# Stuck alone and miserable in in wife's city with 3 kids?



## dredredre1 (Dec 13, 2011)

Just reading all these posts by my fellow men has me breathing a bit easier as I'm not the only one going through pain and heartache. I too, am currently going through such an unfortunate situation. This has nothing to do with cheating or not that i know of. I've been married to my wife of over 7 years (total 11 years together) but she now is ending it for good after my pleading and suggestions for counselling. I have reached the stage of acceptance. We have 3 kids (ages 2,4 and 6). She has finally gotten tired of me and possibly my attitude. 

Long story short..well still lengthy...I met her after she moved to my city for work. Sparks were flying, things were great and got married after 4 years of dating. My 3 beautiful kids were born out this relationship. Trouble started brewing 3 yrs ago after we agreed that she can go visit her small hometown for the summer while on mat leave with our second child. I of course thought i was being compassionate for her as she missed being with family. Upon her arrival back from her town, she was very distant & cold. I soon learned that she was unhappy in the big city and her recent hometown visit made her realize how much she missed her family and friends back home. Initially, she knew i would NEVER move to her hometown (because i already had a great job, family, friends, network) when we were dating but she gave me a heartbreaking ultimatum. She was already set in her ways of moving back. Either we can continue our relationship in HER city OR that it was OVER for our marriage/family. I was shocked, devastated and confused as i didn't know our relationship was on rocky waters in the first place. We got into a huge fight as I thought she was being very selfish! Thinking about saving our marriage & kids, I reluctantly agreed to move there knowing that i would have to quit my beloved job, have no family (other than through her), friends or support network there. 

I can say that the relationship did improve over the 3 yrs of living here but at the same time I was very depressed & miserable about everything else. I dreaded driving every morning to a job that i didn't like which also was a 20k pay cut from my previous job (there really is no job market for what i do and if there were, it was hard to land such a position as i found networking to be a major obstacle being new to the city), the weather was always cold & grey, i was constantly alone and really couldn't make any new close friends. I found that most people in a small city already have their clique and it's hard to join one. All this resulted in a lot of arguments, outbursts on my part about how I can't adapt and how miserable & alone i felt. I'll admit it that it didn't help that i kept complaining about it once in a while. I was happy with the kids and all but i kept thinking about my own personal being, mental health that i wasn't happy with my life, surroundings and career anymore. I even saw a doctor about my depression. Almost felt like a dead end. My last argument/outburst with her which was several weeks ago was the last straw for her in dealing with me. I blame myself but to some extent resent her for making me move in the first place. I totally regret bringing up my last quarrel with her as this was it for her. She didn't outright tell me to leave but she said that we can no longer be together. How she has lost that love for me a while ago. I told her that i haven't been my true happy self for the last 3 years of living there and to take that into consideration. She just claimed that i've always been this way and that she's always bit her tongue for the longest time. Realizing the magnitude of the situation and what it would do to the kids/marriage.. I've been pleading with her to give me one more chance but to no avail. I've come to the stage of acceptance and will have to weather these dark days that's ahead. I've already started playing out custody scenerios in the future. I'm fully understanding that the children have a great structure that's been developed over the last 3 years in this small city. 2 of the 3 kids are already in school with a developing circle of friends, plenty more cousins their age here and the basic daily routine with 2 grandparents to help with the daily chores. I know there's no chance in splitting the kids or even bringing them back and yes, the wife has great mothering skills.


Right now, as i write...i'm in that state of fresh limbo. We can't salvage anything but we're still living together in our 1 year old newly built house. We've been sleeping in separate bedrooms for a a couple of weeks now. The hardest thing for me is currently watching my wife's actions as she's leaving me alone or with the kids at the house while she spends time with her sister/brother in law, parents, friends. On weekends she'll either go to the parent's house for the whole day or have her sister come over for the whole day using her as some type of 'barrier' to avoid talking or being with me. It's really awkward as the only family/friends i know are through her. At the same time, It's killing me slowly as i get the feeling they're all turning against me. It's no hidden fact that they'll just support her. I'm deeply hurting inside as i have nobody to turn to and being so alone in this city. Calling my family/friends on the phone can only do so much from where i am.

I need your help in guidance. Just the thought of not having the kids around or making them grow up without ideal parenthood kills me. I want to be around for the 3 kids but they'll be around a very lonely sad dad. Also the thought of moving out alone to a smaller apartment where i get to see the kids part time in addition to continue going through my own self depression, being miserable living where i struggle to make friends, have no family or network connections. I've been laid off already and facing another layoff as there are really no job opportunites for what i do. I'm also thinking about my own personal being which is really suffering.

