# Feeling jealous over other people who have great relationships with their spouse....



## savannah

Often they say the grass is always greener on the other side... in the case of seeing other people with fantastic relationships with their spouse, I do agree!

I see women at work who get calls from their hubby's , who just call to say hello... conversations that don't involve annoyance... 
So I wonder, how is it that some are just lucky to have such great relationships? Granted everyone gets in arguments and what not in a marriage... but to have that kind of relationship where after so many years, you still talk to each other like you just met yesterday, can just make your day...

Does anyone else feel the same?


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## MarriedWifeInLove

Be careful, that green grass may have been painted!

While it may appear to you, as an outsider, that things are rosy - they are not always as they seem.

This is something I've learned from actual experience.

When I was a fitness instructor, there was another instructor where I was teaching that appeared to have a very loving marriage with an attentive husband. He would send her flowers to the gym during special occasions and when we all went out of town for fitness conventions he would call to make sure she made it ok and then talk to her each day. She would tell us he wanted to see if she was having fun and what she was doing, etc. He seemed to be the "perfect husband" and I was jealous.

Fast forward to about 6 months later and I was shocked to hear that they were divorcing.

Appears that "perfect husband" was a wolf in sheep's clothing. His flowers, attentiveness and phone calls were to keep tabs on her while he carried on an affair at their house, in their bed...she finally caught him and filed for divorce. She is now remarried, he is still playing the field.

Now, I'm not saying that all attentive husbands are rotten behind their wives backs, my point is...things are not always as they seem.

The grass can look really green but all you see is what someone allows you to see - things behind closed doors and in day-to-day life can be quite different.

Learn to accept your marriage, as it is, if it works for you and your husband. Comparing your marriage to others, with only a glimpse of what their marriage is "really" like can lead you to feel that something is missing or disappointed, when your marriage is just fine, but different.

My husband and I banter back and forth and to outside strangers it may seem as though we hate each other, but this is how we have always been with each other and it's how we love each other and we don't care what outsiders think.


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## Mavash.

What I've found is that most relationships aren't as great as they appear to outsiders.


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## frustr8dhubby

Aye, agreed. It isn't always the same on the "inside". I am sure by most outward appearances that my wife and I have an excellent relationship too. And for the most part we do but we have our warts too..


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## CallaLily

Mavash. said:


> What I've found is that most relationships aren't as great as they appear to outsiders.


:iagree: True, things are not always what they seem. I do believe that there are people who do have relationships that are the way they seem, but there are many who are not. 

I don't know to many people who don't have some kind of marital issue(s) at one point in their lives, some worse than others.


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## Mavash.

Here's another 'truth' that I've observed. The more perfect someone's life looks the worse it actually is. Those who show you their human side are usually the happiest.


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## that_girl

It doesn't just happen.

Hubs and I worked for it. We worked hard. And it sucked while working on it.


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## kag123

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Be careful, that green grass may have been painted!
> 
> While it may appear to you, as an outsider, that things are rosy - they are not always as they seem.
> 
> This is something I've learned from actual experience.
> 
> When I was a fitness instructor, there was another instructor where I was teaching that appeared to have a very loving marriage with an attentive husband. He would send her flowers to the gym during special occasions and when we all went out of town for fitness conventions he would call to make sure she made it ok and then talk to her each day. She would tell us he wanted to see if she was having fun and what she was doing, etc. He seemed to be the "perfect husband" and I was jealous.
> 
> Fast forward to about 6 months later and I was shocked to hear that they were divorcing.
> 
> Appears that "perfect husband" was a wolf in sheep's clothing. His flowers, attentiveness and phone calls were to keep tabs on her while he carried on an affair at their house, in their bed...she finally caught him and filed for divorce. She is now remarried, he is still playing the field.
> 
> Now, I'm not saying that all attentive husbands are rotten behind their wives backs, my point is...things are not always as they seem.
> 
> The grass can look really green but all you see is what someone allows you to see - things behind closed doors and in day-to-day life can be quite different.
> 
> Learn to accept your marriage, as it is, if it works for you and your husband. Comparing your marriage to others, with only a glimpse of what their marriage is "really" like can lead you to feel that something is missing or disappointed, when your marriage is just fine, but different.
> 
> My husband and I banter back and forth and to outside strangers it may seem as though we hate each other, but this is how we have always been with each other and it's how we love each other and we don't care what outsiders think.


