# Need a little help



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Ladies, what can I do to raise my wife's self esteem? She doesn't realize how beautiful she is. Her body is never good enough. Whenever I tell her how beautiful she is i get the feeling she thinks I'm just playing her.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I also need help with this. I am pretty clueless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

It's more what you do than what you say. Yes my H have all the right words, but his action show me too by how he caress and kiss every inch of me. How he looks when he is caressing and holding me like it's the best feeling in the world. I'm not that expressive with writing but when he come in contact with my body I know he is SO into me. But it have to be what you are really feeling, not something fake just to get your sex on.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

As a woman who struggles with this, I feel confident when I dress sexy, and compliments then, work nice.... when I am naked and vulnerable... not so much, he could say anything and I think about the nearest worst area... and think it is just talk. (just being real). Especially since having kids, and seeing him check out (rather quickly) younger ladies.... (check yourself in that department). 
Also, it's not just what you say, it's the timing. For instance once my husband told me he loves how beautiful my bed head is in the morning. I laughed, but it was the timing and the WAY he said it. IT was not the expected "you look nice" right before we were going out. Also, point out things you know she worked on, like her new hairstyle, her eyes with a bit of mascara... etc.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Compliments are always a good thing. 
The look on your face when you look at me.
Touching every inch of me, including the parts I may be self conscious of.
Don't refuse sex (unless there is a reaaaally good reason)
Having the lights on and looking at me during sex shows me my body is desirable. 
Introducing me to people you run into while out together.
Take me out on dates and treating me like I am your wife and not a personal assistant.
Don't flirt with other women. 
I have intelligence. Speak to me that way.

My stbxh failed at all of these. I often think he went out of his way to ensure I felt worse about myself.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It's a catch 22. You think she's beautiful and you want sex. She thinks you're playing her because you want sex. I don't think you can win this without giving up wanting sex and dang who can do that?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Thound said:


> Ladies, what can I do to raise my wife's self esteem? She doesn't realize how beautiful she is. Her body is never good enough. *Whenever I tell her how beautiful she is i get the feeling she thinks I'm just playing her*.


Thound you may already do all this but...... do you tell her what it is about her that is so beautiful.. is it her eyes or her smile or her long toned legs that you're noticing. Does she have some cute mannerism or behaviour that you notice and love...tell her about it.

Do you compliment her when your in bed together telling her how sexy she is and how good she smells, feels etc...

When you're together (especially if you're out for dinner or shopping or the likes) do you give her your undivided attention (no gawping at other women .... I'm sure you don't do that anyway). Do you look her in the eye and show her how interested you are in what she has to say.

Do you remember birthdays, anniversaries, special days... not necessarily with big gifts or holidays but with a thoughtful gift and/or your time and attention. One thing I adore is when hubby will organise a picnic for us..with yummy food and wine at a beautiful spot somewhere. He sorts it all and it makes me feel very loved and important to him.

Do you tell her and others (so she overhears) how proud you are of her for her job promotion/weight loss/sports achievement and how lucky you are to have her in your life? My hubby has always done this a lot and sometimes I feel a little embarrassed because he makes it so clear he thinks I'm the bees knees.. but at the same time it just warms my heart.

I know for myself I need more than talk... H makes me feel loved and cherished and smart AND beautiful (and in turn my self esteem soars) with both his words and his actions.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Not ogling other women when we are out. Not ogling women on his computer. Noticing me and the effort I've put in to make myself look attractive. Never ever comparing me to anyone or making rude comments about me or other women. 

The best though is when we are out at a party or something and I catch him looking at me from across the room. He often tells me that all the energy in the room is focused on me and that I am the most beautiful woman in any room he's ever been in.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

waiwera said:


> Thound you may already do all this but...... do you tell her what it is about her that is so beautiful.. is it her eyes or her smile or her long toned legs that you're noticing. Does she have some cute mannerism or behaviour that you notice and love...tell her about it.
> 
> Do you compliment her when your in bed together telling her how sexy she is and how good she smells, feels etc...
> 
> ...


