# Revenge affair - need advice ASAP!!!



## JB0319 (Aug 25, 2012)

Brief back story. Wife of nine years had affair. It only lasted about a month and they were only intimate twice. I chose to stay and work it out. Things have been improving, she is truly sorry and regrets what she did. 

That being said, I already get the 2 wrongs argument, lowering myself, all that. But even understanding and accepting that, I still feel a desire to do something for me. 

I'm really trying to move on and get our marriage back on track and I think it's working. It was a wake up call for both of us for sure. 

The problem that is lingering is I know she still thinks what happened was hot. The other problem is as much as it kills me, I'm sure it was! At first I wanted to hurt her the way she hurt me, have an affair and send her the pictures. But I quickly got past that. Now I feel more jealous that she got to experience this forbidden thing and I haven't. I've had many opportunities but never acted because of my view of what our marriage was. That has changed now and if we can survive her infidelity, why shouldn't I get to experience the excitement she felt? 

I have no desire to have her find out, but I really want to just get this out of my system. I still get angry and hurt every day and I ask myself, if I've forgiven her why can't I stop thinking about what happened, what is keeping this alive. I know it's this jealousy of not having the experience.

I need some honest feedback on this. Has anyone done this and come out better? I truly feel like I need this to really move on. 

I have been talking with a woman for a few weeks that I would like this to be with. Last night we met for drinks, I told her what my intentions were. We're both really attracted to each other and we talked in complete honesty of a brief fling and nothing more. It was a mature conversation between two adults. She said she'd be into it and I want to do it. 

I want to save my marriage and me obsessing over this causes issues. I can honestly say that now that this could happen I've stopped obsessing over her infidelity. I've convinced myself this will work despite my instinct telling me it's a slippery slope. 

I've already gone to the next step in this and kissed my potential ow last night. We made plans to meet Monday afternoon to follow through on everything else. That's why I need feedback soon. 

I need to know if I'm just insane for thinking this could work. I'm hyper aware of what I can deal with, I've looked at every angle. I've done all I could to lay the ground work so things won't drag on or get out of control. I honestly feel I'd be doing this to help us move on. 

Okay.. Again I know it's nuts. I've read every typical response to this, I need to hear some new thoughts. 

Thanks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

You won't get new thoughts. If you want to work on fixing your marriage, do not... I repeat *DO NOT* have a revenge affair! You will only make things worse. There are people on this board who did just that and it didn't help AT ALL!


----------



## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

I think weve all wanted to do it. And you DO want her, your wife, to know. Because you want her to feel the pain you felt and are still feeling. This is a fact. 

You really want to save your marriage or hurt your wife and yourself and end up in divorce court? 

If you want to save your marriage, confess all your feelings and the kiss to your wife, call off your Monday plans and get into individual and marital counseling NOW. 

If you want to end up divorced and feeling like a pig, lose all self respect and dignity just to hurt your wife, then by all means, go bang this chick on Monday. She sure sounds like a winner to me. Willing to get with a married man. Your makin some really good choices here man. Really good.

As i see it, those are your two choices for here and now. 

Others will be by to answer as well, thats just my 2 cents. I dont use a lot of pretty words, just blunt and to the point.


----------



## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

You said that you want your marriage to work. You say it has survived her infidelity.

How do you know it will survive yours? As you have found out most marital cheating is uncovered one way or another. By the way you have already been unfaithful with your thoughts and your kiss.

If you dare, tell your wife and see what her reaction is. If you can't or are ashamed of what it might be you'll know you shouldn't keep your appointment on Monday. It's logical to be angry, hurt and want to punish. However, if you still love someone you will find that doing so will leave a bitter taste.

Let her know of your anger. Tell her and make her sure of the consequences of a further or new act of faithlessness on her part. If she truly is still in love with you she will see, and you will be able to judge, how the consequences or her act have hit home. You said she regrets what she did. That's not enough. Only demonstable and heartfelt remorse will be what it will take to remove your anger.

When your anger goes, your need for a revenge affair will go.


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

I did it. It's not worth it. Take the advice or leave it.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Also, how long ago was her affair?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

When I was growing up my friends and I agreed never to do drugs because it wasn't cool. Unfortunately, as we got older a few of them decided to give it a 'try' and became hooked. Me, I never did drugs for the very fact that I was afraid that I might like it.

If you have a revenge affair, you might not be able to stop at one time. You might discover that you like the forbidden fruit more than you love your marriage. This is a path you do not want to tread because nothing good will come of it. Sure, it might feel great while you're doing it -- but you'll probably end up hating yourself and destroying your marriage.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

OW can(most likely ) will be a nut case


----------



## JB0319 (Aug 25, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Also, how long ago was her affair?


The affair ended in May.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Revenge affair is wrong, but I understand where you're coming from. You have to decide what you want more: to save the marriage or to match the score?


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

JB0319 said:


> The affair ended in May.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, it ended in May. You are going to be going through the roller coaster of emotions for awhile. It's only been 3 months. No way you are "over it" yet. It can take 2-5 years before you are "over it", and even that isn't a guarantee. But for sure, as others (as well as myself) have pointed out: revenge affair is NOT the answer. It will only make things worse. And if you want to repair the marriage, this won't do it. What steps have you taken toward reconciliation/repair/recovery?


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Can you give us some more info about the affair?

*I know she still thinks what happened was hot. The other problem is as much as it kills me, I'm sure it was!
* _crap that stings even for me to read.
_

Her in lies your problem. Problem is that your wife is not even remotley
Closely to what i would define remorse.. She is still fantasiing about it.

This im almost sure why you have does feelings now.
About wanting to get even..It bugs you,but it would bug us all.


Does she voice it? Or do you just get hunch at times?. Any diffrent in naked time perhaps?


Have this ben brought up?


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

If you are on here asking the question, you already know the answer. Don't do it, you will not be able to undo it, ever. Go see a counsellor to get help to get through this period. I wanted to do it for a couple of months before that urge went away. I am incredibly relieved I stayed true to myself, I can't imagine looking into the mirror if I'd gone ahead and betrayed myself as badly as my wife did.


----------



## JB0319 (Aug 25, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Ok, it ended in May. You are going to be going through the roller coaster of emotions for awhile. It's only been 3 months. No way you are "over it" yet. It can take 2-5 years before you are "over it", and even that isn't a guarantee. But for sure, as others (as well as myself) have pointed out: revenge affair is NOT the answer. It will only make things worse. And if you want to repair the marriage, this won't do it. What steps have you taken toward reconciliation/repair/recovery?



OK.. Going to play devil's advocate (possibly literally), everyone says it makes things worse, what exactly are outcomes, and aren't there exceptions to every rule? 

We have gone to couples counseling, which helped through the first few weeks which were really rough. We've read all the books, done the exercises. We've re committed to each other. Stressed we both want this to work, she has shown remorse and to address another comment about her thinking it's hot, that's me assuming, not her saying. 

I know this is still new and that it's going to take time, but I feel like I've moved past a lot of this. Right now and this is terrible I know, I want to have this affair for me. I've always been faithful till last night's kiss, but I've definitely thought about other women, I've fantasized about it, I didn't do it because my wife and I vowed not to. That vow was broken by her and we both want to renew that vow to each other but why should she get the pass. Why should I suppress my desires if she couldn't. I know it could lead down a dangerous path but I have confidence that I would get it out of my system and that would be that. And then I wouldn't harbor jealousy and resentment over it anymore. 

Honestly, since I've started down this path I've felt better. I'm not dwelling on what she did. And it's not because I've occupied my time thinking about this. I feel a normalcy returning to my life and thoughts. That is what makes me think this could be what I need. As crazy and illogical as it is, isn't there a possibility that this is just how I process things. 

When the affair came to an end my wife needed to meet the guy face to face to end it. I was totally against it. It made no sense to me. I went with her because the trust level was still low. I hung out across the street from the diner so I knew nothing was going on but far away enough that I couldn't see his face. Like I said I thought that was bad, no reason to be face to face and drum up emotions, you already said it was over in an email there's no reason to do this. But she said it had to do it this way, for her. In the end it was the best choice, she was able to see him for who he really was and not the illusion she had created in her head. She ended it and that's what it took for her to break down, show real remorse, ask for forgiveness and vow herself to me. 

So... I didn't think what she wanted was a good idea and it ended up being the turning point for that part of the healing. 

Maybe as stupid as this sounds, could be the thing that helps me set aside the rest of my crap and move on. 

So again, what are the outcomes everyone is so sure could happen?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jay80_98 (Jul 14, 2012)

I think its okay to test the waters gives you a sense if the marriage is worth commiting to and evens up the playing field, in the end we are all for ourselves and for the reasons u explain, i say why not? i've done it and i've seen posters here of others who have and how it brings back our sense of masculinity and confidence that u lost affairs are emasculating, while it may hurt the marriage its already damaged and will take a lot to rebuild, at the same time you learn one thing from this experience, ONLY YOU YOURSELF are responsible for your mental and physical well being so do what you feel is necessary at this point to bring you back to a state of self confidence, self sufficiency and self reliance.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For what its worth I've been on her long enough to tell many memeber that did the revenge affair regret it, Not only do they *still* feel like crap cuz there chick screwed around but now they have the guilt to go with it.

Betrayed all have those kinds of feeling about getting some, hell my wife even offered to take me to sex club to get some, but it really doesn't solve the pain of getting decieved.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

jay80_98 said:


> i've seen posters here of others who have .


You have only been here since July with 11 post......COME ON REALLY?


----------



## jay80_98 (Jul 14, 2012)

And no your not crazy or illogical society paints our experiences with broad brushes but you live with this thought the rest of your life in you so i say you have the opp go for it regardless


----------



## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Go to a strip club and have a wild time. Running out and having sex with somebody else is not going to make anything better.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I'm sure people have revenge affairs all of the time.

But honorable people with good morals don't have ANY affairs.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> Go to a strip club and have a wild time. Running out and having sex with somebody else is not going to make anything better.


It will make one things better, it just wont take the pain of being decieved by the one person that should of had your back.


----------



## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

the guy said:


> It will make one things better, it just wont take the pain of being decieved by the one person that should of had your back.


