# One week after exposing the affair



## synergy1981

One week ago I confronted my wife about having an affair and she confirmed it. She works in a super high stress, high prestige job and the affair is someone in her office. Their work is only a year long and it is largely confidential so I can't really discuss much of it with her. The job ends in june (good news) but then she is free to move wherever (bad news) They work between 12-14 hours per day with about 40 other people and worked more closely on a big successful project together in early February. The affair started sometime after that. In February, my wife experienced three big deaths, 1 family friend. 1 a co worker, 1 a family member, all within a three week period. We got into a bunch of fights around this time related to the stress of the deaths, and I thought something was going on with her so was not as supportive as maybe I could have been. Turns out these two have been running together for for an hour everyday at work. And meeting up on weekends when I thought she was going into the office. (When I thought they were working at the office) to do whatever. Now I confront her. She tells me she is in love with this guy (after 2-3 months), and wants a divorce. My wife is a deeply religious person who has up until this point, never believed in divorce. Both our parents are together for 30plus years. We have been married for nearly 4 years, together for 6, and at least through December, she was signing the praises of how I was the most supportive husband ever.

I want my wife back. Both the OP and my Wife's jobs end at the end of June. He told his wife of 6 years (dating for 10) that he wants a divorce and is moving with my wife to her hometown when they finish their job in a few months. My wife is 31, he is 31, his wife is 31. According to both of them, they have not slept together, they have kissed, been over our houses a number of times but have not had sex (my wife waited until marriage to have sex, but i am 99% sure they are sleeping together). In December we started trying to have kids, but stopped in early February because my wife was worried the stress of the job might cause a miscarriage (a good friend had just had a miscarriage a few weeks before).

I sent out an email to all her family and friends letting them know about the affair and asking for them to help me get my wife back. Honestly it seems to crazy to me. 2 months, high stress, deaths, etc and winds up with someone from the office---its like a bad novel. Her mom is coming into town last week immediately after she found out and she told her mom she was acting crazy, was going to stop seeing this guy until after their jobs were over since if this got out at work it would ruin her career (she has very high aspirations). OM Wife initially wanted to work it out but has since kicked him out of the house. His parents think he is sick (previous bouts with depression and anxiety), and are getting him his own place to "recover". My wife told her family she needed some space and was going to stay with family friends for this week. On Sunday night she packed two bags and I know she had dinner with this guy and went to his hotel for a while before eventually going to stay at her relatives empty house. She lied to her mom and said she wasn't with him and was taking this week to "find herself" but they are commuting to work together. Her mom believes her. 

I have not told her coworkers yet because if I did, it would likely make the news or at least the gossip. I would prefer to keep her professional reputation as intact as possible but I can't believe that a week after exposing the affair to her family and friends, she is still carrying on like this. 

I am lost as to what to do to get my wife back and would appreciate any thoughts.


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## eric1

The simple answer?

You can't do anything to "get her back". She's made a decision to unilaterally dissolve the marriage partnership.

It's horribly unfair, but life isn't fair. I'll have more to post in a little bit but step number one is realizing that from hereon out you're fighting for you first. You're a victim of a very cruel type of abuse and you need to be aware of that. Without that knowledge, nothing else is going to make sense over the upcoming weeks,


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## MrsAldi

@synergy1981 Hi, I'm sorry you're in this situation. 
If you're determined to save your marriage, you might have to let her go through this "phase" with the OM. 
There primary bond is work, once the job ends & they begin live the day to day drudgery of a relationship, it may all fault apart & she may come back to you.
Meanwhile I suggest you should try the 180 & focus on looking after yourself because right now your wife doesn't care about you & the more you beg, plead & cry the more she goes towards OM. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## rrrbbbttt

Expose to all, do 180.


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## rrrbbbttt

If company has a non-fraternization policy, file suit for not enforcing their code of conduct.


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## kenmoore14217

..............and at least through December, she was signing the praises of how I was the most supportive husband ever.

Marriage is a little like a Sales job. Meaning: Sales Manager (read Wife) always asking what have you done for me TODAY !


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## OnTheRocks

If no kids, file immediately and count your blessings that he took her off your hands. 

I would expose to everyone except her employer. Keep that as a bargaining chip. Plus, if you divorce and she is unemployed, you could be on the hook for/more alimony.


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## MJJEAN

She lied, cheated, and says she wants a divorce to be with her OM. She believes they are in love and is bo bonded to him that she is willing to lie to you and even to her own mother. Either they really are in love or it's a typical affair that will eventually collapse under the weight of real life. All you can do is let nature take it's course.

She waited until marriage to have sex with you, but is almost certainly having an adulterous sexual relationship with OM. That should tell you something.

Depression/Anxiety and/or the deaths of loved ones are not lobotomies. Do NOT make excuses for her behavior. Or his. She may have been grieving, but she still knew right from wrong. Especially considering that when people die, most religious folks start thinking about God, Heaven, the immortal soul, sin, ect. 

I was a wayward wife, myself. I ended up leaving the marriage to be with my final OM. We've been a couple for 16 years. 13 of those married. Kids, dogs, mortgage, bills and our relationship is as hot and passionate as it was in the beginning. So, while the vast majority of relationships that begin as affairs fail, some do not. And even if the relationship between them does fizzle, that doesn't mean she would want to come back to you. She may find she is happier with OM, by herself, or in another relationship with a different man.

The best thing you can do is let her go. If you are truly willing to forgive her and work on reconciling, tell her that. And then start doing the 180. Move on with your life. If she comes back and wants to reconcile, asses the situation then. If not, you've moved on and haven't wasted precious time on someone who doesn't love you.


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## SunCMars

rrrbbbttt said:


> If company has a non-fraternization policy, file suit for not enforcing their code of conduct.


Do this if you want revenge.

What she did was reprehensible and it requires some sort of response.

Release the Kraken. She ate your soul and spit it back in your face. 

She also did you a favor.....she dumped you, childless. 
Oh yeah, that is why she did not want try for a child with you a few months ago.

These things happen. Lucky, you are still young.

The POSOM sounds like a real catch. As others have said, she may tire of him and want to come back. Look in the mirror and repeat NO FREAKIN WAY!

Serve her with divorce papers, immediately. Do the 180. Do not talk to her. Text her if something *must be communicated*. 

Go dark.

Sorry about this crap.


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## ButtPunch

I recommend you just let her go. 

However, if you aren't ready to do that I would expose to her work.


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## the guy

So your old lady is sleeping with this guy and you want her back.

Your wife has to be thinking this is why she doesn't respect you you.

She walks all over a so called man and he still want her....I bet her new lover would never stand for that kind a crap?

I bet her new lover has so much confidence and respect from your old lady he gets it any way he wants it.

My point is if you want to save your marriage have some self respect and show your old lady you are done with her.

It time to raise your attraction level and stop begging and crying for this women.

Chicks dig confident guys!

Start being a guy that will never be a door mat to any women that has this kind of disrespect towards you.

Letting her just might save your marriage but at the very least she will rrspect you for it.

It sucks but you have done nothing to make her think twice it what she is about to lose or second guess what kind of man she is giving up.

It's sad but every time you beg her to come back it just validates her choice to leave.


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## Lostinthought61

I read your Story in SI, and frankly i have say that you i disagree with your approach, you not standing up like a man, but instead willing to grovel to get her back, and place yourself as plan B, don't you think it should be the other way around that it should be her groveling to come back in your life? As other have noted here, expose this to the company, you must show her that a real man will not put up this crap, and that you have the balls to see this through. and then move on to some who is willing to be by yourself...and for god sake, stress is no excuse for an affair.


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## zzzman99

rrrbbbttt said:


> Expose to all, do 180.


Scorch the Earth. Tell the employer. Might be the only chance you have if you really want her back.


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## Marduk

Get a lawyer and change the locks. 

Stop chasing your soon to be ex wife. In fact, stop talking to her altogether. 

There is a very remote chance she will seek reconciliation, and this is the only path that I've seen work. 

But it must be on your terms if it is to work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice

OP,
Whomever you thought you knew as the woman you married is either dead or never really existed. Why do you want her back? She will only repeat her behavior throughout the remainder of your time together. It does not feel that way to you now but you have been spared much heartache by not having to look at your children's faces during all of this. Take this as a lesson learned and work on yourself. Find a true life partner and live happily ever after, the odds are stacked heavily against her doing so.


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## GuyInColorado

Yep, you need to work on yourself. It's not healthy for you to be begging her to come back after what's she done to you. 

Your wife is fcking some other dude right now and you are BEGGING for her to be your wife again and carry on with your happy life. Let that sink in.

You need to file for divorce today and kick her out of the house. Everyone is giving you good advice, don't waste it!

Your new life starts NOW!


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## Evinrude58

Facts as presented:

You were a good husband.
Your wife met a man at work and started banging him. Yes, he's been banging her for a while now. I'll bet you weren't getting much or any sex since this thing with the OM started. Don't say 99% sure. She is. She is a lying, backstabbing adulterer. Don't say she was this and that until NOW. You just didn't know the real her until NOW.

She AND he are divorcing their spouses to be together. Great. LET HER GO.
I know how hard it is. I know it rips you up and you dread the nightmare that every day consists of as far as pain. But realize that your marriage is OVER. It is OVER. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE in this.
You have got to accept it, you've got to get over the pain, and you have got to move on (as in go forward with your life). You have to, or you will just wallow in agony. Acceptance is hugely important and equally hard to reach.

Just realize that the woman you married and thought you knew, and the person you see as your wife now are NOT THE SAME person. You are probably shaking your head saying to yourself, "yes, they're right---she doesn't seem like the same person". Like someone kidnapped them and just a body that looks like your wife is there, right?
No, she's the same person. She's just missing the love she once had for you, and the sad fact as regardless what happens, it's NOT COMING BACK. If you want to drive out any shred of feeling from her, just keep groveling and giving her attention, and trying to get her back. It will repulse her and she'll run even faster.

Sir, you are really in need of the following action:
File for divorce NOW, this means get a lawyer. NOW. Not tomorrow, NOW. NOW NOW NOW NOW.

Expose her at work, NOW. Forget the consequences of her losing her job. It will be worth it. It's what I'd do. Reasons: 1. revenge. Yes, I dig it. She deserves it because I know what you're feeling and it is unbearable, and from what you say, you were a good husband. 2. Exposure will sometimes ruin the flavor of the affair. I dig that, too. 3. The other man will be burnt as well, and he deserves it also. He will be jobless and wifeless. I don't care if someone thinks I'm a bad person, I'm telling you I would feel better in your shoes, watching his life disintegrate, knowing he and she disintegrated mine. Just the facts.

Last of all, I'd consider getting on some zoloft if your mind is as screwed up as mine was when this happened to me. I was having panic attacks and bad thoughts. IT helped. ANd it's not addictive and such. I took myself off of it in about a month and have had no harmful side effects. This stuff can be so gut wrenching, you can't think straight. Get some help. You need it.

The one thing I feel particularly bad about is the groveling and pleading and accepting of all the blame in my wife's cheating, adulterous activities. She TAUGHT me to blame myself. She was never at fault in any way, says it to this day. It stole my dignity and left me ashamed of myself. Don't do this. Send her on her merry way and do it with a foot up her arse. She's going to leave anyway. That's just how this works. I'll bet you've gotten the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech, or another version of it. It's not you--it's me. That's a good one as well. I'm not attracted to you anymore. Whatever. Let her go. Keep your soul.
JMO


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## jsmart

Definitely just file. good riddance. I agree with others not to make excuses for her cheating. Instead of turning to her husband in the time of sorrow, she runs to another man's bed. 

You're not going to make sense of it. Her supposedly being religious is just an act. You have judge a person by there actions, especially during tough times not their words during the good.

At 31, you are young and haven't even reached your prime. Mourn the death of the marriage as you prepare yourself mentally and physically to move on. If you work on yourself, I promise you, by the time the ink dries on your divorce decree you'll be meeting younger, hotter women. Do the work and she'll soon be a person you used to know.


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## badmemory

synergy1981 said:


> I want my wife back.


You want the person back you thought your wife was. That person no longer exists; and you need to just accept that. You're not going to be able to "nice" her back as she loses all respect for you for groveling. The more you chase the more she will run.

Implement the 180 to detach from her. In fact there's no need to even talk to her unless she initiates a conversation that begins with her telling you, that she is no longer in contact with this POSOM.

Don't believe her lies about not having sex with him. She's insulting your intelligence, adding insult to injury.

Talk to an attorney and start the divorce process.

Separate your finances.

Assume she's not coming back and plan your future accordingly.

If those actions don't cause her to turn around, there's nothing else that will; and you'll have a jump start on getting past her betrayal and starting a new life.

If for some unlikely reason she does turn around; don't agree to R. Check back here for advice first. She'd likely be doing it for the wrong reasons - like getting dumped by the POSOM.


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## Capster

eric1 said:


> The simple answer?
> 
> You can't do anything to "get her back". She's made a decision to unilaterally dissolve the marriage partnership.
> 
> It's horribly unfair, but life isn't fair. I'll have more to post in a little bit but step number one is realizing that from hereon out you're fighting for you first. You're a victim of a very cruel type of abuse and you need to be aware of that. Without that knowledge, nothing else is going to make sense over the upcoming weeks,


He can't do anything to get her back? WTF kind of advice is this? So I suppose reconciliation is impossible for every couple that has gone through this? Ridiculous notion.


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## badmemory

Capster said:


> He can't do anything to get her back? WTF kind of advice is this?


What kind? Good.

*She* has to be the one to do "something" if she wants him to even consider R.


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## Capster

You CAN save this marriage. It'll be a long haul (2-5 years), but it can be done. But not while she has access to POSOM. POSOM is like her drug right now, so she can't go through withdrawal until her drug is taken away. There are more nuclear ways to do this - contact his parents and ask them to keep their son away from your wife so that you can save your marriage, letter to employer telling them that they are having an affair on company time, etc. But if you plan on waiting until their job ends in June, you can forget about doing anything. The affair drug is too powerful.


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## Capster

badmemory said:


> What kind? Good.
> 
> *She* has to be the one to do "something" if she wants him to even consider R.


She CAN'T while she's on this drug called POSOM. You don't treat an addict by giving them free access to drugs and tell them to come back when they're done.


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## Thound

You may not believe me, but she did you a big favor. She showed you what a big steaming pile of fecal she really is without saddling you with kids. Grow a set and move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Capster

Thound said:


> You may not believe me, but she did you a big favor. She showed you what a big steaming pile of fecal she really is *without saddling you with kids*. Grow a set and move on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now that might be the one great reason for doing nothing.


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## jb02157

Are you sure you actually want her back after all that? Since she won't be changing jobs just be given another high stress project I think this might be part of a process, a different guy per project. She doesn't seem to be that sorry for what she did, if she was really into coming back, she should have came to you offering full disclosure on everything. I think that you really should consider letting her workplace know about what happened and damage her career so she would be forced into a job change. I wouldn't be surprised if she thinks she deserves better than you since she has all of these high aspriations. She needs to be taken off of that pedistal she's on and brought back to reality.


