# Separation Limbo



## Troubledtimes (Oct 25, 2013)

I thought it would be a good time to start posting here after creeping so long, and that this would be a good outlet as well.
A little background on us, my wife of just 1 year has moved out, we have been separated for one month now. She cited lack of feelings (falling out of love) as the main reason, and felt too much pressure to stay and work on the relationship. Our relationship was not very healthy going into marriage ( frequent fights about stupid things, very poor communication) We are in our late 20s. In therapy, she said while she was willing to work on the relationship, her current desire to stay in the marriage is not strong.
Since she left, i think she has just kept busy by immersing herself in work and hanging out with friends. I'm not sure if she actually wants to deal with this issue at this point. Me, on the other hand, have done my best to give her space, although I have succumbed occasionally (overall I think I am doing ok with that). However, internally what I am really struggling with is the concept of 'detaching with love' and not centering my life around her. She says while she misses me, and the idea of me being completely out of her life scares her, she feels more relaxed and enjoys the 'freedom' she feels she was not getting (as a result of me asking her to prioritize the relationship over anything else)

We have decided for the duration of the separation that we are not to see anyone else, and we meet up on a weekly basis to try and re-connect, which is going ok so far. Conversation doesn't flow easily between the two of us, but it is getting better. While she does not seem keen on messaging me much during the week (asides from an occasional how are you), she is at least more expressive and interactive during our time together. Another major improvement is that unhealthy fighting has virtually stopped (as a result of good communication)

So what I need help with, is loving her but not centering my life around her, being patient, kind, outgoing and connect with her on an intellectual level, so that the possibility of her feelings coming back increases. But at the same time, I want to give her the space she needs to sort through the confusion and not appear needy or grouchy in front of her or try to contact her often. While I know there is a strong possiblity of this relationship ending, I dont want to give up just yet as I believe there is still a shot. I think this method would work far better than a complete NC/withdrawl approach. And there is definetely no OM, at least not at this time, I have checked thoroughly lol (insecurity is one more issue)

Sorry for the unstructured rambling; thanks for reading


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Troubledtimes, the 180 is not stonewalling. I suggest that you do a little more research before making that comparison. The 180 is focused on self-love and respect, which can sometimes draw a wayward spouse back to you; stonewalling is a form of emotional manipulation/abuse. Two very, VERY different things.

(In my experience, my STBXH was emotionally abusive and stonewalled me all the time; it made me feel unloved, insecure, and unhappy. If he, instead, implemented the 180, we would probably still be together, but that would imply a genuine desire to change on his part.)

I you really want to keep her, if you really want to make this work, you need to stop being Luke Skywalker, and be Han Solo.

I (and other TAMers) recommend the following:

-- The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books
-- No More Mr Nice Guy (https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf)
-- And for more info on the 180, check out Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again: Michele Weiner-Davis: 9780671797256: Amazon.com: Books

Good luck!


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## Troubledtimes (Oct 25, 2013)

Feminist, sorry I've just seen 180 and NC mentioned together so many times that I just threw it on there. I really meant not favoring a NC approach (I've changed my first post accordingly ); I do plan on implementing the steps of the 180 for myself first and foremost. As for the contact portion, I'm letting her initiate msot of the contact for now. I am guilty of stonewalling many times during our fights and I dont plan on doing it ever again knowing what I know now.

I have read the first two but need to re-read them again, DIvorce Busting is something I have yet to pick up, thanks for the recommendations!


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Wow, 1 yr of marriage??? It could go either way... Not much invested really there, depending how long you've been together. 

I remember my first year of marriage very well, and that was over 33 yrs ago...we fought almost all year long. We too were in our late 20's. We were two very independent young people trying hard to mesh 1 life together with no idea how to do it. Very little money to do it on, & little support.

I tell you this because even though this doesn't sound positive,that was yr 1, never thinking separating an option...but working through was. 

