# I am OW, wife keeps trying to call me..



## Regretful567 (Oct 11, 2012)

It has been three months since I last had contact with her husband and it was to confirm we are over and done. He has not contacted me in any way. I have no intention of ever making contact with him again. Ever. 

I regret my actions, and will live with my guilt for the rest of my life. I had known this man because he was my direct boss, and a father figure to me, and a person i had been able to trust for six years. He initiated our affair and I unfortunately chose the wrong path. I knew his wife well and his family, I spent many Christmases with them. His wife was either really naive or she was overlooking our affair. The affair went on daily for two years. 

I spent the majority of our relationship trying to end things so I could move away from this destructive behavior. He always could talk his way back in. I have never engaged in any type of affair before in my life, it was only him who had this trust/friend relationship with me who I would have made this egregious error in judgment. 

His wife has called me five times from their house phone, at noon or around 4/5pm, over the last couple of weeks. She never leaves a voicemail or writes an email. I legitimately miss her call every time because I am working. Tonight she called me from her cell. I feel certain she has something to say to me. I have not contacted her back because I'm not sure what to do. 

Should I answer? IF I dont, will she resort to coming to my apartment or my work? I don't have the impression from knowing her that she is violent or crazy or wants to confront me like that. what I've done is reprehensible and there will never be anything I can do or say that would be of console to her. I pray every evening that I will be removed from her thoughts and she can forget me and be happy with her husband, if they are still together. 

If I do answer, what should I say? What is it she wants of me? My friend says she wants to make me feel guilty, which I am already. I make a terrible decision and I have lost everything. I would say I am sorry and will regret this forever, but will that even help? Also, this is a little paranoid, but would she record the call for any reason? 


Does she want me to tell her details or something? Is that a good idea? I would if it is helpful but I don't want to hurt her or make her more angry. 

I dont know what to do. I feel that she has the right to curse me out and ask me how I could have done this to her, and I deserve it. I don't want to hurt her further by telling her anything that happened in the affair. Would it? Should I email her to say I see her missed calls and let her know a time when I can talk? 

I genuinely do not want to have any contact with her or him ever again in my life. I want to move on to a healthy relationship with someone who is not selfish and uses me for sex and intimacy. I have accepted another job and will be moving out of the country within the next 9 months. 

Should I answer the call? If I answer the call, what should I say?


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## Shaunee (Oct 10, 2012)

I was in a similar situation. The OW for 6 months then my partner and i started dating. I felt a lot of guilt and allowed the ex to contact me to vent and question...this went on for months but ive now changed my number so that she cant contact me as its had a huge impact on my relationship with him. She wasnt getting any answers from my partner so she resorted to getting them from me. Im an honest person but my partner isnt, he found it difficult to accept and hear the truth etc so i did that for her. Just tell her the honest truth, apologize and be sincere in doing so. It will help you move on too.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Its over change your number or if you know its her for sure report her for stalking especially if she comes to your office.


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## fortheloveofit2 (Oct 1, 2012)

You have her cell number. Text her. Tell her, she shares her husband. If not with you with the next woman he WILL be cheating with. Thus is life...

Text her, and stop feeling guilty. Watch a movie and get over it.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Yes, take her call. Have some compassion. You helped destroy her life. Maybe not intentionally, but still. 

If she is threatening you or stalking you, then you should file a restraining order or something. Of course, if she harasses you, then put a stop to it with legal means. More likely, she is a wreck because of this affair and is trying to work it out. 

You knew her. You betrayed her, too. You deceived her. She's definitely going to have something to say to you. Listen to it. Apologize. Tell her that you will never see him again. Mean it. 

You don't deserve to be physically harmed, but you do deserve a telling off. You do deserve to face the music and see what the consequences of your actions are -- not because you should be harmed, but because you somehow didn't realize for TWO YEARS what your actions would do to someone else and if you don't reconcile that with yourself now, you will eventually have to deal with the issues later when they begin to damage the rest of your life.

Maybe hearing her out will lead you to understand why you made such terrible choices at such great cost and without regard for someone who you knew. When you figure it out, you might be able to heal the part of you that is wounded and enabled you to think it was a good idea.

I'm not trying to be cruel to you, just honest. I think that avoiding her call is cowardly. I think you should face what you've done so that you learn from it.

And, then, move on.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Why should you escape the consequences of your actions?


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

It sounds like you have done your own soul searching and you are going to live with it.

If you want to answer maybe tell her she has ten miuntes to ask any thing she wants or say anything she want after ten hang up and it over.If she keeps calling report her.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

It has been three months since I last had contact with her husband and it was to confirm we are over and done. He has not contacted me in any way. I have no intention of ever making contact with him again. Ever. 