Sure, but it adds problems because then you become that same person. Trying to then rationalize it as well.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jay80_98 said:


> I think its okay to test the waters gives you a sense if the marriage is worth commiting to and evens up the playing field, in the end we are all for ourselves and for the reasons u explain, i say why not? i've done it and* i've seen posters here of others who have and how it brings back our sense of masculinity and confidence that u lost* affairs are emasculating, while it may hurt the marriage its already damaged and will take a lot to rebuild, at the same time you learn one thing from this experience, ONLY YOU YOURSELF are responsible for your mental and physical well being so do what you feel is necessary at this point to bring you back to a state of self confidence, self sufficiency and self reliance.


Show us the links. EVERY poster I have seen who has had a revenge affair has said it made things worse. EVERY single one of them. 

JB (now that's ironic. ),
Have you told your wife about that kiss? I bet if you told her what you have already done, and how you want to even the score, that's gonna hurt just as much as if you actually go through with it. My husband had his EA after mine. I was still in the fog (which is what's going on with your wife if she is still having these ideas that it was so hot/great with the OM) when his began. I found out AFTER my fog lifted... which was, surprise surprise, about 4 months (give or take a couple weeks) after my EA ended. Why did he do it? Because he thought I wouldn't care. He tried to hide the extent of the texts but I saw the number, and some of the actual ones. And it nearly destroyed me. I was checking up on HIM nearly everyday for two months, even knowing the OW had been blocked on Facebook, and that she had been removed from his contacts. I can promise you that, no matter how much you "don't want her to find out", she most likely will. SOMEONE will see you. SOMEONE will alert her.

Revenge affairs don't level the playing field. All they do is foster more mistrust...on BOTH sides. But, hey, you have already decided that you want to cheat on your wife too.... you have been told what is likely to happen if you do. Ultimately, it is up to you what you choose... I just hope you choose the right path. Don't cheat on your wife. It will only make you JUST AS BAD as her!


----------



## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

The bottom line is that if this is you thought process you might want to consider just ending the marriage.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

*reluctant to give genuine advice to anyone called JB*


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Complexity said:


> *reluctant to give genuine advice to anyone called JB*


It's ok, we got you covered.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I don't even understand why you're here. 

You know a revenge affair is morally wrong and is not going to address or "fix" any of the issues in your marriage. 

You know no one here it going to say "Sure go ahead and do it! That sounds like a wise idea"... because it's not a wise idea and is going to hurt you, hurt your wife, and hurt your marriage

You know having a revenge affair is going to add MORE problems to the problems you already have. 

BUT you've already made up your mind to do it no matter what we say, and you've already met another woman (so really you're already unfaithful), and you've already justified it in your head, and you've already set up the plans to do this. From what I can see you're looking for approval for your affair, and you aren't going to get that here. Either do the right thing or don't bother asking here for "permission" to do what you know is wrong.

*I say again, I don't understand why you're here. *


----------



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Honestly man, I just think you want to screw this broad and you are using your wifes indescretion as an excuse. Fine, have sex. Than your wife will be a cheater and so will you. Congrats.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Look at it this way.... you can be a man and cut all contact with this OW... go to counseling... work on your marriage... ect.... or....

You can be a boy and throw your little tantrum (going through with a revenge affair) to essentially even the score.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife had an affair. It crushed my heart.

We reconciled, but due to the fact that I had problems with my self-image and so-forth, I began self-medicating with alcohol.

I developed an EA with another woman (we had a mutual interest in a hobby and were both Star Trek fans) and it developed into a PA, which I stopped almost at the point of no return.

*The pain that my wife's affair caused me was nothing compared to the pain my own stupid revenge affair caused to me. It hurt me far, far worse. Do not go there. It's not worth it. Trust me. I know from bitter personal experience.*


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

OK, Look, everybody has trotted out the appropriate cliche's, made the proper moral comments, and given the OP some good advice. What has been lost , is that he asks a very good and pertinent question. Why shouldn't the BS have an opportunity to "test the waters"? I mean, the WS had her cake, why shouldn't the BS get a slice? Don't be devious about it, come right out and tell her that you want to see if you really want to R, and that you won't know until you have tried the single route at least one time. Separate for a few weeks, get laid, and then decide what you want. This would be an honest way to do it. If she says no, then ask her if the marriage was so important to her then why did she cheat? Why does the BS always have the honus put on him/her, to "do the right thing"? Maybe this would be a good way for the BS to redeem their self-esteem? IDK, but it's a valid question, for sure.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Maybe instead of D or R, after infidelity. there should be a "time out ", period, where both the BS and WS can do as they please, to see if R is really what they want.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Maybe instead of D or R, after infidelity. there should be a "time out ", period, where both the BS and WS can do as they please, to see if R is really what they want.


Lol you're funny.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Well I certainly wouldn't recommend a revenge affair.

If you feel you want to be with someone else, divorce her and THEN find somebody else. End of.
The trouble with the eye for an eye attitude is that you get an awful lot of eyeless people.

One of the problems with advising is that you have written a lot of words, but with very little 'meat' to them. Other than you would like to have sex with this girl.
Is it possible to have more info about the affair since D day?
For instance, you say that you think she found it hot and you suspect it was.

Have you asked her?

It almost sounds as though you are not dealing with this correctly and are rug sweeping which is probably fueling your frustration.


----------



## GotMeWonderingNow (May 31, 2012)

I found this thread pretty interesting. There are two obvious roads here; the high road and the low road. Playing devil's advocate I can definitely understand the thinking behind the low road. Do I agree with it? No I don't, but I can understand it.

That all said, the moment the OP does the revenge kill, he loses any/all leverage over his wife. If she is genuine about R (and he is too) then I think revenge is the last thing that should happen. My wife was only an EA, but I feel I have leverage there now if I need it. As stupid as it sounds I don't want to give that up for the time being.


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

GotMeWonderingNow said:


> I found this thread pretty interesting. There are two obvious roads here; the high road and the low road. Playing devil's advocate I can definitely understand the thinking behind the low road. Do I agree with it? No I don't, but I can understand it.
> 
> That all said, the moment the OP does the revenge kill, he loses any/all leverage over his wife. If she is genuine about R (and he is too) then I think revenge is the last thing that should happen. My wife was only an EA, but I feel I have leverage there now if I need it. As stupid as it sounds I don't want to give that up for the time being.


 I agree with this, at least as far as the leverage part. That can be a huge help for a long time in the marriage. You give up the right to say anything and you open yourself up for either one of you doing it again because the fall out didn't last.

But I also see the need for JB to feel that way, he says she thinks it was HOT. That bothers me and I might want to even it up just to cool her memory jets , so to speak.

I don't know if there is genuine remorse if they remember it as hot. Its still in there rattling around her memory as a semi good thing.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Badblood said:


> OK, Look, everybody has trotted out the appropriate cliche's, made the proper moral comments, and given the OP some good advice. What has been lost , is that he asks a very good and pertinent question. Why shouldn't the BS have an opportunity to "test the waters"? I mean, the WS had her cake, why shouldn't the BS get a slice? Don't be devious about it, come right out and tell her that you want to see if you really want to R, and that you won't know until you have tried the single route at least one time. Separate for a few weeks, get laid, and then decide what you want. This would be an honest way to do it. If she says no, then ask her if the marriage was so important to her then why did she cheat? Why does the BS always have the honus put on him/her, to "do the right thing"? Maybe this would be a good way for the BS to redeem their self-esteem? IDK, but it's a valid question, for sure.


Someone I knew had the car radio stolen from his car. So what he did was he broke into someone else's car and stole their car radio to replace his.

That's the equivalent of having a revenge affair.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Go have the affair.

Have lots o' sex, lot's o' fun. :smthumbup:

Come back in 3 months, or 6 and let us know how the divorce is going.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Malaise said:


> Go have the affair.
> 
> Have lots o' sex, lot's o' fun. :smthumbup:
> 
> Come back in 3 months, or 6 and let us know how the divorce is going.


Hey, yeah! What a cool idea! Then you can come back and tell us how your visits to the STD clinic are going! Oh, your affair partner left you HIV Positive? Well, that's just too bad!


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Matt that was intended as pure sarcasm

My apologies to all if it was misinterperted


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Malaise said:


> Matt that was intended as pure sarcasm
> 
> My apologies to all if it was misinterperted


For sarcasm you need

The problem with the OP is that he is so damaged that the sarcasm might not register.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

dogman said:


> But I also see the need for JB to feel that way, he says she thinks it was HOT. That bothers me and I might want to even it up just to cool her memory jets , so to speak.
> 
> I don't know if there is genuine remorse if they remember it as hot. Its still in there rattling around her memory as a semi good thing.


I might be wrong but if you reread the post I think he is saying that he thinks she thought it was hot.

Hence my question as to whether he has asked her. If they are not addressing these sorts of questions openly then they don't have much chance imho.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> For sarcasm you need
> 
> The problem with the OP is that he is so damaged that the sarcasm might not register.


Matt, are we good?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Malaise said:


> Matt, are we good?


Oh, yeah! :smthumbup:


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

JB

You are so not over your wife's A it is quite sad.

Everyone has interesting viewpoints on the RA.

Here is my .02 cents on the issue.

Why not give your wife the two things she never gave you.

*Truth*: The fact that you are not over what she did to you and your marriage. Tell her what you did with the OW the other night and what you have planned for Monday night.

Go ahead. Be a man. Tell her the truth.

Watch her face for the reaction. I dare you.

*Respect:* She screwed you over not once but twice. She had hot, single, passionate sex. Let her know that someone has the hots for you and you want to do the same thing she did to you and the marriage.

Out of respect you are letting her know that you want to do it to. You have it all setup but since you took vows and you now want to forsake them that you are letting her know that you are going to cheat on her to get the respect back from your wife that you are desirable too!


Thae OW wants you as well. Go ahead. Tell her just like that. Show her the respect she never gave you.

I double dare you. Then watch her face. Watch what comes next.

Her reaction to this news will be very telling.

I can guarantee you one thing and only one thing.......

*Your marriage will never be the same!*

And you might say well after what she did it isn't already. The difference is when you cross that line your marriage is changed forever because you can't go back to right any wrongs either......

