# How much fighting is too much?



## Ambiguous

Hi all
I seem to be fighting with my wife a lot nowadays. We've accused eachother of cheating. Trust has been diminished. So now it seems we fight on a weekly basis. About not loving eachother. About being angry. About supposive cheating. Lying. A bit of everything. I would say she loves me more at this point because I have said I didn't love her a couple times. I wish we fought less. Once every other month sounds nice. I'm just wondering where the line is that one should call it quits. I don't want to lose her. Don't want to fight. But I can't seem to stop.


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## sunsetmist

Be careful telling someone you don't love them. Words hurt and can kill a relationship. Stop and think--do you not like someone's behavior or do you no longer want to spend your life with them? Depth of 'love' waxes and wanes--takes effort to sustain.


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## EleGirl

Ambiguous said:


> Hi all
> I seem to be fighting with my wife a lot nowadays. We've accused eachother of cheating. Trust has been diminished. So now it seems we fight on a weekly basis. About not loving eachother. About being angry. About supposive cheating. Lying. A bit of everything. I would say she loves me more at this point because I have said I didn't love her a couple times. I wish we fought less. Once every other month sounds nice. I'm just wondering where the line is that one should call it quits. I don't want to lose her. Don't want to fight. But I can't seem to stop.


Yea, that's excessive fighting.

How long have the two of you been married? Do you have any children?

Why all the anger?


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## Violet28

What is at the source of your conflict?


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## Spicy

Welcome to TAM.

Sometimes, with fighting, it becomes almost a habit. It becomes the usual, the new normal...which is unacceptable. Like any bad habit, you have to quit. You have to use self control to stop. You have to use respect for each other. 

Sit down, have a calm conversation, set up a plan. Both agree that if the other starts to pick a fight, you will stop it by saying...”We agreed not to do this. I’m going to go take a walk.”

Diffuse the situation. You can’t argue by yourself. So if one of you can get enough self control to walk away, and not be provoked, it would really help. It amazing how much you can calm down in even 5 minutes. 

Not quitting the habit, and divorcing instead, will most likely lead to another relationship in which you will continue the bad habit.


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## Ambiguous

sunsetmist said:


> Be careful telling someone you don't love them. Words hurt and can kill a relationship. Stop and think--do you not like someone's behavior do you no longer want to spend your life with them? Depth of 'love' waxes and wanes--takes effort to sustain.


I already messed that one up a few times. I learned about a year ago the correct thing to say is I don't like you right now. But the damage has been done. And when I'm angry I say things I don't mean
We both do. We don't fight well. I just hope I'm not too late in making things right on my end. I always had the awww I didn't mean it mentality which by looking around here is wrong. I also have the 'woe is me thing going just like above. I didn't realize how annoying it was or that I did it. Thanks.


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## EleGirl

Ambiguous said:


> I already messed that one up a few times. I learned about a year ago the correct thing to say is I don't like you right now. But the damage has been done. And when I'm angry I say things I don't mean
> We both do. We don't fight well. I just hope I'm not too late in making things right on my end. I always had the awww I didn't mean it mentality which by looking around here is wrong. I also have the 'woe is me thing going just like above. I didn't realize how annoying it was or that I did it. Thanks.


It takes 2 to argue. If one of you decides to not argue anymore, then the arguments will stop. Yes, it's that simple.

You know when a discussion is about to explode into an ugly argument, so stop it at that point, before it explodes. It works wonders.

I call it the "STOP" method. When you feel that the discussion is going to explode into a nasty argument, put your hand up in the "stop" sign and say firmly "STOP". You might have to say it 2 or 3 times, but no more than that. And then walk away. Go do something by yourself: go for a walk, go to a quiet room and listen to music, go clean out the garage. Go do anything that will give you time to cool off. And she has to do the same.

I did this with my husband. He would escalate things into ugly arguments, saying things that were awful. So I sat him down when things were calm and told him that I was going to do the "STOP" thing. I told him that we were both saying things that we did not mean and that only served to destroy our relationship. I also told him that each of us was responsible for calming ourselves down so that we could talk like adults.

I also practiced it over and over in front of a mirror, going through arguments that we'd had, replaying them in my head. And at the moment when it was clear that things were getting out of hand, I would practice the "STOP" hand sign and using the word "STOP". It became an automatic response.

Then I used it to prevent the ugly arguments. It worked. He knew that he had to go off and calm himself down. Usually, after I did the "STOP" thing, he'd grab is bike helmet and head out for an hour long bike ride. An hour later we were both calm, had thought things through and could talk about things in a productive manner.

