# My Wife Hates My Kids



## Gtarist62

Okay, everybody -- this is a complicated one....

Ten years ago I had a baby girl with a woman I'd been dating for only two months (when she became pregnant). We couldn't get along, and frankly, I wasn't in love with her, so we never got married. A few year later, we had a booty call and she got pregnant again with my son (!). I tried to do the right thing and stay with her, but there was just no happiness there, and we were always bickering, so we split up. But I still picked my kids up every day from school and kept them all afternoon while she worked.
Just over three years ago, I met "Dolly." I really fell for her, but we occasionally bickered about how much time I was spending with my kids. I decided that it was in everyone's best interest for me to cut back a little on the amount of time I was spending with them, so I went to 3 afternoons a week.
Then, Dolly got pregnant. I decided to propose to her because even though we were fighting sometimes, I still loved her and thought it would be great to have a baby with someone I loved for a change. Over the past two years, her intolerance of my other kids has blossomed into pure contempt. Here's an example: My daughter calls to ask if I can take them for ice cream. My wife says "if you do it, they'll be calling you every day asking for it." One evening, my daughter asked me if I could bring her and my son some McDonalds because their mom was working and there was nothing to eat in the house. My wife (who was at work at the time) said "what are you -- a delivery man now?" 
I've gone from seeing my kids 3 - 5 days a week to seeing them one day a week for about 3 -4 hours, and EVERY time they ask to see more of me, the answer from my wife is always "no." 
Now, I know what you're thinking: Why does he ask her for permission? Why doesn't he just pick them up?
The problem is, I've been trying to walk a fine line between keeping them happy and avoiding a big fight with my wife. And trust me -- EVERY time I do anything extra with my kids, Dolly and I have a fight, with her saying things to me like:
"You want two families."
"You're always putting your kids and that ***** above me and your daughter."
It's been so bad, that my mother won't ask me about my other kids in front of my wife for fear that it will start a fight between us. Dolly always refers to my ex as "the ****," or "the *****," because she feels that my ex was trying to trap me into marrying her by getting pregnant twice (I never did). 
I'm tired of seeing the look on my kids' faces when I tell them they can't go someplace with us. I'm tired of saying "no" when they ask me for ice cream. I've actually snuck over and picked them up for a few hours when my wife goes to work.
Believe me when I say, IF I DIDN'T HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS WOMAN, I'D HAVE KICKED HER ASS TO THE CURB YEARS AGO.
The problem is, I don't want my little girl to go through a broken marriage like my other two kids did. But I'm at my wits end over this, and have been feeling very depressed lately, I guess because I know it's inevitable that we will split up. Because I'm not going to abandon or neglect my kids for ANYONE. I'd rather be alone and get to see all three of my kids whenever I want than to stay with someone who treats me and my kids this way.

Any thoughts?

Thanks

Gt


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## draconis

Your children come first no matter what, period. When you where in there life you were a great father. Think like this if your ex meets a man and goes steady and your kids get to know him better and he treats them better then you do (for fear of your wife) also they start to call him dad. The road you are travelling it is possible.

draconis


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## demora

Kids are smart and in the long run it's better that they come from a "broken marriage" then an unhappy/unhealthy one. They pick up on tension, arguments, feelings, and lack of closeness probably more then anyone realizes.

I don't have kids so I'm not an expert, but I remember from my own childhood that I loved to see my parents happy more then I loved to see them together. And, your youngest daughter probably would very much enjoy spending a lot of time with her bother and sister. There is no reason why the 3 of them should not be close.

Don't let anyone mistreat your children, ever. And I would tell my spouse straight up, I'm a package deal. If you love me, then you love my children. If you are not willing to make the effort to love my children, then you aren't making an effor to love me.


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## Gtarist62

For the record -- my wife has never mistreated or been mean to my kids. She just doesn't want them around. She acts like they're a couple of wet stray dogs she doesn't want in the house.
She loves to tell me stories about other couples' dealing with kids and exes. Here's one of her faves:
"Other men who have kids and exes, when they get married and have a new baby, they move on. Their new family becomes the priority."
She acts as though she's got it so rough, dealing with my kids and my ex. It could be SO much worse for her. My ex (who would take me back in a heartbeat) and I get along fine (which drives my wife crazy) and my ex never calls to complain about how little time I spend with my kids. My kids call me 3 or 4 times a week, not every day as some kids do.
She says I'm "obsessed" with my kids. You can't be obsessed with your kids! I could understand if I still picked them up 5 days a week and called them every night at bedtime, etc. That would be a bit much.
I told her last night that I don't want to be with her anymore. She makes me feel like crap most of the time, and I'm tired of hurting my kids' feelings because of her. She said "good luck finding any woman who's tolerant of your situation. You've got three kids, you're 45, and you're not rich. Most women wouldn't want to put up with that."
I told her I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than alienate my kids and family (my wife doesn't get along with them either. It's a long story.)


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## Gtarist62

draconis said:


> Your children come first no matter what, period. When you where in there life you were a great father. Think like this if your ex meets a man and goes steady and your kids get to know him better and he treats them better then you do (for fear of your wife) also they start to call him dad. The road you are travelling it is possible.
> 
> draconis



Also, for the record, I'm not afraid of my wife. I've just been trying to keep a bad situation from escalating. In the meantime, I've been hoping things would get better with time and she'd change. But it looks like she never will, and I'm too friggin' old to be wasting my life with someone like this.


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## draconis

I could understand if I still picked them up 5 days a week and called them every night at bedtime, etc. That would be a bit much.
************************************************

You can never spend to much time with your children, period.

draconis


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## sarahdale24

WOW- no offense but your wife sounds like a b****. I'm sorry. but your kids come first NO MATTER WHAT. Look at it this way, if you divorce her, have visitations with ALL THREE kids at the same time and WAM your three kids get along, you're trying to keep that together, you can spend as much time as possible with your kids, no nagging etc. Your daughter will sense the tension and it will be worse if you stay in this.

Oh and BTW, hypothetically, no matter HOW old you are, or how much money you have, if your a good man, kids or not there's someone who would be with you that you could truly love. Your wife is nuts if shes in that much denial...thats a CONTROL issue there! 

My advice?? GET OUT while you are still young!!!


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## Andrea

Gtarist62 said:


> For the record -- my wife has never mistreated or been mean to my kids. She just doesn't want them around. She acts like they're a couple of wet stray dogs she doesn't want in the house.


That right there sounds contradicting. 

First things first....your kids are your priority. Youre wife needs to realize this. It sounds to me like she is jealous of your kids and is trying to control you and prevent you from seeing them! And sounds like she is sucessful! I dont know about you but my kids are my life, i love and cherish them no matter what and i would NEVER NEVER tolerate that behavior from my spouse. 

My ex (my two oldest kid's dad) put his new girlfriend and his drug use before the kids for several years. my kids got continually pushed back. they called him less and less. they saw him less and less. the relationship between the ex and the kids was weakening due to his actions of putting others before them. I got married and the kids stuck to my husband. he considers them his own and they treat him like he is their real dad. my ex has accepted this cause he knows it was because of his actions. He has cleaned up since then and has visitation rights. but the kids relationship has been damaged because he pushed them away and saw them less and less, which is pretty much what you are doing. I would hate to see this happen to you since you sound like a caring father who seems to want to do the right thing. 


Please reconsider what you are doing, I dont want this to happen to you.


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## stav

I'm sorry but..

Your wife doesn't hate your kids, she is feeling threatened by them. To her you are putting the first woman and her kids with you, ahead of her and the daughter you had together. It is natural protective instinct. She feels her daughter is not getting the love and attention you are giving to the other 'first' kids. What are you doing to show her otherwise? You could try being a bit more considerate of your wife's feelings about this. You should find that once she is more secure in her place, she will stop being so jealous of the time you spend with the others. 

I also think you must cut ties with the first mother, who i am sure is a threat. After all you dumped her when she had your child, then went back to her years later and had another! Whats to stop you doing it again? I am not suggesting you will, but this is how your wife is seeing it. 

When you are asked to take the kids for icecream, take all of them together.. and take your wife too.. then its a family outing with your wife as the matriarch figure. Kids are wonderful things, and your wife as a mother won't be able to resist cute little munchkins running about while you and she have a cappuchino or whatever. You appear to be cutting your wife out of your times with your other kids instead of including her... worth a try maybe?

Oh, and as for mother number one.. she's at work and two small kids are home alone with no food? wtf?? Over here it's illegal to leave children under 14 alone at home unsupervised by an adult..


