# Is it the sex or the lying?



## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Another thread has prompted me to ask this question of betrayed spouses. Is it the sex that your unfaithful spouse had with another or the lying that angers you more? For me it is the lying.

When I suspected my STBX was having an affair he gaslit me…acted offended even. I made decisions I otherwise would not have made if I knew the truth. My agency was stripped. I made decisions based on lies. I’m curious how others feel about this…


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, it was the endless lying and gaslighting.

I felt really stupid during that time.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Openminded said:


> Yes, it was the endless lying and gaslighting.
> 
> I felt really stupid during that time.


Me too! I remember screaming at him that exact thing! “Do you think I am stupid”?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

If my ex-wife came out and told me that she had slept with someone else, I would have considered it an instant divorce, with all the normal anger that goes with that, but that she thought me such a fool to be toyed with while she was having her fun behind my back and whispering sweet nothings in my ear while filled with his DNA made me see red.

I think betrayal is synonymous with lying and to be thought so little of not to merit the truth and agency to plan my life in my best interest is what truly enraged me.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

It's the lying that is unforgivable


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I haven't been in that situation, but I suspect for me it would be the sex, equally with the lying.

Exposing me (biologically) to someone else would be an immediate we're done. But that's me.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Dictum Veritas said:


> If my ex-wife she came out and told me that she had slept with someone else, I would have considered it an instant divorce, with all the normal anger that goes with that, but that she thought me such a fool to be toyed with while she was having her fun behind my back and whispering sweet nothings in my ear while filled with his DNA made me see red.
> 
> I think betrayal is synonymous with lying and to be thought so little of not to merit the truth and agency to plan my life in my best interest is what truly enraged me.


Spot on! To be respected so little is what infuriated me.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Numb26 said:


> It's the lying that is unforgivable


Bold faced lying. Incredulous at even asking him. Unforgivable I agree.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

Both equally.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Trustless Marriage said:


> Both equally.


For me the sex aspect hurt no doubt. The year or more of lying after cut deeper. Did your spouse come clean right away?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I couldn’t get past the sex. The mind movies didn’t go away until I made the decision to leave the marriage. They lying was never going to stop anyway.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> I couldn’t get past the sex. The mind movies didn’t go away until I made the decision to leave the marriage. They lying was never going to stop anyway.


Im glad the mind movies are gone.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> I couldn’t get past the sex. The mind movies didn’t go away until I made the decision to leave the marriage. They lying was never going to stop anyway.


 For me, the lying was so bad that it made the sex a subject that never even got addressed.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> It's the lying that is unforgivable


I don't understand why this is unforgivable? 

Family members lie to me all the time. But maybe that's just my family. 😬

I mean, it definitely changes the dynamics and the level of trust and how much I'm willing to be around them, but I wouldn't say it's unforgiveable.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Numb26 said:


> For me, the lying was so bad that it made the sex a subject that never even got addressed.


I can identify with that. It’s so sad to realize you didn’t even know the person you married.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

minimalME said:


> I don't understand why this is unforgivable?
> 
> Family members lie to me all the time. But maybe that's just my family. 😬
> 
> I mean, it definitely changes the dynamics and the level of trust and how much I'm willing to be around them, but I wouldn't say it's unforgiveable.


For me honor and loyalty are not just words. They can never be regained if lost.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Torninhalf said:


> Me too! I remember screaming at him that exact thing! “Do you think I am stupid”?


And the answer is yes, cheaters do think that — or at least they’re really hoping that’s the case so they can continue on.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I haven't been in this position, but for me it would the sex first and then the lying.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Openminded said:


> And the answer is yes, cheaters do think that — or at least they’re really hoping that’s the case so they can continue on.


That coupled with thinking they will never get caught. That affair fog really is something…


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> I haven't been in this position, but for me it would the sex first and then the lying.


I’m glad you have not experienced it. 😁


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Yes.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

GusPolinski said:


> Yes.


Perfectly acceptable answer. 😂


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> For me honor and loyalty are not just words. They can never be regained if lost.


They have to be earned once. Why can’t they be earned again?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Torninhalf said:


> That coupled with thinking they will never get caught. That affair fog really is something…


Powerful stuff apparently.

I generally have a fairly decent opinion of myself but not during that time. I look back now and shake my head that I bought all of that.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Torninhalf said:


> Perfectly acceptable answer. 😂


That’s the only kind I have. 😉


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Torninhalf said:


> Is it the sex that your unfaithful spouse had with another or the lying that angers you more? For me it is the lying.


Neither. For me it was my ex-wife's betrayal of her promise to sexual fidelity.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Openminded said:


> Powerful stuff apparently.
> 
> I generally have a fairly decent opinion of myself but not during that time. I look back now and shake my head that I bought all of that.


Me too! I still suffer the effects.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Sfort said:


> They have to be earned once. Why can’t they be earned again?


Fool me once shame on me........I am not giving you a second chance. I can forgive but I will never forget and that affects any sort of interaction I have with my EX.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> Fool me once shame on me........I am not giving you a second chance. I can forgive but I will never forget and that affects any sort of interaction I have with my EX.


But it appears that she didn’t want to earn your trust again. True?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Sfort said:


> But it appears that she didn’t want to earn your trust again. True?


She tried. But the damage was already done, was to great and her attempts where to late. 

Even if it had been sooner and sincere I don't think it would have mattered.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Agree Numb, no second chances…ever.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Amazing when I look back on it. My STBX actually told me that she can care less if she ever had sex again (discussing the current state of our sexless marriage), then turned up the heat for an ex bf she hadn’t seen in 15 years. Crazy *****.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> Agree Numb, no second chances…ever.


People don't learn from their mistakes, aren't made to accept responsibility if they are given second chances with the one they wronged. Let them have their second chance in new relationship. Hopefully they can learn from their mistakes.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> Amazing when I look back on it. My STBX actually told me that she can care less if she ever had sex again (discussing the current state of our sexless marriage), then turned up the heat for an ex bf she hadn’t seen in 15 years. Crazy ***.


Let me translate that for you....

