# Husband says I'm jealous



## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

My husband says I'm just jealous and that he has done nothing wrong. I feel cheated or like I am being replaced with his female co-worker. Let me describe...Him and his work buddies have an annual day out at a ranch style shooting range which this year I said I wasn't going but I don't care if he makes an appearance. He took his Dad out there and I felt relieved that he would take his Dad out there to meet his Boss and work buddies and I can stay home with our 3 kids. This felt more appropriate until later I found videos on his phone that he recorded. 

One of his buddies who is newly married with his new wife and family, his Dad and also a female co-worker of his were individually in a video of them on the range. He made a few videos of each person shooting, but the females video looked like gunporn to me and the Ariel angle above her was different then everyone elses video. I didn't like that. I don't like that she met his Dad I feel like I was being replaced. I know I fully trusted him to hang with his friends that day, and then he also lied to me and avoided telling me about her shooting with them. I 'm pretty sure I asked him too who was all there he never said she was shooting with them. 

When I found the videos and asked him about it all and called him out he just tells me I am jealous and he hasn't done anything wrong. These feelings of betrayal and jealousy are they valid? He makes me feel my feelings are over reactive and don't matter. I truly want to be a easy going cool wife, but I'm just not about all this. Please help me understand what to think.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It was a planned off-site work place event.
An annual one.

You did not want to go.

The female co-worker did.... along with his other co-worker male pals.
She had a right to go, so did all the others.

He did not want to tell you because of your predictable reaction.
You confirmed his suspicions on how you would respond.

There is no smoking gun, no smoke from what we can see.

You sound insecure and controlling. 

Each marriage partner needs some down time, even if it is alone time.

Sorry..




[THRD]


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

If you keep up this controlling attitude you will eventually drive him away.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Yes, you are being ridiculous. Have you always been this jealous? Have you sought counseling?


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Your husband is wrong. He's being nice to say that you're "jealous." 

Your response indicates someone who is controlling, vindictive, argumentative in the extreme and a (here's a big-time psychological term. You can look it up. It's in books.) castrating woman.

Keep it up and you'll have to find someone else to *****out.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> Yes, you are being ridiculous. Have you always been this jealous? Have you sought counseling?


You me to the counseling it! (Counseling)

I first read this and then I thought the husband was pretty insensitive for pulling out the jealous card right away. Then I saw the 70 post count and wanted to see if there was any prior history here. The threads paint a clear picture.

OP, I would seriously consider getting into counseling. You need to figure out why you are always going in circles about the same subject and your insecurities about when he is gone next door for Poker or on Business trips or anything else. You have a right to be concerned and suspicious at times but the thread history going back 5-7 years now from yourself show that you need to get help with your worries or it may be the thing that makes your worst fear a reality, unfortunately.

Get some help, it's not that you are weak, the strongest people are the ones that realize they need to do everything possible to get 'right' and in this case, I would strongly recommend a therapist.


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## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

I knew he needed downtime and I just didn't like that he recorded her mostly. Maybe I'm all those things you say and hope to change.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Do you have any reason outside of this event to doubt your husband? It sounds to me like if there is no reason to suspect something other than the angle he shot her video at, then they were treating her the same as the guys. So you are overreacting. Sounds like this was a family event. I mean his dad goes to the work event at a shooting range and meets his female coworker and you turn that into you are being replaced. Melodramatic is the appropriate term for that I think.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It might be ok to ask him just once about, without really using the jealous card, because you did want him to have a good time with Dad.

Arial is apparently a co-worker, so she would have gone anyway, no reason not to.

Just let this fade away.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You're going to need more than "hope" in order to change. It takes a great deal of work. If he hasn't given you reason in the past to doubt him then telling you that you're jealous may be an accurate statement. Feeling you're being replaced because she met his dad? No.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Next time get a sitter for the kids and go with him. 

Is there anything else that makes you think something is up between him and the co worker?

