# Husbands intentions?



## Erica13 (May 14, 2013)

Hello! I have been reading this forum for awhile and would love your help please.
I have been married for 1 1/2 years. My hs has been doing thing that I do not understand. Such as, I have a camaro that I love driving in the summer. Its my car, before I even met him, but he insists on driving it very day. I have not drove my car in about 8 months. He says its because it needs a starter and he doesnt want me breaking down and "getting help from anyother man". I drive his new car. But thing is, I do not go anywhere besides the gym which is up the road (I do school full-time online). He drives it farther than I would. And theres a few other things, he got mad cause I sat with my son (from prev marriage) this morning instead of him. He didnt tell me he was upset til I texted him and asked if he was ok. I have told him I want my car and he said "to bad" "we cant afford to fix it". It drives fine.
Sorry this is long, I just dont get him. He also insists I get ALL my schoolwork done while hes at work, so we can have that time together, which he makes sure we do EVERYTHING together. I do love him, I just dont like being "told" what to do, and if I tell him that he will keep me in the bedroom til we "talk it out" and refuse to let me leave.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Sounds like a self centered ego driven dude. You sat with your son and he got pissed?!!! It doesn't matter that the boy is from a previous marriage - he is YOUR son and that is what matters. Sounds like he wants a mommy to take care of him and he doesn't want to grow up.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Sorry - sounds like he has severe jealous and control issues. Without knowing more, I can't really give any advice. You're married so they are both marital property. He either really likes your sporty car or he wants you to have a more reliable, new car.

I understand his wanting you to get school work done so you have couple time but making sure you do everything together is a bit suffocating.

You say he would refuse to let you leave the bedroom - how? Does he use physical force? Does "talk it out" mean "until you see my side and agree"?


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## Erica13 (May 14, 2013)

Yes talk it out means until I agree with him. So I just say I do. He will stand in front of the door and when I try to move him he will push (not hard) me back and tell me no. 
He has said he wants me to drive the more reliable car, but sometimes I want to drive mine. He said if I do he has to be with me.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Erica13 said:


> Yes talk it out means until I agree with him. So I just say I do. He will stand in front of the door and when I try to move him he will push (not hard) me back and tell me no.
> He has said he wants me to drive the more reliable car, but sometimes I want to drive mine. He said if I do he has to be with me.


Hold the phone. Stop. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

I don't give a f-ck if it's "not hard", you NEVER let a man put his hands on you unless it is out of love, tenderness and caring.

He is a bully. A punk. And I'd imagine that if he ever met up with a real man that he'd have his ass handed to him faster than he could stand in front of the door to block you from leaving.

He doesn't want you driving the car cuz a Camaro is a hot car no matter what year it is. He's scared. ALL bullies are scared. 

The question is...why is he scared to let you drive a car that has been yours for so long?

Oh...and before I forget ~ IF he ever puts his hands on you in any way except for a hug, kiss or love making you drop a dime on his ass and call the cops. Then, when he's in his cell, get the f-ck outta there.


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## Erica13 (May 14, 2013)

I am friends with his ex wife and she told me thats why they divorced cause its hard to be married to a man that acts like a child. I have an 18 year old son to and when my sons friends come over my hs acts thier age. Cracking jokes, its just a different person. 
I have told him he is losing his mind lately and he said "Oh so your a smartass now, and know everything" 
He acts like he knows it all, he'll ask my opinion on something, but do the oposite. I mentioned how excited I was about my school being done next year and cant wait to go into the corrections field. He said " thats if they'll hire you, you cant even do pushups". I am in WAY better shape than he is. He is a stick and think hes in shape, I am the one that worksout everyday. I know I am being harsh on him, but it is getting very aggravating!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Erica13 said:


> Yes talk it out means until I agree with him. So I just say I do. He will stand in front of the door and when I try to move him he will push (not hard) me back and tell me no.
> He has said he wants me to drive the more reliable car, but sometimes I want to drive mine. He said if I do he has to be with me.


This is bad bad bad.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Being harsh on him?!!!!

