# My biological clock is ticking...



## The_Harder_I_Try (Mar 25, 2014)

Ok, my first post - here goes nothing (and EVERYTHING!). It’s LONG, sorry...

First, I've been "lurking" here for months. Like everywhere else on the Net, there's a lot of total BS advice, and some really GOOD advice. It's also great to see that we (my wife and I) are not alone. I really value reading Anon Pink and Miss Scarlett posts/replies to get a woman's perspective. Thank you two very much - you've already helped immensely!

So... Married to a wonderful woman, beautiful, smart, funny, happy (mostly), with two Elementary school age kids (who both also happen to be beautiful, smart, funny and happy). LW and I have known each other for 24 years - been married for 17 of those. Neither of us has ever cheated. LW was a virgin when we met - lived together 5 years pre-marriage. Life should be GREAT (nice house, savings, cars, "toys" - all that other "stuff"). 

The problem is our sex life keeps going in the wrong direction. The harder I try, the worse it gets...

Problem: My LW is clearly LD, always has been. For years I used porn, and lots of hand lotion, plus had "hobbies" to keep me busy. Now I've got an incurable disease (no, I'm not going to die from it, but it WILL change our family's lives in many ways). So, about 2 years ago I decided to get off the porn, and finally have a REAL sex life, before it’s no longer possible (don’t know how long I’ve got left in that area of life). LW agreed, and about 1 year ago we started attempting to make changes.

Per the "definition" of a sexless marriage, we have had one on/off for many years (that <10x year thing!). Worse, I don't think my wife's ever had a REAL orgasm. She's VERY sexually conservative. Most (if not all) of the "changes" have been initiated by me - some examples:


Read dozens of books ranging from: "I Love Female Orgasm", "The Sex Drive Solution for Women", "The Sex-Starved Marriage", to the other extremes "No More Mr. Nice Guy!" and "The Married Man Sex Life Primer"
Spent over $1000 on a highly regarded (lots of publications in trade mags., blogs, etc.) MC who specializes in couples sex therapy.
Bought (gotta love Amazon!) everything I thought might be worth a try: several different lubes, flavored condoms, a Hitachi "mini-wand" vib. (not the vibrate her teeth out version - just a "starter" model), new undies for me and LW, massage oils, bamboo cloth "sexy" robes, etc., etc.

I've even been following much of the advice in "MMSL Primer" - without knowing it (been doing that stuff before reading it): I'm in my best shape EVER (working out A LOT, eating right...). 

I've never been confident in the "looks" dept., but now I've actually had both men and women tell me I'm looking great. LW is still damn hot, BUT... Yeah, after 2 kids (breastfed both a long time), some of the bits are starting to "sag" a little. I don't care though, she still gets me going every time we even just "snuggle". Maybe I've become HD now (somehow?), but I could probably do it 3-4x per week, if it were up to me (it's not though is it?).

I've tried the romantic dinners, bought surprise jewelry, hand-made my own "coupon" book (well I thought it was clever anyway), spent hours massaging her - with no pressure (or expectation) to have sex after.

I do all that "alpha male" stuff too: Fixing the house, working on the cars, plus the "beta" stuff: do the laundry (ok not as much as LW), take the kids off so she can have some "mommy alone time". I even got her to join a fitness club. I went to MANY visits to plastic surgeons (my idea) because I thought she might be having some "body image" issues after having 2 kids. Guys, I can tell you one thing: You'll NEVER feel more out of place, nor get more strange looks than sitting in the waiting room of a plastic surgeon's office, where you wife is about to have her boobs squeezed, poked, measured and critiqued by some guy you've both just met!

I just finally HAD to post, since I feel like I'm the "180" (pun intended!) from Miss Scarlett's latest post: I would GLADLY do just about ANYTHING to give LW her first "big-O". I actually LOVE performing ORAL on her, even though she's NEVER reciprocated (yup, never gotten a BJ in my life!). I'd stay down there with my tongue, fingers, the vib. (which she hasn't even tried yet), whatever it would take, no matter HOW long it would take! Usually though, she just pulls me up after 30 secs. of being "down there" saying it makes her "uncomfortable" (or it tickles???). 

Ok, so maybe I suck (yup another pun!) at oral, but I know I didn't long ago. I had a couple of GF's before meeting the LW. Both of them had that kind of whole body tensing, OMG types of O's when I used my mouth as best I could (gotta admit to limited experience in that dept. though).

The more I do, the more we talk (and yes have some "knock-down-drag-out" full-on screaming fights - nothing physical though!) the more she claims I'm "obsessed" with "one thing". Or MC visits were, IMO, a total waste of time/money. We went both separately and together. All I got from the MC was "well, you married a virgin - what did you expect", or "forget the past, focus on what you can change today". I wonder if she was secretly humming that "Let it Go" song (Frozen) while watching the clock at $125/hour.

