# Newly married, differences in intimate appetite, what to do?



## Karelise (Sep 8, 2010)

My husband and I have been married almost 2 years. I'm not satisfied with our love life... I'll explain...

I am 5 years younger than he- he's 28, We were married right before I turned 21. We became physical a little before we were married, and it was exciting and romantic. I loved the pace, and I know that this was probably due to the newness of each other. 

Just to make things clear- there is no question on his fidelity, and I wouldn't think of cheating on him. This early I am NOT thinking even remotely of divorce. That is not an option until I am sure that there is nothing more we can do. I haven't sought advice from a professional yet, that's the next step.

He was my first, and I his 8th... I hadn't worried about his past while things were moving, but now that it is almost never happening, I've begun to lose self esteem. The rate now is anywhere from 1 time every 3 months to 2 times a month, never more than that. I worry that I'm not attractive enough, he's tired of me, etc. Even on our wedding night, he was too tired... and our honeymoon, just once. I thought maybe he lost interest because of the commitment of marriage... but the pace hasn't changed since that date. 

I've brought this up in the nicest way I could think of. I've suggested therapy- he shoots it down because "it would be uncomfortable talking to a stranger about personal problems". When I asked if I could do anything to change it- dressing up, role-playing, dancing, new lingerie, etc. He told me that it was him, that he's stressed, tired, feels fat, etc. So, I thought of things that weren't something I could control, since he assured me it's not related to me. I figured things such as, low testosterone, depression, high blood pressure, E.D., diabetes... anything I could think of could be a possibility. When I asked if we could go to the doctor to check some of the items out, he freaked. "Out of the question". He's got a complex about doctors from his childhood, and I was willing to go with him for us because I know it bothers him. 

I don't by any means want it more than 2-4 times a week. I don't necessarily feel unloved though, just unsatisfied with our sex life. He kisses me daily before I go to work and when I get home, hugs daily. Some times when I don't notice him coming behind me, he'll sneak up and pinch my tush, or cuddle with me on the couch when I'm watching a movie. 

I've also noticed a trend in our compromising... Married, or even dating couples for that matter, should do things with their sig other that they don't like. For instance, I will sit and watch wrestling with him (the WWE type), when I find it seriously lame, because I know he likes me there. When I ask to go dancing, he tells me that he doesn't like it, so we don't go. When he wants to do something, I try to be there for him, yet he doesn't want to ever try something that I enjoy if he doesn't like it. 

I've offered new things in bed also. I read articles on diff ways to please your man, new techniques, toys, oils, etc. Not interested. I was also terrified of him giving me oral when we were married, and I've come around, and told him I'm willing to try. I thought I put myself out there, made myself vulnerable. I don't get off from penetration most times, like many women. He told me he didn't like it the previous times he's done it, and I was devastated- a hit to my self esteem, the thought that he has been with others.

I've dragged on quite long enough. I appreciate any insight the community can give me. Thanks in advance!


----------



## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi

sharing from a woman perspective etc.

Judith It sounds to me like he has some emotional issues going in. Men have a hard time admitting what the problem is etc. Is there anyway you can approach him in a writing way or such to find out why he is reluctant to get help. Has he healed from the emotional challenges he has had with the previous relationships. Even when one leaves a relationship regardless of what contributed to it-if it is not grieved over -it can affect the later on one. It sends sounds like to be that he is possibly grieve the loss of what he had. 

Have you ask him if his previous connections and his commitment to you is scary his have freedom-He ... It sounds like something along these lines. 


karelise said: He told me he didn't like it the previous times he's done it, and I was devastated- a hit to my self esteem, the thought that he has been with others.

Judith: He needs to learn your -sexuality from you-yours will still be different from others. HE needs learn what you like. He may not like it with them but he if he wants can like it with you. Your not the same as them. 

Judith


----------



## Karelise (Sep 8, 2010)

Thanks Judith for the help first off. 

