# Controlling, non-compromising, critical STBX wife



## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

I'm really torn up about what to do. Wife and I were married a total of 14 months. About 7 months into it, we started marriage counseling.

We dated for about 6 months before we got married. 3 of which were spent at my Mom's house as she endured the final stages of cancer. I also then had to put down my dog of 13 years. Then I had a prostate cancer scare. So we had about 3 months of really getting to know each other and things seemed fine.

But when we got married, I started to discover how she wasn't able to compromise very much. I had a house that I was preparing to sell and she offered very little in assistance in getting it ready to sell but was right there when the check was cut to make sure it was put into "our" checking account. And because I asked very little from her, the times that I did ask for her help, I somewhat was expecting her to reciprocate. More times than not, she wouldn't do it. 

To add salt to the wound, I was unemployed but had financial means so her lifestyle did not change one bit. In fact it was readily improved. Over the course of 14 months I spent over $60k on the two of us yet she felt she was carrying the financial burden because I wasn't working and she had to get up at 5:30am to go to her teaching position. When I pointed this out to her about how I spent far more than what she made and that I was no financial burden to her, she ignored it and changed the subject. I even said that if she thought I was a 'financial drain' that we should separate our joint accounts and I would contribute half to our marital expenses. Her reply? If I didn't put all of my money back, our marriage was over.

My issues: she's pretty OCD when it comes to a clean house. We had one fight about how I wasn't cleaning the bathroom right. Mind you, this was while I was cleaning it and was told I was doing it all wrong and she stepped in behind me to do it 'her way'. She's fairly controlling as well. Since I'm in-between jobs, she won't let me get a dog again because she says that I'll spend too much time on it. Then it changed to, we could get a dog once we got a bigger house. Then it changed to getting a smaller dog because a lab was messy (they shed and get drool everywhere). Having a dog is important to me and she was initially open to having one and of my choosing (since I'd be taking care of it).

While I was unemployed, I did all the cooking (she cooked less than 15 times during our 14 months together), did the grocery shopping, cleaned the majority of the house, did the dishes and did all the financial stuff. I felt that since she was at work, it was the least I could do. But when the few chores she had on her plate that she agreed to do, started moving over to my plate and would get upset with me if they weren't done, I started to get resentful. When I pointed this out, she got defensive and said that until I got a job, my job was to take care of things at home (which I agree with, to a certain point). 

Anyway, we went to several rounds of counseling and naturally the counselor said that I needed to get a job, even if it meant cleaning toilets. I'm re-employed now but that was after we separated (straw that broke the camels back was when she called the cops after I had a 5 beers in 4 hours (I was in no way drunk) and we got into an argument about how I was sitting around drinking all day. Then she said she was in fear of her life because I had guns in the house (never, never have threatened her or anyone else). Next day I went down to the bank, took all my pre-marital money from our joint checking account out and left $5k that I had placed into another joint checking account. She then promptly took all of that out (which was not hers to begin with). 

I realize I'm rambling but there's part of me that wants to see if there's something else we could do to work things out. I am concerned about her lack of compromise and the fact that at 35, her longest relationship lasted one year. She seems like she's wanting to reconcile but I have my reservations given what's happened in the past. I know you can't change anyone and wondering whether it's worthwhile to see what can be done to salvage the relationship. BTW, our counselor said that maybe we weren't meant to be married! He was having a bad day that day, but still, it does make me wonder if I'm crazy to try and give it another go.

Anyone here separated and then was able to successfully recover their marriage? I hate to be divorced given our short time together and wondering if I've done everything that I could to salvage it. I do feel that I wouldn't be happy living under her 'requirements' as I often felt like a guest in a stranger's house. And I'm wondering whether marriage is really everything people say it should be, especially with the wife entitlement mentality that many of them have nowadays. Any advice or input?

P.S. I should state that this was copied from a previous forum and we've been separated 10 months now. I moved into a great townhome community and have some great, great neighbors. We've gotten together several times but each time it leads right back to the issues we had in our past (me ensuring she's happy and neglects my needs/wants). Last time was when we spent the weekend together and she wanted to address my current employment (I trade stocks and sell industrial parts -- not making quite what I was making but happy). She said that I needed to "up my game" and start making what I was making prior to our marriage. Not supportive at all for what I'd enjoy doing, just ensuring that she would be provided for should we reconnect. Then she sends me a text stating that if she had started reading "50 Shades of Grey" prior to us reconnecting, I would've gotten a lot more sex than what I did. I never responded. Now she's set on securing the divorce which I'm in agreement with at this point.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

You said it all with your title. Nothing to see here.

