# Wife was keeping friendship a secret, possible EA



## astooge (Jan 31, 2012)

Hi, the past week or so has been a roller coaster of emotions. We have been married for almost 15 years and have 3 children and have/had a pretty healthy relationship. There are the usual ups and downs but overall good stable emotionally and physically.

Going back to my first year of marriage I had caught my wife, who wasn't working at the time and going to school, flirting with an ex-coworker via email/chat. This had been going on for a few months before I was able to find evidence and confront her, which she was visibly upset and apologetic. She didn't have any real excuse and although I was pissed for a few days we did reconcile. 

Now back to present time. Since 2007 my wife has not worked and was a full-time sahm, due to being pregnant with our third child. She did resent the fact at the time of quitting her good paying job, but we couldn't see any other way to afford childcare. 

This past December she had gotten a job working 5 nights a week, which really put a strain on our relationship. I did encourage her to apply for the job because it she would be doing something she is passionate about. And originally the job would have been part-time 3-4 days a week during the early afternoon. But this changed to 5 nights the second week and thereafter. 

Although I was a but stressed out due my full time job and other responsibilities, it was working..barely. Once January 2012 started things started getting a little strange. Normally she would wear the slightest make-up before going to work, but I noticed several times she really applied the makeup, almost when we have the rare date night. 

I then happened to see some emails from a male coworker about setting up a possible lunch meeting for collaboration which is fine, but she did not say one word to me about this. Also, I then checked our phone records and in the span of two weeks, she had 200 txt messages to a strange phone number.

I also noticed in web browsing history around the same time she was searching his name on the internet, to get home address and phone number.

I then did some searching and found that it was the male coworkers', and the text messages were in the evenings, late & early, and on weekends. Before I confronted her this I was able to check her phone messages and only found a few days worth of messaging, but it was very friendly and the male was using a lot of playful wording, sexual in nature. My wife's responses, that were still on the phone, did not reply in same manner but there there was still a very friendly banter.

I was never able to get any exact information on what was said and what in manner, which is strange because she can remember one thing I said a year ago crystal clear. 

At this point I was wonder WTF, now what?? Well I confronted her in not the calmest manner and asked who's phone number this was etc. She replied that it was a coworkers and I asked to see her phone, which she agreed. I copied the text messages and over the next few days we had a falling out, and I was trying to get answers.

Basically these were the issues that she stated:
1) The coworker was not a friend...umm ok
2) He did make some advances/flirtations towards her and she eventually just told him to stop (she never told me)
3) Although he did make some sexual banter she was a big girl and could handle it,, and she never replied in kind
4) She did enjoy getting the attention and it made her feel good
5) She wants to have friends

I had texted the coworker and asked him to stop texting my wife, and now I believe all contact is either in email or face to face.

After several days of conversations and anger/resent, she kept saying she loves me and the family and would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage. I do believe her but I am thinking that she was enjoying the flirtations and did realize that this was turning bad and decided to stop, thank god! But I still have this nagging feeling that she and him are still friends, which normally I would not care but given the circumstance, I do.

Any thoughts?
.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You confronted her too early. When there is not definitive evidence it's easy to deny and make up stories.

Put a key stroke monitor on the computer. Don't tell her you are doing it. Get enough info that you are sure there is something going on.


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## astooge (Jan 31, 2012)

Yea, after reading other stories I felt that way too, but my brother recently went through an EA and his advice was to stop it early. The earlier the better. I am definitely thinking about monitoring her computer activity.


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## workitout (Jan 24, 2012)

Somewhat similar to my situation. The more I found out, the more she admitted.

Now I know it was a full on EA. Just collapsed it tonight. We'll see where it goes from here.

Obviously, you don't trust her. You and she will have to come up with a solution to that.


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## astooge (Jan 31, 2012)

Yes, trust right now is not the best, before this happened there was all the trust in the world. Now that the situation has calmed down a bit, what is a recommended strategy to broach the lack of trust?

