# To all the BS...how were your first few weeks?



## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

It's only been a little over a week since DDay so I know my feelings are supposed to be all over the place, but I feel like I'm losing my mind. How can a person live with constant pain, betrayal and doubt? My husband is doing things to show he wants to reconcile but I have such doubt for his motives, his actions, his true feelings behind every word and every movement. How long before you started to feel some semblance of trust in their words and actions?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I couldn't eat, sleep, think, work, nothing. 

It was all I could do just to get the baby to daycare so I could think.

I was like that maybe a month or so...maybe longer. I know I couldn't eat for about 3 mnths (then he moved home).


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

I was actually pretty okay the first couple weeks after dday 1. 2 months before my wife had told me out of the blue she wanted a divorce. I had no idea things were
bad. She stayed living with me while I spent 2 months in hell trying to be the perfect husband. Trying to fix every little thing that she said I failed at in our marrige. I lost 35 lbs and was a mess. After dday 1 I was relieved. At least everything now made sense and I knew what was going on. After dday 1 and dday2 I went immediately into save/fix mode. Put a lot of blame on myself, forgae my wife instantly and so on. My real feelings didn't sink in till weeks later. It wasn't untill I found TAM that I really learned how to deal with this. Even though things are still a mess sometimes I feel strong because of what I've learned on here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

great diet plan, lost a ton of weight

see the doctor link in my signature and you'll see you're experiencing the same things we all did


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

AR, I swear it's like you can read my mind! I guess a lot of BS feel the same way in the first few weeks. I'm trying so hard to take care of myself physically because I'm 5 months pregnant but mentally I feel like a trainwreck. 

When did you demand your WS get STD testing? And at what point would all/most STDs show up on a general test?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well if you want to spend an hour reading my story, click the link in my signature, the biggest post affair fight we had was over std testing


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

First off, aqua, I am so sorry you are going through this, especially pregnant. That is so tough.

My path from DDay to now has been very interesting.

The first 10 days were the worst. Cried in public, ate about a meal every two days. Dropped 10 lbs (and I don't have a lot of weight to lose, to be honest). Spent time fighting/negotiating with my wife on things. I was mad, crushed, and scared. Most of all, it was a complete loss of safety and innocence.

From day 10-25, things were better. Wife established and maintained NC with the OM, had a big milestone birthday party with lots of friends, felt pretty good.

Then around day 25 was DDay 2. Cycle started again. Told my wife that was her last chance - if she broke NC again I would tell her to leave the house. My anger was worse the 2nd time around, but the fear was gone. I had a plan at that point.

After 2 months, we went on a romantic vacation to NYC, just the two of us, and it was magical and everything was right with the world for awhile.

Months 2-5 were solid improvement, but I was in full recon mode, checking up on her constantly, checking FB, email, phone stuff. Found nothing. Went to counseling.

Months 5-7 there was a plateau in improvement. Quit counseling. At month 7 I had a nervous breakdown because the constant monitoring and suspicion were driving me crazy. My WW was scaling back her efforts on the marriage. We then had a really great talk and I journaled everything that was bothering me, etc, and that was very therapeutic.

Month 8-9 has been okay since then. At month 9 now. I still thnk about what happened every day but I've backed off a lot on the monitoring for my own sanity. I'm thinking that if she wanted to talk to the OM, she'd find a way, and I'd eventually find out. So until then, I just put in my effort and enjoy my life. If I get burned again, I am at peace letting her go.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

DDay for me was January 24th.

I too am not eating, losing sleep and I swing from one emotion to the next by the minute. But the worst for me have been the thoughts of perpetrating violence on my WW. She is staying with her sister for now. That is a good thing, because if she had stayed in our house she would have _become part of the house _by now.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I kicked him out the day I found out and didnt' see him in person for over 2 months, so the first few weeks consisted of me just feeling quite numb for the most part. I had a huge major screaming meltdown at him the day I found out, and sent him quite a few scathing emails the first month, but we didn't talk. I cried a lot, slept a lot (unfortunately I didn't lose a lot of weight), worked, went home, watched TV, drank wine, dealt with the kids, did all the daily stuff, but I always felt like I was in a daze. I didn't start to come out of it till about the third month. By then we were in MC and I was seeing him once every couple of weeks for that. Month 4 we started 'dating', month 6 he moved back home. We had a second D day in month 8 and I spent another week crying, and it set our R back pretty much to the start, but since then things have been steadily improving.


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

Those first few weeks were the worst I had ever felt in my whole life. 