What would you do if you were me?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Seek counseling to help you with your thoughts. Find other forums on the internet to participate in and talk about the issues you are facing. You are not alone. Others have been there. Find them in a forum, talk to them, learn how they survive.

I'm sorry things are the way they are for you. The fact that your wife is ignoring you is being watched by the kids, and they are learning from it in a bad way. That needs to stop. You two can at least be civil to each other in front of them.


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## dredredre1 (Dec 13, 2011)

Thanks for the reply Hertoo,

I've been looking for forums to see if anyone has been in the same situation as me but i'm having a hard time finding them. It's usually about wife and kids moving away but situation is a little different. If you know or run acroos any such sites or forums, pls let me know.

It's really eating me up inside....The fact that i reluctantly made a huge sacrifice in my personal life to move to wife's town for the sake of our marriage and our kids.

Decides that she wants to end it leaving me feel all stranded here. It's so easy for her as she's got everything she needs around her now that she's here.

I feel like i've been eaten, chewed and spit out...now stuck here in the town that i'm so depressed and miserable in but know i can't take the kids back with me.

It's either I stay here, soon to be laid off with no other job prospects, look for some other job that i never went to school for, move alone into a small apartment and only have the kids every other week/weekend with not a soul that i know around me. I wouldn't want the kids to see a lonely dad...

Or do i move back to my city thats about a 2 hours flight away (25 hr drive) where I'll be happier, good job opportunites related to my field, be around my family/friends/network again but have more of a limited custody to the 3 children (possibly 4 physical visits a year - holidays, summers, etc), constant Skype chats and phone convos.

I'm so broken hearted right now.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

At a minimum, find a forum on depression and chat there.

You can always let your kids know that you love them, regardless of any distance between you. They need that to survive. Make communication with them something they desire and cherish. You will never lose the title of "Dad". 

As for jobs, I'll tell you this. I went college and got a computer science degree. Graduated into a market where computer jobs were flat. I went to work for a temp agency for 2 years. I even worked two jobs, one as a temp computer operator for slightly above minimum wage, and the other making pizzas for minimum wage. 

If it was me, I'd sign up at a temp agency to find work. I'd go to Wal Mart, McDonald's, anywhere and find a job or two in order to stay near my kids. You can still take classes online as well. I got my MBA online while working full-time and coaching youth basketball. That's an idea, volunteer to coach a kids sport. It will help you by helping them. Then your kids might become part of a team. 

I'm about to lose my 30+ year marriage because I had an affair, and later learned that I fell out of love with my wife well before that. Still trying to save it, but it doesn't look good. Either way, I have to have a plan for staying, and a plan for leaving. No one is going to do it for me.

Hold on. You can do it!


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Oh, my heart breaks for you. I am in a similar situation. 
...sort of.
I have an 11 month old baby. I have been married for over 8 years. My husband has been having an emotional affair with his graduate student for about a year. (...since I was 9 months pregnant..). I moved away from my family for his job. I have actually moved all over the country for his jobs. While I really miss my family and friends, I have always been okay with moving for him because I *thought* he loved me.

He told me several month ago that he never actually loved me...he only got married to me because everyone told him that I was a 'catch' and that I made him a better person. 

whatever.

He moved out of my house a few months ago, and it looks like he has no interest in reconciliation.
Anyway, while I do have friends here, if and when we get a divorce, I would like to move back by my family. I moved here for him, and if he no longer wants me, then I want to start living the life that I want to live. 

I understand yours feeling of being "stuck" and having no choices. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to take care of myself and my baby...and not worry about my husband. That is hard to do, though. 

I will tell you that seeing a counselor has really helped me sort out what I want out of life. I have been seeing a counselor at a local church. It is super cheap--only $25 a session. And, it has really helped me to talk through some things...it has helped me through this grieving process, and it have really helped me figure out what I want out of life. 

Right now, I am trying to educate myself on my options legally. Have you seen a lawyer? I wonder what a lawyer would recommend you do? 

I am so sorry to read that other people are going through this too. It is so awful to feel so alone ....with no emotional support. The heart ache is almost unbearable at times. I am just so sorry.

People keep telling me to "hang in there"---life gets better. But, that is just so hard to do.


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## cyan (Dec 4, 2011)

Wow dredredre1... I'm sorry for what you're going through and know this must be an awfully difficult time for you. Keep coming back here; there are some awesome people who empathize and give great advice.

