# There's always been the 3 of us...me, my husband, and the internet



## saiyagirl09 (May 5, 2013)

I am so frustrated. My marriage is a mess. I discovered yet again that my husband is on dating websites and texting other women. I"m positive that anyone who is reading this thinking confront him and leave. But it's a complicated and long story on how this began. My husband and I have been married for almost 8 yrs. We have always had a rocky relationship due to the Internet. In fact we met on the Internet. But before we got married and was officially a couple we both were still chatting to other people on line. Of course we both found out about it and it caused some friction in our relationship. I forgave him but he has always held it against me. Fast forward 3 yrs into our marriage I discovered he was on face book and my space as single and looking. All his contacts were women. In addition to the face book and my space he was on IMVU virtual dating chat room; which at the time I didn't know. Of course I confronted him and as he finally broke down and told me because, I had the evidence in front of him. Oh but the drama doesn't stop there. I went through is phone and discovered he was on other dating websites. And no I still didn't know about IMVU. I was so disappointed and heart broken. I kept asking him why. He told me that we was a sex addict, he felt that I was not paying enough attention to him and he needed some release. He said he never met any of these women. The only thing he as ever done was chat and sent text messages. I asked him did he ever go on the web cam and made phone calls. He says he didn't but some of the websites he had visited were web cam based. Fast forward a year after the big bust my husband comes to me and tells me that he wants US to go on IMVU and chat with other people. He said it would allow us to meet other people and increase our sex drive. At first I didn't know what to think. I was still hurting from the crap he's done but I wanted to be open and take some ownership on being neglectful. I had recognized that work, our son, and just having a new baby took some time away from our intimacy. So, I decided to join IMVU with him. Unfortunately, that turned out to be a mistake. We didn't do the IMVU together. Instead it tore us apart. We were working completely opposite schedules at this point. So we only saw each other on the weekends. And when were were together I was with the kids while he slept most of the day cause of him working 3rd shift. I was bored and alone. So my only connection to adults was IMVU. I was meeting new people and he became jealous. He felt cheated and deprived; rightfully so. All my free time was spent on IMVU while he was at work or asleep. In the process I meet some really nice guys whom I made a connection with. Yes, I participated in sex-ting and swoped emails but I never gave my number, texted, send pics or did web cam. Keep in mind my husband was doing the same. And we both agreed it was ok. But as I said my husband became angry and jealous. In fact he became so upset he pulled the plug. He pulled the plug because he found out I was sending emails. Which was not in the agreement. He was so angry. I had never seen him that hurt. I felt so bad. I did everything to make up for the mistake. I'm still paying for that mistake even today. Fast forward another 5 months. He comes to me again wanting to go on IMVU. This time I said no. This is not good for the marriage. He kept begging and said that WE would do it together. Finally after thinking about for a couple of weeks and he was already on IMVU, I gave in and agreed. This time I followed by the rules. Once again he became jealous and pulled the plug. He kept saying I was spending more time on that website then with him. Which was not true. I explained to him rather it's the website, tv, or the phone, the real problem is we just don't spend time together PERIOD. Fast forward 7 months we are in Sprint getting new Iphones. Well that's when I discovered naked pics of women. And these weren't from porn sites. Then I saw text messages and apps for dating websites. I just walked out the store and left him. When he finally caught up with me instead of him being remorseful he was angry that I had embarrassed him. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He was blaming me for neglecting his sexual needs, blaming my appearance, and bringing up the fact that I had sent emails during our IMVU stint. We argued for days. And if things could not get any worse I ran across an email. I hacked his account and found that he was yahooing and emailing women. In one of the emails he left his phone number and scheduled a meeting. I was so upset. Of course I confronted him. He said that they never met. He was just stringing her long so he could continue to get pics and continue the sex-ting. At that moment I asked for a divorce. He kept apologizing and kept swearing that he didn't cheat. I didn't talk to him for weeks. I was so depressed. Fast forward 3 months later he comes to me about dating websites and craigs list. He suggests that we try it. Maybe it would put some spice in our marriage. It this point I am at a stage where I don't even care. And I figured we are so far removed from each other at this point why should he find companionship and I'm left high and dry. So, we both tried the dating website. In the process I discovered that the very day I had agreed to his plan he reached out the the same girl that he claims he never met. I confronted him about it. He kept saying that he reached out to her because she was easy to talk to and that it was hard to start from scratch to get good pics and good sex-ting. At this point I completely lost the love for him. And like before this agreement to text and chat with other people didnt last. But before it ended we were swoping iphones, reading each others texts messages, and we were both aware that we were sharing pics with other people. During this time I was getting my groove back. The guys that I talked to made me feel human again. I felt smart, attractive, and alive. But that came to an end because my husband felt it and became jealous. This time he was accusing me of actually meeting these people and cheating. Which I wasn't. So we pulled the plug on this one too. But my husband completely changed. Everyday we were arguing. The argueing became mean spirited. There wasn't a moment that we didn't argue. The arguments were so bad my aunt/uncle and grandmother had do a family and marriage intervention. They litterally sat us down and talk to us about their marriage in hopes of saving ours. I was so humillitated. I wanted our problem to be private. Finally, I made and= ultimatum to either divorce or go to counseling. So he agreed to counceling. We only went 3 times. He decided that we could figure it out and solve our marriage problem on our own. He feels if I would just change then we would both be happy. He has a laundry list of things I need to work on from my hair, weight, cosmetic, work life, and how I socialize with the neighbors. I asked him was there anything that he liked about me. Cause according to his list I don't meet any of his requirements. Keep in mind the only thing I have ever asked from him was respect, fidelity, open communication, and unconditional love. So we agreed that we would work on our marriage and not to go on the internet; per counselor suggestion. Well 3 weeks ago I find out he's back at it again. I confronted him and asked him why. Of course he blamed our sex life and me. He takes no ownership for his behavior. I am so depressed and feel so defeated. I have been making financial plans to break away. I just got to work on my mental and emotional state to deal what may seem to be the ultimate end of our marriage. I'm so crushed cause I feel like I failed. I don't even know who I am anymore.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

