# My insecurities RUINING my marriage..HONEST ADVSE NEEDED ASAP



## pinkprincess (Jun 10, 2008)

So i posted on here a few weeks ago and thougt we were doing ok untill last night and now this morning....... as a result i am having time out to myself in my room with the computer and this site and hubby is outside avoiding me too...

Marriage is never easy and i have recently admitted to myself ( which is hard) why we keep going around and cirlcles, and i believe a large part of it is my insecurities...

I get that everyone has them however mine seem to be so much stronger and i dont know if it is due to a medical conition or if i am just crazy...

So here is a very short background of what makes me who i am today.... I was adopted at birth ( put in a foster home for 2 weeks) and then adopted into my new family i had a great up bringing, when i was 17 i was raped and as a result i went off the rails, after that i did something that i am will never forgive myself for and then got involved with a man who used to hit me and say things that resulted in all all my self confidence and self worth dissapearing, which is something now i have never got back...this was not helped along by the fact he cheated on me time after time, the first time being with a stripper when i wa 8 months pregnant....This is NOT the man i went on to marry but thats where the insecurities that are wreaking my marriage are coming in..

i have a wonderful man now he has never hit me, and i know would never cheat, i know this but i cant believe it.. because i have lost comlete faith in men and i know first hand what men are like when it comes to woman, they are never satisfied with the one they have and most of them will cheat!! now i know this may upset a few of you as your men are not like this but this is what i have learnt so to me tis is the way it is..

So the problem now is because i can not trust it makes things hard between hubby and i as i am such a jeloues and insecure person and i tend to have a few anger issues so all this rolled into one is not a healty mix, now please dont get me wrong i am not all ways like this i would say 10% of the time we fight, problem being when we do it gets bad and hurtful,
The reason for last nights fight was because i got put on the spot by a single friend of ours who hubby one night ( i didnt know about ) had gone to this woman and told her about the insecurities i have, to me this hurt because it was not his place to be telling another woman about all the down falls i had i felt humiliated.... he doesnt understand why i am the way i am and see's it more as phcyo and crazy instead of being supportive...

So my question is...what now? i know councilling is going to come up in the responces but i guess i dont trust people so i cant see how talking about something like this?

i need to get this sorted but dont know how


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

pinkprincess

I am going to say something, I don't know if it will help you or not. 

I used to feel insecure too, about life and people. I was also hurt by people, not the same way as yours, but also hurt by people. 

Until this one day, I realized how this feeling of insecure was harming me. 

It is all in our mind, we think too much, let our past punish our present is really silly for us to do. 

What you have now is not hurting you, then enjoy it, enjoy it as much as you can, don't let you past ruin your present. People sometimes make this mistake, they spend too much time thinking about their past and worrying about their future, they forget their present. 

Please, it is your present you have to deal with. Make sure that life is OK today, then enjoy the peace today, if you are sure to make every " today" peaceful, then everyday becomes peaceful.

So set a goal, tell yourself: Today, I don't want to fight with my husband, today I am healthy, today our job is fine, today I am happy, today I want to do something wonderful for my husband and make him happy. 

Make "today" a goal to be happy, then every "today" will be happy. 

Deal with today.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

pinkprincess said:


> The reason for last nights fight was because i got put on the spot by a single friend of ours who hubby one night ( i didnt know about ) had gone to this woman and told her about the insecurities i have, to me this hurt because it was not his place to be telling another woman about all the down falls i had i felt humiliated.... he doesnt understand why i am the way i am and see's it more as phcyo and crazy instead of being supportive...
> 
> So my question is...what now? i know councilling is going to come up in the responces but i guess i dont trust people so i cant see how talking about something like this?
> 
> i need to get this sorted but dont know how


I can imagine his telling you felt like a betrayal. I don't know if it would have been any better for you if he had told a male friend. I am not you. I suspect that if jealousy and fear of betrayal are part of the problem, he likely did not make a wise choice in confiding in this woman.

What I am going to say next probably won't please you. I don't know what "being supportive" means to you. But it does not mean allowing you to continue to have mental health problems that you are unwilling to attempt to fix. You say you don't trust people. When you get an infection, do you trust your physician to aid in your recovery? 

No one is responsible to fix you. Only you. To be completely honest, if you have such massive trust issues, you really have only two choices

- Leave no stone unturned regardless of how scary or difficult to try to heal the issues within your head. It sounds like I am making light of your situation. Trust I am not. This is not easy. Hard. Yet quite simple.

- Let him go. Release him. So long as you cannot manage basic human trust, you have no business being married. 