But your a big boy and can make your own choices. Most honorable BS's that wanted a RA ended up D'ing their spouses because they did not want to lose their own self respect.

We have even seen a few BS's take that hurt and desire for a RA into their new relationships and blow those relationships up sky high. They became as bad as their previous WS's.

*What type of BS will you become??*


HM64


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

What kind of love is that? Revenge? Im sorry to hear about what happened. Your wife could never know the hurt and its better if you do not act in this revenge play.

What kind of forgiveness is having an affair in return, i love you, lets R but let me bang this chic quick, BRB. There have been many cheaters who justify their qctions and expect their better half to equalize themselves "im really sorry go have sex with someone else" its really common.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## theone79 (Nov 15, 2011)

I went through the same exact thing man and still going through it sometimes. I actually thought I was the only one until I seen your post. As a man, your pride is hurt so you trying to revamp it back. The thing is, it will feel good at that moment but it will not take the pain away. I've done it myself but that pain of my wife's infidelity ended up returning. And yes, I had that thought of doing it again out of anger but people gave me the advice that in the end, the only person that will look like an ass will be me. I can't tell you whether or not to do it because it is what you feel inside and I been there. I can only warn you that you will not really accomplish nothing and will end up in the doghouse


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

A wrong never can make things right.

Three left turns can make one right turn. But that only works in getting a car heading the right way. With marriages it only makes things worse and lowers the BS to the same level as the WS.

A revenge affair is not going to get the WW unlaid by the OM. There is no amount of RA's that can do that.


----------



## jay80_98 (Jul 14, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> JB
> 
> You are so not over your wife's A it is quite sad.
> 
> ...




Ah friendly reminder marriage is forever changed regardless if he does or doesnt ,


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Just tell her you want to sleep with another woman.

Just tell her exactly about the matter.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

If you have time read the other thread called "wife going for a weekend without me". Youll see how a poor BS posted a few hours ago about his mistake in sleeping with another woman, revenge affair at the surface, and read his thoughts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Dont be a cake eater, stick around here, read, rant and relate. You can be a man amd push through no mans land.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Here's the bottom line. You have already cheated. You kissed this woman and have made arrangements to have sex. I don't believe for one second that the plan is to have sex with her once and that's it. In my opinion have the courage to walk away from this marriage all together or get on with repairing what's broken and try to move forward.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

What if the OW becomes a stalker after you break up with her? You said you had "honest" & "mature" conversation with her? How do you really know she is honest? Does she have a husband? kids?...because "honest" & "mature" women especially with a family don't cheat.

How do you know the OW's husband won't try to physically harm you when he finds out?

Please don't play with fire.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Someone I knew had the car radio stolen from his car. So what he did was he broke into someone else's car and stole their car radio to replace his.
> 
> That's the equivalent of having a revenge affair.


Yes, but that isn't what the OP is saying, at all, is it? He isn't trying to hurt the WS, or get "tit for tat", he is undecided about what he wants to do, either R or D, and simply wants the same experience his WS had , to see if the single life is for him. How could she object? She did it, so why can't he? Some of the posters seem to have an "all or nothing", mindset. Actually , this isn't a "revenge", affair at all, but more like a decision to have a temporary open marriage.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Matt, your analogy isn't appropriate. It should be more like: Somebody steals your radio, so you break into their car and steal it back.


----------



## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Yes, but that isn't what the OP is saying, at all, is it? He isn't trying to hurt the WS, or get "tit for tat", he is undecided about what he wants to do, either R or D, and simply wants the same experience his WS had , to see if the single life is for him. How could she object? She did it, so why can't he? Some of the posters seem to have an "all or nothing", mindset. Actually , this isn't a "revenge", affair at all, but more like a decision to have a temporary *open marriage*.


Aah but even those are honest and not done in secrecy.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I agree, that is why I told the OP to be open about his plans, and not be devious.


----------



## jay80_98 (Jul 14, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> If you have time read the other thread called "wife going for a weekend without me". Youll see how a poor BS posted a few hours ago about his mistake in sleeping with another woman, revenge affair at the surface, and read his thoughts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Everyone reacts diff


----------



## jay80_98 (Jul 14, 2012)

Badblood said:


> I agree, that is why I told the OP to be open about his plans, and not be devious.


What if she says no? She commands him not to do so?


----------



## girlfromipanema (Aug 26, 2011)

Thank u for the OP and responses. Going thru same thing and need to read how stupid an RA is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jay80_98 (Jul 14, 2012)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> Aah but even those are honest and not done in secrecy.


Exaclty , he is doing this for him self not to make her feel a certain way and that is why i feel this is necessary if he thinks it will help him


----------



## jay80_98 (Jul 14, 2012)

theroad said:


> A wrong never can make things right.
> 
> Three left turns can make one right turn. But that only works in getting a car heading the right way. With marriages it only makes things worse and lowers the BS to the same level as the WS.
> 
> A revenge affair is not going to get the WW unlaid by the OM. There is no amount of RA's that can do that.


I dont think thats the point, its not to make her do or feel a certain way its for him to experience something he now feels he would like to experience and is entitled to


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

jay80_98 said:


> What if she says no? She commands him not to do so?


The OP is a big boy, he can do what he thinks is right, just like the rest of us. Since I left the Marines, nobody COMMANDS me to do anything.


----------



## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

the guy said:


> You have only been here since July with 11 post......COME ON REALLY?


Um, you do know that this is a public forum, right? I've been reading these threads since February and feel likei know some of you. But this is only my 16th (?) post. I suspect that he's done similar.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Personally, I don't think this is a "revenge", affair at all. The three issues I have with it are more practical than moral. Morality is subjective, One man's tuna, is another man's catfood. The issues I have are about the OP keeping it a secret, then it becomes infidelity. The others are how the OP will treat the other woman, and if she is also married. These issues open up a different kettle of fish.


----------



## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Personally, I don't think this is a "revenge", affair at all. The three issues I have with it are more practical than moral. Morality is subjective, One man's tuna, is another man's catfood. The issues I have are about the OP keeping it a secret, then it becomes infidelity. The others are how the OP will treat the other woman, and if she is also married. These issues open up a different kettle of fish.


I understand your point. In taking the route of being open about it with his wife he should prepare for her telling him she will be doing the same.


----------



## theone79 (Nov 15, 2011)

I'm sorry. I need help with the abbreviations. Like what is WS RA and so on


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Personally, I don't think this is a "revenge", affair at all. The three issues I have with it are more practical than moral. Morality is subjective, One man's tuna, is another man's catfood. The issues I have are about the OP keeping it a secret, then it becomes infidelity. The others are how the OP will treat the other woman, and if she is also married. These issues open up a different kettle of fish.


I agree. I did it with my cs' blessing. Not to get back on her at all, but get my male self confidence back. It did wonders for me at that time. But I wouldn't cheat on her, have the talk instead. You will both learn how it feels to be on the other side.

If you don't tell her, I will strongly advice you not to do it. You will sort of level down instead of level up.


----------



## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> You won't get new thoughts. If you want to work on fixing your marriage, do not... I repeat *DO NOT* have a revenge affair! You will only make things worse. There are people on this board who did just that and it didn't help AT ALL!


I think a detailed reasoning of why a revenge affair in a relationship is bad is needed.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

theone79 said:


> I'm sorry. I need help with the abbreviations. Like what is WS RA and so on


WS = wayward spouse
RA = revenge affair


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

anonim said:


> I think a detailed reasoning of why a revenge affair in a relationship is bad is needed.


Which is what was given in the follow up posts. Those who HAD revenge affairs responded that it makes everything worse, and how and why it does.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Ah yes. You can have an RA. To "build up your self esteem". And then your wife will do the same thing because YOU wrecker HER self esteem, and then you again, and then her again.......

While I can understand the instinct to want to do that, I am sorry I will not give up who I am just to "even the score".

I do have to wonder if the same people would be in here saying "yeah, tell her you are gonna go have some fun now too" would be saying it if this was a woman OP thinking about having an RA on her husband. Seems unlikely.


----------



## JB0319 (Aug 25, 2012)

So I'm glad I posted this dilemma I'm having and really appreciate so many people chiming in. Some brutal honesty is good. I still don't know what to do though. I know this is on me, and I know what the right thing to do is. Until this point that's all I've ever done... The right thing.. And all it got me was heartbreak... So I know this is still fresh, I know I'm acting out impulsively and morality has flown out the Window but frankly I don't really care right now. I want to care but I'm kind of numb inside. 

There has been a development today. I tested the waters with my wife and told her what's going on in my head, what I'm considering doing and why. After some discussion she gave me her blessing, she doesn't want to know anything about it, but said she wants me to do what I feel is necessary to move on. She strongly laid down ground rules and emphasized that if I do anything I promise I'm coming home to her. That she knows she screwed up and I stood by her. She knows it was wrong and feels remorse, she wishes she hadn't but at the time it seemed like something she needed. That being said we both agree that it was a wake up call and we can move on stronger than we were. 

I know all of that is really loaded and can predict what people will say... But I still don't know what tomorrow will bring. Someone said earlier that I came here looking for permission and that couldn't be further from the truth. I already have given myself permission but I came here to see other perspectives, and I've gotten that for sure.

Now I feel some satisfaction in the fact that I potentially had this in me, I know the kiss was cheating but in comparison to what my wife did, not that bad, and yes I'm rationalizing. I presented it to my wife and she was willing to accept this for me. For the first time it feels like she actually sympathizing with what I'm going through. Part of me knows I should live with that, stop this before it goes further, before it could get out of control, but if I walk away from this fling now, I'm walking away from it forever, the timing, people and circumstances will never line up again. If I don't do this and I give it time, I may be just as screwed up. If I do it I could really move on... I know those both can be reversed but the thing is its all unknown. Just because it went one way for someone or even most people.. Doesn't mean that's what's going to happen with me... I know from experience that sometimes following my gut is best and it's telling me to go for it... But my brain is saying no.... 

So after all this.. After talking with my wife and getting her blessing... I still don't know what I'm going to do... By this time tomorrow the decision will have been made and the deed either done or not done... Keep up the advice and we'll all find out tomorrow what happened
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Horribly wrong!
Wrong, wrong, wrong
Your wife's blessings don't change a thing!!

