# Uncaring husband



## Raven49 (May 13, 2020)

I don't believe my husband cares for me anymore. He forgot mother's day even though I reminded him the day before , he doesn't buy me birthday gifts or Christmas or even anniversary gifts. If I say no to sex I'm "grumpy" . Then I was talking to him about a ring I got & that I'd have to wear it on my ring finger because it doesn't fit any other fingers & he says " well you don't believe in your marriage vows anyway" & when I asked why he said that he replied that I can't believe in them since I lost my wedding ring. Which it was lost 10 years ago and he still holds it against me , & I think there's a possibility it was stolen by his brother because his brother had stolen it before & I only got it back because I confronted him. When it disappeared the next time I didn't think it might've been stolen at first because I didn't think someone would do that after being caught the first time, but now I do think it may have been stolen. Anyway , it being lost (or stolen) wasn't intentional , it's not like I threw it in the trash or something. And I know if I try to talk to him about what he said and how it's unfair to assume I don't believe in my vows , he'll just blame his action on being bipolar. That's his go to thing , he'll say " well you can't fix crazy" , & doesn't seem to get that you can control your actions even with bipolar , you can't just keep using it as an excuse. There's also the fact that he keeps trying to do a certain thing in the bedroom (intimate time) that he knows I don't like, & I've told him I don't want him doing that quite alot . I was working on getting my driver's license so I can leave the house ,but that is taking longer because of this Corona stuff. 
We've tried counseling but it doesn't work & I'm pretty sure it doesn't work because he doesn't believe in counseling. I'm really fed up with him treating me like I don't matter & always saying I'm grumpy when I'm not. I've bought up divorce before and then he'll say he's not going to drive me where I need to go & I don't have anyone else near enough to drive me , it's just weird that he doesn't seem to realize that I could do the same thing and not do the dozens of things I do for him . Anyway . That is the hell I'm living in .


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I'm sorry you're going through this. This is a place where there is a lot of support and helpful responses and posts. 

Your husband appears to be acting like an ass. This is the beginning of you feeling better and exploring options.

The journey may be difficult as you work some things through no matter what the ending is but hang in there.

Try and do a couple things for the moment that focus on you. 

This can get better, it will.


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## Raven49 (May 13, 2020)

I'll be honest of he really feels that I don't believe in my marriage vows just because my ring was lost ,then I'm really not sure I want to be with someone who thinks so little of me. I forgot to add that I was doing group therapy to try to understand bipolar disorder better , and every time I went he'd give me a hard time & say things like "whatever it is your really going to do" , or "when do I get to go do something" . Oh yeah that's another thing that's an issue , he uses me going places against me ,and won't go do stuff for himself then us s that to make himself seem better than me


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Rather than trying to understand his bipolar disorder, how about you start trying to figure out why you're staying with this man. As far as "you can't fix crazy" goes, that's true if he doesn't take medication for his disorder. He owns that. However, whether he's bipolar or not, he sounds like a jerk. So wearing a wedding ring is his idea of keeping your marriage vows? Then how come he hasn't replaced the ring? Or, why haven't you just replaced it yourself?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Perhaps one can best determine Hs intention from his actions. Or lack of actions or lack of trying to be better for you and the family. 

If he's making an effort that's one thing but if he's making no efforts to be a better partner in the M, that's completely another.

I'm hearing he's making no efforts to be a positive attitude partner and he's belittling your efforts to try and do your part in understanding the situation. 

Those are two big negative strikes. It may take an awakening of sorts for him to be appreciative of you.

The whole ring thing is a strong negative indicator.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Raven49 said:


> I'll be honest of he really feels that I don't believe in my marriage vows just because my ring was lost ,then I'm really not sure I want to be with someone who thinks so little of me. I forgot to add that I was doing group therapy to try to understand bipolar disorder better , and every time I went he'd give me a hard time & say things like "whatever it is your really going to do" , or "when do I get to go do something" . Oh yeah that's another thing that's an issue , he uses me going places against me ,and won't go do stuff for himself then us s that to make himself seem better than me


ok, so you’re very unhappy in the marriage. I get that.

so why not divorce him?


