# Talking to my Wife..



## hitrockbottom (Jun 3, 2008)

Ok...here is another question

My wife and I have spoken about all the issues that "I" have going on. I screwed up Tons, she screwed up (not as much but still screwed up). on top of it all I have been disconnected, emotionally, for about a year and half. 

Gave up Drinking....dropped the friends that were influencing me...and talking to pastors/counseling...plus getting back a little at a time into my faith(actually used to preach) Been happier eternally this last few weeks (with the exception of my emotions about my marriage.

My wife however, we haven't spoken much about her issues, other then My drinking bothered her and that I was emotionally disconnected for the last year. But we haven't spoken about why she didn't attempt to bring me back. Or why she hasn't wanted to open back up as much. 
I know, I know Patience is a Virtue...I am trying believe me...but here is the thing...today she said I am OVER EXERTING my emotions and I am smothering her again..........I don't see that...so I said lets talk and tonight we shall talk...I am being more open and actually listening to her....here is a preview of what she said...opinions/interps welcome...

"We are friends right now, I want you to remember that and act as such. I don't want to take away anything that is helping you but"...then she paused
I said I will explain more to you later but I dont think that I am over exerting my emotions...I simply am able to express a little bit of them and you are not used to any of them so they are scaring you....IE
I come home she is studying I leave her alone, as when we were a Close couple I would jump on her and harass her, redirect her attention...but I don't I let her be, tell her Hi and go in the other room...

She has gone out the last 2 nights with our Friends(mutal couples) I came one night and let her hang with the girls, the next night I simply said have fun....

She came to the shop, I rubbed her neck because she was complaining...I asked if it bothered her she said no...I kissed her on the side of the neck when I was done...she didn't say anything....where as before I would have kissed her all over her neck and attempted to well seduce her(which when we were happy she was cool with). 

I don't really call her constantly or text...

I put her to sleep ask her if she minds if I lay with her, she says no, and leave once she is asleep...I go in the other room...and sleep on the couch..(I couldn't mentally take the basement...I felt like i couldn't protect my household down there.)

So tonight I am going to explain that Im really not pushing anything but that this is the brad she knew when I didn't drink, had faith, and was happy with my surroundings. I'm going to ask her what her boundaries are right now, and try not to cross them. 

But I am also going to explain as tactfully as possible, that even though we are rebuilding our friendship and then our marriage that we are married and I will act as a husband...not sexually but emotionally...a friend can leave you alone for weeks on end and not care what you are doing because your life doesn't indirectly effect theres....not so much with a marriage...

I am going to tell her "tactfully and mindfully of her emotions that I want her to feel like an individual, because that IS important but also that I want to be included because I am her husband...through thick or thin.

Am I being to rough or impatient?


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## Adrift (Jun 4, 2008)

Wow. Kudos to all you have accomplished thus far.

As far as your question, I'm interested in that answer also. My husband, who has gone to live with his dad so he can "think about things" is treating us like friends. I'm having a very difficult time with that... but if I even try to have a conversation about "us" - he's not ready to talk and feels pushed away. It's been 3 weeks and it is another 2 weeks til our first counseling session.

May you have success on your path back to wedded bliss


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## Russell (Apr 10, 2008)

HRB... I feel for you man.... I truely do. I was in your shoes, however I had the wits enough to do the things she wanted me to do for so many years. Now, when she says your pushing her away... you are. However the good idea would be to write her a letter and mail it to her. Explain your feelings for her. Also explain the small things about her that you like. Explain the personality of hers that you like. Basicly, explain to her why you love her. Make it sloppy and sappy. Pour it on real thick. 

Also buy her a dozen flowers and send them to her work. Roses are always good  

Take her out to dinner and a movie. MAKE chocolate covered strawberries for her. Go through a little more trouble, a little extra mile. Do things for her to show her how much you appreciate her being around, and that you love her.

Good luck.


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## Russell (Apr 10, 2008)

Oh yhea, ask her who the other guy is.


