# Almost a year with no intimacy



## Confused_husband77 (Jul 20, 2013)

My wife and I have been married just over 4 years. In August she gave birth to our son. We have not been intimate since we found out she was pregnant. Just to make it clear she has not touched my penis since December, no sex, no handjob, no oral, nothing. For almost a year the only contact I have gotten is a single kiss before bed. I have tried to talk to her about it but nothing. 

I feel completely abandoned. When I have suggested we kiss more and I miss the making out we used to do I am told that married people don't do that. When her grandma told her about guys cheating due to no sex during pregnancy she laughed and said she knew someone who was not getting any. She keeps joking about how she does not want to even try to get pregnant again until our son is at least 9 months old, so there is no reason to have sex until then. 

I have not cheated and will not but I am not sure how long I can continue with the way things are. A kiss per day is not enough. I am starving for affection.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She doesn't think you're serious or that you'll take any action. Based on how long you've tolerated this, I question it too.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She said married people don't "do that" but y'all have been married four years and she's been playing the nun for only one year?


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Does she think sex is only for procreation?
What was your intimate life like before she got pregnant?


----------



## Confused_husband77 (Jul 20, 2013)

Intimacy has never been as much as I would have liked but it was there. We had sex a 3-4 times a month normally, but since she found out she was pregnant absolutely nothing. Its like she got pregnant and no longer had need for me sexually.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Married people don't do that? Is this for real? Are there really people who think like this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Confused_husband77 said:


> Intimacy has never been as much as I would have liked but it was there. We had sex a 3-4 times a month normally, but since she found out she was pregnant absolutely nothing. Its like she got pregnant and no longer had need for me sexually.


Or it's possible she got pregnant, considered the hook into you firmly and permanently set, and concluded there was little reason to care about your needs or even attempt to address them. You're not just missing sex, you're missing all forms of intimacy and affection. If she had no ring, no piece of paper, if someone had to judge her only from her actions, would anyone conclude that she was involved in a loving relationship with you?


----------



## Confused_husband77 (Jul 20, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Or it's possible she got pregnant, considered the hook into you firmly and permanently set, and concluded there was little reason to care about your needs or even attempt to address them. You're not just missing sex, you're missing all forms of intimacy and affection. If she had no ring, no piece of paper, if someone had to judge her only from her actions, would anyone conclude that she was involved in a loving relationship with you?


Probably not. She will not say I love you if someone might hear her. In public we do hold hands but that is it. In private I get yelled at if I squeeze her ass or touch her face. I am just at a loss for what to do. I love her, just can't handle this lack of affection.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

MC ASAP. Call her out on this in a safe enviornment. Resentment will build in you that might be too hard to repair the longer this goes on.


----------



## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

That sounds pretty familiar. For eah of our kids I suggested that we just have sexual every night around menstration. I thought 'yay finally an awesome sex fest!'. In my head I thought at least a weeks worth maybe even two. Instead she goes and buys a menstruation predictor. The package should have really been called 'get pregnant minimal sex required'. Then she gets pregnant - no sex. Then kid is born - sexlessness continues for months then the next thing you know you are begging to get it maybe six times a year. I once said - 'if it wasn't for me asking I doubt we'd ever have sex'. Her answer - 'probably' 

That's what you are in for. For some reason some spouses actually think they can foster a marriage without sex. It's insanity - she's even confident enough to boast that her husband can forget it and then laugh. Goes to show how much she cares about your needs. Eventually you will feel like a machine serving everyone else but yourself. You are only 4 years in - it usually does not get better - this person does not want sex.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Confused_husband77 said:


> Its like she got pregnant and no longer had need for me sexually.


Note: my ex tried to do this to me twice. The first child - sex was nonexistent during the pregnancy and I had to press the issue. The second time she tried to do the same but I handled it differently. And, I've heard every excuse imaginable.

So, you've already reached the answer on your own. It is not "like" she does not need you sexually, it IS she does not need you sexually. It would be different if she hit a slow spell after delivery. But, unless she had a really difficult pregnancy and recovery, there is no excuse.

This problem is rooted in (1) her peculiar sexual sensibilities and (2) her conviction that her perspective matters more than yours. Thus, there is not anything you could do for her to improve your sex life. In fact, if you were to suck up to her or be extra servile, that move likely will backfire by convincing her that you will tolerate this behavior. 

If you are determined to fix this issue, you must be ready to press the issue with your wife. You also must be ready to end this marriage. Your wife must know that this marriage as it is now is unacceptable to you, and you must communicate this with your words and actions. Whereas many people would find your wife's conduct terrible, you hooked up with a selfish person who must be dealt with accordingly.

