# Hello



## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

Hello

I found this site some time ago but just recently started digging deeper. I am here because of marriage issues. I'm 50, my wife is soon to be 48. We grew up together in a small town of 30-50 people on the edge of nowhere. We were not really high school sweethearts. I was a jerk, brat, mean kid. Didn't have much to do with here until I was 20. We started seeing each other at parties or driving around drinking. Drinking was the main form of entertainment and not really frowned on at the time. We "dated" for 11 years, and have been married for 29. It was not a story book romance and had its share of questioning thoughts, arguments, and some infidelity... Thought we were on a path when I found some emails that rocked my world. Hopefully my journey can find some help and answers from this site...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Hi Ruffneckred, you are in the right place to get some help and feedback.
Marriages often hit a wall in the later stages of life.

You mentioned infidelity, could you elaborate, was that your infidelity in the past and now she is cheating? Tell us a bit more.
Are you still together, what is in the mails? Does she know you know?


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

As a stickler for accuracy, your math does not add up.


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

manwithnoname said:


> As a stickler for accuracy, your math does not add up.


you are correct, 29 years includes pre marriage Began relationship in 87, married 98


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ruffneckred said:


> you are correct, 29 years includes pre marriage Began relationship in 87, married 98


So are you going to answer my questions. I guessed that is what you meant by the years btw


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

aine said:


> So are you going to answer my questions. I guessed that is what you meant by the years btw



I'm sorry, I wrote up some things a bit ago but must not have posted it correctly...


Infidelity has had a place in our relationship....

Six weeks or so after our initial encounter in 1987, she cheated, said she was curious... It was with my best friend, who is a pathological horn dog... I didn't find out for certain until several years later. It was fairly extensive, sort of a friend with benefits deal... She liked to converse, he liked to talk to get panties off.. Meanwhile I (in hindsight) was trying to emulate him... But I am not a smooth talking ladies man and success was minimal but I did cheat. Need to add that I have a problem with alcohol, not as an excuse but it did play a role...

We had move passed it for the most part, although I had flashback cringes, not sure if it even bothered her...

Fast forward to present. She is having an affair with a man, does not push for a divorce unless I want to discuss the situation.. 

The affair seems very peculiar to me as she has never met him....

He texted her claiming it was a number he had gotten at the bar the night before and they were supposed to have a beer and burger.

Well at the time our marriage was strained and she was embarking on an 8 hour drive home from a hockey camp.. so they texted...
and texted.. two weeks later they both proclaim their love to one another.... Sounds like a story book, eh?

They were supposed to meet at another hockey event but surprise his job took him to Chicago, well another hockey event in the upcoming month would be a date. Nope, had a problem develop...

But first some details, he can't talk, only text.. his father damaged his vocal cords as child (abuse) and his voice is so low, that he cannot be heard over the phone, only up close and personal. Raised a red flag in my mind...

next detail, he is a welder on skyscrapers and loves to go to work early and watch sunrise and moon set... seems odd that you can just go up there to lollygag, red flag? maybe?

he is also 31 to my wife's 47, not crazy but odd for our place in life

and for 31 he is technologically challenged, in other words he can't skype, face time, video... and did not send pics for quite a while..


More details after this bomb....

3 weeks after meeting, he is hospitalized with "end stage pancreatic cancer".... and almost dies.... my wife is distraught. He departs to Philadelphia for treatment..

Me by the way? I am unaware, I work oil rigs and have been putting in a lot of hours. So I don't really notice, this is an ongoing problem, as I somehow have the mindset to " put money on the table" and long hours did not help with raising two kids but back to that story some other time...

He decides he does not want traditional chemo / radiation / whipple surgery treatment as his mother had been devastated by treatment. So he is doing alternate treatment of some kind.... Today it has been 23 months so it must be working.

I feel the need to mention the phone situation. First phone he used, a "work" phone (trac phone based out of Minneapolis) has to keep getting minutes add, which he asks his boss to do. But it stops .. So he borrows his buddy's phone that is actually a phone from his buddy's deceased father. Crap, that phone died, so he borrows a phone from another cancer patient, this one is based out of the Bronx, in NYC. Not sure what happened to that phone but he moves on to another phone that a caring nurse gave him...

Obviously by now I am involved, little over 3 months after they met I had found the emails, really odd ball, about make believe story about Christmas involving my kids... One of the emails had a story about a beautiful swan with a broken wind that he rescued on the skyscraper.... 

Will I confronted, she claims she loves him.....

I'm freaked, heart broken, a wreck.. 

I scour her laptop and find pictures of him... 7 total, wow he is a good looking fella.... So I google search the photos..... Bingo, 2 are directly from a twitter feed of a world renowned body builder from Belguim!!! So I scroll through the pictures and find 4 more of the pictures that he had sent, they didn't hit because a tattoo had been blurred... 7th picture had no hits but looks to be the same guy...


so I confront her... she freaks a bit and goes off to call him..... His story.... well Bae, I didn't want you to see me as the cancer has devastated my physique so I found these pics that were close....

she forgives him and tells me it doesn't matter...

Why are we together? well for the kids (high school age) for starters. I think she is being bamboozled, even brainwashed by this clown.... I love her to death and want to try to reconcile and see if it can be salvaged

So I hire a PI, the only thing they could tell me for $400 is that no person named Jay Letkye exists in the world. I confront her, she confronts him, he gives her a new name, no problem for her.... I don't know the new name although she had said Jay was a middle name and Thomas was his first name before the PI findings... After PI work and confrontations, I found some hand doodles with his name and also "Michel" and "Smith" in the same vicinity... 

I started texting him and had many conversations. Sometimes he would act like he wanted to help our marriage, but he always came back to "I need to change"... not that he is wrong in that regard but I believe he paints a bad picture of me to her... one that parallels his abusive father...

On the home front, kids found out due to loud argument.. daughter is very mad at mom, but mom smooths it over, son is quiet...

On the work front, oil boom went bust, work is sparse.... so I am home more... which lead me to found out she has been neglecting out bills and raiding our savings...

So I started my own checking, settled up a bunch of debts, got the roof shingle since she spent the insurance check... We refinanced our home in the nick of time and if I can catch some work here and there we can survive.... 

She had only started working a few months before this affair.. she was a stay at home mom and I had trusted here to do a good job at it and bragged how she was such a good woman...

Now we wait, she is finding out how hard it is to live on her small income... a realization that she has never supported herself on her own is coming... I know it sounds like I am trying to force her back to my arms, but I feel I am forcing her to come to the table and talk... Maybe it is working as the excuse that she wants to focus on him and his cancer has not been thrown in my face...

I have the phones in my name for work so I put parental controls on hers, he changed his number 10 times in 3 days but I was diligent. She now has another phone (her 3rd secret phone).... first two got lost I guess..

This all has taken a toll on my, job stress, realization that I was / am a poor father and husband... I think she is selfish but any words that I say like that she claims I am blaming her... and that is exactly what he tells her..

I just want this over... My son turned 18. should be off to college. but the savings are inadequate and he turns to her for advise, and hockey is first priority (he is a good player, but I question his commitment to succeed as the levels get higher).... My daughter just wants it all to go away... I only have one friend to tell, he is lawyer in a messy (child custody) divorce so he is kind of on the ragged edge when these discussions happen... I don't have close friends... being a sarcastic ass has a cost... I have toned it down to an "unfunny dink" but I have a few personal demons to battle (alcohol, weight, confidence, anxiety)....


Hope I am answering your questions, there are more details.... including a EA (I think that is the abbreviation) just prior to Jay..


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The man isnt real, its a scam. Have you seen catfish? He fits that. Not willing to talk or be seen. Only wants to send electronic messages. Not using his own name or photos and claiming he has cancer. Doesn't want to meet. His dad damaged his vocal cords? Good grief, its all lies. What 30 year old doesn't know how to skype?
He could be anything. Married, a woman, an old man, a 16-year-old boy, anything. She is being duped.


