# Thoughts from men and women on this one



## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

So here's what happened:

My husband runs a region for a very large large company. It is like being the president of a small company within the larger one. Last night they had the company regional holiday party. Usually it is snack, drinks and games in the office, but this year his group was invited to another group's party. They know how to party! It was at a museum, very dressy, catered. My husband's people were outnumbered 10 to 1. 

The other group's leader said a few words and handed the microphone to my husband who said a few words. When he said, "So here's to my team" 3 women whooped loudly. It was obvious in a group of about 300 people. A little while later, the 3 women all came up to my husband. They were all friendly, nice to me and very comfortable with my husband. It was not until later that I realized: where were their husbands? Everyone else I met from my husband's team I met with their date/spouse. I asked my husband casually, and he said, "You know, that's weird. They are here."

Do you think this is odd? 

It was clear that both the men and the women were comfortable with my husband, but these three....and then the admin from another office came up and was giggling to him and talking like a little girl. Again, I didn't think too much of it. She was very friendly with me as well.

Then we met a couple of women who are on a project that has had a lot of problems. Very, very friendly with my husband. Not weird to me - at least I didn't pick up on it - but by this time I was looking around. One woman is asian and I do know that my husband has been looking at asian porn recently, which I have never known him to do.

My husband was sweet and attentive all evening. I can't fault him for anything I saw. 

Was it just a fun night or do you think it all adds to something. Thanks.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Don't worry about the women, watch your husband. The only thing that matters in the equation is your husband. If he is a good man it won't matter how they treat him.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Unless there is more to the story I can't work out what you are worried about?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

MrsHolland said:


> Unless there is more to the story I can't work out what you are worried about?


Me neither. It just sounds like everyone on his team really likes and respects him.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

notmyrealname4 said:


> NickyT said:
> 
> 
> > The other group's leader said a few words and handed the microphone to my husband who said a few words. When he said, "So here's to my team"* 3 women whooped loudly. It was obvious in a group of about 300 people. * A little while later, the 3 women all came up to my husband. They were all friendly, nice to me and very comfortable with my husband. It was not until later that I realized: *where were their husbands?* Everyone else I met from my husband's team I met with their date/spouse. I asked my husband casually, and he said, *"You know, that's weird*. They are here."
> ...


Men I'm involved with usually lead teams of one kind or another in their profession, and I do as well. At any given work event, I could imagine everything the OP described happening with no weirdness behind it at all, at either mine or his holiday work thing. 

One year, was dating a guy and a very attractive woman he introduced me to gave me a side comment "he's a really good man". I could see easily she was attracted to him, but that she had no designs on him. She meant it to me woman to woman, with a gleam in her eye (at him). 

I felt really good about that exchange. She was honestly telling me she hopes he gets a good woman. Her loyalty was to him. I was just dating him. They had worked together a while. She was harmless yet sexy and very forward. I appreciated it.

Men I have worked with have said similar things to men I've brought to work functions. That he is a lucky guy, and that I'm a good woman. Then they accidentally stare at me a bit too long. Guys I've been with (including my ex husband) were not threatened at all and knew these men were no threat and actually respected me (even though they may have been attracted to me they have always acted respectfully and professionally). 

I guess if the OP has been cheated on or there is some other reason to worry, I might see this differently. But to me it sounds innocent and normal.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Have any of your partners had _three different women_ seek him out noticeably without their husbands? Even OP's husband said he thought that was weird.
> 
> Have any of your partners had an adult woman speak in baby talk/little girl voice to him in front of you?
> 
> ...


Yes I think it's great that she is getting different thoughts. And also she did have a gut feeling about this...so you may be totally right.

I'm just saying, yes I have been to work functions where the adoration applied to either myself or the man I was with was very high, and yes sometimes people get goofy and use their usual work banter at the party which to every one else could look inappropriate. Similar to what was described in the OP. It just hasn't been an issue.