Also, I don't think she trusts me 100% either, which is obvious.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She especially, and you, possibly may not wanna hear/do this---BUT----if he is a co-worker---her job is over----she leaves---no if's, and's, or but's---and she can complain, moan, groan all she wants---that job just ended---and you must be firm about it.

She cannot have any contact---her answers that you posted may be legit., and they may be a well planned smoke screen

As to her having friends---that's fine---no single men---her friends---need to be friends of the mge.---be firm on this point

If she doesn't like these boundaries, then ask her and don't coddle her as you ask--be firm---ask her if she would rather be a divorced, single mother---cuz you will NEVER tolerate her messing around with other men, in any way shape or form, and YOU MUST BE FIRM ABOUT THIS

You need to set her straight----do not take any crap about you being controlling, not letting her have friends---or about her privacy, and right to do her own thing---IF SHE WANTED THOSE KINDS OF THINGS, SHE SHOULD HAVE STAYED SINGLE, AND NOT HAD ANY CHILDREN

She has responsibilities, and those responsibiliteis, are those of a married wife and mother---and they do not include other men.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

What job is she so passionate about that requires her to first start 3 nights a week and then 5 nights a week, that also requires her to meet a coworker alone for a work lunch? 

The biggest ingredient of an affair is the secrecy. Its wrong the mojment she has to hide communications and meetings with a male coworker from you. If it was so innocent, she wouldnt go thru the trouble of hiding anything about him from you. There's no room in a marriage for secrecy. She knows its inapproriate if she wouldn't feel comfortable with you sitting right beside her.

It would be far easier for her to change jobs. But at the very minimum you need to have a serious discussion with her about BOUNDARIES, about what is appropriate and what isn't. Obviously, flirting and sexual text is not ok.

Because of what she did you are going to have to monitor her for a bit to ensure this doesnt become yet another workplace affair. This isnt controlling. This is protecting your family and maariage. You will need to install a keylogger on the computer and a VAR under the seat of her car.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## astooge (Jan 31, 2012)

I appreciate the different viewpoints and ideas, I will be keeping a level head and monitor activity. Hoping for the best! Will provide updates.

Thanks.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

astooge said:


> Yea, after reading other stories I felt that way too, but my brother recently went through an EA and his advice was to stop it early.


Your brothers advice was spot on but you didn`t have enough evidence to actually stop it yet.
She`s just taken it more underground.



> The earlier the better. I am definitely thinking about monitoring her computer activity.


Don`t think about it do it.
Get a key logger on her PC and a VAR in her car ASAP

This isn`t over.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She may have taken it underground or she may stop 
communicating altogether with him now. Trust but verify.

If he's married/partnered, tell his wife/girlfriend.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you have been? She had an EA in your first year of marriage and continues to do so today. What is wrong with this picture? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

She continues to disrespect you and your relationship. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Its wrong the mojment she has to hide communications and meetings with a male coworker from you.


:iagree:

She is downplaying it now, but it is inappropriate and she knows it. Otherwise she would have had no reason to hide it.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I am of the opinion you stop an EA quickly and not wait around gathering more evidence. Why let your spouse get in deeper with someone? To me, that is assinine. I think you did the right thing.

I am also of the opinion she should quit the job right away. She's been there all of what, 2 months? Not exactly a huge commitment and she's shown she can't properly set boundaries with this guy. If she really wants to work on your marriage, then I suggest you ask her to find another job, because as long as she sees this guy every day, it's going to be really hard for her to stop, and really easy for them to take it underground.

People with very high paying jobs they've been in for years are forced to quit for this reason. A job that just started should be easy to let go of.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

*her to first start 3 nights a week and then 5 nights a week, that also requires her to meet a coworker alone for a work lunch? *

Working night´s?? And meeting him for lunches.

Personally i would say that this goes far beyond 
just liking attention..I like to get attention to.
So i understand that part.But work nights.

And go to bed efter working a night shift.
And sleep only a few hours.to meet up for lunches
to get some more attention..No, not really.

