# Saturday Changed My Life



## dcampbell (Jan 23, 2012)

I'm new here and have started 6 maybe 8 times to compose what happened to me this past Saturday, but this one will be posted! It's going to take some time to explain everything but I need some help with my hurt, pain, sadness, and crashing self esteeme.
In August last year I had to leave my life in the midwest to go back to the UK and care for my mother who has alzheimers. It was a very difficult thing to do, I left my relationship, my children, my job, and my friends to go and take care of her until a visa could be secured to bring her back to the US with me, lawyers told me it would be a 6 month process. My girlfriend (in fairness) had always told me long before this move came up that she was horrible at being alone, she's just one of those people who needs to be with others or her partner, I'm perfectly ok being alone so I don't fully understand her need that way but I accept she is that way as I did every other part of her.
I promised her I was coming back, I kept telling her it'll be ok and just hang in there, I went back to see her in October for 10 days but apart from that no other visits. We've had a couple of battles due to frustration to the point we've broken up for a day or two but cooler heads always brought us back together albeit at a distance.
Just after the Xmas holidays we had a major break down, both saying things by email and text that two people who love each other should not. After I cooled off I booked a flight and sent her the details of the flight and said, I'll be at Indy Airport at 7:59 on Thursday (of last week) will you be? She tried to tell me not to come back but my position was that I had to try and repair our life together, I just didn't want to leave it that way, I wanted to be able look back and know I did everything I could to save us. She met me at the exit to the Terminal, beautuful as ever, we hugged and she grabbed my hand as we went to get my bag, it was so good to see her and she seemed to feel the same way. When we got back to our home she told me she had taken the next day off work, it was the best thing I've ever heard, a whole day together without kids. The day was as good as I thought, we seemed to slip right back into our old life with no problem. 
The only down side to her taking Friday off was that she had to go into work on Saturday for a while, I was ok with that, life has to go on. I made her breakfast Saturday morning and noticed she was a little distant but brushed it off as her not wanting to go into work. I dropped her an email during the day telling her how I loved and missed her and how great it was to be back. She comes back home about 5 pm and the distance had grown, she wouldn't sit next to me and seemed distracted, I went for a shower and when I came back down she said .....are we going to ignor the 800 lb gorilla in the room any more? I said no lets talk. I assumed she wanted to understand what had happened during the ugly time before I decided to come back. I went into my speach of telling her I had made this trip for her and her alone, that there was no other woman in the world for me and that during the time I have been gone I have not as much as even looked at another woman, which is true, I adore her. I finished and she said you know I don't do well alone and after the break up last week I really thought we were finished, and then some other stuff about how hard it has been and how she is / was angry that I left her in August to spend her birthday, Xmas and New Year alone not to mention huge stress at her job which we used to talk thru. 
Eventually she said ....... I'm not wired the way you need to be to have a long distance relationship.............and I've been dating.........I asked if she had sex and she told me yes. It happend the weekend before I arrived. I was crushed, I could hardly breath and felt very angry. I said a lot of things in anger that honestly I felt she deserved. I don't know how else you are supposed to handle this as it's never happened before. I asked her what it felt like, she said it was a horrible experience and when she was done she put her clothes on, left, and cried all the way home. I had always told her my one rule was if you cheat the only thing you'll see of me is the back of my head walking out the door. I went out for a couple of hours with a friend and had a couple of beers to calm down, I thought it had helped but when I walked back in I coudn't even look at her.
I spent the night thinking, crying, wondering why? It was so close to the end, the visa is nearly in hand, I'll be back in 6 weeks for good. 
I have had a habit of running away from problems (much less than this in the past) but for some reason I didn't want to run, I wanted to be close to her. As morning broke things cleared up a little, less foggy and I started to understand we needed to talk, I didn't want this to be over but what she did had killed me. We talked for hours, I asked her if she had a choice, if she was God what would she want for her future, she said I want a future with you in it, I want you back and I want the life we had planned. 
I said that today (Sunday) was the start of a new day, line had been drawn in the sand and we were moving on, but Christ it's hard. I find myself all over the place mentally, one moment happy with my choice the next crushed and wondering if I made the right choice. I keep running the video of her at the bar with this guy, flipping her hair and laughing with him, then the next video replay is the sex of which I have no details but does it really f*****g matter, it's there and it won't go away. I want to give this woman a chance, we're not married and maybe that makes some kind of difference in the long run. Maybe I need to focus on that, it's just so bloody hard to focus on anything. 
I am all over the place, I love this woman like I've never loved anyone before and I'll be back by the end of February full time. I feel like a fool, I feel kicked and punched when I was gone looking after my mother.
Does anyone have anything to add? Anything at all would be great I need some feedback. FYI she is suffering from a great deal of guilt, she says she has failed as my future wife and she doesn't know how to handle what she has done.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Dude, I know that you don't want to hear this, but you need to run. She's shown her true colors. She even stated that she can't handle being alone. What happens if you two get married and the only job you get requires you to travel a lot? 

