# Looking for Help



## lfh78 (Jun 4, 2013)

Hi I am looking for help, I am new at this...this is my first thread. I have read a pile of the threads here and thought it's time I ask for help with my own situation.

I am in my 30's and my H is in his 30's also. Here is a bit of history...We have been together since I was 14 & him 18, he is the only guy I have ever been with, we were Teenage parents, got married in our 20's and had a 2nd child. I LOVE my husband with all my heart and cannot imagine my life without him, I am very attracted to him, and he is attracted to me. But I have LD (once per week or two) and he is HD I think (2-3 times per week would make him happy).

I am not trying to make excuses.....It is not that I do not want or enjoy sex with my H when it is happening, I just do not have the start urge as much for it. I do not need or think of it as much as he does. I need more sleep than he does, I am always tired/drained. I have seen doctors, done counselling, tried different herbal pills etc. without any luck so far of raising my libido.
I know this is as hard and frustrating on him as it is for me. He says he feels taken for granted and is at his wits end. We have had many late night conversations / fights about this issue in our marriage, and it seems like it always comes back around to this same issue. My H says its getting worse over the years. I don't know if its from the multiple surgeries that I have had (incl 2 c-sections & hysterectomy, still have ovaries) but when I go to Dr's they tell me that my tests come back fine....go out on a date night....(It's more than needing a date night or a nap). I feel like an alien.... I am wondering if anyone out there has found anything that seems to be working for them? I am looking for something to give me the urge/feeling of wanting more sex.

:scratchhead:
Has anyone ever tried "Femmed" ??? I have heard about it on radio and have seen on the web but would really like to hear some real world accounts beyond there own testimonials.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You are not LD. Having sex 2 - 3x week is normal and the overall average I'd say.

LD is sex around 1 - 2x a month or less.

HD would be almost every day all and multiple times each day.

I would say, have sex 2x per week, quickie and 1x per week a long session. So 3x per week, once ever 2nd day. That isn't a lot of sex and gives 3 - 4 days per week of no sex.

Would you like it if he always gave you oral and even used a small vibrator at the same time, until you had an orgasm? Then have sex afterwards.

If he listened to you more, cuddled more, hugs and kisses, romantic flowers and cards and surprise dinners, walks, would that help?

I've read posts were ladies gave their men foot jobs when they weren't in the mood and it works, the men love it.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Stay on top of this. You may be going down the path of LD. Do not let it happen!


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## lfh78 (Jun 4, 2013)

I meant I am satisfied with once every week or two, not 2 or 3 times per week.

The sex itself isn't the problem. My husband is always willing to give oral but I always prefer the orgasm during penetration.

Busy lives makes it tough sometimes but he has tried surprise dinners, cuddling, gifts etc. We normally talk quite often and very openly. The trouble is I enjoy all these things but they dont really make much of a difference in terms of my libido, it stays the same. But for my husband with the lack of sex he tends to start to pull away after a while. He gets depressed and questions whether I really want him or not. At that point he has a hard time making the emotional connection due to my lack of interest in sex. He has said that he feels I put all my energy into cleaning, weight loss, and my job and that our sex life always takes the back burner. He says he is worried about his age. He is only 39 but somehow feels his sex years are numbered.

I love my husband, I want us to be happy. It just seems like my body doesn't make anything click in my head and say "I need some sex" if that makes sense. Its gone on long enough that I know my husband is ready to throw his hands in the air. Just wish I could find a reason or a solution for my problem.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

lfh78 said:


> I meant I am satisfied with once every week or two, not 2 or 3 times per week.
> 
> The sex itself isn't the problem. My husband is always willing to give oral but I always prefer the orgasm during penetration.
> 
> ...


It sure is a breath of fresh air to have a wife like you here trying to fix your problem. Most LD women here say its not their problem it's their husbands. Are you attracted to your husband like you used to be? Is your husband more Alpha or Beta?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

How often does your husband approach you for sex?
How often do you turn him away?

