# Marraige, Trust, and the Ex BF that won't go away...



## Leo (Jul 25, 2010)

I have an issue that has been bugging the hell out of me since march, and I still don't have an answer that I "like."

My wife and I will have been married 7 years come December 21. We got married right before I joined the Army, in Jan of 2004. Since then we have had a relatively good relationship, or at least we have not killed one another yet. Sex... not to often as she doesn't want it that much, and me? I loved being with her. We have had stints where there is no sexual contact for as few as 2 weeks, and as long as 4 months. We have 2 kids, 3 and 4 years old.

In March of this year, I found out that she was having an internet relationship with her EX BF from HS, and our "good" friend since HS ended. He has a wife and kid, and we hung out, did some fishing, and such. Well he and her made out one day after he did some programing on the computer. She said that she didn't like it, but didn't stop talking to him, or drive him away. Then while I was fixing the computer, he IM'd her screen name saying " hi sexy." This prompted me to investigate the chat logs, where I found all the dirty reasons why we had been having more sex than usual, and a plan by her and him to have an affair in the very near future.

When I confronted her, all she did was start crying and said that she sought his attention cause he "talked to her." I have been trying to talk to her for a long time, and for the few months before March, I thought we were doing really well. Come to find out she has been taking dirty pics of herself, and sending them to this guy (I only saw them after finding them), for the past 6 months. I don't know if she and he really didn't do it, I can't really trust her. To make thing's better, she said that she would "never talk to him again," but tell's me a few day's ago that he left his wife... 

I'm conflicted, and hurt by all of this. I don't feel attractive, and I sure as hell don't know if I should stay or go... We don't yell at each other, however I don't trust that she isn't looking outside the marriage. Everything that I thought I knew about my wife has been turned upside down.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

This is an emotional affair.


Stop the affair first , it is still going on. No matter what she says…. 

Send a NO Contact Letter , she writes, you read, she mails with you present.

Sample No Contact Letters

You need all passwords, email accounts etc, she must delete his details heself, no pressure from you. 

Your behaviour in all this is paramount , she must trust she can talk to you. 


Then rebuild you marriage 

Affair Care Coaching: 7 Steps to Rebuilding Your Marriage After the Affair is Ended

Be strong, be kind to her even if you do not feel like it, love her, she has made a mistake, forgive and work together to rebuild your love and trust.

Best wishes to you and your wife..


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

aid that she sought his attention cause he "talked to her." 

While it was me that had an affair, this was a huge problem with my wife. She claimed that I never talked to her.

It's hard to see it from our perspective but communication breakdown is a major problem in marriages and opens people up to look for a connection elsewhere.

Marriage breakdowns and affairs are rarely one-sided. Seek counseling for both of you to get it back on track.


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## Leo (Jul 25, 2010)

We are in counseling, however she has not "deleted" him from her life. He is still in her phone, facebook, instant messenger, etc. etc. Even after telling her that this upsets me, she still has him "in her life" so to say. the counselor even told her that she needs to get rid of him. But for some reason she still won't do it.

When we talk, she insists that everything is going good, and I have been listening to her with all ears open. I'm really upset that she hasn't gone all the way in removing him, and she seems not to care.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Leo said:


> We are in counseling, however she has not "deleted" him from her life. He is still in her phone, facebook, instant messenger, etc. etc. Even after telling her that this upsets me, she still has him "in her life" so to say. the counselor even told her that she needs to get rid of him. But for some reason she still won't do it.
> 
> When we talk, she insists that everything is going good, and I have been listening to her with all ears open. I'm really upset that she hasn't gone all the way in removing him, and she seems not to care.


She's playing it safe, keeping one foot in both camps. She's not sure which way she's going to go as yet, whose camp she's going to settle down in.

It does make her a liar, deceitful and disloyal. You need to give her an ultimatum and the sooner the better.

Ultimatums are declared when you declare your boundaries, the behaviour you will no longer tolerate. Write them down, sit her down and tell her what your boundaries are. Then give her the paper with your boundaries on it and what the consequences will be for her if she continues to abuse you, the person who you are. Then leave her to ponder.

Bob


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

You need to bring this to a halt now, have a chat with the councillor, they should recommend the same, if they do not fire them.

Stop all contact, until this happens you will continue to spiral downwards.

