# dont know what to do



## cardinals_fan

Ok, I'll try to make this short and sweet. My wife of 14 years is having an affair. We have 2 kids also. I found all this out about 3 months ago. It has been going on now for about a year. My problem is that I want to try and fix the marriage but she tells me that she dont want to end the affair yet. I told her to fix us, she has to stop it with him, and she keeps telling me not to tell her what to do. I have started counseling 2 weeks ago and have another appointment today. I moved out last week and yesterday she says she wants to try and fix us, but she will not end it with him yet. I feel like such a sucker because I love her so much that I want to try and fix this. I know that we must fix ourselves first, but I feel with him in the picture, that is not going to happen. Am I a sucker???


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## cpacan

Welcome to the forum I thought I would never need my self. You will get good advice from the supporters here. 

No, you're not a sucker - not because of this at least. You are probably just dependend of your wife.

There can be no working on your relationship as long as her affair hasn't been ended. You need to be ready to loose her in order to save your self and maybe have a chance to win her back, because you have lost her at the moment. She is deep in her affair fog and can't think clearly.

You will need to do the 180 on her (links will flow I am sure). You have started off well by separating - only it should have been her, that moved out, since it is she that wants to live a singlelife.

Take care of your self. Work on your self, eat, sleep, work out and connect with your own self - this is very important. So good that your have seeked IC at this point.


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## jnj express

1st things 1st----YOU GET YOURSELF BACK IN YOUR HOME-----If this goes to D., everything will be 1000, times worse on you, as her atty. will nail you for ABANDONMENT---just get your stuff together and go home NOW---live in seperate parts of the home if you want---but you GO HOME!!!!!

You tell her you know you cannot control what she does, but by the same token, you do control what you do.----You tell her if she wants any hope of R., then she leaves her lover, and goes complete NC, right now

If she refuses, you will have no choice but to end the mge.-----when you took vows they were not vows to be involved in a 3some---mge., is 2 people, and 2 only, who want to love/help/enjoy/be with EACH OTHER, and NO ONE ELSE!!!!!!


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## snap

You are correct, nothing will change as long as he is in the picture.

Move in back, it's your home too. It's not you who's cheating. If she wants out, she can move out herself. 

What she does is known here as cake-eating, getting the best from your support and a kick out of her affair. She will drop you as hot potato as soon as OM suggests her anything "serious". Right now she is fence-sitting in hopes it would develop somewhere with the lover.

You are her Plan B.

Remove yourself as an option. File for divorce. This will bring control to your hands.


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## Shamwow

Move back home. Kick her out. Tell her that if she wants another relationship, go enjoy it, but it has nothing to do with you and your family, you won't stand for a three person marriage.

Stand up for yourself. 

All you have in life is your dignity and self-respect. Don't be afraid to lose your marriage, she has already taken that from you (and shown you it's not valuable to her). It's up to you to make the decisions from now on. Live this, mean it.

File for divorce, don't tell her, just do it. Might just break her out of the affair fog. If not, you have your answer already.

IC is good for you. But keep it about you. Why would you want to stay with someone who refuses to respect you as her husband? 

God I hate it when wayward spouses think its up to them what happens. Give her a taste of being on her own. See how fast she comes running back when you show some spine. If she doesn't, it's over anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shamwow

P.S. Go Cards.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kurosity

I would say that you better move home. 

You may not be able to tell her what to do but you should not stand there and suffer her actions. Move home and contact a lawyer start the paper work for a D. 
Stop letting her dance all over you. expose her affair to everyone. If OM has a spouse expose him to her. 
If you already told her that to work on your relationship she needs to loose the OM and she won't then you have to do something more then sit there waiting. She heard you and you heard her. So if she can't give up OM then you must react to her choice. She made her choice you need to make yours.
I really hope that she comes around but it might be unlikely if she is flat out telling you she wants to keep her AP. I just hope that I am wrong for your sake.


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## snap

Kurosity said:


> I really hope that she comes around but it might be unlikely if she is flat out telling you she wants to keep her AP. I just hope that I am wrong for your sake.


:iagree:

She has clearly demonstrated who is a higher priority male in her life. I would venture to guess the only reason she still pretends to "work on the marriage" is that the AP shows no desire to commit.


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## survivorwife

Yes, I agree with the others. Move back in. There are two children involved. If you move out, she gets the marital home "for the sake of the children" in court, regardless of her affair.

Once you have moved back in, give her the rules. Expose her affair. She must discontinue immediately or she can leave the marital home herself.


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## tacoma

cardinals_fan said:


> Ok, I'll try to make this short and sweet. My wife of 14 years is having an affair. We have 2 kids also. I found all this out about 3 months ago. It has been going on now for about a year. My problem is that I want to try and fix the marriage but she tells me that she dont want to end the affair yet. I told her to fix us, she has to stop it with him, and she keeps telling me not to tell her what to do. I have started counseling 2 weeks ago and have another appointment today. I moved out last week and yesterday she says she wants to try and fix us, but she will not end it with him yet. I feel like such a sucker because I love her so much that I want to try and fix this. I know that we must fix ourselves first, but I feel with him in the picture, that is not going to happen. Am I a sucker???


Yes you are a sucker.

Stop being a cuckold and file for divorce from your wife.

I personally wouldn`t deal with the absolute disrespect your wife is showing you and that is the sole reason my wife will never show such disrespect.

If you really want to fix your marriage hope the divorce papers wake her up and become the foundation of respect she needs to hold for you/
Hope it wakes her up and breaks the affair.

While waiting for her to be served start reading this.

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

Get the book, read the blog.


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## Will_Kane

The first thing you have to do is to end the affair.

Expose the affair to the other man's wife/family. Expose the affair to your family. Expose the affair to your wife's family. Tell them your wife is having an affair, she is having it with, she admits to you she has been having the affair, she refuses to end it, you want to save your marriage, and ask for their support in helping you to save your marriage. Ask the other man's wife and family to help you end the affair. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE you are doing this. Make all your calls brief, line up all the contact info ahead of time, and make all the calls one after another.

Next, have a calm discussion with your wife. You stay calm. Tell her that unless she ends the affair and goes "no contact" with the other man, you will file for divorce. Then, if she refuses, do it. At this point, she has pushed you around so much, she will not believe you are going to actually file unless you do it. Divorce is a long process, you can always stop the process later if she agrees to your conditions. Other conditions for you not filing for divorce include her giving you complete access to all devices and accounts, her letting you know her whereabouts 24/7, and having no contact with the other man ever again.


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## Will_Kane

Also, move back into your house. Let her move out if she wants to cheat.

Please give more details about the other man, how your wife met him, how she is in contact with him, how she sees him, is he married, etc.?


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## iheartlife

Will_Kane said:


> The first thing you have to do is to end the affair.
> 
> Expose the affair to the other man's wife/family. Expose the affair to your family. Expose the affair to your wife's family. Tell them your wife is having an affair, she is having it with, she admits to you she has been having the affair, she refuses to end it, you want to save your marriage, and ask for their support in helping you to save your marriage. Ask the other man's wife and family to help you end the affair. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE you are doing this. Make all your calls brief, line up all the contact info ahead of time, and make all the calls one after another.
> 
> Next, have a calm discussion with your wife. You stay calm. Tell her that unless she ends the affair and goes "no contact" with the other man, you will file for divorce. Then, if she refuses, do it. At this point, she has pushed you around so much, she will not believe you are going to actually file unless you do it. Divorce is a long process, you can always stop the process later if she agrees to your conditions. Other conditions for you not filing for divorce include her giving you complete access to all devices and accounts, her letting you know her whereabouts 24/7, and having no contact with the other man ever again.


As almost everyone has said, step one is move back into YOUR house.

As Will Kane has wisely said, THREATS of divorce and exposure have no effect on an affair. If your anger and pain were enough, there would be no affair in the first place. 

Do not warn her about exposure, all it will do is help her get her story straight and make you out to be the bad guy who didn't meet her needs in the marriage, i.e., that the affair is really your fault.

You have only so many cards to wake her up out of this, and you have to play them right.


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## bryanp

Get tested for STD's.
Expose the affair to everyone.
See a lawyer to understand your options.

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If the roles were reversed would she be so accepting as you have been? Nobody respects a doormat. She has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## cardinals_fan

ok, I'll try to answer some of the questions. He is not married. I move out because I couldnt deal with seeing her or knowing when she was going out. Also to make it less stressful on my kids. I know it will be hard on them if we do divorce, but I felt it would be better for them now. One thing about me moving out is that things seem different now. What I mean is that she seems to be SLOWLY coming around. Before me moving out, she never said that she wanted to try and work this out. It was always I dont know what I want or, we could try to work it out. Yesterday she said that she want to work this out, which I respond by saying you have to end it. She said that there I go again, telling her what to do. She knew him when she lived here when she was younger. She moved away when she was 12 and came back when she was 17. She reconnected with him on that wonderful site called facebook, which I HATE!!!! She is in contact with him on her phone. Calling and texting him. She see him when she goes out. She told me a while back the old ILYBNILWY and that she wanted her space, which I gave her until I felt she was getting to distant from me. When I tried to bring her closer to me, it seemed like she was pushing even further away. The exposure part scares me A LOT. She is always telling me what happens is between us and no one else. She also tells me that I "boo hoo" to everyone, which I dont. I just need to talk to someone about it. I cant keep this bottled up or I will go certifiable crazy.


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## iheartlife

cardinals_fan said:


> Yesterday she said that she want to work this out, which I respond by saying you have to end it. She said that there I go again, telling her what to do.


I am a woman, I just have to say that upfront.

What I see in this simple phrase is that all she has to say is four little words, "you are being controlling" and wow you race away to prove that this couldn't possibly be true.

Moving out of the home to allow someone deep in an affair to continue the affair at their leisure certainly could never be considered "controlling." It's called being a doormat and women find it extremely unattractive.

Women want their man to fight for them. They use the word 'controlling' as a way of manipulating you. When they see that this is all it takes to make you fall over, any remaining respect they have for you sinks like a stone.

She is PROFOUNDLY disrespecting you and the marriage by behaving this way. You are trying to "nice" her back into faithfulness. I have NEVER seen this happen and you'll just have to trust us that you will not be successful by tackling the problem this way.

Please learn from the mistakes of others and don't try to re-invent the wheel on how to break up an affair.


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## keko

cardinals_fan said:


> Yesterday she said that she want to work this out, which I respond by saying you have to end it.


Of course she wants it to work out. She needs a free babysitter to look after the kids and a doormat to help with the bills, all while she'll be out screwing OM, OM#2, OM#3, etc.


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## warlock07

> She is always telling me what happens is between us and no one else.


don't fall for it


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## snap

cardinals_fan said:


> One thing about me moving out is that things seem different now. What I mean is that she seems to be SLOWLY coming around. Before me moving out, she never said that she wanted to try and work this out.


:slap:

Dude, it doesn't work like that! What she just found is that her guy ain't too keen on moving together with your wife. He's OK with f*cking her and you paying for her lingerie, but is maybe getting a bit bored. 

Your tactic of sitting the affair out will only work if he dumps her. This will also mean that the next time another man enters the picture, the story repeats.


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## cpacan

cardinals_fan said:


> The exposure part scares me A LOT. She is always telling me what happens is between us and no one else. She also tells me that I "boo hoo" to everyone, which I dont. I just need to talk to someone about it. I cant keep this bottled up or I will go certifiable crazy.


She is intimidating and playing you. I was a soft player my self, and I can tell you only have one option: File for divorce emediatly!

That is the only way you can call her on her actions. Either she will end the affair or not - either way, you will have answers and be able to move on with YOUR life.

You must go hard on this one.


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## cardinals_fan

you know I have been trolling on this site since the get go, and it has been very good for me. I learned a lot of things from here, especially when this first came to light with the ILYBNILWY. Such as that she was having an affair, and the way everything played out since. I guess Im just scared of the whole thing. Every aspect about it.


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## Eli-Zor

You have two choices ; fight for your marriage and children or go your own way.

If your going to fight for your marriage and children start following a plan. 

Go home now , load a keylogger and get access to his Facebook page . Him being single does not stop you damaging the affair and causing it serious harm . Expose him far and wide, parents, family friends , coworkers . Do you seriously think he will be happy chasing your wife when all around him call him a cheat . If you have to , post him on that famous site cheatersville.

Key here is for you to swallow your pain , suck it in and wage war on the affair. Do not tell her what is happening or beg, grovel or plead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snap

warlock07 said:


> don't fall for it


Quite. It's not just between you and her; the OM is also all the way in (sorry).


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## cardinals_fan

the more and more Im thinking of this, the more I believe I have to do it


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## Eli-Zor

Please read the following link, there is good advise on expose , remorse and other key items to aid you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife

cardinals_fan said:


> the more and more Im thinking of this, the more I believe I have to do it


You are afraid of losing your marriage.

WE GET THAT! We really do!

But your marriage is already lost.

You have nothing to lose.

You need to find your anger and take back what is yours.

"Manning up" is NOT about rudeness, or violence, or abuse. It's about self-confidence, self-respect, and TRUE love.


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## snap

Just a word of caution. Don't bluff about filing for D. You should be prepared to follow up, and if necessary, go through it.


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## morituri

She does not value you as a man because you do not value yourself. As long as you're willing to be her back up man, she'll continue to treat you as such. If there is any hope in saving your marriage, it lies in how willing you are to enforce non-negotiable boundaries (her ending all contact with the OM, giving you full transparency via access to all her passwords for social media, email accounts, and telephone, etc.). For the time being, I would urge you to read and implement the principles found in *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559* and *The 180 degree rules*.

If you're marriage ends, at least let in end with dignity from your part.


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## cardinals_fan

Funny thing is going on though. All of a sudden, she is calling me and being nice. Maybe this is why I am hesitant. She has talked to me more today than ever before.


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## keko

Just have her served with divorce papers, the more you stay in touch with her, the more mindf***ing you'll have to endure.


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## cardinals_fan

Funny, I read all of those post links that everyone posted last night. I thought of how to do everything, but cant really put it in perspective. Maybe Im in a fog per say. I did give her a ultimatum and said sais I was controling her. That "she" needed to figure this out. I KNOW Im being stupid and a "doormat" but I've never been afraid of anything in my life, and this scares the [email protected] out of me.


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## bryanp

Your fear is destroying you. Your wife is a cake eater who wants you as a baby sitter to continue to screw her lover. It is time for you to man up. Why would she respect a husband to allow this. Again if the roles were reversed would she be such a milk toast as you. Again if you do not respect yourself then who will?

She tells you that you are controlling for being upset about her screwing her lover? This is pathetic. It clearly is easy for her to manipulate you since you are so desperate. Would you want your children to grow up and be in a marriage like this? Get your head out of the sand.


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## keko

cardinals_fan said:


> Funny, I read all of those post links that everyone posted last night. I thought of how to do everything, but cant really put it in perspective. Maybe Im in a fog per say. I did give her a ultimatum and said sais I was controling her. That "she" needed to figure this out. I KNOW Im being stupid and a "doormat" but I've never been afraid of anything in my life, and this scares the [email protected] out of me.


Its ok to be scared. Divorce is a big step in a person's life. But knowing it is the right thing to do will help you heal faster. 

Don't give her anymore ultimatum's just do it. So far nothing has worked on her, getting served with divorce papers in front of others should be her last wake up call.


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## iheartlife

cardinals_fan said:


> Funny, I read all of those post links that everyone posted last night. I thought of how to do everything, but cant really put it in perspective. Maybe Im in a fog per say. I did give her a ultimatum and said sais I was controling her. That "she" needed to figure this out. I KNOW Im being stupid and a "doormat" but I've never been afraid of anything in my life, and this scares the [email protected] out of me.


Are you scared of losing your kids?


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## snap

It just shows you are not ready yet. 

Eventually you'll break down under the stress and see the light; it might be too late though. Anyway, we'll be here to help.

Good luck. Take care of yourself.


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## cardinals_fan

WOW. I guess thats exactly what I have been doing. Keeping my head in the sand. Funny, my family has been telling me to man up, but I guess I am too naive to take there advice. The part of my kids really hit home for me. They are the only thing I think about now. I do not want them to grow up in a house like that. Ok, now how?? I mean, what does the lawyer say, how does this work? What about money and such?


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## cardinals_fan

scared of loosing my kids, kinda. She knows that is the only thing that can truly hurt me, even though she has said she would never do that because thats what happened to her


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## keko

cardinals_fan said:


> WOW. I guess thats exactly what I have been doing. Keeping my head in the sand. Funny, my family has been telling me to man up, but I guess I am too naive to take there advice. The part of my kids really hit home for me. They are the only thing I think about now. I do not want them to grow up in a house like that. Ok, now how?? I mean, what does the lawyer say, how does this work? What about money and such?


Contact a lawyer and pay him/her the fee's to get the divorce started. On the day she is served with divorce papers, withdraw at least %50 of funds in any joint account and remove her name from any credit cards you might be sharing with her. Also on the same day move back into the house and have her move out, kindly.


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## keko

cardinals_fan said:


> scared of loosing my kids, kinda. She knows that is the only thing that can truly hurt me, even though she has said she would never do that because thats what happened to her


Do you have a history of domestic violence, drug abuse, etc.? If not you will at the very least get every other weekend and a weekday.


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## ing

Move home.. Move home.. Move home.


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## jnj express

Hey use your own ID---the cardinals lost their all everything 1st baseman, and manager----you don't see them lying down---they are fighting like he*l , and right in the thick of their National League Division----I know cuz I got Freese, and Molina on my Fantasy team---time to emulate your ball club.

By tonight you need to be back home

After that, it is up to you----She has been in this A., for a year, and you have had to watch and be destroyed, by it----what do you want----what do you want for your kids

She is the one that is outside the mge.---she has no right whatsoever, to call you controlling, in re:her being married, and running with other men----what you are doing is protecting your family

You tell her, she either is in this family, or she is out of it----it is her decision---but you will not stand by one more minute, and watch your kids be destroyed by this monster of a women, who professes to be a mother, and wife, as she cheats on all of you


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## iheartlife

cardinals_fan said:


> scared of loosing my kids, kinda. She knows that is the only thing that can truly hurt me, even though she has said she would never do that because thats what happened to her


You do know that moving out of your house is the 1# way to lose your biggest edge in terms of custody of the kids? In some cases it can be considered abandonment of the marriage. 

Moving home is:
--a way to show your wife you are committed to the marriage and you plan to fight for whatever tatters there are left
--a way to show your children how to stand up to someone who is abusing you
--a way to make sure you get the best and fairest out of any custody agreement / divorce settlement
--a way to regain your self-respect

And the downsides of moving back home are-----?


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## keko

iheartlife said:


> And the downsides of moving back home are-----?


Time wasted with a "very likely" false reconciliation. He's been out of the house this long, he really should wait until she is served to move back in. Shouldn't take more then a few days.


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## jnj express

Hey Keko----no, he needs to go home-----if she has a good atty---he will get ripped for abandonment, when this gets into a courtroom.


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## iheartlife

keko said:


> Time wasted with a "very likely" false reconciliation. He's been out of the house this long, he really should wait until she is served to move back in. Shouldn't take more then a few days.


OP, get legal advice on whether there are advantages to moving back in before or after serving her divorce papers.


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## lordmayhem

cardinals_fan said:


> Funny thing is going on though. All of a sudden, she is calling me and being nice. Maybe this is why I am hesitant. She has talked to me more today than ever before.


Of course she's being a little nice now. If you've been here for the last 3 months reading, then you know the reason: You are the back up plan in case this affair of hers doesn't work out. You are the second stringer, the benchwarmer, while the OM is her main player. How can you accept this situation? 

I won't repeat the part about moving back home, that part should be clear as day to you. You also know that WS, especially WWs love to play the controlling card, it's their main play to keep the affair alive. You should always respond with, "You're fee to do what you want, but there are consequences. This is me fighting for and protecting my marriage". 

As everyone, including your family is saying: Man the hell up already. A scared man can't win. Unless you are brave enough to pull the divorce trigger, then you will be in the hell of limbo forever, or until she decides to leave you for the OM. 


Contact a lawyer and file for divorce - this shows your commitment and strength that you can live without her. The divorce process usually takes so long that you can use this as a grace period. IF she moves out of the fog, then great. IF not, then you will not have lost anything because she was going to divorce you anyway for the OM.
Expose this affair to your family, to her family, and friends. Have you verified that OM is single? Is this what she told to you or did you find this out on your own? My own WWs OM seemed to be single on facebook too. 
Separate your finances - stop financing her affair if this is what's happening. Make the affair so inconvenient for her. Cancel any joint credit cards that you have.
Do the 180 - Stop trying to tell her to work on us. You need to use this as a tool to detach yourself and be able to move on, with or without her. Right now you are being needy and pathetic by continuing to pursue her and beg her to work on the marriage. This is unattractive, very unattractive.


