# i dont want us to be separated, need some advice



## iamjaney (Jun 24, 2013)

Hi guys, I am new here and some advice will really help me a lot.
I'll try to keep this as short as possible. My hubby and I are 6 years married, 8 years together and we have two kids. Two years ago, I was involved in an affair with a friend, its not really an emotional one. I know this is wrong but I just did it to find some sort of outlet in my very stressing married life during those times (My hubby don’t have a work that time, I am the bead winner in our family and we re leaving with my mom and siblings. There is also a conflict between him and my mom during that time). We had a one night stand and because that guy is and adventurous person, we had it record in a video. At that point also, I thought I fell for him which made me somewhat distant from my hubby. After two months, my hubby found out. He saw the video and saw my diary where he read that I already love the guy and I was hurt when he left me for someone else. I panicked during this time, my hubby is threatening to leave me and bring my daughter away from me. I beg for his forgiveness and I told him that I will change if he will just give me a second chance. He was so hurt that time and he told me that he’s been doing his best to be a good husband to me even if there are times that I am ignoring him and he felt that I really don’t love him. But e gave me the second chance. I changed not only for him and my family but also for myself because after that incident I found out that I really love him and I don’t want him to leave me. We were okay after that, we even had our second child. And the two months ago, we are having issues again. This time, it was his.. I found out he’s texting a work mate, I've read the messages and he was telling that girl our previous problem where the girl is being sympathetic to him for having such a horrible wife. I was furious when I found this out, I confronted him and he said he’s just trying if the girl will fall for him, nothing serious.. So I forgave him and tell him that even if it is hard I’ll be trusting him again. And then after a week, we fight again over his drinking problems and another week he’s flirting again with another girl. Issues are coming over and over, they are all the same, he’s not giving importance to me anymore. During our fights, he’ll bring back the issue I had previously. I was hurt because I thought we already move on to that, and I showed him that I really changed. There are times, I asked him to just leave us because he’s ignoring already my feelings, after he committed a mistake, he’ll ask for forgiveness, I’ll give that to him then after a week or two, it will happen again. And then last week, he told me he had a work but then I found out he didn't go to work but to a drinking session with his office mates. I confronted him and this time he told me he wants us to be separated. I was confused because he just told me a month ago that he can’t live without me. He also bring back the issue I had two years ago and he’s telling me it has been haunting him even in his dreams. I beg for him not to leave us and fix the issues we have in our marriage but then again he’s not showing any effort anymore. He told me, he’ll stay not because he loves me but because of the kids. I was hurt, I really want to fix our marriage but he seems not interested about that. We are still living with ach other right now. I hope you can give me some advice. I am thinking if I should still be fighting for our marriage or if I should set him free and give him the trial separation that he wants. I am also confused why he suddenly acts that way, I asked him if he’s seeing someone but he told me no.. please help me guys, your two cents are very important to me.. thanks in advance.


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

Neither of you have been faithful to each other. It seems as if all trust is gone and his interest in you at the moment is diminished. It doesn't sound like he has recovered from your affair at all. Now he is pursuing other women. 

Have the two of you tried any type of Marriage counseling?


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## iamjaney (Jun 24, 2013)

not yet, but I am planning to do that. I told that to him and he said he can give it a try. i really want our marriage to work not only because of the kids but because I love him and it seems I cant live without him. he also told me, he wants some space right now to think it over.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

Okay, I read through everything you wrote and it seems clear as day the issues on hand and what has transpired between the two of you. So, you had an affair that you acknowledged was wrong and it has been since dissolved. Your husband finds out about it and it betrayed and hurt deeply. The hurt your husband is feeling (and anyone in the similar situation) is anger, hate, resentment, bitterness. You ask for your husband's forgiveness and he said he forgave you, but this is NOT true. He has NOT forgiven you, because he is harboring ill feelings towards you and using your past affair as a tool to hurt you currently with. The past is the past and it is up to each of us to either move on from it to become better people or let it haunt us. We can choose to truly forgive or hate.

An affair is not a matter of a simple lie or someone said a mean word...it is one of the most violating things that can be done in a marriage. From a husband's perspective, just the thought that some other guy would stick his most intimate part inside my wife and expel his seed...WOW! I would like never want to go inside my wife again. So this is a hard one for him to get over, which is why he has been negative towards you, alienated himself, flirts with other girls, etc. He flirts with other girls not as a ploy to hurt you directly or because he wants to have sex with them, but because you hurt him deeply and this is his means of escape from the pressure and thoughts of what I previously describe. Your husband has no outlet...trust has been betrayed, so he cannot confide in you. His close friends are likely to give him bad advice (like...go fool around or leave your wife). So where is your husband going to get the sound counsel he needs? If he was religious, I would say for him to confide with a pastor or minister. Your husband needs healing and he has not gotten it...AND...it takes time for this type of healing. We are not talking about a scraped knee that can be healed with a Band-Aid and anointment. We are not talking about a cut even, which can be healed with stitches. We are talking about a broken heart that has been crushed and obliterated. That is something that takes tons of Band-Aids, tons of ointments, tons of stitches, tons of tender loving care...AND TIME!

You have to regain a trust...it's going to take time. "But I have thrown myself at his mercy. I have waited. I have done everything he wants me to do and then some." You see, you are putting a timeframe on it. People heal differently, but you can be assured that a healing like this is going to take at least a year to heal. "What happens if he doesn't heal and just chooses to remain bitter and resentful at me forever" you might say. That is your husband's choice.

I believe in the power of forgiveness. It is the best defense anyone can have against hurt and wounds created by a close friend or spouse. We all have it in us to truly forgive the way we ought to forgive. Forgiveness is the foundation by which we can start the healing process. I promise you that your husband has not truly forgiven you. He is hurting and he does not know how to deal with that hurt effectively and productively. He is looking for sources to fulfill and satisfy you, rather than seeking out God. And if not God, than from the depth of his heart or from you.

It's a tough place to be Janey and you are dealing with the consequences and ramifications of your actions. Are you sorry? Of course you are. Do you want to be restored and your husband healed? Of course you do. But this is something that is going to take time, patience, love, respect, and time, patience, love, respect... ... ...

Does what you did give your husband a right to lord it over you and use it as a tool against you to have something on you? By all means NO! Please know, that when he uses your past against you, it's just his negative outlet to tell you how he feels inside. It's not right, but it's all he knows what to do right now...because no one has offered him a productive, peaceful alternative.

There is still a lot more hurt you are going to go through Janey and I know it might seem too much to bare and cope with. Which is why you need an outlet to go to as well. Just trying to absorb your husband's blows (i.e. words, actions, etc.) by yourself will just cause stress, frustration, sorrow, despair, anxiety, depression, etc. I know you have felt all of these. I know you are remorseful for your actions and you need healing to.

If you have any beliefs in God, I would say it's time to get on your knees and cry out to Him. God is called the Great Comforter, because He helps us in all times of needs and He does not look down on your with contempt, anger, hate, or disappointment. Believe in that. The God I know looks down on your with love, forgiveness, and acceptance.

If you have no foundation in God or belief in Him, than I advise you to confide with someone you trust. Someone that you can share with, who will lift you up and encourage you and NOT put you or your husband down...that is not what you need. Above all else, do not look negatively on your husband, as bad as what he is doing is wrong...stay positive, be optimistic. Continue to love on him every chance you get genuinely. Remember what I said about it taking time to regain a trust and for him to truly forgive you. Your husband still loves you...I believe this truly. Just be there for him as much as you can, but not in such a way that makes you a slave or a doormat.

Thank you for your candidness or willingness to pose this question and seek out help. I want the best for you and your family and I wish and pray that you and your husband find inner healing during these difficult days upon you. May your family be established once again as a family of productivity and effectiveness in life. May you be healed from the hurts of the past and grow ever so more as a couple and as a family.


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## iamjaney (Jun 24, 2013)

Thank you very much forevermemorable. Its quite a relief to know all those things that you said. And now, I am enlightened on what he's going through right now. I wont give up and I'll be fighting for the love that still exist between the two of us.. I will definitely pursue for us to talk with MC. I hope everything will turn out well. :smthumbup:


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## iamjaney (Jun 24, 2013)

By the way forevermemorable, do you think I need to give him the space he needed to contemplate on his situation? He told me that he need this, so he can assess whether he still wants to be with me. I am opposing this idea since there's alot of things that can happen. And i want to be by his side so I can help him and i want to support him. We are still living together and as much as I want to show to him that I love him, I understand him and I want to help him, I am always rejected by his actions. He's so cold and distant. If it takes alot of pain for him to get through all this, Iam most willing to undergo that for the sake of our family and the future that lies ahead of us.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

For some, most likely your husband, an affair is a tremendous barrier to overcome and if he does will take lots of time (years perhaps).

4 years into your marriage you had an affair which broke his view of what a marriage and love with you should be.

He's adjusting to his new reality. And it's looking like he's drifting away slowly.


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## iamjaney (Jun 24, 2013)

aug said:


> He's adjusting to his new reality. And it's looking like he's drifting away slowly.


does this mean aug that he's no longer interested in fixing our marriage? If he's adjusting to this reality and drifting slowly, chances are, by the time he adjusted fully, he'll be miles away from me?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

iamjaney said:


> does this mean aug that he's no longer interested in fixing our marriage? If he's adjusting to this reality and drifting slowly, chances are, by the time he adjusted fully, he'll be miles away from me?


He's still around so there's still hope that he'll stay with you.

Understand that you broke the marriage with the affair. Once you accept that, are truly remorseful and can accept his roller-coaster of emotions, there may be a chance.

