# I wanted her gone and now I'm so lonely



## Trevor H (11 mo ago)

Hi everyone, new here.

My wife and I decided to call it quits after 30 years of marriage. The reasons are long and complicated, as you might imagine. I have been unhappy and felt a long time ago that she lost respect and interest in me. I did not like the person she evolved into either - and she'd probably say the same thing.

So we both agreed she should move out and we'll start looking at divorce. She's been out for four months and I find myself waffling over and over - did I do the right thing, etc. I have NEVER lived alone. I have panic attacks and regret my decision sometimes but it is too late now. 

When she was here, I spent a lot of mind energy thinking about all the bad things she's done to me and would get angry dwelling on the bad stuff. Now that she's gone, I find the bad stuff fading away and I get super sentimental dwelling on all the good memories - the best days of my life. WTF?

I miss her and I'm lonely but there is no turning back (we've already talked about whether or not this is possible and she said no).

Does this sound normal? I try not to think about what-ifs but have to figure out how to be happy by myself.

Thanks for hearing me out!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Gotta leave it in the past. The way to get happy is to concentrate on moving forward.
Probably best not to look for a new woman until you’re happy being alone, but then again….


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I think you should separate the two. 

She isn't the cure for your loneliness. Join clubs about things you are interested in, go hang out with friends and family. Basically get out there.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

How bad was the bad stuff? Would you say she was more at fault, and what led to you finally wanting out?


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Get a young girlfriend. It will help!


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## Burning Star 🌟 (11 mo ago)

Trevor H said:


> Hi everyone, new here.
> 
> My wife and I decided to call it quits after 30 years of marriage. The reasons are long and complicated, as you might imagine. I have been unhappy and felt a long time ago that she lost respect and interest in me. I did not like the person she evolved into either - and she'd probably say the same thing.
> 
> ...


The bad doesn't take away the good and the good doesn't take away the bad. They are both equally there is just easier to second guess yourself in loneliness. You are comfortable with her. The unknown is scary. Those two facts don't mean you should go back to her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You are probably not missing her so much as missing having another person around.


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## Trevor H (11 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> How bad was the bad stuff? Would you say she was more at fault, and what led to you finally wanting out?


That's hard to answer. A lot of little things. I remember telling her years ago that I don't think she even liked me anymore; just the attitude, comments, etc. Sex was great for a lot of years and then she could not get it over with quickly enough. We just kinda grew annoyed with each other. Towards the end I was hanging out with a female friend and discussing my marriage problems with her. To my wife, that was cheating and the last straw - i did not argue.

We went to counseling years ago and she turned into Sybil during those sessions. OMG the stuff she was making up was unbelievable. Just mean stuff telling the counselor that I was such a bad person.


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## Trevor H (11 mo ago)

Thanks everyone - lots of good things to think about.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Trevor H said:


> Towards the end I was hanging out with a female friend and discussing my marriage problems with her. To my wife, that was cheating and the last straw - i did not argue.


She's right, it was.

I don't think you're missing her, as much as missing having another person around. Do you have a dog? Why not get one, they get you out and about each day, and you have a companion and best friend.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i would join a gym, and do one of those group fitness things. a trainer has a group of four or five people, and you all work out. the comraderie pushes you to work harder and longer. Do that 3 times a week, and i am sure it will knock you out of your funk.

but just consider that a jump start. start dating again. plenty of interesting people out there that are dying to meet you

and if you can take some time off from work.....take a two week camping hike in the mountains. or if you are not a hiker, take a two week road trip to see America. the bourbon trail is nice. so are the florida keys! or Rt1 in California. Go find yourself


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

You are spinning up fantasies about what life with her was really like. 
I can guarantee you this: if you made amends, etc., three months in after the euphoric "reunion" you'd find yourself getting up one day.. wow, this is just like it was and nothing is any different than it originally was. 

After 30 years you developed a companion. You need another companion, maybe some of the time. There are many out there who what that kind of thing and no more.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Honestly, I believe most men - especially older men - have a very hard time suddenly living on their own because they're so used to a woman doing everything for them and running the household. Sorry guys, but for the majority of men over 50 or 60, it's just the truth. I didn't say "all" I said the majority.

Most women don't go through this type of angst when they become single because they were ALWAYS the caretakers and doers and household managers, so it's not such a change for them at all (if anything, they now have blessedly *less *work to do now that they're not cleaning up and catering to a man anymore).

I also believe this is why most men later in life are so eager to find another mate when they suddenly find themselves 'single' again; it's because they want another mommy-wife to take care of them. I'm just calling 'em as I sees 'em.

