# Friends with ex on Facebook



## AAL1 (Nov 22, 2017)

I typed several paragraphs about this and have been extremely hesitant to post, but I need some advice.

I’ll keep it brief. My wife and I are nearing our 10 year anniversary and are pretty happy together. We have issues, but nothing major. We also have three children. 

My wife and I have discussed being friends with our ex’s on Facebook before. Most likely 8-9 years ago when we were new to Facebook.

I recently and randomly saw that my wife was friends with one of her ex boyfriends. After 10 years of marriage and being on Facebook nearly that long as well, she accepted his request this past August. I asked her about it and she said that they have not been in contact. He sent her the request and without much thought or hesitation, she accepted. She made it seem like no big deal. I told her that it hurt me that she would want to be friends with an ex and that she didn’t even bring it to my attention. I asked her how she would feel if I had done the same. She agreed that she would not be happy. I then reminded her that we have had a conversation about this and mutually agreed to not be friends with our ex’s on Facebook. I also told her that I know that every single one of my ex girlfriends has sent me a request and out of respect for her I declined. I am also not the least bit interested in being friends with my ex’s on Facebook. Why would I be? She said sorry and deleted him from her friends list.

I saw her Facebook messages and there was nothing from him. The weird thing about this is that there wasn’t even a “you are now connected on messenger” message as most of you that are familiar with Facebook get every time you get a new friend. This leads me to believe that they did talk and she deleted the conversation. She denies that.

I just don’t understand why she would care to be his friend in the first place. Am I over thinking things here? Am I crazy? What are your thoughts?


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## BAN919 (Nov 20, 2017)

First off,

I understand why you would be upset and I think the fact that she deleted him when you told her how you felt is a great sign. She didn't try to fight you. It can difficult to remember a conversation that was had years ago. Based on this information I would genuinely believe she did it without thinking about it. One click of accept and move on to recipes or funny memes.

As for the messagner thing...if he did not have messagner downloaded or was actively signed in then she would never of received a "you are now connected" message. You have to download and sign into it for it do that when you send a friend request. I have Facebook friends I have had for years and I have recently gotten to connected message because they got messagner, if that makes sense. I would not automatically be curious about that.

Has she done things before to make you so suspicious of her? 

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## AAL1 (Nov 22, 2017)

You’re probably right and I keep telling myself that, but it still bothers me and makes me a bit sad. I don’t want to talk about it to any friends or relatives so I posted here.

I typed a large backstory, but I have never suspected her of cheating on me. I do feel that she isn’t very affectionate towards me and that I am always the one kissing her and telling her that I love her. We’ve talked about that and it just goes to how busy we are and with the kids we don’t have time for each other.

I guess I just feel that if she got a friend request from an ex, she should have talked to me about it before accepting. No?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

There is a reason they are called X's. You, IMO, are not nuts for requesting X's not be on Fudgebook. I would not accept any friend requests from an X. I expect the same from my W. Let's face it, one sees a friend request from any old flame and shazam....oh lets see what he/she is up to. Gotta find out! Curiosity you know. Maybe go down memory f-in lane. Yeah no, X means done IMO.

And no, there should be no discussion concerning accepting an X request. The answer should always be no for both.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I'd be livid as well. She knew what she was doing.

Is there intimacy in your marriage? How's the sex life?


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## AAL1 (Nov 22, 2017)

Sex life is pretty good. Atleast once per week, usually more. Sometimes I do feel that if it wasn’t for me wanting it we wouldn’t have it that often. And the Sex is good for both of us. Yes, less reason to worry, but still. 

I can’t think of many reasons why she would want to be friends with him. Atleast not any good reason.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

AAL1 said:


> Sex life is pretty good. Atleast once per week, usually more. And the Sex is good for both of us. Yes, less reason to worry, but still. I can’t think of many reasons why she would want to be friends with him. *Atleast not any good reason*.


And there probably wasn't in her mind either. I personally don't have, nor have ever had a Facebook account, but my wife is addicted to it, and there are many times where she does things and says things on it without even really thinking about it. Just reflex. Add into the mix the fact that some people have an inexplicably difficult time saying no, turning down an offer, rejecting someone, regardless of the ramifications. They are more worried on the surface of the immediate situation about appearing rude, hurting someones feelings, being seen in a bad light.

If I had to guess, I think that may be the case, and at least easiest explanation with your wife. That in the moment she saw the request, her only focus was on that request, all else was out of sight out of mind, and she didn't want to appear rude. Unfortunately, that inability to have strict boundaries, especially in cases where there is no direct, personal, physical, contact such as Facebook...the door is opened without even consciously realizing it.


