# "If you parents had disapproved" - a poll



## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

1. If you parents had disapproved of your spouses habits or character would you still have married him or her? 
2. If they had been unhappy about him or her coming from another race / culture / class / religious group would that have been an issue for you?
3. If you wanted chinese food (or if you are chinese: another food not traditional for weddings where you come from) for your wedding and your parents would have disapproved, would you have listened?
4. If your spouse would disapprove of your parents - how would you act?
5. If your spouse would insist on his family tradition / religion / social class being the "better one" + that things should be done as they are done in his family + your children (if you have any) should be brought up the way it is done in his family. What would you do?

6. If you want to tell me: how old are you and from which culture?


BTW Really... just a poll  not looking for advice


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

betulanana said:


> 1. If you parents had disapproved of your spouses habits or character would you still have married him or her?
> 
> *Yes.*
> 
> ...


----------



## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

I was the good girl that married the bad boy. My parents were unaware of his past when we married (by then he was a reformed bad boy).

My parents would probably not have approved of a mixed race marriage but they would have disapproved more of a mixed religious marriage.

My husbands mother was as racist as you can get against Asians (partly because my FIL was in a Japanese prison camp during WWII)....we have two children that were adopted from China....we were a bit worried..but she loved them to death.

It's amazing what actually getting to know someone will do to erase racism or any other people issues....


----------



## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Speaking for myself....both of my older children dated outside their race....we had absolutely no issues with that.

I do have to agree with my parents...if both parties are devoutly religious but two different religions (I'm not talking one is Baptist and one is Methodist) sooner or later there will be trouble, especially if there are children. 

Decisions need to be made before the wedding that both parties can agree to...and live with. For a long, long time...


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

betulanana said:


> 1. If you parents had disapproved of your spouses habits or character would you still have married him or her?
> 
> It would depend on how I viewed these things. I would certainly have listened to them.
> 
> ...


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

betulanana said:


> 1. If you parents had disapproved of your spouses habits or character would you still have married him or her?
> 2. If they had been unhappy about him or her coming from another race / culture / class / religious group would that have been an issue for you?
> 3. If you wanted chinese food (or if you are chinese: another food not traditional for weddings where you come from) for your wedding and your parents would have disapproved, would you have listened?
> 4. If your spouse would disapprove of your parents - how would you act?
> ...


1. Yes, and I did. Mom was the one who disapproved.

2. No. I am the one who made the choice to marry. They gave their input, of course, but in the end, my choice, my life.

3. Food is food. As long as it didn't interfere with the dietary guidelines I follow, I wouldn't care if it was Chinese, Mexican, Polish, Jewish, etc. I don't care. 

4. Depends what the disapproval is about, and how it is expressed. If he were to publicly humiliate them in any way, rather than speak privately, then I would definitely tell him he was in the wrong (in private. I wouldn't publicly humiliate him.). If it were something minor, where he was just venting about behaviors to me, I'd let him vent to me. If it ended up as one pitting me against the other? My husband comes before my parents.

5. That... would have been a problem. Some things, I would compromise... For instance, my husband was brought up Jewish. He converted to Christian before we married, but we celebrate some of the Jewish holidays. Had he ever insisted that our children MUST be raised Jewish, with no Christian influence, I would have said no way.

6. 38 and I am caucasian. As for culture, just "typical" Midwest upbringing, I guess. Nothing really that would stand pout to most lol.


----------



## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

betulanana said:


> 1. If you parents had disapproved of your spouses habits or character would you still have married him or her?
> 
> Yes
> 
> ...


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

betulanana said:


> 1. If you parents had disapproved of your spouses habits or character would you still have married him or her?
> 
> No.
> Actually my mother disapproved of every single woman I've ever dated except my wife. Although my mother and I were always at war, I had a deep respect for her.
> ...


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

betulanana said:


> 1. If you parents had disapproved of your spouses habits or character would you still have married him or her? I'd still marry him,yes.
> 2. If they had been unhappy about him or her coming from another race / culture / class / religious group would that have been an issue for you?nope.They aren't marrying him,I am and if he makes me happy and is good to me I don't care what anyone else wants.
> 3. If you wanted chinese food (or if you are chinese: another food not traditional for weddings where you come from) for your wedding and your parents would have disapproved, would you have listened?Not unless they were paying for my wedding.If they weren't then they can eat what my fiance' and I decide.
> 4. If your spouse would disapprove of your parents - how would you act?That depends on how vocal they were about the disapproval.It's one thing to dislike your in-laws and vent in a reasonable fashion to your spouse about it but when you hold your spouse responsible for the actions of their parents it becomes a huge problem.
> ...


