# Huge Blow Up Fight. Miscarriage. Drugs. Divorce on the table..



## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

My wife and I have been married for 13 years. She loves her own family a lot even though it is one of the most messed up families. But her family has come between us too much. I got to tell what happened. I am posting this on here because she feels one way about what happened and I feel another way. I want honest opinions. 

Me, my wife, her sister in law and my 3 year old daughter all drove to Galveston Texas for a 3 day weekend. I pulled a boat down there about a 5 hour drive from Dallas and was super excited to get out in the ocean and go fishing. We only took one truck with the boat. The night before my wife and I planned that she would take me and drop me and the boat off at the water at 9:00 am and then her sister and my daughter would go shopping the rest of the day. 

In the early morning hours of our first night there my wife's sister started bleeding real bad and was having a miss carriage. My wife left to take her to the hospital with my truck around 5:00 am in the morning. At 8:30 am I messaged my wife and asked her how much longer it might be. She said don't know. I said well please keep me updated because I would like to get out onto the water before noon. I had my daughter with me at the hotel. I messaged my wife back and forth from 8:30 till about 11:00 am. They were waiting on some test results and were not sure when they were going to get released. I said please come get me and take me to the water and drop me off. I pulled my boat all the way down from Dallas and I have to be off the water by 5. It's a whole process. 

My wife refused to come get me so I told her I was going to Uber to the hospital drop my daughter off and get the truck so I can go fishing. So that is what I did. They had to Uber back to the hotel when they were done at the hospital. 

So, if you have read this far along you are probably thinking I am a piece of crap. They have told their hole family that I left them stranded at the hospital after a miscarriage and they had to Uber back to the hotel. This is so bad that my wife no longer is sure that she wants to be married to me so that is where I am at now. But here is my side of the story. 

My sister in lawn is a complete F UP in life. She is 30 years old. Been kicked out of every place she has lived. Never lived anywhere else more than 6 months at a time. She is a pill popper and smokes so much weed. We think she does other drugs as well. But on top of all that she has had 3 abortions and one was the day before the cut off. She had told me the story of that about 3 weeks prior to going with us and I couldn't believe what she told me. I won't even put it on here. She has also miscarried once before. Her sister intrudes on my family by coming over all the time to my house. Taking what she wants etc. She smokes weed and pops pills while she is pregnant. With this baby she wanted to keep it. She is rude to me all the time at my own house all the time. I finally banned her from even coming to the house but my wife said it was not fair because she believes her sister should be able to come around so I had to start letting her come back over. 

Anyway what I am getting at is this. I am on vacation and I chose to let my sister in law come along. (Stupid Idea) When she had a miscarriage in the early morning hours I felt bad for her but there was a part of me that didn't because she has done this to herself. After my wife was in the hospital with her for 4 hours I really expected her to leave and come take me to the water so I could enjoy my day. It's enough that her sister messes with my life back home but on my vacation no way. She lost this baby for a lot of reasons and she was still doing pills and smoking with this one to. How can my wife stay by her side and cry for her on our vacation that we brought her sister on and leave me and my kid at home with nothing to do. This is our vacation and my wife had been there for 4 hours. She has all the help in the world there and my wife is just there for support. But I don't feel like she put us on the back burner and her sister was more important. She looks at it and her hole family looks at it as I just wanted to do what I wanted to do. 

Yes I did want to go fishing, yes I did want to spend time with my wife and kid. But that didn't happen in my opinion because she chose to stay in the hospital with her sister. Everyone supports her sister no matter what and keeps enabling her. I am not that way at all. I am the complete opposite. I would have gotten her to the hospital got her stable and said hey I need to go back and be with my family but as soon as they release you let me know and I will come get you. What ended up happening was about an hour after I picked up my truck to go to the water she got released. My wife is like you should have waited and maybe I could have but she didn't know how long it was going to take and neither did I so I did what I thought was best for me to enjoy my vacation. 

My wife and I had a huge fight after this and I told my wife a lot of things I should have never told her. Just stuff about her family mostly. She said she will never leave a family member that is in need laying in a hospital bed. She said that she never thought I would do something like that. 

She is not sure she wants to stay with me anymore. She says that I hurt her by what I said and did to the core and it has shaken her. She said my sister needed me and I was there for her. I said well in the end you know who really needed you was me. But you chose to go with your drug addict sister. It just got worse. I just have lost all sympathy for her sister and will not support that stuff. You kill 3 kids mis carry another one and then another one. You pop pills, do other drugs and smoke hella weed yet you expect us to be there for you through all this. Her family will do that cause they say they are family. Her dad is an alcoholic and even had a wreck with our daughter in the car and they all ran and left the car in the road. That has nothing to do with the story but I hope is spreads some light on the type of family I am dealing with. 

When we got home I immediately banned her sister from coming to the house. I told her that her sister was never to drive around our daughter again because she is high when she does it. My wife had been letting her sister do this and was even taking our daughter over to another house to smoke and babysit and my wife let it happen. But I am no better because I didn't stop it because my wife said she didn't want me getting into her family stuff but this is my daughter in the end you know. 

I don't know what to do. I apologized to my wife for being so mean about it and that maybe I could have waited a little longer but I really don't have any regrets about what I did. Am I wrong for thinking this way? Should I just be like her and family is everything regardless of how they live their life? How do we get past this without a divorce on the table? 

Jason


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You sir are an *******.
In your other threads you say you can’t stand to be with your wife and daughter and you wanted opinions on if you were a piece of crap.
You are.
Have a nice life.
Alone.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

You ****ed up royally


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Yikes. You definitely has some balls to retrieve the truck like you did, not many guys (including myself) would do that with a woman they want to keep around. 

Let's focus on your marriage. How is it? Are you and your wife in love? Are you two frequently intimate? You either have a very rocky marriage and just don't give a crap anymore or you have balls of steel. 

I am totally with you on not having the sister over at your house or in your life in general. You should have zero tolerance against drug and booze addicts. You are the man of the family and it's your job to ensure everyone is safe.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I can see both sides of the situation. You are a schmuck. But...you are dealing with a druggie and those types of people you need to instill boundaries with. Look, if you didn't want her around then you should never let her around. But if you agree to be around her for a vacation and she has a legitimate medical condition then basic human decency would dictate that you support her needs and the needs of your wife to care for her sister.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> You sir are an *******.


I had the same immediate reaction as I proceeded through the original post. 

But my tune changed a bit as things progressed. 

If his description of the sis's sis' history is accurate/not exaggerated, I gotta' sympathize. People like that will suck you dry if you let them. At some point, ya' gotta' life your life and not let them affect your actions... at all, even when they're looking particularly tragic. She's aborted three times and miscarried before (probably no accident there either). It's not like she's going through something new here. It was unconscionable to insert her effed up self into what was supposed to be a nice family outing in the first place. 

My brother's brother in law is similar. He effs up nearly every family gettogether he attends, often by somehow managing to put himself in mortal danger (lost in the wilderness while snowmobiling in subzero temps for instance). Every time, my brother's wife (sister to the ridiculous specimen) and her entire family freak out, go into full spaz mode, and all the in-laws/extended family suffer. This drugged out, liquored up, selfish asshat generates so much drama and everyone else buys into it. It's pathetic. My brother would like to leave this clown to his own devices, but out of love for his wife, he dons the winter suit and heads out into the frozen wilderness in the middle of the night to look for this moron. Had it been me, I'm sure I would have cut him loose long ago, no matter how distressed my wife (fortunately that would never happen as my wife herself would never put up with such crap, even from a close blood relative).


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Yikes. You definitely has some balls to retrieve the truck like you did, not many guys (including myself) would do that with a woman they want to keep around.
> 
> Let's focus on your marriage. How is it? Are you and your wife in love? Are you two frequently intimate? You either have a very rocky marriage and just don't give a crap anymore or you have balls of steel.
> 
> I am totally with you on not having the sister over at your house or in your life in general. You should have zero tolerance against drug and booze addicts. You are the man of the family and it's your job to ensure everyone is safe.


Read some of his other posts and you will see how his marriage is.His wife disgusts him and he prefers friends to take care of his daughter rather than look after her himself.
And just as an aside,he was twenty three when he started sleeping with his now wife.
She was sixteen.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

My very first comment is this: Why did you "apologize" to your wife if you don't have any regrets about what you did? This is, at its core, a lie and deceitful. No matter what is going on, your wife deserves your honesty. 

I don't agree with how you went about things. 

You seem to feel you (and your wife) should only give your SIL what she deserves, not what she needs. Love is giving someone what they need, not what they deserve. A miscarriage is a miscarriage, no matter what the person has done in the past.

You took your SIL with you, but seemingly not willingly. You had every reason to believe she would mess up your plans, though you could not have predicted the miscarriage, and yet you were angered and unkind when she did. You put your wife in the position of having to choose between her sister who at that moment was in real need emotionally and your need to put your boat in the water.

To arrange with your wife after your SIL had been declared stable to uber to the hospital, retrieve the truck and have them uber to the hotel is not unreasonable. The way you went about it - no wonder your wife is telling her family you abandoned her. 

You acted like a brat who didn't get to play with his toy. You put your wife in a tough spot. You showed no empathy to you SIL (who you clearly feel deserves none). You showed no consideration for your wife's judgement or her desire to help her sister. When someone is in the hospital, through their own fault or not, is not the time to set boundaries and lay down family law.

You are justified in the need to set boundaries with your SIL, but again, the way you go about it is authoritarian and completely dismissive of the needs of everyone else involved. To simply ban her from the house after the way this thing went down...I would hate you if I were married to you.

The good news is, you seem to recognize that this did not go well and that there is room for correction.
IL


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

SIL is a nut or not you handle this all wrong.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

I'm not going to call you a ****, but your behavior and attitude is what I would expect from a ****.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Jason,

If you didn't want to be hassled with your SIL drama, you shouldn't have agreed to take her along.

Your W did right by her sister and by all reasonable observation is a stand up woman and a keeper. 

You, on the other hand, acted like a selfish, spoiled, vindictive, controlling, jack***. And the cherry on top is banning your SIL from your house??? I mean...seriously? 

Your W has every reason to question staying with you, you don't deserve her. Do her a favor, give her a fair divorce and let her go find a real man.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

you're right op, i bet the sil even planned to have that miscarriage just to ruin your day of fishing!

But seriously...
1. You're in the wrong.
2. You handled it wrong.
3. You handled the aftermath wrong.
4. Your wife isn't wrong to want to divorce you for handling it the way you did.


It doesn't matter how much of a screw-up your SIL is. She had a miscarriage and your wife wanted to be with her.

Do you know for a fact that any of her risky behavior led to the miscarriage? Because it seems like you want to use that to justify why you're pissed off for not going fishing.

Dude, I'm sorry you can't go fishing and your vacation was ruined by someone else being in a potentially life threatening situation. But **** happens.

It sounds like your wife and family are enablers. It's true that they need to realize they need to handle your SIL differently. But you need to go about 'convincing' them in a different way than acting like a total *******. What you should have done is just realize what _you_ wanted to do on this vacation is shot because of this crisis, and just waited until it was over to SERIOUSLY address it with your wife.

I'm sorry everyone else's priorities changed and you didn't get to do what you wanted to do.

So, yea, you're the *******. It doesn't even matter how much the SIL is a screw up. You want proof?

You were so selfish about wanting to go fishing, you *dropped your daughter off at the hospital*, took the truck, and went fishing anyway.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Tron said:


> Jason,
> 
> If you didn't want to be hassled with your SIL drama, you shouldn't have agreed to take her along.
> 
> ...


