# Is it Spying, Suffocating, or Common Courtesy?



## diogenes72 (Jan 10, 2016)

Should husbands and wives tell each other where they are and with whom?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

It should feel natural to tell your spouse where you are, what you are doing and with whom.

IF it doesn't, you need to ask yourself why not.


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## diogenes72 (Jan 10, 2016)

May I know if you are male or female? Thank you in advance.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You are back...give us an update.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

diogenes72 said:


> May I know if you are male or female? Thank you in advance.


Female; together with my 2nd husband for 7 years, 3 years married.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Yes, it's a common curtesy. Why would you want them to know that stuff?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Male:

Common courtesy.

I didn't always feel that way. I'm very independent, and have a much wider social network than my wife. So for the first couple years of our marriage I really wasn't very good at always informing her where I was going, and with whom. She'd ask where I was going, and I'd half jokingly say "none of your business woman"; and yes, like I said, only half. Sometimes I would, sometimes I wouldn't. She really wasn't asking for much, but I was just stubborn about my feeling of independence.

Then one night she was out late, I hadn't heard from her, and she wasn't responding to texts. I quickly went from calm to an emotional mess when I couldn't reach my baby. When I finally did I was so upset, and she understood, calmed me down, and said her phone just died and she forgot to text from another phone. Needless to say I learned my lesson and I'm so much better now with letting her know when I'm going out, and with whom. Her point was always that it's a safety issue, and she was 100% right.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

It's a common courtesy. I would have a problem if my husband refused to do this.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Woman here, 37 years married (first marriage for the both of us). You should always inform each other where you are going and with whom. This is both for safety issues and also for the health of your marriage. It has worked for us over the years. We are now 59 years old (me) and 61 years old and still are the greatest friends to each other.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Depends on the situation. I don't tell my wife where I am having lunch or with whom during a normal work day. If I'm going to be away from home other than normal work hours I will tell her. If I'm at a conference, I will of course tell here where I am, but I won't specify who I am spending time with over lunch / dinner.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/323625-unreasonable.html#post15220177

You'd get better advice if you gave some honest back story instead of posting the same topic every few months. Your previous threads suggest you are controlling and your wife likely feels suffocated.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

@;


diogenes72 said:


> Should husbands and wives tell each other where they are and with whom?


It's common courtesy, respect for your spouse and your responsibility to your spouse. Once you are married, it's not "all about you".


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

diogenes72 said:


> Should husbands and wives tell each other where they are and with whom?


*And what would even remotely be wrong with that suggestion?*


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> It should feel natural to tell your spouse where you are, what you are doing and with whom.
> 
> IF it doesn't, you need to ask yourself why not.


Um yes. Why would you not? Husband here 13 years.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jaquen said:


> Male:
> 
> Common courtesy.
> 
> I didn't always feel that way. I'm very independent, and have a much wider social network than my wife. So for the first couple years of our marriage I really wasn't very good at always informing her where I was going, and with whom. She'd ask where I was going, and I'd half jokingly say "none of your business woman";


If my wife did that to me more then once I would divorce her on the spot. I'm not kidding. Like that is the most basics of basics of marriage. Like you need flower to make bread basic. Like water basic. 

Any-who.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

sokillme said:


> If my wife did that to me more then once I would divorce her on the spot. I'm not kidding. Like that is the most basics of basics of marriage. Like you need flower to make bread basic. Like water basic.
> 
> Any-who.


Well thankfully we all get to decide what the "basic of basics of marriage" are. I hope your "basics" are working out for you and you have a happy, fulfilling marriage.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jaquen said:


> Well thankfully we all get to decide what the "basic of basics of marriage" are. I hope your "basics" are working out for you and you have a happy, fulfilling marriage.


True.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

sokillme said:


> True.



This forum really helped drive that home with me. Generally I always believed that marriage should be unique to each couple, but this board introduced me to such a huge cross section of people that had very different standards for marriage than we do. There are a lot of "basics" that I did hold true that Tammers have taught me definitely aren't applicable to a lot of marriages, and vice versa.

It's so fascinating, really.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Rarely. It impedes with finding a replacement partner 😎


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I'm not a big check in kinda guy. If I am going to have lunch with a friend I don't declare it. However I also don't hide anything either so if asked where did you have lunch today I just tell her


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jaquen said:


> This forum really helped drive that home with me. Generally I always believed that marriage should be unique to each couple, but this board introduced me to such a huge cross section of people that had very different standards for marriage than we do. There are a lot of "basics" that I did hold true that Tammers have taught me definitely aren't applicable to a lot of marriages, and vice versa.
> 
> It's so fascinating, really.


