# Does an infatuation end



## justanothersadstory

All,

I never thought that I would ask the internet about advice, but maybe some of you have been/are in similar positions and can offer some perspective and advice. 
My wife (34) and I (37) have been married for close to 4 years, together for 13. The relationship has been, as are most likely all, with good times and bad times, but the one thing that always ensured that we could walk away strengthened from our problems was that we could always trust one and another, and that we always found back to our original state of being in love.

Now about two months ago I noticed a difference in the behaviour of my wife, more absent, more “grumpy” and also taking more interest in her smartphone.

I confronted her about this about 3 weeks ago, and it came out that she had fallen in love with another man. There has been no physical contact and she has not confessed these feelings to him, but she is still very much infatuated.
After the first pang of cold pain through my heart and body, combined with a sleepless night we took a whole evening talking about the situation. She claims that she understands that he is irrelevant to her life, and that she cannot understand how she can have these feelings, but that the origin must be that she has felt neglect, boredom and that the excitement in our marriage was missing. We agreed that we still love each other and that we will commit to this “crisis” and come through stronger afterwards. She expressed a wish for me to be more available to her, to talk and open myself so that she can feel intimate and close to me again. After the talk we had some of the best sex that we have had in years, and we fell asleep wrapped around ourselves.
However, fast forward 2 weeks and there is very much distance again, we had a long talk in the car a few nights ago where she said that she needs time for her to really feel that we are really back and that she are having doubts if I really can be the open and intimate partner that she so craves. But to give it time and that things will be fine again. After that we have ensured to take lots of time to talk to each other, to have dates again and to laugh and just enjoying ourselves again.
Today though after a few lovely days together where I feel closer and more loving about my wife than I have done in a long time I saw a Facebook message popup on her phone. I know I shouldn’t have, but I did look. She has reached out to this person a few times during the last weeks again. Just friendly messages, but with a hint of flirtation behind it. 
She has been in a fantastic mood the last two days and just a few minutes ago she came in to the living room beaming, kissed me and said that she has such a great husband.
Obviously, I am at a total loss for what I should think or say. Can an infatuation just pass? Why does she keep reaching out to the person (again, she has not confessed any love to him) even though she said that she is 100% committed to make our marriage work again? 
My self-esteem has dived, my insecurity has reached such a level that I have decided to seek out professional help to understand the underlying conditions that makes me feel this way.
I walk around with a feeling (born out of insecurity no doubt) that I am only a backup plan. I have a high paying job, so we can afford to live in a nice house, drive a new car, etc. Things that she could not afford on her low salary. She can keep having her comfortable and good life whilst still enjoying the excitement and butterflies this other person offers. I am playing with the thought of just kicking her out straight away, but am currently in such a hurt and emotional state that this would through me into a depression and a state of absolute despair.
And I keep saying to myself, nothing has happened, there has been no expression of love, no physical contact, but I know deep in my mind that I do not deserve nor do I want to live with a person like this.
As said, I will start counselling now to find out more about myself and to ensure that I take good care about myself, even though this currently feels absolutely hopeless. Sleepless nights, loss of appetite, tears when I am alone. 

For any perspective or advice, I would be very thankful. I am really horribly lost and confused currently. This is not the woman that I married, regardless if we have drifted away and stopped communicating as we should have.

Thanks.


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## Edo Edo

Hmm...

When your wife came into the room and complimented you, MY reply would have been, "if you really felt like you had the best husband in the world, you would not still be communicating with your crush on facebook. I don't understand why you continually ask for more intimate conversation with me with you continue to communicate with him. This is now hurting me tremendously and I am forced to give you a choice. Either end all communication with this man now AND block him from your facebook, or our marriage will end immediately because I can no longer tolerate this level of disrespect from you."


Those are the type of balls you need to show her for your relationship to come out unscathed. What you are doing right now is showing her that you're a wimp and ok with letting her emotionally cheat and walk all over you. If you want to hold on to you relationship, reign her in NOW - and stop being wuss about it...

