# 10 yrs since affair felt DDay all over



## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

My wife and I have been married 20 years we are in our late 30s. Short story she had a affair with a coworker 10 years ago. Shortly after the affair started she admitted to me what happen. Basically the guy was alot older than us, not good in bed, drug addicted, bi-polar and my wife figured him out after he was caught in the parking lot at work with a prostitute. Then there is me successful wealth and not bad looking.He swept my wife off her feet by telling her how much better she was than his wife and how lame I was. We were both young and dumb. Since then we have had years of counseling and the best life I could imagine basically we are inseparable now. I had not even thought of the affair in quite some time, I went to get my truck serviced and noticed the idiot was the Serviceman. He did not recognize me at first, so I left him a stupid note about what a real loser he is and how great our life is since he showed my wife what believing a idiot leads to. I get home,tell my wife first thing who I saw and how close she came to screwing up her life. Then she starts sending me text about how fortunate she was to keep me and sorry she is about what she had done. That night she initiated some really good sex. After the sex I felt relieved and relaxed about the situation. Is all this normal after 10 years of a affair. Will a I have a break down if triggered like this in the future. It kinda opened up a can of worms I thought was long gone.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

From what I have read as long as you are with her you will trigger every once and a while. That's life, lots of people trigger from lots of traumatic things in their past, what she did to you sucks. It's not reflection on you by the way, it's all on her. Good thing she wised up. There are things in my past that cause me to trigger as well, they don't have to do with infidelity. This is really no different you have to just accept it. If your life is good and you are truly over it then let it go.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Affairs are the gift that keeps on giving unfortunately. You seem to have successfully reconciled but you can never forget what she did and triggers are always hiding around the next corner. Don't let it affect you this much.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Big10 said:


> That night she initiated some really good sex. After the sex I felt relieved and relaxed about the situation. .


Oh ,Thank Baby Jesus !

"she initiated some really good sex" with you. PHEW!

Like the kind she initiated with the loser "Serviceman"

You are going to be triggered till the day you die.

Why? Because your wife, your partner in the foxhole put a bullet through your heart.

Buckle up.


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

sandcastle said:


> Like the kind she initiated with the loser "Serviceman"


Never happened that way, hers was more of a emotional affair. Remembering back with our counseling that's how a male sees a affair. For her it was attention she was getting and his stupid lying. I blame it on both of our innocents, in marriages you go through slumps. Neither of us realized people are out there ready to pounce, I lost a lot of faith in humanity during that time.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Ah Christmas, comes one time a year and always hits the trigger.


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

rrrbbbttt said:


> Ah Christmas, comes one time a year and always hits the trigger.


Nah Valentines use to be that day for me.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I trigger whenever I return to the area I dated and became engaged to my piece of work at the time. Mine D day was over 25 years ago.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

When a man reconciles with an unfaithful wife, your marriage changes forever. You will always be at risk of triggering and spiraling, potentially into a nervous breakdown or depression. It took me years of therapy, work that focuses on me and becoming emotionally healthy. I'm finally at a place where I trust myself to decide my mood and happiness because you can control it, just takes time. Now my kids and I are #1 in my life, career #2, and my wife a distant 3rd. She's already proven to me she can't be counted on for me to invest my happiness into, so I'm not. I don't care if it was 16 years ago, or 16 days ago, it doesn't change.

You just have to accept this if you want to maintain the marriage. A man staying with a disloyal woman isn't natural, it goes against everything your subconscious is telling you about her. It's ingrained into men moreso than women because with women, there is no doubt about maternity, with men the only way you could guarantee that a child was yours, is if she was sleeping only with you. You know now she is fully capable of cheating on you, So you're fighting against thousands of years of societal evolution that trained our brains to immediately get rid of a cheating woman so our genes can be passed on properly. You can sweep it under the rug for many years, but eventually it bubbles to the surface and it has to be reconciled. The fact that you wrote this note to the guy, told your wife, and are now here makes it obvious that this isn't really done.

more than likely this is what happened:

Your wife felt she settled for you, she found a guy she thought was better, that man became her Plan A, you became Plan B. Once that happened, Plan B never becomes Plan A. Just because this guy didn't work out (she found out he liked prostitutes, but if he had been a successful man into only her, more than likely you wife would've left you). Your wife found you unsatisfactory for her, and she needed a better man. That hasn't changed. You're plan B, and eventually she'll seek out her Plan A again. 

I'm in a similar boat wife cheated 16 years ago leading to a lengthy separation. But I don't give a ****, I'm here for the kids and I make no bones about it. The funny thing is once I stopped caring, and I stopped counting on my wife for my happiness, my wife and I get along much better, work as a team, no issues. I've just abandoned her as a love interest, she's a friend and partner, that's all. She is now my Plan B. I'm not looking for another woman, just another life where I don't have to deal with her betrayal weighing on me anymore, it's not worth it.

Good luck.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Well, it would be pretty hard not to "trigger" when running into your FWS's screw-buddy, no matter how long after DD. Anybody would. Considering your long term commitment and success in recovering the marriage, I would look at it as a mere bump in the road, he isn't worth your time or stress. Your wife appears to have owned her bad choices, greatly values you and your marriage and show's remorse. IMHO, that's about all you can ask for. Will there be triggers? Probably. But don't let one instance change your course. If you still have any open questions about it or didn't get closure, then now is the time to discuss it with her. If not, move forward with her and leave the dirt ball in the rear view mirror.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> When a man reconciles with an unfaithful wife, your marriage changes forever. You will always be at risk of triggering and spiraling, potentially into a nervous breakdown or depression. It took me years of therapy, work that focuses on me and becoming emotionally healthy. I'm finally at a place where I trust myself to decide my mood and happiness because you can control it, just takes time. Now my kids and I are #1 in my life, career #2, and my wife a distant 3rd. She's already proven to me she can't be counted on for me to invest my happiness into, so I'm not. I don't care if it was 16 years ago, or 16 days ago, it doesn't change.
> 
> You just have to accept this if you want to maintain the marriage. A man staying with a disloyal woman isn't natural, it goes against everything your subconscious is telling you about her. It's ingrained into men moreso than women because with women, there is no doubt about maternity, with men the only way you could guarantee that a child was yours, is if she was sleeping only with you. You know now she is fully capable of cheating on you, So you're fighting against thousands of years of societal evolution that trained our brains to immediately get rid of a cheating woman so our genes can be passed on properly. You can sweep it under the rug for many years, but eventually it bubbles to the surface and it has to be reconciled. The fact that you wrote this note to the guy, told your wife, and are now here makes it obvious that this isn't really done.
> 
> ...



Does that mean once the kids are out fo the house you will move on?


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Does that mean once the kids are out fo the house you will move on?


My youngest is in elementary school, once he's 15 or 16 I'll separate and seek a divorce. I think that's old enough for a boy where constant fatherly involvement in the home becomes less necessary. They're their own little men at that point and guiding them becomes more hands off so I'll feel better about it.

It works out well because in my career once you hit 50 you're unemployable. So I have a decade of working in my career and getting debt free and a savings put together for us. Then I'll start my own business and be off on my own while maintaining hopefully a great relationship with my kids and ex.

