# Is flirting With no intentions possible?



## LGZ (Nov 9, 2015)

I saw a conversation between my wife and some other guy.They call each other "spirit gf and spirit bf" whatever that means, she even says she misses chatting to the guy on one of her messages.He says things like,you were looking stunning today.I asked her about these conversations with this other man and she says she chats to him because he makes her feel beautiful because I dont make her feel beautiful.beautiful. Ok so where is this coming from? Well I criticize her wardrobe apparently and I wasn't even aware of this.I will sometimes say that top looks better or those shoes don't really work.All along I thought i was helping but i was only depressing her especially since she feels her clothes make her feel old.I think her clothes look fine on her and was just trying to help her see this by giving her options,only to find out im making a big mistake.Anyway she is chatting to this guy and she says she would never cheat on me,she doesnt like the guy in that way.I personally think that's exactly how affairs start,the attraction will just grow and the fact that she can be so confident about not ever cheating on me no matter how much she can chat to a guy really bothers me.I want to know from the ladies especially,Can you chat to a guy this way continuously and not ever get attracted to him at some point sexually?


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## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

Emotional affair in the works.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I doubt it. I'll tell you a secret: women don't really want advice on how to dress from their man. This man is validating her choices and giving her exactly what she wants from you. How about buying her some new clothes (which she picks out without your input)?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

LGZ said:


> *I want to know from the ladies especially,* Can you chat to a guy this way continuously and not ever get attracted to him at some point sexually?


I happen to be very outgoing and have no problem chatting it up with anyone, male or female. But I also have never flirted with a guy or had the kinds of conversations your wife is having unless I had "intentions" of taking it further.

Your instincts are correct. This is how affairs begin, emotional or otherwise.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Getting needs met from someone else, whatever they may be, IS exactly how affairs start and whether or not she is physically attracted to the guy she is in emotional affair land. Is does typically turn into a PA because meeting those needs will turn into attraction. 

Coping with Infidelity: Beginning (Part 1)

She needs to stop contact with this guy now and commit to never contact him again.
Then you can work on the marriage in general. I don't think it's as simple as "compliment her clothes". 

How much time do you spend together each week? What are hers and your emotional needs and how well are they both being met?
How about things that annoy or make each other unhappy?
Love Busters Questionnaire
The Most Important Emotional Needs


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

Massive red flag here, she's bonding with another man. Set up some boundaries in a non shouting way. 
She should NOT be comparing you to other men!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Emotional affairs (like this one) can have a tendency to progress eventually to PAs if they go unchecked.

It might help for you and your W to find out one another's emotional needs:- Emotional Needs Questionnaire

That site, btw, has a lot of good advice on setting healthy marital boundaries and affair proofing your marriage.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

LGZ said:


> ...she says she doesn't like the guy in that way.


That and "I think he's gay" means "I'll be making out with him soon" in these types of situations.

Be sure your wife knows there is NO DOUBT he wants entry into her pants. NONE. Ask her if that makes her feel good or pathetic that she still wants to be "friends" with him.

This guy goes. There is only ONE REASON a guy gives a woman fashion advice. I find it impossible she dpoesn't know that.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

"spirit gf and spirit bf" !!??!!

It's Already an Emotional Affair! (EA)

"she says she would never cheat on me"

Got news for ya. She's Already cheating on you. With her , gag, puke, "spirit bf".


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## LGZ (Nov 9, 2015)

I spoke to her about it and I told her how I feel about this whole situation,she seems quite adamant that she would never do such.So I told her that if she is going to go on like this it just tells me she is half committed and that if she will be half committed then I deserve to know so I don't waste my time being fully committed to someone who isn't .I at least deserve to be told so I can choose to move on or stay,I should be given the chance to make a choice otherwise it wouldn't be fair.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I can flirt with no intentions, but those are generally on-time things, or very occasional. Frequent or repeated flirting with the same person is unusual unless there is more of a connection than should exist, IMO.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

syhoybenden said:


> "spirit gf and spirit bf" !!??!!
> 
> It's Already an Emotional Affair! (EA)
> 
> ...


QFT:iagree:


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

LGZ said:


> I spoke to her about it and I told her how I feel about this whole situation,she seems quite adamant that she would never do such.So I told her that if she is going to go on like this it just tells me she is half committed and that if she will be half committed then I deserve to know so I don't waste my time being fully committed to someone who isn't .I at least deserve to be told so I can choose to move on or stay,I should be given the chance to make a choice otherwise it wouldn't be fair.


There's a lot of people who don't understand what an emotional affair is or that it's even cheating. Some people think they are ok unless they step over the line to physical. 

