# Am I a borderline or is this a midlife crisis?



## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Kind of a long background story- my husband and I have been married for 22 years. We have one daughter, a pre-teen. Both of our interests are to do the best things for our daughter. We have differences in our personalities but very similar perspectives about life and value, but we often argue about so many things and lately I feel lost. After living in the US, I feel like I should have a close friend who I can talk to, but living in the small town makes it difficult to meet people whom I can spill my guts out without backfiring myself, and I can’t afford to pay for a therapist.., so here it goes.

We met in the dorm of a university where I was studying in the ESL program and he was majoring Japanese. We fell in love and decided to live together in Japan while he was there as an exchange student and came back to the US and have been here since. We live in a small town in NY where he grew up. I work from home in health care, and he switched his career last September. He has worked in a police dept. for 15 years but the tremendous stress from the job was effecting his health, so he finally left the very toxic environment and started working in a school district, which he loves very much. 

He really never left the place, though… He still gets calls and texts from the people at his previous job as they are very unhappy with the situation there now. One officer in particular was treated so poorly by the superiors that she came to see him in tears. My husband, of course feels responsible and tries to console and give advices whenever asked for, sometimes legal advices with a phone call lasting for two hours…. I have been trying to be a supportive wife and listen to him and tell him that I care about his own emotional well-being as he says that listening to them drains and takes him back to those dark years. He defends that they need my help and can’t turn them away, so we try to be their friends and invite this officer for dinners or just to hang out. I know he would help any one of them equally if they needed, but he had a special interest and saw so much potential in her when he hired her, so he naturally shows great sympathy towards this officer. I’m just there making foods for them, sitting and not say much as they often end up talking about the difficult situations she’s in and general complains about her work. He encourages her to find another job as she would excel in any other field, but since it was her childhood dream, she doesn’t want to give up, and he realizes his limitation on helping her, as he characterizes her as self-righteous and yet naive. But, as most cops are, they are addicted to adrenaline. As much as it takes a toll on them, they get high from the rush and by talking about how crappy it is, they are re-living the drama and gives them the excitement. That’s my observation on why he keeps talking to her about all the problems although I may be way off with that assumption. 

Anyways, my daughter worships this officer and talks about wanting see her all the time, and my husband highly speaks of her all the time. He told me that someone from the church he goes to asked if she was his wife - I’m not a Christian and do not go to church service, and he jokingly said he should have said he wished, this 7 foot-tall with double major Goddess was my wife! I’m not jealous of this officer, I don’t think he’s attracted to her romantically at all, he thinks I’m crazy when I tease him about it. But it is true that he’s paying more attention to her and shows quite a bit more respect to her than me, and that hurts. 

We used to do more things together as a family, but things are starting to fall apart. We do have good conversations sometimes, enjoy watching shows on tv, spend time with his parents, sister & her partner, but those are pretty much the only things we do together at this point. We have not had an intimacy for months, he’s interested in playing his saxophone, smoking his pipe and going to church, while I’m interested in rock music, skateboarding, photography and playing electronic music. He supports my hobbies but does not take over chores so I have time to do what I like to which I’ve been resentful for a while, but the routines have not changed even after he changed his job and have more time. I lack my vocabulary and articulation when we have an argument, and he loves to argue. All these 20 plus years, I’ve said things I regret and acted the way he did not deserve, and I’m not sure if there are any feelings left for each other. 

He says I need a friend, and it’d be nice if I had a friend. All my close friends are in Japan. I am friendly, but I don’t go around and ask people if they want to hung out. It’s not easy to make friends as an adult in a small town when you look like a foreigner, and most people your age have established circle of friends already. I like talking to people I work with, but I don’t have any contact with them outside the work. It’s not my nature to talk about my personal problems with my co-workers either. 

I apologize for randomness of this post, and I’m not sure if I’m looking for any advices, but I needed a place to share these feelings without paying $300/week. Thanks for reading!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Hotaru I have moved your thread to Coping With Infidelity as your husband appears to have some kind of emotional (at least) attraction to that other woman.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

So how much does your husband know about how you feel? Have you told him?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Also, why do you say "borderline" in the thread title? Where did that come from?


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Laurentium said:


> Also, why do you say "borderline" in the thread title? Where did that come from?


Hi, yes I have told him about what goes on my mind may times in the past in details, He seems to take it not very seriously most of the time, and he just moves on. 
I put the word “borderline” because of the way I get very flustered, and also I’ve been told that I get mad more often than I should.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

What do you think ended your intimacy in the relationship? What was going on when it fizzled? 

She may be 7 ft tall but I don't know if she's straight or gay but he could be more involved with her than you know or be so attached emotionally that he's detaching from you. But if it's been some years since you've been intimate then you have to figure out what started that. Are you a lot younger than him? I asked because you're interests are youngish.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

First of all I think you are an amazing, brave person following your husband to a new country and sticking with your husband while he worked a grueling thankless job. 

Now even though your husband has left that job his behaviour is with his former coworker is...unprofessional at best and potentially destructive to your marriage at worst. Most men I know are problem solvers. And she continues to present problems to him which makes him feel special while you a relegated to the background. You say you are not jealous but you are. That's okay, though! A friendly ear is one thing but this woman has inserted herself into your life beyond what is acceptab. 

Also is it your husband who says you get angry too much? He is gaslighting you. 

I


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> What do you think ended your intimacy in the relationship? What was going on when it fizzled?
> 
> She may be 7 ft tall but I don't know if she's straight or gay but he could be more involved with her than you know or be so attached emotionally that he's detaching from you. But if it's been some years since you've been intimate then you have to figure out what started that. Are you a lot younger than him? I asked because you're interests are youngish.


Thanks for your reply! To be honest, I think it falls on me, I admit that I have not been sweet to him lately, or I even say that I have not been very affectionate person from the start and he used to complain a lot about it. But, when he worked his former job and the schedule was all over the place, it definitely made it challenging to find time to feel the closeness. 
I’m starting to think that I’m too dull for him, and he requires more stimulation in his life. 
I’m actually five years older than he is, but it almost feels like I started my new identity when I moved to the US, and it sounds weird but I feel that I’m much more immature than my actual age. I enjoy those hobbies as outlets since my life has become very repetitive and mundane.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Erudite said:


> First of all I think you are an amazing, brave person following your husband to a new country and sticking with your husband while he worked a grueling thankless job.
> 
> Now even though your husband has left that job his behaviour is with his former coworker is...unprofessional at best and potentially destructive to your marriage at worst. Most men I know are problem solvers. And she continues to present problems to him which makes him feel special while you a relegated to the background. You say you are not jealous but you are. That's okay, though! A friendly ear is one thing but this woman has inserted herself into your life beyond what is acceptab.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for the kind words! He left his former job less than a year after he had hired this officer, and he knows how toxic his the place can be and thinks that he can still interject his knowledge and utilize the connections he’s built up to help her. And, I agree with the fact that those things she told him should not be tolerated and we should support her as friends. But, I don’t know much about her as she mostly talks to him when we invite her. My husband and my daughter think she’s a wonderful person, and I’m sure she is, but I have a problem when they show me less respect…


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Hotaru said:


> Thanks for your reply! To be honest, I think it falls on me, I admit that I have not been sweet to him lately, or I even say that I have not been very affectionate person from the start and he used to complain a lot about it. But, when he worked his former job and the schedule was all over the place, it definitely made it challenging to find time to feel the closeness.
> I’m starting to think that I’m too dull for him, and he requires more stimulation in his life.
> I’m actually five years older than he is, but it almost feels like I started my new identity when I moved to the US, and it sounds weird but I feel that I’m much more immature than my actual age. I enjoy those hobbies as outlets since my life has become very repetitive and mundane.


That makes sense, what you said about kind of starting over with a new identity. 

I'm just guessing that he's going on about his life. I doubt he's doing without sex. It does make me wonder how it could have gone on very long because most women would not want to be in a relationship with someone who had a woman at home. What do you think the explanation for that is?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

The only thing I find out of the ordinary is the female. I mean most people wouldn’t impose that much on a family, no matter how close or how well you get along. I don’t know many people who would pick someone else’s spouse for constant ear-bashing about work. I’ve worked in a lot of places and a lot of teams, but have never seen that sort of communication outside Friday night drinks. The younger or single people tended to group together and have their own social life. But I’ve never seen a member of the opposite sex spend that much friendly time alone with the family.

Even in the reverse, I’d feel odd as a woman If a family wanted that much time with me? Even when I single and worked closely with men, there was just no communication outside work. At all. Most people know that people have their own lives. It’s not the norm. So she has a strange idea of what’s ok and what’s not. The social cues in this story seem to be off, from all of you. (Not so much you, as you seem aware that it’s a bit concerning)

Does she have any friends and family? How old is your daughter and what’s the situation there? Again, it’s odd. By the age of 12 my kids couldn’t give two hoots about the adults we mixed with. You’ve mentioned a few times how highly your daughter thinks of her. Actually, at no age did my kids have much of an opinion about any adult really, they stuck to playing with kids after their initial hellos.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

If you are uncomfortable with his relationship with this women tell him and stand your ground. You are his wife, it's not an unreasonable request.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Hotaru said:


> and he jokingly said he should have said he wished, this 7 foot-tall with double major Goddess was my wife!


He was telling you, his wife, that he should have said he wished? I can't tell you how offensive that is. It is hurtful and disrespectful. 

