# alcohol is ruining my marriage



## toews09

This is the first time I have posted on here, but I have been lurking and reading other posts for the last couple weeks. My DH and I have been married less than 3 months. Since the start of our relationship I have know that he was a heavy drinker. There have been several times that his drinking has caused a problem in our relationship. There have been fights, nights that he hasn't come home. This just happened 2 weeks ago. He went out for a drink with some co-workers after he got off. We both work at the same restraunt and have the same group of friends. Most of who are college students and do nothing but party. So after he was out he calls me at midnight and says he's out for a drink. Long story short, he never came home till the next morning. We had several days of fighting and talking and trying to figure out if we can continue this relationship. We both have issues, I have anxiety and can't really deal well with his heavy drinking. I told him that alot of the things that have happend in our relationship have made my anxiety worse. I used to be medicated for it when i was younger, but I have been able to deal with it until I met him. Now he brings that side of me back out. I dont want to go back on meds bc of the way they make me feel. 

So anyway, tonight he was supposed to meet with his buddies to have a meeting at 5:00 for his fantisy football. I texted him and texted him. Finally shortly after 9:00 and I haven't heard from him I load the kids in the car to try to go find him. I was 10 mins down the road and he finally calls me. I started yelling at him bc he was supposed to be home 3 hrs ago. So he gets mad at me bc I was yelling at him. Im sorry, but we just went thru this 2 weeks ago. Im tired of this and you can't talk to him if he's been drinking. Im just at my wits end. We have been married such a short time, and I know he loves me. He is the most amazing, caring, affectionate, supportive husband I could ever ask for. But when he drinks, he is a totally different person. And I hate that person! I dont want to go through another divorce. I got divorced a yr and a half ago. I thought I had finally found a man that was oerfect for my and he's so amazing with my kids. They absolutly adore him! His drinking is the one major problem I see in our relationship. I don't know what I am looking to hear from this thread, I just need to talk to someone who had been there. Will he ever change?


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## preso

Before I met my husband back in like 2005... I saw the most handsome man I ever saw in my life. When I laid eyes on him....
I couldnt breathe or time stood still .. not sure but it was 
really something....
it was like I couldn't loook away !!! He was absolutely beautiful and 
I was mesmerized... attracted strongly and he was looking at me too 


then....
I found out he was a drinker 
and I was able to look away faster than you could say
goodbye...

Funny how alcohol addictions can not only ruin marriages but also prevent them.

Far as what to do..... I don't know. I lost some family members to drinking (they basically drank themselves to death) and it is something I will not live with or tolerate in a relationship with a man or even a friend...
even if its with the most handsome man I ever saw in my life.

apparently... as I walked away from that guy.
With his good looks, bright eyes and adorable smile... I walked and never looked back.


From my experience with alcoholics, they sometimes can change but its a rough and long road... sometimes too they just change addictions from drinking to drugs or sex addictions. I feel it would be a very tough thing to be married to someone like that as that would be your partner... and that is a very scary thing to think about.


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## CarolineMRF

No, he will never change unless you make him change...You knew this when you married him...This is no surprise...You should not have to live with anxiety again...Medication is not good for you...He needs help with AA...This is where he belongs...You must take a firm stand on this...He must admit this and get help...This will be a challenge, but it can be done...Good luck...


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## milly

hi their 
ive not long left an alcholic relationship from hell of 12mths
things used to all so perfect but i soon relised his life depended on it and with that came the slowly occuring abuse and unpredictability i tried leaving him telling him if he keeps drinking like he is im gone we went to drug councelling they told him he needs to go to rehab to give up drinking he went cold turkey for 2 weeks when it was time for rehab he didnt want to go anymore then soon reverted back to drinking coming back worse then ever.
my answer is a leopard never changes it spots and the only person who can help him is him self, if only they can understand what it is doing to them and the people they love, its a very upsetting thing on all parts, i know i had to leave this relationship as you can end up living in fear of his addiction yet no one person is the same but alcholics often carry the same trait or comes up somewhere down the line.
i wish you luck but dont think its your job to make him change you are not the problem or the person creating it, its up to you to weather you can live this life as it is, because it wont change unless he sees the light and what its really doing to him.


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## GAsoccerman

Preso, your story reminds me, I saw this drop dead Georgous woman, everything was going well until she pulled out a cigarette and lit it up....I turned and walked away, she thought it was sexy, I thought it was gross...see ya!

I see you are both young, does he drink constantly or is this a weekend thing? 

How long can he go with out it?

