# My story is different...need advice



## amyw46 (Jun 21, 2012)

Hi everyone...Im sorry if this turns out to be long-this is the first time Ive reached out on a board like this. I just really need to hear from someone who may understand..
My soon to be ex and i met our senior year of high school-we both came from troubled homes and were pretty lonely kids-neither of us had had a serious relationship before. He fell very hard for me, and I did love him too, but deep down I fear he always loved me more.I just didnt want to be alone. 

Fast forward a few years- we married young (19 and 20). After a year or so I met someone at my job that I really liked. Nothing ever happened with it, but I truly think that was the foundation of my unhappiness. At 23 we started our family-I really wanted a baby and to be a SAH mom, and even though money has always been tight, we made that work, as 2 more kids came along. As the years went on, I became totally immersed in my kids lives, basically leaving my husband in the dust. Deep down I just wasnt happy with him, even though he was ALWAYS a loving and supportive spouse to me. Always fightiing for us, and me, and I never gave him what he deserved. Not intentionally, and alot of this im learning in hindsight, which is 20/20...One other time i did actually tell him I wanted a divorce, a few years ago, but we ended up fixing things, or so I thought.

Fast forward to present. Our kids are almost grown, youngest is leaving for college in August. My husband and I were just in our way of things, pretty distant but friendly most of the time. In March i accidently came upon an email in which he was talking o his mom about hiring a lawyer for a divorce. I was so clueless I didnt see it coming. if i hadnt seen it i would have had papers served w/o any warning. But ultimatley he was adamant that he was tired of trying to win my love and affection. We agreed he stay home till our daughter graduated in may. During that time I did my best to try to prove that I did want to love him and make things better. We actually got pretty close, were more physically connected than we have been in a long time. But, in June, my husband of 26 years packed up and took a new job, 5 hours away. Its been just a couple of weeks, but this has absolutely devesated me. I cant describe the guilt I feel for destroying our family because I wasnt the wife I should have been, that he deserved. In my case there is no jerky husband-I am to blame. And whats worse is the parents, etc. are all so upset with him leaving me, but they dont know I drove him away...I cant move on from the guilt I feel, as well as just missing him so damn much. I know the first person he meets who gives him any affection he will fall for, since he never got much from me. I wish he could have given me a chance to make things right, but he said hes moved on..


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I'm so sorry. He was clearly waiting for the kids to leave. He's probably been planning a divorce for years.

I don't know what you can do. Doesn't sound like he's open to a reconciliation. It's no fun to have your whole life turned upside down due to someone else's choice, but it may be up to you to reinvent the second half of your life. I'd recommend finding a divorce support group in your area, as well as seeking some counseling.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

You said you wish he gave you a chance.....but he did - your entire marriage that you were not 100% in emotionally. You knew the entire time that you were not happy, but you stayed to do the right thing. He gave you all he had for that whole time and stayed to do the right thing. I think you are both decent people for staying committed to your family and each other as husband and wife, but I think you are more upset that he made the first move. Your story is different, in that you are not dealing with infidelity, but your heart was never fully his to begin with. It sounds like you could both remain decent to each other, but now is your chance to find what you have been missing all of these years.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

When you say, "Deep down I just wasnt happy with him.", I can't help but wonder if you were unhappy he wasn't the man you met at your job, or if you were just generally unhappy with your life and projected it on to him. I only say that because you really make him out to be a great guy, yet you were not pleased with him. 

It might help to figure that one out before the next relationship.


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## amyw46 (Jun 21, 2012)

As much as that hurts to hear, i think you are right...I honestly took him and his love for granted-I never thought in a million years he would leave..Since he left we have been exchanging emails, and hes revealing hurt feelings I never even knew about. I just cant help but wonder if we couldnt have worked it out, because I really feel like with the kids grown, I would have put real work into the marriage. we had so many plans for when the kids were grown...it breaks my heart.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

"because I really feel like with the kids grown, I would have put real work into the marriage."

Sorry, Amy -- why would he believe that, when you didn't put real work into the marriage before? I know it's painful, but you cannot fix this one.


