# It's over



## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

Twenty one years to the day of our marriage was D day. She dropped the bomb on me that she wants out. "we have both been unhappy for some time…" Blah blah blah. What a sucky anniversary present.

I asked her this AM if she is done done or would she consider counseling. She says done done. So it is over. And she will take the kids and I will be the bad guy for moving out.

She said she waited to tell me because she was afraid in my mental illness that I could not handle it. I think she is right. The thoughts are starting again. And without her and the kids there is not anything holding me back.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

Don't leave! Get a lawyer. Read about the 180 and the LTR. Is she cheating perhaps?


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

I am sure she is cheating and that is part of what brought on the suicidal thoughts which had me out of work for three months. She and my kids are my life. She has all the signs of a cheater (change in dress, locking phone, stepping away to talk on phone, even the kids last night said she was supposed to be at work but who knows where she is). I am heartbroken. I asked her how much money she would need and she had not thought of that (did she really think that I would just keep paying all her bills and keep giving her my paycheck?)

Looked at some apartments today. Waiting till payday to get my direct deposit changed as I do not want to get a live check. Instead I will get up early and transfer funds out of joint account.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

If you leave she can prove abandonment. Don't leave! Talk to a lawyer.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

State is Florida. Abandonment and Adultery are not considered causes of divorce. And do not weigh in child care, custody, etc. for most cases.

So doing the honorable thing, leaving so that my kids do not have to move, is not going to harm me in court. And frankly I am not sure I will be alive for the divorce court date anyway.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Man you can get through this. I also have mental health problems. I spent some time in a psych ward at the hospital. Have you considered that for yourself? It was boring as hell, but I felt like a new man when I left.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Please remember that your kids need dad. Suicide is all about you, and you don't want your kids to remember you like that. And who knows what their mother will tell them if you're not here to interact with them. Go see doctor now and get some help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whome? (May 17, 2014)

My anniversary is tomorrow. 18 years of ups and downs, affairs and counseling. I always thought divorce was not going to be an option but sometimes for our best we may have to move on. Stay strong.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

lancaster said:


> Man you can get through this. I also have mental health problems. I spent some time in a psych ward at the hospital. Have you considered that for yourself? It was boring as hell, but I felt like a new man when I left.


I have done two rotations at the psych hospital so far this year. And I am on medication. Most days the suicidal thoughts are under control. But this weekend, not so much.

I try to live with "this too shall pass" when they come on, but this time I am having a hard time seeing the other side.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My dad committed suicide. Abandonment of this kind sticks forever. Even when you think kids are resilient or will be better off, they're not. They go through their life thinking there is the scary psych monster that could get them too. You end up being afraid of yourself, of any kind of odd thought that you might have. You wonder if you have this kind of death growing inside you too, that it will get you even if everything seems okay. You end up being afraid of life, when this happens to a parent. Try to stick it out, even if you have to go somewhere and be sedated til you're safe.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

crushedandbroken said:


> I have done two rotations at the psych hospital so far this year. And I am on medication. Most days the suicidal thoughts are under control. But this weekend, not so much.
> 
> I try to live with "this too shall pass" when they come on, but this time I am having a hard time seeing the other side.


I know that saying well. I also use "one day at a time" and "easy does it."

I know how persistent suicidal thoughts can be. I try to remind myself that I can think anything I want, BUT I do not have to act on them.


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## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

I am divorced for 4 months, 2 kids, wife left on the 11th wedding anniversary to "find happiness" and "space". Was already in a new relationship before D was final. I already had some very bleak moments, but feeling in a much better place now. Time does heal if you allow it to. Dont lose hope. Better days ahead. Stay strong for your kids. 

I stayed in the marital home, although the memories are there, you get used to it, and the kids just love being here. The one thing I regret is not having pushed harder for 50/50 custody, and having settled for 30/70.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EasyBakeOven (Apr 26, 2014)

I went through this 4 years ago. DO NOT LEAVE !!!! If the spouse wants to go have hide the donkey with someone else she can hit the road. I won full custody and everything because of her deranged fantasy. DO NOT LEAVE


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

EasyBakeOven said:


> I went through this 4 years ago. DO NOT LEAVE !!!! If the spouse wants to go have hide the donkey with someone else she can hit the road. I won full custody and everything because of her deranged fantasy. DO NOT LEAVE


Proud for you. I, on the other hand will not win full custody. My job takes me out of town about 50 percent of the time. No judge is going to be OK with my kids staying at home alone while I am gone all week.

