# Am I leading her on?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm divorced and co-parent of a 6 yr old little angel. Recently after a great year of celibacy (after breaking up with ex-GF last Feb), I met someone. She's never been married and a few years younger, no kids. However, after our 3rd date, she's made very clear her intentions and what she's looking for - a relationship, and not going to put out until she gets it.

When I met her I was simply just horny, (still am, we haven't had sex yet), but now I'm on a "fake it till you make it mode". I'm very emotionally guarded and even last GF was my FWB for a while until I decided to give her a shot with a relationship - with horrible results (lost a friend, made me celibate after breaking her heart etc)

Since yesterday her interest in me seems to be quite high and I feel a little smothered, but at the same time I'm so damn horny that I want sex like... ASAP, and looking back it seems my lust is driving me to potentially decieve her in terms of where I stand emotionally with her.

Currently my plan is as mentioned; "fake it till you make it", hence satisfy her emotional needs, even if my feelings for her aren't strong, and at least give her a chance. Besides she hasn't done anything wrong and maybe in time I can reciprocate her feelings honestly yes?

But is this considered leading her on? What should I do?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

You're considering using her for sex on the off chance you might change your mind some day about having a relationship with her? Yes, you're leading her on. And using her. And being a turd.

This woman has integrity. Let her keep it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, it's not that I'm not interested in her at all, I'm just very guarded, hence it gets confusing whether I'm leading her on or if I'm simply giving her a chance.

It's been a year of celibacy, not used to all this crap anymore. Wasn't even going to call her after I got her number at first... but, 3 dates later, first kiss and all... it's started.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> Well, it's not that I'm not interested in her at all, I'm just very guarded, hence it gets confusing whether I'm leading her on or if I'm simply giving her a chance.





RandomDude said:


> looking back it seems my lust is driving me to potentially decieve her in terms of where I stand emotionally with her.
> 
> Currently my plan is as mentioned; "fake it till you make it", hence satisfy her emotional needs, even if my feelings for her aren't strong



I realize it's not a case of you not being interested in her at all. But, it's lust, not true interest, and she's made it quite clear she doesn't want to be used for someone who only lusts after her and isn't at all sure if they want to be emotionally involved. 

Don't be that guy.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So what should I do? After a great date like yesterday I should just let her go?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> So what should I do? After a great date like yesterday I should just let her go?


I think you should continue to try to do things her way. Don't insist on sex after the third date. Wait to see if she's someone you might want a relationship with. If you BOTH decide you do, then have sex. Eventually.

I don't think you're leading her on by continuing to do what you're doing until YOU are sure you want a relationship (you count, too!) and she is, too. You'd be leading her on, and being a turd, if you told her "yes, I want a relationship!" right now when you're not sure, simply to get her in the sack.

You respecting her wishes to wait will go a long way in the long run if it ends up working out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with STA. Date her. Do things with her where you are more in public. That way you give the relationship time to grow or not grow.

Don't use her for sex when you do not know if you want a relationship with her.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

God gave man both a penis and a brain, yet only enough blood to run one at a time.
- Robin Williams


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Stop second guessing yourself and just TALK TO HER about this stuff instead of asking us.

Tell her you're attracted to her and you'd love to have sex, but you don't know her well enough to say if you'd want a longer term relationship yet.

Then she can tell you how she feels about this, and you.

And you can mutually decide how to proceed.

Because pretending to like her on an emotional level in the hopes of having sex with her and then wondering if maybe honest feelings will develop is a guaranteed way to make a solid relationship impossible.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Given my own experiences with men who tried to avoid sex, I think it's a bad sign when a partner does once exclusivity is declared.

On one occassion, I feel like the guy was still in the closet and wanted to stay there. So publicly he acted like the perfect boyfriend, in bed he was a$$.

And with my husband, he avoided sex with me until -- I know now-- he had a showdown with his special friend. In other words, I interpret it that he wanted to keep me around to make her jealous while he could feel guilt free because AT LEAST, he wasn't using me for sex.

The one question that I would advise you to ask, suppose you two break up and you hear from reliable sources that she's having sex with another guy, not married and maybe just started dating. Hmmm, Well, yeah, maybe he's a better soulmate for her than you were.......

And also, don't think that he you can have an "exclusive" relationship with her while you get your sex elsewhere. Get your FB or FWB pi$$ed off, and it might be curtains with your untouchable Fly Girl.

