# I feel like a fool sometimes!



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I feel like I should've seen the red flags earlier, like when she really started to loose the weight, buy sexier clothes. She "let" me talk her into buying sexier underwear, little outfits. This wasn't about me, she was planning to leave.

I feel like she's always going to be happy, things are going to work out for her. She is probably going to land some guy that makes twice as much money as me, and then she will think this guy, this life was much better than she ever had.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

I'm in the exact same position as you man. I know it sucks.

She seems so confident with her decisions and happy with her life. So sure that our marriage isn't healthy for either of us, thinks about herself and then when it comes to the kids just says they will cope with it just fine.

In July she will be out of a place to live unless she gets government assisted living. She thinks just because I make more money than her that I will be paying out my ass to support the kids .. er sorry, not the kids .. her.

The confidence is what really gets me, she is just so sure of herself and everything. Doesn't want to reconcile, wants to start legal separation and pretty much get the divorce going now.

I think she has another guy already, or at least some sort of interest that is helping her along her thought process.

Like you, I feel like she will always be happy with her life no matter what happened because it's always going to be better than what we had.


Truth is dude, we have no way to compete with that. It's not on us anymore. We both need to realize that it doesn't matter what they are doing anymore. Nothing we say or do will change there minds, all we can do is what's best for us and the kids.

Hang in there man!


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

You can always look back and think that you missed signs. At least now you know what those signs look like. Think of it as a "learning experience."

You'll be able to tell whether they are genuinely trying to spice things up, or if it is just for their own benefit.

Do you feel used? I surely do. My STBXH's sex life started to take a different turn last summer. Apparently, it was not interesting enough for him. He started asking for things that I was very uncomfortable with, and wondered... what is wrong with him? After more than 10 years of marriage, this should not happen. I don't mean trying something different, I mean... wanting to do things that are well beyond a person's comfort zone. This was obviously not for my benefit, but his own. Now I see that. Back then, I didn't either.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

With the baggage she has its possible for her to upgrade but not likely. Almost always the cheaters downgrade.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> I feel like I should've seen the red flags earlier, like when she really started to loose the weight, buy sexier clothes. She "let" me talk her into buying sexier underwear, little outfits. This wasn't about me, she was planning to leave.
> 
> I feel like she's always going to be happy, things are going to work out for her. She is probably going to land some guy that makes twice as much money as me, and then she will think this guy, this life was much better than she ever had.


Proud. Really. Enough.

She didn't make you do anything. You're responsible for your feelings, your actions, your future. 

You're feeding yourself thoughts that are counterproductive and damaging. Grow a pair. Remember your past successes. 

Do you really want a way out of this rut? Then shift your thinking from victim to victor. No matter what, move forward. Always.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Who cares who she ends up with. She'll probably screw him over too.
And don't beat yourself up about missing the signs. Losing weight and wanting sexy underwear was probably somethingyou were thrilled about. Why would that be a missed red flag. I didn't know my h was cheating for 7 years, that's a lot of missed red flags. I don't beat myself up about it. Sometimes we don't see it and sometimes we don't want to see it. At this point what does it matter. We don't have time machines.

Maybe what you should be focused on is how in the future your woman is going to be hot and think that you are the sexiest man alive! And for icing lets hope the karma bus hits your wife and she gets fat again. Is that mean?


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Love the term "karma bus".


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Trust me, there is misery on every path. 
What you see in one moment is not going to be lasting. 
She is probably just under the illusion that it will be, and hence her attitude. 
Every life has its issues. If she thinks she is avoiding them, that's her problem. Life will keep giving her the same old same old until the lesson is learned, then it will move on to tougher lessons. If what you are experiencing seems difficult, think of how much stronger you will become by having to pull yourself through and reach a higher level of emotional and spritual stability. It's tempting to think you have the short end of the stick, but since nobody can ever see the entire stick, think to yourself, a short stick starts a fire just as easily as a big stick. It only takes a flame, and before that a spark. If you have a spark, even a very small one, you are okay. A hot fire burns itself out easily, and consumes everything around it. A slow fire burns steadily and attracts visitors to tend it, and people like to gather around it to warm their hands, and to hang out together, comfortable like. Focus on that.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

I really like that fire metaphor.

