# Anyone ever have touble with willing or wanting



## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

I have seen several post on TAM where a poster says that they are 'willing' to have sex with their partner anytime their partner wants to. I think the motivation behind this is that they 'want' their partner to be happy, so they are 'willing' to have sex. Would it be accurate to say these people 'want' to have sex with their partner? 

If you have been in a conversation like this does your partner say they are 'willing' to have sex or do they say they 'want' to have sex? Does it matter? I would say it does matter because, hypothetically speaking, if my partner told me that she is 'willing' to clean the toilets, I would never ask her to do that. While if she said; I 'want' to clean the toilets I would let her.

Bringing this back to sex with a hypothetical scenario. If one partner wakes up in the middle of the night, really horny, and cannot get back to sleep for several hours so they end up dragging through the next day. During the day the other partner notices that the first one is really tired and discovers why. Then responds with, you should have woke me up, I am 'willing' to have sex with you anytime. Does being 'willing' make a difference in this scenario? (lets pretend that masturbation is not an option).

Some say that the best sex is when you have an enthusiastic partner. I am wondering, is a 'willing' partner the same or different than a partner that 'wants' you?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I may not be the best one to answer here since I'm the HD one and my wife is generally the "willing" one (that is, when she's willing)...
.... however I will answer with regard to those rare times she's interested of her own accord and I become the "willing" one. 

So.... here she is all interested and I'm not. She initiates. I decide to be "willing." The second I decide I'm in, I'm all in. Whatever else was on my mind is instantly displaced and I'm 100% focused on this. What's more, being 100% in, I'm going to enjoy it for myself as well, not just go through the motions for her. 

So in the end my "willing" and my "wanting" end up being pretty much the same. If I'm not capable or concerned enough for that to be the case, I'll decline (although in 30 years of marriage, I can probably count the number of times that's happened on one hand without even getting to the thumb). She knows she's getting my best each and every time I become "willing." 

It's a Yoda thing. There is no 'try', only 'do' or 'not do'.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I may not be the best one to answer here since I'm the HD one and my wife is generally the "willing" one (that is, when she's willing)...
> .... however I will answer with regard to those rare times she's interested of her own accord and I become the "willing" one.
> 
> So.... here she is all interested and I'm not. She initiates. I decide to be "willing." The second I decide I'm in, I'm all in. Whatever else was on my mind is instantly displaced and I'm 100% focused on this. What's more, being 100% in, I'm going to enjoy it for myself as well, not just go through the motions for her.
> ...


This sounds like you want to have sex with her at those times. If you were verbalizing this to her at that time, would you use want or willing?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

leftfield said:


> I have seen several post on TAM where a poster says that they are 'willing' to have sex with their partner anytime their partner wants to. I think the motivation behind this is that *they 'want' their partner to be happy, so they are 'willing' to have sex.* Would it be accurate to say these people 'want' to have sex with their partner?
> 
> If you have been in a conversation like this does your partner say they are *'willing' to have sex or do they say they 'want' to have sex? Does it matter? * I would say it does matter because, hypothetically speaking, if my partner told me that she is 'willing' to clean the toilets, I would never ask her to do that. While if she said; I 'want' to clean the toilets I would let her.
> 
> ...


I am the HD partner and my wife is LD. We have, with the help of a sex therapist, negotiated on a compromise of frequency that is more than she wants and less than I would like. It is very important to me emotionally to give my wife sexual pleasure. It was a hard lesson to learn that no matter what I do or how powerful her orgasms are that I give her, sometimes, she just doesn't' want either sexual stimulation of her or orgasms. Another confusing lesson I learned is that my wife cares deeply about me and she is "willing" and "wants" to give me the loving gift of her body. She does enjoy using her body to bring me to orgasm and loves the feeling of closeness between us.........even if she neither wants sex nor an orgasm.

I feel that willing and wanting sex can be the same thing or what does it matter. What maters is the motivation, at least to me. Sex can be an animal act or a carnal ravishing of your partner. It can also be an expression of love. To me really good sex is about "making love."


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

leftfield said:


> This sounds like you want to have sex with her at those times. If you were verbalizing this to her at that time, would you use want or willing?


I don't know that those two words are really adequate. 