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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

Seems fake to me...I call BS...


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

I agree, or possibly in jail.... but she believes him...


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

What do you want out of all of this?

How far are you willing to go for it?


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

anchorwatch said:


> What do you want out of all of this?
> 
> Well, I guess I want her to attempt to reconcile with me... I don't think she will until this .. this .. affair runs its course... she is in a fantasy and fantasies are fun.
> 
> ...


 I guess I don't know what you are implying, are you a guy that knows a guy?


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## Yag-Kosha (Sep 8, 2016)

ruffneckred said:


> his father damaged his vocal cords as child (abuse) and his voice is so low, that he cannot be heard over the phone, only up close





ruffneckred said:


> but she believes him...


I'd be more worried about your wife's mental health at this point.


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## chronicallyfrustrated (Jul 21, 2017)

Yag-Kosha said:


> I'd be more worried about your wife's mental health at this point.


Agreed. Ruffneckred, for what emotional reasons would your wife be drawn in by this story? Does she feel the need to be a savior? Is she just caught up in the drama? What's her psychological situation here?


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

She had needs at time due to my lack of ... input for lack of a better word, in our marriage and family. I work a lot of long hours, sometimes away for days to weeks. When I was home I was tired, exhaust and mostly slept... 4 in the morning until 9-10 at night was common... managed ok until I got older then it wore me out.

She also had been running doing the hockey mom thing and as our kids got older they needed mom less, so she had not enough to fill her time...

She never has been career orientated, or hobby inclined unless you counting singing and drinking (not a heavy drinker). She is quite social person and I am not.. I was fighting alcohol so going to the bar to sing was not a pleasant experience for me.. Deep down I think she is quite scared of growing old, something that I want / need to embrace. Years of physical work and long hours have left me too pooped to party. 

But all in all I think she is mentally fine, just believing a fantasy... one that costs a marriage and that is a cost she is willing to pay...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ruffneckred said:


> I'm sorry, I wrote up some things a bit ago but must not have posted it correctly...
> 
> 
> Infidelity has had a place in our relationship....
> ...




She is caught in a romance scam (Catfished) , could be someone from Africa or Russian, trying to groom her to get money. She is obviously in a vulnerable position with you away working etc. She needs an intervention and you need to get her friends and family involved. She is addicted to this 'fake' man. You need to make sure she has no access to family savings etc because she is on a high and will raid your accounts and send money to this person.
Believe me there are many lonely women in my country who have lost thousands to these people. They prey on lonely women.

Sit her down and tell her what is happening to her. She may deny it but you also have to consider whether you want to be married to a woman who is so easily cat-fished. How much time and attention do you give her, do you show her your love? If you are working away a lot then she is probably lonely, talk to her about this. Do not approach this with an iron fist you need to get her away from this guy and show her you are not happy with the infidelity (that is what it is in her mind) but you don't want her to be destroyed by this. If possible get her to go to a therapist. You should too, to keep strong under the circumstances. Your marriage can come later.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

ruffneckred said:


> I guess I don't know what you are implying, are you a guy that knows a guy?


No. This is something you're going to have to do yourself.

Right now you have no marriage and as long as she is actively involved in infidelity your marriage has no chance. So the first thing to do is to get out of infidelity. Have you told anyone (exposed)? Do your children know how deep their mother has gotten herself onto this scam. Do you have control over your finances to stop paying for anything that is fueling the affair? 

I'm not saying if this fantasy ends she'll come running back to the poor relationship you described. I'm saying that the infidelity must end before anything else can happen. 

As for coming back to a relationship with you, there can only be a chance if it's desirable. From your descriptions, you haven't made a relationship with you so attractive. You'll need to work on that too. You have no control over what she will do, but you do have control to change yourself and your personal boundaries. 

There's a lot of work to be done and you may still end up divorced, but that will also get you out of infidelity. That's what I'm mean by how far are you willing to go.


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

In almost 2 years, according to her, he has not asked for a dime... I could not find anything that showed she has spent much.. I did find she had kept us spending at a higher level than we could afford. She basically pilfered our savings and the kids to pay bills when my paychecks dwindled and sometimes stopped.. Our finances are source of strain, I am cheap and like to save money, she is a live for the moment gal.. That said I don't believe she can access anything in our retirement accounts or the kids accounts that are in stock trading accounts. When I found out about the EA, I opened my own checking account, so my paychecks are not available to her, she has to pay her own bills on her own salary. Not real harsh, as I am paying mortgage and any utility, insurance bills, etc.. I have harped for a budget for years, she refuses to try. So I have been running a spreadsheet for the last few months. So far, I pay ~75% of bills, but I don't think she is telling me all the bills as her side does not add up to her income. The kicker in the finance thing is work has totally dried up, not sure when I will work again.. If I change careers it will likely be a significant income reduction. With the reduction, we will likely need to sell our house, which would be a opportune moment for her to separate...

Our kids know, few others do... someone mentioned telling parents, mine are not in the picture.... Hers would be totally freaked, there is a racial boundary crossed here that, although they have never spoke outright, I believe it would be devastating to them..


I really believe this guy is in prison... He has a practice routine to fish for women, the cancer hook, etc... That said, what happens if he is let out of jail... on our doorstep, not the nice guy she believes....

I had texted him, but the conversation was tepid at best... I have a lot of anger toward him. He texts like he is a shrink...

I am constants asking myself, why do I want to continue with this woman....

I love her... I guess I hoped we would grow old together but she doesn't want to be old.. I'm fifty but have so many aches and pains I feel 80, being overweight is my front and center issue.. I struggle to not eat, I guess I use eating as a coping mechanism.. I don't exercise hardly at all. Sounds lazy, but when I do, my joint pain goes off the charts.. I got some crazy foot issue that makes walking tough and punishing.. I also have tinnitus, sleep issues, brain fog.... A former co-worker recently was diagnosed with some type of lyme disease, which has all these symptoms...

What do the doctors say? Well, I struggle communicating with them in the past. So I don't care to go to them. Probably a stupid position to take but I also fear that it is an expensive can of worms to open...

I can hear ya'll face palms.. I have a blood disorder, called Leiben Factor 5, something to do with clotting. My brother nearly died from it. It feels like a ticking time bomb. I know it's crazy but to bankrupt our household on what might be wrong, just to have a stroke seems foolish. Especially when I know the first step, lose the dame weight...

Now I would be inclined to do the doctor and weight loss if I had some support, but I have no one.. She has been overweight from childhood but diet is a four letter word. Exercise is not something she cares to do at all. Now that I think about it she has never been much help in the alcohol department.. maybe a pat on the back or some kind words that I can't recall... Did I mention the memory thing... Don't get old..

A word about the drinking. We grew up drinking, it was our pastime.. hell it was everyone's thing to do.. When I went to college I double my drinking which did not help my grades, I got a degree but never utilized it in practice. After college I went to the oilfield as my brother owned a service company.. Well drinking and rigs go hand in hand and I became an every day drunk.. Fast forward a few years.. there was an incident where I could have confronted my former best friend (her first affair) and I was too drunk to act.. at the same time we got a computer that had Microsoft money, and my accounting degree became quite use full. the two event made me quit cold turkey.. And it worked, ten years sober. but after ten years I started... mostly to see if I could handle it as I was not being very social anymore... well I can feel the need to drink more with the first sip. So ten years later, now I try not to drink at all, when I do I want to drink a bunch.. When I am working I am usually so tired that 2 beers has me looking for a bed.. The stress of the EA and impending demise of my family does not help.

Thanks for all the questions. I have a long hard road ahead but it feels good to let some things out... talking to the wall has the walls not liking me much lol


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

If that helps, let it out. 

