# I don't like my child at this time.



## brooklynAnn

My DD22 graduated college last week, with the news that she has accepted a job up in MA where she went to school. She thinks it woulld be a great learning opportunity for her. We thought it was stupid to take a low paying job and have to pay rent etc whereas, she can come home and get a job here and pay for nothing.

She has no debt so all she has to pay is rent and living expenses...light and wifi and food. She was looking at some awfully places and my husband of course put a stop to that ... we found her a nice place, no roommates. 

My problem is that I feel that my child is now a pain in the ass entitled little witch. She has a few more days with us and it's like she can't wait to leave. She is always in a mood and acts like we have never done anything for her. Her school cost us out of pocket 180k, which her dad paid without blinking. She always had money given to her every month and we visited her once a month. If she is sick we are there to take her to the doctor. If she is scared of the wind and lighting we stayed on the phone with her. If she had a bad dream we stayed on the phone with her. 

Now she is acting like we never did anything for her and she got everything herself. I am about to slap the **** out of the kid because I can see how upset my husband gets. He loves that girl more than himself. 

And yes, she got a sweet boy in MA. I understand young love and I know they want to be together. He is smart and is going to live at home to save money and pay his loans. He is going to be an hour away. He is a wonderful boy and loves us. 

I swear I will adopt the boyfriend and disown the girl with the way she is acting. 

I feel like a bad mother for wanting my daughter to move to her place so I can have peace in my house again and it's only been a week. I know I am going to miss her but I really can't stand her. Everything is a fight....she can't seem to be able to listen. I have stop talking and just let her be. But I am in trouble for nothing talking to her about what she is going to take and give her stuff to furnish her kitchen. I told her take what you want and I will bring stuff when I come visit....now I am not involved enough. 

What do I do? I have the urge to run away.....I just needed to tell someone. If I talk to her with anyone then I would feel bad for bad mouthing my child. I do love her and she is my everything but I really don't like this person.:crying:


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## CharlieParker

Please don’t tell me she’s become a Red Sox fan.

But seriously, sorry you’re going through this. I guess she’s gonna have to figure things out on her own, including making her own mistakes, sooner or later. But we don’t have children so what do I know.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

brooklynAnn said:


> My DD22 graduated college last week, with the news that she has accepted a job up in MA where she went to school. She thinks it woulld be a great learning opportunity for her. We thought it was stupid to take a low paying job and have to pay rent etc whereas, she can come home and get a job here and pay for nothing.
> 
> She has no debt so all she has to pay is rent and living expenses...light and wifi and food. She was looking at some awfully places and my husband of course put a stop to that ... we found her a nice place, no roommates.
> 
> My problem is that I feel that my child is now a pain in the ass entitled little witch. She has a few more days with us and it's like she can't wait to leave. She is always in a mood and acts like we have never done anything for her. Her school cost us out of pocket 180k, which her dad paid without blinking. She always had money given to her every month and we visited her once a month. If she is sick we are there to take her to the doctor. If she is scared of the wind and lighting we stayed on the phone with her. If she had a bad dream we stayed on the phone with her.
> 
> Now she is acting like we never did anything for her and she got everything herself. I am about to slap the **** out of the kid because I can see how upset my husband gets. He loves that girl more than himself.
> 
> And yes, she got a sweet boy in MA. I understand young love and I know they want to be together. He is smart and is going to live at home to save money and pay his loans. He is going to be an hour away. He is a wonderful boy and loves us.
> 
> I swear I will adopt the boyfriend and disown the girl with the way she is acting.
> 
> I feel like a bad mother for wanting my daughter to move to her place so I can have peace in my house again and it's only been a week. I know I am going to miss her but I really can't stand her. Everything is a fight....she can't seem to be able to listen. I have stop talking and just let her be. But I am in trouble for nothing talking to her about what she is going to take and give her stuff to furnish her kitchen. I told her take what you want and I will bring stuff when I come visit....now I am not involved enough.
> 
> What do I do? I have the urge to run away.....I just needed to tell someone. If I talk to her with anyone then I would feel bad for bad mouthing my child. I do love her and she is my everything but I really don't like this person.:crying:


Allow me to share a few thoughts. I apologize if you were just looking to vent and not asking for any feedback.

This is a common growing pain... for you both. It's pretty much what happens when a lot of fledglings leave the nest. 