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## hitrockbottom (Jun 3, 2008)

Russell..I wish it was that easy...
See I have bought her a Nice flower arrangement...roses and star gazer lillies....

I wrote her the sappy letter, and a quite emotional apology letter...

I have opened up about all my feelings..including the ones about this other guy...whom she still claims just being friends with and recently she has gone back to being friends and backed off from how she was.

But I am met with nothing in return. She is like a [email protected] brick wall....I don't know how to act or react..

Last night I told her I was sorry if she felt that I made her uncomfortable. I also mentioned that we are NOT just friends that we are still married, and even if I was your friend you wouldn't treat me like this.

She is treating me the same way she has since she took her Wedding rings off....

I told her im happy and that I am working on my end of things. I asked her when she was going to put a little effort into it?(not so harshly...I said I have shared my feelings, every thing about me is on the table....when ever your ready I'm not going anywhere.)

I got silence the whole time...the only thing she openly talked to me about was when I asked her opinion on something in the AA book.


I still couldn't sleep last night....well I did for a little due Ambien(which gave me some...lets say Alice and Wonderland Dreams) But I was up and down still...

I helped her get stuff to the car..even after she said that there wasn't anything to carry then came out of the room w/4 bags....told her she looked Sexy...because DAMN SHE IS...told her I hate not feeling needed/wanted...that I haven't in a year which is part of why I started acting the way I did...she took it in but didn't say anything..

She left............then after awhile I was thinking that I might have acted a bit Mellow Dramatic so I sent her a message...told her I loved her, Missed her, and wish that you would let me back into your world, or at least give me that opportunity...I said it was lonely with out my beautiful wife...said be careful Diving and I would see her tonight...


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## hitrockbottom (Jun 3, 2008)

So finally my wife came out with it all.....

I thought I was making headway...nope

She said that the last year or two has been filled w/disappointment.
She said that she is tired of me judging her.

She wants to have her life, not our life....but she didn't say she wanted a divorce or a seperation....she said she wanted to start as friends again? Ok, fine. 

I'm still in the house. Asked her to xplain the disappointments to me at another time. 

She said she is still hurt and can't trust me. Therefore she doesn't know if the things I am doing are sincere...understandable.

She said she wants me to be open as far as my where abouts and what I am doing....but at the same time doesn't want to feel selfish so she doesn't...ummmmm ok?

I told her she has every right to feel hurt and to not trust me. But I also asked her in the last year what have we done together? What do we have in common as far as hobbies?

I said that you have hardened your heart so much that your not wanting to even leave a little optimism there for me. 

At least I know where I stand now. I said I am going to show you that the things I have done I mean....these are things for me. 

I told her that I still love...I and I always will...I'm not giving up yet and I am not leaving the house. I told her that the last few years of bottling **** up is what caused this and if she wants to even begin to fix it...instead of me running around like a chicken with his head cut off not knowing whats going on....then she needs to talk to me.

She said fine but she wanted to be civil and not be irritated at each other...I said lets talk...things get heated walk away..

She said that she doesn't want to read my journal...that she thinks I write what I want her to hear in there....I don't but what ever...she said that when I have gotten upset or told her that I don't feel needed that I said it because I want to make her feel bad.....I just want to tell you how I feel damnit.

I don't know what going on..I know that the hope for my marriage is growing ever so slimmer....


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

hitrockbottom said:


> She said that the last year or two has been filled w/disappointment.
> She said that she is tired of me judging her.
> 
> She wants to have her life, not our life....but she didn't say she wanted a divorce or a seperation....she said she wanted to start as friends again? Ok, fine.


To me, it sounds as though she has been working towards certain goals and feels you have not been supportive of her. When issues come up in her life and she reaches out to you either to vent or ask for advice how have you responded in the past? 

Can you think of times where you may have responded in a way that she feels you don't want to hear it or that she should suck it up, etc. or have you been empathetic to her feelings? If it's the former, she may be feeling it's easier not to say anything vs. get shot down and over time has probably made her feel lonely, that she can't come to you when she is having a bad day or worried about something coming up.

