# Was I right to stand my ground here?



## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

OK. You all know my story. I am in the midst of a divorce that my wife has filed on me. She also has/had been in an extramarital affair, one that is full of a lot of.....dirt.

We are in "separation mode" now, but still living in the same house. My wife wants to vacate soon so she can shack up with her new beau.....who is also MARRIED (god, that just kills me).

Anyway, before the papers were even filed, and before I even knew about the affair I started to sleep in our downstairs guest bedroom, voluntarily, while she sleeps in what was our marital bedroom. I did state at one point why should I be the one to vacate to the less desirable bedroom, but to save on contention I just continued to sleep there.

Our house has three full baths. One master bathroom (the one which we both always use), the hall-room bath (kids use that one), and one downstairs near the guest bedroom where I now sleep. Well, I tried to shower there one morning and I did not like it. The room is dark and a little dank, and I did not like the shower head or water pressure. I also don't like showering in the kids bathroom because the tub is usually strewn with toys and stuff. I basically like showering in the same shower I have been for 8 years in the master bedroom that my wife and I shared.

So I've been doing that for awhile now, on occasion crossing paths with the soon to be ex. This morning, she started a fight with me and told me "I am no longer allowed to use the master bathroom because it is HER space, and until she moves, that is the rule. Well, I stood my ground and said "no", this is still my house, and still my bedroom. I like this shower I am showering here". She got very vocal and at one point seemed like she was going to try to physically stop me from entering the shower. I walked in and she yelled "This is your last shower here", and I said, no it isn't. She started to balk about "respect" and my lack of respect is why our marriage has ended. Meanwhile, my wife is the one who has had the marital affair while constant lying to me, and has a huge reputation of being a very disrespectful person towards many others. I must admit, I kept my cool, but just stood my ground. No! I am continuing to use this shower. She was quite vocal and angry.

Should I have just said, "alright", I'll shower elsewhere to save on additional contention. I hate contention and battles, but I also do not want to be a pushover.

Also note that this mornings scene came closely after my wife found out from her attorney certain stipulations I have regarding temporary custody and money matters regarding moving details. She's not happy/frustrated with the stipulations, and I'm sure her reactions this morning were as a result of that to a degree.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Are you kidding me? Not only would I shower wherever the hell I wanted but I'd be sleeping in the master bedroom as well.

Sorry but cheaters sleep on the couch and shower with the toys.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Yes, stand your ground!

She can always move out to get her own space.

Lack of respect? Pretty standard cheater phraseology.

But when you think of it, she has a need of a shower even if it won't wash away what she has done.


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

I'm proud of myself for (1) standing my ground and (2) not letting my own emotions fly. I have vowed to do that with my kids in the house.

The respect comment kills me though. I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to provoke me. She tries to paint me "as a loose cannon" to everybody now, which is so, so frustrating and maddening to me, mainly because it is not fair nor accurate.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She is "bad-guy"ing you, i.e., "It's all YOUR fault that all of this is happening!"

By all means-stand fast, don't let her push you around-you've had enough of that!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Next time shes in the shower turn the water off...I mean at the main....turn the whole freaking house off.

Its her water now so she can dry off and go pay the bill!


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Hell ya! Don't give in brother... make her life the hell she has made yours.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

You did well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

magnoliagal said:


> Are you kidding me? Not only would I shower wherever the hell I wanted but I'd be sleeping in the master bedroom as well.
> 
> Sorry but cheaters sleep on the couch and shower with the toys.


:iagree: And I love the idea of cutting the water off.

Life shouldn't be made easy for a cheater!


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

I certainly empathize with the notion "to make her life miserable". However, I am just about past that stage. I've vented my anger and frustrations towards many friends and family, and speak with my counselor to help me "let go". (This board is a good place to vent as well). Any recent vents towards her have been by text or email, but they have stopped now too. It does me no good and she would never listen and see the reality of her wrong doings anyway. She is a chick who will probably never get out of "The Fog". I will always be to blame for her horrendous behaviors, which is what maddens me more than anything else.

