# Please help me understand, Im desperate



## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

This is my first post here so please bear with me ... 

My husband and I have been married for 18 months. My husband is 42 and retired Air Force, he works for the government now. He has 2 kids from previous marriage of 19 yrs, kids are 19 and 21 and live in another state. I am 37, I have a daughter from a previous marriage, she is 12. 

First year of our marriage was amazing. August "10 is when I started feeling him "pull away". He said it was stress, work,his kids had been having alot of problems and his ex wife was constantly calling and texting.

In October my husband came to me and said he was unhappy. He said that he was stressed, felt pressure and didnt want to be a step father to my daughter. He also stated that she was driving him crazy etc. We have very different parenting, he is extrememly firm, I am more passive. This has created alot of behaviors in my daughter and I have a behavior analyst to help.

My husband also stated that he had been talking to a female co worker about our problems. Just talking and it had only been a couple times. A week later I found out that he had been texting this woman ALOT. He would text her when he left for work, when he was out by himself, when we were out together, late at night etc. I confronted him and her, she said that she wasnt the problem but they had been innocently flirting back and forth. My husband never went into any details of the texts.All communication besides working togther has come to an end. Thats what he tells me.

We start marriage counseling . First few weeks everything seems to be going great Then during one session he walks out. We talked after and worked it out, he felt like he was being backed into a corner and didnt want to hear it so he left.

We went back to counseling the next week and it went ok. Our counselor sees alot of love between us. he sees a positive future but there is alot to work out. 

Last week my husband came to me and said he loved me but didnt want to be married, he didnt want a relationship with anyone and just wanted to be alone, he had been drinking. We agreed we would seperate, he would move out to give us some space apart. Two days later he came home, we both missed each other.He was home for one day and we had a major blow out, he told me he didnt want to be married to me, he had been drinking again, liquid courage? We agreed on another seperation, this time for a month, in this time he would work on the issues that he is having. He would go to individual counseling once a week and he is going to start seeing a psychiatrist this coming week. 

So, day 1 of the seperation I had to initiate all the communication, I really felt like he didnt care if he heard from me or not and it hurt. I talked to him twice and we sent a couple texts, we made plans for him to come over later that night for dinner and a movie. 

Still day 1 ... I find out that my husband has been blasting all kinds of crap on twitter, I had just installed twitter on my phone last night, added him as a friends and saw all the tweets. He's saying stuff like "I married a drama woman and now I am planning the big escape", I married a woman 18 months ago, wtf did i do and why? He sent a tweet to some female " you ook so yummy, are you as yummy as you look? another was "your sexy, hot and beautiful, your sarcatic and funny, your the perfect woman". So when he came over last night I calmly confronted him. He got mad saying that he has no privacy, that he cant make a call without me knowing about it etc. Well DUH, after all the deceit and lying why would I trust him? He wanted to leave, I convinced him to stay for awhile,he apologized but didnt know why he posted that crap. He says there is noone, he says that he is not having an affair, he says his goal is to be with me he just needs this time to figure it all out. He states he is in constant turmoil because he does love me, he does want to be with me, he knows we could have a good life but the issues hes having weigh heavily. I need help. I dont know wether this is worth saving. I feel betrayed, lost and hurt and I love him. I wish I didnt. I want so bad to work this out but I dont know what i should/shouldnt do. I dont know what would push him away, he says he understands but in the next sentence says that he feels "pressure" from me because I want to communicate and see him. Someone help, I am desperate and not thinking straight.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

The more I read on this site, the more I can't believe how others can hurt people they say they love. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I'm going through a separation/sdivorce and it's horrible - the anger, depression, anxiety, all of it. But, what I'm seeing is that there has to be something better than a bad marriage. I don't know if it's time yet for you to make a drastic decision, but at the same time, you want your daughter to see a strong mom who will not allow herself to be treated with disrespect from anyone. Even if he's not yet having an affair, he's setting himself up to be "caught" by somebody else. The texts, the flirting at work, the tweets. At this point, maybe it's best for you to really start thinking about what you want and don't worry so much about what he wants these days. He's confused, angry and disrespectful. Take care of yourself and listen to your own gut/heart. Hang in there.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Stop giving him the time of day and take care of yourself, your daughter...I know it is hard, but as long as you are separated and you are still communicating with him, you are showing your dependence toward him...

be strong and let him have his space, by doing that, you are showing him that you can be okay without him...and showing yourself that you are okay without him too! if it is meant to be, he'll wise up!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

If I remember correctly, in another post you mentioned that you two got married very quickly, like within a couple of weeks of meeting. 

