# Need womens help to solve riddle(s)



## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

So.
Many riddles I am hoping that some women out there can offer possible insight to help solve.

I am certainly in the prototypical HD (me) married to LD (my wife). And all the assorted angst that goes along with that. 
But was hoping to understand enough the curious blend of assorted actions/behaviors that are hard to understand. My extreme desire and hope in all this is to get us back in a good place. 

I love my wife. (very much) I want my marriage. And I want the closeness, affection, intimacy that we once had again.

Like many in this forum, our sex life started well. While the reality was that I had more experience and approached sex in a far more free and open manner, we really connected and it was passionate, hot, and often. As time went on (and after children) she seemed to “put sex aside” for the most part. We still had it, but there was almost no energy coming from her toward it any longer and the frequency began a long slow slide downward. 
Let me throw out some parts….

1.	Initiating. My wife simply does not initiate. Long ago there was a very little bit of that, but in all these years it literally still can be counted on 2 hands. I am left to initiate. That has left me wrestling with 2 wonders. Does this mean (perhaps obvious) that she does not desire sex? Me?(ouch) She has made a comment long ago that sex has just never been a high priority to her. 
The second issue here – is that when I DO initiate …most all times I am either rejected in a passive way (too tired, not feeling well, ect..) or – worse yet – in a more aggressive way. “You are “pushing” me. Now here is the thing. I LONG ago – stopped simply being natural. I the sense that if I looked at her on a weekend and had desire for her….I let myself approach her and initiate.
I now am keenly aware that it has to wait until it has “been a while” …and my approach needs to be (or to protect myself maybe) very round about and way open to her (hopefully gently (rebuffing me. So when she states she feels “pushed” I really do not know how to handle that. I certainly am not pushing her. Or she will say “we JUST had sex 2 weeks ago…!” “It’s ever enough”…

2.	Many curious issues have been a part of our sexual life that I cannot really understand. I want to throw them out there to see if anyone has thoughts.
In a discussion at one point she has said that “sex has always stressed her out”. 
She has - from the very beginning – seemed to always need alcohol prior to us having sex. 
It 99 percent of the time HAS to be completely dark in the room. (not a favorite of mine).
We have made love in the morning or day – approx. 2 times over many years.
Impulsive sex – has never been acceptable. It needs to be almost well stated I advance. In fact , even when we DO decide to go upstairs – the routine is – that she needs us to talk for many times close to 2 hours in bed – as she drinks 2-4 glasses of wine..and THEN I am always the one who begins by making a move toward her. IF I do “too soon”…she will say ..”can you please slow down…is this all you think about?” So there is this curious sense that we can never just run upstairs and just “do it”. It can almost never be “purposeful”…”intended”….it almost always has to be an afterthought. I realize this may be tough to explain…but it almost seems that if I showcase a purposed desire to her….it causes her stress.(??) But if I wait for her to make the moves…she never will.

I can go on…but to keep this post to some proper length, I am struggling with many confounds that just do not add up. 
My wife says she is committed to our marriage, loves me, and wants us to be together. 
But the lack of intimacy in our life together is truly killing me.

For me, I have had a very wonderful and happy sex life my entire life. It was always a positive force and shared may wonderful times. I must add that when I met my wife, 
I perhaps for the first time understood the notion that when you meet your soul mate – that one truly connected person – sex transcends to a very different place. Everything about her turned my on. Her mind, her heart, her soul. (and her physically. In fact she is perfect to me). It all still does. Which is why – the irony of this it almost too much to bear at times.

Hoping for some help to understand. 
Thanks you very much in advance....


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon nightmoves8
Unfortunately this sounds like a very standard HD/LD relationship - a utterly miserable situation. 

It sounds like she has always been LD which makes some medical or drug problem less likely as a cause. 

You can try counseling but if she follows the typical pattern she will get angry and not want to go because she doesn't think sex is important and thinks you are the one with a problem. 

I wish I had some useful advice, but I don't. Sometimes these situations get better (mine did -after 25 YEARS!) but very often they do not.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Hi Night - are you asking us ladies to explain why your wife is like this? What are you asking?


