# Surrogate mother instead of wife carrying child?



## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

So my wife has been pressuring me about kids lately. My stance is currently "let's get to marriage counseling, improve our relationship, and then talk kids". So far, so good. But there's a twist to this story... In all of my wife's pressuring about kids, it has come to light that she wouldn't want to carry a child--she wants a surrogate mother instead. My understanding is that the surrogate is her preference, instead of being something that's medically necessary.

If I use my imagination and picture my marriage as actually working out (seems a stretch, but OK), this news alone is somewhat devastating. She mentioned that she might not want kids before we got married, but never mentioned possibly wanting to have kids without carrying them. Big surprise to me.

Why am I devastated? Well, I have a lot of presumably typical expectations about my wife carrying a baby, from the baby-making sex to the child delivery process. Missing out on these things deepens my feelings that I'm being cheated out of basic joys in my marriage. And furthermore, since sex is infrequent in my marriage, where sometimes there's a month or more of missed connections, this whole surrogacy bit is making me feel like I'm just good for a paycheck, doing chores around the house, running errands, and lastly, a sperm donation at the local fertility clinic.

Purpose of this thread is to understand how other married men feel about surrogate mothers vs. the wife carrying their child. Does this matter to you? If so, why? Or, are you indifferent?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

If my day to day, week to week, month to month looked like you described I too would feel like nothing but a rough neck with a paycheck. It appears the surrogate is a body image/shape issue after carrying a baby? What is the reason for a surrogate if not medical? If it is purely for self image/body after carrying a child that your W does not want(let the surrogate worry about that) I would find that for lack of a better word, shallow. Just one man's opinion. 

For me, if my W is medically incapable of carrying a child to term then surrogate is a great option. If it was to keep a body(no stretch marks/weight gain, etc.) then no, I do not agree with a surrogate. 

I can say my W physical connection with our daughters as a result of carrying our two daughters is something only she can experience. That is something we H can not experience. I'm not sure why a woman would not want that connection.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Why does your wife wish to engage a surrogate?

I don't blame you for feeling like you'd be missing out on something. Feeling her belly swell, feeling the baby kick, labor and delivery...why would anyone WANT to forego all of that?


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> It appears the surrogate is a body image/shape issue after carrying a baby?


Bingo. From conversations with the wife, she's said "pregnancy would destroy my body".


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Run. Fast.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

_anonymous_ said:


> Bingo. From conversations with the wife, she's said "pregnancy would destroy my body".


Did your W make you aware of this when discussing children before marriage?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

_anonymous_ said:


> Bingo. From conversations with the wife, she's said "pregnancy would destroy my body".


I see.

Sex is rare. 
Maybe wants kids but doesn't want to pay the price of getting them. Neither having sex to get them nor getting pregnant to get them. And she wants you to pay for a surrogate.


Did you know she was shallow and self centered before you married her?

Do you need permission or reinforcement that you're not being a Neanderthal because you want to see your wife pregnant with your child? You have it!

If you were my son I would beg you to skip marriage counseling, get a divorce and get into therapy to discover how I, as your mother, failed to teach you self confidence enough to know that a relationship with such a self centered, shallow, self absorbed woman will bring you nothing but misery.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> I see. Sex is rare. Maybe wants kids but doesn't want to pay the price of getting them. Neither having sex to get them nor getting pregnant to get them. And she wants you to pay for a surrogate.
> 
> 
> Did you know she was shallow and self centered before you married her?
> ...


So perhaps there are lacking details in my post. From what she's told me, I do believe the effects of pregnancy on her body are a big concern. But there are others...

My wife has had a medical condition growing up that has left her with some muscle weakness. Her rheumatologist has stated that the muscle weakness could be improved with physical therapy, but she has never gone. I think her muscle weakness is one of her concerns about pregnancy (clearly not the foremost), though she doesn't typically admit it.

Also, she works and doesn't want to deal with interruptions to to her employment, even though her employer offers maternity leave. This, too, is at play.

We would pay for the surrogate, so I don't see an issue with the money necessarily. It's more the implications.... She doesn't covet the joys of pregnancy. She doesn't want the physical exertion of sex. She doesn't have desires for the same things as me and many many others, as it would seem.

