# Coping with co parenting



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Any tips on how to deal with the pain of only seeing our kids half time? My marriage was very toxic but I so miss my 14 year old dd so much, it's very painful.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Make sure that the time that you have with them is quality time. I went through two marriages and have a daughter from the first marriage and a daughter from the second. I had my weekends every other week with oldest daughter and when the weekend came around, I made sure that it was just me and her and even though my first wife used my D as a weapon, I made sure that it was quality. It was hard but it can work. My first wife moved to Fla and I was able to have my daughter in the summer and Christmas. It was tough when she had to go back home and I missed her so much but I made do with the time I had.

When my second marriage ended, I made sure that I wasn't going to have that every other weekend crap any longer and I made sure that if I planned something with my daughter there was no "going at it" with my Ex. Everything worked out good but that depends on you and your EX. Wife #1 made my life hell and used my kid as a weapon and I jumped through hoops because of it and wife#2 I had no problem with. It all comes down to if you and your EX have enough common sense to not use the kid as a weapon and can be adult about it. One other thing is that you and Ex have to have the same rules or you can have a kid that gets torn apart because they don't know whose rules to follow and after a while they follow their own which happened to my first Ex and my daughter. I learned my lesson and it was a hard lesson to learn so don't make the same mistake that I made.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

Well I have been on the 50/50 thing for years. It bothered me at first but I also looked around at some of my friends that saw their kids two weekends a month and thought of how fortunate I was given the circumstances. 
I have found staying busy helps pass the time and to put a positive spin on things I try to look at as time I can go out and do things that I like.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

I'll watch this thread because after my WW had an affair and ripped my children from my daily life, i am having the hardest time finding any happiness.

I miss my children every day. It's hell.


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## Simcha (Jul 14, 2012)

indiecat said:


> Any tips on how to deal with the pain of only seeing our kids half time? My marriage was very toxic but I so miss my 14 year old dd so much, it's very painful.


The "pain", as with everything, subsides and decreases with time. I have been doing the 50/50 for one year. I have two boys 9 and 5. It was very painful on the drop off days. Now it has gotten better. It becomes part of your new life and you learn to live with it. You will go through other emotional stages, like a roller coaster. For example, when your spouse starts bringing boy/girl friends around your kid and your kid starts spending time with him/her, that may be source of pain again. The boy/girl friends befriend the kids to stay in good graces with the spouse.

In my case, my X, started bringing her bf around my boys and he started buying them toys, pets, taking them places, etc.

You learn to live with all of it. My recommendation is, be the best parent to your child you can be and they will love you, respect you, appreciate you, etc. There won't be a toy large enough to interfere with your relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrlonelyhearts (Apr 12, 2012)

Simcha said:


> There won't be a toy large enough to interfere with your relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I really appreciate this statement. This is absolutely true. No other man or woman will love your kids they way you do. No other man or woman will measure up as you do.



indiecat said:


> Any tips on how to deal with the pain of only seeing our kids half time? My marriage was very toxic but I so miss my 14 year old dd so much, it's very painful.


I sometimes have to hold back the tears when I am dropping them off. Or, I'll get home, see the mess, know that they are gone again, and just cry for a bit. (I think this is healthy).

I resonate with what other's have said about making the most of "your time."

On days I don't see my kids, I try to stay connected via their phone (I avoid contacting my kids via their mother's phone). If I see something in the world that we've been talking about, I might snap a picture or just buy something for their next visit as a surprise.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Thanks. My ex does try to poison her against me, I stay the moral one but it's hard. She doesn't text me now on her days with him because he told her I don't return his texts sometimes. I explained to her simply that some of his texts are not nice and that is why I don't always return them. Boy it's hard. He also tells her that her dog misses her and is sad when she is gone. That does not help.


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## Simcha (Jul 14, 2012)

indiecat said:


> Thanks. My ex does try to poison her against me, I stay the moral one but it's hard. She doesn't text me now on her days with him because he told her I don't return his texts sometimes. I explained to her simply that some of his texts are not nice and that is why I don't always return them. Boy it's hard. He also tells her that her dog misses her and is sad when she is gone. That does not help.


I know all too well how hard it is to always take the high road and do the right thing, however, I will tell you that I went through an extremely contentious divorce and I took the high road every time despite being dragged through the mud, and things have turned out pretty well for me. I think there is something to be said about Karma and how energy flows in our universe. Good actions get rewarded and bad, undermining actions, come back to hunt you. Sometimes it seems that it takes a long time, but eventually it happens.