I do know a couple of women who claimed that they were waiting for marriage to have sex. And then went on to become pregnant. One with a fly by night partner (6 months of dating) and now he's fighting for his right to have unsupervised visits with his son.

I am one to believe that Women can choose and ........ so can Men.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> Given my own experiences with men who tried to avoid sex, I think it's a bad sign when a partner does once exclusivity is declared.
> 
> On one occassion, I feel like the guy was still in the closet and wanted to stay there. So publicly he acted like the perfect boyfriend, in bed he was a$$.
> 
> ...


I am not understanding your position here. Are you saying that the woman is in the wrong for withholding sex until she's sure this is a committed relationship?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I am not understanding your position here. Are you saying that the woman is in the wrong for withholding sex until she's sure this is a committed relationship?


Is marriage the only committed relationship available in the western world (I include Australia on that list)?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> However, after our 3rd date, she's made very clear her intentions and what she's looking for - a relationship, and not going to put out until she gets it.


Ah, ok. RD says she's waiting until a committed relationship. Now I agree with that. 

But I was clear myself that waiting until marriage to have sex is a very big mistake.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> Ah, ok. RD says she's waiting until a committed relationship. Now I agree with that.
> 
> But I was clear myself that waiting until marriage to have sex is a very big mistake.


OK, I was very confused because he didn't say that .


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> So what should I do? After a great date like yesterday I should just let her go?


Absolutely! If she's that great let her go before you're the guy who makes her the guarded one. She's told you she wants a relationship, but have you told her your not looking for anything serious, that your just "horny"? If your that hard up, go back to the dating pool and look for casual relationships or looking for intimate encounters. Your idea of "faking it till you make it" is equivalent to using her.

Let her go find someone who has the same relationship goals, while you do the same.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

always_hopefull said:


> Your idea of "faking it till you make it" is equivalent to using her.


This.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I visited my single friend. She'd been crushing on a guy, they'd shared a few dates, there was flirtation. Although they had known one another for a time. A gentle crescendo was building. She's not wanting casual sex and been celibate for a while. She's aware he has a high libido and has been casually dating/ONS. He was meant to come out to dinner with us. My friend was excited for me to meet him. They'd confirmed a week before and again that morning. In the final hour he cancelled as he had a 'dinner date'. Her disappointment was obvious but she wasn't surprised. 

We had a fabulous dinner the two of us and then unexpectedly ended up at karaoke. She said she hadn't laughed so much in a long time. As for the guy, eh, she dusted herself off and moved on. He attempted to meet up a different time but she called it for what it is; they're in different places and best to let it go. She also knows she deserves better than to be cancelled on last minute, even as a friend.


Get right with yourself, keep it casual if that's what you want. She'll move on.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Well, it's not that I'm not interested in her at all, I'm just very guarded, hence it gets confusing whether I'm leading her on or if I'm simply giving her a chance.
> 
> It's been a year of celibacy, not used to all this crap anymore. Wasn't even going to call her after I got her number at first... but, 3 dates later, first kiss and all... it's started.


Confusing for _you_ or confusing for _her_? It sounds like you don't know whether you're in it or not. I think since you're both adults, you owe it to her to lay all your cards on the table. If you don't get that "hell, yes!" reaction to her, I'm wondering why you are still dating her. If it's really that you just want someone to sleep with, she's not that person, and has made that clear already.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I don't see this ending well. If you lie and convince her to sleep with you and realize you can't indeed "fake it til you make it" you'll officially be _that guy. _ If you do manage to "fake it til you make it" your relationship at it's foundation will still be based on a form of deceit that will likely come out at some point.

Didn't you break up with the last FWB because of complications with moving to fast with your daughter etc? Why is that different this time? Because of your level of horniness?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Stop second guessing yourself and just TALK TO HER about this stuff instead of asking us.
> 
> Tell her you're attracted to her and you'd love to have sex, but you don't know her well enough to say if you'd want a longer term relationship yet.
> 
> ...


This.

At the very least, this. If all the cards are on the table, and everything's out in the open, you both can make an informed decision. She may say no, that's not what she wants and that'll be it. Or she'll appreciate your honesty and take a chance. Either way, you gave her the choice.

But if you feign interest in a relationship just to get her to have sex, that is such a low act...don't be that guy mate.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Poll results are balanced with mixed opinions it seems, however, based on the replies it seems the right thing to do comes down to honesty and transparency, no way around it...

