# Need a womans advice...so lost...



## sunshine099 (May 12, 2015)

Ok, so my husband and I have been married for 2 years now. We have a great marriage, spend time together, have passion etc. We really do not have big issues in our marriage besides the fact I am VERY negative and insecure about his past. Soon after we met, he eventually told me about his past....he cheated on an ex wife 3 times. He expressed his reasons as to why he cheated, and that was that. I honestly felt secure. Since we have been married, its like a switch turned on and I'm constantly insecure thinking he will do it to me. He gives me NO reason to think like this, other than the fact I think about his past. He doesn't lack in giving me attention or anything. I just feel helpless because I can't let go of negative thoughts. I feel like I can't trust him completely because if I do, then that's when I will get extremely hurt for letting my guard down. I just want to learn how to let go of the past, and what he has told me, and just to be secure knowing this is NEW life we have together. Does anyone know what I'm going through, and do you have advice? I don't want to let this negativity cause a wedge between my husband and I. Thanks in advance...


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Do you talk to him about this(hopefully not every day)?

Perhaps you could see if he would go to counseling with you.

If you find the right counselor (but look around), you may find help to have better communication in your marriage.

If he is willing to be transparent, and help build the trust and honestly not cheated on you, it could be a different relationship.

But it is not a healthy relationship if every day you are wondering if he is cheating on you. After my wife's A, I thought about her cheating every day. I still do not trust her. But I am working on detaching (use the 180). I work on myself and getting back my self-esteem. I will not stay if someday I do not feel like I am being a detective every day.

I try to exercise more, which it does help. 

He may or may not cheat on you, but I have determined my course for the future. Work on yourself and if you do find any cheating, be ready to end the relationship right away. But do not spend the rest of your life wondering and worrying about what he may do. (But also do not be blind if you are able to find out that he has or is cheating on you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

sunshine099 said:


> Ok, so my husband and I have been married for 2 years now. We have a great marriage, spend time together, have passion etc. We really do not have big issues in our marriage besides the fact I am VERY negative and insecure about his past. Soon after we met, he eventually told me about his past....he cheated on an ex wife 3 times. He expressed his reasons as to why he cheated, and that was that. I honestly felt secure. Since we have been married, its like a switch turned on and I'm constantly insecure thinking he will do it to me. He gives me NO reason to think like this, other than the fact I think about his past. He doesn't lack in giving me attention or anything. I just feel helpless because I can't let go of negative thoughts. I feel like I can't trust him completely because if I do, then that's when I will get extremely hurt for letting my guard down. I just want to learn how to let go of the past, and what he has told me, and just to be secure knowing this is NEW life we have together. Does anyone know what I'm going through, and do you have advice? I don't want to let this negativity cause a wedge between my husband and I. Thanks in advance...


Actions speak louder than words. Is or has your H done anything(while married to you) that would lead you to believe he is up to something?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

What were the "reasons" he gave you for cheating on his ex wife?

Did he get caught or confess?


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Ever heard of a self fulfilling prophesy? 

You either need to trust your gut or get counseling to overcome issues on your part.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Three different women, or three times with the sam women? It makes a difference I think. You don't accidentally fall into three separate affairs without you having issues yourself.

The only reason a spouse cheats is because they think they can get away with it and that lies and deceit are a part of relationships. The circumstance can enable but it does not cause it. 

However, the fact he told you this seems to suggest he wants to this marriage to be different--assuming it was not intended to make you feel insecure. 

If you have reason to really suspect him, trust but verify and don't say anything to him of your suspicions. If it really is just your anxiety, then the best course would be to talk to him and ask why he is different now. It does not have to be a confrontational thing.


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## sunshine099 (May 12, 2015)

It was with 3 different women. He said only one of them he actually had a sexual relationship with. He said his ex wife found messages between him and one of the women. So i guess he didn't come clean about any of those affairs, just got caught sending messages back and forth. Yes, i have talked to him about my thoughts, etc. He just reassures me that he is truly in love with me and only me. He blames his past affairs on getting married for the wrong reasons, not being truly in love with his ex, etc. He says its different now, and he has never felt this way about any woman. My childhood was very rocky, i grew up with tons of trust issues. I sort of feel that its not really HIM i dont trust....i must just have deep rooted trust issues that are coming to light now. If that makes sense.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

sunshine099 said:


> It was with 3 different women. He said only one of them he actually had a sexual relationship with. He said his ex wife found messages between him and one of the women. So i guess he didn't come clean about any of those affairs, just got caught sending messages back and forth. Yes, i have talked to him about my thoughts, etc. He just reassures me that he is truly in love with me and only me. He blames his past affairs on getting married for the wrong reasons, not being truly in love with his ex, etc. He says its different now, and he has never felt this way about any woman. My childhood was very rocky, i grew up with tons of trust issues. I sort of feel that its not really HIM i dont trust....i must just have deep rooted trust issues that are coming to light now. If that makes sense.


Sorry to say but I think he has a problem. 

Is cheating really a function of how he feels about you? How does that make you feel?

Let's try some rhetorical devices.

Where you are now:

"I won't cheat on you because I love you"​
Stated differently:

"My fidelity to you is conditional on how I feel for you"​
What about when you have a bad year in your marriage? And everyone has rough spots...


Compare to:

"I killed him because I hate him"​
The morality of killing is determined by how I feel about someone.

