# How To Repair Communication With My Wife?



## schwarz (Oct 21, 2016)

Hello, firstly thank you for taking the time to read my post and for any advice and opinions given.

I will start by stating that I am emotionally offended and angered by what I perceive to be my wife's lack of strong communication and initiative towards "us" as a couple and a family (counting our 1 daughter). The blunt and general facts are we have been together 10 years, married 4 years, have 1 daughter, me = American male, her = foreign female, communication = toast. Most of the lack of communication started after our daughter was born, there was a certain level of miscommunication normally because of cultural differences but we usually worked through them directly so as we grew with each other and learned about each other that became mostly a non-issue. Also it was not too difficult to overcome because she already had 10 years experience in the US before we met. 

After childbirth my wife became engaged in a community of her peers, foreign women with domestic husbands; which I suppose is great overall to have friends like you. The main issue is that the communication that we shared as a couple has been degraded and undermined as more time has been allowed for this group of her peers but mostly for one of those peers in particular. Most if not all (no exaggeration) of our activities as a family or as a couple without our daughter centers around or is usually planned by this friend with my wife; while this might be somewhat good for my daughter as she can spend time with the friend's two daughters it ultimately removes the opportunities for my family to spend time together alone and even more for me to spend time alone with my wife which is equally as important if not most important to solidifying communication.

My wife however is very busy and whenever there is a break in the schedule that time is 95% allotted towards that one friend. This is conflated with the incredible amounts of digital communication that exists between the two via social media which is something that irks me because there are no limits; first thing in the morning they are texting, throughout the workday they are texting, nighttime with the family still texting; it's everyday and quite excessive. Unfortunately I have come across these texts because we use a family iPad and regardless of who is using it all the information comes up on the lock screen even though the device is locked. At the same time if my wife (who is not a technologically adept person) needs help with her phone or computer and hands me the device I end up seeing the messages from this friend because notifications appear live and as I stated prior she will text her constantly, incessantly, everyday. I honestly believe this friend to be very much obsessed, clingy, and needy. 

On top of that there is nothing good in those texts, things that are very hurtful and generally contains an incredible amount of private information about our marriage good and bad that I personally believe should remain within our marriage. I am a very private person with a few solid friends by choice. One friend I've known for 22 years, another for 12 years and I barely share details about my marriage unless it's something dire and even then I keep it general. My wife however is divulging all things good/bad about our business to this friend who we've known for less than 3 years. I don't believe in gossip at all, to me it's just wrong and I would never run around gossiping about my wife or our problems because I might as well be talking down about myself then.

Since I am aware of this gossip now and in combination with the sheer amount of time being spent with this friend compared to with her spouse I really feel detached and removed from the equation. I am very frustrated and cannot even talk to or look at my wife right now because I feel like anything I do or say gets reported to her friend or her network and I'm not really communicating solely with the woman I'm talking to at the moment.

So the breakdown points are... 

1. Communication is shot between my wife and myself. 
2. Wife is freely volunteering marital information to her friend who is a known gossip herself. 
3. Wife decidedly spends more time with friend than with myself, whether it is physically or digitally.
4. Wife's friend has a superior influence over my wife's decisions which in turn affects our decisions.
5. I feel tremendously guilt about seeing the texts and having information that I shouldn't have.
6. I feel tremendous anger that this person we've known for 3 years knows so much about us and is a known gossip.
7. I feel incredibly paranoid and antisocial about interacting with this small community that probably knows who knows what about us.
8. I have been stonewalling my wife because I don't know how to communicate with her without creating a more screwed up scenario.

Please if anyone has some insight on how I can establish better communication with my wife and more importantly how to establish a united front that doesn't include friends/family/strangers in our business I'm all ears; thank you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, because you do not like to tell anyone anything and you have decided to deliberately keep the number of friends you have to only two, you think your wife should behave in the same way as you?

You have problems in your marriage. However, I am not convinced that the problems that you do have are the ones you believe them to be.

Are you by nature a person who likes to be totally and utterly in control in all circumstances?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Mr. Black

Tall order...my friend.

First point, and most important point: She does not communicate well with you because you do not communicate well with her. I know, your languages are different. However, people are people.

