# Partner of 5 years (8 years friendship) left me for someone else



## pushingthrough77 (Jul 17, 2021)

Hi guys... first time posting here, so a bit nervous - but would appreciate some support. (Sorry if this is long)

Me (30m) and my partner (32m) had a loving, perfect relationship for 5 years and knew each other for 8. We've been living together for 4 of those years, and there were no real issues. At the start of 2020 I lost my career due to the pandemic and struggled a bit emotionally because of this. Things were slowly improving until he returned back to his home country for a couple of months over the holidays and, when returning, everything started to fall apart.

He came back suddenly very concerned about our future. Suddenly he wasn't sure if he wanted to live in the UK, whether he wanted to move back to his home country permanently, said how he never wanted to get married and a lot of other issues. He claimed he could be asexual, he stated he wanted a child in exactly 5 years, that it had to be his biologically, and other very sudden demands. I had previously agreed to most of these, but under the stress of my life falling apart financially said that I couldn't commit to having a child in 5 years, and it may have to be more 7 or 8. He disagreed. We broke up.

The breakdown basically came down to him wanting a child in 5 years exactly, but also wanting to move back to Italy permanently to be close to his family. He said he loved me, but didn't want to "lead me on" because he realised he wanted to go back home and didn't see his future life here anymore.

It was all very sudden and hard. This was my soulmate, the only guy I had ever loved. It hit me hard.

I eventually tried to convince myself that it must have been for the best, as he clearly had his life set out and I didn't fit in and I can understand how he misses his family. However, we also live together and (being unemployed) I had nowhere to go. I tried my best to keep the friendship going as I still loved him and he was my best best best friend - I wanted to try and save SOMEthing from the previous 5 years and not have it all go to waste, for my own sanity. He claimed there was no other guys, and I believed him and trusted him. In my mind he was still apparently 'asexual' and the only reason we broke up really was for him to go to Italy to be close to his family.

Fast forward 5 months... we are still being friends but I still have a lot of open feelings for him, and I'm still very confused about the breakup in general. It seemed all so sudden and I had suspicions. One day he left his PC on and I snooped (which I know is wrong, but my gut had a dreadful feeling). He had been speaking to a number of guys and planning to meet/date them (in my country AND his) since before we broke up - but one guy in particular, from his home country, he had been texting/sexting/voice calling daily for almost 3 months before we broke up. We're talking DAILY. Daily sexting, daily texting... more than we EVER spoke.

I was devastated. The next time he went to Italy (last month) I approached him over facetime. He claimed they were all just 'friends with benefits' and meant nothing. That they were just attention and validation and sex. I then asked... is he planning to meet this Italian guy that he's been speaking too daily, since before we broke up, on this trip. He said "maybe".

I was devastated. I told him that I couldn't be his friend if he was going to keep speaking too and physically meeting the guy he was speaking too (suspiciously) since before we broke up. I, pitifully, begged for him to choose an 8 year friendship and relationship with me over this guy he's known for 6 months. He chose the guy.

Over the last month of him in Italy I had a lot of time to self reflect. I watched a lot of Coach Craig's videos on youtube (a psychotherapist who has a lot of free information on personalities and psychology which is extremely useful btw), and was able to see a lot of my mistakes, as well as his mistakes and the reasons behind them. He is very avoidant, naturally, and has always had commitment issues in regards to marriage due to his upbringing. I could see a lot of my faults, and how I would often push him away too. When he came back... I gave it one final chance.

I told him how we had a great relationship for 5 years, and a fantastic friendship for 8 - but we let a bunch of miscommunication of life-panic during Corona destroy our relationship over 2 weeks of whatsapps in January. How he was having a panic because he could move back to Italy for the first time so it made him question his life here, and I was in a panic due to corona destroying my career and finances. How we both panicked and it led to us getting nowhere - but now with a bit of space and time it is possible to save this as we both DO want the same things in life, and it did work so wonderfully for 5 years. How there's a lot of baggage now, but it IS possible to save the relationship if he wants to work for it. I owed up to all my mistakes, and if he could do the same we could save this...if he was willing to fight...

