# Just Too Different?



## s'mores (Feb 15, 2012)

I just had lunch with my wife. Every Tuesday the local store makes fresh tacos that my wife and I love and she usually texts me reminding me that it is taco day. I brought them home and had lunch with her. Kids were in school and she didn't have to watch her regular kids for daycare. It was just us and we talked about random things.

Then I brought up the TV show that came in the mail from Netflix to see if she wanted to watch an episode, and immediately her mood plummeted. I said I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, it was just a suggestion, but she said it already was a big deal and she was dreading watching it because she doesn't think she'll like it.

The show is Doctor Who and I have really gotten into it. In November I asked her what she thought of me putting it on Netflix and if she would like to try it out. She said I could, but I had to wait until after the first of the year when all the hectic holidays and birthdays were over. I pretty much counted the days until the new year, almost looking more forward to that than Christmas and my birthday which followed closely after.

Well, it is now the 20th and it has sat on the counter all month. She's either too tired or not in the right mood. She says she doesn't want to watch anything, but then wants to rent something. She knows that I won't make her watch it if she ends up not liking it, but she won't even try it. That really bugs me, especially when it is something that clearly matters so much to me.

So, naturally I assume that there is something else going on and I'm falling short somewhere. She did mention that more sugar (romance) would be nice last night when I said we were out of sugar. Yeah, more romance would be nice. I feel like whenever I try to be romantic at all, I am always pushed away. At best she smiles and seems to pretend to enjoy it to not make me feel bad, and at worst she complains about something. I've kind of learned over the years that I'm much more affectionate than she is, so I have just gradually dialed it back more and more until it almost isn't there.

I asked her for more specifics about romance (since she clearly doesn't like what I try) and she just said she wanted us to spend more time together doing things we don't always do (watching movies, watching our shows, playing on phones/tablets). I like the things we always do, but I'm up for trying other things. But she can never think of anything and never likes the things I suggest. And then she gets depressed and further discussion proves impossible because I can't talk to a wall.

We had one such discussion today. She said she's tired of movies because we watch them often and she doesn't like to stay up as late as I do. I rarely go to bed when she does. I can understand her wanting me to go to bed with her, but she always does housework and then goes right to bed and plays on her tablet. I usually help out, but when I really do a lot so we can have time to spend together, she keeps finding more things to do or just goes to bed. When I go to bed with her well before I'm tired, she just plays on her tablet and I just lay there. She always rejects any kind of sexual touching and usually just wants to scratch and rub each others' backs and then go to sleep. I can't work all day at work, come home and do housework until I go to bed and go to sleep every day. I need time to do enjoyable things, but any time I do is time spent away from her.

She finally said, "I just think it's hopeless, okay? Is that what you want to hear?" She ultimately said she thinks I'm only with her because I just don't want to be alone and that I need someone who wants to do everything I want to for me to be happy. I said that that wasn't true, she was assuming something about me that she can't know. I said being alone wouldn't be nearly bad enough for me to try to be in a relationship I wasn't happy in. I could be very happy alone. But I love her and the kids and I don't want to be without them and I don't want to lose her love, and that is worth fighting and trying for to make her happy and us happy. But I can't do it alone and it feels like I'm the only one that tries at all.

I didn't get anything else out of her and she just wanted me to go back to work. That's how almost every conversation like that goes and ends.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Why is it so important she watch the show with you? I have shows that H doesn't like, I watch them on my own. We have 1 or 2 we watch together and he watches his crap p) on his own. 

She might want you to take charge in planning and surprising her with a fun date*, not having to ask for direction. Is there something you used to do together when you first met that you enjoyed? 
*this means taking care of the babysitting arrangements too BTW


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I agree with SGC...why does she have to watch it with you? Why don't you just watch it on your own?

Hubby and I both have shows that we love that the other doesn't, we just watch them on our own...no biggie.


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## s'mores (Feb 15, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Why is it so important she watch the show with you? I have shows that H doesn't like, I watch them on my own. We have 1 or 2 we watch together and he watches his crap p) on his own.


