# Will she ever change back again



## shippon (Feb 6, 2017)

Hi ladies and all,

Male here and looking for some advice or feedback from your experiences

First time posting here but really looking for some advice and some of your thoughts. Married with a one year old currently, and I am wondering if the sex life or passion is something that will pick up again eventually, or is it doomed.

My wife is still breastfeeding at the moment about twice a day and I read that might have something to do with lower hormones, and it's always me making the advances and trying to bring back that loving feeling. I understand with a one year old it's challenging, but I am wondering if it gets better and when ?

We've talked about it and my wife keeps saying things will get better once she's regained her figure a bit more and its due to her being tired and due to the breastfeeding. We split the chores roughly half half and I do all I can to make it easier for her, meaning I change the diapers, wash the baby.

She seems to have all the energy in the world to look after the baby and I feel like I'm always put last. When the baby is finally asleep, she's too tired to do much and I feel she would rather just be alone. When we are intimate, she says she does like it, it's something she wants, and there is no discomfort, but just she's too tired. 

I am not out of shape and take care of myself so don't think it's due to me not trying there. 

How long did it take you ladies to start feeling "normal" again? Can breastfeeding really cause such a huge change ? My only hope is that this is just a phase that will end when the breastfeeding stops, but it just feels like things aren't getting better.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

You should be asking the MEN not the ladies. 

You're doomed


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

shippon said:


> Hi ladies and all,
> 
> Male here and looking for some advice or feedback from your experiences
> 
> ...


Actually, with kids the wife never feels normal again to be honest until the kids are gone. The passionate sex that happened, any time of day, in any place in the home goes out the window unless when on holidays. You have to have a heart to heart with your wife and say how important it is to you and she to have that time and make a point of including it regularly. Read HNHNs and work something out.
In my own marriage, sex was always present, but at varying amounts. Now that the kids are out of the home, in spite of our problems, sex is actually better than ever due to the fact there are less responsibilities. What you both do now will set the climate for the next 10-15 years in the marriage. Have an open discussion about it. The problem is that many couples do not discuss.


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

I disagree... yes kids change things over time, but if her drive was normal before the birth then it may normalize when she stops breastfeeding.

I am HD, and breastfed all 3 of my kids. It is very exhausting nursing a baby, and some of the hormones released during breastfeeding actually used to put me to sleep. Waking for nighttime feedings only add to the fatigue. 

For me, my drive was always there but exhaustion did interfere with making it happen. I found mornings worked well.

For me things did normalize after I weaned by babies. And once I hit peri menopause my drive increased even more.

I think it's way too early to say you're doomed.


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## shippon (Feb 6, 2017)

heartbroken50 said:


> I disagree... yes kids change things over time, but if her drive was normal before the birth then it may normalize when she stops breastfeeding.
> 
> I am HD, and breastfed all 3 of my kids. It is very exhausting nursing a baby, and some of the hormones released during breastfeeding actually used to put me to sleep. Waking for nighttime feedings only add to the fatigue.
> 
> ...


thanks heartbroken and aine. i totally understand that breastfeeding can be exhausting. i would say we both were HD before, but she just seems to be LD now. your experience is encouraging that after breastfeeding things normalized more. would you say that your drive increased back to "normal" levels afterwards ? if you don't mind me asking, what frequency would you define as HD ?


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

It sounds like your wife has lost her feelings of sexiness. When a woman gives birth we go from feeling like sexual beings to feeling like cinderella. I personally felt disgusting for 6 mos after my 3 c-sections. I never breastfed so I csn only imagine it makes it that much worse. 

Does your wife stay at home with the baby? I suggest finding a way to give your wife some alone time to reconnect with herself. Another idea would be to take a weekend away with no baby, just the two of you. 

Your job now is to make her feel like a lady. That may be hard since she is so in "mom" mode, but you can do it. Start courting your wife again and see what happens.


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

shippon said:


> thanks heartbroken and aine. i totally understand that breastfeeding can be exhausting. i would say we both were HD before, but she just seems to be LD now. your experience is encouraging that after breastfeeding things normalized more. would you say that your drive increased back to "normal" levels afterwards ? if you don't mind me asking, what frequency would you define as HD ?



My drive definitely got back to normal afterwards each time. If anything it's only gotten stronger the older I get. When things were good I enjoyed sex daily and more, but at least 3-5 times a week.