Me getting flattering attention when i was single
or under the time i was married. Was appreciated
and felt nice.yes it was..But i didn't say i was desperate
for it, even as single..So unless she is desperate for it.

why the need for, SMS,Lunch,Meeting/s??
Wasen´t it just enough getting it at work??

After all it was harmless. And it didn't mean anything

Right?? What´s your wife´s take on that??

And seriously!! Her reason for not trust you would be???


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Jonesey said:


> *her to first start 3 nights a week and then 5 nights a week, that also requires her to meet a coworker alone for a work lunch? *
> 
> Working night´s?? And meeting him for lunches.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I'm currently working the night shift and just got off of work this morning. I sure ain't going to go meet someone for lunch unless it was damn important.


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## astooge (Jan 31, 2012)

What makes this even more weird is that when I had some info on the coworker I asked her if she knew anything and if I was way off base thinking that he would continue to pursue. So I did my own research and found that this guy has some serious relationship/sex additions even though he is married with children. 

Just to add a bit more information, her coworker does not work every night, maybe 1-2 times a week, and when that is I do not know. Also when I first confronted her re: the texting/email/lunch she said she was going to quit. 

Of course, paranoid but nice guy that I am said she shouldn't quit because she will regret me for it. 

Also she has just changed this week from 5 nights down to 3 nights a week.

Ugh.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

jnj express said:


> She especially, and you, possibly may not wanna hear/do this---BUT----if he is a co-worker---her job is over----she leaves---no if's, and's, or but's---and she can complain, moan, groan all she wants---that job just ended---and you must be firm about it.
> 
> She cannot have any contact---her answers that you posted may be legit., and they may be a well planned smoke screen
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Her working nights is not putting the marriage first. Sometimes for financial reason we do what we have to do. But all else equal her working nights is not a good thing for your marriage. Working different shifts is a killer.

Now add to the fact that you know this male co-worker is making moves on her. She says he does send he sexual content but she does not reply. Her replying in a positvie way is escalting the bahvior but her ignoring it is still accpetance and approval of it. 

She has secrets from you with this OM. Bad.

Setting upo little lunch dates and get togethers is not a good idea at all. He is trying to date her.

Her having female friends is awesome as long as they are marriage friendly and not toxic. Her having male friends is fine, but close makle friends are asking for trouble. I have female friends. I don't hang out with them one on one. 

She is having at least an EA and he is trying to nail her.

You guys should do His Needs Her Needs together. Do the boundary setting because these are boundary issues. The working separate shifts is bad enough. Her working nights is a real red flag for your marriage.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

At the very least, your wife is on a very slippery slope right now.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

astooge said:


> I appreciate the different viewpoints and ideas, I will be keeping a level head and monitor activity. Hoping for the best! Will provide updates.
> 
> Thanks.


EAs are almost always much further along that the BS realizes. Early discovery and *action* is key.

I understand the gathering of information and so on. That said, you guys really messed up with this job selection. I suggest you focus on this aspect while monitoring. She really needs to find a job during the daytime. Soon.


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## astooge (Jan 31, 2012)

Over the course of several days she was very upset/angry at me when I was questioning. Also, I forgot to add this in original post, she is the one who initiated the lunch meeting.

Since installing a keylogger I do know that as of this morning she has changed her email password.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

astooge said:


> What makes this even more weird is that when I had some info on the coworker I asked her if she knew anything and if I was way off base thinking that he would continue to pursue. So I did my own research and found that this guy has some serious relationship/sex additions even though he is married with children.
> 
> Just to add a bit more information, her coworker does not work every night, maybe 1-2 times a week, and when that is I do not know. Also when I first confronted her re: the texting/email/lunch she said she was going to quit.
> 
> ...


I am guessing you really don't know when your wife is working at night and when she may just be out of the house. This guy only works two nights a week!?

How were you able to gather this information on this guy? How would you know about his sexual additctions? Really?


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## astooge (Jan 31, 2012)

The guy is stupid enough to use his personal email for contacts on certain websites and based on his job/travel I was able to piece things together.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Don't tell her about the keylogger. Is she trying to hide more stuff?


