# give her opportunity to see if she cheats again?



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

I know a lot of the consequences for a WS are no more GNOs, etc, etc.....but I feel a bit different around this...I am reconciling with my fWW and i almost feel like daring her to do it again in a way.....

why restrict her opportunities to have another chance at cheating? if she is willing to do it again I want her to have her chances so I can end it right then and there, I mean otherwise if you dont let things like GNOs happen arent you potentially restricting someone from doing something they might be willing to do which they arent being honest with you about?? I say if she is truly honest about her remorse and regret....prove it, put yourself in that situation again and show that you are no longer vulnerable....I dont want to be with someone who is keeping straight just because am limiting their opportunities...

not sure if this makes sense, looking for others opinions....if she wants to try again, I know this time what am looking for and there will not be a 2nd chance....there wont be even a chance for her to explain....


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Did you WW cheat on you via GNO's or use GNO's as a cover for her cheating? If yes to either, and you two are pretty new to R, wouldn't her wanting to go on a GNO shortly afterwards be an indicator to you that she does not truly feel remorse? If I was a cheater and trying to reconcile, I'd want to make by BW feel as if she never had anything to worry about again. I would WANT to be around her as much as she could stand it to assure her that I'm committed to her. 

Maybe if you've been in R for 2 years or so that a GNO may not be an issue anymore once you've had the chance to rebuild the trust (if that is ever possible).


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think some of the consequences are put in place to help the marriage heal. Individually, a WS and a BS need healing and growth as well. Obviously your wife is weak in areas and boundaries and restrictions might help her to develop into a stronger more faithful woman.

In a sense, I think a BS that agrees to R is agreeing to help a WS become a better person and is sacrificing something of themselves to accomplish it.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Just cut to the chase and tell her you want her to be a hot wife. then divorce her when she does it. Saves a lot of time and intel costs that way.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

The point of curtailing GNO's and whatever other sacrifices are asked for is not to eliminate the opportunity to cheat. There is always an opportunity to cheat. Unless you plan to spend 24/7 with her, or lock her in a dungeon, she has the opportunity to cheat.

The point is to establish a consequence. If she is truly remorseful, she will be willing to give up these things to help put your mind at ease. Would she still enjoy a night out with her friends, of course, who wouldn't. But the point is she should be willing to give that up because she hurt you doing those things and giving them up is a way to prove to you that you are more important.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

CantBelieveThis said:


> *I say if she is truly honest about her remorse and regret....prove it, put yourself in that situation again and show that you are no longer vulnerable*....I dont want to be with someone who is keeping straight just because am limiting their opportunities...


If she's proven to be vulnerable in certain situations, then why in the world would you tempt fate by putting her right back in those situations? That makes zero sense. :scratchhead:

One of the main things that needs to be done when recovering from infidelity is to eliminate all conditions that led to the betrayal to begin with.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Just cut to the chase and tell her you want her to be a hot wife. then divorce her when she does it. Saves a lot of time and intel costs that way.


Machiavelli wins this thread. :smthumbup:


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

This is not a good idea. Do you think she only has eyes for you? Do you only have eyes for her? If so you're robots so I guess it would be okay.

Part of being a good partner is not putting yourself in tempting situations. GNO's put her is situations where other men can flirt with her and her them. Add alcohol to lower inhibitions and anything can happen.

You should not allow this. More importantly she should not want this. If she is truly remorseful then she shouldn't want to be in situations that you don't like. She shouldn't want to be in situations that offer temptations to her.

The real question you should be asking is if she is truly remorseful.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

3putt said:


> If she's proven to be vulnerable in certain situations, then why in the world would you tempt fate by putting her right back in those situations? That makes zero sense. :scratchhead:
> 
> One of the main things that needs to be done when recovering from infidelity is to eliminate all conditions that led to the betrayal to begin with.


