# Guy hits on girlfriend at bar, confrontation ensues



## mw348 (Sep 8, 2014)

My girlfriend and I are playing darts at the bar the other night when a guy friend from her softball team, completely drunk, comes over and starts chatting with her, getting a little too close to her for my tastes. I'm not the jealous type because I want to trust my girlfriend and I'm generally not an insecure person, but I know enough to know this idiot is drunkenly hitting on her (even after she introduced us, making it even more disrespectful). At first I'm thinking, fine, whatever, she can fight for her own battles, I'm just trying to concentrate on our dart game. My girlfriend knows what's happening and is unsuccessful getting him to leave us alone, so I calmly say, "We're in the middle of a dart game, do you mind leaving us alone." He leaves.

He returns about 20 minutes later and asks my girlfriend to take a picture of him and one of his drunken buddies, right up in her space. She tries to deflect but he continues to bother her, and then he inquires why she is being mean. It's at this point where I blow up and call him a few derogatory names and tell him to "get the **** outta here" and "leave her alone" or else he's getting punched. He feigns innocence for a minute (typical tactic by someone who knows he was being a jerk, I've seen it before) until he knows I'm being really serious. He finally leaves. 

So, I have a few questions:

1 - Did I overreact? I know some of you might be thinking what he said to her initially, and to be honest it was loud enough that I couldn't make it out, but his facial expressions and his close proximity to her (he was literally inches from her face) made me believe it wasn't good, and the fact that my girlfriend was a little flustered kind of sealed it for me. She even apologized about it after he left the first time without clarifying what he said.

2 - My girlfriend plays softball with this jerk, and I'm a little uncomfortable she's been around this guy for months (I'm 100% confident she's never cheated, but who knows what he's tried to pull in the past or will pull in the future?). There are a couple other guys on this team I'm suspicious about--my girlfriend and I have had discussions about this in the past, and I can't help but wonder why she wants to play for a team that's comprised of alcoholic fratty-types who practically live at bars. 

I've been thinking about this for a couple days and I'm even questioning her character a bit for wanting to play on a softball team with these type of people (on a related note, I do think we as a couple hang out at bars way too often). Am I being unreasonable or do my concerns have some validity to them?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I don't think you are over reacting and frankly I would hang out somewhere else.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

I don't blame you. I don't know how old you are, but there comes a point when you just want to grow up and branch out from these kind of people.

If she wasn't able to shut the guy down, hard, then you did what you needed to do. I would talk to her about the kind of people she hangs out with.

She should have volunteered the info about what the guy said to her. 

BTW, don't say you're 100% confident.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Your issue is........being in a bar around drunk/careless people.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I do not think you overreacted. She attempted to send him on his way. He was persistent. In short, she needed your help in showing this guy the door. However, staying cool, calm and collected should be your first response to the drunken perp. If that does not work then let it escalate.

And yes, some people just do not give up the frat party mentality. The day I graduated college was the day I moved on from that type of activity. I recommend you two do the same.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

How did your girlfriend react to you after the fact? Not what did she say, how was her behavior? 

Do I think you overreacted....definitely not. You handled it how these things should be handled.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. You gave the guy a warning shot across the bow and it didn't work. Not to mention that she was uncomfortable with him getting a bit too close so, you let him have it.

You didn't hit the guy but you let him know that it's time to back off. Problem is you can't be rational and reason with a drunk.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Dude was drunk. Your girl is probably hot. It happens.

You reacted well within the allowable limits in the Man Handbook.

Carry on.


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## mw348 (Sep 8, 2014)

Dad&Hubby said:


> How did your girlfriend react to you after the fact? Not what did she say, how was her behavior?
> 
> Do I think you overreacted....definitely not. You handled it how these things should be handled.


She was supportive of my actions. The problem is, I feel she wants to wrap this incident up and put a nice a little bow on it and continue playing on a softball team with this jerk and pretend as if nothing happened. I just wonder if this guy has made moves before (I mean we probably know the answer is yes) and why she puts herself in this situation.

I wonder how she'll smooth this incident over with her team, because I'm sure they will all find out about it. Heck, some of the teammates were probably there.

There's a small part of me that thinks she might throw me under the bus a bit just to smooth things over with her team, if she needs too.

I have already let her know we are never going to that establishment again. 