Proud, if I may add - I also feel the pain of being the one who was betrayed and dumped. I am almost one year separated from my husband, and the divorce proceedings are underway.

Every day I struggle with feelings of unworthiness, unhappiness, loneliness, fears about the future and if I will ever find love again, or even have the courage to try.

I know what it is like to torment myself with questions, self-recriminations, and run the old memories over and over like an endless loop in my head.

But every day we must push past this stuff. Our children need us, and they need to see their parents functioning well and finding things in life to enjoy again.

Buddhist philosophy helps - keeping in mind that all things change, and nothing lasts forever. In Taoist though - the Way is always ahead of us, and we must keep walking the path, whatever it brings. Strive to bring balance into your life. If you have spent an hour tormenting yourself, now it's time for an hour of walking in a garden. If you spent a day eating nothing but Doritos and Oreos, the next day eat only nourishing food.

Also, I printed off a little quote that I heard. I pasted it up in a few places to be reminded daily of this simple truth: "Let go. Let go, or be dragged".

Come on, Proud. Join me in rising up and making a good, happy life for ourselves.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Proud, do you use visualization and sheer will as tools in moving through the rough times? 

Here's an example... when I get tough moments (like several last weekend), I say "move" to myself in my head and visualize myself soldiering on, physically, as if I was moving through rough terrain. This helps me shift my thinking, and helps me to move forward emotionally and physically. 

It helps to have mental toolbox to help you get through the rough patches. Use what works for you. On occasion, if you need a good emotional release, take the time, but not too long. Dust yourself off, say "I'm doing this", and move forward. This way, you're always taking steps in a better direction, no matter what comes at you. It gets easier with time, and then it's a habit. 

Oh yeah... and there's a bonus... it not only helps deal with the grief of the loss of the relationship, but shifts your mindset for all things in life. At least, this has been my experience. I still have my rough moments, but I have never felt so strong in my life. I wish you the same success, but success depends on choice.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

So I relize that what I miss is what I had, not who she is now. I miss the companionship, the whole family stability. I would never take her back, we don't work anymore. So why am I still stuck? She has moved on, why can't i
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Proud a personal question, was she the only girl you've been with? You seem extremely obessed about her.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

No...I had been with two other woman (once each) and it was horrible. 

Whereas, she had "soiled her oats" previous to being with me.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Why not find new women and try to have better time then you had with your stbx?


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> No...I had been with two other woman (once each) and it was horrible.
> 
> Whereas, she had "soiled her oats" previous to being with me.


Proud, I've seen your pics with your sons. You're a good looking man, and I'm sure you're a very proud and caring dad. 

You're still wrapped up in victim mode and your ego is ruling your life. I can tell you that my journey was not an easy one, and I know this... if I can bounce back, anyone can. 

I recommend two books (I've recommended them before, at some point I believe). They are difficult to read at times, but very useful. With the right perspective, these can help:

Coming Apart: Why relationships end & how to live through the ending of yours

Rebuilding - When Your Relationship Ends

Both are essentially how-to books for moving forward. "No More Mr. Nice Guy!" was my kick-in-the-pants book. The two I listed are the roadmap to the other side, as long as you keep your eyes on the prize.

You can thank me later.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Canguy I can say this being comfortable with my sexuality, I love you brother!!!


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Canguy, I have just ordered both books. Thank you for the suggestions. By the way, I have a son and daughter


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Hey Proud,

I agree. It is time to stop playing the victim. We all need to throw ourselves a "pity party" from time to time--but, your pity party should be over...all the guests have gone home, and it is now time for *you *to go home.

Your thoughts have been very circular, and they are not moving you forward. It is time for you to take some serious action and serious control over your brain and your way of thinking.

Hopefully those books will help you do so. You are a very good looking guy--and you have so much going for you. But, you need to stop riding along with this train of thought. Stop the train, and get off. The train you are on is not going anywhere.