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## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

Hi Firebelly - 

Yes - I was trying to get a womens perspective and perhaps a better understanding as to what all of the behaviors may mean.
My goal is simply to both understand - and in doing so figure out what I can do to improve things (if anything)

Thank you


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

> My wife says she is committed to our marriage, loves me, and wants us to be together.


But she's not. She is committed to getting her needs met. She has BPD, untreated, and that means that she views almost every relationship in terms of 'what can you do for me today' type attitude. When asked to be mindful of your needs, she invalidates them right off the bat. In what universe is it acceptable for a spouse, man or woman, to have to jump through the extensive and complicated hoops you describe to get sex twice a month?



> I must add that when I met my wife,
> I perhaps for the first time understood the notion that when you meet your soul mate – that one truly connected person – sex transcends to a very different place. Everything about her turned my on. Her mind, her heart, her soul. (and her physically. In fact she is perfect to me). It all still does. Which is why – the irony of this it almost too much to bear at times.


And how long has it been since the sex was as you describe above? And how can the sex be so transcendental when you have to jump through so many hoops to make it happen?

I know you say you love your wife and want very much to keep your marriage and make it better. But take some time and answer this question...

Why do you love your wife?


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I think when women are like this it's because they haven't really tapped into their own sexuality and allowed themselves to be sexual. I don't know if there is anything you can do about that but I think a good place to start would be to say "I know we are both interested in having a good, fulfilling marriage. My idea of a fulfilling marriage includes intimacy in all its forms. For me sex is part of that. And the thing is, I think you could enjoy it too, but I'm not sure how to make that happen. Can we talk about how to achieve that together?" 

At least its a place to start. But I think you have to be honest that your lack of sex life is painful for you and if she isn't willing to talk to you about it, I would let her know that it's enough of a concern for you that you would like to go to marriage counselling.


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## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

Anon.

Well...thank you for that honesty. (I think...;-)

I am sure you probably think that next thing to might need to resort to is a 2 by 4 upside my head...lol.

In all seriousness - I very much hear what you are saying.

Yes...the sexual part of our realtionship at the beginning was good. And ..yes...that was a very long time ago.

Having said that...I must say ...that the "physical" part of the sex - the sex itself ...is still "good" for both of us.

Now- transcendental? uhhh...no. Not for a very long time.
And maybe (guessing) for her...sex may not have EVER held that for her in her life. I am guessing...no.

So - a very stupid question. (perhaps only a guy can ask stupid questions like these...)

IF - the sex is good. (she will say it is)...
WHY....does she then exhibit the facets/behavior I have described?

Is sex now a tool/weapon? Is it about control?
Certainly - I get that BPD factors in.
But - I am trying to understand it all.

For me - understanding is the key.
I really believe that I have gotten SO far down in all this craziness - that I need to step by step figure this stuff out.

I am a pretty successful, competent, confident, person in my "real life". 
But in this...I don't even trust myself anymore to figure it all out.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

> IF - the sex is good. (she will say it is)...
> WHY....does she then exhibit the facets/behavior I have described?


Not a stupid question at all. 

Remember the engulfment fear? How do you feel after transcendental sex? Completely merged, two become one, and all that romantic goo. If she fears engulfment, controlling the sex is her only option. No matter how fabulous it is, she must control it and dish it out only when she can take it.

Your needs will not ever override her fears. Not ever. The only thing that could change that need to control is if she gets help in recognizing her fears...and even if she went to therapy tomorrow it would take quite some time before she got strong enough to battle this fear.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

nightmoves8 said:


> IF - the sex is good. (she will say it is)...
> WHY....does she then exhibit the facets/behavior I have described?
> 
> .


Anon's answer is as good as any, not really knowing your wife, but in my opinion, she isn't experiencing the sex as that good. Which isn't to say you aren't a dynamo in bed, she just isn't letting herself REALLY get into it. From what you've said there is a part of her that thinks sex is dirty and she is probably conflicted about enjoying it too much.


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## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

Anon...
THAT IS EXACTLY what it feels like.

I just wrote a very direct reply..and sent...and it did not post...(geez!)

SO I will (now that I am all typed out...;-) tty to paraphrase.

So...it hit me.

