# How to rebuild a marriage and trust



## DanX (Apr 14, 2015)

I wrote a month ago about my situation in a thread called In the Dog House. Basically everything blew up and I had to get away from the internet. 

I caught my wife engaging in inappropriate activities. I don't think there was an actual physical affair. But that doesn't make it hurt less. 

After the incident we got back together. I thought of divorce, but I can't imagine my life without her. She is my world. I would be lost. 

The problem is that she know that and she has control. After the incident, I was the one that had to apologize for being controlling and distrustful. Yeah, I know that sucks. But what else could I do if I wanted to keep her? 

After all of this and SHE is acting like the victim. 

My questions is: 

How can I rebuild my marriage?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

She understands that you won't leave her even when she cheats and hurts you so terribly. You know that this is why she has control.

The way to have more control is to make her understand that you, in fact, have enough pride and strength to tell her to leave if she betrays you and your marriage.

She has to see that you are ready to stand up for yourself. You are otherwise scr*wed, in my opinion.

Sit her down and tell her that you have thought about this and you simply won't tolerate this behavior in your marriage. She needs to immediately start to do the heavy lifting of reconciliation and showing remorse. If she doesn't, then you are willing to pull the plug.

If you don't respect yourself, she won't respect you.

Strong, confident man = strong marriage.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

She's probably going to need to see some actions that reflect his words and they will have to be consistent and ongoing.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Honestly, you can't. You are not a man that is capable of turning this marriage around. You are apparently a doormat.

A doormat gets stepped on. Until you become something resembling an angry, testosterone filled, righteously outraged human, you don't stand a chance.

She cheats and you apologize? You seriously think you stand a chance?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

> My questions is:
> 
> How can I rebuild my marriage?


You can't. Not without an equal level of commitment from your wife. Is she willing to do this?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Until you let the old marriage go why would you need to rebuild the current one?

You have excepted you place in you current ,marriage.

Until you decide other wise I can't help....sorry!

Again how do you rebuild something that hasn't been fallen apart....you have told use you will stay with your wife, even though she has control over were, when, what, and who she does.....you have excepted this ....this *is* your marriage!

In short you will need to let this current marriage go..let it fall apart... and only then can you figure out if the same two people in this broken marriage want to rebuild it.

You can rebuild your self, you can rebuild your house, and you can rebuild a car....but it takes two to rebuild a relationship built on respect.

Your old lady controls you ...there is no respect IMHO!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

DanX said:


> After all of this and SHE is acting like the victim.


Both of you are victim......victims of an unhealthy marriage.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

what do you mean by in appropriate activities?

how did your marriage get to this place? What is your role in your wife looking elsewhere?

I am not saying this is any justification for your wife's behaviour but if you really want to work on the marriage, then you have to work on yourselves individually first.

wives are attracted to strong leaders not doormats

You should consider IC and then MC


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

DanX said:


> I was the one that had to apologize for being controlling and distrustful. Yeah, I know that sucks. But what else could I do if I wanted to keep her?


I've said many many times it doesn't matter what you want. Her actions are based entirely on what she wants, a apparently sooner or later its going to be something on the side. May as well face it my man, your goose is cooked. Want to save your marriage? Record what you can and put it on a CD.


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## len51 (May 22, 2015)

My 40+ years experience with marriage and dating is that once a cheater the trust is lost. It will always haunt you every time she is out with the "girls" or working late. How about while you are at work and she is home or on business trips. It will eat you alive

The other major problem is that she now knows that she can cheat again with no major consequences if she gets caught. Every women we know who married the guy she was cheating with, ended up cheating on their new husband. 

I have always cut my partner loose if she cheated on me. I could never trust her again and would think about it every time we are not together. I have been married for over 40 years. My two previous girlfriends cheated on me. I have had sex with about 30 married women over a span of years, who were cheating on their husbands and only two husbands caught them. Some had come off very long term relationships with other men.

Some said that they knew that their husband knew but pretended that they did not because it was easier for them that way. As long as their wife took care of their needs, they were OK with them having boyfriends. One woman who my wife and I shared for 40 years married a guy who was OK with his wife continuing her relationship with us and living with us part time.

