# Husband Considering Celibacy



## Frapp (May 17, 2012)

Hi Everyone,

I have been married for many years and have a nice wife and children, two still at home. Over the years, sex has become a bit of a struggle for me. Being the typical man, I wanted sex frequently, but as life progressed forward, my wife's desire slowed down due to the demands of work, family, etc. At this point, my wife is happy having sex 1/2 times per month, and then she is not interested in a prolonged session of intimacy or foreplay. Last month I believe we only had sex one time and although it was good, I could tell something was missing. Also, the thought of porn or other artificial/self means of gratification do not appeal to me any more.

I finally realized that maybe it is not her, but me that has the problem. It is no fun to think that my wife is accommodating me for sex, I am one of those weird guys that actually likes to make sure she is pleased before I am. When we are together, I feel as though there is an agenda of what I should do and time always seems a factor.

I have done a lot of soul searching (praying) over the last few months and feel that I should become celibate for a period of time. I don`t know for how long or if it should be permanent. 

Also, please do not take this as an attempt to punish or chastise my wife because sex is definitely not a priority for her at this point. I really think if I become celibate, it will be one less thing to worry about in our marriage.

I would like some wives here to offer their opinions


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Starvation is a strange prescription to cure hunger. You're almost celibate now. Basically, you're giving up and letting her "win"? You know the marriage will never be as good without sex as it could be with, so by adopting this celibacy plan, you become a co-conspirator with your wife to the negligent homicide of your marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Discuss this with your wife and see what she says. What matters to other people has no bearing on your own marriage.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

In clinical terminology you're already "celibate" no need to change anything to meet your goal really.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

What your talking about is a sexual moratorium.

Do a 30,60 or 90 day. It will clear your head and refocus a lot of the energy you are wasting.

No sex, no masurbation, and put that extra energy into something positive like working out.

Don't deprive your wife of love and affection, just make your affection unconditional and not outcome based.

Use the time to break the pattern you and your wife have fallen into.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Frapp said:


> I finally realized that maybe it is not her, but me that has the problem. It is no fun to think that my wife is accommodating me for sex, I am one of those weird guys that actually likes to make sure she is pleased before I am. When we are together, I feel as though there is an agenda of what I should do and time always seems a factor.


That feeling and observed behavior from your wife is common with HD/LD couples.

You could try and go celibate if you wish. I have tried it with my wife, though more from a perspective of seeing if she'd gain interest in me sexually (she never did after 6 months).

I think a better approach would be to improve your sex lives. Since you mentioned prayer... not sure if you are Christian but if you are (or don't mind a book written by a Christian Doctor), try 

Amazon.com: Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage (9782913356559): Kevin Leman: Books

This book is helping my wife understand the place of sex within a marriage, as well as having given me a number of little tips and ways of looking at things.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

You might find it helpful to define the goal of the moratorium. I went through one too many monthly pity sex sessions and chose a six month hiatus as a way to shake things up. I learned that I can live without sex and my wife can no longer withhold it from me for her purposes. The six months stretched to eight (as it was always my initiative and I no longer cared) and at some point my wife realized this is no way to live. We now both agree that a marriage without intimacy is headed for the rocks. We are intimate far more often than in the past, even if we never get past vanilla. If I initiate and she rejects its no big deal and I refuse to beg for her love. I have taken up some other things and stay busy with yoga, volleyball, Friday Happy Hours, and am certainly not waiting around looking for my next "opening". Sometimes you have to break it down to build it back up I guess.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Well it certainly would be one less thing to worry about. See it basically comes down to the difference between lack of desire and the lack of any interest into the lack of desire. Some people aren't interested in sex and wonder why whereas other people aren't and are either indifferent or happy about it. If your mate is indifferent or happy about it then your goose is cooked.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Why not? You can live without sex. Rocks and drywall exist and don't have sex. Maybe you can be happy in the next life.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Not a "wife" but when you said "it will be one less thing to worry about in our marriage" it really struck a cord in me.

If you're celebate, you really don't have a marriage anymore do you?

Your self-esteem has obviously taken a hit from all the rejection you've probably received from your wife. I know what it's like. Been there and have the fridge magnet to prove it

You two need counseling. She probably has no idea you feel this way and that men connect emotionallyto their spouse through sex and that woman typically need to feel emotionally connected to their husbands BEFORE they'll want to have sex. Just another one of God's cruel jokes!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I confess I've been tempted to just forget the whole business about sex. In some ways it would make life a lot easier if I just didn't have a sex drive at all. On the other hand, I don't really want to change my address to Zombieland and become just another sexless, emotionless drone, existing only to work, praying that Death would hurry up and take me out. Like it or not, sex plays a big part in who I am. Without it, who the hell am I? Why do I work? Why do I get up in the morning? Why plan for a vacation? Why celebrate anniversaries? If life is just going to a series of waking up, feeling unloved all day and then going back to bed. What'd be the point?


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Agreed unbelievable. There was a time when I was sure I would not blow up our little charade of a marriage over a frigid wife. I now KNOW for a fact that this is all the reason I will need. The abstinence and emotional distance that comes with it was instructive, as has been the re-connection. When the nest goes from three to two, we are at the crossroads.

