# Separating Our Finances - Advice?



## FoodFrenzy (Oct 27, 2013)

Good morning everyone,

Last night, dh and I had a disagreement for the umpteenth time about money. It's always one of our "themes" and comes up pretty regularly. However, this time, he came to the same conclusion that I have been pushing for now for over a year: it's time for us to separate our finances.

A little background:

Hubby and I are actually both very financially responsible. I may spend a little more than he does, but I am still big on savings. Both of us have credit scores over 800, which I think is a testament to how careful we both are with money.
We both make in the same ballpark in terms of salaries. It's split 57/43, with hubby making a little more than me... but neither of us consider him the "primary bread winner"
In general, we agree on the basics, including what housing projects we want to save for, retirement, vacation, etc.

Seeing the above, you might wonder WHY we fight, or feel the need to split our finances. The problem centers around wants vs. needs. Because I am naturally more vocal about the things I want, and because I am more of a "go-getter," I tend to go after the things I want, even if/when they cost money. However, my husband prefers to save unless the purchase is much more necessary. Over the years, he seems to have built up resentment toward me. Last night, he said that he feels I get what I want much more than he gets what he wants, and that every time I tell him I want something, he feels like I am taking something away from him that he could want in the future. I felt hurt by this, and I told him that if he just COMMUNICATED that he wanted something, I would not stand in his way, nor would I mind giving up one of my wants for his sake... the problem is, I need to KNOW he wants something for me to be able to do anything about it. 

I am hoping that, by splitting our finances, we can both have control of our own financial decisions, and it will dispel the resentment. 

I think we are on the same general page about splitting our finances, but we have a couple challenges ahead. For example:

I have decided to go back to school and get my Masters. My current employer actually reimburses tuition, but I have to pay it up front . I'll also need to pay for books. Up front cost isn't terrible. However, this decision was made before we decided to split our finances. My question is: Should I foot the entire bill now? Or should it be split?
Hubby wants to buy a new car. That is going to be a larger up-front expense than my schooling. Do we split the bill or does he pay all of it?
What do we do with our savings? We don't have a TON in savings, and I feel like, to get ourselves started, we may need to just split it among the two of us to have it available if needed.

I think the hardest thing about all of this is the fact that we are splitting the finances AFTER having established a different system over the past 6 years. How do we divide the groceries? The other household necessities? What if we want to go out to dinner together... who pays? It's just so new to both of us... Any advice is much appreciated.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

When you get your masters, you will be able to earn more, right? If so, will you still have separate finances? If you want financial independence, you need to accept the responsibility that comes with it.

Will your husband's new car be strictly for his use? If so, see above.

For the record, I hate this idea. The more people try to have total total independence and avoid making compromises in marriage, the more marriage becomes pointless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FoodFrenzy (Oct 27, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> When you get your masters, you will be able to earn more, right? If so, will you still have separate finances? If you want financial independence, you need to accept the responsibility that comes with it.
> 
> Will your husband's new car be strictly for his use? If so, see above.
> 
> ...


Zookeeper - your sentiments are not unlike my husband's. He was very reluctant to go down this road, because in his mind, once we separate the finances... what else are we going to separate? Make separate food? Watch TV in separate rooms? Etc. Etc.

However, I don't know how else to get around this. To me, it seems like taking ownership of our individual finances is the best way for us to both take responsibility for our spending. He can no longer blame me for not getting what he wants, and I can no longer accuse him of using our finances as a means of control. I am sure both of us will learn some lessons in this experience.. I may have taken for granted the work it was for him to manage all of these things (he was always in control of the finances), and I may also have more of an appreciation for the limits of my income and what I really can/can't afford. There is learning here for me to do too.

In regard to school and the car... those are blurry answers. Since we will still jointly be saving for things... sure, he could benefit from my Master's degree. Also, we will be splitting our fixed expenses by the ratio of our income... so the more I make, the less he will have to pay of said expenses.

The same goes for the car... it will be primarily his. However, right now, we each have our own cars and sometimes, we borrow the other person's car for what ever reason - More space, better gas mileage, better air conditioning... So, could I sometimes benefit by him having a newer car? Sure.

I don't know how to quantify potential benefits like that, however. And I think that's why I brought this issues up for discussion... to see if anyone else has had to answer difficult questions like this.


