# How to ask for more sex witout hurting his pride.



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Sigh.....

I posted a while back about my LD man. Got some good responses. He did go to the doctor and low T was ruled out (unfortunately....which is sad.)

He KNOWS I want more intimacy. He says he feels "pressured" if I even make a innuendo towards him. Which he says makes the problem worse. I"m lucky to get it once a week, and then it almost feels like a chore to him.

He is always giving me a hard time about "it's always about sex with you" to me. Which it isn't.....I enjoy intimacy without it too, but rarely get that either anymore. He blames the long work day and the household chores. We are an old married couple without being married! LOL! He has also said (more than once) that if I need to find a dude on the side, just let him know. He doesn't mean it, and I KNOW he doesn't mean it......I'm pretty sure he's just looking for validation. "No honey, I only want you." Which is TRUE anyway! 

But I miss the nookie. I don't even have to have AH-MAYYYYYYZING nookie. I don't demand foreplay, dont need it. (Is nice, but at this point, thats a pipe dream.)

It does hurt to not feel desired.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You need to give up on trying to mold him into the partner you want him to be. Either accept him as he is, or move on. The path you're on is one of frustration and resentment, on both sides. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I"m not trying to mold him (really....honestly......) I just don't understand this issue. I guess the "honeymoon" stage ended long before I expected it to. I've been married before in a long term marriage......I am no stranger to what LIFE is like. I know things slow down and become routine. I don't have a problem with that.

Maybe I need to explain better. 

This is not a deal breaker for me by any means, but I AM confused. It's not just the sex, but the intimacy that is lacking. We USED to have loads of intimacy. I won't say "chemistry" because we have always been more like "just friends" than any of my other previous relationships. But this has been one of the most emotionally healthy relationships I have ever been in. And we started out like bunnies. 

I love him and am very IN love with him. Just wondering how it went from 100 to 15 in less than 2 years?


----------



## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Hi GA Heart,

I'm 25 years old and recently separated. Although young I have some knowledge to share.

My ex was hypocritical. I'm HD and she was LD. She always said we lacked intimacy but I called it bullcrap. Why?

1) I didn't learn until much later that women are biologically wired to respond to dominant men. I used to initiate all the time, but I asked for it, instead of telling her. Now that I am dating, I am finding this new knowledge to be ridiculously valuable. Perhaps your man needs to learn more about women in general, and not just you. Older men are usually stubborn, so be patient. I know it must be difficult. Honestly, it sounds like he either doesn't you want it that bad or is totally clueless. I pray it's the latter. Get him to read no more mr.nice guy or the married man's sex life primer. Honestly, both books have changed my life. They are a good investment. I wish I read those books before my marriage. If he doesn't want to read them.......

2) What are some things that could be stopping you guys from getting intimate? Are you always wearing protection? Has he mentioned things he doesn't like during sex that you have ignored? Even a perfume he may not admit he likes? You got to talk about it.If he keeps brushing you off make a stand and stop him from doing anything else until it's resolved. Don't carpet what is very important to toy. 

3) I never understood LD men. Men are sexual creatures by nature, and so when they aren't, I can't help but wonder why. Most guys would kill to have an HD wife. Sure everyone is different and I shouldn't be so judgemental...but maybe find out if he's always been like this and what might have triggered the change.

4) The fact that you said he said you could find someone else tells me something. I hate to say it, but I've heard it before...when the man was getting his needs met elsewhere. Think about it. 

5) You know, I see lots of advice online for things to do to spice up your marriage and sex life. My advice? Do something risky together. Something that gets your adrenaline pumping. Date nights, candles and all that mushy crap is okay but if you want true intimacy, both of you need to be open to being vulnerable. They key to your solution could be identifying what makes him feel vulnerable. 

Good luck.


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Yeah - I think we need more info GA. This happened in my marriage. Fine in the beginning and then he didn't like me to initiate and wouldn't initiate himself so sex dwindled to once a month. But he was masturbating to porn nearly every day, so it wasn't a libido issue for him and I can't say our relationship was emotionally healthy either.


