# Sheesh you guys were right — found evidence wife is having an affair with the dojo douche



## northerncrush (Sep 16, 2018)

A few nights ago I wrote a long rant about my wife wanting a break but not wanting a divorce and she kept name dropping a trainer from her jiu jitsu dojo.

You guys overwhelmingly told me she’s cheating. But I had no proof and wasn’t about to blow up any chance of my kids having their family back.
So I told my wife that while she wants to leave for a bit, I want to reconcile our marriage. I didn’t beg or plead but just tried to have an adult conversation. I hate these ****ing mind games everyone plays.
she began crying and didn’t say anything except that I should have thought of a week ago when she told me she wanted a break. She got angry.

anyways, today she leaves her Mac on and unlocked. I take a wee peek.

Her search history is “how to hide photos on iPhone” and “How to delete messages”

there’s a brand new Gmail account open. It’s not one I’ve ever seen. No emails there.

there are visits to sex shop sites for S&M gear like paddles and leather face masks.She has never been into rough play.

I didn’t see any actual messages or pics, but I think it’s enough to know.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

northerncrush said:


> I didn’t see any actual messages or pics, but I think it’s enough to know.


You absolutely know. And you know what you need to do (at least I sure hope so)…


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

I’m sorry OP. Time to decide how you want to handle this…. I would encourage you to consider taking the bull by the horns — start the 180, get a good lawyer and file. Do not drag this out, you know what she is doing. She has already had sex with him, that’s what she was telling you with the “week ago” comment.

Do you think she left her Mac unlocked on purpose? Regardless, start driving toward D. Do not do the pick me dance. If you might still consider R don’t say anything to her, let her come to you if she gets to the point where she truly wants that. She needs to understand this isn’t a game, she doesn’t get to just “take a break” from you and your kids to give Sensei Steve a BDSM test drive. She is a piece of ****, do not treat her otherwise.

I also hope you took pictures of the evidence you found — it’s not a smoking gun, but more evidence is always better than less. Good luck, I’m sorry you find yourself here.


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## northerncrush (Sep 16, 2018)

Exit37 said:


> I’m sorry OP. Time to decide how you want to handle this…. I would encourage you to consider taking the bull by the horns — start the 180, get a good lawyer and file. Do not drag this out, you know what she is doing. She has already had sex with him, that’s what she was telling you with the “week ago” comment.
> 
> Do you think she left her Mac unlocked on purpose? Regardless, start driving toward D. Do not do the pick me dance. If you might still consider R don’t say anything to her, let her come to you if she gets to the point where she truly wants that. She needs to understand this isn’t a game, she doesn’t get to just “take a break” from you and your kids to give Sensei Steve a BDSM test drive. She is a piece of ****, do not treat her otherwise.
> 
> I also hope you took pictures of the evidence you found — it’s not a smoking gun, but more evidence is always better than less. Good luck, I’m sorry you find yourself here.


These were all my thoughts exactly. Thank you for laying them out so succinctly.

I actually did snap photos of the evidence and have it locked in a private OneNote folder.

I can’t make a move yet because it’s Christmas and I want my kids to be happy right now. Once Jan 2 rolls around and things open up, I’m heading to the lawyers.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Start the 180 now. For clarity, you remain polite, but act as tho she’s your neighbor, since she’s no longer her wife (in spirit at least).


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

northerncrush said:


> These were all my thoughts exactly. Thank you for laying them out so succinctly.
> 
> I actually did snap photos of the evidence and have it locked in a private OneNote folder.
> 
> I can’t make a move yet because it’s Christmas and I want my kids to be happy right now. Once Jan 2 rolls around and things open up, I’m heading to the lawyers.


This is a good plan. Let the kids enjoy the holiday, it will likely be the last one as a single family unit. I'm really sorry TAM was right, but entirely unsuprised. These peeps here can see things a mile away.

TAM can also help with your next steps and looking for those hidden pitfalls. But for now... see your lawyer and _listen_ to him. Emotional begin to detach and brace yourself for a torrent of rage, or a torrent of love bombing. Both are equality dangerous to you.

