# 14 years of marriage coming to a seperation



## Nacho2022

Hello all,
We are going to be seperation at the end of the month. The straw that broke the camel's back is incredibly painful, but I have to admit that our relationship has been toxic and rife with codependency for a long time now. We are waiting because our teenage son was recently released from a psych hold, that happened the day that I told her she needed to leave and go to her mom's house. I don't have much of a support network, and I would like to be able to talk to people that understand what this process is like and hopefully be able to vent about emotions and the current back and forth that I feel regarding reconciliation. I look forward being able to help out where I can.


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## Evinrude58

The devil is in the details, my friend….
Sorry you’re here. What was that straw and who is the toxic and codependent one, or both?


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## Nacho2022

Honestly it was both of us that were toxic. But it didn't start out that way. We married very young with not alot of experience under the belt. And instead of enforcing boundaries when they got broke both of us decided that leaving and not separating would be better for the kids. SURPRISE! We were completely wrong. Basically we played a back and forth game of hurt, then resentment, then controlling behaviour. The straw that broke the back was a few months ago, there was a very serious argument between me and my son, which lead to me leaving the house for a few days to cool off. When I felt like we had both had enough time to talk calmly about the situation My wife basically told me she wasn't ready for me to return. 6 weeks later input my foot down and said that I was coming back regardless of what she said. She didn't agree and decided to not come home, I freaked out that I was losing my family, left a goodbye video and planned on never returning. She lost it thinking I was going to commit suicide (would never happen I have lost great friends to suicide) and said I could stay. She saw that as soon as I was back home the behaviour of the kids was much better and the steps I had taken to improve myself therapy wise were starting. From what I understand she was set on ending the relationship, but didn't know how to tell me that it was over, so she reverted to the resentment/revenge cycle of our codependency, and ending up cheating on me with her friend, in a incredibly hurtful way. I responded by snooping on her phone while she slept off her hangover, and found out she was either trying to start or began an emotional affair with a former love interest. I did the wrong thing and acted the same way I have before but asking for commitment, and trying to convince her that I needed that to able to trust her. She has been non committal, and said that she betrayed me because she knows the relationship is toxic and felt the need to blew up relationship to end it.


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## BeyondRepair007

Nacho2022 said:


> Honestly it was both of us that were toxic. But it didn't start out that way. We married very young with not alot of experience under the belt. And instead of enforcing boundaries when they got broke both of us decided that leaving and not separating would be better for the kids. SURPRISE! We were completely wrong. Basically we played a back and forth game of hurt, then resentment, then controlling behaviour. The straw that broke the back was a few months ago, there was a very serious argument between me and my son, which lead to me leaving the house for a few days to cool off. When I felt like we had both had enough time to talk calmly about the situation My wife basically told me she wasn't ready for me to return. 6 weeks later input my foot down and said that I was coming back regardless of what she said. She didn't agree and decided to not come home, I freaked out that I was losing my family, left a goodbye video and planned on never returning. She lost it thinking I was going to commit suicide (would never happen I have lost great friends to suicide) and said I could stay. She saw that as soon as I was back home the behaviour of the kids was much better and the steps I had taken to improve myself therapy wise were starting. From what I understand she was set on ending the relationship, but didn't know how to tell me that it was over, so she reverted to the resentment/revenge cycle of our codependency, and ending up cheating on me with her friend, in a incredibly hurtful way. I responded by snooping on her phone while she slept off her hangover, and found out she was either trying to start or began an emotional affair with a former love interest. I did the wrong thing and acted the same way I have before but asking for commitment, and trying to convince her that I needed that to able to trust her. She has been non committal, and said that she betrayed me because she knows the relationship is toxic and felt the need to blew up relationship to end it.


@Nacho2022 
Wow, you guys really are a match made in heaven, huh?

Looking back on this train wreck, is there a point in time that it went wrong, but if he/she had done x instead of y, you might not have went down this road?

I think it probably would have went south no matter what because neither of you understand how to deal with conflict. Inflicting pain on the person you ‘love’ because they hurt you is a never-ending cycle that ends with somebody being an adult, or else it ends in divorce court.

I wonder also, was this relationship really more of a struggle for power & control on both your parts?