Of course my wife notices that my affection has waned significantly, she may get sick of it and cheat again or divorce. Then that likely ups the timeline for all of this. Plan A likely never materializes, so I'll have a Plan B and C ready to roll with the punches.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> My youngest is in elementary school, once he's 15 or 16 I'll separate and seek a divorce. I think that's old enough for a boy where constant fatherly involvement in the home becomes less necessary. They're their own little men at that point and guiding them becomes more hands off so I'll feel better about it.
> 
> It works out well because in my career once you hit 50 you're unemployable. So I have a decade of working in my career and getting debt free and a savings put together for us. Then I'll start my own business and be off on my own while maintaining hopefully a great relationship with my kids and ex.
> 
> Of course my wife notices that my affection has waned significantly, she may get sick of it and cheat again or divorce. Then that likely ups the timeline for all of this. Plan A likely never materializes, so I'll have a Plan B and C ready to roll with the punches.


I'm sorry Marriage...but i am trying to do the math, you had a child after her affair 16 years ago? why would you put yourself in that position your only delaying leaving her. also does she understand the your waning is because of her actions?


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> I'm sorry Marriage...but i am trying to do the math, you had a child after her affair 16 years ago? why would you put yourself in that position your only delaying leaving her. also does she understand the your waning is because of her actions?


I have 3 kids, I already had 1 when she had the affair long ago. That bound me to her for at least 17 years or so. I've had 2 other children in between because I wasn't always at the point I am at now. Back then I thought I could simply sweep it under the rug and move on, and convinced myself that a cheating wife could be redeemed, but I've come to the conclusion that she cannot, and the damage done can't be repaired or moved past, not fully. But that rug-sweeping led to emotional and mental health issues like depression, low self-esteem, and anxiety.

She knows the marriage isn't great and I've withdrawn my affection significantly. I've always been very affectionate and complimentary, sweet to her, that's stopped because I'm not a sociopath who could fake that for years.

Since I'm the one who would be kicked out of the house, forced to pay her half my salary, and not see my kids when she's the one who ruined the marriage and irrevocably broke it, I don't feel I owe her anything. I'm simply living my life, if she doesn't like it she's free to file for divorce at any time.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Big10 said:


> My wife and I have been married 20 years we are in our late 30s. Short story she had a affair with a coworker 10 years ago. Shortly after the affair started she admitted to me what happen. Basically the guy was alot older than us, not good in bed, drug addicted, bi-polar and my wife figured him out after he was caught in the parking lot at work with a prostitute. Then there is me successful wealth and not bad looking.He swept my wife off her feet by telling her how much better she was than his wife and how lame I was. We were both young and dumb. Since then we have had years of counseling and the best life I could imagine basically we are inseparable now. I had not even thought of the affair in quite some time, I went to get my truck serviced and noticed the idiot was the Serviceman. He did not recognize me at first, so I left him a stupid note about what a real loser he is and how great our life is since he showed my wife what believing a idiot leads to. I get home,tell my wife first thing who I saw and how close she came to screwing up her life. Then she starts sending me text about how fortunate she was to keep me and sorry she is about what she had done. That night she initiated some really good sex. After the sex I felt relieved and relaxed about the situation. Is all this normal after 10 years of a affair. Will a I have a break down if triggered like this in the future. It kinda opened up a can of worms I thought was long gone.


There will always be triggers, and there's *no* worse trigger than seeing the 'Other Man' in person, no matter how many years have passed. Since then your wife has been a good wife for ten years and you two have a good relationship now. She handled your trigger by apologizing again and initiating sex. There's nothing better she could have done. What you have is the best possible outcome of infidelity.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ah, yes...

She learned the lesson..
You received it second hand.

Her debt is one that never gets paid.
Yet, she makes daily installments. 
Alas, the interest on this debt never trails down, of this I am afraid.

You have an edge over this Wayward Wife...
Just never sit on this, your edge, for long...lest it cut you in half.
Half a day at a time, rewarding you with a sort of, rather half life.

One half good, the other tainted, dyed blue.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

There are exceptions to the norm. Please dont miss that. There are times when an affair is a one time despicable choice that people learn from and never repeat. It isnt always a sign of a persons everlasting character. I had an EA/PA 25 years ago- I quit it and made changes in my life so it would never be repeated- no fooling myself that any guy is going to be "just a friend". I went to confession I vowed to be faithful and recommit to my h for the rest of my life. I have. Never have I even had an inkling of desire towards another man since. I can't even imagine it. Not every WS is an unrepentant serial snake.

I told H after TAM gave me some 2x4's a few years ago. (I'd come on here thinking he was having an A-not really sure if it was projection, or part of a relationship OCD thing which is being treated successfully) H was devastated like it had just happened. He went through what you have gone through. We both received IC and MC and have worked very hard on recovery. We would both say that our marriage is better now than it ever has been. We are more affectionate, have more sex, are emotionally intimate and each others best friend now. We learned what each others needs are and are dilligent about meeting them. 

He triggers occasionally. The feelings are less intense and short lived. He can come to me for reassurance. Its been about 3 years since his D day. I would imagine that under the right circumstances 10 years from now it could still happen. 
I trigger occasionally. I dont think I have the whole story from him. I choose to live with that uncertainty.

We both decided that we will fight for each other and the marriage.There is a deeper love between us now. There have been ups and downs but it has been worth it. We spend evenings cuddled on the couch, walking hand in hand in the dark, we sleep naked spooning. 

Last month- after dark -we sat naked around the fire pit (after a couple of glasses of wine) at our farmhouse-just for fun- and our tenants drove up. We ran naked hand in hand around the house to the curb side where of course there was a car coming....there we were -in our late 50's- with our imperfect bodies- running around the tree trying to avoid the passing cars headlights. H ended up crawling around the side of the house to get our clothes when he hears "Hey how's it going?" from the tenant who had not gone in the door yet!!!.........H says nothing, runs back to me and we lay on the grass laughing for about half an hour. 

So......would we give this marriage up? Never in a million years. R is not for everyone. Both people need to be commited to making it better no matter what it takes. Love can sometimes be a choice - we swallowed our pride learned how to be vulnerable to each other and saw a life together that can be beautiful.


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> Your wife felt she settled for you, she found a guy she thought was better, that man became her Plan A, you became Plan B. Once that happened, Plan B never becomes Plan A. Just because this guy didn't work out (she found out he liked prostitutes, but if he had been a successful man into only her, more than likely you wife would've left you). Your wife found you unsatisfactory for her, and she needed a better man. That hasn't changed. You're plan B, and eventually she'll seek out her Plan A again.
> .


I use to think this way in all reality that was true at that moment. I'm wealthy my wife has about 10k a month she can spend on what ever. I think all this hit her hard when you go from a man who can give you about anything you want, to a man who can't buy you lunch. She quickly realized it doesn't take me long and I have a lady's knocking on my door. I became a alpha male to her. I hate it's this way but woman love money and she realized quick I had no problems finding someone else. Also seems to be a turn on for them, if someone else is wanting you. I'm not going to lie it helps my ego.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> My youngest is in elementary school, once he's 15 or 16 I'll separate and seek a divorce. I think that's old enough for a boy where constant fatherly involvement in the home becomes less necessary. They're their own little men at that point and guiding them becomes more hands off so I'll feel better about it.
> 
> It works out well because in my career once you hit 50 you're unemployable. So I have a decade of working in my career and getting debt free and a savings put together for us. Then I'll start my own business and be off on my own while maintaining hopefully a great relationship with my kids and ex.
> 
> Of course my wife notices that my affection has waned significantly, she may get sick of it and cheat again or divorce. Then that likely ups the timeline for all of this. Plan A likely never materializes, so I'll have a Plan B and C ready to roll with the punches.


Every 2 months you are with her is one more month of maintenance or alimony (whatever your state calls it) that you will have to pay her if she is not a working woman herself. Have you looked into the laws of your state about that?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

@NJ2,

But it is never the same as before the infidelity.


