# How long will a H mourn finding out Wife past infedility?



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

This has been eating at me inside and several times I have almost told him, but really didn't want to ruin progress we had made. I had a ONS with the man that I was in EA with post my H moving out. It was during seperation and I felt dirty after words. I imagined my H was him and it wasn't the OM. I was realizing it was all wrong when the OM was with me. He didn't even seem like the same man I invisioned him from FB pics. I felt nohting for him when he was in my presence. When he went home the next day...I stopped contacting him and I ignored msot of his calls, texts and video attemps. I would no longer have video sex with him. A short time later I broke up with him over a FB message while he was working. 

I have wanted to tell my H all this, but I just couldn't bring up my memories of feeling so dirty. Now my H is pissed beyond believe. hes 800 miles away from me and accusing me of still seeing OM...even though I told my H I had cut off all contact after oct 17th...(I know the exact day because my H had sent me an email asking if I really wanted the divorce) So I had told OM I wanted to work on my marraige and could not talk to him anymore. Told him I was deleting his number. He still contacted me through FB, but soon I told him I needed to defriend him and we could not be friends anymore.

My H is not calm enough that I can even tell him all this. Hes accusing me of liking the sex. IN actuality I did not touch the OM sexually, he did all that. I am a person that likes to touch. I was not impressed with OM.

We even have a cruise coming upa nd my H was just talking about flights for it. I asked him why was he talking about flights if he was alos talking about divorce. He said the OM would go with me.

He has said last night that he is so hurt that he does not think he can go on in the marraige. 

We are seperated by 800 miles because of living and work situtions. I don't think it is fair to decide to divorce before we have started our lives over. We are also in bankrupcy, getting ready to file, dumped all our debt except cars. I want to try before we quit. I told him I would not give him a divorce.

I know I'm not perfect for not telling him about the ONS...but we had so many down times since reconsilation that this was my chance when it didn't seem like to much else was going on. My H asked why I didn't tell him I had the ONS when he admitted his. I did admit an EA when he admiteed his. I later learned he greatly trickle truthed everything. I did tell him I didn't tell him everyhting because he had a lawyer and he would have divorced me. He said he would have done just that.



So my questions are.....What kind of pain is he feeling? what should I do? I've already told him how much I love him and told him I imagined him, told him it was one day, he asked a date I told him a day I thought it was ( I have ersased much memory)

hes very angry and pushing me into deep deep depresion. I want his love, but he won't tell me he loves me anymore.

He obvisoiuly wants some of my love because he got very upset last night when I didn't respond to him texting "night" he didn't say his usual "luv u lots" so I didn't want to respond and then I told him that I wanted the usual "I luv U's"

He never said it or text it, but kept me up till 3am, trying to push my buttons....It didn't work until today....he pushed then really really bad...Had me unable to drive I was so upset....

I know it would be good for me to not talk to him for a while, but I know he will then say I'm ignoring him. If I stay in contact with him...he is liable to break me emotionally again..

What should I do?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> How long will a H mourn finding out Wife past infedility?


There isn't an answer to this. But what i do know from what guys tell me is that trickle truthing doesn't help at all. Every time they get a new info they are back to square one. So, you really need to come clean once and for all or you'll have this hanging over you forever.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

costa200 said:


> There isn't an answer to this. But what i do know from what guys tell me is that trickle truthing doesn't help at all. Every time they get a new info they are back to square one. So, you really need to come clean once and for all or you'll have this hanging over you forever.


He knows everything, but he doesn't beleive me


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> He knows everything, but he doesn't beleive me


Perfectly normal since you first admitted to an EA and then to a ONS. He now thinks you have banged half the state by the progression of things...


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Is it possible for you to take a sabbatical, fly over and be with him? If he was the WH wouldn't you expect him to do that for you?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Cdelta02 said:


> Is it possible for you to take a sabbatical, fly over and be with him? If he was the WH wouldn't you expect him to do that for you?


I'm not sure how possible it is for me to fly over right now to be wiht him or if he would want me too. I said I would drive there, but he said no. I told him there was not a lot I could do to show him my love from 800 miles away. ( I know he is physical touch, quality time and in person communication)


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

costa200 said:


> Perfectly normal since you first admitted to an EA and then to a ONS. He now thinks you have banged half the state by the progression of things...


I just didn't expect this type of reaction from him. I had heard guys viewed EAs as more than PA's.... Mine was mostly EA until OM was actually in person. I acxtually would have told OM no if I felt like I could, but I felt like I had lead him on the whole time....He just was not the same in person. So I imagined my H since i wanted i to be him


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> I'm not sure how possible it is for me to fly over right now to be wiht him or if he would want me too. I said I would drive there, but he said no. I told him there was not a lot I could do to show him my love from 800 miles away. ( I know he is physical touch, quality time and in person communication)


He may not want you there. But that's where you need to be. 800 miles at 60 miles an hour is about 20 hours with breaks. It may be worth it. He may still hate you for what you did to him, but at some point, this will be a positive for you. The alternative is to not be there, let him fester and build up his rage into something which becomes irreversible. 