You are facing this at year 1, you can go two routes, depending on which way you both want for the marriage. Learn how to have a good marriage and what it takes now, early,together, or, learn apart... But learn now, read, & educate yourself.

~sammy


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Troubledtimes, I know how it feels to lose your wife so soon. My wife left me just short of 4 months after marrying me, and after a 6 year relationship in total! I agree with FiP. The 180 is not stonewalling, it's self-love, and to a degree, self-preservation. Implement it and don't waiver. 

Also, I can personally vouch for No More Mr. Nice Guy - honestly read it, it's quite a short read in all, I think around 120 pages, but each page is a goldmine of truth.


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## Troubledtimes (Oct 25, 2013)

Thanks for the support guys, we have been together 4 years in total, so definetely there is some investment here, unfortunately it was too late by the time I woke up and wanted to do something about it. I will do the best I can on my own, and what she decides to do with herself is entirely up to her. I hope and pray for the best, but will move forward with my life with or without her. I'll be sure to read that again!
In the mean time, I have a good job in the field I want, and a good social circle with healthy habits (although wouldn't hurt to experience some more nightlife!). I have been regularly hitting the gym since last year to bulk up ( I have a high metabolism) and it's a really good outlet for any built up anger or resentment (use that anger to squeeze out 2-3 extra reps ). I also have to get back to working on my project car which has fallen to the sidelines this last month. So really I have a lot to be thankful for and so much room to grow!


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## Troubledtimes (Oct 25, 2013)

Had an excellent weekend. We hadn't really talked much over 5 days, maybe 4 or 5 short messages overall. Friday was bit of a downer, as i had a bout of insecurity, but I had a friend I could vent too, so it turned out alright. W had IC with the counselor this weekend, and said she was going to do some more sessions alone with her. I will also be doing a session or two of IC as well before we go back to MC again together.
Lately been having a lot of dreams about W. So, I usually wake up and say "Damn it!" But then I manage to go about my day. This weekend was the first time I felt relatively peaceful and secure, so it felt like a milestone. Went to a house party and got a taste of what it would be like to be single again with pretty ladies around, which was a pretty good feeling overall 
Today I spent the day with W. Played some squash with her, then came back home and cooked together and shared some really deep conversation. She mentioned it was nice to be able to talk like this in a no-pressure environment ( I had earlier told her we were just going to take things a day at a time and just enjoy each others company for now). Unfortunately! I cracked towards the end ( my facial expression changed slightly,damn her intuition)and she got a read on how I was feeling at the moment, so I had to tell her I was happy with how the evening went but just felt momentarily sad as i saw her getting ready to leave (or risk compromising the whole evening). she seemed satisfied with the answer and said she understood with a smile. She initiated a hug then we shared a few pecks, after which she went back to her place.
Overall I think I'm coming to grasp with the whole 180 concept, W and I sharing really deep thoughts and having good conversation and we are both enjoying each others company. I feel reaffirmed about my love for her but at the same time am able to see I don't need to center my life around her to do this. I am picking up a new hobby this week so I am looking forward to that as well. I will not initiate any conversation or plan any dates for the upcoming week and see how that goes


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Troubled, I've read that dreams are your subconscious's way of trying to work out whatever issues you're presently dealing with (or unresolved issues). You didn't specify what the dreams were, but you might want to discuss them in IC, if you can still remember them. You might want to write them down.

From my own experience, and from what I've heard around TAM, these types of dreams are common. Personally, I've had quite a few of them during my separation, and they helped quite a bit in understanding what I was feeling; they even helped me unearth some of the unresolved issues I'd been holding onto, which explained why I chose someone who was so wrong for me in the first place. They've grown less frequent in recent months, as my understanding and acceptance of my situation have matured. But even as recently as last night, I had another dream - but the tone of the dreams has changed over time, too.

So I would definitely recommend keeping a dream journal - it may give you some insight as to your true feelings when you're unsure of what you really are feeling.