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## astooge (Jan 31, 2012)

So far no apparent hiding of anything, I hope that we can get past this soon, this sucks.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

When it comes to marital infidelity and protecting your family... The issue is not whether you are paranoid, the issue is whether you are paranoid enough.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

complete transparency is a must

changing passwords is a very bad sign


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

People change their minds. Tell her to dump the job.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

chapparal said:


> People change their minds. Tell her to dump the job.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I was thinking the same thing. This has turned out to be a bad thing. We get to adjust the decisions we make. Cut our losses. Soemtimes things do not work out or have unforeseen consequences. Time to back out of that job.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

astooge said:


> So far no apparent hiding of anything, I hope that we can get past this soon, this sucks.


She just changed her email and passwords.
She's hiding something
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## astooge (Jan 31, 2012)

Well I had another talk with her last night regarding boundaries ans transparency, she agreed and told me a little more about her coworker, which before she said she knew nothing. 

Using the keylogger I was able to check her emails they are still emailing back and forth and she is immediately deleting the messages. The emails prove that they are very friendly and get along very well, and I don't like the fact that she is telling him stuff about our marriage. She even suggested that she should stop deleting the emails for 100% transparency, let me post this text "

"i am in the habit of deleting email threads. I deleted the last one. now I am thinking I should share most of it with the powers that be. I need 100% transparency otherwise I'll never get to goof around (not in a bad way) with you.

so, if you could or would reply to the last message, delete in the thread what you think wouldnt be taken the right way and I'll do the same? would you be OK with that? then I will share it. I don't know why I feel the need to delete right away.

i get if you're not ok with that. i'm the dope who deletes. ha"

I feel like I need her to end this job, I still feel ill because I love her and this paranoia/jealousy is killing me.


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

I would tell her straight up her job is done, She either quits today and ends all contact with him or your marriage is done and she is out on her ass. Stop letting her walk all over you, Be a man dude (no offense, someone has to get you hyped up).

She is an older woman with a husband and children. Its stupid that she is even acting like this because she knows it could cause her to lose her family and the life she has worked for all these years. So lay down the law - Quit your job and NC with the guy or its over. I would love to know how she reacts to that.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

i am in the habit of deleting email threads. I deleted the last one. now *I am thinking I should share most of it with the powers that be. I need 100% transparency otherwise I'll never get to goof around (not in a bad way) with you.*

The need to point out:Not in a bad way. Would be because??
Platonic friend´s to need to be told that.Right?

so, if you could or would reply to the last message, *delete in the thread what you think wouldnt be taken the right way* 
Again why the need to delite ? platonic friend´s dont
have conversation´s the need to hide.Right? 

*and I'll do the same?*Again why? *would you be OK with that?*Why not? what´s the problem? *then I will share it*.Give her credit,after all she is honost,Right? *I don't know why I feel the need to delete right away.*
Even a online stranger from,the other side of the pond
is wondering the same.And i dont even know you.
Strange dont you think?

*i get if you're not ok with that*.Wil she ever give her husband the same consideration?? i'm the dope who deletes. ha"

*I feel like I need her to end this job*, 

Why on earth would give you that impression??


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

She wants to "delete the stuff that could be taken in a bad way." I mean, c'mon.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Great job with the keylogger. If I am reading her right she's telling him they need to censor their texts after they read them to make it look like the texts are innocent. Give her enogh rope and see what happens. Act like you are completely fooled for awhile.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you told your wife he is a sex addict? Have you found his wife's info, you are going to have to out him soon if not now?


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## astooge (Jan 31, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Have you told your wife he is a sex addict? Have you found his wife's info, you are going to have to out him soon if not now?


Yes, I have brought this up several times and she says she does not want to know. I am going to monitor but keep her unaware for the rest of the week.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

astooge said:


> Yes, I have brought this up several times and she says she does not want to know. I am going to monitor but keep her unaware for the rest of the week.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Get all the info you can on him and email it to him and your wife. Ask him if he would like everyone to know what you know?
Ask your wife what her family and friends would think about him if they saw your info.


