# Husband caught sexting.. Is it wrong?



## Deejay817 (May 20, 2017)

A week ago I found out my husband has been "sexting" with someone he met online. They've been sending pictures, talking dirty and what not.. He says that it only happens when we are fighting and it's been going on for the past 6 months. They've never met in person and they never discuss any personal information. Everyone says I am overreacting because I am so upset to the point I am questioning our entire marriage. 

What they don't know is that he was messaging with another man. He tells me that he isn't gay and that he loves me and only wants me. That he joined a swingers site out of morbid curiousity and said man was the first person to give him any attention. He swears he was just looking for attention from anyone that would give it to him and he didn't really get off to it. 

I'm not naive so please don't think that I just all of the sudden believed him. I am skeptical about the entire thing but is it possible he's telling the truth and he really isn't gay? Or am I just kidding myself and I just need to realize he's denying his true self? He swears he's not attracted to other men but he could just be telling me what I want to hear to get me to stay. I want to believe him because I love him but I also don't want to be his crutch.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If he is having sexual conversations with another man, that makes him at least bi-sexual. Hetrosexual men do not have that kind of interaction with other men. Definitively. He is either lying to you or in denial.

Anyone who tells you that you are overreacting or that it's no big deal are fools. It is a big deal. A very big deal. Your husband agreed when he married you that you would be the only one and he's telling you he only wants you, yet he is clearly lying because he has added someone else to his sex life beyond you. This is clear cut. You aren't crazy. Again - you are not overreacting.

Most people caught in this situation have already acted out in person. Of course you don't want to believe he has, but chances are that he has. If he is sexting with another man, he must have some experience to sex about, so it would make sense that things are much worse than what you have found so far. I know I'm just an internet stranger telling you this, but look at the facts and draw your conclusions as if you weren't hearing your husband trying to talk you out of thinking he's doing something damaging. He's trying everything he can to get you to believe him and rug sweep this whole mess. If you do that you will find yourself in a much worse situation very quickly.

Now is the time to set some very clearly boundaries and take some time to decide what you are going to do about your cheating husband. Please immediately stop having sex with him and if you can sleep in separate quarters, that would be ideal. He has lost his marriage privileges when he broke his vows and opened up the marriage. Make no mistake, you've been living in an open marriage without your knowledge or consent.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

No you are definitely NOT overreacting. This sort of thing is what you are supposed to do with your spouse and no one else. As well as that, going onto swingers sites is also damaging and harmful for a faithful marriage. 
As for the story he told you about why he is doing this with a man, complete nonsense. No hetrosexual man would do that. 
I too would be questioning the marriage, his idea of faithfulness and forsaking all others is very skewed. 


Unless he admits that what he is doing is very wrong and stops it for good, I can't see how your marriage will work. Even then how can you trust him not to do it again?


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## Deejay817 (May 20, 2017)

I agree with everything said here and have said these things out loud. The person he was "sexting" with lives half way across the country and they've never met obviously. I'm the only person physically my husband has been with (he just lost his virginity 3 years ago at 30). He could be in denial, that I don't deny. I tried to think back to other signs because I've been sitting on this for a week and he must hide it really well.


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## Deejay817 (May 20, 2017)

He's been admitting he was wrong for this entire week and has been looking for counselors to help address the issues at hand.. But my issues are, am I a cover-up? Or can we honestly get through this and he only be with me. Is it possible? But I will always wonder...


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

He is definitely gay and sexting is definitely cheating

I'd call a lawyer and prepare to leave him.


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## Deejay817 (May 20, 2017)

That's what I was afraid of.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I deleted your other just one thread. Only one thread on a topic please.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Even if this person he is sexting with is were a woman, it's wrong. It's a form of cheating. 

Have you checked his phone and computer history going back even further? You might find that he has been doing this all along.

You say that he 'lost his virginity' 3 years ago at age 30. Does he have any kind of normal sex drive? If he does, it's highly unlikely that any young man with a normal sex drive will go with out sex until age 30. You might be his first woman. But what did he do before for sex? Porn? (does he use a lot of porn?) or men?


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## Deejay817 (May 20, 2017)

I checked his history and our laptop history and it didn't show anything that I wasn't already aware of or anything out of the ordinary. Meaning certain websites he reads, comics, etc.. 

I've known him (not dated) for a long time before we got married. He had a normal sex drive but he got off with porn but it was always girl and guy. Obviously he could've had a hidden life so I'm going by what I know but what I know growing up he wanted to wait till marriage to at least have sex but to release himself it was anime porn or guy/girl.


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## Deejay817 (May 20, 2017)

I actually LOL'd at this.. I can't tell if you're serious!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Deejay817 said:


> I checked his history and our laptop history and it didn't show anything that I wasn't already aware of or anything out of the ordinary. Meaning certain websites he reads, comics, etc..
> 
> I've known him (not dated) for a long time before we got married. He had a normal sex drive but he got off with porn but it was always girl and guy. Obviously he could've had a hidden life so I'm going by what I know but what I know growing up he wanted to wait till marriage to at least have sex but to release himself it was anime porn or guy/girl.