Your STBX told you that she can care less if she ever had sex again.....with you.

I speak fluent gaslighting


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Numb26 said:


> Let me translate that for you....
> 
> Your STBX told you that she can care less if she ever had sex again.....with you.
> 
> I speak fluent gaslighting


I speak fluent gaslighting 😂😂😂 I do too!


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> Let me translate that for you....
> 
> Your STBX told you that she can care less if she ever had sex again.....with you.
> 
> I speak fluent gaslighting


It took me three years to find my own balls, but I found them. I’m a recovering doormat.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Sfort said:


> They have to be earned once. Why can’t they be earned again?


No, they were forged once like a fine blade, but once broken, it's best put back in the forge to be mixed with the rest of the slag in order to make pig iron.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

One of my brightest students put it beautifully - trust is like a broken stick. I took that to mean, when you lie you break trust. You can tape it back together, try and glue it back, but it won't ever quite be the same. 

It breaks my heart that people who are in a relationship can't toughen up enough to break it off BEFORE straying. It is such a display of contempt for the person you're with. It has been years since my marriage fell apart and it took me at least 4 years to "get over it" but I won't trust another person again in quite the same way. My red flag detector obviously needed some work before I got together with XBF. It's everything. The sex, the lying about the sex. If they got together with someone else to play canasta and lied about it, I doubt any of us would feel the same as we do now.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

joannacroc said:


> One of my brightest students put it beautifully - trust is like a broken stick. I took that to mean, when you lie you break trust. You can tape it back together, try and glue it back, but it won't ever quite be the same.
> 
> It breaks my heart that people who are in a relationship can't toughen up enough to break it off BEFORE straying. It is such a display of contempt for the person you're with. It has been years since my marriage fell apart and it took me at least 4 years to "get over it" but I won't trust another person again in quite the same way. My red flag detector obviously needed some work before I got together with XBF. It's everything. The sex, the lying about the sex. If they got together with someone else to play canasta and lied about it, I doubt any of us would feel the same as we do now.


I’m at 3 years out and am now realizing how badly damaged I am. It’s something that will be a part of me forever.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> I’m at 3 years out and am now realizing how badly damaged I am. It’s something that will be a part of me forever.


I'm 20 years out from my ex-wife's PA and sorry to say, the scar remains and sometimes it aches in cold-weather, but you get used to it, you get tough and move on. Unfortunately it also becomes a magnifying glass through which you view any other betrayal.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I'm 20 years out from my ex-wife's PA and sorry to say, the scar remains and sometimes it aches in cold-weather, but you get used to it, you get tough and move on. Unfortunately it also becomes a magnifying glass through which you view any other betrayal.


It definitely effects how I look at everything. I see older couples out shopping and now I think I wonder which one has cheated. 😂🤷🏼‍♀️ Sad I know…


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Torninhalf said:


> It definitely effects how I look at everything. I see older couples out shopping and now I think I wonder which one has cheated. 😂🤷🏼‍♀️ Sad I know…


But it's very possible that one of them did. 

It wasn't that long ago this behavior was accepted and ignored. It still is in many countries.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Torninhalf said:


> It definitely effects how I look at everything. I see older couples out shopping and now I think I wonder which one has cheated. 😂🤷🏼‍♀️ Sad I know…


Sad but true


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Numb26 said:


> Sad but true


I use to think awwww how sweet. Married so long. Happy and in love. Not so much anymore…


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Torninhalf said:


> I use to think awwww how sweet. Married so long. Happy and in love. Not so much anymore…


What's worse is that same old couple? Bet one knows and the other doesn't


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Numb26 said:


> What's worse is that same old couple? Bet one knows and the other doesn't


Exactly!


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Dictum Veritas said:


> No, they were forged once like a fine blade, but once broken, it's best put back in the forge to be mixed with the rest of the slag in order to make pig iron.


Sometimes doctors have to break bones to set them and cause them to grow back together correctly. Maybe amputation would be better.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Numb26 said:


> What's worse is that same old couple? Bet one knows and the other doesn't


I understand completely how you feel. I was that, shall we say, jaded for a long time myself. But I have to remind myself, there are good people in this world and it's not impossible for two good, honest people to find one another. I know in this devil may care society we live in now, it's become a rare gem, but if you dig in the right spot, very carefully and push away all the dirt, there is still a chance to find a couple of rare gems.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Sfort said:


> Sometimes doctors have to break bones to set them and cause them to grow back together correctly. Maybe amputation would be better.





Sfort said:


> Sometimes doctors have to break bones to set them and cause them to grow back together correctly. Maybe amputation would be better.


Even if they do grow back they will never be as strong and usually arthritis sets in broken bones


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I was that, shall we say, *jaded* for a long time myself.


GREAT word. It's hard not to be jaded even though it's probably to our benefit to overcome the feeling. Eventually.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Sfort said:


> Sometimes doctors have to break bones to set them and cause them to grow back together correctly. Maybe amputation would be better.


No, this is not a crooked leg, it's already a severed limb, question is if you would allow this diseased severed limb to be re-attached for the chance of regaining minimal mobility at the risk of dying of gangrene or accept the hacked off limb for what it is... Useless and diseased.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> Even if they do grow back they will never be as strong and usually arthritis sets in broken bones


So you're on board for amputation?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I understand completely how you feel. I was that, shall we say, jaded for a long time myself. But I have to remind myself, there are good people in this world and it's not impossible for two good, honest people to find one another. I know in this devil may care society we live in now, it's become a rare gem, but if you dig in the right spot, very carefully and push away all the dirt, there is still a chance to find a couple of rare gems.


Yes, that is true and I know that but I am not interested in digging in the dirt anymore. Haha


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Dictum Veritas said:


> No, this is not a crooked leg, it's already a severed limb, question is if you would allow this diseased severed limb to be re-attached for the chance of regaining minimal mobility at the risk of dying of gangrene or accept the hacked off limb for what it is... Useless and diseased.


In your example, I tend to think that my answer would be no, but I wouldn't bet the farm on it.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Sfort said:


> So you're on board for amputation?


