# EA has turned physical.



## heavenleigh (Sep 13, 2010)

I haven't been on here in a while, but I wanted to ask a question. I know 2 wrongs don't make a right, but it sure made me feel better...am I really a horrible person? My emotional affair has actually turned into a physical one. I am just so hurt by my husband. I finally got a hold of his cell phone bill and it was unbelievable. For him saying he only talked to this "friend" of his once in a while...it turns out it was an everday occurence. He would call me and talk to me for 2 minutes and turn around and talk to her for 30. It was really heart crushing to me. I know he has done more with her than what he says. He actually called her one night in front of me and said he was coming to spend the night. Of course, that did not go well, but I actually did not blow up. Just went to bed. He never left, but I just have nothing to say to him anymore. He has crushed my feelings for him and I don't think I will ever get them back. Well anyways I have cried over him so much and just wanted to be held by someone that I met up with my EA mostly just to be held, but of course it ended going a little further than that. The real sad thing about is I feel no guilt whatsoever. I guess this really does show that there are no feelings between us anymore and I guess I need to accept that and move on. Thanks for reading. I really needed to get this out.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

What a mess! Just get a divorce. BOTH of you have serious issues and have no business being in a committed relationship like marriage.


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## psionivy (Apr 4, 2011)

I can understand your pain and the need to feel loved-no matter whom does the loving. I would say if your feelings are so far gone and he was as blantent to call her in front of you that this man has little to no respect for you and maybe you should consider leaving- if anything it may give him a wake up call. Just pack a bag and leave to a hotel for a few days don't call him or answer him if he calls and see if he misses you-


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Here... you have some of them covered but you'll need to fall back on a few others when you start feeling some responsibilty for making the choices you made... 

GENERAL RATIONALIZATIONS:

•Our marriage was over long before I cheated.
•We're not like we used to be.
•I don't love you anymore.
•We've never been right for each other.
•I feel trapped.
•I never wanted to get married.
•I don't want to live like this.
•I love you like a sister/brother.
•I thought you didn't love me anymore.
•You left me before I left you.
•I was never in love with you.
•It doesn't mean anything.
•It just happened.
•He/She has an unhappy marriage, and I was filling an emotional void in his/her life.
•We were just friends.

FOCUS ON THE FACT THAT ITS ALL HIS FAULT YOU ARE NOW THIS PERSON: 

•I've told you for years why I was unhappy, but you decided to not do anything about it.
•You work too much.
•I thought you would change.
•You don't listen to me.
•You aren't good in bed.
•You don't give me any attention.
•I'm tired of having to do everything around here.
•You don't need me anymore.
•You put on too much weight/look different.
•You pressured me too much for sex so it wasn't fun with you anymore.
•You were never really there for me when I needed you.

EVENTUALLY the guilt may seap in if you have a soul left in you in which case you will want to generate pity, and feel sorry for yourself... THese ALL MY FAULT statements should do the trick:

•I never cheated before but something just snapped.
•You hurt me so bad, I needed attention and it just happened
•I have issues. I just felt so alone. 
•I don't why why I did it. It wasn't planned.
•I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for years.
•I never meant to hurt you.
•I couldn't help myself. 

Ohhhhh....

To answer your question... Yes, bad decision. No, not justified. Yes, disgusting and dirty. 

But, who could blame you? If not for what he did to you... you would have never been forced to spread your legs and get filled by the neighboor.


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## heavenleigh (Sep 13, 2010)

Thanks psion ivy...at least you understand how I feel. I know a lot of this is my fault...never said it wasn't. As far as spreading my legs...I didn't say it went that far. I just needed some attention and affection. I haven't felt loved or even liked in a long time, so forgive me if I needed to feel loved and wanted. I am only human I guess.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

heavenleigh said:


> I just needed some attention and affection. I haven't felt loved or even liked in a long time, so forgive me if I needed to feel loved and wanted. I am only human I guess.


Then leave. Maintain your values and be the person that deserves the quality love and companionship that you so desperately desire.

