# Need HONEST response please...



## so_sad (Nov 23, 2010)

So this might be a little long but I need to hear from someone who is not biased. 

I was with my ex for 12 yrs prior to separating last month. I had a 2 yr old when we met and we all seemed to mesh well and eventually my son started calling him dad and LOVES him so much. My son has always been my responsibility for everything including school, financially, emotionally and I was also the disciplinary. I never questioned it because I always had the mentality that he was mine and therefore I took care of him. 
Every summer we went to visit my ex's family in another country and when my work go to busy they would go just the two of them. My son looks forward to it every summer because to him his grandma and aunt live there. 

Ok, I moved out a month ago and my ex has been doing different things that are hurting my feelings but I don't know if its because I am being over protective because I don't want my son to be more hurt over the separating than need be. He likes to go to his dads on the weekends to play video games and such and recently my ex has been telling me he is too tired and wants to rest. My son had surgery in December and the bills came to 3000 which are all just rolling in. He needs all new clothes because he all of a sudden grew out of all of his and shoes as well. I mentioned to my ex and he acts like I'm not even saying anything. Also, he is talking about not being able to coordinate taking my son with him to see his family this summer like they have for the past 10 years and I find myself resenting him to the point of not wanting to talk or be nice at all. I was hoping to at least get along considering it wasn't a horrible separation. I can afford the bills/clothes but he makes so much more than I do so I thought he would want to help out. 

Please give me some in site to my anger. Do I have probable cause or am I just mad for no reason?

I guess my question is should he have the right to not put in more effort because he is not biologically his or does the break between us provide him an out as a father figure?

Thanks


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Technically, he has no legal obligation to your son since he's not his bio father and never adopted him. But...a decent guy would stay a part of your son's life after having been part of it for 12 yrs. A loving man would not only be attached to your son, but realize how attached your son is to him, and would try to keep the bond intact, or at least break it gently if he felt it necessary to break it. Heck, my boyfriend and I have been together less than 2 full years, and I know he'd still be a part of my kids lives if we broke up...he's made very clear to me that if we ever broke up he would not accept being completely cut out of my kids lives. 

I do understand your feelings. Unfortunately, with no legal obligation, there's nothing you can do to force him to be there for your son. I would talk to him, though, and tell him how it's making your son feel and ask him if he can explain why he's acting this way. Maybe it's too painful to see you? Maybe he feels bad and thinks your son might hate him and he doesn't want to face that? I don't know, could be lots of things.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I don't think he is obligated to do much, especially since you stated you have always been financially responsible for your son. Honestly, its completely up to your EX or STBX if he wants him to go to see his family with him. Honestly, I would have to say the breakup of the marriage does pretty much LEGALLY relieve him of any responsibility. Would it be nice if he was still there for your son? Of course it would. I can understand your anger, feeling like he is abandoning your son.


----------



## so_sad (Nov 23, 2010)

Thanks guys. I know he isn't required by law to be in his life but I never thought in a million years that he would not want to be there doing things with and for him. Kind of crazy actually. I guess separation brings out the worst in people....


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

So... he stepped up and help a raise a kid that isn't his, then you left him, and then because he doesn't keep raising the kid, he's the bad guy?

He was raising the kid because he was with you. That was the deal you ended.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

To bad your ex is an [email protected]@hole, at the very least he could have established some small friendship with a 12 yro kid. Folks to it all the time (big brothers org).

So now is the time for your son to learn about friendship and as one grows up, friendship will fade and others will be found. As a parent all you can do in my opinion is handle it with grace and dignity. Show your son a good axample on how to handle faded friendships, they will happen.

This will not be the last time someone in his life will fade. The example you show will do him good in how to handle relationships in his future. At 12 yo he has alot in front of him. 

So please do not be sad that your d*ck of an ex is acting this way, but look at it as a lesson learned for your son and show him the right way to handle it and that this is part of life and soon he will find other friendships that will be even more meaningful as he gets older.

I hope I've helped it someway.

Your ex is a tool!


----------



## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

It would have been nice if he would have maintained some sort of (even if limited) contact with your son, since he was in his life for so long. It doesn't sound like they truly bonded, though. There's no mention of him "loving my son like his own", or "my son considers him his father, and calls him dad". That suggests to me that while he might care about your son, there isn't a deep connection. That you handled ALL responsibility for your son suggests a lack of that bond as well.

I would have some serious talks with my son. Let your ex off the hook. He's not going to be there for your son, so now you have to do some "damage control". Try to get him to open up about his feelings so you can gauge where he's at. Not so easy with a 12yo boy, but it can be done. It's possible he might need some counseling to help deal with any perceived "abandonment" issues.


----------

