# 20 years of abuse and I'm finally free



## ka1972 (Jul 11, 2012)

First time poster but have been lurking for awhile. Background is that we have been together 20 years (married 16). No kids. I'm 40 & he's 41. He won't work so I have to support us. We are always broke have had to file bankruptcy before and my credit is trashed. He is also an alcoholic and bi-polar (doesn't take his meds) He's verbally, emotionally, & physically abusive to me. He's been in and out of trouble with the law over the years as well.

I just couldn't take it any longer and this past Saturday when he slapped me and threatened to kill me I called the cops and had him arrested. I'm really and truly done this time. I can't take another 20 years of this behavior. He can be very charming and manipulative and I think somewhere deep inside he does care about me. This has been a continous cycle for 20 years that we make up and things get better briefly but ultimately in a few weeks or months it's all the same again. 

The physical abuse isn't an all the time thing but being called stupid, fat, ugly, a ****, etc is pretty frequent. As well as never being allowed to go anywhere or talk to anyone or have any friends. My parents have dis-owned me over him. My dad hasn't spoken to me in over a year. (I'm an only child) My mom has finally gotten to where we talk maybe once a month if that. They have honestly tried to help me so many times and I always go back to him.

He's started contact me (which is in direct violation of the protective order which I will be discussing with the judge tomorrow), but I know he thinks we are getting back together. I do still love him, but I just can't do this anymore. I don't really have anyone to talk to because any of our mutual "friends" were pretty much more his friends and either don't want to be involved (I understand about not wanting to take sides) or think we will get back together. 

I just need someone to talk to that can understand. Thanks for listening.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

ka,

Good for you!

There's absolutely no reason to live with an abuser, not even love!

Take care of yourself and good luck!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Talk to your parents. They will be there to support you. Parents are forever.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

good for you!!! my exh was verbally/emotionally abusive, controling, and sometimes physically abusive (3 times in 9 years, but even 1 time is unacceptable). it was very difficuly for me to have the courage to file. i had no self esteem at that point, 3 kids, andhadn't worked in almost 5 years. it did it for me, but mostly for my kids. i didn't want them to grow up thinking they could treat women the way their father treated me. i lost all of our friends- he was very manipulative. even my own mother sided with him for awhile. it was hard, but i was amazed at how strong i became. you can do this. we are here for you. i would definitely consider talking to a counselor so you can not only come to terms with what you have been through, but also so you can be in a good, healthy frame of mind when you enter a relationship in the future.


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## ka1972 (Jul 11, 2012)

Financially I'm the only income so that wasn't an issue and even if it was after 20 years of this I would have probably left anyway. We have no kids so that isn't an issue either. He was at the house when I got home yesterday (yet again in direct violation of the emergency protective order) and they issued an arrest warrant. I got my protective order extended today and they advised he was in the hospital but as soon as he was released he was going straight to jail. Now begins the very long road of all this legal mess, court dates, dealing with the cops, etc It's sad that I'm the victim in all this but I'm the one that has to go through all this and be inconvenienced. I'm starting to finally have some friends talk to me. Several said they didn't know he hit me, but they knew about the verbal/emotional abuse which was bad enough. I just try to keep myself busy when I get home from work in the evening so I'm not feeling quite so lonely. Dreading the weekend when I'm home by myself all day for 2 entire days though


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Congratulations on setting boundaries at last. You need this new you. Start pouring your time and energy building up the parts of your life that you let slip.

Please whatever you do, don't let him have access to you anymore. Nobody should go through what you've had to go through.

Btw, Bankruptcy is survivable. I just had my hearing a couple of days ago. Not fun but pretty simple and better than the crushing debt.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Good luck to you. I'm in a 25 year controlling marraige I'm trying to get out of now. 3 grown kids. Lucky you didnt have children with him. My kids are questioning their relationships and wondering what is acceptable - they come to me for advice and I constantly question my answers. 

I hope I can be a strong as you. Now that my kids can talk about it, they would of rather I seperated than stayed. All along I feared my boys growing up without a dad. But he was not really there for them. They tell me now, they wished I would of divorced so they could of seen me happy.

If you get bored and dont like being alone, my suggestion is to take up a new hobby where you have to take a class. Yoga, pilates, crafts, something for you. Where you can be around people.


