# devastated



## oxygene (Oct 2, 2015)

Last night my worst nightmare came true.

From the beginning, I have been married to my wife for 4 years, together for 10. We have 2 gorgeous children (3 and 6). I have a very demanding career which I've worked hard for, sometimes involving late nights/very early starts at the office. My wife is a stay at home mum who regularly arranges play dates and coffee mornings to keep herself and the kids busy (my youngest is 3 so at home with her most of the time). One of her regular meet ups is with her "step cousins" wife (cousin by marriage on my wife's fathers wide), although to make it easier we will refer to him as C.

A couple of months ago C starting sending my wife messages, started innocently but got progressively flirtatious, I would come home from work and my wife would show me and we'd laugh about it. During the course of their conversations he confessed to my wife that he doesn't love his partner, and he regularly uses swinger sites to hook up with other women, and he sent my wife the link to his profile. Again my wife told me about it when I got home and we laughed about it, both saying how unfair it is on his wife that he does that to her and their kids.

I told my wife that maybe she should stop talking to him in case it all come outs that he's been playing away, and she wouldn't want to be somehow stuck in the middle if it came to light that she knew what was going on.that was fine.

Then one night my wife went out with some "friends" at the end of a long week, I rushed home from work to care for our 2 kids whilst my wife got ready, whilst she was out I was on the iPad, and noticed in the safari history that she'd spent alot of time browsing a swinger site, followed a link and took me to a page she had set up.... on this particular site you can "endorse" people and give them reviews. She had a review from C, and she had reviewed C in returned, was very detailed. I confronted her when she came home and she told me it was just fun and nothing had actually happened. I asked her "I trust you 100%, tell me the truth, has anything happened", "no, I'd never do that to you or our family, I love you" she replied.

I told her I didn't like what I saw on the site but I believed her, I mean I love her with all my heart and had no reason to think she'd actually cheat on me.

Over the next few weeks I noticed a change in my wife's behaviour, started meeting up with alot of friends for nights out, which I don't mind at all, and she started getting very possessive over her phone. We had a family weekend away last week and quite accidently I saw her taking photos of herself whilst in the bath whilst I was in the other room playing with the kids, I asked her what she was doing, and she tells me she was just being silly, and lots of people take pics like that and keep them to themselves. I knew it was strange but I just accepted it.

My suspicions grew whilst at work and I kept thinking that it was all in my head and I was going crazy. Just to put my mind at rest I checked the swingers site she was on previously, her profile was gone, I checked Cs profile, and he had a new "endorsement"... linked to a profile that clearly had new pictures of my wife on it... inside I was going crazy but again thought it as probably "innocent".

Over the next couple of days I didn't say anything to my wife, going over all the little signs I'd seen that indicated that something wasn't quite right. I tried to be normal but I couldn't be, snapping alot at her, my suspicions were eating away at me and I convinced myself it was all in my head and she'd never break my heart, thing is we've always had such a strong relationship and in a millions years I never thought she'd do something like that to me.

Then last night; not being able to deal with it any longer I decided to bluff, I waiting until the kids went to bed and confronted her and told her I knew everything. She burst into tears and admitted she'd been having an affair with C. She's blaming it on "a mid life crisis" (she's 30 soon), told me she doesn't know what she wants and it doesn't feel like the same person anymore. I always said if anyone did this to me I'd leave, and that'd be it, but faced with it I can't bare to lose my children and force them into a broken home, I can't bare to be a weekend dad and lose my family. I cried all night, wife did to. She admitted it's more than sex with him, and that she has feelings for him that she can't turn off. I can't believe what's happened, I thought I could "be a man" in this situation, but I found myself begging her not to rip this family apart, I feel so raw, so numb, I don't know what to do.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

oxygene said:


> Last night my worst nightmare came true.
> 
> From the beginning, I have been married to my wife for 4 years, together for 10. We have 2 gorgeous children (3 and 6). I have a very demanding career which I've worked hard for, sometimes involving late nights/very early starts at the office. My wife is a stay at home mum who regularly arranges play dates and coffee mornings to keep herself and the kids busy (my youngest is 3 so at home with her most of the time). One of her regular meet ups is with her "step cousins" wife (cousin by marriage on my wife's fathers wide), although to make it easier we will refer to him as C.
> 
> ...


