# Separation advice



## HangingInThere (Mar 8, 2017)

I have been over all of these threads and found alot of peace knowing im not alone and finally decided to post myself...The story sounds similar been married to my wife 7 years first few were great then the decline She is Saying "Im missing a passion for you" and wont say I love you Back she says things like " there are different levels of Love" and "theres a lack of Connection with you", also there was no physical touch or affection before space except sex which felt like a chore in silence how unfulfilling. Through the years she would always give me a list of changes and I did them All...quit weed entirely quit smoking cigarettes formed a better loving relationship with the kids, became financially mature started going to church and joined a great men's group to be a better Father.I am also previous military who was dealing with PTSD. Dont get me wrong im nowhere near perfect and know im contributing to this just saying ive come a long way.

A little background on her, she's been in a few abusive relationships ( sexually and physically and im sure verbally) including the father of her children who accidentally killed himself with a drug overdose. She then went into super guilt mode because the children lost their father and spoils them rotten, never says no, and never disciplines them with consequences. They are her whole self being and value to life meanwhile totally losing herself. As she put it it was kill herself or dedicate her life to them.

She claims that because I did everything She asked of me to change she is now wondering if the cause of her issues are her. We went to marriage counseling for a year and a half but she did not open up to have real growth she merely pointed fingers, meanwhile I found out alot about myself and my marriage. she is now seeing a really good counselor by herself so she can open up and put it all on the table as she put it. She claims she has no self esteem which is why all of this is happening and why she chose bad guys in the past. She also says this isnt about another guy, and before all of you guys jump on the another guy band wagon I will say I have done the scan the phone, email,texts , call log and facebook and drive bys all hours of the night and day for a couple months and never found a thing though she could be strategically deleting certain things in total preparation.... of course you never know and Im not Blindly believing there isnt someone else either because there is a previous ex in her phone and facebook that she had strong feelings for but he has been in there since before we were married and there was really bad blood between them in the end as well as he is married. We have been going on dates, we have been going to events with the kids, she has reached out and grabbed my hand on the train, she has started giving me hugs and good night kisses. One day Im emotionally ok the next im a mess the next im mad and want to take control of my life back and just end it! How long do you put your life in Limbo for someone who is figuring out themselves and to see if they love you? At some point you have to Move on, I am a christian now and so is she so morally im really trying to have Integrity but For the first time in our Marriage Im finding myself looking at younger girls who are full of energy and wondering if I would be better off just moving on.. then the next day we will hang out and i want to be with her again once i smell her hair and see her smile...meanwhile pretending like im emotionally healthy and that this isnt really bothering me that bad..SO frustrating i think its because i require physical touch and affection also i like being in a realtionship with her.........My question is...would a person really go through all of this and the whole time knowing they were going to divorce you but they wanted to break up in stages, or worse yet for all the pessimists..would she really be working a side guy or carrying on an emotional affair while going to church and reading the bible 2 hours every morning and acting more loving and doing dates and calling me honey still???? or are there signs of reconcilliation?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I might have missed you stating this... but are the two of you living apart? If so, how long have you been apart.

About your question: *"would a person really go through all of this and the whole time knowing they were going to divorce you but they wanted to break up in stages, or worse yet for all the pessimists..would she really be working a side guy or carrying on an emotional affair while going to church and reading the bible 2 hours every morning and acting more loving and doing dates and calling me honey still???? or are there signs of reconcilliation?"*

The answer is yes, or no. None of use know your wife. So none of us can have this info.

That said, if you have really checked up on her for 2 months, she probably is not seeing anyone else. Were I you, I would keep checking for a while longer-trust but verify.

Are you supporting her financially? Does she have a job?


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## HangingInThere (Mar 8, 2017)

We live apart i moved to an apartment a few hundred yards down the road 5 weeks ago, and the checking up part all happened while we were living together separated as well as when we get together periodically. she does have a job im not supporting her anymore with bills and such but i did split the taxes to set her and i up and pay for all dates and stuff.

Whats this 180 approach everyone is talking about?


