# Affair proofing a marriage



## Twice (Mar 31, 2013)

I hear that term a lot here on TAM. 

I'm interested in reading on line or book resources about making the relationship stronger the second time around.

Please post your favorite website, book, author, or just general advice is fine...

I'm all ears.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Its called buying a Chastity Belt.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

One aspect is 100% transparency. Nothing untoward gets started if the other partner sees everything you do.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Someone else said this and I agree with it. Find someone who has been cheated on.

My husbands fiancé cheated on him.

It changed him. 

He would not inflict that pain on another human being.

He gets it.


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## Twice (Mar 31, 2013)

Thanks for the advice... And books, any websites, and blogs you all refer to for sound professional advice? URLs, Titles and authors names welcomed...


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

While it is not a recipe to Affair proof your marriage, I think the best you can do is take responsibility for yourself. While you may not have 100% control over your spouse, you do have control over your own actions.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Marriage is serious business.
Get married to a person that know what love is and LOVES you.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Alpha said:


> Its called buying a Chastity Belt.


Well that would provide peace of mind.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The Bible. Nothing like the disapproving gaze of The Almighty and the threat of hell to keep people straight. Heterosexual relations and human reproduction were His inventions. He created us so he ought to know what's best for us.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

the belt was way to expensive, so I opted out to " After The Affair" by Springs.
Get back to affair proofing ...it all about behaving like your spouse is always with you even when they are not!

Since this is a an individual issue, you have no control how your spouse behaves...only how you deal with the behavior...be it positive or negative, your spouse must get rewarded or reprimanded for the behavior that doesn't meet your need.

Sure this goes both ways, just like infidelity can go both ways, but at the end of the day it is a individual commit meant that affair proof the marriage.........


The trick is finding that some one that has an individual commitment to be monogamist. Or at the very least respects the fact that being honest out wieghts the pain of hurting the one you want to betray.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I think you can affair proof yourself. You can say "I won't ever cheat," but you can't ever say honestly "My spouse won't cheat" because you can't control another person's reactions to a given situation. Your spouse is responsible for affair proofing him or herself. I've known two people at one place where I've worked who cheated during lunch time! They'd go home to their spouses at the same time end of every day and the spouses were none the wiser about what went on.

The best you can do is find someone who values monogamy, has great personal boundaries with the opposite sex, then stay very in tune with that person making sure their needs are met (and they meet your needs) and pay attention to the nonverbal signs when they withdraw from the relationship. Don't have blind trust, but don't get too paranoid either.

Honestly I believe the "it will never happen to me" idea is very similar to why we tend to believe we'll never be robbed, murdered, raped as well. It's always those other people, someone else to whom it happens. I actually think it's foolish to think cheating could never ever happen. It's better to acknowledge that it could theoretically happen then talk about ways to prevent it from happening in your marriage.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage: Willard F. Jr. Harley: 9780800719388: Amazon.com: Books is the book I've most often heard valuable for affair-proofing a marriage.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> The Bible. Nothing like the disapproving gaze of The Almighty and the threat of hell to keep people straight. Heterosexual relations and human reproduction were His inventions. He created us so he ought to know what's best for us.


While I believe in the Bible, there's a lot of adultery in it. Also, my ex was a deeply pious and godly woman. No embellishment, she read her Bible and prayed 2-3 hours every day. She had 3 known betrayals before I gave up on her. I was very in love with her and it showed.

There is no way to fully betray proof a marriage.

If a couple really loves each other, and commits to each other and takes time each and every day to spend 10-15 quality minutes together it greatly minimizes the chances one will betray.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> The Bible. Nothing like the disapproving gaze of The Almighty and the threat of hell to keep people straight. Heterosexual relations and human reproduction were His inventions. He created us so he ought to know what's best for us.


God is supposed to be everywhere. He's in the room when people have a sexual affair, but that clearly doesn't stop self-professed Christians from cheating. Now if their spouse or kids or even parents were there in the hotel room or wherever it's taking place, I'm sure the would stop instantly so it makes you wonder who they fear more.

In the Christian book for recovering from marital infidelity written by a pastor, (Torn Asunder: Recovering from Extramarital Affairs), the author notes that adultery and divorce rates in the Christian population are nearly the same as the general population in the United States. Being a Christian doesn't lessen the chances of an affair.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Make sure you have 

Communication (about your both real feelings about things), 

Intimacy ('togetherness'), 

agreed upon Boundaries (no dating-like activities with other persons etc., no GNO to bars and clubs, keeping updated when alone with others)

Great Sex Life

Read the book Not Just Friends


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I would suggest working on you, don't put others before you. Don't lose yourself to food and Internet. Work on goals if you have a job work on advancing, if you are a SAHM or SAHD always make sure you can support yourself if you need to. Keep contacts with old emporyers. Seek out certifications or a degree if you don't have one. Take time to be up to date within new trends in your job field.

Have hobbies, work out, this will keep your spouse interested in you. I'm not saying they will not cheat but, it seems like when you are their doormat and put them first, and they know you depend on them financially they think they have leverage for you to put up with affairs as you will be scared to leave them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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