Though there may be a little flutter of jealousy on one side or the other, it doesn't go beyond a flutter because I know where his heart is at and vice versa. Meh - so other people are attracted to us and made that obvious in front of our date/spouse. No harm done if no actual harm is being done.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Well, it's good that you attend these events. Sounds like a highly sexually charged work environment. I would not accuse your husband of doing anything wrong because nothing other than the porn indicates he is straying. But I would deliberately mark your territory and keep your husband close and his female coworkers closer. Let him know clearly the boundaries and the rules he is to follow.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Due to certain circumstances I ended up owning a health center last year.I have about seventy female instructors working for me and most of them flirt with me constantly,some of them make it very obvious that they are attracted to me and would like to take things further.
But you know what,it doesn’t matter a damn.I have the woman I want at home and I have no interest in anyone else.If the op is worrying about her husband cheating it’s not these women she needs to worry about.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> Due to certain circumstances I ended up owning a health center last year.I have about seventy female instructors working for me and most of them flirt with me constantly,some of them make it very obvious that they are attracted to me and would like to take things further.
> But you know what,it doesn’t matter a damn.I have the woman I want at home and I have no interest in anyone else.If the op is worrying about her husband cheating it’s not these women she needs to worry about.


Agree with this.

MrH works in a white collar career and works with, goes to lunches with, sales events with all sorts of women. His direct boss is a woman. I know that women find him very attractive and some openly flirt with him in front of me. I honestly don't stress about it, we are devoted to each other.

OP is there more to the story? It seems like a mountain out of a molehill.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Unless the gun smokes, it’s rather apparent that nothing really happened with your husband ~ so accept him as such!*


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Nicky,

I’m speaking as a fellow poster, not a mod. 

Unless you provide context, no one can offer you a meaningful answer. As a result you’ve gotten opinions, they are simply based on a pinhole view of your situation.







NickyT said:


> So here's what happened:
> 
> My husband runs a region for a very large large company. It is like being the president of a small company within the larger one. Last night they had the company regional holiday party. Usually it is snack, drinks and games in the office, but this year his group was invited to another group's party. They know how to party! It was at a museum, very dressy, catered. My husband's people were outnumbered 10 to 1.
> 
> ...


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Nicky 

To me the porn would be a little worrisome but other than that everything else seems typical workplace environment. Ive been to numerous functions at my husband's job and the female coworkers are openly flirtatious right in front of me. Some of them have also made snide comments to me. It use to really bother me especially since my husband travels A LOT and some of these women are on trips with him and trips with just the two of them. 

I don't worry about it anymore even though I don't possess the self confidence of @MrsHolland or @faithfulwife. What I am confident of is that I am the best wife I can be to him, Im getting back in good shape after back pregnancies, our sex life is only limited by his frequent travel. So after all of that if he is going to cheat (which I honestly don't think he would) then there is nothing I could do about it anyway. He is always supportive and complimentary of me both when we are alone and out in public. So I just don't even get bothered by the flirty women on his job. I think it's very disrespectful but it is what it is.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

MEM2020 said:


> Nicky,
> 
> I’m speaking as a fellow poster, not a mod.
> 
> Unless you provide context, no one can offer you a meaningful answer. As a result you’ve gotten opinions, they are simply based on a pinhole view of your situation.


I asked for opinions.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

thefam said:


> Nicky
> 
> To me the porn would be a little worrisome but other than that everything else seems typical workplace environment. Ive been to numerous functions at my husband's job and the female coworkers are openly flirtatious right in front of me. Some of them have also made snide comments to me. It use to really bother me especially since my husband travels A LOT and some of these women are on trips with him and trips with just the two of them.
> 
> I don't worry about it anymore even though I don't possess the self confidence of @MrsHolland or @faithfulwife. What I am confident of is that I am the best wife I can be to him, Im getting back in good shape after back pregnancies, our sex life is only limited by his frequent travel. So after all of that if he is going to cheat (which I honestly don't think he would) then there is nothing I could do about it anyway. He is always supportive and complimentary of me both when we are alone and out in public. So I just don't even get bothered by the flirty women on his job. I think it's very disrespectful but it is what it is.


If I received snide comments from female co workers of my H, that would make me feel off balance...I would definitely need some reassurance from him if that happened. Unless the comments were so ludicrous that they only made me roll my eyes or something. But if a hottie he worked with was being weird to me like that, I would feel weird. That has never happened to me. It seems that would be hard. Did he reassure you? Or was she such a hag you just didn't need reassurance maybe?