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

Araucaria said:


> Every 2 months you are with her is one more month of maintenance or alimony (whatever your state calls it) that you will have to pay her if she is not a working woman herself. Have you looked into the laws of your state about that?


I became wealthy at a young age, quickly while we where dating. When I got married I had lawyers help me with that situation. She didn't marry me for the money because she didn't realize I had it. I did have a prenuptial. From what I understand from multiple lawyers if she cheats she gets nothing but a few house i could care less about. If I cheat it's a hole different ball game. After she cheated I would randomly get PI to follow her. Only place she went was to her moms and out with family. After the affair I told her quit work or get out. Did that just get her away from the guy. Her and her mom now volunteer at a organization we created. She enjoys working and I didn't want to isolate her. I figured that would make our situation worse off and make her filled controlled.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Araucaria said:


> Every 2 months you are with her is one more month of maintenance or alimony (whatever your state calls it) that you will have to pay her if she is not a working woman herself. Have you looked into the laws of your state about that?


She works and by the time we divorce she'll be at max pay for teaching, she has her Master's, just needs the years. She'll make ~100K/year. I'll owe standard child support for a time, and may pay some alimony, but it wouldn't be much due to her income, employment, and education levels. I'm not overly concerned about it. It's definitely not worth seeing my kids every other weekend and being a glorified babysitter while some other fella father's them.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> She works and by the time we divorce she'll be at max pay for teaching, she has her Master's, just needs the years. She'll make ~100K/year. I'll owe standard child support for a time, and may pay some alimony, but it wouldn't be much due to her income, employment, and education levels. I'm not overly concerned about it. It's definitely not worth seeing my kids every other weekend and being a glorified babysitter while some other fella father's them.


You sound just like a buddy of mine.

He's at peace where he is (although he still isn't sure if he wants to divorce).

He's happy (for the most part).

If you're happy and it works, good.

Lot of people say that you should tell the wife your plans. That it's not fair. She deserves to be able to make a choice. You're being cruel leading her on. She needs to know that there is a finite amount of time left in this relationship.

IDK. I don't see it that way. Because of the destruction caused by the affair, she's now on a need to know basis. I don't see it as cruel unless you are leading her on thinking there will be a future. I see it as a sad consequence of an affair.


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

Also our relationship is much like it was when we first got together. Our sex life is awesome after the the affair. It sounds almost sick to say that. I will admit I was not a great lover before the affair, more dedicated to my company I had created and was not meeting her emotionally needs. I was never a romantic person. The affair made me work harder to be a better husband. She works harder to be a better wife. I could not imagine life with out her. She will send me text randomly about how thankful she is I didn't divorce her. Visits me a work daily for lunch. Our relationship is a much more mature relationship than we had before. When she know I'm triggered she tries to make things better. Yesterday I was very upset and yelled at her why. Why would you do this make me feel like this. She know for me it's about the sex that bothers me. I struggled with knowing someone else had sex with her. She reminds me it was never about the sex. It was emotional for her and when it turned sexual it made her feel nasty. During MC she told us She would take long showers after their sex trying wash the feeling away because it turned sexual and she never wanted it to go that far.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Sounds like you love her, but you don't want to be triggered for the rest of your life.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Big10 said:


> She reminds me it was never about the sex. It was emotional for her and when it turned sexual it made her feel nasty. During MC she told us She would take long showers after their sex trying wash the feeling away because it turned sexual and she never wanted it to go that far.



Did you really dig deep into this? If your W did not want it to go that far then why did she? If it was nasty why return to do it again?


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Did you really dig deep into this? If your W did not want it to go that far then why did she? If it was nasty why return to do it again?


Mc dug into it nasty = shame guilty feeling


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Big10 said:


> I use to think this way in all reality that was true at that moment. I'm wealthy my wife has about 10k a month she can spend on what ever. I think all this hit her hard when you go from a man who can give you about anything you want, to a man who can't buy you lunch. She quickly realized it doesn't take me long and I have a lady's knocking on my door. I became a alpha male to her. I hate it's this way but woman love money and she realized quick I had no problems finding someone else. Also seems to be a turn on for them, if someone else is wanting you. I'm not going to lie it helps my ego.


Don't confuse alpha male with meal ticket...would she still see you as an alpha male if you did not have wealth behind you?


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Don't confuse alpha male with meal ticket...would she still see you as an alpha male if you did not have wealth behind you?


I'd say more than one thing makes you alpha male. Power money fitness etc.

I pretty much used my money and power to ruin what little the idiot had going for him. Be honest some of it may have been unethical


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Big10 said:


> I hate it's this way but woman love money and she realized quick I had no problems finding someone else. Also seems to be a turn on for them, if someone else is wanting you. I'm not going to lie it helps my ego.


****ty women feel this way. Some women want to make there own money for themselves.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

NJ2 said:


> There are exceptions to the norm. Please dont miss that. There are times when an affair is a one time despicable choice that people learn from and never repeat. It isnt always a sign of a persons everlasting character. I had an EA/PA 25 years ago- I quit it and made changes in my life so it would never be repeated- no fooling myself that any guy is going to be "just a friend". I went to confession I vowed to be faithful and recommit to my h for the rest of my life. I have. Never have I even had an inkling of desire towards another man since. I can't even imagine it. Not every WS is an unrepentant serial snake.
> 
> I told H after TAM gave me some 2x4's a few years ago. (I'd come on here thinking he was having an A-not really sure if it was projection, or part of a relationship OCD thing which is being treated successfully) H was devastated like it had just happened. He went through what you have gone through. We both received IC and MC and have worked very hard on recovery. We would both say that our marriage is better now than it ever has been. We are more affectionate, have more sex, are emotionally intimate and each others best friend now. We learned what each others needs are and are dilligent about meeting them.
> 
> ...


Do you ever wonder if your husband hadn't cheated if he would have stayed?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> She works and by the time we divorce she'll be at max pay for teaching, she has her Master's, just needs the years. She'll make ~100K/year. I'll owe standard child support for a time, and may pay some alimony, but it wouldn't be much due to her income, employment, and education levels. I'm not overly concerned about it. It's definitely not worth seeing my kids every other weekend and being a glorified babysitter while some other fella father's them.


Not that I am advocating for this but I am curious did you ever think of opening your marriage? I mean don't you want to have real love in your life? 

I really don't get why you put yourself through this. I guess also because my parent's divorced and I am fine and 50% of almost every kid in the country comes form divorce if you are American. Even if you don't divorce the person they marry probably will be so it's not like you are helping their marriage. What kind of example are you setting living in a loveless marriage? A lot of times people who grow up in marriage that are not effectionate carry that with them and that creates a problem in their relationships. They have no basis to understand that their wives need hugs and kisses for example. So you may be hurting their marriage and life.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I am gonna be honest and feel free to ignore me as I may be wrong. I had a different take when I read your first post but the more you add to it the more I think there is a whole lot more here. You see these posts one or twice a month from guys like you OP, and I always feel when I read them you honestly don't seem happy. Yes you say you are over it and your marriage is better then it ever was, but the truth is if that was the case why would you be posting on here still trying to deal with the fall out still 10 years later? It just seems like one long struggle to come to terms with the fact that the affair was a deal braker for you. Now maybe you will play out the clock and survive until one of you dies but is that really the life you want to live? Is that what you wanted from your marriage? Have you at least considered this?

Regardless if you survive or not something is not right and you need to admit it and work on it. Where you are now is not a good place even if you have convinced yourself it is or are in denial about it. 

