# Fear of Intimacy



## GAR (Apr 1, 2011)

For those following my earlier post about why the first 4 weeks was great and now I feel strange with someone I met recently, I found 2 great links on fear of intimacy:

Fear of Real Intimacy | Psychology Today

http://www.joy2meu.com/Fear_of_Intimacy.html

I think this is me to a T. I did this before my marriage with woman I got close too (only 2-3 woman), I even did it with my soon to be ex-wife when we first started dating. I am now doing it with a woman I met 4+ weeks ago and really like. I am finding reasons in my mind to push her away. I find physical flaws and harp on them, stupid things. I find things they say and harp on them in my mind and start telling myself this is not the right one because of XYZ; when XYZ was something I adored and liked 2 weeks prior. I get very anxious. 

We talked on the phone last night for 30+ minutes and I loved talking to her. I wake up today though and have feelings of anxiety again. 

I know this is me, I know I need to figure this out and no, this is not a rebound "feeling".....I do not feel that or believe that. I say this because I have felt these exact feelings with other woman I started to get close to in the past. 

I am afraid to share personal things about myself with her for fear that she will judge me and leave. I am afraid I will start getting emotional or sappy in front of her talking about my marriage and what went wrong. So I keep quiet. I was nervous talking about my current divorce and ex and found myself only sharing small bits of information. She is the type who does not ask questions, which makes it easier for me. She says she knows I have stories and I will share them when I am ready. 

Have others had this issue? What did you do that helped you?


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Yes.
Slow down.
Small acts of courage.
You can't teach yourself to swim by jumping in over your head.
Even if your intentions are worthy, you need to give yourself time to learn the necessary skills, like building functional muscle memory, you need to build functional emotional memory.
4+ weeks and all this, it sounds like a case of too much too soon.
Maybe you are not rejecting the person per se but it's a mechanism designed for braking where braking is necessary.
To be comfortable with someone else's flaws you have to come to terms with your own...not theoretically, but honestly and patiently. You re afraid of her judging you because you are judging yourself still? And there is no reason someone needs to hear all the details of past relationships. That's for therapists. And some baggage, thankfully, can be checked onto a flight and due to the Gods of lost luggage, never seen again.


----------



## GAR (Apr 1, 2011)

Thanks homemaker. 

I am seeing a therapist every two weeks, I see her tomorrow. I plan to bring this up with her then.

The good news about this person I am seeing is she has a son and a busy work schedule, which will not allow us to see each other a lot, 2 times a week for 2-3 hours on a good week. She is also not pushing seeing me a lot...it's been more when our schedules allow we see each other. 

I like this as it will force me to go slow. I am also battling with not liking this as it's my tendency to go full speed ahead, get lost if you will, and I need to fight that desire.

The 2nd links talks about being attracted to the wrong kind of people, ones who are not emitioopnally available. I have done this many times in the past. I end up dating or seeing a girl who is simply not emotionally available and I turn into a mess. 

The girl I met recently is not like this. With her son and her work, she is not "available" to see each other as much as I would like, though when we are together she is emotionally available....I think this is what's scaring me and making me feel uncomfortable as it's not familiar to me. I have a lot of work to do...I simply hope while doing this work I do not push her away as she is a great person and I have connected with her.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You might want to explore the possibility of finding ways to relate intimately with people other than sexually intimate relationships. I could just cry at discovering the world outside marriage that is full of connections of caring, understanding, and intimacy. 

To be honest, it's overwhelming, and I try to be patient with myself when I feel like it's all going to break through the dam and drown me. Having other avenues of intimacy besides the one that involves physical sexual intimacy doesn't take away what you have with one person, it makes it more special. And since the pond's already filled, it's less likely to create a tidal wave. But the force of the current's still there. Difficult to explain.


----------



## GAR (Apr 1, 2011)

Thanks homemaker

I like what you are stating. There is a sexual intimacy connection with us. I have been feeling I do not want this to be all there is for us; and it really is not. We have had a lot of great talks, lots of walks together, she is teaching me about wines, which I never drank before, which I now enjoy, and lots of "touching" and being affectionate (not sexual, more carassing I guess), which is not like me though I enjoy being this way with her; even knowing it's not going to lead to sex. She is from Europe and I have enjoyed hearing about her home and her family. As my soon to be ex use to state, when I was affectionate with her it meant I wanted sex. I have not felt this yet with the woman I speak of here.