It doesn't seem to make sense on the surface, but part of me can see where he is coming from. IF they really want to cheat and be out and the only reason they are not is because of our conditions and consequences set forth, are we really getting someone that wants to be in a marriage and who wants to be in that marriage for years until they do it again. Get it over with and see from the get go, so the pain can be minimized.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

confusedFather said:


> This is not a good idea. Do you think she only has eyes for you? Do you only have eyes for her? If so you're robots so I guess it would be okay.
> 
> Part of being a good partner is not putting yourself in tempting situations. GNO's put her is situations where other men can flirt with her and her them. Add alcohol to lower inhibitions and anything can happen.
> 
> ...


I agree with this, but then you are giving her the choice. Good partners might look, but they don't step out and that is the problem when they do. If you control their activity are you really a good partner? Really good partners wouldn't be here in the first place as the infidelity wouldn't have occurred.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

CantBelieveThis said:


> I dont want to be with someone who is keeping straight just because am limiting their opportunities...


No, you want someone who will keep straight by recognizing where boundaries should lie and thereby limiting their own opportunities (or, more accurately, temptations). If GNO is the key issue, she should voluntarily refrain from them while you are still recovering. If she does not, then she doesn't get it.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> I agree with this, but then you are giving her the choice. Good partners might look, but they don't step out and that is the problem when they do. If you control their activity are you really a good partner? Really good partners wouldn't be here in the first place as the infidelity wouldn't have occurred.


It's part of the give and take. Marriage isn't a fairy tale where we all live happily ever after. Even with real love and affection the relationship takes effort. To me establishing and respecting boundaries is part of that work.

You're right when you say you can't control their activity. If you decide something is out of bounds and it is a reasonable request your partner should be able to do this for you. This is not control this is just establishing boundaries. It's only control if your partner insists on doing it and you insist they don't. At that point the problem is not really the activity but the inability to do the work to make a relationship work.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

When does POSOM get out of jail? (just checked your other thread). That might have something to do with if you can ever trust her again.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

confusedFather said:


> It's part of the give and take. Marriage isn't a fairy tale where we all live happily ever after. Even with real love and affection the relationship takes effort. To me establishing and respecting boundaries is part of that work.
> 
> You're right when you say you can control their activity. If you decide something is out of bounds and it is a reasonable request your partner should be able to do this for you. This is not control this is just establishing boundaries. It's only control if your partner insists on doing it and you insist they don't. At that point the problem is not really the activity but the inability to do the work to make a relationship work.


:iagree::iagree::iagree: That is I guess why sometimes I hate the idea of consequences because that to me insinuates a type of punishment being delved out. If they really don't want to be in the marriage is it fair for me to require it?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Acoa said:


> The point of curtailing GNO's and whatever other sacrifices are asked for is not to eliminate the opportunity to cheat. There is always an opportunity to cheat. Unless you plan to spend 24/7 with her, or lock her in a dungeon, she has the opportunity to cheat.
> 
> The point is to establish a consequence. If she is truly remorseful, she will be willing to give up these things to help put your mind at ease. Would she still enjoy a night out with her friends, of course, who wouldn't. But the point is she should be willing to give that up because she hurt you doing those things and giving them up is a way to prove to you that you are more important.


:iagree:

I would also argue that if you accept those loose boundaries, it's "harder" to catch her cheating; especially since in theory, they would be smarter in hiding it.

And that leaves open the better probability that you won't catch her.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree: That is I guess why sometimes I hate the idea of consequences because that to me insinuates a type of punishment being delved out. * If they really don't want to be in the marriage is it fair for me to require it?*


But what if they do want to save the marriage? If so, they shouldn't have a problem with it.


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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

3putt said:


> If she's proven to be vulnerable in certain situations, then why in the world would you tempt fate by putting her right back in those situations? That makes zero sense. :scratchhead:
> 
> One of the main things that needs to be done when recovering from infidelity is to eliminate all conditions that led to the betrayal to begin with.


:iagree: 

OP, you're playing with fire if you don't have any consequences in place and encourage her to have GNOs.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

Cheaters are like addicts and you don't put addicts in situations where they are likely to relapse.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

sorry a GNO was just an example....and it had nothing to do with her affair...

i guess the point am maybe not making is that I dont want to force her into the marriage by limiting her exposure to opportunities? I have no indication she isnt truly committed but since one cant trust a cheater anyways, and you have being shown a side you never knew they had, I almost feel like is a test she has to endure if she truly means when she says she will never ever be temped again by anyone.