I just do not get how she can say she loves me but turn right around and say she is "done" done and not even consider counseling. Oh and checked phone company and probably 450 of last 500 texts have been to who I think she is having an affair with and those only in the last 48 hrs.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

In my state, cheating isn't a grounds for divorce either but keep all records b/c it will prove useful for you in court. If I had one thing to do over, it would be to have hired a PI and caught him cheating. You might think that it doesn't effect anything, but that isn't the case when you are sitting in front of a judge so having any sort of evidence is critical.

Please hang in there. I haven't had suicidal thoughts but I have thought that I would do anything to stop this pain. Reach out to anyone that can help you through this time. Your Kids need you .. screw your wife for doing this to you ... but your kids are the only victims here and they need you in their life.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

She actually thinks I am going to keep paying all her bills. UNREAL!!!! Gave me a list of bills that need to be paid this week when I get my paycheck (new tires, rent, phone bill, clothes for DS's graduation). If she thinks I am going to spend all my paycheck on her and not put rent down on apartment then she has another thing coming. I have asked her three times now how much money she needs each month and she replies back asking how much I need.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I have to ask if your job is contributing to the collapse of your marriage? You're gone half the time and that's terrible for a marriage; has your wife ever brought up the travel as an issue? Could cutting back and spending more time with her help? How much quality time could you possibly be spending with your wife if you're gone half the time?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EasyBakeOven (Apr 26, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I have to ask if your job is contributing to the collapse of your marriage? You're gone half the time and that's terrible for a marriage; has your wife ever brought up the travel as an issue? Could cutting back and spending more time with her help? How much quality time could you possibly be spending with your wife if you're gone half the time?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do not give her anything. I mean anything. She is not the person you knew before. Its all about her now. Next you will be called abusive and all other kinds of good stuff.

She is the quitter not you. Nothing will probably help at this point. Show her your a man and she will respect that more than anything.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

EasyBakeOven said:


> Do not give her anything. I mean anything. She is not the person you knew before. Its all about her now. Next you will be called abusive and all other kinds of good stuff.
> 
> She is the quitter not you. Nothing will probably help at this point. Show her your a man and she will respect that more than anything.


:iagree: Glad you are thinking about the future. You owe your wife nothing at this time. She wants out, well she can start looking after herself right now.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Okay, C&B, lets see what we can find, here.

You have trouble with suicidal depression. That's bad.

You have it under control through medication. That's good. 

Its REALLY IMPORTANT that you maintain that. I don't know any other details, and I'm not a Doctor in real life, but if you can, go talk to a Doctor and see about getting better meds to flip the suicidal thoughts out of your head and get you into a positive place mentally.

Your job takes you out of town 50% of the time. That's bad.

You have a job. You are good enough at it that your employer trusts you to take care of business without direct supervision. That's better-than-good.

Without knowing anything else about you, that right there tells me you are a good man, worthy of being treated well, and definitely not someone who needs to end their story by their own hand.

Are you feeling a little bit better about yourself yet? You should be.

So. You are in the midst of a terrible stretch of life, just now. Nothing you can do is going to change that. It's going to suck for awhile. BUT.

BUT.

BUT.

There are things you can do to reduce how bad it is for how long. Each of the following actions will make your situation better for you. Just the act of, well, taking these actions will give you a sense of progress, of DOING SOMETHING.

1) Go see a lawyer. You don't understand your legal situation, and you need to. Do this now. Hell, do it YESTERDAY. You can't make informed decisions if you're not informed. So get get the knowledge you need.

2) In the absence of threats or abuse, do not move out of the house, unless its hurricane season. Oops, sorry. Don't move out of the house unless you gotta.

3) Dammit, where's Weightlifter when you need him. He has this long but awesome post going over not-saying anything and getting VARs and other spy-on-your-spouse-to-gain-valuable-information-on-who-she's-banging type stuff (which, obviously, works equally well for wives with husbands who are straying).

4) Unless you are prepared to file for divorce, contact a Mod and get this thread moved to the Coping With Infidelity section of TAM- you'll get lots more advice on that aspect of things, which is a huge problem.

5) If you are in agreement with your wife that "its over," then seeing that lawyer becomes even more important, because you need to file for divorce in that case.

6) Stop giving her money. Start paying all bills directly so that you know where the money is going. If you have a joint checking account, close it and open up one in your name only. Make a new email account (Gmail, Yahoo) for online contact purposes. Rent a P.O. box as a physical mail address. Cancel any joint credit cards. Pay off any outstanding balances if you can so that they are zero'ed.

She is having an affair. Don't give her money and resources that let her feed the affair.

7) Search TAM for the "180." Read it over and start living it. It will help you compartmentalize your emotions over what is going on.