I agree this may be a good learning opportunity for her... just not necessarily in the way she is thinking. She's going to learn a lot about life, and rather fast at this point. The point is that if she lived rent free with you, she wouldn't learn those early independence life lessons we all need to learn at some point. It is a growing pain for you because it can be a very painful transition for the parent, especially when you desperately want what's best for her and you can see a cheaper/lower risk/better path. But the break must be made and learning must begin. 

For reference, I've been through this with two daughters.

Another thought. This is her first such major transition. As such, she has no experience from which to draw on how to handle it... and that includes handling relationships with those closest to her. Many people subconsciously create strife or friction prior to a move so as to start the break early to facilitate making it easier when the big day comes. What feels like entitlement, disrespect, or disregard may actually just be a defense mechanism kicking in. It may also be the manifestation of a very real, but buried too deep to acknowledge, fear of change and uncertainty about the future they want to create for themselves. 

Gotta' let em grow and figure it out. We can't eliminate the bumps in the road, nor should we even if we could. If you raised her well, know that she is probably more resilient than you give her credit for, and that she will mautre rapidly now. Be ready to transition from a relationship based on provider/child to a different kind of mother/daughter relationship which is no less special or rewarding.

I'll never forget when my oldest phoned home and said to my wife "Mom... you were right." My wife beamed for a week. And the two of them have a marvelous, strong, loving, and mutually supportive relationship to this day and I would bet my life savings that will never change. 

Best wishes and I look forward to hearing about when the downturned corners of your mouth turn back upwards. I am confident they will.


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## Cletus

Don't we raise our children to ultimately make their own decisions, even when we don't like them?

I'm no fan of my daughter's current S.O., but he's not abusive, so it's not my business. Neither is the job she takes, where she lives, or, well, much of anything else.

It sounds like you think the fact that you paid for her education entitles you to have a further say in how she conducts her life post-graduation. This would make me bridle too. 

Look, I'm sure she is incredibly grateful for the effort you two have put in. She will show it, in time, when the desire to make it on her own lessens. You did good as a parent - now reap the reward, even if it doesn't yet feel very rewarding.


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## Spicy

I would be sad and frustrated too. I can’t imagine either of my kids acting this way.

She sounds extremely spoiled. I would stop that immediately. Don’t intervene to “save” her for things anymore. She doesn’t appreciate what wonderfully generous and caring parents she has. I wouldn’t continue to spoil her. Let her flounder, let her struggle, let her become the adult that she is. Otherwise, she stays the entitled brat she has become...

Hopefully, someday, she will appreciate what all you have done. I doubt that will happen if you continue to spoil her.


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## sokillme

brooklynAnn said:


> My DD22 graduated college last week, with the news that she has accepted a job up in MA where she went to school. She thinks it woulld be a great learning opportunity for her. We thought it was stupid to take a low paying job and have to pay rent etc whereas, she can come home and get a job here and pay for nothing.
> 
> She has no debt so all she has to pay is rent and living expenses...light and wifi and food. She was looking at some awfully places and my husband of course put a stop to that ... we found her a nice place, no roommates.
> 
> My problem is that I feel that my child is now a pain in the ass entitled little witch. She has a few more days with us and it's like she can't wait to leave. She is always in a mood and acts like we have never done anything for her. * Her school cost us out of pocket 180k, which her dad paid without blinking.* She always had money given to her every month and we visited her once a month. If she is sick we are there to take her to the doctor. *If she is scared of the wind and lighting we stayed on the phone with her. If she had a bad dream we stayed on the phone with her. *
> 
> Now she is acting like we never did anything for her and she got everything herself. I am about to slap the **** out of the kid because I can see how upset my husband gets. He loves that girl more than himself.
> 
> And yes, she got a sweet boy in MA. I understand young love and I know they want to be together. He is smart and is going to live at home to save money and pay his loans. He is going to be an hour away. He is a wonderful boy and loves us.
> 
> I swear I will adopt the boyfriend and disown the girl with the way she is acting.
> 
> I feel like a bad mother for wanting my daughter to move to her place so I can have peace in my house again and it's only been a week. I know I am going to miss her but I really can't stand her. Everything is a fight....she can't seem to be able to listen. I have stop talking and just let her be. But I am in trouble for nothing talking to her about what she is going to take and give her stuff to furnish her kitchen. I told her take what you want and I will bring stuff when I come visit....now I am not involved enough.
> 
> What do I do? I have the urge to run away.....I just needed to tell someone. If I talk to her with anyone then I would feel bad for bad mouthing my child. I do love her and she is my everything but I really don't like this person.:crying:


Here in lies the problem. She has become entitled. You should let her fail. That is how you learn. Maybe she won't fail but either way she will be better for it. It's not your job anymore to protect her from consequences. That really should go away as kids grow up anyway. 

