# How can I make myself confident?



## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

When I was back in school, I was bullied and put down everyday, it wasn't just by a few people, it was like, the whole year on my case. I am now 20, but the things they said to me and the fact that I was called ugly everyday, really knocked my confidence, so much, that my confidence is still low even though it was 4 years ago. I have a boyfriend and I am happy and that, but I just have no confidence, I put myself down constantly, and I pin point every fault with myself or my body. I just can't seem to get my confidence back, :-(, also, because I'm not confident, it makes me paranoid that I will lose my boyfriend. I have only been with him 5months, but it still feels like a dream. I am so happy with him. Is there anything anyone can suggest that will boost my confidence back up again please?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The best, most enduring, and most important parts of you are not visible. Relationship success has next to nothing to do with what you look like. I can tell you with 100% certainty that whatever anyone looks like, that's going to change. You don't want a boyfriend, husband, or whatever who values you primarily for your looks. Are you an honorable person? Compassionate? Caring? Reasonably intelligent? Joyful? If you are these things, you are great partner material and you are head and shoulders above most of the popular "hotties" you see. You don't see hot 90 year olds but you do see married ones. You don't meet kids who adore their mothers because their mother is hot. Unless you intend to work for Hugh Hefner or Hooter's, your employer isn't going to care what you look like as long as you look like you're working and you look like you know what you're doing. There should only be maybe 5 people on earth who's opinion you give a rat's behind about. The only people in your life who matter are those who love you as you are now and who'd still equally love you if you were hideously burned in a fire. If you want to build your confidence, start by taking a personal inventory of the assets that actually matter. Then, build on your natural gifts by learning new skills, taking on challenges, becoming a little "more" every day. Soon, your confidence will come from your accomplishments. You'll know you can defeat the next obstacle because you have defeated several others. People will value you more because you will have increased your value. You will also find yourself surrounded by people worth knowing and not idiots who judge others on the basis of appearance and who've never experienced the wonder of having an intelligent thought.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> The best, most enduring, and most important parts of you are not visible. Relationship success has next to nothing to do with what you look like. I can tell you with 100% certainty that whatever anyone looks like, that's going to change. You don't want a boyfriend, husband, or whatever who values you primarily for your looks. Are you an honorable person? Compassionate? Caring? Reasonably intelligent? Joyful? If you are these things, you are great partner material and you are head and shoulders above most of the popular "hotties" you see. You don't see hot 90 year olds but you do see married ones. You don't meet kids who adore their mothers because their mother is hot. Unless you intend to work for Hugh Hefner or Hooter's, your employer isn't going to care what you look like as long as you look like you're working and you look like you know what you're doing. There should only be maybe 5 people on earth who's opinion you give a rat's behind about. The only people in your life who matter are those who love you as you are now and who'd still equally love you if you were hideously burned in a fire. If you want to build your confidence, start by taking a personal inventory of the assets that actually matter. Then, build on your natural gifts by learning new skills, taking on challenges, becoming a little "more" every day. Soon, your confidence will come from your accomplishments. You'll know you can defeat the next obstacle because you have defeated several others. People will value you more because you will have increased your value. You will also find yourself surrounded by people worth knowing and not idiots who judge others on the basis of appearance and who've never experienced the wonder of having an intelligent thought.


Thank you so much for your comment. I am caring, and compassionate.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I figured as much. Think of the people who are really important to you. What makes them important? I'm betting it has nothing to do with their looks. The swan and the gator don't look alike but they are both beautiful, both perfect, both masterfully designed to do what they were created to do. You were designed in the image of God Almighty, Creator of the whole universe, exactly perfect in every way for a purpose only you can fulfill. What mortal can pooh pooh that?


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> I figured as much. Think of the people who are really important to you. What makes them important? I'm betting it has nothing to do with their looks. The swan and the gator don't look alike but they are both beautiful, both perfect, both masterfully designed to do what they were created to do. You were designed in the image of God Almighty, Creator of the whole universe, exactly perfect in every way for a purpose only you can fulfill. What mortal can pooh pooh that?


Well, the main important person in my life is my boyfriend, he is important because I think fate actually brought us together, because I met him years ago but we never actually spoke and it was a one off thing, I never saw him again, then, one day, I met him again, I thought he looked familiar but I couldn't figure out where I had seen him before. And we got talking, and I remembered that he was that guy I saw years back that day. We got together a month after talking and we have now been together 5months,.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Knowing what your values are and identifying yourself as a spiritual being honoring those values, in all of the things you do on your own as well as in any relationship, will give you a base of confidence that might shake every once in a while, but won't crumble.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Unhappy2011 said:


> I would even wonder if you were picked on because somebody saw you as competition?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I really don't know,but being called ugly and that all day, everyday, has proper destroyed my confidence and that, :-(.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

One of the best posts ever unbelievable.



unbelievable said:


> Are you an honorable person? Compassionate? Caring? Reasonably intelligent? Joyful? If you are these things, you are great partner material and you are head and shoulders above most of the popular "hotties" you see.


 Carol was not visually attractive to me when I met her for a variety of reasons. That didn't stop me from falling madly in love with her. What I saw was a woman who had honor, strength, courage, honesty and self-awareness. I was hooked from the beginning. I have never in my life dated a hottie nor do I want to. While broad generalizations are always unfair, women who knew they were beautiful growing up get a crutch that, in my experience, frequently leads to character weakness later in life. This very struggle that you are facing now, if it doesn't crush you, will be a thing which makes you stronger... a thing a "hottie" never encountered.

