# How often is trying ....



## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

My wife told me she will try at her own rate in giving a BJ that i can cum from. The obvious way is just to give one. 

Question is how often is considered trying.

Since I know when you try something especially in sex and it doesn't work usually you dont want to try it again for a little bit.

Just wondering what you guys think. I am scared she is saying things without weight to them.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I wouldn't pressure her directly or indirectly. If you do it will be self-defeating and she will never learn to enjoy it on her own terms. A marriage is a long time so there is no rush here.

However, if she tries it once and then not again for a month or two, it is reasonable to assume she is not really trying to expand her horizons and is just placating you.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

How is your sexlife otherwise?

So much emphasis put on suckin' knobs. I don't get it.

I like to do it, so my husband doesn't go without...but some people don't like to do it. Did you not know this before marriage?


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

that_girl said:


> How is your sexlife otherwise?
> 
> So much emphasis put on suckin' knobs. I don't get it.
> 
> I like to do it, so my husband doesn't go without...but some people don't like to do it. Did you not know this before marriage?


Well we do it 3-5 times a week. We got married young. She promised me she will give me oral when we got married. On our wedding night I asked and she's like na not tonight. I soon realized I am not getting oral sex.

Around a year later, we were fighting heavily about this topic. On our first anniversary I went down and make her cum orally, she loved it, and she from then on usually gets it 2-3 times a week. 

She tried but eventually told me that "I will do it, just don't remind me or talk about it" ... well I didn't talk about it for at least 3-4 months and never got it. I gave up.

We had the exact same fight and she said the exact same thing.... another 3-4 months went by. 

Anyway about a year and a half later I said I want it once a month. She did that, but it was more along the lines of a quick 1 minute thing and then we went to sex. So some months I was looking forward to it and then just as I was getting into it, the act was done.

After 3 and a half years of marriage I was still not happy at the level of oral sex I was getting. So I told her, I want you to make me cum orally, I know that it's a huge challenge but lets say after 5 minutes if you can't we will stop. I also hold her I want her to try at least 2 times a month. 

Well we had a huge fight she agreed and then again forgot. She now wants to go back to the "I will do it, just don't remind me or talk about it" ......


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. You're totally making it sooooo unsexy! 

I wouldn't want to do it if I were her. Ew. "You must try 2 times a month."

Eesh.

Have you asked her why? Instead of fighting about it, have you talked about what it means to you?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Nicbrownn80 said:


> Well we do it 3-5 times a week. We got married young. She promised me she will give me oral when we got married. On our wedding night I asked and she's like na not tonight. I soon realized I am not getting oral sex.


:lol:
I`m sorry..

You did marry young, young enough not to know you can`t trust what they say.
Actions my friend not words.

Now you`re stuck and an ******* if you rightfully dump her for not giving you oral.
Don`t think she doesn`t know this and already have her self righteous speech prepared for those people who start asking why y`all are having problems.
"The shallow moron is going to destroy our marriage over oral sex!"

At this point even if you get her to give you head it`s going to suck worse than masturbating with sandpaper due to the hatred she`s going to have of it just because she was ultimatumed into it.

You`re screwed.


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Wow. You're totally making it sooooo unsexy!
> 
> I wouldn't want to do it if I were her. Ew. "You must try 2 times a month."
> 
> ...


I guess your right. Yes we talked about it basically she doesn't know what to do .... and I got her a book and offered to show her.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I love giving oral sex. I mean, I actually love it and randomly give it at odd times  

Hubs never even asked for it in the beginning. It was I who asked why he never initiated it.

It's very sexy when I do it. Oh of course, i was not always this confident about it. Took practice. Doesn't make me a wh0re, just made me ready to really please my man.

So, if you're telling her "do this and do it for 5 minutes and do it like this and you will do it this many times a month..." EW EW EW!

I know you're frustrated. She was very wrong to not keep her promise. I find that to validate your feelings 100%. 

I just think your approach is wrong. However, who's to say she'd come around if you treated her more sexy? I dunno.

I just DO NOT understand women who don't want to please their man. Geebus.

She doesn't need to know what to do. It's like a dripping fudge sicle. lol. Just put it in your mouth.


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

tacoma said:


> :lol:
> I`m sorry..
> 
> You did marry young, young enough not to know you can`t trust what they say.
> ...


