# TAM paranoia



## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

I've been regularly visiting the forum for a couple of months now and I'm starting to wonder if all of the stories are starting to affect me in my own relationship. 

Everybody here is so quick to jump to suspect infidelity for marital issues that I feel like I have thoughts that wander there even though I have no reason to even suspect it.
Also, the amount of trolls on this site, and the difficulty in distinguishing between them, is adding to the problem a great deal and many are really losing their faith in people. 

Has anybody else ever noticed this in their own experience?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes.

If a person stays here for a some time they need to work on maintaining a balanced point of view. It's not always easy.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Stay away from the CWI section unless you can handle it and detach successfully


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Like Elle, I have to say, Yes.

Mental health issues seem to be on the increase in our Society, and there are some who trawl the internet for support forums, like this one, with the sole purpose of causing trouble. 

Misery loves company, and the pay off for these people is honing in on and exacerbating other people's issues rather than working on their own.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Yes I actually took a 6 month break when I couldn't separate the stories here from real life.

These days I have a balanced point of view and when I start to feel even the slightest bit icky I walk away BEFORE it gets to me.


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

I am new here, so maybe it isn't really affecting me the same way yet. I would think that maybe it's due to the fact hat infidelity does happen often, and it is usually one of the most difficult issues to deal with.

I struggle in my marriage, but I have zero concern that there is infidelity. Who knows, maybe that will change over time as I browse this site. I certainly hope not.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

Yes for me also. I did have to develop a thicker skin. I had to not read some sections, then naturally started reading and replying when ready.

As far as the trolls, at first I wouldn't even read a suspected troll thread, but quickly learned that the troll posts aren't as important to me as the replies. It is not time wasted since the majority of the thread is reply posts from real people. I just take from it what I need that helps me in life and disregard all else. I likewise post in all without worry if I think it may help someone out there in a similar situation.

And yes, sometimes I have to take a break from it also.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I'd like to just add that there's no such thing, either, as a 'good troll.' Their ability to successfully prey on others and hoodwink them is simply an indication of the depth of their maladjustment and mental health issues.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> I'd like to just add that there's no such thing, either, as a 'good troll.' Their ability to successfully prey on others and hoodwink them is simply an indication of the depth of their maladjustment and mental health issues.


That's true, unfortunately I feel like there are many on this forum.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

There is a lot of good advice to be found here, but just remember--nobody knows your situation and your relationship better than you do. Someone on the internet telling you this or that about your spouse is all fine and dandy, but remember they're basing it all off a couple of paragraphs you posted, and it's colored by their own personal history, not yours.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I had a few issues at first where I started questioning some of the things in my marriage. I never took anything out on my wife - kept it inside - because I knew that what I have from home is very different that what I read about on TAM. Then is started to realize that my wife doesn't do hardly any of the stuff that other people had issues with about their spouses and it made me appreciate my wife all the more.

The real reason why I'm here though is to try to learn how to make my marriage better. I had a number of threads where I talked about issues we were having - like how to interact with my wife when I first come home from traveling for business. I learned a lot there. Also, there are other things you pick up from seeing the positive things (few that they are sometimes) that people write about concerning their marriages. TAM has helped me to be a better husband overall and it has helped reinforce the good things I was already doing in my marriage.

IMHO, you have to use TAM for what it's meant to be. It's meant to give immediate help to those who need it right away with specific issues, to be an avenue for others to provide help from their personal experiences and it's to help you learn from others to make long term improvements (if you are open to new ideas and to want to improve your marriage). 

TAM is not good for those who tend to project other people's problems into their own lives. When you see a story and, for example start thinking..."man, my wife uses facebook. i bet she's having an ea right now and i don't even know it!" That is when you need to take a breath and step back for awhile.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

The SIM forum can affect me like that sometimes even though my SO and I have a great sex life. Just reading some of the comments and thoughts that men in sexless marriages have can really turn me off sometimes, and I have to remind myself that 1) they're very hurt, and 2) my relationship is not like that. But I don't go in there too often for that reason.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

someone90 said:


> That's true, unfortunately I feel like there are many on this forum.


The only way to deal with this is to remember that this is the cyberspace, trust your gut instinct and walk away from drama.