*Did she find out and that is the reason the affair came to end? Or did you guys end it on your own?*

I regret my actions, and will live with my guilt for the rest of my life. I had known this man because he was my direct boss, and a father figure to me, and a person i had been able to trust for six years. He initiated our affair and I unfortunately chose the wrong path. I knew his wife well and his family, I spent many Christmases with them. His wife was either really naive or she was overlooking our affair. The affair went on daily for two years. 

*Please in all fairness, DO NOT put this back on her shoulders. Not every BW/BH realizes that they are being betrayed. Most of the time we trust our spouses 100%. She allowed you to be present in her house for the holidays and you stabbed her in the back. He was your boss, that is why it went on daily...he had an valid excuse to see you.*

His wife has called me five times from their house phone, at noon or around 4/5pm, over the last couple of weeks. She never leaves a voicemail or writes an email. I legitimately miss her call every time because I am working. Tonight she called me from her cell. I feel certain she has something to say to me. I have not contacted her back because I'm not sure what to do. 

*She most likely has questions for you to verify. DO NOT be coward. If you are afraid I would text her or email her, but answer her questions truthfully. You have nothing to lose. DO NOT protect her husband.*

Should I answer? 

*Yes*

IF I dont, will she resort to coming to my apartment or my work? 

*She might. I would not let it get that far.*

I don't have the impression from knowing her that she is violent or crazy or wants to confront me like that. 

*Then you have nothing to lose by answering her calls.*

what I've done is reprehensible and there will never be anything I can do or say that would be of console to her. I pray every evening that I will be removed from her thoughts and she can forget me and be happy with her husband, if they are still together. 

*The truth is you contributed to her pain. The best you can do is own up to your part and tell her sorry AND MEAN IT!!!*

If I do answer, what should I say? 

*Listen to her, answer her question truthfully and apologize. Let her know this is the one time you will be in contact.*

What is it she wants of me? 

*ANSWERS and to probably tell you off.*

My friend says she wants to make me feel guilty, which I am already. 

*As you should.*

I make a terrible decision and I have lost everything. 

*As a BS I have to say thank you for realizing that damaged that you helped cause. Not every OW owns up to her mistakes.*

I would say I am sorry and will regret this forever, but will that even help? 

*Maybe not right away, but it will eventually if you are sincere with her.*

Also, this is a little paranoid, but would she record the call for any reason? 

*She might use it as proof to her husband. But you should not care about that.*

Does she want me to tell her details or something? 

*This is my best guess.*

Is that a good idea? I would if it is helpful but I don't want to hurt her or make her more angry. 

*Yep and you should to expect her to be angry with you and him.*

I dont know what to do. I feel that she has the right to curse me out and ask me how I could have done this to her, and I deserve it. I don't want to hurt her further by telling her anything that happened in the affair. Would it? 

*Yes it will probably hurt, hopefully you will only confirm what her husband has claimed. But she has every right to know what you two did.*

Should I email her to say I see her missed calls and let her know a time when I can talk? 

*Since you have her email, why not just ask her what she wants via email and communicate that way.*

I genuinely do not want to have any contact with her or him ever again in my life. I want to move on to a healthy relationship with someone who is not selfish and uses me for sex and intimacy. 

*That door closed the moment you got involved with a MM.*


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Do the decent thing and answer her. Tell her you don't want to talk but are doing it to in some way, as minute as it is, to right the wrongs you have done.

If as in the above post she starts calling you continuously then you will have to put a gentle stop to that. But the least you can do now you have damaged so much is to listen and apologise. And yes it will help. It will help her ENORMOUSLY. Do not underestimate this. It is the least you should do.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

dubbizle said:


> Its over change your number or if you know its her for sure report her for stalking especially if she comes to your office.


But if you read this paragraph


> I knew his wife well and his family, I spent many Christmases with them


You will be able to conclude that the wife was a very good friend of the OP. She was doubly betrayed. 

She needs closure. 

OP needs to woman up and reply to her call. 

The wife may yet not know of the affair and might want her input on helping her husband get through his depression.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The OP needs to consider something she needs to work on in herself:-



> His wife was either *really naive* or she was *overlooking our affair*. The affair went on daily for two years.


Do you harbour some contempt or resentment of the faithful wife of your ex-lover?

Because that part of your post sounds very affair foggy to me.

Because to me that sentence (when taken in context with the rest of your post) really says: "Boy! Was she ever naive! We played her ever day for two years! Gosh, I was even her guest at Christmas, for goodness sake and I was having sex with her husband! How come she didn't notice?"