You are wrong. Period.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> I understand your point. In taking the route of being open about it with his wife he should prepare for her telling him she will be doing the same.


Well, it wouldn't be anything new to him, would it? I mean she already has, "tested the waters', hasn't she?


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

DawnD said:


> Ah yes. You can have an RA. To "build up your self esteem". And then your wife will do the same thing because YOU wrecker HER self esteem, and then you again, and then her again.......
> 
> While I can understand the instinct to want to do that, I am sorry I will not give up who I am just to "even the score".
> 
> I do have to wonder if the same people would be in here saying "yeah, tell her you are gonna go have some fun now too" would be saying it if this was a woman OP thinking about having an RA on her husband. Seems unlikely.


The OP has already said that he isn't trying to "even the score", so much as, "test the waters".


----------



## JB0319 (Aug 25, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Horribly wrong!
> Wrong, wrong, wrong
> Your wife's blessings don't change a thing!!
> 
> You are wrong. Period.


that's the thing I know that. I have never considered lowering myself like this but I don't even know myself anymore... This affair has made me question everything I know about myself and life... I know it's the trauma.. I know it's looking for validation in the wrong place but I guess this is what it's like reaching a tipping point.. I've used so much strength to deal with the affair and I feel like I'm all out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

JB0319 said:


> that's the thing I know that. I have never considered lowering myself like this but I don't even know myself anymore... This affair has made me question everything I know about myself and life... I know it's the trauma.. I know it's looking for validation in the wrong place but I guess this is what it's like reaching a tipping point.. I've used so much strength to deal with the affair and I feel like I'm all out
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


JB, as long as you are honest, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. If you are a man of your word, and return to your wife after you have experienced the other half, then maybe you Can reconcile from a position of equals, instead of from a position of a betrayed spouse. Many people have open marriages. Some for short periods, some for long, and some permanently. What is most important is that BOTH of you communicate the ground rules and abide by them. This might be a good test of how commited your wife is to reconciliation.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

JB0319 said:


> that's the thing I know that. I have never considered lowering myself like this but I don't even know myself anymore... This affair has made me question everything I know about myself and life... I know it's the trauma.. I know it's looking for validation in the wrong place but I guess this is what it's like reaching a tipping point.. I've used so much strength to deal with the affair and I feel like I'm all out
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Technically, you are looking for validation the wrong place, but if you are a bit like me, it just doesn't feel the same to be validated by your wife any more, does it...? 

I understand why you would like to have it from others as well. I needed that. Just to see, that her affair is not all about you. That you don't need her to validate you, you are good enough, and if she will not have you (that's still a risk), you can find another attractive woman.

I know. Been there. Just be aware of, that it does not at all do anything to reduce your pain from the betrayal. But ego boost, yes.


----------



## jay80_98 (Jul 14, 2012)

I know. Been there. Just be aware of, that it does not at all do anything to reduce your pain from the betrayal. But ego boost, yes

THATS WHAT IM SAYING!! DO IT FOR YOU! not to get back at her its not a revenge affair its going after what your missing. And yes it will test the marriage but it already is!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Doing it for you? 

Yes I contemplated having an affair. It would have boosted my ego. I probably would have left my husband as well. Which would have been a good thing for me.

But here's the thing, the excitement and ego boost is not all that you will get. From what poeple who have cheated say, you have get guilt... buckets of guilt that will tear you apart. The self esteem boost will be replaced by self loathing for having let yourself sink so low as do this.

Ask your wife about her guilt and if she has any self-loathing from her affair.

The there is the OW... you are using another human for this. Now she seems willing at this moment... sounds like she thinks it's all a fun adventure. But you have no idea where her mental state will be after the encounter. She might not want to stay with just one time... then what will you do?

And lets' not forget the potential of getting her pregnant.. a life long committment to child support. Then there are STD's.

Also.. if you do this you will only prove to your wife that her cheating was not all that bad because look who you really are.

A short term ego boost -vs- buckets of guilt, self-loathing, your marriage being damaged to the point of no return, potential pregnancy, and potential STDs.

It's up to you man.. if you do this for any preceived benefits to you... you also get the rest of the package.

Remember.. if you break it, you own it.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Doing it for you?
> 
> But here's the thing, the excitement and ego boost is not all that you will get. From what poeple who have cheated say, you have get guilt... buckets of guilt that will tear you apart. The self esteem boost will be replaced by self loathing for having let yourself sink so low as do this.
> 
> Ask your wife about her guilt and if she has any self-loathing from her affair.


I agree with the rest of your post about the rest of the package - it's *possible* outcomes.

But as for the guilt... why do you think that he should feel guilt if he wants to and he is "allowed" to?

Guilt is a feeling derived from actions that you know are plain wrong. This isn't that black or white, is it?


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Ok, first slow down. Relax, let all of these emotions calm down. Your thoughts are flying at 1000mph. Make a decision later, do not talk or involve yourself or set yourself up for a future revenge affair. You cant really reconcile when you act rashly. 

Do not ever think that your wife '1 upped' your or that it isnt fair she got her jollies off. She is the one that owes you for the entirety of the marriage more than before. Keep your honor and dignity, more importantly dont corrupt your marriage more than your wife already has. Respect yourself because you are worth more than to give yourself away for revenge because your wife cheated on you. Choose wisely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

jay80_98 said:


> I dont think thats the point, its not to make her do or feel a certain way its for him to experience something he now feels he would like to experience and is entitled to


You don't think and don't get the point. My post has nothing to do with his WW.

He is not entitled to be a cheater.

He is not entitled to to willing give up the moral high ground for a RA.

Him banging as many women as he can will never get his WW to become UNBANGED by the OM.

Whether his WW is told and let's him do it because she deserves the pain does not make the BH entitled to have a RA.

How can a BH that is so crushed by what the OM and WW do to him can without no problem go out and do it back to his WW?

A BH never really loved his WW even before the affair because he could not be willing to inflict the same crushing pain back.

Also to have a RA the BH is not being much better then the OM because he will be making the woman he RA's with to become an OW having an affair. To use a woman in such a way shows a total lack of class and understanding on his part.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

cpacan said:


> I agree with the rest of your post about the rest of the package - it's *possible* outcomes.
> 
> But as for the guilt... why do you think that he should feel guilt if he wants to and he is "allowed" to?
> 
> Guilt is a feeling derived from actions that you know are plain wrong. This isn't that black or white, is it?


Yes it is exactly that black and white. There aren't many things that are as black and as white. Her permission means exactly nothing. His rationalization means nothing, you are not in a position to be entirely rational in ways that will ultimately line up with your emotions and morality., so take the safe road. If you want to [email protected]!# someone else, get a divorce, pay the full cost, do it right. Right. Otherwise, commit to salvaging your marriage, and accept everything that entails, including being faithful. This is all about you now, what your wife did is irrelevant, unless you cannot accept it, then you divorce. 

Black and white, there is no grey.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Youre both still married and none of your are entitled to cheat even if a spouse allows you to. Why get married in the first place? Tax breaks?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Deleted


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Badblood said:


> The OP has already said that he isn't trying to "even the score", so much as, "test the waters".


He can say it all he wants, I don't buy it. Instead of dealing with his own self esteem issues in a healthy productive way, he wants to have an A. Does it suck spending years working on R?? Of course it does. What happens when it turns into a vicious cycle and neither of them can forgive the other? 

Playing the field is for single people. If you want to play it, divorce and play, or agree to an open marriage with your W.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> Yes it is exactly that black and white. There aren't many things that are as black and as white. Her permission means exactly nothing. His rationalization means nothing, you are not in a position to be entirely rational in ways that will ultimately line up with your emotions and morality., so take the safe road. If you want to [email protected]!# someone else, get a divorce, pay the full cost, do it right. Right. Otherwise, commit to salvaging your marriage, and accept everything that entails, including being faithful. This is all about you now, what your wife did is irrelevant, unless you cannot accept it, then you divorce.
> 
> Black and white, there is no grey.


Matter of opinion. Lots of grey in my opinion. We don't have to agree. His wife changed the rules and the deal.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

cpacan said:


> Matter of opinion. Lots of grey in my opinion. We don't have to agree. His wife changed the rules and the deal.


I beg to differ, if he wants a real R, the rules are the same. No RA.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

OP its ultimately your choice, but if you do decide to have a RA let us know how superb, how great and amazing it feels, how satisfied you became that now you can move on with your wife and get over the.pain and hurt of both your flooziness.

No, but really, its your choice, read a few threads of people who have had them, even if it ends divorce it leaves a bad taste in your mouth. If you really want revenge make your wife fall in love with you all over again amd cheat on her, record it send her a copy. "How does it feel?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> I beg to differ, if he wants a real R, the rules are the same. No RA.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


a temporary open marriage doors not qualify as an affair. So i agree with you, no RA


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> OP its ultimately your choice, but if you do decide to have a RA let us know how superb, how great and amazing it feels, how satisfied you became that now you can move on with your wife and get over the.pain and hurt of both your flooziness.
> 
> No, but really, its your choice, read a few threads of people who have had them, even if it ends divorce it leaves a bad taste in your mouth. If you really want revenge make your wife fall in love with you all over again amd cheat on her, record it send her a copy. "How does it feel?"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. I don't really think any of the advice will do any good here. He is only a few months out from his wife's A, and already has his own affair planned out.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

cpacan said:


> a temporary open marriage doors not qualify as an affair. So i agree with you, no RA


Yes, i was only referring that he wanted to R. If its divorce, it may as well be a FFA(free for all) buffet, although some wait until after it is all final.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

Your wife said that her affair was something she needed. You feel that this revenge affair is something you need. She gave you her blessing. Would you have given her your blessing to have her affair? It was after all something she needed.

When will it end? You could wind up living a life comparable to the Palestinians and the Israelis or the Indians and Pakistanis or the Hatfields and the McCoys or the you name thems that go on and on hurting each other in the name of past greivances.

Judge your wife's remorse for sincerity and react as you know you should.


----------



## JB0319 (Aug 25, 2012)

seasalt said:


> Your wife said that her affair was something she needed. You feel that this revenge affair is something you need. She gave you her blessing. Would you have given her your blessing to have her affair? It was after all something she needed.
> 
> When will it end? You could wind up living a life comparable to the Palestinians and the Israelis or the Indians and Pakistanis or the Hatfields and the McCoys or the you name thems that go on and on hurting each other in the name of past greivances.
> 
> Judge your wife's remorse for sincerity and react as you know you should.