I don't know why it is so important to me. Most shows we watch are ones we both like. She has 1 or 2 that I don't care about and I'll watch them on and off with her. She doesn't care if I watch them or not. I have several that she doesn't like (Hannibal being one) and I don't care if she watches them with me or not, because I know it is something she doesn't like. With those shows, it is like my private, individual side that likes them. But there are certain ones that I think she'll like and I want to share them with her. They are a part of me and it feels like I'm wanting to show her a part of myself and she doesn't even want to see it. She always wants me to watch new shows she is into to see if I'll like it, and I always do. She likes going to the rodeo and it is something I'm very much not into, but I enjoy going with her and enjoy the event as much as if it was one of my own interests when I'm with her.

When I was younger, in middle school and high school, I would write fictional stories and would make my parents, siblings, and siblings' friends read them aloud to me while I stood behind them. It was thoroughly enjoyable to me and they seemed to like it, too. My wife thinks that is absolutely ridiculous and controlling that I did that.



> She might want you to take charge in planning and surprising her with a fun date*, not having to ask for direction. Is there something you used to do together when you first met that you enjoyed?
> *this means taking care of the babysitting arrangements too BTW


Yep, which is something I'm admittedly bad at. She's much better at planning and making arrangements. When she didn't respond after I made several suggestions, I just said, "Do you want me to just plan everything and then let you know what's happening?" She said, "I don't care," in a very sad tone. When I asked about that is when she said she just thinks it is hopeless.

We used to have my sister babysit, but she has to watch her other niece every day and she never wants babysit ours anymore, or she does and then bails out. My parents want to, but they always work at night now. We have other options, but my wife is very particular about who she is okay with watching them. And it is hard for me to think of things to do because a lot of times they aren't something she would want to do. But she never knows what she wants to do. I don't know what she's into and according to her, neither does she.

As far as things we used to do together, we used to go to the theater a lot more often. We also used to go to the coast for the weekend more often, but she made a lot more money then and my parents were free to watch the kids more as well. We're doing a lot of the same things we've always done, she is just enjoying them less while I enjoy them the same.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

That's a lot of pressure for a TV show. What if she watches for 10 minutes, decides she doesn't like it and walks away? Are you going to be personally insulted? Feel like she's rejecting a part of you? Don't put too much into a show, if she feels any of that pressure it's just going to be more of a chore and test. TV should be fun!

As for dates, it's hard to tell. You know her better. I still think setting up some kind of fun date is a good idea. Something where she doesn't have to tell you to, you just want to and know her enough to do it. I'm sure you planned some dates before marrying her? Showed up at her door with flowers and a plan for the night? Don't stop those things just because you're married. What are her emotional needs?


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## s'mores (Feb 15, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> That's a lot of pressure for a TV show. What if she watches for 10 minutes, decides she doesn't like it and walks away? Are you going to be personally insulted? Feel like she's rejecting a part of you? Don't put too much into a show, if she feels any of that pressure it's just going to be more of a chore and test. TV should be fun!


I agree TV should be fun. There have been several movies or shows I wanted to show her and she watched the beginning and decided she didn't like it and I was just happy she tried it and didn't feel a need to try to get her to watch it anymore. This particular show I really think she'll like and I've told her so. She has never seen it and admitted she only knows as much about it as the little I've mentioned, which is hardly anything. She just doesn't like the name of it and the fact that it is British. I wouldn't have even put it on if she didn't want me to. That's why I asked beforehand. I know it should be fun, but it is something I identify with. It is a huge letdown to me, whether it should be or not. I really got my hopes up. I never count the days for anything, but I was for this. If she mentioned, even a little bit, that she would like if I watched something with her, I would watch it even if I didn't normally like it. And I would probably like it because she does. I watch all the chick flicks she likes. I offer to do all kinds of things if she will watch them, but it just makes it worse.



> As for dates, it's hard to tell. You know her better. I still think setting up some kind of fun date is a good idea. Something where she doesn't have to tell you to, you just want to and know her enough to do it. I'm sure you planned some dates before marrying her? Showed up at her door with flowers and a plan for the night? Don't stop those things just because you're married. What are her emotional needs?


I agree a date is sorely needed and I plan on doing so. Our dates while dating was her coming to my house or us going to a movie. She had moved out of her ex's house and was staying with her daughter in a 5th wheel on her grandparents' property. I come home with flowers sometimes, but she wants a rose bush now. She promises not to let this one die, lol.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I've been told I'd like that show, from my son and some family and of course netflix itself keeps telling me that based on the stuff I watch I should try it but I'll get around to it one day, when I want. 
If I felt pressured into it or begged to watch, it would ruin it for me. I might even get a little rebellious and not want to watch it just because it was turned into such a big thing.

