# He's careless, I'm controlling.



## Orange_Pekoe

Hi everyone,

Been a while since I posted here.

Background (skip this if you know it): Husband and I lived together with his family for 3 years. I was not happy with the living arrangement and he refused to move. (During the last year, he kept saying “OK we will move” but nothing was done to make it happen.) He tried to kick me out of the house a couple times, the last time I left and didn’t go back. He apologized and asked me to come back but I did not want to live with his family any more.

We were separated 11 months. During that time, I got a job, got a condo (after spending a few months living with my parents) and we tried to reconcile. He wouldn’t move in with me because he said he had a financial responsibility to his older brother and to his mother (whom he lived with). They were a perfectly functioning family unit on their own, and had no financial trouble surviving without my husband. They are a very close knit codependant unit. He kept asking me to move in with them.

I gave him separation papers after 11 months and that’s when he said he’d move in with us. I still didn’t want him to…he had conditions attached that were absurd to me (ie. he said “this is temporary, after a year we will move and my mom will live with us”). I told him that I would never live with his mom, not now or ever, and that it was probably best he didn’t move in with me because we were not his priority. He literally begged me not to end our marriage. Because I love him A LOT, and because I took pity on him, I let him move in.

It’s been 2 months. He has made mistakes but nothing purposefully and intentionally to hurt me. They’re things he doesn’t think are important…but at this stage, EVERYTHING is important. 

1.	My daughter loves having him here. I loved the companionship and was happy to have him as well (in the beginning).
2.	The problems are:
a.	I don’t get along with his family. I resent them for taking advantage of my husband and truly believe they’re fine with our marriage ending. Attempts to reconcile with them were not very successful.
b.	He sees them every day (he commutes to work with his siblings).
c.	He dedicates a full weekend day to be with them.
d.	Because I told him I don’t want to visit his mom’s house, he excludes me from all get-togethers on his side…even if it’s at a cousin’s house or at a park for a huge BBQ. He doesn’t even ask me to go. I tell him this hurts me and that I want to be invited...he still doesn't. 
e.	He does not go with me to important events. Example: this weekend there was a funeral from my side. He had agreed to go with me. The night before the funeral, he got invited to the park with his family. He told me he was going to the park – I said what about the funeral? (In our culture a funeral lasts a good 3 hours.) He said he’d only attend for half an hour…and that he’d meet me there. I got upset. We’re a couple so we should drive there together, and I think a funeral is more important than a BBQ at the park that his family has every weekend. So we argued. He didn’t go with me. He says I’m being controlling, which is true.
f.	So far, he’s packed his things and left 2 times. Both times, he came back the next day. The first time I panicked and asked him to come back (I was the one who asked him to leave). The 2nd time which was over the funeral. I didn’t want him to come back, he called/texted/etc. and showed up at the door, and is insisting that he has no life without us together and can’t live without us and he loves me. 
g.	Right now we are in limbo. I took his key. His stuff is still in his car. But he wants to live with me and is sleeping in the other room. I am not being good to him. I don’t smile, I’m not happy. This is turning out to be a yo-yo relationship. I am upset at myself for ever taking him back in the first place after our 11 month separation but, I had to, because I had to give it a try. I didn’t want to live the rest of my life wondering “what if I had taken him back?”.
h.	I am scared of hurting him. I’m scared of disappointing my family. I’m scared of regretting it, if we get a divorce. Yet I’m not happy. I was happier as a single mom! At least there was no one to argue with. I’m starting to think I’m not cut out to be married anymore…I have no patience. If I do get divorced, I don’t want to be remarried because everybody comes with problems…EVERY marriage has problems. 
i.	If I stay with him, his family will always be a problem. It's a big dark cloud over our relationship. He doesn’t actively include me in events and doesn't tell his family to respect me so that’s an issue. I feel like my life will be a long series of disappointments. Every weekend, his family calls him several times in the early morning…his bro, then his sis, then his mom, asking “Where are you? Why aren’t you picking up? When you going to get here? Call home.” and my hands shake because I hate that they do that…I even end up deleting their texts and removing their calls from his phone. I know this is wrong. I don’t like who I am turning in to. I am stressed out. I don’t want to keep treating him like this…
j.	The only way “out” that I see, is to live in the same home but lead separate lives. But even that way, I will not be happy. 

