# need help, insecure



## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

Hey everyone, hoping some of you can help me, after a long battle with my wife having an affair, she has come home and we have been working it out, things have been ok for the most part but I find myself very insecure, by nature I am a very affectionate man.
I never went a day without telling her how much I love her or how special she is. i help out around the house because I know the last thing she feels like doing is spending all day cleaning on our day off. well after everything that has happen I look at life allot different, my wife is my world and even though I struggle with forgiveness I love her very much. But I sometimes I feel like it is a one way street, I do things for her because I love her, but it would be nice sometimes for her to take a step first.
I find myself always trying to make her happy like I am the one that has left our family. I can be withdrawn with her but that goes against my grain. I am a loving man with a big heart, just wish she would cherish that. well I am looking for any advice, oh and ya I have already talked with her about this.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Do you think you might be smothering her? That can cause some people to push their partner away. So she's not returning your affection. You could also try working through "No More Mr. Nice Guy"...

What have you two done to heal? Have you done any individual counseling?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

breathe69 said:


> Hey everyone, hoping some of you can help me, after a long battle with my wife having an affair, she has come home and we have been working it out, things have been ok for the most part but I find myself very insecure, by nature I am a very affectionate man.
> I never went a day without telling her how much I love her or how special she is. i help out around the house because I know the last thing she feels like doing is spending all day cleaning on our day off. well after everything that has happen I look at life allot different, my wife is my world and even though I struggle with forgiveness I love her very much. But I sometimes I feel like it is a one way street, I do things for her because I love her, but it would be nice sometimes for her to take a step first.
> I find myself always trying to make her happy like I am the one that has left our family. I can be withdrawn with her but that goes against my grain. I am a loving man with a big heart, just wish she would cherish that. well I am looking for any advice, oh and ya I have already talked with her about this.


Sounds like you've put her way up high on a pedestal.


----------



## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

Yes i do, but that is the way i was brought up. give your all to the one you love. i give all of my heart, thats who i am.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

breathe69 said:


> Hey everyone, hoping some of you can help me, after a long battle with my wife having an affair, she has come home and we have been working it out, things have been ok for the most part but I find myself very insecure, by nature I am a very affectionate man.
> I never went a day without telling her how much I love her or how special she is. i help out around the house because I know the last thing she feels like doing is spending all day cleaning on our day off. well after everything that has happen I look at life allot different, my wife is my world and even though I struggle with forgiveness I love her very much. But I sometimes I feel like it is a one way street, I do things for her because I love her, but it would be nice sometimes for her to take a step first.
> I find myself always trying to make her happy like I am the one that has left our family. I can be withdrawn with her but that goes against my grain. I am a loving man with a big heart, just wish she would cherish that. well I am looking for any advice, oh and ya I have already talked with her about this.


STOP. Stop rewarding her bad behavior. You can't make her happy. That has to come from her. My god man, I want you to try something. It'll take some effort.

Do you have a son? if not, is there a man in your life that you care a lot about? Try to envision them in a situation.

Pretend your son is married and his wife has cheated on him and at this point you could take her or leave her from your family. Then read your post but pretend it's your son writing it. What would you tell him?

Sorry but this has to be one of the weakest responses of a BH I have ever seen. 

PS this will not end well for you. Your wife will cheat again. Why should she stop, because of your "big heart and how much you love her?" No. All you did was say to her "I can completely forgive you for cheating on me and I will even be a BETTER husband after you cheat on me." ERGO....she will cheat again because she's rewarded and it's okay to.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

From October 2013:



breathe69 said:


> yes she was out all the time, work durning day then out at night.





breathe69 said:


> ...my wife of 15 years has cheated on me. we have two kids and are trying to work it out.
> She has been great for the past month but there are a couple of things that bothers me and I am not sure what to do...
> 
> ...the other thing is now she wants to go out with her friends dancing


So did she go back to trolling meat markets?


