# He wants nothing to do with me anymore



## sarod (Mar 17, 2017)

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We aren't married - or engaged - his reasoning is because wedding are too expensive so he can't even think about it right now. Whatever, that is the least of my problems right now. 

We have a 2.5 year old son. Before our son was born our relationship was perfect. The pregnancy was unplanned, my birth control failed. After our son was born things started changing. My focus was on the baby and he wouldn't help me. I was touched out and wanted nothing to do with intimacy. Even after I adjusted, our relationship didn't. Sex went from daily to a couple times a month. 

Now... we haven't had sex in months. There was a BJ somewhere in there but that's it. He never initiates and turns me down when I do. When we do have sex it lasts a minute or two. There is no foreplay and he finishes quickly then leaves. 

To be fair, since our son's birth sex hasn't felt good for me. There is no pleasure at all from penetration and I've never been able to orgasm during sex or foreplay (with him or anyone else). So yeah, I'm a "****ty lay". But unless he wants me to fake moan and fake an orgasm I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I try to make it good for him. I've never been amazing at sex. I don't ooze out sex appeal. I know that he's had better than me. 

I'm not the most attractive person he's been with and I'm not as skinny as he's attracted to. He shows no sign that he's attracted to me anymore. He never compliments me, doesn't notice me. We never cuddle, never kiss (I don't even remember the last time we kissed), he doesn't want to spend time with me, he won't go out with me. Things we use to do he's started doing with friends, not giving me a second thought. 

I searched his phone today because all of this has been bothering me and he won't talk to me about it. The only thing on there was some porn on 2-3 days over the last two weeks. Which is nothing, but he knows what incognito tabs are for and uses them on his computer so maybe he just forgot those couple times. The videos weren't anything too "out there". 3 women, a man with 2 women, then a couple just man and woman in missionary and doggy. So there is no sign that he has some fantasy that I'm not meeting, other than not being attractive. I'm pretty sure he regrets our relationship. 

There was some other links, for sex-finding websites. But they could have been popups. They were listed a few times in a row then nothing. Or he opened them incognito after. He doesn't really hide his phone from me. But when I've used it to look something up he's asked what I'm doing and seemed a bit protective. A very minimal amount. 

What do I do? Is it my fault for sucking in bed and being unattractive to him? I mean, I suck at sex and I'm fat so why _would_ he want to sleep with me, or touch me.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

I'm guessing the biggest problem in all of this is your self-deprecation and obvious lack of self confidence...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What it sounds like is that when you had the baby, he did not get the attention from you that he wants. His needs were not being met and basically he fell out of love. It's actually pretty common.

Is it your fault? Probably not. Had he shared your enthusiasm for your baby and spend time taking care of you baby too, he would have gotten a lot of his emotional needs met by co-parenting with you. But some guys just don't get this.

Also, the lack of sex is most likely very hard on him. I can understand that as it probably made him feel unloved. And now you feel unloved because he does not want sex with you. It's a vicious cycle.

You say that you do not orgasm through sex (PIV) or foreplay. Do you ever orgasm? Most women (about 75%) do not ever orgasm via PIV sex. Women are not built to do that. So don't get all hung up about that. But I wonder why you do not orgasm through foreplay. I think that you should see a sex therapist and find out why you don't. They have knowledge of things you can do to change this. Do this for yourself.

You cannot change your boyfriend. You cannot control his behavior. The only person you can yourself. So put your effort into yourself and your child. 

What are you doing for yourself? Do you work out? Do you go out with your friends?

There are two books that I think will help you. You seem to not know what you have the right to expect and ask for in a relationship. While the books are written for married couples, I think that they apply in your situation as well.

“Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. Read them in that order and do the work that they say to do. If you want, you can discuss all this here on TAM to help you work through it.

Then, sit him down and tell him that you are not willing to stay in a relationship the way it is now. That you would like for him to work with you to fix things between the two of you. Ask him to read the books with you and do the work.

There is a chance that he’s already gone emotionally. But giving it one last try makes sense. After that, if he continues as he is, you need to leave this relationship because it’s already hurting your self-esteem. You don’t need to be in a relationship where you are being disrespected like this. That means you leave him and see a lawyer and sue him for child support.