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## Liza

I do feel it for you, yourwife should be comforted in the fact that you love your kids and will stand by them (including the one you had with her). It's just sad, but does it make sense to have the kids in that kind of atmosphere all the time? Your other kids willl start to resent her if that has not started already.


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## onlylovecanforgive

i think your wife should have known what she was getting herself into before she said i do. she already knew you had kids and if she decided to marry you knowing this then she is wrong.you should not ever put your children second or last to anyone or anything.past relationships with children should not be pushed away just because you found a new relationship. i wish you the best of luck


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## Gtarist62

Stav:

A) My baby daughter gets more attention than should be legal from me. She's my world. In my profession, I work very few hours, so I have a lot of free time, which I spend with her and my wife. My wife is the problem, not me.
B) I have cut ties with my ex, but as you probably realize, there are times when I will have to have an actual conversation with her regarding our kids. It's inescapable.
C) My wife doesn't see my kids as cute little munchkins. She sees them as a pair of wet, stray dogs that need to be kept out of the house. I wish it were otherwise, but she has no desire to be a matriarchal figure to them. When I've suggested taking my kids to get ice cream with us, my wife invariably says "if we take them once, they'll be asking to go with us every time."
D) My ex wasn't away at work. She works out of her house as an online customer service rep. My apologies for not mentioning that. She's actually a capable mother, doing the best she can with limited income.
Thanks for your response. It was good to see someone trying to understand my wife's position in all this. Everyone else thinks she's a *****. =)

Cheers


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## stav

Well it sounds like your ex is the greatest woman/mother that ever lived and your wife is a useless jealous evil woman.. So tell me, why aren't you still with perfect ex?

Sorry, I am not intending to be rude, but this is YOUR wife. You chose her, and I presume you love her, or did once. 

It's jealousy on her part, pure and simple, she sees your kids and mrs perfect ex as a threat, and this is down to insecurity. You are never going to work through that without professional help and a lot of hard work from you to break down those barriers. So the question is, are you prepared to fight to make it work?


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## Gtarist62

stav said:


> Well it sounds like your ex is the greatest woman/mother that ever lived and your wife is a useless jealous evil woman.. So tell me, why aren't you still with perfect ex?
> 
> Sorry, I am not intending to be rude, but this is YOUR wife. You chose her, and I presume you love her, or did once.
> 
> It's jealousy on her part, pure and simple, she sees your kids and mrs perfect ex as a threat, and this is down to insecurity. You are never going to work through that without professional help and a lot of hard work from you to break down those barriers. So the question is, are you prepared to fight to make it work?


"Mrs Perfect Ex?" Now you sound like my wife. No, if my ex was perfect (for me), we'd still be together. And I have been working hard to keep things together with my (almost) perfect wife. But the fact is, my ex is acting mature about the situation and my wife isn't. So there. Nyah, nyah, nyah.


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## stav

Now you are just being silly, you asked for our input, you are getting it... you can't just have the bits you like! 

Again, I am saying that to me your wife sounds jealous, and is worried she is taking second place to your previous family. This is a sign of insecurity, and you will have to work hard to convince her that she is the number one in your life, but that you are not the kind to shirk your other responsibilities. What you then have to decide is whether you think she is worth putting so much effort into.


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## MyKidsMom

Wow, Ok let me start by saying Im a step mother to a perfect teen age daughter that is almost 16 in other words (my daughter by heart) I may have hated her mother and now got along with her mother, but my god they are just kids. 

Im sorry if this sounds mean but he77, Kick that B*(&% to to curb. Your kids are just that YOUR kids and she should support you. What would happen if the shoe was on the other foot, and she was number one mother of your child? and number 2 steped in saying no no no. 

One more thing what advice would you give your kids if this was happing to them in their life. Would you say turn your back or ???????????? 

I don’t know about you but I would and never have told my husband No, when it comes to his daughter, no matter how much it hurt me,cause for one it’s not about ME. She(step-daughter) is a blessing and I chose to think of every minute I get to spend with her as god sent. Cause of her I almost did not have kids cause I was so happy with my life being a parental unit to her. 

Wow I want to kick this gal in the head. I’m so heated right now ugggggggggggggg. All I know is that I love my step-daughter like she was my own and I would never want for anything to hurt her especial your DADDY.

I know I have not helped but I think you need to know These are your KIDS stick up for them, cause no one else is going to do it but you DADDY.

Sorry for this post but I feel very strongly about my kids no matter if they came from me or not.


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## Gtarist62

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, it's frustrating for me because I see how my wife is with our daughter, and I wish she could show 1/10th of that love to my other kids. I keep hoping she will warm to them a little. Maybe in time she will, but it's been four years now.


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## MyKidsMom

Gtarist62- She will never warm up to them sorry, it is what it is. I would not stand for this for one minute. These are your blessings from above stick up for them. Sorry I just cant and wont get over the fact that she is so cold. It is not the kids fault that they were born hello and things are the way they are just be lucky as a woman that you found a wonderful man and he loves his kids. I know plenty of men out there that would turn a blind eye on there children if it did not work out with their mothers. She should feel blessed all the way around.


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## lollipop

stav said:


> Now you are just being silly, you asked for our input, you are getting it... you can't just have the bits you like!
> 
> Stav you sound like a very smart woman. You hit it right on the nose. I was in a similar situation and that is exactly how I felt. I didn't hate the other kids, they were cutie pies, but my husband soon to be ex would feel guilty about them and ignore my 1yr old when they were around. For example...He took all 3 kids out with him and I met them there and saw that while he was playing with his older kids my 11month old at the time was crawling around unsupervised and his back was turned to her.
> 
> There is always 2 sides to a story, gtarist62, you sound like a difficult man to get along with, and for the record women sense things. When you sneak around like taking your kids when she is at work instead of being honest it causes distrust. It's easier to get over an arguement then to gain trust again. She probably felt like you were hiding something.


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## Mrs. Mongalo

"Your wife doesn't hate your kids, she is feeling threatened by them. To her you are putting the first woman and her kids with you, ahead of her and the daughter you had together. It is natural protective instinct. She feels her daughter is not getting the love and attention you are giving to the other 'first' kids."

I AGREE fully!! I am married to the love of my life, and together we have a beautiful little girl.. Well my husband has a 3 yeard old son with a woman who he could not stand from the start, but because she was EASY he just stuck with it... In the beginning of our relationship this woman stalked us, called us, harassed us in every sense of the word... She would constantly tell me that I am nothing to her sin just a babysitter, and to stay away from him... Over time, that wore me down and I just stopped paying attention to him... Then when she found out I was pregnant, she actually called me and said " YOU WILL GET WHAT YOU DESERVE, I HOPE YOUR BABY DIES".. Imagine what that did to me!! Then she would say "Well at least now youcan stop PRETENDING with mine"... So yeah, I was put through HELL for a while... 

Well, now things have calmed down and everyone is civil... However my relationship with my step son has never returned to what it used to be... It doesnt help that my mother in law blatantly FAVORS him over MY daughter right there in front of me! And trust me I do not imagine this... Members of my husbands OWN family have confirmed that with me... It is just sooooo hard to WANT my stepson around! Also, in the Hispanic culture the FIRST born is ALWAYS treated differently, and I KNOW that... They all make it very clear that my stepson came FIRST!! 

Sometimes I just wanna scream to all of them "MY HUSBAND DIDNT EVEN WANT THIS KID... HE HIMSELF KNOWS HE SHOULD NOT HAVE MESSED AROUND WITH THAT WOMAN AND JUST BECAUSE HE IS THE FIRST BORN TO YOU, HE IS NOT TO ME, AND I EXPECT MY DAUGHTER TO BE TREATED THE SAME!!!" 

So believe me, she does not HATE your kids... But she probably DOES feel some resentment that they are not HERS with you!! Its never fun to deal with baby momma drama and kids from another relationship that just reminds her constantly that you have a past... Now granted she KNEW that when she met you... But it doesnt make it easier... Just be patient with her... And really be sure that when its you, her and YOUR child to give them extra attention and extra love... Because she might not be feeling that from you... She might be feeling that you dont love THIS child as much as your others because this one was not your FIRST... And this IS her first... If I remember correctly... So just make sure to remind her that THIS child was born out of LOVE... Unlike the first 2... And that might make her feel a little more assured that her and your daughter are just as much a priority as your other kids...


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## Goodkatt

Hello GT,

Thank God for good fathers like you. :smthumbupO NOT LET ANYONE GET IN BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN!!! NO ONE! NO ONE! NO ONE!