He saw the video of you and your lover -- realize that imagery is almost impossible to erase from his head.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

The marriage and love you had before is forever gone. It will never be obtainable again nor will it ever come back. Unfortunately the actions you took have forever changed your marriage and family. Maybe he is not feeling that you care or are trying. The one thing I picked up on is that you told him that if he gave you another chance that you would change. The change shouldn't have been a bargaining chip. I see you say that you changed for you and the family, but it seems as though the change was driven by your need not to be the source of your failing marriage.

Are you still living with your mother and is she still a spot of contention? When the issues arose between her and him, did you side with him or her, or neither? It can mean a big thing to a man to be emasculated by his wife (which the affair did for sure). You seem to be drawn to the fact that he wasn't working and you are the bread winner. These facts could make him have low self esteem and feel even less of a man. Do you constantly discuss his contributions to the marriage and where he is lacking (or make him feel this way)?

I must ask how you think you have changed and were you doing everything possible for him (all of the heavy lifting in the relationship to right your wrong)? Do you do special things for him, as having sex with a friend (was it your's, his, or both's friend and is that friend out of the picture, if a coworker still working with him)? I ask cause from my standpoint not only did you sleep with him, but you recorded for history, and then he saw it (I am assuming this from the way it was written). This whole fiasco is a huge blow to your H's self esteem. Did he see you doing things that he likes or wants but never got (heck just recording it could be one of the things in itself)? Have you tried to do the same things for him that you did for the OM (as he can see this as NOW you are willing to do after trying with others but were never willing to take the chance for him)?

I think you need to tell the whole truth as some parts here are missing. You say he read your diary and thoughts of love, found and possibly saw the video, yet it was not emotional (that makes little sense with the thoughts of love and keeping a diary aspect). You devoted a few sentences to your affair, but the majority to about describing his wrongs and actions that are killing the marriage. You are just as responsible if not more as your A could have been the breaking point. Sounds like you rug swept the while affair and still are. He says he is not getting what he needs from you, but you are blame shifting and saying that you are doing all he needs (obviously not or he wouldn't say it). Have you done things since, that only he wants to show that you are doing things strictly with him in mind and not just to meet your needs as well?


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

iamjaney said:


> By the way forevermemorable, do you think I need to give him the space he needed to contemplate on his situation? He told me that he need this, so he can assess whether he still wants to be with me. I am opposing this idea since there's a lot of things that can happen.





iamjaney said:


> I was confused because he just told me a month ago that he can’t live without me. He also bring back the issue I had two years ago and he’s telling me it has been haunting him even in his dreams. I beg for him not to leave us and fix the issues we have in our marriage but then again he’s not showing any effort anymore. He told me, he’ll stay not because he loves me but because of the kids. I was hurt, I really want to fix our marriage but he seems not interested about that.


I quoted your last remarks and a portion of your original opening remarks to this thread; which I will put an emphasis on answering in light of that.

Your husband's world has been turned upside down. The wounds run deep within the very depths of his soul, his trust with you, his heart, his mind, his everything. In some regards, you are at his mercy. I would venture to say the majority of marriages do not survive after infidelity. Its a hard road to traverse upon; one of which takes counseling, sincere forgiveness, healing. People handle betrayal in many different ways, but the underlining factor is the same...grief caused by a loved one. Trust and intimacy has been broken and that cannot be regained over night.

I want to be as ginger with you as possible, yet as candid as possible. I know you have a sincere regretful and apologetic heart. I know you want things to be the way they use to be. I know you long for restoration, healing, and true forgiveness. Actual "silver" ware or silver items that have sat untreated begin the get tarnished over time. In fact, after so long, the appearance is dull and unattractive. In your husband's eyes, you are tainted and blemished. I say that with the uttermost respect not to belittle you or put you down, but that is how your husband views you. However, something that is tarnished because it hasn't received the care and love it needs can be restored to pristine quality. But that is up to the individual who resides with that tarnished item, to clean it up, restore it, and love on it once again.

Somewhere down the line, your husband stopped loving you the way a husband should and you were neglected and received love and affection elsewhere. You looked elsewhere for someone to give you the love you so desired, but as you have learned, it was a false sense of security and not really love after all.

Without the proper understanding and the proper tools to clean up tarnished silverware, the silverware is just going to sit on a shelf, in a drawer, or in a display case neglected and unloved, just longing to be cleansed, restored, loved. So where does this put your husband in light of my analogy? It is up to your husband to gain the proper understanding and tools on how to truly forgive you in his heart, to restore you, to love on you once again, and to put the past behind him. Your husband does not know where to look effectively. I believe he is trying to find the answers in and of himself; which is why has looked to drinking, flirting, and other outlets. It is his way of dealing with the pain and hopefully trying to find answers. But of course, avenues such as drinking, flirting, smoking, etc. only lead to further pain and sorrow. They are not means to an end. Its not an effective way for your husband to deal with his pain and grief. He needs healing with a marriage counselor, but that is almost a CATCH-22, because most men have to humble themselves before seeking help from a marriage counselor. We men are stubborn and feel in and of ourselves that we can handle it on our own and we do not need someone else to tell us what to do. Does that make sense? Your husband is in a tight spot. He is grieved and lost. And I know you want to be there for him the best you can be, to help him find his way back to you. Your intentions are good, but its going to take time, patience, love, and more pain to get through this time.

In regards to his request for time and separation from you. I think you should grant it and not restrain or resist him whatsoever. For example, I have had good friends hurt me deeply in time's past and during that hurt, the last thing I want to do is hang out with them...for at least a month. Just the thought of their hurt makes me sick. I am all about forgiveness and restoration. The question was posed to Jesus in regards to forgiveness and Jesus said that we ought to forgive 7x70 and beyond that. Forgiveness is a very powerful tool; one of which can build character, healing, and peace. However, on the other hand, if we do not forgive, we harvest bitterness, grudges, resentment, hate, anger, etc. etc.; one of which destroys the very essence of a sincere heart. Your husband's actions will ultimately lead him to forgiveness and peace or it will make him a very angry and cynical person the rest of his life. He doesn't know how crucial and pivotal his life and decisions he makes during this dark and difficult days upon him are. Your husband has a choice to let the pain consume him and become a totally different person, filled with cynicism or become a forgiving person, filled with love and peace. I reiterate my points to paint a clear understanding of what is before you and your husband.

Getting back on the topic about separation. Separation is very warranted and good in light of what has transpired in your marriage. Don't allow yourself to be an obstacle to this for him. It is very crucial for his healing process. Yes, you are very correct in that which you say that there is a possibility of your husband partaking in bad things...that choice is always before us, in and out of the marriage (as you very well know), but it is up to your husband to make the right moral choices. And the answer is "no", your husband does not have the right to cheat back on you; and those thoughts have gone through his head a thousand times; as they go threw every betrayed spouse. They are normal feelings to have, but it is not right for him or anyone else in that situation to retaliate in like manner. That is not what forgiveness and love is about. Love does not seek its own and it does not take into account the wrongs that have been suffered. I would invite you to read 1 Corinthians, chapter 13, which is commonly known as the love chapter.

Give your husband the space he needs to sort his mind out. TIME HEALS WOUNDS! That is probably your best hope right now and yet it is very difficult to perceive and think about. I know the line, "I just need some space" or "I just need time to think things out" sounds like an excuse or just a line to avoid what seems like the inevitable, but under the circumstances of what has transpired between the two of you, it is very warranted and needed for healing. Be embracing of this separation and don't nag him, bug him, call him up, etc. Let it be on his terms. This is how you regain trust. "How long will it take?" you might ask. As long as he needs! Okay, maybe not longer than 3-6 months...I could be wrong with these figures, but in all reality, there comes a time that you are either going to truly forgive or you are just going to be bitter towards someone for the rest of your life.

Yes, I know that is scary to think about and that is the consequences and ramification of your actions. Yes, there is a real possibility that he will want a divorce or that he will find someone else, because he resorted into harboring resentment towards you...that is his choice, but there really is not much you can do at this point, but to hope and pray that his heart will be changed to be one of true forgiveness and healing. Remember something Janey, once true forgiveness happens, it will still take years to regain and rebuild utter trust with you. Just because someone forgives, it doesn't mean they will forget. We don't have the ability to wipe out or obliterate our memories from past hurts. Usually past scars stay with us forever.

But, I believe that with those scars, they define us and either change us for the better or the worse. I truly pray and hope that your husband is changed for the better. I truly pray and hope that your husband truly forgives you and becomes at peace of what has transpired between the two of you. I truly pray and hope that your husband cleanses you, restores you, and loves on your once again. I know the locus have eaten away of the love you so desperately need and I pray and hope that your husband's love towards you will be what it was, when you first got married. Truly, it is there for the taking. Truly, you guys can be one again and I eagerly wait for this to happen between the two of you.

Other than my words and more so, I offer up prayers with tears to you and your husband. My heart is broken for you two and I greatly desire for their to be fellowship and union with you two again. I desire for true forgiveness and true love to be handed out freely.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

One thing to add to this, just to clarify, your husband SAW the video of you banging your "stress reliever"?

Sorry but for a lot of people, there's no returning from that. He may try...but as your seeing from his erratic behavior, he's not and won't.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Do not underestimate the psychological damage you inflicted on your husband by allowing him to see that video. 

Understand that he will never fully recover from it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

This is real?


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

I'm going to get eviscerated for saying this but, I truly believe this may be one of those extremely rare situations where it might actually be therapeutic for you to give your husband a one-time hall pass to have sex with one of those women he has been chatting up. His self esteem has taken a massive hit. Sex from another woman giving herself to him freely may give him back a sense of his manhood. 