Damn straight! She's a druggie and would have never been allowed my children in the first place. OPs first problem was allowing her around in the first place. Finally wising up in that regard isn't being controlling; it's called parenting. 

That said, if the reports of OPs other posts are accurate (I don't believe I read them), it would seem to indicate he was okay with that before and only chooses to invoke his child now as a means of winning sympathy for his current action, which is hypocritical and casts doubt on the veracity of his current outrage.


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

Aside from any other post I have made on here yeah I got my own issues, but I was not grown up this way to support people like this and I won't. Her sister is given a handout at each turn. 

My father was a cop when I was growing up. Very strict on my brother and I. He is also a licensed marriage counselor, missionary, minister and most recently a chaplain. He has seen this stuff day in and day out in his life and some of it I have through my own experience with friends or just stories my dad would tell me. So when I see what is going on around me I am trying to take the steps to either get her help which I learned was not going to happen. ( I called counselors for her and everything. She never went to one meeting or one doctor. Her dad did it and she didn't go either)

She has totaled 3 cars. But her dad is buying her a new one in a few weeks. She spends all her money on drugs, that her dad takes her checks and only lets her have so much. But that does not matter because she was selling her self on Tinder at one point for drugs. She picks up my daughter and takes her places high but I can't say anything because my wife says it is family and I can't just ban my daughter from seeing her. I am like she is taking our kid around high and we are both letting this happen. We have come to an agreement that she can't take our daughter around like that again. She was also taking her to a ladys house who smokes weed and they smoke in the garage while the kids hang out. Which to be honest I was ok with a few times because in the day in age who does not smoke weed. But when I was at the house I told my wife why are there 2 broken tv's in this house. That is not normal. That is where the cop side of me comes in and starts asking questions. Turns out her and her boyfriend are at odds and he broke a tv a few weeks back. Well what if my daughter is there when this guy comes over? 

I don't want to be heartless I really don't. But her family is so messed up and I truly believe that the reason people are so hooked on drugs today is because people enable them. I believe my wife was enabling her sister by staying there with her. This is our vacation. My wife and I have actually been doing really well. Since my last post on here we have scheduled date nights and all. It has been great up until now. 

Jason


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Ahusband said:


> Aside from any other post I have made on here yeah I got my own issues, but I was not grown up this way to support people like this and I won't. Her sister is given a handout at each turn.
> 
> My father was a cop when I was growing up. Very strict on my brother and I. He is also a licensed marriage counselor, missionary, minister and most recently a chaplain. He has seen this stuff day in and day out in his life and some of it I have through my own experience with friends or just stories my dad would tell me. So when I see what is going on around me I am trying to take the steps to either get her help which I learned was not going to happen. ( I called counselors for her and everything. She never went to one meeting or one doctor. Her dad did it and she didn't go either)
> 
> ...


Regardless

You picked the wrong place and time to take a stand.


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Damn straight! She's a druggie and would have never been allowed my children in the first place. OPs first problem was allowing her around in the first place. Finally wising up in that regard isn't being controlling; it's called parenting.
> 
> That said, if the reports of OPs other posts are accurate (I don't believe I read them), it would seem to indicate he was okay with that before and only chooses to invoke his child now as a means of winning sympathy for his current action, which is hypocritical and casts doubt on the veracity of his current outrage.


My sister in law has always been a druggie. I have told my wife I don't want my daughter around her but that is out of the question. My wife said that is her family. I get what she is saying and so I have never banned my wife nor daughter from seeing there own family. I am not that heartless but I don't want them at my house. Yall have no idea what this girl does. I had a birthday party. The next day she comes over and starts taking alcohol out of our refrigerator. I am like what are you doing. She said oh you are never going to drink this stuff. One of the bottles was a $40 bottle of Gold Schlauger that was given to me by a buddy of mine from High School. We used to drink it when we were younger. I told my buddy when he comes in to town we can have a few drinks but she is just going to take it? 

She only comes to our house to get away from her dad who she is living with and to have a place to smoke weed and hang out with us. Her dad got so mad at her he kicked her out and changed all the locks on her. Yet when I did this 8 years ago he wouldn't talk to me for like a year. But he let her move right back in and do the same stuff again. When does one cut someone off and say that is enough.


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Yikes. You definitely has some balls to retrieve the truck like you did, not many guys (including myself) would do that with a woman they want to keep around.
> 
> Let's focus on your marriage. How is it? Are you and your wife in love? Are you two frequently intimate? You either have a very rocky marriage and just don't give a crap anymore or you have balls of steel.
> 
> I am totally with you on not having the sister over at your house or in your life in general. You should have zero tolerance against drug and booze addicts. You are the man of the family and it's your job to ensure everyone is safe.


I love my wife to death I really do. As much **** as I might talk I am just venting because my wife and I never fight. When we do we both just blow up and say all kinds of stuff. No we are not frequently intimate but there is more behind that then our marriage. My wife was a virgin when I met her and that is why I married her. But after we got married I soon realized there was a reason she was a virgin. She does not have much of a sex drive at all. (Something happened in her family that was really bad that I don't bring up ever) Our marriage is not rocky per say but just good or comfortable. We never fight. We both come home to each other. We watch the same shows etc. Sometimes I think we are just good roommates. But over the last 3 months I have been working really hard on myself and so has my wife and she has changed a lot of things. 

My problem with my sister in law is that I have tried to help her several times and the last 2 years I said no more. I told my wife she couldn't come over anymore and we talked about it and she said it was not fair that is her family. I said well what about how she talks down to me when she comes over, she makes my wife cry!


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

Bananapeel said:


> I can see both sides of the situation. You are a schmuck. But...you are dealing with a druggie and those types of people you need to instill boundaries with. Look, if you didn't want her around then you should never let her around. But if you agree to be around her for a vacation and she has a legitimate medical condition then basic human decency would dictate that you support her needs and the needs of your wife to care for her sister.


I never want her around but my wife and I disagree on this. I did say she could come with us on vacation and maybe I should have thought more about that before allowing her to come.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Ahusband said:


> My wife was a virgin when I met her and that is why I married her. But after we got married I soon realized there was a reason she was a virgin. She does not have much of a sex drive at all.


That, and, you know, she was 16.


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I had the same immediate reaction as I proceeded through the original post.
> 
> But my tune changed a bit as things progressed.
> 
> ...


What you said above about my sister in law is how everyone outside the situation around me talks. They think the same way I do. I had this conversation in a large room at a friend of mines house and some people were like oh hell no. Said that she brought all that on her self.


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

toblerone said:


> That, and, you know, she was 16.


My wife was 19 when I met her. She was in college. I am not sure where 16 came from.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Ahusband said:


> My wife was 19 when I met her. She was in college. I am not sure where 16 came from.





Ahusband said:


> About me: I am 39 years old live in Dallas and I have been married to my wife for 14 years. She is 32 years old and we have a beautiful daughter who is 3. We live in a nice neighborhood, I have a boat, a mustang, a truck, minivan and plenty of other Remote Control Toys etc. I am self employed and run two businesses. But at the same time I am drowning in Debt but that is another matter.
> 
> The story: I met my wife believe it or not on Yahoo Chat back when it was around 16 years ago. We met at Starbucks and then went back to her place. We got into the spa and it was time to make my move. She told me NO. I had slept with every girl I had gone on a date with except her. I knew she was a keeper and I couldn't let this one go. So 14 years later here I am married with a 3 year old. But sometimes I think what did I do.


Wife is currently 32 years old. You got married to her when she was 18.

You met her 16 years ago, that means she was 16.

You are 39 years old. You met her when you were 23.


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

toblerone said:


> you're right op, i bet the sil even planned to have that miscarriage just to ruin your day of fishing!
> 
> But seriously...
> 1. You're in the wrong.
> ...


That's another thing. My sister in law has been to the hospital 2 times in the prior weeks before we went and my daughter went both times so NO at the time I didn't see it as a problem of taking my child up there. She is with them all the time.


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

toblerone said:


> Wife is currently 32 years old. You got married to her when she was 18.
> 
> You met her 16 years ago, that means she was 16.
> 
> You are 39 years old. You met her when you were 23.


Yeah I am 39 and she is 33. She was not 16. I am not a douche bag. I would never date someone that young. When I met my wife I was a very strong Christian and so was she.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Like Bananapeel said, you can, and probably should set boundaries around SIL, i.e. no drinking, no partying, no stealing, no pot in your own home...or SIL can't take the kid(s) anywhere because of poor driving/addiction, etc.... Those seem to me to be totally reasonable boundaries with a true screwup like your SIL. Doing it now under this cloud just resonates as "I am pissed about you ruining my vacation and I am going to punish you for it".

Look, based upon her history you certainly don't need any excuses to distance yourself from SIL. And I would work on that.

But you can't just prohibit your W from seeing SIL or doing things with SIL. Eventually...maybe your W will see that the SIL is toxic and create the necessary distance herself. I wouldn't hold my breath on that though. 

You also need to stop trying to help the SIL. It would seem you have become one more of her enablers. When she wants real help she will let you know. But I wouldn't hold my breath on that either with as many FOO problems that group has going. 

As far as where to go right now with your W...I'd start with a little grovelling and a serious apology. 

As for your W's family...that is more problematic. You presumably knew what you were marrying into. Some level of acceptance of that on you part would probably help your blood pressure.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

If your SIL is an alcoholic/druggie you have a complete right to ban her from being around your kids. That is not something you need to negotiate with your wife. If I was in your situation I divorce over that and fight for full custody because your responsibility for your kid's safety outweighs everything else.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

You're using your sister in law's bad behavior to try to excuse your own bad behavior.

You have failed.

Miserably. 

In fact, your attempts to deflect the horrendous thing you did with the truck and the hospital by bashing her sister are almost if not worse than the act itself.

Even worse is that you continue to defend your actions, hoping to change the minds of internet strangers most of whom think you are completely wrong.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Ahusband said:


> That's another thing. My sister in law has been to the hospital 2 times in the prior weeks before we went and my daughter went both times so NO at the time I didn't see it as a problem of taking my child up there. She is with them all the time.


I'm sorry but there's nothing you can say to make it OK to me. I know you absolutely don't have to explain it to me at all, and you don't need my approval in anything. 

Sure, I would have been upset if I had been looking forward to doing something and plans got shot. But, you know, someone is in the hospital. I still will never not think it was a **** move on your part to drop your daughter at some hospital 5 hours away from where any of you live, so that you can do what you wanted.

You traveled 5 hours. I get it. But you were also at a hotel with your daughter and that could have been some really awesome daddy daughter time. You could have gone to the hotel pool. You could have maybe found some things to do close by in the area. You could have used that Uber to go to some park with her or something.

But you blew it.


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

NickyT said:


> My very first comment is this: Why did you "apologize" to your wife if you don't have any regrets about what you did? This is, at its core, a lie and deceitful. No matter what is going on, your wife deserves your honesty.
> 
> I don't agree with how you went about things.
> 
> ...


I apologized because I do feel that I could have waited longer for them to get back and I could have been much nicer to my wife about it and not have blown up on her. I had told my wife for 2 hours I was going to uber up there and pick up the truck around 11 if they were still at the hospital. I actually agree with a lot you say above. I could have gone about it different but I do have to ban her sister and though my wife is mad at me she did say last night that her sister is getting on her nerves. 

