# Forgiving emotional disconnect?



## girl447 (Oct 7, 2012)

Hi everybody. I'm new and need some help and advice. I have been married for 11 years and have been going through very hard times for a long chunk of that time. After I was married, my husband started to pull away from me in terms of intimacy. He stopped initiating sex after about year 1 and it became a huge issue for me. I couldn't figure out why, what it was, blamed myself. This went on until we had our first child, and it continued ever since. He had shared with me that he can't have sex with "the mother of his children", that it is too dirty to do to me. ?? I later discovered that he was watching a large amount of porn (porn never really bothered me, per se until he stopped having sex with me!), and emailing of massage places inquiring about appts. He also stopped connecting with me: he never intitated nights out, never brought me gifts, paid me compliments, never acted in a sexual nature towards me at all. I felt invisible and so very hurt. About 5 years ago, he went through a really hard time where was dealing with some serious family issues, and I can't blame him for some of that disconnect. It was very hard for him. But he continued to push me away. After years of feeling like it must be me, I finally turned and got very bitter. I thought screw this! It's not me! It's his issues.

I ended up having a brief emotional affair as a result (not that I am blaming him, it was my choice) that he discovered and was of course furious. But I was so desperately lonley that I was not strong enough to resist. It felt so friggin' good to be noticed by someone.

Since then, our marriage has been on the rocks for almost 4 years. Over the 11 year of our marriage, we have been to counselling 4 seperate times (like 4 different counsellors), a marriage retreat as well. But nothing seems to be working. I have told him I want a divorce probably 6 times, only to later change my mind because I am mostly fearful of being divorced, sharing my kids etc. 

However, in the last year or so, he is starting to make changes, being more attentive, saying he wants to start a sex life again and that he wants to change how he is. Be more emotional. However, I am having a *very* hard time reciprocating. There have been times where I have agreed to stay together to reconcile, but my heart just isn't in it. It feels weird to be hugged and touched by him, sex (when we have had it in the last year, 2 times) feels like I am having sex with a stranger. It is horrible. I can't change my feelings.

I have told him that we act most of the time like good friends: we don't fight a ton (usually) we are good financially, agree on parenting (he is a great dad). But emotionally? We are not lovers and have not been for almost 10 years.

My question is: should I stay or should I go? What is a life with no love or sex? I am tired, exhausted of thinking and breathing this every single day. I am 35, have a great job and can do it alone. Is it just too late?

Thanks for any input.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

girl447 said:


> However, in the last year or so, he is starting to make changes, being more attentive, saying he wants to start a sex life again and that he wants to change how he is. Be more emotional. However, I am having a *very* hard time reciprocating. There have been times where I have agreed to stay together to reconcile, but my heart just isn't in it. It feels weird to be hugged and touched by him, sex (when we have had it in the last year, 2 times) feels like I am having sex with a stranger.


Question is, are you in the love with the OM? If that is a yes then that can explain why you are feeling the 'disconnect' from your DH.

If not and the OM isn't in your life anymore then the disconnect is due to the fact that you (sub-consciously) don't trust him to give you the physical and emotional intimacy that you seek. I'm guessing you were so hurt by his previous "rejection" that your brain associates this with pain and rejects it right away. Happens. Its like when you have difficulty trusting someone after they cheat on you. 

Good news is that it can be fixed. You may need some IC to get over this mental block. The way i see it there is no abuse, you guys are doing well financially and have a kid together (plus he has forgiven your EA). Don't give up so soon, keep going to MC with him and be honest (to him) about how you feel even if it hurts his feelings. Good luck!


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

stay. go curl up on the couch with him. show affection. give him a kiss. And keep doing it until it comes back. Lose the mental stumbling block. practice makes perfect.


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## girl447 (Oct 7, 2012)

Thanks for the advice, gang. Still having a hard time deciding to stay or go. Any other advice is welcomed.


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## jsmith (Nov 1, 2009)

Are you in the love with the OM?


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