There are lots of good people here, but there are also a few individuals who like nothing more than a good 'scrap' from behind the safety of their PCs. Eventually you get to know who they are and ignore their games.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

norajane said:


> The SIM forum can affect me like that sometimes even though my SO and I have a great sex life. Just reading some of the comments and thoughts that men in sexless marriages have can really turn me off sometimes, and I have to remind myself that 1) they're very hurt, and 2) my relationship is not like that. But I don't go in there too often for that reason.


Norajane, like you I have a happy, healthy relationship. However, there was a time when I was reading some posts and then taking it out on my SO! How crazy is that? Fortunately, SO kicked me in to touch and I stopped getting involved in that stuff


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## RedRose14 (Aug 15, 2013)

I'm relatively new and I have only just found out about trolls, I have no idea who would be a troll and who would be real, how could you possibly tell:scratchhead:

I avoid the Infidelity section as it's not relevant to me. I started off in the Sex in Marriage Section but mostly avoid that too now as it makes me imagine there are problems with my/our sex life where there are none. After reading various threads and getting a bit worried I spoke to Hubby and he reassured me that what we have is great. I don't think it's good for me to read about what other people are doing, it makes me feel inadequate.

I stick mainly to Social now as I find it the most supportive and I consider many posters over there to be friends, I value their advice and I enjoy their company


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

When I first started reading CWI I started to wonder a little about my wife, even though I had no reason to whatsoever. I actually checked her phone a few times, but nothing but innocent messages to her mom buddies.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

There is a tipping point. I came here looking for help dealing with infidelity and trust issues, and I found it (mostly in the CWI subforum). Subsequently some of the stories started backing up on me--it's true that you can end up chasing shadows in your own mind. TAM helped me achieve a breakthrough in dealing with my W's EA, but you do need to take a break now and then. I can say that, and I've only been a member for two months!


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Actually, TAM stories ARE real life. People from all over the world have lived what they wrote ( trolls aside ). 
I too would have said "paranoia", until not very long ago. But I realized that most of the stuff they talk about it's true. For example, no opposite sex friends and no confiding in them about your marriage is not paranoia. It is a rightful way to prevent you from going on a slippery rope. Once I gave it a careful consideration and went on reading, I had to apply some of these TAM rules to my own M. The M, and my personal values, have improved as a result.

However, I too find some members exaggerate a lot and love drama. It's also " the poor me, evil you" attitude that I read a lot, and I dislike. Negativity and bitterness are a mood killer, so I just avoid certain posters and threads if they don't feel good.

I'm balanced enough to discern posts, and choose what to apply to my relationship and what not. Just go with whatever resonates with you. As TAMers say " trust your gut"


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## nicky3791 (Jan 21, 2013)

someone90 said:


> I've been regularly visiting the forum for a couple of months now and I'm starting to wonder if all of the stories are starting to affect me in my own relationship.
> 
> Everybody here is so quick to jump to suspect infidelity for marital issues that I feel like I have thoughts that wander there even though I have no reason to even suspect it.
> Also, the amount of trolls on this site, and the difficulty in distinguishing between them, is adding to the problem a great deal and many are really losing their faith in people.
> ...


Yes, I noticed that if I read too much on the infidelity forum, Im depressed alot. This site can get to me. I have to walk away for a week or so.
The troll thing was a shock to me when the thing with Rosie happened. It was the very first thread I had ever gotten interested in, and then to find out it wasnt real, well it made me feel like a fool.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I've never really felt any paranoia , but I can see how this can happen.
I've learnt a lot on this site from members who's marriages are healthy.
I prefer the first three sections,
General Relationships.
Ladies Section
Men's Clubhouse.

I also love the Long Tern Success In Marriage section because I learn quite a lot there. I hardly post there because our marriage is just 18 years compared to others across there who have been married for 20+ years. Lol, what can I tell such a person?
I would be out of place , so I just listen to the veterans across there.
Whenever I post there, it's simply to encourage them.

The Sex In Marriage section , and CWI section I find it to be painful and sometime depressing. I hardly post there or even read what's posted .
But I didn't come to TAM because I had marital problems , I found here by accident whilst browsing psychology websites. I can understand why some of the posts might tend to create paranoia.

I think the key is to only use what you need from here ,and don't over expose yourself to too much negative information.
I've been here about a year , and there are many forums I've never posted in and don't even bother to visit.