1)I didn't eat
2)cried when I got in the shower (I didn't want my 2 yo to see me cry)
3)had absolutely no energy for anything even waking up was a chore
4) dropped about 10 pds.
5) in a fit I threw out anything and everything he had given me in the last 3 yrs.
6) couldn't talk to him without getting heartbroken all over again
7) I felt worthless
8) all the mind movies!!! Kept imagining everyone that knew about the EA laughing behind my back whenever they saw me.
9) a lot of looking back and spotting the red flags.
10) feeling stupid for trusting so blindly

I am so sorry you have to go thru this while pregnant. I hope you choose to do what's best for you and your baby. (((hugs)))
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Basket case and walking around like a numb zombie. Feeling like a loser, feeling sorry for myself. Got sick of people telling me how sorry they were. Hating seeing couples out for dinner or on dates. 

Then one day, I woke up. And dedicated myself to self improvement.


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

aqua123 said:


> It's only been a little over a week since DDay so I know my feelings are supposed to be all over the place, but I feel like I'm losing my mind. How can a person live with constant pain, betrayal and doubt? My husband is doing things to show he wants to reconcile but I have such doubt for his motives, his actions, his true feelings behind every word and every movement. How long before you started to feel some semblance of trust in their words and actions?


Probably need to start with the idea that you may never trust him again. I'm starting to think that that's where a lot of the pain comes from - somewhere deep down, you know that you may never trust him again, he might do it again, and trying to cope with that uncertainty regarding the rest of your life is the backbreaker.

My guess now from my readings is that, like having dandruff or piles, people get used to it with time. But if I read correctly, even with the best intentions, the trust never really comes back completely.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

The first couple of months were really the worst for me. Not eating, not sleeping, consumed with worry and anger. Of course my WH was still talking to me and leading me on. By month three I couldn't deal with his lies any longer so I stopped answering the phone. Going dark has been extremely hard but I know it is for the best. Just the sound of his voice upsets me so I'm better off not hearing his voice or the stupid lies falling out of his mouth. After 6 months I still don't eat or sleep well but I am doing better.


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## CruxAve (Dec 30, 2011)

The first few weeks are pure hell. Your life has been turned upside down. I'm sorry your going through this during a time that should be special for you.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hell. You don't have to die to go there. Sure feels like it though.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It was a mixed bag. There were other things going on with his treatment of me, and finding out put things in perspective, and made me feel less crazy, like I could stop hopping and jumping to try to please him...his accusations of me cheating on him and so forth made more sense (i.e. gaslighting) and all the times he lied to me and accused me of having a trust issue, where I was struggling to overcome such trust issue, well, it just felt like I could be normal, and trust my instinct again, not have to keep over-riding it. 

It helped that he was far away.

The OW was more maddening because she used more words to lie and didn't know me as well and her version of the story was more anger-inducing, I was outratged that she thought she could get away with such a blatant lie. On the other hand, because it was so blatant, it was easy to send proof to her H of a relationship that pre-dated my dating my H and my marriage (which I think was an absolute farce, except for how I thought I felt for my H, which was GENUINE, so I know I can hold onto that part, nobody can ever take that away from me. There is no crime in being capable of a love so strong for another person that your mind overrides your instinctual knowledge of truth, to the point of nearly going crazy. Therapy helped me so that won't happen again, but I'm impressed at how far I went to try to hold onto my love for my H and my marriage while still working, parenting.) So whatever happened on her end I don't know. Not my issue. 

I had olanzapine left over from said bout of craziness (otherwise described as psychotic anxiety) that occurred during the peak period of lying, when I didn't know there was lying. And other abuse going on that I dismissed as my H being my H and believing his excuses such as 'he was only kidding', 'I had no sense of humor', 'I was too risk averse', 'I must have a boyfriend', 'that perfume came from such and such whatever and if you don't believe me then you don't trust me and we might as well get a divorce...' etc. So I took the olanzapine and that was a saving grace. I was already in therapy and my H was overseas so I was able to do the things for myself that I needed to do in order to slowly remove myself from the abusive relationship. I had another go-round and learned my lesson. But on the other hand, I gave it another chance. But it was the same relationship, same dance, different music with some of the same maneuvers. Just. Not. Enjoyable. Or. Healthy.

Sometimes I wish I still had olanzapine but I only got a month supply and the first time around had only used a couple weeks before I was back on my feet (doctors said they didn't know what was wrong with me, they did loads of testing to rule out all sorts of medical conditions and I went to a psychiatrist and told all, absolutely convinced the only thing abnormal about me is intelligence, intuition, and memory, as well as having an obscene body type that refuses to age normally, LOL) I used a bit more during the crisis of finding out he actually had been lying to me about this woman, and then trashed the rest because I was angry he'd let me go through the hospitalization and deal with tentative diagnosis of psychotic anxiety and did not come to the hospital or acknowledge that there was a reason why I could go crazy (his lying). Instead he went climbing with a friend for the weekend and left me in the hospital scared, but I did manage. I brought my knitting and a book and put up with the nurses treating me so gently and at arm's length and all the kind people who were really quite caring in doing all the tests and the teams of psychiatrists who came in, as well as the crazy old guy from down the hall who wandered into my room and was not a hallucination after all (I had to talk quite firmly at him to get him to leave because the nurse didn't come when I pushed the 'help' button...I guess thinking I was being overly anxious? :rofl: I can laugh at this now!)

