# 20th Anniversary



## Miguel324 (Nov 11, 2021)

New to this forum, thanks to everyone.
My wife and I just hit 20 years of being married. We also just bought a new house (better neighborhood) and have been moving from our home of 16 years.

I got my wife a few presents, one which she told me a long time ago she wanted (a pellet ice maker) and a couple surprises. All of these were purchased months ago looking forward to this day.

My wife gave me a hairbrush. I needed a new one, but seriously? She said that I didn’t tell her what I wanted so that’s why I get a hairbrush. 21 years together and that’s all she can come up with?

I have real trouble with this whole idea that I should tell her what to get me.

Sex would have made for a nice night, as we’ve only had it once in the past year and a half) but I only want that if she wants to, so I don’t think that should be a gift, more something for us both.

Things haven’t felt great lately, but you go through stages. I don’t need/expect spectacular gifts, but this really seems like she put absolutely no thought into it.

wondering what everyone thinks


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

I think you're being petty.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Was it one of those new Dyson “air” technology brushes? I saw an ad for one yesterday and I kind of immediately wanted one but not sure what I would do with it as my hair is cut extremely short.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

A year and a half of no sex? Did your marriage become sexless after the move? That not only she not want to have sex on the 20th is more concerning than her gift. How is your marriage otherwise? Does she work outside of the home? Are you helping with a fair distribution of the chores? Is there any affection outside of the bedroom? Are you going on date nights? Do you still have kids at home? Have either of you had an affair? A sexless marriage makes me think that she’s being loyal to someone else. The more info you provide, the better the advice you will receive.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Miguel324 said:


> _*Sex would have made for a nice night, as we’ve only had it once in the past year and a half) but I only want that if she wants to, so I don’t think that should be a gift, more something for us both.*_


Yeah, this isn't about a hair brush or her lack of gift-giving skills.

It's about her complete lack of respect for him and her complete disengagement from him, coupled with a likely "interest" somewhere else.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yeah, this isn't about a hair brush or her lack of gift-giving skills.
> 
> It's about her complete lack of respect for him and her complete disengagement from him, coupled with a likely "interest" somewhere else.


we don't really know the background, though, do we?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

A hairbrush? Are you kidding me? Damn, she couldn't even think of a bag of Hershey's Kisses. How lame. For her next gift, give her some new vacuum bags or a deodorant.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Next anniversary, if still together, get her a tooth brush. Can't believe she got you a hair brush. Has she got you nice anniversary gifts in the past?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> A hairbrush? Are you kidding me? Damn, she couldn't even think of a bag of Hershey's Kisses. How lame. For her next gift, give her some new vacuum bags or a deodorant.


OP do not listen to this. One year for Valentine's Day, not our anniversary but still, I got my wife a vacuum cleaner (a step up from bags I'd say), she was not pleased. 

Also look into "covert contracts", did you (plural) explicitly say that if you got her an ice maker that there'd be sex? Or did you just think that an ice maker entitles you to sex?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> OP do not listen to this. One year for Valentine's Day, not our anniversary but still, I got my wife a vacuum cleaner (a step up from bags I'd say), she was not pleased.
> 
> Also look into "covert contracts", did you (plural) explicitly say that if you got her an ice maker that there'd be sex? Or did you just think that an ice maker entitles you to sex?


So, you're endorsing the idea of a deodorant?😅


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

A sexless marriage and your issue is with a hairbrush???? 

If the hairbrush is your sign that finally makes you realize that your relationship is in trouble and motivates you to address it, then so be it.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

I've been married for about 22 years. I can't imagine ever wanting anything for an anniversary.

However, sex once in 1.5 years. That sounds like a huge problem and should be the issue you focus on.


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## Miguel324 (Nov 11, 2021)

CharlieParker said:


> OP do not listen to this. One year for Valentine's Day, not our anniversary but still, I got my wife a vacuum cleaner (a step up from bags I'd say), she was not pleased.
> 
> Also look into "covert contracts", did you (plural) explicitly say that if you got her an ice maker that there'd be sex? Or did you just think that an ice maker entitles you to sex?


