# I cheated on my wife!



## rdaveiga (Sep 21, 2011)

My wife and I started dating a little over two years ago. We have been though a lot in such a short time but we were always able to work passed it. However there are some major issues now and we're trying to work pass but it is hard on both of us. We originally started dating in September 2009, the first major issue was in February 2010 this is when I cheated on my wife(girlfriend at the time) the first two times. Both times we were drinking and got into a big argument in which she left and said she didn't want to be with me(not that it makes it any better). Both times I ended up cheating on her with my son's mom. We talked got over it, or so I thought recently it is coming back up. In December 2010 she cheated on me with her ex. I basically felt I was owed that so, it wasn't that big of a issue to me. We ultimately got married on February 12, 2011. Things were great for the first few months, then in June 2011 we moved in to a new place with her cousin. We drank a lot, almost every night. June was the worst month of my life and I'm the only one to blame for it. We argued a lot in June, we got into a fight drunk, where I actually hit her. Also in June, I cheated on her with her cousin. We were drinking all night and her cousin came onto me and I didn't do anyhting to stop it, but I didn't have sex with her. That is when I stopped drinking as much. My wife tried to deal with it, but we got in an argument in the beginning of September in which I foolishly through it in her face. Now understandably she doesn't trust me, has low self esteem, is easily irritated. I love her so much and I don't feel I am a bad person, I just made some really horrible mistakes. I would litterally give anything to be able to go back and change what I have done to hurt her. It's weird becasue I have been in relationships where I didn't make those mistakes still I would rather be with my wife. Our highs are so high and our lows are so low. But I love her more than any woman I have ever met, and just want to get the lows out of our marriage. I know I will never ever come close to do anything I have done in the passed again, but she doesn't know that, that's what is hurting her and her hurting is what is killing me any advice is appreciated.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You will get more responses if you copy/paste your thread into the Coping with Infidelity section here on the forum.

I say you guys need to terminate this relationship. Did you ever love you wife? You hit her!!! That is major! You need to get counselling to help you deal with anger management as well as alcohol/substance abuse. You cheated on her with your son's mom two times and then with her own relative and coldly threw it in her face! And she also cheated on you during these overlapping cheats. 

Wow.

There is no respect in this relationship. This is way too much drama for only being together for two years now.


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## rdaveiga (Sep 21, 2011)

Yes I love my wife, I don't have anger problems. I had a drinking problem as to the frequency and quanity I drank. Now I dont, I have drank maybe 5 times in the last 2 and a half months. None of those 5 times were anything close to the times all the bad things happened.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

The two identical threads have now been merged into one. As per forum rules, please do not post duplicate threads. Thanks!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RDA--you do have anger problems if you are hitting your wife.

That is no ok under any circumstance. Ever.

Denial = no good.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You know, I never really believed in the "I'm not a bad person, I've just made a bunch of mistakes" line.

One mistake, or maybe even two, okay. But if you keep making mistakes over and over, maybe you aren't as good a person as you claim to be.

I'm not saying you are a bad guy, but you need to look deep into the mirror and get truthful with yourself, who you have been, and see if you can really change. Otherwise, this stuff is just going to keep happening, to the detriment of all involved.


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## rdaveiga (Sep 21, 2011)

I am not "hitting" my wife, I hit her. I never hit any woman before that or since.


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## rdaveiga (Sep 21, 2011)

Gabriel - I know what your saying but all these instances happened well I was drinking, which I can not drink. Drinking is not important to me at all.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Glad you have recognized that drinking has caused this. Stay sober and good luck.


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## rdaveiga (Sep 21, 2011)

thank you


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My husband put his hands on me ONCE. I called the police, so that he knew that I would not allow such things. After being beaten my whole life, I'll be damned if some man is going to subject me to *more *abuse! 

He took court mandated therapy and was able to return home after a month, due to a no contact order. I told my husband that I will forgive him for making that ONE mistake, but any more violence would lead to divorce.