----------



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Good questions! Will try to bold answers.



pragmaster said:


> Hi GA Heart,
> 
> 1) I didn't learn until much later that women are biologically wired to respond to dominant men. I used to initiate all the time, but I asked for it, instead of telling her. Now that I am dating, I am finding this new knowledge to be ridiculously valuable. Perhaps your man needs to learn more about women in general, and not just you. Older men are usually stubborn, so be patient. I know it must be difficult. Honestly, it sounds like he either doesn't you want it that bad or is totally clueless. I pray it's the latter. Get him to read no more mr.nice guy or the married man's sex life primer. Honestly, both books have changed my life. They are a good investment. I wish I read those books before my marriage. If he doesn't want to read them.......
> 
> ...


----------



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Nope on the self pleasuring. I can't remember the last time he did that. And he kinda sorta tries to make me feel guilty when I do. This whole situation really has kinda strained my confidence in this area.


----------



## Workathome (Aug 30, 2014)

You seem to be making a lot of excuses for him. You're really ok with no foreplay. Why even bother.....

He has an issue with your 15 pounds, but doesn't see a problem with his 45?

Youre' not married, I'd run, not walk to find a better situation!! Imagine how little sex you'll be having a year from now.


----------



## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

It sounds bad and unsupportive...but he went to jail for a reason. 

I didn't know you weren't married.

RUN! You sound way to nice to be with an ex convict. 

Or stick with him and take him up on his offer for you to see other ppl.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

GA HEART said:


> This is not a deal breaker for me by any means,


Sorry but I believe that means you have to be prepared to accept whatever he gives you. At your stage of life I wouldn't accept it but you have chosen to.

He is feeling 'pressured' to have more sex and that is a turn off to him. It makes him feel like less of a man which in turn makes him angry. The only hope you have is to find covert ways of getting his interest. Anything overt will get his back up and be counter productive.


----------



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

The ex con stuff is something I knew about and accepted early on. He is not a bad man, and unlike many ex cons that I know or have heard of, (his was a "white collar crime" he has truly made changes in his life and is not the person he used to be. Everyone deserves a second chance, as long as they are willing to put forth the effort to prove that they deserve it. The only reason I brought it up was because of his 5 years of celibacy......in case that might have had something to do with his LD.


----------



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I do appreciate the responses though!!! We are pretty open with every aspect of our relationship and get along very well. It might be that I am inadvertently putting pressure on him, and I do want to avoid that. I know men's egos and their sexuality go hand in hand.


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Ahh , women have just as bigger egos as men especially sexually . Probably more so actually they all wanna be wanted and desired and ra ra, they chase it, they break up marriages to chase it so, really .

The pressure thing is a def' turn of . Turn sex into a chore and no one wants it like that.
Gotta wonder to, what do you do then, if his working long hours all the time and then doing housework to ? Remember women being tired all the time is one of their biggest sexual interest killers. No different for guys , especially if it's another chore .

So l'd be looking at stuff like this first of all.
He's lost interest for some reason and this stuff wouldn't help one bit.
One other thing , have you changed , put on weight , or always doing things busy busy day after day night after night and then it's like click at bed time ? That's a real turn of for me to .


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> I won't say "chemistry" because we have always been more like "just friends" than any of my other previous relationships.


This sounds like he had desire for you, but it was not real strong. That's not a knock at you. I think this is all on him. 



> Part of the "in prison" deal puts a lot of limitations on where we can go, unfortunately.


That might play a part in his not feeling like he can give you all you should have. He may believe you are way better than him. You outclass him in his mind. Maybe. No one can get into his head and know for certain. 

This is on him to figure out. I doubt he will without help from a counselor. If he is physically healthy and his T levels are normal for his age, and I don't mean right at 300, I mean 500 or more, I think it's all in his head. 

Do you think he believes, if he had never gone to prison, he might be in a better place right now? That would mean to me, he has an issue with thinking he has settled or has somehow been forced into the life he lives. That's a libido killer until he accepts it, whether it's his fault or not. 

