# Coping with my wife's infidelity update.



## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

The whole story

Today, after what happened last night at my friends' place, she came to see me. It made me really mad because she doesn't seem to understand my need for a break.

I also begin to think that she misses my efforts and not me, as a person. She couldn't choose her words more poorly.

I also received a call from a friend that felt really sorry for contributing to the deceit and apparently, my soon to be ex wife, had another some sort of affair, before. She kissed a guy in a hotel while being drunk. This was before we get married, but while we were engaged. 
When I confronted her about this. She didn't deny it but she considers it as a minor detail and that she doesn't even remember that guy's face.

I hate myself for loving her, I think that I had tons of signs of her emotional selfishness but was just blind about it.

Anyway, I did a stupid thing. She kept "coercing" me into giving us another chance and that I had to go back with her and she's about to make it up for me (I don't know what she's talking about, and didn't even tried to). I told her that I met a girl online and that I slept with her right after we seperated.
Which is false. I met a girl online, I feel a little bit guilty of accepting her affection but I feel really lonely and she's been somewhat in the same situation as me.
Anyway, I spoke to the online girl and she agreed to not rush things and to just make a casual chat but I can't help but feel that I'm not worth better than my cheating wife.

But I didn't know what to do to stop her from hurting me further with her incapacity to understand my need for space and her lack of consideration.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Do you two stil live in Tiunisia? Am asking because you really need some concueling for your self. And knowing the macho coulture in Tunisia. Finding one can be difficult. But you need to find one IC ASAP.



And you also really need to sitt down with you do called friends. And have them to tell if there is more ,stories you dont know about


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> Do you two stil live in Tiunisia? Am asking because you really need some concueling for your self. And knowing the macho coulture in Tunisia. Finding one can be difficult. But you need to find one IC ASAP.
> 
> And you also really need to sitt down with you do called friends. And have them to tell if there is more ,stories you dont know about


Aside from the macho culture, there isn't really proper counselors in Tunisia. That's why I feel really lost and have the internet as only way to deal with this and have an opinion about it.
There are psychiatrists, but psychiatrists in Tunisia either would tell you to find your answer in islam or knock you out with anti depressors.

Good thing that I'll soon leave the country. I might find help where I'm heading.

I don't think I'm ready to hear anymore details and I have to admit that it scares me to find out more.
But my mind is made up, I am going to leave her.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Your wife sounds like she suffers from BPD. 

_The disorder typically involves an unusual degree of instability in mood and black-and-white thinking, or splitting. BPD often manifests itself in idealization and devaluation episodes and chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, issues with self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self._

Borderline personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

You said in your original thread that you have enough evidence of cheating. Now comes the decision as to leave her or stay with her. You have no children, seems easy to leave and find better because there is better and you deserve better. Unless youre religous and you dont believe in divorce, then whatever you decide stick to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Many of these cheaters have an ego, once you stop trying to gain them back, once you start forgetting about hem moving on, leaving them behind, they wake up a bit. Some do change some dont change. Decide what you want to do and keep reading threads on here of others experiences and decisions to R or D
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Your wife sounds like she suffers from BPD.
> 
> _The disorder typically involves an unusual degree of instability in mood and black-and-white thinking, or splitting. BPD often manifests itself in idealization and devaluation episodes and chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, issues with self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self._
> 
> Borderline personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


I'm not familiar with this disorder. I recognize she has a lot of mood instability where she's happy and then she isn't. Or when she loves doing something and then becomes really angry if I bought it up. I learned to sense these episodes, but I never felt it interfering with how I feel about her.

I never understood why she's this way. She has nice supportive parents and had pretty normal childhood. She started having these issues after she turned 10 but never understood why, at least that's what she told me.



CleanJerkSnatch said:


> You said in your original thread that you have enough evidence of cheating. Now comes the decision as to leave her or stay with her. You have no children, seems easy to leave and find better because there is better and you deserve better. Unless youre religous and you dont believe in divorce, then whatever you decide stick to it.
> 
> Many of these cheaters have an ego, once you stop trying to gain them back, once you start forgetting about hem moving on, leaving them behind, they wake up a bit. Some do change some dont change. Decide what you want to do and keep reading threads on here of others experiences and decisions to R or D


I'm not religious at all. My experience with islam made it repulsive to me. I made my mind on leaving her.
In fact, I'm starting the divorce procedures tomorrow, it won't take too long or be too hard, that's the only up side in my life right now.

But I feel really lost and devastated though. I don't where to begin on healing myself, and I don't won't to leave it only to time because I don't want to become a bitter cynical person.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Spunoh said:


> Aside from the macho culture, there isn't really proper counselors in Tunisia.* That's why I feel really lost and have the internet as only way to deal with this and have an opinion about it.* Thats why we are here for you buddy.
> There are psychiatrists, but psychiatrists in Tunisia either would tell you to find your answer in islam or knock you out with anti depressors.
> 
> *Good thing that I'll soon leave the country. I might find help where I'm heading.* Ihope so to
> ...