I feel like I have to raise him again, for example in the way he dresses, or things he thinks are "normal" that actually aren't (I'm a self conscious person). He's also very careless. He lost the key to our condo once, and I found out yesterday he dented the door of the car we park beside in the condo garage. He opened a bank account with his brother (without my knowledge) and deposited his savings there instead of opening an account with me, or going solo. 

I have no faith in our relationship. 
He is caring toward me, loves our daughter a lot and helps a lot around our home. And he loves me. He says to give it time and have patience, because time heals all. 

I am upset that he made decisions that he knew would harm our marriage, and now he desperately doesn't want our marriage to end. It's like someone stabbing you multiple times and then being upset that you are hurt and that the scars are still on your body...


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## EleGirl

You do not like who you have become. If you stay with him longer, you morphing to this person you do not like will become some and more who you are. It might not be reversible after some point.


He is not only putting his family first with time and attention, he's putting marital assets in a savings with his brother.

He has no idea what marriage is about.

I do not think you are controlling. I think that there are some serious problems in your relationship that you are reacting to. Some of your reaction is controlling, some is just sheer frustration.

Perhaps it's time to finish that divorce.


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## brooklynAnn

Orange, you have given this marriage a second chance. You now know the answers to the questions of "what if/ only if/ why didn't I". 

Your husband will never ever put you first in his life. He mother, brother, sisters, cousin etc will always come first. Some families are like this. His ties are to them, he will never see the need or understand your desire to become a unit of just you, him and the kid(s).

Your husband will never be loyal to you. Because of the above, their needs comes first. He will never side with you, because that goes against his family.

He will never be financially responsible for you.That is why he opened an account with his brother. His family's security comes first. What they need comes first. So, he does not need you to take away from them.

He will never trust you because you are a stranger. The family did not accept you and you did not confirm to his family's needs/wants. And that is why you don't get invites to family events.

My opinion is you should divorce him quickly. He is tied to his mother and will never leave her. It does not matter what people think of you. All that matters, is your happiness and peace of mind.

Your husband is a boy, who never had to be a man. His mum took care of everything. That is why he is so careless. He never had to clean up his own mess. I hope you made him pay for the repairs to the neighbor's 
car damages. 

You are not controlling. I repeat. You are not controlling. This is a boy who wants to get his way in all things, he does not under obligations and compromise. So, when things does not goes his way, YOU ARE CONTROLLING HIM. 

Save yourself any future headaches and get rid of him. There is more to life that this.


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## Orange_Pekoe

Thank you for your input, I agree with many of the points.
It helps to know that although I am being controlling, it's a strong reaction to things he has done that are not right. 

His family has always treated me as an outsider. Knowing that they probably feel as though my husband "left" them for me, they will of course treat me like even more of an outsider.

I don't want to be the wife who is the "black sheep" of his family. 

When I tell him it hurts me that they disrespect me, he says: "You disrespected them, you left, and you said mean things about them. Of course they won't respect you. You have to show them respect." So, not only have I gone through hell the past few years, it is also my fault. I stood up for myself and my rights, but I am being punished for it. And he sides with them.

How do I break his heart, knowing he loves me, knowing I love him? I will hate myself for hurting him.


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## Orange_Pekoe

Very important to know:

He tells me that he left his mom and biological family for me. That he sold his house and moved in with me and that was a big compromise on his part, so I should compromise also.

All my family agrees, because he was someone we NEVER EVER thought would ever leave his mother. But he did, for me and our daughter. They tell me to be grateful we've gotten to this point and to have patience and things will get better.


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## brooklynAnn

Ok, so he is making adjustments. He is now very resentful that you make him choose. 

