# My Husband Keeps His Ex-Wife on a Pedastal



## Twinkle Toes (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi! I need some advice. I love my husband very much. We have been in a relationship for 5 yrs, distance for 1 yr, lived together for 1 yr and have been married for 3 yrs. This is both of our second marriages. All of our children are grown up and don't live with us. The problem I am having is that he keeps his ex-wife and their daughters together on a pedastal. While my daughter and I can do no right in his eyes. 

His ex left him 7 years before we met. He didn't have another relationship until he met me. The ex-wife moved every belonging that was in the house they had together into her new relationship's house (literally, all that was left was the curtains!)...oh did I mention this new relationship was their children's teacher? Now according to my husband, he says they were physically seperated for a few months before she did this. They still lived in the same house, just him sleeping in the spare room. He says that she never cheated on him, she would "never do that, she was not that kind of person."Well, we live in a small town and I got to be friends with a person through work who used to be the ex wife's's former best friend. She had stopped being friends with her because she couldn't stand the way his ex-wife treated him and how she openly had an affair with this teacher. Many of his family members feel the same way. Now loving him like I do, it hurts me to think of how she hurt him and treated him, whether he was aware or not.

I voiced my feelings to my husband, but he informed me that if I thought he would ever speak unkindly about his ex, I was sadly mistaken. She was the mother of his children and he still considered her a friend and she was a wonderful mother and person. He wanted a good relationship for the sakes of the children. (His children are adults.) He said people didn't know what they were talking about, (his family and her ex-best friend)that she never cheated on him, she just fell out of love with him, then moved onto dating and moving in with this other guy in those few months.

My husband and I met online and dated for a year before I moved to his small town to live with him. What was odd and uncomfortable was that the exact month that I moved here, his ex who was living eight hours away at the time moved herself and their one child (who was in senior high at the time)
back to our small town so the daughter could be closer to her boyfriend that she had just met at summer camp here. Odd? Plus her new guy ( the teacher) couldn't move at the drop of a hat so he stayed behind for a year until his term was done. Strange coincidence that she had to move at that time? It made things a little unncomfortable for me, being a newbie in a small town. She still keeps my husband's last name, by the way. So there are 2 Mrs Twinkle Toes in this small town...awkward. Not just that, if she needed any "manly" chores done, guess who she called? Yep, my husband (fiance at the time). Wood for the winter? done! He was even going to buy her travel trailer so she wouldn't have to make payments on it anymore, for "US". I wouldn't accept that, I didn't want her trailer she had bought with her new guy. Besides the child support or putting the girls through college (which was wonderful, by the way, I hate dead beat dads), he would "buy" their things they didn't want to give her extra money. I am talking thousands here...on things he didn't want himself. The trailer was the line I wouldn't let him cross. It was supposedly for "our wedding trailer" as we were having a camping wedding. I don't think so! Was that bad of me to feel that way? Even after her other half finally moved here, when the kids came to visit (they both had grown and moved away by then) and were staying with her, when the new man had to go away for the weekend, they called my husband up to fix up the second bathroom in her house so they could have their own bathroom while they were visiting. This was even though her new man said he would do it when he got back after the weekend trip. My husband was just about tripping over his shoe laces to get out the door to do her bidding. Even though he won't do anything around our home except go to his job. I have to plead for him to take garbage to the dump or get water for the house. When he doesn't he blames it on me, saying he forgot because I don't remind him enough. These are the only two things I ask of him. I have taken over the yard work because it was getting embarrassing and I was tired of asking. When he did the plumbing in the bathroom, I had a big argument with him. I said it was disrespecting her new man, as it was their house together, and how would he feel if my ex showed up and did something like that, how would it make him feel? He said he was just doing it for their daughters and reminded me that I was fine with him interacting with his wife as long as it was in regards to their children. And I am fine with that...but his daughters were staying their for the summer and they only had to wait for 2 days before they would have a 2nd available bathroom. Really?? One bathroom for 3 people for 2 days was an emergency? 

