# Contemplating Divorce with My Husband of 2.5 Years



## wooferwiner (Jan 2, 2021)

I am contemplating divorce with my husband. We have been married for 2.5 years. We didn’t have a “honeymoon” period because we were, and still is, quite busy with our personal careers and goals. We didn’t even go on a honeymoon. My husband went straight back to work the day after our wedding. So clearly, since we’ve been married, and even before, we’ve been very busy with our personal goals in life.

It’s my fault that I am thinking of divorce because I don’t think I love my husband any more. It’s been like this for a while. A year ago, we tried marriage counseling. My husband insisted on a counselor based on Christianity. So I tried very hard to find someone that met my husband’s criterion. We went for three sessions. My husband was not happy with the therapist. While considering to look for a new therapist, the pandemic happened.

Since then, nothing has really improved. We are not intimate. The thought of my husband touching me disgusts me. We had sex three times in 2020. That’s probably not normal for a couple in their early thirties and have only been married for 2.5 years.

In the past couple months, I’ve come to realize that we don’t do anything together. We are physically in the same space, but we don’t share experiences. While he may be playing video games or watching a movie, I am on my laptop, watching a different show. Very rarely, we do a weekend activity together but it’s definitely centered around our dog. And I am noticing that we talk through our dog. We only talk about her (other than What do you want for dinner? Do we need any groceries?), if we are engaged in a conversation. It sounds even ridiculous to me that we are so centered around our dog but it is like having a child. My therapist pointed out that it’s like married couples staying together because of their child but it’s our dog.

I’ve contemplated our divorce. I looked up apartments to live by myself (and our dog). Since we have been pretty independent financially, I don’t foresee any financial issues when we separate.

However, I know it’s my fault. I don’t know how my husband feels about me. I don’t know if he has also fallen out of love with me. But I fantasize about not being married any more. Feeling loved again. Feeling passionate about someone. Wanting to be with someone. Wanting to spend time with someone. None of that is there with my husband any more. I told him that it makes me happy when he plays video games. I feel that way because then he is just in one place and he is doing his own thing. It makes be nervous and anxious when he walks around. His existence annoys me. He did say mean things to me. We got in arguments. We’ve had conflicts. But I don’t blame him for my lack of love towards him. I think it’s me. Even when I was getting married, the wedding felt like a task, not a happy occasion that will be memorable for the rest of my life. I haven’t even watched our wedding video and barely looked through the photos because it’s not a happy memory for me.

Despite my feelings, I think it’s my duty to try my best to stay in the marriage because it’s a choice I made and I should be responsible for it. But the more I think about divorce, the more I lean towards somehow leaving my husband.

I don’t know how to control my feelings. Is there any hope that I’ll be able to love my husband again like 5-6 years ago? Or is it a wiser choice to talk about divorce?


----------



## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Sounds like things are very bad. 
If it is this bad so early into the marriage, I’d suggest that you do move forward with divorce. 

But if you want to give it one more chance, I would suggest that you two see a traditional marriage counselor, not limit your search to Christian counselors. Seems like you need to work on communication between the two of you.

Good luck, stay strong, and do what is best for you. There is no shame in saying that you made a mistake and that you need to move on. 

Good luck


----------



## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

You two obviously need to work on your issues, if they aren’t already too big to recover from. 

And although you have a dead bedroom, the worst thing you can do is get pregnant in the hope that the child will be the spark that brings back all of the magic and the start of the perfect marriage. 

How long did you date before your married?

Are you two the only partners the other has had?

Looking back, Was there a trigger or event that started the detachment between you two?

Is it possible that there might be another woman? Possibly someone at his work?

Do you have a close friend or family member you can talk to about this? Someone that know you both well? If so, talk to them ASAP.

Good luck


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

When you wish he would just perhaps die or disappear, you know it is time to leave now. Don't wait several years to take action. Sounds like this is more than just lack of romance. So sorry.


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

This sort of post is why I am so against marriage. Well one of the reasons anyway. Nothing against the Op, but this happens so often, in addition to the other more justifiable reasons for ending a marriage (abuse, drugs, infidelity, sex and gambling addiction, poor financial responsibility, etc).

In this case there's none of those other things. Just two people who meet, fall in love, probably have a huge glamorous celebration after exchanging what are usually meaningless supposedly life-long vows, and a short 2.5 yrs later it becomes "I'm not feeling it, my next stop is a divorce lawyer".

I mean why even bother anymore? Why is marriage even a thing?