You know what is ailing you and your marriage. She does not. Or maybe she does....know that things between you are strained. 

You shut her off, wall her off. Her response? To talk and communicate with the friend. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HER COMMUNICATION SKILLS.

She IS communicating but not communicating with YOU. Fix this. 

One of you has to go to the Dynamite Store, buy ten dozen sticks with det. cord, blasting caps, electric wire and battery box. Go to the your love river and blow up the ice-dam that is blocking spring water to your marriage.

You are very intelligent, you express well, write well, communicate well. And yet you cannot communicate with your wife. Why? Are you just too stubborn, pride bound? Do not want to do so?

Open your vest, pull out your cards, lay them out on the table and tell your DW that things have to change. Do not harp and criticize, just calmly state the facts. Tell her that the marriage is slipping away. Your foundation moorings are giving way. 

Oh, if true...tell her that you love her and want the marriage to re-flourish. If she shows no interest, then you have your answer.


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## schwarz (Oct 21, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> So, because you do not like to tell anyone anything and you have decided to deliberately keep the number of friends you have to only two, you think your wife should behave in the same way as you?
> 
> You have problems in your marriage. However, I am not convinced that the problems that you do have are the ones you believe them to be.
> 
> Are you by nature a person who likes to be totally and utterly in control in all circumstances?


MattMatt, thank you for responding.

I decided to highlight those two friends in particular as serious longtime friends over a decade and two decades who have known me in many phases of life whereas our marriages don't define us as beings or rules our conversations. I definitely do have more than two friends. Regardless of the amount of friends one has I just purely believe that information between two people concerning those two people should remain between those two people. I trust them wholeheartedly but I still believe that there are certain things that should remain between my wife and myself. I am friends with a couple who have been together as long as I have with my wife and they both confide in me about this and that but to keep everything civil I just don't share their information, especially with each other; I may listen but I instruct them that it's best to each speak to each other about what's going on.

I plead no contest to there being problems in my marriage but I can't even get the chance to explain my feelings or viewpoint about our problems because either the time is not there or she will not afford me the attention to listen.

And no, I couldn't care less about control; I learned a long time ago to understand there are things in this world you simply have no control over.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

schwarz said:


> MattMatt, thank you for responding.
> 
> I decided to highlight those two friends in particular as serious longtime friends over a decade and two decades who have known me in many phases of life whereas our marriages don't define us as beings or rules our conversations. I definitely do have more than two friends. Regardless of the amount of friends one has I just purely believe that information between two people concerning those two people should remain between those two people. I trust them wholeheartedly but I still believe that there are certain things that should remain between my wife and myself. I am friends with a couple who have been together as long as I have with my wife and they both confide in me about this and that but to keep everything civil I just don't share their information, especially with each other; I may listen but I instruct them that it's best to each speak to each other about what's going on.
> 
> ...


Then I suggest that you need marital guidance counselling. Annnnd... with that phrase I just dated myself, pretty much! Oh, well! 

Actually, I think couple's counselling and individual counselling would be of benefit.


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## schwarz (Oct 21, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Mr. Black
> 
> Tall order...my friend.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply, SunCMars.

Initially I had a conflict of how to approach this situation whereas I had originally stated that I don't feel like we are spending enough time together as a couple and/or family without outside influence. And I specified how I felt that this friend had been overstepping boundaries and how that was affecting us. I really tried to express it in a manner that isn't akin to an adult telling another adult who they can or cannot hangout with because that's messed up but she took offense to it as her friend could do no wrong whatsoever. I did not bring up the knowledge of the quantity/quality of texts between them because I felt that it would just create more strife so I took the high road and decided to ignore it and just be happy. I also stated that it is not necessary for me to be around this friend of yours, constantly; I see her more than I see you and I need a break from her because it's affecting me.

So that approach worked, we were very very happy, went on dates, sent our daughter to grandma's house so we could really just spend time together and communicate and it was fantastic. 