With my soon to be ex, when the sexual intimacy started going away I pulled away and the marriage went downhill faster.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I did mean not just with her, but with also other people in your life.
Besides just being good for you in general, it's also good practice for establishing intimacy in your primary/sexual relationship. By being intimate sexually too soon, which is the shortest pathway to endorphins, you short-circuit the other pathways. You can build them up and strengthen them in your other relationships with other people, that don't involve sex. Then you can also think more easily of your partner in non-sexual ways that are also intimate and will feed/support the sexual intimacy more of an expression in the big picture. 

I don't think anyone ever gets this right the first time around.
So don't consider yourself damaged, just get on with it.


----------



## GAR (Apr 1, 2011)

I think I understand you. 

I have a good male friend I was spending a lot of time with before I met her, and I have been spending less time with them since. Not so much because of spending time with her; rather our schedules have not lined up well recently. Plus the common interest we had kind of ended. 

I am also doing some volunteer work, which recently ended for a few weeks, that was helping me.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I have a strong tendency to push people away when they get too close. The only thing that has helped me is therapy, soul searching and just a strong committment to change. It was also beneficial to find the source of my fear so I could face it. I'm still fearful of people getting too close but it's much better than it used to be and at the very least I no longer push my own husband away.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

GAR, persistency is the key. To be intimate with people takes time. Also you need to be in a position where you can stand on your own two feet, people will avoid sharing with you if they sense that you are fragile (you're not, so don't worry about that, but don't second guess it either). 

Have you considered taking up an activity just for fun that involves people...like a book club or dancing classes or a foreign language class? Sorry to hear your volunteer work is on hiatus. I had a volunteer job at the library once...there is nothing so intimate as the trust that goes with knowing what someone is reading or watching or listening to. And also knowing when it is appropriate to listen to their comments about it, or to ask if they are enjoying the series, etc. IMO, library is more private setting than doctor's office or even therapist's office! I volunteer at a movie house that shows independent movies and when we discuss the movies it does get intimate but it is never creepy. Right now I have the decision to make of what movie posters to accept as a gift, not from the movie theater as I thought that was where they would come from, but was offered from a private collection from an employee who used to own a movie theater and started the one where I work. 
:-o I have to think about that. It was unexpected and it is a sincere gesture and not trivial and will be chosen based on what I say my preferences are. So you see what the level of intimacy is, and it is not sexual at all. It is a gesture of caring. These posters will go on the walls of my new apartment and also wherever I live for the rest of my life. So I need to be honest stating what I want. I did decide I want posters of movies that involve depictions of true love and friendship and courage. But as to the specifics that I will leave up to the giver as he knows movies much better than I do. He also took the time to investigate my reasons for returning to school, which were met with approval and I did not take it as criticism, but a questioning of my decision making process at a critical juncture of my life. I think he wanted to make sure I was going to school for myself, and my own process, rather than to prove anything to anyone. I got a thumbs up verbally and this was important to me as it was something I had questioned myself about as well, now and last time I committed to an academic program. Providing a second pass at that from an external perspective, giving me a chance to state it out loud as affirmation of something I am doing for me, was an opportunity that only someone who knows what I am about, and what my line of self-questioning would be, could do. That is the kind of intimacy I am talking about. Knowing what other people need at minute detailed levels and providing it without creeping the other person out. No sex involved. 

Some movies you could watch about this are Lars and the Real Girl, The Station Agent, The Visitor. These movies are about caring and intimacy, but not about sexual intimacy. 

If you are into it or feel the least bit inclined to manage physical aspects of personal relationships, you could try your hand at ballroom dancing or Argentine Tango. You will quickly feel more in control of your physical emotions and more aware of your intentions towards people and learn to modulate your communication whether verbal or physical. I am in an odd position of needing to move someone OUT of that environment in order to get to know them better, and it is out of desire to do so, which is kind of backwards from how a person gets to know someone. While I was focusing on being creeped out by physical touch and trying to weed that out I left the side door unlocked and someone has got under my skin unexpectedly. So very curious. There's a reggae song by Peter Tosh, "Don't Look Back"...a bit appropriate...anyway, there is courage involved. And it is not something that can be subcontracted. All the therapy in the world cannot do the things you have to do for yourself. When push comes to shove, you have to risk certain hurt at some point along the line in whatever form, to have intimacy. maybe it will be from the get go, as in getting an invite turned down, maybe it will happen a few years down the road when you find out all that courage was wasted on a person who himself (my case) or herself had none at all. If you are very lucky, it will be the pain of death (not your own) or the pain of worry when separated. Knowing each time you see the person might be the last. A lump in your throat that is always there, that you have to live with. 