Keep posting here, you’re among friends who have been just where you are.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

northerncrush said:


> These were all my thoughts exactly. Thank you for laying them out so succinctly.
> 
> I actually did snap photos of the evidence and have it locked in a private OneNote folder.
> 
> I can’t make a move yet because it’s Christmas and I want my kids to be happy right now. Once Jan 2 rolls around and things open up, I’m heading to the lawyers.


What has transpired in your marriage doesn’t have to affect your kids.
I’d still file now - don’t wait. Swift and harsh consequences send a message that you hat she’s been doing isn’t right.
Waiting sends the message it’s ok to mistreat you.

there is never a good time to file - the only time is now. She did this - it’s on her. Be calm and be clear - her action have consequences.

timing? Well… she could have considered that at any point - but she didn’t.

whatever you do - don’t have sex with her - that’s just manipulation on her part.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

northerncrush said:


> Once Jan 2 rolls around and things open up, I’m heading to the lawyers.


You could still at least get your lawyer's input. My advice is to always act decidedly and immediately. Be always ahead of game. You seeing now a lawyer will not interfere at all with your children. Do not wait.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

northerncrush said:


> These were all my thoughts exactly. Thank you for laying them out so succinctly.
> 
> I actually did snap photos of the evidence and have it locked in a private OneNote folder.
> 
> I can’t make a move yet because it’s Christmas and I want my kids to be happy right now. Once Jan 2 rolls around and things open up, I’m heading to the lawyers.


I assume she doesn't know that you were able to get into the laptop... If that is true, then this gives you more time to collect more evidence. Do you have her phone passcode? If so you know there's lots of info in there, look online about recovering deleted texts, etc. Between the phone and the laptop I bet you will get more evidence in the coming days. You should also swing by Best Buy and grab a couple VARs, put one in her car under the seat and the other in a room where you think she might go to have private phone conversations when you are not around. You will also want to have one on hand when you confront her, and will keep one on you all the time after that while you cohabitate to protect yourself against false DV accusations. Hang in there.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> What has transpired in your marriage doesn’t have to affect your kids.
> I’d still file now - don’t wait. Swift and harsh consequences send a message that you hat she’s been doing isn’t right.
> Waiting sends the message it’s ok to mistreat you.
> 
> ...


I agree with this 100% -- OP, don't say anything to your WW or do anything to wreck the holidays for your kids, but don't wait to contact a lawyer. Even if they won't set up an appointment before the new year for you, you will have a shorter wait than if you start making calls after 1/1. Get that done now. 

Also, with your latest conversation and you starting the 180 you should expect her to try to find out what you know. So, make sure you use incognito windows when you log on to TAM or do research about cheating, start looking for D attorneys, etc. Don't make the mistake of letting her see your search history. In fact, if you don't usually use private browsing go ahead and clear your search history now on any shared computers, laptops and cell phones.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Separate your finances and see a lawyer. It's over brother.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

OP, you will get more activity on your post if you ask @MattMatt to move it to the infidelity forum. Just an fyi.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

northerncrush said:


> A few nights ago I wrote a long rant about my wife wanting a break but not wanting a divorce and she kept name dropping a trainer from her jiu jitsu dojo.
> 
> You guys overwhelmingly told me she’s cheating. But I had no proof and wasn’t about to blow up any chance of my kids having their family back.
> So I told my wife that while she wants to leave for a bit, I want to reconcile our marriage. I didn’t beg or plead but just tried to have an adult conversation. I hate these ****ing mind games everyone plays.
> ...


I hope you took pics of everything and see next time if you can have any mails/texts, etc. forwarded to an account you have access to. See if you can setup a backup/synch for her iPhone, etc. and get her apple credentials. You can pull back files from there and have someone work on restoring to see what she is actually hiding.

VERY sorry that you are here. If you need more proof (not sure why you would), get a PI to follow her for a week or so...


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Have you Confronted or done any research into this instructor ? Is he married ?


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

> there are visits to sex shop sites for S&M gear like paddles and leather face masks.


Cool Christmas presents? And, sounds like you're married to a Ho Ho Ho.