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My parents had no say in how I chose to live my life. It was between my husband and I not them.

Disclaimer: my parents aren't nice people.


----------



## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

betulanana said:


> 1. If you parents had disapproved of your spouses habits or character would you still have married him or her?
> 
> Still would have. My grandmother originally was very upset with my choice of wife. She eventually came around.
> 
> ...


As you can see by my answer to 6, my wife and I dealt with pretty much every possibly type of mixing you can. You just have to keep in mind that the most important two people in your life is you and your spouse and you'll be fine.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

My Mom thought I was too young to get married (19 when he ask me, and he was 23). Plus she knew his past (player). She also knew I was a diva princess (my 2 older sister doing, not hers). Marriage made me give up my throne quickly. But my H had already ask my Dad even before he ask me or we even talk about it. My Dad was the only one who thought it would work out. My Mom love my H now like he is her son. So does my Dad.

I love and respect my parent VERY much. If they would have come out and said c4e, DON'T MARRY THIS GUY sternly maybe I would have plead and wait for them to change their mind. However now that we marry I very much believe that a spouse should leave their mother and father and cleave to their husband/wife. This is easy for me to say because unless a spouse is hurting their child physically, I don't think my parent would EVER think of interfering in their children marriage.

As for difference in culture, religions, race, etc. I do think people should have serious conversation about this and how they will handle it in marriage. It not realistic to think it won't matter. But if they really love each other and communicate communicate communicate it is not a dealbreaker by any means. Some religion may not mix, though. That's a lot harder

I am African American and so is my H. I'm 28, he is 32.


----------



## Balzaar (Aug 29, 2013)

betulanana said:


> 1. If you parents had disapproved of your spouses habits or character would you still have married him or her? *No*
> 2. If they had been unhappy about him or her coming from another race / culture / class / religious group would that have been an issue for you? *Possibly*
> 3. If you wanted chinese food (or if you are chinese: another food not traditional for weddings where you come from) for your wedding and your parents would have disapproved, would you have listened? *No*
> 4. If your spouse would disapprove of your parents - how would you act? *Dealbreaker*
> ...


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

betulanana said:


> 1. If you parents had disapproved of your spouses habits or character would you still have married him or her? *If I was convinced they knew her well enough, yes*.
> 
> 2. If they had been unhappy about him or her coming from another race / culture / class / religious group would that have been an issue for you? *Yes. Character is a choice, but race, religion, etc are not. *
> 
> ...


----------



## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

john117 said:


> Character is a choice, but race, religion, etc are not.


You can choose your religion.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

betulanana said:


> 1. If you parents had disapproved of your spouses habits or character would you still have married him or her?
> 
> *They did disapprove and refused to acknowledge our engagement for several months. So yes, still woulda done it!*
> 
> ...


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

betulanana said:


> You can choose your religion.


Not where I come from


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

betulanana said:


> 1. If you parents had disapproved of your spouses habits or character would you still have married him or her?
> 
> *They did and I married her.*
> 
> ...


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

john117 said:


> Not where I come from


Really? People are still killed in Europe for being the wrong religion? 

I guess I need to re-read my history books...

Per your post:


john117 said:


> 1. If I was convinced they knew her well enough, yes.
> 
> 2. Yes. Character is a choice, but race, religion, etc are not.
> 
> ...


That's why I asked....

Also, assuming you mean Muslim country as your wife's origin... still free to choose her religion (anyone is)... just there are unfavorable consequences in some places. But yes, you can absolutely choose not to be certain religions.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

betulanana said:


> BTW Really... just a poll  not looking for advice


1. If you parents had disapproved of your spouses habits or character would you still have married him or her? 
I did. Now I realize how right they were.
2. If they had been unhappy about him or her coming from another race / culture / class / religious group would that have been an issue for you?
Yes - you really DO marry into a family. However if they like him as a PERSON none of those would matter to my parents.
3. If you wanted chinese food (or if you are chinese: another food not traditional for weddings where you come from) for your wedding and your parents would have disapproved, would you have listened?
If they are paying I would try to compromise. If they are not, it's my wedding and I'd do what I wanted.
4. If your spouse would disapprove of your parents - how would you act?
He did and it backfired. I made it clear he'd better not make me chose or I would choose them. 
5. If your spouse would insist on his family tradition / religion / social class being the "better one" + that things should be done as they are done in his family + your children (if you have any) should be brought up the way it is done in his family. What would you do?
I would have resolved that prior to marriage with compromise. If my spouse thought they were sooooo superior everything had to be done his way, then he probably would think *I* was lesser as well.
6. If you want to tell me: how old are you and from which culture?
45 American


----------

