# How to stop obsessing?



## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

My stbxh is with another woman, she's less than desirable (ex addict, pickpocket, children in care, 10yrs older) and I can't stop thinking about them together  I can't stop obsessing about it & wondering why he's chosen her over me? What they're doing together? Every detail won't stop running through my head.

It's driving me insane, does this get easier? How can I move past this?

Help!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Heartbroken84 said:


> My stbxh is with another woman, she's less than desirable (ex addict, pickpocket, children in care, 10yrs older) and I can't stop thinking about them together  I can't stop obsessing about it & wondering why he's chosen her over me? What they're doing together? Every detail won't stop running through my head.
> 
> It's driving me insane, does this get easier? How can I move past this?
> 
> Help!!!


With the help of a trained professional. That's how.

He chose her over you because he wanted something that was less than you. Druggie, thief, shockingly bad mother, a decade older than you.

I think you know what they are doing together.

And, yes, it does get easier.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

I just don't understand & don't think I ever will  glad to hear it gets easier, hurts like hell right now! 

My daughter is poorly, really upset & asking for daddy, she can't call him cos he's with HER - makes me so angry x


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, you will never understand. You aren't him. None of us ever figure out what happened to the person we thought we knew. There's just no way to. So you will need to focus on yourself and your daughter. When thoughts of him come into your head redirect them to something else. It takes time. Sometimes a lot of it. You can't get around it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You need to start replacing every negative thought with five positive ones.

Why did he choose her over me? 1. He choose her but I am a far better person and I can move on. 2. He choose her over me and I know that I am a very worthy person and I don't need him. 3. He choose her and I am so glad that I found out what he is like and I am going to have a better life. 4. He choose her and I will not like this control my thoughts. 5. He choose her and I am resilient and can become a stronger person.

When you think about them. 1. I will not allow my thoughts to control me. 2. I don't care what they are doing. 3. I will not waste my thoughts on them. 4. I will not allow them to rent space in my head. 5. I am will think positive thoughts.

Practice, practice, practice,


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

The why did he choose her over me question is shockingly simple when we accept how shallow the answer actually is. In almost 100% of the time, the "forbidden fruit" aspect of the OM/OW is enough of a reason for the cheaters.

You were familiar, safe, known, allowed and definable. The OM/OW is seemingly new, mysterious, undefined and above all else forbidden. You can never be forbidden fruit, so there is no point in comparison.

Your DS is the lowest form of trash there is, leaving you and the kids to get his prick wet by some home-wrecking skank. I hope you've blown this crap wide open and everyone around you knows what he is doing and with who. Absolutely disgusting!

I'm sorry for your pain, I hope it gets better soon.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Thanks. I'm trying so hard with the positive thoughts & stuff but that gut wrenching pain is still very real & very hard to ignore  I feel physically sick when I think about them, I feel filled with sadness that he could stoop to such levels. 

I can't really blow it open, his parents know (who he lives with) but there is nobody else.

I hope this pain gets easier I really do  not sure how much more I can take.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Heartbroken84 said:


> I can't really blow it open, his parents know (who he lives with) but there is nobody else.
> 
> I hope this pain gets easier I really do  not sure how much more I can take.


Why is this the case? Why do only his parents know? What about your parents? Your friends? Friends of friends? You absolutely need emotional support right now, and not all of it can come from the internet. You need to have someone live you can talk to about this.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Yes my parents know along with close friends too, I've not kept it a secret but not shouted it from the rooftops either.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

The other thing I don't get is that she's no longer "forbidden fruit" as we are getting divorced & he's still actively involved with her. He's chosen to be with a woman like her, both in early recovery & both very messed up people, he's putting himself at high risk of relapse & he knows he won't be seeing his kids if he does relapse... Yet he's continuing to pursue it  so selfish it's crazy.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I wouldn't be surprised if drugs were part of it. You don't tolerate using but she might. She 'understands' you don't. Maybe it's very little to do with the woman and it's more about the drugs and related lifestyle.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Heartbroken84 said:


> Yes my parents know along with close friends too, I've not kept it a secret but not shouted it from the rooftops either.


I'm sorry for what you are going through, I am unfamiliar with your story, and asked about who knew because of how important it is to have real life support from other people you are close to.

I'm assuming no one is on his side when it comes to his affair, and was just wondering if he and the POSOW are under any scrutiny or social pressure to end the destructive behavior. I'm assuming the POSOW does not have a husband?



