# Wife needs time to figure if she wants to be married.



## mandown1031

So, a couple of weeks ago i my wife tells 
me she isnt happy and not sure if she can continue on being married to me. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I eas tdy with thr military at the time. I was not expecting anything like this from her. I have spent the last 2 weeks crying and drowning in my depression trying to figure out what to do to win my wife's love back. Before i go on, i must let you know that i have cheated on her a number of times(3) and she has always taken me back. Honest to god truth, i regreted it every time. I haven't done anything in over 3 yrs. We have been married for 10 with 2 children. So when i get home from TDY, we have a conversation, she is not happy and says we are living like roomates. I will say, we argue often, mostly starred by me. She said that i missed all the signs that she was starting to feel this way. The night after the conversation, i decided to go through her phone, honestly to see what her sisters are talking about so i can see how to fix my marrige. To my surprise, she confessed to her sister that she had slept with another man but that it did not have anything to do woth why she may not want to be married. I asked her about it and she said that it was an eye opener for her, that she would let herself be soo weak and let it happen, it sas then she realized that her love wasn't as strong as it was before. I was devistated. She said she was sorry and that shee regrets it but she still needs time to figure herself out. I would do anything to keep my wife, i forgave her for her infidelity because i have made the same mistake. We have spoke a couple of times about the future in the past couple of weeks; i plead and plead my love and my willlingness to change but she remains steadfast. I feel that i am smothering her with affection and it is making everything worse. I do not want to lose my wife. She is not completley ignoring my affection. She still says i love to too when i say i love you. She doesnt pull away or reject a hug from me, she doesn't completley reject my attempts to cuddle. But i can definitely notice a difference, almost as if she feels obligated. Im not sure if im just reading too deep or what. She says she needs time, but i cant help but feel ive already lost her. We are going yo counseling on monday. What do i do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated
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## GusPolinski

Is she still involved w/ the other guy at all?


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## mandown1031

GusPolinski said:


> Is she still involved w/ the other guy at all?


no she is not involved at all with him and I can say that with confidence she showed me the messages saying that she cannottalk to that person anymore. I also spoke to her best friend and she guaranteed me that she has zero communication with him at all. She says it was something that just happened in a moment of weakness and that's what's open her eyes and showed her that she was not happy and not as strongly in love with me as she used to be. Its hard to hear that but I know I pushed her away and now I am trying to figure out how to get my wife to love me again I'm pulling out all the stops but I also do not want to smother her and push her away further by seeming as if I am fake. We had a small session with a counselor earlier this week almost like a consultation and just like I told the counselor,, I told her that it is hard for my wife to believe that I am genuine and my actions right now because I was never this but I told her and I told my wife that I believe that if my heart is in it, then i am as genuine as can be. It is hard to show this to my wife because she has a lot of anger and frustration right now. Her biggest thing is that it took this long, and for this to happen for me to open my eyes.
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## LongWalk

Be cheerful. Put on a good game face. Listen carefully when she speaks. Don't say yes to everything. She doesn't want a puppet.

Do you have any bad habits? If you smoke, quit cold turkey but say nothing. Doing speaks louder than words.
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## mandown1031

LongWalk said:


> Be cheerful. Put on a good game face. Listen carefully when she speaks. Don't say yes to everything. She doesn't want a puppet.
> 
> Do you have any bad habits? If you smoke, quit cold turkey but say nothing. Doing speaks louder than words.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have no habits like drinking or smoking. I'm trying to show her that i understand what is going on, and show her that i can be the man she wants/needs me to be. I wash clothes, clean dishes, cook, and compliment her all the time. I always ask her how her day was. She just has a hard time seeing it as genuine, because i was not always sooo concerned with these things. Looking back, thats all she wanted, to feel loved and attention.
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## LongWalk

Keep it up then. But be masculine. Don't turn into a maid.

Better to fix your house and do things that she would like. Fresh paint. Wired hidden. Leaky faucets repaired.


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## GusPolinski

So many questions...

Do you know who the other guy is? His name? Where he lives? Where he works? Whether or not he's married?

Do you have his phone number? E-mail address?

How did they meet? How long has your wife known him?

Did they use protection?

Has she asked for "space" or a separation? Have you been given any version of the "I love you, _but I'm not in love w/ you_..." speech?


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## tom67

Take your time but show her you have options.
This may sway her.


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## mandown1031

They did use protection, she has asked for time, not space. She has not asked for seperation or anything like that. She has ceased all communication with this person, and i ajve proof of this. We still live together, she responds to my affection, says i love you, hugs and kisses me back. I have gotten better about smothering her and i think that has helped. She seems more receptive to my affection now. The other day i didnt call her when i knew she was out of work,even though i knew she should've been home by then. She called and said that she figured that she'd call me because i haven't called her to let me know wherr she was, still at work. We had our first counseling session, it went pretty well, a lot of emotions and tears. I think we can weather this storm. I pray every day for god to guide me back into her heart.
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