This is a good point and I have witnessed the same thing. I, too, have felt very jealous of those couples who just seem so happy and have that natural rapport all the time. Usually when I dig deeper into their relationship I end up seeing a whole lot of things that put it all into perspective and make me happy for what I have.

Two of my very good friends have a marriage like you described where they are constantly PDA, saying nice things to each other, etc. But then I spent some time with the wife alone for a weekend and saw that intermixed with the nice gestures and compliments he was calling her 24/7 about every.single.thing - like what groceries to buy, how to lock the doors, how to do the laundry, what color of toothbrush to buy, like you cannot even.imagine. Turns out he is virtually incompetent at handling the simplest of tasks by himself and refuses to make decisions for himself, which she told me annoyed the sh!t out of her. The problem has only gotten worse over the last few years...right then I was thankful to have a very handy, self sufficient and capable husband that does not call me every five minutes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan

Sounds like a love language mis-match in your marriage. Are you a words of affirmation person? Have you tried telling your husband this? Do you know what his love language is, and do you try to love him in a way that he appreciates?

Communicating your feelings is so important in a marriage. Let your husband know what you are thinking; unfortunately spouses are not the mind readers that we would like them to be.


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## Mavash.

that_girl said:


> It doesn't just happen.
> 
> Hubs and I worked for it. We worked hard. And it sucked while working on it.


This is some gospel right here.

Been married 20 years and we are happy NOW but we also worked hard and lord yes did it suck while we worked on it.


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## LadyFrog

Mavash. said:


> What I've found is that most relationships aren't as great as they appear to outsiders.



I don't necessarily agree with this...people tell dh and I we have a great relationship and we do. I think when you're happy in your marriage it shows.

But that doesn't mean there hasn't been a h*ll of a lot of turbulance along the way, and it doesn't mean it isn't something you don't have to constantly work at.


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## savannah

Understood-- However, it sure does LOOK nice when relationships are presented that way isn't it??? (sigh)

I don't necessarily expect a perfect bubble gum cutesy relationship... but I suppose with all our ups and downs in our relationship (mostly down), its just hard not to look at that and think its the ideal...

Thank you all for your kind inisghts !


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## CandieGirl

Well, what would you say your relationship would look like to an outsider?

Mine looks perfect, despite the ****** in the armour but the ****** are our business; no one else knows us that well.

Except for you TAMmers.


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## Almostrecovered

post affair my wife and I have been very affectionate and loving with each other, so much so that couple friends have been verbalizing their jealousy over it. They say things like "get a room!" when we hold hands. One even mentioned that all couples should be like us, boy did I wish I could have said, "but I sure don't wish that they have to go through the sh!t that we did to get here."


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## Pandakiss

i agree with TG, AR, and lady frog.....it took us almost 20 years to get to where we are. it was hell.

we have talked to annoying minute detail...grave details about..feelings, and attitudes, and...feelings...ugh..

we had so much resentment, and rejection, rug sweeping, built up over our relationship.

like AR, if you see us, you would think aww, young love how sweet..but the road we have traveled.....

we still wonder if its worth it..some days it is..others its up in the air..


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## Coffee Amore

We have a great relationship now and it looks that way to outsiders. It didn't come easily or without effort. We've had to make our marriage a priority to get where we are. What's that old saying, anything worth having in life requires effort. 