Heartbroken84 said:


> The other thing I don't get is that she's no longer "forbidden fruit" as we are getting divorced & he's still actively involved with her. He's chosen to be with a woman like her, both in early recovery & both very messed up people, he's putting himself at high risk of relapse & he knows he won't be seeing his kids if he does relapse... Yet he's continuing to pursue it  so selfish it's crazy.


Just because you are getting divorced, does not mean she is no longer forbidden fruit, or that he even understands that you are serious about splitting up with him.

As someone else pointed out, drug use may be a major factor for him right now, and since you sound like youve gone through the substance abuse issue with him, you must be aware of just how much compartmentalization an addict can actually create to justify their own actions when it comes to getting a fix.

Since affairs typically include strong dopamine release and other factors that mimic drug ab/use, even if he is not getting high with her, he certainly still feels the same way as if he was. The fact that he is willing to put seeing his kids on the line to continue seeing her, really signals just how compartmentalized/foggy his thought process is.

You know that an addict can not get better unless they actually want to. No interventions or ultimatums by loved ones will actually make a difference. The only thing we can do for those who are addicted sometimes, is to prevent enabling the addiction by giving them money, drugs, or access to either.

Does his sponsor (if he has one) know that he is involved with a recently recovering addict?

Someone else here mentioned that the POSOW may be "ok" with him using drugs while you are not, in other words ok with enabling his destructive behavior by telling him there is nothing wrong with him and that its ok if he wants to be selfish and get high. If he initially got sober for you rather than himself, he may be holding on to some resentment about the fact that you "prevent" him from doing what he wants, and uses that resentment to justify his behavior.

I really hope things get better for you, and the sooner you stop comparing yourself to the POSOW the better.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

They are both still in recovery as far as I know, well I know he is anyway but obv can't vouch for her. He's getting his buzz from her now, he's that insecure that he'll end up staying with her rather than be on his own.

It breaks my heart but I know I'm better off without him, my head knows it but my heart is taking a while to catch up.

I'm trying to hard to not compare, but it's so hard! My confidence & self-esteem is at an all time low and it's hard to turn that around


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## Redwingfan1966 (Feb 4, 2014)

I saddens me when I see a good woman standing by an addict, abuser or just a bad guy just to be tossed aside for some willing skank. I agree with the earlier post saying that she probably is enabling him to use and is more "forgiving" about his condition. Maybe I'm a little old school, but if I was you nothing would make ME feel better then punching that worthless f**k in the mouth and telling him exactly what I thought of him and his skank. It might be a little easier to get past him also if you look at what he actually brought to the relationship, in my experience with addicts it's usually a lot of anger, hurt feelings , excuses and unanswered questions. Good luck ,and I wish you and your daughter the best.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why did he put her over you? Because she is an experienced player. She's willing to do stuff no normal decent person would. 

She should be on Jeremy Kyle. Sorry but that's her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Heartbroken84 said:


> It breaks my heart but I know I'm better off without him, my head knows it but my heart is taking a while to catch up.


This is when it will get better, when your heart catches up. I don't mean to sound glib, but since he chose a skanky criminal drug user over you it's obvious his moral compass is way off true north. You should consider that you have been granted a reprieve from a life with such a person.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Thank you, I know me & the kids will have a much happier and more stable life without him - he will see them regular (providing he's clean) and I want him to be in their lives but not as my partner/husband.

He's brought me nothing but pain, misery & heartache in the past couple of years - I can't help but think of the 10yrs before that where we had a fantastic relationship but those times have passed now. 

I'm trying to not think about "them" and bringing the focus back to me but it's very difficult.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

It's normal under the circumstances to obsess. You're traumatized and grieving, and that's what people do when something like this happens. 

Having supportive people to help you - friends and family as well as professional - is really beneficial, and having positive counter-thoughts to offset all the sad and upsetting negative thoughts will help when you're by yourself. But your brain is going to easily veer toward the sad and upsetting types of thoughts, and when you try to come up with the positive ones, you may struggle, so I suggest that you write some of those down so you have them handy. Keep them near so you can refer to them. Also leave room so you can add to the list. It DOES help when you think these positive thoughts. 

And it WILL get better. You will eventually obsess less and less. Take care.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Thanks that's a really good idea, I will try and write down each negative or intrusive thought then write a positive thought for each one. 