And you don't have to like her right now. That is OK but part of this is your misplaced guilt and feelings of responsibility of her. She just got a 180k education. Time to skin or swim. It's OK to tell your kids they have to grow up and fend for themselves, you are not being a bad parent when you do that, quite the contrary you are being a good one. It's OK to say look I did my job now it's time for you to take agency in your life. You are not responsible for her happiness and you are not helping her by trying to be. She needs to learn that she is responsibly for her own happiness, that way it won't be her husband or her job or whatever. The sooner she learns this the better he life will be. Just like sometimes you let the kid fall down so they learn not to do that again. She needs to learn how to adult. I am not saying living on the street I am saying suffer like we all did when we were starting out. 

Let her take ownership in her own life, tell her it's time for her to go be an adult. I suspect you wouldn't resent her so much. Good parenting doesn't mean preventing them from having consequences or giving them everything they ever wanted. Life is not like that, don't teach them that it is. It doesn't help them in the long run. Seems to me letting go is your last job as a parent.


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## EleGirl

I have heard that God made babies so cute and lovable so that we will take care of them even though the drain everything out of us. And He made teens (and early 20-somethings) obnoxious brats so that we will push them out the door and force them to grow up.

I think that's right.

What I learned from my kids is that they act like that because leaving home is hard for them.

It won't be all that many more years before she realizes that you and her dad are the smartest 2 people on earth.


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## azimuth

What a gift it is that upon graduation she has a job and boyfriend who seems to be in it for the long haul. Both of those things are hard to do at a demanding school so I'm impressed. When I graduated, I had no job and no boyfriend. I had to move back home for a few months and my dad griped at me constantly for not having a job. Your daughter seems like she's well on her way to a bright future, thanks to your raising her. Be proud in your accomplishment and just try to get through these next few days. I would consider the physical distance between you as a blessing. You'll have space to recharge and reset between visits. Congratulations to her and you!


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## Blondilocks

Your daughter is the way she was raised to be.


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## SunCMars

...


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## brooklynAnn

Don't get me wrong, she is not a bad child. She works very hard and is very independent. She is a very strong girl. I think we raise her to have a strong work ethic, to be a thinker and to have respect and good manners. The two of us are very close, she tells me everything. I take my job as her parent as one that is to teach, guide and support while being loving. And I have no problem telling her off and bringing her back to earth

But all that independence is what is biting me in the ass now. I don't want to tell her anything because she is moving far away so I am biting my tongue and holding it in. 

Thank you all for your words. They all hold so much truth and knowledge.

I was looking forward to having her at home. I know I am being selfish. I love her company. We go shopping, lunch and watch shows together. We get each other. My husband always says we are so alike that's why we get on each other nerves. I want her for myself and hate having to share her. I am the worst kind of parent....the ones that cant let go....:crying:


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## Marc878

Let her grow up. I'd lay out what we've done for you and now you're on your own.

You do them no favor by not letting them learn life's lessons.

She'll figure it out.

BTW I didn't figure out my mom was a genius until my late 20's and she kept getting smarter after that. Ha!!!


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## OnTheFly

Curious which degree costs 180k?


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## sokillme

brooklynAnn said:


> Don't get me wrong, she is not a bad child. She works very hard and is very independent. She is a very strong girl. I think we raise her to have a strong work ethic, to be a thinker and to have respect and good manners. The two of us are very close, she tells me everything. I take my job as her parent as one that is to teach, guide and support while being loving. And I have no problem telling her off and bringing her back to earth
> 
> But all that independence is what is biting me in the ass now. I don't want to tell her anything because she is moving far away so I am biting my tongue and holding it in.
> 
> Thank you all for your words. They all hold so much truth and knowledge.
> 
> I was looking forward to having her at home. I know I am being selfish. I love her company. We go shopping, lunch and watch shows together. We get each other. My husband always says we are so alike that's why we get on each other nerves. I want her for myself and hate having to share her. I am the worst kind of parent....the ones that cant let go....:crying:


No your not. You love your daughter. Try to remember though, all things in life end. To everything there is a season right? That is the cycle of life. And part of that is what makes life so rich. If everything stayed the same we would take it for granted. Take pride in the job you did. Now is the time to grow closer to your husband again. But tell him you want to do this because sometimes us men don't get it so you have to hit us over the head with it. Both of you accomplished your mission!

