# Custody



## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

My stbx and I were talking about custody and how we would work that out. We are doing 50/50 but the question came up about how we will work out visitations, one week with her, one week with me etc.

She mentioned possibly splitting them up, we have two boys and two girls, so one week she has two and the other week I have two. Then on weekends they would come together with one or the other of us. 

Basically they will live apart as siblings. I don't know to me that seems harsh like splitting them up. I tend to think they need to live together so that she has all four one week and I have all four the next week. 

What are your thoughts on her idea?
By the way my kids are 16, 15, 13 and 11.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Why not ask the kids what they think?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sounds like a bad idea to me. What about at least rotating the schedule, so the same kids aren't always together? Or even more outside the box, the nesting approach, where all the kids stay put, and mom and dad move in and out on their custody weeks. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

I've thought about that too but I don't want them to think they have to make these choices. We would never make that decision without talking to them about it and seeing what they think, I'm just worried about putting decisions like that on their shoulders.

My stbx had the idea. To be honest I would keep the kids full time all together if I could. She mentioned the split as it would make things easier on her.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How about checking out some family counseling? Maybe with just you and your wife first, then with the kids as appropriate?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

PBear said:


> How about checking out some family counseling? Maybe with just you and your wife first, then with the kids as appropriate?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. And, initially, sounds like a bad idea. They need each other probs more than ever. One thing for your W and you to split, but not the kids. IMHO


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

I would think that as long as both you and your STBX keep at the front of your minds “what is best for the kids” then you will work out an agreement. If you are able to do this as a couple or family then great but please do not be afraid to seek help from outside.

With the changes and upheaval that the children already face I would have thought that they might want to be able to gain strength from the four of them being together as much as possible but they are your children and you should know them best.

If you are not sure then why not build some flexibility into your arrangements, agree a trial period and set review date, both be prepared to adjust as things progress. I am sure there will be occasions when temporarily separating along gender lines will be appropriate (all the “girls” going for a spa weekend and maybe a “boy camping weekend”).

As much as possible try and let the kids know that just because “mum & dad” are getting divorced it does not mean that either of you love any of them less.

Good luck and God Bless.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Thank you for the insight. The divorce is one thing, and that's hard enough, but with the kids it's so difficult to figure it all out. What a shame my stbx can't see past her own wants but it is what it is.

I like the idea of being flexible. Perhaps trying different things but always open to adjustment as needed.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

It might sound a bit strange but do try and get a written agreement that both parents (and kids if appropriate) can "sign up to".


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

OP, be aware that I have some friends who similarly proposed splitting the kids up for custody and the judge was dead-set against it. The ages of the children played a significant role int he court's refusal to split u the siblings. He specifically noted that during divorce siblings must be permitted to remain together. At the time of the decision the kids were 11 and 14.
Try to remember that while parents might agree to a particular custody arrangement, the courts are not obligated to sign-off on it.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Great points and I agree. The idea to me is not a wise one. It was presented by my STBX who also said it would make it easier on her. I agree it would make things easier on me too. They sure can be a hand full at times. Having said that I would take all four and raise them alone if it meant I could keep my kids together and I could see them each day.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think maybe it would be better to stick to the schedule with all the kids together, but during the time when the kids are with one person, let the other person take ONE kid at a time to activities, home/out for dinner, shopping, assist kid with social life, etc. That way each kid gets INDIVIDUAL attention they might not otherwise have. It would work both ways. 

Of course this means less alone time for the adults. 
Maybe the mom won't like this, in which case you can offer to have all the kids, all the time, and she can arrange to take them all or in whatever combination and times she can handle, to have her time with them. The kids can also be proactive in calling to ask for time together, or for assistance with getting to from places, etc. The key to this is assuring the other parent that you are not going to ask for support (or reduce it.) Because that, IMO, is the number one reason they will not agree to it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just offer to keep them all.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

What ever agreement you and your STBX come up with, there is one other thing that needs to be addressed and that is that you and your ex have the same rules at both houses. If not you can expect a lot of unwanted problems. Lived that nightmare once and learned a lesson.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

I wouldn't split them.

My ex and I started a week on/week off 5 years ago with D12(now D17). 

Last school year, she ended up with me during the school year and her mother's every other weekend, plus. This is because I'm still in district and her mother had moved 30-45 minutes away and it was a major interference with er school work.

This school year, we've gone to 2 weeks on/2 weeks off. My daughter likes it better. She feel less transient.

In hindsight, a problem I see is that it's been difficult for my teen daughter to find that starter job because of the schedule. She babysits here and there. But even that's a little tricky because people have trouble keeping up with where she'll be and so they tilt to someone not in that spot. McDonald's and the like aren't very keen on working around that sort of schedule either. Which is to be expected.


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