Does he eat lunch with work friends or do you and him meet up?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Keep it up and you will drive him in the direction to do something that will give you a REAL reason to be jealous.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Honestly if its an annual event you should have truly tried to go with him especially since his boss would be there, it would have demonstrated that you and your husband have a good solid relationship, by skipping it you telling your husband that his work events are not important...i would say the same thing if it was your work even and spouses are invited...its things like this that do lead to getting replaced.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Damnation, just when I thought I had that porn thing whipped. Gun porn. I honestly never thought it was a problem. Sure it started innocently enough, the ole' sears catalog, Remington mailers. Then there were guns displayed in stores. But in the age of internet it is so in your face. Websites dedicated to specific categories of guns. Trading Used guns. and today inspired by this very thread, a google search for guns stripped down. I guess I'm irredeemable. It may be years before I give up looking at pictures of guns.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I would say that with this initial incident, you're over-reacting. It was his work function that you chose not to attend. I don't know about you, but I work with both men and women, and would fully expect any work gatherings to be unisex. It may have been a case of her not being sure about going, then deciding to show up at the last minute without telling anyone beforehand. If the angle on the camera was different (more of a higher angle, I'm guessing), that probably just has to do with her being shorter than the guys there. I'm putting myself into the situation of being at a shooting range, and it's out of my comfort zone, so I might "play it up" for the camera if someone were recording me. I'd do this to appear more comfortable with an edge of goofiness. Gunporn? I suppose some might think that, but really it would just be me trying to look like I belong in an environment that I'm uncomfortable in. If she met his Dad, that's only because he took his Dad as his plus one instead of you; if you had been there, she'd have met you instead.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

bell said:


> My husband says I'm just jealous and that he has done nothing wrong. I feel cheated or like I am being replaced with his female co-worker. Let me describe...Him and his work buddies have an annual day out at a ranch style shooting range which this year I said I wasn't going but I don't care if he makes an appearance. He took his Dad out there and I felt relieved that he would take his Dad out there to meet his Boss and work buddies and I can stay home with our 3 kids. This felt more appropriate until later I found videos on his phone that he recorded.
> 
> One of his buddies who is newly married with his new wife and family, his Dad and also a female co-worker of his were individually in a video of them on the range. He made a few videos of each person shooting, but the females video looked like gunporn to me and the Ariel angle above her was different then everyone elses video. I didn't like that. I don't like that she met his Dad I feel like I was being replaced. I know I fully trusted him to hang with his friends that day, and then he also lied to me and avoided telling me about her shooting with them. I 'm pretty sure I asked him too who was all there he never said she was shooting with them.
> 
> When I found the videos and asked him about it all and called him out he just tells me I am jealous and he hasn't done anything wrong. These feelings of betrayal and jealousy are they valid? He makes me feel my feelings are over reactive and don't matter. I truly want to be a easy going cool wife, but I'm just not about all this. Please help me understand what to think.


There's nothing wrong with being jealous. In fact, it's a good thing. It shows that you're emotionally invested in your relationship, and that you care.

Your husband's behavior was not appropriate. If he was just shooting with her, or recording her shooting, that's entirely fine. Him raising the camera so that he could get a better look at her breasts is pervy, and not ok. Granted, I'm taking your word for it, that it had a porny vibe. In which case, you have a right to be upset. He was ogling her. You know it, and he knows you know it. He just wants to be able to perv out with other women, and enjoy his reliable and loving wife afterward. He wants to have his cake, and eat it too.

A lot of people will tell you that you should calm down, and his ogling and flirtatiousness is harmless. "Boys will be boys". Well, I'm here to tell you that's a load of crud.

Husband: "I didn't do anything wrong."
Translation: "I didn't put my penis in her vagina. So my behavior was completely ok."


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Actually, unfounded jealousy is destructive to a healthy relationship. The obsessiveness recommended on certain other forums is adsurd.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

personofinterest said:


> Actually, unfounded jealousy is destructive to a healthy relationship. The obsessiveness recommended on certain other forums is adsurd.


Sure, unfounded jealousy is not healthy. But her jealousy, and the jealousy of any normal sane adult, is not unfounded. Her husband engaged in sexual suggestive behavior with another woman.

Affairs don't start in bedrooms.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

BioFury said:


> Sure, unfounded jealousy is not healthy. But her jealousy, and the jealousy of any normal sane adult, is not unfounded. Her husband engaged in sexual suggestive behavior with another woman.
> 
> Affairs don't start in bedrooms.


Nah, he's not. No matter how far up and down the street of tunes we go.

