# Tempted By Online Connection



## Harford (Aug 10, 2011)

So I've connected with a woman online that I met on a discussion board. 
The conversations have gradually increased. No photos have been exchanged, but she says a lot of the passionate and sexy things that I have begged my wife to say, but she simply won't do it. I think that this is a common situation where the wife gets wrapped up in the kids lives and the husbands needs get put off. Our sex life is exactly the same every time. I'm talking xerox here.
This online woman provides the things my wife can not... a new person, and she is more on par with my level of passion.
At first it was fairly benign, but things are heating up online and it makes me nervous. 
They say that infidelity is not the cause of a relationship failing, but a symptom.
I'm not seeking justification, but what's a guy to do. I'm can try to run away from this but I can only run so far and so fast...


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Looks like you're lacking in having appropriate boundaries in place. Would you be comfortable and would your wife approve if she saw your conversations with your online girlfriend? There's your answer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What's a guy to do? Stop the nonsense with the online "woman". 

How long has this been going on with this other woman?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

The Federal Law requiring ongoing online contact has been repealed, so you no longer have to keep in contact with her for any reason.

You can tell her that you no longer wish to communicate with her, and then don't communicate with her. Refocus your efforts on your real life, flesh and blood relationship with your wife.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Harford said:


> So I've connected with a woman online that I met on a discussion board.
> The conversations have gradually increased. No photos have been exchanged, but she says a lot of the passionate and sexy things that I have begged my wife to say, but she simply won't do it. I think that this is a common situation where the wife gets wrapped up in the kids lives and the husbands needs get put off. Our sex life is exactly the same every time. I'm talking xerox here.
> This online woman provides the things my wife can not... a new person, and she is more on par with my level of passion.
> At first it was fairly benign, but things are heating up online and it makes me nervous.
> ...


You know exactly what to do and what's happening.

_Your_ wife is at home taking care of _your_ kids , keeping thing real in the home.

You are online on a discussion board , in the world of fantasy , another woman giving you a mental fvck ,and you expect your wife to compete with that?

Since you haven't seen any photos or vids of this " woman" what would you do if you found out she was really a man?

See what I mean?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Harford said:


> I'm not seeking justification, but what's a guy to do. I'm can try to run away from this but I can only run so far and so fast...


*Really?*



Harford said:


> No photos have been exchanged, but she says a lot of the passionate and sexy things that I have begged my wife to say, but she simply won't do it.


*Justification and Blame Shifting*



Harford said:


> I think that this is a common situation where the wife gets wrapped up in the kids lives and the husbands needs get put off.


*Justification*



Harford said:


> This online woman provides the things my wife can not... a new person, and she is more on par with my level of passion.


*Justification*



Harford said:


> They say that infidelity is not the cause of a relationship failing, but a symptom.


*Justification*

The only person your are fooling is yourself and your not even convincing you that this is going to **** up your marriage. You know what to do and you won't get any * justification* here.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You will not escape your problems at home by escalating your infidelity, you will only escalate them exponentially. For what? Here's a hint, you'll get jack **** for destroying what's left of your family.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What’s the topic of the forum she’s on? Political? Sports? Sex?

Some things to ponder. She’s never sent you pictures. You have never spoken to her. 

Does she talk in the provocative way with a lot of guys? Does she do it in the forum or in PM?

Do you know that a large % of those who post online as women are really men? I know of guys who do this. The one I know the most about does it because he’s a bored attention seeker. And he’s lazy.. does not want to get out of his chair to actually meet someone. So he lives on line as a woman. Like your online “lady” friend, he is very provocative in the thing he says. After all he’s a guy and guys are far more likely to talk dirty than women are. And do you know what? The men online love his female characters. He does send photos too. He has some photos of hot young women that he downloaded. He sends those out and the guys love it. A few men have fallen head over heels in love with him online… some to the point that he has asked me how to end with the guys because it’s now getting crazy..

LOL.. I wonder if your ‘lady’ friend is this guy I know? 

The point? A person can be anyone thy want online. Anyone. IF this is actually a woman you are talking to… her husband is probably as unhappy with her as you are with your wife.

This entire thing is a fantasy… one from which you will not even get the vanilla sex you are having with your wife.

How about you get off the internet and start romancing your wife. Most of the time when women appear to be LD they harbor resentment and that’s why they are not being so sexy and not wanting sex often.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Do you realize the temptation is a reaction to your own brain chemistry? There's nothing special about your online connection, but the longer and deeper you go with it, the more addicted you'll become, and you could lose the capability to be strictly rational.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what exactly do you want from us? What's your question?

My advice, speaking as someone who cheated on his wife... Either leave your marriage or get into counseling to figure out what's driving you. The emotional affair isn't going to fix anything. And you're starting down a very steep slippery slope. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Umm, you could grow up.

You could leave your wife and let her find a grown up man who stays off the internet and I engages with his family. 

You could stay with your wife and grow up and make your lives more interesting by staying off the internet and finding things to do with your wife and children. 

You could keep chatting with this online person and be a poor role model for your children. 

???


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sounds like another stop at Fantasyland. She says all the right things. No pictures exchanged as yet. However, the mental image of this online woman is certainly Aphrodite! 

Stop. Your wife deserves better. So do your kids.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Strictly online 'romance' ... ewwwww, creepy.

Probably a 42 year old 350 pound fat guy.


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

You are being completely disrespectful to your wife and if you have any children with her!

You are breaking your vows!

You are not being a good person!

Divorce your wife if you desire other women to this point!


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## Harford (Aug 10, 2011)

That's just it, I romance the hell out of her. I'm the one who sends nice messages throughout the day to her. I'm the one that brings her flowers for no particular reason. I'm the one that tells her she's a great mom and does a good job with the kids. I'm the one who cooks meals for her while she sits in the bubble bath that I drew for her sipping wine. I'm the one who surprises her with $600 Justin Timberlake tickets that she said she wanted. I'm attentive. I listen to her. I do almost all the laundry. I clean. I load and empty he dishwasher. And... She doesn't work. She wanted to stay at home with the kids and she got to do that. She has a nice car. We live in a nice house. Our kids go to good schools. I'm always around. 
All I ask is for sex to be less vanilla. I send a flirtatious and provocative text and the response I get is "maybe". I've told her exactly what I want, I even sent her an email cheat sheet. I still get nothing.
So yeah, I know what I'm doing is not a good idea, but I'm tired of being put off and if I do get what I ask for it's with an "alright already" attitude...


