# Conflict resolution and firmness



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I've noticed a few men here have wives who are well... strong in the head so to speak, how to be firm with them while still showing care during conflicts? Your opinions would be appreciated in this regard, no matter the differences.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> I've noticed a few men here have wives who are well... strong in the head so to speak, how to be firm with them while still showing care during conflicts? Your opinions would be appreciated in this regard, no matter the differences.



Personal Boundaries http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/14963-boundaries-men.html


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

I get VERY emotional during arguments. My boyfriend is the opposite; he kind of shuts down, very calm but lots of sighing, eye rolling, etc. I basically get mad enough to call him out on those behaviors, then he gets mad enough to duke it out with me. Not exactly the healthiest conflict resolution haha. But we always work it out, and never go to sleep angry.

My advice would be, don't do anything passive aggressive. If she wants to yell, don't stand there and pout or roll your eyes--trust me, it will just make her more mad! Either be calm or be aggressive, not that half-***ed passive aggressive stage. I view it as too emotional to be calm, but too chicken to fight. It's kind of a sign of malicious weakness. That's just how it is for me though, so it's different for every relationship. But picking a behavior and owning it, rather than straddling the fence, is almost always a good strategy.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@AFEH

Yes I've read that, one of my N.U.T.S. is my faith for example - which was disrespected before. But how to deal with nutcrackers themselves - without being too harsh?

@Lime

That's not exactly unhealthy actually (in my opinion), I still remember my first gf and I were both very aggressive, but we never left anything overnight either. Always resolved.

That relationship in this case is better then the missus and I's conflict resolution... silent treatments, complaints to friends, social manipulations, games, festering feelings, etc etc... it's, complicated. "Nice but firm" gets a little lost here.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> @AFEH
> 
> Yes I've read that, one of my N.U.T.S. is my faith for example - which was disrespected before. But how to deal with nutcrackers themselves - without being too harsh?



Be totally intolerant?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

-.O

I'm not getting you here


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Spanking?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> -.O
> 
> I'm not getting you here


If a woman was cracking my nuts or any of my N.U.T.s. I’d be totally intolerant of it. I can’t see any other way of doing it.

N.U.T.s. are not negotiable! The very essence of them is part of the definition who you are as a person deep inside of you. If you negotiate your N.U.T.s. you are negotiating who you are as a person at your very core. And by doing that we negotiate away who we were meant to be. Doesn’t exactly lead to a fulfilling life.

Of course there is negotiation and compromise within a marriage. Your N.U.T.s. are your “bottom line”. The point at which you will stop the negotiation and compromise.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

AFEH said:


> If a woman was cracking my nuts or any of my N.U.T.s. I’d be totally intolerant of it. I can’t see any other way of doing it.
> 
> N.U.T.s. are not negotiable! The very essence of them is part of the definition who you are as a person deep inside of you. If you negotiate your N.U.T.s. you are negotiating who you are as a person at your very core. And by doing that we negotiate away who we were meant to be. Doesn’t exactly lead to a fulfilling life.
> 
> Of course there is negotiation and compromise within a marriage. Your N.U.T.s. are your “bottom line”. The point at which you will stop the negotiation and compromise.


So - you basically say "this is it - take it or leave it"?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Spanking?



Yes. Expression of N.U.T.s. is much better carried out with humour and a lightness.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So it's pretty much laying down some ground rules eh?

Hell I wonder if we're ready to talk about this so soon after meh...
But then again, she's so nice and softy and cute and cuddly now (she'll harden within the week - I know her, but I guess might as well armor her myself with a few 'holes' this time...)


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> I've noticed a few men here have wives who are well... strong in the head so to speak, how to be firm with them while still showing care during conflicts? Your opinions would be appreciated in this regard, no matter the differences.


My wife, classic example.

Conflict, fitness testing, strong opinions, intellectually sharp as a razor, so in conflict, all ducks MUST be in a row or she WILL expose the out of line duck and go for the throat.

So these tings for starters:

1. USE HUMOR.

2. Be consistent. 

3. Demonstrate actions and behavior and attitude to back up words. Words alone, not going to cut it.

4. Sift "fitness tests" and separate these from legitimate issues. In fact, any shame tactics, guilt trips, pouting, emotional appeals, and yes "fitness tests", these things sift and deal with or dismiss these appropriately and WITHOUT being overly distracted by such tings. 