I mean she is the one making the large claims that she has totally learned her lesson, she is no longer weak to affairs and will never go there again and how she now knows all her boundaries all too well and how to keep them in check at the smallest sign

maybe am just looking at this wrong and there are other ways to accomplish what am looking for?




confusedFather said:


> This is not a good idea. Do you think she only has eyes for you? Do you only have eyes for her? If so you're robots so I guess it would be okay.


i have eyes for others too...but doesnt mean i will cheat...but I dont disagree with you in that it could be a bad idea



CASE_Sensitive said:


> When does POSOM get out of jail? (just checked your other thread). That might have something to do with if you can ever trust her again.


3 years out....



Machiavelli said:


> Just cut to the chase and tell her you want her to be a hot wife. then divorce her when she does it. Saves a lot of time and intel costs that way.


if I understood you correctly, thats almost like I feel like doing....


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

CantBelieveThis said:


> I know a lot of the consequences for a WS are no more GNOs, etc, etc.....but I feel a bit different around this...I am reconciling with my fWW and i almost feel like daring her to do it again in a way.....


Hmmm..... I've read your threads, at this point I'd divorce. Sorry, if that isn't helpful, but you seem to regress almost as much as you progress. To me, it would mean it is over.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

CantBelieveThis said:


> I mean she is the one making the large claims that she has totally learned her lesson, she is no longer weak to affairs and will never go there again and how she now knows all her boundaries all too well and how to keep them in check at the smallest



What she should have learned is that given the right conditions she is capable of falling to temptation. To keep that from happening again she needs to understand that and avoid the conditions under which she knows she is vulnerable. 

People don't magically grow new willpower. What they can gain is understanding of how to avoid temptation.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Marriage is no place to play games like this. Either you are both "All-In" or "All-Out". 

To see if she can resist everything except temptation is disrespectful of her and yourself.

If she wants to head out again, she will regardless. If she never wants to do that again, she won't. It's not you, it's her.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Hmmm..... I've read your threads, at this point I'd divorce. Sorry, if that isn't helpful, but you seem to regress almost as much as you progress. To me, it would mean it is over.


sorry I didnt get this...can you elaborate?


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Acoa said:


> What she should have learned is that given the right conditions she is capable of falling to temptation. To keep that from happening again she needs to understand that and avoid the conditions under which she knows she is vulnerable.
> 
> People don't magically grow new willpower. What they can gain is understanding of how to avoid temptation.


thank you, that was very insightful....


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

CantBelieveThis said:


> sorry I didnt get this...can you elaborate?


I'll use one of your own posts:



CantBelieveThis said:


> good lord man, how do you know this???
> 
> just on easter day, large family gathering at our house...all our family there, her parents and her talking laughing having a great time.....all the mean time am sitting there all p1ssed off saying to myself "this is bullsht....this is wrong, I cant stand it"....i seriously just wanted to bolt out and run out of my own house that day because life just seems so undisturbed to her and of course her parents act like nothing has ever happened......i cant stress enough how much it bothers me her parents dont care, i dont even feel like talking to them anymore....
> 
> ...


I think she crossed a line, codependency or not, your personal code cannot logically reconcile with your love of this woman. You're in limbo because you are at war with yourself. You are now ready to play games and dare her to cheat to let yourself off the hook from making a hard decision. Divorce is never easy, but if you give her the opportunity to become a serial cheater, the attempt may become easier for you to accept.

So, if it is that bad, I am saying you should divorce.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

I have to agree with the op on this, what's the point being in a relationship with someone you can't trust.
If you don't trust your partner then you shouldn't be with them.

As long as the ws has shown appropriate remorse, heavy lifting and proved that they are trustworthy then give them the rope to hang themselves if they wish.