I don't think your right. But I think she will come threw .... 1 day....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Nicbrownn80 said:


> I don't think your right. But I think she will come threw .... 1 day....


I think you're delusional, myself. She's going to keep doing the minimum amount to shut you up every 3 or 4 months. What reason does she have to change? She doesn't like giving them.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

First off... If a woman ever told me "After we get married." guess what? 
We're not getting married....

You might just say you've been baited and now she is switching (well you haven't even been baited other than empty promise)...

Now if you focus on a "Hey baby give me BJ so I can get off" attitude.... She's not going to think it matters at all....

Your approach should be of mutual intimacy...
You tell her your honest reason and need of pleasure from her, and how it can be a mutual bonding.... Not just her pleasing you...

Next you gotta keep it intimate... For all you know she could be thinking while you're getting it, you're gonna have one hand on her head and the other on the remote....

Really the hardest part you're going to have is getting her to the party... But when you do, BE A GREAT BJ HOST... (to elaborate) keep continuous contact with her, stroke her back with light touches, gently stroke her hair, give her total control, (at least make her feel like she has) your directing should be with gentle touching and loving words of encouragement... Do not put any emphasis on anything negative, just the positive....

In short.....
Talk Talk Talk and discuss it...
Make It Intimate and Loving...
Positive Encouragement and Make Her Feel Loved and Sexy...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Communication.

You need it.

that doesn't mean fighting. Hubs and I rarely fight. I think we've had one fight...seriously. Learn to talk.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It took me a very long time. Not once was my husband upset by my turn downs. Now we are emotionally connected, I actually enjoy it.

My husband does everything in the world for me. I tried for years to successfully give oral. I can not stomach semen. He's very respectful and let's me know when I need to stop. We finish with being intimate.

I would never do it if he expected or was nagging for it. I find that very disrespectful. My husband was also aware that I was not into giving oral before we married. Now I love pleasing him. My husband has always put my needs before his and this has a big part of why I love giving oral to him.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

That's the whole thing.

In marriage, BOTH people have to put their partner's needs first. That's not to say to let your own needs go, but when you're only looking out for yourself, no one wins.


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> It took me a very long time. Not once was my husband upset by my turn downs. Now we are emotionally connected, I actually enjoy it.
> 
> My husband does everything in the world for me. I tried for years to successfully give oral. I can not stomach semen. He's very respectful and let's me know when I need to stop. We finish with being intimate.
> 
> I would never do it if he expected or was nagging for it. I find that very disrespectful. My husband was also aware that I was not into giving oral before we married. Now I love pleasing him. My husband has always put my needs before his and this has a big part of why I love giving oral to him.


Just to be clear, I want her to try. I don't cair if it works or doesn't (me cumming), its the fact she is actually trying.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Nic, 
I have to agree with most of the posters. I don't think you will progress by doing nothing or by making a bj your goal or arguing and fighting about getting them or demanding she do it. 

Can you see that it is like she is performing a service when you tell her she has to do it at a set schedule. Woman like romance not made to feel like you are pulling up at a service station to get your fill. 

Do you see? I think a change in your approach will work wonders. 

How would having an oral sex night work for you. Make it a once a week special night. You give her oral sex get her aroused and satisfied then she gives you oral sex.

That way, neither of you will feel frustrated. As for her learning by reading - that is like like attempting to learn knot-tieing by reading about it. 

You really need on the job training and practice. Start small and then work you way up. Start with licking, using mostly hands and some mouthing. 

Increase mouth and hands with time. Guide her and never get impatient or argumentative. 

I imagine it is frustrating it is but take the long view. Create an accepting, playful and safe environment around sex.

Don't make a bj a single-minded goal which it seems to be at this point. When you get a book get one about sexual pleasure for both. You never want to appear interested in your pleasure exclusively.


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Nic,
> I have to agree with most of the posters. I don't think you will progress by doing nothing or by making a bj your goal or arguing and fighting about getting them or demanding she do it.
> 
> Can you see that it is like she is performing a service when you tell her she has to do it at a set schedule. Woman like romance not made to feel like you are pulling up at a service station to get your fill.
> ...


so ... I think that you have some amazing idea's. A week oral night would be too much for my wife at this time. But she does NOT want to have an oral night. I used to give her oral sex until she had enough and when I wanted it back she would always grin and say I didn't ask for you to give me oral, turn away and go to sleep. 