Okay, I've got my helmet on and shield up.........
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Remains said:


> This is real?


I always "politely" assume all posts are, but I know some aren't and the ones that aren't usually have similar characteristics.

That's all I'll say about it.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

LostViking said:


> I'm going to get eviscerated for saying this but, I truly believe this may be one of those extremely rare situations where it might actually be therapeutic for you to give your husband a one-time hall pass to have sex with one of those women he has been chatting up.


Loves does not take into account the wrongs that have been suffered, but is patient, kind, and it is NOT selfish!

A hall pass! Are we in kindergarten? Allowing someone the opportunity to open pandora's box is asking for a plethora of heartache and struggle. Of course, a lot of those in this forum would say to that, "Kind of like what the poster did." And I say to that, "Let he who is without fault or sin, cast the first stone." You don't kick someone when they are down. Janey has shown grief, remorse, and has asked forgiveness. Yes, she was discovered and her sins have found her out, but I would gladly receive a thousands Janeys over one bitter, angry, and unforgiving person.

Janey, there are a lot of "self righteous" stone throwers in this forum that have so much hurt and resentment from their past or currently, that in some way or another, they feel that they can offer up solid counseling. Ignore their outlandish attacks towards you and be strong in what you are going through.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

No hall pass, geez. Let's not compound the misery here. 

The video would KILL me. The mind movies are bad enough. Thank God my wife didn't do that (as far as I know, Lord... there was a time when I wondered).

Hearing audio would be unbearable. Watching a video ... how the hell did he ever get his hands on that???


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Plus you told that OM you loved him. 

I read those words from my wife to OM. She used his name, of course. It tore my guts out from back to front.

If he loves you, I am sure it did the same to him.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Well she doesn't really seem to have fully empathized with what her husband is going through. She seems to be the typical rug sweeper, wanting him to get over it. If she needs a dose of empathy, letting him do the nasty with another woman might just stoke her remorse fires.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

LostViking said:


> Well she doesn't really seem to have fully empathized with what her husband is going through. She seems to be the typical rug sweeper, wanting him to get over it. If she needs a dose of empathy, letting him do the nasty with another woman might just stoke her remorse fires.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It doesn't work this way. JMHO.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Have you offered to let your husband make a video with you? What else did you do with the other man that you dont do with your husband?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

doubletrouble said:


> No hall pass, geez. Let's not compound the misery here.
> 
> The video would KILL me. The mind movies are bad enough. Thank God my wife didn't do that (as far as I know, Lord... there was a time when I wondered).
> 
> Hearing audio would be unbearable. Watching a video ... how the hell did he ever get his hands on that???


I agree with all said here.

I can't think of a worse way to find out than to see an actual video of my wife having sex with another man. That is worse than audio ... probably worse than walking in on them.

OP, I think most men would be utterly destroyed by that. I don't know how you can repair this. I wish I had answers for you. Try your best to get counseling for both of you.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> He told me, he’ll stay *not because he loves *me but *because of the kids*.


this is all you need to know concerning the state of your marriage- GAME OVER.

that vid did you in.


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## iamjaney (Jun 24, 2013)

Thank you for all the comments that were posted. As much as I want to think that this is not real but unfortunately it is. Forevermemorable, thank you for understanding my situation, I hope that he can also do that. And yes, he doesn’t want to talk to a MC. I’m sure that I really hurt him big time that even for the past two years, he still not able to get over that. I am doing my best but I guess some of the posters here are right, the love that we had is forever lost. Why is it so very hard to accept the truth? I cant live without him, yes I made that silly mistake and at some point I want him to just forget about that and move on with our life, with the future that lies beneath us.. But it is not that easy for him and I understand that. I just want us to be complete, I just want to show him that I really regret what I did and I want to show him how much I love him. I hate myself that I’ve done that and the things that are happening to us right now, the hurt that I’m feeling, I’m thinking that I deserve all this. I’ve come to the point again that I could not also forgive myself for that, my whole life would not be enough for that. I can’t do anything right now but to let him go and wait for all my prayers to be answered (if it will be answered).


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Your wants no longer matter. That is what you have to absorb if you want to have a shot at keeping him. 

Concentrate on your husband's wants. Remove your needs from the equation. 

Your "wants" are what got you in this mess
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iamjaney (Jun 24, 2013)

He’ll be leaving our home next week and with the remaining hours that he’ll be with me, I asked him if it would be possible that we assume that we are okay, we are happy couple, do what we are doing before. Yes, I know this may not sound right and it would be hard for him but he agreed with that. I found out some information that he’s not telling me before. He told me that he always felt guilty after we slept with each other even though he want that to happen and he initiated I asked him on what specific things that he feels guilty about, but he’s uncertain of this, he felt that he made a sin by sleeping with me. On his sleep after that, he’ll be haunted again by those horrible images that he saw. I wanted to help him get over with these, I want to support him but I don’t know what to do, I am so helpless and it hurts again seeing he hurt that way because of me. I’ve heard that he might be experiencing trauma disorder, something like that, which needed counseling also, but he refused the idea.


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## iamjaney (Jun 24, 2013)

LostViking said:


> Your wants no longer matter. That is what you have to absorb if you want to have a shot at keeping him.
> 
> Concentrate on your husband's wants. Remove your needs from the equation.
> 
> ...


I am convincing myself of this, I told him that whatever he wants to do, he can do that freely without hearing anything from me. And yes, as much as it hurts, I also told him that he can sleep with someone else and we’ll see if that would help him. I am so helpless that I suggested that. So from now on, I should be absorbing anything even if he cheated on me also?! At some point, I am convincing myself that yes you have to but there’s something in my mind that telling me that it is not right and will not be healthy for both of us. It will hurt him; it will hurt the family and even if it is not significant anymore, I will also be hurt.


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## iamjaney (Jun 24, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> This whole fiasco is a huge blow to your H's self esteem. Did he see you doing things that he likes or wants but never got (heck just recording it could be one of the things in itself)? Have you tried to do the same things for him that you did for the OM (as he can see this as NOW you are willing to do after trying with others but were never willing to take the chance for him)?
> 
> I think you need to tell the whole truth as some parts here are missing. You say he read your diary and thoughts of love, found and possibly saw the video, yet it was not emotional (that makes little sense with the thoughts of love and keeping a diary aspect). You devoted a few sentences to your affair, but the majority to about describing his wrongs and actions that are killing the marriage. You are just as responsible if not more as your A could have been the breaking point. Sounds like you rug swept the while affair and still are. He says he is not getting what he needs from you, but you are blame shifting and saying that you are doing all he needs (obviously not or he wouldn't say it). Have you done things since, that only he wants to show that you are doing things strictly with him in mind and not just to meet your needs as well?


No, I haven't tried to do same things I've done with OM because I am afraid that it will bring back again painful memories for him. Do you reckon this would help him to rebuild his self-esteem?

And yes, I might be rug sweeping the affair because I thought that by doing so, eventually it will be forgotten and we will be the same couple that we used to be. What more can I do to show him that I am really repentant and I love him and I want him to stay. O my, I am being selfish right now, right?! I'll just give him what he needs, his freedom because as what most of the posters here said I don't have any right to be happy anymore or to be loved again by him because of that mistake that I did. I understand that and I am feeling that way also.


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## iamjaney (Jun 24, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Have you offered to let your husband make a video with you? What else did you do with the other man that you dont do with your husband?


no, I havent tried this, would this help?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Remains said:


> This is real?


I'd report it to the mods


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## iamjaney (Jun 24, 2013)

forevermemorable said:


> Loves does not take into account the wrongs that have been suffered, but is patient, kind, and it is NOT selfish!
> 
> A hall pass! Are we in kindergarten? Allowing someone the opportunity to open pandora's box is asking for a plethora of heartache and struggle. Of course, a lot of those in this forum would say to that, "Kind of like what the poster did." And I say to that, "Let he who is without fault or sin, cast the first stone." You don't kick someone when they are down. Janey has shown grief, remorse, and has asked forgiveness. Yes, she was discovered and her sins have found her out, but I would gladly receive a thousands Janeys over one bitter, angry, and unforgiving person.
> 
> Janey, there are a lot of "self righteous" stone throwers in this forum that have so much hurt and resentment from their past or currently, that in some way or another, they feel that they can offer up solid counseling. Ignore their outlandish attacks towards you and be strong in what you are going through.


Thanks again forevermemorable. I really appreciate that there is someone like you who is a believer of forgiveness. But then, not everyone is as open as you. I hope my H is, but I guess he’s not.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

iamjaney said:


> We had a one night stand and because that guy is and adventurous person, we had it record in a video.


 You complimenting the other man (OM) for recording you having sex with him, by saying that he was an "adventurous person", must really hurt your husband because it shows that you still falsely admire the other man. The other man did not record it because he is adventurous. He did it so that he could show it to his buddies, which is a great humiliation to your husband. The video shows that you had so fully given yourself over to the OM, that you did not have enough respect for your husband to be discrete. In the end, you were nothing more that a conquest to the OM, and the video was his trophy.

Not only did you let another man have sex with you, but you further betrayed your husband when you let the other man (OM) make a video of it to show others after the OM dumped you. The fact that your husband and others saw that video will haunt him forever. The video would be a deal breaker for most men.


