# Need guys perspective again please:)



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Ok, Husband and I have been separated. He initiated getting papers drawn up right after his father died but then decided to not give them to me. We had about 2 weeks of him "being undecided" of what he wanted to do.

Then came Sunday when he said he wants to work on things. He tried to have sex with me that night but was ok when I just wanted to kiss and cuddle. The next night he rubbed my feet, and back.. backside and then slowly progressed into an amazing encounter that has obviously reset the divorce clock. My question is... is this a man's way of moving forward, or did he just want sex since even for him we had gone a long time (he has low drive). The only confusion left is wondering if he is really into us again or just wanted to have sex... 2 months has been killing me bc I am high drive, but didnt seem to be affecting him. He has not had a physical affair. AND, he actually embraced AFTER we had sex last night! NEVER has he done that before. 

Any thoughts on male motivations? Thanks!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Any sense for whether or not he's in therapy?

My advice is simple, know what YOUR boundary is. Often in these circumstances there is one partner that can't figure their ass from their elbow ... and they will heap disaster upon already painful circumstances.

It is fair game for you to say to him that you presume divorce is off the table given that he is pursuing you sexually. If he states that isn't the case, then hand him some Jergen's and send him on his way. Don't sleep with him.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Deejo said:


> If he states that isn't the case, then hand him some Jergen's and send him on his way. Don't sleep with him.


Sometimes TAM is just fun for the humor.

Thanks - this was funny and made me chuckle. :smthumbup:


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I would hope that if he actually said he wants to work on things that he really meant it - sex or no sex.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

nice777guy said:


> I would hope that if he actually said he wants to work on things that he really meant it - sex or no sex.


ok, im replying from my phone for the first time:0 so. im actually replying to all of you, not just the quoted text. the jergens was very funny however, it is very difficult to not sleep with him... i just checked my email from the phone and he sent a message to ME about surprise plans for my upcoming birthday if im interested to let him know so he can confirm. a... he hasnt emailed me in a very long time, b... he has never surprised me even though he knows i love good surprises. i take these as positives and will just have to learn to trust again. he also told me last night that i make him a better lover and i told him that he is the best lover i have ever had, which he is even with all the stuff from the past 2 years. thanks and i hope im not back in a few weeks inserting foot into mouth with we are divorcing again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Is he the type that cannot verbalize an apology or a change of opinion?

Why not be direct and ask him about the divorce papers?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

michzz said:


> Is he the type that cannot verbalize an apology or a change of opinion?
> 
> Why not be direct and ask him about the divorce papers?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, he has a hard time with apology and changing his stance. Maybe thats why he was waffling and jumps back and forth so easily. As for the papers, they are drawn up but he is not giving them to me. The only thing that bothers me is that they are ready to go so if he chooses at any time he can go get them and give them to me. He can say right now he doesnt want to do that but he will never commit to not giving them bc he is waiting for the other shoe to drop. The thing is, he creaates that dropping shoe and blames it on me which is why I walk used to walk on eggshells all the time. Now, he has to take me as I am or give me the papers... in other words I beleive the threat is always going to be there. 

I asked about going to counseling this morning and he was open to it. SO he seems to be making steps in a good direction, but Im still not feeling like home is a comfortable trusting place to be, bc his next "silent treatment" could be him giving me the papers at any time. If we start counseling, it will need to be discussed that the papers go away so they dont sit there as a constant covert threat over my head. If he doesnt change back to the loving supportive man I fell in love with, I think I would be ok whether we stay together or not bc I do not like the man he has been since we married... cold, manipulative, punitive, judging, mean and dangerous. I am seeing glimpses of the nice man and he has to stay or I will be the one to file papers down the road...


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## breathe (Feb 2, 2011)

I think he just wanted sex. If he wants to move forward, I recommend getting some help along the way, otherwise it will turn back into the same relationship it was before. It's very good he is open to counseling.


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