# Dating



## depressedandexhausted

Alright, here it goes. 

I am a 31 male. I just recently got divorced. I feel as though I have been out of a relationship for a few years now. I feel like I can definitely date again. I don't have any insecurities because I know I wasn't at fault. 

I have been seeing a therapist regularly and he even said I should get back into the game.

Now, where do I start?


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## Dude007

Are you working out? Getting in great shape?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper

First thing I would do is change your screen name!

I would just start doing things you like, going where you want, spending more time on hobbies, travel a bit. Being in a relationship can be great buy enjoy your free time for a bit, maybe while enjoying one of your activities you'll meet a woman who enjoys the same things. And then there's always on line dating sites, lot's of options there.


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## Wolf1974

Do you have women in Mind you would like to ask out? If not are you going to try online dating? Advice changes depending on that answer.


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## EnjoliWoman

I found a lot of people your age at meet up groups. Professional networking groups are popular for your age range plus lots of outdoor activities like hiking, climbing, etc. Join some groups that interest you and start attending some events. You'll meet like-minded women. It's an easy transition once the activity is over to see if anyone wants to go for coffee/drink/bite to eat. 

Have a dog? Go to a dog park on a Saturday morning. Lots of cute single women take their dogs out as conversation starters.


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## jorgegene

don't hurry into anything. don't let yourself fall too easily or quickly. keep your wits about you and your radar on at all times.


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## pragmaster

Make a list of your needs in a partner. Make a list of your wants. Make a list of things you will not tolerate. Know your boundaries. Now, when those lists are done, think to yourself and write down ideas. 

Are you what you are seeking? How can you become the person you seek? In turn, and with great love of self, you will attract that person.

Know when to make a friend and not a lover.


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## Aroleid

boltam said:


> When relationships fail, it's almost never entirely one person's fault.
> 
> If you don't acknowledge your own blame in the demise of the relationship then you're destined to keep repeating the same mistakes and looking at one failed relationship after another.


I second this notion, as hard of a pill it may be to swallow sometimes. Even if infidelity is involved, as it was in my case. I played a role in the dynamics that took us there, although he alone is responsible for his choices. Facing those truths was part of my post-marital counseling I underwent.

As for you, good luck out there! May the Force be with you! :grin2:


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## depressedandexhausted

boltam said:


> When relationships fail, it's almost never entirely one person's fault.
> 
> If you don't acknowledge your own blame in the demise of the relationship then you're destined to keep repeating the same mistakes and looking at one failed relationship after another.


I didnt mean, i didnt screw up. I had some set backs in our relationship. What I meant I didnt cause the major breakdown of the marriage. Zero marriages are perfect. I just know that I did all I could to try to make it work, I put my best foot forward. Not much else I could do at the end.

Thank you for all the advice.


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## Acoa

First step is to get comfortable being a bit more open to flirting. I found my whole demeanor with the opposite sex had to change. I had been married and faithful so long, that I gave off the 'I'm taken' vibe. 

So, before wading into the dating pool, start by practicing talking to women wherever you run across them. Grocery store, the bank, elevators. Wherever. Not to pick them up, just to practice being able to approach someone and have a natural conversation. When you see an attractive woman, check for a ring. Smile, look her in the eye and say hello. If they are open to you, they will smile back, and say hello back. 

I found that after a bit of time this got pretty easy. You could tell pretty quickly if someone was interested in having a longer conversation in how they replied (or didn't reply) to hello. This does not mean you ask her out! Well, not at first. Then it's about being playful, funny and charming. Sometimes cheesy pick up lines work, but not usually. Those are very situational. I would only use one if she maintained strong eye contact and returned the hello in a warm way, perhaps leaning in or stepping closer to me. And we were in a meat market of a bar. lol. 