Your posts so far indicate to me that you get horny for sex about once every week or two. Considering your age and kids ages, and work... kinda normal for a woman. If you are only having sex when you are horny for it, that would present a problem. If you are open to having sex more often, but are showing a lack of desire unless you are horny for sex, that would be felt as a rejection to your husband. So what you are seeking is help to get yourself horny and really wanting sex more often.

First thing to do is scale back on the "other" expectations you place on yourself. Clean home, supervising kids <- 1,000's of areas right there where you can scale back and or ask your H to step in a little more.

The purpose of scaling back in those areas is to free your mind to focus on sex! You need to become a jealous guard of your sexual self and not allow other responsibilities to keep you from thinking about your sexuality.

Spending time each day touching your body, caressing your body, just to notice how it feels and indulge in making yourself feel good. As you caress yourself and you are feeling the warmth of your touch, you imagine your husbands hands on you, doing to you what you are doing to yourself. This is different from straight up masturbation. Your goal is to simply wake up your erotic senses. If you want to masturbate, fine, but that is not the goal here.

Read erotic literature. There are several web sites where you can find naughty stories for free. These are two of my fav's.
Literotica - 100% free sex stories, erotic audio, adult fiction with wife****, bdsm, etc!
Free Erotic Stories And Sex Galleries | A Free Adult's Playground! Erotic Stories, Sex Galleries & Other Erotica.

If you've never searched out erotic stories before, it will be hit or miss to find stories in the genre that most appeals to you. Lots of women are discovering new kinks they didn't know they had as they expose themselves to erotic genres.

Once you've begun down this path, welcome and embrace every naughty and dirty though you have. Women are never taught HOW to embrace their sexual selves. We are bombarded with messages and images that tell us to be June cleaver perfect in the home, a competent and and driven person in the work place, but never any messages about how to balance those two personas with the sexual woman who is dog tired, stressed out, and HUNGRY cause she's always trying to lose weight. We read articles about raising a family, about getting ahead in the work place, but nothing ever comes across our desk about expressing and embracing our sexual selves! And it's not until we realize that our sexual happiness is key to marrital happiness that we start to focus on the more important things in life.

If you take this on, this is when your husband needs to step up, so you have time and energy to find your freak and let her out!


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Pink I cannot like your post enough!!! My wife needs to talk to you!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Thanks Brains! That post above is the reason why I'm here. Women's sexuality is complicated and gets shut down easily. I am here to rescue women!


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> It sure is a breath of fresh air to have a wife like you here trying to fix your problem. Most LD women here say its not their problem it's their husbands...


:smthumbup: Amein, brother!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

lfh78 said:


> He gets depressed and questions whether I really want him or not. At that point he has a hard time making the emotional connection due to my lack of interest in sex. He has said that he feels I put all my energy into cleaning, weight loss, and my job and that our sex life always takes the back burner.


How accurate are these complaints? They certainly sound familiar to me. I know at one point I felt like I was at the end of the list. Is that where you husband is at?



> He says he is worried about his age. He is only 39 but somehow feels his sex years are numbered.


I get this as well. Men often slow down as they age. So as he nears 40, he thinks his best years are behind him. If you hit a HD point in five years, you have the potential for some real resentment from him.

One thing to look at is His Needs/Her Needs. May help make sure that he is meeting your emotional needs and keeping a good connection.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I have tried "fixing" my problem many different ways over the years. I tried reading erotica, watching porn, alcohol, bubble baths, masturbation, herbal remedies, etc. H and I have finally accepted that this is how I am. This doesn't mean we can't have frequent great sex! 

We both noticed that once we started having sex I almost always enjoyed it as much as he did. I agreed to have sex whenever he asked. He in turn agreed to take over whatever I needed to do like dishes or bathing kids. While he does that I would grab a glass of wine or take a bath, or just go in the bedroom and get myself into a relaxed mood, whatever it takes to stop thinking about the kids, work, cleaning etc. Once he starts touching me, IF I focus on being relaxed and how he is touching me, I will get aroused and want sex just as much as he does. I have every confidence in my H as a great lover, I know he knows how to make me feel wonderful, I just need to let him.

