# Full realization...



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

What do you ladies do when you realize that you are just simply no longer a priority... do you find things to do outside the marriage? 
Wants, needs, desires, dreams, have all been communicated repeatedly and despite some effort on his part to simply appease and just me up... I have realized I am no longer his priority (don't even think I am in the top 3)... not quite sure he is even in love with me anymore, and thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. 
There have been lies in the relationship on his behalf, I chose to take his side, even ended a very long friendship because I had no proof and didn't know who to believe or listen to. What he has said he wanted I have given my all at. I think he likes our lifestyle and stays and keeps me happy simply for the kids, the sake of being married, and other superficial reasons. The true genuine feeling of love is just not there anymore, and when I add it all up, if it weren't for my children, and that we are generally happy and get along well, I probably would seek a divorce, but it's very clear at this point after a year and half of trying... I am thinking I may need to do a 180 and prepare.... What is the female version of the 180? I think this process will benefit me in many ways but I need a female version. Thanks in advance for listening and for advice. I am not considering marriage counseling at this point because I think we will spend so much time hashing past hurts it will be counterproductive.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

The 180 is the same for men or women. What parts of it do you feel are male only, or what parts do you want the female version of?

Also, are you saying that there was a possible affair that got rugswept because you wanted to take his word over someone else's?


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> The 180 is the same for men or women. What parts of it do you feel are male only, or what parts do you want the female version of?
> 
> Also, are you saying that there was a possible affair that got rugswept because you wanted to take his word over someone else's?


I was thinking the exact same thing.:scratchhead:


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> The 180 is the same for men or women. What parts of it do you feel are male only, or what parts do you want the female version of?
> 
> Also, are you saying that there was a possible affair that got rugswept because you wanted to take his word over someone else's?


Yes I think there is a great possibility of it. But I am thinking the 180 that I saw was for men, betrayed men specifically.. I guess I will just look it over and pick the parts I think will help me just better myself, make myself stronger, and make him less of priority because I am slowly driving myself insane.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Tell us more about the rug sweeping. Bring it back out of the dark and shine a light on it by trying to fully understand it. Knowing about it will give you the power you need to do your 180 with.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Tell us more about the rug sweeping. Bring it back out of the dark and shine a light on it by trying to fully understand it. Knowing about it will give you the power you need to do your 180 with.


There is nothing to know, a friend of mine claimed when I confided in her I thought he was cheating (with another woman based on facebook things and texts and cupcakes) that he "trusted her" and made me promise not to tell him why. She said when we were dating they had a night of partying.. that's all it was, my husband denied the entire thing, friends and family said if she was such a good friend she would've told me sooner, in addition, my husband wouldn't deny the entire thing if it was simply partying. I decided to focus on the real issue at hand (don't talk to that "friend" anymore) and address my feeling about the budding "friendship" with that other woman. My husband said it was nothing. Later, he completely deleted his facebook and started an entire new one. He said it was to interact with me. IT wasn't only recently has he started using it again, and has his privacy settings much higher, so for instance when he posts on my wall, it does not show on his page. What he does now, he is around many more females, and it is vounteer work, makes him feel good, I get all that, but I just over the course of the last couple weeks realized (any by asking other men on here about behavior changes when one is in love) he does things to appease me when he knows I am really unhappy and when important things come up he just doesn't even pay attention to what I am saying, really asking, etc. So I am thinking if I take a step back from him (work on my own issues and better my feelings about myself because I realzed that in addition to him not making me a priority, I have not made myself a priority in a while).... that pretty much sums it up. I have only seen 180 in context, I guess I need to read the entire thing. Or is it only intended for betrayed spouses? I will never know if something happened or not and had to just trust and move on that nothing did and take his word for it. Since then we decided to work on our marriage, his main complaint was sex, mine was emotional intimacy (my way)... I've given and given and he says he is satisfied and loves me, but his actions speak louder than words. Perfect example I sent him an email (forwarded) and asked him to please reply to it. If it had been anything associated with his volunteer org. he would've jumped right on it. Since it was from me, he scanned, ignored the actual request... so I wound up having to do it myself. I think I need to be more self sufficient, and not rely on him to fill my emotional needs, my need for fun, my need for family, etc... I can expand on all those things in other ways I think. I just need to learn how.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Have you checked out Marriage Builders?

They have a plan for restoring the romantic love in any marriage.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Have you checked out Marriage Builders?
> 
> They have a plan for restoring the romantic love in any marriage.


I have been on the site, that is the one where you pay for "private lessons" correct? I may need to revisit the site.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

There are many books and other materials available that can be downloaded for free or very cheap.

You don't have to buy the coaching.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I will see what I can find, but honestly I am exhausted... seriously like today to the point of going to bed ridiculously early because I don't want to think anymore today. lol I am just exhausted... 
Like earlier, he tells me a little lie, not knowing I already know the truth. I almost think he does it without evening thinking anymore


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I have a few ideas.... I think I used to be married to your h! 

Find something you love to do.... hobby, learning, teaching, creating, whatever.... find something you love and just do it. The mental payoff is tremendous. 

Make sure you are productive. Figure out what you might need to do in case this marriage ends. Go back to school? Do some job searching? 

Learn to love yourself, and to rely on yourself. It builds confidence and personal contentment. 

My marriage ended. It needed to. But.... I was ready. And while I was boosting myself up, making myself feel strong and capable.... I never stopped trying to make the marriage work. It just stopped being my main focus. 

I'm glad I had that time of growth. It led me to where I am now and I came here with confidence. And "here".... is a great place to be!


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## jerseygirl123 (Jun 1, 2013)

I actually would recommend marriage counseling. My husband and I have had 3 different marriage counselors. It's ok to rehash everything. Women are different in some ways then men, or at least I'm different from my husband. He does something, says he sorry, asks me to forgive him, and he lets it go. I don't; I file it away. Every time something happens, I add that into my why.I.think.you're.a.pain pile. 

Counseling helps me by letting me be heard. I can bring up that thing that hurt my feelings three years ago, because it's related to thing he did last week. There's someone there who can guide the discussion and keep it on task. It will also give you an idea of what he's thinking. 

Good luck!
Jersey Girl


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> I am thinking I may need to do a 180 and prepare.... What is the female version of the 180?


I think 180 was originally gender neutral and was just one piece of a book called "Divorce Buster". It wasn't really targeted toward infidelity. That may be a good book for you to read more than just the 180.


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