No, there was no expectation of sex, for the ice maker or on our Anniversary.


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## Miguel324 (Nov 11, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> A hairbrush? Are you kidding me? Damn, she couldn't even think of a bag of Hershey's Kisses. How lame. For her next gift, give her some new vacuum bags or a deodorant.


This is not so much about what the gift was or what it cost, it is that she grabbed something the day of, no thought of this ahead of time.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Miguel324 said:


> This is not so much about what the gift was or what it cost, it is that she grabbed something the day of, no thought of this ahead of time.


What did you want for your anniversary?

I'm a terrible gift giver. I give money or gift cards. My husband goes out of his way to give me gifts. I feel so awkward. Our 19th anniversary is coming up and I'm already having an anxiety attack because I have no clue what to give him. I'll probably surprise him with something from his favorite seafood place, a card, and sex... but sex is for the both of us! 

Every time I ask my husband what he wants he says, "nothing, I don't need anything." I hope he's not wishing something and I have no clue about it!


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Miguel324 said:


> wondering what everyone thinks


Since your wife didn’t get you a pair of socks, or some handkerchiefs instead of a lame hairbrush. I think your disappointment is perfectly understandable.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Maybe the hairbrush has some hidden pregnant metaphorical meaning pertaining to your lack of sex life?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

syhoybenden said:


> I think you're being petty.


He's feeling badly because he's had sex with his wife only once in the past year and a half and you call that PETTY?

What the heck.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Hmm. How'd I miss that bit. Pre-coffee jitters.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> He's feeling badly because he's had sex with his wife only once in the past year and a half and you call that PETTY?
> 
> What the heck.


It’s like the guy that comes into ER complaining about a broken toe that stubbed on the coffee table running across the living room..... and he has a hatchet buried in his skull.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

As others have said, the hairbrush and no thought I to a gift is the least of your problems. Maybe it is a symptom of a loveless marriage. No sex for over a year and no thought into a gift for 20 years of marriage sounds to me like she doesn't love you anymore. Do you guys have kids? How is the rest of your marriage. I'm betting it isn't good, is it?


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Miguel324 said:


> New to this forum, thanks to everyone.
> My wife and I just hit 20 years of being married. We also just bought a new house (better neighborhood) and have been moving from our home of 16 years.
> 
> I got my wife a few presents, one which she told me a long time ago she wanted (a pellet ice maker) and a couple surprises. All of these were purchased months ago looking forward to this day.
> ...


Been married 16 years and for the last 10 of them, neither of us buy gifts for one another. I used to get butt hurt but then kind of learned she wasn't a gift giving type. All good... move on. I'd be more concerned with the sex part of things if I were you.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I am somebody with gift expectations. It's part of my love language so since you didn't tell her what you wanted you can't complain too loudly. This experience should be an eye opener for you. It's time to speak up. Don't expect her to be a mind reader.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm not a keeper of days. I do ok in the gift giving category, but there are times that an important gifting occasion goes un filled. Those unfilled times are getting more frequent in the fourth decade. Background for the related experience I'm about to share with you.

Mrs. N is not tech friendly, so online shopping, online vacation planning, online ticket purchases, all have to be done by me. Not that she can't do it, but it often ends in tears and pulled hair. So in the last week she asked me to buy her a decent set of nail clippers. This surprised me as she usually uses grocery store crap. Years ago due to diabetes I started taking very good care of my feet and as a result learned a bit about clippers. All of mine are from tweezerman. So I asked what she wanted and she said "like yours tweezer thingy". Anyway to make sure that hers wasn't exactly like mine I ordered her a victorinox, and I'm a bit excited to see how it performs. As her reward for my time, she suggested that I buy myself the belt I've left in my wish list so she would have half a chance at getting me a gift. <sigh>

My advice, enjoy your brush, and don't have sex with the ice machine.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I don’t want gifts from my wife I have everything I need. 
If she stopped having sex with me unilaterally she wouldn’t be my wife anymore.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

We had few months ago our 25 "together" anniversary, soon will be celebrating 25 years of marriage. I gave my wife diamond ring worth $3000 and she gave me nothing.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Miguel324 said:


> This is not so much about what the gift was or what it cost, it is that she grabbed something the day of, no thought of this ahead of time.