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## megamuppet (Feb 13, 2017)

Have you tried to talk to him about this? There could be a couple of things going on. If the pregnancy was a surprise or shock he might be worried that if he has sex with you again it might happen again. I know my expartner was worried about that. What you describe above sounds very similar to my previous situation. 



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## sarod (Mar 17, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> I'm guessing the biggest problem in all of this is your self-deprecation and obvious lack of self confidence...


I didn't feel so poorly about myself until he started making me feel that way... I can get naked and throw myself at him and he pushes me away. If I'm naked for whatever reason he doesn't even look at me anymore. When he does look at me, it's not the same as he use to. It doesn't feel like he's attracted to me when he looks at me, it feels like disgust.


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## sarod (Mar 17, 2017)

megamuppet said:


> Have you tried to talk to him about this? There could be a couple of things going on. If the pregnancy was a surprise or shock he might be worried that if he has sex with you again it might happen again. I know my expartner was worried about that. What you describe above sounds very similar to my previous situation.


I have an IUD, and for quite a while he talked about getting a vasectomy because he doesn't want more kids. He's dropped the vasectomy, which makes me feel like he wants more kids - just not with me. 

I have tried to talk to me, he doesn't ever want to. He doesn't take it seriously...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sarod said:


> I didn't feel so poorly about myself until he started making me feel that way... I can get naked and throw myself at him and he pushes me away. If I'm naked for whatever reason he doesn't even look at me anymore. When he does look at me, it's not the same as he use to. It doesn't feel like he's attracted to me when he looks at me, it feels like disgust.


So stop getting naked around him. Do not put yourself in the position of anyone treating you like that. 

I understand what you mean when you say that "he started making me feel that way". But in reality he is not making you feel that way. You choose to feel that way. See you have 100% control over your own feelings. He can reject you all he wants. But you do not have to let it make you 'feel that way'. You could choose to feel that you are a desirable woman and so his reaction something that you reject.

Stop trying to have sex with him. Start taking care of yourself and start even tell him to move out because you will not live with someone who mistreats you and does not desire you.

Have you asked him why he is still living with you if he feels this way?

Do you have a job? or are you dependent on him financially?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I'm not sure what is going on with him, but it's time to do some stuff for you sweetheart.

1.) Buy yourself a vibrator and give yourself some awesome orgasms. 
2.) Change any bad eating habits you have. Eating junk, makes you feel like junk. Eating healthy, makes you feel healthy. 
3.) Join a gym. Exercise has tons of wonderful side effects. It improves how you feel, and how you look. Do it, and stick with it. Participate in group classes, the social aspect helps you stick with it, and gives you more accountability. 
4.) Us moms tend to put everything and everyone else above us. Your post screams of this. Splurge on a new haircut, a couple of cute outfits and new makeup if you need it.
5.) Go out and have some fun with your girlfriends. If you don't have any, make some while you are at the gym.

After you do these things, my guess is you will see an uptick in your BFs interest. If you don't, you probably won't care anymore because you will be feeling so great about yourself he won't be good enough for you anymore!!!! :x


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

sarod said:


> I didn't feel so poorly about myself until he started making me feel that way... I can get naked and throw myself at him and he pushes me away. If I'm naked for whatever reason he doesn't even look at me anymore. When he does look at me, it's not the same as he use to. It doesn't feel like he's attracted to me when he looks at me, it feels like disgust.


He is punishing you for reasons he isn't even aware of.


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

sarod said:


> I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We aren't married - or engaged - his reasoning is because wedding are too expensive so he can't even think about it right now. Whatever, that is the least of my problems right now.
> 
> We have a 2.5 year old son. Before our son was born our relationship was perfect. The pregnancy was unplanned, my birth control failed. After our son was born things started changing. My focus was on the baby and he wouldn't help me. I was touched out and wanted nothing to do with intimacy. Even after I adjusted, our relationship didn't. Sex went from daily to a couple times a month.
> 
> ...


Very sad story. These things happen. Is he a good father? Would he be a good single dad and a safe person to share custody with? 
What is your extended family and support network like. Are they available to you to help child rearing. How well do you know his parents? Would they be available for child rearing duties.

