# Emotional maturity



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Or immaturity. This is the most exhausting part of being with a person with passive aggressive personality. And a lot of people in general are not emotionally mature. I don't understand why it is so hard to be aware of how you feel and be able to communicate directly about those feelings. 

I am so sick and tired of my husband not handling his anger with me. I don't understand why he can't identify that he is angry, and come up to me and directly tell me that he's upset with something I said or I've done. I'm so sick and tired of having to be a mind reader. I'm sick of him punishing me and being a **** to me when he's mad at me, instead of confronting the issue head on. I don't understand how in his head this makes sense. 

It's basic problem solving skills but with emotions. There's a problem (a negative emotion). Why do I feel this way? Let me communicate these feelings to my spouse so we can identify the issue and figure out how to solve it. Maybe something can be done, maybe I just need to vent and talk about it. 

Why is this so hard???


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> Or immaturity. This is the most exhausting part of being with a person with passive aggressive personality. And a lot of people in general are not emotionally mature. I don't understand why it is so hard to be aware of how you feel and be able to communicate directly about those feelings.
> 
> I am so sick and tired of my husband not handling his anger with me.* I don't understand why he can't identify that he is angry, and come up to me and directly tell me that he's upset with something I said or I've done. *I'm so sick and tired of having to be a mind reader. I'm sick of him punishing me and being a **** to me when he's mad at me, instead of confronting the issue head on. I don't understand how in his head this makes sense.
> 
> ...


My guess is he is afraid of you.

Tell him he can say whatever he feels, and you will listen patiently and try to understand him without getting defensive or making him feel threatened in any way.

Empathy can be a real game changer.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

jld said:


> My guess is he is afraid of you.
> 
> Tell him he can say whatever he feels, and you will listen patiently and try to understand him without getting defensive or making him feel threatened in any way.
> 
> Empathy can be a real game changer.



OP, if you try this, tell us how it worked out for you.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

jld said:


> My guess is he is afraid of you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I've tried. A million times. He can't even acknowledge that he is anger. He doesn't identify he's mad. He learned from a very young age that he is not allowed to express anger. And as a child he has acted passively like a **** In spite of who mad him mad. He has always done this. So for me, all I know is that he does certain things that make me mad on purpose even though I tel him not to. He does it anyway. So from my point of view he's being a ****, he's being disrespectful to me bc he does whatever he wants to do regardless of what I feel or say. And it is not ok. He does things he knows will piss me off then acts like he didn't know it would piss me off and he doesn't take responsibility for his action. But come to find out, he was mad at me for some reason that I don't know and that's how he expresses his anger, by passively punishing me. In the end, he never takes responsibility for his behavior, he never says sorry to me bc in his mind it's justified. And also he never admits that he is angry with me. He turns it all around on it being my fault somehow. 

I just tried again to address this issue, and he does what every passive aggressive person does... when he is faced with the indisputable truth, and he he is backed up into the wall and can't say anything but admit the truth (which he never will), he throws a child tantrum that has nothing to do with anything we are talking about, and he runs away and hides. He's been hiding in his spare room locked away for like 2 hrs because he can't come back and be confronted with the truth.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Here is an example... we are struggling with money. We have tons of loans from school. His lease for his car is up. We discussed how much he should spend on his next car. He wanted to spend a certain amount which I thought was ridiculously high. (He loves luxury cars). (By the way we share a bank account, and my car is old and payed for.)He thought what I wanted him to spend was too low. In the end we agreed on a price. He went out car looking for the next few weeks. One day he calls me from the dealership, he likes this infinity but it's over the amount we agreed upon. I told him flat out... do not get it. There is no rush, keep looking around. 2 hours later he drives home in that very affinity I told him not to get. I was pissed. We can't afford it. He acted like he couldn't believe I was mad bc it's not THAT much over. Please he knows me very well and he knows damn right I was going to be irate. The reality is, he was very angry with me because he wanted to spend more money on the car and he was mad at me bc I didn't let him. Instead of expressing his angry with me, he went out and bought what he wanted in spite. That is what he does.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> Or immaturity. This is the most exhausting part of being with a person with passive aggressive personality. And a lot of people in general are not emotionally mature. I don't understand why it is so hard to be aware of how you feel and be able to communicate directly about those feelings.
> 
> I am so sick and tired of my husband not handling his anger with me. I don't understand why he can't identify that he is angry, and come up to me and directly tell me that he's upset with something I said or I've done. I'm so sick and tired of having to be a mind reader. I'm sick of him punishing me and being a **** to me when he's mad at me, instead of confronting the issue head on. I don't understand how in his head this makes sense.
> 
> ...


