# Lies and denial. Please help me.



## sick. (Jul 18, 2012)

Let me just start by saying this isn't my first post on this forum, and I'm terribly afraid it won't be my last. I was here only 2 months ago on a different screen name, which I deleted... out of denial that there was anything really happening. 
Some back story- Me and my H have a baby boy together. He's four months old. Ever since he's arrived, I've been strangely more alert to his behavior. 
To start with, I was snooping through his phone and found an email account in which he was talking to girls. Yes- sexually, how else would he be talking to them? Okay well I let this slide. This isn't what I care about. It's the fact that there are multiple emails sent to his ex girlfriend.
And he's in complete denial about it. He is trying to feed me the crap that it is a shared account, that someone else is using it but it wasn't him that sent it. Okay, he admitted to sending all the other emails except for the ones to her. I know this is a lie, I don't really think I need to get into all the reasons why I know this is a lie.. and you all know why. It's obvious as hell.
Okay, so moving on, I found it in myself to forget about it for a while. But just last week I decided to log back on just to see... And there were things in his trash. He has since deleted the trash. He would terminate the account, and then reactivate it. REPEATEDLY. I'm pretty sure he's just trying to cover his tracks. 
So anyways, I was monitoring it for a week, and kept telling myself I was going to wait until I had some real solid proof that it was him. But I couldn't wait long enough, and I spilled it. I told him I knew, and of course, he denied it all once again.
Well here's the thing, all the conversations from yahoo messenger saved, except the ones between him and his ex girlfriend. I *NEED* to get ahold of these conversations, but I don't know how, as they are not saved. I even went to yahoo administrators and asked them to recover all deleted emails, but they can only recover the last 48 hours. Let me add the last 48 hours was Saturday and Sunday, when he of course had the account terminated most of the week. I am not a patient person as you can see here.
So now he wants me to change the password back to what it was (i have changed it, so only I can access it, and I told him I will delete it but I really have no intentions of doing so.)

He is showing all the symptoms. He is guilt tripping me, making me feel bad for ever thinking he was capable of doing this to me. Threatening to leave me, blaming me for ruining the family. 
He has a tendency to hide out in the bathroom for a very long time, and I'm pretty sure he was using his phone in the shower because he was in there for like 25 minutes and I could hear him jacking off and when I went in after he got out the window sill was all wet, as well as the floor.... meaning he was reaching out while he was in the shower to get his phone. He is of course denying this as well. Also, when I was pregnant, I would notice he would hide out in our room, and then when I got out of the shower I could hear him quickly going downstairs to the bathroom, and spending another half hour or so in there..
He is calling me crazy and paranoid.
There have been enough things in the past that he has lied to me about, and denied... and I know he always tries to flip things around on me when he isn't being true, which is what he's doing now.
Anyways, I don't really need to get into everything, as I could go on forever about everything that's driving me crazy right now. Point is, I know I'm right, he's lying. and I just really need to get ahold of these unsaved conversations.
I don't have a job, I have no money, so I can't hire a private investigator or install any spy software on his phone or anything. 
I desperately need help. 
He won't admit it. So I need to investigate. 
Thanks so much.


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## sick. (Jul 18, 2012)