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

astooge said:


> Over the course of several days she was very upset/angry at me when I was questioning. Also, I forgot to add this in original post, she is the one who initiated the lunch meeting.
> 
> Since installing a keylogger I do know that as of this morning she has changed her email password.


She's likely taking the EA/PA into underground mode!

Also, they may have already had SEX!


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## astooge (Jan 31, 2012)

Well tonight she told me that she was quitting, putting in her two week notice. The catalyst to this was that I used her phone to dial his cell early this morning, a **** move but I don't give a rats ass at this point. 

After reading their back and forth emails during the day I found out that his wife was mad at him and he had to sleep on the couch. Right on! Also in another email he mentioned that he loved my wife more and more after each email and spousal argument, AND he was pissed at me because all he was doing was trying to be friends. Uhh yeah, right.

I told her NC with him after the two weeks and told her I resent being taken a fool. If there is any other debate on this I have plenty of "stuff" to contact his wife about. 

Btw, I am still keeping the keylogger running until some time passes for my sanity.

Let the healing begin and thank you to all.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

astooge said:


> I told her NC with him after the two weeks and told her I resent being taken a fool. If there is any other debate on this I have plenty of "stuff" to contact his wife about.


Why not just expose him completely?

I may have missed it but I see no reason you should pull any punches with him.

:scratchhead:


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You are doing fine---but if you wanna R, this mge., then you need to keep the pressure on her, especially since she/he might go underground---for if they REALLY wanna cheat they will find a way

Their conversations are inappropriate, for marrieds to be having---she needs to know that, and she needs to know that sooner rather than later.

Actually you need to set in a boundary, where she does not get to have any contact with other men whatsoever, unless they are known by you to be friends of your mge., if she doesn't like that, tell her toooo bad---if she wants contact with other men---then she can have it as a D. woman.

Look at it this way---take your best friend---how much time do you spend talking to him during the week----I am willing to bet not much---you talk about how things are going, what activities might be upcoming, the general news, and you are done---that is one phone call/text message---and that is all, and if the person you are talking to happens to be female---there are never terms of endearment ending the conversation.

You need to get in your wife's face, and do not back down---she MUST know she is being inappropriate for a married wife and mother, and it needs to stop

Her conniving, and deceit, are proof, that she is "dissing" you , and if she thinks so little of you---then maybe you might just suggest to her---she can finish her time on this planet, as a D. woman-------it is time to be Harsh---and to let her know you are not about to stand for any more BS, from her.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think he is being duped big time.

Something does not fit


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

astooge said:


> Well tonight she told me that she was quitting, putting in her two week notice. The catalyst to this was that I used her phone to dial his cell early this morning, a **** move but I don't give a rats ass at this point.
> 
> After reading their back and forth emails during the day I found out that his wife was mad at him and he had to sleep on the couch. Right on! Also in another email he mentioned that he loved my wife more and more after each email and spousal argument, AND he was pissed at me because all he was doing was trying to be friends. Uhh yeah, right.
> 
> ...


Rather than hold on to the "stuff" you have collected, why not inform the OM's wife (don't think about it, JUST DO IT ALREADY!) and share what info you have with the OM's wife!?

Affairs thrive in secrecy, exposure almost always kills it! Even if it doesn't kill it, well, go scorched earth on them, I mean _Expose, expose, expose to anyone and everyone! Family(both sides), friends, neighbors, shoot, put it up in neon flashing lights if you got to_! Expose and embarrass the piss out of them!


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## astooge (Jan 31, 2012)

I had another heart to heart with wife today after telling her yesterday that she cease all contact with the OM, otherwise we are over. 

Now, a little more truth is coming out, I guess the whole theory of trickle truth is true. 

She finally admitted that she was emotionally invested with her coworkers, and she didn't realize that until today. She had put her two week notice to quit her job last night and today she was feeling very sad about it. 