Were I to find myself in this situation, I would tell my wife:

- I have had serious unmet needs in this relationship for some time.
- I made you aware of these ongoing needs and you ignore them.
- As a result, this marriage is barely tolerable now.
- You will not be in a sexless marriage. You will not be in a marriage where your needs do not matter.
- At a minimum, you need MC together so she can get some perspective on how a marriage should be. She also needs IC to deal with any sexual hangups she may have.
- You are not interested in strengthening ties to someone who treats you that way. There will no more children, no new homes - nothing to further tie you together until she has demonstrated that she is capable and willing to meet your needs over the long term.
- You would like very much for this marriage to work. But, if she declines to address these issues, you will conclude she is not interested in being married and you will move forward accordingly.

It seems harsh, but I think that as bad as she treats you (no sex, mocking your situation to others) you need to make a strong stand. She needs to make a decision; either she is 100% in the marriage or she is out - right now. Of course the problems can't be resolved that quickly, but it only takes an instant to decide to try. Do you want to be with anyone who needs time to decide if you are worth the effort?

The truth is unless she sees sex as beneficial to her, your sex life will not improve over the long term. That does not necessarily mean she lusts for you (although that would be optimal). It does mean she gets enough from sex where she intuitively understands that she gains from being with you. If she does it just to shut you up, she will continually try to minimize how much she provides, you won't be happy, and resentment will set in. Unfortunately, it's probable that she will not get to where she needs to be without professional help.

If, OTOH, staying married is a priority (at least for now), you really need to learn to live without it and be happy regardless. You don't want to continually discuss it, because it will not yield any lasting results. Note that you cannot avoid this issue forever - at some point she will want to have another child or do something else that requires a huge commitment from you. Unless you plan on capitulating to her for the rest of your life, you will have to address this issue sooner or later. It might as well be now.

I really would not even suggest cooling down the relationship (doing more for yourself and your child, less for her, creating some emotional distance) for you if staying married is a priority. For most people, that would be a warning sign that a change is needed. For your wife, it's likely that she would be insulted, consider it your fault, and probably tell you to shape up or leave if it kept up. Again, it's better to drive to that decision point now, since you'll have to do it eventually.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> Married people don't do that? Is this for real? Are there really people who think like this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was married to one. Her first pregnancy was sexless and she was b!tchy to boot. We did not have a protracted sexless period after because I did not let it happen.

She tried it a second time (after promising she would not). After a few months, she pushed too far and I kicked her out (and waited until she asked to come back home). I earned her respect, and she learned a lesson

Not that I'm bragging, but just conveying information. Such people do exist, they are essentially selfish people who have no problem imposing themselves on others to get their way, and you need to be equally strong in dealing with them.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Confused_husband77 said:


> When her grandma told her about guys cheating due to no sex during pregnancy she laughed and said she knew someone who was not getting any. She keeps joking about how she does not want to even try to get pregnant again until our son is at least 9 months old, so there is no reason to have sex until then.
> .


sorry man, it sounds pretty frigin hopeless. do NOT have another kid with this byatch. 

I am afraid it is very over. You were bait and switched. She wanted a kid, and fooled you into thinking she actually loved you just long enough to have the kid.

The big clue was when she would not get laid during pregnancy. there is no reason to stop sex. You should have demanded sex, or dumped her back then. now she thinks of you as some sort of slave to ridicule to your inlaws.

very cold


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

wow, there are a bunch of these similar threads here! 

i guess the problem has to be nipped right at the first sign you are headed to a sexless marriage. If she just got pregnant, talk to her about an abortion and you leaving. if she is not pregnant yet, you really need to start using a condom for any sex...you do not want a kid screwing up you leaving a short term relationship like that.

If there is already a kid...its a little harder. you have a long term commitment now with a monster for a wife. And raising up a kid single handedly is a very hard thing to do in today's society. AND many of the posters in this situation say "she is a most devoted and awesome mother....just i have not had sex in X years...". So, since the marriage contract is soooo F-ed up at that point, just let her be mom, raise the kid till it is 20 or so, have NO MORE KIDS, and find a nice partner to cheat with to get your sex. In this unique case, i do not see a moral dilemma in cheating--since she already cheated you out of a normal life and marriage. Its like her new spouse is the kid, not you, and she is loyal to her new "spouse".

Gawd, what a screwed up situation. Wish we could somehow contact the men and give them the warning to look for signs of this type of woman. BUT they do not come here for advise until long after the trap has been sprung.


----------



## GrannyMildew (Aug 15, 2013)

WOW! I totally agree with DTO. You MUST put your foot down and enlighten her to the consequences of living this way. And as far as a second child? I DON'T THINK SO!

There mus have been something in the water of my 3 daughters generation, because to the best of my knowledge, my generation was raised knowing that when we married, there were expectations, and we were to meet those expectations enthusiastically.