Otherwise, just practice polite and playful conversation. This gets you ready for the next step, asking women out. I suggest putting together a list of women you would like to date (at least 8). Then asking all of them out over about a week. Why so many? Because most are going to say no. So, you get a chance to get used to that. Don't sweat it, women know what they want, and if they don't want you, their loss, right? Someone will say yes, if you get more than 2 or 3 yes answers, you may want to stop there. You'll want to have a date in mind and set it right away. The date should be no longer than a week out. More than 3 dates in a week is insane (at least for me). 

Go on your dates, get to know them better. See if any have 'girlfriend' potential, and if they do, do they seem to have an interest in you. If yes, then that's a second date. If not, wish them well and hope you had an enjoyable evening. Most first dates won't become second dates. 

If you have a difficult time approaching women, or there are just not that many available women in your social circles. Then join a dating website. I liked match dot com. It's a paid site, so the quality of the people seemed better than on free sites. But if you want to save a few and roll through more profiles to find the good ones, any site will do. Some are more 'looking for sex only' oriented than others. 

All in all that worked well for me. I went on 35 or so dates with 28 different women over 5 months. Found a girlfriend and we are stupid happy together. That process took a lot of fear and insecurity out of me. You are at a great age for dating. Just be sure what you are looking for and be clear with your dates on it. No matter where you are in life, there is a female equal to it. Just invest the time to find her. Don't try to make someone the person you need. Figure out what you need, then find that person.


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## depressedandexhausted

Acoa said:


> First step is to get comfortable being a bit more open to flirting. I found my whole demeanor with the opposite sex had to change. I had been married and faithful so long, that I gave off the 'I'm taken' vibe.
> 
> So, before wading into the dating pool, start by practicing talking to women wherever you run across them. Grocery store, the bank, elevators. Wherever. Not to pick them up, just to practice being able to approach someone and have a natural conversation. When you see an attractive woman, check for a ring. Smile, look her in the eye and say hello. If they are open to you, they will smile back, and say hello back.
> 
> I found that after a bit of time this got pretty easy. You could tell pretty quickly if someone was interested in having a longer conversation in how they replied (or didn't reply) to hello. This does not mean you ask her out! Well, not at first. Then it's about being playful, funny and charming. Sometimes cheesy pick up lines work, but not usually. Those are very situational. I would only use one if she maintained strong eye contact and returned the hello in a warm way, perhaps leaning in or stepping closer to me. And we were in a meat market of a bar. lol.
> 
> Otherwise, just practice polite and playful conversation. This gets you ready for the next step, asking women out. I suggest putting together a list of women you would like to date (at least 8). Then asking all of them out over about a week. Why so many? Because most are going to say no. So, you get a chance to get used to that. Don't sweat it, women know what they want, and if they don't want you, their loss, right? Someone will say yes, if you get more than 2 or 3 yes answers, you may want to stop there. You'll want to have a date in mind and set it right away. The date should be no longer than a week out. More than 3 dates in a week is insane (at least for me).
> 
> Go on your dates, get to know them better. See if any have 'girlfriend' potential, and if they do, do they seem to have an interest in you. If yes, then that's a second date. If not, wish them well and hope you had an enjoyable evening. Most first dates won't become second dates.
> 
> If you have a difficult time approaching women, or there are just not that many available women in your social circles. Then join a dating website. I liked match dot com. It's a paid site, so the quality of the people seemed better than on free sites. But if you want to save a few and roll through more profiles to find the good ones, any site will do. Some are more 'looking for sex only' oriented than others.
> 
> All in all that worked well for me. I went on 35 or so dates with 28 different women over 5 months. Found a girlfriend and we are stupid happy together. That process took a lot of fear and insecurity out of me. You are at a great age for dating. Just be sure what you are looking for and be clear with your dates on it. No matter where you are in life, there is a female equal to it. Just invest the time to find her. Don't try to make someone the person you need. Figure out what you need, then find that person.


Thank you, I agree completely. I will do just this. I really appreciate the effort you put into this. I will update as I go. I started talking to women pretty frequently. I definitely am not as timid as I used to be.