On top of all this, his daughter are very disrespectful to me and my daughter. When we have family get-togethers, my daughter and I do all the cooking and cleaning while his girls and their boyfriends are waited on. This past Christmas, though I had just had a surgery, my daughter and I got all of supper together, when 2 of his girl's friends showed up. They all dished up before my daughter and I andall sat at the kitchen table. We were now short 2 chairs. After my daughter and I had prepared everything for the last 2 days, it would have been nice for someone to offer to grab a couple extra from in the basement. But no, my daughter and I stood there feeling awkward about interupting their conversations and had to go sit in the livingroom down the hall. My husband felt this was just fine when I mentioned it later. It made both my daughter and I feel like we were worth less. When I took him aside and said it would be really nice and fair if his daughter's and their friends could help with clean-up as my daughter and I were tired. He ignored me and started washing up himself angrily passing me or my daughter the dishes, like how dare I expect his princesses to lend a hand. The oldest just smirks at me when she is doing something be-littling to me. The younger just seems to follow her sister's lead, as her sister is very domineering. 

The home we live in is one of the places they built together. I have never felt like this is my home. Especially when I don't receive respect in it. This is also the house-plan she liked and it is neither mine or my husband's taste. I have asked him to touch up the paint just around the windows as it is peeling badly and I am very scared of heights. He said "that's your job." Then my mother-in-law who was visiting and is still great friends with his ex (after all she was the perfect daughter-in-law I am told too) had just got up from her nap and picked up the phone and called the ex and said since we hadn't had any lunch here yet and it was 1:30 maybe her and the ex could go out to lunch. I hadn't even had time too offer her lunch as she had slept from 11:30 to 1:30! So when she got back from the lunch date and the ex had dropped her off, she said the ex wanted to let my husband know the trim wasn't looking too good on the windows and they should be re-painted. Really?? This was none of her business! But as I said, this home doesn't feel like mine. 

That's the thing with his mother too,...if we are all traveling to her area where his daughter's live in the area going to school or work and his ex and her guy are going to their town too at the same time, my MIL will have my husband's ex and her guy stay in the basement suite of her house and my husband and I are to find a hotel. My husband is okay with this. It makes me feel uncomfortable and several of his family members do not like this either. My husband says it is important that his mom stays close to his ex so the relationship with his mother and daughters don't break down. His daughter's are adults!! Not little kids at home anymore! I do understand and support his mom staying friends with his ex as she has known her for a lot longer than me. I am not jealous, I have my own mom who is a wonderful, supportive person. 

But he never seems to even try to get to know my family and is derogitory about any or anyone in my family or his family that are not "perfect in his eyes". Made a mistake in their lives? Made bad choices? Kick them to the curb! They are not even worth talking to, in his eyes. My daughter has had it pretty rough growing up. My first husband was very abusive and from the time she was little, he has had a restraining order against him to keep him away from us. She had been raped at knife point as a teen-ager. And we were not well off as I raised her alone. She has had emotional problems and has made some bad choices in her life, due mostly, I believe, to gain aproval by the then current man in her life. She has really changed and improved her attitude this past year. Though she had to leave college due to a car accident she was in, she has gone on emotion meds, obtained a new job and is really trying HER best. Well his daughter's have degrees or in the process of getting one and never had to work at a summer job through their life. The one daughter is working at a good career but after working for just a couple of years is already talking about how she can't wait to quit work when she gets married... and he still pays for some of her bills. Because my daughter is working at a minimum wage job I have given her a few hundred a month to help her out (out of my own money, her father was a dead-beat). My husband pays his daughter 4x that plus their bills and education, plus whatever they get from their mom. He is resentful of the few hundred I give my daughter. Even though it's from my own paycheck. Oh ya, did I mention I work for him and his company? He has even told me that he is jealous of my daughter and wants her around as little as possible. He only wants her to visit when he isn't around. He feels she is disrespectful to him and can't let go about her former bad attitude. Even though she has really tried to have a relationship with him. I can't even have a camping trip with both of them along unless it's either just him and I or her and I. He doesn't want to be around her. After all he says, we married each other, not our families! And his girl's? all they have to say is the word's "thank-you daddy!" for him to say, "see, they really appreciate the things I do for them, your daughter doesn't apreciate the things done for her." Even his family are upset how he treats her when she gets along with all of them (except the MIL) and his girls are snobbish to his family. They won't even acknowledge them when they speak or message them. I told my husband that it is hurtful, especially to his one close sister. I was wondering why he didn't encourage them to talk to their aunt or acknowledge her. He said they didn't have to because she wasn't friends with his ex. His sister didn't want to be friends with the woman that cheated on her brother, but she never would speak bad of his ex around the girls. He won't see that she felt like I did, that she hated knowing this woman hurt her brother.

