# Looking for a bit of advice or an outside perspective



## christobah (Mar 16, 2010)

In desperate need of some advice. I was actually browsing the internet in a despair and came upon this site by happen chance. I'm very interested to see how someone else in my situation would react.

Let me start off by explaining my situation. I've been married for just shy of 8 years to my high school sweet heart and the mother of my 6 year old daughter. We're each the only serious emotional or physical relationship we've ever had. I'm in the military, and we did the sterotypical get married straight away mistake that many military couple make. The first 6 years were absolute hell. As far as I know my wife has never cheated on me, and I've never cheated on her, but I feel that she has absolutely ruined me financially. I will say that I probably should have been more involved in the finances. I made the mistake of trusting and expecting a girl I knew very little about to handle our joint accounts and finances while I was deployed and training, ect. ect. So of course as I said, the first 6 years were horrible, and I imagine that's because we both still had alot of growing up to do.

So our daughter is born and we're trying to be good parents, live fiscally responsible and all that. However right before I deployed to Iraq, my social security number was compromised. In response I flagged my SSN, froze accounts and cards, set up a new direct deposit, ect. I left expecting my wife, who at this point in our marriage had really seemed to turn things around and be responsible with what honestly was my money, seeing as she had no education, and no job, and do to the fact that our daughter has some serious medical issues, decided to put finishing college off until things have stabilized. When I came back, everything seemed in order. Now I froze my bank card and changed to a new account as I said, and when I came back I spoke to my wife about getting more involved in the finances by getting a new bank card and helping to keep track of the spending and bills, but she insisted that the bank wasn't going to issue me a check card due to the SSN compromise, and afterall I had flagged my SSN for a number of years, so no lines of credit could be opened in my name, ect, as it was a fairly serious breach of identity.

I took my wife's word for it. Why would my wife lie to me right? And I was heavily involved in training for a new deployment and a career change, so I was more than happy to let her continue doing what appeared to be a good job. I tried to keep tabs, by constantly asking her how things were doing, were we dipping into our savings? Making ends meets? Everything is ok? I haven't heard you talk about the car payment in a while, it's all still caught up. Of course she indicated everything was fine.

Well about 2 months ago, I found out that she'd been lying to me the whole time. On a whim I decided to check my credit report, and there was all sorts of crap on there. Loans she had taken out in my name while I was deployed using a power of attorney. Bills that were now delinquent, ect ect. Just a total mess. Thankfully I had gotten suspicious enough to take a look, and again my fault for not being more proactive, but what bank won't even let an account holder have some kind of ATM card? When confronted about all this, she admitted to lying to me about it and told me her reason was because she had screwed up by squandering almost all the money I had made while I was in Iraq, and she was embarrassed about it, and due to all the work related stress I was undergoing, did not want me to worry about it, so every time I asked she would tell me a fairy tell to get me to leave her alone so she could figure out how to make the ends meet between pay checks. Of course she begged forgiveness and pledged to be honest with me about the finances from there on out, which to my knowledge she has. Thankfully we're not behind on any of our current bills, and have never been late on the loan payments, so the only delinquent debt we have is a few things on my credit report which totals less than 3000 dollars. I'm in a major career change right now, at the end of which I'll be receiving a decent bonus of cash.

However we got hit with a couple of unexpected expenses this month that really tightened up the paychecks. When speaking with her about how to handle this situation today, I pulled out the calculator and starting figuring in when I would get my bonus and be able to clean up the credit report, pay off the remainder of the loans, and with a impending promotion in rank, the pay raise would enable us to start putting a respectable about of money back into savings each month, and we could be back to the point I thought we were at before I found out she was lying to me, within a few months. But when I starting with the total of my bonus, and started subtracting all the debt, I was left with almost nothing at the end. Then I remembered all the money she had wasted over the course of our marriage. My first reenlistment bonus, all my combat pay, the pay from two non combat related deployments, and now most of this impending bonus. I tried to picture this 'woman' who I'd been married to for 8 years ever having the level of trust and responsibility to not throw away every dollar we have on scented candles and throw rugs. And to be honest I couldn't see that as possible.

I'm pretty much fed up with being in the military, and I had my heart set on getting out, but I just agreed to give up 4 more years of my life because my child is in desperate need of health care, and the bonus that is rightfully mine as a reward for reenlisting is once again going to dig myself out of a whole that I let my wife put me in. How much is too much? I don't know how much longer I can pretend that my wife ever really grew up. She comes from a relatively wealthy family, and I don't think she was raised with an understanding of how to pay bills, and not waste money. Lord knows I've tried to teach her, but everytime I go away from home for any length of time, it all goes for nought.

So I don't know what to do. I still love her, and I don't want my daughter to have to grow up in a split family. I know I'd be alright, with whats left of my bonus I could afford to get an apartment, start over, and still pay child support. But what of my wife? No education. No job skills. She and I both know she's going to run home to my mother-in-law, just like she does for every little emotional problem she has. 

She has no plan, and with the way I deploy, I cant have sole custody of our daughter. And I don't want my kid growing up in an environment where her mother is the typical divorced single mom with no job. I actually enjoy my family life when I'm not concerned with the finances, but as of late it's hard to tell if our marriage is still based on love, if she's just clinging to the last bits of control she has, or if we've both been together so long we're just scared of being single. I'm torn between cutting all ties, trying to get my life sorted, providing financial support for my child, and starting over. Or attempting to convince myself that the woman I love is actually capable of acting like an adult. With that being said, I could really use some advice, or at least an outside perspective.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

okay christobah...important question...did you give her power of attorney when you deployed? because if you didn't the your WIFE compromised your SSN as sure as any identity thief could or would...she is AT BEST irresponsible with finances...and AT WORST she is a criminal, and you are due remedy...take her out of the loop...enquire with an attorney about your options, unless...

if you gave her power of attorney, then she acted as you, legally, i might add...


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I realize that you are a zillion miles away and I'm here in cushy U.S. of A. but can you rescind your power of attorney, speak to your bank about opening a savings account only in your name in which you direct deposit, and then from there (the savings account) you have all the bills paid electronically and give your wife a spending allowance? My Dear Hubby and I have our phone, internet, cable, rent, electricity etc. all set to up from our savings account but not to come out automatically--they come out when we authorize the payment. So the electric company sends us an email "bill" and we click "Pay bill" and it pays it. Could you set up something like that with your creditors?

Yes, I know it means lots of hassle for you while you already deal with stress there, but in a way it would also remove a) the spender from the equation and b) the stress from the mismanagement of money.


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