# Mid-Life Crises??



## LAMB1993 (Apr 15, 2010)

I am new to the site, and this is my first time posting. I welcome any feedback, to my following delima.

This June will make seventeen years of marriage for my husband and me. We are both in our mid-thirtys. We have been through many characteristic changes with one another. However, I am not sure we can survive this one. My husband has started to flirt with one of his high school classmates via a social networking sites, talk to women over the phone and text. I told him I did not appreciate this, he told me I do not want him to have any friends. He has started telling me lies, and talking to me in a disrespectful tone. I asked him did he want to leave, he said no. I am not sure if he is going through a mid life crises or what. We are arguing everyday, I do not know what to do. He is telling me I am over reacting, he loves me, and only me. I have lost the trust and honesty our relationship once had.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Decide what you really want, b/c he will not change while you continue to put up with this. 

Make an appointment with a marriage counselor. Tell him when and tell him that he either commits to the marriage, now and always (by taking counseling seriously, working to change, doing what the counselor recommends, etc.), or he needs to leave. He does not believe you will take a stand and he is just blowing you off. Tell him exactly what must change before you will consider the marriage back on safe ground-not b/c he had female friends, but b/c he lied to you. Once he started lying to you, you have no way to know if he is truly just friends or not--and do not buy the "I just said those things [the lies] because you get upset when you know I talk to other women." It does not matter WHY he lied (in this case, he lied to avoid confrontation), it matters that he did it at all. Everything else has become secondary; he has broken trust with you. 

Be prepared. He may suddenly see the light and things will go smoothly as you do counseling together. He may panic and do the counseling, then fall back into bad habits once he feels secure in the marriage again. He may refuse to participate. In the latter two cases, you must leave or make him leave or you will be signaling to him that there are no real consequences to his actions. 

If you aren't ready to stand behind your needs, don't pretend that you are. You will lose credibility. If you know you are too afraid to pursue separation and potentially divorce, then decide how to live with this man WITHOUT making yourself miserable. It will be a very different relationship, but you may find a way to be happy in this type of marriage, at least until you realize you aren't afraid of leaving (which may happen one day). 

Good luck.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I've been going through something very similar with my wife after 14 years (now 15) of marriage.

Give yourself some time to catch up to things. You don't have to do anything right away - other than to let him know that his behavior is wrong and is hurting you. Try NOT to give any ultimatums until you've really had some time to think about things. Like Sisters said, you don't want to lose any credibility. So be careful what you say during these daily arguments.

The best thing to do right now would be to create some space. If you argue, he'll just continue to text. If you just stop fighting, it might actually make him a little worried. Most people doing this don't want to lose the security of the marriage.

Take care of yourself and try to do some things - alone or with friends - to make yourself feel better.

And in case you are wondering - if it is hurting you, then it is wrong even though (as I'm sure you've been told) its "only" texting, chatting, etc.,

You might also want to google the term "gaslighting" - when someone you trusted before begins lying to you so frequently, you begin to question your own judgment. Don't let that happen.


----------



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

This one sounds familiar. I seem to recall a similar situation popping up in my life a little while back. I firmly believe you deserve what you tolerate; so my advice would be for you to be firm and clear in setting boundaries for your husband.

I know this is hard, but in truth it sounds like you have already lost him, so in one sense you have nothing more to loose. Only your husband can loose at this point. I know this sounds harsh, but it actually gives you the stronger position to operate from. Use it. 

When people start to go outside the relationship, the relation-"ship" quickly begins to take on water and sink. If you can't get your captain to do some damage control for your marriage with some counseling or some much needed self-control, than my belief is that an ultimatum is in order. 

Every once in awhile I believe a demonstration of love is necessary. I think this is even more true when one party has behaved badly. I would start by insisting that he recognizes that his actions are not right. I would also ask what it is he feels he is missing from his relationship that he has a "need" to do this. I would take note of his response and try to correct it. I know it's hard,but that's why they call it love. I would also share with him how his actions have made you feel, and tell him what he needs to do better for you in return.

I believe that a little dose of role reversal can also be helpful; so maybe you can compile a small list of single men, and your husband can assist you in picking out a suitable boyfriend for you if he isn't agreeable to the above. 

I truly hope your husband grows up Lamb1993. It's sad when I see, hear, or read about people trading a beautiful marriage for a plastic, fake, and imaginary internet relationship. It's literally like trading gold coins for goldfish crackers. The first few letters are similar, but there is a world of difference in their worth.

LIL


----------