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## cardinals_fan

Only been out since Friday. I do have a counseling appointment today. You know, the kids things that people are saying, really hit home for me. There was a time in my life when I thought about quitting something, but I thought to my self how can I do that and tell my kids they cant quit. That is something that really hits home with me because of that. But on the same token, isnt this quitting?? Not to sound like too much of a [email protected] I am gonna discuss this today, and get the ball rolling tomorrow. I have been going through this long enough. The way I look at it now, what do I have to loose?? My marriage is almost if not completely gone. Whats the worst thing that can happen??? I get a divorce?? Well, I said this to my self for a long time. "I'm hoping for the best, but planning for the worst" Thats about all I can do, right? If this dont make her realize what is going on, nothing will. I know I cant go on like this forever. I think the time is now.


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## survivorwife

jnj express said:


> Hey Keko----no, he needs to go home-----if she has a good atty---he will get ripped for abandonment, when this gets into a courtroom.


Not only that, the wife and children get preference over the use of the marital home, regardless of who is at fault. Now if he goes back, and SHE leaves, HE would get the same preference. It's really about disrupting the children; the Court will leave THEM in the marital home with the "custodial parent".


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## lordmayhem

cardinals_fan said:


> Only been out since Friday. I do have a counseling appointment today. You know, the kids things that people are saying, really hit home for me. There was a time in my life when I thought about quitting something, but I thought to my self how can I do that and tell my kids they cant quit. That is something that really hits home with me because of that. But on the same token, isnt this quitting?? Not to sound like too much of a [email protected] I am gonna discuss this today, and get the ball rolling tomorrow. I have been going through this long enough. The way I look at it now, what do I have to loose?? My marriage is almost if not completely gone. Whats the worst thing that can happen??? I get a divorce?? Well, I said this to my self for a long time. "I'm hoping for the best, but planning for the worst" Thats about all I can do, right? If this dont make her realize what is going on, nothing will. I know I cant go on like this forever. I think the time is now.


What kind of example are you showing for your kids? You are showing your kids that its ok for their mom to treat you like this. That its ok to accept the emotional abuse of an affair. You are not setting a good example for them.


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## cardinals_fan

No drug use, no violence. Thats not me.


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## cardinals_fan

You are right. This is showing a bad example for my kids. DAMMIT!!!!!That really hurts me to say.


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## keko

jnj express said:


> Hey Keko----no, he needs to go home-----if she has a good atty---he will get ripped for abandonment, when this gets into a courtroom.





iheartlife said:


> OP, get legal advice on whether there are advantages to moving back in before or after serving her divorce papers.


He should check his state laws but most of the time its about 6 months to a year for it to be considered abandonment. Considering he's been out since friday all he needs to say is he went camping or something similar. 

Im afraid if he goes back before starting the divorce he'll be back to square one and lose time with a false R.


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## ing

Hi.
If you want your kids. Move home. 

Forget your wife, when you say "NO" she is going to turn into the most evil person you have ever seen. 
You are not going to recognize her at all.

You are not going to believe the crap that is pulled. Your job now is to protect the kids from this. THIS IS YOUR JOB. 

Right now she is planning on introducing the OM to the kids. She is planning him staying over in a few weeks when it 'settles down"
She is planning that you will pop in for a coffee and have a laugh with them both about all this. She won't get them to call him Daddy though. That would be disrespectful. She will believe all this. She is in a relationship which has been going a year and you have approved of it. Now you are withdrawing that approval and she is going to go mental.

Move home. NOW. Say nothing

Get your credit cards and bank accounts organised. You are going to need money as she may empty the account.

Organize some vacation time. 

This next bit is important. rather that just saying fck off [unlike me] . You need to be very clear as to why she has to leave the house. 
"If you want to continue the affair you must leave. You can see the kids whenever you like, but you can not live here while you continue the affair."

She almost certainly storm out and threaten you with everything and anything.

Change the locks. 

She will try and negotiate. Don't.
She will lie to you. You will know when this is happening for two reasons. 

1) Her lips are moving
2) She will look you straight in the eye when she does it. Be aware of this. 

Stand firm.


----------



## iheartlife

keko said:


> Im afraid if he goes back before starting the divorce he'll be back to square one and lose time with a false R.


You beat me to it. I logged back in for the sole purpose of saying that it hit me WHY keko said what he said--once he is back within a few feet of her, she will start controlling him again just like a robot and divorce will fall right off the table.

Go to a lawyer ASAP, get the ball rolling, get the advice, and don't say keko didn't warn you


----------



## TBT

cardinals_fan said:


> Funny thing is going on though. All of a sudden, she is calling me and being nice. Maybe this is why I am hesitant. She has talked to me more today than ever before.


Nothing but throwing you a bone in exchange for cake eating imo.


----------



## Halien

cardinals_fan said:


> Funny thing is going on though. All of a sudden, she is calling me and being nice. Maybe this is why I am hesitant. She has talked to me more today than ever before.


Over the course of weeks, you went from accusing her to only recently moving out and giving her freedom. That's definately less pressure on her. Now, if you tell her that you are completely okay with the cheating, AND you'll stay married to provide her an added income, she'll become your best friend.


----------



## Complexity

Are you married to a sociopath? did she honestly tell you "you're telling me what to do" when you told her to stop the affair? CF, your wife has broken you down mentally, you almost come across like an abused spouse. For the sake of your self worth you need to file for divorce ASAP


----------



## donders

cardinals_fan said:


> you know I have been trolling on this site since the get go


You've been lurking not trolling.



cardinals_fan said:


> Funny thing is going on though. All of a sudden, she is calling me and being nice. Maybe this is why I am hesitant. She has talked to me more today than ever before.


Is there an expression called "straw grasping"? If so, that's what you're doing right now. She's just playing you, sort of like a person might do with their dog. "Here Bowser, have a peanut butter filled toy, this will keep you busy while I go do..something else". Don't be fooled by it.




cardinals_fan said:


> scared of loosing my kids, kinda. She knows that is the only thing that can truly hurt me, even though she has said she would never do that because thats what happened to her


Yeah that's what they all say. I'm sure she has also said, or "will" say that if you divorce she would never hurt you and only ask you for enough to live on. don't believe a word she says.


A few other comments.

1- The posters that tell you to move home immediately are absolutely right. By staying away you are enabling her to do as she pleases, you lose a negotiating edge in the upcoming divorce battle and you will give her a huge advantage if there is a custody battle. A good attorney can easily twist things to make it look like you abandoned her and the kids.

2- I get that you're scared and you're afraid of losing your wife and your life as you know it is over and you'll have to rebuild. You might be afraid of going bankrupt and even losing your kids. all these things are possibilities however unlikely they may be but the point is, and it has been made by others already, is that your cards have been dealt and you are forced to play them at this time. The longer you wait, the more indecisive you are, the more bad decisions you make (such as moving out and not taking action to divorce her), the deeper in the hole you will ultimately find yourself.


----------



## jnj express

If you are seeing an IC---that is good---do not waste time with a MC, for as of right now, you have no mge., to discuss---she refuses to leave her lover, so there certainly is NO mge.


----------



## Thorburn

You have gotten good advice. Expose the A. Expose it big time. You want the A to end the best chance is to expose it. Exposing the A may not always work to your advantage but in more cases than not it does end it.

Move back home. All you are doing is letting her have more free time to continue the A and he could move in.

Lawyer up.

Get tested for STD's. i did today and should have over 6 months ago.

Go cold/dark on the wife. Have as little contact as possible. When you do talk be polite and matter of fact. I would threaten D but only do this if you plan to do it. Talk to an attorney and start the paperwork. No bluffing, she will see right through it.

You are in the mode of I can't believe it and you are focusing on your marriage before D-day. Your marriage is over and your wife is dead. The marriage you knew and the wife you thought you knew. She is dead. If you want your marriage to work out then expose it, file for D, and move back home.

No matter what you do your life will suck, so try to get some control. Don't beg or plead. Stand firm. Your life has crumbled, I know brother, I am living it, at least my wife ended her A and did not give me the controlling bit. I honestly would have hurt two people if it had continued and ended up in jail. That is not you but brother, your wife says you can't control her, well she can't control you and don't let her. Take charge.


----------



## Shaggy

Ask yourself how you actually doing exposure could make this worse?

Your wife has openly chosen another man over you. She has had you leave your house and kids to give her freedom to have sex with him

She is openly having sex with him and refusing to stop. 

You are still paying the bills but living away from home

And you are worried that she might be upset by you telling friends and family the truth?

Are you worried she might stop using your paycheck to buy clothes and makeup so she looks good for he bf?

Seriously right now it's as bad as it can get. And you got here by being a doormat who is afraid to demand she end her affair or get out and D. 

The wait and hope approach is failing. She has chosen the other guy. 

So stop doing it. Move back today. Notify friends and family of her choice to cheat with the OM. Name him in the letter 

Stop being passive and turn up the heat on her. If she tells you not to do a thing then you should do it immediately. 

Also cut off her access to credit and your money. No joInt CC no joint bank. You pay all the bills. And you give her nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

Her suggestion to back off and let her finish cheating on her own time is insane. Think about it, what she is saying that after she is tired of being used by the OM, she might return to you.

Seriously? Why would anyone accept that offer? On the other side, why would a woman want to be with a man with so little self respect that he would accept such an offer.

The only at you are going to have any chance here is to go nuclear on the affair and humiliate her to family and friends for doing it. To shock her completely and show her that you too have a choice and it is to refuse to accommodate or accept her cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## donders

Thorburn said:


> Expose the A. Expose it big time. You want the A to end the best chance is to expose it. Exposing the A may not always work to your advantage but in more cases than not it does end it.





Shaggy said:


> Ask yourself how you actually doing exposure could make this worse?


This sort of advice is rampant on this board and very reckless. While it may be true that exposing affairs usually end them it doesn't typically result in the wayward spouse wanting to reconcile. Especially in cases when the affair is no secret and the wayward spouse has no intention of stopping it. All exposure will do is increase the conflict in the impending inevitable divorce and increase strife and legal fees. Any chance of settling this through mediation will likely be lost forever. Do not, I repeat do NOT expose the affair, this is poor strategy!



Thorburn said:


> I would threaten D but only do this if you plan to do it.


My advice is not to do this. You think she'll respond to a threat of divorce by giving up the other guy and running back into your arms? That's ridiculous and even if it happened it's for the wrong reasons. At this point it's damage control and cutting your losses. Your marriage is over. Go get a lawyer and file for divorce, maintain the upper hand which you will do with the element of surprise.



Thorburn said:


> Take charge.


This is good advice.


----------



## tacoma

CF you`re being mind ****ed by her with the "I have to figure this out,you`re controlling" bull****.
She owns you and she knows it, hell you know it.

Move home
Work the 180
If the OM is married/involved expose the affair
File for divorce

Wait and see what she does


----------



## morituri

So you are willing to live for decades in a one-sided open marriage for your kids sake? How nice, how noble of you. I'm sure that you'll be very proud when your daughters turn into cheating wives themselves and your sons into happy cuckold husbands. Oh and don't forget the kids your wife will be having with the OM and that you will babysit while they go have their fun. But hey, it's for the kids sake, right?


----------



## Shaggy

@donders , you say take charge, but them advise against actually doing anything. What would you suggest he do? A strongly worded hallmark card?

When it is at the point of your wife looking you in the eye, admitting she is having sex with another man, and she unabashedly refuses to quit until she is good and ready, quite seriously there aren't any other options apart exposing/D and bring a cuckold. Because there really isn't any middle ground. 

I suppose her could inform her that the marriage is now open and he is going to find his own sex partner to replace her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## donders

Shaggy said:


> @donders , you say take charge, but them advise against actually doing anything. What would you suggest he do? A strongly worded hallmark card?


Please reread my post. I DID suggest that he see an attorney and file for divorce, and move back home:



donders said:


> At this point it's damage control and cutting your losses. Your marriage is over. Go get a lawyer and file for divorce, maintain the upper hand which you will do with the element of surprise.





Shaggy said:


> @When it is at the point of your wife looking you in the eye, admitting she is having sex with another man, and she unabashedly refuses to quit until she is good and ready, quite seriously there aren't any other options apart exposing/D and bring a cuckold. Because there really isn't any middle ground.


I agree there is no middle ground, but that's not the point.



Shaggy said:


> I suppose her could inform her that the marriage is now open and he is going to find his own sex partner to replace her


That won't accomplish anything at all. 

The goals here (as I see it) are to get out of this failed marriage as smoothly and as cheaply with as little emotional damage to himself and his kids as possible.

That means not doing anything to escalate the conflict.

P.S. Yes to all the advice from other posters as to taking steps to protect finances in terms of joint credit cards, bank accounts etc.

Also by you volunarily moving out she has better grounds to ask the courts to forbid you to return to the home since conflict is high and you have already found an alternate residence.


----------



## snap

donders said:


> The goals here (as I see it) are to get out of this failed marriage as smoothly and as cheaply with as little emotional damage to himself and his kids as possible.


Do you consider allowing to wipe feet on your back not incurring emotional damage?


----------



## donders

snap said:


> Do you consider allowing to wipe feet on your back not incurring emotional damage?


It sure is.

Which is why I have suggested he get an attorney, file for divorce and move back home (to maintain a legal advantage).

Exposing the affair is not going to bring her back, it's only going to escalate the conflict. Threatening divorce won't bring her back, it will only cause him to give up the element of surprise and another possible legal advantage.


----------



## warlock07

Isn't not exposing her affair enabling the behavior? Exposing proves that it is indeed shameful behavior she is indulging in.

CF, believe us. Just take this leap of faith. Don't engage the wife. She is evil. Expose to her family first. Then yours. Then mutual friends. If the OM is involved , his family and parents too.

If she comes back after that, you might have a chance to repair. This marriage is already dead. You already lost this marriage and she does not have one tiny bit of respect anyway.


----------



## Gabriel

Shaggy said:


> Her suggestion to back off and let her finish cheating on her own time is insane. Think about it, what she is saying that after she is tired of being used by the OM, she might return to you.
> 
> Seriously? Why would anyone accept that offer? On the other side, why would a woman want to be with a man with so little self respect that he would accept such an offer.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know, right? My God.


----------



## donders

warlock07 said:


> Isn't not exposing her affair enabling the behavior? Exposing proves that it is indeed shameful behavior she is indulging in.


Enabling? She's going to do it anyway. Or she'll decide to stop on her own. Or she'll stop after it's exposed. People may find out about it after "exposure" and point their fingers and say "tsk tsk that's shameful behavior". So what? 

Meanwhile she'll be furious and the divorce attorneys feed that and 5 years and 10's of thousands of dollars later they finally settle the divorce for what the parties could have agreed to if they remained civil and amicable rather than taking shots at each other.

The marriage is OVER.

The goal is to get out of the marriage as quickly as possible not to do things to show other people how shameful she is. What they think doesn't matter.

I am not advocating "inaction" I am advocating the "right" action.


----------



## snap

..and wait while she ****talks him to everybody who'd listen? You know she would, because people will ask for the reasons they split up, and you can bet it will be a different story.

Does one's dignity cost less than a *possible* legal battle?


----------



## lordmayhem

donders said:


> Enabling? She's going to do it anyway. Or she'll decide to stop on her own. Or she'll stop after it's exposed. People may find out about it after "exposure" and point their fingers and say "tsk tsk that's shameful behavior".
> 
> Meanwhile she'll be furious and the divorce attorneys feed that and 5 years and 10's of thousands of dollars later they finally settle the divorce for what the parties could have agreed to if they remained civil and amicable rather than taking shots at each other.


Could you provide some links to those stories here where exposure made things worse and the divorce more costly? Or are you just speculating? 

By the same token, I can tell you that those of us in R used exposure, which ended the affair AND made the WS come back to the marriage. Exposure may not work in every instance, especially the walk away wives, but its better than to just sit there and be a chump and suck it up. And in many cases, the WS has already demonized you to some people already. Exposure sets the record straight. 

Even in cases where exposure did NOT result in the spouse coming back to the marriage, I have not read where it made the divorce worse. Want some examples? How about our famous Shamwow, bandit45, shooboof(?), ing, etc.


----------



## snap

Down with p*ssyfooting!


----------



## donders

lordmayhem said:


> Could you provide some links to those stories here where exposure made things worse and the divorce more costly? Or are you just speculating?


Having been through my own high conflict, very expensive and dragged out divorce I know better than to do something that gains nothing but more conflict. 

I realize that it doesn't matter what noninvolved, 3rd party gossipers think or say, true friends will stick by you and those who "take her side" and look at you with disdain, who are not interested in hearing your side of the story without some sort of "proof" are not worth your time anyway.

I have met several women in my post divorce dating years who have their own tales of divorce, the woman I'm currently seeing was able to keep her cool in a situation where the potential for conflict was high and got out of her bad marriage with a cost of under $10,000.

I have read many threads on here where after exposure the cheating spouse is furious.

I haven't read any threads where the cheating spouse's affair has been discovered, the cheating spouse basically says "Yeah I'm cheating, so what I'm going to keep doing it" and then the affair is exposed and there is a successful reconciliation.

You put it all together and it _just makes sense._

Even in a situation as bad as this, the goal is to minimize conflict, concentrate on what is best for you, don't do things just to win approval of noninvolved 3rd parties, and accept that when you've got a cheating spouse who has no interest in reconciling the best course of action is to proceed with a speedy divorce and avoid unecessary litigation and associated exhorbitant legal fees.

The other advantage of less conflict is it's better for the kids in so many ways that I won't go into because it's beyond the scope of this thread.



snap said:


> ..and wait while she ****talks him to everybody who'd listen? You know she would, because people will ask for the reasons they split up, and you can bet it will be a different story.
> 
> Does one's dignity cost less than a *possible* legal battle?


Take the high road, don't sling the proverbial mud, anyone who is interested can ask you for your side of the story and if you care to give it, explain that she found someone that she likes better and you aren't going to stick around playing 2nd best.


----------



## snap

> I have read many threads on here where after exposure the cheating spouse is furious.


They ALL furious, my dear friend.

That's quite a different thing from a messy divorce though.


----------



## lordmayhem

donders said:


> Having been through my own high conflict, very expensive and dragged out divorce I know better than to do something that gains nothing but more conflict.
> 
> I realize that it doesn't matter what noninvolved, 3rd party gossipers think or say, true friends will stick by you and those who "take her side" and look at you with disdain, who are not interested in hearing your side of the story without some sort of "proof" are not worth your time anyway.
> 
> I have met several women in my post divorce dating years who have their own tales of divorce, the woman I'm currently seeing was able to keep her cool in a situation where the potential for conflict was high and got out of her bad marriage with a cost of under $10,000.
> 
> I have read many threads on here where after exposure the cheating spouse is furious.
> 
> I haven't read any threads where the cheating spouse's affair has been discovered, the cheating spouse basically says "Yeah I'm cheating, so what I'm going to keep doing it" and then the affair is exposed and there is a successful reconciliation.
> 
> You put it all together and it _just makes sense._
> 
> Even in a situation as bad as this, the goal is to minimize conflict, concentrate on what is best for you, don't do things just to win approval of noninvolved 3rd parties, and accept that when you've got a cheating spouse who has no interest in reconciling the best course of action is to proceed with a speedy divorce and avoid unecessary litigation and associated exhorbitant legal fees.
> 
> The other advantage of less conflict is it's better for the kids in so many ways that I won't go into because it's beyond the scope of this thread.
> 
> 
> 
> Take the high road, don't sling the proverbial mud, anyone who is interested can ask you for your side of the story and if you care to give it, explain that she found someone that she likes better and you aren't going to stick around playing 2nd best.


You went through a high conflict divorce where there was no cheating involved. So your ex-wife felt justified in fighting you every step of the way.

Exposure takes the wind out of their sails and they lose the moral high ground because deep down, they KNOW that what they did was wrong. Exposure in divorces caused by adultery makes the cheater want to get it over with as soon as possible. 

And that's been show here in this forum and most every other forum on the internet that deals with infidelity. So your theory is not sound at all.


