# How do i approach this?



## Gizmo04 (Apr 25, 2012)

Well some of you have followed my story with my wife going out to bars recently. Brief overview, basically shes been going out with people i dont know for a drink around midnight after work. I was ok with it when she first told me she was going out for a drink but she came home 3 hrs later at 2am. The second time it was a big fight, she said she wasnt going to go but she lied and told me she was at work anyways. She was apologetic the next day and she wasnt thinking clearly. So a few weeks go by and last night i told her i was probably going to be working late for the nato summit and luckily i got off and again she tells me shes going for a drink. I was calm and said i wasnt happy and i didnt understand why she refuses to hang out with her close friends and hangs out with these people. Of course it turned into a fight about how im controlling her. The issue is her not giving a crap about how i feel and i just dont know where to go from here. Something just doesnt feel right to me. Oh and btw when she told me she was going out she disabled the gps on her phone so she couldnt be tracked, that was a first
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Gizmo04 said:


> she disabled the gps on her phone so she couldnt be tracked, that was a first.


Its not hard to guess what she is doing and/or planning to do. :sleeping:


----------



## Gizmo04 (Apr 25, 2012)

Yea im just wondering what the hell do i do now, how do i handle this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Gizmo04 said:


> Yea im just wondering what the hell do i do now, how do i handle this
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


VAR... keylogger... the usual suggestions


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Gizmo04 said:


> Yea im just wondering what the hell do i do now, how do i handle this
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You were a cop right? Have a friend follow her one night.


----------



## Gizmo04 (Apr 25, 2012)

Well ive pulled up deleted texts off her phone but there was nothing in there. However its easy to use a text messaging program to hide the numbers. I need a keylogger for iphone but no luck with that yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If you want to hook up with a random person at a bar you dont really need to text them.


----------



## Gizmo04 (Apr 25, 2012)

Yeah so im just kinda stuck other than following her, which is hard with my schedule.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Gizmo04 said:


> Yeah so im just kinda stuck other than following her, which is hard with my schedule.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Which comes first, your marriage or work?


----------



## Gizmo04 (Apr 25, 2012)

Obviously marriage however, i cant miss work to follow her. I can only hope to gatch her after i get off at midnight. I need something simple to track and log because accusing her results in a fight everytime.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are gonna need someone to follow her and see who she is meeting up with. That's where the issue is, not on her phone.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Try to find a GPS locally before she goes out. 

Do you have any friends where she hangs around?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

GPS her car. Lay low with the suspicions


----------



## Gizmo04 (Apr 25, 2012)

Yea thats my point, yes its suspicious behavior, but i dont have any concrete evidence. Its funny she wakes up today like nothings wrong and gets pissed at me for being upset
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

Gizmo04 said:


> Well some of you have followed my story with my wife going out to bars recently. Brief overview, basically shes been going out with people i dont know for a drink around midnight after work. I was ok with it when she first told me she was going out for a drink but she came home 3 hrs later at 2am. The second time it was a big fight, she said she wasnt going to go but she lied and told me she was at work anyways. She was apologetic the next day and she wasnt thinking clearly. So a few weeks go by and last night i told her i was probably going to be working late for the nato summit and luckily i got off and again she tells me shes going for a drink. I was calm and said i wasnt happy and i didnt understand why she refuses to hang out with her close friends and hangs out with these people. Of course it turned into a fight about how im controlling her. The issue is her not giving a crap about how i feel and i just dont know where to go from here. Something just doesnt feel right to me. Oh and btw when she told me she was going out she disabled the gps on her phone so she couldnt be tracked, that was a first
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You pack her bags and wait for her drunk ass to come home. Meet her outside and ask to see her phone, smash the phone, walk inside and let her discover that the locks have been changed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I don't think you need to catch her at anything, unless you believe she is in an affair (and if you think this, then yes, you should try to gather evidence of it, and then making sure it's pretty solid before confronting).

But let's back up, because this is an issue that is serious enough WITHOUT an affair.

From what you've written, your very understandable boundary in marriage is--and this is mine--no drinking in bars without you.

If you think that boundary is too extreme (and I think it's not--it's a very common one for married people to have), then you can modify it to suit your opinion, like, no drinking in bars without you after 6 pm, or 8pm, or 10 pm, whatever.

Or, no drinking in bars with people I don't know.

Or a combination of these.

My point is, she needs to come to terms with what it means to be married.

I suspect that she tells you you're controlling a fair amount of the time. That phrase, just so you know, translates into: I want to do what I want to do, I am not concerned about offending you or hurting you or disrespecting you, and I've found a phrase that can manipulate you and cower you into resigning yourself that I'm going to do what I want to do when I want to do it.