OP, there's no easy way through this transitional period. You just have to make your way through it.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I also believe this is why most men later in life are so eager to find another mate when they suddenly find themselves 'single' again; it's because they want another mommy-wife to take care of them. I'm just calling 'em as I sees 'em.


No argument with your post @She'sStillGotIt I would just make one comment for men like me.

After my wife passed I was alone for a short time (couple of years) and I knew I needed to find a companion. But, it wasn't to take care of me. Rather, I do life better when I have someone to love. (not physically ...stop that)


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree with her, you were cheating, even if nothing physical happened. 

That said, it’s normal when ending things that your thoughts focus on the good part. No idea why, but it’s true. Turn your focus to yourself and doing things the way you have always wanted to. She sounds like she became very unpleasant to be around, so focus on how you no longer have to deal with THAT. Change things around the house.. paint, rearrange the rooms, get new furniture. Buy the foods you like, leave lights on and the toilet seat up lol. And don’t take the advice of finding a new young girlfriend. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

I think what you are experiencing is normal. I am actually on about the same timeline as you. My soon to be ex and I were married for 15 years and together for 17+ total. She moved out over Labor Day weekend. She cheated so the relationship was over and neither of us were interested in patching things up, but I still found myself depressed, wondering what if, looking back on the good and ignoring the bad, that sort of thing. So I think what you are going through is normal. But eventually it will go away. I still have some moments like that, but they are rare. And part of that is finding joy in doing things I like so like a lot of other people suggested, you need to do fun things, go to the gym, go to the movies, etc. If you are ready to date, then go for it, but I'm not one to suggest jumping straight into another relationship because a lot of times people date too quick and end up in another bad relationship. 

At any rate, I think what you are experiencing is normal. Your ex was your companion for 30 years and losing that is hard, even if it was ultimately for the best. Don't beat yourself up about mourning the loss, but always remember what rugswept pointed out above--if you guys got back together, you'd realize quickly it was a mistake. As hard as it may seem now, just have to keep plugging away at moving on. Each day will get easier.


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## Trevor H (11 mo ago)

Thanks again everyone. The whole "emotional cheating" thing was done out of ignorance (and maybe some emotional immaturity) and I carry a lot of guilt for that, which does not help my situation. But I'm sure you guys are right about things returning to the way they were if I decide to fight for her and win her back; keep telling myself it's for the best. I also have to remind myself that I was pretty unhappy before my indiscretion; for me, that happened because of my unhappiness. But that last-straw is all she sees anymore.

I am definitely missing the companionship and have definitely realized how much she used to do around here. Now that she and the kids are gone (grown), I have a four-bedroom that I do not need so looking at putting it on the market as soon as I can. Cleaning out 30 years of stuff is heartbreaking and part of why I keep reliving the happy memories. 

I also miss her cooking but I like to think she is missing my "handy-ness". I went straight from my mom's house 30 years ago to living with my girlfriend/wife so cooking is definitely a tough thing for me to tackle. This is my first time ever living alone.

Not to make it sound like she was simply my housemaid! The first 15 years of our marriage were the best years of my life. We were so happy...


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

You could hire a housekeeper to clean and cook. You don’t miss her, you miss the things she did. It’s normal, your life has changed in a big way and it’s scary. Everyone is right, if you took her back it would return to the way it was when you were unhappy. You’ll be ok, this is all part of the process. Second guessing after a big break up is something a lot of people go through.


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## Trevor H (11 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You don’t miss her, you miss the things she did.


Wow that's cold... and accurate. Similar to what others have suggested and I've really got to let that sink in. I didn't think I'd be up for any "tough love" but it's needed LOL.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Trevor H said:


> Wow that's cold... and accurate. Similar to what others have suggested and I've really got to let that sink in. I didn't think I'd be up for any "tough love" but it's needed LOL.


Sorry, I really didn’t mean to be hurtful. But it’s true. You said yourself you knew you were romanticizing the relationship. It’s easy to do, especially when going through something tough by yourself, you feel isolated and start to wonder if you made a mistake. You didn’t decide to end the relationship overnight; you definitely thought it through. Trust yourself.


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## Trevor H (11 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Sorry, I really didn’t mean to be hurtful. But it’s true. You said yourself you knew you were romanticizing the relationship. It’s easy to do, especially when going through something tough by yourself, you feel isolated and start to wonder if you made a mistake. You didn’t decide to end the relationship overnight; you definitely thought it through. Trust yourself.


I didn't mean it that way. I appreciate what you said and you're right. Just a little joke about needing some tough love to snap me out of my funk!


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