----------



## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

Sorry for what you are going through. I am in the midst of finding out my husbands affair and he walked out on me. I can relate to your pain and also your demeanor. I am the same way as you in nature and very loving. I feel that our spouses know how much we love them and know exactly how we are and perhaps it is why they do what they do. Its like they expect it and no longer appreciate it. Its like a sense of entitlement that they should not have especially after what they have done. 

If you let it continue and not discuss how much it is upsetting you again, this neglect on top of unresolved feelings from her betrayal will fester and lead to resentment. Try talking to her. After what she has done you have every right to tell her how you feel.. Obviously when you spoke it didnt resonate.. I am having ti do the same with my husband and stop being his doormat. You cant always give and give..


----------



## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

no, we ended up going out together.


----------



## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

LoveNPieces - i am sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. yes we have talked and she understands where i am coming from and said she will try. I do find that when i don't open up to much or show her not just tell her how much i love her i get allot more attention. the attention i should be getting all along. i shouldn't have to be withdrawn to get her attention.


----------



## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

You are codependent. The issue is inward. 

I can't really offer advice, cause I suspect you've heard it before but didn't take it. 

File for divorce
180
Kick her out. 
Only communicate with her about the kids-and only done through e-mail. 
Detach. 

You just gotta do it. 

Always negotiate from a position of power with a WW. 

You have given her all the power. 

Take some of it back. At the very least you should file and do 180.


----------



## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

PBear said:


> Do you think you might be smothering her? That can cause some people to push their partner away. So she's not returning your affection. You could also try working through "No More Mr. Nice Guy"...
> 
> What have you two done to heal? Have you done any individual counseling?
> 
> ...


yes we have and tried going to marriage counseling but got way to expensive.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

breath,

Please give us more details about her A, how long, what she did/said, what you did/said, and how you found out about it.

It's difficult for us to give cogent advice without all the details.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

breathe69 said:


> yes we have and tried going to marriage counseling but got way to expensive.


Divorce is pretty expensive too...

Based on your subsequent responses, you're smothering her. You need to deal with that. Read the NMMNG I mentioned, as well as "Married Man's Sex Life Primer". 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

breathe69 said:


> Yes i do, but that is the way i was brought up. give your all to the one you love. i give all of my heart, thats who i am.


 And she should be giving her all to you, so what you have is one person, giving and another taking and not giving the same in return.

Doesn't work that way and until she understands that and you understand that, your going to be stuck on square one.

You work too. I'm sure you have better things to do than clean up the house so yeah you should help out. Face it you made part of the mess too. 

The problem is your willing to go the extra mile for her and she can't or wont do the same for you so you have to make some changes and one of them is stop going overboard on her. If she can't give the same in return then you got a problem. 

She cheated on you and no doubt has the idea that she can get away with it and you'll do nothing to correct the situation. She has to be the one proving herself. You already proved you love her by having her in the same house with you.

You have to make her understand that she betrayed you and the marriage and it's up to her to fix the damage she caused. She has to fix it and if she isn't willing to do so then your beating a dead horse and going to suffer more heart ache. Stop being the nice guy and let her do the heavy lifting.


----------



## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

From here it looks like your almost patting her on the back for cheating and then coming back.

You CANNOT reward her for cheating even if you are a tactile loving and affectionate guy. Its basically saying your happy with whats going on.

As far as out with the girls. Yes that will be ok when and only when you feel secure and comfortable that "out with the girls isnt out for singles night".
You need to enforce boundries. No provate life, no seperate life building, complete openess and she has to expect you to do some basic checking up that shes telling thn truth about where and who shes with. If she throws the CONTROLLER card at you. Duck and fire back its not controlling, its building security in this marridge and until YOU fell secure then you call the boundries and off out like nothing has happened isnt in that offer.

Everyone needs a night out - no issue but a cheat demanding time out with the girls seems like shes used to running the game and you following on like mule being lead along lifes path. That has to stop. You make the decisions and if you want to go out with some guys on nights she wants girly nights then one has to give in or take it in turns you this week her next week.