Sounds like you did a good job, be proud and watch and see what your work and love produces. Hopefully a successful life and a legacy of grandchildren.


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## Mr. Nail

As my son frequently said to me, The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree.


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## frusdil

Marc878 said:


> Let her grow up. I'd lay out what we've done for you and now you're on your own.
> 
> You do them no favor by not letting them learn life's lessons.
> 
> She'll figure it out.
> 
> *BTW I didn't figure out my mom was a genius until my late 20's and she kept getting smarter after that*. Ha!!!


:rofl: Same here!!



sokillme said:


> No your not. You love your daughter. Try to remember though, all things in life end. To everything there is a season right? That is the cycle of life. And part of that is what makes life so rich. If everything stayed the same we would take it for granted. Take pride in the job you did. Now is the time to grow closer to your husband again. But tell him you want to do this because sometimes us men don't get it so you have to hit us over the head with it. Both of you accomplished your mission!
> 
> Sounds like you did a good job, be proud and watch and see what your work and love produces. Hopefully a successful life and a legacy of grandchildren.


You sir, are so wise. I love your posts :smile2:


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## SunCMars

brooklynAnn said:


> Don't get me wrong, she is not a bad child. She works very hard and is very independent. She is a very strong girl. I think we raise her to have a strong work ethic, to be a thinker and to have respect and good manners. The two of us are very close, she tells me everything. *I take my job as her parent as one that is to teach, guide and support while being loving. And I have no problem telling her off and bringing her back to earth*
> 
> But all that independence is what is biting me in the ass now. I don't want to tell her anything because she is moving far away so *I am biting my tongue and holding it in.*
> 
> Thank you all for your words. They all hold so much truth and knowledge.
> 
> I was looking forward to having her at home. I know I am being selfish. I love her company. We go shopping, lunch and watch shows together. We get each other. My husband always says we are so alike that's why we get on each other nerves. I want her for myself and hate having to share her. I am the worst kind of parent....the ones that cant let go....:crying:


Yes, by all means do that.

If you play it cool, friendly, but no more, she will come back to you.
*As soon as she starts her own family.
*

After the first baby all will change.

And stop bailing them out. Make them come to you!

Stop with the advice....
Unless she asks for your opinion.

I know, it is so hard.





[THM]- THRD


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## Mr.Married

You reap what you sow ......

Don't take that as an insult because I have one just like yours !!!


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## Cooper

Frankly I think you should be jumping for joy she is moving! I love watching my kids grow and learn, I certainly don't always agree with their decisions but don't interfere. Support her and understand her, at this stage of her life that's what she needs. Succeed or fail, you need to be proud of her either way.


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## SunCMars

brooklynAnn said:


> Don't get me wrong, she is not a bad child. She works very hard and is very independent. She is a very strong girl. I think we raise her to have a strong work ethic, to be a thinker and to have respect and good manners. The two of us are very close, she tells me everything. I take my job as her parent as one that is to teach, guide and support while being loving. And I have no problem telling her off and bringing her back to earth
> 
> But all that independence is what is biting me in the ass now. I don't want to tell her anything because she is moving far away so I am biting my tongue and holding it in.
> 
> Thank you all for your words. They all hold so much truth and knowledge.
> 
> *I was looking forward to having her at home. I know I am being selfish. I love her company. We go shopping, lunch and watch shows together. We get each other. My husband always says we are so alike that's why we get on each other nerves. I want her for myself and hate having to share her. I am the worst kind of parent....the ones that cant let go.*...:crying:


:smile2:

I understand.


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## Blondilocks

Your daughter is transitioning into being a full-fledged adult. You and her Dad will always be her parents; but, now she needs to see that you see her as an adult. You don't get to 'put your foot down' on her desires - she is an adult. Express concern and offer advice - yes.

A sure fire way for a daughter to see that her mom sees her as an adult is when Mom asks her for advice. It can be a turning point in the relationship. 

It will take a little time to navigate your new relationship so expect some bristling and pulling back. Just hold steady and remember that she is an adult (or, trying to become one).


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## Mr.Married

Is your daughter by chance .... a Vegan? Stay with me. I'm going somewhere with this.


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## Blondilocks

Mr.Married said:


> Is your daughter by chance .... a Vegan? Stay with me. I'm going somewhere with this.


I can't wait - let's assume she is. Let's hear it.


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## Mr.Married

Blondilocks said:


> I can't wait - let's assume she is. Let's hear it.