Marriage and relationships shouldn't require gritting your teeth and baring it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> I'm in a similar boat wife cheated 16 years ago leading to a lengthy separation. But I don't give a ****, I'm here for the kids and I make no bones about it. The funny thing is once I stopped caring, and I stopped counting on my wife for my happiness, my wife and I get along much better, work as a team, no issues. * I've just abandoned her as a love interest,* she's a friend and partner, that's all. She is now my Plan B. *I'm not looking for another woman,* just another life where I don't have to deal with her betrayal weighing on me anymore, it's not worth it.
> Good luck.


Stricken by her bad choices.
Stricken by her, now choosing to not be, a virile man.

To be merely a provider of sustenance, of shelter.
A provider, offering a place for her and the children to wait out storms, without.
Outside your walled off place of residence and walled off mind.

While your house storms within, thus, this pain kept at bay by compartmentalization. 

And having no women to stroke, to love. To hold when the winds outside blow hard.
When winter blizzards cover the ground. 
But not you. You are already that. You are iced over.
Iced over and frozen in place. 

Such a cold place.

Such a cold choice....

Such a warm why?.... from me.


Just Sayin'
The Typist


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Marriage and relationships shouldn't require gritting your teeth and baring it.


Ah, yes...

The Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda trio, a hopeful, usually hopeless quandrum.

The longing for that elusive 'better' usually gets a shorter and lesser conclusion.

Marriage is a trade off..
Usually, one sided.
Those are the odds.

Worth betting on? Hell yes.

Men and women are addicted to each other.
Most people bond, attach indiscriminately, randomly. Or so it seems. Meetups are subject to chance.
This is not the case.....
We are 'played' game board pieces, in this, our own play.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Big10 said:


> I use to think this way in all reality that was true at that moment. I'm wealthy my wife has about 10k a month she can spend on what ever. I think all this hit her hard when you go from a man who can give you about anything you want, to a man who can't buy you lunch. She quickly realized it doesn't take me long and I have a lady's knocking on my door. I became a alpha male to her. I hate it's this way but woman love money and she realized quick I had no problems finding someone else. Also seems to be a turn on for them, if someone else is wanting you. I'm not going to lie it helps my ego.


Jesus! I don't think I could ever be happy if I thought like that, especially about my wife. I mean do you think she'd dump you if you had a run of bad luck and lost most of your money? 

My first now ex-wife cheated like yours but then I kind of lucked into my second wife who was also divorced after her husband gambled away most of their money. Even then she didn't divorce him until some of the "creditors" (read big guys) started knocking at her door and even visiting her kids at school. We live overseas so these things happen around here. It got to the point where he was gone hiding most of the time and she just felt it might be getting dangerous. 

In any case I started dating her just before my divorce was final. This is obviously not recommended from what I've read but in my case it worked. She is way stoic. So much so, my friends even tell me how great she his. As an example at one point we were on vacation trying to get to some event that was taking place at this ancient fort where my friends were waiting for me. The taxi driver got lost and ended up dropping us like 7 miles away. We ended up walking there on dirt roads though a bunch of fields, not quite knowing if we were going the right direction. Most of my previous gals would have been complaining and angry at me for letting it happen, yet my wife was dancing around picking up flowers the entire way. When we got there two of my buddies told me wow! your wife is easy going, my wife would have killed me. There have been other situations like this too where she says stuff like "Come on kids, the bus didn't come. Looks like we're walking. Let's go!". She has no problem walking miles with me even in snow and even as cars race by if we don't have the cash for a taxi. She's also in fantastic shape for it .... in any case, I'm not poor or anything but I don't have a lot of money and I really get the feeling she would stick by me if something happened. Just after my divorce I kind of felt like you do about women loving money, but now I feel that there are some exceptions out there.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> I have 3 kids, I already had 1 when she had the affair long ago. That bound me to her for at least 17 years or so. I've had 2 other children in between because I wasn't always at the point I am at now. Back then I thought I could simply sweep it under the rug and move on, and convinced myself that a cheating wife could be redeemed, but I've come to the conclusion that she cannot, and the damage done can't be repaired or moved past, not fully. But that rug-sweeping led to emotional and mental health issues like depression, low self-esteem, and anxiety.
> 
> She knows the marriage isn't great and I've withdrawn my affection significantly. I've always been very affectionate and complimentary, sweet to her, that's stopped because I'm not a sociopath who could fake that for years.
> 
> Since I'm the one who would be kicked out of the house, forced to pay her half my salary, and not see my kids when she's the one who ruined the marriage and irrevocably broke it, I don't feel I owe her anything. I'm simply living my life, if she doesn't like it she's free to file for divorce at any time.


I think I would find the most dad friendly state and move there for the divorce.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Not that I am advocating for this but I am curious did you ever think of opening your marriage? I mean don't you want to have real love in your life?


Honestly no, I feel the healthiest I've ever been mentally, physically. I'm generally happy now focusing on myself. Maybe someday I'll feel a pull towards sharing my life with a woman, but right now I'm pretty content to be honest.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

*marriageontherocks2*: "Your wife felt she settled for you, she found a guy she thought was better, that man became her Plan A, you became Plan B. Once that happened, Plan B never becomes Plan A. Just because this guy didn't work out (she found out he liked prostitutes, but if he had been a successful man into only her, more than likely you wife would've left you). Your wife found you unsatisfactory for her, and she needed a better man. That hasn't changed. You're plan B, and eventually she'll seek out her Plan A again."

I know you are speaking from your experience. However, your experience in not necessarily the same as everyone else's. OP's experience may be as you see it, maybe not. His wife may have seen him that way, maybe not. You are bitter and deservedly so, however, people change sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better. OP's wife seems very remorseful, then again, maybe she's a world class actress. Your "scientific" theory may be correct, but I wouldn't build my life on it. I believe more in Ronald Reagan's "Trust but verify". OP should realize that many of us on the site have unhealed wounds that color our advice. Christ, who admittedly wasn't into the "Wild Monkey Sex" theories, said "Go and sin no more." If she sins again, well, that's for another story. Op is asking for help on triggers, not necessarily looking reasons why he never should have reconciled.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

skerzoid said:


> I know you are speaking from your experience. However, your experience in not necessarily the same as everyone else's. OP's experience may be as you see it, maybe not. His wife may have seen him that way, maybe not. You are bitter and deservedly so, however, people change sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better. .


The only help for triggers is to not reconcile.

I'm not bitter at all, honestly, not even a little bit. I'm just having a discussion.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Big10 said:


> Never happened that way, hers was more of a emotional affair. Remembering back with our counseling that's how a male sees a affair. For her it was attention she was getting and his stupid lying. I blame it on both of our innocents, in marriages you go through slumps. Neither of us realized people are out there ready to pounce, I lost a lot of faith in humanity during that time.


You are doing what a lot of men do and put most or all of the blame on the OM and not the wife. Its 50/50. In fact the married person is actually acting worse, assuming that he wasn't married either. 
I suppose that makes you and the other men feel better, and feel more able to stay in the marriage, but its not the truth.

Yes things in the present will always being back memories of horrible things in the past.


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

Nights like tonight make it so hard to leave and give up. We had a wonderful day together, great dinner, we talked about things in our life, plans for our future , held each other for a hour, had sex and she fell asleep in my arms. What can be so bad about this. At this moment all the bad just disappears and I see the loving person I married, tomorrow I will wake up remembering all the negative history of our past.