Wish you the best..And keep posting


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> Wish you the best..And keep posting


Thanks a lot. This website have been really helpful and the speed as to getting answers is really amazing.
I wish we would've met under other circumstances, though.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Spunoh said:


> Thanks a lot. This website have been really helpful and the speed as to getting answers is really amazing.
> *I wish we would've met under other circumstances, though.*


Feel the same


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife has absolutely no guilt or remorse. She chose to betray her vows and you and did so without any worry or guilt. She tells you to get over it, and to feel sorry for her feeling bad because her lover is leaving her.

Seriously, how could you ever consider being with someone who has so much obvious hatred for you? People who care, respect and love you would never, ever, treat you like she is treating you.

I've advised a lot of betrayed spouses on how to reconcile their marriage, but for you I have no such advice. A marriage can only be saved if both people love and respect each other and of the cheater feels remorse and feels the pain of the betrayed. Your wife feels no remorse, and has no care for your pain.

My advice is to expose her cheating to friends and family, and to put effort into the finding out about the OM. He likely has a wife or GF back in the US and you should be contacting her and exposing that he is a cheater while in Tunisia.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Your wife has absolutely no guilt or remorse. She chose to betray her vows and you and did so without any worry or guilt. She tells you to get over it, and to feel sorry for her feeling bad because her lover is leaving her.
> 
> Seriously, how could you ever consider being with someone who has so much obvious hatred for you? People who care, respect and love you would never, ever, treat you like she is treating you.
> 
> ...


He is divorcing her


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Jonesey said:


> He is divorcing her


Ok, but he also needs to expose both her and the OM.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Ok, but he also needs to expose both her and the OM.


I thought about exposing her but I backed out. I feel that I should not remain a victim of her deceit, and in my opinion exposing her would only confirm that status.
I have the guy's name and went to see his fb profile. He is listing himself as single and I am no investigator.

I also think that she'd be exposed when the divorce will be over, but I can't force her to be remorseful any more than she is. 
She showed a lot of remorses, both directly and indirectly, but my biggest issue is/was that she doesn't seem to understand the gravity of her behavior. If anything, she feels sad that our relationship is in the edge of being over. 

I want to focus on my closure, but I don't know where to begin. I ruled out revenge and exposing her, but I don't know how to seal the pain.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

If she doesnt understand the seriousness of this offense then the battle is far from over if you want to R
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> If she doesnt understand the seriousness of this offense then the battle is far from over if you want to R
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't want to reconcile. My mind is made up.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I wish you the best Spunoh


P/S I love Tunisia, been going to hammamet for a long time


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Complexity said:


> I wish you the best Spunoh
> 
> 
> P/S I love Tunisia, been going to hammamet for a long time


Thanks a lot for your help.
I'm glad you appreciate Tunisia. It has its share of flaws, but it's trying its best. You should definitely message me the next time you'll be going to hammamet, I'll show you around other towns.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Spunoh said:


> Thanks a lot for your help.
> I'm glad you appreciate Tunisia. It has its share of flaws, but it's trying its best. You should definitely message me the next time you'll be going to hammamet, I'll show you around other towns.


Thanks man.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

I got a reply to my text, she didn't say anything about my lie but she said she would harm herself if I ever divorced her.
She has a history of self mutilation when she was a teenager, but stopped it for a long while. I don't know if she's bluffing or if she's serious, but I don't want to risk having something on my consciousness.

Now, I really don't know what to do. This getting into a nightmare.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Spunoh said:


> I got a reply to my text, she didn't say anything about my lie but she said she would harm herself if I ever divorced her.
> She has a history of self mutilation when she was a teenager, but stopped it for a long while. I don't know if she's bluffing or if she's serious, but I don't want to risk having something on my consciousness.
> 
> Now, I really don't know what to do. This getting into a nightmare.


It's manipulation


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Spunoh said:


> I got a reply to my text, she didn't say anything about my lie but she said she would harm herself if I ever divorced her.
> She has a history of self mutilation when she was a teenager, but stopped it for a long while. I don't know if she's bluffing or if she's serious, but I don't want to risk having something on my consciousness.
> 
> Now, I really don't know what to do. This getting into a nightmare.


I'd immediately inform her parents of this. And she's manipulating you. She did this to herself. No one put a gun to her head and told her to cheat. You can't be responsible for her actions when she's in the wrong here.

Proceed with caution.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Exactly. This is manipulation pure and simple. If you give in to this you will lose all control over your life and decisions. She will have it. 

As Complexity says tell all her friends and family that she needs help. Tell them you have to do what is best for you but are concerned for her health and they must be there to support her. It can't be you anymore. She lost that priviledge when she cheated.

I wish you all the best


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Explain to her that she already chose to end the marriage. It's over, dumped you. The Dis at this point just legal paper work documenting her decision,.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Malaise said:


> It's manipulation





Complexity said:


> I'd immediately inform her parents of this. And she's manipulating you. She did this to herself. No one put a gun to her head and told her to cheat. You can't be responsible for her actions when she's in the wrong here.
> 
> Proceed with caution.





