# Didn't think it would happen to me, becoming LD.....



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Since I gave up trying to get my LD wife in the mood a while ago, I don't desire sex anymore. I don't think about it, I don't get in the mood (hard) anymore but I also have no interest in hugs or kisses either. I see us as good friends now. I feel free from the sex thing.

Anyone else have this happen to them?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

You are in denial. Its a coping mechanism. Your brain is in survival mode.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

That's a sad state to be in my friend.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

My xw lover, now new husband, he is 65 she is 53. One time told me in complete honesty. "At my age, a good bowel movement is as good as sex!" I replied, "Please shoot me!"


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Damn it cuddlebug, your avatar is fking distracting lol


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Since I gave up trying to get my LD wife in the mood a while ago, I don't desire sex anymore. I don't think about it, I don't get in the mood (hard) anymore but I also have no interest in hugs or kisses either. I see us as good friends now. I feel free from the sex thing.
> 
> Anyone else have this happen to them?


I'm in the mood for a couple of new interns... Otherwise :sleeping:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You like my Avatar? 

Yah, I know its sad, but you can only go so long without and then......doesn't matter anymore.

Or it could be a coping mechanism and the next hot woman that hits on me, wanting sex, could be a disaster for me.


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

cuddlebug I am jelous....My life would be much easier if I could just not have all these feelings and just be my wifes roommate. She would love it!!!! 

I wish I could just take a roommate pill.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, I've become celibate from HD since February! STBX claims the same, but chances are she's taking it 3-ways lol


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I think LD spouses that put their HD spouses through this should be out the door. They aren't meeting our needs, like they're supposed to in a marriage or even half way, but they expect their needs met, otherwise its all us HD's fault......


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Transitioning to roommate status involves not taking any krap you would be taking from a roomie, and not providing any services that you would be providing to a roomie...

Spice it up with some anger and apathy and see what happens.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

john117 said:


> Transitioning to roommate status involves not taking any krap you would be taking from a roomie, and not providing any services that you would be providing to a roomie...
> 
> Spice it up with some anger and apathy and see what happens.


Sometimes a well-timed throwing of a wrench into the works has very interesting results.

I agree; shake things up a bit.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

My H reported the same thing when we didn't have sex (well very little sex) due to his ED/PA issues. He said he didn't feel like a man and rarely felt turned on. When he did feel turned in it just reminded him of what a failure he was


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I could shake things up a bit, and say, I'm going out to the bar, see you at 4am......

Or I could say, have you met my mistress?

Of course I'm joking...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh cuddlebug, I'm so sorry. 

I wish I could take all your wives into a room and smack them! 

If I was't getting enough sex, at this point in my life, and My H just stuck his head in the sand, I would inform him of my plans to find a f-buddy. I really would. At this point, sex is all we have so if that goes... Not seeing a reason to stick around.

I feel for you. This is a real need and I think it horribly unfair that you are expected to just go without and be happy about it.

be kind to your room mate, but you don't have to be loving to your room mate!


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

> I wish I could take all your wives into a room and smack them!


This!!!


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## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Oh cuddlebug, I'm so sorry.
> 
> *I wish I could take all your wives into a room and smack them!
> 
> ...


Aren't you the one who (with an almost boastful and proud tone I might add) admitted to keeping your husband in a sexless marriage for over 20 years--the best sexual years of his life? I'm pretty sure it was you... if so, your comment above is nothing short of pure disgust.

To the OP, yes, I can relate to what you're going through. I think you were the one who commented on my thread from last month. The wife is no longer no-drive (I won't even say she was LD), but I just don't really care anymore. I think it's a combination of a lot of things. I'm in my mid-30s and my drive and libido have decreased quite a bit over the last few years. Combined with work stresses and this thing we call life, sex is no longer what it was to me. Also, I think the scarcity of the sex was an incentive for me to yearn it all the more back when she was asexual. Now that sex with the wife is more of a commodity, it's just not that important to me anymore. Maybe I'm not as HD as I once thought I was.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Work stress?

