# Ho do i stop myself



## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

I have another post with my background, so long story short. I confronted my H for having an EA. He denied and then threw out the D word. Anyway we didnt talk for 2 weeks, same house with two kids. 

We went to MC and he only wanted to talk about separation, so as soon as it was over, he packed some things and left. I started the 180 and didnt make myself available when he called, only the kids. 

I have gone through most of the emotions, pain, lonliness, anger, frustration, numbness. I am back at anger today. 

He took us all to lunch yesterday, but it was uncomfortable. He told me he was leaving for a week. He told me that he would call once he arrives to his location (military trip) and would like to talk. We havent talked about anything but the kids since he moved out. I told him if he just wanted to talk I was ok with that, but if it was about a life changing decision it would have to wait until he returned and we could sit down. Of course I got the " you really think I would tell you over the phone".....yes I do. You are avoiding your responsibilites now, so I dont trust anything that you say. 

So anyway, no call, no text, no nothing. Right before he left he hugged me and said Im sorry. I slipped up and out of habit said I love you, no response from him.

I am tired of waiting and I know it hasnt been long enough (2 weeks physical separation), but he cant even tell me how long, (approx) he wants to try this separation. I am getting impatient and I am getting angry and just about ready to file for legal separation and leave with the kids. We are overseas now. I know you arent suppose to make decisions this early but how do I talk myself out of reacting too quickly?

All opinions are welcome...thanks so much


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think it's rude of him to be calling the shots in terms of when he can make a decision for the both of you regarding your lives. He's already made decisions for you without your consent, hasn't he? Keeping someone in the dark is just way poor communication. I'm leaving a marriage and I am still holding down the home front making sure bills get paid, keeping an eye on the house, and communicating about specific dates. I let him know up front when I decided to leave, there was no mystery about it like ohhhhhh we MIGHT be separated right now but you're deployed so maybe we are maybe we aren't. The time I did ask him for space I said to him don't call or email or anything else for a week unless it is an emergency. He did of course, that was an issue. He did not want to give me a week on my own to think without his spin-doctoring of the situation. Just the way your H is acting, I would feel that it was abusive to some point. Isn't he the one that went outside the marriage to begin with? So why is he in the driver's seat, just because he has military orders? That's a manuever that's difficult to play out in a 180, so if you want to 180 on it you need to not be there when he gets back. How about if YOU decide you need space and go on a vaca? You're overseas, maybe you should travel a bit while you're there. You can send him a postcard


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

Hi HNU,

I can always count on you for advice. Yes he went outside the marriage, but right now I dont feel he is calling all the plays. I am home with the kids while he is gone (he has only been home 30 days total this year). So I am not sure what a physical separation is suppose to do (unless he ia making the EA a PA)...anyway since I was ramrodded into this separation I asked him how long...I explained I need a timetable, 2 weeks, 2 months. So I suggested two weeks and then we re-evaluate then for more time, but we have to talk about something. He says I dont know how long. We had recurring MC appointments but with the situation here, he had to leave and therefor couldnt make the appointment this week (typhoon evac). He says he wants to continue to see the therapist with me. 

His actions dont match his words. I read somewhere that "don't believe anything you hear and 50% of what you see". I am sticking with that since this is still a fresh wound. 

I have booked a retreat for just myself once he returns from another trip in a few weeks. I was trying my best to not make any rash decisions until after I return.

My problem is that I try to figure out what everything means instead of just letting it go. I know things are too emotional right now for clear thoughts.


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

I guess what I am asking myself, "should I give him the time I am willing to sit by"? I mean, I would like to say you have until 1 Oct to decide. Either we try to reconcile or I am taking the kids and filing.

I know I must be ready to go if he decides that he still cant make a decision.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah to me "I don't know" is never a good thing. It's usually someone knows full well but they are keeping their back up plan, just in case. But their heart isn't in it anymore.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

to me, when someone says 'i dont know' in this situation, probably they dont know yet.
i think they are still seeing how things are going with o/m-o/w.
if things are going well on that front then they will choose to leave.
if things dont go well, guess what?
youre still on the back burner sitting around waiting as a back-up.
do you as his wife want to be his second choice?
i would hope thats not good enough.
i might be tempted to leave the country and go back home, before he even gets back from duty, without telling him before hand.


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

I am not able to up and leave before he returns. Our kids passports had to be renewed and only he can pick them up so I am kind of stuck until the end of this month when they should be returned from the Embassy. In the beginning I threatened leaving with the boys after he threw out divorce, but he didn't like that. 

I did start the 180 and it has worked a little. I woke up this morning to 7 texts messages from him. Very unusual for this time we have been apart. I usually one get 2 a week. I will continue with the 180 until I dont see any other changes.

Thanks for all your opinions. Sometimes I just need another point of view even if it isnt close to my own. I get stuck in the box sometimes.


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

Well I took my retreat and it was great. I felt like I was superwoman when I came back. I was ready to move on and leave him. So when I get back, I had expected him to have had his lists prepared and so on. I expected some kind of plan to end this marriage so that he can move on with the OW.

He didn't do anything towards ending this marriage. So I divided up all the assets and debt(all his) and I proposed visitation and child support and a few others things after spending a few days researching for my state. I ordered the legal separation packet, filled it out and turned it in. 

Since we are military, I told him in the most angry voice I had, that if he didnt get our paperwork submitted before he takes his leave back to the states, that I would become one of those wives that they all talk about. You know the one that calls the leadership everyday. I said I would be in the 1st Sgt office everyday darn day until you get this done.


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