It's very likely that even if you travel, he will not want to be in the same room with you, may treat you bad, may shout, be nasty. Your going there is not going to be pleasant or fun. But that aside, your actions from now on will define your chances for R. If you want to keep the chance alive, you have to bridge the 800 miles.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I am not clear if this was an EA before you separated or after? Was this the cause of separation to begin with?

IDK what you should do. But I can tell you that _for me_ marriage is marriage until it is officially ended. Which means that even during a separation we are married. Thus your ONS was cheating. I know some people view separation as not really being married, but not me. So perhaps this is part of your husband's issue, he sees your ONS as cheating every bit as much as had it happened before you were separated.

I would also view my wife having sex with another man during separation as a very big indicator that she has moved on. If she came back I would seriously wonder about her motives. Am I just Plan B (or Plan C, D, or E)? How many other men did she have sex with during the separation?

FWIW, I see a PA as more distressing to me than an EA. I understand an EA is harder for the WS to recover from than a ONS PA. But on the BS side of the fence I have much more heartburn over a PA.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Cdelta02 said:


> He may not want you there. But that's where you need to be. 800 miles at 60 miles an hour is about 20 hours with breaks. It may be worth it. He may still hate you for what you did to him, but at some point, this will be a positive for you. The alternative is to not be there, let him fester and build up his rage into something which becomes irreversible.
> 
> It's very likely that even if you travel, he will not want to be in the same room with you, may treat you bad, may shout, be nasty. Your going there is not going to be pleasant or fun. But that aside, your actions from now on will define your chances for R. If you want to keep the chance alive, you have to bridge the 800 miles.


Its a 12 hr drive if planned out well. I drove theere myself in August for our anniversary. He is set on saving money, so me coming out there he might be against because of that. I've asked him already if he wanted me to come out there and he said he would not be around and I would not find him. That was earlier today when he was really really pissed. I'm not sure if he would agree to me coming out there once he settles down.

He sprained his wrist today hitting a concrete wall. I wanted to see a pic just to make sure he wasn't making it up. Conversation was camler but not about anyhting in particular. He wanted to know if I was still worked up & pissy and *****y...Told him as long as he didn't start accusing me and pushing my triggers as far as affair. I told him Id be opne to talking about it calmly if he wanted. He said he didn't want to talk about anything.

I do hope that we can get past this and it opens up communication. There was a lot I couldn't talk about because the secret was locked inside of me. Hes not willing to talk yet though


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Remember "Tear's" thread... She had a ONS and confessed it fairly quickly and completely, and so far, no forgiveness on his part. He's said divorce is the only option.

C


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Thor said:


> I am not clear if this was an EA before you separated or after? Was this the cause of separation to begin with?
> 
> IDK what you should do. But I can tell you that _for me_ marriage is marriage until it is officially ended. Which means that even during a separation we are married. Thus your ONS was cheating. I know some people view separation as not really being married, but not me. So perhaps this is part of your husband's issue, he sees your ONS as cheating every bit as much as had it happened before you were separated.
> 
> ...


The EA was before we seperated. I don't think the seperation was because of the EA entirly, but probably had part to do wiht it. My H had gotten very very mad one night which lead to a restraining order, with no cops called. The EA at that time was no pics exchanged and no sex talk...it was a lot of friendship type talk, but it was while my H was sleeping. It didn't turn sexual over phone and video until the seperation.

I view it as cheating too. MY H cheated duirng seperation too for at least 6 wks.

He did ask me how many other men I had sex with and he did say I just want his paycheck.

I really did not want to tell him about this, but at the same time I did too. I didn't want to tell him because I know the mind movies that play sicne I have already expeirenced extreme pain with his PA. I'm hoping once we are living together that he can perform sexually wihtout mind movies. 

I did want to tell him about this ONS because I want him to know what was going through my head. Then I want him to know that I did not touch him, I didn't have passion wth OM like I do with H....I wanted to really be making love to my husband. I also want my H to be open to changing our sex life once we are living together. I want to be more of a passionate part in the love making. I want the passion to be like when we first met and he wasn't expecting sex becasue it was a new relationship. I want to kiss him and touch him wihtout him pushing me away. Even before my EA he would not let me do any of this.....I miss being a loving part of the lovemaking. He decides when we make love and its him doing most of the touching. I do get to touch his Penis, but I want to kiss his chest and start witht he kissing and then work my way all over until he gets excited....