You ceased being the man in this relationship long ago. If you want to save your marriage, now's the time to actually do that!!!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Don't beg anymore. Tell C's wife, and expose her affair to all your family and friends. That will help clear up the fog.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your marriage has been ruined beyond repair. Divorce. Heal. Read MMSLP.

Find a new wife.


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

LongWalk said:


> Your marriage has been ruined beyond repair. Divorce. Heal. Read MMSLP.
> 
> Find a new wife.


he is new whats MMSLP!


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## oxygene (Oct 2, 2015)

Googled it, if I understand correctly I need to man up?! It's weird, at work I'm alpha, but maybe I was far too beta at home.

Regardless of what happens, knowing I'm going to break both of Cs legs wth a claw hammer brings me comfort.


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

oxygene said:


> Googled it, if I understand correctly I need to man up?! It's weird, at work I'm alpha, but maybe I was far too beta at home.
> 
> Regardless of what happens, knowing I'm going to break both of Cs legs wth a claw hammer brings me comfort.


*GO GET SOME COUNSELING TODAY!
INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING! NOW!
*

get on a directory call a counselor set up an appointment!
you need professional help.

just putting this out there.
there are many studies show that divorce does not affect the future success of children.
how old are you? i believe you are still young
reaching the "age 30" is not the a point were people feel old.

it is important to find out if wife has "checked out of the marriage!"
her words mean nothing now she could still be in the fog.

This will be a very difficult process for you either reconcile or divorce.
you are not the first. hundreds of thousands have walked this path. you are not alone!

there are book out there start reading. there are also articles.
READ ABOUT 180 - extremely complicated but very very Important to apply.
you may find it hard to do but it has rationales

Last protect your self legally if you can get an attorney see what your options are!

note the more experienced members have not posted yet wait for them!


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## oxygene (Oct 2, 2015)

I'm 30, my wife used her impending 30th birthday as a "crisis" excuse. I don't think I'm old, but I don't want to lose my kids, that's what is ripping me up. I'm begging to stay together not for her but because I want to be a full time dad to my children. 

I lost all trust and affection for her the moment I found out, been replaced with anger. Which may or may not be "normal", I don't know.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

oxygene said:


> I'm 30, my wife used her impending 30th birthday as a "crisis" excuse. I don't think I'm old, but I don't want to lose my kids, that's what is ripping me up. I'm begging to stay together not for her but because I want to be a full time dad to my children.
> 
> I lost all trust and affection for her the moment I found out, been replaced with anger. Which may or may not be "normal", I don't know.


Age 30 is not "mid life." She may be in a "crisis" but it's not a mid life crisis. 

Anger is normal. Just channel it productively (i.e. no claw hammers). 

None of us who are divorced parents want to only parent part time. You're not unique in that feeling. It sucks big time.


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

oxygene said:


> I'm 30, my wife used her impending 30th birthday as a "crisis" excuse. I don't think I'm old, but I don't want to lose my kids, that's what is ripping me up. I'm begging to stay together not for her but because I want to be a full time dad to my children.
> 
> I lost all trust and affection for her the moment I found out, been replaced with anger. Which may or may not be "normal", I don't know.


they say what ever you do "don't beg!" for now! stop begging and seek a counselor. 

read articles about "180"
start reading about recovering or dealing with affairs!

common mistakes. what ever you do.
-Dont leave the house or stay in some apartment (in divorces cases, this is seen as abandoning the family or intent to abandon.)
-Dont ever hit her! (you could be charged with abuse.)
-Dont scream at her! (charged with abuse or domestic violence.)
-Dont tell the children! (charged with parental alienation!.)

again the best thing i could suggest to seek a counselor!

here is a 180 link:
https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

hopefully once the more experience members post here they have better links!


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## oxygene (Oct 2, 2015)

Thank you for the 180 link, gave it a read and will try to adopt the ideas.

I apologise if I appeared to wollow in my own self pity in my original post, I'm not that person normally.