But this is not the time to be wishy-washy. To be fully involved in your marriage and giving 110% he must put you guys first.

That means:
- he spents the majority of his free time with you/daughter.

-full financial disclosure. All accounts he has you have to know about. He should have the joint acct between you two. Not his brother.

-He will defend you and have your back when his family talks bad about you.

-Give him more responsibilities in your home.

You now have to raise him to become a man. You have a rough road ahead of you. Hope you are up to it.

I would just not try to mingle or go about his family at this time. Let everyone has their space. Maybe in time, things will get better. 

Stop bring up his family and all the negativity with that side of it. Don't engage with arguments about his family and respect. 

Don't get involved in their lives. So they will not come into yours. Let him know that his mum can never live with you.

See how he responds after a while, or what your limits are with him. And you will know then, what your answer is.


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## Orange_Pekoe

brooklynAnn said:


> Ok, so he is making adjustments. He is now very resentful that you make him choose.
> 
> But this is not the time to be wishy-washy. To be fully involved in your marriage and giving 110% he must put you guys first.
> 
> That means:
> - he spents the majority of his free time with you/daughter.
> 
> -full financial disclosure. All accounts he has you have to know about. He should have the joint acct between you two. Not his brother.
> 
> -He will defend you and have your back when his family talks bad about you.
> 
> -Give him more responsibilities in your home.
> 
> You now have to raise him to become a man. You have a rough road ahead of you. Hope you are up to it.
> 
> I would just not try to mingle or go about his family at this time. Let everyone has their space. Maybe in time, things will get better.
> 
> Stop bring up his family and all the negativity with that side of it. Don't engage with arguments about his family and respect.
> 
> Don't get involved in their lives. So they will not come into yours. Let him know that his mum can never live with you.
> 
> See how he responds after a while, or what your limits are with him. And you will know then, what your answer is.


We have been doing all those things, except for:
1. He doesn't have my back when it comes to his biological family.
2. I engage in conversations about his family and respect.

Also, I don't want to raise him to become a man, or a good husband. It's very draining. And I think spouses should involve each other in events...he doesn't involve me. Now, I don't want to involve him in mine either.

I know what the problem is. I experienced what it's like to live alone for 6 months, and I loved it - it was peaceful. Then he moved in and all of a sudden I have to work (very hard) at our marriage - its conflict.


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## Marduk

He needs to cut the apron strings or you need to go and find a man that's finished growing up.

Either way, a controlling path isn't going to work.

One full weekend day a week is a joke to spend away from YOUR OWN family to spend with YOUR ADULT EXTENDED family FFS.

Boot him out.

He needs to decide if his wife and his children are his core family, or if his mommie and siblings are.


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## Orange_Pekoe

marduk said:


> He needs to cut the apron strings or you need to go and find a man that's finished growing up.
> 
> Either way, a controlling path isn't going to work.
> 
> One full weekend day a week is a joke to spend away from YOUR OWN family to spend with YOUR ADULT EXTENDED family FFS.
> 
> Boot him out.
> 
> He needs to decide if his wife and his children are his core family, or if his mommie and siblings are.


Many times, I've made plans with my husband and daughter on the weekend. I will get a call from family or friends inviting me somewhere, and I decline, saying - I already have plans with my husband but thank you for inviting us. HE DOES NOT RETURN THIS FAVOUR. As far as he is concerned, he will spend a full weekend day with his mom regardless of what else is happening. I used to dedicate one weekend day with my husband and daughter, just the 3 of us going out somewhere, knowing he wouldn't be around the other day ... so it was our only chance to be together. Now, I want to simply do as he does. Spend a day with my daughter at my parents', or simply out and about with her, enjoying what little is left of summer. Why am I making him a priority when I am not his priority?

I used to like myself while I was separated. Now, I despise myself. I see myself as a controlling, nagging, fearful, suspicious, paranoid person. Most of my actions are fear-based.