You know what the right thing is and that is why you are getting depressed. Dolly needs some boundaries. It is not appropriate for her to call the mother of your children names and to get in between you and your children. 

Your children should always be number one; all of them. Dolly needs to understand that your first two children born are your family and this is not up for negotiation. She should be proud that you are a good father. She should welcome your children and try to be a positive stepmother in their life. Your youngest daughter’s life is blessed with your first two born children. Dolly needs to “grow up” and be a good wife and a good mother to her daughter. She should promote all of the children being together and loving each other. Dolly needs to get clear on how destructive she is being to you and all three children. Shame on her!!

We have all heard about dead-beat-dads. Dolly should be grateful that you are a loving and caring father who is active in all his children’s lives. Dolly needs to wake up and count her blessing to have such a wonderful husband and father for her daughter. 

Remember: Girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands and wives may come and go, but your children will always be your children. Love them and be the type of parent you wanted and they need. The love that you give your children will give them a solid foundation to life. If you are not active in your children’s lives, if you are not emotionally available to them, they will experience a love deficiency and look for that love elsewhere. This could be very damaging.

Do not let Dolly have control and diminish the quality of your relationship with any of your children. She knew you had children when she married you, and she needs to deal with it. She needs to learn that no one has the option to get in between any of your children. NO ONE!!

Do what whatever is necessary to create a positive and loving environment for you and all of your children. 

Good luck and keep being a fantastic dad!! Take your younger daughter with you when you pick up your other children for ice cream. :flowerkitty:


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## Maxie

I'm a step-mother myself. I was not easy the first few years. Being a step-mother is hard because there are pre-existing demands on your husband's time and you never really get that honeymoon period that couples with no preexisting obligations have. That doesn't mean however that your wife is right to threat your children badly. She knew they were there going into the marriage. She can't expect to cut them out now. Have you shown this thread to your wife? She may need to see it to get a different perspective. It may make her angry at first but I bet she will think about some of the things that have been said. You might even want to invite her to come tell her side of the story. 




Gtarist62 said:


> I decided that it was in everyone's best interest for me to cut back a little on the amount of time I was spending with them, so I went to 3 afternoons a week.


Sorry, but it never in a child's best interest to see less of their parents.



Gtarist62 said:


> Then, Dolly got pregnant.


My goodness, three accidental children? Do you know about birth control?




Gtarist62 said:


> Over the past two years, her intolerance of my other kids has blossomed into pure contempt.


She needs to grow up. These are your children also and she knew they were there before she married you. She is an adult and they are children and that is the way she needs to start acting.



Gtarist62 said:


> Here's an example: My daughter calls to ask if I can take them for ice cream. My wife says "if you do it, they'll be calling you every day asking for it." One evening, my daughter asked me if I could bring her and my son some McDonalds because their mom was working and there was nothing to eat in the house. My wife (who was at work at the time) said "what are you -- a delivery man now?"


Again, she needs to grow up. You are not a delivery man for taking food to your own kids. I'm sure she expects you to do these kind of things with her child, does she not understand these kids need their father also??





Gtarist62 said:


> The problem is, I've been trying to walk a fine line between keeping them happy and avoiding a big fight with my wife. And trust me -- EVERY time I do anything extra with my kids, Dolly and I have a fight, with her saying things to me like:
> "You want two families."
> "You're always putting your kids and that ***** above me and your daughter."


Obviously she has the other mother and the kids linked in her mind. I am assuming that you don't include the other mother when you do things with your kids - if you do then I would understand your wife's anger over the other mother (but not the kids).




Gtarist62 said:


> It's been so bad, that my mother won't ask me about my other kids in front of my wife for fear that it will start a fight between us.


That's a shame that a grandmother can't ask about her own grandkids. I'm sure that doesn't help your wife's relationship with your mother. 



Gtarist62 said:


> Dolly always refers to my ex as "the ****," or "the *****,"


Okay I will say it yet again - she needs to grow up. Name calling is so inmature.



Gtarist62 said:


> because she feels that my ex was trying to trap me into marrying her by getting pregnant twice (I never did).


Well maybe she was and maybe she wasn't, but obviously you didn't go for it and Dolly needs to take note of that fact. But whatever the motive of the other mother it is not the kids fault, they have no control over the circumstances into which they were born.




Gtarist62 said:


> I'm tired of seeing the look on my kids' faces when I tell them they can't go someplace with us. I'm tired of saying "no" when they ask me for ice cream. I've actually snuck over and picked them up for a few hours when my wife goes to work.


You shouldn't have to sneak to see your own children. It sounds like you are bending over backwards to avoid trouble with Dolly and it isn't working, so why keep making your kids suffer? Start picking them up again. Tell Dolly ahead of time that you are doing so and try to include all three of your children at one time and include Dolly also.




Gtarist62 said:


> I'd rather be alone and get to see all three of my kids whenever I want than to stay with someone who treats me and my kids this way.


Sadly it may seem like that may be the only option. Can I give a little advice and say that if you and Dolly do split up that you be extra careful to not impregnate any more women anytime soon - it sounds like your life is complicated enough without another woman and child. I'm not saying don't have a social life but you may need to spend the next few years consecrating on you kids - all three of them. These are the formative years and how involved these kids are with their parents will have an effect for the rest of their life. We all know boys need a strong father figure, and studies show that girls with an involved father are less likely to engage in sex at a very young age, but girls with no father or poor father figure are at an increased risk of early teenage pregnancy and other risk factors. So don't think for one second that your kids don't need you to be involved and be a good role model.


Feel free to print out my reply and show it to Dolly, it won't hurt anything if she gets mad at me.

I would also recommend counseling for you and Dolly. If she really cares about you and her marriage she will go.


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## crazycasey

Wow, I can't believe your wife would treat you in such a way. Shouldnt she think that its admirable that you love your kids and want to spend time with them? If you and her were divorced, would she not want you to spend the same amount of time with her children? I think that your kids should come first and anybody that has kids should know this. The love that you have for your kids outweighs all others. She sounds selfish and childish to me and I think that really, she needs to grow up and get over it. She knew you had other children when she decided to get pregnant by you and marry you. Maybe counseling or a couple of good books on the subject might do her some good. At least if she did some couseling, you would have a non-biased party that would let her in on the fact that caring for your children isnt such a bad thing!


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## puresugar

stav said:


> I'm sorry but..
> 
> Your wife doesn't hate your kids, she is feeling threatened by them. To her you are putting the first woman and her kids with you, ahead of her and the daughter you had together. It is natural protective instinct. She feels her daughter is not getting the love and attention you are giving to the other 'first' kids. What are you doing to show her otherwise? You could try being a bit more considerate of your wife's feelings about this. You should find that once she is more secure in her place, she will stop being so jealous of the time you spend with the others.
> 
> I also think you must cut ties with the first mother, who i am sure is a threat. After all you dumped her when she had your child, then went back to her years later and had another! Whats to stop you doing it again? I am not suggesting you will, but this is how your wife is seeing it.
> 
> When you are asked to take the kids for icecream, take all of them together.. and take your wife too.. then its a family outing with your wife as the matriarch figure. Kids are wonderful things, and your wife as a mother won't be able to resist cute little munchkins running about while you and she have a cappuchino or whatever. You appear to be cutting your wife out of your times with your other kids instead of including her... worth a try maybe?
> 
> Oh, and as for mother number one.. she's at work and two small kids are home alone with no food? wtf?? Over here it's illegal to leave children under 14 alone at home unsupervised by an adult..