While Carol was not really attractive to me visually, she was WAY attractive to me emotionally. Not surprisingly, she has changed over time (as have I) to be much, much more visually appealing (to me). When you think about it, wearing different make-up, growing out her hair, wearing different clothes, and even shed a few pounds are all easy, easy things to do when compared against things like _"develop internal strength"_ and _"find a sense of honor"_. It was trivially easy for Carol to become the hottie of my dreams once she figured out that was a good thing to do. 



> There should only be maybe 5 people on earth who's opinion you give a rat's behind about.


That's something I am often mystified by... why people care about the opinions of random strangers and/or obvious idiots. In my life, someone needs to make me respect them before I care what their opinions are. It's a short list.



> If you want to build your confidence, start by taking a personal inventory of the assets that actually matter. Then, build on your natural gifts by learning new skills, taking on challenges, becoming a little "more" every day. Soon, your confidence will come from your accomplishments. You'll know you can defeat the next obstacle because you have defeated several others.


Again, perfectly stated. One doesn't just dream up a sense of confidence. It's built upon actual, real-world success. So find something your good at and become excellent at it. Live, grow, accumulate successes. Then score yourself fairly 

Really OP, if this is largely centered around physical beauty then you need to reconsider because while I am a guy like all others and love looking at beautiful women yada yada.... that is far from the most important thing in the world to me. Eye candy is just that... candy. It is no substance in and of itself. AND, as I noted, it's not really all that hard to maximize whatever you have once your in a relationship. After all, there's now an audience of just one. Fine tuning to his tastes shouldn't be all that difficult if you feel like it.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Jeff/BC said:


> One of the best posts ever unbelievable.
> 
> Carol was not visually attractive to me when I met her for a variety of reasons. That didn't stop me from falling madly in love with her. What I saw was a woman who had honor, strength, courage, honesty and self-awareness. I was hooked from the beginning. I have never in my life dated a hottie nor do I want to. While broad generalizations are always unfair, women who knew they were beautiful growing up get a crutch that, in my experience, frequently leads to character weakness later in life. This very struggle that you are facing now, if it doesn't crush you, will be a thing which makes you stronger... a thing a "hottie" never encountered.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your comment. And well, at the moment, I am trying to build on my career, I am doing a Teaching Assistant Course and that, and as a hobbie, me and the boyfriend take pictures of landscapes and that. He is a really good photographer and he was saying that he wants to take portrait pictures of me. I just want to build up the confidence to be able to help him.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> I put myself down constantly, and I pin point every fault with myself or my body.


It starts with learning to control your thoughts. This for example is nothing more than a bad habit and it needs to stop. When you catch yourself putting yourself down gently tell yourself its not true then state something positive to counter the negativity. Everyday instead of finding fault with your body focus on what you like about it.

If you are unable to do this on your own I HIGHLY suggest you seek some type of counseling to help you with it as this won't just magically get better without some effort on your part.

You are very wise to recognize this at your age and it's totally fixable. Knowing you have a problem is half the battle.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> When I was back in school, I was bullied and put down everyday, it wasn't just by a few people, it was like, the whole year on my case. I am now 20, but the things they said to me and the fact that I was called ugly everyday, really knocked my confidence, so much, that my confidence is still low even though it was 4 years ago. I have a boyfriend and I am happy and that, but I just have no confidence, I put myself down constantly, and I pin point every fault with myself or my body. I just can't seem to get my confidence back, :-(, also, because I'm not confident, it makes me paranoid that I will lose my boyfriend. I have only been with him 5months, but it still feels like a dream. I am so happy with him. Is there anything anyone can suggest that will boost my confidence back up again please?


Your self confidence and more importantly, your self image is a product of your thoughts. Understandably in the past, an overwhelming group of people were able to overpower your spirit and leave you thinking and believing negative things about yourself. Take control of your thinking. Work on running positive self-affirming thoughts through your mind every day. Identify the negative thoughts and stop them before they run their destructive course. 30 days of this and you will be a new person inside


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> It starts with learning to control your thoughts. This for example is nothing more than a bad habit and it needs to stop. When you catch yourself putting yourself down gently tell yourself its not true then state something positive to counter the negativity. Everyday instead of finding fault with your body focus on what you like about it.
> 
> If you are unable to do this on your own I HIGHLY suggest you seek some type of counseling to help you with it as this won't just magically get better without some effort on your part.
> 
> You are very wise to recognize this at your age and it's totally fixable. Knowing you have a problem is half the battle.


Thank you for your comment.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Your self confidence and more importantly, your self image is a product of your thoughts. Understandably in the past, an overwhelming group of people were able to overpower your spirit and leave you thinking and believing negative things about yourself. Take control of your thinking. Work on running positive self-affirming thoughts through your mind every day. Identify the negative thoughts and stop them before they run their destructive course. 30 days of this and you will be a new person inside


Thank you, .


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I love so many things stated above, feels like it's hard to contribute more.

Just one thought though: it sounds like you don't fully accept and love yourself. IMO that's the key to self confidence is accepting who you are, recognizing what you want to change in yourself (and working towards those changes), and loving yourself.

If you don't love and accept yourself you will never have self confidence. Perhaps I'm misreading into what you are saying about yourself though...


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Browncoat said:


> I love so many things stated above, feels like it's hard to contribute more.
> 
> Just one thought though: it sounds like you don't fully accept and love yourself. IMO that's the key to self confidence is accepting who you are, recognizing what you want to change in yourself (and working towards those changes), and loving yourself.
> 
> If you don't love and accept yourself you will never have self confidence. Perhaps I'm misreading into what you are saying about yourself though...


I just don't like anything about myself. And when my boyfriend compliments me, I deny it and say I'm not pretty or something.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Xbaby,

Never leave your happiness, your confidence, your self-esteem, or your future in the hands of anyone else. You are the captain of your own ship and if you don't love and believe in yourself, nobody else will have much reason to.


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