# Need your opinion-sorry long



## dontwanttobeme (Feb 24, 2009)

I have written on this board before and heard from so many people that I should leave my H. I have had MANY problems with him. But, after several failed attempts, I still haven’t left him. 
The reason? Fear and also the fact that I am religious and sought out the help of a Priest who advised me to try religious counseling/prayer first. So, in an effort to have no regrets, I decided to do that. 

It seemed to be working for a bit…but then, again, problems hit. These problems aren’t just about “my feelings”. This is a big concern for my child. I guess I don’t want to go into too much detail to bias you on my H before you hear this and I request your opinion. I will just say that one of my biggest problems with him is the fact that he likes to spend a lot of money. However, even though he works full time in a career he is passionate about, he makes about a quarter of what I make but loves to live the lifestyle one affords on my paycheck/career. He REFUSES to change careers..aspire for bigger money…and also is having a VERY difficult time living a normal lifestyle, which I definitely am trying to implement FOR him and WITH him. He has been resistant. 

Here is my latest concern/question. Does this sound like a concern for the welfare of our 3 year old son? And is this on purpose or is this a VERY bad coincidence? 
About a month ago, I had a disagreement with my H about money. We were at the point of even discussing divorce. He said he “would try to do better” He promised counseling but HAS NOT gone – after years of promises. Anyway, after the talk, he was in the garage working – and my 3 year old was inside the garage too. I was upstairs. All of a sudden, my son comes SCREAMING upstairs, “mommy, I almost got hurt, Daddy almost hit me with the car!”. I asked what he was talking about, of course. About 3 minutes later (3 MINUTES) my H comes to try to “find” our son. 
He explained that he told our son to stand still in the garage while he backed the car in. He was upset WITH OUR SON for moving…when he shouldn’t have. Come on – he’s 3! So, he left him in the garage and got into a car to back the car up….and nearly backed over our son. Honestly, I didn’t make a huge deal out of it. I just begged him to be more careful. It was upsetting to me that he STILL blamed my son and said he didn’t think he did anything wrong by getting in the car.

Now, I’ve got another deal. My H is mad at me because I want to save money (we have 50k in debt and no savings) but he wants a plasma tv for his football season. He had the satellite company come by to hook up service to the “plasma tv area” so he can “be ready”. He has dragged me to the stores to look at these tvs – I eventually said this week, well, maybe but we have to pay cash and it must be under 1k. He was not happy. He wants a pricey one. Anyway, I told him that (since there is no tv in this area) he needs to use the small 21 inch monitor for the installation process because moving our big heavy 47 inch HD tv to that area is not safe around our son. (we have a nanny during the day and I worry about the level of supervision). He said, why? I said if that TV gets knocked over – our son could be hurt. He said “ok”. Well, I came home yesterday to relieve the nanny and found the satellite TV hooked up to that BIG 47 inch HD TV TEETERING Off a coffee table! My nanny said my H did that before he left for work. She said she worked to keep my son from running into it. 

I asked my H “why” he did that. He said “he was in a hurry” “he is sorry”. I said that was a very unsafe situation to put him and the nanny in – he agreed and said “stop rubbing my nose in it”. I said, fine. He then said, “ well, if you want me to move that unsafe tv out of that area, I guess we should go buy that new HD Plasma tonight to mount on the wall, huh? “. I INSTANTLY thought this was his way of trapping me into buying this TV.

He eventually told me (when I asked) that it was NOT. He swore that it was just a bad coincidence. He said that “I had to believe him”. 

I can’t talk to many people about this problem with my H for obvious reasons, but what do you think? Am I keeping my son in danger if I don’t leave my H? I am really scared. I don’t want to believe that my h would be capable of this type of manipulation, but the one friend I told about this (a mother) said that she thinks I’m crazy if I leave my son in this position any longer. 

So, what do you think? Background, my H was physically violent with my son once before (about a year ago). My son accidentally stepped on him and hurt his leg someone (he was 2 years old at the time) and my H pushed him forcefully and it knocked him down and of course, my son was SCREAMING. I had a talk with him and I haven’t seen be violent since. 

He has grabbed me once or twice before by the arm and pushed me – but it ended when I told him NEVER to touch me again. So, violence is not a big issue for him. 

Thanks for your thoughts.


