# VIP Dance/Private Dances



## Soon_To_Be_Mrs (Dec 21, 2011)

Input...

Vip Dances/Private dances while your husband, or I guess wife, are out at a strip club..

Acceptable, or unacceptable?

Why or why not?

What's your spouses input?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Honestly - why ask us? How do you feel about it?

Was never really an issue for us. We went together a few times - with my (STBX)W getting the only lap dance while I got to watch! I just kind of figured that me getting a dance would have only led to trouble...


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## Soon_To_Be_Mrs (Dec 21, 2011)

Why ask? 

I'm curious to hear other's thoughts. 

Putting it more into context..I guess i'm asking while your SO, or, Spouse is out (With out you..not going together), are VIP Dances/ & Private dances something that overall considered an "Ok" thing to do in a relationship. 

I personally feel like it's not acceptable. I guess I'm looking for other's input. It seems to be a long standing converserial topic when brought up with my girlfriends, and older relatives. I'm trying to form my own judgement, and see if my thoughts are irrational thoughts or not. 

I guess I'm trying to understand? Understand my guys outlook..


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

unacceptable.
i think its disrespectful to your SO and disrespectful of your relationship.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'm 39 - near the end of a 17 year marriage. I've had a small handful of VIP dances in my life. Some were "nice" and fairly innocent. Others - there was a lot more contact. Depends on the club and the dancer.

If YOU are uncomfortable with the idea of another woman possibly rubbing her rear end on your H's lap - then that's something he should be able to respect and understand.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

My wife has no Problem even watching me get a lap dance.

No way a VIP room alone without her is going to be acceptable nor should it be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soon_To_Be_Mrs (Dec 21, 2011)

Thanks, both of you, for your respones. 

I feel the same way-- it's disrespectful.

And also, I agree, it is what matters to ME. We have a great relationship, and we both trust each other, endlessly. As a matter of fact..this stems from him and the guys planning on outting for his much younger (Virgin) co-worker who will be leaving for the marines in the up and coming months. I simply asked if he thought VIP/Private dances are an ok thing to do..he said yes, asked what I thought I said no..and his instant reply was very nicely and matter factly put "Ok honey, well out of respect for you, I wouldn't get one."

I guess the again, I wanted to further form my opinion to see if I'm being irrational, or not, and also to see if anyone else is thinking on the same thought path as I. 

I guess I was also looking to hear other's idea of what the feel like the purpose, or intent, or a VIP dance is.

As it may come accross, I'm very innocent and pure. I've been to one strip club, don't care to go back..but would on a special occasion with the hubby to have fun. I've had one other relationship- Long term, but not in any means what a relationship should have been (Went one way). I feel there are a lot of areas I lack in on experience because of only having had two relationships. 

Thanks for the input guys!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You're in a bliss, you're in love, and you want to know the world to know. Yeah yeah I get ya...

Even in good times with my wife though I do not qualify for this section of the forum. "10+ years success in MARRIAGE". Please, one thread at a time, and note the sections.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Soon_To_Be_Mrs said:


> Thanks, both of you, for your respones.
> 
> I feel the same way-- it's disrespectful.
> 
> And also, I agree, it is what matters to ME. We have a great relationship,


if all of this is true, you should express it to your fiance and he should then decline to go out of his respect for you and the relationship. that should be the most important thing to him.
if its not then where do you think things will go in the future from his disrespect and uncaring of your feelings?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Soon_To_Be_Mrs said:


> Thanks, both of you, for your respones.
> 
> I feel the same way-- it's disrespectful.
> 
> ...


He can spend a few bucks buying his buddy a lap dance or two!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

AllThePrettyHorses said:


> So I am wondering: Do you think you were faithful throughout your marriage then?
> I am just thinking: If men generally think high contact lap dances aren't cheating as long as they don't tell their wives, then maybe a lot more faithful men are cheating than women think.
> 
> Any input would be appreciated on this.


I'm trying to remember how many of these took place when I was married. There are a few I recall getting at a couple of bachelor parties before I was married - and then one while we were "separated but working on things." 

The last one - during our separation - I didn't think much about it at the time. Certainly didn't think I was being unfaithful. But of course I kept it a secret.