Like if I stay as celibate as a Tibetan monk with extra LD my work will magically resolve into a lab full of ERP instrumentation connected to unicorns and all my test subjects will score exactly what my experiment says they should?

Where do I sign up?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MicroStorm said:


> Aren't you the one who (with an almost boastful and proud tone I might add) admitted to keeping your husband in a sexless marriage for over 20 years--the best sexual years of his life? I'm pretty sure it was you... if so, your comment above is nothing short of pure disgust.
> .



Yes, that was me. And that's why I don't think anyone should stay in a sexless and unhappy marriage. Why did my H put up with it? Why didn't he ever try to solve the problem? Why did he just turn over and drop it, if it was important to him? Why didn't he give me an ultimatum? Why did he never seek to solve the problem and instead just shut down? My marriage has been pretty much a cluster fvck of trial and error, on top of error on top of error on top of error.So where is my husbands' medal for sticking it out a shutting down and turning it off? What is his pay off for still being here, getting a ton of wild sex now, but he's lost all those years. Why did he do that? I can't pretend to know how I would have reacted if he had made it an issue, if he had insisted on MC, if he had done something other than suffer in silence. But I can tell you we wouldn't be at year 28 and STILL trying to make this work!

I've been healthy for a number of years now and I'm not going backward. He should have kicked me to the curb... But to do that, he would have to take a stand and fight for what he wants. 

Men aren't supposed to do that in marriage. I think they've gotten the message somewhere that they HAVE to suffer at their wives hands... Much like women expected to suffer at their husbands hands in the bad old days.

So take a stand Man! Is it important to you or not? You have every right to have your needs met. You're not a bad guy because you need to connect sexually with your wife. She's the bad guy for keepingyou away and not confronting HER demons!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Men aren't supposed to do that in marriage. I think they've gotten the message somewhere that they HAVE to suffer at their wives hands... Much like women expected to suffer at their husbands hands in the bad old days.


Her loss as much as mine. If it has come to the point that the only desired pleasures in life are buying art, going on expensive foreign trips, living in a nice place, and the such, versus lowly sex (free of charge), then it's her loss as much as it is mine.

At least I'll die knowing what I know, while she'll die ignorant, and probably, if we see them 80-year old lovebirds in Florida in 25 years, she'll get the message shortly before we kick the bucket.

But suffer? nope. Pay back reduces the suffering tremendously.


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## Red2 (Apr 28, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Since I gave up trying to get my LD wife in the mood a while ago, I don't desire sex anymore. I don't think about it, I don't get in the mood (hard) anymore but I also have no interest in hugs or kisses either. I see us as good friends now. I feel free from the sex thing.
> 
> Anyone else have this happen to them?


So sorry to hear this.... Please don't give up. Try with someone else, someone who is HD.... And yes, your cute kitty avatar licking my screen is terribly distracting


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Anon Pink said:


> So take a stand Man! Is it important to you or not? You have every right to have your needs met. You're not a bad guy because you need to connect sexually with your wife. She's the bad guy for keeping you away and not confronting HER demons!


I so agree with this - every word. Life is too short.

Sex may be less than 10% of a marriage but when it is lacking, it FEELS Like 90% of the problems... This can't be helped.. it is THAT important , it serves so very much within us...emotionally, physically, some would even say spiritually.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I so agree with this - every word. Life is too short.
> 
> Sex may be less than 10% of a marriage but when it is lacking, it FEELS Like 90% of the problems... This can't be helped.. it is THAT important , it serves so very much within us...emotionally, physically, some would even say spiritually.


It greases wheels, smooths friction and provides continuity.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Hey CB....

I think I know exactly what you are going through


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I've done so much to improve myself in hopes to get the desire from my wife. All I get is complements from other women.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Trickster said:


> I've done so much to improve myself in hopes to get the desire from my wife. All I get is complements from other women.