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## shippon (Feb 6, 2017)

that is a big relief for me to hear. but it also seems in cases of others, things don't change back to normal either. i understand being in mom mode for the 1 year old, and hope this is just a phase that will pass because i don't see myself being able to take this forever...i don't think either of us would happy if this continued and we would end up drifting apart. no point living together as roommates


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

When does she intend to stop the feeding? If the child is over a year then maybe its time to wean her off the breast.


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## shippon (Feb 6, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> When does she intend to stop the feeding? If the child is over a year then maybe its time to wean her off the breast.


I am not sure myself and it is a pretty touchy subject for her. but the child is now about 14 months old and in my opinion, that should be long enough, i heard the other day that any longer and there is not much benefit. the supply seems to be decreasing but i can't say for sure, she might just be planning to go until it's all gone. but then you hear the stories about how some moms breastfeed 2 years and more and it is hard to fathom.

any other ladies that can comment on their experiences is most welcome.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

shippon said:


> I am not sure myself and it is a pretty touchy subject for her. but the child is now about 14 months old and in my opinion, that should be long enough, i heard the other day that any longer and there is not much benefit. the supply seems to be decreasing but i can't say for sure, she might just be planning to go until it's all gone. but then you hear the stories about how some moms breastfeed 2 years and more and it is hard to fathom.
> 
> any other ladies that can comment on their experiences is most welcome.


Its possible that its an excuse to avoid sex.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

When you ask about the lack of sex what does she say? We need to know that to give some direction. She may be just tired or maybe lost interest. I know my x and I returned to our normal sexual interactions within 6 months of each of our children being born.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

shippon said:


> that is a big relief for me to hear. but it also seems in cases of others, things don't change back to normal either. i understand being in mom mode for the 1 year old, and hope this is just a phase that will pass because i don't see myself being able to take this forever...i don't think either of us would happy if this continued and we would end up drifting apart. no point living together as roommates


Put a mental time limit on it. Say she weans by 2, then another 6 months to adjust. Be as supportive as you can until then, tell her how much you miss her, but prepare for a big argument if it does not resolve itself. 

Do not permanently put your needs on the back burner because if she is the type who does not get it back it unprompted she's likely the type to get totally KO'd by menopause so your opportunity to fix it is now not 15 years from now...


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Mrs. Nail changed back again 4 times. But the important difference is that Mrs. Nail had the marriage as the number one priority, and the child as number 2. Thinking back I'm very blessed that she had that clarity of thought. Her personality is naturally nurturing and she still loves children. Had she followed the nurturing path and made me a second priority, there would never have been a second child.


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## shippon (Feb 6, 2017)

Mr. Nail said:


> Mrs. Nail changed back again 4 times. But the important difference is that Mrs. Nail had the marriage as the number one priority, and the child as number 2. Thinking back I'm very blessed that she had that clarity of thought. Her personality is naturally nurturing and she still loves children. Had she followed the nurturing path and made me a second priority, there would never have been a second child.


You my friend are a lucky one. I have no idea how to get to realize that it's important. She says she knows it's important but that it's natural for moms to be the kid first. Your case among others proves that it's a choice. That's exactly what I would agree with a marriage should come first.


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## shippon (Feb 6, 2017)

anonmd said:


> Put a mental time limit on it. Say she weans by 2, then another 6 months to adjust. Be as supportive as you can until then, tell her how much you miss her, but prepare for a big argument if it does not resolve itself.
> 
> Do not permanently put your needs on the back burner because if she is the type who does not get it back it unprompted she's likely the type to get totally KO'd by menopause so your opportunity to fix it is now not 15 years from now...


good call. i was thinking about this and how long this can go on. There is about 9 months to go until 2 years old and that might be my limit after weaning, if it doesn't come back and she's not willing to make an effort, then i've got no choice.

I'm trying to be supportive and helpful in any way I can. We've had a few arguments about it before and she always says she's tired but seems to have plenty of energy for the child. it's only when everything is done and usually she doesn't have much left.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Our statement is that the Most Important Thing you can give to your Children is a strong marriage with your spouse,


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I'm going to tell you that from past experience, the passion returns. You both are so damn tired. She's nursing which means a lot of her energy is going into production and lactation. Give her a break. Really. Soon as she can express enough to do an overnight, let the baby stay with a grandparent, and get away to a hotel. Take her away from reality, just for a night. You want passion throughout the marriage; love your kids, BUT, make time for one another. We knew that we had limited vacation time because of our careers. We decided that one of the weeks would be "family vacation", and the other was couples time. Now that the kids are grown and moved out, a lot of our friends are having difficulty relating to one another. We, on the other hand, have been looking forward to a little more alone time. The passion is only getting stronger (She still has to peel me off her long enough to get a sandwich)


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Agreed. She might be using it as an excuse, especially given she said she will be more into sex when her figure improves (which is totally an excuse).