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

Over the summer we took a road trip down the east coast. It was probably the most amazing time I had ever had in my life. We went through every state made so many great memories. This fall we traveled the entire blue ridge parkway. Times are the best they have been in our entire marriage but I'm still haunted by small voice in my brain. A couple days ago when I was triggered, came home and started my downward spiral she said I wish I could take it all back change history so that day never came. But I told her you where enjoying the moment my heart and life was crumbling before me. At that moment in time he was your missed soul mate, the love you had always dreamed of. At that moment in time I was a nuisance holding you from having your one true love.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Big10 said:


> At that moment in time he was your missed soul mate, the love you had always dreamed of. At that moment in time I was a nuisance holding you from having your one true love.


First of all that wouldn't be my take. Don't romanticize her tawdry affair with some looser. I understand wondering if you settled, she definitely didn't. Remember every time a betrayed spouse takes back a cheater they are the ones who settle for plan B, because no one would marry a person if they knew they were going to cheat on them. Besides that you need to remember you could have great memories and trips with someone else. 

But since it sounds like you want to stay together have you looked into EMDR? Maybe you should. What has she done to come up with her reasons why? You said in your other thread that you have to dominate her because that is what she likes. You also made it seem like you are staying because you think YOU are broken and could never have a healthy relationship. You need to fix this, again look into some serious counseling.

Do all that first and then if it doesn't work then maybe it's just a deal breaker for you, if you do all that you will at least have the strength to move on.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> The only help for triggers is to not reconcile.
> 
> I'm not bitter at all, honestly, not even a little bit. I'm just having a discussion.


Of course there are triggers, but for those who recover their marriages the triggers diminish over time. Sure, they come back once in awhile but they don't have to define the marriage. If you can't forgive then why try. But Big has forgiven his wife and they have made it work. They have recovered. Your marriage hasn't. In fact you are just roommates. But that isn't the case for Big and his wife. What works for him may not work for you.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

If it wasn't for your other thread I might suggest a few things to try to get over your triggers, but there you kind of made it sound like a master (you) slave (her) sort of relationship. That wouldn't work for me but maybe it's OK with you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Big10 said:


> Nights like tonight make it so hard to leave and give up. We had a wonderful day together, great dinner, we talked about things in our life, plans for our future , held each other for a hour, had sex and she fell asleep in my arms. What can be so bad about this. At this moment all the bad just disappears and I see the loving person I married, tomorrow I will wake up remembering all the negative history of our past.


Yes, and that's why adultery is so very serious, because the marriage covenant gets broken.
The marriage will never be the same again, but many do stay and make a go of it as you have.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

Big10 said:


> Also our relationship is much like it was when we first got together. Our sex life is awesome after the the affair. It sounds almost sick to say that. I will admit I was not a great lover before the affair, more dedicated to my company I had created and was not meeting her emotionally needs. I was never a romantic person. The affair made me work harder to be a better husband. She works harder to be a better wife. I could not imagine life with out her. She will send me text randomly about how thankful she is I didn't divorce her. Visits me a work daily for lunch. Our relationship is a much more mature relationship than we had before. When she know I'm triggered she tries to make things better. Yesterday I was very upset and yelled at her why. Why would you do this make me feel like this. She know for me it's about the sex that bothers me. I struggled with knowing someone else had sex with her. She reminds me it was never about the sex. It was emotional for her and when it turned sexual it made her feel nasty. During MC she told us She would take long showers after their sex trying wash the feeling away because it turned sexual and she never wanted it to go that far.


This is our end result as well. We are both trying to be better partners to each other. We are behaving like adults when there are disagreements instead of arguing. I'd say most times we try to accept each others flaws with humour instead of resentment. That has been a big destresser. The sex life became like when we were dating- and I agree it feels kind of sick to say that. I think it has to do with realizing someone else's desire for your mate and the fact that you could lose them makes you want to try harder. H was singing that song in the car "i could treat you better than he can...a girl like you deserves a gentleman.....you should be with me instead..." I thought he might have been triggering -thinking thats what OM may have been thinking- until he put his hand on my leg and smiled at me. I realized he was telling me thats how HE thinks. He really melts my heart.

I did not have PIV with OM but the stuff I did with him was still sexual in nature. Thats what bothers H too. It was never even remotely about sex for me either. It was emotional needs being met. When it turned physical (past kissing ) it felt dirty to me afterwards as well. Still I compartmentalized and selfishly continued ..If it helps (and I suspect your wife is very similar to me) I have zero feelings for OM, certainly no sexual feelings or fond rememberings.....It was a disgusting immoral thing that I did a very long time ago. Interesting fact to note is that like your wife's parents- my parents had multiple affairs. I think it normalizes it somewhat- you feel like its not IF there will be affairs devastating your marriage but WHEN. 

As horrible as triggering is you put up with it because the relationship rewards are worth it. They are worth it because you have chosen to deepen your love for each other and to make it work. To love is a choice. To forgive is a choice. To forget......? I dont think that ever happens but the memories fade and become less significant as you replace them with new ones.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Do you ever wonder if your husband hadn't cheated if he would have stayed?


 @sokillme- yes I do wonder. I think if he had found out about my A when it was happening (25 years ago) he would have left me then. He pretty much said that would have been the case and because I didnt tell him back then I took away that choice for him. That caused a lot of resentment, that and the fact that withholding the truth from him all those years felt like it was an ongoing betrayal.

He admitted 2 years ago that he had sex with someone while we were dating (30 something years ago)- I think it may have even been while we were engaged. If I had found out at that time I would have 100% left him. I would not have thought twice about it. There would have been no complications. It would have been an easy emotional break on my part. I was young, pretty, great job, and had the rest of my life ahead of me to be with someone who valued me more. I do not know for sure whether he cheated recently with his coworker. I dont think he will ever disclose. I get that. I dont like it but I understand the fear. Deny at all costs.

Neither of us knew what the other did earlier on in the marriage. We robbed each other of the opportunities to make different new choices and move on with our lives. We were not very connected. We went through the motions of expected adult relationships- finish school, get a job, get a house, get married, have kids, raise them, entertain other adults and kids. These were busy times. We didnt really get to know each other in an intimate way. We ignored each others needs. We were living for the kids. We co-parented very well. We were doing what society expected of us.

Who knows what life would have been like had either of us found out about the others transgressions earlier. You cant change the past. We have put the effort into making this relationship work. We have gotten to know each other at a deeper more vulnerable level. The love we feel for each other now is richer than any love I've felt before. Neither of us would choose anything different now....and really now is all we have.

The kids are grown and dont need us as much, we are financially secure- We get up and think about what we can do to make the other person happy that day. Life is good. 

Sorry for the thread jack- as an aside @sokill me - I have increased my medication to its maximum dosage. I dont have the anxiety tied to the obsession any more so compulsions are greatly reduced but neither are gone. Its been 4 months. The OCD has become a watered down version of itself but its still there..I dont think anything is going on- but im still stuck in the loop sometimes. I'm walking the loop instead of running it - so thats an improvement. I can distract myself to interrupt it as well. I guess thats all good.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Rick Blaine said:


> Of course there are triggers, but for those who recover their marriages the triggers diminish over time. Sure, they come back once in awhile but they don't have to define the marriage. If you can't forgive then why try.* But Big has forgiven his wife and they have made it work. They have recovered*. Your marriage hasn't. In fact you are just roommates. But that isn't the case for Big and his wife. What works for him may not work for you.


The fact that he's still triggering 10 years later leads me to believe they are not recovered at all.



> At this moment all the bad just disappears and I see the loving person I married, tomorrow I will wake up remembering all the negative history of our past.