And thank you all for the responses (even the first one because there is some truth in it!), it is kind of reassuring that I'm not the only one, because at the time I found out it really did feel like I was the loneliest person on earth.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

oxygene said:


> Thank you for the 180 link, gave it a read and will try to adopt the ideas.
> 
> I apologise if I appeared to wollow in my own self pity in my original post, I'm not that person normally.
> 
> And thank you all for the responses (even the first one because there is some truth in it!), it is kind of reassuring that I'm not the only one, because at the time I found out it really did feel like I was the loneliest person on earth.


You will find after being here for some time you are far from the only one. Keep posting! So sorry you've found yourself here .


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

P.S. It's going to be hard, but try REALLY hard not to say or do things that go against who you really are and only give her ammo to justify what she'd done. (I'm the perfect example of this.....my temper has gotten the best of me way too many times). Try hard to conduct yourself in a way that allows her ZERO excuse for doing what she's doing. You'll thank yourself in the end. 

Dignity, Self Control.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

The only good news so far is that your wife has started her "Mid-life crisis" at 30, so you have a lot of time to do better if she is unrepentant and you have to get divorced.

And to be clear, "MMSLP" is "Married Man Sex Life", by Athol Kay. It explains how sexual attraction works and how you may, repeat may, be able to fix your situation, if you make yourself a better man.

And at worst you will be a better man after your divorce, so you will be able to attract a better woman.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

There is a way for you to be a full time dad: tell HER to move out!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

oxygene said:


> I asked her "I trust you 100%, tell me the truth, has anything happened", "no,* I'd never do that* to you or our family, I love you" she replied.


Experts say the bolded phrase above is a clear indication of a lie. The use of the word "never" in a future tense is the thing.

Sorry you're here, oxygene.

You're at the beginning of this crisis, so realize you don't have to make any permanent decisions immediately. There is a process you have to stumble through, but the outcome is unknown. You might D, you might reconcile. 

_The process is what is important_. You are right now focusing on an outcome you want, which is to be a full time dad. That's a good thing if it can happen, but a better goal is to be the best dad for your children given the realities of the situation. One of my neighbors is a single father who spent more time with his daughters than most of us married fathers. Your kids need to be raised in the healthiest environment possible, which may not be with married parents.

Don't try to suck it up for your kids. In the end you will be miserable, the marriage will be bad, your wife will cheat again (and again and again), and the kids will learn terrible relationship skills.

The correct path is to seek to determine if you can have a great marriage to this woman in the future. If not, D is a better option for all of you.

You cannot "Nice" your wife back into being a good loving faithful wife. You cannot sweep this under the rug (for the children) and end up with a good happy marriage and family.

Trust the process. You will get to the best possible outcome for your situation.

The process is for you to play hardball with your W. Right now she is sorry she got caught, but probably not really sorry for what she has done to you and the family. False remorse. For the marriage to survive she has to hit rock bottom, like an addict. Don't try to protect her from that painful rock bottom.

1) Require she go completely No Contact with the OM.
2) Require complete transparency in all electronics. You get all passwords to all devices and all accounts. You get instant access to any device upon your demand. And do check all these things.
3) Secretly install a keylogger on the computer or iPad to ensure she has no further contact or secret activities going on.
4) Enable GPS tracking on her phone. With her knowledge and agreement.
5) Install a keylogger of some kind on her phone. This one may be a bit tricky, so do your research to get one that really works and is stealthy.
6) Expose the affair to OM's wife.
7) She should confess to both sets of parents. This is part of her seeing the consequences and feeling the disapproval of others.
8) Talk to a lawyer to be sure you understand how things work legally for separation, divorce, and child custody.
9) Consider a polygraph to find out if she has told you the whole story and to rule out other affairs.
10) File for divorce. Over time I have come to believe this is a powerful tool in the R process. She has to do the work to win you back. She has to prove why you should not divorce her. If you don't file, all she has to do is D- level work. Only enough to keep you from filing for divorce. Filing is a tough thing, so of course we are emotionally desiring to avoid it. So if you don't file now, you will be reluctant to in the future. She will see this as weakness and exploit it. You can stall or stop the D process at any time if she is working hard.
11) Find a good marriage counselor who will not rugsweep the affair or try to blame you. We are all less than perfect spouses, but that does not in any way justify an affair. Many people never cheat even with a less than perfect spouse. Don't let the MC try to make it about your failings. You can work on building a new marriage by learning how to improve, but the affair has to be dealt with too. She has to understand what is broken in her that she could do it.