My sister in law is really bad. In some ways she was like me at some point in my life but I had help and got my self out of those situations. This was before I was married.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Is this the man you want to be? If it is get used to being alone or in dysfunctional relationships. No strong respectful woman will tolerate you selfish BS. A strong respectful woman wants to feel safe around you. She wants to feel that you have her back when she needs you. You use your balls in all the wrong places. You pull the truck and fishing **** but you don't have the balls to set valid boundaries on your SIL and her access to you daughter. In the little I have read you seem like a selfish SOB. I mean at a minimum take your daughter with you if you cannot be a loving and supportive husband for your wife at the hospital. She has every right to be pissed off.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Dude you have no right to unilaterlly "ban" her sister from your home, who the **** do you think you are?

You further justify it by saying "she was getting on my wife's nerves anyway".

You're a gem

{Do not use cute spellings to try to avoid the profanity filter. I fixed it. ~EleGirl}


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

It doesn't matter how bad your sister-in-law is. What matters is any woman having a miscarriage need support. Your wife wanted to support her sister. Well it's OK that you chose not to go to the hospital with them. Your understanding of the matter is not OK. In addition if you were going to go out water you should've taken your daughter with you. Two adults dealing with a medical crisis don't need a child will be born in a hospital. Then demanding your wife leave someone in need so that you can go fishing is not OK. Then being mad at her is not OK.

I actually have a nightmare family. So I understand the impulse to stay away from them. Setting boundaries at home will be OK. Refusing to bring your sister-in-law on your vacation will be OK. But treating someone with a medical emergency like a leper is not OK.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

toblerone said:


> I'm sorry but there's nothing you can say to make it OK to me. I know you absolutely don't have to explain it to me at all, and you don't need my approval in anything.
> 
> Sure, I would have been upset if I had been looking forward to doing something and plans got shot. But, you know, someone is in the hospital. I still will never not think it was a **** move on your part to drop your daughter at some hospital 5 hours away from where any of you live, so that you can do what you wanted.
> 
> ...


As sympathetic as I am to the OP, this is the one thing that really jumped out at me. No matter how mad I may be at my wife and her family, my first thought as to how to make lemonade out of this lemon of a situation would have been to make it the funnest daddy daughter day possible. I’m on the gulf coast—maybe we go for a spin on the boat together, maybe we go swim at the beach, or maybe we just cruise into town and get a big ‘ol plate of fresh caught gulf shrimp. Lots of options, all of which would have had my little miss right at the center of them.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Ahusband said:


> I said please come get me and take me to the water


Which you found wasn't, in fact, as thick as blood.

You screwed up. Regardless of what your SIL is like, your wife was rightly supporting her, and your concerns came off as whining because your vacation was "spoiled". Even for an insensitive oaf like me that's amazingly self-centered.

I'd say apologize well and repeatedly, but hell man, from your prior posts I don't think you want to be married to her anyways. Maybe this is as good a time as any to call it quits, if that's still what she wants to do.


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

Taking me a while to get through all the messages. I am having to use another whole monitor to keep up with all this. 

About my SIL: She is 30 years old. Last guy she dated for 4 years had just gotten out of prison for kidnapping. He beats the crap out of her at every turn and she always has a black eye. She comes to our house and tells us she fell down and stuff like that it is a complete lie. We all know it. Been fired from lots of jobs. Fully admitted to me she spends $35 a day on weed. I don't know what she spend on the other stuff she does but it is called X0's. Ecstasy and hydrocodone mixed in. She lived with us for a while and broke every rule in the house. I told her she had 30 days to get out. When the 30 days was up she was on the phone telling someone yeah he thinks he can kick me out cause he gave me 30 days but he is full of ****. When she came home from work that night the door was locked and she couldn't get back in. I changed the locks and everything. I am that way. I will give you every chance in the world. She would take our food, drinks, smoke weed in the house and the last straw was random guys coming over and staying the night and she was not even here when they were here. There would just be a guy that would come out of the room and go to the bathroom and were like where is SIL. Like what the heck. When I kicked her out I got a lot of crap for that. Her family hated me. But her dad finally got sick of it and kicked her out too. But he let her come back after about 6 months. 

Anyway it just made me so mad. The whole 5 hour drive was hey stop here so I can smoke. I had no idea she really smoked that much. When I am sitting in the parking lot and she is behind a trash can smoking weed and I know there is a baby in her stomach I am getting super mad under my skin. But I don't say anything. I just try to be real nice about it. I know it is just weed. But I know she does other stuff too and seeing it is a whole other thing. When she told me that the last abortion they took seaweed and stuck it up in her to kill the baby and she told me that it was the worst pain she had ever been in her entire life. I have a 3 year old daughter and I can't imagine killing her or doing something like that one day before the cut off. I't bothers her and I know it caused I asked her about it. But after that you get pregnant again and again. She gets pregnant all the time. We only know of what she told us but we know she has been pregnant more often then what we know but I am going on what I know. This stuff slowly builds up in me. One day it's one thing the next day something else. So I lost it when this happens. In my mind I was like I can't believe this is happening on vacation. My wife was actually supposed to go on the water for the first time with me. I should have mentioned that. I was so excited but I knew she wouldn't go now. 

What I am taking away from all this is this. 

1. I should have never let her go on the trip
2. By letting her go on the trip I accept all the responsibilities of what might happen. 
3. I did not support my wife and she had to choose between blood and her husband. 
4. I could have handled it better.
5. My wife should divorce me.
6. I am an A Hole


I agree with 1. I should have never let her go on the trip. But we were meeting family on the way down which she hadn't seen in 5 years so I let her come
I agree with 2. I never really thought about anything major happening really. She said she just wanted to stay in the hotel room a lot. But anything was better than being at home. 
I agree with 3. At the time I felt my wife was choosing her sister over her own family and leaving us. It has happened before but not this major. I am trying to figure out how to understand other peoples point of view on this. It is going to take time. 
I agree with 4. I could have waited longer. At the time I knew it took 40 min to get to the water. Once there it takes me about an hour to get to an oil rig and then I had to be back by 5. I was looking at 4 hours or so. I also didn't know how long they were going to be at the hospital.
Unsure about 5. Sometimes I think she should because she might find a better man. But at the same time my wife does not even have any friends and I don't want her to be alone. I really do love her but sometimes I am tough on love and have to make decisions in the household to keep things together. 
I do not agree with 6. If you met me in person you would never believe I am the person on the other end of this. I am that guy that stops on the freeway and helps people, I see someone running for the bus I pick them up and take them to the bus etc. Always been that way. I really don't see myself as an ahole. From the outside looking in I can see where this makes me look like an AHole but a part of me still believes that if you lived around someone like this for 13 years you might not think I made the right decision but at least I wouldn't be an A Hole.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Ahusband said:


> stuff


Thread: You acted like an *******.

You: But my Sister In Law, you guys!


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

Bonkers said:


> Dude you have no right to unilaterlly "ban" her sister from your home, who the F&^K do you think you are?
> 
> You further justify it by saying "she was getting on my wife's nerves anyway".
> 
> You're a gem


We actually brought this up in marriage counseling before and the Marriage Counselor said we needed set boundaries with her family and 100 % her sister should not be around our child or our home. We both agreed to not have her around because she is toxic but after a while she seem to creep her way back in.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

"After my wife was in the hospital with her for 4 hours I really expected her to leave and come take me to the water so I could enjoy my day."

People tend to have long memories for this type of thing. Maybe when you're in the hospital your wife will pick that day to go to Macy's or what not.

Life is what happens when you make other plans.


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

Tron said:


> Like Bananapeel said, you can, and probably should set boundaries around SIL, i.e. no drinking, no partying, no stealing, no pot in your own home...or SIL can't take the kid(s) anywhere because of poor driving/addiction, etc.... Those seem to me to be totally reasonable boundaries with a true screwup like your SIL. Doing it now under this cloud just resonates as "I am pissed about you ruining my vacation and I am going to punish you for it".
> 
> Look, based upon her history you certainly don't need any excuses to distance yourself from SIL. And I would work on that.
> 
> ...


I am certainly not banning her from seeing her sister. Not at all. I just said she can not be at our house. I actually truly didn't know what I was marrying into. I was young. I really thought I was just marrying my wife to be forever. But I do remember a few days before her brother said are you sure you want to marry into this family. I was thinking why would he say that. Now I know. 

Since I have been on here I have sent my wife a long email and said that I got on here and asked for opinions and people gave it to me. I apologized for some things. But then just as I sent her the email I get a call from a friend asking me to go fishing this weekend. (My wife is going to be at familys babysitting for the weeeknd) I said my stomach is in a not over this stuff not sure I would enjoy fishing. I said everyone outside the situation sees it like I do but her family and these people on the forum see it so different. He said dude her family is so messed up. I don't even know why you and your wife keep putting up with that girl. This has gone on far too long. I am now like ok what the hell. I am conflicted. I feel one way but am told to feel another.


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

"After my wife was in the hospital with her for 4 hours I really expected her to leave and come take me to the water so I could enjoy my day."

People tend to have long memories for this type of thing. Maybe when you're in the hospital your wife will pick that day to go to Macy's or what not.

Life is what happens when you make other plans.

John, 

I am her husband. I would hope she would never do that to me because I would never do that to her. She has also made it very clear to me after this that no matter who it is that needs help she will always be there for them in a time of need if they are in the HOSPITAL.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

In the old country the hierarchy is blood relatives then spouses. A lot of times it's first our blood relatives, then ourselves, then our husbands or wives. For a reason. 

In time of need past history is also temporarily suspended. Hopefully you and her can handle such things a bit more holistically next time.

Decades ago I had the same experience. A cousin, his Canadian wife, and their 4 year old were visiting our country. The 4 year old caught one of these stupid childhood virus infections and was sent to the hospital with 104F. Her mom could not be bothered and dumped the tot to my mother and me... Forty years later the family still talks about it...


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Ahusband said:


> I am certainly not banning her from seeing her sister. Not at all. I just said she can not be at our house. I actually truly didn't know what I was marrying into. I was young. I really thought I was just marrying my wife to be forever. But I do remember a few days before her brother said are you sure you want to marry into this family. I was thinking why would he say that. Now I know.
> 
> Since I have been on here I have sent my wife a long email and said that I got on here and asked for opinions and people gave it to me. I apologized for some things. But then just as I sent her the email I get a call from a friend asking me to go fishing this weekend. (My wife is going to be at familys babysitting for the weeeknd) I said my stomach is in a not over this stuff not sure I would enjoy fishing. I said everyone outside the situation sees it like I do but her family and these people on the forum see it so different. *He said dude her family is so messed up. I don't even know why you and your wife keep putting up with that girl.* This has gone on far too long. I am now like ok what the hell. I am conflicted. I feel one way but am told to feel another.


Have you ever heard the old saying about birds of a feather flocking together? You should expect your friends to think about things like this in a similar manner to you, like a **** head. So you have two guys who think like **** heads who think about it one way and _everybody else_ thinks about it another. Not that I'm calling you and your friend **** heads, just saying you both _think_ like **** heads.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@Ahusband 
My opinion is that at the vacation your actions were that of an *******. Everything else I'm with you.

Forget the posters telling that you have not right to ban your SIL from your house or having your daughter with her. YOU HAVE ALL THE RIGHTS to ban this woman from your house/daughter. As a matter of fact I would go as far as putting a retraining order against her to protect your child from the type of environment this woman could/might subject her, and/or make sure you have child protecting services aware that your wife is allowing her sister to subject your daughter to her drug environment; specially, if now your wife wants to dump you. Just be aware of all the possibilities that might be coming your way. Do not lay down thinking that everything is/would be cool. Be proactive not reactive.