Until you both can let go of resentment and expectation on how things should look, it isn't going to work. You're angry and hurt for her not validating you and she is being made out to look like a witch. She may well be, but the way in which you talk about her doesn't give me any encouragement that there is something else for the two of you right now. 

Git R Done.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Dreald,

What was her childhood like?


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## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

From experience, this sounds like a classic case of Borderline Personality Disorder. I suggest that you start looking up some information that is available on this site. 

If this is the case, you are in for a long and difficult uphill battle that you may never win.


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Dreald,
> 
> What was her childhood like?


Latchkey kid as both her parents are blue collar. Signs of OCD as she had to vacuum her room at least 2x/week and insisted on having straight vacuum lines in the carpet and would not allow anyone in her room so as not mess it up.

Parents are still together but IMO, their marriage is loveless. They sleep in separate rooms (He has sleep apnea and wears a machine) and he's one moody SOB. Her Mom is nice, but distant. 

Sister is married but their marriage is a joke. She physically assaulted him with a flashlight and when they went to court for custody hearings, it appeared as though she would lose her kids so she wanted to stay in the marriage. Nobody in the family talks about him or sees him. Quite strange at Thanksgiving.


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

forumman83 said:


> From experience, this sounds like a classic case of Borderline Personality Disorder. I suggest that you start looking up some information that is available on this site.
> 
> If this is the case, you are in for a long and difficult uphill battle that you may never win.


Thanks for the suggestion -- I actually did start examining BPD awhile back after typing in 'controlling wife'. She exhibit a lot of those traits, however I wouldn't say she's a classic case but strong tendencies of BPD. 

Regardless, there's been a long history of lack of respect for me, controlling and non-compromise. We have another 2 months to go before it'll be finalized and while I'm not happy it didn't work out, at least I didn't have years and years invested and we don't have children.

At age 43, I don't think I'll get married again. Not much for a man to gain and a heck of a lot to lose.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

No kids? I'd hit the road.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Dump this controlling bat. She knows everything about everything and believes she's boss of the world. She wants to be in charge? Kick her out. She can be in charge of her. Salvage what you can of your money and material property. Consider whatever you've lost to be tuition to the university of life. This woman didn't wake up one day and decide to be a controlling bat. She always has been but you missed the clues. Probably, you were focused on your mom, your dog, the cancer scare, etc. She wouldn't help you work on the house. That shows her creed is "Semper Me". A woman actually told you that you couldn't get a dog? You didn't run out and buy 5? Told you that you weren't cleaning the bathroom "right"? Told you she'd bail if you didn't do......? Partners don't order. Partners don't threaten. They don't demand. You want a partner, not a drill sergeant, not a mommy, not a boss, not a prison guard. Like I tell my granddaughter, "Little girls who play bossy games play alone."


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Dump this controlling bat. She knows everything about everything and believes she's boss of the world. She wants to be in charge? Kick her out. She can be in charge of her. Salvage what you can of your money and material property. Consider whatever you've lost to be tuition to the university of life. This woman didn't wake up one day and decide to be a controlling bat. She always has been but you missed the clues. Probably, you were focused on your mom, your dog, the cancer scare, etc. She wouldn't help you work on the house. That shows her creed is "Semper Me". A woman actually told you that you couldn't get a dog? You didn't run out and buy 5? Told you that you weren't cleaning the bathroom "right"? Told you she'd bail if you didn't do......? Partners don't order. Partners don't threaten. They don't demand. You want a partner, not a drill sergeant, not a mommy, not a boss, not a prison guard. Like I tell my granddaughter, "Little girls who play bossy games play alone."


Yep. I know I wasn't the perfect husband either but helped her out in so many ways and asked for very little in return that I grew to resent what I was doing for her because she would very rarely reciprocate. It was all about 'her wants and needs'. 

I probably responded inappropriately because I would get angry at her not willing to do a few small things that I needed her to do for me and when confronted with why she wouldn't do them, things would escalate. She would typically say that she was busy (watching "Sex in the City") or that I could do that or she had a long week at work (to which I often helped her with), that she was tired, etc. etc. Even the household chores that she said she would do, eventually the would get placed onto me -- and when I objected, another argument would start.

