# Does it end here?



## pops1981 (Dec 5, 2008)

Hi Everyone,

I have been reading with interest over the past few days, this forum and the experiences of the members, paying close attention to those of SKINMAN, my situation sounds exactly like his. 
I am very heartbroken and confused at the moment, it has been 2 weeks since my wife told me she no longer wanted to be in a relationship or try to make things better. I moved out at this point and am living with my mother and father and see my daughter regularly, i take her out sometimes and sometimes see her at my wifes (in laws) home, while she is there. which i dont mind.

A bit about us.
We have been married around 2 years and have a daughter of three, we were very much in love and i still am, i have loved and cherished my wife unconditionally for several years. When we did get married i did not do so for any other reason than love.
If you have read skinmans posts then the reasons for the breakdown, are exactly the same.
I know for sure there isnt anyone else involved, and she has promised me so and i do believe her, she wouldnt have the time anyway.
We did have issues in communicated, this was the main reason, we never communicated properly and let things just progress without us ever raising it with one another. A day prior to my wife announcing this, we were on holiday and happy as ever, we did things and said things that only people that love each other would do. I have asked and she has said that the things we did do while on holiday were a true reflection of her feelings, this is why i cant understand why it had to end.
I have tried to ask her to go shopping with me etc as a family but her answers have been the same all the time (that she dont think its a good idea).
I have suggested counselling on the day we broke up, and she refused.
I have asked again since but she has not replied. 
I do have at the back of my mind that, if she did want to get back together in the future then why would she put me through this?
One day when i was upset and we were talking, i asked if there was any hope for us, she said who knows what happens in the future.
I am in a situation at the moment, where i dont know what to do, should i leave her alone, and only talk when it concerns my daughter or try to win her love back. 
I'm sorry if the above isnt clear, if there are any points that dont make sense then let me know.
One thing i forgot to add, was she hasnt mentioned divorce, when i did mention that one of my relatives had mentioned it, she did seem a little taken back by it, as i dont hink she had thought of this.
Many thanks


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

She has not made a decision yet. That she “doesn’t know the future” and her reaction to the “D” word indicate this. Two weeks is early on, give her some space but show her you love her in your actions. (Respect her wishes at this point) Work and commit to the changes you feel you need to make. Whether or not your marriage works out, commit. Love your child and spend as much time with her as possible. Show your wife you will be fine it this doesn’t work out. Be strong and confident. Try reading Dobson’s Love Must be Tough for more on the concept of tough love. You are probably just at the start of your journey here. Take your time this won’t get fixed quickly. It can get better, hang in there.


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## pops1981 (Dec 5, 2008)

Hi 

And thanks for your reply.

I'm scared at the moment, part of me is optimistic, but then at the back of my mind i have to think about the way she is acting at the moment, and the way she talks to me. It hurts to feel treated in such a way by someone who you have loved. I dont know if all this is just a front to try and not be around me, as she wants to get me out of her head - her refusals to go anywhere with me or the way she "talks" when she does send me a text.
I suppose i need to realise that there is hapiness without her, and focus on making myself stronger for myself and my daughter. I just hope so much that it isnt over.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

pops1981 said:


> Hi
> 
> And thanks for your reply.
> 
> ...



She appears stronger than you in this because she is. She is emotionally more disconnected than you are. She has already accepted that it may be over, but there is still hope. Also, everything you see, hear and feel from her is magnified. Both ways, the positives and negatives. You are super sensitive to everything related to your marriage. Yes, work on your self and show as much confidence with her as you can. Sometimes when a spouse is pulling away, if the other does the same the first will draw nearer. Don’t dote on her but don’t go cold either. Give her some time to be ready to maybe spend more time together. The harder you push the further away she is likely to go.