Trickster, what all have you improved and by how much?

The outside attention is kinda healthy to have if you aren't getting it from home. I know you'd prefer your own honey to show you that attention and love.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

john117 said:


> Her loss as much as mine. If it has come to the point that the only desired pleasures in life are buying art, going on expensive foreign trips, living in a nice place, and the such, versus lowly sex (free of charge), then it's her loss as much as it is mine.
> 
> At least I'll die knowing what I know, while she'll die ignorant, and probably, if we see them 80-year old lovebirds in Florida in 25 years, she'll get the message shortly before we kick the bucket.
> 
> But suffer? nope. Pay back reduces the suffering tremendously.



I don't understand what you're saying here?

Do you mean that because you both share the loss of a sex life it is more palatable? But your wife isn't interested in sex so it is not her loss, but yours alone. Are you suggesting that at some point prior to death in dottage, she will come to realize all the years she wasted not having sex with you and regret it? And that's your pay back?

I can't possibly have that right! Please correct me...


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Since I gave up trying to get my LD wife in the mood a while ago, I don't desire sex anymore. I don't think about it, I don't get in the mood (hard) anymore but I also have no interest in hugs or kisses either. I see us as good friends now. I feel free from the sex thing.
> 
> Anyone else have this happen to them?


Your disconnecting from something/someone who is rejecting you. Its a defense mechanism that all humans have. Cuddlebug come on over to the Ladies lounge we are having a discussion abot this precise thing, if you want a open and honest discussion with some ladies's point of view


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Yes, that was me. And that's why I don't think anyone should stay in a sexless and unhappy marriage. Why did my H put up with it? Why didn't he ever try to solve the problem? Why did he just turn over and drop it, if it was important to him? Why didn't he give me an ultimatum? Why did he never seek to solve the problem and instead just shut down? My marriage has been pretty much a cluster fvck of trial and error, on top of error on top of error on top of error.So where is my husbands' medal for sticking it out a shutting down and turning it off? What is his pay off for still being here, getting a ton of wild sex now, but he's lost all those years. Why did he do that? I can't pretend to know how I would have reacted if he had made it an issue, if he had insisted on MC, if he had done something other than suffer in silence. But I can tell you we wouldn't be at year 28 and STILL trying to make this work!
> 
> I've been healthy for a number of years now and I'm not going backward. He should have kicked me to the curb... But to do that, he would have to take a stand and fight for what he wants.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Fight for what you want. Otherwise accept the status quo. Part of a husbands role is to guide the family and teach.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> :iagree: Fight for what you want. Otherwise accept the status quo. Part of a husbands role is to guide the family and teach.




Why should it be a fight. Guiding and fighting are two different things. If CuddleBug is initiating all the hugs, kisses, foreplay, romance, and cuddling and his wife just sits there on the receiving end, what fun is that? If CuddleBug stops initiating intimacy, everything stops. How long should CuddleBug "fight" for crumbs from a wife who has zero interest in affection of any kind? Maybe just maybe his wife isn't worth the fight anymore. Why bother? He is just allowing his libido to match his LD wife. If we don't use it, we lose it!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Do you mean that because you both share the loss of a sex life it is more palatable? But your wife isn't interested in sex so it is not her loss, but yours alone. Are you suggesting that at some point prior to death in dottage, she will come to realize all the years she wasted not having sex with you and regret it? And that's your pay back?


If she were not interested in sex she would be watching QVC or CNN instead of steamy middle aged victim female flicks on Lifetime Movie Network and more on HBO . She is interested but on her terms only. After 4 rejects in 3 weeks hopefully she has gotten the message that there's more to married sex than MMSL (the merchant marine sex life not that guy's book) So it is her loss as well and the difference is one of level. 