We decided to go check out a school tour for our daughter to attend and then nonchalantly my wife stated that this friend is one station away and will be joining us on the school tour. In my brain I was just like, "WHY?"; and I posited that I assumed we were doing this together and my wife just gave me a spiel about why this friend was tagging along too. So I just shut down and went with it because this is important for my daughter's future and this friend's presence (no matter how much contempt I posses for her) should not ruin this experience. I was honestly upset because the experience and information exchange we should be having about this school; I was pushed out of the conversation as my wife completely engaged with her friend throughout the tour. I do feel that this is a very personal experience deciding on schooling for your child and honestly there are several of these school tours planned for this particular school that this friend can attend with her husband. Basically I could not get a word in during the conversations and it is just a recent example of what usually occurs when the 3 of us are physically in the same space. Unfortunately that also extends to the digital arena because my wife will be glued to her phone communicating with this friend regardless of the current activity or company. 

At that time after the tour was complete I just put my hands up and walked away because I was too livid about the entire situation that it would better to exit the scenario than cause a scene. Sorry about the extended response I just want you to understand that I'm not stonewalling because that's my modus operandi; I'm just fed up with this being the status quo as it happens nearly everyday.


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## schwarz (Oct 21, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Then I suggest that you need marital guidance counselling. Annnnd... with that phrase I just dated myself, pretty much! Oh, well!
> 
> Actually, I think couple's counselling and individual counselling would be of benefit.


I would entirely submit to counseling. I would rather we air our issues to someone who is qualified and legally bound to keep their trap shut as opposed to telling every Tom, Richard, and Harry surrounding us.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Why are you not asserting how you feel to your wife?

Yes, she is being insensitive to you. However, you are not clearly communicating boundaries, either.

Until you do, nothing has a chance to change.


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## schwarz (Oct 21, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Why are you not asserting how you feel to your wife?
> 
> Yes, she is being insensitive to you. However, you are not clearly communicating boundaries, either.
> 
> Until you do, nothing has a chance to change.


I have been hesitant because a lot of my anger is directed at the existence of the texts and the bashing going in inside between these two women about their respective husbands (myself and the friend's husband) yet more so at the fact that I feel like a guilty piece of crap for even having seen the texts so I feel like I don't have much ground to stand on in order to plead my case. 

I feel like if I go into this with the gossiping issue then I'm just going to make things worse but at the same time I don't see an alternative but to bring it up. I'm saying this because ultimately I believe that if we are asserting ourselves to each other and communicating correctly with each other, a whole slew of other issues will begin to become corrected because we would be discussing them openly.

I'm just afraid I have to blow the dam open to get results but I'm going to obviously start a flood in doing so.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Well, what's done is done. You should have put your foot down on that school visit. You allowed the door to be cracked open and the woman pushed it completely open. It's a little strange that she's so interested in a decision like that. When you've read the text messages, was there any sort of sexual interest in your wife or vice versa? It almost sounds like an affair. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

For her and her friend to talk S*** about you and her husband like the way you make it sound, that's unacceptable.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

schwarz said:


> I have been hesitant because a lot of my anger is directed at the existence of the texts and the bashing going in inside between these two women about their respective husbands (myself and the friend's husband) yet more so at the fact that I feel like a guilty piece of crap for even having seen the texts so I feel like I don't have much ground to stand on in order to plead my case.
> 
> I feel like if I go into this with the gossiping issue then I'm just going to make things worse but at the same time I don't see an alternative but to bring it up. I'm saying this because ultimately I believe that if we are asserting ourselves to each other and communicating correctly with each other, a whole slew of other issues will begin to become corrected because we would be discussing them openly.
> 
> I'm just afraid I have to blow the dam open to get results but I'm going to obviously start a flood in doing so.


You have more than enough to put your foot down without the texts.

I think you know this.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

May I ask, what is the context of the venting? 
Is it everyday whining..
Like "oh, he left the toilet seat up again!" 
Or more private details? Like putting down the troubles in the marriage? 

I think your wife should be aware of your thoughts about giving out too much information. 
Discuss what boundaries of privacy that you deem appropriate. 