I wish I knew. I just left my passive aggressive husband 6/7 weeks ago. We only communicate via text or email so I get to ignore it or hit delete now.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

jld said:


> My guess is he is afraid of you.
> 
> Tell him he can say whatever he feels, and you will listen patiently and try to understand him without getting defensive or making him feel threatened in any way.
> 
> Empathy can be a real game changer.


I wish it were that easy. That never worked for me. I tried for 20 years.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> I've tried. A million times. He can't even acknowledge that he is anger. He doesn't identify he's mad. He learned from a very young age that he is not allowed to express anger. And as a child he has acted passively like a **** In spite of who mad him mad. He has always done this. So for me, all I know is that he does certain things that make me mad on purpose even though I tel him not to. He does it anyway. So from my point of view he's being a ****, he's being disrespectful to me bc he does whatever he wants to do regardless of what I feel or say. And it is not ok. He does things he knows will piss me off then acts like he didn't know it would piss me off and he doesn't take responsibility for his action. But come to find out, he was mad at me for some reason that I don't know and that's how he expresses his anger, by passively punishing me. In the end, he never takes responsibility for his behavior, he never says sorry to me bc in his mind it's justified. And also he never admits that he is angry with me. He turns it all around on it being my fault somehow.
> 
> I just tried again to address this issue, and he does what every passive aggressive person does... when he is faced with the indisputable truth, and he he is backed up into the wall and can't say anything but admit the truth (which he never will), he throws a child tantrum that has nothing to do with anything we are talking about, and he runs away and hides. He's been hiding in his spare room locked away for like 2 hrs because he can't come back and be confronted with the truth.





katiecrna said:


> Here is an example... we are struggling with money. We have tons of loans from school. His lease for his car is up. We discussed how much he should spend on his next car. He wanted to spend a certain amount which I thought was ridiculously high. (He loves luxury cars). (By the way we share a bank account, and my car is old and payed for.)He thought what I wanted him to spend was too low. In the end we agreed on a price. He went out car looking for the next few weeks. One day he calls me from the dealership, he likes this infinity but it's over the amount we agreed upon. I told him flat out... do not get it. There is no rush, keep looking around. 2 hours later he drives home in that very affinity I told him not to get. I was pissed. We can't afford it. He acted like he couldn't believe I was mad bc it's not THAT much over. Please he knows me very well and he knows damn right I was going to be irate. The reality is, he was very angry with me because he wanted to spend more money on the car and he was mad at me bc I didn't let him. Instead of expressing his angry with me, he went out and bought what he wanted in spite. That is what he does.


Katie, you mentioned once that as a surgeon, he will be making a million a year, correct? Maybe he feels confident he will be able to pay whatever debt you two have accrued once he starts working in that capacity? 

I certainly appreciate your frustration. Relationships work much better when both people are open and honest and discuss their differences with an eye toward peacefully resolving them. 

But in the absence of that occurring naturally, the only other strategy I can think of is for the more emotionally mature one to lead by example. And, to me, part of that is making the less mature one feel safe in exposing their weaknesses.

Have you tried sharing a struggle of your own with him, including how you were able to resolve it? Maybe hearing about your struggles could give him the confidence to humbly and openly share some of his with you.

It does sound like you two have a Mother/Son dynamic going on. Neither of you seems very happy with it.

Despite your ongoing frustrations, you seem reluctant to leave him. Is that true, or have I misunderstood you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

prunus said:


> I wish it were that easy. That never worked for me. I tried for 20 years.


Some relationships are indeed lost causes, Prunus. 

Wishing you better luck moving forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I remember a lot of your other posts. Your husband is the guy doing his medical residency and working 100 hours a week isn't he? It's easy for someone who busts their butt like that to feel like they "deserve" something that makes them happy as a release for all of the stuff they do. Even if what they pick is ridiculous, like an expensive car. 

It can be soul crushing to work that many hours in such a draining job and come home with nothing to show for it (not making the big bucks you feel you should make to compensate for the enormous effort you put in). It can cause you to latch onto things that you think will make you happy just to justify moving forward.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I don't WANT to leave him. But I want him to grow and learn how to be in tune with his feelings and be able to communicate better. I know we need therapy. Maybe when we are done with schooling and everything but he is so stubborn


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Does he have some sort of mental illness that could possibly make him not see what he's doing? Or, is he just maybe really self-centered?



katiecrna said:


> I've tried. A million times. He can't even acknowledge that he is anger. He doesn't identify he's mad. He learned from a very young age that he is not allowed to express anger. And as a child he has acted passively like a **** In spite of who mad him mad. He has always done this. *So for me, all I know is that he does certain things that make me mad on purpose even though I tel him not to. He does it anyway. *So from my point of view he's being a ****, he's being disrespectful to me bc *he does whatever he wants to do regardless of what I feel or say. And it is not ok. He does things he knows will piss me off then acts like he didn't know it would piss me off and he doesn't take responsibility for his action. *But come to find out, he was mad at me for some reason that I don't know and that's how he expresses his anger, by passively punishing me. In the end, he never takes responsibility for his behavior, he never says sorry to me bc in his mind it's justified. And also he never admits that he is angry with me. He turns it all around on it being my fault somehow.
> 
> I just tried again to address this issue, and he does what every passive aggressive person does... when he is faced with the indisputable truth, and he he is backed up into the wall and can't say anything but admit the truth (which he never will), he throws a child tantrum that has nothing to do with anything we are talking about, and he runs away and hides. He's been hiding in his spare room locked away for like 2 hrs because he can't come back and be confronted with the truth.


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## ShatteredStill (Dec 20, 2016)

My husband is EXTREMELY passive aggressive. I'm a people pleaser to the extent it's a fault that I'm constantly working on. It can be a match made in hell. 

I've never been one to scream & shout. I can't do it. I've tried a couple of times but I end-up crying which wrecks my selfesteem. I don't know if that's a good response or not. I'm too sensitive. I know that about myself.

I'm not sure that the example you gave is that passive aggressive.

This is a recent example of us....

We had planned a Mexican night. A special dish & margaritas. I had prepared everything in advance. Just needed to finish off in the oven (5 minutes cook time) so I was waiting for him to return from work (he works VERY long hours) thinking I would wait for him to change clothes, then I'd pop it in the oven & pour drinks while he was in the garage smoking (his nightly routine).

He walked through the door with flowers from the supermarket & the margarita mix. I greeted him with a big hug & a kiss which he pulled away from. He stomped into the kitchen & threw the flowers on the side & dropped the mix in the bag to the floor (I have a degenerative spine so bending to pick it up causes me pain) I asked what was wrong. He huffed "nothing" as he stormed off to get changed. 

I got all upset. The kids started playing-up because of the tension so I tried to calm them again & did the pathetic 'puppy dog thing', trying to kiss him & be cute. To no avail. He started washing the bits in the sink (very rare occurrenc) & started huffing & puffing. I begged "What's wrong? What have I done?" & he started shouting about the smell in the sink. I said I was going to bleach it later. It did smell a little. I'm an artist & my brushes smell in the cleaner. He started shouting at me that it wasn't just today. It had been smelling for days!! (Not true. I'd cleaned it but painted again that day)

It became me crying & him screaming & banging around about sink smells. That's what it was ALL about!! Nothing I did could stop him. He went into the garage for about an hour while I got the kids ready for bed. 

When I calmly & rationally spoke to him, pointing out how irrational his behavior had been, he finally admitted it was all because he was disappointed. He had expected to walk through the door to be greeted by yummy cooking smells & have a margarita placed in his hand!!!!

I explained that the oven was hot, the food was prepared & had a 5 minute cooking time AND he was collecting the margarita mix. I told him of my plan. He stuck with the "I had a picture in my head & you disappointed me!". This time I FINALLY had the conversation about how passive aggressive he is. How a NOT passive aggressive person, thinking I had forgotten, would have reminded me!! Asked about the bloody food & drink. It would of been sorted in about 60 seconds & not hours & hours of treating me like s**t & making me cry & humiliate myself by whimpering around him trying to make everything nice!!!!

He seemed to understand. Ok, he still acts like a passive aggressive bum-hole frequently but not ALL the time anymore! We're in reconciliation after his recent EA with his mistress of 12 years ago. Part of that is me trying to stand-up for myself & not taking his c**p anymore. I don't know if I will divorce him but that's a different subject.

My H can't take criticism of any kind. His ego is so fragile. I mentioned the infidelity because it's part of the same problem. When he's in the wrong, breaking his own moral code he treats me in an extremely abusive manner. He kicks me into the gutter to justify his own behavior. It's all part of the same thing. He can't wake in a bad mood & say "Sorry, I'm in a really grumpy mood today. I don't know why." like I would. It's always someone else's fault. He will buy things & not tell me like a naughty child WHEN I've NEVER said that he can't buy anything!! He knows that he shouldn't be wasting the money so he projects onto me. He treats me like "The Old Ball & Chain" which isn't deserved.

Living with a passive aggressive partner is extremely hard & I'm not sure that it can ever be 'cured'. It part of a whole personality disorder. It would take a lot of introspection, recognition & hard work. Most passive aggressives aren't capable of that because....they're passive aggressive!! Hahaha!! 

Best of luck!


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