Just remind her that moving on forward is at you speed not hers. You (we assume) are the innocent party in this so its you that has to heal and become secure. And that is the big task, building security. Shes some proving to do.


----------



## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

badmemory said:


> breath,
> 
> Please give us more details about her A, how long, what she did/said, what you did/said, and how you found out about it.
> 
> It's difficult for us to give cogent advice without all the details.


It went on for months, I got the I need some space talk, so I gave some space until I found out why she needed the space. Months went by and I had enough and was filing, about a month after that she came back and we had a long talk, went to counseling for as long as we could afford it and like I said things are allot better, we communicate better, it is just sometimes images take over my mind.


----------



## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

6301 said:


> And she should be giving her all to you, so what you have is one person, giving and another taking and not giving the same in return.
> 
> Doesn't work that way and until she understands that and you understand that, your going to be stuck on square one.
> 
> ...


thank you very much, you are so right.


----------



## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

Pault said:


> From here it looks like your almost patting her on the back for cheating and then coming back.
> 
> You CANNOT reward her for cheating even if you are a tactile loving and affectionate guy. Its basically saying your happy with whats going on.
> 
> ...


wow!! Thank you, Thank you. You are so right.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Sounds like she cheated and lied and left you. The threat of D brought her scurrying back. 

You respond by rewarding her 

I would look inward to myself if I were in your shoes. You have made this very easy on her. 

What heavy lifting is she doing. 

Are you sure she's a keeper
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## radrobe (Jun 17, 2013)

*Re: Re: need help, insecure*



breathe69 said:


> It went on for months, I got the I need some space talk, so I gave some space until I found out why she needed the space. Months went by and I had enough and was filing, about a month after that she came back and we had a long talk, went to counseling for as long as we could afford it and like I said things are allot better, we communicate better, it is just sometimes images take over my mind.


Breathe, 

You need to be the prize and think of yourself that way. From what I've read, you won't be happy until she wants you. Don't give yourself away for free. Make her earn you. 
If she isn't doing what you feel you deserve, 180, divorce, and move on. You have to respect your own value.


----------



## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

workindad said:


> Sounds like she cheated and lied and left you. The threat of D brought her scurrying back.
> 
> You respond by rewarding her
> 
> ...


she has been supportive for the most part. and yes i believe she is a keeper.


----------



## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

maybe at least do some of the 180 to see if notices and comes around


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are trying to make her happy.

I don't think what you do works.

It's not about how you like to give. It's about how she likes to recieve.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I agree with the previous poster that you are one of the super nice guys and your wife knew even if she had an affair behind your back and put your health at risk for STD's that it would not really matter to you since you would take her back anyway in a heartbeat. In short, she had nothing to lose.

Did you insist that the both of you get tested for STD's? Did you inform the OM's spouse? What have been the consequences for her actions? If the roles were reversed would she be acting like you? She humiliated and disrespected you in the worst possible way and your respond by saying she is a keeper? What is wrong with this picture?

If you do not respect yourself then who will?


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

And who cares what you were taught.

A man needs to get taught by his wife about how to treat his woman.


----------



## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

bryanp said:


> I agree with the previous poster that you are one of the super nice guys and your wife knew even if she had an affair behind your back and put your health at risk for STD's that it would not really matter to you since you would take her back anyway in a heartbeat. In short, she had nothing to lose.
> 
> Did you insist that the both of you get tested for STD's? Did you inform the OM's spouse? What have been the consequences for her actions? If the roles were reversed would she be acting like you? She humiliated and disrespected you in the worst possible way and your respond by saying she is a keeper? What is wrong with this picture?
> 
> If you do not respect yourself then who will?


so true.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

sorry you are here but you need to take a real look at what is going on. She came back only after The threat of D. She needs to be the one taking care of you and making sure you are happy. 

Stepping back and looking at your situation I would say she is controlling both you and the R.

