# Wife texted me it is over



## sadsailor (Aug 19, 2010)

My wife texted me 2 days ago she had bad feelings. When I called she said she did love me anymore.

I am currently demobilizing from a deployment with the military. Iam 1500 miles from her and this happens. We have been married 11 yrs and have 4yr old triplets.

I dont know if it is a mid life crisis an affair or... She came back from a 2 day vegas trip with eight female coworkers a week ago.

I have already talk to counselor on base and will continue until I can get home.

She seems set on ending it. I am not in agreement.

Any advice


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## sadsailor (Aug 19, 2010)

I forgot, I saw my wife on a 96hr liberty over the fourth of July and everything was good.

I sent an email on the advice of counselor "3 things that I could to be a better husband" She said I have thought about it and need to move on.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

That's a bad situation for you, my heart goes out. 

The best advice I can give is don't get overly emotional, don't make demands, don't believe a word she says when she starts in on why it's all your fault. Listen, take it in, learn all you can about why women leave men. (Google that terms, lots of excellent articles out there.)

Affair is an obvious candidate, but it's impossible for you to know right now.

When do you get back home?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Sorry to hear this. Is she willing to go to a marriage counselor so she has a forum to express her dissatisfaction with the marriage?


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## gpawel (Aug 12, 2010)

Accept it as it is. It is very hard!!, I know, but really nothing you can do right now. Phone, sms and so on will not help, but can make things worse. Starting from this point, try to contact her as little as possible. Let her make first step.


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## sadsailor (Aug 19, 2010)

Havent asked about marriage counselor yet. I havent been smothering, I only called to talk to kids or about them.

Contacted father in-law he was very supportive. Then continued on to state her mom did basically did same thing.

It is difficult especially not being face to face. I'm here for another 30 days but am trying to get home for 4 days this weekend.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

The real tough thing is that to have any hope of getting the truth about what is really going on for her, you need to make it safe for her to talk. That means being quiet, asking some questions, listening, and not getting emotional about it at all.

Scripted it might look like:

"I understand you want to separate. I'm not going to try to stop you, but it would help me to understand your feelings. You say you've stopped loving me, when did that start? How long have you felt that way?"

She talks and you shut up and listen...

"Did something happen in vegas?"

Shut up and listen.

"Is there another man in the picture?"

Shut up and listen.

"What is your plan for leaving?"

Shut up and listen.

You get my point. It's better if you can do it in person, but the phone will work too. Maybe you start by scheduling a time you can talk for 30 minutes. 

Shut up and listen may give you more understanding of what is going on for her. You'll need to not react to any blaming statements she makes, or get baited into a fight. 

Make sense?


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## sadsailor (Aug 19, 2010)

Thank you for advice will try to talk tomorrow, kids did not nap today first time they have seen me in 5 months.

Caught her in a lie tonight. She said she was going out with a Girl friend and spend night there. She must have forgot she is in another state for the week newspapers still piled on front porch.

Went to her best friends house she answered the door with she's not here. Talked to her a bit. She said she had no clue and was sorry.

Got several phone #'s for attorneys since my 96 hr liberty is up on monday in case.

Whatever happens it was good to be here for their birthday on Sunday.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Sailor,

My heart goes out to you. Four year old triplets you love dearly, deployments, and a cheating wife.

You sound like a good man, I know your heart is breaking.

From CT I offer my sympathy - I was going to offer some words of encouragement, but decided my story might be more useful.

My ex didn't cheat, she became depressed and angry and withdrew all contact, sometimes not talking to me for a month. I stayed, sleeping in a king size bed with an iceberg on the other side for more years than I want to remember, or can remember. Eventually neither of us could pretend any more, the marriage counsellor she selected because she'd seen him for months had been convinced she was perfect - guess who was a faulty human almost being?

I found an apartment nearby, cried frequently, my life had been destroyed, I would never be happy again. My kids were 10 and 12, that summer she sent them to a sleep away camp some distance away. I saw them midsummer, glad there was a box of tissues in the car as I drove to my apt, not home.

Skipping the details, my life did get happier, my children and I had 4 or 5 evenings a week together, Tue, Thu, Friday night Saturday through Sunday noon, and often much of Sunday. I worked 60+ hour weeks, found love, and recovered emotionally and financially. It wasn't easy, but it is possible. I wouldn't want to do it again. How do you spell sleep?

Somehow I managed to get through the kids' adolescence, college, "issues", staying close, loving them with all my heart, giving them space, just letting them know I will always be their loving father. Today our love for each other, though many miles separate us, is strong. The hugs my sons give me when we see each other, strong, caring, loving. 