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## amyw46 (Jun 21, 2012)

The man at the job was and never would have been anything-no issue there...I have dealt with depression alot thru our marriage, and i tried to explain that to him before he left...He is a good person-church goer, missionary, caring. I just dont know if the spark was there for me. I know this sounds so awful-its awful for me to see it in print. I should have let him be free, but I held on so I wouldnt be alone..not many job skills, and im dealing with now believe me..thats why I have such crushing guilt. And of course he totally forgives me...maybe I wish he would hate my guts, because I hate myself..


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

And that kind of wallowing and guilt is normal, and it's okay for another few days, but it's no way to live. You need to be on Team Amy right now, not undercutting it from within. You will face a number of challenges as you go through this, and none of them will be easier with a dollop of self-loathing. Which is why I suggested some counseling and a support group.

If you were a SAHM for the whole time your kids were growing up, I'm sure you'll get a fair settlement, but this is also a chance for you to build the life that you really want.


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## amyw46 (Jun 21, 2012)

As far as the settlement, unfortunately not...he was laid off 2 years ago from his job, and we were being supported by his mom. Thats one reason he took the faraway job-to work again. But it will be a low paying job to start-he is going to help me each month, but basically he has left me with mortgage and all bills, and i was also unemployed. This part of my story does hurt me, I have to admit. Even I dont think I deserved that.


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## amyw46 (Jun 21, 2012)

And you are right about wallowing...I have been wallowing in self pity for weeks. Its my new home! There is a divorce care group starting in july that I want to attend, but Im afraid to even tell them my whole story.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, hang around here for a while and get some practice!

Seriously, it's horrible, but so many people have gone through it and are going through it. I really think it will help you to realize that, so I'll be hoping to see you around!


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Telling your story to strangers is tough, but it is a cleansing in of itself too...it took a burden off of my shoulders knowing I had a group of people going through the same experiences to support me...

My wife went to divorce care for 3 or 4 sessions, may be the one thing besides me going to Living Free that has kept us on the mend...


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## amyw46 (Jun 21, 2012)

Thank you...I plan to stick around...I dont have many friends to talk to -Ive isolated myself at home for awhile now. That was another issue with my husband-he was involved in many things that I just wouldnt do with him. God i wish i had. Does anyone just wish they could turn back time and have a redo? He was my best friend, despite everything, and i truly miss him.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

amyw46 said:


> After a year or so I met someone at my job that I really liked. Nothing ever happened with it, but I truly think that was the foundation of my unhappiness.


I know it's been a long time and I don't wish to come across as accusatory but I think I should ask since even though it appears to be over, you are looking for retrospective answers.


Do you know what an EA (emotional affair) is and do you think you may have had one?


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## amyw46 (Jun 21, 2012)

I dont know if it was so much an emotional affair as it was maybe me scared that I had gotten married too young..It has been a very long time, and i only thought of it because my husband brought it up recently..


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well what was your interaction with coworker like?

were you very flirty
did you hang out a lot?
did you talk about him a lot?
did you talk to him about marital problems, his or yours?


I know that this was pretty much pre-internet times so there was probably no email and definitely no facebook interaction.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

that's kind of beside the point at this point, doncha think, AR?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well I said it is retrospective, she's the one who wanted answers and helping her define her behavior may go a long towards towards self-improvement and learning


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

AND her husband brought it up even though it was almost 20 years ago, so he considers it important enough to mention


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## amyw46 (Jun 21, 2012)

This was mid eighties,no e mail or text! We did talk alot, rode to work together. i never wanted to talk about my marriage-i think I was pretending i wasnt married. I know this is no excuse but Im pretty sure the guy was gay! I just think even at that time, looking back, maybe I should have let him go...Not held on to him for so long. He told me he felt like he wasted so many years trying to hold on to our marriage...So back to the guilt that I cant shake...But I have to wonder why if Im admitting these feelings, which I have never done and he said he always tried to get me to admit them-is why is this hurting me so badly? All I want is for him to walk back thru the door! I cant seem to let go and realize that I cant email and text constantly; its not gonna bring him home...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

amyw46 said:


> This was mid eighties,no e mail or text! We did talk alot, rode to work together. i never wanted to talk about my marriage-i think I was pretending i wasnt married. I know this is no excuse but Im pretty sure the guy was gay! I just think even at that time, looking back, maybe I should have let him go...Not held on to him for so long. He told me he felt like he wasted so many years trying to hold on to our marriage...So back to the guilt that I cant shake...But I have to wonder why if Im admitting these feelings, which I have never done and he said he always tried to get me to admit them-is why is this hurting me so badly? All I want is for him to walk back thru the door! I cant seem to let go and realize that I cant email and text constantly; its not gonna bring him home...


well I do think EA's are much more common place than they were in the 80's as the technology enables people to engage in them even if they live in different countries so I wouldn't slap the label of EA on your relationship with your coworker BUT it certainly did some damage. You were giving attention to the coworker that your spouse deserved instead. I think you know this now and it's way too late to change that fact.

has your husband left the door open even a crack or is this job move the definitive death knell for him? You say that you have gotten closer since you found out he was filing, what has he said about the same time period?


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## amyw46 (Jun 21, 2012)

No i dont believe there is a crack, as hard as it is to admit. He went as far as telling me that he has met someone that he is "talking to", but wont call a g/f. Probably because things arent final yet.He's only been gone 2 weeks for goodness sake! All this has happened in such a short time-only 3 months, from when I first found out, to signing papers (which in my area goes thru very fast), to him leaving, to possible g/f. Cant even type those words out..He was brutally honest and told it i did drive him away, it is my fault this all happened. He" s right i know. Thats why its so hard, because I realize no one will have much sympathy for me.. I just cant live with myself for what I let happen...If Id only been a better wife! Do you feel its best I just stop with the emails, other than about the kids of course, for awhile? I told him I didnt want to know any details about the other person-not ready to hear that yet...I do want him to be happy, he does deserve that. Its so hard to admit that I wasnt able to do that for him.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yes, I think you should stop with the emails -- not for him, but for you. They are just keeping you emotionally tied to him and preventing you from moving on. Send emails re financial issues and the kids, period.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

uh oh

I hate to tell you this but there is a very good chance that he was cheating on you and had an exit affair


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I do have sympathy for you. This was not all your fault. He is the one who walked away. 

Were there things you could have done differently and better? Of course. We all have those things. Did this all happen quickly? No, not at all. You just saw it for the first time when it was thrown in your face. 

This was a long time in the making. He emotionally detached from you a long time ago which is why it is easier for him. 

Not sure what to make of the girlfriend exactly, but it is possible that he is emotionally seperated enough from you that he is ready for it. I doubt it, but it is possible. 

You may want to read about the "Walk away spouse", most commonly the "Walk away wife." It is pretty eyeopening.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

@AR, Oh, there we go.

What difference does it make now? Maybe you're right, but I doubt it. I think he deliberately waited to remake his life until the summer before his youngest left for college.

What difference does it make? She is trying to deal with the end of her marriage, and you are just trying to stir up trouble. Why?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

why dont we let amy decide that?

I think knowing the truth of the end of the marriage could be of great service, especially if it was an affair, then perhaps she won't be blaming herself so much


and look, I cant say for sure but when you look at how the husband laid out reasoning including what he percieved as unfaithful behavior from 20 years as a reason then it could be the typical blameshifting that cheaters give (and in combo with a new GF popping up in no time at all)

(and to be frank it is a valid reason for losing love in the marriage but not for having an affair if he had one)


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

lamaga said:


> I'm so sorry. He was clearly waiting for the kids to leave. He's probably been planning a divorce for years.
> 
> I don't know what you can do. Doesn't sound like he's open to a reconciliation. It's no fun to have your whole life turned upside down due to someone else's choice, but it may be up to you to reinvent the second half of your life. I'd recommend finding a divorce support group in your area, as well as seeking some counseling.


He should have said something, but her choices led her here. Living as roommates is not a marriage and he wanted to stay for the children. Now he's scared shetless because they will be alone...and how empty would that be?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

and honestly lamaga, how can you expect someone to have 20+ years of marriage dissolve without having to look back and wonder why or want to know the truth? You would prefer that she just just chalk it up to being emotionally absent and not know that it was possible that her husband has been cheating on her and robbed her of the opportunity to make the marriage work?

you really love to bury your head in the sand in some of the replies you give, it's almost if you wish to pretend that infidelity isn't a big deal or even exists.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't think there was an affair at all.

