# What were they thinking!!!!



## caught out (Aug 6, 2013)

it's 6 months after dd from my husbands affair he had on and off for 6 years we live in a different country from ow ( thank god) but my question is what do the cheating spouses think about their actions say 6 months after the affair or even longer has ended do they really feel remorseful ?? :scratchhead:


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

It depends on the person. Some don't, some do. How can you tell? Well that's the million dollar question on TAM. I KNOW my wife is very remorseful. She really wasn't caught, SHE confessed, that kind of makes a difference, at least to me. She's done everything I have told her I needed to heal and then some, and has kept it up for over 15 months.
I can see the pain in her eyes when she sees me trigger for some reason (like when we saw the OM in Wal-Mart). I can feel her cringe when the Pastor says the word "adultery" in his sermon. (Happens more than you would think, adultery is mentioned a lot in the Bible). It's like living with a different person now.....but not. It's really strange, but I'll guess I'll take it, although I'm still on the look out for the old WW. So far I haven't seen any sign of her, and that's a good thing.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I'm not a WS so can't claim to know what they're thinking.

What I do know is this:

Remorse doesn't allow for blaming an affair on the spouse.
Remorse doesn't allow for telling the spouse, "focus on the future, not the past" (my WS's old line which basically said "Just get over it already.")
Remorse doesn't put a time-line on healing.
Remorse doesn't allow room for blame-shifting, denial, continuing to lie.
Remorse doesn't say, "we both did things to hurt each other." to rationalize the affair. An affair or abuse is not just a "thing" it's not a day-to-day marital conflict, it's an entity in itself.

It took a very long time to see remorse in my WS. A very long time but I do believe it's there. Still, the betrayal cuts so deeply that you may never have full conviction in what WS says and waiting for his remorse to come just made it go deeper. If they could lie about cheating, can they also be lying about being sorry? So while you can never be fully sure that they "get it" you can almost always tell when remorse is not there. The only thing you can do is see if the actions match the words:

Are they transparent? Do they accept responsibility for cheating? Are they open to talking about the affair without getting defensive and without blame-shifting? Do they avoid situations that would upset you or make you worry they're cheating? Do they do the work needed for recovery without acting resentful? and more... consistent "yes" answers to these questions probably indicate a remorseful spouse.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Great question!

I think there can be a multitude of factors that need to be considered in working out if there is true remorse.

The ending of the A, violent endings and lots of drama are usually bad signs, quick clean and calm A endings with lots of gut wrenching pouring of sorrow can be a good sign but also ofe of a missed career as an actor.

Willingness to prove accountability and full transparency is ideal, but seasoned serial cheaters know their way around after the first few rodeos 

The WSs ability to empathize with their BS is very important, they should not hold back on discussions and should be willing to disclose any and all facts and details that you desire, this the bit where they usually fuçk up as they often try to white wash or TTruth you about how bad it really was and the lengths of treatchery that they went to for a bit of strange.

Actions since DDay? This is where they prove that they made a mistake and walk hot coals to win you back.

You still having doubts?

Who's idea was the move? and has it made a noticeable difference?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My wife says that it was the worse thing she ever did, and will have to live with the shame everyday of her life. She says it was the most unfair thing she ever did to me.

She has said more but not once in the last year since true R began has she blamed me for any of it.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

HarryDoyle said:


> It depends on the person. Some don't, some do. How can you tell? Well that's the million dollar question on TAM. I KNOW my wife is very remorseful. She really wasn't caught, SHE confessed, that kind of makes a difference, at least to me. She's done everything I have told her I needed to heal and then some, and has kept it up for over 15 months.
> I can see the pain in her eyes when she sees me trigger for some reason (like when we saw the OM in Wal-Mart). I can feel her cringe when the Pastor says the word "adultery" in his sermon. (Happens more than you would think, adultery is mentioned a lot in the Bible). It's like living with a different person now.....but not. It's really strange, but I'll guess I'll take it, although I'm still on the look out for the old WW. So far I haven't seen any sign of her, and that's a good thing.


How's the intimacy barometer Harry? Just curious.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I am a FWW
> 
> ----
> 
> ...


Just curious, how do you think your lack of sex before marriage and curiosity about being with any other man played into this? 

There are many threads on TAM about women who have a wild youth and whether they are more or less likely to be faithful once married. One of the claims made is that if a woman has no other experience, they may stray out of curiosity.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

There are a couple of other women with a similar story to you on the forum. They don't post much anymore, but are still lingering around.

Tears has a huge, long thread in the private section. Just like you, she had a ONS and had only ever been with her husband. She came clean right away. Her husband left her right away.

Changing Me joined after her husband came here. Same background, but she had an EA, it was caught and stopped. It picked up and she was caught in a PA by her husband. Don't know if they'll make it.

The same question was asked of both, and similar responses were given. As I stated in my first post, there have been multiple claims that people would be afraid to marry a virgin because they were convinced that their wife would eventually cheat out of curiosity.


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> The same question was asked of both, and similar responses were given. As I stated in my first post, there have been multiple claims that people would be afraid to marry a virgin because they were convinced that their wife would eventually cheat out of curiosity.


I do not think this was a driver. However, I do think the lack of experience being a contributing factor in that she was naive and she did not know how to stop once things got going. More than being a virgin when we met, I think the reason she could not stop was she was use to not stopping having been married for 11 years.

Although, I also remember in years prior to the affair, us discussing what it might be like with another person. But, this was more of innocent what would it be like. Those discussion never happen anymore.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> There are a couple of other women with a similar story to you on the forum. They don't post much anymore, but are still lingering around.
> 
> Tears has a huge, long thread in the private section. Just like you, she had a ONS and had only ever been with her husband. She came clean right away. Her husband left her right away.
> 
> ...


Changing Me was absolutely despicable. Tears was immediately remorseful., Mrs. Adams was remorseful. I wouldn't be afraid to marry a virgin. There are just as many, if not more, examples of experienced women cheating. I don't believe infidelity is due to lack of experience or too much. I think it is a possibility in many if not most of us that, if unchecked, becomes a reality.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Well my ex has told everyone and anyone who will listen to her that I'm "delusional". I guess all the evidence I've gathered and shared with my father, brother, and lawyer makes them "delusional" as well. With how badly she re-wrote our entire relationship (used to tell me on a daily basis that I was fat, ugly, and unattractive and _always was_), I doubt she has any remorse. She has never shown any remorse or taken the slightest bit of responsibility for what she did. She claims that the 3 1/2 year affair that is mainly responsible for the divorce was actually "helping" our marriage...

Yeah, it sure did help a lot.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> It's a different world now...and I am not sure it is better.


I hear many people say that, but I don't believe it. Not one bit. My grandfather has talked about what things were like when he was a kid. If you got the girl pregnant, you'd either do the 'right thing' or skip town. If you skipped town, she'd disappear to a unwed mother's home and give the kid up for adoption. A *LOT* of this happened according to him.

I grew up in the age of the sexual revolution being ancient history. If people wanted to hook up when I was in H.S., doing so wasn't a problem. I have an open relationship with my daughters, and they way they tell it, things are similar now.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Changing Me was absolutely despicable. Tears was immediately remorseful., Mrs. Adams was remorseful.


I don't think it's helpful to go into the "who was worse" contests. In the middle of it, they are all bad. What matters is becoming a better person.

After all, Mrs Adams admits to saying one time "I don't regret the affair, I regret telling you." She now regrets that too. I think CM is honestly on the same page now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wow. 6 years is a long time!


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