Being Vegan kills off the natural supply of iron one gets from their diet, and iodine as well. This is also the case with children who drink too much milk. The milk
interferes with the bodies ability to process the iron. This imbalance had a huge effect on my daughter. Once fixed it was amazing how much she became the
daughter we once knew again. 

The doctor said it was extremely common in young girls doing the Vegan thing.


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## Blondilocks

Mr.Married said:


> Being Vegan kills off the natural supply of iron one gets from their diet, and iodine as well. This is also the case with children who drink too much milk. The milk
> interferes with the bodies ability to process the iron. This imbalance had a huge effect on my daughter. Once fixed it was amazing how much she became the
> daughter we once knew again.
> 
> The doctor said it was extremely common in young girls doing the Vegan thing.


So, the lack of iron and iodine make vegans crabby? They can get iodine from table salt.


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## Mr.Married

Blondilocks said:


> So, the lack of iron and iodine make vegans crabby? They can get iodine from table salt.


Crabby like enough to overload every seafood house in 100 miles. We could not believe the difference.


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## NextTimeAround

I'm uncomfortable with the thought that you feel your daughter should now be a ready made companion for you. you claim she gets you ....... obviously not this time. I feel that I have / had this problem with my parents. I did not become what they wanted me to become. Along the way, there were "you can't do that ..... (either based on permission on their perception of my abilities).

In my 40s, my parents very loudly asked what they got for all that money they spent on my education ...... to which I responded, if you hadn't made so much money I would have been eligible for more scholarships. I did get a couple along the way which my mother "forgets" until she wants to speak to me ....ie Oh, I remember now.

Well, my father's dead now ..... and despite 5 other kids, my mother seems to beg me to call her. I reminded her that Dad said that if we don't talk about "X", then there is nothing to talk about (X was one of their go to questions to get a rise out of me) I remind my mother that Dad never retracted that statement.

If you thought having kids was about having Minime's or blow up dolls that exactly as you say, then you are sorely mistaken. And there is more to life that going shopping.


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## Mr.Married

brooklynAnn said:


> She has a few more days with us and it's like she can't wait to leave. She is always in a mood and acts like we have never done anything for her.
> 
> Now she is acting like we never did anything for her and she got everything herself. I am about to slap the **** out of the kid because I can see how upset my husband gets. He loves that girl more than himself.
> 
> 
> I swear I will adopt the boyfriend and disown the girl with the way she is acting.
> 
> I know I am going to miss her but I really can't stand her. Everything is a fight....she can't seem to be able to listen. I have stop talking and just let her be. But I am in trouble for nothing talking to her about what she is going to take and give her stuff to furnish her kitchen. I told her take what you want and I will bring stuff when I come visit....now I am not involved enough.
> 
> :


I have two girls: last about to leave for college.

They both were complete witches right before they left.

There is a huge difference between the independence they claim they want, and the fear they hide when they are faced with it.

Her internal conflict over it is the source of her current nature.

Time cures many things ...... give it some time. The storm will come to pass.

Even if she will never say it to your face ..... she fully understands what you have done for her. Her mouth will set those words free in a couple years. Give it time.


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## turnera

brooklynAnn said:


> My DD22 graduated college last week, with the news that she has accepted a job up in MA where she went to school. She thinks it woulld be a great learning opportunity for her. We thought it was stupid to take a low paying job and have to pay rent etc whereas, she can come home and get a job here and pay for nothing.
> 
> She has no debt so all she has to pay is rent and living expenses...light and wifi and food. She was looking at some awfully places and my husband of course put a stop to that ... we found her a nice place, no roommates.
> 
> My problem is that I feel that my child is now a pain in the ass entitled little witch. She has a few more days with us and it's like she can't wait to leave. She is always in a mood and acts like we have never done anything for her. Her school cost us out of pocket 180k, which her dad paid without blinking. She always had money given to her every month and we visited her once a month. If she is sick we are there to take her to the doctor. If she is scared of the wind and lighting we stayed on the phone with her. If she had a bad dream we stayed on the phone with her.
> 
> Now she is acting like we never did anything for her and she got everything herself. I am about to slap the **** out of the kid because I can see how upset my husband gets. He loves that girl more than himself.
> 
> And yes, she got a sweet boy in MA. I understand young love and I know they want to be together. He is smart and is going to live at home to save money and pay his loans. He is going to be an hour away. He is a wonderful boy and loves us.
> 
> I swear I will adopt the boyfriend and disown the girl with the way she is acting.
> 
> I feel like a bad mother for wanting my daughter to move to her place so I can have peace in my house again and it's only been a week. I know I am going to miss her but I really can't stand her. Everything is a fight....she can't seem to be able to listen. I have stop talking and just let her be. But I am in trouble for nothing talking to her about what she is going to take and give her stuff to furnish her kitchen. I told her take what you want and I will bring stuff when I come visit....now I am not involved enough.
> 
> What do I do? I have the urge to run away.....I just needed to tell someone. If I talk to her with anyone then I would feel bad for bad mouthing my child. I do love her and she is my everything but I really don't like this person.:crying:


So...you pay her way through school, you override her choice of a place to stay and put her in a 'good' place for her own good, you offer to give her stuff to furnish it and even give away your own stuff if she wants it...and you're surprised she's spoiled? lol


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## Lloyd Dobler

OnTheFly said:


> Curious which degree costs 180k?


I had the same thought at first, but then I went back and re-read and she said the degree cost them $180k out of pocket, so my guess is that there was some school-provided money thrown in there too. College degrees in MA for the most part are not cheap.


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## Deejo

The biggest learning experiences life has to teach us, seldom come from making good choices.

Growing up doesn't happen because you avoid mistakes, it's what happens when you make them.

I can understand your feelings.

Sounds to me like your daughter is going to do just fine.


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## brooklynAnn

UPdate:

She is all moved out. Her brother has this dream of redoing her room to showcase his various collections. 

Our house is at peace. The boy has no moods swings. 

We helped her move this weekend and spent the weekend with her getting situated. We had a nice talk because I could not stand her moodiness anymore. She said she felt bad about being moody but I was not showing any interest in what she was doing and not giving her support. I said, it's hard supporting someone who is in a nasty mood most of the time. Anything I said just seemed so wrong and put her in a bad mood. And she needed to check herself.

Her brother told me she was worried that she is moving so far and signing a lease what if she gets fired and that sort of thing. He told her he has money and would help her. I wanted to kill myself laughing when he told me this. They usually don't talk that much to each other and he is a very giving boy but I was surprised that he would offering to give her money. lol. 

I told her she is not a child anymore, she needs to start using words to express how she feels. And to stop saying, "I know " to everything. There is nothing more annoying than hear her say I know every time I open my mouth. 

I enjoy her company very much when she is normal. And I do not want her to become my companion. I just expected we would have her a little bit more to ourselves before life takes her away to other things. 

No. she is not a vegan but she has UC. Last year she had a nasty flare up which took a long time to sort itself out. So, she is very careful about what she eats and is on a gluten free diet.

Do we feel that we are entitled to having a return on paying for her school? I don't think so. NTA, I do have high expectation for her and I have been learning to check myself when I have those thoughts. I have been learning to accept that she will do what she wants. Like she said to me, you should do it if you want that. But I am not as smart as she is. And she is a very strong willed girl and does as she wants any way. I already have long term care insurance so she would not have to take care of me when I am old. Just pick me out a nice nursing home with lots of audio books and I will be happy. lol

What was funny as we were getting ready to sleep at her place( air beds and all), she said, mama when are you coming to spend time with me? I said when you miss me. My husband laughed.

My husband said now he has a good understanding when people talk about their kids giving them a hard time. Lesson, don't judge people because of their kids.

Yesterday, was her first day at work. She has her own office with a fridge....and two people working under her and a fancy title. My son said, that's what you get when they pay you nothing. Came home all tired and hungry. She was so happy, I stock up her fridge and freezer and make her food before leaving. 

Now hopefully her life turns out the way she wants it to. She called at 6:30 to tell me she is going in early to set things up the way she wants it and show them who is the boss. The child still has a lot to learn. One chapter is closed. Or should I say, one book is finished?


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## turnera

brooklynAnn said:


> She has her own office with a fridge....and two people working under her and a fancy title.


T/J: Yikes. This makes me cringe. Two of the three worst bosses I've ever had have been young females straight out of college. Think they know how to be a boss, yet take actions straight out of a textbook. *sigh* Be prepared for some late-night 'well, here is something that happened to someone in my workplace long ago' conversations so you can help her fix things. You can't tell her what to do; she'll reject it outright. But if you couch it in 'I saw this happen once' she may hear it and use it for herself.


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## bkyln309

Let her pay rent, pay bills and live in a ****ty apartment. It will make her a better person. It will teach her to be an adult and be responsible. Stop interfering with her life. Go find your own. You arent doing her any favors by doing it for her. You are going to make her a co-dependent adult. Sounds like this more your issue than hers. 
And dont let your son help her. 

