# Not Sure Where To Go From Here...



## abigmess (Oct 25, 2011)

Hello All,

I have been married almost 5yrs now. I recently quit my job to take care of my 5 mo old daughter and finish school. I'm at the crossroads where I feel numb. I realize now that we made a hasty decision in getting married and and complicated things even farther by having a baby. I've realized how I have changed to fit my husband's needs though he does not support me in anything that he does not find an interest in. At my old job I worked for 3 years and still had people come up to me and say "I didn't know you were married". They had never met my husband because he refused to go to social functions though I would do anything for him even helping with the instillation of car parts and playing video games, neither of which I had an interest in. He has a need for things to be his way, anything from how much money should be in the checking account at one time to how to "correctly" fold the towels. He wanted me to be a stay at home mom. I told him that I would do it though I have had a job since I was 15 and it would be difficult depending on someone completely. Now if he comes home and the house isn't up to standards he makes comments like "Since you just sit on your a$$ all day maybe you wouldn't mind...". I think I've accepted him for who he is but he's never done the same for me. What's crazy is that he says that he is "happy" and says that he tells his friends how lucky he is all of the time. Why doesn't he tell me? He say he loves me but I don't feel it anymore. I find it increasingly difficult to say I love you back and a tiny voice in my head calls me a liar. I've been trying to make it work but have been unhappy for a long time and now bordering on resentment. He said that if I left he didn't think he would ever remarry because he couldn't find a better woman. We talked the other day about divorce and he said that if I was unhappy that he wouldn't stop me from leaving. I would think he would act a little upset if he was so "happy" in his marriage. The only definitive emotion I seem to get from him is anger. He told me that if I wanted to leave I could but I could buy my own ticket home (we live in another country right now). I think he likes the idea of marriage but not me as a person. Please help.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Get a job.

Stop living for your husbands happiness and start living for yours.

If your marriage does indeed go south you`ll need to be more independent than you are now.

Get a job, open a bank account, Start working and living for you and your child.

Just the act of independence is going to get your husbands attention.
It might be a way to begin to get him actually listening to you.


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## abigmess (Oct 25, 2011)

I wish it were that simple. We live in Germany and there aren't many jobs to be had at the moment, not for English speaking only persons. Also child care is really expensive here, I'm having to do all of my classes online.We are away from all family and friends. The job that I had before was as a medic in the Air Force. I am using my GI Bill to pay for school, they will pay a housing allowance if I went to face to face classes. There is a new rule saying that I will get a little bit of the housing allowance with full-time classes online but I have yet to receive anything. My mother-in-law said that if I wanted to leave that she would take care of my daughter while I went to school during the day. The only thing with that is I don't want to ruin the relationship with his mother if we do get a divorce. The only other option is to go back to my parents house until I can find a job and get on my feet. My mother said that she would also watch my daughter while I was at school. I am almost to the clinical part of nursing school and wish to finish so I will be able to provide a stable income for my child. If I leave it will more than likely end in divorce.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

First, your daughter needs you. She should be your focus. Can you and your husband get marriage counseling over there? It may help. Stay in your classes, and talk to your husband about improving each others life by making changes you can both benefit from.


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