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## Absurdist

Another idea OP. Volunteer. Two young men I was a mentor to joined Special Olympics and Habitat for Humanity. Both met quality women there to whom both are married. Both very happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MRR

Acoa said:


> First step is to get comfortable being a bit more open to flirting. I found my whole demeanor with the opposite sex had to change. I had been married and faithful so long, that I gave off the 'I'm taken' vibe.
> 
> So, before wading into the dating pool, start by practicing talking to women wherever you run across them. Grocery store, the bank, elevators. Wherever. Not to pick them up, just to practice being able to approach someone and have a natural conversation. When you see an attractive woman, check for a ring. Smile, look her in the eye and say hello. If they are open to you, they will smile back, and say hello back.
> 
> I found that after a bit of time this got pretty easy. You could tell pretty quickly if someone was interested in having a longer conversation in how they replied (or didn't reply) to hello. This does not mean you ask her out! Well, not at first. Then it's about being playful, funny and charming. Sometimes cheesy pick up lines work, but not usually. Those are very situational. I would only use one if she maintained strong eye contact and returned the hello in a warm way, perhaps leaning in or stepping closer to me. And we were in a meat market of a bar. lol.
> 
> Otherwise, just practice polite and playful conversation. This gets you ready for the next step, asking women out. I suggest putting together a list of women you would like to date (at least 8). Then asking all of them out over about a week. Why so many? Because most are going to say no. So, you get a chance to get used to that. Don't sweat it, women know what they want, and if they don't want you, their loss, right? Someone will say yes, if you get more than 2 or 3 yes answers, you may want to stop there. You'll want to have a date in mind and set it right away. The date should be no longer than a week out. More than 3 dates in a week is insane (at least for me).
> 
> Go on your dates, get to know them better. See if any have 'girlfriend' potential, and if they do, do they seem to have an interest in you. If yes, then that's a second date. If not, wish them well and hope you had an enjoyable evening. Most first dates won't become second dates.
> 
> If you have a difficult time approaching women, or there are just not that many available women in your social circles. Then join a dating website. I liked match dot com. It's a paid site, so the quality of the people seemed better than on free sites. But if you want to save a few and roll through more profiles to find the good ones, any site will do. Some are more 'looking for sex only' oriented than others.
> 
> All in all that worked well for me. I went on 35 or so dates with 28 different women over 5 months. Found a girlfriend and we are stupid happy together. That process took a lot of fear and insecurity out of me. You are at a great age for dating. Just be sure what you are looking for and be clear with your dates on it. No matter where you are in life, there is a female equal to it. Just invest the time to find her. Don't try to make someone the person you need. Figure out what you need, then find that person.


This is great advice. It also shows that dating can be a lot of work-- 28 women? Wow. I have been divorced about a year and a half and had 'dates' with about 10, though I was in a 6 month relationship. In any case, I am not ready to settle down in a marriage type way -- living in the same house with a woman-- but still want the companionship. I personally go through phases where I will back off the whole thing for awhile. 

I'd suggest the book "Models" by Mark Manson-- subtitle is attracting women through honesty. This kind of gives you an idea of what women are attracted to, as well as how they connect with men. Actually lots of good stuff in there in my opinion. You just have to be ready to act on it.


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## MRR

PS. Definitely learn to be happy with yourself before you get too involved with someone else. Your screen name would indicate you have some work to do there. That is actually the most important part of dating-- a quality woman wants to be with a man who is happy. A train wreck will attract another train wreck.


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## ne9907

depressedandexhausted said:


> Alright, here it goes.
> 
> I am a 31 male. I just recently got divorced. I feel as though I have been out of a relationship for a few years now. I feel like I can definitely date again. I don't have any insecurities because I know I wasn't at fault.
> 
> I have been seeing a therapist regularly and he even said I should get back into the game.
> 
> Now, where do I start?