People realize all kinds of things as they get closer to the end. Especially intelligent people, and with a hard science doctorate she is far from stupid. Right now as her work consumes 90% of her life she may not notice but in a decade when she's retired she will. Given she comes from awesome genetic stock and is perfectly healthy at 54 I hope it will be a long time of "oh sh!ts" echoing from the Tampa / St. Pete area...

Her father is still active, working, and dating in his 80's after his wife passed on a few years ago... 

My revenge is to live long enough to hear the above mentioned expletives... Plus to ensure that the way there has its share of bumps... Her idea of retirement requires magical thinking that would make Disneyworld pale by comparison... No point making it easier... Her idea of retirement is a house bigger than our current one in a nice warm place. Good luck with that unless we're talking the Bayou


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

john117 said:


> If she were not interested in sex she would be watching QVC or CNN instead of steamy middle aged victim female flicks on Lifetime Movie Network and more on HBO . She is interested but on her terms only. After 4 rejects in 3 weeks hopefully she has gotten the message that there's more to married sex than MMSL (the merchant marine sex life not that guy's book) So it is her loss as well and the difference is one of level.
> 
> People realize all kinds of things as they get closer to the end. Especially intelligent people, and with a hard science doctorate she is far from stupid. Right now as her work consumes 90% of her life she may not notice but in a decade when she's retired she will. Given she comes from awesome genetic stock and is perfectly healthy at 54 I hope it will be a long time of "oh sh!ts" echoing from the Tampa / St. Pete area...
> 
> ...


Hmm, so you are standing next to her as the bus comes barreling down the road, hoping to be healthy enough to laugh when she realizes she should have taken a different path?

Ummm, really? This is your plan? You seem smarter than that?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Trickster said:


> Why should it be a fight. Guiding and fighting are two different things. If CuddleBug is initiating all the hugs, kisses, foreplay, romance, and cuddling and his wife just sits there on the receiving end, what fun is that? If CuddleBug stops initiating intimacy, everything stops. How long should CuddleBug "fight" for crumbs from a wife who has zero interest in affection of any kind? Maybe just maybe his wife isn't worth the fight anymore. Why bother? He is just allowing his libido to match his LD wife. If we don't use it, we lose it!


Why because otherwise you are living in an unacceptable situation. Waiting until the cows some home... that's why you fight for your marriage and all it entails in full. Men fix things... and don't give up when its too hard... keep plugging away.

Otherwise might as well divorce (because you feel its entirely/mostly your wife's issue)and go ruin another woman's life over time.... or you simply look at the situation in detail... apply the necessary fixes with or without third party help and hold your wife accountable (and yourself accountable). You make the sexless/non-intimate marriage dissolve under its own weight over time to WANT to be intimate with you again.

Otherwise you are living in a fairly tale world where things just come to you. Face it you had it good for years now you don't and you have two choices do something about it or don't.

Who promised you an easy life without hurdles?
We are talking another human of another sex... have to be smart about how you change their perception of you over time. Strength and resolve go far.

You don't fight for crumbs.. you fight for the whole enchilada. You simply become HER BEST OPTION. You self reflect and grow as a man and guide your wife back.

I don't know about you..but once my marriage goes sexless its a fight. She's not playing fair so the gloves come off... for the benefit of both of us. Sexless is a symptom of a marriage who's dynamics are screwed up.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

Cuddlebug, if the absence of drive is temporary, it is a window of The Law of Detachment. It is a perspective-gaining window. Now you can see the pattern: frustration + miscommunication + resentment = shutdown. Now that you're temporarily not horny, perhaps you can have the most honest conversation with your wife than ever before. Because it's not sex-outcome dependent. The Hedonic Paradox says that chasing or grasping for pleasure makes the pleasure evade and elude. Like a monkey whose paw is trapped in the cookie jar, relaxing the fist is all it takes for freedom. Since you're not employing tactics to manipulate wife into sexing you, maybe she'll finally get real with you, and you will be able to listen and absorb, and the two of you can reconnect and maybe even fall in love all over again. Stranger things have happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It's not a plan. You deal with what life hands you. I'm sure she did not choose BPD or to be born in a skrewed up country. 