When we first got married the money was plentiful so was time. We did what we wanted when we wanted. We were totally spontaneous. If a group of friends wanted to go to Oaxaca, Mexico, we'd go with them just like that. Just had to get the bosses at work to give some time off. When my cousin in New Zealand said he was getting married, we made plans to go. We could afford to. Back then. We were totally connected back then. Then we got a mortgage, started a family then more stress came on in the way of family/job obligations and other things I won't go into because of privacy. Anyway, for a period we were like two ships passing in the night. We'd talk a bit in the morning before he rushed out to his job and before I'd go to mine. We came home in the evening tired from the commute plus the job. Did the family thing, go over the mail/email, watch some TV, go to sleep. We talked maybe 30 minutes tops and that was on a good day! Rinse, lather and repeat. 

Eventually we got to a point where both of us were feeling dissatisfied with the marriage. We never fought. We just buried our problems. We didn't stray either though I was hit on by an attractive colleague at work. For like a few minutes, I was tempted because I felt so lonely in my marriage at the time. Nothing happened, ya'll. I don't need the CWI crowd to jump down my throat.  That got me thinking. I started wondering about what was missing in my marriage. Anyway, long story short, we (mostly me) read several marriage books, we talked and talked about the issues we hadn't resolved. We got everything out. Not all in one conversation, but over a period of time, on our own without marriage counseling, we resolved old resentments, selfish behaviors and annoying habits. It was so carthartic to clear the air. We're both conflict avoiders to some degree so talking like that wasn't easy and when we opened the floodgates a lot of buried anger came out. I think I even called him a dumbass a few times. Not one of my finer moments, but we joke about it now. 

Now we're very affectionate with each other. The sex is awesome and frequent. We chat daily in person at home for more than 30 minutes. We text each other. We call each other at work just to chit chat for several minutes. Yesterday, he offered to take a child to an extracurricular activity I normally handle because he knew I wasn't having a good day so he wanted me to take it easy at home. We do a lot of little things like that for each other that we stopped doing during the period where we were complacent. We hold hands in public. We celebrate birthdays, annivesaries and other significant days. We have nights where we go out without the family. 

I wrote a mini novel here,but I had to say that good marriages don't happen by accident.


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## that_girl

Almostrecovered said:


> post affair my wife and I have been very affectionate and loving with each other, so much so that couple friends have been verbalizing their jealousy over it. They say things like "get a room!" when we hold hands. One even mentioned that all couples should be like us, boy did I wish I could have said, "but I sure don't wish that they have to go through the sh!t that we did to get here."


Same thing happens here. And I just wonder if they know how we have really worked at getting to where we are. We earned this and we're enjoying it.


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## CandieGirl

Pandakiss said:


> i agree with TG, AR, and lady frog.....it took us almost 20 years to get to where we are. it was hell.
> 
> we have talked to annoying minute detail...grave details about..feelings, and attitudes, and...feelings...ugh..
> 
> we had so much resentment, and rejection, rug sweeping, built up over our relationship.
> 
> like AR, if you see us, you would think aww, young love how sweet..but the road we have traveled.....
> 
> we still wonder if its worth it..some days it is..others its up in the air..


20 years, seriously? Hhhhhhh.....I'll never make it!


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## abandonedcompletely

Hi Savanah,

Yeah, I get jealous too if I see couples with their arms around each other, or flirting with each other etc... Mostly because I get none of that, yet I also realize not everyone is as they appear.


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## savannah

I am at 20 years and I STILL can't get nearly to the point where we can go a week without getting on each others nerves... 

Maybe it's just different for everyone, whether its entirely the truth of it or not...


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## Almostrecovered

booze helps


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## savannah

Almostrecovered said:


> booze helps


I'm allergic to alcohol , LOL ! :absolut: :slap:


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

My husband and I have always had a really strong and great relationship from the beginning. However, we are closer now then we were 12 years ago. Our love for each other continues to grow. It takes work from BOTH parties to make a great marriage. My husband and I both put our marriage first, especially now the children are older. We make it a priority to meet each others needs and keep each other happy. It's not work at all when you enjoy doing it.

We were really meant for each other. I don't know too many couples who get along as well as my hubby and I. I'm very lucky. I count my blessings and I never take him or anything for granted. 