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## ViaCi (Nov 12, 2008)

What were/are your communication issues? Have there been conflicts, especially escalating, about money or how you want to raise your daughter?
Also, how old are you and your wife?
It sounds like she's confused and scared, and is pulling away because she doesn't know how to handle what she's feeling. 
I am very adept at putting up a wall to protect myself; it sounds like she's doing the same thing. It's not ideal or constructive, but we are all human.
Do you, or does she even, know what the trigger was for this decision? You said you had a wonderful vacation together, but these things rarely come out of the blue. If you think back over the last several months, and are honest with yourself, were there signs of her unhappiness?
The best thing you can do is be patient with her, which is very hard, and let her feel safe in feeling what she's feeling. You may want to help her work through it, but she may not want your help because it will confuse her further. If you are patient, understanding, and do not pressure her, she will hopefully feel comfortable enough to talk to you about what's going on in her head and heart. If she does choose to talk to you, you may not like what she has to say. But do not get angry with her or tell her she's wrong or that wall will come right back up. 
I wish you the best of luck.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

pops1981,

I am so sorry to read that you are in similair situation as i find myself... I know the pain and suffering that you are going through. so many thoughts going through your head the loss of sleep and appetite... I have been there friend and i do know it will get easier.. The first two weeks for me were a mightmare... I couldn't go five minutes without thinking anout my family.. wondering if it was indeed over... The best advice I can give is give her the space... dont contact her and definetely dont beg and plead... i did that and my wife lost total respect for me... so i know that wont work... keep yourself busy let her miss you and wonder what your doing...

Sadly I tried all this with my wife but she was at the point that she was done and no matter what i did she was not letting me back into her heart... you have a long road ahead there friend i wont sugar coat it for you but i do know.... it does get better.. you dont see that now but i didnt either...

I wish you luck and best wishes... I hope that your marriage is able to survive this... mine wasnt and I dont want to see anyone go through the pain that i have.....

I sent you a pm... 

keep strong...
Skinman...


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

pops1981 said:


> Hi
> 
> And thanks for your reply.
> 
> ...



Oh do I know what you mean.. Since this has happened I have heard some of the most hatefull and downright mean things come out of my wifes mouth.... you have to realize that she is hurt to and is saying this in her defense to justify what she is doing...... talk what she say with a grain of salt... dont react to the words and act like they dont bother you... something else I didnt do but knowing now I should have just let her vent....

Good luck to you... It will get easier focus on yourself make sure you get plenty of rest and get some exercise... it will help.

Skin


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## pops1981 (Dec 5, 2008)

ViaCi said:


> What were/are your communication issues? Have there been conflicts, especially escalating, about money or how you want to raise your daughter?
> Also, how old are you and your wife?
> It sounds like she's confused and scared, and is pulling away because she doesn't know how to handle what she's feeling.
> I am very adept at putting up a wall to protect myself; it sounds like she's doing the same thing. It's not ideal or constructive, but we are all human.
> ...


Hi 

I am 27 she is 25. We have been together for around 5 years.
We did have a wonderful vacation together, she also said this. I suppose what happened is that while on holiday she was living in a fantasy land trying to cloud over our underlying issues, she did tell me she loved me while on holiday, i hve subsequently asked if it was true and she said it was.
I know she has been nhappy for some time, but it seems that in our time spent together, our bad times were the exception.
Our communication issues, stemmed from the fact that if one of us was upset or unhappy about something, we would never talk about things, we would just let things progress to the next day and carry on like normal, letting things just fade away. We've never had a big argument, (and i suppose this was a bad thing as we never bought anything to light).
This was our main issue, there were other things like us living with her parents and not having our own space, there was also our sex life. i had high drive and she didnt.
our problems were both our faults, some hers and some mine, i had some issues with being too over protective and possesive which made her feel she couldnt enjoy herself when she wasnt with me.
I'm trying very hard to be patient with her and not let her know how i feel, we have to see each other due to our daughter. Ive felt up until now she's not fully opened up to me, it feels like she hates me as she doesnt want to go anywhere with me, and shes started using my name when she communicates with me.
I hope so much that this is a wall shes putting up, to hide her real feelings.
On the day she told me she wanted to split up, i did have a period to think about things prior to this, and had all things ready in my head, what the problems were and how we should boh fix them. After discussing all this, i asked what more can i say or do, she just replied nothing, i dont feel it in my heart anymore. i suppose her greatest fear was that things would just remain the same and never change. how can i prove to her that i already have.

