# Am I correct in my actions?



## thissucks (Oct 13, 2009)

Thank you for this site it has help me greatly understand the dynamics involved in affairs and marriage. I thought it had saved my marriage and I had not even joined, but now things have changed.

Some background:

I uncovered my wifes pa in mid August during a computer upgrade. I had no clue. She had been having multiple cyber affairs on multiple sites, and finally hooked up with someone. She claims it was only one person and one time. She said It was so horrible emotionally she could never do it again. I was ready to leave.

So I got on the Internet and discovered that some of this was my fault. We had been distant and it is easy to say I was a neglectful husband. We weren't fighting, we were just existing together. I started to understand the how and why. We started MC.

The last two months have been great. We are talking, affectionate, having incredible sex. I've wanted her like never before and she has wanted me. She has been remorseful, and open. She has answered all of my questions without an attitude, and I mean all of them. Our marriage had been shaken by this trauma and it was better, I thought we would make it.

Then on this site someone said trust but verify. Today I checked her email and found a chilling ea, not the guy she had the pa with. I think it may also be a pa but I have no proof of that. He lives about 300 miles away, but she makes references to missing him. He also states that he wants their relationship to progress so that she and my children can come live with him.

I'm done, spent, I want a divorce. I can't do this. While I was doing my best, while we were making progress, she was continuing this in secret. Judging by the phone and texting records it did not even slow down. I asked about the cell number once in August and she said she had reconnected with a High School teacher she was fond of. But there are way too many calls and texts to be something like that.

I've already called the attorney to understand how divorce and custody works. I'm confronting her tonight, she is at work now. I'm not angry now I want to be amicable and get through it fast. I don't even hurt as much as the first time, it's kind of like well that's it time to get through the process and start over.

Is it the right move? Can there be anything left? I don't think I want there to be anything left.

Looking for guidance.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Be strong, and follow through with whatever you tell her you are doing.

She did the classic consummate cheater move: act remorseful, indicate turning over a new leaf while upping the cheating in secrecy.

I am sorry. She didn't change her spots.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

Man, I am so sorry for you, double betrayal is the worse. My wife and I have also gotten over an affair she had and like you the relationship has actually been much better. I do have to agree that if I had one idea that she could do it again I would call it quits super-fast so I cannot give you any contrary advice. I have been divorced before and no matter how hurt and angry you are I would try to work it out at the kitchen table vs a court room. A short divorce can add to the healing process. I really wish you the best of luck, my heart goes out to you.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Even if you pursue divorce, you can change your mind. The important part is for her to realize the extent of the damage she's done to the relationship.

Only then do you have anything to work with.

And only then can you decide if you want anything to be left.

Nobody should put up with this kind of sh*t. So being strong is best for you.

And as I always say, YOU don't leave. The cheater leaves.

Remember that. Your home. Your kids. She's gone.


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## thissucks (Oct 13, 2009)

michzz said:


> Be strong, and follow through with whatever you tell her you are doing.
> 
> She did the classic consummate cheater move: act remorseful, indicate turning over a new leaf while upping the cheating in secrecy.
> 
> I am sorry. She didn't change her spots.


I keep seeing the saying once a cheater always a cheater. Does that statement really hold up? 

I have two elementary aged kids, this will devastate them. We'll have to sell the house, might not be able to keep the dog if we are renting, this is such a disaster. 

I guess I want to make sure that I've done everything I can and all hope is gone. That's the way I feel.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I've bet the farm on it not being true.

But your mileage may vary as can anyone else's. 

Some cheaters will always be cheaters. Others will not. The question is, what is yours?


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## thissucks (Oct 13, 2009)

dobo said:


> I've bet the farm on it not being true.
> 
> But your mileage may vary as can anyone else's.
> 
> Some cheaters will always be cheaters. Others will not. The question is, what is yours?


I guess a better question is how do I find out which one she is? She was caught, I was willing, and she continued with someone else. I was ready to trust again but now could I ever?