As I said there are more important things to worry about. If she realizes the importance of emotional connection next year, good for her. If she realizes it right before assuming room temperature then too bad for her. 

All the material possessions and work accolades in the world won't make up for not connecting with her family. That's what this is all about. At 80 I am pretty sure I can count on my girls for visits in my nursing home. Judging from how often her children talk to her I doubt she will have the same treatment from them

BPD's fear abandonment the most so let's see how this works in another two or three decades. I don't mind isolation, but she absolutely falls apart without constant contact and validation..


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

Bravo, AnonPink! I agree that it's much more big boy panties for a man to decide, "F this, I'm outta here" than to sell his soul for a houseful of material wealth and marital bitterness.

John, I feel for you, because a person who thinks feelings don't matter, was made to believe HIS feelings don't matter. Well, they do. Your feelings matter. I hope you dont utterly drown in the bitterness. You've got some great characteristics. What a waste of potential for you to use them for cheering on a sinking ship, enjoying inflicting pain as good as the pain being inflicted on you. That is the saddest thing ever, to become your own frenemy. Sending you Metta.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Ah, Salamander, if an anonymous donor would care to cough up half a mil dollars for my girls' college I'd be more than happy to play Single And Available. 

Ultimately it's a sacrifice like donating a kidney to your kid. They get life and you sacrifice bourbon. A fair trade off.

I had a good run in Europe and a good quarter century run with her here. I do not want to repeat my parents' mistake of sinking all their money into a nice villa that has sat empty for decades instead of spending the money to have some fun for themselves or help their kids for college.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

That's awesome but what did your daughters learn about love and marriage? Can they learn that in college? I've always lived on the edge of financial ruin, enjoying life and love is my priority. Kids will have to earn their way thru college like i did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

Btw i want to extend loads of compassion for living with someone with bpd. You have at least some streak of saint in you to do that. But living with bpd is contagious, it is "ambient abuse" towards you (although not intentionally. Bpd is like a fart that stinks up everybody's air, no matter what the person with bpd tries to do!). You need mh care, no matter what wife's treatment plan is or isnt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Well, so far the girls have done well in the love department. The older managed a 3 year relationship from HS to college tho her suitor transferred to our local school to be closer to mommy and brothers giving up a spot in an NCAA Div 1 sport (that's emotional connection to y'all)... They'll continue long distance or not but overall she's pretty normal. She is 100% focused on school and has the grades and talent to show for it. Thanks to her looks "she commands attention when entering a room full of strangers" (quote from a teacher recommendation letter ) and knows how to handle herself. The younger is an enigma in the relationship department, equal looks but too brainy for most of her potential suitors I guess.

Both are looking into 10+ years each of college like their parents. 

BPD requires very strong boundaries to manage so what one would consider annoying or spiteful responses is often just that, firm boundaries.


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

john117 said:


> Ah, Salamander, if an anonymous donor would care to cough up half a mil dollars for my girls' college I'd be more than happy to play Single And Available.


You are in luck my friend! The president of the Nigerian Central Bank just contacted me by e-mail and needs my help to release 5 (FIVE) BILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS that are currently held in a frozen account.

When it's over I will get a 10% cut. I will be more than happy to gift you the half mil you require


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

Lmao, RFGuy!!!

Glad your girls are happy, John, that rocks! 

Oh boy I am well acquainted with bpd from the inside out! That's how I know how hard it is to live with. The Monster Eye is a relentless bastard. Everything I would look at, I hated. Rage and hate like a demonic possession! And pseudo-seizures, and hiding in the closet, the works. My husband is definitely a bonafide saint!