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## ka1972 (Jul 11, 2012)

It’s been almost a week now and I’ve just taken it one day at a time. They issued an arrest warrant because he violated the emergency protective order. And the judge issued a temporary order because he violated the emergency one yesterday. That lasts until court in 2 weeks. I’m not looking forward to that because he will be in court to “face his accuser” I’m not cold and heartless I feel badly that he’s going to lose everything and I feel bad for myself. I never pictured my life without him despite everything that’s happened. The sad thing is I probably would have continued to put up with the un-willingness to work and the controlling behavior I just couldn’t deal with the violence any longer. He was way out of control. He hit our next door neighbor’s son 2 weeks ago and I just found out 2 months ago he hit another neighbor’s kid as well. I’m just having a rough week having to try to go to work because my mind isn’t on work but if I stayed home I think it would be even worse to be home all day long by myself. I don’t have any family in the area and because of him I don’t have any friends. We do have 2 dogs and 2 cats that give me a little bit of solace, but it’s very lonely. I’ve never been apart from him for more than a day or two in nearly 20 years.


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## ka1972 (Jul 11, 2012)

It only cost me $45 to get married but it's going to cost about $6,000 to get divorced AND I may have to pay spousal support of 1/3 my income to the deadbeat that did nothing to support us or take care of the house and who verbally, emotionally, and physically abused me for nearly 20 years. Oh and he gets 50% of everything we have to. No wonder people stay in such relationships long term. 

I went for my first IC appointment yesterday and it was very helpful. I like her a lot and it was nice to talk to a neutral party. I still have a lot of feelings of sadness (as well as anger) because I will think of a happy memory/good time we had and be upset that he ruined it all. I no longer believe him blaming it on me. If he had made an effort in 20 years to try to be good to me I wouldn't be filing for divorce but it's clear he never really cared about me.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Good for you!! 









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> Talk to your parents. They will be there to support you. Parents are forever.


i wish, as both my parent have passed away.

to the OP, you may be angry for a long time thinking of the time wasted.

i am reading plenty of books.


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## ka1972 (Jul 11, 2012)

I am angry and I'm sad too. I saw him in court yesterday and his mom was telling me about how he has a job lined up now. Funny how he could never manage to work a steady job when we were together and we could barely survive on my income alone. (mainly due to the money being spent on beer/cigs/pot not just the bills) So that hurt a lot. Made me wonder what was wrong with me that he wasn't willing to work to help us out when we were together but now he suddenly can? Sad that he didn't think I was worth making any changes for because I certainly would have made them for him.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

ka1972 said:


> I am angry and I'm sad too. I saw him in court yesterday and his mom was telling me about how he has a job lined up now. Funny how he could never manage to work a steady job when we were together and we could barely survive on my income alone. (mainly due to the money being spent on beer/cigs/pot not just the bills) So that hurt a lot. Made me wonder what was wrong with me that he wasn't willing to work to help us out when we were together but now he suddenly can? Sad that he didn't think I was worth making any changes for because I certainly would have made them for him.


he has a job lined up, but will he follow through? probably not, because he never has! if he does start working, how long will it last? no long, especially if they do drug testing.
he has not changed. nothing is wrong with you. you will become a stronger, better person and he will continue to be the POS he always has been.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

There is nothing wrong with you. He is looking to work because he has no choice now. You are no longer supporting him. He has a job lined up doesn't mean he will still have the job in a week or a month. On top of the beer and the pot, he has a violent streak, and not just with you. It will be interesting to see how long he keeps the job.

Its so unfair that you have to split everything with him like that. Does the court not take into account that he has been a deadbeat for so long?

Can you get your neighbors to provide afidatifs (no idea how to spell that and spell check doesn't recognize it) that he hit their children? It might help your case. At any rate, it should be on file somewhere, because he is bound to hurt someone again and the full history should be available.

I'm glad you are getting help. Hang in there


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## ka1972 (Jul 11, 2012)

Thank you to everyone for your kind words. It is helping a lot. I know what everyone is saying is true but it's still very hard. It's been almost 3 weeks now and we've never been apart this long. I'm doing some stuff for myself for a change which is nice. I saw my counselor again yesterday and made an appointment for next week. I've found this to be very helpful. My friends and family are all supportive and I've managed to mend fences with some that I thought had long ago turned their backs because of him. I honestly can't believe that I'm finally free from him after all this time. I thought we would always be together. It's just weird though not having him around. It wasn't all bad times. I have good memories of things we did together. That's what makes me angry/sad the most because it could have been like that all the time but he chose not to get help. I don't regret what I did at all but it is definately the hardest thing I've ever done knowing I'm going to be alone and that has always been my biggest fear. (probably why I never took this step previously)


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Being alone is my fear too. Not because I don't think I can do it, but because I want to love and be loved. But, as everyone keeps telling me, don't assume that you will be alone. You have a lot to give and I'm sure there is someone out there who will appreciate you and love you and will do it without hitting you or putting you down.