8) Contact the TAM mods again and get your name changed to something more along the lines of, oh, I don't know, maybe 

You can't crush me and you'll never break me. You will feel your testicles become slightly larger, even as you type in the less crushed or broken new name for yourself.

In my next book..... Haha just kidding, this is long enough already.

Crushedandbroken, I'm sorry you're here. You're looking for help, for a way to ease the pain, and maybe some guidance on the best way out of the dilemma you find yourself in. You're in a good place, in that the very nice group of internet strangers that comprise TAM can help you. 

We seem to do better at shotgunning solutions at you, than we do offering sympathy. But the suggestions work pretty well. You pretty much have sympathy or solutions at your disposal. Which ones you choose to take is up to you.

You're going to make it through this. You may as well get started now!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Don't leave!!! You give her all sorts of advantages in court when you do that. Instead stay and record everything she does against you and the kids. Also start getting negative information about her from friends, past employers, anywhere you can get it.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

I understand the advice to not give her anything. But that really is not an option; we have kids and I do not want them to suffer because their Momma wants to walk away from me. So I will be giving her money. And because I do not want them in the middle of a fight with us, I will be getting an apartment. Do I want this divorce, no. But she said she is "done" done. So she will file and I am seriously thinking that I may challenge the irreconcilable differences to FORCE her to go to counseling. It probably will change nothing, but at least I will be able to say I tried everything I could to stop it.

Today during the day has been fine, but it is sooooo hard at night. I like to end my days on the road by calling her and talking to her and telling her about my day and hearing about hers. But now… In different news she texted today to say ask if I minded if she took the day off Saturday and just had the day to go off, that she really needed time alone. The hurting part of me wanted to say "what the hell does it matter if I want you to go off, you left me, remember". But I did not, just replied "fine". I would love to believe she is having a hard time with her decision to just be done, but a large part of me thinks she is going off with her lover..

I am beyond depressed by this whole thing. I have talked to my therapist and he is checking in with me. I see my PDoc (they do the meds) on Tuesday of next week and hopefully she will give me something to sleep because that just is not happening. I close my eyes and I see my world shattering.


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## EasyBakeOven (Apr 26, 2014)

crushedandbroken said:


> I understand the advice to not give her anything. But that really is not an option; we have kids and I do not want them to suffer because their Momma wants to walk away from me. So I will be giving her money. And because I do not want them in the middle of a fight with us, I will be getting an apartment. Do I want this divorce, no. But she said she is "done" done. So she will file and I am seriously thinking that I may challenge the irreconcilable differences to FORCE her to go to counseling. It probably will change nothing, but at least I will be able to say I tried everything I could to stop it.
> 
> Today during the day has been fine, but it is sooooo hard at night. I like to end my days on the road by calling her and talking to her and telling her about my day and hearing about hers. But now… In different news she texted today to say ask if I minded if she took the day off Saturday and just had the day to go off, that she really needed time alone. The hurting part of me wanted to say "what the hell does it matter if I want you to go off, you left me, remember". But I did not, just replied "fine". I would love to believe she is having a hard time with her decision to just be done, but a large part of me thinks she is going off with her lover..
> 
> I am beyond depressed by this whole thing. I have talked to my therapist and he is checking in with me. I see my PDoc (they do the meds) on Tuesday of next week and hopefully she will give me something to sleep because that just is not happening. I close my eyes and I see my world shattering.


She is not having a hard time. She thinks you are weak.. and you are proving her correct. I was depressed as well but somehow i had to step up to the plate and i did.

My ex told me she wanted the house and live there with our child. I kinda agreed and then went out for a drive. By the time i got back a few hours later my tune had changed. Told her there is the door. Im not leaving. There is not a hope in hell you are taking my child away from me. She moved out and my boy wanted nothing to do with it. It was then considered abandonment on her part. 

Go see your therapist or whatever.. but really dude.. be a man.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

Boy was she pissed. I woke up early and moved a little less than half my check out of joint checking (left her $300 more than I originally planned). She went off because she will have no money after paying what she needs to pay. I told her she is lucky that I am paying her phone bill (it is in my name so do not want it to ding my credit). I think reality is starting to set in a little for her, suddenly she is seeing that her butt is going to have to work more if she wants to keep the lifestyle she had because I will pay money so my kids do not do without but I am not going to go without either.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Crushed... ARE YOU LISTENING TO THE ADVICE GIVEN?

Do NOT leave your house!!!! You are not the one that wants out. She can leave, go live with her lover, get an apartment, whatever, but you should not leave.

Move in to the spare bedroom. There's no reason for "fighting" during this h*llish process of divorcing. If it's over, it's over. Do the 180, minimal contact with her, but be there for your kids.

