# My wife wants a child; I said after 3 years. But she says no right now



## newranger (Nov 15, 2012)

Hello,

I am 28 years old. I got married 3 months ago. My wife is 25 years old. We both agreed to have kid after few years. I said 3 to 4 years she said it's too late for her. Finally we both agreed to try for a baby after 2 to 3 years.

Within three months after marriage she started talking about having a baby. We use condom for contraception, primarily because she felt taking birth control piles might cause complication in pregnancy latter. 

I am no way prepared for parenting. The changes of marriage itself is overwhelming for me and I am still getting used to those new responsibilities. Becoming a father now is unimaginable for me at-least for now. I really want to have a baby after 4 or 5 years. 

I dont think my wife is physically prepared for it either. She is seriously underweight. She weighs 35kgs having a BMI of 15. That is really a concern. I don't think she is emotionally prepared either (I don't know). Main reason for her to purse me to have a kid is because of others influence. Most of her married friends have kids. She is with the impression if no kid without 6 months of marriage then chances of having a kid latter will be less. I know for fact that can't be true. She is just 25! She listens to couples who had kids in their late thirty, who advise us to have a kid within a year after marriage. Her mom and sister are asking about pregnancy. Her friends/relatives doesn't spare a change to ask is she pregnant yet? Are they kidding me? Seriously it is just 3 months!! I really want to spend few years alone with my wife before taking up another responsibility. She feels like if she can't take the heat because I am not cooperating and started telling blaming me.

Having a baby now will be my worst nightmare. I know it is a good thing. But got to be at the right time. I already feel like I have given up a lot of things for marriage itself (I can't do many things I love any more!).

Condoms are only 90% safe for contraception! I am worried what if it falls in that remaining 10% Now I am worried even to have sex.

She says not trying for a baby is breaking her heart . That is too much for me to take now! I am feel like she is emotionally blackmailing me; I hope she is not doing that deliberately. Sometimes I feel like being a victim. I don't think she gets my point. Looks like she thinks I am selfish. Probably true though. But I just cant have a baby now. It really makes me scary! I don't freak out like this to my wife. If I do that she might think I don't want to have a baby indefinitely. Whenever she brings this topic I politely say "After 2 years please". She really becomes unhappy when I say that. 

How to convince her to delay pregnancy for next 3 years? If she doesn't agree how can I sabotage it? Ya I am sounding evil here. But I have right to determine when to become a father.

Thanks a lot in advance for your reply!


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Like you, I was less enthusiastic than my wife about starting a family.

Now 35 years on I wish I had been as enthusiastic. Being a father is wonderful.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Its really something you both should be on the same page about. Or it will cause serious problems down the road. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and are thinking things through, if you feel it will be your worst nightmare right now and you are not prepared then you are probably right.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

I'm 27 and my husband 29, and we're married since a month ago. We both agreed that it's better to have kids a few years later, with me between age 27 and 35. I understand that for a woman, having a child sooner would be better, but we both need to settle better first. Having to deal with new responsibilities, our jobs, as well as being prepared financially are very important points. And we need to have some stability with our career too.

Also, I want to enjoy some freedom before having our first kid. Right now, we have a dog and it's already a bit freedom limiting. We can't go out to cinema for a night during week days, we can't just go dinner outside unless we do it fast, since we have to walk the dog, and so on...

Are you both financially prepared? Also, she needs to take care of her health before having a baby... Tell her that if her baby is not well nourished, it has serious implications in the future.

Also, it's understandable that you are not prepared mentally, since you're just married recently. Waiting for at least 2 or 3 years would be better, forcing someone into some important decision is not good. Sometimes it might actually work out, but sometimes it doesn't and you might hold some negative feelings about the whole thing.

Also, is your wife working? Women gets more affected in terms of career, since they have to be away for some months, and it might affect their jobs. She should take this into consideration too before having a baby.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I would not ever want a child after 30. That was my cut off age. We cut it close of having my 3rd at 28. The later you wait, the more problems with Down syndrome and other birth defects can happen.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

I don't think your concerns can be dismissed. If you're not financially and emotionally ready for a child, then that doesn't create the ideal situation to raise a baby. You'll definitely love your baby whenever it happens but it could be a point of resentment for many years.

It sounds like your wife is being pressured by her family, and it sounds like they're trying to live through her (they had babies older and wish they had them younger: enter young newlywed). If she has agreed to wait 2-3 years, then she needs to respect that, or have another real discussion about it with you, not just try to emotionally bully you into relenting.