Good luck.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Don't do anything violent to anyone, no matter how much you may want to.

She will look for any excuse to have you put away and out of the house.

He's married to a distant cousin or whatever? Expose to the whole family- let them both feel shame for their disgusting actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

This is a great post by @Thor

Bookmark it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Truly, your begging will not help. Trying to appeal to her sense of empathy is futile, she has none or you would not be here. And, trying to play on her sympathy will most likely make you appear weak and lacking control. If you sincerely wish to try and keep the M then you must be willing to end it.

Sit her down and tell her that you need a wife and your children need a mother and a family. Tell her you cannot accept anything less. If she is sincerely contrite, remorseful and willing to be as glass to you (totally transparent with passwords, phones, websites, everything) then you will consider R IF she is willing to work hard to save the M. If you attempt to R with anything short of complete NC, transparency and remorse then you are forestalling the inevitable. If she balks at any of this then tell her that her and C can have the life they want and you wish her well and file for D immediately.

In her present state logic and reason are not applicable, she is only concerned about her "happiness" and trying to reason with her will prove fruitless. If she cannot see that she is becoming involved with an OM who has no honor or integrity then you are not going to convince her otherwise. I wish you strength and good fortune.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MLC at 30? LOL. B*tch, please.

This is simple. She ends the affair -- immediately and permanently -- or you end the marriage. Exposing the affair to family and friends (along w/ OM's girlfriend/wife) should help with that.

Have your WW write a "no contact" letter to OM. Offer your own input w/ respect to content, proofread it, and then send it to him yourself via email, Facebook, etc, ALONG with certified letter.

Oh, and take screenshots of all these websites (get EVERYTHING) and hold onto them for evidence. Save them someplace that your WW can't find them in the Cloud. You know... just in case you need it.

Individual counseling for each of you, along w/ marital counseling for the two of you would probably be a good idea as well. In fact, you should make it a non-negotiable condition of reconciliation.

Oh, and both of you should get a complete STD panel from your family doc. Fun, right?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Man up no matter what you do. If your smart you'll use the good advise from those who have been there.

Expose now. If there are no consequences then you will be telling her/him it's ok?????

Get a good Lawyer.

This is 100% on her and it was no mistake.


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

can some post those must read articles! for betrayed spouses.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I think its a little late for her to end the affair and Oxygene to be able to do anything to get his marriage back on track. If she had much left for him, she'd never got tempted into this thing to begin with. You've got to listen and translate the womanese she saying.



oxygene said:


> 1. told me she doesn't know what she wants and it doesn't feel like the same person anymore.
> 
> 2. She admitted it's more than sex with him, and that she has feelings for him that she can't turn off.


Translation:

1. She doesn't want to be tied to her husband and this marriage anymore. She is a different person that no longer whats to be bound by marriage and no longer has romantic interest in her husband. "I been to Oz and I ain't wanting to return to Kansas"

2. She's in love with the new lifestyle she's found and thinks she's in love with C. "I been to Oz. I ain't wanting to return to Kansas"

To give fair and equal balance, when Oxygene said, "Over the next few weeks I noticed a change in my wife's behaviour", he meant, "she's been giving me the old, " I'm just not into sex lately""


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

Find your balls and be a man, if you really want to save your marriage (though I don't think it's worth saving).
And please STOP BEING SO DAMN NAIVE, they could have ****ed right before your eyes and you would have believe any excuse she came up with. I mean: you read cross reviews of their performance in bed and believe her when she said they didn't **** because YOU HAD NO REASON TO THINK SHE WAS CHEATING? What would be a good reason to think so, in your mind?

And by the way midlife crisis comes around 40... At 30 it's just "wanting some strange"...


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

oxygene said:


> Regardless of what happens, knowing I'm going to break both of Cs legs wth a claw hammer brings me comfort.


 Why? Now think about it for just one minuet. Did he put a gun to your wife's head and force her? Did he blackmail her? Threaten you or the children if she didn't comply? 