You ought to have this moved this to infidelity section since that seems to be one pressing dilemma. 

Here...http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739
@farsidejunky

Best


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ruffneckred said:


> In almost 2 years, according to her, he has not asked for a dime... I could not find anything that showed she has spent much.. I did find she had kept us spending at a higher level than we could afford. She basically pilfered our savings and the kids to pay bills when my paychecks dwindled and sometimes stopped.. Our finances are source of strain, I am cheap and like to save money, she is a live for the moment gal.. That said I don't believe she can access anything in our retirement accounts or the kids accounts that are in stock trading accounts. When I found out about the EA, I opened my own checking account, so my paychecks are not available to her, she has to pay her own bills on her own salary. Not real harsh, as I am paying mortgage and any utility, insurance bills, etc.. I have harped for a budget for years, she refuses to try. So I have been running a spreadsheet for the last few months. So far, I pay ~75% of bills, but I don't think she is telling me all the bills as her side does not add up to her income. The kicker in the finance thing is work has totally dried up, not sure when I will work again.. If I change careers it will likely be a significant income reduction. With the reduction, we will likely need to sell our house, which would be a opportune moment for her to separate...
> 
> Our kids know, few others do... someone mentioned telling parents, mine are not in the picture.... Hers would be totally freaked, there is a racial boundary crossed here that, although they have never spoke outright, I believe it would be devastating to them..
> 
> ...



You have alot on your plate no doubt and it is painful what you are going through. U have to take one day at a time and start working on yourself, focus on your health first and your work. You can go online and join a group or find a doctor to give you a diet sheet, it is not impossible if you put your mind to it. Take up gentle exercise such as walking every day, it will also make you feel better with the release of endorphins. Leave your wife aside for now. tell her you are considering divorcing her if she doesn't buck up and then leave it.
Get some IC too to help you cope with all the pressure first of all then see how you feel and see what it is you want to do, you may find that when you feel better about yourself you are ready to let her go.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Moved to CWI.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Ruff, 

i think its time for some Yoda wisdom...You must unlearn what you have learned….Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.” in Rotherham words you can vent and do nothing about .... and a year from now you can be exactly where you are and still do nothing about it or a year from now you could be that far ahead....maybe alone with the kids maybe not...maybe in another field making less money maybe not, maybe divorced maybe not...what I hear or reason why something can't be done but no plan on how to move forward....

You could stop walking everyday
You could cut back on drinking, attend AA
You could call her parents and tell them what is happening
You could look at what jobs are available or new skills you can learn...
You could be the role model for your kids on how to pull yourself up and free from a cheating spouse
You could eat sensible....
But doing nothing but investigating this guy is not providing you with moving forward. 
You can't carry this marriage alone, so I would expose where ever possible, and use the 180 on her.


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

aine said:


> You have alot on your plate no doubt and it is painful what you are going through. U have to take one day at a time and start working on yourself, focus on your health first and your work. You can go online and join a group or find a doctor to give you a diet sheet, it is not impossible if you put your mind to it. Take up gentle exercise such as walking every day, it will also make you feel better with the release of endorphins. Leave your wife aside for now. tell her you are considering divorcing her if she doesn't buck up and then leave it.
> Get some IC too to help you cope with all the pressure first of all then see how you feel and see what it is you want to do, you may find that when you feel better about yourself you are ready to let her go.



With work and money at its current level, I am trying to eat what we have / minimize spending. I walk on treadmill but joint pain makes me stop of a time, the constant start and stop wears on my mind but I will do it... 

She knows I am considering divorce. I try to leave her alone, but we are raising kids to together and their issues affect us both. We are at odds over our son's recent developments. He should have started college but didn't... I have no idea where he is at with his goals, dreams, or plans. Seems like he wants to play hockey, although a part of me sees that as Mom's dream... She is not very reasonable in pushing him to play... She says I need to talk to him, but that barrier just doesn't seem to be breakable yet. I am not good at conversation. I don't hear well, listen even worse... I can't remember conversation from 3 minutes ago and my head spins in most conversations. We disagree on what is happening, he is 18 (21 is legal) and hosting drinking parties in our shop. I don't approve, have told him to stop. My wife is either overriding this outright, winking or nodding, or he knows she will back his choices... Now 18 and drinking is common to both of us, didn't work out well for me... She has not triggered alcoholism but I see a path that could head there... Back to my son, in order to move on to the next level in hockey and levels after that, the commitment would include: not drinking, eating healthy, sleeping healthy, practice, training.... He just wants to play.. He reminds me of myself. As a youngster I was a stellar athlete but in high school, when I came to face opponents that committed, I got thumped... I didn't do diddly squat over and above practice, and my efforts in practice were lame (this is hindsight by me). SO I am trying to advise him vs. her giving him everything on a platter.. I need to mention she has said any reconciliation could very well hinge on my reconciliation with my son.... 

In a nutshell, I feel pressure.... pressure to change the person I am, which I agree 100% needs to change but I have a short window to mend this rift with my son. Divorce or separation, I fear, will make the rift harder to straddle...

Last night I called the sheriff on his party that he was specifically told no to, not that he asked but I had told him no parties after Saturday night. So tired of being bad cop to her good cop. Today she chastised me that only 5 people was not a party...


FML, SMH and all that


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Ruff,
> 
> i think its time for some Yoda wisdom...You must unlearn what you have learned….Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.” in Rotherham words you can vent and do nothing about .... and a year from now you can be exactly where you are and still do nothing about it or a year from now you could be that far ahead....maybe alone with the kids maybe not...maybe in another field making less money maybe not, maybe divorced maybe not...what I hear or reason why something can't be done but no plan on how to move forward....
> 
> ...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Let her have him.

File for divorce first thing tomorrow morning.

Then buy her a one-way plane ticket and send her packing.


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Let her have him.
> 
> File for divorce first thing tomorrow morning.
> 
> Then buy her a one-way plane ticket and send her packing.



The thought has entered my mind.... but, I don't want the end result at this point. Also she wouldn't go, mostly because of the kids but also because he has kept his location secret (maybe she knows now but at one point he would not tell her where).

another problem with slash and burn is it will damage my relationship with my kids even further...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ruffneckred said:


> The thought has entered my mind.... but, I don't want the end result at this point.


Why?

Do you like being cheated on over and over and over and over?

Seriously, what's the point in such a marriage?



ruffneckred said:


> Also she wouldn't go, mostly because of the kids but also because he has kept his location secret (maybe she knows now but at one point he would not tell her where).


LOL. She's being catfished.

You might want to secure your money before she starts sending him cash.



ruffneckred said:


> another problem with slash and burn is it will damage my relationship with my kids even further...


So then slash but don't burn: tell her that you want her to be happy, and since she's not happy with you, that you'll be filing for divorce so that she can be with him.

Tell her that you want the divorce to be completely amicable.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

ruffneckred said:


> The thought has entered my mind.... but, I don't want the end result at this point. Also she wouldn't go, mostly because of the kids but also because he has kept his location secret (maybe she knows now but at one point he would not tell her where).
> 
> another problem with slash and burn is it will damage my relationship with my kids even further...


She would want to go, she would almost immediately tell the fantasy Mr perfect that she's getting divorced and free and guess who would disappear? Slash and burn wouldnt hurt your kids further, allowing this dreamland of hers and your dysfunctional marriage to continue damages them more. 

If your wife is this gullible to fall for this story all hope is lost for your marriage at this time. Your allowing this fasade to continue is just allowing herself to fall farther and farther down the hole.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@ruffneckred,

Start working on"YOU". That should be your priority. You do this because you want to be that man you should be, whether she comes along or not. If you can get that started you'll see how other things like health, family, finances, and relationships start to fall into place and start afresh. 

As for her, she's not going anywhere. She's only living a fantasy. She knows you not going to put up with it and you won't share your wife with another man. Once she sees you're really going to move forward with or without her, she'll make a decision. 

