# Husband Never Wants Sex



## orchidcouture (Oct 21, 2014)

I have been married for a year (no kids) and I am completely, madly in love with my husband. However, I am also incredibly hurt and feel rejected and undesirable because of his actions, mostly regarding our sex life. 

Once we got out of the can't keep your hands off each other beginning stage of a relationship, we settled into a more normal routine of 2-3 times per week. I was super happy with this, I felt like it was a perfect frequency. Then August 2013 it slowed down rapidly to the point where it was once a week, on Sunday morning. I am not a fan of morning sex at all, but I know he likes it and I'll take what I get so I would do it. I would always hope that we would break the cycle and for once have sex during the week, or at a different time on the weekend but nothing changed. I would try to initiate and get rejected every single time. Yet on Sunday morning there he was, ready to go when I've barely woken up.

Whenever I have talked to him about this, he said he's just been lazy and complacent and will try. I have put everything out on the table, how important intimacy is to me, how I feel closer to him, how I feel ugly and unwanted and hurt. I have completely broken down in front of him over it, and I have talked to him without emotions and just expressed how I feel. He has always been upset when I say these things and promised that things will change. Yet nothing has ever changed. 

A couple of months ago I decided I had enough of him not even considering my needs and turned him down on a Sunday morning. He was upset and I felt horrible about it but I didn't back down. Ever since then we have had sex once, initiated by me. He hasn't even attempted anything, not even on a Sunday morning.

He says that nothing is wrong physically and that I have done nothing wrong and he's still attracted to me but obviously something is not right. He tells me all the time how much he loves me and how beautiful I am, but I definitely don't feel beautiful. He knows how important sex is to me (it always has been) and it just seems like he just doesn't care about my feelings.

He is an amazing man and I know how much he loves me but I'm just not getting what I need from him and he doesn't seem to care. 

On another note... I love flowers and he used to get them for me when we were first dating. He would surprise me withe flowers, or a bottle of wine or something pretty frequently. The last time he bought me flowers was Valentines Day 2012. I turned 30 a few months ago and I told him I don't need a gift but a card is REALLY important to me (I don't know why, but they are) and I would love some flowers. I got nothing. I'm really trying not to let this get to me, we went for a nice dinner and friends and family made an effort and I did have a great birthday otherwise. I just can't seem to get passed this feeling of hurt becuase of it. I know it seems like a petty thing to complain about but I just feel like I'm at a beraking point.

Any advice?


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## orchidcouture (Oct 21, 2014)

Sorry, how do I move this to the correct forum?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Marriage counselling or divorce. Or marriage counselling, then divorce. Depending on how MC turns out.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

He is not meeting your needs.

There are two possible reasons for this.
1. He is selfish
2. He is not getting his needs met by you, therefore is mad at you, and therefore refuses to meet your needs.

#2 is more fixable than #1.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Big question is, if he is not getting it from you....where is he getting it?

In general, ask him what's up with lack of intimacy. Without this, if he doesn't meet your intimacy needs.....tell him you are considering divorce.

regardless if you like it or not, in TIME divorce will come if things don't change.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old is he? How is his health?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## orchidcouture (Oct 21, 2014)

He is 39. Health seems good


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

porn, masturbation, cheating. have you investigated what he does do to meet his sexual desires? 

I think one year and no children that you should put it to him very clearly. You will divorce him if he does not step up and be a proper husband. 

don't waste your life and your emotional well-being on someone who doesn't want to have an adult marriage.


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## ellaenchanted (Sep 7, 2014)

That's very very odd for a healthy 39 year old man to not want sex.... Is he getting it elsewhere?? I think you may need to do some snooping


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

While our frequency is not nearly as bad as yours, I am going through a very similar issue. Day 8 here, and I'm as mad a hornet. I feel unloved, undesired, unsexy...

Know you are not alone. You can read about my husband and I, by clicking the link below. Warning it's long.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It's time for a complete physical for him, including testosterone checks. 

When you say "good", what does that mean to you? He doesn't sound active; is his weight proportional to his height?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## orchidcouture (Oct 21, 2014)

His weight could be better but he's not overweight. He is active sort of? He walks for about an hour a day with our dogs, works on his feet an plays sports approx twice per week


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

All these things about weight and such are red herrings.

If he is unselfish, and he is having erectile issues, then he will go to the dr. of his own accord.


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## orchidcouture (Oct 21, 2014)

I don't think he has erectile issues. The few times we have had sex he doesn't have an issue with it and he always wakes up with one. He will grab my ass or touch me throughout the day and he has one. He just doesn't want to have sex with me. 

He did used to look at porn. I've seen it on his phone and computer (not through snooping) but I haven't been on either in probably two years so I don't know if he still does.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Make a deal with him, you both do it once on an evening when you prefer and once on a Sunday morning when he prefers it. You are then having sex twice a week which is a good compromise. If he isn't having any performance problems, a low t count or getting it somewhere else he might just be LD and it's something you will have to live with if you want to stay married to him.


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## Marriedand40 (Aug 19, 2013)

Tough situation you are in. A 30 yr old woman should not have to practically beg for sex from a 39 yr old man. I don't believe the porn addiction. I look at porno from time to time but I do it sometimes to get into the mood if I had already masterbated earlier in the day. If I didn't have two kids I could have sex every day. Kids put a damper on sex but that's OK.

What do you look like if you don't mind telling us? Are you a heavier set woman? You mentioned that he is out of shape and only walks the dogs. Do you dress sexy for him on a date and at home?

Did you pressure him to marry you? Lots of questions more than answers. Lots of sex makes a good marriage, ask anyone.

I can't see him being a closet homosexual either. I don't recommend begging him for sex, that will only boost his ego and act like the pleasure is all yours.

