# Hello all, New here and would like to know what you would do here.



## CollegeStudenCo18 (Jan 6, 2017)

Hello all this is my first time posting and I am usually not one to seek out advice or help but I will give this a shot. I am in college and have about a year left as I graduate next spring, I have my best friend who is a guy ( I am a girl). We started back to semester earlier this week and he has been acting off rather distant and not himself he came back to campus with a broken ankle. I have tried talking to him and even tried taking him food and he just has brushed me off a lot, I tried talking to his roommate and he just said he has noticed it as well and noticed he has mentioned why he is here and whats the point. I want to help my best friend but I am not even entirely sure where to begin to even help and I am worried about messing up a great friendship. Sorry if this isn't really making sense or anything just ask me questions not sure what else to put, just extremely worried about my best friend.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

We don't know. You need to go ask him. If you're a good friend, he'll tell you the truth. Just go over there and don't leave until he tells you what's wrong.

Perhaps, he thinks of you more than a friend and is hurt you won't go to the next level?


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## CollegeStudenCo18 (Jan 6, 2017)

We have been best friends sense elementary school I don't think he is interested me at all. But I could be wrong, not sure how that would just get flipped like a switch over break though to where he would just start pushing me away and acting all moody and depressed on me. But I suppose anything is possible.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'm sensing that perhaps he may have some other girl on the hook that he doesn't really want you to know anything about!*


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

@CollegeStudenCo18


Just curious, why are you at a marriage and relationship site for a question about your childhood friend's broken bone and depression.

I mean, a medical/psychological forum might make more sense.


IOW, what makes you tie this issue to relationships?


A heads-up for you; a significant percentage of members here don't believe in opposite sex friendships. I'm one of them.


But, regardless, take him some food that he likes again, ask him what's up. That's all you can do. I imagine you are pretty well acquainted with his family. Would it be okay to ask them if they've noticed a turn for the worse in his mood?

That said, having a broken bone is the pits. I've had four in my lifetime. It's normal to feel kind of low; and if the cast is on too tight, he might be in pain.

Hope it works out and he gets to feeling better.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your friend sounds depressed and is questioning his life - could be he's questioning the college experience or his reason for being. Could be family problems. Let him know you'll be there should he decide to share what's going on and check up on him from time to time. That's about all you can do.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CollegeStudenCo18 said:


> We have been best friends sense elementary school I don't think he is interested me at all. But I could be wrong, not sure how that would just get flipped like a switch over break though to where he would just start pushing me away and acting all moody and depressed on me. But I suppose anything is possible.


He is probably not acting all moody and depressed on you. He is probably "moody and depressed, Period."

It might be related to why he has a broken ankle (PTSD) or something else.

I think he needs professional therapy.

Can you and his roommate arrange this?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like something happened back home over break. Fight with parents? Girl rejected him? Who knows? Just be there for him; tell him you're here if he needs someone to talk to.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You are a caring friend... not enough of you in this world.

When we are young, we often think ourselves invincible and nothing upsets the ego more than to find out we aren't, but it's not just our fragility in life that upsets us, it's also the inconvenience of the injury that takes a toll on our outlook. Many things then that can have us feeling sorry for ourselves and when that pride gets in the way one's feeling sorry for themselves take hold and we become unmindful of the true side of compassionate people and forget the gratitude of having such people in our lives.

There may be many things that are leading to this distance he has put in place (his choice), just let him know you are his friend and there for him, happily checking in on him now and then and if you can help... an open invitation applies to anything he may need and especially an open ear and heart.

Please keep in touch with him if nothing more than a 3 minute smile... he will appreciate it even if he doesn't express it immediately or outwardly and if he doesn't, you have built a better understanding within your own heart and your own path.

Peace be with you... Namaste. :smile2:


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Maybe...maybe not. Friendships between men and women can evolve and change - sometimes unpredictably. All sorts of possibilities. Maybe he has developed feelings for you and somehow you didn't react the way he hoped when he was hurt? Maybe he ran into another woman but is unsure about how you feel about him and is worried about "betraying" you. 

It could just be the result of injury, but that isn't the way I would bet (unless the injury could be permanent). I hurt myself in college (doing something idiotic of course) and it really didn't impact my feelings about anything, or even stop me from behaving like a moron.





CollegeStudenCo18 said:


> We have been best friends sense elementary school I don't think he is interested me at all. But I could be wrong, not sure how that would just get flipped like a switch over break though to where he would just start pushing me away and acting all moody and depressed on me. But I suppose anything is possible.


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## CollegeStudenCo18 (Jan 6, 2017)

notmyrealname4 said:


> @CollegeStudenCo18
> 
> 
> Just curious, why are you at a marriage and relationship site for a question about your childhood friend's broken bone and depression.
> ...