He says all the time that he loves me, ....but he never seems to understand that actions speak louder than words. Yes he takes me on wonderful trips, buys me gifts, but he doesn't ever reach out and touch me for no reason, or be affectionate. In bed even! His signal that he wants to make love? He lays on his back instead of his side (his position for sleeping). I am to know then that that's his hint. Now it just makes me mad! I am not possibly worth reaching over those 6" to touch me? I am to always come to him or make the first move?

He says he has made so many changes for me! Like what? Give me space in his house to live in and allows my small dog to sleep in our bed when he hates pets? I mean, what would he do if my ex was still in the picture? I always ask him if the shoe was on the other foot and it was my ex, how would he feel? He says that is totally different and there is no way of knowing because that doesn't apply. 

I just don't know what to do. On the one hand, things are wonderful when it is just the two of us. And I do love him very much. But my daughter lives in our small town too and has no-one else here but us so likes to visit 1-2x per week. To him that is too much. 

I know our kids are adults, but they are still a part of us.

Will he ever feel as if I am as important as the mother-of-his-children? 

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place...he is my husband and my job. If I leave him, I leave both. 

I do love him, and don't want to call it quits. I have tried talking to him and I have tried writing him letters, to no avail. Things get better for a bit, then he goes back to his old ways. He says that I am saying he is not supportive enough, yet he helps me financially and has been there during a difficult surgery years ago. But he doesn't seem to understand I need him to be supportive in the little ways, the emotional ways and the helpful ways. I want him to love me and want to be affectionate towards me. I need his help sometimes with home chores. I don't expect him to have to love my daughter, I just want him to respect her from where she has come from and what has moulded her. As a person.

What do I do?? How can I make him understand?

Sorry that this post is so long....there is a lot of build-up and I needed to vent!:soapbox:


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

I'm sorry but it sounds like he hasn't gotten over his ex. I really think you need to go to marriage counseling. If he won't go then go to individual counseling for yourself.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Did any of these issues exist before you married him? Or did they start after marriage? For instance, you mentioned living in the ex's house and how this bothers you... Where did you live before, and is it feasible financially just to up and get another house because the layout bothers you (in this economy, it might not be feasible).. just wondering.


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## Twinkle Toes (Jul 3, 2012)

With living in a small, remote town there are no marriage counsellors available and personal counsellors are a 3 hr drive away.

Not all these issues existed before I married him. Some did but not as extreme as after I married him. The issues with his daughters I thought would get better with time and as they got to know me better. And in the beginning, he was very supportive of my daughter and gave lots of good advice to her and me. Once she messed up, and had to move to our town where we live, that all changed.
He built 3 houses for his wife. He said that at the time she said her unhappiness was from the current house she lived in. So he kept building them for her. (I say re-arranging chairs (houses) on a ship going down) Then she left him with the last house, and took everything else he had, and half what the house was worth. I sold my home where I was to move here, it was easier for me to leave my job, as he owned his business and had several employees to consider. Economically, it is just not feasible for us to move. And I don't ever want him to think I would do as his ex-wife did and just start demanding he started building another house. He knows we both don't like the house. It feels like I am under her shadow both physically and metaphorically.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

From my own experience, it appears to me that men will change their habits faster before you marry them than afterwards.

