# Years of lying..now honesty?



## chachaN (Sep 11, 2013)

This is going to be a long post, and I wish there was some way to cut it down but unfortunately there isn't. So here goes...

My husband and I met in middle school. After "dating" a few weeks on and off, I began seeing my first love. We broke up in the 9th grade, and my now husband who I will call Neil, jumped at the chance to ask me back out. I was very hesitant to do so, after just getting dumped. I decided to keep a friendship with him, so I didn't just use him and discard him. We quickly became best friends, we hung out more than I did with my boy friends. Over the course of the school year, he pleaded with me to date him...said he loved me and had loved me from the moment he saw me. I still wasn't ready. One night, we were sitting in his car just chatting when I reached for his phone and saw that there was a message from a girl in our school who I knew he had become friendly with. I questioned him on it. He said it was his cousin. I knew otherwise and called him out on lying to me. He came clean and apologized and said that he was scared I would be upset. 
Eventually we started dating, breaking up on and off thru out HS, for him to date other women all while I pined after him. 
After he graduated, me being a year younger than him, my first week back to school he dumped me. The summer had just ended and I spent a good amount of time with him, catching him texting another girl. He lied again about it and gave me some BS story.
Anyways, we break up. I would have done anything to get him back and he knew it. My father finally gave me sage advice and I DIDN'T take him back. As soon as he saw the attitude change he was all over me like bees on honey. I turned him down again and again, and eventually started dating someone else. 
Towards the end of the year, he and I started to become close again. He attended my Grandmother's funeral with me. After some time to think, I realized I wanted to give it another shot and I broke up with my current boyfriend. 
After graduation, I moved with him to begin running a business that his father in law owned. It was immediately a drunken mess. We were always fighting, sometimes physically..mostly it was emotional abuse. I think that all my pent up anger from years of being lied to and dumped just got to be too much. About 9 months after moving up there, I found out I was pregnant. I was pretty upset but he was overjoyed. We had talked previously about getting married, and now seemed like a good time to do it. Things were going great. I didn't find out until a year ago that he had developed a severe drug habit and ended up shelling out 10K. This went on for the first few months of my pregnancy without my knowledge before he cleaned up.
About two weeks before I delivered our daughter, we were sitting in a cafe eating. I was playing around on his phone, and at the time I didn't have FB. I was just messing around on his and I came across a message from a month before I got pregnant that was to a woman he had met thru the business saying "You make me wish I was single every day".
I was LIVID. I causally got up and walked out of the cafe and went to the car and drove off. About 10 min later he called me asking where I was. I told him what I found. He was very upset and tried to explain himself, saying we had been fighting a lot but that he was happy now. I picked him up and we went home where I began to pack my things and the baby's things. I told him I was leaving. He pleaded with me not to. I demanded that he tell me what else he was hiding from me. He told me some stories and I believed him. 
A few months pass, and I find out that he cheated on me during our HS years twice. One of these women I had expected, the other I had NO clue about. Again, I was pissed...but these all happened when we were dating.
9 months after I had our first child, I became pregnant again. He was working an office job and I was friends with quite a few people there, due to my Mom also working at the business. I get a message on FB that Neil and a coworker on another floor. They were talking all the time, getting eachother food, ect. 
I was at the mall with a few friends when I receive a text message from Neil (this text was supposed to go to his BFF)
saying "I want to stay friends with her but I know if (my wife) finds out she will kill her". WHAT THE HELL?! I flip out and call him. He didn't know at the time that I knew from his other co worker that he had been talking with her. 
I made him tell her off, and complain to HR. If this actually happened I do not know. To this day I wonder if an PA took place.
Ok...so fast forwarding a few years...ups and downs happened, threats of divorce, lots of fighting....all due to I believe my inability to trust him. I gained weight, and I felt unattractive. He would gain weight and lose it. It was just a mess.
We moved to a new town where he took a job working around the clock and his personality quickly changed. I hated not having him around all the time, and whenever he was home he was sleeping. He did nothing with the kids, and didn't help around the house. One day I went to pay some bills at the bank and I called him to ask if there was enough money in the bank to do so. He said "don't pay any bills just come home and talk to me first". I declined and ask why I should do that. He finally caved and told me that he had opened a seprate acct and I wasn't on it. I was so upset and hurt! How could he do this to me? 
We went on a one week trial sep. to see how things went and they were awful. He didn't come see the kids, hardly called...just a mess.
I finally moved back and things just got worse. A distance grew between us. It's now Dec 2012 and I am pregnant with our first boy. The pregnancy was incredibly hard on me. The hormones were outrageous. He was working at a job that I hated, it didn't pay well and he would come up with insane excuses not to find a diff job. Well one day I was on facebook and I noticed he had added a girl from work and this woman "liked" everything he posted. Neil could have literally posted "I just sh*t in my hands and clapped" and she would like it. I then went thru his messages on FB and they had been casually messaging about the most benign things. I was furious. I drafted up a very scathing yet mature response to all of these issues and posted it on is wall for all to see. I figured he had embarrased me enough. Well that caused problems. We talked about splitting, ect. Eventually after enough complaining he blocked her. Then he started talking about a woman at work that had children as well and she offered to babysit for free for us so we could go on dates ect. It was right before V-Day so I figured I'd meet her. We will call her "Hussy". Hussy seemed very nice, and I even went into a discussion about this other woman at their workplace and she agreed it was uncalled for and she could never do that to people and she resented people like that. Well, she babysits, we all hang out, her and I grow closer and talk. But she always blows me off, but can text my husband. I begin to grow leery. During this time it's now Mar 2013, and we bought a trailer that needed remodeling. Hussy was going to come help with a male friend of hers, but she flaked when apparently this male friends wife kicked him out of the house for texting Hussy too much. Hussy texted my husband and said "I don't know how I get involved in all this drama!?" 
I said to him, "Maybe if she made friends with unattached males she wouldn't have such a problem."
My bitterness towards Hussy grows. Neil is taking her in the car with him to go pick up lunch on break, having her come over, texting, ect. All this time I complain I feel like there is too much contact. At one point I had Neils phone and I noticed that only messages to her were deleted. He claims he was just trying to keep his phone memory low. Riiiiiiight. 
I could see this all coming from a mile away, like a slow train wreck. No one else could.
We move in Apr 2013 and Hussy helps. Tells me if I need help unpacking let her know. I don't need her help. 

