# Do I elope or do I wed?



## HopefulFutureMrs (Apr 6, 2015)

Hello!

Before I explain, I want to ask that you keep an open mind and read the whole post.

So me and my fiance are deeply in love. I couldn't imagine life without him and I cant even think of a future without him in it. My parents on the other hand feel as if I'm too young to even consider what love is. We have been dating for only 3 months but the way i feel about him is euphoric. My parents haven't been able to really see us together since I'm off in college and they've only seen us together once. I feel like if they knew how much he takes care of me and is just such a huge support system in my life that they may understand. But every time I try to explain it to them they don't listen. I get that they are considered about us only being 19 but we both have had so much trauma in our life that we had to grow up fast and our maturity level is very impressive for a 19 year old. They know that I love him and I'm going to marry him at some point. But they want me to wait until I'm 22 and have graduated. My future husband on the other hand just wants us to do our own thing and elope together and have an actual wedding after we graduate.

So the real question is do I wait until later and please my parents or do I elope and please the love of my life. I know a big argument is "whats the rush?" but for me its "whats the wait?" Why should I put my life on hold?

If i can have some opinions and advice I'm hoping it would be easier to choose. I would like advice from everyone whether you have experience with marriage or not. Thank you!


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

No matter how mature you may or may not be, marrying someone after 3 months of dating is a terrible idea. Being 19 and marrying after 3 months of dating? Terrible, terrible idea.

Wait until you are 22, have graduated, and gotten to know him for three more years.

Just my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Have you been in relationships before? Do you know who you are and what you want to be? That euphoric feeling can happen with many different people and is not indicative of a lasting relationship.

How well do you know each other? Have you had difficult conflicts that you have needed to resolve? What is your process to deal with different goals? How does he deal with adversity? How do you?

Unless you can answer these questions well with explanation or with a yes then you are not ready for a commitment like marriage. I do believe you can fall in love and know you want to marry someone in a few months but unless you have good answers for all of these questions you future is questionable.

I dated someone for three years and became engaged but I didn't have a good answer for many of the questions. Fortunately it fell apart before we got married because we didn't know ourselves fully and each other well enough.

The next time I fell in love it took only two months after we started dating to realize we found who we wanted to marry. We generated answers to all the questions and still waited for a year to get married. We have been married for over 25 years and it has lasted because we found that we were compatible in easy times an stressful.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Trust us when we say you will not be the same person in ten years that you are at age 19. You are WAY too young to be thinking about marriage after only dating someone for 3 months. I had a teacher in high school once say that a good rule of thumb before even thinking about marriage was to make sure you spend every season together at least once (so, a full year). Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall. If you're still this madly in love with him then, start talking about getting engaged and getting married AFTER graduation.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

HopefulFutureMrs said:


> So the real question is do I wait until later and please my parents or do I elope and please the love of my life. I know a big argument is "whats the rush?" but for me its "whats the wait?" Why should I put my life on hold?


I met my future wife aged 27 and we're still married. Being married is a great thing. Why wait? Because marriage is a life-time commitment and you both have your futures and growing old together to look forward to.

My biggest concern is that you've only known each other for three months, which is way too early to really know someone. Where you both are now is a wonderful time. You're both so perfect for each other. But you need to wait till at least you know your boyfriend's flaws (and he yours) to know if you can make your marriage last.

This is an exert from an article which I would like to share:
_In terms of the volume of gray matter seen in brain images, the brain does not begin to resemble that of an adult until the early 20s.

The scans also suggest that different parts of the cortex mature at different rates. Areas involved in more basic functions mature first: those involved, for example, in the processing of information from the senses, and in controlling movement. *The parts of the brain responsible for* more "top-down" control, *controlling impulses, and planning ahead—the hallmarks of adult behavior—are among the last to mature.*_

NIMH · The Teen Brain: Still Under Construction

If it meant to be, waiting and proving how right you both are for each other shouldn't be too difficult.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

I'll tell you to wait...you'll ignore me...two years from now you'll be back in the "considering divorce or separation" section talking about how he changed since you got married and can't stand him any more.

Please. Please, please , please, please PLEASE do not have children until you are 27.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

If you are so in love then why can't this wait until you're older?

And honestly 3 months. Perhaps to a young person that may seem like a life time but euphoria is NORMAL for three months of dating. A year in you might start to see the real him, A year after living together even more. 

Whatever you do please don't have kids.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Marrying anyone when you've only known them for three months is insane, whether you're 19 or 40. 

You don't really know each other yet sweetie, you're both still on your best behaviour. The real you, both of you, is yet to come out.

You should feel euphoric, you've only been dating for three months. That's normal.