Needs to be the other way around. By the way I was the nice guy the fixer. That will not work. Right now you have to acknowledge you are the plan B. The other guy was the plan A.

You can build a new marriage but she needs to be pulling the load. You are going to go through ups an downs. The mind movies are horrible and tough to deal with. You need to let her know that it is hard for you. You do imagine another guy doing her and it is painful. You also need to let her know that it is her job to help you past this.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

breathe69 said:


> It went on for months, I got the I need some space talk, so I gave some space until I found out why she needed the space. Months went by and I had enough and was filing, about a month after that she came back and we had a long talk, went to counseling for as long as we could afford it and like I said things are allot better, we communicate better, it is just sometimes images take over my mind.


breathe,

You don't go into why she returned, but it would appear from what you described, that she tested the waters with the OM and it didn't work out; either because he dumped her or she found the grass wasn't greener - at least not with him.

She likely felt confident that you would be waiting in the wings for her and she could rely on you as her plan B option. That should be a difficult thing for you to accept. And to her, she can't help but lose even more respect for you in the process. Why? Because she was right. You were a reliable plan B option.

I'm not saying that you can't have a successful R and I hope you do. But you have to gain that respect back; to have a better chance of her not cheating again and for you not to live with her in a miserable limbo down the road. You need that respect not only from her, but for yourself. 

You need to make sure she receives deserved consequences, that you don't let her rugsweep this, and that you accept nothing less than her demonstrating complete and total remorse.

She should be willing to do anything you ask her and accept all the consequences to show that she's remorseful. To include:

1 - Exposure. You need to expose her to your family, her family and the OM's wife or SO. Assuming you haven't already done this, do it now and don't tell her your going to do it.

2 - No Contact. She needs to write a no contact letter to the OM, that you review and mail yourself. No sentiment allowed. She needs to remove all possibility of contact. Even if that means quitting her job.

3 - Transparency. She needs to be an open book, allowing you access to all her communications and passwords. She needs to account for her time away from you.

4 - Attitude. She should be willing to discuss the A with you at any time and answer all your questions. She should demonstrate affection and be open sexually to you - and in all other ways, demonstrate remorse by her actions; not just her words.

You'll be making another mistake if you allow her back without her showing that she will accept all of the above. She's totally disrespected you and she needs to earn her way back into her marriage.

Good luck to you.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

breathe69 said:


> went to counseling for as long as we could afford it


Who decided it was no longer affordable? If it was her, or if you feel she 'talked' you into believe that, then think again. If the couselor you saw wasn't resolving anything, fine, get a different one. But until you are comfortable that you are both on a good path, an independent, well trained 3rd party to help you communicate is worth sacrificing in other areas. Get rid of the cable, or forgo coffee. 

I read up on some of your prior threads. Does she still have her phone locked? If yes, before you go any further demand her password. She can keep it locked, but she should also have no problem with you having the password. If she argues that she won't be spied on by you, then she has something to hide. 

Did you ever get the VAR? What did it turn up?


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

breathe69,

Stop being so clingy and desperate with a woman who has yet to truly make amends for the betrayal she committed on you.

I think you should consider getting some IC ASAP. You sound to me like you have some major tendencies to co-dependency.

If you are not very familiar with this, read up on it and the ways it impacts relationships.

Not good.


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

breathe69 said:


> Hey everyone, hoping some of you can help me, after a long battle with my wife having an affair, she has come home and we have been working it out, things have been ok for the most part but I find myself very insecure, by nature I am a very affectionate man.
> I never went a day without telling her how much I love her or how special she is. i help out around the house because I know the last thing she feels like doing is spending all day cleaning on our day off. well after everything that has happen I look at life allot different, my wife is my world and even though I struggle with forgiveness I love her very much. But I sometimes I feel like it is a one way street, I do things for her because I love her, but it would be nice sometimes for her to take a step first.
> I find myself always trying to make her happy like I am the one that has left our family. I can be withdrawn with her but that goes against my grain. I am a loving man with a big heart, just wish she would cherish that. well I am looking for any advice, oh and ya I have already talked with her about this.