Let me try to clarify:
I certainly didn't "want" before I decided to go along (e.g. become "willing"). But once I decided I was "willing," I simultaneously decide I "want" to make it worthwhile/the best it can be. So I may not have been wanting sex per se, I did want the sex, once it arrived, to be a positive experience for both. 

It may sound contradictory, but I didn't necessarily want the sex, but I did want the sex to be good. 

But let's try to pin this down in a way that addresses what appeared to be your bottom line question... the final value of wanting sex vs. willing sex. My point is that once I make the decision to have sex, whether it was wanting or willing makes no difference at that point in terms of the quality of the experience. Even if I wasn't "wanting," I'm still gong to be enthusiastic... or I'm just not going to do it. I think "enthusiastic" is probably a better word to discern what you're driving. 

So the real important distinction, at least for me, is not whether one was wanting or willing, but rather once the decision is made to go forward, what is the attitude and enthusiasm level brought into it?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am one of those who is always 'willing' to have sex with my husband whether my feelings tell me that I may not always 100% of the time 'want' to at that moment. I am willing to because I love him and I know that sex is very beneficial for marriage. Feelings can lie anyway. 
For me being willing and wanting to are very close in meaning in this context.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I may not be the best one to answer here since I'm the HD one and my wife is generally the "willing" one (that is, when she's willing)...
> .... however I will answer with regard to those rare times she's interested of her own accord and I become the "willing" one.
> 
> So.... here she is all interested and I'm not. She initiates. I decide to be "willing." The second I decide I'm in, I'm all in. Whatever else was on my mind is instantly displaced and I'm 100% focused on this. What's more, being 100% in, I'm going to enjoy it for myself as well, not just go through the motions for her.
> ...


Ha! I have that Yoda saying knick knack!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

leftfield said:


> Some say that the best sex is when you have an enthusiastic partner. I am wondering, is a 'willing' partner the same or different than a partner that 'wants' you?


There are two forms of sexual pleasure. Partner-validated pleasure is the pleasure of knowing you pleased your partner. Then there is self-validated pleasure which is sharing your own arousal with your partner and knowing it will likely be pleasurably accepted. 

Ultimately easily facilitated simultaneous self validated pleasure is the best. Imagine the notion of someone that says, "he I'm about to go have a great orgasm with or without you, but I would very much like you to join me?" ...and the other person feels that same way at the same time! Then it is a just matter of being a creative and collaborative team that enjoys twisting each other's mind into a yummy pretzel with jalapeño peppers baked right into some yummy love making.

That is not about wanting the other person or them wanting you. It is about enjoying who you are and wanting to share that with the other person.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> sometimes, she just doesn't' want either sexual stimulation of her or orgasms.


This was really difficult for me. Before menopause she could usually come from PIV, the times she didn’t I’d always offer to get her off another way. If she declined it was OK, we tried. 

Post menopause she no longer comes from PIV. Sometimes she does even want me to try to make her come. At first I was like OK, let’s pack it in. I’ve learned even if she doesn’t want an O it doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to have sex.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

CharlieParker said:


> This was really difficult for me. Before menopause she could usually come from PIV, the times she didn’t I’d always offer to get her off another way. If she declined it was OK, we tried.
> 
> Post menopause she no longer comes from PIV. Sometimes she does even want me to try to make her come. At first I was like OK, let’s pack it in. I’ve learned even if she doesn’t want an O it doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to have sex.


I think this is very hard for many men to understand. For me, nothing is as a good a wake up pill than an orgasm. So, while I may want sex at midnight because I want to feel that closeness with my partner and the feeling I get when I know I've given him pleasure and made him happy, I'm just not up for an orgasm that will then keep me awake for another hour or more likely two after sex so I've been known to say no thanks to the offer of an orgasm. That does not in any way mean I did not enjoy the sex or that I wasn't into it. Everything leading up to an orgasm feels awesome so why wouldn't I enjoy it?? But lots of men think no orgasm = I didn't fulfill her needs and that's just not true a lot of the time. 

Or for some women, trying to have an orgasm adds a level of stress that can actually take away some of the enjoyment of sex. So they'd rather take it off the table and just enjoy the good feelings and bonding time they are having with their partner. 

If a woman is enthusiastically having sex with you but says she doesn't want an orgasm, don't read anything into it other than she doesn't want one right now.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

notmyjamie said:


> But lots of men think no orgasm = I didn't fulfill her needs and that's just not true a lot of the time.


