# More kids in a rocky marriage?



## muchconfusion (Jul 23, 2017)

This dilemma might be an odd one, I'm not sure. Perhaps someone here can shed some wisdom. 

So I'm married with an amazing three-year-old daughter and my wife keeps pressuring me to have more kids. I love kids and I'd love to have more kids, but my wife and I's relationship has been rocky to put it lightly. To be blunt, I'm not convinced she's the right person to have more kids with. I feel like neither of us are ever going to grow up. We've been on the brink of separating multiple times. While I tend to dwell on her immaturity, I know that I'm also not the best husband I could be either. I'm not a fighter but we fight almost constantly, over things big and small. Sometimes, it even gets to the point where I don't want her affection at all because it doesn't seem like it means anything.

So what is even reasonable to consider? She wants to know why I keep saying we're not ready for more kids. I don't necessarily want the marriage to end because I don't believe in giving up on promises, and also because of the little girl we're raising together. But I also don't feel like it's right to keep her in limbo when I'm not sure I want an intimate (sexual and nonsexual) future for us. I don't think she realizes how unstable our relationship really is. It's been suggested to me that the problem could be that I was not, and may never be ready to be a husband. 

Anyways, this was kind of a ramble. If anyone is able to dig through the weeds and share some wisdom on this situation I've created for myself I'd be extraordinarily grateful.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Who suggested that you are not ready to be a husband?

You should not have more children in a marriage that is this unstable. It's not fair to anyone of you, especially not your daughter and any new child you have.

Either talk to your wife about seriously working to fix your marriage or end the marriage. That way you can get on with your life. And your wife can find someone who she can have more children with if that's what you want.

If you want to fix your marriage, you need to talk to her and let her know how unstable the relationship is. And ask her to work on the marriage with you. Tell her that there will be no more children until the fighting stops and you are both happy with the marriage.

You say that you don't want to end the marriage because you made a promise. It sounds to me like you are already not living up to that promise. A divorce is actually better than the two of you being in a seriously messed up marriage.

If you honestly want to fix your marriage, get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" (see links in my signature block below). Tell your wife what you told us here and ask her to read the books with you and do the work that the books say to do. And read them in that order, "Love Busters" first because you both have to stop the love busting before anything can be fixed.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you and your wife?

How long have you been together and how long married?

Could share with us some of the things that you feel show that your wife is immature?


----------



## muchconfusion (Jul 23, 2017)

I'll try to answer your questions in series.
A former fellow soldier who I served with for about 10 years in the reserve. He's in his 50s, happily married with children and went through a divorce. He suggested perhaps I wasn't ready.
My wife is 24 and I'm 28, we've been married three years, and nearly 3 months. She was pregnant with our daughter when I proposed and married her.

Some of the things that lead me to think she has immaturity issues is are things like her refusing to make progress learning to drive so she can be more self-reliant. She's scared of talking on the phone - even trying to set up important appointments. She refused to do this while I was employed and she wasn't. She quit a job when I was laid off because her boss said something mean about her (literally) despite my urging she find something more suitable first. This caused us to be evicted through court and live in our friend's basement with our daughter for a time. She gave up a huge medical field opportunity that would have paid for her training and additional schooling, and her reason was that she wanted to go to school before she tried again. She refuses to talk to me either while or after she's upset about something so that it can be worked out. She doesn't do much of anything for fun besides watching dramas on Netflix. Some of these things still upset me, but for the most part they're things that I've thought about before but don't much dwell on. 

I feel like a total jerk talking about these things to be honest.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Refusing to learn to drive. - concerning and maybe immature. Was she afraid to drive?
Being afraid to talk on the phone. - very much a concern.

Leaving a job because her boss said something mean -- I guess it matters what he said to her.

Not taking an opportunity because she wants to get more education first -- I guess it would depend on the career field.

It sounds like you chose to marry a woman who does have some issues. Perhaps she's very timid or insecure. Does she suffer from something like anxiety?

Is she working now? Is she in school?

It sounds like the two of you need help with your relationship and maybe some individual counseling. She was probably too young when she married you. Your friend who told you that you are not ready to be a husband knows you so his input is probably accurate.

I still think that those books would help you a lot. You might also want to look into marriage and individual counseling for both of you if it's available through your health insurance.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is something else that you might want to look into. It's some free marriage counseling that one of TAM's sponsors provides through a government grant. They are legitimate and have been vetted by our head office.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-h...-your-relationship-comfort-your-own-home.html


----------



## muchconfusion (Jul 23, 2017)

She says she's afraid to drive pretty much only to me. As far as I can tell she's only embarrassed to drive with me giving her guidance. She does fine with other people but she makes no effort to try to practice with those people. Her reason for a while is that she had broken glasses, which is totally valid. But it's been over a year since she got them replaced and still no effort. 