I just can't seem to think straight at all, everything is just a whirlwind & won't slow down - I thought by now things would be calming, maybe they will when divorce is filed?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

starslight said:


> the best way to get over someone is getting under someone else's!


I disagree with this in your case as it may cause more confusion and pain at this time.

Take some time to focus on you and your child. You will find happiness again and will have opportunities for relationships in the future.

I don't know your whole story, but it sounds like your STBX affaired way down and may have self esteem issues. That could account for some of it, but that is just a guess from me and I'm not a counselor. Maybe he thinks so little of himself that he believes he deserves a loser like her... birds of feather- who knows. Don't waste your life trying to figure his **** out because he probably can't even do that for himself.

Find a good counselor. They do help.

When you are ready, find someone who deserves you.

Happiness post divorce can be quite real once you accept and realize that you don't have to put up with all of the nonsense coming from your cheating and selfish spouse.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

workindad said:


> I don't know your whole story, but it sounds like your STBX affaired way down and may have self esteem issues. That could account for some of it, but that is just a guess from me and I'm not a counselor. Maybe he thinks so little of himself that he believes he deserves a loser like her... birds of feather- who knows. Don't waste your life trying to figure his **** out because he probably can't even do that for himself.


Yeh he's an addict in recovery & has no self-esteem, self-respect etc. He's admitted that part of his decision to walk away is because he's punishing himself for everything he's put me through in the past & that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore and so I can find real happiness now. He's a real mess, one minute he wants it to work the next he doesn't.... Your right, I'll never make sense of it as even he can't do that! 

I don't intend on finding anyone for a while yet, I want to be on my own, deal with my own issues & find who I am again before I move onto another relationship. 

I hope soon the future begins to seem like an exciting place instead of a scary one!


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

If I have a down day and think back on how much pain and hurt I had, I now tend to say to myself "and why the phuck are you thinking about that s4!t?" and every time I have a thought of that time or a trigger, that phrase is booming in my head like a boss drum.

It does get easier, life does get better, but rather than dwelling on them and the choices they made you need to get creative, make good use of any time that you may be able to spare a thought to ponder "them" you can use far more productively, I had a bash at oil painting, bought and old Land Rover Discovery to rebuild and worked through my anger, frustrations and the lows of depression by being constructive and creative, the creativity and achievements are a step towards the light in the sense that for every achievement you make without him, you become a better and stronger person.

This is what I worked on to get past my blues.

This is my project Discovery 1: The Beginning.

I used the rebuild of that truck to rebuild myself, it worked too.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There is an NLP technique that can help.

Whenever you imagine them being together, always think of whatever they are doing with a loud musical accompaniment, of the Benny Hill Show theme tune, Yakety Sax https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNBL5OMeuno


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

starslight said:


> the best way to get over someone is getting under someone else's!


No. Not even close to good advice.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Get out. Go do things. Spend time with your family and friends. Make new friends. The more you do things for yourself and your child the less time you will devote to him. It does get better as time passes on. Its hard to see now but in time you will see your are so much happier without a cheater in your life. There are far better people out there. 

Clay


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## Imstrong123 (May 18, 2013)

I know where you are coming from. Obsessing is a habit, like an addiction. You need help in learning how to stop this. But is hard. Maybe the moment you start thinking about him, get up and get out of the room, call a friend, get a cup of coffee, water, do something that will get your mind OFF the thoughts. 

Think more positively: You ARE better off without him, even your kids are. As long as he doesn't completely abandon his kids, and he is nice with them, ok. The relationship with his kids is doomed but please think about your kids' pain too. Don't say bad things about him in front of them, don't fight in front of them....reassure them that you and their dad love them as always...hug them very much....they are in so much more pain than you, is just different.

So, think about your kids, about you, your friends, your goals, and try to find a coping mechanism that works for you!
Good luck


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Good lord, what an a**. This guy is wired all wrong. Sorry this is at your front door. There is nothing you can do about the pain, it's here to stay for a while. How you are dealing with it, is very important. It's very easy for me to say this, but not very easy to put into action. Start exercising, a little at a time. Try and eat, if you can, protein shakes helped me, fruit and a multi-v. Go out with friends, remember what that feels like to be with friends, having a few ****tails and talking. Don't drink to much, it will depress you more. Take care of your kids and keep telling yourself "I am still a good person", nobody can take that from you. Things will get better with time, I promise. Good luck.


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