See I like to drink, i like ****tails etc, BUT I don't need it and as I ahve gotten older I have moved away from the "getting drunk" to just enjoying the drink.

I am working nights right now, so I don't drink while working this shift, just not made for it. I always worried that I was a alcholohic since I love to drink, But I realized I wasn't the moment I was like, Nah I don't need to have a drink. My wife even offers to buy me beer and I 'll say don't bother, I have to work the next 5 days, I'll get some when i am off for the weekend.

before labeling someone a alchoholic, I would see if they can go a while without drinking to prove to you that he isn't. Also, being young going out with friends is normal in your 20's, I've crashed and many friends houses when to drunk to drive, which is a good thing. You don't want him driving if he has had to much.

Talk it out, communicate, see where you both want to go, if you label im to quickly he may resent it.

My sister in law always called her dad a Alcholhic even though I never saw it, he always did have a beer in his hand, but the same beer would last three hours. He usually drank it when his wife told him she didn't like something or was nagging him, before replying, he would take a moment, sip his beer before replying, his daughters never understood this, then I explained it to my wife. I said, your dad takes the sip of beer because in his mind he is yelling at your mother saying, "lady why are you bustuing my balls after all the hard work I just did??" when done with his sip he would reply, "yes dear"...LOL my wife got the idea once I demostrated it to her after she nagged me...lol

her dad was a wise man.

But the point is, we label to quickly, talk it over, set boundries and communicate, he may feel you are to needy, my wife was always good about me going out with my male friends, I was always a good boy, but i did enjoy going out where she liked to stay home.


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## optimistvik

You can change him for sure but you should have more patience. Since you know about his habits before marriage you should have been prepared for this. its not too late try to make him understand his actions are wrong. you say he loves you so surely he will listen to your words try saying him daily how you suffer because of his actions and how depressed you feel in a gentle way.


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## Lizzie60

Sorry.. but you CANNOT change him.. he has to change himself.. and from what I read.. he just doesn't care enough about you to change.. he has no respect... 

Give him an ultimatum (I am usually against ultimatums, since they're used right and left) but in your case, it's about the only way he will change.. if he WANTS to.

And if that doesn't work.. you have to follow through and leave him... you cannot put your kids into this kind of drama and pain... it's not fair to THEM... 

YOu need to be stronger.. much much stronger.. you shouldn't have married him in the first place.. as you knew then he had a problem..

Problem is.. a lot of women think they will change the man.. that it will get better if they marry them.. but most of the time.. the problem gets worst AFTER the marriage.. 

This guy still wants to live his 'single' life.. with his buddies... who are, from what I read, more important than you.. 

Sorry.. but you need to put your foot down.


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## foolz1

A person can change, but it is not all that common that they do or will. Not only that, a person should change or get help for themselves, not for someone else. If they don't do it for themselves, it usually is not a lasting change. 

You definately can't MAKE someone change, as the only person that you are truly in control of is yourself. 

Good luck and I wish you the best!


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## JoeB

Ultimatums don't work, trust me. The only thing that will work is if he has the realization that he will lose everything. My wife was an alcoholic and she put booze in front of everything. But when she realized that our fights, our financial problems, and her unhappiness was a direct result of her drinking. She has been sober for over one year now and she is doing great. Not one relapse and her cravings are nowhere near what they were. She did have very serious health issues that were caused by the drinking but now she is healthy and strong. She does not follow AA but I know plenty that do. Alanon is another org. that does great work with alcoholics' families. Try to find a way to communicate with him that will get your point across without creating a fight. My way was having a conversation with her that lasted for about 4 hours but she finally heard what I was saying. This was not our first conversation about it but I was able to get through to her. Remind him of any health problems he has that can be related to his drinking. Talk to him about the kids and how his drinking makes them feel. Lastly tell him you love him and you can't bear to watch him die a slow death in front of you. But don't make an all out threat to leave, that will cause aggravation. HE needs to want to quit, for any reason. Read up on AA literature and help him make a plan to quit. I hope this helps and good luck!


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## CaliRN

you found a man who was perfect for you????? and you knew he was a heavy drinker before u got married???? stop complaining and accept the mess that u got yourself into, u cant change him. U should get help for urself and try to figure out why u pick losers, poor kids in ur F*%^ K up marriage


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## MerryMerry

Go to an Al-anon meeting as fast as you can. You can lookup your local AA hotline and they will refer you to where the closest Al-anon meeting is. I am a recovering alcoholic with over 4 years of sobriety. You CANNOT change an alcoholic by any means. Repeat...you cannot change him...no ultimatums, no coercing, no bribing, no nothing. He has to hit his bottom and drag himself into AA to figure out how to stop. You can't do that in churches, hospitals, wishful thinking...nowhere else, just AA. However, you need to look out for yourself now, and Al-anon is a great source of fellowship of other people in your situation that can help solve problems together. Check it out. You will be amazed before you are halfway through.