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## Harford (Aug 10, 2011)

And yes it's a woman. I meant no pictures like nude photos or anything. This started on Facebook...


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

Harford said:


> That's just it, I romance the hell out of her. I'm the one who sends nice messages throughout the day to her. I'm the one that brings her flowers for no particular reason. I'm the one that tells her she's a great mom and does a good job with the kids. I'm the one who cooks meals for her while she sits in the bubble bath that I drew for her sipping wine. I'm the one who surprises her with $600 Justin Timberlake tickets that she said she wanted. I'm attentive. I listen to her. I do almost all the laundry. I clean. I load and empty he dishwasher. And... She doesn't work. She wanted to stay at home with the kids and she got to do that. She has a nice car. We live in a nice house. Our kids go to good schools. I'm always around.
> All I ask is for sex to be less vanilla. I send a flirtatious and provocative text and the response I get is "maybe". I've told her exactly what I want, I even sent her an email cheat sheet. I still get nothing.
> So yeah, I know what I'm doing is not a good idea, but I'm tired of being put off and if I do get what I ask for it's with an "alright already" attitude...


Ever hear of the 80/20 rule?

Where you have an expectation of getting 100% of what you want from your marriage, but in reality, you will usually only get 80%.

So when someone shows up that gives you that 20% of what you are not getting, it is inflated to make it out to be more than it really is?

But in reality, it's only 20% of what you're missing!!

You're willing to toss away 80% of something good for 20% of something good? I don't make that trade. I think you would be hard pressed to find others to do it as well!

There are thousands of books to try to remedy your issues! Go read them instead of cheating on your wife online.

And I apologize for being so blunt, I am just that way and this kind of stuff makes me sick. I have been on the other end of it!


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## Harford (Aug 10, 2011)

When I see 80/20 I feel like I'm doing 80% of the work for intimacy in this relationship


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Harford said:


> That's just it, I romance the hell out of her. I'm the one who sends nice messages throughout the day to her. I'm the one that brings her flowers for no particular reason. I'm the one that tells her she's a great mom and does a good job with the kids. I'm the one who cooks meals for her while she sits in the bubble bath that I drew for her sipping wine. I'm the one who surprises her with $600 Justin Timberlake tickets that she said she wanted. I'm attentive. I listen to her. I do almost all the laundry. I clean. I load and empty he dishwasher. And... She doesn't work. She wanted to stay at home with the kids and she got to do that. She has a nice car. We live in a nice house. Our kids go to good schools. I'm always around.
> All I ask is for sex to be less vanilla. I send a flirtatious and provocative text and the response I get is "maybe". I've told her exactly what I want, I even sent her an email cheat sheet. I still get nothing.
> So yeah, I know what I'm doing is not a good idea, but I'm tired of being put off and if I do get what I ask for it's with an "alright already" attitude...


You need to lay it on the line. Get a sitter and have a date night. Tell her that you are bored with your sex life and have been tempted by an online persona but that you realize is your wife that you want. She isn't a mind reader. She needs to know how important sex is to your emotional well being, not that you just want sex in X, Y &Z positions. That sex gives you a sense of connectedness to her. 

Women tend to think that men just want sex because they are horny. That the person doesn't matter so much. But read enough on here and it's pretty evident that sex is as much an emotional need as a physical one. Whereas women might not need sex for either reason as much but instead need other things. And that's different for every woman. Maybe your chores aren't what she wants as much as words of affirmation or thoughtful, small, frequent gifts.

I suggest you have that sit-down, purchase His Needs/Her Needs and set aside a date night every week to reconnect. Find out if there are needs you are neglecting. You two are not communicating; you're coexisting. So fess up, stop the emotional affair and cut this woman off and focus on your relationship. Ask your wife to go to marriage counseling. Make each other a priority instead of everything else.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon Harford
I'm not gong to jump on you for this. When you are in a relationship that is not providing for your physical or emotional needs it is very easy to be tempted by other people (online or off).

Be aware that it is easy to only see the good parts of other people because you are interacting in casual fun environments - not dealing with the (unavoidable) day to day necessities at home. Its easy to get into the mode where all you do with your wife is chores (because you have too much to do).

Does your wife know you are unhappy? Have you tried counseling? Its much better to try to fix the relationship you have rather than find a new one - which will likely have its own problems. 

If you have done everything you can and still are not happy, then you need to think carefully about what you are missing: sex? Fun? Excitement? Intimacy? Trust? What is it that you really want - then you can think about how you can get it.


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## Harford (Aug 10, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> You need to lay it on the line. Get a sitter and have a date night. Tell her that you are bored with your sex life and have been tempted by an online persona but that you realize is your wife that you want. She isn't a mind reader. She needs to know how important sex is to your emotional well being, not that you just want sex in X, Y &Z positions. That sex gives you a sense of connectedness to her.
> 
> Women tend to think that men just want sex because they are horny. That the person doesn't matter so much. But read enough on here and it's pretty evident that sex is as much an emotional need as a physical one. Whereas women might not need sex for either reason as much but instead need other things. And that's different for every woman. Maybe your chores aren't what she wants as much as words of affirmation or thoughtful, small, frequent gifts.
> 
> I suggest you have that sit-down, purchase His Needs/Her Needs and set aside a date night every week to reconnect. Find out if there are needs you are neglecting. You two are not communicating; you're coexisting. So fess up, stop communicating, cut this "woman" off (who could be a man or 500lbs - you can be anything you want on-line) and focus on your relationship. Ask your wife to go to marriage counseling. Make each other a priority instead of everything else.


That's a good post. Again, I know it is a woman. I've seen her profile on Facebook.

I think I'm just tired. I've tired of giving gifts, compliments, and spelling out what I want and there is change for a day, then nothing. She's just very tied up in the kids and her hobbies.

Yes, I agree that we are coexisting...


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

Harford said:


> When I see 80/20 I feel like I'm doing 80% of the work for intimacy in this relationship


And what are you doing to fix that?


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Harford said:


> And yes it's a woman. I meant no pictures like nude photos or anything. This started on Facebook...


How can you be so sure?

And it is time to ready "No More Mister Nice Guy!"


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

So, get out of your marriage. Then you will be free to pursue another woman. Right now, you are not free. You are cheating and lying for an illusion of freedom. Don't be that guy. Either work on your marriage, possibly with the help of a qualified marriage counselor, or get out. If your wife is as bad as you say, why would you want to remain married to her anyway? 

