# Marriage and effection after children



## ab1244bow (Apr 23, 2013)

I love my wife and two children dearly, but I am struggling to come to terms with our lack of affection and our virtually non-existent sex life. We have two children - 4yrs and 1yr. We have always co-slept with our children and we were still co-sleeping with our first child when the second was born. We are still co-sleeping with our daughter and my wife has just finished breastfeeding our youngest. This obviously has had an effect on our sex life but I feel it runs deeper than that. We have only had sex maybe three times in six years. I'm quite and affectionate person but unless I go over to my wife for a cuddle or a kiss I would not receive any affection from her. In six years she has only given me a cuddle or a kiss in a handful of times or when we have had family issues where we need each other for support.

I don't feel like I can bring up the topic as I don't want my wife to feel pressured to be over affectionate or to feel pressured into sex. I know that I should be able to but I just don't feel like I can. I guess I need to stop worrying about it and just talk about it.

We do have fairly large workloads and we work quite a bit in the evening. As soon as I get home from work I give all my time to the kids until they go to bed as I always miss them terribly at work!

I have absolutely no intention of not being with my wife and the fact that I love my children means that I could never leave the relationship as that would have a huge impact on them. It's not something I have ever considered.

If anyone has any advice, it would be massively appreciated.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Do you and your wife ever go out on date nights? My thoughts... The kids are filling her need to be close to someone. She's fully in mother mode. Until that changes, this is your life. You could try the "Married Man's Sex Life Primer".

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ab1244bow (Apr 23, 2013)

We live a fair distance from family and we live quite remotely so it's very difficult to get someone to have the children while we go out. I have arranged this on special occasions such as birthdays and anniversaries. Thanks for the suggestion I will look into that.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How much time do you spend focusing on just each other? No TV, no work, no kids in your laps... I'm guessing you guys have lost the emotional connection, which means the loss of intimacy. You could also try "His Needs, Her Needs" and read through it together. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

ab1244bow said:


> We have two children - 4yrs and 1yr.
> 
> We have only had sex maybe three times in six years.


Wow! So 2 of the 3 times you conceived your 2 kids. And the third time....was that trying for a 3rd child? :scratchhead:


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Also, get BOTH kids out of your bed. They need to be in their own beds at that age. That is just one step in the right direction.


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## ab1244bow (Apr 23, 2013)

OK thanks for the ideas. To be honest we don't get that much time in the evenings and that is obviously something I need to work on. I do often try to suggest that we have nights off away from the work but due to the nature of our jobs we often have things to do that can't be pre-planned. I'm certainly thinking that I need to try a little harder to make the most of our evening time together, more than I am trying at the moment


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## ab1244bow (Apr 23, 2013)

SW, thanks for the ideas also unfortunately we lost one in between our two children (. My wife is a little reluctant to get our youngest out of our bed. I guess I'm my own worst enemy as I do like having her in there. We are both suckers for wanting to watch our children sleep and wake up with them next to us. Although of course our eldest hasn't done this for a year or so.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sex 3 times in *6 YEARS?!?!*

Listen to the above posters. Get the kids out of youe room NOW

Spend time with just the 2 of you

Change this now before this becomes your life!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If you aren't even willing to talk to her for fear of putting any amount of pressure on her, then no; there's nothing you can do about it. Sure it can be fixed, but it won't happen by magic. You have to be willing to do something about it. Your general attitude about the whole thing is very likely why you're sexless in the first place. How very disappointed your wife must be. She needs a leader, a man to take charge. And instead she gets a man who won't even talk to her because he doesn't want to push her out of her comfort zone.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Sex 3 times in *6 YEARS?!?!*
> 
> Listen to the above posters. Get the kids out of youe room NOW
> 
> ...


This IS his life and he needs to fix it because it won't fix itself.


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## ab1244bow (Apr 23, 2013)

Thanks everyone, I've found this extremely useful. We've had so much praise from our school about our children and how fantastic they are that I didn't want to rock anything in the home that might affect that. I'm certainly looking at things that I need to deal with that perhaps I have been putting aside.

Thank you!


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

Your children are not wonderful because you sleep with them at night. If they are wonderful, it's because you are nice parents. They will still be wonderful in their own beds. 

I don't think co-sleeping is always a bad idea, but it seems to be a bad idea for you. You have no time to husband and wife, just mommy and daddy. 

I'm a little aghast that you've only had sex a few times in so many years and yet you don't want to bring this up to your wife????

You guys need to have time to be married people and not just caretakers. The kids need to be in their own beds and you need a few hours each night to be by yourselves.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

ab1244bow said:


> Thanks everyone, I've found this extremely useful. We've had so much praise from our school about our children and how fantastic they are that I didn't want to rock anything in the home that might affect that. I'm certainly looking at things that I need to deal with that perhaps I have been putting aside.
> 
> Thank you!


If your kids are going to be in the bed, TAKE your wife in another room while they are asleep, or go into the bathroom for a quicky, something you can do while being responsible to the children.

You can also schedule a hotel stay and use a baby sitter.

Plan supervised activities for the children and take your wife at home while they are at the activity.

When there is a will there is a way.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

three times in six years? Are you afraid of sex or petrified of your wife.

Initiating sex may help. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want and expect to get it.


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## ab1244bow (Apr 23, 2013)

Thanks everyone for your help. We had a long talk the other evening and I think we were both relieved to be talking about how we can spend more time together. We are both quite shy so sometimes I think we forget that we both need to just find some time to talk it through. I feel much happier! I think we were both putting the kids first all the time but it was nice to avoid work completely.

Again thanks for all your suggestions!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

A wife knows she is being a bad wife, she knows you are tolerating this, and she knows you are swallowing your needs. She knows she is dominating you in making your needs come last in the marriage. It's very likely that a man will swoop in eventually have the courage to take what he needs from your wife... You want that guy to be you, right?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

during breast feeding I felt like I never got a chance to NOT have a body draped on me, over me, beside me... Sex was the last thing on my mind. Now that your wife has weaned the baby, she'll have less demands on her body and be more ready to meet your needs.

Asking for what you want is the only way to get it.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Come on over to my house to see your future. I promise, if you both don't stop and put your relationship's needs at the top of the list, all these things you both highly value now will be destroyed.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

ab1244bow said:


> Thanks everyone for your help. We had a long talk the other evening and I think we were both relieved to be talking about how we can spend more time together. We are both quite shy so sometimes I think we forget that we both need to just find some time to talk it through. I feel much happier! I think we were both putting the kids first all the time but it was nice to avoid work completely.
> 
> Again thanks for all your suggestions!


I recommend you both read many many stories here so you have a shared understanding of what a failure to stay connected can eventually lead to. 

I suspect many people here didn't know where the were headed, even though they were on this train. Open your eyes and hers, while you still give a damn about each other.


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## Jonathan35 (Feb 28, 2013)

There is a saying that the first child destroys the woman and the second child destroys the marriage. There is some truth in that unless you do things to avoid it from happening. Not a big fan of "date night". I can't think of anything more pathetic than forcing yourself to do something like go on a date. My guess is that backfires more than it helps. Find something you both enjoy doing that has nothing to do with the kids and go do it (jogging, volunteering, driving, etc.). Something you would do on your own regardless if she came along. Hard part is finding that thing.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Jonathan35 said:


> Not a big fan of "date night". I can't think of anything more pathetic than forcing yourself to do something like go on a date.
> Find something you both enjoy doing that has nothing to do with the kids and go do it (jogging, volunteering, driving, etc.).


I believe that is called a Date.


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