That was in 2008. No more hitting, because I scared him straight. :smthumbup:

Couples CAN go on to have a healthy and happy marriage after abusive incidents. The abuser needs to be willing to seek help and implement changes. The abused needs to stand up for her/himself and set limits.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

rdaveiga said:


> thank you


If you are truly sober, don't you have to stop drinking completely? That is what I know about addictions, but maybe you have been given a different definition of sobriety. 

Are you receiving any help to stay sober?


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## rdaveiga (Sep 21, 2011)

I dont need help to be sober, I can be around alcohol and not have the urge to drink. Yes I've had a few drinks since all this happened but those times I just had a few drinks. When the bad things happened were typically after 5-6 hours of steady drinking of liquor. Right now I don't care to drink at all, because it has caused nothing but stress in the long run.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How can we help you?


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## rdaveiga (Sep 21, 2011)

IDK? Someone maybe has been through a similar situation and got through it? How? I know I love her and want to be with her. I know she loves me and wants to be with me. We just need to know how to deal with it.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Maybe counseling?


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

What you are going through isn't unique. You are not a monster but you definitely have some issues within yourself that you need to work on. I have been through many of the things you listed. I don't know if staying together would be healthy for her because she has been abused and has had to deal with cheating which is abuse as well....the very best you can do is change. Go to counselling and avoid alcohol (perhaps only drink socially and not too much) own up to your mistakes and be honest with her going forward. Listen to her and be patient with her when she is irritable and hope for the best. That is truly all you can do for her at this point, the rest is out of your hands and if you love her as much as you claim you have to be prepared for that as well especially if she decides to leave you in the future (you never know what she is thinking)...hope things work out for both of you.


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## rdaveiga (Sep 21, 2011)

Romeo_Holden said:


> What you are going through isn't unique. You are not a monster but you definitely have some issues within yourself that you need to work on. I have been through many of the things you listed. I don't know if staying together would be healthy for her because she has been abused and has had to deal with cheating which is abuse as well....the very best you can do is change. Go to counselling and avoid alcohol (perhaps only drink socially and not too much) own up to your mistakes and be honest with her going forward. Listen to her and be patient with her when she is irritable and hope for the best. That is truly all you can do for her at this point, the rest is out of your hands and if you love her as much as you claim you have to be prepared for that as well especially if she decides to leave you in the future (you never know what she is thinking)...hope things work out for both of you.


Probaly the best advice I ever received. I do love her and want her to be happy even if it's not with me. I know I've made terrible mistakes and I know that will not happen agian. Counseling would definantly help because now I hate myself for what I have done.


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

I seriously think I just read my history. My husband also cheated when we dated. No problem there. We we're kids it happens, no commitment. I can easily forgive that. He also hit me once after we were married only once. But it was completely my fault I was drinking and said something horrible and would have hit anyone that sAid that to me. There was nothing to forgive there I was the one needing forgiveness. But he cheated after we were married supposedly no sex also but still the same. HE CHEATED!!! It killed me and still does. I still have many unanswered questions because it was years ago and I only found out after posing as him on FB and getting information to confront him. Its been six months since I discovered and the hurt still kills me. I love him very much and don't want him to have a life sentence. But I wish I had better explanation to why. You say you love her so why did you cheat? (My biggest question) his answer was thrill of not getting caught. (You need to read my post to understand husband admitted to ONS then said he only kissed her). All I can said is be genuine listen to her, be open and honest, most of all be kind, be very open to her questions, never get angry at her when she has questions, you may feel she giving you a life sentence for a while but you need to sit back and remember YOU did this. Her heart is broken I know the feeling. You need to check in with her be where you ay you are going to be. If you are running late, let her know, Don't let haer imagination run wild. The thoughts of you with someone else is haunting. And it creeps in at any giving time. Everything she had and treasured is lost. Trust, love, commitment, all gone. Remember she may forgive you but, she will never forget. Hang in there and if you truely do love her do what ever it takes to help her heal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rdaveiga (Sep 21, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear that, I wouldn't wish anyone to go through what I put her through. I ask myself over and over what was I thinking. I was super drunk to the point where I could barely stand up and I know that is no excuse. Her cousin came on to me and I aloud it to happen. It was only a few moments but the hurt it caused may last for the rest of our lives. I mean I nearly committed suicide(please don't report this I'm over that stage) because I hated myself for hurting this woman that I am suppose to always be there for, be loyal, faithful and good to, and I wasn't. She literally saved my life I was less than 15 seconds from being dead. I still hate myself for it not to that extent, I know what I am feeling is no where near as bad as she feels, but Its hard for me to deal with the fact she feels that way becasue of me being selfish and just plain stupid.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

cowgirl70 said:


> I seriously think I just read my history. My husband also cheated when we dated. No problem there. We we're kids it happens, no commitment. I can easily forgive that. He also hit me once after we were married only once. *But it was completely my fault I was drinking and said something horrible and would have hit anyone that sAid that to me.* There was nothing to forgive there I was the one needing forgiveness. But he cheated after we were married supposedly no sex also but still the same. HE CHEATED!!! It killed me and still does. I still have many unanswered questions because it was years ago and I only found out after posing as him on FB and getting information to confront him. Its been six months since I discovered and the hurt still kills me. I love him very much and don't want him to have a life sentence. But I wish I had better explanation to why. You say you love her so why did you cheat? (My biggest question) his answer was thrill of not getting caught. (You need to read my post to understand husband admitted to ONS then said he only kissed her). All I can said is be genuine listen to her, be open and honest, most of all be kind, be very open to her questions, never get angry at her when she has questions, you may feel she giving you a life sentence for a while but you need to sit back and remember YOU did this. Her heart is broken I know the feeling. You need to check in with her be where you ay you are going to be. If you are running late, let her know, Don't let haer imagination run wild. The thoughts of you with someone else is haunting. And it creeps in at any giving time. Everything she had and treasured is lost. Trust, love, commitment, all gone. Remember she may forgive you but, she will never forget. Hang in there and if you truely do love her do what ever it takes to help her heal.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why on earth would you blame yourself for being hit? As long as you did not assault him physically, your husband has no right to hit you. Sounds like he has you well trained; "you made me hit you."  So sad.


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

The OW came on to my husband too and I thought she was a friend. You need to put yourself in her shoes and treat her how you would want to be treated if the situation is reversed. I was just trying to get you to understand how she feels and how you can help her through it. You need to help her heal along with yourself. I decided when I found out that my H cheated that he made a mistake and I wasn't going to throw away all of the good we had for. One mistake. You don't junk a perfectly good car because the alternater went out on you once, you do what you need to do fix it. A mechanic, but in our case counseling. If you have issues with the counselor find a new one and keep searching untill you find the one you both like. Like I said before be honest and love her. She needs to know that you do love her. Little things can go a long way. A kiss in the morning, cooking her a meal, a sweet text telling her how special she is, helping her with houSe work or a project. You are starting from scratch again so it is like dating someone new, she isn't that same person and neither are you so you need to find away to fall back in love again. I know it can happen. I still have insecure issues and trust issues probaply will for a long time. But you need to love yourself also in order to heal. You have acknowledged what you did so that is huge. Keep youR chin up and wake up every morning with the attitude of what can I do today to make my wifes life better. Sorry for rambling on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

One little question. How does she feel about her cousin?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> Why on earth would you blame yourself for being hit? As long as you did not assault him physically, your husband has no right to hit you. Sounds like he has you well trained; "you made me hit you."  So sad.


how many articles would you find online where men are blamed for women cheating on them? Isn't that sad??physical abuse is terrible but so is emotional and verbal abuse let's not act like one is better than the other here because to me that's BS , the world is not perfect and humans are not perfect either I don't condone abuse but you weren't there you don't know what happened that led to that situation. Abuse of any kind is never ok...and I am sure you are no saint either. go talk to the millions of males who get abused by their wives and have no support system to help them.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Romeo_Holden said:


> how many articles would you find online where men are blamed for women cheating on them? .



Probably the same amount of articles that blame women when men cheat on them. "If you did X, your man would be happy and he wouldn't even think about going to someone else." 