If I were doing some type of recreational activity where a girl was hitting on me and I continued doing said activity, you can damn well be sure she would have problems with it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mw348 said:


> There's a small part of me that thinks she might throw me under the bus a bit just to smooth things over with her team, if she needs to.


So tell her that. If you want a real relationship with her, you should be able to be 100% honest.


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## Bridge (Dec 27, 2013)

I wouldn't worry about her playing on that team. I would worry about her boundaries and if she's able to deal with these guys all on her own. Getting flustered or gently trying to nice guys off isn't a clear message and if she wants to play with them she needs to be firm and assertive that he can't aggressively hit on her in front of her man. Or ever for that matter!

I don't think you were wrong to step in, it would just be better if she didn't need you to do that because you can't always be around.

It's hard for women. If you have half a heart you want to be pragmatic about it so I'm not really blaming her and I don't think she's a cheat. Speaking up for yourself, without getting called a b****, can be difficult. But her relationship with you should be more important than her being cool with him.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK there are a couple of things here (although more info is required to say definitely):

With regard to how you treated [email protected], you absolutely did the right thing. Not advisable, but my general belief is that frat boys often need a good slapping every now and then (but lets just say that is my opinion and you handled it far better than I would have).

Under normal circumstances, your sex rank should have shot through the roof with your gf as a result of what you did.

Now here is where the extra info is needed (and others have asked this too):

What's the deal with her and this softball team ? Why this team ? Was she already in this team before you started dating ? Is it possible that there are other non jerk-off guys in this team that she actually gets on with and who don't necessarily agree with the [email protected]'s behaviour ? It might be that there are others who actually support what you did (maybe not the ones in the bar but on the team).

And most importantly, and the biggest issue you must address is why your gut is telling you that she might throw you under the bus to smooth things over with the team. This implies that the team is full of idiots and more importantly, the team is more important to her than you!!!


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Do you go to her softball games? Perhaps you ought to drop in on the next one? And does the team hang out after the games? If you can't go to a game perhaps you ought to meet her at the hang-out spot?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You did good.

Let her play softball; remember that dating is a trial run for marriage so you can do proper mate selection.

If she wants to go hang out with drunken frat boys, you know where her head space is at right now... give her a few months to figure out what she wants and come to that conclusion on her own.

If she chooses to settle down a bit, great, if not let her go.

If you make her choose and she chooses you, ten years down the road and you have kids she might start it up again, and then you'll hear all about how controlling/insecure you were that you wouldn't even let her play softball.

When you push on behavior you don't want your mate to do, it's like a balloon. It just pokes out somewhere else.

You did your job. Let her do hers. If she doesn't, move on.


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## mw348 (Sep 8, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> Now here is where the extra info is needed (and others have asked this too):
> 
> What's the deal with her and this softball team ? Why this team ? Was she already in this team before you started dating ? Is it possible that there are other non jerk-off guys in this team that she actually gets on with and who don't necessarily agree with the [email protected]'s behaviour ? It might be that there are others who actually support what you did (maybe not the ones in the bar but on the team).
> 
> And most importantly, and the biggest issue you must address is why your gut is telling you that she might throw you under the bus to smooth things over with the team. This implies that the team is full of idiots and more importantly, the team is more important to her than you!!!


She has played on this team for about 5 years (we've been dating for 3). Players have come and gone over the years. I've met a few of the guys and girls and some of them are fine. Others I don't care for so much for the reasons I've stated. In general, the frat-house like mentality of the team is the reason I don't go to the games. I'm over that stuff.

She doesn't hang out with them at the bar afterward.

She actually wanted me to play on this year's team, but between work and other sports (I'm a runner), I declined.

I think she remains on this team because she's been on it for a long time and doesn't want to go through the trouble of organizing or finding another team.

I guess my biggest issue is why she continues to play on this particular team when she knows it bothers me a little bit (a similar situation occurred about 2 years ago). I would love nothing more than for her to be off that team, but I'm not about to make ultimatums to her because that won't end well. OTOH, I feel like I've made concessions to her in the past for the betterment of our relationship. 

As for her "throwing me under the bus," maybe that's too strong of a term, but she loves softball so much and just doesn't have the desire to organize another team, and considering this incident will be a topic of conversation among her teammates, she'll have to say something to smooth things over. She might just say I was in a bad mood (or say I had too much to drink, when in reality I hadn't finished my first beer) and hope that suffices.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

mw348 said:


> I guess my biggest issue is why she continues to play on this particular team when she knows it bothers me a little bit (a similar situation occurred about 2 years ago).