Have you read her other posts? This is a pattern with the OP.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

personofinterest said:


> Have you read her other posts? This is a pattern with the OP.


I have not. I took her at her word for the video being porny. So if she was not genuine in her post, then my response to it is not going to reflect reality.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

We need to see the video.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> Nah, he's not. No matter how far up and down the street of tunes we go.
> 
> Have you read her other posts? This is a pattern with the OP.


I just went and looked through the thread history... holy crap, since 2011?? Seven freaking years of insecurity! Good lord why be married??

If the female coworker has been an ongoing issue, then yes, I could understand the unease about the videos. Do they text outside of work hours? Do they spend time alone one on one? Has there been any kind of evidence that there is an EA or a PA going on?? If she has not been an issue up this point, then YES this is overreaction and ridiculous. 

Seriously.. if you've been insecure for 7 years, you should just divorce him. You'd be doing both of you a big favor!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> Nah, he's not. No matter how far up and down the street of tunes we go.
> 
> Have you read her other posts? This is a pattern with the OP.


I agree with you that it is a pattern with the op.But to be fair she states in her introduction that she is bipolar and also if you read back on her timeline, her husbands behavior over the years while traveling is questionable at the very least.
He knows she is,perhaps unreasonably jealous, so why can he not try and reassure her instead of disregarding her concerns.
My fiancée once explained to me that the one person in the world who shouldn’t make you feel uncomfortable or jealous is the person who claims to love you.She felt jealous of my interactions with employees and other women.I have never cheated but I realize that’s not the point.
She was uncomfortable enough about my behavior that it was becoming a problem.I dealt with it and it is now in the past.
The op in this case has her own issues which her husband is aware of and for him to disregard her feelings,whether or not they are justified in this instance shows a staggering lack of empathy and his supercilious dismissal of her concerns beggars belief.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

The problem is that with many people, especially people with other issues, it is a never ending cycle with ever-moving goalposts. If you go down the rabbit-hole of trying to give more and more assurance and being more and more careful....it will never end until you are chained in the basement with live streaming cameras lol.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> The problem is that with many people, especially people with other issues, it is a never ending cycle with ever-moving goalposts. If you go down the rabbit-hole of trying to give more and more assurance and being more and more careful....it will never end until you are chained in the basement with live streaming cameras lol.


The people living in my basement are very happy I’ll have you know.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

FieryHairedLady said:


> We need to see the video.


Well it depends on the caliber . . . . 



personofinterest said:


> The problem is that with many people, especially people with other issues, it is a never ending cycle with ever-moving goalposts. If you go down the rabbit-hole of trying to give more and more assurance and being more and more careful....it will never end until* you are chained in the basement with live streaming cameras* lol.


And Guns?

I'm not able to take this thread seriously, and I'll probably have to bow out before I get warned. Here is my take on the original question. He took video of everyone he was shooting with. He didn't single the female coworker out. this is not something to go in his spank bank. Almost pornlike is not porn. 

Second He was with his Dad. He wasn't alone with her. The fact that she met his dad id as much an indicator for less intimacy as it is for more intimacy. This is a lose / lose situation, where you become more suspicious because he does the right thing by preventing a one on one situation.

Third, You didn't want to go. you stayed home not so much to take care of the kids as to avoid having to spend time recreating in a way your husband likes. Again a lose / lose situation. You choose not to be with him and then get jealous that he isn't with you. He can't get it right when you set up rules like that.

Most men have an emotional need for shared recreational activity. You have a problem here because he has 2 people who do like to shoot with him. His Dad, and now a co-worker. And you are resisting sharing this activity. I do hope you are *ACTIVELY* looking for an equal recreational activity that you two can enjoy together, to replace the activity you are rejecting.


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## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

Not really have any reason or proof of concern that he is a cheater or in an emotional affair or anything! He most likely spends a ton of time working in a group with her. I met her at a Holiday function just once before 2 years ago. Okay to clear things up I did not go because I don't like automatic assault riffles which is the one they wanted to shoot that day. So imagine...I do not have a video to post but the "shot" was above her head showing only her hands around a large gun barrel. It looked like she was humming the AR.