Sorry you discovered this man. Damn shame for your kids, too.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Gosh, there are many threads on TAM regarding cheating wives and it`s rather dejecting.
This is why for guys stupid enough to consider getting married should obtain a prenup that includes an infidelity clause before signing a marriage certificate. 
Good advice I think.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Damn... even though it was quite obvious at the time, I hate it that we were right, and that you have to find out during this festive season. Keep us updated bro.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear OP;

There are a lot of couples out there that can reconcile after an EA or even a PA. What you need to do is think about if you could ever forgive her if she had a PA or even an EA. Then if you can't take all the file for divorce advice.

However, if you might be able to forgive her, then you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that infidelity is a marriage destroyer, but if the marriage is to continue she needs to end it and absolutely come clean and commit to rebuilding the marriage. Some will argue that filing for divorce puts that boundary in a clear perspective, but you also need to offer the olive branch and explain that she might (if she makes certain changes) be able to save the marriage, but that it is her choice and her responsibility for what happens.

Good luck. I hope that your wife gets her head turned around and chooses wisely.


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## SearchingForHope (4 mo ago)

"Once Jan 2 rolls around and things open up, I’m heading to the lawyers." 

How are you going NC?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I find it strange that a wife and mother of 2 is going to a MMA gym. Usually that’s an activity that a woman is brought into by her husband/boyfriend. She joined probably because she met this dude and he encouraged her to come or she has a single/divorced friend that encouraged her to join. 

Regardless of how she got started, she’s so deep in the affair that she’s willing to breakup her young family to be this guy’s girl. Now unless your wife is some bombshell, this dude is not looking to steal her from you. He will just enjoy the wanton sex your wife will give to try to get him to commit to her.

Your wife on the other hand is so committed to attempt a monkey branch to this guy that she put her family at risk to be separated so she can test drive this guy properly without having to answer to you.

I strongly advise that you expose her to her family and file for D. Have her served when she’s scheduled to be at the gym. If possible, expose the POS instructor on social media. Drag his school through the mud.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> Dear OP;
> 
> There are a lot of couples out there that can reconcile after an EA or even a PA. What you need to do is think about if you could ever forgive her if she had a PA or even an EA. Then if you can't take all the file for divorce advice.
> 
> ...


Folks do not change their essential character. They can, often, fake it for a while.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Megaforce said:


> Folks do not change their essential character. They can, often, fake it for a while.


Actually, I do believe that people are capable of change given the right training and surroundings. That is the basis of our criminal justice system. That is the basis of most major religions. That "essential character" is what good parents try to form and use various methods of correcting as the child grows.

The trick is to get their attention and motivate them to change their behavior for the better. Yes, some will not change no matter what and yet others are capable of changing.

My opinion is that everyone deserves a second chance. Much more than that is optional. I also don't believe in enabling bad behavior.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

So OP did you and your wife seperate ?

Have you gone and visited this man ?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How's it going, @northerncrush?


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> Actually, I do believe that people are capable of change given the right training and surroundings. That is the basis of our criminal justice system. That is the basis of most major religions. That "essential character" is what good parents try to form and use various methods of correcting as the child grows.
> 
> The trick is to get their attention and motivate them to change their behavior for the better. Yes, some will not change no matter what and yet others are capable of changing.
> 
> My opinion is that everyone deserves a second chance. Much more than that is optional. I also don't believe in enabling bad behavior.


I understand. Just seen so much recidivism.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Megaforce said:


> Folks do not change their essential character. They can, often, fake it for a while.


That is correct. We are all borne with our character, and it is what it is, we try to tame it and control it with our personality (environmental/societal formation/conditioning),but we cannot change it.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> Actually, I do believe that people are capable of change given the right training and surroundings. That is the basis of our criminal justice system. That is the basis of most major religions. That "essential character" is what good parents try to form and use various methods of correcting as the child grows.
> 
> The trick is to get their attention and motivate them to change their behavior for the better. Yes, some will not change no matter what and yet others are capable of changing.
> 
> My opinion is that everyone deserves a second chance. Much more than that is optional. I also don't believe in enabling bad behavior.


I can usually agree with being given another chance at many things in life and marriage. this may not apply to the OP on what i say now. I don't see any way that a spouse could walk in and find their spouse engaged directly in sex with another person and ever forgive it! Some things a person can never unsee. That would absolutely forego any attempt at saving my marriage!


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