Her boss was a she, and it was petty gossip. It's been a few years so I can't remember the exact words that were said.

You're right that she is fairly timid, but not to a serious degree around most people. She works at a grocery store now and interacts well with her coworkers and customers. However, she shows no signs of anxiety issues.

Unfortunately, my work is under the table and her company doesn't provide insurance so counseling is well out of the question on a professional level. I considered it while I was in the reserve because it is provided at no cost. That's out of the question now, though. 

Thank you for your suggestions regarding those books though. I'm not much of a reader but I'll have a look.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

muchconfusion said:


> She says she's afraid to drive pretty much only to me. As far as I can tell she's only embarrassed to drive with me giving her guidance. She does fine with other people but she makes no effort to try to practice with those people. Her reason for a while is that she had broken glasses, which is totally valid. But it's been over a year since she got them replaced and still no effort.
> 
> Her boss was a she, and it was petty gossip. It's been a few years so I can't remember the exact words that were said.
> 
> ...


The books are an easy read. In my opinion, the books are better than counseling. They are basically a plan for how you and your wife can do your own marital counseling.

And come on now, surely fixing your marriage is worth reading a couple of books that could help you. 

Did you also see the link for the free counseling that I provided?


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Putting everything else aside, I would not have more children with a person who would not to learn to drive or could not talk on the phone to make appointments. Just the mechanics of handling life with two children is probably too much for a person like this.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Driving is excusable, IF she has other means of transportation easily AND readily accessible. I didn't learn to drive until I was 32 because I'd lived in a place where I didn't need a car. 

The other things she avoids... A mother... An adult, needs to be able to do confidently. The constant doctors appointments, play dates, etc. 

Do not have any more children until the marital issues are sorted and have BEEN sorted for at least a full year. It sounds like you had a shotgun wedding(?) Would you have married her otherwise, had she not been pregnant? I'm not trying to sound insulting, but are you sure the child is yours?


----------



## muchconfusion (Jul 23, 2017)

Elegirl, I didn't see the link last night. Thank you for that. 

Livvie, I agree. Thank you for your input.

Satya, She accomplishes what she needs to between the bus, her mother and mother's boyfriend, and me taking her where she needs to go. Early work starts like today I take her to work because the buses don't run early enough. She also seems to have this mentality that it's my job to take her all over the place because I'm her husband. Her friends have told her the same thing. If the situation were that her car broke down and we needed to save to fix it, I would take her to work without complaint any day. Or she could take my car and it wouldn't be an issue. Unfortunately, she's shirked the responsibility of being self-reliant. We were married two days shy of a year after we started dating. At the time, I reasoned myself into thinking I wasn't proposing because of our daughter-to-be, but I know better now that she was a big factor. I thought I'd seen enough and we could grow together more over time and it would work out. One thing is certain to me though, I have zero doubt she's my daughter. From physical characteristics to attitude and reasoning, she's a lot like me. But truthfully, if she wasn't my daughter biologically I wouldn't want to know. I love her more than anything in the world and no matter what, she's my daughter.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't bring another child into an unstable relationship.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

muchconfusion said:


> Elegirl, I didn't see the link last night. Thank you for that.
> 
> Livvie, I agree. Thank you for your input.
> 
> Satya, She accomplishes what she needs to between the bus, her mother and mother's boyfriend, and me taking her where she needs to go. Early work starts like today I take her to work because the buses don't run early enough. She also seems to have this mentality that it's my job to take her all over the place because I'm her husband. Her friends have told her the same thing. If the situation were that her car broke down and we needed to save to fix it, I would take her to work without complaint any day. Or she could take my car and it wouldn't be an issue. Unfortunately, she's shirked the responsibility of being self-reliant. We were married two days shy of a year after we started dating. At the time, I reasoned myself into thinking I wasn't proposing because of our daughter-to-be, but I know better now that she was a big factor. I thought I'd seen enough and we could grow together more over time and it would work out. One thing is certain to me though, I have zero doubt she's my daughter. From physical characteristics to attitude and reasoning, she's a lot like me. But truthfully, if she wasn't my daughter biologically I wouldn't want to know. I love her more than anything in the world and no matter what, she's my daughter.


Thank you for the answers. 