Romeo_Holden said:


> I don't condone abuse but you weren't there you don't know what happened that led to that situation. Abuse of any kind is never ok...and I am sure you are no saint either.


Nobody deserves to be abused. Ever. Just because you "weren't there" doesn't mean the abuse happened. 

Blaming victims is not the answer.


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Probably the same amount of articles that blame women when men cheat on them. "If you did X, your man would be happy and he wouldn't even think about going to someone else."
> 
> 
> nonsense , that line is not taken seriously by anyone when a man cheats he is a pig when a woman does it she is seen as a victim of emotional neglect, it is not the same amount not by a long shot.
> ...


generalizing is not the answer either no one is blaming the victim although I figured that's the first thing you will try and say I simply said do not generalize...since no one is perfect. in my opinion one form of abuse is just as bad as another.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I wasn't generalizing. Just because a party wasn't there when someone was abused or cheated on doesn't mean it did not happen. Whethere someone is a "saint" or not does not make abuse ok. 

And women and men get blamed alike for their spouses cheating not them which is utter BS. It's not gender-specific.


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I wasn't generalizing. Just because a party wasn't there when someone was abused or cheated on doesn't mean it did not happen. Whethere someone is a "saint" or not does not make abuse ok.
> 
> And women and men get blamed alike for their spouses cheating not them which is utter BS. It's not gender-specific.


no its very gender specific I got a lot of data on the subject as well I could email it you if you want. you don't have to believe me but I know what I talking about here. No one said anything about abuse been ok.


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> Why on earth would you blame yourself for being hit? As long as you did not assault him physically, your husband has no right to hit you. Sounds like he has you well trained; "you made me hit you."  So sad.


I agree 100 percent, no I am not well trained. I also have no right to hit him it isn't a double standard. He has never laid a hand or even thought of it untill that one time. I was not beat it was a hit and I pushed him to that point I am not saying it was right or defending him all I am saying is I would have done the same and probably much worse. I am NOT a battered wife in fact and am not making excuses for him. Thank you for being concerned I guess I should have explained better but it was kinda like ya mess with the bull you may get the horns. He was defending himself. Oh and I have never hit him again either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> Why on earth would you blame yourself for being hit? As long as you did not assault him physically, your husband has no right to hit you. Sounds like he has you well trained; "you made me hit you."  So sad.



Even IF you assaulted him physically, he had no right to hit you. I have never hit a woman, even though my stbxw has said some very horrible things AND physically assaulted me on several occassions. I have also taught my son from a small age to never hit a girl. Even when his older sisters would do something and he would hit them (even before he was big enough to even hurt them), he would get in trouble. There is no excuse for a man to hit a woman. In my opinion.


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Even IF you assaulted him physically, he had no right to hit you. I have never hit a woman, even though my stbxw has said some very horrible things AND physically assaulted me on several occassions. I have also taught my son from a small age to never hit a girl. Even when his older sisters would do something and he would hit them (even before he was big enough to even hurt them), he would get in trouble. There is no excuse for a man to hit a woman. In my opinion.


there is no excuse for a woman to hit a man either , by accepting the abuse of your wife you probably taught him that a woman hitting a man is okay too. it is not okay for either party. its 2011 enough with the gender roles already.


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

Agreed he feels the same way! It was a bad situation he was put in a position he physically could not get out of other wise he would have left.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

If you love her like you say you do, show it by not drinking anymore and stop cheating on her..not too hard to figure out.


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## rdaveiga (Sep 21, 2011)

cowgirl70 said:


> One little question. How does she feel about her cousin?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



They haven't spoke since.


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## RJHT (Nov 18, 2010)

First off I have been in a similar situation with a boyfriend of long past but thankfully never married.

You don't LOVE your wife...if you did you wouldn't be cheating drinking or no drinking. With all the fighting your doing it is a destructive relationship that needs to be ended before someone really gets hurt!


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

rdaveiga said:


> They haven't spoke since.