I'll tell you how come. Because she trusted her husband and she trusted her friend, you. And you both abused her trust and treated her with contempt.

You do owe her an apology.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

As everyone else said,return the woman's calls.She deserves to be heard and she deserves the chance to confront you.
If you're truly remorseful and sorry for what you did then you wouldn't hide from her the way you are currently.

You would face her and give her the chance to unload the burden of these feelings your affair with her husband caused her to have.

You spent time with this woman.Ate meals in her home and probably spent time with her children too.I think she deserves more from you than this duck and dodge game.

Put yourself in her shoes.This affair went on for two years.The pain you and her husband have caused her must be overwhelming.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Answer the call, tell her the truth, answer her questions.

She deserves that much from you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There is a lot of "woe is me" in your post. You were not taken advantage of or "used." You chose to have an affair. Also, you say she must have been "naive" or "overlooked" the affair. That is really poor taste. Don't blame her for not knowing about how you and he both betrayed her marriage. Own it.

Now with that little spiel said, I think this is simple:

If you were woman enough to fvck her husband for 2 years and play like you were her "friend" when you saw her and her family, even spending holidays in her marital home (omg), then you are woman enough to respond to her. She is hurting badly. You could at least respect her enough to answer her after helping betray her marriage. It may give you and her some closure.

In the future, don't cheat. And pray you don't get cheated on the same way.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

dubbizle said:


> Its over change your number or if you know its her for sure report her for stalking especially if she comes to your office.


I would be very cautious about doing something like this. 

There will be a police record, and you must tell the truth about why you think this women is calling and the police record will then include your infidelity. 

BTW: Police often release any and all police reports filed, to the local press. 

Also, if you lie in the police report about the infidelity, that is a crime, and in the U.S. it is a gross misdeanor which can lead to up to five years in jail.

*Edited to add:*

Also by going to the police you open yourself to a civil suit. 

This betrayed spouse can make a good case for emotional harrassment by you. And, most juries would be on her side, given the fact that you were a friend and went to her house knowning you were having an affair with her husband. That will make you look very bad in court, as it should.

Your cheating caused PTSD in her and ruined her marriage. Going to the police can reinjure her psyche. 

Also, she can sue for alienation of affection. Winning need not be her objective. 

She is the victim......NOT YOU. Please remember that.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> There is a lot of "woe is me" in your post. You were nto taken advantage of. You chose to have an affair. Also, you say she must have been "naive" or "overlooked" the affair. That is really poor taste. Don't blame her for not knowing about how you and he both betrayed her marriage. Own it.


i agree with this 100%.first thing i thought when reading through the post.that's why i don't think OP is truly sorry.I find myself wondering if she has a conscience at all if she could carry on like this for 2 years while still being the woman's friend and interacting with the family.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Regretful567 said:


> I
> 
> I regret my actions, and will live with my guilt for the rest of my life. I had known this man because he was my direct boss, and a father figure to me, and a person i had been able to trust for six years. He initiated our affair and I unfortunately chose the wrong path. I knew his wife well and his family, I spent many Christmases with them. His wife was either really naive or she was overlooking our affair. The affair went on daily for two years.


There is waaay too much self pity and blameshifting in your post. 

Correcting this behavior will protect you from cheating again. 

You are placing too much blame on your affair partner. 

In reality the truth is likely that you were giving off vibes that advertised that you were fully open to an affair. 

Also, that fact that you allowed it to continue for two years is another clue. 

If you felt your boss was predatory you could have filed a harrassment suit against him. 

You did not.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Regretful567 said:


> His wife has called me five times from their house phone, at noon or around 4/5pm, over the last couple of weeks. She never leaves a voicemail or writes an email. I legitimately miss her call every time because I am working. Tonight she called me from her cell. I feel certain she has something to say to me. I have not contacted her back because I'm not sure what to do.


Also, from a legal perspective, if she does not speak, you have no proof it is her. 

Anyone can be calling from her phone. And, the police will likely apprise you of that fact. 

Unless she actually speaks and leaves a message, it could be her husband calling, or her children.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Look, I'm pretty sure it's the wife calling her if Regretful was friends with her and knows her #. 

Let's offer some constructive advice here.

Regretful, you are going to catch a lot of sh!t in this thread because of where you are posting and what you did but ... try to brave the storm. 

Can I ask--why have you been avoiding her calls? Is it the guilt or you just don't want to face what you did? Are you afraid to face your truth? Or something else?

How would you feel if you were her? Answer that honestly. It may help you empathize with her.