----------



## MattMatt

snap said:


> :slap:
> 
> Dude, it doesn't work like that! What she just found is that her guy ain't too keen on moving together with your wife. He's OK with f*cking her and you paying for her lingerie, but is maybe getting a bit bored.
> 
> Your tactic of sitting the affair out will only work if he dumps her. This will also mean that the next time another man enters the picture, the story repeats.


She told the OM you moved out and he made nervous noises. She then panicked and decided that she needed to set up plan B, which is her "begging" you to come back to her, now the OM has told her to take a hike, I mean, she has seen sense. Yeah... right...


----------



## Shaggy

She also might be finding it hard to go on dates without a cheap babysitter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## donders

lordmayhem said:


> Exposure takes the wind out of their sails and they lose the moral high ground because deep down, they KNOW that what they did was wrong. Exposure in divorces caused by adultery makes the cheater want to get it over with as soon as possible.
> 
> And that's been show here in this forum and most every other forum on the internet that deals with infidelity. So your theory is not sound at all.


Seems rather farfetched that she's going to do a complete about face after exposure and she'll be remorseful and want to be with him again and they'll go on to make a save and be together for another 30 years or so.

As compared to:

(After speaking to an attorney, getting his ducks all lined up in a row and filing a petition with the court)

"Honey, there's no point in being together seeing that you've found another man and you have no interest in coming back to me. I've filed for divorce, you'll be receiving paperwork shortly, it is my hope that we can get this thing wrapped up quickly for the best interests of you, me and the children".


----------



## Jibril

cardinals_fan said:


> You know, the kids things that people are saying, really hit home for me. There was a time in my life when I thought about quitting something, but I thought to my self how can I do that and tell my kids they cant quit. That is something that really hits home with me because of that. But on the same token, isnt this quitting??


I know others have already addressed this point, but I wanted to reiterate - by staying in this ridiculous and abusive relationship, you're setting an example for your kids. A very _*bad*_ one. You're essentially showing them that it's okay to take abuse and be humiliated by someone that claims they love them, because "daddy did it too." Your son or daughter may end up in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, and look back and think, 

"Wow, this really sucks. But my father endured the ridicule and swept my mother's affair under the rug. He stuck with her despite the shame and utter lack of respect she showed him. I think I'll stay in this horribly abusive relationship, and see if we can work things out. Or at least, sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen, because dad did it, too." 

Quite simply, it is ridiculous that she wants to continue her affair and remain married to you. She wants the affair to fizzle out on its own, and come back to you and pretend nothing happened? And you're supposed to be _okay_ with this? What if it doesn't fizzle out? Her head is in the clouds right now - she may very well think her affair partner is the bee's knees and opt to _marry_ him, and leave you by the wayside. It probably won't work out, and she'll be right back at your doorstep, expecting to be let back in. 

Are you some doormat, to be stepped on and ignored? You're supposed to be her husband - her _partner_. Yet she is willingly giving herself to another man, and has forsaken you and the covenant she formed with you. 

She is not your partner anymore. She has decided to partner-up with someone else. 

Look. I understand that you probably want this nightmare to end, and go back to the way things are. You may want to give it the old "college try" and maintain the status quo for the sake of the kids. Don't. *Do not*. 

You need to respect yourself better than this. Divorce her. Do not look back. Go to your lawyer, and draft up the paperwork. Hit her with it. She will claim to end her affair. She will claim that she wants to work things out with you. *Do not* buy it. By divorcing her, you show her that you respect yourself and will not tolerate her shenanigans. 

But here's the important part - you *cannot* bluff the divorce. You need to do it for yourself, not because you want to con her back into the marriage.

If she shows genuine remorse, and promises not to contact the other man and devote herself entirely to you, and shows her devotion over an extended period of time, then and _only_ then should you consider remarrying her. Yes, _re_-marry, because the marriage you know and love is over. She backed out, and broke the covenant when she opted to have an affair. Any reconciliation you have with her will work towards building a _new_ marriage.

And that will be a _long_ and _arduous_ road. One that will take _years_ of time and effort on both your parts to successfully complete. But that's not in the cards now. Don't worry about reconcile - worry about removing the cancer (her) with divorce, and healing yourself. 

You _must_, for your health and peace of mind.


----------



## Shaggy

A big part of exposure is to kick out fom under the relationship the people who contribute either knowingly or unknowingly to supporting it.

It tells friends and family, that this person is cheating. They maybe using you to proved cover, babysittting, or a lot of things including places to meet up.

It also tells people the truth so they don't just smile at the WS and be pleasant if they see WS and OM out in a date.

It makes the affair face the light of day and reality.

It also shows the WS that they don't have the bs cowerd into silence or acceptance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gabriel

Shaggy said:


> A big part of exposure is to kick out fom under the relationship the people who contribute either knowingly or unknowingly to supporting it.
> 
> It tells friends and family, that this person is cheating. They maybe using you to proved cover, babysittting, or a lot of things including places to meet up.
> 
> It also tells people the truth so they don't just smile at the WS and be pleasant if they see WS and OM out in a date.
> 
> It makes the affair face the light of day and reality.
> 
> It also shows the WS that they don't have the bs cowerd into silence or acceptance.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Right. Donders, the exposure advice is for those that want a chance to reconcile, not for those looking for a peaceful divorce. If you want to reconcile, you have to kill the affair. Exposure does that. Sure, there is fallout, but it's effective for marriage enemy #1 - the affair. 

She'll get angry, etc, etc, and if it makes her want to divorce and be vindictive about it, you can always throw the affair proof in her face anytime you want. And most people don't want that because it's embarrassing and potentially harmful to their case, so they relent.

Your advice about p*ssyfooting around is fine for those trying to have an amicable divorce. But not for those trying to save their marriage/family.


----------



## iheartlife

Many people, when they get married, have a wedding ceremony.

If you look up 'sample wedding ceremony,' you will see that right there in the ceremony is a request for community support for the marriage. It's phrased in different ways. At our wedding, the minister appealed to the congregation to support us as a new wedded couple.

Presumably, family and friends are the ones attending this ceremony.

Exposure is simply calling on this request that the minister made back when the vows were taken.

It is done in a matter-of-fact, non-vindictive way. It is not about punishment. Exposure is simply providing information in a very clear way with a simple request that the marriage be supported because the spouse making the request wants to heal the marriage.


----------



## Gabriel

iheartlife said:


> Many people, when they get married, have a wedding ceremony.
> 
> If you look up 'sample wedding ceremony,' you will see that right there in the ceremony is a request for community support for the marriage. It's phrased in different ways. At our wedding, the minister appealed to the congregation to support us as a new wedded couple.
> 
> Presumably, family and friends are the ones attending this ceremony.
> 
> Exposure is simply calling on this request that the minister made back when the vows were taken.
> 
> It is done in a matter-of-fact, non-vindictive way. It is not about punishment. Exposure is simply providing information in a very clear way with a simple request that the marriage be supported because the spouse making the request wants to heal the marriage.


Wow, this is a terrific way of looking at it, and the approach people should take. It's not a spiteful thing, but rather a call for help. Great stuff.


----------



## donders

Gabriel said:


> Your advice about p*ssyfooting around is fine for those trying to have an amicable divorce. But not for those trying to save their marriage/family.


Right. Surely my suggestion to see an attorney, line up all his ducks, file for divorce and move back into his home can be construed as "p*ssyfooting around" because it doesn't agree with your methods of exposure which will definitely NOT bring this woman back into his arms given that she's told him right upfront she prefers the OM over him. 

This is one of the main reasons given for exposing the affair:



Shaggy said:


> It also tells people the truth so they don't just smile at the WS and be pleasant if they see WS and OM out in a date.


Yeah let's escalate the conflict and ensure a vindictive highly litgated divorce, as long as we can ruin their dinner date!



Shaggy said:


> It also shows the WS that they don't have the bs cowerd into silence or acceptance.


Having her served with divorce papers does that.

And much more.



Gabriel said:


> Right. Donders, the exposure advice is for those that want a chance to reconcile, not for those looking for a peaceful divorce.


Reconciling with a cheater who has thrown in your face that they'd rather be screwing someone else is sending a message that their antics are "accepted" or at the very least "will be tolerated".

I get that there can sometimes, albeit rarely, "successful reconciliation" following an affair. But not when it's a situation like this, where the affair is discovered, it's right out in the open, and the cheater says "yeah I'm doing it and I'm going to keep right on doing it".

Nothing left to save.

Damage control only at this point.



iheartlife said:


> It is done in a matter-of-fact, non-vindictive way. It is not about punishment. Exposure is simply providing information in a very clear way with a simple request that the marriage be supported because the spouse making the request wants to heal the marriage.


I'm not suggesting exposure is to "punish". It's a feeble attempt (in this case) to fix something that is iretrievably broken.

If you want to make the healing analogy, it's like trying to fix terminal cancer of the liver by doing a frontal lobotomy.


----------



## cardinals_fan

Well, I made the appointment to speak with an lawyer. I see her this week. I am finally manning up to the situation. I know I have to do this. Everyone was right in saying that I was in a fog. I was stupid into thinking that everything was going to be ok if I let time go by. I waited long enough for her to try and figure this out. Now it my time. I never was someone who wanted to share anything, so why in the hell was I willing to share my wife??? I feel so ashamed that I waited this long to do something, but I know I am doing the right thing. I went to my counselor today, and he give the same advice that everyone here gave me, which I am truly great full for. I am not bluffing anymore, and this NOT I repeat NOT lip service. Its time to stand up for myself and my 2 children. We both(me and the kids) do not deserve this. God, I cant believe it took me this long to figure this out. Like everyone told me I was being naive about this situation. I truly thought it would work it self out if I gave her time to think about it. Gee, I feel like such a schmuck!!


----------



## cardinals_fan

I just checked the phone records, and low and behold, she has been texting him still. I am going to completely blind side her with this. She always told me that I am nothing but a big p*ssy, well, guess what, NOT NO MORE!!!!!!! Time to be the biggest [email protected] in the world!!!!


----------



## iheartlife

thought the better of it


----------



## cardinals_fan

Complexity said:


> Are you married to a sociopath? did she honestly tell you "you're telling me what to do" when you told her to stop the affair? CF, your wife has broken you down mentally, you almost come across like an abused spouse. For the sake of your self worth you need to file for divorce ASAP


Yes she did. Many times Every time I would say that, thats exactly what she would say to me.


----------



## MattMatt

Has you wife being visiting sites that advise cheaters how to mentally castrate their spouse? Just a thought, as it seems like she is going to a script.


----------



## cardinals_fan

MattMatt said:


> Has you wife being visiting sites that advise cheaters how to mentally castrate their spouse? Just a thought, as it seems like she is going to a script.


LOL, maybe she is.


----------



## Complexity

What made her become like this? was this change sudden? Because I'm wondering what you ever saw in someone so cruel?


----------



## cardinals_fan

It was all of a sudden. Hind sight is 20 20. Never saw anything like this coming. NOT AT ALL!!


----------



## MattMatt

cardinals_fan said:


> It was all of a sudden. Hind sight is 20 20. Never saw anything like this coming. NOT AT ALL!!


Then it is possibly a deliberate ploy to make you act in certain ways. Try to react in ways she would not expect. Go "off script."


----------



## cardinals_fan

MattMatt said:


> Then it is possibly a deliberate ploy to make you act in certain ways. Try to react in ways she would not expect. Go "off script."


thats what I am doing. She would never expect this. Like she said, Im a big p*ssy.


----------



## ing

Hi again
Your situation is very much like mine was. She sees you as a family member because she has compartmentalized the affair. 
I am sorry to say that you need to look at yourself a bit [hindsight is a glorious thing]
Why have you allowed this?
What is it about her that makes you so accepting?

Put those questions on the back burner. 

Right now you need to protect yourself. Almost anything you do will result in her being angry because you are the reasonable, self effacing and rational one in the relationship . Right?

Go buy No More Mr Nice Guy. This will hurt when you read it because you may see the reason you are here.

Nobody has said much in the rush to offer urgent advice but we are all really, really sorry you are here. We are all really sorry that you have joined the club nobody wants to belong to. We will support you. Much of the advice is to protect you and allow you to recover as fast as you can emotionally. It is going to take time. Feel free to vent here. 

We realize that you are in trauma at the moment. Most of us have been there and can feel the pain in your posts.

Lock your computer account when you get home. Do not tell her about this site. She is not your friend. That woman has gone. I am sorry.

Exposure. 
Timing. Get yourself home. Get your finances worked out. tell her that she must leave to continue the affair . 
I highly doubt it will do anything at this stage but worth a go. 
Expose. The aim here is to kill the affair, if not for you, for your kids. 

Try not to be the Fixer anymore. It is not your job now.


----------



## morituri

No need to buy NMMNG. Here's a free copy you can download and print *No More Mr Nice Guy*.


----------



## Shaggy

Does she work? If not then you have a lot of power here.

First stop giving her cash or access to your paycheck.
Second stop credit cards.
Next call the cell phone company and either block his number or better yet, turn off her phone.
Btw, don't threaten to do any of this or warn her. Just do it.
Buy a three vars. Two are for in her car. Put one in with velcro and the second is to swap in when you pull the other to listen to. The third is to carry on you at all times when with her.
Find all you can about the OM, and where they go together. Pay someone if you have, but get every detail about his life current and past. The info about where she goes with him is so you can check up on her and so you can disrupt their meetups if you choose to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

cardinals_fan said:


> thats what I am doing. She would never expect this. Like she said, Im a big p*ssy.


Be the kind that has big teeth and sharp claws. *That'll *get her attention!


----------



## Shaggy

Now that you are fired up you likely will get the urge to talk to her, to show her your new strength and fangs.

Don't. That will fail and leave you feeling worse.

Instead, move home, be a great father, and be indifferent to her. In fact just ignore her like she is a piece of furniture. Do not engage her with questions. Do not get up to help with carrying bags or killing spiders. Do absolutely nothing. 


Indifference is a far more effective weapon than talking in these circumstances. If she asks explain that until there is only two people in the marriage, you have nothing to offer her. Nothing at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

Since you are big pvssy, why not go all the way to be one of the biggest and baddest them of all?


----------



## cardinals_fan

morituri said:


> Since you are big pvssy, why not go all the way to be one of the biggest and baddest them of all?


that is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I never thought of that. Talk about putting a HUGE smile on my face:lol: Like I said, time for stealth mode. See'll never see this coming. NEVER. As far as work, she does. I know A LOT about him, more then she does, which is funny. I cant go into specifics on here, but trust me, I know more then she does. It took me a long while to man up, and like I said before, when people talk about my kids and how they perceive me, thats when it really hits home.


----------



## cardinals_fan

Oh yeah, I did disrupt one of there meeting, and when she came home she said I was stalking her and that I was crazy. For a few hours I thought maybe I was crazy, then I realized, I am crazy....... Like a fox


----------



## iheartlife

cardinals_fan said:


> Oh yeah, I did disrupt one of there meeting, and when she came home she said I was stalking her and that I was crazy. For a few hours I thought maybe I was crazy, then I realized, I am crazy....... Like a fox


This happened before you moved out?


----------



## cardinals_fan

yep. about a week before


----------



## cardinals_fan

morituri said:


> No need to buy NMMNG. Here's a free copy you can download and print *No More Mr Nice Guy*.


Thanks for this. I am starting to read it now.


----------



## Complexity

Are you leaning more towards reconciliation or divorce after what she's done?


----------



## tacoma

MattMatt said:


> Be the kind that has big teeth and sharp claws. *That'll *get her attention!


I thought they all had those?

:scratchhead:


----------



## OldWolf57

If anyone tell you not to expose on this site, check to see how long they have been here. It seems as if we are getting trojens from the cheaters site here. And don't laugh, there are links on some threads, and if you go there, you will see how much they advise, laugh and support each other. There are PLENTY of threads here where wife left when exposed, but came to their senses. So listen to the VETS and not the newbies touchie feelers who may be trojans trying to limit the damage to the WS.


----------



## cardinals_fan

right now, Im kinda in limbo. I want to try and reconcile but I dont want to be the one who is putting in 150% and she is only putting in 50%


----------



## cardinals_fan

OldWolf57 said:


> If anyone tell you not to expose on this site, check to see how long they have been here. It seems as if we are getting trojens from the cheaters site here. And don't laugh, there are links on some threads, and if you go there, you will see how much they advise, laugh and support each other. There are PLENTY of threads here where wife left when exposed, but came to their senses. So listen to the VETS and not the newbies touchie feelers who may be trojans trying to limit the damage to the WS.


Thanks for the advice


----------



## the guy

8 pages and less then 24 hours, is there nay thing I can add?

Let me just be in the crowd that tells you to file, and file now. Remember, getting her served is completely diferent then finalinzing a divorce. There is always a waiting period and in that time your WW will see the reality of her choices.

And I'm sure it it was asked "why did you move out"? But I'm sure you were told to move back in............

The bottom line is you need to piss your chick off as much as you can. You must show her you are letting her go by pushing her awway and then go dark........ until she get mad and you go dark is when she starts to think twice that you will no longer be around. Once that hate she has for you and you go dark ..... will she second quess her choices.

These tactics will either get her chacing you or it will help you emotionally and put you on tract to find a chick that will be loyal.

Until you really piss them off they will always think you will be around for when the OM dumbs them. Then you go dark and wait for the "chase" they always chase once the anger subsides.

Whats nice is the OM deals with her sh!tty additude, will you go. dark.


----------



## the guy

Do not let her know you want to work it out. Fake it until you make it.....she has to really believe you are freaking gone before she starts the chase.

IT ALL A PERCEPTION!!!!!!!!!!


You have to start acting...I mean really act like you don't give a sh!t.....

I'm telling you your chick still think you will be the fall back guy. If she realy thought you would kick her to the curb she would have lied and told you the A was over. But she knows you and has your # so she can AFFORD TO TELL YOU THAT SHE WILL DO WHAT SHE WANTS while you wait around.


----------



## ing

Shaggy said:


> Now that you are fired up you likely will get the urge to talk to her, to show her your new strength and fangs.
> 
> Don't. That will fail and leave you feeling worse.
> 
> Instead, move home, be a great father, and be indifferent to her. In fact just ignore her like she is a piece of furniture. Do not engage her with questions. Do not get up to help with carrying bags or killing spiders. Do absolutely nothing.
> 
> 
> Indifference is a far more effective weapon than talking in these circumstances. If she asks explain that until there is only two people in the marriage, you have nothing to offer her. Nothing at all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I liked this, but it is incredibly hard to do! Meds would help enormously here. You need balls of steel for this Shaggy.


----------



## the guy

There are stages man, I'mtelling you you have to have a battle plan and when the time is right and you think you need to push then push, when the time is right to back off then back off. Then wait for the chase.


----------



## the guy

I may be new the the thread, but after almost 3,400 I can tell you the tough approuch is the right approach. But in the same breath you have to think and make a plan and work the plan.

Exposesure also has steps in who you expose to and what time to expose.

Right now OM side should be exposed, then you wait and see...give it time to see if it has an effect, then you move to her side with exposure.


----------



## cardinals_fan

ing said:


> I liked this, but it is incredibly hard to do! Meds would help enormously here. You need balls of steel for this Shaggy.


You know what, Now I do have balls of steal. I have come to realize that she only has 2 choices. Me or him. I wont tell her that I will think about fixing it, and act like I could care 2 sh#ts, like she has done to me. I have grown stronger through everyone's input on here, and finally believing what people have told me. I was very naive about a lot of things, and I had blinders on about this whole situation, thinking it could get better if I sat around and waited. I waited to damn long and nothing was getting better, only worse for me. I know it aint gonna be easy, but with my support group that I have met on here and my family, I know either way, Im gonna get through this and be a much better person. I cant thank everyone who responded to my thread enough for what they have done for me, and made me realize its time to put me and my kids first.


----------



## the guy

Ok, she is going to see the change and want to know why you are "different".
You have trained her that you are good at getting pushed around by here, so it will be a shock. ( best case is when you 1st find out you get tough) but since you are regrouping you need to be calm and balance out not showing your hand and hitting her with a consequence.

It will take time but you must make a plan and work the plan and know when to hold them and when to fold them. So whats your 1st order of business?


----------



## the guy

I'm new to your thread, but I really don't want to go back and read 8 pages....sorry

So expose or file?????


----------



## cardinals_fan

the guy said:


> Ok, she is going to see the change and want to know why you are "different".
> You have trained her that you are good at getting pushed around by here, so it will be a shock. ( best case is when you 1st find out you get tough) but since you are regrouping you need to be calm and balance out not showing your hand and hitting her with a consequence.
> 
> It will take time but you must make a plan and work the plan and know when to hold them and when to fold them. So whats your 1st order of business?


