# Newly Separated Dad



## coatimundi

Hi there. I'm checking out resources online at this point for reasons I will detail below, but probably just need to type out my situation at this point in order to process it, so bear with me, please.

I'm 41, been married 10 years, and we have one 6 yo son. We've been in couples therapy for about 2.5 years, off and on. We started in 2019, the therapist then dropped our insurance, then Corona and couldn't get back in to anyone, but marital problems seemed secondary at that point anyway. Moved and got a new therapist we've been with for about 6 months. Neither of us believed moving would solve the issues, but I am overall happier here and I think she is too, but we never really dealt with the core problems in couples therapy just because it kind of came back (I have been in individual therapy for years, and would talk about it with him/her often) to her issues.

Back before we had a kid, there was an experience that made me realize her anxiety was going to be a big issue in our relationship. I gave her the ultimatum that, if we were to have a kid (she was pushing for it at this point), she had to get into therapy to deal with the anxiety. She agreed and went for several years, but I don't think it was a good therapist now. She liked her, but I would hear about how the therapist was giving her advice, and they were just sort of chatting. After we had the baby, the therapist told her that I "just needed to do more" in terms of caring for the baby and that became a theme for a while and I still resent that today and it's never been dealt with. I'm realizing that a lot of my issues are that I'm carrying a lot of resentment and I have never been able to resolve it because I can't talk to her about it because she shuts down.

A month ago, she suggested separation, and I latched on. I had wanted it too, but was afraid of suggesting it because she seemed too emotionally fragile to deal with it and I was terrified of what would happen with our son. The anxiety has gotten worse, she seems depressed, and seems to have become more focused on external validation. Admittedly, I haven't helped, because I more or less checked out at some point and became disinterested in physical contact beyond hugs and little kisses which I felt terrible about because they were just to placate her. I know I don't love her anymore, at least not the way I did years ago, and the only reason I didn't leave 2-3 years ago is due to our son. But I made the realization that the way our relationship was was a lot more damaging to him than it could be with a healthy separation or divorce.

So here I am, in a sad little Airbnb a few miles from the house I own, typing this out in my underwear. Overall, everything has been pretty amicable, and I know I'm fortunate in that. We are continuing couples therapy, which I see as a means of simply navigating this process and keeping things civil. I did talk to a lawyer early on, and that resulted in me making a couple of strategic moves, like paying off a car so that the money was not in my savings (we have totally separate finances; she makes very good money, but I still earn more than her and I worry about her lawyer coming after my money), and understanding that I needed to maintain a presence at the house. For June, I have been traveling but have not been staying at the house. When I was at the house, she had agreed to ignore me and we would just communicate by text, but that didn't happen, so I chose to stay elsewhere temporarily. However, in July, she is going to stay with a friend with my son and I will be in the house.

I don't see reconciliation here. It just doesn't feel like it's possible at this point. The separation has been weird. I have a dashcam in a car (in case I'm in an accident and the other party tries to blame me), and she has been unplugging it when she drives that car. I just haven't said anything. The other concerns are with how she is reacting toward my time at the house (I feel like she is unjustly coveting it) and some concerning interactions with my son.

My son is obviously my main concern, and she says he is hers too. He has shifted a little. He seems more eager to spend time with me and interact with me than he was when I was living in the house. I don't know if this is a good thing or not. I have read about how separation affects children his age, and have been making a point to be very loving, tell him I love him, and be as engaged as I can when I am around him. He and I already had what I would consider a great attachment, and he is a great kid and has not been exhibiting any behavioral issues in the last month, but obviously I worry about the whole thing. We didn't tell him. We actually agreed to tell just a couple of people each, none of whom are our families, and I specifically told her to please not tell her reactive friend. This has been hard because it isolates you a lot more. I don't think she is doing this though, because of how she is with needing to tell everyone everything.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. I don't know how familiar this sounds, but thanks for letting me write all this out. I'm always happy to meet new people and am eager to chat with other dads who are going, or have gone, through the same situation. At this point, the future is so unknown and that is scary and I have few outlets for talking about it.


