# adult children living at home



## BehrsBabyPooh

What should i do with my two adult children who are living at home? They are both over 18 and should be working part time and going to college, but only one is even remotely interested in college, and the other only wants to play. They both pay rent, but a very little amount, they have no expenses, as neither of them has a car or drives, they both do not have drivers licenses. In our home it was a rule that you had to have good grades and a part time job in order take driving lessons and be able to pay for the driving school and car insurance too. So neither of the kids got their drivers licenses. One just wants to skateboard all day and night and keeps getting tickets for not wearing a helmet, these tickets are not cheap, the last one was over $250.00 ! But he still refuses to wear a helmet! He is an adult so i cannot tell him to wear a helmet, although i have suggested that if he had a helmet on it would stop him being ticketed and would save him in the long run. The other one chose to go to a community college several cities away from our city, even though we live within a short walk to a very good accredited community college. And now wakes up late and bugs me for a ride to the bus stop, because she will miss her connector bus and will not make it to college on time. this after i have already worked and am exhausted and all i want is to sit down and have a peaceful cup of coffee.


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## that_girl

Kick them out.

Done and done. Seriously. Tough love time.


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## Tigger

Who is paying for these $250 tickets?

I would insist they move out.

Being an adult includes adult responsibilities like paying their own way in life.

As long as you make life easy for them, they have no incentive to leave or do anything.


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## kittykatz

Tigger said:


> As long as you make life easy for them, they have no incentive to leave or do anything.


:iagree: I agree with this completely. If you think YOU have it bad, listen to this. My parents have 4 kids, and I am the only girl. I have 2 older brothers (about to turn 31 and 33 years old in March) and the other one is 20. Guess how many of their kids are still living with them? ALL of them... except for me! I moved out when I was around 19. In fact I moved all the way down from North Carolina to Georgia, to be with my now husband. I lived down there for about a year or so, we got married and then shortly after that, we ended up moving back up to North Carolina. So thats where we've living now.

Now I can understand my parents being sad that their only daughter moved two states away, but they acted like their life couldnt go on anymore when I moved. Even though I talked to them on the phone almost everyday and plus, we still came up to visit them about once every month or two. I was like geez... you'd think theyd at least be somewhat happy to see ONE of their kids move out and get married and do something with their lives. But no... they werent. All they could do was beg me to move back to NC almost everytime that I talked to them. 

Eventually my husband decided that he would like to live in NC. He loves the scenery here and being in the mountains. He told me he'd always wanted to live somewhere like NC but the main thing holding him back was his job. He was working for a trucking company that he'd been with for 7 years. After a while, I started thinking about it and I couldnt really blame him, so I tried not to pressure him into anything and just wait until he was ready to move. He did end up deciding later on to just take the risk of losing his job, because he wanted to live in NC so bad, plus we'd be making my parents happy too. So we went for it! And here we are... and my parents act like they are perfectly fine and content now. But when I was living in Georgia, it was like they were just trying to cause problems between us. Especially my mom, she'd say whatever she could think of to cause problems and make me think twice about marrying him. She acted like it was because she was just concerned that my husband and I weren't going to last... and she was trying to keep me from making a mistake. But the truth was, I dont think she had a problem with my husband, I think the only thing she was thinking of was how to get me to move back to NC... and I know its true because now that we're living back in NC, she never says anything negative about my husband or says anything to start trouble between us. Its because she got what she wanted. 

I really dont understand my parents. If I was them, I would have been pushing my brothers to move out a long time ago. They used to say my brothers were being "smart" by staying with them because they were using the opportunity to save up money. (My parents charge them no rent. In fact, my brothers dont even have to pay any bills) My parents pay the power bill, cable bill, internet bill, even their cell phone bills! And they get absolutely no help from my brothers, even if my brothers ever offered to, my parents probably wouldnt let them. I could understand if maybe your adult child lived with you for a few years to save up money, get done with college, etc... but when it gets to the point where they are in their 30s, like my brothers, its PAST the point of just staying there to save up money. They could have saved up a million dollars by now. The problem is that whenever they do save up a little bit of money, they go out and spend it on cars, motorcycles, that kind of thing... the difference is, if i were them, Id put that money as a down payment on a house... a place to live would come top priority and cars and motorcyles would come second. My oldest brother makes about 50,000-60,000 a year, he also has a bachelors degree, and he actually says things to insinuate that he doesnt think its possible for a single person to live on their own nowadays because things are so expensive. Thats ridiculous. I think its just something he tells himself because he doesnt really WANT to move out. 50,000 dollars a year is more than enough for a person to live off of. 

