# We are separated, I am filling for divorce and he wants to hang out?



## Isabellam (Aug 23, 2010)

This is just weird. Long story short, I caught my husband cheating on me again with the same girl. I asked for a divorce -that was Tuesday. Today, Friday, he is asking me to hang out tomorrow? Am I missing something? 

I ask him whether he is looking for something and he says that he can't right now. I told him that he has to understand that I may not change my mind in the future whenever he is ready to figure out what he wants.

Why does life have to be so confusing? Why can't I stop talking to a guy who has been lying to me for months? 

:scratchhead:


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

Yeah, I know how you feel. Being kind of between two worlds--having decided to get out, but not actually having separated fully yet--is hell.

What do _you_ want to do, independent of whatever he wants? Do _you_ want to stay in the marriage? In your last post, you were very, very angry with your husband for cheating on you, and you said you wanted out ASAP. Do you still feel that way? 

If you know deep in your bones that you need out, you're going to have to be the one to make the split. That includes both moving out and not allowing him to speak with you or you to speak with him. He's not going to do that for you, or he wouldn't be asking you out now. He's not going to do what you want. He's going to do what _he_ wants, regardless of whatever that may do to you. He's already shown that by cheating on you and lying to you.

On the other hand, if _you_ want to stay married to him, it may make sense to keep talking with him. Make sure that you set some boundaries to help you keep your peace of mind, though, and stick to them. He'll respect you more if you determine limits on what you will or won't tolerate and then enforce.

IIRC, you were going to see a lawyer last week. Did you have that meeting? If so, how did it go? 

As far as having trouble talking (or not talking) with your husband--I had a similar problem to yours. Still do, I guess, but it's gotten much better. My stbxh keeps telling me how he wants to be friends and how much he cares about me. Less than a week after I moved out, he wanted to do dinner and a movie. How on Earth could anyone who I just left want to see me again? And so soon? 

Just hearing his voice put me in a tailspin, on top of the misery I was already in. I gave into the urge to talk with him a couple of times. After each of those conversations (two on the phone, one face-to-face), I felt as though someone had taken a monkey wrench to my guts. I realized that I had to simply stop talking with him at all if I wanted to keep my sanity. Now, whenever he calls, I let it go to voicemail, and, after a few days, I reply with a text message, asking him about practical stuff only. It's been a life saver.

Let us know how this goes. Good luck to you.


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## Isabellam (Aug 23, 2010)

Thank you so much for the comments! Yes, I met with the lawyer last week and the process should be farily simple since we have been married for less than 3 years and do not have much to argue over. My husband claims that he will do whatever I want and sign the documents, we'll see if that happens.

As for the calling/hanging out, I finally told him that it had to stop because it just hurt me. He admitted that he has been calling/talking to me mostly because he doesn't want to be the "bad" guy - I don't think it had nothing to do with me.

When I asked whether he wanted the divorce, he said that he was not in a position to do anything about it because he is not "mentally healthy," so he agrees with it by default. He has not fought it or anything. 
Even if I would consider taking him back, the lack of fight and the fact that he doesn't even know if he wants to be married, just reinforce my decision. I am still angry, I don't trust him, and I am very disappointed that he has taken no steps to try to make up for what he did. All he was doing was as he said "trying not to be the bad guy here." I told him - too late - you are the bad guy.

So, here I am just trying desparately to find a way to move on. To not cry when I hear about other people's babies and sucessful marriages. It is hard not to compare and think -that could have been me. Maybe in another life.

Isabella -


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

I feel like i am reading my story. H told me 2 months ago he was not happy...it was a gut feeling and we should separate/ divorce...just like that, never saw it coming. The month he was still in the house he was trying to be nice, (which killed me even more) he didnt want to work on the marriage, or work on figuring out why he feels this way, he just wants out. Out of guilt I think he tries to be nice because he knows he totally bllind-sided me and it has nothign to do with me. I too was angry alot... at times still, that after 7 yrs he chooses to let this marriage go, no fighting for it, no working on whatever it is he thinks we need to work on, he just shut the door and moved on....thats what angers me the most. I am moving on....the last 2 weeks have been such a good change, but i was in hell for a while...sux! All m friends are either thinking of having babies or having them now, then i have my single friends whom I have gravitated more towards... Now I'm realizing my life game plan is not what it has been, me wanting to have kids next yr is totally not happening...i am coming to terms with that, accepting and realizing there is something out there for me that will be far better.....ONE DAY AT A TIME.


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