Have a good one 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Thanks for all the support everyone. Its very much appreciated.

It's funny that when I'm in the mood, it usually never happens, so I gave up. But when my wifee is in the mood, I have no choice.

What's up with that?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I came home from work yesterday and my wife had the day off because we work different days of the week.

I had a shower and went downstairs to have a nap and watch TV. She yells from upstairs, come upstairs (sex). I tell her, no, I'm tired and not in the mood. So she came downstairs and jumps on me to cuddle, only wearing her housecoat. 30 minutes later, she is licking my neck, her hand in my underwear and rubbing herself on me. I just lay there. She gets on top and starts really riding me. What do you want she says? I tell her, I want a BJ standing up, so after I was in her, she got on her knees and gave me a BJ (has never done that), then I bent her over the couch and did her doggie style, the I got her on her knees again and in between her breasts, then missionary on the couch. Then we went upstairs, I put her feet together and did her feet, then I asked her, lets try your vibrator and if you like it, great, if not, I'll throw it out. She smiles, I already tried it today. Did you orgasm and like it? OH YES, she says and she orgasmed from it earlier. So as she used it on herself, as I gave her oral and she almost orgasmed again that day. Then I finished in her, missionary, but here's the issue. Since it's been 1.5 months of no sex, I had a hard time having an orgasm and when I did cum, it was almost difficult. This morning, I rolled her over and had sex with her again and again, hard for me to orgasm.

Is this due to no sex for so long? Use it or lose it?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Thanks for all the support everyone. Its very much appreciated.
> 
> It's funny that when I'm in the mood, it usually never happens, so I gave up. But when my wifee is in the mood, I have no choice.
> 
> What's up with that?


That is what your wife doesn't understand because she's not here on TAM! I started this long before I found TAM, but I told my H years ago, I would only turn him away if it was the first few days of my period when I am so miserable I don't want anyone near me. he laughed and said he doesn't want to be near me then either so it works out. But after coming to TAM and learning about men, because my husband never told me this, I now understand how hurtful and unfair it is for a wife to turn her husband away yet expect him to be ready when SHE decides it's time.

Women just don't understand this and other women need to start helping them get it! When I hear a friend talk about her H always wanting sex, which doesn't happen very often, I ask them if they expect him to be able to respond when they do want it, then launch into a discussion about men needing to connect via sex and women needing to connect in order for sex to get on the table. I have seen the anger evaporate when that lightbulb goes off!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> I came home from work yesterday and my wife had the day off because we work different days of the week.
> 
> I had a shower and went downstairs to have a nap and watch TV. She yells from upstairs, come upstairs (sex). I tell her, no, I'm tired and not in the mood. So she came downstairs and jumps on me to cuddle, only wearing her housecoat. 30 minutes later, she is licking my neck, her hand in my underwear and rubbing herself on me. I just lay there. She gets on top and starts really riding me. What do you want she says? I tell her, I want a BJ standing up, so after I was in her, she got on her knees and gave me a BJ (has never done that), then I bent her over the couch and did her doggie style, the I got her on her knees again and in between her breasts, then missionary on the couch. Then we went upstairs, I put her feet together and did her feet, then I asked her, lets try your vibrator and if you like it, great, if not, I'll throw it out. She smiles, I already tried it today. Did you orgasm and like it? OH YES, she says and she orgasmed from it earlier. So as she used it on herself, as I gave her oral and she almost orgasmed again that day. Then I finished in her, missionary, but here's the issue. Since it's been 1.5 months of no sex, I had a hard time having an orgasm and when I did cum, it was almost difficult. This morning, I rolled her over and had sex with her again and again, hard for me to orgasm.
> 
> Is this due to no sex for so long? Use it or lose it?


First, bravo for getting some!

Obviously this is just a guess, but could resentment be playing a role in trouble climaxing? I'm sure it was frustrating but I can think of a number of erectile issues MUCH worse than that!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I think it may be she is insecure and never really orgasms.

