# Light fitness test



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Monday night I am watching football. This year I have watched a lot of football. Way more than in prior years. About half the time I do it while folding laundry. The other half - tv/laptop combo. 

My W comes in the room and remarks - wow - you are really turning into a "sports guy". We have a brief exchange with me asking some questions. It was clear from her initial tone that she has a "dim view" of sports guys and her follow up answers reinforce that notion. I start thinking hmmm - I have some clever responses at hand like "actually I thought I was turning into a laundry guy". 

Instead I stand up and say "it is beautiful outside lets walk the dogs." We had a great walk, great conversation came home, tangled the sheets and went to sleep. 

As for this being a fitness test - we have a DVR and I never bet on the games. So I watch when it isn't disruptive to anything else. If something comes up mid-game - I go do whatever and watch the rest of the game later. So my watching has never impacted her to my knowledge. Well - except for me doing most of the laundry. 

Tuesday - last night - we had planned to walk again but she got a call from a family member that lasted until 9 pm. She gets off and I ask "walk?" She replies that it is really cold out. I come back with "us sports guys need exercise to offset our lazy, beer swilling, cheese doodle crunching ways". She then mockingly referred to the exercise "sports guys" get from throwing there fists in the air or jumping up when there is a good play. 

So I came back with "I refuse to lead this family down the black hole of despair to obesity and diabetes. So I am going to brave the cold and walk the dogs. But hey I know you like to watch tv at night, so if you want to stay in and ummmm - veg that is fine." Huge smile on my face as I say this last bit. 

I am perfectly happy going myself with my MP3 player so I am fine if she comes or stays home. She on the other hand feels really guilty for being "lazy" if I go out and she doesn't come. The only time that actually occurs is if I go out of my way to give her a "guilt free pass" by saying something like "you had a killer day - relax - if I had your day I wouldn't go either". 

Sadly it turns out that "sports guys" have rather limited interpersonal skills so I didn't think to construct a "guilt free pass". We had a delightful walk - she dressed warmly. 

I love this "sports guy" thing. I can mine it endlessly. By the time I finish we will both be ready for a half-marathon.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I think it's important to put these kind of interactions in context. Specifically, they are far more often opportunities to actually connect and interact than they are to see who can one up the other.

A fitness test where both sides benefit and have their bond reinforced is a beautiful thing, but nearly impossible if one or both feel challenged in the exchange.

Nice diffusion and redirection.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I think it's important to put these kind of interactions in context. Specifically, they are far more often opportunities to actually connect and interact than they are to see who can one up the other.
> 
> A fitness test where both sides benefit and have their bond reinforced is a beautiful thing, but nearly impossible if one or both feel challenged in the exchange.
> 
> Nice diffusion and redirection.


C'mon Deej, get with the program.

If MEM were a wonderful understanding man - instead of a Talk About Marriage "Retard" - he'd realize there are far better ways of handling such an exchange.

Why inject humor and fun into a situation that could get ugly? That's isn't what the better men do.

They stand by and chuckle while their better halves log on here to attend to the great unwashed.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Deejo,
As I tell my more complicated half "I have no idea what really goes on in that byzantine labyrinth between your ears". For some reason that makes her smile. 

Even though I don't understand it, I have mostly learned to traverse it with a minimum amount of broken glass. 



Deejo said:


> I think it's important to put these kind of interactions in context. Specifically, they are far more often opportunities to actually connect and interact than they are to see who can one up the other.
> 
> A fitness test where both sides benefit and have their bond reinforced is a beautiful thing, but nearly impossible if one or both feel challenged in the exchange.
> 
> Nice diffusion and redirection.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Conrad,
The 27 year old version of me would have gotten angry and said something stupid/hostile. Ultimately he would have ended up apologizing all the while thinking "why am I the bad guy when she was being critical about a behavior that does not impact her"

The 37 year old version of me would have kept his cool - barely - but still ended up in an argument about why she feels entitled to comment on how I am spending my free time when by behavior is clearly harmless. Neither would have apologized, both would have ended the conversation frustrated. 

The 46 year old version attempted a calm, totally patient and non-threatening approach to this exact same situation last year. It took 2 conversations and one email before she finally apologized. My premise the entire time was "'you always have first call on my time, however you have no standing to comment in a negative/nasty way when I am watching something on tv simply because you don't like the show". 