Well, it's a little early in the game for you to know exactly what to do. If I were you I'd explore all options: going back to your former city, staying there and working as a temp, school, etc. Gather as much information as possible about ALL your options then make your decision. I know it's an emotional time for you, but try to think logically about this (easier said than done) by figuring out what you would tell a friend of yours who's in your situation. 

Hang in there... you'll get through this.


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## dredredre1 (Dec 13, 2011)

@ jpr - Wow, we're in somewhat similar situations! Only big difference is you have the child with you so you can have an easier transition to move back with your child and close family/friends. I move back, I'd only see my children average 4 times a year in person with hopefully plenty of skyping sessions. I really feel so screwed over, alone stuck here for the time being while she has all the support here.

I'm sorry to hear about your current situation too. Please keep your head up too. I'll definitely look at my options when it comes to any counselling/legal advice. 

We're trying to stay civil in the meantime but it's just hard, she's such a different person now. I'm soon to be laid off and I know that her plan is just to move back to her parents close by while we try to sell the house asap. 
i know she's also trying to be civil as we spoke about co-parenting moving forward whether i stay in her town (which she forced me to move to & knowing i'd be miserable in) or whether i move back to my city(be happier personally but limits seeing my kids as they're more ideally set up in ex-wifey's town.)

cyan/ht - thanks for the encouragement too. I'm leaning towards heading back to my former city for now as i need to be around emotional support of family and friends. I'll see how I'll move forward from there. I want the kids to be with a happy dad although at the price of seeing them a bit less. I don't want them to see me at my worst during this hard time. The key here is to keep constant communication with them through visits, phone conversations and skype.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

That's right, keep in touch with them Constantly remind them that "Dad" is in their life every day.

When you're going through hell, keep moving.

You'll make it!


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

Your wife is very selfish.She does not have any respect for you.

Dont destroy your career for her anymore.
Move back to your city and find good job and start a new life.You deserve better woman.

Life is very short to waste on woman like your wife.try to get 50/50 custody of children.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yeah your stbxw is very selfish. You come across as a decent person who loved her. Maybe you were not perfect, but I will be the first to bring this up, (I read too many worst case scenario stories on a daily basis on this site) but when she went for a visit to this hometown and decided she wanted to move back, is it possible she reconnected with an old flame and maybe even tried to bluff you into separating so she could follow through with her plans? If so, when you called her bluff by giving up your job and moving she was probably even more resentful that you were standing in the way of being with another? OK that sounds crazy and implausible, but honestly anything is possible.

I too am stuck in a place I never wanted to be long term... I moved here over a decade ago, with an ex GF, we broke up shortly after but I was enrolled in a good tech program, graduated here, found work, met my W, stayed here started a family etc. I have made a bit of a life here but it is not my ideal place - now I'm divorcing, have one son, my stbxw has a very small family who live here but she doesn't feel a lot of attachment to this place, we used to talk about moving closer to my family in BC but now we are separated and she has built up a business here it is probably more unlikely that I will have a chance to move away without taking away one parent from my child. *So I choose to make a life here*.


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## theniceguyy (Dec 16, 2011)

dredredre1 said:


> I need your help in guidance. Just the thought of not having the kids around or making them grow up without ideal parenthood kills me. I want to be around for the 3 kids but they'll be around a very lonely sad dad. Also the thought of moving out alone to a smaller apartment where i get to see the kids part time in addition to continue going through my own self depression, being miserable living where i struggle to make friends, have no family or network connections.
> 
> What would you do if you were me?


dredredre1 I know what you are going through. I recently am separated (withing the last week) from my GF of 10+yrs, she told me that she can not love me that way I love her (I love you, But I"m not in live you bit) and we have a child together. I killed me to think that my child would not have the chance to have a "normal" childhood. But after some hard thinking, I realized that I will always be there for my child as will my EX. We have not told our child that we are separating because of the holidays, but I did leave the house and told my child that I had to go away for businesses for a few weeks till xmas. And as far the loneliness goes, I'm kinda in the same boat, I lost touch with many of my friends and mostly hung out with my EX and her family. But fortunately I have family where I'm at. I recommend joining a Gym or getting a hobby, doing anything that will keep your mind busy (this is what I've done). Remember that you will still be there for your kids and always will be. It will difficult at first, but as time goes on for both you and your kids it will get easier. We can not control the actions/feelings of others. We need to adjust to what life throws our way. Good luck!


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## theniceguyy (Dec 16, 2011)

Also dredredre1, these boards have helped me a lot though this first week of chaos. I helps to know that is (unfortunately) happens all the time. There is a lot of good advice on these kinds of boards. So Keep reading.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

dredredre1,

How does your wife intened to support your children if you are laid off? I wonder how much she has thought through the logistics of single parenting.