I know this sounds overly negative. There is a philosophy that states... hope for the best expect the worst.

You are in the danger zone. Young men can walk away without the same responsibility towards children as wives and mothers.

This is a matter of threshold. He is building an inventory of complaints and negatives. When it reaches a critical threshold he will have all the justification in his mind to walk away without guilt.

Just my opinion. Think about it. BTW: Don't run yourself down so much. Every woman has the ability to become a charming and sexual creature. Sometimes a 2.5 year old is a hinderance though. That is on him, not you.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

sarod said:


> I didn't feel so poorly about myself until he started making me feel that way... I can get naked and throw myself at him and he pushes me away. If I'm naked for whatever reason he doesn't even look at me anymore. When he does look at me, it's not the same as he use to. It doesn't feel like he's attracted to me when he looks at me, it feels like disgust.


This is how he is and you're not even engaged, can you imagine what life with him might be like if you marry him? I'd have a talk with him, tell him your feelings, and simply say that this is really making you unhappy and maybe it's time to move on, now. 

Many people gain weight after pregnancy, etc. He shouldn't be treating you with disgust, etc. If he doesn't feel anything for you anymore though, then you need to know that so you can end this, because it's no way to live. Sorry you're hurting.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He's counter refusing. https://www.google.com/search?q=counter+refusal+sexless&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8

Usually once you get to that stage of sexless marriage, it's basically over. Just waiting for a trigger point.


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## sarod (Mar 17, 2017)

After our son was born he always complained that he wasn't getting enough attention and didn't feel loved/wanted. I had no energy left... He never helped me. He wouldn't get up at night, wouldn't get up in the morning so I could sleep in, wouldn't change diapers, didn't want to hold the baby so I could shower, eat, nap, whatever. The odd time he did after 10 minutes he'd be complaining. Didn't want to go out with us, still doesn't. He never says "I love you" anymore, that went out the window long ago. 

In hindsight maybe I should have put a better effort in, but I had no effort left to give... I had a baby who woke every 30-60 minutes, still he wakes every 2 hours. 

I can orgasm if I take care of it myself with a toy, but even that takes a long time and I get frustrated. In theory, I probably could orgasm from foreplay but it would take a really long time. He has always hated that I cannot orgasm with him, he claims he has never had that problem before and it was the best part for him. We waited 18 months or so before having sex (of any kind). I think if we had gotten intimate earlier he wouldn't have stuck around. The sex isn't good so he doesn't want to do it, porn probably satisfies him more. 

When we've fought he has said that he regrets being with me. He's only said it when we're fighting so I don't know for sure if it's only said because he is mad, or that's how he really feels. Breaking up would be difficult, because our lives are so intertwined and it's too expensive to live in this city alone. There is a large part of me that thinks he is only with me because of financial reasons. 

I have never been to sex therapy. I don't know if there is a point. I don't have anything in my past that is affecting me. I did go see two specialists about penetration having zero pleasure. The only thing they found wrong is that I have a prolapsed uterus, but it's not bad enough to do anything about it. I tore really badly, 4th degree, but both agreed that shouldn't cause no sensation. 

Right now I stay home with our son and I'm doing online courses through my university to finish my Bachelors. Financially, staying home is cheaper as daycare costs $2,000 a month here. I have no time to myself. I did enroll our son to start at a preschool in September, so I'll have 4 hours a week to myself. 

Right before we had our son we moved to my BF's hometown, where I knew no one. I still don't know anyone. I don't have time to make new friends. I take my son to play groups but I've never been able to make friends from them. 

I'll get those books and read them.

We don't really have bad eating habits. We never eat out, almost always cook from scratch. I ate perfectly during my pregnancy and exercised daily, yet still somehow managed to gain 65 pounds. I still weigh 25-30 pounds more than I did when we met, and it won't budge. Going from 110 to 135-140 pounds is a huge jump. He has always been with really skinny women and I'm not anymore. There are specific things that he's attracted to that I don't have. He's always been with women who spend 5 hours doing their makeup every day and have a great fashion sense, I don't do either of those. On a good day I'll wear some foundation and mascara, and I suck at just doing that. His ex's all had things in common with him, we literally have nothing in common. I feel like our relationship was a mistake. 