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## Marduk

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Many times, I've made plans with my husband and daughter on the weekend. I will get a call from family or friends inviting me somewhere, and I decline, saying - I already have plans with my husband but thank you for inviting us. HE DOES NOT RETURN THIS FAVOUR. As far as he is concerned, he will spend a full weekend day with his mom regardless of what else is happening. I used to dedicate one weekend day with my husband and daughter, just the 3 of us going out somewhere, knowing he wouldn't be around the other day ... so it was our only chance to be together. Now, I want to simply do as he does. Spend a day with my daughter at my parents', or simply out and about with her, enjoying what little is left of summer. Why am I making him a priority when I am not his priority?
> 
> I used to like myself while I was separated. Now, I despise myself. I see myself as a controlling, nagging, fearful, suspicious, paranoid person. Most of my actions are fear-based.


To be clear in what you're saying, if you make plans with your husband and daughter for, say, a saturday afternoon picnic, and his mommie calls him to come over saturday afternoon, he'll say yes to mommie and dump you and your daughter?

If that's the case, my advice would be rather harsh.


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## Orange_Pekoe

marduk said:


> To be clear in what you're saying, if you make plans with your husband and daughter for, say, a saturday afternoon picnic, and his mommie calls him to come over saturday afternoon, he'll say yes to mommie and dump you and your daughter?
> 
> If that's the case, my advice would be rather harsh.


No.

On Saturday, we make plans to be together (husband, myself, daughter).
On Sunday, he will be at his mom's the whole day, no matter what. 

I wouldn't mind it so much, if he was at least a little flexible. For example: Go with me to funeral for 3 hours, spend rest of time with your mom. But he will not allow anything else to eat in to his time with them. Also - he sees them every day for at least half an hour: after work, he goes straight to his mom's house...then picks up our daughter and picks me up from work and we go home. So I'm thinking...for someone who spends time with his family every day, why is it SO IMPORTANT to spend one full weekend day with them as well? His family reinforces it by calling him on the weekend asking where he is and why he hasn't shown up at their place. I HATE IT. My hands literally shake when they call him. I want to pick up the phone and say, HE'S A GROWN MAN, back off, let us live in peace.


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## Orange_Pekoe

I dislike myself even reading my previous post...because it shows how I'm counting # of days and half-hours he spends with them versus us.

I tell myself, other couples have similar issues, for example: one spouse spends too much time with friends, or at work. Doesn't make me feel any better though.


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## Orange_Pekoe

Also - because I feel they are trying to pull him there, and he's been so inflexible, I just want to push him away entirely. I've told him I need space to think, to breathe, to decide if we still should be married. So on the one hand I'm complaining that he spends too much time with his family, and on the other I want space away from him because I feel suffocated.

If he spent the time pursuing hobbies, I wouldn't mind it one bit. It's the fact that he's with his family (people I mistrust and don't like) that bothers me.


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## Marduk

why are sundays his mommie's day?


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## Orange_Pekoe

marduk said:


> why are sundays his mommie's day?


Husband insists he spend a full day with her. His mom/siblings reinforce it by calling him many times if he's "late".


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## mupostori

Have you asked your husband to find a way of reconciling you with his family.If any effort is to be made at reconciliation he has to lead the way. 
As for you ,bitterness and un-forgiveness is eating you up .Whatever wrong that family did to you just let it go from your heart ,it is no benefit to
you to keep it inside.


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## Orange_Pekoe

He is putting on the onus on my shoulders to "reconcile". I tried a month ago by visiting them but they were very rude to me and husband takes their side. It backfired because I came home angry and told him I never want to visit them again. So I highly doubt he will lead the way.

Yes I am bitter, I have tried forgiving them but it's very hard. Especially knowing they continue to hold ill feelings against me. I was always an "outsider" to them but even more so now. It's eating me up. People tell me to just forget about his family, live my own life, but I can't do that when my husband takes my daughter there and he's always seeing them, and they call all the time.


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## Mr.Fisty

It seems like the reconciliation is not working.