I never thought that. I physically have very little to do with her O, it’s mainly between her ears. She not going to have an O before lunch when she has ham sandwiches dancing in her mind. The problem came about because things changed after 20-ish year and we both didn’t deal well initially.

More on topic, around the same time I was hearing “I don’t want to have sex with you” but she was really saying “I’m willing to and want to, but what worked [the path to the bedroom] for 20 years isn’t doing it for me anymore”.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

notmyjamie said:


> I think this is very hard for many men to understand. For me, nothing is as a good a wake up pill than an orgasm. So, while I may want sex at midnight because I want to feel that closeness with my partner and the feeling I get when I know I've given him pleasure and made him happy, I'm just not up for an orgasm that will then keep me awake for another hour or more likely two after sex so I've been known to say no thanks to the offer of an orgasm. That does not in any way mean I did not enjoy the sex or that I wasn't into it. Everything leading up to an orgasm feels awesome so why wouldn't I enjoy it?? But lots of men think no orgasm = I didn't fulfill her needs and that's just not true a lot of the time.
> 
> Or for some women, trying to have an orgasm adds a level of stress that can actually take away some of the enjoyment of sex. So they'd rather take it off the table and just enjoy the good feelings and bonding time they are having with their partner.
> 
> If a woman is enthusiastically having sex with you but says she doesn't want an orgasm, don't read anything into it other than she doesn't want one right now.


I think the issue is that as men, if we're aroused, then our need for an orgasm is present. We certainly yearn for the emotional intimacy of sex as well, but the need to orgasm is always present, and gets stronger and stronger when we're engaged in a sexual activity with a woman we find desirable (our partners).

So when a woman says "I don't want one", or doesn't care if she has one, then what that communicates to us men is that we don't arouse her. That she's not invested in the activity. That we don't make her throb, and yearn for satisfaction.

Which is obvious soul-crushing, and very disappointing.

I totally get your position, in that you don't want to be kept awake. But even so, if I was your partner, I would be thinking to myself "So, you're not horny? Having sex with me doesn't arouse you, and make you need satisfaction?".


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

leftfield said:


> I have seen several post on TAM where a poster says that they are 'willing' to have sex with their partner anytime their partner wants to. I think the motivation behind this is that they 'want' their partner to be happy, so they are 'willing' to have sex. Would it be accurate to say these people 'want' to have sex with their partner?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


A lot really will depend on how one is defining and using the terms "willing" and "wanting".

For me the wanting is an active desire, whether acted upon or not. Willing is more passive. There can even be various levels to these, and based on different reasons with different outcomes.

I hate most roller coasters, especially with loops and steep drops. I'm good with some of the milder one. I want to go on those milder ones. Others I am willing to go on if a significant person in my life wants to, and I might get some enjoyment from the ride. Other ones I am willing to ride only because that significant other wants to. I won't enjoy the ride itself (not hate it), but I will enjoy what they are getting out of it, and be happy for that. And then there are the oh hell no hard limit not even to save your life, yet alone mine ones.

We can be like that with our sex lives as well, only more matching in our moods as opposed certain activities, although activities can also elicit the effect.

The biggest part is consent and trust. Obviously you don't want to do anything your partner doesn't consent to. But have the trust in them that if they say they are willing to do something for or have something done by you, trust that they are getting something from it, even if it's only the compersion (sp?) of your enjoyment. If there is not that level of trust, why are you even together?

Sent from my Z982 using Tapatalk


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

BioFury said:


> I totally get your position, in that you don't want to be kept awake. But even so, if I was your partner, I would be thinking to myself "So, you're not horny? Having sex with me doesn't arouse you, and make you need satisfaction?".


Which is totally understandable. We (men and women) just need to be able to see each other's side on this. I can understand a guy being disappointed if his partner always said "no thanks" but if she occasionally doesn't want one it should be no big deal. Speaking only for myself, yes, I can start having sex even if I'm not horny...after a few minutes I'll be very aroused though and totally into it if I'm with someone who knows what can get me there...and I'm pretty easy to get there to be honest. Even so, if I have to get up 5am, I can't do something I know will keep me up until 2am, I just can't, no matter how aroused I get. So I take what I can from the experience and I'm happy with it. I appreciate it for what it is...as I said, it all feels awesome so it's not like I'm not getting some damn good feels from it too.

