# He wants to call it a day but I'm not ready



## Summers1977 (Jul 20, 2014)

After 12 years together. 9 years of marriage 3 children. My hus band want to call time on our relationship. I'm not ready to give up. Any ideas on how I can help turn this around. We took time and didn't rush into marriage. He had a plan and goals of what he wanted from life. I shared a lot of thous goals and loved his drive and ambition. 

Life has gone 90% the way he wanted and life is as I expected it to be. Romance and sex drive fades with kids. I except a lot of response ability for that. I thought that as this is a life style that we both chouse that we would go through a stale patch and get stuck in a rut, but that once the kids got older we would reconnect and get back to a more romantic relationship.

I have been trying and communicating for the last 2 years to work at reconnecting with my husband. After false promises of let's work at this and no action on his part. We had a good talk and he's told me that he doesn't love me anymore. That's why he's not tried. I've been very upset with this which stocked him. He's agreed to go to counciling and I have said if he does what to work at this relationship I need him to find 1 and book us an appointment. So I'm waiting. 

I can felel him slipping more away each day. We are now in separate bedrooms and the waiting for him to deside if he wants to work at saving our marriage and what he wants in life. Each day I'm been eaten up a little more inside. 

Any ideas on what I can do ? I don't want to to be the nagging self pitying wife as that's not attractive one bit. But I need to do sometime or I'm going to be a crying scream wife shouting why don't you love me. Which let's face it no one wants.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think the only way to get through to him is to preempt his agenda and shock him with thoughts that he will lose what he has and had.

In other words, a) file for divorce immediately, and b) start working on improving yourself as if you're preparing for you next, better relationship, while ending all attempts to work on the marriage or do anything beyond the necessary to keep things civil and functional.

If there is hope for the relationship at all, this may force him to confront the issue and finally do something. If there is no hope, it may be a relief for him to see and end, and in that case, you'll know without a doubt that it's time to let go and work on moving on.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Summers1977 said:


> Romance and sex drive fades with kids. I except a lot of response ability for that. *I thought that as this is a life style that we both chouse that we would go through a stale patch and get stuck in a rut, but that once the kids got older we would reconnect and get back to a more romantic relationship.*


Unfortunately, this is a faulty premise.

Strong relationships should not go through stale patches and get stuck in ruts, and as you are finding out the hard way that it is very difficult to "reconnect and get to a more romantic relationship" if you haven't nurtured it all along.

You have stated that you take responsibility for much of it.

I think your husband has fallen out of love with you somewhere along the way. Ask yourself, are you truly IN LOVE with your husband still, or do you just want him to stay because you don't want to see your family broken up? Nothing wrong with the latter, but it's hard to go through married life without true intimacy and a sexual connection. Sounds like your husband is wondering, "Is this all there is to life?"

I would not file for divorce yet, too soon for that. But since he is so h*ll-bent on throwing in the towel I would ask him to move out. Obviously you can't force him to leave, but let him get an apartment and see what life would really feel like without his wife and kids present. Many people here advice against separating, but in your case he gets to string you along and break your heart a little more each day while he sits on the fence. Not healthy for anyone.

Whether he stays or goes, you need to start a hard 180. Start planning fun things for you and the kids, leave him out of it. Start improving your life in ways that he can see. Smile more, laugh more, start going to the gym, go for a regular walk everyday, arrange social outings with your girlfriends, develop new hobbies and interests. Stop calling or texting (or responding to his) unless it has something to do with the kids. Do not let him think you are "pining away" for him.

Since he is willing to go to counseling, that's a very good thing. You have correctly stated that becoming a crying, screaming, nagging wife is very unattractive. Instead of whining and fighting in therapy, he will see a strong woman who will make it either way, with or without him. THAT is very attractive.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That "stuck in a rut" feeling is how affairs start. You were incorrect to assume both of you were voluntarily putting off reconnecting until the children were older. He apparently disconnected from you and now he wants out. The question is whether he's involved with someone else or not. 

He may or may not decide to reconnect. So you do need to start working on you and have a plan in mind in case he really does plan to end it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Unfortunately, this is a faulty premise.
> 
> Strong relationships should not go through stale patches and get stuck in ruts, and as you are finding out the hard way that it is very difficult to "reconnect and get to a more romantic relationship" if you haven't nurtured it all along.
> 
> ...


I agree with this course of action for you. If he really wants out, tell him that he needs to leave. (both times that I wanted to divorce, I left, I felt that was the right thing to do) Then start working on yourself and getting your life in order without him. If he actually moves forward with getting counseling set up for the two of you, then go. 

Ask yourself honestly, do you REALLY want to be with someone who no longer loves you or wants to be with you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

While he might not be in an affair I think that you would benefit from reading the book "Surviving an Affair". It will tell you why he has fallen out of love and what you can do that might help you save the marriage. 

After that book, read the book "His Needs, Her Needs".

I disagree with the idea of having him move out. Separations usually lead to divorce. If you want a chance at fixing things he needs to be around so that you can fix things.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

I mean he agreed to go to counseling. Can't some of the people that have done that help her know how to look for a good one?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your husband has said he's done, he doesn't love you, he wants out. Waiting for him to show he wants to work on the marriage and book a counselor is not the path you need to take, I think. Because, as he's already said, he's done. If you want counseling and he's willing to go, book it already. You MIGHT get lucky with a counselor that can say something to turn him around. But if you wait for your husband to take action to work on the marriage, it's much less likely to ever happen. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treeman (Aug 13, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> I think the only way to get through to him is to preempt his agenda and shock him with thoughts that he will lose what he has and had.
> 
> In other words, a) file for divorce immediately, and b) start working on improving yourself as if you're preparing for you next, better relationship, while ending all attempts to work on the marriage or do anything beyond the necessary to keep things civil and functional.
> .


Divorce or not, that is your prerogative, but boy do I dislike comments like improve yourself to prep for your next relationship.

Can we just think about what that says for a second?
That says you're willing to improve yourself to catch a total stranger, instead of being the best you can be for your husband?

Is improving yourself just a hook to catch the next guy only to probably repeat the same problem.

If you guys drifted during the child years, that is a problem you both need to accept responsibility for. If you have anything to give to improve yourself, you should do it. Better to give it to your husband than a total stranger.

That is at least worth a shot.


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