First, make a consious decision as your reasons to date. All of the reasons are good reasons if you accept them. For example, are you dating to have fun? dating to find a long term relationship? dating to explore yourself? dating for validation? etc etc
Of course, you do not have to acknowledge the reasons but if you start the dating game with an open mind and clear idea of what it is you want, it will be easier.
Once you do that I suggest letting your friends know you are dating. Blind dates are fun!
Online dating is also another interesting method. 
Meet up groups
Finding a hobby you enjoy and doing it, perhaps you will find people with similar interest.
Or do like I do and wait for the universe to drop off a beautiful mind individual  (btw, I do not recommend this )



Cooper said:


> First thing I would do is change your screen name!
> 
> .


lol Agree


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## FeministInPink

Acoa said:


> First step is to get comfortable being a bit more open to flirting. I found my whole demeanor with the opposite sex had to change. I had been married and faithful so long, that I gave off the 'I'm taken' vibe.
> 
> So, before wading into the dating pool, start by practicing talking to women wherever you run across them. Grocery store, the bank, elevators. Wherever. Not to pick them up, just to practice being able to approach someone and have a natural conversation. When you see an attractive woman, check for a ring. Smile, look her in the eye and say hello. If they are open to you, they will smile back, and say hello back.
> 
> I found that after a bit of time this got pretty easy. You could tell pretty quickly if someone was interested in having a longer conversation in how they replied (or didn't reply) to hello. This does not mean you ask her out! Well, not at first. Then it's about being playful, funny and charming. Sometimes cheesy pick up lines work, but not usually. Those are very situational. I would only use one if she maintained strong eye contact and returned the hello in a warm way, perhaps leaning in or stepping closer to me. And we were in a meat market of a bar. lol.
> 
> Otherwise, just practice polite and playful conversation. This gets you ready for the next step, asking women out. I suggest putting together a list of women you would like to date (at least 8). Then asking all of them out over about a week. Why so many? Because most are going to say no. So, you get a chance to get used to that. Don't sweat it, women know what they want, and if they don't want you, their loss, right? Someone will say yes, if you get more than 2 or 3 yes answers, you may want to stop there. You'll want to have a date in mind and set it right away. The date should be no longer than a week out. More than 3 dates in a week is insane (at least for me).
> 
> Go on your dates, get to know them better. See if any have 'girlfriend' potential, and if they do, do they seem to have an interest in you. If yes, then that's a second date. If not, wish them well and hope you had an enjoyable evening. Most first dates won't become second dates.
> 
> If you have a difficult time approaching women, or there are just not that many available women in your social circles. Then join a dating website. I liked match dot com. It's a paid site, so the quality of the people seemed better than on free sites. But if you want to save a few and roll through more profiles to find the good ones, any site will do. Some are more 'looking for sex only' oriented than others.
> 
> All in all that worked well for me. I went on 35 or so dates with 28 different women over 5 months. Found a girlfriend and we are stupid happy together. That process took a lot of fear and insecurity out of me. You are at a great age for dating. Just be sure what you are looking for and be clear with your dates on it. No matter where you are in life, there is a female equal to it. Just invest the time to find her. Don't try to make someone the person you need. Figure out what you need, then find that person.


^^^This is insanely good advice. Do this


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## Mr The Other

depressedandexhausted said:


> Alright, here it goes.
> 
> I am a 31 male. I just recently got divorced. I feel as though I have been out of a relationship for a few years now. I feel like I can definitely date again. I don't have any insecurities because I know I wasn't at fault.
> 
> I have been seeing a therapist regularly and he even said I should get back into the game.
> 
> Now, where do I start?


That you are asking shows you feel inhibited. 
@Acoa has nailed it and this is just a poor echo.

The basic advice is start being friendly generally. Particularly with women, and particularly with attractive ones. Tell women at work what was the highlight of their weekend and get the confidence back. Next time a cashier asks how you are, answer "average", the break from the norm might start a conversation. 

I actually met a man who was struggling who became someone is Pick-Up-Artistry. If you are really inhibited, join them. I often go out with a man who is part of that community and have a great deal of respect for it. 

