# Am I just that type?



## concerned gal (Sep 14, 2011)

Hello all – Just interested in finding out what type of woman men cheat on or vice versa. With my situation my boyfriend was married and treated his wife like gold. She is very confident, a positive person and sometimes can just be a plain old *****. His squeeze on the side is also very confident and a *****.

Me on the other hand. Can be confident but have always had trust issues. More so with him but I am insecure, paranoid, not always positive, a bit of a pessimist and not trusting (the trusting is for good reason though with him).

My question is this. Did I force him into the arms of another woman? If I were more positive and secure/confident would he be less likely to stray? Or is this just engraved in him? 

I want to add that I have been VERY good to him. I’m attractive, I cook, clean, help with his children, am a blast to be with so not sure why he would stray other than the fact that I’m not a total *****.

Is there a reason that men leave for *****es? I’m thinking that maybe if I step up my game and show more confidence and respect myself more that he’d stop cheating, etc.

This is a guy that when we first started dating I pretty much had him in the palm of my hand. He would cry if I were ten minutes late from work. Now the tables are turned and he’s totally different. I’m just a confused gal as my name reflects.

Hoping for thoughts from all of you! Thanks!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

There is no type of girl men cheat on. It's all him.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Has nothing to do with you. It's who HE IS. 

Reminds me... 

There is a indian legend, That tells a story of a boy on a mountain...

A Indian boy started to go up to the top of a mountain in search of his vision. And as he climbed up the mountain, the air got cooler and cooler. And he came upon a snake laying in the path. The snake was shivering, and said to the boy. "Please help me. I can't move, I am so cold that I can no longer make it any further down the mountain."

The boy said to the snake "No way! You're a snake, if I pick you up, you'll bite me!" The snake replied. "No, no I won't, I promise I won't bite you if you'll only pick me up and help get me down the mountain."

So the young boy picked up the snake, put him in his shirt, and continued climbing to the top of the mountain in search of his vision. When he got back down to the bottom of the mountain, he reached in, took out the snake, and the snake bit the young boy.

The boy replied to the snake "Hey! You bit me, you said that if I'd help you out, that you wouldn't bite me!"

The snake replied "But you knew what I was when you picked me up!"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There is another thread on TAM here called "What kind of Women get cheated on" you can look to for more info.

Re: "did I force him into the arms of another woman?" Unless you pushed him into her arms and made him cheat, then no. I doubt you did that.

You say you have insecurity issues. I can tell you that is a major turn off for men and women alike. If you have no confidence, it's not attractive. Now, if your insecurities ttemmed from him being unfaithful and lying to you, that is one thing. If you however were insecure before and constantly accusing/questioning him, then yes--it's likely that made him thing you were a cling-on and not emotionally healthy. Nobody wants to be in a relationship like that. It's exhausting.

Question: did he cheat on his first wife with you? Were you the "other woman" in his first marriage?


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

All of the affair is on him. However that comment about him eating out of your hand could have been what you hanged him. I know my wife controlled me for years and manipulated me taking advantage of my kindness and love. I got tired of that crap, only took twelve years, and she does not mistake my kindness for weakness. She always tells me she gets it now and she wont take advantage if I am overly nice again. She misses those times and sees how she got greedy and screwed up. Too late for that. I never cheated but the resentment was incredible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## concerned gal (Sep 14, 2011)

I had trust issues with him from the get go because he told me that he cheated on all of his ex girlfriends with the exception of his wife. Then noticed he called an ex behind my back and had her lie to me. That's where my insecurity with him stemmed from. I've always had trust issues with men but with him it was the worst.

He did not cheat on his wife. He was not with her so no I was not the other woman in his marriage. 

If he is turned off by my insecurity then he is most likely cheating.

Can I turn this around by being confident, etc.?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I will say it is strange that he cheated on all the exes, but the ex wife, and then did it again. Onlybecause it seems mor elogical he'd not have cheated on his first relationship and then cheated in subsequen t onces. Make sense? 

Anyway, it's not you dear. it's him. Sounds like out of all the relationships he's had, there was only one he didn't cheat in. And that one still ended in divorce. Did he say why they split?? 

