# Sex after affair recovery hiccup



## tiredandworn (Jul 9, 2013)

I normally never utilize sites like these but currently I am in desperate need of advice and/or assurance and can't seem to find answers or books or anything else that deal with the current issue I find myself in.

To spare you an overly lengthy explanation I'll endeavor to keep things short and to the point, and if needs be fill in any details for responders later.

A year ago yesterday I learned that my husband cheated on me. He had three separate sexual encounters over the span of roughly 3 years with a woman I had thought was my friend. From his first act of infidelity to revelation it was almost 8 years. 8 years that he hid it from me and lied to me about our life together.

I was floored, went on the whole roller coaster ride and all, but decided to stay with him. We even got remarried. We undertook an international move, made a new home together, fought the fights we needed to side by side and things were going GREAT! Sex was phenomenal, the honeymoon feeling was returning, I was falling in love with him again, and life was GREAT!

Then in April I came across something and found out he was looking at porn. I had thought the porn addiction was something he had stopped even before he confessed his infidelity. What made matters worse was that he had been hiding it. In this time where we were being very open and honest, had sworn to not keep secrets or hide our struggles in this situation we were making it through he hid it, kept it secret, and when he talked about his struggles he was vague and never just honest and forthright about what was going on.

The porn is not something he confessed on his own, like his adultery. I found out about this on my own. It floored me all over again. Here we were supposed to be building a new marriage, sex was frequent and mind blowing, and he was seeking to look at other women! So much for him regretting ever letting his eyes go astray. And I believe that porn was a major gateway to his infidelity in the first place.

Even though I considered leaving him I opted to stay, mainly for the sake of my children. We have been trying to work through it and I've been trying my heart out, but this time it seems so much harder. While things have mostly leveled out at home (I can't say I really trust him at all and find it harder than even after revelation to rebuild that trust, and other things like trust that have to recover) things in the bedroom aren't great.

I just don't find myself sexually attracted to my husband at all now. I don't know if when he's looking at me he's desiring ME or if I'm just convenient. I can't believe a word he says at this point so verbal assurances don't really make me feel any better. There's been intimacy but only recently have I been able to allow such without managing to clench my fists and try to bare it. There has been no actual sex, a lot of foreplay but most of the time that makes me feel used and dirty. Not that he's doing crass things in bed or not taking enough time on me... that's not why I feel used and dirty.

Fact is, I'm not entirely sure why I feel this way in the midst of it all and afterwards. I don't know that if we just took it all the way and had sex if I'd feel any better.

And all of this just takes me back to that post affair revelation roller coaster of feeling crazy.

I'm crushed that what we were rebuilding, what was so good came toppling down, and while there's been a measure of bounce back since April it's been nothing like the amazing recovery we experienced between last July and April before I caught him with his porn. I've almost just begun to loose hope that it could ever be like that again and that sex will ever again be mind blowing, which is really depressing.

I don't know if anyone else experienced hiccups in affair recovery and has been where I'm at, but I sure could use advice if there's anyone out there that has gone through what I'm going through now.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

When you say 'looking at porn' what do you mean exactly? Is he just looking at pictures/videos? Or does he use one on one chat sites?

And why did you throw the word addiction in there? Pretty much every male ever born will or has looked at naked women. There's nothing abnormal about that. Looking at porn does NOT equal an addiction.


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## tiredandworn (Jul 9, 2013)

When I used the word porn I meant pictures and digital mods for video games so that he could use highly graphic erotic content in one of his games.

And addiction is a highly accurate term. His behavior with such and his draw to such falls well and easily within the defined bounds of porn addiction. He admits it's an addiction. When you have a willing wife in the house, and I was in the house most if not all of the times he was engaging in this, but he chose instead to look at that! And if there is nothing wrong with it why try to hide it and cover it up.

Additonally, there are religious beliefs in play here in our household held by the both of us.

