# Marriage Was a Huge Mistake—But I Cannot Divorce



## chrishansonfan8296 (Mar 21, 2014)

Hello all,
This is my fist post. My story is long and very complicated. Please excuse its length, I will do my best to be brief.
I met my current wife in 2011 when I was studying the Urdu language in Lucknow with the US government (I had been on the same program a year earlier in Oman, studying Arabic). I had gotten very interested in India and Indian culture when I was in Oman due to my contacts with Indian immigrants there. Although I did not like to it admit it at the time I am highly attracted to women with dark skin, dark hair, and more “Eastern” features. Indian women absolutely drive me crazy (I am a white American mutt—I look mostly Greek thanks to my mother). 
We met while we were out walking in a park one day. She fell in love with my instantly, but my feelings took longer to develop for her. I told her that I loved her in the same park we met (how young and stupid I was!). She said she felt the same way, but she wanted me to convert to her religion, Islam. I told her this was not possible, so we could not be together. But we continued to meet and talk. Eventually I told her that it could not work, I got up, got in a rickshaw, and left. She called me half-way home and begged me to come to see her. We went to the Catholic church in Lucknow and we prayed together. She begged me to stay with her, to at least keep talking to her while I was in Lucknow. In the first of many mistakes, I accepted. The program ended in August and I returned to the States.
Her parents were looking to get her married, something she did not want (she’s very independent and wants her own life and career) so she told me I would have to ask her parents for permission to marry her. I was only 23 (she’s two years old than I, 27 now) and a penniless, indebted student about to graduate with a liberal arts degree that would not get me a job. I did not want to do it, but (another mistake!) there seemed no other way. I ask her parents for marriage Thanksgiving weekend 2011. She was ecstatic, but I was ambivalent. I chalked it up to cultural differences. 
I graduated that year penniless and in debt. I moved back in with my parents and went to work at a restaurant. I saved everything I could to go back to India that summer, to get engaged to her (we would need proof of our engagement for her visa—more on that later). I went back in May and June. In one of the most painful experiences of my life, I abandoned my Catholic faith and pretended to be a Muslim. We also had oral sex, something I had sworn I would wait till marriage for. I felt like I had completely gone beyond my moral boundaries. When I came back I went to confession and did my penance, but I felt far from God. I stopped going to church and praying on a regular basis (a process that had started more than a year earlier when I told her I would lie about my religion to her parents). 
I eventually managed to land a good IT job here in Virginia. I moved up to DC with my uncle who lives there, and started working. Since fiancé visas are rejected more often than marriage visas, and since at the time fiancé visas were taking almost 1 and ½ years to process, we decided to get married first so I could apply for her marriage visa (more later). We got married in August of last year—it took me two months total to actually get the marriage registered in the court there, the official took a disliking to us and made things very difficult—if only he could have been more obstinate). I almost lost my job, but I came back and applied for her visa to come here. For those of you who don’t know, it’s a difficult, long process that takes well over a year (nothing like an “instant green card”—even if you have been married for years and have kids!). The separation has been hard on both of us and I don’t want to explain why it takes so long (or how there is no other way to come here if you’re married). Please see this NYT article for more info on what applying for a spouse visa is like: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/09/u...grants-extends-visa-wait-for-others.html?_r=0
I applied in November, 1 month after getting back (the total application was several hundred pages long, including all of the evidence etc.). I knew the wait would be long and we’ve been long distance for almost 3 years now but it really got to me this time. That same month I moved out of my uncle’s house in Chevy Chase and moved to Virginia, closer to work and to have my own address for the visa application. The loneliness really got to me. 
In February, when the new numbers for spouse applications at USCIS came out, I saw how slowly they were going and had a nervous breakdown. I thought very seriously about suicide. I am just now starting to come out of the depression. I told my wife during this time that I was thinking about divorce. She had a high blood pressure attack and had to go to the hospital. She said she would kill herself. I relented and told her I did not in fact want this. I have told myself over and over again how much I love her, I have tried to fight myself.
But increasingly it seems like a losing battle. Several people mentioned to me before we got married that she’s not that pretty. I am crazy about Indian women, but several of the most prominent features in most stereotypical Indian beauties, such as long, slender noses and big almond shaped eyes, are missing in her. Even she has admitted this much, and before I proposed to her she often said she did not think she was pretty. I am highly attracted to large hips and big bottoms in women, but she definitely does not have this. Altogether her appearance does bother me. I remember, she told me that when she gets lonely she compares me to other men and always comes to the conclusion that she has the best man of all. When I do this, I regret marrying her. I have tried to convince myself that looks are not important because she loves me and is a good mate. But I am finding this argument less and less convincing. The huge lie we told to her family also bothers me. When they find out, they will cut us off from them. I think about the fact that my children with her will not be cut off from a part of their family. I fantasize often about being with a woman whose family accepts me for who I am. 
I told myself, and still do, that valuing such things in a life partner is stupid, she’ll grow old no matter who she is and in the end we’ll all be wrinkled and ugly. But I can’t deny the truth any longer, I want these things in my wife, I want them so badly. I have guilted myself, I have told myself that I am a terrible, shallow person, I have tried to fight it so hard. I have prayed to God to return the love I had for her to my heart. But it’s all for not. I am not very attracted to her and I want to be attracted to my mate. I wish I had never married her. 
But marriage is not a game in India, as she reminded me. She would be a pariah in her social circles as a divorcee. She loves me so much, just talking about this subject made her blood pressure spike so much she had to go to the hospital. I married her, perhaps, out of pity (I tried two other times to leave her and failed—she claims she told me she wanted to end it to, 2 times, but each time she did this she told me she hated herself and I was the only good thing in her life and her whole life would be so miserable without me). Now perhaps I am staying with her for it too. Also I am a Catholic, and I believe in the words of Jesus: “He who divorces his wife and marries commits adultery against the 1st wife.” Although I could theoretically try to get the marriage dissolved through the Petrine privilege, since she is not a baptized Christian, in reality another marriage will probably be never accepted in the eyes of the Church. If I divorce her and find another I will be living in sin for the rest of my life. And I will also have to live with the fact that I divorced her and left her alone in India (the assumption is that I took her virginity, although this is not true, I was not her first, but her family thinks so). Her life would be ruined, and I would be guilty. 
My latest decision, what I think I will stick with, is that I will not divorce her but I will not give her my love either. I will take care of her and provide for her needs and bring her to the Staes, but I will not have sex or any physical relations with her. If she wants a divorce because of this, that’s her business. When she talks about how she feels for me she uses the Hindi word (we talk in Hindi) ghamanD घमंड, it means a pride that takes pleasure in seeing that what you have is better than what others have. I feel like I am her trophy husband, she proves to the world through me that she’s worthy. She always did have very low self-esteem despite how very smart she is. I do not feel that I can leave her but I am not her slave. My body is still my body and she cannot claim it. I’ve read enough feminist theory to know that, she may have trapped me in marriage but she cannot take my body by force if I do not want to give it. That’s my right. I don’t know what else to do. I feel so trapped. I also feel stupid. My whole family and some others warned me not to do this. I feel like a terrible person. I want to divorce her because I want a big @$$? Really? But I have fought so long against myself, I don’t want to fight anymore. Am I insane? Am I a terrible person? Surely a good husband I am not. God forgive me.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