I am sorry this sounds so harsh. I know it sounds unfair and judgmental for me to say these things, as if it is your fault that these difficulties befell you. That could not be farther from the truth. But regardless of the source of the difficulties, they are yours. This is your reality.

If your husband is a good man, perhaps confused on how to pursue life with you, but basically a good bloke, supporting you could be really helpful if you choose bullet one above. Just being able to see a caring face after facing ... say a fear of a therapist appointment...

Rape grief is very challenging. But there ARE ways to get help to see clearly to resume a normal life that involves trusting the trustworthy. I ask that you try to find someone who is detached and professional that you feel you can begin a conversation with, whether a therapist, a clergy-person... 

I am very sorry for your situation. I wish you the best.

S


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Princess,

First thing you have to realize is that it was your decision to go off the rails and only you can get back on them.

But, you have to want to.

That's what counseling will help you do.

Get a good one and go 2x weekly until you're done.

Tell your hubby you have to do this and to realize you may not be yourself for awhile - but appeal to him to be patient.

If you are direct and honest with him in that way, there's simply no way he will refuse to support you.


----------



## heatherlindsay (Sep 1, 2010)

overall a lot of women have insecurities some show it more then others. And some can hold it in very well. I have insecurities too,and i have no reason to be insecure....I guess its just hard to trust men in this day and age when you look at the cheating statistics.

the first thing Ive got to say about your post is that it is none of his business to say anything to that girl. Unless they are realllly good friends and have known each other for a long time. Is it possible he was looking for some kind of reaction from her? maybe a sympathetic one? 

Lay out your boundaries first and then work on yourself. Its harder to fix yourself if someone is giving you reason to feel insecure. questions to ask yourself. what was his reaction when the girl put you on the spot? also the main question why didn't you know about this girl and ho many others don't you know about? If he has female friends you have the RIGHT to know who they are and be introduced, that's how it should be. no wonder you are insecure, I would be too! and Ive had a pretty decent upbringing so that should tell you something.:scratchhead:

SKETCHY


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Princess,
> 
> First thing you have to realize is that it was your decision to go off the rails and only you can get back on them.


Conrad, I wonder how many times you have been raped? It was not her "decision" to go off the rails one tiny little bit. While it may seem like just a fun little play to a Real Man, in fact rape is a violent assault. The lack of humanity that is required to perform such a violent act can shake ANYONE'S trust in people and mess one to one's core. I am stone cold, hard as nails beotch and even I did not walk away unscathed.

So yah while I agree with the jist that she needs help, that was way beyond anything I care to read without strenuous objection.


----------



## pinkprincess (Jun 10, 2008)

Thank you for your replies.

@ Greenpearl.... your advise definalty gave me something to think and work on, and i will def try to do this..so thank you.

@vthomeschoolmom.... i think it would have been better if he had of told a male friend but he chose to go to my single friend ( who he has said once by accident in an argument he wishes i could be like, if he could put my loooks onto her nature and understanding that would be his "perfect woman" so he chose to go to her behind my back, knowing full well we are very good friends. so this as humiliatig for me...
I do understand where you are comig from with your being supportive comment and he has said for me to get help but to be honest it is terrifying and i just want him to be RIGHT there with me without me having to ask!!! 
As for the 2nd option this hit home hard and brought a tear as i have told him before this is who i am and for him to find better if he is not happy...i am sorry i have to disagree that *i have no bussiness being married.... * are you saying that anyone who has been hurt badly and still carries scars and has a few issues no matter how big or small should not be married??? i think this is wrong and unfair....sorry just my opinion, the reason i cannot manage "basic human trust"has something to do with the fact that everyone i let close to me hurts me this has been happening since the day i was born!!!!! and i dont know if you know anyone that has been adopted,raped, hit or cheated on or even all of the above but i think any one of those degrades any womans self worth and trust.

@Conrad....you say t was my choice to go off the rails, it was not my choice to be held down and have things done and then spend 8 hours in a police station while i be completly degraded again....i take it you have never had this happen to you but i would be very proud of you if you were able to function as normal and not be terrified of any man that walks past you.... 
yes it was a few years ago so maybe i should move on now..


I know i need to change for myself as well as my hubby please keep giving advise i appriciate it


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

pinkpricess,

We are living in a cruel world, and there are a lot of people who are selfish. They only think about themselves. They only want to satisfy their own ugly desire, they don't mind causing pain to others. 

I don't like to talk about stuff which had hurt me, every time if I talk about it, it brings back pain. 