Thanks


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## pops1981 (Dec 5, 2008)

Hi

Im upset today, its christingle at church, i dont know what it may be otherwise known as, my wife told me shes going but it hurt that she didnt ask me. As it is something for the kids. 
Im trying to remain positive but every small thing hurts so much,
I realised last night where i had gone wrong, over the years there have been times when i have know shes unhappy, although sshe hasnt talked to me about it, i had let it go and not address the issue.
i wish i could let her know how happy i can make her, and that i have changed.but she seems to be putting up a wall, either that or she absolutely does not want to be with me.
Help


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Hang tough

The little things do hurt, as I said, everything is magnified at this point. Continue to show her love and support when you can. Your words and promises don’t carry much weight at this time. Be consistent and work on your changes and things do have a chance to recover. I know how you feel but there is not much you can do at this point. She is not ready to listen.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

pops1981 said:


> Hi
> 
> Im upset today, its christingle at church, i dont know what it may be otherwise known as, my wife told me shes going but it hurt that she didnt ask me. As it is something for the kids.
> Im trying to remain positive but every small thing hurts so much,
> ...


Pops1981,

try and relax... dont let her see that this is bothering you at all.. try and be strong and worry about yourself.. there is nothing you can do to make her change her mind if she doesn't want to... let her see you strong and in control and make her wonder........

if nothing else you are still young... love will find you again maybe not with her but someone who will love you as you love them...

Best wishes.... I am pulling for you !


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## pops1981 (Dec 5, 2008)

Hi 

Many thanks for your kind words and support.
I really miss her. 
I'm trying to show her that im strong and am moving on. I have to see her as on a wednesday i go up and spend time with my daughter. Do need to refrain from saying to her or showing that i miss her, or if i did would this be detrimental in any way.
Also with christmas coming i'm confused as to what i should write in the card, should i put my true feeling (ie a simple i love you and miss you) or just a hope you have a great day etc.
I'm going to give her a small present, as part of her family we did a secret santa and i got my wife.
I have also tried making an appointment with a counsellor, but i have been placed on the waiting list, so i dont expect to see one soon.
Thanks


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

A simple I love you on the card would be fine I think. While you need to be strong and confident she needs to know your feelings. Be careful of how you manage this. Your are not “moving on” just showing her you can if you need to. Continue to show your support for her and your love, just don’t dote on it. Hang in there.


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## pops1981 (Dec 5, 2008)

Hi

I am moving on, (or trying very hard to), i suppose the next step is trying to realise that i can be happy without her, which i going to be difficult for me. 
I'm just confused as to where to draw the line, i need to show her im strong but also let her know that i'm not completely over her.
How do i achieve this?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

That is a hard line to walk but again if you want your marriage to recover you need to be ready to move on if needed but not do it at this point. If you “move on” emotionally your marriage will not recover because your head is no longer in the game. Try reading Dobson’s “Love Must be Tough” for some perspective in staying focused in regaining your spouse while being strong and ready to move on if needed. It would be a good read for your situation.


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## pops1981 (Dec 5, 2008)

Thanks Amplexor,

I've just ordered the book.

Many thanks again.


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## pops1981 (Dec 5, 2008)

Hi

I speak to my wife everyday, the reason for this is that we agreed i'd call before my daughters bed time and speak to her. Last night, and the night before, My wife wanted to talk to me, whereas previously she had just put my daughter on the phone and said bye once she had finished. Last night i got the feeling she wanted to engage in conversation, it was actually me that ended the call, whereas normally she'd do that. The conversation wasnt about "us" it was just about normal stuff, ie what she/i was doing. Did i do the right thing?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Yes you did. Don’t close her out but be strong and confident. If she just wants to talk that’s great and until she wants to talk about the relationship keep it simple. Be sure to discuss how her day is going and listen to her. Take your time. The door is ajar just a tad, don’t bull rush it. Be strong and patient.