You can't "turn" anything around -- that's up to him. I can tell you that the Doormat Approach does not work in any circumstance ever.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He is a serial cheater. Cheaters are also liars so it's very likely he did cheat on his wife, but has decided to lie about it even to you.

In your case, the trust issues sound like you gut telling you the truth. The only issue was you not trusting your own gut. Listen to your gut.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## concerned gal (Sep 14, 2011)

Jellybeans - they ended in divorce because she cheated on him and he got physical with her. She had an affair and wound up leaving him for the other guy.

Now I must say that I know her and we talk. She is very in love and secure with herself. I wonder if he did cheat on her as well but she just didn't notice/pay attention or was not on the look out like I am? 

So a 180 approach will not help? I'm just thinking of all options before I crush myself and have to walk away. I want to make sure I'm not making a mistake.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It is possible h3e cheated on her but didn't tell you, like Shaggy said, Either way, no matter.
He is actively cheating on you. What is the status of your relationship? Have either of you filed separation/divorce?

You cannot do anything that will "make" him give up the sidepiece. Don't forget that. He has to want to on his own. Sounds like he is the perfect candidate for the Peter Pan syndrome.

Remember, the 180 is for you, NEVER for the spouse. 

Check it out--if he's cheating on you & won't end it, you deserve better. Why do you want to cling to someone who is so blatantly disrespecting you?


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## concerned gal (Sep 14, 2011)

Jellybeans we are not married. Live together. 

What is Peter Pan syndrome? lol..sorry!

I don't want to hold on but I don't know what is going on. Did you read my other post about the perfume smell on his neck and shoulder but nowhere else? This is what's throwing me off guard.

If he were intimate wouldn't that smell be all over his chest, etc.?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

cg- you are just driving yourself crazy right now. All you're doing is speculating and bouncing from thinking the worst to trying to justify that it's nothing

you need to investigate properly

put a keylogger on the computer
put spyware on his phone 
put a VAR in his car
put a gps in the car (may also be on his phone or spyware you put on)


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

concerned gal said:


> What is Peter Pan syndrome? lol..sorry!


Psychological condition. Perpetual immaturity.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

concerned gal said:


> Jellybeans we are not married. Live together.


Even better. Tell this fool to leave. You will not live in an open relationship. Goodbye, adios. farewell. 

Get tested for STDs.


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## concerned gal (Sep 14, 2011)

Jellybeans - It's SO hard for me to walk from him. I've never been so in love with someone. He's everything I ever wanted besides the suspicious activities. He has so much control over me. I am not going to lie. I'm over consumed with this relationship. It's all I think about. I can't focus. I'm so afraid he will leave me for someone else.

I know this is all so irrational but it's truly the way I feel. I'm in a panic because he's acting distant and now the perfume smell, etc. I guess I have so much pride as well. It would KILL me if he left me for someone else.

I would start questioning why? Is it because she's secure and confident and/or a *****? Or what? Like I mentioned before. I'm very attractive, fun loving, have a great job and am wonderful to him and his family/children, am a great lover, etc. so I just don't get it.

I'm having anxiety and panic over it all. It's just not fair. I need a miracle to get strength.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

"He has so much control over me " 

That's only because you are allowing him to have "so much control" over you.

Do you have hardcore proof that he's cheating? Or is it just suspicion? Stop "fearing" he will leave you for someone else. Fear is a useless emotion that keeps people from facing reality. If you had TRUE pride you would realize when to cut your losses. Real pride means not clinging to someone who is cheating on you!

Whther she is "secure and confident" does not matter. What matters is that if he's cheating on you he's being a pvssy instead of owning it and just cuctting it off with you.

What makes you think something is wrong with YOU? The problem is him! Girl, you need to wake up and smell the coffee!


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## concerned gal (Sep 14, 2011)

I don't have hard core proof. The perfume smell in the crotch of his boxers and now the perfume smell on the top corner of his shirt and neck. 

I don't get why he wouldn't cut it off with me? Maybe afraid to hurt me? Wants his cake and eat it to? 

Just feel like if I were more secure and confident/positive and didn't question so much he wouldn't have strayed or be straying.