Now, I only focus on my blessing, focus on good people, focus on people's good qualities, focus on beautiful things. 

The kind of mentality I have now does bring peace into my mind. 

Please don't let your past haunt you, a lot of us grow up not in a happy way. 

Also clean your heart, it is Buddhism teaching, it says that as we grow up, we accumulate garbage into our hearts, they say clean it. Clean up the pile of ugly things which have stored in our heart. Get rid of the baggage, and then you will feel light. 

Count your blessing, count your happiness.................

I am sure your husband is frustrated, he doesn't know what to do. So forgive him for what he had done, he is your darling husband. In a marriage, please remember that we are not saints, sometimes we do things the wrong way and say things the wrong way, but as long as they are small mistakes, not heartbreaking, let's forgive them. It is not easy to run a marriage, it needs a lot of patience and forgiveness. Your husband did it out of frustration, so let it go. 

English is not my first language, very often I am here and there, so please take the good part and meditate, and see if it can help. 

Go search Buddhism website if you are interested, its teaching can really help us achieve peace.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I'm in the same place you are but after years of security and patience on my husband's part the intensity has faded. It sometimes still rears its ugly head but my husband is reassuring, has 100% transparency and it fades.

I don't know how to fix all that was done wrong to you. I can only offer you hope.

I also think what your husband did was wrong in that he didn't tell you he had this conversation but he is human and most likely struggles just as you do and was seeking relief. In loving you he signed on to deal with whatever the two of you face. I'm assuming he knows your history and still chose you. Remember this critical piece of information.

Take GreenPearl's advice. Try to enjoy what you have. Spending your life worried and jealous will waste and/or destroy so many beautiful memories you could be creating. Either learn to ignore it or ask your husband to be active in making it less of a burden like mine does. Tell him it is SO important to you that he be open and honest as well as patient with you.

You deserve to be loved. You deserve all the goodness in your life. Don't sabotage it because some man who is not fit to live tried to take it away from you. He can't.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

GP, that pic is of Leslie Chang...I love the movie Farewell My Concubine, Eat Drink Man Woman and all the others. She's an amazing actress and beautiful woman.

Ha no, I just looked it up. Looks like it's actually Gong Li. Durrrr, well she reminded me of Leslie Chang and is just as beautiful!


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Trenton said:


> GP, that pic is of Leslie Chang...I love the movie Farewell My Concubine, Eat Drink Man Woman and all the others. She's an amazing actress and beautiful woman.
> 
> Ha no, I just looked it up. Looks like it's actually Gong Li. Durrrr, well she reminded me of Leslie Chang and is just as beautiful!


Have you watched the movie " Lust, Caution"?

It is a great movie, it has a lot of sex in it. 



Neither! 

She is a new actress, very beautiful and attractive. She was banned by China because of the movie " Lust, Caution". I forget her name! Ang Lee directed it.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0808357/


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Have you watched the movie " Lust, Caution"?
> 
> It is a great movie, it has a lot of sex in it.
> 
> ...


Sheesh, I'm really off! I'll have to look it up and watch it. I love Ang Lee!


----------



## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

You expressed reservations about going to a therapist. I understand it's hard to trust someone. But you came HERE, and opened up to the people on this board. If you can open up here, you can learn to open up to someone who can help you.
You've had something very traumatic happen to you. I don't know if you had counseling at the time, but you should have. It's not too late though...find someone with whom you're comfortable. If it's not the first...go to the second. Or third. However many times it takes for you to find someone who is going to get you past this.
You CAN heal, and you can feel better. But I think it's going to be really hard if you don't get someone to help you along with that.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

pinkprincess said:


> Thank you for your replies.
> 
> @ Greenpearl.... your advise definalty gave me something to think and work on, and i will def try to do this..so thank you.
> 
> @vthomeschoolmom.... i think it would have been better if he had of told a male friend but he chose to go to my single friend ( who he has said once by accident in an argument he wishes i could be like, if he could put my loooks onto her nature and understanding that would be his "perfect woman" so he chose to go to her behind my back, knowing full well we are very good friends. so this as humiliatig for me...


Yes I can well imagine how that must have felt. 



> I do understand where you are comig from with your being supportive comment and he has said for me to get help but to be honest it is terrifying and i just want him to be RIGHT there with me without me having to ask!!!


How do I put this and be both caring and honest. You can't have that. That is not possible. He can't read your mind. No one can. 