Well, I figuratively "amuptated" my Ex from our lives. Does that count?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Numb26 said:


> Yes, that is true and I know that but I am not interested in digging in the dirt anymore. Haha


Totally understandable. Maybe that will change in future, maybe it will not. The most important thing is for you to find your purpose and stick to it.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Totally understandable. Maybe that will change in future, maybe it will not. The most important thing is for you to find your purpose and stick to it.


It still amazes me how focused and happier I am now.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Numb26 said:


> It still amazes me how focused and happier I am now.


I really am glad for you. Once you understand that happiness sprouts from within and not without, life does take on a different meaning. Now I do make exception for people with damaged serotonin neural-receptors causing clinical depression, they just have to be content that life doesn't completely suck in reality.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> Even if they do grow back they will never be as strong and usually arthritis sets in broken bones


The person with the broken bone will always remember exactly where and when and how it was broken for the rest of their life.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I never had proof of actual sex with my ex and his ex gf, but I had a lot of lying so I wouldn't be surprised.

For me the lying was the worst part. When you have a liar not only is your intelligence insulted, you can never trust that you have the whole story and know what you're forgiving. My ex gaslit and played dumb with the bear of them.

This is part of what makes reconciliation so difficult.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> I never had proof of actual sex with my ex and his ex gf, but I had a lot of lying so I wouldn't be surprised.
> 
> For me the lying was the worst part. When you have a liar not only is your intelligence insulted, you can never trust that you have the whole story and know what you're forgiving. My ex gaslit and played dumb with the bear of them.
> 
> This is part of what makes reconciliation so difficult.


I think it is easier to recover if you accept the fact that you will NEVER have the whole story.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

for me it would be the lying , and only the lying , lying about anything that happened after we got together , 
I know a bit of my wifes past and I don't need to know more as i trust her ,


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

Cheating IS lying. If you cheat in a game of cards you are lying - you don’t announce to the group that you have an extra spade up your sleeve and intend to win unfairly with it.

I’ve been cheated on by a past partner. The devastation that follows is way more complicated than just lying and sex:

1. Humiliation - your partner thought so little of you mentally, physically, and emotionally
2. Betrayal - the sudden realization that your partner is not who they led you to believe they are
3. Fear - worry over potential STDs
4. Disgust - nausea that you were touching your partner after they exchanged bodily fluids with a stranger 
5. Insult - your partner has no respect for you and you’ve had to suddenly realize this as you experience all other emotions at the same time
6. Devastation - any and all future goals and dreams you held in your mind are now crushed because we all know deep down inside that staying with a cheater never works out in the most lovely of ways
7. Anger - your partner stole time from your life and essentially tricked you
8. Insecurity - baseless and hopefully temporary feelings of inadequacy 
9. Shock - not sure where your life is going anymore and feeling like you just got sucker punched
10. Disdain - your partner (whether male or female) is now seen as a dirty ***** who cannot be trusted
11. Confusion - why didn’t they just either ask you to go to counseling or try to work it out, and as a last resort, why not just leave and have a legitimate relationship with another person as opposed to cheating? The answer is always utter and complete selfishness from a person who probably should never be in a relationship in the first place, but confusion is still an initial feeling.

So is it the lying or the sex? Yes and yes… plus so much more.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> Well, I figuratively "amuptated" my Ex from our lives. Does that count?


Well, that's clearly an option!


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

MEA said:


> Cheating IS lying. If you cheat in a game of cards you are lying - you don’t announce to the group that you have an extra spade up your sleeve and intend to win unfairly with it.
> 
> I’ve been cheated on by a past partner. The devastation that follows is way more complicated than just lying and sex:
> 
> ...


Good post!


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

MEA said:


> Cheating IS lying. If you cheat in a game of cards you are lying - you don’t announce to the group that you have an extra spade up your sleeve and intend to win unfairly with it.
> 
> I’ve been cheated on by a past partner. The devastation that follows is way more complicated than just lying and sex:
> 
> ...


I agree with all of this. It’s such a complex issue that you can’t really define it in simple black and white terms.

It was both the lying and the sex. The lying was total betrayal and knowing that I could never trust this person again. All the fake reassurances and deflection she gave me for months. The concerted effort she made to willfully deceive me. The sex with the OM was a total rejection of me at the basest level. Literally choosing someone else to be inside her. It totally tears you down completely. I felt like I must really have no value if even the person I loved could do this to me.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

jjj858 said:


> I agree with all of this. It’s such a complex issue that you can’t really define it in simple black and white terms.
> 
> It was both the lying and the sex. The lying was total betrayal and knowing that I could never trust this person again. All the fake reassurances and deflection she gave me for months. The concerted effort she made to willfully deceive me. The sex with the OM was a total rejection of me at the basest level. Literally choosing someone else to be inside her. It totally tears you down completely. I felt like I must really have no value if even the person I loved could do this to me.


You have value, she doesn't


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> For me the sex aspect hurt no doubt. The year or more of lying after cut deeper. Did your spouse come clean right away?


Mine was a bit different whereas she lied about having sex with someone during our short break and also of all her other romps she lied about before we met but none the less it felt like she cheated. But no - she was caught when she mistaken talked about having sex with one of her boyfriends that she had had previously told me she never had sex with. That's when the whole can of worms was opened. Otherwise, I would have never found out.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Definitely the lying. As you said, I made decisions that I wouldn't have based on lies.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Numb26 said:


> I think it is easier to recover if you accept the fact that you will NEVER have the whole story.


I'm sure you're right about that, but you're still left with the problem of being married to a liar.

Going forward you will never know what they're lying about.

I way willing to live with that.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm sure you're right about that, but you're still left with the problem of being married to a liar.
> 
> Going forward you will never know what they're lying about.


All true, but in reality, you can never be sure that your spouse is not lying to you even if there is no suspicion of infidelity. Everyone is a liar, to some degree.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

jjj858 said:


> I agree with all of this. It’s such a complex issue that you can’t really define it in simple black and white terms.
> 
> It was both the lying and the sex. The lying was total betrayal and knowing that I could never trust this person again. All the fake reassurances and deflection she gave me for months. The concerted effort she made to willfully deceive me. The sex with the OM was a total rejection of me at the basest level. Literally choosing someone else to be inside her. It totally tears you down completely. I felt like I must really have no value if even the person I loved could do this to me.