She does have beautiful eyes, beautiful face, etc, but what I find her best feature is her soul. She has a warm and tender heart (not so much towards me anymore), but everyone loves her. She is true southern belle.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Thound, first of all, in my opinion, most women have low self esteem. Second, I read through some of your old posts and feel that this is just another symptom of the greater problem.

You have been on this site for some time now, You have posted many questions about your relationship and your wife not being interested in you for the past 10 years and have received many replies, I assume have been reading other posts and books suggested. So the question is, what are you doing to change things between the two of you?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

JustHer said:


> Thound, first of all, in my opinion, most women have low self esteem. Second, I read through some of your old posts and feel that this is just another symptom of the greater problem.
> 
> You have been on this site for some time now, You have posted many questions about your relationship and your wife not being interested in you for the past 10 years and have received many replies, I assume have been reading other posts and books suggested. So the question is, what are you doing to change things between the two of you?


Good questions, and I honestly don't have any good answers. Presently I have been working on myself. I have lost weight and started working out. I have quit being needy and controlling and jealous. I kinda of know what her love language is ( she will not participate ) so I have to guess what her needs are. I have been taking on more of a leadership role in our marriage. My problem is I don't know how much is relationship problems and how much is perimenopausal, menopausal. Sometimes I want to pack up and leave, but I have made promises to her and God, and I believe the only reason for divorce is infidelity. This is MY beliefs and I don't judge anyone who believes other wise.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

little poems about what you love about her.

Reminders from out of the blue that she looks amazing.. or "Hey you look pretty sexy in the blouse... where did you say you were going again?".

Not "constantly" telling her she's beautiful.. but good reminders every so often. Don't fall into the trap of only telling her she's beautiful, when she is complaining about her hair, or asks how she looks in an outfit. I feel many guys fall into this habit. 
Her: You never tell me I'm lovely anymore.
Him: What do you mean? I just told you yesterday you were beautiful
Her: When? 
Him: You asked how the dress looked & I said it was beautiful on you.

An insecure woman would think you don't REALLY think she's pretty, because A) you had to be prompted to give her the compliment and/or B) it was the dress you feel was nice, not her.


ALSO: please remember, Self esteem issues do NOT just stem from how she feels about her body. She is not secure in HERSELF as a whole. Compliment her tasks she's completed. Compliment her thoughts/ideas.. her attitude or how she handles situations. 

Letting her know/hear that you think her mind is beautiful too, will help as much if not more than the physical compliments.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Chelle D said:


> little poems about what you love about her.
> 
> Reminders from out of the blue that she looks amazing.. or "Hey you look pretty sexy in the blouse... where did you say you were going again?".
> 
> ...


Thanks for your ideas. They were very good as well.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The standard of beauty in our culture is unattainable for the great majority of women. 

It may be a factor in her insecurities so important to know. The previous suggestions are excellent - make your compliments specific to something unique about her. Not too frequently, time it properly and it will mean more to her. 

Be careful not to make admiring comments about the appearance of other women in her presence. Or to make negative comments. 

You are of course free to admire the female form but be discrete. Think of it as a silent way of reassuring her that she is beautiful to you.


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

There's nothing you can do to raise your wife's self-esteem. Its internal. Unless she believes that she is beautiful and amazing within herself, nothing you say or do will make her view herself that way.

That being said, the suggestions the other ladies gave are great ways for you to show her that YOU sincerely do find her beautiful, regardless of how she feels about herself. Just understand that if you give her a genuine compliment and she doesn't accept it, it's not your fault.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Thound said:


> Ladies, what can I do to raise my wife's self esteem? She doesn't realize how beautiful she is. Her body is never good enough. Whenever I tell her how beautiful she is i get the feeling she thinks I'm just playing her.


Good self-esteem comes from accomplishments.

You are confusing what YOU consider outer beauty (subjective) as the necessary ingredient to achieving good self-esteem.

If your wife feels that if she were more "beautiful" on the outside that her self-esteem would be better, she is sadly mistaken. This could be why your compliments are not graciously accepted.

If you want to help her raise her self-esteem, compliment her on her accomplishments and/or help her to achieve more accomplishments.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Thound said:


> but what I find her best feature is her soul. She has a warm and tender heart (not so much towards me anymore), but everyone loves her. She is true southern belle.