He did none of the above. This was your wife's choice to make. She knew what she was doing. She's old enough to know right from wrong, good from bad. She knew that to indulge in this kind of behavior wasn't the right choice so going after this guy with a hammer, your fists, or any violent way will just put you in trouble and in jail.

You should have known something was wrong when she started taking the selfies of her in the bath. It doesn't take a genius to figure that out. Her getting a kick out of C being on a swinger site, then going back to the site and then taking those pictures. 

The only reason she's acting remorseful is because she got caught in the act and nothing more.

Now maybe you want to keep her around and not break up the family but you have to ask yourself this. How sure is she about doing the same.

She came flat out and told you about her feelings for this guy and you can't turn feelings on and off like a light switch and just because she's caught doesn't mean that her feelings for this guy is done and over with. 

If it's me, I let C's partner know about it and the rest of the the family then I point to the door and tell your wife that she wanted it, she got it and she can fulfill her mid life crisis anywhere she wants but not in the same house with you and the kids and your not having your kids around someone with that kind of behavior. 

If she has any notion that your about to let this slide then you better hold on real tight because it's going to be a rough ride and it wont be pleasant. I would also get tested for STD's and make her do the same. Don't roll over and play dead with this. She showed you that she has no respect for you and the only thing she doesn't want to lose is her lifestyle. If her actions don't have you pissed off then your living in another world.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You've got yourself a "Stray-at-Home Mom". Expose her to your family and the Other Man to his family. Your wife confesses that it is not just sex with him, but she is in love with him. She has a full-blown emotional and physical affair. She did not stop on her own, you had to pry out a confession from her.

She claimed mid-life crises. Whaaat! Only at 30 years of age. Who will she be like when she is 45 years old? I am 57 years old and had many, many offers to stray. I am 35 years married (first time for the both of us). Many claim this "Mid-life Crisis" hogwash to cover up betrayal in infidelities. She is not accepting full responsibility and making excuses for her affair.

In today's time, I say divorce her. She can live with you and your children as a girlfriend. She is not the devoted wife that you hoped she would be. She is girlfriend material and should be treated as such. Sorry you are here.


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## dental (Apr 16, 2014)

This marriage is done. Sorry. WW has lost respect for OP. She became more and more comfortable adjusting to her new life and got nothing even remotely looking like boundaries from OP whatsoever. Why would she respect a man who sets no boundaries? Who is 'so in love' that he was oblivious that another male came in territory and and started sniffing out his female. OM took the female. Too little too late now to go MMA on OM. 

OP, kids don't get messed up by divorce, kids get messed up by bad parenting.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

dental said:


> Sorry. WW has lost respect for OP. She became more and more comfortable adjusting to her new life and got nothing even remotely looking like boundaries from OP whatsoever. Why would she respect a man who sets no boundaries?


Plus laying around in bed and crying. The only time its ok for a male to cry over a relationship is when he's done something wrong and want leniency . When they screw over you and you cry about it, you look like a wuss. Make no mistake about it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a link to some no contact letters.... 

Note that the no contact letter is all about you, her husband, and her children. It's about how she has hurt you and how unfair that is.

No where in the no-contact letter should she say anything nice or kind to the OM. No apologies to him about her hurting him, the affair, etc.

When she writes the no contact letter, she gives it to you to read. Then the two of you sent it out together, be it via email or snail mail. Keep a copy of it incase the guy needs it resent because he ignores the first time it was sent.

A book that might help you is "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.

It talks about how to expose the affair, no contact letter, etc.

I agree with others that you do not move out of your home and away from your children, not ever. Instead if she wants to leave she can do so without your children. See a lawyer to find out how to prevent her from removing your children from their home.

You know now that you should have played hard ball from the start. Well, it's time to start doing it now. You don't have to be mean or cruel.. just know your boundaries and enforce them.

I agree with those who say that you need to expose the affair to his wife ASAP. This guy does not want a divorce. If he wanted a divorce he would have already divorced his wife. So when you tell his wife, he will dump your wife. She will then learn what kind of scum he is and it end the affair for good. Make sure you have some solid evidence to give his wife.. like copies of emails, or anything else you have. Otherwise he might be able to convince her that you are just nuts and trying to cause trouble.

And do not do anything to physically harm the OM. What good are you to your children if you are in prison?