Of course I wouldn't have given her permission, but the thing is if she came to me and said something was missing and she had desires to look for it somewhere else, we could have worked on it. We could have avoided all of this, because ultimately it was all in her head, the things she let build up and pretty much the negative things she was fighting were things she brought into our life and this ended up being the culmination of that negativity and self destructive nature she posses. 

Now the need I have would never have come to life if she hadn't brought it in. I know what I'm doing is probably self destructive too, I get that... But I think I may have to do it... Still don't know... 

We'll find out tomorrow if I can go through with it...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She didn't give you her blessings, face it. You coerced her, you are taking adventage of her failure, her guilt, she can't refuse, has no moral ground to do so.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You own integrity and self respect is not - should not - contingent to anybody's behavior. All this "she changed the rules" is nosense. When he told his vows they were not only a promise to her but to himself, he gave his word.
Ah, and telling her you are going to do it is not the same as honesty, is just telling the truth. It doesn't give adminition for bad behavior. Replace cheateing with another thing nad tryo to justify with being "open" about it. No grey areas anywhere.

When OP's wife failed him first had to fail herself. Now he's going to to do the same.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

This will not end well.

You obviously hate her for having the affair. (If you really loved her you wouldn't even be thinking about a revenge affair.)

Similarly, when you do get your revenge affair, you'll hate her even more and blame her for making you do it.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> This will not end well.
> 
> You obviously hate her for having the affair. (If you really loved her you wouldn't even be thinking about a revenge affair.)
> 
> Similarly, when you do get your revenge affair, you'll hate her even more and blame her for making you do it.


Unless he is like me and ends up hating himself the most of all?


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

No, JB, you don't NEED this, you WANT this. There is a big difference. You are justifying it because SHE did it first. But hey, it is your life...your choice. Most of us gave you excellent advice. It's up to you whether you want to do the right thing or go ahead and go through with your plan. I just hope that if you do go through with it that you can look at yourself the same way. Because I can guarantee your wife won't. She will see you as no better than herself.


----------



## Chris22 (Jul 16, 2012)

Be careful mate, I recently slept with someone other than my WW. Although my drive wasn't revenge, I still think the result may be similar for you. Maybe not? This is something you need to work out.

For me it made things a hell of a lot more complicated, and made my head literally throb with the amount of conflicting thoughts and confusion coursing through it. I felt betrayed by my own actions, and frankly it felt horrible.

As things stand now, you can hold your head high and say that you have been brave and strong in the relationship. When you can no longer lift your head things might get a lot harder.

I think you should really think about what you could lose here.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

What I don't get is, when even OP himself tell us....


> I have never considered lowering myself like this but I don't even know myself anymore... This affair has made me question everything I know about myself and life... I know it's the trauma.. I know it's looking for validation in the wrong place but I guess this is what it's like reaching a tipping point.. I've used so much strength to deal with the affair and I feel like I'm all out


...some posters encourage him to jump from the edge of the cliff so many BS find themselves after learning of their WS affair. I don't get it the "well man, not that bad, after all".
He came her to get help. Good Lord.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Take some time off, let the dust settle, blow some steam off, punch some walls, pillows, bags, go shoot or blow up a manequin. Breathe and think. This is chess, RA is not a wise move and could end in a stalemate or worse! If your wife loses you lose, if your wife wins you win, be indignant with your wife all you want but do not be irrational and pull a RA. You love your wife, just right now you're on the emotional roller coaster, it'll slow down later on.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Go NC with potential, willing OW


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Now, unless you lie to OW she will know your wife is aware. If she follow through she will know WW will get hurt no matter what "blessings" gave you. OW is not stupid. 
Of course you are also perfectly aware you will hurt your wife also. But is not that parytially the point?


----------



## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

While I don't believe in, and would never do the RA, I can see where OP is coming from.

His CW isn't remorseful. Maybe he's trying to shock her into reality. I think if he told her of his plans, and her believing that he will do it, but without following through, it might be the jolt she needs to realise what a lowlife b!tch she's been to him and start showing a lot more respect.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

theroad said:


> You don't think and don't get the point. My post has nothing to do with his WW.
> 
> He is not entitled to be a cheater.
> 
> ...


He is entitled to whatever he feels he is entitled to.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Sure he is, along with all the consequences, and there will be consequences.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

What I find amazing is how many rigid people are here. OP, you do what you feel is right. You have been honest about this to your wife, and that is ALL you owe her, up to and until you decided to R or D. I would, however, sit down like adults and discus your issues in a reasonable manner. The "fire and Brimstone ", approach isn't very successful when dealing with infidelity. I sometimes think that there are posters who would cheerfully stone a cheater. Hoo Boy!!


----------



## JB0319 (Aug 25, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

The real thing is, it isn't about what he owes her, its about what he owes himself. He is contemplating actions that cannot be undone, that will have real, serious consequences, both for himself and his spouse. Is he really in a spot to make fully sound decisions? By his own admission, no, probably not. Will that excuse his actions? Again no. If he chooses not to partake will he never have an opportunity to have sex again? No, of course not. So why risk making a bad situation worse, much worse?


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

And yeah, some days, I would happily be the first one in line to be honest.


----------



## JB0319 (Aug 25, 2012)

ok.. This is the OP again... Still struggling... This is a screwed up question probably but right now I'm concerned that if I call this off, tell me wife realistically how close this came to happening, she's going to see it not as something I'm avoiding so she and I can move on but she'll see it as weakness... That I didn't have it in me to really be bad... I have always been a nice guy, doing the right thing and she used that against me. She had an affair with a jerk, an a-hole who was dangerous and bad...I know she has issues that she needs to work out with this but I do love her and she loves me... I know that... But I am done looking like a fool, or being a doormat... If I back out of this.. I'm there again.. 

And yes I know that we should talk about it, that we need to grow up and stop looking for escapes or ways to avoid talking about it. But even with the guilt and shame, I could prove to myself that good people sometimes do bad things and in return truly be able to look at my wife and believe it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gartsy (Jun 22, 2012)

OP just for some first hand experience, like you i have been tormented with my wifes affair for the last 6 years. It didnt get any better and it all got the best of me. I thought about the revenge thing for so long until i finally did it once.

I told nobody about it as it was suppose to help me get over what she did. Let me tell you it did nothing to change the way i feel about her actions, it still disgusts me and plays on my mind as per usual, only now i have to live with the fact i fooled around on her and hated it as it was not something i wanted to do and im upset with myself. The only thing it did do is re-confirm the fact that she is the ONE for me and just makes me want to be with her more as in a good sense nobody makes me feel the way my wife does (sucks that she is also the one who destroyed my heart). Its not even like i wanted to hurt her just ease the pain on myself, and that forbidden fruit you mentioned, its not supposed to taste good especially if your already with the one person who your meant to be with.

So in all honesty if you go ahead with it, enjoy it and dont feel the confirmation of your wife being the one for you, i say you leave for your own health cause unless you do the therapy thing its hard for it to get better

good luck mate


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I know those feelings exactly, I know how it feels to want to do it for exactly those reasons. They are also the best reasons not to do it. To not hate yourself in the end, hate with more intensity than you have ever had for anyone or anything. Then trying to find a way to deal with that on top of everything else. It is not worth it. No contest.


----------



## Chris22 (Jul 16, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> I know those feelings exactly, I know how it feels to want to do it for exactly those reasons. They are also the best reasons not to do it. To not hate yourself in the end, hate with more intensity than you have ever had for anyone or anything. Then trying to find a way to deal with that on top of everything else. It is not worth it. No contest.


My thoughts exactly, I think this road leads to further pain


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Gartsy said:


> OP just for some first hand experience, like you i have been tormented with my wifes affair for the last 6 years. It didnt get any better and it all got the best of me. I thought about the revenge thing for so long until i finally did it once.
> 
> I told nobody about it as it was suppose to help me get over what she did. Let me tell you it did nothing to change the way i feel about her actions, it still disgusts me and plays on my mind as per usual, only now i have to live with the fact i fooled around on her and hated it as it was not something i wanted to do and im upset with myself. The only thing it did do is re-confirm the fact that she is the ONE for me and just makes me want to be with her more as in a good sense nobody makes me feel the way my wife does (sucks that she is also the one who destroyed my heart). Its not even like i wanted to hurt her just ease the pain on myself, and that forbidden fruit you mentioned, its not supposed to taste good especially if your already with the one person who your meant to be with.
> 
> ...


I like this post, thanks for the sharing.

I still fail to understand, why everybody continue to view OP's extramarital wants as founded in a wish for revenge?

He has stated more than one time, that he wants to do it with the purpose of reclaiming his masculinity and tasting those fruits he denied himself while the original marital contract was still valid.

If he chooses to do it, it will NOT reduce the pain from her betrayal, but it will help him to not feel inadequate. It's for him to decide whether to pay the price for this or not (as stated earlier).


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I really do wish that having an RA was a quick fix. How much better all of us BS's would feel if that was all it took. 

i doubt that there is any quick fix for the harm that an affair causes. It's like cancer. It might go into remission.. but that damage is permanent.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

This is pure conjecture on my part, but I get the feeling that OP has always wanted to have an affair and his wife's infidelity is just the excuse that he needs to do so.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

JB0319 said:


> ok.. This is the OP again... Still struggling... This is a screwed up question probably but right now I'm concerned that if I call this off, tell me wife realistically how close this came to happening, she's going to see it not as something I'm avoiding so she and I can move on *but she'll see it as weakness... That I didn't have it in me to really be bad..*. I have always been a nice guy, doing the right thing and she used that against me. She had an affair with a jerk, an a-hole who was dangerous and bad...I know she has issues that she needs to work out with this but I do love her and she loves me...* I know that... But I am done looking like a fool, or being a doormat... If I back out of this.. I'm there again.*.
> 
> And yes I know that we should talk about it, that we need to grow up and stop looking for escapes or ways to avoid talking about it. But even with the guilt and shame, I could prove to myself that good people sometimes do bad things and in return truly be able to look at my wife and believe it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What about Honor? Cheating. Not cheating. You think you get bonus points and respect for cheating to even the score? Are you not the "bigger person" for being able to stand on doing the right thing instead of evening the score?