Good luck.


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## FeministInPink

Mr The Other said:


> That you are asking shows you feel inhibited.
> 
> @Acoa has nailed it and this is just a poor echo.
> 
> The basic advice is start being friendly generally. Particularly with women, and particularly with attractive ones. Tell women at work what was the highlight of their weekend and get the confidence back. Next time a cashier asks how you are, answer "average", the break from the norm might start a conversation.
> 
> I actually met a man who was struggling who became someone is Pick-Up-Artistry. If you are really inhibited, join them. I often go out with a man who is part of that community and have a great deal of respect for it.
> 
> Good luck.


I don't endorse becoming a PUA. Most of those guys are assh0les, who treat women like less-than-human pieces of meat. I do NOT have a great deal of respect for it. A lot of PUA involves emotional manipulation and generally treating women like garbage--and the women that fall for it are the ones with low self-esteem and emotional problems. Don't be THAT kind of guy. You'll never get a decent woman or a healthy relationship out of it.

HOWEVER... there is something to be said for the confidence that you can gain from the PUA approach. I would say, look into it and be judicious. (For example, if you wouldn't like some guy "negging" your sister or your mom, then you probably shouldn't put negging into practice.) Extrapolate the stuff that's about self-respect and confidence and use it, and leave the rest by the way-side.


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## Mr The Other

FeministInPink said:


> I don't endorse becoming a PUA. Most of those guys are assh0les, who treat women like less-than-human pieces of meat. I do NOT have a great deal of respect for it. A lot of PUA involves emotional manipulation and generally treating women like garbage--and the women that fall for it are the ones with low self-esteem and emotional problems. Don't be THAT kind of guy. You'll never get a decent woman or a healthy relationship out of it.
> 
> HOWEVER... there is something to be said for the confidence that you can gain from the PUA approach. I would say, look into it and be judicious. (For example, if you wouldn't like some guy "negging" your sister or your mom, then you probably shouldn't put negging into practice.) Extrapolate the stuff that's about self-respect and confidence and use it, and leave the rest by the way-side.


I agree. Wonderful advice.

I have met three men into that. The first one seemed very good at it, but it made him a manipulative asshat. The second ended up on his ass after our first 'conversation'. The third one was hard working, but 5'4" and low income. I consider the third to be a friend.


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## jorgegene

ne9907 said:


> First, make a consious decision as your reasons to date. All of the reasons are good reasons if you accept them. For example, are you dating to have fun? dating to find a long term relationship? dating to explore yourself? dating for validation? etc etc
> Of course, you do not have to acknowledge the reasons but if you start the dating game with an open mind and clear idea of what it is you want, it will be easier.
> Once you do that I suggest letting your friends know you are dating. Blind dates are fun!
> Online dating is also another interesting method.
> Meet up groups
> Finding a hobby you enjoy and doing it, perhaps you will find people with similar interest.
> Or do like I do and wait for the universe to drop off a beautiful mind individual  (btw, I do not recommend this )
> 
> 
> lol Agree



this is sage.

don't date just to date, like that's what you're suppose to do cause everybody does it. don't be everybody. be yourself, whatever that is.


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## MRR

the pick-up artist thing. wow. Honestly though, if you are a 'nice guy' like i was (read no mor mr nice guy), being aware of the pua agenda can be helpful for exactly what FIP says-- confidence-- as well as understanding that women too WANT physical relationships. They WANT you to be the man who takes them to bed; but if you come off as weak or indecisive or not confident, their attraction goes away. I did read a lot of stuff that ranges from extreme PUA to just relationship dynamics from a male point of view. there was a lot for me to learn but it has helped, even the stuff i recognized as games i just am not able to play.


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## FeministInPink

Interestingly enough, _Married Man Sex Love Primer_--which is frequently recommended on TAM to "nice guy" husbands to up their marriage game--was written by Athol Kay, who is also the evil genius behind PUA. 

MMSLP might be a better bet than PUA.


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