It's time you stop inviting over and cooking for your husband's girlfriend. Your daughter needs to learn what is proper in relationships and who deserves respect. Hint: a woman who chases after her daddy is not to be respected.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Thanks everyone! Here are more details I'd left out in the OP for clarification. I apologize. 
This officer is 25 years old, kind of like a kid still, so my daughter looks up to her as a big sister, which I can understand as my daughter is an old child. From what my husband has told me, she had a tough time growing up with her biological father leaving the family when she was 9, and her father never spoke to her again. She said her mother is hard on her also, a correctional officer working with a rough crowd herself, her mother warned her about the male dominant work environment. 
My husband was the chief of the PD when he hired her, but he just could not stay there any more. There was just too much stress at the time; coordinating with multiple agencies over pandemic, implementing the procedures for the police reform and the community members constantly attacking and questioning what he'd done; his mom being hospitalized, etc... I could go on how crushing and infuriating to see him being in such despair, but he got help. He talked to a pastor, went to the ER, and is feeling much better now. 
And, the officer came to him and told him that the people at the PD have been saying inappropriate things to her, and one of her co-workers reported to the village mayor without consulting her first, and she found out after and became very stressed because she did not want to make a big deal about it, but the situation got worse naturally when the lawyers from the village started to contact her and others at the PD. She started to think that people are retaliating by not allowing her to use time off, or making her work overtime shifts, or even stalking her in the police cars. It sounds quite alarming, I know. On top of this, she watched a video of a sergeant's disturbing procedure, and she didn't know what to do because the acting chief is a buddy of this sergeant's. 
All of this has been reported but nobody knows what to do, and my husband is trying to hep to the best of his ability, ibut I don't think he knows what to do either. 

I have expressed my concerns many times already, but I'll keep trying.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Are you now having frequent intimacy with your H?

This should be a time to draw closer physically in a young family.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Hotaru said:


> Thanks everyone! Here are more details I'd left out in the OP for clarification. I apologize.
> This officer is 25 years old, kind of like a kid still, so my daughter looks up to her as a big sister, which I can understand as my daughter is an old child. From what my husband has told me, she had a tough time growing up with her biological father leaving the family when she was 9, and her father never spoke to her again. She said her mother is hard on her also, a correctional officer working with a rough crowd herself, her mother warned her about the male dominant work environment.
> My husband was the chief of the PD when he hired her, but he just could not stay there any more. There was just too much stress at the time; coordinating with multiple agencies over pandemic, implementing the procedures for the police reform and the community members constantly attacking and questioning what he'd done; his mom being hospitalized, etc... I could go on how crushing and infuriating to see him being in such despair, but he got help. He talked to a pastor, went to the ER, and is feeling much better now.
> And, the officer came to him and told him that the people at the PD have been saying inappropriate things to her, and one of her co-workers reported to the village mayor without consulting her first, and she found out after and became very stressed because she did not want to make a big deal about it, but the situation got worse naturally when the lawyers from the village started to contact her and others at the PD. She started to think that people are retaliating by not allowing her to use time off, or making her work overtime shifts, or even stalking her in the police cars. It sounds quite alarming, I know. On top of this, she watched a video of a sergeant's disturbing procedure, and she didn't know what to do because the acting chief is a buddy of this sergeant's.
> ...


All of that is awful for such a young woman to go through and you are a kind caring woman. But that means she is vulnerable and your husband feels responsible because he hired her. This has all the potential to spiral out of control before anyone knows what is happening. Trust your woman's intuition!


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

How about a trip back to Japan to see your family? (Stupid Covid probably won't let you but still )Take hubs and daughter and go back home. Rekindle the spark from where you first met and put some distance from uncomfortable situation.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Are you now having frequent intimacy with your H?
> 
> This should be a time to draw closer physically in a young family.


Haha, we’re not young anymore actually! I just turned 50 and he’s 45, and no, we have not been intimate for months. We hug and kiss when we leave the house to go to work or for errands.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Erudite said:


> How about a trip back to Japan to see your family? (Stupid Covid probably won't let you but still )Take hubs and daughter and go back home. Rekindle the spark from where you first met and put some distance from uncomfortable situation.


I would really love to do that, or just to anywhere on a family trip, but they don’t even want to come for a walk with the dogs with me lately.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Hotaru said:


> Haha, we’re not young anymore actually! I just turned 50 and he’s 45, and no, we have not been intimate for months. We hug and kiss when we leave the house to go to work or for errands.


That's great! 
Same question of course, do you have frequent intimate times with H, specifically do you and he have sex frequently? If not why?


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Erudite said:


> All of that is awful for such a young woman to go through and you are a kind caring woman. But that means she is vulnerable and your husband feels responsible because he hired her. This has all the potential to spiral out of control before anyone knows what is happening. Trust your woman's intuition!


The fact that she’s so young and trying to do the right things makes her admirable, and I’d hate myself even more if I told him to turn her away. I do tell him to suggest her to talk to someone professional for her mental health issues as he is still going through some anxiety himself.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Hotaru said:


> I put the word “borderline” because of the way I get very flustered, and also I’ve been told that I get mad more often than I should.


I doubt if you are borderline. I'm still wondering if that's your word or someone else's.

All that detail in the recent post means nothing to me! Let me summarise back to you what I hear:

_my husband has a relationship with a younger woman, that worries me_
_I've told him, and he dismisses my concerns._
_Maybe I've "got mad" and told him in too much detail, in a way he can't hear. _

I emphasise "maybe". I'm only hearing one side of this. I'm guessing he's torn between his guilt at doing this, and his compulsion to help people. I wish I could hear his version of the story.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

It looks to me like you two have disconnected and now your husband has found a new emotional interest in this officer. It might be too late to reignite the spark. There are so many different factors playing here. Maybe some marital counselling would help?


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

If the situation were identical but the young officer were a man, would your husband be making such an effort, know so much about him and his childhood, be making accommodations for the officer, and taking up so much family time? My guess is NO.

You are making excuses for you husband's lack of boundaries and questioning yourself to do it. (you are having a mid-life crisis, your daughter looks up to the officer, your husband feel responsible, etc) Your husband is using his sense of "responsibility", your daughter's idolatry, your insecurity, etc to push the boundaries and keep this woman near him and increase the emotional intimacy with her. Not many men will take on this level of counseling and support for a former colleague without hoping for more. The relationship is serving some purpose for your husband. You have to figure out what that is.

I don't know if something is going on, but if I had to put money on the table I would say he is wishing something were. If anyone is having a midlife crisis here, it is your husband.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Hmm....

It could be that your husband has a little spark for her - she's 20 years his junior, and probably exciting for him. I wouldn't take his word when he says there is no attraction. That said, he could just really like her as a friend and feels responsible for her situation since he hired her. Hard to say. Keep watching closely.

I think the bigger concern is your lack of intimacy, and the seeming unwillingness to do things together. If you haven't done so already, you should have a real serious heart to heart talk with him, not about the 25 year old woman, but about your feelings regarding your marriage and lack of closeness. Say that you NEED to feel closer, to do more things together, even simple things. 

Focus on that in your talk....if you make it about the friend, he will get defensive and shut off. Keep your own eyes on their interactions, gather your data quietly on that.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Laurentium said:


> I doubt if you are borderline. I'm still wondering if that's your word or someone else's.
> 
> All that detail in the recent post means nothing to me! Let me summarise back to you what I hear:
> 
> ...


I’ve come up with the word, nobody has told me that I had borderline personality. My father had a terrible temper, and my parents used to fight often, and I think I’ve grown impulsive and have trouble communicating effectively when I become emotional. My husband tells me that I often seem to have my own narratives in my head instead of the truth. 
I suggested we should get a couple counseling, but his answer was he was not sure if he had time for it. He certainly does not appear to be bothered by anything that’s happening between us.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

bricks said:


> If the situation were identical but the young officer were a man, would your husband be making such an effort, know so much about him and his childhood, be making accommodations for the officer, and taking up so much family time? My guess is NO.
> 
> You are making excuses for you husband's lack of boundaries and questioning yourself to do it. (you are having a mid-life crisis, your daughter looks up to the officer, your husband feel responsible, etc) Your husband is using his sense of "responsibility", your daughter's idolatry, your insecurity, etc to push the boundaries and keep this woman near him and increase the emotional intimacy with her. Not many men will take on this level of counseling and support for a former colleague without hoping for more. The relationship is serving some purpose for your husband. You have to figure out what that is.
> 
> I don't know if something is going on, but if I had to put money on the table I would say he is wishing something were. If anyone is having a midlife crisis here, it is your husband.


I did ask him exactly that, if he would do the same for a male officer, and he said he would absolutely do the same. I also asked him if he’d support me had I done the same for a young man, and he said he would.
But, I mean dudes don’t really get into to this type of situation, and they wouldn’t keep someone else’s spouse on the phone for two hours, and they wouldn’t have come see him crying. One male officer does call him, but it’s always short.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Hotaru said:


> Thanks everyone! Here are more details I'd left out in the OP for clarification. I apologize.
> This officer is 25 years old, kind of like a kid still, so my daughter looks up to her as a big sister, which I can understand as my daughter is an old child. From what my husband has told me, she had a tough time growing up with her biological father leaving the family when she was 9, and her father never spoke to her again. She said her mother is hard on her also, a correctional officer working with a rough crowd herself, her mother warned her about the male dominant work environment.
> My husband was the chief of the PD when he hired her, but he just could not stay there any more. There was just too much stress at the time; coordinating with multiple agencies over pandemic, implementing the procedures for the police reform and the community members constantly attacking and questioning what he'd done; his mom being hospitalized, etc... I could go on how crushing and infuriating to see him being in such despair, but he got help. He talked to a pastor, went to the ER, and is feeling much better now.
> And, the officer came to him and told him that the people at the PD have been saying inappropriate things to her, and one of her co-workers reported to the village mayor without consulting her first, and she found out after and became very stressed because she did not want to make a big deal about it, but the situation got worse naturally when the lawyers from the village started to contact her and others at the PD. She started to think that people are retaliating by not allowing her to use time off, or making her work overtime shifts, or even stalking her in the police cars. It sounds quite alarming, I know. On top of this, she watched a video of a sergeant's disturbing procedure, and she didn't know what to do because the acting chief is a buddy of this sergeant's.
> ...