Wow! I'm simply flabbergasted to read that you feel that your wife will think less of you if you refuse to be tempted to cheat after what she did.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> This is pure conjecture on my part, but I get the feeling that OP has always wanted to have an affair and his wife's infidelity is just the excuse that he needs to do so.


He admitted that himself in one of the early posts, as far as I remember. But now he is seemingly resentfull because he chose fidelity on those occasions where he had the opportunity.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

No it isn't about revenge, it is about self respect. In the end the chances of improving his self respect are there, but they are infintecimally small. Smaller still when you consider the fact that he came on this forum and posted the question. He is throwing out an anchor to stop himself, big time, trying to gain some strength he doesn't think he has, but he does. He wouldn't even try if he didn't. I think if he goes ahead, he won't gain self esteem or self respect, whatever you want to call it, he will annihilate it.


----------



## JB0319 (Aug 25, 2012)

cpacan said:


> He admitted that himself in one of the early posts, as far as I remember. But now he is seemingly resentfull because he chose fidelity on those occasions where he had the opportunity.


I'm human, a man, and one who is a very sexual person. I don't live in a bubble and yes there were times that I have been in situations where I've been attracted to other women, I love my wife completely and no one compares to her but that doesn't mean other women are all unattractive and boring. I have had good chemistry with many women, wondered what it would be like but I took seriously my wedding vows and no one was ever worth breaking that no matter how attracted to each other we were. 

This is my opinion but I don't believe there is anyone who has never fantasized about it. Acting on it is the difference and people choose to act or not for many different reasons. I never did because I thought what we had was sacred... I was wrong. That changes this... We may fix this and be faithful but it never will be sacred again. If that is gone. My barrier is gone. If I do this once it's once. And then we move forward bound to a new vow, but it can never be sacred again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

So now you want an open marriage?


----------



## JB0319 (Aug 25, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> No it isn't about revenge, it is about self respect. In the end the chances of improving his self respect are there, but they are infintecimally small. Smaller still when you consider the fact that he came on this forum and posted the question. He is throwing out an anchor to stop himself, big time, trying to gain some strength he doesn't think he has, but he does. He wouldn't even try if he didn't. I think if he goes ahead, he won't gain self esteem or self respect, whatever you want to call it, he will annihilate it.


As the OP I would totally agree with your anchor comment... Honestly look at me... I'm supposed to meet the OW in less than 2 hours and I'm still going back and forth here. The anchors thrown have some weight but the wind is picking up and the seas are getting angry...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

JB0319 said:


> ok.. This is the OP again... Still struggling... This is a screwed up question probably but right now I'm concerned that if I call this off, tell me wife realistically how close this came to happening, she's going to see it not as something I'm avoiding so she and I can move on but she'll see it as weakness... That I didn't have it in me to really be bad... I have always been a nice guy, doing the right thing and she used that against me. She had an affair with a jerk, an a-hole who was dangerous and bad...I know she has issues that she needs to work out with this but I do love her and she loves me... I know that... But I am done looking like a fool, or being a doormat... If I back out of this.. I'm there again..
> 
> And yes I know that we should talk about it, that we need to grow up and stop looking for escapes or ways to avoid talking about it. But even with the guilt and shame, I could prove to myself that good people sometimes do bad things and in return truly be able to look at my wife and believe it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know JB. I love your honesty. I gotta say that. And I understand the need to not look weak to the wayward wife.

But at the same time you should see that she really looks stupid in your eyes. I know you love her. I know you feel she loves you. That is good.

Find something else that will redeem your self esteem, your honor and your notion of a beautiful marriage. Someday you will realize that all of these virtues come from within.

When I got crushed by my significant other. I wanted to screw around but I was not that type of guy.

So I turned to other forms of killing myself. Skydiving, soaring, flying all over the country, rock climbing, even bought a few German cars so I could try to kill myself doing 160+ plus on the highway. It got so bad my own parents were ready to lock me up.

And then it dawned on me that all I really wanted was to be happy. And that all my efforts were only killing me.

I hope you find what makes you happy. I also hope that your wife stops screwing around and joins you on your journey to find happiness.

Just start that journey JB. Do it now. Having a RA might be the start of that. It wasn't for me but everyone is different.

But remember that every action has on sequences. Some good, some bad. What will your RA have ? Good or bad?

The choice is always yours my friend.

HM64


----------



## JB0319 (Aug 25, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> What about Honor? Cheating. Not cheating. You think you get bonus points and respect for cheating to even the score? Are you not the "bigger person" for being able to stand on doing the right thing instead of evening the score?
> 
> Wow! I'm simply flabbergasted to read that you feel that your wife will think less of you if you refuse to be tempted to cheat after what she did.


Honestly I have no idea what she'll think of me. I really have lost my mind. I don't know know which way is which anymore... It's like living in some alternate universe...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jay80_98 (Jul 14, 2012)

GO ! Have a great time dont think too much about your wife cause she didnt think of u and focused instead on her AP and her time with him dont think too much or be analytical this is for you


----------



## jay80_98 (Jul 14, 2012)

You dont have to be a bigger person, u just have to be a human the bond is no longer sacred today a new relationship needs to begin but your needs for yourself and as a human, the masculinity in your head is sacred to you , at some point u need to realize life is self serving if u keep putting others in front of u ,especially those that disrespect u you will miss out and you dont want to t be in your death bed thinking what if


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

JB0319 said:


> Honestly I have no idea what she'll think of me. I really have lost my mind. I don't know know which way is which anymore... It's like living in some alternate universe...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


More reasons you shouldn't do it now. TBH, I have seen posts where the BS felt better after the revenge A. I might work for some and it won't for others. But considering the mess your marriage is in, an affair is the last thing you might want to do.

Remember, an affair means lying. It is being a lesser person irrespective of what your wife did.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

It would be better to be thinking why did I?


----------



## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

I have been in your spot. I was a virgin when I first married my wife. We were married 23 years. Most of it was wonderful, until I found out about her affairs, a pa with a co-worker, and an ea with my best friend.

After the crushing pain comes the bitterness. It is NOT fair. We didn't deserve this, and the one person we treasured sold us out for nothing. At least that is how I felt.

Fast forward to the present. I am divorced and soon will be marrying a "better" woman. I wanted a RA so badly for a few months after I was hurt, but now with the new wife on the way, I am grateful I didn't do it.

OP, if you can't get it out of your head, like me, maybe a divorce and a decent new woman would be a better choice. Keep your honor and find peace with yourself again. Life is a b!tch, but you might just deserve a second chance with someone that has better character.

And wife number TWO would be hurt if you sell out. Just saying living well may be a better revenge than cheap sex.

Take it slow. Be proactive to create a better life, not reactive to a woman that may not have you as her priority.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Op, you want some external strength for the decision? I can do that for you. Do not follow through on your plans today.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

cpacan said:


> I like this post, thanks for the sharing.
> 
> I still fail to understand, why everybody continue to view OP's extramarital wants as founded in a wish for revenge?
> 
> ...


It's called projecting. Most posters can't or won't even try to view an issue from the perspective of another person, but will project their own issues on the OP. He could say 1,000 times that he isn't doing this for revenge, but most posters simply would tune him out and believe what they want to believe.


----------



## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

I don't think there's anything anyone can say or do right now. 
It's going to play itself out and whatever happens will happen. 
Yes he has a choice but I think he has made that choice already. 
Now we just wait for the end result! 
Like everyone has mentioned already, it may feel good for a minute but the pain and suffering will continue for months or years to come. 
It's a case of blue pill, red pill. 
Which one will you choose?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

How about choosing the brown one? The OP' situation is unique and should be treated as unique. To brow-beat him with cookie-cutter advice for what is clearly a deeply personal issue, isn't going to change his mind, it's going to drive him off TAM. OP, I think you have gotten about as much advice as there is going to be, until you come back and tell us what has happened. Regardless of what you do, you will always be welcome here on TAM, and we will always try to help, in our own ways. Good Luck!!


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

JB0319 said:


> Brief back story. Wife of nine years had affair. It only lasted about a month and they were only intimate twice. I chose to stay and work it out. Things have been improving, she is truly sorry and regrets what she did.
> 
> That being said, I already get the 2 wrongs argument, lowering myself, all that. But even understanding and accepting that, I still feel a desire to do something for me.
> 
> ...


I haven't read the entire thread yet. 

I understand how you feel. Chose not to do that to myself. I did not want the label of cheater. 

But the caveat I have is this OW sounds exactly like the OW that is now stalking me and soon to be ex husband. 

He thought he had found the perfect cheating partner but and she said all the things your OW is saying based on the emails I read. 

Still, she changed her mind and decided she wanted more. So that could be a problem later.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

So, JB, what was your decision?


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

JB0319 said:


> OK.. Going to play devil's advocate (possibly literally), everyone says it makes things worse, what exactly are outcomes, and aren't there exceptions to every rule?
> 
> We have gone to couples counseling, which helped through the first few weeks which were really rough. We've read all the books, done the exercises. We've re committed to each other. Stressed we both want this to work, she has shown remorse and to address another comment about her thinking it's hot, that's me assuming, not her saying.
> 
> ...


I don't think a revenge affair is a good idea, for your own sake and self esteem. 

It was wrong for your wife to insist on meeting face to face with om to let him down gently. 

Too bad for him. He knew he was in an illicit immoral relationship and he should expect it might end badly. So shame on her. 

But don't make yourself like her. 

With that said, I do understand where your at because I thought that having a revenge affair was the only way that my STBEH could understand my pain, paranoia and distrust. 

He was telling me three months after the affair to just get over it, and that I should be over it, that I was letting the term Betrayed spouse define me. 

Still, in the end I wanted to say that I honored my vows even if he couldn't. 

I also have filed for a fault divorce because I want the record to show he cheated, not me. 