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## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

exactly! what I think and feel too about all this. BioFarry

I do appreciate all the guys chiming in about how I should be less over dramatic, controlling, and such. To get other's insight has made me actually open my eyes to how insecure I can be at times and often. 

I don't want either of us in so deep that were, "chained in the basement." Someone called it. Something that strikes a chord is that you can read in my posts from 2011 and yes whenever I get a major curveball I ask for thoughts and advice. Someone said divorce him already. 

We have been to counseling, maybe I should go again. I'm sure the minute I walk out someone will scoop him up and maybe we will both be happier. Who knows.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

If you want to keep your marriage, you're gonna have to get some counseling and get a handle on this period I am sure you can always find 1 or 2 outliers who will validate you, but this is not normal behavior.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Is this a political difference?
Or, is it a Sound tolerance issue?
Or is it an aesthetic issue?

Honestly I don't think anyone who doesn't want to shoot an assault rifle, Semi automatic rifle, large caliber rifle, or bb gun for that matter, should be pressured into shooting one. It's not safe and it's not nice. On the other hand if you husband owns a certain gun and stores it anywhere you might be you should know how to check it and unload it safely. I don't think that it is important that you shoot with your husband (my wife rarely shoots with me) I do think that it is important that you two have a shared recreational activity. Basket ball or basket weaving it doesn't matter. You both need to enjoy it, that is the only requirement.

BTW you are the one sexualizing a rifle. You need to get that unhealthy thought out of your head.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

For a "normal" person the expression of jealousy and insecurity doesn't necessarily require their partner to change their behavior but to be open and talk about why the person feels insecure. Usually, if you acknowledge what it is and try to figure out the underlying cause it can be easily addressed. But, too many people aren't honest with their communication and dance around topics instead of just addressing them directly.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> I agree with you that it is a pattern with the op.But to be fair she states in her introduction that she is bipolar and also if you read back on her timeline, her husbands behavior over the years while traveling is questionable at the very least.
> He knows she is,perhaps unreasonably jealous, so why can he not try and reassure her instead of disregarding her concerns.
> My fiancée once explained to me that the one person in the world who shouldn’t make you feel uncomfortable or jealous is the person who claims to love you.She felt jealous of my interactions with employees and other women.I have never cheated but I realize that’s not the point.
> She was uncomfortable enough about my behavior that it was becoming a problem.I dealt with it and it is now in the past.
> The op in this case has her own issues which her husband is aware of and for him to disregard her feelings,whether or not they are justified in this instance shows a staggering lack of empathy and his supercilious dismissal of her concerns beggars belief.


Why? Because it often doesn't work with people with such mental health issues.

Eventually people get sick and tired of kowtowing to the demands that they get, because if those accommodations become to be expected, then things can worsen.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Why? Because it often doesn't work with people with such mental health issues.
> 
> Eventually people get sick and tired of kowtowing to the demands that they get, because if those accommodations become to be expected, then things can worsen.


Matt above anyone else on this forum you are the last person I expected to take this attitude.
You have been posting for years about your wife’s Asbergers and how badly she treats you.Despite numerous posters advising you to act you have stuck with her,which is to be applauded whether or not it’s understood.
In this case the op also has a mental health issue,she is bipolar.
This seems to be a case of do as I say,not as I do.
Or are things particularly hard at the moment?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> Matt above anyone else on this forum you are the last person I expected to take this attitude.
> You have been posting for years about your wife’s Asbergers and how badly she treats you.Despite numerous posters advising you to act you have stuck with her,which is to be applauded whether or not it’s understood.
> In this case the op also has a mental health issue,she is bipolar.
> This seems to be a case of do as I say,not as I do.
> Or are things particularly hard at the moment?


It is just that I can appreciate when people who live with someone with a mental health issue feel that they have had enough.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

If the OP is looking for a forum where she can be whipped up into even more of a frenzy about her husband's behavior and can be told that her husband should basically give up all of life as he knows it to appease her, I can certainly recommend one…


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

bell said:


> We have been to counseling, maybe I should go again. I'm sure the minute I walk out someone will scoop him up and maybe we will both be happier. Who knows.


This statement tells me that you need to work on your self esteem. I don't believe you when you say you'll "both be happier". I think you just think he'll be happier. You may be insecure because you don't feel you are worthy of being loved. You may also be insecure because deep down you sense he's capable of cheating. You have to accept that if it's going to happen, there is nothing you can do to stop it.

