# Anxious and need advice.



## doublezero (Jan 25, 2013)

I am in a 10 year relationship. We have always been good together and have 2 kids (6 and 1) and have bought a house together.

About 5 years ago, my partners mum passed away. She went through horrible anxiety and depression. She was really nasty for a long time and refused to get help. I stuck by her and saw her through it, till she was ready to see the doctor. I knew it wasn't her, she wasn't as horrible as she was being. I knew once she got help she would be back to the person I loved.

Now the shoe is on the other foot and it's me with the anxiety and depression. About October/November 2012 I was having a lot of trouble at work (bullying boss), we were told there were going to be redundancies. I starting getting ill, but didn't know. At the same time, my other half decided she would go from being home all the time, to wanting to be out every Wednesday and Friday night. She would stay out to the small hours of the morning, and be so tired on the Thursday and Sunday, she may as well have not been there.

Her dad then got taken into hospital. He friends was on the way home from the hospital. So, she went round there after the hospital each night. From that point it became 4-5 nights per week. And yes, I started to get suspicious. 

I had always trusted her 100%, until all this started. My mum started putting doubts in my head at the same time - asking me if I knew what she was actually upto. A doubt I had never had before then.

I started trying to ask her to stay in more, and stop staying round her mates every weekend (when they went to pub). I started checking her phone etc as it went on for so long - I know it was wrong, but I had doubts in my head and she had changed completely.

I know she wasn't cheating and just wanted to have fun, I do trust her mates, I've known them for years and they are always with her when she is out. But after 10 years, it was a big change for me to accept.

Unfortunately, I tried laying down the law, saying I wanted her in for more nights than shes out and asking her to only stay out every other weekend. After all we do have two small kids and I didn't think it was fair for me to have to sort them out every night after a long day at work.

So, she started to do the opposite, was going out 4-6 nights a week and staying out every Friday night, I know she was picking up her brother, shopping etc on some of those nights, but she still wasn't home with me.

I kept asking her to sort it - but she refused. I said some horrible things, like she was never happy no matter what I gave or did for her. 

After Christmas I went back to work and got told there was now the money to start the project I had been working on for last 18 months. This gave me new hope, that this would save me from loosing my job in the redundancies.

Then she decided to call things off. So I asked for a 2 week trial. Where I would prove to her I wouldn't worry about what she was up to and we would just get on with things. But I don't think she had any intention of trying. She was home for 1 of the nights in the two weeks !!!!! I didn't hassle her, got on with my own thing. 

As I did my own thing, I was so surprised when at the end of the two weeks she decided she wanted to call thing off completely. So, I moved into a friends house. Not nice, sleeping on a mattress on the floor. I had a breakdown at work, I couldn't stop crying and couldn't see that I had any future. I missed my children so much, but I could only see them at the weekend now, due to work.

I went to the doctors and they said I have really high levels of Anxiety and Depression. The Depression I can understand, I'm missing my family so much.

Looking back, the Anxiety explains a lot about the way I behaved. A lot of things I said we caused by the same thing. I had never acted like that in the 10 years we were together. 

I started to explain to her that the things I said and did were becuase I was ill, like she was when her mum died. But while I was prepared to put up with it, she just wanted me to move out !!!!! 

I've been trying to get her to understand that if I wasn't ill, I wouldn't have behaved or thought like that. And she is refusing to see it.

I put up with it for months. It seems so unjust that she can't see why I behaved the way I did coz she was changing and I was ill.

Does anyone think she will come round, given time, now I have identified they key issue causing our breakup? Or am I wasting my time on her.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Wasting time. She has been seeing someone else for quite a while.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Bump


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

There are a lot of issues you are dealing with, like us all, no one promised us easy lives, eh. 

I suspect by your colloquialisms you are British? I am writing from the US NorthEast Coast, and, though I am not sure about cultural differneces in frequency of going out to pubs, your wife is OUT OF LINE abandoning you every night to go out. There is no honorable reason for that, she is WRONG to leave her kids for partying.

I mention her disreputable behavior in no uncertain terms because you seem to be blaming YOURSELF, you need to STOP THAT. 

Now you are headed for a divorce and you need to MAN UP and take care of yourself, and not "prove to her that you


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

don't care what she does". Of course you care what she does, she is your wife and mother to your children!

And she may very well be cheating. That is not acceptable.


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

Given your high levels of anxiety and willingness to heap blame on yourself, calling yourself "ill" for normal anxiety at your partner's shenanigans, I would be concerned you are at risk of burn-out. Take a step back to nurture yourself, it looks like you are in for a marathon experience and you need to prepare.


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## doublezero (Jan 25, 2013)

Thank you Ever-Man. Yes, I am English. From Cambridge in the UK. 

This whole situation is killing me right now. Had my son stay last night and it's his Birthday Today. I just had to take him home, and know that I'm going to miss his party. I realized this is my lot from here on. Missing Birthdays, Christmas's etc. I'm never going to have the same relationship with my daughter (1 year old) as I will not spend as much time with her. 

Every time I see my kids from now on, they will have grown up or changed in some way. I've spent practically every day with my son since he was born and the time apart is horrible. I just miss them so much.

I just don't get why she would do this - to all of us. Nothing I said or did was unforgivable. So, I don't understand why we can't still make a go of it. But she won't. It just doesn't make sense.

Mate, I just want my family back. All of them. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.


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## ineedhelp2 (Jan 26, 2013)

Dude, stick with it. If you are sure she ain't bin cheating, then she has some other issue going on. Don't blame self, it's her head that's screwed up. My wife went through the same thing - was out every night. She got board with it after a year - but by then it was too late for us.

Saying some horrible things ain't a good enough reason for breaking up a whole family unit. Words can be forgiven. Have you cheated on her or hit her or something? Cos, words can be forgiven and it seems really strange she can't see that herself. She needz to sort her head out.

Give her time, she will come round. Once she see's that her life is gonna be hard as hell from now on. Bringing up two small kids on your own is gonna be hard and you not there to support her.

She just wants to hope you ain't moved on by the time she sorts her head out. Be her own fault if you did.


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

Hmmm, did you move out of he house? I wouldn't do that if you can avoid it. If you did move out, just move back in, if that is legal. It sounds to me like you are the more responsable parent, and you may want to start proving that.

Your in a tough spot as your "partner" is keeping you in the "reactive" mode, and you are taking hard, life-altering hits that you need to make sense of. You may start on the road to resolution by laying out a plan, and quickly develop a view of what kind of "post-partner" life you may want, and how to get there. 

If your partner is pressing a separation and will not consider partner therapy, than you need to contact a divorce lawyer. This may be the hardest time of your life, sorry to say, though many have gone before you, if knowledge of that helps.


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