In no fault irreconcilable differences is cited and I thought that kinda' makes me sound inflexible and raises doubt about what truly caused the divorce.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Badblood said:


> OK, Look, everybody has trotted out the appropriate cliche's, made the proper moral comments, and given the OP some good advice. What has been lost , is that he asks a very good and pertinent question. Why shouldn't the BS have an opportunity to "test the waters"? I mean, the WS had her cake, why shouldn't the BS get a slice? Don't be devious about it, come right out and tell her that you want to see if you really want to R, and that you won't know until you have tried the single route at least one time. Separate for a few weeks, get laid, and then decide what you want. This would be an honest way to do it. If she says no, then ask her if the marriage was so important to her then why did she cheat? Why does the BS always have the honus put on him/her, to "do the right thing"? Maybe this would be a good way for the BS to redeem their self-esteem? IDK, but it's a valid question, for sure.


Bad blood makes an excellent point when he suggests you separate first. 

In some states, if a spouse dates while separated it is not considered infidelity. 

So, I agree that separating and dating to see if you want to remain married is a great idea. 

I chose to divorce and have filed. 

The trust is gone for me and will never return.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> He is entitled to whatever he feels he is entitled to.


Where did I hear this before? Entitlement?


> OP, you do what you feel is right.


Where did I hear this before? He deserves happiness, right? "Life is short..."


> You have been honest about this to your wife, and that is ALL you owe her, up to and until you decided to R or D.


He already decided on R. He's struggling for staying as every BS in the world.


> he isn't doing this for revenge, but most posters simply would tune him out and believe what they want to believe.


Many - most? - Waywayds claims didn't "do it" to pusnigh, to hurt anybody (I never thought I'd be caught, "what they don't know it' won't hurt"). May waywards feels undesired, unwanted, un sexy, less than a woman/man. They seek build themselves by sexual gratification/seeking attention from the oposite gender.


> The OP' situation is unique and should be treated as unique.


Is there any wayward which doesn't believe they are unique, they are facing special circunstances... yada yada

No difference, no grey areas.


----------



## jay80_98 (Jul 14, 2012)

Labcoat said:


> Um, you do know that this is a public forum, right? I've been reading these threads since February and feel likei know some of you. But this is only my 16th (?) post. I suspect that he's done similar.


I've been here since june 2011 i think just started posting


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

JB0319 said:


> Until this point that's all I've ever done... The right thing.. And all it got me was heartbreak... So I know this is still fresh, I know I'm acting out impulsively and morality has flown out the Window but frankly I don't really care right now. I want to care but I'm kind of numb inside.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And that is why you should not have an RA in such a radical emotional state. 

The urge to do this is so danged normal. The people here talked me out of it. 

Don't do it. You are not thinking clearly. 

I felt exactly as you. I always do the right thing and where did it get me. 

Well, maybe it is getting us something we can't quantify, see or measure.


----------



## jay80_98 (Jul 14, 2012)

cpacan said:


> I agree with the rest of your post about the rest of the package - it's *possible* outcomes.
> 
> But as for the guilt... why do you think that he should feel guilt if he wants to and he is "allowed" to?
> 
> Guilt is a feeling derived from actions that you know are plain wrong. This isn't that black or white, is it?


Well which is the lesser of two evils of the neg emotions?
Insecurity or guilt? Lets see guilt cause you betrayed someone who betrayed you and robbed you of your masculinity? 
Or the insecurity and lack of confidence that you cant count on your wife to lift any longer?


----------



## jay80_98 (Jul 14, 2012)

theroad said:


> You don't think and don't get the point. My post has nothing to do with his WW.
> 
> He is not entitled to be a cheater.
> 
> ...


I dont consider it an RA, its what he has to do to recapture his manliness, look how far morality in marriage got him?? Take WW and solely think about him cause in all honesty thats all that matters now,


----------



## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

If you do this, don't be so sure that it will only be just the once. That might be your intention (or justification) right now, but I don't think that's what will happen.

One thing you notice looking at infidelity boards is that once people start affairs, they find it very hard to stop. Especially on their own. I don't think you'll be the exception.


----------



## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Personally I don't see anything wrong in having a revenge affair(s),in fact I'd even tell her of my intentions to not remain faithful and then divorce when I had my fill or if she filed first. But that's how I am and do not advocate it to anybody else. But if you want to reconcile, I suppose doing something like this will only damage the relationship further


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jay80_98 said:


> Well which is the lesser of two evils of the neg emotions?
> Insecurity or guilt? Lets see guilt cause you betrayed someone who betrayed you and robbed you of your masculinity?
> Or the insecurity and lack of confidence that you cant count on your wife to lift any longer?


I am curious...would you be giving the same advice to a woman if she was wanting to cheat on her husband because he cheater on her? Making her feel inadequate? Taking away her femininity? Making her feel like sh!t? Would you tell this woman to go ahead and have sex with another man who is willing, just so she will feel better about herself?

I know a few on here who have replied MIGHT say this... but you seem to be the one who is pushing the most for him to go cheat. And yes, it is cheating. What his wife did was cheating. As long as they are still married, it is cheating... unless they agree to an open marriage and nothing is kept secret from each other.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> Personally I don't see anything wrong in having a revenge affair(s),in fact I'd even tell her of my intentions to not remain faithful and then divorce when I had my fill or if she filed first.


In that case there's no cheating at all. In OP's case he's trying to reconcile. He decided it, he agreed to it. Like every BH he feels emasculated, unadecuated, less than a man, he feels like a chump for staying, he wants to build himself up by f'cking around, going agains his own values, caving in NOW when he foguht the temptation before for the right reasons. He take adventage of WW's guilt to get "permission" so it's not actually cheating right? Peopoe suggestr to a trial separation so it's not cheating right? ("I need space fo figure out myself" come to mind)...


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I don't particularly advocate Revenge affairs, either, but I don't see this as a revenge affair. I see it as an open marriage situation, or even a separation situation, that will last until the OP has determined whether or not to R or D. I feel the as the WS has had an opportunity to experience sex outside of the marriage , it would only be fair for her to accord the OP with the same opportunity.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

cpacan said:


> I agree with the rest of your post about the rest of the package - it's *possible* outcomes.
> 
> But as for the guilt... why do you think that he should feel guilt if he wants to and he is "allowed" to?
> 
> Guilt is a feeling derived from actions that you know are plain wrong. This isn't that black or white, is it?


This ignores the complexity of the human mind. Talk to police officers who have shot and killed people in the line of duty and the guilt they felt, even though the shooting was justified. Just because you are allowed to do something does not mean you won't feel guilt for doing it.

To the OP, sit down and figure out the type of person you want to be. What does your word me? When you make a promise, what actions does it take for you to be released from the promise? How do you view yourself and your character? Figure out where this scenario fits in the type of man you want to be. 

All the other advice and such is all background noise to the real issue - what type of man are you? Figure that out then go from there.


----------



## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Personally I don't see anything wrong in having a revenge affair(s),in fact I'd even tell her of my intentions to not remain faithful and then divorce when I had my fill or if she filed first. But that's how I am and do not advocate it to anybody else. But if you want to reconcile, I suppose doing something like this will only damage the relationship further






Acabado said:


> In that case there's no cheating at all. In OP's case he's trying to reconcile. He decided it, he agreed to it. Like every BH he feels emasculated, unadecuated, less than a man, he feels like a chump for staying, he wants to build himself up by f'cking around, going agains his own values, caving in NOW when he foguht the temptation before for the right reasons. He take adventage of WW's guilt to get "permission" so it's not actually cheating right? Peopoe suggestr to a trial separation so it's not cheating right? ("I need space fo figure out myself" come to mind)...




Next time quote my entire post. I don't think its easy for people to reconcile. I wouldn't be able to do it. But there are people on this site who have done it without taking the revenge route and I respect them for doing it knowing that rebuilding would require a lot more patience than walking away. I can think of AlmostRecovered being one such poster. 

And to be honest I don't mind taking advantage of WW's guilt to have a little on the side, she asked for it. And besides he'd actually be informing her of his intentions. If she can't say no thats her problem.


----------



## jay80_98 (Jul 14, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> I am curious...would you be giving the same advice to a woman if she was wanting to cheat on her husband because he cheater on her? Making her feel inadequate? Taking away her femininity? Making her feel like sh!t? Would you tell this woman to go ahead and have sex with another man who is willing, just so she will feel better about herself?
> 
> I know a few on here who have replied MIGHT say this... but you seem to be the one who is pushing the most for him to go cheat. And yes, it is cheating. What his wife did was cheating. As long as they are still married, it is cheating... unless they agree to an open marriage and nothing is kept secret from each other.


Yes cause we are in control of our bodies and minds and not the Wayward and if this is the avenue you feel you need to take to explore yourself to try something you need to unbound the shackles your betrayal and focus on you even if its for sometime by all means give yourself that opportunity cause at the end of the day dont torture your self to live up to some standard to live up to someone who disrespected and broke u,


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jay80_98 said:


> Yes cause we are in control of our bodies and minds and not the Wayward and if this is the avenue you feel you need to take to explore yourself to try something you need to unbound the shackles your betrayal and focus on you even if its for sometime by all means give yourself that opportunity cause at the end of the day dont torture your self to live up to some standard to live up to someone who disrespected and broke u,


Well, at least you're honest. I'll give you that. Personally, I'd rather take the high road, knowing that I didn't break the vows. 

When faced with the opportunity to have sex with another man, twice (same man)... knowing my husband had been involved in an EA with a woman I had considered a friend... no way. There was no way I could go through with it. Yes, we both had EAs. But even if he had been physically unfaithful, there's no way I could do that. 

But, to each his own. JB's gonna do whatever he wants...whether right or wrong.


----------



## jay80_98 (Jul 14, 2012)

Whats wrong to one is right to anther


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

JB if you do this you will mark yourself as a cheater. Once you cross that line, it will be easier for you to cheat on this - or your next - wife.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

True, but he's been in here, he asked the question. Signs that this is unmistakenly wrong to him. His WW has nothing to do with it. He is going to hate himself if he does it.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> JB if you do this you will mark yourself as a cheater. Once you cross that line, it will be easier for you to cheat on this - or your next - wife.


x1000.


----------



## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

JB0319,

Back in post #74 when you said you were given her blessing you gave very few details about your current situation and the feelings expressed by your wife.

