# Changing your marriage means changing yourself.



## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

When I first set out to try and change my marriage, I typed the following phrase into Google; “How do I make my wife be more sexual?” There are two major problems with this question:

1) It assumes that my wife is the problem

2) It assumes that I can make her change

I honestly did feel that my wife was the problem. From my point of view, I was being a good and loyal husband. I worked hard to support the family. I did my share of parenting and house hold chores. I gave her freedom to pursue personal interests, and I did my best to make her happy. I felt that I was doing all the things that I was supposed to do as a husband.

I also felt that my wife was not keeping up her end of the deal.

She helped to spend the money I earned. She gladly accepted opportunities to go out with friends or just do her own thing while I looked after the kids. 

She appeared to be happy however, she resisted intimacy with me.

To put it mildly, I felt taken for granted.

At first, I was certain that my wife simply did not understand how important intimacy was to me. I told her that I needed intimacy in order to be happy. I told her that I found our situation intolerable. I told her that it would not take much to make me happy. If she would just say yes once or twice a week, it would make a world of difference. Whenever we had these talks she would listen politely, indicate that she understood, and promise absolutely nothing.

After a while, I decided that she did understand how important sex was to me, but she didn’t care. I decided that she had become overly confident in her position. She was certain that I would never leave her, so there was no reason for her to make any effort to keep me. It seemed to me that the obvious solution was to start threatening her security in the marriage.

I confronted her, I gave an ultimatum. She did not listen politely. She got angry. She got scared. She broke down in tears. Then she gave in.

For a short period of time, our life was back, and I thought the problem was solved. I was not happy about the fact that I had to threaten the marriage to get things moving, but I was confident that once we got back in the swing of things she would remember that intimacy is important to our marriage and all of this negativity would fade into the past.

That is not what happened.

After a few weeks the shock of my ultimatum wore off, and my wife came to the realization that she had been manipulated. Once again, our married life was less than thrilling.

In my foolishness, I thought that I could get things back on track with another reminder. This time she was prepared. She unleashed on me the full force of the resentment that had been building since my initial ultimatum. This time it was me who came away feeling uncertain about the future of our marriage.

For the next few months I tip toed around her. I did not even mention the subject of intimacy. I began to realize that I had made a huge mistake in trying to force her to behave the way that I wanted. I was trying to control her, and the attempt had blown up in my face. I began to think that I was doomed to be nothing but a roommate for the rest of my married days.

However, hope has a way of shining its light into every situation.
After a few months, things returned to “normal” in our lives. There was still limited intimacy, but neither was there open animosity. I began to think about our love life again, and how it could be enhanced. 

After educating myself through several relationship books, I realized that she was simply behaving in the way God had designed her to behave. My wife was simply being herself. If she was not responding to me, it was because I was not being the right kind of man. I needed to change that.

I also learned that I could not force my wife to change. In fact, I could not force her to do anything. I could only change myself. I learned that if I engaged in a process of personal growth, and became a better man and husband, then my wife’s perception could change naturally, and she could be attracted to me again. Rather than try to make her change, I would instead create happiness within myself. If I could be happy for me, regardless of her, I might create the conditions under which she would freely respond to me. 

The great thing about making the right changes in ourselves is that It does not require our spouse to do anything except be themselves. Whether or not you succeed at becoming a happily married couple can be entirely dependent on YOU. 

When you can find happiness in yourself, then you can guide your marriage toward mutual change. Mutual change is the way your marriage WILL succeed.

Warmly,
RDJ


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

LOL A smack in the face to all those people telling women to "just do it." Very happy to hear you found a way to improve your marriage for both yourself AND your wife.


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## LastDance (Jun 8, 2012)

Thank you for sharing RDJ. I love a happy ending, well actually it's a happy beginning isn't it?  Well done on not only learning from your mistakes but for sharing how you did it so freely. 

LD


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

RDJ,
Everyone has to find their own path. I do believe that the "hammer" is a very poor tool for improving a marriage "with a healthy spouse". And with an unhealthy/dysfunctional spouse, it may improve things - but not for long and generally at the expense of real stability. I have yet to find a man who enjoys a continuous precipice dance with a woman he loves. It is simply too draining. 