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## Troubledtimes (Oct 25, 2013)

Thats a good idea Feminist. I really do need to vent about this. My dreams usually revolve around us reconciling however the last one was related to one of the issues I perceived just before the separation. I always felt she would prioritize her work or friends over our relationship however I was unable to communicate this properly. This caused a lot of friction between us. She did not go out too often but the times she did she would come back late enough to just get back home and sleep. The days she did not go out, she was mostly disconnected and on her phone continously. 

Her telling me that she needed freedom to hang out with her friends, that she didnt love me anymore, in combination with a lie I caught her saying about who she was going to hang out with, and a discovery of her past, was enough to drive a normally secure, content person like myself to absolute paranoia and blatant neediness. I am glad we are separated now, because W in the last few months is not the same person I love. She used to talk about having kids, complained that I hung out with friends too much ( oh the irony ), and that I didnt talk to her often enough. This is the most surreal and frustrating part.

Since the separation, when I see her in person, I see glimpses of that old person. Easy to talk to, silly, and lovable. However, the moment she is out of my sight, she turns into a complete stranger. We work at the same company, I can see her online on the company IM. Where previously she used to message me frequently, nowadays she couldnt be bothered to even say Hi, even though there is no negativity showing on the surface. I badly want to reach out to her but I know I can't. I want to know how she is doing and how she feels about me but I know I cant ask her that either. She says that one of her goals in life is to try and help people when possible, but she can't see that she'd rather help out people she just met rather than her own husband. I find myself happy when I am talking to her about random things, but angry at her when she is not talking to me. I guess it is apparent my emotions are still centered around my wife.

Does anyone have tips on how to detach? I.e. love her, but not need her

Limbo sucks, I feel a little better after venting


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

The 180 and NC helps with the detachment... and it takes time to work, you won't see immediate big results, but small, incremental ones. You'll have to be strict with yourself, because your emotions will want to one thing and your rational mind (the one you should listen to!) will want you to do another -- but you can do it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What was her hidden past?

Your last post gives a pessimistic picture. Sounds like she using the separation to get used to being without you and your dates relegate you to the friend zone.

She sounds really checked out.

Who is better at squash? Maybe you can join a club? Good way to make friends.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Troubledtimes (Oct 25, 2013)

Longwalk, yes its not a pretty picture. Also I was a little down when I wrote that so I may have been overly dramatic. She is usually the one to initiate a text/IM conversation. She actually jsut messaged me today actually.

I don't see the situation as overly bleak, as she does express some care and concern about me and my feelings ( 'Does it make you happy when we talk?') about me from time to time, a little bit of surprise at my recent changes, and expressed that she feels sad picturing life without me. She also said she wants to take baby steps to try and rekindle the relationship, and that she likes that there is no pressure from me to reconcile. It could very well be that she is scoping me out as a friend, but only time will tell. I'm not ready to give up just because of that possiblity just yet.

Those are only the positive things I've noticed so far. She is definetely checked out, she said to the counsellor she would put herself a 2 out of 10 in wanting to stay in the marriage ( but a 7 out of 10 to wanting to work on it) She is still not very forthcoming about her activities and not keen on intimacy (which I have backed off on as per 180) There are still many hurdles to overcome, and it's only been a month, so I'm not expecting anything to happen right away. I'm prepared to bunker down for some time (6 months or a year, dont know now what is my limit), and if the situation doesnt change significantly enough to warrant an extension of the separation (if advised by our counsellor), then I may demand a decision from her at that point. For now, I am prepared to detach with love, not give up, and give her more space than she needs.

Her past..she had a fling with her married boss, right before she met me. She broke it up after meeting me and before we started dating. I only found this out 2 months ago. This guy lived in the same town as us for a period of time in the next block, and she even went to his house once maybe 2 years back (with my knowledge, no idea about their affair!) According to her, she left as soon as he started indicating that he wanted more from her. I dont see why she has any innocent reason to meet him seeing that they had an affair..but I have nothing else to go on that she continued it and I have checked everywhere 100% and I know nothing is going on currently. But this is still a huge red flag for me, had I known this when I met her I would have run away. This is something I have to accept and deal with myself, probably with the help of some IC. At the same time, as per the 180, I need to stop being insecure and start moving forward and not concern myself about her daily dealings anymore.

