# Should I stay? Should I leave? How bad can things be???



## not4ever? (Oct 14, 2015)

Married 19 yrs. 2 kids - 13 and 15.

He is not a bad husband and father. Well, I know he is not a bad father. Bad Husband? Not sure how to define it.

I was young when we got married - 22. He was my first serious relationship - he is the only person I have slept with in my life. I am now 42.

I was secure in our relationship. I mean - there were fights, but who doesn't have fights. We loved, fought, lived, traveled. When we did fight - there were very mean things said...but they were fights. We got over it and moved on.

For some reason, career for him never took him. I think he has judgement issues - which led him to doing questionable ethical things at work. He got fired from 6 jobs in a span of 7 years. Luckily for us, I had gone back to work after our 2nd child was one year old...and thankfully my career did well, so we were able to pay our bills while he went from one job to another.

Then comes infidelity. About 6 yrs ago, found emails on his phone - he had been sleeping with escorts. Prior to that, he had a relationship with a woman ( he says it was just phone conversations but I am not sure). Why did I still stay with him when I found out he was cheating on me? I don't know. Weakness? Not secure enough with myself to break away with 2 little ones? He didn't have a job then and I couldn't break it off? He was very sorry and apologetic.

Since then - do I know he is not doing it? I don't know. I hope he is not. But I don't know.

Our sex life - nonexistent. I feel no desire for him. Whatsoever. The last time I tried to set up a romantic night - he couldn't do it. Later told me I smelled not pleasant when I got excited.

Let me clear this out - I have a severe complex about my body. Flat chested. Have a paunch. About 140 pounds on a 5'3 frame. Couple that with knowing my husband cheated on me, and now the fact that I don't smell good - great, I am cringing about myself even as I type this. And, oh - did I mention - in fits of anger, he told me several times if I wasn't that bad in bed, he wouldn't have needed to look elsewhere?

Let me stress - I am probably not an easy person to live with. Have been told over and over again about my need to control; my ego; being too prone to being sensitive. But - in my defence, I needed to take control. When we first got married, and he handled everything - we would run up huge credit card debts because he wouldn't manage our finances. He lost jobs because he was not careful - I HAD to take control to ensure we were ok. Our friends ( basically his friends) make references to how controlling I am. He says he has never said anything to them - they see it and that is why they make references.

I love him - it is 19 years of togetherness. But I don't know what I am getting out of this relationship? He doesn't seem happy too - and I have talked about us separating, but he has talked me out of it. 

Yet, I can't gather up the courage to leave. I don't know why. I am successful professional in a leadership role - and here I am, in a relationship, being talked down to in a drop of a hat; told how complicated/self pitying/egotistical person I am. Each day is a matter of constant compromise. If I push back on anything that is said, and he does not agree - I am mean and I have an ego.

Why am I typing this? Because I need help. Do I go through the rest of my life in this relationship where I am made to feel, most of the time, how complicated/mean person I am? Or should I leave the security and initiate separation? I don't know what to do.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Oh my, your self esteem in is in the toilet, you had to step up to the plate because your WH is a complete ********* on every level. He has made you believe that his cheating is all your fault and you have let him!

He has so much to answer for, which is not your doing:

He is not ethical (6 jobs in 7 years), something very wrong there. What makes you think he will be ethical or moral with any other aspect of his life?
He is a serial cheater and you are still not sure about his current fidelity
He is financially unfaithful running up credit cards
He won't have sex with you, seems he is using you for financial security and comfort
A real man would be supporting his family and doing what good husbands do, he is not any of these things, he is a parasite.

YOu are a doormat, it is time to kick him out of your lives. Of course he has talked you out of seperating, there goes his cushy life, where he contributes nothing and can do whatever the h*** he likes!

This is not good for your kids to see this dynamic. Proceed with separation and divorce, you have more than enough reasons to! If you are a strong woman at work you can be a strong woman at home too, let your kids see that you will not be treated like this anymore, teenagers know more than you think. He says you are mean and have an ego, that is his way of controlling you and the outcome, do you really care deep down what he thinks of you,, he is a waster. And you say you cannot go because of security, what security are you talking about? You are financially independent, good career, no sex life, nothing, you have said you get nothing from this marriage.

Leave.


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## asdfjkl (Sep 26, 2015)

He makes you feel bad and you have nothing to gain.
I know from self experience that admitting that your marriage is just a sham anymore is a very tough thing for a successlul manager. Because at work we figth, we battle, we do things right and get things done. Everyone thinks of us as the guys who made it, who have everything under control and the ones who are truly happy. But actually at home - well, slightly (actually totally) different story. 

It took me 4 months of hard thinking to finally come to terms with myself and admit that I am just too frightened to call it a day. Now I have made up my mind. I am doing some preparations to have a clean separation (financially) and a I have count down running in Excel giving me the days and hours to seperation day  / . 

I do not know if it is your fault or not - I don't think so according to what you wrote. But in the end, it does not really matter. You are profoundly unhappy hence you have to change that. And the only way seems to be to kick him out.

Good luck and be brave, you can do that.

Regards

Markus


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

not4ever? said:


> Married 19 yrs. 2 kids - 13 and 15.
> 
> He is not a bad husband and father. Well, I know he is not a bad father. Bad Husband? Not sure how to define it.
> 
> ...





not4ever? said:


> Married 19 yrs. 2 kids - 13 and 15.
> 
> He is not a bad husband and father. Well, I know he is not a bad father. Bad Husband? Not sure how to define it.
> 
> ...


A lot of men have issues with how a woman's natural body odours change with life - just as many women folk don't like to see the young, nice hair, and muscle of their partner soften with ago. Again it's a cultural thing and his hang-up. If you're really concerned check things out with a doc, but much of it is just the hormone and tissue changes as a woman becomes less of a baby machine.

The finance thing is an issue, make sure he carries his weight.

Otherwise have a word to a counselor, one who can do more than the latest Cognative Behaviour Therapy, you want one that is more along the lines of a career trainer like athletes use, to find what lies you've learnt to tell yourself to survive, and what bad habits you've picked up at home. Chances are you're going to have to develop some other interests to cover your time instead of worrying about home, somewhere that people will support you without demanding everything from you first.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Have you ever gone to counseling?

I agree with the poster who said this man has put your self esteem in the toilet .


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

not4ever? said:


> Married 19 yrs. 2 kids - 13 and 15.
> 
> He is not a bad husband and father. Well, I know he is not a bad father. Bad Husband? Not sure how to define it.
> 
> ...


If you can afford it, please get in to individual counselling.

If not, here is one exercise that my counsellor had me do recently and it has helped.

Think about (and write down) all the pros and cons of staying together.

Then think/write down all the pros and cons of separating.

You are not a bad person for feeling the way you do, and anybody would become controlling after knowing their spouse ran up huge credit card debts and was unfaithful. The need to control arises because you're insecure about him...if he made you feel secure, you wouldn't be acting this way. I empathize.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

f you put a frog in a pan over a fire, it will jump away. But if you put a frog in a pot of cold water and slowly heat it over time, it will boil to death.

This is very similar to what's happened to you...a long-term conditioning process which has caused you to lose yourself.

So, in my opinion, before you make any decisions, you need to reset and figure out who you are and what you want in life.

Start taking care of yourself. Take some walks to start getting back in shape...start a little light weight training and yoga/stretching.

Then start making lists. Write down what you want and figure out if you can achieve those things with your husband.

You can't be in a good relationship with anyone unless you're whole and you have a good sense of self. You don't have that right now and you need to invest some time and energy in yourself.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

5' 3" and 140Lbs in your 40s!!! You are in great shape!!! DUDE


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