Cheating does not help your marriage. It does not get you more sex, or different sex, from your wife. It does not do good things for you or for your children. If does not improve your real life in any way. All it does is jeopardize your family and destroy your personal integrity.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Harford said:


> That's just it, I romance the hell out of her. I'm the one who sends nice messages throughout the day to her. I'm the one that brings her flowers for no particular reason. I'm the one that tells her she's a great mom and does a good job with the kids. I'm the one who cooks meals for her while she sits in the bubble bath that I drew for her sipping wine. I'm the one who surprises her with $600 Justin Timberlake tickets that she said she wanted. I'm attentive. I listen to her. I do almost all the laundry. I clean. I load and empty he dishwasher. And... She doesn't work. She wanted to stay at home with the kids and she got to do that. She has a nice car. We live in a nice house. Our kids go to good schools. I'm always around.
> All I ask is for sex to be less vanilla. I send a flirtatious and provocative text and the response I get is "maybe".


Um, marry me?

Just kidding.

I would just tell your wife about online lady. That may wake your marriage up and her eyeballs to the fact that you are not happy with the status quo. 

It may seem all fun and cool at first, this online banter you have going on with this other woman, but in the end it's not good. You are filling a void but that void is still there when all is said and done... you have to talk to your wife and cut online lady off.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Harford said:


> That's a good post. Again, I know it is a woman. I've seen her profile on Facebook.
> 
> I think I'm just tired. I've tired of giving gifts, compliments, and spelling out what I want and there is change for a day, then nothing. She's just very tied up in the kids and her hobbies.
> 
> Yes, I agree that we are coexisting...


BUT IS THAT WHAT YOUR WIFE WANTS???? 

No where do you say you ASK. You ASSUME that she wants compliments, gifts and help with chores. I only mentioned that as one of the languages of love. Maybe she needs quality time and she doesn't get that so she fills the void with hobbies while you fill it with strangers on the internet.

Have you told her, straight out, that she pays so much attention to the kids and her hobbies that she's neglecting your marriage? And that you want to save it but that means making each other a priority?

I see lots of complaints, lots of blame-shifting but nowhere do you say you have point-blank told her that the marriage is in jeopardy if things don't change. She doesn't know it's gotten this bad. I guarantee you if you tell her you are on the verge of an affair she'll be surprised and hurt. It will be a wake-up call.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you looked at the "Married Mans Sex Life Primer" and "No More Mr. Nice Guy". 

Basically, you're continuing to reward her for her actions, which aren't meeting your needs. So why should she change? You need to destabilize the relationship dynamic. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Harford said:


> And yes it's a woman. I meant no pictures like nude photos or anything. This started on Facebook...


:rofl: I was going to say, Are you sure it isn't an old man named Pablo typing from his jail cell in Chile?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, how old are your kids? What does your wife spend her days doing?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Harford (Aug 10, 2011)

Yeah I have people tell me that they wish their husband did all that for them.

Don't want to leave her because of kids, and men get destroyed in a divorce.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Harford said:


> Yeah I have people tell me that they wish their husband did all that for them.
> 
> Don't want to leave her because of kids, and men get destroyed in a divorce.


Got news for ya. Marriages go south BIG TIME when one partner gets caught with their pants down (with a member of the opposite sex). And what could have been fixed suddenly becomes a nasty mess with the kids caught in the middle. Even amicable divorces become wishful thinking. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

Harford said:


> Yeah I have people tell me that they wish their husband did all that for them.


You sound full of yourself!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Harford said:


> That's a good post. Again, I know it is a woman. I've seen her profile on Facebook.
> 
> I think I'm just tired. I've tired of giving gifts, compliments, and spelling out what I want and there is change for a day, then nothing. She's just very tied up in the kids and her hobbies.
> 
> Yes, I agree that we are coexisting...


Just because someone has a profile on facebook does not make it real. That one guy I mentioned? He has a facebook profile for each of his online female characters.

Your wife does not change because up to now you have not shown that you really mean what you say about not being pleased. After all you keep on doing what you have been doing.

Apparently you have been doing what you want to do.. what you think = romance and love to your wife. But that's not what all of that means to her.

Hopefully some guy will come along here and give you some reading to do that will help you figure out how to get her attention.

I also agree with you reading "His Needs, Her Needs" and working on that book with her.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

my wife would tell you its all good. 

Truth is, you're being an @ss. You can't honestly say that you didnt know if this was bad when you posted ont his thread OP.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

There was another thread about a woman being tempted by a man.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/218250-tempted-cheat.html

We talked that woman out of making a disastrous decision, so I will summarize the players handbook that was uncovered on that forum. You can see it can apply to either sex. I didn't post it, I just lived it with my ex-wife being tempted away to an eventual affair:

Player 101.
Step 1. Talk to her and make her feel excited/ interesting.
Step 2 You understand her far more than her H. Her H isn't worthy....
(Step 3) "My husband never helps around the house or with the kids."
"Tell me about it. My wife was sleeping in while I took the kids to the park. After doing the dishes I didn't have time to even do a short ride on my Harley."

The grass is always greener! Anyway, I will just tell you MAYBE your marriage is piss poor and needs to be fixed, but cheating (emotional or more) is WRONG and will just make it worse. KNOCK IT OFF!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Harford said:


> When I see 80/20 I feel like I'm doing 80% of the work for intimacy in this relationship


I she were here.. she would probably tell us that she was doing 80%-110% to keep the marriage going.

One of the fundamental issues in your marriage is that you and your wife do not agree on what your marriage is like. I'd bet my farm on that.


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

devotion said:


> There was another thread about a woman being tempted by a man.
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/218250-tempted-cheat.html
> 
> We talked that woman out of making a disastrous decision, so I will summarize the players handbook that was uncovered on that forum. You can see it can apply to either sex. I didn't post it, I just lived it with my ex-wife being tempted away to an eventual affair:
> ...


:iagree:


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Harford said:


> That's just it, I romance the hell out of her. I'm the one who sends nice messages throughout the day to her. I'm the one that brings her flowers for no particular reason. I'm the one that tells her she's a great mom and does a good job with the kids. I'm the one who cooks meals for her while she sits in the bubble bath that I drew for her sipping wine. I'm the one who surprises her with $600 Justin Timberlake tickets that she said she wanted. I'm attentive. I listen to her. I do almost all the laundry. I clean. I load and empty he dishwasher. And... She doesn't work. She wanted to stay at home with the kids and she got to do that. She has a nice car. We live in a nice house. Our kids go to good schools. I'm always around.
> All I ask is for sex to be less vanilla. I send a flirtatious and provocative text and the response I get is "maybe". I've told her exactly what I want, I even sent her an email cheat sheet. I still get nothing.
> So yeah, I know what I'm doing is not a good idea, but I'm tired of being put off and if I do get what I ask for it's with an "alright already" attitude...


