# Husband not interested



## cindy12 (Sep 1, 2011)

I posted this in the general relationship forum, hoping that I am not dealing with infidelity; but who knows, it may well be.

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have 2 young children. He works away from home regularly since he works with a travelling theatre show. Since his return from his last trip, he seemed to have been more secretive; he's locked his mobile handset, which he had not done before, and had shown to have lost interest in me and what has been going on in my life. I have always been supportive of what he wants to do professionally, having given up work for 5 years to raise the kids. Now that they are both at school full-time, I am currently employed and keep myself busy by attending night classes one night a week. When I confronted him about a text message I saw on his phone, he was defensive, deleted the message and claimed she's just a friend and an acquaintance he made when he was on his last trip. Until then, I never had doubts on whether I could trust him, but I do somehow find it harder to trust him now, especially since out of anger he threatened to walk out twice. Things are not the same anymore, he doesn't seem to show much interest in trying to make it work in contrast to me trying too hard. He flatly refused to attend counselling. 

His mobile is one which he tops up the credit regularly, not on a contract, hence I may not be able to gain access to any form of itemised billing.

Tensions are running high in the house, we do not seem to talk anymore, and even basic pleasantries come out to be such an effort. I am determined to make my marriage work, but I do not seem to know how.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Cindy,

One approach would be to pick a moment when you feel like you can remain calm and focused, despite any buttons he will try and push, and sit him down and say. I am worried about us, and the way things have been since you return. One symptom of the situation is your now locked phone that you keep with you everywhere. I am asking you to unlock it here in front of me. I'm you're wife and we shouldn't have secrets coming between us.

If he refuses to unlock, and he will. Remain clam and tell him, right now from his protection of the phone over opening up to you, you have no choice but to assume the worst and that means that he is crossing relationship boundaries with someone else. Does he want you to do that, or does he want to open the phone ?

Yes, this will take a lot of work to pull off, but it's better than letting it fester.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I think the signs are there. Hopefully you wont choose to ignore them. If its proof you are looking for, then you need to decide ahead of time what your plans are once you have the proof and know for sure.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Cindy,
> 
> One approach would be to pick a moment when you feel like you can remain calm and focused, despite any buttons he will try and push, and sit him down and say. I am worried about us, and the way things have been since you return. One symptom of the situation is your now locked phone that you keep with you everywhere. I am asking you to unlock it here in front of me. I'm you're wife and we shouldn't have secrets coming between us.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
IMO this is EXACTLY what you need to do!!! But be prepared. He's likely to gas light you (try to convince you you're crazy/controlling as a diversion). If you go this route don't let him deflect you.

BTW - a suddenly locked cell phone is a very bad sign.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I think its great you are determined to make your marriage work. Remember though, you need the other half to want to make it work as well. 

I think you do need to sit down with him and let him know your concern for the marriage. However, since he may already know you know something is up, chances are he wont come clean with anything, he more than likely will just hide things better. 

Even if he were to unlock his phone doesn't mean anything has stopped or changed, he might just be going about things more secretly now since he knows you are aware something is off. Not trying to sound negative or discouraging, but sometimes its best to look at the whole picture on what may or may not be happening.

IF he were to come clean or you were to find out for sure another way something was going on, do you plan on staying? What if he is so far checked out, that even if you wanted to work on things and he didn't, do you have a back up plan? It is something to think about.


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## cindy12 (Sep 1, 2011)

Thanks everyone for your helpful feedback; I must say I don't know what to do, or maybe am afraid to accept it if it's true and have no back up plan. I am just afraid that it's all true and that I will have to accept it and deal with it. 

Getting him to sit down or even stay in the same room to talk it over will be a challenge, so much so that it's reduced me to just getting on with it in my own quiet way. I just hope in time (and not in too long a time too), I will find a way or the courage to do it. I don't want to be hasty especially if it's something which will change the kids' lives.

I know I sound rather silly but I have to put my hands up and say I am scared of knowing the truth.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

The overwhelming rule of thumb you need to remember right now - listen to your gut instinct. Good Luck. Remember, bad news doesn't get better by ignoring it.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

cindy12 said:


> Thanks everyone for your helpful feedback; I must say I don't know what to do, or maybe am afraid to accept it if it's true and have no back up plan. I am just afraid that it's all true and that I will have to accept it and deal with it.
> 
> Getting him to sit down or even stay in the same room to talk it over will be a challenge, so much so that it's reduced me to just getting on with it in my own quiet way. I just hope in time (and not in too long a time too), I will find a way or the courage to do it. I don't want to be hasty especially if it's something which will change the kids' lives.
> 
> I know I sound rather silly but I have to put my hands up and say I am scared of knowing the truth.


Trust me when I say..knowing is better...you don't want this thing to sucker punch you later on.


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## cindy12 (Sep 1, 2011)

Yes I agree, I DO want to know, and want to straighten things out once and for all; but the fact that I don't have financial backing/a plan/family & or friends in this country, it's going to be something I need to think long and hard before making any decisions. Though it's still bearably 'okay' at the moment, I can't help thinking about it, and am just building up the courage for a proper confrontational 'showdown' - hopefully armed with viable proof.
Thanks for your encouragement and ideas, they do help!


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