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

Tron said:


> Like Bananapeel said, you can, and probably should set boundaries around SIL, i.e. no drinking, no partying, no stealing, no pot in your own home...or SIL can't take the kid(s) anywhere because of poor driving/addiction, etc.... Those seem to me to be totally reasonable boundaries with a true screwup like your SIL. Doing it now under this cloud just resonates as "I am pissed about you ruining my vacation and I am going to punish you for it".
> 
> Look, based upon her history you certainly don't need any excuses to distance yourself from SIL. And I would work on that.
> 
> ...





Nucking Futs said:


> Have you ever heard the old saying about birds of a feather flocking together? You should expect your friends to think about things like this in a similar manner to you, like a **** head. So you have two guys who think like **** heads who think about it one way and _everybody else_ thinks about it another. Not that I'm calling you and your friend **** heads, just saying you both _think_ like **** heads.


Some of these people I didn't even know. One guy stood up in the room he is a big dude. I was like oh ****. He said let me tell you something. I think you did the right thing. He told me give it some time and your wife might come to realize how much of a strain her sister in law and her family is going to tear up her own family. 

Another person stopped me mid sentence she is a lady I kinda know. She said what was your wife doing there after 5 hours anyway. I said I don't know. She said well where she should have been is with her family. 

Now my cousin had a different opinion on this as well. He said when you get married you take that other persons last name and make your own family. Your wife has never done that. She always puts you second when it comes to her family. Now you just know who she is really going to choose in the end. 

My dad who is the marriage counselor I never tell him anything because he will just start throwing all kinds of stuff at me good or bad. He is like me. He will take up for what he thinks is right. For real my dad is 100% Dr.Phil. My friends always say man Dr.Phil is just like your dad. I am like I know. So I didn't want to tell my dad thinking he is going to come down on me hard. But you know what he didn't. He actually said nope I think you did exactly what I would have done. When you let someone like that, her SIL intrude into your marriage and you don't set clear boundaries this is what happens. He said your wife is never going to let go of her family. She is trying to fix her family that can not be fixed and she has been doing it forever. Not only that he called my SIL work because she works with kids all day and is going to have her random drug tested which she is going to fail and then be fired. I said why did you do that. He said because what about all those parents that are trusting her to work with there kids all day and she is high and on pills. That is who I am thinking about. I am like **** here we go again. I don't want him to call her job and start more **** but then again he is right. He thinks like me. She is taking care of other peoples kids including mine during the day at a huge pre-school. 

Guy who owns a store next to me I gave him the story but without explaining anything about the SIL. He said damn Jason you are cold as ****. I said but let me tell you about SIL. After I did he said oh NO WAY Jason! I said yeah. He said she stayed with her the hole time. I said yes. He said that is enabling her don't she know that. So you see what I mean. This what I get over on my side but I am sure she is getting the exact opposite. I don't know how much of this is my friends being nice or being honest. But my friends don't tend to lie they will just straight up tell you like I do. 


See this is the stuff I am getting from my side. I could go on and on.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Ahusband said:


> We actually brought this up in marriage counseling before and the Marriage Counselor said we needed set boundaries with her family and 100 % her sister should not be around our child or our home. We both agreed to not have her around because she is toxic but after a while she seem to creep her way back in.


The key phrase being "we both agreed".

That's a lot different from



Ahusband said:


> When we got home I immediately banned her sister from coming to the house.


Look you can justify your actions and keep on about how and why you feel you were right, and you might convince a few more people on here to "take your side" but that won't stop your wife from divorcing you.


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> @Ahusband
> My opinion is that at the vacation your actions were that of an azzhole. Everything else I'm with you.
> 
> Forget the posters telling that you have not right to ban your SIL from your house or having your daughter with her. YOU HAVE ALL THE RIGHTS to ban this woman from your house/daughter. As a matter of fact I would go as far as putting a retraining order against her to protect your child from the type of environment this woman could/might subject her, and/or make sure you have child protecting services aware that your wife is allowing her sister to subject your daughter to her drug environment; specially, if now your wife wants to dump you. Just be aware of all the possibilities that might be coming your way. Do not lay down thinking that everything is/would be cool. Be proactive not reactive.


Wow yeah you know what this is actually going on behind the scenes. My dad that knows about this is very upset and said if he ever catches the SIL with my daughter again in her car he is going to have her pulled over and taken to jail for DWI with endangering a child. (My dad is a police officer) I said well for now it is not going to happen and think the wife and I are both in agreement on this. We both take ownership in this. 

I could have handled it better on the vacation I was just super pissed that once again my wife was missing in action because of her sister. That is really what it came down to. Take her shopping, pick her up cause she ran out of gas, her tire is flat, she totaled another car, she needs a job so my wife got her a job where she works knowing she is a druggy and now that is all fixing to hit the fan to. 

I tried to be proactive at the wrong time as someone else said. I should have let it be and then gone to the water afterward.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Ahusband said:


> Some of these people I didn't even know. One guy stood up in the room he is a big dude. I was like oh ****. He said let me tell you something. I think you did the right thing. He told me give it some time and your wife might come to realize how much of a strain her sister in law and her family is going to tear up her own family.
> 
> Another person stopped me mid sentence she is a lady I kinda know. She said what was your wife doing there after 5 hours anyway. I said I don't know. She said well where she should have been is with her family.
> 
> n.


What"room" were you in - telling apparent strangers this story -convoluted tale?


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Ahusband said:


> I could have handled it better on the vacation I was just super pissed


You were superpissed so you handled it poorly. You are STILL handling things poorly because you're wasting time on here justifying your actions by badmouthing your SIL which will get you nowhere.



Ahusband said:


> I tried to be proactive at the wrong time as someone else said. I should have let it be and then gone to the water afterward.


There's an irony here, do you see it? You go on and on about how you did the wrong things at the wrong time and you want to know something? You're STILL doing it!

You should be talking to your wife. You should retract your position about unilaterally banning her sister from the house. You should tell her you realized you're being unfair and only thinking about your own needs. You should do ALL of this without badmouthing her sister and using her poor behavior to justify your own. You should stop being a prick. 

Or, just keep right on going the way you have been, and you'll feel better about yourself and your actions but your wife won't be around patting you on the back.


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

Bonkers said:


> The key phrase being "we both agreed".
> 
> That's a lot different from
> 
> ...


That's the thing here. We both agreed to not to let her around but she crept back in. She only came back in because I don't have a say in the matter. I really don't. This is why we are where were are right now. I say I don't want her at the house and I get it is my family, they want to see our daughter.


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

Bonkers said:


> You were superpissed so you handled it poorly. You are STILL handling things poorly because you're wasting time on here justifying your actions by badmouthing your SIL which will get you nowhere.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Her sister shouldn't be around hell even she knows that. Truly that is a fact. Her sister and her dad are not to be trusted. Her dad had a wreck in the car with my daughter in it. Guess what her dad is picking her up again and taking her around. I have no idea if he is drunk. When they had the wreck they hit a brick retaining wall in a residential street and they all took off running back to the house they were at and left the car in the middle of the street. They all thought it was funny and embarrassing at the same time. Not to me. We recently started watching shameless and I am like oh my god that is your family!


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

sandcastle said:


> What"room" were you in - telling apparent strangers this story -convoluted tale?


Hey OP- 
Care to share?


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

sandcastle said:


> What"room" were you in - telling apparent strangers this story -convoluted tale?


I was at this ladies house that that lives next door to a friend of mine. There was about 8 people in there. All but 2 were on my side the other one was on the fence about and the other one just didn't say anything really. They were all arguing about it to be honest with there opinions and then once they all talked it out it was like no dude your were right. I was being talked about and I was in the room but they were arguing among themselves.


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

sandcastle said:


> Hey OP-
> Care to share?


Oh yeah sorry I am trying to be so vague so I don't give any names up and stuff that I said room. I should have said in a living room. 

Well it's Friday, the weekend and it is going to be nice so I am going to Lake Texoma to go fishing early in the morning with some friends of mine. They have been very supportive through all of this. My wife is going to be out of town baby sitting so she will be gone for the weekend.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Ahusband said:


> Oh yeah sorry I am trying to be so vague so I don't give any names up and stuff that I said room. I should have said in a living room.
> 
> Well it's Friday, the weekend and it is going to be nice so I am going to Lake Texoma to go fishing early in the morning with some friends of mine. They have been very supportive through all of this. My wife is going to be out of town baby sitting so she will be gone for the weekend.



Sounds like some kind of "meeting" rather than you just showed up at a ladies house for whatever reason- lemonade on the porch type of deal- 

And you walked into a room full of strangers and just barfed out your wive/SIL story

Is that where you made your fishing plans?

You may want to re-think your fishing obsession.

At any rate- hope you reel in a whopper this weekend!


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

Bonkers said:


> You were superpissed so you handled it poorly. You are STILL handling things poorly because you're wasting time on here justifying your actions by badmouthing your SIL which will get you nowhere.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


If you met her sister she is super nice. But if she thinks for one minute she can get one over on you she will. Let me just tell one more thing here. One time my wife broke her foot. She couldn't get out of bed. I come home and she said my sister just took a bunch of my pain pills and did it right in front of me and I couldn't do anything about it. My wife tells this story to people about her sister all the time but then turns around and is there for her. So I get confused here. Like what the hell. You were just talking **** about her the other day. 

I am not going to go tell my wife things that I don't feel. But I did apologize after being on here for some things. But I do believe that in this situation we are going to have to move past it and agree to disagree. (Wife and I) If it does end in divorce I will be devastated. But the truth is still the truth. She will just find someone willing to put up with it.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Ahusband said:


> We recently started watching shameless and I am like oh my god that is your family!


You're scoring some big points with her right there.


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

sandcastle said:


> Sounds like some kind of "meeting" rather than you just showed up at a ladies house for whatever reason- lemonade on the porch type of deal-
> 
> And you walked into a room full of strangers and just barfed out your wive/SIL story
> 
> ...


No they new I was upset. I didn't go home for 2 days. Was staying at the office. We started drinking some wine and my friend brought it up and they said what happen. I told the story. I swear we talked about this for an hour. Complete strangers for the most part. 

I don't have a fishing obsession but I work long hours. I own 3 business. I am stressed to the max most of the time and when it is time to have fun I like to have fun. I fly drones, I have a mustang which I race a lot, I go fishing in Florida, Galveston places like that when I can. 

2 weeks ago we were at the dock and a guy pulled in a 30lb Catfish on a crappie hook. I am like get out of here. Took him 15min to get it in. Almost broke his pole. I filmed the hole thing. Galveston trip wore me out on the water. I caught so many Snapper I couldn't even get the last one in the boat my arm was so tired.


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

Bonkers said:


> You're scoring some big points with her right there.


Ha she knows it is her family. She said I know. I mean that is her family right there for real. Her dad is in his 60's and drinks till he can't even walk. He has a house filled with arcade machines and is always trying to get us to come over and party with him.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Ahusband said:


> So I get confused here. Like what the hell. You were just talking **** about her the other day.


Because.. drum roll please.. it's her *SISTER.*



Ahusband said:


> But I do believe that in this situation we are going to have to move past it and agree to disagree. (Wife and I)


It's not about what you believe it's what your wife believes. At least, it matters if you don't want her to serve you with divorce papers.



Ahusband said:


> If it does end in divorce I will be devastated.


Is it worth being devastated just to have her sister kicked out of your house? When she does divorce you, her sister will be over there all the time, and they'll both be talking about what an A-hole you are. 



Ahusband said:


> But the truth is still the truth. She will just find someone willing to put up with it.