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## iamjaney (Jun 24, 2013)

TRy said:


> You complimenting the other man (OM) for recording you having sex with him, by saying that he was an "adventurous person", must really hurt your husband because it shows that you still falsely admire the other man. The other man did not record it because he is adventurous. He did it so that he could show it to his buddies, which is a great humiliation to your husband. The video shows that you had so fully given yourself over to the OM, that you did not have enough respect for your husband to be discrete. In the end, you were nothing more that a conquest to the OM, and the video was his trophy.
> 
> Not only did you let another man have sex with you, but you further betrayed your husband when you let the other man (OM) make a video of it to show others after the OM dumped you. The fact that your husband and others saw that video will haunt him forever. The video would be a deal breaker for most men.


I might have used the wrong term, but I didn't say that to compare him with my H. He didn't record it also to share with his friends, he record it just to experiment. I'm not complimenting him or what, I'm just stating facts. And also I am only the one who had the copy which I should have deleted immediately. Nevertheless, I know its my fault and I really regret that. I know I might be judged by some people but its the least that I worry about right now.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

iamjaney said:


> Thank you for all the comments that were posted. As much as I want to think that this is not real but unfortunately it is. Forevermemorable, thank you for understanding my situation, I hope that he can also do that. And yes, he doesn’t want to talk to a MC. I’m sure that I really hurt him big time that even for the past two years, he still not able to get over that. I am doing my best but I guess some of the posters here are right, the love that we had is forever lost. Why is it so very hard to accept the truth? I cant live without him, yes I made that silly mistake and at some point I want him to just forget about that and move on with our life, with the future that lies beneath us.. But it is not that easy for him and I understand that. I just want us to be complete, I just want to show him that I really regret what I did and I want to show him how much I love him. I hate myself that I’ve done that and the things that are happening to us right now, the hurt that I’m feeling, I’m thinking that I deserve all this. I’ve come to the point again that I could not also forgive myself for that, my whole life would not be enough for that. I can’t do anything right now but to let him go and wait for all my prayers to be answered (if it will be answered).


Silly mistake? That's like saying that the A-bomb is just a firecracker. The first thing you need to accept is that you ( nobody else) have destroyed your marriage and your wants and needs are , right now, not important to anybody , least of all , to you, yourself.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

I dont beleive you that it was a one time thing and you took the video of it and kept it for future use. But which cheater told the truth completely.

Any way the video your adventurous OM shoot nailed your marriage right on the head and declared dead.

Your husband tried for two yrs but he couldn't give it a life. So he is trying to move on with his life.


Let him go, stop playing lovey dovey with him any more. but be there for him, you owe him that because with your SILLY MISTAKE you destroyed him in the worst way.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Well Jay I am late to this one but let me ask some questions so I can get feel for the situation

1. What have you done since discovery? NC with OM? Open phone? All passwords given? Letter of apology? What actions have you taken. You see to help you I have to know what you have tried.

2. Have you had IC?

3. Read any books on how to recover from an affair?

My questions are directed at the simple fact that for you it was years ago for him it is always today. I think we can help you get somewhere either with him or not but at least out if limbo. You also need to commit to this 100%. I won't kid this is bad and you may not win but we can help you make a hell of a fight.

If you commit 100% I will tell you right now by the end of it you will ZERO doubt that you did it all to save your family.


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## iamjaney (Jun 24, 2013)

CEL said:


> Well Jay I am late to this one but let me ask some questions so I can get feel for the situation
> 
> 1. What have you done since discovery? NC with OM? Open phone? All passwords given? Letter of apology? What actions have you taken. You see to help you I have to know what you have tried.
> 
> ...


After discovery, no contact at all with OM, passwords and all those stuffs, I willingly give access to H. I wrote him letters of apology and we also talked about that for quite some time. More than a year ago, we haven't talked about it anymore but during times when we have petty quarrels (like he went home drunk, caught him flirting someone), he will eventually brought back that subject. I didn't do anything that will be questionable for him or giving him reasons to be doubtful about me. I left my job after the discovery, also no contact with common friends with OM. Stayed home most of the time to take care of the kids, we had another 1 kid less than a year ago so I devoted most of my time with the family. (yep, i know these are not enough)

I haven't tried IC, but I think I will give it a try.

No, I didn't read books on how to recover affair because at that time that I had NC with OM, I ended or I already recovered from that affair. Only recently, that I'm reading stuffs about fixing marriage, infidelity issues, separation etc..


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

iamjaney said:


> And yes, as much as it hurts, I also told him that he can sleep with someone else and we’ll see if that would help him. I am so helpless that I suggested that. At some point, I am convincing myself that yes you have to but there’s something in my mind that telling me that it is not right and will not be healthy for both of us. It will hurt him; it will hurt the family and even if it is not significant anymore, I will also be hurt.


You cannot be more correct about what you said above. Listen to that still small voice speak to your heart and mind. Two wrongs do not make a right! Let me say that again...two wrongs do not make a right. I don't care what anyone else says, your husband has no right to sleep with whomever he chooses. This is called retaliation, rebound, vengeance, and yes, infidelity. It cannot be justified under any terms, circumstances, or morality.



iamjaney said:


> I'll just give him what he needs, his freedom because as what most of the posters here said I don't have any right to be happy anymore or to be loved again by him because of that mistake that I did. I understand that and I am feeling that way also.


This cannot be further from the truth Janey. You have every right to be happy just as much as anyone else. Stop beating yourself up about this...stop condemning yourself! I believe that you have a remorseful, grievess, apologetic, and sincere heart. You realized the wrong that you have done and repented from adultery. The word "repent" means to turn from or in other words, to do a 180 degree turn from the opposite direction. You are no longer pursuing after lustful entices and intentions, but have thrown yourself at the mercy of your husband. You have also exposed yourself in this forum, with sharing your sins and seeking out help and advice. I commend you for it, because there are scores of individuals out there today, who hide their sins. In fact, all those who read this, what in your life are your hiding from loved ones...from God.

Don't let the posters in this forum, the negative voices in your head, or anyone else condemn you any longer with your contrite heart. You are broken, in pain, sorrowful...you are someone who deserves redemption, in my opinion. Janey, you are still a person and I want to tell you how special you are in the eyes of God. God does not look down on you with disgust or disdain. In fact, I am reminded of a situation in the Bible where an adulterous women was brought before Jesus to be judged. The Jewish customs were told to stone to death an adulterous person. Jesus said to the Jewish accusers of this lady, "Let he is without sin, cast the first stone." And by that, all of the adulterous women's accusers left; whereas this adulterous women stood alone before Jesus' present. Of course, Jesus being without sin, could have cast a stone at this women, but He forgave the adulterous women and told her, "Go and sin no more" (with regards to adultery).

The society we live in judges sin differently than God judges sin. We as a society are so harsh on people that have been exposed and we pick up stones. I think we have all heard the expression, "Whenever you are pointing a finger at someone, there are always three fingers pointing back." This speaks of your very fingers that are folded in the palm of your hand, pointing back at yourself. The expression is saying that before you cast stones and judge another, remember to examine yourself and see if there are any shortcomings, sins, failures, etc.

Janey, I know that as your husband leaves, he is stepping out to the unknown and you are hopelessly without hope. This is probably the most difficult time you have ever faced in life and I would encourage you to stay connected with a close gal friend who can encourage you and lift you up...to be there for you, to hear you out, to cry with, to give you a hug. I really wish and hope all the best for you Janey and your husband and your family.

I believe in restoration! I believe that you can shine once again in your marriage and in life. If I may, I want to leave your with a passage from the Bible that spoke to my heart to share with you, found in Deuteronomy 31:6, "Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you."


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Thus sayeth The Lord....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Please stop calling it a silly mistake. It wasn't a mistake, it was a choice. And it was far from silly.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

The OP comes across as very immature.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Please stop calling it a silly mistake. It wasn't a mistake, it was a choice. And it was far from silly.


I agree with you. It wasn't an accident, but a choice. A choice that may haunt Janey for the rest of her life, but it doesn't have to be so. Janey can get victory over this by not treading down the path of youthful lust and passion, but remaining faithful with her thoughts and actions. Janey as a person is not an accident. She was created for a plan and purpose...faults, failures, sins, and all.



LostViking said:


> The OP comes across as very immature.


Really LostViking, what does this have to do with anything or anyone. Whether your observation is correct or not, how do your words help Janey? How do your words build her up?

For all those who have replied in this thread or are reading this...lets put off attacking, ripping apart, mocking, scorning, belittling, and condemning Janey. Is Janey perfect? Of course she is not and the same goes for the rest of us. Did Janey make a terrible mistake in her marriage? Of course she did. Is Janey remorseful, grieving, apologetic, and seeking out to be restored? Of course she is. I would gladly accept and embrace a thousand Janeys over those who hide their sin AND over those who would discourage and mock someone who is trying to right a wrong and someone who is trying to get up on their feet again.

I am not here (as you can read my comments before) to defend Janey for her actions, but to restore, encourage, lift up, and just love on Janey as best I can with my words. That is what we all need when our world seems to be crashing in on us.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

forevermemorable said:


> You cannot be more correct about what you said above. Listen to that still small voice speak to your heart and mind. Two wrongs do not make a right! Let me say that again...two wrongs do not make a right. I don't care what anyone else says, your husband has no right to sleep with whomever he chooses. This is called retaliation, rebound, vengeance, and yes, infidelity. It cannot be justified under any terms, circumstances, or morality.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Great surmon! It is good to encourage the heart.

I think the issue is that she destroyed her husband's heart. The pieces may never be put back together again.

Go forth young sinner! Be free! 

Please allow you devestated husband the same opportunity when he finally walks away and files for a D.

This stuff is really, really hard to understand until it happens to you. Forgiveness is not saying it. It is a change of heart. He might not have enough of his left to do that.