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## SadSamIAm

You can save your marriage by not putting up with her in an affair. Be as strong as you can be. Tell her love her, but you will not share her. Then go dark. 

She needs to respect you. She needs to want you. Neither of these things will happen if you are available to her while she is in an affair. 

The weaker you are, the more attractive the other man will be to her. 

Be firm. She needs to be away from the OM now or divorce. She will say no. Get divorce papers ready and hand them to her. It can't be a bluff. If she chooses him, then you need to file for divorce. This is the only way to save your marriage. 

Being weak and letting her play will cause two things:

1) She will leave you for him
2) She will come back, but will do the same thing again (because she knows you will take it)

Be strong. So sorry you are having to go through this.


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## GuyInColorado

Capster said:


> She CAN'T while she's on this drug called POSOM. You don't treat an addict by giving them free access to drugs and tell them to come back when they're done.


What healthy person would want an addict as their spouse? 

Common, once a cheater always a cheater. She clearly doesn't love her husband. Who wants to be with someone that doesn't love you or thinks your're attractive? I'll tell you who... desperate people who don't think they'll find another mate or they need the $$ their cheating spouse brings to the joint bank account. WEAK PEOPLE!


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## Rubix Cubed

Evinrude58 said:


> Facts as presented:
> 
> You were a good husband.
> Your wife met a man at work and started banging him. Yes, he's been banging her for a while now. I'll bet you weren't getting much or any sex since this thing with the OM started. Don't say 99% sure. She is. She is a lying, backstabbing adulterer. Don't say she was this and that until NOW. You just didn't know the real her until NOW.
> 
> She AND he are divorcing their spouses to be together. Great. LET HER GO.
> I know how hard it is. I know it rips you up and you dread the nightmare that every day consists of as far as pain. But realize that your marriage is OVER. It is OVER. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE in this.
> You have got to accept it, you've got to get over the pain, and you have got to move on (as in go forward with your life). You have to, or you will just wallow in agony. Acceptance is hugely important and equally hard to reach.
> 
> Just realize that the woman you married and thought you knew, and the person you see as your wife now are NOT THE SAME person. You are probably shaking your head saying to yourself, "yes, they're right---she doesn't seem like the same person". Like someone kidnapped them and just a body that looks like your wife is there, right?
> No, she's the same person. She's just missing the love she once had for you, and the sad fact as regardless what happens, it's NOT COMING BACK. If you want to drive out any shred of feeling from her, just keep groveling and giving her attention, and trying to get her back. It will repulse her and she'll run even faster.
> 
> Sir, you are really in need of the following action:
> File for divorce NOW, this means get a lawyer. NOW. Not tomorrow, NOW. NOW NOW NOW NOW.
> 
> Expose her at work, NOW. Forget the consequences of her losing her job. It will be worth it. It's what I'd do. Reasons: 1. revenge. Yes, I dig it. She deserves it because I know what you're feeling and it is unbearable, and from what you say, you were a good husband. 2. Exposure will sometimes ruin the flavor of the affair. I dig that, too. 3. The other man will be burnt as well, and he deserves it also. He will be jobless and wifeless. I don't care if someone thinks I'm a bad person, I'm telling you I would feel better in your shoes, watching his life disintegrate, knowing he and she disintegrated mine. Just the facts.
> 
> Last of all, I'd consider getting on some zoloft if your mind is as screwed up as mine was when this happened to me. I was having panic attacks and bad thoughts. IT helped. ANd it's not addictive and such. I took myself off of it in about a month and have had no harmful side effects. This stuff can be so gut wrenching, you can't think straight. Get some help. You need it.
> 
> The one thing I feel particularly bad about is the groveling and pleading and accepting of all the blame in my wife's cheating, adulterous activities. She TAUGHT me to blame myself. She was never at fault in any way, says it to this day. It stole my dignity and left me ashamed of myself. Don't do this. Send her on her merry way and do it with a foot up her arse. She's going to leave anyway. That's just how this works. I'll bet you've gotten the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech, or another version of it. It's not you--it's me. That's a good one as well. I'm not attracted to you anymore. Whatever. Let her go. Keep your soul.
> JMO


 Evinrude58 summed up everything I was going to say perfectly. Read his post over and over until you absorb every word of it. 
I read your story over on SI also, and all I have to add to the above is that she did you the best favor she could by only wasting 4/6 years of your life. Expose and File.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

This is sound advice. You cannot nice a wayward spouse back. Play the "pick me" game you will lose every time. Been in your shoes and it is not a place I care to be in again. 

You must detach from her. You have got to knock her out of the fog. EXPOSURE! Employer, friends,family. I did this and my FWW did not realize the impact of her actions until then. We had been married almost 30 years when I caught her. I went scorched earth for a few days. POSOM was a fellow sales staff at her workplace. I got his ass terminated. 

I am pleased to report I am in fifth month of r and going well. 

If it is r you want you must be firm and detach after exposure. Do not be timid. You have to be a bull in a china shop and the avoid contact.

Listen to these folks on here. Helped me immensely. 

Be strong!


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## sidney2718

zzzman99 said:


> Scorch the Earth. Tell the employer. Might be the only chance you have if you really want her back.


Telling the employer might destroy her career. That may be good revenge but it will hardly bring her back.


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## GuyInColorado

sidney2718 said:


> Telling the employer might destroy her career. That may be good revenge but it will hardly bring her back.


Sounds like she makes big bucks too $$... can use that to get a nice settlement. You have to look out for yourself right now. If she can send you off with $250K to start a new life, don't get her fired. He needs to speak with an attorney.


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## synergy1981

I honestly can't expose them to their employers. They would both get fired and it would likely make the national press and might impact a lot of things unrelated to our marriage that would have profound ramifications. I just can't do it. I would have thought that exposing the affair to her whole family, her very religious and devout life mentors, etc would have done the trick.


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## Evinrude58

GuyInColorado said:


> Sounds like she makes big bucks too $$... can use that to get a nice settlement. You have to look out for yourself right now. If she can send you off with $250K to start a new life, don't get her fired. He needs to speak with an attorney.


I agree. I'd still do it, but I'm an idiot. Yes, don't get her fired.


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## sidney2718

Here's the way I look at it. Often in a workplace affair like this the other man is just in it for kicks and he often with throw the wandering wife under a truck.

This one however is convinced that he's in love with your wife and is willing to blow up his marriage to be with her. That's not enormously common. What it indicates is that they are very close emotionally (meaning they've probably had more than a little sex) and are working for a common goal.

So the game is already lost.

There is a small chance that actual life with another man, you know, taking out the garbage, dealing with snoring, and so on, will take the bloom off the affair and bring her back.

My advice would be to act in your own self-interest. Revenge doesn't help, it is even sinful. But what you can do is ask her to leave your home and then you file for divorce. She'll be interested in getting divorced quickly and with a minimum of emotion. Why? Because she hasn't lived with you all this long without having feelings for you. Use that to your benefit. If she earns more than you do, she might even have to pay you alimony.

And oh yes, get yourself into counselling right away.

What do you get out of this? Freedom and a chance to heal more quickly than you would if you dragged the divorce out for several years.

You have a lot of life ahead of you. And you will have learned a valuable lesson about love.


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## ButtPunch

synergy1981 said:


> I honestly can't expose them to their employers. They would both get fired and it would likely make the national press and might impact a lot of things unrelated to our marriage that would have profound ramifications. I just can't do it. I would have thought that exposing the affair to her whole family, her very religious and devout life mentors, etc would have done the trick.


Then you should just go ahead and file and start the 180.


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## Sparta

Okay so you're worried about money over your marriage ok I guess just sit back watch the OM and your wife start a whole new life together... Ok I would pull the pin to that Gernade, expose the affair completely... Knock them out of the fog... Get a lawyer and file for divorce now not later now..! Do the 180 i'm sorry that you're in the situation


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## Lostinthought61

I honestly think your giving your wife's importance more credence then she or the OM deserve, and unless your wife's name is Hillary and your name is Bill, i wouldn't much care, but that is your life, then the best strategy here is to file for divorce and tell her what you want or you will rat her out to the company..at least you can play that card..and you know she will sign anything you put in front of her, and will also make her realize that you mean business.


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## MattMatt

synergy1981 said:


> One week ago I confronted my wife about having an affair and she confirmed it. She works in a super high stress, high prestige job and the affair is someone in her office. Their work is only a year long and it is largely confidential so I can't really discuss much of it with her. The job ends in june (good news) but then she is free to move wherever (bad news) They work between 12-14 hours per day with about 40 other people and worked more closely on a big successful project together in early February. The affair started sometime after that. In February, my wife experienced three big deaths, 1 family friend. 1 a co worker, 1 a family member, all within a three week period. We got into a bunch of fights around this time related to the stress of the deaths, and I thought something was going on with her so was not as supportive as maybe I could have been. Turns out these two have been running together for for an hour everyday at work. And meeting up on weekends when I thought she was going into the office. (When I thought they were working at the office) to do whatever. Now I confront her. She tells me she is in love with this guy (after 2-3 months), and wants a divorce. My wife is a deeply religious person who has up until this point, never believed in divorce. Both our parents are together for 30plus years. We have been married for nearly 4 years, together for 6, and at least through December, she was signing the praises of how I was the most supportive husband ever.
> 
> I want my wife back. Both the OP and my Wife's jobs end at the end of June. He told his wife of 6 years (dating for 10) that he wants a divorce and is moving with my wife to her hometown when they finish their job in a few months. My wife is 31, he is 31, his wife is 31. According to both of them, they have not slept together, they have kissed, been over our houses a number of times but have not had sex (my wife waited until marriage to have sex, but i am 99% sure they are sleeping together). In December we started trying to have kids, but stopped in early February because my wife was worried the stress of the job might cause a miscarriage (a good friend had just had a miscarriage a few weeks before).
> 
> I sent out an email to all her family and friends letting them know about the affair and asking for them to help me get my wife back. Honestly it seems to crazy to me. 2 months, high stress, deaths, etc and winds up with someone from the office---its like a bad novel. Her mom is coming into town last week immediately after she found out and she told her mom she was acting crazy, was going to stop seeing this guy until after their jobs were over since if this got out at work it would ruin her career (she has very high aspirations). OM Wife initially wanted to work it out but has since kicked him out of the house. His parents think he is sick (previous bouts with depression and anxiety), and are getting him his own place to "recover". My wife told her family she needed some space and was going to stay with family friends for this week. On Sunday night she packed two bags and I know she had dinner with this guy and went to his hotel for a while before eventually going to stay at her relatives empty house. She lied to her mom and said she wasn't with him and was taking this week to "find herself" but they are commuting to work together. Her mom believes her.
> 
> I have not told her coworkers yet because if I did, it would likely make the news or at least the gossip. I would prefer to keep her professional reputation as intact as possible but I can't believe that a week after exposing the affair to her family and friends, she is still carrying on like this.
> 
> I am lost as to what to do to get my wife back and would appreciate any thoughts.


Amd they haven't had sex yet? So what? According to her Bible they have already committed adultery. 

Report them to their employer. ASAP.

That might cause them some 'difficulties?' 

As Battery Sergeant Major "Shut Up" Williams would say in "It Ain't Half Hot, Mum":-

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4uivPpzCGo

*"Oh dear, how sad, never mind."*


----------



## drifter777

So they take an hour per day to kiss but not have sex? That's a fairy tale and should be an insult to your intelligence. 

Anyway, she's done with the marriage so just call a lawyer and get the divorce moving. We've all been where you are now and I know you are hurting but you will heal. And the best way is to accept reality and start moving forward. If you stay amicable with her the divorce settlement shouldn't take more than a couple days and it's all over but the final papers. Be strong and push ahead and know that you will be fine without her.


----------



## Evinrude58

They haven't had sex yet.

Really? How can liars like this say such bs with a straight face? Surely she was at least smiling when she said that?

My nephew told me he showered with his gf but they didn't have sex.
Uh huh. He confessed years later. I told him in really didn't need that to have "closure" lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

GUARANTEED they have had sex.

You need to get STD tested right away.

Then you need to kick her out of your house and tell her you do not want to speak to her until she can prove to you that she's worth your time. Then do not talk to her in any way shape or form until she comes grovelling back to you.

But do not hold your breath and wait for this to happen - it probably won't. Your marriage is probably over. Conduct yourself accordingly. If, on the off chance, she actually DOES come grovelling back, then you can consider giver her the gift of R.


----------



## dash74

Home work completion list

No kids: X

31: X

Wife moved out: X

Stop being plan B: 0

Start devorce: 0

Start dating her single frenemies: 0

Do something for you be greedy with it: 0

Dance out of courtroom to this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Zbi0XmGtMw : 0


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## Evinrude58

I day move on. No reason to do anything else. This woman has proven beyond any doubt that she doesn't love you. Why waste any more of your short life on her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

synergy1981 said:


> I honestly can't expose them to their employers. *They would both get fired* and *it would likely make the national press* and *might impact a lot of things unrelated to our marriage that would have profound ramifications.* I just can't do it. I would have thought that exposing the affair to her whole family, her very religious and devout life mentors, etc would have done the trick.


Those three key points that I highlighted?_ They are nothing to do with you._

They are not your concern, nor are they your problem.

You see, if the ramifications will likely be as huge as you believe, why would they have been stupid enough to start the affair in the first place?:scratchhead:


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Capster said:


> He can't do anything to get her back? WTF kind of advice is this? So I suppose reconciliation is impossible for every couple that has gone through this? Ridiculous notion.


See this is called a logical fallacy based argument. Eric was talking about THIS specific thread and not all couples (red herring) who go through an infidelity crisis. She has made her choice and no matter what HE DOES, the choice is now in his wife's hands. He never said it was impossible (straw man) for couples to reconcile.


----------



## ThePheonix

drifter777 said:


> So they take an hour per day to kiss but not have sex? That's a fairy tale and should be an insult to your intelligence.


She's telling him what he wants to hear to protect herself and keep her options open and her planned timeline. He's more than willing to help her do that because:


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Capster said:


> She CAN'T while she's on this drug called POSOM. You don't treat an addict by giving them free access to drugs and tell them to come back when they're done.


I don't think we read the same thread. He exposed to family, exposed to friends, exposed to OM's wife, asked her family for help and she lied to them all by continuing the contact. So, how is HE giving her free access? He's supposed to tie her up and throw in a tower guarded by a dragon?

Nope, quitting the job is an option ONCE reconciliation is on the table. If it is nowhere near, she moved out, then it is in his best interest to keep her working and enact the revenge I stated earlier.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Sorry, forgot I didn't post my advice. Here's my advice, do not expose to the company......Yet.

People get mad, but you are now acting in your own best interest. I disagree, revenge is great if it is not emotional and is only calculating. She doesn't want the company to know, then tell her to give you an uncontested amicable divorce. Then you actually File for divorce, don't be a wimp and sue for alimony. Get as much out of the division of assets as you can.