I have only seen my boyfriend of a 1 year's daughter once and then he wonders why i feel like i do. He never includes (included) me in anything. This daughter happened to "show up" during the first 6 months of our relationship. the mother got pregnant (she told him she couldn't have any more kids) and then they broke up (he didn't know she was pregnant, he can't stand her, and doesn't want to be with her). She feels guilty and finally brings her around when she was 3 months old. She is now almost 9 months or so. I constantly try to be a part of his kids life. I get mad because he won't let me be a part of their lives. I do not have any children, yet. I am 28 he is 30. I may not ever be able to have childer so i feel maybe god brought this "baby" into our lives so I have a chance to feel what it's like to be a mother. But the more time that goes by and he goes to see her and spends time with her "excluding me" the more i honestly resent the child and i know that it's not the child's fault but i can't help it. That is why i am trying to find something on the internet that can help me understand the way i do. The reason i "hate his kids". and that's when i came across this and it's soooo true. I can somewhat understand where your wife is coming from. If you are not including her then she is going to feel left out. Granted those are your children and she is not their mother. She wants to feel as if you are ONE happy family verses you living TWO seperate lives. You need to include her or at least talk with her. I have came so close to leaving him because of his kids because i feel like such an outsider and then he gets mad at me if he catches me "rolling my eyes" when he talks about his kids. He knows i can't stand him talking about his kids because it's like well if you don't allow me to be a part of their lives then why should i care? Okay sorry i know this post has a lot to do with my situation, but i just wanted to give you an insight of what your wife is maybe feeling since from what you say, it sounds like we are going through the same thing. he used to call her EVERY NIGHT, he used to text the baby momma EVERY DAY, CALL EVERY DAY.. - i mean that is good and all, but when it comes to visitation if we are together then we are ALL together. For the record, i am a really loving caring person that WANTS to be a part of his kids life, but he's not allowing me so i end up turning against them instead. And i too feel threatened sometimes by the kid, because he left me to go live with his mother when the kid showed up on his doorstep at 3 months, so i always have it in the back of my head that he may leave me again because of his kids, just as your wife might think okay he had one, then went back to her and had another, who's to say that you are not doing the do again and won't be together, Granted you said that you don't want the ex back, but just giving you probably your wife's point of view. I have never given him any reason for him to not bring them around me. I know he doesn't want the baby momma back and when he goest to see his daughter, he goes when his mother has her. We do live together and i have seen the baby once. Sorry i just had to get this all off my chest. 

My advice - sit her down (if the two of you are still together) talk about it. Try to include her, reassure her that she and your current daughter are just as important. Have her think about what if someone was trying to keep her from her daughter, reassure her that you for real don't want the ex. It even helps to talk about the ex (don't have to in front of the kids) but it makes her feel better - trust me i know from a womans point of view. Take her for dinner. I know it may sound good to have a good relationship with the ex for the sake of the kids, but that's not something the current wife/girl wants because she will feel threatened and cheated, so you may want to reduce the bond between you and your ex but not between you and your kids.


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## Gtarist62

Actually, I'm very easy to get along with. I went from seeing my other kids 3 -4 times a week to seeing them ONCE a week for about 4 hours. I did it because my wife wanted me to "concentrate on my new family." I went along, hoping it would be a temporary thing, but she drives me crazy while I have them, doing things like calling me 3 MINUTES after the time I'm supposed to drop them off, and if I haven't, she says things like "what - they're getting bonus time today??"
Anyway, I filed for divorce and now she's keeping me from seeing our daughter. She's the one who's "difficult to get along with."


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## Gtarist62

PURESUGAR
The difference is, my wife does not want to be a part of my kids' lives. She has even suggested I get DNA tests done on them to make sure they are mine. When I pick them up on my ONE DAY with them, she jumps in her car and takes our daughter to her mother's house.
As for your situation, it's terrible that your boyfriend doesn't include you in his child's life. You have the right to resent him for that, and I know it's hard to not resent his child, too, but it's a natural reaction. Another thing: Try hard to listen to his little stories about his kids. You may not think it means much, but that's his way of reaching out to you. I know how frustrating it can be to tell your wife about something funny or interesting your child did, only to see her roll her eyes. It _hurts_, man. My wife always gets a constipated look on her face when I talk about my other kids, and I know she's not the least bit interested, but if she ever acted like she was, it would really make me feel good.


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## Gtarist62

I think it's ludicrous to suggest I "cut ties" with the mother of my kids. How exactly would one do that? I barely have contact with her, other than to let her know when I'm picking them up. And I didn't "dump her" and then go back and have another kid. I stayed with her, even though I didn't love her, and eventually she got pregnant again.


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## GAsoccerman

i skimmed through did not read everything so please forgive me.

Now I come from a house were my father died when I was 1 year old, and my mother dated a man since I was 5 years old, they married when I was 14 yrs old...Now we knew each other a long time, but when we moved in, everything drastically changed.

His family lived 1 way, my family lived another.

We have 5 kids oon our side, they had 4 kids...With me being the youngest out of the 9 kids. So basically everyone was older and pretty much out of the house, except a few of us, me and my sister and 2 step brothers...now we all knew each other already for 9 years. But now all of a sudden we lived together.

My family was very open and leberal....IE sharing things, clothes, food, etc.

Other family very strict, shared nothing, food "labelled theirs" complete 180 from our lifestyle.

Now after many fights and rough times the kids realized....we were not the problem, the parents were...

My step brothers could do nothing right in my mother's eye's. My sister and I could do nothing right in their father's eye's. After all we were teenagers.

We figured this out and we temed up against the parents, stuck up for one another against our own parent, etc.

Rough times, the biggest issue was I Look exactly like my father, and my mother would let it be known, so made my step-father hate me even more, wanted nothing to do with me.

I am now 38, my mother passed away last year. My step-father still resents me, we do not like each other, no change.

But I was never "mean" we just did not talk, people asked my position, I said and I stand by this...

He was good for my mother and what she needed at the time, But he was not good for me, but I am fine with him as long as he takes care of my mother and treats her right.

I'll put it this way, I paid my own way through college by joining the Army and working 2 jobs while in school, plus loans...My step-family....all paid for by my step father. 

My step father sold our house soon as I was 18 and was kicked out, all my sisters and brotherrs were mad (including step) they knew I got shafted and did not understand why. I was a good kid, a/b student, never in trouble, always worked, no drugs, ton's of friends, but there was something that he did not like about me and I guess it was jealousy that I was exactly like my father, hard to compete against a ghost I suppose, or a memory.

But my advice is this, Either she learns to love and accept your children, or you should move on with out her. Because it will never EVER change unless SHE makes the effort, any kid at any age will accept LOVE, but SHE needs to get over whatever is holding her back.

Counseling is needed. If she can't open her heart to your children....Then I recommend moving on without her.

I have three Children, Whom I LOVE dearly, probably more so then most, because I fill a void that has been empty all my life, I do not wish that on any child.

As their father you must do what is best for THEM.

that is the bottom line.


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## Gtarist62

GA

I feel for you, man. The sad fact is, people are generally insecure, some more than others, and your stepdad and my wife seem like they were made for each other.
We tried counseling. The counselor threw his hands in the air and told her she needs to grow up and deal with the fact that I have kids.
My wife and I had a fight last month, and she moved in with her mom and took my little girl with her. She cleaned out my bank account and will not let me take my daughter for the day. So 2 weeks ago, I filed for divorce and full custody.


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## GAsoccerman

WOW sorry to hear that, but it may be for the better int he long run.

Do you have your bank records before she cleaned it out? you will need that. (Co-worker same thing happened)

Talk to a lawyer and discuss your legal options

I am really sorry it came to this, but it may be for the better.

Just look out for your little girl, I watch a couple get divorce and use her as a pawn, very sad and I wish I could kick both parents butt's. 

Children are not pawns and should be left out of divorce. This makes me very sad.


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## stav

Sorry to hear this 

I still think it is insecurity on her part rather than hatred. If as the counsellor says, there is a question about maturity, then that is probably part of the reason why she cannot adjust to your previous children. Childish jealousy.

Can I just say, I notice that you keep refering to her as 'my daughter'. Please remember that she is the daughter of both of you, when the time comes for separation. After all, considering the things that happened to you regarding your other kids, the last thing you want to cause, is the same situation for your daughter in the future.


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## Kenya26

Ok...I am going to come at this topic objectively. Unlike the other repliers, I feel that your wife comes first b/c I believe in the Bible and it says so. However, her behavior and attitude towards your other children is not healthy for them or you. It is not fair to make a person choose between their kids and their marriage. It sounds like she is allowing her strong dislike for this other woman to overshadow her better sense of judgement. Sometimes we women can do that and we have to be careful of that. Your other children are a constant reminder to her of your past with this other woman that had the opportunity to have you and your children before she did. Sometimes it is hard to deal with your spouses past, and it seems like she is a little insecure. I don't think you need a divorce just yet, but you guys do need counseling right away, and you have to put your foot down a little more and suffer the consequences associated with that. You are the man in your home and as long as you are not disrespected your wife by seeing this other woman, you having a relationship with your children should be allowed. I would not snick around, but instead tell her what you are doing with your children, invite her and deal with the blow up later. It is worth it for your children. I am married to a man who was previously married and I think I know a little bit about what she is feeling. It is hard to always deal with someones past when you are trying to form a future with them. Everyone can say "divorce her, put your kids first, she should be understanding and accepting". But until you have actually been in a similar situation you can't rightfully judge her state of mind and her heart.


