# He's Cheating...so now what?



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Tonight my husband said he wanted to go have a drink with the neighbor. No problem. I stayed home with the kids. 3 1/2 hours later I heard them pull up but he didn't come in so I went outside and found him with the neighbor, his wife, and an 18 year old girl at best he has comitted emotional infidelity with at worse....

This is a girl he has texted over 700 times a month and this started when she was 16! She was our babysitter. Back then I told him it hurt me and it wasn't right, she's a kid. He said she's a friend, she texts him but he stopped until a few months ago. As our marriage is falling apart I said we can't put it back together with her in the picture, he agreed to stop all contact. 

So his story is the guy invited him for a drink, his wife decided to join, she brought the girl (they are best friends) and he was not about to get out of the car. He had no idea the girl was coming. 

I said you just went out with a girl you promise no contact with. I am leaving on a trip next week for six days I asked if it would happen again, he said I can't promise if she and the wife join us what am I supposed to not have friends. 

Am I the one wrong here? He got angry with me! I really can't do this, if he's going to have contact with her then I want out. I also have needs, and the need to have my husband remain faithful to me is a huge one. At best I was completely left out, they all used to hang out in front of the house drinking (yeah the girl is under 21 smart huh!) except the friend, the husband usually went to bed early! So how can I not be mad but he told me he doesn't see it that way. 

I had just promised myself today to back off and not talk about our issues or relationship for the next 30 days and then we had this the very same day. I also told myself give it the next month I will be gone for six of those days maybe absence will make the heart grow founder,or maybe absence will me the girl ends up in bed with him??? 

I am starting to wonder that he is too worried about money to make the split and that is the only reason why he is here. At one time I'd mentioned me staying with my parents and he did not say no, but to him leaving he can't do that....he said because he needs his tools etc for the job. 

I worry about the children which I now have the responsibility for about 95% of their care and emotional support. So as the wife I should say, sure go have friends and if the 18 year old girl happens to hop in the car with you its not your fault. Meanwhile he's stopped being interested in sex except once in awhile (ironic despite the fact that after working on mself I look and feel great) he does show me affection, hugging, kissing that kind of thing. Then I cook all the meals, clean up, run the kids to all activities, manage the bills, and the finances for his business and I work just as many hours as he does (and I earn quite a bit more than he does).

I have the need to feel loved, appreciated, desired, and someone who I know is my friend. I'm not sure how long I keep myself in this relationship essentially denying myself of what I could have while he puts in zero effort. He says he's trying but I'm not sure what it is he is doing....

Tonight I am so hurt I think when I get back from the trip insisting that he move out. I think I have grounds to make that happen but he could always refuse to leave. I know I will be primary caretaker of my two kids so I need the house and I don't want to take them out of it. But do I stick with my original plan and force myself to wait the 30 days. I told myself if there was a tiny improvement then I'd give it more time but I think I am absolutely dying inside. I sleep not at all now, maybe 1-2 hours a night, I think about this all the time its interfering with work, I snap at my kids, and in the beginning I'd wanted to lose a few pounds, now weight drops off every day because I can't eat. I got up this morning at 6am and hiked, it felt so good but I nearly collapsed as my legs were shaking so badly and I thought when was the last time I'd eaten? It was about 20 hours ago! 

Advice pleeeezzzz!


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## Mrs. Negestie (Jul 15, 2008)

Drinking makes you do things that you wouldd not normally do sober so for your husband to be hanging out with a attractive teenager while drinking is not a great idea.But you are a women and yes you do have needs that should be meet and if they are not being met you need to put your foot down and make a new step.Your 30-day plan sounds good stick to it and then make a move dont stay around for 180 days because it will only hurt you more leaving.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I know how you feel; I'm right there with you. You need to check with a lawyer before you leave. Make sure you have all of your ducks in a row before exiting. That's hard to do--I know!

That's interesting you're getting "I'm trying" too. That must be a universal guy line! Every time I get that line, I have to ask, "What exactly are you trying to do? Are you trying to finish destroying this marriage? Are you trying to be more descret with your dates?" I' m just sick of it!

At least in your case, you have the money. I could be fighting over alimony for years!

My new counselor has helped me to see one thing though. When a man is having an affair, it makes him feel good. The wife ,on the other hand, is the voice of reality and responsibility. At least this is how it is in my case. In his mind the mistress is good and the wife is bad. Therefore, the counselor told me not to even try reasoning with him. She said it is a complete waste of time and I'm only hurting myself more.

Good luck and keep us posted!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If I were you i would not be stuck on the 30 days thing.

He is cheating with the 18-year-old. You need to protect yourself both financially and physically.

Do not have relations with your husband and get tested for STDs.

Consult with your lawyer as soon as possible.

You need to start using your A game. Presume everything your H says to you is a lie. He is out of control.

Protect yourself and your kids.