3 weeks after moving in, I am 2 weeks away from delivering our son. My husband comes home from school at 11pm. He tells me he isn't in love with me anymore and is leaving. I flip sh*t. I start crying and throwing things. How dare he leave me with no money no car, 2 weeks before our son is born. He has be leave the house for 3 days so he can think, so I go up north with my brother. All this while we are texting and I'm trying to convince him to stay. When I get back from the trip, he is completely packed up, down to the books he had on the books shelves. He loads up his truck and leaves. 
I am distraught. My life has been torn apart. The kids are crying, I'm crying. I'm going to water this part down or else I'll never finish. Neil moves in with Hussy. What a shock. About a week after moving he comes back. He is here for the birth of our son. Then next day he is emotionally constipated. Doesn't touch me, doesn't touch our son, just sleeps and works. A few days later he leaves again. Rips my heart out. A few days later comes back and says that he wants to try to fix it but we should just start out as friends. Instead of staying here with me he goes to a concert with Hussy. During this time I filed for divorce and retained an attorney, while he also hired one. We kept postponing the court dates trying to figure things out. 
We are now at the end of May and I decide I'm going to try one more time to get him back. He says No.
A few min later he says maybe we should just live apart for a while and still be married but avoid contact. Ok I said.
Not a week later he is back home. He hasn't left since he came back. I initally was not going to ask if he had a PA since certain clues had confirmed it for me. This entire time he claimed he did nothing with Hussy. Finally I broke down and asked. I was starred at for about 2 min before I got a "yes". I asked a million questions and he answered them. I was so hurt. How could he cheat on his pregnant wife with this woman who would BRAG about how many men she had slept with? This woman is also not attractive in the least! He said he always wore protection, but one drunken night he admits to not using protection. I got an STD test and it was neg. 