Anyway, it was really awful, and a test of holding on to one's reality BUT HERE I AM. No olanzapine and a daily truth I can hold onto that is real. I live in a no-fault state so do not need to go through any crazy-making reality questioning hoops and so forth so that I can separate myself from this person who chose to mess with my perceptions and almost make me lose custody of my children and be psychiatrically committed. While. he. went. climbing. and. kept. his. mouth. shut. about. having. a. girlfriend. and. lying. about. it. while accusing me of cheating, suggesting threesomes, insisting on only using withdrawal or anal sex or just not giving me any sex and masturbating instead and then threatening abortion or abandonment if I got pregnant. I forgive myself for staying with him so long, and thinking that if I could show him that I trusted him and was not cheating that he would 'overcome his insecurities' about women and treat me better. He would say from time to time that I deserved better. That he did not know so much about woman, etc. Now, I agree with him. He did not know how strong a woman can be.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

It's been 2 1/2 years since finding out my "loving" wife of 30 years had a double life embedded with years serial cheating. She fooled everyone, almost... my grown daughter suspected and called me with her suspicions. 

That first month I truly was as someone above said a "Numb Zombie". All the emotions mixed into a bowl of betrayal and poured down your throat like some putrid vile poison. 

One thing that I really remember in detail was the feeling of helplessness. After 30 years, this woman beside me I thought was my confidant, my reassurance, my wing-man, in times of trouble. She was the only one I could go to with this level of pain. 

But, She was the one whose selfish, reckless, pre-meditated actions caused me to anguish... Helpless.


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

The first 2 weeks were utter hell for me. I didn't eat, sleep, couldn't work. I actually told my boss, and coworkers what was going on. sounds weird, but I needed the support system, and it helped. The constant friends/family checking on me helped me talk about it, and get some emotions out, that were bottled up. I lost a lot of weight. 

The following 2-4 weeks weren't much better cause she kept seeing the OM. Finally at about week 6 I woke up 1 morning, and said screw it! I am getting on with my life. I stopped worrying about where she was, who she was with, or what she was doing. I started putting myself first! I started having fun, and embraced I was getting a divorce. I started being a better person to myself, and my family and friends. 

After awhile, I think she figured out I didn't care about her, or what she did. 

thats when the 180 started with her. 

so to answer your question, the first few weeks suck azz. Eventually you will get to a point where you realize you need to worry about YOU! All I can say is when you get to that point, it will feel like a huge weight is lifted off your shoulders.


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## OKnotokay (Jan 19, 2012)

Heart broken? Check
Ashamed? Check
Self-loathing? Check
Afraid? Check
Feel worthless? Check
Bitter? Check

The rational part of me knows this is the low point and it will get better but every other part of me is convinced otherwise.

The self-loathing? Because I came on strong in the beginning but am weak and would let her stay to try & work it out (this after the 3rd D-Day inside three months) if she would only ask.

The self-loathing is there because she knows me so well and knows exactly what my weak points are and how to exploit them.

She's already moved on - next - got the apartment lined up, got furniture purchased for delivery and I get left holding the bag on an upside down mortgage and broken heart.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Alot of reflection and a constant empty feeling.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

Like all the others I was devastated, though I had been trying to confirm the affair for over a year, so immediately for me there was some sense of relief, that I was right, not insane. After that total devastation. I didn't go to work for 4 days, no eating etc. Our MC suggested the book "After the Affair"- I highly suggest it. The first chapter was like reading my state of mind exactly. It is normal to feel like you are literally loosing your mind. At one point, I thought a car was following me and starting chasing it. Your mind simply gets overloaded. It is very normal. 5-10 days out I went numb. I still am a bit. I don't even trust my own emotions, so I have somehow shut them off.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Just in the 2nd month from D-day. Jeremiah Weed helped me. It is a strong sipping bourbon. But My WS had to take me to the E.R. twice for too much alcohol. The alcohol helped the pain but it created other problems.

I am on the other side of the severe pain but it still sucks. I stopped drinking the booze.

My WS started calling me on Fridays as I left work. I work in another city, rent an apartment during the week and come home on weekends. She knew I triggered on the way home and by the time I got home I was drunk. I had to pass the bar where they first met, the hotels where they had sex and the OM's house, all along the road where I have to drive home. My WS would talk to me for hours as I drove home. I did not drink and did not arrive home drunk. My WS talked to me as I cursed her out as I drove by the hotels, OM's house etc and she just listened. She did this on her own. It helped.

Last week she started to give me baths. Sounds silly, but man it has worked. She would see me getting anxious and she said you need a bath. The first time she did it I was confused like what the hell is she doing. Again, she came up with this on her own. By the time she is done I am like melted butter. And the sex following it has been pretty good.


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