# Men and their ex-wives



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

My friend is dating a divorcee and he has asked her if it is OK with her to start a serious relationship with a view to become long term. My friend asked me if it is true that men always end up having sex with their ex-wives. My friend has never married before and she is 8 years younger than her boyfriend. 

Is it true?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No, all divorced men do not end up having sex with their ex-wives. If that were true, it would also hold true that all divorced women end up having sex with their ex-husband. Ridiculous assumptions.

Some do, some don't.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

There is another relationship-killer which must be considered.....

If the guy has kids with his ex, he will be forever linked to her, even after the kids are grown. He cannot completely ignore his ex and keep her completely out of his "world", because of the children.

If his ex has not remarried, she may expect him to be her "husband", requiring his attention and his time. He may not have sex with her, but there can still be "ties which bind" him to her.

The "ex" relationship can create very large stressors in a subsequent marriage even though there is not a sexual connection to the ex.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What is important is to find out the type of relationship he has with his ex before getting very serious with the guy. Only after that has been determined should she decide to have a serious relationship with him.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I wouldn't have sex with either of my cheating ex's even if I were terminally celibate and intentionally ingested a 40 lb. bag of bad crack just to make them look good!

Makes my damned skin crawl just to entertain the mere thought!*


----------



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

arbitrator said:


> *I wouldn't have sex with either of my cheating ex's even if I were terminally celibate and intentionally ingested a 40 lb. bag of bad crack just to make them look good!
> 
> Makes my damned skin crawl just to entertain the mere thought!*


I have known people both men and women who could not make their minds up between current and previous.


----------



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> What is important is to find out the type of relationship he has with his ex before getting very serious with the guy. Only after that has been determined should she decide to have a serious relationship with him.


Is it not worth looking at stats then, if there is any stats about a particular topic. When I got married I read about marriages as much as I could and found out the average duration in UK was between 9 and 10 years. That did not give me confidence at all. We have doubled that so far. But I cannot explain to anyone why. Its both our first so we have nothing to compare to.


----------



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

TJW said:


> There is another relationship-killer which must be considered.....
> 
> If the guy has kids with his ex, he will be forever linked to her, even after the kids are grown. He cannot completely ignore his ex and keep her completely out of his "world", because of the children.
> 
> ...




Are you for or against a young lady married a divorcee? Do you think it would not work?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MaiChi said:


> Is it not worth looking at stats then, if there is any stats about a particular topic. When I got married I read about marriages as much as I could and found out the average duration in UK was between 9 and 10 years. That did not give me confidence at all. We have doubled that so far. But I cannot explain to anyone why. Its both our first so we have nothing to compare to.


Interesting. I did a search, what I found is that average length of marriage for divorce is 11.5 years... not that the average length of marriage is 11.5 years. 

Your marriage is apparently pretty common as 58% of married couples in the UK never divorce. 


The average (median) marriage length for divorces granted is now 11.5 years. Marriage length has been steadily increasing from a low of 8.9 years in 1985.

It’s good to be reminded that divorce is still the least likely outcome for a marriage. 58% of marriages today will not end in divorce, and around 10% should reach their diamond wedding anniversary (60 years).​
https://www.rainscourt.com/10-surprising-facts-divorce-uk/


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Yes for the ones who don't let go and leave the things that hurt them...


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Interesting. I did a search, what I found is that average length of marriage for divorce is 11.5 years... not that the average length of marriage is 11.5 years.
> 
> Your marriage is apparently pretty common as 58% of married couples in the UK never divorce.
> 
> ...


9

So many people quote the "50% of marriages end in divorce" like it's cast in stone.

Some study was done years ago, it was publicized widely and stuck in the public's mind forever it seems.
But divorce rates fluctuate by decade, by demographics, by country, by region, by age group, et.