If your partner explained all that and said "but don't think you're getting out of getting me off all the time" could you handle that??? I could.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

notmyjamie said:


> I think this is very hard for many men to understand. For me, nothing is as a good a wake up pill than an orgasm. So, while I may want sex at midnight because I want to feel that closeness with my partner and the feeling I get when I know I've given him pleasure and made him happy, I'm just not up for an orgasm that will then keep me awake for another hour or more likely two after sex so I've been known to say no thanks to the offer of an orgasm. That does not in any way mean I did not enjoy the sex or that I wasn't into it. Everything leading up to an orgasm feels awesome so why wouldn't I enjoy it?? But lots of men think no orgasm = I didn't fulfill her needs and that's just not true a lot of the time.
> 
> Or for some women, trying to have an orgasm adds a level of stress that can actually take away some of the enjoyment of sex. So they'd rather take it off the table and just enjoy the good feelings and bonding time they are having with their partner.
> 
> If a woman is enthusiastically having sex with you but says she doesn't want an orgasm, don't read anything into it other than she doesn't want one right now.


This is pretty much what my wife has explained. There are just some times she knows she's not going to get there for what ever reason, but still welcomes the engagement. The kicker is, there have been times where I have not wanted anything for myself, but am more than happy to take care of her, and she just can't wrap her mind around it, and wonders what's wrong 

I think for me, what it comes down to is fully trusting my partner and believing what she says. Working under the assumption that she has mine and our marriages best interests at heart.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

notmyjamie said:


> Which is totally understandable. We (men and women) just need to be able to see each other's side on this. I can understand a guy being disappointed if his partner always said "no thanks" but if she occasionally doesn't want one it should be no big deal. Speaking only for myself, yes, I can start having sex even if I'm not horny...after a few minutes I'll be very aroused though and totally into it if I'm with someone who knows what can get me there...and I'm pretty easy to get there to be honest. Even so, if I have to get up 5am, I can't do something I know will keep me up until 2am, I just can't, no matter how aroused I get. So I take what I can from the experience and I'm happy with it. I appreciate it for what it is...as I said, it all feels awesome so it's not like I'm not getting some damn good feels from it too.
> 
> If your partner explained all that and said "but don't think you're getting out of getting me off all the time" could you handle that??? I could.


Definitely. The important part is that I arouse her, and make her desire/need sexual contact with me.

If she just said in a normal voice that she simply didn't want an orgasm, I'd be disappointed and feel like an undesirable failure. But if she was indeed very aroused, but regretfully said she just couldn't be kept up till 2, then yeah, I'd be perfectly fine with it. Well, not perfectly fine, but I'd be fine, so long as she threatened me with having to give her one (or three) tomorrow >


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

BioFury said:


> Definitely. The important part is that I arouse her, and make her desire/need sexual contact with me.
> 
> If she just said in a normal voice that she simply didn't want an orgasm, I'd be disappointed and feel like an undesirable failure. But if she was indeed very aroused, but regretfully said she just couldn't be kept up till 2, then yeah, I'd be perfectly fine with it. Well, not perfectly fine, but I'd be fine, so long as she threatened me with having to give her one (or three) tomorrow >


When my wife is not really after an O, sometimes she'll bring up the orgasm inequity of around 3-1 in her favour over the course of our relationship, and that actually does a pretty good job of placating me


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> I am the HD partner and my wife is LD. We have, with the help of a sex therapist, negotiated on a compromise of frequency that is more than she wants and less than I would like. It is very important to me emotionally to give my wife sexual pleasure. It was a hard lesson to learn that no matter what I do or how powerful her orgasms are that I give her, sometimes, she just doesn't' want either sexual stimulation of her or orgasms. * Another confusing lesson I learned is that my wife cares deeply about me and she is "willing" and "wants" to give me the loving gift of her body. She does enjoy using her body to bring me to orgasm and loves the feeling of closeness between us.........even if she neither wants sex nor an orgasm.
> *
> I feel that willing and wanting sex can be the same thing or what does it matter. What maters is the motivation, at least to me. Sex can be an animal act or a carnal ravishing of your partner. It can also be an expression of love. To me really good sex is about "making love."