She didn't trap you in marriage. Sounds to me like she's upheld her end of the bargain. YOU'RE the one planning on bringing her stateside, cutting off all affection and passively aggressively trying to force her into divorcing YOU just to spare yourself a guilt trip.

Man up. You have two honorable options:

1. Get some counseling, learn to love her again and enjoy your life together.

2. Be honest with her and divorce her. Yeah, i know it's not socially acceptable in India. Yeah, I know you won't be able to remarry in the Catholic church.

Your plan to bring her over here, deprive her of love, and keep her leashed to you in an affectionless marriage is what I would consider "trapping".


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Okay...dude. Take a deep breath.

Now take another.

Here is where we are: You met a girl...and despite a lot of hesitations and second guessing her motivations and the varying prices you will pay to do so, YOU MARRIED HER ANYWAY.

You are not the first. You are not the first 500th. You are not the first 5 MILLIONTH guy this has happened to.

But you are putting your lack of courage off on her. Now that the initial glow of lust is gone, you are having buyers remorse.

You are not the first 5 BILLIONTH man to have that at some point in time either (or woman for that matter)

I personally have some direct experience with EXACTLY what is happening to you, so if you'd like to dismiss me as a crank who doesn't know what he is talking about, do so...but not with any credibility.

Yes, she pushed your buttons. That is part of the game and you said as much as you saw the button pushing at the time. You ignored this. 

I say this not to hurt you, but to get you to own YOUR share of the crap.

Now, if you want to get all passive aggressive and make her as miserable as you already feel yourself, I can guarantee you will be 100% successful! In fact, I can also guarantee she will very quickly be returning your works back on your threefold! What a merry band of miserable misfits you will be together!