I think you should definitely respond to the wife, your former friend.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Look, I'm pretty sure it's the wife calling her if Regretful was friends with her and knows her #.
> 
> Let's offer some constructive advice here.


It is constructive advice. 

In a court of law they will ask for proof. 

Intuitive impressions or a feeling that it is "likely her" mean nothing in court or with the police. 

She needs proof positive. Period. That is just a fact.

I don't think she should go to the police. 

I would be fitting for someone who has cheated to do this, and make a fool of themselves. 

But as mentioned, I don't think it is a constructive idea for all the reasons mentioned.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

*You were all at this womans' house on the holidays . She thought of you as a friend. Sounds like you were seen as apart of the extended family (a daughter almost to her). You all eatting,drinking and smiling in this womans face. But you sleeping with her husband every chance you get. It was not all his fault.You knew what you were doing too. This W (friend )is not hiding like you did. You should be a woman and take her phone call. IMHO the W (friend) is calling to give you a chance to say sorry. You betrayed a friend and should at least give her five mins of your time. I don't think this woman wants to hurt anyone. She is the only victim here. What you did was sleep with your friends husband. The W is showing much class by just calling you. You know it is her and should answer her call. Don't say you're at work or to busy anymore (weak excuses). It is time to own what you did to her. IMHO you can then move on with your life. This might help you feel better too. Your friends are wrong about the W . If the W wanted to hurt you, she would already have done it. Be a woman take the call.*

*Also you should learn about limitations. *


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> Also, from a legal perspective, if she does not speak, you have no proof it is her.
> 
> Anyone can be calling from her phone. And, the police will likely apprise you of that fact.
> 
> Unless she actually speaks and leaves a message, it could be her husband calling, or her children.


Or it could be pocket dialling.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Or it could be pocket dialling.


*
No W called from home a few times. *


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I doubt it's pocket dialing. She probably wants to reach OP and OP isn't answering her.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I doubt it's pocket dialing. She probably wants to reach OP and OP isn't answering her.


Just looking at various ways that the police might blow off the accusation.

I remember living on the ground floor of an apartment, I and my roomate were missing some items out of several rooms. However, we did not have proper locks on the windows. 

The police said that they would make a report for insurance purposes but also emphasized the possibility that we may have given the key to a boyfriend.....who may have made a copy of it......and who may have some friends.......and you get the picture........


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

*This is the W calling from home a few times. Then W called once from her cell phone. The OP is to ashame to take the call. OP knew what she was doing was wrong . She just did not give a s..t. It is one thing to be cheated on. But for it to be a friend, OP that is nasty. *


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Just looking at various ways that the police might blow off the accusation.
> 
> I remember living on the ground floor of an apartment, I and my roomate were missing some items out of several rooms. However, we did not have proper locks on the windows.
> 
> The police said that they would make a report for insurance purposes but also emphasized the possibility that we may have given the key to a boyfriend.....who may have made a copy of it......and who may have some friends.......and you get the picture........


Exactly. 

That is my point, too. 

The police and the courts need evidence and solid proof that the wife was calling in order to even consider a harrassment charge. 

Also, even if the wife did speak a few times, it does not constitute harassment and that still does not prove that all the other calls from that number were PHYSICALLY MADE BY THE WIFE. 

Those are just the facts.

If you say to a cop, I doubt it's pocket dialing or the son, or the cheating spouse, the cop will just laugh and tell you he needs proof.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> Exactly.
> 
> That is my point, too.
> 
> ...


I also feel that if you fool around with a married person, well, you've just opened yourself up to contact from the spouse. 

I realise in this case, the OW has ceased contact with the married man. But just in general.......


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Oh, drop the police filing nonsense already! She isn't threatening you. She is not harassing you. She hasnt even left a message. She wants to talk to you about what happened. Maybe she doesn't know the whole truth. Maybe she wants to verify. Maybe she wants to tell you off. Quit being a coward and talk to her. It will do you good, too.

Your feelings of guilt make you want to just walk away from this and shut the door. You're tight to quit making a mess (leave the affair), but now you've gotta clean up the mess you made, at least a little.

You are not a victim here. So, quit seeing yourself as one. If you accept responsibility for your actions and just apologize and talk to this woman, you will be moving toward greater maturity and better life choices. Continue to evade it and you're burying your head in the sand and encouraging your mind to think that cheating the system and hiding to avoid blame is a good idea. You'll just grow weaker as a person.