I don't know I just really was interested in some advice and searched out relationship advice and was brought here. Sorry if I offended you or anyone else by seeking out advice here my apologies. Not sure what is wrong with opposite sec friendships like I said we are best friends and have been close for an extremely long time. I asked his sister the other day if she knew anything and she was very hesitant to answer and didn't really want to tell me. And sorry it has taken me this long to respond back to the thread had classes and work today.


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## CollegeStudenCo18 (Jan 6, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> He is probably not acting all moody and depressed on you. He is probably "moody and depressed, Period."
> 
> It might be related to why he has a broken ankle (PTSD) or something else.
> 
> ...


I can try and get one of the School counselors to try and talk to him I suppose.


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## CollegeStudenCo18 (Jan 6, 2017)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> You are a caring friend... not enough of you in this world.
> 
> When we are young, we often think ourselves invincible and nothing upsets the ego more than to find out we aren't, but it's not just our fragility in life that upsets us, it's also the inconvenience of the injury that takes a toll on our outlook. Many things then that can have us feeling sorry for ourselves and when that pride gets in the way one's feeling sorry for themselves take hold and we become unmindful of the true side of compassionate people and forget the gratitude of having such people in our lives.
> 
> ...


I text him constantly but he hasn't really been replying to me but I did take him some dinner when I got off of work tonight and that seemed to have brightened him up a bit. And to the others I have feelings for him as more then a friend but I haven't ever expressed those to him for the sake of not ruining our very good friendship well I thought was good until lately. And he hasn't ever shown the least bit of interest into me in that sort of way at least not that I have picked up on.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

CollegeStudenCo18 said:


> I don't know I just really was interested in some advice and searched out relationship advice and was brought here. Sorry if I offended you or anyone else by seeking out advice here my apologies. Not sure what is wrong with opposite sec friendships like I said we are best friends and have been close for an extremely long time. I asked his sister the other day if she knew anything and she was very hesitant to answer and didn't really want to tell me. And sorry it has taken me this long to respond back to the thread had classes and work today.




You haven't offended me. Not at all.

What I was getting at, was that perhaps you [subconsciously] think you are in a relationship with him. Perhaps not. If you have been very close to him since young childhood; emotionally he may see you as a sister.

But maybe not.

His sister being evasive with you [a long standing family friend], would seem to indicate there is something more serious going on. All you can do is be there for him and his family, and be supportive. Which it sounds like you are already doing.

I thought there might be a prosaic reason for him feeling down-in-the-dumps; like perhaps his cast was on too tight. That happened to me when I had a broken arm, and it was very painful. It took a while to figure out what was wrong, because I thought it was just the pain of having a broken arm.

But I'm sure his sister would have told you if there was such a straightforward explanation.

I hope it turns out okay. Good luck with your studies.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

CollegeStudenCo18 said:


> I don't know I just really was interested in some advice and searched out relationship advice and was brought here. Sorry if I offended you or anyone else by seeking out advice here my apologies. *Not sure what is wrong with opposite sec friendships like I said we are best friends *and have been close for an extremely long time. I asked his sister the other day if she knew anything and she was very hesitant to answer and didn't really want to tell me. And sorry it has taken me this long to respond back to the thread had classes and work today.


When I was younger, I used to think that men and women could be friends as well. Also just because you think everything is wonderful with the friendship does not mean that he thinks so as well.

One possibility, particularly if you two hang out together often, he may have noticed some lost opportunities because being with him makes you two look as if you are on date.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Broken bones hurt. Casts are uncomfortable and itchy. Getting around can be a pain, especially if on crutches. Until the bone heals and the cast comes off, your friend might be a bit more grumpy that usual. 

The depression and unwillingness to talk about it with you is concerning. It becomes more concerning when you add in that his sister is being rather close lipped.

I wonder if something happened over the break that he is trying to cope with before he talks about it with anyone else, if he ever talks about it with anyone else. Maybe something very embarrassing, maybe something deeply personal, or even something he knows about that is weighing heavily on him that isn't his secret to tell.

Regardless, let him know you're there if he needs a friend. Assure him you won't judge or be shocked or think less of him if he decides to talk to you. Keep an eye on him and if he seems to fall into a deeper funk, get campus mental health services involved.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

CollegeStudenCo18 said:


> I text him constantly but he hasn't really been replying to me but I did take him some dinner when I got off of work tonight and that seemed to have brightened him up a bit. And to the others I have feelings for him as more then a friend but I haven't ever expressed those to him for the sake of not ruining our very good friendship well I thought was good until lately. And he hasn't ever shown the least bit of interest into me in that sort of way at least not that I have picked up on.