She'll probably find someone who is more accepting of her family. Someone who doesn't give orders and ultimatums such as "Your sister is banned from this house, it is my Command!"


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

Bonkers said:


> Because.. drum roll please.. it's her *SISTER.*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She will find someone that will accept all that stuff. But if you are willing to accept all that stuff what kind of person are you. 

I got to get off here.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@Bonkers keeps insisting: "You should be talking to your wife. You should retract your position about unilaterally banning her sister from the house. "

Do you have young children? Have you gotten the picture of what/who the SIL is? Do you have any idea what a drug addict environment is. The OP HAS ALL THE RIGHTS IN THIS WORLD TO BAN THIS WOMAN UNILATERALLY FROM HIS HOUSE. 

It doesn't matter if she's the wife's sister. If this is the way you think, and you were to be this child parent and you would allow an individual like this, to take her around on her drug runs, I would put child protecting services on you. How could you think this way are you daft?


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> The OP HAS ALL THE RIGHTS IN THIS WORLD TO BAN THIS WOMAN UNILATERALLY FROM HIS HOUSE.
> 
> It doesn't matter if she's the wife's sister. If this is the way you think, and you were to be this child parent and you would allow an individual like this, to take her around on her drug runs, I would put child protecting services on you. How could you think this way are you daft?


His wife has just as much say as to what happens in his house as he does, providing there is no imminent threat to the welfare of the child.

There are some guys that have a controlling nature. They just can't help it. To them, it's perfectly ok to lay down the law for no good reason other than "I'm pissed off". 

It might fly when the woman is a submissive and bows to her husband's every order and command no matter how trivial or unreasonable it may be, no matter that there was no discussion between the two of them prior to the issuance of said order. Some women just accept the instructions of their husband because they have no ability to think for themselves or they just have no backbone. 

His wife isn't one of those women, and rather than him realizing it and calming the freak down, and discussing things with her in a calm and logical way,he's escalating the situation by barking out angry orders and it's going to end with him being the one kicked out of the house and petitioning the courts for visitation time, while the sister in law ends up spending far more time with the child than he does.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@Bonkers. I completely disagree. The OP all he has to do is present to the court/child protective services his SIL dossier, and I would bet you she and/or her sister would not have a chance. I just wonder, do you have a bias against men?


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> I just wonder, do you have a bias against men?


I never really thought about that.


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## trueblue2017 (Dec 1, 2017)

Jason,

You want an honest opinion? The truth is, there are some really AWFUL statements in this post: 

"At 8:30 am I messaged my wife and asked her how much longer it might be. She said don't know. I said well please keep me updated because I would like to get out onto the water before noon." - - You had NO business asking how long it would be and this also shows you obviously know nothing about a woman's body, that's like asking a woman in labor "how long is this gonna take?" I FEEL for your wife if this is the level of knowledge you have with regards to her body. And to finish that sentence with "please keep me updated because I would like to get out onto the water before noon" is heinous and frankly, disgusting! I can't believe it came out of your mouth! I would be completely embarrassed to say such a thing. It sounds so completely selfish it's unheard of! How about please keep me updated babe, let me know how she's doing and how you're doing. I know this must be hard being there for her, watching her go through this....

"I messaged my wife back and forth from 8:30 till about 11:00 am. They were waiting on some test results and were not sure when they were going to get released. I said please come get me and take me to the water and drop me off." - - There are so many things wrong with this statement I don't know where to begin! First of all, she is in the hospital and you are blowing up her phone from 8:30 til 11??? That in itself is awful! Secondly, you aren't doing it out of concern for anyone, you are doing it out of shear selfishness. PLEASE COME AND GET ME take me to the water and drop me off? Are you serious? Like that ranks ANYWHERE in importance with her and her sister being at the hospital??? 

"My wife refused to come get me so I told her I was going to Uber to the hospital drop my daughter off and get the truck so I can go fishing. So that is what I did. They had to Uber back to the hotel when they were done at the hospital." - - Now, not only did your selfishness extend to your sis in law, your wife, but now to your daughter as well? You dropped your little one off at the HOSPITAL, exposing her to unnecessary germs, and putting her in the middle of a very emotional, family crisis with people crying, bleeding, in pain, and she is probably too little to even understand it all? They had to UBER back to the hotel after a miscarriage? This is horrible. Do you know how difficult it is to ride home after this? Nope, you don't. You don't know the bleeding still going on, trying not to bleed on the car seat, the severe pain and not being able to get in a comfortable position, the depression, the crying, the sadness, the just wanting comfort, and having to go through all of that in the back seat with a STRANGER??? Your lack of compassion is astounding. I think I would be more compassionate to a total stranger going through a miscarriage than you were. If my husbands EX WIFE - who I really can't stand more than anyone in this world - was going through this - and I was the ONLY person with a vehicle, but I had plans - I can honestly say I would cancel my plans to drive her MYSELF. 

"When she had a miscarriage in the early morning hours I felt bad for her but there was a part of me that didn't because she has done this to herself." - - Nobody WANTS to have a miscarriage. NOBODY. Maybe she was acting irresponsibly. Maybe she was drugged and not thinking clearly. Are you saying that because she had previous abortions that she was "asking for" a miscarriage? Or because she's a drug addict, she deserved it? Because it's pretty nasty to say she has done this to herself. Again, she needs HELP. ADDICTION DOES THIS even to GOOD PEOPLE!!!

"I truly believe that the reason people are so hooked on drugs today is because people enable them" - NOT TRUE. Drug addiction is a nation wide crisis. Even wealthy, successful people become addicted to drugs, it is because drugs are highly addictive, powerful substances. Yes, people may enable addicts, when they are a close family member it is VERY hard to draw that line. But that is not WHY people become addicted to drugs. It is a sickness, and you don't think clearly when you are addicted. I have known some wonderful, caring people who have done horrendous things when addicted, who have hurt and stolen from their own, the people they love the most. Be glad that you are blessed NOT to have had this touch your life directly, and I pray to GOD some day that your daughter doesn't have to go through addiction. If she did - would you feel this way about her? Like she is worthless and doesn't deserve your compassion? 

"After my wife was in the hospital with her for 4 hours I really expected her to leave and come take me to the water so I could enjoy my day. It's enough that her sister messes with my life back home but on my vacation no way." - - Hmmm MY day. MY vacation. MY boat. MY fishing trip. MY house. MY kid. YOUR POOR WIFE. I can't believe she lasted this long with this level of selfishness! You EXPECTED her to leave and come take you to the water, during a major CRISIS? What about YOUR daughter? She is YOUR responsibility. And you should have been there to watch her, for as long as your wife needed under these circumstances. It is YOUR wife's decision when she's had enough and when it's time to cut her family member off, not yours. And you need to be there to support her decision. Obviously, you agreed to let her come, so you weren't there yet either. And if you truly were, then you should have been honest with your wife and not brought her. Even if you WERE out of town during your vacation, and this happened and she needed to go BACK to town to be with her sister through this - and she needed you to watch your child and you couldn't go on the boat - she would be justified! Either way, in this situation, YOUR BOAT and YOUR FISHING TRIP takes a BACK SEAT - PERIOD! 

"How can my wife stay by her side and cry for her on our vacation that we brought her sister on and leave me and my kid at home with nothing to do" - - Because, good or bad, family is family! They're the only family we have in this ONE life we have to live. And there are certain times that you need to be there for your family, and your wife felt that this was one of those times. Addiction is a disease and part of it is selfish, sure, but lots of families go through it and you don't necessarily abandon your sister because she is an addict. You are talking about things like "vacation" and going "fishing" - while this woman was going through a terribly traumatic experience - which is INCREDIBLY painful by the way, emotionally awful, and also very dangerous and can be life threatening, something that you can't possibly comprehend. POOR BABY that she "left you and your kid at home with nothing to do!" Go FIND SOMETHING to do with your kid! Call Uber and take her to a local park and spend the day with her! Go to the water and fish from the land or a pier. You are a GROWN MAN, it is not HER responsibility to find you "something to do" with your kid on your vacation! Life doesn't STOP because you're on vacation!!! 

"She said she will never leave a family member that is in need laying in a hospital bed. She said that she never thought I would do something like that." - - GOOD FOR YOUR WIFE!!! One day we will all be old, we will all be on our death bed. And I can guarantee you, you won't be thinking about the times you didn't get to go fishing! You will be thinking about who you wronged in life, making amends before you go, who has been there for you through thick and thin. Your wife sounds like a compassionate and good person, and you can be glad your daughter has at least ONE parent in her life that she can count on to be there with her through thick and thin - and who won't judge her when she makes mistakes in life - because she's GOING TO - and who will love her unconditionally, regardless of those mistakes! I'm not saying that your wife should continue to enable her sister, but there's a time and a place for everything. And during a miscarriage is NOT a time to cut her off. If your wife had done that FOR YOU, can you imagine the resentment if, God forbid, something awful happened to her sister and she had hemorrhaged and bled to death! Because that is a very real possibility in miscarriage! 

You wanted honesty, you got it. How do you get through this without a divorce on the table? I'm afraid you don't. I'm afraid that everything in your story to the very end points to extreme selfishness, even your half-assed apology is a joke because you still stand by your actions. And who wants to stand beside someone who isn't there for her in her time of need? Life throws all kinds of things our way, and your child is young, just WAIT until she starts exploring and experiencing things - none of us are untouchable - drugs can affect ANY one of us, good or bad. It's in times of NEED and DESPAIR that one shows what they're REALLY MADE OF - and I'm afraid you just showed her EXACTLY what you're made of.... and it wasn't pretty! We get to pick ONE person to go through this life with, to make the unbearable more bearable, to make the pain a little less painful, to help us on this journey that can sometimes be wonderful and other times, difficult and heartbreaking. And you're lucky if you find someone to get through it with together, someone who will stand by your side, in good times and bad, in sickness and health. Sounds like YOU found her. Unfortunately, she did NOT.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

@trueblue2017 nicely put but I'm afraid it will fall on deaf ears and you will be accused of male gender bias. 

But others may learn from it.

Also you should use the "quote" function not putting quotation arks around the words you are quoting and then adding your words in between it's very difficult to see who is writing what. 

Or at the very least, change the color of the font in your responses.


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## trueblue2017 (Dec 1, 2017)

Bonkers said:


> @trueblue2017 nicely put but I'm afraid it will fall on deaf ears and you will be accused of male gender bias.
> 
> But others may learn from it.
> 
> ...


Thanks Bonkers for the pointer on the use of quotes. I just joined today and was having difficulty using the "go advanced" function to get colored fonts, because then I can't see the original post to refer back to it when writing... am I doing something wrong? It seems when I "go advanced" I can no longer see the post I'm responding to? Thanks again! 

Also, how did you do the tagging @trueblue2017? When I use the @ before a username, it doesn't seem to tag the person?


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

trueblue2017 said:


> Thanks Bonkers for the pointer on the use of quotes. I just joined today and was having difficulty using the "go advanced" function to get colored fonts, because then I can't see the original post to refer back to it when writing... am I doing something wrong? It seems when I "go advanced" I can no longer see the post I'm responding to? Thanks again!
> 
> Also, how did you do the tagging @trueblue2017? When I use the @ before a username, it doesn't seem to tag the person?


If you click "quote" rather than entering text in the empty box, you will have the post you are quoting right there in your reply box along with the "tool box" that gives you the ability to change fonts and all of that. You can remove unwanted parts of the post you are quoting, add quote tags around pieces of text, and/or change font colors. When you're finished, you can copy the entire new post without ever posting it, go back to the thread, and you can do the same thing with yet another post and paste in your finished work, and in that way you can multiquote and respond to several posts, in one large post. 

