# At a loss



## TachiDono (Feb 16, 2011)

Okay well me and my hubby are 6 years apart age wise, we got together when I was 19 (him 25). We dated for about 6 months before my birth control failed and so we got married. 5 years now and another child later I don't know what to do with him anymore.

I am currently not working, but even when I am we cannot afford daycare and his mother is unable to help much since her back is in horrible condition. My mother passed when I was a teen and we have no other family to fall back on for help in this area. So to get to why I mentioned this, as of the past 6-8months I've noticed how when something is wrong it's my fault for not having a job, or when I complain that I just want one night out a week like he has I get a no. Once again due to the fact that it is his money, and I am not working. Mind you I take care of the kids 90% of the time even on his days off, I get up with them every night if they wake up and I also never sleep in. 

I just don't know what to do since just about anything I try to talk to him about it somehow becomes my fault. We do have other problems but these are the main ones. Another is his embarrassment about my hobbies (I enjoy Anime and other such things and wish to visit Japan one day). He will actually tell me to not even mention it when around his friends, and if someone other then me brings it up to drop it. I say one thing about something he loves and I'm the a-hole though. 

To just sum it up a lot of our problems seem to stem from his need to feel in power, and nothing I do or say seems to get him to change that...well for more then a week at a time. This just keeps getting worse to the point of I can't even tell you the last time I went anywhere minus him or both kids! I even try to talk to his mom and she just laughs and tells me how his father was the same way and to more or less deal! I'm trying to work on this and even have a therapist now but nothing is working...should we separate? I just worry about the kids, I think they are 95% why I'm still with him.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Hi Tachi,

In my opinion, if you haven't tried counseling or something other than just complaining verbally, then you haven't made enough efforts yet to call it quits and separate. Only after you exhaust all your options, should that card be played.

Have you thought about writing a letter that details how you feel right now without being inflammatory. Everyone's different, but I've found that writing down something really helps me be very thorough with my thoughts. Sidebar (lol, I've watched too much law TV programs) - don't you hate it when you go to the doctor and you leave dissatisfied that the doctor didn't get the full picture of your symptoms because you forgot to say something? Well, that's how arguments with my wife are. I never get to anything beyond my first point because she gets emotional and argumentative right away.

So maybe a letter won't matter, but here's what I did. I gave her the letter and re-assured her it wasn't anything real bad like "I'm having an affair" / "I want a divorce", etc. And I asked her to read the whole thing before responding. It didn't really work out quite as well as I planned (she still just denied and cried), but at least she got the full picture from me and knew what I was feeling. I think it helped a little.

In the letter, you should stress that your family is a team and though your roles differ and his involves making the money, they're both important. I've watched my kids for a weekend before while my wife was out of town - I know it's hard work, especially since mine are 6 and 3. And even though he's making the money, that money is the family's to be shared. It's not his or yours or the kids, it's the family's.

You might also suggest a detailed family budget. I think a benefit of budgets is that you can spend money guilt-free as long as your within the budgeted amount for that item. And one category would be entertainment. My wife and I aren't great at sticking to this, but it's just a suggestion. Mint.com is supposedly a good one because it automatically pulls in your credit card detail. You just have to assign each item to one of your budget buckets.

Regarding the night out, that bothers me alot that he's treating you like a child. He doesn't get to say "no" to you in my opinion. What right does he have to say "no" to you. Everything should be balanced and fair for both of you. I bet you'd get his attention if you said no to sex. You shouldn't even have to ask "can I go out one night for a while?". my wife and I just tell each other something like "hey, i'm going out friday with my friend, unless we already have something planned." it's sort of being curteous without treating your spouse like they're your parent. Our kids have a lengthy bathing/bedtime routine, so we usually try to do this together before one of us goes out, and we don't stay out all night or anything.

By the way, most couples wait until its too late to go to marriage counseling. So if you think your problems aren't that big that counseling is needed, that's probably a good sign that you would actually benefit from it. The couples that wait until ultimatum stage "counseling or else divorce"; it's too late. One partner has a foot out of the marriage and the disconnect is too great.

Sorry for being longwinded this morning.


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