I'm 25 too and pretty much as soon as I got married I started having the baby-cravings as well, but I know H and I aren't financially ready. We live in a less-than-ideal apartment, not a house, we have debts, I can't drive, still work part time, etc. so 2 more years will be a big difference for us in baby supplies, down-payment size and monthly mortgage payment, so I'm sucking it up and trying to wait at least one year before we re-assess.

And about 'sabotaging' her efforts to get pregnant, well there's only two non-evil ways to really do that, and it's either upping your condom game, or going without sex in the first place. Condoms aren't as bad as you think, 10% is based on their typical (often rushed and incorrect) use by 100 women over a period of a year. If you use them perfectly every time, only 2-3 women will get pregnant that year.

So make sure you read the instructions on the packet, slow down while putting it on, and be careful. Don't let her emotionally bully you, and don't enter her without one.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

newranger said:


> Hello,
> 
> We both agreed to have kid after few years. I said 3 to 4 years she said it's too late for her. Finally we both agreed to try for a baby after 2 to 3 years.
> 
> Within three months after marriage she started talking about having a baby.


She agreed with you before marriage about the baby issue correct? So do you think once you all became married she just changed her mind all of a sudden or do you feel like when she said she "agreed" she lied about how she really felt? 

I think once you said you both agreed to 2-3 yrs that sounds reasonable. If she feels like she would be to old or to late for her, in the next 2-3 or 3-4 yrs, then tell her you will go with her to the doctor, and sit down and discuss from a medical stand point what is considered "to old" and at what age could she expect to maybe have complications the older she gets. I have a feeling a doctor isn't going to tell you or her that in 2-3 yrs shes going to be to old or its going to be to late at 25 yrs old unless she already has female/medical issues.

I also think its wise of you to notice that you are not ready emotionally or financially, those are always things to take into consideration. I also believe there is no real "right" time nor are we ever really prepared, but I do think its good to be a little more stable, emotionally and financially for such a big responsibility.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think you have some good reasons to be concerned if your wife is so underweight. I think your wife and others who posted here also have good points about not waiting to have a child.

It sounds as if you are hesitant about your wife and marriage. This could be part of why she's pressuring you. I'm sure if I'm sensing this from your post, then she is really sensing it as she lives with you.

You said you do want to have children eventually, and that you're concerned about her weight. Here's what I'd encourage you to consider offering your wife: If she will gain a certain amount of weight so her pregnancy will be safer, you'll agree to start trying for a baby 10 months from now. That gives you time to get used to the idea, gives her a feeling of hopefulness and lets you know that you do love her and you're not just brushing her off. It will take time to get pregnant, and then another 10 months to have the baby (40 weeks). This puts you very close to the 2 year mark you've already agreed to, but you can also tell her that she must have a healthy weight before you will try. You could work with a physician on this.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

Truth, you are NEVER ready for children, you make the choice when and if you can , but you will NEVER be ready.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pollon (Nov 13, 2012)

Your wife is demonstrating a lack of maturity in multiple ways. 1) She can't stand up for you with her family. 2) She can't abide by a previous agreement. 3) She can't get past her obsession and see the bigger picture. 4) She can't delay her own gratification for the benefit of her marriage.

Regardless of her age, she is being very disrespectful of you by 1) pressuring you after you have been very clear about when you will be ready and 2) undercutting you with family and friends.

She is not ready to have children and doing so under these conditions is not likely to be good for your marriage. Work on your marriage (with outside help if needed) before you jump into parenthood.

Good luck


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Pollon said:


> Your wife is demonstrating a lack of maturity in multiple ways. 1) She can't stand up for you with her family. 2) She can't abide by a previous agreement. 3) She can't get past her obsession and see the bigger picture. 4) She can't delay her own gratification for the benefit of her marriage.
> 
> Regardless of her age, she is being very disrespectful of you by 1) pressuring you after you have been very clear about when you will be ready and 2) undercutting you with family and friends.
> 
> ...


Agree.

She needs to grow up & stop pestering you.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I can't imagine that your wife could conceive and/or carry a pregnancy to term, if she is really that underweight. I would be very surprised if she's still ovulating and getting her period. Does she have an eating disorder? 

Anyway, although its true you can't really be ready for a baby, your can also be very obviously unready, and it's pretty clear with your wife's health, the youth of your marriage, your wife's questionable reasons for having a baby and her clear misunderstanding about what makes conception more likely (six months after marriage?), that you as a couple are nowhere near stable or mature enough for successful child raising.