Spend time together, get to know each other, have fun together. You're both so young. Enjoy being young and carefree.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Wait for the euphoria to wear off and the common sense to return. He may be the greatest thing since sliced bread. If he is, an intelligent assessment made without the contamination of new-boyfriend euphoria will bear that out. If feelings of euphoria were great predictors of marital success there would be very few divorces because most of us were stupid for each other in the beginning. 
My advise, is that you wait...not to please your parents but because it's the biggest decision of your life and you owe it to yourself to walk confidently and well-informed into it with both eyes opened. With only 3 months of dating, there has to be an awful lot you don't know about the future father of your kids, the grandfather of your grandkids, the guy who's financial decisions will be the difference between struggling your whole life or living in relative comfort. You could live over 80 more years and if you think that sounds like forever, imagine spending that much time with someone you can't stand, you can trust, you can't respect, etc. By the same token, he knows no more about you. Let him walk into marriage with both eyes open, knowing every bit of you, warts and all.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Lets be real; you're 19, "mature", and caught up in the euphoric high of young love. You're not going to listen to a damn thing any of us have to say, no matter how right we likely are.

I just ask you to consider putting off having kids until at least 23 or later. You'll have a better idea by then whether you're the rare teenage lovers who beat the odds and have something real and lasting, or business as usual.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

We were all 19 at one time and at 19, you just might think you know whats best and Mom and Dad are out of touch with "today".

Truth be told, fashion, music and fads change but experiencing life is something of a learning process and if someone who just happens to have been there and done that, give you sound advice, listen to them. Trust me, they won't steer you wrong. If you love this guy and he loves you, then in a couple years you'll love each other even more and he'll still be there. I made the mistake and didn't listen and got myself in a nasty situation and believe it or not when the advice was given to me, I turned it down. One of my life's big regrets. Don't make the same mistake


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Do you understand how this trauma you've bother suffered has impacted you?

Do you thinks that the very trauma that pulled you two together might be a false foundation in which to conclude your relative suitability? In other words, for right now the sun rises and sets on his shoulders. But once you've both healed from these traumas. You both will be seeing things in a new light. From the trauma you both will grow and at your age it is highly highly like that you will each grow in different directions. Or one will grow while other remains stuck. 

While trauma can indeed pull people together, the goal is to heal from those traumas and become the person you should have been, only better because you survived, thrived and became string. What happens to your marriage when only one of you grows strong?

Wait until you both graduate.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*For all of the aforementioned reasons, I heartily concur that waiting until after college graduation is the absolute best thing to do ~ for the both of you!

Get to know each other much better!*


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I met my wife at 19, pretty much knew by the time 3 months passed. Listen closely here. Got married and moved in together 2.5 years later at 21. I will not lie and say waiting was easy. It can be done.
MN


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## Rockymts (Mar 26, 2015)

wait until after college!

make sure your partner has a good job and is motivated to work as you do the same. and watch and observe too make sure he is everything you really think he is.

come up with a plan. save some money. discuss where you guys want to live. how you will handle hurt feeling when your relatives are irked that you eloped. etc,etc, etc.

Getting married comes with a giant price tag. Especially if it doesn't work out ......I know you guys have such tremendous love for each other that there's no way it wouldn't work out.......cough cough....50% of all marriages fail. not very good odds.

I know its not the most romantic advice But with planning and thought out goals it could be the best marriage when you guys retire early in the southern hemisphere because you had your duck in a row and planned out everything.

good luck


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I know a big argument is "whats the rush?" but for me its "whats the wait?" Why should I put my life on hold?


"What's the rush" is an excellent question. Why aren't you able to answer it? Because there is no good reason to rush into a lifetime commitment when you've barely been adult for 5 minutes and have known someone for less time than you've known your dentist.

"Why should you put your life on hold?" Is it on hold? Are you not living your life right now, dating someone you fell for 3 months ago, seeing him as often as you want, going to school? How is your life on hold? It isn't, not at all.

Marriage is not a requirement to love and be with someone. If it's the kind of love worth getting married for, then it's the kind of love that will last as long as you are together, with a legal piece of paper or without. 

The problem is you don't know whether you have the kind of love that will weather the life changes you will be going through in the next few years, and they will be big changes. You might grow together, or you might grow apart and lose respect for each other or even hate each other. 

If you need something romantic to hang your hat on, this request that you wait a few years is one of those mountains true love needs to climb to prove itself.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

frusdil said:


> Marrying anyone when you've only known them for three months is insane, whether you're 19 or 40.
> 
> You don't really know each other yet sweetie, you're both still on your best behaviour. The real you, both of you, is yet to come out.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

So, what IS the rush? As was said, enjoy being this young and carefree. Don't rush through it and push to be further along in life than you should be. If you are meant to be together you will be.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

I hate to take the romance out of life, but marriage isn't all about love. Its easy to fall in love with someone, it takes hard work and dedication to keep a relationship happy and healthy for a lifetime.