Reading this post, what I see is that you come off as desperate. Not that you necessarily are desperate, but that you are acting that way. You managed just fine on your own before him, do that again. Show him you don't need him, that while he enhances your life, he is not required in it. Take care of yourself and your daughter, and let him worry about himself. 

He's doing stuff that, even if it isn't cheating, it's coming very close to it. And if he's getting that close, I have to think it's only a matter of time before he crosses the line. I understand that you love him and you want to work it out, but I think you also need to begin preparing and living your life without him. 

You have a 12 year old daughter. She's old enough to be discovering boys, which means she will be watching your relationship very closely for clues as to how boys should treat her. Is this how you would want a boy or man to treat her? What would you advise her to do if she were in your shoes? Maybe that will show you what to do. 

Good luck!


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## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

I know I need to get strong. Its very hard and it takes time. I dont think I'm acting desperate, Im hurt. My daughter sees me as a strong independant woman. I have my own money, I own my cars outright, I own my home (no mortgage) and I am in the process of buying another home. I work hard, I am self sufficient and I dont need to be "taken care of". These are the qualities my daughter sees. 

I love my husband, he is seeking therapy with a psychiatrist and a psychologist. He needs help, he realizes that and he is doing it. 

I am looking for strength from others who have been in similiar situations. Im looking to hear from people who have been through this, what helped them etc? My husband is dealing with Identity crisis, mid life crisis, 20 yrs military then becoming a civilian. He is also dealing with some of the effects from being in the military.

My life will continue with or without him ...I am a fighter. When I stop fighting I will know that I did everything I could. I can walk away knowing that I tried.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

*Re: Please help me understand, I'm desperate*

First I'm not sure why you two would plan a thirty day separation and then plan to get together for a kind of "date night" of a dinner and a movie on day one. In my opinion a separation is a chance to get out of each others faces for a bit and try and get some clarity. On the other hand if he's out there pursuing other women a separation just gives him the freedom to cut loose, not a good thing if he wants to work on the marriage. I wouldn't do a separation with your husband just for that reason, you already know he is expressing interest in other women.

First he needs to be 100% honest with you and right now he is giving you mixed signals, either because he is truly conflicted or isn't strong enough to tell the truth, that's why he uses liquid courage. 

By reading your post I hate to say it but he appears to be finished with the marriage, his own words and his actions prove that. I know you are an emotional wreck right now, but try to sit down and have a candid discussion with him, maybe with a counselor if needed. Many issues can be worked out through communication and if he really wants to stay married he has to play by the rules and show you, his wife, the respect you deserve, and that means no playing games with other women. But if he is truly finished, there's not much you can do about it. Don't waste all your time and energy trying to fix something that he will keep breaking.

As others have said, focus on yourself and your daughter, be a strong woman and respect yourself, both you and your daughter will be healthier that way.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He clearly has "issues" and you do not yet know what he may see as your "issues." Getting married quickly is never a good sign; it means you each married someone you didn't know at all. It also suggests impulse issues and lack of self-control, so maybe you can explore why you agreed to marry so quickly, on your own, as you focus on yourself and your daughter. Your daughter may see you as strong and independent in MOST ways, but your behavior in marrying so quickly sends a diferent message in that area of your life. Think about that while you are separated. 

Good luck; you have a lot going for you and, either way, you and your daughter will end up fine.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

kgregory1011 said:


> I know I need to get strong. Its very hard and it takes time. I dont think I'm acting desperate, Im hurt. My daughter sees me as a strong independant woman. I have my own money, I own my cars outright, I own my home (no mortgage) and I am in the process of buying another home. I work hard, I am self sufficient and I dont need to be "taken care of". These are the qualities my daughter sees.
> 
> I love my husband, he is seeking therapy with a psychiatrist and a psychologist. He needs help, he realizes that and he is doing it.
> 
> ...