You didn't fail. He did.

I think your husband needs consequences for not respecting you. Look up on the "180".

If you can, it would also be helpful if you might re edit your post and put some line breaks and paragraphs in.

Sorry you are here by the way.


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## saiyagirl09 (May 5, 2013)

I guess I could have put some breaks in between. But much like that posting is a feflection of my marriage. A rambling mess. Im just at my wits in right now.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

saiyagirl09 said:


> I guess I could have put some breaks in between. But much like that posting is a feflection of my marriage. A rambling mess. Im just at my wits in right now.


I know it's difficult. It was only a suggestion as some people find it hard to read.

I think you need to give yourself some space.

Your relationship sounds remarkably poisonous and destructive to both of you.

If there are no children involved (and perhaps even if there are) I wonder if separation might be the best thing at this point?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your marriage seems to have never had a chance. You worked different schedules, a big marriage killer. And it sounds like your husband never stopped his internet activities. Yes, you joined him in this a few times thinking it would help. But the bottom line is that he was always the one looking for a way to make his use of the internet acceptable in your marriage.

On some levels I can understand that what you been through. My exH did similar things. I met him on the internet. almost 2 years into hour marriage I found out that he had never given up his interactions with women he met online. He was even meeting some of them in real life when he traveled to their cities. Like you I tried to make it work. I didn't joint him in the way you did. But I did try joining some of the vertual and game sites with the idea that we could do it as a couple. It did not work because he did not want to interact with me this way... only with others.

By the time we divorced, he had give up on our sex life (which used to be pretty awsome) and he preferred his life on the internet. It was just easier as there were no responsibilities to those people.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

This doesn't sound like it was ever a committed relationship.


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## saiyagirl09 (May 5, 2013)

I have been wondering that my self. My husband has always had wondering eyes and the ladies are drawn to him. But I didn't catch it until after we were married. We would go out and he would put those stupid shades on and stare at other women. I would tell him to stop it because it was creepy and he was being disrespectful.

We are both attractive people and people seem to be drawn to us. Unfortunately, after my second child I had picked up quit a bit of weight but since then I lost all of the weight and I am back to the size when we first met. Of course he reminds on how supportive and patient he was with my weight issues. And only reason he would mention my weight is to motivate me. Anyway, the difference between he and I is I remember that I'm married and let others know. My husband...well that's anybodies guess.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Please edit your first post by breaking it up into paragraphs.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

saiyagirl09 said:


> I have been wondering that my self. My husband has always had wondering eyes and the ladies are drawn to him. But I didn't catch it until after we were married. We would go out and he would put those stupid shades on and stare at other women. I would tell him to stop it because it was creepy and he was being disrespectful.
> 
> We are both attractive people and people seem to be drawn to us. Unfortunately, after my second child I had picked up quit a bit of weight but since then I lost all of the weight and I am back to the size when we first met. Of course he reminds on how supportive and patient he was with my weight issues. And only reason he would mention my weight is to motivate me. Anyway, the difference between he and I is I remember that I'm married and let others know. My husband...well that's anybodies guess.


It seems like you should be able to read what you wrote and recognize the unacceptable behavior and just realize that's not a way to be happy or together.


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