# Role of the husband with a wife with depression.



## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

I posted on here a couple of weeks ago and thanks to those who replied.

Now after the wifey getting officvally diagnosed today and now having to have counsilling every week what is my role considering, 

+lovley home with child
+sex approx 3 times this year
+financially stable
+i put up with her moods due to condition
+makes me (a happy person) down during her sad times
+no loving/intamacy about
+we dont fight but dont talk/go out as much and even when i do suggest things she throwns

anyhow that will do for now, im guessing most of you will say care/love/respect/ be there for her.

but i think sometimes people forget about the happy people who have to live with partners with depression


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

In my case, the role is essentially that of mental health caregiver. If you don't have thick skin, get some. If you have problems or needs, get over them or quietly deal with them yourself. Depending on how "bad" her condition is, it'll probably consume 99.9% of her focus and attention, leaving basically no time or energy for anything you might need. I'd think one of your primary roles will be to function as the only consistently stable and available parent. You'll need the patience of Job. If you have pesky notions of fairness, lose them. "Fair" is only a place to ride the Merry-go-Round and eat cotton candy. If you have expectations, lose those or lower them. If marriage is akin to two oxen yoked together, the one beside you is crippled. If the field is going to get plowed, it's up to you. Not only will you do most of the work alone, you will often have to carry her on your back as you pull the plow. On the bright side, she's getting treatment, so maybe she can eventually carry a greater load. Till then, learn to enjoy brief simple moments of happiness and peace.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

If your partner does not have an interest or commitment getting better then you don't have a role. You're just standing around being emotionally battered by her. If she does then great. Get on with your live together and don't make her issues the only point of your existence. If she had MS would you spend every waking moment managing and servicing her MS? I hope not.


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## Duddy (Apr 29, 2011)

If it's ok to ask, what kind of depression has your wife been diagnosed with? For example, mild/moderate or more serious bipolar?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

As a formerly depressed wife my heart goes out to you. I have ptsd and was not fun to be around. I was committed to healing (and work daily to stay that way) so that gave my husband reason to stick around. If you don't get that you have no role other than to become the scapegoat for everything that is wrong with her.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

not sure what depression she has but my guess is mild.moderate,
she actually had a great day today after her counsilling. she was told to enjoy the simple things in life, walk, fresh air,dinner. which we did and was no sign of it and a great day was had but 1 day in 14 is normally the case.


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## Duddy (Apr 29, 2011)

That's great to hear that you had a a nice time together brendan. As you probably know, exercise itself (for example, brisk walking 3 times per week) can really help in depression management. 

Let me know if I can help out in anyway with additional information and resources. If you have any questions, you can post them here and I'll respond quickly or contact me privately if you like.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

thank you duddy, she is due back to the clinic tomorrow.
She had a good week but had a really shocking day on saturday.

This will souns familiar to a lot of husbands on here ill guess,

We both had saturday off work and after we got out of bed and got the daughter ready and did little thing like read the paper and brekfast, she just sat on the couch reading her book for 3 hrs straight while i was cleanign up around the house/yard. So i asked her out for lunch - she said yes but then bagged where i took her. The we were asked over someones house for beers and dinner which she declined to do. We went back home about 4ish and as i was cleaning up the house and re arrnaging a few things, she snapped and had a go at me for worrying about the house to much i was about to have a go back but didnt.

then at sixish i was talking to my daughter and said something liek " why didnt you tell dad". Wifey overheard as she walked through and says " OH WHAT HAVE I DONE NOW"

I was shocked as she wasnt in the room when i was talking, and i lost it and had a go at her. I said i didnt appreciate her neagativity and putting me down all the time. I then said i was trying to understand her illness but dont put the ones that love you down the most. I told her she talks to me like **** and how can i help.(knowing from what i have read is not much). But then threatend to start sleeping in seperate bed which was a shock to her.


It was sort of a shock tactic on my behalf but i have heard that sometimes its needed.
ANyhow thats my week all good except 1 days where she throwned and was so negative about everything.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

sorry to read what you are going through. I was in your wife's shoes after having kids for about 3 years..it was mild initially and didnt affect anyone much other than occasional quarrels. The last year was particularly challenging after some guilt set in me. my husband is basically a happy and content person and I became a very sad, negative, cranky and grumpy person. Luckily I figured out whats wrong with me through reading and of course from this forum. Although we had some problems during the first year, slowly my husband understood that i need help. The best thing is he didnt even make it look like he is helping me or make me feel that I have the problem. Some of the things he did that helped me are..........

Consistent family routines like Saturday couple night, Sunday morn at the beach with family
helping out at home and kids
always telling my kids that I am a great mommy 
Being there to listen whenever I want to vent and not judging or passing solutions
Being fun to be around
Though he works long hours he tried his best.........having said all that he could have not helped me in anyway if I hadn't realized whats happening to me and that I wanted to help myself.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

thanks for input.

I have been requested by her phsychologist to meet with her which i am happy about. The main issue for us at the moment is no affection and no sex which is a problem. But im excpecting to find out some hidden truths next week.


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