He told me Italy was the main reason we broke up, but also that he just didn't love me - and that he doesn't know if he EVER did, or if it was just 'lust'. He met the Italian guy over the trip and spent a lot of time with him and went on a lot of dates. He claimed they were still just 'friends with benefits' but have a deep connection. He said they're not planning on being boyfriends (which... I mean, come on. They text daily for 8 months at this point, have met up, gone on physical dates, slept together... they're literally boyfriends in everything but name), and that he wasn't the main reason we broke up but it helped fuel his decision. He is still planning on moving to Italy, and is also going to be meeting all of the other guys he was speaking too - but the Italian guy is very, very special to him.

He tried to spin it on me a lot... how I was 'blackmailing' him by making him chose between this guy and myself, and how 'a true friend wouldn't ask me to choose'. I tried to explain I think it's very fair to tell someone they can't expect someone to remain their friend while they are with the guy they cheated on them with - but he couldn't see it. He showed no remorse and was very cruel and cold. He even said "breakups aren't fair"... as if I had cheated on HIM or done anything to make it not fair on his behalf.

Either way, I left with dignity. I told him that, while I don't believe he did this hurt intentionally and it was just the way his personality works and how his upbringing has led him to be - that he has hurt me a lot. I said I hope he finds happiness as the guy I loved... the good guy I was with for 5 years... I know he is still in there, somewhere, and he deserves goodness. I hope he grows, reflects on himself, and that he needs to go and do what makes him happy. I hope I will find happiness as well one day.

There's obviously a lot more to it as the story is rather complex at this stage... but I'm broken. I love this guy so strongly, and he's just turned so cold and nasty to me. One of the biggest issues I have right now is the 'mind movies'. Everytime I close my eyes I see him snuggled up in bed with this other guy, kissing him, having sex with him... it kills me. We still live together and I hear him talking to him, and smiling while he texts him.... and I just wish that was me he was talking too.

I think I'm just in shock. No relationship is perfect, but we had a very good thing for 5 years. I loved him dearly and we've gone through so much together - and now it's as if I never existed. I feel worthless, I've been completely replaced in the lowest point of my life ... and I just wish sometimes I didn't wake up.

He's leaving the house next week and I know I will never see him again - and it just hurts. It all came so out of nowhere, and in the cruellest way possible - and I love him very, very deeply. I want him back so much, and I miss the guy I was with... I feel like that kind man I was with for 5 years has died.

The hardest thing aside from the mind movies is knowing he won't miss me. On some of the messages I read to these guys he was saying how he can't wait until I'm out of the house/his life. He never missed his ex before me, and never cried or show any upset in our relationship. It's like he just switched off his love... and it hurts to know after 8 years of giving everything to someone, you mean literally nothing to them.

I'm so, so sorry for the length of this post. And I apologise if any bits are confusing as there's a lot to the story. Basically I'm crushed. I'm crying daily, I've lost over 2 stone in a month, and I can't eat. All I can think of is him with this other guy, and how meaningless I was to his life - yet still being madly in love with him and wanting my old life back.

I guess I would just love to have some guidance or advice. I'm waiting for counselling but the waiting list is very long, so I'm rather alone. The thought of him with someone else hurts, as well as the betrayal of knowing I mean literally nothing to him after 8 years...how someone can claim to love you and then be cheating on you behind your back at the same time. I feel like a failure... despite him moving out in the next week or so, I will also be moving back to my parents in 2 months. I am a single, unemployed (Apart from a temp job I'm on until November), 30 year old who is going to be living back with mum and dad. And while I think of him daily and have to live with this pain and regret... he is just living his life, carrying on with someone new... feeling loved, successful, attractive and happy.