Good discussion. These different views help us understand each other better.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

iamjaney said:


> After discovery, no contact at all with OM, passwords and all those stuffs, I willingly give access to H. I wrote him letters of apology and we also talked about that for quite some time. More than a year ago, we haven't talked about it anymore but during times when we have petty quarrels (like he went home drunk, caught him flirting someone), he will eventually brought back that subject. I didn't do anything that will be questionable for him or giving him reasons to be doubtful about me. I left my job after the discovery, also no contact with common friends with OM. Stayed home most of the time to take care of the kids, we had another 1 kid less than a year ago so I devoted most of my time with the family. (yep, i know these are not enough)
> 
> I haven't tried IC, but I think I will give it a try.
> 
> No, I didn't read books on how to recover affair because at that time that I had NC with OM, I ended or I already recovered from that affair. Only recently, that I'm reading stuffs about fixing marriage, infidelity issues, separation etc..



Okay so the first question are you in the fight 100% or are you just going to try and see what happens. The following is all about you being in it I am going to separate some things because you have a few fronts you need to fight on. So lets get started.

YOU

1. You need IC I am not sure if you need it now or should wait IC is going to put you first and will help with your self confidence which I feel is deeply damaged.

2. You do deserve to be loved. You do deserve to be treasured. You do deserve to be forgiven. You do deserve to be number 1 in someones life. You need to tell yourself these things no matter what you did these are still things that are true.

3. I don't want to hear anymore of this he can cheat or date or text girls because of what you did. This makes no sense at all infidelity ruins relationships it NEVER makes them better. You don't deserve to be cheated on in any of these ways from now on you need to take that stance. Stop allowing him to make this link it is wrong and only damages you and him morally. Stand up for what is right you above all should know the damage cheating does NEVER CONDONE it.

4. Do not allow others to hurt you. This is simple as it is also the foundation of a good relationship.


HIM

1. Has he move out? If so where?

2. Does he want to work on this?

3. Is he wiling to go to MC? Read books? Overall where is he at.

4. Is he actively trying to hook up with others?

Starting steps

1. Make a simple statement write a letter explaining why you are in this relationship. Why you want to be with him. How much this family means to you. Stay away from your affair, stay away from his actions, stay away from hard times this is a declaration of intent that YOU will fight to keep together.

2. You have a good grasp on the measure needed to restore trust but you missed the measures needed to make a new marriage after the affair. So he does not believe you are cheating but his love never recovered. Your affair killed the old marriage after it you needed to make a new one and you did not instead you put some wallpaper up but the foundation was rotted so you need to do some work now. Here are the books you need to read.
Surviving an Affair
His Needs Her Needs
Love Busters

3. Go to this site AFFAIRCARE | …nouthetic, Christian care after an affair. it has a tone of information on how to RECOVER from an affair. Also you can PM this person Talk About Marriage - View Profile: Affaircare ask her help on your thread as far as reconciliation I don't know anyone better. She is wicked smart and good. Just the help you need.


So that is a start once oh and keep posting you are heading into a rough time and this site can get you through it. We do care about you.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

LostViking said:


> Thus sayeth The Lord....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


True, but god forgives all sins. Not man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

iamjaney said:


> Hi guys, I am new here and some advice will really help me a lot.


iamjaney~

Thank you for sending me a Private Message (PM). CEL actually sends a lot of people my way, so earlier today I read your whole thread and I'll do my best to help. 

The first thing I notice is that you wrote one whole, big, long paragraph rather than breaking it up, and that's a little hard to read...so I broke it up for you, okay? My reply to each "section" or paragraph is below each quoted part. 

The second thing I notice is that your English is very good and I completely understood everything you wrote, but it's not your native language is it? Or maybe you learned English growing up but you are from a country other than the USA, Canada, England or Australia. Is that right? 

If so, I'll let you know now that most of the advice that people give has the legal system of the USA in mind or the US society in mind. For example, in the USA, it's not very typical for a wife to tolerate her husband's drinking and then calling her bad names or raging. In western society that would be abusive and considered a justification for leaving the marriage; whereas in some other cultures leaving a marriage would be inconceivable and a very big disgrace...even for sexual indiscretions! In western society we might advise someone to file for divorce and move out but people would not move in with their father or mother; whereas in other cultures if a lady were to leave her husband it would be most reasonable for her to return to her mom and dad's home to protect her and her good name. 

Thus, if you are not from the USA or from a different culture it would be helpful to know that fact, because the VAST MAJORITY of people who write on here have that "western culture" viewpoint, and respond with advice from that position. That may not make sense to you and your situation. 



> I'll try to keep this as short as possible. My hubby and I are 6 years married, 8 years together and we have two kids. Two years ago, I was involved in an affair with a friend, its not really an emotional one. I know this is wrong but I just did it to find some sort of outlet in my very stressing married life during those times (My hubby don’t have a work that time, I am the bread winner in our family and we are leaving with my mom and siblings. There is also a conflict between him and my mom during that time). We had a one night stand and because that guy is and adventurous person, we had it record in a video. At that point also, I thought I fell for him which made me somewhat distant from my hubby.


Okay so just as a recap, you were married for four years, and then you had a physical affair, and you say it was "with a friend"--do you mean it was a man who was YOUR friend or your husband's friend? You said it was not an emotional one...so did you just one day, out of the blue, say to this other male person who was a friend, "Hey let's have sex. I feel horny and life at home is stressful so I need to release some pressure"? OR did you flirt a bit, tell him all your problems, feel like he listened and understood and cared about you, and feel close to him like he was your best friend? If it was the second one, then it was an emotional affair too that eventually got so close that you also had sex with him one time. 

You say your husband did not have work at that time, and you were living with your mom and siblings. Here in the USA, when people marry they usually do NOT go back to living with their parents because parents love to try to control their kids and undermine their child's spouse. So I'm not sure if that's how it is in your culture, but if a man here didn't have a job and had to move in with his in-laws...he would be humiliated and feel like less of a man. AND chances are good his wife would look at him like he couldn't take care of her and wasn't very responsible--she would lose respect for him. The amount of respect that a wife has for her husband is EXTREMELY important, and if you two had gotten to the point that you were losing respect for him as a man, chances are very high that contributed a LOT to your affair and is an enormous blow to his ego.

Finally you mention that the other man was "adventurous"--so I'm guessing it was a little exhilarating and exciting to be doing something so secret and kind of naughty like making a video. Now I'm not going to say making a sex video is good, bad or otherwise--maybe it's the kind of thing you like sexually. After all it is creative, edgy, and something new and there is nothing wrong with wanting something other than boring, predictable sex. But the issue I do see is that by calling and thinking of the other man as "adventurous" you also imply that your husband was a man who was (and maybe IS) not adventurous. This another way of losing respect for your husband, and another enormous blow to his ego. In his head, he is not as fun as the friend, not as creative and exciting, and doesn't stand up to him. Sooo...your husband's ego is harmed. 



> After two months, my hubby found out. He saw the video and saw my diary where he read that I already love the guy and I was hurt when he left me for someone else. I panicked during this time, my hubby is threatening to leave me and bring my daughter away from me. I beg for his forgiveness and I told him that I will change if he will just give me a second chance. He was so hurt that time and he told me that he’s been doing his best to be a good husband to me even if there are times that I am ignoring him and he felt that I really don’t love him. But he gave me the second chance. I changed not only for him and my family but also for myself because after that incident I found out that I really love him and I don’t want him to leave me.


So you saw the light. You didn't want to lose your family for a short-term thrill, and you asked for a second chance and you changed. 

What did you change? Will you tell me what is different about you now? And what did your husband do to change? Did you get a job? Move out of your parents' house? Become a creative lover? What did you two do to recover from this (if anything)?



> We were okay after that, we even had our second child. And the two months ago, we are having issues again. This time, it was his.. I found out he’s texting a work mate, I've read the messages and he was telling that girl our previous problem where the girl is being sympathetic to him for having such a horrible wife. I was furious when I found this out, I confronted him and he said he’s just trying if the girl will fall for him, nothing serious.. So I forgave him and tell him that even if it is hard I’ll be trusting him again. And then after a week, we fight again over his drinking problems and another week he’s flirting again with another girl. Issues are coming over and over, they are all the same, he’s not giving importance to me anymore.


Sooooo...he said right out loud that he was trying to get another lady at work to "fall for him" and he gets drunk and he flirts with another girl? I agree with you, this sounds serious! But I think the serious issue is a little your issue and a little his issue. See, he let himself get into a position of being a male person who is not longer the MAN of his FAMILY. He lost his job and could not provide. He lived with his wife's parents. He let his wife screw another man and took it! She even made a sex video and he took her back!! In his head his ego is probably broken all to pieces, and one of the ways he builds his ego back up is by having the girl at work "fall for him" and flirting with the other girl and being drunk so he can be all angry. It's his issue because he is responsible for making the choices that put him in this position. 

But it's your issue because as a wife, part of your job is to "forsake all others" and learn about your husband and learn how to love him. Part of your job as a wife is to learn what makes your husband feel loved, appreciated, desired, and manly. He has to do his part...yes he does...but you also need to do your part. See, for things to really change and be better BOTH of you have to do things differently. And one thing you need to understand is that even if life was stressful and not very pleasant, your choice to commit adultery hurt your husband so deeply that it probably changed him forever. He didn't make you do that--just like you are not making him flirt with the girls--but some of what you have done in the past and are doing now contributes to a situation where he is vulnerable to the advances of unscrupulous women. 



> During our fights, he’ll bring back the issue I had previously. I was hurt because I thought we already move on to that, and I showed him that I really changed. There are times, I asked him to just leave us because he’s ignoring already my feelings, after he committed a mistake, he’ll ask for forgiveness, I’ll give that to him then after a week or two, it will happen again.