I just don't have the time and energy.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Although TAM can definitely taint your sense of optimism, the truth is:

1. 50% of marriages end in divorce. Of the remaining 50% how many of them are bad marriages? More marriages then not have serious problems in them.

2. Numbers range from 33% to 66% in terms of relationships with infidelity. Though people are quick to assume infidelity on the site, they're probably right more often than not.


Since cheaters tend to follow a script, after you've been here long enough you can pick it up in threads pretty easily, even before getting all the details. There's been countless threads where we suspected cheating, other TAMmers and the OP were adamant that we were just being crazy, and then a few weeks or months later they come back and found out there was cheating.


I think most bad TAM marriages fall into either of these categories:

1. Cheating
2. Lack of drive from one or both partners to put in effort needed.

Those issues are very common in marriage, but they aren't usually talked about in real life. I think the "jading" that happens on TAM is because people are real about it because there is anonymity here. If people talked openly about marriage in real life, you would be jaded by that as well. Just my opinion.

My personal experience is that even though my story sucked and I've seen countless horrible nightmares here, the idea of being married isn't counted out by me. But it makes me want to be super diligent, I would not put myself in that spot again without taking serious time to make sure I was setting myself up for success and with the right person.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

My marriage actually needed a healthy dose of TAM paranoia. I had boundaries for myself but none for wife. Primarily because in the past I was the untrustworthy partner. I honestly don't think my wife would ever have an affair, but in all honesty I realized that over the years I was so busy boxing myself in that I didn't realize that she was occasionally getting herself into "situations" that she would not have had we set boundaries equally. Its no longer an issue and she realizes it now. If I had to give credit to anyone it would be the baseball bat to the forehead posts from Entropy3000. 

As far why I stay on TAM, I really like the Mens Clubhouse. I think its cool to bounce stuff off other guys just to get feedback. However, lately I don't really like that a few of the ladies have been turning interesting discussions into a back and forth of men vs. women. Not really the point of the clubhouse in my opinion.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Several months ago I was browsing the internet for information on my Achilles Heal, Retroactive Jealousy, and I found one particular site that recommended staying away from things like TAM, especially when dealing with the topic of RJ. The person giving that advise basically said that while you think you are being proactive and trying to work through your issues you are actually setting off even more triggers and making things more difficult on yourself. So, now I monitor my mood and if I'm feeling down I'll stay away until I have a better perspective.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

TAM teaches us to believe our gut instincts, to verify if something is out of the ordinary, or to get help for a sexless marriage. We do not have to be mistreated in our marriages, and we do not have to believe the cheater's lies. After all, most unfaithful people follow a script.

However, it can become overwhelming. It, also, can set us back in our own healing at times. The best thing to do is when you feel like it's too much is to step back. Take some time away from TAM. It can be weeks, months, and, even, years.

The best advice that I received about caretaking for my husband who has depression is to step back and make some time to me. I think that applies to users who advise or read in TAM. Take a time out, do something good for you and your family, and recharge.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I got a overdose of paranoia when someone answer my question as if I was asking if my H was cheating and I wasn't thinking cheating at all. So for a couple of days I had created the perfect scenario of how he was cheating and getting away with it. But I soon came to my senses. 

TAM was a HUGE help with balancing new baby and H. I see how if I hadn't been forewarn my life would be all about my little Peanut right now. Actually I don't find it that hard to balance wife and mother. It actually easier when he around because he can help me so that I'm not too wore out for taking care of him. 

Side note: NEVER plan to move with a newborn in the house. Seriously.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> I've never really felt any paranoia , but I can see how this can happen.
> I've learnt a lot on this site from members who's marriages are healthy.
> I prefer the first three sections,
> General Relationships.
> ...


CM, you're selling yourself short. Eighteen years is plenty of time in a marriage to have learned some important lessons for living a good married life. You have me beat and I don't feel intimidated to post in LTSIM. If there are good things going on in your marriage, share them with the rest of the group. JMHO, once you've been married for a set number of years (10 years maybe?), you have a good enough idea to know what is realistic with your expectations vs. what is irrational optimism. I'm not saying people like you and I have all the answers and we're "marriage gurus", but I think both of us have good solid marriages. We didn't get them by accident. We had to have done something right, so I would suggest that posting your success on LTSIM will help others. Besides, we need more people over there starting threads anyways!


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