> As for the 2nd option this hit home hard and brought a tear as i have told him before this is who i am and for him to find better if he is not happy...i am sorry i have to disagree that *i have no bussiness being married.... * are you saying that anyone who has been hurt badly and still carries scars and has a few issues no matter how big or small should not be married??? i


No. I think that anyone who is broken who is not ready to work to get fixed has no business being married. Marriage is hard work under the best of circumstances. It requires maturity. Insecurity is the stellar opposite of maturity. 



> think this is wrong and unfair....


Aint is though? Life is unfair. 


> sorry just my opinion, the reason i cannot manage "basic human trust"has something to do with the fact that everyone i let close to me hurts me this has been happening since the day i was born!!!!! and i dont know if you know anyone that has been adopted,raped, hit or cheated on or even all of the above but i think any one of those degrades any womans self worth and trust.


Not everyone who has been adopted has been hurt. My husband was adopted. You said you were adopted into a caring home... But that is neither here nor there. You have circumstance that leads you not to trust. No blame or fault to you. Trust is a *very necessary component of a marriage*. As you yourself state, your lack of it is ruining your marriage.

I know it is scary to seek help. Been there. But you have a choice before you. Relationships of ANY kind, even plain old friendship, require trust. If you cannot do that, you doom yourself to either dysfunctional or no relationships. What kind of life is that?


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Princess,

You said you wanted honest advice - and now you choose to argue with it.

I am deeply sorry you got raped.

I know several people who had that happen to them. Yet, your response to the rape was yours and you must learn to own it.

If you wish, you can continue to gain sympathy from nearly anyone you talk to, but that will not fix anything. It will merely excuse the latest situation you create for yourself.

I know this is harsh. It's also true.


----------



## Amberwaves (Nov 26, 2010)

I am sorry for all your pain in your life pinkprincess and I can empathize with what you are going through. I've been with men who have hurt me as well, although different situations and so I totally hear and understand you. I also know what it's like to be called 'crazy' and not feel supported.
I haven't any advice, just empathy and I think we just have to hold on and remember that the good man in our life really does love us and has to be a strong man for us. I have told the good man I am with that he has to bear with me if he loves me and be supportive and it takes time to heal.


----------



## pinkprincess (Jun 10, 2008)

ye i agree i wanted honest advise and i am very appriciative for it, yes some of it is hard to hear, but i also think some of it, is not...well i dont actually have the right words for it... i guess i am just ever so grateful that my husband loves me and is willing to help me thru it...

Today i attended my first counilling meeting EVER and learnt a lot in the first hour, this is going to be an ongoing thing for some time as there is so much hurt to work thru..

@Conrad....i would not say that i am "ärging with it" i just dont think that the opionion is nessacerily correct. I think that if you have not experienced being held down and some man who you dont know or want on top of you and taking your viginity is something that each and everyone it happens to deals with in a new way... and owning the responce it is not something i will ever do as i didnt ask for this to happen to me at the age i was or ever...and i was definalty not equipped to deal with it in the "correct way"
I am also wondering are you a male? 

@vthomeschoolmum...thanks...  i just today started my councilling and we covered my adoption, rape, abusive x bf and the way i now dont trust ( all very brief) but my therapist made some very valid points and i have agreed to go back once a week untill ........it will be hard to face everything but i know i will get there and it has to be done... Thanks for your advise, i had almost lost faith in this site after a few comments were made from people that were speculating what a natural reaction should be to any given event that they have not actually experienced first hand.
It was definaty that 2nd option( thta you wrote previously) amongst othe things that gave me that push in the right direction


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

pinkprincess said:


> Today i attended my first counilling meeting EVER and learnt a lot in the first hour, this is going to be an ongoing thing for some time as there is so much hurt to work thru..


F8ckin' YAH! I hope you came home and looked in the mirror and said Would you just LOOK at that courageous woman taking that difficult first step!!




> @vthomeschoolmum...thanks...  i just today started my councilling and we covered my adoption, rape, abusive x bf and the way i now dont trust ( all very brief) but my therapist made some very valid points and i have agreed to go back once a week untill ........it will be hard to face everything but i know i will get there and it has to be done...


Yes it will be hard. I hope you get all the support and encouragement you need.



> Thanks for your advise, i had almost lost faith in this site after a few comments were made from people that were speculating what a natural reaction should be to any given event that they have not actually experienced first hand.
> It was definaty that 2nd option( thta you wrote previously) amongst othe things that gave me that push in the right direction


Well if I helped, I am glad. I wish you the best.


----------



## independentgirl (Nov 14, 2014)

Bump this thread, don't know if the replies are helpful for me, but found it as I was searching "insecurity"
still reading the replies...


----------