It is always nice when we can bring a smile to another... your effort brought a smile to my face, quite contagious, yes? :smile2:

That you know you have more feelings than just a friend toward him is usable energy only if feelings as such do not create obstacles in your life or cause a suffering. Others here share wisdom about younger friendships and I watched my own daughters maneuver through theirs going through university. Your friendships will grow or fade as time passes... this happens with growth so do not fear it because you will not change it no matter how hard you try. Think about how best you can embrace it as your friend navigates his own growth in his challenges ahead. Right now, his biggest challenge is within himself as his body repairs itself, probably most uncomfortably, annoyed at inconvenience and probably a touch of pride as his self-reliance is suffering. Let him know you understand in a mindful way that he is right "it sucks", and move on with acceptance that this is only a small moment in his life while trusting his friends to help where needed.

A good friend is patient and nonjudgemental, but our own pride often doesn't allow our sharing because we ourselves are often not as such so we project our own shortcomings on others.. welcome to being human. This is a wonderful window to work on or affirm that part of you, the self. What is bothering him will show itself when it is ready, nothing to rush as you show yourself to be the friend you are.

A friend gives and endures when is hard to give or endure. We trust to keeps our secrets and to honor others. We don't abandon or become abandoned when misfortunes strikes, are feeling down & out, and never looks down on you. I have made this a central practice with every person I call a friend.

Please don't let feelings for him hold back your own paths... you cannot grow restrained. If your path is together, it will come naturally... relax and enjoy each day without expectations .

Continue to keep your heart open... it is a wonderful side of you clearly seen.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Hey little one. I would suggest being honest with him. The two of you have been friends for so long the only thing to do is let him know. My daughter like a guy that she had been friends with for years. He was a couple yrs older then her. She talked with him one day. He was as kind as he could be, but explained that he loved her as a sister. They talked for an hour or so. He made sure they were good before talk was over. He never treated her differently after that and they remain friends to this day.


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## CollegeStudenCo18 (Jan 6, 2017)

notmyrealname4 said:


> You haven't offended me. Not at all.
> 
> What I was getting at, was that perhaps you [subconsciously] think you are in a relationship with him. Perhaps not. If you have been very close to him since young childhood; emotionally he may see you as a sister.
> 
> ...



No, I know I am not in a relationship with him other then our Friendship. I know I have feelings for him as something more but I haven't pursued that because I do not want to mess up our relationship as is. His Sisters boyfriend that I know and I talked to him and said something about him having a seizure while they were screwing around doing dumb crap and that is how the he broke his ankle. I don't feel like I should even talk to him about this or bring it up until he feels the time is right. But other then that things seems to be getting a tad better he was at least joking with me on our way to classes today school gave him a scooter thing to ride around on to help getting to class.


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## CollegeStudenCo18 (Jan 6, 2017)

Forgot to say that I did ask the School counselors to talk to him and they said they would on Monday. But now that I might know whats going on I am not sure if it is even necessary but I suppose it is better to be safe then sorry.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

I'm confused about the narrative that men and women can't be friends. I assume that refers to heterosexuals. What about bisexuals - is everybody off limits?

I've had opposite sex friendships where nobody wanted or tried to turn them sexual. I've also had opposite sex friendships where I secretly was attracted to the opposite sex friend.

That was when I was in my 20s and being single was my long term default state. Being married with a kid, it would feel wrong to regularly spend time one on one with women other than my wife.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

CollegeStudenCo18 said:


> No, I know I am not in a relationship with him other then our Friendship. I know I have feelings for him as something more but I haven't pursued that because I do not want to mess up our relationship as is. His Sisters boyfriend that I know and I talked to him and said something about him having a seizure while they were screwing around doing dumb crap and that is how the he broke his ankle. I don't feel like I should even talk to him about this or bring it up until he feels the time is right. But other then that things seems to be getting a tad better he was at least joking with me on our way to classes today school gave him a scooter thing to ride around on to help getting to class.


I think this is absolutly the right forum for you to post on: "General Relationship".

I hate to break it to you but you are in a relationship with him. On these forums, we old farts call it an "emotional affair" (EA) and usually it comes up because it can be a kind of cheating in a marriage. In this case there is nothing wrong or inappropriate with it, but don't undersell the space that this friendship fills up in your life.

There are lots of kinds of intimacies beyond the physical: Emotional, intellectual, and various personal and functional intimacies, like financial, that make for a healthy marriage. Your feelings for him are being fed and sustained by various non-physical intimacies in the "friendship" and when he withdraws that intimacy, it is painful for you. Ironically if you walked away from the friendship he will probably feel some loss also. Though that does not mean he wants a relationship with you, or with anyone, right now. Its just how people pull at our hearts throughout our lives.

You have to decide what you want and act accordingly. Once you do, we will probably have more advice, but I will hold back from making this post a wall of text.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he had a seizure, that's pretty scary. Maybe he's dealing with his mortality, wondering if his plans aren't going to materialize.