Let's face it if the person is prepared to cheat then they wouldn't require a night out to do it, they will find a way. Why should you suffer with paranoia and finding endless ways to prevent your partner ending up in a situation where infidelity is possible, it's like trying to herd a pack of cats.

If they cheat again then at least you know that person never really had any true remorse, it would save you a world of pain further down the road especially if it gets to a point where your options for a true and honest relationship are getting narrower. 

Just my opinion


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

CantBelieveThis said:


> I know a lot of the consequences for a WS are no more GNOs, etc, etc.....but I feel a bit different around this...I am reconciling with my fWW and i almost feel like daring her to do it again in a way.....
> 
> why restrict her opportunities to have another chance at cheating? if she is willing to do it again I want her to have her chances so I can end it right then and there, I mean otherwise if you dont let things like GNOs happen arent you potentially restricting someone from doing something they might be willing to do which they arent being honest with you about??


Here is the thing. If she wants to still go on GNOs, then there is no need to see if she cheats again. She clearly doesn't respect you or care what you feel. 

You shouldn't restrict her GNO opportunities. If she cared about you and wants to make the marriage work, SHE HERSELF should want to stop those activities.

So cheating or not, if I were to reconcile with a wife after she cheated and still wanted to go out to meat markets, that alone is enough for me to tell her to not bother coming home.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> It doesn't seem to make sense on the surface, but part of me can see where he is coming from. IF they really want to cheat and be out and the only reason they are not is because of our conditions and consequences set forth, are we really getting someone that wants to be in a marriage and who wants to be in that marriage for years until they do it again. Get it over with and see from the get go, so the pain can be minimized.


How far would you go in placing temptation in front of a fWS? And how desirable would you make that temptation?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> How far would you go in placing temptation in front of a fWS? And how desirable would you make that temptation?


How is removing restrictions "placing temptation in front of a fWS?" 

To me, "placing temptation in front of a fWS" would be dropping her off at a bar, knowing she cheated, with a group of Toxic friends and saying "Have fun." If she asks to go, on her own, she made a choice and the responsibility falls on the wayward not the betrayed.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

With that kind of thinking, it's like her pointing a gun at you and then you point out that the gun is empty and hand her a loaded clip. See what I mean?


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I'll use one of your own posts:
> 
> I think she crossed a line, codependency or not, your personal code cannot logically reconcile with your love of this woman. You're in limbo because you are at war with yourself. You are now ready to play games and dare her to cheat to let yourself off the hook from making a hard decision. Divorce is never easy, but if you give her the opportunity to become a serial cheater, the attempt may become easier for you to accept.
> 
> So, if it is that bad, I am saying you should divorce.


Nice quote of OP. It's always good to hoist someone on their own petard.

CantBelieveThis, I agree with phillybeffandswiss that your wife crossed a line, but its pretty apparent to me that you CAN reconcile your love of this woman with her actions.

You're taking her back, forgiving her, and excusing her. Everything else is just sound and fury, meaning nothing.

You are wondering if you should encourage her to put herself in situations where she can cheat again so..... what, you'll divorce her? Well, then, by golly, she'd better not cheat in the first place! Oh, wait.......

If you want to keep her, keep her. If you want to divorce her, divorce her. But either way, own your decision and be a leader about it.

After cheating on you, your wife going out on GNOs would be a strong indicator that she isn't truly remorseful. But she may not see it that way. If you want to save your marriage and you're not sure how good of a mind reader she is, TELL HER WHAT YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE. If she asks why a boundary exists, explain it to her.

You're a man. Set your expectations, tell her what they are, and then see if she measures up to them and does what you need to heal. If she doesn't then you have another decision to make. 

If your plan is to let her wander into temptation, you should probably be looking really hard at your decision to keep her after she cheated the first time. It's your thread. It's not about her, dude....