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## colotnk (Feb 3, 2012)

My husband and I were in your position some years ago. Our finances were almost exactly similar to yours. I was pushing for separate finances because I felt he was spending too much and got more of his wants than me. We did separate our finances for a few months before going back to joint finances like before.

When the finances were separated, it didn't really resolve any money arguments for us. If anything, it felt like we were heading down the wrong path - what's yours is yours and what mine is mine. For me, I had even less say in how he handled his money (which was one of the issues to start with). For him, he felt like we were a lot 'poorer' and we were making money decisions based on own interests instead of what's best for us as a couple down the road.

As a couple, we have far more financial leverage. (The sum is greater than its parts). We are able to invest and spend money on things we wouldn't be able to afford individually. We're working towards joint financial goals and that actually helps us become closer. Just having the 'us vs the world' commitment back when re-joint our finances has improved our marriage greatly.

My advice is to do it (separate your finances) just to see how you like it. Set the rules and adhere to them. Have talks regularly and tweak the rules if need to (might take a few tries to get them perfected). And set a time limit at 6 months or a year when you sit down and re-evaluate the big picture. 

Before doing anything though, discuss what your financial goals are and what you are trying to accomplish. Do you want to reduce money arguments? Do you want more control over the money you make? What do you want as a couple?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

So you want to separate your finance but you are finding all sorts of ways that exceptions can be justified. See whythis generally doesn't solve a thing?

Do you actually have a household budget currently or do you just see any money above your bills/saving goals to be used as desired? If it's the latter, I would suggest that a better way to address these issues is for you to agree on a certain amount of discretionary money budgeted to each of you every month. You each spend your portion as you please without any explanation. If you want some indulgent thing that is of significant cost, you save for it in your slush find and buy it whenever you can swing it. 

The rest of the money continues to be spent/saved in a joint fashion and any noteworthy purchases are discussed between you. If there is excess money, that's not a license to spend it indulgently. Like it or not, you are married. Married people do have to respect one another and owe their spouse input on how money is spent. My wife has rarely made a meaningful financial contribution and has not worked a paying job in over 6 years. She will sometimes say she is sorry for spending "my" money when she goes into "shopping therapy" mode. I always tell her that it is not my money, it is our money. Whatever the situation, we are in his together as a team. If we start doing the mine vs. yours thing, we become adversaries. The compromises can be very hard at times, but that's how marriage is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Zookeeper has said it all, and I agree with every word he has said above.


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## Chelhxi (Oct 30, 2008)

We've always had separate finances, so it's easier. Part of this was my plan on going back to school. He didn't want to take the financial risk associated with that. And we both wanted to maintain control of our day to day spending, and saved money. It ended up we both went back to school, so paid our own tuition, and didn't take on the other person's risk.

Our base salaries are similar but he ends up making more because he's doing rotating 12 hour shifts, so I'm happy for him to make extra money because of the extra difficulty of his job. So we split things like groceries, eating out together, utilities, etc 50/50. We discuss big joint purchases, like a car or TV ahead of time. 

If we buy something that just for ourselves, for fun, then it's separate. Like books, clothes, computer stuff.

It's worked great for us, but that's because it was a joint decision from prior to our marriage and we both already had assets and good money management skills.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Make a budget, which is basically just a written document you both agree on in terms of spending. It is really quite simple to set up, there are, many ways to go about it, the hard part is sticking with it and actually using it (or like in my case you may be house poor and the fixed expenses take too much from the discretionary amounts)

But since you said you are both savers it means you earn more than you spend, so I would also go to the bank (preferably one with free chequing accounts) and setup a number of accounts to help ease your mind... one account for all the fixed, monthly expenses, a joint account for variable monthly expenses such as food and gas, a joint savings account for shared big ticket items, then separate spending and savings accounts. Have the paychecks deposited to your joint expense account and set up automatic transfers to all the spending and savings accounts according to your budget.

It is also very helpful to keep a buffer in the deposit account so that you can actually pay yourselves from it weekly, even if your paycheck comes every two weeks or monthly, that makes it much easier to stay on track with daily spending.

