# I went off on her last night



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

The past 4 or 5 months we haven't discussed issues or argued really. I think we both are tired of it and just threw in the towel until the divorce is over. She never was an arguer. Would pretty much sit and listen to me fuss and not say a word.

So this weekend my 11 year old and I went up to grandma's for the weekend and had a really good time. We drove a relative to the airport on the way home last night and got home at 6:30 after an hour and a half in the car. There she is, sitting on the couch watching tv. Nothing on the stove, nothing planned for dinner. I was in no way surprised but it just rubbed me wrong. She's been home all weekend and nothing. Around 7:30 my kids start asking ME what's for dinner and say they're starving. At this time stbx is on the phone chatting. Reminder, she's a stay at home parent and refuses to get even a part time job. So I ordered a pizza and by now I'm fuming. 

I went off on her (not in front of the kids) about how if she ever wanted one big reason that I want out of the marriage this is a perfect example. Here it is 8:00 at night and her kids are starving and she's been there all day and she's ignoring them, chatting on the phone. My oldest even asked HER to order the pizza and she said "Ok, but it'll have to wait until I get off the phone." Are you f'ing kidding me??? I said several other things I've managed to hold back over the last year or two. I'm not sure how I feel about it this morning. I usually feel some guilt but this time I don't. I'm working from home today and you could cut the tension around here with a knife right now.

She loves her kids more than life. She keeps them respectably dressed, takes care of all their school stuff, drives them where they need to be....how in the hell does she not feed them on time? If I'm not here to do it, it doesn't get done.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Anger is good. 

I have to say in your other posts you painted her as the model parent but sucky wife. So she's not a perfect mother after all?


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Did she eat pizza?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Did she eat pizza?


I wouldn't have given her any.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Yes she took her pizza and went and ate in solitude. I never meant to paint her as the perfect mother because I never thought that. She is a good mother in some ways but certainly not most. She's just a dang ding bat. Dinner for the kids never entered her mind because SHE wasn't hungry. If I hadn't been here she would've sat there until the kids went to her and said they were starving. And she would've said "oh, well what do you want for dinner?" At 8:00 at night.

It's just insane how scatter brained she is. To the point that it negatively affects others.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> Yes she took her pizza


This pretty much sums things up.

Why should she take care of dinner? She's got you trained, ya know?

And you came through, just like she intended.

Stop. Being. A. Doormat.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

ThreeStrikes said:


> This pretty much sums things up.
> 
> Why should she take care of dinner? She's got you trained, ya know?
> 
> ...


I'm not supposed to feed my kids? I'm supposed to stand in between her and the pizza boxes and say no, you can't have any? What is this, high school?

I'm. Not. Being. A. Doormat. I. Filed. For. Divorce.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

What happens after you divorce and you aren't there to feed the kids?


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I'm not supposed to feed my kids? I'm supposed to stand in between her and the pizza boxes and say no, you can't have any? What is this, high school?
> 
> I'm. Not. Being. A. Doormat. I. Filed. For. Divorce.


So why are you feeding her?

Yes. You ordered the pizza. You paid for it. It was for the kids.

She gets none. Zip. Nada.

She didn't order it because she knew you would take care of it.

She's not the ding-bat you think she is.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Did you really come to this forum to say:

"MY STBX is so scatter-brained it makes me fume." ?

That's all? Really?

We call'em like we see'em here in the Divorce forums. 

Be prepared for blunt advice and opinions.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Did you really come to this forum to say:
> 
> "MY STBX is so scatter-brained it makes me fume." ?
> 
> ...


I've told my story many times here. Several people know it. See how many posts I've made? Trust me, I know how harsh these boards can be. I would've never filed had it not been for a few folks here.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> What happens after you divorce and you aren't there to feed the kids?


She'll do it then. But it won't be real meals. It'll be grilled cheese, plain pasta, cereal....stuff like that. Which I suppose is fine for kids 11 and 15.

Yes, I did it. I fed the kids. Maybe she knew I'd do it and that's why she didn't but crikey...I can't just wait her out every night to see if she'll feed them or not until bedtime. I had to do something.

Anyway...it really doesn't matter for much longer. I wasn't searching for a solution to who fixes dinner. I was venting. I suppose I wanted some validation on my thoughts about her.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I suppose I wanted some validation on my thoughts about her.


You already know how I feel about her. 

I've been solidly in the camp of kick her ass to the curb since I first read your story.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

BeachGuy said:


> She'll do it then. But it won't be real meals. It'll be grilled cheese, plain pasta, cereal....stuff like that. Which I suppose is fine for kids 11 and 15.


Start teaching your kids to cook. Good life skill for when they leave home. And they can drive the grocery list and make dinner themselves when they get tired of grilled cheeses, etc. Plus a fun thing for you to bond with your kids over.

Build the memories with them, the relationship with them, skills they will need. If she won't be part of the program, go around her.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

angstire said:


> Start teaching your kids to cook. Good life skill for when they leave home. And they can drive the grocery list and make dinner themselves when they get tired of grilled cheeses, etc. Plus a fun thing for you to bond with your kids over.


Fabulous advice!! My 11 year old is the cook in our house at times. She loves it. And I get a break. 

She's actually quite good at it too.

Win/win.