LeighRichwood on this forum recommends a book, Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend, I haven't read it, but I suspect it walks you through the process of setting marital boundaries with your spouse. If she refuses to sit down and do an exercise like that, or refuses marital counseling for the same purpose, she needs a much bigger wakeup call than you have so far been willing to give her.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Gizmo04 said:


> Well some of you have followed my story with my wife going out to bars recently. Brief overview, basically shes been going out with people i dont know for a drink around midnight after work. I was ok with it when she first told me she was going out for a drink but she came home 3 hrs later at 2am. The second time it was a big fight, she said she wasnt going to go but she lied and told me she was at work anyways. She was apologetic the next day and she wasnt thinking clearly. So a few weeks go by and last night i told her i was probably going to be working late for the nato summit and luckily i got off and again she tells me shes going for a drink. I was calm and said i wasnt happy and i didnt understand why she refuses to hang out with her close friends and hangs out with these people. Of course it turned into a fight about how im controlling her. *The issue is her not giving a crap about how i feel and i just dont know where to go from here. Something just doesnt feel right to me. Oh and btw when she told me she was going out she disabled the gps on her phone so she couldnt be tracked, that was a first*_Posted via Mobile Device_


oh what a childish behavior! Tell your wife to grow up!
That screams "I'm doing something wrong and I don't you to know it". 
I just don't get it what's wrong with these wives !!


----------



## Gizmo04 (Apr 25, 2012)

I only wish she could understand this. I havent talked to her in 2 days because she refuses to apologize. Ive said all i needed to say to her about it, but its up to her to rectify the situation
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*Obviously marriage however, i cant miss work to follow her.*

Why not? You can't call in sick one day, make believe you're going to work, follow her to the bar, and watch where she goes with the gps turned off? For one night? Wouldn't this give you a much better of idea if it's just drinks or something far worse?


----------



## Gizmo04 (Apr 25, 2012)

Ha working for a police dept thats within 5 miles of her work would be a risk. When she goes out the next time i grt off work ill follow. Im looking into just buying a tracker that cant be turned off to put in her phone and will pull all the data from it. However, it runs about $300
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gizmo04 (Apr 25, 2012)

Her life is her phone so im confident it can give me the right info
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Do you have any PI friend? Instead of spending $$ on gadgets it might be more efficient for someone else to follow her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Do you think she is cheating on you?

Or do you just not like her going out partying late?


----------



## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Just want to have you think about another reason these things may be going on with her behavior.

Yeah it could be the usual cheating but there is something about your post that makes me wonder if your wife is an addict? When one is out feeding their addiction they avoid people in their life that they normally would hang out with picking up new friends who won't shame them and in fact helps them feed the addiction. They hide their where about and will do anything to avoid being exposed. Much like a cheater but something makes me think that there is a small chance that your wife may be an addict. 
Toss that around to see if may be it fits. The cheating is possible but so is the addiction.


----------



## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Vanton68 said:


> You pack her bags and wait for her drunk ass to come home. Meet her outside and ask to see her phone, smash the phone, walk inside and let her discover that the locks have been changed
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Vanton68 not really a good idea, bit of an extreme reaction! Maybe if actual evidence of an affair was discovered then opt for this.
I dont know what to tell you Gizmo04, maybe she is just enjoying the partying at your expence? :scratchhead: Maybe she is meeting up with someone there. I hope not.
Either way, the only way you will know anything is to either send the P.I in like others are suggesting, or have a friend blend in at the bar and have them keep an eye on her and report back to you? Maybe someone she hasn't seen much of and wouldn't notice in a busy bar?


----------



## Gizmo04 (Apr 25, 2012)

@sunny its more of maybe shes cheating, however i dont like her going out with a group of guys and girls i dont know. Everything just feels off, shes not as responsive, very edgy. I just cant shake the feeling that there is more going on then i know
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Fair enough... I just hate to see her crucified if it's just a difference of opinion about going out. 

Why not invite yourself along next time she says she is going out? She might get defensive, but tell her you miss her and just want to have some fun with her.


----------



## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

christ your a freakin cop...if anyone knows how to play games it cops,,find out where she's drinking and have one of your cop buddies pull her over for dui, that will slow or stop this crap.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

If you're a cop, you know d!cks GPS cars of subjects of investigations all the time. Do it.

Put a VAR under her seat and you can hear her getting to know new guys better out in the parking lot. Just don't get caught doing it. Especially in Chicagoland.


----------



## Rocco (May 20, 2012)

I know and have used a pager sized GPS with a car (12v) tie in. Not naming brands to violate terms here but you can get it at a big box store or shack store.
Personally I couldn't live without that trust. It may just be an 'emotional affair' with several aspects in play. Feeling she missed out on that lifestyle. But I would not act out even if going nuts. Suggest doing the same things together and ask why not? Be truthfully about how you feel but leave the personal "you" words out, quietly state, "I feel" instead.


----------