You deserved much better than he was giving you, and could never have deserved to be betrayed like that. So, you paid him back. Now, you are no different than he is. High price to pay for some attention. 

and so.... the cycle rolls on... 

You decided to be "only" human... You will attract your matching piece... someone else that is "only" human.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

heavenleigh said:


> He actually called her one night in front of me and said he was coming to spend the night.


Leave. There is no respect in your marriage anymore.

You both f-cked up by cheating on eachother. 

If he is calling her right in front of you, it's time to move on.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

What he did to you was wrong but, you made a bad choice as well. For him to call the OW in front of you, well, that had to be awful. A bad situation was made worse by your reaction but, only the two of you can decide if there is anything to salvage. My thoughts are with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heavenleigh (Sep 13, 2010)

Thank you pidge. I really need a little support right now.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

this is to P.O.S.

good bullets man. u should keep and link this work to many
threads here at TAM as folks go all over the map with weak
responses that dont cover squat.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I remember following your situation months ago.
If you haven't made any progress with your husband by now, it's time to split up.
I don't agree with what you did, either, but I understand. Good Luck HL, I wish you the best.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey H---what you are doing is putting yourself on his level

You don't need to do that to end your misery---get a D., and you can do as you please with as many different men as you want, and no one will care

If you stay married and cheat---you are just as bad as your H.

Do you maybe consider what you are doing to be an exit A.

Whatever you do---stop messing around, do things the right way--get your D., and move on with your head held high, that you were better than your cheating H.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Get out of the affair , this is going to hurt everybody around you, having a f&@kbuddy is demeaning to you and your family. As for the OM he must be a proud, decent man to go skulking around a married woman all to satisfy his emotional and sexual lust in the name of comforting you. Dump him and never speak to him again thereafter focus on your husband and decide if you stay married or go your separate ways.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I agree. End it with OM immediately.

Your husband is still in contact with OW. You cannot at all save a marriage when a third party is involved.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Well he's not retarded so I don't think he thinks he's being clever. So that leaves only 'dirtbag'. When you're out as a couple does he introduce you as 'she's mine but you can do her if you want.'?


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"I just needed some attention and affection."- Good grief.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I need attention and affection too.. I haven't gotten that from my H in years.. Haven't cheated yet.. I just have a BOB and an endless supply of batteries.. problem solved  ... wait.. is that considered cheating? i just outted myself eh?

*makes note to buy stock in batteries*


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

hmmmm......

that lily avatar is starting to look curiouser & curiouser

when u mention batteries, bob, et al things.

hmmm.........


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

hahaha  calla lily's are my fav flower.. but now that you mention it.. maybe im due an avi change lol


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Georgia O'Keefe fan, are we?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

LOL this thread took a whole different direction. Heaven, there is no doubt what you and your husband did was wrong, hands down. I too at some point and time felt justified, but it was a horribly incorrect thing for me to do. My husband still feels justified at what he did, he has no remorse at this point. In the state of mind you are in, it's gonna stay that way until you cut off contact with this guy and get out of the fog. I get the feelings of wanting affection and stuff, right now I am getting none of my needs met, because my husband is currently still in the fog, but I won't stoop down to start up again with the OM or anyone ever again. Mine stepped out, then I did, then he did again, and then again, no justification whatsoever. I can't believe that the person that I know I am allowed myself to get to that level. You are not in a good place right now.

Stop this immediately, you will thank yourself at some point and time, as for your H, you can't stop him from behaving the way he is. Stop what you are doing, decide if you want in or out, and then go from there. You want out, divorce, don't cheat again, you want in, do what you can to end the affair and if it doesn't work or he ultimately decides he's not on board, go from there. You are correct that two wrongs don't make a right.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

paramore said:


> You want out, divorce, don't cheat again, you want in, do what you can to end the affair and if it doesn't work or he ultimately decides he's not on board, go from there. You are correct that two wrongs don't make a right.


Perfect post, Para!


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

danke lol, all this education I get here, maybe I should be a marriage counseler hahaha.