----------



## Marc878

synergy1981 said:


> I honestly can't expose them to their employers. They would both get fired and it would likely make the national press and might impact a lot of things unrelated to our marriage that would have profound ramifications. I just can't do it. I would have thought that exposing the affair to her whole family, her very religious and devout life mentors, etc would have done the trick.


If her job and career is more important than you and the marriage then you have your answer. File and move on with your life. As long as they work together the sexual affair continues. 

You've been on 3 different forums and have gotten the same advice that you refuse to follow. These scripts all follow the same lines. 

The ones who come out of this best get strong and get rid of their fear. That's your big problem you are affraid you'll push her away. She's already gone.


----------



## Marc878

sidney2718 said:


> Telling the employer might destroy her career. That may be good revenge but it will hardly bring her back.


Not revenge it's called consequences for having an affair at work.

It's a good excuse if you don't have the guts to stand up and tell the truth.


----------



## GusPolinski

synergy1981 said:


> One week ago I confronted my wife about having an affair and she confirmed it. She works in a super high stress, high prestige job and the affair is someone in her office. Their work is only a year long and it is largely confidential so I can't really discuss much of it with her. The job ends in june (good news) but then she is free to move wherever (bad news) They work between 12-14 hours per day with about 40 other people and worked more closely on a big successful project together in early February. The affair started sometime after that. In February, my wife experienced three big deaths, 1 family friend. 1 a co worker, 1 a family member, all within a three week period. We got into a bunch of fights around this time related to the stress of the deaths, and I thought something was going on with her so was not as supportive as maybe I could have been. Turns out these two have been running together for for an hour everyday at work. And meeting up on weekends when I thought she was going into the office. (When I thought they were working at the office) to do whatever. Now I confront her. She tells me she is in love with this guy (after 2-3 months), and wants a divorce. My wife is a deeply religious person who has up until this point, never believed in divorce. Both our parents are together for 30plus years. We have been married for nearly 4 years, together for 6, and at least through December, she was signing the praises of how I was the most supportive husband ever.
> 
> I want my wife back. Both the OP and my Wife's jobs end at the end of June. He told his wife of 6 years (dating for 10) that he wants a divorce and is moving with my wife to her hometown when they finish their job in a few months. My wife is 31, he is 31, his wife is 31. According to both of them, they have not slept together, they have kissed, been over our houses a number of times but have not had sex (my wife waited until marriage to have sex, but i am 99% sure they are sleeping together). In December we started trying to have kids, but stopped in early February because my wife was worried the stress of the job might cause a miscarriage (a good friend had just had a miscarriage a few weeks before).
> 
> I sent out an email to all her family and friends letting them know about the affair and asking for them to help me get my wife back. Honestly it seems to crazy to me. 2 months, high stress, deaths, etc and winds up with someone from the office---its like a bad novel. Her mom is coming into town last week immediately after she found out and she told her mom she was acting crazy, was going to stop seeing this guy until after their jobs were over since if this got out at work it would ruin her career (she has very high aspirations). OM Wife initially wanted to work it out but has since kicked him out of the house. His parents think he is sick (previous bouts with depression and anxiety), and are getting him his own place to "recover". My wife told her family she needed some space and was going to stay with family friends for this week. On Sunday night she packed two bags and I know she had dinner with this guy and went to his hotel for a while before eventually going to stay at her relatives empty house. She lied to her mom and said she wasn't with him and was taking this week to "find herself" but they are commuting to work together. Her mom believes her.
> 
> I have not told her coworkers yet because if I did, it would likely make the news or at least the gossip. I would prefer to keep her professional reputation as intact as possible but I can't believe that a week after exposing the affair to her family and friends, she is still carrying on like this.
> 
> I am lost as to what to do to get my wife back and would appreciate any thoughts.


Why bother? 

Together less than 10 years and no kids?

Cut her loose and let them have one another.

And besides, if the family exposure wasn't enough to end the affair, she's already as good as gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Augusto

Fvck this chick. You ruin her damn career. Start a 180 and no kids so you 86 your ace out now. On the way out you commence the scorched earth policy. Fvck up her life and career. B1tch tainted your marraige. You make sure everyone in the future knows it.


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## synergy1981

I should add, we have a prenup. There's no alimony. There will be no alimony. We split marital assets. Both keep what we came into marriage with (including debts). She will get a LARGE bonus after her job is over and she accepts a new one. Job will be over in July, will likely start another one in Sept-November


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## Augusto

Ok I am not done. If you want her back, you say she stays with you or it becomes public. It's not that hard. Why are you not going this route?Why do they get what they want and not you?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

I Really think they need to be exposed to their employer. Get a good attorney and sue the employer. Do not rollover and play dead. Man up, don't mouse out.


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## Augusto

synergy1981 said:


> I should add, we have a prenup. There's no alimony. There will be no alimony. We split marital assets. Both keep what we came into marriage with (including debts). She will get a LARGE bonus after her job is over and she accepts a new one. Job will be over in July, will likely start another one in Sept-November


Sounds like you just came into some bonus money if she does not want this information to get out.


----------



## Augusto

Lonely husband 42301 said:


> I Really think they need to be exposed to their employer. Get a good attorney and sue the employer. Do not rollover and play dead. Man up, don't mouse out.


 This this this this!!!!


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## synergy1981

Augusto said:


> This this this this!!!!



ha, suing the employer. believe me when I tell you that it is not an option.


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## GusPolinski

synergy1981 said:


> I should add, we have a prenup. There's no alimony. There will be no alimony. We split marital assets. Both keep what we came into marriage with (including debts). She will get a LARGE bonus after her job is over and she accepts a new one. Job will be over in July, will likely start another one in Sept-November


File for divorce the day after the check clears.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Slow Hand

Sorry you are here. The sooner you accept the fact that she's gone, the better. Man up and show her what she will be missing, be the best you can be and work on yourself. Detach from her and move on, otherwise you will just drag it out and be even more miserable, it's obvious she has no respect for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58

Augusto said:


> This this this this!!!!


I disagree with suing the employer. Does wveryone think that their shorty life events warrants hitting the jackpot with other people's money? That's bs.

Anyway, I'd expose to the employer. If OP doesn't, it's because he's too whipped to stand up and dish out a healthy plate of consequences, while he's eating a double helping if betrayal and sh$t sandwich and his wife laughs at his antics while she bends over for the other man.

Get angry OP! It helps deal with this. I was same as you for a while. It did me a world of harm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

synergy1981 said:


> Augusto said:
> 
> 
> 
> This this this this!!!!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ha, suing the employer. believe me when I tell you that it is not an option.
Click to expand...

You consult the right attorney it is an option. You seem extremely timid in my estimation. Be bold, step out of your comfort zone and make her experience what is referred to as consequences! No fear!


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## bandit.45

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through friend. 

Good job of exposing. Now get a lawyer and file for D. Do the 180 hard. If you need help with the 180 just ask us. 

Best thing to do is just go dark.... B1 Bomber dark. Don't chase her, don't beg her, don't text her, dont e-mail, don't call her don't go on her Facebook. 

Let your lawyer do the talking to her or her family. 

I would not report her or him to their employer until after the divorce goes through. But even then then it won't really serve anything. Just move on. Get some grief counseling for yourself, exercise, eat good foods, and get as much sleep as you can. Take care of yourself. Make yourself your first priority. Get back to doing the things you used to enjoy doing. Rekindle old friendships, hang out with your buds, get back into old hobbies, look for new interests and become the best guy you can be.

You will make it man. I know you are hurting. Just come here when you need to vent. Oh...and if she pulls any stunts, do not do anything until you come talk to us first!


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## honcho

GusPolinski said:


> File for divorce the day after the check clears.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'll lay odds she files for divorce before the check gets issued.


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## alte Dame

It's very hard when there are no good options to try to choose the least bad option for yourself. Hope springs eternal and can stop us from doing the best thing for our future.

You are a young man. You may not feel like it all the time, but take it from me, you have lots of life ahead of you.

Don't hang on to this M because you think you have so much invested in it emotionally. You really don't, although you won't know that until you have more years under your belt.

Instead, do a cold-blooded calculation on how best to advantage your own life given the sh!t sandwich your WW has served up. (You can indulge all your urges to cry and still be cold-blooded, so no excuse really....)

She thinks she is in love with someone else and that he reciprocates the feelings. Both of them are willing to leave their marriages. If by some miracle you could get her back on board, you would be facing a long reconciliation with a WW who felt that she found something better. In short, you would be starting on essentially a new marriage, with a new view of your spouse.

If you are going to have a new marriage, why not do it with someone you can trust? Seriously, move on and be happy. You'll be amazed how quickly you can detach and find a different life. Do the 180 and file for divorce as of yesterday.

Life can be bright for those of us who are cold-blooded enough to see where our interests lie. We don't have to hurt others, but we also don't have to hurt ourselves.

And read bff's thread. Your future can be fabulous once you decide to man up and look ahead instead of backward:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/51949-wife-best-friend-having-least-ea.html


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## Marc878

You have 3 options

File for divorce 

Expose her at work to end the affair, maybe she'll come back maybe not. As long as they are together it won't stop.

Wait around and see if she comes back (be a cuckold)


It's up to you and you alone. Her family no matter what will side with her right or wrong. Forget about the religious connotations they are probably hypocrites.

There is no magic fix to this.


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## eric1

synergy1981 said:


> ha, suing the employer. believe me when I tell you that it is not an option.




Exposure to a 'firm' like this is effectively the same as litigation.

Given the prenup you're (respectfully) insane not exposing them to their workplaces. You're the one being abused. Why not extract yourself from the abuse? There is literally no downside.


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## Dyokemm

Scorched earth.....the only way to properly respond to traitorous people IMO.

When it comes to people who have unjustifiably destroyed other people's lives, spouses and children in the case of adultery, I believe in the old adage, "make them wish they had never met or heard of me."


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## Marc878

OP is in fear of her getting mad at him. This paralysis freezes them into inaction. Not unusual. Most wake up and figure it out at some point.

Maybe a lost cause but it's his only chance if there is one.


----------



## Ruby210

OnTheRocks said:


> If no kids, file immediately and count your blessings that he took her off your hands.


My thoughts exactly, as I was reading I was thinking please don't have kids..so glad to see that you can move on from this without much collateral damage. Yes your heart is broken but if she can't be trusted to be faithful when the going gets tough ( and you don't even have the stresses of children) forget reconciling.. So very sorry


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## 225985

synergy1981 said:


> ha, suing the employer. believe me when I tell you that it is not an option.


Sounds like she is employed by federal government, or a large law firm.


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## Marc878

The sad part is Her and her OM are handing him a sh!t sandwich ending his marriage and he's worried about her job?


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## 225985

Evinrude58 said:


> I disagree with suing the employer.


The employer has no liability. 

Plus demanding bonus money or else you expose can be considered extortion.

BTW, who signs a prenub at that age?


----------



## MattMatt

synergy1981 said:


> ha, suing the employer. believe me when I tell you that it is not an option.


Why? It's not a big religious cult, is it?

Not owned by a Hell's Angel?

Not owned by a close family member?

So why no sue?


----------



## ABHale

Expose fully and serve her with Divorce papers. She has to hit rock bottom to knock her out of the fog.

Or walk away and lose your wife.

The choice is yours.

I do not believe in staying with and cheater myself. If you are going to stand a chance you have to knock her off her feet by exposing to everyone.


----------



## the guy

synergy1981 said:


> I honestly can't expose them to their employers. They would both get fired and it would likely make the national press and might impact a lot of things unrelated to our marriage that would have profound ramifications. I just can't do it. I would have thought that exposing the affair to her whole family, her very religious and devout life mentors, etc would have done the trick.


I would have thought the same ....you tried!

Next step IMHO...wish her the best and "JUST LET HER GO"!!!!!

She is to deep in the shyt....so while the affair fog is think file and start the D.

you can always withdraw the papaer work, but for now get the ball rolling and show your old lady you done taking her shyt.

exposure didn't crack the fog

you can't expose at her work.

money don't matter

HAVE HER PHUCKING SERVED ASAP!!!

That might break her but I doubt it...dating some young chicks...that will get her thinking!!!!

We here aT TAm have given you some options for a good battle plan...I think you have to take this to a different level that you might not like but it will get your old lady thinking you are letting her go.
And that just might get her to think twice it what she is about to give up.

What sucks is using some chicks to get at your old lady so be honest about it and go ahead and start dating....your old lady is!!!!


----------



## honcho

blueinbr said:


> The employer has no liability.
> 
> Plus demanding bonus money or else you expose can be considered extortion.
> 
> BTW, who signs a prenub at that age?


Our country is sue happy so while the employer may not have liability what they dread is "bad press" thus the out of court settlement to keep things quiet.

He would never get brought up on extortion charges and in many ways divorce is legalized extortion so it can be considered a negotiations. 

A prenup is unusual but in today's day and age I would recommend everyone do it before marriage.

Workplace affairs though easy on hide from spouses, at least in the beginning, are usually pretty easy to spot for coworkers. No doubt the two of them are already the talk of the rumor mill.


----------



## 225985

honcho said:


> He would never get brought up on extortion charges and in many ways divorce is legalized extortion so it can be considered a negotiations.


Don't be so sure of that, especially if this is really a press story. They seem to be high rollers. High profile job. Big money. National press? WTF. Prenup at such a young age.

He only has to be CHARGED with extortion to finish his career etc, not actually convicted. It only takes an assistant DA that wants to join into the national press story to make a name for themselves. 

So yes, how he plays this is important.

As we all said, he needs to see a lawyer and let the lawyer handle the negotiations. He probably is emotionally unable to handle this. He needs his lawyer to do the work.


----------



## ConanHub

Divorce her. Have it drawn up in your favor while she is happily shytting on you.

Take care of yourself and don't mourn for her too long.

Get out with friends and socialize.

No need to hide what is going on.

If she is making a lot of money, you can probably avoid alimony.

I believe she is making a terrible choice and isn't thinking straight but that isn't your fault and if she won't listen to you or consider you, then divorce is your only real option to protect yourself and maybe speed up her snapping out of it.

Workplace affairs like this are usually short lived but you having signed divorce papers filed is a strong place to be when she does wake up.

Really sorry for what you are going through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ABHale

I mean expose this where she works. Knock her off that high horse of hers. She thinks she is to big and mighty to get exposed, BS. 

This is the only way to get her to see what she is doing. Family did not work.

Like I already said, the choice is yours. 

What are you willing to do to save your marriage if you can?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Augusto said:


> Ok I am not done. If you want her back, you say she stays with you or it becomes public. It's not that hard. Why are you not going this route?Why do they get what they want and not you?


Come on now, let's not be ridiculous. He's playing the "pick me" game not the coercion game you want.