I will add that in April when I found out about this he put on accountability software on his computer and tablet on his own volition and asked me to change the password to my computer.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I understand that you have trust issues with your husband, stemming from the infidelity. If you were expecting total transparency from him, I understand that the "hiding" of porn use would cause you concern.

But I don't agree with you that porn use is an indicator of future infidelity. It pales in comparison with an actual EA or a PA. It's at worse, a vice - not withstanding your religious point of view.

Sure, porn "addictions" can cause other problems; if because of it he is denying you sex; but that's not what I read from you.

I would never condone his cheating or his subsequent lack of transparency, but I think you might be over reacting a bit about the porn itself.

Just my two cents.


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## tiredandworn (Jul 9, 2013)

The focus is not the porn. Not really here to debate the morality of porn. The focus is the breaking of trust and the focus of his attention and where he's putting that after having confessed to an affair and claimed many things in relation to being sorry for not only the affair but having turned his attention elsewhere.

I'm really seeking advice from other people that have lived through an affair and had sexual hiccups caused by things after the affair came out. Things that were done that hurt them and dampened their sexual inclination in bed because those actions (or lack of action) came too close to the issue of the affair or issues surrounding the affair.

If nobody has an advice I can accept that and will instead drag this matter to counseling.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

You mentioned religion, porn and sex.. Unfortunately Religion don't mix well with those 2.

I can't see how your husband can hold such religious beliefs and then have a long term affair. 

I have issues with digital video game "porn" since it is NOT a real person.. it a cartoon graphic.. It does constitute pornography by the definition. But if I am gonna get caught looking at porn its gonna be a real woman and not some game.

Let ask you what exactly does this mod do to the game ? Does it allow him to have sex ? Does it allow him to degrade women in some way ? 

What fantasy is this allowing for him ?

Didn't hear you once mention Marriage Counseling or Therapy.

Do you think that maybe he really, really, isn't into these religious beliefs or not at least as much as you are ?

I am not trying to get all into your sexual business, but ( you knew it was coming ) maybe this other woman is not so religious either and does things that you might not consider doing because of your religious beliefs ?

As an example, the one thing positive I can say about my STBXW is she wasn't shy in the bedroom and I never heard the words *"No I won't do that"* come out of her mouth. 

I don't know if your that type of person. Again we are all big boys and girls here. But maybe he wants oral and you won't do it. Or maybe he wants to give you oral and you don't want it. 

Trust me I am NOT trying to be crass or vulgar. But to me when I hear religion pop in the same post with sex it makes me cringe and it puts me in this mind set. Especially when you classify cartoon images as porn. 

Like the song goes freak in the bedroom, lady in the street.

Rhetorical statement, How much sex do you have ? Once a week, twice, three times ?

Is it just missionary and bam your done ? 

If you just winched at reading this and are saying OMG then that could be the problem.

If you feel uncomfortable talking about it I understand. There are TONS of articles online and tons of books.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

tiredandworn said:


> The focus is not the porn. Not really here to debate the morality of porn. The focus is the breaking of trust and the focus of his attention and where he's putting that after having confessed to an affair and claimed many things in relation to being sorry for not only the affair but having turned his attention elsewhere.
> 
> I'm really seeking advice from other people that have lived through an affair and had sexual hiccups caused by things after the affair came out. Things that were done that hurt them and dampened their sexual inclination in bed because those actions (or lack of action) came too close to the issue of the affair or issues surrounding the affair.
> 
> If nobody has an advice I can accept that and will instead drag this matter to counseling.


Tired,

I am a BS in R. But I'm also a male. You say that porn is not the issue itself, but I see it differently. If it weren't, I don't think you would be this upset about it. If he had hidden that he was smoking or drinking or gambling, would you feel the same way? 

Porn has to do with sex, so perhaps it's triggering you to think about what he did with the other woman. That's understandable. Combine that with the deceit of hiding it, and it's a double trigger. It's easy to see how that could affect your sex life and trust.