The point is you do not have as much of a relationship with your husband as she does. The fact that she's 25 is a big turn on to most men. She is definitely puffing his ego up by making him feel like her hero. There is no way she doesn't know that she is crossing some boundaries since he is married. In my thankfully limited experience, women who cling to a man being needy are manipulative and know exactly what they're doing. I have unfortunately seen it at work with a climber who did very little work him sucked up to all the men and made them all feel like heroes and stepped on all the women on her way. She is the worst person I've ever encountered that I had to deal with.

Not saying yours is as bad as all that since at least I guess she's not using him for employment reasons anymore. But I will say that it's been 37 years since I had to deal with that at my work and one of the men who was complicit in it, according to his wife, still gives that girl money after all these years.

The real issue here is that you and your husband are not intimate and haven't been for a long time. Something is terribly wrong in your marriage. Men don't usually just go do without sex. It's highly unlikely that he is either.

You had answered my question about that and had said that that was mostly you. If you are okay with all this and he is okay with all this and not having sex with his wife and having sex with someone else which he must be doing and there are no victims here, then carry on. I just think eventually some woman is going to demand that he leave you to be with him.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The point is you do not have as much of a relationship with your husband as she does. The fact that she's 25 is a big turn on to most men. She is definitely puffing his ego up by making him feel like her hero. There is no way she doesn't know that she is crossing some boundaries since he is married. In my thankfully limited experience, women who cling to a man being needy are manipulative and know exactly what they're doing. I have unfortunately seen it at work with a climber who did very little work him sucked up to all the men and made them all feel like heroes and stepped on all the women on her way. She is the worst person I've ever encountered that I had to deal with.
> 
> Not saying yours is as bad as all that since at least I guess she's not using him for employment reasons anymore. But I will say that it's been 37 years since I had to deal with that at my work and one of the men who was complicit in it, according to his wife, still gives that girl money after all these years.
> 
> ...


I’m pretty sure that her intentions are not to steal my husband from me, I know she’s genuinely feeling lost and needs someone to give her good advice, but you’re right about that her actions are making him feel heroic and needed. 
And, you’re absolutely spot on about us not being intimate is the real issue here. I do love him more than anyone else, but after all these years, my drive for sex is not as strong as it used to be. It does make me sad to think that the sparks are fading. 
And, I know that he’s not sleeping with this person. He despises people who’d do such things.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Hotaru said:


> I’m pretty sure that her intentions are not to steal my husband from me, I know she’s genuinely feeling lost and needs someone to give her good advice, but you’re right about that her actions are making him feel heroic and needed.
> And, you’re absolutely spot on about us not being intimate is the real issue here. I do love him more than anyone else, but after all these years, my drive for sex is not as strong as it used to be. It does make me sad to think that the sparks are fading.
> And, I know that he’s not sleeping with this person. He despises people who’d do such things.


Maybe not yet.

The longer he acts as her father (and she clearly has daddy issues) and confidant, the more emotionally bonded they will become, and all it takes is one slip of the hand on a knee, or a hug where one turns their face a little too much and all the emotional stuff can turn physical.

He may be totally not intending for any of that to happen, but it still could happen. And the probability of this happening is greatly increased when you two aren't intimate.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> That's great!
> Same question of course, do you have frequent intimate times with H, specifically do you and he have sex frequently? If not why?


We have not had sex in several months. Neither of us just hasn’t initiated, probably out of fear of getting disappointed to be told ‘no’.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Maybe not yet.
> 
> The longer he acts as her father (and she clearly has daddy issues) and confidant, the more emotionally bonded they will become, and all it takes is one slip of the hand on a knee, or a hug where one turns their face a little too much and all the emotional stuff can turn physical.
> 
> He may be totally not intending for any of that to happen, but it still could happen. And the probability of this happening is greatly increased when you two aren't intimate.


Oh.., you guys are scaring me… Do you think it would be possible when she’s like 6.5 tall and kind of big and loud, and he is like 5.5 and bolding with most hair that’s left is gray?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Hotaru said:


> I’m pretty sure that her intentions are not to steal my husband from me, I know she’s genuinely feeling lost and needs someone to give her good advice, but you’re right about that her actions are making him feel heroic and needed.
> And, you’re absolutely spot on about us not being intimate is the real issue here. I do love him more than anyone else, but after all these years, my drive for sex is not as strong as it used to be. It does make me sad to think that the sparks are fading.
> And, I know that he’s not sleeping with this person. He despises people who’d do such things.


I completely understand you can lose your sex drive. It's just that


Hotaru said:


> I’m pretty sure that her intentions are not to steal my husband from me, I know she’s genuinely feeling lost and needs someone to give her good advice, but you’re right about that her actions are making him feel heroic and needed.
> And, you’re absolutely spot on about us not being intimate is the real issue here. I do love him more than anyone else, but after all these years, my drive for sex is not as strong as it used to be. It does make me sad to think that the sparks are fading.
> And, I know that he’s not sleeping with this person. He despises people who’d do such things.


I completely understand that people slow down on their sex drives and I'm glad your husband is understanding believe me. If you read enough on here you'll see that a whole lot of them are not. I hope everything is just as you think it is. He very well could be just that ethical. Many law enforcement people are.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Hotaru said:


> Oh.., you guys are scaring me… Do you think it would be possible when she’s like 6.5 tall and kind of big and loud, and he is like 5.5 and bolding with most hair that’s left is gray?


For many women, it's about the emotional connection - it's what they find attractive. My wife almost left me for a guy that was 5 foot 4. I'm 6 foot 2. 

I don't want to scare you TOO much, but you are best to find some more intimacy with your husband, however you can. It doesn't even need to be intercourse, but more hand holding, rubbing, cuddling, romantic dinners. Don't focus on this woman too much - it'll backfire. Focus on your relationship and just keep a little bit of an eye on her, just in case.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Hotaru said:


> We have not had sex in several months. Neither of us just hasn’t initiated, probably out of fear of getting disappointed to be told ‘no’.


If two are M, and if no one can even bring up sex for months, something else is horribly wrong.

You may want to be less butt hurt, and initiate every day, to see how it goes. Grow some thicker skin.

Won't even try? Really?


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> For many women, it's about the emotional connection - it's what they find attractive. My wife almost left me for a guy that was 5 foot 4. I'm 6 foot 2.
> 
> I don't want to scare you TOO much, but you are best to find some more intimacy with your husband, however you can. It doesn't even need to be intercourse, but more hand holding, rubbing, cuddling, romantic dinners. Don't focus on this woman too much - it'll backfire. Focus on your relationship and just keep a little bit of an eye on her, just in case.


Yeah that is a good idea. I need to stop looking for a reason to have a problem in our marriage. It might be just that we’re going through a rough patch and in need of a repair.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If two are M, and if no one can even bring up sex for months, something else is horribly wrong.
> 
> You may want to be less butt hurt, and initiate every day, to see how it goes. Grow some thicker skin.
> 
> Won't even try? Really?


I know it’s stupid, right? I think both of us are a bit neurotic and think way too much.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Hotaru said:


> I know it’s stupid, right? I think both of us are a bit neurotic and think way too much.


Do you want to have sex in your life? That's the question.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Do you want to have sex in your life? That's the question.


I do, yes. It always makes us feel closer and happier when we do, and I know it’s very important for us to feel connected mentally and physically.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Hotaru said:


> I’m pretty sure that her intentions are not to steal my husband from me, I know she’s genuinely feeling lost and needs someone to give her good advice, but you’re right about that her actions are making him feel heroic and needed.
> And, you’re absolutely spot on about us not being intimate is the real issue here. I do love him more than anyone else, but after all these years, my drive for sex is not as strong as it used to be. It does make me sad to think that the sparks are fading.
> And, I know that he’s not sleeping with this person. He despises people who’d do such things.


 You really need to talk to your H and find out what is happening both between the two of you and with the other woman.

My wife recently retired from a lead position at a large organization. She had been there and hired many of the people that worked for her. With the pandemic things got really crazy where she worked. She no longer had the energy or will to deal with all the problems, especially those dealing with reduced funding. Even after two years since she retired, she still gets calls from people she use to supervise to ask questions on how to try to get things done. She also gets invited to group lunches, where old friends share stories. At times when she hears some of the things people are putting up with and the lack of leadership and support they get, she feels very guilty for retiring. Yet, she knows it was the right decision. The point is your spouse may feel some sense of responsibility (and guilt) for no longer being at his PD Chief position, where he shielded people from politics and craziness. Find out if that is what is going on with him.

When you talk to your H, tell him that you understand how stressfull his past job was and that you support his decision to have left. Tell him that you understand his loyalty to those who worked for him and that you like and admire this woman. But also tell him, that even if it is not justified, you can get jealous and have feelings of insecurity that he talks to her so much. You just need reassurances from him that you have no reason to be jealous and that you can trust him. Make sure you tell him that you have personal boundaries and that you will not stand for any emotional or physical affairs and you expect him to honor his vows of marriage.