Not trying to be mean. You need a wake up call though. You don't truly believe that filing against her at this point would be sensible, just are wanting to evade her; I'm just being honest based on what I see, and blunt.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

You might actually learn something about your cheating Affair partner. Imagine what he might have said about you to his wife. At least when you ever get married, you will have some idea as to how wayward spouses can treat their loyal partners.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> I also feel that if you fool around with a married person, well, you've just opened yourself up to contact from the spouse.
> 
> I realise in this case, the OW has ceased contact with the married man. But just in general.......


I agree. And let's not forget that this OW, went to dinner at the wife's house. 

What was that all about?

One need not be a brain surgeon to realize how wrong that is and how painful it would be to later find out about for the wife. 

Were both the OW, and the cheating spouse sitting their getting some type of charge out of the fact that they were banging each other and the wife didn't know?

I mean the wife cooked dinner for them both.

Geesh!

I lurk on OW message boards. 

Some have mentioned the thrill they get from socializing with the spouse of the man they cheat with.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OP--I hope some posters did not scare you away and you come back to post.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Yeah, I soft pedaled things this time around because I needed to know where I stood with my (future) fiancé and how this so called "friend" was going to fit into his life if he wanted me there.

But once we get married --and this is why marriage is so important to me-- it will really be open season if I see inappropriate behavior going on with some woman towards my husband. 

Prospective Ows, please be advised........


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> OP--I hope some posters did not scare you away.


Jellybeans. 

This women is asking for advice. She is getting good advice.

This women, let's remember, is talking about inflicting additional emotional harm on the loyal spouse for no just cause. 

Her continued harm can be construed in a U.S. civil court as infliction of emotional distress. 

No actual harrassment based on any U.S. law has yet taken place that can be proved agains the loyal wife.

However, a fairly good case could be made for this OW attempting to inflict additional emotional distress on the loyal wife.

Not to mention that many U.S. states have alienation of affection rulings.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I heard in some of the US southern states that estranged married women can still sue the OW for whatever the legal term is. after all, if a woman has chosen to be a SAHW/M, then the OW could be taking away her livelihood.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> Jellybeans.
> 
> This women is asking for advice. She is getting good advice.
> 
> ...



I am fully aware of what the original post was about & don't need a break down of everything. I can read.  I simply stated I hope she came back to post. 

Cause I do.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I am fully aware of all of that., including what the intial post was about. I can read.  However I stated I hope she came back to post.
> 
> Cause I do.


Got that, and i apologize if I seemed harsh. 

I hope she comes back, too. 

She actually can cause a lot of trouble for herself.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> I heard in some of the US southern states that estranged married women can still sue the OW for whatever the legal term is. after all, if a woman has chosen to be a SAHW/M, then the OW could be taking away her livelihood.


Yes. There was a case in either north or south carolina in which a loyal spouse won a 1 million dollar alienation of affection suit against the OW. 

Sweet!

In almost all states an alienation of affection suit can be filed in a civil court, but the chances of winning may be slimmer. 

Still some loyal spouses file them simply to make things inconvenient for the OW or OM and to inflict a bit of financial harm, via legal bills, to balance out the emotional devastation they have suffered.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

JMO she is not gone maybe at work or just reading .


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## Regretful567 (Oct 11, 2012)

I have really missed every call from her because I have my phone of at work. I am not intentionally avoiding her or hiding. I don't want to return her call if she is not in a situation to talk to me about what she wants to say. I have clearly stated i feel she has the right to say what ever she wants to say. I also don't want her to feel more pain and relive what she is going through - I.e. I don't want to make the situation worse. I do not believe I am a victim or that I am not responsible for my actions. 

No one is calling the police or filing lawsuits. I have no intention of doing so and I don't believe she would. 

I posted this because I wanted to understand if it would help her to move on to talk with me or cause her more pain. I posted because I was wondering if there was a response I could give her that would not cause more pain. I also don't know if I should give her details of that is what she wants, because it just seems like giving her more pain. I am sorry and have always wanted to tell her that, but it seems trite and I would not want to make her more upset than she already is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Regretful567 said:


> I have really missed every call from her because I have my phone of at work. I am not intentionally avoiding her or hiding. I don't want to return her call if she is not in a situation to talk to me about what she wants to say. I have clearly stated i feel she has the right to say what ever she wants to say. I also don't want her to feel more pain and relive what she is going through - I.e. I don't want to make the situation worse. I do not believe I am a victim or that I am not responsible for my actions.
> 
> No one is calling the police or filing lawsuits. I have no intention of doing so and I don't believe she would.
> 
> ...


Yes, talk to her. 

Yes, give her details if she asked. By all accounts this helps the loyal spouse heal.

