# please help me out..



## peace-maker (Nov 23, 2011)

My friend has been married for a few years and has been having problems with her husband for a long time. He abuses her verbally and sometimes physically as well. He keeps doubting that she is cheating on him and harasses her for it. He doesn't work since more than a year now and depends on her for money. And instead of appreciating her for it he spend her money extravagantly and expects her to do all the chores after work. It has got so bad that my friend wants to divorce him now but he keeps threatening her that he will kill himself if she does and he had recently cut his wrist after a fight. 
That's not all, he just threatened to kill her if she leaves him. That got me worried. He needs her only for the money and reputation in the society. 

Can anyone please advice what can be done?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

They need to get into marriage counseling now. Then, he needs individual counseling. Given the abuse, she needs to address the marriage issues and his personal issues before she makes a move. But she needs to plan to get out of that relationship, unless she really wants to try and save it.

The counseling will help him mentally, and help her as well. Given his history of personal injury, I'd take the threats seriously.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Leave him. If he does do something to himself it's not her fault. Don't stay in an abusive relationship because of a threat.


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## jpc (May 8, 2011)

Okay, I'm sorry, but no. She is in a abusive and dangerous situation. A man who threatens to kill himself and her if she ever leaves him is a dangerous person to be around. In fact, this is one of the most statistically significant red flags for someone at risk for homicide-suicide. For example here is a link: http://www.speakoutloud.net/tag/homicide-suicide/

The reason I feel so strongly about this is because I was in a very similar marriage until I finally had the courage to divorce him earlier this year. My ex husband was controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive. We tried marriage counseling twice and it only made things worse. I've later read many resources that strongly discourage marriage counseling when one person is abusive to the other, since it tends to make the situation worse. Google it for yourself. When I finally did leave, my ex threatened to kill himself, saying he was out driving around looking to crash his car and maybe even kill someone else while he was at it. I called the police. They found found him at home, in his pajamas, gettng ready for bed. It was pure manipulation. The grand finale happened about a week later, after I still wouldn't get back together with him. He showed upmat my workplace one morning with cuts all over his wrist saying things like I was destroying him and it would me my fault if he killed himself. Well, I decided to listen to the police officers, counselors, and my attorney: Run away. This is the behavior of an abusive, unbalanced person who has no qualms with terrorizing someone to keep them around. I filed for divorce, a restraining order, and moved states. My ex husband is alive and well (so far as I know.) Now that I have a chance to look back at that time in my life, I think it was the best decision I ever made. Tell your friend to get out, and make sure she does it safely. Her husband is abusive and it's not worth the risk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

PeaceMaker, I agree with JPC that the situation is dangerous and MC likely will be a total waste until the H has had years of IC (which is very unlikely to occur). The behaviors you describe -- emotionally unstable, verbally and physically abusive, temper tantrums, unable to trust, lack of impulse control, self mutilation (cutting), and refusal to take responsibility -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). 

Only a professional can determine whether those traits are so severe as to meet the diagnostic criteria for having the full-blown disorder. Yet, even when the traits fall well short of that level, they can make her life miserable. I therefore would suggest that she leave -- suddenly and unannounced when she has some other people around. I also suggest you encourage her to read the book, _Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist. _It was released five months ago by the author of the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the spouses) called _Stop Walking on Eggshells. _

Further, I suggest that she start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com in the "Leaving a BPDer" message board. It is the largest BPD website targeted to spouses and family members like her. If you would like to read a brief description of BPD traits, please see my post in MaybeItsMe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. Take care, PeaceMaker.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When he says he's suicidal, call the cops. No kidding. They'll put him on a 3 day watch.

He's controlling her by doing this. Sick sick sick...abuse is sick.


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