# Ups and downs



## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

Sorry if this is long, been married for 23 years.

How do I deal with my husband's "hot head?" I am often put in embarrassing situations and lately don't have much fun going out with him. I almost feel better when going out or traveling on my own. Like today, a lady at the grocery store was too close and my husband told her to give distance. Rather than saying " I am sorry" this lady said "oh, I am distant." And he remarked pointing at her groceries she put on the line "so these groceries just got there by themselves?" and she remarked "but we both have face masks!" and he kept telling her that people like her are lowering their guard etc etc. I even told her there was a line to respect and not pass over that line Which was OKish but then he had to tell her "Have a good day" in a rude way as we exited and said loud " what a bad mannered person, she should go take a dump" and I was embarrassed and somewhat felt bad for her I guess because my hubby is controlling this way with me, like if I do something he doesn't like and I explains saying things like "but...." he gets pissed off so I sort of saw myself in her.

He does the same with my parents. He makes rules for COVID19 for them to respect such as they can come see us, but they can't go to church, and they can't bring luggage with them because people in this town (we are in Italy) don't like tourists at this moment. And we have to stay at home for the two days they are here, no bars, walks etc.. He wanted them to take a taxi to come here, but I talked him out of that since taxi drivers may transmit the disease. He also has the rule that my mom can't buy me clothes anymore because they are crappy and from China. And they can't bring us gifts because we'll be moving soon and we can't take more things along.

When somebody cuts the line here in stores, he tells them upfront. I tend to let it go. He gets angry at people who drive fast and don't let us pass the crossroads. I get it, he was in the military and wants rules enforced, but he can't control every body. Lately, I feel so tempted to just leave and go back to my parents. Yet I am scared, because I was raised with over protective parents and I think I got my first panic attacks because of that and may go back to square one and hubby really helped me.

I feel insecure going out with him because I am always afraid other people will do things he doesn't like and when my parents come visit me I am afraid they might sneak in gifts or do other things that piss him off like my dad asking how my earnings are going, how many books I sold etc which he doesn't want my dad to nose around.

Last time he got pissed off with my dad because he peed out of the toilet (he is 85 and has prostate issues) and didn't clean up after himself (he never does at home my mom cleans his messes). He's was not mad for the accident but the fact he doesn't clean.

How do I deal with a hot headed person like this? I am scared, recently read that women in unhappy marriages die of heart failure.

My marriage is not always bad, we have out happy moments, but the bad times really have an impact on me and I wonder if I am better off alone at those times but then we make peace and I feel good again. Ups and downs, but straining me and making me feel like giving up.


----------



## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Hi hope your ok. My wife is draining me too. Feel free if you want to message me and talk more


----------



## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Hi hope your ok. My wife is draining me too. Feel free if you want to message me and talk more


Hi thanks for your concern. Sorry to hear about your wife draining you. I wrote an answer to your post, although I might not be the best person to give marriage advice, at least a little support.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

You went from overprotective parents to bullying husband. You are scared of his reactions, your parents are scared. You stressed all the time.
Do you have kids?


----------



## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

No kids fortunately. 

I wonder if the way his mom raised him may have played a role. She used to get angry and hit him and she made him responsible for watching his siblings when he was just a kid himself. He joined the Army very young to escape. 

I sometimes let him get away with things he says and expects just out of laziness, but sometimes this has a cumulative effect and I lash out and expect more respect. He apologizes most of the time after a while.

Of course, it's not all bad, we have our good times too. When I tell him about leaving him etc. he tells me that all couples fight and I am exaggerating. He helped me through one of the most difficult times of my life when I suffered from panic attacks at 21 when we met. He thinks I got them because my parents were over protective and never let me grow up. 

Sometimes I feel tempted to just ditch him go back to my parents and enjoy them since they are getting very old (82, 85) and am scared if I don't I might regret it when they're no longer around, but then I think that this is a coward approach and that I might go back to feeling insecure and anxious because of their overbearing behaviors (they still treat me as a child and tell me to wear a hat when it's cold, or that I should eat more, Italian mom, LOL)

I also worry about him being alone and my responsibilities and commitment to be a supportive wife. I think I can just suck it up and get recharged and tolerate his need for order and control. After all, if I was left to my own, I would be messy and disorganized as I used to be before meeting him.

Yet, I have no other people I go out with to or can talk to with whom I can compare our relationship to see what is normal and what is not. All I know is that ups and downs are tiring, but then don't all couples go through this? We have been home together all day for over 12 years, and I doubt many couples would have been able to survive that!


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Is your only other choice to go back to your parents? Why can't you move out and be on your own?


----------



## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

I have suffer from panic attacks for many years and have a pathological fear of being alone or sleep by myself.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That’s something you probably should work on with a therapist. At some point you may find yourself on your own. Your parents are elderly and you could survive your husband. What then?


----------