I agree, to getting her into MC sooner rather than later as a condition of staying and working on things. If not, you have some major life choices to make, but remember that children do better in a happily divorced situation, rather than in an unhappy marriage. And above all, take precautions of your own to insure you are not trapped with another child in an already unhappy marriage. 

Life IS too short to live like this. Just something to think about, because it's not magically going to get any better by itself. Not with an attitude like hers.

Above all though, you MUST start putting your foot down and stop being her doormat. I am sorry if it is harsh, but it is necessary.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

For her the only purpose of sex is to have a baby.

You have to give her more than one reason to have sex. And that reason MUST BE to keep her marriage to you. Before you make this proclamation, make sure that what you bring to the table is worth keeping.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

a song for your terrible plight:

Ace Of Base - All That She Wants [HD] - YouTube


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

DTO said:


> I was married to one. Her first pregnancy was sexless and she was b!tchy to boot. We did not have a protracted sexless period after because I did not let it happen.
> 
> She tried it a second time (after promising she would not). After a few months, she pushed too far and I kicked her out (and waited until she asked to come back home). I earned her respect, and she learned a lesson
> 
> Not that I'm bragging, but just conveying information. Such people do exist, they are essentially selfish people who have no problem imposing themselves on others to get their way, and you need to be equally strong in dealing with them.



I understand. It's just hard for me to believe that anyone really thinks that married people don't have sex. I can believe that a married person could think that THEY don't have sex, but married people in general? That's tough to wrap myself around.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I understand. It's just hard for me to believe that anyone really thinks that married people don't have sex. I can believe that a married person could think that THEY don't have sex, but married people in general? That's tough to wrap myself around.


i could see if she was brought up in some sort of ultrareligious sect as a teen...maybe. But for normal people, she sounds bat sh*t crazy. Even her own grandma was politely trying to tell her that!


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> i could see if she was brought up in some sort of ultrareligious sect as a teen...maybe. But for normal people, she sounds bat sh*t crazy. Even her own grandma was politely trying to tell her that!


Yeah, when your grandma is telling you you're frigid you've got issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

I'm going to echo KendalMintcake and say that this is eerily familiar. It she's anything at all like my wife was/is, she obviously doesn't "Get It" and I doubt very much if anything other than a major life changer is going to get through to her.

Does she understand what an absolute, unequivocal deal breaker this is? If not, why?


----------



## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

It will not get any better, trust me. We've been married almost a dozen years, and we've had sex three times in almost four years. Occasionally she'll make noise that we should have sex, but that's immediately followed by complaints about being tired, having a headache, etc.


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Confused_husband77 said:


> Probably not. She will not say I love you if someone might hear her. In public we do hold hands but that is it. In private I get yelled at if I squeeze her ass or touch her face. I am just at a loss for what to do. I love her, just can't handle this lack of affection.


Why do you love somebody who treats you like garbage?


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"I am told that married people don't do that."

I highly doubt that she really believes that. It's an excuse.
And she can probably bring forward anecdotal evidence of her friends and acquaintances who say they don't have sex. But they know better.

I also find alarming (and weak) many excuses on these boards made for wives or husbands who "but they are such good mothers (fathers)". Yes, but they are lousy wives and husbands who deny one of the most fundamental roles of marriage.


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Does this have anything to do with her religious beliefs? When you say you talk about it but "nothing" what do you mean? What does she say? I certainly do understand the fear of getting pg again and that is a real fear and it keeps you from wanting to have sex. Could there be something more going on here? Has she mentioned being tired? Is she feeling depressed or does she not feel attractive after having the baby? All those also make a difference.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

jorgegene said:


> "I am told that married people don't do that."
> 
> I highly doubt that she really believes that. It's an excuse.
> And she can probably bring forward anecdotal evidence of her friends and acquaintances who say they don't have sex. But they know better.
> ...


Nobody takes marriage vows to be a great father or mother. The job is "husband" or "wife". I will submit a woman who is married but won't be a wife is a damned lousy mother. Maybe she feeds the kids, dresses them nicely, but she's also teaching them selfishness, that it's ok to exploit those you purport to care for, that commitment is meaningless, vows are temporary, love is conditional. A man who abuses, exploits, or neglects his wife isn't a great father. Whether their mother or their father is your cup of tea or not, one can't treat either parent of a kid poorly and imagine they are not also abusing that kid. The person you openly despise constitutes half of who that child is. 
If you're married, the best thing you can do for a kid is to love their mom or dad. That's security for a kid and it increases their odds of future success in practically every way.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Look,, if filing for divorce doesn't work, nothing will.
That's why going through the process of divorcing (process, not event) is good maritial advice. Becuase you will find out it was fixable or it was unfixable, and if the latter you can start over with someone else.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You got lied to ...she conned you!