This doesn't sound like someone who has recovered and moved on from her affair. This sounds like me 6 years ago. I'm just now accepting the fact that I have 2 choices. The first is to live in a marriage as my wife's 2nd option, deal with consistent triggering and spiraling into depressions, or accept that the marriage isn't reconcilable and start disconnecting emotionally.

My advice stands, the only way to stop the triggering, is to remove the person from your life causing them. It's like if you had a father who beat you growing up. Now he's an older man and seems sorry for his behavior, but every time in his presence you feel vulnerable, anxious, and nervous. Is it worth carrying on a close relationship with dad? Or is it better to keep him at arms distance for your own mental health?


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> The fact that he's still triggering 10 years later leads me to believe they are not recovered at all.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I have tried to use money to buy my happiness. I've purchase multiple homes trying to run from the triggers. We built our dream home in the mountains, my wife told me last year as we where moving in. How great our life was and we could start a new life together. At times I feel like I keep trapping myself deeper so we can't separate. The nightmare of dividing all this up makes me sick.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

And all this time if you had the strength to stand up for yourself, you could have been building this all of this for yourself and someone that truly loved you. 

Instead you keep going down the road of “hell it might get better”.

This is on you now not your wife. You made the choice to stay with a cheater. 

Best of luck with that shetsandwich that keeps coming around.


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

ABHale said:


> And all this time if you had the strength to stand up for yourself, you could have been building this all of this for yourself and someone that truly loved you.
> 
> Instead you keep going down the road of “hell it might get better”.
> 
> ...



I wouldn't say she doesn't truly love me now.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ABHale said:


> And all this time if you had the strength to stand up for yourself, you could have been building this all of this for yourself and someone that truly loved you.
> 
> Instead you keep going down the road of “hell it might get better”.
> 
> ...


Come on man, how does this help? I am all for speaking the truth but there is nothing constructive here for him to work with.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Big10 said:


> I have tried to use money to buy my happiness. I've purchase multiple homes trying to run from the triggers. We built our dream home in the mountains, my wife told me last year as we where moving in. How great our life was and we could start a new life together. At times I feel like I keep trapping myself deeper so we can't separate. The nightmare of dividing all this up makes me sick.


How old are you? Is the money and things more important then you peace of mind? Sounds like you have a lot of things, would losing some of those be worth it to be at peace? Some people for instance divorce and make there spouse compete, at least in that way they don't feel stuck in their circumstances. 

Do you have kids?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Come on man, how does this help? I am all for speaking the truth but there is nothing constructive here for him to work with.


It helps if Big10 sees this as the truth or not. 

If not he can pass over it. 

If it is a then he can take steps to correct it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Big10 said:


> I wouldn't say she doesn't truly love me now.


This is good to hear and know. 

Then the problems are with you. You need to take steps to correct these feelings and thoughts you have been having. It with end up destroying the relationship in the end if you don’t. 

You alone know the thoughts going through you mind. Will you be able to quite them and put them to rest?

If not, you will make your marriage miserable in the end.


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## BadGrammar (Oct 29, 2017)

She said it was more about her emotions than the sex? Well, does anyone else here consider sex as a physical display of emotion/desire? In my experience there is no separating the two... especially if it happens more than once. I’m sorry my friend, but I have to agree with some of the other posters. In your shoes, I would have serious doubts about her commitment to YOU outside the material comforts your marriage provides.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Big10 said:


> I have tried to use money to buy my happiness. I've purchase multiple homes trying to run from the triggers. We built our dream home in the mountains, my wife told me last year as we where moving in. How great our life was and we could start a new life together. At times I feel like I keep trapping myself deeper so we can't separate. The nightmare of dividing all this up makes me sick.


I think somehow this message board is allowing me to talk to myself 6 years ago. This freakishly similar to me. I worked hard, I have 2 homes, make a lot of money, have owned a ton of material possessions and it means nothing. All I had was deep debt and anxiety from it.

About 3 years ago I started downsizing and simplifying. I had a large automatic watch collection, some worth thousands. I sold the whole thing, traded in the nice car for a used Civic, sold, gifted, or donated so much clothes, shoes, etc... So now I have 8 work shirts, a few pairs of khakis/work pants, 2 work shoes, trainers, and boots. 1 winter coat. I sold all my stupid professional skis, and boots, and crap, kept one cheap pair to ski with my kids. Why did I need $5,000 in professional ski gear? LOL I'm 40 and not racing anyone. Such an idiot...

It was all in an effort to mask my dissatisfaction with my life with things. Well if the wife and I buy this home in this area we can "start over" and I'll be happy. But you can't start over, it doesn't work like that. It breeds more debt, more stress, more anxiety, and more misery.

My wife has never just up and said "thank you for not divorcing me" or really made any overture to change in the marriage, she's still nasty, doesn't communicate, etc... So my situation is different than yours. If we had a really good marriage it may be worth a lifetime of triggering and bouts of depression. But considering she's kind of a ****ty wife in every other facet, combined with the triggering about the affair, I'm done...


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> My wife has never just up and said "thank you for not divorcing me" or really made any overture to change in the marriage, she's still nasty, doesn't communicate, etc... So my situation is different than yours. If we had a really good marriage it may be worth a lifetime of triggering and bouts of depression. But considering she's kind of a ****ty wife in every other facet, combined with the triggering about the affair, I'm done...


This is where my wife is different. She has apologized to me, written me letters, attempted to make it better and answered every question I have ask her. I'm not miserable with our current relationship. We are not sexless, she makes me feel desired. I just get triggered at times and want to start this crap up with telling her "see I told you so he was a stupid choice"


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## BadGrammar (Oct 29, 2017)

I don't want to be one to pick at scabs... but you were 10 years into your marriage when she had the A. What was going on in the first ten years? Had you already acquired your wealth? How long was her A?


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

BadGrammar said:


> I don't want to be one to pick at scabs... but you were 10 years into your marriage when she had the A. What was going on in the first ten years? Had you already acquired your wealth? How long was her A?


I had acquired the wealth before we married. I do agree with her I was more married to my job than her.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Big 10, do you feel that it is possible for someone to make a huge mistake in their life, learn from the mistake, then better themself? It seems to me that your wife is doing all that she can to atone for her mistake. You love your wife and obviously you make a great couple. You have good times together and she continues to do all she can to make up for what she did.

My advice is to work toward forgiveness. Stop beating yourself up for something that should never have happened. Your wife made a horrible mistake, but it appears she loves you and wants to help you heal from it. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

TX-SC said:


> Big 10, do you feel that it is possible for someone to make a huge mistake in their life, learn from the mistake, then better themself? It seems to me that your wife is doing all that she can to atone for her mistake. You love your wife and obviously you make a great couple. You have good times together and she continues to do all she can to make up for what she did.
> 
> My advice is to work toward forgiveness. Stop beating yourself up for something that should never have happened. Your wife made a, horrible mistake, but it appears she loves you and wants help you heal from it.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


Between posting on here and talking with her I feel a lot better. What I do like about I relationship I don't have to hold nothing back. When I get triggered I let her know what I think and we are able to work through it. im not sure why I continue to beat my self up over it. Luckily these triggers are getting less and less. When I do trigger it last about a week, I vent and it's over.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Big10 said:


> Between posting on here and talking with her I feel a lot better. What I do like about I relationship I don't have to hold nothing back. When I get triggered I let her know what I think and we are able to work through it. im not sure why I continue to beat my self up over it. Luckily these triggers are getting less and less. When I do trigger it last about a week, I vent and it's over.