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## Nacho2022

Yes there are things that if she wouldn't have done that would have made things differently. And I am sure she could say the same about me. I only point out the bad things because right now she seems very set on the seperation. We had some very great times and periods as well. The whole idea of seperation was something that I was honestly blind sided with. At this point I really feel that while our problems could be overcome with some intense MC, and a huge amount of work in IC, she doesn't think that is possible while we are in close proximity. I understand why she feels that way, but I also know that same amount of space is going to make the both of us more open to the idea and possibility of being with other people. This train wreck is terrible one, and I know we have to move on, but it is terrifying and lonely to not have someone there that I cares for me. I am not sure it was ever a battle for control, but our relationship definitely rhymed with that. Co-dependency is a hella of a drug that I am trying to get sober from.


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## BeyondRepair007

Nacho2022 said:


> Yes there are things that if she wouldn't have done that would have made things differently. And I am sure she could say the same about me. I only point out the bad things because right now she seems very set on the seperation. We had some very great times and periods as well. The whole idea of seperation was something that I was honestly blind sided with. At this point I really feel that while our problems could be overcome with some intense MC, and a huge amount of work in IC, she doesn't think that is possible while we are in close proximity. I understand why she feels that way, but I also know that same amount of space is going to make the both of us more open to the idea and possibility of being with other people. This train wreck is terrible one, and I know we have to move on, but it is terrifying and lonely to not have someone there that I cares for me. I am not sure it was ever a battle for control, but our relationship definitely rhymed with that. Co-dependency is a hella of a drug that I am trying to get sober from.


Yea, probably best to put this one behind you. Any kids other than the one teenage boy? Is he going to develop into a normal human because of all this? I assume he is under some intense therapy?

I was friends with a couple that just seemed to love to fight. All.the.time. About anything. It was their thing and I think they really liked it that way, but it went too far and now they are divorced. Both remarried, both happy.

Once you cheat on each other, there's a foundational piece that's destroyed. That takes a LOT of work to put back together.


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## bobert

Separation or not, you should still get IC for yourself. If you don't a lot of these issues will likely follow you into your next relationship.


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## wmn1

Nacho2022 said:


> Hello all,
> We are going to be seperation at the end of the month. The straw that broke the camel's back is incredibly painful, but I have to admit that our relationship has been toxic and rife with codependency for a long time now. We are waiting because our teenage son was recently released from a psych hold, that happened the day that I told her she needed to leave and go to her mom's house. I don't have much of a support network, and I would like to be able to talk to people that understand what this process is like and hopefully be able to vent about emotions and the current back and forth that I feel regarding reconciliation. I look forward being able to help out where I can.


Why are you separating ?

She cheated and now you are giving her space (perhaps to cheat more) and you keep reconciliation in the cards ? 

Sounds like a losing solution to me.

You are wasting time, emotional effort on a failed situation.

Just end it already


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## Diceplayer

Nacho2022 said:


> it is terrifying and lonely to not have someone there that I cares for me.


Glad to see that you are thinking about yourself. Geez, I can't imagine what your kids are going through living in that mess. Might be a different story if you were to put others first.


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## thunderchad

There's a whole lot of immaturity on both parts here. Leaving a good bye video? Come on man!

Get your act together and start working on yourself. Emotional stability should be your #1 goal right now.


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## Nacho2022

thunderchad said:


> There's a whole lot of immaturity on both parts here. Leaving a good bye video? Come on man!
> 
> Get your act together and start working on yourself. Emotional stability should be your #1 goal right now.


You are absolutely right! I am working on it we are 9 days passed the event with the end of the month scheduled for the seperation. We decided that welcoming our child back into a more familiar environment was best after intense discussion with his therapist. I am currently in IC for the issues that I have to heal from. I don't think that sugarcoating anything and trying to make myself into a good guy is going to help me gather the strength to do what needs to be done. I really appreciate all the feedback everyone has given me this far. One step at a time I plan on becoming a person that is better than the person I have been.


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## jlg07

Nacho2022 said:


> This train wreck is terrible one, and I know we have to move on, but it is terrifying and lonely to not have someone there that I cares for me.


Having someone who cheats on you to INTENTIONALLY hurt you and get you to leave them --- DOES NOT CARE for you.

This really seems like the toxicity has reached death levels.


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## Nacho2022

I have really got to agree with you. It has been a huge blow to me. But everyday I feel like I am recovering little by little. I really look forward to getting some breathing room so that I can truly focus on myself and be able to take off the mask that I have agreed to wear. I appreciate your honesty and brutal truth. I feel like hearing a ton of perspectives that don't have all sorts of emotional baggage and obligations attached is the brutal truth, one that I have been manipulated into denying by her successful attempts at isolating me, as well as my own failed attempts at self actualization. Thank you for the perspective!