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## Octavia4 (Sep 30, 2015)

Hi, oxygene. I'm truly sorry you found yourself here and I wish you all the strength in the world to get through your situation.

Here's my two cents: I agree with a lot of the practical advice people are giving you: set boundaries, don't beg or trust her to change behavior for a second, don't leave or get violent, collect evidence, expose the affair, prepare for divorce. 

I'm feeling put off by a lot of comments I'm seeing like, "Find your balls and be a man" and some of this **** about alpha versus beta males. A lot of this attitude is toxic and unhelpful. I've seen both male and female friends betrayed by infidelity and believe me, both genders have to contemplate the same options you're mulling around: break up versus try to salvage the marriage through counseling, hold the line versus compromise, etc. There aren't easy, painless solutions to infidelity and that's why people seek support on forums like this. This isn't about "reclaiming your manhood" or needing to prove something - this is about dealing with an intimate partner who did something highly unethical and damaging to you in a way that protects you and your kids in the endgame. If a woman had posted a story similar to yours about being cheated on, people wouldn't be jumping down her throat about "manning up." 

Take care of yourself and your kids. I wish you the best.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi oxygene,

Thor hit it on the head in his post here on what you actions you should be taking. But let's talk about what happened and why. 

First their are serious issues in your marriage, these are separate from her adultery. They are not the same thing. The first is Merely the breeding ground, and if the marriage is to survive you both must work together to fix them. The adultery is a deliberate choice on her part and the fault and actions she needs to take are her's and hers alone. The "breeding ground" issues cannot be addressed until her adultery is exposed and ended.

Next understand her mindset. How can strangers quickly know what is her mindset? Their are four basic concepts here, the 180, the cheaters script, trickle truth and the fog. How could she do this? The breeding ground and the fog. If you want to save your marriage you need to demand two things, space for your self to think, and she ends the affair.

You heard of the concept "he said, she heard" ? Right now every time you cry, every time you plead she hears he knows he caused this, he knows the OM is a better man, this loser needs wants me to pity him enough to give up a better life with the OM!!!! The question you need to ask how do destroy that illusion? 

Start the 180 by discussing only the children and their activities and necessary daily routines. All other topics politely defer to a future date. Ask for nothing from her, do nothing for her. She asks for something reasonable do it quickly and forget it. Especially do not make holiday plans. 

See a lawyer to discuss what to expect with a divorce, how to maximize your custody and minimize your spousal support. Start today by searching the web for info on your state divorce laws. 

She is a stay at home mother. Tell her she needs to find a job, at least part time to start. She needs to grasp the family life style is not possible due to her actions. She will erupt with anger and accusations. Some of the accusations will wound you deeply. Give her the same patient unyielding determination that you would give your three year old. Use the 180's advice to go dark to shield yourself. Before you respond come here and vent, then respond. 

Begin to expose by telling a couple of very close friends (mutual to her and the OM is best) a rabbi, priest, reverent, etc If you have any connection at all (you will be amazed how this is a bread and butter issue they see all the time), a sibling, and the OM wife. Watch the OM's wife reaction closely. She might also be in the "lifestyle". If she is, tell her your wife seems to think he will leave her for your wife,

Above all else KEEP POSTING,


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi Oxgene,

Ovravia4 post touches somewhat on my point of "he said". You, see I heard "time to put on your big boy/girl briefs/panties. You are involved in a serious adult crises. Hollywood fantasy movies are fantasy. Adult up!!


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

I'll stand by my assessment... You DO need to man up. In the sense that you have to stop being the wimp you have been throughout all of this. 

Yours were much more than red flags, I bet your wife couldn't believe it, when you believed the obvious bull**** she fed you,and didn't even try to investigate further.

She's probably trying to cake eat now, counting on the fact that you'll be as weak as you have been until now (and, believe me, that's how she perceives you right now).

Now my advice is don't let fear dictate your game plan, it's ok to be afraid, but you must not show your wife and her lover your fear, or they're going to eat you alive.

I would not be shy with exposure, I think you should do it far and wide, and forget about limiting it to a few persons.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

oxygene said:


> Googled it, if I understand correctly I need to man up?! It's weird, at work I'm alpha, but maybe I was far too beta at home.
> 
> Regardless of what happens, knowing I'm going to break both of Cs legs wth a claw hammer brings me comfort.