In terms of increased risk or chromosomal disorders, ther is no difference statisticslly between a 27 year old and a 34 year old woman.


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## newranger (Nov 15, 2012)

lilith23 said:


> Are you both financially prepared?


We are not well financially prepared now. Even though we both earn enough, We have a long term mortgage loan and she has just started her career. 



lilith23 said:


> Also, is your wife working?


Yes she is working. She has a masters degree in Engineering. But she is not very career focused. She works for the sake of working! Though she prefers to be a housewife, she never told me she wants or planning to quit her job.


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## newranger (Nov 15, 2012)

Jamison said:


> She agreed with you before marriage about the baby issue correct? So do you think once you all became married she just changed her mind all of a sudden or do you feel like when she said she "agreed" she lied about how she really felt?


I believe she really agreed and didn't lied to me. But she changed her mind in 3 months mostly because of others advise and suggestion. 




Jamison said:


> I think once you said you both agreed to 2-3 yrs that sounds reasonable. If she feels like she would be to old or to late for her, in the next 2-3 or 3-4 yrs, then tell her you will go with her to the doctor, and sit down and discuss from a medical stand point what is considered "to old" and at what age could she expect to maybe have complications the older she gets. I have a feeling a doctor isn't going to tell you or her that in 2-3 yrs shes going to be to old or its going to be to late at 25 yrs old unless she already has female/medical issues.


:iagree:


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## newranger (Nov 15, 2012)

Satya said:


> I don't have children so feel free to disregard this advice, but I felt a huge pull to have children at 23 (when I married). The finances were most certainly NOT in order so we held off. Then we tried again when I was 28/29... it didn't happen we later found out because my ex was infertile but it was a blessing that we didn't have children... he dropped the bomb on me less than a year later.
> 
> The thing is, during the second attempt I was miserable, depressed, anxious, dealing with a husband who had severe anxiety issues. I felt alone, all my friends had/were having babies, my mom kept hinting at how she'd love to be a grandmother, etc. It was terrible pressure on me and I convinced myself it was the right thing to do then. How wrong I was. You have to be ON FIRE to have children. You can't fill a hole (no pun intended) or give in to the demands - verbal or social - of others.


Looks like she if afraid of similar scenario if we delay it for 2-3 years. As she has seen it happening to her colleges 28+ trying deperatly for a baby.



Satya said:


> My advice, talk with your wife and make absolutely sure that your feelings are expressed. Also explore with her whether she feels ready for the right reasons. x


:iagree:
All the very best and good lunch for you in this regard


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## newranger (Nov 15, 2012)

Pollon said:


> Your wife is demonstrating a lack of maturity in multiple ways. 1) She can't stand up for you with her family. 2) She can't abide by a previous agreement. 3) She can't get past her obsession and see the bigger picture. 4) She can't delay her own gratification for the benefit of her marriage.
> 
> Regardless of her age, she is being very disrespectful of you by 1) pressuring you after you have been very clear about when you will be ready and 2) undercutting you with family and friends.


I think my wife is just a bit immature, childish, innocent and bit stubborn. But she values me and listens to my thoughts and opinion. I think she feels very unhappy when I say wait for 2 more years. Seeing me making her unhappy makes me sad too. 



Pollon said:


> She is not ready to have children and doing so under these conditions is not likely to be good for your marriage. Work on your marriage (with outside help if needed) before you jump into parenthood.


:iagree:


Pollon said:


> Good luck


Thanks !


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## newranger (Nov 15, 2012)

Lyris said:


> I can't imagine that your wife could conceive and/or carry a pregnancy to term, if she is really that underweight. I would be very surprised if she's still ovulating and getting her period. Does she have an eating disorder?


Apart from her underweight issue, she is healthy. She gets her periods regularly and all health checkups shows good health. 
Yes I believe she has Eating Disorder. She eats very less quantity and very picky about food. Her dis-likes are more than likes. She doesnt like any sweet food and any diary products including milk. She has a phobia for tablets and other forms of medicine. 
Now she is agreeing to see a doctor in this regard. Whenever I advise her something about her eating, she replies this is who I am and becomes stubborn. The good thing is after marriage she is eating better than before and has gained 1kg of weight. The problem is she hates all food which can make her gain weight.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

It's pretty unlikely she will even be able to conceive being so underweight and if she were to get pregnant it would possibly result in miscarriage as she is not in a physical state to be nurturing a fetus. I think you need to get this point across to her by visiting a doctor or other research so she knows that waiting a bit longer to prepare both of yourselves for a family is a sensible decision and not just you holding things up. 