Also if you get a chance you might want to see "Beginners". It does have sexual relationships in it, but it is about intimacy. I think you would like it. And the soundtrack is really good. (I came out of the movie and my coworkers asked me how I liked it, part of my reply was that I liked the soundtrack and they laughed as we had a lot of copies that came wtih the movie, that I hadn't know about, so I got one to have. I guess my magic wand I had stuck in my purse, works after all, in which case I am in big trouble. I didn't just wish for a soundtrack.)


----------



## GAR (Apr 1, 2011)

My therapist is the one who encouraged me to volunteer so I sought out my current volunteer work. It's very rewarding as I am working with folks who have disabilities. I never saw this as a form of intimacy, though I see your point now. 

Funny you mention Tango...the girl I am speaking of learned to Tango from her father, who passed away early in her life. She spoke fondly of it when she talked to me about it. She was VERY close to her father and he died when she was in her early 20s. When she mentioned learning to Tango with him my first inner thought was how cool would it be to take dance lessons with her or something along those lines. 

magnoliagal, I hear you and I do have a strong desire to change, which is why I came to this site for feedback. I do not want to keep doing this over and over...I have met someone I like and I would like to work thru this and see where it goes with her.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Oh gosh, yes. If she learned to tango from her father I think you are in safe hands regarding learning about intimacy and finding that balance. By all means take the lessons, learn to lead. It will be an adventure. More tango, less talk. That will slow things down for sure.

My new apartment has ALL WOOD FLOORS and they are polished. Dance practice heaven though my primary inclincation was the avoidance of dust mites.


----------



## GAR (Apr 1, 2011)

UPDATE: I have been doing some reading on codependency and I have it. I had a great session with my therapist yesterday. 

This is not a rebound, it's me having racing thoughts in my head as I exhibit codependency. The solution: learn to replace the thoughts with new, positive ones and/or simply self talk the thoughts away. Learn to flip the switch; it's going to take a LONG time. 

We went out again last night and it was wonderful. She was as beautiful to me as she was when I first met her. Lots of affection, talking, laughing..it was great. I had a couple of moments where my racing thoughts came into my head...and I pushed them out..and it worked!

My therapist states, and I agree, I need to continue spending time with this woman, work through my codependency and intimacy issues and not run away or push her away. It's not the wrong girl at the wrong time.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Awww, that's sweet to hear.
I agree with pushing those thoughts away and flipping the switch. I suppose if there are alcoholics who can learn to avoid alcohol and triggers, there are people prone to codependency who can learn to recognize triggers and head off disaster before it occurs. I think of it now in terms of my allergies. I avoid triggers but am prepared to deal with a reaction if and when it occurs (always a bottle of Beadryl in my purse, LOL) the other day I got a sandwich I wanted and decided to give it a go because I had a craving for it, turned out the slaw in it had green peppers within a few minutes of eating half the sandwich, my stomach was churning and I felt nauseous and horrible like appendicitis or childbirth. Bad, toxic sandwich. How dare it tempt me into trying it!!!! I faced reality, took a slug of Benadryl, then carefully wrapped up the sandwich and threw it away, thinking, how good you could have been - ahhh the romance of a corned beef and slaw sandwich on rye with tangy mustard - but you are toxic to me so into the trash with you. 

Avoidance and recognition and rapid treatment are all essential. But not knee-jerk avoidance, if I only ate safe foods I would never find out all the wonderful things I can eat that I've not had. 

Another analogy I was thinking of in predawn moments after getting woken up by our resident owl this morning, is the concept of companion planting and beneficial insects in a garden. There are always going to be weeds, and predators, and difficult growing conditions. Companion plantings and the introduction of beneficial insects tips the scale into produce that can be harvested. 

Anyway, I am going with the concept and going to have some courage and move in that direction myself. I'm not into crop dusting maneuvers, I'd rather weed and companion plant and enjoy the beneficial insects...


----------



## gsb (Aug 1, 2011)

*What does Intimacy really mean ?*

@Homemaker, Interesting discussion thread. After 17 years of marriage I'm finding that I've lost touch with what Intimacy means. Long story but my wife and I have been "disconnected" for quite some time. Years. There has been little physical intimacy and this has become a big problem for my wife and it's heavily my fault. I'm desperately trying to save my marriage and looking at many sources of information. I'm curious to know your thoughts (and any other readers') on the many aspects of intimacy. I feel as if I've forgotten how to be intimate in ways other than sex and I'm no longer certain I even know what intimacy is.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I once broke up with a guy because of his shoes.

Yea.

haha...

I have learned that when those uneasy feelings come up, I need to just sit through them and chill and just take it one day at a time. 

 You are ok.


