# Finally Made Decision - Lost Mother and Sister



## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

As most of you know, I have problems with my father and the fact that my mother and sister hang on to him for his money. Many of you have told me to get over it and were sick of hearing me whine but do nothing about it.

Well I have. I have cut all ties with my family. My dad's brother just died and I didn't send flowers nor did I call the family (we all hated Billy but I guess when someone dies, you forget what a jerk they were in real life).

I feel pretty good without the constant calls and the pushing and judging and guilt trips. But I do miss the relationship I had with my sister especially. We were of one mind and now she wants nothing to do with me. I turned my back on the family, she turned her back on me. She used to be my partner in crime, felt the exact same way as I did about our parents, but somewhere along the way she changed.

I believe she has borderline personality like my father and the older she gets, the more difficult she becomes. Has anyone gone through this? Can anyone give me some advice to help my mourning period go better? I realize I am mourning someone who no longer exists, but the pain is still there. Any suggestions?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The longer you break ties, the easier it becomes and down the road you MAY be able to have a relationship with them, without being so codependent and needy.

I did the same with my mom. I didn't speak to her for 3 months (she has some issues...BPD symptoms) and then slowly eased back into it but she learned my boundaries and respects them.

Also, the longer you're away, the easy it gets and the more you enjoy your freedom.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Thank you! You are so right. I really hope to someday have a relationship with them but a more healthy one for all of us. I think we will be okay, it will just take some time. I just happen to be an impatient person


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your sister is not BPD. She's greedy and codependent just like your mom.

Give it time. Do the 180 on them! Let them see that they are missing out on by pushing you away. And by the way, that is what happened. They pushed you away with their codependent behavior towards your dad. 

Your dad will die someday. Where will that leave them? If you have any parting words to them you might want to remind them of that. 

Frankly, I think you are better off without them, and as time goes on and the pain of separation disipates, you will come to see that also.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

that_girl said:


> The longer you break ties, the easier it becomes and down the road you MAY be able to have a relationship with them, without being so codependent and needy.
> 
> I did the same with my mom. I didn't speak to her for 3 months (she has some issues...BPD symptoms) and then slowly eased back into it but she learned my boundaries and respects them.
> 
> Also, the longer you're away, the easy it gets and the more you enjoy your freedom.


This. I had problems with my family and I ended up making the same decision you have, to cut them out completely.... We all had a few parting words and I was prepared to go on living my life without them... It happened quicker than I thought - in that they came around to accepting my decisions in life and everyone is happy and civil now. It was a few months of no communication - That was hard... But what was harder on me was the tension that was always lingering before I stood my ground on my own boundaries. 

I do wonder how some family members can judge so harshly or just be plain cruel when all we want is peace. But it really is what it is and sometimes extreme measures have to be taken so that we can have a peaceful life. 

{{{Hugs to you}}} You are doing a very difficult thing, and you are not alone.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Thanks for taking the time to post such positive and helpful posts. You guys make sense and I still really feel I am doing the right thing. I miss laughing with them and when something funny happens, I institutionally go for the phone and then I remember what is going on and I get very sad. But I cannot go back to the toxic relationship we had so that makes my distance easier to handle.


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## capricorngirl_99 (Feb 7, 2012)

I am glad that you did the right thing! I am glad that you removed the negative energy so you can begin the road to a more positive life. You have a beautiful, strong soul and a great head on your shoulders, so with time, you will become a more confident person. Kudos to you!


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

capricorngirl_99 said:


> I am glad that you did the right thing! I am glad that you removed the negative energy so you can begin the road to a more positive life. You have a beautiful, strong soul and a great head on your shoulders, so with time, you will become a more confident person. Kudos to you!


What a sweet and kind thing to say to me. Thank you so much. I even made more of a break today. I was noticing my mother and sister have a love fest on Facebook, which they never did before, they text each other constantly. I can't text cause I cannot afford it. It seemed like they were posting on Facebook to hurt me in some way. Either way, I unfriended both of them because no matter how tough I sound, it hurt me to be left out even though it is my decision to be left out. Arggggghhh! This is going to take some time for me to be okay with but so far, so good. NO ANXIETY ATTACKS, that is worth all the gold in the world to me.


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## capricorngirl_99 (Feb 7, 2012)

I understand how bad it makes you feel when your mother talks about you AND your fiance behind your back. My own mother does it and masks as if she is "only trying to help me", when it does nothing but hurt me and lower my self esteem. For example, for 8 mos, we have had to live with my fiance's parents because my mom objected to both of us living at her house when my fiance lost his job. My fiance just now found a job and we are back on our own again. His parents have been having health problems, so they couldn't help us. My parents came in to help us move and got to meet my in laws in the process. Then I was on Facebook talking to my mother yesterday and she made sure that my fiance wasn't in the room before she asked "Has their (in laws) house always been that dirty? Your dad cried because you had to live in that filth." My parents are negative people who always have something bad to say about everyone because they are both perfectionists and believe that they don't make any mistakes. I wish at times, I can make the same decision you did. 

I believe that you can get through it while it hurts not having your family around, if you can call them your family rather than greedy a-holes. The only thing that is holding them together are purse strings, not love. Who wants to be a part of that? I am glad that you have a good heart and didn't fall for your dad's ways. You need to keep your distance from them as much as possible. Good luck dear! If you ever need anything, feel free to send me as many PMs as possible! We are all here to help one another through our parental struggles!


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## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

Unfriend them on facebook too. Make them miss you.
My husband has recently cut off his family. Even though they unfriended him, his sister and sister in law were still friends with me. That way they could keep a distant eye on him without actually reaching out. If I posted about his medical issues or a car accident, then they would spread the info around the family and somebody would call him, acting concerned. If they were really concerned about his welfare, they would call on a regular basis.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I cut ties with my toxic parents 14 years ago. The first year was the hardest. After that only holidays bothered me. Now I could care less and I see it as a total blessing. I couldn't fully heal until they were out of my life for good.

My sincere advice is to not try to avoid the pain. The only way out is through it. It will get better I promise.


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