Unless she told you that this was how it was going to be before you got married then she pulled a con and now thinks she can emotionally black mail you into excepting her terms cuz she now has your kid.

From were I'm sitting it looks like your old lady thinks she has your balls in her purse......This kind of thinking tells me she has little respect for you and in time she will manipulate you into being her house husband will she goes and finds some bad boy on one of her girls night out.

Sure I'm no fortune teller but this kind of senerio happens more times then not.....especially when a spouse has so little respect for their SO.

The lack of respect your wife has for you will grow and a hand full of years from now you will be in the copping with infidelity section of this forum.

At the end of the day your old lady has a sh1tty way of showing you love and I think you are setting your self up for more of the same.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

badsanta said:


> While I heard this from a church group and DON'T completely agree with it, it does help put things in a new perspective:
> 
> "As a parent we clean are care for our children, even when they make things messy and it gives us joy and purpose. We care for them with love. You should also be able to do the same for your spouse."
> 
> Unfortunately to me that puts men in the same category as needing a diaper change or something of that nature, but I think the point is also that in order to care for a child, the parents must also care for each other.


A baby requires parents to tend to certain needs because the baby can't tend to them herself and she can't pick up the phone and call someone else. A man is certainly able to tend to his own sexual release. Willing partners are abundantly available. He is morally and legally obligated to turn to only one human on earth. If the person who has accepted that position turns out to be a fraud, he is left with three undesirable choices. He can leave her, his kids, his home, and put all concerned in poverty. He can go outside the marriage and risk all the drama that entails. He can continue to exist as an incomplete half-person.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

In her eyes your job is done. She got pregnant so there is no need to touch you until such time she decides she wants baby number 2.

Whats really sad though is that you have tolerated this foul behavour for way too long.


----------



## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

Well Confused, I am dumbfounded to say the least. I don't care if someone is religious (wife and I are) or not, sex was there in the marriage initially and sex sustains it! End of discussion.

If you do not grow a pair and tell her what she needs to do for you then hand her the divorce papers and wish her luck. If she wants another child she can do it without your involvement and support.

Sex has been a part of our marriage for a very long time and I would not tolerate a situation such as yours and ----- you should not either! Good luck.


----------



## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

It is important to realize that the OP - based upon what he writes - is caught up first and foremost in a situation that because of his wife's reluctance to discuss - and/or - her unwillingness to even look into why this is a problem in the marriage...he is spinning.

It is MOST painful when your spouse does not even engage in a meaningful dialog about this VERY important issue. I agree that he went down a bad path when he simply accepted it for so long. BUT "nice guys" are reticent to risk appearing to make "too" big a deal about it at first (or ever) as ultimately (as he states0he does NOT want a wife who just checks the sex box off and spreads her legs...he wants an ACTIVE partner and (while he cannot control this) one who truly enjoys the sex together and gains satisfaction from it.

There can be a LOT of reasons why she does not. Aversion, self esteem, family of origin issues, past abuse, etc...
BUT - she truly OWES him a meaningful dialog.

Many here are suggesting that the act of filing for divorce is necessary to "wake her up". I am of 2 minds on this.
First, that may in fact work to showcase how serious an issue this is to him and how important sex in his life is.
BUT...the OP needs to be absolutely SURE that he is prepared for the result.
IF she is not having sex for any of the above - she will be also forced to see if the aversion, et al....is something she wants to even FACE...or if the problem/pain is even GREATER than her want to be married to you.

It seems - from her suggestion that you simply "go elsewhere" ...for sex...that she indeed DOES realize its importance to you.
It also ...may be in indication ...that whatever the reason is that she is not into sex....may be a bigger issue than you may know.
AND...bigger than she is prepared to even deal with....

Wishing you so much that there is a path on this with your wife.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

nightmoves8 said:


> It seems - from her suggestion that you simply "go elsewhere" ...for sex...that she indeed DOES realize its importance to you.
> It also ...may be in indication ...that whatever the reason is that she is not into sex....may be a bigger issue than you may know.
> AND...bigger than she is prepared to even deal with....


that could mean a lot of things:

she is truly LD, can not spark her libido despite trying, feels your pain and is so sorry that she is willing to give you a hall pass, despite it breaking her heart.

On the other hand, she may have 2 other ****buddies with bigger penises than you, and you are just a meal ticket for her at this point. She would not dream of cheating on her REAL sex partner(s) with you.

YOU have to figure which of the above it is before you act!


----------



## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Jorgegene, totally agree. Unless she is mentally unstable, I think she doesn't actually believe that.

-seahorse



jorgegene said:


> "I am told that married people don't do that."
> 
> I highly doubt that she really believes that. It's an excuse.
> And she can probably bring forward anecdotal evidence of her friends and acquaintances who say they don't have sex. But they know better.
> ...


----------