5. Deal with legitimate issues straight up and brutally honest, and have a plan or at least frame the beginnings of a plan. Such a woman, in conflict, is going to want to see her man has the situation under control. This lays a calm foundation for both of you to work tings out and minimizes amount of nonsense "number 4" items above.

6. Finally, for yourself and any other man reading this, recognize the true opportunities that flows from conflict between the man and woman in sexual relationship, and embrace this conflict. 

Men, conflict simply IS the opportunity to demonstrate to your woman the mettle you are made of.

Sexual tension, it FLOWS from this conflict as water will flow from a spring. 

My opinion, the more headstrong is the woman, the greater the reward in the end!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> So - you basically say "this is it - take it or leave it"?



Well that’s what I did but no way is that the right way for anyone else. I had my reasons. At the end of the day I just wasn’t prepared to compromise who I am anymore. Plus no dependent children. Plus decades of marriage and I knew I had to force change or things would forever be the same etc. etc.

But. I think if you actually right down all the N.U.T.s. you can conceive of and really determine which ones you are totally prepared not to negotiate it will get right to the heart of your problems in your marriage. As it will if for wife if she does the same thing. But you can’t “expect” that of her, although it would be very good for both of you.

Some of your N.U.T.s. may need working on with your wife, evolving over time as you both work together to give her time to “readjust” to the “new you”.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@BigBadWolf

Haha you know this duel very well! Just when I thought I have all my bases covered too, wham... parry and thrust. Number 3 it seems I will need to be working on specifically.



> My opinion, the more headstrong is the woman, the greater the reward in the end!


Aye, pain in the ass to handle at times however, VERY taxing on energy, but I think I've just been lazy really. I needed a wakeup call.


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## Zammo (Aug 9, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Aye, pain in the ass to handle at times however, VERY taxing on energy, but I think I've just been lazy really. I needed a wakeup call.


This is the _work _of marriage that everyone keeps talking about but very rarely understands.

For a husband, it's being the alpha and maintaining one's backbone through all the fitness testing, emotional manipulation, etc. It's part of the "man up" concept.

For a wife, it's being desireable physically, resisting the urge to fitness test and to be emotionally manipulative by being pleasant and happy despite the trials, tribulations, and minutae that life presents. It's part of the "put on your big girl panties" concept.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Aye


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I was fighting a lot with my husband at the beginning of our marriage. I used to have a very bad temper. I used to scream and yell when I fought. I was very stubborn and I had a strong personality. But now I am just a sheep in front of my husband. 

His method:

If you want her to be rational, you be rational first.

If you want her to apologize, you have to apologize when you are wrong. 

If you want her to work on herself, you need to work on yourself too after she mentions. 

If you don't want her to scream or yell, you don't scream or yell. 

We don't give each other silent treatment, my personality doesn't allow this, he knows that silent treatment is very bad. He would stay up all night to get me calm down, one time I just wouldn't let go, I was upset with him till 3 AM, he was very tired, he was at his wits end, he had tears in his eyes, I softened after I saw the tears, I realized that I was unreasonable. I went to his arms and we forgot what we were fighting for. 

After every fight, he gained more respect from me, because I really see the nice and calm side of him. He isn't rude to me, he isn't hot tempered to me, he isn't sarcastic to me, he just wants to resolve the misunderstanding. Usually we fight, it is because of some misunderstanding, it is usually me who start the fight. 

Now I just don't fight with him anymore, because I know I don't like to be miserable, no one feels great when you fight. heavy chest, heavy breathing. And I know, it is me who have to work on myself, not him, because he is rarely bothered by me. When I am not behaving properly, he just tells me and lets me know, he doesn't get upset with me. He doesn't spoil me. He doesn't put up with me. He doesn't let me think I am always right. Quite the opposite, when we talk, he disagrees with me very often. He is not a yes man!

I am with a mild and firm man, but I myself is also a reasonable woman.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Use humor to solve problems! 

Yes. 

This happened while we first started dating...........

One time I was upset with him because he didn't answer my phone or reply my message, just his personality. 

When he came to pick me up to go to a restaurant, I was very upset, my face was sullen , I wanted to break up with him, I didn't even want to touch him on his scooter, I wanted to break up with him. 