I knew about her medical condition before marrying her. I knew her career would take up space and be a competing interest at times. But I assumed she toward simple things in life, from which others derive so much joy. I assumed she would balance her career with starting a family. Turns out, I assumed wrong. 

Is that my fault, or hers? I must fault myself for not asking enough questions before getting married, and being plain dumb by ignoring red flags.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The joy of raising two children largely on my own about makes up for the pain that my partner has been the last decade.

However, unless she plans to hire a nanny 24/7 you're still on the hook for parental duty.

As for rare sex... that's not going to improve.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

_anonymous_ said:


> So perhaps there are lacking details in my post. From what she's told me, I do believe the effects of pregnancy on her body are a big concern. But there are others...
> 
> My wife has had a medical condition growing up that has left her with some muscle weakness. Her rheumatologist has stated that the muscle weakness could be improved with physical therapy, but she has never gone. I think her muscle weakness is one of her concerns about pregnancy (clearly not the foremost), though she doesn't typically admit it.
> 
> ...


I don't know who would even think to ask such a thing about their partner before marriage. 

None of this really adds up to me. First of all, there is more risk involved with surrogacy (for the surrogate AND baby). Shouldn't the health of the baby be the first priority of a mother, if surrogacy is not necessary?

And I don't understand the part about maternity leave. Surely she would take a maternity leave even if she didn't carry the baby? And as far as "not wanting interruptions to her employment", she should re-think having kids at all, by any method, because motherhood comes with interruptions to employment here and there, for sure.

I don't really see the connection between "some muscle weakness" and pregnancy, but surely that is something her rheumatologist could answer. And again, if she has muscle weakness, raising a child is going to be hard on her too.

It just doesn't sound very thought-out (just being honest), and it sounds more like a bunch of excuses.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

_anonymous_ said:


> Bingo. From conversations with the wife, she's said "pregnancy would destroy my body".


For whom, exactly?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Re: my last response, if I understand correctly, she wants the benefit of the end product with none of the "effort" involved. I'm no mother (yet), but I thought that was the whole point, and that surrogacy is a beneficial option for women that are unable to conceive themselves. 

While I understand the disappointment of "ruining" one's body, I'd rather look upon the scars and stretched skin as a kind of badge of honor. 

Does she have body issues?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yikes. This will not end well.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Satya said:


> Does she have body issues?


She has some. It could be that she doesn't want to add blemishes to what's already there. 

Whatever her real reason for protecting her body from pregnancy, I would hope that it's not for anyone other than herself (e.g. an OM).


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

you're bringing another woman into your marriage. IT seems like your wife would understand that. You will need to be reassured that the surrogate is living, eating, exercising well and so on. Maybe your wife has it worked out that you will never have contact with the surrogate.

Knowing that there are women out there who think in terms of "starter marriages" and so on, I would be really careful here.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I have no particular feelings one way or the other on surrogacy, but I didn't particularly enjoy my ex's pregnancy. If you choose it and can afford surrogacy, fine. Will a nanny be the next step, though? Still not an issue I have strong feelings about.

The only issue I see is that your relationship is sorely lacking in connection and intimacy. Why bring a child into a problematical relationship? If you can fix the relationship first, then whatever option you then choose that works for you is fine. IMO, you won't be able to fix this relationship, so perhaps the issue is moot.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

My wife and i had 8 years of trying to conceive......at no time did we even think of getting a surrogate. She wanted to experience all of motherhood the good and the bad, and her body was just as beautiful after as it was before.........the fact that your wife does not want to disrupt her work for maturity should tell you right there that she is not ready for parenthood, let alone motherhood....i am even surprised she even wants to have sex with you she seems liek the type of person who would have a surrogate for that as well, so she doesn't get messy. Let's be honest here, if you get a child via this procedure, you not her will be running to the doctors, the schools, stay home when it gets sick.....I would say no.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I hated being pregnant. Labor and delivery, except for the last baby, was no walk in the park. But there was something magical about the culmination, the achievement greater than anything in this world, to be a sweaty, bloody, exhausted mess and handed this miraculous squaling infant. Just magical! Instantly feeling a bond, literally a metaphysical band of pure love wrapping around both of us, a bond so strong absolutely nothing in the world can break it, when looking upon that tiny face, was a direct result of the effort involved in getting to that moment, I believe.

