# How to tell our daughter about separation/divorce...



## Lpt51173 (Sep 5, 2010)

Hey all...

37yo here. Still married. Found an email between my wife and an old boyfriend. They reconnected on Facebook (go figure!) I confronted her and she fessed up (of course - she was caught) But made it clear that she wanted out of the marriage. Keep in mind this is totally an Emotional Affair as he lives in NY but wants to move down here as he has family in the area. 

Now I take some blame in this. While we have been great parents, a great family dynamic and great friends we have not been a great couple. No passion, sexual wants and needs and drives are different. 

So after much soul-searching and realizing I wasn't all that bothered over losing my wife I came to the conclusion that my heart had indeed moved on long ago. I just didn't disrespect her and our marriage and start to act on it.

So my wife and I rounding the corner to telling our daughter that we will be separating and I am deathly afraid of this. Just mortified at hurting her. But we have to be united front and tell her together. She is 10 heading towards 11 and a very old soul.

We have decided that in all this our daughter comes first. Period. We are doing Joint Custody, all decisions are between her and I equal time with Mom and Dad. We are committed to making sure we still have family nights and dinners and other events. I told her I refuse to miss the moments and milestones on my daughters life and she shouldn't either. She's my world and the air I breathe...

We want to tell her soon as it's the elephant in the room but I am scared beyond words over hurting my little girl. I have these horrible visions of her being shattered, crushed etc. But I also know that how we tell her and how we include her in upcoming decisions can be huge for the transition and her mental health. 

So I was hoping to get some advice on a few things...

1. We want to tell her soon. Like in the next two weeks. We are working on the exact words to say so any help, resources would be great. This will probably shock her as we have not fought, yelled or screamed at all. None of that... no real anger and hatred. Pretty happy home. Mostly sadness that this is happening...

2. We will be in the same house for at least 3 to 6 months to sell the house. We cant afford for one of us to move out and we don't feel that would be the best for us as family. So technically we wont be separating for awhile. If we have to make the change we should make it together. We have a big Disney trip, Christmas, her Birthday, Basketball tournaments. We thought if we told her soon and told her that we don't hate each other, that we are going to be there for her, show her that it will not be like the divorces she has seen friends go through... you know lead by example. Thoughts?

3. We have already said, no lawyers, no courtrooms. 

4. Good resources for co-parenting plans? So many assume the spouses hate each other and thats not the case here.

Most of all i just want to make sure our daughter knows she is loved and none of this was her fault. I want her to know that we are committed to making sure her life is as fulfilled as it is now.

I'll stop here... Looking forward to contributing and learning and hopefully making some new friends.

Thanks!


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

You can google parenting plans... I found a bunch on line. Lots and lots of 1/2 time ideas. 

There is a great book: Amazon.com: Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way (9780679778011): M. Gary Neuman, Patricia Romanowski: Books

It will help you talk to your daughter together in a really healthy way. The priority is 100% on the kids, you will really like this book.

About divorcing... You can get a paralegal or an attorney to use together that can help you work through everything fairly. My sister-in-law did that - they had an attorney together that helped them through the system... They still had to do math with house and retirement plans, but it was not contested. They filed divorce together. I would suggest having someone help you through the process, so neither of you have regrets later.


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## Lpt51173 (Sep 5, 2010)

Wow... i will go check out that book ASAP! Thank you...


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