AND

"I think the bank cheated me so I vandalized my car before they repo'd it"​
Stated differently:

"If I feel like I was not treated fairly, theft and vandalism are my moral right"​

The only thing that prevents infidelity is a morality that excludes it.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

The more you think about his cheating on his ex wife the more you are going to get negative and insecure about it. I wouldn't think about it or talk about it, just enjoy your marriage.


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Ever heard of a self fulfilling prophesy?
> 
> You either need to trust your gut or get counseling to overcome issues on your part.


Exactly. If you continue to harbor these insecurity, it will make you act in ways that make your fears come true. So, be careful. Deal with those feelings before they deal with you.

On the issue...

There are 2 reasons people cheat...

It's either they're "Dedicated Cheaters": People who cheat for the fun of it. Or they're unhappy.

For him to have opened up to you, i doubt he's a dedicated cheater. I also feel he wants to start up in a clean slate with you.

So trust him. It's for your own good.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

He won't necessarily cheat on you because he cheated on his ex wife or because he's many other women. I've know a number of both men and women that have cheated on a former spouse but not the current spouse. The best you can hope for in any marriage is to do right by your spouse, and keep the romance going. They don't come with warranties but they are most always replaceable.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

So it was three different women, one physical, wife caught him. How long were they married? What were the excuses errr reasons he gave for cheating on his wife? How old was he then and how old was he now?

Edit to add/ I just read the reasons he gave. Seems like the usual run of the mill excuses.



_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling. Soon.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sunshine099 said:


> Ok, so my husband and I have been married for 2 years now. We have a great marriage, spend time together, have passion etc. We really do not have big issues in our marriage besides the fact I am VERY negative and insecure about his past. Soon after we met, he eventually told me about his past....he cheated on an ex wife 3 times. He expressed his reasons as to why he cheated, and that was that. I honestly felt secure. Since we have been married, its like a switch turned on and *I'm constantly insecure thinking he will do it to me. He gives me NO reason to think like this*, other than the fact I think about his past. He doesn't lack in giving me attention or anything. I just feel helpless because I can't let go of negative thoughts. I feel like I can't trust him completely because if I do, then that's when I will get extremely hurt for letting my guard down. I just want to learn how to let go of the past, and what he has told me, and just to be secure knowing this is NEW life we have together. Does anyone know what I'm going through, and do you have advice? I don't want to let this negativity cause a wedge between my husband and I. Thanks in advance...


Call me cynical, but I don't quite believe this.

Is he being transparent w/ his electronic devices (phone, tablet, computer, etc), social media and e-mail accounts, etc?

Stepping outside to make or take calls? Taking his phone w/ him to the bathroom? Sleeping w/ his phone?

Is there an abundance of time either before or after work for which he can't account?

Any mystery spending?

Excessive mileage on his vehicle?

Anything?


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

If it really is affecting you that bad than for your own sanity go into 007 mode.

Buy a VAR place it underneath his car seat, with Velcro, and start discreetly monitoring his whereabouts and phone use.

If say in two weeks you discover nothing out of the ordinary than put an end to the snooping and show him some trust.

If you feel you cant do that than seek some individual counselling


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

How old are you and your husband? Did you know that he was a cheater before you got married?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

People with insecurity and low self-esteem can sabotage relationships by expecting the thing that will ruin it, thereby getting the terrible thing out of the way. It's basically putting yourself out of your misery. You believe that you don't deserve something, so you work to bring on whatever disaster you think will inevitably take it away from you.

This is often the case with people with abandonment issues. They know they will be abandoned, so they push people away.

That being said, given your H's history, you should be vigilant, but in a healthy way. What you are doing now is not healthy. I second the advice for counseling for you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> How old are you and your husband? Did you know that he was a cheater before you got married?


Sounds like it...



sunshine099 said:


> Ok, so my husband and I have been married for 2 years now. We have a great marriage, spend time together, have passion etc. We really do not have big issues in our marriage besides the fact I am VERY negative and insecure about his past. *Soon after we met, he eventually told me about his past....he cheated on an ex wife 3 times. He expressed his reasons as to why he cheated, and that was that. I honestly felt secure.* Since we have been married, its like a switch turned on and I'm constantly insecure thinking he will do it to me. He gives me NO reason to think like this, other than the fact I think about his past. He doesn't lack in giving me attention or anything. I just feel helpless because I can't let go of negative thoughts. I feel like I can't trust him completely because if I do, then that's when I will get extremely hurt for letting my guard down. I just want to learn how to let go of the past, and what he has told me, and just to be secure knowing this is NEW life we have together. Does anyone know what I'm going through, and do you have advice? I don't want to let this negativity cause a wedge between my husband and I. Thanks in advance...


Weird, huh?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

@Sunshine99

Lots of contradictory stuff in this thread for you. The thing is, is none of it is wrong, but it is all right in its own frame of reference. None of us can tell you for sure. Also, as it happens, most people here have been betrayed so we are very cautious and frankly unforgiving. 

What is remarkable to me about this thread is the capacity for a long ago betrayal to continue to hurt the people around this man. It is like a curse. If people want a selfish reason to not cheat, here is a good one. It eventually gets to the people you really do care about.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

People can change, but his fidelity to you should not be based on his feelings. In time those feelings of being 'in love' will pass then what happens? There are two separate issues here:

1. you are insecure and this will not help the marriage, get counselling for yourself

2. His ability to be faithful. You are in the marriage, so I would say try not to think about it. take one day at a time and enjoy each other. You cannot change anything by worrying but by being insecure and suspicious you may well have an impact on your relationship. Give him the benefit of the doubt for now, but be wise.


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