During the meal, I was still upset, I didn't want to talk much. Then don't what happened, he suddenly said: Harder..............Harder.................

I went blush right away, what he did quite surprised me, it was the word I used in our sex the week before! 

I became sweet to him right away....................strange, me or him!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

BBW,
This is pitch perfect. The whole thing. But my favorite part is highlighted below. And I think you have made it clear - but I will emphasize something important. 
- sometimes my "mettle" is in being clever and funny while getting her to realize she is being difficult or impossible
- sometimes it is by realizing quickly that I screwed up at which point I humbly apologize and if it makes sense promise to handle the situation in question in a specific/constructive way if it comes up again. This promise of specific positive future behavior is just as important as the apology. Maybe more so. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Men, conflict simply IS the opportunity to demonstrate to your woman the mettle you are made of.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>




BigBadWolf said:


> My wife, classic example.
> 
> Conflict, fitness testing, strong opinions, intellectually sharp as a razor, so in conflict, all ducks MUST be in a row or she WILL expose the out of line duck and go for the throat.
> 
> ...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Humor is great when I'm actually in the mood for it, that also goes with sweet-talking my way out of whatever mess she conjures up.



> If you want her to work on herself, you need to work on yourself too after she mentions.


She told me that I have too high expectations of her at times (after our little 'kaboom'), and that she's not perfect and I should help her with her failings too (question is how?) - but I think the answer is right there.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

I am firm/determined to stay on the subject of a current conflict in order to resolve it.

The reason I am huge on this is because I've seen many couples (including my parents) that while they were fighting about one thing they were dragging in other issues from their past quarrels. That way the conflict escalates and nothing really gets resolved.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> The reason I am huge on this is because I've seen many couples (including my parents) that while they were fighting about one thing they were dragging in other issues from their past quarrels.


That happens all the freakin' time >.<


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

> > The reason I am huge on this is because I've seen many couples (including my parents) that while they were fighting about one thing they were dragging in other issues from their past quarrels. That way the conflict escalates and nothing really gets resolved.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


See, what I saw happening was dragging in issues from the past quarrels to the current quarrel. The current issue never does get resolved, because people end up fighting for the sake of fighting really, people end up dumping their ugly emotions at each other (purging their emotions) until they are done with it and walk away, disgusted of each other. Then ensues a few silent days or silent weeks sometimes.. then everything goes back to "normal", until the next fight. When again, unresolved issues are being dragged in. Unless one stays focused on the objective (resolution of the CURRENT conflict), nothing gets resolved. Otherwise - catch-22 is it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Interesting, think I'll keep this in mind as well.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Forgot to add.. over the years, the "silent" periods get longer, while the "normal" get shorter. It's also much easier to spoil for a fight.

Granted, it is not easy to stay on target. Sometimes I really itch to reference something from the "past". All for the sake of referencing, but there you have it.

Also this focus on the issue at hand, I think, should be mutually agreed on and practiced by both parties in order for it to work :/


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Also this focus on the issue at hand, I think, should be mutually agreed on and practiced by both parties in order for it to work


I think I'll bring this up actually, sooner or later, maybe a bit later... the missus is currently already getting suspicious where I'm getting all this info from... >.<!


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

im a very strong woman, and dont take guff or back down from anything.

that said my husband just puts a little base in his voice, and gives me a look, it the one where there is no room for question of weather or not it was done.

i think it also comes down to, who wants to be the bigger person, and stop engageing with someone who isnt listening.

NUTS, is close to happy or right.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Attempt #28127393, code name "Operation Stubborn Wifey"...

So far, no conflict, issue in question is recurring, negotiations fruitless... time to dig in and just wait for propaganda leaflets (in the form of real estate magazines) in the hopes that the opposition will surrender.

Well, at least no conflict yes? Too soon to initiate another fight, bah!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

The W and I do fight from time to time (not too often, fortunately!), but while we don't really have set "rules", we:
1)Never resort to name calling. Name calling is like hitting-means you lost control.
2)Try to keep our voices down and talk about it in a calm manner. We don't go for yelling too much.
3) No bringing up the past-one fight at a time, please!
4) Try to find a solution, rather than who's to blame.
5) And, if it feels that the situation is getting out of hand, we go to our corners and come back to it after we cooled off. I don't know why, but it seems we always make much better progress during "Round 2"!


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