Im going to a lawyer later in the week to file for divorce. Get her served with the divorce papers


----------



## the guy

You can think about getting her served at work if its a coworking that doing your chick. That hits 2 birds with one stone.


----------



## cardinals_fan

the guy said:


> You can think about getting her served at work if its a coworking that doing your chick. That hits 2 birds with one stone.


she works for his bosses wife. Thats what I thought about to be honest


----------



## the guy

Remember the battle here is inflickting as much grief between OM and your WW.
So what ever will have the most negitive effect..... like having her served when she is with OM is good. She will be hit with the reality of it all as long as you don't warn her....get it hold the filling in let no one know....surprise that will afferct thier relation ship. 

You make think it will strengthen it but the reality of it ....after upteen years of M your chick won't exactly want to be Mrs nice lady.
She may want to drink her sours....even better pissed off drunk chick OM has to deal with.....

Are you feeling me????


----------



## the guy

At work then!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Complexity

Once you do, you can't cave immediately if she offers to drop the other man. She has to go a long, long way to win you back, and I stress this, she has to win *you* back after all she put you through. Initially it is her that has to put 150% into reconciliation and you the 50%. You have to restore your worth both to her and to yourself. There have to be severe consequences for the way she disrespected you and essentially reduced you to a cuckold husband.


----------



## cardinals_fan

the guy said:


> Remember the battle here is inflickting as much grief between OM and your WW.
> So what ever will have the most negitive effect..... like having her served when she is with OM is good. She will be hit with the reality of it all as long as you don't warn her....get it hold the filling in let no one know....surprise that will afferct thier relation ship.
> 
> You make think it will strengthen it but the reality of it ....after upteen years of M your chick won't exactly want to be Mrs nice lady.
> She may want to drink her sours....even better pissed off drunk chick OM has to deal with.....
> 
> Are you feeling me????



100% I have thought of how pissed she is gonna be especially doing it there. But you know what, this whole situation pisses me off so right now, I could give a rats arse!


----------



## cardinals_fan

Complexity said:


> Once you do, you can't cave immediately if she offers to drop the other man. She has to go a long, long way to win you back, and I stress this, she has to win *you* back after all she put you through. You have to restore your worth both to her and to yourself. There have to be severe consequences for the way she disrespected you and essentially reduced you to a cuckold husband.


Same way I am thinking now.


----------



## the guy

Things to talk to lawyer about;
* moral clause that keeps OM from being around your kids until D is final or until age 18

*naming OM in docs

Be a shark...she can always contest.

The tactic here is making it look so damb bad it gets her thinking twice.

After cops serve docs..expose to Om sides, it will be easy and it should be done on the day she is served....so cordinate well with lawyer and server.

Remeber the more fricktion in the A the better. If chicks pissed then OM has to deal with her. If OM is pissed then your chick has to deal with him.

Just becareful, you have to have a plan with balance, you lawyer and us guys at TAM can help.


----------



## cardinals_fan

the guy said:


> Things to talk to lawyer about;
> * moral clause that keeps OM from being around your kids until D is final or until age 18
> 
> *naming OM in docs
> 
> Be a shark...she can always contest.
> 
> The tactic here is making it look so damb bad it gets her thinking twice.
> 
> After cops serve docs..expose to Om sides, it will be easy and it should be done on the day she is served....so cordinate well with lawyer and server.
> 
> Remeber the more fricktion in the A the better. If chicks pissed then OM has to deal with her. If OM is pissed then your chick has to deal with him.
> 
> Just becareful, you have to have a plan with balance, you lawyer and us guys at TAM can help.



Ok, here is my problem. You say making sure his family knows?? How? I mean I really dont understand how to do that. I know his bosses wife employs my wife, so wouldnt that be enough??


----------



## the guy

Hell ask your lawyer if you can have her on court order birth control until D is final. Again another tactic to bring the reality down on her, there by bringing her out of the affair fog. LOL

Tell the lawyer your worried about her getting prego by OM while stil married. You could have some legal obligations to the bastard child.


----------



## Will_Kane

The first thing you have to do is to end the affair.

Expose the affair to the other man's wife/family. Expose the affair to your family. Expose the affair to your wife's family. Tell them your wife is having an affair, who she is having it with, she admits to you she has been having the affair, she refuses to end it, you want to save your marriage, and ask for their support in helping you to save your marriage. Ask the other man's wife and family to help you end the affair. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE you are doing this. Make all your calls brief, line up all the contact info ahead of time, and make all the calls one after another.

She will go nucleare when you do this. She should calm down enough to talk to you after one day. Do not engage her while she is screaming or abusive. Calmly tell her that you will talk to her when she can discuss this in a civilized manner, like two adults.

Next, have a calm discussion with your wife. You stay calm. Tell her that unless she ends the affair and goes "no contact" with the other man, gives you complete access to all devices and accounts, and lets you know her whereabouts 24/7, you will file for divorce. 

She must handwrite a "no contact" letter to the other man, stating how horrible she feels for her behavior and how terrible she feels for having risked her husband, marriage, and family, and that if the other man ever tries to contact her again, she will file harassment charges against him. She gives you the letter for editing and mailing.

Tell her she has a half hour to agree to your conditions or you will file for divorce. If it takes longer than a half hour but she does agree to your conditions, go through with initiating the divorce and tell her you will stop it if you see she really is working on the marriage and maintaining no contact.


----------



## cardinals_fan

the guy said:


> Hell ask your lawyer if you can have her on court order birth control until D is final. Again another tactic to bring the reality down on her, there by bringing her out of the affair fog. LOL
> 
> Tell the lawyer your worried about her getting prego by OM while stil married. You could have some legal obligations to the bastard child.


Funny thing, she is on them. Says to control her monthly friend, even though Im sterile.:scratchhead: I know I know a red flag.


----------



## tacoma

cardinals_fan said:


> Ok, here is my problem. You say making sure his family knows?? How? I mean I really dont understand how to do that. I know his bosses wife employs my wife, so wouldnt that be enough??


If he doesn`t have a wife or girlfriend I wouldn`t bother with exposure as it`ll have no direct impact on the affair really.

Is he married/involved?


----------



## iheartlife

tacoma said:


> If he doesn`t have a wife or girlfriend I wouldn`t bother with exposure as it`ll have no direct impact on the affair really.
> 
> Is he married/involved?


If he's young, you can tell his parents.


----------



## the guy

Step one stay quit and tell no one (go dark)

See lawyer and get options

Have your wife served at work.

Call his boss and apoligize for bring your marriage into the work place but you do not know were OM (his name) and your wife are, except for work. Let bosses know that you are sorry and hope that she can support you in the marriage.

To avoid looking like a vidictive @ss you alway tell poeple why you are calling them and "no matter what they have heard you are still married to (wife) and want ther support in the marriage..


Confusing right????? let wifr believe you are letting her go.....let others know you want to work on the marriage and want there support....get it?


----------



## cardinals_fan

tacoma said:


> If he doesn`t have a wife or girlfriend I wouldn`t bother with exposure as it`ll have no direct impact on the affair really.
> 
> Is he married/involved?


I dont think so. Just a single POS


----------



## Acabado

Hear me, your wife is the most entitled beatch i've ever read about in ages, she will go ballistic on you, be ready for the angriest woman on earth. 
Carry a VAR with you every where!!
Many WW like this will fabricate fake chargues for abuse.

Carry a VAR!!


----------



## cardinals_fan

the guy said:


> Step one stat quit and tell no one (go dark)
> 
> See lawyer and get options
> 
> Have your wife served at work.
> 
> Call his boss and apoligize for bring your marriage into the work place but you do not know were OM (his name) and your wife are, except for work. Let bosses know that you are sorry and hope that she can support you in the marriage.
> 
> To avoid looking like a vidictive @ss you alway tell poeple why you are calling them and "no matter what they have heard you are still married to (wife) and want ther support in the marriage..
> 
> 
> Confusing right????? let wifr believe you are letting her go.....let others know you want to work on the marriage and want there support....get it?


I get that


----------



## jh52

I read this response from you and have a question:

"she works for his bosses wife. Thats what I thought about to be honest"

I am not sure where she works -- but do you think she is into something more than this guy. If she works for his bosses wife -- could they be all hooking up -- boss, his wife, your wife and OM ?


Just me expecting the worst out of people !!


----------



## the guy

As long as she has your last name and are legaly married...in some stated your on the hook ....TALK ABOUT IT w/LAWYER!!!!! 
PLEASE PROTECT YOUR SELF AND YOUR KID/S

Sorry for shouting, but do you see how important the lwayer is.

they can protect you and your kids and your money. Especially since you abandon your family by leaving ...Einstien....


----------



## cardinals_fan

Acabado said:


> Hear me, your wife is the most entitled beatch i've ever read about in ages, she will go ballistic on you, be ready for the angriest woman on earth.
> Carry a VAR with you every where!!
> Many WW like this will fabricate fake chargues for abuse.
> 
> Carry a VAR!!


You are 100% correct. She is going to go through the roof. Its gonna hit the fan and be EXTREMELY messy. But, thats what I want.


----------



## Shaggy

cardinals_fan said:


> Ok, here is my problem. You say making sure his family knows?? How? I mean I really dont understand how to do that. I know his bosses wife employs my wife, so wouldnt that be enough??


Nope.

Here is what you can do. Get yourself a new dummy email account. If the place has a profile, make yourself a woman a few years younger that your wife.

Next sign up for Facebook using this account and the same girls name. Karen and Emily are good , Brit is even better. You want to blend in.If you know OMs home town make her from there, but be vague beyond that.

Next friend some people. Look forthe OM OM Facebook. Do not friend him right away. However look at his friends list and randomly friend his friends. Wait until a couple accept. During this post some posts about going out and having so much fun etc. even like people's stuff. 

You are building cred. Next friend more of his friends, and even friends of his friends.

Your goal here is to eventually become his FB friend, and get the names of his friends,family,patents etc.


After a few days, of friending, idiotic posts and likes, remember to post some links to stupid videos on YouTube etc. maybe something about hot shoes .

Then friend him.
For super bonus points have the fake girl friend you wife too.

Now you are inside and can watch.

Now for real real fun, do it again with a guys account. Don't cross friend the teo accounts however.

Finally when ready, do your exposure to what you have identified as his core friends and family. For fun, block your wife from seeing your post. Use the guy account.

Leave the fake girl account quiet except for continuing the stupid posts.

Sit back and wait. They will block the guy account, thinking its you. But you already have the second fake girl account to watch it all from.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cardinals_fan

jh52 said:


> I read this response from you and have a question:
> 
> "she works for his bosses wife. Thats what I thought about to be honest"
> 
> I am not sure where she works -- but do you think she is into something more than this guy. If she works for his bosses wife -- could they be all hooking up -- boss, his wife, your wife and OM ?
> 
> 
> Just me expecting the worst out of people !!


Thats what I am thinking. I dont know what she has told them, but thats what I was thinking. Maybe they dont know she is married. Maybe she told them that I am the POS. I dont know.


----------



## iheartlife

cardinals_fan said:


> You are 100% correct. She is going to go through the roof. Its gonna hit the fan and be EXTREMELY messy. But, thats what I want.


Just be careful that you are not acting out of vindictiveness. If your goal is to save your marriage, you are not trying to destroy her. You are just trying to destroy the affair. There has to be a marriage for her to return to, if what you want to do is R.


----------



## cardinals_fan

iheartlife said:


> Just be careful that you are not acting out of vindictiveness. If your goal is to save your marriage, you are not trying to destroy her. You are just trying to destroy the affair. There has to be a marriage for her to return to, if what you want to do is R.


that is what I want to try to do, R. But not right away.


----------



## jh52

cardinals_fan said:


> Thats what I am thinking. I dont know what she has told them, but thats what I was thinking. Maybe they dont know she is married. Maybe she told them that I am the POS. I dont know.


When I say "hooking up" I mean she is having sex with her boss, his boss and OM -- I just want to be clear what I meant -- not that they were just enabling her affair.


----------



## the guy

You have no idea who the POS is....just some guy that your chick knows. You moved out and now POS is trying to get "some" and your kids are in the way.....do think this guy would give 2 sh!ts about pushing your kids around or out of the way to get some. Like locking them out so he can have his fun

YOU NEED TO GET BACK HOME BROTHER. again sorry for yelling!


----------



## cardinals_fan

Shaggy said:


> Nope.
> 
> Here is what you can do. Get yourself a new dummy email account. If the place has a profile, make yourself a woman a few years younger that your wife.
> 
> Next sign up for Facebook using this account and the same girls name. Karen and Emily are good , Brit is even better. You want to blend in.If you know OMs home town make her from there, but be vague beyond that.
> 
> Next friend some people. Look forthe OM OM Facebook. Do not friend him right away. However look at his friends list and randomly friend his friends. Wait until a couple accept. During this post some posts about going out and having so much fun etc. even like people's stuff.
> 
> You are building cred. Next friend more of his friends, and even friends of his friends.
> 
> Your goal here is to eventually become his FB friend, and get the names of his friends,family,patents etc.
> 
> 
> After a few days, of friending, idiotic posts and likes, remember to post some links to stupid videos on YouTube etc. maybe something about hot shoes .
> 
> Then friend him.
> For super bonus points have the fake girl friend you wife too.
> 
> Now you are inside and can watch.
> 
> Now for real real fun, do it again with a guys account. Don't cross friend the teo accounts however.
> 
> Finally when ready, do your exposure to what you have identified as his core friends and family. For fun, block your wife from seeing your post. Use the guy account.
> 
> Leave the fake girl account quiet except for continuing the stupid posts.
> 
> Sit back and wait. They will block the guy account, thinking its you. But you already have the second fake girl account to watch it all from.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




I kinda did something like that, but more so spying . they dont post much anymore


----------



## Shaggy

First tonight go back home and sleep in your own bed. If she doesn't like it, well she can have the couch,

Do not let her get you to argue with her. Carry the VAR on you. If she threatens to call the police, calmly offer to dial the number.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

What ever the case is with regard to what she has told others. you expose to set the record straight and inform them there are issues in the marriage but there are kids involved and her adultory is effecting the family. Inform them the OM is effecting the dynamics of the family and you want there support in repairing it.

Thats the thing brother you must sound like you have a sound mind and work you plan.

Emotionaly you need to buckel up your sh!t and work an angel that makes you out to be the good guy, so make a plan.


----------



## cardinals_fan

Shaggy said:


> First tonight go back home and sleep in your own bed. If she doesn't like it, well she can have the couch,
> 
> Do not let her get you to argue with her. Carry the VAR on you. If she threatens to call the police, calmly offer to dial the number.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


thats one thing does now. Anything I say that she dont like, she threatens to call the police. I told her to leave and she said I was threatening her and she said she was going to call them


----------



## jh52

cardinals_fan said:


> thats one thing does now. Anything I say that she dont like, she threatens to call the police. I told her to leave and she said I was threatening her and she said she was going to call them


Don't say anything -- just walk back in. Keep calm and quiet -- with the VAR as proof.


----------



## cardinals_fan

the guy said:


> What ever the case is with regard to what she has told others. you expose to set the record straight and inform them there are issues in the marriage but there are kids involved and her adultory is effecting the family. Inform them the OM is effecting the dynamics of the family and you want there support in repairing it.
> 
> Thats the thing brother you must sound like you have a sound mind and work you plan.
> 
> Emotionaly you need to buckel up your sh!t and work an angel that makes you out to be the good guy, so make a plan.


Ive been thinking long and hard about that. Thats one of the reasons why I plan on surprising her. Like I said earlier , she has said numerous I am nothing but a big [email protected] and cant defend anyone let alone myself.


----------



## the guy

Shaggies got a good... great point, if you have a witness bring them. She will screw you over before she lets you make her affair inconvienent and that uncomfortable. Plus it looks good for her if she gets the cops on her side.
It wouldn't be the 1st time some crazt b!tch slamed her head into the wall and blamed it on her betrayed husband b/c POS is due to come over in an hour......


----------



## cardinals_fan

jh52 said:


> Don't say anything -- just walk back in. Keep calm and quiet -- with the VAR as proof.


That was something I have thought about. VAR as proof. My counselor said today that telling her to leave is no threat. But, Im sure she would fabricate something saying I did. Thats why I know to get VAR. When I talked to the lawyer over the phone today, she asked me if I was still in the house. I told her no, and she asked why not? I told her I couldnt handle the BS that was going on, and she stated to me that was fine for now that I have only been gone a few days. She said when I see her this week, she would give me more insight of how to handle it


----------



## the guy

Hell, call the cop....wait again its late.....Like Iv'e been telling you make a plan. Ask the cops tomorow...call them and tell them. Talk to your lawyer....yesterday.
Make plan get a witness and move back home.

Serious sh!it here brother take the threat serioaus and buy a VAR...you need to cover your ass. This is so dangerous, but the good news is if you make a plan and call the lwayer, the cops, and the wirness, you have becone the slow process of pissing her off.

And when she's pissed off the OM is hearing about it... and at the end of the day Om POS can go find less drame. GEt it????

You have to plan brother each and every step you need....you must make a calculated step that will achieve what you want and in the end...not only win the battle but win the war.

Please plan your startagies and get support from others close to you. 

This will be one of the greatest fights of you life and at the end you may not ven want her back ...but I hope you do....I really hope she gets out of the fog and you balance out with this b*llsh*t called infidelity...


----------



## keko

Since they are very cheap buy multiple VARs. Keep one on yourself, one in her car and one where she takes most of her calls. Whether you choose R or D, knowing her true intention's will help you counter them.


----------



## the guy

I see you talk to a lawyer good...but the var iS good, the witness is better, and warning the cops ahead of time and getting the name of the cop you talked to over the phonE is good.

But remember to not tell your wife your steps, let her call and when the cop shows up you give him them the name of the officeer you talked to earlier and see her jaw drop. 

Remember the thing with your chick, right freaking now is cover your ass. She will... again be so pissed off that you are making her affiar so difficult to continue she will punch her self in the eye before you let her ruin her fantasy.

STAY CALM AND THINK AND WORK A PLAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## cardinals_fan

the guy said:


> Hell, call the cop....wait again its late.....Like Iv'e been telling you make a plan. Ask the cops tomorow...call them and tell them. Talk to your lawyer....yesterday.
> Make plan get a witness and move back home.
> 
> Serious sh!it here brother take the threat serioaus and buy a VAR...you need to cover your ass. This is so dangerous, but the good news is if you make a plan and call the lwayer, the cops, and the wirness, you have becone the slow process of pissing her off.
> 
> And when she's pissed off the OM is hearing about it... and at the end of the day Om POS can go find less drame. GEt it????
> 
> You have to plan brother each and every step you need....you must make a calculated step that will achieve what you want and in the end...not only win the battle but win the war.
> 
> Please plan your startagies and get support from others close to you.
> 
> This will be one of the greatest fights of you life and at the end you may not ven want her back ...but I hope you do....I really hope she gets out of the fog and you balance out with this b*llsh*t called infidelity...


You know, I couldnt have said it better. I know exactly what you mean by being pissed and taking it out on someone else, which she does do. I have been planning this for a while, very calculate and 100% not the way I usually do things. As I am reading "No More Mr Nice Guy" I see alot in myself. I am the one who is always predictable, but not no more. She knew that I would sit back and do everything to try and win her back. Just like a woman posted earlier, and a man, this is unattractive to her. Thats why the 180. Yes it took some time, but its now time to implement it.


----------



## the guy

Make sure you call the cop in the same shift you are going to move back home. It would be great if you could get a witness from her side of the family that support you. Iceing on the cake for you!!!


----------



## the guy

Great book!!!!!


----------



## Complexity

is the house under your name or both?


----------



## Shaggy

Btw, just she cannot order you to leave, neither can you order her to leave.

So forget telling her to go,

One thing you can do once you are back home s not be a baby sitter during her dates. If you can predict when she might want to fog, leave first and don't answer when she asks your where you are going, or when you will be back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cardinals_fan

the guy said:


> Great book!!!!!


yeah, so far. I cant believe how I see myself in the book. To be honest, I know a few of my town cops, sheriffs and troopers in my area. I thought of calling one of them


----------



## cardinals_fan

Complexity said:


> is the house under your name or both?


Mine.


----------



## the guy

Take the time to reread your thread... you are in a different lace now and it will be good to get the reenforcement from some of the earlier replies that focus on the tough love approach.

I ran through it and saw some good folks that have gone through some realy bad things.

Again it all arm chair advise and perspectives, along with experience. you have to make your own plan and work it with ones that are closest to you and your sitch..........