It's hard not to take it personal.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

concerned gal said:


> I'm very attractive, fun loving, have a great job and am wonderful to him and his family/children, am a great lover, etc. so I just don't get it.


Neither do I?

How can you say the things you wrote above and yet it sounds like you have zero self esteem??


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Neither do I?
> 
> How can you say the things you wrote above and yet it sounds like you have zero self esteem??



Is it due to the fact the man you love has betrayed you? Pit, I believe both of us could post most, if not all, of the qualities she posted here. I know my self-esteem, and probably yours as well, hit rock-bottom with our wives' affairs. It's one thing to know your positive qualities in your head. It's quite another to take them to heart, especially when someone you love basically tells you that you are a piece of garbage to be tossed away.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

concerned gal said:


> I don't have hard core proof. The perfume smell in the crotch of his boxers and now the perfume smell on the top corner of his shirt and neck.


You need to get hardcore proof. One's gut is usually right BUT you need proof before you start accusing. Hav eyou called him out on it? Do you know the alleged OW? Get a VAR and a keylogger. Why do I feel like I've typed this to you before in another thread...?



concerned gal said:


> I don't get why he wouldn't cut it off with me? Maybe afraid to hurt me? *Wants his cake and eat it to? *


Answer: The bolded part.

Most cheaters stay awhile having their primary relationship and the sidepiece. Why? Cause they know cheating is wrong and they want to weigh their options before deciding to cut off the sidepiece and/or cut off the primary relationship. They want the best of both worlds: cake, ice cream, sex.

Oh I forgot to ask: has he been unfaithful in th epast?? I feel like I'm having de ja vu with these questions...I feel like I asked you that before and you said yes, that was unfaithful before. Yes or No?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ah, yes. De ja vu mystery solved:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/31641-am-i-paranoid.html

My advice is the same: get proof, if he's cheating, dump him. You said he cheated on you in the past.


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## concerned gal (Sep 14, 2011)

Jellybeans - If in fact he is cheating, is there a way to bring him back to my side? To want to stop and just be with me? This is why I ask if I step it up, etc. Show him a different side? Or is that pointless? Do I stay as I am?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No, the only way to bring him back is if he wants to come back.

WHY do you want to be with someone who needs to be convinced to be with you??? 

NOTHING you do will make him want to do anything. Do you understand that? He either wants to be committed to you and stop cheating or he does not. 

You trying to convince him is NOT the answer.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> Is it due to the fact the man you love has betrayed you? Pit, I believe both of us could post most, if not all, of the qualities she posted here. I know my self-esteem, and probably yours as well, hit rock-bottom with our wives' affairs. It's one thing to know your positive qualities in your head. It's quite another to take them to heart, especially when someone you love basically tells you that you are a piece of garbage to be tossed away.


Hard for me to draw parallels between the two. 

I guess I could understand. 

I mean I certainly understand the initial shock and devistation of finding out my *cough* "good girl" wife and the mother of my child was having a 2 year long affair with one of my friends... That was certainly a swift kick in the nuts and brought me to my knees.

But, it does sound like her reaction is part of what she considers her "type".... I don't know...

Concerned Gal... prior to him, did you ever have self esteem issues / codependency in relationships?

I'm thinking outloud here and curious.

ps. I am sorry for your pain.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah I was just going to say something about the 'self-esteem.' Nearly every post Concerned has made has been self-depracating. 

Were you insecure/jealous before all of this? Or was this brought on by his initial unfaithfulness???


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## concerned gal (Sep 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Yeah I was just going to say something about the 'self-esteem.' Nearly every post Concerned has made has been self-depracating.
> 
> Were you insecure/jealous before all of this? Or was this brought on by his initial unfaithfulness???


Hi again - I've always had paranoia issues. Trust issues come from being cheated on in the past. I was engaged to a wonderful man and trusted him whole heartedly. Unfortunately, I fell out of love with him. I then got in another dysfunctional relationship and after the break up worked on myself and life was good, then I met him and all down hill. 

Do you think I have issues? Or is it him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

concerned gal said:


> Hi again - I've always had paranoia issues. Trust issues come from being cheated on in the past. I was engaged to a wonderful man and trusted him whole heartedly. Unfortunately, I fell out of love with him.


