# untrusting



## pooka (May 10, 2011)

Not sure where to start... I have been married for 3 years together for 5 .. me and my husband have two small children together. Before we met I knew his ex girlfriend who had told me one of the reasons they broke up was that he talked to a girl in another country and it bothered her the way they talked. I guess I should have known it would be an issue... anyway... 

Before I was pregnant with my first son and caught him sending messages to the same girl. She sent him topless photos. I basically told him it was not happening and he needed to give that up if we were ever going to be together. He promised to do that and cut contact with her. I got pregnant and everything was fine. then right before I had my son I found he had contacted her again and was back at it. I flipped out and made him sign a custody order and tried to show him what he would be giving up. Visitations with his son instead of being there to see him raised.. so make a choice... this time I also emailed her and told her that she better be prepared to pick him up when his life was torn apart by their flirting online.. 

She never replied and she never contacted him again .. that I know of .. I do have his email and computer passwords so I do believe she is out of his life. 

There was one other time he was sending comments on a girls photos he did not know.. I again told him that was not appropriate and hurt me and he stopped... 

So now its been three years since our first son was born. I try to regain trust in him. I struggle with it all the time and I thought I was getting there. 

The other day he brought up this girl at work out of the blue and made a comment about how he had to censor what he said to her so I would not get upset. At the time it bothered me and kept bugging me so I checked his facebook. I know he chats to her on there that also bothers me. She is very pretty and single. So on his facebook he made comments about inviting her upstairs for her breaks to 'talk' and he sent her a few private emails nothing major with {hugs} at the end.. which bothers me... I don't know if I am over reacting but I feel like if he was trying to get my trust back.. and he knew that it would bother me.. given his comment.. why is he making friends with a young single girl? 

He also told me she said to him she was happy to have him as a friend because he was the only male friend not trying to sleep with her.. I think thats a VERY inappropriate thing to say to a coworker unless your trying to put ideas in their head. I told him that too... he acts clueless.. He also says how he can talk to her so easily and they get along so well.. this also hurts me because our relationship is so strained.. I want to be like that with him.. but he never talks to me..  

I just am not sure I will ever get trust or if he is even worth my trust since he doesn't seem to understand how his actions hurt me.. if he did he would not have made friends with her in the first place.. she is really the only one he ever talks to from work.. he says its just because she is on when he is.. 

I just don't know what to do any more... I don't want to live with a man I can't or don't trust.. but how can I trust him?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sounds like it has been an issue from the beginning. He knows waht he is doing is wrong and yet continues to do it.
You have said your piece, now what is the consequence of him continuing to do it? Clearly he believes there is no consequence for his actions since you've always remained by his side.


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## pooka (May 10, 2011)

I am just not sure he has really done anything other then to make friends with this girl... My husband is a nurse so he works with almost all women.. I should have said that.. making friends with men at work is not really an option. Not that I am defending him and I do feel their friendship is wrong because its erasing any trust I had gained in him but I don't think he has cheated or intends to.. its just the emotions it brings up in me..


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## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

I am right there with you. Trust is so hard to get back once it's lost.

He-just like my husband-really need to take a hard look at their priorties in life and really make a decision on what's important to them. Is a wonderful relationship with a wife and beautiful children the most important thing or is it the validation that they get from flirting with young women? I've been dealing with this issue for 6 months now-I posted last week-And I am starting to really look at what my husband's issues are that are causing this behavior. The last 6 months I was trying to figure out what I DID WRONG-WHAT I Wasn't providing, WHAT WAS WRONG with ME? ect and it was just like an epiphany that this is a low self-esteem, issue from childhood, ect that is causing my husband to behave this way and that I did nothing to cause or deserve it. 

This is helping me to try to trust again. It is hard but one line of thinking is that I am going to slowly allow myself to trust again. Since I never found anything super incriminating-no "I love you" texts ect-I just have to have faith that everything is meant to be. I can't live obsessing over whether I didn't find something he was hiding from me or what he is doing at work with women. I have to have faith that eventually he will overcome his insecurities and not need young women to compliment him, ect or the flip side-something will come out that will be the evidence that I need to leave him. I hope something doesn't come out like that but if it does-I will know then that I am making the correct choice in leaving. 

I think it will help you to make an absloute line in the sand in your mind that if he crosses a certain boundary, ect that you have to leave. Make sure that he is aware that if that situation, ect happens that you can no longer be with him. Then you have to have some blind trust that he will not cross that and then you need to start living life! I was spending so much time-checking phone accounts, social networks, emails, ect to find some evidence-It was exhausting! You have to trust that eventually if something seriously bad is happening behind your back-you will find out. Then if it does you can make your decision knowing you tried your hardest to trust him.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

You don't trust him because he's not trustworthy.

A real man makes it clear that he's not available for those types of "friendships" and makes better decisions so you can trust them.