Some studies show divorce rates around 50%, some quite a bit lower. It's misleading to just say 50% and leave it at that without critically looking at the numbers.
My own research shows much closer to 60% or higher in the us.. The 50% study does not nearly represent a consensus.
As with a lot of other statistics, the analysis varies widely.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I should correct to say 60% success rate, not failure rate


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jorgegene said:


> 9
> 
> So many people quote the "50% of marriages end in divorce" like it's cast in stone.
> 
> ...


You are right that someone did a 'study' years ago and came up with the 50% figure. The 'study' was not a study at all. It was a reporter who went to some town and counted the marriages in that one year and the divorces in that one year. He, the REPORTER, said that there were twice as many marriages and divorces that year. And with that the 50% mythical divorce rate was born.

Actual studies that have been done are showing that the real divorce rate is about 29% (in the USA). It's been going down for years now. But that's not 29% across the board. For example:

The younger the couple the more likely they will divorce. When the woman is below the age of 26 and/or the man below the age of 30, there is a 50% divorce rate.

When the woman is over 26 and she has a college degree, the divorce rate is about 25%.

The older and more educated the couple, the lower the divorce rate.

I think that makes sense. Young, uneducated people lead rather unstable lives. So them being more likely to divorce is no shocker.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MaiChi said:


> My friend is dating a divorcee and he has asked her if it is OK with her to start a serious relationship with a view to become long term. My friend asked me if it is true that men always end up having sex with their ex-wives. My friend has never married before and she is 8 years younger than her boyfriend.
> 
> Is it true?


 Of course they don't how rediculous. If she believes that she sounds very immature. 

Many men never even see their ex wives.

Why did his marriage end? For example, if he cheated then he may well cheat again.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MaiChi said:


> Are you for or against a young lady married a divorcee? Do you think it would not work?


 We are both previously divorced and we have a very good marriage. I also know many other marriages that are similar.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TJW said:


> There is another relationship-killer which must be considered.....
> 
> If the guy has kids with his ex, he will be forever linked to her, even after the kids are grown. He cannot completely ignore his ex and keep her completely out of his "world", because of the children.
> 
> ...


If an ex is wanting attention apart from the children, then the other spouse needs to make it clear that its not going to happen any more. 
My husband hasn't seen his ex for about 12 years. They have 2 boys together, now in their early 30's, there is no need to see her at all. The only reason we may need to see her is f the youngest ever gets married. I cant think of any other reason why it would be needed. 
Those ties must be cut, and if they don't cut them then we need to.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> If an ex is wanting attention apart from the children, then the other spouse needs to make it clear that its not going to happen any more.
> My husband hasn't seen his ex for about 12 years. They have 2 boys together, now in their early 30's, there is no need to see her at all. The only reason we may need to see her is f the youngest ever gets married. I cant think of any other reason why it would be needed.
> Those ties must be cut, and if they don't cut them then we need to.


I don't agree that "ties must be cut". I do agree w/ others who said if you are concerned about your SO's relationship w/ any exes, discuss it.

And of course I agree w/ everyone who says not all divorced men sex their exes.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SpinyNorman said:


> I don't agree that "ties must be cut". I do agree w/ others who said if you are concerned about your SO's relationship w/ any exes, discuss it.
> 
> And of course I agree w/ everyone who says not all divorced men sex their exes.


Why cant ties be cut once the children reach adulthood? There is no need for them to have any contact once the children are old enough to make their own arrangements to see that parent. 
if one spouse wont let go, then the other sometimes has to cut the ties. Neither of us have seen or heard from our exes for 12 or 13 years. Why would we. Its not needed.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Why cant ties be cut once the children reach adulthood? There is no need for them to have any contact once the children are old enough to make their own arrangements to see that parent.
> if one spouse wont let go, then the other sometimes has to cut the ties. Neither of us have seen or heard from our exes for 12 or 13 years. Why would we. Its not needed.


Of course it isn't needed, social contact is never needed. We can all be hermits. 

If the two of you are happy not hearing from your exes, I'm happy for you but that isn't the only way people can live and that's what I'm pointing out to TS. I'm not giving you advice since you didn't ask for it.