----------



## the guy

DUDE ITS YOUR HOUSE AND ....... sorry shouting again, I understand the cops scare the hell out of me too. But plan for it and use them for your benifit...so make a plan to cover your @ss!!


----------



## Complexity

cardinals_fan said:


> Mine.


Oh dude tell her to kick rocks asap, matter of fact next time she threatens you with the cops BS, kindly remind her who's roof she's under :whip:


----------



## cardinals_fan

Shaggy said:


> Btw, just she cannot order you to leave, neither can you order her to leave.
> 
> So forget telling her to go,
> 
> One thing you can do once you are back home s not be a baby sitter during her dates. If you can predict when she might want to fog, leave first and don't answer when she asks your where you are going, or when you will be back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats what it was when I was there. If I was going out, she would go out the next night. Once I went out 2 nights in a row, and she said that I think I can come and go as I please? I asked her what the hell do you think you are doing? Her responce was that I was making it hard on her cause she needed to "get away" NO [email protected] SHURLOCK!!!!


----------



## tacoma

I wouldn`t make any threats about kicking her out anytime soon.

CF may own it and it may become a point in any divorce that may come but at the moment, while married the house is a marital asset and is regarded as both of theirs.

She has as much right to it at this point as he does in the eyes of the law.

If she goes off about giving her space when you move back in kindly invite her to leave since she`s the one who "needs space" but do not attempt to evict her.


----------



## Shaggy

cardinals_fan said:


> Thats what it was when I was there. If I was going out, she would go out the next night. Once I went out 2 nights in a row, and she said that I think I can come and go as I please? I asked her what the hell do you think you are doing? Her responce was that I was making it hard on her cause she needed to "get away" NO [email protected] SHURLOCK!!!!


Your new response will be " I'm doing what ever I like since I current do not have a partner that is Ina relationship with me. So yes, I do come and go asi please. Mayfair being hard on her, too bad."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Fvstringpicker

I'll tell you what CF, you don't need to "man up". You need to "man out". R my azz. You need to replace this broad.


----------



## the guy

I suggest you show up after work when she is tired, call the cops as soon as you meet up with your witness, test the VAR and head over. 
with your witness confront your wife an inform her you are back and will be taking the master bed room. depending on her response let her make the move. 

what ever move she makes you should be covered.
If you get hit then have witness call the cops
If she calls the cops let her and then have witness call also.
when the cops show then inform them that she has made threats and inform them who the withness is and were the VAR is.
The cops will want to comprimise and you may end up on the couch, but again it is your house and tell the cops that your wife is not on the lease/ mortgage, and that this is your "propery" and she is welcome to stay on the couch.

Your wife will accuse you of running of and then you can explain to the cop that you need to cool off and get a "lawyer" and you were advised to move back home

Key words+ your property and lawyer.....


----------



## cardinals_fan

Fvstringpicker said:


> I'll tell you what CF, you don't need to "man up". You need to "man out". R my azz. You need to replace this broad.


Maybe your right. That has crossed my mind, but I do believe she wont pick me anyways, which I am fine with. Like I cant say enough, Im hoping for the best, but planning for the worst. I do think this will put her over the edge, which is fine with me. Really it is. I've been through soo much this last year, the gut feelings and the realization of what is going on, I just dont care what way it turns out, I just want it to be over and done with. Im sick of feeling this pain I want to get on with my life with or with out her. I know this will make me a much stronger person and a much better father. I say a much better father cause I am showing my kids that you should never be walked over.


----------



## keko

You will not be able to kick her out legally right away but try to use the "shock" of getting served with divorce papers to your advantage. Know the day/time she'll be served and before that put most of her clothes into plastic bags on the front lawn. Also change the locks. When she comes don't let her in, tell that she chose this path and now she must face the consequences. Stay firm and dont give in too easily.


----------



## the guy

Alright folks lets get him back home without getting arrested.
When you do get back in you have a few days of wishing you hadn't. But trust me....This is a very heavy move and she will mind f*ck you till no end. That is why after this step you disengage, go dark, you come and go and when confronted you tell her these words and these words only " Until OM is out of the picture I have nothing to say to you" ....You must stick to this, her tactic will be to push your bottons and get the cops on you ....so its so important #1) keep VAR on you and #2) do not engage her but only respond with "until OM is out of the picture, I have nothing to say to you".

See brother ther is a script to all this crap and you are not he 1st guy this happened to.


----------



## cardinals_fan

keko said:


> You will not be able to kick her out legally right away but try to use the "shock" of getting served with divorce papers to your advantage. Know the day/time she'll be served and before that put most of her clothes into plastic bags on the front lawn. Also change the locks. When she comes don't let her in, tell that she chose this path and now she must face the consequences. Stay firm and dont give in too easily.


Can I legally do that??? change the locks?


----------



## Complexity

I think you should discuss this with your attorney so you'd be clean legally.


----------



## cardinals_fan

Complexity said:


> I think you discuss this with your attorney so you'd be clean legally.


ok.


----------



## keko

cardinals_fan said:


> Can I legally do that??? change the locks?


Yes, the old one's were broken and you had to replace them. You're wife was at work so you couldn't give her the new keys.


----------



## cardinals_fan

keko said:


> Yes, the old one's were broken and you had to replace them. You're wife was at work so you couldn't give her the new keys.


:lol: I like that one, A LOT


----------



## the guy

Just make sure you check your self brother...I have a feeling your buttons can be easly pushed and your chick is going after you after this play.
I have no doubt about it after what she already told you.

I bet her first move is 911

Your witness should be ready to do the same, make sure he/she has the shift duty officers name so it can be given to dispatch.


----------



## the guy

Also be prepared to get called names for having a witness. She will call you a p*ssy b/c now she can't get to you.
She will call you a wimp, but remember " until OM is out of the picture I have nothing to say to you".

Just prepare your self ...this is an emotional battle, what comes next will be minor,b/c you would have already been challenged and you will figure out how to fight off her disrespect and " button pushing" b*llsh*t...

Stay focus and calm, and do not allow your self to get arrested no matter what. The thing about cops is " you go along to get along".


----------



## cardinals_fan

the guy said:


> Just make sure you check your self brother...I have a feeling your buttons can be easly pushed and your chick is going after you you after this play.


you know whats funny??? When she told me about the affair, I thought for sure I would loose it. But I didnt. I was VERY calm, which surprised even myself. Maybe I was at piece knowing now that it was true. Through out this whole thing I have been extremely calm, cool and collective. She pushed those buttons once to many times. Everything that she has done to me, said to me is now coming to the surface. I realize she dont deserve a man like me. Thats one thing that people close to me have said to me about this, and I am really starting to believe it


----------



## keko

Also after her getting served do not answer her calls, let it go to voicemail or texts. These will most likely be threating in its nature and if you take the path of D, these will help you in getting her off your back for a while.


----------



## the guy

So was I. But I planned it.
The calmness scared the sh!t out my fWW more then going bulistic. I did some time in anger management. 

Weird, but I did have an effective confrontation.



You have to believe it, waywards are like animals they can sense our weakness. That was my whole point earlier.

You see that now, lets try to keep you out of freakking jail.


----------



## cardinals_fan

keko said:


> Also after her getting served do not answer her calls, let it go to voicemail or texts. These will most likely be threating in its nature and if you take the path of D, these will help you in getting her off your back for a while.


exactly. Thats what I was thinking. She has a quick temper, and I know she say something irrational and threatening.


----------



## the guy

Keko thats how I think its done.
*move in go dark and distance

*next serve papers and go dark.

A tactic to piss her off and then stay away long enough for her to cool down and let the consequence sink in then wait for them to miss us.


----------



## the guy

Have you thought far enough ahead to were you or her are going to sleep when you get home... spare room, basement, garage, couch????


----------



## the guy

Whos' your backup/witness?


----------



## cardinals_fan

the guy said:


> So was I. But I planned it.
> The calmness scared the sh!t out my fWW more then going bulistic. I did some time in anger management.
> 
> Weird, but I did have an effective confrontation.
> 
> 
> 
> You have to believe it, waywards are like animals they can sense our weakness. That was my whole point earlier.
> 
> You see that now, lets try to keep you out of freakking jail.


Yep. Jail would not be good. My confrontation didnt go the way I thought it would, but he did say something that almost made me do something VERY stupid, but I didnt. I remember when he said it, I blinked and saw my kids with arms wide open saying "We love you daddy". That is the reason Im not in jail as we speak.


----------



## keko

Until you get the divorce started, will she meet the OM?


----------



## cardinals_fan

the guy said:


> Have you thought far enough ahead to were you or her are going to sleep when you get home... spare room, basement, garage, couch????


Oh, I get the master bedroom. She is in the spare, even as we speak. I took the sheets off when I left, and I was there today to get my kids on the bus, and went into my room, and the bed is not made up


----------



## cardinals_fan

the guy said:


> Whos' your backup/witness?


Im thinking her brother


----------



## Jibril

cardinals_fan said:


> Im thinking her brother


Assuming he is on your side, this makes the most sense. Definitely go with him if this is the case.


----------



## cardinals_fan

keko said:


> Until you get the divorce started, will she meet the OM?


Well she is still texting and calling him, so I would have to guess, yes she will.


----------



## cardinals_fan

Jibril said:


> Assuming he is on your side, this makes the most sense. Definitely go with him if this is the case.


He did the same thing as she is. I have talked to him and his wife about it. They have helped me get to where I am now.


----------



## the guy

My wife saw the new me....a calm solber man, no loger drunk or in rage. She couldn't unlock the gun case but took some ammo I had out....stil cant find that small box of ammo and its been two yrs since I found out.
For me it was approach that i was confident in not letting her crap define who I wanted to be...it had been 20 yrs and I was tired of it.


----------



## keko

cardinals_fan said:


> Well she is still texting and calling him, so I would have to guess, yes she will.


If you can guess a location/time you could follow her and take pictures of them together. This will x3452985424 the effect of exposure in ending the affair.


----------



## cardinals_fan

the guy said:


> My wife saw the new me....a calm solber man, no loger drunk or in rage. She couldn't unlock the gun case but took some ammo I had out....stil cant find that small box of ammo and its been two yrs since I found out.
> For me it was approach that i was confident in not letting her crap define who I wanted to be...it had been 20 yrs and I was tired of it.


Im sorry to hear that Thats how how I feel now, tired of it.


----------



## cardinals_fan

keko said:


> If you can guess a location/time you could follow her and take pictures of them together. This will x3452985424 the effect of exposure in ending the affair.


I really dont think it will. When I confronted her, she act as if she didnt care. They both were at her friends house. She acted like she didnt care about me or the kids. I could careless if she didnt care about me, but the kids?? Thats what hurt the most


----------



## the guy

She is going to be see the OM until she sees throgh the fog and realizes what she is about to lose her family. 

This **** is an addiction, it will take an intervetion and that may not ven work. But facing the fact that you will no longer tolorate sharing your wife is a start. it will be up to her to find it or not.

The good thing is you will be abl eto gage her when you are now in the house. 
Remember when she is happy then the affair is happy. when she is mad then the affair is bad. so for the next few day mad is good....

It may take a month for the affair to runs its course, but at least you will be around to know if you need another frontal assualt or flank the affair with more exposure.

Whats up with money? have you cut her off yet?


----------



## the guy

@ keko, I thought she already admited, isn't investigation done? 
I though we were moving on to consequences for continueing the affair?


----------



## cardinals_fan

the guy said:


> She is going to be see the OM until she sees throgh the fog and realizes what she is about to lose her family.
> 
> This **** is an addiction, it will take an intervetion and that may not ven work. But facing the fact that you will no longer tolorate sharing your wife is a start. it will be up to her to find it or not.
> 
> The good thing is you will be abl eto gage her when you are now in the house.
> Remember when she is happy then the affair is happy. when she is mad then the affair is bad. so for the next few day mad is good....
> 
> It may take a month for the affair to runs its course, but at least you will be around to know if you need another frontal assualt or flank the affair with more exposure.
> 
> Whats up with money? have you cut her off yet?



Going to the bank tomorrow. Closing the joint accounts and opening my own.


----------



## keko

the guy said:


> @ keko, I thought she already admited, isn't investigation done?
> I though we were moving on to consequences for continueing the affair?


In terms of sending the pics to her family, friends and coworkers. She needs to get it from all sides at once to either stop the affair or at least face some consequences to go out of the fog. Ignoring the kids = very bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cardinals_fan

keko said:


> In terms of sending the pics to her family, friends and coworkers. She needs to get it from all sides at once to either stop the affair or at least face some consequences to go out of the fog. Ignoring the kids = very bad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are 100% right. The kids have NOTHING to do with this.


----------



## the guy

Its all good I'm lving a good life and I'm letting her come along as long as she continue to confirm her loyality. I guess we're both working on it. I no longer slap her around and and she no loger screws around.
Its tough...divorce is a b*thch...but R is no walk in the park.

Lets get you back home and see were this goes. My story is hopeful but not typical....


----------



## cardinals_fan

the guy said:


> Its all good I'm lving a good life and I'm letting her come along as long as she continue to confirm her loyality. I guess we're both working on it. I no longer slap her around and and she no loger screws around.
> Its tough...divorce is a b*thch...but R is no walk in the park.
> 
> Lets get you back home and see were this goes. My story is hopeful but not typical....


Point taken. I know if there is a R, it is 100000000000% MY rules now!!!!! I can change them when and how I want!!!!! If she dont like it, there is the door. I know it wont be easy, but its my way ONLY!!! I know you can start and stop the divorce proceedings. Thats what my cousin did.


----------



## the guy

Take half and keep records, the lawyer will tell you to leave it all in but at least take half.
Close her cell phone and creditcards, but as far as money in checking you are threading on thin ice....... just a warning. but the lawyer can give you the best advice in your state.

If it was me I would take half, once she sees you getting tough she'll run to the back.

If your going nukular on her best take the tim eto cover your butt. you could be giving it all back. IDK.


----------



## cardinals_fan

the guy said:


> Take half and keep records, the lawyer will tell you to leave it all in but at least take half.
> Close her cell phone and creditcards, but as far as money in checking you are threading on thin ice....... just a warning. but the lawyer can give you the best advice in your state.
> 
> If it was me I would take half, once she sees you getting tough she'll run to the back.
> 
> If your going nukular on her best take the tim eto cover your butt. you could be giving it all back. IDK.


ok, maybe I'll wait to talk to the lawyer then


----------



## keko

Cf, it's easier to talk hard over the net but you have to put these tough words into reality. Start practicing your words, sentences and facial expressions. Keep your cool and stay calm. Let her get wild and if gets aggressive and hits you, call the cops right away and press charges.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cardinals_fan

keko said:


> Cf, it's easier to talk hard over the net but you have to put these tough words into reality. Start practicing your words, sentences and facial expressions. Keep your cool and stay calm. Let her get wild and if gets aggressive and hits you, call the cops right away and press charges.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know, I get that. I have all this anger about this whole thing. The way she treated me and the kids, things she said to me about me and the kids, the lies she told me, how she told me she dont want to stop seeing him, the way she acted when I left, the way she acted when I did confront her. These are the things right now that are imbedded so deeply, thats what keeps me in this mind set.


----------



## OldWolf57

CardFan, go home, start D, let it go thru. No one commented, but I saw where you said he said something stupid. So her and him was at the friend, you went and friend saw and heard all. See where I'm going. Too much contempt all around maybe for you to EVER forgive her. Will she drop this friend for true R ? How much selfrespect will you lose knowing how she and him did you in front of witnesses. It takes a LOT of real work to R, and I just don't see her being able to. SHOCK and AWE her ass out of your life. If it was me, the day she is served, I would take her sh*t to that friends house and leave it on the steps. What can the cops do ?? Bring it back home for her ? If she come back with the cops, tell them exactly what is happening. They cannot stop you from changing your damn locks. They will tell her this is a civil matter, and as long as no crime is being commited there is nothing they can do. So contact the ones you know local and county, giving them a heads up. And magic words " your LAWYER, your House. Too many are afraid to make a stand when talk of cops come up, I understand, but law inforcement has the highest ## of D's. No, I don't want you to get into trouble, but you need to see what it will take to get her out of your house. Man I could not even entertain throughts of Ring with this woman.


----------



## the guy

Alright guys, just saw some newbie, I better head over before he start to apoligize to his wife for *her* sleeping with another man, and starts begging for his marriage.

Good night


----------



## keko

cardinals_fan said:


> You know, I get that. I have all this anger about this whole thing. The way she treated me and the kids, things she said to me about me and the kids, the lies she told me, how she told me she dont want to stop seeing him, the way she acted when I left, the way she acted when I did confront her. These are the things right now that are imbedded so deeply, thats what keeps me in this mind set.


Whenever you feel you're losing you're ground or feeling sorry for her remind yourself of these. Always keep this attitude, whether R or D.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cardinals_fan

keko said:


> Whenever you feel you're losing you're ground or feeling sorry for her remind yourself of these. Always keep this attitude, whether R or D.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats exactly what I plan on doing. Anytime I start to feel sorry for, thats what I am going to think about.


----------



## lordmayhem

*How to handle the cops if she calls them.*

As many others have said, and you said yourself that she threatens to call the cops, this is what you need to do to protect yourself and dealing with them.


Have a VAR on you at all times, if you can, at least have a witness with you when you go home. Even better would be to have a VAR on you and have a witness.
If she threatens you that she will call the cops on you, tell her calmly that you will have her charged with false reporting if she tries to lie to them about threatening her or hitting her.
If she still ends up calling the cops....keep your cool! Do not raise your voice. Do not throw things around or mess up the house. You won't see them drive up because they will park the cruiser a couple of houses down the street. They WILL listen first before knocking. This is standard procedure. So it would NOT be a good idea to be yelling before they knock on the door.
When they knock on the door or ring the doorbell, YOU be the one to answer the door. In a calm voice greet the officer and ask what the problem is. I guarantee you that the cops are on alert and will be looking for a possible fight from you because domestic violence calls are one of the most dangerous calls, and many cops have been killed going into these situations. With you answering the door with a smile and a calm voice WILL immediately lower the tension and they will be more likely to listen to you. This is usually a 2 officer call, and one of them will be interviewing you and the other will be interviewing your wife, but you will be in the same room so they can watch each others backs. When you answer the door, DO NOT have anything in your hands, even the VAR. They will be watching your hands. Keep them in the open where they can see them. Do not put your hands in your pocket.
She will lie to the other officer and will attempt to provoke you in front of them. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT respond. Tell the officer calmly that you have a VAR and you can play it for him and ask him/her if you can get it out of your pocket or where ever you have it. Then play it to them to expose her lies.


----------



## MattMatt

OldWolf57 said:


> If anyone tell you not to expose on this site, check to see how long they have been here. It seems as if we are getting trojens from the cheaters site here. And don't laugh, there are links on some threads, and if you go there, you will see how much they advise, laugh and support each other. There are PLENTY of threads here where wife left when exposed, but came to their senses. So listen to the VETS and not the newbies touchie feelers who may be trojans trying to limit the damage to the WS.


Some might come here for affirmation that their kindly, loving spouse is not the love rat that the evidence tells them they are.

They are in denial. When they see what they believe is harsh advice to someone, they can't believe it is right. Because they are in a fog themselves. A fog of misplaced trust, created by trust in a person who, to be frank, doesn't really deserve it.


----------



## MattMatt

By the way, why on EARTH would you change your locks? THIS is why.

"It's like this. My wife is having an affair with some man she picked up, somewhere. Now, I have seen stuff in the papers and on the TV about perverts who work their way into a woman's head, so they can have access to their children. 

"Now, I am not saying this is the case here, it may just be that he is only guilty of adultery and that he is not a paedophile, but without access to court and police records, I can't be 100 percent sure of that, can I? So I'm sure certain you'll understand why I am uncomfortable with this man having access to the keys to my house and so having potential access to my children, so I have decided to change the locks, in order to protect my children."


----------



## iheartlife

I was trying to figure out how well you know the OM. Another thing you can do is run a background check on him, including a criminal report. I especially recommend this because you have kids. Chances are he is clean, but you never know.


----------



## cardinals_fan

iheartlife said:


> I was trying to figure out how well you know the OM. Another thing you can do is run a background check on him, including a criminal report. I especially recommend this because you have kids. Chances are he is clean, but you never know.



I know a lot about him. A LOT.


----------



## Hicks

IF you go straight to divorce without a strategic plan, the wife will certainly do better on custody even if she is a cheater.. For a man to get custody, he has to be very strategic.
Go look at Dadsdivorce.com


----------



## tacoma

cardinals_fan said:


> Can I legally do that??? change the locks?