Being jealous of others is not healthy. You should do what makes you happy. My first marriage was awful. My ex was verbally abusive and unfaithful, I left. I vowed never again to date someone of that nature. I knew what to look for, 5 years later I met my husband and married a year after meeting.


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## trey69

savannah said:


> I am at 20 years and I STILL can't get nearly to the point where we can go a week without getting on each others nerves...
> 
> Maybe it's just different for everyone, whether its entirely the truth of it or not...


I might be wrong but I was thinking your husband was the one you wondered if he was bipolar or had BPD. If that is the case living with someone that has a mental illness can really change the dynamics of what a good healthy relationship should be. I'm by no means saying it can not be done, but imagine two people who are married and neither of them have a mental illness, its still hard because marriage can be work. So I would think its twice as hard with someone with a mental illness. So the people you see who seem happy and are jealous of, they may have truly a good relationship and they may not, BUT with mental illness it probably will never truly be exactly what you wished and hoped for, or what you feel it should be.


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## SimplyAmorous

Mavash. said:


> Here's another 'truth' that I've observed. The more perfect someone's life looks the worse it actually is. Those who show you their human side are usually the happiest.


I am going to have to agree with this part .... those who show their human side are usually the happiest. 

For those who know me & my husband in "real life".... I've had a # of friends tell me they want to clone my husband ....they see how happy I am....they know how uttery close we are...which has even affected them....I've never cared to do overnighters with the girls, even going shopping with them (boring!)...stuff like that -I just love being with my man! If I am on the phone & he comes home, I get off. I've been told we are sickening (in a nice way of course).....

.... Our one single guy friend has been known to stick his fingers down his throat, imitating the gagging reflex -making pathetic strangulation noises -to joke about our relationship... we can be sappy. Not necessarily in front of him...he just KNOWS US very well, a dear friend of ours for near 20 yrs. 


But none of this... has ever been because we are trying to appear Perfect...oh Goodness No! We don't hide... me & mine are so open , some would find us very "strange", I would think nothing of telling people I can be a B sometimes, causing him some grief....but then he'd jump in with some comment to say "Oh she isn't that bad"...or say he likes rough women with a ... it is just our way. There is no "perfection platter" - putting on aires by any means. They see how we :rofl: together, how we look at each other, the VERY human side --all of it, the good, the bad, even the ugly , but it still = a beautiful thing we got going on. 

But with all of that said...we still missed it in the past..in the area of sex.. our story splattered everywhere here. 

And you know, it is not cause my husband is the ultimate man...he is very BETA, he was the type girls didn't give a 2nd look at in school.... he was shy, reserved, responsible & nice, everything the bad boy is NOT. And I wasn't anything special either... the good girl with a bad attitude... I was mixed up ..I was the damsel in distress.... It just worked. We were terribly compatible in so many ways...he had the patience for what I was...and I needed someone who truly cared and wanted me...and who could handle me. 

Isn't that the key... Compatability for what we are, with another. We are very different in temperment -but complimentary very much so. 

Me wanting him to be more EROTIC and lustful are my biggest gripes. He probably thinks I need to be nicer to the kids...when I get mad. 

See I probably sound bad already.. but damn we are happy. We have teared up with each other...just thinking if something happened to the other. We are terribly mushy, gushy, and appreciative of each other, to the point of dripping sap. See, not many would even want that - they would feel like this...









But then we fight too, and joke, and flirt...and have lots of make up sex... I guess you could say the PASSION is very very high. But this is good ! Who wants "perfect".... I think that would even be a little boring... I'll take being human and fallable anyday!


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## Unhappy2011

I think it's the individuals themselves.

Something most people don't want to admit. 

Two Mature, well adjusted, considerate thoughtful people can easily make a great relationship.

But many adults are just big children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Being jealous of others is not healthy.


It may not be healthy, but here again...it is human... I have never struggled being jealous of another's marraige.....but I did with being jealous over Pregnant women and Moms blessed with large families -when I was "barren" for over 6 yrs. 