----------



## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

"So, what do you think? Background, my H was physically violent with my son once before (about a year ago). My son accidentally stepped on him and hurt his leg someone (he was 2 years old at the time) and my H pushed him forcefully and it knocked him down and of course, my son was SCREAMING. I had a talk with him and I haven’t seen be violent since.

He has grabbed me once or twice before by the arm and pushed me – but it ended when I told him NEVER to touch me again. So, violence is not a big issue for him."

Okay, pay attention...this might be a little harsh but you need a kick in the ass...especially for the sake of your son.

Above everything else you said and have had problems with, what I quoted above scares the hell out of me. Why in the hell are you still in this marriage? It's a dangerous situation for you and your child...and please spare me the crap about money, nowhere to go and above all, staying for the kid or religious reasons.

I am a pastor...almost all religions, worth their faith in God and all things that are good find three things as unacceptable and grounds for dissolution of the marriage. Addiction, (he's addicted to his own selfishness), Adultery, and ABUSE...

The longer you stay in this the more likely you are to cause harm to your child and have yourself harmed. Even if he never lays a hand on you or your child, he's mentally abusive and that's almost as bad as the physical.

Get your head out of your ass and find a way to get the hell out of this mess you're in.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Give him an ultimatum...get help or we are finished! He promised years ago to get help...now remind him.

It sounds like your H may be immature. Wants things when he wants them...no matter what the consequence. The TV was a great example. Forget the kid...I want the TV.

Hopefully, you had him take the TV away. 

If you decide to leave...you H will probably have visitation and you won't be there to look after him. So....I am not sure what to think.


----------



## dontwanttobeme (Feb 24, 2009)

Thank you for your tough honesty. You are right, I do need a kick in the rear. This is so hard for me, I just wish I could fully understand why I try to think he will change. 

He DOES change and then reverts back. After this TV incident, he started texting me about how much he misses me and how beautiful I am and thanking me for all that I do....asking me if he can take me out to dinner this weekend. 

It's hard to kick him out when he is acting this way...but obviously, this is the pattern he uses to get his way. And if I get really upset? He will run across the room and tickle me so I can't speak any more. It makes me so mad and he just thinks it's so hysterical. 
I called the attorney today. I'm going to get out of the cycle. I'm just scared.


----------



## dontwanttobeme (Feb 24, 2009)

Ok. So I had to give this update. Many on this board, including Preacher really helped me. I went and talked to an attorney and that was sobering! 

But, I found this latest piece very telling. You know my MAIN beef with my DH is his pricey taste and inability to save money or spend on anyone other than himself.

Well, I told him we needed to seperate. He asked why? I named off a TON of reasons, including the fact that I don't even own a wedding ring but he finds the need to go get a plasma with any cash we make off of the yard sale (my way of gathering a savings). 

His answer? I think I have enough room on my 4 credit cards, if we max each out to go get you a ring. "Let's go tomorrow and pick it out - I'm not taking no for an answer".

That is the PROOF. The man may NEVER get it. How could he miss THIS RED FLAG? HOW? I want to seperate because we need to save ourselves (and kid) from finacial ruin and HE wants to solve it by buying me a ring and maxing out his credit cards. 

I'm so frustrated I'm in tears. Thanks for letting me vent here.


----------



## jane. (Jul 10, 2009)

I'm glad to see you summoned enough strength to consult an attorney and tell your husband you wanted to separate.

Your husband seems really self-absorbed and not able to see the root of your frustrations.


----------



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Wow, I am trying to hang onto every last shread of my marriage, because the thought of divorce doesn't resonate well with me. However, if I though for one instant my wife was a liability/risk to any of our children's welfare, I would divorce her so fast that windows in my neighborhood would break from the sonic boom. Money is one thing...serious but addressable, safety is another...and completely non-negotiable. Leave him, for yourself and the sake of your child, and please consider both a restraining order and a snub nosed 38 for your protection.


----------



## dontwanttobeme (Feb 24, 2009)

Your response is particularly interesting to me because, frankly, you are a man. When it comes to the issues I found concerning surrounding my child's safety - do you think I'm overreacting? My DH insists that he was just 'stupid and forgetful' with the TV and the car ordeal. Do you think those stories sound as if my child is REALLY in danger? I am admittedly very protective as a parent, but that just took it to a whole new level when I realized that TV was a danger....

What are your thoughts? Thanks.


----------

