# Ex wants job in my office, not sure how to stop this



## neganagatime (Feb 10, 2012)

My ex and I work for the same company. We actually met there and for a while worked in the same office in the suburb of a large city. About 4 years ago, while we were still married, my business unit decided to move my part of the business from the suburbs of a major metro area into the city proper. At the time we were still married and my ex's job was going to move as well. At the time we had a 25 minute commute to our suburban office, and the move to the city would make it about 1 hour, 25 minutes. As a family we looked at homes closer to the city but we ex could not give up a newly built home with a good sized yard to move into something that was nice but older, smaller, etc. She decided she was not moving and would find a job in the part of the business that was staying in the suburbs. We both agreed it was not wise for us to both be an hour and a half away from the kids in the event that there was an emergency, etc. She said that she would handle all the domestic stuff related to the kids during the work day because I'd be geographically unavailable due to the commute. She knew and agreed at that time that she'd potentially be giving up career opportunities but wanted to make that choice. 

She did find a job in our company in the suburbs and for about 9 months it worked well for us. I left the house at 5:45 or 6 every day and got home at 6 or so every evening. It sucked for me but I felt it was something I had to do for my family. If you do the math to get home at 6 I had to leave the office at 4:30, which for my office made me look like someone doing the bare minimum. I felt guilty about it but I wanted to be with my kids for a little while before they went to bed at 8 or 8:30. 

Anyway, 9 months or so into this arrangement my ex decided she needed to move into a more challenging role in her current business unit in the suburbs. She went from working 8-4 to working 8-6:30 or later. Most nights I got home before her and ended up doing more of the monday - friday child care than her and our nanny was working 50+ hours per week. I deeply resented this and it in no small part contributed to the demise of our marriage. I felt like I was giving up part of my career to deal with my long commute, despite the fact that she is the one who decided we could not move to a location that would have been 30 minutes from both of our jobs because she needed to stay in our nicer, newer house that what was available in our price range in the communities we looked at. 

We ended up breaking down and separating/divorcing a year or so into her new job. We are not 1.5 years into our divorce and I have 50% custody of our children. I think my ex agreed to that because she knows she capable of being a full time mom (as a kid her mom was/is an alcoholic and her dad not present the day to day chaos that being a parent to young kids is too much for her). On Friday she sent me an email saying she wanted to tell me one of her old colleagues who worked in the city in my office told her about a job opening and she was going to apply and hopefully get it. It caught me off guard and I was totally floored. I only replied it was her decision but I thought she'd hate the commute. She replied that there was no room for advancement in her current business unit so she had no choice but to move to the city, move to another state, or go international, and that she didn't think I'd agree to any of those (how magnanimous of her to think of me). She makes $120k plus in her current job so she is not exactly hurting for dough and so in my mind, she certainly has the choice of staying in her existing job and earning very good money. 

So my issue is that I really do not like her as a person, and I feel it would cause me a lot of stress to see her around my office everyday. I also think this puts the kids in a bad spot. If a child gets sick at school or something happens after school, neither of us could get there to pick them up within a reasonable amount of time. Our divorce agreement says we both have to agree to things that affect the kids and I sort of feel like this is one of them. 

I'm not really sure what to do. I can tell her how I feel but I think she will not really care and might make her want to do this more. I can also try to demand we move to a closer town than where we both live so that both of us have reasonable commutes, but that does not really address the fact that I don't want to see her at work. I could also make an appeal to my manager as well as her potential new manager, based on the impact to the kids but I feel like that would be hugely detrimental to both of our careers. Or I can do nothing and let her make herself miserable once she has my ridiculous commute that she took for granted while we were still married, but that does not serve our kids at all even if it might make me feel better. 

I'm really at a loss for what to do. She cheated on me while married with a co-worker and I think she was dating someone at her current office (post divorce) and that is partly motivating her desire to move offices. So I ask for your impartial advice. I am sick at this whole thing ...


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I don't think you have strong legal position. In fact, you've none at all.

The problem here is not your children but you. You don't want to see her and that is understandable. You have good reason not to like her. I would suggest that you book a joint therapy session to talk about the resentment. 