Another tactic is to let her family know that she in an EA, do not be shy , this is your marriage and it will get worse.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Leo,
You now know that your marriage, your relationship with your wife is no longer authentic. What you thought was true is no longer true. The bedrocks, the very foundations of marriage are authenticity and fidelity. Without those two things there is no trust. When there is no trust we no longer “believe” and we question everything.

You both took vows during your marriage ceremony. Your wife has broken her vows. In addition to that she has lied to you and deceived you. Your wife is no longer the person you once knew. Plus you no longer have the foundations required for a good friendship, let alone a marriage. You no longer have authenticity or fidelity in your relationship with your wife.

You could of course look to yourself as for the “reasons why” and kind of accept personal responsibility and blame yourself. And then as many advise undertake a process of learning and self improvement. But guess what? Whatever you do about yourself will not change the proven fact that your wife has lied to you and deceived you. One day you may come to accept that your wife is a liar. Tough one that.

I’m guessing you are “in love” with your wife. And I’m guessing your love for your wife is more or less “unconditional”. But guess what, your wife is abusing your unconditional love and therefore she’s abusing you. Just like some children, some wives abuse our unconditional love.

You need to make your love for your wife conditional. It’s for your wife to accept your conditions of your love for her. We make our love conditional by telling the person we love what our conditions are, our boundaries, the behaviour we simply will not tolerate.

You can do this in a variety of ways. For example you could “read the riot act” to her. You stand up straight, shoulders back and head up and make a declaration of your boundaries and what happens if they are ever crossed again. Do this and your wife will see a changed man. A man with limits and a man she had better not mess with anymore. She will need time to come to terms with this new man in her life. She may well instantly kick back, blame you and accuse you of all sorts of things. Keep in your mind that your wife is a proven liar, that’s she’s a dishonest person. You now have the initiative. Do not react to any rants and raves, just walk away and go off some where.

Another way is to do it in a consultative manner. In this way you behave as a “third person”. You talk about the two of you, how you met and how you fell in love. You say things like you thought everything was ok, good. That you were going along doing your business as a husband and father and out to work to pay for things. That all of “this” has come as a complete surprise to you. That you are thoroughly disappointed to discover you have a wife who has lied and deceived you, a wife that went outside of the marriage to get what she wanted rather than to work within the marriage.

You say something like you find you will not tolerate that type of behaviour. That if your wife ever deceives you again you will no longer share your life with her and your marriage is over.

No matter how you present your boundaries to your wife she will need time to digest them and think about the impact of them on her life. In a way you are telling, not asking, her to chose between your camp and the other man’s camp. You are saying to your wife “It is time to make your mind up now”.

Additionally your wife will need time to explain the new you to her emotional confidents and to see what their responses are. Her emotional confidents are the other guy and her friends. Yes, they are as much a part of her world as you are, maybe more. It’s a sad fact but true. Her behaviour has proven that to you.

I wouldn’t do any more. I would just observe her behaviour and see what happens. You now have the initiative, you need to keep it at all times.

Bob


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

*My Exposure Plans*



sarcasmo said:


> Unfortuantely I don't have emails for his family or friends. Going to have to call them if I find their numbers between now and exposure day. I know some of them are on my phone bill from the contact with my wife. Sick...


I'd try spokeo.com. They seem legit and claim to pull in e-mail and social media info, besides phone numbers and addresses.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

*Re: My Exposure Plans*



PieceOfSky said:


> I'd try spokeo.com. They seem legit and claim to pull in e-mail and social media info, besides phone numbers and addresses.


Since this all happened 3 years ago, there is probably a slight chance that it's resolved one way or another....


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Since this all happened 3 years ago, there is probably a slight chance that it's resolved one way or another....


Oh my!!!

I am an idiot. Didn't notice the date... how did I end up here?

Even though I was doing this Internet thing before it was cool, I have to admit sometimes I am just not that good at it.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


> Oh my!!!
> 
> I am an idiot. Didn't notice the date... how did I end up here?
> 
> Even though I was doing this Internet thing before it was cool, I have to admit sometimes I am just not that good at it.


Err, wait. I'm going to cry software error. I'm using Tapatalk on my iPhone, I chose "Quote" on a post from sarcasmo made today, and my response ends up here on an unrelated thread that is a few years old. Weird.


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