# Now I'm the veteran??



## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Last night I was just trying to catch up on posts on facebook. (which is the true devil) and I got a IM asking how I was doing.

The IM was from a husband of one of the ladies my ex hangs out with. His wife recently cheated on him and he found out. His wife moved out of his house and into my old martial home with my ex and two teenage daughters. (I knew she moved into my ex's house but not the reason).

I think he needs some support so he is coming over tonight to talk. I'll try and give him some support but honestly I need to try and keep the conversation about him and his wife's issues and not drag my past into any of this. Man what a crappy night I have coming up.

I guess my main concern is now there are two women in my marital home with my teenage daughters that are poor examples in relationships. I think I need to talk with my girls to try and say that leaving a marriage after 18 years or having an affair are poor examples of healthy relationships.

On the other hand I have done a great job in staying away from what has been going on at my old house. I kept tabs from afar to make sure my kids were safe and I still talk with some of the friends we had as a couple. Theygave me comfort that everything was fine.

I have no intention of getting swept back into the old circle of friends issues after I done so well disengage from it. I'll do my best to listen to my friend attempting to not allow the conversation to go into my past.

Any advice/suggestions/thoughts?
Thanks

Shoeguy


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

read the newbie link in my signature so you can educate yourself in things to help him. Especially stuff like how the WS will rewrite marital history and blameshifting. he needs to know it isnt his fault and what measures he can take to destroy the affair, what to do about exposure, and protecting himself


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Thanks this helps. I think I will direct him to this website as well. I think this website is a great place to discuss feeling/issues and I'm always thankful I found it.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

So smart of you for realizing up front that you'll want to not seize the opportunity to bring your own stuff up into the discussion -- too easy to get caught (back) up into it. That all strikes a bit too close to home! good luck to you


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Thanks 2X.

I'm going to try my best to keep the two situations seperate. They really are two individual events even if both the women roost in the same home now. Which yes! my name is still on the deed due to the economy.

The guys wife has been in my marital home for about two months now. I never knew why until last night. I only knew from my ex that she was having marital problems and needed a place to stay. It kind of burns me that now I find out it is becasue she cheated on her husband. I'm going to assume that my kids do not the story and I'm not going to be the one that spills the beans.

I'm also going to take what he tells me with a grain of salt. I know he is hurting and his side of the story is probably skewed some. Heck I don't even know for sure she cheated. Not that I don't trust him to tell me the truth but since he is very hurt right now he may not have all the facts straight or proof. At the fragile time he is in right now you don't need much more than a rumor to talk yourself into believe anything.

The saying "tread lightly shoeguy, it is a very slippery slope you approach" rings in my head currently.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Please tell us you aren't paying the bills to house these women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Nope. If that were the case I'd throw them both out and me and the kids would live in the mansion on the corner.

The deal was she got to remain in the house and has up to two years to refinance. Clock is ticking but to be honest I won't do anything becasue of the kids as long as she stays current on the mortgage. The girls are 13 & 16 and I would like them to enjoy their high school years without haveing to deal with relocating.

After they both graduate I probably will not be as understanding of the ex's problems as I am right now. Only time will tell.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Just being there to listen will help the dude enormously, as you already know. And any guidance on how to walk through the minefield he is in will be more invaluable to him. You're doing him a great service, and he's smart enough to have asked...good luck.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Did he show you any proof of her cheating or just a word of mouth?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You know she is going to not like you talking to the guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Keko,

He just told me that last night and I didn't question anything just took it all in. 

I will ask a few questions tonight but I'm going to try and be a sounding board for him to get things off his chest tonight. I know just talking about it helps.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

shaggy,

i'm aware of that and really I'm just hoping I don't get to sucked into this whole thing. But I feel I need to help him some since he is a friend and he reached out to me. 

I've already taken my lumps from a woman I loved so having another woman who is her friend not like me is not an issue at this point.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'd say be there for him, and be a good friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I agree Shoe, be a friend and hey, I don't know that sharing your story is such a bad idea. I found it tremendously helpful that people here did, and gave me a sense of understanding that was beyond the usual superficial help from people not going through or haven't gone through it. Don't worry yourself about it.. Tell him to vent here for sure, it makes me feel better.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

I think you are doing a great thing Shoeguy, I'd pay good money to have someone to talk about these things with face-to-face (oh right I do!).

Maybe he can go to IC also? Tell him to start posting here for sure!

As far as your daughters, whatever you can do to instill in them one vital quality will go far: HONOR. 

This means growing a figurative pair when your needs aren't being met in a relationship, and actually ending it instead of cheating.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Thanks for the comments. I had the talk with him last night and I think we both got something out of it once it was over. He got to open up and talk some of his feelings through and I got to reflect on some tough questions he asked me.

I am by no means a head doctor. I'm just a friend who has gone through some of the same feelings he has and someone he can talk too.

The conversation was about 2 1/2 hours. Going into the conversation I wanted to be able to give him three ideas/things that I thought would help him. I had some idea of what I would say but let the conversation work it in. Those three things came to be 

1) He needed to work on himself and the feelings he has. He is the most important thing in this whole ugly situation. I directed him to this website and Divorcecare which I attended and helped me.
2) Communicate with the kids (18 & 16) but there are some things that you keep between yourself and your wife. Your kids should be able to respect that at their ages.
3) You will heal over time. Everything seems in turmoil right now, your personal feelings, the family issues, your relationship with your wife, your friends, expenses, you name it but they work themselves out.

I was very open and honest with him. His situation is different than mine was but I was here whenever he wanted to talk. I told him I wasn't interested in getting mixed up with my ex on taking sides but he is a friends that needed someone and I'd be that person if he needed.

After it was over I was glad I didn't avoid him. I could have easily told him I didn't want to get involved becasue of how close my ex and kids are to the situation with his wife living in my old house. I was proud of myself after it was over. I opened up myself and my home to help someone out that just needs a friend.

Take care,

Shoeguy


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