I ALSO believe that being kind, understanding and showing unlimited patience generally creates a very toxic dynamic where your needs only get met when it is convenient. 

Destabilizing a marriage with a hammer shows a lack of self control. I believe that doing so in a gradual but determined manner when you are being taken for granted, is sometimes the ONLY path to balance. That said, I am close to certain, that in most sexually screwed up marriages, I could spend a couple days observing the couple and then point out a long list of interactions outside the bedroom that reflect that very same lack of balance. 

I admit that the general tone of your posts makes me a bit skeptical that you have actually achieved the balance you describe - either in or out of the bedroom. But maybe I am completely wrong. My marriage is 90/10. 90 percent high quality beta and 10 percent alpha. And that seems to make my wife the happiest. I briefly flirted with a 100/0 blend - total fvcking disaster. 

So - honestly - what did you do behaviorally that really improved your sex life? And did it really reach a place that is a true compromise between your ideal - and your wife's ideal?





RDJ said:


> When I first set out to try and change my marriage, I typed the following phrase into Google; “How do I make my wife be more sexual?” There are two major problems with this question:
> 
> 1) It assumes that my wife is the problem
> 
> ...


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

River1977 said:


> LOL A smack in the face to all those people telling women to "just do it." Very happy to hear you found a way to improve your marriage for both yourself AND your wife.




The only thing worse than a woman sacrificing her own happiness and self-esteem to “just do it”, is the man with such low self-esteem that he would accept it!


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> RDJ,
> Everyone has to find their own path. I do believe that the "hammer" is a very poor tool for improving a marriage "with a healthy spouse". And with an unhealthy/dysfunctional spouse, it may improve things - but not for long and generally at the expense of real stability. I have yet to find a man who enjoys a continuous precipice dance with a woman he loves. It is simply too draining.
> 
> I ALSO believe that being kind, understanding and showing unlimited patience generally creates a very toxic dynamic where your needs only get met when it is convenient.
> ...


Mem11363 

In short, I love my wife, my wife loves me. I am happy with me regardless of my wife. That happiness is not based on the amount of times we have sex. It’s not about quantity, it’s about quality.

Even if I am having sex 5 times a week, we are talking about a few hours a week. That leaves a whole lot of time to fill with other happiness. To focus on that time is what’s truly important.

In other words, my wife and I enjoy each other for friendship, companionship, and a hundred other things. Sex is just an added bonus. So it does not matter if it’s once per day, once per week, or once per month. My happiness is not based on my wife or sex.

That being said, with no disrespect, makes the alpha/beta theory pointless in my opinion?

As for "I ALSO believe that being kind, understanding and showing unlimited patience generally creates a very toxic dynamic where your needs only get met when it is convenient."

I agree. I believe in mutual happiness. I am not a doormat. I give because that is the man I am. I will not settle for anything less in return.

I am free, as is my wife, to leave our marriage at any point. It would be a sad thing. But an acceptable thing. I do not fear it and I make it very clear to my wife that she too has a choice.

Does that make sense, did I answer your question?


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

> That being said, with no disrespect, makes the alpha/beta theory pointless in my opinion?


Well... somehow that sentence doesn't quite make sense.. like the subject phrase was missing from the sentence structure. I'd have to disagree if I understand the point, the alpha/beta theory is about fixing this:



> If she was not responding to me, it was because I was not being the right kind of man. I needed to change that.


I've mentioned myself that I think that one thing I've realized is that although my primary love language is physical touch, my desire for sex is actually probably more connected with my secondary love language - affirmations.

I am glad that I was able to change myself and my marriage without having to threaten the marriage. My wife did threaten the marriage, and afterwards she was shamed about that - and there was no need to have done that. I didn't need a wakeup call, I was already there and it didn't change what I needed to do. The only thing her threat to the marriage accomplished was that it made me question whether it was worth all the effort, and the frank answer is that I would've said no if not for our kids.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

My appolgies. I just don't believe that alpha/beta makes much sense.

I believe that I can love my wife, my wife can love me regardless of which of us is in either mode. As I believe that we all have both traits, and pending the situation, we use them as necessary.

