# Frustrated and feeling alone



## breathingunderwater14 (Feb 18, 2015)

First things first, I'm sorry this is going to be such a long post. I have been holding on to this for awhile...

My husband and I have been married for just over a year now but we have been together for almost 3. Our relationship has been rocky, to say the least. We moved cross country 10 months ago and my husband has turned into a completely different person. He is angry, confrontational, and defensive. He will yell at me over the smallest things, he makes back-handed comments about something I've done or haven't done, he is over-protective of his cellphone and money, and whenever I try to talk to him about how all of this makes me feel, he turns it around on me and makes me feel at fault or like I am just being paranoid....

and he is down right LAZY. He will leave dirty clothes all over the house, trash will pile up next to his recliner, and he always has an excuse. I don't know how many times I have asked him to pick up after himself and he will say he is going to but then never does. We both work 2 jobs. There is no reason I should have to come home from work and clean up after him before I can relax. I am a shell of the person I used to be. I used to have so much energy and excitement for life and now I have all I can do to drag myself out of bed in the morning. I want my life back, I want my fun-loving, charismatic, sweet husband back. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm running in place and drowning all at once. 

Someone please help....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I have some questions, the answers to which might help to understand.

Did you live with your husband when you dated before marriage?

How old are the two of you?

How many hours a week do each of you work?


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## breathingunderwater14 (Feb 18, 2015)

We have lived together pretty much our entire relationship. I am 24 and he is 25. I work around 60 hours a week and he probably works around the same, just at different times. I just don't understand why my feelings are so unimportant to him lately. They never used to be.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Is your H perhaps in any danger of losing his job?*


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## breathingunderwater14 (Feb 18, 2015)

No, he has a stable job. He makes decent money. He says I stress him out and I'm too needy. All I ask of him is to pick up after himself and when we have time together, I want him to be present. I work early in the morning and he always wants to do things late at night. He says it's okay if I'm tired because I sit at a desk all day. We barely have sex anymore, which is super odd to me because he has always had a high sex drive. I really don't understand what is going on with him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

breathingunderwater14 said:


> No, he has a stable job. He makes decent money. He says I stress him out and I'm too needy. All I ask of him is to pick up after himself and when we have time together, I want him to be present. I work early in the morning and he always wants to do things late at night. He says it's okay if I'm tired because I sit at a desk all day. We barely have sex anymore, which is super odd to me because he has always had a high sex drive. I really don't understand what is going on with him.


There are a some possibilities that come to mind.

The first on is that the two of you are working way too many hours. The two of you have not nurtured your relationship. So he's grown away from you. This explains distance. It does not explain his mistreating you to the extent that he is.

What does explain the change in him and his mistreating you (being abusive) is that he is an abusive person. Very often abusers pull a bait and switch. They will be a wonder partner until marriage. Once they are married, they let down their guard and stop play acting. They start showing who they really are.

I had this happen to me. I dated a guy for 5 years. We lived together part of that. He showed no abuse, no anger, etc. After we married he changed. We are no longer together.

Just to get more clarity on this. Has your husband ever hit, pushed shoved or grabbed you in anger? Does he do things when angry like throw things, break things, punch walls, bang on things?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What time do you go to work in the morning and when do you come home? What about him?

Does he do things outside of work with out you? Go out anywhere?


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## breathingunderwater14 (Feb 18, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Just to get more clarity on this. Has your husband ever hit, pushed shoved or grabbed you in anger? Does he do things when angry like throw things, break things, punch walls, bang on things?


When he gets really angry, he will get close to me and nudge me. Sometimes he will hit walls. A few times, he has gotten really aggressive and actually hurt me. I am very nervous when we argue that he could blow up but I have my whole life invested in this relationship because he was never like this before. I want to believe he can be that kind, loving, caring man he was when we first started dating. What can I do? I am 2,000 miles from my family and friends. I am essentially by myself out here. He still just doesn't seem like "that guy" to me, even after he has hurt me like this. I'm lost....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

breathingunderwater14 said:


> When he gets really angry, he will get close to me and nudge me. Sometimes he will hit walls. A few times, he has gotten really aggressive and actually hurt me. I am very nervous when we argue that he could blow up but I have my whole life invested in this relationship because he was never like this before. I want to believe he can be that kind, loving, caring man he was when we first started dating. What can I do? I am 2,000 miles from my family and friends. I am essentially by myself out here. He still just doesn't seem like "that guy" to me, even after he has hurt me like this. I'm lost....


Your husband was not like this before because he was pretending to be someone he is not. What you are seeing now is who he really is. That nice guy he pretended to be will never come back. It was fake. 

I'm sorry but this is what abusive people usually do. They usually have a lot of charm and know how to get trap their victim into a relationship. Then once you are hooked on them, the abuse starts.

Your husband is physically abusive. He's escalating and it will get worse. It never gets better.

You have two choices.

The best one is that you leave now and go back to where your family is and start over.

The other is that you find a local organization that provides counseling and support for victims of domestic abuse/violence. And you go get counseling NOW. 

Also please call and talk to one or two people who you trust.. friend or family. You need to build a support system. You need help.

A marriage cannot be repairs when there is domestic abuse and violence.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men



You need a safety plan. Here are some examples:
http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf

Personalized Safety Plan - Domestic Violence

Safety planning for abusive situations | womenshealth.gov


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

If he is hurting you - GET OUT!!!!

There is just NO reason or excuse for physical abuse - NONE.

I know - people on TAM sometimes seem to be "kick him/her out" at the very first inkling of problems, but this? NO way should you endure ANY physical abuse - NEVER...

If there was no abuse, I would say that you are both working too much, but abuse brings a different level to it.


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