He is leaving because there really is no marriage.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

in all honesty I truly hope my instinct is wrong


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## amyw46 (Jun 21, 2012)

Thank you guys...That makes me a feel alot better. Yes I see now he did emotionally detatch from me...I couldnt understand why it didnt seem to bother him that our family was being torn apart? Because understand we did have alot of good times and memories over the years! I dont know if its just a "woman" thing that I was totally falling apart, and other than maybe one time, he was cool as a cucumber. I really dont believe he was cheating on me before he left, we were homebodies to say the least. But I do think, like I said, the first person who pays him any mind I think he'll fall for...I know I shouldnt feel this way but i hope nothing comes of it or it wont last. I do feel its too soon for him, although that could just be jealousy talking.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

I could see me being the H in this thread, b/c my W seemed to have checked out years ago. She had "something" (maybe EA) inappropriate about 4 years ago. She was chatting up an old male friend on FB, a lot, and especially after I went to bed. His wife must have seen something she didn't like, b/c she went scorched earth on both of them (we're 500+ miles away) and it ended. I only found out some of the details months after it ended. Since I didn't have a smoking gun, and since W lied to my face about it...it just kind of festered...and still does...trust is gone. 20 years is a long time in the OP's case, but maybe her H did let her EA fester for many years. 

My youngest is 7. It's depressing to think about, but for now, I plan to stay until he's near college. A lot of what the OP admits to...I get from my W. I still work on the marriage, and bang my head against her wall, but I will not do that forever. Hope this isn't a thread hikack...just trying to give the H's perspective in this. Feel free to pick my brain, or blast away as needed.

Also, my guess is that the OP's H wasn't cheating before he left. I'm not a cheater, and I won't need an exit affair when I make my move.


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## amyw46 (Jun 21, 2012)

Im so sorry you are going through that. i wouldnt wish what i put my H thru on my worst enemy. Im not sure I would call that couple of weeks 25 years ago an EA, maybe Im wrong. But we had moved way past that, and had many happy years until my unhappiness starting rearing its ugly head again..


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

that_girl said:


> I don't think there was an affair at all.
> 
> He is leaving because there really is no marriage.


:iagree:


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

amyw46 said:


> Im so sorry you are going through that. i wouldnt wish what i put my H thru on my worst enemy. Im not sure I would call that couple of weeks 25 years ago an EA, maybe Im wrong. But we had moved way past that, and had many happy years until my unhappiness starting rearing its ugly head again..


Amy, IMO, don't waste time worrying about what happened 25 years ago, and don't waste time trying to worry about possible affairs on his part either.

It seems like he has been planning this for a while. He was unhappy and made choices on how to have a better life. Now it's your turn. You have quite a bit more freedom from the kids and can make your life what you want of it. Figure out what's going to make you happy and go get it.


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## amyw46 (Jun 21, 2012)

Oh Im not worried about that..I felt I needed to mention it because a few people had zeroed in on that. i really feel like that in particular had nothing to do with whats happened now...I just feel like Ive been such a selfish B$%&* to him all this time. Yet if I even think of him with somebody else, i about lose it. If I didnt want him how do i let him go? almost 30 years with someone is a very long time..


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

amyw46 said:


> Oh Im not worried about that..I felt I needed to mention it because a few people had zeroed in on that. i really feel like that in particular had nothing to do with whats happened now...I just feel like Ive been such a selfish B$%&* to him all this time. Yet if I even think of him with somebody else, i about lose it. If I didnt want him how do i let him go? almost 30 years with someone is a very long time..


this doesnt apply fully to your situation but could help:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

amyw46 said:


> Oh Im not worried about that..I felt I needed to mention it because a few people had zeroed in on that. i really feel like that in particular had nothing to do with whats happened now...I just feel like Ive been such a selfish B$%&* to him all this time. Yet if I even think of him with somebody else, i about lose it. If I didnt want him how do i let him go? almost 30 years with someone is a very long time..


...and here it is...you don't want him, but you don't want anyone else to have him either...ouch.


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