----------



## Evinrude58

I see no chance of snapping her out of anything. I'm has said he will divorce his wife and she's kicked him out. You might say OM's wife is more stern about cheating than OP is. Op's wife is in love with this guy. She's going to marry him. Done deal. I'd hold off the divorce until she caved. That's his ace. She wants out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Evinrude58

I would like to know the excuse to not expose. If she can cheat, he should be able to expose. OP has done nothing wrong. Why should he worry about HER consequences?

The excuse is just that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Evinrude58 said:


> I would like to know the excuse to not expose. If she can cheat, he should be able to expose. OP has done nothing wrong. Why should he worry about HER consequences?
> 
> The excuse is just that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Already gave my REASON why.


----------



## Marc878

He's pretty confused and is looking for someone to tell him what he wants to hear.

Happens a lot especially when it's only been a week.

He's hoping the nightmare will end if he just closes his eyes tight enough it'll just go away.

Maybe he'll wake up soon.


----------



## jsmart

She is not worth fighting for. Besides, she's already emotionally done with you. Almost all WW that have a sexual PA end up wanting to leave their BH but since the majority of times the OM is not willing to to have a real relationship with her, especially if she has kids and even more if he's married with kids of his own, she settles for plan b husband. 

In this case, this OM is wanting your wife for his own and is willing to leave his wife. That rarely happens but from what I've seen on these sites, if an OM wants the WW, she is gone. They will blow up a 30 year marriage with kids and even grand kids without hesitation, so your short, childless marriage doesn't stand a chance.

You should be grateful you don't have kids with her. Implement the 180 to detach. Concentrate on rebuilding yourself. Also you need to kick her off the pedestal you have her on. She's religious? Please, she's a cheating wh0re that's been having sex with this coworker for a long time.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

This is why he should move on. She's already left to think on things, while lying to her husband and mom, a WEEK after discovery. It's like this FACT is being ignored. She lied to her mom, told her husband what he wanted to hear and promptly had dinner and spent time with the other man. AFTER A WEEK. A prenup means scorched earth vindictive revenge filled exposure. 


Don't waste your time with an employer lawsuit, unless you like throwing money way. Don't believe me? Spend about fifteen minutes googling and see how many cases have been won in the last 10 years.


----------



## Maxo

OnTheRocks said:


> If no kids, file immediately and count your blessings that he took her off your hands.
> 
> I would expose to everyone except her employer. Keep that as a bargaining chip. Plus, if you divorce and she is unemployed, you could be on the hook for/more alimony.


Short marriage with two careers. Little likliehood of alimony.


----------



## Maxo

Xenote said:


> I honestly think your giving your wife's importance more credence then she or the OM deserve, and unless your wife's name is Hillary and your name is Bill, i wouldn't much care, but that is your life, then the best strategy here is to file for divorce and tell her what you want or you will rat her out to the company..at least you can play that card..and you know she will sign anything you put in front of her, and will also make her realize that you mean business.:grin2: if you are going to play this card,the ratting our or good settlement card,near make the threat explicit and never in writing or in front of a witness. Extortion needs to be subtle and unprovable or you are at risk.
> There are ways to make your threat without her being able to prove you did so. Be cautious.


:


----------



## Maxo

Lonely husband 42301 said:


> You consult the right attorney it is an option. You seem extremely timid in my estimation. Be bold, step out of your comfort zone and make her experience what is referred to as consequences! No fear!


These third party lawsuits against an employer hardly ever yield significant dollars and most attorneys would not take such a case. What duty does the employer owe the husband? Where is the negligence? If there is a duty( unlikely) where is the breach?
Folks that do not practice law have some really farfetched ideas about the prospects of winning such a suit.


----------



## Maxo

MattMatt said:


> Why? It's not a big religious cult, is it?
> 
> Not owned by a Hell's Angel?
> 
> Not owned by a close family member?
> 
> So why no sue?


Matt,he has no viable cause of action. Where is the duty owed him? What is it? Where is the breach? No halfway bright lawyer would consider taking such a case.
If he was ever unlucky enough to find a lawyer dumb enough to bring a suit against her employer, he would lose his shirt paying costs. A case like you suggest would cost a ton to prosecute with almost no chance of prevailing.
I have tried over 500 cases.


----------



## Absurdist

Maxo said:


> Matt,he has no viable cause of action. Where is the duty owed him? What is it? Where is the breach? No halfway bright lawyer would consider taking such a case.
> If he was ever unlucky enough to find a lawyer dumb enough to bring a suit against her employer, he would lose his shirt paying costs. A case like you suggest would cost a ton to prosecute with almost no chance of prevailing.
> I have tried over 500 cases.


Such a suit wouldn't survive a Rule 12(b)(6) motion to dismiss or a motion for summary judgment. Even if there was some cause of action (none exists) he has no damages.

OP should save his $ for a good divorce lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lucky1

In your first post you mention that you "want your wife back". A question, if you had $100,000 in cash sitting in front of you on a table,a stranger walked up and picked it up and began to walk away, what would you do? would you just sit there and wish them well? Would you at least ask them to stop? If so, then why don't you at least speak to the POSOM and ask him to stop? From what you have written, you have left your most powerful weapon in the shed unused, that being the potential loss of his employment should you "out" him to the HR dept. at work. If he is truly concerned about this, he will be motivated to speak with you if you attempt to contact him. You could then explain to him that your wife is of high importance to you, and that his involvement is getting in the way of fixing your marriage. You could tell him that you want him to abstain from contacting your wife completely for six months to give you an opportunity to work on the marriage. In return, you might not feel the need to alert his HR department. You don't actually have to "out" him, but the mere fear of job loss might be enough to gain his cooperation. Why not? What do you have to lose at this point? Best of luck.


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## lostmyreligion

Maxo said:


> These third party lawsuits against an employer hardly ever yield significant dollars and most attorneys would not take such a case. What duty does the employer owe the husband? Where is the negligence? If there is a duty( unlikely) where is the breach?
> Folks that do not practice law have some really farfetched ideas about the prospects of winning such a suit.


Aw c'mon. McDonalds got it's a$$ successfully sued for scalding someone's nuts with coffee. 

Apples to oranges? 

WTF. Fruit's fruit isn't it?


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## NoChoice

OP,
Consider this. When people of this level of intellectual development cheat it isn't out of malice nor is it carefully and methodically thought out, it is merely what they want now. Just as a child's attention wanders from one toy to the next new toy with no regard for the toy or how it may serve them in the future. Their only concern is themselves and their immediate pleasure or "happiness", which, by the way, is an illusion on their part, but I digress.

Think of it, your wife was madly in love when you two met and married, correct? Wrong. You were the next new toy to her. She is done playing with you and is now ready for a new toy. The OM and his wife have shared 6 years together but he likewise is done playing with her and has now focused his attention on his next new toy, your W. They really are, in a sense, perfect for each other.

You cannot "nice her back" because the toy is now boring and uninteresting. You could possibly coerce her back with threats to blow up her career but that would not be real, she would not really be back. The only plan that has a chance of working is to make her believe that she can no longer have that toy and, like a child seeing another child take a toy they just discarded, they now want it again simply because they cannot have it. Even this, however, is only temporary unless the person experiences real growth and maturation which is extremely rare.

This is why I asked why you would want her back. She is a child mentally, especially concerning relationships and will only offer more of this behavior in the future. You would be best advised to find someone with a mindset more in tune with your own and move on. You are young and will have little trouble rebuilding a life with the right person but I would strongly caution that you be very careful and thorough in your selection process going forward lest you find yourself here again. Good fortune to you.


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## Hicks

Guess what, religious does not matter. Being religious is not the same as being moral.

Anyway, I agree that you should just wait for the bonus check and file. This woman is not wife material becuase a) she is a cheater and b) her job is too big.

But if you do want to have a chance at keeping your marriage, job #1 is killing the affair. Your exposure thus far has not killed it. Do you think their affair will survive them both being plastered in the national news? Do you think it will survive them getting fired from their jobs? Rather than being an argument against exposing to their jobs, keeping your marriage is an argument for doing this.

However, you are better off cutting your losses and finding a wife who is not putting job and self ahead of marriage. Your life will be much better in the long run.


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## MattMatt

Maxo said:


> Matt,he has no viable cause of action. Where is the duty owed him? What is it? Where is the breach? No halfway bright lawyer would consider taking such a case.
> If he was ever unlucky enough to find a lawyer dumb enough to bring a suit against her employer, he would lose his shirt paying costs. A case like you suggest would cost a ton to prosecute with almost no chance of prevailing.
> I have tried over 500 cases.


Does not matter. The threat of legal action with no actual papers bring served or just what is known in the UK as a Solicitor's Letter, will have a remarkable effect. 

And in a few States in the USA a case could be made and won.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheGoodGuy

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> Consider this. When people of this level of intellectual development cheat it isn't out of malice nor is it carefully and methodically thought out, it is merely what they want now. Just as a child's attention wanders from one toy to the next new toy with no regard for the toy or how it may serve them in the future. Their only concern is themselves and their immediate pleasure or "happiness", which, by the way, is an illusion on their part, but I digress.
> 
> Think of it, your wife was madly in love when you two met and married, correct? Wrong. You were the next new toy to her. She is done playing with you and is now ready for a new toy. The OM and his wife have shared 6 years together but he likewise is done playing with her and has now focused his attention on his next new toy, your W. They really are, in a sense, perfect for each other.
> 
> You cannot "nice her back" because the toy is now boring and uninteresting. You could possibly coerce her back with threats to blow up her career but that would not be real, she would not really be back. The only plan that has a chance of working is to make her believe that she can no longer have that toy and, like a child seeing another child take a toy they just discarded, they now want it again simply because they cannot have it. Even this, however, is only temporary unless the person experiences real growth and maturation which is extremely rare.
> 
> This is why I asked why you would want her back. She is a child mentally, especially concerning relationships and will only offer more of this behavior in the future. You would be best advised to find someone with a mindset more in tune with your own and move on. You are young and will have little trouble rebuilding a life with the right person but I would strongly caution that you be very careful and thorough in your selection process going forward lest you find yourself here again. Good fortune to you.


This. Sorry you're here man.


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## bandit.45

blueinbr said:


> Don't be so sure of that, especially if this is really a press story. They seem to be high rollers. High profile job. Big money. National press? WTF. Prenup at such a young age.
> 
> He only has to be CHARGED with extortion to finish his career etc, not actually convicted. It only takes an assistant DA that wants to join into the national press story to make a name for themselves.
> 
> So yes, how he plays this is important.
> 
> As we all said, he needs to see a lawyer and let the lawyer handle the negotiations. He probably is emotionally unable to handle this. He needs his lawyer to do the work.



For the company to be liable, wouldn't he have to prove that his WW and the OM used company assets to support their affair? Would he not have to prove that some third party at the company knew of the affair and did nothing to suppress the use of the company assets? How would he go about doing this, short of subpoenaing computer records and witnesses? He would have to ask the court to subpoena company records and computer files...

Anyone want top speculate how much that would cost in litigation? This company, if it is as powerful as he says, will have a TEAM of lawyers while he will have just one. 

They would call his bluff. He would get his ass handed to him, and he would still be in debt to his lawyer for $20 or $30k.....


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## Capster

phillybeffandswiss said:


> See this is called a logical fallacy based argument. Eric was talking about THIS specific thread and not all couples (red herring) who go through an infidelity crisis. She has made her choice and no matter what HE DOES, the choice is now in his wife's hands. He never said it was impossible (straw man) for couples to reconcile.


But hasn't every wayward spouse "made a choice?" Encouraging a betrayed spouse not to reconcile because the wayward spouse made the decision to cheat is akin to discouraging reconciliation at all. This is not my "straw man" argument. It also makes a broad assumption that the betrayed spouse has no power to end the affair and attempt to bring the wayward spouse back to earth.


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## honcho

bandit.45 said:


> For the company to be liable, wouldn't he have to prove that his WW and the OM used company assets to support their affair? Would he not have to prove that some third party at the company knew of the affair and did nothing to suppress the use of the company assets? How would he go about doing this, short of subpoenaing computer records and witnesses? He would have to ask the court to subpoena company records and computer files...
> 
> Anyone want top speculate how much that would cost in litigation? This company, if it is as powerful as he says, will have a TEAM of lawyers while he will have just one.
> 
> They would call his bluff. He would get his ass handed to him, and he would still be in debt to his lawyer for $20 or $30k.....


A lawsuit against the company is frivolous at this point and it would cost more than 30ķ. I had a person start a frivolous suit on one of my old bosses companies and it cost north of 60k in legal fees and 3+ years of silliness just to get it dismissed. 

The using company assets is usually the reason people get fired by the company, not because they are having an affair. From a company standpoint it's much easier to prove "theft" of company assets as reason for termination that we canned them for an affair.


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## wmn1

Did you throw her out on Monday after the trip ?Inform the employer, dump her and move on


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## bandit.45

honcho said:


> A lawsuit against the company is frivolous at this point and it would cost more than 30ķ. I had a person start a frivolous suit on one of my old bosses companies and it cost north of 60k in legal fees and 3+ years of silliness just to get it dismissed.
> 
> The using company assets is usually the reason people get fired by the company, not because they are having an affair. From a company standpoint it's much easier to prove "theft" of company assets as reason for termination that we canned them for an affair.


Exactly. 

I think he should go forward with divorce, get the fairest settlement he can, then after the decree goes through send a nice letter or talk to the company's personnel department and let them know they have a couple of snakes in the chicken pen.


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## rrrbbbttt

Husband whose wife had affair with co-worker can sue employer
By Joanne Deschenaux 11/22/2006
Permissions


A husband whose wife had an affair with a co-worker during work hours could proceed with his alienation of affections suit against the wifes employer, the Mississippi Supreme Court has ruled. The husband could recover if he could prove that the employer knew about the relationship and negligently or recklessly allowed it to continue in the workplace.

Robert Phillips and his wife Julie were divorced in September 2004. Robert claimed that he discovered that, prior to the divorce, Julie was having an affair with Dr. Erwyn E. Freeman Jr., Julie's co-worker at Childrens Medical Group PA (CMG). Phillips sued Freeman and CMG for alienation of affections.

Phillips claimed that CMG recklessly allowed his former wife and Freeman to engage in an extramarital affair in the workplace. He also claimed that CMG was liable for Freemans actions because Freeman was acting within the scope of his employment in having the affair.

CMG filed a motion to dismiss the complaint, arguing that it failed to state a legally recognized claim. The trial court denied CMGs motion, and CMG appealed.

The court ruled that Phillips could not proceed with his claim that CMG was liable for Freemans conduct. According to the court, there was no set of facts that could show that Freeman's consensual sexual relationship with Phillips wife at work was within the course and scope of his employment with CMG. The affair could not have furthered the business interests of CMG or enhanced the medical care of CMGs patients.

However, the court also ruled that the claim based on CMGs own conduct could go forward. The court noted that, in Mississippi, when one spouse was wrongfully deprived of the services and companionship of the other spouse, the wronged spouse could bring a suit for alienation of affections against the person who interfered with the marital relationship. The plaintiff in such a suit must show that the defendant directly and intentionally interfered with the marriage relationship.

