# Wife cheated or not



## FOOLED (Jan 11, 2010)

New user here - Beg your patience so here goes.
Back last summer I discovered my wife had secret email accounts (3 of them) and I discovered after 21 years of marriage she was seeing other men. I printed off the emails (sent them to my lawyer for safe keeping) From the hundreds of emails I had the unpleasant task of reading it appeared she had met many men and kissed and made out with a few of them,maybe more that a few.
When I confronted her with the emails she told me she was glad it was all in the open and it was only chat. She had memberships to dating and cheating sites. I asked her about those and she told me it was all fantasy nothing more.
When I asked her specific details she gave few and only said nothing happened. In her emails she refered to her chat companions as her lovers and how she needed to meet with him soon and couldnt wait for their next session together.
She told me I am reading too much into it yet some of the emails sent to her were very detailed in how he wanted to make out with here again and continue to develop their intimacy. 
She will not tell me what went on except to say "she never slept with them"
In the months following I have be seeking counseling but I still feel like an idiot and I still get the impression she would rather be with somebody else. I am staying in the marriage for our 4 kids...She says she has stopped and I can check her computer whenever I want yet I still dont trust her.
Our sex life improved for a few months following our great crash but has returned to its normal 2-3 times a month
Any advice ?? What should I do ??
Help


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Well, she is right about one thing... its fantasy. Have you asked her why she has the need to have a fantasy life with others? Is there something she wants to do with you that she is hesitant to ask for or has been denied? How can you be her fantasy? She is missing something within herself that she is filling somewhere outside your marriage. So, she has either not asked for it from you, or feels you wont give it.

You have a lawyer? Are you interested in divorce? Please explain a little more.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hey, I'm not sure I would believe her that nothing happened. 
Why do you think this is alright to do. I don't blame you for not trusting her, if it was fantasy why didn't she just tell you that she was just having some fun with this.......
There is probably something more that she is not telling you, I would have a conversation about her thinking in this relationship and what her actions have left you with.....
I'm 23 years married and I just found out my husband was having an affair, the trust issues are the most important here and with you as well. 
why don't you do the thearapy sessions with your wife and see what you two can discover about your marriage. I think it's a great idea.........
good luck


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Polygraph her. Tell her that its the lie detector or its the road. Does she work or is she a SAHM? If she is I would completely cut off all her finances, credit cards. She wouldn't just stop doing what she is doing if it was a fantasy, without getting depressed that is.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Show of hands. How many of us have read the "It was just fantasy and nothing happened after I joined the dating sites" posts on here? How many have read where a spouse actually admitted they were looking for dates?

Your wife is a major league serial cheater. You've got trouble.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Keylogger her computer. GPS tag her car. Watch and see what happens.


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## FOOLED (Jan 11, 2010)

I did keylog her computer and ths how I got her email accounts. She told me there was no intercoarse and thats all thats important. I expect there was everything up to and maybe including intercoarse. 
She works outside the home and what makes me feel so stupid is that she insisted she only work 3 or 4 days a week because she had so many other things that needed to be done. Her boss allowed her schedule and it was those "days off" she was running errands and meeting her men freinds.


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

FOOLED said:


> I did keylog her computer and ths how I got her email accounts.


If you felt the need to keylog her computer there's something more to this story, some reason you distrusted her before you found out about her affairs. And make no mistake, these are affairs she is having. Even if she didn't sleep with these men (which is very much up for question at this point), she obviously felt the need to connect intimately with others. I'd be going insane if I were you with the way she seems to be treating it like it's no big deal, what's the history here?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

FOOLED said:


> She will not tell me what went on except to say "she never slept with them"
> 
> ...She says she has stopped and I can check her computer whenever I want yet I still dont trust her.


This really gives me the impression that she isn't remorseful for her actions. If she was, she would be answering your questions openly and honestly and living open book, calling you often to reassure you of her whereabouts, etc. to regain your trust.

In addition, she would be actively working on improving the marriage and openly discuss what was missing that caused her to seek attention outside of the marriage.

If that isn't happening, I would tend to believe that she's only upset she got caught and will find a better way to hide her activities.

If she knows you will not leave the marriage, what is the risk on her end if she falters again?


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

OK, there is a cheater in your house! Its the old Bill Clinton "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!" BS. BJ is sex, period. You r wife may not be having intercourse with them, but the fact that there are "them" and "them" are men... thats a problem. 