At some point you're going to have to leave it behind. It's not fair to her to keep venting 10 years later and making her relive it, especially if it's forcing her to go back and again atone for being a cheat, ****, *****, etc... She can only do so much, the triggering is not her fault at this point and outside her control. It's good she wants to make amends, but if you've gotten your pound of flesh let it go. Triggering is a fact of life when you reconcile with a cheating wife, it will never ever be gone. So if you do choose to forgive her and move forward completely, you're going to have to deal with the triggering solo.

You should find a good therapist. again you sound like me 6 years ago. I would vent, trigger, and then have normalcy for a few months, wash rinse repeat. This formula isn't sustainable though, your mental health will deteriorate and it will get worse.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> At some point you're going to have to leave it behind. It's not fair to her to keep venting 10 years later and making her relive it, especially if it's forcing her to go back and again atone for being a cheat, ****, *****, etc... She can only do so much, the triggering is not her fault at this point and outside her control. It's good she wants to make amends, but if you've gotten your pound of flesh let it go. Triggering is a fact of life when you reconcile with a cheating wife, it will never ever be gone. So if you do choose to forgive her and move forward completely, you're going to have to deal with the triggering solo.
> 
> You should find a good therapist. again you sound like me 6 years ago. I would vent, trigger, and then have normalcy for a few months, wash rinse repeat. This formula isn't sustainable though, your mental health will deteriorate and it will get worse.


Didn't you post in the beginning of this thread that you were detached from you wife? Is that how you left it behind?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Big10 said:


> Between posting on here and talking with her I feel a lot better. What I do like about I relationship I don't have to hold nothing back. When I get triggered I let her know what I think and we are able to work through it. im not sure why I continue to beat my self up over it. Luckily these triggers are getting less and less. When I do trigger it last about a week, I vent and it's over.


What about your other post, about dominating her?


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## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

This is also my question. IF I go through all the counseling, all the heart wrenching and gut wrenching work to put my relationship back together (19 yr relationship/3 years regular prostitute use/D Day 6/15/17) - what do I get at the end of it all? The booby prize? I really don't know what I can expect if I go through all of this. Does ANYONE have a story to tell me that doesn't involve endless heartache, distrust and disrespect?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

DoneIn said:


> This is also my question. IF I go through all the counseling, all the heart wrenching and gut wrenching work to put my relationship back together (19 yr relationship/3 years regular prostitute use/D Day 6/15/17) - what do I get at the end of it all? The booby prize? I really don't know what I can expect if I go through all of this. Does ANYONE have a story to tell me that doesn't involve endless heartache, distrust and disrespect?


Why do you want to? Why really? 

Personally I always feel if you want a good idea what reconciliation looks like red SI's reconciliation board. There is definitely suppression to leave out the worst stories, but then most people who are successful are not posting there as well. So overall I think you get a good sense of what you are in for. Some people still feel like you years later. I have read posts from 10, 15 even 20 years out where they are still struggling like it just happened and wish they has just moved on or could move on. And there are people who swear their marriage is better then ever. I think it has more to do with the type of person you are, assuming you WS does everything right.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Didn't you post in the beginning of this thread that you were detached from you wife? Is that how you left it behind?


Yeah I don't trigger at all, in fact she could come home tomorrow and tell me she has a boyfriend and is leaving me and the only thing I would care about is my timeline got screwed up and financially I'm not quite ready, and my kids are still too young. But emotionally detaching was an conscious effort. I'm like the chick in this marriage, I wanted counseling, I read 5 love languages. Wife just wanted to forgive and forget. She's now like the oblivious man and I'm the walk away wife lol...

Once I decided I just couldn't live with the ups and downs of triggering, venting, becoming upset, then getting even keel it's either divorce or emotionally detach without divorcing. I did the latter because of kids, therapy helped a lot in a short time, shocked with the clarity I got once I filtered the noise out. It's not even her fault at this point. There's just nothing to be done about it.

I'll never be mentally whole and healthy in a marriage with a disloyal wife. It's just not in me, I've been forcing a square peg in a round hole for years, but it's never going to work out. I can't forget it. I can forgive it, but I can't forget it and move on in the marriage like everything's OK. I've been fooling myself for over 15 years thinking I can just will it away. But I need a loyal woman or no woman at all period. Being Plan B to a cheater is mental torture, and I'm moving on from that.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> The only help for triggers is to not reconcile.
> 
> I'm not bitter at all, honestly, not even a little bit. I'm just having a discussion.


This isn't exactly right, either.

Trust issues linger with new partners as well.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> Yeah I don't trigger at all, in fact she could come home tomorrow and tell me she has a boyfriend and is leaving me and the only thing I would care about is my timeline got screwed up and financially I'm not quite ready, and my kids are still too young. But emotionally detaching was an conscious effort. I'm like the chick in this marriage, I wanted counseling, I read 5 love languages. Wife just wanted to forgive and forget. She's now like the oblivious man and I'm the walk away wife lol...
> 
> Once I decided I just couldn't live with the ups and downs of triggering, venting, becoming upset, then getting even keel it's either divorce or emotionally detach without divorcing. I did the latter because of kids, therapy helped a lot in a short time, shocked with the clarity I got once I filtered the noise out. It's not even her fault at this point. There's just nothing to be done about it.
> 
> I'll never be mentally whole and healthy in a marriage with a disloyal wife. It's just not in me, I've been forcing a square peg in a round hole for years, but it's never going to work out. I can't forget it. I can forgive it, but I can't forget it and move on in the marriage like everything's OK. I've been fooling myself for over 15 years thinking I can just will it away. But I need a loyal woman or no woman at all period. Being Plan B to a cheater is mental torture, and I'm moving on from that.


This is always why I ask the BS to make a decision based on quality of life, not if your WS is remorseful or now. Not even if they have become the perfect spouse. You are not alone in your thinking. I think a lot of people feel that way, yet stay married. Or waste lots of time trying. OP this is what you need to figure out and decide.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> This isn't exactly right, either.
> 
> Trust issues linger with new partners as well.


They really didn't in my case. Yes I am not as trusting as I would have been, but in the sense that I know it could happen again. I am the type of person that believe people show you who they are by their actions. I also believe everyone deserves a square shot and to assume the best unless they show you the worst. I trust my wife, besides I know I would be alright if she did cheat so that helps. 

When it happened to me I took action and didn't get stuck in limbo (granted it would have been harder if I was married, but I am sure I would have made the same choice). I didn't have the persistent feeling like I lost my agency. I really think this is one of the major problems that guys like OP have. The feeling like they lost control of their lives and they are stuck in a situation that they would have never chosen. More then anything I was able to have peace of mind again once I moved on. Once I got over the grief I had hope again. I don't think I would ever have that with the women who cheated on me. Once I started dating again I had a little bit of nerves. However watching and judging her actions eventually I married my wife. I was much more careful to pay attention to see if she was moral about small things that had nothing to do with me. Did she do the right thing when it was less convenient and no one would know the difference. I probably wouldn't have paid attention before. 

I also do not subscribe to the idea that everyone is capable of cheating. Maybe a drunken one night stand, if you are really drunk, I guess, but not the kind of constant lying and double life kind of cheating. Not everyone is capable of that. So in my mind if you are, you really are not a safe bet. Besides all that I would just lose so much respect for my wife if she did that, I just wouldn't want to be married to someone like that. For those reasons I would not be a good person to R with.


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

After the sex we had over the past week I may just tell her I'm triggered at least once a week lol!!!!


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

Big10 said:


> After the sex we had over the past week I may just tell her I'm triggered at least once a week lol!!!!


