what he needs to address before you two can reconcile properly.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

That is my thought. While he has become more honest in areas, he still is in a slight fog, still is lost in his own mind, and needs a situation where he isn't being enabled/coddled so he can move himself forward. 

One of our fights was about me still working on planning out my own moves in life, instead of planning for "us" and when my response was we both need to get our own stuff together first (a job in his case, cars, more financial stability etc) I might have well just banged my own face into a wall.

He cripples himself with perceived hardships and then refuses to move or solve his issues, and then find justification for it or blames something/one.

he could do anything in this world he wanted to, too. that's what kills me.


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

Then you must do anything in this world you want to, and see if that inspires him. He's holding you back, and holding back your marriage. You can't fix the marriage without him, but you can follow you own aspirations.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

FrenchFry said:


> There is a difference between feeling desired and feeling objectified though chillymorn.
> 
> Desired is the cute look and nice words that go along with a butt grab. Obejectified is the ass slap that happens when you walk through while the game is on.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Gotta be careful w/ rejecting his attempts to connect. 
Reject him enuf and after a while the husband just stops attempting to initiate sex. The woman won't initiate. Then nobody gets sex. 

TONS of stories like this where the wife assumes that the husband will ALWAYS want sex. That rejection after rejection will never beat him into submission. That after being denied sex over and over that the Husband will not cheat. 

So yeah, get your man to stop pawing at you and next thing you know you don't have sex anymore.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

Oops. Sorry about the last post folks. Didn't realize I ended up in the ladies lounge.


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## LisaForbes (Feb 21, 2012)

Hi CLucas. I didn't realize this thread was from 2010-thought it was from 2011. How are you since you posted? Are you still active on this forum? My first though when reading your husband's reaction to your decline was that he seems to make you responsible for your happiness, and/or he doesn't think he can be happy unless he always gets what he wants.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I'm not sure what is going on with the dates on this thread, but I posted it on monday, which was 3/5/2012 

To "conclude" it I guess, For now things have fallen to a null. 

We hadn't spoken since he left saturday night, and I recieved a text this morning insinuating he was planning on making an appearance at the show I've been dying to go to since december. I'm still going to go, he's not going to ruin my good time. He's also upset that after looking at his page and seeing that he had joined a facebook dating group I blocked him so I can't see things like that. I don't need to see it, I don't need to "hate" him, it is what it is, and I can leave it at that.

he really tried to start an arguement. He even told me that I clearly don't pay enough attention because he's been looking at those types of sites for a while. 

enough. I need to move forward with me, because I am what I have. Kind of sad, but if that's how he thinks he wants it, he can have it, like hell I'm going to sit around playing games trying to stab each other in the heart.


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