# am i doing this correctly?



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

ok, if you wanna go and read my drama, go for it. I am just struggling with this...do I keep showing affection when I get absolutely nothing back? I am becoming a better person, I am loving, listening, gentle. I know he has walls up, but darn, it'd be nice if HE would try to initiate something. He from my digging hasn't contacted her, (I realize he could be lying.) 

I know if I go back to shutting down, it does no good, he has said he goes back and forth on the working it out and after everything we have gone through, I understand that. He only seems to do it after he has been drinking. 

I wrote him a letter today, ended up to be almost 4 full pages long:rofl:. It detailed how I apologized, yet again for my actions, and my part in us getting to this point, I outlined what he and I both deserve in a partner, and that I love him, and that I am becoming a better person and I am standing up for my family and marriage, he has yet to read it. We shall see....GOD I am really questioning if I am strong enough for this
:rofl:


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Do you know how he feels love? Acts of Service? Words of Affirmation? Etc?? It could be that you are showing him love in a way that you recognize but he does not. My H recognizes love with Words of Affirmation and I recognize it through physical touch. Takes a minute to get on each others pages LOL.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

this is true, good point yet again my dear. I printed out some stuff from marriage builders, but my ink is getting low lol. I believe I know the gist of it. I am trying not to push him to hard, like a huge blanket of stuff. Does that make sense?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Sure it does. I didn't even print any of it, the H and I sat down together and did it online, then read up on each others results so we knew what the other needed. Never even heard of ANY of that until I came here looking for help.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I printed out the "emotional needs questionnaire". I believe that may be what you are talking about. I gave it to her and asked her to complete it. She hasn't even looked at it. It is important to be on the same page. 

A good example happened Saturday. My daughter helps my son with his guitar practice. She was playing the CD and he was playing from the book. They were getting frustrated with each other because it wasn't going well on one particular song. Then they realized that she was playing the CD for the song on the right side of the book and he was playing the song on the left side of the book. 

I pointed out to my wife that is like our marriage. No matter how hard I tried to show her my love, I was on the wrong page. I got frustrated because I would just continue trying harder to the wrong song. I couldn't understand why the music wasn't working out. I get that now. If only she will stop her EA so we can work out our issues. . . .


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

We talked some earlier today, we really aren't on the same page, I while still shattered discovering his latest EA, I am willing to make a go of it, and he is still scared to dive in, and still wonders if will both be happier apart. I understand that, but doesn't make it hurt any less, lol. He has days he says where he wants to and days he wonders if splitting is the best thing, I am really trying hard to do this one day at a time but man it's a struggle.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

DawnD said:


> Do you know how he feels love? Acts of Service? Words of Affirmation? Etc?? It could be that you are showing him love in a way that you recognize but he does not. My H recognizes love with Words of Affirmation and I recognize it through physical touch. Takes a minute to get on each others pages LOL.


Im a physical touch person too, my wife is a Gifts person, which is what i scored lowest on. She scored lowest on touch... yeesh.


@paramore - It has been my experience that VERY LITTLE is ever accomplished in the house. As a matter of fact, most progress is lost inside the home. Put the books down, take a break from the barrage of "us talk" and go out with him. Go to dinner and out to a place that is interactive like Dave and Buster's or something. If you are into Bowling, or something, do that. When you are alone in the house with eachother, it is Victim against abuser...or Judge against Defendant... 

I am not saying that you should forget about the real conversations that need to happen, but you might want to give him a reason to engage you. If all he is going to do is be subjected to guilt and therapy, he doesnt have much to work for. He clearly cheated because he was not motivated to be faithful in the first place. It may very well be a character flaw, but you wont get that data inside the house. 

Get out with eachother and see if it is worth the effort. If he has a good time, it will remind him who you are to him. 

Maybe you are already doing that... but thats the best I got for the info provided.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I made a point last night of not bringing it up at all, just hung out and joked with him, we laughed alot, had fun. I think I am going to let it ride completely for a few days for sure, he works 3 12 hour shifts this weekend so he's not gonna feel like going out, but I had been planning on us maybe doing something together this upcoming week if he's up for it.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Good Girl!


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

and I am really hoping he decides to come with me to the first MC appt, it's on Thursday, at this point he says he's not going, but there is still time to change his mind....now what is there to do in the dead of winter lol.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

I have a thing where since I know how I feel love, what pulls my heart strings, I encourage a man to ask, or just listen when i tell (HAAAAA Ya, that's funny), but because I am aware of myself, and figure others are just as in tuned, I ask them when i can't figure it out. 

Worth a shot. Just ask.... Is what I am doing getting across what i feel or am I missing the mark. I want to show you I love you, I think I am doing that, but if you need something else to know... please share....

No one wants to have to give specific instructions cause that kills it, but a little guidance on the matter is certainly not asking too much. Some folks don't make what floats them as obvious as others


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I asked him yesterday to please let me know when my attempts at affection/being intimate are giving him flashback or making him feel weird or awkward, as that's the last thing I want. All I can hope for is that I can keep chipping away and that he will open himself up to it again. Lord knows I have had to work through those unfortunate little flashbacks, and I just worked through them a little at a time.

It may take months, may take years, but I pray that there will be a day where he can look at me and say Let's do this honey, and put himself in there 100%, told him that will be amongst the happiest days of my life.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

paramore said:


> and I am really hoping he decides to come with me to the first MC appt, it's on Thursday, at this point he says he's not going, but there is still time to change his mind....now what is there to do in the dead of winter lol.


You asked for it....

Bowling
Indoor Mini Golf
Dining
Dinner-theater
Mall Shopping
BINGO! never to young or old!
Casino
Indoor Swap meets?
Sporting events
Concerts
Classes at a local college
Dave and Busters (national Chain)
Pool Hall
Dance Clubs or honky tonk
Suprise him, take him to a firing range.
Depends where ya live... but there is always lots to do!


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

unfortunately we live just outside of a VERY boring town, but I will have to look and see, we do have those "fight nights" aka mma, I think he may like that, if it were nicer out, I could take him to the batting cages, that sounds like fun. I will have to do some looking around and see what is available in our area as we really can't travel much due to finances.
I should be just be happy that he came home right, even though it was more out of obligation of doing what's right. He does say he loves me, those should be two positive steps in the right direction right?


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

paramore said:


> unfortunately we live just outside of a VERY boring town, but I will have to look and see, we do have those "fight nights" aka mma, I think he may like that, if it were nicer out, I could take him to the batting cages, that sounds like fun. I will have to do some looking around and see what is available in our area as we really can't travel much due to finances.
> I should be just be happy that he came home right, even though it was more out of obligation of doing what's right. He does say he loves me, those should be two positive steps in the right direction right?


I would say those are reasonable expectations.

I know the economy sucks, but there are always options. There are always ways to generate a little fun money out there for some quality time. Craigslist is a good way to turn an old useless item from a space consumer to a fun memory. You know, if you generate the money and take him out on your dime, it will mean all that much more.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Springtime= RUMMAGE SALE!!!! lol


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