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## Raven49 (May 13, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> ok, so you’re very unhappy in the marriage. I get that.
> 
> so why not divorce him?


Right now it's mostly because I don't have a driver's license , can't afford to Uber & don't have anyone near enough to help me out until I do have a license. There's also the fact that I'm intimidated by him and when this happens I back off and drop whatever I'm trying to tell him . I'm stuck until I can get my license. I'd go to a shelter but my kids are disabled and I can't risk putting them in a shelter environment . If any of us catch covid we're at a higher risk of it being deadly. 
I just need to talk about it with people right now


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

And that's ok. Remember every small step in the right direction is progress for you.


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## Raven49 (May 13, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Rather than trying to understand his bipolar disorder, how about you start trying to figure out why you're staying with this man. As far as "you can't fix crazy" goes, that's true if he doesn't take medication for his disorder. He owns that. However, whether he's bipolar or not, he sounds like a jerk. So wearing a wedding ring is his idea of keeping your marriage vows? Then how come he hasn't replaced the ring? Or, why haven't you just replaced it yourself?


He takes medication . I think the fact that he's been drinking alcohol is messing with his meds , which isn't a good enough excuse. He shouldn't treat me like this when I go out of my way to be kind & helpful to him . I'm not perfect , but I know I deserve better . I'm posting here because I can't go to group therapy at the moment and I don't want to do online counseling because I don't want to be overheard since I know it'll just be a big issue. I'm just needing ppl to talk to.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Well I'm just going to say it.

I don't know ONE single soul who has *stayed* married or stayed in a relationship with a bipolar partner. I DO know of several people who tried like Hell but finally gave up, and I know of two who were forced to leave due to the violent behavior of their bipolar spouse.

But I don't know *anyone* who stayed.

I can't believe you've never gotten a driver's license so I'll have to assume you've never worked outside the house, either - unless you two drove into work together? I see you're in the US - don't they make you have some kind of certificate from an accredited driving school now, in order to get your license? I'm not sure, but I know in my state they make the youngin's do it.

You've got a lot of work ahead of you.

Honestly OP, do you REALLY think your whole* life* should be dictated by counseling and therapy and group therapy and all that? When your entire life has to depend on what type of therapy you need in order to deal with what's going on, then that's pretty much an indication right THERE that it's time to go.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

So when do you intend to start the process of getting your driver’s license? If that’s holding you back from having freedom - get it!
Work helps any gals become more independent! And less dependent on any man controlling their life.

you have choices, choose wisely.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Raven49 said:


> He shouldn't treat me like this when I go out of my way to be kind & helpful to him . I'm not perfect , but I know I deserve better


Then why do you stay? Is the therapy a means to help you leave this man? I mean, c'mon ... he's abusive, he mixes booze with his meds, he talks to you in a dismissive manner.

And you remain tethered to this creep because ...?????


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

You need to forget about him and focus on you. You need your license, and then a job. I would stick to working on those two things for now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Raven49,

I have some questions that I hope will help us get a clearer idea of what's going on.

Did you have some kind of insurance that covers your wedding ring if it's lost or stolen?

What more do you need to do to get your driver's license? Do you know how to drive?

Do you have any friends or family who live near you? If so, are they aware of what's going on?

Does he have a job? Is he home all the time right now due to Covid-19?

Do you have a job?

How old are the two of you?

How old are your children?



Raven49 said:


> I'll be honest of he really feels that I don't believe in my marriage vows just because my ring was lost ,then I'm really not sure I want to be with someone who thinks so little of me. I forgot to add that I was doing group therapy to try to understand bipolar disorder better , and every time I went he'd give me a hard time & say things like *"whatever it is your really going to do" , or "when do I get to go do something*" . Oh yeah that's another thing that's an issue , he uses me going places against me ,and won't go do stuff for himself then us s that to make himself seem better than me


This sounds like he did not know for certain where you were going. Was he driving you to the counseling sessions? 