I want this type of communication to open up and no I did not do anyhting like that with OM...it was just sex


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

PBear said:


> Remember "Tear's" thread... She had a ONS and confessed it fairly quickly and completely, and so far, no forgiveness on his part. He's said divorce is the only option.
> 
> C


No I didn't see that thread.

So far since Sat night...my H has said divorce out of pain and anger, but then when hes calmer and I ask if he hates me...He says he doesn't hate me....I don't get the I love you often...but he did say it last night in a conversation of text.....

He has asked me if I want out and i've said no.

When I say he wants a divorce, a lot of times he has answered "did I say that?"


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

blue, I am concerned that he is taking this so hard when he also had a sexual relationship during the separation. And you two are living far apart, not seeing much of each other. And he is discouraging you visiting.

It makes me think that he may be thinking divorce but not simply because of this ONS. It may be a convenient excuse, and it is a way to make you the bad guy.

Sure, he has the right to be hurt by the ONS with EA guy. His relationships during the separation don't magically erase the ONS, but it sure does change the landscape a whole lot.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

i think you should just divorce. sounds like too much destruction i dont see any way of fixing that mess. :scratchhead:


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Thor said:


> blue, I am concerned that he is taking this so hard when he also had a sexual relationship during the separation. And you two are living far apart, not seeing much of each other. And he is discouraging you visiting.
> 
> It makes me think that he may be thinking divorce but not simply because of this ONS. It may be a convenient excuse, and it is a way to make you the bad guy.
> 
> Sure, he has the right to be hurt by the ONS with EA guy. His relationships during the separation don't magically erase the ONS, but it sure does change the landscape a whole lot.


I am concerned too......It is possible hes having some type of an EA and its alos possible hes not.......I'm not letting him off the hook by filing for divorce, but I know I have tht option should something come to light that he really is having an EA or PA....I have asked him several times if hes haivng an affair...and of course he says there is no other woman.....

I know he was thinking divorce before I told him of the ONS...I just don't know if he was serious...he actually never asked for a divorce, but he said I was pushing him away.....

Living apart we don't have anyhting to talk about and its not like a new relationship where you have plenty because you are getting to know eachoter. He says the only things I talked about were bad things....Our kids are a huge challenge and my living situation with his parents is a huge challenge. I know he already feels like a failure cause he can't provide his family with a house and his wife has no house to run. Our son has severe autism with some possibly newly learned brain damage. He sees any news from the school about our son to be negative.

I told my husband I would not give him a divorce. I will not give up on us before we actually have our start. I know how much we enjoy eachother when we are together and how well we raise our kids together. For me I just can't give up on that.


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## heaven1 (Sep 27, 2012)

I am having a similar debacle with my husband. I wanted the divorce as well or so I thought but I then realised that it was my anger and frustration talking. He is not being horrible to me but he is being extremely distant. He feels the need to remind me that he "feels no different" in terms of moving forward. I believe his "friend" is supporting him into seeing just what a witch I am. I am trying to just stay calm for a while and then progress talking again. I don't think distance is a good idea! It gives more time for people to "help" or for him to create a vision of you with Horns!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 30yrsago (Oct 2, 2012)

Thor,

She is the bad guy having performed a transgression post D Day.

Yes this is a done deal as 800 miles will make non reconciliation very feasible.

This relationship now is very damaged with little hope.

Support to you blue.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Tears' thread:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/52532-i-cheated-my-husband-left.html

C


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Blue, I'm sorry, but technically, this was not a ONS. You had an EA with the guy, which started before you and your husband were separated. You had video sex with him. Then you actually consummated that. This wasn't a ONS, it was an affair. 

How long will it take him to get over it? However long it takes... IF he can get over it. You trickle truth'd him for months...well, closer to a year, really. He is back at square one because you finally gave him this information. He has to process this, just the same as you had to process HIS affair. It was a year ago for you... but it was just a couple days ago FOR HIM. So, it's going to take however long it takes... could take another 5 years, even.

As for men thinking EA is worse than PA when it comes to their wives... Not necessarily. Some men (and some women) put them on the same level. Some feel EA is worse. Some feel PA is worse. Just depends on the person. Not everyone feels the same way about them.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> No I didn't see that thread.
> 
> So far since Sat night...my H has said divorce out of pain and anger, but then when hes calmer and I ask if he hates me...He says he doesn't hate me....I don't get the I love you often...but he did say it last night in a conversation of text.....
> 
> ...


I think he will find out about the EA or any PAs that have been hidden eventually. 

I found out anonymously and there are people on her who are outed years after an affair sometimes by the affair partner or someone else who feels it is the right thing to do. 