HappyHubby said:


> Exactly. This is manipulation pure and simple. If you give in to this you will lose all control over your life and decisions. She will have it.
> 
> As Complexity says tell all her friends and family that she needs help. Tell them you have to do what is best for you but are concerned for her health and they must be there to support her. It can't be you anymore. She lost that priviledge when she cheated.
> 
> I wish you all the best


I'm well aware that it's manipulation. It's getting exhausting. I really don't know if she's bluffing or not. Maybe, even she doesn't know it, yet.

I called her father, as I'm not really in the best term with my mother in law. He was really shaken, I almost regretted that I called him but I had to.

He says that he understands but asked me to go slow on the divorce. I don't know. I think that the sooner I get this over with, the better.

Anyway, he's going to talk to her. I hope he'll make her come to ther senses.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Spunoh said:


> I got a reply to my text, she didn't say anything about my lie but she said she would harm herself if I ever divorced her.
> She has a history of self mutilation when she was a teenager, but stopped it for a long while. I don't know if she's bluffing or if she's serious, but I don't want to risk having something on my consciousness.
> 
> Now, I really don't know what to do. This getting into a nightmare.


I had this threat. As it happens I know my WW is too selfish to do anything like that so I told her the options and where she could find tablets etc. needless to say she didn't harm herself.

Another time she started pulling her hair and banging her head against the headboard and I did have to stop her.

What she does is her choice. She checked out of your marriage. If you give in to this threat she will be taking 2 lives instead of 1.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> I had this threat. As it happens I know my WW is too selfish to do anything like that so I told her the options and where she could find tablets etc. needless to say she didn't harm herself.
> 
> Another time she started pulling her hair and banging her head against the headboard and I did have to stop her.
> 
> What she does is her choice. She checked out of your marriage. If you give in to this threat she will be taking 2 lives instead of 1.


I didn't sleep, I couldn't. I spoke to her father. I don't care anymore, she wants to stomp on what's left of her inside me.

I decided, I'm going on with the divorce.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

I was just about to write: 

"Is there any chance for you to R? Could you trust her again given the right steps taken as people describe here? Are you just divorcing her out of anger and or pride and the cultural pressure to not take that? Just curious how you perceive your ultimate motivations."

I see you are decided though. Im sure you know whats best for you given the inside information on the way she is. As long as you clearly know the reasons and they are YOUR reasons and you dont feel you are making this decision for.. well.. appearances and reputation (although reputation is important so its not a complete non-factor).


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

HappyHubby said:


> I was just about to write:
> 
> "Is there any chance for you to R? Could you trust her again given the right steps taken as people describe here? Are you just divorcing her out of anger and or pride and the cultural pressure to not take that? Just curious how you perceive your ultimate motivations."
> 
> I see you are decided though. Im sure you know whats best for you given the inside information on the way she is. As long as you clearly know the reasons and they are YOUR reasons and you dont feel you are making this decision for.. well.. appearances and reputation (although reputation is important so its not a complete non-factor).


I can't say I don't care about reputation, who doesn't. But my decision came from the fact that I can't trust her anymore.
Not her, and surely not her judgement capacity.

I wish I could've save our relationship, just for our vows' sake. But sometimes, some things are impossible.

So my ultimate motivations came from the fact that she doesn't seem to understand the gravity of what she made. This and other facts, I know about her.
She is selfish when it comes to her desires, this has been pretty much the base of most our arguments. It's just that I thought what we had was something special. Clearly, not.
She'll act on impulse and then expects the whole world to deal with it with as little criticism directed towards her as she wishes.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Spunoh said:


> I got a reply to my text, she didn't say anything about my lie but she said she would harm herself if I ever divorced her.
> She has a history of self mutilation when she was a teenager, but stopped it for a long while. I don't know if she's bluffing or if she's serious, but I don't want to risk having something on my consciousness.
> 
> Now, I really don't know what to do. This getting into a nightmare.


One more extra reason not to stay with her. 

Or you can be equally manipulative and immature and say you would harm yourself if she won't divorce you /joke


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

It's not your fault if she actually does try to harm herself.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

How are things holding up Spunoh?


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> It's not your fault if she actually does try to harm herself.


I know, but I'll feel the guilt. I don't know why I feel so guilty since the affair.

We'll see, I really do hope that she won't harm herself, but I refuse to be taken hostage.

Thanks for your concern.


Complexity said:


> How are things holding up Spunoh?


I had a long talk with her father today after he spoke with her. He says that he understands what I'm going through and that he can't dictate what I have to do. He's a good man.
I met with a lawyer. It's actually a little bit more complicated than I thought. I need witnesses, I spoke to the friends that did know about the affair and they accepted to testify that she told them about the affair and also about the guy she kissed in that hotel.
So much for not having anything to do with them anymore.

The good thing that I won't have to be there only to speak with the judge and sign my statement. My lawyer says it will be over in two weeks, tops.

We have a cat that we got together. In Tunisia the authorities doesn't intervene in pets and low value stuff, so I don't know what to do. Should I leave him to her? I know she loves him and she won't give him up easily, and I already have my dog. So I'll have to think about that.
We coshare a car, and I have the right to take it from her, as my lawyers told me but I think about selling it and share the money with her. I have no intention to continue drive the cheatmobile, and she did buy it.
But I was the one taking care of it and paying most of the expenses, such as the later added options and a repair due to an accident she had.