Let me add some more. He often clears his history, will close out of windows when I walk by. He used to interrogate me and question my faithfulness and threaten to leave me because he was so sure I've cheated on him (which I haven't. I don't even have friends. I stay in all day... and talk to no one but my kid.) His body posture seems different, and there's this look in his eyes. He looks so sad or guilty. Every time we get into an argument he tells me we're going to get divorced. He once asked me if I want to have an open relationship. When we do have sex (right now it's only once a week.. if I'm lucky?) he has a tendency to want to do it a lot, and it's all he can talk about, orrr he will want nothing to do with me at all... I found nudes of his exgirlfriend's best friend on his phone and he lied and told me he didn't know how they got there (he ended up telling me how they got there a couple months ago, and even the story he told me about that made no sense). He is very distant, won't let his eyes off the t.v. His phone used to always conveniently be dead when he was at home. . There are a ton of signs I have noticed, but he apparently thinks I'm paranoid. 
When we first met he would tell me he's cheated on me when we've been in very heated arguments. Then take it all back once we made up and claimed he just said it to get the truth out of me. 
Once I went to school and had to come back home real quick because I forgot my books, and saw him on the yahoo home page. I thought nothing of it, left again, and when I came back home for the night I noticed the entire history had been cleared... hmmm...... 
Another incident I came home early and found him on a porn site. So while he was right next to me, I went through the history, he tried to cover up the screen and told me 'no, don't look! I'm buying you something online, and I don't want you to see I'm even making payments on it!' ...Well he did buy me something, but he started making payments on it and actually bought it a few weeks after this happened. 
Another incident, he stayed home from work while I was at school all day, and I kept coming home on my breaks with out warning him that I was coming because even 8 months ago I had my suspicions. Well he would keep closing out of windows and clearing the history As soon as he could so I wouldn't find it. 
I used to ask him all the time if he watched porn, beacuse I knew he did. After a while of him denying it, he asked me what the hell was wrong with me and I should be ashamed of myself for asking him and thinking he was doing that (turns out he is, oh wow big shock) 
And as far as this email account goes.... He has sent messages to his ex girlfriend, random stranger girls, his ex girlfriend's best friend, and his brother's fiance, and also some girl I don't know. There is also one of his old girlfriend type things on the address book, but no messages sent to her so I don't know if he's talked to her or not. But last saturday he activated the account, and his ex girlfriend was messaging him 'i want my phone back, how did you even get ahold of it?'.... 
........yeah. So this is really cool. He terminates the account later that night. It's down all Sunday. But Monday morning it's back up and activated, and I catch something in the drafts, then a minute later it was in the trash, and then a minute later the trash was cleared. 
He denies that he was ever on it in the first place. 
The messages sent to her in email are 'show me your boobs' and things of this nature..'get naked'. 

I'm really starting to hate him. I'm even starting to think I'm crazy. I was painting my nails on Saturday, and found a purple nailpolish in my collection that I've never even seen before. I have quite a large collection of polishes though, but i know for a fact what colors I have and what I don't have. I paint my nails once a week.... and it just showed up out of nowhere.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why are you WITH this guy?!?! He sounds like a totally despicable person.


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## sick. (Jul 18, 2012)

Hope, I remember you from my last post 2 months ago. 
My last name was Idiot. And I obviously am one.
I won't leave until I find the solid proof that he can't deny. It seems I have masochistic tendencies. I am making myself crazy. He won't tell the truth and probably would still lie his ass off even if there was concrete evidence.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So he won't tell the truth, you've seen all these emails and such, what more do you need?? What exactly are you looking for?

Can you access some counseling to find out why the heck you insist on subjecting yourself to this horrible mess?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

sick. said:


> Hope, I remember you from my last post 2 months ago.
> My last name was Idiot. And I obviously am one.
> I won't leave until I find the solid proof that he can't deny. It seems I have masochistic tendencies. I am making myself crazy. He won't tell the truth and probably would still lie his ass off even if there was concrete evidence.


For what it's worth I understand that you need concrete proof. I see why you don't want to leave without it.

Can you set yourself a goal perhaps? Wait until you have something you can print out and confront him with?

Is there someone - a family member from either side - that can arbitrate? I can see that you might feel very alone right now, but keep posting your thoughts as there are people on here that have been through similar things.

If nothing else, I find it helps organise my thoughts to put them down and get them out there.

Above all, don't lose hope of finding a way out - even if that is without this man.

Take care.

Chris989


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

It is difficult to know what else you need. Are you frightened of him?

Put a key logger on the computer and a VAR in the bathroom, get the proof, replay it to him, have him pack his bags and go, then do the 180. This guy has no respect for you whatsoever. You need to show him strength now. All I see from him to you is contempt and I see no hope of that changing under these circumstances.

In all honesty, you will be better off without him from what you write.

Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sick. (Jul 18, 2012)

He won't tell the truth but I am _hellbent_ on finding it out for myself. 
I can't leave, with out the satisfaction of finding everything out on my own. It would be so much easier for me if he would just tell me, because for the rest of our relationship, however long it lasts, I am going to question everything. I am always going to be in investigation mode. I keep telling myself 'only time will tell...' and Try to be patient. As I am waiting for the final conclusion, little bits and pieces come through. Major red flags, but not quite the real thing that he can not deny. I am just waiting for that undeniable piece of evidence. 
And then I'm going to f*cking leave him and never look back.
And I hope the guilt eats away at him.