I told my ex, that the moment she let the other man inside her the first time, we were already divorced, she just didn't have the decency to inform me about it. The lawyers doing their bit was just dissolving the business we registered with the state when we signed the marriage certificate.

That being said, she was such an accomplished liar that I never suspected a thing until she came up with some new moves in the bedroom I had no idea where she picked up. This and only this got me investigating and she lied convincingly till the very end when she was completely snookered. There was no respect left for her. I don't find being an excellent liar a laudable trait at all. How could I ever believe a word out of her mouth again?

Don't get me wrong, there was no way I would have even considered staying after I found out about the sex, but the lies damaged me so much that it took me a good couple of years to believe a word coming out of anyone's mouth. I still have residual trust issues. The sex severed the bond and the marriage for me, but I think the lies and deceit and gaslighting caused the long term self-doubt, feelings of isolation and trust issues.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I told my ex, that the moment she let the other man inside her the first time, we were already divorced, she just didn't have the decency to inform me about it. The lawyers doing their bit was just dissolving the business we registered with the state when we signed the marriage certificate.
> 
> That being said, she was such an accomplished liar that I never suspected a thing until she came up with some new moves in the bedroom I had no idea where she picked up. This and only this got me investigating and she lied convincingly till the very end when she was completely snookered. There was no respect left for her. I don't find being an excellent liar a laudable trait at all. How could I ever believe a word out of her mouth again?
> 
> Don't get me wrong, there was no way I would have even considered staying after I found out about the sex, but the lies damaged me so much that it took me a good couple of years to believe a word coming out of anyone's mouth. I still have residual trust issues. The sex severed the bond and the marriage for me, but I think the lies and deceit and gaslighting caused the long term self-doubt, feelings of isolation and trust issues.


Trust issues are a mountain that I am currently climbing


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Numb26 said:


> Trust issues are a mountain that I am currently climbing


Me too. I don’t even trust myself. 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Numb26 said:


> Trust issues are a mountain that I am currently climbing


I wish you luck, it's not easy to make yourself vulnerable again, especially if you are like me and excel at building protective walls around you, but it can be done, in little steps, incrementally. I will perhaps never be able to trust fully again, but I'll give myself a solid 80% back to where I used to be. Granted it is after 20 years and perhaps I was naïve to have trusted so blindly in my past in any case. Perhaps I have just the right level of trust now, who knows? 

You need to remember your psyche, like your body has natural defense mechanisms and after a trauma such as infidelity, mistrust is a natural defense mechanism against future trauma. Climb that mountain at your leisure, you cannot ripen a fruit by squeezing it.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> Me too. I don’t even trust myself. 🤷🏼‍♀️


Self doubt is also natural after infidelity. I second guessed every decision I made for years. I felt almost OCD about making any judgement call. This too will pass if you focus, you will find your self-confidence return as the majority of your choices start proving to be correct as a NET. Don't beat yourself up over wrong choices in this time either. A distressed mind is bound to make an error or two. As long as you retain the ability to course-correct, you will gain the confidence in yourself again in due time.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Dictum Veritas said:


> That being said, she was such an accomplished liar that I never suspected a thing until she came up with some new moves in the bedroom I had no idea where she picked up.


In all seriousness, what kind of new moves? That would be a REAL problem.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Sfort said:


> In all seriousness, what kind of new moves? That would be a REAL problem.


She said (out of the blue and during normal intercourse) that she liked sex in the spooning position from behind and wanted me to do it that way. This was something we never did in all the years we have been together and something I have never even considered. Remember, these were the days before internet porn. For that reason, anything out of the ordinary like this was a red-flag. It was not the only thing, but the first that came to mind right now.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I wish you luck, it's not easy to make yourself vulnerable again, especially if you are like me and excel at building protective walls around you, but it can be done, in little steps, incrementally. I will perhaps never be able to trust fully again, but I'll give myself a solid 80% back to where I used to be. Granted it is after 20 years and perhaps I was naïve to have trusted so blindly in my past in any case. Perhaps I have just the right level of trust now, who knows?
> 
> You need to remember your psyche, like your body has natural defense mechanisms and after a trauma such as infidelity, mistrust is a natural defense mechanism against future trauma. Climb that mountain at your leisure, you cannot ripen a fruit by squeezing it.


I haven't been allowing myself to be put in situations where I would have to seriously climb that mountain so I am doing OK with it. I have my kids, work and hobbies to fill my time, mind and heart.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Numb26 said:


> I haven't been allowing myself to be put in situations where I would have to seriously climb that mountain so I am doing OK with it. I have my kids, work and hobbies to fill my time, mind and heart.


Walk the path at your own pace, It's a marathon, not a sprint and we all meet the same finish line in the end.

Submitted by mistake to continue:

What is important is that you can walk this path with integrity and with your head held high.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

For me, the lies were worse, I realized I had no idea who I loved because the married I thought I love never existed. 



RebuildingMe said:


> I couldn’t get past the sex. The mind movies didn’t go away until I made the decision to leave the marriage. They lying was never going to stop anyway.


Ha, I laughed at the possibility of him ****ing anyone, it actually amused me for a while thinking about it.
Knowing him, she'd have had to screw him. COme to think of it, I asked him if he was ****ing his bf (a dude).


Sfort said:


> They have to be earned once. Why can’t they be earned again?


That kind of betrayal makes you really look at someone's character. That's a flaw that's almost impossible to fix, most people don't have what it takes to change, much less something so fundamental. 


Torninhalf said:


> I’m at 3 years out and am now realizing how badly damaged I am. It’s something that will be a part of me forever.