Maybe I am trying to figure out all these behaviors/actions in a way one would if they were dealing with NORMAL.
I keep discounting or denying the BPD....

That said...the BPD sure ADDS to the confusion/illogical/absurd.

I re-read my posts and while the issues are absolutely put up in a truthful way. I try to be VERY accurate so as to get it out there and receive some genuine help.
The issues/topics/behaviors are VERY VERY confusing and PAINFUL.

BUT....I keep looking at this as aberrant in a NORMAL situation and with a rational person.
(now - I do not want anyone to assault me for the use of "normal" or "aberrant"... I am just trying to make a point)

IF - you agree - the question is WHY am I doing this?

Am i just in total denial?
Do I just want this to work so badly?
DO I just keep thinking if we have that ONE great conversation all will make sense to her and things will be good again?

Which I guess - brings me to the other thought this post provokes in me.

WAS the initial "good" times - real?
Is THIS the real??

Man - as painful as dealing with all this is....understanding it all...is equally painful...


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## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

Firebelly.

Thank you .
Very astute...and concerns or thoughts I have had for a long while.

At the first few years...I think she was - with me - experiencing a sort of burst of CHROMACOLOR in a world of black and white.
She kept saying she was amazed that sex could be this way. ETc..etc..

Then as our marriage began..and the kids arrived...she seemed to close off. She seemed to not "allow" herself to even dip a toe into the world of color.

There is NO doubt t me that her upbringing had a bunch of stuff in it. At a MINIMUM repression as you say. 
She had in later years ...derided sex as "JUST SEX"...in negative tones.
She even has spoke of sex as something she was told she ha dto dole out to keep a husband happy. A chore.
But I never hear or see a want for HER to see it as an unbridled great thing for HER to have.
She has even said at times...that the pleasure I am capable of giving her...she get a bit unsettled by. (??)

Its all crushing in manyy ways.

PS : Thanks for preserving a mans (my) fragile ego with the "dynamo caveat"...LOL


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Why are you so adamant about living in crazy town?

Why do you think that if you could just figure her out better, she might love you better?

Why do you love when you get so very little back?

Do you realize in all of your posts, you explain a situation in which your wife's behavior has caused you both shock (where the hell is this coming from?) and caused you to alter everything you do and say? While a good amount of this is normal in man woman relationships, we speak a different language lots of times, in healthy relationships it is a give and take with both spouses learning to more effectively communicate so they can better give and receive love. 

Why do you love your wife?

How does she show you she loves you?

Are you worthy of being loved by your spouse?


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder, right? Nothing I know anything about although mental illness is something I've dealt with as my mother is bipolar. 

Anon may be right that this is all part of the disorder. I haven't read any of your other posts and I am just going by what you originally posted here. And that sounds identical to the myriad other stories men talk about on this forum about their LD wives who don't have BPD. And my theory is that LD is not physiological. It's a result of our culture constantly beating it into our brains that if we admit that we like sex, we are sl*ts. And it gets worse when we're mothers because mothers are REALLY not supposed to like sex.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, I would sit my wife down and have a serious conversation with her. Simply ask her.

"Why is it that you don't care about me and make sure that my needs are being met".

After she replies, you tell her EXACTLY how you feel about the issues in your Marriage Intimacy.

Even show her this thread!!!

Regardless, I will tell you right now, she either starts caring and taking care of your needs....or this marriage is doomed in time.

Ask yourself, can I live like this FOREVER. If the answer is NO, I suggest you start taking steps NOW vs waiting "forever".

Give her a FAIR warning that you are thinking about ending your marriage if things don't improve. She deserves a fair warning!


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

nightmoves8 said:


> PS : Thanks for preserving a mans (my) fragile ego with the "dynamo caveat"...LOL


You're welcome. That's why I made sure to say it.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

DoF said:


> OP, I would sit my wife down and have a serious conversation with her. Simply ask her.
> 
> "Why is it that you don't care about me and make sure that my needs are being met".
> 
> ...


I've never agreed with this approach. I think it will make her shut down even more. I do think you need to be honest with her that this is damaging the relationship and could possibly end it, but if you lead with that, you are sure not to get anywhere.


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## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

Anon,

Ouch.