As for squash, I am better. She is not very active at all lol. I usually keep very busy between gym and other sports, so its a good way to get rid of the bad mojo.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Hang in there..look after yourself.
Stay sane and become the Alpha male you need to be. I've been focusing on that and it's helped a lot.


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## Troubledtimes (Oct 25, 2013)

Fordsvt said:


> Hang in there..look after yourself.
> Stay sane and become the Alpha male you need to be. I've been focusing on that and it's helped a lot.


I do need to be more Alpha to re-attract her. I am working on that by picking up more hobbies, being more social, and contributing more at work. 

Just to update, I did meet her last week. I got triggered by soemthing she said as I had some latent expectations; however the improvement was I did not just clam off like I usually did but rather just stated what my issue was. We did have a short argument but it was put to bed quickly. Otherwise it was an ok evening, I initiated the leaving this time. A friend of hers came up to say hi and looked at me oddly upon seeing me, I just thought its because she knew of the situation; but then W told me the next day that she didnt know about our status and she was acting like that because she thought I was good looking lol. 

I think the last thing for me that I really need to work on is to only have realistic expectations of her. She said most of her resentment towards me was gone, which is a good sign. I think her main fear is that if she came back I would go back to being insecure everytime she left the house.

The counsellor advised me that she still felt some hurt over how our relationship had progressed. I was never the one doing the chasing or progressing, and she believes she has resentment towards me for that. She said I would need to acknowledge that hurt in order for her to heal and allow for the possiblity of her feelings to come back.

So after great deliberation and research on TAM and other sites, I have decided to give her an apology letter. It's true that I never looked at things from her persepective about how she feels about past events; its one thing to say everything is in the past however the past is still present if the hurt has not been rectified. Looking back now I can actually empathize with her on how she feels about my treatment of her, I was not a good caring partner to her. I feel I do need to acknowledge this and apologize to her as I have not really done so yet.

My letter only expresses my understanding of her feelings and my remorse for the way I handled things, and nothing more. There is nothing about how I have changed or will change, no pleas or begging. I hope this contributes to her healing process. I believe acting out my improvements is better as talk is cheap.

On my end, my resentment towards her leaving is pretty much gone. Once you understand that the reason they are doing what they do is because they just want to be happy, it is easy to empathize and forgive. With that same mindset, I think my expectations of here also at an all time low. With my negativity minimized, I shoudl be able to start dealing with her much more positively.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Do NOT give an apology letter, it makes you look weak.
Does that sound Alpha to you at all?? Not a chance. She will not respect you one bit. You need to show her that you can survive on your own. Also read the books FeministinPink suggested-they are excellent reads and will help you.

-give her and yourself space
-stop chasing and perusing her-you look weak when you do.
-do some research on all this-tons of info here.
-listen to what these posters are telling you, they know.


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## Troubledtimes (Oct 25, 2013)

Well not much has changed in the current situation, but I discovered after some digging a whopper of a secret which has fundamentally changed my outlook on this sham of a marriage.

- An intense EA/PA with her senior colleague up to a month before our wedding. Appears to have been broken up by OM's W. 
- Possible cheating with friend earlier during out relationship (feelings mentioned)

How does this impact me?

- The pain of betrayal is strong. The shock that she is not an innocent person but actually a serial cheater is profound. But on the plus side, I now have nothing to lose.

If she wants a divorce, I am ok with it. I will be rid of a serial cheater who has only known to look outside the relationship to solve her problems. I can find someone else if I choose to and am not worried about the future.

If she wants to reconcile, I am ok with it. When she notices my apathy and starts demanding more from me, I may reveal to her what I know now. I don't plan to let her off the hook easily for this if she wants to have a meaningful relationship with me.