Yes, tears confessed and her husband divorced but every situation is different. 

He will find out. 

As far as not now wanting a divorce. I did not initially. 

However, it takes awhile for the betrayed spouse to wrap their brain around the actions of the betrayer. 

When they do, that is the only time they can make a rational decision about divorce.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I agree with Thor. This guy has treated you like sh!t for a long time. You have just given him the perfect excuse to continue to cheat on you and to divorce you if he wants to, and to be angry at you.

The energy you are putting into this relationship would be better spent on doing a 180 and working on YOURSELF.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Sara8 said:


> I think he will find out about the EA or any PAs that have been hidden eventually.
> 
> I found out anonymously and there are people on her who are outed years after an affair sometimes by the affair partner or someone else who feels it is the right thing to do.
> 
> ...


He already knew about the EA.....I think the one night thing while we were seperated for him.....say why he was kicked out of the house. Hes very bitter over being kicked out last year. I didn't do it because of the EA...I had been thinking we needed some type of seperation for a very long time....

Last night he called on his way back to his room from work. He didn't mention ONS at ll. Hes more upset of me not being strong for him and trusting him. Also before this came out our communication was eroding. He has a new schedule 2-11PM and its on a different time zone. Because of the new schedule I feel like I'm not connected....We don't get up at the same time and we don't go to bed at the same time. It is hard to communicate.

In our phone conversation he mostly talked. He said hes down there working for me and the kids. He loves me wiht all his heart and he doesn't want a divorce, hes working hard to get us a new start. The thing that will make him divorce is if we end up bankrupt again. (going through bankrupcy now)

I'm sure hes still hurting from ONS because it just doesn;t go away over night....but he didn't mention it last night.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> In our phone conversation he mostly talked. He said hes down there working for me and the kids. He loves me wiht all his heart and he doesn't want a divorce, hes working hard to get us a new start. The thing that will make him divorce is if we end up bankrupt again. (going through bankrupcy now)


Words. They mean NOTHING. What do his ACTIONS say???


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> Words. They mean NOTHING. What do his ACTIONS say???


Your right, I'm still watching his actions....Its hard to tell right now when we are seperated by 800 miles becasue of work/living situation.

He says hes working hard for his family and he wants to stay focused on his job. He is sending most money home into our acct. I will be getting his pay stubs mailed to me soon, so I will know if he is lying.

He already bought plane tickets to come home for thanksgiving and says hes buying xmas plane tickets in a week or so.

So far he is not answerinf my texts, but that started happening weeks before I told him about my ONS....We have different schedules now since hes working 2-11pm in a different time zone...Hes using that excuse to not answer my texts....He sai he had a counseling appt today at 8:45A....I sent him a text at 8:30A his time nad got no reply....so I'm waiting to really find out if he has counseling or not.....I thought about calling our health insurance asd asking for a list of counselors in the area he is working to see if I can't find the counselor he named...so far I have seen no insurance paperwork on the counselor...He has to use our current address, so something has to be mailed to our address at some point I would think...

I really don't think he wants a divorce since he is so afraid of me "sending him his papers" So I'm on the look out for him doing anyhting out of ordinary, which can be hard to catch since he is working/living 800 miles away.

If hes not going to counseling...I know the guilt of the lie will eat him....I sent him a text before his counseling with no reply from him.....Its been long enough that if he really did have counseling he would be out now....So I just sent another text that I hope his counseling went well.....No reply so far, but i know his phone is on...since he has Iphone and it went to Imessage as delivered.

I guess he punched a concrete wall last night and had to go to the ER. I wanted proof, so I told him to send me a pic...He did send me a pic. It does not look too bad...I can see slight redness on one nuckle, but no blood and no wrapping. He said the dr said he sprained his wrist....the pic he sent is just his hand, I can't see his wrist. Again he would have to use our address for the ER bill....so I should see a bill sometime if he really went to the ER.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Blue,

Remember when your husband told you about his affair and how you were mad cause you kept finding out new information from/about the OW? And it was making you so upset because you just wanted hubby to be honest with you? 

Why don't you do the same for him?

I initially thought you told him the entire truth--that it was a PA, not just EA but apparently you didn't do that.

Yikes.

Be honest with him. He deserves as much, dear.

Lay all your cards on the table.

Better to have a relationship based on the fvcked up truth than LIES.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Blue,
> 
> Remember when your husband told you about his affair and how you were mad cause you kept finding out new information from/about the OW? And it was making you so upset because you just wanted hubby to be honest with you?
> 
> ...


I did tell him the truth....he knows OM flew to see me....
With my H being 800 miles away becasue of work and our living situation, its hard to tell his emotions from phone calls and texts only


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Jellybeans is being too nice but I will try and use that example...

