# My Husband of 12 yrs thinks I trapped him into Marriage



## lovher (7 mo ago)

My husband thinks I trapped him into marriage and has started to act very angry, aggressive and mean towards me. He stopped dating me even before covid....blames me for ever wrong thing.... He says if i didnt give him kids so early he could do more. I got pregnant my last year of college and I graduated with my baby #1 in the stroller and #2 in the oven. It wasn't planned but I feel so guilty now because he is so unhappy. He has changed a lot specially towards me since we met in high school. I am also diagnosing him as a Narcissists' which I started to learn about after I caught him cheating last year. I dont want to breaak up my family but he is making it impossible to keep it together. He brings up things i did 15 yrs ago over and over again. Its like a bad dream happening over and over. Its why I joined. I have never cheated on him and i treat him way better because of my faith but I no longer want to feel like a dog or a rug. 

happy to hear you guys thoughts


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

He is rewriting the history of your relationship to justify his cheating.


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## lovher (7 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> He is rewriting the history of your relationship to justify his cheating.


I thought so too its just so hurtful and I didn't want to believe it


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It sounds as if you and the children would be safer and happier away from this aggressive cheater.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Is he still cheating?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

lovher said:


> I caught him cheating





lovher said:


> blames me for ever wrong thing....


Cheater's Handbook, Chapter 4, "Blame-Shifting". Get away. Get your children away. Lose this turkey. I'm not a psychologist, I really don't know what a "Narcissist" is.... however, I have been the cheater's victim, and I know that to a cheater, the only person in the whole entire world is HIMSELF. He doesn't care about you, he doesn't care about his kids, he doesn't even care about God.
And, they only rarely ever change. 

Dog and a rug will be all you ever are to him.



lovher said:


> I feel so guilty now because he is so unhappy.


Your guilt is quite false. You are not responsible for his happiness, nor for his unhappiness. He is. When I was the cheater's victim, we had a christian counselor who replied to me when I made a similar statement to yours..... He picked up his Bible, looked at me, and said .....".....based upon THIS (bible)...do you really think that anyone living the life your wife is will be happy ?......"


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You won't be breaking up your family. He did that by cheating. 

Since you are a person of faith talk to your spiritual advisor & pray for strength & wisdom Also see my other answer in your intro thread.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

So you got pregnant all by yourself? He didn't play a part in it? Immaculate conception!

I'm being sarcastic. It takes two to tango. It's on him as much as it's on you. Don't let him tell you otherwise.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

There are support groups to help you figure out how to end your marriage, safely. It sounds like he’s aggressive as you say, emotionally abusive, and you’ve mentioned he has a history of cheating on you. You don’t have to tolerate this type of behavior in your marriage. He sounds like he’s still cheating and is upset that you and the kids are an “obstacle.” Please seek local support groups that can help you and get some legal advice. If you were to say you want to divorce him, I’m not sure what he might do - he could pretend that he’s sorry and may change for a few months so you don’t leave or he could get more aggressive.

Make sure you have a plan so you’re not blindsided by something he may do. You shouldn’t feel guilty about “getting pregnant,” he played a key role in it.

Be safe and start looking at ways to enable yourself to be ready to leave if you choose that path. Sorry you’re here, though.😞


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

lovher said:


> I got pregnant my last year of college and I graduated with my baby #1 in the stroller and #2 in the oven. It wasn't planned but I feel so guilty now because he is so unhappy.


He was fully engaged in making the babies, "unplanned" wasn't unusual when I was in college. Everyone knew that unprotected sex could very easily result in a bundle of joy 9 months later. Surely he was old enough to know how they are conceived. No reason you should feel guilty, so lose the guilt.

Unhappy people gonna be unhappy, he is mainly unhappy trying to submerge HIS guilt for being such a lousy excuse for a husband and father.


lovher said:


> I have never cheated on him and i treat him way better because of my faith but *I no longer want to feel like a dog or a rug*.


You need to take charge of your own life. You can only be disrespected if you allow it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You didn't get pregnant by yourself honey, those babies are as much on him as on you. If he's so miserable why doesn't he just leave? 

Kick him to the kerb and move on with your beautiful babies.


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## lovher (7 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> It sounds as if you and the children would be safer and happier away from this aggressive cheater.


Thank you


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## lovher (7 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Is he still cheating?


