# Couples Quick Assessment Checklist: How Strong is Your Relationship Foundation?



## lisakifttherapy

In my work with couples as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I’ve concluded that there are certain aspects that determine the strength of a couple’s relationship foundation - that is, the relationship’s ability to stand strong in the face of the things that life throws out, be it normal daily frustrations or extremely stressful external events. 

I’ve developed a simple checklist that couples can use quickly to get a rough idea of the strength of their own relationships. It’s not scientifically based but meant to be a simple guideline providing a framework in which to conceptualize your relationship in a new way. It is divided into three sections and ideally is done by both you and your partner. Make a copy and each of you do it separately. This checklist will help to identify areas that might benefit from further exploration. You can discuss your results together afterward. You might find that it brings up some difficult conversations – if you find yourselves stuck, consider finding a couples therapist in your area to help you navigate through. It’s not uncommon for couples to have never discussed some of these issues! 

Read each sentence and either put a checkmark by it if you agree – or put nothing if you don’t. Go with your initial gut reaction – and remember, there are no “right” or “wrong” answers. The more checks you have, the stronger your foundation likely is. 

*Relationship Logistics*

______ We communicate well.
______ We resolve conflict well.
______ We have discussed and are okay with our relationship roles.
______ We have discussed and are okay with our sexual expectations.
______ We have discussed and are okay with our spiritual beliefs.
______ We have discussed and are okay with our financial management.
______ We have discussed and are okay with our personal, couple and family goals.

*Relationship Balance* 

______ We value each others needs for some independence within the relationship.
______ We spend adequate time together, nurturing our relationship.

*Relationship Emotional Safety*

______ We feel heard by each other.
______ We feel understood by each other.
______ We feel validated by each other.
______ We feel empathy from each other.
______ We feel respected by each other.
______ We feel loved by each other.

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a Marriage and Family Therapist providing *Individual and Couples Counseling in San Diego*, California. She has written numerous articles on mental health and relationship topics which can be seen on her popular *Therapy and Counseling Blog* called, *"Notes from a Therapist's Chair."* She is also the creator of two new mental health and relationship resource blogs called, *The Mental Health Place* and *The Healthy Relationships Place*.


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## MrsLV

elationship Logistics

___x___ We communicate well.
___x___ We resolve conflict well.
______ We have discussed and are okay with our relationship roles.
______ We have discussed and are okay with our sexual expectations.
______ We have discussed and are okay with our spiritual beliefs.
______ We have discussed and are okay with our financial management.
__x____ We have discussed and are okay with our personal, couple and family goals.

Relationship Balance

__x____ We value each others needs for some independence within the relationship.
__x____ We spend adequate time together, nurturing our relationship.

Relationship Emotional Safety

__x____ We feel heard by each other.
__x____ We feel understood by each other.
__x____ We feel validated by each other.
______ We feel empathy from each other.
__x____ We feel respected by each other.
__x____ We feel loved by each other.


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## sarahdale24

Great Survey...

Relationship Logistics

____x__ We communicate well.
____x__ We resolve conflict well.
____x__ We have discussed and are okay with our relationship roles.
____x__ We have discussed and are okay with our sexual expectations.
____x__ We have discussed and are okay with our spiritual beliefs.
____x__ We have discussed and are okay with our financial management.
____x__ We have discussed and are okay with our personal, couple and family goals.

Relationship Balance 

____x__ We value each others needs for some independence within the relationship.
____x__ We spend adequate time together, nurturing our relationship.