First, your statement of "unfortuneately"... That WILL happen in every relationship you ever have. Being "in love" eg; falling IN or OUT of it is a chemical reaction, being "in" love as you put it is not sustainable. Ever. Mature love, real love is a choice. Its a commitment. If your expectation is to feel the way you obviously feel right now about your significant other forever is your hope. Your set up for disappointment.



concerned gal said:


> I then got in another dysfunctional relationship and after the break up worked on myself and life was good, then I met him and all down hill.
> 
> Do you think I have issues? Or is it him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, I suspect he has serious issues. But, this is not about assigning fault really. It's not who's issues are to "blame" for whats happening. But whether he has "issues" or not essentialy doesn't matter. He is the only one who can do anything about his own issues. That's his choice alone. Your choice about his issues is simple. Are you willing to tolerate them? That's really your only choice there. Simple... stay/go? "yeah/ no?".

But, what you should focus on is your own issues which it sounds like are also significant. Thats where you can effect HUGE change in your life. By changing your life, by default everything around you changes. The way you see the world, the way the world sees you, etc... That's the key. 

You may find, that you are trapped in a cycle which will not break itself, you have to make the choice to break it. Only by changing yourself, your expections and recognizing this patern are you going to break it. People tend to attract and become attracted to the same type of people over and over... It's a very strange, "law" of the universe. lol. 

ANyway, just circle back for a second... You said "fell out of love with him"... what happened? You mentioned you had been cheated on in the past... but in my experience when someone says "I fell out of love with" it's usually a rationalization for something they did themselves... usually cheating. Have you or did you cheat? Maybe just a quick misread on my part... but Reading your reply crossed some wires in my head and I'd like to offer whatever insight or advice I can... but I need to understand.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Concerned--you both have issues. You have your trust issues as a direct result of him being unfaithful and sketchy in the past. That has undoubtedly made you jump and with good concern. Your ex fiance also cheated so that is also laced into your life story. However, don't let these experiences overwhelm you and seep into new relationships. 

You said you've always had paranoia issues--did you have these BEFORE your fiance and this dude or is it the RESULT of what happened with them?

Do you have any idea who the OW you suspect is?

Oh and... your guy has his own issues. If he cheated in the past and is cheating again it means he did not learn his lesson and/or is not committed to the relationship enough. That problem lies within him, not you.

You falling out of love with your ex fiance makes sense if he betrayed you or hurt you.


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## concerned gal (Sep 14, 2011)

Pit of my stomach - I did cheat on my ex fiance as a result of falling out of love with him. I moved on to the man that I cheated with and it was somewhat dysfunctional. Then I was single for a bit. Started feeling better about myself and now I'm in this huge mess. I was cheated on by my boyfriend before my fiance.

Jellybeans - I have always been sort of paranoid. Since I was younger. It's definitely worse with him. Him telling me that he cheated on all ex girlfriends of course I think helped with that.

Yes, I do suspect. The thing is there have been a few so it's one of 3 woman or all 3 woman. Two of them are very opposite of me. The one is older (12 years than him), the other is a totally different nationality wise and I'm going to say ghetto. I know her as she has a baby with my cousin and the third is spanish like me (similar features).

So if he's not committed enough is it me? He used to seem and be so committed and now this complete turn around. I think I mentioned he used to be extremely insecure with me, etc. Overprotective, jealous and now he's completely turned that around. Not overprotective or jealous anymore. Doesn't seem to really care.

It's just all so hard to take in. I'm finding myself in panic and having anxiety. I'm just heart broken and sad. Feeling not good enough.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

WHY DO YOU KEP ASKING IF IT's YOU????

Seriously, stop. It's ridiculous! If he's a cheater, it's his problem, not yours. 

Get some counselling to figure out why your self-esteem is so low that you think someone's bad behavior is a result of who/how you are.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

concerned gal said:


> Feeling not good enough.


Yes, this is a common feeling, I believe. I have felt it. However, if you take a few steps back from your situation and look at it objectively, you will see more clearly that the cheating partner is the one that is not good enough. Move on. Find better. You are good enough. Not only good enough for this man that can't make up his mind, but good enough for a better man that will be fully committed to you.


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