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## BlueCreek (May 5, 2008)

This so completely sucks. I thought after yesterday you might be able to make some headway. He may have said 40% of him wants to stay, but what he means is 60% of him likes flirting (or more) with a little girl. You must be so confused. One day he's sending you signals he wants to work on the marriage and telling you not to cancel your date night because he has all these plans, then the next he is hanging out with a girl who he knows you don't want him to be around. Does he really have a plutonic friendship with the girl with no other intentions? I don't know, but frankly, it doesn't matter. It places a ton of emotional stress on you and he should WANT to ensure that doesn't happen. Instead he's ignoring your feelings completely.

And yes, his excuses are complete and utter BS. Oh, what could I do? How could I get out of the car? What, am I just not supposed to have friends? He can be friends with your neighbors and still avoid that girl at the same time, it's not all that hard. And if your neighbors were true friends they wouldn't put either of you in this position. It's his choice to be flattered and turned on by the ex-babysitter and keep that in his life instead of respecting you and your marriage. I feel so terrible for you.

The problem with your 30 day plan right now is that you're going for away for a week, and like you, I have serious doubts your husband will stay physically faithful, even if he has so far. If you go for a week and he has the house to himself (and obviously your neighbors could care less if cheats on you) I have doubts he won't give in.

It may be time to tell him that you have no faith or trust that he intends to keep his wedding vows and you're tired of never being able to sleep and being driven to unhappiness by him. Frankly, I'd tell him that you realize he has no intention of putting forth the same effort into your happiness that you are into his, and that you're done and when you come back from your visit to your mom's you want him to move out. And even if you don't decide to warn him of any such intentions, michzz is right I'm afraid, you should break off all physical contact with him and meet with a lawyer when you get back. Protect yourself and the kids since he obviously has no intention to.

I may be jumping the gun here with this advice, only you can judge the honesty in your husbands intentions, but I've read your efforts on this forum for too long to not be thoroughly disgusted by your husbands near complete lack of interest to meet you half way. You need to be the one in control and stop responding to him and his actions. Do what YOU need to do for yourself and your kids. Make that your priority and defend that. If he wants to salvage your marriage, put it on his shoulders to do so. If he does, then you finally know he wants to be with you, if he doesn't then you know what's really been in his heart.

Once again, from everything I've said in this forum you are a strong and kind woman who has tried so hard to turn things around, but you're not getting even close to that effort back from your husband. One last thing, do not worry about the house and do not move in with your mother. If the unfortunate happens (and I still hold out hope he straightens himself out) and you two can't work this out, you undoubtedly will get custody of the girls and allowed to live in the house while he moves out. He's the one causing this, he'll need to take care of himself.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Thanks, I don't know what else to do and at least I feel I put my all in but I sure don't think I could do this for 6 moths. 



Mrs. Negestie said:


> Drinking makes you do things that you wouldd not normally do sober so for your husband to be hanging out with a attractive teenager while drinking is not a great idea.But you are a women and yes you do have needs that should be meet and if they are not being met you need to put your foot down and make a new step.Your 30-day plan sounds good stick to it and then make a move dont stay around for 180 days because it will only hurt you more leaving.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I agree, I will consult an attorney then ask him to leave. His answer to that question is more "I'm trying to fix what's wrong with me". He does realizes something is going on in his own head but that doesn't help when he does something stupid like this or just kind of acts indifferent. Alimony won't be an issue but I think at this point with him acting like this I should be primary custody and child support will be an issue. I'll need that for them so they don't have to have a lifestyle change (karate, dance, etc.). 

I have a horrible thought (my imagination is now running away but I may not be far off) my neighbors lifestyle...well they have admitted to doing some swinging (yeah they have 3 kids). This is NOT something I'd ever consider and my husband knows it. I didn't think he would either but like I said I don't know him anymore. The 18 year old is very open about being bisexual and my neighbor's husband told me the girls were having a physical relationship. So if he is going out with them (and he knows all this) is it due to maybe wanting to experiment and I'm not a willing partner....Dunno but I think its a real possibility. By the way, neither girl is all that attractive. The young girl is slender built like a boy, very plain face, and zero personality (ok so I'm not objective but she's such a downer) the wife of the neighbor awhile ago my husband described as "weird looking". He doesn't seem to see her that way anymore so I got to thinking....



827Aug said:


> I know how you feel; I'm right there with you. You need to check with a lawyer before you leave. Make sure you have all of your ducks in a row before exiting. That's hard to do--I know!
> 
> That's interesting you're getting "I'm trying" too. That must be a universal guy line! Every time I get that line, I have to ask, "What exactly are you trying to do? Are you trying to finish destroying this marriage? Are you trying to be more descret with your dates?" I' m just sick of it!
> 
> ...