Beta is huge understatement..

Calling you doormat is offensive to doormats. 


Take this post in the spirit it is intended instead of an insult.


And if they are on swinger sites, he is not the only one she was having sex with...


This guy was cheating on his wife and you thought it was a joke. Not so funny now , is it ?

And you encouraged your wife's conversations with this guy.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

One other point needs to be emphasized, no affection. AND NO SEX!! You have no idea the effect this will have on her self image and self esteem, if she offers and you politely turn her down with complete indifference.

This is what drove Odat's wife into hyper drive panic mode at the start of there reconciliation. Read his thread, his marriage turned around once he started the 180 and started "adulting" up.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

Get tested for STDs.

You should do it anyway, but Sparrow is right, they were on a swinger site, so both the guy and your wife might have been banging other partners (those reviews were written for a reason...)


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

@EleGirl, you forgot the links.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SecondTime'Round said:


> @EleGirl, you forgot the links.


Yikes... I fixed it... thanks


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here but you need to divorce your wife immediately.
She put her Affair under your nose and lied to you about it,she even took pictures of herself in front of you nose and updated them online on swinger side.

Let me tell you this one my friend,your wife has a lot of Affairs not only with C,there is other guys too.
She told you she is in love with this man,then let her go and set yourself free. Earn your respect back.

Dont I repeat dont stay in this marriage,your wife is broken and do you really want to watch her go on dates with other dudes while you are at home takicng care of kids ???

Divorce her and check yourself for any STDs because I am 100% sure this is not only one affair,she was with other guys.

One more thing,you were laughing about C wife because he was cheating on her and now you know how it feels.

Exopose her AFFAIRS to family and friends and start doing on Divorce papers asap.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She's a stay at home mom. Change all bank accts immediatelt to where she has no access to cash or crdit cards.

All your actions so far have been interpreted by her as the other man being more fun, smarter and more manly than you. You're just a vanilla stick in the mud.

Tell her parents she is hanging out and banging wwingers and perverts.

Your only hope is shock and awe. Expose the om, copy his swinger site info and send it to everyone you can think of. He will be ostrasized by everyone that isn't a perv.

Jump on this with both feet or just file for divorce which is what you should do and your wife deserves.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, tell your wife, though it probably isn't true anymore, her perverted lifestyle will be the reason you will seek full custody and get it. Her rep will be destroyed and her entire family embarassed.

Go all in or go home!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Oygene

Chap has some good points.

The change starts with you however.

Stop crying.
Stop begging your wife to stay.
You control your own actions.

Stop telling your wife that she is breaking up the family. You have no control over her.

But here are some things you can control.

Tell her you will be getting checked for STD's since she is on a swinger site and banging a dirtbag. Most likely there is more truth to come....

Tell her you are taking control of all assets since she cannot control herself.

Tell her you will be seeking legal advice on the termination of the marriage based on infidelity.

Then notify your inlaws that you need them to come over and watch the kids one day next week so you can meet with an attorney.
Tell them their daughter is no longer reliable because she has a boyfriend that she is banging on a regular schedule and joined a swingers website recently as well.

Ask them for their support then hand the phone over to your wife.

Then go for a drive, knock on the OM's door and tell his wife/gf what he has been up to.

No need to get violent.

The truth will set everyone free including you.

Don't get mad. Get even by exposing the affair. Be the man that you are and I assure you that you and your kids will be just fine.

Your wife is a liar and cheater. The sooner you treat her like one the sooner you will be able to act decisively and think clearly.

HM


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

oxygene said:


> Last night my worst nightmare came true.
> 
> From the beginning, I have been married to my wife for 4 years, together for 10. We have 2 gorgeous children (3 and 6). I have a very demanding career which I've worked hard for, sometimes involving late nights/very early starts at the office. My wife is a stay at home mum who regularly arranges play dates and coffee mornings to keep herself and the kids busy (my youngest is 3 so at home with her most of the time). One of her regular meet ups is with her "step cousins" wife (cousin by marriage on my wife's fathers wide), although to make it easier we will refer to him as C.
> 
> ...