Just hold the anger and ultimatums right now, Start with showing her some information about emotional affairs.
Emotional Affairs 101 (there's a million different places) 
and go from there.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

LGZ said:


> I spoke to her about it and I told her how I feel about this whole situation,she seems quite adamant that she would never do such.*So I told her that if she is going to go on like this it just tells me she is half committed and that if she will be half committed then I deserve to know so I don't waste my time being fully committed to someone who isn't .*I at least deserve to be told so I can choose to move on or stay,I should be given the chance to make a choice otherwise it wouldn't be fair.


great response. What did she say to this?


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## LGZ (Nov 9, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> great response. What did she say to this?


She seemed to be nodding in agreement,so just to make sure she takes me seriously I said I dont want to see something like that again....She now knows how strongly I feel about this,I dont know how I would know if she is carrying on with these conversations though.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

LGZ said:


> She seemed to be nodding in agreement,so just to make sure she takes me seriously I said I dont want to see something like that again....She now knows how strongly I feel about this,I dont know how I would know if she is carrying on with these conversations though.


Time for open transparency. She is having an emotional affair.

You have told her this has to stop and stop now. Time to get all passwords to all devices and accounts and put them on the table to be checked at random. The is for both of you

She knows this guy from work? Maybe it's time for her to get a new job.

I would consider marriage counseling to find out how you both got to this place. 

I think so far you have handled this well. Stick to your guns, and have accountability or things will never change.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

If he works with her then meet your wife after work and surprise her to a slap up meal/bar lunch and movie, It serves the purpose of making you appear fun and spontaneous again and sends him the message to back off, I would mention to him if you see him that as her spirit husband you wont tolerate a spirit boyfriend and stay away


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

D.H Mosquito said:


> If he works with her then meet your wife after work and surprise her to a slap up meal/bar lunch and movie, It serves the purpose of making you appear fun and spontaneous again and sends him the message to back off, I would mention to him if you see him that as her spirit husband you wont tolerate a spirit boyfriend and stay away


Yes, nothing like a few words to show the OM you mean business..


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

In my experience, any time your partner has "inside jokes" with an opposite sex friend that you are not privy to, then things have already gotten inappropriate.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

OP are you young?

Apparently you have never met the Rationalization Hamster.

Her relationship with this guy is completely inappropriate, if she is serious about having a relationship with you. The kicker in what I just said is that by her actions, she is already showing she is not. :redcard:

She'll make up whatever excuse her mind can think of to make you inadequate compared to this guy. It's a losing battle. The way to win is not to play. Go find a woman that doesn't play games.

If she's that displeased that you don't give her the kind of attention she desires, then you can leave her to go be with a man that will treat her the way she wants. Then you'll know you helped her in every way to find her true happiness.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> I doubt it. I'll tell you a secret: women don't really want advice on how to dress from their man. This man is validating her choices and giving her exactly what she wants from you. How about buying her some new clothes (which she picks out without your input)?


This seems SO simple, but so hard!!!
The other day my wife asked me how she looked and I said awesome (I was telling the truth). When she asked me about another outfit, I said good too, but in a different way so I guess she could read my face.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

this will go bad quickly, she needs to stop it now. I've been in the situation myself and so has my wife, both times it started innocently and almost cost us each other before we married. We learned where to draw the line and have been great for years.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

OP, you need to stop puzzy footing around this topic with your wife. It's WAY beyond any normal conversations a wife should have with other men.

You need to tell her that "based on what you've seen, read, and the amount of contact with this man, that she needs to decide between you or him because any further contact with him and I'm done with this marriage."

Don't negotiate. Tell her flat out that you won't sit back and watch her flirt with some other guy in plain site and you are not going to sit around while she has play time with OM.

You seriously need to man up here. Don't back down one ounce. That guy needs to go. NO excuse is acceptable at this point. Tell her that as well.

Secondly you need to figure out what's going on in the marriage. Don't think it's all you either. Spend time with each other, date each other etc.

But the guy has to go with zero conditions. There is no negotiation on that. If you negotiate it then you may as well let her go because she's already gone...


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

I think it's possible, but in this situation it doesn't sound like it. I used to flirt with other females. I justified it because I wasn't getting any attention at home. I never once fell in love. I never once strayed physically, either. I never exchanged pictures or "I love yous" or anything like that; however, what I was doing was just as wrong. I acknowledged that as I grew older. I no longer do that. I actually go out of my way to remove myself from those situations now. What is going on with you and your wife could be headed in the wrong direction, Brobot.


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