You sound like you are annoyed with him because he is devastated by your affair? Did you feel the same way about his?

The amount of hypocricy in your posts burns my tush. You want people to feel your pain but you cannot be bothered to feel his.

Of course he doesn't believe you...you are a liar.

Why did you need proof of his injury? Why are you looking forward to confirming if he went to the ER or not?

Here, this will be a better question....what the hell are you thinking?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Falene said:


> Jellybeans is being too nice but I will try and use that example...
> 
> You sound like you are annoyed with him because he is devastated by your affair? Did you feel the same way about his?
> 
> ...


Hes been known for being weird before...thats why I need proof....Hes been secretive about his where abouts before I told him about my ONS....

recently he told me he needed to let me go cause he was going to the hospital and he was on his way....He said he was in the ambulance or they were on his way to get him, but he didn't know what hospital he was going too. Then there never was an ambulance at all.

That is why I am not convinced about what he is telling me.

I'm being totally truthful wiht him, but hes been secretive with me since well before I told him about ONS

I also told him because I was tired of him putting 100% blame on my parents for our whole seperation and restraining order, but tired of a secret as well. Also told him because I want his guilt for he did to be less...to know I was sexually unfaithful too. 

My in laws who I live with know I had the ONS....They say I probably should have kept it a secret


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm so confused. You're in bankruptcy. You can't afford to move and live with your husband. But you're going on a cruise? This doesn't make sense to me. You guys seem to have priorities that don't match what mine would be. I guess to each their own.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

And just for the record....I was already in emotional pain before I told me H...I already felt him pulling away from me....The loss of connection when you can't see eachother because 800 miles is between you is very very hard....We are trying to rebuild our lives so its not possible for us to see eachother by making frequent triips back and forth, plus I have 3 kids at home all with specail needs to care for. 

I wish I could do something for him to help him.....I don't know what to do since hes not very open with me and wasn't opne before either....hes having a hard time dealing with our son who we don't know what is wrong with him....and now I told him about the ONS....

I don't know what I can do to make him feel any calmer....

His affair me finding out was a little different because I was afraid he was going to go back to her......

I'd like to let him know I'm never going back to OM and that I have no contact, but i don't have any way to prove. My H is not on FB (that I know of) I'm on FB, but OM is not on friend list...I deleted him way a long time ago, when I told OM I wanted my H back....Of course OM was not happy about that and tried to fight it....but i did remove contact from my phone and remove friends from FB and put my security setting on Friends only see my FB


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I'm so confused. You're in bankruptcy. You can't afford to move and live with your husband. But you're going on a cruise? This doesn't make sense to me. You guys seem to have priorities that don't match what mine would be. I guess to each their own.


Cruise is an Autism on the seas Cruise....All 3 of our kids have autism and we have done charity events together to raise the money through Skyward Bound ranch to take our kids on a vacation....We have never taken our kids on vacation before....Our son is so bad he may have brain damage...we don't know what is actually wrong with him, but the schools are saying things too

Look up Autism on the Seas and Skyeward Bound Ranch


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I see. Well of course that's a whole lot different than what I was thinking. Good luck with your children. That's got to be very difficult.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I see. Well of course that's a whole lot different than what I was thinking. Good luck with your children. That's got to be very difficult.


Thanks...I've not said much before...becuse I would really look like alost cause you know...... Even my IN laws are telling me I might want to divorce him, but I know my husband thinks and expresses in a different way than other men....I don't want to give up on him while he is working hard for us....

I've thought about divorce, my H has avious flaws with communication with me...which is only harder with him far away....

I just can't divorce while hes out there 800 miles away working alone in a extended stay small room missing me and our 3 children......
he has had some cheating behavior before and did cheat during our seperation...so I am also the betrayed and hes been acting weird before learning of ONS.....So I will get total facts before I decide he probably is cheating or lying to me........Lying to me feels almost as bad as an affair. I know I have lied by ommision, so maybe I deserve to be lied too.....I do want my marriage to get over this whole entire situation (housing, debt and affairs)


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I just shake my head at you. Why on gods green earth do you want to HELP this man? Wasn't it just last week you were going to divorce him? He is distant, probably cheating right now, and has made it abundantly clear he has no respect for you.

I might as well just keep my mouth shut because you aren't going to listen anyways.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If the in-laws are telling you to D their son, they know something you don't. Remember, mom and dad know their kids like the back of their hand, well most of the time.

Also trying to work on R while apart will never work, there is no emotional connection that can be established.


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

I wanted a divorce as soon as I found out about my wife's EA. I was devastated when I later ound out about it being a PA. All I can say is don't assume he is doing the same to you. I never cheated on my wife or had any innapropriate relationships. I said I wanted a divorce because I didn't know what else to say of think. 