Think about it this way, if you hold onto it, the only loser is you, not him. He already showed you he doesn't GAF about anyone but himself.


lifeistooshort said:


> I never had proof of actual sex with my ex and his ex gf, but I had a lot of lying so I wouldn't be surprised.
> 
> For me the lying was the worst part. When you have a liar not only is your intelligence insulted, you can never trust that you have the whole story and know what you're forgiving. My ex gaslit and played dumb with the bear of them.
> 
> This is part of what makes reconciliation so difficult.


Were we married to the same man??? 


Numb26 said:


> I think it is easier to recover if you accept the fact that you will NEVER have the whole story.


I agree. Besides, how would you know if it were? Would you believe it?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Torninhalf said:


> Is it the sex that your unfaithful spouse had with another or the lying that angers you more?


Both. In near equal measures.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

TXTrini said:


> I agree. Besides, how would you know if it were? Would you believe it?


You wouldn't know and I couldn't believe it.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Dictum Veritas said:


> She said (out of the blue and during normal intercourse) that she liked sex in the spooning position from behind and wanted me to do it that way. This was something we never did in all the years we have been together and something I have never even considered. Remember, these were the days before internet porn. For that reason, anything out of the ordinary like this was a red-flag. It was not the only thing, but the first that came to mind right now.


Sadly something similar happened to me. He moved my leg in a way he had never done before. I was suspicious at the time of the affair but that one simple move really got me thinking. I think I even saw it in his eyes as he did it. 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Hey Torn: I know that I've seen this scene in a movie but I can't remember the actress or the movie?? I'm talking about your avatar. I was thinking of cat in a tin roof, but that's Elizabeth taylor, so that's rule out.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> Hey Torn: I know that I've seen this scene in a movie but I can't remember the actress or the movie?? I'm talking about your avatar. I was thinking of cat in a tin roof, but that's Elizabeth taylor, so that's rule out.


Not really sure but I love the quote and I look like her. 😂


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Oh. thanks. i was hoping you knew. No wonder why your neighbor's been after you then.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

My stbx started completely shaving her bush. I knew instantly it was for another man and that other man told her to do it.

PS- for those that never got the truth, my stbx couldn’t even admit to that.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> Oh. thanks. i was hoping you knew. No wonder why your neighbor's been after you then.


😂 Not my sparkling personality? 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> My stbx started completely shaving her bush. I knew instantly it was for another man and that other man told her to do it.
> 
> PS- for those that never got the truth, my stbx couldn’t even admit to that.


Nothing like being blatantly obvious. 😳


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> My stbx started completely shaving her bush. I knew instantly it was for another man and that other man told her to do it.
> 
> PS- for those that never got the truth, my stbx couldn’t even admit to that.


My EX didn't have to admit the truth. Between firsthand accounts and the videos she didn't have a leg to stand on. 
Still didn't make things easier for me


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> Another thread has prompted me to ask this question of betrayed spouses. Is it the sex that your unfaithful spouse had with another or the lying that angers you more? For me it is the lying.
> 
> When I suspected my STBX was having an affair he gaslit me…acted offended even. I made decisions I otherwise would not have made if I knew the truth. My agency was stripped. I made decisions based on lies. I’m curious how others feel about this…


Whether it's the cheating or the lying and gaslighting, it's all super disrespectful and a deal breaker, but the gaslighting adds insult to injury because it shows how stupid they think you are and then of course it shows they take no responsibility.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Numb26 said:


> My EX didn't have to admit the truth. Between firsthand accounts and the videos she didn't have a leg to stand on.
> Still didn't make things easier for me


I’m sorry. I was eventual able to extract pictures and videos. Some things will haunt us forever.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

My first wife cheated on me (that was over thirty years ago). To me it was both the sex and the lying.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

"There's no more romance, she said, no more romance. 
Even the great ones died. Even the best ones bled." 
--- Old lady with a dog and a vibrator.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Sorry, this thread just licks cow balls


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> Sorry, this thread just licks cow balls


Sorry. 😞


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Torninhalf said:


> Sorry. 😞


I’m glad you started it.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

For me it's the lying about the sex, 

It wasn't sexual but wasn't emotional, yet she experienced all consuming passion like I never saw before.

It's also the omitting of the truth, tell me you had 5 orgasms with OM1 but never more than 1 with me.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Both I think. Maybe the lying tops it a little more...even if I could get past the sex I know I could never get past the lying.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

I think it's a little bit of everything. After 6 or so years together, I found out my last ex was cheating on me...a lot. The sex is bad. Feeling like a sucker is bad. Finding out that some of our friends and neighbors knew is bad. Her lies were bad. It's everything. 

Here's a lesson I learned from dating crappy people. Once you get them out of your life, you also need to get them out of your head. Don't let them make you bitter or jaded, or any of that. That's just giving your crappy ex power over your life, something you should never do. Move on and live a good life. Those cheaters will never have that.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Torninhalf said:


> Another thread has prompted me to ask this question of betrayed spouses. Is it the sex that your unfaithful spouse had with another or the lying that angers you more? For me it is the lying.
> 
> When I suspected my STBX was having an affair he gaslit me…acted offended even. I made decisions I otherwise would not have made if I knew the truth. My agency was stripped. I made decisions based on lies. I’m curious how others feel about this…


Both.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Guys, disclaimer: I 've never been cheated on (that I know of), specially once married (X2). Also forgive me if it sounds pretentious of me to say these things without having gone through what you all had gone through, but since my early pre teens days (yes, I was already dating by age 10 (if we can call it dating as such), I did experienced in certain occasions the knowledge that I was being ditch in favor of someone else or that she was not that much into me just like we all have experienced throughout our life once we started to get our hormones being turn on.

But, there's one thing that has been constant within me all this time "sudden death" to my feelings toward that person that crossed me romantically. I know that I'm not a cold harded person, but it always been the same, sudden death of my feelings. As you guys can gather by the tone of most of my post I have not room for compromising my integrity, self worth, self respect, and dignity to even consider for one moment being able to talk, or see again a woman that would cross me with betrayal. I know as well as I know that some day I will not longer be in this world that If my GF, fiancée or wife, whatever, were to just as much send naked pictures of her to another man, it's over immediately, not buts about it. That's why my motto: I don't care about the who, why, when, where, etc, I just care that you did, period. End of the relationship. 