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## uwe.blab

yeah so, the dash cam thing.....possibly another party involved here, huh?


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## Kaliber

@coatimundi , sorry you're going through all of this, you need to post this in [Going Through Divorce or Separation] section to get some feedback and advice!


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## coatimundi

uwe.blab said:


> yeah so, the dash cam thing.....possibly another party involved here, huh?


I'm not sure. If she was really trying to hide it, you'd think she would plug it back in. So maybe just doesn't want me to... I don't know. Ot maybe she is messing around and is just dumb about it? Tbh, I would be happy if she was messing around because I genuinely want her to find happiness, though something like that would be fleeting at this point. I have Ring camera control though and I know she's not bringing anyone over. I don't care who she screws at this point, but I absolutely refuse to let her bring them around my kid and into my house.


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## coatimundi

Kaliber said:


> @coatimundi , sorry you're going through all of this, you need to post this in [Going Through Divorce or Separation] section to get some feedback and advice!


Will do. Thank you!


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## oldshirt

coatimundi said:


> I don't care who she screws at this point, but I absolutely refuse to let her bring them around my kid and into my house.


You don't have the authority to refuse anything that she does. 

If you are separated and she wants to bring another man around, as long as he isn't a convicted child molester, child abuser or drug dealer, there won't be a thing you can do about it legally.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

coatimundi said:


> Hi there. I'm checking out resources online at this point for reasons I will detail below, but probably just need to type out my situation at this point in order to process it, so bear with me, please.
> 
> I'm 41, been married 10 years, and we have one 6 yo son. We've been in couples therapy for about 2.5 years, off and on. We started in 2019, the therapist then dropped our insurance, then Corona and couldn't get back in to anyone, but marital problems seemed secondary at that point anyway. Moved and got a new therapist we've been with for about 6 months. Neither of us believed moving would solve the issues, but I am overall happier here and I think she is too, but we never really dealt with the core problems in couples therapy just because it kind of came back (I have been in individual therapy for years, and would talk about it with him/her often) to her issues.
> 
> Back before we had a kid, there was an experience that made me realize her anxiety was going to be a big issue in our relationship. I gave her the ultimatum that, if we were to have a kid (she was pushing for it at this point), she had to get into therapy to deal with the anxiety. She agreed and went for several years, but I don't think it was a good therapist now. She liked her, but I would hear about how the therapist was giving her advice, and they were just sort of chatting. After we had the baby, the therapist told her that I "just needed to do more" in terms of caring for the baby and that became a theme for a while and I still resent that today and it's never been dealt with. I'm realizing that a lot of my issues are that I'm carrying a lot of resentment and I have never been able to resolve it because I can't talk to her about it because she shuts down.
> 
> A month ago, she suggested separation, and I latched on. I had wanted it too, but was afraid of suggesting it because she seemed too emotionally fragile to deal with it and I was terrified of what would happen with our son. The anxiety has gotten worse, she seems depressed, and seems to have become more focused on external validation. Admittedly, I haven't helped, because I more or less checked out at some point and became disinterested in physical contact beyond hugs and little kisses which I felt terrible about because they were just to placate her. I know I don't love her anymore, at least not the way I did years ago, and the only reason I didn't leave 2-3 years ago is due to our son. But I made the realization that the way our relationship was was a lot more damaging to him than it could be with a healthy separation or divorce.
> 
> So here I am, in a sad little Airbnb a few miles from the house I own, typing this out in my underwear. Overall, everything has been pretty amicable, and I know I'm fortunate in that. We are continuing couples therapy, which I see as a means of simply navigating this process and keeping things civil. I did talk to a lawyer early on, and that resulted in me making a couple of strategic moves, like paying off a car so that the money was not in my savings (we have totally separate finances; she makes very good money, but I still earn more than her and I worry about her lawyer coming after my money), and understanding that I needed to maintain a presence at the house. For June, I have been traveling but have not been staying at the house. When I was at the house, she had agreed to ignore me and we would just communicate by text, but that didn't happen, so I chose to stay elsewhere temporarily. However, in July, she is going to stay with a friend with my son and I will be in the house.
> 
> I don't see reconciliation here. It just doesn't feel like it's possible at this point. The separation has been weird. I have a dashcam in a car (in case I'm in an accident and the other party tries to blame me), and she has been unplugging it when she drives that car. I just haven't said anything. The other concerns are with how she is reacting toward my time at the house (I feel like she is unjustly coveting it) and some concerning interactions with my son.
> 
> My son is obviously my main concern, and she says he is hers too. He has shifted a little. He seems more eager to spend time with me and interact with me than he was when I was living in the house. I don't know if this is a good thing or not. I have read about how separation affects children his age, and have been making a point to be very loving, tell him I love him, and be as engaged as I can when I am around him. He and I already had what I would consider a great attachment, and he is a great kid and has not been exhibiting any behavioral issues in the last month, but obviously I worry about the whole thing. We didn't tell him. We actually agreed to tell just a couple of people each, none of whom are our families, and I specifically told her to please not tell her reactive friend. This has been hard because it isolates you a lot more. I don't think she is doing this though, because of how she is with needing to tell everyone everything.
> 
> Anyway, that's where I'm at. I don't know how familiar this sounds, but thanks for letting me write all this out. I'm always happy to meet new people and am eager to chat with other dads who are going, or have gone, through the same situation. At this point, the future is so unknown and that is scary and I have few outlets for talking about it.