I just cant imagine if i was in their position and I had a younger sister thats a decade younger than me, and shes married, pays her own bills, and moved out the house years ago. Funny thing is, FINALLY my parents are starting to realize that its time for my brothers to go... yet theyre not doing anything at all to move the process along. Theyre still paying all their bills and not charging them rent... yet they make comments like "It sure would be nice to see them get married and have kids one day. I'm not getting any younger!" And I think to myself... if thats what you want then quit making it so dang easy on them! Why would they leave with the way things are now? they have it made! My oldest brother even talked about getting married to this girl once a few years ago and they talked him out of it. I just dont understand my parents or my brothers at all.

My advice to you would be, if you don't want them living with you when theyre 30, you might as well start putting your foot down now. Maybe tell them they can stay with you for a little while as long as they are planning on going to school or doing something productive with their life. Otherwise they need to go. When my husband lived with his mom and stepdad, they charged him like $100 a month for rent or something like that... but they had a rule that if he was going to school, he didnt have to pay rent. I think this is pretty reasonable. As long as your kids are at least making an effort to move out and be independent I see no problem helping them out a little, but if they just sit on the couch all day watching tv and eating chips, I would give them the boot. It may seem harsh but sometimes tough love is the only way to do things. Sometimes people just need a reality check.


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## EleGirl

How old are you adult children? 

My 24 year old son lives with me still. This is because I told him that as long as he's making good grades in college he can live here rent free. He will be graduating in the next year. After that he plans on going on for his masters and will be looking for an out of state school to attend. So he'll be moving out at that time.

Obviously I think it's reasonable to allow an adult 'child' to live at home during college. But your daughter is not being responsible. It's her job to get herself to school on time. That's the least she can do.

Your other one, the skate border. He must have a job if he's paying rent. Tell him he was 30 days to move out. He can get a place with a friend and pay his own way. He can pay his own $250 fines, rent, food, etc. You are helping this kid not grow up by allowing him to live at home and be a skate boarder.


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## tacoma

that_girl said:


> Kick them out.
> 
> Done and done. Seriously. Tough love time.


This.

They can't use the "I'm an adult so you can't control me" line because they aren't adults, adults pay their own way.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Start being selfish about yourself and show confidence in them that they can fail, fail again, and eventually pick themselves up. You've demonstrated to them what it takes to be responsible, by being that way yourself, going the distance for them. Now you need to give them the opportunity to do for themselves, modeled on what you DID for them in the past. Don't worry if they fail. Nobody is going to be permanently damaged by having to transfer colleges after missing classes, or going to court and being held accountable for their ticket. lol. Sounds like you have a perfect set-up for letting them fail, the consequences are not going to be all that grave. Do it now before you end up in a situation where there are bigger consequences, or you go nuts and pay their rent to get them out of the house, or some other more-committed vs. less-committed maneuver.


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## Anon Pink

I teased my daughter that H and I were moving to a retirement community as soon as she turned 18. 

It seems pretty obvious that somewhere along the line they got the message that skating through life was okay, that your expectations meant nothing to them, and that ultimately, they could pretty much do what they want without consequences.

So, what are you going to do about that?


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## that_girl

tacoma said:


> This.
> 
> They can't use the "I'm an adult so you can't control me" line because they aren't adults, adults pay their own way.


Yea. If you live in my house, I control you. If you want freedom, then pay decent rent, buy your own food, clean, help with yard work, help with utilities or GTFO.


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## Mavash.

My rule is after 18 you either go to college or you get the heck out of my house.

Period end of story. I'd be doing them no favors by continuing to support them when they are fully capable of doing it themselves.


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## that_girl

And it's ok if they fail...that's how they learn.

My mom would not let her home be a revolving door. I moved out after college and that was that. I failed, got back up, learned, failed again...but that's what adults do.


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## Mavash.

that_girl said:


> Yea. If you live in my house, I control you. If you want freedom, then pay decent rent, buy your own food, clean, help with yard work, help with utilities or GTFO.


Amen. This is how my parents got me to move out. They controlled me and well that wasn't much fun so I left..........at age 18.


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## NoIssues

Bleeding heart liberal? 

Appararantly their valaues arent getting in the way of their coasting on your back.

Do you know what tough love is?

Two more welfare candidates in training.


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## Hope1964

I don't believe in kicking your kids out. It's damned hard to get out on your own with the prices of things today.

My kids all had one year free rent after grade 12, longer if they're in school. They also have the option of attending school in another city and we pay room and board (but not tuition or books). After their year they pay rent.

The trick is to make it uncomfortable for them to live with you, not kick them out. Let them think it was their choice to leave.