I had a lot of these issues also years ago. To address the problem there are three issues at hand.

One. Try as you might if the things listed are not important to her no amount of laundry is going to make a difference to her. All you are doing is engaging in personal servitude in exchange for sex. It's a losing proposition. Been there, done that, failed miserably. If these things are not important to her then find out what is. Read The Five Love Languages and tell her to also. Understand what each of you needs to feel loved and appreciated.

Two. Stop bartering for sex. If it is important to you then you must get it across to her. It is not a desire, a want or a wish! It is core to your happiness in the marriage and if your needs are not met the marriage will continue to struggle and eventually fail. This is important to you so she needs to make it a higher priority in the marriage. 

Three. End all contact with the other woman. This will doom your marriage. The more you emotionally engage with her the more damage you do to the marriage. Your vision of your wife will be jaded further and further until you can't stand the sight of her. I lived through this years ago with my wife and you have no idea how much damage you are doing.


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## Harford (Aug 10, 2011)

PBear said:


> Btw, how old are your kids? What does your wife spend her days doing?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Getting kids to school. Errands. Tennis. Shopping for interior design stuff.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Harford said:


> Getting kids to school. Errands. Tennis. Shopping for interior design stuff.


So your wife does no house work? She does not cook? shop for food?


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## Harford (Aug 10, 2011)

Yeah she does some housework, and goes to the store. Cooks for kids. Sometimes I cook for us, sometimes she does. Maids come every other week


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## Harford (Aug 10, 2011)

One more thing, when I tell her what is important to me and what I need, I usually get the response of "so I'm just a frigid *****" or "most men don't get as much as you"
And I don't criticize her, I just tell what is important to me.


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

Sounds to me (and this is just my opinion) that you need to take that effort and time that you are putting into this emotional affair that you are having online and put it into marriage counseling!!!!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Harford said:


> That's just it, I romance the hell out of her. I'm the one who sends nice messages throughout the day to her. I'm the one that brings her flowers for no particular reason. I'm the one that tells her she's a great mom and does a good job with the kids. I'm the one who cooks meals for her while she sits in the bubble bath that I drew for her sipping wine. I'm the one who surprises her with $600 Justin Timberlake tickets that she said she wanted. I'm attentive. I listen to her. I do almost all the laundry. I clean. I load and empty he dishwasher. And... She doesn't work. She wanted to stay at home with the kids and she got to do that. She has a nice car. We live in a nice house. Our kids go to good schools. I'm always around.
> All I ask is for sex to be less vanilla. I send a flirtatious and provocative text and the response I get is "maybe". I've told her exactly what I want, I even sent her an email cheat sheet. I still get nothing.
> So yeah, I know what I'm doing is not a good idea, but I'm tired of being put off and if I do get what I ask for it's with an "alright already" attitude...


Good job on all you do. Flowers, dinner, tickets....etc. I do the same with my wife. She is a SAHM. But, I enjoy doing those things with her and for her because she does reciprocate. I see this is where your W is behind in? Having a online EA is not the answer. Nor is her sexual inaction a justifiable reason to conduct such an EA. 

Now, have you expressed to your wife face to face/heart to heart what physical desires you wish for or do you attack the issue with spread sheets and pie charts?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Harford said:


> Getting kids to school. Errands. Tennis. Shopping for interior design stuff.


Same thing my wife does. You know what....my day stops at 5. Being a SAHM, my W day stops around 9 pm. Hell, her day starts at 0530! Kids, dinner, wash, cleaning, doctors appts to get kids to. The usual domestic chores! Know what, when I go home from work I'm away from my work. When my wife goes home from work she...no wait...she is never away from work. Home is her work. So, making dinner, a load of laundry or letting her go take a hour long bath with no interruption is in order if you ask me. Further, you should help in the evening when you can. And, dinner and tickets...yep...should be doing that as well. This is for the person who, without her, you/kids world would be in shambles. 

As a few mentioned, get the books. Really talk to her about your needs. Perhaps she is a bit shy with some types of sexual activity. Do not expect her to change overnight. She can not change any if you do not talk with her about it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Harford said:


> One more thing, when I tell her what is important to me and what I need, I usually get the response of "so I'm just a frigid *****" or "most men don't get as much as you"
> And I don't criticize her, I just tell what is important to me.


Yes, she may be frigid. Ask her the reason.

As for the most men comment, how would she know?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Just walk away from the Facebook friend...even though it feels like you are tearing yourself in half in the process.


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## highwing (Aug 25, 2014)

Just curious, what do you do for your wife to help her feel special? Do you still date her? What attracted you to her in the first place? She has to deal with the realities of kids and house stuff all day. What do you do to give her a fantasy to escape to?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Harford said:


> One more thing, when I tell her what is important to me and what I need, I usually get the response of "so I'm just a frigid *****" or "most men don't get as much as you"
> And I don't criticize her, I just tell what is important to me.


either this is an issue you can deal with by trying to compromise and or comunicating or its a deal breaker.

having computer sex will not help you.

man up and decide if this is a deal breaker or not.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You are doing it wrong OP.

ALL of the issues in your marriage you need to talk to you wife about......not other women.....that you don't know.

Take it up with your wife. If she is unwilling to work on these issues or fix them, you leave.

Then you HEAL

LONG LONG LONG after that you get involved with someone else.

What you are trying to do my friend is justify you cheating in your own head. 

I will highly recommend that you DON'T and completely break ALL contact with this "woman". You are chasing things you can't have.

Think about it, here you are, unable to have a healthy relationship with ONE woman......so you add a 2nd one?

Put together ALL of the drama and issues you have had with your wife, now multiply it x3. 

THAT will be your consequence of your FUTURE actions if you don't straighten your ass up and be a man.

When I say "be a man" I mean, "man is defined by their word". You gave your wife a word.......and now you are breaking it.

And let's take "best case scenario" right now (in your own head "best case scenario" of course. Let's assume your wife didn't want to work thing out. You got a divorce AND took a year to heal like you should before getting involved with someone else.

Ask yourself. Would I EVER date a woman that is chasing married man tail? 

:scratchhead:


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Harford

well, cybersex internet-only relationships are better than PAs. They are EAs, so depending on your personal morals, that can be ok or bad.