I'll tell you why she continues to play on this team: because she _wants_ to.

Why she wants to, I'll leave to you. What you said (she doesn't want to find another team) rings pretty hollow to me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

As I said, tell her how you feel.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tell her how you feel. But also tell her that you are not her boss, you cannot and do not want to control her. But she needs to understand that if she continues on with this team, you will have to make some decisions for yourself if the situation continues to be uncomfortable.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Just remember that these people will be much different when playing softball compared to being drunk out at a bar. They might be nice people who are good at playing softball while out on the sports field. She didn't seek the interaction, he sought her out, so try not to blame her for the actions of someone she's acquainted with but has no control over.

I think you did a good thing in making him leave her alone. A younger woman sometimes has difficulty in sticking up for herself where pushy drunk males are concerned. They are like time bombs, you're never quite sure if telling them to back off won't suddenly turn them mean. Lacking confidence and suffering embarrassment, I can see she was probably feeling rather powerless.

I do think that hanging around bars increases your chances of finding trouble a great deal. A guy with a girl is inviting fights with other males every time he does it imo. If I were you, I'd find other things to do.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Let her keep playing. Obviously she plays because she likes it, not to hang out with all these guys. You handled the situation at the bar just fine, but I think that you are now overthinking things a little. Trust her to be a big girl, she was deflecting the guy, remember?


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

You stood up for her in the bar. Kudos. But don't question her integrity over the actions of others.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

GA HEART said:


> You stood up for her in the bar. Kudos. But don't question her integrity over the actions of others.


Yes. This so much. I'm not as eloquent as the TAMers. 

OP - trust her until she gives you a reason not to.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

join the team. she will be glad you want to spend time with her plus you can keep an eye on things.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...what other kinds of activities are you and your girl discussing getting involved in?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> join the team. she will be glad you want to spend time with her plus you can keep an eye on things.


Best suggestion yet.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

turnera said:


> Best suggestion yet.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I agree with the others. 

I also think trying to get her to quit her team just appears like insecurity on your part, and not a little controlling. I wouldn't react well to that sort of demand from a partner. If he had reasonable concerns, fair enough, but you are partly responsible for having the problem due to the places you frequent with her.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Reads like a B/GNO thread. I think you are ready for a relationship, and she is not. She doesn't want to lose you because she isn't sure about this other guy yet. She doesn't want to be alone. She or nearly any woman can shut a man down if she wants. Some small part of her didn't want to do that. I think you did the right thing for yourself and to show you care about the safety and security of a woman who is with you.

I think you should look for someone whose thinking is more in tune with yours. I don't think she really wants to leave those days behind yet. That's her choice and you must make the best choice for you, no matter how much of a prize she is in your mind.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Reads like a B/GNO thread. I think you are ready for a relationship, and she is not. She doesn't want to lose you because she isn't sure about this other guy yet. She doesn't want to be alone. She or nearly any woman can shut a man down if she wants. Some small part of her didn't want to do that. I think you did the right thing for yourself and to show you care about the safety and security of a woman who is with you.
> 
> I think you should look for someone whose thinking is more in tune with yours. I don't think she really wants to leave those days behind yet. That's her choice and you must make the best choice for you, no matter how much of a prize she is in your mind.


Sorry, but I think this is WAY OFF of this situation. She did not seem to be enjoying or welcoming this drunken display...just because she didnt throw a drink in his face doesnt mean she is into him.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Sorry, but I think this is WAY OFF of this situation. She did not seem to be enjoying or welcoming this drunken display...just because she didnt throw a drink in his face doesnt mean she is into him.


I hope you're right. Your strong response made me stop and think that maybe I was closer than I even imagined. 

Sorry, it's likely he's been thinking about her for some time. They likely have been talking, unless mw348 thinks he is just giving it a shot from the hip, so to speak. 

Men will do that. I'd like to think in most cases, the man sees something that looks like a ***** in the armor. 

Seems as though she is likely athletically built and young. I don't think that was related. Most good looking women have been hit on since they were in their teens, by other teenage boys, I'd guess. 