I wanted to hate those women, I was so bad at one time, I wouldn't even go to my best friends birthday parties, I was awful. I hated myself for it and it was not that I didn't want 'for others"... I just wanted that (having more kids) for myself sooo sooo badly. Very difficult time for me back then ..... I would have rather hung with those who had no kids, didn't want kids or couldn't have kids, rather than be around a happy mom going on about her joys of parenting. I would have told her I was furiously jealous -at least. It would be hard for me to sit there and act delirously happy for her furtune , ya know. 

I understand jealousy. It is very powerful. It is not healthy...so true... But just like forgiveness, it is not easy to deal with those raw intense emotions..... when you want something so bad for yourself ...and it seems unattainable, it is very hard to watch others enjoy ....life is not fair. Kinda one of my gripes with God. True, sometimes we bring the crap upon ourselves, those times I think we have less reason to whine but when the innocent gets burned - it just royally sucks ! 

Doing everything we can to further our dreams, from our end (whatever that may be)... is the 1st step ... ..if your spouse is not co-operating with you, onboard in this plight for a better marraige....more difficult decisions...then I think of the Serenity Prayer....changing the things we can, accepting what we can not... and making *peace *with it. 

I don't know that there is any other way...in this life.


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## savannah

Accepting how things truly are in one's marriage is very difficult sometimes - First being, EVERYONE always wished for a fairytale marriage where in everything is perfect...

Realistically I suppose its not that easy not that realistic! I know mariage is hard work.. but having to have such a difficult and more likely bi polar/BPD husband doesn't make me see much light at the end of the tunnel... Its just a relly looooooong lightly lit tunnel where I seem to be able to get through somehow.


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## Ten_year_hubby

savannah said:


> I wonder, how is it that some are just lucky to have such great relationships? Granted everyone gets in arguments and what not in a marriage... but to have that kind of relationship where after so many years, you still talk to each other like you just met yesterday, can just make your day...
> 
> Does anyone else feel the same?


In my humble opinion, I think you highly underestimate the amount of effect you can personally have in your relationship. I'm not blaming you for anything, I can surely sympathize with the pain of an afflicted partner. But you have far more capacity for positive change in yourself and your partner than you give yourself credit for. Resolve to quit being jealous of these other people and make yourself into one of them


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

savannah said:


> Accepting how things truly are in one's marriage is very difficult sometimes - First being, EVERYONE always wished for a fairytale marriage where in everything is perfect...
> 
> Realistically I suppose its not that easy not that realistic! I know mariage is hard work.. but having to have such a difficult and more likely bi polar/BPD husband doesn't make me see much light at the end of the tunnel... Its just a relly looooooong lightly lit tunnel where I seem to be able to get through somehow.


My ex h was diagnosed as bipolar. He refuses to be treated and living with him was hell! He had a mission to make me feel miserable and bring me down. A road I will never walk again. It's a tough illness. There are a lot of people who do not see they need help.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

SimplyAmorous said:


> It may not be healthy, but here again...it is human... I have never struggled being jealous of another's marraige.....but I did with being jealous over Pregnant women and Moms blessed with large families -when I was "barren" for over 6 yrs.
> 
> I wanted to hate those women, I was so bad at one time, I wouldn't even go to my best friends birthday parties, I was awful. I hated myself for it and it was not that I didn't want 'for others"... I just wanted that (having more kids) for myself sooo sooo badly. Very difficult time for me back then ..... I would have rather hung with those who had no kids, didn't want kids or couldn't have kids, rather than be around a happy mom going on about her joys of parenting. I would have told her I was furiously jealous -at least. It would be hard for me to sit there and act delirously happy for her furtune , ya know.
> 
> I understand jealousy. It is very powerful. It is not healthy...so true... But just like forgiveness, it is not easy to deal with those raw intense emotions..... when you want something so bad for yourself ...and it seems unattainable, it is very hard to watch others enjoy ....life is not fair. Kinda one of my gripes with God. True, sometimes we bring the crap upon ourselves, those times I think we have less reason to whine but when the innocent gets burned - it just royally sucks !
> 
> Doing everything we can to further our dreams, from our end (whatever that may be)... is the 1st step ... ..if your spouse is not co-operating with you, onboard in this plight for a better marraige....more difficult decisions...then I think of the Serenity Prayer....changing the things we can, accepting what we can not... and making *peace *with it.
> 
> I don't know that there is any other way...in this life.