That's all. No alimony or anything, not from me not from her.

I guess that at least the divorce wouldn't be as painful as the for others, so I should thank my luck.
My lawyer gave me the number of a psychiatrist and said that he's really good with spousal therapy. I'll call him tomorrow to fix a rendez-vous.

Thanks so much for all your help, I couldn't keep my head stady without you guys.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

My lawyer gave me the number of a psychiatrist and said that he's really good with spousal therapy. I'll call him tomorrow to fix a rendez-vous.


Glad to hear that,my friend. You really need it


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Spunoh said:


> She showed a lot of remorses, both directly and indirectly, but my biggest issue is/was that she doesn't seem to understand the gravity of her behavior.


This is not remorse, seal your pain by know for a facr that she has no remorse you are better then her and you will not let her crappy behavior to define you you are.

She brings out the worst in you, so go find some chick that will bring out the best in you, and let your old chic go and suffer in her own missery while you grow to be a better man with out her.

I wish you could fix her and make her better.....buy you can't!


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Glad to see you are moving on and that the process is short and sweet. Wish it was so in the good ole USA......


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> Glad to hear that,my friend. You really need it


I just called the therapist and asked for a rendez-vous. First one will be Friday. She asked me to write her an email saying what I've been through and what I'm expecting from the sessions, I must say I was pleasantly surprise by her enthusiasm.



the guy said:


> This is not remorse, seal your pain by know for a facr that she has no remorse you are better then her and you will not let her crappy behavior to define you you are.
> 
> She brings out the worst in you, so go find some chick that will bring out the best in you, and let your old chic go and suffer in her own missery while you grow to be a better man with out her.
> 
> I wish you could fix her and make her better.....buy you can't!


I'm starting to feel she's pathologically self-centered. I really appreciate your support. The pain is still existing but not as mind crushing as it was lately.



KanDo said:


> Glad to see you are moving on and that the process is short and sweet. Wish it was so in the good ole USA......


Thanks a lot. It really helped me to not remain focusing on the wound. The US has a great legal system, but it really can be exploited to inflict more pain.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

The past few hours were rancid and devastating. After radio silence, soon to be ex wife went mad on me.
She sent me a text from a number I don't recognize saying that she's with the man she cheated on me with, saying that she's naked and that she just finished "thirds" with him. It got me painfully but I just blocked this number.

Minutes later, I had tons of texts and calls from people telling me that I need to deactivate my facebook profile because she's vandalizing my timeline.
It's been ages, I didn't go to facebook and I didn't think about it. At first, I didn't want to face people, and with time I just left it. So I go to my profile, she shared pics of tiny penises memes and caricatures saying that it reminded her of mine. She wrote stuff on my timeline saying that if I was man enough, she wouldn't go to find one.
The comments were the worse, some were of people saying they reported the statuses and others making fun of me and invinting her. 

I deactivated my profile and asked to change my username in here. She killed my social life and I don't know if I'm going to be able to leave the house ever again. I just turned off my phone and I can't stop crying. I tried to be strong and saying it's nothing and she's the one making a fool of herself, but the more time adds up the more I feel it sinking in. And the more I feel horrible.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> The past few hours were rancid and devastating. After radio silence, soon to be ex wife went mad on me.
> She sent me a text from a number I don't recognize saying that she's with the man she cheated on me with, saying that she's naked and that she just finished "thirds" with him. It got me painfully but I just blocked this number.
> 
> Minutes later, I had tons of texts and calls from people telling me that I need to deactivate my facebook profile because she's vandalizing my timeline.
> ...


Wow. That is awful. You are so well rid of her.

Don't know what to say except that we understand some of what you are going through and to keep posting updates.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> she's the one making a fool of herself


No doubt about it. At All. Even her "friends" are going to despise her. She is not going to be able to get any real man for her, not in her circle of friends. Even her girl friends are going to be scared about her, how horribly she can react. She's finnaly showing her true colors. Her father should know about it also. Forward him her texts so he knows what kind of princess he has for a daughter.

Nothing of it tells anything about you. She's clearly a very damaged person. Very sad. Tragic.
Don't respond to those texts. Get rid of FB, you didn't use it anymore.
Reach out real friends.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Is she high on something? Cheating is one thing but she's actively attacking you?

My suggestion is to expose her to family and friends and even her HR that she is openly cheating and you are divorcing her. Then go dark.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, the friends are actually going to be laughing at her not you. She just humiliated herself by doing those posts.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> The past few hours were rancid and devastating. After radio silence, soon to be ex wife went mad on me.
> She sent me a text from a number I don't recognize saying that she's with the man she cheated on me with, saying that she's naked and that she just finished "thirds" with him. It got me painfully but I just blocked this number.
> 
> Minutes later, I had tons of texts and calls from people telling me that I need to deactivate my facebook profile because she's vandalizing my timeline.
> ...


Call your attorney and bring this to his/her attention. If it's not too late, get screen shots. This is harassment and should be documented for your attorney.

I'm so sorry that she did that to you.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Btw, the friends are actually going to be laughing at her not you. She just humiliated herself by doing those posts.