And if you decide to separate your finances then simply deposit your income into your individual accounts and tweak your budget to suit your shared goals.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

make a budget. in your budget indicate what you can spend on yourselves. the rest should go to savings. 

will getting a masters really improve your earning potental? I would think long and hard before going down that road. I'm not saying you shouldn't try to improve yourself by going for more education but very often in today econmey it doesn't pan out that way and might even make you over qualifyed for certine jobs. not all masters help with earning more money. I don't know what field your in or location which both make a big difference in the out come of your plan. have you done any research about the demand in your area for the intended master degree?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you thought about talking to a financial counsellor or taking something like the Dave Ramsey class?

There's no "rules" for what you're trying to do. You'll have to negotiate all this stuff between you. Seems like a mess to me, but maybe it's better than your current mess.

C


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> make a budget. in your budget indicate what you can spend on yourselves. the rest should go to savings.
> 
> will getting a masters really improve your earning potental? I would think long and hard before going down that road. I'm not saying you shouldn't try to improve yourself by going for more education but very often in today econmey it doesn't pan out that way and might even make you over qualifyed for certine jobs. not all masters help with earning more money. I don't know what field your in or location which both make a big difference in the out come of your plan. have you done any research about the demand in your area for the intended master degree?


Definitely some truth to this. I got my masters almost 10 years ago. My current position, does not require it and I don't believe that I make a dollar more for having it.

Where I think it does make a difference is future advancement. At the point I am in my career, I can't go much further without one. Having the degree doesn't get me more money, but not having it would exclude me from the positions i would be interested in. I'm not sure how much further I want to go, as the next step up would greatly reduce my freedom and flexibility. Perhaps when my daughter is a bit older. Either way, I like the fact that the barrier does not exist. 


I am glad I got it before having a child as the workload would have been so much harder now. The downside to the way I did it is that the employer I had then had a terrible reimbursement package so I declined and paid for it myself(still paying, actually.). My current employer would have paid the entire thing. Despite that, if I had waited until now I would probably never do it.

One additional word of advice. If you are planning to do some online program, save your time. I don't mean to offend anyone who has gone this route, but in my business degrees from places like Phoenix are not taken very seriously. In time I expect they will be, but right now it's just lacks the impact of a brick and mortar institution. Of course this applies only if you are planning to use the degree to advance your career. If it is simply for self-actualization, do whatever you like.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I agree with make a budget.

You have little savings. That's the problem. He does not get what he needs (savings / security) but you get what you want... Splitting finances does not solve anything.. Becuase there must be give and take in a marriage.


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## FoodFrenzy (Oct 27, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> make a budget. in your budget indicate what you can spend on yourselves. the rest should go to savings.
> 
> will getting a masters really improve your earning potental? I would think long and hard before going down that road. I'm not saying you shouldn't try to improve yourself by going for more education but very often in today econmey it doesn't pan out that way and might even make you over qualifyed for certine jobs. not all masters help with earning more money. I don't know what field your in or location which both make a big difference in the out come of your plan. have you done any research about the demand in your area for the intended master degree?


My employer is actually paying for my school... my only upfront cost is books and fees. In the end, the investment will be relatively small... $4000 or less. So, I do think it will be worthwhile.


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## kjm (Jan 8, 2011)

We split our finances in 2003 over a similar argument. We both ended up being right. I asserted that I spent money differently than she did but not worse. She asserted I blew through money left and right. However, she wasn't seeing that I drove a POS car with no A/C and spent money on other things. She drove a relatively new car with all the options. I saw us spending huge sums on furniture and other things I thought were crap. Dave Ramsey says it is the first step to divorce but for us, it was the first step to respect. To this day we have separate accounts though she has access to mine and I have access to hers. It was a wonderful thing. We are both slightly competitive anyway, so we both try to spend as little as possible. At the time of the split I was making half of what she was (I was a college student), now I make double what she does. I think money is just one of those things you argue about in a marriage until finally you come to an agreement and figure out what works for you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why can't you go to a counselor who specializes in this and come to a better agreement?


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> When you get your masters, you will be able to earn more, right? If so, will you still have separate finances? If you want financial independence, you need to accept the responsibility that comes with it.
> 
> Will your husband's new car be strictly for his use? If so, see above.
> 
> ...


You need to learn to negotiate. Separating finances to avoid cultivating negotiation skills?

That's just going to cause your marriage to deteriorate. Muscle through it and learn how to negotiate with each other.

Splitting finances to avoid learning how to negotiate with each other?

Why not separate homes, have an open marriage too?

As was said.. why marry at all if you are going to separate things that you disagree on?

Find a way to negotiate. Take a negotiation course together.


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