He has moved on already entirely. I don't exist anymore in his eyes - he doesn't even look at any of my social media stories. I had my 30th birthday while he was gone and all I could think of was him, and how he should be here with me... meanwhile he was with this guy and all I got was two words. "Happy Birthday." I mean nothing to him - and he will carry on his life as normal. It hurts because I think a part of you always has that 'hope'... that when he moves out and I'm fully out of his life, he'll realise then that he loves me and misses me from the separation anxiety and realise what he threw away -- but he won't. I was just an object to him... an object that gave him validation attention and company. He never loved me, hence why he could move on so easily. Now, he gets that attention, validation and company from someone else WITHOUT the added stress of commitment and obligation that comes with a 5 year relationship. For someone who has always had commitment issues... it's a win win. He will never look back...but I always will. When he moves out he will never think of me again. I will no longer exist.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I would appreciate any help you guys can offer. I hope you all have a lovely day.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Ok, he’s gay. That is all. And what a hot mess he is, it’s nuts. You’re devastated sure, but you’ve been fooled and you will need to slap yourself hard. 

The other thing is, many European men, gay or heterosexual just don’t cope in relationships outside their countries. Europe is relaxed, responsibilities of everyday Western life are just too hard. The men value family and their roles as sons and brothers more than their roles as husbands. They just don’t cope outside that life.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Luckylucky said:


> Ok, he’s gay. That is all. And what a hot mess he is, it’s nuts. You’re devastated sure, but you’ve been fooled and you will need to slap yourself hard.
> 
> The other thing is, many European men, gay or heterosexual just don’t cope in relationships outside their countries. Europe is relaxed, responsibilities of everyday Western life are just too hard. The men value family and their roles as sons and brothers more than their roles as husbands. They just don’t cope outside that life.


I think the poster may also be gay, a guy.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Luckylucky said:


> The other thing is, many European men, gay or heterosexual just don’t cope in relationships outside their countries. *The men value family and their roles as sons and brothers more than their roles as husbands *


Well, I am a Southern European living in the UK. I would say I coped quite well in the last 30 years - apart from my marriage... 
That said, there is a bit of truth in what you are saying. We do tend to have a different approach to life, a different lifestyle. But the bolded - in my experience - is not true. We do value our family a lot, but not at the expense of our marriage.


----------



## pushingthrough77 (Jul 17, 2021)

Yes I am a gay male myself. And I am Europe based myself by the way (UK), although it is a very different culture compared to other European countries such as italy, yes.

He values family very highly, hence why going back to Italy IS something I believe as the main motive. He even has spoken about the potential of being a single father because he desperately wants to have a child before his father dies. Hence, why he was suddenly in such a rush and forced all of this onto me. Asking me to have his child in 5 years exactly when I don't even know what I'm doing next week right now due to my circumstances.

All of this came on, I believe, because the opportunity to work from home (hence the opportunity to work from Italy whilst maintaining his current role which he loves) entered his mind for the first time. And it made him think "ok well, if I can do this... I need to make sure OP (me) fits all of the things I want in life!" and that's when he came out with all these requirements. 

And then... he fell out of love with me, and mentally convinced himself he never loved me to make the move easier. To make it more justified.

He panicked. I panicked. We both panicked and in the span of 2 weeks we lost all miscommunication and it broke down - and now he's with someone else in Italy. He was too scared to be alone, so he kept me along as an object... something for validation, attention and company... until something else came along that gives him all of that without the constraints of commitment after 5 years, and the potential of not having all of his wishes met (having a kid in 7 years instead of 5 if we're not financially ready, for example). 

It just happened so fast... and to realise I was an object to him, and he probably felt stuck with me and was speaking to this guy behind my back to line him up... all while I thought we were happy... it just makes me sick and doubt everything.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

The monkey will not release the last branch until he has a firm hold on the next one.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@pushingthrough77 There's something lacking in him. Take one day at at time.