No, you cannot.

Your marital home belongs to both of you in the eyes of the law.
Doesn`t matter who holds the mortgage/deed.

After divorce this will most likely change but only according to court order or mediated compromise.


----------



## morituri

Hicks said:


> IF you go straight to divorce without a strategic plan, the wife will certainly do better on custody even if she is a cheater.. For a man to get custody, he has to be very strategic.
> Go look at Dadsdivorce.com


Here is the link to *Dads divorce*. Go to their forum and read the *Lessons Learned - Before and During* (the first post has other links that are of extreme value for any dad).


----------



## cardinals_fan

morituri said:


> Here is the link to *Dads divorce*. Go to their forum and read the *Lessons Learned - Before and During* (the first post has other links that are of extreme value for any dad).


Ok, gonna check it out


----------



## survivorwife

tacoma said:


> No, you cannot.
> 
> Your marital home belongs to both of you in the eyes of the law.
> Doesn`t matter who holds the mortgage/deed.
> 
> After divorce this will most likely change but only according to court order or mediated compromise.


True. My WS changed the locks on our marital home after I left, and I will find out tomorrow when I meet with my lawyer what I can do about it. I believe that so long as I am on the paperwork I cannot be denied access.


----------



## cardinals_fan

survivorwife said:


> True. My WS changed the locks on our marital home after I left, and I will find out tomorrow when I meet with my lawyer what I can do about it. I believe that so long as I am on the paperwork I cannot be denied access.


Thats one thing I am gonna look in to when I talk to my lawyer


----------



## survivorwife

cardinals_fan said:


> Thats one thing I am gonna look in to when I talk to my lawyer


It's my understanding that the only way you can deny your spouse access would be through a restraining order. That is if she destroys the property, hurts you or the children, or in any way disrupts your peaceful home. In my case, I have done nothing at all to warrant being locked out of the marital home. I pose no threat, and I believe that he changed the locks to be spiteful and controlling. He says that I can visit if I arrange it with him first so that he can be there (controlling). I also think that one of his OW have advised him to do so. Certainly no attorney would suggest such a thing.

Once the court decides that you and the children are to reside in the marital home, then she (assuming the house is joint property) has the rights of a landlord. She would hold a key and be "second" in making decisions in regards to the home, but would need to respect your privacy.


----------



## sunshinetoday

Shaggy said:


> Nope.
> 
> Here is what you can do. Get yourself a new dummy email account. If the place has a profile, make yourself a woman a few years younger that your wife.
> 
> Next sign up for Facebook using this account and the same girls name. Karen and Emily are good , Brit is even better. You want to blend in.If you know OMs home town make her from there, but be vague beyond that.
> 
> Next friend some people. Look forthe OM OM Facebook. Do not friend him right away. However look at his friends list and randomly friend his friends. Wait until a couple accept. During this post some posts about going out and having so much fun etc. even like people's stuff.
> 
> You are building cred. Next friend more of his friends, and even friends of his friends.
> 
> Your goal here is to eventually become his FB friend, and get the names of his friends,family,patents etc.
> 
> 
> After a few days, of friending, idiotic posts and likes, remember to post some links to stupid videos on YouTube etc. maybe something about hot shoes .
> 
> Then friend him.
> For super bonus points have the fake girl friend you wife too.
> 
> Now you are inside and can watch.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ha ha Shaggy! Great minds think alike. I did the same thing (and my alter ego is STILL fb friends w.the OW...I found out so so soooooooo much about her and her skank life!) But the most important thing I found out is the A was truly over and she repeated her cheating pattern with 2 other guys since my H. I feel nothing but pity for her H.


----------



## Thorburn

CF - you have come a long way since the beginning. Better then I did at first. bro hugs to ya.

If you can print out these pages and go through the advice you have been given. There is a lot here and it does get muddled. Highlight points, e.g. changing the locks, taking half the money etc, etc.

You will then have a list of things to work through. Prioritize them. Those that can wait for the attorney write those down and present those issue to her at that time. I would suggest you hold off on changing the locks, and taking money out until you speak to an attorney.

1. Carry the VAR at all times with you. 
2. Do not respond to phone calls from her. Stop talking to her on the phone.
3. Do not respond to text messages from her.
4. Bring people over in the evening if you can. Maybe involve the kids friends. It will burn up time and maybe take your mind off this for a while. 
5. Expose it to his family. Find out what you can about this guy. Find out if he attends a chruch (if he does call the pastor and tell him/her) Call his parents. If you do not know how get someone to help you track down as much info on the OM as you can. Online is cheap and I got all I needed for less then $3.00. I would have spent a hel* of a lot more but did not need to do that. 
6. List all the things your wife has said about you. When you said that she calls you a "Puss*" that said it all for me. She has no respect for you.
7. Get a nice tee shirt with a huge lion on it. It is your new symbol. Keep it between you and us. Yea you are a puss*, like a lion.
8. Keep your conversations polite and short with your wife.
9. Watch your anger. Don't become like I did. 
10. Don't play out your hand. Don't answer questions without thinking them through. If you are not sure how she will interpret it, then don't answer. 
11. As you expose don't respond to your wife as she finds out. If she questions you about whether it was you who did this.
12. Keep your focus on you and the kids. To hel* with her.


----------



## donders

cardinals_fan said:


> You know what, Now I do have balls of steal. I have come to realize that she only has 2 choices. Me or him.


If you have balls of steel then kick her to the curb and don't settle for anything less than a woman who gives you 100%.



iheartlife said:


> If he's young, you can tell his parents.


Yeah maybe if he's 12.



cardinals_fan said:


> You are 100% correct. She is going to go through the roof. Its gonna hit the fan and be EXTREMELY messy. But, thats what I want.


So do the greedy litigation prone divorce attorneys. They'll throw you both in the ring and deplete you of your assets because you'll be acting on emotion and not common sense. 

You'll feel victorous and yet you'll be broke. All because you didn't keep a clear head and escalated the conflict by exposing her for no good reason.

Wait, I just came across this post of yours below:



cardinals_fan said:


> that is what I want to try to do, R. But not right away.


You want to reconcile with a woman who told you she prefers to have sex with another guy rather than you?

So you're filing for divorce as some sort of manipulative move to scare her into coming home? 

Why? :scratchhead:



the guy said:


> you expose to set the record straight and inform them there are issues in the marriage


It's nobody's business but your own.

If someone asks you, say "We are divorcing because she cheated on me with another guy". You don't need to prove anything to anyone.



cardinals_fan said:


> thats one thing does now. Anything I say that she dont like, she threatens to call the police. I told her to leave and she said I was threatening her and she said she was going to call them


She's been talking to people. Probably an attorney. I can almost see the Order of Protection being typed up.

Carry that recorder everywhere. 

You'll need it once she kicks you out of the house to prove it's all bogus.


----------



## donders

cardinals_fan said:


> Maybe your right. That has crossed my mind, but I do believe she wont pick me anyways


The problem here is that you're leaving your entire future up to the whims of your deceptive cheating wife.



cardinals_fan said:


> I say a much better father cause I am showing my kids that you should never be walked over.


You want to show your kids how to man up, then don't leave the choice up to her. ESPECIALLY since you doubt she's going to pick you over the OM.



keko said:


> Know the day/time she'll be served and before that put most of her clothes into plastic bags on the front lawn. Also change the locks. When she comes don't let her in, tell that she chose this path and now she must face the consequences. Stay firm and dont give in too easily.


This advice is probably illegal and will make you look very bad in the eyes of the court no matter what creative reasons you come up with for doing it. 



cardinals_fan said:


> Can I legally do that??? change the locks?


NO!



the guy said:


> It may take a month for the affair to runs its course


Where do you get this stuff from?

It could take a month, 6 months, a year.. they could be together forever, you have no idea.



cardinals_fan said:


> Point taken. I know if there is a R, it is 100000000000% MY rules now!!!!!


Yes, assuming she picks you over the other man and subsequently agrees to follow all your new rules and you are ready, willing and able to file for divorce without looking back the second she fails to follow one of your new rules.


----------



## OldWolf57

Let the judge tell you to give her a key. They don't arrest you for changing your own DAMN locks. I believe LordMayhem may know more, but Iv'e never seen it done here.


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## donders

OldWolf57 said:


> Let the judge tell you to give her a key. They don't arrest you for changing your own DAMN locks. I believe LordMayhem may know more, but Iv'e never seen it done here.


He moved out volunarily. He then decided to move home and lock her out of her own house. Along with the kids? She's probably the primary caregiver.

the courts will see this as reckless and irresponsible. It will put him in a VERY bad light. Remember, the courts don't care much if at all about infidelity, they see it ALL the time. They care mostly about the wellbeing of the kids and they don't like it when people take the law into their own hands and changing the locks definitely qualifies, you have NO LEGAL RIGHT to do this!

She and her attorneys will paint a picture of a hot headed soon to be exhusband who voluntarily establishes his own residence, then arbitrarily moves back home and kicks her out without regard for the needs of the kids and changes the locks which he has no legal right to do.

I wouldn't be suprised if the judge orders him off the property for the duration of the divorce, maybe even until the kids are past the age of minority.

cardinals_fan, I know you're confused and scared and getting a lot of conflicting advice, my suggestion is see an attorney and get qualified competent legal advice before you do anything that could come back to bite you. This includes 1) changing the locks and 2) exposing the affair.

I do lean towards getting your a$$ back in that house and covering it with a VAR because she's just looking for an opportunity to slap you with a restraining order.


----------



## the guy

Exposure is a tactic to make the affair uncomfortable and inconvienent. Once the adultory is out in the light of day, the shame will be cast on the both your WW and OM.
Sure they can both do there best to rewrite the history of the marriage, but exposure is a useful tactic that works if done in small steps.
Yes this is your business and keeping it private only alows the affait to get stronger. Remember getting the Om out of the picture is the #1 rule. Any striff you can cause to stop the OM from effecting the dynamics of a already fragile marrige should be used.


----------



## the guy

@ donders, I got this from my personel experience...in fact all of my perspectives come from the crap I went through and the almost two years of reading and learning what folks have gone through.

This sh!ts all has a script and my perspective is just that a perspective be it wrong or right I do believe its worth sharing and the OP can make up his own plan.

Again I'm just the guy with the cheating wife.....well former cheating wife......


----------



## survivorwife

OldWolf57 said:


> Let the judge tell you to give her a key. They don't arrest you for changing your own DAMN locks. I believe LordMayhem may know more, but Iv'e never seen it done here.


That's true. They don't arrest you for changing the locks. They also don't arrest you if you break a window to gain access to your own home either. So you see, so long as the property is owned jointly, certain accommodations needs to be agreed upon.


----------



## the guy

At the end of the day what ever you can do ...change locks, light on fire a bag of dog boo or what ever tho make a striff in the affair.

Befor the confrontation and even before d-day. your WW and OM had a exciting and taboo affair no one knew about. So it was all roses.

Now reality is knocking and often the drama is not worth the prize. See before they had this secret fantasy....now they are in a sh!t storm and when it gets tough lets see how the affair goes.

My thinking before the WW was all happy and the Om was glad to see her, now you got her pissed so now OM has to deal with the other side of WW...the negitive side....b*tch and complaining about the crap in her life. My thinking is OM my not be so happy to get "some" when the price has gone up. If your reading my mail?


----------



## iheartlife

donders said:


> Yeah maybe if he's 12.


Donders, you clearly have zero experience with exposure. You should have seen my husband sh*t his pants over telling his parents and his sister and his grandma. They mean the world to him. I'm pretty sure he'd prefer bamboo under his fingernails. He's 42 by the way--he just has a great amount of respect for his parents, as I do as well (and I'm 45).

You are entitled to your opinion, but that is all it is. It's clear that you have experience with divorce, but affair busting is something quite different.

It's useful to have varying opinions because you are right about one thing: if you know for certain you want to D, you do things differently than if you want to R. You've clearly been through a tough divorce, and there's room for that perspective.

The OP wants to R. And he's entitled to try for it whether the rest of us think it's crazy, or not. Exposure is an important card to play to R. Get over it, already, unless you have some actual life experience with exposure other than your opinion.


----------



## OldWolf57

he wants to R but I can't see why. this person has no respect for, and hold him in complete contempt. there is no way I could look this person in the eye for the rest of my life, and not see the total disregard she gave me, after all we had been through. the humilitiation not only in front of TPOSOM, but her friends and our family too. there is nothing in my book that show being a man means losing your very self. Some can, but I rather go feeding. Oops, meant fishing. We all see donder has no experience here, being new, but maybe he/she should read some post here before posting advise. We have posts fo wives leaving to live with POS, and coming home once xposed. this has always been 1 of the most effective tools. In fact she tried to head him off, saying he always poo pooed to other people. Showing she wanted it to remain closed far an wide.


----------



## iheartlife

Well, as long as we're giving opinions, I'm with keko (and no offense keko, but you're as hard core D as they come, so not sure I line up with you on that very often!). My concern is, the OP probably needs to get back in the house for legal purposes (as his attorney has already advised him). But as soon as he steps foot in there, I'm concerned that the brainwashing is going to commence again.


----------



## keko

iheartlife said:


> Well, as long as we're giving opinions, I'm with keko (and no offense keko, but you're as hard core D as they come, so not sure I line up with you on that very often!). My concern is, the OP probably needs to get back in the house for legal purposes (as his attorney has already advised him). But as soon as he steps foot in there, I'm concerned that the brainwashing is going to commence again.


None taken but I don't feel bad in the slightest for the people that R and go through triggers/mind movies. Well, just as they chose to cheat you chose to stay and suffer the emotional mess, good luck with that.

edit: you/they are generalized terms, not one specific couple.


----------



## the guy

I'm thinking divorce can be equaly as hard and as painful as R. If OP's chick does the heavy lifting and want *her* her marriage back and wants a healthier life for it then all the better.
From my take it seems he has one chance at it, but at the end of the day it is up to WW to make her marriage work.
OP can let her go ... and he should, but if the door is open to have a healthy marriage with new behaviors and a new marriage with the same person then go for it.


----------



## cardinals_fan

Ok, I have not been on here to really think about whats going to happen, to put in my own perspective. Yes I am going to see a lawyer tomorrow and ask about the moving in thing. Do I want to move back in, yes, but I also do not want to have conflict with me there. What I mean about that is more or less I dont want to end up in jail because of something I did. People on here say they have no idea why I would want to R, well, I will tell everyone why. I've been with the same woman for 20 years, and I am only 40. Thats half my life. I still do feel love for her. I know this may sound stupid to some of you and Im sure some of you are fuming right now for what I said, but I cant change that fact that I do love her. Am I a [email protected] in someones eyes??? Im sure I am. Dont get me wrong, I'm still going through with starting the process. Someone also posted wondering if I am scaring her back. NO I AM NOT!! To be honest, that thought never even came to mind. What I do want to do is stand up for myself, which I believe I stated before, because I want my kids to understand that NO ONE CAN walk all over them or me. I have to set an example for them. Am I being wishy washy?? I know that I am not. I do have a plan. I do intent to follow through with it. My plan is not to win her over, my plan is to "MAN UP" and show the whole world that at any cost I will fight my way out of a corner with my back against the wall. I dont like being called a [email protected] or someone that does not stand up for there family. And thats my plan. I know I will have good days and bad days through all of this. Im sure I will have days that I even regret doing this, I know that I am standing up for myself, and that is what will keep me going. When I was looking at pictures of my kids today, I started to cry. I was cring because I didnt man up sooner. I showed them that for a while, it was ok that daddy got pushed around and stepped on. Thats when I hit me. I HAVE TO DO THIS!!!


----------



## cardinals_fan

the guy said:


> I'm thinking divorce can be equaly as hard and as painful as R. If OP's chick does the heavy lifting and want *her* her marriage back and wants a healthier life for it then all the better.
> From my take it seems he has one chance at it, but at the end of the day it is up to WW to make her marriage work.
> OP can let her go ... and he should, but if the door is open to have a healthy marriage with new behaviors and a new marriage with the same person then go for it.


That is something that I thought about today. I have 1 chance and 1 only. If it works, great. If not great. I know either way that I will be a much stronger and better person.


----------



## lenzi

the guy said:


> I'm thinking divorce can be equaly as hard and as painful as R.


Divorce can be more painful than attempted reconciliation but at least it doesn't go on forever.

Since he obviously wants to reconcile then he should do the whole exposure thing but why file for divorce if you want to try to fix it?


----------



## survivorwife

lenzi said:


> Divorce can be more painful than attempted reconciliation but at least it doesn't go on forever.
> 
> Since he obviously wants to reconcile then he should do the whole exposure thing but why file for divorce if you want to try to fix it?


To show the WS that these are the consequences of having an A and that the BS "is not playing" around with the seriousness of it all. Filing for a Divorce (and not finalizing should R be an option) shows the WS that there will be conditions to be met in order to R, and that, should the WS fall short (go underground, etc) the D will be finalized.


----------



## lordmayhem

survivorwife said:


> To show the WS that these are the consequences of having an A and that the BS "is not playing" around with the seriousness of it all. Filing for a Divorce (and not finalizing should R be an option) shows the WS that there will be conditions to be met in order to R, and that, should the WS fall short (go underground, etc) the D will be finalized.


:iagree:

The length of time that divorces take can be used as the grace period where the decision to R can happen. Because all it is, is the initial petition. It will be up to the BS and WS to continue on to the final decree. Many divorces are filed that are never finalized.


----------



## morituri

Right now the princess has two suitors, the OM and you. Her head has gotten bigger than Kim Kardashian's a$$ and she believes she's got you and the OM eating out of it. She feels zero sexual attraction for you because she believes that she can have you any time she wants. Not so with the OM because he is the forbidden fruit and can dump her anytime he wants.

Want to deflate her ego and humble her? File for divorce and resist any attempts by her to negotiate with you or even desperate attempts to seduce you. Then watch how the OM then dumps her because he does not want to take on a unfaithful woman with kids. *Rejection is a b!tch* and women SEEM to have a harder time dealing with it - more so the ones with an entitlement mindset like hers.

You want to super size your balls? Try the above.


----------



## iheartlife

cardinals_fan said:


> That is something that I thought about today. I have 1 chance and 1 only. If it works, great. If not great. I know either way that I will be a much stronger and better person.


If you know you just have one shot--play your cards right.

Exposure--to someone she respects--is key to this. Why do we know that? Because she already told you: this is between the two of you. She just gave away her core vulnerability--she cares about her reputation, she cares about what someone important to HER thinks about HER. Not punishment or humiliation; just truth. If you go beyond truth to histrionics, if you let it be about vindictiveness, then of course these people she respects will simply take her side. When done in a loving way, however, it forces her hand. Him or you.

Filing for divorce is the other element. There is so much confusion over how this card is played. Filing for divorce seems so final. That's why it's oftened threatened. But threats of divorce don't work. Your wife thinks you don't have it in you. She gets something out of being legally married and she is COUNTING on you not having the nerve to file. 

These two cards played together are one last way of saying (and this is critical): I love you very much. I WANT to stay married. But on our wedding day we made vows to each other to be faithful for life. You've brought another person in to our marriage and that is a betrayal of our vows. You cannot have it both ways. It's him or me and this time I MEAN it [because I had the strength to file for divorce and to tell the people you respect that there is a grave threat to our marriage and we need their support].


----------



## lenzi

I see now why filing for divorce makes sense in this situation, however I am concerned that the Op is not strong enough to stay the course and as soon as the wife starts playing it up and acting remorseful he'll just buckle, and the cycle will perpetuate.

For this to work he's gotta stay strong and tough. For months if not years.


----------



## iheartlife

lenzi said:


> I see now why filing for divorce makes sense in this situation, however I am concerned that the Op is not strong enough to stay the course and as soon as the wife starts playing it up and acting remorseful he'll just buckle, and the cycle will perpetuate.
> 
> For this to work he's gotta stay strong and tough. For months if not years.


There is a lot of confusion over how affairs function. As you point out, many people think that filing for divorce is saying it's over. That IS what it says to the cheater for sure. When you're faced with the fact that you have nothing left but expose and file, you are at the point where you are making a hail mary pass. Your marriage is pretty much lost already--you are just banking on the surprise that you have a backbone after all waking up the cheater and forcing them to make a choice.

This also goes into other misapprehensions about cheating. Cheating is essentially dating (or having more than one sex partner) while staying legally married, without the permission of the other partner, of course. Cheaters GET something out of being married, or THEY would file for divorce. Here we have a woman who has every single vested interest on paper to stay married. This is a classic example of someone who is going to have her cake and eat it too until someone forces her hand.