The court concluded that it could not say that there was no possible set of facts that could result in CMGs liability for alienation of affections.

Childrens Medical Group PA v. Phillips, Miss., No. 2005-IA-00593-SCT (Oct. 26, 2006)

Professional Pointer:

This decision merely allows Phillips to continue with the case. He still has a long way to go to win. He must show that CMG not only knew about the affair but also that it was reckless or negligent in failing to stop it.

Joanne Deschenaux, J.D., is senior legal editor for HR News.

Editors Note: This article should not be construed as legal advice.

- See more at: https://www.shrm.org/legalissues/stateandlocalresources/pages/cms_019341.aspx#sthash.yugZ21k9.dpuf
abl


Not saying he should file but a simple letter from him to her employer explaining the situation in detail would probably bring some results.


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## donny64

Lucky1 said:


> In your first post you mention that you "want your wife back". A question, if you had $100,000 in cash sitting in front of you on a table,a stranger walked up and picked it up and began to walk away, what would you do? would you just sit there and wish them well? Would you at least ask them to stop? If so, then why don't you at least speak to the POSOM and ask him to stop? From what you have written, you have left your most powerful weapon in the shed unused, that being the potential loss of his employment should you "out" him to the HR dept. at work. If he is truly concerned about this, he will be motivated to speak with you if you attempt to contact him. You could then explain to him that your wife is of high importance to you, and that his involvement is getting in the way of fixing your marriage. You could tell him that you want him to abstain from contacting your wife completely for six months to give you an opportunity to work on the marriage. In return, you might not feel the need to alert his HR department. You don't actually have to "out" him, but the mere fear of job loss might be enough to gain his cooperation. Why not? What do you have to lose at this point? Best of luck.


Far too weak...but not a bad angle.

I would walk into her work, walk into the OM's office, confront the OM, and tell him if he so much as glances in your wife's direction again, your next stop to this office will be to visit with the HR department. Then walk out.

Don't ASK for sh!t from this POS or explain anything to him. Just lay out some cold hard direction for him, and the consequences he faces should he violate your directives.

When your W comes home that night to angrily confront you for making a scene at her work, she should walk into an empty house. 

This one is deep in the fog. Only the strongest action has a chance of snapping her out of it. Keep trying to nice her into choosing you, and she will do exactly the opposite. At least until months or years of her fuggin' the OM has passed and he gets tired of her crap, or visa versa. Sounds like your only chance with this one is to go scorched earth and drop the nuke. Or at least do a fly over with bomb bay doors open so they know you're serious. 

Think she'll be mad? Tough ch1t for her.


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## BBF

D&R. Dump and run. Geez it ain't rocket science. Oh, you might thank the schmoe for taking her off your hands.


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## niceguy28

Terrible move putting your business out there like that in emailing her family. You took a bad situation and made it that much worse. That said, she's gone my friend. I know it hurts but you have to accept the reality of it. She betrayed you as a husband and as a man. Sex is forgivable. I personally am not the jealous type and have told mine that she can do what she pleases if that is what she wants. Falling in love with somebody, making plans to leave you for them, and telling you that she no longer is in love with you is a whole new ball game. She had no problem completely disregarding the hard work and sacrifices that went into you dealing with her over the years and accepting her bs, as well as her accepting yours, and replacing you with someone who she doesn't even have a real relationship with. She doesn't live with him or experience the worst of him and vice versa. Their relationship is all about fun and stress relief. She's too small to see the big picture and you need a woman who is smart, not dumb. LEAVE HER. It's over. Cut your losses and move on.


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## niceguy28

Also, I see a lot of posts on here telling you to ruin her career by reporting this to her employer. That is one the dumbest things you could do. All it will do is satisfy an immature desire for revenge and I assure you that it will not save your marriage. That will absolutely destroy it. If you think she doesn't love you now wait until she blames you for screwing up here career. If you do that then that shows that you yourself lack the maturity and mental fortitude to handle business like a man. Leave it alone, stop being weak, and stop depending on her family to convince her to love you again. That was such a weak move that that probably made her lose even more respect for you. TBH, the fact that you did that probably speaks to how you operate in general. Maybe this is what drove her to somebody else in the first place. Pack you bag dude. You have no children. Where is your self respect.


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## phillybeffandswiss

LOL. Ah yes, blame the betrayed. You should never ask for help and it is just sex. Well everyone has their line, yours is love, his is sex. You can argue it is different, but I do not see it that way. If you like an open marriage that is on you. He did it right in my book and blaming him is wrong. She was opting out anyway because dude is leaving his wife.


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## Evinrude58

I beg to differ.
She royally screwed this guy over with a COWORKER. To bring this up at her work place WHILE SHE'S STILL MARRIED AND SEEING THE COWORKER is not a bad thing. Is it for revenge, or is it the logical thing to do? I'd go see the OM at work and explain to him that he's intruding on my marriage. Yes, it's 99% her fault. But he'd pay dearly for that 1%. And revenge is a dish best served cold. I would do it, and I wouldn't give a sh!t whether she it ruined any possibility of reconciliation. I'd be as cold as ice. There shouldn't be a reconciliation here even if the wife wanted it. She doesn't. She's clearly marrying this other dude. He's been kicked out of his house and his wife is divorcing him over it. It's clear he does intend to marry the Op's wife.

Why are you so adamant that he should do nothing but whine, which is exactly what he is doing.
I agree that part is weak. So is the failure to expose her at work and ruin her career (he didn't, she did by having an affair with a coworker). F her.


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## phillybeffandswiss

No, it isn't a bad thing. My issue is how some posters are acting like he has done nothing at all. You know, like many of the posters did when their trials and tribulations started. It is VERY rare to see someone do everything right from the beginning. Heck we have MULTIPLE threads with people waiting weeks and months to expose. I could see the browbeating if he was doing nothing and sitting behind his keyboard keeping to himself pining for his wife. He did the smaller and safer exposure many recommend when trying/wanting to RECONCILE, which is what he wanted. The disconnect comes in when she left and he is confused. NOW is the time to expose at work as she made her choice and lied about it. Still it is only a little over a week. Watching your wife lir and leave is a punch to the gut. I do not expect him to jump up and say "YEAH, Let's go." I can get you the threads where you first do a small exposure to family and friends, then go for the throat with wider exposure. The reason I said wait earlier, is because he hadn't posted they have a prenup. It's only been a week so, if she hasn't returned by Friday, I'd then email the company. I'm not one to believe you need more than a few days, which wouldn't work for me, to decide where you want to be.


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## niceguy28

Evinrude58 said:


> I beg to differ.
> She royally screwed this guy over with a COWORKER. To bring this up at her work place WHILE SHE'S STILL MARRIED AND SEEING THE COWORKER is not a bad thing. Is it for revenge, or is it the logical thing to do? I'd go see the OM at work and explain to him that he's intruding on my marriage. Yes, it's 99% her fault. But he'd pay dearly for that 1%. And revenge is a dish best served cold. I would do it, and I wouldn't give a sh!t whether she it ruined any possibility of reconciliation. I'd be as cold as ice. There shouldn't be a reconciliation here even if the wife wanted it. She doesn't. She's clearly marrying this other dude. He's been kicked out of his house and his wife is divorcing him over it. It's clear he does intend to marry the Op's wife.
> 
> Why are you so adamant that he should do nothing but whine, which is exactly what he is doing.
> I agree that part is weak. So is the failure to expose her at work and ruin her career (he didn't, she did by having an affair with a coworker). F her.


That is because needing revenge in the first place is a sign of weakness. Why give here the satisfaction? Why even care enough about her anymore to even want to get into that. He needs to just leave and cut off contact with her until he serves her the divorce papers. Getting revenge on her will serve no purpose other than the temporary joy of ruining her life. If ruining somebody's life brings you pleasure then there is something wrong with you. Yea she may have ruined his but I seriously doubt she took pleasure from it.


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## Evinrude58

I know revenge is wrong. Can't argue that.
But what about the RIGHT thing to do? Exposing this affair where it started- at WORK. I don't think it's all about revenge. I'm saying that work knew this was a problem. I'd just show them how much of a problem it is. Both people are divorcing to marry their coworkers. It's wrong. They should face consequences. Do you disagree?


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## MyRevelation

niceguy28 said:


> That is because needing revenge in the first place is a sign of weakness. Why give here the satisfaction? Why even care enough about her anymore to even want to get into that. He needs to just leave and cut off contact with her until he serves her the divorce papers. Getting revenge on her will serve no purpose other than the temporary joy of ruining her life. If ruining somebody's life brings you pleasure then there is something wrong with you. Yea she may have ruined his but I seriously doubt she took pleasure from it.


Everyone has their own perspective, but based on my life experiences and beliefs, I couldn't disagree with this more.


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## niceguy28

Her consequence is going to come when reality hits her when she realizes that a relationship with the om will never work and that she committed adultery and left a good man because she is selfish. It will come when she looks in his eyes and sees indifference because he no longer cares for her. She will get it when the divorce papers are signed and she pays him alimony. She will get it when he meets a beautiful woman with character and class that he can truly love. That my friends, is revenge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss

Sitting back and "taking it like a man" can be a sign of weakness as well.


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## phillybeffandswiss

niceguy28 said:


> Her consequence is going to come when reality hits her when she realizes that a relationship with the om will never work and that she committed adultery and left a good man because she is selfish. It will come when she looks in his eyes and sees indifference because he no longer cares for her. She will get it when the divorce papers are signed and she pays him alimony. She will get it when he meets a beautiful woman with character and class that he can truly love. That my friends, is revenge.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL. Then they ride off into the sunset on unicorns. This board is LITTERED with spouses who never received an apology, still struggle with the betrayal and their exs are fine. No, you do not go on thinking Karma is going to hit them. You do what you can to reconcile, which includes exposure and you move on.


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## Evinrude58

niceguy28 said:


> Her consequence is going to come when reality hits her when she realizes that a relationship with the om will never work and that she committed adultery and left a good man because she is selfish. It will come when she looks in his eyes and sees indifference because he no longer cares for her. She will get it when the divorce papers are signed and she pays him alimony. She will get it when he meets a beautiful woman with character and class that he can truly love. That my friends, is revenge.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Again, I disagree. 
He won't get alimony--- prenup.
Reality won't likely ever hit her. She's too selfish to see anything but her own wants.
She won't be back most likely to look in his eyes and see indifference. 
Yes, when she sees him happy with another woman, that might bother her a little. 
I like a little more concrete results, myself. Something I can remember a little better. 
Sitting by and letting her toss him aside and doing nothing? That is the epitome of a man that has no fire. She will think less of him.

He says he can't expose at work. I just can't see how that's possible. How would anyone ever deal with a problem with their spouse at that job? OP doesn't want this one back. He's going to do nothing in hopes that a miracle will occur and she'll come back. It's not happening. He'd be better off exposing and letting her hit rock bottom. The wife would have less time to court the OM if he's looking for a job and she is, too. But she still won't be back. She's lost her love and she's thinking she can do better. That will NEVER go away. Someone told me something during my own ordeal that rang true: Once this stuff starts, it just gets worse.

Expose her OP. Don't be a chump.


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## chillymorn

why is revenge wrong?


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## GuyInColorado

Now that we know there is a prenup, expose to work/press and get her fired. Either that or tell her you want the bonus check.


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## phillybeffandswiss

chillymorn said:


> why is revenge wrong?


Because of Star Trek 2 Wrath of Kahn.


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## bandit.45

He's going to have to let her go and just accept the idea that she will never feel remorseful or guilty for leaving him for another man. He also needs to give up the idea of revenge and move on with his life and work on being the best man he can be. He has done what he needed to do, and exposed as much as he needs to. Her family will sweep it under the rug and eventually learn to accept the OM. That is just the reality of life. 

I'm not a believer in Karma. There are lots and lots of selfish people out there who cheat on their spouses, destroy their families and run off with their affair partners and never experience much in the way of retribution or punishment for what they did. I knew several couples as a kid who got together through adultery...and they remained happily married for decades. 

OP needs to get the divorce, grieve for his marriage, and put this part of his life behind him and not look back.


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## Clay2013

bandit.45 said:


> He's going to have to let her go and just accept the idea that she will never feel remorseful or guilty for leaving him for another man. He also needs to give up the idea of revenge and move on with his life and work on being the best man he can be. He has done what he needed to do, and exposed as much as he needs to. Her family will sweep it under the rug and eventually learn to accept the OM. That is just the reality of life.
> 
> I'm not a believer in Karma. There are lots and lots of selfish people out there who cheat on their spouses, destroy their families and run off with their affair partners and never experience much in the way of retribution or punishment for what they did. I knew several couples as a kid who got together through adultery...and they remained happily married for decades.
> 
> OP needs to get the divorce, grieve for his marriage, and put this part of his life behind him and not look back.



Sometimes we just hope there is Karma but your right. There is no guarantees that there ever will be a defining moment when they learn there less. This is just one of the Thousands of reasons to never stay with a cheater. 

There are other people out there that want healthy people in there lives and they are wiling to do the hard work to keep them there too. 

C


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## drifter777

synergy - You've gotten a ton of feedback and advice here and I hope you pull out the things that make sense in your situation. Remember that nearly all of us have been betrayed by our wives and know how you feel right now. We know the mistakes we made and are trying to steer you away from them for your own good. For me the key elements are:

1) No kids

2) She's happy to be with OM

3) No kids

4) She doesn't want to be married to you anymore

As far as telling her employer - that's up to you but I see no reason to poison the well like that. If you act quickly and get a lawyer you can use the exposure as a bargaining chip for things like splitting that bonus and such. Don't act on anything until you talk with a lawyer.

Money aside, and I think it should remain aside - you are a young man with his whole life ahead of him. If you continue your marriage the best you can hope for is to stay with a woman who you will never trust again. A woman who betrayed you in the worst possible way. You will have mind movies of her having sex with him that will make you want to puke. And I guarantee you that there are many, many more ugly facts that will trickle out over time. For your own mental health, cut and run right now. See a lawyer and start divorce proceedings right fu(king now. Believe me, you will thank me and all the other posters for this advice.


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## bandit.45

I've said this before and I think it bears repeating. 

We are all... each one of us... replaceable.


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## donny64

GuyInColorado said:


> Now that we know there is a prenup, expose to work/press and get her fired. Either that or tell her you want the bonus check.


Or use the threat of exposure to get her to back off the prenup.

She may be quite open to that. Right now her and her coworker lover boy are planning their new perfect life together, with her believing she is on solid ground with the prenup. But here's the thing she is not considering....she could be fired. If this would mean bad press for the company as the OP is saying, make no mistake, they'd likely fire her azz. Or it would be very damaging to her standing in the company at a minimum. Now her perfect life with this new man is not so perfect anymore....is it?

Knock her azz off her unicorn.

Were I her, I'd much rather pay out to the soon to be ExH for a while than I would potentially risk my earning capacity for possibly many years to come.