If you are living there, YOU can provide your kids with what they need. If you give her the money, she will just use it to fund her affair.

Waywards always want what they want. She wants your house, your money, your lifestyle, but she doesn't want YOU. Fine, then let her find a way to have all that on her own. Don't make this easy on her -- where you just "slip away" and she gets to continue her old life with her new lover.

Why would you even consider leaving?


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

crushedandbroken said:


> Boy was she pissed. I woke up early and moved a little less than half my check out of joint checking (left her $300 more than I originally planned). She went off because she will have no money after paying what she needs to pay. I told her she is lucky that I am paying her phone bill (it is in my name so do not want it to ding my credit). I think reality is starting to set in a little for her, suddenly she is seeing that her butt is going to have to work more if she wants to keep the lifestyle she had because I will pay money so my kids do not do without but I am not going to go without either.


C&B, NOW you're starting to sail straight!

It seems that your ego and self-esteem are kicking in and helping out. I think you did great, here.

Some possible next steps for your consideration-

Next paycheck, put $300 LESS (that's a total swing of $600) in the joint account. Block out some time to take your kids to the grocery store and take them shopping. This is a three-fer. You get to spend time with your kids, and don't dismiss it as wasted time, because it is a form of "quality time" all its own. You get to directly provide food for the important people in your life, and you get the peace of mind that goes with knowing how you spent your money. And your domestic partner DOESN'T get to spend the money "as she sees fit." That's an all-around win for you.

Since the phone is in your name, you know you can call the provider and block numbers, don't you? You may be able to turn off service to the phone during "night hours," so you impact communication between spouse and OM. You can also get phone records and text logs, to get a more complete picture of what is going on.

Man, you're doing pretty good, here. Keep your chin up.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

So it has been a few weeks. Figured I would let y'all know an update. I am still to move out on the 7th. Saw a lawyer for a free consultation and was told that in this state that would not affect any judgement. I am doing so much better than I thought I would be able to. Every day I say the serenity prayer and every day I remember that I cannot change her and cannot change what she wants, I can however change how I react to it. I want to be in peace, not an emotional wreck. And it is working.

Kids still do not know, not looking forward to telling them the day BEFORE I move out which is when she wants to tell them. I have started filling out the paperwork myself. OH MY GOODNESS was I shocked not just by how much lawyers want for a retainer but for what the filing fees are here: $450!!!!! I am feeling better about custody, lawyer told me that most of the judges in town have moved to shared custody and suggested asking for 50% custody so that she will accept me getting my kids one week a month and every other weekend. We still have that and so many other things to talk about.

I do not want much of anything from the house. Right now I just want to show her that she cannot break me.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

C&B,

I'm glad you're doing much better, thanks for the update. You DO sound like you have strong resolve and are determined not to let her break your spirit.

I still don't understand though... why are YOU the one leaving the marital residence? Is it just so your kids can stay in the home? Because if YOU stayed in the home (doesn't sound like she can afford it anyway) you would likely get more custody. The judge wants to keep the kids as settled as possible.

Seems like she's the one who wanted out of the marriage, she can leave.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> C&B,
> 
> I still don't understand though... why are YOU the one leaving the marital residence? Is it just so your kids can stay in the home? Because if YOU stayed in the home (doesn't sound like she can afford it anyway) you would likely get more custody. The judge wants to keep the kids as settled as possible.


Basically because I am a gentleman. And I will not @[email protected]#[email protected]$# up my kids lives any more than she is about to do. I have heard a lot of y'all saying she should leave and that I should stay, but I prefer to listen to the advise and take what I want and leave the rest. In this case, telling me to toss her butt out will be ignored because that is not the way I was raised.

I have written up a a parenting plan, hopefully she will be agreeable to it.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

UGGGGHHHH!!!!!!! I am afraid it is about to get ugly. I told her that I wanted the kids a week a month and every other weekend. Put it all in writing. She did not talk to me for a day and a half. Asked her if we are going to talk about it and she said "Not before graduation". So then I have the feeling that her ***** mode will be coming out in full force. Probably pissed that I put in there that she cannot move more than an hour and a half away. I am really scared she will attempt to take kids to another state before I file.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I'm sorry to hear things are spiraling on her end for the worse. CB, are you lawyered up? Do you have someone representing you who can file quickly and prevent her from leaving? What makes you think she will move to another state?


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

Today is the day we tell the kids. And tomorrow I move to the apartment. I finally got her to talk. She said she does not have a problem with me having them a week a month and every other weekend but does not want to sign any agreement to that affect until she has had a lawyer read it.