You still think I'm way off? Okay.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Girl plays sport. Girl goes with her BF to a bar and other people are there, some are drunk, shock horror.
Girl gets hit on by drunk guy, it happens everyday. Girl tries to get rid of drunk guy. Girl has asked her BF to play on the team with her.

Why is she the bad person here to some of you? She has to be monitored, sat down and spoken too, kept an eye on.

Paranoia reigns supreme. She did nothing wrong, she is allowed to enjoy her sport and be out at bars. She has to learn to live in the world without being monitored. She is not out to cheat just because some guy gets drunk and is hitting on her.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Holland said:


> Girl plays sport. Girl goes with her BF to a bar and other people are there, some are drunk, shock horror.
> Girl gets hit on by drunk guy, it happens everyday. Girl tries to get rid of drunk guy. Girl has asked her BF to play on the team with her.
> 
> Why is she the bad person here to some of you? She has to be monitored, sat down and spoken too, kept an eye on.
> ...




If it was just some random guy, well, that's different. She likely would have shut him down immediately. I don't think you give her enough credit for knowing about life. It's likely some random guy would not have been so persistent. They usually aren't when they don't know the couple. 

It wasn't some random guy.

She wouldn't be cheating. They aren't married. They are dating. They have no real obligation to each other.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You did great marking your territory. Was a stand up move and your gf will respect you for it.

Drunk guys are going to hit on her at a bar regardless of whether she is on the team. 

I wouldn't make her quit the team, she has played for years and clearly enjoys it. I assume it's co-ed / she's not the only girl right? She's given you no reason not to trust her. Making her quit the team will work against you.

Love the suggestion of you joining the team.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

2ntnuf said:


> If it was just some random guy, well, that's different. She likely would have shut him down immediately. I don't think you give her enough credit for knowing about life. It's likely some random guy would not have been so persistent. They usually aren't when they don't know the couple.
> 
> It wasn't some random guy.
> 
> She wouldn't be cheating. They aren't married. They are dating. They have no real obligation to each other.


I think you're over thinking it a bit. But I agree with the cheating thing. They seem to be just dating at this point. Doesn't seem that serious to me.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Yes, I think some are projecting a bit much here. 

OP, YOU were at the bar, so you either enjoy the atmosphere too or begrudgingly went with her....but I didn't gather that from you. Seems you enjoy the social aspect too, which is fine. You mentioned before that she doesn't hang out with this particular crowd after practices or games, which means she doesn't want to. But she went to this particular location with you because she wanted to. That in itself should speak volumes.

Being social isn't a crime. Bars are not the devil. Having different interests and activites isn't wrong. Actually coming into contact with the opposite sex (GASP) isn't an automatic evil. Not every person on the planet cheats.


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## OnlyQueen (Oct 19, 2013)

It wasn't an overreaction at all. Your gf was trying to tell him to leave and then you simply stepped up and first told him nicely to to back off. When he then returned and wasn't taking no for an answer, this is when he really needed to be told off.

Frat guys like him need to be send to hell to finally get the message.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I think your actions were fine, but your girlfriend's were not. I play on a coed soccer team, and no way would any of my teammates treat me that way.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I think you are right to be suspicious of this. This wasn't a random guy. Yes, he was drunk, but he was also persistant. I think it is reasonable to believe he had some basis to think that your GF might be interested in him.

In general, if you are in a serious relationship, your significant other should not be spending lots of social time with people of the opposite sex without you being present. Doing so implies that she is available.

The problem is, asking her to drop off the team makes you look weak. She should know enough not to do this sort of thing. The fact that she doesn't do it on her own---especially after a pretty blatant incident like this--- is a big signal. 

If I were you, I would join some type of co-ed group of my own (maybe running, since you like that). Show her you can hang out socially with other women. If she is serious about you, she will probably get the message without you having to ask.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Put it this way..

If it were me and some guy was hitting on me hard..he wasn't getting the hint..I'd absolutely welcome my man stepping in and telling this guy to take a hike.

If I was playing softball with this jerk, I'd expect an apology from him for the way he acted or I wouldn't be having anything to do with him. I also wouldn't be going to hang out with my team when this guy was present without you there.

Thing is, depending on your age, it's always fun to hang out with the team after a game, but again, if it were me, I'd be damned sure you were there to take care of business should this guy get out of line again.

Better yet, I'd probably give the guy a piece of my mind the next time I saw him anyway if he didn't apologize first and it would go something like this, "If you EVER pull that kinda crap AGAIN...I'll take your nuts and wrap them around your molars...TWICE!!"