I recently read someone else's experience. She was questioning her husband's faithfulness, and he ended up going crazy from the guilt and was hospitalized. I am secretly hoping that the guilt eats away at him so much that he can't take it anymore. I hope it hurts.


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## sick. (Jul 18, 2012)

Seesaw said:


> It is difficult to know what else you need. Are you frightened of him?
> 
> Put a key logger on the computer and a VAR in the bathroom, get the proof, replay it to him, have him pack his bags and go, then do the 180. This guy has no respect for you whatsoever. You need to show him strength now. All I see from him to you is contempt and I see no hope of that changing under these circumstances.
> 
> ...


Do you know of any real keyloggers that are completely undetectable and free? I have looked some up... and I'd love to get one on his phone.... or somehow link it to his phone, but I don't believe it can be done..
I know the evidence I have found seems pretty damn obvious, but he's still going to make an effort to make me believe it wasn't him and that it's a shared account. He told one of his friends and him made a shared account a few years ago and he just signed on to see if it still worked, and it did, so he started using it. (Uh, yeah right there's a Welcome to Yahoo message from March 7th.) I also told him I know how he talks and types... and pointed out the fact that if it was an old account why the hell would his friend still be signing on, OUT OF NOWHERE, to talk to this girl. he still won't confess. Seriously.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Will PM you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Reconsidered, no need to go PM.

I used Spector Soft Pro and it was brilliant. Google it. It just works. I know it is not free, sorry, but for something this important if you can do it, it is worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Seesaw said:


> Reconsidered, no need to go PM.
> 
> I used Spector Soft Pro and it was brilliant. Google it. It just works. I know it is not free, sorry, but for something this important if you can do it, it is worth it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_












I have actually used this, its good, just be stealthy using it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sick. (Jul 18, 2012)

Seesaw said:


> Reconsidered, no need to go PM.
> 
> I used Spector Soft Pro and it was brilliant. Google it. It just works. I know it is not free, sorry, but for something this important if you can do it, it is worth it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm a stay at home mom, I have no money whatsoever, and if I buy it he will know because he's the one with all the money...  
If I had any money at all I would definitely look into it. Thanks anyways.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What makes you think he'll confess, no matter how incontrovertible the proof is?? He's not confessing because he knows you'll stick around as long as he denies. You're doing exactly what he wants.

You're obsessed with finding this proof, and you don't have a good reason for needing it either.


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## sick. (Jul 18, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> For what it's worth I understand that you need concrete proof. I see why you don't want to leave without it.
> 
> Can you set yourself a goal perhaps? Wait until you have something you can print out and confront him with?
> 
> ...


Posting and being involved with other people who are going through the same thing really helps maintain my sanity. I feel stronger already, thanks to everyone here and all the support and help. It's so easy to feel like you're going crazy in situations like this. I do feel alone. My heart is aching and my head's in a fog. But being able to have this support is amazing.
Also, yeah I do plan to find a piece of evidence that he can't deny. And I will try not to kill him if he denies it again.
I'm so angry.
We have a baby together, we're married, I've never strayed. I have so much resentment it's all I can do to not strangle him!!


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## sick. (Jul 18, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> What makes you think he'll confess, no matter how incontrovertible the proof is?? He's not confessing because he knows you'll stick around as long as he denies. You're doing exactly what he wants.
> 
> You're obsessed with finding this proof, and you don't have a good reason for needing it either.


I know you're right. But if I tell him I'm going to leave him, he will never confess to me then anyways. I need to hear it. I need the closure. I need to be right! 
I have lost it, right??


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Another plan.

Go to 'Internet Options' look under 'browsing history' and click on 'settings' then 'view files'. You can sort these by date accessed. They are not deleted by simply deleting history and you can therefore see what he has been looking at.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sick. (Jul 18, 2012)

Seesaw said:


> Another plan.
> 
> Go to 'Internet Options' look under 'browsing history' and click on 'settings' then 'view files'. You can sort these by date accessed. They are not deleted by simply deleting history and you can therefore see what he has been looking at.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We use Mozilla. Is this still accessible? I looked but couldn't find... 
:/
You're onto something! I'm trying to find out what Firefox 'sync' is.... Well I hope this solves any mysterious activity on the pc. Maybe I can sync it to my tablet. I'm afraid he'll catch on though.