She has as much as said she will bide her time until the kids are grown--so the chances of true R are...well anyhow, this is the OP's call.


----------



## happyman64

morituri said:


> Right now the princess has two suitors, the OM and you. Her head has gotten bigger than Kim Kardashian's a$$ and she believes she's got you and the OM eating out of it. She feels zero sexual attraction for you because she believes that she can have you any time she wants. Not so with the OM because he is the forbidden fruit and can dump her anytime he wants.
> 
> Want to deflate her ego and humble her? File for divorce and resist any attempts by her to negotiate with you or even desperate attempts to seduce you. Then watch how the OM then dumps her because he does not want to take on a unfaithful woman with kids. *Rejection is a b!tch* and women SEEM to have a harder time dealing with it - more so the ones with an entitlement mindset like hers.
> 
> You want to super size your balls? Try the above.


:iagree:

CF, 

Mori is right. You have to risk losing it all if you even want to have a chance at winning.

No one here is calling you a ***** but yourself.

*1.I understand the 20 years in with the same woman. What you do not realize is that she is no longer the same woman you married 20 years ago.

2.So file for D. Make it clear to her that you will be fine moving on.

3.Go see your lawyer and get your ducks in a row.

4.Have her served at work with no prior warning. You need to shock her.

5. Lock down the money before she hides it all or spends it all on her boyfriend.*

Do not engage her with any discussions or her arguments. All you have to say is when POSOM is out of the picture then you will speak to her.

It is never to late to man up. The key is to man up for yourself and your kids. Maybe your wife will wise up and get on your bandwagon. Maybe she will not.

The key is to use all this pain and hurt to make yourself a better man for your new improved marriage or the next good woman in your life.

It is as simple as that!!!!!

Good Luck and Move Back Home where you Belong!!!

HM64


----------



## Gabriel

happyman64 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> CF,
> 
> Mori is right. You have to risk losing it all if you even want to have a chance at winning.
> 
> No one here is calling you a ***** but yourself.
> 
> *1.I understand the 20 years in with the same woman. What you do not realize is that she is no longer the same woman you married 20 years ago.
> 
> 2.So file for D. Make it clear to her that you will be fine moving on.
> 
> 3.Go see your lawyer and get your ducks in a row.
> 
> 4.Have her served at work with no prior warning. You need to shock her.
> 
> 5. Lock down the money before she hides it all or spends it all on her boyfriend.*
> 
> Do not engage her with any discussions or her arguments. All you have to say is when POSOM is out of the picture then you will speak to her.
> 
> It is never to late to man up. The key is to man up for yourself and your kids. Maybe your wife will wise up and get on your bandwagon. Maybe she will not.
> 
> The key is to use all this pain and hurt to make yourself a better man for your new improved marriage or the next good woman in your life.
> 
> It is as simple as that!!!!!
> 
> Good Luck and Move Back Home where you Belong!!!
> 
> HM64


This is great advice. What will happen is she will perceive this as a deadline. It forces her hand. Think about it from her perspective. If you did what is suggested above, she would say "Sh*t! He's filed for divorce and the clock is ticking! He won't stop it or even talk to me unless I end it with OM! What do I do? F*ck!!"


----------



## sinnister

Good that you're going to see the attorney.

But what exactly do you love? That woman is not your wife. That's not the woman you've loved for 20 years. That is a different person. A person who would put her own gratification above the well being of your children. Someone who would show them that cheating should be accepted. Someone who berates their father calling him childish names challenging his manhood.

What you have is a zombie. You can't reconcile with that. Divorce and don't look back.


----------



## cardinals_fan

morituri said:


> Right now the princess has two suitors, the OM and you. Her head has gotten bigger than Kim Kardashian's a$$ and she believes she's got you and the OM eating out of it. She feels zero sexual attraction for you because she believes that she can have you any time she wants. Not so with the OM because he is the forbidden fruit and can dump her anytime he wants.
> 
> Want to deflate her ego and humble her? File for divorce and resist any attempts by her to negotiate with you or even desperate attempts to seduce you. Then watch how the OM then dumps her because he does not want to take on a unfaithful woman with kids. *Rejection is a b!tch* and women SEEM to have a harder time dealing with it - more so the ones with an entitlement mindset like hers.
> 
> You want to super size your balls? Try the above.




I am in the process of this. Went to my lawyers today. The ball is rolling. Its gonna KILL me financially, but I got to do it.


----------



## cardinals_fan

happyman64 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> CF,
> 
> Mori is right. You have to risk losing it all if you even want to have a chance at winning.
> 
> No one here is calling you a ***** but yourself.
> 
> *1.I understand the 20 years in with the same woman. What you do not realize is that she is no longer the same woman you married 20 years ago.
> 
> 2.So file for D. Make it clear to her that you will be fine moving on.
> 
> 3.Go see your lawyer and get your ducks in a row.
> 
> 4.Have her served at work with no prior warning. You need to shock her.
> 
> 5. Lock down the money before she hides it all or spends it all on her boyfriend.*
> 
> Do not engage her with any discussions or her arguments. All you have to say is when POSOM is out of the picture then you will speak to her.
> 
> It is never to late to man up. The key is to man up for yourself and your kids. Maybe your wife will wise up and get on your bandwagon. Maybe she will not.
> 
> The key is to use all this pain and hurt to make yourself a better man for your new improved marriage or the next good woman in your life.
> 
> It is as simple as that!!!!!
> 
> Good Luck and Move Back Home where you Belong!!!
> 
> HM64


Thats what happened today. The ball is rolling.


----------



## cardinals_fan

Gabriel said:


> This is great advice. What will happen is she will perceive this as a deadline. It forces her hand. Think about it from her perspective. If you did what is suggested above, she would say "Sh*t! He's filed for divorce and the clock is ticking! He won't stop it or even talk to me unless I end it with OM! What do I do? F*ck!!"


EXACTLY!!!!:smthumbup:


----------



## cardinals_fan

sinnister said:


> Good that you're going to see the attorney.
> 
> But what exactly do you love? That woman is not your wife. That's not the woman you've loved for 20 years. That is a different person. A person who would put her own gratification above the well being of your children. Someone who would show them that cheating should be accepted. Someone who berates their father calling him childish names challenging his manhood.
> 
> What you have is a zombie. You can't reconcile with that. Divorce and don't look back.



I love the woman that she was prior to this. Yes I do understand that she may be gone. If she does return to the woman that I married, then yes, a R may be possible. If not, NO WAY IN HELL!!!!!!


----------



## bandit.45

Go silent on her and stay silent. Make sure she is served at work in front of everyone.


----------



## cardinals_fan

bandit.45 said:


> Go silent on her and stay silent. Make sure she is served at work in front of everyone.


That is my plan. She has no idea about this, none. Yeah I know it will get worse, but like I keep saying, I HAVE TO DO THIS!!!!


----------



## keko

Once again keep a voice recorder on yourself at all times from this moment on.


----------



## Acabado

Another one reminding about the VAR, everywhere!


----------



## Shaggy

And keep us updated on your progress, good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OldWolf57

no I do not fault you for trying to save your marriage, nor do I think less of you. You are you, an I am me. I look at things for my side and knowing the kind of man I am. It funny, but the Bible hold pride as one of the 7 deadly sins, but some of us would die than suffer disrespect. In fact, I have a lot of respect for ppl who can do what you are doing. So ALL best Wishes to your success.


----------



## cardinals_fan

Shaggy said:


> And keep us updated on your progress, good luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh I plan on it. This forum is what has helped me TREMENDOUSLY!!! I cant thank everyone enough.


----------



## Jibril

Acabado said:


> Another one reminding about the VAR, everywhere!


At the risk of sounding repetitive, I will repeat:
Have the VAR on you whenever you're home or near your kookie wife. Cover your bases, because if she's as vindictive as you're describing her, she will *blow* when she finds out.


----------



## cardinals_fan

Jibril said:


> At the risk of sounding repetitive, I will repeat:
> Have the VAR on you whenever you're home or near your kookie wife. Cover your bases, because if she's as vindictive as you're describing her, she will *blow* when she finds out.



You are 100% right. Thats what I did tonight. I went an bought one


----------



## the guy

It sound like you are in a better place then you were 18 pages ago. I hope you go back home and I hope in time she choose her family.

Let us know what the lawyer said.


----------



## cardinals_fan

the guy said:


> It sound like you are in a better place then you were 18 pages ago. I hope you go back home and I hope in time she choose her family.
> 
> Let us know what the lawyer said.



Ok, my lawyer said that she feels its not a good idea for me to move back in. She has said that there is too much going on. I told her it makes me crazy to be there. I said when she goes out, I get to thinking about who she is with. I also told her that I mgiht one day BLOW UP!!! I know I wouldnt hit her, not in a million years, but if he dropped her off or something, all bets are off with him. I am going to give her the retainer Monday, and she told me she should be served Friday at his (OM) bosses house. She (the lawyer) said that if this dont wake her out of this fog,(Yes, she really did say fog) nothing will. Its funny, she is my lawyer and she also seems like a counselor to, which is great. I know this what I have to do, like I keep saying. She still has no idea. Actually, she is probably out with him as I type this and she thinks all is great. What a reality check this is gonna be for her come Friday!!!


----------



## keko

Who takes care of the kids when she's out?


----------



## cardinals_fan

keko said:


> Who takes care of the kids when she's out?


Well for example, this is my weekend with them. Trust me, I aint making it easy on her. I dont tell her when I am picking the kids up. She asks and I tell her Im not really sure because of work. I dont give a flying [email protected] if its not convenient for her. Thats not my problem!!! I know she hates it, because tonite when I picked them up, she was ready to leave and we had to go back into the house. One of those deer in the head light look. Same thing when I drop them off, I give her a 4 hour window. Like I said, I dont care if it interferes with her [email protected] schedule!!! this is what she made, so she can deal with it.

Oh yeah, anther thing my lawyer said to me was that she has to give me 100% access to the house. She can NOT change locks or tell me I cant come over. 

I moved out to make it as easy for my kids as I can. I understand if we do get the D, it will be tough on them, but as of right now, I feel it is easier on them.


----------



## cardinals_fan

the guy said:


> It sound like you are in a better place then you were 18 pages ago. I hope you go back home and I hope in time she choose her family.
> 
> Let us know what the lawyer said.


Am I really in a better place???? You know what, Im not sure. I have all these emotions going through my head, such a fear, anxiety and every other one you can think of. One thing that makes me feel GREAT though, is my kids. The way the laugh with, and at me, makes me feel like everything is going ok. Thats what keeps me going. Those two.


----------



## keko

Were you sharing any joint accounts?

Do you have any valuable items at your house?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cardinals_fan

keko said:


> Were you sharing any joint accounts?
> 
> Do you have any valuable items at your house?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have to share accounts until papers are served. My valuables are gone. I either took them or put them in my safety deposit box.


----------



## keko

Just before she is served make sure to withdraw at least half of them, or all of it to put a harder pressure on her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cardinals_fan

keko said:


> Just before she is served make sure to withdraw at least half of them, or all of it to put a harder pressure on her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Actually, I asked my lawyer to let me know when she is served. I was planning on being at the bank already.


----------



## aug

Remove your valuable/irreplaceable papers, documents, computer stuff, etc.


----------



## cardinals_fan

aug said:


> Remove your valuable/irreplaceable papers, documents, computer stuff, etc.


I did


----------



## keko

Also was she working? Does she have a car?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cardinals_fan

keko said:


> Also was she working? Does she have a car?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She works and has a car.


----------



## keko

cardinals_fan said:


> She works and has a car.


This might sound evil but after having her served you can pull a fuse off her car to make her suffer a bit. The point is to show her what it will be like without the help of her husband and what she is about to lose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cardinals_fan

keko said:


> This might sound evil but after having her served you can pull a fuse off her car to make her suffer a bit. The point is to show her what it will be like without the help of her husband and what she is about to lose.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


thought about it. I told her today that she or my son is going to have to cut the lawn, because I aint doing it now more.


----------



## keko

Try to stack them up for the "getting served" day and go nuclear on her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Complexity

Cardinal, take your time and don't let emotion dictate your actions. Be calm and rational with all your decisions and whatever you do, *do not* try any sort of vindictive or criminal acts that will torpedo your case against her if you do decide to divorce. I pray that she snaps out of the fog after she gets served as I suspect you're still pro R.


----------



## morituri

Cool heads with a plan almost always prevail.

Please consider reading *Surveillance Methods As A Defense*.


----------



## lenzi

cardinals_fan said:


> Well for example, this is my weekend with them. Trust me, I aint making it easy on her. I dont tell her when I am picking the kids up. She asks and I tell her Im not really sure because of work.
> 
> I moved out to make it as easy for my kids as I can. I understand if we do get the D, it will be tough on them, but as of right now, I feel it is easier on them.


If you want to make it easier on the kids then don't use them as weapons against your wife.

Telling her you don't know when you'll pick them up, hurts them.

They need reliability and consistency, and they NEED to know when you're going to be there.


----------



## Acabado

Hit her with no rest; papers, back accounts, nuclear exposure...


----------



## cardinals_fan

lenzi said:


> If you want to make it easier on the kids then don't use them as weapons against your wife.
> 
> Telling her you don't know when you'll pick them up, hurts them.
> 
> They need reliability and consistency, and they NEED to know when you're going to be there.


OMG I am there for them. You have no idea. I should have told the whole story about that. She had a dinner date with the OM that she didnt think that I knew about. That was why I did that. I told the kids the previous day that I would be there at 5. I WILL NEVER USE MY KIDS AS A WEAPON!!!!


----------



## Shaggy

Go and open a new checking account ASAP in your name only. When paper serving day arrives, go that morning and take money out of the joint account as a bank draft and move it over to the new account.

If you have direct depost stop it and move it.

Grab a copy of all tax returns and save them offsite in a safe place.

If you can arrange to pick up your kids and drop them off at grandma's that day.


----------



## jh52

Hey cardinal:

I asked you this before -- but do you have any idea if she is sexually involved with the OM's boss and his wife as well?


----------



## the guy

Does that question really help OP?


----------



## the guy

With regards to the lawyer, have you asked her about a moral clause that will prevent OM from being around the kids?
I would also suggest you name OM in the paper work. Also get the lawyer to write something up that gets her evicted fro *your* home. Even though what you have going is in the best interest for the kids, it just a statement, that brings about more consequences for her actions.

Remember go after her hard and let WW contest. Drag OM along in this crap. Again making it uncomfortable and inconvienent for the affair to continue.

At the very least I would spend as much time with the kids and in your house as possible....I see nothing wrong in speneding the night once in a while. The good thing is you have some were to go already if you do start to get worked up, but in the same breath you can stick around the house more and WW can't do a damb thing about it.

For what its worth, I disagree with the lawyer..but hay I'm just the guy!

How are you going to cordinate the gettting served and the exposure? What will be the extent of any additional exposure?

I'm sure you have a plan to show your WW the full extent for the consequences to her choices.

When the sh!t hits the fan always remember "until she NC the OM you have nothing to say to her".

Remember the 180 and do not engage her except with the kids. Until Om is completely out of the picture, what do you really have to talk about?

The next couple of weeks she will hate you, so that is the time you go dark. get her served, expose and go dark. Let the next course of action do some work and let it sink in, then you can open a door to WW if you so choose. But the thing here is going dark and giving her the perception that you have moved on. It suck for the kids, but even a week going completely dark may help the entire family.

Again if WW doesn't turn the corner you can always make up that lost time with the kids.

My thinking here is your WW thinks as long as the kids are around so will you. As hard as it is, I suspect your wife is play this crap with the kids in mind. 

I may be wrong but it's something to think about, a fake perception that until your WW changes she will have lost her husband and the father of her kids. I guess I sound pretty crappy thinking this but again you can always make up lost time w/ your kids later down the road. My thinking can back fire also but I'm just throwing it out there.

I regress, your best approach is to be the best dad you can be, and not giving WW the ammunition to make you look like the bad guy.


----------



## the guy

Sorry for the rant............


----------



## jh52

the guy said:


> With regards to the lawyer, have you asked her about a moral clause that will prevent OM from being around the kids?
> I would also suggest you name OM in the paper work. Also get the lawyer to write something up that gets her evicted fro *your* home. Even though what you have going is in the best interest for the kids, it just a statement, that brings about more consequences for her actions.
> 
> Remember go after her hard and let WW contest. Drag OM along in this crap. Again making it uncomfortable and inconvienent for the affair to continue.
> 
> At the very least I would spend as much time with the kids and in your house as possible....I see nothing wrong in speneding the night once in a while. The good thing is you have some were to go already if you do start to get worked up, but in the same breath you can stick around the house more and WW can't do a damb thing about it.
> 
> For what its worth, I disagree with the lawyer..but hay I'm just the guy!
> 
> How are you going to cordinate the gettting served and the exposure? What will be the extent of any additional exposure?
> 
> I'm sure you have a plan to show your WW the full extent for the consequences to her choices.
> 
> When the sh!t hits the fan always remember "until she NC the OM you have nothing to say to her".
> 
> Remember the 180 and do not engage her except with the kids. Until Om is completely out of the picture, what do you really have to talk about?
> 
> The next couple of weeks she will hate you, so that is the time you go dark. get her served, expose and go dark. Let the next course of action do some work and let it sink in, then you can open a door to WW if you so choose. But the thing here is going dark and giving her the perception that you have moved on. It suck for the kids, but even a week going completely dark may help the entire family.
> 
> Again if WW doesn't turn the corner you can always make up that lost time with the kids.
> 
> My thinking here is your WW thinks as long as the kids are around so will you. As hard as it is, I suspect your wife is play this crap with the kids in mind.
> 
> I may be wrong but it's something to think about, a fake perception that until your WW changes she will have lost her husband and the father of her kids. I guess I sound pretty crappy thinking this but again you can always make up lost time w/ your kids later down the road. My thinking can back fire also but I'm just throwing it out there.
> 
> I regress, your best approach is to be the best dad you can be, and not giving WW the ammunition to make you look like the bad guy.


You just answered the question you asked me -- how low are his wife's moral.


----------



## the guy

Most likely not as low as my wifes but his WW morals won't help him find the best way to get through this sh!t.
OP already knows WW is in a bad spot, the guestion now is how and if she will get out of this fog.


----------



## iheartlife

the guy said:


> For what its worth, I disagree with the lawyer..but hay I'm just the guy!


I also disagree with the lawyer. While the lawyer may sound like a counselor, are they really going to try to help you R? If that is what you want. Take that into consideration as well in terms of moving back home. It's not just a legal issue, it's also a huge factor in R.


----------



## the guy

I guess I'm saying if the capacity is there then you have to assume the worst. Asking about is is like kicking OP when he is already down. Thats my $0.02


----------



## the guy

@iheartlife, you make a great point, divorce lawyer aren't in the business of R !

I would reconsider....please move back, only if you are smart enough to not get thrown in jail. I would do it just to challeng the affair.

Herhusband was living apart and they R,

Half of me is thinking OP is making it to easy for WW, the other half says he's doing best for him......and that ain't a bad thing.


----------



## iheartlife

Well, I also posted earlier my concern that she would mess with his head if he moved back in with her. I guess I can't have it both ways 

But yes, it struck me when you wrote that, the_guy, that he needs to balance what the legal advice is (which favors divorce) vs. standard R advice. Separation almost always leads to divorce even without any affair.


----------



## the guy

Ya it tough, granted that she is actively seeing OM so in this case, there is no R *FOR NOW*.
Until NC is comminted to and confirmed its a losing battle in the R department, but as far as making the affair inconvienent...not having that babysitter around 24/7 for the "GNO" then thats a good thing.
I think OP has a plan and knows whats best for his sitch and for his kids. But doesn't change my view on continuing to challange the affiar with other options like trying to get her evicted. Sure it will be tough on the kids, but OP's WW should have thought about that before stepping out of the marriage.

I also believe the kids are a great tool to use in trying to R...but in the same breath if this heads to a D then the kids card would be totaly off limits. Thats way times like this one of the best things to do is spending time with the kids....sure it alows the A flurish, but with exposure it squashes that concept.

So in short the living apart thing is not going to effect the marriage the WW being in a active affair is effecting the dynamic of the M.

So, sure as soon as WW want to work on the M but wants "space" then thats the time to move back. If WW can say the word that "she agrees to NC" then move back ASAP no matter what.


I'm ranting and wishy washy....just move back damb it!!!!