Relationship Emotional Safety

____x__ We feel heard by each other.
___x___ We feel understood by each other.
___x___ We feel validated by each other.
____x__ We feel empathy from each other.
____x__ We feel respected by each other.
_____x_ We feel loved by each other.



and thats in all honesty


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## draconis

sarahdale24 said:


> Great Survey...
> 
> Relationship Logistics
> 
> ____x__ We communicate well.
> ____x__ We resolve conflict well.
> ____x__ We have discussed and are okay with our relationship roles.
> ____x__ We have discussed and are okay with our sexual expectations.
> ____x__ We have discussed and are okay with our spiritual beliefs.
> ____x__ We have discussed and are okay with our financial management.
> ____x__ We have discussed and are okay with our personal, couple and family goals.
> 
> Relationship Balance
> 
> ____x__ We value each others needs for some independence within the relationship.
> ____x__ We spend adequate time together, nurturing our relationship.
> 
> Relationship Emotional Safety
> 
> ____x__ We feel heard by each other.
> ___x___ We feel understood by each other.
> ___x___ We feel validated by each other.
> ____x__ We feel empathy from each other.
> ____x__ We feel respected by each other.
> _____x_ We feel loved by each other.
> 
> 
> 
> and thats in all honesty


Ditto.

draconis


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## toooldforthis

I checked one out of all those items. I wouldn't bother to show the checklist to my husband for his independent review for checking. It would make him angry to show it to him and ask him to participate.


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## Blanca

toooldforthis said:


> I checked one out of all those items. I wouldn't bother to show the checklist to my husband for his independent review for checking. It would make him angry to show it to him and ask him to participate.


It used to make my H angry when Id do things like that too. After awhile I figured out its because he feels helpless and thought i was doing it just to make him feel bad. He has issues with thinking he's a bad person and it makes him really angry. Not sure if that's the case for you but for me I always issues a disclaimer if im presenting my H with something I dont like about what he's done or is doing. I always tell him im not saying this to make you feel guilty, nor do I think you can actually solve it, but...


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## Michelle S.

This questtionaire is great. I always thinking is great to do together as a couple and learn how to enhance some of the skills listed. Since you stated that your husband used to get angry, does he still do or has he improved this quality? Maybe something that can help is if you intoroduce it as a fun quiz to see how you are doing and that it is not an attack towards him but a way to fine tune your marriage. Everything in life including relationships needs some tuning and TLC from time to time and that is the purpose of these exercises not to pick on each other but to enhance one another. Best of luck to you.


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## nez785

wow... no check marks... guess that says alot...


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## Runs like Dog

Sometimes..often..rarely?


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## SimplyAmorous

I took the test , and check marked every one. 

A couple years ago, I picked up "Relationship Rescue" by Doc Phil for like 10 cents at a garage sale (I am a book hound), brought it home & me & Husband sat on our swing together - going through the 62 questions of the "Relationship Health Profile" . 

The people who had the book before us had a whopping score of 50 ! (written in pen) It is a wonder they didn't burn the book -as it said anything over a score of 32, the relationship was in extreme danger of failing. 

Our score was 2 ! Saying anything below a score of 11 -the relationship is well above the norm & may have isolated areas in which we could improve. 

One of those was only a half truth -even then... "My partner doesn't like to share what is on his mind". at one time that was more true than TODAY. We would minus that one now. 

and the other ..... "I know I am right". Ha ha , I can be very stubborn at times!


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## CoffeeTime

My partner and I took the test and scored very well. But that is no surprise, this is the best relationship we've had for both of us.


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## Midlife

None for me.


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## Pandakiss

*Relationship Logistics*

____X__ We communicate well.
____X__ We resolve conflict well.
____X__ We have discussed and are okay with our relationship roles.
____X__ We have discussed and are okay with our sexual expectations.
___X___ We have discussed and are okay with our spiritual beliefs.
___X___ We have discussed and are okay with our financial management.
___X___ We have discussed and are okay with our personal, couple and family goals.

*Relationship Balance* 

__X____ We value each others needs for some independence within the relationship.
___X___ We spend adequate time together, nurturing our relationship.

*Relationship Emotional Safety*

___X___ We feel heard by each other.
___X___ We feel understood by each other.
___X___ We feel validated by each other.
___X___ We feel empathy from each other.
___X___ We feel respected by each other.
___X___ We feel loved by each other.


at least 90 percent of the time this is right on...we have disagrements and we yell that the other person isnt listening or thinking of the other one...you dont understand, you didnt listen....

but we work through them, and come out the other side..laughing about being such a bonehead...


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## qwiffles

very interesting. none for me


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