Bottom line is, this information is exactly what I needed. I no longer feel the 'need' to have this serial liar and cheater in my life. I don't really want to know what she is doing during our separation. There is little use in me digging deeper to find more dirt as she will only turn it back towards me at this point (we are not legally married in our country of residence)

How does this impact the path forward?

Now liberated of the strong desire to be with her, I can finally start enjoying life on my own. I am planning a few trips next year, without her. I have started learning to play guitar. I will be resuming my other hobbies.

How does this impact my view of her?

My respect for her is gone. The only expectation I have of her is to conduct herself as a liar and cheater would. Aside from the pain of betrayal, which will subside over time, all this has achieved is pushed me to 50,000 feet where I can now see that she is just a sad and lonely person who feels victimized by her situation and is grasping at straws for happiness. However, at 50,000 feet I cannot and do not want to help her fix her problems; she has to fix herself.


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## Troubledtimes (Oct 25, 2013)

Not much to update:

- Was sick for a couple of days, she messaged me to ask why I wasn't at work and offered to come take care of me; I declined politely as I was busy that night
- We met up for dinner over the weekend, she gave me a small gift after her trip.
- Our interaction was very pleasant and light hearted. She complained a lot about her work as she is being overworked and is stressed out. I expressed my sympathy and concern. She thanked me for being caring and supportive.

I am glad to find that my recent discoveries have not affected my interactions with her; I thought I would get triggered by just looking at her but everything is going well.

Should I reciprocate with a small gift as well?


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

180 is not about no contact. Love Busters uses no contact only for an affair. 

180 is about beginning to be somebody different than you been. If you have been isolated, you make friends. If you have been a workaholic, you find some hobbies and stop working all the time. If you have been an alcoholic, you get your ass to AA. if you have been needy, you start to get some independence. If you have been a people pleaser, you start to look out for yourself. If you have been controlling, you learn to let people and situation be what they are without your god playing. If you have been prone to angry outbursts and yelling, you learn the good of calmness and responding in a more level-headed manner. and onwards.

If your wife wants space, you need to give it to her. Let her initiate relationship conversations, physical contact, and such. If you pursue her you will drive her further away. 

That does not mean no contact or being rude. It means letting her be. Get yourself to the gym and work off some of that energy. Get some new hobbies. Make some new friends and connect with old ones. Make your life interesting and try to become a better person through this. That way, whatever happens, you will be better off anyhow. It might save your marriage. But it might not. Do it for yourself. Your wife may have given you a gift by having the courage to walk away. The angry fighting sounds pretty terrible. She has given you space to work on yourself too. So do that. Are you in IC?


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Troubledtimes said:


> Should I reciprocate with a small gift as well?


No. I am sure you thanked her for it. She was thinking about you. That is a good thing. Do not pursue her. Let me repeat: do not pursue her. Accept the gift for what it was: a gift. It does not require something in return. Something in return starts to look like an economic exchange...you buying her back. You purchasing her. You controlling her. You manipulating her. 

Do not pursue her. It is control behavior. Stop.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Troubledtimes said:


> - An intense EA/PA with her senior colleague up to a month before our wedding. Appears to have been broken up by OM's W.
> - Possible cheating with friend earlier during out relationship (feelings mentioned)


My comment about no contact was before I saw this. Is she in IC? Are you in IC? Talk with your counselor about this if so. 

In the same post you said you are willing to reconcile if she wants to. Stop that. If she wants. She needs help. She is living a very disordered life and needs some professional help to get past whatever it is that causes her to chase other men and seek their approval. You cannot give her that. 

Then in the next post you are talking about giving her a gift. Again. No. Since you now know she has had an affair, a gift looks even worse. 

Have your confronted her about the affair? Would be good to do that in counseling if you are going together. 

Why would you want to reconcile with her so readily if she is already cheating on you? What in you allows you to be a doormat?


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## Troubledtimes (Oct 25, 2013)

Arendt, thanks for your comments, I appreciate it.