Keep us updated.


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## orchidcouture (Oct 21, 2014)

I'm 5'3", 105lbs, 23" waist, DD, curvy but toned. I get male attention a lot (not that I'm interested) and I know I look good for 30. I'm not bragging at all, I just want to add to why this is so confusing and why it hurts so much


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## orchidcouture (Oct 21, 2014)

Marriage pressure I'm not sure about. He really wanted us to get married and initiated all of the marriage talk. Then we moved in together with an agreement that we would be engaged within a certain timeframe... I realize how that sounds but that was my deal based on past experiences. That time came and went (1.5 years over), I got upset, took some time to myself. Then he proposed. So I guess when it's written down, it does seem like pressure


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The problem most likely you, unless you've changed significantly. The problem is somewhere with him or with your relationship. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Not you he means.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Ask him why he has not been intimate with you, or cares to be meet your intimate needs and watch his reply CLOSELY.


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## orchidcouture (Oct 21, 2014)

One more thing... He hasn't gone down on me in almost 3 years


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Have you asked him to?


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Rather suddenly he stopped wanting sex as much, then just gives up after being turned down once. Either he is selfish and doesn't see your needs as important or he's getting it elsewhere. Sunday morning could have been to keep you from getting suspicious. Did his routine change about the same time this started?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening orchidculture
If you look in the "sex in marriage" section you will find a LOT of threads on this topic - its very common - and really awful for the people involved. Look for HD/LD (high desire / low desire).

I'm in roughly the same boat and so I completely sympathize with how awful it is to be turned down by the person you love. 

I've spent 25 years trying to fix this - thought I had, but its gotten bad again.

Don't stay in this marriage hoping that this will get better - it may not . Its almost certainly not your fault. Some people (male and female) simply are not interested in sex, and that seems very difficult to change.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Once upon a time I would feel bad for women like you, but alas, my ex never told me how she ACTUALLY FELT and I never knew what intimacy meant to her. Men are idiots in this department. It takes one to know one. I learned the hard way, but would have never ever learned otherwise.

You guys need to flirt again at least. I think he thinks he can have you whenever he wants and that is why most men go into a routine phase. Men are very linear minded. If A=B+C then B-A=C and thinking about sex all the time is a waste of energy. You feel used and unloved because you actually have been taken for granted. He really is making it about his schedule and that is just selfish. It's really simple. It's typical in monogamous relationships. 

I think you guys should get drunk together and do something that is thrilling. One year is too soon to throw in the towel like chumps.

Get him to read a freaking book and OWN IT. The difference between you and my ex OP is that you asked for help. She just walked out. Don't do that to him. Don't be a B. Make it absolutely clear to him that THESE ARE YOUR NEEDS.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Just do more talks with him. And instead of crying over it this time, look secure and confident in what you are saying. Don't make an appointment for it. Have a glass of wine or two, turn the lights down low. Initiate a massage. A surprise bj wouldn't hurt mid week. I'm not saying you have to do all the work, but at least the first few times try doing your part and hopefully (he better) do his part and start initiating too.


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## lakergirl (Oct 22, 2014)

My situation is similar. For a few years he would secretly masturbate at night which really annoyed me because he knew I was interested but he seemed to prefer going solo than being with me. Now he doesn't even do that. In my case I think it is depression which has a huge impact on libido. Mentally he is not interested in sex and physically things just don't work the same way. Have you talked to him about his health - how well he sleeps, his overall energy level? Had his testosterone levels checked? Of the couples I know, it is the men who stay fit and active in sports or the gym who are still active in the bedroom!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You are 30 (you state you look good for 30) when did 30 get old?
Get into MC confront him him a safe environment with a third party. Put all your cards on the table. It will not get better on its own, it will get worse.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Send him to the doc.

Condition of marriage.

If it's medical, it may not just be his T. You may be saving his life.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

orchidcouture said:


> I don't think he has erectile issues. The few times we have had sex he doesn't have an issue with it and he always wakes up with one. He will grab my ass or touch me throughout the day and he has one. He just doesn't want to have sex with me.
> 
> *He did used to look at porn. I've seen it on his phone and computer (not through snooping) but I haven't been on either in probably two years so I don't know if he still does*.


I'm thinking it's THIS.... he is playing sports twice a week, he gets erections regularly.. yeah.. I'd be checking what he is looking at online.. sounds he is using his sexual energies elsewhere ..does he have enough time alone to get his porn in.. what about at night.. do you suspect he could be masturbating beside you? 

You are surely not overweight at 105 ! Unless he wants more meat on your bones..


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: Husband Never Wants Sex*



Hicks said:


> All these things about weight and such are red herrings.
> 
> If he is unselfish, and he is having erectile issues, then he will go to the dr. of his own accord.


It took me 18 months to accept I needed to see a doctor for ED. Never underestimate the power of denial.

And BTW OP, I am the same age as your husband.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

If he's anything like my soon to be EX BF, he is just overweight, lazy, and selfish.

Ooops, am I projecting? Sorry.

You are not alone. My BF and I have been together 2 years, lived together for 6 months. He has no desire to figure out what is going on. He went to the doctor at my pushing, finally called back for the results at my pushing, and MAY be going to talk to the doctor about them next week, with my pushing. He proved last night that he is just selfish. I have had my suspicions for a few months now.

Sorry, projecting again. 

I"m sorry you are dealing with this, it's a hard place to be.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, you need to sit you man down, create healthy environment for you and him to talk in and ask him why he hasn't been intimate at all.

Tell him EXACTLY how you feel about lack of affection/intimacy and how important this is to you. Also tell him your sexual desires etc.

He should go up and beyond to satisfy you!


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Was there any romantic activity during your time apart ( any one else)?


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