Treat a woman like a queen and she will treat you like a servant.

Nobody respects an asss kisser. Part of being a man is sometimes saying "No" and doing things for yourself. Regardless of what they may tell you women don't want to be worshiped.

You lost yourself in the relationship, you need to focus on you and not her (which is what she did). She won't respect you until you start respecting yourself.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

breathe69 said:


> she has been supportive for the most part. and yes *i believe she is a keeper*.



Well, even after an affair you still think she's a keeper, then what's her consequences? Should there be any?


----------



## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

ArmyofJuan said:


> Treat a woman like a queen and she will treat you like a servant.
> 
> Nobody respects an asss kisser. Part of being a man is sometimes saying "No" and doing things for yourself. Regardless of what they may tell you women don't want to be worshiped.
> 
> You lost yourself in the relationship, you need to focus on you and not her (which is what she did). She won't respect you until you start respecting yourself.


i agree with you 100%


----------



## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

Acoa said:


> Who decided it was no longer affordable? If it was her, or if you feel she 'talked' you into believe that, then think again. If the couselor you saw wasn't resolving anything, fine, get a different one. But until you are comfortable that you are both on a good path, an independent, well trained 3rd party to help you communicate is worth sacrificing in other areas. Get rid of the cable, or forgo coffee.
> 
> I read up on some of your prior threads. Does she still have her phone locked? If yes, before you go any further demand her password. She can keep it locked, but she should also have no problem with you having the password. If she argues that she won't be spied on by you, then she has something to hide.
> 
> Did you ever get the VAR? What did it turn up?


there is really no where to cut back, trust me we have tried. phone is locked and i never asked for PW, didnt get VAR yet, once again money is tight.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

breathe69 said:


> phone is locked and i never asked for PW


Lawd have mercy breathe.


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

breathe69 said:


> Hey everyone, hoping some of you can help me, after a long battle with my wife having an affair, she has come home and we have been working it out, things have been ok for the most part but I find myself very insecure, by nature I am a very affectionate man.
> I never went a day without telling her how much I love her or how special she is. i help out around the house because I know the last thing she feels like doing is spending all day cleaning on our day off. well after everything that has happen I look at life allot different, my wife is my world and even though I struggle with forgiveness I love her very much. But I sometimes I feel like it is a one way street, I do things for her because I love her, but it would be nice sometimes for her to take a step first.
> I find myself always trying to make her happy like I am the one that has left our family. I can be withdrawn with her but that goes against my grain. I am a loving man with a big heart, just wish she would cherish that. well I am looking for any advice, oh and ya I have already talked with her about this.


Only thing I can tell you is stop. Seems her life with you didn't change at all so why should she? 

No consequence for her action. Easy for me to say though, I'm told I'm an emotionless pr*ck.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Never put someone above yourself (unless it's your kids and only when they're young and can't provide for themselves). Always have them beside you. My wife used to put me on a pedestal, she kicked me off of that pretty quick after my affair.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

breathe69 said:


> there is really no where to cut back, trust me we have tried. phone is locked and i never asked for PW, didnt get VAR yet, once again money is tight.


What makes you think she's not cheating on you now?


----------



## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> What makes you think she's not cheating on you now?


because when we are not at work we are together. if we go out we do it together, either with friends or just me and her.


----------



## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

joe kidd said:


> Only thing I can tell you is stop. Seems her life with you didn't change at all so why should she?
> 
> No consequence for her action. Easy for me to say though, I'm told I'm an emotionless pr*ck.


i will be, i know that is the only way for me not only to respect myself but to get respect in return. thank you


----------



## radrobe (Jun 17, 2013)

*Re: Re: need help, insecure*



breathe69 said:


> because when we are not at work we are together. if we go out we do it together, either with friends or just me and her.


My STBXW banged a personal trainer during sessions at the gym and two different guys at work. An alibi does not mean nothing is going on.