I will always be tied to this woman, (for better or worse) because of our two adoring kids. Holding on to that anger, or going out of my way to sleight her will only keep the anger in, and that is not good for me or my kids. The time between now and D-Day has not been long, so justifiably I obviously still harbor bad feelings, and probably will for some time, but I am doing my best to vent outside my house for the sake of my kids and to give the best chance that in the future, me and the soon to be ex will get along...for the sake of my kids. In other words, turning off the water, although would be quite humorous...it isn't going to do any of us any good. I have no plans to try to make my soon to be ex miserable, but WILL do ANYTHING to protect MY interests, and my kid's interests. If contention develops out of that, so be it.

The shower incident was all her doing. She created that awkward moment, and I think her motivation may been to make ME be miserable. I will try to be civil, but again, I won't be a pushover. ("OK Dear...anything you say....if you don't want me in this space, I'll go elsewhere.....whatever you want!) My God, is that what she expects me to do after what she has done to me and my family....not to mention another family?? Geez! The nerve. She didn't even ask me in a tone like "Dude, I'd really appreciate it if you...She actually yelled it and demanded it, like I'm the a--hole. Man, that's maddening.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

She sure has some nerve! She's the one destroying the marriage and abandoning your family. This is YOUR home, she is leaving it to be with her OM, who will throw her under the bus eventually. You were right to stand your ground and not put up with her crap.

This is not about making her miserable. This is about taking a stand and establishing boundaries. I would protect yourself though. Get a VAR and turn it on when around her in case she tries to call the police on you for anything. She is the one disrespecting you with her A and abandoning you and the family for her OM. *Don't fall for her blame shifting!*


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

While I'm not suggesting that you look forward to the day that your STBXW and her OM will self destruct their relationship, take comfort in the knowledge that the odds are steep that it will work out into a successful relationship. Furthermore, both of them have shown their belief that betrayal is a justified action if you find someone "better" than your present spouse. This belief has set the stage for a future betrayal by one or both of them.

Keep on being a good father and improve yourself as a human being. A life well lived is the best revenge.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Nobody said you should mistreat her in any way, but don't make it easy for her to trounce all over you.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sorta what morituri said, but how loud are we gonna hear laughs when she has definitely left, goes to the other man, and realizes that he won't leave his W, and she is left empty-handed?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

morituri said:


> While I'm not suggesting that you look forward to the day that your STBXW and her OM will self destruct their relationship, take comfort in the knowledge that the odds are steep that it will work out into a successful relationship. Furthermore, both of them have shown their belief that betrayal is a justified action if you find someone "better" than your present spouse. This belief has set the stage for a future betrayal by one or both of them.
> 
> Keep on being a good father and improve yourself as a human being. A life well lived is the best revenge.


:iagree:

Statistics show the success rate of relationships borne of affairs are only between 3%-5%. MM very rarely leave their wives, and if they do, they usually try to go back. The saying "if he cheats with you, he will cheat on you" and "if you marry a man that cheats on his wife, you marry a man that cheats on his wife" holds true in many cases.

From the many storeis that I've seen, when a woman is cheating, the woman is more likely to leave her marriage while the OM is more likely to throw her under the bus and stay in his. Then the wayward wife ends up being alone. While this happens a lot, just don't bank on it. Just something to think about.

Stand your ground, it's your house, you are the betrayed spouse, SHE is the wayward spouse. You are in the right to stand your ground and don't give in to the crocodile tears when they turn on the waterworks.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

pjbap said:


> We are in "separation mode" now, but still living in the same house. My wife wants to vacate soon so she can shack up with her new beau.....who is also MARRIED (god, that just kills me).


You should be laughing, this has FAIL written all over it.

Assuming he did leave his wife and let her move in (which is rare) they wouldn't last 6 months together. Rebound relationships after a marriage have a hilariously high failure rate. Failure rates of relationships from affairs are around 97% within 2 years while I think 80% fail within the first year.

She is getting in way over her head and is going to crash hard when she moves out. Enjoy watching the train wreck.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

NZHappy said:


> blowing a kiss to the guy who screams at you when you are driving on the road


You mean calmly getting out of the car, opening the trunk and retrieving an aluminum bat isn't the way to go? I use that technique it works wonders. Except against the old ladies who are packing guns.

I've never found that screaming at people works. For anything. Holding eye contact with them, and silently crushing a lit cigarette out on the back my hand, now that works. (just kidding, I only did that a few times).


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

I'm all for putting yourself first, but at what cost. Divorce is in progress and she will be gone soon; hopefully. Insisting on using "her" shower is a source of friction and is causing you stress. IMO, I would choose to do without the added stress and settle for the other shower for now. You will have the good shower when she leaves anyway.