What you really have to do is to focus on building yourself up enough that you truly know deep down that if he cheats, you'll be okay, you'll move on with your life without him and you'll be happy again. You have to let go of him a bit and start focusing some of that attention inwards.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you had an issue with insecurity? If so, what are you doing about it?

That said, if my DH took a video that looked like his female coworker was doing something sexual with a rifle, my response would be "I trust you, honey, but think long and hard about whether you're skirting the line here. Cos I'll only say this once: If I ever catch you cheating, you'll never see me again."

And then you drop it. But stay vigilant.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

turnera said:


> Have you had an issue with insecurity? If so, what are you doing about it?
> 
> That said, if my DH took a video that looked like his female coworker was doing something sexual with a rifle, my response would be "I trust you, honey, but think long and hard about whether you're skirting the line here. Cos I'll only say this once: If I ever catch you cheating, you'll never see me again."
> 
> And then you drop it. But stay vigilant.


You should probably read all her threads and the first post again.

This man is not unfaithful. She has emotional issues that cloud things.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

is there ANYTHING else in your husband's actions that make you suspect he might be cheating?
SOMETIMES a person has a gut feeling, and something like this video is just a trigger to confirm that feeling.

But realize...gut feelings are OFTEN WRONG! 

I would say, work on being more trusting of him. If he WAS interested in this woman...he would not have brought is dad to tag along!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Speaking as a range safety officer:
Don't do anything sexual with a rifle. Lead and propellants and cleaning solvents, are not good for your body. 
If you are firing a firearm with both hands on the barrel, you are doing it wrong, but, how are you pulling the trigger?
Thinking Long and Hard about a rifle is the cause of the jealousy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

personofinterest said:


> You should probably read all her threads and the first post again.
> 
> This man is not unfaithful. She has emotional issues that cloud things.


I did. But I also know that when a man is married to a woman like her, and a coworker presents herself and shows him a lot of fun...things can happen.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

On the face of it, your husband is being inappropriate focusing on the lady in the video but if you have jealously issues (according to other posts) then you need to learn what battles to pick and fight and it may not be all of them. I would suggest you leave your marriage aside get IC for your issues, remembering you can only change yourself and not your husband. Maybe it is something to do with your background.
You cannot find happiness in him or how he treats you, learn to find happiness within yourself, take care of your kids and let him be. 
If it is his behavior that makes you insecure, counselling will help you strengthen your inner core and self esteem enough to dump his ass if it is warranted. Some men do this to their wives, I am married to one, but I got my **** together and now I am stronger, he is the one chasing after me.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

If I was going to go out and cheat with a co-worker, or do anything inappropriate with another woman, I too would make sure my dad, boss, other coworkers were all present to witness it. Makes perfect sense.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't think he intended to cheat. From the sound of it, she had fun flirting with him, and he enjoyed it, and maybe even felt guilty for enjoying it, so he lashed out at his wife for sensing it.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

turnera said:


> I don't think he intended to cheat. From the sound of it, she had fun flirting with him, and he enjoyed it, and maybe even felt guilty for enjoying it, so he lashed out at his wife for sensing it.


Had fun flirting? How do you make that leap? Because he took video from a different angle? Sounds as crazy as OP being jealous for no reason. "Gun porn" lmao. This poor husband should just cut bait and walk away from all this nonsense.


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

Just my 2cents:
From what I've read so far, I would have to agree with most here that you feel jealous about this. A little jealousy is normal, and if anyone says they've never felt a little jealousy is in denial. 
But this isn't just a little dose of jealousy. Confronting your husband the way is not a healthy way to discuss this with your husband.
Are you Insecure? Yeah. But...why?
FEAR? 
If so, what are you afraid of? 
If insecurity is steering your relationship, you can be sure of one thing:
YOU don't love you.
On the surface, it may seem that insecurity is about how you relate to your husband, but it's really how you relate to yourself.
In addition, look into emotional attachments. You sound like you may have an Anxious Attachment.

Definitely seek counseling and ask yourself why you are having these insecure feelings that are driving you to act this way and possibly driving your husband away.


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