# was I out of line?



## allowingthecakeeating (Mar 13, 2013)

My WH and I have been separated for 7 months and he has been in an emotional relationship with an ex female boss for over two years. Like everyone else, he told me they were just friends. 
Now he has confirmed that the relationship with his ex-boss has progressed further. (yep there doin it..) He now says it is none of my business. Also she has just divorced her husband.

Last week we had a HUGE fight. The “ex-boss” and young daughter happened to show up at the local mall where my husband and kids were shopping. They all spent an hour together shopping. My husband is adament to me and the MC that he did not coordinate it....I was VERY unhappy. I have kept quiet and never approached anyone about their relationship. Like a fool I have tried to trust his word. But, after last weekend I sent her ex-husband a very polite email just asking him to give me a call on a private matter. (We have been introduced a couple of times.) Well my husband went absolutely crazy and screamed at me for an hour on the phone. (very out of character.) Now he really won't talk to me and is VERY cold. He says that the ex-husband is mad and the “ex-boss” is furious...I feel that after 2 years I deserve to get some answers about the true nature of their relationship because he will never tell me. They both still work for the same company. 

I touched a nerve somewhere. Do you think that they are all so peeved because I took a bold step and entered their inner circle? He told me he was embarrassed and I was totally out of line. What do you think? 

Please tell me what you felt like if you had an affair? 
Why would the ex husband be so upset with me? He could have just deleted the 1 line email. Maybe he called her because he knows stuff and wanted out of it. 
Did you feel like you had a special secret place and did not want anyone to come near it? Does he really think no one will find out. 
Is this just a way to exit the marriage with less pain? 
I do not think he would have made this move without her coaching him. She is in a male dominated industry and has big balls. Of course, he went so I know he is ultimately responsible.
Eventually is there remorse? 
Thanks


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Maybe he didn't coordinate anything but he chose to shop with the woman for an hour. The ex husband could have been mad for any number of reasons. Maybe he's an ex-husband partly because your husband and he's still bitter about it. Your husband going bat crazy on you about it is the real clue, here. Why is he going to marriage counseling and having a full blown affair at the same time? That seems illogical to me. That's like calling the fire department but throwing gas on the fire at the same time. Either a person wants to save their marriage or they want to destroy it. Whether he feels remorse or not doesn't change your situation. If he's leaving, he needs to leave. If he has intentions of staying or working on the marriage, he needs to drop the girlfriend.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

He's p1ssed because you're shinning a light on what he want's to stay in the shadows. If her ex-husband is mad and can make things uncomfortable for them from his side, your stbxh get's mad at you for calling in the first place.

Cheater don't usually like to be noticed. They're like roaches, they run when a light gets turned on.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You enlighted XBH on why his marriage went slowly down until the final destruction, realized what was the reality of the last two years while he was likely gaslighted, blamed and emotionaly abused, surely felt vindicated and empowered to finnaly confront his XW and tell her the complete liar and wh0re she is and her lack of work ethicals.
He's also likely treatening to shine a light on what she want's to stay in the shadows (borrowing GROUNDPOUNDER's post), he's likely also making more difficult for your husband to stay around his child.
So you stirred the pot at both ends.
Maybe if you did this before the separation... What's done is done. Do you plan to expose to mutua lfriends, what is the official cause of the separation?

How is you are still going MC. It's a waste when there's an active affair.
Did you plan to file?


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Where are the D papers!? That will be the only thing that might snap him out of his self indulging fantasy world


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The purpose of the mall trip was to introduce the children.

If you haven't filed yet then you need to. And focus on *yourself *and less on him.


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## hopeful 1905 (Apr 7, 2013)

No your not out of line I've done things only my attorney knows when ever one door closed on me I had to think of one to open so I could keep some sort of track with my cheater now I can go to court knowing i will hopefully win my case I hope you live in a state where cheating is illegal its time to let him go and start your own life I can stand only 10 month how did you manage 2 years you are a strong person


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## allowingthecakeeating (Mar 13, 2013)

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read and answer me back. I told him I will not file for divorce and if he wants to end the marriage, he needs to do it himself. (This will stump him for a little while..!) He really thought that he could just tell me it is over and I will take care of it and we can be “friends” along the way. He never wants to look like the bad guy. 
After speaking with 2 separate attorneys they directed me not to.
1. I do not have any medical insurance currently with small business. I am covered through him.
2. the amount of money I would receive for child support would only cover a little more than my mortgage. I am not willing at this point to think about leaving our home and a uproot my children after everything that has happened this year. Maybe down the road. We do not have a lot of equity in the home as we refinanced the mortgage a few years back and shortened the term to pay off faster. 

So financially it would not be smart to instigate the divorce. In the state I am in I would have 2 years to answer his request for a divorce. Both of the attorneys highly recommend me sitting on it.