Grass C up to his partner, the family, the pet cat... to *everyone!*

*Make sure a damned hard rain falls on him.*


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

italianjob said:


> Find your balls and be a man, if you really want to save your marriage (though I don't think it's worth saving).
> And please STOP BEING SO DAMN NAIVE, they could have ****ed right before your eyes and you would have believe any excuse she came up with. I mean: you read cross reviews of their performance in bed and believe her when she said they didn't **** because YOU HAD NO REASON TO THINK SHE WAS CHEATING? What would be a good reason to think so, in your mind?
> 
> And by the way midlife crisis comes around 40... *At 30 it's just "wanting some strange"...*


That's all it ever really is.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

italianjob said:


> Get tested for STDs.
> 
> You should do it anyway, but Sparrow is right, *they were on a swinger site, so both the guy and your wife might have been banging other partners (those reviews were written for a reason...)*


Something that I hadn't considered, but obviously very (VERY) possible.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Damned swinger/affair sites!

Everytime I get a press release at work for a UK-based affair site it makes me so damned angry for the rest of the day.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

oxygene said:


> I'm 30, my wife used her impending 30th birthday as a "crisis" excuse. I don't think I'm old, but I don't want to lose my kids, that's what is ripping me up. I'm begging to stay together not for her but because I want to be a full time dad to my children.
> 
> I lost all trust and affection for her the moment I found out, been replaced with anger. Which may or may not be "normal", I don't know.


She is not having a mid life crisis.

She is a slvt mate.

You have been a doormat and slvts love doormats to babysit and pay bills while they go find idiots to fvck them.

Your wife needs her ass kicked not whimpering and begging from her babysitter.

File for divorce. Lawyer up. Do the 180.

I don't usually advise this but take your wedding ring and snip it in half. Put it in an envelope and give it coldly to your wife or mail it.

Start working out vigorously and dressing sharp to go out without her.

Let her know that she had her fun while you watched the kids and it is her turn to sit.

Turn about is fair play.

If the OMW is up for it, ask her out for a date.

This is not to try and even the score. That can never be done.

This is for self esteem and to give your wife a real look at what she destroyed.

Go out and have a good time while she sits at home with the kids. I'm not advising you to try and have sex. I'm not advising you not to either.

If your wife doesn't do an immediate 180 and become a drooling, snot mess of crying and remorse, you know to keep going the route of pursuing the single life.

People often take a good spouse for granted and making her watch as she loses you might wake her up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> That's all it ever really is.


That's right, it is, most of the time.

I've seen some legitimate midlife crisis (I'm quite beyond "midlife", so most of my friends are, too) but most of them don't focus on sex or affairs, actually... 

Anyway, I've never seen a midlife crisis at 30 (maybe they happened in the late 19th/early 20th century, when life expectation was remarkably shorter IDK)


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

If it's not too late, get screen caps of the swinger site profile. Better if you can get her to log in, and give you access to the control panel, and communications. Screen cap it all, save it on a few different flash drives in different physical locations, away from her, and without her knowledge. It could make things much simpler legally to have that info when the time comes.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Begging a cheating spouse to stop is the absolute worst thing you could have done.

She is cheating.........she admits feelings for C...........does not know what she wants (this translates to not you).

Think about it. Sure you love the woman you married, but that woman is gone now. Instead you have a stranger who is in love with another man and is complete comfortable with betraying you.

Divorce.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Women like confident men.....you want her to think twice in what she is about to lose. If you want her to second guess her choices you need to just let her go.
It might save your marriage!

So "manning up" just might raise your attraction level enough to show your old lady you won't tolerate her phucking other men, and sharing your old lady is not an option for you.

You can't control her but you can show her that her current path will break up the family unit. By distancing your self and showing her the indifference she deserves for her actions you will give her the new reality she may not be expecting.

From what I have read so far I think your wife thinks she can get away with this bull shyt and you ain't going any were. With out consequences bad behavior will continue.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

She might just be happier with the other guy. She is young enough to make a life with him, if he is a more compatible partner for her. Though he does sound high risk.

You two need to have a serious talk about what she wants, or better yet, what you can tolerate while she figures that out.

So sorry, oxygene. I am sure this is very painful.


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