I would recommend you find sex chat partners that are FAR away. Like if you are on east coast USA, find one in CA, or better yet, in Australia. That way...you will not be tempted to do something foolish in a moment of weakness.

Also, in case you have not seen a show on MTV called Catfish, you might want to cam with this "women" and make sure she is a she, at least. LOL

After that...hey, you ARE getting sex at home, just not kinky sex. So you can not play the "my wife is sexless and won't change" card. So i wonder if you really HAVE tried all you can to get her into a kinkier mode. 

Taken her to lingerie shop?
got some couples porn to watch?
sat down with her at the computer, credit card in hand, and went on Adam and Eve collection?
Told her you need kinkier sex, in clear discussion?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> Everybody here will say that I should divorce not cheat. I disagree. When you divorce, your hurt your kids. When I cheat I hurt my husband. Out of two - kids are more important.


You are wrong, VERY wrong. You fail to realize that your kids are LEARNING relationship dynamics from YOU and YOUR husband. To them, what you husband is doing is "normal" and what you are doing is "normal".

How things are = what relationship IS < to them

So in the end, you are doing MORE damage than good cause your kids will be treating their wife/husband exactly the way you guys are treating each other.

Basically what I'm telling you is that either YOU learn or your KIDS will learn the hard way.

You are doing MORE damage by staying than you would be by leaving. Remember, as long as both parents remain engaged and active in their kids life......they will be JUST fine. And even if they don't, they will be fine as well.

I won't even get into other risks that you probably haven't considered. Sexual disease or your health for example. If you are not happy in your life/marriage, it will have an effect on your well being rather you like it or not. It will also effect your kids.

If you are not happy in your relationship/marriage, GET OUT. Heal and show your kids how things are done WITH ACTION. That will teach them that "hey, if you are not happy or your partner sucks, leave". Right now, you are teaching them "if you are miserable, just stick around for the kids".

Also, back stab and CHEAT on your loved one is another lesson you are teaching them. Remember, YOU are their loved one. :scratchhead:

Sorry, not good....not good at all.

Thus, I always recommend, keep kids COMPLETELY out of the decision when it comes to divorce. They will be JUST fine. 

Also, don't think that they don't sense the dynamic of your relationship either. It's all over the place.....in the air....atmosphere in your house etc.

Sorry, but you are completely wrong.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

DoF said:


> You are wrong, VERY wrong. You fail to realize that your kids are LEARNING relationship dynamics from YOU and YOUR husband. To them, what you husband is doing is "normal" and what you are doing is "normal".
> 
> How things are = what relationship IS < to them
> 
> ...


Oh, I know this is not right. I believe I am in the process of figuring out where do I want to go wiht my marriage (out), but it is a process. There is a lot of logistics to consider. 

And actually the affair made me much calmer person. Our screaming arguments got cut out. I am not allowing him to work me like this anymore, I have distance to it and it makes me more resistant. I wish my marriage worked. He used to be my best friend twenty years ago. But too much yelling, name calling, lack of respect from his side in arguments had killed it. I am just not ready yet to make the big decision. It is not easy. I need to grow into it.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Simple question:
Do you want to be in this marriage or don't you?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> Oh, I know this is not right. I believe I am in the process of figuring out where do I want to go wiht my marriage (out), but it is a process. There is a lot of logistics to consider.


It's like planing kids. If you plan too much, you will never be ready.



WandaJ said:


> And actually the affair made me much calmer person. Our screaming arguments got cut out. I am not allowing him to work me like this anymore, I have distance to it and it makes me more resistant. I wish my marriage worked. He used to be my best friend twenty years ago. But too much yelling, name calling, lack of respect from his side in arguments had killed it. I am just not ready yet to make the big decision. It is not easy. I need to grow into it.


You will adjust. Humans have natural ability to adjust based on situation.

Sure, it won't be easy, but you will survive and be just fine.

Beside, I think you now realize that you probably should do it for your kids as much as yourself.

They know what's up.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Garrett said:


> Sounds to me (and this is just my opinion) that you need to take that effort and time that you are putting into this emotional affair that you are having online and put it into marriage counseling!!!!


:iagree:
This is exactly what I was going to say.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> Do I feel remorse? NO. This relationship gave me strenght not to accept that crap from my husband anymore, to see it for what it is.
> 
> Everybody here will say that I should divorce not cheat. I disagree. When you divorce, your hurt your kids. When I cheat I hurt my husband. Out of two - kids are more important.


Well you heard it here first folks. What a cheater really thinks before being caught.

All I know is that if I were your husband and if I ever found out about all this, I'd gather all the evidence of this little relationship you have off of your computer and plaster it all over the internet, kids or no kids. I'd be going for blood.


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## MrsFrench (Sep 9, 2014)

It sounds to me like you are trying to convince yourself that what you are doing is okay, and that if it goes further it was only a matter of time and understandable. 

I have a newsflash for you: it's not. 

Decide if you want this marriage. If the answer is no, end it. If the answer is yes, go into counseling and get to the actual root of your problem. But, either way, stop talking to the fantasy girl online, at least until you figure things out with your wife, life and family. 

Also keep in mind, this chick is probably either an unattractive, bored housewife or a man jerking you around, because trust me, a woman who is desperate for attention online, and also attractive, will volunteer pictures of herself to get as much of that validation and attention as she possibly can.


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## MrsFrench (Sep 9, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> I understand you. you are more adventures person in bad that she is. You are trying to be romantic, helpful, cook dinner, bring flowers, and bring money. Still nothing.
> 
> I did what you are doing. My marriage was full of screams and anger, and I was becoming frustrated, angry, bitter middle age woman. I run for relief to internet sex chats. I've met really great man on line. It started wiht sex, very hot sex, but soon it moved to personal and intellectual level. We discuss our lives, problems, supported each other when those close to us didn't, we discuss politics, everything. He reminded me that not all relationhsips are based on name calling, and anger, that it is possible to have respectful conversation even when disagreeing. And we are perfect sexual match. I always wanted to be to talk about sex, write about sex, look for new things, but my hubby laughed at these ideas. With him we have great way of communicating (not only about sex)
> It's been almost a year and half, and we both are still going strong. Talking on the phone sometime few times a day, emailing daily. We;ve met twice so far, planning another one in about five months, that's how far to the future we look. We both are convinced that we have found something exceptional and we both really appreciate it.
> ...