Diana7 said:


> When does she intend to stop the feeding? If the child is over a year then maybe its time to wean her off the breast.


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## In2thewoods (Jan 25, 2017)

Don't know if anyone mentioned this -- when she weans the baby, gets more time for herself, more time for you, know what's likely to happen? She's going to get pregnant again.... (That's how it happens in my family anyway.) I got pregant 5 months after giving birth, so my poor hubby went a while with me in straight up 'mom' mode, and I was only 23. So a big part of me wanted to be out with my husband doing things with our friends, but I couldn't stay awake long enough to make it through a whole movie, never mind go out with friends. I was also constantly aware that I couldn't have a couple drinks if I had a midnight or 6am nursing, and the million other mindsets that can keep a woman from being able to loosen up on a night off. It can be hard on a guy, but this is what "puts hair on a man's chest"(as my dad used to say)-- making a family, protecting the relationship that started that family, and going through the ups and downs of family life with yr beautiful wife. You're committed to her, right? You wanting sex IS protecting yr relationship with her, a good woman will recognize that. Though the child-bearing years can be great in many ways, it can be rough on the sex life. This IS normal.

I have 2 teens, and I remember having weekends away that my husband SO looked forward to, and often I just DIDN'T. Prep for going away without the baby is tiring, knowing you'll come back to a baby that's off-schedule is not fun to anticipate (I had severe post-partum with both of my boys, that didn't help), and I usually spent the first 2 days of our 3-day tryst catching up on sleep. I felt horrible about it, I felt selfish, but I knew he didn't want exhausted starfish sex. In short, nothing my DH could do made me feel sexy for a while there. But he was patient, and it worked out for him? If you do plan time away, which I believe is absolutely necessary, maybe see if you can get care-givers for the baby for 2 large chunks of time (at least 3 hours) in the days right before you leave. If she's like me (and some other women), we don't compartmentalize feelings like many guys seem to be able to. Mom-thoughts/sexy-thoughts/work-thoughts all happen within seconds of each other. Quiet time with no baby in the house means she can spend extra time getting done whatever is likely to be crowding out sexy thoughts on your weekend away. Even having time to paint her toes and take a nap will have her feeling rested and pretty before you go away.

So I agree with many of the above posters; continue to talk about it (though I know it can be hard to discuss how important sex is to a guy without seeming to pressure her). And be patient, it does get better..... hahaha-- then it gets rocky again when you have teenagers that hear everything and are wide awake at 10:30pm. Maybe I should start another thread to get sex advice on that topic ...

Good luck!


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## lovinghusband2016 (Dec 26, 2016)

Had same issues still have same issues can talk about it cause then it's whining about it we had a very crazy wild sex life now after the kids is boring same old stuff just less often


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

One thing is a little unsettling: you refer to your own offspring as 'the baby' and 'the child'. Are you pitting yourself against your own baby for attention? Are you resentful of your own baby? If you are, it isn't unheard of. Your wife may be picking up on your attitude, though.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> One thing is a little unsettling: you refer to your own offspring as 'the baby' and 'the child'. Are you pitting yourself against your own baby for attention? Are you resentful of your own baby? If you are, it isn't unheard of. Your wife may be picking up on your attitude, though.


You noticed that too?

Could be a bit of subconscious resentment of split attention between child and husband.

As for weening. I let our youngest self ween at 18 months. Never slowed my HD self down prior or after birth and weening. Then again he was my fifth.

Sounds like she is responsive sex drive. Responds to stimuli from you initiating. Have you tried gentle touch (breastfeeding moms are pretty touched out by the end of the day too so try touch without expectation of sex - tell her as much too).

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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I also have to mention, you are "competing" with a hormone called oxytocin.

It is a hormone released by breastfeeding that allows for milk let down and production but is also the hormone released to create extremely strong bonds. The same hormone released from sexual intimacy between partners.

