# Wife cheated once, now spying...



## nirvanaozzy (Jan 11, 2010)

So my wife cheated on me in January and now I do not fully trust her. I have forgiven her, and we are doing well. But I spy on her EVERY DAY! It is kinda make me sick, but I feel sick if I don't do it at the same time. I check phone records, emails, etc everyday. What should I do?!?


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I think it natural to feel the way you do right now. You feel kind of nuts if you don't spy, and then guilty if you do.

I don't have the most wonderful answer for you, but time will make it better. If you two are really communicating and working on your marriage.

I don't think anything really compares to the feelings you have when you find out that your spouse has cheated. It's horrible.

I, in no way, am defending her...but...she is in a tough situation now too. She's ashamed of what she did. She feels guilty. She has to really suck it up and be an open book for you at this point. She would probably like to just forget that it happened, but the fragile state your marriage is in now is also a constant reminder to both of you. She's the one who messed up and she is the one who really has to work to help repair your marriage. That can be really hard for some people.

I would say, try to keep yourself occupied as much as possible. It's probably when you have time to think about things that you get the urge to spy.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Rebuilding trust doesn't happen overnight. As the days go by and you continue to find 'nothing' you will begin to believe there is nothing...my opinion would be to give yourself more time...hopefully as your marriage continues to get stronger your need to spy will lesson over time and eventually stop altogether.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Nothing wrong with what you are doing. She needs to earn back the trust she violated. If she says otherwise, she's just wrong. It's healthy that you feel distrust in this situation and maybe a bit "unhealthy" that you feel guilty about it! Talk to her and to a therapist about those feelings. Good luck!


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## zato (Apr 1, 2010)

I went through the same thing my friend and I am still going through it. U never gonna be the same nor are u gonna trust her as much as u want to even tho u really wanna trust her fully. I am currently still spying and no I am not proud of it. 

U have to try not to cause the more u spy and check up on her the more u push her away. Try a nice sit down and just start talking and let her help u understand Y she did what she did. It's gonna be tough to hear but eventually u will love her the way u used to as for the trust ... gonna take forever, my wife cheated on me 2 years ago and I forgave her but now their is a co-worker that she is very fond about and now I am back into the stalking business hahaha it is a horrible thing to do and it feels terrible doing it but curiosity takes over and my mind just goes crazy ... 

Basically the best advice I can give u is to talk about what happened and deal with it together. Don't stop talking but also don't keep bringing it up. It hurts her just as much as it hurts u.


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## pinkprincess (Jun 10, 2008)

zato i like your advise you make some great points about a nice sit down and chat, anyone that has been cheated on (speaking from experience) will always find it hard to trust again and once that bond is broken sadly your mind will never o back to where it was to start with... 
Stalking is not ok though guys....what gives someone the right to spy on someone else? if it was tru love and meant to be there would be total trust and that would be enough..
How stupis are you going to feel when you get causgt out spying and checking up on your SO when it turns out there is nothing going on and there is only you in the relationship left?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

In my opinion, if a spouse cheated it is their responsibility to live open book, share passwords, and basically let the betrayed spouse do what they need to in order to rebuild the trust. That would be the ideal scenario, where the spouse knows about the snooping and is willing to be open to that until trust is rebuilt. If they are angry or resistant due to privacy issues, I would be leary whether they really wanted to regain my trust.


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