I am generally one of the more extreme types anyway. I just can't imagine asking my wife where she was going and her saying none of my business. I just couldn't be cool with that. Then add reading these sites for about a year and there is NO WAY.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

sokillme said:


> I am generally one of the more extreme types anyway. I just can't imagine asking my wife where she was going and her saying none of my business. I just couldn't be cool with that. Then add reading these sites for about a year and there is NO WAY.


I can;t see my wife saying "none of your business", outside of a joke because that's just not how she is. But I was always like that, just not one to check in, and not one to want to all the time. I was like that long before we married, so it's not like she went in unawares. It wasn't a deal breaker for her.

But I was totally wrong and glad I got over it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Dug has a Friend Finder (or something like that) app that tracks where I am. I think he put it on my phone, too. Our daughter asked to be put on both of ours.

I love the idea that he can always know where I am. It makes me feel loved and cared about and safe. ❤


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

jld said:


> Dug has a Friend Finder (or something like that) app that tracks where I am. I think he put it on my phone, too. Our daughter asked to be put on both of ours.
> 
> 
> 
> I love the idea that he can always know where I am. It makes me feel loved and cared about and safe. ❤




I love those apps. I wish my husband would use one.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> I love those apps. I wish my husband would use one.


It really is nice. I was not familiar with it before Dug brought it up. And even then, he was the one who installed it for me.

Is your husband very tech savvy? Is he aware of this app?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

We still let each other know where we are going and with who after 35vyears of marriage.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

john117 said:


> Rarely. It impedes with finding a replacement partner 😎


Yes, when looking for a partner, we will bring out the binoculars, reading glasses, magnifying glass, microscope [for STD's], spotting scope, the rule book.

And the Lie detector, the BS detector, the GPS, the VAR, and we bring out the stethoscope and listen intently to our gut.

TAM has made many a reader paranoid....paranormal now the mean, the median.

And when we sit on the pot, when we poop, we cannot stop the giggling refrain: "Dump him!, Dump her"!
And then we slam the chrome handle mumbling: "Good Riddance, Butt-Hole!"


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> TAM has made many a reader paranoid...


Word.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jld said:


> Word.


Huh?

I am further than further lost. Help me out. Up, into the light of a single one hundred-watt bulbage.

Words have meanings, not this one? Misplaced modifier? Misplaced moderator = you?

I did leave out a comma between reader and paranoid!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Huh?
> 
> I am further than further lost. Help me out. Up, into the light of a single one hundred-watt bulbage.
> 
> Words have meanings, not this one? Misplaced modifier? Misplaced moderator = you?


Meaning, Quoted for Truth.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jld said:


> Meaning, Quoted for Truth.


Yes, my truth.

Is it yours, also, in addition, and too true?

Or, "Hell", as in Hell No!

Was it good for you, too?.......


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Yes, my truth.
> 
> Is it yours, also, in addition, and too true?
> 
> ...


Lol

TAM is full of people who have felt great pain. It is natural that they would be fearful of themselves or others feeling that pain.

But that fear can sometimes cross into paranoia.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think every couple will have different comfort levels. My H and I have been married for 34 years and have been on a learning curve with this over the years, esp. with the advent of cell phones, social media, etc.

I would say that for us we don't have to know everything the other is planning or doing, but we won't tolerate secrecy from the other. Building a secret second life isn't healthy or OK. So, setting up some protocols to make sure that privacy isn't slipping into secrecy is a smart thing to do, imo.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

jaquen said:


> Male:
> 
> Common courtesy.
> 
> ...


I can relate to this. I don't think I ever went quite as far as telling him it was none of his business, even jokingly, but I certainly didn't feel any need to explain myself or the minutiae of my day.

And for the most part, he isn't particularly fussed about the details either. He does want to know when I'm planning to be home, and I do try to be considerate enough to let him know, especially if I'm going to be a bit late.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/323625-unreasonable.html#post15220177
> 
> You'd get better advice if you gave some honest back story instead of posting the same topic every few months. Your previous threads suggest you are controlling and your wife likely feels suffocated.


I agree he needs more backstory, but he's controlling...???
Interesting. He only has 14 posts and his wife, according to him, has a ton of freedom, doesn't tell him where she will be, who she is with and doesn't want to meet for a breakfast once a month. It's actually sad watching someone slowly lose their spouse because they ask questions instead of setting boundaries or moving on.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I agree he needs more backstory, but he's controlling...???
> Interesting. He only has 14 posts and his wife, according to him, has a ton of freedom, doesn't tell him where she will be, who she is with and doesn't want to meet for a breakfast once a month. It's actually sad watching someone slowly lose their spouse because they ask questions instead of setting boundaries or moving on.