I don't really trust him to be a good dad if we break up. He doesn't play a large role in our son's life. He doesn't like to spend time with him. He doesn't know half of what I know about him. He can't understand a lot of what our son says. He never takes him out to museums, the park, swimming, etc. He ignores our son a lot. 

I tested the waters a while ago and he basically said that he thinks a father should have the kid on the weekend and mother during the week. And if I had to move for a job, he wouldn't necessarily be against it because "you can facetime". I'm scared to take the risk of him fighting for 50/50, it's almost always awarded here, and have my son suffer. I'd rather suffer than my son... That's part of what keeps me in this relationship. 

I don't want to marry him... not when he's acting like this. That's why I don't even care that we aren't married, or engaged. 

I don't have any family. I was raised by my grandparents and they have both passed away. The rest of the family wasn't close or lives on the other side of the country. My BF's parents are nearby and they help sometimes. They both work during the day and are renovating a house on the weekend so when they can help is really limited. When I need my BF to help me he almost always says "why don't we call my mom to come pick him up" rather than look after our son himself. I'm almost 100% sure if we broke up his parents would be looking after our son, not him. And I'm not giving up time with my son for that...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

sarod said:


> I didn't feel so poorly about myself until he started making me feel that way... I can get naked and throw myself at him and he pushes me away. If I'm naked for whatever reason he doesn't even look at me anymore. When he does look at me, it's not the same as he use to. It doesn't feel like he's attracted to me when he looks at me, it feels like disgust.


Be careful this line of thinking.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sarod said:


> After our son was born he always complained that he wasn't getting enough attention and didn't feel loved/wanted. I had no energy left... He never helped me. He wouldn't get up at night, wouldn't get up in the morning so I could sleep in, wouldn't change diapers, didn't want to hold the baby so I could shower, eat, nap, whatever. The odd time he did after 10 minutes he'd be complaining. Didn't want to go out with us, still doesn't. He never says "I love you" anymore, that went out the window long ago.
> 
> In hindsight maybe I should have put a better effort in, but I had no effort left to give... I had a baby who woke every 30-60 minutes, still he wakes every 2 hours.


Your bf is not husband/father material. He should have been doing a lot to help you out even though you have been a SHAM. Most women get very exhausted by a baby. Babies are demanding little creatures.

Your bf is selfish/self-centered.

Do what you have to do for yourself. Get ready to be on your own because I doubt this guy will get over this and stay forever.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Are you in love with your boyfriend?


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## sarod (Mar 17, 2017)

Spicy said:


> Are you in love with your boyfriend?


I don't know. Not knowing might be my answer. I don't jump to "no, I'm not". But I also don't want to run off and marry him tomorrow. I want to work on it and get our relationship back to where it was... he doesn't seem willing to do that. He also won't talk about it or say how he feels.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

sarod said:


> I don't know. Not knowing might be my answer. I don't jump to "no, I'm not". But I also don't want to run off and marry him tomorrow. I want to work on it and get our relationship back to where it was... he doesn't seem willing to do that. He also won't talk about it or say how he feels.


I just don't know how you can work on something with someone that isn't even willing to discuss your relationship.


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## sarod (Mar 17, 2017)

Spicy said:


> I just don't know how you can work on something with someone that isn't even willing to discuss your relationship.


I wish there was something that I could do to make him want to try, or to see how I'm feeling. When I try to talk to him about it he dismisses my feelings or just doesn't get it. 

I went deeper into his internet history on his phone, back a few months. He works a nightshift 3 nights a week and basically just sits in his car unless someone needs him. The only time he _seems_ to be watching porn is at work, which seems weird to do that at work. When I went further into his internet history I'd say about half of the videos were of "pegging". Which he has never expressed any interest in (and it weirds me out TBH). One night he looked at A LOT of ads on Craigslist sex section. w4m and wm4m. He could just be bored... But there is nothing leading up to those pages, no search engine pages. Just random sites that he frequents like sports crap, reddit. Then porn. Which makes me think he's doing a lot of incognito browsing and forgets to open incognito sometimes. 

Do I have reason to be concerned? Or am I just suppose to give up and walk away...


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