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## dredredre1 (Dec 13, 2011)

@ niceguy - thx for the advice but it makes a huge difference that you have family where you are. I was 'forced' and pretty much given an 'ultimatum' to move here after we had so many arguments about never moving in the first place. The key thing is we met, built our marriage and family in my city and there was no way in chance that i wanted to move the foundation to another city. The sacrifice personally on my end was huge (although ignored and taken for granted by her). She wanted to move because she missed family and friends. She even wanted to break up right than and there until i reluctantly agreed to move here. She was willing to break us apart and throw everything that made me happy out the window for her own happiness and i resented her for that. (I'd never force a wife and make her do something against her wishes. That's just not right for a marriage.)

Now that i'm here, i'm the one thats really suffering. I mean i gave up everything in my life, including my career( I'm very career & goal minded too), family and friends who were a very big part of my life.

In my recent fight with the stbxw...she said that "She has stopped loving me a long time ago." That was just an extra strong kick to my stomach. Hurts hard, especially when I think of everything I've done for her. Had she told me this a long time ago, I would have never moved or have any more kids with her. That was just plain selfish and extra hurtful of her on all angles.

I feel very screwed over, eaten, chewed and spit out. This current situation just makes things 100X worse.

I wanted to add that i'm aware that her family/friends are aware of our situation. Believing that they're also my support network in this town..It hurts that not one has reached out to me to see how i'm doing or if I'm okay. I've been lead to believe that some have turned against me and will just support her. She's purely surrounded by emotional and physical support as she frequently leaves me alone in the house while she spends time with others with nowhere for me to turn. This is where i feel so stranded, trapped, very alone and helpless. I'm hurt and seething at the same time.

It's been a couple of weeks already. I need time to step away to get myself emotionally and mentally healed. I need to find that inner peace & calm in order to be an effective happy father to my children. I don't know how long it will take me but i need to be around those who will support me at the moment physically and emotionally. I'm happy that my kids won't be taken away from me. This will for sure end up shared custody.

@ elegirl - i'll be laid off soon, nothing is on the horizon for me. All the available jobs are really junior out of school type positions where as all the higher positions our through networking and I have none whatsoever in this town. I need to get away from the stxw for a while and get my life back on track mentally. She'll move back into her parents with the children. I've been left alone and screwed over twice now. I feel she took my whole livelihood away being here (family, friends, career, now taking normal parenthood away from the children). I have nothing more to give at the same time everything taken away from myself. 

The key here is to heal my mental state, pick up the pieces and attain that inner peace again. It will be a long road to recovery. I'll show my kids that they'll have a happy loving father and will forever and be present in their lives.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

dredredre1 said:


> @ elegirl - i'll be laid off soon, nothing is on the horizon for me. All the available jobs are really junior out of school type positions where as all the higher positions our through networking and I have none whatsoever in this town. I need to get away from the stxw for a while and get my life back on track mentally. She'll move back into her parents with the children. I've been left alone and screwed over twice now. I feel she took my whole livelihood away being here (family, friends, career, now taking normal parenthood away from the children). I have nothing more to give at the same time everything taken away from myself.
> 
> The key here is to heal my mental state, pick up the pieces and attain that inner peace again. It will be a long road to recovery. I'll show my kids that they'll have a happy loving father and will forever and be present in their lives.


If your wife leaves to live with her parents and you have no job, she will have to face the fact that her choice in places to live has been a disaster for your family... her and your kids. She will be on welfare. This could make her start to look at you and the big city very differently.

I agree that you moving back to where you came from is probably the best choice for you. You can still spend a lot of time with your children.


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## dredredre1 (Dec 13, 2011)

@ elegirl

I agree. That's what i've been told by my family/relatives. That would in the best interests of everyone involved. I need to ensure that my kids see the happy and healthy father that they deserve. Although it sucks that it limits my time with them, I need to ensure that there will still be constant communication with them physically and emotionally.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm sorry; this is a tough situation. Have you consulted a medical professional about your depression? Don't wait; just talking to someone and bringing them up to speed on your situation will make further intervention--if needed, down the road--easier. 

It strikes me that you haven't said anything about understanding how unhappy she must have felt in your city, once you began to experience similar feelings in her city. Sounds like both of you have trouble feeling empathy--something you could work on (and maybe if you mentioned that to her, she'd be willing, too. If not, you can still help yourself).

