# Confused and uncertain



## Rainbowamethyst (May 20, 2018)

Hi all - I'm hoping to get a little advice and experienced thought. A large part of me knows the answer but there is something I maybe fear about taking the step and I'm confused why. I will try explain as best I can and apologise for the length. 

Married 2 years together 4. I am 49 with two grown up boys one living abroad one at uni - brought them up alone after divorce in 98. A couple of relationships prior to my marriage. I'm working, relatively good job, own home and independent. Suffered from anxiety in the past which increased around the time I met Husband due to entering menopause (relevance will become apparent!)

Husband is Romanian - came to UK 2009 - met at work. We did discuss cultural differences at length but he seemed to be happy with the balance ( I earned more and am quite independent). He has 3 children none of whom he sees (all live abroad) one he wont acknowledge (at recent counselling he said he had two children), one adult child who he wont contact as she wont contact him (!) and the other lives with his ex wife whom he wont talk to. He doesn't contact his brothers and his parents died when he was in the UK and he didnt have the funds to return to the funerals. For the first 6 months things were great, though I did have one red flag moment that I chose to ignore when it turned out the lady he was renting a house from he had had an affair with (pre me so none of my business) but it led to a lot of hassle when she found out about us as he was hiding our relationship from her. He ended up being kicked out of the house and to this date I wonder if things were still going on but I chose to trust him.

He moved into my home and once on the council tax bill he started to get debt letters. Again I had discussed finances with him and he assured me he had no debt - not that this was an issue but lying about it was. Again I asked him to be open and honest as this was important to me in a relationship. I had begun to experience an increase in anxiety (as explained) and was very open about this and the fact I was affected and began to get help with this. A year in he proposed and I accepted - things had been positive and though I know I was being anxious which could cause mood issues, I was always honest and he said he understood. Wedding plan went ahead for March 2016 - he got a new job and then was accepted onto his nurse training - something I supported 100%.


In late 2015 it was becoming apparent that my husband wasn't happy - I ket asking him what was wrong - nothing - yet he was distant and little issues kept arising. Pre Xmas he went on his xmas do stopping at the ATM for money and asked me how much he should draw out. Prior to that he had said he was going for the meal and having a couple of drinks so I suggested an amount and thought no more of it. My son was in the car. This kind of behaviour has been a pattern since. Apparently me telling him an amount belittled him in front of my son. Never mind he asked me. (In the same way at my birthday when we were discussing splitting bills with the family, I said do you want me to put it on my card as he had just bought a large item on his. This was apparently belittling - to me I was just being practical and no one else heard him anyway.) 

He came back late that night - ignoring a text saying firstly hope you're having fun and secondly saying I was going to bed. A week later I found a message on his facebook from a work colleague saying thanks for the kiss - he replied he hoped for more. This was the first time I checked his phone in our relationship. I confronted him he said it was a silly post works do thing and nothing else would happen. I found out after we married he went back and slept with her. Not only that but he had a separate phone and having confronted her had fed her full of lies. The reason - I wouldn't talk - bear in mind I kept asking him what was wrong. 

Following the marriage and finding this out things were not good for obvious reasons. I tried to put things behind me and move on but it was like I was expected to do that now. Bearing in mind this revelation also hit my emotional state which was wavering anyway my anxiety increased. This led to a cycle of poor communication and rows because I wanted to talk (which he wanted but clearly didnt) which culminated in a huge row in December 2016 because I had found out he had been on dating sites (just to talk to women). I even confronted him with the evidence and he still denied it.Stupidly the row was in the car, I was driving and he caused the car to leave the road - thankfully no one was hurt but I ended up with a shock reaction and this lead to a serious anxiety issue that I have only just recovered from. 

In the meantime I was expected to deal with a betrayal, lies, finding out more secrets about his past and my own fragile state of emotional well-being. The pattern ever since has been as long as I dont mention anything or try to address the issues he is OK. If I do, he becomes angry and blames me for everything. I know I should have walked a long time ago but I have not been in a fit state to. Now I feel stronger and feel I am able to leave so wanting to do it as an adult, I asked him to come to counselling with me. Two separate sessions and then we had two as a couple - both of which he walked out of when challenged and also when his past was brought up. I won't into that but needless to say there has been a lot of loss and abuse which he refuses to acknowledge.

I feel I have tried to give 100% to a marriage which is a joke but the thing I can't get over is the fact I am being blamed for it all - I almost feel like my reality and his are completely different. I am not perfect and the anxiety I have means I can be a little abrupt and controlling at times but it is never intentional to hurt and I work very hard on my self awareness. I have no idea why I have stuck it so long especially as an intelligent and rational woman who can see what is going on - it's somehow like I want him to acknowledge his behaviour which is not going to happen. He sees everything as me controlling though he blocked me on facebook at the start of the year and has security on his phone and everything else like fort knox, he didnt like the fact we had a shared bank account when I noticed he was spending money like water so that changed but then he will come to me at the end of the month asking for a loan. Its almost like he has behaved badly yet I am the bully, the controller, the one who doesn't try. Regardless of what happens in a relationship, the reaction to problems is not to behave badly but to communicate. I asked him once if he was so happy why did he not leave right at the start but his answer is always I love you - well not like this you don't.

Maybe I just needed to vent - I can see the problems as I read this back and the younger stronger me would have hoofed him out. I have gone through anger and fear, then through trying and now i think I need to let my heart catch up with my had. If anyone has been through similar I would welcome some reassurance that I will be OK. I can't understand why I am still here.


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