About approaching the past- he likes to bottle things up, like many men and women, and I try my best to be sincere and respectful when I do speak of it. Most times though, he doesn't want to talk about it, and when I do hit a nerve, he often will just say "just drop it, please?". I do, but then when I try to bring it up later, he still gets uptight. 

I've tried writing to him. At one point I sent him an e-mail and asked that when he's ready to attempt talking about it let me know. Two weeks went by and nothing, so I asked if he received an e-mail from me, and if he was ready to talk about it. He replied "I thought if I didn't bring it up, you'd forget about it". This hurts me, and I told him so. He just started saying he was such a jack-a** and he didn't deserve me, pity party if you ask me, it almost seemed like this was a way to guilt me into not talking about things because I'd make him feel bad. 

I don't ever want to hurt him, but at the same time, I want him to wish the same thing for me. Communication is a big thing for me, and he's avoiding that.

Any suggestions to open him up maybe? I could try handwriting a note, maybe e-mail is too impersonal... any ideas would be better than none. I'm stuck.


----------



## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi

Your welcome

Men need open ended direct questions? You could hand write that? With men you dont beat around the bush. 

I would write I sentences. I feel this when you do this. Why do you do this when you do this-that type of thing


Do you think that he would talk to me and with you in the conversation. I did this with a friend of mine. I talk to her spouse as well as her privately and together. He was helped by seeing things from a woman perspective. 

He can get a dietary supplement over the counter at a health food store to help him with the wanting to. 

I would have a conversation and ask him waht he wants and likes in sex and tell him taht you would like to try it for while and schedule it -if that is even a remote possibility still. THere is a book called: He is not Into It Anymore That talks about this type of thing. There is another I can't think of at the moment. 

I doubt it has to do with you totally in the sense that what you have tried and is not working is not it. The timing of how often -ask him if there is a reason why the amount of time he does-why that is fine with him?. He may have low libido-and you are the one that wants it more. Several times a week is normal or once a week is normal. Ask him if once a week and he picks the day be a problem for him. You can always get a man started immediately. By touching his penis. etc

What do you think? 

Judith


----------



## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

My wife and I started out with the same issues (as do many couples) and nearly the same frequencies as you are speaking about. Luckily 16 years later she has become much more sexual and our life is much, much more active now. So for one I would say that sexual appetites do change over the years so be aware of that. Things won't always be like they are right now. 

Secondly, I would say that you need to speak your spouse. Be careful of the words you use. "You" phrases and "always" phrases are hurtful, offensive and put your partner on the defensive. Learn to speak in "I" statements and to let your partner know how this issue makes you feel and the struggles and thoughts that you have because of it. 

Now, that said understand this ... that your sex life almost for certain will not ... and actually *should* not be exactly what either of you want it to be. If he is at point A and you are at point C, the sollution is not for one of you to move to where the other one is, but rather to meet at point B. Compromise is some things is very key to a healthy and lasting marriage. Like the country song says, "I start walking your way, you start walking mine ... we meet in the middle ..." 

Just a few thoughts.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

K,
Go to the "experienceproject.com" and then search for the group "I am in a sexless marriage". 

That group, and their posts will give you a good idea of what your future holds. Statistically your odds of having this work out are incredibly small. 

Physiologically he is at a point in life where he should want you somewhere between every day - and worst case 2-3 times a week. But that is ONLY true if he is actually attracted to you. For whatever reason he isn't. He may be a repressed homosexual. Or he may have non gay, preferences, but preferences that are not socially acceptable. 

Go to that site and read. This problem generally slowly destroys the life of the "refused" - which in your marriage is you. 



Karelise said:


> Thanks Judith for the help first off.
> 
> About approaching the past- he likes to bottle things up, like many men and women, and I try my best to be sincere and respectful when I do speak of it. Most times though, he doesn't want to talk about it, and when I do hit a nerve, he often will just say "just drop it, please?". I do, but then when I try to bring it up later, he still gets uptight.
> 
> ...


----------