He says no but I just dont know what to believe anymore. He hasnt been going out as much but he is watching me more smh annoying


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## lovher (7 mo ago)

frusdil said:


> You didn't get pregnant by yourself honey, those babies are as much on him as on you. If he's so miserable why doesn't he just leave?
> 
> Kick him to the kerb and move on with your beautiful babies.


awww thank you so much


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## lovher (7 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> He was fully engaged in making the babies, "unplanned" wasn't unusual when I was in college. Everyone knew that unprotected sex could very easily result in a bundle of joy 9 months later. Surely he was old enough to know how they are conceived. No reason you should feel guilty, so lose the guilt.
> 
> Unhappy people gonna be unhappy, he is mainly unhappy trying to submerge HIS guilt for being such a lousy excuse for a husband and father.
> 
> You need to take charge of your own life. You can only be disrespected if you allow it.


This is why I have been so down because you are so right


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## lovher (7 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> He was fully engaged in making the babies, "unplanned" wasn't unusual when I was in college. Everyone knew that unprotected sex could very easily result in a bundle of joy 9 months later. Surely he was old enough to know how they are conceived. No reason you should feel guilty, so lose the guilt.
> 
> Unhappy people gonna be unhappy, he is mainly unhappy trying to submerge HIS guilt for being such a lousy excuse for a husband and father.
> 
> You need to take charge of your own life. You can only be disrespected if you allow it.


Thank you... so true


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## lovher (7 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> There are support groups to help you figure out how to end your marriage, safely. It sounds like he’s aggressive as you say, emotionally abusive, and you’ve mentioned he has a history of cheating on you. You don’t have to tolerate this type of behavior in your marriage. He sounds like he’s still cheating and is upset that you and the kids are an “obstacle.” Please seek local support groups that can help you and get some legal advice. If you were to say you want to divorce him, I’m not sure what he might do - he could pretend that he’s sorry and may change for a few months so you don’t leave or he could get more aggressive.
> 
> Make sure you have a plan so you’re not blindsided by something he may do. You shouldn’t feel guilty about “getting pregnant,” he played a key role in it.
> 
> Be safe and start looking at ways to enable yourself to be ready to leave if you choose that path. Sorry you’re here, though.😞


This was so helpful and hard to read because you are so right. I was lead here to really start the process of thinking and making different/ healthier decisions ....especially for my kids. Thank you for your kind words and advise!


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## lovher (7 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> So you got pregnant all by yourself? He didn't play a part in it? Immaculate conception!
> 
> I'm being sarcastic. It takes two to tango. It's on him as much as it's on you. Don't let him tell you otherwise.


lol thanks ... a good laugh was needed


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## lovher (7 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> You won't be breaking up your family. He did that by cheating.
> 
> Since you are a person of faith talk to your spiritual advisor & pray for strength & wisdom Also see my other answer in your intro thread.


ok I will. thank you!


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## lovher (7 mo ago)

TJW said:


> Cheater's Handbook, Chapter 4, "Blame-Shifting". Get away. Get your children away. Lose this turkey. I'm not a psychologist, I really don't know what a "Narcissist" is.... however, I have been the cheater's victim, and I know that to a cheater, the only person in the whole entire world is HIMSELF. He doesn't care about you, he doesn't care about his kids, he doesn't even care about God.
> And, they only rarely ever change.
> 
> Dog and a rug will be all you ever are to him.
> ...


Wow this really hit home in a lot of ways. You just don't understand how much I have been thinking about what you said especially about the Narcissist aspect. I had to get stronger mentally and spiritually to live each day with this mess. so thank you for your time and for sharing your experience. It is so hard when you do everything you can and the cheater says ITS NOT ENOUGH smh...


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## lovher (7 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Is he still cheating?


He says no but I have other feelings


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It doesn’t benefit cheaters to tell the truth so they don’t.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

@lovher If you have good friends or family who can help, draw close to them for support. Dealing with this stuff alone is more than most can manage.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

lovher said:


> I had to get stronger mentally and spiritually to live each day with this mess.


You do have to get stronger but once you do, hopefully you will realize that you do not have to put up with this. If he's still cheating, dump his sorry butt. If you foolishly want to stay get meaningful marriage counseling to foster change


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

lovher said:


> Wow this really hit home in a lot of ways. You just don't understand how much I have been thinking about what you said especially about the Narcissist aspect. I had to get stronger mentally and spiritually to live each day with this mess. so thank you for your time and for sharing your experience. It is so hard when you do everything you can and the cheater says ITS NOT ENOUGH smh...


Everyone from serial killers to people who don’t return their shopping cats in the supermarket parking lot are being called narcissists these days and only a tiny few have an actual personality disorder.

bad behavior is rarely a disease but usually bad character.

that being said, things like hyper criticism, unexplained and undeserved anger, rages and just always being mad and critical of one’s partner actually is a hallmark sign of cheating.