*OR*

How about you try this:

Ignore her motives. Motives can be conflicted. You just want to see her as someone trying to con you for a meal ticket or freedom or whatever. It might be that AND she felt some affection for you. AND her motives can change. What started as a convenient escape could very well blossom into GENUINE AFFECTION.

Let's look at it from HER end for just a second:

-She gave up her marital future. If she's engaged to a white man, it is VERY unlikely she will get further proposals from men of her own culture.

-She is giving up her religion. You have as much said that Islam is not in the driver seat and you aren't abiding by this. She STILL accepted you.

-She is willing to face public ridicule and shame. Throwing her over in divorce would have SHATTERED her prospects...and yet...she took that chance for 'you' (in some meaningful measure of the term)

Now, let me throw in a compliment. You realized that divorcing her would absolutely KILL this woman culturally, religiously and socially. *Good for you in recognizing this and doing the noble thing of NOT going down that road!* This was a manly act! 

-She sucked you off. You KNOW this is not the act of a 'good daughter of Islam'. Now, you can characterize this as 'she was just trying to con me with sex' OR you can look at is as her stating 'I am willing to do this for you to show that I am VERY SERIOUS about this relationship, going so far as to ignore MY religious and moral doctrines'. That particular cue can go both ways.

True Story: American soldiers in England in WWII thought British women were easy. They would kiss them and the women would quickly thereafter give it up.

British women thought American men were VERY pushy. They considered kissing the LAST step before intercourse, not the first step in dating as the GI's did. Cultural differences are dicey.

-She is willing to give up her family and homeland for you. Imagine NEVER eating another good burger for the rest of your life. Yeah...like that.

So...let us acknowledge that she had FAR more to lose than you did...and still does. And yet she is still there.

Do you think she hasn't regretted being with your wonderful self? She had a full bore panic attack over this! SO DID YOU!

Is this how you want to spend the rest of your married eternity? (it will certainly FEEL like an eternity)

Here is a different course.

Have a conversation with her. Tell her you are in this for the long haul. Tell her you have had HUGE misgivings, but you want to make this marriage work and make BOTH of you happy. Tell her that you need to communicate honestly. 

DON'T tell her you only see her as a gold digging tramp. True or not, that will make wounds you will never recover from.

So, mollify HER fears. Do things which will make HER happy...and see if she reciprocates.

Have long honest conversations about what you expect from married life (Indian culture sometimes thinks sex dries up distressingly early in a marriage. Mention this isn't American doctrine)

What am I asking from you? *GIVE HER A CHANCE!*

And give yourself one! Just because this started OUT crappy doesn't mean you can't make it work. DOZENS of marriages in early America were started with some woman getting a few letters and a photo and going off to a strange country, marrying a man sight unseen.

They got it to work. You have far more benefits than they did.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Fozzy and JCD you bring honor to all the men of TAM with your replies.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

As someone who married an Asian beauty 30 years ago, let me remind you that some of the things you would like are fixable (rhinoplasty fixes noses fairly well and is not that expensive, and fixing almond eyes is even easier. Fixing the, ehem, tail end of the problem is not that difficult either but in general the body shape of women in that region is not what you're looking for. Also, the argument about them getting old and wrinkly etc is true, but a lot slower than many other races, if they eat properly and exercise. 

Not being an overly moral person I can't provide any suggestions on that aspect, but consider the legal aspects of whatever you do. If you file a petition for marriage, you better have a real marriage otherwise the marriage visa interview could be a long one.

I suggest you get some counseling and start looking at things in a more positive tone. An intercultural marriage is a lot of work, and starting on a negative note won't do either of you any good. Our marriage has not been peachy, the last few years at least, but overall I think we did OK.

I know it looks like a million years forward from your standpoint, but effort does help bridge some of the cultural gap. And people learn. I have a few friends married to Asian partners and it's not easy - not by a mile - but it's fun.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Fozzy and JCD you bring honor to all the men of TAM with your replies.


I like to be totally wrong only half the time


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> She didn't trap you in marriage. Sounds to me like she's upheld her end of the bargain. YOU'RE the one planning on bringing her stateside, cutting off all affection and passively aggressively trying to force her into divorcing YOU just to spare yourself a guilt trip.
> 
> Man up. You have two honorable options:
> 
> ...



This isn't a problem just get it annulled. Seen several Catholics do it and never a once were they told no. Problem solved


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> This isn't a problem just get it annulled. Seen several Catholics do it and never a once were they told no. Problem solved


For him.