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Did you want advice? You are contemplating divorce, but you feel a duty to be responsible for the decision you made. 
OK here is some pithy advice. 
Don't stay married to a person you don't love for. Marriage is a relationship of trust. It is made for two people who want to be together. 
Second bit of advice, decide together how and when and who gets the dog. Don't make all of those decisions in advance for both of you.
Another bit of advice. Don't get married until you figure out what went wrong here.

You asked


wooferwiner said:


> Is there any hope that I’ll be able to love my husband again like 5-6 years ago?


Not unless something changes inside you. I don't honestly think you can love anyone as things stand today. But I only have one post to go by. I could be completely off here.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Trident said:


> This sort of post is why I am so against marriage. Well one of the reasons anyway. Nothing against the Op, but this happens so often, in addition to the other more justifiable reasons for ending a marriage (abuse, drugs, infidelity, sex and gambling addiction, poor financial responsibility, etc).
> 
> In this case there's none of those other things. Just two people who meet, fall in love, probably have a huge glamorous celebration after exchanging what are usually meaningless supposedly life-long vows, and a short 2.5 yrs later it becomes "I'm not feeling it, my next stop is a divorce lawyer".
> 
> I mean why even bother anymore? Why is marriage even a thing?


Because for a majority its very important. Just because some give up very easily doesnt make marriage wrong.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

wooferwiner said:


> I am contemplating divorce with my husband. We have been married for 2.5 years. We didn’t have a “honeymoon” period because we were, and still is, quite busy with our personal careers and goals. We didn’t even go on a honeymoon. My husband went straight back to work the day after our wedding. So clearly, since we’ve been married, and even before, we’ve been very busy with our personal goals in life.
> 
> It’s my fault that I am thinking of divorce because I don’t think I love my husband any more. It’s been like this for a while. A year ago, we tried marriage counseling. My husband insisted on a counselor based on Christianity. So I tried very hard to find someone that met my husband’s criterion. We went for three sessions. My husband was not happy with the therapist. While considering to look for a new therapist, the pandemic happened.
> 
> ...


If you stopped loving him several years ago then why did you even bother getting married so recently?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Once I read your post saying the thought of your H touching you disgusts you, and you had sex only three times in 2020 that was really the answer.

There are a lot of details missing, in fact all details are missing that would add context for any person to answer your question of do you think your love for him can return. 

His weight, his health, his cleanliness, is he physically abusive, what has caused the arguments you mention?

Conversely, same questions for you?

It may be you just would rather be single, and that's ok too. Bail out, no harm no foul, just be honest and quick, and get it done.

Why do you think after just one year the sex dropped off?

Why in the world did you marry him?


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Because for a majority its very important. Just because some give up very easily doesnt make marriage wrong.



Marriage isn't wrong, it's just unrealistic for many. Lifelong vows are nothing more than meaningless promises that are easily broken.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm kind of an impulsive mathematician. When ever I read a story here I look for dates, ages and lengths of time.


wooferwiner said:


> Is there any hope that I’ll be able to love my husband again like 5-6 years ago?





wooferwiner said:


> We have been married for 2.5 years.


This relationship is at least 6 years old the marriage happened at least 3 years into it. If it takes about a year to figure out the divorce / separation. the relationship will be around 7 years old.
That number is the average length of a marriage. 
Average does not mean the most common length. It is if you take the length of every recorded marriage and divide it by the number of marriages that is the average. We can safely assume that about half of the marriages we will meet will be more than 7 years long. For example Diana (15) or me (33). We can also safely assume that about half of the marriages we meet will be like Woofer Winer, and be less than 7 years. 
It is rather misleading to continuously say that "some" give up easily, when the statistical, factual evidence, clearly indicates that a huge majority of marriages "give up easily" in 15 years or less. And that a tiny fraction of marriages are stubborn idiots like me who hang on past the 1/3 century mark.
Whenever I personally feel guilty about contemplating divorce, my guilt is swept away with the knowledge that I out lasted Woofer, Diana, and in fact much more than half of the marriages. Statistically the happy loving years of my marriage were a blazing success. 

Unfortunately I am now in a position to clearly empathize with what Woofer Winer is saying about her marriage.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Trident said:


> Marriage isn't wrong, it's just unrealistic for many. Lifelong vows are nothing more than meaningless promises that are easily broken.


Easily broken for some I agree. I am lucky to know loads of couples in really good very long marriages.


----------