My gut reaction was right and I still think that she had feelings for the male coworker, and she now agrees it was inappropriate and boundaries were crossed, and it was all her blame.

She has agreed to MC and I think a bit more will come out and I am still hesitant to believe her explanation as emotional investment, rather than affair, but it is a starting point and will lead us to recovery.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

astooge, she wifes pulling the wool over your eyes, her next tt is you're going to find out they had some form of sex.


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## astooge (Jan 31, 2012)

Just an update. We started MC last weekend and in the first session the Emotional Infidelity/Affair concept was validated due to what was being discussed. Our second MC is for this weekend and now that my wife has finally quit her job and has promised NC, I feel that my healing can truly begin.

I just want to post a few things that have been brought to light in my situation. In the beginning she did initially deny a friendship, and eventually she said that the male coworker was like a big brother, that they just clicked (a big brother who was flirting like hell with her). 

I still feel like there are still some details left out and may never get them, as I have suspicions that she was attracted to the OM and is ashamed and is why she did not want to tell me (which she did say she was trying to make it right and eventually tell me?..I dont buy that). 

Anyway, she is owning it and at this point is doing everything right for R.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

astooge said:


> I still feel like there are still some details left out and may never get them, as I have suspicions that she was attracted to the OM and is ashamed and is why she did not want to tell me (which she did say she was trying to make it right and eventually tell me?..I dont buy that).
> 
> Anyway, she is owning it and at this point is doing everything right for R.


Except she's still lying to you and you know it. She's moving in the right direction but as long as she keeps on lying, you won't get past it.

GL to you and your wife, and luckily you caught it in the early stages.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> I still feel like there are still some details left out and may never get them, as I have suspicions that she was attracted to the OM and is ashamed and is why she did not want to tell me (which she did say she was trying to make it right and eventually tell me?..I dont buy that).


Being attracted to someone else not a problem. Acting on that attraction is. You need to assure your wife that you understand she is going to be tempted from time to time by other the opposite sex. That is normal and happens to all of us. 

What you and her need to zero down on is that she needs to establish personal boundaries of what she accepts from another man and what she will give in return. EA's don't happen overnight. It sounds to me like this guy has been slowly and insidiously seducing your wife. He tells her what she wants to hear and she responds. 

Women are wired to respond. She needs to learn how to recognise when a man is coming onto her and playing her, and then take steps to establish her perimeter. Some women never learn that, and that is why we see so many posts on this board from jilted husbands who say "I would have never believed my shy, upstanding, meek little churchgoing wife could be capable of f*cking another man!!!"


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## astooge (Jan 31, 2012)

Good advice regarding her learning to recognize someone who is making advances. She has lost a lot of weight from when we first got married and said that it took her a while to recognize his intentions. But she still maintains there was never any attraction.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

astooge said:


> Good advice regarding her learning to recognize someone who is making advances. She has lost a lot of weight from when we first got married and said that it took her a while to recognize his intentions. But she still maintains there was never any attraction.


Then why did she initiate the lunch with the OM? A woman who has no attraction to a guy will almost never do that, unless she loved the high from getting compliments and being chased by the OM?


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## astooge (Jan 31, 2012)

Yup, I know. It was explained away that is was to talk about work related topics since she did not get much of a chance to learn from him because he was not there much. I know, sounds like BS.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

astooge said:


> Good advice regarding her learning to recognize someone who is making advances. She has lost a lot of weight from when we first got married and said that it took her a while to recognize his intentions. But she still maintains there was never any attraction.


When people lose weight it affects homones and brain chemicals. Your wife was feeling good about herself and maybe lowered her boundaries a bit. The OM saw that and took advantage of her. 

Keep working the MC and work on yourself to be the best alpha male you can be. Stay vigilant and verify everything she tells you. You guys are not out of the woods, not by a longshot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

astooge said:


> Yup, I know. It was explained away that is was to talk about work related topics since she did not get much of a chance to learn from him because he was not there much. I know, sounds like BS.