We'll be here for you.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sorry Dude. The pain is terrible, all of us who have been through it know. I will tell you this, don't be afraid, you will get through this and you will have joy again. It just takes time. For not mourn, but eventually you will have the summon the courage to have hope again. 

Your life is not over, your chance for happiness isn't either.


----------



## pushingthrough77 (Jul 17, 2021)

Thanks guys.. It's really hit me hard. I feel like a part of me has died and I'm suffocating. I can't stop thinking of him with someone else, that mental mind-movie of him in bed...
While also wishing it was me he was cuddling up too. Me he was texting. Etc. 
I just hate how he can inflict all of this pain onto me, ruin every day where I waste so much time just thinking and crying... meanwhile he can just go on and live happy. Never thinking of me again. It's so unjust and so unfair how people can cause so much trauma and hurt, and then be happy - and you're left picking up the pieces. I don't feel like I'm ever going to get over it?


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

pushingthrough77 said:


> Thanks guys.. It's really hit me hard. I feel like a part of me has died and I'm suffocating. I can't stop thinking of him with someone else, that mental mind-movie of him in bed...
> While also wishing it was me he was cuddling up too. Me he was texting. Etc.
> I just hate how he can inflict all of this pain onto me, ruin every day where I waste so much time just thinking and crying... meanwhile he can just go on and live happy. Never thinking of me again. It's so unjust and so unfair how people can cause so much trauma and hurt, and then be happy - and you're left picking up the pieces. I don't feel like I'm ever going to get over it?


You will... it hurts a lot because he double-played you... if he just broke-up with you, it would have been better, albeit still rather painful. It's the deceiving behaviour that hurts a lot.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Good morning, @pushingthrough77 here are some links that might be of help to you:-




__





Switchboard LGBT+ Helpline







switchboard.lgbt







https://lgbt.foundation/helpline?__cf_chl_jschl_tk__=pmd_93496adfcef854a7de3ec62b6784ea2f1b528aa6-1626773593-0-gqNtZGzNAc2jcnBszQii


----------



## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

It doesn't matter how you cut this bird. He will never be faithful to you. It's all a sham, anything out of his mouth will always be a lie, anything you believe will just be a lie. 

You need to find your back bone and move on. He betrayed you not only physically and emotionally but financially. That is 3 of the greatest betrayals you could ever imagine. He cared nothing for you and never will. You are like a dog turd he stepped on and is now scraping you off his shoe. 

Next allowing someone you love to have sex with other people is just pathetic. You have no respect for yourself and there lies the problem. 

I had a good friend, we worked together, ran around together, hunted together and I spent a lot of time with his family. 
One day he tells me, he is going to leave his wife for this 21 year old bar fly and wanted me to meet her. I told him that it was foolish but I met her for drinks and a night at the cabin. 
As things went about through the night, at one point Victor goes to the bathroom and Bar Fly slides over next to me, slides her hand onto my penis and tells me, before the night is over, I am going to f**k you. 

I kept my distance from her the rest of the evening. The next morning Victor and I was up on the roof patching a leak in the cabin and he asks me what I think of her. So I told him what she said and I told him his best deal was at home waiting for him. 

He left the roof without saying a word and a few minutes came back up, he said he asked her if that's what happened and she confirmed she did say it to me and wanted to have sex with me. He said thats ok, he can deal with it and he loves her. So if she wants to have sex with me then he is ok with it. 

As I said, pathetic 

Reminds me of a joke

Man and woman have been married for 40 years, childhood sweethearts. 
One morning wife shoves her husband out of bed and onto the floor. 
He yells at her, what was that for ?
She tells him, that is for 40 years of bad sex. 
He climbs back in bed and shoves her out of bed and onto the floor. 
She yells at him, what was that for. 
He looks in the eye and says, that is for knowing the difference. 

Stop meddling with other sex partners and you will not cloud your judgment. 

Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


----------

