# My Husband believes he has no friends -- and it's bringing him down!



## lillady23 (Oct 2, 2009)

My husband has never been one to have lots and lots of friends; he is more the type to have a few good friends. During college, all his good friends from high schools went off and didn't make much of an effort to stay in touch, despite my husband's emails and texts. During college, he made some good friends, but the same thing happened once college ended. He now is beginning to think that HE is the problem, and it's difficult to hear because I think he's funny, sociable, caring, and generous. He often goes out of his way to help his friends and makes an effort to see them, but it seems as if the favors are hardly returned. While he hanging out with his friends, it's awesome -- everyone is laughing and having a good time, but when it comes to initiation, keeping in touch, invitations, etc, it seems as if no one wants to. 

I am a pretty astute person, and would definitely have caught on had I felt that he was personally sabotaging himself, had some creepy personality trait, or was choosing bad friends -- but he hasn't. I almost feel it is as if his friends are the problem (the ones that my husband has the hardest time "getting over" are his single college friends, who were fairly immature, but they manage to keep in touch with each other, just not with my husband). 

However, my husband continues to think HE is the problem (and he may be, but i don't think that this is the issue), and it's starting to take a toll on his self-esteem and he feels continuously hurt/shunned. How do I help him out and a) convince him he's not the problem b) lift his self-esteem and c) find some friends who know how to commit?! I've tried to have people over to our house, go to their house, taken trips to encourage all these friendships...and just when i start to think "oh ok these guys are cool, they'll maintain a friendship," they fall short.

My husband is a wonderful guy and is always willing to help people with their problems and their woes -- he's a giver! But it seems as if he's being taken advantage of  He's not needy or insensitive, so i just can't figure it out and its driving me crazy!!


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## hideandseek (Sep 21, 2009)

Okay, it sounds like his friends are in a different stage of life than him (perhaps they are single and he is married?). If he has any interests he should join a club and develop that. Also, you and he can join something together where you may meet other couples that are in a similar stage of their lives and then you can develop relationships together. Let's face it, women are better and organizing and keeping in touch, so a couple thing might work well for you both. You do the organizing and he gets to socialize.

Taking a class is helpful, is there anything he's ever wanted to do? Golf? He can take lessons and maybe meet people that he can then go golfing with to practice his newfound skills.


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## Birdsong (Aug 28, 2009)

hideandseek offers good advice here. This is exactly what I thought when I read your post. It would make sense to me if his 'friends' were mostly single and found it difficult keeping a friendship with a 'happily married'. 

But then, I have a similar story. I do not have any friends currently who I knew at School, College or Uni. Sometimes these friendships fade when you move on. After leaving Uni, I spent a few years without any real friendships and started to think that I was the problem. I really got quite down about it too.

BUT it takes time to build good relationships with people. I now have a fantastic network of friends - and I have some good solid relationships with them. How have I met these people? Mostly work or through further study or through other friends. I have one friend who I re-united with after losing contact with her for several years. Now she's one of my best friends.

Try to tell him not to worry about it - he is not at fault. Friendships really do take time to develop, and it takes time to meet the right friends also. It's a good idea to get involved in something like a club or sporting activity. It's a great way to get some social interaction and he just might make some lasting friendships too. 

I really feel for him, but I'm sure that a little bit of a positive outlook will make him an even more attractive person for a potential friendship. It's like love, it will happen when he isn't looking for it and probably when he least expects it.


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## lillady23 (Oct 2, 2009)

Thanks for the response -- we do have some married friends, but he considers them as "our" friends, and not really "his" friends...i will encourage him to join a club or pursue new friendships in the graduate program he is just starting. 

I know it takes time, but it's so frustrating to wait! I almost just want to shake him, and say "snap out of it!"  I hope that this will pass quickly because it's bringing me down too!

Anyone else have similar stories?


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## hideandseek (Sep 21, 2009)

Yes, my husband had the same issues and he joined the masons through my father which he still enjoys to this day. Getting them to join things help. If there is a social phobia there, therapy can help too.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

maybe your h doesnt invest personally in the friendships. you said he is always the giver, but to make personal connections with people you have to be a bit of a taker, too. it may be that he lacks that connection. i know my grandma and my mom are the same way. they will go out of their way to do anything for anyone but its never reciprocated. they never invest on a personal level so people dont feel like being around them. if he does feel he invests personally in the friendships, then he's probably just talking to the wrong people because those people dont sense that connection.


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