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

CantBelieveThis said:


> I know a lot of the consequences for a WS are no more GNOs, etc, etc.....but I feel a bit different around this...I am reconciling with my fWW and i almost feel like daring her to do it again in a way.....
> 
> why restrict her opportunities to have another chance at cheating? if she is willing to do it again I want her to have her chances so I can end it right then and there, I mean otherwise if you dont let things like GNOs happen arent you potentially restricting someone from doing something they might be willing to do which they arent being honest with you about?? I say if she is truly honest about her remorse and regret....prove it, put yourself in that situation again and show that you are no longer vulnerable....I dont want to be with someone who is keeping straight just because am limiting their opportunities...
> 
> ...


If she were truly trying to R, she would take it upon herself to avoid placing herself in the same temptation. I believe people are either betrayers or they are not. She has the proven propensity to betray. Either accept it and learn to cope or don't R.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

CantBelieveThis said:


> I know a lot of the consequences for a WS are no more GNOs, etc, etc.....but I feel a bit different around this...I am reconciling with my fWW and i almost feel like daring her to do it again in a way.....
> 
> why restrict her opportunities to have another chance at cheating? if she is willing to do it again I want her to have her chances so I can end it right then and there, I mean otherwise if you dont let things like GNOs happen arent you potentially restricting someone from doing something they might be willing to do which they arent being honest with you about?? I say if she is truly honest about her remorse and regret....prove it, put yourself in that situation again and show that you are no longer vulnerable....I dont want to be with someone who is keeping straight just because am limiting their opportunities...
> 
> not sure if this makes sense, looking for others opinions....if she wants to try again, I know this time what am looking for and there will not be a 2nd chance....there wont be even a chance for her to explain....


CantBelieveThis, 

I think you're kind of looking at this bassackward. 

When you set "boundaries" it's not about YOU telling her what she can and can not do...put a fence and restrictions around her. If you do that, then you are, indeed, just being "controlling" and forcing her to do what she (maybe) doesn't want to do. That is punishment, and that doesn't cut the mustard. 

However, this is not what "boundaries" are. 

"Boundaries" are when you put a fence around YOU...and then you decide who you are and are not willing to allow inside your fence. For example, you mentioned the GNO thing, so let's use that as an example of "boundaries" vs. "controlling." 

If you put up a fence around her and say, "You can not have any more GNO's whether you want to or not," then that honestly is forcing someone to do something. You would be forcing your ways and your beliefs and your morality onto her. 

But if you put a fence around YOURSELF and say, "You are free to do whatever you think is right and make choices for yourself, but I have made a choice too. I have chosen to NOT have a person be my intimate, close partner if they consistently chooses GNO's over spending time with me." [Or as another example, "I have chosen to NOT have a person in my life who consistently chooses to avoid regular, mutually enjoyable sexuality with me."]

Can you see the difference?

You are not giving her a list of rules she HAS TO live by and you have to monitor and enforce. She's FREE. She can choose what she decides to do! But in exactly the same way that she can choose, you can too...and you choose to only allow people into your close, intimate, inner-circle who treat you well, who respect you, who are honest and demonstrate it by having words and actions match, who are sexual with you, who like you, who prefer you above everyone else, and who WANT to spend time with you.

Thus, you don't have to monitor her at all. You just objectively observe what she is and is not choosing, and you monitor yourself. Are you willing to accept that kind of behavior? Are you willing to live like that? Are you willing to be treated like that? You monitor what YOU are accepting!! You monitor YOU.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Your wife had an affair with a hardened criminal. Did she break it off because he went to jail, or so you wouldn't D her(sorry, I don't remember)?

Anyway, say she goes on a GNO once a month. Where do GNO's usually take place... Clubs, bars and nightclubs, right.

Places loaded with guys just looking to hook up with women. Single, OR married women.

She was bedded by a thug. The guys that she's going to meet during GNO will generally be better looking, more intelligent, cleaner(STDs) and will be there for the purpose of scoring women. See where I'm goin' with this?...

Even if your wife shows up not "looking", they'll be men there that are "looking". Even if she had not cheated before, there will be opportunity after opportunity, GNO after GNO, guy after guy. You spin the wheel enough times and...