There is nothing stopping you having a happy relationship for the next few years without needing to get married. Finish college, travel the word. Start your career. THEN get married.

I was in the same position as you. When i was 18 i met my husband. After a few months i was sure he was the man I would marry. I married him 9 years later. Those 9 years together were amazing. We grew up, traveled to many places, had great (and not so great) experiences together.

My guidelines:
Dont get married until you have been together for at least 3 years
Dont get married until you have lived together for at least 6 months

Good Luck


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

My parents were 18 and 21 when they met in November of 1980. They married in February of 1981, so after just three months as well. They are still together to this day, 34 years later. 

Even THEY say they should have waited. Their marriage was filled with heartache, infidelity, addictions, ridiculous fights....and after 20 years of instability, they both *finally* started working out their issues.

Now they are very happy, but they both say that all of the heartache could have been avoided had they waited it out.


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## BrutalHonesty (Apr 5, 2015)

You have been dating for 3 months at 19 and you say you want to get married or have a life together (elope as you put it). Then you say that you are mature for your age. 

For me, these are mutually exclusive.

listen, i know all about young love and the crazies that it implies. At this moment 3 months in your brain is overflowing with oxytocin which is a bonding hormone that is nature's way of getting mammals that need a couple to raise offspring to stick together. Making life changing decisions while under the influence of this internal high is very risky. 

Look, i'm not saying that you two can't make it work. Maybe you can, but if the risk is high for older, more experienced couples, for you it is very likely that this will end up in a huge disappointment. 

What exactly is all the rush? Why can't you enjoy your time together without committing to something with real consequences like marriage? You are studying? Can you even support yourselves properly? Or do you intend to live off your parents while being already married? 

I know, that if you were my daughter i would beg you not to do this. It has all the writings of a disaster in the making.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I wouldn't recommend that any young lady get married until she has the job skills necessary to support herself and a couple of kids should the need arise. There really is no need, these days, for a woman to deliberately put herself in a position where she is dependent upon a man. You want to stay married because you want to stay married, not because you'll have no other option. People change. People can become abusive, can develop addictions, can have affairs, can get fired, get thrown in prison. It's cool to be in love but I'd suggest that you be emotionally comfortable with living by yourself and you get a real education and real job skills so you can saw your end of the log or saw your own log, should the need arise.


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

I wish I had eloped. Met her when she was 19 and I was 23. We were looking a churches a couple months later. Instead, we hesitated and ended up breaking up less than a year later. I moved across the country to try to get her out of mind. Six years later she came out to visit and we married in a courthouse. Always wonder about this...especially this month as we celebrate 20 years of knowing each other...and 13 years of marriage.

Who can know? It might been terrible, might have been better. But in looking back in life the crazy chances I didn't take I regret.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Marrying before the age of 21 can be very challenging and to sustain the marriage could be slim. Truth is, yes you both are adults, but after three months of being together..you both are still in the honeymoon phase. At least wait a couple more months to experience more life together. Idk, seems like at this age, no matter who tells you what, the person won't listen and do what they feel is 'right'. _At the time_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

You are in the dopamine whirlwind stage, as another said.. the stars, moon & sun sits on each other.. DO NOT.. DO NOT.. DO NOT get married quickly... 

It would be wise to listen to your parents here. 

Relationship experts understand it takes a good 18 months + to get past the *infatuation stage* for a couple to see if what they share has the potential of lasting... this is for *compatibility's sake* on many levels...

Love can be blind & mistaken... in it's early stages... it is NOT ENOUGH...

Without the shared experiences, conflict resolution along the way... there is no way to predict if he is "the one"... and this goes for those with NO trauma in their pasts.. even more so for a couple that has some things to work through.

Go down this list... a number of areas of compatibility that could make or break a couple.. see where you stand...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Take a moment & read this article..... Love is Not Enough (I copied & pasted most of it )...

Speaks about the 3 HARSH TRUTHS ABOUT LOVE....



> The problem with idealizing love is that it causes us to develop unrealistic expectations about what love actually is and what it can do for us. These unrealistic expectations then sabotage the very relationships we hold dear in the first place. Allow me to illustrate:
> 
> *1. **Love does not equal compatibility.*
> 
> ...


then it speaks about the *THE FRIENDSHIP TEST*....



> One of the oldest pieces of relationship advice in the book is, “You and your partner should be best friends.” Most people look at that piece of advice in the positive: I should spend time with my partner like I do my best friend; I should communicate openly with my partner like I do with my best friend; I should have fun with my partner like I do with my best friend.
> 
> But people should also look at it in the negative: Would you tolerate your partner’s negative behaviors in your best friend?
> 
> ...


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