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## BAN919 (Nov 20, 2017)

AAL1 said:


> You’re probably right and I keep telling myself that, but it still bothers me and makes me a bit sad. I don’t want to talk about it to any friends or relatives so I posted here.
> 
> I typed a large backstory, but I have never suspected her of cheating on me. I do feel that she isn’t very affectionate towards me and that I am always the one kissing her and telling her that I love her. We’ve talked about that and it just goes to how busy we are and with the kids we don’t have time for each other.
> 
> I guess I just feel that if she got a friend request from an ex, she should have talked to me about it before accepting. No?


People have different ideas of what is a big deal or not. My husband has done many things that have absolutely enraged me and hurt my feelings over the years and in his mind it isn't an issue or anything he would see a problem with. From your post it seems you reminded her of your conversation (one that you stated happened years ago) and how it made you feel. She apologized and fixed the problem by removing him. What more do you want for her in regards to this issue? People screw up. They do things without realizing the impact it has on others emotionally and with trust. It sucks. It hurts but she apologized and fixed the problem in the only way she could.

Both my husband and I have exes where we don't hate their guts. They just simply were not the one for us and we wish them well. If one of them sent me a request I would probably not even think twice about it and then I would go right back to looking at cat pictures. But that's just me. If she fought you on this issue and tried to twist it around I would be livid and feel something was up. But she didn't. She apologized and deleted him.

I do feel that maybe you should sit down with her and revisit your expectations and boundaries. Do it after the kids are in bed and you have both had time to decompress. Don't start blaming her or attacking. Start with one thing at time. If it is no exes on Facebook then remind her you agreed to that and ask her if she feels it is still reasonable and why she feels what she feels. If you feel like there is not enough affection or you need initiate it all. Then talk to her about it makes you feel. Ask her what you can do to help her feel more comfortable or able to fulfill your needs in that regard. If she says life is too busy then see what you can take off her plate. Just redefine your boundaries and expectations and allow her to react and respond in her own way. You can let people know what you will and won't accept in a relationship without coming off as an a$$. Be kind, be loving, be firm, and be understanding. 

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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

AAL1 said:


> I typed a large backstory, but I have never suspected her of cheating on me. I do feel that she isn’t very affectionate towards me and that I am always the one kissing her and telling her that I love her. We’ve talked about that and it just goes to how busy we are and with the kids we don’t have time for each other.
> 
> I guess I just feel that if she got a friend request from an ex, she should have talked to me about it before accepting. No?


I think you've answered your question with the first part of your quote there. You feel she is less into you than you are into her. That naturally causes some self-doubts or insecurities. There is no threat to a relationship like the threat of an ex. We all know that emotionally, and studies have shown it true, too. So while there is no reason to suspect her of cheating, and you've had a pretty good history with her in the marriage, I think you are reacting from the instinctual wiring in your brain.

I'm divorced not in small measure due to my ex-W having a long term emotional attachment to one of her exes. We had 2 facebook incidents along the way, too. If anybody here is going to over-react to your kind of story, it will be me! But I don't see anything worrisome in your wife's reaction. She agreed to delete him, and did. The lack of messages is likely meaningless. It could be there were some messages she erased, or it could be there were no messages. This transition to Messenger within FB is weird, and as I don't pay a lot of attention to the details of how FB interacts with everything, I find it cumbersome. It could be old messages she had with him are just not visible any more. It is possible they traded a couple of bland messages which she deleted because she had no interest in keeping them, without any nefarious motivations. It could be there were no messages at all between them.

Here's what I would suggest. You have a positive conversation with her about what happened and how you don't want these kinds of stupid issues to crop up again. Put the blame on yourself, but gently! Say something like you know you shouldn't have been upset by it, but you were. This way you take the blame, so she should not feel she needs to defend herself. It also makes your next request a positive one. You request that you both go and BLOCK all exes from FB. When you BLOCK somebody, they disappear from you completely, and you from them. You won't see any hint of them on FB. If a mutual friend tags them in a photo or post, you will not see it. They can't send you a friend request or message, and vice versa. This way there will never be another similar incident. By accepting the blame for unnecessarily being upset, your request is for her to help you rather than to shackle her.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

AAL1 said:


> Sex life is pretty good. Atleast once per week, usually more. Sometimes I do feel that if it wasn’t for me wanting it we wouldn’t have it that often. And the Sex is good for both of us. Yes, less reason to worry, but still.
> 
> I can’t think of many reasons why she would want to be friends with him. Atleast not any good reason.


Here is the deal, you stated your case concerning friending X's. Your W removed said X and apologized. The boundary is now set with Fartbook.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

She knew what she was doing, likely keeping him in contact just in case something were to happen with you marriage or she has an excuse to stray she can fall back on him.


