# I was mean to my deployed WH last night and I feel bad.



## Lost Lady (Dec 25, 2015)

So just to recap, my H is deployed and I caught him in an early-stage EA six weeks ago with a female officer whom he is deployed with.

As far as I have been told and can tell, my H has no more involvement with OW. We have been communicating a lot more lately and I feel like we are making positive progress in R.

However, sometimes I get so damn mad about what happened. I am mad that my romantic fantasy of happily-ever-after and true love have been shattered. I am mad that my H does not comprehend the seriousness of what he did or the danger it posed to our marriage.

In an attempt to make my husband see clarity, I sent him a long text where I basically told him to imagine me doing everything to my H that he did to me. I was very detailed in my text about what he should imagine.

My imagination-inducing text upset him and he called me shortly after receiving it. He admitted that if I did those things to him that he would be hurt. 

We continued to talk and he said some things that just made me more mad. He told me he thought we had a better-than-average marriage. Okay, if that's the case, why did he engage in an EA?

I was feeling vindictive at this point so I told him that I no longer believed that our relationship was special nor that it ever was. That we were just two people who happened to have come to love each other and get married, just like billions of other people in the world. I know that hearing me say that deeply hurt him. I could hear the hurt in his voice after that and he is not a super-emotional man. This pulled at my heart-strings but also made me more mad. If he still fancied us soul-mates, why did he engage in a damn EA???

Anyhow, I feel so very dark and guilty about the way I treated him. Not to mention what I told him about how I feel about us was a lie. I still see our relationship through a romantic lens and still feel that what we have is special.

It felt satisfying to know that I could inflict emotional pain on him the way he did me without having to be a cheating **** to accomplish it. Am I a terrible person and should I apologize for what I did and tell him the truth about how much I still value our love and marriage asap?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Dear hubby,

I hurt you yesterday and told you the truth, but I want you home safe and in our bed. Dear lord just get home safe *******.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You need to forgive yourself. Get in touch with him and apologize for being mean to him. Stop inflicting pain to your husband. It will only make you feel bad about yourself. See a counselor for yourself to help you with managing your anger.

You still need to address the emotional affair. You said that he was having an emotional affair with a female officer that he was deployed with. What made you think that this was an emotional affair? How did you find out? What was said in their communications?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

What you are feeling and doing are perfectly normal for what your husband did, and what your are going through.

The tricky part is that he is deployed, and perhaps in dangerous situations where he has to focus for his own safety and that of his men.

But being in that situation, he chose to cheat.

Like others said, go see an IC, and they can help you navigate these new waters.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

For me, there were two precipitous periods in this saga: one was right after the discovery of his infidelity (he confessed), and the other was after the divorce was final (it was his second or third attempt to go through with it, having filed and wavered before). I had to step back and take a breath and figure out how I wanted to interact with him. 

It is true that being honest with your h about how you feel and how much he hurt you is important, but there is a way to do it and as others have pointed out, you're human and you're gonna hurt, but what you're learning is that the way you handle that can sometimes haunt you and bother you, and leave you feeling bad. As I was reading what you wrote, I thought, well, at SOME pointo this is going to come up and she's going to need to vent about how very very much he hurt her, and his abiility to take it will be a test of whether the marriage will survive. But as you've discovered, it could be too early for that, and perhaps this time while he is deployed and not living with you is a time for you to get stronger and catch your breath and see an IC for help. One of the best things I did when h confessed to having been unfaithful was get an IC; I saw her less than two weeks after the confession and saw her for over a year afterwards. It helped a lot.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

What happens on deployment stays on deployment was the Motto when I was in. I know that is not what you want to hear but things do happen while away.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blacksmith01 said:


> What happens on deployment stays on deployment was the Motto when I was in. I know that is not what you want to hear but things do happen while away.


And it's a very bad motto.


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## Lost Lady (Dec 25, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> You need to forgive yourself. Get in touch with him and apologize for being mean to him. Stop inflicting pain to your husband. It will only make you feel bad about yourself. See a counselor for yourself to help you with managing your anger.
> 
> You still need to address the emotional affair. You said that he was having an emotional affair with a female officer that he was deployed with. What made you think that this was an emotional affair? How did you find out? What was said in their communications?