:iagree:

True. It's no reflection on him, but certainly shows the kind of creature she is.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Save all the text she sends bragging about her sexual exploits. Copy all for your lawyer. Having her admit to adultery is even better than having a witness swear to it. Take a screen shot of Facebook if it is not too late.

Do not let her get to you. You are well rid of her.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Her cruelty reflects only on her. 
Her apparently drunken juvenile antics reflect also on her vindictiveness and immorality. Even those fb viewers who know both of you will feel nothing but disgust at her pettiness. 

You are well rid of her (and anyone who finds her fb post 'amusing'). 

Stay strong


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Torrivien said:


> The past few hours were rancid and devastating. After radio silence, soon to be ex wife went mad on me.
> She sent me a text from a number I don't recognize saying that she's with the man she cheated on me with, saying that she's naked and that she just finished "thirds" with him. It got me painfully but I just blocked this number.
> 
> Minutes later, I had tons of texts and calls from people telling me that I need to deactivate my facebook profile because she's vandalizing my timeline.
> ...


Please don't allow this to happen. Her juvenile antics are pathetic. She's reacting angrily because she's lost control and the power dynamic has shifted. Now you see her for what she truly is. 

You should've just scoffed at those silly pictures and went along with the joke. Indifference or sarcastic self deprecation is the best response in these circumstances. By allowing her to confine you in the house, you're letting her win. Call up her father and inform him what his "little angel" has been doing and why you could never reconcile. 

Get on you with your life dude, you're dealing with someone that's mentally unstable. All she's saying is all lies anyway, including the purported man.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Actually she did you favor. She humiliated herself much worse than anything you could have done to her. Now everyone will know what a nutcase she is. Just ignore her. No one will think less of you because of her spiteful immature facebook posts.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Is she high on something? Cheating is one thing but she's actively attacking you?
> 
> My suggestion is to expose her to family and friends and even her HR that she is openly cheating and you are divorcing her. Then go dark.


Cheating aside, childish behavior aside ... 

...she must have some (literally) mental abnormalities.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Divorce her. Pity her.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> The past few hours were rancid and devastating. After radio silence, soon to be ex wife went mad on me.
> She sent me a text from a number I don't recognize saying that she's with the man she cheated on me with, saying that she's naked and that she just finished "thirds" with him. It got me painfully but I just blocked this number.
> 
> Minutes later, I had tons of texts and calls from people telling me that I need to deactivate my facebook profile because she's vandalizing my timeline.
> ...


Bragging about being used like the s1ut she is? Tell her the OM will throw her away like the garbage she is after the sex. JUST LIKE YOU'RE DOING NOW.

She's so past the point of no return that anything that comes out of her mouth is baseless hatred. And you now the best and most cliche way to make a man feel insecure? Insult his manhood. She's following the crazy, jealous ex-wife script to the dot.

Don't worry about your manhood, most girls are fine with all sizes, and she's CLEARLY doing this to get to you. 

As for your fb, your social life isn't over. Your true friends would be on your side no matter what. If anything you know who those people are now. Give me one true friend than 10 fake ones any day of the week.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Thanks for your support and your replies. Deep down I know you're right, but still the pain is overwhelming.
I couldn't understand why she would do this. I'm not uncomfortable with my physical appearance, I'm uncomfortable that I married a vile and nefarious person.

Anyway, you guessed right it backfired at her. Since most of her relatives and coworkers are mutual friends, they were among the ones that reported what she did and unfriended her. Friends that dropped by to see how I am doing told me that she went on insulting others and so on.
I finally got the motivation to call her father a few hours back. He was destroyed as much as I was and he had a horrible fight with his wife, she's the one that had been enabling her daughter's self centered behavior over the years. I was sorry that she destroyed her image in her father's eyes. She has daddy issues while her dad is an angel, this can tell you how messed up she is in the head.

I admit that seeing her making her world collapse because she tried to hurt me made feel better and I didn't even feel guilty about it this time. I just wished to be unhurt, not even with her.

I'm meeting with my lawyer in the evening, he promised to make the divorce as quick as possible. Sadly, what she did doesn't quilify for court in here. There's no law against virtual bullying, abuse or harrassing so it must show how backward underdevelopped this goverment is. But we have enough people to testify to her adultery that if it happened a decade or two back, she would have been in jail for a long time.

What you said is right, I'm better without her, I just wished she could understand what her actions do to people.

edit: The "positive" side of what happened is that she killed any shred of feeling I have/will have for her. I have more affection towards any rabid dog than her.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> Thanks for your support and your replies. Deep down I know you're right, but still the pain is overwhelming.
> I couldn't understand why she would do this. I'm not uncomfortable with my physical appearance, I'm uncomfortable that I married a vile and nefarious person.
> 
> Anyway, you guessed right it backfired at her. Since most of her relatives and coworkers are mutual friends, they were among the ones that reported what she did and unfriended her. Friends that dropped by to see how I am doing told me that she went on insulting others and so on.
> ...


Don't feel guilty. You know that all of this now and whatever happens to her in the future is all on her and her actions,not you.