Had I managed to stay with my ex, I'm sure I would have died years ago, grieving. She was depressed - the form where I had to walk on eggs, fearing outbursts - always angry, cold, and disapproving. 

My youngest son broke off all contact with her for several years, now when they see each other because of eldest son and his children, my wonderful grandkids, he told her "Say one word that is not civil and you'll never see me again". His mom is a real peach.

I won't tell you to be brave, I don't think bravery helps, all I can say is time heals, time heals.

Mark


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

From my iPhone so it'll be short: assume cheating. Most women look for a soft landing. Expect to be lied to, blamed, it was a terrible marriage, denials, how dare you check up on me, etc. 

Best thing you can do is not react, not plead, don't make declarations you'll change. Listen and collect info. Give yourself space to decide if you want to fight for the mariage. 

Hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadsailor (Aug 19, 2010)

Just returned from 96 hour special leave. Tried to talk when kids in bed. I had to drag a conversation out of her. Would not look at me. We talked 3 times 1-2 hours over 4 days 

Things that were issues for her: Her friends think I am mad because I'm quiet. She feels like a mediator.

She said she feels like she is going through motions. Work kids home start over. I said some days are like that but not every day.

The most hurtful one my hugs and kisses dont seem as affectionate or loving.

There was a few more that centered around her friends but it changed each time we talked.

Doesnt seem like divorce material I think we can work it out. If she will go to counseling with me. If I can ever get home from MED HOLD.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

sadsailor said:


> Just returned from 96 hour special leave. Tried to talk when kids in bed. I had to drag a conversation out of her. Would not look at me. We talked 3 times 1-2 hours over 4 days
> 
> Things that were issues for her: Her friends think I am mad because I'm quiet. She feels like a mediator.
> 
> ...



Same story different deployment. None of that is even close to a reason for divorce or even a big arguement. If you're a squid then you know in your gut what's going on. How would seperating help her get out of the routine you described.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

> Caught her in a lie tonight. She said she was going out with a Girl friend and spend night there. She must have forgot she is in another state for the week newspapers still piled on front porch.


Dude, those issue may be present, but what about this elephant in the room? Where was she when she lied about being at her girlfriends?

In the early stages of an affair, the wayward spouse will lie, misdirect, blameshift, and generally do anything possible to avoid being caught AND to maintain the feelings they get from the other person. Whatever talks you had were misdirection.

This article from AffairCare may help you (they are both on this site, and very knowledgable):

Seven Steps To Ending An Affair?

Of course it's possible I'm wrong. You need to get access to her email, cell phone, etc.


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## puffs31 (Aug 12, 2010)

Its hard to change someones mind once it is already made up. Without knowing all the details, maybe you should start to heal yourself, accept this and move on. Of course making sure that you get to see your wonderful children. Does she want to go to counseling? Having your heart broken and family spilt apart is never an easy thing. But take care of yourself and try for now to not get your hopes up. Plan for the worst while expecting the best.
So sorry to hear this is happening to you. Hang in there.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Is there someone in your home town you can ask to follow her? She is almost surely having an affair; either she met someone in Vegas and is emailing/texting/phoning him, or she came home and found someone local.

If this is the case, you have a fair (not great, but fair) chance of ending the affair and getting your wife back. But you have to find the affair and stop it first.

Do you have access to your phone bill online? See if there is one number she's texting or calling nonstop.


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## sadsailor (Aug 19, 2010)

Thanks for the comments puff, tunera, kobo, and seeking sanity.

I dont have access to phone on family plan with mother in law.

What about this:

I 'm not gonna mention it... unless she contines to mention how she wants out of the relationship. Then I will state how there are things I can get my mind around. That there are several flags that are causing me problems such as constant texting change of heart lying about whereabouts.

I am trying to take care of myself. I'm doing alot better after the 96 hr visit. She couldnt look at me when we were talking about "my problems"


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

You know yourself best. Guys deal with this in different ways. You'll need to ask yourself a) if infidelity is a deal killer, b) how much you are willing to put into trying to save the marriage, c) if you're better off married or not.

If you want to save the marriage, the first step is to get to the truth. IF it's an affair (and remember me and, I suspect, most of the guys offering advice have gone through infidelity so we're biased that way), then you need to first gather proof before you can exercise your options. Absence of proof allows her to maintain the illusion that the relationship issues are your failings. It's a way to maintain the fog.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read the book Surviving an Affair. It'll give you a game plan to follow.


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