We're both giving advice to a poster, and our advice differs. Our experiences probably differ, too.


----------



## PaulB (Jun 26, 2018)

TJW said:


> There is another relationship-killer which must be considered.....
> 
> If the guy has kids with his ex, he will be forever linked to her, even after the kids are grown. He cannot completely ignore his ex and keep her completely out of his "world", because of the children.


True, to a point. But for whatever reason, that seems to be presented as a negative when said about divorced dads...and in a different tone when referring to divorced moms. Anyway...

This also depends on the age of the children. The younger the children, there may be more joint involvement involved. Does the ex live in the same city/town? As kids get older, there should be less and less need for exes to converse about kid related things. When kids are grown, other than a wedding or a graduation, why would their paths ever need to cross at all? I have two kids from a prior marriage. I haven't had any contact whatsoever with my ex since the kids graduated high school, and very limited communication during the high school years.


I don't even know what her phone number is. Haven't for years. 




TJW said:


> If his ex has not remarried, she may expect him to be her "husband", requiring his attention and his time. He may not have sex with her, but there can still be "ties which bind" him to her.


This could be the case. The friend needs to observe her boyfriend's ex wife and consider the dynamic of the divorced relationship. When I divorced, there were a few years afterwards where my ex would want to talk to me about personal things from her life that did not involve the kids. Honestly, it took about three years after the divorce for her to stop occasionally approaching me as though we were friends. That's a tough new territory to navigate, though. You want to be friendly because that's good for the kids, but you don't want to actually be friends, and this is someone you used to spend your life with. No matter how crappy things may have exploded at the end, until you get some distance from the big D, your ex probably knows you better than anyone else. My ex never said it, but I think she used to gloat in the fact that anyone I was in a relationship with didn't know/understand me as well as she did. (At least in her mind.)

If this friend's boyfriend is recently divorced, I'd say don't dump the guy, but def put marriage on the backburner for the moment.




TJW said:


> The "ex" relationship can create very large stressors in a subsequent marriage even though there is not a sexual connection to the ex.


Baby mama drama. Sometimes there is an ex who takes a little joy in stirring up drama just to scare off the person their ex is dating. From my observations, women do this more than men. Maybe it is subconscious. I think a LOT has to do with whether or not the guy's ex has moved on and remarried.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SpinyNorman said:


> Of course it isn't needed, social contact is never needed. We can all be hermits.
> 
> If the two of you are happy not hearing from your exes, I'm happy for you but that isn't the only way people can live and that's what I'm pointing out to TS. I'm not giving you advice since you didn't ask for it.
> 
> We're both giving advice to a poster, and our advice differs. Our experiences probably differ, too.


So anyone who doesn't see their ex spouses are hermits? What a weird thing to say, and clearly not true. 

Jim Smoke who started the divorce recovery workshops and has counselled thousands of divorced and divorcing couples, said that the less times we see our exes the better. Even if there are younger children contact needs to be and can be limited. It helps to heal and move on. 
There is a reason why that marriage ended, and if one or both has married again its even more important to have made that fresh start.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My husband would rather shag a cactus than his ex wife :grin2:	

Although, he'd probably struggle to tell the difference really...same same and all that :rofl:


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> So anyone who doesn't see their ex spouses are hermits? What a weird thing to say, and clearly not true.


 That's why I didn't say it. 
You stated that one shouldn't see exes because it is unnecessary. If we apply this logic, we all become hermits since no social contact is necessary. If there are other criteria in seeing/not seeing an ex, we have different logic and we can choose social contact on other critieria and not be hermits.


> Jim Smoke who started the divorce recovery workshops and has counselled thousands of divorced and divorcing couples, said that the less times we see our exes the better. Even if there are younger children contact needs to be and can be limited. It helps to heal and move on.
> There is a reason why that marriage ended, and if one or both has married again its even more important to have made that fresh start.


