# Sexless marriage



## worriedandmiserable (Jun 23, 2017)

Hi. I am new to this site and am in a really bad place. My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years and have two beautiful daughters, 11 and almost 5 years old. I love my husband and we are Christian. I have no intention of ever getting a divorce. But. There's that dangerous word. But he rarely shows me any affection or attention at all. During the best of times I feel like a friend and roommate. When it's bad, I feel like a nanny and housekeeper. Over the last year, we've had sex six times. It's not unusual for 4-6 months to go by without making love. Anytime I try to initiate sex, my husband says he's too tired. Then a day or two later, he will initiate it and while it's almost always physically satisfying, I know he's only doing it to appease me and I feel no emotional connection with him at all. The last time was nearly five weeks ago and it was a horrible experience for me. He didn't kiss me even once, never touched me at all except to hold onto my hips. After, I felt no better than a prostitute. I have had dozens of conversations about this with him over the last many years and nothing ever changes. He treats me like it's abnormal for me to want to be sexually intimate and seems to have the attitude that because he's tired and can't help that he's tired I just have to deal. It never matters that while I'm only asking him to give up 20-30 minutes of sleep maybe once a week, he's asking me to do without a satisfying sex life ALL THE TIME. I am heartbroken, lonely, angry, confused, frustrated and...becoming desperate. I've suggested having his testosterone levels checked, doing monthly date nights, counseling...he just doesn't care. And I know he's not having an affair. He says he still loves me and finds me attractive but just can't stay awake. I'm past the point of caring how tired he is and I'm really tired of crying myself to sleep at least one night every week when that week has past and he's not showed any sexual interest in me. We had another conversation last night and while I didn't spell it out entirely once again, I did let him know I feel like he's being very selfish and I need things to change. I know it won't. I need to be kissed, touched, noticed and appreciated. I need to have sex on a regular basis. I am seriously considering having an affair. And I hate myself for it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am a Christian as well and please dont commit adultery, it will only make things worse and may even cause your children to have to endure a marriage break up. It will also deeply affect your relationship with God. 
Do you have friends at your church who can pray with you about this? Who can give you godly advice?Is there a wise Christian couple who you both know and trust who you could go and see together? It may aso help if he can see a Christian male friend who he trusts to enable him as well to discuss what is going on. 

You may need to be really firm about this and make him see that you are close to breaking point and giving up on the marriage. I too hate divorce, and I am not suggesting that in any way, but a temporary separation may bring him to his senses. 

In your position, I would say that unless he seeks medical advice about his tiredness and testosterone levels, and also agrees to go together for some Christian marriage counseling, then you can't see any future for the marriage. If he cares he will make this effort to be able to stay with you.

Btw are you sure that doesn't look at porn? That can deeply affect a man's ability and desire to have normal sex. Is he also a Christian?


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

How would he feel if he lost you? Perhaps there is something going on that you don't know about that's affecting his confidence, ego or giving him a lot of stress:
Problems at work, fear of job loss, being bullied, over loaded.
Hidden debt problems, possibly gambling, drinking , drugs.
Being blackmailed.
Whatever it is, he may well be too ashamed about his state to be able to tell you.
I've read of men that through no fault of their own, have lost their job but cannot bring themselves to tell their partner so they so suit up and pretend to commute daily to their no-existent job!
I think you may have to do a little discreet detective work to find out what is going on


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

WOW you would consider an affair over divorce? Not judging just surprised.. That's great that you let him know how you feel and your right, something needs to change. I bet MC would help. I would make the appointment and let him know about it. If he refuses, you go. I have gone by myself when my husband refused to go. Is something going on at work with him? Stress does play a role but talking about it helps too.. I guess men keep stuff bottled up. Once the kids go to bed, open a bottle of wine and see if that helps.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Why is he always tired? 
Does he work all the time? 
Does he exercise regularly?

How are you sure he is not having an affair? 

If he's not going to get his T levels checked, that is unfortunate, because it would be good for him to know whether this is causing the problem. Why won't he get his levels checked? 

Please don't say you're Christian and don't believe in divorce, yet you're tempted to cheat. Divorce is far less complicated.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I was going to post something funny.

I changed my mind......to kind.

I like the idea of a trial separation to wake him up.

Wake up the part of him that hides in his trousers and wake up the part in his skull----> the gland connected to the Pineal [Wheel of Wood Fortune].