I try to initiate as often as I can but it is awkward initiating when you don't feel desire. Sometimes I find myself initiating because I think I should not because of desire. I still feel a little broken and would fix this if I could as well.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I was about to write a reply, but Anon Pink beat me to it!

I agree whole heartedly that your situation is common. There are a million things to focus on in life, particularly if you are a mom, and many of those things are emotionally and physically draining, not replenishing. But here is the good news: a good sex life gives back. It's not like so many other tasks in life when you give, give, give and feel like you get little in return. If you can figure out how to get your sexual groove back and put in the time an energy to keep it back, it will improve so many other areas of your life and marriage. 

I was LD for much of my 30's, for many of the same reasons that you cite. It really impacted my marriage, and I wish that I would have addressed it sooner like you are trying to do. 

Anon Pink's suggestions are spot on: you have to nurture and keep your sexual self, and you have to make it a priority every day. Housework can wait, the kids will be fine without a bath for tonight, no you really don't have to answer all those e-mails TODAY, and yes a good hour of sex can be your workout for the day sometimes. 

Do something sexy or erotic or sensual everyday--it doesn't have to have to involve your husband, masturbation or even sex at all. Yes, some days it might be something naughty like porn or erotica, but it might also be fifteen minutes of mediation, or a half hour of yoga. Treat your self to a massage or a new sexy skirt. Sit with your eyes closed and imagine sex. Do some reading about men and women and sex in relationships. You'll find lots of suggestions for reading material here on TAL. 

As you do this, try to develop and build a sense of your own sexual being--not for your husband, but for yourself. Even on the days your husband is not available for sex or when sex isn't on the table, be aware of this side of yourself. It's a part of you, a very, very primal and ancient part of your being. Wake it up, feed it, embrace it FOR YOURSELF. 

Once you have it back, don't let it go. It will be imperative to having an emotionally intimate connection with your husband. It will be key to being able to solve other problems in your marriage. It will help keep you balanced, healthy and happy. I always considered myself a very healthy, fit person, but when I got my HD back my energy levels went through the roof. I need much less sleep, I became able to stick to a strict diet that has eliminated my asthma, I lost ten pounds and now weigh what I did when I met my H and my stress levels are way down. (My bathrooms are always dirty, but meh, who cares!) 

Easier said than done some days, I know. But now that I've found my libido again, I am constantly and hungrily guarding it. It's not impervious, so I've also made the decision to start individual counseling to help me learn to deal with things that threaten it. It's worth that much to me. If it's important to you--and it sounds like it is--you have to bump it way, way up on your priority list. _Do it for yourself, not for your husband._ He will reap all the same benefits as if you did do it for him, but if you do it for yourself, you'll keep it alive through thick and thin with him.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I know several couples who talk about and schedule sex for the week. Say you and your husband can agree on 2x /week. Look at your calendar, pick the two best days. He wont have to spend every day wondering if he gets to have sex that evening and you know ahead of time to get yourself in the mood.

There are many things we do because they need to be done. Things for our kids, going to the gym, scheduling doctors appointments, etc. I only want to go to the gym once a month - but I go several times per week and I generally don't regret it.

Sex is important. Sex makes everything better for your husband. It likely affects his self esteem and even his job and every area in his life. When you desire him and make time for him and share this with him (which only you can give him) it improves everything in his life. You might not ever feel like having sex twice a week - but you can choose to make it a priority for his sake. Be mentally and emotionally present - make your marriage and your husband the only thing in the room.

Reading back my reply sounds horribly 50's housewife - however it applies to whomever in the couple has the lower drive. The higher drive person doesn't get their way totally - but using compromise and advanced planning some middle ground can be reached.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

There is compromise and there is compromise. We can move halfway between his and her desire level when the delta (difference) is generally within the same unit of measurement (i.e. 3 times a week vs 5 times a week) but compromise a delta between times per week vs times per month which quickly becomes tomes per year and even the most skilled mediator will run away in horror.

The bigger the delta the more likelihood of systemic issues in the relationship...


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## lfh78 (Jun 4, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> It sure is a breath of fresh air to have a wife like you here trying to fix your problem. Most LD women here say its not their problem it's their husbands. Are you attracted to your husband like you used to be? Is your husband more Alpha or Beta?