My dear, you so exhibit signs of battered wife syndrome it's scary. I'm not saying you're battered, mind you...I'm saying you exhibit some of the pathology of women in that situation.

He has an ex because of how he acted.

I say you make it 2.

Sorry to be harsh, brash or whatever you call it. Guys like this never grow up...they never grow within. All they know how to do it lash out and blame every f'ng thing in the world for their problems except themselves.

I guarantee he has told you on more than one occasion that he doesn't have X because of you. Tell me I'm wrong about that.


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## Erica13 (May 14, 2013)

Doesnt have X?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Uh - if a car needs a new starter, doesn't that mean anytime you drive it - you risk getting stranded somewhere because it may or may not start? And if he's that concerned about you getting help "from another man" I'm assuming you both have AAA - right? Or is even that guy suspect? Also - a new starter is like $200. 

So - you can't afford that, but you can afford to be making a payment on a brand new car? Again - that seems really off. What kind of knowledge do you have about the finances?

Something here seems off in the "me thinks he doth protest too much" zone. He seems controlling - you can't drive the car you owned before he met you because he's so rife with jealousy. He physically prevents you from leaving during a disagreement and then brow beats you until you agree. 

I'm sorry but - what positive things are you getting from this relationship?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Erica13 said:


> Doesnt have X?


Yeah...like, "I don't have a car..." or "I don't have a life..." or anything along those lines.


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## Erica13 (May 14, 2013)

Our finanaces are separate. He said I can look at his account anytime, but then he has to have my info to. I am not sure what I am getting from this marriage. He is faithful and I know that for a fact he would never cheat. Maybe I think its hard to find a guy like that. He pays for everything, all I pay for is food. Now he will say, I pay for this house and evrything else, so its my decisions.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Regarding the car: He is not that afraid of it breaking down. He knows it is an attention grabber and god forbid ANY man looks at his property.... I mean wife. He's controlling, jealous and abusive. He is also isolating you from your individuality. You guys have to do EVERYTHING together? I think that is so incredibly unhealthy for any relationship. 

I guaranty you that if you wanted to have lunch with a girlfriend, regardless of what car you took to drive there, he'd have major issues. But then again, you may already know that. 

Marriage counseling. Make that appointment today.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Erica13 said:


> Now he will say, I pay for this house and evrything else, so its my decisions.


Is this marriage a partnership or a business arrangement? Sounds more like he is the boss you are his employee. 

He's making you dependent on him; if he hasn't already. Please don't go there. Please don't ever believe you don't have options. 

I'm sad and scared for you.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Not to put a rain on the parade, but there are plenty of posts on TAM here from people who swore to the floor "I knew for a fact he/she would never cheat" even though the spouse was deep into the middle of an affair. 

So he's controlling, physically intimidating, engages in undue verbal bantering so you cave to his whims, and uses the current financial status of the household to gain more control. 

This is sounding worse each time you post, OP.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Erica13 said:


> I am friends with his ex wife and she told me thats why they divorced cause its hard to be married to a man that acts like a child.


This should be a big red flag to you. It's not because they were incompatable, it was his behavior. I bet if you talk to her a little more, you will find that he was the same with her as he is with you.



Starstarfish said:


> So he's controlling, physically intimidating, engages in undue verbal bantering so you cave to his whims, and uses the current financial status of the household to gain more control.


His behavior continues...



Erica13 said:


> I mentioned how excited I was about my school being done next year and cant wait to go into the corrections field.


You realize that part of corrections is having to deal with non-compliant prisoners, correct? Utilize your training if necessary to protect yourself. You are allowed a measure of self defense within the letter of the law.



Starstarfish said:


> This is sounding worse each time you post, OP.


Agreed. I fail to see what you are getting from this relationship other than some financial support.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I suggest two books: "why does he do that?" and "inside the minds of controlling and abusive men." 
Not letting you leave a room or in fact restricting your movement at all is illegal and called "unlawful detainment."
It is abusive and serious. 
Pushing you is abusive. 
Putting you down is abusive. 
Taking your property for his own is abusive. 
Forcing you to agree with him is abusive. 
Manipulating you with finances is abusive. 
Trying to drive a wedge between you and your son is manipulative. 