I'd have to go with what many here have said and suggest you move on to someone else. I wonder how long you two have been together. If I missed it, I apologize. 

Also, as far as weight in men and women are concerned, I think it can mean different things with different people. I may be mistaken. 

For example, my x2 gained weight throughout the marriage until some point in time I cannot say, but was near the end. She then lost some. My guess is, she was happy and gained until she made the decision to leave. Then, it bothered her so much, she lost weight. I think that's a red flag meaning she was not happy with her decision. 

I gained weight during the marriage. I never lost it until she left. Then it was a huge weight loss. 

I was not wholly attracted to my x2 in a physical sense. I struggled with depression in the last year or two. I gained more then. Our sex life diminished further. It was a product of not feeling like my opinions were respected. It doesn't seem like that's the case here, but maybe that's because we don't have his side of the story? Maybe he feels like he is a yes man with no life? That would tie back into the prison stuff. Taking orders whether he wants to or not because he has to survive. 

Maybe he's not being true to himself?


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> He has also said (more than once) that if I need to find a dude on the side, just let him know. He doesn't mean it, and I KNOW he doesn't mean it......I'm pretty sure he's just looking for validation. "No honey, I only want you." Which is TRUE anyway!


i would rethink that thought. I would bet he is serious. Sex is some sort of unpleasant chore for him, once a week is like "having sex all the time" in his mind. Your reminding him of it is getting tedious.

Maybe try a little somewhat harmless experiment. Sign up for one of the sex sites that allow a profile and chat or cam sessions. Find some guys there, and text chat with them on your laptop when HE is in the room with you. Let him know you are chatting with another man on the laptop. See how he handles it. 

IF he is ok with it, then you have a pretty big problem: he is abrogating his duties to some other male stranger! Not a good sign for the future of your relationship.

If on the other hand he wakes the heck up, demands you stop chatting online, that would be a pretty good indicator.

For the former, i guess the thought in his head would be you have cybersex or real world sex once or twice a week with a BF, then once a week with him. Not sure how that will work out. That is an open marriage, and i think the stats are that most of those end in divorce after a few years. The spouse doing the open part finds a "soulmate", finds out what good sex actually feels like, falls "in love" with the other person, and its curtains for the marriage. So, tread carefully turning his idea into reality.


----------



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I work full time as well, and commute an hour to and back from work each day. He cooks (because he loves to, won't hardly even LET me, lol) and I clean. That's our deal and we are pretty happy with it. After dinner, we usually veg in front of the TV for an hour or more.....usually laying in bed. Sometimes he is out by 8:30. We usually get up around 6:30. He says he's tired. He can't sleep well because he's always getting up to tinkle. Over the weekend he told me that the doc didn't check his prostate.....and that he thinks he has "flow" issues. Yikes.

And nope, open relationship would NOT work. LOL! He really doesn't want to share. We have talked about it some when we first started dating. I wouldn't mind in "dating" type scenario, but we are in a very committed, live together situation. (Basically married without the legalities.)

And I don't feel like I "pressure" him AT ALL. Those are his words. I RARELY try to initiate anymore. Like super rare.......maybe once every month. Because he told me I was "pressuring" him. I do tell him he's sexy to me (because he is) maybe once a day. Maybe I should just quit saying that too.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

It seems to me like he might be in clinical depression. Lack of insterest in sex, gaining 45 lbs, sleeping at 8:30 pm. Such weight gain will cause even more problems: low energy, constant fatigue, more serious health issues. 
a little zoloft and therapy might do wonders, if he agrees to do it. For his emotional and physical health.


----------



## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

GA HEART said:


> Sigh.....
> 
> He KNOWS I want more intimacy. He says he feels "pressured" if I even make a innuendo towards him. Which he says makes the problem worse. I"m lucky to get it once a week, and then it almost feels like a chore to him.
> 
> It does hurt to not feel desired.