Not for her. In some sections of Islam, they KILL women who marry non Islamic foreigners.

And if he uses the Catholic Church for an annulment, he is essentially screaming that he is an apostate from Islam (another killing offense).

I doubt this is the case in Indian Islam...but it happens.


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## chrishansonfan8296 (Mar 21, 2014)

Thanks for the responses guys. A lot of them really helped me. The same day I wrote this I basically told all of this to my wife. I also told her how much I hated myself for thinking all this and how much I wanted to die. She cried a lot and so did I. Somehow we ended up at the conclusion that I was just under a lot of stress and we should stay together. Now, once again, I am having second thoughts. How can I stop this roller coaster of changing my mind over and over again? I hate myself so much right now


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

chrishansonfan8296 said:


> Thanks for the responses guys. A lot of them really helped me. The same day I wrote this I basically told all of this to my wife. I also told her how much I hated myself for thinking all this and how much I wanted to die. She cried a lot and so did I. Somehow we ended up at the conclusion that I was just under a lot of stress and we should stay together. Now, once again, I am having second thoughts. How can I stop this roller coaster of changing my mind over and over again? I hate myself so much right now


Have you tried individual counseling?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Part of the problem is you're sort of a man child.

Not trying to be rude but the evidence is there. You moved back in with mommy and Daddy after school instead of toughing it out, you desperately want to be "accepted" by her parents and family. You didn't have the balls to tell her that you didn't really love her before you got married. You abandoned your religion to take up one you don't believe.

You are far too old to be making these decisions. Don't be a man who never makes a tough choice because you want to avoid conflict. That's exactly what you've done in this situation and all it has done is created a huge mess. Start fixing things by being true to your feelings. It will hurt her immensely but it's too late for that now. Make the call.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

chrishansonfan8296 said:


> Thanks for the responses guys. A lot of them really helped me. The same day I wrote this I basically told all of this to my wife. I also told her how much I hated myself for thinking all this and how much I wanted to die. She cried a lot and so did I. Somehow we ended up at the conclusion that I was just under a lot of stress and we should stay together. Now, once again, I am having second thoughts. How can I stop this roller coaster of changing my mind over and over again? I hate myself so much right now


Okay. Some psychological issues are biochemically based. So there might be nothing you are doing wrong. You might have some screwed up chemistry.

See a doctor. Discuss your depression. You can't fix a low serotonin level or some of the other chemistry in your body.

And if it is not biochemical, you need a few tools to deal with how you feel. Most psychological counseling only takes 10 sessions or so to change your life.

Consider it an investment which will give you a happier, or at least more effective outlook.

It's like I told my wife once: for years we tried nothing to fix our marriage and that still isn't working. How about we try something else?

We did. It worked. You try it too.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cliff's notes?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

All the religious stuff aside....you seem very confused/immature.

You were no where CLOSE to getting married (and are not now either).

It sounds like you still have a LOT of growing up to do.

The best advice I can give you. Remember this thinking order.

Think with your HEAD first, Heart second and penis last (I would say don't EVER think with your penis).

This is a mistake that most man make on regular basis.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

Trust me God doesn't give a **** about what any of us do.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

DarkHoly said:


> Trust me God doesn't give a **** about what any of us do.


I LOL'd! :lol:


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

DarkHoly said:


> Trust me God doesn't give a **** about what any of us do.


I like this too, but rather then count on somebody else s trust I let the genius do the work for me.

George Carlin on Religion and God - YouTube


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## StayInIt (Jul 27, 2012)

So.....what in the hell is wrong with either being attracted to dark eyed/haired women or admitting it? Did you marry her even though you thought less of her for her darker than you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

I have had many of the same experiences as you in that I am married to a latina from Southern Brazil. Love is an action, not a feeling ...we choose who we love. (note that I didn't say we choose who we are attracted to, that is a different matter entirely)

Here is what I see ...
Your wife insisted you compromise one element of your basic integrity and you went along with it. This is causing resentment, and I think you need to fix this (come clean?). This might cause your wife's family to disown you as a couple. The alternative is you cannot love, honor and respect someone that asks you to sacrifice your integrity for their own purpose. Sometimes traditional families force us to make a choice: your partner or your family. Your wife wants both, and who can blame her. The price is just too high, and you need to be honest with her about that. Kindest regards-


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, I think you allowed yourself to be guilted into another decision that you truly didn't want, so now that the pressure eases off, you're regretting it again. Expect this cycle to repeat until you finally go with your true feelings. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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