Then tell him, you want to become intimate with him again. Ask if the two of you might want to start some marriage counseling sessions just to put everything back together. Tell him that you miss the intimacy and closeness you use to feel.

Good luck.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> You really need to talk to your H and find out what is happening both between the two of you and with the other woman.
> 
> My wife recently retired from a lead position at a large organization. She had been there and hired many of the people that worked for her. With the pandemic things got really crazy where she worked. She no longer had the energy or will to deal with all the problems, especially those dealing with reduced funding. Even after two years since she retired, she still gets calls from people she use to supervise to ask questions on how to try to get things done. She also gets invited to group lunches, where old friends share stories. At times when she hears some of the things people are putting up with and the lack of leadership and support they get, she feels very guilty for retiring. Yet, she knows it was the right decision. The point is your spouse may feel some sense of responsibility (and guilt) for no longer being at his PD Chief position, where he shielded people from politics and craziness. Find out if that is what is going on with him.
> 
> ...


Also you said that he goes to church. If he resists counseling maybe he would agree to talk to his pastor? With or without you if that is what it takes?


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Erudite said:


> Also you said that he goes to church. If he resists counseling maybe he would agree to talk to his pastor? With or without you if that is what it takes?


Yeah, he actually talks to his pastor all the time. They are good friends, and the pastor knows me as well. I was a photographer at his son's church ceremony, even though I'm not one of his congregations, he supported my creativity and invited me to take the photos. 
He helped my husband make a decision to move on from his last job. I wouldn't be surprised if they already had numerous conversations about our marriage.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> You really need to talk to your H and find out what is happening both between the two of you and with the other woman.
> 
> My wife recently retired from a lead position at a large organization. She had been there and hired many of the people that worked for her. With the pandemic things got really crazy where she worked. She no longer had the energy or will to deal with all the problems, especially those dealing with reduced funding. Even after two years since she retired, she still gets calls from people she use to supervise to ask questions on how to try to get things done. She also gets invited to group lunches, where old friends share stories. At times when she hears some of the things people are putting up with and the lack of leadership and support they get, she feels very guilty for retiring. Yet, she knows it was the right decision. The point is your spouse may feel some sense of responsibility (and guilt) for no longer being at his PD Chief position, where he shielded people from politics and craziness. Find out if that is what is going on with him.
> 
> ...


Thank you. Your wife's retirement situation sounds very much like what is going on with him. He was the leader at one point so feels guilty when hearing there is no leadership at the old place. I think he is an extraordinary person, but he has some issues. 
I've talked to him, or more like complained to him about these things before, but I was probably too upset to convey what I was really trying to say. 
I will try talking to him when I'm calm.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Hotaru said:


> I've talked to him, or more like complained to him about these things before, but I was probably too upset to convey what I was really trying to say.
> I will try talking to him when I'm calm.


Good thinking


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hi Hotaru,
I also moved to the US from another culture to be with my exH and felt like I became a new person because of all the adaptations I made to live here, so I understand your feelings and perspective. I've read your posts and some things resonated with me, and I have to echo the posters who caution you about the potential for an inappropriate relationship even though you do not see this young woman as a threat.

Some men do indeed love hero worship and are extremely flattered by the attention of a younger woman, and will lie to your face about it. Your instincts are alerted for a reason, don't dismiss them or allow him to minimize your concerns.
I don't know your husband, but I thought I knew mine until he showed me a completely different face, he was that good a liar.

I voiced my concern within a month about a 19 y/o he hired and mentored when I heard too many mentions of her and she started giving him things to bring home. Granted my experience is different, my ExH had an EA several years before and dismissed my concerns as paranoia and insecurity.

Anyway, we were also sexless (his choice), he cited all kinds of excuses; work stress, midlife crisis (he wasn't happy with his career choices), but the truth is that he was no longer attracted to me, but to his new worshipper and I got tired of being rejected and didn't force a confrontation until I discovered an affair.

You might think she's too young to be a threat and he's not attractive enough for her to be interested in, but she sounds really screwed up and vulnerable to any positive male attention, especially from a man she respects and feels safe with. While it's admirable to want to help, he's not qualified to do so, unless he's a licensed therapist.

She is no longer his employee, why does he feel responsible for her? Why does he make "jokes" that he wishes she were his wife? Why is he so understanding about your lack of desire? I don't like what you've laid out, and caution you to nip things in the bud now, and stop being afraid of confrontation.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

TXTrini said:


> Hi Hotaru,
> I also moved to the US from another culture to be with my exH and felt like I became a new person because of all the adaptations I made to live here, so I understand your feelings and perspective. I've read your posts and some things resonated with me, and I have to echo the posters who caution you about the potential for an inappropriate relationship even though you do not see this young woman as a threat.
> 
> Some men do indeed love hero worship and are extremely flattered by the attention of a younger woman, and will lie to your face about it. Your instincts are alerted for a reason, don't dismiss them or allow him to minimize your concerns.
> ...


Hi TXTrini, it’s really nice to hear from someone who can relate to my experience with an adoptive hometown. Thanks for your post. I’m warned and will be cautious without being paranoid. I’m sure her name will be mentioned soon enough. Yesterday, I was extremely sad because of an argument we had, and out of frustration I told him it would probably be better if I walked away and let her live with them. He said “Oh not this again…” I think by now he must have some clue that I’m not so thrilled about her becoming a part of our family. She has other friends and own family. If he does not get it, I will let him know as diplomatic as possible. 

My H is not okay with our lack of intimacy, neither am I, but we just haven’t given ourselves enough time or effort to resolve the issue. We just need to be brave and face the issue together.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hotaru said:


> Hi TXTrini, it’s really nice to hear from someone who can relate to my experience with an adoptive hometown. Thanks for your post. I’m warned and will be cautious without being paranoid. I’m sure her name will be mentioned soon enough. Yesterday, I was extremely sad because of an argument we had, and out of frustration I told him it would probably be better if I walked away and let her live with them. He said “Oh not this again…” I think by now he must have some clue that I’m not so thrilled about her becoming a part of our family. She has other friends and own family. If he does not get it, I will let him know as diplomatic as possible.
> 
> My H is not okay with our lack of intimacy, neither am I, but we just haven’t given ourselves enough time or effort to resolve the issue. We just need to be brave and face the issue together.


I understand too well. I also am introverted and didn't make personal friends beyond work after 15 years. I still feel like a stranger in a strange land most of the time and found myself starting over from scratch alone. TAM has been a lifeline for me, I've met great people who helped me develop confidence to make friends and a few good friends too!

You say your husband doesn't pick up the slack at home, so you can pursue your interests, but maybe you should reconsider doing things perfectly and carve some time out for yourself and just go do them. 

One hard lesson I learned is you can bend over backwards for someone who will never appreciate you, who will only see and admire what you lack. For example, wishing he was married to a 7ft Goddess. He obviously admires her, why is that?

How were you when you two met? Were you as domestic and family centric, or did you pursue your own interests when you two lived in Japan? Obviously you had the home advantage then, he has it now. Maybe it's time to implement what TAM calls a 180 and start rebuilding your self-confidence. Who knows, maybe your lack of desire for him is the result of too many unsaid things and built-up resentment.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I can guarantee that this woman would not have had this level of access to your husband if he were still on the job. Who would she have gone to for support in that case? Since people at your husband's church already know about her, why can't she discuss this with the pastor?

Someone in this situation needs to develop some boundaries - you, your husband or the whiner.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

I have to get some work done, and I need to digest the advices above, so I will be back. Thanks!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i am not going to guess what is going on between your husband and this younger woman. it is probably nothing.

but YOU need some friends!
How about joining a health club and doing exercise or yoga classes. a couple times a week, and you will get to know the other women in class, and likely form some friendships. Upstate NY, yes it is hard to form a new friendship, but when you do, they become a friend for life! So it is worth the effort.

Other ideas, check out Meetup.com for people who have hobbies similar to yours. Maybe you can teach a class in Japanese cooking. Or maybe join a cooking group. Or some group on some other hobby you are good at, or want to learn.

also, how about evening classes at a college or university. Maybe there is a campus nearby?


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

TXTrini said:


> I understand too well. I also am introverted and didn't make personal friends beyond work after 15 years. I still feel like a stranger in a strange land most of the time and found myself starting over from scratch alone. TAM has been a lifeline for me, I've met great people who helped me develop confidence to make friends and a few good friends too!
> 
> You say your husband doesn't pick up the slack at home, so you can pursue your interests, but maybe you should reconsider doing things perfectly and carve some time out for yourself and just go do them.
> 
> ...


You've read my mind!! I have resentment towards him for not taking initiative for planning or cooking dinner and expects me to do so. It's so frustrating when all he says is "ahhh, I don't know." or "hmm" and don't say anything else. Or, he says "do you need help?" and if I ask to do something, he says "can we have this instead?" and just walks away. I do feel like I did my share of chores while he worked as police and worked the day/night shift and planned things ahead so it would not interfere with his sleep requirements or have the food ready for him to eat before the night shift and take extra for later. 
To be fare though, he vacuums, writes checks for taxes and other bills that are not set up for automated payment, and takes care of home and care maintenance, which I appreciate because those are things that I'm not good at being on top of, well except vacuuming. 
It sounds though, I have a list of first world problem, and it makes me feel embarrassed to even mention these things. 

You're right, I think I just need to start doing things I enjoy instead of stewing over things. When we were in Japan, we used to go out together more. I often think that I used to be much more independent and just did more things. This small town I live is beautiful but can be suffocating sometimes.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> I can guarantee that this woman would not have had this level of access to your husband if he were still on the job. Who would she have gone to for support in that case? Since people at your husband's church already know about her, why can't she discuss this with the pastor?
> 
> Someone in this situation needs to develop some boundaries - you, your husband or the whiner.