Best of luck to you...


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## Marc878

Him or you. She doesn't cut him off now you cut her off.

Unless you like being castrated.


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## Marc878

justanothersadstory said:


> As said, I will start counselling now to find out more about myself and to ensure that I take good care about myself, even though this currently feels absolutely hopeless. Sleepless nights, loss of appetite, tears when I am alone.
> 
> For any perspective or advice, I would be very thankful. I am really horribly lost and confused currently. This is not the woman that I married, regardless if we have drifted away and stopped communicating as we should have.
> 
> Thanks.


You don't need some damn loony counselor to get your balls back man. Cmon!!!

Quit looking for your vagina. I promise you you don't have one.

Why in the name of everything would you even consider living like this?

Oh and you feel bad about snooping on her Facebook after she tells you she's in love with another man?

Pretty weak.


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## TJW

justanothersadstory said:


> I walk around with a feeling (born out of insecurity no doubt) that I am only a backup plan.


Very unfortunately, many guys who are good providers find themselves in this kind of a marriage. The woman wants what he can provide, but not him. If asked, she will reply that she chose her husband because of his "good qualities" (except, of course, for sexual attraction, which "isn't important" or "can be learned"). She will have absolutely no view of how self-centered her choice is, one made with no regard for her man's needs at all. Her choice considers only her desires of life.

I don't doubt that you have insecure feelings. I think, when you "dig" for the roots of that, you will find the fact that you are, and always have been, a "plan B", and that your wife has delivered that message loud and clear.



justanothersadstory said:


> I do not deserve nor do I want to live with a person like this.


Don't deserve is absolutely right. And, don't want to live with is an understatement. Haul ass and don't ever look back.



justanothersadstory said:


> Why does she keep reaching out to the person (again, she has not confessed any love to him) even though she said that she is 100% committed to make our marriage work again?


It is because ALL ADULTERERS ARE LIARS. ALL. She wants to "cake eat", she wants to have you meet all her material and emotional needs while engaging in a fantasy world of sex with another guy, which is making oxytocin flow. It is because she has not yet endured the consequences of her own choices and her own behaviors.

She's "just not that in to you." But, she doesn't want to lose you because you are the meal ticket.


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## SunCMars

When a women says that she needs time.

Time to reconnect.
Time to find her feelings for you.
Time to think through her infatuation with this 'other' man.

It means that she is 'presently' done with you.
You are 'now' her friend.

She may be hiding some of the facts. That he knows nothing of her feelings.
He know full well. 

POSOM is gaining strength while yours' wane.
She is being groomed, knows it, encourages 'it'.

Oh, she is giving him hope also. Not hope from Canada.

When she is manic, happy and ready for sex....
She is thinking of him.
Thinking of him when you push inside her.

He is giving her hope.
You are giving her physical presence, friction and a meaty 'platform' for her fantasy. 
In her mind, your' arms are his. All your other deliverables are plastered on HIS body.
And delivered into her play.


This is classic cheater behavior. She is in the Fog.

Going against protocol again at TAM. Do not VAR, do not snoop.

Go to the source. Face POSOM head on. Tell him in no uncertain terms. 
Tell him to stay away from your' wife.

I know, I know. He may be mostly innocent at this stage. Keep it that way.
Do not threaten him in any way shape or manner. Just tell him to Stay the Eff away from your' wife.

My dusty butt is tired of playing detective. I want to go right to the source and stop any advances before they get serious.