In that case it was "I want to marry a millionaire". Neither of us won anything in that exchange. We both expended a lot of valuable emotional energy to no effect. 

The 47 year old version got to go on two truly enjoyable walks with his W without a harsh word even thought much less vocalized. 




Conrad said:


> C'mon Deej, get with the program.
> 
> If MEM were a wonderful understanding man - instead of a Talk About Marriage "Retard" - he'd realize there are far better ways of handling such an exchange.
> 
> ...


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Excellent handling of the "sports guy comment". 

Regarding the attitude you can "mine it endlessly", perfect! Turn the test back to her, see the good results. 

Fitness tests, learn to recognize them and pass with flying colors, and see they are not bad things! Not at all!

They are opportunities, nothing less.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

It interests me that this is a "small fit test."

it reminds me of this from my H:

"you don't know where xyz location is?!? Oh that's so funny! Fifth graders know where that is!"

testing me to see if I'll get offended and defensive.

Which, if I do, will reinforce his favorite axe to grind, that I take everything he says too seriously and "get on his case" and don't "cut him any slack" and am a "public defender."
I don't want to give him that notion anymore; so if it's a relatively small deal (like geography), I don't bite.

Sometimes, like you, humor is a good response.
Other times a look that says "wow. Making a big fuss at my geographical ignorance. THAT'S mature."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

so people conciously do this or is this an unconcious thing? to do this and respond the "right" way to it seems an aweful lot of work, lol. Maybe ive been fitness testing and he has been fitness testing and we just didnt know it, lol


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Unconscious.

LOTS of what we do with our partners is unconscious.
Much of why we choose our partners is unconscious.

I've fitness tested my H too.

I'm only now realizing that's what I was doing.

Yes, it's a lot of work, but it's worth it when it clears things up in your mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

janesmith said:


> so people conciously do this or is this an unconcious thing? to do this and respond the "right" way to it seems an aweful lot of work, lol. Maybe ive been fitness testing and he has been fitness testing and we just didnt know it, lol


Jane, it's both ...

More about this topic: Fitness Tests

and you're probably right ... about what goes on between you and your husband.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

Read that long azz thread, lol

soooo...

hmmmm "fitness test".....soooo THATS what its called,


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

janesmith said:


> Read that long azz thread, lol
> 
> soooo...
> 
> hmmmm "fitness test".....soooo THATS what its called,


You can also google "Sh!t Test" ... with an 'i' and get more information off the web.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

wow, just had an epiphany.....

thank u, thank u, thank u


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

H did the same thing again to me tonight.

This time I handled it differently, and it served me well:

"Why is it you make such a huge fuss when I don't know something that you have to broadcast it? Are you that insecure?"

It disarmed him in a way I would not have predicted.

"No, honey..." blah blah blah

and I felt no stress or defensiveness at all.

Maybe this wasn't a "fitness test" per se.
And yes, I did respond.
But sometimes you just have to call someone out, and that's all there is to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Perfect. 

A good question is often the most powerful response to bad behavior. 

One that works well in many situations:

Why do you do that to me? Do you think I would ever do that to you?





credamdóchasgra said:


> H did the same thing again to me tonight.
> 
> This time I handled it differently, and it served me well:
> 
> ...


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Yes.

And to my H's credit, the way he handled my question also helped determine whether or not we'd plummet down our rabbit hole.

I wouldve expected some kind of turn-around on me for being "oversensitive," but lo, he did not.

I felt like it was a shot to the jugular--very unlike me to aim for that--but maybe that's what is needed sometimes with a blunt, hardheaded guy like him.

And nobody got upset.

Wonders never cease. I hope this indicates better days...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

"How is it helpful to broadcast my insecurities? It seems like that is the desire here"



credamdóchasgra said:


> H did the same thing again to me tonight.
> 
> This time I handled it differently, and it served me well:
> 
> ...


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Actually, the reason i could stay calm and not get defensive is that I'm not insecure about not knowing what a "natarorium" is.
There's plenty I don't know about, and I inquire about it.
He's insecure enough that the moment I do, it's a "thing."
what I said was "why must you broadcast my ignorance?"---a mere fact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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