I guarantee that if he gets high dose Testosterone Injections your legs will get tired...... trying to get away from him and his Puff Adder.

Your Lambert will become a real Lion....I ain't lying!

Just sayin'


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

worriedandmiserable said:


> Hi. I am new to this site and am in a really bad place. My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years and have two beautiful daughters, 11 and almost 5 years old. I love my husband and we are Christian. I have no intention of ever getting a divorce. But. There's that dangerous word. But he rarely shows me any affection or attention at all. During the best of times I feel like a friend and roommate. When it's bad, I feel like a nanny and housekeeper. Over the last year, we've had sex six times. It's not unusual for 4-6 months to go by without making love. Anytime I try to initiate sex, my husband says he's too tired. Then a day or two later, he will initiate it and while it's almost always physically satisfying, I know he's only doing it to appease me and I feel no emotional connection with him at all. The last time was nearly five weeks ago and it was a horrible experience for me. He didn't kiss me even once, never touched me at all except to hold onto my hips. After, I felt no better than a prostitute. I have had dozens of conversations about this with him over the last many years and nothing ever changes. He treats me like it's abnormal for me to want to be sexually intimate and seems to have the attitude that because he's tired and can't help that he's tired I just have to deal. It never matters that while I'm only asking him to give up 20-30 minutes of sleep maybe once a week, he's asking me to do without a satisfying sex life ALL THE TIME. I am heartbroken, lonely, angry, confused, frustrated and...becoming desperate. I've suggested having his testosterone levels checked, doing monthly date nights, counseling...he just doesn't care. And I know he's not having an affair. He says he still loves me and finds me attractive but just can't stay awake. I'm past the point of caring how tired he is and I'm really tired of crying myself to sleep at least one night every week when that week has past and he's not showed any sexual interest in me. We had another conversation last night and while I didn't spell it out entirely once again, I did let him know I feel like he's being very selfish and I need things to change. I know it won't. I need to be kissed, touched, noticed and appreciated. I need to have sex on a regular basis. I am seriously considering having an affair. And I hate myself for it.



Don't have and affair it won't fix it. Besides that God hates divorce but permitted it in the old testament, but commanded both parties of an affair to be put to death. What do you think he hates more? If it comes to that get divorced. 

So some hard questions about him. Porn use? Med check, testosterone? Some questions about you. What kind of shape are you in, have you put on a large amount of weight? Have you tried to seduce him? Are you sexual with him? You say you feel like a housekeeper, have you tried to be a siren maybe he just needs a little help. 

When the men come on here and talk about lack of sex one of the major pieces of advice that i given out is, get in shape, be assertive make yourself desirable to her. I think the same holds true to women. Not to say you are not doing that but it is something to think about.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Can't stay awake? There's a new one. I'm 57 years old and thrive on 5 to 6 hours of sleep a day. 

How many hours a day does he sleep? What kind of work does he do?


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

Is this a recent event in your marriage? Was your sex life ever satisfying? Or are you entering an awakening time in this area?

I would be suspicious of refusal and then a couple days later unsatisfactory sex. If he has a porn problem then it would make sense he is saving himself for his hand and just doesn't have enough to go around for you.

As far as an affair is concerned, please don't do it. You will ruin your family and someone else's family. While as a Christian in a lot of circles there are pressures to not divorce and I understand that. However God allows for divorce even if it because of "hardness of hearts" it is still allowed. In this case your husband's. 

You deserve for your husband to love and cherish you. It is obvious he does neither. 

If he once was interested in you sexually and now no longer is and is not watching porn to get off I would seriously encourage him to get his T levels checked. Lots of people think low T automatically means ED but in my experience ED was the last symptom to show up and was the catalyst for me to seek help. 

Once I had several weeks of shots on board (find the proper level) I found out that I had been dealing with low T unknowingly for at least 10 years. If he doesn't have enough free T in his system then desire will eventually evaporate. You will be asking his mind to do something that is not possible even though his body can still go through the motions. 

Also if I had to guess based on your description he is mid to late 30s. That isn't too young to be experiencing low T. He should be in the 600s for total T. Don't let his dr say that 275 is "normal". There's plenty of research on the internet about low T. Do some research and maybe you will start recognizing your husband in the descriptions of someone with low T. 

Sit him down and have a serious discussion with him. Tell him you are no longer satisfied with his lack of love and passion and would like to understand why. I would document for yourself exactly the quality and quantity of each encounter between you two and show him the hard evidence. If he has low T he might not have the energy nor drive to get help for himself. So you might have to take matters in your own hands so to speak and do all the leg work. First I would rule out porn as other posters have mentioned. 