You shouldn't have to. You are obviously still struggling with it and rightfully so. She should be continuing to meet your needs. As you should try to meet hers.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

I see post like this and I'm glad I'm not in the situation. I am pro-reconciliation but you almost never see a poster regret getting a divorce from a WS. I have seen a lot of post from BS that live in pain, doubt, occasional triggers, and regret. Even if it something you only think about 1 time a year.

I am so glad I am no longer with my ex when I see post like this. 

B10 is a better man than I ever will. I would have had a complete melt down in that situation.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

sokillme said:


> I also do not subscribe to the idea that everyone is capable of cheating..


Is not just cheating, but statistically speaking anyone is capable of making wrong choices, doing stupid things and being a POS over the course of their life at least once, there are things worse than cheating and a myriad of other types of betrayals, even by one's own kids. Is just the world we live in. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

CantBelieveThis said:


> Is not just cheating, but statistically speaking anyone is capable of making wrong choices, doing stupid things and being a POS over the course of their life at least once, there are things worse than cheating and a myriad of other types of betrayals, even by one's own kids. Is just the world we live in.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


Yeah like murder, rape, assault.


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

Why does it seem to bother so many of you that my wife and I are currently happy. Yes I trigger a few times a year triggers are short lived. We did 4 years of mc and I talk to a PC 3 times a year currently after 3 years of weekly PC. We have a very loving relationship, spend all the time together we can and have sex a couple times a week. My wife has did everything I have ask of her to show me she loves only me and is remorseful for her actions. What else should I expect.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Big10 said:


> Why does it seem to bother so many of you that my wife and I are currently happy. Yes I trigger a few times a year triggers are short lived. We did 4 years of mc and I talk to a PC 3 times a year currently after 3 years of weekly PC. We have a very loving relationship, spend all the time together we can and have sex a couple times a week. My wife has did everything I have ask of her to show me she loves only me and is remorseful for her actions. What else should I expect.


I don’t think it really bothers people that the two of you are happy. This is great to be honest with you. 

The thing that I see is you are still having problems with it every now and then. 

You said it yourself that it seems you keep doing things to keep yourself from being able to leave. 

You are the one that is not always happy that you stayed. There is nothing that your wife can do to make up for what she had done. No matter how long she tries. 

Best of luck with the triggers. They will always be there.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Big10 said:


> Why does it seem to bother so many of you that my wife and I are currently happy. Yes I trigger a few times a year triggers are short lived. We did 4 years of mc and I talk to a PC 3 times a year currently after 3 years of weekly PC. We have a very loving relationship, spend all the time together we can and have sex a couple times a week. My wife has did everything I have ask of her to show me she loves only me and is remorseful for her actions. What else should I expect.


You posted this we didn't. In one of these threads you don't seem to be being honest, maybe not even with yourself.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Big10,

Did you get a polygraph for your WW or have her write out a timeline?

I think what the OM had that you don't is that your WW was his superior in almost everything.

Tamat


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

I have a timeline, I'm pretty sure I know everything. When everything was exposed she answered everything I ask. I made my wife tell his wife. He was so pissed at us for telling his wife. He kept yelling at my wife why would you give him every detail. My wife told him I was her husband if we where going to heal from this she had to be open to me. He was a serial cheater my wife exspoded to his wife how he operated, which made him so pissed. I'm assuming he was taking several woman to the same locations. I hired a PI he had about a dozen different women and men he was screwing. Yes men, Yes we got a std test afterwards we where clean. Since my wife exposing his secret life to his wife he has spiraled out of control. Sometimes I think my wife was taken advantage, I know for a fact more than one occasion he gave my wife wine and a Valium. But she drunk the wine and took the pill on her own free will. I still think that's boarder line illegal. Every time they had sex she had taken a Valium. He was so pissed because my wife told this. He admitted giving her them but said he didn't force her to take them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sokillme said:


> You posted this we didn't. In one of these threads you don't seem to be being honest, maybe not even with yourself.


#

Hmmm that does NOT sound like a happy marriage in any way. :frown2:


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Big10 said:


> I have a timeline, I'm pretty sure I know everything. When everything was exposed she answered everything I ask. I made my wife tell his wife. He was so pissed at us for telling his wife. He kept yelling at my wife why would you give him every detail. My wife told him I was her husband if we where going to heal from this she had to be open to me. He was a serial cheater my wife exspoded to his wife how he operated, which made him so pissed. I'm assuming he was taking several woman to the same locations. I hired a PI he had about a dozen different women and men he was screwing. Yes men, Yes we got a std test afterwards we where clean. Since my wife exposing his secret life to his wife he has spiraled out of control. Sometimes I think my wife was taken advantage, I know for a fact more than one occasion he gave my wife wine and a Valium. But she drunk the wine and took the pill on her own free will. I still think that's boarder line illegal. Every time they had sex she had taken a Valium. He was so pissed because my wife told this. He admitted giving her them but said he didn't force her to take them.


Why was she with a man who wasn't her husband taking pills at all. Nah he didn't take advantage. 

You are ignoring your other post that I referenced. Which post is the true way you feel, a few posts ago or the other thread?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Big10 said:


> I have a timeline, I'm pretty sure I know everything. When everything was exposed she answered everything I ask. I made my wife tell his wife. He was so pissed at us for telling his wife. He kept yelling at my wife why would you give him every detail. My wife told him I was her husband if we where going to heal from this she had to be open to me. He was a serial cheater my wife exspoded to his wife how he operated, which made him so pissed. I'm assuming he was taking several woman to the same locations. I hired a PI he had about a dozen different women and men he was screwing. Yes men, Yes we got a std test afterwards we where clean. Since my wife exposing his secret life to his wife he has spiraled out of control. Sometimes I think my wife was taken advantage, I know for a fact more than one occasion he gave my wife wine and a Valium. But she drunk the wine and took the pill on her own free will. I still think that's boarder line illegal. Every time they had sex she had taken a Valium. He was so pissed because my wife told this. He admitted giving her them but said he didn't force her to take them.


Most cheated on men seem to think/hope that it was a case of their wives being 'taken advantage of'. Its rarely the case. She is a grown woman who made her own choices to act the way she did. You claim that he 'gave your wife wine and Valium', that's what she said. The truth is that she drank wine and took valium. I am sure that he didn't force them down her throat.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Big10 said:


> My wife and I have been married 20 years we are in our late 30s. Short story she had a affair with a coworker 10 years ago. Shortly after the affair started she admitted to me what happen. *Basically the guy was alot older than us, not good in bed, drug addicted, bi-polar and my wife figured him out after he was caught in the parking lot at work with a prostitute. Then there is me successful wealth and not bad looking.He swept my wife off her feet by telling her how much better she was than his wife and how lame I was.* We were both young and dumb. Since then we have had years of counseling and the best life I could imagine basically we are inseparable now. I had not even thought of the affair in quite some time, I went to get my truck serviced and noticed the idiot was the Serviceman. He did not recognize me at first, so I left him a stupid note about what a real loser he is and how great our life is since he showed my wife what believing a idiot leads to. I get home,tell my wife first thing who I saw and how close she came to screwing up her life. Then she starts sending me text about how fortunate she was to keep me and sorry she is about what she had done. That night she initiated some really good sex. After the sex I felt relieved and relaxed about the situation. Is all this normal after 10 years of a affair. Will a I have a break down if triggered like this in the future. It kinda opened up a can of worms I thought was long gone.


So your wife dumped him when he cheated on her with a prostitute? And she took his word for it that you were lame?

Ok.


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