----------



## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

Breathe - I really think you should check out the "no more mr nice guy" book by Robert Glover and the associated forums: nomoremrniceguy.com/forums

Like everyone else says, she is being rewarded for behaviour that is unacceptable... You don't want it to happen again do you?


----------



## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I can tell you that with no consequences, no exposure, and a locked phone... there is a lot you are allowing. 

Open your eyes, even if it hurts. 

Stop enabling her to create more mind movies. 

And the poster that said you are co-dependent, YOU ARE. Join the club. I went to 4 months of group therapy for it, so I feel unfortunate enough to say that I'm good at spotting it. I walked out of a crappy, abusive exH, and you know what I relish in now? Feeling empowered enough to say NO! Stop being a doormat. 

It's like allowing someone to continue to do drugs, but saying it isn't happening because you can't see it. 

If she is such a darn keeper, try and keep her instead of allowing her to wipe her feet on you. Or if you are too scared, just wait for her to drop the ball that the next guy is better for whatever reason.... 

Your choice.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

breathe69 said:


> LoveNPieces - i am sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. yes we have talked and she understands where i am coming from and said she will try. I do find that when i don't open up to much or show her not just tell her how much i love her i get allot more attention. the attention i should be getting all along. i shouldn't have to be withdrawn to get her attention.


This is the key. While you are loving and attentive, she can sit back and relax. That is when the complacency sets in, and that is when she is likely to cheat on you. While you are withdrawing that love, she knows that things are not right, she has to make some effort, she makes effort, you become loving again, and complacency sets in again. Just as the moment you filed for D was the point at which she came running back. Highly predictable. It is the push/pull effect. This is not healthy and it doesn't make for happy times. It keeps you on your toes...permanently.

I am also very loving. I thought I was lucky enough to find another man the same. I love, and I love to be loved. However, he cheated. We also have this push/pull dynamic. It really is not my cup of tea. I am pulling away now. And he is showing more effort. So stupid.

Some people are very loving. Others are not so, and like that 1st poster said, some find it smothering (those who don't love the affection). I could not be with someone who doesn't love affection. I love to give and receive it. You need to find someone who is similar to you...your wife is obviously not. And seeing as she cheated, you can go find that person with your head held high. Do you have kids?

Like dad & hubby said, stop rewarding her. Because that is exactly what you are doing.

And ask for the password on her phone, as well as asking to see what is in there right away. If she refuses, that is a DIRECT ADMISSION that she continues to do things on it you would not wish to see.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

ArmyofJuan said:


> Treat a woman like a queen and she will treat you like a servant.
> 
> Nobody respects an asss kisser. Part of being a man is sometimes saying "No" and doing things for yourself. Regardless of what they may tell you women don't want to be worshiped.
> 
> You lost yourself in the relationship, you need to focus on you and not her (which is what she did). She won't respect you until you start respecting yourself.


This is so true! 

My man cheated, I had to tell him to stop being a sap after being caught, he was eager to do everything and anything I wanted (in our everyday life, not, as it turned out, with regards to fixing and heavy lifting to bring total honesty and fix the cheating behaviour). I found his wimpiness a total turn off and told him so. This would have ended our relationship quicker than anything else.


----------



## Turner9 (Sep 7, 2011)

Vault! Leave while you can ! While there is enough compassion left in you. Take The Flood117's advice! 

You are codependent. The issue is inward. 

I can't really offer advice, cause I suspect you've heard it before but didn't take it. 

File for divorce
180
Kick her out. 
Only communicate with her about the kids-and only done through e-mail. 
Detach. 

You just gotta do it. 

Always negotiate from a position of power with a WW. 

You have given her all the power. 

Take some of it back. At the very least you should file and do 180.

**Idolatry and obsession are dangerous ideals, they are not healthy to your soul at all! You deserve better, allow God to fill the void that got so easily poisoned. Once you let go, you will see clearly the other options before you and how better they really are!