Then I don't agree w/ him, as I've seen cases where exes got along. 

In case you haven't noticed, the self-help industry typically involves getting some creds in the counselling industry and then dumbing it down and cooking up something marketable. Advice tends to be one-size-fits-all, like this. Not everyone is healed by never contacting their ex.

The reason the marriage ended could be something like I don't like living w/ this person, which is a lot different from I despise contact w/ this person.


----------



## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Ok so I don't know the intimate details of alot of people, so here are just a few examples from my small pool.

1.) My own life. 

My ex became very abusive so I took our kids and left. Years of verbal abuse and tearing me down. Saying things like our marriage was a joke, and wishing we never had all these kids. Yeah we were such a burden on him. Threatened me with a divorce if I didn't let his alcoholic drug addict dad move in with us. He wanted me to go get another job and let his dad watch all our kids and move in with us!! I flat out refused. He told me well its a divorce then. (I guess he was trying to scare me into doing what he wanted.) 

Within weeks I finally got the strength and courage and HELP to leave him. Called him on the phone and left a message saying we left (he was on a bizness trip) once the kids and I were gone and in a safe location.

I thought he would of been happy. You know, since we were such a burden on him and ruined his life. 

Nope.

He ran off and filed for divorce and CUSTODY immediately just to hurt me. 

When we started talking on the phone, I verbally said we had a chance at reconciliation, if he took anger management and we both got counseling and worked on the marriage. The 1 more chance was only because we had kids together and I was scared to death of them being without me and alone with him. He didn't know how to take care of them. And I left him because he was getting very abusive with all of us. I had become very afraid of him and so had our kids. He was getting angry and violent all the time and it was rapidly escalating to physical abuse. 

That first weekend after court started it was horrible. It was his weekend to have them. 

I thought, I was so miserable with this guy. And I left him cause he was getting very abusive, but now I couldn't even be there to step in and protect them from him?!?

He would bring our 4 year old son home in pissed up clothes, wouldn't bathe him or have him put clean clothes on.

All the kids had to sleep on the floor, no beds.

Our 10 month old baby. I found out she cried and cried. Finally wound up falling asleep sobbing next to our 11 y/o daughter. 

BROKE MY HEART. All of it. 

My ex blew that reconciliation chance the first time he came back into town from a business trip.

Doing pick/up drop off with the kids and he was getting angry and violent. Cussing and screaming at me, driving erratically with me, and 2 of our daughters in the car, 1 of which was a baby.

We were scared. When he finally stopped the vehicle my eldest dd said she smelled something burning.

I told her just to be quiet and we would be home soon. (Let's not piss him off more.)

Also in that car trip. 

I had been served already paperwork and I was scared just to respond to it. 

He had been nice on the phone, saying oh you need to have me served.

I had a neighbor friend who is a black woman serve him paperwork.

He flew thru the roof.

He cussed and screamed at me and told me this was the final straw, me having a (N word) serve him paperwork! He said he hoped I rotted in a bottomless pit!

I told myself that day, nope, that 1 chance is over.

NEVER EVER EVER AGAIN.

Our divorce was HELL on earth because of him. Cops, cps visits, welfare fraud even. (All phony accusations.)

He even showed up on my door step the day he knew we were burying my mom with cops and phony accusations.

He called my dad at her funeral. My dad is a diabetic and told him he was going to cut off his other foot.


I never refused my ex sex (WHILE MARRIED TO HIM). I always figured it was my wifely duty. But overtime, it became a huge chore since he was such a selfish person and the way he treated me. I still never denied him. Over time that wasn't good enough and he began forcing himself on me before I was even "ready". Or when I was asleep.

SO to answer your question on if ex wives sleep with their ex husbands:

ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? I dumped him for a reason. I would never, ever, ever, ever go back to that. 

I will say I hooked up quickly after my ex with a new guy, we eventually married and have now been together for almost 14 years, married for 12. I adore him, he is my rock. God really blessed me with my second husband.