Why tempt fate.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Go home spam bot. You're drunk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you have looked up infidelity statistics, 70-75% of men and women admit they would cheat if they knew they wouldn't get caught. About 35% do cheat. 80% of those never get caught.

It pretty obvious that gno's and bno's are not for married people. They are finding sex and a mate.

Have you gone to ptsd counseling. Have you read mmslp?

If you do the opposite of c*ck blocking, expect the c*cks to not be blocked.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

How about twisting the game for her some?

Tell her you want her to do what she wants. If she wants to cheat, bring the guy home and be comfy. If she goes somewhere else, tell her you want to hear all the details, then re-enact the scene with her.

Ask her what kind of man she likes, and how she'd pick him up. Tell her to buy special affair undies for when she goes out, then tuck a note inside that says, "good luck, hot stuff!"

Get her some new gym clothes, and tell her she'll have better luck if she is super-toned. Get her some tanning coupons, too.

Tell her that you'd rather see her fulfilled sexually and emotionally than yourself. You'll be content to read a book and fantasize, etc.

She'll either see the folly of her self-indulgence, or be so preoccupied with all the weird stuff she'll feel too self conscience to cheat. 

Maybe. You know cheaters.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

It seems like you are not sure if you made the right decision to R. 

It is understandable but you are conflicted as to whether you want to R or D. These doubts as to whether you did the correct thing in trying R will linger for quite a long time.

I would suggest you get rid of those thoughts of letting her loose and talk more of boundaries. GNO or any other idea of giving her slack is not good in many ways. It is as if you are pushing her away. If you want to R then boundaries are needed in your marriage not the opposite.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

i think i made a mess of my original post, she has not asked for any GNO, neither was a GNO the source of her infidelity. I simply used that as one example scenario of testing her new commitment to fidelity

I have gotten very good feedback from everyone that helps me see this from a different perspective now, which I didnt see before...I can see the risks in taking my approach to let her into opportunities. 
My reason for wanting to "test her" I think its because I have been myself in many a tempting situations (such as in business trips, etc) and had plenty of opportunities however never even remotely thought of acting upon them, so maybe I am projecting myself onto how I would expect her to behave?

Fundamentally I think my issue is not trusting what she says when she claims she has gotten so over her weakness, and how she is now literally immune to future temptation. I was looking for a way (flawed one perhaps) to let her prove that?


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

I think i can understand the OP thoughts here, as i have had similar questions.
that said it is not a good idea for GNO.
ones poster said you do not put addicts in a situation where they could fail and i agree.
at least now my wife will say no to GNO without even asking me. she knows it helps put my mind at ease.

I think maybe the OP is in some sort of limbo and as all BS wonder will the spouse cheat again.
to test her in certain situations i believe is not the best way to R, 
That being said i actually did a test on my WW - I put a note on her car at work that made it out to be from OM to meet him at a place and time when i was supposedly going to be out of town (I was not) i had planed to be at a distance to see if she would show.
I know I know this sounds sad but i had to know.
She came striaght home from work that day all nervous and crying to show me the note, she past the test this was a week or so after dday.

could she have thought i was testing her? she truly thought the note was from OM and still does.
NC was in place and i had items in place to confirm this.

I somewhat agree with jellybeans below that what i did was a bit vindictive ploy on my part


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Regret214 said:


> Go home spam bot. You're drunk.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


???


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

CantBelieveThis said:


> I know a lot of the consequences for a WS are no more GNOs, etc, etc.....but I feel a bit different around this...I am reconciling with my fWW and i almost feel like daring her to do it again in a way.....
> 
> why restrict her opportunities to have another chance at cheating? *if she is willing to do it again I want her to have her chances so I can end it right then and there*, I mean otherwise if you dont let things like GNOs happen arent you potentially restricting someone from doing something they might be willing to do which they arent being honest with you about?? I say if she is truly honest about her remorse and regret....prove it, put yourself in that situation again and show that you are no longer vulnerable....I dont want to be with someone who is keeping straight just because am limiting their opportunities...


I thi nk this is a horrible idea.

You seem very angry still and this is a vindictive ploy.