I find wanting to control the TV and movies their spouse watches really controlling and infantilizing. He also doesn't want her to go the the gym or schedule home maintenance or repairs when she is alone, it is veiled in "concern" but reads controlling to me. They've been married for 20 years, he either trust her or he doesn't (he doesn't say either way but it sounds like the answer is no) He isn't giving a lot of detail behind all of these questions he posts but my take was he is trying to control her and she isn't having it...Good for her.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> I find wanting to control the TV and movies their spouse watches really controlling and infantilizing. He also doesn't want her to go the the gym or schedule home maintenance or repairs when she is alone, it is veiled in "concern" but reads controlling to me. They've been married for 20 years, he either trust her or he doesn't (he doesn't say either way but it sounds like the answer is no) He isn't giving a lot of detail behind all of these questions he posts but my take was he is trying to control her and she isn't having it...Good for her.


A religious guy wanting his family to not watch sexually suggestive shows isn't controlling when, she still watches those shows and goes to those movies. 20 years of your wife ignoring you, not hanging out with you and not wanting to have breakfast once a month will lead to some jealous like behaviors. Cool we just disagree.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> *A religious guy wanting his family to not watch sexually suggestive shows isn't controlling when, she still watches those shows and goes to those movies.* 20 years of your wife ignoring you, not hanging out with you and not wanting to have breakfast once a month will lead to some jealous like behaviors. Cool we just disagree.



I agree that him simply not wanting her to isn't controlling, and you are right she still does it (and good for her IMO). There seems to be a huge lack of communication in this marriage and it reads as if they've been on different planets for two decades. I guess I should ammend my post to say his posts reads like he wants more control over her...There is a huge lack of back story and he keeps posting similar questions without providing much detail.


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## diogenes72 (Jan 10, 2016)

I am asking again to see if new people or the same respond similarly. I encourage my wife and buy certificates for her and her friends to go to day spas, breakfast, lunch, and other places as well. However, nothing has changed. Now I have started purposefully showing late at home from work and just leaving her alone at home never offering any information where I am going, how long I will be gone, or with whom. Suddenly, she is now asking to go places with me or texting me when she finds I have left about where I am. I NEVER texted or asked her where she had been but offered that it would be nice if she would let me know things. 
Anyone familiar in the military? GOTWA anyone?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Yes, when looking for a partner, we will bring out the binoculars, reading glasses, magnifying glass, microscope [for STD's], spotting scope, the rule book.
> 
> And the Lie detector, the BS detector, the GPS, the VAR, and we bring out the stethoscope and listen intently to our gut.
> 
> ...


I have far better intelligence than that. Her daughter used to be my intern and was hired on full time in our software group 😁.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

diogenes72 said:


> Should husbands and wives tell each other where they are and with whom?


Of course. Why wouldn't you unless you are hiding something.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

kristin2349 said:


> I agree that him simply not wanting her to isn't controlling, and you are right she still does it (and good for her IMO). There seems to be a huge lack of communication in this marriage and it reads as if they've been on different planets for two decades. I guess I should ammend my post to say his posts reads like he wants more control over her...There is a huge lack of back story and *he keeps posting similar questions without providing much detail.*


Yes, and we keep filling in the blanks. With mortar, fluff and huff. 

Me too!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

jld said:


> Dug has a Friend Finder (or something like that) app that tracks where I am. I think he put it on my phone, too. Our daughter asked to be put on both of ours.
> 
> I love the idea that he can always know where I am. It makes me feel loved and cared about and safe. ❤


Hubby and I have that same app, I like it too that he can see where I am. It makes me feel safe too. We share it with my Mum too - we can see her and vice versa...I like it because sometimes when she leaves here at night she forgets to text me when she gets home. I just check the app and see that she's home safe and sound 

It's common courtesy surely to let your spouse know where you'll be. I mean, if hubby's at work, and a friend rings and wants to go out and grab lunch I don't ring him and tell him, but of course would tell him that night when he asked how my day was. I wouldn't expect him to ring me either "I'm going to lunch with xyz", that's nuts.

Of course if it we were both home and had no plans, we'd say to the other "I'm grabbing lunch with Jane/John and will be home around 4". Would never just go out and not tell the other lol.


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## Moliverna (Apr 9, 2017)

I'd say it's normal to inform them in a conversation but not like a warning like "hey I'll be out with another woman for a few hours" but more like a conversation about what's goin on today....

Sent from my SM-G928P using Tapatalk


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