Well bear in mind that your affair is the ultimate thing he can throw up and win a fight. Any time you two argue, and he feels like he is losing or he has to defend himself, all he has to do to win is bring up adultery! Thus, even though you may have already "moved on" it would seem pretty obvious he has not. And probably he has not because rather than say "Hey I love you so let's both work on what we did wrong" you two sort of ignored it and pretended it didn't happen. That doesn't fix things--it just covers it up. 

If you keep doing things as you are, it's like a cycle and it will keep on happening: you will fight--> he will explode and bring up the affair--> you ask him to leave--> he asks for forgiveness--> things are tense between you two --> you will fight--> he will explode and bring up the affair, etc. on and on! If you want to break this cycle that means you have to do something different. Maybe try this: next time he tries to fight, don't disagree with him. Just say "It sounds like you think XYZ and I don't necessarily agree with you, but is that your opinion?" No matter how he tries to get you to fight just keep saying that. 



> And then last week, he told me he had a work but then I found out he didn't go to work but to a drinking session with his office mates. I confronted him and this time he told me he wants us to be separated. I was confused because he just told me a month ago that he can’t live without me. He also bring back the issue I had two years ago and he’s telling me it has been haunting him even in his dreams. I beg for him not to leave us and fix the issues we have in our marriage but then again he’s not showing any effort anymore. He told me, he’ll stay not because he loves me but because of the kids. I was hurt, I really want to fix our marriage but he seems not interested about that. We are still living with each other right now.


Well living together gives you more opportunity to fix things, but may I just point out something to you? You know how right now you can see your husband getting further and further away from you? And you know how it is hurting you so much that he's not staying because he loves you? And you know how he doesn't even want to TRY to fix it anymore and it makes you feel very sad and hurt? 

Yeah. That is EXACTLY how he felt when you were having your affair with the "friend." He saw you getting further and further away from him. He could tell something was wrong. It hurt him that you didn't love him or respect him as a man anymore. And it made him very sad and hurt that you didn't even want to TRY to fix it with him anymore. 

iamjaney, can you maybe step into his shoes a little bit and understand now just how much harm your affair did? Can you empathize? Is there any way you can set your own hurt and disappointment and whatnot aside for a moment and say "Oh my gosh, this what I'm feeling right here is what I put him through!" and then somehow communicate to him that you did not "get it" before how you had hurt him and disrespected him as the man of his family and harmed his ego...but you "get it" now because you have gotten a taste of it from him? 

If you can do this...and try to reach out to him like a person who cares about him (not love like a husband and wife, but care like one very good friend for another), it is conceivable you two could both change the way you treat each other and begin to rebuild some love into your marriage. I think to do this, you'll probably have to go first, and that's okay. Someone has to--and it may as well be you.



> I hope you can give me some advice. I am thinking if I should still be fighting for our marriage or if I should set him free and give him the trial separation that he wants. I am also confused why he suddenly acts that way, I asked him if he’s seeing someone but he told me no.. please help me guys, your two cents are very important to me.. thanks in advance.


I wouldn't separate from him. He's acting this way because part of his heart wants someone to build up his ego. The girls at work pay attention to him. They think he is handsome or interesting. They act like they like seeing him or enjoy hearing him talk or enjoy his company. They are his companions and maybe even say he is smart. I bet he WANTS his own wife to act like that.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Wow awesome post Affaircare. Sorry that I send so many your way it really is a sign of my respect. If I was in the shoes of a WS or BS you would be who I would want to help me get out. End thread jack.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

This meeting of the Mutual Admiration Society is adjourned. 

:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Remains said:


> This is real?


exactly.


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## iamjaney (Jun 24, 2013)

Thank you very much affaircare for taking time to read and analyze my situation. Yes, I am not American, I am Asian. But I grew up using English as my second language. And I completely understand your point that we all have different culture and different beliefs and we have to consider that in giving out advices or suggestions to someone.

We have close family ties in our culture and a tradition of extended family. I am the eldest to my 3 sibs and when my father passed away when I was 18, I promised him that I’ll take charge of the family. I met my hubby when I was 19 and at 20 we had our first child and got married at 21. (I am just 27 right now and hubby is turning 30). We are living with my mom and my sibs from the start. And there are times when he was complaining about this because I understand it is also hard for him to live with them especially during those times when he didn’t have work and is just staying at home taking care of our child. We talked about this recently, he told me even from the start I am not listening to him and I always ignored his feelings. I was blind about this fact; my main priority at that time is to work hard and hard to provide for my family. 




Affaircare said:


> What did you change? Will you tell me what is different about you now? And what did your husband do to change? Did you get a job? Move out of your parents' house? Become a creative lover? What did you two do to recover from this (if anything)?


I changed my way of thinking, my priorities and I am becoming more and more considerate and affectionate with what he feels. It is now only, that I understand what he went through, his feelings, where are those emotions coming from. And I am doing ways on how I could possibly help and support him. I told him, we could live on our own once we settled everything like finances and who will take care of the children. Previously, we are not talking about what happened because we agreed to just forget about that and move on with our life, that is after I explained to him what happened. But, I am wrong because he didn’t completely move on. If I know that he’s feeling that way even from the start then we could have think and do ways to work it out. I am opening conversation with him regarding that again thinking that this method will help him recover, but he’s resisting it. We still have sex but he told me after the deed that he’s haunted again by those painful images/ memories. (But we are having better if not best, right now). I can’t do anything about this, I am helpless, I really want to help him, unburden him, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I told him to just think of positive things, but he said it’s not working. This is why he decided to have a separation so he can recover from all this.



Affaircare said:


> If you can do this...and try to reach out to him like a person who cares about him (not love like a husband and wife, but care like one very good friend for another), it is conceivable you two could both change the way you treat each other and begin to rebuild some love into your marriage. I think to do this, you'll probably have to go first, and that's okay. Someone has to--and it may as well be you.


Yes affaircare, I am really experiencing what he went through before. He’s drifting away from me just what I did to him. And I know the hurt I am feeling right now is way below from what he had when he saw the video. That is why I understand him and there are times that I just want to let him do what he wanted to do. But being a wife, there are times that I I just can’t remain sitting in a corner while waiting some other girl take away my husband. And this quite hard for me because I don’t know where to stand, shall I allow him because after all it’s my fault or shall I fight for him because I love him and I am still his wife. 

There are times now that I asked him if he thinks that I love him, he’s saying that he’s feeling that. And he knew I’ve done my best to change not only for him and for our family but also for myself. But he still wants to separate  I’ve done everything to plead him not to because I know we can get over with all this if we are together. We can support and help each other but he wanted some space to think things over. I agree with this already and once he left, I guess I’ll just concentrate with the kids and how can I move on alone. It’s just sad that I don’t have anymore chance to show him how much I love him.


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## iamjaney (Jun 24, 2013)

forevermemorable said:


> Y
> This cannot be further from the truth Janey. You have every right to be happy just as much as anyone else. Stop beating yourself up about this...stop condemning yourself! I believe that you have a remorseful, grievess, apologetic, and sincere heart. You realized the wrong that you have done and repented from adultery. The word "repent" means to turn from or in other words, to do a 180 degree turn from the opposite direction. You are no longer pursuing after lustful entices and intentions, but have thrown yourself at the mercy of your husband. You have also exposed yourself in this forum, with sharing your sins and seeking out help and advice. I commend you for it, because there are scores of individuals out there today, who hide their sins. In fact, all those who read this, what in your life are your hiding from loved ones...from God.
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you very much forevermemorable. Upon reading your post, I always have positive things in my mind. I hope me and hubby can surpass all these and start all over again or build a new life for both of us. I have great faith in God and I'm encouraging him to have that too.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You husband needs help to deal with the big part of him that died when he saw and heard you giving yourself to the OM.

Part of him died when he saw you willingly having sex with the OM.

I find it surprising that you only had sex once with the OM, yet in that one time you let him film you and do sex acts that you refuse to do with your husband. Especially when you said you loved the OM. I would have thought you'd find a way to have more sex with the OM if you felt that way about him.

Was it really only once?


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You husband needs help to deal with the big part of him that died when he saw and heard you giving yourself to the OM.
> 
> Part of him died when he saw you willingly having sex with the OM.
> 
> ...


What are you getting at Shaggy? Very discouraging and you are beating the topic to death. What you write has already been said many times in this thread. What are you getting at? Why don't you say what you mean, instead of questioning Janey in such a condemning and accusing way. When you use words like "I find it surprising" and "Especially" and "Was it really one once" paints you as someone only interested in attacking and condemning. Stop your negativity towards Janey...its not right or fair.


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## iamjaney (Jun 24, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> You husband needs help to deal with the big part of him that died when he saw and heard you giving yourself to the OM.
> 
> Part of him died when he saw you willingly having sex with the OM.
> 
> ...


yes, it was only once. Okay, OM is a new found friend of mine at that time. We are usually texting each other and going out with our common friends, drinking and hanging out. There’s no really EA going on between us, we seldom talk about each others life, just the common stuffs. He is liberated (I am not praising him) and he is open to idea of friends doing the deed with no strings attached. I don’t know what I am thinking about during that time, maybe curiosity and I am so immature and selfish, I thought about myself only. And then we both agreed to film that. He asked me to delete that immediately (he also had a girlfriend at that time and by the way, its my phone that we used) but I wasn’t able to do so and that is the biggest mistake in my life. Hubby found that out. Same with the diary. (on the diary, after the deed happened, I had these fantasies that I am falling for him because of that experience and the short-lived happiness that it gave me). It’s not really OM just ONS with a friend. And when hubby found that out, I was like, what have I done? I love my hubby and I don’t want to lose him. It just not damaged the relationship but myself also. I felt dirty and it was the lowest point in my life.