I moved out at 17. Moved to NYC to go to school and work. Parents drove me up, dropped me off and said good luck. Best thing they ever did.


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## brooklynAnn

turnera said:


> T/J: Yikes. This makes me cringe. Two of the three worst bosses I've ever had have been young females straight out of college. Think they know how to be a boss, yet take actions straight out of a textbook. *sigh* Be prepared for some late-night 'well, here is something that happened to someone in my workplace long ago' conversations so you can help her fix things. You can't tell her what to do; she'll reject it outright. But if you couch it in 'I saw this happen once' she may hear it and use it for herself.


I thought that was crazy too. :surprise: I am learning to shut my mouth and become noddy.


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## brooklynAnn

bkyln309 said:


> Let her pay rent, pay bills and live in a ****ty apartment. It will make her a better person. It will teach her to be an adult and be responsible. Stop interfering with her life. Go find your own. You arent doing her any favors by doing it for her. You are going to make her a co-dependent adult. Sounds like this more your issue than hers.
> And dont let your son help her.
> 
> I moved out at 17. Moved to NYC to go to school and work. Parents drove me up, dropped me off and said good luck. Best thing they ever did.


I had the urge to do that but my husband will never do that. He loves that girl more than himself. SHe will be paying her own bills. We are not going to give her money...her brother was just saying incase something bad happens he will help her. He only has his bit of money saved up from what he get walking dogs and from us. He is still in college. 

I want her to learn to live within her means. So, there will be no more pocket money. I already told my husband that but I saw he gave her cash, just in case. I told him that will be that last amount given.


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## azimuth

With all due respect, she just graduated from college and is working at a job with two people under her. She's doing great. I think you should be so proud and over the moon. I didn't get that from your post. You seem to criticize her a lot and I don't see what she did that was bad enough to warrant that. "The child has a lot to learn." She's not a child anymore. And yes, most young people do have a lot to learn and she knows that. She will figure it out because she has the tools. She's starting out as a boss already. You imply that she's going to be a bad boss. For her first job I wouldn't put that much pressure on her to be a perfect boss but to find her strengths as a leader. It seems like you're expecting her to fail. Maybe send a text saying that you're proud of her. That will mean more than any food or money.


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## brooklynAnn

azimuth said:


> With all due respect, she just graduated from college and is working at a job with two people under her. She's doing great. I think you should be so proud and over the moon. I didn't get that from your post. You seem to criticize her a lot and I don't see what she did that was bad enough to warrant that. "The child has a lot to learn." She's not a child anymore. And yes, most young people do have a lot to learn and she knows that. She will figure it out because she has the tools. She's starting out as a boss already. You imply that she's going to be a bad boss. For her first job I wouldn't put that much pressure on her to be a perfect boss but to find her strengths as a leader. It seems like you're expecting her to fail. Maybe send a text saying that you're proud of her. That will mean more than any food or money.


Not at all. I have so much respect for her. I see her clearly, as an amazing young woman who, will be successful no matter what obstacles comes in her way. She has that amazing ability to bulldoze thru things and go for what she wants. 

I was just saying she has a lot to learn about life in general.

She knows we are so proud of her. We recognize her success and hard work. However, we don't go around praising our kids constantly because it might give them a bighead. 

And thank you for your words...I have to let her know I am proud that she was able to land a job and have the courage to move like she did. Sometimes, when things get difficult you then to forget those things and see the negative only. Thank you


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## september_sky

Your post reminds me a lot of when I was 18 and had just moved away from home. My parent's reaction was very similar to yours. I was dying to get out of the house and to get some freedom because they had always been controlling and restrictive. I didn't really have face to face contact with people my age, so I ended up meeting my boyfriend (my now husband) online. A few months before my 19th birthday, I ended up moving two states away to be with him. From my point of view, there was no reason to NOT move away. I would be closer to the person that I loved, and I would finally get out from under my parents. They, however, had a complete meltdown and acted like it was the worst thing in the world. At this point, my two older brothers were in their late 20s and still living at home and had never moved out, so my parents literally had no idea what it was like to have one of their children even move out of their house, let alone move 400+ miles away. My husband has always treated me well, but their only complaint was the fact that he was 10 years older than me and had been married before (no children). We ended up getting married about a year after I moved to be with him. My mom tried her hardest to convince me that I was too young to get married, that I would regret it, etc. My husband and I have been married for going on 10 years and we have 3 kids together now, and I have no regrets about the choices I've made. I remembered thinking to myself back then "If I'm happy, why can't they just be happy for me?". I'm telling you from experience. You need to let go and let your daughter make her own decisions. Otherwise, you're only going to cause resentment. 