Also, need to get into his activity on his HTC Inspire smartphone. I already have his gmail password and google browsing history on but he never seems to use it.


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## sick. (Jul 18, 2012)

Okay, I have synced my pc to my tablet. Now if he's on and I'm in a different room taking care of the baby, I can still watch from afar.... The only catch is it won't work if he uses private browsing... and when you go to clear the history you can see a "tabs from other computers" selection. 
So I'm just going to tell him Firefox did an update and this appeared, if he asks... I can pretty much expect him to be on his best behavior for now though. 
I can predict a slip up soon. 

I keep going into denial mode.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are not an idiot. You are an abused spouse. He is the idiot.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

sick. said:


> He won't tell the truth but I am _hellbent_ on finding it out for myself.
> I can't leave, with out the satisfaction of finding everything out on my own. It would be so much easier for me if he would just tell me, because for the rest of our relationship, however long it lasts, I am going to question everything. I am always going to be in investigation mode. I keep telling myself 'only time will tell...' and Try to be patient. As I am waiting for the final conclusion, little bits and pieces come through. Major red flags, but not quite the real thing that he can not deny. I am just waiting for that undeniable piece of evidence.
> And then I'm going to f*cking leave him and never look back.
> And I hope the guilt eats away at him.
> ...


Satisfaction? Why? What satisfaction will u get from finding him in the act? Because that it seems is what it will take. You are kidding you. What u really want is for him to hurt at knowing he has caused your split, for him to hurt as much as u do. And for him to hurt at causing your split, he needs the facts there...undeniable. To truly know.

Don't u see, he already knows. He lies because he is doing things he should not be. He hides it because he knows it is wrong. And when u catch him in the act, who will be hurting? Only u. He will not. And he won't care. If he cared one iota he would not do any of what he is doing. 

Your proof is enough. For him to know and for u to know. He will deny til his dying day because that is what he is. If u caught him in the act he would deny...he would say 'she fell on top of me...I had just got out the shower, that's why I am naked...She called round and pounced on me, I couldn't stop her...Who is this woman, rape, rape....what is wrong with u, we r just friends, come join us, we r having a nice 'chat'... choose any one of those. You will never ever get the remorse or guilt u crave. All u will get is mental abuse and torture and a spell in an institution. For god's sake, who on earth do u need to prove anything to? Why do u want some validity from someone who asks ex's, strangers, to show their ti*s and get naked. He is on sex chat and pus*y hunting all day long on his computer, he cares not a jot about u, and u want what?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

sick. said:


> I'm a stay at home mom, I have no money whatsoever, and if I buy it he will know because he's the one with all the money...
> If I had any money at all I would definitely look into it. Thanks anyways.


He's got u right where he wants u. Total control. I bet he goes out with friends too. I bet u don't. Stay at home and babysit. Wait for him to cone back for the morsels of his 'love'. U are utterly dependant and until u start making an exit plan u r stuck. Start looking at what u can do without him, how u will survive, look at houses, flats. U don't need to do anything, just enquire. Start the ball rolling. Good luck!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

sick. said:


> We use Mozilla. Is this still accessible? I looked but couldn't find...
> :/
> You're onto something! I'm trying to find out what Firefox 'sync' is.... Well I hope this solves any mysterious activity on the pc. Maybe I can sync it to my tablet. I'm afraid he'll catch on though.
> 
> Also, need to get into his activity on his HTC Inspire smartphone. I already have his gmail password and google browsing history on but he never seems to use it.


Google browsing history only registers if signed in to gmail. I have tried that one myself. Difficult to catch anything on a phone unless he is on maps/latitude. Nothing else registers. U could sign him on the computer before he goes on himself. It works well on the computer. It registered all I went on on my man's Google account. Had to delete it all. Registers nothing from his phone.


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

Hi Sick,
I understand that you are a stay at home mom who doesn't handle the bank account but do you do the grocery shopping? If you do get cash back every time you go and save enough for a key logger. When you have enough send a money order to get it. If you don't know much about computers get the hardware kind that plugs into the computer and your keyboard plugs into it. It will record whatever he types. That includes Id names and passwords. He might find it eventually but if you want proof and he has a desktop computer it's your best bet. Baby I hate to tell you but he has all of the signs. Find that proof you need and run while you're young enough to start over.


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