Best


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Why?
> 
> Do you like being cheated on over and over and over and over? of course not, I'm here to explore options,
> 
> ...


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

anchorwatch said:


> @ruffneckred,
> 
> Start working on"YOU". That should be your priority. You do this because you want to be that man you should be, whether she comes along or not. If you can get that started you'll see how other things like health, family, finances, and relationships start to fall into place and start afresh.
> 
> ...


I agree, and I am working on it. Just had a giant conv with wife and son, I think it went well..... Thing is this, I believe there is a time factor so I want to work on multiple issues...


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

ruffneckred said:


> GusPolinski said:
> 
> 
> > Tell her that you want the divorce to be completely amicable. Your advise is noted, but your manner comes across as taunting and not helpful.. I was hoping for analytical adult approach to things.....
> ...


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

BobSimmons said:


> ruffneckred said:
> 
> 
> > Welcome to an internet board where you get many opinions, also stuff you might not want to hear.
> ...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ruffneckred said:


> Why?
> 
> Do you like being cheated on over and over and over and over? of course not, I'm here to explore options,


Here are your options:

Do nothing or do something.

Thus far you've opted for the former.

How's that working out?

Either your wife's behavior is acceptable to you or it isn't. If it is, you might as well invite the dude to come live with you. If not, however, invite her to go live with him.




ruffneckred said:


> Seriously, what's the point in such a marriage?
> what is the point of any marriage?


Ah, deflection.

Nice.



ruffneckred said:


> LOL. She's being catfished. been mentioned, thanks for joining the choir
> 
> You might want to secure your money before she starts sending him cash. Good idea, did you read everything?
> 
> ...


As for "reading everything" goes, I rarely bother, as it's usually just the same bunch of whining over and over. Additionally, for as long as you continue to parrot back excerpts from your initial post in increasingly depressing attempts at defending your bold strategy of doing nothing while your wife solidifies her plans to (once again) cuckold you, that's about all your time here at TAM will net you.

And if you find my tone "taunting", "not helpful", or whatever, ignore it and focus instead on what I'm actually saying --

Stand up for yourself and do something.

(To be clear, I am in *no way* advocating violence.)


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

You can only reconcile with someone who wants to reconcile. I don't think your wife wants to be married to you. Why even try?


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

Bob, I tried to quote but it didn't let me. Please don't assume I have done nothing, I am not sitting in the corner pouting. I have been dealing with this for ~18 months, many things have been done, your method of comment with out reading leads us to a path where you provide useless static... not that you don't have good ideas, suggestions, or knowledge... but your manner makes my head spin, headache escalate, and stress rise. I need calm competent advise, I am likely sub par at explaining myself, her, and the situation. But no worries, you will take your jaded views to you next victim, and I will find the ignore button. Good day sir.

TX-SC.... good question, I have hope that her delusions of him and their life together will pass. and I can find my best friend again, possibly rekindle some sort of relationship... So many choose to just quit, is it ok to just let me try? Tonight after a very productive session with my son and her this afternoon, her and I talked, a very productive talk, It takes one step to start climbing a mountain...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Welcome to Limbo
Population: You


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

ruffneckred, the guy your wife is in love with could be anyone, including someone posing as a 31 yr old man. Catfish is the best word to describe this person. The Catfish show is on TV so watch it with your wife.

As far as your financial interest are concerned, your W could be putting things on her secret credit cards or getting loans on some of your asserts like cars or other things of value. In most areas what she charges or spends, it is also YOUR debt too.


If I was in your situation I would file for a legal / financial separation to protect what you DO have. Once the legal separation is in place, usually that lets you off the hook for her mismanaged financial decisions. You can live together so it isn't an official divorce. It mostly protects you from more financial harm.

About her multiple phones, maybe they aren't lost. Maybe she has more phones than you know about.

After reading about relationships like yours, your situation will not get better while there is a 3rd person in the mix so wasting time trying to get her to see the light isn't going to be productive. Most likely to her, you are the old controlling jealous husband and she will consider the other man as her hero. People in affairs are blind and don't listen to reason, so you know what to expect from your wife.

Get some exercise but don't do yourself any harm. Get some rest and drink lots of water. If you need some anxiety meds, do it until you get a handle on some of this crap.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Watch an episode or two of Catfish with her (MTV, you can watch most of them online). It should very quickly capture her attention. I'd bet she will watch the rest on her own if she has even a drop of common sense. Of course there is zero chance he is real, but then you already know that.

Not really sure what there is to save from your descriptions. Time for you to make PERMENANT changes. Regain your confidence and the respect of your kids. Lose the weight, especially the probably 200+ lbs of female.


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

Handy said:


> ruffneckred, the guy your wife is in love with could be anyone, including someone posing as a 31 yr old man. Catfish is the best word to describe this person. The Catfish show is on TV so watch it with your wife. Watch it, understand the concept.
> 
> As far as your financial interest are concerned, your W could be putting things on her secret credit cards or getting loans on some of your asserts like cars or other things of value. In most areas what she charges or spends, it is also YOUR debt too. I am aware, not high risk for this activity.
> 
> ...


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Watch an episode or two of Catfish with her (MTV, you can watch most of them online). It should very quickly capture her attention. I'd bet she will watch the rest on her own if she has even a drop of common sense. Of course there is zero chance he is real, but then you already know that.
> 
> Not really sure what there is to save from your descriptions. Time for you to make PERMENANT changes. Regain your confidence and the respect of your kids. Lose the weight, especially the probably 200+ lbs of female.



Watched many, maybe all episodes. Made a point of having it on, makes her quiet and distant. We have hashed the red flags to death (her and I have).

I really think the time frame and limit one can take are personal decisions, I am working on self improvement and improving all relationships. Please keep your fat jokes to yourself or recess. Thanks


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

ruffneckred said:


> Bob, I tried to quote but it didn't let me. Please don't assume I have done nothing, I am not sitting in the corner pouting. I have been dealing with this for ~18 months, many things have been done, your method of comment with out reading leads us to a path where you provide useless static... not that you don't have good ideas, suggestions, or knowledge... but your manner makes my head spin, headache escalate, and stress rise. I need calm competent advise, I am likely sub par at explaining myself, her, and the situation. But no worries, you will take your jaded views to you next victim, and I will find the ignore button. Good day sir.
> 
> TX-SC.... good question, I have hope that her delusions of him and their life together will pass. and I can find my best friend again, possibly rekindle some sort of relationship... So many choose to just quit, is it ok to just let me try? Tonight after a very productive session with my son and her this afternoon, her and I talked, a very productive talk, It takes one step to start climbing a mountain...


Certainly you can try. The problem seems to be that it's only you who is trying. Can you elaborate a little on the progress you made in talking to her and your son? Was it only in regard to his drinking and not going to college, or did the conversation also include her cheating and detaching from your marriage? What was her response? Is she going to stop talking to him?


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

TX-SC said:


> Certainly you can try. The problem seems to be that it's only you who is trying. Can you elaborate a little on the progress you made in talking to her and your son? Was it only in regard to his drinking and not going to college, or did the conversation also include her cheating and detaching from your marriage? What was her response? Is she going to stop talking to him?


One of the issue I have is not being able to remember well, we talking about, drinking, hockey, college, plans, pitfalls.... but as to be was accomplished or said... I draw a blank... There was reference to her cheating during the conversation with son, but I would not call it significant. 