It does not affect a mutually happy marriage.

Thanks for your comments, it's just an opinion.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

RDJ,
I'm 49 - clearly I grasp the value of true friendship, our shared *vertical *passions such as tennis, and our love of words, language and humor. 

It is also true that I came with a fairly standard male to female circuit board and my WIFE came with a relatively standard female to male circuit board. What that means is we BOTH expect a lot from me, and she notices if that isn't happening. And that doesn't mean a new lexus every 24 months. It does mean a certain amount of "excitement" as an example. And for sure a large amount of quality time together - which is fun and easy as she is fun and playful. 

She isn't bltchy, or obvious about her expectations when they go unmet. At least not during a short time frame. But she notices. And after a not long time - she starts to react. 

So - when she is healthy - and when so much of my wiring and her wiring make for a focus on what she likes to do, I expect a certain amount of focus on what is important to me, SOLELY because it is important to me. And to directly respond to your quote below, if the most she can manage is an hour or two once a month during which it is *all about me*, that isn't really ok. Not even close. 

Warmly,

MEM



RDJ said:


> Mem11363
> 
> In short, I love my wife, my wife loves me. I am happy with me regardless of my wife. That happiness is not based on the amount of times we have sex. It’s not about quantity, it’s about quality.
> 
> ...


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> RDJ,
> I'm 49 - clearly I grasp the value of true friendship, our shared *vertical *passions such as tennis, and our love of words, language and humor.
> 
> It is also true that I came with a fairly standard male to female circuit board and my WIFE came with a relatively standard female to male circuit board. What that means is we BOTH expect a lot from me, and she notices if that isn't happening. And that doesn't mean a new lexus every 24 months. It does mean a certain amount of "excitement" as an example. And for sure a large amount of quality time together - which is fun and easy as she is fun and playful.
> ...


Understand and agree. I can accept once a month, and will. But rarely need to. I certainly can and will push the envelope when I need to.

But again, I rarely need to. I'm direct, I'm open, and I'm honest about my sexual needs. My wife knows that, she respects that, and she fills my needs.

But because I fill hers and I respect that she will not always be in the mood when I am. That mutual respect took me a long time to change.

I'm not trying to debate you here, I respect your views. Just sharing my thoughts. Maybe some one can take something from the conversation.

Thanks for your replies.

Warmly,

RDJ


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

RDJ said:


> My appolgies. I just don't believe that alpha/beta makes much sense.
> 
> I believe that I can love my wife, my wife can love me regardless of which of us is in either mode. As I believe that we all have both traits, and pending the situation, we use them as necessary.
> 
> ...


How do you feel about discussing it? I think it would be an interesting discussion, but I respect and agree with your broader point of this thread and wouldn't want to sidetrack the discussion.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

WillK said:


> How do you feel about discussing it? I think it would be an interesting discussion, but I respect and agree with your broader point of this thread and wouldn't want to sidetrack the discussion.


I would love to have the conversation.

Not to be rude, but it will have to wait a bit.

Going on vacation tomorrow, will be gone for a week.

One change I did make, no computers on vacation! 

It's US time.

Thanks for your comments, I'll post you up when I return.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

It is good to see you could lead yourself and your wife into a happier marriage.

I completely agree that "Mutual change is the way your marriage WILL succeed." It's not really part of your post to delve into how the marriage got to the low-sex point where you started the work, but the real shame would seem to be the initial non-mutual changes that happened and were not communicated to get the marriage to that point.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

RDJ said:


> Mem11363
> 
> In short, I love my wife, my wife loves me. I am happy with me regardless of my wife. That happiness is not based on the amount of times we have sex. It’s not about quantity, it’s about quality.
> 
> ...


Believe me your deepest happiness is based on your wife.

Your happiness is based on your wife being of the highest fidelity, the highest quality reproduction (much like a hifi system!) that what you see every day is a true representation of the woman she actually is. I mean fidelity in the truest sense of the word: loyalty, faithfulness, reliability, trustworthiness, dependability, commitment, conformity.