Adoptive parents can feel this too and I believe it is because they faced heart break and then hope many times over before they finally got to that moment in time when they held that baby.

This is something every woman (and I know this lacks gender inclusivity but it is only women who bleed every month reminding them ....not baby) instinctively knows without thought and certainly not putting it into words. 

The fact that your wife blithely dismisses this process in order to protect her body from the changes her body was designed to undergo is a screaming pounding alarm of warning. Something isn't right here.

The fact that your wife also dislikes sex, apparently, also indicates something isn't quite right here.

As @Satya pointed out, your wife doesn't want to put effort into motherhood. Perhaps this is a result of irrational fear? Perhaps she heard some horror stories of what pregnancy does to a body and considering her body has already betrayed her (growing up with rheumatoid arthritis could definitely be a catalyst for this kind of fear) she doesn't want to risk more damage? Perhaps she hasn't really gotten to the point where she actually yearns for a baby and is blithe about motherhood? 

Whatever the thoughts, or lack of thoughts that prompted that declaration you and your wife need to do some very serious, in depth and intimate discussions about what you each expect for your lives, for yourselves, and from each other.

When I got married I was young, and dumb, and hadn't really given much thought, realistically, to what I wanted in life. I got pregnant right away and the next time I looked up to consider what I wanted from life I was in my 40's. 

You wanted to know how other men would feel missing out on the process of pregnancy and childbirth. I suggest it doesn't matter how other men would feel. It matters how you feel and it seems like you would not want to miss out on that process. You instinctively felt something when she made that statement and it concerned you enough to check with other men to confirm the process of becoming a parent is not something you would want to intentionally exclude from your life. That stunning moment when she tells you she's pregnant, seeing her belly swell, feeling the baby move, even supporting her as she complains about her back as she runs to the bathroom for the 3rd time in the last hour, these are all moments in time that define memories we hold dear and you know in your heart you want these moments.

Life really is too short to attach yourself to someone who doesn't care about the things you care about, and doesn't seem to care too much about you.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Sounds to me about the same as getting ice cream as Baskin-Robbins.... "I'll take one baby please." 

This marriage is already on the rocks. Cut away the rigging and save yourself.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> I hated being pregnant. Labor and delivery, except for the last baby, was no walk in the park. But there was something magical about the culmination, the achievement greater than anything in this world, to be a sweaty, bloody, exhausted mess and handed this miraculous squaling infant. Just magical! Instantly feeling a bond, literally a metaphysical band of pure love wrapping around both of us, a bond so strong absolutely nothing in the world can break it, when looking upon that tiny face, was a direct result of the effort involved in getting to that moment, I believe.
> 
> Adoptive parents can feel this too and I believe it is because they faced heart break and then hope many times over before they finally got to that moment in time when they held that baby.
> 
> ...


That was a really nice and heartfelt post, Anon.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Mary read this, too. You know, she reads over my shoulder. She just laughed, and said kick her to the curb. If she thinks this way about getting pregnant, she will hate being a mother. The baby is just a status symbol, like a purse dog.

But to answer your question, I do think you would miss out on things you should not miss.

Divorce her. Marry the surrogate. Make the baby the old fashioned way.

It would probably be cheaper in the long run, too.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hmm.....yet it's ok for a baby to "destroy" a surrogate's body. Just pay someone else to **** up her body? That's how this works?

This doesn't sit well with me, barring medical necessity of course. 

Besides, it depends on what it means for ones body to be destroyed. I carried 2 and my body is far from destroyed.

Assuming her body is perfect now, which is unlikely, age is going to destroy it anyway.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Sounds like you have your head in the right place. You need to fix your marriage before you have kids with her. You will be setting yourself up for disaster.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Think I'd take the opportunity to yank the cord and bail.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Does your wife have any sexual abuse history? 