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

2ntnuf said:


> Men will do that. I'd like to think in most cases, the man sees something that looks like a ***** in the armor.


Yep, and his actions that night are pretty much a part of the gameplan.

He's attracted to her. She may be very friendly/nice with him while playing softball. He may give her compliments or whatever on occasion. He may have even hit on her while sober, to which she did not react in abject horror. All of these things make him think he's got an "in".

Next step is to see how she reacts in front of the BF, and more importantly, how the BF reacts to his girl being hit on in front of him.

Pretty standard fare for guys like this who pretty much just want to add another notch to their belt. It's all part of the alpha game. I think there's probably an entire chapter in the D-Bag manual for how to steal another man's woman.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

mw348 said:


> She has played on this team for about 5 years (we've been dating for 3). Players have come and gone over the years. I've met a few of the guys and girls and some of them are fine. Others I don't care for so much for the reasons I've stated. In general, the frat-house like mentality of the team is the reason I don't go to the games. I'm over that stuff.
> 
> She doesn't hang out with them at the bar afterward.
> 
> ...


So she loves softball, and has been on a team for several years. She doesn't hang out at the bar afterwards. She's asked you to join the team.

I wouldn't worry about HER.

As a guy who plays a lot of organized team sports, let me tell you that the character of one or two of your teammates is not usually enough to want to give up your spot. It's also not all that easy to find another team (or start up another team yourself) that can compare to one you're on that is good, or otherwise fun.

Furthermore, she is a woman, presumably young and attractive. She will get hit on no matter where she goes, and quite likely on any other co-ed softball team. She will get hit on at work, at the mall, walking down the street. She'll get hit on while by herself, with her friends, and even with you. You can't stop it from happening. Neither can she.

If she enjoys the softball team she's on, then don't force her to make a choice. The choice is hers to make. If this continues, then maybe she will leave on her own and find another team. Maybe she already knows that no matter what softball team she's on, there's always going to be "that guy", and all she wants to do is play softball.

My advice: join the damn team. Not only will it help with this type of situation, but it's also one more thing you two can share together. Only good can come of it.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

mw348 said:


> I know some of you might be thinking what he said to her initially, and to be honest it was loud enough that I couldn't make it out, but his facial expressions and his close proximity to her (he was literally inches from her face) made me believe it wasn't good, and the fact that my girlfriend was a little flustered kind of sealed it for me. She even apologized about it after he left the first time without clarifying what he said.
> 
> 2 - My girlfriend plays softball with this jerk, and I'm a little uncomfortable she's been around this guy for months (I'm 100% confident she's never cheated, but who knows what he's tried to pull in the past or will pull in the future?). There are a couple other guys on this team I'm suspicious about--my girlfriend and I have had discussions about this in the past, and I can't help but wonder why she wants to play for a team that's comprised of alcoholic fratty-types who practically live at bars.
> 
> I've been thinking about this for a couple days and I'm even questioning her character a bit for wanting to play on a softball team with these type of people (on a related note, I do think we as a couple hang out at bars way too often). Am I being unreasonable or do my concerns have some validity to them?


The facts are one thing,

The Gut Feeling is another.

Hundreds of threads learn you need to get rid of THIS gut feeling. One way or another.

It looks to me you two are not compatible as far as maturity is regarded..


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

See_Listen_Love said:


> The facts are one thing,
> 
> The Gut Feeling is another.
> 
> ...


I never thought of it from this perspective until you broke it down like that. Now I agree.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

I like the suggestion that OP join his woman's softball team. It will send a clear message that whatever interests she has, he will find them interesting, too. Women absolutely LOVE guys who drop their own hobbies and turn into puppy dogs!

OP, you probably don't realize it, but you are ALREADY in a co-ed sport with your girlfriend. You're in the first rounds of a game called

"Let's you and him fight."

The drunk guy that your girlfriend hates being around so much that she sees him a couple nights a week backed down this time.

But you're in the early rounds of play. Give it time, and your girlfriend will find a suitor made of sterner stuff, and then it will be GAME ON!

You've been with her for 3 years, so according to the sunk cost fallacy, she is now worth a couple of beatdowns, and they're up ahead of you on the tracks of life.

You might want to consider saving yourself some drama and B.S. and finding yourself a better woman.


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