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## heavenleigh (Sep 13, 2010)

Thanks Paramore. People come here for advice and I know when you open yourself up in a forum, you are always going to get all kinds of advice, but I really don't understand why people have to be sarcastic. I am glad there are a few people in here, like yourself, who have the decency to at least try to understand where the poster is coming from, and I am going to take your advice...end the EA/PA and try to work on things from there. I don't think it will do much good on his side, but I have no control over him, just myself. We have been together for over 25 years, so I guess I really need to decide what I want. Thanks to all who actually try to help the poster and not degrade them. I really appreciate it and I am sure others feel the same way.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

heavenleigh said:


> Thanks Paramore. People come here for advice and I know when you open yourself up in a forum, you are always going to get all kinds of advice, but I really don't understand why people have to be sarcastic. I am glad there are a few people in here, like yourself, who have the decency to at least try to understand where the poster is coming from, and I am going to take your advice...end the EA/PA and try to work on things from there. I don't think it will do much good on his side, but I have no control over him, just myself. We have been together for over 25 years, so I guess I really need to decide what I want. Thanks to all who actually try to help the poster and not degrade them. I really appreciate it and I am sure others feel the same way.


You're right, HL. The only person that you can control to do better or worse is you. Take this mistake as a lesson learned and don't stoop to his level anymore. Like I told you, I can understand why this ended up happening as I have followed your story from the beginning.
Take care, and be good to yourself first.
DF


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Heavenleigh, you have to remember that the majority of people in this forum have been the loyal spouses in their relationships. This will understandably colour their responses.

If it helps, I'm on your side of the infidelity scoresheet, and I strongly believe that the best way to figure out what you want or need to do is with a clear head. This means ending things with the OM, and spending time deciding if your marriage is worth saving.

In my case, I also felt little guilt over my affair. I raised this with my counselor, and his response was that to me, my marriage had been over for awhile already, and I had already gone through the grieving process for it. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heavenleigh (Sep 13, 2010)

Well to all of you who thought I was wrong for what I did...I say I am glad I did it and wished I would have actually slept with him. I got a call from the OW this morning and she wanted to come over and have a little chat....so I let her. Well, that brought things to a whole new light..because did he not only sleep with her...it was too many times to count plus a trip that was for "guys" only turned out that was his and her getaway. I am totally flabbergasted. I knew he was doing some stuff, but all this floored me. The only thing I regret like I said in the beginning was not actually sleeping with OM, because I might be a vindictive b*tch, but it would have made me feel a whole lot better...just sayin'


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

You think it would have made you feel better? Wow
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Christina Garabedian (Apr 29, 2011)

It's crazy what we put up, he just harm ourselves over and over again. You have to ask yourself why you are still in the marriage. Are you comfortable where you are at now? Does making a change in your life scare you? You have to look at the reasons why you continue on with this. 

When you wake up in the morning have a new positive outlook on life. What's done is done, decide that today you will move out of this toxic relationship. Do not feed into him, do not even acknowledge him or let him get you down. Today you are going to change and focus on your future. If you have family around that is supportive then get out. No need to waste another day of your life on something that is not going to work. It's just a sick, twisted game at this point. Suck it up and stay with somebody if you can't afford to get out. In the long run in will be an experience in life in which you have just learned another lesson. Do not dwell, just do it.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

heavenleigh said:


> Thanks Paramore. People come here for advice and I know when you open yourself up in a forum, you are always going to get all kinds of advice, but I really don't understand why people have to be sarcastic. I am glad there are a few people in here, like yourself, who have the decency to at least try to understand where the poster is coming from.


If you haven't noticed already, we are all betrayed spouses here, just like you. You're not the only betrayed spouse who had the opportunity to have a so called revenge affair. Some did - Paramore and some did not. The difference is that unlike you, Paramore does not have the 'chip on her shoulder' attitude you posses in that her affair was justified because of her cheating husband's affairs.