Later when her and I talked alone, the EA was discussed. One thing that may not be coming across on this thread is she feels I "detached" first... and she is justified to the extent that I did not "man" up with the kids and family... My "excuse" and I hate that word because I don't believe it is an excuse but an explanation... I was overwhelmed, tired, scared, exhausted... I don't recall if my lifestyle has been brought up. M-F, most sat, some sundays. 4-5 am to 8-10 pm. physical labor outdoors. Some early days, some storm days... I started this "career" as an older than average employee, but I was able to handle, and do things with the kids... but as I got older, I got and still am burnt out.. But here is the thing, private school, mortgage, hockey, retirement accounts... they don't get handled with just good intentions... I felt the choice to put security and financial well being ahead of some of the activities I missed... This "watch 'em grow up while they're sleeping" dilemma has been a long problem of this career choice. Ok, so choose a different career. No money matches until you have experience, and then to match the money or increase stream, your stress levels increase and hours are just as long or longer. Many move sideway to auxiliary careers in the industry but it is a considerable pay cut. The ability to move up at the time was not a likely event. So I was looking at having to take a pay cut when I was too old to cut it in my position. Moving up in the same company was 35% pay cut... This was stressful for me, I tried to talk to her about it but her own stresses of raising kids made our communication poor... She is very glass half full and basically take the approach, "don't worry, it will work out"..... this was about 9 years ago... So what happened, an oil boom.. bam I get to jump to a lucrative job making good coin.. whew dodged a bullet.. nope, boom ends. that bigger house hangs like an albatross... Turns out I am not good at this next level... I have the knowledge, and when I had employees, to make things happen I was good at my job. Coercing the next generation of "why do you want to work so hard" crybabies is a whole different ball game. A ball game that highlights my poor qualities, while my talents are invisible. Sounds tough, but I was making it work, until all this distraction.... I am holding on to the belief I can make it at this level, time will tell...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Of course she wants no-one to know, this kind of thing thrives in secrecy and darkness. She has no respect for you as a man and the leader of the home. Show her leadership, let the chips fall where they may. Teach your son what a leader looks like. You are acting scared and confused. Blow up that **** and tell her parents now and anyone else who will listen. Tell her you are doing it for her own good, what kind of woman falls for a 'fake' man, what kind of role models are the two of you to your kids?

You wonder why your son has turned out the way he is, you blame his mother but you are the man of the family, show him, lead him.

Start from today, lead your family, no more bull****, no more pretending things are not falling apart. And if your wife screams and shouts about exposure, tell her, you didn't destroy the family, she did.
Then if you want to R (you have contributed to the mess) then tell how and go get a counselor and tell her what is going to happen in the family. You my friend have been a back seat driver for too long. 

Start taking action, stop complaining, get your health on track, your life on track, be a man that your wife wants, that your kids look up to. It is not too late.
Step up.


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

I just don't see how using a "bull of the woods" approach and hurting other just to hurt her will help, seems fraught with disaster... I am not a leader, I am scared and confused....

I respect your advise, please respect my decisions.....

I seem to be seeing a pattern in the responses to this thread and several of the others I read today.... Some people see the only solution is to pull the pin on the hand grenade.... hope it is not for your amusement, one guy admitted he advocated divorce without even reading my post... wtf


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Not using a voice. Having terminal cancer yet still being fairly fit and well, using images of a bodybuilder and having a fake name, yet allowing sone doodles to be sern with a different name prominent?

Yet not asking for money as far as you know?

Could be a woman who has a beef with your wife who is posing as this make.

Is there anyone who hates her enough to do this?


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

ruffneckred said:


> I just don't see how using a "bull of the woods" approach and hurting other just to hurt her will help, seems fraught with disaster... I am not a leader, I am scared and confused....
> 
> I respect your advise, please respect my decisions.....
> 
> I seem to be seeing a pattern in the responses to this thread and several of the others I read today.... Some people see the only solution is to pull the pin on the hand grenade.... hope it is not for your amusement, one guy admitted he advocated divorce without even reading my post... wtf



You don't have to be a leader, but you do have to lead your own life/family.

You're getting comments and advice from people who have either experienced similar things or have read many, many times of similar situations, and are trying to help you resolve your issue the best way possible for _you_.

Do a lot more reading on here. You will see it said many times, in similar forms: "You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it". 

You filing for divorce may snap her out of whatever fog she's in. If it doesn't, then you are likely better off without her.

You can always call off the divorce proceedings if she comes around.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

ruffneckred said:


> I just don't see how using a "bull of the woods" approach and hurting other just to hurt her will help, seems fraught with disaster... I am not a leader, I am scared and confused....
> 
> I respect your advise, please respect my decisions.....
> 
> I seem to be seeing a pattern in the responses to this thread and several of the others I read today.... Some people see the only solution is to pull the pin on the hand grenade.... hope it is not for your amusement, one guy admitted he advocated divorce without even reading my post... wtf


I'm not really an advocate for R or D, although I do believe D is the proper response to an A, but I also have seen some situations where R was clearly the best choice. What I do advocate for BH's is that they maintain their self respect and value it above their M ... you see, it is my belief that you can't be a good H or father if you can't respect yourself, and quite frankly, I don't see how you can have much respect for yourself, when you've allowed this blatant disrespect to continue for over 18 months.

Your WW is rubbing this fantasy relationship in your face, and you won't even stand up to your WW over a fictional OM. Hell, this one is really simple, it probably won't be easy for you, but it is simple ... just agree with her ... set her free to go to OM. What's she going to do when faced with that reality? Where's she going to go when she doesn't even know where OM lives?

I post the poem below to BH's who have lost their self-respect ... read it and let it sink in and then go have a heart to heart with that guy looking back at you in the mirror:

_The Guy in the Glass

by Dale Wimbrow, (c) 1934

When you get what you want in your struggle for self,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that guy has to say.

For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
Whose judgement upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict that counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.

He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.

You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the guy in the glass.


_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

ruffneckred said:


> I just don't see how using a "bull of the woods" approach and hurting other just to hurt her will help, seems fraught with disaster... I am not a leader, I am scared and confused....
> 
> *I respect your advise, please respect my decisions.....
> *
> I seem to be seeing a pattern in the responses to this thread and several of the others I read today.... Some people see the only solution is to pull the pin on the hand grenade.... hope it is not for your amusement, one guy admitted he advocated divorce without even reading my post... wtf


Your decision is to do nothing while your wife destroys your family and future. No one is going to respect that.


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Not using a voice. Having terminal cancer yet still being fairly fit and well, using images of a bodybuilder and having a fake name, yet allowing sone doodles to be sern with a different name prominent?
> 
> Yet not asking for money as far as you know?
> 
> ...



She is very well liked, by everyone.. I am certain no one hates, I highly doubt anyone dislikes her.. 
She is a joy to be around, brightens rooms when she walks in..

Been my inspiration and joy since we started dating...

She is very torn about this situation...


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

manwithnoname said:


> You don't have to be a leader, but you do have to lead your own life/family.
> 
> You're getting comments and advice from people who have either experienced similar things or have read many, many times of similar situations, and are trying to help you resolve your issue the best way possible for _you_.
> 
> ...


My reading shows me most just push for divorce, I see divorce as a last resort.


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

MyRevelation said:


> I'm not really an advocate for R or D, although I do believe D is the proper response to an A, but I also have seen some situations where R was clearly the best choice. What I do advocate for BH's is that they maintain their self respect and value it above their M ... you see, it is my belief that you can't be a good H or father if you can't respect yourself, and quite frankly, I don't see how you can have much respect for yourself, when you've allowed this blatant disrespect to continue for over 18 months.
> 
> Your WW is rubbing this fantasy relationship in your face, and you won't even stand up to your WW over a fictional OM. Hell, this one is really simple, it probably won't be easy for you, but it is simple ... just agree with her ... set her free to go to OM. What's she going to do when faced with that reality? Where's she going to go when she doesn't even know where OM lives?
> 
> ...


Thanks for the poem. I need to look into the respect aspect... I don't have any for myself or others.... rather I don't think I did for a long time... this journey has been full of epiphanies about myself, and not many are good things...

