# Opinions on what the purpose of separation is?



## Xenon (Jul 20, 2011)

My wife suggested we separate for a short time, like a few days or a week. I'm going to refrain from getting into the details of why in order to keep the thread focused on an issue, not just about me, and perhaps more useful to others. (Note: It is not related to any kind of physical abuse or something that would warrant keeping apart for the safety of one or the other...)

*What do you think the potential benefits or detriments are? *
_(You may choose to use the marriage as a point of reference, or the the individual, so what is beneficial for one person may be a detriment to their union...)_

Thanks!


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## Xenon (Jul 20, 2011)

To get started, my first impressions after a few days apart have been extremely detrimental. Thus, I'm asking strangers what this is supposed to be for. 

We've been on business trips before where we were apart for many days to a week, and it wasn't that big of a deal. 

This feels to me like a sign that she's pretty sure she wants to leave me but needs to test the water first.

It also seems like possibly just a cruel punishment to whip me back into line. If that was actually the case - it has the exact opposite effect on me - it says, "you should probably forget about this line, as it doesn't want you around".


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

Do you think she may be seeing someone else. Many spouses in the middle of an affair ask for separation for private time with their "new love". If this is the case, then separation is probably not going to help out.

Also, do you have kids, how long have you been married would be helpful to know.


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## Xenon (Jul 20, 2011)

No, and No. 5 years (lived together a few more before also)



DennisNLA said:


> If this is the case, then separation is probably not going to help out.


This is hard to laugh about, but I like that optimistic "probably" in there. Cute.


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## mcmel (Jul 20, 2011)

My husband and I take a week's vacation away from one another every year... It's not exactly a separation, but it serves the same purpose, I think. 

When two people are aorund each other every day, it's hard to see small changes. Think of being around kids - you watch your kids grow daily and a year seems like change, but it's not a shock. When you see someone else's kid after a year, it's "OMG!!! LOOK HOW BIG THEY GOT!!!" 

People grow and change. Everyday, of every year they are alive. When 2 people are committed, the growing and chaging usually happens in the same direction, but not always. The problems come when the changes and growth puts degrees of separation between the two of you. 

If there's too big of a void in between, during the separation, you'll be able to see it better. You'll be able to better see where the differences are in your thinking and treatment of the relationship. The important things are how you each feel about them and whether or not you both think they can be bridged again. 

Good luck to you!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

From my perspective people wanting to save their marriage do not separate; people headed for divorce do separate. An attorney once told me there is only one reason people separate. The person moving out is not interested in saving a marriage, but rather finding freedom from that marriage. I know that was true in my situation.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

While it's true that a majority of separations end up in divorces, it DOES serve a purpose.

That is: Separation gives each spouse a chance to be by themselves and REALLY reflect back on what went wrong with the marriage and how they each contributed to the problem.

NO it cannot be done while the two are together because of the tension, anger and the stress that exists. It's almost impossible to calm down and think LOGICALLY in this environment. The end result is more hostility and finger pointing.

Just as it takes two to make a marriage work, it also takes two to break it. If they TRULY want to salvage the marriage, being by themselves gives them a chance to cool down. Do some soul searching, stop the finger pointing and to try and figure out some means (if possible) to find some solutions to the problems.

It also gives the offending spouse (because in most cases, there is one that refuses to see that there's a problem) a wake up call in that if some major changes doesn't happen soon, this may be the end of the marriage.

That wake up call can affect both and sometimes is enough to suggest that this could be a permanent separation, NOT a vacation or a Business meeting. There's the difference!

They get to think good and hard if this is truly what they want!

Separation due to vacations and business meetings don't count because YOU KNOW THAT YOUR SPOUSE WILL BE BACK!


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## AnAvgDude (Jun 20, 2011)

Kauaiguy said:


> While it's true that a majority of separations end up in divorces, it DOES serve a purpose.
> 
> That is: Separation gives each spouse a chance to be by themselves and REALLY reflect back on what went wrong with the marriage and how they each contributed to the problem.
> 
> ...



WOW, great assessment.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

We're going through a little separation right now too.... To me it's the complete opposite thing to do when things go south. 
My H is very apologetic for being away for awhile, but says it's for the best.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

The problem is: If someone wants to be away from you, forcing them to confront you and the existing problems only makes them want to get away even further.