I have often said things about my husband to my friends, I think it's healthy to discuss issues with a trusted friend, if they have the best interests in the marriage. They might be a good thing, sometimes it saves resentment from a marriage because a trusted friend can help you see things from a different perspective. 
Like for example, I could be irrational over a disagreement and a friend would say, no I am afraid that you are wrong, now go say apologies to your husband! 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## schwarz (Oct 21, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Well, what's done is done. You should have put your foot down on that school visit. You allowed the door to be cracked open and the woman pushed it completely open. It's a little strange that she's so interested in a decision like that. When you've read the text messages, was there any sort of sexual interest in your wife or vice versa? It almost sounds like an affair.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


Believe me I wanted to put my foot through the earth's crust and hit Australia but I had so many emotions flowing that I just locked up because I didn't want to be responsible for ruining our bliss. This happened about 2 weeks after I explicitly stated that I needed a break from this friend and we need to reconnect, that I have no desire to be in the same space as this friend, or be randomly surprised or informed suddenly of this friend's presence or desire to be in our presence out of left field; and well my voice was obviously not heard. And no there is nothing sexual, it's really a Lucy and Ethel situation but Ethel apparently has nothing but time to initiate texts to my wife even though she has two daughters, a full time job, and her own husband to be with. This combined with the fact that our neighborhood is crazy small and this woman gossips like a news ticker; this friend is really not healthy for our marriage. People need friends but she's doing more harm than good. I've had ****ty friends who I didn't realize that they weren't not really great overall for this stage in my life and my wife made that fact known while I was hesitant to cut the cord but I listened eventually because I realized that she was right and had our best interests in mind. Well I'm trying to protect our castle from invaders here just the same.

Some related anecdote; I was carrying my daughter home from school one evening since she was knocked out cold, my wife's friend is running up from behind like a block away yelling my daughter's name like a chihuahua and wakes her up and I'm like, "WHY?!"; other times I'm at home with my daughter and this woman is outside of our building with her daughters screaming my daughter's name, again I'm like, "WHY?!".

Serenity now.



toblerone said:


> For her and her friend to talk S*** about you and her husband like the way you make it sound, that's unacceptable.


I probably would not be as livid as I am now if she was speaking with a very old friend even in a dishonorable fashion but this person is only in our lives for 3 years and she gets full access plus the information is not even totally correct because my wife is gossiping from a place of speculation since she is not engaging me to figure out just exactly why I'm upset. It's like you are talking about something you have only limited knowledge of with someone who has zero knowledge of the problem and expecting to receive a solution as opposed to talking to that person who actually possesses the remainder of the knowledge.

It's baffling.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

You have to know that if this woman is spending so much time talking to your wife, then her own marriage can't be good. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## schwarz (Oct 21, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> May I ask, what is the context of the venting?
> Is it everyday whining..
> Like "oh, he left the toilet seat up again!"
> Or more private details? Like putting down the troubles in the marriage?
> ...


From what I can ascertain from the messages, from the friend it's mostly venting about small potatoes but generally calling her husband useless and this is kind of the same way she speaks about him in public which is messed up. And this guy is in a far better position than me educationally; financially, he bust his ass for his family so I really don't get the hating but again not my marriage, not my place to intervene. From my wife it's the same venting about small potatoes but also really private and specific details about our martial issues. Which is really very frustrating for me to be aware of. I work from home and I can see all of this in real time and screws with my well-being. I feel like all these interactions should be with me primarily and that doesn't happen. So I get disgruntled when even basic non-marital issue related information is shared with this person or anyone else because I know it's sandwiched in with all the negative stuff as well. 

Example: We take our daughter to the doctor for something that might be a real issue, I'm not convinced it even exists but my wife objects so I say we need to see the doctor then because we aren't qualified to assess this properly. We go to the doctor, test were done everything is fine; no worries. A few days later I hear all the details of the doctor's visit from another friend of my wife's while we are at the playground and I'm like, "how do you know any of this, how do you know how many vials of blood were drawn?". Of course it came from my wife because obviously the doctor didn't say jack to my wife's friend nor did I say anything to anyone about my daughter's medical history because who the hell really needs to know that. I probably shouldn't even be concerned about something like this at all but in retrospect it lampshades the fact that any and all information about us is being volunteered to people who don't need to know certain things so it irks me.

The boundaries are completely skewed, they are made out of silly string at this point.