Most upsetting is seeing my son exhibit similar behavior, I am desperately trying to steer him down a path that is not like mine...

I see signs of my father in me, not good things.... frugal, or cheap as haters like to say, "do nothing" approach.... just a note, my father was present during my upbringing, had little interaction though, he was older than average, workaholic, didn't say much.... Mom did all the talking, and spanking, lots of spanking.. Only real interaction with Dad was when I was in trouble with the law.. I estimate total of 2 hours of discussion over a lifetime (he is deceased). Mom, now that is a book for another time.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

ruffneckred said:


> Most upsetting is seeing my son exhibit similar behavior, I am desperately trying to steer him down a path that is not like mine...


The above is HUGE ... it truly is amazing how much sons pick up on learned behaviors from their fathers. I am a little older than you and have experienced this dynamic as my 80 year old father's son, and as my 32 year old son's father.

Think about it like this ... let's say your son came to you in this very same situation asking for your advice on what to do? My guess is you will have a completely different perspective if this was happening to your son, rather than to yourself ... after you consider how you would advise your son ... then think about "modelling" that same behavior for him to emulate should he ever find himself in this situation. It might even be a good idea to have this conversation with yourself while talking to that "guy in the glass".

Good Luck ... look deep and find your self-respect and show your son how a MAN deals with disrespect and adversity.


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

MyRevelation said:


> The above is HUGE ... it truly is amazing how much sons pick up on learned behaviors from their fathers. I am a little older than you and have experienced this dynamic as my 80 year old father's son, and as my 32 year old son's father.
> 
> Think about it like this ... let's say your son came to you in this very same situation asking for your advice on what to do? My guess is you will have a completely different perspective if this was happening to your son, rather than to yourself ... after you consider how you would advise your son ... then think about "modelling" that same behavior for him to emulate should he ever find himself in this situation. It might even be a good idea to have this conversation with yourself while talking to that "guy in the glass".
> 
> Good Luck ... look deep and find your self-respect and show your son how a MAN deals with disrespect and adversity.


Thanks for the advise, I would be shocked if my son came for advice, Mom is his go to... She developed a relationship with both of our kids as a "best friend" not as a parental figure... Too me this was a mistake as she never says no, it made me bad cop, her good cop, and good cop was always there... Maybe I am a bit jealous but I think a happy medium between the strict disciplinarian and the helicopter mom should be sought out....


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

ruffneckred said:


> Thanks for the advise, I would be shocked if my son came for advice, Mom is his go to... She developed a relationship with both of our kids as a "best friend" not as a parental figure... Too me this was a mistake as she never says no, it made me bad cop, her good cop, and good cop was always there... Maybe I am a bit jealous but I think a happy medium between the strict disciplinarian and the helicopter mom should be sought out....


Don't lose focus about things you can't control. Stick to what you can ... most of the best lessons I've learned from my Dad were never spoken, but observed. YOUR SON IS WATCHING AND LEARNING FROM YOU ... TIME TO TAKE ACTION THAT IS GOOD FOR YOU ... the fact that he is watching and absorbing is just a side benefit at this point.

Now, quit redirecting the conversation and making excuses for doing nothing, and put an end to this complete nonsense.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I wonder when she will find out that this man isnt who he says he is. After 2 years I am astounded that she can't see through this charade.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Her friends and family need to know so they can help talk her out of this. Anyone but her can plainly see what is going on and she clearly needs help. 
Exposing this will help your wife and possibly your marriage in the long run


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I wonder when she will find out that this man isnt who he says he is. After 2 years I am astounded that she can't see through this charade.


It's not easy for someone involved in such limerance to see clearly. To her the idea 'it can't be true' is ridiculous and anyone who says so is only trying to ruin her happiness. If it wasn't true she would have been a massive fool all along. How could she be such a fool to her H, to her family and friends and essentially to herself? 

A few years ago a fellow posted here about how his W was hooked into an A by a convict, using letters and phone. It went on for some time. She refused to stop contact even after he and her dad showed her proof that he was in prison for horrendous crimes. She left her H and kids and ran off to live near the prison so she could have a relationship with this POS. Her family had no choice but to cut contact and finances. It's all too common for emotions override common sense...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> It's not easy for someone involved in such limerance to see clearly. To her the idea 'it can't be true' is ridiculous and anyone who says so is only trying to ruin her happiness. If it wasn't true she would have been a massive fool all along. How could she be such a fool to her H, to her family and friends and essentially to herself?
> 
> A few years ago a fellow posted here about how his W was hooked into an A by a convict, using letters and phone. It went on for some time. She refused to stop contact even after he and her dad showed her proof that he was in prison for horrendous crimes. She left her H and kids and ran off to live near the prison so she could have a relationship with this POS. Her family had no choice but to cut contact and finances. It's all too common for emotions override common sense...


I remember that. It was horrible.


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

I think contacting her parent with their age, health issues, and underlying racism would do permanent harm. She is an only child, the apple of her dad's eye. You could say she is spoiled as in he will give her anything he can, but he is not wealthy as far as I know. She has a cousin, that is near her parents and help them, they were childhood buddies but know are strained about the care of her parents. My wife is 350 miles away, the cousin is 18 miles.. The FIL help put that cousin through college so she helps out but it is becoming an issue between them. 

As far as my wife's friends... She is so charismatic and well liked that I fear most would tell her to move forward with the OM. Her closest friend has actually acted as a liaison, picking up at a package, not from OM but OM's boss that drove 200 miles to meet up. Oh that boss has gone missing due to missing funds at work. I **** you not this has more twists than my imagination could handle. I suspect this friend is now paying for secret phone #3, she is really needy and buys my wife gifts a lot.. She is a shy lady in a bad marriage where they live together but are not together. 

I told her to pack her **** and go to him, last night and in prior times. Her excuse last night was the kids, remember OM is ~1800 miles away. She did not mention not knowing where he is, she used to talk to me about him but when I started talking to him that kind of stopped.

One thing that may help you all understand about why I don't divorce or threaten is the cancer. I feel she needs to not be in a relationship with OM to reconcile. if he actually does have cancer and succumbs, maybe just maybe we can start reconciling. People that say to move on don't know my situation well, I have nothing to move on to..


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You're in a fog of your own, @ruffneckred. 

One foot in front of the other.

Have you looked for a doctor's appointment yet?

Have you read the 180 list?


Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

ruffneckred said:


> One thing that may help you all understand about why I don't divorce or threaten is the cancer. I feel she needs to not be in a relationship with OM to reconcile. if he actually does have cancer and succumbs, maybe just maybe we can start reconciling. People that say to move on don't know my situation well, I have nothing to move on to..


Nothing this guy says is the truth, why would you believe he actually has cancer? He's lying for either sympathy and attention, to get her to stick around or for money when he's "medical bills" come in. 

You create something to move on to. I had nothing when I left, now I do. I made it, I found it, I worked on it.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

ruffneckred said:


> My reading shows me most just push for divorce, I see divorce as a last resort.


Well keep reading...... you'll see divorce used as a tool, an ultimatum tool. Your method is not working. 

You need something to snap her out of this.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

There are services that root out catfish scammers.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ruffneckred said:


> I think contacting her parent with their age, health issues, and underlying racism would do permanent harm. She is an only child, the apple of her dad's eye. You could say she is spoiled as in he will give her anything he can, but he is not wealthy as far as I know. She has a cousin, that is near her parents and help them, they were childhood buddies but know are strained about the care of her parents. My wife is 350 miles away, the cousin is 18 miles.. The FIL help put that cousin through college so she helps out but it is becoming an issue between them.
> 
> As far as my wife's friends... She is so charismatic and well liked that I fear most would tell her to move forward with the OM. Her closest friend has actually acted as a liaison, picking up at a package, not from OM but OM's boss that drove 200 miles to meet up. Oh that boss has gone missing due to missing funds at work. I **** you not this has more twists than my imagination could handle. I suspect this friend is now paying for secret phone #3, she is really needy and buys my wife gifts a lot.. She is a shy lady in a bad marriage where they live together but are not together.
> 
> ...