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## pops1981 (Dec 5, 2008)

Hi
Thought i'd give an update on what has happened. 
Basically, we ended things properly yesterday. I asked her to take my ring off for me, afterall she did put it on, I am now wearing it round my neck.
We did discuss things, and the reason she decided to end things was, she had an underlying feeling of unhappiness for sometime, all this came to a head on the last day of our vacation when i asked her why she didnt want to tattoo my name on her anywhere (i have a large one of hers)
She said her feelings changed, and she didnt want to be with me anymore. She did love me over the relaionship, and apparently she still does.
The reason i decided to give up, was i thought about what she had done over the last few days (i found out she had started to see someone, who was a shoulder to cry on) i wondered if she really did care or love me, then why would she do this.
Up until saturday night, i was all for fighting on and never giving up.

I have done a few things over the last few days, i dont know if it was the right thing to do or not:
On friday i sent her flowers to work, the flowers she had on her bouquet on our wedding day, she says she left them at work, i dont know if she threw them away or not.
We agreed to meet yesterday to talk about things. What i did was i hired the room that we got married in, with a single table in the middle etc. Let me tell you she wasnt impressed. I poured my heart out to her and she didnt show any emotion whatsoever.
So i've decided to move on, i admit that up until yesterday i wasnt. I still love her and miss her to bits, and if she wanted me back at the click of a finger i'd probably go back. 
I do have to see her regularly because of my daughter and due to our circumstances, this would mean that i would have to be in the same room as my wife for around 3.5 hours a week. We decided that we wouldnt communicate apart from if its anything to do with my daughter.
I am genuinely moving on, i had a proper nights sleep last night which i havnt done in ages.
I dont know if it is salvageable, but i would like to make sure that anything i do, doesnt jeapordise our relationship. I do believe she is extremely confused at the moment. i have just received my copy of love is tough by dobson, and will start reading this tonight.
I just wanted to know if anyone has been through a situation like this, and if you have any advice you can give.
Help!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Sorry the flowers and room rental were too much. She is emotionally disconnected from you. Also sending flowers to the office can make her feel like you are trying to state your case in front of her co-workers. Read the book it will help. If she is to return this will take time. Give her space for now and don’t dote on her. You’ve seen the lack of results there. Good luck.


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## pops1981 (Dec 5, 2008)

Hi

I have read almost half of the book in one night, i'm getting the general feel of things. What i wanted to know was, should i give her a present for christmas, we did this thing called secret santa, and i got my wife for it. She has asked me not to get her anything. I was gonna get her something like a book shop voucher as she likes reading, do you think it would be a good idea?
Thanks


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Honor her wishes and don't get her anything. If one of your core issues is that she feels you don’t listen to her or respect her wishes a gift will reinforce that. Don’t dote on her. Maybe a card with some carefully chosen words. No more


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Who did she get for secret santa? You? If not, then it's someone else. And that means someone else, in turn, got you. 

Therefore, get her the gift card. 

If she got you...did you tell her not to get you anything? 

What is the venue of theis secret santa? At the office? At the family home? Getting each other nothing could be embarrassing.


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## pops1981 (Dec 5, 2008)

She didnt get me for secret santa, so someone else has. i dont know if they will continue and get me a present. it is at the family home so there were only 5 of us.
i dont know whether to actually give it her, i care for her a lot but she seems to be going out of her way to be nasty to me, she just went and announced on facebook, she is in a relationship with someone else, although it doesnt bother me, i feel she is doing this deliberately to get at me.
I am starting to see someone else and i feel she did this in reaction to her knowing that i am talking to another female. is this reaction normal?


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