Good she is just as much at fault
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rdaveiga (Sep 21, 2011)

RJHT said:


> First off I have been in a similar situation with a boyfriend of long past but thankfully never married.
> 
> You don't LOVE your wife...if you did you wouldn't be cheating drinking or no drinking. With all the fighting your doing it is a destructive relationship that needs to be ended before someone really gets hurt!


You dont know me, or I how I feel please don't assume that you do.


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

rdaveiga said:


> You dont know me, or I how I feel please don't assume that you do.


I beleve you do love your wife! You sound very remorseful And that is good you screwed up and have admitted to it. The best thing to do is keep loving her. That is what she wants and needs. Like I said she may forgive you but will never forget be patient with her. Good luck! Keep us posted I hope it all works out for both of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rdaveiga (Sep 21, 2011)

cowgirl70 said:


> I beleve you do love your wife! You sound very remorseful And that is good you screwed up and have admitted to it. The best thing to do is keep loving her. That is what she wants and needs. Like I said she may forgive you but will never forget be patient with her. Good luck! Keep us posted I hope it all works out for both of you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks, that's what I am going to keep doing. All I have now is hope, and that is what I am hanging on to. Even if there is only 0.000001% chance of things ever getting better. I will always LOVE her, be here to support her with anything she needs.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Any adult who hits another person, regardless of their gender, should prepare themselves for the victim to strike back. It is called self defence.

So what if I am "no saint"? My behaviour has *nothing *to do with a man who hits his wife. We can only assume that the incident occured, because cowgirl mentioned it. 


RomeoHolden has very faulty logic.


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

We were both at fault no doubt. It was many years ago. We were young and VERY DUMB! Never had a problem since.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

I should say never had any physical problems since
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> Any adult who hits another person, regardless of their gender, should prepare themselves for the victim to strike back. It is called self defence.
> 
> So what if I am "no saint"? My behaviour has *nothing *to do with a man who hits his wife. We can only assume that the incident occured, because cowgirl mentioned it.
> 
> ...


I never said self defense was not justified I simply said all forms of abuse are bad not just one and should be viewed the same way....my logic is far from faulty, your interpretation of my logic is faulty.


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

Rd, why did you cheat on her???? Was her cousin attractive??? What was the reason you did???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Even IF you assaulted him physically, he had no right to hit you. I have never hit a woman, even though my stbxw has said some very horrible things AND physically assaulted me on several occassions. I have also taught my son from a small age to never hit a girl. *Even when his older sisters would do something and he would hit them (even before he was big enough to even hurt them), he would get in trouble*. There is no excuse for a man to hit a woman. In my opinion.


So your son would get into trouble by hitting his sisters, _what did his sisters do to him?_

You can't just teach a girl they can do _anything_ they want to and not suffer any consequences for their actions, if his sisters didn't get into trouble for what they did to your son, _then *you're wrong* for not teaching his sisters to not to cause trouble to others_

Many people wonder why a woman can destroy a man, but suffer no penalty for what they've done! Obviously, they've been taught they can with impunity! Just my take.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

You need to put down the bottle, mate. You notice every time something bad happens, it was when you (and often her) were drunk? Yeah... that right there is a pattern that, if you let it go, will just get worse and worse in your life. I mean you even HIT her when you were off your face.

Sounds like you are a budding alcoholic. This is where it all starts, my friend. And you also have some obvious "not able to resist temptation" things going on, ie the ladies that come onto you but you have no self control to stop it. Impulse issues that are affecting all of your relationship and your life.

I would say have a separation with your wife. Make a plan. Get yourself into detox (sounds like you need it) and then a well-established rehab, and then do not contact her until you have at least 5 months of sobriety under your belt. I assure you that you will see your marriage with new eyes. And only with your alcoholism under control can you tackle the other problems in your life, such as impulsivity and any underlying issues that caused your alcoholism in the first place.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

I think that you should get some help for your drinking problem, your anger problem, and your conflict resolution skills.

You may love her, but what you've put her through is not okay at all. It's completely understandable that she wouldn't want to be treated with disrespect by you any longer.

Let her go so that she can heal with someone else. 

Go make yourself a better person so that one day you can offer a good you instead of this other kind of troubled and dysfunctional you to another woman.


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