LW only seems to like PIV, mostly vanilla "missionary". She says that gets her there, but she's just not vocal (nor showing any other "signs") with her "O's". I keep trying to tell her I'd like to try some "new" stuff. When we TALK about it, she agrees. BUT… In my mind, ACTIONS are what counts. Some of the new stuff (trying to get her to like oral, even if it’s only me giving it, other positions, more foreplay) is simply to and avoid the physical problems our PIV sessions have caused her lately – the dreaded yeast infection. No, she’s NOT lying about that (or using it as an excuse), she really hurts and needs to see her OB/GYN for and Rx when it’s really bad. That, of course, stops all sex for at least 1 week, with no PIV, and I can’t get her to do oral (think she’s afraid her getting wet will make the yeast inf. worse). NO, I’m NOT abnormally large either (glad not to be for my wife’s sake). Maybe I’m a little bigger than average (yup, measured it and went onto one of those “where you rank” websites – stupid I know!). I don’t think I cause her any pain when she does get into it (and she DOES, maybe every few months). BUT, when we have one of those WOW (for both of us) sessions, like perhaps a good 30 min. of going at it PIV in the couple of positions she likes, it ALWAYS ends up meaning no sex for about a week afterwards. Before you ask, I’ve not even dared to bring up anal. She’s already told me it’s “disgusting”. Our MC actually told her (in private session, so I don’t know exactly what they discussed) that trying oral on me might be something we’d BOTH like. LW told me she’d “puke her guts out” if ever tried to “force” her to give me a BJ. Yeah, well, I’ve never FORCED her to do anything, EVER. I’m “cut”, and I shaved (too much info – I know!) so that I’d be as clean, smooth, and least disgusting as possible. Plus, I got flavored condoms and edible lube (tastes pretty good, I tried it), so she doesn’t even have to get near actual SKIN. Still no way…

BTW: To my knowledge, she’s NEVER masturbated, and has certainly NEVER attempted to use any kind of “toy”. The mini-wand I bought (yes, like everything else, I tried it on myself first) she treats like some kind of perverted torture instrument. She actually THOUGHT it was for vaginal insertion when I first showed it to her (well that WOULD hurt!).

We tried a “couples weekend getaway” at a luxury spa hotel, sans kids of course. We had our usual PIV sex the first night. We’ve NEVER done it more than once in a night, she always shuts that down, claiming her legs hurt too much afterwards (again, I’m not packing something porn star worthy). I tried to have sex with her the next morning. That ended up in a big fight, nearly ruining the rest of the weekend. We did have our usual PIV “quickie” on our final night, which brings up another issue.

LW insists that periodic “quickies” (and I mean like 5 min of PIV – no more) will keep us “in shape”. Maybe she’s right, but they’re not doing it for me. She says she “needs” them, but basically controls the whole flow, telling me how, when, where (and making sure I know when it’s time to “wrap it up”). Those just make me feel even more depressed about our sex life, and worse, I feel totally humiliated.

Ok, so this is now sounding like she’s some kind of evil B**CH. She’s NOT, and I love her with all my heart. I just don’t know what more to try to “fix” this. Like I said, “the harder I try, the worse it gets!”

This is where the “Alpha” guys on the forum tell me one of the following:

a) Divorce her ass and find somebody who’s not a frigid "B".
b) Pull the 180 on her ass. Make her believe that if she doesn’t change, its option a).
c) Embrace your inner “alpha-ape” self: Drag her into the bedroom, rip her clothes off (maybe even tie her up), and bang the S**T out of her!

So, ladies (the few of you reading this), you (and I) know a, b, or c would all lead to total disaster. I’d end up most likely loosing everything I love, including my kids, and everything WE (LW and I together) have worked for all these years.

I can’t just “let it go” and continue this way. Frankly, I don’t know how much more time I have before I just physically cannot perform (at least PIV) anymore. I’ve told her the clock is “ticking”, but it’s MY biological clock this time!

HELP!!!

PS: Sorry about the font mixup - posted from my phone...


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Use a regular font


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

I would say she has a problem with sex in general.
Maybe your MC is not the right one.
Have your given her all your sex library to read?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Hi and welcome, 

I think the two things I've learned the most since finding this board last year are 1) how committed most men are to their marriages, despite intimacy suffocation and 2) no change can occur in a person who doesn't see the need to change. Change is difficult - even with a desire to change it's still extremely difficult whether it is just trying to live a healthier lifestyle, or giving up a vice, what have you. 

I can't think of anything more you can do to try to change the sexual dynamic with your wife. From the things you listed you have been extremely thorough and considerate and giving in your efforts to improve the sexual dynamic. You have done it and then some. 

So - you should rest easy that you have honestly tried everything. Regardless of your next step, whatever the next step is - you've given your wife every opportunity to have a better sex life with you. 

I feel kind of bad, with my story, because there are so many men here who have wives that don't orgasm, don't enjoy sex, would rather not, etc. That is not how I see myself. I like sex, I've always had a higher drive than my husband. I imagine if my husband would have been bringing books home and bringing toys home and had been determined to not come up for air till I got there I would not be in the situation I find myself in. 