Your absolutely right, it is powerful. 

I've spent most of my life alone. I love spending time outside in nature. I have very few friends, however they are close friends. I've never in my life been jealous of others. I've always tried my best to be grateful with what I have. I have a friend who is the jealous type. It's to the point of being unhealthy. She is never happy because she focuses on what she doesn't have and it's eating her emotionally. It's emotionally draining as a friend. It's to the point where she cyber stalks my families and my FB page. She tells me who I can and can't have as friends right down to the neighbors kids posting on my wall. It's ridiculous to the point of a toxic friendship. She knows more about my daughters bf then I do due to the internet. I'm to the point where I no longer want her as a friend. She tells me that she's jealous of me and my family. If I don't answer the phone, she calls 18 times in an hour. I highly doubt she will find peace.


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## Mom_In-Love

Coffee Amore said:


> We have a great relationship now and it looks that way to outsiders. It didn't come easily or without effort. We've had to make our marriage a priority to get where we are. What's that old saying, anything worth having in life requires effort.


:iagree:

Me and my husband have an amazing relationship and love story that goes on to become better each passing day. I am so proud of what I have hence putting "In-Love" on my name. I would never envy any other relationship out there, I love what I have way too much. 

However, nobody and nothing is perfect in life. You have to put forth effort for the better and the good of anything.


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## Pandakiss

savannah said:


> I see women at work who get calls from their hubby's , who just call to say hello... conversations that don't involve annoyance...
> So I wonder, how is it that some are just lucky to have such great relationships? Granted everyone gets in arguments and what not in a marriage... but to have that kind of relationship where after so many years, you still talk to each other like you just met yesterday, can just make your day...



we have to communicate all day when husband is at work. we are motor mouths, we cant shutup. even in silence there is still communication.

my husbands #1 love language is quality time. we can start a conversation about mowin the grass, which we dont have, and it will into to a movie, to a song, to that thing i wanted to ask you about.

we just so happen to love to hear ourselves talk. ive had guy friends who were silent, i would be just killin it, just chris rock, and marget cho, and dane cook..and i would get a sling smile and grunt..thats funny..

id be out of breath sweating tellin this funny story, and nuthin. im silly, not really funny, but silly, and smart. my husband totally gets me, and i him.

i could not, would not be with someone who didnt have a sense of humor, or didnt laugh. like mandy moore on scrubs...thats soo funny, thats sooo funny, but she didnt laugh.

we do argue, and have "quiet time", but we text all day, we talk over each other, and he always makes me laugh.


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## savannah

Pandakiss said:


> we have to communicate all day when husband is at work. we are motor mouths, we cant shutup. even in silence there is still communication.
> 
> my husbands #1 love language is quality time. we can start a conversation about mowin the grass, which we dont have, and it will into to a movie, to a song, to that thing i wanted to ask you about.
> 
> we just so happen to love to hear ourselves talk. ive had guy friends who were silent, i would be just killin it, just chris rock, and marget cho, and dane cook..and i would get a sling smile and grunt..thats funny..
> 
> id be out of breath sweating tellin this funny story, and nuthin. im silly, not really funny, but silly, and smart. my husband totally gets me, and i him.
> 
> i could not, would not be with someone who didnt have a sense of humor, or didnt laugh. like mandy moore on scrubs...thats soo funny, thats sooo funny, but she didnt laugh.
> 
> we do argue, and have "quiet time", but we text all day, we talk over each other, and he always makes me laugh.


Funny, but we were that way when we first started dating... talkig for hours about nothing... I don't know why but I thought that was HIM... years later, I suppose people change... and things change.

That man I met is a far cry from the man I am with now.


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