Concentrate on yourself. Do things you enjoy doing, and as my psychologist says, spoil yourself with small things within your financial reality. Lunch with a friend, a magazine you enjoy, sit in a coffee shop and enjoy a latte, a movie. Today I bought some $12 flip flops at Walmart. So cute! I feel good wearing them. It doesn't take much. Do it for you.

Hugs.


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## HereWithoutYou (Jul 26, 2012)

Good for you for getting out of that situation! I hope your parents get back into your life now that they see you've kicked that scumbag to the curb for good.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I can't imagine hitting a woman. I've been angry but never in 16 years did I ever raise my hand to my wife. I always walked away. Now i just don't mad enough to even verbally fight with her. What is the point really.

Something snaps in some men that they feel like they have to raise their hand when they should use their voice instead.

It's a real shame people have to live through this.


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## ka1972 (Jul 11, 2012)

Some days it is really really hard. I honestly thought I would be more depressed and crying, but I’ve been trying to stay busy. But sometimes it will just hit me and the tears come. And I have a lot of anger and resentment towards him as well. Today feels like another one of those really bad days. Last week I had to spend my 40th birthday alone and that was really hard because I’ve dreaded turning 40 for awhile now and to be alone was really really hard for me. I feel hurt too. My mom is being supportive but she’s pretty much from the school of thought that I need to “put my big girl panties on and get over it” when what I really need is a little coddling and a hug some days. My dad still hasn’t spoken to me yet but I’m hopeful now that he sees I’m not going back to him (like I did the other 5 or 6 times we split up over the years) he will come around. 
Like I just need a good cry and to hit something. (good thing I have both a speed bag and heavy bag I can hit at home  ) I’m on vacation next week and debating about taking the time off or not because I’m not sure 9 days home by myself alone is going to be good for me but I’m having a hard time concentrating at work and I think having a break will be good for me. I’m trying to make plans to do stuff a couple days but $$$ is still really tight for me which makes it hard. 
Thanks to everyone for their encouragement. I know I’m doing the best thing, but after 20 years it’s just hard to believe it’s actually happening. I thought I would be with him forever.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I'm turning 40 the day after the supposed to be 14 wedding anniversary.... I feel your pain.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

ka1972 said:


> Some days it is really really hard. I honestly thought I would be more depressed and crying, but I’ve been trying to stay busy. But sometimes it will just hit me and the tears come. And I have a lot of anger and resentment towards him as well. Today feels like another one of those really bad days. Last week I had to spend my 40th birthday alone and that was really hard because I’ve dreaded turning 40 for awhile now and to be alone was really really hard for me. I feel hurt too. My mom is being supportive but she’s pretty much from the school of thought that I need to “put my big girl panties on and get over it” when what I really need is a little coddling and a hug some days. My dad still hasn’t spoken to me yet but I’m hopeful now that he sees I’m not going back to him (like I did the other 5 or 6 times we split up over the years) he will come around.
> Like I just need a good cry and to hit something. (good thing I have both a speed bag and heavy bag I can hit at home  ) I’m on vacation next week and debating about taking the time off or not because I’m not sure 9 days home by myself alone is going to be good for me but I’m having a hard time concentrating at work and I think having a break will be good for me. I’m trying to make plans to do stuff a couple days but $$$ is still really tight for me which makes it hard.
> Thanks to everyone for their encouragement. I know I’m doing the best thing, but after 20 years it’s just hard to believe it’s actually happening. I thought I would be with him forever.


Happy belated birthday, Ka. 

Have your cry and hit that heavy bag. Then go do your hair, put some makeup on and go out and do something for you. It can be as simple as a long walk in a pretty place or downtown where things are moving. Or get a makeover at a makeup counter (If you're like me, you'll feel you have to buy something, but even a new lipstick can help you feel better). Lunch with a girlfriend is good, or take a book, go to Starbucks and nurse one latte for an hour reading. Something. Anything. Get out of the house and take care of YOU. You are worth it.

Hugs.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

ka, first I want to say you are making the right decision. This is one of my pet peeves. There is absolutely no reason for any type of family violence. You are doing the right thing and dont think you are the only one that has been through this. The average is 6 times to consider leaving before a victim decides to follow through. From what Ive read, you have reached your breaking point and decided to break the cycle of violence. Im sure you already know what his actions will be, you have seen it first hand for the past 20 years. This time is different and he will try even harder to romance you and make promises to change. Hes already found work. That protective order is your friend. Every single time he violates it, you need to report it. He will finally "get it". Its just sad you had to give up 20 years of your life for someone like that. Stay strong ka, you have people here who support you. As far as giving up 50% and division of assets. Its just stuff that can be replaced. You will be surprised how quickly you make up anything given away without having to support a deadbeat abuser. Your happiness and safety is so much more important than that. I will be keeping up with your thread, stay positive and get your life back.