A 30+ year old heterosexual guy does not just one day start sexting with a man. There must be a history of something between him and men. Something is not adding up.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Deejay817 said:


> He just lost his virginity 3 years ago at 30). He could be in denial, that I don't deny. I tried to think back to other signs because I've been sitting on this for a week and he must hide it really well.


First time sex with a woman at age 30? Was he in jail? In a monks monastery?

That is an eye opener.

Eye, yai, yai !
..................................................................................................
He has sex issues. He does not know if he is the Pusher or the Pullee. 

If nothing else, he is searching for his sexuality. At this point he sounds bi-sexual.

Not good, me thinks.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

The reason you are having a hard time wrapping your head around all this is because it doesn't make any sense. A hetrosexual man does not sex talk with another man. Sex talking between men makes it a homosexual relationship. He could be bisexual, but hetrosexual men don't do sexual things with other men. Doing sexual things between two people of the same sex makes it a homosexual relationship by definition. Anything he tells you otherwise is complete nonsense.

What boundaries have you set with him? Are you still having sex with him?

Do you have any children with him?

Are you dependant upon him financially?


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## Deejay817 (May 20, 2017)

Sex at 30 was because his family is super religious so he believed he wanted to wait for the one he married. Or he's confused. 

You see my dilemma. I'm sure there's a past but he could've done a really good job of hiding it at the time. I wasn't with him 24/7 like we are now (well not 24/7 but you catch my drift). I can only go by what I know and seen.


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## Deejay817 (May 20, 2017)

We have boundaries set. He sleeps on the couch, no sex, he has to go to counseling and we have 2 kids together.
No I'm not financially dependant on him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I was in this situation, I would put a keystroke tracker on his computer and cell phone without telling him. And I would put a GPS tracker on his car.

And then I would watch. I would just keep quiet and watch.


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## Deejay817 (May 20, 2017)

I already have the keystroke on the computer. He doesn't actually go on the laptop because it's mine. How do you put a keystroke on a phone? 
Also I already track him going to and from work, it all matches up.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

He needs to find a therapist who understands sexual addiction. It is likely that is what his problem is. It's good that he is willing to seek therapy, as he needs someone who understands these issues that can work with him and help resolve whatever is going on. The sooner the better. He will likely have homework to do, which he should plan to spend probably an hour a day working through a workbook and reading.

Good that you have set some firm boundaries right away. Most people don't do that and it makes the problem worse.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I agree with others that even if this had happened with a woman it would be serious. The homosexual aspect add another layer to the situation.


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## Deejay817 (May 20, 2017)

He found a therapist that specializes in marriage/relationship but also sexual issues. It's a start.

I want to believe that maybe he's bi and he really was curious. I started to search the internet on how common this was and it said it was fairly common in men (not the cheating part). I could be rationalizing because it's all still fuzzy and confusing and overwhelming. 
I might need to find an attorney.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Deejay817 said:


> He found a therapist that specializes in marriage/relationship but also sexual issues. It's a start.
> 
> I want to believe that maybe he's bi and he really was curious. I started to search the internet on how common this was and it said it was fairly common in men (not the cheating part). I could be rationalizing because it's all still fuzzy and confusing and overwhelming.
> I might need to find an attorney.


It may be more common in young men, but at his age, I don't think this is common at all. He should have all this sorted out by now. It's possible that due to not having sex until age 30 that he was suppressing his sexual feelings and never addressed this side of himself, especially if he is from a religious family. Unfortunately many people are afraid to face and deal with what they are feeling thinking that ignoring it either means it's not there or it'll go away.

Seeking the counsel of an attorney doesn't mean you have to get a divorce, but it would be wise to consider all your options and to know your rights and responsibilities should you divorce. Before visiting an attorney, it would be helpful to get a book on divorce in your state so that you already have a strong knowledge base and don't waste your time and money asking an attorney questions that you could have answered for much less money. You also will know what the procedures are and not get sucked into expensive actions that you would realize are unnecessary if you had the base of knowledge from having read up on it in the first place. I have also heard that some areas have classes on divorce. Once you read a book, it would be good to attend an information class as well.

I am not encouraging you to divorce your husband. Having a clear view of your options and knowing what it all involves is helpful no matter what you decide to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Deejay817 said:


> I already have the keystroke on the computer. He doesn't actually go on the laptop because it's mine. How do you put a keystroke on a phone?
> Also I already track him going to and from work, it all matches up.


https://www.webwatcher.com/

Does he know that you are monitoring the computer?

When my husband was cheating, I found out a lot about what he was up to by searching his car… this included the wheel well, a compartment for tools, glove box, etc. I found condoms, receipts, letters/notes, etc. 

I also checked his trash and found love letters. (just some ideas)

You found out what he’s up to. So, he’s being very cautious right now. He might have stopped some stuff for a while. If he does have a secret life, it will start up after he feels safe again. So you need to give it time.