Looks like our 4th date is going to be very unromantic with all the "oh btw, I'm as guarded as the walls of Jericho!" crap, and I would question our compatibility even more if we are to be sexless for a long time. I dunno, I'll have to find our her expectations/boundaries in regards to that, she did shoot me down with sex on 2nd date, yet asked me out for our 3rd date. I was actually going to assume she's after me for money (I spent alot on 2nd date) but she paid for our 3rd date out of her own pocket, which was a good sign.

*sigh* I dunno


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> erest in me seems to be quite high What should I do?


Give it 3 days to a week.
Then when you notice she completely loses interest in you again, you'll realise she doesn't actually _like_ you, you were just safe and nearby when she was ovulating.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Dude: She has a rather good-looking, young, firm body and she's knowingly flaunting it at you!

My impression is that she knows that she's got you pegged and until such time that you put that expensive engagement ring on her finger, you're going to be lucky as hell to even cop an occasional feel!

Having said that, I'd recommend your moving on! I just get the inate feeling that even if you married her, the "whoopee" would be good for a short while, but once your nose finally healed up from that ring that she would put in it, things would eventually dry up much like the Salton Sea! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

She is expecting declarations before you guys are even intimate?


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *Dude: She has a rather good-looking, young, firm body and she's knowingly flaunting it at you!
> 
> My impression is that she knows that she's got you pegged and until such time that you put that expensive engagement ring on her finger, you're going to be lucky as hell to even cop an occasional feel!
> 
> ...



Hmm I don't agree with this. I don't think she's trying to manipulate him into marrying her. Not everyone is into casual sex and that's ok. She's actually smart if you ask me. Based on HIS post, I can tell that as soon as he has sex with her, he's going to try to make her his new fwb since that's what he wants. 

RD, you should be honest with her and stop thinking with your little brain so much. If you don't want a relationship be honest no matter how hot she is or how horny you are. If you're looking for a woman to quench your thirst, go look for one who is looking for the same thing. 


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

Leading.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think that you hardly know her and she hardly knows you and it's pretty normal to not want to have sex straight out of the gate. If you are only dating her to get sex, then you're wasting her time. If you think there is some possibility of a relationship developing, then keep dating and see what happens imo.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, before we started dating I actually only approached her bc I wanted to see if I still had it after a year of celibacy, wasn't even going to call her but decided to anyway just to see if she gave me the right number which turns out she did. As I didn't want to be an ass and get her number only to turn her down for a date so I went out with her, and our first date was pretty meh, like, nothing sparky, and she didn't text me after so I assumed it was going to be our first and last date. 

Then she called me a few days later, so I figured, no spark, why would she call - perhaps for just sex? So I arranged our second date, and I made my move for sex that night, and she rejected... which was a tad awkward. Anyway I again assumed it was going to be our last date, then she called and asked me out, and we had our third date, finally found common ground and a spark, and got to know each other alot better than previous 2 dates, and kissed.

She's not the type of girl I'm used to, but we both have similar passions and seem to be on the same wavelength in several things - which makes her potentially relationship material. Also, she's the first woman I've kissed on horseback, so she's already made history... whether I like it or not. In that, she's worth a shot no? That's what she has going for her, but on the other hand... even though shes only a few years younger than me I'm divorced and a father, she doesn't have a clue and we're on very different stages of life relationship/family-wise and career-wise.

But yeah... I'll be transparent on our next date in regards to where she stands.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> Well, before we started dating I actually only approached her bc I wanted to see if I still had it after a year of celibacy, wasn't even going to call her but decided to anyway just to see if she gave me the right number which turns out she did. As I didn't want to be an ass and get her number only to turn her down for a date so I went out with her, and our first date was pretty meh, like, nothing sparky, and she didn't text me after so I assumed it was going to be our first and last date.
> 
> Then she called me a few days later, so I figured, no spark, why would she call - perhaps for just sex? So I arranged our second date, and I made my move for sex that night, and she rejected... which was a tad awkward. Anyway I again assumed it was going to be our last date, then she called and asked me out, and we had our third date, finally found common ground and a spark, and got to know each other alot better than previous 2 dates, and kissed.
> 
> ...


How do you "make a move for sex" on the second date when you didn't even kiss her until the third date? I mean, what's your move and you really thought she was calling you just for a booty call after one date? I'm very confused about the dynamic going on here.