That will look different for each kid. My daughter who lives with us at the moment wants to move out REALLY badly and so is saving up for it right now and planning for it. She can't stand living at home, she's just that way. The boys, though, took a bit more convincing. They both got jobs quite far away from our house, and had to start taking the bus (we quit driving them everywhere). Well, it didn't take them long to find somewhere a LOT closer to work to live


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## tacoma

Hope1964 said:


> I don't believe in kicking your kids out. It's damned hard to get out on your own with the prices of things today.


Quite honestly I don't see this, I hear it all the time but I don't see it.
Not in my area anyway.
Usually it's the kids who are saying it.

A two bedroom rental goes for about a $100-200.00 more now than it did when I was renting as a twentysomething.
Twentysomethings now make more than I did as the minimum wage has indeed gone up quite a bit since I was twentysomething.
With a roommate a twentysomething can live just fine.
Not broadband internet full cable TV and AC cranking all the time fine but "fine" nonetheless.
They aren't entitled to a carefree life anymore than I was.
I busted my ass for the security and luxuries I have now, why the hell does anyone think they are entitled to have it handed to them on a platter?



> My kids all had one year free rent after grade 12, longer if they're in school. They also have the option of attending school in another city and we pay room and board (but not tuition or books). After their year they pay rent.


What if they are still paying you rent at the age of 30?
Is that acceptable?



> The trick is to make it uncomfortable for them to live with you, not kick them out. Let them think it was their choice to leave.


What if that doesn't work for any number of reasons?

I'm not arguing because I agree with much of what you've stated and actually attempted it myself with absolutely no good results until I did literally kick him out.
Went fine after that.


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## richie33

18 years old is far from being a adult. I live in NYC I don't know any 18 year old who could afford a $2,000 one bedroom. I joined the military at 17 so I was more equipped when I was discharged but it still was a struggle for me years later. Just too expensive. But I would have never expected my parents to pay a ticket for me.


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## tacoma

richie33 said:


> 18 years old is far from being a adult.


Depends on who you're asking.
Seems our culture can't decide when one becomes an adult.
Understandable.




> I live in NYC I don't know any 18 year old who could afford a $2,000 one bedroom. I joined the military at 17 so I was more equipped when I was discharged but it still was a struggle for me years later. Just too expensive. But I would have never expected my parents to pay a ticket for me.


You do realize you chose the most outragiously overpriced geographical area for rental you could find in this entire country right?

As an 18 year old I couldn't afford the $600.00 a month rent for a two bedroom here on the sunny gulf coast.
I and a roommate had little trouble with it though.


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## that_girl

Yea. 18 is an adult, legally. And I'll be damned if I will enable my adult children. 

18 and college --- mom will help out. 

18 and working full time and paying a going rate for your bedroom and helping for food, and getting your own expenses? Awesome.

18 and sitting on your ass all day pretending to be 15? GTFO.

A going rate for a room here is 500 bucks. Apartments are from 1,000-1,500 for 2 bedrooms, depending. Get a roommate.

It won't be a great life at first. That's how it works. You work your way up. Kids these days think life is awesome from the get go. They feel entitled to a way of life that they simply don't want to work for. It's sad and unrealistic.

Time for a wake up call for these kiddos.


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## FryFish

Where do you live that a room costs 500 bucks? Expensive city.


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## tacoma

I charged my eldest $300.00 a month before I kicked him out.

I set it aside (when he paid it) for when he actually did move out on his own.

He didn't know I was stashing it for him while he lived here though.


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## that_girl

haha expensive? Yep. I'm in the Valley in Southern California. We pay for the awesomeness that is California.


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## nevergveup

Well have they had it to easy from the time they where little?
Do they help out with chores?Do you ever show them all the bills 
to run a house?Both of my kids 21 and 24 both work and pay 
room and board.

They pay about 20% off there weekly pay.They also
pay there own cell phone bills.If my wife needs extra money they give it to her.They know nothing is free and they are happy
and responsible.


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## Hope1964

If my kids spent their lives living in the basement, not working, and generally being a leach, then maybe I'd consider kicking them out. My oldest had a bad break up right after high school and needed to be able to take it easy for awhile - no way was I gonna kick him out - he'd have been lost. He needed support, not to have his life ripped out from under him. It took him about a year, then he was fine. If I'd just abandoned him, he wouldn't be where he is today - apprenticing to be a chef, taking a trip to Hong Kong for competitions, taking classes, living with a workmate, and buying a car  My other son is in a similar position right now - he moved out at 20, after taking a couple of years to figure out what he wanted to do too.

My daughter moved out with her boyfriend a year ago, then they moved back with us in Sept, then broke up in Dec. She works part time but is looking for fulltime, and wants desperately to move out. What good would kicking her out do?? She just turned 19 - I don't particularly want her living on the street.