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## iamjaney (Jun 24, 2013)

forevermemorable said:


> What are you getting at Shaggy? Very discouraging and you are beating the topic to death. What you write has already been said many times in this thread. What are you getting at? Why don't you say what you mean, instead of questioning Janey in such a condemning and accusing way. When you use words like "I find it surprising" and "Especially" and "Was it really one once" paints you as someone only interested in attacking and condemning. Stop your negativity towards Janey...its not right or fair.


Forevermemorable, are you my guardian angel? Thank you very much for the concern and understanding that you are showing me. But I understand that everyone has their own opinion. Don’t worry Ill help myself be optimistic and I wont let them down me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

forevermemorable said:


> What are you getting at Shaggy? Very discouraging and you are beating the topic to death. What you write has already been said many times in this thread. What are you getting at? Why don't you say what you mean, instead of questioning Janey in such a condemning and accusing way. When you use words like "I find it surprising" and "Especially" and "Was it really one once" paints you as someone only interested in attacking and condemning. Stop your negativity towards Janey...its not right or fair.


I made a single post, so it's nit beating it to death.

I'm asking honest and reasonable questions because to help her best the full truth needs to be laid out, offering someone niceties and "I'm so sorry" is not going to help fix her marriage.

Bottom line - if she has any hope she needs to directly deal with her husbands emotional destruction causes by her cheating,

But frankly her story does not add up, and it wouldn't be the first time poster massively edited the truth to make their affair less awful sounding.

It doesn't make sense the way she claims it was only a ONS. Who video tapes their first ONS? Typically cheaters are so busy getting into the fact that they are now going to have sex for the first time, you don't pause and ask if you can record it and then go about positioning the camera.

That leads me to think there is a whole lot more to this story than as been told, and if we are to help we do need to know the truth.

I didn't ask what she did with the OM, frankly don't care for those details, but the full extent of the affair does matter.


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## iamjaney (Jun 24, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> But frankly her story does not add up, and it wouldn't be the first time poster massively edited the truth to make their affair less awful sounding.
> 
> It doesn't make sense the way she claims it was only a ONS. Who video tapes their first ONS? Typically cheaters are so busy getting into the fact that they are now going to have sex for the first time, you don't pause and ask if you can record it and then go about positioning the camera.


Who am I fooling Shaggy if I don’t tell the whole truth in here? And what would it do to me if I wont tell the whole truth, will I be forgiven by my hubby, will we be able to fix our marriage? No! so you see, I don’t have any reason to hide anything and its up to you to believe on that. If you don’t, I don’t care because my priority now is my family, I don’t mind whatever you think about me.

It was a planned ONS. Two individuals mutually agreed to do the deed and film that, just for the kicks. No strings attached, no whatever, its like two actors doing a scene in a movie. AGAIN, I am not saying that what I did is right. That is why I am here to ask for some help and suggestions, not to be condemned. 


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

iamjaney said:


> Who am I fooling Shaggy if I don’t tell the whole truth in here? And what would it do to me if I wont tell the whole truth, will I be forgiven by my hubby, will we be able to fix our marriage? No! so you see, I don’t have any reason to hide anything and its up to you to believe on that. If you don’t, I don’t care because my priority now is my family, I don’t mind whatever you think about me.
> 
> It was a planned ONS. Two individuals mutually agreed to do the deed and film that, just for the kicks. No strings attached, no whatever, its like two actors doing a scene in a movie. AGAIN, I am not saying that what I did is right. That is why I am here to ask for some help and suggestions, not to be condemned. 


Where did I condem ? I questioned things that did not add up.

But I will say you are pretty quick to get your hackles up when questioned. Do you react to your husband in the same way? If do that will not be helping him regain trust in any way.

I will say, your description of the affair, the way to planned it, the way to even filmed it, seems a bit callous.

Is your husband also seeing that? Has he mentioned it?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And btw, many many former cheaters come here and do not tell the full story, even when questioned so do not be offended when you do get questioned. As a WW the choices you made show you cannot be fully trusted, so it is entirely reasonable and not hostile to respectfully as questions when things do not add up.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Now back to your marriage problems.

Is your husband using drinking to numb his pain and depression? Is it becoming a daily thing for him to get drunk?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

iamjaney, 

One of the hardest things we have to do as we mature is to realize that our spouses, the people we love in our lives, could literally choose to leave us or betray us at any time. We can not say some "magic words" or do things just right to "make them stay" or "make them love us." So if your husband is flirting around having an emotional affair with the girls at work, and if he is determined to continue no matter what you do, then it is up to him to choose that! As your husband, he stood up and made certain promises to you that he has not made to some of these other women, but he's free to make bad choices and do the wrong thing, and cheating on your spouse is a bad choice and the wrong thing. You made that bad choice and look how much you regret it! But by the same token, look what had to happen to you in order to make you regret it!!!!!!

So the first thing I'd say to you is that you will need to stop thinking, "Well if I do this or that or be a good wife, he'll love me and I can make him come back." No. You can't. He has to CHOOSE to want to be there. He has to make that decision all by himself. And part of what will make him want to choose to be there is having a wife that respects and admires him--the other part of what will make him want to choose to be there is within him...his own self-respect and his own morals.

The second thing I'd say is that things are pretty much a mess right now, and a lot of that ( a LOT) is from your own affair and then from basically ignoring it and pretending it would go away. It will not. Just pretending that the elephant is not there does not actually mean there is no elephant--you're just ignoring it! Well in your marriage, you had a husband who wasn't providing for the family, who wasn't the man of his home, and who was not as exciting. He knew you felt like that, and he felt like a worm because of it. You drifted away and he knew you were drifting just like you know he's drifting now. But what happens so often is that people use someone else's bad choice to justify their own bad choice. NO!!! His choice to not be the man of his family did not justify your choice to cheat; and your choice to not respect your husband does not justify his choice to cheat now. BOTH of you need to stop turning to others, and BOTH of you need to do what you need to do in your marriage, whether the other guy does their job or not. BE a wife, janey--whether he's a husband or not. Let him choose to be a husband--you keep your focus on you doing your job. 

Sooooo...if he is bound and determined to separate and carry on with this flirting and whatnot you can not "make" him stay. But just because HE makes a bad choice does not mean you have to make a bad choice too. One wrong does not excuse another! So if you have not done so, I would start with an up-front, no-holds-barred apology right now. The sooner the better. Now, you are not groveling here or accepting responsibility for his choices (nope, he's choosing to try to get others to "fall for him" and he made a promise to forsake all others for you). But when you apologize, you ARE accepting responsibility for YOU and YOUR OWN CHOICES and what you did wrong. Don't hint. Don't think "Oh he knows I'm sorry." No--say it right out!

I personally use the REPS method of apologizing. REPS are the first letters of a really good apology:

*R--Responsibility.* Don't blame someone else for what you chose to do; be an adult and take personal responsibility. You had sex with another man, broke your vows, committed adultery and TAPED IT. Say it...like that.
*E--Empathize.* Put yourself in the other guys' shoes. Tell them what you guess that made them feel like...or what they may have thought. Use words that describe emotions, and let them know you think it's natural they'd be very angry.
*P--Plan.* Here's where the rubber hits the road. By doing things the way they were before it lead to this bad thing, so here's where you say some ways that you plan to change YOU. You tell them "Here's what I plan to do so this never, ever happens again, and you are completely free to check and make sure I'm following my plan." Because here's the thing: if your actions do not match your words--if you promise and then don't follow through--you didn't mean your apology! 
*S--Safety.* Right now, your spouse/partner is hurt and in unsafe territory. The rug has been pulled out from under them. Soooo...to apologize properly and really mean it, you have to let them know that you ENCOURAGE them to do whatever they need to do in order to feel safe. Now, it's not carte blanche to go out and have sex with others to even the score! But this is to say "Hey I hurt you and I understand you may not feel safe around me right now, so please do whatever you need to do in order to feel and be safe."

Okay after your own your own issues and things you did wrong, I would ask him right out to end his affairs and ask if he'd be willing for BOTH of you to put all other human beings OUT OF YOUR MARRIAGE and just focus on each other. My guess would be that he will not be willing to do this of his own accord right now. At which point I would tell him that you would LOVE to honor your vow and be his wife and respect him like you should have been doing all along, but you can't do that with three people in the marriage. Tell him that it hurts you deeply but if he wants to separate you will not stop him--and that you will have no further contact with him whatsoever as long as there is a mistress in the picture. Let him know you love yourself and respect him, but that you will not continue to pretend everything is okay and lie to people, and that when people ask you will tell them the full and real truth: namely that you made a HUGE mistake and had an affair and humiliated him, but that you saw the light and changed how you acted and what was valuable to you....that you asked him to work on the marriage and save the family, but that flirting with girls at work was more valuable to him and so he left you and his family and children for someone who is not his wife. 

I know this sounds kind of harsh, but you know how you sort of lost respect for him because he was wishy-washy and didn't stand up for himself and his family and "be the man"? In a way, he needs you to stand up for your family now and be the wife! You need to admit that you disrespected him and understand how he'd feel really low and bad...and you did that to him! But that while you are more than willing to accept the responsibility and consequences for what you did, that you will not accept scraps of his love. As his wife, he owes you 100% of his affection and loyalty, and any man who is worth his salt will honor his promises--and you expect that from HIM. 