The bolded part confuses me. She sees the value to sex in your relationship, but has an aversion to, well, to be blunt, using the tools God gave her? I'm not suggesting that's at all unusual. I'm sure there are many people like that. It's just strange that, for some of those people, they may see more value, to themselves, in cooking a nice meal for their partner. With no aversion whatsoever. If they could do it 6 nights a week, they would love it. 

What is it that makes sex so different? Logically it would seem that sex would be offered up more happily(?) because it's that one thing that is so special it's not shared with anybody else. You can cook for family & friends. 

Is it a guy thing that I don't understand this? I'm talking about the specifics given here, a woman who believes in (and so presumably understands) the importance of sex in her marriage, and more than that, how she loves the feeling of closeness it brings. And yet doesn't desire it possibly because there's nothing physical happening, or when there is, the orgasms, maybe it's like yeah, whatever, I can have chocolate cake anytime I want, I like it, but once every couple weeks is enough?

Or maybe the world got turned upside-down when it was discovered that, for many guys, sex is far more of an emotional thing than the physical thing that many women were brought up to believe was the case for guys? 

OK, to answer the question, my wife says she's always willing if needed. But that's completely different from wanting, and she'd very much rather not have her sleep interrupted in the middle of the night.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

samyeagar said:


> When my wife is not really after an O, sometimes she'll bring up the orgasm inequity of around 3-1 in her favour over the course of our relationship, and that actually does a pretty good job of placating me


I've pointed that out before too...in the scheme of things, I'm always going to be the winner if we're keeping score (which I never, ever do though.) I actually said once "Jesus...I had 6 last night to your 1...I need a break!!" :grin2:


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Seriously why worry over the details? Yes, it is very possible for us to want to enjoy sex without chasing the almighty O. 

I just enjoy being with my partner, sharing, touching. Spending time away from the madness of life.

And I wonder if the reason some women "fake it" is because they feel so damned pressured by men who's very self-image hangs on their ability to give us one.I wonder if it's more about the person needing the ego boost from being to get their partner off.

Yikes and no thanks. If I had to engage in such high stakes every time I had an encounter, one of two things would happen.

1. fake it so they get off my case about it

2. avoid having sex at all

Doesn't sound like a good outcome when the idea is to give and receive love, tenderness and caring.

It's not all about horniness, moaning and multiple orgasms exploding with passion. Sounds like porn to me.

Sometimes its about tenderness, sharing, caring and loving and being loved.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

BioFury said:


> So when a woman says "I don't want one", or doesn't care if she has one, then what that communicates to us men is that we don't arouse her. That she's not invested in the activity. That we don't make her throb, and yearn for satisfaction.
> 
> *Which is obvious soul-crushing, and very disappointing.*


Not for me not even slightly.

My ego isn't that fragile.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Personal said:


> Not for me not even slightly.
> 
> My ego isn't that fragile.


Ego is a man's desirability to the masses. What I'm concerned with, is my desirability to one woman.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

BioFury said:


> Definitely. The important part is that I arouse her, and make her desire/need sexual contact with me.
> 
> If she just said in a normal voice that she simply didn't want an orgasm, I'd be disappointed and feel like an undesirable failure. But if she was indeed very aroused, but regretfully said she just couldn't be kept up till 2, then yeah, I'd be perfectly fine with it. Well, not perfectly fine, but I'd be fine, so long as she threatened me with having to give her one (or three) tomorrow >


Why don't you wait until you've actually had sex before you decide how you're going to traverse the minefields. Your real life experiences may be totally different from what you have imagined.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Willing is relative, often that being mine.

I will it, I am the willer, so it happens.
The other becomes the will-ee.

No, I own that thing!
.........................................................................................................

What is thought, won't, won't want of, then becomes will, when the proper place is stroked, and felt of.
When the wanted and proper words are heard, proffered, uttered into her warm ear.

No lady is static, always being that not, it tied shut, that knot.
With her always saying not, won't, can't, shall not.

One must push, then find the button that opens, not the no, but the yes, please.

The ritual of the pursuer must vary, it must persuade the ladies knot to unravel, her not, not saying.

The goal is always the same. It is, God yes, love of me. 

Find the place, those words, those places needy of that rub-a-dub.