For example, say she has a big exam in a few days and says she's really stressed, not ready, needs to take the nephews tonight, etc. and your response was 'you should have studied earlier...oh well nothing you can do about that now' She's now feeling worse because in addition to her stress she now feels unsupported and alone, where what she needed was 'will it help if I take the boys to the park so you can focus and study? I'll pick up dinner on my way back, etc. You'll get through it, you always do.'


hitrockbottom said:


> She said she is still hurt and can't trust me. Therefore she doesn't know if the things I am doing are sincere...understandable.
> 
> She said she wants me to be open as far as my where abouts and what I am doing....but at the same time doesn't want to feel selfish so she doesn't...ummmmm ok?


I can tell you from personal experience that when your spouse has been unfaithful, the only way to start to trust again is to feel that they are very open with you as far as there whereabouts and are very consistent in doing what they say they are doing, etc. She probably wants and needs this from you but in her current state of confusion not knowing where your marriage is headed doesn't feel right asking you to do this while she is feeling she can't commit to more than a friendship right now. 

I would think it would help you a great deal right now to do this on your own. Don't put her in a position to want to ask. Be open book as far as where you are and who you're talking to. Even something as innocent as checking your cell phone in front of her could get her head spinning, so I'd take the initiative here and just say, oh, so-and-so left me a message, etc.

You know your wife and history better than anyone so I may be way off here, but just giving you my thoughts on what you've presented here in case something hits home for you.


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## hitrockbottom (Jun 3, 2008)

As for the Example that you used I never out and out said anything like that...I would say the correct thing but then act differently from what I said...or I would be emphatic toward her situation and then Mumble something....Not really intentionally but I would....I guess from what I found out this weekend that it hurt her, or she thought I would do it with the intent to hurt her...

I ask to do things for her all the time but I don't phrase them the way you said...I guess it could seem as if I was being Needy/Clingy..

aah so much more to work on..I was so screwed up this last year...or two.

So heres some more check list:

- Need to work on showing empathy and meaning it
- Quit trying to control all aspects of her. Nicely or not.
- SLowly work on coming back into her life, as her husband.
- Being consistant on my mood/actions of what I said I was gong to do.
- Volunteer my where abouts but to the excess that she thinks I am doing it to be sarcastic or mean....

I hate this balance beam...

thanks again guys


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## hitrockbottom (Jun 3, 2008)

Been doing some more thinking...which I believe is part of my problem.
When my wife met me I was carefree and outgoing...I didn't really over analyze stuff, as I do now. I need to figure out how to get back to that. Maybe counseling from a licensed Therapist would be better then from my pastor..I don't know. Therapist scare me...I feel awkward calling one up and being like Yeah...then I draw a blank on how to get stuff started. 
Of course walking into that AA meeting for the first time wasn't the most comfortable thing, neither was maning up to my wife about my issues, which she thinks, in my opinion, I only told her to make her feel bad...like I was looking for a sympathy trip. I wasn't but she is still deeply hurt and timid around me...more time Its only really been two weeks since she found out about the infidelity, and a almost 2 months since she took her rings off....I wish things could be like they normally are..I keep living in past memories..

Enough rambling here is another note that I sent her today..

_Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you...
Thanks for talking more about stuff to me the last few days...you looked cute as hell on the Tramp the other day...I have always loved watching you with your boys, you get a certain glow about you...**** was fun bouncing your granny...I haven't done a flip in awhile..I'm proud that you've made it through your first quarter of classes...

I'm wanting to go camping w/my dad soon....I would like to bring the boys along..do you know if they have a sleeping bag?_

and here is the Text I sent her:

_I have to go out to the beach to drop off flyers for this weekend. THen I need to hit some up around the mall tonight or tomorrow.....if you need me or would like to join me hanging them up, Id enjoy that. I'll be bringing both long boards home...just let me know. Enjoy your class...lve U.._

So am I being Invasive w/these letters/text?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It sounds like your wife is trying as best she can to communicate with you and although you hear what she is saying you are not listening to what she wants/needs.

draconis


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