It’s very common for a WS to see their new squeeze as their one Twu Wuv and that the mean ol’ spouse and family are the ones keeping them from happiness and fulfillment. 

in it tends to manifest a little more as chronic criticism and ongoing resentment, and in men it can manifest more towards the anger and rages end of the spectrum.

But in both men and women, an ongoing sense of never doing anything right and being angry/resentful all the time is every bit as much of a sign of cheating as the ol’ lipstick on the collar or finding hotel receipts etc


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He is acting like a child who does not get his way.

He is resentful, yet should be thankful that ANYONE thinks highly of him.

Throw him back in.
Not in the sea, rather in the _not-see_.

It is in the _Great Western Basin_, it lies below 'see' level.

He surely will drown.
He flips, the cad, the cod flounders, he protests too much.

A mouth breather he be.

No good woman will rescue him.
You are a good woman, chuck him over the bulwarks.



_Nemesis-_


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## lovher (7 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> @lovher If you have good friends or family who can help, draw close to them for support. Dealing with this stuff alone is more than most can manage.


 I have been so embarrassed i have stayed away from family and friends. However I just started reaching out because I cant take it anymore. Thank you!


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Getting your support system -- family & friends -- back in place is a positive step.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

lovher said:


> I have been so embarrassed i have stayed away from family and friends. However I just started reaching out because I cant take it anymore. Thank you!


You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Friends and family are what you need now.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Some 50% of marriages fail, and those couples, reach down and uncouple.

You are not one of the few, nay, you are one of the many.

What hath come apart, can one day again, join all parts anew.

Yes, with some person new.



_The Typist-_


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

lovher said:


> _*He has changed a lot specially towards me since we met in high school. I am also diagnosing him as a Narcissists' which I started to learn about after I caught him cheating last year. I dont want to breaak up my family but he is making it impossible to keep it together. He brings up things i did 15 yrs ago over and over again. Its like a bad dream happening over and over. Its why I joined. I have never cheated on him and i treat him way better because of my faith but I no longer want to feel like a dog or a rug.*_


Jeez, is there a person on any message board who DOESN'T "diagnose" their spouse as a 'Narcissist' whenever that person starts acting in a way the OP doesn't like or approve? OP, unless you're a qualified medical professional, save the silly diagnoses for someone who IS a qualified medical professional.

He's simply a CHEATER, that doesn't automatically make him disordered. It just makes him an ass-hole who tries to justify his rotten behavior by blaming YOU for making him so miserable. And like a lot of cheaters, he's rewriting history; *lots *of cheaters do this - it's very very common. Suddenly, they've been miserable since day #1, suddenly they never wanted to be married at all, suddenly YOU'RE the one who forced them to get married and forced them to have kids and stole their freedom and on and on and on and on. Sound familiar?

But why on earth are you so DESPERATELY doing the "Pick me!" dance trying to hold onto this POS when he continues to **** all over you day after day after day?????

Where is your *DIGNITY*?


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## Kendahke (Sep 28, 2020)

lovher said:


> I thought so too its just so hurtful and I didn't want to believe it


There comes a time, for the sake of not only self preservation, but the preservation of your children's respect for you as they get older, you'd be best serve by divorcing yourself of the notion of not wanting to believe a bald faced truth, falling out in experience at your feet, about your husband. 

He cheated on you most likely to punish you for producing children (yes, we all know he was 50% responsible for that, but we're not talking about our state of mind here) and messing up his fantasy of what he thought his life would turn out to be. Driving you away to do all the dirty work of preserving the marriage or filing for divorce is the agenda here.

Who/what ever he was when you were in high school? he ain't that guy anymore and he doesn't view you as that woman anymore. THAT is your starting point. Stop feeding a fantasy of what/who you wished he'd be. That's not your reality anymore.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So, your so-called husband who is in his early thirties has figured out that he isn't going to be the next Bill Gates or Bezos or even the POTUS. Boo-hoo! He's decided that since he's just an everyday working stiff that he may as well act like a jerk while he's at it. Give this fella exactly what he wants - his freedom and free yourself of your dark cloud. 

You life will be so much better without him around.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

lovher said:


> I thought so too its just so hurtful and I didn't want to believe it


Denial is a temporary comfort zone.
go online and check your phone bill. It may help you to wake up.


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## Long Road (7 mo ago)

Just to ask,....
Before the meltdowns how often were you two having sex? Did he start looking because it was not happening at home?