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## ka1972 (Jul 11, 2012)

We've been apart for almost 6 weeks now and I have never been happier in my life. It was the best decision I ever made. Not to say there still aren't days it is really really hard, but never hard enough for me to ever consider taking him back. He hasn't even tried to contact me so I guess his comments about he could never live without me were total b.s. 

I just have a lot of anger and hurt and resentment over the 20 years of my life I wasted. And a sincere distrust of men. I'm still seeing my counselor (every 2 weeks now) and she just lets me vent about whatever which makes me feel better. 

I'm just taking it one day at a time. Keeping busy with work and other stuff. He left me in a really bad financial bind which I'm trying to make some type of headway out of which is really really hard.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

ka1972 said:


> We've been apart for almost 6 weeks now and I have never been happier in my life. It was the best decision I ever made. Not to say there still aren't days it is really really hard, but never hard enough for me to ever consider taking him back. He hasn't even tried to contact me so I guess his comments about he could never live without me were total b.s.
> 
> I just have a lot of anger and hurt and resentment over the 20 years of my life I wasted. And a sincere distrust of men. I'm still seeing my counselor (every 2 weeks now) and she just lets me vent about whatever which makes me feel better.
> 
> I'm just taking it one day at a time. Keeping busy with work and other stuff. He left me in a really bad financial bind which I'm trying to make some type of headway out of which is really really hard.


Ka, I'mSo glad to hear the positive tone in your words. On the bad days remember the good ones.

Maybe a financial advisor could help you consolidate your debts and make the monthly payments manageable. They can negotiate with those you owe money to and sometimes get the debt reduced, or at least as I said, get the payments to a manageable amount.


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## ka1972 (Jul 11, 2012)

Well it's going on 4 months now and I'm not sure I feel any better about any of this than I did initially. 

I'm meeting all kinds of men and finding out what I don't want. Honestly, I would take my soon to be ex over most of the ones I've met  

I know I need to focus on myself and get myself and my finances in order and feel good about myself before I can even think about any other type of relationship, if ever. I just don't feel like I'll ever feel good about myself though. And until I do I really can't expect anyone else to really like me either. 

I just seem to be drawn to friends/guys that are toxic to me and my self-esteem. I can't seem to break that cycle even now. It's just too easy to stick with what you know.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Stay the course and keep working on you.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Are you still in IC, Ka? If not, get back in. You need some help with your self-esteem. Don't go into another relationship until you are strong.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Glad you are meeting all kinds of men. It'll do you good to casually talk, or even date a few guys just to get out there and have some FUN.

You can tell a man that you won't be sleeping with him, and that if he isn't ok with that then you won't take up his time. Best to lay it on the line, you don't sleep with anyone until it's a committed, monogamous relationship. Bottom line. ( JMO of course, feel free to ignore that, but with low self esteem you have to have rules). A good man will wait, it's almost a litmus test of a man.

It's strange how it's the nicest people that have the lowest self esteem. It's very ironic and sad. 

It's normal to miss the good times, but violence is a deal breaker, as is mental cruelty and abuse. And you gave him 5 or 6 chances to change! That is way too generous. You can do better. And have peace, even if that means being on your own for now.

Good days and bad, that's pretty well true of life in general.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

"It's strange how it's the nicest people that have the lowest self esteem. It's very ironic and sad."

Those types of people are nice because they give in hopes of receiving.

Be it with words of encouragement or a pat on the back.

When it's not given, they think "what's wrong with ME that they didn't give me the reward I was looking for?".


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## ka1972 (Jul 11, 2012)

Yes I'm still in IC. I was going more frequently about a month ago because I had another bout with depression. (had a bad episode with it about 2 years ago) But things are straight on that front so I'm back to going once a month but can go more if I feel I need to. 

Everyone is right about the people with low self-esteem. I also tend to want to jump into sex right away because I figure if I don't then the guy isn't going to be interested which I know is stupid. I think I'm just starved for attention because I went so long without any sort of affection at all. (no hugs, no kisses, rarely any other physical affection and if I got it it always pretty much led to a BJ for him or sex--at one point I thought I really didn't even like sex but I've learned now I just didn't want sex with someone that mistreated me--we argued about it all the time and he always said I was frigid!)


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Hang in there. The stuff you said about sex & intimacy- hit's home for me - big time. I think the bottom line is you just cant make love to someone you don't love. You have to have respect and look up to the man you love. He lost that by hurting you.


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## tonynw (Nov 7, 2012)

it is soo hard to leave, trust me i know darling. you have been thru enough and you have to stand up and be strong. life is too short. get out while you have the chance and dont look back


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