# Big favor ladies...need your valuable opinions!!



## duckman (Sep 15, 2009)

Long story short....I have a wife of 14 yrs and two daughters (12 & 8). I stumbled across cell # in her phone, only to find it is a guy we had argued about previously. Marriage was shaky for the most previous 2-3 years...

Multiple calls to and from this guy (who is separated from his wife) over the course of a year...I'd say about 35 calls...one at 5:54 a.m.

I confront her and she says it's just a friend...over and over and over... I am still having an extremely difficult time. How do I move forward? Secondly, do you guys think that it is possible that this could be what she says it was....just friends...? 

Last but not least, if you feel that your not getting the truth, what is the best method of finding out?

I'd just like a female's point of view.


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## gabejoel (Jul 8, 2009)

Has she given you reasons for mistrust? Or is this something new? To me you have to talk it out and tell her how this is making you feel.If she loves you she will respect your feelings.Finding out if it is the truth or not would probably be hard to do, unless you are willing to call the friend and talk to him .I know it is hard to have doubt and i hope you are to work through it. good luck


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## duckman (Sep 15, 2009)

I actually did confront him, however, I'm not sure he would tell the truth because I think he may have been "intimidated". I just need a little help in how to move forward. Thanks....


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Yes, it's possible that they are just friends. If he's going through a crisis and she thinks she can help/be there for him, she probably will. Also, as long as she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong, she won't stop. If you have a problem with it, she might just do what's easiest, which is hide from you, and talk to him in private (because she knows she's not doing anything wrong, even if it offends you).

It could also be that he's more than a friend but absolutely no one but her can tell you that. What worked for me was to become interested in the other person, ask how she's doing etc...eventually he started being more open about their conversations.


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## failedonce (Nov 11, 2009)

Nekko,

Great advice, and as you talk watch her body lanauage it will also tell you a story.


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## Katrin (Nov 10, 2009)

Listen to what your gut instinct is telling you, it usually doesn't lie. With that being said, figure out what you want. If the marriage is important to you, can the problems that have caused your marriage to be shakey for the last few years, be solved? Your gut will tell you this also. Then make a decision, to solve the problems, if solvable, or move on? An affair is a symptom of a troubled marriage, to escape from the real issues. Without solving them, the marriage doesn't stand much chance even if she isn't having an affair.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

duckman said:


> Long story short....I have a wife of 14 yrs and two daughters (12 & 8). I stumbled across cell # in her phone, only to find it is a guy we had argued about previously. Marriage was shaky for the most previous 2-3 years...
> 
> Multiple calls to and from this guy (who is separated from his wife) over the course of a year...I'd say about 35 calls...one at 5:54 a.m.
> 
> ...



What you do depends on many things including your seriousness and economic situation... as well as your intelligence.
If you really want to know whats going on, you have many options, none of them free...
but you can certainly find out the truth.


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## MrsJay (Nov 10, 2009)

duckman said:


> Long story short....I have a wife of 14 yrs and two daughters (12 & 8). I stumbled across cell # in her phone, only to find it is a guy we had argued about previously. Marriage was shaky for the most previous 2-3 years...
> 
> Multiple calls to and from this guy (who is separated from his wife) over the course of a year...I'd say about 35 calls...one at 5:54 a.m.
> 
> ...


The only thing that you can do at this ponit is wait...time will tell all. And if keep on pushing the issue you're just going to make her cover her tracks better (if she's doing something). Also,ask yourself has she changed in anyway? Does she wear sexy underwear? look for things that she's never did..but is now doing..

I hope this helps a little...good luck


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

duckman said:


> Multiple calls to and from this guy (who is separated from his wife) over the course of a year...I'd say about 35 calls...one at 5:54 a.m.


Sounds mighty fishy to me. I have friends who are male and my husband has met them, none of them would be calling in the early morning 5 to 6am for any reason, more so on an ongoing basis.
You need to get some info on ways to pick up cell phone conversations, as its pretty easy to do if you know how, that way you can hear what they are saying. Baby monitors can pick up radio waves as other things. That way, you'll be sure and not go by your gut feeling.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Just friends. I'd never read that one in any of the other EA posts.

Let me ask you this. After any of these calls, did she come to you and say:

"I'm really worried about my friend John. He's going through such a hard time right now and I don't know how I can help him. What say we have him over for dinner and see if we can't make him feel better".

No? She seemed to be sneaky about these calls...?


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## duckman (Sep 15, 2009)

No....actually, we had a 'argument' over this 'friend' already. She knew I would have a serious problem with this 'friend'. That's why she always would delete calls / txts prior to coming home.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Typically, there would be no need to hide communications if he were just a friend...I agree with Cody5 on this one...on the other hand, you confronted him in the past and intimidated him so I guess you do give her a reason to hide it, even if only a friendship.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Speaking as a guy.... Men just have no time for women they are not sexually interested in. So while she "might" just view him as a friend, she is most certainly a sexual goal for him.

May be worth using a keylogger on the computer and digging a little deeper.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

good points, atholk & M22....the book, Not Just Friends might be enlightening to her...she may not even realize how emotionally attached she is...because if a male friendship were causing issues within my marriage I'd respect my husband's feelings and back way off on the friendship...priorities.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Atholk said:


> Speaking as a guy.... Men just have no time for women they are not sexually interested in. So while she "might" just view him as a friend, she is most certainly a sexual goal for him.
> 
> May be worth using a keylogger on the computer and digging a little deeper.


Speaking as a gal....most men DO NOT talk to men on private matters that involve relationships, feelings or anything of the sort. If a man really has some serious issues, he's crushed by his divorce, he has serious problems with his girlfriend, he's in a weaker moment in life etc...he most likely will talk to a woman. That's a fact.

I've had about 5-10 male friends who poured their heart out to me because i quote 'you can't talk to other men about this if you don't want to appear as a sissy or weakling'. Whether those men would have banged me or not, whether they thought about having sex with me, maybe yes, maybe no. Did those men ever try anything or push it in a more inapropriate direction? NO. 

Leaving all this aside and assuming Atholk is right and he is interested in her sexually...well, you aren't married to him, you're married to her. Since she's your wife, she should know better than to lead him to believe that relationship can ever become sexual.This is all about your relationship with your wife. Do you trust her enough? THink she;s happy in your marriage? Can you do anything to improve that or support her more?


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## nonnie (Dec 19, 2009)

It is possible that this is an innocent friendship, however, there are a couple of things I would like to point out. You say you had argued about this guy before, so your wife knows how you feel, yet still carries on a friendship with him. You were looking through her phone, which, along with the prior argument just mentioned, indicates you have trust issues. Were these trust issues caused by the phone calls, or were the phone calls caused by the trust issues? My point is that your wife's friendship with this guy could be the cause of your marital problems, or merely a symptom of a problem that already existed. Either way, I would suggest some alone time with your wife for the purpose of discussing the state of your marriage, and please be completely open and honest with her in a calm non threatening manner. If she is afraid of you, she will never open it. Then just take it from there.


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## humangirl (Jul 16, 2009)

They really could just be friends. Is she willing to discuss their conversations. Can she talk to you about it without you becoming upset. Has she cheated on you in the past. Discuss it with her without accusing her of doing wrong & watch her reaction. You can probably sense when she is being dishonest.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I believe, bottom line, if you have to hide it or be secretive about it, then you know there is something wrong with it.


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