Since she used the vib for the first time and orgasmed and she loves it, now she can have an orgasm whenever she wants.

Perhaps that will get her in the mood much more instead once every few months?

I even told her, the vib is solely for you and use it. She smiles. Maybe this is the turning point for her?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

john117 said:


> Well, so far the girls have done well in the love department. The older managed a 3 year relationship from HS to college tho her suitor transferred to our local school to be closer to mommy and brothers giving up a spot in an NCAA Div 1 sport (that's emotional connection to y'all)... They'll continue long distance or not but overall she's pretty normal. She is 100% focused on school and has the grades and talent to show for it. Thanks to her looks "she commands attention when entering a room full of strangers" (quote from a teacher recommendation letter ) and knows how to handle herself. The younger is an enigma in the relationship department, equal looks but too brainy for most of her potential suitors I guess.
> 
> Both are looking into 10+ years each of college like their parents.
> 
> BPD requires very strong boundaries to manage so what one would consider annoying or spiteful responses is often just that, firm boundaries.


John, you managed to get through college and grad school without help. Both your daughters will also manage. Maybe instead of paying for all, you pay for a third. We have two out of college and both in grad school. We paid half of college and third of grad school. It's made them better educational consumers and they are both working their butts off to earn their keep ND graduate as soon as possible!

Both my H and I paid our own way through college, both of us worked full time and school full time. As you know it is exhausting! But those were life lessons we felt were vital for our kids to have. 

You only get one life one time. 

BTW, my mother is like your wife in the future. The guilt and burden is horrific! THAT's what you should protect them from!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Alas, kind of difficult to work your way thru T14 law school... Not to mention my estimates include similar amount of sweat equity in terms of scholarships, co-ops, fellowships, and the like. 

In our days a decent GRE and a pulse guaranteed an assistantship, tuition waiver, and basically the dolce vita enjoyed by graduate assistants nationwide. Today the stakes are much higher and funding is not as forthcoming if at all available.

The most important part is that my girls ended up normal. My older did therapy for 3 years and carries the proud tradition of ADD in our family like me. The younger, seen by the same therapist was proclaimed impossibly normal given the background.

The only thing both girls lost, and they know it, was the innocence (lolz) of teenager-hood. They basically went from 12 to 30 in a hurry. A skilled therapist can tell, but common mortals can't. 

In tomorrow's episode: "if you like my daughter I'm sure you will like me as well, and hopefully even tho you're Jewish you won't mind this ultra cool Lebanese restaurant where nothing is kosher and please don't dump your ice cold drink on your crotch like last time"...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> I think it may be she is insecure and never really orgasms.
> 
> Since she used the vib for the first time and orgasmed and she loves it, now she can have an orgasm whenever she wants.
> 
> ...


I think you're right!

Word of warning, once she really knows how to orgasm.. Look out! She will want to make up missed time! Start resting now...


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

john117 said:


> People realize all kinds of things as they get closer to the end. Especially intelligent people, and with a hard science doctorate she is far from stupid. Right now as her work consumes 90% of her life she may not notice but in a decade when she's retired she will.


Movies sometimes have an impact on me. More than most perhaps. Might not be your or her thing, but I'll mention your talk about retirement, and your talk about now, has moved my brain to think about "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel". It is a good movie on its own, but I wonder if it might give you both something to think about along the lines of what choices can still be made, and what the stakes are.

I don't presume to have any profound knowledge to dispense by that movie recommendation. Just wanted to suggest it because you and her might just see something there to chew on. Plus, it sounds better than CNN or Lifetime.

Spoiler alert:



Not all the couples stay together.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Cuddle bug,

I am 47, male.

My drive for her has almost disappeared. We are in an unprecedented phase -- about to start MC, her extremely angry and resentful, shown signs of connecting quickly shrink away. I am exhausted, I think, emotionally -- and so I don't look longingly at her at all now.