Now that you are married to him, I am not sure what to advise except, decide what your needs are and just get them. If he can build 3 houses for his, he can certainly build at least one for you.....and so on.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Every time he talks about his ex... leave the room.. or give him the cold shoulder.

Do not talk to him about her. When it is clear that he is getting the message & wants to have a sit down conversation with you... tell him you do not want a relationship where you are second fiddle to his ex.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You can't (make him understand.)
You are codependent. 
Your entire post talks about you constantly doing things for him and his family, and only taking what is offered. You seem to have a very high and disporportionate notion of your 'obligations' as a wife. You made a promise and you moved in with him. But you didn't know how it was going to be. Now that you know how it is, your feelings are stuck in history, before you experienced this new and unexpected environment. You want your feelings to be the same, so you are holding onto them. You need to hit the re-set button in there Sweetie, and start feeling, and acting, according to the new information, regardless of what kind of promises or contracts you signed up for. Stop behaving according to the old information. Pay attention to your current feelings, not the feelings you want to have or used to have. Be in the present and deal with it.

You are stuck with some kind of equation that you think is proved...if I do x, y, z then I should be rewarded or reciprocated with a, b, c. But clearly that's not the case. Your real equation is if I do x, y, z I am going to feel like cr*p and then I will do x, y, z again, and add u, v, w for good measure.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

Twinkle Toes said:


> Hi! I need some advice. I love my husband very much. We have been in a relationship for 5 yrs, distance for 1 yr, lived together for 1 yr and have been married for 3 yrs. This is both of our second marriages. All of our children are grown up and don't live with us. The problem I am having is that he keeps his ex-wife and their daughters together on a pedastal. While my daughter and I can do no right in his eyes.
> 
> His ex left him 7 years before we met. He didn't have another relationship until he met me. The ex-wife moved every belonging that was in the house they had together into her new relationship's house (literally, all that was left was the curtains!)...oh did I mention this new relationship was their children's teacher? Now according to my husband, he says they were physically seperated for a few months before she did this. They still lived in the same house, just him sleeping in the spare room. He says that she never cheated on him, she would "never do that, she was not that kind of person."Well, we live in a small town and I got to be friends with a person through work who used to be the ex wife's's former best friend. She had stopped being friends with her because she couldn't stand the way his ex-wife treated him and how she openly had an affair with this teacher. Many of his family members feel the same way. Now loving him like I do, it hurts me to think of how she hurt him and treated him, whether he was aware or not.
> 
> ...


I am going thru something similar but not as bad as you. Sorry you are going thru this. I agree with another poster, I would distance myself from his ex and his kids a bit and walk out every time he talks about his ex.

We live in the same house he did with 2 ex's! I have never felt like this house is mine. I wish we could sell and start over but housing market won't allow it. 

His kids pics are all over the place and mine are in a spare bedroom.

His kids are wonderful and can do no wrong. Mine are deadbeats who don't have good jobs, are useless and don't make any money.

His kids are king and queen of the world. They make tons of money. Well I am sorry I could not afford to send my kids thru college after my divorce. My kids are good people and that's all I care about.

His son is very cold to me so I avoid him. Thank goodness he and his wife live far away.

Understand what you are going thru.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

I agree with you being codependent. I also agree with walking away every time he starts talking about his ex. If you can't go to counseling read some books about codependency while trying to find counseling. Do what you need to do to make yourself and your daughter feel important. Whether he likes it or not. You don't want your daughter to think this kind of treatment is acceptable.