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- I feel for you, but you are enabling her actions and setting yourself up for another round of this... assuming she's not cheating now and that is a big assumption since she is still not transparent. Of course, she will have learned how to hide it better.

I really do wish you well.

Good luck
WD


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*The balance of power is in her favor*. Start building yourself up so that you are not so emotionally dependant on her. I am not saying you block her completely out of your life because you said that you both are doing a lot better. What I am saying is that you need to concentrate on you. I know *others have said this already but DO IT! 
If you just agree with us and do nothing you will be a door mat.*

*Get yourself into a position that you can live with her or without her.* When you get yourself in that position then it will benefit you in more ways than one. If you continue to make it together then you will respect yourself more and so will she.



> *By Breath69*
> I am a loving man with a big heart


Most of the world and people will stomp on your loving big heart if you do not balance it out with learning better how to cope with reality. Part of this world is like the jungle kingdom; survival of the strong!

*You need to get stronger and tougher*


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

She will do this again.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

illwill said:


> She will do this again.


If she isn't already.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

breathe69 said:


> I am a loving man with a big heart,


So am I dude, I would put my life on the line for my wife and kids.

Doesn't mean I will accept shet.


And neither should you.

Just because I love her doesn't mean that I couldn't replace her if she acted like an unrepentant ho.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Once and for all accepting this does not make you nice. Doormats love saying that.

Im very nice, but dont tolerate bs.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

illwill said:


> Once and for all accepting this does not make you nice. Doormats love saying that.
> 
> Im very nice, but dont tolerate bs.


I can't quote this enough. Somehow the word nice has become synonymous with doormat, no spine, ball-less man.

Here is "Nice"
nice adjective \ˈnīs\
: giving pleasure or joy : good and enjoyable
: attractive or of good quality
: kind, polite, and friendly

No where does it say to "easy to walk all over" or allows others to control or take dominion over.

Here is what you are

Doormat
Someone who's really nice, kind, generous and sweet; often also smart and funny. They can be outgoing and extroverted, but still allow certain/most people to walk all over them.
They are dedicated friends and partners, and infallibly there for anyone who needs them with advice, support, money, homework to be copied, and expect nothing in return.
They desperately wish one day that someone will call them a friend and mean it, but for now they are happy to be a friend to everyone else no matter what the personal cost.

They actually LIKE to be used, because at least it means they are needed in some small way.
People might see being a doormat as a sad and pathetic existence, but doormats are generally content with their standing.


----------



## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

i want to thank everyone, i have a better understanding of what i need to do, it will be a long road but i know in the end i will be a better person. thanks again!!


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

breathe69 you are a poster boy for codependency. 

The main reason you wife tries to get away from you is because you hang all of your self esteem on her. 

Do you understand what a huge burden that is to lay on someone? 

I'm not saying this is a good excuse for her cheating, but I can understand why she is so reticent to go in all the way with you on reconcilliation. 

You need to get counseling for your coedependency as well as your marriage.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Read this book! I read it just yesterday and it is great. The poster who originally posted it, I read his post at just the right time. I took a break from here for quite a few months as things seemed to be improving a lot....but I am back! Things took a dive. And then this great guide was presented to me in another thread. Perfect timing!

I don't think it will help my wayward. I doubt it will help yours. But it is a clear guide if she really wishes to help you! And it will be clear to you how much you mean to her by how much of this she takes on board. 

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf

And get her passwords and immediate access to her phone, for goodness sake!


----------



## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

Remains said:


> Read this book! I read it just yesterday and it is great. The poster who originally posted it, I read his post at just the right time. I took a break from here for quite a few months as things seemed to be improving a lot....but I am back! Things took a dive. And then this great guide was presented to me in another thread. Perfect timing!
> 
> I don't think it will help my wayward. I doubt it will help yours. But it is a clear guide if she really wishes to help you! And it will be clear to you how much you mean to her by how much of this she takes on board.
> 
> ...


thank you!!!!


----------