If you ever were to discover that in some way your wife is not the person she has presented to you then your happiness will be a thing of the past but you may with luck get it back some time in the future. If you were to discover say your wife in an affair for the past eight years you will be one shattered, deeply sad and depressed man! And then you will see how much you depended on your wife for your happiness.


Why oh why some people think they live in emotional isolation as far as joy, happiness, sadness anger etc. from their partner is way beyond my comprehension.

No Man Is An Island ……


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

RDJ said:


> When I first set out to try and change my marriage, I typed the following phrase into Google; “How do I make my wife be more sexual?” There are two major problems with this question:
> 
> 1) It assumes that my wife is the problem
> 
> ...


Well written. Makes sense, too! So, have things improved for you in the intimacy department?


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Believe me your deepest happiness is based on your wife.
> 
> Your happiness is based on your wife being of the highest fidelity, the highest quality reproduction (much like a hifi system!) that what you see every day is a true representation of the woman she actually is. I mean fidelity in the truest sense of the word: loyalty, faithfulness, reliability, trustworthiness, dependability, commitment, conformity.
> 
> ...


Well, my wife did have an affair a few years back. Yes! it was pretty tough.

I survived, she survived, our marriage survived. In fact it is stronger than ever before. 33 years now.

What came out of it? Growth and a new understanding about myself, my wife, and life.

Can she have another affair, can I? Yup!

It will be a sad thing, but it will not kill me, it will stop my ability to be happy in life. It will not stop my ability to love her, or any woman. It sure as hell won't stop me from loving myself.

No I'm not not an island. I'm realistic, **** happens?

I do enjoy your perspective and thoughts. Can always learn more.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Well written. Makes sense, too! So, have things improved for you in the intimacy department?


Why thank you for asking.

My life, my marriage, my happiness, and my sex life are just fine.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I think you are straight-up a good guy. As for sex - I think you are smart. As long as both spouses are making an effort to please each other and avoid displeasing each other - across the board - then that is healthy. I accept that my drive is greater. I perceive desire and anticipation as beautiful things. And I absolutely accept her drive is lower. Many nights we lie, my head in her lap, watching tv while she gives me a world class back scratch and I gently caress her legs.




RDJ said:


> Understand and agree. I can accept once a month, and will. But rarely need to. I certainly can and will push the envelope when I need to.
> 
> But again, I rarely need to. I'm direct, I'm open, and I'm honest about my sexual needs. My wife knows that, she respects that, and she fills my needs.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

RDJ said:


> Why thank you for asking.
> 
> My life, my marriage, my happiness, and my sex life are just fine.


I only ask because I am currently in the struggle to 'change myself'. Apparently that's all I can do, in any given situation regarding my marriage. I'm in denial over that; even though I know it must be true. What I have a hard time with is why should I have to change myself, when I'm not the one that has done anything wrong? It's a tough call...


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> I only ask because I am currently in the struggle to 'change myself'. Apparently that's all I can do, in any given situation regarding my marriage. I'm in denial over that; even though I know it must be true. What I have a hard time with is why should I have to change myself, when I'm not the one that has done anything wrong? It's a tough call...


Sorry I don't have much time to respond, on my way out of town.

Changing you does not mean that you change the person you are.

It means that you change how you react, respond to, and interact with your husband.

Don't react to his negative behavior. Live by example, you are always possitive and unaffected by him. (at least where he can see it)

Don't respond to his negative behavior. Don't feed into it. Don't have allot of time to explain this, but let him be negative, you come back/stay possitive with you. Control your thoughts, your mind. He cannot make you be anything you do not want to be. Angry, sad, hurt are all emotions that YOU control, not him!

Iteract only when possitive. "I won't allow this to go negative. We can have this discussion when we can do so in a possitive way"

I don't know your situation. What kind of man you have. You don't want to anger him? So you use your best judgement on how you can lead by example and not participate in BS.

If you are your best and he does not respond to that in time. He simply does not deserve YOU!

I hope that helps? I'm simply out of time.

Do your best to, as silly as it sounds, to find inner peace!


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

RDJ…

I can understand most of what you are saying here… I have been reading soooo many self-help books it driver me crazy sometimes. At first I was just trying to fix myself and at the same time be a little understanding with my wife. 