Can we go back to the initiating sex issue....(;-)

Seriously, I do understand where you are coming from.
(albeit it does leave me feeling a bit pathetic...)


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## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

Anon - 

So keep wondering about a question that you asked.

"Are you worth of being loved by your spouse?"

Might you explain what you mean or what prompted the question?

Thanks


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Worthy if being loved.

It was the hurdle that took me the longest. I felt completely disregarded and wasn't sure that what I wanted/needed from my husband was reasonable. I wasn't sure I was worthy of being loved the way I wanted him to love me.

My husband tends to be cold and is emotionally stunted. He withdraws and shuts down. It was in this state that we've lived the near entirety of our marriage. It was such a norm that I felt like my unhappiness wasn't as a result of his behavior but instead a result of my expectations being unrealistic. Coupled with the kind of abusive childhood I had, it took a while for me to even admit to myself I WANTED to feel loved...if that makes sense.

Was I reasonable to want him to say loving words to me? Was I reasonable to want him to express his admiration for me, to give me compliments, to say I love you, to be affectionate, to offer soothing words when I'm upset, to back me up with the kids, or even to offer to pamper me every now and then? Our marriage was utilitarian and everything had to have a clear purpose. 

You want your wife to love you as you love her. You give your wife your love and expect that she will, in turn, give you love. But she isn't. So you try to adjust your behavior so that she will start to give you love. And she still doesn't. So you try to figure out other ways to change things so that she will love you...and she still doesn't.

I came to this point 3 1/2 years ago. I had changed and changed and altered and altered and still no response. A gesture here, a word there...that was it.

Once I decided I was worthy of what I wanted and needed from him I too him I was done with trying and it was time to cut bait. THATS when he stepped up, then backed off, then stepped up, then backed off, then stepped up, then backed off, rinse and repeat endlessly.

Now I'm trying to figure out if I can be happy with the endless cycle.

It's a long road.

So, are you worthy of being loved? How much more can you adjust in order to feel her love?


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## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

Thank you Anon.

I understand.

You know what? I am so beaten down... I am ashamed to admit part of me actually read that as thinking I "may not be worthy of someone loving me"....(egad)

When those things happen to me...I wonder...what the hell has happened to me?

I maybe should be saying what is it about my wife that does not allow her to actually be intimate with another, love, touch, etc...

The HOOK or SPELL I have fallen under is to default that I am "not good enough". OR I am to blame for HEr not being able to be who "she is".

I have come to understand how pummeled I have been in this...but keep waiting for it to stop. 
I sometimes wonder if - now that the strategy was implemented...if it even can at this point.

In many ways - I have been painted for sure.
I almost have become involved in a zero sum game.
And I am the sum.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yes, like I said before, on this journey you'll see things differently and it can be shocking. Once your eyes are opened you can't close them back up again.

It's okay to stand still for a while.


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## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

Yes - believe I understand that.

It also causes some seemingly dramatic disturbance to the equilibrium. (;-)

Or better yet...maybe the eyes open does not...but it is MUCH harder or more upsetting when my wife does one of her erratic and irrational mood changes...(like this AM).

One day..no apparent immediate issues...next AM...like an entirely different person....

Wearing me out.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

The big thing is that you understand her behavior, though directed at you, is not really about what you did or failed to do. There are some ways that you could trigger her less often, but again, that's continuing her game of walking on egg shells.

It does get tiring though.


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## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

Thank you so much Anon.

I am experiencing actually an up-tick in her aggression, irrationality, and her rage/anger/vulgarity.

I never actually know WHAT triggers any of it anymore. I don't think what ever it is is external most times if that is even possible.

She sees most ANYONE against her. Me. The kids. the school system. It is like she believes anyone and everyone is trying to "shut her voice down"...or ..."are against her"...

It is like I am with someone who I do not even know anymore.


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## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

What might THAT mean???

Essentially, we had made love about 2 -3 weeks prior and things went well...so after a great day together I gently suggested we go to bed early that night...

After being rejected - again...AND rejected in a pretty angry manner - I attempted to have conversation with W.

It was a bit unnerving - and wanted some opinions as to what other may think it means.

She basically said that "sex has always really stressed her out".