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## Gtarist62

I realize that my daughter is "our" daughter. It's a pity my wife doesn't. My only hope now is that I get a judge who sees me for what I am - a good father - and recognizes what a bad thing my wife is doing and rewards me joint custody. I've filed for full custody, but I've already offered my wife a deal: I have our daughter for 3 sleepovers a week and 2 weekends a month. She gets more custody of her, but that's okay, because deep down I believe that a little girl belongs with her mom (most of the time). She balked on the deal, so it looks like we're going to court. And unless my wife walks into court and lies about me, I think she's in for a big surprise. Judges don't tolerate parents who won't let the other see the child. I've heard nightmare stories about women who lie and say their husband molested their child or was violent, etc. I wouldn't put it past my wife to try that strategy.


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## stav

I am sure the courts will see that you are being reasonable, and make sure you have access to your daughter. Things have changed quite a bit, and the automatic 'with mom is best' attitude of the courts is changing. 

Good luck. Hope that it's resolved with the minimum of pain for all involved.


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## leah1987

leave the wife bc its not healthy for your daughter to be around this type of behaviour and she would be better off seeing her parents not fighting and being happier...then your kids can actually share a bond that they arent getting now. you seem like a truly loving father and you know whats best.


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## Liza

It's really sad to see your family break up like that. Please ensure the next relationship you get into, you take time to know the person, don't readily speak about this to your new "mate".Just watch how she reacts and interacts with your kids first, because some people can really pretend. Just so you don't get burnt like that again.


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## Jenni

The truth of the matter is that single moms have a harder time finding mates than single dads. I say this as an experience and seeing it among my girlfriends. Men would more often refer our kids as baggage and be jealous of the ex. I was an attractive woman who chose to be stay on my own and raise my kids and not to deal with drama in my life. I dated but my kids always came first. Now, they are gone and it is time for me. I learnt the fact that nobody wants other people's children and less if the ex is still around. That is why they say that second marriages are less likely to last. There are just too many people in the picture getting on each other's nerves. My advice? If you love your kids so much, do everyone a favor and wait until they grow up before you get seriously involved with anyone.


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## humpty dumpty

put your wonderful children first be the best dad you can . and you know you are deep down you know its wrong to treat your children this way


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## smoochybryantchad

Well first of all you got to be smart! And have a plan on how to resolve this that will be up to you. But from experience my mother married a man that hated me, Very Selfish of her and it did ruin years of my life. But you have a kid by the other momma too, hmm What really works only you would best know but maybe just explain to your wife that your kids are only little ounce and then they will grow up, so it wont always be like this. Assure your wife that u love her the most! Shes insecure sounds like you have to boost her confidence. But you have to love your kids first cus you cant exspect the second wife to love them for you, they only have one father and thats You! :smthumbup: 


Chad P:S If that dont work, Try a TRIAL SEPARATION to show her you mean Business! Love your kids man, dont be a bad dad for any reason.


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## Gtarist62

lollipop said:


> stav said:
> 
> 
> 
> Now you are just being silly, you asked for our input, you are getting it... you can't just have the bits you like!
> 
> Stav you sound like a very smart woman. You hit it right on the nose. I was in a similar situation and that is exactly how I felt. I didn't hate the other kids, they were cutie pies, but my husband soon to be ex would feel guilty about them and ignore my 1yr old when they were around. For example...He took all 3 kids out with him and I met them there and saw that while he was playing with his older kids my 11month old at the time was crawling around unsupervised and his back was turned to her.
> 
> There is always 2 sides to a story, gtarist62, you sound like a difficult man to get along with, and for the record women sense things. When you sneak around like taking your kids when she is at work instead of being honest it causes distrust. It's easier to get over an arguement then to gain trust again. She probably felt like you were hiding something.
> 
> 
> For the record, "Lollipop," if your husband is divorcing you because you won't let him see his daughter and you never wanted his kids around, the problem is YOU. You sound like a difficult person to get along with. Maybe that's why you're getting divorced.
Click to expand...


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## swedish

Gtarist62 ~ how are things going for you now?


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## Gtarist62

I filed for divorce. Will be finalized within the next 10 days, or so.
Sad ending, but a necessary one for all involved. Thanks to everyone who posted.


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## swedish

I commend you for putting your kids first through all of this and wish you the best going forward.


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## onlylonelyone

You can never lose putting your children first. What a great Dad.


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## Gtarist62

It's been tough. I feel like I failed my daughter. She deserves better than this, and it makes me sad to think she'll never know what it's like to have the two people who love her more than anything in the world in the same house together. I'm happy for my other two kids, because now they get to see me a lot more often, and I'm in a much better mood when I'm with them. But all in all, it's been the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I'll be glad when it's finally over.


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## onlylonelyone

Gtarist62, I know it is really a sad situation. Believe me your daughter would have suffered far more being in a home where her other siblings were not welcome. I have quite a few step children, and they love their 1/2 sister just as much as each other. It would have hurt your daughter, and she may have felt to blame for a lot of things too. Just love them all, make sure they all spend time together and bond. It will be very gratifying to you. I am more sorry that your wife would want to take siblings away from her child. I definately worry if she has your childs best interest at heart. I just couldn't imagine being that kind of Mother. You really deserve a pat on the back. Don't ever question if you did the right thing, because you definately did. Just remember to keep all the kids strong, healthy, and lots of time together with you. They don't care who's mother is who's they just know they are family, and that is all that matters to them.


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## mommieof3

Hello, I have read quite a few posts. I can tell you that I am married to a man who has children with his first wife and although that B**** drives me nuts, I encourage my husband to visit with his children as often as they want to come. I can't see why your wife is being this way. For her to say that no woman would not want you is to bring you down. My ex used to tell me because I had three children with him that no other man would want me too. And I am married again and he accepts me and my children as his own. It can bring you down. Ask your wife to put herself in your shoes. If she had other children and you were dead set against her seeing them what would she do. A father's bond is or should be just as stong as a mothers. Yeah we pooped out the kids but that does not make us anymore attached to them fathers have rights too. I do not think that what your wife is doing is right. If you really love your children you will spend as much time with them as you can so that they feel that you love them too. You cant say in the long run of things that it will hurt, even if you divorce, in court for visitation rights what can she say.. He spent too much time with his kids so I left. That makes her sound controlling. Also you have three children not just one and even though they have different mothers they all should feel that they are your children and that you love them all the same. I wouldn't push my children away for anything. My children come first. They need love, your wife will have to take seconds to them. She is a big girl and can handle it or leave. She should want to get to know your children with your ex, I mean after all they are your daughters siblings as well and a part of you.


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## zwilson50

That is very sad that it ended the way it did. I feel that there are similarities between your situation and mine. I, however, see my son 3 days a week. Even though my wife complains, I deal with those because the time I am happiest is when it is my entire family together. Not just my wife and daughter. I hope that all is well in the future with your situation.


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## heartache

I have 2 step children and 2 of my own. When my husband and I got together his kids were mean and nasty, most of it a product of thier mother . I was funny looking, I ate to much I was this and that, these kids never got to know me, we were in same city. When we were moving due to my husbands new job his eldest son told me, " you don't know how happy my mom is that you and and my dad are leaving". I felt sorry for his son, instead of his ex being supportive she was nasty. He tried for several years to keep relationship open, they came one summer , and all his ex did was make it miserable for 6 weeks, she played every phone game she could, threating police on us, social services, etc. My step kids cried, were angry, and still I never got to know them, to much turmoil, my husband was the bad one, and all step mom's beat step children. My kids on the other hand had thier problems but were taught to keep thier minds open and voices heard, and problems were to be talked about. 
My point is, don't live like I did/do still , at my choice ( believe me many times I wanted say forget you all ). When we lived in same city, there were many times as the new wife I felt if he spent time with his kids at her house that maybe things would change and I would lose him. I didn't care he chose to marry and love me, I was blinded by "what might happen". I'm not saying your wife is like this, but she may have inner feelings that your unware of, your only hearing the frustrated anger side which very well mean she's hiding her true feelings. 
Who cares if you had sex had kids when one is feeling this way all that doesn't matter. Some of us feel alignated by certain things, and some don't. 
I use to enjoy when we could get together with his kids so we could do things, movies, walks and even took all our kids camping together they had a blast! When evil words and rotten behaviors get involved by either present wife or past one, it ruins everything. 
You are very responsible with your kids, most men aren't, be proud of yourself for that. Being reasonable you have your hands full, kids from 2 different woman, time lines are important for everyone, Your kids, and new family. Your kids are used to being with you alot and now you have another, instead of your two older children being left out, sit down with them and make some new times together instead of saying no. It's okay to be honest with your children and tell them, your doing your best to include them in your life now, and want to make sure you all get time with each other. Your present wife will either accept this or she won't, you dont' sound like a person that is letting her suffer either, but she does have to be reasonable, and as someone said on here, she knew you had kids, take it from me it's still not easy, but it's "what a person is willing to do to make things work"... My husband has paid the price for allowing his nasty ex wife all the control she had... Please don't let that happen to you, with your new wife. She'll have to come to terms your spreading yourself thin cuz you love everyone and doing your best.