Not sure how that is accomplished without it coming off as some form of blackmail, but I'd bet a divorce attorney would have the answer.

And one thing the OP needs to understand. Stated wisely to me many years ago by a friend who had a way with the females: "If you see it coming, do you know the best way to prevent a woman from breaking up with you? Break up with them first." 

The best way to push them away when they are on the brink of dumping you, is to become a pain in their azz and latch onto them. You can't miss or appreciate someone who is following you around like a lost puppy. Nor can you have respect for them.

This is the ultimate chit test. She wronged you, and you are eating the chit sandwich she served up to you with a smile on your face. You're failing the test. And she will find it impossible to respect you as a result. No respect = No love and no attraction. 

OP, only chance you have if you want to reconcile and snap her out of this, is to go dark on her. No calls. No letters. No texts. Just disappear from her life. She may THINK she has fallen out of love with you, but that is rarely ever the case. It may still be there, but you've got to get HER to realize it. And she CAN'T realize that when she sees you as being nothing more than a pain in the azz nuisance to her right now. She is growing more and more impatient and bothered by you by the minute. 

It is not possible to have good thoughts for someone when they are constantly annoying you. An old, overused saying....but still holds true "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". 

Be absent.


----------



## OnTheRocks

Revenge is awesome. I still take pleasure in the little bits that I was able to exact on my ex (damaging her previously squeaky-clean reputation, outing her to her family, destroying a few of her friendships).


----------



## drifter777

OnTheRocks said:


> Revenge is awesome. I still take pleasure in the little bits that I was able to exact on my ex (damaging her previously squeaky-clean reputation, outing her to her family, destroying a few of her friendships).


I wouldn't advise scorched earth revenge, but I understand it. Honestly, I think every cheater should be tarred & feathered and put on display in a public place with an "Adulterer" sign pinned to their forehead. I really do. But it's better to take time to think about what will help you feel better. Blowing them up to all is a common first reaction but may not give you the lasting satisfaction of punishing them that you desire. Divorce & total no contact for the rest of your life can be a very satisfying consequence for WS to pay. They really never get used to the fact that you hate their guts so much that you refuse to acknowledge their presence.


----------



## the guy

Generally speaking why is it vengeful to inform an employer the character of their employee?

Even though this isn't the case here wouldn't a employer want to keep the family unit intact for their employee?

There is a good reason many companies do not like employees fraternizing so my point is wouldn't exposing this affair to an employer benefit everybody involved except for the two in an affair?

The way I see it abetrayed spouse is just looking for some help in keeping the marriage intact.


----------



## drifter777

the guy said:


> Generally speaking why is it vengeful to inform an employer the character of their employee?
> 
> Even though this isn't the case here wouldn't a employer want to keep the family unit intact for their employee?
> 
> There is a good reason many companies do not like employees fraternizing so my point is wouldn't exposing this affair to an employer benefit everybody involved except for the two in an affair?
> 
> The way I see it abetrayed spouse is just looking for some help in keeping the marriage intact.


If a BS is trying to bust up the affair with a co-worker and the WS won't quit the job then telling the employer makes good sense. Most of us here would advise exposing in this case. But when WS leaves to be with AP and divorce is imminent then it is really just scorched earth revenge to expose to employer. The primary reason not to expose in this case is to use it as a bargaining chip during settlement negotiation. If WS will pay a heavy price for exposure this chip can be HUGE.

However - this is just my opinion. If a BS needs this kind of revenge then I say go ahead - the WS deserves every consequence they get.


----------



## OnTheRocks

I'm a vengeful person. I like to think it makes people think twice before they jack with me or others in the future. I also use my horn a lot when driving, call people out for cutting in line, etc.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

OnTheRocks said:


> I'm a vengeful person. I like to think it makes people think twice before they jack with me or others in the future. I also use my horn a lot when driving, call people out for cutting in line, etc.


Just an FYI - your messages might not be getting across - a good part of the world assumes the guy honking is the jerk.


----------



## OnTheRocks

Probably so, but I don't care. It makes me feel better.


----------



## OnTheRocks

I firmly believe that if more people were shamed for their antisocial behavior, the world would be a better place.


----------



## MattMatt

niceguy28 said:


> That is because needing revenge in the first place is a sign of weakness. Why give here the satisfaction? Why even care enough about her anymore to even want to get into that. He needs to just leave and cut off contact with her until he serves her the divorce papers. Getting revenge on her will serve no purpose other than the temporary joy of ruining her life. If ruining somebody's life brings you pleasure then there is something wrong with you. Yea she may have ruined his but I seriously doubt she took pleasure from it.


You act like you think revenge is a bad thing?

I am troubled by your responses. You seem to believe that open marriages are way cool! Yet you do not think that a BS deserves even a tiny bit of revenge.

You seem confused, niceguy28.


----------



## jsmart

bandit.45 said:


> He's going to have to let her go and just accept the idea that *she will never feel remorseful or guilty for leaving him for another man.* He also needs to give up the idea of revenge and move on with his life and work on being the best man he can be. He has done what he needed to do, and exposed as much as he needs to. *Her family will sweep it under the rug and eventually learn to accept the OM*. That is just the reality of life.
> 
> I'm not a believer in Karma. *There are lots and lots of selfish people out there who cheat on their spouses, destroy their families and run off with their affair partners and never experience much in the way of retribution or punishment for what they did.* I knew several couples as a kid who got together through adultery...and they remained happily married for decades.
> 
> *OP needs to get the divorce, grieve for his marriage, and put this part of his life behind him and not look back*.



Totally agree. Just file D and move on without looking back. 

From what I've seen here and especially LS, is the few WW that hit the jack pot and were successful in steeling a MM have NO REMORSE for the carnage they leave behind. Destruction of 2 long term marriages with kids mean nothing. As long as they're happy, fvck everybody. 

Very few are able to do it and the odds are stacked against unions built on betraying 2 families but some are able to make it work. So I agree where's the karma? I guess it's the children who pay it.


----------



## Maxo

lostmyreligion said:


> Aw c'mon. McDonalds got it's a$$ successfully sued for scalding someone's nuts with coffee.
> 
> Apples to oranges?
> 
> WTF. Fruit's fruit isn't it?


You have the gender wrong. And,as I recall, during discovery a memo was uncovered instructing McDonald's franhisees to super heat the coffe to discourage seniors from hanging out and requesting refills.


----------



## Maxo

MattMatt said:


> Does not matter. The threat of legal action with no actual papers bring served or just what is known in the UK as a Solicitor's Letter, will have a remarkable effect.
> 
> And in a few States in the USA a case could be made and won.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A letter might help but no way does he have a case. If the employer acts,it will be to save embarassment,not from fear of losing.
How does his lawyer get paid? Per hour for a measly letter? No real potential for a payday. Folks watch too much TV.


----------



## NoChoice

I fail to see the difference between revenge and consequences and if the consequences bring the betrayed some pleasure, all the better.


----------



## Maxo

rrrbbbttt said:


> Husband whose wife had affair with co-worker can sue employer
> By Joanne Deschenaux 11/22/2006
> Permissions
> 
> 
> A husband whose wife had an affair with a co-worker during work hours could proceed with his alienation of affections suit against the wifes employer, the Mississippi Supreme Court has ruled. The husband could recover if he could prove that the employer knew about the relationship and negligently or recklessly allowed it to continue in the workplace.
> 
> Robert Phillips and his wife Julie were divorced in September 2004. Robert claimed that he discovered that, prior to the divorce, Julie was having an affair with Dr. Erwyn E. Freeman Jr., Julie's co-worker at Childrens Medical Group PA (CMG). Phillips sued Freeman and CMG for alienation of affections.
> 
> Phillips claimed that CMG recklessly allowed his former wife and Freeman to engage in an extramarital affair in the workplace. He also claimed that CMG was liable for Freemans actions because Freeman was acting within the scope of his employment in having the affair.
> 
> CMG filed a motion to dismiss the complaint, arguing that it failed to state a legally recognized claim. The trial court denied CMGs motion, and CMG appealed.
> 
> The court ruled that Phillips could not proceed with his claim that CMG was liable for Freemans conduct. According to the court, there was no set of facts that could show that Freeman's consensual sexual relationship with Phillips wife at work was within the course and scope of his employment with CMG. The affair could not have furthered the business interests of CMG or enhanced the medical care of CMGs patients.
> 
> However, the court also ruled that the claim based on CMGs own conduct could go forward. The court noted that, in Mississippi, when one spouse was wrongfully deprived of the services and companionship of the other spouse, the wronged spouse could bring a suit for alienation of affections against the person who interfered with the marital relationship. The plaintiff in such a suit must show that the defendant directly and intentionally interfered with the marriage relationship.
> 
> The court concluded that it could not say that there was no possible set of facts that could result in CMGs liability for alienation of affections.
> 
> Childrens Medical Group PA v. Phillips, Miss., No. 2005-IA-00593-SCT (Oct. 26, 2006)
> 
> Professional Pointer:
> 
> This decision merely allows Phillips to continue with the case. He still has a long way to go to win. He must show that CMG not only knew about the affair but also that it was reckless or negligent in failing to stop it.
> 
> Joanne Deschenaux, J.D., is senior legal editor for HR News.
> 
> Editors Note: This article should not be construed as legal advice.
> 
> - See more at: https://www.shrm.org/legalissues/stateandlocalresources/pages/cms_019341.aspx#sthash.yugZ21k9.dpuf
> abl
> 
> 
> Not saying he should file but a simple letter from him to her employer explaining the situation in detail would probably bring some results.


Exactly. It survived summary judgement. So,the poor idiot proceeds,loses and is out huge $$.


----------



## Maxo

niceguy28 said:


> Her consequence is going to come when reality hits her when she realizes that a relationship with the om will never work and that she committed adultery and left a good man because she is selfish. It will come when she looks in his eyes and sees indifference because he no longer cares for her. She will get it when the divorce papers are signed and she pays him alimony. She will get it when he meets a beautiful woman with character and class that he can truly love. That my friends, is revenge.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


6 year marriage,no kids... alimony? Pfffft.


----------



## Maxo

bandit.45 said:


> I've said this before and I think it bears repeating.
> 
> We are all... each one of us... replaceable.


No,my kids and pets are not,not to me,anyway. Same for my siblings and friends.


----------



## eric1

Synergy,

You have lots of advice. In order for people to deliver more succinct and directed advice can I ask you a few questions?

1. What, if any, are your absolute dealbreakers?

2. What emotion do you feel when you think about her?

3. Do you feel scared or do you feel angry ? This sounds like a silly question but is actually very important


----------



## Augusto

This poor guy


----------



## honcho

Maxo said:


> Exactly. It survived summary judgement. So,the poor idiot proceeds,loses and is out huge $$.


It's also in Mississippi one of only 6 states I believe now that even has alienation of affection of the books any longer.


----------



## Augusto

TheTruthHurts said:


> OnTheRocks said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm a vengeful person. I like to think it makes people think twice before they jack with me or others in the future. I also use my horn a lot when driving, call people out for cutting in line, etc.
> 
> 
> 
> Just an FYI - your messages might not be getting across - a good part of the world assumes the guy honking is the jerk.
Click to expand...

I do this plus the finger!!


----------



## Sports Fan

One im truly sorry for what you are going through but all we have heard from you is excusing her extremely foul behavour.

Who cares what the rasmifications are for both of them. They made their beds whilst destroying others lives in the process with no thought of whatsoever and your concerned that they will get fired? After what they have both done to you why would you allow them to run off with their high end jobs and live happily ever after whislt you pick up the pieces.

Man up see a lawyer and file for Divorce, if her job is so prestigous as you claim you will most likely get a favourable settlement including child custody, and support if children are involved.

Secondly tell the company they work for ASAP. 

If you truly want your wife back and i dont know why you have to make their lives extremely miserable by ensuring she understands they will not get the happily ever after she has imagined.

Its called consequences for her actions. At present she gets to treat you like garbage, run off, with her affair partner, whilst enjoying the luxuary her high profile career provides. You need to put an end to that.

Inform the company, watch them both get fired, visit a lawyer and file including for full custody of the children. Once her life starts to fall apart based on the consequences of her choices than you might have a shot of winning her back.

At present if left unchecked she will definately not be coming back.

Even if your wife doesnt come back at the very least you would have regained your dignity by standing strong in this most difficult time.


----------



## Maxo

I would try playing the diclosure chip to get favorable terms. As mentioned,this should not be done explicitly,at least not in front of witnesses( and,watch out for recording,as well)..
Post divorce,you can always expose.


----------



## Evinrude58

Maybe OM's wife will take care of all this. She sounds like she has some gumption.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maxo

Evinrude58 said:


> Maybe OM's wife will take care of all this. She sounds like she has some gumption.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe the OM's wife can sue synergy for lack of gumption.


----------



## BBF

I didn't say it, but I'm doing it...."Living well is the best revenge." Get a pitbull lawyer and use whatever leverage you can bring with the possibility of exposure and/or litigation against the employer for your fiscal advantage...prenup be damned. In a divorce, everything is on the table and if she's in the fog you get to set the table. Use the money to buy something fast and sexy, a new Alfa Romeo Spyder is nice. Or use it to rent something fast and sexy, a 23-year-old courtesan is nice too. As we say the south, don't let the screen door hit you in the azz as you leave. Bye honey.


----------



## OnTheRocks

Do not be fooled into thinking a prenup is a sure thing. A judge that is friendly with your ex's attorney can throw it out, easily.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

BBF said:


> I didn't say it, but I'm doing it...."Living well is the best revenge." Get a pitbull lawyer and use whatever leverage you can bring with the possibility of exposure and/or litigation against the employer for your fiscal advantage...prenup be damned. In a divorce, everything is on the table and if she's in the fog you get to set the table. Use the money to buy something fast and sexy, a new Alfa Romeo Spyder is nice. Or use it to rent something fast and sexy, a 23-year-old courtesan is nice too. As we say the south, don't let the screen door hit you in the azz as you leave. Bye honey.


See and I could argue all of this is revenge. So, we go right back to Chilly's question "what's wrong with revenge?" In my book, with the caveats I mentioned earlier, nothing.
As someone else said it is semantics, you choose either the word "consequences" or "revenge."


----------



## SunCMars

jsmart said:


> Totally agree. Just file D and move on without looking back.
> 
> From what I've seen here and especially LS, is the few WW that hit the jack pot and were successful in steeling a MM have NO REMORSE for the carnage they leave behind. Destruction of 2 long term marriages with kids mean nothing. As long as they're happy, fvck everybody.
> 
> Very few are able to do it and the odds are stacked against unions built on betraying 2 families but some are able to make it work. So I agree where's the karma? I guess it's the children who pay it.


Karma does not exist? Whooo boy! Don't let me fire off my retro-rockets and burn another few dozen readers [who used to like my way of thinking]. That is, until I make a sharp and oblique turn on my way to the Pole Star in Ursa Minor.

Karma usually plays out in a person's sphere of influence and only sometimes on the person who deserves a comeuppance--->a person who has done "bad" things and should be "punished directly. Quickly, is often is recommended! But, the programmed Karma play-out is generation-ally executed.