You did correctly tag your own username in the very post you were asking about it.


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## trueblue2017 (Dec 1, 2017)

Bonkers said:


> @trueblue2017 nicely put but I'm afraid it will fall on deaf ears and you will be accused of male gender bias.
> 
> But others may learn from it.
> 
> ...


 @Bonkers - Oh, it does work!!! Also, funny thing is, I'm the least feminist-type female there probably IS ...this really has NOTHING to do with gender to me. More to do with human decency.


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## trueblue2017 (Dec 1, 2017)

Bonkers said:


> If you click "quote" rather than entering text in the empty box, you will have the post you are quoting right there in your reply box along with the "tool box" that gives you the ability to change fonts and all of that. You can remove unwanted parts of the post you are quoting, add quote tags around pieces of text, and/or change font colors. When you're finished, you can copy the entire new post without ever posting it, go back to the thread, and you can do the same thing with yet another post and paste in your finished work, and in that way you can multiquote and respond to several posts, in one large post.
> 
> You did correctly tag your own username in the very post you were asking about it.


 @Bonkers - Thank you so much! Great tips!!! Much appreciated!


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Ahusband said:


> Yeah I am 39 and she is 33. She was not 16. I am not a douche bag. I would never date someone that young. When I met my wife I was a very strong Christian and so was she.


Sooooo, when you met your wife you were a "very strong Christian"? Yet you also claim to have banged every woman you got with except her.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

trueblue2017 said:


> @Bonkers - Oh, it does work!!! Also, funny thing is, I'm the least feminist-type female there probably IS ...this really has NOTHING to do with gender to me. More to do with human decency.


The funny thing is, that the other poster asked me if I have a gender bias towards guys since I seem to have an issue with the Ops controlling behavior towards his wife who is on the verge of divorcing him and yet he's completely clueless. 

But here's the thing-I don't have my gender listed- but I'm a guy. 

Tell me that's not hilarious :grin2:


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## trueblue2017 (Dec 1, 2017)

Hahaha hilarious!!! That's great!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bonkers said:


> His wife has just as much say as to what happens in his house as he does, providing there is no imminent threat to the welfare of the child.
> 
> There are some guys that have a controlling nature. They just can't help it. To them, it's perfectly ok to lay down the law for no good reason other than "I'm pissed off".
> 
> ...


LOL... Perhaps you might want to find a different soap box to stand on while you try to fight for the rights of women.

I am a woman. Anyone on here who knows me knows that I'm 100% for women's rights .. or perhaps better put, equal rights for all.

But your argument is just nonsense. We are talking about a drug addict and prostitute hanging our the OP's children. He has every right to say that a drug addict &prostitute cannot enter his home and be around his children.

If I were he, I'd document, document, and document and then see a lawyer and prevent the SIL from having any contact with my kids ever. Not only that, I'd call the cops on her if she came to my home.

Have you ever dealt with the sort of person his sister-in-law is? I have. I let them know that if they came near my home or my kids I'd call the cops.. well actually I did call the cops on them.

That said, the OP was an ass when it came to his SIL's miscarriage. If his wife wants to give her sister emotional support during her miscarriage, I see no problem with that. His wife is an adult and can make her own choices.

I also see no problem with his wife taking a taxi or uber home. Geez, she was not stranded... she had transportation. But maybe that's because I'm an independent woman and have no problem taking care of myself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ahusband said:


> Some of these people I didn't even know. One guy stood up in the room he is a big dude. I was like oh ****. He said let me tell you something. I think you did the right thing. He told me give it some time and your wife might come to realize how much of a strain her sister in law and her family is going to tear up her own family.
> 
> Another person stopped me mid sentence she is a lady I kinda know. She said what was your wife doing there after 5 hours anyway. I said I don't know. She said well where she should have been is with her family.
> 
> ...


So you are going around talking to rooms of people, many of whom don't even know you? Really? You are talking behind your wife's back to all these people?

I get your not wanting your child around your SIL. 

But you have no right to tell your wife that she cannot be supportive of her sister.

There were in the hospital for more than 5 hours? That most likely means that there were complications. And all you could do is bug your wife about her giving you a ride so you could go boating?

Then you way that you are so worried about your children around your SIL. But you leave your daughter at the hospital so you could go boating? Really? You left your daughter to witness what a woman goes through in a miscarriage? You had the chance to take care of your daughter and keep her away from all that. I really don't get why you could not have taken your daughter boating.

You had an obligation to spare your daughter the trauma of watching a woman who is having a miscarriage. Boy did you fail your daughter.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

OP, I do not mean this as a direct insult to you. I am very blunt.

I loathe the word "Neanderthal" being used on this forum, or at all, but your choice of timing and behavior in this entire instance is about the most apt display of it I've ever read here. It's actually inconceivable what some of the things you did, were.

The fact that the miscarriage disrupted your boating outing is not in question, it sucks when our best laid plans are disrupted. But you maintained a very selfish and over the top attitude, despite knowing that your wife was trying to help her sister through a very DISTRESSING (physically and emotionally) ordeal. Sisters' past be damned, no one asks to go through a miscarriage. Her actions and lifestyle choices are not for you to use as a guage to then judge whether she's more worthy of attention / resources than you and your trip. The fact she needed medical care compared to you automatically makes her the priority.

And I agree with others that you should have taken your daughter with you. Your wife had her hands full and your daughter didn't need to be a witness to a traumatic event. I also think the fact they had to take Uber home is again selfish of you. Yes, they aren't stranded, but who wants to go home in a STRANGERS car after a MISCARRIAGE? That's just cold IMO, but maybe I have a different opinion of Uber than others. And the cherry on top was saying that's the last time the sister is allowed in the house. The timing was optimal for a "kick her while she's down" approach.

I'm not sure how analytical of a mind you may be, but I'd seriously ask you to run through the series of events in your mind, truthfully, and honestly say to yourself whether you could have used a bit more restraint and tact.

Not everyone and everything is out to ruin your happiness. I hope your trip was enjoyable.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Jason, 

I get your frustrated, i get she (SIL) spoiled your vacation for you, i get your wife sides with her family over you, i get you are angry with the way her family cuddles their druggie daughter but let's be honest here, you like a guy trying to put out a fire with lighting fluid. You have so many issues here and the approach you have taken is to address them all by acting like a selfish jerk...hey i get where you were going with this but i want you to consider the following, understand i have not read your other post threads. 

1. your marriage, if take her sister out of the picture, your marriage needs work, your communication with your wife is almost non-existence, sure you talk but you talk pass each other. let's be honest here you invited your SIL along so you could concentrate on fishing and not feel guilty you were out on water alone while your wife and daughter were back at the hotel or shopping alone...

2. Yourself. you a bit immature, you like to blame others for their short falls but you yourself have some short falls that you need to investigate and deal with. Being selfish is one of them.

3. your daughter, you need to realize that your daughter needs a great relationship with her father as does a son to a father, and i say even more so. 

4. Her family. Guess what if this is the first time you hear this I'd be surprise, "blood is thicker than water", you married her you married the family, and yeah they are messed up but guess what your wife is cut from that same cloth so you better understand that her behavior isn't going to change over night. I bet there are things about your family your wife does not like. In dealing with your SIL you need to deal with this as a team...you and your wife and you need a professional to help you both understand that your daughter safety comes first, instead you were using your daughter as a pawn in your argument to prove your point rather than for the legitimate concern fro your daughter well being...that is just sick.

Your behavior in Galveston was that of a little boy who wasn't able to play with his boat....here is another startling realization "S^*T Happens" the best laid plans get screwed up, get over it...your wife was where she had to be. The bigger man would have said you be with your sister and i will take our daughter and go into town and walk around and meet up at the hospital later. that is what a real man would have done, that is what a real dad would have done, created memories for his daughter to remember and for you to appreciate those moments, because Jason let me tell you as a father of girls those times are too fleeting and you never get them back. 

so you need to owe your crap. you need to sincerely apologize to your wife, daughter and yes your SIL.

you need couple therapy but you also need to examine yourself as well...seriously because i promise you this, if this behavior does not change you will lose your marriage, you will lose your relationship with your daughter and your wife may very well allow your daughter to spend more time with SIL, and that could lead to the worst tragedy. But you can't even fix that until you fix yourself and your marriage. Stop trying to digest the entire cow.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

LOL. Who are you _kidding_ that you were all disappointed because you '_wanted to spend time with your wife and your kid_' and you were deprived of that due to the hospital drama?

You wanted to get the boat in the water and go* fishing*, so stop trying to paint yourself as Father and Husband of the year whose ONLY concern was to spend quality time with his precious family. If that were actually true, you would have kept your kid with YOU and spent some quality time doing something with her that didn't include a fishing pole. Instead, you thought nothing of having her tag along with your wife and SIL to the hospital just because she's done it in the past. You were on vacation and you claim you wanted family time, so THAT was your perfect opportunity to spend time with your kid. Seriously, you're SUCH a hypocrite.



Ahusband said:


> So, if you have read this far along you are probably thinking I am a piece of crap.


Yes. Yes I am.

I don't care HOW big a ****-up your SIL is. And quite honestly, she IS a ****-up who uses abortion and miscarriage as her method of contraception so please kick her hard in the ass for me for being such a complete and utter loser. HOWEVER, you acted self-centered and immature, whining like a freakin' child and stomping your feet about wanting to get in the water. And to expect your wife to just up and leave her sister in a strange hospital in a strange city JUST so she could deliver your *precious* truck to you makes you look like a douche with a capital Bag.

Every single time someone here has called you on your ****, you go into this huge dissertation about what a monster your SIL is. Or you regale us with tales about how everyone you talk to agrees that you had a valid reason to act the way you did.

What is the *point* of posting if all you're going to do is continually deflect, NOT own your ****, and blame-shift everything onto your SIL? 

What's the freakin' point?


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> We are talking about a drug addict and prostitute hanging our the OP's children. He has every right to say that a drug addict &prostitute cannot enter his home and be around his children.


If she's doing drugs and having sex in front of the child then it's a child endangerment issue and he is within his rights to have her removed from the residence- but I didn't see that in his posts, only that she "has a history". 

Just because he might disapprove of her choices in life doesn't mean he gets to unilaterally decide whether she enters the home, he gave up that right when he got married and elected to share a home with his wife. It's her choice as well.

Besides, what it really comes down to is this- she's getting more angry with him and if she decides to divorce him, he'll be the one gone and SIL will be over the house on a regular basis, and there won't be a thing he can do about it unless she does something to endanger the child AND someone sees it and is able to make a case for it. If he's gone, who will be around to do this?

So it's a matter of tact and diplomacy- which means talking through the situation, trying to get wife to realize the SIL is a bad influence on the child and she's disrupting the household and causing strife, or whatever reasons he can come up with to convince the wife she is not welcome, and the two of them agreeing that she cannot come to the house or on vacation or whatever. That's FAR different then him saying "SHE IS NOT ALLOWED IN THIS HOUSE!" That sort of attitude will only lead to greater problems.



EleGirl said:


> I also see no problem with his wife taking a taxi or uber home. Geez, she was not stranded... she had transportation. But maybe that's because I'm an independent woman and have no problem taking care of myself.


You're defending his actions- he went to the hospital, took his truck to GO FISHING after the sister had a MISCARRIAGE and left them on their own to get home. I have no words except to say this has nothing to do with "being an independent woman".