----------



## the guy

If it was me I would have her served, expose the A, and move back home all in one day.
What a why to nuke the A........


----------



## Shaggy

While the lawyer gave some good advice, other parts of it seem like she s setting you up for a fast easier divorce. Petra's after hearing your story she has concluded there is no chance of R, so she is setting you up on the cleanest path to D.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

the guy said:


> If it was me I would have her served, expose the A, and move back home all in one day.
> What a why to nuke the A........


100% agree
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cardinals_fan

Well here is where I am at at the end of this weekend. It was the first true weekend for me and the kids. I have to be honest, Friday night SUCK BIG TIME!!!!!!! I knew this was going to be hard, but man o man, that night was like a living hell!!! Took the kids out for dinner, and it suck when the hostess said a table for 3?? Kinda stupid I know, but it was the realization that this is how it is gonna be for now and possibly for a while. I couldnt stop think about things. But once I did sleep, it was great the next day. Had a awesome time with me and the kids. Even today was a good day for me. But none the less, still going to my lawyers office once I get the money.


----------



## Chaparral

On the day she is served I would move back in, bag up a bunch of her stuff, and throw it in the OMs yard. I would change the locks too. Of course you will have to change them back but its the thought that counts.


----------



## Chaparral

Have you read "Married Man Sex Life" and "No More Mister Nice Guy" yet? It doesn't really sound like you have a handle on why this has happened yet.


----------



## cardinals_fan

chapparal said:


> Have you read "Married Man Sex Life" and "No More Mister Nice Guy" yet? It doesn't really sound like you have a handle on why this has happened yet.


in the process of reading "No More Mr Nice guy"


----------



## Chaparral

cardinals_fan said:


> in the process of reading "No More Mr Nice guy"


I would recommend MMSL as a must read for every man. BTW its not a sex manual. It explains the male female dynamic.


----------



## cardinals_fan

chapparal said:


> I would recommend MMSL as a must read for every man. BTW its not a sex manual. It explains the male female dynamic.


Right now I am reading everything I can. She is playing me like a puppet and I dont like it. One day its like I want to try and then the next its I want the big D. But, I am still staying on track for everything. I am waiting to get my money and going to file. The way I look at it, what do I have to lose?? If we try to work it out, great. If not, oh well. I know I can always say that I tried. Anyways, thats the latest up date on my end.


----------



## donders

cardinals_fan said:


> Right now I am reading everything I can. She is playing me like a puppet and I dont like it.


Then stop allowing her to treat you like crap and stop responding to her when she throws you the scraps. 

Cut the cord man.


----------



## Chaparral

Until she is done with the affair, use the 180 to get your life back. Then if she doesn't wake up you will be able to move on and have a great relationship who loves you.

Go here and keep at it until you get it.

The Healing Heart: The 180

Also have you read "No More Mister Nice Guy"?


----------



## cardinals_fan

I have read both of them, and thats my plan. Serve her and take it from there. I know I can stop the proceedings, if she shows true remorse. If not, it runs its course, and Im divorced. Either way, Im good with it


----------



## jh52

cardinals_fan said:


> I have read both of them, and thats my plan. Serve her and take it from there. I know I can stop the proceedings, if she shows true remorse. If not, it runs its course, and Im divorced. Either way, Im good with it


Keep us updated -- good luck !!


----------



## cardinals_fan

jh52 said:


> Keep us updated -- good luck !!


Just waiting for the check to come in.


----------



## Chaparral

cardinals_fan said:


> I have read both of them, and thats my plan. Serve her and take it from there. I know I can stop the proceedings, if she shows true remorse. If not, it runs its course, and Im divorced. Either way, Im good with it


Stay strong, good luck and prayers for your family


----------



## cardinals_fan

Thanks and I'm gonna need that.


----------



## Shaggy

Did she get served Friday.? How are things going down?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cardinals_fan

Ok, here is the update. I finally got my check and an appointment with my lawyer today. She will be served by the end of the week. She (my lawyer) advised me NOT to do it the way I have planned. She said that since I have to pay for both lawyers(NOT BY CHOICE) she felt that she would just keep fighting so that it would really break me, to which I agreed. It was funny, on my way her office, "The End" by the doors can on the radio and I thought it was truly fitting. 
I know there are a lot of people out there who are going through the same thing, and let me tell you, it gets better. I know it may suck for you now, but it does get better. You will one day realize that no matter what you try to do, its only you who are working at it. I know this may not be the case for everyone, but if you feel like you are working and the other person is not, get out. Dont fight a battle if you cant not win the war. It aint worth it. I know!
I know for the next 4 years Im not gonna have a pot to p%ss in or a window to throw it out of, but Im good with that. Paying child support, which I am good with because I made them and help raise them and with maintenance, which is New Yorks way of saying alimony. I know that I dont need or want a cheat, lair, manipulator and a condescending woman in my life!!!!! I know that there is someone out there who will treat me the way that want and need to be treated. Not that I am jumping into anything.
Anyways, I will keep you posted on how everything plays out.


----------



## bandit.45

Good luck brother. Stay strong and let us know what her reaction to getting served is.


----------



## the guy

If its a coworker have her served at work. If not I hope you can find the most effective place to have her served, Like OM house.

I hope she is still in the dark with what she is about to step in?


----------



## cardinals_fan

the guy said:


> If its a coworker have her served at work. If not I hope you can find the most effective place to have her served, Like OM house.
> 
> I hope she is still in the dark with what she is about to step in?


Im knocking on the door, leaving a bag of sh&t on fire at the door and running!!!!!!!!!! :rofl: She has NO IDEA!!!!!! None!!! 
Sorry in a comical mood tonite.


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## keko

Agreed with having her served at work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

Good for you CF. there is no R with a cake eater.

stay firm with her and get her served.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife

Keep us updated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

Why would you pay for her attorney?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri

Shaggy said:


> Why would you pay for her attorney?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's been the law in many States for many decades that if one spouse can't afford to pay for a divorce attorney, the other spouse - the breadwinner - has to pay for it.


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## cardinals_fan

Shaggy said:


> Why would you pay for her attorney?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats New York. Because she was a stay at home mom.


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## iheartlife

I just read in another thread that you dug up some good dirt on the OM. Did I miss something?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cardinals_fan

iheartlife said:


> I just read in another thread that you dug up some good dirt on the OM. Did I miss something?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, OM is a felon. Domestic abuse, imprisonment, contempt of court and harassment. WINNER!!!!


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## iheartlife

Thanks for clarifying. Others reading your thread may find it instructive. Researching the OM / OW is especially important when you have kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57

CF, she WAS a SAHM, but she works now. So that should have some bearing. I don't see why your lawyer is not trying to help you keep some $$$. So, are you asking for 50/50 custody?? Did you ask the lawyer to restrict him from being around your kids. domestic violence should help with that. Are you still wanting R.


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## cardinals_fan

OldWolf57 said:


> CF, she WAS a SAHM, but she works now. So that should have some bearing. I don't see why your lawyer is not trying to help you keep some $$$. So, are you asking for 50/50 custody?? Did you ask the lawyer to restrict him from being around your kids. domestic violence should help with that. Are you still wanting R.


As far as restricting him, we are going to try. As far as a R, NO WAY IN HELL!!!!!! Nope. For what??? I am working on me. There is no us now. I was the one who was working on tring to save it, no one else. She thinks the grass is greener, will I hope she has a lot of spray paint, cause it aint greener. She lost the GREATEST man ever and thats how I feel now. I may not be perfect, but I know I am pretty damn close to it. Im not tring to egotistical but that is how I feel. Oh and she does NOT have a real job.


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## lordmayhem

cardinals_fan said:


> As far as restricting him, we are going to try. As far as a R, NO WAY IN HELL!!!!!! Nope. For what??? I am working on me. There is no us now. I was the one who was working on tring to save it, no one else. She thinks the grass is greener, will I hope she has a lot of spray paint, cause it aint greener. She lost the GREATEST man ever and thats how I feel now. I may not be perfect, but I know I am pretty damn close to it. Im not tring to egotistical but that is how I feel. Oh and she does NOT have a real job.


That's fantastic!

Just want to forewarn you though, the emotional roller coaster ride is just beginning. There will be days or times when you won't feel so great. I suggest printing out a list of your great qualities and why you're the greatest so that you can read it when you're feeling low and depressed. A good place is near your bed so you can read it when you wake up in the morning. Or at least something positive.


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## cardinals_fan

lordmayhem said:


> That's fantastic!
> 
> Just want to forewarn you though, the emotional roller coaster ride is just beginning. There will be days or times when you won't feel so great. I suggest printing out a list of your great qualities and why you're the greatest so that you can read it when you're feeling low and depressed. A good place is near your bed so you can read it when you wake up in the morning. Or at least something positive.


Already done that. I read them everyday. I know its just the beginning, and there is a long road ahead, but I am ready to take it on head first. I always tried to live my life with no regrets and I know that I dont and will not have any with this.


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## OldWolf57

Go back and read this whole thread if you EVER have a soft thought for her again. the pu**y grew into a lion dude.


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## cardinals_fan

OldWolf57 said:


> Go back and read this whole thread if you EVER have a soft thought for her again. the pu**y grew into a lion dude.


You know what, I did that tonite, and thats how I feel!!!
Here is the latest:
She was suppose to be served Friday but my lawyers court proceedings went longer then she planned. She kept me informed about it. She couldnt get it to the process server in time. She apologized about it. She said Monday the 25 for sure. The funny thing is that Monday I have to work at the time when she is getting served. I know my phone is gonna definitely gonna be full when I get out of work. 

I cant believe the way I feel about it. I mean here was the person loved more than anything else in the world, and Im serving her with divorce papers, and Im kinda happy about it. I dont know why. Maybe because of everything that happened, or the way everything played out, I dont know. Its funny, when I seem down about this, like I did over the weekend, I just keep thinking of my kids, and my list. The list is list of my great qualities and why Im the greatest. I read them every day once I get up and before I go to bed to remind myself that I didnt cause this, nor was I to blame for any of this. But, at one time was my biggest concern was that she would put some if not all of the blame of this one. Now, I can take it. If that makes her feel better, what ever. Im a big man(literally and figuratively), and I know the truth. I know one day my kids will know the truth, and thats what matters to me!! Not that I will ever bad mouth her around them, they will know.


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## cardinals_fan

jh52 said:


> Hey cardinal:
> 
> I asked you this before -- but do you have any idea if she is sexually involved with the OM's boss and his wife as well?


to my knowledge no


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## iheartlife

Give us an update when you have one.


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## Beelzebub

then ask her to leave the family.


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## the guy

For what it matters, I'm proud of you. You have not let her crap define who your are and what you want to be....that is awsome and thank you for sharing.
I hope it shows the newbies what needs to be done to move on with or with out the wayward.


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## cardinals_fan

Ok:
She was served, and nothing from her. I was shocked to say the least. I knew she would never come crying back or anything, but sure thought it would have been different. Im glad it was that way though, it was less stressful for me. I cant thank EVERYONE on here enough for all your support through this. Dont worry, I aint gonna be a stranger, thats for sure. I know I have a long road ahead of me that may get pretty rough, but I know now that I have the strength to handle it. I will keep everyone here updated as to what goes on.


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## lordmayhem

I hate to upset you more, but the reason you never heard from her is because she's bawling her eyes out on OMs shoulder. But that's fine and to be expected because she's so deep in the fog. Just continue your 180 and continue to detach. You will gain strength as time goes by.


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## jh52

"OM is a felon"

Just watch your back and be careful.


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## cardinals_fan

Yeah he is a felon. Funny, people say ex felon, once one always one. 
LM, You say she was in his arms?? Well, I hope for her sake she was. I know she is not handling this well, that for sure. Just the way she is talking to me. Im to far gone now to EVER go back. Like a 1000 mile journey. Ive gone 800 miles, and the only way out is the other 200. Never back tack or go back now.


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## iheartlife

So you have heard from her now?


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## happyman64

Cf
Just take care of you and your family.

Your wife is no longer part of that equation by her own choice.

Put on your sneakers and start walking the next 200week miles......
HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cardinals_fan

I haven't heard anything from her about this. I'm waiting to hear something from my lawyer. I pick up the kids and she says nothing, not that its a bad thing. I would rather not hear her voice anyways.


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## carpenoctem

cardinals_fan said:


> You know what, I did that tonite, and thats how I feel!!!
> Here is the latest:
> She was suppose to be served Friday but my lawyers court proceedings went longer then she planned. She kept me informed about it. She couldnt get it to the process server in time. She apologized about it. She said Monday the 25 for sure. The funny thing is that Monday I have to work at the time when she is getting served. I know my phone is gonna definitely gonna be full when I get out of work.
> 
> I cant believe the way I feel about it. I mean here was the person loved more than anything else in the world, and Im serving her with divorce papers, and Im kinda happy about it. I dont know why. Maybe because of everything that happened, or the way everything played out, I dont know. Its funny, when I seem down about this, like I did over the weekend, I just keep thinking of my kids, and my list. The list is list of my great qualities and why Im the greatest. I read them every day once I get up and before I go to bed to remind myself that I didnt cause this, nor was I to blame for any of this. But, at one time was my biggest concern was that she would put some if not all of the blame of this one. Now, I can take it. If that makes her feel better, what ever. Im a big man(literally and figuratively), and I know the truth. I know one day my kids will know the truth, and thats what matters to me!! Not that I will ever bad mouth her around them, they will know.



cardinals_fan has his own fans now.

is it silly, to feel a little proud of you?

is it mean, to hope she feels at least a part of the pain she inflicetd upon you, before moving on and finding her own happiness?

*for every man infidelity has remorselessly broken, there is another it has remoulded as a better man.*


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## cardinals_fan

carpenoctem said:


> cardinals_fan has his own fans now.
> 
> is it silly, to feel a little proud of you?
> 
> is it mean, to hope she feels at least a part of the pain she inflicetd upon you, before moving on and finding her own happiness?
> 
> *for every man infidelity has remorselessly broken, there is another it has remoulded as a better man.*


And you know what, this is me. I am remolded and a better man cause of this.


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## bandit.45

cardinals_fan said:


> And you know what, this is me. I am remolded and a better man cause of this.


Okay thanks for the cryptic response.

Give us an update !


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## cardinals_fan

bandit.45 said:


> Okay thanks for the cryptic response.
> 
> Give us an update !


She finally contacted my lawyer. Have a few papers to fill out. So far so good. Lawyer said could be done in 4 months, depending on how much we fight over things. Thats all I have for now. I am feeling absolutely awesome!!! Like a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders. I havent felt this happy in YEARS!! Thats whats funny to me.


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## carpenoctem

bandit.45 said:


> Okay thanks for the cryptic response.
> 
> Give us an update !



apologies for short detour from thread subject:

bandit: your avtaar in your first thread - is that your actual pic?
you didn't need a gun-trotting version, brother. that man looked tough enough.


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## iheartlife

cardinals_fan said:


> She finally contacted my lawyer. Have a few papers to fill out. So far so good. Lawyer said could be done in 4 months, depending on how much we fight over things. Thats all I have for now. I am feeling absolutely awesome!!! Like a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders. I havent felt this happy in YEARS!! Thats whats funny to me.


Way to go. And think of this: you feel this way because you took back what control you had over the situation. That's the very best you could do. You had the strength that so many others lack, you just had to find it first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cardinals_fan

iheartlife said:


> Way to go. And think of this: you feel this way because you took back what control you had over the situation. That's the very best you could do. You had the strength that so many others lack, you just had to find it first.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your right about that


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## cardinals_fan

I havent posted in a while, so I will give an update:
Its almost done!!! Basically we are waiting on the sale of the house. I know Im a strong person, but this has beat me down hard!! Like everyone on here has said, you do have good days and bad. Right now, I would have to say its 90% good days. Yes I still have bad days which seem to bring to new lows every time, but I am doing good. The kids seem to be adapting well, which is my biggest concern. They are what increase the drive. I want to thank everyone on here who helped me emotionally. You people have no idea how valuable you are. If I could meet everyone of you, I would buy each and everyone of you beer. You all have helped me in ways that words can not describe. Thank you all so much. I will give updates, but obviously not here but in life after divorce. THANK YOU ALL AGAIN!!!!


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## aug

It's good to see that you're coming out of this mess. Thanks for the update. That's always appreciated.


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## happyman64

CF
I am glad you are well and on the wt to healing.
your kids will be fine because they have you.

Keep walking the path you are on. 

Your life will only get better. How is the selfish WW handling the D?

HM64


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## cardinals_fan

She is acting like she dont care. One day when I told her about the house, she started to cry. I asked her what she was cring about and she told me"All of this going on", I told her that I cried my last tear for her about a year ago. She just called me an [email protected]#hole. I thought it was funny. But more or less, see is acting as if she dont care at all. Thats where I am now 95% of the time.


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## the guy

Defences machinisim.

you do it 

she does it


Point being she had her chance at the end of June, begining of July and threw it a way.

So here we are at the end of summer and she ..........well lets just leave it at that!

Remember the death of a marriage is just like the death of a loved one....as individuals you all will have your moments....she just let her guard down and you called her on it.

Again she had her chance at the end of June. The women had a man willing to forgive her infidelity but she wouldn't stop, "not yet" I believe she said............

Now its just a bad memory........for both of you. 

Stay good man and LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## OldWolf57

CF, I am so DAMN proud of you man. You came here a beatdown wreck. NOW look at the big *****cat. He has grown a mane an is roaring. 

It good the kids are handling this well, but the way she was treating you in front of them, was not healthy like we said. Now look at how much they really LOVE and respect their FATHER !!!

We need you to stick around dude, there are many still coming that could learn from you.
The last thing you wanted was to D, even putting up with her sleeping with the guy for a year. 
We have many coming that just won't accept that their marriage is over. Hoping their wife is going to come out of the fog. Snarfing down every lil crumb as a sign she wants to R.
Maybe you can set them right on that man.

Anyway, I'm sorry you had to go thru this, but so glad you found yourself again, for you and your kids.


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## the guy

Sad but true " there are many still coming" .

Don't leave me here alone CF...god only knows what bad advise I'll give the nebies? LOL


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## cardinals_fan

Thanks guys, I will do that. It makes me feel good that maybe I could and or did help someone realize whats going on. I havent been on here in a while, and yet the past few days, here I am. I consider it like family, You may not see them all the time, but they are here when you need them most. I have grown a lot, both mentally and physically (started working out again), and got more ink done , and I feel so much better about myself. A new chapter in my life or as old wolf might say, a new kingdom to roam.


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## cardinals_fan

Well, house is on the market and have people looking at it this weekend. HURRAY!!!!


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## OldWolf57

Stack that paper dude. Glad to hear from you man.

We need you here more. 
If you start a thread in going thru D section, still keep us updated here.

And I hope you get your asking price.


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## jh52

cardinals_fan said:


> Well, house is on the market and have people looking at it this weekend. HURRAY!!!!


Good luck with selling the house.


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## cardinals_fan

jh52 said:


> Good luck with selling the house.


HOLY S&*T!!!! 3 people looked at it yesterday, 3 bids put in. 2 more looking at it today!! The 3 were over asking price and all the same. Just going through the whole gambit of feelings now. Honestly, I didnt think it would go this fast. I was thinking maybe by the end of the month.


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## OldWolf57

Now that is GREAT news. How many are prequalified ???
Always best to go with the one that don't have to shop for a mortgage.


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## happyman64

cardinals_fan said:


> HOLY S&*T!!!! 3 people looked at it yesterday, 3 bids put in. 2 more looking at it today!! The 3 were over asking price and all the same. Just going through the whole gambit of feelings now. Honestly, I didnt think it would go this fast. I was thinking maybe by the end of the month.


Soon you will be running down the street yelling "FREEEEEEDDDDDDDOOOOOOMMMMMMM" like Braveheart in the movie.

Good for you.


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## jh52

OldWolf57 said:


> Now that is GREAT news. How many are prequalified ???
> Always best to go with the one that don't have to shop for a mortgage.


And also look at those who don't have any other contigencies like selling their house.


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## cardinals_fan

The one who bought it already sold there house. They are closing on these next week. Kinda bitter sweet. This was the house that I thought I would live in forever. Well, things happen for reasons. Not that Im not good with it, its just, well, different. But, time for a new chapter in my life. Next year is a new beginning for me.


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## DavidWYoung

Please update us on what happens in the next three to five months. Thanks.


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## tonyarz

Are you an STL, Arizona, Stanford or Louisville fan? I would hate to assume.


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## cardinals_fan

St. Louis


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