Also, this statement says to me the two of you are NOT compatible: even though shes only a few years younger than me I'm divorced and a father, she doesn't have a clue and we're on very different stages of life relationship/family-wise and career-wise.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

She doesn't know that you're divorced and have a daughter?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah I know, was rather stupid of me, but I simply couldn't get a handle around the type of woman she was until 3rd date. It's been a while for me, I can be forgiven some moments of stupidity here and there no?

Us being at different life stages is a major worry, same problem I had with ex-GF and we all know how that lasted. Still, I see more potential in my new lady friend from 3 dates than I saw with my ex-GF/FWB for a year. So... all of this is very confusing for me, in regards to what to do. Not everyday there's actually chemistry... even if it took a few pages for the book to get started - if you know what I mean. On the surface she's very hard to read, and alot more intelligent than she puts on.

As for my daughter, yes she knows, however she isn't bothered by it. I'm bothered by it, most likely bc of ex-GF, in the end they simply can't understand parenthood unless they are one. She has a little sister but that's it.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Stop second guessing yourself and just TALK TO HER about this stuff instead of asking us.
> 
> Tell her you're attracted to her and you'd love to have sex, but you don't know her well enough to say if you'd want a longer term relationship yet.
> 
> ...


I like this. She seems to have no problem telling you her expectations and limits. So she'd be probably be open to you being forthcoming.

It's hard to date and move into a relationship when you feel as if you have baggage. But if you enter a relationship with ANY woman, your history is going to become part of the package. 

Somewhere I read that the trick to finding a new and lasting relationship is finding someone whose Samsonite is a matching set to yours.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

spinsterdurga said:


> She doesn't know that you're divorced and have a daughter?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


OP, I was also wondering what you mean by she "doesn't have a clue." She doesn't have a clue you're divorced and have a daughter? Or in general?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> in the end they simply can't understand parenthood unless they are one


I agree. It's why I would not date someone who isn't a parent. I've had a bad experience with that for the reason you stated.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

joannacroc said:


> OP, I was also wondering what you mean by she "doesn't have a clue." She doesn't have a clue you're divorced and have a daughter? Or in general?


She's young, unmarried with no kids. So I don't expect her to understand my marital past or parental responsibilities. She's not bothered by it sure, but I consider that more of a sign of naivete than anything else.



SecondTime'Round said:


> I agree. It's why I would not date someone who isn't a parent. I've had a bad experience with that for the reason you stated.


Which makes the whole damn thing complex, because at the same time, despite being a single parent myself I can't see myself dating another single parent! So I'm screwed either way.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> She's young, unmarried with no kids. So I don't expect her to understand my marital past or parental responsibilities. She's not bothered by it sure, but I consider that more of a sign of naivete than anything else.
> 
> 
> 
> Which makes the whole damn thing complex, because at the same time, despite being a single parent myself I can't see myself dating another single parent! So I'm screwed either way.


I agree, it's naivete. She would have no clue what she'd be getting herself into. Ignorance is bliss! 

Why are you opposed to dating a single parent? Is it because you don't want to be a step-father someday?


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Which makes the whole damn thing complex, because at the same time, despite being a single parent myself I can't see myself dating another single parent! So I'm screwed either way.





RandomDude said:


> Since yesterday her interest in me seems to be quite high and I feel a little smothered, but at the same time I'm so damn horny that I want sex like... ASAP, and looking back it seems my lust is driving me to potentially decieve her in terms of where I stand emotionally with her.


Are you sure your relationship material at this point? Not meaning to be harsh, but you seem more naive than this "young" woman, who herself seems to have a good grasp of what she wants and doesn't. However, you aren't sure your ready for a relationship, you don't know how to handle women who aren't willing to share her body with just anyone. By your own admission you are being driven solely by your libido.

I'm a woman who won't have sex with a guy until we're committed, soley because I value myself. I believe the most important thing I have to offer is myself and I hold value in the fact I don't sleep around. I'm not knocking anyone who does, we all have our views, but for me physical intimacy is about trust. I'm also in healthcare and am very aware of STI's and the fact many people are less forthcoming when they don't ever expect to see you again. It's the old "well someone did it to me" adage.

