# Divorce nearly finalised



## Ryan Z (Feb 20, 2021)

Ive been seperated from my wife for 2 years now and filed for divorce last November. I chose to leave the home & filed the divorce even though my wife wanted to wait. I was going through lots of child trauma issues & coping with bipolar at tge time so made some insane distorted decisions. I now realise its tge biggest mistake Ive ever made and have been having massive anxiety/panic attacks wondering how I arrived in this situation!! Disbelief that things have come this far. Are these normal feelings? Im in a very dark place full of guilt, regret, sense of loss & shame.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So does your wife want a divorce now? Are you seeing a Dr. and getting some help for the pain attacks? Those are awful, I know.
What are your plans?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think it's just sort of the opposite of having cold feet before a wedding. It sounds like things had deteriorated and that you have some things you need to work out with just yourself. it might be easier to try to rebuild after you've gotten all the way through working past your issues. But really you might be a new person once you do that so I don't see holding up the divorce over it. Change is usually good.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Ryan Z said:


> Ive been seperated from my wife for 2 years now and filed for divorce last November. I chose to leave the home & filed the divorce even though my wife wanted to wait. I was going through lots of child trauma issues & coping with bipolar at tge time so made some insane distorted decisions. I now realise its tge biggest mistake Ive ever made and have been having massive anxiety/panic attacks wondering how I arrived in this situation!! Disbelief that things have come this far. Are these normal feelings? Im in a very dark place full of guilt, regret, sense of loss & shame.


So a couple things I'm picking up on here. First, the trauma and bi-polar issues... those don't suddenly get better in just a couple months. You are likely not that much different now than when you filed. Second, massive anxiety/panic attacks currently don't exactly sound like progress either.

If you've got these issues with mental health and you're not in continuous counseling, things are not going to go well for you. 

Don't know what the divorce laws are where you live, but there's typically a fairly-lengthy waiting period before the divorce is finalized. You filed in November so you might be just halfway into that period if it's 6 months. There may be time to reverse course, but if you choose to do so, you can't expect your wife to just sign on. She's likely gone through a ton of pain and already working on her post-married future. And if you sound desperate, that's probably all the more fuel for her believing it's best to move on. 

If there's something there to save, and you really haven't given us anything to work with here so who knows... you need to chart out a solid road to improving your own mental health and fully commit. And then, after this is already in place, see if she's willing to put things on hold for, say, 6 months.


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## Ryan Z (Feb 20, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> So a couple things I'm picking up on here. First, the trauma and bi-polar issues... those don't suddenly get better in just a couple months. You are likely not that much different now than when you filed. Second, massive anxiety/panic attacks currently don't exactly sound like progress either.
> 
> If you've got these issues with mental health and you're not in continuous counseling, things are not going to go well for you.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the solid advice. I am undergoing therapy and it is helping me to get more balanced. Unfortunately the divorce will go through as my wife wanted to put it on hold before but due to my mental state and distorted think I ignored her. You are probably right that she would be hesitant to reconcile with me being in a desperate state.

Thank you


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## Ryan Z (Feb 20, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think it's just sort of the opposite of having cold feet before a wedding. It sounds like things had deteriorated and that you have some things you need to work out with just yourself. it might be easier to try to rebuild after you've gotten all the way through working past your issues. But really you might be a new person once you do that so I don't see holding up the divorce over it. Change is usually good.


Thank you. I see a lot of positivity in your message. I am fully aware that I need to work on my many issues and am/have made steps to do that such as therapy & joining a 12 step program pertinant to my problems. You are correct that things had deteriorated but I believe that was ALL my fault. I know people say it takes two to tango but I struggle to find any fault with my wife which leads me to believe that once/if I get better we could reconcile (if she wete willing)..maybe this thinking is delusional, Im not sure.

Thank you


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## Ryan Z (Feb 20, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> So does your wife want a divorce now? Are you seeing a Dr. and getting some help for the pain attacks? Those are awful, I know.
> What are your plans?


My wife never wanted it, I pushed it, went through a very confusing time last year. I was very hot & cold towards her and in my self pity I finally decided its better for her if we divorce. I saw a doctor and am now in therapy and my meds for my bipolar have been adjusted. My immediate plans are to get healthier mentally & emotionally and then mske decisions from a more balanced place. 

Thank you


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Right now you should concentrate on you. Everyone has doubts.

Was there anything specific that prompted you to file?


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## Ryan Z (Feb 20, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Right now you should concentrate on you. Everyone has doubts.
> 
> Was there anything specific that prompted you to file?


Thank you Marc. Yes I am trying to concentrate on myself and be conscious of who I am & what I want from life. I want to be 100% honest as there is no point hiding anything. About 5 months after seperating I naively got involved with someone else(another broken person...surprise), so roughly a year after seperating from my wife I was pressured into the situaton by the situation of being with this girl(not passing blame..its all on me), then spent the next 6 months going back & forth in my disturbed mind about the right thing to do causing me to eventually have a nervous breakdown. Eventually I thought it was the right decision for my wife as I messed her about so much(and messed about my girlfriend), I am certainly not proud of my past behaviour & am trying to change as a person.

Thanks for your feedback


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Unfortunately that’s what rebounds do. Why the separation?


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## Ryan Z (Feb 20, 2021)

Long story but ultimately my behaviour, lack of respect, selfishness


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