If you think that may be true, talk to him about it so that he understands that it's not so much about the vice, but the triggers it produces. Talk about it in counseling if you can. If he doesn't respond appropriately and/or continues to watch it; then you've got a non-remorseful spouse on your hands - and that's a bigger problem.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

You have *chosen* to trash your marriage because of pixels on a screen.....*It is your decision*...You and your husband will have to live with it....

the woodchuck


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> You have *chosen* to trash your marriage because of pixels on a screen.....*It is your decision*...You and your husband will have to live with it....
> 
> the woodchuck


SHE has chosen to trash the marriage? Sorry, that's rich.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> SHE has chosen to trash the marriage? Sorry, that's rich.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ummm...yeah....that's a bit harsh Woodchuck, don't you think?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Ummm...yeah....that's a bit harsh Woodchuck, don't you think?



I think some men get a little crazy when they think their God given right to unlimited porn is questioned 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

tiredandworn said:


> There has been no actual sex, a lot of foreplay but most of the time that makes me feel used and dirty. Not that he's doing crass things in bed or not taking enough time on me... that's not why I feel used and dirty.


Hi,

Welcome to the site and sorry you are here. 

I guess this is about trust isn't it?

It sounds very problematic that you feel used and dirty and perhaps the porn use was the straw that broke the camel's back as it were.

The words that you use are very strong. They indicate that maybe there are deeper issues here. From what I've read and experienced as a betrayed spouse, feeling used and dirty is a reaction I haven't seen described in such terms.

I don't know what my point is necessarily, except to say your feelings seem outside of what most people say. As a man I am very hurt that my wife did things with the other man that she didn't with me in 20+ years of marriage. I feel slightly repulsed by her sometimes and the emotional connection is gone or very weak.

There have been times she has tried to use sex to keep me and, had I been a woman, it would have been very abusive and sexually violent behaviour.

But, at none of those times did *I* feel dirty. I can kind of understand "used" but if this occurs in "normal" love making then I don't believe advice on here will "fix" your issues.

Please, seek independent counselling. My advice, for what it's worth, would be to try to get counselling not connected with your religion (whether it be church, mosque or other) as my experience would be that that might exacerbate whatever issues you have.

I feel for you and wish I could help more.

Sometimes it does help to just tell your story and people do care here; even if sometimes the conversation shoots off in the "wrong" direction.

Take care of yourself. You should never feel dirty. You aren't.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Let me add one more thing tired,

CS's who attempt R will not always act perfectly, even if they're remorseful. If I had expected a perfectly executed demonstration of remorse from my wife, I would have left her a long time ago. 

Sometimes we have to educate them. If they're willing to accept, learn, and improve - that's a good thing. Don't be to hard on him if he's trying.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Wow well lets talk about my least favorite subject that being sex addiction I have a few questions that I will answer as if I was a sex addict. Lets see how you think your husband would answer. Once we know that I can give you some advice that helped me. Yep recovering sex addict.

1. Do you use sex or porn to medicate yourself "nervous, stressed, upset, depressed"? Yes

2. Do you hide your sex/porn from others in your life because you think they would disapprove? Yes

3. Do you engage in porn/sex when the consequences of getting caught would have negative impact on your life? Yes

4. Do you engage in porn/sex when the physical affects of the activity are negative or threatening? Yes

5. Do you have a strong desire to watch porn every day or every other day? Yes

6. Do you choose porn instead of your available spouse? Yes

7. Have you cancelled activities with your spouse or 'made' time for porn even when it was inconvenient? Yes

8. Is looking at porn an event in your day? Yes



So how do you think he would answer? Once I know that I can give you some tips on how to help him or I can just buzz off as I will have nothing to contribute.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

tiredandworn,

You are absolutely entitled to feel betrayed by the fact he was using porn behind your back. Especially if you specifically asked about it and he evaded or lied about it.

You are closer to this than anyone here. And if you call it an addiction (and by his own admission he confirmed), then skip any posts talking about porn being something 'every guy does'. That may be true. But there is a difference between occasional and opportunistic ogling of pixels and habitual/compulsive porn use.