It worked, we never had another nasty argument.

So that I'm transparent in the telling of this, we did divorce about 3 years after that because I found out that he was cheating and other serious issues. But at least the arguments had stopped.


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## sunsetmist

Ambiguous said:


> Hi all
> I seem to be fighting with my wife a lot nowadays. We've accused eachother of cheating. Trust has been diminished. So now it seems we fight on a weekly basis. About not loving eachother. About being angry. About supposive cheating. Lying. A bit of everything. I would say she loves me more at this point because I have said I didn't love her a couple times. I wish we fought less. Once every other month sounds nice. I'm just wondering where the line is that one should call it quits.* I don't want to lose her. Don't want to fight. But I can't seem to stop.*


How old are y'all? How long have you been married? Do you have children? Do either or both of you have a history of cheating? Why do you not trust each other? Lying? 
@EleGirl has given you a method for stopping unwanted behavior. If you don't want to lose her that thought alone should stop your losing self-control. Did you learn your anger responses from your FOO? Since you both act irresponsibly, it will be more difficult for you to change this interaction. You can only change yourself. She has to change herself. Tell her you love her and are working on your anger, then your motivation is increased and she should recognize behavioral changes.

Is there some kind of fear underlying your anger? What do you think you are accomplishing by your angry tirades? Remember that anger hurts the one who is angry, more than the one you are yelling at. It causes physical problems (sleeplessness, high blood pressure), emotional issues (loss of intimacy and connectedness), besides relationship destruction.

Think how fights start. Work on de-escalating before you get to this point. (If you have children, you are teaching them horrible behavior.) It is embarrassing to most to lose control. Would you talk to your mother, pastor, boss the way you talk to your wife--if no, then you can control yourself when you choose to do so. Lots of books on anger management and on marriage--maybe start with His Needs, Her Needs. Good Luck.


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## Emerging Buddhist

Ambiguous said:


> I already messed that one up a few times. I learned about a year ago the correct thing to say is I don't like you right now. But the damage has been done. And when I'm angry I say things I don't mean
> We both do. We don't fight well. I just hope I'm not too late in making things right on my end. I always had the awww I didn't mean it mentality which by looking around here is wrong. I also have the 'woe is me thing going just like above. I didn't realize how annoying it was or that I did it. Thanks.


You may make things right on your end and in the end that may not stop where things are headed.

Do it for you... be the person you need to be and not the one that has to fight fire with fire.

Fire and anger are much the same... they really don't care what they burn in the end.


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## aine

Ambiguous said:


> Hi all
> I seem to be fighting with my wife a lot nowadays. We've accused eachother of cheating. Trust has been diminished. So now it seems we fight on a weekly basis. About not loving eachother. About being angry. About supposive cheating. Lying. A bit of everything. I would say she loves me more at this point because I have said I didn't love her a couple times. I wish we fought less. Once every other month sounds nice. I'm just wondering where the line is that one should call it quits. I don't want to lose her. Don't want to fight. But I can't seem to stop.


Who starts the fights?
If it is your wife, she is probably trying to reach out and clarify about you telling her you don't love her. That destroys a womans soul. Even if you try and make things right, she will hold onto that and in the future it will come back to bite you big time.

You sound juvenile and asking for trouble.

Why the accusation of cheating, has there been cheating? Have you cheated on her? Usually no smoke without a fire.
If you tell someone you don't love them then I guess they have every right to argue about it. You need to get your act together, as he leader in your home and stop playing games with your lives.


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## aine

Ambiguous said:


> I already messed that one up a few times. I learned about a year ago the correct thing to say is I don't like you right now. But the damage has been done. And when I'm angry I say things I don't mean
> We both do. We don't fight well. I just hope I'm not too late in making things right on my end. I always had the awww I didn't mean it mentality which by looking around here is wrong. I also have the 'woe is me thing going just like above. I didn't realize how annoying it was or that I did it. Thanks.


How old are you and your wife?

Words can be really destructive to any relationship and especially a marriage, they cannot be taken back, the wounds they leave will be still there.
Usually women are more verbal than men and that is why many sensible men, say when things are heated, we can talk about this when we are both calmer and walk away.

It is possible to go to counselor to learn how to fight. For example the person holding a book, gets to talk, the other listens. When you argue heatedly no-one is actually listening.

Playing the 'oh woe me' card is also unattractive and unfair way to fight. Stick to the facts and accept your role in the problems.


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