You need to understand that she is an adult and you have NO RIGHT to tell her where to live, where to work, etc. You can disagree with it, but ultimately, understand that she does not have to listen to you. Let it go. You say it's "stupid" that she wants to live and work in another state when she could live with you for free. You should be proud of her that she feels confident enough in herself to live away from home and support herself. She isn't doing anything wrong. She is going through the normal phases of becoming an adult. She wants to make her own decisions, her own mistakes, she wants independence. That's the only way she will grow and learn. You seem to think that just because you've paid for her college, you have the right to dictate her life. If you're going to do something generous for your child as a gift, it should be just that. A gift. If you're doing it with the intentions of having strings attached or with the idea that your child will owe you something because of it, then it's not truly a gift. I highly doubt that your daughter is acting "moody" because she thinks you and your husband have never done anything for her. I was aggravated and frustrated with my parents too when I moved out, because I felt like they thought I was incapable of making my own decisions. If you said to your daughter "I just want you to know, even though you're not doing things the way that I would want you to, I respect that you're an adult and I have confidence in you and your choices.", her attitude toward you would probably change. Maybe she's making a mistake, maybe she's not. The point is, the only way she's going to learn is through life experience. Have confidence in your daughter and the way that you've raised her, and wish her the best.


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## Thound

I know it's hard, but I would suggest let her go. Let her fly or crash and burn. It's her choice but so are her consequences.


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## Diana7

My children all moved out in their early to mid 20's. They all had their share of not too nice places, and they all shared homes for many years with flat or house mates, due to the very high price of rents in the UK. I think that was great for them, taught them so much about life, how to get on with people they lived with, budget, pay bills, cook, and they all matured greatly in those early years. 
Stop protecting her, let her decide where to live, pay all her own bills and make her own mistakes.


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## SpinyNorman

brooklynAnn said:


> If she is scared of the wind and lighting we stayed on the phone with her. If she had a bad dream we stayed on the phone with her.


I guess this is common nowadays, but I think if you had cut the cord a bit more then it might not be so painful now.


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## WorkingWife

I am a little confused by your description of her behavior. She is acting "entitled" yet she was going to take an awful place before you and your H. intervened. What exactly is she saying/doing that is driving you mad? If she just defiant any time you try to give her advice? Has she shown no gratitude for the $180K education? (My GOD! I never even asked my parent for college money, but I know a lot of parents do pay for their kids college). Does she act like she doesn't want to be there?

If she's behaving like a bratty ingrate, is that totally new behavior?

It's hard to say based on the description you gave but I think the people who say detaching and becoming independent is hard have a point. Based on what you say below, it may be that you both are having trouble. You may be becoming more clingy as you see your baby bird leaving the nest, which probably drives her mad as she's trying to think and make decisions for herself. And she's probably being exceptionally belligerent and defiant of your "suggestions" as she ventures out to create her own life.

I was going to say I would not hold back on telling her she needs to be more grateful for the education and what not, but from your post below it sounds like you do tell her what you think.

Hang in there! Don't accept bratty, entitled, smug behavior from her, but also try not to smother her and criticize her plans/ideas unless they're really detrimental to her.

ALSO it's probably hard for you and your H if she's looking at settling down so far from home. You might talk to her about that, how you're proud she's on her own but you're really hoping that someday she'll move back to your home town so you can be close to her and her family.



brooklynAnn said:


> Don't get me wrong, she is not a bad child. She works very hard and is very independent. She is a very strong girl. I think we raise her to have a strong work ethic, to be a thinker and to have respect and good manners. The two of us are very close, she tells me everything. I take my job as her parent as one that is to teach, guide and support while being loving. And I have no problem telling her off and bringing her back to earth
> 
> But all that independence is what is biting me in the ass now. I don't want to tell her anything because she is moving far away so I am biting my tongue and holding it in.
> 
> Thank you all for your words. They all hold so much truth and knowledge.
> 
> I was looking forward to having her at home. I know I am being selfish. I love her company. We go shopping, lunch and watch shows together. We get each other. My husband always says we are so alike that's why we get on each other nerves. I want her for myself and hate having to share her. I am the worst kind of parent....the ones that cant let go....:crying:


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