Lower your expectation that it will work out with his family. You cannot control their dysfunction. Your asking them to be reasonable to unreasonable people. Their norm is not your own.

Unfortunately, your husband is still highly influenced by his biological family. If you think of his family as their own environment, they are reinforcing the behaviors that you do not like in your husband.

And you need to detach yourself from them but your husband also brings their presence into your family life because they influence his actions. Even if you were not to see them, they will still affect you.

You know that your life was better when you were single, even if you were motivated to love him. Now that you got some of that love drive fix, your vision has widen to again encompass more of the problems. Just like he was motivated to get that love fix from you, it motivated him for a while.

Again, the love was masking the issues. The situation is a little better, but he wants you to incorporate his family again, but he at least knows to keep you separate for now.

Your essentially back with the same person, except one who is more cautious.

have you seek help to deal with your own emotions. The best you can probably do is manage it. Your emotions are reactions to the stimuli. There are ways of muting it but as long as you stay in that environment, it is the best you can do.

For instance, you can accept that you have a part-time husband and that is the best he can offer.


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## Marduk

Orange_Pekoe said:


> He is putting on the onus on my shoulders to "reconcile". I tried a month ago by visiting them but they were very rude to me and husband takes their side. It backfired because I came home angry and told him I never want to visit them again. So I highly doubt he will lead the way.


This makes no sense.

He begs you to take him back, and yet he makes it your job to make it up to his family?

With his magic mommie sundays?

Holy crap, I'm sorry if this is harsh, but are you sure he's a grown up?

Run.

Like the wind.


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## Orange_Pekoe

Mr.Fisty said:


> It seems like the reconciliation is not working.
> 
> Lower your expectation that it will work out with his family. You cannot control their dysfunction. Your asking them to be reasonable to unreasonable people. Their norm is not your own.
> 
> Unfortunately, your husband is still highly influenced by his biological family. If you think of his family as their own environment, they are reinforcing the behaviors that you do not like in your husband.
> 
> And you need to detach yourself from them but your husband also brings their presence into your family life because they influence his actions. Even if you were not to see them, they will still affect you.
> 
> You know that your life was better when you were single, even if you were motivated to love him. Now that you got some of that love drive fix, your vision has widen to again encompass more of the problems. Just like he was motivated to get that love fix from you, it motivated him for a while.
> 
> Again, the love was masking the issues. The situation is a little better, but he wants you to incorporate his family again, but he at least knows to keep you separate for now.
> 
> Your essentially back with the same person, except one who is more cautious.
> 
> have you seek help to deal with your own emotions. The best you can probably do is manage it. Your emotions are reactions to the stimuli. There are ways of muting it but as long as you stay in that environment, it is the best you can do.
> 
> For instance, you can accept that you have a part-time husband and that is the best he can offer.


My life was definitely much more peaceful when I was single, yes. I miss it. At the same time, I know that every marriage is very hard work, so - I decided to give it another shot with him, stay and work it out, rather than divorce and look for another life partner. I remind myself of that a lot now. Also he is insisting that he loves me, that I shouldn't give up, that we should have patience and stay together and work it out together.

He has made many strides. Moved away from his family, moved in with me, has taken over a lot of financial responsibility with me, helps around the home, showers our daughter with love, and loves me.

But I cannot and will not ignore the very real problems. Seems to me he leads an "alternate life" with his biological family/extended family that I am not a part of. I am intentionally excluded, it turns me in to a very suspicious and unhappy person. When I complain, he tells me I made it this way. I feel like I am a stranger that he has a child with. I am not happy around him because he is bringing his family's influence in to my home. Even though I don't live with them, my husband brings their influence in to my space. I feel very upset about that.

I spoke with him this morning. I said that since he's moved in, he's been my priority but I have not been his priority...therefore, I am adjusting my priorities. I no longer want to spend the weekend together. Also, since he excludes me from ALL events involving his family etc., I will exclude him from ALL events on my side as well. I am done making someone a priority who does not make me one. We'll see if we can live together this way...in the mean time, I will get individual counselling for myself to help with my emotions and fears. My fear and anger has resulted in me treating him badly the last week or so (ie. telling him I don't want to be married, nagging, and being uncooperative)...and he doesn't deserve that (nobody does). In fact, I don't know why he's putting up with it (he says he loves me and can't stand to lose me). I wouldn't. I'd leave and not look back.