What pains me and I still have a hard time with, is having the feeling that I am missing half of my boy's lives. When they are away from me, I want to know everything they have done away from me but sometimes its painful to know all the details and it is best not to ask.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Yes simcha, love this post. It's the same for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I have to say, reading these I feel very bad about my ex seeing our daughter so little. I know it broke his heart that he would only see her half the time but he wasn't being a very good Dad so then it became every other weekend. Then he was alienating her from me, implying I was dangerous, etc. and after the psych evaluation I know it's the healthiest thing for her to be away from him but I do feel sad for him. 

On one hand I know he did some terrible things but I also know he isn't self-aware enough to see the forest for the trees. 

I really wish things had been different for all of us. No point to this, really, except that I do empathize with the whole loss of the family unit.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

I wish I could do 50/50 but I'm out of the house 12+ hours a day. Originally it was to pay for her SAHM lifestyle. Now it's to pay her CS.

It's just not fair.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> I wish I could do 50/50 but I'm out of the house 12+ hours a day. Originally it was to pay for her SAHM lifestyle. Now it's to pay her CS.
> 
> It's just not fair.


No, it's not - there are a lot of things that aren't fair and to me that's the hardest thing to let go of.

In the end I had to know I was the one who got myself into the situation (marrying young, accepting the abuse, not setting boundaries, etc.) and move forward into the present. A lot of things aren't fair in life and there often isn't anything one can do about it. I try to not waste energy on it. Dwelling on the fairness or lack thereof generally seems to create feelings of resentment and that's a very negative emotion and very non-productive in general. 

Make the best of NOW and let it go as best you can.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

I'm just holding on to the thought that they'll come live with me again before they're adults. My son already wants to but they're too young to be home alone that much at this point.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

lt makes me sick to my stomach having my d's main life being in her moms rental and not us as a family.
ln a word or 3 , l truly just can not believe we are living like this and sometimes when l drive into that driveway , or out of it after dropping her off , l almost vomit .
No matter what mistakes we made or they made or we both did , if two people can even co exist in any degree of happiness let alone quite a good degree - how can it be possible for just one of them to destroy the family ? Destroy it and make the kids and the other parent live like this , how is that possible ?
You both took vows , you both got pregnant, you both built a life , bought homes , so how can just one take it all away ?

We could do 50/50 but in reality it's more like 70.30 because people , 12 mths of this , 12 mths on tam , research , counselors yet to be honest l am not 1 inch closer to hearing or understanding how children an live and exist , cope with school , cope with the two homes and one parent in each , the separation , just having to live like that . l honestly do not understand yet how you can ask that of young children or how they themselves actually survive living like that .
So don't ask that of my d . l can see her whenever l want but l try to keep a routine to it as she loves her routines in anything my girl.
So she stays over here on the w/ends and l go see her Wednesday nights to , plus we talk nearly every night.
l just can't ask any more of her , l just don't think it's fair on her.
But that means she's with mum much more than me , they basically have a life , we don't and that breaks my heart but l dunno yet how else to work it.

On the upside though , l get freedom , mum doesn't get any really so that part of my ends not all bad..
But l am losing my wk.ends so that starts to worry me to as to how l'm suppose to build a new life when my they are spent at home - which l adore and we have a ball don't get me wrong , but on a practical side worry about my own life too.
We could swap it round some other way but as l said , 1 she needs her routine and 2 , how in hell can you ask a 12 yr old to spend a few wk days here and a few there and then fk knows where she'll be on wk ends .
How the hel can my girl grow up existing like that so , right now this is what we do.

Keep things civil and fair and away from the courts is about all l can suggest folks and for God sakes , think of the kids first.
But all the research has shown , like we need it to anyway it's a no brainer but , kids growing up with the co parenting just being kept nice and between the two parents , o other bs , those kids are like double happier and balanced than any other set up.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Yeah, it takes 2 to do all of those other things but it also takes 2 to keep the marriage going. Just one can screw up all of the things it takes 2 to accomplish.

Kids are very resilient. I agree less conflict is best for kids - I wish I could have made that life for my daughter instead of the parallel parenting situation I have. But again, it takes 2 and if 1 doesn't want to cooperate... there you have it.

Have you thought about one week on, one week off? So you get every other week and weekend? She will grow up fine, especially with structure. As long as she knows where she'll be on any given day, she'll be fine.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

I seem to be in the minority but I actually have a better relationship with my kids after divorce. Maybe this is because I had a SAHD xh, so he did most of the parenting while I worked. Now I have sole responsibility for them 50% of the time and have learned a lot about them (and me) in the process.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I also have a better relationship with DS after the divorce. I was so stressed out dealing with his self-absorbed man-child father that I was not as good of a mom as I wanted to be. I feel like I can make up for some of that now, since I don't have his father getting in the way anymore.


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