My ex did die within 5 years of our splitting up. Bitter sweet: I mourned the man I had once loved and married and had kids with, and met when I was 16, but I was relieved the nightmare and his abusiveness was over. 

I moved on quickly soon after we split and married, but even if I hadn't, I would not of ever gone back to my ex in any way shape or form. It wouldn't of mattered what guy I was with, any guy, as long as it wasn't him, would of been better.


2.) My mom split with my dad after 24 years of marriage, never went back with him. No contact. She had become afraid of him too.


3.) My best friend told me way back when about her sister and her husband. This was 25 or so years ago. They split up, both early 20's, low income, lived in a trailer, 2 kids, ugly custody dispute, ugly allegations, ugly divorce. My friend told me somewhere in all this they did hook back up for sex a few times, in the early days. My friend was surprised. I don't remember if it was during the divorce or after. She did specifically mention that the ex hubby had a new gf and from what I remember it was kind of a control trip for the sister. Like 'he has a new gf and we split up, but I can still get him to have sex with me' kind of thing.

Eventually the sister started dating, within a few years they both married. This time the sister married up financially and I never heard any more about them hooking up, just court stuff and drama that way. 

If the sister hadn't married up and moved on, I could see her if she was single still trying to do what she could to remain relevant. 

I don't agree with any of this behaviour!!

4.) Ok, very low income neighborhood I was living in at the time, apartments. This is the neighbor, in a neighboring apt, friends with my now ex dad in law. (He is who told me.)

A woman had 3 kids with 1 guy. Then slept with his brother and had 1 kid. The 2nd bro was currently in jail and the older kids were in their teens at the time. The 4th kid, the 2nd brothers kid, was maybe 7 or 8 at the time. 

The woman didnt have custody of her younger 2 kids for a few years because of cps and whatever else happened. She did get custody back while living near me. 

The dad of the 3 older kids lived maybe a mile or 2 away in another apt with a girlfriend. For a while there wasnt much contact I guess, but eventually he started coming over to visit his kids. At some point I guess he would start staying the night over, or maybe the weekend to "visit" his kids. 

My ex dad in law asked him one time, I dont remember how it was worded but yeah, it came out he was shagging the mom when he stayed the night after the kids were asleep.

:frown2:

I don't agree with any of this behaviour!!

That's all I've got!


----------



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Interesting. I did a search, what I found is that average length of marriage for divorce is 11.5 years... not that the average length of marriage is 11.5 years.
> 
> Your marriage is apparently pretty common as 58% of married couples in the UK never divorce.
> 
> ...


Thanks for restating the figures correctly to me. Its been a while since I read them. 

Saw my friend and asked her what she is doing with someone she is apprehensive about. She says she cannot make her mind up whether to commit to a divorcee or not. Her friends say he seems a nice man. 

She is convinced he will have sex with his ex if they get a chance. She says it always happens as per her work mates. 

Why is choosing just one person so hard for some people? It sounds like a lot more effort is required when one wants to seriously date a man/woman with an EX whom they meet up with regularly for the sake of the kids.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

MaiChi said:


> My friend is dating a divorcee and he has asked her if it is OK with her to start a serious relationship with a view to become long term. My friend asked me if it is true that men always end up having sex with their ex-wives. My friend has never married before and she is 8 years younger than her boyfriend.
> 
> Is it true?


I'd rather stick my junk in a blender...


----------



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> Ok so I don't know the intimate details of alot of people, so here are just a few examples from my small pool.
> 
> 1.) My own life.
> 
> ...


OH. thank you. Is it OK to show my friend your experience. It captures some important points. I asked that question too (Why leave if you are still going to be having sex with him/her still ?)

Thanks


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

MaiChi said:


> Thanks for restating the figures correctly to me. Its been a while since I read them.
> 
> Saw my friend and asked her what she is doing with someone she is apprehensive about. She says she cannot make her mind up whether to commit to a divorcee or not. Her friends say he seems a nice man.
> 
> ...