I would just tell him everything you can and if you could some way prove it with text or some logs. I can't believe my wife at all right now because of the trickle of truth. Honestly I wish she hadn't told me at all and had just stopped it on her own, or just have told me 100 percent on D-Day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> I had a ONS *with the man that I was in EA with* post my H moving out. It was during seperation and I felt dirty after words. I imagined my H was him and it wasn't the OM. I was realizing it was all wrong when the OM was with me. He didn't even seem like the same man I invisioned him from FB pics. I felt nohting for him when he was in my presence. When he went home the next day...I stopped contacting him and I ignored msot of his calls, texts and video attemps. I would *no longer have video sex with him.* A short time later I broke up with him over a FB message while he was working.


Blue, I will say one more time... you didn't have a ONS. You had an affair. A physical one. You may have only had physical sex with the man only once, but you started out as an EA and even had video sex with him prior to the physical sex. You had an affair, not an ONS. And that is likely what is weighing on his mind. Please, call it what it was.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> I just shake my head at you. Why on gods green earth do you want to HELP this man? Wasn't it just last week you were going to divorce him? He is distant, probably cheating right now, and has made it abundantly clear he has no respect for you.
> 
> I might as well just keep my mouth shut because you aren't going to listen anyways.


Becasue we have been through a lot already and we have 3 children who need us together. I think hes been distant becasue hes slipped into a depression. He does tend to withdraw when hes depressed based on my past experience being with him for the last 13 years in Nov. I really don't understand why he kept himself going to a counselor from me for 2 weeks and I don't like it at all, but if he is going to counseling...its good that hes hopefully helping himself. If it is a lie.....I WILL FIND OUT.....I have all my alerts up right now for him doing anything fishy....
If I need a divorce my Husbands parents will help me with a good adivorce attorney.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

triedhard111 said:


> I wanted a divorce as soon as I found out about my wife's EA. I was devastated when I later ound out about it being a PA. All I can say is don't assume he is doing the same to you. I never cheated on my wife or had any innapropriate relationships. I said I wanted a divorce because I didn't know what else to say of think.
> 
> I would just tell him everything you can and if you could some way prove it with text or some logs. I can't believe my wife at all right now because of the trickle of truth. Honestly I wish she hadn't told me at all and had just stopped it on her own, or just have told me 100 percent on D-Day.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He did say the next day after I told him that he was not sure he could ever get over it. and that he thought we should divorce. 

Today he had a bad morning, but seemed to be better as the day went on. He later text me on his own right before he had to start his late shift. he was talking about the future about xmas. So I don't think he wants a divorce at all.

It helps me to know anohter man has gone through a similar thing and he didn't want revenge. My H said he would not want revenge. That has been a huge huge fear of mine since during our seperation he did have a sexual affair, where the woman kept following him and me. Its been almost a year later from D day for me and I'm still afraid shes going to pop up.

I have made myself availabel for H to ask me anything about it. I really hope my H doesn't start comparing himself to OM. He has not asked what he looks like or anyhting. 

Do men ever compare themselves to OM's like woman compare ourselves to OW's? 

I know I still compare myself to OW because I know what she looks like. My H does not know what OM looks like.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Cdelta02 said:


> *He may not want you there. But that's where you need to be. 800 miles at 60 miles an hour is about 20 hours with breaks. It may be worth it. He may still hate you for what you did to him, but at some point, this will be a positive for you.* The alternative is to not be there, let him fester and build up his rage into something which becomes irreversible.
> 
> It's very likely that even if you travel, he will not want to be in the same room with you, may treat you bad, may shout, be nasty. Your going there is not going to be pleasant or fun. But that aside, your actions from now on will define your chances for R. If you want to keep the chance alive, you have to bridge the 800 miles.



I would have done this. I would have gone all in and said, this is for my marriage, my children, for all of us. At the end of the day, when the dust settles, I will say, I was honest and I needed you with me.

How serious do you take your marriage? How serious do you think your affair partner was when he flew over for a ONS. That is pretty ridiculous if you ask me, yet YOU don't FLY out to see your H.

If he is working for you, why are you not there with him? I personally could never work and live without my wife and children with me, that for some people is possible but as for me, I doubt I could do it, maybe I just haven't met the right person that I would do it easily for or maybe I do not have the ability to even think that I am able to do that.

It seems as if you both probably cannot either.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> *Do men ever compare themselves to OM's like woman compare ourselves to OW's?*
> 
> I know I still compare myself to OW because I know what she looks like. My H does not know what OM looks like.