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## Sensitive

I married a man with a daughter from a previous marriage. I knew from the beginning that he had that responsibility, but I always regret that he spends more time with her than our two sons. I hate it even more when he is especially nice to his ex-wife. The jealousy is a natural part of blended families. I really don't have any advice for you other than, hang in there, and spend your time with the people you love. It sounds like you love your kids equally, which is the way it ought to be.


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## zwilson50

I don't understand the jealousy over being nice to the ex. Doesn't it make things easier on all parties if they both act in civil manners. I thought that is the ideal situation. I don't understand why exes hating each other is preferred by new spouses. If that is what you need to your husband to do to validate his loyalty, then that is pathetic.


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## Gtarist62

My kids - especially my 10 year-old daughter - wanted so bad to be part of mine and my (now ex) wife's lives. My wife had a good, respectable job, was responsible, independent and had a good family. These are things they never saw in their mother (as much as they love her, she's kind of flakey).
My wife used to fall back on her lame excuse that I was "sneaky," and "a liar," because I used to have to do things like _sneak my kids to the ice cream store _when my wife was at work, and take all three kids to my parents' house so that my other kids could spend time with our 6 month-old daughter (she didn't want them around our daughter until she felt she was old enough to fight off germs, etc). My wife even suggested I get DNA tests done on my other kids because she didn't think they were both mine.
We're talking about our daughter's HALF BROTHER AND SISTER! How can you NOT want them to be around each other? How painful that must have been for my other kids to be left out like that and treated like outsiders. Every time I would go pick them up, my wife would make some lame excuse for not coming along and take our daughter over to her mother's house. When my wife and I split up, she refused to let me spend time alone with our daughter. She wouldn't let me take her to see my family for a couple of days in the Keys, etc. Her exact words were "You have your other two kids. Why don't you let me have our daughter?" After a cop told me that he couldn't force my wife to hand over our daughter, I had no choice but to file for divorce.

She tried every legal means necessary to take our daughter away, including lying in court and implying I was taking drugs, etc. The judge didn't buy it, and now I have shared parenting and shared responsibility of our daughter.

The only good thing that came out of all this was that my kids all get to spend time together every week, and they'll have a relationship. If it had been up to my wife, our daughter would have never even KNOWN about her half brother and sister, and she'd most likely be living out of state with her.

I loved my wife very much, but her refusal to accept my other kids as part of our family just ate away at us until I just couldn't stand it anymore.

I did what I had to do.


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## zwilson50

You made the correct decision. Sounds like your ex is very petty and is treating your daughter like a pawn. She needs both parents and your wife's immaturity is blinding her from making the correct decision.


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## secondwife

I agree with the writer who said your wife feels threatened. I am married to a man with three kids from his first marriage. They have been treated like royalty, the result is the eldest daughter took him for a heap of money, as did his ex wife. And I copped the abuse for it. He didn't express his feelings of anger, hurt etc to them, but it was taken out on me,even when I had supported him throught heaps of messes from his previous marriage. His kids can't do wrong, but I have been repeated judged and put down over ways I have mothered mine. He goes into this overprotective mood and obsessiveness with his kids and it is hard to watch. I, maybe like your new wife, feel second best. I will never have the closeness of children with him as he had with his ex, and his reference to HIS kids leaves me out so often. He plans outings with them when I am working or when I can't go, then gets angry with me when I am hurt about this. In turn this puts up a barrier about the kids. It's soo hard. I am tired of feeling used and second rate, and being pushed aside because he hasnt had logical tact dealing with this. I have always put him first when it comes to visits with my kids, always include him, and always ask him along. These (kids) by the way are 18, 19 and 14. And now that the 18 yr old and 14 year old are getting on with their own lives he pines for them and rings them every day. There were huge lies in the beginning to get me in, that also makes me feel even more used along with his treatment of judging my kids/vs/his kids.He doesn't seem to realise how much he hurts me and isolates me.
It is a responsibility of the new husband to help the second wife feel loved and secure, and seeing the ex frequently and putting the new wife second is certainly not the way to do it. Have a heart.
Ever thought maybe she deserves better?


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## ula

Hi secondwife,
I can truly and really feel for you....and I don't know if that's comforting as it was for me reading your feelings...I'm living something alike. My husband has 3 daughters and even though they are grown up they are so dependent of him and calling everyday and he's such a doting parent....and I feel excluded, isolated and plain jelous of having my man adoring other women even if they are his daughters....besides all the attentions and sweetness and energy they robbed me from him, is the amount of money they squeeze from him too....vacations, gifts, etc.....i feel left out and behind in all of that, and he has such a hard time understanding it...I'm suffering so so so much since we get into horrible arguments over this and I'm very explosive and actually say hurting things that later I regret and it just causes even more pain...
I don't know if is just that saying that misery loves company, the fact is knowing there is someone else out there feelings as I do helps me donot feel I'm just going crazy....hope it helps you too


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## Mom6547

Here is the dealio. Your wife needs an attitude adjustment and a giant leap in her maturity development. I would bet that if she thought of this outside whatever immature, jealous emotional turmoil that is going on in her brain stem, she would realize that she really would not want to be married to a man who would abandon his children. Who would? 

So the choice before you is, is the marriage worth the effort? Drag her ass into counseling and find out. If she won't go, go yourself. Oft times an insecure partner will wind up going because of fear of what is being said behind their backs!

Good luck.


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## Morales and character

Hi I am a soon to be ex wife and I can't wait. I have a child outside of the marriage. We don't have problems with MY ex. My ex and I have respect for one another as well as our children and will not disrespect one another's marriage. I have never subjected my husband to that sort of ignorance. On the other hand I hate my husband and his baby's momma. I told my husband that I hated his children out of anger and frustration. Let me make myself clear" I Do Not Hate His Children." I hate the situation that he puts me in. I have stood around taking everyones crap for years, as a matter of fact I don't believe he was even aware I existed until I exploded today and put his ass out. 

There are TWO (2) sides to every story. I have put up with his baby momma calling, texting, emailing porn, writing long hate letters and sending them to our home in the mail expressing how she hates me because he gives me money (?) as well as a host of other things that have absolutely nothing to do with the children at all.. She uses those kids as pawns to get what she wants and its disgusting.. He pays her child support his mom pays her rent IN FULL every month in addition to her receiving child support, her mom also pays her CELL phone bill every month, this lazy welfare recipient ***** never gets finish begging, and they never tire of running to her rescue.. she calls every week saying her lights are cut off.. I feel like this disrespectful ***** lives in of our household. His mom calls every other day saying how different men are sleeping on her couch in front of his children (?) . 

Did I mention we never get to see the children? She wont allow him see nor speak with his children unless she needs to get something out of the deal.. I am so sick of seeing my husband soon to be EX running to her rescue. When it comes to her there are no boundaries.. 

Today he mailed her money to get her car fixed, and I just snapped. It has been building up for 7 years now.. People really shouldn't judge until you have been in a wife's place.. I see lots of post saying it's all about the kids, if that's the case don't ever get married until your children are adults, wives shouldn't be tortured, neglected, nor disrespected at the expense of a baby momma's happiness and comfort.. I want my husband out of my life so that I get with a man who knows how to set limitations for trifling attention seeking *****s like that. 

I can only image what your poor wife must be going through. I'm also quite sure that the feeling is mutual for her! She probably wants to kick your ass to the curb! I really feel sorry for her. Your children WILL grow up and leave you to develop a family of their own, your children WILL put their family first " before you" as they should, and when they do, who will be there for your to grow old with, and spend the rest of your life with? once you have run every woman off by always putting her in second place. 

No One wants to, or should be treated that way.. I know because I am a mother and would never put our children before my husband.. When our children become adults & marry I will be happy for them. I will tell my son to always put his wife first before their children, to come together as parents and raise those kids to respect others, to treat people like they want to be treated. After all is is the golden rule right?


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## Morales and character

Jenni said:


> I learnt the fact that nobody wants other people's children and less if the ex is still around. That is why they say that second marriages are less likely to last. There are just too many people in the picture getting on each other's nerves. My advice? If you love your kids so much, do everyone a favor and wait until they grow up before you get seriously involved with anyone.