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> Read some of his other posts and you will see how his marriage is.His wife disgusts him and he prefers friends to take care of his daughter rather than look after her himself.
> And just as an aside,he was twenty three when he started sleeping with his now wife.
> She was sixteen.


Love how he calls abortions killing 3 kids but was raping a 16 year old at 23. Roy Moore's cousin?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Herschel said:


> Love how he calls abortions killing 3 kids but was raping a 16 year old at 23. Roy Moore's cousin?


That was clarified-she was not 16. But that’s okay, I understand you’re need to jump on anything without vetting it so you can break out another partisan attack. I think there’s a job at ABC waiting for you.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Ahusband said:


> *Fully admitted to me she spends $35 a day on weed. I don't know what she spend on the other stuff she does but it is called X0's. Ecstasy and hydrocodone mixed in.
> 
> She lived with us for a while and broke every rule in the house. I told her she had 30 days to get out. When the 30 days was up she was on the phone telling someone yeah he thinks he can kick me out cause he gave me 30 days but he is full of ****.
> 
> ...





Bonkers said:


> If she's doing drugs and having sex in front of the child then it's a child endangerment issue and he is within his rights to have her removed from the residence- but I didn't see that in his posts, only that she "has a history".
> 
> Must not have looked to hard then. It was pretty easy to find.
> 
> ...


OP,

You are a **** for how you handled the situation. That being said you should have set better boundaries a long long time ago. The fact that you didn't is what led you to the situation you find yourself in now.

I would suggest that you start carrying a VAR on yourself at all times. Catch your SIL talking about the drugs and all the other garbage going on. Get a restraining order against her. If that fails, call the cops everytime she shows up at your residence. Do whatever you can to get all the legal dirt you can on her. You are under no obligation to put up with this utter **** sandwich. **** THAT!

I would also be making moves towards divorce as your wife is a drama addict and a huge enabler of your SIL ****ed up lifestyle. Put an end to that garbage. You may not want a divorce, but it's better that living in a drug infested rathole brought on by someone with absolutely no regard for anyone but themselves. Keep your mouth shut and keep your cards close. Do not show your hand.

You can't and don't control your wife actions. You can however have boundaries and consequences for crossing those boundaries.

Drug addicts that have a system of enabling around them will not learn. I know from experience. I have a brother I would rather crack his skull than be within 20 foot of. He less than dirt and will never have a redemptive quality until the day he dies. I wouldn't piss on him if he was in fire. Not even after he hit rock bottom did he change. Instead he continued his rotten ways and became more of a scum bag criminal.

Best of luck to you.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Windwalker said:


> Must not have looked to hard then. It was pretty easy to find.


I went back and read the entire thread again. I didn't see anywhere that they did drugs in front of the child or had sex in front of the child. Perhaps you can take a moment of your valuable time and provide a link to such a post.



Windwalker said:


> Not only wrong, but dead wrong. She is undeniably a legal risk to have around.


I don't see hard proof that the drug using, prostitute sister is "undeniably a legal risk to have around" nor has that been proven in a court of law. You seem to be basing your statement on her acting in a neglectful or abusive way around the daughter and I don't see that- and I'm not including the SIL operating a motor vehicle with the child inside because that matter has been addressed and corrected according to the Op who did clearly state that his wife was in agreement on that point. 



Windwalker said:


> Well judge, please tell us how 50/50 split of marital assets gets thrown out the door in this case. I was under the impression that laws mattered. Lol.


If they divorce odds are high she will be given primary custody and exclusive use of the marital residence, he will be living elsewhere and have visitation, that's how it usually works although there are sometimes more positive outcomes for the dad, but it's rare.



Windwalker said:


> He's fighting a battle he can not win. He is better off to document EVERYTHING and turn it over the CPS and hope they put a stop to it. He also needs to file for divorce right after he has his SIL ass thrown in jail for being a drug addled loser.


He can't win because his methods are horrible. Although he has gotten cooperation from his wife in the past, such as the agreement not to let SIL drive the daughter around, he screwed up royally with the whole hospital-truck-fishing thing and now his wife won't agree to anything and is contemplating divorce as I understand it. Yes he should make child services aware of the situation but that's not an end-all solution either. Once child services gets their hooks in, you're at the mercy of a third party state organization staffed by sometimes incompetant 9 to 5ers that screw it up all the time. There are horror stories about the child services organization such as the children being completely removed from BOTH parents and placed in foster care, and it's just not something you can count on being done correctly. He is much better off working with his wife rather than against her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bonkers said:


> If she's doing drugs and having sex in front of the child then it's a child endangerment issue and he is within his rights to have her removed from the residence- but I didn't see that in his posts, only that she "has a history".
> 
> Just because he might disapprove of her choices in life doesn't mean he gets to unilaterally decide whether she enters the home, he gave up that right when he got married and elected to share a home with his wife. It's her choice as well.
> 
> ...


If what the OP is saying about his SIL is true, and it were me instead of he, I would have already gotten a restraining order against the sister. He stated that she SIL does drugs around his children and even drives them around when she is high on drugs. She is a danger to his children. If you are ok with people like this around your children, that's your business. 



Bonkers said:


> You're defending his actions- he went to the hospital, took his truck to GO FISHING after the sister had a MISCARRIAGE and left them on their own to get home. I have no words except to say this has nothing to do with "being an independent woman".


Yea, I have no problem with him taking the truck and his wife and SIL taking a taxi or Uber back to the hotel after the hospital stay. I have often lived in places where taking a taxi (and now Uber) was the normal way to get around. I have a brother who lives in LA who often takes Uber places because it's just easier than driving. My mother had 8 children . She did not drive. There were times that she took a taxi to the hospital when she went into labor because that was the only transportation available and my father was not around. 

If I were the OP's wife, I would have told him to take the truck and take our daughter boating so that at least she was not subjected to what was going on in the hospital. And yes, I would have taken a taxi/uber back to the hotel.

You are entitled to your opinion. I am entitled to mine. Get used to it.

My problem is with him leaving his young daughter at the hospital for is wife and SIL to take care of while the SIL is in the middle of a miscarriage. That was not in the best interest of the child. He should have taken the truck and the child and gone fishing. That way his child would have been spared an traumatic event at the hospital.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Ahusband said:


> *Anyway it just made me so mad. The whole 5 hour drive was hey stop here so I can smoke. I had no idea she really smoked that much. When I am sitting in the parking lot and she is behind a trash can smoking weed *





Bonkers said:


> I went back and read the entire thread again. I didn't see anywhere that they did drugs in front of the child or had sex in front of the child. Perhaps you can take a moment of your valuable time and provide a link to such a post.
> 
> Post 35 of this thread. 3rd paragraph. I quoted it again for you. Just like I did the first time. "Hide behind trash cans so the SIL can smoke weed on the way down to the coast for the vacation."
> 
> ...


There ya go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bonkers said:


> I went back and read the entire thread again. I didn't see anywhere that they did drugs in front of the child or had sex in front of the child. Perhaps you can take a moment of your valuable time and provide a link to such a post.


In one post, the OP stated that his SIL smokes pot when the children are with her. He also stated that his wife allows the SIL to drive their children around when she's is high on drugs.




Bonkers said:


> I don't see hard proof that the drug using, prostitute sister is "undeniably a legal risk to have around" nor has that been proven in a court of law.


I'm pretty sure that the OP has not told us all that info he has on the SIL and all the things that she has done while in his home and while his children are around the SIL.

My experience with drug addicts/users is that they every often have illegal drugs on their person. That means that when they are in your (generic "you/your") home, they have drugs on them. A drug user bringing drugs into your home puts everyone in the home at risk should anything happen and the cops show up.

If that ever happens, the OP and his wife are at risk of having their children removed from their home.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

@Windwalker

The posts you quoted say nothing whatsoever about smoking weed or having sex in front of the child.

If every parent who smoked weed in the garage or behind garbage cans or elsewhere which is out of sight of their children who were home at the time, or who kept weed in the home, had their children taken away- there wouldn't be enough foster parents for all of them.

Yes technically it's illegal to possess or smoke weed in a person's own home in most states- not all by the way, it's become legal in some areas; but to say a person should not be around children because of smoking or possessing weed in the home, is completely over the top even if it's true in a "legal" sense. It's beyond reason and common sense. It's like saying if you ever drive over the speed limit with a child in the car your parental rights should be revoked.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Ahusband

You stated that your father is a retried cop, right? Surely he still has cop friends.

If your SIL ever drives your kids around again while she is high, get on your dad's cop friends to pick her up for something like erratic driving. there are test that they can do to prove that she's high, right? Plus she just might have illegal drugs on her.

In my experience, the best way to help a drug addict is to help them hit rock bottom. Getting the cops in their life can often be the best thing for them.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> You are entitled to your opinion. I am entitled to mine. Get used to it.


I'm not put off by you having the opinion that it was perfectly ok for him to go to the hospital and take the only means of transportation and leave them there to find their own way home a few hours after the sister had a miscarriage, I just find some opinions to be rather.. surprising. 



EleGirl said:


> I'm pretty sure that the OP has not told us all that info he has on the SIL and all the things that she has done while in his home and while his children are around the SIL.


How can you be pretty sure of that? Maybe he's exaggerating what she's done to justify his own overblown reaction? 



EleGirl said:


> My experience with drug addicts/users is that they every often have illegal drugs on their person. That means that when they are in your (generic "you/your") home, they have drugs on them. A drug user bringing drugs into your home puts everyone in the home at risk should anything happen and the cops show up.


You might be surprised to know that there are LOTS of parents who smoke weed and have weed in their homes.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Ahusband said:


> . I told her that her sister was never to drive around our daughter again because she is high when she does it. My wife had been letting her sister do this and was even taking our daughter over to another house to smoke and babysit and my wife let it happen.
> 
> Jason





Bonkers said:


> @Windwalker
> 
> The posts you quoted say nothing whatsoever about smoking weed or having sex in front of the child.
> 
> ...





Bonkers said:


> You might be surprised to know that there are LOTS of parents who smoke weed and have weed in their homes.
> 
> That's their decision, their consequences. The OP however has a problem with it and the drug addict that's attached to said drugs. He has every right to enforce boundaries that he finds are in his best interest.


Just to be perfectly clear. I personally don't have a problem with weed. I don't do it. And for the record, for the most part I would rather be around a pot head than an alcoholic any day of the week.

The problem is that not every pot head is a harmless individual. Many are in fact into much harder drugs and criminal activities and morally reprehensible acts.

This SIL is a drug addict and a thief and a mooch.
She needs her ass booted to the curb.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bonkers said:


> I'm not put off by you having the opinion that it was perfectly ok for him to go to the hospital and take the only means of transportation and leave them there to find their own way home a few hours after the sister had a miscarriage, I just find some opinions to be rather.. surprising.


I also find some opinions rather surprising. For example I find it surprising that it's terrible for a person to take a taxi/uber. They are simply another form of transportation. There are times when people prefer taking taxi/uber because it relieves them of having to drive. I would think that after hours in the hospital with something as traumatic as a miscarriage, it would be a relief to not have to drive... to have someone do that bit of a chore for you.

Again, if I were his wife, I would have told him to come get the truck and take our daughter out on the boat. My issue would have been him adding drama to a bad situation by blowing up my cell phone, whining that he wanted to go out on the boat and then leaving my child at the hospital for her to witness the trauma of a miscarriage. Taking a taxi/uber would have been the least of my issue. But that's me and I'm pretty self reliant and would be more concerned about my sister and my child than a pouting husband and whether or not I got to keep the truck and take a taxi.