Where are you going besides counseling that he is using against you?


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## Raven49 (May 13, 2020)

I gave him the address of the therapy group location . It is in a city outside ours that he doesn't like to drive to , & our kids would have to tag along if he drove me since we don't have anyone to watch them , well I have someone but he doubts anyone but us can handle the kids. 
The other places I go is about once every two years I go see my best friend in Colorado ,she has a disabled child as well and is like family to me. I've offered for him to go somewhere but he doesn't have friends like I do , & would refuse to go even if he did .


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## Raven49 (May 13, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> @Raven49,
> 
> I have some questions that I hope will help us get a clearer idea of what's going on.
> 
> ...


I have a provisional learners license , my anxiety made me afraid to drive but I'm on a medicine that's working well plus I'm determined to be more independent. 
I've worked outside the home he always dropped me off & picked me up. 
I work from home now & so does he . 
I want to do drive time with a driving school but all of them aren't doing that rn because of covid , even DPS dept where you take your driving test is closed right now. I don't have anyone close enough to help me drive if I kicked him out right now.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Raven49 how old are you? How old are you kids, how many do you have and what is their disability?
Who takes care of them when you and your husband work?

You need to tell him how you feel and leave it at that, then start working on yourself. You have self-esteem and anxiety issues. You have to make yourself strong enough to stand on your own two feet. This involves getting your licence. Don't you have a written and practical element in the test? Work on the written element, study for it, keep focused.
Start squirreling away a little money every month, bit by bit so you have extra for when you want to uber.
Join an online group for partners of Bi-polar sufferers, I am sure you will find one online.
Do you get government support with the kids? Have you found out whether there are any organisations to help you with the children?
Your H has problems sure, but until you start taking responsibility for yourself and working on what you can do to change your circumstances nothing will change. There is little point in talking to your H.


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## Raven49 (May 13, 2020)

aine said:


> @Raven49 how old are you? How old are you kids, how many do you have and what is their disability?
> Who takes care of them when you and your husband work?
> 
> You need to tell him how you feel and leave it at that, then start working on yourself. You have self-esteem and anxiety issues. You have to make yourself strong enough to stand on your own two feet. This involves getting your licence. Don't you have a written and practical element in the test? Work on the written element, study for it, keep focused.
> ...


I'm 49, kids are 18 & 23 both have autism. My work is caring for them in my house ,yes I get paid for it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Raven49 said:


> I'm 49, kids are 18 & 23 both have autism. My work is caring for them in my house ,yes I get paid for it.


Ok so the kids aren't really kids, they're adults. ASD is a spectrum, where are they on the spectrum? High functioning? Non verbal? Somewhere in the middle?


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## Raven49 (May 13, 2020)

One non verbal who is diagnosed as moderate to severe & intellectual disability .One verbal who can function well in some areas but not in others he was diagnosed as moderate autism/pdd no's & intellectual disability (at the time was still under retardation).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What sort of things do you do for your husband? For example do you do his laundry? Do you cook his meals? 

Who does the grocery shopping? Do you or does he?


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## Raven49 (May 13, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Then why do you stay? Is the therapy a means to help you leave this man? I mean, c'mon ... he's abusive, he mixes booze with his meds, he talks to you in a dismissive manner.
> 
> And you remain tethered to this creep because ...?????


I was working on getting into driving school to do drive time so I could get my license and then file for divorce. Before I could get my license covid started & now the dept of motor vehicles and driving school are closed. If I file before I have it he will refuse to drive us anywhere for any reason , I don't have anyone who lives close enough to help me out ,I can't afford Uber either. For now I'm stuck .
I just came on here so I could have people to talk to until I can remedy my situation .


EleGirl said:


> What sort of things do you do for your husband? For example do you do his laundry? Do you cook his meals?
> 
> Who does the grocery shopping? Do you or does he?


