# New Member - need advice



## tm523

Hello, new to this and asking for advice about my relationship.

My wife and I got married this past summer and have been together for almost 4 years. This is her 2nd marriage and my first. Her ex was the worst kind of person. She still has PTSD from his abuse. It has gotten much better but it is still there. While they were together, she co-signed on a loan. During her divorce she took that loan on, because he is a POS and wouldn't pay, so that she wouldn't be penalized as her name is in it and to make him go away. This is the last thing that ties her to him. She wants to get rid of it by paying it down as fast as possible. 

For the first time in our relationship, this has effected us. She wants to pay more so we have less spending money. We are looking to make a large purchase but now that has hindered us from doing so. Even smaller things like suggesting we go away for the weekend she got upset with me because I wasn't being sensitive to the fact that she is putting more money towards the loan. 

I told her that I don't want anything to do with that loan and don't have an opinion on how she wants to pay for it. That upset her. Her opinion is that when we married, it's now ours. She doesn't necessarily mean that my money goes towards that loan, she feels that I am not supporting her to pay more. I told her she can pay how she wants and that I don't have an opinion on it. But her take is that how much she pays effects extra money. 

Am I wrong for feeling the way that I do? Should I have the attitude that this should be my debt now too?

Please help!


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## arbitrator

tm523 said:


> Hello, new to this and asking for advice about my relationship.
> 
> My wife and I got married this past summer and have been together for almost 4 years. This is her 2nd marriage and my first. Her ex was the worst kind of person. She still has PTSD from his abuse. It has gotten much better but it is still there. While they were together, she co-signed on a loan. During her divorce she took that loan on, because he is a POS and wouldn't pay, so that she wouldn't be penalized as her name is in it and to make him go away. This is the last thing that ties her to him. She wants to get rid of it by paying it down as fast as possible.
> 
> For the first time in our relationship, this has effected us. She wants to pay more so we have less spending money. We are looking to make a large purchase but now that has hindered us from doing so. Even smaller things like suggesting we go away for the weekend she got upset with me because I wasn't being sensitive to the fact that she is putting more money towards the loan.
> 
> I told her that I don't want anything to do with that loan and don't have an opinion on how she wants to pay for it. That upset her. Her opinion is that when we married, it's now ours. She doesn't necessarily mean that my money goes towards that loan, she feels that I am not supporting her to pay more. I told her she can pay how she wants and that I don't have an opinion on it. But her take is that how much she pays effects extra money.
> 
> Am I wrong for feeling the way that I do? Should I have the attitude that this should be my debt now too?
> 
> Please help!


*First Off, Welcome to the TAM Family! Happy to have you here!

Have the two of you ever consulted with a financial counselor about this? *


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## Yeswecan

Yes, you do assume your W debt directly or indirectly as a result of being married. What is the difference if your W is paying $1.00 or $2.00? Either way the pooled finances is getting a debt of this payment. For the greater good of your overall financial health(and relationship) her paying it down faster is logical. Also, this loan generated from her first abusive marriage is a monthly reminder of a time she was extremely unhappy. Let your W be finally rid of her first H for good.


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## Sfort

tm523 said:


> Am I wrong for feeling the way that I do? Should I have the attitude that this should be my debt now too?
> 
> Please help!


Yes, you're wrong. It's your debt, too. That's the purpose of a marriage. If you wanted a roommate with no legal or moral obligations, you should have shacked up with her. You should 100% support her in getting the debt paid off as soon as possible. It's an impediment to her happiness, and as her husband, you should be doing everything you can, including working a second or third job, to help her get rid of this millstone around her neck. Don't you want the ex-husband out of her life and mind?


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## MJJEAN

Did you know about the loan when you married? Do you pool finances or do you keep separate finances and each pay your share of the bills?


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## MattMatt

Is she receiving counselling and therapy?


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## tm523

Thank you for your input.