It's equivalent to NAGGING, and we all know that constant nagging really gets on the nerves and more often than not ... causes a NEGATIVE reaction.

So when you push someone beyond their capability to remain calm ... Be ready for some unpleasant explosion! The likes that you don't want to see or hear.

So ... isn't it better to leave them alone where they will have a chance to calm down and assess the situation?

Wouldn't it be nice if we can all sit down and have a civilized discussion of our problems and come up with a solution? Not likely to happen after all the pent up anger and frustrations that has been building up inside. Too much usually has happened to just be able to sit down and discuss things calmly and logically.

The need to get away is one of the first things that comes to mind. The hope is that the damaged that's been done is not irreparable. ... and the separation becomes permanent.


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

I've had issues with our marriage for years (see my apathetic husband post). I recently spent 2 weeks away from home while I was house and dog-sitting for my sister. This had been planned a good year in advance. It wasn't a "separation" per se, but it did allow me to have 2 weeks to myself, away from the daily grind and stress of what our home has turned into. 

Even though I didn't leave because of wanting time apart from my spouse, it was house-sitting time for a relative, I have to say that mentally it REALLY helped me to get a perspective on '
and how dysfunctional our marriage has become. Being able to step away from everything and have breathing space to myself for 2 weeks was incredible, and I have to honestly say I didn't want to come back home. I missed my kids (who were gone at camp part of that time), missed my pets, house, and friends, I can honestly say that I did NOT miss my husband. I wouldn't have known how that felt if I hadn't stepped away for those 2 weeks.

As for how my husband felt while I was gone, I have no idea because he cannot communicate beyond "Please pass the salt."


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband and I are taking some time apart. He has issues, I have issues, those issues collided. 

He left a month ago and he was done.

I assessed my issues and am in therapy and already am feeling a transformation for the better. I am very much at peace most of the time...my underlying anger is no longer there.

He has been asserting his dominance and power and it's good for him. I have let my ego go and it's made a big change for us.

Like I said, 4 weeks ago he was done.

This weekend he was here for 5 days. We had a great time and he noticed my changes. He even opened up some about his issues. He even came over last night unplanned.

He no longer says he's done. He now says it will take time. He can't come home yet. The word "yet" is music to my ears.

The more you try to control things, the worse they become. Tell your wife you love her, you'd rather her not go but you can't control it and let her go. Then have patience and see what happens.

At least that is what I'm doing. So far, I am becoming a better person (I actually like myself) and he is responding and coming around more.

He has not said divorce, in fact he said this isn't heading there (the day he left he told me that).


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

My wife has talked about a separation. Meaning, *I* should be the one to leave. We've been having some serious communication problems and we both have our issues we're working on . She seems to think that if we're separated, we'd communicate better. I see a separation at this time as a spiralling down of our relationship.

She was away 1.5 weeks ago for one week. A planned seminar where she had plenty to do and I was home alone (kids went to in-laws). This was fine with me, it was planned and a good time away from each other. 

But for her to ask me to leave, I told her that was NOT going to happen. I suggested that she leave if it's such a good idea. She said no.

I really wonder for her if it's a test of the divorce waters. She's brough up D a lot more than I have (zero times for me - I'm not seeing it as an option - we have too much good stuff going on).

I'm quite certain she's not seeing someone else, but if it came to a separation, I wonder if I'd be inclined to look around.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Kauaiguy said:


> Wouldn't it be nice if we can all sit down and have a civilized discussion of our problems and come up with a solution? Not likely to happen after all the pent up anger and frustrations that has been building up inside. Too much usually has happened to just be able to sit down and discuss things calmly and logically.


I agree with this in theory. But I also think that some of the most productive conversations my wife and I have take a long, long time, and often not very much is actually said. . . . what little is said, however, has been carefully thought through.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm baffled by the s/he has brought up divorce several times issue..


And then what? If you're not on board with that then why does s/he keep bringing it up and not moving on it? What's the point of that, what do you think they're really after? Quite honestly if my wife ever confronted me with that suggestion I would jump at it. Or, I would say no, it's not on the table don't bring it up again - either do it yourself or leave it alone. 

I'm really puzzled by that kind of dialog.


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