As an addict, his porn use is not about your attractiveness, desirability or performance in bed. I've been there, and still struggle with it. I 'gave up' porn a year ago, but have relapsed a few times. I feel ****ty and ashamed when I do it. I have a sexy wife, who is a vixen in the bedroom. No problems there. 

So, why is porn so hard to give up? For me, it was something I used to curb anxiety. It was a behavior I learned in my early teens. I had a ****ty childhood. At a very young age I was doing drugs daily, and had free access to porn (Prior to computer stuff). Both of these things calmed my anxiety and stress. When I was 15 I quit the drugs (after using for 4 years). But I kept the porn/masturbation habit. It was shameful, and I got very good at hiding it. 

After I got married, my use subsided. During that 'newlywed' phase my wife and I were having sex all the time. I didn't 'give up porn', but my use was minimal. What my wife would pass off as 'normal guy stuff'. A few years and couple of kids later, and my use started to increase again. Looking back on it, my use was always the heaviest during the most stressful parts of my life.

My wife caught me a couple of times, and much like you, she took it very personally. I 'cut back' but didn't eliminate my porn use. I hid it better, and discovered that online gaming (everquest, world of warcraft and such) provided similar distractions to ease my anxiety. 

An unfortunate thing about addictions, is that the shame cycle keeps feeding itself. Use to alleviate anxiety, then feel guilty about using and it creates additional anxiety. Then starts the lying and deceit to cover that shame. Which of course creates more of it. 

Underneath all of that, is an insecurity about something. For me, it was obsessive thoughts. I have an unfounded fear that if I see an attractive woman, I might say or do something inappropriate, or cheat on my wife. I say unfounded, in that I have never acted on such thoughts. I've compulsively used porn to 'act' on these hoping that in doing so I would never act on them for real. It's mental illness at it's finest. 

I've quit my porn use (4 times now in the past year /facepalm). I'm in IC and joined a 12 step program. I talk to my wife about my 'slips' if she asks. Although she normally doesn't want to discuss it. It still makes her feel insecure. 

You don't have to accept his porn use. But if you want to Reconcile with him, make sure he understands how it makes you feel. Make sure he explores why he does it in IC. Once he understands that, if he really wants to quit he can find an appropriate program for his situation.


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

Some men use porn as a substitute for sex, but mostly we use as a "fast food" form of sex.. it has nothing to do with our significant other.


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

The previous posts are very good. I wil add that the Senior Pastor at my Church has even said that on average, 6 out of 10 Pastors look at porn. So it's even a problem for them. 

I do know how much guilt and shame it can cause for the addictee in a marriage, especially if he's at all a believer. I also think viewing porn isn't neccessarily an indication that he's less attracted to you or likely to cheat due to it. He's probably compartmentalized the marriage and sex with you separately from the porn use, if that makes sense. You're the woman he's making love to and the porn is a physical release without love. Still, it is usually destructive to a marriage, so it does need to be resolved.

I think if he's willing to work with you in marital counseling on the porn habit and the other issues, you should do it.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I wonder if there was a statistically significant survey of Pastors that came up with that 6 out of 10 figure? 

I didn't have a similar "hiccup" but I wanted to add a voice of support for you. Some of the replies you've gotten have been less than supportive.

I think that this is not simply a setback because of a breaking of the trust - because he was keeping *a* secret from you after you tried to build a "new" post-affair marriage built on being open and transparent - but it was a sex related secret, and an addictive sex related secret at that, AND you are pretty certain that his use of porn was one of the things that made him more vulnerable to his affair. 