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## JoeB

Do not depend on AA or Al-anon to fix anything though. The 2 of you must take the necessary that are outlined by AA and similar programs. Attending meetings are just one way to begin the road to recovery. I highly recommend going to a counselor for one on one sessions to get to the bottom of why you are both drinking.


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## voivod

MerryMerry said:


> You CANNOT change an alcoholic by any means. Repeat...you cannot change him...no ultimatums, no coercing, no bribing, no nothing. He has to hit his bottom and drag himself into AA to figure out how to stop


merrymerry,

let's be clear here. an alcoholic CAN change, but NO ONE BUT HIMSELF can change him. i, too, am a recovering alcoholic with 1 1/2 years under my belt. i hit rock bottom when my wife moved out.

another thing. AA has mixed reviews at best. so do all the other 12 step programs. don't DEPEND ON AA to be your "cure" or solution.


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## MerryMerry

voivod said:


> merrymerry,
> 
> let's be clear here. an alcoholic CAN change, but NO ONE BUT HIMSELF can change him. i, too, am a recovering alcoholic with 1 1/2 years under my belt. i hit rock bottom when my wife moved out.
> 
> another thing. AA has mixed reviews at best. so do all the other 12 step programs. don't DEPEND ON AA to be your "cure" or solution.


Voivod: I didn't say an alcoholic can never change, I said that no one else can change him/her. We're saying the same thing. Also, I didn't say AA was a Cure. If you are in AA you'd know that there is NO cure for Alcoholism. We'll be alcoholics until the day we did, but we can be _Recovering_ Alcoholics, which is completely different and provides hope. I don't know if you are actually in AA or not, but I can tell you that the chances of staying sober dramatically increase by going to meetings, doing the steps, working with a sponsor and helping others. It's worked for millions of people like no other program has. If you have a program of recovery that works better than AA then our hats are off to you. And I'd like to know who the "mixed reviews" are from...maybe from those who'd rather be drunk than sober I'm guessing.


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## voivod

MerryMerry said:


> Voivod: I didn't say an alcoholic can never change, I said that no one else can change him/her. We're saying the same thing. Also, I didn't say AA was a Cure. If you are in AA you'd know that there is NO cure for Alcoholism. We'll be alcoholics until the day we did, but we can be _Recovering_ Alcoholics, which is completely different and provides hope. I don't know if you are actually in AA or not, but I can tell you that the chances of staying sober dramatically increase by going to meetings, doing the steps, working with a sponsor and helping others. It's worked for millions of people like no other program has. If you have a program of recovery that works better than AA then our hats are off to you. And I'd like to know who the "mixed reviews" are from...maybe from those who'd rather be drunk than sober I'm guessing.


the failure rate of 12 step programs is abyssmal. to that end, you are correct. only the individual can fix the alcoholism. and i'm going to find for you AA's own published admission of failure to address your questioning the "mixed reviews" statement.

you referenced *my* "program of recovery." mine is simple. *don't ever, ever, ever* take another drink again. so maybe mine isn't for everyone. but it's works for me, since *may 19th 2008.* oh yeah, zero meetings since summer 2008.


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## larniegrl

It takes a HUGE amount of self-will/courage/determination to stop the cycle of alcoholism and choose to live a different way. Keep it up.


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## MerryMerry

This is from Alchoholics Anonymous Big Book: Chapter 5 - How It Works (by the way, AA is not for those who "need" it, but for those who like me, WANT it.) 

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. 
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it — then you are ready to take certain steps. 

At some of these we balked. thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. 

Remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power that One is God. May you find Him now! 

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. we asked His protection and care with complete abandon. 

Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery: 

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. 

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him , praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. 

Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. 

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventure before and after make clear three pertinent ideas: 

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives. 

(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. 

(c) That God could and would if He were sought."


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## pthseg

My wife drinks and gets so angry she shouts in front of the children that she wants to kill me


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## MerryMerry

pthseg said:


> My wife drinks and gets so angry she shouts in front of the children that she wants to kill me


That is so unhealthy and what she doesn't know is that she IS killing you..and the kids' emotional health. Go to an AlAnon meeting. Active alcoholics may not mean to cause such harm, but you shouldn't tolerate their unacceptable behavior in your life or the lives of your children. Please get professional help or get her some help.


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