She owns the slip, you own the slender sloop, park it when she cries, dock of it.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Why don't you wait until you've actually had sex before you decide how you're going to traverse the minefields.


Indeed BioFury might not even like having sex, when or if he ever experiences it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Willing is relative, often that being mine.
> 
> I will it, I am the willer, so it happens.
> The other becomes the will-ee.
> ...


Almost, almost ...nope, needs more seasoning or something.
You're out of practice, SunC.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Why don't you wait until you've actually had sex before you decide how you're going to traverse the minefields. Your real life experiences may be totally different from what you have imagined.


While I have no way of predicting how someone else may react or behave, I'd like to think I know myself well enough. After all, one doesn't need to be sexually rejected, in order to experience rejection in all it's splendor.

Example. Let's say you have a dish that you think both you and your spouse absolutely love. It's both of your favorites. So you decide to sink your day into making it, and you're excited about sharing it with him, and how much you'll enjoy it together.

Only when he gets home, he doesn't want any. And opts to reheat some pizza.

Do you really need to have experienced the above, in order to relate to how you would feel in such a moment?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Re the above: the situations are nothing the same.

Signed, someone who has been having sex for decades.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Livvie said:


> Re the above: the situations are nothing the same.
> 
> Signed, someone who has been having sex for decades.


:grin2: this.

It's like saying having dogs is like having children. Not even close my friend. Not even close.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> [/COLOR]
> 
> Almost, almost ...nope, needs more seasoning or something.
> You're out of practice, SunC.


I agree...

I am out of practice, and I do like spices. Spicy things...

When all else fails, I would just pick her up, carry her and take her to bed.
I am a Martian.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

It looks like most people see no functional difference.

The discussion about the importance of the female getting an orgasm is interesting to see. At different points in my marriage I would have agreed with one side and other times in my marriage I would have agreed with the other. Interesting how ones perspectives can change.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

aquarius1 said:


> :grin2: this.
> 
> It's like saying having dogs is like having children. Not even close my friend. Not even close.


But dogs are good practice. We learned that two dogs was ok, but when we had three, it seemed like it was two too many. So we stuck with just two kids.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


> But dogs are good practice. We learned that two dogs was ok, but when we had three, it seemed like it was two too many. So we stuck with just two kids.


The difference is that kids, once they reach a certain age, can help with other kids. We actually found three to be easier than two... but that was in large part because the oldest was so naturally responsible.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

leftfield said:


> I have seen several post on TAM where a poster says that they are 'willing' to have sex with their partner anytime their partner wants to. I think the motivation behind this is that they 'want' their partner to be happy, so they are 'willing' to have sex. Would it be accurate to say these people 'want' to have sex with their partner?
> 
> If you have been in a conversation like this does your partner say they are 'willing' to have sex or do they say they 'want' to have sex? Does it matter? I would say it does matter because, hypothetically speaking, if my partner told me that she is 'willing' to clean the toilets, I would never ask her to do that. While if she said; I 'want' to clean the toilets I would let her.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I've told my husband several times that I thought it was really hot the rare times he woke me up in the middle of the night for some hot spontaneous. 

Why on earth do people mentally anguish with themselves over irrelevant matters? There's plenty of excitement that comes from having sex with a horny spouse who wakes up in the middle of the night. Probably can't be EVERY night or so much that no one is getting enough sleep but...really...this doubt thing can really screw couples up unnecessarily. 

I've talked to my husband trying to get him to understand that I have a very multi-tasking brain and it has nothing to do with not "wanting" or loving him. So, being willing is loving, to me. Wanting - well, it's really difficult to get two people on the same page all the time...kinda high expectations and setting oneself up for disappointment. I am willing to have quick sex with him in the middle of the night but it's unlikely I'm going to wake up enough to be the hot and ready girls on the porn videos. Willing is good and sometimes, please, it needs to be good enough.

Just like not ALL sex for him is about romance. Get it?


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## kari2 (Jul 8, 2016)

happiness27 said:


> I've talked to my husband trying to get him to understand that I have a very multi-tasking brain and it has nothing to do with not "wanting" or loving him. So, being willing is loving, to me. Wanting - well, it's really difficult to get two people on the same page all the time...kinda high expectations and setting oneself up for disappointment. I am willing to have quick sex with him in the middle of the night but it's unlikely I'm going to wake up enough to be the hot and ready girls on the porn videos. Willing is good and sometimes, please, it needs to be good enough.