EDIT: I agree with speaking with a trusted friend about stuff but I don't consider a person you've known for less than 3 years and only in one type of context (phases of life) to be a trusted friend. To me personally that title gets reserved for real long-haul folks who have been there through plenty over the span of many, many, many years. The parameters of course will be different for other people but that's my stance on it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

schwarz said:


> I have been hesitant.....
> *I'm just afraid I have to blow the dam open* to get results but I'm going to obviously start a flood in doing so.


You have no choice.

You obviously are an Intellectual and "conflict avoidant". Break this habit.

She "sounds" shallow and not introspective. Her love for you is specious...not special.

Your "words" to her are peeps........she callously brushes them off. 

If she does not care "much", why should you?

Show her the Power of "THE CHRIST-SAKES". Get some emotion behind your tongue.

Show her some Major General Consequence.

Someone crowned her Queen of Sheba.....I think it was thee.

A coward is much more exposed to quarrels than a man of spirit.
Thomas Jefferson


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## schwarz (Oct 21, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> You have to know that if this woman is spending so much time talking to your wife, then her own marriage can't be good.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


I said this almost word for word to my old friend about this situation. I purported that logically if she is able to spend this much time on the phone talking to my wife then that time has to be taken away from her two daughters, husband, and work.

That or she is a multi-headed octopus.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Might we ask which country or culture she's from. Some cultures have epically different notions of privacy than we do...


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## schwarz (Oct 21, 2016)

john117 said:


> Might we ask which country or culture she's from. Some cultures have epically different notions of privacy than we do...


Japan.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You have serious problems in your marriage made worse by this woman. It is ridiculous that this woman accompanied you on the door. Like others, I think there is a need for counseling and flexibility in your approach. Do read Men are from Mars Women are from Venus so you can see the differences in how genders approach issues. Men are more commonly private and analytically while women typically solve problems in part by verbalizing them.


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## GTNBoom (Oct 24, 2016)

Let's start with the basics 

1. If she is choosing to talk to this female friend all the time it's because she is connecting with her in a way that she doesn't with you.

You can't force her to talk and connect with you. You can try. You can "talk" to her about this and see where that gets you. Nowhere in the end. Because when women feel pressured guess what? They want to escape the pressure. And thus, she will only want to talk to her female friend more.


The Basics 

Women talk to connect and to build consensus.

Men listen and talk to solve problems. 

So, the first thing you need to do is learn to listen to her and talk to her without solving any problems. 

Put "mr problem" solver away and listen to her.

Tell her you appreciate her sharif with you. Put your hand on her knees or arm when she's talking so she is fully aware you are listening and fully attuned to her.

Next, build common bonds and interests. What is se interested in? Find out and do your research so that you can talk with her about those things. Movies, tv shows, music, arts, hobbies etc. You have to be able to engage with her as is she's a best friend.

Next after that - no pressure 

She may in fact be spending all her time with this friend cause she feels pressured or overwhelmed in the relationship. When a woman feels overwhelmed they "escape." And escaping with a friend is a common theme. Make sure you are doing what is required to make her feel "free" of pressure and stress. 

You can't force her to spend time with you. It's her choice. And her choice should be telling you something. You are not doing what's required to sustain the relationship and she is not In a Fully loving state.

More to come 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

ETA: oops. Last years thread. Sorry. Wonder how it worked out anyway. @schwarz


Just some side information:

Women talk about their husbands and issues with close friends. More than you'd like but less than you fear. 

Living in a foreign country, it's natural for your wife to find associations with others - in this case other Japanese. (I assume Japanese). 

It's interesting as that priority for association - the selection of decent friends takes a backseat. 

Sometimes that causes issues as the other person is not optimal for a friendship. The the pickins is slim so she accepts who she can find. i.e., back in Japan, she'd likely never associate with that person. 

I know this is just a side issue. It's just FYI.

Btw, 

Do you speak Japanese? Have you made all attempts to learn? Learn the culture? Have you visited Japan? It's a cool place. One of my favorite countries.

You two are due for a vacation together. Go to Japan. She can explain much and start that long sought communication. 

And Remember - regarding communication ---- you've got two ears and one mouth. Use them in that proportion.


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