As for her understanding the hurt that she brings to others...

it's all about her, isn't it? how she feels and not about your feeling or anyone else


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She also did something else with her self-humiliatig meltdown that is going to backfire on her....

she announced to the world of other women that you are free of your cheating wife. Just wait, you're going to find yourself being pursued now that they know she's screwed up so badly.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

I wrote a previous post but I must have lost it due to my bad internet access.



Malaise said:


> Don't feel guilty. You know that all of this now and whatever happens to her in the future is all on her and her actions,not you.
> 
> As for her understanding the hurt that she brings to others...
> 
> it's all about her, isn't it? how she feels and not about your feeling or anyone else


Yes, it is all about her. I blame her mother for that.

I met with the lawyer and I agreed to not going easy on her anymore. Although there's no ground to sue for damages, she can kiss her car good bye. And I can file for the divorce without having to put up with the court effort for reconciliation (very interfering goverment and legislation).
Also she'll have to hear what she's done from the judge's mouth, I doubt she'd trash his wall or tell him that he's an inconsiderate mean person for not bursting into tears when hearing her say sorry.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Hows it going torri?


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Hows it going torri?


Hi Kasler, sorry for the late reply. I didn't see your reply until now. :/

I just had my therapy session today. It was a pretty good start, the lady is actually very clever and patient.
No sign from wayward (and it's for the best) and divorce should be pronounced next tuesday. I won't have to be around for the signature and a couple of "friends" are willing to testify on my behalf.
Thanks for your concern, it really touches me!


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I'm sorry for what you have been through, but I am heartened by your clarity. I think you are on the right course. You have everything in front of you. My partner and my best friend growing up both experienced very similar endings to their first marriages. Sucked at the time, no doubt. But they left it behind and today they are both very happy and successful, with wonderful, beautiful, loving, and healthy families. Neither would be justified in asking for anything more.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

I just got a call from my lawyer. He needs me to go to his office to discuss something that can't be discussed over the phone.
The procedures already took a week longer then he promised me, so this is frustrating. I only hope I didn't sleepwalk last night.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

I just got back from the lawyer's office. She left me a letter and as my lawyer put it: It won't be much longer but I may be obligated to meet her in a court-ordered reconciliation session if she asks for it.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Please don't allow this to happen. Her juvenile antics are pathetic. She's reacting angrily because she's lost control and the power dynamic has shifted. Now you see her for what she truly is.
> 
> You should've just scoffed at those silly pictures and went along with the joke. Indifference or sarcastic self deprecation is the best response in these circumstances. By allowing her to confine you in the house, you're letting her win. Call up her father and inform him what his "little angel" has been doing and why you could never reconcile.
> 
> Get on you with your life dude, you're dealing with someone that's mentally unstable. All she's saying is all lies anyway, including the purported man.


I agree. She made of fool of herself and showed how unbalanced she truly is. 

It's not your fault she is unstable.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> I just got back from the lawyer's office. She left me a letter and as my lawyer put it: It won't be much longer but I may be obligated to meet her in a court-ordered reconciliation session if she asks for it.


Well, if you tell them what she did on facebook, I think anyone would understand why you wouldn't want to reconcile.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Well, if you tell them what she did on facebook, I think anyone would understand why you wouldn't want to reconcile.



:iagree:

Nothing to worry about. That same issue came up during my scheduling conference with the Judge, to which BOTH attorneys agreed that "mediation" was not necessary or advisable in my situation, being a waste of everyone's time.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Well, if you tell them what she did on facebook, I think anyone would understand why you wouldn't want to reconcile.


I thought it would be the case. What happened in Facebook doesn't worth anything in court. The legal system doesn't involve it, but I thought given the circumstances the judge would understand.
She still didn't ask for it though, as my lawyer said.

If it will ever come to the point of meeting her face to face, again, I'll suck it up. I'll probably go using one of my mom's litteral chill pills.

I still didn't open her letter. My guts tell me that it will only make me angry but my lawyer advised me to read it, or it would be interpreted as a dishonesty from my part. This phase of the grown up world is getting more ridiculous by the second.


survivorwife said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Nothing to worry about. That same issue came up during my scheduling conference with the Judge, to which BOTH attorneys agreed that "mediation" was not necessary or advisable in my situation, being a waste of everyone's time.


That's the right word for it, mediation.
It doesn't work that way, in here. Very appearance oriented morals. Fake doing good, advise good, etc.
Check this, it's commendatory to wear the wedding ring (or a similar ring) to the court.

The lawyer repeats it will be only formality but he seems to not get the mental fatigue of dealing with this new lunatic that possessed my ex wife's body. Yet, it's not really his job to feel for me.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

It shall pass, very soon. Focus in the future, make your plans.
About the letter, you will read it if/when you feel like it. No hurry.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Torri

What was in the letter, good or bad?

HM64


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Torri
> 
> What was in the letter, good or bad?
> 
> HM64


Didn't read it, yet. I'm still worked up, I think I'll do it later tonight.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> Didn't read it, yet. I'm still worked up, I think I'll do it later tonight.


I know you are worked up and it is understandable.

Have a good night.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Thanks, happy man.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

So, I just finished reading the letter. I don't know what to think about it.
It's all nice things and surprisingly not centered around her. Infinite number of the word sorry, long sentences that doesn't end with how much she's suffering. Yet there's a huge but.