I found out because one night I felt an overwhelming prompting telling me to break into his Facebook account and check his messages. I caught him in the middle of messaging OW in real time. The messages were not romantic or sexual but they were intimate and flirtatious in a way that is not appropriate for a married man. 

I believe it did not go beyond an EA because I was able to access past FB messages between my H and OW and the conversations never discussed anything sexual or hinted at deep connections between them. I was able to access quite a bit of my H's other electronic records that he probably didn't realize I was capable of accessing and found nothing suspicious. I also was in communication with OWH and his findings corroborated mine. In addition, I have discussed the details with my H quite thoroughly at this point and my intuition tells me he is speaking the truth.

I apologized to him today, not too long ago. And I told him the truth about my feelings - that I still felt that our relationship/marriage/love was special and valuable but that my romantic ideals about us had definitely been knocked off the pedestal. He got really quiet and finally commented about how it bothered him that I will never see him as good of a man as I once did. I could tell he felt deep shame right then. Knowing he felt remorse and shame gave me satisfaction. I suppose I should get talking to a counselor about all this!


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## Lost Lady (Dec 25, 2015)

Blacksmith01 said:


> What happens on deployment stays on deployment was the Motto when I was in. I know that is not what you want to hear but things do happen while away.


Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), what happened on my H's deployment did not stay on deployment. Plenty of married men and women keep their marriage vows while deployed. I am still young and good looking and have had plenty of opportunity to cheat on my H while he's been gone. More opportunity than he has had to cheat I am sure. And I never took the bait. I expect the same commitment and fidelity from my other half.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Honest communication is necessary for a long, happy marriage.

Saying things with the intention of making the other person feel bad is wrong and it could backfire on you.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Important question Lost Lady: did it give you satisfaction or comfort to see his shame? If satisfaction-why? If comfort - why?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Hurt people hurt people. 

Sometimes we say things and react in anger when we don't mean to. When you add in the fact that you're hurt, there's a greater propensity to say something you'll regret. 

That doesn't make it excusable, what it makes you is human.

You've apologized, let this one go. Just try to "do better" next time.

I'm a wayward spouse. Trying like hell to save my marriage and I have a snowballs chance in hell of doing so.

I still live with my husband for the next few months and we are generally friendly. My husband cuddles with me at night, watches movies with me. Goes places with me, just today we had some pretty important conversation about my 14 year old lying to her dad. 

My husband looked at me a couple of hours ago and asked if we could have grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner. I can't have carbs which means I had to cook something else for myself. Which is no big deal, I could care less, I like to cook.

So I volunteered to go to the store and get everything, even though all day I've been doing laundry and cleaning out the pantry. Again, no big deal.

He wanted bacon, blocks of mozzarella and cheddar cheese, bacon and real butter.

Well, blocks of cheese are stupid expensive today, so I got cheddar and provolone slices. They didn't have mozzarella slices. Provolone is pretty damn close.

While at the store, I see a sirloin steak on managers special, which means the sell by date is tomorrow. Marked down to $5. So I get that for me because I can't have grilled cheese and tomato soup. Then I get a bag of salad mix.

I get home and cook the bacon for him. I make the soup and the kids grilled cheese and salads. I asked him if he wanted me to make his grilled cheese. He says no, he wants to make his.

As he comes in the kitchen, he looks at me and says "you get steak and we get grilled cheese?" I said "you asked for grilled cheese and this steak was on managers special."

He opens the fridge. Says "where's the mozzarella?" I said they only had mozzarella in blocks and it was really expensive so I got provolone, it's basically the same".

He rolls his eyes and says "no it's not"

Then he's mad he can't find a spatula. Then he's mad I'm using the pan to make my son another grilled cheese. He's throwing kitchen utensils on the counter, huffing and puffing, rolling his eyes. 