I look at it from the cost/benefit point of view. If insisting on using the good shower is worth the stress and confict it brings to you, then by all means continue. If not, consider it one less source of stress in your life and leave it alone.

I also sleep in the guest room and I choose to use the kids shower instead of the good one. To each his own.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

NZHappy said:


> ^
> 
> Seriously - try it out sometime - blow a kiss at someone who is getting in your grill or showing road rage.



That will get you shot 'round here.


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

All, the OM did not kick his wife out. Its the reverse. The wife of the OM threw him out of marital home for the involvement w my wife. He has no real place to stay which is one reason my wife wants to get her own place... However I do not want my kids exposed to all that just yet. That topic I started in another thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

I disagree with troy. My wayward wife creates the stress probably by rationalizing I deserved all this. I stand for self respect. I will not sacrifice the comforts of my home to appease. I already did by sleeping in the less desirable bedroom. I'm not the bad guy here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

It sounds like you're doing fine, even being overly generous....my husband wants me out of HIS house (the one he wouldn't have if not for me)...I fortunately received a provisional order to remain after he left, telling me he was divorcing me "as fast as possible" to marry his married OW (who has yet to file for divorce)...that was in October of last year. I don't care how much society looks the other way, he made a promise, a vow and a legal contract and he's reneging...any other place beside marriage, you have to pay some sort of penalty for that. Good luck, though...the kids pay a fair price for adult immaturity, as I learned during our first divorce.


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

Yes, it is the kids that ultimately suffer. You know prior to DDay even after she filed, I had feelings that ultimately we potentionally were reconciable. No way no how now, not after all the revelations and her behaviors through all of this. I can do so much better and find somebody w more respect, honesty, class, seflisness, and integrity.

All will find it interesting now that my WS (have to stop calling her my wife) mandates that we swap bedrooms, that now she sleep downstairs and use the shower there and I come back upstairs snd use the marital bedroom and master bath...all so she can have 'personal space'. I think she's making stuff about nothing. 

So I'll get the more comfortable digs now, but shell paint it up that I'm some kind of ahole for it to be this way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beentheredonthat (Feb 20, 2011)

troy said:


> I'm all for putting yourself first, but at what cost. Divorce is in progress and she will be gone soon; hopefully. Insisting on using "her" shower is a source of friction and is causing you stress. IMO, I would choose to do without the added stress and settle for the other shower for now. You will have the good shower when she leaves anyway.
> 
> I look at it from the cost/benefit point of view. If insisting on using the good shower is worth the stress and confict it brings to you, then by all means continue. If not, consider it one less source of stress in your life and leave it alone.
> 
> I also sleep in the guest room and I choose to use the kids shower instead of the good one. To each his own.



I agree with Troy, who needs the extra aggravation. Move on give her the little victories go for winning in the long hall.


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

beentheredonthat said:


> I agree with Troy, who needs the extra aggravation. Move on give her the little victories go for winning in the long hall.


What's the extra aggravation. I'd be cheating myself if I showered in the location that I don't like. Why should I do that, or give in to anything. If she was a deserving person, maybe but there's too much to this circumstance. 

Look. I am not out to make my wife miserable. As said that does nothing for me or my kids, the latter being the most important. But I will not sacrifice myself to appease her (as long as it does not affect my kids). This is about respecting myself against a woman who is in the deep fog.

I would not be surprised if her suggestion for her to sleep downstairs now has other "covert" reasonings. She is all about herself, and nothing but. 

I will continue to stand up for myself, again as long as the kids are not in the middle. I am not the WS, the liar, cheater, and betrayer. No way will I allow myself to be pushed around by this chick. That's not creating aggravation. That's acting out of self respect.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Flush the toilet and start the dishwasher or laundry ......oops!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Do you have a separation agreement drawn up? Have you separated finances and seen a lawyer? If you haven't you should right now. Do not be paying for her apartment or leaving her with access to money. Does she work? Is the house and cars in both your names?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

If you don't do something legally right away you'll be paying for her to continue her affair!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> If you don't do something legally right away you'll be paying for her to continue her affair!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We are in legal separation mode as she filed on me. The financial picture does get complicated.

Please read my thread 'should I just say 'whatever'.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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