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## BAN919 (Nov 20, 2017)

JayDee7 said:


> She knew what she was doing, likely keeping him in contact just in case something were to happen with you marriage or she has an excuse to stray she can fall back on him.


Who have you spent your life with that would lead you to believe this is a normal and thought out process that most people do? I personally have never met these humans. 

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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

JayDee7 said:


> She knew what she was doing, likely keeping him in contact just in case something were to happen with you marriage or she has an excuse to stray she can fall back on him.


You are really reaching here, especially given the fact that OP already said she's never given him reason to think she was being unfaithful. 

My SO and I have some exes each on Facebook, but no one of significance. No one who played a large part in our lives. For example, my ex-H is not on my FB even though we now have a very cordial friendship. Neither is my SO's ex (mother of his son). But someone we "dated" for a short amount of time when we were teenagers? It's no big deal to us. So long as the 'ex' respects our relationship, it's a non-issue for us. But that goes for anyone on our FB- ex or not.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

JayDee7 said:


> She knew what she was doing, likely keeping him in contact just in case something were to happen with you marriage or she has an excuse to stray she can fall back on him.


That is a stretch.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> That is a stretch.


That is what TAMsters do best. :grin2:

With limited or no facts, grab each corner of a post.

And streeeaatch it to fit over that lurking, smirking, elephant in the room.

Stretch that can-dome so thin over it's head you can see it's tearful eyes, it's trunk wiggling, sucking in, it's own hot air. :surprise:


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Regarding the missing message, I can tell you that I immediately delete that stupid automatic message whenever I accept a new friend request, there is no point to cluttering up my feed if I am not having a conversation. So that in itself does not mean she talked with him. 

Yes, she should have mentioned he sent the request, and if it bothers you, she should unfriend. Period.


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## AAL1 (Nov 22, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> Regarding the missing message, I can tell you that I immediately delete that stupid automatic message whenever I accept a new friend request, there is no point to cluttering up my feed if I am not having a conversation. So that in itself does not mean she talked with him.
> 
> Yes, she should have mentioned he sent the request, and if it bothers you, she should unfriend. Period.


They are annoying, but she doesn’t delete them.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

****book is no dam good for any reason........Usually brings nothing but trouble! You should both get off of there.


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## BAN919 (Nov 20, 2017)

AAL1 said:


> They are annoying, but she doesn’t delete them.


It means he probably did not have messager and she never received one in the first place. You only get that from friends that have messager. 

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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I'd considering going a different path here. Now, it's dangerous, but at least it brings everything out in the open and puts you in a spot, not where you are in control, but hopefully will make her open her eyes and show her that she can't just depends you for intimacy and be careless with who she accepts.

Go back and tell her you are sorry, and you are wrong. You trust her, have no issue with her being friends with him on facebook, and that she is free to do whatever she likes (which is how it really should be right? Who wants a spouse who doesn't do stuff because you want it that way, you want them to want it that way). Then, go about being friends with your exes. Don't do anything malicious, but they are people, ones you have spent time in your life with, and you are interested on what they are doing in life.

I know a lot of people will disagree with this, but I find that playing defensive gets you nowhere. Please don't do that honey, don't do that either. Please kiss me, sex me, please please please. You don't have to be a dog. Don't cheat. Be true to yourself. But also show her that a) you aren't looking to control her, b) you don't care if she talks to her ex because you are strong with who you are and what you are doing in life and c) you can do the same.


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## AAL1 (Nov 22, 2017)

That’s kind of the funny thing. About a week ago I had an ex send me a friend request. I declined it without thought. Later on that night I told my wife that she sent me a request and before I could tell her that I declined it I could tell she was already getting mad. Nothing really happened, but I used that as an example for her to see how I feel.

Again Ban919, I know how Facebook works. He may not have messenger, but we are in our early 30’s, everyone has messenger.


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## BAN919 (Nov 20, 2017)

AAL1 said:


> That’s kind of the funny thing. About a week ago I had an ex send me a friend request. I declined it without thought. Later on that night I told my wife that she sent me a request and before I could tell her that I declined it I could tell she was already getting mad. Nothing really happened, but I used that as an example for her to see how I feel.
> 
> Again Ban919, I know how Facebook works. He may not have messenger, but we are in our early 30’s, everyone has messenger.


I'm 26 years old. I grew up with even better technology at my fingertips. Not everyone has messenger. It feels at this point you are kind of seeking validation for your feelings and suspicious thoughts. You are already providing an example where you "did the right thing" and that just demonizes your wife's behavior. 

You have every right to feel what you feel. But to each his own. I can ask you again what more would you like her to do? She apologized, fixed the issue, and didn't dismiss your feelings or belittle you. 