Therapists are toxic to marriage. Imagine asking a 25 year old for relationship advice.


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## Marc878

coatimundi said:


> I'm not sure. If she was really trying to hide it, you'd think she would plug it back in. So maybe just doesn't want me to... I don't know. Ot maybe she is messing around and is just dumb about it? Tbh, I would be happy if she was messing around because I genuinely want her to find happiness, though something like that would be fleeting at this point. I have Ring camera control though and I know she's not bringing anyone over. I don't care who she screws at this point, but I absolutely refuse to let her bring them around my kid and into my house.


You have very little control over that. The rule of thumb is never leave your home. She asked for a separation which at the very least is a prelude to divorce. Live and learn.


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## Marc878

If you haven’t it’s always a good idea to check the phone bill.


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## Pinchey Guey

Could you elaborate more on the anxiety you referenced? My wife has high anxiety, but i fully understand where youre coming from about the need to seek external validation. However, i am uncertain as to whether or not our relationship is on the same path as yours and would like to use your experiences as a road map so to speak, if youre willing to talk about it.


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## uwe.blab

oldshirt said:


> You don't have the authority to refuse anything that she does.
> 
> If you are separated and she wants to bring another man around, as long as he isn't a convicted child molester, child abuser or drug dealer, there won't be a thing you can do about it legally.


Totally true, unfortunately (at times). The best you can do is not argue in front of your kid, do not belittle or talk badly about her OR whoever she brings around, and invest quality/connection time into the child. The kid will figure what seems right or wrong, or what is comfortable or not, on his own.


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## lifeistooshort

Marc878 said:


> If you haven’t it’s always a good idea to check the phone bill.


Why? He's said he doesn't love her, has no interest in physical contact, and wants a separation yet still thinks he can control who she brings around and who she brings to "his" house. And she's apparently obligated to leave the dash cam on.

Why is anything she does his business?


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## Marc878

lifeistooshort said:


> Why? He's said he doesn't love her, has no interest in physical contact, and wants a separation yet still thinks he can control who she brings around and who she brings to "his" house. And she's apparently obligated to leave the dash cam on.
> 
> Why is anything she does his business?


In some jurisdictions adultery can nullify alimony. It’s a business decision now.
Maybe that’s why they have issues. So why not?


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