She and I discussed a bit the HD/LD issue and she said that I need to just deal with it.
I said that I was doing my best to do that....but that she cannot get angry at me if once in a while I suggest we make love. 

She said that she felt if I asked i was pressuring her. 
I am FAR from pressuring my wife. I am OK with no.
But I am in a double bind in many ways...i I never ask...we never have sex.

I told her that how long is long enough to not ask that she will not feel pressure. She said she could not tell me that. But that I should be willing to wait a month...6 months...year if need be.

I asked her why she needed alcohol each time we have sex.

She said it helps calm her down. reduces her stress (see above).

Essentially she was then angry that I have suggested making love after having not fro about 3 weeks. Said - it stressed her out and she was not in the mood.

Then she said something that was odd to me.
She said that many times having sex is just gross to her. 
I asked "gross"?? What do you mean.

She said that many times it just stresses her out. "like a really young kid having sex and not being old enough to even know what it is ....then it is just a gross thing"....

Ok....so I really did not even know what to say at that moment.

It was not just the statement - it was the way that she said it ...that was a bit unsettling.


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## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

Yes it does get very very exhausting.

I am a person who really wants to understand...so things or people that make no real sense...REALLY are difficult for me.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

While it may not be a comfort, you should look at the statistics on how frequently people really have sex. This link is to the Kinsley Institute. Simply put, they study sex. If you want answers....

The Kinsey Institute - Sexuality Information Links - FAQ [Related Resources]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr. Fix it (Jul 31, 2014)

OP, get your wife a counselor! Put her back against the wall (figuratively speaking) The notion that a person can ask there spouse to wait as long as it takes for sex is crazy and extremely selfish. Sounds like it makes her feel good when she has the opportunity to reject you, its like she wants to hurt you to make herself feel better. If your only having sex once every few weeks your not married, your living with a roommate. Does she work? IF not, it sounds like she has it made! Why would she change? This is part of the economy of sex, what does she have to trade to get what she needs? She may not realize this, but she is setting you up for an affair, if she cares about you when she realizes this she will change, if she does not change she may be hoping you have an affair so she can devorse and look like the victim. 



Firebelly, you stated that the sit down talk approach does not work and I agree with you. But what other option does a guy have?


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## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

I can't remember if you said what age you were I am in same boat and have thought of two possibilities some women as they age have an increase in testosterone and decide to bat for the other team or put on a little weight and feel embarrased about their husbands seeing them naked
Tis sad that we all have our perfect partner out there just that most of us never find them


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

from reading your post it sounds very similar to my situation after speaking with a lot of different coaches and counselors and people that have experience I realized if perhaps its chemical or hormonal for someone to have a high or low sex drive especially with women it seems as though the stress in life and different factors play a part and how they feel hormonal E in situation it seems that between stress and changes in women's bodies affect their hormones when women get hormonal sometimes they say things they don't really mean or they try to figure it out on their own but if your body is off balance how would you be able to think or understand what its going through if you're off balance its like if you're hungry or tired you know your reality is kind of twisted in you start making things up so you know I think a lot of people go through life and they don't really look at all the factors they just sum it up the other just not into sex so that would be my advice is maybe she should get a check up to see how are endocrine hormones aside from looking at our conversation around sex and what sex means to her because perhaps she had a painful experience when she was different changes in life that my wifes sex appetite has had a lot to do


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

nightmoves8 said:


> Yes - believe I understand that.
> 
> It also causes some seemingly dramatic disturbance to the equilibrium. (;-)
> 
> ...


Your wife is BPD right? Your life will never, ever be normal, in any aspect. You should know this by now, based on all your threads. I cant figure out why in the world you stick around, no offense.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

nightmoves8 said:


> Firebelly.
> 
> Thank you .
> Very astute...and concerns or thoughts I have had for a long while.
> ...


It's not you, it's her. Just your presence reminds her that you want to have sex and she doesn't. She feels pressure all the time.

You are mismatched. Think of it this way... Think of something you'd rather avoid. Whatever it is, just have it be something big. Now, imagine this big thing meant you had to do this thing naked and in a state where you are vulnerable. Now imagine that your wife needs you not only to do this thing you don't like and makes you feel vulnerable, but that you have to like it and do it often. She would like to do it for hours if possible. 