My door will always be open for my kids. Hubby and I were just talking last night about renovating the basement into a living suite, in the event a parent or a kid ends up living with us, or a niece or nephew or something. I fail to understand the mindset of people who just tell their kids to get the hell out because they're a certain age. If you've raised them right they shouldn't WANT to live there with you forever. And if circumstances are such that they need to, why not??

People mature at different rates, and just because someone is 18 doesn't mean they're even necessarily ready to be on their own. Especially the way schools coddle kids nowadays - heaven forbid that they FAIL a kid, it might damage their delicate self esteem  Talk about not preparing them for the real world. My kids really benefited from a year off after high school. Let them get themselves deprogrammed


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## Mavash.

Hope honestly I don't have a timeline but I'm not going to pay their way while they "play" all day. They need to be in school or being otherwise productive in their lives. At some point they do need to go.


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## joe kidd

My 20 yr old pays $150 a mo. She is hardly here and when she is she is asleep. She has nowhere else to go and her rent will be raised soon.


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## Tigger

kittykatz said:


> :iagree: I agree with this completely. If you think YOU have it bad, listen to this. My parents have 4 kids, and I am the only girl. I have 2 older brothers (about to turn 31 and 33 years old in March) and the other one is 20.


I really feel sorry for any girls they rope into marrying them. They will probably expect them to cater and coddle them.


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## turnera

Oh good grief.


BehrsBabyPooh said:


> They both pay rent, but a very little amount, they have no expenses, as neither of them has a car or drives, they both do not have drivers licenses.


Raise the rent. If they don't pay it, pack their stuff and set it out for the trash.



BehrsBabyPooh said:


> In our home it was a rule that you had to have good grades and a part time job in order take driving lessons and be able to pay for the driving school and car insurance too. So neither of the kids got their drivers licenses.


Not your problem.



BehrsBabyPooh said:


> One just wants to skateboard all day and night and keeps getting tickets for not wearing a helmet, these tickets are not cheap, the last one was over $250.00 ! But he still refuses to wear a helmet! He is an adult so i cannot tell him to wear a helmet


No. But you CAN refuse to pay his tickets and let him get arrested when he gets a warrant for not paying his tickets.



BehrsBabyPooh said:


> The other one chose to go to a community college several cities away from our city, even though we live within a short walk to a very good accredited community college. And now wakes up late and bugs me for a ride to the bus stop


And you give her a ride...WHY?

No offense, Pooh, but you are an enabler, you raised spoiled brats, and you STILL are too scared of upsetting your widdle babies that you can't act like their PARENT and give them a swift kick in the ass.


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## Wiltshireman

Trying to do right by our kids is a hard act to pull off. We know we need to help / nurture them but we must also equip them with the life skills they will need to become well rounded self sufficient adults. Drawing the line is a personal thing and will depend on your / your children’s financial position. For me I would not keep them rent free for more than six months unless they were in full time education / training .

I left home and joined the Military at 16 so my parents did not have this problem. In fact I was paying a stipend to my Mum for the next 10+ years. I can’t see any of mine being able to do that. I did stay with my Dad for 6 months after I came out of the Navy and I was paying him a third of my take home (after tax / pension) pay. More than it cost him to keep me but less than what it would have cost to keep myself.


Housing prices in the UK are stupidly high. In London you will pay a minimum of £540 ($810) a month for a room in a shared house. It is cheaper out in Wiltshire but still £350 ($525) a month both those would be plus bills. A youngster would have to be working full time to pay anywhere near that as the youth (under 21) minimum wage is only £4.98 ($7.50) P/H.

We have said to our kids that they can live rent free with us whilst they are still in full time education (min 17 over here) and as both of my daughters want to go on to further education I have accepted that they will be with us until 21 / 22. At that point they will have to start paying their way either with us or out in the big wide world.


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## turnera

That's my rule, too. You are in full-time college or part-time college AND a part-time job, and you can stay here. And both college AND job must be in good standing. If not, you get one month to get your act together and get out.

btw, mine is going for a PhD and might be getting that here in town, so she may be living with us til she's 30, unless she meets someone and gets married. But once she gets that degree, she'll be out-earning me. I'm happy to do that.

Look, it's your job to teach your kids how to be healthy, happy, responsible adults. It is NOT your job to make their life easy. That actually HURTS them. So they're unhappy with you for making life tough; so what? Do you want a bum of a son who thinks you're da bomb but is still taking your home and your money at 32, or do you want a son who respects you and is out working a great job, married, having grandkids for you at 32? This is up to YOU, ok? You have the power to undo your urge to spoonfeed your kids and finally teach them to be responsible adults. Will you?


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