 :iagree:

:smthumbup: Amen


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## Morales and character

secondwife said:


> I agree with the writer who said your wife feels threatened. I am married to a man with three kids from his first marriage. They have been treated like royalty, the result is the eldest daughter took him for a heap of money, as did his ex wife. And I copped the abuse for it. He didn't express his feelings of anger, hurt etc to them, but it was taken out on me,even when I had supported him throught heaps of messes from his previous marriage. His kids can't do wrong, but I have been repeated judged and put down over ways I have mothered mine. He goes into this overprotective mood and obsessiveness with his kids and it is hard to watch. I, maybe like your new wife, feel second best. I will never have the closeness of children with him as he had with his ex, and his reference to HIS kids leaves me out so often. He plans outings with them when I am working or when I can't go, then gets angry with me when I am hurt about this. In turn this puts up a barrier about the kids. It's soo hard. I am tired of feeling used and second rate, and being pushed aside because he hasnt had logical tact dealing with this. I have always put him first when it comes to visits with my kids, always include him, and always ask him along. These (kids) by the way are 18, 19 and 14. And now that the 18 yr old and 14 year old are getting on with their own lives he pines for them and rings them every day. There were huge lies in the beginning to get me in, that also makes me feel even more used along with his treatment of judging my kids/vs/his kids.He doesn't seem to realise how much he hurts me and isolates me.
> It is a responsibility of the new husband to help the second wife feel loved and secure, and seeing the ex frequently and putting the new wife second is certainly not the way to do it. Have a heart.
> Ever thought maybe she deserves better?


:iagree:


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## Morales and character

Gtarist62 said:


> The only good thing that came out of all this was that my kids all get to spend time together every week, and they'll have a relationship. If it had been up to my wife, our daughter would have never even KNOWN about her half brother and sister, and she'd most likely be living out of state with her.
> 
> I loved my wife very much, but her refusal to accept my other kids as part of our family just ate away at us until I just couldn't stand it anymore.
> 
> I did what I had to do.



Not trying to be sarcastic just trying to find out if being alone, not having your wife or any other woman in your life was worth placing your children above all? Do you feel that having your kids part time was worth your marriage? 

I'm certainly happy you got what you wanted.. So how's the single life for you.. Will you enter into another serious relationship? How do you think your new wife will feel about always coming second since your children will always come 1st..


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## secondamoglie

Gtarist62 said:


> Actually, I'm very easy to get along with. I went from seeing my other kids 3 -4 times a week to seeing them ONCE a week for about 4 hours. I did it because my wife wanted me to "concentrate on my new family." I went along, hoping it would be a temporary thing, but she drives me crazy while I have them, doing things like calling me 3 MINUTES after the time I'm supposed to drop them off, and if I haven't, she says things like "what - they're getting bonus time today??"
> Anyway, I filed for divorce and now she's keeping me from seeing our daughter. She's the one who's "difficult to get along with."


 ur easy????? funny i see the kids of my husband every 2 months or even longer and in 1-2 years we move out the country cause the ex family are lunatics,if somebody wants to be good father he has to stay single,u cant put on single women ur past on their shoulders cause they deserve more than runing behind exes kids who from their stupidity broke the marerige,even in bibble sais husband and wife become one and leave their parents,it dosent say worship kids even more from a previous marrige,my husband worn that b...tc if u divorce u gona cause mess and that she will put him in huge trouble,cause he cant put 3 kids on an other woman if he wants to fix his life again,but she didnt listen!!she removed 99%the rights him to be a father and take the load her self.those women are brainless!!cause if they were puting marrigge first and then kids,kids would be happy and not from a broken home!so i am not planning break my marrige for a lunatic ex she is 100%responsible of the mess and her kids not me.i would never put my kids into a situation like that!!cause i know quncequances are awuful!

and ur crazy!u ended up broke a second family and one more kid with part time father!at least one kid could have been in healthy family and now all is broken!great parents!!!!man!
but remember when ur kids grow u will be alone and they will have their family.

p.s wow yes and at least if ever my husband treat me bad or cheat,or what ever happens at least i will not feel the sucker of the case!being baby sitter of a b***es kids, so i am not saying he stop have some contact ,but no more contact ,just like if they were his nephews or so and just i stay out of it.


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## secondamoglie

ula said:


> Hi secondwife,
> I can truly and really feel for you....and I don't know if that's comforting as it was for me reading your feelings...I'm living something alike. My husband has 3 daughters and even though they are grown up they are so dependent of him and calling everyday and he's such a doting parent....and I feel excluded, isolated and plain jelous of having my man adoring other women even if they are his daughters....besides all the attentions and sweetness and energy they robbed me from him, is the amount of money they squeeze from him too....vacations, gifts, etc.....i feel left out and behind in all of that, and he has such a hard time understanding it...I'm suffering so so so much since we get into horrible arguments over this and I'm very explosive and actually say hurting things that later I regret and it just causes even more pain...
> I don't know if is just that saying that misery loves company, the fact is knowing there is someone else out there feelings as I do helps me donot feel I'm just going crazy....hope it helps you too


gosh! i am same,sam feelings, although ur situation is worse,cause my hubby keep distance from them,i asked him why and he sais i cant bond with them cause she might take them away,or he feels bad if he bonds and they have to leave again so he keeps distance...and when the ex cheated he freaked out so he dont give so much child support.in a way i saw him not being into it so much so i decided to involve with him an i may survive the storm,but still is hurtfull like hell!i cant beleive i will be connected to that lunatic family all my life!i never knew them i never did and i will never want to know them!i never did something wrong in my life and i have to pay really a lot emotionaly now!i feel a costant threat,and i get explosive as u say...to the point having black outs often!i never cried so often whole my life!i see their pics and i get so sadd an other woman keeps a part of my husband and has control i hate it so much!other people have right on my beloved husband!i never dreamed and i suppose no woman dreams have husband share him,with kids of ex wife,what we tought from life and see around usually is hubby and wife and nobody else thats the ideal cause i come from greece and here is rare see that situation family is more traditional, but my hubb is dutch and there is more mess!
when too much people get into the picture is sofocating and hurtful!its the most akward situation,i think single women with no kids never have to marry a guy with kids...or those men have to stay single and raise those ex kids from broken family, if they dont want trouble with the new wife,its way less complicated.its not ment to be divorce!its not a natural situation and cause huge trouble,i think few women are open minded to have step kid. 
i came to the point jealouse of all other couples they are married together with own kids and nobody else....no exes no kids from exes nothing to bother i get so sad.... my sis in law has a nice hubby and one kid and i get so envy of it,i am raised in a normal family with two parents i never saw anycouple in my situation for 29 years of my life so i cant get it!
when i have to see my hub kids i freak out so much see 3 things run!from an other woman i get a freaking akward feeling!i start shake all over and i cry for at least 3 days after every time i see them ,and gets worse n worse first i could stand it now that i am married,its more hurtful!all my friends and parents were against it cause they think i deserve better than this,i was geting hurt by them also cause my hubby is so nice person,,I GUESS they said it cause i was single and i dont deserve being into the **** of other people.and that i deserve a new life from zero!to make kids of my own and put them in better situation not in a mess fanancialy n emotionaly...,i never harmed any body and i never reacted so freaked out ever in my life i never harmed a fly,so i dunno i guess it come from guts insticts???i cant give explaination WHAT I CAN SAY I HATE DIVORCE I WISH IT DIDNT EXIST

i was geting hurt by them also cause my hubby is so nice person,


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## Awesome_Socks

Hi, well when i was younger my Uncle Tom had the same problem, my 'Aunt Laura' as he always wanted me to call her, was the second wife, Uncle Tom had two kids with my Aunt Rose, but they split up due to various problems, him and Laura had a kid together who's my step-cousin, or Milly, which is easier, Milly was friends with my cousins, and they had no problem with each other, but the ***** Laura hated them, she didn't abuse them or anything, she just said no to everything like 'Please can we have something to eat Laura?' she'd say 'Your already fat enough, you don't need any more snacks' which caused them to have serious self consciousness (is that a word?) Uncle Tom didn't know she said those things, but i know she did because she said something to me once and i did NOT brush past it, i tore her a new one 
But yes, he was depressed and was on the verge of leaving and moving to Scotland, way away from us, he dealt with that for over 15 years, and though i hated Laura she sadly died, but at that point his kids were grown up, and he regrets every moment he neglected them and ignored the problems she caused, i say talk to her and tell her your a package deal, love me, love my kids, couldn't give one about my kids, couldn't give on about me, it's her choice, if she loves you for you, she needs to accept that you have kids and you need to see them, don't let their childhood slip through your fingers, it goes so quick. 
Eloise x x


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## rolltidemom86

If I was you i'd tell my wife to kiss my a**, children always come first no matter what the circumstances are...