Yes Mr.Brains I am very attracted to my husband still. And his is neither Alpha or Beta...not to passive but not controlling either.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

If you love and trust your spouse this is the most loving gift you can give them and yourself. I have to work at it all the time, thinking consciously about sex because it doesn't just pop into my head like it does for others. A happy sex life takes pressure off the little things in marriage, which can grow into huge resentments when a spouse is already unhappy and frustrated. If H and I had not figured out how to have a mutually fulfilling sex life, and kept looking at it as me vs him we would have probably ended up divorced or bitter. Sex is not something I do for him it is something we do together to strengthen our marriage and family.


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## lfh78 (Jun 4, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> How often does your husband approach you for sex?
> How often do you turn him away?
> 
> Your posts so far indicate to me that you get horny for sex about once every week or two. Considering your age and kids ages, and work... kinda normal for a woman. If you are only having sex when you are horny for it, that would present a problem. If you are open to having sex more often, but are showing a lack of desire unless you are horny for sex, that would be felt as a rejection to your husband. So what you are seeking is help to get yourself horny and really wanting sex more often.
> ...


Hi Pink, I really like your post!
Thanks for your in-depth reply, What you have said makes complete sense. We do have sex more often (not just when I am horny) and I always enjoy it once its happening. Sometimes too many days pass by, and it gets my H in a dark place. Also my H would like it if "I was to initiate it or want it more". I /we have watched porn together, which we both enjoy. I will look at your story links. I don't think that I have ever really been a high sexual person, but my H says its getting worse. I know that I have to make sex more of a priority, I just have to remind myself to think about it and to make it a priority, that's why I am looking for something to kick start my brain & body into it. I know that our marital happiness, and personal happiness is directly linked to our sexual happiness. And that's the most important thing to me.


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## lfh78 (Jun 4, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> How accurate are these complaints? They certainly sound familiar to me. I know at one point I felt like I was at the end of the list. Is that where you husband is at?
> 
> I get this as well. Men often slow down as they age. So as he nears 40, he thinks his best years are behind him. If you hit a HD point in five years, you have the potential for some real resentment from him.
> 
> One thing to look at is His Needs/Her Needs. May help make sure that he is meeting your emotional needs and keeping a good connection.


Hi Tall Guy
Yes that`s where my husband is at....
I know, and I don`t want him to resent me at all....


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## lfh78 (Jun 4, 2013)

Giro flee said:


> I have tried "fixing" my problem many different ways over the years. I tried reading erotica, watching porn, alcohol, bubble baths, masturbation, herbal remedies, etc. H and I have finally accepted that this is how I am. This doesn't mean we can't have frequent great sex!
> 
> We both noticed that once we started having sex I almost always enjoyed it as much as he did. I agreed to have sex whenever he asked. He in turn agreed to take over whatever I needed to do like dishes or bathing kids. While he does that I would grab a glass of wine or take a bath, or just go in the bedroom and get myself into a relaxed mood, whatever it takes to stop thinking about the kids, work, cleaning etc. Once he starts touching me, IF I focus on being relaxed and how he is touching me, I will get aroused and want sex just as much as he does. I have every confidence in my H as a great lover, I know he knows how to make me feel wonderful, I just need to let him.
> 
> I try to initiate as often as I can but it is awkward initiating when you don't feel desire. Sometimes I find myself initiating because I think I should not because of desire. I still feel a little broken and would fix this if I could as well.


Hi Giro Flee, thanks for your honest & open reply. Yes this makes sense and is a good idea. This is how I feel and I get these results when I try to think about it during the day or focus on it. My husband is a great lover, and he knows what to do.
But like you said it is awkward to initiate it when the desire isn't there, and I totally get the "broken and would fix this"


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## lfh78 (Jun 4, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> I was about to write a reply, but Anon Pink beat me to it!
> 
> I agree whole heartedly that your situation is common. There are a million things to focus on in life, particularly if you are a mom, and many of those things are emotionally and physically draining, not replenishing. But here is the good news: a good sex life gives back. It's not like so many other tasks in life when you give, give, give and feel like you get little in return. If you can figure out how to get your sexual groove back and put in the time an energy to keep it back, it will improve so many other areas of your life and marriage.
> 
> ...