In other news she admitted that she had been feeling she wanted out since I went back to work. Said she felt happier when I was not there and was not happy when I was home. That hurt. So basically she had lied to me for two months.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

I wish you wisdom and the best words to explain the situation to the kids today. Also a fres new start in your apartment little by little. Small steps.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

Told the kids. The one I thought would take it the worst, took it the best. She said it makes sense as we are always fighting. The one I thought would take it the best went ballistic. He is 18 and went to a friends house for the night because he feels it is all his fault and was VERY upset. Hoping he will calm down and come back tomorrow. Really was tough.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

EasyBakeOven said:


> Do not give her anything. I mean anything. She is not the person you knew before. Its all about her now. Next you will be called abusive and all other kinds of good stuff.
> 
> She is the quitter not you. Nothing will probably help at this point. Show her your a man and she will respect that more than anything.


Don't see where I ever said he should give her all kinds of stuff. I simply pointed out that it's hard to have a marriage when you're apart half the time; don't see the issue with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

Figured I would give everyone an update.

Been out of the house since June 4. Had another bout of depression at start of July and spent a week in the hospital voluntarily. Most days are good. I am seeing just how little I knew my wife and just how toxic she was for me. Finally hired a lawyer yesterday and should file papers on her within the month.

Today was kind of depressing knowing that it is "real" now.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

I like Gonna Make It about 1 million percent more than your old and incorrect name, man.

I am sorry to hear that you are still struggling with depression. I am REALLY GLAD to hear that you are dealing with it in as constructive a manner as the situation allows. If you had to stay in the hospital for a week, well, that beats the alternative.

Although a week's worth of hospital meals might make it questionable.....

When all of this is behind you, it may turn out that life without your STBXW frees you from the worst parts of being depressed.

A good woman can make life awesome. A bad one can make life, uh, "sub-optimal."

I keep wanting to type something about how you're going to male it through all this, and, of course, that's your new handle which is making me have to work at giving you encouragement!

You're doing the right things. Your kids love you. Don't give up. Keep your chin up- you have behaved honorably in the important ways. There will be someone in your life, some time in the future, who will make you a better person. Hang around and meet her.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

OMG!!!!!!!! I so have to vent. She texts me today that she is "sick" and cannot take our #2 to a pool party at church tonight, so can I take her. OK, I get to spend time with daughter so it is a win for me. Well oldest, 18, texts me to remind me that I promised to take him to the comic book store so after dropping off daughter, go back to get him from not soon enough to be X's house. HER "FRIEND" is there. Supposedly they are just friends but my son tells me on way to comic book shop that he thinks his mother is lying to him and having an affair with this woman. He is getting all the vibes that I got last year. If he finally finds out she has been lying to him and is with this woman then he will never speak to her again, he said. Now he does not have an issue with gays, lots of his friends are gay, but he does with her lying to him about it.

So she was too sick to take our daughter but was healthy enough for watching a movie with her friend. It blows my mind how selfish and all about herself she is!

ON the plus side, my son and I are closer than I ever remember. We have gotten to be not just father and son but friends. And I am starting to find that I do like some things about myself. I am not perfect, but I am learning to be me instead of the person people want me to be. And my son says that makes me more lovable!


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

So, time for my update:

Yesterday she calls me and wants to talk about one of the kids. She goes on to ask how I am feeling, etc. WTF? Is she just messing with my head? I stuck firm to the 180 and answered her questions. Then got off the phone with her and just hurt so bad because I do miss her and miss the life we had.

In other news, found a job in my profession. So I will be changing companies and will be in town all the time. Lawyer is going to ask for 50% custody. Figure she will flip out when she sees that because it will drastically cut into her child support.

I am doing well emotionally and learning to live on my own. I have started cooking dinner even when it is just me and starting to think about the future. That pretty much covers what is going on for me.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Gonna Make It said:


> So, time for my update:
> 
> Yesterday she calls me and wants to talk about one of the kids. She goes on to ask how I am feeling, etc. WTF? Is she just messing with my head? I stuck firm to the 180 and answered her questions. Then got off the phone with her and just hurt so bad because I do miss her and miss the life we had.
> 
> ...


Good to hear you are moving forward.

About the 50% custody....they're 50% your kids, so you deserve 50% of their time. If she's just using them as pawns in chess to get max child support, too bad for her. 

Fight for 50-50. You have that right, and those kids need their time with Dad.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

Time for another update!!!! My lawyer is an idiot. Finally, after all these months, he had the papers ready for me to sign. Supposedly she will be served sometime this week.

I am doing much better emotionally. I realize just how screwed up she had me. I am ready to move on. My oldest is pretty much living with me now. Says his mother makes him feel unwelcome.


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