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## pooka (May 10, 2011)

I just feel like every little thing wrong in our relationship becomes more then what it is.. its no longer just a little "problem" its a potential reason to cheat.. kwim? Not sure that makes sense. I spend all the time trying to figure out how to keep him from cheating.. like its my job.. when in my mind I know that its not.. that he needs to be able to make priorities, like the person above said. I feel like even if he has not done anything with this girl and even if he doesn't intend to he should have known, or did know, that it would bother me and just made the friendship anyway.. regardless of my feelings..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Syrum said:


> You don't trust him because he's not trustworthy.


Ding ding ding.

and he's done nothing to prove he can be trustworthy.

You need to enforce a hard boundary and stick to it... or otherwise tolerate living your life w/ a man who does not respect being committed to you and only you.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

You need to get some self respect back and some clear boundaries.

Tell him they are your boundaries, if he crosses them you will leave and mean it.

You will never be happy if you go on like this, but you have a real chance at happiness if you set boundaries for yourself and stick to them.

Don't you deserve happiness?


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## pooka (May 10, 2011)

I guess I am just not sure where to go from here.. I mean obviously he can't just tell this girl he can't be friends with her any more without making me look like a jealous insecure ***** at work.. so do I just ignore it and hope and let it eat away at me? do I just leave? ... I just have no idea what to do about it... I feel like the damage has been done..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

pooka said:


> I guess I am just not sure where to go from here.. I mean obviously he can't just tell this girl he can't be friends with her any more without making me look like a jealous insecure ***** at work.. so do I just ignore it and hope and let it eat away at me? do I just leave? ... I just have no idea what to do about it... I feel like the damage has been done..


False. He CAN tell her to butt out of his life, he just _ chooses _not to.

Staying or leaving is totally up to you. You are the only one who can make that decision. 

The only reason you feel "jealous and insecure" is because of his ACTIONS and that is how they have affected you. It's not your fault he is doing this. It's his. 

Ignoring a problem as big as this and letting it "eat you away" is not the answer. Well, I mean, you could do that but what would it resolve? Nothing, that's what. 

The thing is... if he refuses to change his beavior, it is up to you to either remove yourself from that situation OR tolerate it. 

Those are the two choices.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

pooka said:


> I guess I am just not sure where to go from here.. I mean obviously he can't just tell this girl he can't be friends with her any more without making me look like a jealous insecure ***** at work.. so do I just ignore it and hope and let it eat away at me? do I just leave? ... I just have no idea what to do about it... I feel like the damage has been done..


Actually he can tell this girl without making you look jealous and insecure.

He is supposed to not make friendships with young single girls. He needs to own it and not blame you, and take responsibility for his actions.

What a responsible man would do is say. "I am sorry but we can't be friends any more. I realized that it's not healthy for me or my relationship and I value my wife and child and love them very much. it was inappropriate of me to strike up this friendship in the first place and as a man I should have set clear boundaries. I am setting them now, I in good conscience cannot be friends with you and ask that you respect my wishes."

He could send that on face book and add, "I know you will understand why it's not appropriate and why I cannot be friends on face book or have any communication with you outside of our working relationship, thank you for being so understanding".

Simple. If he wont do it, he doesn't value you.

Then he needs to never put himself in that position again.


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## pooka (May 10, 2011)

As for setting boundaries I have before.. I told him if he ever sent inappropriate messages to girls again stuff about sex, loving them, nude photos etc.. He was out and he would only have visitation with his son... I feel like this so far has not crossed that..all I saw was her posting being confused about something on her facebook and him saying she could come upstairs on her breaks.. they work on different floors. And him saying {hug} on a private message.. do you think that's enough to assume its more then friends? I do know she has a sort of boyfriend he used to work with... 

What would you do? I told him I was very uncomfortable with the relationship and it hurt me.. he admitted it was inappropriate and apologized and said he wouldn't encourage it further.. he knows its taken any trust i had gained for him away again.. he does seem genuinely upset by that.. he says he wants our marriage to work.. I just don't know how to proceed.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I would do as above.

Set the boundaries, ask he sends her the no contact message, and does it in front of you, deletes her and blocks her from everything.


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## pooka (May 10, 2011)

Your right... but I feel like if I demand he do that then he is just doing it because I am demanding it.. I am not sure he will just do it on his own.. but I guess if he doesn't then that tells me a lot about what sort of man he is .. 



Syrum said:


> Actually he can tell this girl without making you look jealous and insecure.
> 
> He is supposed to not make friendships with young single girls. He needs to own it and not blame you, and take responsibility for his actions.
> 
> ...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You don't trust him which implies you see a future in all of this. I don't trust or distrust people I don't plan on maintaining a relationship with. Trust is, at its base, forward looking. So there's that.


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