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## secondamoglie

rolltidemom86 said:


> If I was you i'd tell my wife to kiss my a**, children always come first no matter what the circumstances are...


i am glad my husband is not like you,cause if it was most propably i would tell he has to kiss my a** and get the hell out of my life,cause i dont need to be second any ways
BUT no wonder why second marrige failure with kids is up to 70% 
if every person would put his partner above his kids no divorce would be in the first place and we would not need to struggle with second marriges which is plain unatural to any party involved.

its plain rediculus call that guy good father he gets a second divorce and a second family riped of again,ARE THOSE GOOD PARENTS???WHO CARE?IF THEY DID CARE THEY WOULD NOT DIVORCE in the first place.

and ya is so easy to point the finger in the person who comes after in ur mess and u have the nerve to tell theiy are bad or wicked if they object,or feel unconfortable, if it was that simple,for them it would have been for u aswel to cut the ties with the kids, but.... u call is ''nature'' blood connection well it is nature aswel for the second wife to not like what is not her blood.and u can not force it as she can not force u to change
but bottom line SUCKERS DONT DIVORCE when u have kids.
life would be much easier for all. it is the most ubnormal situation i have ever expirienced if i had to choose again...
ITS NOT LIKE THEY SAY U KNEW IT BEFORE 
IS NOT LIKE THAT,IF U TELL ME NOW I CAN CHOOSE AGAIN AND A GUY WITH KIDS COMES I WILL kick his sh**t and tell him get the hell out of here.i keep my marrige cause i promised and i dont want to hurt my husband but i feel i just sacrifised my life for trouble and not joy,and for whomm???for that ex ***** and kids i dont even know and i didnt do even anything wrong.


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## secondamoglie

and yes i am like his wife i never been bad to nobody actually i was always the victim i am known for my good heart,but in that case i just become like hyaina ,it is funny i like his nephew but when i see the exes kids i dont want them i freak out comletely
they will never be part of our lifes they belong to that ex and i will fight against till i die.we will see which nature will prevail and something tells me my nature wins.we will move away the country and already there is no contact and the ex boils like crazy
well good for her ,
and for those who gona call me ***** good for them dont get a divorce so ur kids will never have that trouble plain and simple.
i married to have my family and not benefit that womans kids,she didnt want my husband so be it bye byee
now is my turn so i advice the parents to not divorce to protect their kids from *****es like us.


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## tahnyhay

Gtarist62 said:


> Okay, everybody -- this is a complicated one....
> 
> Ten years ago I had a baby girl with a woman I'd been dating for only two months (when she became pregnant). We couldn't get along, and frankly, I wasn't in love with her, so we never got married. A few year later, we had a booty call and she got pregnant again with my son (!). I tried to do the right thing and stay with her, but there was just no happiness there, and we were always bickering, so we split up. But I still picked my kids up every day from school and kept them all afternoon while she worked.
> Just over three years ago, I met "Dolly." I really fell for her, but we occasionally bickered about how much time I was spending with my kids. I decided that it was in everyone's best interest for me to cut back a little on the amount of time I was spending with them, so I went to 3 afternoons a week.
> Then, Dolly got pregnant. I decided to propose to her because even though we were fighting sometimes, I still loved her and thought it would be great to have a baby with someone I loved for a change. Over the past two years, her intolerance of my other kids has blossomed into pure contempt. Here's an example: My daughter calls to ask if I can take them for ice cream. My wife says "if you do it, they'll be calling you every day asking for it." One evening, my daughter asked me if I could bring her and my son some McDonalds because their mom was working and there was nothing to eat in the house. My wife (who was at work at the time) said "what are you -- a delivery man now?"
> I've gone from seeing my kids 3 - 5 days a week to seeing them one day a week for about 3 -4 hours, and EVERY time they ask to see more of me, the answer from my wife is always "no."
> Now, I know what you're thinking: Why does he ask her for permission? Why doesn't he just pick them up?
> The problem is, I've been trying to walk a fine line between keeping them happy and avoiding a big fight with my wife. And trust me -- EVERY time I do anything extra with my kids, Dolly and I have a fight, with her saying things to me like:
> "You want two families."
> "You're always putting your kids and that ***** above me and your daughter."
> It's been so bad, that my mother won't ask me about my other kids in front of my wife for fear that it will start a fight between us. Dolly always refers to my ex as "the ****," or "the *****," because she feels that my ex was trying to trap me into marrying her by getting pregnant twice (I never did).
> I'm tired of seeing the look on my kids' faces when I tell them they can't go someplace with us. I'm tired of saying "no" when they ask me for ice cream. I've actually snuck over and picked them up for a few hours when my wife goes to work.
> Believe me when I say, IF I DIDN'T HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS WOMAN, I'D HAVE KICKED HER ASS TO THE CURB YEARS AGO.
> The problem is, I don't want my little girl to go through a broken marriage like my other two kids did. But I'm at my wits end over this, and have been feeling very depressed lately, I guess because I know it's inevitable that we will split up. Because I'm not going to abandon or neglect my kids for ANYONE. I'd rather be alone and get to see all three of my kids whenever I want than to stay with someone who treats me and my kids this way.
> 
> Any thoughts?
> 
> Thanks
> 
> Gt


i am sorry but she sounds like an absoloute cow! all your children need equal attention not more than the others! your babies will never forgive you for this if yoiu dont make this right!, i sort of went through the same thing and ended up at court and went from having my baby full time to 4 days a week  and it kills me!!! all because i made the same mistake as you! , you will never forgive yourself if it is a big ugly judge ordering that you are only allowed to see them for 1 day a week, get rid of the wife she is about to make a hell for you!


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## eyeballjr

Just posted almost the same question. Guess i should have read down a little more.


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## Ano

It sounds like you already know what you need to do.

These are your children. And this woman accepted them the day she accepted you as her husband. 

If my own husband/sons father gave me grief about spending too much time with our son, I would have A LOT of thinking to do about where our marriage was going. Now, if I was neglecting him all the time for our son, that's a different story. But in your situation even once a week with your kids seems too much for her.

Especially the fact that your other kids don't live with you, it seems even more of a reason to take them for ice cream...and if they are hungry, bring them food. You are not a delivery man, you are a dad. 

You should never feel like you have to hide things from your spouse, and you especially should never have to hide the fact that you spend time with your children.

Does your wife even allow them over to spend time with their other sibling?

You wife wants her own little family with you. She seems to highly resent to fact that you have other children and hates this other woman for it. She can't blame the other woman for only getting pregnant to try and make you marry her. It takes TWO people to get pregnant. You played just as big of a role in making these kids as she did.

If you don't want to jump into divorce then I would suggest an ultimatum. Tell her that these are your children and you love them just as much as you love the child you had with her. If she can't accept them, then you can't accept her. And if that is the case, then divorce is the only resolution because you are done letting her keep you away from your children.

She is over stepping her boundaries as your wife and you needed to end it yesterday. Do it now..not tonight, not tomorrow, right now. She either accepts that you have a responsibility and a need to be a dad to ALL of your kids, or she needs to get a lawyer. She doesn't have to like your kids, but she doesn't need to let you know that and she doesn't need to keep you from them either.

Women all dream of having kids with a man who wants to be a great and involved dad. There are many great dads out there..but there are also many dead beats. If anything, the fact that you want to spend time with your kids is a highly attractive quality to any woman! Your wife is letting her jealousy get in the way of seeing that you are, want and need to be a great dad to ALL of your kids.


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## Honeystly

Morales and character said:


> Not trying to be sarcastic just trying to find out if being alone, not having your wife or any other woman in your life was worth placing your children above all? Do you feel that having your kids part time was worth your marriage?
> 
> I'm certainly happy you got what you wanted.. So how's the single life for you.. Will you enter into another serious relationship? How do you think your new wife will feel about always coming second since your children will always come 1st..


Get a grip lady. Yes, children will grow up and leave, but they will always be bonded by blood. They will ALWAYS be his children. Wives however, are disposable.... You should know.:yawn2::yawn2::slap:


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## FirstYearDown

I don't know why your wife would marry a man with kids, if she could not handle the fact that she would not be first in your life. She sounds very spiteful, jealous and immature.


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## 827Aug

Everyone, this thread is almost 5 years old. Why dredge it up?


Thread Closed


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