This person doesn't have cancer, it's just another excuse not to skype/meet/talk. He isn't who he says he is. He may even be a woman, or someone much younger or older, or married. Can't you see the deception here? Claiming to have cancer is a common lie told by such people
She is being catfished, you almost seem as duped by him as she is.

Read this https://www.cheatsheet.com/gear-style/being-catfished-signs-to-look-for.html/?a=viewall


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

anchorwatch said:


> You're in a fog of your own, @ruffneckred.
> 
> One foot in front of the other.
> 
> ...



Doctor's appointment? for what? I do have hesitations to do medical treatment...

I am drawing a blank on the 180 list?


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Nothing this guy says is the truth, why would you believe he actually has cancer? He's lying for either sympathy and attention, to get her to stick around or for money when he's "medical bills" come in.
> 
> You create something to move on to. I had nothing when I left, now I do. I made it, I found it, I worked on it.



I have told her that until I am blue in the face, she says that I don't know everything and there are too many details to be making this up.. She has quit sharing details...


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

anchorwatch said:


> There are services that root out catfish scammers.


Can you provide more, what services?

I tried a PI, they mimic all my finding and told me the name Jay Letkye or Thomas Jay Letkye did not match anyone of their sources.. They want more cash to do cold calls, I was thinking of doing that but then he butt dialed me from his new number (#5 if I recall), well that made me start texting him... With him knowing I knew the number I felt cold calling would be a waste of funds. Now he has a secret phone number as does she, hoping to get a hold of them.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

That kind of cancer, 6 months to live after diagnosis. 

That's not the point though. She needs to know she's in an affair, it's unhealthy and he's a dangerous person. Playing and grooming her and probably others like her.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

ruffneckred said:


> Doctor's appointment? for what? I do have hesitations to do medical treatment...
> 
> *If you're going to work on your well-being a good start is with a baseline physical. *
> 
> ...


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Seriously ... I tried to talk to you about self respect, because its clear you have none, which you seem to acknowledge. You are now becoming a walking excuse machine to justify doing nothing to help yourself. If you're not willing to help yourself ... exactly what do you want from us?

We can help you, but you have to be willing to listen and then ACT ... until that time, you're just wasting everyone's time, including your own, by just wallowing in LIMBO.

Right now your number 1 priority should be to get out of infidelity ... either R or D will get you there ... D is the easiest, but if you want to R, there can't be a 3rd person in your M.

Why are you so content to be sharing your WW with another man?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I knew five people with pancreatic cancer. None lasted a year. The survivor rate is only about ten percent and he wont even take treatment.
Your being used because you allow it. Too many wxcuses not enough grit.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, tell her parents and tell her to go live with them.


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

@anchorwatch Thanks for the links, I will see a doctor, right no my income is near zero except for unemployment, so I need to be frugal.


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

MyRevelation said:


> Seriously ... I tried to talk to you about self respect, because its clear you have none, which you seem to acknowledge. You are now becoming a walking excuse machine to justify doing nothing to help yourself. If you're not willing to help yourself ... exactly what do you want from us?
> 
> We can help you, but you have to be willing to listen and then ACT ... until that time, you're just wasting everyone's time, including your own, by just wallowing in LIMBO.
> 
> ...


just because I don't jump when you bark doesn't mean I am not learning. If I choose to tread lightly and make calculated moves, why can't you respect my decisions. If I am not performing to your expectations, find some else to advise.


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

@chapparal I know, there are other details, I actually have a file listing red flags.... this may be the root to my hesitancy... If OM was for sure real, like neighbor, across town... I would be single living in my plywood shack on a dead end road writing my manifesto... just kidding

I weigh telling her parents, but they are old and not in good health. If FIL hears she is love with a black man, might as well tell him at the funeral parlor. Seems spiteful to tell them... but that said I am thinking about.. sounds like I may be going back to our home town for a funeral so that may be the time..

If the SOB would just croak already..


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

ruffneckred, I bet you a coke (soda) I am not a big stakes player, never even bought a lottery ticket.
1.your W is sending him money. I don't see how you can rule out all of the possible ways she can send him money.
2.She is surely eating up the attention he gives her.
3.He-she-it is wacko, has an alter ego, and playing her.

What I am hearing from you is a fear of hurting other people's feelings at your expense.

NO, people don't give you advice or ill fitting advice for amusement. They are trying to get you to do things that they think will help "YOU." The majority of the posters know there isn't much anyone can do to get your wife to "see the light." Basically we can't help you "FIX" your wife. She is a lost cause right now.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

So he's a black guy with a Germanic-sounding name. Did his pancreatic cancer occur before he jumped on a live grenade to save his rich Botswanian uncle? And has Congress mailed him his Medal of Freedom yet? 

Seriously, this has all the hallmarks of a catfish or Internet scammer. It's probably some grammar-school kid. Don't take anything she tells you at face value. 

Dump her. Let her crash and burn on her own if you want her to recognize your value. In the meantime, tell her to live off his pension from having invented the first supersonic bicycle while living in the Taj Mahal.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

ruffneckred said:


> just because I don't jump when you bark doesn't mean I am not learning. If I choose to tread lightly and make calculated moves, why can't you respect my decisions. If I am not performing to your expectations, find some else to advise.


How is it that you can get all bent out of shape over advice from an anonymous internet poster, but you can't screw up your courage enough to get upset enough at your WW to take any form of meaningful action to help yourself? You are not treading lightly or making calculated moves ... you are frozen in LIMBO and paralyzed by fear. We can help with advice and direction from our own experiences, but YOU will have to take the ACTION. A good start would be redirecting your anger toward the source of your pain ... your WW.


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

Handy said:


> ruffneckred, I bet you a coke (soda) I am not a big stakes player, never even bought a lottery ticket.
> 1.your W is sending him money. I don't see how you can rule out all of the possible ways she can send him money.
> 2.She is surely eating up the attention he gives her.
> 3.He-she-it is wacko, has an alter ego, and playing her.
> ...



Thanks for replying, I do worry about hurting others. I am working on self improvement, my hope (secondary to actual improvement) is she see the value in me that she used to. It has been an interesting couple of weeks as our roles have reversed. She is working, I am homemaker. Granted the kids are easier at this age. But here being tired after work and me being frustrated with meal planning and scheduling have given us a look into what each other had experienced. Last night I told her, now double your hours and work a few weekends, lol, 

The reason I don't give up is I don't feel she is, I am afraid person's reading my posts are not seeing our interactions or understand our relationship. It has never been normal, not looking for story book, or normal. I want my best friend back.


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

Tatsuhiko said:


> So he's a black guy with a Germanic-sounding name. Did his pancreatic cancer occur before he jumped on a live grenade to save his rich Botswanian uncle? And has Congress mailed him his Medal of Freedom yet?
> 
> Seriously, this has all the hallmarks of a catfish or Internet scammer. It's probably some grammar-school kid. Don't take anything she tells you at face value.
> 
> Dump her. Let her crash and burn on her own if you want her to recognize your value. In the meantime, tell her to live off his pension from having invented the first supersonic bicycle while living in the Taj Mahal.



I hear what your saying... another detail, he is a welder on skyscrapers. And goes up early to watch the sunrise & moon set... Oh and wants to write children's books... to provide her with income when he is gone..

I have mention many many times that he is probably in prison, or a 60 year old irish man with a big beer belly. (no offense to any Irish persons)....