I am 35 and just had our first baby last year after being married for 6.5 years..it's totally absurd regarding her theory on having a baby within the first 6 months of marriage. And let me tell you, having a child is hard work and does change your relationship significantly. If you are not ready for it please do not do it just to make her happy because it will just result in you resenting both her and the child.


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## elisha_parker (Oct 1, 2012)

You need to convince your wife that you have to handle your family and none of the relatives is going to help financially. She will not understand in the beginning but you have to continue, because the conditions will be liable on you if you can't handle them in future. Tell your wife that you love her a lot and you are thinking about the future planning. Ask her that how can you handle child responsibility in current situation.


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## newranger (Nov 15, 2012)

I visited inlaws place for christmas holidays. Child topic came out of the blue. Her relatives were asking about it. Her church pastor comments 'expecting good news before next christmas.' Her close friend is pregnant. Now she got reasons to persuade me again. 
When her close family member brings up this topic she points the blaming finger to me. She wants babe by next christmas. Atleast she want to start trying by a year. 
She is selfish, immature, ignorant. She tells me she can't live if she don't have a child in next two years. Then she says sorry. What the f*ck. Having a kid after few years of marriage is soo normal. She does nt get that. I don't even want to look at her face now. Now I regret why I got married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

I would try and be a bit more sympathetic towards your wife. I know I used to be very cavalier about a baby until I hit 25 and then it was like my hormones took over and it was all I wanted. Pregnancy dreams, babies making noises made me tear up... It was insanity. Maybe your wife feels the same and now she has her entire support network egging those feelings on? God, I can't even imagine. It must be all consuming!!!

I wouldn't recommend giving in - if you don't want one now then you definitely shouldn't. However, I would try and be a bit more sensitive to how your wife must be feeling right now as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> But I just cant have a baby now. It really makes me scary! I don't freak out like this to my wife. If I do that she might think I don't want to have a baby indefinitely. Whenever she brings this topic I politely say "After 2 years please". She really becomes unhappy when I say that.


This is a big part of your problem, from what I can tell. You haven't told her that you're scared of having a baby now, you haven't shared your fears with her! All you are doing is saying "no, not now" and that is not enough for her to understand you.

Without giving her reasons why you need to wait and explaining why you are afraid, she thinks you are just shutting her down, end of discussion, period. To her, you are a brick wall.

You have to talk with her openly and honestly and help her understand ALL your issues and concerns so that she can be more sympathetic to your needs as well as knowing that you are sympathetic to hers. Give her a chance to know you and understand you.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

newranger said:


> We are not well financially prepared now. Even though we both earn enough, We have a long term mortgage loan and she has just started her career.
> 
> Yes she is working. She has a masters degree in Engineering. But she is not very career focused. She works for the sake of working! Though she prefers to be a housewife, she never told me she wants or planning to quit her job.


I don’t know how it is in India; but here in the States, my Wife and I have Masters and Doctoral degrees, and the student loan debt load, on-top of a mortgage – it just took all our disposable income to meet that. For us, we lived like gypsies for 3-years and paid down as much of our debt as we could. For me it was a very trying time because I wanted to “live a little” drive a nice car and etc . . .



newranger said:


> I believe she really agreed and didn't lied to me. But she changed her mind in 3 months mostly because of others advise and suggestion. :iagree:


But I’m glad we got ourselves set (financially) because when we had our children (Her 33 me 40 – we dated 5-years); we were financially stable enough that when (after 9-months, my Wife with the expensive Master’s degree and nice job) decided she needed to stay home full time with our Son, we were/and have been financially able to do that.

Now we have a Daughter, and mind you we’re not living large, but I somewhat empathize for many of our friends who aren’t financially able to do this and really wish they could. For us, it was really just a little delayed gratification, prudent living and looking to the bigger picture.


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## newranger (Nov 15, 2012)

Thank you all for your replies, thoughts and advises!


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I would not ever want a child after 30. That was my cut off age. We cut it close of having my 3rd at 28. * The later you wait, the more problems with Down syndrome and other birth defects can happen.*


Pretty sure this is more of an issue when you are approaching 40.

I had one child at 28, twins at 36 - all healthy.

You've only just gotten married, you never get that time back again until the kids have grown up...and you are both so young. Maybe make a compromise....have children after two years, do some fun traveling now, and advise her that she needs to up her weight and health. She may have trouble conceiving and carrying to term with that BMI.


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