From what I've read in many of your posts you need to figure out you first. Your thoughts and wants are so jumbled up your able to talk yourself into a quandary when it's a simple question. I strongly suggest you get some IC and work on you before you add another dynamic to your already apparently stressful life.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

always_hopefull said:


> Are you sure your relationship material at this point? Not meaning to be harsh, but you seem more naive than this "young" woman, who herself seems to have a good grasp of what she wants and doesn't. However, you aren't sure your ready for a relationship, you don't know how to handle women who aren't willing to share her body with just anyone. By your own admission you are being driven solely by your libido.
> 
> 
> 
> From what I've read in many of your posts you need to figure out you first. Your thoughts and wants are so jumbled up your able to talk yourself into a quandary when it's a simple question. I strongly suggest you get some IC and work on you before you add another dynamic to your already apparently stressful life.



I completely agree with you. RD, I'm not sure you've healed from the trauma---for lack of better words-- of your relationship with your X wife. You seem all over the place. Sometimes, you come across as someone who is leaving in the future instead of the present. I'm wondering whether you're unconsciously sabotaging this "relationship "


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> *Dude: She has a rather good-looking, young, firm body and she's knowingly flaunting it at you!
> 
> My impression is that she knows that she's got you pegged and until such time that you put that expensive engagement ring on her finger, you're going to be lucky as hell to even cop an occasional feel!
> 
> ...


I beg to differ on this, there are many woman who are just trying to avoid being used by men for casual sex. They view intimacy as something special and to be shared between to people who are committed to each other. For me, it's a trust issue, the most precious item I have is myself, my body, my life. I wouldn't loan out my car to a stranger, so why would I loan out my body? 

I'm also in healthcare, I know a little too much about communicable diseases. I met a man, I was very open about being in a sexually exclusive relationship. Over two months in I found out he's "dating" anyone he could find. When I mentioned to him my sexual exclusivity requirements, he said he "thought that only meant me". As such, I've resigned my relationship goals as committed relationship with sexual exclusively. I've also found the couple of men I did sleep with sooner than later, all bailed.

In summary there are many women who like sex and actually enjoy the connection with another, they're just more "selective" of who they share it with.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Dating another single parent is something that is just unwise for me, I had an earlier thread about it, and quite frankly it's something that I've never been able to overcome. Yet dating someone without kids is also unwise, so yeah, I'm fked.

As for trauma/being ready/etc:

Not really ex-wife, not anymore anyway, actually it's all the women in my life in general, recent one being ex-GF/FWB, I lost a really good friend there and breaking her heart drove me to celibacy. I'm all over the place because I am no longer sure if relationships are my cup of tea. I was enjoying my celibate serenity for a year, avoiding dating and sex no matter the opportunity... except as it turns out I can't hide from my own desires forever. Rusty and sloppy as hell now after being out of the game for so long too, though it could be worse. So no, I'm not ready, true. If my current date didn't keep calling me, I would have just disappeared after the 1st or 2nd dates.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> How do you "make a move for sex" on the second date when you didn't even kiss her until the third date? I mean, what's your move and you really thought she was calling you just for a booty call after one date? I'm very confused about the dynamic going on here.


HAHAHA... I was wondering the same EXACT thing.

Please don't tell me you just "whipped it out" @RandomDude LOL.

That happens a lot in the modern dating world, so I've been told.

I don't know how else you escalate to initiate sex without kissing first.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Right now I want two things in my life that contradict each other, one is companionship, the other is serenity.

For the former, I've been trying to rid of that desire, and I was successful in that for a year, but it seems I slipped in the end. Now she's reminding of me everything that deep down inside I still want

For the latter, I have almost everything I want in my life, and I've come to be very content in single daddyhood, and without the dramas that come with relationships or even in a casual relationship

@BetrayedDad

Was a simple touch to her thigh, I always start innocently and go from there. She stopped me and that was that.

At that time I still didn't get a handle on the type of woman she was, not to mention I'm really rusty so yeah, it was embarrassing. Quit rubbing it in -.-


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> At that time I still didn't get a handle on the type of woman she was, not to mention I'm really rusty so yeah, it was embarrassing. Quit rubbing it in -.-


Hahaha

That first move is always the most awkward. I'm with you, bro.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Dating another single parent is something that is just unwise for me.



Why is it unwise for you to date a single parent? Do you feel like a hypocrite? Is that why you're trying to push your new lady friend away by overthinking? 




RandomDude said:


> As for trauma/being ready/etc:
> 
> Not really ex-wife, not anymore anyway, actually it's all the women in my life in general, recent one being ex-GF/FWB, I lost a really good friend there and breaking her heart drove me to celibacy.



How did you break her heart? Sorry I'm not familiar with your story with her.

I used to read your main thread about your X wife. I'm surprised that you healed without counseling. 

