# New and Need Help



## Cloud9 (Dec 16, 2008)

My husband and I have been married for 9 years. We have a 2 year old son together and my husband has two daughters, ages 13 and 18, from a previous marriage.

I feel so overwhelmed by the problems in our marriage that I don’t know where to begin.

*I feel like this shouldn’t be so difficult because other people have problems that are so much worse than ours and they survive them. We don’t have money problems, there hasn’t been any infidelity, we are not struggling with job loss, we have not experienced the death of a close friend or family member, we are not battling illness, etc.

*Both of us have difficulty talking about our feelings, especially when the other person doesn’t feel the same way.

*We can’t disagree. Arguments always end in the silent treatment. My husband won’t talk to me for at least 24 hours. I don’t know how to cope with this. If I ignore him, he is silent longer. If I beg him to talk to me, he acts indifferent.

*Our parents were divorced and we don’t want our son to have the same life that we did. My stepdaughters suffer because their parents don’t get along and visitation is not easy for the kids and I don’t want our son to experience that.

*Our son is suffering because of our constant fighting. He is having severe tantrums and nightmares that wake him at all hours. 

*Our son’s sleep problems are just making the strain on our marriage worse. The baby wants to sleep in our bed after a nightmare and he kicks my husband. My husband is now sleeping in the living room.

I feel like we are on different planets. I don’t know how to mend our relationship. My husband was diagnosed with depression 16 months ago. We have been going to family counseling together once a month for about a year.

What else can we do? 

I love him very much.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Cloud9 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 9 years. We have a 2 year old son together and my husband has two daughters, ages 13 and 18, from a previous marriage.
> 
> I feel so overwhelmed by the problems in our marriage that I don’t know where to begin.
> 
> ...


The problems in your marriage are problems no matter if they are big or small compared to anyone else's. I also understand the silent treatment ordeal (this is how my husband gets back at me). I know you are going to family counseling, but have you considered individual or marriage counseling? Just trying to get a little more background info.


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## Cloud9 (Dec 16, 2008)

Thanks for your feedback. Its comforting to know that someone else knows how I feel, even though I feel like I'm alone right now.

My husband was diagnosed with depression and was in individual counseling for about a year (once a month). I have been in individual counseling once a month for about 3 months now.

We are using the same counselor for individual, family, and marriage counseling. Although we both trust our counselor, he travels often and we only see him every couple of weeks.

I called my employer's assistance program this afternoon and received a referral to a local counselor. They will provide 10 sessions of marriage counseling at no cost. I feel like we're "cheating" on our counselor, but I am desperate for help.

My only regret is that the first available appt is two weeks from now. That seems like an eternity when you're walking on eggshells.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think the two of you need to set boundries for disagrements. This will go a long way in healing any rift you might have.

draconis


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## Cloud9 (Dec 16, 2008)

draconis said:


> I think the two of you need to set boundries for disagrements. This will go a long way in healing any rift you might have.
> 
> draconis


What type of boundaries would you recommend?

I recently asked my husband to refrain from yelling or swearing when we argue, and his response was, "then I won't talk at all."

I'm afraid to set boundaries because they blow up in my face.

Any suggestions?


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Cloud9 said:


> What type of boundaries would you recommend?
> 
> I recently asked my husband to refrain from yelling or swearing when we argue, and his response was, "then I won't talk at all."
> 
> ...


I feel your pain here!

As far as feeling like you are cheating on your counselor, I would not worry about that at all. If you like the new counselor great! If not, you still have the old counselor to fall back on. Plus the new counseling sessions are free right? Even better given the current economy. One thing I do want to note is that healing from depression takes time. Lots of time. Six to eight weeks generally before the meds are at the full potential and longer if the meds are quite right. Now, I am no doctor. Just speaking from what I have heard regarding antidepressants. Please feel free to PM if you want.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Cloud9 said:


> *We can’t disagree. Arguments always end in the silent treatment. My husband won’t talk to me for at least 24 hours. I don’t know how to cope with this. If I ignore him, he is silent longer. If I beg him to talk to me, he acts indifferent.


My H gave me the silent treatment, too. It drove me absolutely crazy. And i tried giving it back, but it never worked. like you said, he jsut held out longer. Its a power play. a control tactic. One of our counselors told him it was abuse. I printed off an article from purdue about the affects of giving the silent treatment and had him read it. He still does it anyway. but at least now I know he is fully aware of what he is doing. 

One thing about boundaries that I have learned is only certain people are allowed in certain aspects of your personal life. People have to earn entry into the more personal aspects of your life. So ask yourself, what level of emotional intimacy has your H earned? If he has not earned the feelings and intimacy that you are sharing with him, then do not push it on him. Watch for what he responds appropriately to, and the minute you start feeling hurt, back off. The hurt feeling is the signal that you are giving him more then he can respond appropriately to. 

The conversations that you are having, that end in him ignoring you, need to stop. and you are in control of that. Make sure you are not sharing any more with him then he can respond appropriately too. that is what i have learned.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Cloud9 said:


> I recently asked my husband to refrain from yelling or swearing when we argue, and his response was, "then I won't talk at all."


Surprisingly, telling him not to swear at you is an ineffective way to set a boundary. telling someone else how to behave is setting a boundary on someone else, which is something you have no control over. You have to learn to set boundaries for yourself.
___________________________________________________

From Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self 

It is very important for us to learn to communicate about how another person's behavior is affecting us - without making blaming "you" type of statements. There is a simple formula to help us do this. It is:

When you . . . . .

I feel . . . . .

I want . . . .

Since I am powerless over you, I will take this action to protect myself if you behave in this way.
__________________________________________________

There's a lot more to read on the website that will help a lot.


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