# Please Help



## StrugglingDad (Nov 9, 2015)

I am struggling really bad and have been my whole marriage. This is going to be a long post so I understand if any of you don't read it, but maybe just posting will help me work through some of what has been going on. 

I have been married for 9 years. We have one child together (6) and she had two children from a previous marriage (they are 13 and 10). I have always considered my two "step" children as my own. I love them like I do my own and there has never been any separation on that level at home. They call me dad (they call their bio dad, dad as well). 

Their bio dad is in and out of the picture, has criminal and drinking problems as well as a host of other problems. He does try but has no idea what it is like being a father.

I didn't get married until later in life (later for people of my religious denomination anyway). I had graduated from college, spent a couple years working, served in the military, spent two years on a religious mission in a foreign country before I got married. I had dated lots of girls because I wanted to get it right. I had several "deal breakers" while I was dating (lots of them were immature and showed my level of stupidity back then but some of them were good ones like I wanted to have kids etc). Well the night AFTER we get married she tells me she doesn't want anymore kids and we got into a huge fight (this was later resolved and we had a child together) and then for the next couple months things would come up that were obviously things I had spoken about how they were deal breakers and she would either claim not to have understood them or flat out said she lied because she didn't think I would marry her otherwise.

About 4 months into our marriage she started becoming suicidal (she has been in the pysc ward several times now but says she won't go back). She has been on lots of different meds and seen therapists, but as of last year she won't see anymore therapists. I have had to plead with her to try and get better so the kids won't grow up knowing their mom killed herself. Sometimes it works and sometimes I have to take off work to make sure she doesn't do it with the kids home or worse and hurt the kids as well (She has always said she would never hurt the kids but there is a fine line there if you are willing to kill yourself it isn't that much further in my mind to kill the kids as well to "save them from (whatever)"). She has also claimed chronic back pain for most of our marriage even though we have to constantly find her new doctors because they can't really find anything wrong. 

While there has been a week here or a month there for the vast majority of my marriage she won't do anything around the house, for me, or the kids. I used to have to come home in the middle of graduate school to change diapers and cloth kids and feed them lunch. No they are in school so I don't have to worry about them until they get home and my oldest watches the younger ones. For the last year she has been playing video games 12-18 hours a day.

Two years ago she started claiming that she had repressed memories of her dad sexually abusing her in ritualistic ceremonies. Her dad seems like a great guy so she didn't want to confront him even though I begged her we needed to do something. I don't know if I have ever really believed her, but I had made a decision to support my spouse so I did. We moved cities and haven't spoken to her father since.

Well now my health is failing. It has been on the downswing for several years but I just got out of the hospital with bleeding ulcers. This marriage is literally killing me and I don't know how much more I can take. But I did make a vow. Better or Worse, Sickness and Health etc. Doesn't that mean tough stay married?!? She won't even try to get better. Does that count for something? I would have gotten a divorce years ago if I didn't have the situation with my "step" kids. Now I worry about them, her hurting herself, her being able to support herself etc.

Any advice is welcome.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Leave w all kids. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Stop being a White Knight, it's going to kill you and make it worse for those kids. * You can't fix bat $hit crazy.* Get a lawyer. Save yourself so someone can be a safe and consistent place in the children's lives. That's may be the hard choice, but it's the only choice you have now. 

Is she over using the scripts for the back pain too?


BTW, here's a gift for you, No More Mr Nice Guy; Dr Robert Glover


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Run!! Life is too short to be tied to that anchor (wife).


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

StrugglingDad said:


> About 4 months into our marriage she started becoming suicidal (she has been in the pysc ward several times now but says she won't go back). She has been on lots of different meds and seen therapists, but as of last year she won't see anymore therapists.


SD, you're describing behavior that seems emotionally unstable. I note that the two most common causes for such instability and mood swings are a hormone change (e.g., puberty, pregnancy, postpartum, and perimenopause) and drug abuse. Yet, because you mention nothing about a hormone problem or drug addiction, I note that the two remaining common causes are _*bipolar disorder*_ and *BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)*. 



> Two years ago she started claiming that she had repressed memories of her dad sexually abusing her in ritualistic ceremonies.


Childhood abuse is strongly associated with BPD but not with bipolar. Granted, most abused children do NOT develop BPD but the abuse greatly raises their risk of doing so. This is particularly true when the childhood abuse was sexual in nature -- and even more true if one parent actually was involved. My BPDer exW, for example, was sexually molested by her own father for years, starting at about age 7 or 8.



> Any advice is welcome.


My advice, SD, is to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself _-- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your three children likely are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD and bipolar warning signs to see if they seem to apply.

I describe the major differences I've seen between the behaviors of bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and BPDers (e.g., my exW) at 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences. If most of those BPD symptoms sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs and my more detailed description of them at my posts in Maybe's Thread. If those descriptions ring any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Only a professional can do that. The main reason for learning these red flags, then -- like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack -- is to help you decide whether there is sufficient reason to spend money seeking a professional opinion and whether your marriage is salvageable. Take care, SD.


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## StrugglingDad (Nov 9, 2015)

Thanks everyone for the feedback. Uptown...she has been diagnosed with BPD and disassociation disorder (and who knows what else. I read your warning signs and she has most if not all of those except that she is an avoider when we have conflict. The problem is she won't get help anymore she is on meds but won't see a therapist and I found out that she lied to her last two to make it seem like she wasn't having as hard of a time as before.

Update....

We separated last night. My hope is that she will see how things are without me and want to come around. I am going to visit the kids everyday that I can but I will have to see what happens.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Sorry you have to go through this, SD. You're not left with much choice. She has to want help.


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