After reading how many of the women on this site feel, I would say that it was a mistake.

Was it "cheating?" I'm not sure. Maybe. I truly think that would have been up to my Ex to decide.

Again - to me it's like so many other issues in marriage. You need to be open about things and communicate with each other.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

It would be acceptable for me and "highly unlikely" for her  If she managed to find herself in a strip club without me I'd be thrilled though.

@AllThePrettyHorses
I think you probably ought to remember that YOUR concept of "cheating" is just that... yours. What constitutes "cheating" in any given relationship is up to the participants. In my opinion, your question/statement would've read better like this:

I wonder if men and women perceive this business of "high contact lap dances" differently regards marital fidelity. If so, then maybe there are couples out there where the male thinks he has been faithful and the female, if she knew all the facts, would not agree.

Even then, we have not determined that it was cheating. What we have determined is that there is a disagreement in interpretation between the husband and wife.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

OK, I stand corrected 

I had skipped over the "... so long as they don't tell their wives" part. Yeah, that's pretty damning. Even if some couple doesn't think of it as cheating because it's not "actual sex", it's still some sort of lying and deception.

*adding in because it's pertinent to the above post*
In my case, I wasn't thinking of keeping a secret. I genuinely did something which Carol considered out of bounds and I did not. Because I didn't make anything of it I didn't get permission or any other such thing. Happily, as a routine course of conversation I talked about it and so the problem surfaced and was easily dealt with. But there was no active effort to "not tell". There was just a genuine oops. That's different than what *nice777guy* is talking about.

... and recalling now to a previous marriage (man, this post really has me thinking for some reason because I seldom do that), even when I did go to a strip club when my wife did not want me to, I did not keep it a secret. It was very forthright. She felt I should not go. I disagreed. It's an interesting question whether that's cheating or not. I was (and am) satisfied per my own sense of ethics and integrity. Had I done it _secretly_, however, that would not have been true. I guess I find secrecy unappealing. It flies in the face of integrity.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Jeff/BC said:


> But there was no active effort to "not tell".


A slippery slope - but your next paragraph gets you right back where you need to be.

It becomes like any other marital disagreement at this point - at least to me. Whether is someone wanting to buy a new car, a spouse looking at porn, chatting with friends of the opposite sex on the internet - etc., etc. - its all about communication and boundaries.

And - sometimes - two spouses just won't agree on what is wrong and right. That's when it gets complicated and hopefully one of you will compromise. 



> ... and recalling now to a previous marriage (man, this post really has me thinking for some reason because I seldom do that), even when I did go to a strip club when my wife did not want me to, I did not keep it a secret. It was very forthright. She felt I should not go. I disagreed. It's an interesting question whether that's cheating or not. I was (and am) satisfied per my own sense of ethics and integrity. Had I done it _secretly_, however, that would not have been true. I guess I find secrecy unappealing. It flies in the face of integrity.


And this also makes me think of the old saying - "It's easier to get forgiveness than permission." Just something to keep in mind.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> A slippery slope - but your next paragraph gets you right back where you need to be.


Kind of... but remember that if it was a slippery slope there was no way to avoid that slope. So I suppose we "slipped" a little but easy recovery. I have that one as simply one of those things that happens in a marriage. As in most cases, _intent_ makes all the difference in the world.



> And this also makes me think of the old saying - "It's easier to get forgiveness than permission." Just something to keep in mind.


Heh... but I've never been the one for "easy" so I went for permission. Failing that I went for "I don't care".


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Me & mine have full transparency, we only go to places like that together. IN our younger years, we wouldn't touch something like that....as we have gotten older, we thought we would try it when friends invited us.... we found the experience enjoyable ....as a couple.

My husband asked me if he could get a dance, he would never do anything if I would be hurt or against my wishes...the place only had AIR grinding - no touching at all. Bouncers to watch every move, a higher class strip club. 

I think if a couple has a really solid marraige, you have that inward heart assurance that you are his everything ...and if your beliefs allow a little naughiness without feeling God is going to judge you or Your husband is an immoral Dog for this sort of enjoyment.... I don't feel this has to even be a bad experience at all. We were together 19 yrs married (27 total) when we made this venture, I have no regrets. 