A show H wanted me to see, breaking bad, I ended up loving. He watched the first season on his own and after seeing how much he liked it and some things he said he re-watched it with me when I wanted to. Is that an option? 

The whole "I would like it because she does" that's fine for you, it's not a realistic expectation for everyone.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

s'mores said:


> This particular show I really think she'll like and I've told her so. She has never seen it and admitted she only knows as much about it as the little I've mentioned, which is hardly anything. She just doesn't like the name of it and the fact that it is British. ... It is a huge letdown to me, whether it should be or not.


How old are you, and how long have you been married? So what if you really think she'll like it? She doesn't want to watch it. I get the feeling you are disappointed about something more than this show. And it sounds like you have something emotionally invested in this particular one. I'm sorry, but I don't see why you don't watch it, enjoy it, and let it go.

I think this has more to do with whether or not she watches a show you really like. You seem to be taking it personally that she isn't interested. 



s'mores said:


> If she mentioned, even a little bit, that she would like if I watched something with her, I would watch it even if I didn't normally like it. And I would probably like it because she does. I watch all the chick flicks she likes.


What I'm hearing here is you go out of your way to please her, so you feel annoyed/frustrated/resentful that she isn't willing to watch your show - or even try to - to please you. 

I hate to break this to you, but marriage isn't always quid pro quo. (To put that in plain English, "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.")

Watch the show. Enjoy it. Don't go out of your way to watch something she likes if you don't like it. 

Something to consider.


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## s'mores (Feb 15, 2012)

Heh, if I felt pressured into watching something, I'd probably watch it sooner to see what all the fuss was about. I have not seen Breaking Bad and I don't understand what all the hype is about and it doesn't sound interesting to me at all. I even have a slightly negative view toward it, based on nothing. If my wife wanted to watch it, I'd be right there ready to watch. Her opinions matter to me. I love her and I express that through sharing in her interests as much as I can. That's the main way I receive love as well. I don't doubt she loves me, but I don't see much expression of it other than making me food and wanting to spend time with me, which seems more out of boredom than anything.

But I can understand not wanting to be pressured into something. I get rebellious about other things like that.

Having her watch it with me when she wanted would definitely be an option. It was the original question and request. Is it okay if I put this on Netflix? Will you watch it with me? Yeah? Okay, when do you want it to arrive here? And I made sure to put all my other movies at the bottom so only ones she put on were on top for a while. It was just that I did what she asked, and then she kept putting it off and finally said to just return it. She said she was going to return it the other day but she forgot it when she went out. And then just bringing it up turned into a whole discussion about our relationship and romance and how she thinks I'm in the relationship for the wrong reasons because I wasn't really interested in her on our first date and I was just tired of being alone. Somehow that trumps everything I've done since then.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

s'mores said:


> Heh, if I felt pressured into watching something, I'd probably watch it sooner to see what all the fuss was about.


That's fine, but that's how YOU operate. She doesn't. 



s'mores said:


> If my wife wanted to watch it, I'd be right there ready to watch. Her opinions matter to me. I love her and I express that through sharing in her interests as much as I can. That's the main way I receive love as well. I don't doubt she loves me, but I don't see much expression of it other than making me food and wanting to spend time with me, which seems more out of boredom than anything.


Ah, yes. This is about a great deal more than her disinterest in watching a show you so eagerly want to watch. I can hear the resentment in what you are writing.

Consider this: Don't sacrifice for her, even if your motivation is love. Step back for awhile and enjoy what you want to do merely because you enjoy it. Leave her out of the equation. 

So your wife seems to spend time with you out of boredom? Again, a lot more here than watching a show.

And you are fully aware of this.



s'mores said:


> ... just bringing it up turned into a whole discussion about our relationship and romance and how she thinks I'm in the relationship for the wrong reasons because I wasn't really interested in her on our first date and I was just tired of being alone. Somehow that trumps everything I've done since then.


Wow. ^^ THIS. ^^

Lots of resentment going both ways via passive-aggressive games. 

You guys have much deeper problems on your plate than who wants to watch what on Netflix.