(....this is all said with love, by the way. )


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> Canguy, I have just ordered both books. Thank you for the suggestions.


Yay!!! :smthumbup:


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Proud, thanks for this morning. It's more than the stbx did.
Btw 27 yrs ago today I got engaged. It's been a down day for me but I am trying to focus on the awesome people in my life NOW and you are always a call a way and I thank you for that.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Jpr.....I've realized that outwardly I'm physically attractive, and I do possess good skills, I just have to start believing that. My ex was really the only woman I've loved in such a way, so I just have to give myself some time to heal. I'm looking forward to moving in with my friend, being able to grill out again. I'm going to join up at a gym here in the next few weeks. I plan on taking my kids to their first baseball game of the year in the nezt month. In july I'm taking the kids camping with my parents. I'm trying to focus forward. Its the little setbacks that have hurt. I did buy my ex a picture frame and a card for the kids to give her today. She texted me a thank you for that. It will be hard seeing her tonight when I pick up the kids, I used to make such big deals out of days like this. I miss her hugs. But I will have a great night with my kids tonight. Pizza for the boy, mac n cheese for the girl
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> Canguy I can say this being comfortable with my sexuality, I love you brother!!!


Right back atcha.


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> Proud, thanks for this morning. It's more than the stbx did.
> Btw 27 yrs ago today I got engaged. It's been a down day for me but I am trying to focus on the awesome people in my life NOW and you are always a call a way and I thank you for that.


 Sorry you're having down day, Mama. Hope it gets better. Happy Mother's Day.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

OldGirl said:


> Sorry you're having down day, Mama. Hope it gets better. Happy Mother's Day.


Thanks. I will be fine. I am focusing on what needs to be done. It's kind of like Valentines Day I guess... 
Proud was a sweety for calling. Stbx and I got into it. I am so ready for him to be just an X so I can move on w/ my life. I had a pity party this morning but am not just focusing on what needs to be completed and worked on at the house. 

Changing focus and not letting my emotions rule is the key.... (hint, hint Proud).


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

if you read my ex's FB you'd think he was having the time of his life

I thought it would bother me but it really doesn't, cos I know the pattern will just repeat itself in time

chin up proud, get out there and find a hot chick to practice on!!


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> I feel like she's always going to be happy, things are going to work out for her. She is probably going to land some guy that makes twice as much money as me, and then she will think this guy, this life was much better than she ever had.


...this sounds like it was plucked straight out of my thoughts this week as I am in exactly the same situation and am feeling the same way. 

So it has been great to read the helpful advice on this thread. Those books Canguy has recommended sound excellent and I will be ordering them too.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Proud,
Her confidence is based on a fantasy world that is not real. Right now OM has no faults, he doesn't burp, fart, get diarrhea, or throw up, never gets sick, and has no personality flaws. Now, then the dopamine wears off, your STBXW will start to see the flaws and will begin to wonder what the hell she got herself into. You, on the other hand, will be happy, living with a new wife or GF who will actually respect you and not spread like peanut butter for any guy that tells her the right stuff. 
I am going though the same thing as you. My STBXW went through nine guys before meeting guy #10 whom she swears is "the one". This guy is ten years younger than her, overweight, and works for minimum wage and has no college. As stated above, cheaters mostly downgrade and this was the case here. She is living in fantasy like your STBXW. Just think, the OM now has to deal with all her crap, not you so you can get a laugh to yourself as you know what that poor sap is in for. Trust me, sex gets boring and routine and real life sets in. This is where most affairs go south. Hang in there, don't sweat the fact that you missed these flags. We all do. We don't want to see them for what they are and hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Proud,

With all due respect.

Start worrying about you.

While I would echo M in Va's sentiments that you are MORE likely to be happy going forward than STBXW, it's not a contest.

You could both end up miserable.

The key is - find out what it is about you that allows you to be walked on by someone like her.

That means the focus needs to be... drum roll.... on you.

She's irrelevant, other than the agreements you need to keep about the kids.


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