I'm not blaming him, I think I'm pretty fair at accepting my share of the blame for the situation. I wanted a new start with him, I didn't feel the need to go back to Day 1 and do an autopsy on how it happened. 

I'm making this too much about me - in any case - I do know where you are coming from. Your deadline is likely closer given your condition but still, this is it. For everyone here. This is the time to have sex. It's not going to last forever. 

I tend to side with Faithful Wife on these matters. I don't believe it's personal most of the time. I tend to agree with her that people who aren't that interested in sex fail to see the importance of it. Fail to see the damage their actions are causing in their spouse. 

I believe that a lower drive spouse can remind themselves to be more affectionate, that they can reach an understanding, a compromise with a higher drive spouse. However, they are unlikely to ever have the physical need for sex that a higher drive spouse does. 

And really, I think that's what every higher drive spouse desires, passion that is returned in kind. 100% meets 100% - that's the dream anyway. 

Some people here do have that. It is possible to find that in another person - but like you are saying, the rest of us have spouses we love and families and bright futures and pretty much everything we want. This causes a constant balancing act, weighing what we have against what we don't.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

OP, I could have written many parts of your post myself. Haven't gone the MC route yet, though it's on my radar. I'd be a fool to offer you any advice because I haven't fixed my own situation yet, but I totally know where you're coming from.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hi THIT,

Welcome, glad you posted. Don't know how long you've been lurking here before joining and posting but there is another member whose wife sounds a lot like yours. It might be helpful for you to read his latest thread in which he talks about going on strike and not having sex with his wife until she agrees to come out of her self imposed sexual shell.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/167217-kobayashi-maru.html

Maybe I didn't pay close enough attention but does your wife orgasm at all?

When you two were going to sex therapy together, what was your wife's attitude about attending?

With a woman and sexual dysfunction, it is NOT easy to solve. Long held attitudes regarding sex don't go away over night. Hormonal fluctuations play a role, body image plays a role, her attraction to you, her childhood, he attitudes about men and her basic understanding of human sexuality all play roles and the block could be in one or ten areas and to top it off the primary block can change from week to week!

What miss scarlet said was true, a desire for change makes change possible, but not simple. If she has no desire to change..,then what?

Does your wife understand that your desire and need for sex is a vital need? I think this is something a lot of women simply don't get because of the bad wrap boys got when we began dating. "Boys just want one thing so be on guard!" Well that message doesn't just go away. Women really need to spend more effort understanding men and their need for sex.

Have you asked her to give you a nice slow massage with a happy ending?

If she isn't having orgasms, she might benefit from seeing a GYN who specializes in female sexual dysfunction.

I wish doctors could give some women a little boost in testosterone. When I hit perimenopause, actually just before, the balance was out of whack and I probably had a higher level of testosterone in my system than is normal for women. I couldn't STOP thinking about sex. Morning noon and night I wanted it all the time, several times a day, it wouldn't have been possible for me to say no thanks. I can't imagine being a man and dealing with that every day of your life! I learned a very healthy respect for the good guys out there and a bit of compassion for the man wh0res. 

My point is, those feelings are so to totally alien to women. Maybe some education in this area might help?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

There is one way to deal with this problem.
Make your wife happy with her life. This has nothing to do with sex, but has everything to do with what you say and do on a daily basis. Make your wife understand that you are giving her happiness in her life and you expect it in return. Allow her to choose to accept the happiness she receives from you while either giving back to you or not giving back to you. If she chooses to take but not give, then you ought to leave her... But there's a huge process between where you are today and getting to that point. Stop fighting about sex becuase it does not solve your probelm.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Maybe she just can not O. There was another poster here a while back who tried and never could.

What is her problem with giving you a BJ?

If she is so hung up that she can't give you one than there is no way you are ever going to improve your sex life. 

Sorry to hear about your health problems. I understand the desire to experience things while you can. If you can't convince you LW to give you a few cherished moments than her hang-ups outweigh her desire to make you happy. 

She probably views your desires as trivial and not something you really need and you seem very devoted to her so she has no reason to doubt herself.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Can you tell us what the disease is?

Most here will tell you (and its true), there is sexual life after our 'things' aren't working. Will the upcoming problem affect your drive and sexual impulses, or just your ability to do PIV? if it doesn't affect your drive, there is a whole new world waiting for you that might even be more exciting for your wife.

Not that i'm there myself yet, (but age 60 looming tells me the day cannot be too far off), but doing things other than P.I.V. can be pretty satisfying too. I'm a make-out kind of guy and and a good long make-out session is almost as good as PIV to me.
Course, there's lots of other things too.


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## CafeRed (Mar 26, 2012)

Does your wife give you affection in other ways? Does she feel badly for how her actions make you feel? It does sounds like she's trying and doesn't want to leave you starved for intimacy. But it also sounds like you've tried everything....except maybe a different marriage counselor. I know you've read a lot of books, but I've heard of one called "Starved for Affection" by Dr. Randy Carlson. It might be worth checking out.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish you and your wife all the best as you work through things. And I'll certainly be praying for your health. Blessings to you!


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