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

You know I started having these thoughts today before I read your post. This is really scary (physically) ...



michzz said:


> If I were you i would not be stuck on the 30 days thing.
> 
> He is cheating with the 18-year-old. You need to protect yourself both financially and physically.
> 
> ...


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Hi Blue,

Yeah it sucks and I am very confused. Is he nuts? I'm beginning to think so. This is an entirely different person, I don't know him anymore and my 10 year old daughter said exactly that. "What's wrong with Daddy, its like he is a different person." She doesn't know any of this but its how he treats them...

I actually do not trust him and think everything he tells me could be lies. But his explanation is that she is just a friend. She texts him about "stupid stuff" and he likes answering her because it reminds him of high school..(Plausible, he turned 41 and his age is bothering him)...she does text him first and he responds. There is no indication of physical contact, but he's not stupid either. This girl is not very communicative never was but now she does not talk to me at all. Isn't that interesting? According to my husband he has not told her or anyone of my suspicions and I've never treated her bad or given her any indication of how pissed I am. Her parents are friends of mine (I'm so close to going to talk to them...I know she's 18 but her father would definately stop this.) He said he enjoys hanging out with Jim (the 18 year old is his wife's best friend. She is 30, that to me is also weird, they have 3 neglected kids) and Jim's wife always brings the girl around. So is it possible its totall platonic, yeah...but of course even that is a problem. 

I know, his excuses are getting ridiculous but like someone else said you cannot reason with him, he's acting nuts. 

While I am gone, he does have to care for my 4 year old son. My son is the informant but that's not hard, just wait until he goes to bed. I wish I were bringing him though I know he'd never let anything happen to him, but just think of this environment...

I'll use this trip as a soul searching...right now I am hurt, scared, sad, lonely but I don't have to be if I begin the process of healing. Its not wise to do anything before hand, after all he could change the locks but when I get back I think it will be time. I actually think he'll fight me only because he's not sure how to support himself (he's not real good with finances) but I think emotionally he won't care. Actually the neighbor will more than likely let him stay there...great no distance!

Thanks for your support, I feel better knowing that I am being reasonable and have tried my best. We are still going out Saturday and I'm going to do my best to not bring anything up...mostly I think I need to see if there is still anything left there for me to want to fight for...





BlueCreek said:


> This so completely sucks. I thought after yesterday you might be able to make some headway. He may have said 40% of him wants to stay, but what he means is 60% of him likes flirting (or more) with a little girl. You must be so confused. One day he's sending you signals he wants to work on the marriage and telling you not to cancel your date night because he has all these plans, then the next he is hanging out with a girl who he knows you don't want him to be around. Does he really have a plutonic friendship with the girl with no other intentions? I don't know, but frankly, it doesn't matter. It places a ton of emotional stress on you and he should WANT to ensure that doesn't happen. Instead he's ignoring your feelings completely.
> 
> And yes, his excuses are complete and utter BS. Oh, what could I do? How could I get out of the car? What, am I just not supposed to have friends? He can be friends with your neighbors and still avoid that girl at the same time, it's not all that hard. And if your neighbors were true friends they wouldn't put either of you in this position. It's his choice to be flattered and turned on by the ex-babysitter and keep that in his life instead of respecting you and your marriage. I feel so terrible for you.
> 
> ...


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Why is an 18 year old going out for drinks?

I would never allow myself to be in such a bad position and it does sound fishy.

draconis


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

draconis said:


> Why is an 18 year old going out for drinks?
> 
> I would never allow myself to be in such a bad position and it does sound fishy.
> 
> draconis



That's the way I feel and I don't think any married man who wants to stay that way would put himself in that position. I'm very confused right now. I can't even say it won't happen again. I did ask him if he thought when she got in the car if I'd be hurt and he said yeah he did think so.


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## bumble (Aug 6, 2008)

This man has already checked out of the marriage. He had the guts to bring that girl onto your property. if it had been my husband a 30 day plan would be the last thing on my mind. If the woma comes onto your property you tell her to leave and mean it. If your husband is not willing to remove this person from his life and is content with disrespecting you in such a horrific way then you have your answer on what to do next. 

I am not trying to be mean,but this is not the time to pout or try to find ways to please him. He has what he wants, you in your place, and this little girl that he has surly manipulated into her place. Don't stand for it for one second start demanding change or leave.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

bumble said:


> This man has already checked out of the marriage. He had the guts to bring that girl onto your property. if it had been my husband a 30 day plan would be the last thing on my mind. If the woma comes onto your property you tell her to leave and mean it. If your husband is not willing to remove this person from his life and is content with disrespecting you in such a horrific way then you have your answer on what to do next.
> 
> I am not trying to be mean,but this is not the time to pout or try to find ways to please him. He has what he wants, you in your place, and this little girl that he has surly manipulated into her place. Don't stand for it for one second start demanding change or leave.



I know you're right! Thanks for the advice.


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