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## Orange_Pekoe

I should also mention - he is willing to change. Slowly.

For example, with the joint account he opened with his brother - he said he'd move his share out of the account. Because I stressed that one does not secretly put his marital assets in to an account with his sibling, when he's got a wife and child.

But, if I find out about one more time that his siblings interfere or "plot" anything with my husband (financially etc.) I am going to call them and straight-up tell them to mind their own business and stop ruining my marriage. I've been decent and civilized up to this point but everyone has a limit. They can't do anything they want and expect it not to have consequences.

Or better yet, I'll call them AND send an email to all of them - his mother, brother, sister, and brother's wife - telling them the same. And copy my husband on it. Call it "MEMO TO DEVIOUS MARRIAGE WRECKERS - GOD IS TELLING YOU TO STOP" (since they're religious folks) - and tell them like it is. Ugh!


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## Marduk

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I should also mention - he is willing to change. Slowly.
> 
> For example, with the joint account he opened with his brother - he said he'd move his share out of the account. Because I stressed that one does not secretly put his marital assets in to an account with his sibling, when he's got a wife and child.


No he isn't.

He's biding time, and giving you just enough to stay, but without having to actually cut his umbilical cord.

And it's working. You're still there.

It will change only if you leave, put up boundaries, and stick to them.

And, you know, probably find a new man that cut the umbilical when he was 18 like the rest of us.


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## Orange_Pekoe

marduk said:


> No he isn't.
> 
> He's biding time, and giving you just enough to stay, but without having to actually cut his umbilical cord.
> 
> And it's working. You're still there.
> 
> It will change only if you leave, put up boundaries, and stick to them.
> 
> And, you know, probably find a new man that cut the umbilical when he was 18 like the rest of us.


I already left him once.
Leaving him a 2nd time means divorce - no more tries.

I could find a new man, but I committed to this man when I married him, and brought a child that we both love in to the world. I would rather work tooth and nail for this marriage, and only give up when I'm certain nothing will improve.

What would you demand he changes, if you were in my place? (In terms of "cutting the umbilical cord)...


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## Marduk

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I already left him once.
> Leaving him a 2nd time means divorce - no more tries.
> 
> I could find a new man, but I committed to this man when I married him, and brought a child that we both love in to the world. I would rather work tooth and nail for this marriage, and only give up when I'm certain nothing will improve.
> 
> What would you demand he changes, if you were in my place? (In terms of "cutting the umbilical cord)...


Be a grown up.

What that means?

It means you are a father first.

A husband second.

Everything else is third. And trust me, the first two are so damn hard that third is basically the same as millionth.

Sundays are done. His family is dead to you unless they come to you and apologize. He immediately discloses all shared assets with his extended family and transfers them to his actual family. Your family's financial assets are not his parent's or sibling's business. Your family's emotional status is the same.

You are invited to every family event or he doesn't go.

Period.

If he can't deal (and I suspect he won't), he doesn't come back.

He will bide for time. He will accept and then try to erode your position. He will grind you, forever.

Is that what you want?


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## Orange_Pekoe

I really needed to hear that...

The only thing I don't agree with is, I don't want to go to his family events anymore. Because like you said - his family is dead to me unless they apologize.


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## Marduk

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I really needed to hear that...
> 
> The only thing I don't agree with is, I don't want to go to his family events anymore. Because like you said - his family is dead to me unless they apologize.


I mean only if they apologize first. 

A man chooses his wife above every other human being except his children. 

Where she is not welcome or comfortable, he does not go, unless he must to support or protect his wife and children. 

That's what men do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty

My friend, there is something you should recognize. Sure, he may be doing something to please you. After all, he fears losing you.