When you've mentioned driving to her, I'm assuming that you've explained it's not convenient and can be a burden for you to have to drive her constantly? Once in a while is one thing, but if you're a chauffeur, that's just unfair. 

Do you think she's afraid of driving? I've known people that simply will not learn to drive because they see it as being behind the wheel of a giant rolling weapon.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

muchconfusion said:


> She wants to know why I keep saying we're not ready for more kids. I don't necessarily want the marriage to end because I don't believe in giving up on promises, and also because of the little girl we're raising together. But I also don't feel like it's right to keep her in limbo when I'm not sure I want an intimate (sexual and nonsexual) future for us. I don't think she realizes how unstable our relationship really is. It's been suggested to me that the problem could be that I was not, and may never be ready to be a husband.
> 
> Anyways, this was kind of a ramble. If anyone is able to dig through the weeds and share some wisdom on this situation I've created for myself I'd be extraordinarily grateful.


Ahh, not so unusual a situation. Btdt, now divorced 25 years later.

First, DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT. My wife had serious infertility problems. She'd been on a cocktail of fertility drugs for over a year with no luck. The doc said she would never get pregnant other than using in vitro. I had decided I didn't want any kids due to the bad state of the marriage. I didn't know how to fix the problems, but I knew kids were not the answer. And yup she got pregnant on the last month's of drugs despite the doc telling us it was impossible.

Then I was in your situation. Looking back, divorce is an option. My prime directive was Divorce Is Not An Option, but I was wrong. Until and unless you are willing to leave the marriage, you do not have the power to force necessary changes. You will eventually cave to anything, large or small, to avoid the divorce. You end up losing all power in the relationship as a result. Because she sees and she knows.

What you need to do is first take full responsibility for contraception. That means condoms or no sex. DO NOT TRUST HER to use birth control. Let me tell you more about my experience. Our marriage got much much worse after the baby was born. I pushed for marriage counseling (MC), but she refused. So I dropped it. I read books, I talked to a trusted older friend. I tried everything I could but I had no success in making anything better. My ignorance, youth, pressures from my family, and the Prime Directive made it impossible for me effect improvements. She wanted another kid but I said no. Meanwhile, _she secretly went back on fertility drugs_. I thought the welcome uptick in sex was her finally trying to improve the marriage. [Bugs Bunny Voice] What a maroon! [/Bugs Bunny Voice].

Don't trust her to not get pregnant!!!!! You must take full responsibility for contraception. Ignore this advice at your own peril.

You need to sit her down and make it clear to her where you are at with the marriage. Tell her you are on the verge of leaving the marriage. I would at this point not heap blame on her. Make this a team problem. You can point at yourself some, and it is fine to say you are not getting your needs met or you aren't feeling connected to her. You should probably say it isn't fair to bring more children into a bad situation. Then tell her you want to go to MC to try to figure out how to get things back on track. The thing is to not make her feel like you are blaming her for everything, and you are not wanting MC to be where she is going to be blamed. The marriage is broken, so the team needs professional help to work together to get it fixed. Whatever the details are of who is doing what to make the marriage fail are not relevant in this discussion with her. What is relevant is that for you the marriage is not sustainable, and you are not going to have another child until things are much better for a sustained period of time. And, you don't see a way to fix this yourselves.

If she refuses MC, I would make an appt with a good MC at a time you know your wife can be there. Then tell your wife you've made the appointment and hope she will be there with you, but you will be going regardless. This tactic frequently works, though ultimately she has to decide to actively do the work in MC. Passive attendance doesn't do anything, but getting her to that first appointment with this tactic may be the way to spur her into action.

A child raised in an unhappy house is not a good thing. If you can't get to a happy marriage, it is better for the child to have divorced parents who, hopefully, each have a happier home than they did when together.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I just read that you don't have insurance for MC. There are many good books which can really help. Many MCs use those books with their clients. The MC provides a structure, and it also provides some accountability where you have to show you did the reading or the activities the MC asked you to do last time. But if you both work through the books with genuine hard work it can be very helpful. But it requires both of you to make a strong effort.

It sounds like she may have some issues herself which would benefit from individual counseling. Perhaps there is a counselor or clinic which would provide a reduced rate to you. It would be worth calling to see. If a MC doesn't offer it themselves, they may know who to refer you to who would give you a discount.

Alternatively, in the USA employers provide the Employee Assistance Program, EAP, which is free and totally confidential. Depending on the state, you are entitled to a certain number of visits which are paid for by the employer. In this case it would be your wife's employer. It is truly fully confidential. Nobody will know you went.


----------