And thanks everyone for the support and replies. There is such a helpful spirit in this forum that I have experienced in no other forum. It sucks that there is so many of us.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

She's going to have to show her hand. And if you don't trust what you see then you'll have to make the decision.


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## thissucks (Oct 13, 2009)

dobo said:


> She's going to have to show her hand. And if you don't trust what you see then you'll have to make the decision.


Hmm, I don't think I trust myself to see. I can't tell by her actions, she can totally deceive me. Everything I've found out is because she is sloppy covering up the evidence and it was found by accident, and she's getting better at deleting the evidence. What I found today was only there becuase she was in a meeting at work and would not have read it and deleted it yet. Totally a chance occurence becuase I have not been spying. This is the first time I checked her email.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Then put a few dollars to work and keylog her. Let the facts speak for themselves.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Yeah, if you have already tipped your hand, you can't count on her being sloppy again. If you have those kind of doubts, you may need to go the keylogger route. I am not from the mindset of once a cheater always a cheater. A cheater has to WANT to change, and quite often they have to hit their bottom before they will. It does not sound like she has hit her personal bottom OR that she wants to change at this point. I feel for you and your kids.


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## thissucks (Oct 13, 2009)

dobo said:


> Then put a few dollars to work and keylog her. Let the facts speak for themselves.


That's funny. I'm an IT Consultant so I do some of that for clients. I could do it secretly there are programs that the user won't know is running. I already have a hardware appliance on my network that logs every web page that she and my kids visit from any computer they use (I have many). This is how I know she has been off the cyber affairs and she is not visiting those sites. The problem is she has a work computer I have no access to, and an iPhone that I have limited access to. You can get new email addresses so quickly having her password is meaningless, and to top it all off I should not have to do this to my wife. This is not my definition of a happy relationship.

I appreciate your replies you are helping me work through this. It sounds like you worked yours out and that is wonderful. You seem to have an interest in making sure I've tried it all, and I feel that I did once. I don't think there is a twice. It's so awful, I look at my son sitting here playing with his Nintendo and my eyes well up. They are oblivious right now and in the next 48 hours their world will forever change.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

She is a serial cheater. You cannot control her. Dump her and find someone faithful to love.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

I agree with onfor, I also tried just like you. It was not a good outcome, she continued her affair. PM me and I can direct you to some helpfull advice. Oh yea, read my signature.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I feel for you. That stomach turning anxiety is horrible. I too watch my kids and wonder what are their lives going to be like now that the family is broken up. It's a d**n shame that people don't realize how much they hurt everyone just to be selfish. I agree with you, if you have been doing Marriage Counseling and she has been lying through it all, forget it. She obviously has no remorse and will probably do it again. Good luck and keep us posted.


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## thissucks (Oct 13, 2009)

Well we got away from the kids for awhile. I told her I found the latest email and I wanted a divorce. No yelling everything was calm. We talked about the logistics of the divorce. Our financial state does not allow for one of us to leave until the house sells. The savings and the equity will be needed for both of us to start over. I think it went as well as it could have. She wanted to leave for awhile and when she came back her eyes were red and swollen from crying. The weird thing is she never cries in front of me, doesn't really matter.

My emotions are weird, I had this feeling in her presence that I wanted to forgive and save the marriage. I wanted to touch and hug her. I resisted my urges and stayed strong but it was very weird to be feeling that after all this hurt. She has not begged me to stay or anything. I pretty sure that won't happen she is a strong stubborn woman.

My hope now is to do everything in my power to keep it amicable, not provoke her and get it over quick. The one hurdle is selling this house in this terrible market. Once that happens it's all down hill.

I feel a lot better than I thought. No appetite and some nerves but over all a weight has been lifted and an end is in site. Not the end I wanted but an end none the less. I can finally say and feel that I don't care what you did it does not matter.