I had to deal with a bit of this when I was first dating my husband, 15 years ago. Lived right down the street from his ex. She would call him to go get her milk. Call him to fix her car. He'd come home to a message on his machine saying I'm going to drop off your son early in the morning to you when it wasn't even his time to see him. Not caring what his plans were only hers.

I asked him if he wanted to get back together with her. If he did I would just walk away. No hard feelings, we had just been dating a couple of months. He said no way I really want to be with you. I explained to him that I could not be with someone that jumped every time another woman snapped her fingers. She's single and she has to start acting single. If he continued I was gone. The next time she called because something was wrong with her car, he told her to take it to a mechanic. He was busy.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You make some good points. That said, if you talk the way you post, you can l lose his interest quickly. Make one or two points, give him a compliment sandwich before and after, and see if it helps. He shouldn't be doing any home construction in her house. 

You should not be nasty to his children simply because he has problems with yours. One thing has nothing to do with the other. 
Your daughter does not have to love him, she should be respectful to him. I have two step-children and one together; I love all the children and work very, very hard not to compare them, and instead appreciate each's strengths. 

If his children are doing well, you have to STOP BEING jealous or resentful of him for saying that. Your response must be, it's great that Pam got the new job. By criticizing his children and putting them in the middle, you are bringing him closer to his ex-wife, because they obviously have their love for the children in common. 

Be pleasant and respectful with his mother. Please do not keep creating fights if you want to get along with him. Maybe she likes you, maybe she doesn't, maybe she's just a pain in the ___ , in any case, be pleasant and respectful. 

Hopefully by not participating in this Hatfield/McCoy war, you can bring him closer to you.


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## Twinkle Toes (Jul 3, 2012)

Bobby5000 said:


> You make some good points. That said, if you talk the way you post, you can l lose his interest quickly. Make one or two points, give him a compliment sandwich before and after, and see if it helps. He shouldn't be doing any home construction in her house.
> 
> You should not be nasty to his children simply because he has problems with yours. One thing has nothing to do with the other.
> Your daughter does not have to love him, she should be respectful to him. I have two step-children and one together; I love all the children and work very, very hard not to compare them, and instead appreciate each's strengths.
> ...


Hi,

Actually I never criticize his children, either to them or to him. The incident at Christmas was because I had said to my husband that my daughter and I were tired and it would be nice if they could clean up since we had done all the prep as well as put on a BBQ for our snowmobile lunch for the whole extended family. Her and I had cleaned, packed and unpacked the bbq stuff prior to preparing the dinner. We were tired. I wasn't being nasty, I just asked him if he could ask them because they ignored me when I said it would sure be nice if everyone pitched in with clean-up.

I am equally proud of his girl's accomplishment as my daughter's. They are brilliantly smart. I tell him and them how amazing they are and praise their accomplishments. In fact, much more than he does. I don't think it's wrong that in private, I let him know if something is hurtful to me. Am I supposed to be a doormat? Eyerolls and out-right rudeness I thought should go out of fashion after they have left teen years. I have pretty thick skin, but when a woman in her mid-twenties puts her hand on her boyfriend and shakes her head at him when I suggest helping and he starts to stand up,...should that not feel hurtful to me? I let my husband know if something hurts.

My MIL, I am never rude to either and go out of my way with her as our guest and send all the mother's day and birthday flowers/cards to her from us both. I have never had a fight with her. I am always pleasant and respectful. And I have never questioned or complained to her about his ex and her man staying at her place. I don't understand it, neither can many of his siblings and it's them that are vocal about it. But it is her choice and her home. 

And FYI...I don't talk as I post...as I wrote, I was venting on my soapbox as I said. If you lost interest, you didn't have to be bothered reading it.

Cheers!


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

I don't know how helpful this would be but have you tried reading His Needs Her Needs together? I really think counseling of some sort would be better but maybe reading the book might help him realize some of your needs. Like the affection you mentioned. He may not realize how important emotional support is to you.

