# Like a Brick wall...



## txlady (Apr 18, 2012)

My H and I have been married almost 9 years and are going through a divorce. It is set to be finalized very soon, next month actually. We have one child. 

He has cheated multiple times, he had an affair with a subordinate on his job. After about 5 months of trying to kill the affair on my own, I took it to his bosses. He was punished, she was let go (as far as I know). He still has his job. I am almost certain OW and H are no longer an item. 

He wants nothing to do with me. He left and it has been beyond painful what I have been through, as lots of you know. I cannot get anywhere with him. I feel as if we never truly sat down and worked this out together...I tried a few things, but it didn't work. 

So, I have many unanswered questions. Every time I tried to talk to my H about any of this, he puts up his brick wall and says he does not want to talk about this, there is no point in talking about this, etc. I feel that it is very unfair for me to go through all of this and end up getting no answers from him. He says that I do not respect his feelings on not wanting to talk about his affair or why we are getting divorced. I feel shafted--I would like to know exactly why he left, I need answers! He says it is a culmination of things (that do not make sense and were based on my feelings and what I felt was the right and best thing to do after I found out about his cheating). How do all of you deal with this? I feel lost and like I am trying to find my way out of something but I cant, because the one that can help me will not.


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## jenniferswe (Apr 23, 2012)

You may never get a real answer out of him. He may not know he did what he did. This would be time to go for some counseling. Counseling get help get you through these feelings you're having.


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

well i wouldnt feel bad if i were you, because he is turning it around on you. he is the cheater. you felt cornered into a wall and you did what you thought was best. i agree with jeniferswe that you may never get an answer out of him. you sound like a very caring person. i would just focus on your child. it was bad that he wouldnt stop the cheating and you had to go to extremes to stop it. i would count it as a loss and try to move on. i have never had to go through a divorce and hope to never have to. but i have seen people who have and i hope and wish the best for you.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

txlady said:


> My H and I have been married almost 9 years and are going through a divorce. It is set to be finalized very soon, next month actually. We have one child.
> 
> He has cheated multiple times, he had an affair with a subordinate on his job. After about 5 months of trying to kill the affair on my own, I took it to his bosses. He was punished, she was let go (as far as I know). He still has his job. I am almost certain OW and H are no longer an item.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry that you are going through this pain of not knowing why, simply because he refuses to discuss it with you. Not only did he cheat, but he is also being cruel. Unfortunately, therein lies your answer. Unfaithful and cruel.

So, in that sense, your thinking is wrong, in that "because the one that can help me will not". That's not true. "You" can help "you". "You" can completely trust "you". "You can be honest with "you" and "You" will be kind to "you", because it is now your life that you must go on and live.

My WS cheated on me. He spent months and months chatting with OW (multiple) on his cell phone, discussing whatever a cheating spouse discusses with women whose intention are clearly not to support the existing marriage between us. I have no knowledge of the content of those discussions, but one thing is clear. Their opinions were based solely on his version of me, and not me. The end result is that these relationships were based on a fantasy that he created aka "the fog", and he continues to this day, to live there.

Perhaps your WS is also living in the fog, and doesn't want to let go. Perhaps he is lost in the fog, and will remain there for years. It doesn't matter. You are NOT in the fog. Use that as the basis of your thinking. You can exist in the real world as a real person, with real feelings and real interests; without him. If you look within, you don't really need him to validate who you are. You know who you are.

Anyway, that's how I deal with as I too will get no straight answers from my H. I have my family, friends, acquaintances, a job, interests that we did and didn't share, and I have learned to accept myself in the real world. I know it sounds silly, but I like my company and there are others mentioned above that like me too. I don't need his validation, or explanations, or his approval. After 28 years of marriage, I am now enjoying my life. I sincerely hope that you find joy in your life as well. I wish you the best.


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## txlady (Apr 18, 2012)

I am in counseling, and it does help. 

It is just strange, I am not sure how dense the fog is that he is in, but I have seen him change and become kinder to me over the past few months. He started out as a nasty fellow, really--he was a nightmare to deal with. Now that things are getting better, I thought I would bring up a few things with him...apparently he wants nothing to do with that. 

I feel stuck in this sense, that I have no real answer as to "why" (I get that the answer may not come) I know that I pissed him off and he feels betrayed because I did expose, and he just took off, ran, filed for D, and treated me horribly. 

It is just hard, things are coming close, with the D being final in just over a month, and I still do not want this, but I do know that I need to move on regardless. I guess I just feel like I am trying to tie up loose ends. I had hoped he would come around during these last 6+ months, but he hasn't. I have seen some real change in his attitudes and actions, but he just does not want to talk. If I even mention what he has done, he gets defensive, puts up that wall and goes all "why are we even talking about this" mode. However, things are so much easier when it comes to me discussing why I feel remorseful/guilty for what I did expose...piece of crap, I know. And I do know that what I am feeling is false guilt, I am having a hard time with that. I feel like I should keep my mouth shut with that, I know that what I did was right and I had to do something to try and save my marriage. 

Thanks for your input, I am taking steps to start a new life, but with everything ending, it is tough indeed.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

The real reason pre-dates the exposing of his affair. Repeat after me: "This is not about me. This is not about me." Your husband probably checked out long ago, but thought it easier, cheaper, nicer in some sick way to stay in the marriage. Many of us were left with no real reason why. Most, I would guess from my time here. At the bottom of most splits is emotional issues on the part of the wayward spouse; my stbxh also did not tell me why he did anything, what he felt, etc. I later realized that he ignored his feelings and problems to avoided taking responsibility for his actions. Believe it or not, you are the lucky one now...you will grow to realize that you have been given the gift of a second chance with a man who cares for you and treats you better than your stbxh ever could.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

gotta agree, my wife can not give me answers at all, it's so annoying at this point i'm done asking, she has always had severe ptsd & massive emotional problems. i have no clue as to why but i'm going to wish her well & hope that the rest of her life is fullfilling, i know mine will be soon & i have 5 great kids who support the heck out of


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## txlady (Apr 18, 2012)

My wayward H has done that...checking out of the marriage and of course blameshifting to avoid taking responsibility for everything he has done. For a long time, everything was my fault...seriously. Me leaving after I found out he was sleeping with OW and him subsequently cheating even more was due to....me leaving. He was basically saying if I had stayed he wouldn't have strayed...wow. Here I was, hurt to my core, and I got that...

Thankfully, I am moving on and doing better. I know this isn't about me, but wow...the unknown really kills...I don't know what is worse, not knowing, or knowing it all. 

Ironically, I never thought I would be able to forgive adultery and actually see myself with anyone who would do such a thing. It has taken time, but I am open to working things out with him. I do not think he realizes that I can do this...actually, I am doing this (very slow process, day by day of course). He doesn't see that I guess. I find it difficult that I am here, telling him we can work this out, I do care, etc. and he almost can't take it? 

I don't know...all I know is that pretty soon, if I can get this new job, I will be moving back to my home state to start a new life. Actually, I am doing this anyway. It is my desire to get my career up and going. I ended up sacrificing a lot (education and career) during our marriage, and I am looking at this time as one huge opportunity to get going with my goals. 

Thank you for your responses, it is so helpful to hear that I am not the only soul out here feeling these things. I hate that I am part of such a large group like this, but grateful that you all do understand.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

jenniferswe said:


> You may never get a real answer out of him. He may not know he did what he did. This would be time to go for some counseling. Counseling get help get you through these feelings you're having.


Highly suggest counseling it is doing wonders for me.

Helping realize I will NEVER get the truth.


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