And to answer the OP question, the lying, cheating, sex, it's all one thing. It wouldn't matter to me whichever came first, relationship over. 


Just as importantly, not one of those girls/women that ditched me or were not that into me, and I dumped them after realization, affected me to the point that would make me not want to be in another relationship or distrust all other coming next. I always start with trust but verify, and never going in like it's a Disney romance.

I know for certainty that if right now my wife were to cheat on me that I would dump her ass immediately, and that the next day I feel like having a woman I would go get her with no second thoughts about the cheating partner.

Honestly, 24 hours after my first wife and I agreed on divorce (no cheating) I was in bed with another woman and surely I was not doing it out of hurt. Simply I was being realistic about the end of the relationship. 
I know everyone's different but, no woman's betrayal would make me fall in despair, bitterness, and distrust every other woman in the world. I would always keep looking for some other honey. And yes betrayal would hurt me and make me sad and upset, but it would be without the bitterness. You only live once, mind as well enjoy it as best as possible.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> I 've never been cheated on .... I did experienced in certain occasions the knowledge that I was being ditch in favor of someone else


Yeah, because being _ditched _as a ****ing 10 year old is SO comparable to having your spouse out ****ing someone else 

All the people who are commenting on this with "well, I've never been cheated on but IF it happened to me here's EXACTLY what I'd do/feel" are ****ing idiots.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

bobert said:


> All the people who are commenting on this with "well, I've never been cheated on but IF it happened to me here's EXACTLY what I'd do/feel" are ****ing idiots.
> 
> 
> You of all people in this forum shouldn't be talking of ****ing idiots. Just take a look at yourself in the mirror.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Plus I never said I was ditched at 10. Reading comprehension would help you.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> You of all people in this forum shouldn't be talking of ****ing idiots. Just take a look at yourself in the mirror.


Says the moron who "knows for certain" _exactly _what he would do and _exactly_ how he would feel in a hypothetical situation, based on his experience of being _ditched_.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Enigma32 said:


> I think it's a little bit of everything. After 6 or so years together, I found out my last ex was cheating on me...a lot. The sex is bad. Feeling like a sucker is bad. Finding out that some of our friends and neighbors knew is bad. Her lies were bad. It's everything.
> 
> Here's a lesson I learned from dating crappy people. Once you get them out of your life, you also need to get them out of your head. Don't let them make you bitter or jaded, or any of that. That's just giving your crappy ex power over your life, something you should never do. Move on and live a good life. Those cheaters will never have that.


Yeah, your ex was almost like a bigamist but thank goodness you weren't married to her. She had a whole secret life. I remember thinking what a great guy you were because you were always just so satisfied with your relationship. Then life as you knew it turned upside down.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think the shock was that my husband would so easily lie to _me — _the one person on earth that was always 100% on his side. And it made me question everything about our marriage.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

bobert said:


> Says the moron who "knows for certain" _exactly _what he would do and _exactly_ how he would feel in a hypothetical situation, based on his experience of being _ditched_.


At 68 I'm quite certainly pretty sure what I would do. And no need to call me a moron, because, believe me I do want to tell you what you are as a man, but that would go against the forum rules.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> At 68 I'm quite certainly pretty sure what I would do. And no need to call me a moron, because, believe me I do want to tell you what you are as a man, but that would go against the forum rules.


Hm, and what kind of man do you think that makes you?


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yeah, your ex was almost like a bigamist but thank goodness you weren't married to her. She had a whole secret life. I remember thinking what a great guy you were because you were always just so satisfied with your relationship. Then life as you knew it turned upside down.


I found out later on that there were more than me and another guy. She had yet another....and another. I also have a suspicion that she was using Craigslist to find guys that would give her money. I work a lot so that enabled her to basically do what she wanted while I was at work. 

I was content in my relationship because she really did seem like a nice girl. Anyone that knew her would have said as much. We have some mutual friends so I hear things about her still, and ever since our breakup, her life has been basically in shambles. She's been bouncing around between men pretty openly now and doesn't even bother to hide it anymore. She's had guys openly call her out on social media for everything you can imagine. She's an absolute trainwreck. It's funny because I've known her for years and she never showed any signs of that stuff.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Torninhalf said:


> Another thread has prompted me to ask this question of betrayed spouses. Is it the sex that your unfaithful spouse had with another or the lying that angers you more? For me it is the lying.
> 
> When I suspected my STBX was having an affair he gaslit me…acted offended even. I made decisions I otherwise would not have made if I knew the truth. My agency was stripped. I made decisions based on lies. I’m curious how others feel about this…


Yes.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Openminded said:


> I think the shock was that my husband would so easily lie to _me — _the one person on earth that was always 100% on his side. And it made me question everything about our marriage.


You and I both. That's why he became a stranger so quickly.


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## Thevengfulone (Jun 18, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> Another thread has prompted me to ask this question of betrayed spouses. Is it the sex that your unfaithful spouse had with another or the lying that angers you more? For me it is the lying.
> 
> When I suspected my STBX was having an affair he gaslit me…acted offended even. I made decisions I otherwise would not have made if I knew the truth. My agency was stripped. I made decisions based on lies. I’m curious how others feel about this…


The image of seeing my wife straddling him, and kissing each other. I will never forget that. Then her lying to me telling me I did not see what I had seen. Both the sex and the lying are just as equal to me!


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

It's all of it. The lying, I remember hearing the lies now and been able to identify them now that I know what happened, or at least I know some of what happened. Her getting fixed up, going to the gym, tanning, all of that for him. 

The sex, what's odd for us is this guy was what I thought was my best friend, I was his best man at his wedding, his wife was about to pop with their first child, etc. We had went to a concert about a week prior to the first time they supposedly had sex, and the wife asked me if I would consider a threesome with her and him. I figured it was because she was drinking, which is something she doesn't do. I can also remember when him and his wife would argue, he would leave the house or room and now looking at it my wife was the first one to comfort him. 

