# Husband has lost intrest in sex...worried about him just masturbating



## Bigmama (Aug 17, 2016)

Ok, we've been married for 15 years now, but by no means old. I'm 35 and my husband is 40. Now in the past I'd say about 7 yrs his desire for me has gone down more than I feel comfortable with. I know as you age your libido does lessen some. Well anyway, A few years back my husband was just masturbating and not having any interest in having sex with me. He at first denied that he was doing it, but I caught him. From what I know of he doesn't watch porn, that has never seemed to be an issue. 
Its been a longtime battle of why he isn't interested in me anymore...he tells me he is, but actions speak louder than words. I told him that I don't care if he masturbates just don't let it take away from our relationship. He denies that he's doing it. I also told him that I would join him...we could race to see who can finish first. Trying to make it something that we can do as a couple. Again he gets mad that I say he's masturbating...but if he's not that means that he's going months without anything??? Doesn't compute to me. I'm open to try pretty much anything with him, and we have in the past experimented in many different ways. So for our sex life to become soo mundane is difficult to handle. I'm no super model but I think that I'm not bad to look at, I have had 4 kids with him and I'm 115lbs...so I have maintained my weight and appearance. I try not to feel bad about myself but after way too many rejections you start to feel like there's something wrong with yourself. 
And when we do have sex its under 4min and I'm actually being kind of generous with 4min. He still can perform, but doesn't take the time to make sure I'm finished also. 2min isn't long enough to get anything done. He no longer wants to have oral sex with me...and he just got bloodwork done and his testosterone levels are good. 
Does anyone have any advise on how I can bring back the spark? Or any males point of views of what he might be thinking. And yes there is stress in our lives, but when isn't there. Life throws you curve balls all the time. Even when there was calmer times still the same.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This is very likely an issue with HIM, not you. Its is unlikely that you are doing, or not doing anything wrong. There can be lots of reasons people lose interest in sex, but whatever the reason its a terrible strain on their relationship.

It sounds like he isn't able to describe why he has lost interest, maybe he doesn't admit it to himself. 

What reasons does he give for turning you down if you initiate sex?

Is his general health good? Any large stresses - lost job, family illness etc?

Did he start out with a high interest in sex, and that gradually declined, or has he always been fairly low libido.

Has he indicated that he wants something different in bed - whether or not what he wants is at all reasonable, it would be interesting to know. 



You have my sympathy, its miserable living with someone who as lost their sexual interest in you.


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## Bigmama (Aug 17, 2016)

His reason for not wanting it is he's tired....he always says he's tired. Ok, weekdays I'll give him that, but its the weekends also. He just had his physical done and nothing seriously wrong. Testosterone levels are good.
And when it comes to stress, yes we have had a lot of it in the past and now currently. The only issue that I have with that is when there is nothing going on in our lives he's still not interested. Hes also the type that doesn't like to talk much. So, I'm going into all of this with very little knowledge of how he feels. 
We started out very sexually active, have done many interesting things with each other. And I'm open to try more, and he knows this.


And Thank you!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"Again he gets mad that I say he's masturbating...but if he's not that means that he's going months without anything??? Doesn't compute to me."

you are right to not buy his claim of no masturbation. unless he is one of those extremely rare dudes who is asexual, he's not going without.

my initial thought it's the lazy man's way out. it's much easier to knock one off by yourself.

he does comprehend the amazing and magical experience of two people bonding at the most intimate level in nature.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Bigmama said:


> Does anyone have any advise on how I can bring back the spark? Or any males point of views of what he might be thinking. And yes there is stress in our lives, but when isn't there. Life throws you curve balls all the time. Even when there was calmer times still the same.


For a guy, masturbation can be a HUGE stress reliever. Meanwhile sex with a spouse can be VERY stressful, particularly when the spouse never seems to be pleased with the resulting sex. 

Your idea of masturbating with him is likely the best idea to focus on. Do not do it in a way that "invades" his personal space or takes away from his ability to self sooth from whatever is causing stress. What you want to do is "share" with him the fact that you are not ashamed of masturbation and that nor should he be ashamed. You also want to make it a point to be respectful of each other's privacy, but this is the part I want you to mess with his head a little for the sole purpose of making him curious. 

Inciting *curiosity* is your biggest friend in the battle to recreate sparks with your husband. Men also like to be teased a little as well. 

Simply brag about a recent experience you had while masturbating, but purposely leave out key details to your story as if you are the one ashamed. Once he begins asking questions, pay very close attention as to how he begins to be the one to help you let go of any shame to share the actual details about exactly what happened. Encourage him to set an example for you regarding his habits BEFORE you share your details. 

Hopefully such a conversation will help him open up to you, but you have to use his curiosity in the name of helping you let go of your shame as a way to coax him out of his shell and feel more comfortable sharing around you.

Hope that helps!

Badsanta

PS: Whatever your story turns out to be that you want to tell him, try to include the sensations of *coconut oil*. Demonstrate what you do to yourself by perhaps rubbing some into the palm of his hand. Ask him if he wants to see how if feels somewhere else... you get the picture.