Basically, she's sorry she screwed it up and that she has living in hell since I moved out. She cut all contacts with her mother. I don't know if she's putting the blame on her mother but she says she called her mother to tell her about the other man (prior to the intercourse) and basically her mother put the upcoming stand as a way to search for her happiness. Whatever.

The huge but is that she's ready to stop her bull**** and come clean (come clean... I'm scared that she means other affairs or that there's more to her affair with that man) if I want to reconcile and she's ready to leave me alone for good if I don't want to.

Honestly, I don't want to. But I'm waiting for tomorrow to tell her about it.
I still don't know what to think about the letter. She didn't apologize about the facebook event. She didn't even mention it, all she talked about is how much hurtful and "parochial" (her word, I'm not sure I understood what it means) she was up until Dday. And that how much she had to understand her mistake the hard way, up from that point.

My first impression was, pretty nice gesture from an a**hole but I read it over and over and feel that she's done a real effort.

I don't know how to tell her that I'm done, though. Any suggestion ?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

It's just words. Her actions are what counts. Her actions are not really of remorsefulness. 

I think her letter is her way of accepting the reality of divorce.

She's too damaged, and you are too young, to go through decades of contentious marriage.

You have no kids, right? Then, move on. There must be better and nicer women out there than your present cheating wife.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

aug said:


> It's just words. Her actions are what counts. Her actions are not really of remorsefulness.
> 
> I think her letter is her way of accepting the reality of divorce.
> 
> ...


I agree with you. Her sorries don't cut for all the stuff she's put me through.
Now that I think about it, I think that she omitted talking about the facebook event because she was truly with the other man that day. She sent me a text message telling me so.
I think I'll just call her tomorrow and tell her that it's over, for good.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Or, you could go silent and let your lawyer continue with the divorce.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Tell her thank you for the letter but you are proceeding with the D and you wish her only the best.

Then run like the wind and never look back.

Because that woman sadly has some serious issues.....


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> She didn't even mention it, all she talked about is how much hurtful and "parochial" (her word, I'm not sure I understood what it means) she was up until Dday.


 Parochial = Narrow minded, myopic.

She's right.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Thanks everybody.
I went to the lawyer's office early this morning and we discussed the issue. He has the same opinion as you, meh kind gesture but what is done is done. And nothing has changed, the same moronic reasoning, she didn't say anything about the facebook event she wants the elephant to disappear by its own.

What we agreed upon is that he will contact her lawyer and tell him that blah blah blah but the divorce is still ongoing.

Thanks for the explanation Acabado, yes it suits her perfectly.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She will lash out again once you tell her that it is over. Give her some bull**** on why you are divorcing and end it without much drama


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> She will lash out again once you tell her that it is over. Give her some bull**** on why you are divorcing and end it without much drama


I really thought about that. One thing about her, either it's her way or the HARD way. So I really don't think any version on why I would divorce her would chill her out. If she's going to lash out, (as she did before: Promised me that she'll leave me alone and wouldn't contact unless I do it first, then did the meeting with friends thing, THEN the freaking public humiliation on facebook). I really hope that she won't do something similarly stupid again.

Anyway, I'm waiting my lawyer's response. He told he'd call me back in an hour but now it has been several. Freaking lack of punctuality.

I'm really starting to think she's going for the mediation now. I think I know her better than she she thinks I do.
Did anybody had to go through this ? How did it go ? Could you remain calm ?

Good thing, I'm having a therapy session in a couple of hours. I'm going to take the letter to the therapist.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Still no answer from my lawyer. It's killing me.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

If it comes to a mediation session then write everything down first. Bullet points of why it is difficult to reconcile (don't say 'can't ' or 'won 't').

It will help you stay focussed.

Good luck. Hang on in there.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Male sure you have a VAR on you at all times in case your wife , MIL , OM etc... come to you and start thowing false allegations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Thanks Chris, I sure will do that. It will be struggle to keep the focus on the main subject. Still no answer from her lawyer, they didn't reach a decision yet. I hope it's not a bad sign.

Hi Eli, thanks for the reply. Unfortunately, VARs aren't available in Tunisia but I will always be with my lawyer when meeting her. He doesn't understand english very well but he'll understand from her attitude.
Her mother in law is in the United States, and it's for the best. She doesn't like, never had, and always with the false allegations. Married her daughter for green card, never applied for one. Feeding on her. Abusive towards her, etc. It's really beneficial for my sanity that she can't physically talk to me.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Following your updates... 
Can't add much or give any thoughts of wisdom at this point, but good luck to you. Maybe your rollercoaster ride is almost over.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Thanks Lady,
I really hope I am done with the rollercoaster. I've never loved these stupid things, anyway.
Keeping a close eye on your updates, too.
Thanks for the smile. [:


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

I finally got that f*cking phone call, they're going for the mediation.
Unbelievable. For a few moments, I thought that she meant what she said on her letter.

Anyway, so it's for Monday, next week. My lawyer doesn't understand english very well, he asked for a translator but I can't afford one. I told him to ask to record the meeting, but it's not possible, apparently.
She's really making me regret every moment I spent with her.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Patience Torri.

