# What went wrong? My fault?



## nikkilaya1234 (Mar 10, 2008)

I just recently broke up with my boyfriend about 2 weeks ago. We were together for 2 years. It's a long story but we seemed PERFECT for each other for the first year. We spent all our available time together, we never got sick of each other, we were looked at as the "perfect couple", we'd do sweet things for each other all the time, etc. Then he started a band, which is his goal in life while he's still young (he's almost 23). Understandable. I was fine with it for a little bit. But ever since he was in that band, it's like he forgot all about me. He started only coming over past midnight and staying the night until his day at school or work started at 6 am. Right when he came to my house, he'd say that he's tired and wants to go to bed. By the way, he's the type where he ALWAYS has to be doing something. School full time, working a lot, he was in 2 bands for a while but quit one because he liked the other better, friends, family and then me. It got to where I felt completely last in his life. I tried talking about it to him and he said there's no reason I should feel that way and that he promises things will get better. But it never changed. He did, also, get defensive when I brought up his band being more important than me. He thought I didn't want him to have a dream which I assured him that's not at all it, I just felt like he didn't know how to juggle me and the band at once. I wanted him to tell me that he didn't have time for me but he never wanted to admit it because he felt like he could do anything. 

For the second year we were together, I slowly began to fall apart from him. I felt neglected and unimportant. I never wanted to get close to him or physical with him whether it was making out or touching. If I don't feel that he's emotionally there for me, I can't give him my physical side. Later in the second year it got to where I would always bring up that we never go on dates anymore or we never get to spend time with each other anymore. I found myself complaining to my friends about him more and complaining to him more. If we were on the phone and I brought up something that was bothering me, he would instantly want to hang up and dismiss my feelings. He started finally to break promises and said things and never followed through on them. For example, he wanted me to move in with him when he got a new apartment. We were talking about it for weeks, on all my free time I was looking up apartments for us, I was so excited. Then at a get together of friends, I hear him talking to his friend right in front of me about moving in with him at his house. It hurt my feelings so much. In the car he told me that there's no way we could move in together because his parents are very christian and old fashioned and would be mad at him. I said that's fine that he doesn't want to disappoint his parents but why couldn't he tell me sooner instead of leading me on. He told me "I thought it would be fun to get excited about moving in together." So he never had real intentions of us moving in together. That instance among several others. Each one got to me more and more until I finally became sick of it and acted completely fake towards him. I knew deep down and so did he, that we weren't going to last. I ended it. I knew he wanted it more. He was always saying that I was never happy and always complaining. But not once did he listen to what I was trying to say. I've even tried approaching him differently in the way I want to bring up something. But no matter what I tried, he said I was "attacking" him. But telling him that it hurts my feelings when he tells me that band members have to "appear single" and that it hurts my feelings that on his band's myspace he has long messages to and from hot girls about his family and friends and none about me, doesn't seem like attacking to me. I've never yelled at him, called him names, or anything similar while we argued. I talked. 

My guess is that he is unhappy with himself. I treated him like he was the most important thing in my life. I did so much for him. I didn't mean to complain so much but he was always doing things to make me unhappy. I admit, sometimes I get a bit emotional from PMS and those arguments are my fault completely. But they don't last long and I end up apologizing and doing something to show him I'm sorry. But the things I complained about: him only coming over past midnight, that we don't spend any awake time together, that he doesn't even try to make time for me, that he didn't stick up for me when his mom sent him an email i read saying "be careful with her, sometimes girls try to trap guys by having babies...", that I feel last, and that he never follows through on his plans with me. 

Anyways, we haven't talked in 5 days. The last time was through text and he said he was very unhappy with our relationship and I told him that I don't think we should be friends. I said I couldn't after us talking about marriage and looking at rings together. He never responded to it. Did I complain too much about what he calls "stupid stuff"? Am I a nag? I really tried so hard to not nag. I would say that I'm a pretty laid back and a low maintenance girlfriend. We played Halo together, he got me into loving to play golf with him, I didn't mind or question him when he wanted to spend his fall break camping with his friends (ex girlfriend with her boyfriend would be there, too), I never stopped him from seeing his friends or friends that are girls. People say that I let him get away with a little too much but I feel needy and controlling if I didn't give him his freedom. I did, however feel like I "under"reacted when I saw him and our friend sleeping in the same bed. I trust him 299% and knew nothing happened but sleep but still. It was disrespectful. When I talked to him calmly, by the way, about it he said I was once again, "attacking" him because he didn't know she got in there with him. It was at my apartment in my bed. I know they were only sleeping.