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## tm523

MJJEAN said:


> Did you know about the loan when you married? Do you pool finances or do you keep separate finances and each pay your share of the bills?


Yes, I knew about it. And was told it wouldn't effect me/us. We pool finances and pay for everything together.


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## MJJEAN

tm523 said:


> Yes, I knew about it. And was told it wouldn't effect me/us. We pool finances and pay for everything together.


This makes zero sense. If you're pooling finances of course any debt one has effects the other. That's a given. You knew of the debt and you pooled finances. By sharing finances you, in effect, took on repayment of the debt as a joint expense.


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## tm523

MJJEAN said:


> This makes zero sense. If you're pooling finances of course any debt one has effects the other. That's a given. You knew of the debt and you pooled finances. By sharing finances you, in effect, took on repayment of the debt as a joint expense.


Let me clarify, she budgets, and puts a certain amount aside for this loan. We both have allotted ourselves non sharing money.


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## Yeswecan

tm523 said:


> Yes, I knew about it. And was told it wouldn't effect me/us. We pool finances and pay for everything together.


How could the loan not affect you/both when it is paid from pooled finances? Even the loan was paid for my your W generated funds it still affect the overall financial picture.


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## Yeswecan

MJJEAN said:


> This makes zero sense. If you're pooling finances of course any debt one has effects the other. That's a given. You knew of the debt and you pooled finances. By sharing finances you, in effect, took on repayment of the debt as a joint expense.


^for the win.


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## Yeswecan

Quite honestly, you should be ecstatic that your W is being financially responsible with not only pay off the loan but attempting to do it sooner.


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## tm523

Yeswecan said:


> ^for the win.


As I clarified in an earlier response, she puts money aside and budgets accordingly for this.


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## Yeswecan

tm523 said:


> As I clarified in an earlier response, she puts money aside and budgets accordingly for this.


That money is then not pooled. This affect the overall financial picture. Basically, money you two can't spend on fun stuff. 

Welcome to marriage. It ain't this is mine and yours is mine. Help pay off the loan. Be happy.


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## MJJEAN

tm523 said:


> Let me clarify, she budgets, and puts a certain amount aside for this loan. We both have allotted ourselves non sharing money.


Ok. And? You have shared finances. Anything she budgets for comes out of the shared pot. You each get an allowance to spend on whatever. None of this changes the fact that you were aware of the debt and pooled finances so the debt repayment comes from the joint funds and is now effectively a joint expense.

If you don't like how she budgets you could negotiate how she allots the shared funds or just separate finances and pay 50% of the household expenses however you see fit. Some put 50% into a joint account while others agree who pays what bill.


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## wilson

tm523 said:


> She wants to pay more so we have less spending money.


To me, the overpayment sounds like the part which might be unfair. If you thought $X would be going towards the loan and now she wants to put $X+$Y towards the loan, that would be a reasonable thing to discuss. 

However, because of her history with her ex, I would support paying this loan off as fast as possible even if it meant temporary hardships. Having the monthly payment is a monthly reminder of what he put her through. The sooner she can get rid of the loan, the sooner she can forget about him. If you supported her on this, it would mean a lot to her.

How much is the balance of the loan that needs to be paid off?


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## tm523

I appreciate everyone's input on this and I seemed to have gotten the advice that I was looking for. That said, is there a way to delete this thread as I am the thread starter? Seeing how this is specific to myself, I don't feel it needs to be shared an longer. I realize that putting it into a public forum contradicts that but I needed advice.


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## Yeswecan

tm523 said:


> I appreciate everyone's input on this and I seemed to have gotten the advice that I was looking for. That said, is there a way to delete this thread as I am the thread starter? Seeing how this is specific to myself, I don't feel it needs to be shared an longer. I realize that putting it into a public forum contradicts that but I needed advice.


Bills and loans are not specific. We all have them in single and married life. If this loan is such an issue you have a long road ahead of you and your marriage. Good luck.


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