She will only find a better way to hide things is right, Swedish!

I think FOOLED is a good username. I feel so bad for you. 

2 choices:

leave

stay with a blind eye and heart as she will continue this behavior. If she has plural/multiple "men" she has an addiction to some sort of attention or fettish or something. Generally when a woman strays on her marriage as an "affair" its with one man.

That choice is up to you, but man it will drive you to an early grave with worry and poor self esteem unless you find a great therapist who you can see everyday, or another woman who you can bonk... but that is not a marriage. If you stay its a win win for her.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

This is all pretty bad. "There was no intercourse" is about the worst defense imaginable.


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## distraught (Sep 30, 2009)

Fooled, I was that woman who had to find validation outside of my marriage. I had my reasons... gay porn, and finding out my H had lied to me all of our married life. I'm making no excuses... I was wrong to look for validation outside. I had tried to work on our marriage with counselling and he thought it was a big joke. Again I was wrong to choose that path, and would turn back time if I could.

Here is the thing though. For women, finding comfort in chat, and in fantasys is often enough. To have a man find her attractive, pay attention to her, and make her a priority, can send a woman over the moon. If her husband finds no value in treating her well... is it any wonder she can be swept off her feet? Just saying... if she said there was no intercourse, I would believe her. 
You also need to ask yourself why she turned to other men in the first place.
Lastly, I don't know where you are in your marriage now, as I see you posted this several years ago. I hope you were able to move forward, and not dwell in the past. It's important that you both acknowledge the hurt you caused each other, but more importantly you need to move forward together. If you can't do this, I would suggest SHE find a way out of the marriage.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

This post is 2 years old


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

distraught said:


> Fooled, I was that woman who had to find validation outside of my marriage. I had my reasons... gay porn, and finding out my H had lied to me all of our married life. I'm making no excuses... I was wrong to look for validation outside. I had tried to work on our marriage with counselling and he thought it was a big joke. Again I was wrong to choose that path, and would turn back time if I could.
> 
> Here is the thing though. For women, finding comfort in chat, and in fantasys is often enough. To have a man find her attractive, pay attention to her, and make her a priority, can send a woman over the moon. If her husband finds no value in treating her well... is it any wonder she can be swept off her feet? Just saying... if she said there was no intercourse, I would believe her.
> You also need to ask yourself why she turned to other men in the first place.
> Lastly, I don't know where you are in your marriage now, as I see you posted this several years ago. I hope you were able to move forward, and not dwell in the past. It's important that you both acknowledge the hurt you caused each other, but more importantly you need to move forward together. If you can't do this, I would suggest SHE find a way out of the marriage.


It is still cheating even when it is not penis in vagina sex.

SHE was wrong. HE needed to kick her the the proverbial CURB. IMHO.

I take it your comments are really just an overflow from another thread.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Dealing with one episode of infidelity itself was hard enough, but a serial cheater now thats another thing entirely


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Fooled---you can do whatever you want, in how you deal with her cheating---but NEVER, ever let her tell you cuz it wasn't physical, it wasn't cheating

She was talking to other men, looking for relationships----what does she think married women do---is she that stupid, or was she dropped on her head, at some point in her life

When you take vows---you are saying to your spouse---there is us, and only us, agst., the world-----she being on dating sites, is not US

If you are to allow her to stay, you must take a much harsher tact, and you must FORCE, her to understand, that her talking to strange men, about anything, is illicit.

You can't just allow her to stay in this mge, as if nothing happened----she was out looking for men, and that is not part of the married script---IT IS PART OF A SINGLE'S SCRIPT

When you have your next discussion about her chasing after men, for that's what it is---do not be nice----also she puts her family at risk, by associating with strange men----you do not know what kind of a person is on the other end of that computer, and she is literally inviting them into her life, and your life-----handle this, and be tough!!!!!!


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Whats wrong here? The OP's post was 2 years back - No post after that. A lot must have happened after that. 
Why everybody is posting here?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

FOOLED,

I think you should have gathered more evidence with the help of a PI.

If she had secret email accounts, how do you expect her to admit the PA? In reply, you got : nothing physical happened.

By the way, are you okay if it was only EA?

Without valid and conclusive evidences, confrontations are doomed to end like this.

I think you have jumped the gun.


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