You hit the nagle on the head when you say the children usually pay the price! Hence, my claim that Karma is played out in one's immediate gene pool. 

The progeny pay the price of the original lineal sinner.

One example: Joe P Kennedy Sr. was a hard nose and shady businessman and inside trader and alleged bootlegger. His sins paved the way for bad Karma in the deaths of Joe Jr. John F.. Robert, a daughter Rosemary that was institutionalized for life [madness] and Teddy who murdered Mary Jo Kopechne. John F. Kennedy Jr. caught the ill tail wind of old Joes bad deeds, also. IMHO!


----------



## Spotthedeaddog

SunCMars said:


> Karma does not exist? Whooo boy! Don't let me fire off my retro-rockets and burn another few dozen readers [who used to like my way of thinking]. That is, until I make a sharp and oblique turn on my way to the Pole Star in Ursa Minor.
> 
> Karma usually plays out in a person's sphere of influence and only sometimes on the person who deserves a comeuppance--->a person who has done "bad" things and should be "punished directly. Quickly, is often is recommended! But, the programmed Karma play-out is generation-ally executed.
> 
> You hit the nagle on the head when you say the children usually pay the price! Hence, my claim that Karma is played out in one's immediate gene pool.
> 
> The progeny pay the price of the original lineal sinner.
> 
> One example: Joe P Kennedy Sr. was a hard nose and shady businessman and inside trader and alleged bootlegger. His sins paved the way for bad Karma in the deaths of Joe Jr. John F.. Robert, a daughter Rosemary that was institutionalized for life [madness] and Teddy who murdered Mary Jo Kopechne. John F. Kennedy Jr. caught the ill tail wind of old Joes bad deeds, also. IMHO!


more dharma, than karma


----------



## GuyInColorado

If you guys really believe in karma, then you'd tell the OP that he did something prior to deserve a cheating POS wife, so just suck it up buttercup. Karma did it's job.


----------



## sparrow55

I don;t think your wife is important enough to cause a national scandal. Maybe a few headlines locally.


----------



## niceguy28

MattMatt said:


> You act like you think revenge is a bad thing?
> 
> I am troubled by your responses. You seem to believe that open marriages are way cool! Yet you do not think that a BS deserves even a tiny bit of revenge.
> 
> You seem confused, niceguy28.


 I never said I think open marriages are cool. I'm a big compartmentalizer and that allows me to separate sex from my marriage. Sex is a part of it but to me being committed
to someone for life and spending the rest of the one life God gave you with them while raising other human beings is a much bigger deal. This is why I would not freak out if my
wife felt the need to experience something new. I'm not a jealous person. I don't worry about her finding somebody who is better sexually than me because in life there is always going to be somebody better than you. She certainly might find someone better but if she does and still comes back to me then that says it all. Does that mean I have no problem with my wife sleeping with everyone, absolutely not. Basically my contention is that the physical act of cheating is by far not the worst part of an affair. The biggest parts have to do with the lies, deception, and utter disregard for the BS that comes with it. The OP doesn't deserve anything but closure and to be able to move on with his life and find true love and happiness. Revenge in this case is pointless and very immature imo.


----------



## SunCMars

GuyInColorado said:


> If you guys really believe in karma, then you'd tell the OP that he did something prior to deserve a cheating POS wife, so just suck it up buttercup. Karma did it's job.


In HIS case:

1)He unwittingly entered into her discordant aura.....Nah, he knew her history. He rolled the dice and was taken by the under-tow.
2) You bring your own ****-sandwiches with you into any marriage. After eating his and hers, he was tainted from the inside. 
3) You do not choose your parents or the flesh that sits on inherited bones.
4) When young you do not choose your home, your village, your country.....an yeah, yeah, your friggin Planet.
5) You make do with what you were given after being shape-shifted by your immediate environment and Foolish Skoolin.
6) Karma with a BIG K rules the day, the nights, the blood and the beer.
7) BH has gotta Make-Do. He has a lot more going for him then billions of other Cro-Magnums that walk the Earth, Cursin and *****en.
8) Enjoy the Suck ;-}


----------



## Maxo

SunCMars said:


> Karma does not exist? Whooo boy! Don't let me fire off my retro-rockets and burn another few dozen readers [who used to like my way of thinking]. That is, until I make a sharp and oblique turn on my way to the Pole Star in Ursa Minor.
> 
> Karma usually plays out in a person's sphere of influence and only sometimes on the person who deserves a comeuppance--->a person who has done "bad" things and should be "punished directly. Quickly, is often is recommended! But, the programmed Karma play-out is generation-ally executed.
> 
> You hit the nagle on the head when you say the children usually pay the price! Hence, my claim that Karma is played out in one's immediate gene pool.
> 
> The progeny pay the price of the original lineal sinner.
> 
> One example: Joe P Kennedy Sr. was a hard nose and shady businessman and inside trader and alleged bootlegger. His sins paved the way for bad Karma in the deaths of Joe Jr. John F.. Robert, a daughter Rosemary that was institutionalized for life [madness] and Teddy who murdered Mary Jo Kopechne. John F. Kennedy Jr. caught the ill tail wind of old Joes bad deeds, also. IMHO!


Proof enough for me. And,let's not forget MLK .


----------



## Maxo

SunCMars said:


> In HIS case:
> 
> 1)He unwittingly entered into her discordant aura.....Nah, he knew her history. He rolled the dice and was taken by the under-tow.
> 2) You bring your own ****-sandwiches with you into any marriage. After eating his and hers, he was tainted from the inside.
> 3) You do not choose your parents or the flesh that sits on inherited bones.
> 4) When young you do not choose your home, your village, your country.....an yeah, yeah, your friggin Planet.
> 5) You make do with what you were given after being shape-shifted by your immediate environment and Foolish Skoolin.
> 6) Karma with a BIG K rules the day, the nights, the blood and the beer.
> 7) BH has gotta Make-Do. He has a lot more going for him then billions of other Cro-Magnums that walk the Earth, Cursin and *****en.
> 8) Enjoy the Suck ;-}


We all roll the dice.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

niceguy28 said:


> I never said I think open marriages are cool. I'm a big compartmentalizer and that allows me to separate sex from my marriage. Sex is a part of it but to me being committed
> to someone for life and spending the rest of the one life God gave you with them while raising other human beings is a much bigger deal. This is why I would not freak out if my
> wife felt the need to experience something new. I'm not a jealous person. I don't worry about her finding somebody who is better sexually than me because in life there is always going to be somebody better than you. She certainly might find someone better but if she does and still comes back to me then that says it all. Does that mean I have no problem with my wife sleeping with everyone, absolutely not. Basically my contention is that the physical act of cheating is by far not the worst part of an affair. The biggest parts have to do with the lies, deception, and utter disregard for the BS that comes with it. The OP doesn't deserve anything but closure and to be able to move on with his life and find true love and happiness. Revenge in this case is pointless and very immature imo.


This isn't compartmentalization, you are rationalizing and hypothesizing. It is interesting how wanting a loyal spouse is being morphed into jealousy in your world. So, how many affairs has your wife had? None that you know of right?


----------



## Dyokemm

"They really never get used to the fact that you hate their guts so much that you refuse to acknowledge their presence."

I agree....I think this is true for most of them.

It's why they get so bothered when you tell them to take their 'friendship' (it makes me laugh how many of them say they want to stay friends after D) and stick it up their a**.

I know from mutual friends that my cheating ex-LTgf never got over me telling her to pound sand when she wanted to get back together with me, and that I had zero interest in ever staying friends with her.


----------



## MattMatt

niceguy28 said:


> I never said I think open marriages are cool. I'm a big compartmentalizer and that allows me to separate sex from my marriage. Sex is a part of it but to me being committed
> to someone for life and spending the rest of the one life God gave you with them while raising other human beings is a much bigger deal. This is why I would not freak out if my
> wife felt the need to experience something new. I'm not a jealous person. I don't worry about her finding somebody who is better sexually than me because in life there is always going to be somebody better than you. She certainly might find someone better but if she does and still comes back to me then that says it all. Does that mean I have no problem with my wife sleeping with everyone, absolutely not. Basically my contention is that the physical act of cheating is by far not the worst part of an affair. The biggest parts have to do with the lies, deception, and utter disregard for the BS that comes with it. The OP doesn't deserve anything but closure and to be able to move on with his life and find true love and happiness. Revenge in this case is pointless and very immature imo.


What you describe is an open marriage.

Or more likely, the thought patterns of a Wittol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sara Scofield

I am so sorry. I know the pain of betrayal out of the blue. *hugs*


----------



## donny64

Dyokemm said:


> It's why they get so bothered when you tell them to take their 'friendship' (it makes me laugh how many of them say they want to stay friends after D) and stick it up their a**.


Most all of them do it when they want to break loose from you. 

"Let's just stay friends" really means "I want you to stick around a little bit so I can continue to break your heart and give you false hope while I use you to slowly wean myself off of you in a controlled, less painful way for myself". 

Also lets them keep you in their back pocket as their plan B or C. Their "d!ck under glass....break in case of emergency". 

Fug that. Cold hard break when it comes to that. THAT is what will keep you in the front of a woman's brain and torment them no end. They really hate that any man can just walk away from them, and it makes them nuts. Even if they detest the guy, they will at least respect that, and always wonder why it was so easy for you to just walk away.


----------



## 3putt

donny64 said:


> Also lets them keep you in their back pocket as their plan B or C. *Their "d!ck under glass....break in case of emergency".*


Never heard it put quite like that, but I love it.


----------



## michzz

I couldn't read all of the postings, but the jist of it is that you should divorce her and be well rid of this cheating wife.

Don't waste any more time on her. 

Like others said, you want the woman that you thought you knew, not the woman that she really is.

Time to move on.


----------



## Be smart

Sorry you are here my friend.

Talk with your lawyer and serve her with Divorce papers. If you can make it send them when she is at work so other co-workers could find the truth about them. 

Dont blame yourself,she is the only one to blame.

Stay strong.


----------



## lostmyreligion

Maxo said:


> You have the gender wrong. And,as I recall, during discovery a memo was uncovered instructing McDonald's franhisees to super heat the coffe to discourage seniors from hanging out and requesting refills.


Oh. 

But I knew just enough (they lost) to make me an expert! Enough to offer legal advice.

Sorry Maxo. It was a poor attempt on my part at sarcastic humour. Kind of dry British with an obtuse Canadian edge. I actually empathize and agree with you. 

I've been a miner and/or involved in mining all of my life. It's always great when people who've read one or two sensational/salacious stories ('cause hey - news would be so interesting if it wasn't) suddenly know enough to form an expert opinion about the industry as a whole.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

... crickets...

OP has left the building and is looking for advice that suits him better, though I have no idea what that would look like. 

Maybe "don't worry so much, these things happen all the time and it will blow over. Your W will be back in your arms in no time. No need to do anything - just sit tight.







"


----------



## Marc878

TheTruthHurts said:


> ... crickets...
> 
> OP has left the building and is looking for advice that suits him better, though I have no idea what that would look like.
> 
> Maybe "don't worry so much, these things happen all the time and it will blow over. Your W will be back in your arms in no time. No need to do anything - just sit tight.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> "


Let's all join hands and sing kum bah ya. That'll bring her back!!!


----------



## jsmart

Actually many times they do come back when everything that we TAMers said comes to pass.

It's frustrating seeing so many betrayed come here and be reluctant to take the advice. I think for men in particular, want to believe they can fix it. Then there is a man's future biased outlook. We're thinking about the big picture and the repercussions down the road. Where as women are more emotional and in the moment minded. Which is bared out by the fact that 70% of divorces are filed by women.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Yeah, he didn't expect it to be so harsh and almost 100% divorce. Sorry, get as mad as you want, create as many straw man arguments as you want, there are some threads where divorce should be the very first option. If the spouse wants to get it out of their system and you RECONCILE AFTER the divorce cool. Waiting around for a cheater while they lie to family, lie to friends, lie to the spouse, leave for clarity, tell you they are confused while meeting AP in a hotel for hours and even lie their own mother is stupid.


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## SunCMars

MattMatt said:


> What you describe is an open marriage.
> 
> Or more likely, the thought patterns of a Wittol.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Open marriage equates to "Swing Low Sweet Cherie-ette". 

On the Swing...subject. The swing, in its arc, spends mere seconds in the higher range and most of it in lower less pleasure-able ranges.

My take:
Swinging or cuckolding is over-rated and rarely pleasure sustaining. Marriage is not ALL about sex. The other valuable and worthy facets get plastered over with smegma. This is conjecture, *I have no experience in these matters!
*
Yes, and I am a *Wit-hole*. A word bender, an alleged [alleged by TAMMER's] dipsomaniac rat-ta-tatter, though do not sport a pointed bill [Nib] or Mohawk crest. I am not Woody, am Wiry and Wary.


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## Maxo

SunCMars said:


> Open marriage equates to "Swing Low Sweet Cherie-ette".
> 
> On the Swing...subject. The swing, in its arc, spends mere seconds in the higher range and most of it in lower less pleasure-able ranges.
> 
> My take:
> Swinging or cuckolding is over-rated and rarely pleasure sustaining. Marriage is not ALL about sex. The other valuable and worthy facets get plastered over with smegma. This is conjecture, *I have no experience in these matters!
> *
> Yes, and I am a *Wit-hole*. A word bender, an alleged [alleged by TAMMER's] dipsomaniac rat-ta-tatter, though do not sport a pointed bill [Nib] or Mohawk crest. I am not Woody, am Wiry and Wary.


Well,Viagra may help with the Woody deal.


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## Dyokemm

OP posted his situation over at SI too.....was getting a lot of similar advice from the posters.

Hasn't been back to update there either.

Either his life has turned to total chaos....or he is indeed not happy with the 'tough love' advice and gone searching for a way to 'nice' her back.

Maybe he's on MB now....they love that approach.


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## TaDor

Okay, the OP's (synergy1981) nightmare started 10 days ago. Ah, when your whole system is in shock and your grasping at straws. Gawd how I hated those days.

I'm far from perfect, but who is? Shopping around for a preferred answer to a problem that is OUT of his control won't work.

She seems very much what she wanted to do with plans and a support system to do it.


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## Blossom Leigh

He also hasn't posted in a while.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Some posters come with their problems, listen to the advice, then leave. Not everyone is in to sharing. 

Hope we helped him for the short time he was here.


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## Blossom Leigh

Or he's a troll and niceguy28 is his cohort.



Just found it curious that he went so silent and ng28 rolled in.

No offense ng28 if you're not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985

I keep checking the national news feeds, waiting for this big scandal to break.