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## Malaise

justanothersadstory said:


> All,
> 
> Obviously, I am at a total loss for what I should think or say. Can an infatuation just pass? *Why does she keep reaching out to the person (again, she has not confessed any love to him) even though she said that she is 100% committed to make our marriage work again?
> 
> *Because she's not telling the truth. See below.
> 
> 
> I walk around with a feeling (born out of insecurity no doubt) that I am only a backup plan. I have a high paying job, so we can afford to live in a nice house, drive a new car, etc. Things that she could not afford on her low salary. *She can keep having her comfortable and good life whilst still enjoying the excitement and butterflies this other person offers.
> *
> Yep See above.
> 
> I am playing with the thought of just kicking her out straight away, but am currently in such a hurt and emotional state that this would through me into a depression and a state of absolute despair.
> 
> Or, that could help you regain some self esteem.
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks.


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## sokillme

Honestly only if you break the fantasy the best way to do that is to tell his wife if he has one and file for divorce. Your wife is in la la land, and you are facilitating that by supporting her while she gives her love to another man. This is the same story that is told on here and other sites every day.


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## Diana7

Of course you are feeling insecure, you wife is having an EA(at the very least). Not only that she is blaming you and the marriage!!! You don't need counselling you need a wife who is faithful. If she does this every time that the marriage gets a bit humdrum, then she will be cheating a lot. Life isnt one long party. 

You need to be strong and say that she either cuts off all contact with this man for good, is open with her phone and computer, and looks for another job if she works with him, or the marriage is over and you want her to leave the home asap. Then the ball is in her court. You or him.


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## 71bgol

She needs immediate consequences. Tell her to end communication or she gets out and you are filing. She's having an affair. Hopefully just emotional so far. 

It's hard to do.. but do it!!


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## chillymorn69

Hmm,

The way I see it is time to switch things up a little. Start going out after work.start dressing nicer,start exercising and getting nicer cloths.

When she says whats up then just say well if your playing the field then I guess game on. I'll be out late tonight don't wait up.

And then go out and mingle with the ladies.

If your paying her car ins,phone bill, or anything for that matter just tell her hey babe here your half of the bills...I really don't feel comfortable paying all the bills for someone who is in love with some ass hole on facebook. Maybe he might want to help pay for some of this **** .

Love babe see you later big kiss and a slap on the ass as you head out the door to mingle with the ladies.


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## ConanHub

Cake 🎂........eater...........


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## jinkazama

File for Divorce

I also thought it was just an infactution


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## SunCMars

jinkazama said:


> File for Divorce
> 
> I also thought it was just an* infactution*


Yours' is a typo...
One that I like and now make 'apt'. 

Correction: infatuation.

Yours', in fact-you-shun. Yes, shun her. :grin2:


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## SunCMars

ConanHub said:


> Cake 🎂........eater...........


This cake....beef cake.

A married women should only munch-crunch, sharpen her teeth on one man, her dear husband.

If she is very hungry, a serious Carnivore', becomes an infidelious Carnal*****, she should shed her ring and her vows, via the 'Courts'.

Once she has done this she is now merely a hungry lady, not a ***** anymore.

I encourage single women to enjoy life to the fullest. 

Married women are a wondrous thing, a special case, until proven elsewise. Else, not wise.

Just Sayin'


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## jinkazama

SunCMars said:


> Yours' is a typo...
> One that I like and now make 'apt'.
> 
> Correction: infatuation.
> 
> Yours', in fact-you-shun. Yes, shun her. :grin2:


Sorry English is not my native language.0


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## jlg07

This is a flat-out emotional affair, so YES she is cheating on you. Do you have access to their messages back/forth? Perhaps you should dig a bit to find out exactly what they are saying to each other that she isn't telling YOU (remember, cheaters LIE). I'm sure someone will jump in with the link to how to VAR/check her phone, get deleted messages, etc.. Get your proof, tell the OtherMan's wife, and give your wife (without telling her how you got it) the proof and what the consequences will be.


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## Volunteer86

Have you guys tried counselling? If you are wanting to keep her now is the best time as the longer time goes by her mind will linger away towards him. Good luck!


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Grab her phone and dump all the messages. What are you waiting for? Her belly to start rising? Wake up!!


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