Some formed open relationships with rules so that both spouses could have sex with others. What I learned over my lifetime is that to men sex is just sex but for women it is emotional as you found out. They told me that their husbands no longer make them feel attractive or sexually desirable anymore. It was always a need that was not fulfilled that drove them to cheat. Only a few cheated with me due to just sex. The rest needed to have someone pay attention to them, desire them and make them feel sexy again.

I am a realist and recognize that no one person can fulfill everything in their spouse. Communication is key and a lack of it is what causes cheating to happen. The wives never tell their husbands what is lacking. They tend to expect their husbands to know what is bothering them. Husbands rarely want to talk about feelings and stuff like that so one or the other, sometimes both, cheat.

Sometimes even communication cannot help when the couple cannot fulfill the needs that need to be fulfilled. That is what happened to us. I needed someone to talk to that was well educated and intellectual. My wife needed someone who was emotional instead of logical. Plus my wife needed a woman sexually and that I cannot ever fulfill. We talked about it and ended up bringing a female friend of ours into our relationship. She was the missing link in our marriage. She fulfilled those important needs that we could not fulfill for each other in our marriage.

Of course there is always fulfilling enough of our needs so that we are happy and content with our lives. For others, enough is not enough. We had friends who had all kinds of non traditional marriages but none that included cheating. One or both spouses could have sex and boyfriends as long as they informed their spouse and adhered to whatever rules they set. Most failed but some made it work for them like we did. 

I am lucky in that my wife did not decide to date women without my knowledge. She is a one man, one woman kind of gal and despite knowing that she could have male and female lovers on the side if she wanted to, she never wanted to.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> After the incident we got back together. I thought of divorce, but I can't imagine my life without her. She is my world. I would be lost.


You put her on a pedestal that is too High. She can $h!t down all over you and you still say thank you. Ask yourself how high is the pedestal she puts you on to enable her to cheat and turn the tables on you.

This relationship is a one sided love "affair" between you for her and her and herself. Have you heard the saying "If you don't take a stand for something then you'll fall for everything."


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Dan, this video illustrates perfectly the relationship you and your wife correctly have.

https://youtu.be/GojN2lPum0Y

Maybe you should stop accepting her shyte?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

You're enabling her with your weakness. I don't know how to say this, but you have to grow a pair and she has to feel the consequences of her actions. Otherwise, your marriage has circled the bowl and is floating out to sea.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I have a different perspective. 

You are being mindf*cked by a manipulative person, and you have to ask yourself is this someone you really want to be with? If someone is capable of disrespecting herself and you to such a degree, it really has no bearing on who you are. Your wife is the controlling one and you have dismantle her systems of control. 

You're supposed to be in marriage, not a war game. Marriage is not about maintaining a delicate power balance, it's about maintaining a harmonious relationship with someone who cares for and supports you. Do all of us have the ability to sh*t on our partners like this? I don't think so. Some people suck as people and your wife may be one of them. If she builds up resentments while acting normal and *using* people she claims to love then she needs some serious help. I would say you should prepare to eject her from your life and see if she can wake up and attain some level of humanity. Very difficult but as long as her poison continues to run through your system, it will not be well. 

After reading so many threads and real life examples, my belief is that cheaters are more animals than humans. Humans are animals of course, but cheaters are a special breed. They rarely care about healing and awareness.. they care about getting theirs when they want and how they want. She's in love with herself as long as she feels desired and essential. Take that away and she will fold like a ton of bricks. Because what else is behind her motivations right now? Certainly not becoming a better wife or human being. She will ride the b*tch train as long as you let her... she's on auto-pilot. If you want to help her, don't cater to her.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I would ask you to consider three points. First, there is nothing you can do to rebuild trust in your WW, only she can accomplish that and she has to want to more than life itself. Second, Your statement that "I don't think there was an actual physical affair." may be your mind's way of alleviating additional pain by refusing to accept/believe it. And finally, what exactly are you "saving" by remaining in this relationship if your WW has no remorse and blames you fully for HER actions? If she is indeed "your whole world" then that is truly sad. Not that you care deeply for someone but that it is not reciprocated.