She should definitely talk to the pastor for guidance, and she did. The pastor was appalled by the assholes at the PD, and unfortunately they are in charge. My H can't help her, she doesn't want to leave her job, so there is a limit to what can be done. I'll talk to him how I truly feel when we spend time with her. He might be disappointed but he needs to face it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Hotaru said:


> she doesn't want to leave her job,


Well, there you go. She needs to suck it up and stop whining to a guy who can't do anything about it. She's choosing to be in her position and could apply for a job elsewhere. Not your husband's problem and not yours.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Talker67 said:


> i am not going to guess what is going on between your husband and this younger woman. it is probably nothing.
> 
> but YOU need some friends!
> How about joining a health club and doing exercise or yoga classes. a couple times a week, and you will get to know the other women in class, and likely form some friendships. Upstate NY, yes it is hard to form a new friendship, but when you do, they become a friend for life! So it is worth the effort.
> ...


Hi there! Thanks for the suggestions! I was actually thinking about visiting the local skatepark when the snow is gone, I will probably get lots of stares, but there is this one trick I really want to learn, so I might ask someone to teach me that.
Also, I was thinking about looking for a teacher who can teach me more about the music software and the midi player I use, so I'm not so struggling with them.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Hotaru said:


> Hi there! Thanks for the suggestions! I was actually thinking about visiting the local skatepark when the snow is gone, I will probably get lots of stares, but there is this one trick I really want to learn, so I might ask someone to teach me that.
> Also, I was thinking about looking for a teacher who can teach me more about the music software and the midi player I use, so I'm not so struggling with them.


there is NOTHING that teaches you more music than to join a band.

Find a band that needs a keyboard player, and start practicing with them! What type of music...that is up to you!


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Here it goes, he’s on the phone right now…, will see how long it’s going to be. She’s the one whose doing most of the talking, but he’s agreeing and definitely engaged in the conversation.
It feels very dirty and ugly to be like this, and particularly I feel like I’ve created this situation in my head but my gut feeling tells me otherwise and that she likes being in the drama.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Hotaru 

Here’s the way I see it: marrying someone is committing 100% of your affection, companionship, and loyalty to your spouse. Most vows even say something about “…forsaking all others.” Well 100% means that *0% *is available for others!!!

And at this time at least some percentage of your husband’s loyalty is to this other lady officer, because you’ve said you’re not comfortable and he brushed YOU off…not her!

At least some percentage of your husband’s companionship is to this other lady officer because he’s on the phone with her right now instead of giving his time to you and to the marriage.

At least some percentage of your husband’s affection is to this other lady officer because you’ve told him this much interaction is hurting you and causing resentment (which is a love-killer) and he keeps on focusing on her anyway.

I think this is teetering on the edge of infidelity and he better either wake up and end this, or he may end up killing the marriage!


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

He’s still on the phone, bloody hell, I’m going shopping!!


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hotaru said:


> He’s still on the phone, bloody hell, I’m going shopping!!


Treat yourself to a nice dinner and don't bring a thing back for him!


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Thank you everyone who gave me valuable advices and just let me have a headspace to clarify things. 

Last night after my daughter went to sleep, I asked if I could talk to him, asked him to be completely honest, and I may say things that he might not like. He knew what it was about. We agreed on few things and disagreed on other things, but I was very straight forward about what bothered me and stuff seemingly got between us. And, the fact that our marriage was not at the prime and was time for a serious repair. 

He denied any romantic interests for her and said in his view, there is absolutely no correlation between her situation and my concerns but seemed to understand his ability to help her is making him feel good and useful. He also said it was a bit old-fashioned of me to be upset over him having a female friend. He did agree that the lady seemed to like being in a drama. I'm really not sure how this is going to be next time I see her or calls him, he said she was in a relationship with her co-worker, also. 

I think this was a good place to leave for now as I was starting to feel that he was being resistance to my observation (assumption, in his words). I believe I planted a seed by stating my very strong reservation about this lady. I'm going to trust him and his judgement, honesty has always been one of our strengths. 

This forum gave me a perfect place to reflect my feelings, learn how to approach our core problems, and just to talk anonymously to someone, and I truly appreciate it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So. he didn't think there was anything wrong with spending two hours on the phone with the girl that he could have spent with you and/or your daughter? Does your husband really not have a life?


Hotaru said:


> He also said it was a bit old-fashioned of me to be upset over him having a female friend.


Don't buy into that attempt to shame you. She isn't his friend - she is using him and your husband feels flattered. I can guarantee that your husband would be seething if he saw you talking to another man for two hours, inviting him over for dinner and expecting your husband to entertain him.


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

Hotaru said:


> I did ask him exactly that, if he would do the same for a male officer, and he said he would absolutely do the same. I also asked him if he’d support me had I done the same for a young man, and he said he would.
> But, I mean dudes don’t really get into to this type of situation, and they wouldn’t keep someone else’s spouse on the phone for two hours, and they wouldn’t have come see him crying. One male officer does call him, but it’s always short.


HERE'S THE THING: your husband is telling you what you want to hear. What is he going to say? You are right and I am giving this woman too much attention? He is not going to do that. I'm not saying he is cheating. I don't know. I will say that this is EXACTLY what my husband did while he was pursuing women. He would agree with whatever I said. He would tell me he was working hard, doing his best, mentoring, making important contacts. He would make me feel like the jerk for questioning him. He was, after all, such a good guy and just trying to do his best for his family and his coworkers. You are looking for answers, and he is going to tell you want you want to hear. That will allay your fears for a time, but they will come back. You can't force your husband to come clean (mine never did even when presented with material evidence of an affair) and maybe he does not even see that there is something to come clean about.

I want you to remember that many people will use whatever space their partner gives them to keep guilt off their own conscience. My husband used my insecurity and temper. I would get mad because he was not present in the marriage, and he would make me feel like it was all my fault because I got mad. That gave him the space to continue, as I would feel horrible because I lost my patience with him and work to get back into his good graces. As it turned out, he was not present in the marriage because he was looking for my replacement. I had reason to be mad. He took those things and made me feel horrible - this took the guilt off him and basically made it all look like my fault and that I was a little nuts. My point is, you are not crazy. You feel something is missing and you are reacting to it..

Good luck.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Does this woman also text or email, message your husband? If she does, ask your husband for his phone so you can see the messages for reassurance. (Take the phone on the spot, don't give him time to delete stuff) If he is decent and not doing things he shouldn't be, he will let you go through his phone. If he starts to argue etc etc etc that's not a good sign. We may all need some reassurance once in a while. Someone who is doing nothing wrong shouldn't have a problem with that. My ex husband needed reassurance a couple of times during our marriage, I gave him my phone, ipad, pc. He had all my passwords and I had his. I checked his just once after he had worked away, and he checked mine twice in 11 years.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Does this woman also text or email, message your husband? If she does, ask your husband for his phone so you can see the messages for reassurance. (Take the phone on the spot, don't give him time to delete stuff) If he is decent and not doing things he shouldn't be, he will let you go through his phone. If he starts to argue etc etc etc that's not a good sign. We may all need some reassurance once in a while. Someone who is doing nothing wrong shouldn't have a problem with that. My ex husband needed reassurance a couple of times during our marriage, I gave him my phone, ipad, pc. He had all my passwords and I had his. I checked his just once after he had worked away, and he checked mine twice in 11 years.


Thanks. He actually had told me to look at the text exchanges when this all started back in around September of last year because he was trying to tell me how appreciative she had been, but I really didn’t feel like doing that. It felt too invasive, and it still does. But maybe perhaps, I’ll ask him to show me the exchange now, as you said, for reassurance. 
He said people whom he trusts including his dad and the pastor, are telling him that he’s doing the right thing by being a positive figure in the ladie’s life and having her over for dinner and such, but they do not know that our marriage is not in a great shape right now, and I don’t believe he’d ever share that with them. 

It makes me rather sad because it feels like he’s taking an advantage of my lack of support or friends and chooses not to see the prospective if the situation flipped.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Last night, he said we should talk and asked if this could be reduced to a trust issue, if it could be all about if I trust him or not, I said, no it could not be reduced to only that, it is more about him getting so involved in the drama while his own mental health is still fragile and not taking my concerns seriously and pretty much ignoring me. That ended up with me reading the text exchanges he had with her. There have been nearly everyday encounter, most days more than once, between him and her since the mid-August. The content was mostly his constant "Hey, I'm just checking in. How're you doing?" or "Do you have time for a chat?", invitations to go to church or for a walk, and her letting him know how scared and sick she's feeling, complains after complains of the people who she deals(works) with, and him commenting on them in the condescending ways. They are like teenagers *****ing about some people they dislike. My name was mentioned only twice by him out of about hundred days worth of texts. He tells her how excited my daughter gets after she sees her, and lets my daughter text with her. There was one message when he said "we love you lots", I don't think he meant "we" with me in it. I could tell he absolutely cares so much about her...

I told him he broke our trust, and I was disgusted, called him a name, which I regret. I laid on my couch awake all night, crying a few times. I was so sad, and he still denies that he has feelings for her, they were just friends. WTH is wrong with him? 

I was just too concerned about those messages, there are red flags all over the place, so I called his Dad this morning, and we spoke. It was the first time I talked to his Dad about my H this way so he was very surprised, but he was happy that I was comfortable talking to him and advised to talk to the pastor, who knows all of us.