We were out of town over the weekend and my wife took my hand at dinner and said, "you were right, it all feels better with us this way". No kidding? Being a real couple is better than a pretend one we project to friends and family? Not only do I realize it but my wife does as well. I bet we will make it and if we do, this was the turning point. If we don't, I have done everything possible to try.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I suppose. Still, it seems about as logical as a concentration camp inmate starving themselves in order to teach Hitler a lesson about compassion.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Cre8ify,

I'd call BS on your wife!

Now that it's just the two of you she wants to make it work? is that it or is she just afraid that since the kid is gone now, you don't have anything to hold you to her and she's afraid the all expense paid for trip is about to end?


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Frapp - you are not in any way in a unique situation. You need to understand what you are missing and why. The intimacy that sexual activity creates is a necessary element of marriage and, more generally, happiness. We in your position are exactly like you - we do not want pity sex or chore sex, we want to be desired and to have a mutual attraction. If sex is important to you, read more - sex starved marriage(Amazon.com: The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido (9780743227322): Michele Weiner-Davis: Books), his needs her needs . . . Etc.

Do not let the rejection kill your future. I know how painful it is and how overall distracting, how demeaning it is. Don't let it change who you are.

Also, emptying your prostate frequently is supposedly good for your health.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Toffer said:


> Cre8ify,
> 
> I'd call BS on your wife!
> 
> Now that it's just the two of you she wants to make it work? is that it or is she just afraid that since the kid is gone now, you don't have anything to hold you to her and she's afraid the all expense paid for trip is about to end?


Now that the kids are gone, my leverage against you is also gone. I'd better toss you a crumb or risk getting the abandonment I've spent so much time earning.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Toffer--That's fair, but not that simple. She was a SAHM who has been re-entering the workforce as a professional and finds it to be a stressful situation. For my part, just because she is working, does not mean I have to deal with an emotional wreck every day and all the carnage it drops on us. In her defense, I went way too long before I drew the line in the sand and the best advice I could give to the OP is to get on with drawing the line!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I suppose. Still, it seems about as logical as a concentration camp inmate starving themselves in order to teach Hitler a lesson about compassion.


That actually was Mahatma Gandhi's suggestion.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

unbelievable--it will be what it will be. What there will not be is blinders going back on and a return to the old way of me pretending I am someone I am not.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

unbelievable, God I love reading your posts.

You're on a roll in this thread. Men are their own worst enemy, and your posts remind us to have some damned repect for ourselves.

I've been reading your posts for a long time, and you're a much too rare voice for many men today. I hope you always find some time to post, bud.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

It is a very personal decision and basically comes down to your own sex drive. If you can truly live and be happy without sex then go for it. If not divorce.

I made the decision years ago to "end" sex. I also couldn't stand the idea of sex just to make me happy unless it could be given with at least some kind of joy on her part. I also hated the uncertainty of sex and wanted some closure and ability to move on.

I decided that I would no longer initiate and would refuse any sexual advances from my wife until she was concerned enough about it to have an actual conversation. As expected those advances were rare( one every two years or so) and there was no conversation about it until recently. 

The clarity of having sex no longer an issue was liberating and did help me regain some sense of self worth. But it is not easy and not for everyone so I can't say I would recommend it. The only reason I have stayed is for my son. In my view anyone in their 20s or early 30s would be foolish to make the same decision.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Cre8ify said:


> Toffer--That's fair, but not that simple. She was a SAHM who has been re-entering the workforce as a professional and finds it to be a stressful situation. For my part, just because she is working, does not mean I have to deal with an emotional wreck every day and all the carnage it drops on us. In her defense, I went way too long before I drew the line in the sand and the best advice I could give to the OP is to get on with drawing the line!


Cre8ify,

I hear ya! I also let it slide too long in my marriage but when it comes to sex, my frequency is much better than where you're at (sorry, not trying to make you feel bad or brag) but not where I'd like it to be at (for craps sake, I'm only looking for like twice a week!)

My kids are all older now (13, 18, 20) so they are less needy and the oldest is away at school 9 months out of the year!


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Not to brag Toffer, but I got three weeks in a row at 3X! Uber period here now though, like ten days last time. She's/I'm out of commission entirely so it Chutes and Ladders time and some serious backsliding. We won't be such a happy couple by this time next week.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This will make things worse. 

You need to read a book "Married man sex life" by Athol Kay






Frapp said:


> Hi Everyone,
> 
> I have been married for many years and have a nice wife and children, two still at home. Over the years, sex has become a bit of a struggle for me. Being the typical man, I wanted sex frequently, but as life progressed forward, my wife's desire slowed down due to the demands of work, family, etc. At this point, my wife is happy having sex 1/2 times per month, and then she is not interested in a prolonged session of intimacy or foreplay. Last month I believe we only had sex one time and although it was good, I could tell something was missing. Also, the thought of porn or other artificial/self means of gratification do not appeal to me any more.
> 
> ...


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Cre8ify said:


> Not to brag Toffer, but I got three weeks in a row at 3X! Uber period here now though, like ten days last time. She's/I'm out of commission entirely so it Chutes and Ladders time and some serious backsliding. We won't be such a happy couple by this time next week.


Good for you!

Think I've had threefors only two or three times this year!


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