Stay calm.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Ok less than a week to go.

Remember, write a list of reasons it is difficult to reconcile. Tick them off in the meeting as you cover them. It helps you stay focussed and gives something to concentrate on as she will inevitable try to wind you up.

Good luck.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Thanks Chris. I'll post some of the points and how to approach them.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Shouldn't she the one providing a translator? Your country official language is not English, right? If she wants to speak in a non-official language, it's up to her to provide the translator.

Ask that the mediation be conducted in the official language. If it isnt, then no mediation. 

If she can not conduct the proceedings in the official language, that's her problem.


Or, is the language issue the other way around?


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

That's absolutely my point of view. A non english speaking marriage in a non speaking marriage country should make for a non english speaking divorce. But there isn't a law forcing anyone to speaking Tunisian in a mediation session.
She's fluent in standard arabic but she'll only be obligated to use it when speaking in court. (Or find a translator).

I am going to ask her lawyer to translate to mine or make sure I don't distort what she's saying if I'm going to do it.
Anyway, I'm not advancing in my list. The only point I found, which is pretty valid in my honest opinion is that:
She's a lying cheating b.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Take a firm position that the native (official) language of the country be used at all times.

There's no need for you agree to anything since the ability to communicate clearly is not there.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

I'm going to see with my lawyer about that. I'm starting to doubt his abilties, frankly.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> I'm going to see with my lawyer about that. I'm starting to doubt his abilties, frankly.


If you know you can get to the other end of this mediation and still get a divorce, don't change lawyers. It will just drag things on and there is no guarantee the next one will be any better.

If you have doubts, pin your lawyer down if you can. I know it's difficult to do this sometimes but be careful with this.

If, for example, you change lawyers because it seems that you don't want mediation to work then the Courts could see this as an attempt to get around their system.

It's easy for this sort of thing to run away with you. Stay focussed and make sure your lawyer knows what you want if mediation doesn't work (ha!).


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

I had the mediation session, this morning. It didn't last very long and I'm glad with the outcome.
I finally detached from her, and this session was probably more beneficial to me then to her. I couldn't make it without your suggestion, Chris, thanks a lot, dude. Having my points written in front of me and crossing every line when I'm done with it made me feel I'm in control. And it helped me a lot.

I felt a little sad that she was crying, though, but it was more because of seeing her finally realize what she lost. I'm not a vicious person. I really hate seeing people unhappy, but I finally got through my skull that I'm not on a mission to make everybody happy on this earth.

I believe it's a stainy stinky chapter that was turned for good.

Funny thing happened. My lawyer who's a danger to the english language got pissed off by her ramblings (she kept speaking and speaking) so he said: Hey, if you talk talk talk, me and torrivien walk walk walk. (Miming a little man walking with this fingers). She got upset but I couldn't stop laughing.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Thanks for the update! Great news and made me laugh too


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> I had the mediation session, this morning. It didn't last very long and I'm glad with the outcome.
> I finally detached from her, and this session was probably more beneficial to me then to her. I couldn't make it without your suggestion, Chris, thanks a lot, dude. Having my points written in front of me and crossing every line when I'm done with it made me feel I'm in control. And it helped me a lot.
> 
> I* felt a little sad that she was crying, though, but it was more because of seeing her finally realize what she lost. I'm not a vicious person. I really hate seeing people unhappy, but I finally got through my skull that I'm not on a mission to make everybody happy on this earth.*
> ...


Torri

That she was unhappy was all her fault. You know this to be true. And it seems that she knows it also.

Take care of yourself and make yourself happy


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

The divorce is finally official. I was on the phone with my lawyer and he told me that the court finally approved. I feel less cheerful than I expected but the burden has finally gotten rid of.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Torri

I feel it would be wrong to offer congratulations, this is a somber occasion. I know that you must have loved your wife. Unfortunately her behavior was not up to your love of her. She proved that she did not deserve that love.

Be at peace, you did the right thing, as her subsequent actions proved.

Good luck to you


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Now you can begin to heal Torri.

Good Luck!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You have finality. As happyman64 said, time to heal and move forward, which I have a feeling you will.

Thanks for updating us.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I had mixed feelings when my divorce came through. It took a few days to absorb it. Give yourself time, but I guarantee you will start feeling better each day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Thanks everyone, it really means a lot to me.

Can't wait for the effect of time to take its place, Bandit. It's not that I feel regret, but I feel like I invested so much time, effort and belief in something that turned out to be a failure.
Anyway, given the circumstances I feel that it wasn't as bad as it could have been.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> Thanks everyone, it really means a lot to me.
> 
> Can't wait for the effect of time to take its place, Bandit. It's not that I feel regret, but I feel like I invested so much time, effort and belief in something that turned out to be a failure.
> Anyway, given the circumstances I feel that it wasn't as bad as it could have been.


You know I used to think the same thing. And then one day I realized that I now knew what type of woman I wanted in my life so I searched and did not settle until I found her.

I also realized how much I grew as a person, I knew I could get through anything life through at me.

You will see that it was not all a waste. The only waste was what your ex did with your love. 

Time for a new investment Torri!


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