That's a LOT of stuff to work through. You don't feel close because of all of this, and most women need to feel close to have good sex. It's going to take some time. Patience is key here. This is big, and you have to be gentle with yourself. It may take a long time for you to get comfortable with him again. Take the long view. Enjoy the kinds of touch that you feel OK about for now.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

tiredandworn said:


> I just don't find myself sexually attracted to my husband at all now. I don't know if when he's looking at me he's desiring ME or if I'm just convenient. I can't believe a word he says at this point so verbal assurances don't really make me feel any better. There's been intimacy but only recently have I been able to allow such without managing to clench my fists and try to bare it. There has been no actual sex, a lot of foreplay but most of the time that makes me feel used and dirty. Not that he's doing crass things in bed or not taking enough time on me... that's not why I feel used and dirty.
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> ...


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

badmemory said:


> Ummm...yeah....that's a bit harsh Woodchuck, don't you think?


Her words.....
I was floored, went on the whole roller coaster ride and all, but decided to stay with him. We even got remarried. We undertook an international move, made a new home together, fought the fights we needed to side by side and things were going GREAT! Sex was phenomenal, the honeymoon feeling was returning, I was falling in love with him again,* and life was GREAT!*

Life was great, but she caught him with porn so....

I'm crushed that what we were rebuilding, what was so good came toppling down, and while there's been a measure of bounce back since April it's been nothing like the amazing recovery we experienced between last July and April before I caught him with his porn. I*'ve almost just begun to loose hope that it could ever be like that again and that sex will ever again be mind blowing, which is really depressing.*


*How many people can say their relationship is great*? and yet, she has decided to let the porn issue screw up her whole outlook.....

He may have screwed up, but it is her over reaction that did the damage....She needs to rein in her porn hate, and concentrate on keeping her marriage afloat, IF SHE WANTS TO STAY MARRIED.....

the woodchuck


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

> When you have a willing wife in the house, and I was in the house most if not all of the times he was engaging in this, but he chose instead to look at that! And if there is nothing wrong with it why try to hide it and cover it up.
> 
> Additonally, there are religious beliefs in play here in our household held by the both of us.


Woodchuck, this is hardly an "over reaction" nor is it about her "porn hate." He has an addiction, he hid it from her, he engaged in it when she was perfectly willing to have "mind blowing" sex with him, but he was being sneaky and having sex with himself in secret in her own home while looking at pictures of other women, AFTER having an affair and promising to be transparent and open with his deeply wounded and traumatized wife. 

At any given time now she may triggering, having mind movies, and she certainly has trust issues - all things that can impact on sexual response in a betrayed spouse.

Yes, you are being harsh. Do you have some issues of your own about porn that you are trying to work out in her thread? She said herself she is not wanting to get into a debate about the morality of it. It sounds like you are a big fan of porn. I think this thread is not the place to be its cheerleader.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

tiredandworn said:


> When I used the word porn I meant pictures and digital mods for video games so that he could use highly graphic erotic content in one of his games.


Ok this is a positive. If he had graduated to sex chatting, that would be far worse.



tiredandworn said:


> And addiction is a highly accurate term. His behavior with such and his draw to such falls well and easily within the defined bounds of porn addiction. He admits it's an addiction.


A couple of thoughts on this. I am highly skeptical when people use the term 'addiction' unless they've been diagnosed by a professional. However, it can be a useful thing to call something, if the two of you agree on it, and it's used to get help. It doesn't sound to me like your husband is seeking any kind of help for himself, and if he truly is an addict, that right there has to be a deal breaker, because there's NO way he will stop what he's doing. Addiction is a serious problem requiring specialized help - there's a link in my signature all about sex addiction, of which porn addiction is one type. My husband is a sex/cyberporn addict

I am also skeptical of his 'admission' of addiction. Is he just saying this to placate you? From what you're describing, that's my guess.



tiredandworn said:


> When you have a willing wife in the house, and I was in the house most if not all of the times he was engaging in this, but he chose instead to look at that! And if there is nothing wrong with it why try to hide it and cover it up.
> Additonally, there are religious beliefs in play here in our household held by the both of us.


Men cover up porn use because they have been taught that it's dirty. He knew exactly what your reaction would be to it, so of course he hid it. Hiding porn use does not equal addiction.