The gift, like the lack of sex, is a sign that your marriage is not working for either of you. I asked before but, I’ll pose it again, have either of you committed adultery? A healthy woman in her 40s, is not going to go without sex for a year and a half. I suspect that you know there’s more to this than you’ve revealed but are reluctant to be vulnerable with us. If you want to get the most out of TAM, you need to give us more to work with. 

My read between the lines meter is telling me that you’re very likely dealing with a wife who is involved with another man and that it very likely has been going on for about 2 years. That’s based on a wife who couldn’t care about the new house you bought, the thoughtless gift on your 20th anniversary, and the no sex for a year and a half. I deducted 2 years to give it a few months to get to the point that she needed to be loyal to her man, so she sexually cut you off.

I hope I’m wrong. Don’t just lurk on TAM. Take advantage of what it can offer you. Free relationship advice from those who are passionate about marriage.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> A hairbrush? Are you kidding me? Damn, she couldn't even think of a bag of Hershey's Kisses. How lame. For her next gift, give her some new vacuum bags or a deodorant.


or an ironing board!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Miguel324 said:


> This is not so much about what the gift was or what it cost, it is that she grabbed something the day of, no thought of this ahead of time.


Then why didn't you lead with that?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Miguel324 said:


> New to this forum, thanks to everyone.
> My wife and I just hit 20 years of being married. We also just bought a new house (better neighborhood) and have been moving from our home of 16 years.
> 
> I got my wife a few presents, one which she told me a long time ago she wanted (a pellet ice maker) and a couple surprises. All of these were purchased months ago looking forward to this day.
> ...


Hold on there professor… you’ve had sex once in the last 1.5 years, and you’re worried about housewarming gifts?

Dude, you have a sexless marriage. You need to figure that out because that’s a massive existential issue in your marriage.

Don’t ****ing worry about nonproportional giftgiving, go figure out why your wife doesn’t want to **** you, because that’s what’s going to bring your marriage down.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

It’s a symptom of something else. Probably lack of curiosity and no interest in the effort required. I have the same argument. If you have a loving and intimate relationship, you shouldn’t have to ask because if you’re an active listener all year long you’ll get ideas. If you know your partner it’s easy, if you just know ABOUT your partner it will be hard.

My wife will listen proactively for stuff the kids wants, do all sorts of research on what to get and the sky’s the limit on their happiness. 

I will do the same for her. Rarely does this get directed towards me. In fact she prefers to just tell me what she wants so she’s not disappointed. As the primary breadwinner, I’m more of the “give me something I can’t buy for myself” mindset.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Miguel324 said:


> This is not so much about what the gift was or what it cost, it is that she grabbed something the day of, no thought of this ahead of time.


With the lack of sex, it already shows she does not give a crap about you so why would you expect anything different for anniversary? It is just another day to her, means nothing.


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## Evan A. Maxwell (6 mo ago)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Next anniversary, if still together, get her a tooth brush. Can't believe she got you a hair brush. Has she got you nice anniversary gifts in the past?


It is better to give her an electric toothbrush. I am using this Phillips Sonicare, Just because of its Customizable design with Patented sonic technology, And The extensive interactive app also has a timer built in. But it has no extra brush heads, It is a drawback.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

might i suggest that you buy yourself something very nice and when she sees the bill or the item say thank you for the anniversay gift and smile. look since sex seems to be off the table be at least attentive to yourself.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Miguel324 said:


> Sex would have made for a nice night, as we’ve only had it once in the past year and a half) but I only want that if she wants to,


The problem here is that you have become so domesticated that you as a male has become nothing but a pushover. WTF is that " I only want that if she wants to"? this is the proof that you have become a passive, beta dude that can't even make his wants known. The hairbrush gift is not the problem, the problem is that the hairbrush gift represents the proof of how your wife views you. It shows, where you stand in the totem, how much respect she has for you. To her you are her housemate, the buddy friend, not her man. Most likely she doesn't count you as a man anymore, I mean as a "man".


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