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

MyRevelation said:


> How is it that you can get all bent out of shape over advice from an anonymous internet poster, but you can't screw up your courage enough to get upset enough at your WW to take any form of meaningful action to help yourself? You are not treading lightly or making calculated moves ... you are frozen in LIMBO and paralyzed by fear. We can help with advice and direction from our own experiences, but YOU will have to take the ACTION. A good start would be redirecting your anger toward the source of your pain ... your WW.



Very true, although bent out of shape is to extreme... which just points out to all that communication by typing words does have limitations. A point that I have push upon, you do not love a person you have not met, your in love with the fantasy. I am frozen, seems to be a strong theme in my life is other areas also.

A detail of our relationship that I want to add, I have long held the opinion that "some day she is going to wake up and walk out the door"... I am not a great catch, I am damaged and a mountain of issues. Surprised it has lasted this long.... I am without many friends and don't have much do with any family... People that I meet (usually through work) fade away quickly after the situation ends. I don't socialize or mingle, I keep to myself and am the loner in the corner. At our kids hockey games, I go sit by myself.. Why? for one the dumb ass parents that don't know the game and yell at the kids and refs are embarrassing. for another I make comments about the play that does not go over well with parents. Outside the game, I don't partake in their antics as it is heavily alcohol related and I can't hear / understand anyway.. Wear you eye protection, tinnitus sucks.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

* ruffneckred
...... my hope ..................... is she see the value in me that she used to.*

Your "HOPE" 99.9% of the time doesn't count for much if there is another man (imaginary or real) in HER life.

I am no relationship expert but my comments come from reading relationship forums for 10 years. The only way things work out is if the affair person (your W in this case) gets sat down with an affair or very good marriage counselor.

It sounds as if your W is floating on "cloud 9" communicating with this near perfect (to her) mystery person. For her it is intoxicating and she is feeling like "superman" or like she is on someone LSD and can almost fly (=makes her feel alive and good) that can do anything she wants to do. A lot of women thrive on attention and the reverse is true, they feel like crap when not given attention.

This also happens to men where the affair partner isn't that good looking and the wife said the H affair-ed down. OK, the affair woman most likely gave him some serious attention, so it isn't always the sex that influenced the guy to step over the line and make it sexual. People like attention.

I was like you, i worked way too many hours but I was home every day. I thought I was doing the right things by working too many hours to keep up with our spending habits. My W got into shopping addictions and the people on QVC (shopping on TV) became her best friends. ME? I eventually was just the PITA that fixed things, paid the bills, cooked the meals, and someone she complain to and treat me like sort of a girlfriend, (explaining her opinions and emotions to) and someone to verbally dump on.

We got to be brother-sister like and somewhat adversarial. What I am going to do next, i don't have very many plans that work for both of us.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Look ... you can continue with the hand wringing and navel gazing indefinitely ... its your life, but if being a cuckhold is as repulsive to you at it would be to me, then some action is necessary. 

This is like a war with you and your WW on opposing sides ... in such a situation, it is best to play to your strengths, while playing on WW's weaknesses, which in this case appears to be the same ... exposure to your FIL. He seems to have the strength to confront your WW and your WW is very afraid of him discovering her 2nd life.

Quit making excuses for not doing the right thing. You don't know how your FIL will react or if his health will be impacted ... old men from that generation are much tougher than most that are much younger. Quit trying to control the imagined outcome and simply DO THE RIGHT THING ... it will make discussions with that "guy in the glass" much easier and I can guarantee you will feel better about yourself.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

ruffneckred said:


> Bob, I tried to quote but it didn't let me. Please don't assume I have done nothing, I am not sitting in the corner pouting. *I have been dealing with this for ~18 months*, many things have been done, your method of comment with out reading leads us to a path where you provide useless static... not that you don't have good ideas, suggestions, or knowledge... but your manner makes my head spin, headache escalate, and stress rise. I need calm competent advise, I am likely sub par at explaining myself, her, and the situation. But no worries, you will take your jaded views to you next victim, and I will find the ignore button. Good day sir.


Well, no wonder she hasn't ceased contact. You've put up with it for a year and a half without any hard ultimatums so she has no reason to stop now. 



ruffneckred said:


> A detail of our relationship that I want to add, I have long held the opinion that "some day she is going to wake up and walk out the door"... * I am not a great catch*, I am damaged and a mountain of issues. Surprised it has lasted this long....


Neither is she. However, she is apparently more damaged than you are because she cares very little to maintain her wedding vows.


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

Primrose said:


> Well, no wonder she hasn't ceased contact. You've put up with it for a year and a half without any hard ultimatums so she has no reason to stop now.
> 
> 
> 
> Neither is she. However, she is apparently more damaged than you are because she cares very little to maintain her wedding vows.



She is damaged, she was sexually badgered by my former best friend starting at ~12 years of age, loosing her virginity at ~14, she was his side chick, she adored him, he actually told me a one point "she would be all right if she lost 50 lbs"... 

She also remembers getting chase around the pool table in her parents bar by an old man. and an old man coming into her room as a child, her parents often had people over after the bar closed. 

She came upon her babysitter rolling around on the floor with a guy making unwanted advances..

A close friend (older woman ~25) commit suicide when she was under 12....

She would spend time with her cousins, her aunt was having an affair with family friend because her uncle was black out drunk most nights..

She has issues, I have issues, doesn't everyone?


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

ruffneckred said:


> She is damaged, she was sexually badgered by my former best friend starting at ~12 years of age, loosing her virginity at ~14, she was his side chick, she adored him, he actually told me a one point "she would be all right if she lost 50 lbs"...
> 
> She also remembers getting chase around the pool table in her parents bar by an old man. and an old man coming into her room as a child, her parents often had people over after the bar closed.
> 
> ...


Yes, we all have issues. Your jaw would drop if I told you everything I endured as a child. That still doesn't give her a free pass at a year and a half long affair. Why are you justifying her actions?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Honey, here's the thing. What you are doing now is NOT working. I am hearing that you love your wife and would like to get past this.

The right solution is to absolutely tell her parents and her cousin. That will blow this up. You are protecting them, and I totally get that, and it is kind of you...but ask yourself...if you were them, wouldn't you want the opportunity to help save your child? I know you would. Yes, they are going to be upset, and rightly so. Your WW needs some severe consequences.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Exposing infidelity is one of the best ways to put an end to it. 

Then the real work begins. 

Get step one done and plan for next steps. Think.

Is she worth the effort. Would you want a girlfriend who does this?


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

Primrose said:


> Yes, we all have issues. Your jaw would drop if I told you everything I endured as a child. That still doesn't give her a free pass at a year and a half long affair. Why are you justifying her actions?


I guess I don't see it as justifying, just providing background.


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Honey, here's the thing. What you are doing now is NOT working. I am hearing that you love your wife and would like to get past this.
> 
> The right solution is to absolutely tell her parents and her cousin. That will blow this up. You are protecting them, and I totally get that, and it is kind of you...but ask yourself...if you were them, wouldn't you want the opportunity to help save your child? I know you would. Yes, they are going to be upset, and rightly so. Your WW needs some severe consequences.


actually it is sort of working as we are working together to "finish" raising our daughter to adulthood... (16)... 

Her mom is going on a transplant list very soon, really feels crappy to dump on someone when they are down..


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

Dannip said:


> Exposing infidelity is one of the best ways to put an end to it.
> 
> Then the real work begins.
> 
> ...


That is a question that I debate, in my mind yes, until then divorce is back burner... I would like to research divorce, I assume it is different in each state, I want to read more about the process. I had a friend recommend pulling every dime from non retirement accounts, is there a date in the divorce process where moves like that are reversed or analyzed? 

I really appreciate all the advise, and hearing my story, thanks for the patience as I delve into the future.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Sir, as you have rightly identified, she is in a fugue state. Experience has shown that shocking the wayward brings them out of that fog like trance. You have been advised to expose and that will shock her. Old saying here, you have to blow it up to save it. Consider the wisdom you have found here.


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