But here is the thing, he is still too dysfunctional. He is too highly attach to his family. You are still experiencing some of it, but the core issue is not being worked on.

Please see a therapist soon. Being with him is not changing you into the person you want to be. The longer you stay with him or accept the situation, it wires your brain to behave and think differently. Your anger is now more easily triggered. You are having trouble with outbursts.

What you are already starting to do is live seperate lives, unlike what you think a married partnership should be. You are moving further away from him in response. Over time, you will have a roommate situation, and your feelings towards him will become weaker and weaker.

From an outside perspective, this is a part-time marriage and family.


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## Orange_Pekoe

Mr.Fisty said:


> My friend, there is something you should recognize. Sure, he may be doing something to please you. After all, he fears losing you.
> 
> But here is the thing, he is still too dysfunctional. He is too highly attach to his family. You are still experiencing some of it, but the core issue is not being worked on.
> 
> Please see a therapist soon. Being with him is not changing you into the person you want to be. The longer you stay with him or accept the situation, it wires your brain to behave and think differently. Your anger is now more easily triggered. You are having trouble with outbursts.
> 
> What you are already starting to do is live seperate lives, unlike what you think a married partnership should be. You are moving further away from him in response. Over time, you will have a roommate situation, and your feelings towards him will become weaker and weaker.
> 
> From an outside perspective, this is a part-time marriage and family.


I think what it comes down to is: What am I willing to accept? What are my limits and boundaries in this relationship?

Either I must accept that we don’t go together to family events etc. and I’m not his priority, and that it is the reality of my marriage. But try to be a good wife regardless. Not hold resentment against him, enjoy my “me time”, etc.

Or, I must accept that we don’t go together to family events etc. and I’m not his priority, and that it is the reality of my marriage. But continue to hold resentment against him, not be cooperative (because after all, I am settling), which will lead to a room-mate situation you described and my feelings for him will die altogether. This is what’s happening right now. Therapy, prayer, and patience might change my outlook and over time I might feel differently. But I doubt it. 

I wonder if counselling/therapy would help me establish what my limits are? In this (or any future) marital relationship?


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## aine

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Very important to know:
> 
> He tells me that he left his mom and biological family for me. That he sold his house and moved in with me and that was a big compromise on his part, so I should compromise also.
> 
> All my family agrees, because he was someone we NEVER EVER thought would ever leave his mother. But he did, for me and our daughter. They tell me to be grateful we've gotten to this point and to have patience and things will get better.


He never left his family, he just physically moved in with you. FGS he is married to youuuu, but acts as if he is married to his mother. This is NOT normal, it may be a cultural thing but he is not being a good husband and I doubt he knows how to be. You have done all you can to make it work. He will not change. Divorce him. You ask about breaking his heart, but he has broken yours by not putting you and the marriage first. Be happy, you know what to do.


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## aine

Mr.Fisty said:


> My friend, there is something you should recognize. Sure, he may be doing something to please you. After all, he fears losing you.
> 
> But here is the thing, he is still too dysfunctional. He is too highly attach to his family. You are still experiencing some of it, but the core issue is not being worked on.
> 
> Please see a therapist soon. Being with him is not changing you into the person you want to be. The longer you stay with him or accept the situation, it wires your brain to behave and think differently. Your anger is now more easily triggered. You are having trouble with outbursts.
> 
> What you are already starting to do is live seperate lives, unlike what you think a married partnership should be. You are moving further away from him in response. Over time, you will have a roommate situation, and your feelings towards him will become weaker and weaker.
> 
> From an outside perspective, this is a part-time marriage and family.


Agreed, while he gets the best of both worlds and meanwhile you become more of an emotional wreck, this is not a healthy way to live.


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## Marduk

You know what your limits are. It's what keeps gnawing at you that you can't do this any more.

You just have trouble articulating and self-justifying them. If you need individual therapy to help with that, fine.

But I think you just need to speak the truth you already know. That you are not married to a man, you are married to a boy.


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