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## Biscuits (Aug 2, 2012)

allowingthecakeeating said:


> My WH and I have been separated for 7 months and he has been in an emotional relationship with an ex female boss for over two years. Like everyone else, he told me they were just friends.
> Now he has confirmed that the relationship with his ex-boss has progressed further. (yep there doin it..) He now says it is none of my business. Also she has just divorced her husband.
> 
> Last week we had a HUGE fight. The “ex-boss” and young daughter happened to show up at the local mall where my husband and kids were shopping. They all spent an hour together shopping. My husband is adament to me and the MC that he did not coordinate it....I was VERY unhappy. I have kept quiet and never approached anyone about their relationship. Like a fool I have tried to trust his word. But, after last weekend I sent her ex-husband a very polite email just asking him to give me a call on a private matter. (We have been introduced a couple of times.) Well my husband went absolutely crazy and screamed at me for an hour on the phone. (very out of character.) Now he really won't talk to me and is VERY cold. He says that the ex-husband is mad and the “ex-boss” is furious...I feel that after 2 years I deserve to get some answers about the true nature of their relationship because he will never tell me. They both still work for the same company.
> ...


First off, her ex is most likely upset for the same reason I would be. If I got an email from a women I knew was married to a man my ex-wife was sleeping with. I would wonder what happened in our marriage, and I would be upset that my ex would ruin someone elses marriage.

Secondly, my partner wouldn't yell at me for an hour if I felt there was infedility. I'd hang up on her...or stop her all together and tell her to gatherher composure and thoughts before calling again. I don't care who my wife is friends with. If she meets with another man, and has my child with her and they shop together, scripted or not...there will be blood. (BTW, this happened~and she was cheating, thats why I'm here)

You reach out to whoever you need to in order to fix your marriage, if its a MC or divorce lawyer, thats your call.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Talking to her husband is exactly what you need to do. That is one of the things that is usually recommended to break up an affair.

Does anyone at their work know that they are engaged in an affair?

What, if anything, did you tell her husband about the affair?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Oh, I wanted to also recommned a book to you that I think will help you a lot, "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

allowingthecakeeating said:


> Thanks everyone for taking the time to read and answer me back. I told him I will not file for divorce and if he wants to end the marriage, he needs to do it himself. (This will stump him for a little while..!) He really thought that he could just tell me it is over and I will take care of it and we can be “friends” along the way. He never wants to look like the bad guy.
> After speaking with 2 separate attorneys they directed me not to.
> 1. I do not have any medical insurance currently with small business. I am covered through him.
> 2. the amount of money I would receive for child support would only cover a little more than my mortgage. I am not willing at this point to think about leaving our home and a uproot my children after everything that has happened this year. Maybe down the road. We do not have a lot of equity in the home as we refinanced the mortgage a few years back and shortened the term to pay off faster.
> ...



So in other words, he is having his cake and eating it too while you continue to be unhappy....because he has medical insurance. 
Proceed with divorce so you can find a man who will truly love and support you. All the rest is materialistic bullsh*t IMO.

Are you still living in the same house?


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## allowingthecakeeating (Mar 13, 2013)

No he moved out in August.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

_he's mad_..... the guy who cheated on you..... _he's mad???!!!_ I say- F*CK HIM! let him squirm. 


this affair should've been exposed the minute you found out- DO IT NOW!!!


i appreciate your situation, but you're living in limbo right now. find a course of action and follow it. you're gonna have to make a choice at some point, as it sounds like this marriage is over.




> No he moved out in August.


if he left the home under his own free will, this can be considered abandonment in some divorce proceedings.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I would not file in your situation. I'd play the faithful, hopeful, housewife and hope these two fall madly in love or, better yet, this woman gets pregnant. Sooner or later, she'll be pestering him night and day to dump you and marry her. When that happens, he will sign over the keys to the kingdom to you.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Have you read the newbie thread? It would be great to do so. He knows you so very well and is manipulating and controlling you. The only way to counteract this is to be strong and speak your mind. No more bullying from him or anyone. You need to start rebuilding your self esteem and stop succombing to his tantrums which keep you "in line". He's having an affair in front of your face. Stay married to him then but do the 180 for yourself. Limit communication to only "need to know basis" thus kids related only. Be civil, be smart. 

Expose on cheaterville. Drop MC & use the $ to get a spa treatment. Time to take care of #1!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## allowingthecakeeating (Mar 13, 2013)

We were in MC for the last 6 weeks to discuss how to leave marriage amicably. But the counselor and I were hoping he might come around. He did not. We stopped actual MC in September about a month after he left.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You don't have real savvy atty's do you-----You go ahead and file the D---and at the same time, you file an action agst, your H, and agst his lover for INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS---that you can file for a large amount---if nothing else it will get your H., off his high horse, and scare the sh*t out of his lover.

You should not allow him to bully, and humiliate you---you need to get in his face, and give him back what he is giving you----stand up for yourself----there are things you can do----also you can make medical insurance, part of the divorce settlement, and property split---or even tack it onto the alimony


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The OW's Husband is angry because he had been gaslighted, got the full ILYBINILWY treatment, told it was his fault, told there was nobody else, she just needed to grow, etc, etc, etc.

Now he gets it! Now he knows the only thing growing was the gap between her knees for your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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