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## lovher (7 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Jeez, is there a person on any message board who DOESN'T "diagnose" their spouse as a 'Narcissist' whenever that person starts acting in a way the OP doesn't like or approve? OP, unless you're a qualified medical professional, save the silly diagnoses for someone who IS a qualified medical professional.
> 
> He's simply a CHEATER, that doesn't automatically make him disordered. It just makes him an ass-hole who tries to justify his rotten behavior by blaming YOU for making him so miserable. And like a lot of cheaters, he's rewriting history; *lots *of cheaters do this - it's very very common. Suddenly, they've been miserable since day #1, suddenly they never wanted to be married at all, suddenly YOU'RE the one who forced them to get married and forced them to have kids and stole their freedom and on and on and on and on. Sound familiar?
> 
> ...


I used the word NARC to paint a picture........WHERE is my ....? you ask LOST Under so much s*** I cannot explain. I am here to back up what I already feel. Which is to get me and kids into a healthier situation. Im not a DOC But I know him 19 yrs. This is not easy to say or DIAGNOSIS. Gaslighting, love bombing and discarding. His NARC games will begin as soon as I make a move. SO Where is the DIGNITY ?? I am Building it back. Brick by Brick.


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## lovher (7 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> @lovher If you have good friends or family who can help, draw close to them for support. Dealing with this stuff alone is more than most can manage.


 I have been so ashamed to tell them about what i have been accepting. I am still working on building my confidence and strength back.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Building your confidence & strength back up is a great first step.


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## lovher (7 mo ago)

Long Road said:


> Just to ask,....
> Before the meltdowns how often were you two having sex? Did he start looking because it was not happening at home?


At least 4-5 times weekly before arguments now maybe 2-3 times


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## lovher (7 mo ago)

Long Road said:


> Just to ask,....
> Before the meltdowns how often were you two having sex? Did he start looking because it was not happening at home?


No he cannot hear no to sex .. 4-5 times before the arguments 2-3 on a good week now


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## lovher (7 mo ago)

Blondilocks said:


> So, your so-called husband who is in his early thirties has figured out that he isn't going to be the next Bill Gates or Bezos or even the POTUS. Boo-hoo! He's decided that since he's just an everyday working stiff that he may as well act like a jerk while he's at it. Give this fella exactly what he wants - his freedom and free yourself of your dark cloud.
> 
> You life will be so much better without him around.


lol lol Thank you @Blondilocks This made me laugh so hard because those are people he looks up too. Constanlty trying to make me feel bad because if we did not have kids, or if I did not "trap him" he would be one of them. It is totally crap and I know it but it just hurts to hear him speak this way after so many years.


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## lovher (7 mo ago)

Kendahke said:


> There comes a time, for the sake of not only self preservation, but the preservation of your children's respect for you as they get older, you'd be best serve by divorcing yourself of the notion of not wanting to believe a bald faced truth, falling out in experience at your feet, about your husband.
> 
> He cheated on you most likely to punish you for producing children (yes, we all know he was 50% responsible for that, but we're not talking about our state of mind here) and messing up his fantasy of what he thought his life would turn out to be. Driving you away to do all the dirty work of preserving the marriage or filing for divorce is the agenda here.
> 
> Who/what ever he was when you were in high school? he ain't that guy anymore and he doesn't view you as that woman anymore. THAT is your starting point. Stop feeding a fantasy of what/who you wished he'd be. That's not your reality anymore.


I have had the phrase self preservation in my mind this entire week. he has started to see the changes. I because of childhood neglect and abandonment issue I have taken to long to accept the truth and now Im trying not to feel stupid for my choices. He is very far away from the dream man i use to have but then again he was never really a dream more of a day nightmare so it never looked so bad until the mask came completely off.


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## lovher (7 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Denial is a temporary comfort zone.
> go online and check your phone bill. It may help you to wake up.


i check his phone instead


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

lovher said:


> i check his phone instead


Most delete anything incriminating. The phone bill gives you call and text history. Unless they are using an app.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You only need to know enough for you. Actions tell you what you need.
Being a marriage warden is a worthless task.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

lovher said:


> No he cannot hear no to sex .. 4-5 times before the arguments 2-3 on a good week now


Cut him off all together. I don't understand how you can be intimate with the asshole. Tell him no and when he complains remind him that forcing himself on you will result in a rape charge.


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## lovher (7 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Most delete anything incriminating. The phone bill gives you call and text history. Unless they are using an app.


thank you


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