Do you really think living in a household where one parent is unfaithful, and the marriage is failing long term, the kids DON'T know and aren't affected by it? Get a grip on reality. My God, I feel so incredibly sorry for your husband.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

MrsFrench said:


> Do you really think living in a household where one parent is unfaithful, and the marriage is failing long term, the kids DON'T know and aren't affected by it? Get a grip on reality. My God, I feel so incredibly sorry for your husband.


As someone who went through it as a child, I can tell you it's hell. Especially when it all collapses in.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

mrsfrench said:


> . My god, i feel so incredibly sorry for your husband.


you have no idea


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Harford said:


> Yeah I have people tell me that they wish their husband did all that for them.
> 
> Don't want to leave her because of kids, and men get destroyed in a divorce.


Sure theyll tell you that. That doesnt mean its true.

A woman wants to _feel._ She _feels_ for a man who demonstrates _power_ relative to his environment; a woman is attracted to a man for his capacity to effect positive change in his environment. Giving her gifts, doing housework etc isnt unique- any man can give her that. A woman is attracted to what a man has/can-do _independent_ of what he offers her. Your offering displays only make her _feel_ when she respects you for who you are independent of your charitable side.

You must demonstrate _power_ that only Harford has- that no other man has in the same way or with the same zeal. If you picked the right wife, she will be attracted to that you; if you didnt, then she wont.

This online relationship is functioning solely on lust; it will not fix the demeanor you possess that has lead your wife to not respect you and to withhold or not engage in sex with you.

Failure to learn from your current situation will leave you doomed to repeat it.

Oh, and what youre doing is cheating, its betrayal and its wrong.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

The Middleman said:


> Well you heard it here first folks. What a cheater really thinks before being caught.
> 
> All I know is that if I were your husband and if I ever found out about all this, I'd gather all the evidence of this little relationship you have off of your computer and plaster it all over the internet, kids or no kids. I'd be going for blood.


Well that's a difference between you and me. You are willing to expose your kids to hurt, pain and public ridicule to revenge your hurt ego. 

Do you really believe that makes you a better person?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> Well that's a difference between you and me. You are willing to expose your kids to hurt, pain and public ridicule to revenge your hurt ego.
> 
> Do you really believe that makes you a better person?


I believe it makes me a person who will not let a cheating spouse get away scott free with humiliating me and destroying a family. And as far as my kids go .... exposing them to hurt, pain and public ridicule took place when their mother decided to start having sex with someone who isn't their father while she is still married. My wife would have been the cause of all the pain, not me. All I did was expose the truth with evidence. You see, I don't give in to blame shifting. Why? Because I'm the better person.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

WandaJ said:


> Well that's a difference between you and me. You are willing to expose your kids to hurt, pain and public ridicule to revenge your hurt ego.
> 
> Do you really believe that makes you a better person?


My old lady phucked around behind my back and when I busted her....well lets just say there wasn't a damn thing I could have done to make me a better person.

How in the hell can any one be a better person with this kind of betrayal....the one person that supposed to have your back, risks the well being of the family unit just so they can get laid.

No matter how you slice it, with this kind of pain how can any one be a better person other then doing the best you can in just living! 

Idk who's to say maybe exposure is a bad idea, maybe beating your cheating spouse with a belt when the kids aren't looking would be better for the kids in the long run...maybe keeping this skeleton we call infidelity in the closet is best...NOT!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I grew up in a household with no sign of intimacy between my parents. I also remember (though I didn't understand it at the time) a situation where my mother very likely cheated. (note, parents are dead, so beyond harm from this post)

The lack of intimacy gave me a very distorted view of what love was like and I think did me real harm.

The cheating (if it did happen) - not really a big deal. Considering how my mother was treated, I'm not surprised or bothered. Way down on the list of problems in my family.


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## musashi (Apr 10, 2014)

If you have the slightest interest in staying married, happily, stop all contact. Step back and do some serious soul searching about what got you here and what you're going to do about it. There is a lot of good advice here but one thing is missing. Words cannot convey what a mind fu$% this is, for all involved. You have already started down a hole that you don't want to go down, I know from experience. I am coming out of a year plus EA. You want to talk privately send me a message. If you do this, you, your wife and your family will forever be changed, even if it doesn't end in divorce. You have no of idea what's waiting for you down this hole, and you don't want to know.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

You all keep assuming that people cheat on their perfectly loved and loving spouses. Life is black and white, so easy to go through it.

No, you cheat when you no longer CARE, when you just have enough of the crap thrown your way. After twenty years you just go "F..k you" . 

I am sure there is many many more people on this board who have cheated. They just keep quiet. And just because you are the one whe were cheated on it does not make you better person just for that. And if spouses cheating made you cause loud dramas with no regards to kids feeling, instead of solving this between the two of you, then your ego just trumples everything.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> And if spouses cheating made you cause loud dramas with no regards to kids feeling, instead of solving this between the two of you, then your ego just trumples everything.


I just love it when women (or anyone) who cheat hide behind the kids to avoid consequences and having to pay a price. The sad part is too many guys fall for that crap.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

The Middleman said:


> I just love it when women (or anyone) who cheat hide behind the kids to avoid consequences and having to pay a price. The sad part is too many guys fall for that crap.


yes, right. Men never cheat and never try to hide it. You've got that one right


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

The Middleman said:


> I believe it makes me a person who will not let a cheating spouse get away scott free with humiliating me and destroying a family. And as far as my kids go .... exposing them to hurt, pain and public ridicule took place when their mother decided to start having sex with someone who isn't their father while she is still married. My wife would have been the cause of all the pain, not me. All I did was expose the truth with evidence. You see, I don't give in to blame shifting. Why? Because I'm the better person.


I think Wanda said that she is having webcam sessions.......That's a WHOLE lot of trust to put with a person one hardly knows.

Hope she realizes they can record these sessions and post it on the web.......for HER kids to see one day.

Hmmmm

When they see it, they will say "My mom/dad had such a great relationship. This is the sort of thing that kept them going......cheating........this is NORMAL > they will do the same".


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## MrsFrench (Sep 9, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> You all keep assuming that people cheat on their perfectly loved and loving spouses. Life is black and white, so easy to go through it.
> 
> No, you cheat when you no longer CARE, when you just have enough of the crap thrown your way. After twenty years you just go "F..k you" .
> 
> I am sure there is many many more people on this board who have cheated. They just keep quiet. And just because you are the one whe were cheated on it does not make you better person just for that. And if spouses cheating made you cause loud dramas with no regards to kids feeling, instead of solving this between the two of you, then your ego just trumples everything.