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## Deejay817 (May 20, 2017)

He never used the computer so he doesn't know I had anything on it to begin with. The laptop is strictly mine and it's the only computer we have. He wouldn't know I'd be monitoring it. 
I'll just have to wait and see. Only time will tell what his next move will be. Hopefully not stupidity.


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## AlastairfromSupernatural (May 20, 2017)

Men tend to look more. Looking is natural, and guys tend to be coarser and do stuff even when they aren't gay. I guess it depends on how sexual those pictures were. If he is gay though, and you are certain, then you don't need a counselor. It isn't going to fix anything. There really isn't anything you can do.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Hello.

It is unfortunate you found yourself in this situation. 

Your husband is either Bisexual or Homosexual. One definition of Bisexual is part Heterosexual and part Homosexual. My wife is Bisexual. How common it is isn't really important when it is someone you love.

Religion can cause someone to repress how they feel about sexual attraction. Your husband could have known about his homosexual tendencies since childhood, but continually denied them, telling himself it just wasn't true, because it wasn't acceptable within his religious upbringing. Only your husband knows what his heterosexual desires are. He married you, so perhaps he has at least moderate heterosexual tendencies.

Some bisexual people have strong sexual urges for both sexes, they say. Being bisexual does not make them less of one or the other. A bisexual woman, such as my wife for instance, is not less attracted to women than a gay woman is, just because she also finds male companionship sexually satisfying. Bisexuality is usually not well understood. 

The problem of course is that your husband has cheated. That is a horrible thing for him to do to you. His sexual orientation does not matter. 

If it was only a cyber affair, some people, myself for instance, would not see it as the same as a physical affair, but it is still a horrible insult to you. It still hurts terribly. It is still very wrong that he did this to you.

You may need to find a special counselor who can deal with his sexual orientation being not straight. I hope the one you spoke of can deal with the area of non traditional sexual orientations.

I went through it, but not in the way you are. Mary has a special history, and she let me know she had rediscovered her true sexual orientation as soon as she did. I never found that she had done anything on her own. But everyone has their own issues.

Please be well, somehow.


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## Deejay817 (May 20, 2017)

Cheating is cheating no matter who it was with whether it be man or woman. 
I don't have an issue if he tells me he's bisexual, gay, curious or whatever else he decides. I just want him to finally be honest with himself and me. That's the most important thing here. I'm sure in these situations it's not black and white and that doesn't always happen but one can hope. If he tells me he is gay then we co-parent as friends and go our separate ways. I just want him to be honest with himself and me. It's not always that simple, I know.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Deejay817 said:


> Cheating is cheating no matter who it was with whether it be man or woman.
> I don't have an issue if he tells me he's bisexual, gay, curious or whatever else he decides. I just want him to finally be honest with himself and me. That's the most important thing here. I'm sure in these situations it's not black and white and that doesn't always happen but one can hope. If he tells me he is gay then we co-parent as friends and go our separate ways. I just want him to be honest with himself and me. It's not always that simple, I know.


Yes, cheating is cheating. 

I do hope for you to be able to find honesty. Given what you have said, it may be hard. From my experience dealing with bisexuality is harder than if a person is just straight or gay. Bisexuality seems to be more confusing.

Good luck.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Deejay817 said:


> Everyone says I am overreacting because I am so upset to the point I am questioning our entire marriage.


Just out of curiosity, who is "everyone?" You should not be feeling pressure from others who do not live in your shoes. 

I agree with others. You should trust your gut.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Men do not sext other men just because a man was the first to show any interest. Your husband is either bi sexual or gay.

Sexting sending nude pictures with anyone other then your spouce is cheating in my opinion. It doesn't matter if they have never met. He has crossed the line.

The question is do you believe its wrong? How would he feel if the shoe were on the other foot?


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Deejay817 said:


> I actually LOL'd at this.. I can't tell if you're serious!


Seriously, if a man gets off on a dildo in his bottom surely that doesn't mean anything other than it felt OK. Or does it? I'm starting to feel as confused as your husband.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

The idea that he started sexting a man because he was the first person to show any interest is nonsense.If I go out to a singles bar and there are no women there I don't go home with a man instead.If he hasn't had any physical contact with a man then he may be just bi curious but to be honest I don't know how he reached thirty without some sort of sexual activity.
You have to protect yourself here and **** what your friends are saying.Make him take std and hiv tests and you have to wait for a few months and retake the hiv test.He could expose you to hpv without intercourse so be very careful.
What does he work at and could that be a problem in monitoring him.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

OP, your husband's sexting strongly suggests that he is either gay or bisexual, so his sexting with men goes way beyond cheating in my opinion. Forgiving him, reconciling, and continuing on in your marriage would be a mistake. 

One's sexual orientation is not something he or she needs to find through enough sexual experiences. It's there at birth. So, 30 years of growing up without sexual contact for your husband were likely many years of eying other men in one way or another. 

His sexting is the tip of the iceberg. I hope you see this for what it is, and not listen to others who say you're overreacting.


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