# Feeling sad and vengeful



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

I know about my H affair, not sure if just an EA or PA, but passionate. I've seen 1 email and see his phone records but not the content of texts. Also read his journal....no evidence of PA but lots of passion there.

HE DOES NOT KNOW THAT I KNOW. He only knows that I am sad miserable and upset about our situation. I've lost weight.

Discovered the situation 1 month ago. Had several convos with my H about problems in the marriage (of 18 years). He is going for counseling; he's had disappointments at work this year. He is reluctant to go for MC. Told me 2 months ago that I don't respect him. I have been distracted at work for some years but he didn't complain. I think he is re-writing our marital history. When I ask him to express how he feels, he has great difficulty. I have told him that I want to work on our marriage, I have been very attentive and compassionate, but am very confused and sad inside.

So, instead of confronting him I did the following:

1) Made appt with MC - he wants to wait 2 weeks not sure why.
2) Spoke to a divorce lawyer.
3) Getting finances in order.
4) Got the OW husband's cell phone number - have not called.

He seems to feel that he no longer loves me, will not have sex - not that I want to... I don't know the extent of his affair. But I miss my husband. I love him but he has said he is not sure that he loves me anymore.

I am beginning to despise him because of the way he is conducting himself. If we break up, it will be very difficult for both of us financially. I told him this. I HAVE NOT CONFRONTED HIM ABOUT THE OW.

I have a fledgling business, not really earning enough to support myself yet. I am 55 years old. I feel I will be successful but this is very distracting. I am worried about health insurance. My atty says try to win him back; I don't seem ready to leave him. 

I was very close to calling the OW Husband today but I know that things will spin out of control if I do that! I really want the affair to stop.

Please offer advise.

Thank you.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Call him. It will be the best thing you can do to start taking control of the situation and your life.


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## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

I very well may do that...but not till after the meeting with financial rep this wednesday. Stay tuned Thursday. The surveillance of his cellphone records is killing me...Atty told me to stop looking but i cannot.

Thank you for replying.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I also agree you should tell her husband.... mainly because he deserves to know his wife is a cheater but also for yourself.

Your living with a painful secret right now... don't know how your doing it each day. 
Your clearly stronger than you realize!


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

daibai said:


> I know about my H affair, not sure if just an EA or PA, but passionate. I've seen 1 email and see his phone records but not the content of texts. Also read his journal....no evidence of PA but lots of passion there.
> 
> HE DOES NOT KNOW THAT I KNOW. He only knows that I am sad miserable and upset about our situation. I've lost weight.
> 
> ...


Thanks for commenting on my thread. I am sorry you are here.
Gather the evidence and then expose to all once you are ready. I mean to all.
Wake him up then send him packing. This is the best advice for both saving the marriage and ending the marriage. Either way, you will not have regrets and are able to move on, knowing you did what you could. It will show him you are not to be pushed around. Make sure you are up to speed on the 180 process as well and implement it. It will either bring him back to you if you want that, or it will cause him to realize if he wants a soft target to lie to, he needs to pick a target other than you from now on.
Make sure you are well aware of the finances as well. If he is having a PA then he is spending your money on her.
Gather just enough physical evidence that it cannot be denied. Give a copy of the evidence to the OW's H and make sure you keep a copy of the evidence where your H will never find it.
Post the OW on cheaterville as well.
Expose, expose, expose. Once your ducks are in a row, of course. 

Never forget that people that have affairs are a POS. Even if you want them back, you are choosing a POS as your future partner at that point. That choice is yours. The person you fell in love with is not the person you are married to any longer. You can start over with a POS or you can start over alone and work on finding some one more deserving of your love.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is your husband having a breakdown? No excuse for treating you badly but worth knowing about.


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## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

Yes I do feel that an unvariable response is dangerous. I see that calling the OW H could add unwanted drama to my life. I don't think I can handle that. My life is not a reality TV show after all.

I am known in the community and this could really affect my liveliehood. I will have to decide.

Thanks so much for your response.


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## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

He is not spending money on her. I have control of the finances. He could be headed toward a breakdown. That is why I feel that compassion is in order to some extent, but believe me, I am not a doormat. I'm pretty saavy. Actually, he is the nieve party in this situation. But I am not losing sight of his betrayal. I wish he would talk to me. He really could use my help!

I could serve him with divorce papers, but I am really following my instincts here.

Thanks to all.


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