I'm done -- not happy that I'm in a townhome after selling my house that was nearly paid off, but I feel more at peace now that I don't have her laundry list of things I need to complete that day or deal with the deny, refute or dismiss attitude when I confronted her with the things I wanted her help with. Oh, and did I mention that I bought her a $16.5k wedding ring? While she was always looking at it and admiring it, she said that we would need to upgrade it to a 3ct center diamond for our 5 year anniversary. Hurt my feelings tremendously. Course when I confronted her with it, she said that she was just joking. I said good, then those 1ct diamond earrings you want for our 1 year anniversary was just a joke too? She didn't laugh....

This marriage cost me over $60k for 14 months of marriage. I'll never make that mistake again...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If it costs only $60K to be a free adult human being, that's a bargain. The alternative would be a life of perpetual servitude (and probably poverty) with a hateful American princess, enamored with her own wonderfulness, disdainful that you breath air which should rightfully be her's and without her expressed consent.


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> If it costs only $60K to be a free adult human being, that's a bargain. The alternative would be a life of perpetual servitude (and probably poverty) with a hateful American princess, enamored with her own wonderfulness, disdainful that you breath air which should rightfully be her's and without her expressed consent.


I agree. My Dad said the same thing. It's a lot of money for such a short time but thankfully the pregnancy she did have was miscarried (to which she blamed me for because two of my sperm fertilized her egg...wtf? That's MY fault?) and we don't have a whole lot to separate. Ironically, she wanted me to compensate her further for being married to her. Wouldn't state a figure, that was for me to throw out but wasn't going to leave the marriage "less than whole". She asked for mediation to which I replied there's nothing to mediate. And later when she said that mediation would be less expensive than using lawyers to finalize things, I asked her exactly what she wanted to mediate. She wouldn't tell me as that "was up for her and the mediator to decide".

Unbelievable that for awhile, I wanted to R things and hope things would get better. Now I'm just excited about moving on and getting my own life in order!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sounds like she's an angry person.

Better to let her deal with her own anger than to dump it on you.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

The question is what do you want to do with any of this information? Where do any of the conclusions you may draw about her lead you to go with it? What value does it have for you?

My point is this - whether you get to the 'root' or not, so? You don't live in the past you live in this now. What kind of behavior would need to see before it was worth considering? What does success look like here? I've never found much point in trying to decode the reasons for other people's interior monologues. It's their monologue not yours. What you have to be able to cope with is their behavior. So what behavior represents an acceptable kind of progress to you?


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> The question is what do you want to do with any of this information? Where do any of the conclusions you may draw about her lead you to go with it? What value does it have for you?
> 
> My point is this - whether you get to the 'root' or not, so? You don't live in the past you live in this now. What kind of behavior would need to see before it was worth considering? What does success look like here? I've never found much point in trying to decode the reasons for other people's interior monologues. It's their monologue not yours. What you have to be able to cope with is their behavior. So what behavior represents an acceptable kind of progress to you?


Clearly we should have dated longer before marrying. I doubt I would have married her had I known what I know now and if she hadn't lied about her previous relationships (she's only had 18 month relationship and that was long distance one; the rest were less than a year). We also should not have gotten married while I was unemployed even though I had ample finances to not affect her one iota. 

Success to me would be to ask that she be less controlling and me not feeling like I'm a guest in a stranger's house. To not be so angry with me for things that others see as not a big deal. To have more respect for what I do for her and to reciprocate from time to time. To be more nurturing than demanding. To allow me to express my feelings without being interrupted or immediately becoming defensive.

I don't think I can expect any of these from her. She's 36 years old and most likely will not change. I've had several long term relationships (5 years, 3 years, 2.5 years and several that were over a year). She thought being someone 5 years without getting married was 'pathetic'. 

I understand what you're saying and you're right. Only I can control my future and destiny and not change others. I had only hoped that I could get her to see things from my perspective and address the issues I raised, but unfortunately it was a deny, refute or dismiss.


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

Hi Everyone,

I wanted to let everyone know that I came very close to contacting the STBX wife. My thoughts were to take ownership of the things I should have been working on (NMMNG stuff) and take responsibility of the very things you folks have identified that I COULD control but chose not to in order to appease her many demands. I was going to write this all out in a letter -- not to accuse her of her failings, but to acknowledge mine and that I'm in a much better position for having gone through this.

