# Coping with the truth of his infidelity



## LostJB (Aug 3, 2011)

ANyone who's been following my posts at this point knows that I'm still on this rollercoaster of heartbreak. Recently I was going through the "rose-colored glasses" phase. I was missing my old life, looking back at my marraige with positive eyes. I guess thats why this last week was really so much harder than expected.

First part of the week I continued to hear from my stbxh about him ending his relationship with the OW (crazy girl who stole money from him and lied to him all the time). He continued to talk in ways about us maintaining a friendship and wanting to be completely honest with me from now on, really be a good person and all that. My history with him over the last 4 months has been nothing good, lots of lies, misleadings, him acting guilty and sorry, but never acting in anyway to really try and fix things. He hurt me so much, but being pregnant and having a 3 year old sone has kept me wanting to keep things somewhat "friendly". 

Now I'm starting to see his want to be friends is just a continuation of his "cake eating". Me being his friend allows him to have me for the reasons he still wants me, but not as his wife. It also probably helps him feel better, not the "bad guy" if I can still be his friend.

Well, Wednesday he called me to talk business stuff and when I asked if that was it he was hesitant. He reiterated this desire to be friends and be honest with me about his life so I wouldnt think he was hiding things. He followed that up with telling me he had a date for the following evening. So he barely has the psycho out of our house (she moved in within weeks of me being gone), and already has a date?!

Turns out it was with a friend/acquantence of mine. I took this as a huge bomb. I didn't really know why at first. I mean yes this girl was a friend, even on my short list of baby shower invites. So that sucks. But I think mostly I was holding out for him to actually try and fight for me back.

I blamed his lieing and cheating on the OW, now only to realize that it must not have been about her. He must have been willing and ready to give up life with me before he even met the OW. I know I'm not to blame, but emotionally this is so much ahrder then just an affair getting inthe way. It means that the relationship we had for 10 years meant so little to him, that he couldn't even talk with me about it. He really never did give us a chance to work it out. 

I loved him so much and would have done anything tgo make it work, but he gave up on us before I ever had a clue. 

So now its about letting go.... I think this may be the hardest point yet in the whole mess. Kinda feels like back to day one :-(


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Ahhh Lost JB so so sorry for what you are going through.It heartbreaking how so many people have no values in life.
I went through something similar...and the hardest part is the kids...you're trying hard for them and yes you do love him and is plain hard to take so much betrayal from the person you thought will be with you until the end.

I have been there,now I am somewhere else...Thank God...I survived this horror somehow..he left me with a 6 month old baby and a 5 years old..I was devastated...life seemed to be over for me.
Now it is different.We are trying to be friendly and may be it'll happen after the divorce....
It is hard...I still have hard days where I miss my old life...not him in specifics but how I felt secure and how the future seemed so clear.But these days are not too often anymore.I worked hard to get here.And yes my ex is a liar...pathological i think...he has always had a problem with that but escalated after he started cheating...i don't care anymore..it is his problem to deal with but he is lying to my kids sometimes and it bothers me because of it.

To deal with the pain of infidelity is hard but is do-able..the pain lessens with time and it is easier to overcome when there are triggers.Yes sometimes feels like you are going back to day 1 ...i have had these moments...but it's OK to take 2 steps back sometimes.You will be OK,and you will come on the other end happier and knowing that it is not your fault and you did everything to save the marriage.He has set himself up for a lifetime of unhappiness and guilt.
Be strong!
hugs


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## LostJB (Aug 3, 2011)

Yes the hardest part is the kids. I'm the one who gets to hear how sad my 3 year old is and wants to go to daddy's. I know that its all on his dad that we're going through thisbut I still feel horrible. I wish I could make my baby immune to all of this. I feel like I'm the only one even worrying about making sure he's happy. My stbxh is so wrapped up in himself and not being alone ... moving on... all that crap, he's not concerned at all about his little boys ability to cope. 

I'm the one my son talks to about the ow. Even though she's not really a problem anymore, her being around left an impression.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

It is so hard to go through all of this. I had a similar situation where my ex left for the OW and things happened before I was aware there was a problem because he never said a word. His argument? I should have known how unhappy he was without him having to tell me. Ummm.....good luck with that. I've got kids, too, and that's what makes it so much harder. 

Anyway, just telling my story so that you know you're not alone.


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## LostJB (Aug 3, 2011)

Thanks WS - I'm really having a hard time with how my h's actions are affecting my son. Today the daycare provider said she's noticed an acclerating amount of aggression from him, that coupled with the talking about the OW, and that there is already woman in my H's life that he's wanting to involve with my son, has be on such gaurd. I almost want to take him and leave to protect him. I know thats definetely not the right answer. I just wish I didn't feel like I had to fight at all for whats best for my son. If my H and I could at least agree on that it would make my life easier. 

But knowing that he's already planning on introducing my son to her, even if its in a month burns me. He doens't know what will happen in a month.. I wish I had some idea of how to combat the things I can't control. I know that if my H wants to he's gonna do it. But as a Mom, how do I work on the back end to help my baby boy thorugh the turmoil?


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## LostJB (Aug 3, 2011)

Is no role model better than a crappy one?


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## kat456 (Oct 11, 2011)

I'm sorry your going through this. Keep your head up. Don't allow him to do this to you any longer. Hold his feet to the fire and file for divorce. That way he cannot do what ever he wants and still have you as a friend.

I would not be friends with him for now. I would not want to hear about him dating or what he was doing in his life. Respect yourself first. I would also cut off communication with him for now other than business the two of you have.

Kids/house etc. I do believe men do have responsibility to their children and in the long run I believe that it is more hurtful to them if they don't see or know the other parent. 

Wait and see how he is with the new baby then judge for yourself. If he has poor parenting skills then that is different.

Take care of yourself and stay strong. I have been there and I know this sucks.


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