Bonkers said:


> How can you be pretty sure of that? Maybe he's exaggerating what she's done to justify his own overblown reaction?


You are right. He might be exaggerating. I've been on forums decades now. One thing that is pretty much universal is that people never give all of the information... how could they? It's a limited format. They leave stuff out. And they often exaggerate or exaggerate/embellish to justify their actions. But in the end, all we have to go by is what they state. So we have to go with that.

See, my suggestions are for what he does if what he is saying about his SIL is true. And they work if he is exaggerating/embellishing too, because if he is he will know that he's full of **** and can never get the evidence needed... so he needs to stop the exaggerating.

Now your advice? If is SIL is as bad as she is, you have just told him that he has no right to protect his children and for him to just allow his drug addicted, prostitute SIL to be around his children, babysit them, drive them around high, etc. That's not cool at all.




Bonkers said:


> You might be surprised to know that there are LOTS of parents who smoke weed and have weed in their homes.


Yes there are lots of parents to do that. But the OP stated that pot is not the only drug she is taking. He states that she uses much stronger drugs. Clearly you are ok with drug addicts who use drugs stronger than pot around your children. That's your business. Some of use are not.

I have had the misfortune to have to deal with people in my life who are drug addicts and there comes a point when cutting a drug addict out of your life is the best way to keep your family safe and even to help them. Al-Anon and other organizations that help family members of drug addicts advise this because sometimes it's the only way to deal with the issue.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

I got to say Ahusband this may not be the finest moment in your marriage but to get a divorce over it seems like a huge overreaction. Is she really pushing for it? I have stories from my first marriage that make this look like a complete joke. Stuff that's easily worse than this. Stuff I should have gotten a divorce over that I didn't because I was weak and didn't want to disrupt my life. My first marriage was truly a nightmare. If this is the worst thing that's happened it would be a shame if you can't get past it.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Based on the info proffered by one of the people involved in this immature, ridiculous excuse of PARENTING.

Get a divorce- 

May the SIL **** all over the next marriage and the OP can fish his brains out.

Poor kid.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> I've been on forums decades now. One thing that is pretty much universal is that people never give all of the information... how could they? It's a limited format. They leave stuff out. And they often exaggerate or exaggerate/embellish to justify their actions. But in the end, all we have to go by is what they state. So we have to go with that.


No, you don't always have to take everything that is posted by a person at literal face value, lots of times it's clear that they are not speaking truthfully or that their perception is warped and respond accordingly. At least, I can. 



EleGirl said:


> Now your advice? If is SIL is as bad as she is, you have just told him that he has no right to protect his children and for him to just allow his drug addicted, prostitute SIL to be around his children, babysit them, drive them around high, etc. That's not cool at all.


I've been around forums long enough to know that posters are often misquoted such as you have done. I didn't say he has no right to protect his child, I'm saying that he can do a better job protecting her if he's around, as compared to being kicked to the curb by a wife who won't follow his demands that she considers to be rulings issued by a dictator. She's cooperated in the past, it's clear he just needs to deal with her more effectively so the obstacles due to her family bias can be overcome. Demanding the sister be banned from the home and vacations without any input from his wife will not accomplish his goals, it will simply build resentment and lead to the downfall of his marriage- and since you have been a forum poster for many years I'm fairly certain you'll agree that the man almost always loses access to the family home and gets only a fraction of the time with his child as he had before. By pursuing these strong arm tactics he will accomplish nothing and lose big time. 



EleGirl said:


> Yes there are lots of parents to do that. But the OP stated that pot is not the only drug she is taking. He states that she uses much stronger drugs. Clearly you are ok with drug addicts who use drugs stronger than pot around your children.


Look what you did there. You took two unrelated statements "The Op says the sister uses much stronger drugs" and combined it with another statement "around your children" to read "The Op uses stronger drugs around the child" even though the Op never said such a thing, only that she smokes weed behind garbage cans or in the garage when the child is home. 

Don't know if you're intentionally playing word games to try to make your point stronger or whatever, but you're pulling things out of a hat that were never there. 



EleGirl said:


> I have had the misfortune to have to deal with people in my life who are drug addicts and there comes a point when cutting a drug addict out of your life is the best way to keep your family safe and even to help them. Al-Anon and other organizations that help family members of drug addicts advise this because sometimes it's the only way to deal with the issue.


I completely agree with you. Unfortunately, his wife does not.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

@Windwalker

It's very difficult to quote your posts because of the odd way you include other members posts within your own posts, so they can't be directly quoted in a response. So rather than going through the painstaking process again, of cutting and pasting to show where you continue to be wrong I'll just reply to your statements without quoting them again.

For all practical purposes, in states where marijuana is legal, the federal government will not prosecute an individual for using or possessing. It's like saying the speed limit is 55 and people who go 58 should be ticketed. Yes, but it won't happen so it doesn't need to be considered as a reasonable possibility.

First you say that the SIL smoked in front of the child then when you cannot actually find a link that supports your claim because it doesn't exist, you simply change it to "well she smells like weed". I think that's known as "moving the goal posts" or somethng. 

Then when I point out that there are many, many household who have parents who smoke weed you say "you don't care" as if that's the end of the debate. "I don't care" really doesn't do anything to bolster your side of the debate if anything it makes you appear rather foolish.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bonkers said:


> No, you don't always have to take everything that is posted by a person at literal face value, lots of times it's clear that they are not speaking truthfully or that their perception is warped and respond accordingly. At least, I can.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Your posts on this thread are becoming a thread jack. It's one thing for you to post your own opinion. It's quite another to turn a thread into you telling everyone else that they are wrong and you are right.

The OP is well aware of your opinion on his situation. 

I suggest you stop the thread jack.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Bonkers said:


> @Windwalker
> 
> It's very difficult to quote your posts because of the odd way you include other members posts within your own posts, so they can't be directly quoted in a response. So rather than going through the painstaking process again, of cutting and pasting to show where you continue to be wrong I'll just reply to your statements without quoting them again.
> 
> ...


I like to comment directly within a quote so that the person I am responding to is clear of what I am saying. I'll do you a favor and post the same thing twice so you can quote it. 


Well, as far as federal government not prosecuting in states that have legalized, we may just see a change in that. First it's never been attempted before. Second, we also haven't had an USAG push the issue. We may just be at that tipping point and see it happen. State law will lose. As numerous Supreme Court rulings have determined that federal law supercedes state law. 

The speed limit comment is a logical fallacy. Try going 1 mph over in a state with zero tolerance. You WILL get a ticket depending on the mood of the officer. There is no "SHOULD BE" in the equation. In many many cases you will get a ticket, and best case scenario inconvenienced with being pulled over. 




Post 1 paragraph 11 for the second time. 

"I told her that her sister was never to drive around our daughter again because she is high when she does it. My wife had been letting her sister do this and was even taking our daughter over to another house to smoke and babysit and my wife let it happen." 

No moving the goalposts there at all. The OP has said more than once that the SIL uses illicit drug in the presence of his daughter. I don't give a lilly damn if the daughter saw the crack pipe in her mouth or not. If that's the whole basis for your argument "that the daughter didn't physically see her hit the pipe", then that's a pretty weak argument. So, for a little experiment, go smoke you a big fat bowl and then put the pipe in your pocket and go strike up a conversation with a cop. Let us know how that works out for you. If I had to guess, you would get detained and asked to empty your pockets on suspicion of possession of a controlled substance. 


Lol. Because it is the end of the debate. I don't care how many smoke it. See this is the part you seem to be tripping over. You see, it really doesn't matter the morals of the situation, or if half the world thinks it's ok to smoke pot. All that matters is that this man does not want the SIL drug addict around his daughter. Full stop! End of discussion! 

You want to smoke? Go ahead, smoke pot until you're blue in the face for all I care. I really don't, but don't sit there and try to make a justification for his SIL because "many people smoke pot" it's doesn't work. All that matters is her actions as an individual. 

She is a drug addict, a thief, and a mooch. All documented by the OP.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

@Windwalker

I could easily refute every statement you made however a moderator has asked that I discontinue what is perceived to be a threadjack. Besides you didn't post anything new, you're just saying it differently.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Bonkers said:


> @Windwalker
> 
> I could easily refute every statement you made however a moderator has asked that I discontinue what is perceived to be a threadjack. Besides you didn't post anything new, you're just saying it differently.


Refute away.
Right here.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/politics-religion/403433-drug-addicted-sil-repercussions.html


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Yep-

OP and the wife managed to pit you all against each other and engender animosity within the community.

Shame- because all of those involved in the side argument are really bright and have opinions/ life experience that is useful.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

@sandcastle 

It's really not all that bad


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is the last warning to stop the thread jack. From here on out, reply directly to the OP or not at all. 

Those who ignore this warning can look forward to a time-out ban.

{speaking as a moderator}


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> That was clarified-she was not 16. But that’s okay, I understand you’re need to jump on anything without vetting it so you can break out another partisan attack. I think there’s a job at ABC waiting for you.


So sayeth Fox News on the side of defending the indefensible. Next you’ll tell me Hitler really did donate money to that orphanage. 

My bad man, I was posting from my phone and for some reason it didn’t show more than 1 page. But, you got his back...gj


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I read the entire thread. I doubt OP will return. It sounds as if he had more than he could take of the truth.

All I can say is I feel very sorry for his child. He wants to go fishing, so screw everyone else. No matter what. Even his daughter.

Sad, sad, sad.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I see two issues. One is that you never set up boundaries as the head of your family. So why should your wife expect you to behave any differently NOW and have rules?

So you were a nice guy, letting her do what she wanted with her family and now suddenly you become the strong man who does what he wants? 

Not surprising they're now flabbergasted.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ahusband said:


> My wife and I have been married for 13 years. She loves her own family a lot even though it is one of the most messed up families. But her family has come between us too much. I got to tell what happened. I am posting this on here because she feels one way about what happened and I feel another way. I want honest opinions.
> 
> Me, my wife, her sister in law and my 3 year old daughter all drove to Galveston Texas for a 3 day weekend. I pulled a boat down there about a 5 hour drive from Dallas and was super excited to get out in the ocean and go fishing. We only took one truck with the boat. The night before my wife and I planned that she would take me and drop me and the boat off at the water at 9:00 am and then her sister and my daughter would go shopping the rest of the day.
> 
> ...


Lacking empathy, hence no guilt, no regret. No judgement though - as I can understand why, would have switched off my empathy too with someone like that in my house. I don't tolerate rude people under my hospitality, I don't see why you or anyone should either.

In my mind I would have done the same thing, in action though, I would have thought more about the consequences. If you did give it a think, you made an error, you miscalculated your wife and her family's reaction. Your sister-in-law is the way she is through their enabling. I'd say you did right by banning her from the house. However, your wife seems to be very attached to her family.

When you marry someone, you marry into the family, if it is to be till death do us part you need to be able to find a compromise with them and your wife. There's no way around it. I would divorce, but that's just me.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Herschel said:


> So sayeth Fox News on the side of defending the indefensible. Next you’ll tell me Hitler really did donate money to that orphanage.
> 
> My bad man, I was posting from my phone and for some reason it didn’t show more than 1 page. But, you got his back...gj


Just as you were wrong about the young woman's age, you are wrong about me defending Moore. I did no such thing. The point was that there was no need to introduce Moore into this discussion, but you just had to anyway. 

You post was driven by partisan disgust, mine merely pointed that out. Anybody who took it as a partisan response is mistaken.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Herschel said:


> Next you’ll tell me Hitler really did donate money to that orphanage.


Godwin's law still lives


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