 I doubt most exes hook up.

She can find a never-married if she wants, but of course he can cheat on her too.


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *I wouldn't have sex with either of my cheating ex's even if I were terminally celibate and intentionally ingested a 40 lb. bag of bad crack just to make them look good!
> 
> Makes my damned skin crawl just to entertain the mere thought!*


lol, tell us how you REALLY feel? Don't be coy.


----------



## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

MaiChi said:


> OH. thank you. Is it OK to show my friend your experience. It captures some important points. I asked that question too (Why leave if you are still going to be having sex with him/her still ?)
> 
> Thanks


Sure go ahead.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

MaiChi said:


> My friend is dating a divorcee and he has asked her if it is OK with her to start a serious relationship with a view to become long term. My friend asked me if it is true that men always end up having sex with their ex-wives. My friend has never married before and she is 8 years younger than her boyfriend.
> 
> Is it true?


Oh, HEAVEN"S NO!

My husband:

Wife one: cheated on him with his brother...

Wife two: couldn't get away from her fast enough and all her drama - left and never looked back. Last time he saw, he said "I wasn't sure if it was her or her mother."

Wife Three: He calls me "Your Royal Hotness" - after 28 years of marriage, still sizzling.

So, no, I don't even know where some idea like that would come from. There's no marriage like the present one - that's our motto.


----------



## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

I went back and edited to make sure I was clear:

I never refused my ex sex (WHILE MARRIED TO HIM). 

LOL


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

happiness27 said:


> Oh, HEAVEN"S NO!
> 
> My husband:
> 
> ...


This is funny... I would not have sex with my ex wife, if you put a gun to my head and told me you would pull the trigger. 

That would just be it for me, I would actually die that do that, the thought is horrifying....


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SpinyNorman said:


> That's why I didn't say it.
> You stated that one shouldn't see exes because it is unnecessary. If we apply this logic, we all become hermits since no social contact is necessary. If there are other criteria in seeing/not seeing an ex, we have different logic and we can choose social contact on other critieria and not be hermits.
> 
> Then I don't agree w/ him, as I've seen cases where exes got along.
> ...


There are good reasons why exes are exes, and we don't need to have social contact with them. We don't have to be 'best buddies' with them. I am sure that sometimes exes get along, but that still doesn't mean they need to see each other, especially if one or both have new lives and new marriages. 

Jim Smoke is talking from about 40 years of working with those who have been through this. He has much wisdom on this subject. Thats where he is talking from, that its far healthier for the contact to stop. 

Not seeing them isn't because or despising them, but because its generally healthier not to and not needed. Once the children are adults they should be mature enough to make their own arrangements. I do wonder if those who still have that regular contact cant let go fully and break those emotional ties.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> There are good reasons why exes are exes,


 and hopefully there is at least one good reason why they were a spouse at one time. In some cases the reason for being an ex is so egregious it stains all of the reasons for having been a spouse, in other cases, not so much.


> and we don't need to have social contact with them. We don't have to be 'best buddies' with them. I am sure that sometimes exes get along, but that still doesn't mean they need to see each other, especially if one or both have new lives and new marriages.


You keep repeating that we don't need to have contact w/ them, and I've already agreed this is true. I've also pointed out social contact is never needed. 


> Jim Smoke is talking from about 40 years of working with those who have been through this. He has much wisdom on this subject. Thats where he is talking from, that its far healthier for the contact to stop.


Don't forget he's also talking from a profit motive, and if he says the situation is dependent upon a bunch of factors as opposed to a black/white one-size-fits-all, he will lose the dumbest 80% of his readership.


> Not seeing them isn't because or despising them, but because its generally healthier not to and not needed.


I'm not sure if it's "generally"healthier or not, but as long as it's not universally healthier then those ties don't need to be cut, w/o knowing a lot more.


> Once the children are adults they should be mature enough to make their own arrangements. I do wonder if those who still have that regular contact cant let go fully and break those emotional ties.