And your convoluted discussion on the show? Denial of what is a much deeper issue running through the veins of your marriage.

I don't know how old you are or how long you have been married.

But both of you sound like you have resentment and feelings of unmet needs going in both directions.

Seriously.


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## s'mores (Feb 15, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> How old are you, and how long have you been married?


32 and married for 4 years.



> I think this has more to do with whether or not she watches a show you really like. You seem to be taking it personally that she isn't interested.


You know, I think a big part of it is that we don't have a lot of interests in common and I feel a strong urge to find more things to do with each other or we'll just be living our own separate lives and that, to me, is no different than living alone.

When left to our own devices, we're often doing different things. I'm on the computer modding video games and she's playing on her tablet or doing housework. She gets bored with that and either wants to go out to eat (with the kids) and spend a bunch of money we don't really have, or she doesn't know what to suggest. Her main interest is horses because she grew up around them. We aren't anywhere close to being able to afford a horse or have a place to keep one.

There are many movies we both like. There are a handful she likes that I don't. There are many I like that she doesn't. Besides movies, there aren't many interests we have in common. I want to feel closer to her. I feel close to people when I do things with them. Really, that's the only way I do. The only way I can do that is to do things with her she likes and for her to do things with me that I like. I have already figured out which of my interests she likes, so whenever I come across something new, whether it be a movie, show, or something else, I always assess whether it would be something I could enjoy with her. I watch a new show always trying to see if it was something she would like. Doctor Who was no exception. I watched it and figured I had found another thing for us to enjoy together. When she rejected it, especially without knowing much about it, it was like she was rejecting my efforts to find more opportunities to do things together, like she doesn't want to try. I did all the work of finding something. (I know that last sentence is silly, but it kind of feels true) All she has to do is see if she likes it. If not, no big deal. It's just another of my interests, but I have enough.



Prodigal said:


> You guys have much deeper problems on your plate than who wants to watch what on Netflix.
> 
> And your convoluted discussion on the show? Denial of what is a much deeper issue running through the veins of your marriage.


Yep and yep. I didn't know the talk was going to turn to that, but I am fully aware of the issues. There isn't any denial that I know of, just lots of avoiding talking about the elephant in the room. I would love to talk about it, but she never wants to and always gets upset even at the very beginning and it can never progress further than that unless it is me just saying a bunch of thoughts and her listening and waiting for me to be done so she can do something else.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Can you make a list of a bunch of fun and cheap things to do outside? Pack a picnic, go on a sleigh ride, etc. 

I like being home, watching movies and shows but sometimes I just want to go out because I'm bored of the same routine, sometimes I'm just sick of cooking and cleaning or I need some fun bonding time as a family. If I got the suggestion for more tv and movies it would be way off the mark of what I was needing. If she wants to go out don't look at her rejecting the show as not wanting to spend time together. 

Can going out as a family be put higher priority on the budget? There might be places you can cut back on if it's a big need for her.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Here's a tip: you're just not going to find many women who enjoy Dr. Who. It's just one of those unwritten rules of the universe. So give that a rest.

But yeah, there are deeper problems here.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

s'mores said:


> ... I am fully aware of the issues. There isn't any denial that I know of, just *lots of avoiding talking about the elephant in the room*. I would love to talk about it, but she never wants to and always gets upset even at the very beginning and it can never progress further than that unless it is me just saying a bunch of thoughts and her listening and waiting for me to be done so she can do something else.


Okay. Let's cut to the chase here. You contend there isn't any denial you know of. But there is "lots of avoiding talking about the elephant in the room." Dear man, THAT is denial/avoidance.

So your wife "always gets upset" when you bring up the subject. Something to consider: she is using her emotions to control you, the discussion, and the situation.

I lived with this for a long, long time. You have to decide it you want to keep beating your head against a brick wall. You say you are saying what you feel, but she isn't hearing you; she simply appears to be listening. 

Serious, serious problems here. You don't want her to just listen, you want her to hear you.

Please sit down and quietly decide by yourself what you can tolerate. Because right now, my friend, you don't have much of a marriage. It sounds like you have a wife who merely tolerates you.

And take an honest look at yourself. What have you done to contribute to this? Own what you need to own before you start checking out her problems. In other words, take your own inventory first.

Then decide how to proceed. Seriously.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I guess when it all comes down to it you have to make a decision on how important this is going to be to you. I don't really even know what DR Who is but I know it's a sci fi show. 