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Best of luck...I agree with everyone above. I am trying to determine if mine is the same...but a casual cheater when he goes away to work, if someone comes his way. I am with you that once is enough, twice forget it. It is too painful for those of us that value commitment and marriage....not worth it.

I so hear you on the pain of the kids....it is why I am still with mine I think...mine are older now though. Your kids will be OK...children are resilient...just need to protect them from any fighting and all of the drama, let them know you love them and will be there for them, and try your hardest not to cry in front of them. (I was never good at that...but I try)

It will all be better in the long run if she is going to continue this behavior...totally unacceptable.


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Good for you...you did really well to maintain control and look ahead. Keep it as amicable and over as quickly as possible. We are all here to support you.


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## thissucks (Oct 13, 2009)

Rough sleepless night. Now the word addiction has been used. She claims two months ago she cut everything off, everywhere. This one person after a couple of weeks started sending emails, she initially deleted the mails, but eventually started responding again. She claims she has been unable to stop, she can't explain why. There have been phone calls also but no pa.

I'm so confused. My head says stay on course and get the divorce over with. My heart says be sure you have tried everything.

I did not make her get off facebook, change her email or cell number the first time. I thought as far as the email and cell it would not matter she can just give them out again, she has work email also that I can't monitor. Apparently this made it easier for people she cut off to contact her again. Do I do all of this stuff and see if I'm cheated on again? I just don't know this is very hard and confusing.


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## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

Brother, I feel for you.

Unfortunately, there is no template how to proceed as everyone's circumstances are different (often similar, but always different variables which are impossible to convey in a forum setting). But, speaking from experience, it is very, very important to jockey for a position of control in case things go south...have an exit plan in case divorce materializes (you have taken the first steps by contacting a lawyer).

I had always said that if I learned that my wife's EA became a PA, I was gone. She eventually admitted it went physical (claims they only "made out"), but like you, I have kids/house and at the time, my wife was contrite and committed to working on the marriage...all to have her recently try to re-connect with TOM a few weeks ago via text/email...I have since filed for divorce. There is a mandatory cooling down period after filing (months), and as she has now asked me to return to counseling and acting like she wants to salvage the marriage, only time (and her actions) will tell...everday brings me closer to the finality of divorce or a true commitment from my wife.

My wife picked up another phone and setup up new email accounts which she only checks from work. I only know what I know, but it was enough and I am done playing detective when I come home from work.

Take care of yourself - go the gym, run, return to neglected hobbies, spend time with your kids, etc. 

Best of luck, and be strong, very strong.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

It seems that the best solution is to keep things moving forward regarding a divorce and see if it makes any real difference to her. If she's so stubborn (strength in this regard isn't strength in my eyes) she won't and in that case, who wants someone who can't deal with their problems, come clean and make things right? But maybe she'll wake up...


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## thissucks (Oct 13, 2009)

Thanks everyone. I get busy and can't get to the board sometimes and when I do your responses are always helpful and thought provoking.

It's been an interesting day so far. She has told me that she contacted TOM, and told him that this was all just a fantasy for her and she was sorry if it was real to him and to not contact her anymore. She has said the same to me that it was a fantasy for her, and I explained how it is real for me. She enrolled in therapy for herself. She has shut down the email address. She's crying lots and throwing up.

I've been trying to stay on the plan, and letting her know my actions so she does not think I'm doing anything behind her back. We are not telling the kids until Friday so they have the weekend to process. I've called the school so the counsellor which the kids know well because they have had counselling needs in school, and their teachers are prepared. I don't know what will happen with them and I want to be prepared.

After all the hurt I've felt, I feel bad for her right now. She seems to be in lots of pain and it is very confusing for me. If I stay am I now in the detective husband roll? I don't want that.

Has anyone given the spouse a _second_ chance and been successful? I mean the original pa was May, I discovered mid August, we've had a great marriage for two months, but she was still having the hidden ea. She continued while we were rebuilding. It's dumbfounding


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## NoTrust (Oct 9, 2009)

thissucks - 

I feel your pain, i'm in the same situation. it's frustrating to say the least. i have a young daughter and the thought of not seeing her everyday makes me want to cry. 