I had similar excuses for not wanting kids, I am still terrified of and at the gynaecologist. 
Didn't plan on getting pregnant, probably a good thing or it would have never happened. 

Have you guys decided who would be the primary caregiver? 
She obviously has her career as a priority, who's going to be looking after the newborn when it's home from the hospital? It will need full time care for the first couple of months. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

She doesn't want to have sex with you and she doesn't want to have your baby. There doesn't seem to be much of a marriage to save. Hire a lawyer, not a surrogate.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> Divorce her. Marry the surrogate. Make the baby the old fashioned way.


This stirs up memories of the conversation I had with my older brother at the end of last year, where I was discussing the prospect of my wife wanting a surrogate with him. For some context, my brother has been married longer than me and his wife has delivered 3 children in their marriage.

Our conversation literally degenerated into jokes about me dating the surrogate, e.g. me conveying a tremendous amount of confusion to my wife about why we even needed her egg and not the surrogate's egg, my wife calling my cell during the surrogacy to find that I was "hanging out" with the surrogate, etc etc. 

We actually had a few good laughs over this, which was quite surprising given my brother's morality is orders of magnitude above mine (he is a man of the cloth). If I took a step back and considered our joking, it really centered on one key issue: through surrogacy, my wife would be forfeiting certain privileges of a wife and mother to a complete stranger, which figuratively, would make a complete stranger more attractive to me than my own wife! 

Herein lies a core issue: I struggle to disassociate my wife from the birth mother of my child. In my mind, the two are the same, and perhaps only in "bizarro world" would they be different.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> Does your wife have any sexual abuse history?


I've asked her before and she said "No". If I looked beyond her words, that perspective would support what she said. I don't see abuse in her past; something else is causing her behavior.



MrsAldi said:


> Have you guys decided who would be the primary caregiver? She obviously has her career as a priority...


My wife flip flops on a lot of things (scary, to me at least), and this is one of them.

This weekend, she was talking about how she would take maternity leave, where before, it seemed like she was concerned that "malignancy" in her corporate culture would discourage her maternity leave. 

After her maternity leave, I assume that I would be the primary caregiver given that I work from home, which I'm OK with for a few years.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Hope Shimmers said:


> I don't really see the connection between "some muscle weakness" and pregnancy, but surely that is something her rheumatologist could answer. And again, if she has muscle weakness, raising a child is going to be hard on her too.
> 
> It just doesn't sound very thought-out (just being honest), and it sounds more like a bunch of excuses.


My wife is weak, and I imagine that if a woman is not conditioned, her pregnancy will take all the more of a physical toll. That's why I mentioned her condition. I do believe part of this is on her; she could likely gain strength from some therapy and implementing a more active lifestyle. But like I mentioned, she hasn't taken these steps.

My wife's weakness has implications beyond just the pregnancy. She currently has trouble carrying objects that weigh 10-15 lbs, and frequently asks me to carry things for her. This suggests she couldn't carry a child, and I would be doing a lot of work. I'm not entirely opposed to that idea.

But your suspicion is not completely unreasonable, as I, too, have wondered if my wife is just making excuses, especially about the pregnancy.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

_anonymous_ said:


> I've asked her before and she said "No". If I looked beyond her words, that perspective would support what she said. I don't see abuse in her past; something else is causing her behavior.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I don't think either of you have thought this through. Please don't go forward with this until you have.

You "assume" that you would be the primary caregiver.... because you work from home? If you plan to still work full-time, you can't do that and take care of a baby, even from home. Trust me, I have tried.

I think you should also seriously consider what others have stated about your wife's behavior. You seem to have just glided over all of that, and honestly, it seems like there are some serious topics that you two need to work through related to her issues.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Umm, if she can't safely carry 10 lbs, she won't be caring for the child much, if at all. It wouldn't be safe for the baby. For an infant, being accidentally dropped can cause severe brain damage and can even be fatal. She wouldn't be able to grab the child and get it to safety in an emergency. You'd literally be unable to leave her alone with the child until it was old enough to walk unassisted.

Why allow a stranger to gestate your baby so that you can be, in effect, a single parent in an unhappy marriage?


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