Then this is what you should compliment her for. The more sincere you are, the more it will be believed.

Plus what Emerald said. Looks are fleeting, subjective and external. I barely care about compliments on how I look. Sometimes I even resent them because this whole culture is obsessed with women's looks and it gets tiring always being compared and measured in this department.


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## BruisedGirl (Apr 4, 2013)

I agree with everyone here.

Self esteem is something she has to build on her own. Mine shifts. At times I'm too sexy for my shirt and at others I don't feel attractive enough. 

Someone stated that accomplishments are the best way for her to grow to love herself and that's so true. I lost a ton of weight at the end of my 15 year marriage and post divorce I was looking good. I felt great because I felt accomplished. The looking good was just a bonus. 

Also, compliments are nice and delivery and timing are everything. When my guy and I are just talking about random things like meal plans or kids' games or whatever and he stops me mid sentence to tell me that I have the most beautiful eyes he's ever seen and the look on his face tells me that he means every second of it, I melt. If he told me I was beautiful a thousand times a day, it wouldn't compare. 

If I say, my thighs are so huge and my guy follows with a graveling over how my thighs are amazing, I hate it. I automatically feel like he's talking to be talking. Your wife may be different though. She may need to be reassured that her problem areas aren't a problem to you.

One thing that is great about my guy is he isn't afraid to be real with me. He too understands that my self esteem is up to me. If I complain about my body, he says then change it baby. Just don't lose x or let y change because I love those areas. If I try a new recipe and it's horrid (rare) he's not going to eat it to spare my feelings. If he doesn't like it, he doesn't like it. Guess what I'm saying is he doesn't allow me to be dependent on him when I really just need to love myself. Nor will he listen to me bash myself. He says it's a huge turn off. That's one thing I don't want to do-turn him off.

ETA: Over complimenting gets boring very fast. Words become weightless and hold no value. Excessive compliments turn me off.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Thound said:


> She does have beautiful eyes, beautiful face, etc, but what I find her best feature is her soul. She has a warm and tender heart (not so much towards me anymore), but everyone loves her. She is true southern belle.


 Then TALK to her about those things. Show her you're paying attention. And brag about her.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

MrsDavey said:


> There's nothing you can do to raise your wife's self-esteem. Its internal. Unless she believes that she is beautiful and amazing within herself, nothing you say or do will make her view herself that way.
> 
> That being said, the suggestions the other ladies gave are great ways for you to show her that YOU sincerely do find her beautiful, regardless of how she feels about herself. Just understand that if you give her a genuine compliment and she doesn't accept it, it's not your fault.


Some of this post... i agree with. However, there are other parts that i disagree with. The wife's self esteem is internal. True. And true, That she needs to believe it herself before she will view herself as beautiful and amazing,.

However....I disagree with the "THere's nothing you can do to raise your wife's self esteem.".

Take for instance the woman that has a slightly low self esteem problem... or lack of strong confidence. If you give her a degrading man, who constantly tells her shes dumb, ugly, dresses like a frump/dump.. etc, contantly belittles her and cuts her down.. She starts believing it and in essence becomes more ugly, frumpy & dumpy to herself. Her self esteem is beat down even further.

Take a similar woman with Slightly low self esteem & lack of confidence. Give her a man who truly "has her back". Who compliments her achievements, who says she is a beautiful person all the time, who tells her he appreciates how she looks when she's dressed up. Who says how beautifully she did her makeup that day... That he's proud of how she holds herself, etc, etc... She starts believing some of it & starts holding herself to a higher value. She becomes more beautiful to herself and to her man. Her self esteem can be improved dramatically in a year... with the right influences/ right man.

A bad man can beat a good woman down... pull her thru the dirt itself, and can influence her to where she thinks she deserves no better. 

A good man, can pull a mediocre woman up.. eventually with time, she thinks maybe, just maybe she's worth all the effort he gives her.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

It may just be me, but I know my husband loves how I look when he stares at me. He just has this look in his eyes like he has to have me. There are no words necessary. Usually, even though I know what he is thinking, I will laugh and say, what? He will smile back and its like the best compliment in the world.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Words don't mean anything, you have to show her.


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