Anyway, you come across as scared to love again.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Dating another single parent is something that is just unwise for me, I had an earlier thread about it, and quite frankly it's something that I've never been able to overcome. Yet dating someone without kids is also unwise, so yeah, I'm fked.
> 
> As for trauma/being ready/etc:
> 
> Not really ex-wife, not anymore anyway, actually it's all the women in my life in general, recent one being ex-GF/FWB, I lost a really good friend there and breaking her heart drove me to celibacy. I'm all over the place because I am no longer sure if relationships are my cup of tea. I was enjoying my celibate serenity for a year, avoiding dating and sex no matter the opportunity... except as it turns out I can't hide from my own desires forever. Rusty and sloppy as hell now after being out of the game for so long too, though it could be worse. So no, I'm not ready, true. If my current date didn't keep calling me, I would have just disappeared after the 1st or 2nd dates.


One thing's for sure: you're all over the place.

You're not ready for a relationship, because you don't even know if you want one at all.

Date casually until then. Be honest with her. Expect her to dump you at any moment, because she probably is looking for someone who's at a different place.

Get to a place where you can at least say whether you want to be in a relationship, and what that means to you, before you decide to move forward.

When you're stable, having a conversation that sounds like "woman, I think you're great and if I were in a place where I wanted to be in a committed relationship, you're the kind of person it would be with. In the meantime, I'd like to date you knowing that means it's not going to become a sexual relationship until you're ready. That being said, I find you blindingly attractive, so I apologize in advance for being tempted to act on that attraction."


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I am a hypocrite yes, but I dislike the term when describing my feelings in regards to single parent dating, it insinuates that being a single parent is bad. I would be offending myself and other single parents by using that term. I simply can't stand anyone else's kids either than my own, who I've raised since she was a babe. It is my problem alone.

Not really trying to push my new lady friend away, she's just turning on a few too many rusted old machines that I retired in the shed, and now I'm trying to keep them all from blowing up.

As for ex-GF I dumped her prior to V-day last year, for various reasons, main one being that I tried, but could not fall in love with her, and had to let her go, even if it meant doing it near V-day. Scared to love? More scared of being loved actually. Even in a casual relationship I wasn't safe from it, ex-GF fell for me while we were FWBs even before I decided to give us a shot. I had good reason to go celibate or so I thought.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Anyway this is starting to become a little too much too soon.

I'm just going to spit it out on our next date, if she reckons its best we don't go forward, and end on a good note, then yay, probably for the best. 
Chances are we're done, date 1 and 2 sucked, only date 3 was good, now date 4 is going to be all about "guess what lady? I'm not ready for a relationship"

Meh, getting tired of dealing with this sh-t, going to clean my hands of this mess and pretend it never happened


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## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

I know you are going to wash your hands free of this

But the honest answer is yes and inside you know that. 

I would find any man who did this to me to be of low character or too confused about himself to be dating material. 

There are a plethora of women who will satisfy your lust. Do not try to turn a women who is not into that scene into one of those women. You may leave satisfied, she will leave feeling like a part of herself and her morals were taken away. 

Dating is for yourself, but you are dealing with other people. You will be able to hold your head higher if you deal with those people with character and honesty.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> What should I do?


Listen to some Georgia Satellites (or is that Black Crows?).

If you really like her, respect her wishes and take lots of cold showers. It's worth it, especially if you do manage to wait.. because she is going to explode when she finally is ready!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks guys for helping me see a clearer picture, I think this thread has finished its course however.

Regardless of what happens the next time we see each other, I think it's quite clear I'm not ready, and if she wishes to continue I'm going to let her know I am no longer interested. I can't waste more time on this, enough is enough.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> Thanks guys for helping me see a clearer picture, I think this thread has finished its course however.
> 
> Regardless of what happens the next time we see each other, I think it's quite clear I'm not ready, and if she wishes to continue I'm going to let her know I am no longer interested. I can't waste more time on this, enough is enough.


RD, as you get older, and your daughter gets older (i.e. 10-15 years from now), I think you might change your mind about dating a single mom. Maybe once you're at the age where you'd be dating someone with kids out of the house, or at least self sufficient and out of your hair all the time, you'll probably find it easier since you don't like little kids that aren't yours. (Some people don't.) Or, if you do find someone single with no kids, look in the early to mid thirties range. Maybe someone who wants to have kids (if you want more). Stay away from girls in their twenties. They have no clue if they're ready to be a step mom.


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