Do you think he wants the Camaro because he gets attention from women? I would bet on it. 
Most cheaters are very jealous and controlling because they don't want you to do what they are doing. 
I would get help from a domestic violence agency. They can get you counseling and help you make a safety plan. 
I would advise not to talk to him about this because it will cause him to come down harder if he feels that he is losing control of you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Sorry - sounds like he has severe jealous and control issues. Without knowing more, I can't really give any advice. You're married so they are both marital property. He either really likes your sporty car or he wants you to have a more reliable, new car.
> 
> I understand his wanting you to get school work done so you have couple time but making sure you do everything together is a bit suffocating.
> 
> You say he would refuse to let you leave the bedroom - how? Does he use physical force? Does "talk it out" mean "until you see my side and agree"?


The camero was hers before they married. So the camero is not marital property.


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## Erica13 (May 14, 2013)

As a matter of fact, I asked him the other day if I could do lunch with a friend and he said no. Only family, and no bars. I drink and party with my daughter (shes 22) and he is ok with me doing something with her but nobody else? doesnt make sense. And I know he is not cheating cause he has ED and takes "the pill". Which are here, so I would know if he was. 
I think your right about hes worried about attention I'd get in my car. But it is dark purple, so I doubt he is getting attention from women lol


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Why do you have to get permission? You are a grown woman. 
He is trying to keep you from getting support because he doesn't want to lose control over his plaything.


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## Erica13 (May 14, 2013)

I know, I understand. I am an intellegent woman, I just dont want to give up on this yet. I hope he will change.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

It's been a year and a half ... at what point do you think it will change?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Erica13 said:


> I know, I understand. I am an intellegent woman, I just dont want to give up on this yet. I hope he will change.


I am truly sorry for what you are going through. But, let me ask you, are you truly and seriously hoping he will change? 

If you are, then you must take drastic and immediate action. You must leave him and file for divorce. Nothing short of that will ever change him. You won't be able to change him under your current circumstances. He didn't change for his 1st Wife, it's not likely he will change for you either.

Think about it. If he doesn't change. How long are you going to continue to live like this? 1 year? 10 years? 20 years?

As others have pointed out, you are being abused. He doesn't have to "beat" you to hurt you, he is hurting your soul, your being, your identity. Don't let him have that. If not for yourself, for your children. Stay strong for them.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

What reason does he have to change? He's getting all his needs met right now.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Erica13 said:


> I know, I understand. I am an intellegent woman, I just dont want to give up on this yet. I hope he will change.


*HE WONT!!!*

This is wrong, wrong wrong! YOUR car, TAKE IT BACK! If he takes it without permission, report it stolen!  AND, dont ask permission to go out with your own daughter! Or anything else for that matter, he isnt your keeper!

You need to get out of this NOW! Or, yesterday!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Erica13 said:


> I hope he will change.


So you are willing to stick around, be controlled and abused, because you are living in the fantasy world of WHAT-IF thinking. Sure, he may have some sort of awakening and change. But I wouldn't bet on it.

When a person shows you who they are, believe them. He may have the potential to be Mr. Wonderful. But I seriously doubt it. And so do you. 

You are afraid to leave. Thus, you hang onto WHAT IF HE CHANGES.

Here is WHAT IS, right now, as of today: He is an abusive S.O.B. You are ALLOWING him to control you. 

And, the ONLY thing you can change in this entire world is YOU. 

Pushing, shoving, shaking a fist in another person's face, threatening any sort of physical abuse, are all reasons to call the cops. And get a restraining order.

The car is yours. The reason you won't take it back from him? Because you know there will be hell to pay. He'll either lock you up in the bedroom until you have a meeting of the minds, or he'll start getting physical.

As a former battered spouse, I know how these type of men operate. The pushing, shoving, punching, and threats to me stopped when I went to court, got a restraining order and had my ex-husband removed from our home by the police.

I moved out, divorced him, and carried that restraining order with me everywhere.

My ex never bothered me again.


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