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

I seems pretty natural that he is getting female attention.. doesn't mean he is cheating on you, just means he is displaying desirable traits to these women (good job, and being married is also a sign of success.) If he is getting that attention, and doesnt come home to screw your brains... then maybe something to investigate further

From the little i know about women.. if he was sleeping with one of them, or multiple, you would have seen some serious cattiness or *****iness between the group of girls. Whoever has slept with him would try to mark her territory over the others.. and you would have felt some attitude coming your way for being the "wife"


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

notmyrealname4 said:


> A bunch of women at your husband's work are sexually attracted to him. And aren't afraid of publicly showing it. Whoops at a formal occasion are in bad taste.
> 
> They came over without their husbands, because they wanted to ooh and aah over your guy, without their husbands noticing and giving them a ration of shi* about it later.
> 
> ...


There IS more to the story as one response guessed, but I wanted opinions based on these facts alone. 

Yes, my husband cheated in the past. In the time leading up to the cheating, he did not take me to office functions and when I was around his coworkers he did his best to NOT make it comfortable and welcoming. At this event the other evening, he made sure everyone knew me, we complemented me to his coworkers, he included me when they were talking shop be giving context. He was the perfect date and husband.

One of the three women who I am now referring to as "the groupies" - these are the three women who loudly cheered him and came over to us without their husbands - is a lead in the architecture group. A few months ago, he told me he was having lunch with Joe, another lead, and by chance I discovered he was having lunch with this particular groupie. I saw an email between them where she was saying "We don't have to keep meeting for lunch if you are getting tired of me" and his response was about how he enjoys their lunches. I confronted him calmly and he said he hides from me that he is working with women due to my "sensitivity on the issue". I asked him how he would feel if he found out that Bernie, a woman I have talked about because we have been working on a special project together, was actually a man. He was stunned. He said he would not like it at all and would feel I had something to hide. Bingo, baby. Haha..he cheated on me...and lied to me for years about women at work. I wear my sensitivity calmly but proudly.

I have to admit that I was surprised at how MANY women he works with since he only ever talks about men, and he sits down every evening when he gets home and tells me in detail about work. The two women who work on the problem project - he talks about this project daily - he has never mentioned them. When he introduced them to me at the party, he described them as the "rock stars" of the project. ??? One of these women is the asian woman.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Steve2.0 said:


> I seems pretty natural that he is getting female attention.. doesn't mean he is cheating on you, just means he is displaying desirable traits to these women (good job, and being married is also a sign of success.) If he is getting that attention, and doesnt come home to screw your brains... then maybe something to investigate further
> 
> From the little i know about women.. if he was sleeping with one of them, or multiple, you would have seen some serious cattiness or *****iness between the group of girls. Whoever has slept with him would try to mark her territory over the others.. and you would have felt some attitude coming your way for being the "wife"


Thanks for the man's opinion. I don't believe he is having an affair. I have lived through that, so I know what to look for and I have a decent idea of when he is lying. He definitely does not come home and screw my brains out. He masturbates. I have let him know that I would like to have sex more often, but he never initiates.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Faithful Wife said:


> If I received snide comments from female co workers of my H, that would make me feel off balance...I would definitely need some reassurance from him if that happened. Unless the comments were so ludicrous that they only made me roll my eyes or something. But if a hottie he worked with was being weird to me like that, I would feel weird. That has never happened to me. It seems that would be hard. Did he reassure you? Or was she such a hag you just didn't need reassurance maybe?


I think you are confusing me with one of the responders to my post. There were no snide comments. Everyone was very nice to me and my husband was a perfect, gracious host and date.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

It could be that they want to hop on your hubby's lap or they feel he's a really safe dude to be around.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

toblerone said:


> they feel he's a really safe dude to be around.


I had not thought of that.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

NickyT said:


> Thanks for the man's opinion. I don't believe he is having an affair. I have lived through that, so I know what to look for and I have a decent idea of when he is lying. He definitely does not come home and screw my brains out. He masturbates. I have let him know that I would like to have sex more often, but he never initiates.