I'd also keep an eye on him with the ex. If my husband was trying to go redo her bathroom for her while her husband is away, I'd ask him if it was big enough for him to sleep in, because that's where he'll be.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

With clean up problem you and your daughter shouldn't have cleaned it up,and if he had problem with it tell him it was supposed to be his daughters job and he didn't tell them to do it so its his job now.

Next time they don't do their half of the job you don't do it for them because if you continue doing it why should they start helping out if they know you will do it yourself anyway if they don't?

You are being doormat and more of a maid for him and his daughters ,if he can't respect you you should leave him and find someone who will.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

He does not appear to have gotten over his ex-wife and perhaps she has not gotten over him, and her relationship with the new guy is not that solid. Your mother-in-law may perceive this too, and despite the divorce, parts of the old family remain, seemingly ready to be reassembled. Your concerns are legitimate, though as always with women, I am not sure how nagging and complaining makes someone like you better or want to make the relationship closer. 

While you said, "Actually I never criticize his children, either to them or to him." you also wrote, "on top of all this, his daughter are very disrespectful to me and my daughter. When we have family get-togethers, my daughter and I do all the cooking and cleaning while his girls and their boyfriends are waited on." 

I don't think complaining about his kids is the way to resolve your serious problems. Stepparenting is a tough job, and there is some obvious tension here. The lack of a good relationship with his children is a serious problem, but your solution, tell him to his children to like and respect you may not do the job. 

Just as you should be respectful to his children, he should be respectful to your daughter. Your daughter should come first. If there was a function where it seemed she was doing disproportionate work, you probably should have told her to sit down. You can continue but your daughter should not be treated unequally. Ultimately you have to think about whether this is working for her. 

This is a situation where counseling is needed for a seriously troubled marriage. There are more things wrong than right here. Many of the classic problems in second marriages, treatment of children, commitment, have not been resolved. Your husband has not truly terminated his first marriage as indicated by his location, continuing involvement with his wife, and other conduct. 

I'd be more inclined to ask him in a calm manner, do you think our marriage is working and if not, how do you want to address that. Calmly ask him if he is ready to make some signficant changes for the sake of the marriage and if not, you have to evaluate whether this is working for you and your daughter. While I usually would not involve children, I'd probably ask your daughter what she thought. The classic question is are you better off staying or leaving and I am not sure how this should be answered from your various posts. Since he is likewise not sure of the answer for you or him, that may explain why he seems to keep his first love as a backup regardless of how she treated him. 






The incident at Christmas was because I had said to my husband that my daughter and I were tired and it would be nice if they could clean up since we had done all the prep as well as put on a BBQ for our snowmobile lunch for the whole extended family. Her and I had cleaned, packed and unpacked the bbq stuff prior to preparing the dinner. We were tired. I wasn't being nasty, I just asked him if he could ask them because they ignored me when I said it would sure be nice if everyone pitched in with clean-up.

I am equally proud of his girl's accomplishment as my daughter's. They are brilliantly smart. I tell him and them how amazing they are and praise their accomplishments. In fact, much more than he does. I don't think it's wrong that in private, I let him know if something is hurtful to me. Am I supposed to be a doormat? Eyerolls and out-right rudeness I thought should go out of fashion after they have left teen years. I have pretty thick skin, but when a woman in her mid-twenties puts her hand on her boyfriend and shakes her head at him when I suggest helping and he starts to stand up,...should that not feel hurtful to me? I let my husband know if something hurts.

My MIL, I am never rude to either and go out of my way with her as our guest and send all the mother's day and birthday flowers/cards to her from us both. I have never had a fight with her. I am always pleasant and respectful. And I have never questioned or complained to her about his ex and her man staying at her place. I don't understand it, neither can many of his siblings and it's them that are vocal about it. But it is her choice and her home. 

And FYI...I don't talk as I post...as I wrote, I was venting on my soapbox as I said. If you lost interest, you didn't have to be bothered reading it.

Cheers![/QUOTE]


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