Well said.

OP/leftfield, I think you should simply be happy if she seems to be enjoying it DURING the sex and is doing some things to show that she loves you during it, such as touching you all over, kissing you, etc.. A lot of people do not have that. Maybe I'm a big hypocrite though since when the shoe was on the other foot and my H wasn't pursuing me (due to his own health issues), I was complaining.

I used to be the HD in the relationship but am now the LD one because of aging and health issues. My health issues affect me so that I never get a good night's sleep. He wants to have sex at night before bed but by then I am usually feeling pretty crummy, really wiped out. I feel bad about this but I just can't be as energetic as I used to be, and I am have mostly only responsive desire instead of spontaneous desire. That means I don't get turned on until we are already being far into making out or foreplay.

When I'm really sleepy at night and will have to get up for work early in the morning, I feel I'd like the sex encounter to be relatively short (15 minutes max), maybe skip foreplay, and not worry about an O for me. I don't have an O every time anymore since I've gotten older, and I wouldn't want my H to make a big deal out of that.

You guys mostly sound as if you are younger and healthier so maybe cannot relate to how I feel.

I always love to have sex with my H and rarely turn him down, but nowadays he has to initiate almost 100% of the time (because I feel crappy), and frankly I'm boring. I often just want to lie on my back but of course caress him everywhere I can during sex, and kiss him during sex. I'm usually enthusiastic for giving him oral unless I'm way too sleepy, but sometimes I'm lazy and want to do it lying flat on my back. (Is that 'starfish' sex? I do hope not since I'm giving him lots of touching, kisses, and verbal feedback during PIV.) Maybe it is boring, but I'm hoping it is enough for him to be satisfied.

So with my new experience with being LD (having been HD in the past), my advice to you husbands with an LD wife is to try to go along with what she likes during sex. Maybe she doesn't like certain positions, is that a big deal to just use the positions she does like? Maybe she wants to keep the lights off or keep a nightgown on if she is ashamed of her body or weight. Maybe she doesn't want to do a certain act. Maybe she doesn't want you to give her oral. Maybe she doesn't want to try for an O for herself sometimes. Is any of that a huge deal if she does enjoy sex after once it has started, she does some things to make it good for you, shows that she loves you, and you get the benefit of lots of touching/kisses plus an O? 

Having been the HD partner in the past, I can't imagine ever turning down my H two days in a row or not honoring a rain check the next day unless I was deathly ill so I'm far from one of those people that denies their partner or leaves them frustrated a lot. But I sometimes feel inadequate because I don't have the energy and libido I once did, I lie flat on my back mostly, and can't O as often, and I'd like my H to understand, and not mind if I don't have an O sometimes. I want him to focus on his own pleasure, that is actually what has always turned me on anyway. I do want him to 'wait for me' for a few minutes during PIV to give me some time to try to have an O, but if a guy seemed more focused on my O than his own or acted worried if I didn't have one, that would be a turn off. I want to simply relax during sex, not worry whether I'm going to have an O or not. I think for older women that is fairly common from what I've read.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BioFury said:


> While I have no way of predicting how someone else may react or behave, I'd like to think I know myself well enough. After all, one doesn't need to be sexually rejected, in order to experience rejection in all it's splendor.
> 
> Example. Let's say you have a dish that you think both you and your spouse absolutely love. It's both of your favorites. So you decide to sink your day into making it, and you're excited about sharing it with him, and how much you'll enjoy it together.
> 
> ...


🤣🤣 I can exactly tell you how the pizza example goes.

My wife has in times past cooked a not (to me) good item, and early on I did the pizza, but I wised up, and later ate these things, and after a few weeks just mentioned well that wasn't my favorite. 

Now, after so many years, she asks before she dies specialties, or sometimes cooks what she likes, we always find the humor in whether I eat or starve. But I always eat.

❤❤❤


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

The original post in this thread does not directly apply to my wife and I. In the last week I have learned that this violates the purpose of the 'sex in marriage' section of TAM. Can a moderator move this to a more appropriate section of TAM or delete the thread.

My intent in the original post was to share some of my thoughts and see what other people thought or had experienced. Maybe I should have made the original post a poll, as the intent was just to seek out peoples perspectives.


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