# She has moved out. Confused on what to do.



## bobsmith

I cannot deny that I still love her. Our downfalls have mostly been communication issues and my self employment ventures that have not been all that financially supporting. 

A day after she moved, she sent an email that she had some feelings she was not expecting but no talks of trying to work it out or anything. A couple days later there was a local show that I knew her and our boys would enjoy and asked her to go. She agreed but cancelled the day before. 

The other day she was requesting the rest of her things which I sent over. I asked in an email if we were done and she said yes. Maybe I am naive and stupid but I am not sure if we both need that separation to collect thoughts or if her communication is clear and I need to get over it. 

There is no cheating or anything and we have been together for 12yrs with 2 kids. She moved only a block away. I am probably talking this up too much on here but I just don't know what to do. If we are done, I would like to move on but I know my heart will not be ready for a long time. 

I tend to think if I remain hopeful and see that she takes in someone new in her life, it will devastate me all over again. I think her MC has told her to move on which frustrates me. 

I know you guys cannot read minds but does time away pull things back together? Is there a window of time here? If my financial situation was most of the issue and that is corrected, does that mean anything or is that just asking for problems again later?

I am trying to accept my own downfalls but I cannot honestly put all the blame on me. She has serious issues with talking. She wants me to do certain things but never even asks. She does not know how to have a deep conversation. She took our engagement ring off without ever saying a word!


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## wilderness

She abandoned her own children for no reason. If I were you I would first find out if she is having an affair. The overwhelming likelihood is that she is.


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## bobsmith

Not sure how she abandoned the children. Are you talking about the move without trying to figure it out? We were in MC for months but the financial issue really never surfaces as the core of the problem and we never worked on anything once we left! 

I am 99% certain there is not another person in her life right now. I know that is the core of many divorces but we have always had a high level of trust there and she is SUPER busy with her own business anyway.


Supposedly she moved close to me to make it easier for the kids and the oldest could ride his bike over. Honestly, I would think if there was someone else, she would want to move far enough that she would have no concerns of me snooping. I can almost see her place from mine.


NOTE: One thing I have always been concerned about is about everyone in her family is divorced multiple times. Her mom is on her 4th, dad died single after 3 marriages. Aunts and uncles are similar. I don't think she wants to be in that rut but she seems we taught and really never grew up with a solid father figure in the house so in many cases I seem like a prick to her because I am A DAD!!! Dads bring enforcement, structure, and life education.


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## PBear

Do a google for Walk Away Wife. When they get to the point of leaving, it can be very difficult to turn things around. Best thing you can do is demonstrate that you're ok without her, and start fixing the things that you weren't doing before. Not for her sake, but for the same of yourself (and your boys). Don't tell her explicitly what you're doing; let your actions demonstrate your changes over time. 

C
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## bobsmith

I hear you and that is what I am told over and over, which I am doing. However, I am concerned that my level of resentment might grow if she seeks to exit when the water is not right for her but wants to get back in the pool only when things are just right. I am quickly learning that there are people that want to me married and those that want to wear a wedding ring.


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## PBear

bobsmith said:


> I hear you and that is what I am told over and over, which I am doing. However, I am concerned that my level of resentment might grow if she seeks to exit when the water is not right for her but wants to get back in the pool only when things are just right. I am quickly learning that there are people that want to me married and those that want to wear a wedding ring.


Stop worrying about her response. Remember, you're doing this for you, not for her. And in the end, if she wants to beg you to let her come back, you'll be in a healthy position to make a good choice, which may be to tell her "thanks but no thanks". But you need to get to that place first. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disappointedspouse66

Women just don't walk out of their husband and kids with no notice before hand. My mom did the same thing and guess what? She was seeing another man. So I'd just be honest with her and ask her why she left, No games and no BS, and if there was another man then you'd want to know.

As the others have said, Just focus on bettering yourself because she clearly does not want to get back together at this point.


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## bobsmith

Well I guess as part of my due diligent duties, I did a fly by tonight since I have the kids and she is free as a bird. Her cars are there, no one else, lights out. I know her pretty well and probably one of the main qualities that attracts me to her is she is brutally honest and knows she cannot hide much from me if she wanted. 

I feel confident she is not doing some hide out with her boy toy over there. She is sleeping like a baby with no disturbances. 

However, that does not explain why she would freely admit AFTER moving that I am her ideal life partner and does love me BUT "we don't know how to do that". She says we lack the tools to fix us. TO be honest, I am tired of fighting for someone that will not fight for me. Not even one time I can ever recall her reeling me in. She just drifts away. I have never met anyone else who acted like they cared less yet she is always doing things for me. 

Hell, the day she moved out, she cleaned the bathroom! I have told her repeatedly though, I am NOT a gifts person. I need physical touch and words of affirmation. It frustrated me to the boiling point every single night she would walk right past me without saying a word and go to bed. Not even a good night. Things like that have taken me far away from a man that should stand by his wife.....Because she never stands by me. 

Without trying to be attacking, I have to call her self centered or maybe just very independent. It is hard to explain but there is a SERIOUS wall that she wears daily and I cannot see past it. She hardly even cried when her dad died yet it bothers her so much she needs therapy.... WTF???? I would be a melted mess for days if my dad died. Granted, She saw him about 1 day/week growing up. 

Her mom is the same. They block emotion, even hugs don't "feel". Sometimes my ex would melt when I hug her and I can feel her let go. However, nada on the talking. If something bothers her, she will say nothing and watch to see if I fix it. 

Pretty obvious that strategy did not work out for her...


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## mineforever

Bobsmith...it really sounds like your wife's "love language" is "acts of service" and yours is "affirmation and touch". Have you ever read the 5 love languages? It is very difficult when you are in a relationship where you love languages are completely mismatches. I would recommend you read the book, it may help you better understand her approach to expressing love. 

By the way my hubby is acts of service and affirmation...that is how he expresses love and "quality time"on receiving love. I on the other hand am "touch" on receive and expressing love as my languages. Total mismatch and it has taken a lot of years and frustration to learn that you have to adjust to each others needs and accept them for who they are.
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