What I discovered is that I just have the power to change myself. Or change MY attitude and change my reaction to her behavior. I can and did a 180, but that was a temporary fix. It helped some of it, but it is still there hidden deep.

So no matter how I feel inside. Whether it’s the lack of feeling desired, feeling loved, feeling respected, feeling appreciated, and feeling like a man, it has to come from me. My wife says does all of that. “Actions speak louder than words” she tells me. Only her actions don’t make me feel like she does. We don’t even say “I love you “anymore. If I think back over the 20 years, I was always the one to say I love you first. She always said I love you too. 

That could be my cloudy memory speaking. I don’t know. I’ll admit, a lot of my self-esteem, I NEED from my wife. I NEED her to make me feel like a man, otherwise, I look to other women to feel that NEED! I am only human! That is where I am at now and have been for a while now. Communication doesn’t work. My wife is so passive, it’s like I am married to valium.

Of course, all of this is just in my mind like a bad dream or something. I just have to wake up and put a smile on and all will be just fine. Just love myself and she will show more love to me? I just expect way too much I guess.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Great post, RDJ! It makes sense, what you said. After all, Gandhi did say: "You must be the change you want to see in the world", and I can definitely see how that applies to relationships. But yeah, I was like you. I tried for so long to change my boyfriend, and it was exhausting. We might as well spend our energy trying to better ourselves, instead of trying to change others who may not want to change, right?

I am still struggling with this myself, trying to change my way of thinking. Any tips on doing so (when you get back, of course)?

And MEM11363, I also agree with you that showing unlimited patience and kindness leads to a toxic environment where your needs only get met when convenient. This really hit home for me. Growing up with a narcissistic mother (and possibly family), nothing was about me, everything was about serving her and serving the family. So I carried this into my relationships...I tried doing whatever I could to make my boyfriends happy, always going out of my way for them. And they, in turn, stopped doing so for me and I feel taken for granted.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

A few years back when I opened a discussion on having orgasims with my wife I bluntly asked her about having them, and then asked her if it was the greatest feeling in the world like it is for most men? She responded with "they do feel nice and I enjoy them - but it's not something I just can't live without"; and right at that moment I knew we were going to be in trouble sexually and now we are averaging about 1 sexual encounter every 3-4 months(even though I try all the time to get her going).


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> I only ask because I am currently in the struggle to 'change myself'. Apparently that's all I can do, in any given situation regarding my marriage. I'm in denial over that; even though I know it must be true. What I have a hard time with is why should I have to change myself, when I'm not the one that has done anything wrong? It's a tough call...




The average person in an unhappy marriage often blames all of their negative actions on their spouse. Verbally or unspoken, they feel justified.

They have too. The only other option would be to blame themselves. How many people are willing to do this?

We all know it takes two; we can confess our sins and make some change in our marriage. But we can’t get over the hump until each person is willing to look at themselves, their contribution to the unhappiness.

How do you get there?

You take the high road. You stand on your values at all costs. Even if it means confrontation, you do not react to your partner’s negative actions and you always stay in your positive frame of mind. You work at removing all your mistreatment, bad habits, and things that you know will shut your partner down. You begin to live, behave, and express for “the greater good" of your marriage and yourself.

You express when your partner is negative, but you don't react to it. You lead through positive actions, no matter how they chose to respond. Throughout the process, believe it or not, you begin to build trust, respect, and admiration.

When you can do this consistently over a long period of time, what happens?

Your partner can no longer blame you for their own negativity, their own issues. They will hopefully take a good hard look at themselves? They simply can no longer blame shift.

If it's not too late, or they are not too stuck in their own misery, they will begin to respond in kind. If not, they may choose to end the marriage. Their choice!

If you have truly taken the high road, truly become your best self, you will have peace that you have done all you could. You may be sad that it did not work, but you will feel peace. You will know in your heart that the issue was not yours to hold onto.

Should your spouse respond with what you give? Then you can set boundaries, you can express your needs. You can then, and only then, create a MUTUALLY happy marriage...

YOU LEAD BY EXAMPLE! 

Of course, thats just my opinion?


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