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

HangingInThere said:


> We live apart i moved to an apartment a few hundred yards down the road 5 weeks ago, and the checking up part all happened while we were living together separated as well as when we get together periodically. she does have a job im not supporting her anymore with bills and such but i did split the taxes to set her and i up and pay for all dates and stuff.
> 
> Whats this 180 approach everyone is talking about?


In a nutshell, the 180 is separating yourself in all ways from your partner. Going no contact, not providing emotional support, detaching completely. Through this you can take the time to focus on yourself and gain clarity about the situation so the decision can be based on what's best for you.

Here's a more robust breakdown:

https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/


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## HangingInThere (Mar 8, 2017)

Update.....I read the 180 article and decided to follow this behavior...Today I have turned a corner inside myself, the pit in my stomach is dissipating and I hit the Gym for 2 hours I Deleted the facebook Ap off my phone and have also decided to not do drive by's or check on my wife anymore, If she is up to no good and that's her main goal of this space thing or has intentions to divorce in the end there is nothing I can do to convince her otherwise through words or actions, as I was reading the List of the 180 I realized I was showering her with Gifts, Begging her for status updates on our marriage and feelings and trying to set up as many Dates as I could which were getting bad results. I havent texted or called and Im starting to Feel Better Already, Who knows what the future holds. It could be reconciliation it could be divorce but being in Limbo where I was was killing Me and not Healthy plus as the article says to get what I truly want anyway nothing will happen until I move on and live my life and stop chasing!!! Thanks for the link to that article!


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

HangingInThere said:


> My question is...would a person really go through all of this and the whole time knowing they were going to divorce you but they wanted to break up in stages, or worse yet for all the pessimists


Yes, or maybe. Usually the person isn't sure right away, so they waffle back and forth between trying to fix things versus pulling the plug and during that time of vascillation you will see all sorts of conflicting behavior. 



HangingInThere said:


> ..would she really be working a side guy or carrying on an emotional affair while going to church and reading the bible 2 hours every morning and acting more loving and doing dates and calling me honey still???? or are there signs of reconcilliation?


Religious individuals tend to be the most hypocritical individuals on the face of the planet. Thing about all those child molesting priests for example. So the short answer is yes, she can read the bible for 2 hours every morning and then go and violate the principles she just read and prayed about and justify it by rationalization or skewed interpretation of the words she read only hours before. 

Sounds to me like she's strongly considering leaving you for good, although there might still be an ember burning there somewhere that has not yet been completely extinguished. Some say a separation is a good way for the two parties to really get a feeling for what life will be like without the other- which may result in them realizing they had it better than they though. Others say separation is just one step in the direction of the finality of a divorce. Who knows, I'm guessing it's one of those case by case things. Either way you now know that your clingy hysterical bonding behavior was a poor way to handle this and you are now acting in a way that if nothing else, prepares you for live without her, and may actually help turn her around but of course nothing is certain.


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## HangingInThere (Mar 8, 2017)

Another question in your guys opinion...twice a week I hang out with our step children, which she is SUPER protective of, Its hard for me to believe that if she was carrying on an affair emotionally or otherwise or Truly knew she was going to divorce that she would allow the step children and I to continue bonding???


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Shouldn't be this hard mate.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

HangingInThere said:


> Another question in your guys opinion...twice a week I hang out with our step children, which she is SUPER protective of, Its hard for me to believe that if she was carrying on an affair emotionally or otherwise or Truly knew she was going to divorce that she would allow the step children and I to continue bonding???


think about it... your an automatic baby sister for her....to go off do what she wants to do...and she doesn't have to pay you

she never said she never trusted you with the kids...she said she is not in love with you...big difference


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

HangingInThere said:


> Another question in your guys opinion...twice a week I hang out with our step children, which she is SUPER protective of, Its hard for me to believe that if she was carrying on an affair emotionally or otherwise or Truly knew she was going to divorce that she would allow the step children and I to continue bonding???


You are very naive and in a state of denial. Better wake up


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