Of course, yet I personally have too much self confidence and such a big ego for it to have a great affect on me but it goes through men's minds as it does for women. Its a common thought process along with mind movies and all those thoughts that further degrade your mental/emotional condition after infidelity, on the betrayed spouse of course.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

cheatinghubby said:


> If the in-laws are telling you to D their son, they know something you don't. Remember, mom and dad know their kids like the back of their hand, well most of the time.
> 
> Also trying to work on R while apart will never work, there is no emotional connection that can be established.


His parents actually have a hard toime knowing him. Hes a very "private" person and has emotionally distanced himself from his parents for many years for a variety of reasons. My Husband is not at all a perfect man, but I can understand him where his parents can not.

As far as trying to work on reconsilation while apart...yes its very very hard.....but I can look at pictures of him and feel the connection.....He can think of our past experences and feel the connection with me..

I've talked to him about my worry about trying to get through this with him 800 miles away. His response was BS....He does not want a divorce and he doesn't want to come back home because A there are no jobs here for him and B home life sucks because of living with his parents.

So hes not wanting a divorce, but hes afraid I will divorce him


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Of course, yet I personally have too much self confidence and such a big ego for it to have a great affect on me but it goes through men's minds as it does for women. Its a common thought process along with mind movies and all those thoughts that further degrade your mental/emotional condition after infidelity, on the betrayed spouse of course.


I wish my H had self confidence. He didn't have self confidence before this.

I think he is the hottest 37 almost 38 year old man I have seen. Sure he has a little belly, but I've looked at other men his age and my H is so hot!! Also my H has a full head of hair that I love running my fingers through. He has no chest hair either...I just wish he was confident in himself enough to let me kiss him all over....sorry if you can't tell I miss my Husband incredibly

Oh hes got a great ass too and very muscular legs.......

Hes a very attractive HOT man, but he thinks very very little of himself


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> I would have done this. I would have gone all in and said, this is for my marriage, my children, for all of us. At the end of the day, when the dust settles, I will say, I was honest and I needed you with me.
> 
> How serious do you take your marriage? How serious do you think your affair partner was when he flew over for a ONS. That is pretty ridiculous if you ask me, yet YOU don't FLY out to see your H.
> 
> ...



We actually were supposed to move where he is. We had lots of tax return $$$, but because of our credit situation and currently losing our home...we could not get qualified anywhere. So we have to wait untilt he bankrupcy is finalized and we have $$ saved up to move.

I asked him several times if he wants me to drive out there. He knows I would do it, I did it in August first tiem ever driving alone across country. Hes not wanting to screw up again money wise so he says no. 

He has tickets to fly home for thanksgiving, so he is coming home in about 6 wks.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

Actually, I never got over my exwifes affair. Do you actually think the next time that your spouse gets in a situation where another woman hits on him that he will refuse? You basically gave him the green light. At least that is how my last marriage happened. I could never look at her the same. I think a lot of people lie to themselves saying they are over the affair. Mind games are tough.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

tonyarz said:


> Actually, I never got over my exwifes affair. Do you actually think the next time that your spouse gets in a situation where another woman hits on him that he will refuse? You basically gave him the green light. At least that is how my last marriage happened. I could never look at her the same. I think a lot of people lie to themselves saying they are over the affair. Mind games are tough.


If he does I will eventually know about it. He is not good at hiding everything. I've repeatly asked him if hes going to revenge cheat...He knows I'm worried about that. So far after his initial shock, he is calling me more and texting me more.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I will be blunt and honest. 

If he leaves you he will heal a lot quicker.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> I will be blunt and honest.
> 
> If he leaves you he will heal a lot quicker.


:iagree: This is probably the quickest way. Reconciliation is hard, I imagine most couples don't make it out alright in the end and those that do have gone through a very ****ty time dealing with their issues.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

BjornFree said:


> :iagree: This is probably the quickest way. Reconciliation is hard, I imagine most couples don't make it out alright in the end and those that do have gone through a very ****ty time dealing with their issues.


FINE i WILL DIVORCE HIM!!!!!! iF YOU ALL THINK i'M THE BIGGEST ***** EVER BECASUE HE HAS CHEATED AND DONE THE SAME THING AND i;M THE BAD GUY!!!!!

yOU ALL JUST THINK i'M A ****TY ****TY *****


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

WhiteMousse said:


> I will be blunt and honest.
> 
> If he leaves you he will heal a lot quicker.


yeah THANKS FOR THE ADVICE THAT i SHOULD JUST CUT HIS Pain and tell him to just leave me!!! Yeah thats going to heal him when I have his kids


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> FINE i WILL DIVORCE HIM!!!!!! iF YOU ALL THINK i'M THE BIGGEST ***** EVER BECASUE HE HAS CHEATED AND DONE THE SAME THING AND i;M THE BAD GUY!!!!!
> 
> yOU ALL JUST THINK i'M A ****TY ****TY *****