I understand what you are saying. My point was not that you are not able to take care of yourself. My point was that the way this looks, from my limited perspective based solely on what you said here, is that he is doing things that either are cheating or could lead to it, and you are essentially chasing after him, or at least sitting there waiting for him to come back to you. To me, that's not what I'd want my child to see and think is acceptable.

Also, something else you might need to consider is that even though you love each other, maybe you're just not compatible enough to make it work. It sucks to have to admit that, but if that's the case, it might be better to admit that and move on rather than try so hard to force it to work that you end up walking away hating each other. 

Are you two still going to marriage counseling? If not, get that going again. While it's great that he's getting individual counseling for himself, you two still need to communicate and discuss the problems that are in your marriage, whether they stem from his issues or other stuff. Getting himself fixed is great, but it won't automatically fix everything else.


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## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

Weve been in marriage counseling, it was agreed that he would have several individual sessions and the I would be brought back. He's also going to his first psychiatry appt this Wednesday. 

I dont know how seperations work. We just decided that we would see each other 3-4 hrs a week for a couple hrs and that we would communicate like we normally do. We both know that space right now is good but we dont want to drift apart. I dont know, I have never done this before.

I am trying to stay busy, trying to focus on other things. It is exceptionally hard right now, holidays are upon us, no family etc .. makes for a very lonely holiday season.

I guess it takes time and hurts like hell.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

I don't have any advice for you but I wanted to send you a hug.....!!!!!

I'm in a similar situation with my husband of almost 11 years....

He's been in the Army for 24 years, a civilian since 3 years now, a police officer for 2 years and I think he's hit midlife crisis big time (almost 45).....

Besides the midlife crisis I think he's battling the military past demons as well....only he refuses to do anything about it  ....

It's so hard to deal with this  !!!!

I hope you guys can work it out !!!!!!


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

I'm sorry for your pain.

I know love doesn't end with divorce papers or just fade off into the night but it also does not ask to be berated and trampled upon.

It's my advice that you hire a lawyer tomorrow, end this, and try to have as happy a holiday season as possible under the circumstances.
Weighing the pain he is putting you through against nipping this in the bud and moving on..I would opt for the latter.


::hugs:: ::hugs::

If you need an ear please feel free to PM me


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## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

I'm in a similar situation with my husband of almost 11 years....

He's been in the Army for 24 years, a civilian since 3 years now, a police officer for 2 years and I think he's hit midlife crisis big time (almost 45).....

Besides the midlife crisis I think he's battling the military past demons as well....only he refuses to do anything about it ....

It's so hard to deal with this !!!!



How are you guys working through this?


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## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

I think he has borderline personality disorder. He's going off the deep end. Thank god the psychiatric appt is wednesday.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

kgregory1011 said:


> How are you guys working through this?


Unfortunately it looks as if we're not  ....

It's too much to write in one post, but if you have time and are curious just check out all my posts....

It's like a bad movie  !!!


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## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

I hear ya with the bad movie.. lol

I don't get it. I have done everything for this man, I have bent over backwards etc. He tells me all the time his issues aren't with me, Ive been amazing, the issues are him. 

It's tough not knowing where you stand and being in a constant state of limbo, I hate it.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

kgregory1011 said:


> I hear ya with the bad movie.. lol
> 
> I don't get it. I have done everything for this man, I have bent over backwards etc. He tells me all the time his issues aren't with me, Ive been amazing, the issues are him.
> 
> It's tough not knowing where you stand and being in a constant state of limbo, I hate it.


I've been with mine for almost 11 years.....he's been gone a lot (to the field, to Iraq for 14 1/2 months) and I stayed by his side always.....

I've never cheated, I've taken care of our children.....

I've spent more than I should have but I never learned to deal with money (never had an allowance etc)......so that is the major problem my husband has with me.....

I've been changing all the issues he has with me since he dropped the divorce bomb, but apparently he's still determined.....

I've begged for at least a separation so he could see the changes I'm making are permanent but he says it's over !!!!!

I've decided I will write him a last letter.....pour my heart out and with the letter I will hand him the paper he's presented me with on Friday (signed)......then the ball will be in his court and he can either hand me the decree to sign or if the letter touched his heart with the little bit of love that's left in it then he'll give us another chance......but I doubt that.....

I'm done fighting for real.....I tried everything and I have no aces up my sleeve anymore......

It kills me !!!!!!


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