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## wmn1

he posted the last time on May 10 on Marriage Builders


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## convert

wmn1 said:


> he posted the last time on May 10 on Marriage Builders


he is on the SI forum too


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## phillybeffandswiss

Wow, he left out a ton of details here on TAM. He's searching multiple websites for information on how to save his marriage at all costs. I now understand why he is so confused and wants her back so bad. She played him like an Xbox. As far as I can tell, he is on:
TAM
Divorce Busting
Marriage Builders
SI

Here are some key points from his three other threads:
He didn't go to a wedding with her and in the pictures he saw she wasn't wearing her wedding ring.
She talked about her reputation first, not the marriage, when the letters were sent out.
Lied to her mom about getting marriage counseling.
He thinks he can "win her back" if he doesn't expose at work.


After reading all of his threads, he's going to wait it out until July. He has a post detailing how affairs only last three to six months, so, he has made up his mind to wait IMO. Work place exposure shuts him down and he leaves the thread. Her priority, he is going to help her, is to protect her reputation. Revenge or not there are very few threads, if any, where waiting and not blowing up the affair works. He's going to cater to her whims right up to the point she has him served. Then he is going to be playing catch up. Also, he is searching for his own specific advice to fit his needs. He posted for one day on MB. When people started telling him the same advice as eric1, "nothing you can do," he left.


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## manfromlamancha

I have it on good authority that his wife and her boyfriend are working on the Donald Trump campaign.


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## Evinrude58

It's sad to see this. I had the same problem. I wanted to save my family and my marriage at all costs. It nearly cost me my life. 
Now that I've got some distance, I see that she told me all along and even before I found TAM, what I needed to know. She didn't love me and didn't even WANT to fall back in love with me---her words.

There is NO SUCH THING as "winning them back". It's absolutely impossible. And what is there to win? A cheater who got tired of their AP and needed a doormat?

He is in bad shape. It's obvious that he needs to expose. There's zero chance she will return, and that's the important thing to him that makes him leave. He doesn't want to hear that there's zero chance. He doesn't want to hear that she doesn't have any love for him at all. He thinks it's still in there somewhere and it will find its way out eventually. He's wrong. But his mind is set to keep digging where there is no gold to be found, only misery. 

I personally would expose in a heartbeat. I would let HER worry about the consequences. She's certainly not worrying about him. He will regret that decision one day. But as long as he's in never-never land, thinking that she will one day return, he's going to make one bad decision after another. I don't blame him, I just wish I could help him understand that his emotions are in control right now, and emotions will screw up one's judgement. He really needs to turn the reins over to a trusted relative or friend and do exactly as they tell him on matters dealing with his wife, until he is in a state of mind that logic can overcome his emotional desires to get her back.


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## Deadhead

OnTheRocks said:


> Plus, if you divorce and she is unemployed, you could be on the hook for/more alimony.



Not likely if she was fired due to her own misconduct in the workplace. 


I'd let her direct supervisor know, as well as the OM's, and their supervisors' supervisor.


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## Maxo

manfromlamancha said:


> I have it on good authority that his wife and her boyfriend are working on the Donald Trump campaign.


Oh,that is different. Then,by all means sue and sue often:nerd:


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## ThePheonix

I don't have the feeling the prenup was for his benefit. (apparently she's making the big bucks) I wonder if were dealing with a stay at home guy who's afraid he's going to lose his meal ticket if she ditches his azz. Hence, he's willing to roll over and play dead to keep from being kicked to the curb.


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## Maxo

ThePheonix said:


> I don't have the feeling the prenup was for his benefit. (apparently she's making the big bucks) I wonder if were dealing with a stay at home guy who's afraid he's going to lose his meal ticket if she ditches his azz. Hence, he's willing to roll over and play dead to keep from being kicked to the curb.


Speculation,but,in any case he is putting up with this.
Just as easily could be a big buck guy who is afraid re the enforceability of the pre-nup. All types of permutations.


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## Augusto

Evinrude58 said:


> I disagree with suing the employer. Does wveryone think that their shorty life events warrants hitting the jackpot with other people's money? That's bs.
> 
> Anyway, I'd expose to the employer. If OP doesn't, it's because he's too whipped to stand up and dish out a healthy plate of consequences, while he's eating a double helping if betrayal and sh$t sandwich and his wife laughs at his antics while she bends over for the other man.
> 
> Get angry OP! It helps deal with this. I was same as you for a while. It did me a world of harm.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not sure if you know this but there are many of us that would gladly give all assets including millions upon millions of dollars to not have our hearts broken and never be betrayed by our spouses. Some things mean more to us than money. But we cannot get that back. We can never get back what we had. Even if we were to remarry, we are not the same. We would never be able to treat that person the same as before the previous person that betrayed you. There is no price tag on what we become and what we lost.


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## manfromlamancha

How are you doing Synergy ?


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## BetrayedDad

phillybeffandswiss said:


> He thinks he can "win her back" if he doesn't expose at work.
> 
> After reading all of his threads, he's going to wait it out until July. He has a post detailing how affairs only last three to six months, so, he has made up his mind to wait IMO.


Can't even fathom this.... "I'm going to wait until my wife has had her fill of getting her brains fvcked out, then she will take me back!"

My god, where is the self respect?!? How broken are YOU? The mind games one has to play on themselves to accept this as a plausible scenario that will pan out.

Just astounding to me.


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## sokillme

When I was a young kid, I was being bullied. I was afraid to fight back. My Mom begged me to just punch the kid. Finally I had had enough and I lost it and punched him. The bulling stopped. 

This is OP, afraid to act, his wife is bulling him. Lots of men get cheated on, but passive men get bullied. I am always stunned by some of the crap that WW do on these sites but inevitably the worse stories always have a passive man in them. I am convinced secretly their wives have no respect for them. Having respect for, is almost as important as love to woman. 

Being a man who has never cheated I can't really comment on the men who do it except I think they have no heart. My whole mission in life is taking care of my wife. It is my honor. A guy who doesn't, doesn't know what it is to be a man as far as I am concerned. 

Anyway that is just my two sense.


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## CantBelieveThis

BetrayedDad said:


> Can't even fathom this.... "I'm going to wait until my wife has had her fill of getting her brains fvcked out, then she will take me back!"
> 
> My god, where is the self respect?!? How broken are YOU? The mind games one has to play on themselves to accept this as a plausible scenario that will pan out.
> 
> Just astounding to me.


the things is this will like come back as huge resentment for him later down the road and its tough to deal with


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## *Deidre*

I've only read the first page - sounds like the wisest one in the initial story line is the OM's wife, who cut her losses and kicked her husband out. 

I can't imagine living like this, with such constant, high drama...


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## ThePheonix

sokillme said:


> I am convinced secretly their wives have no respect for them. Having respect for, is almost as important as love to woman.


Exactly. The wives have no respect for them; except its not in secret.
Having respect for her man is more important than love because without respect, she cannot love him in a romantic sense. In fact, without the requisite respect, she will detest him.


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## sokillme

ThePheonix said:


> Exactly. The wives have no respect for them; except its not in secret.
> Having respect for her man is more important than love because without respect, she cannot love him in a romantic sense. In fact, without the requisite respect, she will detest him.



But they get no respect because they don't lead, they are passive. They don't make their wives feel secure. I am not saying that these guys deserve to be cheated on, and I am not saying that this doesn't happen to leaders. However I am saying if you are a Man and you want a good marriage you better not be passive. You better lead. I also don't mean boss, I mean be active in the relationship and in setting the tone.


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## Evinrude58

sokillme said:


> But they get no respect because they don't lead, they are passive. They don't make their wives feel secure. I am not saying that these guys deserve to be cheated on, and I am not saying that this doesn't happen to leaders. However I am saying if you are a Man and you want a good marriage you better not be passive. You better lead. I also don't mean boss, I mean be active in the relationship and in setting the tone.


This is blaming the guy and not right. He has had his whole idea of marriage, his future, his wife--- torn away from him. It's a hard thing.
Yes, he should be more decisive. Yes, he's screwing up. I don't condone it, but I understand it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sokillme

sokillme said:


> I am not saying that these guys deserve to be cheated on, and I am not saying that this doesn't happen to leaders.


Did you not see this part, I specifically saying they don't deserve blame. I am saying they their response to it exacerbates the problem. 

I get it, I did it for a few months. I would never to it again though. I say this basically as a warning to Men/People in general. Never be passive in your own life!


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## BetrayedDad

sokillme said:


> But they get no respect because they don't lead, they are passive. They don't make their wives feel secure.


Disagree. As fvcked up as it is to say, and this ONLY APPLIES to women with immoral predispositions, it's the ones who feel secure who are more prone to cheat. Ever hear the saying, "The one who cares less has the power in the relationship?" It's 100% true. Whether you have been married 30 days or 30 years your spouse needs to understand you will bounce in a heartbeat and have another girl on your arm by the end of the week. Cheaters are insecure cake eaters first and foremost. The thought of YOU replacing them is horrifying to them.

I've seen it time and again. It's is only with their realization that you don't give a fvck about consequences that will keep them in line. Too many cheaters have the mentality, "Oh he'll take me back even if I get caught" because they have no respect for you and think your pathetic. A lot of times they are right. They detest you because they perceive you as passive nice guy so why wouldn't they test drive another penis? Why do you think the "bad boys" get fawned all over? Cause they are leaders? No, because they are unpredictable and always have options, a back up girl or an exit strategy.

It's with this mentality that she will consider you a PRIZE that she has to WORK for, to keep from other women, in her mind. That's why I encourage ALL men to hit the gym, stay in peak physical shape, DON'T let your sex rank fall below hers. Learn to flirt, be outgoing, occasionally make her jelly. If she thinks no one would have you and she can do better, she's going to go explore her options and plan B your ass because you are SECURE, STABLE and CAN'T DO BETTER. 

Disclaimer: Again, I'm not saying it's right. It's frankly twisted and fvcked up. But the truth is ugly. It doesn't apply to all women, just shady ones. Odds are you may have married a shady one and had no idea. After all isn't that why you're cruising the "Coping with Infidelity" forum? This is how you keep a broken woman in check if that is you goal. Me personally, I say dump the broken ho bag and go find a nice loyal girl to marry but some guys are gluttons for punishment.


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## TheTruthHurts

@BetrayedDad your assessment may apply to a portion of the population but certainly not mine.

In my experience, most women are respectable, responsible adults capable of having a deep, emotional and lasting committed relationship. There is no divorce among my siblings, parents, grandparents and many of the people o grew up with.

The men are earnest, hardworking guys who are well educated, generally affluent (compared to the average American) and responsible and reliable.

That base stability and earning potential may have a lot to do with the stable marriages. I don't think I've ever seen a neighbor leave someone for a physically better guy. It's just much lower on the scale of needs for this set of women, because home, family, financial security are all pretty well covered.

It's interesting and I always wondered about the divorce statistics. But having read His Needs Her Needs I have a much better understanding of these dynamics.

In fact, divorce is much more common as a result of TOO MUCH work commitment and financial success. In those cases, the men are working their a55es iff and traveling... and feeling proud and successful... but failing to meet basic emotional needs of their spouses.

So I guess you have to really consider your spouses needs and make sure you are fulfilling then. Still there's no guarantees, but I suspect most marital breakdowns are driven by unmet need (whether or not they've been communicated to the BS).

Maybe sex rank is more relevant in less affluent areas where financial stability needs aren't being met. Who knows...


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## TheTruthHurts

FYI - Some demographics for my town: 56% of households make more than $75k and 25% make 150k or more. The average house list price is $525k.

Maybe this makes people more inclined to stay together and work through issues?


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## lostmyreligion

BetrayedDad said:


> Ever hear the saying, "The one who cares less has the power in the relationship?" It's 100% true.


My oldest brother, bless him, was not an overly attractive man. Not homely, just not particularly tall or broad shouldered and had a black tooth (dead nerve). 

He was incredibly successful at picking up women. Especially in crowded situations. And they were always smoking hot.

When I was eighteen and just getting into bars, and he was twenty five, I asked him about it and his response was "Appeal to their ego". 

I said "What? Buy them drinks and talk them up?"

"No, let the morons buy them drinks. Scan the room when you walk in, pick the cutest, and look directly at her. Make sure you make eye contact and make sure you hold it long enough that she knows you saw her. Then ignore her. They can't stand it. By the end of the night, after they're liquored on every other guy's dime, they'll have enough courage to walk over and introduce themselves to try and figure out why you're not interested when they all are. If you can't figure it out from that point, you should probably give up now."

The funny thing is that even though it's B film Bond shtick, _it truly works_. I put it to the test in my twenties and was single and it was effective probably 7 outta 10. 

It's how I met my wife 23 years ago, and got her in the sack within 4 hrs. It's why she asked me to marry her a year later.


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## CantBelieveThis

lostmyreligion said:


> "No, let the morons buy them drinks. Scan the room when you walk in, pick the cutest, and look directly at her. Make sure you make eye contact and make sure you hold it long enough that she knows you saw her. Then ignore her. They can't stand it. By the end of the night, after they're liquored on every other guy's dime, they'll have enough courage to walk over and introduce themselves to try and figure out why you're not interested when they all are. If you can't figure it out from that point, you should probably give up now."


Dam, am headed to the bars this weekend, seriously , gotta give this a shot, if anything to piss off my xWW..


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## BetrayedDad

TheTruthHurts said:


> @BetrayedDad your assessment may apply to a portion of the population but certainly not mine.
> 
> 
> 
> BetrayedDad said:
> 
> 
> 
> this ONLY APPLIES to women with immoral predispositions
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> BetrayedDad said:
> 
> 
> 
> It doesn't apply to all women, just shady ones.
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...

I thought saying in twice would be sufficient haha. That portion is a significant cross section of broken people in general and not gender exclusive.


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## BetrayedDad

lostmyreligion said:


> The funny thing is that even though it's B film Bond shtick, _it truly works_.


It's not a mystery why either or some kind of jedi mind trick.

Not giving a fvck implies extreme confidence and women dig confidence.

Simple as that. Even after you get the girl, maintaining that mentality will get you far.

Date your wife in perpetuity. Just cause the ring is on the finger doesn't mean courtship ends.

And if she dogs you, being in peak physical condition and friendly with the ladies will make repping her a cinch.


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## lostmyreligion

BetrayedDad said:


> *Not giving a fvck implies extreme confidence and women dig confidence.*
> 
> Simple as that. Even after you get the girl, maintaining that mentality will get you far.
> 
> Date your wife in perpetuity. Just cause the ring is on the finger doesn't mean courtship ends.


Exactly this.

Emotional neediness kills relationships.


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## imaj

sokillme said:


> But they get no respect because they don't lead, they are passive. They don't make their wives feel secure. I am not saying that these guys deserve to be cheated on, and I am not saying that this doesn't happen to leaders. However I am saying if you are a Man and you want a good marriage you better not be passive. You better lead. I also don't mean boss, I mean be active in the relationship and in setting the tone.


OMG you are so simple minded. IF you ever look up and study a Psychopath or any personality disorder. You will find that personality disordered females are CONTROLLING! You will not get your way at all. That type of personality is also very needy in the attention dept. Therefore you will find that a lot of female cheaters fit into one of the disordered personalities. FACT!


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