Anyways, back to the questions. Was it something that I did to make him not care anymore or was he just stupid and messed it up? Because we were seriously perfect. I feel though like I messed everything up by complaining about him not spending enough time with me ever since he got in his band. That was the first complaint and after that everything just got worse.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

To me, it just sounds as if you are looking for a more mature relationship, thinking about your future together while he is not there at this point. I don't think you did anything wrong, in fact, I think it's important for you to stand your ground when it comes to your own expectations in a relationship. Otherwise, you set yourself up for being hurt if you just let things go. The bottom line in my opinion is that he still wants his freedom (many band members are married and don't hide that fact) so until he is ready to settle down and commit to a relationship, you will feel as if you are on the back burner. You might be a good match as far as personalities, etc. but the timing is off for the two of you.


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## outgoingandfree (Sep 3, 2008)

With this situation, he haven't matured yet. You are right to give him some space ... though it hurts. Just wait and see what he will DO for you. While waiting, hang out with the girls or maybe even family to kill time.


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## nikkilaya1234 (Mar 10, 2008)

Well the thing is, the last time we talked after we broke up he said that he was very unhappy with our relationship. I totally agree with the both of you. He isn't ready yet for the kind of relationship he was leading me on to think he was ready for. When I asked him about it he just said that's not true. He's also extremely defensive when I bring up stuff. He comes from a family who is practically perfect and who has money. High expectations. He wants a relationship like his parents. I asked if he's ever heard them argue before and he honestly said he hasn't. It's like his parents put blinders on him to shield him from the real world. He thought we shouldn't argue because it's unhealthy and we're not even married yet. But he doesn't realize that HE was the one who got defensive and never listened to what I was trying to say. When he used to have problems I would listen and not turn things around on him like he does with me. I don't think I'll hear from him again. He has too much pride to admit that he was wrong. I don't understand how a person can be with somebody for 2 years, share so much together and just be done with it. He's always told me that his ex girlfriends are the ones to come back to him to tell him that he was the greatest boyfriend ever and that he never did anything wrong so I honestly think that he won't call me or talk to me. But this time around he was wrong. I would be lying if I told him that he never did anything wrong. I believe he caused a lot of our troubles and for our relationship's end. He's so stubborn. This kills me because I loved him so much. I told him that he was my best friend and it was true. I lost somebody I cared about so much and shared everything with and I don't want to lose him. But yes, we are in two different places right now. He's not ready to grow up just yet. That hurts so much. Because aside from his band, we were awesome and never argued about relationship threatening things. This also was his first real grown up relationship ever though so he doesn't know what else it out there. We have our own places, I was practically living at his place with all my clothes and things from being over there so much. He's never had that before with a girlfriend. He LOVED it though. He told me all the time that he loved that I was there when he got home and that I cooked for him and took care of him. I don't see how he wants to give it all up just like that. I know he liked our relationship other than the fact that I complained about these things. But I have needs. I can't be happy with any relationship when the person I'm with only comes over when he's ready to go to sleep and has to wake up before I get up so we only spend 10 minutes together. I can't be happy that we never get to spend time together, that we're dating but never ever go on any dates, that he puts a band and everything else before me. What drove me crazy is that he is a HUGE people pleaser. He can't say no to anybody because he feels like he'll disappoint them. Especially his parents. He just doesn't know he did anything wrong and I think he never will see it. Will he ever come to the realization that he was wrong? I thought we were so great together and had so much fun together. I'm being strong and it's only been a week since we've heard from each other. I just want him to grow up.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

I agree with the other posters in that he is simply in a different place in life than you are. I wouldn't call him immature because he is only 22 and is just acting his age. If he was in his 30's and still acting like that then yeah.
Most girls mature faster than boys emotionally and so will be likely to have this same issue with their boyfriends of the same age.
This is I think the main reason why some girls date and sometimes marry older men. 

My Wife is considerably younger than me and we are on the same page on our goals in life, in regards to finances and settling down.


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## nikkilaya1234 (Mar 10, 2008)

I know. I just hate that I see his friends of the same age all getting ready to graduate, engaged or getting ready to get married, they know what they want to do with their lives, they're happy. I get the guy who is confused, wants to have a career being a drummer in a band, doesn't like our relationship. I was the only one who tried to keep it together. I felt like we were so in love and on the same page until he started back in his band. He then pushed me aside. I just don't know what I did to have this kind of heartache. I mean what did he expect from me? To be happy with him never being around? That's not a relationship.


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