Apologize to her. Tell her you realize how wrong it was to pursue the relationship.

Apologize, too, for betraying the friendship. 

It won't cause more pain. It will give her closure and help her heal.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Regretful567 said:


> I posted this because I wanted to understand if it would help her to move on to talk with me or cause her more pain. I posted because I was wondering if there was a response I could give her that would not cause more pain. I also don't know if I should give her details of that is what she wants, because it just seems like giving her more pain. I am sorry and have always wanted to tell her that, but it seems trite and I would not want to make her more upset than she already is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Neither you nor anyone here should make the decision on what will cause her pain and what won't.You need to let her make that choice.She's a big girl, if she's asking the questions then she wants the real answers with no sugar coated topping on them.
An apology may seem trite to you but it might not be to her.Again,don't make decision for her.Let her decide what she needs when the two of you talk.

Whatever you do,don't use this line on her "i would not want to make her more upset than she already is" THAT sounds trite in my opinion. If you would have been this concerned for her feelings from the start,the affair wouldn't have happened or gone on for so long. 
I recommend not blaming her or her husband when the two of you talk.It doesn't matter that he was your boss.It doesn't matter that he was your father figure.Ultimately,you made the choice to sleep with a married man for 2 years...when you talk with her,own it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Regretful567 said:


> I posted this because I wanted to understand if it would help her to move on to talk with me or cause her more pain. I posted because I was wondering if there was a response I could give her that would not cause more pain. I also don't know if I should give her details of that is what she wants, because it just seems like giving her more pain. I am sorry and have always wanted to tell her that, but it seems trite and I would not want to make her more upset than she already is.


I think it would help her heal if you talked to her. She is going through a trauma right now. She is probably confused and wants some blanks filled in, of which you can help her with. Just listen to her and answer her honestly. Apologize. Be honest. Lies are what got you into this mess. So be honest. I am sure it will help BOTH of you.

Don't blame her at all. Listen to her. Answer any questions she has. Own what you did and apologize. It's the least you can do.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> Yes, talk to her.
> 
> Yes, give her details if she asked. By all accounts this helps the loyal spouse heal.
> 
> ...



I agree. Talk to her. Answer any questions she has honestly. If some might be too painful for her, ask her first how much details she wants. Let her decide what she can handle and how much info she wants.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

I would really like to know that the OM in my wife's affair feels regret for what he has done. That would be the most important thing that he could give me. But since my wife doesn't regret it, there isn't much point in it, they can have each other.

If you are truly remorseful I think it would help her to at least give her that. I don't think details should come from you, but remorse would be a productive thing to share.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

*Just take the womans phone call . You don't know what she may say to you. At this point all you can do is tell her you are sorry. IMHO this will help you move on . Also you can ask her to not call you again. That way she will know you are moving on with your life. Next time a married man wants you , tell him to show you to a single one. It is less trouble to deal with .*


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Regretful567 said:


> It has been three months since I last had contact with her husband and it was to confirm we are over and done. He has not contacted me in any way. I have no intention of ever making contact with him again. Ever.
> 
> I regret my actions, and will live with my guilt for the rest of my life. I had known this man because he was my direct boss, and a father figure to me, and a person i had been able to trust for six years. He initiated our affair and I unfortunately chose the wrong path. I knew his wife well and his family, I spent many Christmases with them. His wife was either really naive or she was overlooking our affair. The affair went on daily for two years.
> 
> ...


Chances are, he is cheating on her with someone else now. You could definitely contact her and just copy and paste this post, more or less. Suggest to her that she hire a PI to find out what he is doing that is disturbing her, that it is not you. I think you can afford to extend some empathy to her even though the phone calls are troubling to you. The first time you find your H cheating, you want to blame the OW, maybe she has some emotional hurdle realizing her H may still have the behavior pattern even though you are out of the picture. Ignoring this will not make the problem go away, it really does sound like she might be in some distress. And yes, could use some more information and if you don't offer it to her, who will, maybe her H is not forthcoming. History aside, this is a time when a bond between women could be useful and appreciated, maybe for both of you, who knows.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Is she still with her H or are they going through a seperation?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

mrstj4sho88 said:


> *
> No W called from home a few times. *


Or it could be the husband?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Or it could be the husband?


i was wondering that too til i saw some calls came from the wife's cell.

it'd be disgusting if the husband was trying to call her.what a jerk.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> i was wondering that too til i saw some calls came from the wife's cell.
> 
> it'd be disgusting if the husband was trying to call her.what a jerk.


I could make a call on my wife's mobile phone. And only when I spoke, *if* I spoke, would anyone know it wasn't my wife making the call.