I'm getting to the point where I resent my wife for what she's done and for the total lack of remorse. she only confesses to the e-mails/phone calls when I have hard evidence which makes me think there's A LOT more that I don't know. 

I wish I had some great advise that i could pass along. All i know is i want my daughter to be happy.

The hardest thing about "second" chances is FORGETTING. It's been 3 years for me and I still think about it EVERYDAY !!!


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Yes, I gave my H a second chance, and we are thriving now. He had to hit his own personal rock bottom, and this time, BOY did he. I don't regret it for a second. He went on meds for depression, which for him, is what triggered his behavior (depression) and he started going to individual therapy, and working on the REAL root of his problems (self esteem, and things he never dealt with from childhood). 
We have a good marriage now. He understands his personal triggers now, as well as the unrealistic expectations he put on me, and then blamed me when I could not live up to them. For him, it was his breakthrough...me finding out. It also made him realize he has the one thing in me that he never thought he would have in his life...REAL love. 
So yes, it can be done. BUT it takes a LOT of work for the offending spouse, and they HAVE to want it, and they have to be willing to confront their own personal demons and deal with them.


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## thissucks (Oct 13, 2009)

NoTrust said:


> thissucks -
> 
> I feel your pain, I'm in the same situation. it's frustrating to say the least. i have a young daughter and the thought of not seeing her everyday makes me want to cry.
> 
> ...


Wow. I don't have resent, but then it has not been 3 years for me it has been 2 months. God I don't want to feel like this 3 years from now. Even then before this last fallout I had good days and bad days. I'm self employed and work alone. It seemed when I was by myself and alone my mind would drift to it and put me in a funk.

My wife has shown remorse and been open, but she did not stop either.

Is your wife continuing the behavior or has it stopped at the second chance?


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## NoTrust (Oct 9, 2009)

Believe me, if it wasn't for my daughter and the house, I would be LONG GONE. I know it sounds strange but I still love my wife. I love being married. I would do anything for her, for our family... 

As far as I know, it has stopped. But am I 100% certain, NO..

I think my resentment is because she hasn't tried to make it better or tried to built up the trust. She was mad at me for checking her e-mails and phone records.. I tried to explain to her that I'm trying to protect my "investment" in OUR life..


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## thissucks (Oct 13, 2009)

NoTrust said:


> Believe me, if it wasn't for my daughter and the house, I would be LONG GONE. I know it sounds strange but I still love my wife. I love being married. I would do anything for her, for our family...
> 
> As far as I know, it has stopped. But am I 100% certain, NO..
> 
> I think my resentment is because she hasn't tried to make it better or tried to built up the trust. She was mad at me for checking her e-mails and phone records.. I tried to explain to her that I'm trying to protect my "investment" in OUR life..


I feel for you. I don't know if I can stay in the marriage just for the kids and the house. The house is an object. The kids I'll get joint custody. For me there would be too much stress in the house that the kids would pick up on. 

One question I asked the MC was, is it your goal to save our marriage at all costs, or is it to heal us even if that means we are not married. She said the goal is to heal us. You have to take care of you, that is what is running through my head. 

But I told her I wanted a divorce just last night so I'm still processing. It's harder today than yesterday, and my main worry is the kids.


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## NoTrust (Oct 9, 2009)

I know it has to be a tough decision for you and i wish you all the best. Sounds like you've been hurt and you deserve better. 

I hope it gets easier for you at some point. Please keep me posted. And good luck !!! 

Take care of those little ones, they provide unconditional love that only a child can give !!!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I think Mommybean's story is worth looking at. Maybe your wife is hitting her personal bottom, seeing what damage she is doing to your family and finally admitting she needs help.

I totally understand your confusion. I don't think I could put myself through the hurt again and be in the position of detective. Once was more than enough.


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