I think this is really damaging to my daughter, too. She said "I don't like when you fight..", and she's seen us argue enough times. That is what bothers me the most. 
This is too much to handle, and I really need help...


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Yikes. While he's not "cheating" per se, he's certainly prioritizing this relationship despite your concerns, and that's a problem. 

Who typically initiates the texting? Who is the one checking in? There is ZERO need for him to initiate if he is just a sounding board for her constant drama, or being her mentor.

At this point I'd tell him that he needs to cut this way back, or you'll have to start making hard decisions about your life.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Yikes. While he's not "cheating" per se, he's certainly prioritizing this relationship despite your concerns, and that's a problem.
> 
> Who typically initiates the texting? Who is the one checking in? There is ZERO need for him to initiate if he is just a sounding board for her constant drama, or being her mentor.
> 
> At this point I'd tell him that he needs to cut this way back, or you'll have to start making hard decisions about your life.


He is always the one who says, “ Hey, I’m checking on you. How’re you doing?”
I did talked to the pastor, and he said my concerns are valid, and he agreed that the boundaries seem to be missing, and he’ll talk to my H. Meanwhile, he asked me to not get angry at my H and try to be a listener for him, which I will try my best but extremely difficult,


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Hotaru said:


> He is always the one who says, “ Hey, I’m checking on you. How’re you doing?”
> I did talked to the pastor, and he said my concerns are valid, and he agreed that the boundaries seem to be missing, and he’ll talk to my H. Meanwhile, he asked me to not get angry at my H and try to be a listener for him, which I will try my best but extremely difficult,


When you had your discussion with your husband (before you read the texts), did either of you talk about your lack of sexual intimacy and connection? Because that is a huge piece of this, I believe. You have acknowledged in your earlier posts that you both want and need that connection, but no one is making the effort to restart the intimacy.

What could be happening is that without that between you, which is what makes a marriage more than "just friends" to eachother, he is getting his emotional and intimacy needs met by interacting with this other woman and being there for her and feeling special to her. 

At the same time, you are feeling ignored and pushed out (because you are), and you are losing your connection to eachother. And I believe there is an inherent danger here without the sexual part functioning the way it is supposed to between two loving partners.

Sex might be the very last thing on your mind right now, but it could be that your MARRIAGE needs you to both engage and connect sexually with eachother again.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Hotaru said:


> He is always the one who says, “ Hey, I’m checking on you. How’re you doing?”
> I did talked to the pastor, and he said my concerns are valid, and he agreed that the boundaries seem to be missing, and he’ll talk to my H. Meanwhile, he asked me to not get angry at my H and try to be a listener for him, which I will try my best but extremely difficult,


When I read your posts, it seems that nobody feels this is urgent except you. Your H is being way too measured about it, and seems the pastor is too.

My take is that this isn't the pastor's job. It's your husband's job to help his wife feel safe. He's not doing that, and it's kind of pathetic that it would take a pastor to convince him. But hey, if that works, great.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> When you had your discussion with your husband (before you read the texts), did either of you talk about your lack of sexual intimacy and connection? Because that is a huge piece of this, I believe. You have acknowledged in your earlier posts that you both want and need that connection, but no one is making the effort to restart the intimacy.
> 
> What could be happening is that without that between you, which is what makes a marriage more than "just friends" to eachother, he is getting his emotional and intimacy needs met by interacting with this other woman and being there for her and feeling special to her.
> 
> ...


Thanks, yes we talked about our lack of sexual intimacy and disconnect. And, he insisted that problem has nothing to do with his support and friendship for her. But, I don’t know if I buy that. His messages to her and from her have so much more affection than the ones to me.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> When I read your posts, it seems that nobody feels this is urgent except you. Your H is being way too measured about it, and seems the pastor is too.
> 
> My take is that this isn't the pastor's job. It's your husband's job to help his wife feel safe. He's not doing that, and it's kind of pathetic that it would take a pastor to convince him. But hey, if that works, great.


I hope he would wake up but I have a feeling that he won’t, and I’m the one who will have to continue to work on this and struggle.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

I think we’re okay now, and I once again would like to thank all of you who reached out to help me and support during one of my loneliest times. 
Both of us became quite angry at each other, however in the end, we decided to walk towards each other instead of walking away from it. 
MyH agreed that he was consumed by his old job and now realizes that the relationship with the officer became more unprofessional because he didn’t actually work with her and needed to have more boundaries. 
He agrees that we can not protect her from her life and is a huge responsibility to be her family away from family as she thinks we are when she is under so much stress.

You know what? I think this actually brought us closer, and I’m actually grateful for that. After 20 some years of marriage, we’re definitely still learning. Thanks everyone!!


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Hotaru said:


> Kind of a long background story- my husband and I have been married for 22 years. We have one daughter, a pre-teen. Both of our interests are to do the best things for our daughter. We have differences in our personalities but very similar perspectives about life and value, but we often argue about so many things and lately I feel lost. After living in the US, I feel like I should have a close friend who I can talk to, but living in the small town makes it difficult to meet people whom I can spill my guts out without backfiring myself, and I can’t afford to pay for a therapist.., so here it goes.
> 
> We met in the dorm of a university where I was studying in the ESL program and he was majoring Japanese. We fell in love and decided to live together in Japan while he was there as an exchange student and came back to the US and have been here since. We live in a small town in NY where he grew up. I work from home in health care, and he switched his career last September. He has worked in a police dept. for 15 years but the tremendous stress from the job was effecting his health, so he finally left the very toxic environment and started working in a school district, which he loves very much.
> 
> ...


I am seriously not trying to be rude. But I feel like you know exactly what is going on and are in complete denial.... This lady comes into your home, they get high off of conversation, and you are cooking for them???? 

Sit him down and say you left the job because of the horrendous stress. Why are you still subjecting yourself to this? You owe them nothing ! Let them use their mental health crisis hotline or pay a therapist themselves. 

Also tell him this lady makes you feel extremely uncomfortable and she is no longer welcome in my home.

This smells to high heaven of emotional affair stench.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I am seriously not trying to be rude. But I feel like you know exactly what is going on and are in complete denial.... This lady comes into your home, they get high off of conversation, and you are cooking for them????
> 
> Sit him down and say you left the job because of the horrendous stress. Why are you still subjecting yourself to this? You owe them nothing ! Let them use their mental health crisis hotline or pay a therapist themselves.
> 
> ...


Thanks! No you’re not being rude at all. It was absolutely maddening to hear and read their interactions. I eventually completely lost my cool, said many ugly things I had in my mind to him. We were on the edge of irreparable marriage crisis. We were so furious at each other. He was mad at me not being able to trust him, and I was losing my mind because I couldn’t make him see what was happening. We really blew it all up one time (had to whisper-scream because it was after our daughter went to sleep ), but it had to be done.
He agreed with me at the end, and he’s done helping her. She did call him last night but he showed me his phone screen and made a nervous face and didn’t answer it. He’ll have to explain why he can’t help her anymore at some point jus to be decent, but I don’t think we’ll be seeing her like we used to anymore.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You should show her a link for online psychologists and tell her he's got to get back involved with his family and is out.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Hotaru said:


> Thank you everyone who gave me valuable advices and just let me have a headspace to clarify things.
> 
> Last night after my daughter went to sleep, I asked if I could talk to him, asked him to be completely honest, and I may say things that he might not like. He knew what it was about. We agreed on few things and disagreed on other things, but I was very straight forward about what bothered me and stuff seemingly got between us. And, the fact that our marriage was not at the prime and was time for a serious repair.
> 
> ...


You seem perfectly normal and reasonable, but somewhat naive. Having a 25 yr old woman on the phone all the time and over at his house so much that his daughter has become attached to her—there’s your dead giveaway that this is inappropriate. If your daughter is getting attached— OF COURSE your husband is. Forget what he says. “We are just friends” is classic BS. Look at his ACTIONS. He’d rather talk and 
time with her than you……
He always has time for her…,,,How about you?

What I suggest is this:
Blow up his world by filing for divorce. Force him to act like a reasonable person, force him to start pursuing you. Force him to CHANGE his attitude toward you and rebuild your marriage. And if he won’t, carry through with the divorce. A long term pattern of behavior is it going to change in a person without some trauma. 
Last of all (I’m uninterested in excuses) if he’s not having sex with you, he’s getting it elsewhere or has a major health/psychological problem. Either of these is a divorcible situation. I’m in no way trying to encourage divorce, only suggesting you use the threat to force him to deal with the situation internally or let you go.

you don’t deserve to be miserable the rest of your life, waiting on this guy to come around.
If he won’t make an effort to get you back, he’s not worth your effort.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Hotaru said:


> Thanks! No you’re not being rude at all. It was absolutely maddening to hear and read their interactions. I eventually completely lost my cool, said many ugly things I had in my mind to him. We were on the edge of irreparable marriage crisis. We were so furious at each other. He was mad at me not being able to trust him, and I was losing my mind because I couldn’t make him see what was happening. We really blew it all up one time (had to whisper-scream because it was after our daughter went to sleep ), but it had to be done.
> He agreed with me at the end, and he’s done helping her. She did call him last night but he showed me his phone screen and made a nervous face and didn’t answer it. He’ll have to explain why he can’t help her anymore at some point jus to be decent, but I don’t think we’ll be seeing her like we used to anymore.


