# Frazzled's musings



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

It was raining all day today. I went to a Chinese restaurant for lunch. While I was eating, I noticed a dad with about a 4 year old boy standing outside the restaurant under the overhang. He had some shopping bags, and looked like he was waiting for a ride. I watched his interactions with his son. It seemed like yesterday my boys were that age. As their ride showed up, he held out his hand and the boy grabbed one of his fingers. I can still feel what that felt like to have someone holding my finger while walking across a parking lot.

I thought about all the hunting, fishing, snowmobiling, going to baseball games I had done with my sons.
It was worth the years of being mistreated by my wife. Her ignoring my needs in our marriage, the sexless years. The threat of taking the boys and not letting me see them. (a very real threat in my neck of the woods).

I can’t imagine what life would have been like if I would have only seen my kids every other weekend.

I wouldn’t have seen them get all shaky as their first deer was approaching. The smiles when they caught a big fish. Or, the tears when they had a bad day at school and them needing some time with dad.

My middle son played basketball in elementary school. I took him to almost every single game He told me he liked to be able to look up into stands and see me sitting there. He said “I always play better when you are watching me”.

Watching the father/son was therapeutic for me. My dad passed away not that long ago. I’ve been mentally revisiting my childhood. I realized my parents did the best they could with what they had.

I realized I‘ve faced adversity in life, but I don’t regret investing my time in my kids. I’ve done the best I could with what I have.

Everyone has to decide what is important to them. I sat there and felt the stress I've been carrying from wondering/wishing I would have done things differently in my life, drain away.

I've been praying asking God to help me let go of the resentment, I think he answered my prayers today.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Good for you... Capture the feeling now, so that if you have future doubts, you can return to this level of peace. 

There is no substitute for a loving dad! What a good example you've been.

God is good and hears our prayers. His timing is perfect.

What you've just said has deep meaning for me personally.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

It goes by so quickly, doesn't it? I can relate Frazzled. Thank you for putting into words what many of us feel


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You can divorce your spouse but not your children.

It is the same as divorcing yourself.
It cannot be done.

.............................................................................................

My favorite age for children are in the three to six year range.
So innocent, yet so not innocent.

That is when they push their boundaries and push your buttons!
And they are masters at this!


God Bless!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I like this post a lot. 

My oldest is a senior this year and I too have been thinking about how fast the time has gone by. He and I are really close and I love interacting with him as a young adult, but there are times when I wish he could be little just a tad longer. 

As for his dad? I left him when older son was 5.....he was abusive. He sees them but has never really been inclined to parent, and hasn't taken anywhere near the time he could have with them (we have a 15 year old son as well).

The loss is his. They love their dad but are mama's boys..... they know who invested in them.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Thank you for posting this period sometimes I wonder if I messed my kids up by staying married Until they were older. It wasn't really a choice as much as it was a necessity. I realize now that while they may not have seen a great marriage between their father and me, and I know that has affected the way they view relationships, which neither of them have ever had so far, I also got to be with them every single day as did their dad. It was far from perfect, but there were good things they reaped by having both of us every day. I do think that even if I had divorced back when they were 8 and 10 and it all came to a head and I knew things would never change, there were things that they might have been a fitted from as well. For example, they might not be as cynical about marriage and dating. My oldest might have avoided some of the anxiety problems that she had. We never really know what the path might have been, that is why it is so important to make peace with the path we chose. That is also why it is important not to judge someone else's path either by our own or buy, more commonly, what we wish we had done.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP,

Will you divorce now to find a happier relationship for you?


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Aww I love this post! I'm glad you at least had such good memories of your kids during your challenging marriage. 

I've been temporarily taking leave from being a SAHM and my contract ends November 1st. My little ones are 1, 2 and 4 and your post just brought home how badly I miss being home with them. MLB players have probably had more off days this summer than I have! But at least they get to stay home since my parents are temporarily there.

Thanks so much for posting! However now I REALLY want some Chinese food ...


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> OP,
> 
> Will you divorce now to find a happier relationship for you?


My wife has been working on improving intimacy, as long as she continues, no.

Part of my resentment was feeling like why did she make me take it right to "talk to counselor NOW about what happened to you or I will file". Having to be OK with either way really killed a lot of love in me.

Part of it was having to get so nasty before she understood I was serious. She never really showed any emotion. The most was I saw a real flash of anger in her eyes when I told her "I married you to have a passionate intimate relationship with you, not to be told you have "Been There, done that with someone else and you don't want it do it with me"

Before everyone jumps on me, remember, she told me she was a virgin, had "only kissed" in high school. Turns out she was in a 4 year abusive relationship, had even been engaged to the jock, and was run thru the mill by him.

I didn't even find out about the engagement until all the crap hit the fan about 5 years ago. Was married 24 years at that point.

I finally got her to see my point of view, of I was expecting to find out "TOGETHER" what we liked & disliked, At least I would know what doing some of the things would feel like ONCE!

I'm not talking about 3ways, anal or other stuff. I was talking about showers together, oral both ways, pretty tame stuff, but it triggered her.

I'm mid 50's, probably have ladies laughing at me if I wanted to start over anyway. Probably think what I want to do in bed as too juvenile. 

I was mad at her for changing me. She called me an ******* a while back, because what I used to let slide, I DON"T anymore! I told her "You treat me better now when I don't treat you like you are on a pedestal"

I better quit before my ranting dredges up more resentment.

I was raised to be a gentleman, found out too late in life some women seem to want to be treated poorly, or at least will look down on someone that treats them well.

Seems like a never ending cycle on TAM.


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