She "thought" you two were broken up and within DAYS of this thought, she's sleeping with someone else. What does that say on how she valued your relationship. She didn't even mourn the end of the relationship and got busy with someone else!

Sorry, but I don't have much hope for this relationship..


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

The writing on the wall was clear. She set the expectations, groundwork and disclaimers. She feels like you were warned. Now that the seal has been broken and you swallowed it, count on being cheated on again. Not a matter of "if", it's a matter of when.

If you want to feed yourself denials, rationalizations, and romance movie plot lines... It's your life. 

Be clear on this, she will destroy you. 

Good luck.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

She bedded another man because she was mad at you for being a good son and doing right by you mother. That is cold. If she cannot grow up and stay faithful now she will not be faithful when you marry. Take her off the pedestal; she is not worth worshipping. You are going to be doing a lot more traveling and if you do bring your mum over she will be jealous of the time you spend taking care of her. Let her go find a sedentary guy who she can use and destroy. She is not a good person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dcampbell (Jan 23, 2012)

spudster said:


> She bedded another man because she was mad at you for being a good son and doing right by you mother. That is cold. If she cannot grow up and stay faithful now she will not be faithful when you marry. Take her off the pedestal; she is not worth worshipping. You are going to be doing a lot more traveling and if you do bring your mum over she will be jealous of the time you spend taking care of her. Let her go find a sedentary guy who she can use and destroy. She is not a good person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, she said she was mad at me for leaving me and yes, it is cold, I felt that from the moment she told me what she'd done.. Maybe I need to rethink what I have said and done since it all happened. I guess I want to believe her but "want to" and reality are not the same thing, are they?
****, this isn't getting any better


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

This is an ancient legend told by the cherokee indian tribe... LINK

You knew she was the snake.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Look. If she had trouble with handling a long distance relationship she should have said to you that the relationship was over. At that point she could have done whatever she wanted because the two of you would have been history. But she did not the courage to do it, did she? Instead she gave you a veiled warning and like a coward she chose to sleep with another man. You chose to forgive her and that's fine but it doesn't mean that you should reconcile with her and if you do then you do so at your own risk.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Dude, RUUUUUUUUUN!!!! I did the same thing you did, accepted a cheating girlfriend back and ended up marrying her. Trust me, you won't forget it, ever. I never did and it caused me to do things outside my character to try and deflect the pain and make her feel how I did. Just move on. Find a woman that is right for you. I strongly believe that women are more forgiving than men, call it an ego thing, or whatever else, but we usually are terrible at letting infidelity of our women go. Like I said, head for the hills!!


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

> Yes, she said she was mad at me for leaving me and yes, it is cold, I felt that from the moment she told me what she'd done.. Maybe I need to rethink what I have said and done since it all happened. I guess I want to believe her but "want to" and reality are not the same thing, are they?
> ****, this isn't getting any better


Did she sleep with the guy after you told her you were flying over to see her, or before?

Also, do not have sex with her. If you did, get checked for STDs.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Help me understand this, i just dont get this??


*when I came back down she said .....are we going to ignor the 800 lb gorilla in the room any more?* What gorrila in the room?


*she said you know I don't do well alone and after the break up last week 
I really thought we were finished.* How was that confirmed??



st*uff about how hard it has been and how she is / was angry that I left her in August to spend her birthday, Xmas and New Year alone.*And now she tells you she is angry?Sigh. So she has no friend or familly? *not to mention huge stress at her job which we used to talk thru.* So why was she angry of you? I mean according to her.You two broke up.Should it not be that she would be angry of insted??


*and I've been dating.*Really that soon? I get that she has a problem being alone.Lot of people feel that way... *I asked if she had sex and she told me yes. It happend the weekend before* ..So get some friend,why would that be problem?