I suffered that problem as well.. Masturbation and porn (which i carried into married from my early years) really hurt my sexual life with my wife. Luckily for me, i had a self awaking and have stopped it and started to focus on her, but after 7 years i have a lot of damage, and behaviors to overcome. 

I also had an unhealthy (maybe unhealthy?) expectation and desire for my wife to initiate sex. I always wanted her to come over and blow me out of no-where but have now realized that i did nothing to trigger her desire in me which creates an even smaller desire for her to want to pleasure me.

I have some books you can have him read.. but i don't know what level of open-mindedness he has. These are all books that were already recommended on this forum which worked so well that i decided to become an active participate on this forum.

while masturbation is healthy, i would advise you try to find a way to have him balance it out so that it never interferes with sex.... It should be an addition to, or relief, for when you are not available to be there for it... never something that reduces the drive to have sex with you...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

NickyT said:


> There IS more to the story as one response guessed, but I wanted opinions based on these facts alone.
> 
> Yes, my husband cheated in the past. In the time leading up to the cheating, he did not take me to office functions and when I was around his coworkers he did his best to NOT make it comfortable and welcoming. At this event the other evening, he made sure everyone knew me, we complemented me to his coworkers, he included me when they were talking shop be giving context. He was the perfect date and husband.
> 
> ...


To me this is just par for the course when being married to a cheater. Most of them pretty much suck and make your life a nightmare. One day you may decide to move on, when you do you will probably wish you had done it sooner.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

NickyT said:


> I think you are confusing me with one of the responders to my post. There were no snide comments. Everyone was very nice to me and my husband was a perfect, gracious host and date.


Sorry Nicky...I was responding to thefam and her mentioning of snide comments at her husband's work parties.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

NickyT said:


> There IS more to the story as one response guessed, but I wanted opinions based on these facts alone.
> 
> Yes, my husband cheated in the past. In the time leading up to the cheating, he did not take me to office functions and when I was around his coworkers he did his best to NOT make it comfortable and welcoming. At this event the other evening, he made sure everyone knew me, we complemented me to his coworkers, he included me when they were talking shop be giving context. He was the perfect date and husband.
> 
> ...


Yep, that makes it all a lot different.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Super helpful having all this context.


The most constructive approach might be to be unfiltered, without being accusatory. Questions are better than statements.

Am i doing stuff that discourages you from talking about female colleagues?
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Am i doing stuff that discourages you from initiating with me, when you feel desire?

The more connected he is to you, the less room in his head for other connections. 

Btw: This is very difficult stuff. He is partly afraid that the porn plus female colleague racial tie in would make for a legitimately painful conversation. 




NickyT said:


> Steve2.0 said:
> 
> 
> > I seems pretty natural that he is getting female attention.. doesn't mean he is cheating on you, just means he is displaying desirable traits to these women (good job, and being married is also a sign of success.) If he is getting that attention, and doesnt come home to screw your brains... then maybe something to investigate further
> ...


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

When you are a man in a high position women in lower positions seem to look at you with Gaga eyes. It is not so much what they do but more about what your husband says to them. Admins, marketing women, accounting women, receptionists etc are usually the ones who flirt the most with the high level men. As for the Asian porn, I would not worry about it. He may or may not be attracted to that woman and maybe just curious. It does not mean he would act on it.


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## qwy (Dec 15, 2017)

Faithful Wife said:


> I know where his heart is at and vice versa. Meh - so other people are attracted to us and made that obvious in front of our date/spouse. No harm done if no actual harm is being done.


Mrs Faithful Wife Don't take this the wrong way but I think you are somewhat wasting your time trying to be level head with some people on this issue

It is obvious from reading your comments that you are coming from a place of security and high self-esteem while others are not. A person who has been cheated on or who lacks confidence in themselves and the strength of their partners faithfulness will not understand you points no matter what you say.

They don't understand that saying that "I trust him I just don't trust her" is the same as saying she DOESN'T trust him-unless she believes that the other women are somehow raping him and forcing him against him will.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

NickyT, I don't think that you'll need to worry about your husband in this group. If I were you, I would make sure that I make friends with them. If your husband will have an affair with any one of them, you will know. Given his record that he has cheated before, I would be watchful but not jealous.


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