I would have felt a little different if the stripper was physically grinding on him - that would have been my line...or had I not liked the atmosphere of the club... but some visual stimulation - he's never even been to a bachelor party in his life.. he was due at the age of 45 to get his 1st lap dance. 

That is how this wife felt .


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

I knid of view it as the samething as going to hooters, twin peaks, strip bar. Why waste the money?? And it is disrespectful I would not want the wife doing it either

Now I knew about hooters but the other places (expect for strip club) never knew and boss would take a group of us out when we travel(without wife) on job assignment. Would tell spouse what happen after. And usually after going to one of these food places beer would lead to someone saying who is up for the strip bar at which point I head back to hotel.


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## xnobia (Apr 17, 2012)

Don't have a problem with him going to a strip bar and getting lap dances from a strange girl as long as he has no problem with me performing striptease and giving lap 
dances to a strange man....only fair....


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

xnobia said:


> Don't have a problem with him going to a strip bar and getting lap dances from a strange girl as long as he has no problem with me performing striptease and giving lap
> dances to a strange man....only fair....


I will gladly offer my lap in the name of healthy marriage equality!!!

(was just joking btw...)


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## t_hopper_2012 (Apr 17, 2012)

AllThePrettyHorses said:


> So I am wondering: Do you think you were faithful throughout your marriage then?
> I am just thinking: If men generally think high contact lap dances aren't cheating as long as they don't tell their wives, then maybe a lot more faithful men are cheating than women think.
> 
> Any input would be appreciated on this.


If it only qualifies as "not cheating" as long as you don't tell your wife, then it actually sounds like cheating. Now, it may not be a transgression that's marriage-ending like a ONS/EA/PA, but if you have to hide it from your spouse, then it's not good for the marriage.

As other posters have said, how would these same men feel about their wives giving a lap dance to some stranger? (Or, using a more equal example, having some buff Chippendales dancer rub his naked body all over her?)


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Perfectly acceptable if my wife is there with me and enjoys the fantasy too. If not then I am not even interested in the least. It only works for me if she is involved and enjoys it to.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

OP - I say it is unacceptable and H certainly wouldn't like me having some guy rubbing his d!ck in my face..so all is equal


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> unacceptable.
> i think its disrespectful to your SO and disrespectful of your relationship.


THIS!

I'd be happy if I gave my own husband a lap dance or he could give me one.

I wouldn't appreciate it if he / I got it from someone else.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

How is paying for a lap dance different than hiring a hooker? I can see very little difference myself. In many cases, the stripper IS a hooker. There may be the odd couple who like to hire hookers together, just like some like to do lap dances together, but the vast majority of couples would consider the guy hiring a hooker and keeping it a secret from his wife to be cheating. How any guy can consider getting a private/VIP lap dance and keeping it secret from his wife to NOT be cheating is beyond me.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I would not consider a lap dance to be cheating unless the spouse considers it cheating. That said I know Morrigan would not have a problem with it. Frankly though I wouldn't get one anyway. What would be the point really. Its all fake titillation. I'd get more real affection from our cat on my lap purring.

**waiting for the wise a$$ comments now**


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## RiverCountry (Aug 9, 2012)

IMO....NO married man (or woman..vice versa, but in most cases its a man) belongs in a strip club gawking over other women/men. I don't care if the excuse is a bachelor party or going away party, etc...this is just an EXCUSE for a man to go to one.. If you are committed to your spouse, then you should respect them enough not to go there. Many women just say they don't care...when actually, they really DO, they just don't want to tell their man no to avoid conflicts. They suck it up and even though they are hurting inside knowing their husband is at a strip club (and not knowing what is really going on), they just put up with it...or they are naive..one of the two. Once you commit to someone, its a respect thing. A married man has no purpose in a strip club, other than to slobber and gawk at another woman...let alone get a private dance..which is CLEARLY crossing the line. If your man says he is going because of his buddy or whomever...that's like believing a man reads Playboy for the articles...ha! If you have a spouse that frequents a strip club, you should put a stop to it...IMO. And, if he really loves and respects you, he won't go to one.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

No no no. Money he spent on stripper could have been spent on me. 

Gross.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Why would the stripper get to put our money toward her new Benz while I go about driving the same ol' car.


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