Hi Getting It, thanks for your open & honest reply. It all sounds good, and makes sense. And yes this is very important to me and my H, but I don't know how to begin & how to find or wake up my sexual self ...... and then guard & keep it....i feel lost! I am gonna try to read more material on here, thanks so much.


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## lfh78 (Jun 4, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> I know several couples who talk about and schedule sex for the week. Say you and your husband can agree on 2x /week. Look at your calendar, pick the two best days. He wont have to spend every day wondering if he gets to have sex that evening and you know ahead of time to get yourself in the mood.
> 
> There are many things we do because they need to be done. Things for our kids, going to the gym, scheduling doctors appointments, etc. I only want to go to the gym once a month - but I go several times per week and I generally don't regret it.
> 
> ...


Hi Miss Scarlett, thanks for your response.
I have heard this before, and yes i guess it makes sense to schedule sex if you have that busy of a lifestyle. And also so that the partner doesn't have to wonder if tonight is the night? But we are now at the point that we have every evening together except the odd few, so scheduling isn't the problem. And I don't like the idea of having it scheduled....makes it feel like a must then, not a want.


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## lfh78 (Jun 4, 2013)

Giro flee said:


> If you love and trust your spouse this is the most loving gift you can give them and yourself. I have to work at it all the time, thinking consciously about sex because it doesn't just pop into my head like it does for others. A happy sex life takes pressure off the little things in marriage, which can grow into huge resentments when a spouse is already unhappy and frustrated. If H and I had not figured out how to have a mutually fulfilling sex life, and kept looking at it as me vs him we would have probably ended up divorced or bitter. Sex is not something I do for him it is something we do together to strengthen our marriage and family.


Exactly!! Well put, I totally get what your saying, that's how I feel to. So how did you & your H figure out, or what did you do to have a fulfilling sex life???


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

lfh78 said:


> Hi Getting It, thanks for your open & honest reply. It all sounds good, and makes sense. And yes this is very important to me and my H, but I don't know how to begin & how to find or wake up my sexual self ...... and then guard & keep it....i feel lost! I am gonna try to read more material on here, thanks so much.


The fact that you understand the importance of the issue and want to address it is key--just ask the LD spouses on this forum with partners who don't see a problem with having a sexless marriage. Start by talking honestly with your husband and let him know you are concerned and working on it, if you haven't communicated this already. Make him your partner in this. Ask him to do some reading and some thinking on it. This issue belongs to your marriage, not just to you. 

It might encourage you to know that I was in your shoes two months ago (but ten years into the problem), and then I found TAL and it is what started my turn around. I cannot tell you how big of a change has occurred in my life and in my marriage since. I still come here everyday to read and learn. I hope it is as helpful to you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...et-my-husband-trust-me-again.html#post1610326


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I've been with my H since I was 18. The first few years when everything was new, rebellious, and exciting things were ok. Trouble started after mortgage number one and child number one. I think we have read almost every book in the book store about sex and desire! After child number three I really had to be the one to figure this thing out. I really had to do a lot of soul searching to figure out where my resistance was coming from after accepting I have no spontaneous desire. I had a fairly strict upbringing so I had to unlearn a deep guilt associated with sex that I wasn't even aware I had at first. I had to work on not being grossed out by body fluid.I had to accept that I love being submissive in bed, that one was really difficult for me because I am not a submissive person in real life at all! I had fear of intimacy and still struggle with being open and vulnerable. I have a hard time switching gears from mommy to wife, hard time letting go of stress. It's quite the laundry list of issues, my husband was super patient and supportive for the most part. It is much easier now that I know where my resistance came from because it wasn't anything my husband was or wasn't doing. When your husband reaches for you really try to think about what your feeling, embarrassment, guilt, resentment? Your issues are probably different than mine but you can definitely get over them. Good luck, a happy marriage is really worth it.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Giro flee said:


> I have tried "fixing" my problem many different ways over the years. I tried reading erotica, watching porn, alcohol, bubble baths, masturbation, herbal remedies, etc. H and I have finally accepted that this is how I am. This doesn't mean we can't have frequent great sex!
> 
> We both noticed that once we started having sex I almost always enjoyed it as much as he did. I agreed to have sex whenever he asked. He in turn agreed to take over whatever I needed to do like dishes or bathing kids. While he does that I would grab a glass of wine or take a bath, or just go in the bedroom and get myself into a relaxed mood, whatever it takes to stop thinking about the kids, work, cleaning etc. Once he starts touching me, IF I focus on being relaxed and how he is touching me, I will get aroused and want sex just as much as he does. I have every confidence in my H as a great lover, I know he knows how to make me feel wonderful, I just need to let him.
> 
> I try to initiate as often as I can but it is awkward initiating when you don't feel desire. Sometimes I find myself initiating because I think I should not because of desire. I still feel a little broken and would fix this if I could as well.


This post is hugely insightful. My wife and I always had a very good sex life, but I initiated 99% of the time. Once I started it she ALWAYS joined in enthusiastically...Well worth a try...

the woodchuck


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## lfh78 (Jun 4, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> The fact that you understand the importance of the issue and want to address it is key--just ask the LD spouses on this forum with partners who don't see a problem with having a sexless marriage. Start by talking honestly with your husband and let him know you are concerned and working on it, if you haven't communicated this already. Make him your partner in this. Ask him to do some reading and some thinking on it. This issue belongs to your marriage, not just to you.
> 
> It might encourage you to know that I was in your shoes two months ago (but ten years into the problem), and then I found TAL and it is what started my turn around. I cannot tell you how big of a change has occurred in my life and in my marriage since. I still come here everyday to read and learn. I hope it is as helpful to you.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...et-my-husband-trust-me-again.html#post1610326


Yes my husband and I have had a lot of open & honest conversations, and yes we are in this together. It is a HUGE encouragement to know that you or anyone else has been in the same shoes....I am not alone....or an alien! I am going to read your thread as soon as I am done here tonight, THANK YOU SO MUCH for all of the help & info!


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

lfh78 said:


> Hi Miss Scarlett, thanks for your response.
> I have heard this before, and *yes i guess it makes sense to schedule sex if you have that busy of a lifestyle.* And also so that the partner doesn't have to wonder if tonight is the night? But we are now at the point that we have every evening together except the odd few, so scheduling isn't the problem. And I don't like the idea of having it scheduled....makes it feel like a must then, not a want.


Indeed to me it makes sense, a lot of sense. I am very easily distracted from my libido. If I am into my daily routine, my brains diverted my blood flow away from my balls most of the times, leaving the balls just hanging there with nothing to do. I could enjoy sex only during the weekend and during my days off. So, by scheduling, I am ensuring that my wife does not feels neglected. 

Off course this does not means that I am a slave of my schedule. If she wants to have a nice quickie outside of weekends, I will do it if it is logistically possible. What I cannot handle is daily sex, and I thank God that she is not a HD. We are now at a 3 to 4 times a month schedule. But this works because none of us are HD.

As an additional note.. BEFORE I was a TAM member, I thought I am a high-libido individual because I usually get laid every weekends  .. but after I am in TAM, I read about REAL high-drive people who could have daily sex! I am still amazed to this day..


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

lfh78 said:


> Hi Miss Scarlett, thanks for your response.
> I have heard this before, and yes i guess it makes sense to schedule sex if you have that busy of a lifestyle. And also so that the partner doesn't have to wonder if tonight is the night? But we are now at the point that we have every evening together except the odd few, so scheduling isn't the problem. And I don't like the idea of having it scheduled....makes it feel like a must then, not a want.


Considering scheduling intimate time, with the understanding that it won't always lead to sex. That is, get some time where you two just cuddle on the couch, perhaps some making out or playful touching, with the expectation that there will be no sex. Having some of that can reduce your stress, which in turn might make you more interested in taking it farther.


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