Require satisfying mind-blowing-toe-curling love making at least once a week or find another lover that will ( after you divorce and not before)


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There are a number of posters here in low-sex to sexless marriages and many threads on the topic. Its a miserable situation to be in, not at all what a loving marriage should be like. You have the sympathy of many here, whether or not we can actually give any useful advice. 

Do either of you have any significant medical problems? Is he on any medication that he takes regularly? Some, like anti-depressants can completely kill someone's sex drive.

What is the history on this? Were you intimate (with or without actual sex) when you were dating? Early in your marriage? 

In addition to having low desire is he also very limited in his sexual interests? Does he have any unusual sexual interests? 

Porn addiction or being gay are both possible, but there are also some people who simply don't want sex - not clear why, but its very difficult to change.

Other than lack of sex, how is your marriage. Are you happy otherwise (to the extent that you can be)? Is he?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@worriedandmiserable

Welcome to TAM. At the same time, I'm sorry that you find yourself in a situation where you feel you need to be here.

First off, you need to recognize that you are normal and have a very normal sex drive. Your husband is the one with the problem here.

We often hear about women who make a marriage sexless. We seldom hear about men who do this. After all we at told that men want sex all the time. Right? Well that's not right. The fact is that men choose to make their marriage sexless just as often as women do. It just does not fit the stereo type that we are fed. That for a woman in a situation like yours, the stereo type that says that a man wants sex all the time feels cruel.

It's cruel because it puts the blame on the woman. After all if all men want sex all the time, then what's wrong with you if your own husband does not want sex with you? So when a woman withholds sex, the woman is blamed. When a man withholds sex, the woman is blamed.

You are in now in what is called a sexless marriage. A sexless marriage is defined as a marriage in which there is sex 10 or fewer times a year. And it is your husband who is choosing this. 

Your husband is choosing to always be tired just when you want sex. Is he so tired that that he cannot do anything at all? Are there things that he does do and he is not tired for? 

There is a thread here on TAM specifically for the purpose of helping women like you, who find themselves in a sexless marriage. I started it because I too was in a sexless marriage. And what I found out is that most women in sexless marriages are afraid to talk about it because we are blamed outright for it. So we keep quiet. Well, there is no reason for you to keep quiet here on TAM. We get it here on TAM.

I'm posting a link here to the thread for women in sexless marriages. Read at least the first two pages or so where I give links to books and other information that you will most likely find helpful. If you want to read the entire thread, or a lot of it, many women on it talk about their experience in their own sexless marriages.

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html
*


Now about you thinking of having an affair. Those thoughts are normal. 

Think of men in sexless marriages, very often people excuse it when they have affairs because after all their wife is so cruel to withhold sex. Well, the same goes for women whose husbands choose to make the marriage sexless.

Not that I am suggesting that you have an affair. If you did have an affair, it might feel good for a while, but in the end you will have badly hurt yourself. Instead you need to deal with the issue of your marriage head on.

You say that you do not want a divorce. I don't know what version of Christianity you follow, but most consider abuse a valid reason for divorce. And withholding sex is a form of emotional abuse. If you look at the links provided in that thread above, one is to a study about why men chose to not have sex with their wives. Most of the time it's because the men are harboring anger at their wives. They are not tired. They are not sick. They do not have ED or other sexual malfunctions. They are simply pissed at their wives and withholding sex is a passive aggressive way to punish their wife. The same holds true for women who withhold sex. 

Withholding sex is a great passive aggressive way to punish your spouse. After all look what your husband says when you want sex? He acts like there is something wrong with you for wanting sex. And then he's tired--how can you pressure a poor, tired man for sex???? You awful woman. 

I'll stop here for now. Please read the thread I linked to. Then we can all here on TAM offer you more support on this thread of yours.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

worriedandmiserable said:


> I need to have sex on a regular basis. I am seriously considering having an affair. And I hate myself for it.


*Try scheduling it!*

If you get out your calendars to see what is available, he will be hard pressed to tell you why he is planning to be tired as an excuse next Saturday at 3pm in the afternoon. If anything it will help make your discussion easier because you are not asking him for sex at the very moment, you are only planning around other items in your schedule to try and find time for one another. 

Hope that helps. It has helped me and my wife. 

Badsanta


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