# just saw film "My Old Lady" - now triggering like mad



## heart of darkness (Feb 14, 2014)

Joined here last winter looking for therapist suggestions because my husband (the wayward one - sorry, can't remember all the specific acronyms) and I had not found the right kind of help in therapy, despite several attempts/approaches. I was trying to keep a low profile at the time because I was concerned about my husband's toxic friends or other intrusive/dysfunctional people spying on us here. I got a few helpful and welcoming responses (including some PMs - thank you, thorburn). At the time I was juggling too many issues, not just marital ones, to post here and become a member of this community. I've lurked at times, but I can't read too much for too long, because hearing about other people's traumas often triggers and overwhelms me.

My story is really complex, and I'm not going to try to tell it today. Short version of marital issues - a history of actual/threatened abandonment/infidelity. We went back to therapy with yet ANOTHER person who doesn't get it and has a rigid, narrow approach - several months, $1000+ in co-pays, not much to show for it. We're making much better progress on our own. My husband is remorseful and is working hard to support me and repair the damage. Actual infidelity goes back several years - nothing recent. There are other significant commitment/communication issues, though - will save details for when I write the story.

I've been through a lifetime of trauma and loss - not just the marital issues. I was DX'd with PTSD years ago following the death of our daughter. I've had many lost or damaged relationships and connections - *my sadness/trauma triggers are everywhere. It's like machine-gun fire. * This time of year is the anniversary of many significant losses and betrayals - combined with the holiday season, it gets harder every year.

So I already trigger/react/whatever just by being conscious, and currently am more sensitive for seasonal/personal history reasons. I saw the movie "My Old Lady" two days ago, and *my triggers are ricocheting off the walls.* Maggie Smith plays an elderly woman (spoilers) whose decades-long affair helped to sabotage the lives of multiple people - her lover's betrayed wife, his son (Kevin Kline) and her own daughter (Kristen Scott-Thomas).
You can read all the reviews you want via this site: 
My Old Lady Reviews - Metacritic

It's billed as a comedy, but it's not. Smith's character is CLASSIC wayward - and her behavior is SO much more than basic denial/rationalization. She's watched how the secret-everyone-knew affected her own daughter. Her lover had an abandonment-in-place relationship with his wife (who knew what was going on, and who was ultimately destroyed by it). His son's (Kline) entire life has been shaped and poisoned by his father's absence and criticism. The father is dead, but is very much a "character" in the film/play. His blame-the-victim attitude toward his son is all the more reprehensible because he took no responsibility for his own significant role in his son's troubled childhood and related failures as an adult. Smith's character buys into this view of the son, because it fits so neatly with her own delusions/denials.

I have enough self-awareness to recognize that my reaction to this film is NOT just about infidelity and the lifelong, concentric circles of pain it can cause. I also have a history of parental abandonment and dysfunction, as well as little support from extended family, so that aspect of the plot is pushing a lot of buttons, too. I started seeing my own therapist again this year, although that's been mostly a rent-a-friend/write-a-check exercise - despite this dr having an "empathetic" approach and specializing in trauma (he says). But I'm really sick of the therapy ghetto - and that I have to freaking PAY so much for it - when what I need are just a few supportive family members and friends.

I'd hoped that reading some reviews would be validating, assuming that most of the critics would GET the pain of the son and daughter, GET how destructive and irresponsible Smith's character was and is. Nope. A few did nail some of the points. But most of them were impatient with the "melodrama" as they call it, when that's exactly what it's trying to portray. Kline's character isn't whining, he's been in pain his entire life, despite his attempts to HAVE a life. Those unpublished novels, failed marriages . . . Those were his healthy attempts to have a family, to achieve something, create an identity besides abandoned/betrayed/unworthy. 

This film was based on a 2002 play, and it's difficult to exactly determine the the playwright-turned-screenwriter's POV. Smith's character is clearly deluded, sinister, and self-absorbed, but she's also drawn as eccentric, maybe even harmless and charming. That's certainly how she views herself. She's mostly called out by Kline's character and her daughter, and since the critics mostly see them as whinging losers whose pain is their own fault, I think the validity of their claims are lost on much of the audience. I didn't know walking into this film what the plot was - just some general hints about dysfunction and secrets. When it was clear what the crux of the story was, as difficult as it was to watch, I hoped it was a "teachable moment" - an opportunity to educate the "civilians" on the devastation caused by infidelity. And because that doesn't seem to be happening, based on the reviews I've seen, that's making me feel even more isolated, misunderstood, and disenfranchised.

All I know right now is, I'm going to need more anti-anxiety medication than usual, and while I'm not going to down entire bottles of wine as Kline did in the film, I'm probably going to need a glass or two. 

There was a thread here awhile back on films that portrayed infidelity, and whether they did it in an offensive way or helpful. This film definitely needs to be added to that list. 

Those toxic/intrusive people I was so afraid of last winter? My husband recognizes the boundary-invasion of the "friends," so they're no longer playing a role. They all could find their way here, though, and I can't control that. But if any of y'all are reading this, hear this: you're all pathetic losers, and you cannot interfere in our marriage anymore. You don't want to make me any more p***** off than I already am. So stay away.

Since I have almost no real-life support system (friends' defections followed dead babies), I could desperately use some compassionate support from people who get it. And I guess that would be the people here.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

Bumped.


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## heart of darkness (Feb 14, 2014)

French Fry, thanks for finding this post in the moderation queue and bumping it to get it on the first page.

I responded briefly to my other post - "a very short version" - to explain why I was offline for several days. I also explained/apologized that much of the content of this first post about "My Old Lady" was repeated in my responses to my "short version" post. Which eventually became not a short version at all. 

Anyway, THIS post and the "short version" post, despite my saying the same things at times in both posts, are sort of companions. I'm having a difficult time processing so much stuff, old and new, right now. But I will try to tell more of my story this week. As painful and triggering as it often is for me to come here, I have not found anything or anyone in real life where people understand and try to help. So I'll be back soon.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

When I'm trying to heal from a hurt, I stay away from movies and books that might trigger the pain. Distraction is good; movies and books about the topic (infidelity, break-ups/romance, family member dying, etc.) generally do not help. 

It's not easy to stay away from that stuff, though, as you discovered. My last break-up, I remember I avoided most tv and movies for a long while, and just spent hours reading mystery novels like Agatha Christie where I knew there would not be any romance stuff. Try immersing yourself in some Agatha (or politics or cookbooks or whatever) to distract you while entertaining you.


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