I'm in the same boat. It stinks. I hate that crap line about how it makes them feel pressured if you initiate or make an innuendo. I've been horny for 3 days and have been waiting and hoping for him to make a move or even give me a kiss. I cried myself to sleep last night because I knew if I told him he would rebuff me and tell me all I think about is sex.  

My difference is I'm married, so I feel bound by vows. I don't think I would stay in the situation if I wasn't married.

Also. It is stupid that he complains that you gained 15 pounds, but he gained 50. He has no right to say anything.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening GA_HEART
this sounds like the typical and miserably LD/HD relationship. One partner wants sex often. The other rarely. The LD partner comes up with all sorts of excuses, but in reality they just are not interested. 

Its really miserable, you have my sympathy.


----------



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

At least I"m not alone! HA! 

I love him. Very much. I feel married. We own a house together (although I would buy him out if I had to and could manage it on my own if it comes down to it.) But I don't want to end the relationship. Really, this is my only complaint. 

And ironically enough, in my previous marriage *I* was the one with the low drive. (Although that was an emotionally abusive nightmare.) In his previous marriage, HE was the one with the HD....his ex with the low. It's interesting how the tables have turned on both of us. He has often exclaimed half jokingly that "I am his curse." Maybe he is mine.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> At least I"m not alone! HA!
> 
> I love him. Very much. I feel married. We own a house together (although I would buy him out if I had to and could manage it on my own if it comes down to it.) But I don't want to end the relationship. Really, this is my only complaint.
> 
> And ironically enough, in my previous marriage *I* was the one with the low drive. (Although that was an emotionally abusive nightmare.) In his previous marriage, HE was the one with the HD....his ex with the low. It's interesting how the tables have turned on both of us. He has often exclaimed half jokingly that "I am his curse." Maybe he is mine.


Those HD/LD change if your interest in your partner change. I am sorry, but is there a chance, that you are much more into him that you were into your ex, but it is the opposite for him?


----------



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

WandaJ said:


> Those HD/LD change if your interest in your partner change. I am sorry, but is there a chance, that you are much more into him that you were into your ex, but it is the opposite for him?


I know that is true for me. My ex was a good looking man, but a jerk. I loved him desperately (unhealthily) and tried my best to make our marriage work. But at some point I shut down emotionally to try and save my sanity. And the LD resulted. Yes, I absolutely was not very sexually attracted to my ex.

I sure hope it's not the other way around for him.  His ex and I have vastly different appearances. (I've met her.) She is very tall and slender, blonde and fair skinned. I am short, curvey, dark hair and eyes, and olive skin. (I got her on face, though. LOL!) He described her to me as a "bombshell" when we first started dating. But he said he never really loved her, they only married because she was pregnant. He said they had good times, but he never felt that "spark" with her. He said that he often felt guilty and that there was something wrong with him because how could he not love someone so "hot?"

When we first started dating, he was VERY charming. He had game, and I knew he was laying it on thick. LOL! He compared me to his first (and only at the time) true love.....he said I was so much like her, he couldn't help but to be head over heels for me.  :sleeping:

I stayed SUPER distant emotionally when we first started dating. He definitely "chased" me. I wasn't playing games, per se.....I am a VERY open person with my affection. I just had been played a time or two in my life and he reminded me of those times. LOL! I wanted to make sure he wasn't just blowing smoke up my arse.

Maybe I need to try and distance myself again. I don't know. I do know he loves me. Maybe he's just not "into" my body afterall. Last night in our sleep, he reached out and held my hand. He flipped over about a minute later and reached out and grabbed it again. He was 99% asleep at that point (as was I.) That's not the first time he's done it either. If that isn't real love, I don't know what is. <3


----------



## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

GA HEART said:


> Sigh.....
> 
> I posted a while back about my LD man. Got some good responses. He did go to the doctor and low T was ruled out (unfortunately....which is sad.)
> 
> ...


Just a question any chance there is a little pot involved prolonged use isnt good have a look on Google


----------