It might be the AP trying to mess with the mind of the OP. Perhaps he thinks if he makes her think his wife is calling her, she'll call him and he can then get his claws back in her?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I could make a call on my wife's mobile phone. And only when I spoke, *if* I spoke, would anyone know it wasn't my wife making the call.
> 
> It might be the AP trying to mess with the mind of the OP. Perhaps he thinks if he makes her think his wife is calling her, she'll call him and he can then get his claws back in her?


it's a possibility.absolutely.i'd hate to think anyone is that sick though

he'd be taking a huge risk using his wife's phone to call.if wife doesn't know about affair or even if she does...if OP called that cell number back and got the wife on the line,hubby would have some explaining to do big time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> it's a possibility.absolutely.i'd hate to think anyone is that sick though
> 
> he'd be taking a huge risk using his wife's phone to call.if wife doesn't know about affair or even if she does...if OP called that cell number back and got the wife on the line,hubby would have some explaining to do big time.


Maybe his wife left him?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Maybe his wife left him?


also a very real possibility.if she did,I hope OP has enough sense to stay far away from him regardless of his relationship status.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

*The only way to know if it is the wife is to answer the phone call. The OP stated both H and her ended the A. If this is true , husband would have no need to call her. The OP needs to take the call . If it is the Husband ,OP hangs up and gets her number changed. *


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Hi regretful.
I think you should accept to talk with her, since you stated that she's mentally stable. I'm sure it wouldn't be easy, since she won't be calling to congratulate her.

It's not that you owe it to her, but I think taht you owe it to your future self. You shouldn't accept insults if it's the case, but I believe you should contribute to ending her suffer.
If you're uncomfortable talking to her, which is understandable. You still can communicate by email exchanges.
My guess is that she's not believing some stuff he said and she wants to be sure. It may be a great way to ease your conscience.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> You still can communicate by email exchanges.


email is actually a great idea in my opinion.it doesn't replace traditional telephone conversation but it might be a good starting point.it might help you open the doors of communication without jumping in head first.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

* I disagree because OP and W were friends. OP don't email a woman that once thought of you as an extended family member. It would be different if OP had not been all up in the family house eatting. This W looked as OP like a daughter. JMO W is calling you to talk. Sometimes emails can be confusing to the reader.*

*If OP was a stranger I would agree on the email. But OP was friends with the family*.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Think of it this way:

Many victims of crimes go to prisons to speak with the people who did something horrible to them to get answers and/or as a form of closure. Many of these prisoners are remorseful (like you) & even though it is hard on everyone, some of the prisoners have compassion & will meet with the victims.

So yes, please speak with her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Great analogy, Emerald. Never thoght of it that way but it makes total sense.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You're not evil. You just made some poor choices. Now fix what you can (undo some of the deception) and you get some integrity points on the positive side instead of the negative.



Regretful567 said:


> I have really missed every call from her because I have my phone of at work. I am not intentionally avoiding her or hiding. I don't want to return her call if she is not in a situation to talk to me about what she wants to say.


Good. Now, be brave and call her. If she doesn't answer, leave a message: "I missed your calls because I've been busy with other things, but I think we probably do need to talk; call or text me and let me know what's convenient for you." Simple. If she is busy, she won't take your call and you'll have done your job by leaving a message. If she's not, then you'll get a chance to deal with the problem. If you leave a message and she calls you back, make time to answer it. Or, better yet, meet her in a very public place so that you can discuss the situation face to face and let her have closure and get yourself some, too.




Regretful567 said:


> I posted this because I wanted to understand if it would help her to move on to talk with me or cause her more pain.


Yes. It would. And, no, you're not being benevolent or generous in meeting with her, just doing the thing you should be doing as a decent human being. 

It will help her to ask the questions she needs to ask and get honest answers. It will help her to hear the truth from your side. It will cause her pain, but, you've already done that and this is just a drop in the bucket and it might be the kind of pain that might help. 

It will also help YOU to put this behind you because you will know you've done whatever you could to make this right (ditching the cheating husband, apologizing to the wife). You can't fully see what you've done until you see the collateral damage your actions have caused. Once you do, it might help you understand why you were so vulnerable to this, why you were so selfish at the expense of someone you know, and why you didn't see that it was such a betrayal. YOU will be able to move on and put it behind you once you confront this, too. I'm sure you're reluctant to see the damage you helped cause, but how can you move on truly without it?