Without remorse on her part, what motivation is there for this not to happen again and again throughout the course of your "marriage"? If having her there is more important than all else and you are able to live with the pain she will continue causing, then I wish you well.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> I would ask you to consider three points. First, there is nothing you can do to rebuild trust in your WW, only she can accomplish that and she has to want to more than life itself. Second, Your statement that "I don't think there was an actual physical affair." may be your mind's way of alleviating additional pain by refusing to accept/believe it. And finally, what exactly are you "saving" by remaining in this relationship if your WW has no remorse and blames you fully for HER actions? If she is indeed "your whole world" then that is truly sad. Not that you care deeply for someone but that it is not reciprocated.
> 
> Without remorse on her part, what motivation is there for this not to happen again and again throughout the course of your "marriage"? If having her there is more important than all else and you are able to live with the pain she will continue causing, then I wish you well.


He probably still sees the old her.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> I would ask you to consider three points. First, there is nothing you can do to rebuild trust in your WW, only she can accomplish that and she has to want to more than life itself. Second, Your statement that "I don't think there was an actual physical affair." may be your mind's way of alleviating additional pain by refusing to accept/believe it. And finally, what exactly are you "saving" by remaining in this relationship if your WW has no remorse and blames you fully for HER actions? If she is indeed "your whole world" then that is truly sad. Not that you care deeply for someone but that it is not reciprocated.
> 
> Without remorse on her part, what motivation is there for this not to happen again and again throughout the course of your "marriage"? If having her there is more important than all else and you are able to live with the pain she will continue causing, then I wish you well.


OP, I hope you are still here with us. The post above is very valuable. 

Im 4 yrs out of my hubby affair, my hubby became like your wife, as the tables completely flipped, and he became the victim in our whole mess. It took 2 horrible years of my life to sort out the misery of trying to make sense of it all, because he just would not own up to it... 

Dont do this to yourself. If I could give anyone any advise it would be to try as hard as one can to control the emotions in the early stages, read the 180, take control of yourself. Dont let them control the sitution any more, because once you take on "their affair," you own it. 

I am sorry you are here. If I am not mistaken, you are in the very early stages of discovery. Sadly, you have a ways to go on a horrible ride, so hang on tight. 

I can only promise you this, if you dont like how things are going now, dont worry, things now will be changing. 

~sammy


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

staystrong said:


> He probably still sees the old her.


Indeed.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I have to admit, that's who I see in my mind when I think of my second wife. When, on the rare occasion I do see her out in public, and it's in passing her when I am driving and she is sitting on the back of a motorcycle at a stop light or gas station, and there is no communication between the rider(driver) and her, she looks lifeless. I never knew her that way. She was always cheerful, until she finally made the choice to plan on leaving. I can't yet wrap my head around that woman I see. I can only attempt to accept it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what happens when she gets tired of wiping her feet on you for good and she leaves you anyway?


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Yes. I think people should appraise themselves of his previous thread before jumping to conclusions.

Also, OP ought tell us what happened in the interim.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Yes what happened after you found the topless pics and you blew up the young man and your wife ? No doubt she made you think that you were paranoid and the topless pics were so that she could check if she had lumps on her breasts - sorry just kidding.

But she does seem to walk all over you and you take it because you think that you are punching above your weight with her.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> Yes what happened after you found the topless pics and you blew up the young man and your wife ? No doubt she made you think that you were paranoid and the topless pics were so that she could check if she had lumps on her breasts - sorry just kidding.
> 
> But she does seem to walk all over you and you take it *because you think that you are punching above your weight with her*.



Really, what does this mean? We're dealing with a cheater. They punch below the belt. If people knew the real them, I doubt they'd rank them in a higher class. Looks and money only go so far when you get down to it.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Unfortunately for you nothing will ever change. Your wife has cheated on you and instead of offering up consequences for her foul behavour you offer up apologies.

Man im sorry you are going through this pain but take it from a few of us veterans around here.

Unless you man up and hold her accountable for her actions your life as you know it will only become worse.

At present you have displayed to her that she can cheat and lie and you will still be around to take it.