I try and put myself in your shoes and my equivalent would be football. I'm a diehard fan ofthe NFL and during the months of sep-feb I watch a lot of it or ESPN about it. I don't ever expect my GF to watch every minute of it with me but If she refused to watch any of it or go to the games with me then that would be a big chunk of our weekend I'm different rooms. So yeah it is important to me that my SO has some interest in this with me. I doubt I could be with somoone who doesn't care at all.

OP do you have room to negotiate here. Do something she likes and uo don't and have her return this favor?


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

s'mores said:


> I just had lunch with my wife. Every Tuesday the local store makes fresh tacos that my wife and I love and she usually texts me reminding me that it is taco day. I brought them home and had lunch with her. Kids were in school and she didn't have to watch her regular kids for daycare. It was just us and we talked about random things.
> 
> Then I brought up the TV show that came in the mail from Netflix to see if she wanted to watch an episode, and immediately her mood plummeted. I said I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, it was just a suggestion, but she said it already was a big deal and she was dreading watching it because she doesn't think she'll like it.
> 
> ...


OP

This sounds like it took some time to develop.

There is a movie that might just flip a switch or two for BOTH of you. It's not filled with superstars, it' corny and is a low budget film, but if you watch it as sort of a "lesson", it is more than tolerable. I promise that you will both have takeaways from it!

The movie is "Fireproof", starring Kirk Cameron

You just might think about watching it (either together or alone).


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## Bridge (Dec 27, 2013)

Does she enjoy sci-fi, or anything close to Dr. Who? You do sound disconnected... how did you meet?


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Dr Who hails from a bygone era where - like Oz's wicked witch, Chitty's childcatcher and countless Disney villains - it was OK to scare the bejeezuz out of kids.

Sometime in the 80's that all but disappeared. I suspect do-gooders fretting about 'traumatising' the little tykes and the threat of real-life, government childsnatchers looming over any parents 'abusive' enough to let their kids watch.

Whatever the real reason,, ghosts and monsters became bumbling objects of ridicule to a degree that kids resorted to fighting turtles and Transformers for a hint of excitement.

When I heard they were revamping Dr. Who I was unmoved. It was a safe bet that it'd be a shadow of its former self plus some CGI. Not even top creators, scriptwriters, the UK's (arguably) best actor and a massive BBC budget convinced me it'd appeal to anyone over the age of 7.

I avoided the first couple of episodes but was off work for the 3rd or 4th one - "Dalek." My mate talked me into watching it with him.

The updated theme tune alone was as scary as any Black Sabbath riff. They've changed it again since and it's lost some tribal menace.

Daleks were never that scary but made up for it with violent sociopathy. This one was on its own and captive. No tameness here - the Doctor mocks and tortures it. Rose (who doesn't appreciate how dangerous it is) touches it and brings it fully to life. It breaks free and starts 'exterminating' anyone who gets in its way - as a Dalek should.

The longstanding 'joke' that you can escape a Dalek by going upstairs is vanquished on screen.
The denouement brought a tear to my eye. 

It was fookin' fantastic. I immediately borrowed the previous episodes. Top telly.

Any show with different 'monsters' each week is gonna be hit or miss but even the weaker episodes of the first revamped series are good.

The gas-mask zombies of that same series had adults hiding behind sofas. Next series, the stone angels of the 'Blink' episode did the same.

I rarely watch episodic TV. Twin Peaks, Inspector Morse, Life On Mars covers the few shows I've watched all of. I've no particular passion for sci-fi either.

There is no show that everyone will like but Dr Who is about as good as it gets for kids and adults alike. Genuine family viewing.

Can't offer any relationship advice beyond what's been given already but Dr Who will bring some light into the darkness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Dr. Who fan here.

Your wife needs to develop some interests and come up with some suggestions for activities for the two of you. She can't expect you to always carry the entertainment burden of the relationship. She can't even expect you to read her mind as she has no ideas.

You reference 'kids' but don't say their ages. Could she have post partum depression?

Watch your show by yourself where she can view it. Maybe she'll open her mind & discover something that does interest her. If not, who cares. She sounds like a bore.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Geez, if I had to sit through all of my hb's tv shows or we didn't spend time together we'd have split up long ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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