However, if he was/is using porn as his main sexual outlet and not paying attention to you in the bedroom, that's more indicative of an addiction. 



tiredandworn said:


> I will add that in April when I found out about this he put on accountability software on his computer and tablet on his own volition and asked me to change the password to my computer.


OK, so then - what? He over rode it? Uninstalled it? Did it anyway hoping you wouldn't look?

You are definitely experiencing triggers here, I think. The thoughts you're expressing are the same thoughts I had and still have from time to time when I'm triggered. What steps are you taking to overcome his infidelity? Are you in IC or MC? My advice is to stop focusing on the porn and start focusing on the infidelity, and healing from that. If your husband truly is a sex addict, his recovery from that needs to be apart from the healing of the marriage. Only he can get himself help for his addiction - you can't force him to. And until he is willing to, you must stand firm with the consequences that he experiences if the addictive behaviours continue.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

hopefulgirl said:


> Woodchuck, this is hardly an "over reaction" nor is it about her "porn hate." He has an addiction, he hid it from her, he engaged in it when she was perfectly willing to have "mind blowing" sex with him, but he was being sneaky and having sex with himself in secret in her own home while looking at pictures of other women, AFTER having an affair and promising to be transparent and open with his deeply wounded and traumatized wife.
> 
> At any given time now she may triggering, having mind movies, and she certainly has trust issues - all things that can impact on sexual response in a betrayed spouse.
> 
> Yes, you are being harsh. Do you have some issues of your own about porn that you are trying to work out in her thread? She said herself she is not wanting to get into a debate about the morality of it. It sounds like you are a big fan of porn. I think this thread is not the place to be its cheerleader.


Pictures and video games......People would die to have a marriage they considered barely tolerable, and someone is willing to trash a relationship they said was GREAT...because of photographs of strangers and SEXY VIDEO GAMES........

Do not take this as a reflection on the OP, but I have seen too many of these extreme reactions lately, especially over on sex in marriage, where a wife's first reaction to porn is to consider divorce......And many people who support that position......People have a right to like, or hate porn...The argument is infinite and timeless, 

I just think dissolving a marriage is much too serious a move to consider it over images of strangers..........Infidelity, drugs, alcohol, physical abuse, gambling, criminal activity, sex, and other addictions, and many other crimes against a marriage may deserve divorce...

Looking at an image of a stranger being reason for a divorce is too great a stretch for me to wrap my mind around.....

That is my only dog in this fight.....

the woodchuck


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> Looking at an image of a stranger being reason for a divorce is too great a stretch for me to wrap my mind around.....
> 
> That is my only dog in this fight.....
> 
> the woodchuck


But hiding it and lying about it could be enough for tiredandworn in this particular instance. Keep in mind, this is her situation and her reality. She has a H who betrayed her and lied to her. And now she finds out he is still lying to her. It may be on another subject. A subject that on it's own merit she might have reacted to differently. But given the other issues, this could be the straw that breaks the camels back. That is for Tiredandworn to determine.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

tiredandworn said:


> (I can't say I really trust him at all and find it harder than even after revelation to rebuild that trust, and other things like trust that have to recover)


Two issues here. One is whether or not him looking at digitized pornography- not even real people as I understand it- is a dealbreaker.

The other is that you're not able to trust him since he repeatedly lied to you, hid things from you and deceived you in the ultimate way.. sexual infidelity, 3x that you know of, over a period of 8 years or more.

Fact is you can never, ever trust this man again. From what you have written it appears that you think the onlyh way the marriage can be saved is if you can eventually rebuild that trust. It aint NEVER going to happen that way, so don't fool yourself into thinking it ever will. You must accept that for as long as you stay with this man you will always have to keep an eye on him and you can never ever take him at his word for anything. He's shown his true character.

I couldn't live like this but maybe you can.. as you put it "for the children". I never understand this part. Kids do fine in a broken home as long as the parents effectively coparent. 

Don't waste your life with this guy if that's the only reason.


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