I can break any emotional tie, the question is which ones should I? I don't find your self-help guru persuasive.


----------



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Is the reason for breaking all ties the fear that some emotion might return?

I tried to explain to Gina, (my friend) that I think that the whole idea of being wary of previously married people as serious partners, whether their EXs have children with them or not, may not be of any benefit in view of the fact that a man may have been having sex with someone for 5 years or more before marrying someone else for one year before divorce. In that case which EX would you suspect he might cheat with? 

Where would she draw the line? All EXs or only those that he was married to? Just complicates your life trying to assess all that. My view is, Is he a nice man or not? Would he cheat on you or not? Whom he would cheat with is not that relevant compared to whether he would cheat. 

Not sure what she will do. My husband says "Surely if he is good enough to have sex with since early June, he must be good enough to keep, else Gina becomes an ex whom he might cheat with on his next one, if idea is correct. "


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Really, the only reason I can think a man would have sex with his ex is if he is still carrying a torch for her. Meaning he wants to rekindle the relationship. For instance, he jumped back into the relationship game before he detached. Though, by the time my divorce went down, I was completely detached, but my marriage had sucked for awhile by then, maybe its different for others. But I think most of us that had a cheating ex, we get nausea at the very thought of that prospect!


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

MaiChi said:


> My friend is dating a divorcee and he has asked her if it is OK with her to start a serious relationship with a view to become long term. My friend asked me if it is true that men always end up having sex with their ex-wives. My friend has never married before and she is 8 years younger than her boyfriend.
> 
> Is it true?


I'm divorced and I never had sex with my ex-wife after the divorce.

So the answer is "no".


----------



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

the one survey that I found suggests that 27 % admitted to having sex with their ex, but that includes both men and women divorcees. 

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/en...sex-with-their-ex_us_5654a887e4b0258edb3321f8

Aparently more women than men sleep with their exs

https://www.bustle.com/articles/128794-heres-how-many-people-have-had-sex-with-an-ex

25% plus 

https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/youll-be-surprised-how-many-people-sleep-with-200622560.html

So it does happen. 

It cannot be reasonable to assume the particular man will do it but statistically he is nearly 30% likely, if the data is truly representative. 

But there again a man without an ex might have the same chance for his first cheat.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MaiChi said:


> the one survey that I found suggests that 27 % admitted to having sex with their ex, but that includes both men and women divorcees.
> 
> https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/en...sex-with-their-ex_us_5654a887e4b0258edb3321f8
> 
> Aparently more women than men sleep with their exs


It is statistically impossible for more women to have sex with their ex-husbands than the other way around. For every woman who has sex with her ex, there is a man having sex with his ex. 





MaiChi said:


> https://www.bustle.com/articles/128794-heres-how-many-people-have-had-sex-with-an-ex
> 
> 25% plus
> 
> ...


Of course, some men and women will have sex with their ex. However, I though that your issue was men who have sex with their ex after he’s remarried.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MaiChi said:


> Is the reason for breaking all ties the fear that some emotion might return?


I would think that the reason for breaking all ties is that there is a reason that the relationship ended. It was not a good relationship. So why keep contact with someone when it did not work out.

In my case I ended all contact with my exes. I left them because I wanted to get away from them and never see them again. It's pretty simple really.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MaiChi said:


> Is the reason for breaking all ties the fear that some emotion might return?
> 
> I tried to explain to Gina, (my friend) that I think that the whole idea of being wary of previously married people as serious partners, whether their EXs have children with them or not, may not be of any benefit in view of the fact that a man may have been having sex with someone for 5 years or more before marrying someone else for one year before divorce. In that case which EX would you suspect he might cheat with?
> 
> ...


For us it wasn't because of fear that emotion may return, but because there was no need to see them again once the children were in their late teens. I cant think of one good reason to have any contact. That part of our lives is over and we are in a new chapter now.


----------