I realize the thread is about you wanting/considering a revenge affair but it needs more development concerning the present state of your relationship with your wife.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Well, at least you're honest. I'll give you that. Personally, I'd rather take the high road, knowing that I didn't break the vows.
> 
> When faced with the opportunity to have sex with another man, twice (same man)... knowing my husband had been involved in an EA with a woman I had considered a friend... no way. There was no way I could go through with it. Yes, we both had EAs. But even if he had been physically unfaithful, there's no way I could do that.
> 
> But, to each his own. JB's gonna do whatever he wants...whether right or wrong.


All of the posters who piously talk about not breaking vows, ETC. It might interest you to know that divorce is , itself, a breaking of wedding vows. There is no wedding ceremony that makes an allowance for divorce. In fact, there is no marriage vow that mentions failed marriage at all. All wedding ceremonies and vows are assumed to be eternal or until death do us part. There is no caveat added to the end of the ceremony, stating "or until we divorce, which ever comes first". But, like most other moral precepts, we obey it when it is convenient or to our advantage to do so. We make allowances for extrordinary circumstances. So, to object to the OP's question on moral grounds is a very slippery slope.


----------



## jay80_98 (Jul 14, 2012)

Badblood u make a lot of sense


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

jay80_98 said:


> Badblood u make a lot of sense


Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jay80_98 said:


> Well which is the lesser of two evils of the neg emotions?
> Insecurity or guilt? Lets see guilt cause you betrayed someone who betrayed you and robbed you of your masculinity?
> Or the insecurity and lack of confidence that you cant count on your wife to lift any longer?


When a man cheats... does he rob his wife of her femininity?

I was not aware that cheating could create masculinity.

If a person cheats to regain-masculinity, or whatever it is they are looking to gain/re-gain, they are using another person for their own purposes.

Does using others build masulinity?


----------



## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> .
> 
> I felt exactly as you. I always do the right thing and where did it get me.
> 
> Well, maybe it is getting us something we can't quantify, see or measure.


It allows us to maintain our integrity.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> When a man cheats... does he rob his wife of her femininity?
> 
> I was not aware that cheating could create masculinity.
> 
> ...


I friggin LOVE this post!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> When a man cheats... does he rob his wife of her femininity?
> 
> I was not aware that cheating could create masculinity.
> 
> ...


Which begs the question, What do women gain by cheating?

OP, you're a big boy and should do what your head tells you. If you don't want to reconcile, cause as much damage as you can, lead her along with the open marriage(on your end) idea for a while and then snag the string on the marriage. If you do want to reconcile, I'd follow what the other posters are saying

But, the way I see it. Fidelity(for me at least) is a gift that I give a person, a gift I need no longer give if she doesn't deserve it.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> to object to the OP's question on moral grounds is a very slippery slope.


What? He's the first own telling he's losing it, breaking his own values. By the way. I had adviced him agains this RA but I'm atheist. You are mistaking here moral and religious beliefs.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

So... JB...what's the verdict? Which did you choose?


----------



## JB0319 (Aug 25, 2012)

so I'm not sure if when I tried to update everyone originally it went through. So I thought I'd share it again. This is the OP. I didn't do it. I struggled with it up to the last minute and decided against it. My wife and I talked about how close it came, she knows about the kiss, the plan, everything. 

Yesterday when this all happened I thought I'd made the wrong decision because all of anger, etc. Came flooding back in. The good thing though, despite my wife and I having a very trying day. All the things that were barriers seemed to come down. I felt like maybe we could actually do this. 

I'm still curious what could've happened, what it could've provided me. But I made the right choice I think. Time can only tell. 

Thank you to everyone who posted advice. I really appreciate it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

JB0319 said:


> so I'm not sure if when I tried to update everyone originally it went through. So I thought I'd share it again. This is the OP. I didn't do it. I struggled with it up to the last minute and decided against it. My wife and I talked about how close it came, she knows about the kiss, the plan, everything.
> 
> Yesterday when this all happened I thought I'd made the wrong decision because all of anger, etc. Came flooding back in. The good thing though, despite my wife and I having a very trying day. All the things that were barriers seemed to come down. I felt like maybe we could actually do this.
> 
> ...


Stick around, keep posting. I'm sure you can already tell, the people here will help you. FWIW, I think you made the right choice too, but I'm sure you know that already lol. Anyway, we will help you. Just keep posting.


----------



## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Wow! This has been an intense thread!!! Glad you had some time to think it through.

I am sure the embers are still smoldering.

It took me 8 months from d-day to actually throw in the towel and move to a separation/divorce. I am glad I waited to make sure I was giving up to early, or reacting to the pain.

You have the option to work to R or D at *your* own pace.

I think it is wise to take your time and make small steps. My goal was to be happily married. It just happened to be with a new wife instead of the one that betrayed me. 

Maybe that is what you seek. It means much more than a RA.

I am still glad I chose not to have a RA. I'll bet you will be too.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Whatever decision you make is the right one for you. By all means keep posting, everyone will give you their $.02, and some of it might help. Good Luck


----------



## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

It's been thought provoking, I'm sure for all of us: "what if???"

I think you made the right choice.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Vegamite is terrible stuff.


----------



## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Vegamite is terrible stuff.


Baddblood doesn't sound like a party either.:scratchhead:


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I took R&R in Australia. I tried it on toast, it sucked. I was told it was an acquired taste, I tried it again, it sucked even worse. Apparently you have to be from upside down land to enjoy it.


----------



## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

Badblood said:


> I took R&R in Australia. I tried it on toast, it sucked. I was told it was an acquired taste, I tried it again, it sucked even worse. Apparently you have to be from upside down land to enjoy it.


Okay, I'll bite. Your point is???


----------



## GotMeWonderingNow (May 31, 2012)

Badblood said:


> I took R&R in Australia. I tried it on toast, it sucked. I was told it was an acquired taste, I tried it again, it sucked even worse. Apparently you have to be from upside down land to enjoy it.


The same can be said of certain food items in right side up land my friend. I have had the pleasure of residing in both countries for extended periods and there are acquired tastes in each. The thing with vegemite is that its fed to you from birth so you develop a dependence or tolerance (depending on your point of view).


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

You mean that there are people out there who DON'T like limburger cheese, Chitlins or chicken feet?............Philistines


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Vegemite said:


> Okay, I'll bite. Your point is???


No point, Veg. Just trying to lighten up the place.


----------



## theOTHERman (Aug 30, 2012)

ya, revenge affairs are never good. done that once... never again. just leave the relationship unless you can honestly forget the event and forgive and totally forget about it.
I ended our relationship about 4 months after the revenge affair.... which by the way the sex was terrible... sex is so much better when its fluid with an honest emotional bond. 
Im a totally different person since then and honestly am glad it happened. its amazing how wonderful life is when you can free yourself emotionally.


----------



## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

Badblood said:


> No point, Veg. Just trying to lighten up the place.


All good. Comedy is always good!

But don't ever bag the "Vegemite"!


----------



## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

Vegemite said:


> All good. Comedy is always good!
> 
> But don't ever bag the "Vegemite"!


I have to admit the name of it sounds gross. But I would at least try it once.


----------



## jay80_98 (Jul 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I really do wish that having an RA was a quick fix. How much better all of us BS's would feel if that was all it took.
> 
> i doubt that there is any quick fix for the harm that an affair causes. It's like cancer. It might go into remission.. but that damage is permanent.


Its not a quick fix to the marriage or the relationship, but helps the BS recover some sense of self worth lets them regain control and traction over their individual life knowing they are still worthy and valued


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

To the OP, I am glad you made a decision that works for you. It is consistent with what I would have done, but that it ws yours is better, because it is easier for you to accept. Good luck.

Having said that, I do want to reply to this:



EleGirl said:


> When a man cheats... does he rob his wife of her femininity?
> 
> I was not aware that cheating could create masculinity.
> 
> ...


I am sure many women who are cheated on do doubt themselves as a women. That they shouldn't does not mean that they don't. I suspect that the cheating did, at least temporarily, rob them of at least some of their feminity. I don't advocate revenge affairs, but I don't think this doubt is all that uncommon for men or women.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Which begs the question, What do women gain by cheating?



Well reputable studies show that woman cheat for mainly an emotional connection, but a growing number in their 30s are sex addicts addicted to internet porn and interactive porn sites, just like men.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I know someone whose husband cheated and she had no idea, he left her for the woman who was ten years younger, out of the blue. He left her a note a d refused to speak to her a d threatened to take out a restraining order if she tried to contact him. 
Yes he apparently threatened her femininity because she used to dress rather conservatively but now she walks around with half her DDs hanging out, during the day in normal situations like a child's dance recital.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I know someone whose husband cheated and she had no idea, he left her for the woman who was ten years younger, out of the blue. He left her a note a d refused to speak to her a d threatened to take out a restraining order if she tried to contact him.
> Yes he apparently threatened her femininity because she used to dress rather conservatively but now she walks around with half her DDs hanging out, during the day in normal situations like a child's dance recital.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Letting the puppies show seems to be a growing fashion trend. Ugh. 
I even see it on newscasters on television. too much cleavage showing both up top and below like a plumbers crack. 

It seems unprofessional to me. 

Nothing wrong with dressing sexy for your spouse, but walking around a children's recitals is over the top.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

It's not just cleavage though, it's literally half her breasts. Like if she moves the wrong way there is going to be a nip slip. She has a bf she lives with. She dresses like this when she's with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Vegemite said:


> All good. Comedy is always good!
> 
> But don't ever bag the "Vegemite"!


Well Veg, it isn't the WORST thing I've ever eaten. You gotta remember that I'm a former Marine, and I've had some chow that would gag a maggot. And it isn't as bad as mayonaise, but it's pretty tough eating , all the same.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> Letting the puppies show seems to be a growing fashion trend. Ugh.
> I even see it on newscasters on television. too much cleavage showing both up top and below like a plumbers crack.
> 
> It seems unprofessional to me.
> ...


For guys, it's all good, until our GF's or Wives start to dress that way. MY GF has a killer bod, and she would have to wear a poncho, for men not to notice her, but she does a good job of keeping the heat out of her public wardrobe. She's a physical Therapist, so she wears sweats a lot and tries to get them a little big to cover up.


----------