I think I will take it slow, her going down when she wants let the wounds of fighting heal. Maybe in a month or so ask for an oral night or something she would WANT to agree too.

Again thanks for the good advice.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Nicbrownn80 said:


> so ... I think that you have some amazing idea's. A week oral night would be too much for my wife at this time. But she does NOT want to have an oral night. I used to give her oral sex until she had enough and when I wanted it back she would always grin and say I didn't ask for you to give me oral, turn away and go to sleep.
> 
> I think I will take it slow, her going down when she wants let the wounds of fighting heal. Maybe in a month or so ask for an oral night or something she would WANT to agree too.
> 
> Again thanks for the good advice.


What you say is very wise.

I know that talking about sex problems is a commonly suggested strategy but I don't think it works well. 

I think using mostly nonverbal communication and directing the action, creating a safe welcoming environment works better. It works for me. I am Lower D and my H is HD. 

My husband is welcoming, playful, teasing and relaxed. I think it creates a dynamic that helps me to relax and let out my inner freak.

Feel your power and lead her. Don't let sh!t tests deter you and don't back down. It is natural to jockey for position. Have boundaries in place in your relationship, get and give respect 

Most women respond best when they feel safe and protected. They like to know that their man can handle himself in the world and he can handle her. 

We most of us like to feel special to our man. Most will respond better when you tell us that our lips are what you love to see on your junk, not just any old lips. 

Notice I am not talking about sex but about a dynamic. This is from my one woman point of view. You can take any part that suits you and your wife's personality to create the right balance of leadership and partnership. 

If your wife is mentally healthy, loves you and wants to make you happy then you can nurture that baseline into a happy sex life. It will take time and careful tending. 

The good thing is that relationships are robust and small changes make a big difference.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Another thing you might want to do is to introduce some fun play. 
There are edible paints. Paint each other and then lick it off. I’m sure if you look around you can find other things that are playful that could be used to encourage oral. Of course don't only make it about oral... it's just fun.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

The problem is that you are not giving her any motivation to do it. You ask, she says no. You give her oral sex, she turns you down. Why should she change? Well, obviously, because it's important to you. Well, obviously, she doesn't want to change. Athol recently posted about a similar problem to yours HERE. I suggest you read through as much of his blog as you can and order his book, too. 

Here are some tips from me: 

1. Don't ask her for oral sex until she's already hot and steamy from loads of foreplay. She'll be more willing to do it than if you present it like you want her help to assemble an Ikea chair. 

2. Stop asking her for it like she's got a treat you want and you're ten years old. And don't demand it like you're her parent telling her to clean her room, either. Be confident and playful. Make it fun for her.

3. Don't fuss if she doesn't do it. She is probably partly holding out because she feels like she has some kind of power over you. Stop caring.

4. Stop giving her oral sex all the time. Every so often just bang her hard, as they say. Be confident and dominate her.


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

It's funny apologizing to her about it and telling her it's ok to go at her own speed accomplishes so much more then telling her she NEEDS to do something.

Last night she read the book I got her on oral sex and even tried it! All because I didn't pressure her. She even let me cum in her mouth without even me asking : something I was not ready for.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Nicbrownn80 said:


> It's funny apologizing to her about it and telling her it's ok to go at her own speed accomplishes so much more then telling her she NEEDS to do something.
> 
> Last night she read the book I got her on oral sex and even tried it! All because I didn't pressure her. She even let me cum in her mouth without even me asking : something I was not ready for.


Keep it up - relax and have fun. Welcome her with warmth but don't act grateful just appreciative. The way she is appreciative of all the thinks you do (I hope)

Be playful but in charge. Lead her but don't beg or lecture. In my relationship, I am not naturally adventurous but I take my husbands lead and I have had fun adventures with him.

One element is I feel safe. He has never expressed anger or frustration. He never sat me down to talk to me about sex. He is persistent in a pleasant way, humorous and not critical. 

When I am awkward with something new we joke about it, I know he won't be dissatisfied and we work on it like a mutual project. We ate a team. Try it. 
:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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