Just to clarify, I do not intend to 'reconcile' if she says she wants to work on the marriage. I need closure on this cheating, with D or R, however I feel now is not the right time to reveal to her that I know about it and seek the confrontation.
I need time to think about things myself as I am still not sure if I want D or not, as I don't know yet if I can get past the infidelity, and I don't want to be the doormat as you describe. I want her to atone for what she did. For me to take her back, I would need her to be genuinely remorseful for what she did, go to IC to determine the root of her problem, and she would have to prove that she is trustworthy before I could let her back into my life emotionally. But telling her that I want these things at this point, to progress a relationship that she does not currently want; I know she cannot deliver. Telling her this will likely lead to D and I am not sure if that is what I want at this point. 

Till then, I am carrying out the 180, and watching. Yes we are both seeing the counsellor individually for the time being. At least now our interactions are much more positive, I don't do relationship talk or initiate any physical contact, and we never argue. I will not get her any gift in return.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Shrink4men.com would be a good resource for you. It's helpful for men who are dealing with disordered partners.

I especially like these articles:

Obsessing Over an Abusive Ex: Thoughts on Being Stuck | Shrink4Men

Abused Men: How Covert Abuse Begins, Part One | Shrink4Men


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Reading your posts...it sounds like you take a lot of abuse and keep coming back for more. Why? Why would you put up with a serial cheater? Why would you so easily start thinking of reconciliation after finding that out? Why would you avoid revealing it because she woudl get upset and divorce you? 

You are enabling her. 

I wonder if the book, Codependent No More, would be of use to you in setting some boundaries and stopping the people pleasing.


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## Troubledtimes (Oct 25, 2013)

I still haven't decided if I want to R or not, how am I enabling her if she doesn't know that I know her secrets?

I am also all for setting boundaries if I come across her seeing someone else currently. But saying "hey you had an affair a year ago" and going NC now not really setting a boundary based on present events? The questions you are asking, I still don't have the answer to. However I know I don't want to give up on my marriage just yet.

And thanks for the link 3strikes!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

An apology letter might be good later, when you are prepared to divorce.

At this stage keep your communications short, condensed, self confident.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

LongWalk said:


> An apology letter might be good later, when you are prepared to divorce.
> 
> At this stage keep your communications short, condensed, self confident.


Exactly..and this will make you stronger in her eyes. It will cause her stop and reflect about life. Don't enable her. Become more Alpha and show your inner strength. Trust me it worked for my marriage. When she witnessed this from me for 2 months, she thought for sure I was leaving. I told her I intended to and would have. Then my realized I could walk and move on without her. Now she wants to reconcile.


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## Troubledtimes (Oct 25, 2013)

Well the rings are off. W went home to convince her parents that D was right for her, and basically came back and told me. I kinda knew that this was going to happen, as communication dropped off completely when she went home, so I was more or less prepared for it.
I told her great, I respect your decision, oh btw I know what you did last summer. I think she is overwhelmed by guilt now. She couldnt sleep and send me messages through out the night, saying how she was not forgivable and saying how sorry she was. She didn't change her decision though lol.

Asides from the tailspin of emotions that this recent exchange has caused, I am looking forward to being single again. Planning a guys trip to Europe soon, should be fun


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Troubledtimes said:


> Well the rings are off. W went home to convince her parents that D was right for her, and basically came back and told me. I kinda knew that this was going to happen, as communication dropped off completely when she went home, so I was more or less prepared for it.
> I told her great, I respect your decision, oh btw I know what you did last summer. I think she is overwhelmed by guilt now. She couldnt sleep and send me messages through out the night, saying how she was not forgivable and saying how sorry she was. She didn't change her decision though lol.
> 
> Asides from the tailspin of emotions that this recent exchange has caused, I am looking forward to being single again. Planning a guys trip to Europe soon, should be fun


Sorry to hear the news, but this may be for the best. Now you know where you stand, and you can focus on you and rebuilding.