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## Nacho2022

_unattributed reply deleted for clarity_


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## Beach123

Does she work? You want her working if you are divorcing.

Too much toxic interaction = just end it and learn what a healthy relationship should look like.


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## Nacho2022

Beach123 said:


> Does she work? You want her working if you are divorcing.
> 
> Too much toxic interaction = just end it and learn what a healthy relationship should look like.


Yes she does, she actually makes more money than I do now. I was the primary breadwinner while she went back to school to get a degree, shortly after completing her degree I had a catastrophic work injury that took me out of commission for over a year. I returned to full time work last year. I agree about ending it. I don't really believe that the seperation is going to be anything but a step towards divorce, but for right now I am ok with calling it that for the sake of the kid. _Edit_ As far as learning what a healthy relationship looks like I plan on doing that starting with the relationship with myself, I have a lot to learn about how to treat myself with respect. Once I feel that I can do that correctly I know that someone will come along that can add to my situation, but right now I feel the need to heal before adding someone else to the picture*


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## Nacho2022

Diceplayer said:


> Glad to see that you are thinking about yourself. Geez, I can't imagine what your kids are going through living in that mess. Might be a different story if you were to put others first.


I types this up in a post but forgot to hit reply before starting over ...


I actually typed out a long paragraph to respond to you, and as I was writing I realized that you are right. I let my own insecurity about being alone and having to try to raise the kids in the healthiest way I can come in the way of doing what it is right. The best advice I have ever heard was the most valuable thing a person can have is an objective view of themselves, thank you for helping to get there one piece at a time.


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## wmn1

Beach123 said:


> Does she work? You want her working if you are divorcing.
> 
> Too much toxic interaction = just end it and learn what a healthy relationship should look like.


yes this. It reduces his liability in divorce too


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## Shay_Dogg77

Thank you for being honest on here. I am going through separation after 16 year relationship, 9 yrs married. I have always been a sensitive dude so I understand the emotional side of things. Does sound like it will be for the best though to move on. Hang in there, keep busy!


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## Marc878

You are correct. Most often separation is a prelude to divorce.


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## Nacho2022

Shay_Dogg77 said:


> Thank you for being honest on here. I am going through separation after 16 year relationship, 9 yrs married. I have always been a sensitive dude so I understand the emotional side of things. Does sound like it will be for the best though to move on. Hang in there, keep busy!


Shay, I don't feel like at this point I owe anything less than complete honesty to my self. It's a tough one thing to know that something I have had for nearly half my life has died, now it is time to plan and prepare for the funeral. Hopefully with time I can learn to look forward to the future. Right now the future seems like a breath of fresh air, like I am under ice and I can see where I will be able to pop up for a breath. It's chilly cold and dark, but with some more struggle I'll get the first respite.
I am sorry to hear you are in a similar situation, I hope that you can hold your chin up high and take any blows that need to be taken. You got this brother!


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## Marc878

Go online and check your phone bill.


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## Nacho2022

Marc878 said:


> Go online and check your phone bill.


Been there, proof is in the pudding. Can't unscramble eggs. I plan moving forward with the seperation, and the eventual divorce. Our relationship is plagued with toxicity, and it has taken my dumbass this long to come to terms with it. She has shown exactly 0 remorse, and I am trying to come to terms with the fact that if she did, it wouldnt work out long term anyways.


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## Marc878

Nacho2022 said:


> Been there, proof is in the pudding. Can't unscramble eggs. I plan moving forward with the seperation, and the eventual divorce. Our relationship is plagued with toxicity, and it has taken my dumbass this long to come to terms with it. She has shown exactly 0 remorse, and I am trying to come to terms with the fact that if she did, it wouldnt work out long term anyways.


You are correct. Life is short. Don’t waste it. Under the circumstances the faster you move the quicker you’ll get to where you need to be. Short term pain will get you long term gain.


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## Marc878

Nacho2022 said:


> Been there, proof is in the pudding. Can't unscramble eggs. I plan moving forward with the seperation, and the eventual divorce. Our relationship is plagued with toxicity, and it has taken my dumbass this long to come to terms with it. She has shown exactly 0 remorse, and I am trying to come to terms with the fact that if she did, it wouldnt work out long term anyways.


Read up on no contact. It’s your only good path. Just because you have a child together you can achieve a limited form. Know two with younger kids that do a great job at limiting contact. 
If you don’t you’ll just keep yourself in limbo longer. That choice is up to you.


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