No, Blue, the thing is, you keep saying the exact same things about him. And, the exact same things about the marriage itself. And now you come out with telling him a year later that it wasn't "just" an emotional affair, but a full blown physical affair. You keep saying you want to divorce him, but then in the next post you say you don't, that he's a great guy. You are very confused....or co-dependent...or maybe something else. People have given the advice to divorce him, based on the horrible things you have told us here about him. But then you say, basically, that it's "not that bad"...so, either it is or it isn't. If you want to be with him, find a way. If not, then divorce him. That's what we are saying. If you truly, 100% believe there is something there that can be repaired, then do it. If he isn't a bad guy, then stop painting him in that light. Yea, we all do stupid things that piss off our spouses. There are things they do that piss us off. But if it is something that is seriously unable to be fixed, why keep limping along? If he is as bad as you have said, then do it. If not, then fix it.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Don't take offense blue!! All I'm making is a neutral observation. If my comment set you off, I apologise.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> yeah THANKS FOR THE ADVICE THAT i SHOULD JUST CUT HIS Pain and tell him to just leave me!!! Yeah thats going to heal him when I have his kids


I'm not trying to hurt you.

You need to ask yourself what is best for him. 

Everyone in this world would do better if they stopped worrying about themselves and started taking care of others. 

So ask yourself honestly-- what is best for him? Is it in his best interest for the two of you to stay together? If so, fight for your marriage. 

In regard to my earlier post, I really didn't mean to upset you. But that is the truth. If the two of you stay together he has a constant, every day reminder of what has happened to him. It will be difficult to overcome. I'm not saying one option is better than the other; only that there will be difficulties in either path. 

I hope that makes more sense.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

And in my comment, the word that was censored out was sh1tty not ****ty


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

WhiteMousse said:


> I'm not trying to hurt you.
> 
> You need to ask yourself what is best for him.
> 
> ...


Except for he can't let me be with anyone else.....He tells me in the beginning he wants a divorce cause he is so hurt, but then he start calling me more nad texting me more often.....

He has hurt me too...the OW is the same town...I've probably passed her in the same grocery store....I have to forver live with that he cheated too and had cheated in a non sexual way before any of this stuff......

He can choose to not be with me and pay child support and not have his kids in the same state as him or he can choose to put it behind him.

if he were to choose divorce, he would not be able to make me move to the state he is in. His plan is to transfer into the union he is working for....so that state is permamnent for him.


I'm stressing tonight because I know he has some little white lies dealing with money, but I can't prove it until he sends me his pay stubs which I need for our bankrupcy


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

BjornFree said:


> Don't take offense blue!! All I'm making is a neutral observation. If my comment set you off, I apologise.


Yes I took offense because tonight I'm already having anxeity about a deadline coming up on Monday that I needed my Husband to send me his Paystubs, but he has not done it.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> No, Blue, the thing is, you keep saying the exact same things about him. And, the exact same things about the marriage itself. And now you come out with telling him a year later that it wasn't "just" an emotional affair, but a full blown physical affair. You keep saying you want to divorce him, but then in the next post you say you don't, that he's a great guy. You are very confused....or co-dependent...or maybe something else. People have given the advice to divorce him, based on the horrible things you have told us here about him. But then you say, basically, that it's "not that bad"...so, either it is or it isn't. If you want to be with him, find a way. If not, then divorce him. That's what we are saying. If you truly, 100% believe there is something there that can be repaired, then do it. If he isn't a bad guy, then stop painting him in that light. Yea, we all do stupid things that piss off our spouses. There are things they do that piss us off. But if it is something that is seriously unable to be fixed, why keep limping along? If he is as bad as you have said, then do it. If not, then fix it.


Its a very confusing situation for sure. Hes a man I can't figure out because I'm pretty sure he has ASpergers or Autism. His communication far away sucks. I love him deeply and if I didn't think he was on the spectrum, I owuld have divorced him. All 3 of our kids have a form of Autism and my Husband does some things that are the same as the kids. 

There are some crazy things that he doesn't like that makes this financial situation seperation even worse. Some of it is hurtful, but he says its not meant to hurt me. He does not like sexual pics I take for him. He says it ruins his image of me.
And he does not sext at all either or commetn on even profile pics I take of myself. he just saves them, but won't comment.

If I ever divorce him, he will always be in my life and i will alwys be emotionally connected to him.

It hurts so bad being away from him and not seeing him everyday. Hes the only one who can understand our kids. even his parentws don't fully accept our kids nad want to change thier diagnosis. 

Hes a romantic in person, but not so much far away because he says he can't do anyhting 800 miles away.


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