 I make all of the doctors appointments, call in our refills on meds, wash the dishes , clean the house , make all the meals, do everyone's laundry , watch after our kids , feed the cats ,change the litter box ECT ECT. He only does the driving & sometimes washes dishes.
Why are you asking?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Raven49 said:


> I was working on getting into driving school to do drive time so I could get my license and then file for divorce. Before I could get my license covid started & now the dept of motor vehicles and driving school are closed. If I file before I have it he will refuse to drive us anywhere for any reason , I don't have anyone who lives close enough to help me out ,I can't afford Uber either. For now I'm stuck .
> 
> I just came on here so I could have people to talk to until I can remedy my situation .


If you cannot afford Uber, then how can you afford a car to drive? 

I think you said that your husband has a job and is working from home. What percentage of your joint income does he earn?

Do you have access only to the money you earn? Or do the funds you earn go into your joint accounts and you have access to all of it?



Raven49 said:


> I make all of the doctors appointments, call in our refills on meds, wash the dishes, clean the house, make all the meals, do everyone's laundry, watch after our kids, feed the cats ,change the litter box ECT ECT. He only does the driving & sometimes washes dishes.
> 
> Why are you asking?


He's the father of your children right?

I'm asking because you are way over your head and doing far too much. One way to help lighten your own load is for you to stop doing anything for him that you can. For example, you could stop doing his laundry. He's a big boy. I'm sure he can figure out how to use the washer.

If you pick up after him, stop doing that. If he leaves junk around, get a box and throw all of it in the box. When the box is full throw it all out. If there are valuable things in the box you could just store them somewhere.

You might want to consider no longer cooking for him.

When it comes to your kids, they are grown now. Are there any programs that they could get into that could help them? One of my sisters used to work helping people with disabilities. She used to talk about group homes that many move into. There are also sometimes daycare type situations so you can get some relief.


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## Raven49 (May 13, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> If you cannot afford Uber, then how can you afford a car to drive?
> 
> I think you said that your husband has a job and is working from home. What percentage of your joint income does he earn?
> 
> ...


Well I literally get paid to care for my kids in the home , any time they spent away from the house in a program impacts my paycheck . Also while I might consider sending my oldest to a respite place ,I would probably never be able to do that with my younger one since he can't tell me what goes on (non verbal) & no places I've looked at are run in a way that would prevent him from wondering off & he has done that . I homeschool him now because the school let him wonder off & he was almost about to walk on a highway when they caught up to him . I'm teaching my kids house work when I care for them so things will ease up for me once they get the hang of it. 
The reason I can't afford an Uber is because I have a car payment . I'd rather have a car I can drive myself later then use Uber , I can't afford both.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Raven49 said:


> Well I literally get paid to care for my kids in the home , any time they spent away from the house in a program impacts my paycheck . Also while I might consider sending my oldest to a respite place ,I would probably never be able to do that with my younger one since he can't tell me what goes on (non verbal) & no places I've looked at are run in a way that would prevent him from wondering off & he has done that .


This all sounds very hard on you. I guess your husband can help with your sons that you can get breaks. Do you do anything for yourself such as maybe even taking a walk by yourself daily just to get out of the house and away from the responsibility for a bit of time?

It would seem that at some point they need to get some exposure to other environments. You are young right now, but at some point you will not be around for them.



Raven49 said:


> I homeschool him now because the school let him wonder off & he was almost about to walk on a highway when they caught up to him . I'm teaching my kids house work when I care for them so things will ease up for me once they get the hang of it.


It's good that you are teaching your sons to do housework. It's a life skill that should help them function in the future as well as take come of the work off you. 



Raven49 said:


> The reason I can't afford an Uber is because I have a car payment . I'd rather have a car I can drive myself later then use Uber , I can't afford both.


Ah, that makes sense.

Do you know how to drive but just need to do the things that are required to get a license?

Have you checked the driving schools near you in the last few days? It seems that a lot of them are open now.









COVID-19







www.roadmaster.com






Some of them even have most/many of their classes online.





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Adult Drivers Ed | Houston Area Driving Schools







houstonareadrivingschools.com


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