Does this make sense? It's like being a willow branch. He HAS TO BE THE MAN or his own self-respect dies. That's his job. He has to feel like you look up to him and respect him. But your job is to expect him to be nothing less than "the man" and to encourage him that he can do it and believe in him and accept nothing less. You bend in the wind and but don't be inflexible.


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## iamjaney (Jun 24, 2013)

Yes affaircare, I’ve done some of the things that you’ve mentioned and will do the rest. I find it very helpful in understanding how my hubby reacts right now. But then, due to information overload, there are times that I still feel confused.
He told me there’s no other girl right now; he’s just teasing those girls from work. And it is not the reason why he wants us to separate. He told me he needs time to think things over; he even asked me if he will come back will I accept him again. I’m sorry affaircare, am I making any sense right now?


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## iamjaney (Jun 24, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Now back to your marriage problems.
> 
> Is your husband using drinking to numb his pain and depression? Is it becoming a daily thing for him to get drunk?


yes, i think so. he mentioned, when he's out drinking with his buddies, he felt happy and it's some kind of relief for him. but he's not doing this daily, we had agreed before he can go out with them once a week.

and by the way, your point taken, i should have been prepared because posting in this kind of site will expose myself and not everyone will understand and sympathize. i respect that.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

iamjaney said:


> ... It was a planned ONS. Two individuals mutually agreed to do the deed and film that, just for the kicks. No strings attached, no whatever, its like two actors doing a scene in a movie. AGAIN, I am not saying that what I did is right. That is why I am here to ask for some help and suggestions, not to be condemned.


I see two things in this post:

#1--It sounds to me like sort of an open, swinging kind of thing. I know of people who are not married and into ... well I don't know what to call it but it's like no-strings-attached free love kind of sex. I'd say f*** buddies is close. So envision Russel Brand. I'm sorry but I think that dude would video the first get together! 

#2--iamjaney, you need to understand something, and quick. You are a disloyal spouse who completely demolished your husband's self-esteem, self-worth, self-respect and world! Everything he thought he could trust, he found out he could not and that shook his whole world to the core. Everything he believed in was doubted...EVERY THING. And most of the posters here on TAM: CWI are the spouses who were/are hurting and were betrayed. There's darn few of us disloyals, and here's the fact. You are NOT going to be encouraged or coddled here. If that's what you want, you may as well go elsewhere because no one here is going to minimize what you did or the level of hurt and betrayal it caused. I'm just being realistic--and I don't want you to go, so don't get me wrong! 

Thus you may as well lose the "I didn't come here to be condemned" because the fact of the matter is that the sooner you realize the fullness of what you did and that you actually deserve some level of condemnation, the sooner you'll be able to be honest with yourself and get to work fixing this. 

Let me say this to you again. I was disloyal just like you. You know what I deserve? I deserve to be alone, without the love of my life, without the respect of my children, without our family and all that we built for the future. That would be justice for what I chose to do, but by the grace of God, my Dear Hubby is a kind, loving, generous and yes..forgiving man. He had the moral fortitude to stand when so many other men are driven to their knees, and he was gracious enough to give me a chance to spend the rest of my life proving to him he was not wrong to give me a chance. I deserve some level of condemnation and I got forgiveness: now THAT is LOVE!!


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## iamjaney (Jun 24, 2013)

I understand your point; I’ll just need to contemplate on everything that you said. I know I will be condemned and each of us has the right to do so and I really don’t need some cuddle because, yes, what I need right now is to do things I can do to possibly save my marriage. Thank you so much affaircare, you are really a great help to me..


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## iamjaney (Jun 24, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> Let me say this to you again. I was disloyal just like you. You know what I deserve? I deserve to be alone, without the love of my life, without the respect of my children, without our family and all that we built for the future. That would be justice for what I chose to do, but by the grace of God, my Dear Hubby is a kind, loving, generous and yes..forgiving man. He had the moral fortitude to stand when so many other men are driven to their knees, and he was gracious enough to give me a chance to spend the rest of my life proving to him he was not wrong to give me a chance. I deserve some level of condemnation and I got forgiveness: now THAT is LOVE!!


I hope I will be as lucky as you Affaircare. I am also telling to myself that yes indeed I deserved to be alone and be left by my hubby. But as long as he’s with me right now, I’ll be showing him how much I loved him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What are you doing to rebuild your husbands

1. Trust is you?

2. Your husband self esteem, both emotionally and sexually?

I see the drinking as a way to self medicate with alcohol and for a time escape the pain he feels when he remembers seeing you on the video.

I see him flirting as a way to feel wanted and desired and to prove to himself that he is a man that a woman would find attractive.

Btw, your post where you describe the OM as sexually adventurous, and your husband as not being like the OM, as a huge red flag about your sexual respect for your husband. From your ONS video, your husband knows what you enthusiastically did with the OM, and he's is comparing that to the sex you have with him, and he's concluded that he doesn't measure up. That he is unable to fulfill you like the OM, and that you do not truly desire him.

That's what he's thinking to himself, and what he's running from.

You need to rebuild your husbands confidence in the bedroom if you hope to save your marriage. You killed it, it's now your job to fix it. Otherwise, it's only a matter of time until he gets tired of the fight and leave permanently.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You need to rebuild your husbands confidence in the bedroom if you hope to save your marriage. You killed it, it's now your job to fix it. Otherwise, it's only a matter of time until he gets tired of the fight and leave permanently.


:iagree:


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> iamjaney,
> 
> One of the hardest things we have to do as we mature is to realize that our spouses, the people we love in our lives, could literally choose to leave us or betray us at any time. We can not say some "magic words" or do things just right to "make them stay" or "make them love us." So if your husband is flirting around having an emotional affair with the girls at work, and if he is determined to continue no matter what you do, then it is up to him to choose that! As your husband, he stood up and made certain promises to you that he has not made to some of these other women, but he's free to make bad choices and do the wrong thing, and cheating on your spouse is a bad choice and the wrong thing. You made that bad choice and look how much you regret it! But by the same token, look what had to happen to you in order to make you regret it!!!!!!
> 
> ...


I disagree. I 'Owed" my cheating wife, nothing at all. She forfeited any and all rights to my affection, trust, honesty, faithfulness and desire. SHE did this, not me. So , when I kicked her out of the house, I did what I wanted to do and didn't give her any info , whatsoever. I slept with MANY women, went on vacations, and basically pushed her out of my life. So now we see the results. My ex-wife and I are back together and my self-respect is intact. If there is one piece of advice I think that every BS should learn, is that once his/her spouse cheats, all bets are off!!


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

A marriage contract is exactly that, a contract. If one or the other of the signers of that contract violate it, the contract is null and void.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Right I agree that the contract is broken, null and void once the disloyal spouse cheats. The former contract is ended. 

However, iamjaney is learning that being a wife means doing her job and doing what SHE committed to, whether he does his job or not. She's personally responsible for what she promised and what she chooses; and he is personally responsible for what he promised and what he chooses. 

So in chronological order it was like this:


She promised him and owed him 100%.
He also promised her and owed her 100%.
They made that contract legal.
He wasn't providing or being the man of the family ... so less than 100% but still not breaking the contract.
Don't know what she was or was not doing...
<_At this point if she could have started doing HER JOB and been the wife encouraging him to be the man of the family and respecting him...and if he could have done HIS JOB and been the respectable man, a lot of grief could have been avoided. Both needed to step up here._>
She cheated and broke the contract...
The broken contract has not been legally made null and void.
She wakes up and wants to honor her broken promises.
Her choices are up to her. She can choose to honor her broken promises, but she has to focus on being the wife and doing her job, which is to build respect...not focusing on him, what he's doing, and justifying her behavior on what he's doing. 
His choices are up to him. He can choose to legally void the contract or choose honor the broken promises, but he has to focus on being the husband and doing his job, which is to be the head of his household and be respectable...not focusing on her and what she did, and justifying current bad behavior on her past bad behavior.

In a summary, that contract is broken. He's free to go and the only one with the right to choose to go. She broke it. This is the past, it's done, and it's unchangeable. But in the present, he'd be doing better if he stopped flirting with other girls at work, legally ended what is broken, and stopped numbing with drinking. 

The great, big, gigantic HOWEVER, though, is that iamjaney is here for help, seeking advice and opinions, and he is not. Thus, it makes no sense to say what he could or should be doing. He's not here! She is. And if she chooses to admit she was wrong, do a complete change in the way she was thinking and acting, and start focusing on her doing her own job and don't look at trying to "make him do things"...that would be wise.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> Right I agree that the contract is broken, null and void once the disloyal spouse cheats. The former contract is ended.
> 
> However, iamjaney is learning that being a wife means doing her job and doing what SHE committed to, whether he does his job or not. She's personally responsible for what she promised and what she chooses; and he is personally responsible for what he promised and what he chooses.
> 
> ...


I agree AC with pretty much all of this. However, I think Janey needs to understand that her H is pretty much in limbo right now and is probably considering his options with regards to staying in the marriage or not, whatever he has said to Jany, not withstanding. This flirting is his way of "testing the waters", so to speak and considering the fact that she is the original cheater, I think Janey should cut him a little slack. We all know that one size doesn't fit all, so maybe she should concentrate on herself, and let him make up his own mind without any ultimatums, about the flirting.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

What a tragic story.

I'm new to this cheating business, but I can tell you Janey that you pretty much killed your husband's love for you. 

What you did was inexplicable. Your husband cannot wrap his his head around why you do such things with a guy who was basically a stranger. He probably never will.

I do not see alot of hope in your marriage surviving. But that doesn't mean you should not fight for it.


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