> Well to all of you who thought I was wrong for what I did...I say I am glad I did it and wished I would have actually slept with him. I got a call from the OW this morning and she wanted to come over and have a little chat....so I let her. Well, that brought things to a whole new light..because did he not only sleep with her...it was too many times to count plus a trip that was for "guys" only turned out that was his and her getaway. I am totally flabbergasted. I knew he was doing some stuff, but all this floored me. The only thing I regret like I said in the beginning was not actually sleeping with OM, because I might be a vindictive b*tch, but it would have made me feel a whole lot better...just sayin'


If telling you the unvarnished truth - in a succinct fashion -that both of you are lacking to be in a committed relationship like marriage is being sarcastic - and more so with hypocritical comments like the one above - then I stand guilty as charged.

Be glad you're a woman for if you had been a husband posting this, the replies you would have received - from some - would have been much harsher.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Whether she regrets it or not is her choice. 

I don't think her marriage is healthy. He is still carrying on with OW and even right in front of her.

Heaven, what are you going to do?

I still maintain that involving third parties isn't the answer. Deal with your marriage first and then work your way from that.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"I need attention and affection too.. I haven't gotten that from my H in years.. Haven't cheated yet.."- exactly my point Lilyana.

If your happy with what you did, then why are you here. It should be easy for you now. Just tell him that you want an open marriage already, so you two guys can go screw other people whenever you get mad at each other.


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## jem5 (Feb 6, 2011)

Totally understand the loss of emotions! You might still love ur husband but not be in love with or respect him (which is understandable). The marriage might be done but have you told him about your trist??


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## heavenleigh (Sep 13, 2010)

The OW called me and wanted some answers and knew I needed answers so she came to see me. He was there...not happy but there. I held my composure. Eveyone said how did you not want to hurt her and I said he is the one who is married ...she isn't, so why blame her. She was hurt in this as much as I was plus her 2 children. He was leading her on and never intended on leaving me. This has been going on for over a year. I do love him and always will. We have been married for 27 years. My husband and I sat down and had a long talk. He told me he didn't want anyone else, but after 20 years of not feeling loved, he finally stepped out. I do take some of the blame. He has told me before that I need to initiate sex and I never would. He told me that if I had made him feel loved, this would have never happened. I might be a fool but I truly believe him. This is not the first time he had told me this. He had told me many times, and I guess I just wasn't listening. I have some issues from childhood that I am sure most of you can guess why I have a hard time showing affection, and now it may have cost me my marriage. He says he doesn't want her that he only wants me and always did and is so sorry for hurting me, and I truly believe him. He doesn't show emotion very often, so when he was crying it really got to me. Also, his mom passed away last month, so it has been a hard time for him. I just don't know what to do now. I want to save this marriage because we just have to much at stake to lose everything. As far as the OM goes...I am done. I have had enough lies and betrayal for a lifetime, and out of anger I did tell my husband what I did. I guess I just wanted him to hurt like I did. Does anyone out there think this marriage can work?


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## Gandam (Apr 26, 2011)

Im sorry im lost here, what Did you do exactly with OM or the guy you met?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

heavenleigh said:


> He told me he didn't want anyone else, but after 20 years of not feeling loved, he finally stepped out. I do take some of the blame. He has told me before that I need to initiate sex and I never would. *He told me that if I had made him feel loved, this would have never happened.* I might be a fool but I truly believe him. This is not the first time he had told me this. He had told me many times, and I guess I just wasn't listening.


What a bunch of BS. If he was so unhappy why didn't he try to ask you to go with him to MC? And IF he did ask - and you brushed it off - why didn't he simply filed for divorce?

Listen up. He's an adult and he - like you - is responsible for his actions. Both of you are responsible for the state of your marriage but - etch this into your head - *he is solely responsible for choosing to have an affair*.



> Does anyone out there think this marriage can work?


Only if the two of you stop blaming the other and express true remorse for your individual actions - affairs. If that's not possible, then the honorable way to go is to end the marriage.

I wish you the best. Good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

heavenleigh said:


> Does anyone out there think this marriage can work?


I think any marriage can work IF both partners are committed to making it work and doing the necessary work for it.

First things first: BOTH OF YOU must stop with OW and OM. NO CONTACT AT ALL.


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## heavenleigh (Sep 13, 2010)

I am willing, but I am unsure if he is...I guess time will tell. Thanks for everyones thoughts and advice.


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