# Blended family problem



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

H and I have been together for three years, married for 1.5 of them. 
His son is two months older than my daughter. They were 5 then and are 8 now. Of course they fight and pick on each other. But it seems like my stepson just hates her. We have them every other weekend and my d is here all the time except the other weekend when shes with her dad. 
It's a long story but we wanted to have his sons here 50% of the time but due to some legal crap about crossing state lines (even though we are only 30 miles away) his ex got to decide not to share them. 
Dss complains that she is annoying. She likes to sing and make noise and be silly. He acts like its nails on a blackboard. 
Funny thing is when she isn't here, when she's at my mom's or at her dad's (father's day) he acts just like her! He acts almost babyish. He sings, makes noises, rolls around and instigates fights with dss14. 

When she's here he is almost stoic. He says things like he doesn't want to come here anymore because of her. 

I just don't get what is going on. We are thinking about doing family counseling. Every time either one of them gets in trouble or gets sad or mad they go on about how much they hate the other one, how mean they are, how everything is their fault. 

Other than counseling I don't know what to do. I hate to see dss so angry and upset. There is a lot going on at his mom's house and that could be part of it. 
I didn't expect them to perfectly accept each other, I just don't know what to do to help them.
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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Question two which is kind of related. Dss has always been reluctant to be physically affectionate with me. I have tried very hard to respect his boundaries and not push him. From time to time I hug him and he acts like he doesn't like it but my h says he has a smile on his face. I sometimes without thinking reach out and stroke his hair and he usually pulls away. 
I told them both a few months back that I love them but they didn't say it back: which is fine but I don't know if it made them uncomfortable.
Sometimes I think he gets annoyed with d because he wants my attention, but I don't know. 
It's like walking a tight rope. Not even attention he gets sad, too much and he gets smothered. 
He's really not the type who will be open with me about it. 
I think he's very loyal to his mom (who is insecure and has narcissistic tendencies) and he doesn't want it to seem like he likes me more than her???
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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

diwali...were your parents divorced? I ask because I think people whose parents were not divorced don't really get the whole range of emotions and issues children of divorce go through.

Or even if your parents were divorced, the circumstances are never the same for two children of divorce (even siblings)...they all process it differently.

If you haven't done so, go and find any books that look good to you about children of divorce, so you can really get a glimpse into how they can be affected and what to expect, how to handle things, etc.

I think just understanding what they go through really helps in dealing with them. They do not even know, most times, what they are feeling or are upset about. And it isn't just direct conscious thoughts like "I'm so mad at my dad for leaving my mom". It is usually much deeper issues that they can't even describe or articulate.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

The behaviour doesn't sound much different to bio siblings. I think you are being too critical and looking for problems. He is 8 years old, from a divorced family and now has been forced to be in a blended family, give him a break.

As for the affection again leave him alone, you are not his mum, if he doesn't want to hug then so be it.

It is good practice to get some guidance well before blending families but as it is too late now then yes it would be a good idea for you and your husband to get some counseling to learn more about how to blend families successfully.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

How am I being critical? I love this kid and I'm worried about him. I want to do what's best for him and I hate to see him unhappy. How is that critical? 
My parents divorced when I was in my twenties. 
For the record his mom is the one who wanted to sleep with other people and h wanted to work it out.
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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm really curious why all these assumptions are being made. That my h left his ex, that we didn't get any counsel before marrying, that our children are forced into a blended family. I don't understand where this is coming from.
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## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

The kids are young and just dont like each other... Hopefully it gets better as they get older.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He is afraid you will find him expendable; that you'd be happy with just your daughter - thus the venom against her, she's the personification of him possibly not being wanted. He needs constant (for the time being) reassurance that you WANT him there just as much as you want your daughter there.


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## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

My not very professional opinion is that he is afraid of being replaced by your daughter. That's why he acts like her when she's not around and gets cranky when she is around. 

Advice? Try to carve out time just for him. Make him feel special and irreplaceable.
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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

He needs constant (for the time being) reassurance that you WANT him there just as much as you want your daughter there.