Now I'm left with emptiness. He is home, I have access to everything, he says for the first time in our relationship he is being honest with me and he loves how it feels. He said he hated keeping secrets and having to come up with stories to cover up those secrets. He also said it was the lowest point in his life. He had never been depressed before and handled if awfully. He says he wants to be with me. But he doesn't seem to try. I clean, I cook. I never get asked "hey can i sexually do this to you?" it's always.."let's do it". No foreplay. I am now down to my HS weight and looking FINE. I feel like he did things with Hussy that he doesn't do with me, and because she is a Hussy she did things for him that I WON'T DO. He never lets me give him hickeys but he came to the house one day when we were split with one! 
I feel no love towards this man. I feel hurt and angry and resentment. I want to be in love again...but I almost wonder if both of us are just hanging on.

I will leave the post at that, but I will answer any other questions you have. I'm wondering...is it time to walk away? Or should I stay now that this man is potentially being honest and see where it goes?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

The question to you is; why on earth would you want to stay with this man? His disrespect and cruelty to you is beyond redemption. He obviously doesn't love you. He is not remorseful. 

If you think he's being honest with you, think again. Cheaters lie. That's who they are. Sometimes they mix the truth in to set up other lies, sometimes to manipulate, sometimes to assuage their own guilt. The man you describe is not telling you any partial truth because he is remorseful, or for the sake of your marriage. 

You deserve better than this a-hole. Head straight to divorce, don't look back, and go find a man with with some integrity.

And keep posting.


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## chachaN (Sep 11, 2013)

After he came back and stayed for a while we canceled the divorce. The question I keep asking myself is, if he could have stayed with this woman...and he could have..she didn't want him to leave...and she had $$, why would he come back here? We already had a custody arrangement for the kids...I'm so lost.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

There are countless reasons why he may have come back. But I'm almost positive none of them are noble. 

Sweetie if you take him back you'll be looking over your shoulder for the rest of his life. Every time he's half a minute late horrible possibilities will flow through your mind. 

I know the pain. I know the pull to be reunited with the one you love. But it's a death trap.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Frankly, after the wringer he put you through, his motivations for returning wouldn't sway me one way or the other. How could any man with a conscience abandon his pregnant wife this way.

You should be angry. Very Angry. And you should use that anger to fuel your resolve to leave him.


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## chachaN (Sep 11, 2013)

I am very angry. I'm hurt I feel betrayed, sad, empty, abandoned. I'm very torn right now. One minute I want to leave, and the next I want to stay and work things out. None of what I'm about to say condones his actions, but I am not perfect either. I was basically having an EA while he was having an EA with Hussy. He pushed me to that point, but I did it anyways. I have neglected him. It wasn't a perfect marriage.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

chachaN said:


> I am very angry. I'm hurt I feel betrayed, sad, empty, abandoned. I'm very torn right now. One minute I want to leave, and the next I want to stay and work things out. None of what I'm about to say condones his actions, but I am not perfect either. I was basically having an EA while he was having an EA with Hussy. He pushed me to that point, but I did it anyways. I have neglected him. It wasn't a perfect marriage.


... ... ...


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## chachaN (Sep 11, 2013)

Vanguard said:


> ... ... ...


I'm not sure what this means..


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

chachaN said:


> I was basically having an EA while he was having an EA with Hussy.


He was living with the woman and you think that it was only an EA? Did he tell you that? Please.

Look, right now you're in the BS fog. It's a place where you're hurting, and wanting the hurt to go away. The right thing to do seems counter-intuitive. Letting him back in your life may make the hurt go away temporarily. But this will pass; and then resentment and regret will follow it. 

Your anger can help make it pass quicker if you use it in the right way. Not to lash out at him, but to plan and execute your exit strategy systematically.