Regretful567 said:


> I posted because I was wondering if there was a response I could give her that would not cause more pain. I also don't know if I should give her details of that is what she wants, because it just seems like giving her more pain. I am sorry and have always wanted to tell her that, but it seems trite and I would not want to make her more upset than she already is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There's no magic phrase that will remove the painfulness of the conversation. The best choice in terms of what to say is the truth. Be honest. Be direct. Don't sugar-coat it. And, be humble and sincerely apologetic.

It is never trite to apologize for hurting someone. You may not be able to undo the damage, but expressing regret validates her feelings. Your affair partner has probably been gas-lighting her for two years and she is probably very confused about what's real and what's not with regard to his behavior; there's no other way he'd have gotten away with flaunting his affair partner in his home all the time other than by seriously messing with her head. By withholding your side of things, you are simply contributing to her pain. 

Yes, give her all the details she wants -- just don't gloat about them. Tell her the truth. She deserves to know who she is married to and you are doing her NO favors by hiding his actions from her. 

Yes, it will hurt her to hear it. But, obsessing over what the truth is hurts so so so so much more. I can't stress that enough. Trust me, what she imagines is worse. Not knowing the truth is eating her alive. What she doesn't know haunts her. You've sent these demons after her and you can help her put them to rest. It won't undo what happened, won't absolve you, won't erase it, but...you will no longer be complicit in causing her suffering because you will have told her the truth, recognized that she is not some fragile fool who can't handle the truth, and stopped aiding her lying husband's gas-lighting campaign. 

Hiding and covering up and evading is a cheater's tool, a coward's path, and only by acting differently from what you've done to inflict pain can you hope to alleviate any; so, do the opposite, come clean. It's not the cheating but the lies that hurt the most. You pretended to be her friend in order to have an affair with her husband; he's a snake; you can do a genuinely friendly thing now and tell her the truth. She's in pain. It's your fault (partly). Don't run away from that. Apologize.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

By the way, OP. I'm glad you came back to your thread. It shows a willingness to confront your actions, at least to this extent. That is good.


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## Regretful567 (Oct 11, 2012)

Thank you users who provided me the thoughtful, constructive responses (rather than a virtual stoning by anonymous Internet users).

I will text her to let me know a time to talk if she still would like to speak to me and I will make myself available for the call. 

No other responses to this post are necessary as I will not be checking it.


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## BrokenVows (Oct 12, 2012)

Answer her calls or call her back. You OWE her at least that. You ruined her life and she DESERVES to be heard. I'm speaking from experience, I've tried to contact the OW and she won't reply...add insult to injury.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Regretful567 said:


> No other responses to this post are necessary as I will not be checking it.


I call Bullsh!t 100%


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

*I hope everything went ok *


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Shaunee said:


> I was in a similar situation. The OW for 6 months then my partner and i started dating. I felt a lot of guilt and allowed the ex to contact me to vent and question...this went on for months but ive now changed my number so that she cant contact me *as its had a huge impact on my relationship with him. *She wasnt getting any answers from my partner so she resorted to getting them from me. Im an honest person but my partner isnt, he found it difficult to accept and hear the truth etc so i did that for her. Just tell her the honest truth, apologize and be sincere in doing so. It will help you move on too.


Are you still with him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

fortheloveofit2 said:


> You have her cell number. *Text her. Tell her, she shares her husband. If not with you with the next woman he WILL be cheating with*. Thus is life...
> 
> Text her, and stop feeling guilty. Watch a movie and get over it.


Wow.. Why would you suggest that she text something so hurtful to someone that she has already hurt beyond words?:scratchhead:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Regretful567 said:


> I have really missed every call from her because I have my phone of at work. I am not intentionally avoiding her or hiding. I don't want to return her call if she is not in a situation to talk to me about what she wants to say. I have clearly stated i feel she has the right to say what ever she wants to say. I also don't want her to feel more pain and relive what she is going through - I.e. I don't want to make the situation worse. I do not believe I am a victim or that I am not responsible for my actions.
> 
> No one is calling the police or filing lawsuits. I have no intention of doing so and I don't believe she would.
> 
> ...


Send her a text saying that you were not at home when she called. That you keep your cell off at work. Tell her that if she calls you between x:00 and y:00 in the evening you will talk to her.

This sets up a phone appointment. Being a bit paranoid here, be careful about telling her when you will be when. Like don't be at home during the phone appointment... this just in case she has some violent motives.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Regretful567 said:


> Thank you users who provided me the thoughtful, constructive responses (rather than a virtual stoning by anonymous Internet users).
> 
> I will text her to let me know a time to talk if she still would like to speak to me and I will make myself available for the call.
> 
> No other responses to this post are necessary as I will not be checking it.


You are not going to let us know what the outcome is?


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