Given the lack of consequences the first time around whats to stop her from cheating again?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Really, what does this mean? We're dealing with a cheater. They punch below the belt. If people knew the real them, I doubt they'd rank them in a higher class. Looks and money only go so far when you get down to it.


It means the lighter weighted boxer doesn't punch the heavier boxer as hard as he can because he knows if the heavier boxer wants to, he can destroy him with one punch. The lightweight boxer is trying to be...nice, in a sense..in hopes of mercy. 

Translating to OP: He is afraid to lose her, and be hurt immeasurably in the process and after, not knowing what he will do with his life after she is gone. He won't do all he can to help himself, because it would hurt her, and he still loves her, along with being afraid. 

He is justified in his fear because he is invested in her, and their marriage. He needs to do the 180 and seek counseling through the process.

No disrespect is meant OP. I've been there. I couldn't believe what happened. That doesn't mean it happens to everyone the same, but no one can be sure. The only defense in this situation, as others are trying to tell you, is a good offense.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> It means the lighter weighted boxer doesn't punch the heavier boxer as hard as he can because he knows if the heavier boxer wants to, he can destroy him with one punch. The lightweight boxer is trying to be...nice, in a sense..in hopes of mercy.
> 
> Translating to OP: He is afraid to lose her, and be hurt immeasurably in the process and after, not knowing what he will do with his life after she is gone. He won't do all he can to help himself, because it would hurt her, and he still loves her, along with being afraid.
> 
> ...


This part is certainly true and well put. She's certainly not looking out for him. She'll be cruel if she needs to be .. she's ready to stab and sacrifice anything to get what she wants. And she'll want him to sacrifice for her. He could be laying there nearly dead in the ditch and she probably wouldn't care. 

The other poster seems to be implying she's out of his league.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

6 weeks in the dog house for confronting his wife, that was before he even took any action to assert himself.

She showed you that you have absolutely no place in this marriage.

Your better off alone, at least you don't have to wake up next to that disrespectful, entitled, histrionic, excuse you call a wife.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> It means the lighter weighted boxer doesn't punch the heavier boxer as hard as he can because he knows if the heavier boxer wants to, he can destroy him with one punch. The lightweight boxer is trying to be...nice, in a sense..in hopes of mercy.
> 
> Translating to OP: He is afraid to lose her, and be hurt immeasurably in the process and after, not knowing what he will do with his life after she is gone. He won't do all he can to help himself, because it would hurt her, and he still loves her, along with being afraid.
> 
> ...


Thanks for explaining what I said 😊


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

turnera said:


> So what happens when she gets tired of wiping her feet on you for good and she leaves you anyway?


Hopefully his wife will be kind enough to understand this and help him out this way.. 

Because only then when he is FORCED into decision and only then will he finally get it. 

Danx, there just has to be a line in the sand at some point where you will finally say this is enough.. 

I hope you get there sooner than later.. 

I suggest you go to therapy, because everyone here is pretty much saying the same thing and your just ignoring it..

I see no honest point in you posting here because you lack the strength or fortitude to fix this.. 

You need some serious one on one counseling and maybe then you will see what needs to be done..

But you complaining here just seems like some GIANT crying how some tiny man is poking his foot and he doesn't know what to do.. Even when he is told to SQUASH that tiny man with his feet or fist. The giant ignores the comment or request and continues to cry about the tiny man poking at his foot..


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

GOT IT !!! the piano teacher. Not going there again.

Danx, go read Knight185 thread.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

DanX said:


> I was the one that had to apologize for being controlling and distrustful. Yeah, I know that sucks. *But what else could I do if I wanted to keep her? *


Pretty much the exact opposite of what you did; to include:

1 - Making her understand that your controlling and distrust was obviously well founded. That's just her attempt to avoid consequences.

2 - Not taking any blame for her A. Cheating trumps marital issues everyday of the week. 

3 - For you to understand that you have to be willing to lose your marriage to have a the best chance to save it; and for her to understand what it's like to lose her husband for cheating on him. In other words, she demonstrates remorse and accepts consequences (to include exposure and transparancy) or you don't agree to R.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Looks like Dan decided to go to stealth mode.


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