Not once did I get a thank you for going to the store. I didn't get a thank you for making the bacon. I didn't get a thank you for making the soup.

I got anger because I got provolone instead of mozzarella and because I bought a steak on managers special while he was eating the grilled cheese and tomato soup HE requested.

I cook for my family almost every night. And 9 times out of 10, I don't eat it because I can't eat carbs. I survive on peanut butter and cheese, sometimes a piece of chicken. Occasionally a salad. 

None of that matters. What matters is, he perceives that I did something wrong. Whether it's because of what I did to him, or because he's playing mind movies and flashing back, or because he's genuinely upset I ate a steak and he had grilled cheese. 

My husband won't apologize to me. He probably doesn't even feel bad that he got an attitude. A half hour from now, he probably won't even remember why he was angry, he just knows he's angry. So the anger is what I get. 

I think it's great that you apologized to your husband. I think it's commendable that you feel bad for being mean to him. But my point in all of this is.....there are times you're going to be angry. And you're going to say things. And you might not even know WHY you're angry and you may take it out on him. 

But what your husband needs to do is deal with it. His actions caused your anger. Yes, you are in control of how you act and react, but at the end of the day, if he hadn't done what he did, there wouldn't be anger from you to begin with. How he reacts to your anger will tell you a lot about how he feels about you and saving your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blacksmith01 said:


> What happens on deployment stays on deployment was the Motto when I was in. I know that is not what you want to hear but things do happen while away.


Unless it includes STDs, pregnancies, etc?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Blacksmith01 said:


> What happens on deployment stays on deployment was the Motto when I was in. I know that is not what you want to hear but things do happen while away.


Yup.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LosingHim said:


> Hurt people hurt people.
> 
> Sometimes we say things and react in anger when we don't mean to. When you add in the fact that you're hurt, there's a greater propensity to say something you'll regret.
> 
> ...


Sorry for the threadjack, but aren't peanut butter and cheese two of the major food groups? And can you have chocolate? If so, get some toasted bread, cover them in soft cheese, peanut butter and chocolate spread, then microwave for 15 to 30 seconds.

"We now return you to your regular thread." 

BTW, your husband was looking for a fight, the steak was his chosen starting point. Anything else would have worked just as well.


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## Lost Lady (Dec 25, 2015)

JohnA said:


> Important question Lost Lady: did it give you satisfaction or comfort to see his shame? If satisfaction-why? If comfort - why?


Both. It gave me satisfaction because I suppose I want him to hurt too. I don't want him to get away with this without feeling the burn, so to say. It gives me comfort because him having shame gives me hope that my good, honorable husband is still in there and that he really does love me.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm not sure I'd feel too bad about it and here's why. ....

It's how you feel and he should know that. And a little empathy can go a long way. 

I am ex army and this kind of thing is very common unfortunately. I think it's good for him to feel a little of what you feel, particularly because he didn't seem to want to acknowledge that what he did was a big deal. 

Yet if that's true why would he care if you did it? See, he knows it's a big deal but doesn't want to deal with it, which makes him a big risk to repeat. So why shouldn't he know what it feels like?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> And it's a very bad motto.


They think that until they find out their wife also had company while they were away. 

Then suddenly it's a big deal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

lostlady

I am a betrayed spouse myself, my wife had a six month affair with a coworker. Understanding your emotions and feelings I get, being truthful I get, being sorry for being honest, I don't get. You have to be truthful, otherwise your spouse will never understand how you feel. Don't be sorry that he is hurt, he caused this and not you. If he feels hurt over your true feelings, then that's his consequence to bear. There will be many more for him to feel, they are not caused by you, it's his own crap behavior that put him where he is.

As for your marriage, it died, mourn the loss of it and now if YOU choose to reconcile build it new from the ground up. It's extremely difficult at best, and your job is to fix yourself, as well as its his job to fix himself and the heavy lifting regarding the marriage. Have him email a no contact letter to you and you then forward it with your changes or approval. Also send a copy to OWH that they will not contact each other. 

This will keep you busy enough for a while, I wish you the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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