That is true LD.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

Ebf123 - 

Thank you.

Wow...a lot to think about in your post.
I get it - I think.

But - the hard thing to understand then - WHY - does she perhaps think sex is something she does not want and this thing she doesn't like and makes her feel vulnerable??

Confounded....


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Only she can reveal her exact reasons. Mine are as follows: every time I have sex, there's a risk of UTI. From the time I first feel it to the time I'm literally urinating red with blood is just a few hours. It's awful. I solved that by ensuring we both shower and he washes his hands well, but it's still in the back of my mind.

I also have a difficult time reaching climax. It goes from being enjoyable to me feeling like I have to because he wants to give me an O. So I try to give him what he wants... Strange as that sounds. I wish men's egos weren't so tied up in giving their SO an O, but most are. I'd rather he didn't care and let it be ok if I don't cum. Also, not being able to have an O without a lot of work makes me feel broken in some way. Like there's something wrong with how I'm made.

Lastly, my H treats sex like getting each other off. I've watched him thrusting, holding off, starting again, repeat. I was just his means of pleasuring himself, and I don't like that at all. 

We haven't had sex in nearly 5 years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

I should also add that I know men won't want to be with me if I don't have sex with them, which makes me feel devalued as a person. Certainly doesn't make me want it - just reminds me what I'm worth to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

nightmoves8 said:


> For me - understanding is the key.
> I really believe that I have gotten SO far down in all this craziness - that I need to step by step figure this stuff out.
> 
> I am a pretty successful, competent, confident, person in my "real life".
> But in this...I don't even trust myself anymore to figure it all out.



I'm going to try to read through all the other posts on this thread, but I need to stop here for now (there are some pretty heavy truths the thread just dropped on my chest).

I just want to say, for now: 

Why must you understand, before you can go create the life you deserve? Time doesn't care that you are struggling to think and analyze and find solutions. There may not be a solution, and even if there is it will not be within your power to make it come to be unilaterally (and if your wife is at all like mine and many husbands and wives of TAMers around here, don't expect any help, perhaps even expect interference).

A colleague has a puzzle on his desk, sort of a brainteaser to amuse/distract people who stop by for whatever. IIRC, it's basically a chain that is looped in and around itself and fastened to a little block of wood. After the first year or two of coming across it when I would stop by to do our work thing together, I finally got disgusted with it and my need to fiddle with it. There may be an answer. There may not. I do not know, but I've got better things to do with my time.

From just a few posts above the one I quote, I suspect knowing" truths is important to you, and perhaps you expect it to illuminate the fix for your wife and marriage that you've been hoping for for years. Or, perhaps you expect "knowing" to bring closure.

If so, then I've been right there with you. But, I'm getting old, and I want to stop. I want to just enjoy life, and the have someone to share it with that makes me feel loved and seen and understood. Someone who feels loved and seen and understood by me. Someone to hold and be held by. 

So, I've been trying to let go of my need to know, and to simply accept that what I want is not what I have. Seeking to understand why or how, after some time, tires the soul. 

Not living is worse than not knowing.


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## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

Piece of Sky - 

That post - literally - froze me.

Left me speechless.

Painfully profound. 
Yes I do place an enormously high need on understanding. Not totally sure where that came from - or why.
I read once that in schema theory - children who were posed with chaos - strove very hard to "understand" the maelstrom around them. Find some - or just ANY - bits of logic to explain it all.
Perhaps it was some sort of survival mechanism...not sure.

Your line about believing that I can find the key to showcase or illuminate understanding in my wife which will turn the tide...
is I realized - completely on target.
I feel almost embarrassed to admit that.
I suppose it was my hoax on myself and my hope - all wrapped into one.
Again - a quest - perhaps left over from days long gone.

Your quote :
"I want to just enjoy life, and the have someone to share it with that makes me feel loved and seen and understood. Someone who feels loved and seen and understood by me. Someone to hold and be held by."

That is beautiful.
That is eloquent.
That is haunting.

That is EXACTLY how I feel. 

I want to say I WISH you the hope in that quote.
I WISH ME the hope in that quote.

Thank you ...beyond words.


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