He was a drunk, I tried to friend him because no one likes him. He played me and her, told her I was running around, asked me for advice with his wife and used that on my wife. Told her everything I told him to tell his wife. 

Of all that, as odd as this sounds, I think when she told me he made her a screwdriver to drink the morning they first has sex bothers me to this day. One, she never really drink, two, when she did she put on an extra show in the bedroom and lastly, she always told me to stay away from him because he was a drunk.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Did you all ever have to deal with a cheater who lied *so* much that they couldn't even keep their lies straight anymore? 😂

About 12 years ago I was in a 3-year live-in relationship that wasn't really ideal, but we were getting by. I discovered he'd started seeing his hairdresser (lol) and more than anything, it was the lies that were getting to me. I immediately took that as a sign to get out of Crazy Town and I jumped on it. I couldn't move out for another month or so waiting for my newly leased apartment to become available, so we had to co-exist until the morning the moving truck arrived. So it was a month of lies and bull-**** and gas-lighting and nonsense from him as I waited, but the one time I actually laughed out loud at him was the night he 'jumped the shark' with too many lies.

He'd told me on "D-Day" that she was coupled up with some guy she'd been dating for over 2 years, but not living together. A week or two before I was scheduled to move out, he mentioned that she and her boyfriend had broken up. I told him he must feel so flattered that she'd booted her boyfriend clearly because she'd chosen him as her new prize. 😅 About 5 days before my emancipation to my new life, we were just having a random conversation and he mentioned how she and her boyfriend were doing something that weekend, and I looked up at him and said, "I thought you told me Miss Twat-Waffle and her boyfriend had broken up?" He actually looked at me and said, "I never said that! Why would I say that?" and I told him, "I don't know *why* you would say it! I'm merely repeating what _you_ told me last week - that they'd broken up!!!" He kept insisting I was crazy but I was having NONE of that.

I told him it had finally happened - he'd told SO many damned lies that he could no longer keep track of all of them. I actually cracked up and laughed out loud when I realized how utterly feeble he actually was. And during the last days leading up to my departure he kept whining about how I should "change my mind and stay with him and not move out," I told him I'd rather put out a campfire with my face than stay, and I meant it.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Thevengfulone said:


> The image of seeing my wife straddling him, and kissing each other. I will never forget that. Then her lying to me telling me I did not see what I had seen. Both the sex and the lying are just as equal to me!


That would be hard to see. Harder to not hand out an ass whipping to the guy before putting her sh!t immediately on the street.


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## I_Am_Unwritten83 (May 31, 2021)

The lying, for me. It’s difficult to work through that betrayal and deception. The act itself pisses me off, but (right now, at least) the deception is making me angrier.


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## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

For me it’s the cheating. I f****ng hate liars, but the fact that he had sex with another female and would’ve kept doing it had he not got caught, burns me up. The he had the audacity to spin it on me that it was my fault it happened


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Openminded said:


> I think the shock was that my husband would so easily lie to _me — _the one person on earth that was always 100% on his side. And it made me question everything about our marriage.


 it is frighting just how easy and vulnerable even the strongest relationship can be 
how many times have we found that it was a super relationship just up to the day that 
sometimes it is something very small that pulls the rug from under the relationship , 

for me if she went out and met a guy had sex with him and came home and said nothing happened would be a nightmare , 
but I could except her having sex if I know before hand that she was going out and sex could be on the table 
i have an open mind on sex so it is the lies that would hurt me most


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

screwing not your spouse and lying about it - or anything else - is, at the least, disrespectful

which is worse doesn't matter to much to me - the disrespect is enough to trigger action to terminate
a relationship

can't see a relationship to someone to be close if they are disrespectful - isn't being married supposed to be a "close" relationship? (rhetorical q.)


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I don't know. Because I am in the unique situation that I was subjected to my wife's honesty, she told me she would be having an affair and did so.

But I think it would be 50/50 sex and lies, if it had been different for me.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

staceymj86 said:


> For me it’s the cheating. I f****ng hate liars, but the fact that he had sex with another female and would’ve kept doing it had he not got caught, burns me up. The he had the audacity to spin it on me that it was my fault it happened


It's always "I was about to stop" or "I was looking for a way out". This is what my wife did, she was screwing my best friend. I had suspension, but one night she was going to the gym and he was at our house, she always hugged him before she left but that night it was something about the way she put her hand on his face. Then he went crazy about having to leave, he said his pregnant wife needed something. But you know, he had to go meet up with my wife. 

And after it all happened, it was "I didn't think you loved me anymore" and then it was also, " I was jealous of you and your friends relationship". 

But she lied so much he Ben called her out on it in front of me, while they were screwing around but at that time I didn't know.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Did you all ever have to deal with a cheater who lied *so* much that they couldn't even keep their lies straight anymore? 😂
> 
> About 12 years ago I was in a 3-year live-in relationship that wasn't really ideal, but we were getting by. I discovered he'd started seeing his hairdresser (lol) and more than anything, it was the lies that were getting to me. I immediately took that as a sign to get out of Crazy Town and I jumped on it. I couldn't move out for another month or so waiting for my newly leased apartment to become available, so we had to co-exist until the morning the moving truck arrived. So it was a month of lies and bull-**** and gas-lighting and nonsense from him as I waited, but the one time I actually laughed out loud at him was the night he 'jumped the shark' with too many lies.
> 
> ...


That's hilarious! And you know you're done when the lies are making you laugh...in some ways I found the insult to my intelligence was even worse then actually lying. Geez...if you're going to lie give me a little more credit and tell me a well thought out lie.

My idiot ex had a habit of insulting my intelligence too. **** him and his ****ty toupee 🤣🤣🤣


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> That's hilarious! And you know you're done when the lies are making you laugh...in some ways I found the insult to my intelligence was even worse then actually lying. Geez...if you're going to lie give me a little more credit and tell me a well thought out lie.
> 
> My idiot ex had a habit of insulting my intelligence too. **** him and his ****ty toupee 🤣🤣🤣


My husband told me on DDay that he and the COW were involved in an embezzlement scheme in their company (not possible in their roles). I just stared at him and said “uh huh” until he abandoned that storyline. My dumb ass actually believed his later story about it being only an EA because it seemed so truthful after his Office Space script. I was so dumb.


