# Relationship through lockdown - struggling



## EvelynRose (Jan 12, 2021)

Between March-June in the UK, we're we're under a lot of restrictions and due to a health issue, H was at home for the first 2 months, while I worked from home (Mon-Fri, 8-5). I started to return back to my office once covid-safe measures were put in place, then we heard the news that H could also return to work too (4 on, 4 off, 7-6) which he was thrilled about.

I have suffered with Depression for 22yrs and been on medication for 7yrs - H is fully aware. I use meditation techniques, reflection, body scanning and relaxation tools to keep me right and I manage really well on a day-to-day basis.

Back in mid-June I was beginning to feel lost, anxious, overwhelmingly sad and I wasn't finding any joy in anything - despite using my self-care techniques. So I opened up to H and let him know that I felt my depression was kicking in.

I wasn't expecting what happened next.

(Thank you for sticking with me so far)

The following day H was obviously feeling down and sad - now both of us are supportive of each others mental health; we all have bad days and we know to just leave one another to have some space - so I asked him how he was, just to 'check in', and he started to get really upset.

To cut a long conversation short, here's the summary of what he said:

Didn't know what he wanted anymore
Didn't find me attractive anymore
He said we live in each others pockets too much
I'm a burden on him
I can't go on long rambling walks with him (I have mobility problems and I also hate walking with him because he's always 6ft infront of me, and makes walks longer routes just to annoy me and it's also a trigger from my childhood - another long story - H knows about all of this)
Looking back, I shouldn't have moved counties to be with him (15yrs ago)
We shouldn't have got married

We cried a lot, I comforted him, reminded him that lockdown is tough and yes we have had to spend more together because we couldn't do anything else - but I understand the need for time on our own etc.

The following day (Monday) he left the house at 7am and didn't come back until 6:30pm -I had to work from home, but I really was in no fit state as my anxiety was through the roof and very tearful. I let my line manager know what was happening.

I phoned H at lunchtime to see if he was OK, but he didn't pick up my call. I didnt attempt to contact him again. I had no idea where he'd gone, I was really worried, but daren't try to get hold of him again.

What would you have done?

The situation didn't get much better after this... Lots of conversations, lots of crying, marriage counselling? separation? H refused MC point blank, and his response to separation was 'What's that going to achieve!?'

Needless to say I found myself, not only trying to keep myself from drowning, but also counselling H - I had to point out that I couldn't counsel the both of us.

The next few weeks saw H driving off to countryside/coastal locations on his days off from work - he'd leave the house, I wouldn't hear from him, and he'd return 7hrs later - I was NOT welcome to try to contact him.

The conclusion he drew at this point was that he didn't want to end our relationship and lose everything we had together. So we agreed... although everything that had been said was whirring around in my head - especially what H had said about me - but in his mind this issue was dealt with and closed.

Unfortunately this is, and the pressures at work (Healthcare), led to me thinking about taking my own life - don't worry, I'm OK now and have appropriate services helping me - My Dr encouraged me to tell H. Obviously this was a great shock to him, he said he hadn't realised how ill I was.

He went very quiet, we went to bed, he rejected my hugs and refused to speak to me.

I understood he was just trying to process this information, so I left him alone.
The next morning I told him that this wasn't his fault, that I'm ill and struggling - his reaction was that of relief.
He left the house again for 5hrs... I panicked and called the Samaritans for help - I was catastrophising in my highly anxious state.

I don't expect anyone to 'fix' my situation, I'm trying to do that now with the help of professional counselling, but I'm curious as to how you would have reacted, from either point of view? (If you've managed to read this far without switching off)

I don't have a friendship network to talk to about marriage/relationship issues, so that's why I'm here.

Thank you 🌹


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If he leaves the house for many hours and refuses to say where he goes that is very concenerning and I wouldnt put up with it. Honesty is so important.


----------



## EvelynRose (Jan 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> If he leaves the house for many hours and refuses to say where he goes that is very concenerning and I wouldnt put up with it. Honesty is so important.


It's an unfortunate trait of his... there are times when I've asked him where he's been and he just shrugs his shoulders and says 'Just for a drive' or 'Just out'. Occasionally he'll actually tell me but it's usually an hour or so later.

I've learnt over the years not to ask too many questions and to leave well alone. When we first started dating he laid down the ground rules - if he says he's on his way, then he's on his way, don't call him to see where he is.
However, I can't get away with that - nor would I want to. To me it's just a caring respectful thing to do... you're sharing a life together, what's wrong in letting each other know where you are? 
Yes we each have a separate life too... our work, our respective groups of friends (limited in both cases) It's important to have that... but I feel like things have become so sperate now.
🌹


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

EvelynRose said:


> It's an unfortunate trait of his... there are times when I've asked him where he's been and he just shrugs his shoulders and says 'Just for a drive' or 'Just out'. Occasionally he'll actually tell me but it's usually an hour or so later.
> 
> I've learnt over the years not to ask too many questions and to leave well alone. When we first started dating he laid down the ground rules - if he says he's on his way, then he's on his way, don't call him to see where he is.
> However, I can't get away with that - nor would I want to. To me it's just a caring respectful thing to do... you're sharing a life together, what's wrong in letting each other know where you are?
> ...


You really need to value yourself more as a person.

You've *completely* lowered the bar all the way to the basement and have chosen to have ZERO expectations just to continue hanging onto this snake for dear life.

Is this sorry excuse for a human being REALLY all you think you deserve in life?


----------



## EvelynRose (Jan 12, 2021)

I'm working on this with my counsellor... Turns out I'm like this in many aspects of my life, so I know where you're coming from.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Evelyn Rose, your H sounds like a POS who has no respect for you. Give him what he wants. Start doing the 180 on him. Contact a lawyer and see what your options are. Why wait around till he pulls the same stunt again.
And how do you know he doesn’t have another woman lined up hence all the days away for hours. You need to decide what you want from your life. Do you want a man like this? Maybe it is time you made friends, joined some clubs etc. Start getting your ducks in a row.


----------