----------



## GAR (Apr 1, 2011)

3 wonderful dates since this post...doing great! 

gsb, I feel your pain...it's how I felt in my marriage. I think you first need to ask yourself if you want to save your marriage. I thought I did though life has been wonderful since I finally allowed myself to accept the marriage was over and moved on with my life. I feel happier than I have in a very long time.


----------



## gsb (Aug 1, 2011)

GAR said:


> 3 wonderful dates since this post...doing great!
> 
> gsb, I feel your pain...it's how I felt in my marriage. I think you first need to ask yourself if you want to save your marriage. I thought I did though life has been wonderful since I finally allowed myself to accept the marriage was over and moved on with my life. I feel happier than I have in a very long time.


GAR, 
Glad things are going well. As for me... sigh 

Mine is a long and complicated story but I'll make it as short as possible. This is my 2nd marriage. First one lasted 10 years. She ended it. I've been in this marriage for 17 years and have 2 sons. I'm seeing a T individually and we're seeing a MC together. W feels that I've neglected and made her feel unwanted and unloved for the past 15 years because I haven't complimented her and I've had little interest in sex. She's right, I haven't complimented her much and we've had little sex for many years. 

We're very different people. I'm a type A at everything and she's very laid back. As a result, I tend to take charge of everything in our lives and she is happy to let me. Over time, I've become angry and resentful feeling like I carry all the responsibility for our lives and family. I'm exhausted and I need her participation and help in managing the responsibility and I don't have it. Never have. 

I'm very committed to our marriage and our family but I started to push her away because I was angry. We've never talked about this. In Feb of this year, she told me that we were done. She had started to draw up separation papers and was shopping for an Apt for me to move into. She also said she wanted to see a MC. I agreed but it took a few weeks to get calendars coordinated. During the past 3-4 months, she's started working out. Lost weight and has become very focused on how she looks. She's started drinking, heavily, and going out to party and dance with girlfriends. I also learned that she was going out drinking with an old high school friend (guy friend). They email and txt frequently. She calls him "my sweet" and "my love" in her msgs to him. Have further discovered that she registered on a dating site. Now believe that she has connected with and met in person, at least once, with another guy. I'm very suspicious and mistrustful and she's angry with me because I've violated her trust by reading her phone txt msgs. 

Whew, a lot to try to net out. I'm very committed to our marriage. I've made major changes in my attitude and am dealing with my anger. For a few weeks, it felt as though she was making an effort. We were away on a family trip for 3 weeks and just returned 2 weeks ago. When we returned, he attitude changed dramatically. She's been distant and told me directly that she's not interested in me. It happens that the Dating site guy made contact with her while we were away for three weeks and in the past 2 weeks she's stopped working with me on "us". 

Sigh... I want to make this work. We both have our issues and our challenges. I was a jerk for a big part of our marriage and she wants out. We never really discussed the issues in the past. Should have, but didn't. As I said, I'm very committed to this relationship. I want to work, together, with my wife to work through "our" issues. BUT, I want to feel like she also wants to make it work. She says she's not sure what she wants. She likes the changes I've made but she doesn't trust me. I understand her reluctance to trust me. I don't know if we can make all the changes needed to make the relationship work. But, I want to work at it, together. Right now, her heart isn't in it. She's thinking about other men. I guess I can't blame her. But... 

Bottom line, I want to fix our relationship and move forward, together. I want to grow old with my wife, holding hands. However, the situation is so complicated and so tangled that I don't know where to start to untangle and ravel back together a life and a relationship as a couple. 

While I'm at it, I should add that sex is a big issue. Her desire at this point in time is much higher than mine has ever been. (Wierd, I know) She's told me that once a day is a minimum requirement. Given my anger, frustration, depression and the pressure, I can't meet her expectations. ED has become an issue for me. I can fully satisfy her in other ways, but not through intercourse. 

Sorry, I don't think I was as brief as I had hoped to be but I'm desperate. Things feel hopeless and I don't know how to move forward together. I'm looking for a path that brings us together and keeps us together and I can't find that path. I'm very open to advice and suggestions. 

We're not openly angry towards one another. We speak, we touch, we cooperate to deal with our home, kids, school, etc. But, we can't seem to connect together. We can't seem to reestablish the intimacy we need to talk through all the hurt and anger and move past it. 

I believe that we can get through this. But, I need to feel like she wants to. As long as she's emotionally connected to some one (or more) other men, I can't get there. I can't make the relationship work alone. It takes both of us and she hasn't decided if she's in the game. 

Hoping I haven't exceeded my space quota...


----------