My advice is to end if it you feel this way. There is nothing at all loving about this. Not to say her cheating was loving or justifiable at all but all I see is a tit for tat here.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Thorburn said:


> It is understandable but you are conflicted as to whether you want to R or D. These doubts as to whether you did the correct thing in trying R will linger for quite a long time.


yup...this is definitely going on and its a struggle....I seem to be helpless with that thus far....I guess its the way R works....


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

CantBelieveThis said:


> yup...this is definitely going on and its a struggle....I seem to be helpless with that thus far....I guess its the way R works....


I am just a year out from my last d-day. My wife finally repented and came clean in April 2013 about everything. I still have doubts and have thoughts about whether I did the correct thing or not. It is not a cakewalk. Hang in there, emotions do diminish, triggers become less


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

^^^ :iagree:


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

CantBelieveThis said:


> Fundamentally I think my issue is not trusting what she says when she claims she has gotten so over her weakness, and how she is now literally immune to future temptation. I was looking for a way (flawed one perhaps) to let her prove that?


OK, this makes much more sense. I think Affaircare is on the right track: You decide for yourself what behaviors would prove to you that she is a reformed character, tell her what these are, and then make decisions about your future based on how she actually behaves.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

I wonder how many other BS here have tried and tested their WS?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

convert said:


> I wonder how many other BS here have tried and tested their WS?



All of them. The question is how did they test them?


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Acoa said:


> All of them. The question is how did they test them?


good point


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

was just thinking of another similar thing I read from someone on my original thread....and its similar to this "testing the WS" topic

if she felt that what drove her to the affair was my lack of attention then why should i be all super nice now considering what she has done?? if anything she should demonstrate her new found resiliency by enduring a period of little or no attention/affection from me....thus truly showing she loves me deep down no matter what.....
what happens if I get really ill one day and end up not being able to give her attention/affection? will she just abandon me then?? those are kind scenarios that loom over my mind when I think of her having to prove herself....is not as punishment by any means as some might take it, is not being vindictive....


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think I agree with Machiavelli here (or at least what I think he was saying).

Is it possible that you just want to be put out of your misery, but you don't want to be the one to decide to end it? If she can't prove that she is reformed then she forces your hand. She is the one to blame. She is the one to finally trigger the end of your marriage.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

alte Dame said:


> I think I agree with Machiavelli here (or at least what I think he was saying).
> 
> Is it possible that you just want to be put out of your misery, but you don't want to be the one to decide to end it? If she can't prove that she is reformed then she forces your hand. She is the one to blame. She is the one to finally trigger the end of your marriage.


I get that impression as well... he's not certain that he can trust her, so he wants her to force his hand.

All in or all out, OP. [email protected]$$ing your reconciliation will only lead to its failure.

Having said that, how certain are you that your wife isn't simply waiting for OM to get out of jail? I suppose that your answer to this question will depend on whether or not you believe that she honestly didn't know that he was going to jail prior to your discovery of the affair.

Too many questions... Have you considered a polygraph?


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

CantBelieveThis said:


> was just thinking of another similar thing I read from someone on my original thread....and its similar to this "testing the WS" topic
> 
> if she felt that what drove her to the affair was my lack of attention then why should i be all super nice now considering what she has done?? if anything she should demonstrate her new found resiliency by enduring a period of little or no attention/affection from me....thus truly showing she loves me deep down no matter what.....
> what happens if I get really ill one day and end up not being able to give her attention/affection? will she just abandon me then?? those are kind scenarios that loom over my mind when I think of her having to prove herself....is not as punishment by any means as some might take it, is not being vindictive....


Whoa. You are not dealing with a broken robot here, you are dealing with a human being. If you want to reconcile, you have to help fix what, if anything, was wrong with the marriage in the first place. I do not think it is unreasonable for a spouse to ask for more attention and affection.

And it works both ways.

That doesn't mean spending all your free time with her. It does mean showing attention and affection. That's the problem with your scenario about being ill. In that case she needs to step up and give YOU more attention and affection. That doesn't stop you from saying "Thank you, love".


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