Just read this. I wanted to clap out loud! You did good.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hotaru said:


> Thanks! No you’re not being rude at all. It was absolutely maddening to hear and read their interactions. I eventually completely lost my cool, said many ugly things I had in my mind to him. We were on the edge of irreparable marriage crisis. We were so furious at each other. He was mad at me not being able to trust him, and I was losing my mind because I couldn’t make him see what was happening. We really blew it all up one time (had to whisper-scream because it was after our daughter went to sleep ), but it had to be done.
> He agreed with me at the end, and he’s done helping her. She did call him last night but he showed me his phone screen and made a nervous face and didn’t answer it. He’ll have to explain why he can’t help her anymore at some point jus to be decent, but I don’t think we’ll be seeing her like we used to anymore.


That's a wonderful development! Good on you for acting to nip this **** in the bud now. Keep it up and stay on course, though. After a bit of doing it, he may very well get complacent.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Hotaru said:


> Thanks. He actually had told me to look at the text exchanges when this all started back in around September of last year because he was trying to tell me how appreciative she had been, but I really didn’t feel like doing that. It felt too invasive, can’t be too invasive when one’s spouse has lacked intimacy for months. Don’t be naive.and it still does. But maybe perhaps, I’ll ask him to show me the exchange now, as you said, for reassurance.
> He said people whom he trusts including his dad and the pastor, are telling him that he’s doing the right thing by being a positive figure in the ladie’s life and having her over for dinner and such, they are NOT very wise and thoughtful men, you should remember that if he seeks that “pastor’s “ advice in the future. Just flat out terrible advice.but they do not know that our marriage is not in a great shape right now, and I don’t believe he’d ever share that with them.
> 
> It makes me rather sad because it feels like he’s taking an advantage of my lack of support or friends and chooses not to see the prospective if the situation flipped.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Hotaru said:


> I think we’re okay now, and I once again would like to thank all of you who reached out to help me and support during one of my loneliest times.
> Both of us became quite angry at each other, however in the end, we decided to walk towards each other instead of walking away from it.
> MyH agreed that he was consumed by his old job and now realizes that the relationship with the officer became more unprofessional because he didn’t actually work with her and needed to have more boundaries.
> He agrees that we can not protect her from her life and is a huge responsibility to be her family away from family as she thinks we are when she is under so much stress.
> ...


I’m late to this thread….. wanted to say ditto to the poster that said you need to stay vigilant when a spouse carrying on like you’re husband has abd is agreeing with you……

actions. Watch his actions. No interest in the bedroom? No interest in planning trips or nights out with you (spending real tine with you as a couple)???? Then your relationship is NOT ok, for whatever reason. But I wish you luck.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> Just read this. I wanted to clap out loud! You did good.


 Haha, yes I just read your post, too! Thank you for your compassion! It means a lot.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m late to this thread….. wanted to say ditto to the poster that said you need to stay vigilant when a spouse carrying on like you’re husband has abd is agreeing with you……
> 
> actions. Watch his actions. No interest in the bedroom? No interest in planning trips or nights out with you (spending real tine with you as a couple)???? Then your relationship is NOT ok, for whatever reason. But I wish you luck.


We resolved that problem as well like a storm! We’re how we used to be, but more mature this time. We couldn’t get our hands off of each other when we first met. Thank you!!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Hotaru said:


> We resolved that problem as well like a storm! We’re how we used to be, but more mature this time. We couldn’t get our hands off of each other when we first met. Thank you!!


Very happy for you. I hope you will post in a few weeks and say that everything is going well and your family and you feel while again.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

TXTrini said:


> That's a wonderful development! Good on you for acting to nip this **** in the bud now. Keep it up and stay on course, though. After a bit of doing it, he may very well get complacent.


Thanks TXTrini! This is mostly because of you guys, everyone here, who continuously encouraged me to trust my gut feeling and get to the bottom of this. I’m certain that we’re still in the same **** if I didn’t talk to you guys! Thank you!!


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## NorthernGuard (Jul 29, 2021)

Hotaru said:


> Thanks! No you’re not being rude at all. It was absolutely maddening to hear and read their interactions. I eventually completely lost my cool, said many ugly things I had in my mind to him. We were on the edge of irreparable marriage crisis. We were so furious at each other. He was mad at me not being able to trust him, and I was losing my mind because I couldn’t make him see what was happening. We really blew it all up one time (had to whisper-scream because it was after our daughter went to sleep ), but it had to be done.
> He agreed with me at the end, and he’s done helping her. She did call him last night but he showed me his phone screen and made a nervous face and didn’t answer it. He’ll have to explain why he can’t help her anymore at some point jus to be decent, but I don’t think we’ll be seeing her like we used to anymore.


Be on high alert OP. Don't become complacent now. Your husband IS without question in an emotional affair with this woman and acting as her white knight and saviour. A very difficult habit to break when these "white knights" know the "damsel" is still in distress and calling out for her "champion" to "rescue" her. The numerous long phone calls and all those texts and constant contact shows a deep level of connection between them that I don't believe either are going to give up so easily as you seem to think. She relies on him heavily and has her hooks in deep, and he seems addicted to rescuing her from her problems, and I don't for one moment believe they're going to let it go, just like that, just because you're uncomfortable and acting "irrational" over their "platonic" friendship.

They're likely going to take this underground, because she still needs him so badly, "needs savings" and he still wants to "rescue" her. And, regardless of what your husband is telling you right now, he still feels this way, and thinks you're overreacting. He's placating you. And any outside influence you get to apply pressure to end this? Well, those people missunderstand too, because clearly they're viewing it through the lense of what you told them you think is going on, and your perception of their "friendship" is tainted by mistrust (ie: jealousy).

She's very emotionally needy where your husband is concerned and not going to walk away quietly, and I doubt he'll so easily "abandon" her in her time of need (which it seems, is always). She "needs him" and his "help" and "support". And he truly wants (and prob even feels he needs) to be there for her. He's been putting her needs and feelings above yours, and your marriage, even after you made it known to him you were uncomfortable with it, to the point of you having to bring in outside help to try and set him straight. They're like a couple of drug addicts, and very, very few addicts quite cold turkey when confronted. They just learn to hide their addiction better from those who may be hurt by it.

I mean, they're "just friends", right? You just don't understand. They're "friendship" is missunderstood. And clearly you have it all wrong and have "trust" issues. So, to save you from stressing unneccessarily, they'll need to take this on the down low, for your sake, you see?

It's a slippery slope your husband is on, and if I had a dollar for every time I've read a "were just friends" and I'm offering emotional support to a coworker explanation written, I'd be rich. They end up being/becoming physical relationships. Even if its not physical at this point, all the signs are pointing in the direction, that it will be. You may think the age gap, or your husband's "looks" mean that hasn't or will never happen, but you'd be so very wrong. This and other infidelity forums prove it happens ALL THE TIME. The strong emotional bond and deep connection they share should wipe the notion right outta your head that it won't get physical, even if neither went into it with that intention. They always say they NEVER intended for it to be that way. One thing led to another and before they knew it, it "JUST HAPPENED" 

Not sure if anyone has recommended, Shirley Glass' "Not Just Friends" book to you. You need this book! And you need your husband to read it with you and get it through his thick damn skull that what he's doing is NOT in any way ok, and in no way acceptable for a married man to act if he wants to stay married! This "friendship" needs to be completely severed and ended, now! No "letting her down easy" by "easing out of it slowly"! 

Done...Finished....Over! No contact!!! She can go see a therapist if she needs an ear to listen to her problems, or her family or a girlfriend if she needs a shoulder to cry on! How your husband reacts to this will tell you a lot. If he becomes pissy and resentful with you it speaks volumes on which woman in his life is his priority. On the flip side, if he acts all fine with it don't let your guard down. Either way I think they'll take this underground. Remember, its time to go into stealth mode. Eyes open, mouth shut, and put your detective hat on. I think your gonnna need it.

Good luck, OP. I wish you well.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You should show her a link for online psychologists and tell her he's got to get back involved with his family and is out.


If I ever see her again, I will do that. But the chances are very small!


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hotaru said:


> Thanks TXTrini! This is mostly because of you guys, everyone here, who continuously encouraged me to trust my gut feeling and get to the bottom of this. I’m certain that we’re still in the same **** if I didn’t talk to you guys! Thank you!!


You're welcome. I wish I'd come here when it started in my marriage, maybe I wouldn't have wasted 10 years of my life.

I think you should pay attention to what NorthernGuard said above and be proactive and vigilant keeping him in line until you're sure he didn't just take it underground and gotten more shady with contact. I.e. calling her when he's not home when he can't be observed.

I see the same mechanics, rescuing a damsel in distress to boost a weak ego. So be careful and don't you get complacent either and drop off your part of the marriage (sex).


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

The only thing I can suggest now is, since it appears to be nipped in the butt. Just move on from it. Dont bring it up in the future during an argument or as a guilt trip. 

I say that because a good friend of mine does this to his wife and she does it to him. As an outside viewer, I can tell they aren't going to last another year or two.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think what happened to your husband is that he lost his identity when he stopped being a cop. So I think he's grateful for anyone who helps him hold on to that a little and makes him feel useful like the job did. I think maybe he needs to find another job where he feels useful like himself, even if it turns out to just be volunteer works.


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## NorthernGuard (Jul 29, 2021)

Hotaru said:


> If I ever see her again, I will do that. But the chances are very small!


Yes you're probably right that YOU won't be seeing her anymore. But your husband? I highly suspect he will be seeing her. You just won't be told about it. It'll be their little secret. I missed the part you wrote about the recent lack of sex in your marriage. This doesn't bode well for you, and what's been going on with them, I'm afraid. That along with her emotional neediness and clinging to your husband, and your husband's white knight syndrome? Not good. Don't fall for this sudden turn around by your husband and sweep this under the rug thinking all is well now because he's having sex with you, paying you attention, and she's (supposedly) gone from your life. I believe even more so now, regardless of the attention your husband is now showing you, that you need to keep quiet and keep a watchful eye open. 

