# Should I go into Plan B now?



## swingline (Jun 5, 2013)

WH admitted to having emotional affair since February. I did nuclear exposure to his friends/colleagues, family, my family, OW's FB friends a couple of weeks ago. WH said affair ended (I do believe him) but he is ambivalent about continuing with the marriage. Also still angry about the exposures, saying I ruined his career. I had been inadvertently doing Plan A since March when WH told me ILBINILWY (but I didn't know about the affair then). We have 2 DCs.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What is Plan B?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> What is Plan B?


Harley's book
plan A stinks anyways


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

swingline said:


> WH admitted to having emotional affair since February. I did nuclear exposure to his friends/colleagues, family, my family, OW's FB friends a couple of weeks ago. WH said affair ended (I do believe him) but he is ambivalent about continuing with the marriage. Also still angry about the exposures, saying I ruined his career. I had been inadvertently doing Plan A since March when WH told me ILBINILWY (but I didn't know about the affair then). We have 2 DCs.


More details from you would help us get a better understanding of your situation.

How long have you been married? 

How do you know it was only an EA?

Did you find evidence or did he just confess out of the blue?

Do you even want to reconcile?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Harley's book
> plan A stinks anyways


I've seen Plan B thrown around here before, but I don't know what it's supposed to be either. And I've asked a couple of times.


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## swingline (Jun 5, 2013)

10 years married, 2 DCs (9 and 1). WH said it was only an EA (I do believe him, but I acknowledge the possibility that it was a PA as well, but it doesn't really matter to me). I found some evidence in his search history (romantic hotels, restaurants) and cell phone logs (number he frequently texted). I do want to reconcile. Afraid that Plan B may decrease my chances for reconciliation.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What's your definition of Plan B?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I've seen Plan B thrown around here before, but I don't know what it's supposed to be either. And I've asked a couple of times.



PLan B is basically the 180

What Are Plan A and Plan B?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Welllllllllll if it's "not sure" he wants to be with you, do you really want to be with him?

I can tell you this: don't beg, don't be a doormat, and don't roll over to please him just cause he's having an On day despite the fact he's telling you he's not "sure" about you. 

Cake eating.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Welllllllllll if it's "not sure" he wants to be with you, do you really want to be with him?
> 
> I can tell you this: don't beg, don't be a doormat, and don't roll over to please him just cause he's having an On day despite the fact he's telling you he's not "sure" about you.
> 
> Cake eating.


well you are describing plan B actually


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I would do plan "tell him to leave the house if he doesn't want to be married to you"


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ah, thanks AR.

So Plan A is 'nicing' your WS out of their affair is it?

Swingline, your husband is not remorseful. The only way to deal with this is to end the marriage. Kick him out. Tell him if he's going to cheat he doesn't do so under the same roof as you and your kids. Sometimes this shocks them into seeing the light and smartening up, sometimes it doesn't.

If you aren't ready to kick him out then the 180 is the way to go.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

Plan B is more than the 180.

180 is to show ambivalence, to let the spouse know you are fine or better moving on without them.

The theory of plan B is that the wayward spouse is content getting some of their emotional needs met by the spouse and others met by the affair partner. Plan B is to cut off one of the sources (spouse) completely and see if that shocks the wayward back into reality. 

In plan B you go totally dark, no contact at all with the wayward spouse.


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## LostCPA (Apr 15, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> PLan B is basically the 180
> 
> What Are Plan A and Plan B?


My understanding of Harley's Plan B is that it is similar to the 180, but it also includes you going NC with your WS. He even recommends you find an intecessor to deal with children so that there is no need to see or speak to the WS.

His idea is that in Plan A you meet their emotional needs and if that doesn't pull them back, then you jerk the rug out from under their feet and leave them to experience life totally without you.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I thought Plan B was a pill...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

doubletrouble said:


> I thought Plan B was a pill...


I thought it was what the BS is when the WS comes back to them only after the AP rejects them.


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## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I thought it was what the BS is when the WS comes back to them only after the AP rejects them.


:lol:
ROFL... :rofl: I needed to laugh. 

I hope OP can update, or expand on situation. Good Luck.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I don't know about plan A. I could see the road to rugsweeping paved with this tactic.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> So Plan A is 'nicing' your WS out of their affair is it?


Eh, not really. Plan A is being the best spouse you can be _while also letting your WS know that he/she has got to end the affair, doing a nuclear exposure, and preparing yourself legally and financially for Plan B if the WS doesn't end the affair_. There are both carrot and a stick elements there. And there's a time limit to how long this goes on before either R or Plan B begins. 

You move into Plan B if the WS doesn't end the affair and agree to your terms for R in short order.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

doubletrouble said:


> I thought Plan B was a pill...


It is :rofl:

It comes down to: do you both want it? If you don't BOTH want it, no dice. And I personally wouldn't wait around for him to make up his mind. Not while he gets to string you along and do whatever he wants. No, tanks.


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