My theory is breastfeeding women (especially exclusively breastfeeding women) get desensitized to oxytocin release through sexual intimacy because of the oxytocin release of breastfeeding. Almost like a natural birth control in a way.

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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I think what your wife is going thru is completely normal. We do not feel as sexy when we have gained weight and our bodies get stretched out from child birth. She may eventually feel that again if she gets out and continues to work on herself. Many times women put everyone else's needs before their own and do not find that time to work on themselves and end up in a almost depressed rut...hard to say if that will be your wife. It does not mean the marriage is doomed, it means her priorities have changed.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Having a baby changes both of you forever. You REALLY need to have a few long talks with her about this, and tell her that it IS a dealbreaker eventually. And stick to that. If - IF - she IS using this as an excuse, things will not get better with time. You have GOT to find a way of doing this that isn't threatening to her.

I went into MOM mode after kids and never did get my groove back as far as sex. But my husband wasn't understanding at all about it - he eventually told me it was my DUTY to have sex with him, as his wife. Talk about a turn off.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

In2thewoods said:


> Don't know if anyone mentioned this -- when she weans the baby, gets more time for herself, more time for you, know what's likely to happen? She's going to get pregnant again.... (That's how it happens in my family anyway.) I got pregant 5 months after giving birth, so my poor hubby went a while with me in straight up 'mom' mode, and I was only 23. So a big part of me wanted to be out with my husband doing things with our friends, but I couldn't stay awake long enough to make it through a whole movie, never mind go out with friends. I was also constantly aware that I couldn't have a couple drinks if I had a midnight or 6am nursing, and the million other mindsets that can keep a woman from being able to loosen up on a night off. It can be hard on a guy, but this is what "puts hair on a man's chest"(as my dad used to say)-- making a family, protecting the relationship that started that family, and going through the ups and downs of family life with yr beautiful wife. You're committed to her, right? You wanting sex IS protecting yr relationship with her, a good woman will recognize that. Though the child-bearing years can be great in many ways, it can be rough on the sex life. This IS normal.
> 
> I have 2 teens, and I remember having weekends away that my husband SO looked forward to, and often I just DIDN'T. Prep for going away without the baby is tiring, knowing you'll come back to a baby that's off-schedule is not fun to anticipate (I had severe post-partum with both of my boys, that didn't help), and I usually spent the first 2 days of our 3-day tryst catching up on sleep. I felt horrible about it, I felt selfish, but I knew he didn't want exhausted starfish sex. In short, nothing my DH could do made me feel sexy for a while there. But he was patient, and it worked out for him? If you do plan time away, which I believe is absolutely necessary, maybe see if you can get care-givers for the baby for 2 large chunks of time (at least 3 hours) in the days right before you leave. If she's like me (and some other women), we don't compartmentalize feelings like many guys seem to be able to. Mom-thoughts/sexy-thoughts/work-thoughts all happen within seconds of each other. Quiet time with no baby in the house means she can spend extra time getting done whatever is likely to be crowding out sexy thoughts on your weekend away. Even having time to paint her toes and take a nap will have her feeling rested and pretty before you go away.
> 
> ...


GREAT POST! I can relate to this more NOW, then right after both my kids births. Right after our 2yr old was born I wanted to be with my H to reconnect and feel like my 'normal' self again, then the same feelings second time around. In fact both were c-sections and I was breastfeeding (at least with DD1) I struggled to wait 4 weeks after being told to wait 6-8 weeks. Because our girls are close in age (18months difference) I struggle to spend any time on myself, sometimes I barely manage to sit down and eat my lunch. I will shave my legs once then not have time to do them again for like 2 weeks. I used to wear makeup every day and straighten my hair, and I have gone to wearing make up maybe once a week, and just tie my lifeless looking hair back. 
My H is great and will take the kids out for a short while so I can relax- but that's when I use the time to do the things around the house that I hadn't had the chance to do. Big mistake, I need to start focusing on myself more, then I can start feeling more sexy, more like my old self. 
I've just started making small changes to do this only now. I haven't neglected our sex life but it's not as frequent as it once was and I guess that's on me.
I suspect OP's wife feels a bit 'touched out' and exhausted from meeting the needs of this other little person all day and night, that meeting her needs or her husbands needs are last on her agenda. 

OP- Find that woman some alone time and get her to spend that time on HER so she can then spend some time on YOU


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