Act like as far as you're concerned, after he goes no contact, that it's done with and over. Let them get comfortable again thinking they have you convinced they don't interact anymore. Get a couple of VARs (voice activated recorder) and hide one in his car, and one wherever he talks most in the house (for when you go out and he's home). That's likely where and when he'll talk to her seeing as he can't do it in front of you anymore. You need to know the truth of what you're dealing with. Please don't make the colossal mistake of thinking it's all good now because you and your husband talked it out and came to agree on boundaries. Doesn't mean squat. 

Cheaters involved in affairs, be they physical and/or emotional, lie and manipulate, alot. They're also secretive and deceitful, and love to gaslight you. And men especially are very good at compartmentalization. They take things underground when busted outright, or even if they're just called out for innapropriate behaviour and boundary crossing by their suspicious spouses. And yes, whether your husband (or you) believes it or not. He IS cheating on you. The only question is to what degree. Emotional cheating is still cheating. 

If you wanna get some VARs let us know and we can recommend what ones and how you go about installing them so they're not discovered. These are for your own personal use only and never to be revealed. You never reveal your sources of info. They're not for use in court proceeding or for anyone other than you to listen to, to be able to confirm if this "friendship" is well and truly ended, or what it entails.


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## NorthernGuard (Jul 29, 2021)

I don't see where I can edit my post so just wanted to clarify that the sentence after I wrote that men are good at compartmentalization, where I write "they take things underground, etc" makes it appear as though I'm still talking about men. I should have used the word "cheaters" instead of "they", as I was referring to cheaters as a whole, not just men, there. Hope this makes sense lol.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think what happened to your husband is that he lost his identity when he stopped being a cop. So I think he's grateful for anyone who helps him hold on to that a little and makes him feel useful like the job did. I think maybe he needs to find another job where he feels useful like himself, even if it turns out to just be volunteer works.


Yes, he really did. He was a cop for 15 years, that’s a big chunk of one’s life. He wanted to do something important and was very good at it. He has a university degree, while nobody in the dept did, and he knew how to talk to people who were in extreme distress, saved many people’s lives. He used to get cards from people all the time. He said when he was helping her, he felt useful. He had a vision of how the dept would be when he became the chief; community oriented, closely working with the mental health professionals, zero use of physical force.. etc, but he couldn’t take the stress anymore, a lot of stress came within the dept and the police culture. He said he was lonely as a chief, dealing with emails all day. 
He often says he might be damaged forever, and it’s heartbreaking. I think there absolutely should be more resources and direct support for the police officers’ mental health but there isn’t, one has to really seek for it. They are living with PTSD just like many soldiers do.
Sorry, I went on a tangent here! I’m really hoping that he can find a peace in his mind.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Hotaru said:


> Yes, he really did. He was a cop for 15 years, that’s a big chunk of one’s life. He wanted to do something important and was very good at it. He has a university degree, while nobody in the dept did, and he knew how to talk to people who were in extreme distress, saved many people’s lives. He used to get cards from people all the time. He said when he was helping her, he felt useful. He had a vision of how the dept would be when he became the chief; community oriented, closely working with the mental health professionals, zero use of physical force.. etc, but he couldn’t take the stress anymore, a lot of stress came within the dept and the police culture. He said he was lonely as a chief, dealing with emails all day.
> He often says he might be damaged forever, and it’s heartbreaking. I think there absolutely should be more resources and direct support for the police officers’ mental health but there isn’t, one has to really seek for it. They are living with PTSD just like many soldiers do.
> Sorry, I went on a tangent here! I’m really hoping that he can find a peace in his mind.


I know. I was fully invested in an old career of mine and underwent a really big depression when that was over. It's not that I didn't have some other identities but that was my priority for decades. It left a huge void. When you have your whole life tied up in something and a living and breathing it and then it stops, it's just rough.

He had a really tough job with lots of complications and in an era when it's tougher than ever before. It was his dream and vision and he did it. I hope he comes to a place where he can hold on to that he did do it and did accomplish it and own that. But he's going to have to find something else to do that also fulfills him.

Do you know if he's had any ideas? I mean even something is small and simple as being a boy scout leader or youth counselor might help him and them. Some retired police get into security or become a private detective. He might even consider a different branch of law enforcement such as border security or Homeland Security. I don't think he's going to be able to sit around and do nothing without getting himself in more trouble!


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I know. I was fully invested in an old career of mine and underwater a really big depression when that was over. It's not that I didn't have some other identities but that was my priority for decades. It left a huge void. When you have your whole life tied up in something and a living and breathing it and then it stops, it's just rough.
> 
> He had a really tough job with lots of complications and in an era when it's tougher than ever before. It was his dream and vision and he did it. I hope he comes to a place where he can hold on to that he did do it and did accomplish it and own that. But he's going to have to find something else to do that also fulfills him.
> 
> Do you know if he's had any ideas? I mean even something is small and simple as being a boy scout leader or youth counselor might help him and them. Some retired police get into security or become a private detective. He might even consider a different branch of law enforcement such as border security or Homeland Security. I don't think he's going to be able to sit around and do nothing without getting himself in more trouble!


He actually works as a TA at a school, with students with special needs. He loves it. He always said he should have been a teacher while he worked as a police. He loves the positive and cooperative environment the school has, he was so happy when the staff said “Good morning” to him when he went there the first time! I think it’ll take him a while to get used to not being the boss but I know he appreciates the whole different level of humanity. The students like to talk to him so much that they are asked to be quiet by other teachers sometimes.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Hotaru said:


> He actually works as a TA at a school, with students with special needs. He loves it. He always said he should have been a teacher while he worked as a police. He loves the positive and cooperative environment the school has, he was so happy when the staff said “Good morning” to him when he went there the first time! I think it’ll take him a while to get used to not being the boss but I know he appreciates the whole different level of humanity. The students like to talk to him so much that they are asked to be quiet by other teachers sometimes.


That's great that he's already found something he loves. It does seem like that would be enough interaction and drama to where he didn't need anymore.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Insecurity is a ugly thing. 

He hired her

He left her to the wolves

He feels responsible and guilty for abandoning her. 

I get it, I was over my guys in the service. Leadership puts you in the position of caring for those under you. It doesn’t end when you leave, especially when you left someone behind in trouble. 

You just made him break one of his core valves, being there for someone in trouble. Congrats. 

Was he cheating?

Or 

Was he being there for someone in trouble?

Like I said, insecurity is ugly.


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## Hotaru (Apr 3, 2012)

ABHale said:


> Insecurity is a ugly thing.
> 
> He hired her
> 
> ...


Oh really? I don’t see it that way at all. And, I don’t appreciate your sarcasm. Don’t congratulate me if you’re not sincere. They crossed the line of being professional. He needed to move on, and she could, too. He was suffering. Have you ever asked your wife to drive you to the ER because you thought you were dying?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Hotaru said:


> Oh really? I don’t see it that way at all. And, I don’t appreciate your sarcasm. Don’t congratulate me if you’re not sincere. They crossed the line of being professional. He needed to move on, and she could, too. He was suffering. Have you ever asked your wife to drive you to the ER because you thought you were dying?


I couldn’t ask really when she did take me. I couldn’t put the words together. I then collapsed in the parking lot when we got there. 

No sarcasm on my part.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Was he cheating?

Was he having sex with her?

Was he telling her what he wanted to do to her if they ever did get together?

Did he ever proclaim his undying love for her?

Or

Was he trying to help her like I do with my own daughter and a few of her girlfriends. You see these girls never had a father figure. Then over the years I kind of started being that father figure. One of them actually had me talking to the guys that asked her out like I did with my own daughter. 

Friends we care about, we actually ask them if they are ok when they are going through troubled times. 

Your jealousy and insecurity is the issue. Why do you believe your husband would cheat?


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## NorthernGuard (Jul 29, 2021)

Hotaru said:


> Oh really? I don’t see it that way at all. And, I don’t appreciate your sarcasm. Don’t congratulate me if you’re not sincere. They crossed the line of being professional. He needed to move on, and she could, too. He was suffering. Have you ever asked your wife to drive you to the ER because you thought you were dying?


Glad to see you're not gonna take the insult. As they say, take what you need and leave the rest. Emotional cheating is cheating! And just read Shirley Glass' book, "Not Just Friends" (and also the many numerous posts on this and other infidelity forums) to see how this scenario (loose and innapropriate boundaries with coworkers of the opposite sex) plays out on all too many occasions. 

If you reversed this situation and it was your husband here making this exact same post, about you, in the exact same scenario with a younger male coworker, I highly doubt he'd be being told he was "jealous" and "insecure"! Good grief!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

NorthernGuard said:


> Glad to see you're not gonna take the insult. As they say, take what you need and leave the rest. Emotional cheating is cheating! And just read Shirley Glass' book, "Not Just Friends" (and also the many numerous posts on this and other infidelity forums) to see how this scenario (loose and innapropriate boundaries with coworkers of the opposite sex) plays out on all too many occasions.
> 
> If you reversed this situation and it was your husband here making this exact same post, about you, in the exact same scenario with a younger male coworker, I highly doubt he'd be being told he was "jealous" and "insecure"! Good grief!


Actually I would give the save advice. There are people in this world that don’t cheat if given the opportunity to. They are able to actually have friends of the opposite sex and keep it just as friends. There hasn’t been anything hidden, she has access to his phone. 

There are females on here that actually argued my point of view when the situation was between a wife and young man. He was call controlling and insecure.


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