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## Bigmama (Aug 17, 2016)

I think you're probably right...I right now get upset the fact that he only takes care of himself and I get nothing. And I think it does bother him that he doesn't satisfy my needs. I'm just not sure if me talking about my experiences will make him mad or not.


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## Bigmama (Aug 17, 2016)

It's difficult to handle the fact sex with me is a chore to him


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

In the past have you repeatedly rejected him for sex? 

My wife rejected me for quite some time. After a while I gave up initiating and took matters into my own hands. When she would initiate, I gave her all her reasons why I didn't want sex. This was a PA move but I was hurt and really didn't care. I felt emasculated and finally got to the point where we had the a blowout over it. 
The constant rejection took it's toll and I was ready to leave a sexless marriage. 

Fortunately I read "no more mr nice guy," "married mans sex life primer" and "hold onto your nuts" turned things around. 

Can you recall the circumstances that led to the decline?


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## Bigmama (Aug 17, 2016)

That's something that I tried not to do..can't say that there was never times when I said no. But I would always try to take care of him in different ways. I was pregnant a lot, and it would hurt...so we got creative. I'd like to think that I did my best to please him even if I wasn't in the mood. But I'm not sure how he feels about it. Not going to go into details but there were many different places on the human body that can get the job done. 
And it was stress of mainly losing his father I think...but again he wont talk. That was about 9yrs ago


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think "tired" is a word people sometimes use to try to describe why then don't want sex, when they don't really understand the reasons themselves.

My wife does this all the time. When she (almost always) turns me down for sex, it is because she is "tired", even though she isn't too tired for other things. As far as I can tell from talking with her, she really doesn't understand why she doesn't want sex. She wants to want it, but just doesn't. 

Eventually I just gave up asking.

For clarity, by "sex" I mean any sort of erotic activity, not just intercourse. 




Bigmama said:


> His reason for not wanting it is he's tired....he always says he's tired. Ok, weekdays I'll give him that, but its the weekends also. He just had his physical done and nothing seriously wrong. Testosterone levels are good.
> And when it comes to stress, yes we have had a lot of it in the past and now currently. The only issue that I have with that is when there is nothing going on in our lives he's still not interested. Hes also the type that doesn't like to talk much. So, I'm going into all of this with very little knowledge of how he feels.
> We started out very sexually active, have done many interesting things with each other. And I'm open to try more, and he knows this.
> 
> ...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Any change after you had children? Some men have an issue with the whole mother / lover psychology. 



Bigmama said:


> That's something that I tried not to do..can't say that there was never times when I said no. But I would always try to take care of him in different ways. I was pregnant a lot, and it would hurt...so we got creative. I'd like to think that I did my best to please him even if I wasn't in the mood. But I'm not sure how he feels about it. Not going to go into details but there were many different places on the human body that can get the job done.
> And it was stress of mainly losing his father I think...but again he wont talk. That was about 9yrs ago


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## Bigmama (Aug 17, 2016)

No that never made a difference...then we were still "crazy" as ever....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Bigmama said:


> It's difficult to handle the fact sex with me is a chore to him


So is it?

Does he consider it to be a fulfilling? Is your sex life just going through the motions (sounds like it is if 4 mins is being generous).

You may have to hit him over the head to get to an answer, but you need to know why he's lost interest. Make him be honest - tell him it's worse to spare your feelings than to withhold the truth. I know a little bit about what it's like to lose interest in your mate but to be uninterested in discussing it, especially if you don't think that there is a solution.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bigmama said:


> It's difficult to handle the fact sex with me is a chore to him


Here is a link to a book that might help you figure out what's going on with him.


He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It

We are led to believe that all men are always ready to have sex all the time. Yet about the same number of men end up not wanting sex in in relationships as women do. 

The most common reason, when there is not a health issue, is anger/resentment at their spouse. It's the same for both men and women. Withholding sex is basically a passive aggressive way to express anger/resentment.

The book breaks it down further and might help you id exactly what's going on in his head that he seems unable to talk about.


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

Masturbating together is an extremely sexual experience which brings couples closer together and makes sex and exploring more comfortable so if u can steer him in that direction then do! 
It's one of my favourite parts around sex and something we do very often. 
After so long there's nothing me and my husband don't do and nothing makes us feel awkward 



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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Yeah tell him you can see he is unhappy in your sex life and drop "married mans sex life primer" on his bedside table. Tell him you want the randy husband back.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

I don't know if this helps, but I am in a similar position as your husband except my wife is LD, so on average we are intimate maybe one per month. Less so since she got hurt this year.

However, I haven't masturbated in more than 9 months. There have been very few days that I don't think about sex though, but they are being more frequent, which I guess is my ultimate goal (though I never really thought about it until just now).

Were you low drive at any point? Perhaps he is "training" himself to do without sex, especially if he thinks your current levels of desire are temporary and you only want it because you're not getting it.

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