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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

I'm starting to cook more. Terrible habit to not do it.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

angstire said:


> Start teaching your kids to cook. Good life skill for when they leave home. And they can drive the grocery list and make dinner themselves when they get tired of grilled cheeses, etc. Plus a fun thing for you to bond with your kids over.
> 
> Build the memories with them, the relationship with them, skills they will need. If she won't be part of the program, go around her.


I try to get them interested and teach them. That's another big complaint about stbx. She doesn't teach our kids the skills they'll need in life. She waits on them hand and foot. My 14 y/o actually said to me recently "I've asked mom three times to teach me how to do laundry and she won't." That's because it might take away one of the things that she does that makes her feel needed in life.

I do teach them things. All the time. They get mad at me sometimes because I'm always trying to teach them things. Even when we're just riding down the road. "Hey girls, do you know why that so-and-so is right there? That's so people will know...." Lol. "Daaaaaad!!! We're not in school right now! We don't want education!!!"


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Well that's just....sad.

Can't you teach them?

Like now? 

Or are you going to wait until you leave?


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Did you really come to this forum to say:
> 
> "MY STBX is so scatter-brained it makes me fume." ?
> 
> ...


what's your problem tha OP came seeking support and sharing what he is going throught, he did not came here to entretain you.

He is not a door-mat he already filed divorce, he is not trying to reconcile, a he has no the mentallity of a 14 year old as you seems to have.

what he was supposed to do?, take the pizza from her plate and throw it to the thrash to initiate a stupid fight in front of his kids, will you be happy with this?, of course as they are not your kids the innecesary fights and insults make the post more interesting and who cares about the family.

The OP clarify his disconffort, explained her why R is not an option, and took the mesures to resolve the situation as mature as possible.

So have my two cents, buy a forest a lost yourself.

i will normally advice the OP to report you but i aready did it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> I try to get them interested and teach them. That's another big complaint about stbx. She doesn't teach our kids the skills they'll need in life. She waits on them hand and foot. My 14 y/o actually said to me recently "I've asked mom three times to teach me how to do laundry and she won't." That's because it might take away one of the things that she does that makes her feel needed in life.
> 
> I do teach them things. All the time. They get mad at me sometimes because I'm always trying to teach them things. Even when we're just riding down the road. "Hey girls, do you know why that so-and-so is right there? That's so people will know...." Lol. "Daaaaaad!!! We're not in school right now! We don't want education!!!"


Teach them anyway. 

I started cooking for the family when I was 10.. there were 8 of us the time. You can do it as a fun activity.


Laundry is easy to do. My rule was that everyone in the house does their own laundry. I taught my kids when they were 10/11. Told my H to do his own too. So I've never had to worry about anyone's laundry.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

manticore said:


> what's your problem tha OP came seeking support and sharing what he is going throught, he did not came here to entretain you.
> 
> He is not a door-mat he already filed divorce, he is not trying to reconcile, a he has no the mentallity of a 14 year old as you seems to have.
> 
> ...


Hee hee.

I will respectfully assert that filing for D does not magically vanquish one's doormat status or tendencies.

Stick around a little longer on these boards and you will see what I mean 

I agree with Mav. Anger is good. But, I think that Beach is not really angry at his "ding-bat" stbx. He's angry at himself for letting himself be used, once again, as a doormat.

Once Beach distances himself from his situation, both physically and with time, he will see this more clearly.

Had it been me, she would not have eaten any pizza. In fact, she wouldn't be eating on my dime ever again. 

But, as I've often stated, I'm a vindictive a$$ (with very clear boundaries )


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

manticore said:


> what's your problem tha OP came seeking support and sharing what he is going throught, he did not came here to entretain you.


If he's smart, he came here to learn.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Conrad said:


> If he's smart, he came here to learn.


This is why we're all here.



> what's your problem tha OP came seeking support and sharing what he is going throught, he did not came here to entretain you.


People can do one of two things, they can tell you what you want to hear, or they can tell you what you _need_ to hear.

I think it's clear which is the superior option.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Conrad said:


> If he's smart, he came here to learn.


Starting at square #1. The focus is entirely on her.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

WantWifeBack said:


> This is why we're all here.


Unfortunately, no it isn't.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Unfortunately, no it isn't.


No, I guess you're right. 

I'll rephrase.

This is what sensible people come here for.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

BeachGuy said:


> I try to get them interested and teach them. That's another big complaint about stbx. She doesn't teach our kids the skills they'll need in life. She waits on them hand and foot. My 14 y/o actually said to me recently "I've asked mom three times to teach me how to do laundry and she won't." That's because it might take away one of the things that she does that makes her feel needed in life.


I left home not knowing how to do laundry because my mom is a control freak. 

Teach your kids what you want them to know; what they need to know. To heck with her and the reasons she won't, you know it's important and you can be the role model. You do it.

Some of the best times of all our lives are in the kitchen making food. As children, with spouses, gfs, friends and with our kids. 

Do it now (I advise) or when you have your own place. Start with you doing and involve them in little things like chopping, getting the flour. Graduate them to making a side dish and then get them involved in deciding what to make and making it. 

Teaching them to cook will pay dividends in their lives, but more importantly, in the short term, it is an excellent activity to bond over.

Kids complain. You're still the parent.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Teach them anyway.
> 
> I started cooking for the family when I was 10.. there were 8 of us the time. You can do it as a fun activity.
> 
> ...


My house's rules too.


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