:bsflag:

No one is assuming anything about the victim of the cheating, what we are saying is that straying from your marriage is _never_ okay, _never_ the answer, and _never_ helps anyone - children included. If your husband is such a POS, and you just don't give a f*ck about your marriage, or him as a person anymore - Divorce him. It really is that simple. Don't attempt to justify what you are doing, because there is no excuse. Even if your husband pulled a Ray Rice and knocked you out in an elevator, it wouldn't make cheating okay. Period.

And, I will just come out and say it - yes. I do think I am a better...perhaps not person in general, but certainly a better partner and parent...than you are. H strayed pre-nuptuals, I've not outed him, the children are none the wiser that the pain I was and am in has anything to do with daddy. There are ways to deal with infidelity that protects the children as much as reasonably possible - but even I realize that they are still hurting. Why? Because mommy is sad. Children are very in tune with their surroundings, much more than you seem to give yours credit for. So, in the long run, this unhappy marriage will damage your children and have life long consequences.

Children are also resilient. Does anyone want their parents to be unhappy together, and part ways? No. But it is a Hell of a lot better than being raised in constant upset and tension, and to believe love is affection-less, marriage and commitment are meaningless, and to discover later on that mommy was a selfish *insert promiscuous title here* when they are old enough to understand.


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## MrsFrench (Sep 9, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> yes, right. Men never cheat and never try to hide it. You've got that one right


He specifically wrote *or anyone* in parentheses. Also, there are plenty of wayward spouses on this forum who are completely open and honest about their cheating, the difference is that most of them don't live in the same delusional world you've set up shop in.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> Well that's a difference between you and me. You are willing to expose your kids to hurt, pain and public ridicule to revenge your hurt ego.
> 
> Do you really believe that makes you a better person?


Well when you have an affair and then get caught be prepared. Cause kids are then hurt with the knowledge of what one parent did to the other parent. You're living in a fantasy world to say that an affair is only affecting your husband. When he finds out, and most affairs come to light eventually, all hell is going to break loose. 
Then it 

doesn't matter that you were unhappy...you Cheated
Doesn't matter if he was an ass....you cheated
Doesn't matter if you were living sexless....you cheated

My x cheated on all of us. And she will have to face that with her own children one day when they are older. You're fooling yourself to think kids don't get hurt.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

And the fall out doesn't affect just the BS and the kids, it also hits entire extended families. Many of them rupture.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Well when you have an affair and then get caught be prepared. Cause kids are then hurt with the knowledge of what one parent did to the other parent. You're living in a fantasy world to say that an affair is only affecting your husband. When he finds out, and most affairs come to light eventually, all hell is going to break loose.
> Then it
> 
> doesn't matter that you were unhappy...you Cheated
> ...


yeah, you can be a bastard, as long as you do not cheat.

And no, you cheat on your spouse, not on your children. This is again reducing all of us to sex. Mommy had sex with another man, bad mommy. so old, I thought it doesn't exisit anymore. 

Oh, I do not leave in delusion. I have created an illusion for myself. How long will it last, we'll see.

And no, webcams are not involved.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> And the fall out doesn't affect just the BS and the kids, it also hits entire extended families. Many of them rupture.


That's a good point that isn't talked about enough in my opinion Blossom. My mother took my x wives cheating and divorce really really hard. She thought of her as the daughter she always hoped for and stated it to her several times. Years later I can see she makes an effort to keep an emotional difference from my now GF or when anyone special is in my life. Not because she doesn't want me to be happy but rather cause she also doesn't want to ever get hurt again either. 

My dad is always more interesting in how attractive they are lol


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> yeah, you can be a bastard, as long as you do not cheat.
> 
> And no, you cheat on your spouse, not on your children. This is again reducing all of us to sex. Mommy had sex with another man, bad mommy. so old, I thought it doesn't exisit anymore.
> 
> ...


Well this is about 100% true. When it comes crashing down and then everyone is pointing at you because of what you made the CHOICE to do you'll come out of the fog. It's very typical


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Harford said:


> So I've connected with a woman online that I met on a discussion board.
> The conversations have gradually increased. No photos have been exchanged, but she says a lot of the passionate and sexy things that I have begged my wife to say, but she simply won't do it. I think that this is a common situation where the wife gets wrapped up in the kids lives and the husbands needs get put off. Our sex life is exactly the same every time. I'm talking xerox here.
> This online woman provides the things my wife can not... a new person, and she is more on par with my level of passion.
> At first it was fairly benign, but things are heating up online and it makes me nervous.
> ...


Just show your wife all these conversations and tell her this is what you want her to do for you. 

Let us know how that goes.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> You all keep assuming that people cheat on their perfectly loved and loving spouses. Life is black and white, so easy to go through it. You assume to much.
> 
> No, you cheat when you no longer CARE, when you just have enough of the crap thrown your way. After twenty years you just go "F..k you" . No, you attempt to rectify the situation. If it does not work then D. Jibber Jabbering with some dude 1500 miles away about sexual fantasy might be time better used on your marriage or with your kids. But that is just me.
> 
> I am sure there is many many more people on this board who have cheated. They just keep quiet. And just because you are the one whe were cheated on it does not make you better person just for that. And if spouses cheating made you cause loud dramas with no regards to kids feeling, instead of solving this between the two of you, then your ego just trumples everything. It would appear you never had the sh!tty end of the stick in infidelity.:scratchhead:


Somehow I feel entitlement here......


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## MrsFrench (Sep 9, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> yeah, you can be a bastard, as long as you do not cheat.
> 
> And no, you cheat on your spouse, not on your children. This is again reducing all of us to sex. Mommy had sex with another man, bad mommy. so old, I thought it doesn't exisit anymore.
> 
> ...


Mommy can have sex with whomever she so chooses, as long as she isn't married to daddy. The concept is pretty simple.

I would tend to agree with a previous comment - why not spend the time doing things with or for your children rather than focusing on this pathetic online affair, if you are so concerned about and focused on them? Or, you could take an online course in grammar and spelling. Just saying.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> I understand you. you are more adventures person in bad that she is. You are trying to be romantic, helpful, cook dinner, bring flowers, and bring money. Still nothing.
> 
> I did what you are doing. My marriage was full of screams and anger, and I was becoming frustrated, angry, bitter middle age woman. I run for relief to internet sex chats. I've met really great man on line. It started wiht sex, very hot sex, but soon it moved to personal and intellectual level. We discuss our lives, problems, supported each other when those close to us didn't, we discuss politics, everything. He reminded me that not all relationhsips are based on name calling, and anger, that it is possible to have respectful conversation even when disagreeing. And we are perfect sexual match. I always wanted to be to talk about sex, write about sex, look for new things, but my hubby laughed at these ideas. With him we have great way of communicating (not only about sex)
> It's been almost a year and half, and we both are still going strong. Talking on the phone sometime few times a day, emailing daily. We;ve met twice so far, planning another one in about five months, that's how far to the future we look. We both are convinced that we have found something exceptional and we both really appreciate it.
> ...