She should have asked you how you would feel about seeing her at work?

Do you hate her? That's not indifference. You need to get to indifference. That might be a solution in personal therapy or TAM.

How old is your wife?

How come you know about her dating?

If you are in a new relationship, this ought to be easier.


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## neganagatime (Feb 10, 2012)

Thanks for the reply, she is 40. I don't think I hate her but I am definitely not at indifference either. I know my anger and resentment with her are a problem for me. I could look into counseling for myself (I went for about 6 months after the divorce) but it is unlikely she would agree to joint as she was uninterested in doing it while we were married.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How are things handled with the kids now, since you live an hour and a half away from work? That's a long ways to do a 50/50 split. Maybe you guys could find a daycare close to your company? 

I think your idea of controlling where she can work is a bad one, overall. She's your ex. You don't get a say in where she works (geographically speaking) or lives, as long as she doesn't take the kids away from you. If you try to kill her job internally and she hears about it, I'd be very concerned how that would affect your relationship with her and co-parenting. Legally, you could also be on shaky ground. 

If she did work at your company, how closely would you be working together? 

C


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

LongWalk said:


> I don't think you have strong legal position. In fact, you've none at all.
> 
> The problem here is not your children but you. You don't want to see her and that is understandable. You have good reason not to like her. *I would suggest that you book a joint therapy session to talk about the resentment. *
> 
> ...



Bad idea, All that he will do is disclose information that she could later use against him. 

Get IC if you want it. But don't share any more with your ex. What would stop her from betraying you?


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## neganagatime (Feb 10, 2012)

Regarding how things work with the 50/50 now, we each get two consecutive weekdays per week and alternate weekends. On my weekdays, our nanny gets to my house at 630 before the kids are awake and gets them off to school (about 2 hours) so I can make my train. She is there again at 330 until I get home at 530. It is not ideal and I feel like I don't get as much time with the kids as I'd like, but I don't have much choice due to my commute. 

For my ex, the nanny does a similar schedule, though she does get to see the kids in the morning as leaves her house later than I do. My ex also currently works from home 2 days per week (doubt that would continue) and on those days I believe she still uses the nanny in the AM and then gets the kids herself after school.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Keep your business life separate from your personal life. If she's a good and qualified employee, she gets the job. You don't have to like her, just as you don't have to like any other co-worker. This is a great example of why it's a bad idea to date folks at work. 
If she's 40, she's in two federally protected classes (over 40 and female). Treat her differently than any other employee and your company might be looking at a couple of expensive lawsuits. At work, she isn't your ex. She isn't even female. She's an employee. At work, you aren't male and you aren't her ex. You are an employee. If you are in a supervisory position, you are part of that company's management team and your company will be held responsible for your actions/decisions regarding her. If you want to try to deny her employment opportunities because she has kids, you're looking at a third potential lawsuit for your company.
It will be awkward and probably stressful but you've dealt with stress before and the sun rose the next day. I suppose you can try to get transferred to another location or you could find a job elsewhere, but even asking for a transfer on this basis is alerting your boss to the fact that you have difficulty separating your personal business from work business. I'd just suck it up and drive on, treat her as any other employee, mind my own business, and pay attention to my own career. You're a guy and she's not. You can compartmentalize your life easier than she can. Odds are, she'll try this arrangement for a time, get weary of it, and go elsewhere, all without you having to lift your nose from your own grindstone. 
She might take my house and kids but I wouldn't let her get my job, too.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

This is definitely a touchy situation and I feel for you. It sounds to me like the divorce agreement you quoted probably wouldn't apply in this situation because an opportunity for advancement in a career may not be considered a "child" issue. Although we both know that any change in a Parent's life, certainly affects the kids. Have you considered holding back and see what happens with the interview process? She may not even be selected for the position. It doesn't sound to me that having a talk with your supervisor would be out of line. They would then be able to pass on the concerns to the hiring manager. There are potholes, however, in any approach you take. I will say a prayer for you and hope this works out for what is best for your kids.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Maybe you both can move closer and get rid of the long commute.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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