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## CollegeStudenCo18 (Jan 6, 2017)

turnera said:


> If he had a seizure, that's pretty scary. Maybe he's dealing with his mortality, wondering if his plans aren't going to materialize.


Yeah I took him out to his favorite restaurant tonight and he finally opened up a bit. So I he admitted what happened and also admitted he was planning on entering the Navel academy after he graduated from College and got his degree. So if he does have epilepsy that is pretty much finished and there is absolutely no way he could go. So this whole ordeal has hit him like a brick and he isn't sure how to go on with his dreams being crushed. I feel so bad for him but I don't even know how to help him in this position. I am very happy he decided to speak up and talk to me though.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Perhaps he is suffering from depression. He has several signs. Persist unless you find another reason. too many people are hurting themselves today because of depression


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You could do some research on careers he can have, even with epilepsy, that allow him to be as close to a career Naval person as possible. Like NASA is full of contractors; maybe the Navy hires contractors, too. Help him visualize other avenues.


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## CollegeStudenCo18 (Jan 6, 2017)

School counselors met with him today and they talked for awhile. I am not sure if it helped or not he said it did, But I suppose only time will tell. I noticed he was a little more depressed today and his roommate said he had a seizure this morning so its up and down. His parents asked if I would drive him down Friday to see his doctor since he can not drive. He also asked me to move in with him just for the short term because he trust me more then his roommate and feels embarrassed having seizures and needing his roommates help. Not sure what I am going to do there since that is asking a lot and putting a lot on my plate. I do care about him and have feelings for him but to help take care of him just seems like a lot I don't know.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wait until you talk to his parents and your parents before making a decision.


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## CollegeStudenCo18 (Jan 6, 2017)

So I am sorry for reviving this thread but I need somewhere to vent and talk to some folks, My friend committed suicide about three weeks ago. I feel like it is my fault I feel like I did not do enough. I feel like I lost the only person who understood me lost someone whom I loved and cared about so much and yet didn't tell how much i truly cared about him or how much i truly loved him. I don't know why he would leave me or his family and other friends over something that can be treated and he could have lived a normal life. Just keep having flashbacks of finding him in his apartments bathroom. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to feel to be honest. I know he cared about me but how does someone who gave a crap about others do the most selfish thing in the world to do? I feel so cold now and very much alone.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

...


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> The bolded part above tells you that something happened when he went back home.
> 
> If the sister knew about it, it must be related to "their" family. Maybe the father or mother are having problems and he is involved. Maybe a fight, maybe a drunken mishap happened involving the family.
> He jumped out of a window, or off a roof.
> ...


Did you see the post before yours? 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CollegeStudenCo18 said:


> So I am sorry for reviving this thread but I need somewhere to vent and talk to some folks, My friend committed suicide about three weeks ago. I feel like it is my fault I feel like I did not do enough. I feel like I lost the only person who understood me lost someone whom I loved and cared about so much and yet didn't tell how much i truly cared about him or how much i truly loved him. I don't know why he would leave me or his family and other friends over something that can be treated and he could have lived a normal life. Just keep having flashbacks of finding him in his apartments bathroom. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to feel to be honest. I know he cared about me but how does someone who gave a crap about others do the most selfish thing in the world to do? I feel so cold now and very much alone.


You do not have to apologise. You are always welcome here. 

You need to see the counselling service yourself, now.

And we will always be here for you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TX-SC said:


> Did you see the post before yours?
> 
> Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


No.

Oh Boy......

So sorry

:frown2:


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

I am sorry for ur loss. I'm sure you did what u could have. Perhaps an important thing to realize is the depression gets you to a point that you not only want the pain to end but you think those u love and care about would be "better" without you. That is also a reason its hard to treat. You can not live someones life for them. The best u can do is be there as much as u can, support them, and tell them what they mean to u. I will pray that you receive peace and know there are people here for you also


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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

I am sorry for your loss....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm so sorry. I hope you can understand that when someone gets to that point, they aren't thinking normally. They're consumed with pain and simply can't put themselves in someone else's shoes.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

So sorry. 

Please know that he was not thinking about hurting you or his family. He wanted to end his pain. He was not in a state of mind to think about how his actions will affect his love ones. This was his decision on how to stop everything that was bad in his life. He probably thought he was doing all of you a favor by dying. Which is normal thinking for people in that state.

Now you need to get some help in understanding how you feel and how to get thru this. Speak to someone. Just know you did not cause this nor could you have prevented it. If he wanted to die then he would have found a way one way or another. 

It's hard not to blame yourself. We all think we could have done a better job of listening or caring. Whatever you did for him, has helped. However, his pain was too great for you to carry for him.

God bless and keep you well. Talk to your parents and friends. Get professional help.


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