Why? Well, perhaps at R. But after going back and reading through the comments on this forum as well as talkaboutmarriage.com and another hobby board I belong to, it's quite clear that the overall consensus is that this woman is not healthy and I should not waste my time. I just wish I had seen everything that I see now. And that we should have dated much longer before getting engaged and married. 

But with that said, I wanted to say thank you for your support. Without it, I may well have tried to R and gone back to the NG routine to keep the peace with her and save our impending divorce (less than 2 months away).


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Dreald, based on what you've said here and in several other threads, I suggest you obtain a copy of _Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist._ I also suggest you take a look at my discussion in http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings lots of bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Dreald.


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

Uptown said:


> Dreald, based on what you've said here and in several other threads, I suggest you obtain a copy of _Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist._ I also suggest you take a look at my discussion in http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings lots of bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Dreald.


Uptown -- It's been months since I've been on here but I am now officially divorced from my wife. She couldn't even agree to file for the divorce herself and pay for it even though she was given a $16,000 engagement ring, $1,000 wedding band, took $5,000 out of our joint bank account and wouldn't return half (said, "Oh, like that hurts you...BOO HOO!"), renigged on paying 1/2 of the taxes, took the $180 in credit card rewards out, and my spending over $60k on "us" for only 14 months marriage. She felt it wasn't "fair" for her to spend $180 and the time required to file even though she initiated separation when she falsely called the police on me because she was in fear of her life because I had guns in the house. 

I finally had to tell her to tell her that I was done talking to her and that everything else would need to go through my divorce attorney.

Now she texts me "Chapter legally closed...wishing you a great upcoming holiday and new year....your ex wife".

Don't think I'll even respond.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Don't know your story.

But that isn't needed in regards to the text you received.

No point in responding.

Especially with how she worded it.


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> Don't know your story.
> 
> But that isn't needed in regards to the text you received.
> 
> ...


Well said. As you can see I'm still bitter about all that I provided her with financially and all the things I did to try and make her happy to no avail. She'd find the one thing I didn't do exactly the way she wanted done and would rail on that one item instead of appreciating all the other things I did right.

After having read about BPD and even our former MC indicating that to me in a private session she has BPD tendencies, I am thankful to be moving on with my life. 

I won't contact her. I believe this is just another effort to make her out as the "victim".


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Dreald, you guys have had too many problems for this short relationship.

Take your balls while they are still attached and cut your losses here. There is someone for your wife out there but none with testes. She's not compatible with you or for that matter with hardly anyone. Have self respect and find someone who has a little respect for you.


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Dreald, you guys have had too many problems for this short relationship.
> 
> Take your balls while they are still attached and cut your losses here. There is someone for your wife out there but none with testes. She's not compatible with you or for that matter with hardly anyone. Have self respect and find someone who has a little respect for you.


Very nicely and concisely put. Ironically she stated it was the fact I was no pushover that she was attracted to me. While I did everything at first to make her happy, I realized it really never did (there was always something else) and later pushed back. Which was when we were consistently fighting - no way a marriage should have been like that with a constant power struggle, even during the first year. 

I struggle with texting her back something to the effect of "Happy holidays to you too. I hope you find someone who you respect and care for". Won't change anything but does provide some closure to me.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Dreald said:


> Very nicely and concisely put. Ironically she stated it was the fact I was no pushover that she was attracted to me. While I did everything at first to make her happy, I realized it really never did (there was always something else) and later pushed back. Which was when we were consistently fighting - no way a marriage should have been like that with a constant power struggle, even during the first year.
> 
> I struggle with texting her back something to the effect of *"Happy holidays to you too. I hope you find someone who you respect and care for"*. Won't change anything but does provide some closure to me.


All that does is feed the cycle.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Dreald said:


> Uptown -- It's been months since I've been on here but I am now officially divorced from my wife.


Congratulations, Dreald! Thanks so much for giving us an update so we know that you held firm in your decision to divorce her. Now you don't have to worry about her having a hissy fit and calling up the police to have you arrested on a bogus charge.


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

Uptown said:


> Congratulations, Dreald! Thanks so much for giving us an update so we know that you held firm in your decision to divorce her. Now you don't have to worry about her having a hissy fit and calling up the police to have you arrested on a bogus charge.


Thanks Uptown! And yes, that bogus charge was the final straw for me...she never apologized for it but that's pretty typical for any of her transgressions!


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