*hugs*

(And have FUN with the Europe trip! I need to plan one fore myself soon...)


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

I think you have your answer. Serial cheater means no marriage is possible. Sorry you are here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Troubledtimes (Oct 25, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> Sorry to hear the news, but this may be for the best. Now you know where you stand, and you can focus on you and rebuilding.
> 
> *hugs*
> 
> (And have FUN with the Europe trip! I need to plan one fore myself soon...)


Thank you Feminist, where re you thinking of going? We are just going to Turkey..

Hey SVT, I am not sorry that I am here..this forum has been great for support and I am looking forward to moving on to better times and have some adventures.

BTW what do you drive?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Troubledtimes said:


> Thank you Feminist, where re you thinking of going? We are just going to Turkey..
> 
> Hey SVT, I am not sorry that I am here..this forum has been great for support and I am looking forward to moving on to better times and have some adventures.
> 
> BTW what do you drive?


I don't know where I want to go. I've only been to Italy (2x), and I desperately want to go back, but I realize that I need to see some other countries, too! I've always wanted to see Ireland and the UK, but I'd also love to see France or Spain. Or Greece. Or Turkey.

I have SO MUCH vacation time saved up, I'd like to take 6 weeks off and see a couple countries, but I'll never be able to get my boss to agree to that.

I drive a Fiat 500, manual. Why do you ask?


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## Troubledtimes (Oct 25, 2013)

Each of those countries are unique, use that vacation in spurts!

I was actually asking SVT about what he drives, but thats a nice little Italian car, good choice on the manual too


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Troubledtimes said:


> Each of those countries are unique, use that vacation in spurts!


The problem with my job is I accrue a ton of vacay time, but it's really difficult to schedule the time off. And flights to Europe can be pricey, so If I can take more time off and see more, it's a better deal for me. 

EDIT: And I'm getting close to the max number of vacay days I can have banked; they'll start to expire soon, and I don't want to lose them!

We'll see how that works out.



Troubledtimes said:


> I was actually asking SVT about what he drives, but thats a nice little Italian car, good choice on the manual too


Ha ha - whoops! I always wanted to drive a manual, so I learned on the spot


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Troubledtimes said:


> Each of those countries are unique, use that vacation in spurts!
> 
> I was actually asking SVT about what he drives, but thats a nice little Italian car, good choice on the manual too


2011 Ford Escape Limited. Why do you ask?
And yes I'm a Ford guy


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Fordsvt said:


> 2011 Ford Escape Limited. Why do you ask?
> And yes I'm a Ford guy


Ahh... I used to drive an old school Ford Explorer, '94. I loved that truck. I should have known my XH was trouble when he pushed me to get rid of it.


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## Troubledtimes (Oct 25, 2013)

Hello all, I havent posted in a while so I thought I will update. I am going through the divorce route here after all which means one year of sepration prior to requesting a divorce judgement. So I have until October of this year, before the judge will look at the application. There is nothing to stop us from at least filing before the year is complete, so we are going to be filing jointly soon beforehand. We are currently drafting a separation agreement and getting it signed, so that we can be separate legal entities.

I feel a very strong urge to move on quickly and put the divorce behind me by moving onto someone else. I felt like lying about the separation date to get the divorce started and finished earlier, but ultimately I decided not to. Ending a deceitful relationship with more deceit would only get me caught in a larger web of lies, which my family would get caught in as well.

Ultimately, my cooler side prevailed, so I will have to continue in a separation mode for probably the rest of this year. I dont quite understand the urge to move on to someone else, I am not exactly feeling lonely, so what could it be? Is it because I am mentally not used to being single that I want to move quickly to something else right away? Is it because I dont want to miss out on who I am viewing as someone ideal for me in my post relationship state?

Otherwise, everything else is going well. Got a good review at work, my boss was surprised that I was going through a divorce as I hadnt really shown it. Will be looking at new places to live as well (no purchase to be completed once the separation agreement is signed and filed of course!)


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