And finally .Finally she dates for a few week´s
And have sex only one time? Seriously?

How do you Know she has broke up with that guy?

*She when´t to work , on Saturday?*

Sound strange to me..Are you sure of that?

This should really bug you.

She broke it of the week before you arraived.
And considering hear fear of being alone.

How on earth did she manage to be alone under that time
??



And also how come she breaks done and cry´s and being remorsful. You two broke up according to her. Remember?


Why the need for the drama??

And how come she is not angry at you now?

Sorry dude but your in for a hell of a supprise..

You have only got the tip of the iceberg..


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you broke up before she banged someone, I don't see where you have a leg to stand on. As a matter of fact you broke up several times correct? Arguing, fighting, breaking up over the phone, what did you expect?

How were things when you were together all the time? 

As far as a future long distance relationship goes, forget it, they are a natural breeding ground for infidelity.

By the way it takes two to keep an arguement/fight going.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why don't you ask her to set up and start attending professional therapy to find out why she chose a destructive path, as a requirement for you to continue to date her?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

**** i missed this

*I'll be back by the end of February full time.*

Considering her fear of being alone.
How will she manage to be alone until end of FEB?

Whats her plan to cope?


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Dcampbell is expending way too much energy on this woman. Time to move on.


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

You said she was little distant Saturday morning and even more distant when she returned from work, are you sure she was at work and not with OM?? I don't think your getting the whole story!
But your girlfriend sounds very insecure, immature and obviously not committed to you as you think she is. Therefore, I would think twice about forgiving her so quickly and really look at her charactor as a woman. Do you want someone like that for your future wife, future Mother of your children???


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

I hate to say it but I agree with the others, She has set the norm for your future relationship (should you continue it) and expect her to cheat again if you travel for a long time again. You would be stupid to stay with her.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

> This is an ancient legend told by the cherokee indian tribe... LINK
> 
> You knew she was the snake


Tha Navajo here in the southwest have the same parable, except the snake is a scorpion.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Jonesey said:


> **** i missed this
> 
> *I'll be back by the end of February full time.*
> 
> ...


She is essentially telling you to choose between your mom and her. She is not cool with the long-distance relationship, and proved that to you.

What happens when you eventually get your mom over here? She cannot be left alone obviously; is your girlfriend going to tolerate your mom living with you (and you only getting time with GF when you have someone to watch your mom)? If you put your mom in a home and go visit her frequently, is your gf going to be cool with that?

People with Alzheimer's linger on while deteriorating for years - sometimes decades (I know someone who's parent is exactly in this state). I seriously doubt that your gf will ride this out with you. And, to be honest, you might have a hard time finding someone who would. Regardless, your gf is not the one, and she has no problem seeking her own happiness while you are away.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would have been so accepting as you have been. Get tested for STD's.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Let me give you a little perspective. Been married 32 years to a wonderful woman. When I was in the navy she waited faithfully (before we were married). I was gone 7 months. She didn't like being alone either so she would hang out with my mom and my little sister and her friends. My mom had a stroke about 5 years into the marriage. So for the last 27 years she cared for my mom (about 40% disabled left side). 10 years after that mom had a 13lb. tumor removed from her females. She never complained, just wished the bros and sister would help more. Mom died last Christmas. My wife was her best friend in the world. If you don't see this woman in her.......keep looking.

P.S. If you are going to have to care for your mom. You need a partner who will love her as if she was her mother.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Oh and also, her saying that she can't be alone and "dated" while you were gone. Basically she has told you that if you are not there to give her attention she will sleep with other men until you get back. I mean that is what she basically said isn't it?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

dcampbell, your "lady" doesn't seem to handle adversity very well, so how would you expect her to react to any other situation?
Keep looking because the "love" that you profess for her isn't reciprocal.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Initfortheduration said:


> Oh and also, her saying that she can't be alone and "dated" while you were gone. Basically she has told you that if you are not there to give her attention she will sleep with other men until you get back. I mean that is what she basically said isn't it?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


Love is not blind open your eyes, come out of fog, see the love,t feel that, she is not the last lady on earth. lol


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I would move on. You're not married to her and don't have kids together. If you were tied down with kids, I could see giving her a second chance rather than deal with custody issues. Since you don't have that, I wouldn't waste any more time.


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