A few months ago I decided to just over saturate myself with "solo work" - once, sometimes twice, every day, for 4 weeks or so. For awhile, that was a "hobby" I looked forward to spending time doing. There was desire for it. But that mostly disappeared at some point.

So, now I'm just in limbo. But, yes, my drive is depressed. Not sure I understand it.

Btw, I have gotten good at not thinking to much of the attractive women I see -- precisely, I think, so it doesn't turn my drive "on".


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Retirement is interesting.

I would love to spend six months in the USA and six in my birth country somewhere in Europe. At least one and likely both girls will end up there (they, like me, hold EU and USA passports and are bilingual)

She wants alternatively a huge house somewhere warm and green and return to her birth country (an -istan in Asia). Meh, I'd rather pick a place where I don't get to meet the Secretary of State if something bad happens...

So, it could well be the case we split then. No big deal. Do they have Shoney's in Europe?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

After we had sex this morning, we did chores and I went grocery shopping and did some yard clean up.

We are going to watch hockey playoffs together and chill. No sex because she said, she is sore...........heh heh.

I still have issues having a good strong orgasm though. Maybe with time, that will change?

Use it or lose it?

Once every few months kills the sex drive for me and its hard to just have sex 2x in 12 hours. Yet before when we had sex every 2 weeks, I was in the mood all the time and it drove me crazy.


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## Red2 (Apr 28, 2013)

Be careful, CuddleBug, it really is the case of 'use it or lose it.' I know someone whose wife went through menopause and completely lost her libido to the point of not even wanting to hug him or kiss him. He went 3 years with no sex, and when he tried to get back in the game, he discovered he now has ED and is unable to orgasm from sex and lost nearly all sensitivity in the nether regions. He is only able to orgasm after about 30-45 minutes of masturbation, and all the conditions must be right (porn, not feeling tired, no distractions etc.). Be careful!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I hear yah. So true.

I will initiate and pester my wife for sex often then instead of doing nothing and giving up.

I told her yesterday, after we had sex 2x in 12 hours, if I get sex 3x every week, I'm good with that, maybe every 2nd day. Even though I could every day and multiple times but to compromise 3x every week period. Even the Dr Oz show said sex 3x every week lowers the chances of heart disease and issues by up to 50% and raises our testosterone levels. It's a compromise, but we all know LD's don't even compromise at 50%, it's nothing in the end. Thus, I have no sympathy for LD individuals unless its a medical condition.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> Even the Dr Oz show said sex 3x every week lowers the chances of heart disease and issues by up to 50% and raises our testosterone levels. It's a compromise, but we all know LD's don't even compromise at 50%, it's nothing in the end. Thus, I have no sympathy for LD individuals unless its a medical condition.


I've talked to my wife all the time of the benefits of a healthy sex life. Yes, I pester/beg for sex. I even notice my business gets busier with more sex, as long as she is enjoying the sex. I guessing that I project a happier me and I am more confident with people. If my wife just lays there and I do all the work, my heart gets the workout, just not the wifee.

I do know the more sex we have, the more I want. I guess that's n the increased testosterone working for me.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Men are like light switches. On / Off.

Women are like ovens and need to be preheated.


Us men are primarily testosterone based and when we gets erections and orgasm, it naturally raises our testosterone, which makes us more energetic, healthier, deal with stress much better, stronger, leaner, etc. So more sex for us men is a good thing and not just us getting our rocks off and using women.

Why do you think women dress sexy, wear makeup, toe nails polish with sexy shoes showing their feet, nice hair cuts, showing their bums and breats, etc.? It's because they want to be noticed, want the sexual attention, the flirting and sex. It's nothing to do with intellect or longevity or anything like that.

Women want men to notice them, flirt, romance and sex.

Men, with much higher sex drives, see how woman act and dress themselves sexy and pursue them.

Nice circle of life we have.


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