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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

They put an agreed boundary in place and she didn't follow through. She could have said no back then or entered another discussion about changing this agreement a decade later, which does make sense because there is a different distance now. He has nothing to feel bad about. You aren't demonizing anyone, but just be careful you don't start down the JayDee7 road. It is real easy to get caught up on the plan b or back up plan merry-go-round.



> Here's what I would suggest. You have a positive conversation with her about what happened and how you don't want these kinds of stupid issues to crop up again. Put the blame on yourself, but gently! Say something like you know you shouldn't have been upset by it, but you were. This way you take the blame, so she should not feel she needs to defend herself. It also makes your next request a positive one. You request that you both go and BLOCK all exes from FB. When you BLOCK somebody, they disappear from you completely, and you from them. You won't see any hint of them on FB. If a mutual friend tags them in a photo or post, you will not see it. They can't send you a friend request or message, and vice versa. This way there will never be another similar incident. By accepting the blame for unnecessarily being upset, your request is for her to help you rather than to shackle her.


Best bet right here IMO.


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## BAN919 (Nov 20, 2017)

Herschel said:


> I'd considering going a different path here. Now, it's dangerous, but at least it brings everything out in the open and puts you in a spot, not where you are in control, but hopefully will make her open her eyes and show her that she can't just depends you for intimacy and be careless with who she accepts.
> 
> Go back and tell her you are sorry, and you are wrong. You trust her, have no issue with her being friends with him on facebook, and that she is free to do whatever she likes (which is how it really should be right? Who wants a spouse who doesn't do stuff because you want it that way, you want them to want it that way). Then, go about being friends with your exes. Don't do anything malicious, but they are people, ones you have spent time in your life with, and you are interested on what they are doing in life.
> 
> I know a lot of people will disagree with this, but I find that playing defensive gets you nowhere. Please don't do that honey, don't do that either. Please kiss me, sex me, please please please. You don't have to be a dog. Don't cheat. Be true to yourself. But also show her that a) you aren't looking to control her, b) you don't care if she talks to her ex because you are strong with who you are and what you are doing in life and c) you can do the same.


You are right. People will disagree. People should be able to express their dislikes and things that hurt them or offend them to their partners. Part of being in a relationship is being able to at least have empathy for the other person and even if you are not hurt by the same things. I think it is a poor idea to consent to your partner doing things that are hurtful to you. 

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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

AAL1,

Take some screenshots send them to ex'es current wife or SO. 

Let that ferment for a day or more, then give him a call and let him know you consider his contacting your W an assault on your family.

Tamat


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## AAL1 (Nov 22, 2017)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> They put an agreed boundary in place and she didn't follow through. She could have said no back then or entered another discussion about changing this agreement a decade later, which does make sense because there is a different distance now. He has nothing to feel bad about. You aren't demonizing anyone, but just be careful you don't start down the JayDee7 road. It is real easy to get caught up on the plan b or back up plan merry-go-round.
> 
> Best bet right here IMO.


Yes, that’s pretty much exactly it. And I’m not going down the JayDee7 road. We agreed that neither of us would be friends with our ex’s, then she did. Yes, She apologized and deleted him, but it wasn’t instantaneous. At first it was just so innocent it’s not a big deal. Great. But it still hurt. So since she apologized and corrected it I should just forget about it and be over it Like it never happened?


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## BAN919 (Nov 20, 2017)

AAL1 said:


> Yes, that’s pretty much exactly it. And I’m not going down the JayDee7 road. We agreed that neither of us would be friends with our ex’s, then she did. Yes, She apologized and deleted him, but it wasn’t instantaneous. At first it was just so innocent it’s not a big deal. Great. But it still hurt. So since she apologized and corrected it I should just forget about it and be over it Like it never happened?


No, you don't need to just forget about and act as though it never happened. You need to figure out what she can do to rebuild any trust that is lost or things that will show you she was sincere about her apology. 

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## LightBerry (Nov 23, 2017)

In that case, you should have a "heart to heart" talk with your wife. Communication is very important. She's the only one who can honestly answer all those questions that you have. Actually, there's nothing wrong with being friends with an Ex in Facebook, as long as one knows her limits. I hope everything will go well!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

AAL1 said:


> Yes, that’s pretty much exactly it. And I’m not going down the JayDee7 road. We agreed that neither of us would be friends with our ex’s, then she did. Yes, She apologized and deleted him, but it wasn’t instantaneous. At first it was just so innocent it’s not a big deal. Great. But it still hurt. So since she apologized and corrected it I should just forget about it and be over it Like it never happened?


You could learn how to spank?

This instance would only require a light spanking though.>


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