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## /ˌlaNG ˈzīn/ (Sep 5, 2021)

Definitely the lying, first. Once you break trust in your relationship it will never, ever be the same again. You will question who they are, what your relationship is; you will struggle with trying to figure out what is/was real and what is/was not and you'll find yourself questioning so many things you once never thought you'd have or need to question. In this particular situation, there's nothing worse than feeling like you've married a stranger.


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> Amazing when I look back on it. My STBX actually told me that she can care less if she ever had sex again (discussing the current state of our sexless marriage), then turned up the heat for an ex bf she hadn’t seen in 15 years. Crazy ***.


Not sure of the details of your story, but this is identical to my stbx...seems to be a common theme.

Now, just to look at it from the opposing view. What the **** are us men doing wrong that this is such a common theme?


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> Amazing when I look back on it. My STBX actually told me that she can care less if she ever had sex again (discussing the current state of our sexless marriage), then turned up the heat for an ex bf she hadn’t seen in 15 years. Crazy ***.


Mine too, but I misunderstood her declaration,
When she said, "I won't have sex again", she was really saying, "I won't have sex WITH YOU again".
I think we try and read the best possible reasons into their "no sex" declarations.


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## Tom HATES Kerrie & Larry! (Sep 6, 2021)

I just found out 6 days ago. For me the sex disgusts me to the point I physically feel sick. The lying just puts me into a rage. She's told me that it was just coffee and hanging out, but I overheard her calling her mother and telling her that "He still think it's just talking, that I didn't know she really cheated". Now she's spending the holiday weekend with him while I'm at home explaining to a 10 year old why we couldn't go to the beach with mom. I've lost 14 pounds in 6 days, and feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack 24/7. She doesn't know how much I know about what's going on and the lying makes me hate her, and myself for loving her. I would have stayed with her for the kids if it were just coffee and hanging out, but I won't babysit the kids while she's lying about where she is and what she's doing. Sorry for the rant but I'm an emotional train wreck right now, our 21st anniversary is one month away.


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

Geez man. Very sorry to hear this. I'm with you on all those emotions. You'll hate yourself for still wanting a person that is doing that to you. I lost 10lb in a month. Anxiety, couldn't sleep. I'd have nightmares and still do that i see them sleeping together. You have a long road ahead of you. Wish i could tell you it was easy.

Google the 180 and start asap to help yourself.


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## Tom HATES Kerrie & Larry! (Sep 6, 2021)

johndoe12299 said:


> Geez man. Very sorry to hear this. I'm with you on all those emotions. You'll hate yourself for still wanting a person that is doing that to you. I lost 10lb in a month. Anxiety, couldn't sleep. I'd have nightmares and still do that i see them sleeping together. You have a long road ahead of you. Wish i could tell you it was easy.
> 
> Google the 180 and start asap to help yourself.


Thanks, I appreciate the advice.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Tom HATES Kerrie & Larry! said:


> I just found out 6 days ago. For me the sex disgusts me to the point I physically feel sick. The lying just puts me into a rage. She's told me that it was just coffee and hanging out, but I overheard her calling her mother and telling her that "He still think it's just talking, that I didn't know she really cheated". Now she's spending the holiday weekend with him while I'm at home explaining to a 10 year old why we couldn't go to the beach with mom. I've lost 14 pounds in 6 days, and feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack 24/7. She doesn't know how much I know about what's going on and the lying makes me hate her, and myself for loving her. I would have stayed with her for the kids if it were just coffee and hanging out, but I won't babysit the kids while she's lying about where she is and what she's doing. Sorry for the rant but I'm an emotional train wreck right now, our 21st anniversary is one month away.


Why don’t you start a thread and ask for support? You seem like you could use it.


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## Tom HATES Kerrie & Larry! (Sep 6, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Why don’t you start a thread and ask for support? You seem like you could use it.


I probably need to, but right now I'm too busy preparing for the lawyers. I overheard her telling her mother that she's meeting with her people next Wednesday, so I'm getting in with mine on Monday. She's gonna drop $10,000 on hers, so she preparing for something to go down.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why don't you take the kids and surprise your wife? Or, drop them off at her mother's.


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## Tom HATES Kerrie & Larry! (Sep 6, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Why don't you take the kids and surprise your wife? Or, drop them off at her mother's.


My 10 year old wanted to just show up at her mom's, but I just couldn't do that to my kids. A part of me wanted to drop him off at the guys place, but I don't want to **** my kid up.


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## Tom HATES Kerrie & Larry! (Sep 6, 2021)

I have given her every opportunity to stay, but she just wants out at this point. She has been stringing me along all week with telling me she hasn't made up her mind and she's confused, but then gets on the phone with her mom and their planning out how to keep me believing there's a chance while she waits on the lawyers. I even overheard her talking about how the guy can't wait to spend time with the kids and introduce them to new sports (he's a rugby player, at age 44). They are planning on where to move so that he won't have to far to drive to his games. He even has his teammates ready to load up the moving van. I played college baseball and they are the best friends I've ever had and I wouldn't help a single one of them move a married woman with kids out of her house. He's going to sell his house to help her with bills and take her animals if she can't have them wherever she ends up. The whole thing is like a lifetime movie. He's an eyelash away from getting lead poisoning and he's talking about moving my kid away and raising him??? I'm from West Virginia and my family is exactly like the one in the movie "Next of Kin", I'm pretty sure they'd love to meet the rugby player.


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

wow. sickening. this is awful


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## Tom HATES Kerrie & Larry! (Sep 6, 2021)

I'm heading to see my lawyer at 3 today, she sees hers on either Wednesday or Friday. I plan on getting filed before she does, in Maryland there's not a waiting period for adultery otherwise we'd have to be separated for a year here before the divorce would be finalized.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Tom HATES Kerrie & Larry! I think you should start your own thread so you'll get the help and advice you need and deserve. Either in Coping With Infidelity or Considering Divorce.


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