If she is not working, then try to make custody arrangements that allow you to see the children in your city more than 4 times a year. You don't say how far it is--but anything less than about a 4 hour drive will likely be considered reasonable for 1-2 days each weekend. It cannot go on forever b/c they'll start to have their own lives and interests, but esp. for the youngest 2, it will help build a bond with you that distance, in the school years, can't undo.


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## dredredre1 (Dec 13, 2011)

@sisters359
I've spoken to a doctor about the depression a couple of times already and plan on speaking with a counsellor about my 'new' situation.

Reason i didn't bring anything about her being unhappy in my city is because i never asked her to move to my city in the first place. I met her after she was already living in my city for 5 months for school and work. All i knew is that while we were dating, she mentioned that she never planned on moving back to her hometown and that her move was for good. I didnt' even sense any issues after living happily 8 years together at that time and than BAM! She decides that she wants to move back (and take the kids with her) after this one summer visit to her hometown while she was on mat leave. Imagine if you were in my position just to be given a shocking ultimatum. (Some other posters have suggested maybe she met an old flame during that visit but hasn't been proven).

I definitely plan to make custody arrangements that allows myself to see the children at least 5 times a year (with each visit lasting at least 3 days to 3 weeks or more during summer). I think i mentioned in one of my earlier replies that distance is a 2 hr flight (25 hr drive). In addition to the physical visits, I would want to throw (near) daily skype chats and phone conversations. I know my wife would be understanding for everyone's best interests. She has nothing on me as i haven't cheated and have proven time again of the sacrifices that i made for the marriage/children. Ultimately i am hoping for the best that the stbxw reconsiders and that we try to be one happy family unit again. It hurts to be so physically close to her but yet so far. I know we have hurt each other so many times but the love is still there from my end. I've tried pleading and she has shut the door on every possibility/solutions (at this time anyways as I don't know if she'll ever change her mind).


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## Geeky_Guy (Dec 15, 2011)

Dre. I was there myself. I met my wife while traveling and settled down in her state for her. After awhile, I just wasn't happy there. I enjoyed our friends, the area, and everything, but I couldn't find a good job and I missed all my family and friends I grew up with. Now the difference with us is, we didn't have kids, so much easier for me then you. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I feel you. I know what your going through, at least partially, and wish you the best of luck.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Dre...

I am so sorry. I know this feeling of wanting to get as far away from your estranged spouse as possible. I am going through that with my husband too. Thankfully,I do have a lot of friends here. ...but it is so hard. My husband was my very best friend, and I no longer have that. I am now trying to work on strengthening my friendships. I am opening up to my friends more. ..and I am being honest with my feelings.

I have also gotten back to volunteering with my local animal shelter. I used to volunteer a lot of my time to this charity. It makes me feel good to be "of use" again. I spent most of my marriage taking care of my husband, dogs, and child. 

For me, forcing myself to get out there, socialize, and help others has really helped me...a lot. It has helped me to not feel so stuck in this town--and it has helped me to forget that I have no control over my life right now. The more I reach out to people, the more supported I feel. 

...but, I know how you feel. My family is the most important thing in my life. I moved 16 hours away from them to start a new life with my husband --my best friend--. Unfortunately, he has rejected me. Time to pick on the pieces, and figure out what I want my future to look like.


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## theniceguyy (Dec 16, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I agree that you moving back to where you came from is probably the best choice for you. You can still spend a lot of time with your children.


+1 , I totally agree. You need to get back where you can start to heal and move forward.


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## Geeky_Guy (Dec 15, 2011)

> I agree that you moving back to where you came from is probably the best choice for you. You can still spend a lot of time with your children.


I've been home for a week now, and all my friends here have reached out to me and even introduced me to new friends. I hate to sound cheesy but, There's no place like home.


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## dredredre1 (Dec 13, 2011)

Geeky_Guy said:


> I've been home for a week now, and all my friends here have reached out to me and even introduced me to new friends. I hate to sound cheesy but, There's no place like home.


Good for you GG. I'm riding this out until the end of my work contract (another 2 months). It's hard to be separated while living in the same house which will soon be put on sale. I want to be close to her and hopefully reconcile but all I see is a shell of herself, very emotionally distant and cold towards me. It's actually reversing my decision on wanting to reconcile with her due to how mean-spirited, cold she's being. I've been taking some days off hoping we can do things together but she chooses to stay at her parents all day (she's on her holiday break already). 

I can't wait to be around some emotional support throughout this whole ordeal. To this day, with all her friends/family (the only people i know in this town), not one has reached out to me to see if I'm okay or ask how I'm doing. It just re-affirms what i've been saying all along to her when i disagreed with this forceful re-location in the first place. It sucks but i'm just keeping my head up.


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