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## chachaN (Sep 11, 2013)

badmemory said:


> He was living with the woman and you think that it was only an EA? Did he tell you that? Please.
> 
> Look, right now you're in the BS fog. It's a place where you're hurting, and wanting the hurt to go away. The right thing to do seems counter-intuitive. Letting him back in your life may make the hurt go away temporarily. But this will pass; and then resentment and regret will follow it.
> 
> Your anger can help make it pass quicker if you use it in the right way. Not to lash out at him, but to plan and execute your exit strategy systematically.


No I meant that prior to him moving out, when he was in the stages of an EA with Hussy, I was pushed to have an EA as well.
After he came back, he admitted to it being a PA as well, and answered all the questions that I asked. It was hard to hear. But he answered them directly. Afterwards I walked away and he almost began to cry. He said that he knows he messed up awful and he doesn't deserve me but he is being honest now and wants to make things work. He said he wants to cut out all temptation and make big changes.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

chachaN said:


> No I meant that prior to him moving out, when he was in the stages of an EA with Hussy, I was pushed to have an EA as well.
> After he came back, he admitted to it being a PA as well, and answered all the questions that I asked. It was hard to hear. But he answered them directly. Afterwards I walked away and he almost began to cry. He said that he knows he messed up awful and he doesn't deserve me but he is being honest now and wants to make things work. He said he wants to cut out all temptation and make big changes.


I can see where you're headed, given your rationalizations. Look, if you want to try R with him I wish you good luck. There is a way to approach R that works the best - having to do with a temporary separation, implementing the 180, exposure, consequences, demonstration of remorse and so on; but honestly, I don't have the stomach to spell that out for you because I think you'd be making a mistake. Perhaps other posters will.


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## chachaN (Sep 11, 2013)

badmemory said:


> I can see where you're headed, given your rationalizations. Look, if you want to try R with him I wish you good luck. There is a way to approach R that works the best - having to do with a temporary separation, implementing the 180, exposure, consequences, demonstration of remorse and so on; but honestly, I don't have the stomach to spell that out for you because I think you'd be making a mistake. Perhaps other posters will.


At this point we have "reconciled". However, I'm not sure that this is what I want anymore. I want to be appreciated and loved. I want an honest relationship with someone. The only reason I'm giving it a try is because of our long history and he says this is the first time he has opened up. He says he wants things to be truthful this time. Granted they should have been all along. 
In order to get him to come back, I used the 180, and still do. I make him see that I don't NEED him to survive. That I am independent. I try to make myself desirable to him without coming across as desperate. I also put down some rules that he agreed to. We both have full transparency. 
Out of this thread I was hoping to hear from other people who have gone thru similar situations, and what worked for them and what didn't. Were their spouses similar to my husband? What was the outcome for them? I really don't know if I want to be here anymore. Sometimes I feel like we are just friends who have ok sex. The situation looks bleak right now..but I've held out hope thruout all of this, mainly from praying and this website. I hope you all can help me again. I've never been so lost.


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## rabbcfga (Sep 12, 2013)

His disrespect and cruelty to you is beyond redemption. He obviously doesn't love you. He is not remorseful.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

You are a true masochist if you stay in that marriage. It is the epitome of complete dysfunction.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

1. Cheaters stay in a relationship/marriage only if there are not enough suitable outside options.

2. To be honest in a relationship you need empathy. Cheaters don't have it. Empathy is not something that suddenly grows inside of you when a divine light shines upon you.

3. Happiness is a cheating spouse on the rearview mirror. A cheater is not a decent person's time and effort. Why do you want to stay with the WS? Why is the WS such a catch? Why is your worth so low?

4. File for divorce. Start IC asap with a therapist experienced in infidelity related matters.

5. Protect yourself financially.

6. You have enough self-esteem not to tolerate cheating. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

7. You deserve better and you can get better. You deserve to live free, free from the fear of being cheated on and free from a life of constant fear.

8. Your children need a role model, someone who will teach them acceptable behavior and boundaries. If you forgive and accept your WS's behavior, you will set up very bad examples for your children, and this will lead to further heartaches. 

9. You are responsible for your happiness. Never in future tie your own happiness with someone or something. It will lead to pain and sufferings. Happiness has to come from within.

10. Embrace the light, knowledge, and freedom. It will get better if you want to get it better.


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