You both are headed in the right direction for a R, but she has to come clean or else it'll eat you up. And in the end, that will doom the marriage because you'll never know if she's telling the truth or lying when any word comes out of her mouth.

You'll trust her, but you'll always have that nagging little voice in the back of your head whispering away whenever you might have a doubt.

If you need the truth, she gives you the truth. If you can live with what you already know then it's gonna be up to you to store it away and make sure it doesn't come back and bite you in the behind.


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## astooge (Jan 31, 2012)

That is what I am realizing, after the first MC and speaking with my brother who was involved in an EA. Basically it comes down to how much do I need/want to know, because sometimes you may never really find out, and its not healthy. Learn to let go, and trust/verify from here on out.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Basically it comes down to how much do I need/want to know, because sometimes you may never really find out, and its not healthy. Learn to let go, and trust/verify from here on out.


I dunno. I think your wife needs to come clean on everything and quit minimizing her intentions. Read *Stuggling4ever's * thread. He and his wife rugswept and went forward like nothing had happened. His anger and feelings were never dealt with and it became an 11 year puss-filled infection in their marriage that finally burst last month. Now he and his wife are back to square one and he's considering divorcing her.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> *Being attracted to someone else not a problem. Acting on that attraction is.*


Not agreeable. It is here the affair starts. The boundaries start at emotional / mental level.




bandit.45 said:


> You need to assure your wife that you understand she is going to be tempted from time to time by other the opposite sex. That is normal and happens to all of us.


She should understand that it is easy to get tempted; but takes lot of restraint to stay aright.



bandit.45 said:


> What you and her need to zero down on is that she needs to establish personal boundaries of what she accepts from another man and what she will give in return. EA's don't happen overnight. It sounds to me like this guy has been slowly and insidiously seducing your wife. He tells her what she wants to hear and she responds.


Agreed affairs do not happen over night. Women take a longer time to get into affairs. Attention, attraction, opportunity and comfort, trust with the AP - are the key ingredients. If someone lures your partner into an affair, it is expected that our partners act with restraint. Otherwise, where is the marriage?




bandit.45 said:


> Women are wired to respond. She needs to learn how to recognise when a man is coming onto her and playing her, and then take steps to establish her perimeter. Some women never learn that, and that is why we see so many posts on this board from jilted husbands who say "I would have never believed my shy, upstanding, meek little churchgoing wife could be capable of f*cking another man!!!"


She is old enough. She need not learn this now. My view is that in this case, OP is doing some rug sweeping.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

astooge said:


> Just an update. We started MC last weekend and in the first session the Emotional Infidelity/Affair concept was validated due to what was being discussed. Our second MC is for this weekend and now that my wife has finally quit her job and has promised NC, I feel that my healing can truly begin.
> 
> I just want to post a few things that have been brought to light in my situation. In the beginning she did initially deny a friendship, and eventually she said that the male coworker was like a big brother, that they just clicked (a big brother who was flirting like hell with her).


See the inconsistencies in her statements! Does not add up.



astooge said:


> I still feel like there are still some details left out and may never get them, as I have suspicions that she was attracted to the OM and is ashamed and is why she did not want to tell me (which she did say she was trying to make it right and eventually tell me?..I dont buy that).


Lie from her. Not to be taken on face value.
She tells you what you came to know and what she has already told you. We have all been there, dude.




astooge said:


> Anyway, she is owning it and at this point is doing everything right for R.


She did destroy your trust, mate. Can you do some real introspection?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

After she completes her withdrawal from the OM I suggest you guys do His Needs Her Needs together. Alos do the boundary setting as part of this.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Let me caution you that if you don't find out everything now you will probably regret it later. There are quite a few threads on TAM from people who didn't push for the truth and months or years later it interfered with their marriage. She absolutely needs to tell you EVERYTHING NOW! Trickle truth is a marriage killer. If you have to ask her for a polygraph in order to get her to come completely clean...do so now.

Edit: Remember she doesn't know how much you know or how.


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