Wow. Just wow. 

Hey Wanda, there's a Lurking Waywards thread you should be on. Let's hear from the OP and stop the massive threadjack. 

Although you're jacking your marriage, so it's kind of a pattern with you already. 

OP, you may need to start your own thread.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> yeah, you can be a bastard, as long as you do not cheat.
> 
> And no, you cheat on your spouse, not on your children. This is again reducing all of us to sex. Mommy had sex with another man, bad mommy. so old, I thought it doesn't exisit anymore.
> 
> ...


 Use your illusion...


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Feeling better everybody?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Well when you have an affair and then get caught be prepared. Cause kids are then hurt with the knowledge of what one parent did to the other parent. You're living in a fantasy world to say that an affair is only affecting your husband. When he finds out, and most affairs come to light eventually, all hell is going to break loose.
> Then it
> 
> doesn't matter that you were unhappy...you Cheated
> ...


Wouldn't it be nice if you can back up your evidence with a online video of your ex too?

OUCH

I wouldn't do webcam session with random people DRESSED, forget about naked etc. Don't people see these normal people in videos all over the web?

Unreal that people would still do this sort of thing.

Wanda, ANYTHING that ANYONE can see on their PC can be easily recorded and shared. Once it's out there.....there is no stopping it.

HECK, some man will hold you hostage with the video and tell you to do a/b and c OR they release it. 

You have really set yourself up for complete failure. In your marriage and personal life.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> Feeling better everybody?


I did not feel bad before.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

DoF said:


> Wouldn't it be nice if you can back up your evidence with a online video of your ex too?
> 
> OUCH
> 
> ...


No, this is not an option at all. Once there is no videos, second this all developed as it was, because we were able to start trusting each other. I do realize, that this is very unsual for the internet connection, and it actually caught both of us by surprise, because this was not what we were looking for. 
Sex is just a small part of all this now. 

Let's give thread back to Hartford. I think this at least gives him something to think about it. if he is still invested in his marriage, this is definitely not the way to go.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

doubletrouble said:


> Wow. Just wow.
> 
> *Hey Wanda, there's a Lurking Waywards thread you should be on.* Let's hear from the OP and stop the massive threadjack.
> 
> ...


She'd actually be better off posting at either LS or SI.

Actually, we'd ALL probably be better off...


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## Harford (Aug 10, 2011)

So I step away for a bit and come back to all this...


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Harford said:


> All I ask is for sex to be less vanilla. I send a flirtatious and provocative text and the response I get is "maybe". I've told her exactly what I want, I even sent her an email cheat sheet. I still get nothing.


What kinds of non-vanilla things are you asking for?


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## Tabitha (Jun 17, 2014)

You should step away for a bit FROM YOUR FACEBOOK "FRIEND" and go back to your wife. Get off the computer and engage with your kids, if nothing else. 

No thing you do with anyone else, no discussion here on how dejected you are about your marital relations can or will change ANYTHING with your wife. Only you can help change that.....and only WITH her can you effect any of that change. 

Your wife really has no idea what's going on with you, and that's on YOU. You need to make it abundantly clear to her what's going on in your mind. If you're this far along, you can't just throw off hints or do what YOU think you should be doing to make her feel more "sexy". You have to actually talk hard to her and get yourself heard....and then LISTEN to her. I'm sure she has gripes, too. 

Your situation didn't arise overnight, so it can't be repaired with one or two conversations. You need to decide what kind of man you want to be--a man with integrity or not--and act accordingly. Do it all aboveboard with her, and then if it doesn't work out, at least you and the kids get to know that you did it the right way and tried. 

If you think your marriage is bad right now, just go on with that FB "relationship" you're having and see how much worse things can get. If the end result--no matter what--is divorce, at least a "vanilla" one is better on everyone (including YOU) than one tainted with an EA or PA affair!.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Lame. Are you truly making an effort to connect with your wife? The time you spend talking to this other person could be spent trying to fix your marriage. She needs to know how you feel.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Harford said:


> So I step away for a bit and come back to all this...


A bit? You here last here on about 9/11. I think everyone assumed you left and were not coming back.

Why are you unhappy about what's here?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Get offline now. Stay offline for 90 days. Get real back into your life. Stop wasting it. Stay off porn too. Real men do real women. 

Grow up.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Harford said:


> That's just it, I romance the hell out of her. I'm the one who sends nice messages throughout the day to her. I'm the one that brings her flowers for no particular reason. I'm the one that tells her she's a great mom and does a good job with the kids. I'm the one who cooks meals for her while she sits in the bubble bath that I drew for her sipping wine. I'm the one who surprises her with $600 Justin Timberlake tickets that she said she wanted. I'm attentive. I listen to her. I do almost all the laundry. I clean. I load and empty he dishwasher. And... She doesn't work. She wanted to stay at home with the kids and she got to do that. She has a nice car. We live in a nice house. Our kids go to good schools. I'm always around.
> All I ask is for sex to be less vanilla. I send a flirtatious and provocative text and the response I get is "maybe". I've told her exactly what I want, I even sent her an email cheat sheet. I still get nothing.
> So yeah, I know what I'm doing is not a good idea, but I'm tired of being put off and if I do get what I ask for it's with an "alright already" attitude...


the poor OP has really tried with his wife, and she has sexually checked out. Its not as bad as some marriages, where the sex has completely stopped, but if the sex does not keep getting better (new things, new places, ...) it gets boring. Men...dont like boring sex.

It is understandable that the OP falls for some online ingenue that tweaks his erotic harp strings. But the OP seems to be going a little too far...getting in too deep. The online relationship could easily undermine his marriage. That is bad. Online sexy stuff should be used, ideally, for ENHANCING the marriage sex.

I guess i would suggest a all hands on deck attempt to jump start the sex/romance in the marriage again. Really start communicating, Really tell wife your specific needs and how important they are to you. Maybe both of you read "the 5 love languages" and start talking each others language?

I am hoping this online woman is FAR away, like in Australia, because if she is near, OP is going to be tempted to meet her for coffee, or some other such foolishness.


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