How do I do that when he pushes me away a lot? He's so confusing! 
I talked to both of them Saturday and I do think my d antagonizes him more than we realized. I told her this has to stop. We talked about going to counseling together and she said she would be embarrassed. I told her if she's embarrassed by her behavior then don't do it! 
I asked her why she thought they came to visit and she said "to see me?" we had a conversation about the error in that. 
I also told them if one of them is mean they have to do something nice for the other person. They were great the rest of the weekend.
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

diwali123 said:


> How do I do that when he pushes me away a lot? He's so confusing!


You act like the adult and you continue to love him no matter what he does, because he needs to hear it.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Well of course, no question. It's just a question of how I show it. I don't want to cross boundaries.
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hmmm. I would start small, I think. As you're walking past him if he's sitting on the couch, just touch his shoulder and give it a light squeeze. Or if you're facing him, just touch his arm lightly before turning to do something else. Get him used to your touch. Be patient.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

He's ok with those things now. 
I just don't know what to do. His mom has basically decided she's done mothering and everything is about her. He's like a lost child. My h has tried everything to get legal advice on how to at least get him 50/50 but without major money and a huge fight it won't happen. 
One thing I'm doing is having a huge birthday party for him with his friends in his town. She hasn't had one for him in three years, it's always with her bf's son whose bday is the same week, they either go bowling or "have family over" which means she gets a leg and invites get friends and mom over to drink and they have a cake. 
He said last year she told him she was having a friend party for him but she "forgot". 
We have always had parties at our house for him with family and try to make it really fun. We ask what he wants to do and he doesn't answer. So this year we are going big and mom isn't invited. Sorry. She would take over and act like it was her idea and her party. 

There's a lot more. I just wish we could have him.
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, then, I'd suggest for a next step to look for opportunities to just slow down and be together, and talk. Talk. Talk. Talk about the flowers blooming, the frog you saw, what the kids down the street were doing, the movie coming out...and start slipping in little things about him in there. Don't make it obvious, but get him to get more comfortable talking to you.


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

Wow.. if this doesn't sound familiar... my husband and I got married when my daughter was 5 and his son is 8 months younger so he was 4.. we went through a tremendous amount of grief with his ex, she was the same, never did a big birthday party, never took him to see Santa and was an alcoholic, we got lucky and got full custody. That however was a battle as well, just dealing with her and I felt so sorry for my step-son, like he was just caught in the middle all the time. So I became his friend, and as they years passed we grew closer and closer, he calls me Mom now and I love him just as much as I do my 2 kids. His mother quit having much to do with him, and he is 16 now and rarely talks to her because of her behavior. He and my daughter had their battles, but I think he was just trying to figure out where he fit into the picture because I had 2 full-time at home. They are pretty close now, and love each other, not that they don't still fight sometimes, they are siblings.. lol.. anyway, just give it some time. I would let his dad do most of the discipline when he was younger, unless it was something simple like don't do that or you will hurt yourself. Be his friend, his soft place to land and let him know that you are on his side, and that if he needs to talk you will be there for him, that means sometimes you will have to listen and not go and tell your husband about everything he says, unless it is a situation that could cause him harm. I hope this helps! Good Luck with all of it!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Also, in many places, when the kids get to a certain age (12? 13?), they are allowed to tell the court where they wish to live. You might look into it.

Do you watch Parenthood? Watch this season, if you can; it's amazing. A couple with a girl around 10 can't have another child, and they end up adopting a boy the same age. And for many episodes, it's just like you describe. Lots of hostility, lots of parents wanting to throw in the towel. In the end, the parents ended up proving their commitment to him and, just like that, his anxiety, his anger, his defiance...all gone. All he needed to know was that they really WANTED him.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

We are in such an awkward situation. Can't say anything bad about mom.
The older son is 14 and completely brainwashed that of he even stays with us half time the world will end. 
He's been told he can decide what he wants but he is SO afraid of his mom he won't say anything she doesn't agree with.
By the time younger one is 13 the older one will be in college. I'm hoping he has enough sense to figure out who has his back. 

He does tell me a lot of things. We tell him repeatedly that we want them both but it isn't our choice. It's like talking to a brick wall. She has convinced them that they HAVE to stay with her. She doesn't want to lose her meal ticket.
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe you could print out something from the state that says what rights kids have, and just leave it with him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> She doesn't want to lose her meal ticket.


One of my brothers agreed to continue to give his ex the child support if his ex let their daughter live with him and his now wife.

His ex went for it. This is not happen until his daughter was about 13, but it worked.


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