# Drama with my husbands EX wife



## skye4338 (Jun 12, 2015)

Trying to work through some marriage difficulties... I am unfortunately very opinionated and want things my way. I feel my husband is the same way in many ways, he just doesn't act it out as emotionally as I do. 
Both my husband and myself have been married before. I had a horrendous 16 year marriage-- but have 3 amazing step kids from that marriage that I adore. My husband has an adorable and spoiled 7 year old son-- I can't stand his ex wife.... that is the root of a lot of our fights. Along with fighting over money and how things should be done of course thrown into the mix....

My husband was an only child raised in a VERY rich community on the East Coast. (divorced parents when he was young) had a ton of freedom, and lots of extremely rich friends. I don't feel he had much discipline or structure, and very little to no guidance...

I was a middle child raised in Alaska, with super uper duper strict parents. We were definitely low to middle class-- but that is most of Alaska. Totally different upbringings. I was a rebel, did not like rules -- ran away from home and went into foster care at end of my senior year in high school. I was way too guided and purposely feared into everything-- everything was taught to be fear driven... My dad ruled as a dictator in our household, and unfortunately I think I have followed suit, and it is just so driven into my bones, and what my norm is, I don't know how to change that-- In my own reality, my beliefs are just the gospel and there is no other way. Makes for a hard time being in a relationship.

So much to write I guess, not sure where to start.


Our latest fight has caused my husband to state he wants a divorce if I don't change. So thus why I am here. I promised I would get counseling. I absolutely adore my husband and really don't want to lose him. But in reality am VERY bitter now that he would throw the word divorce out there, and makes me feel alone and not trusting of him anymore.

So our latest fight is over his ex wife (again)... back story to this... when I met my husband he asked me to become friends with his exwife, because she had no friends and he wanted to her to move to our area-- she was living about 45 minutes away with his son-- they shared custody. I thought that was super weird, but eventually caved and her and I started hanging out and going out for drinks and going on walks-- she did not know that I was dating her EX... she just knew that I was friends with him. Eventually he let her know that he was dating me and that is when things got really weird. She wanted to do everything with us-- if we were going to the movies or bowling or anything she wanted to come -- I was not up for that-- but my husband tried to convince me to do it-- because his ex wife had the power over how much he could see his son. She would also try and constantly prove to me how much power she had over him when we would go out, she would always be texting him and going over to his house whenever she wanted (she had divorced him, but it was apparent she still wanted him to be in her pocket and not move on). The first huge ordeal came when we decided to go camping for a week during the summer and she wanted to come with us--- I said ABSOLUTELY NOT... my husband (boyfriend at the time) tried to convince me otherwise--- which to me is just freaking looney-- well when he finally broke the news to her that she couldn't come-- she decided to move away again (she had in the mean time moved to our same town). and she wanted to enforce the actual parenting plan-- which gave my husband every other weekend--- versus the pretty much 50/50 custody that had been sharing. Because of course she wanted to exert her control. So we hired an attorney and put a restraining order on her from moving his son-- we after a year in court won 47% custody-- and won that my step son has to attend school in our school district.... so that was awesome-- but $25,000 and one year of stress -- made me dislike her even more-- ...

I have been very clear with my husband that I want separate lives from his EX -- (this is what he considers me controlling everything)... I understand they have to joint parent their son-- (I have raised 3 prior step kids for 16 years).... But I don't want to do joint birthday parties, and joint camping trips and if we can avoid it-- I would like to just be as separate as possible. She still tries to control my husband and in reality is still in love with him-- when she is inappropriate like posting pictures of him and her as her facebook cover page --when he is married to me-- he thinks I am nuts for thinking that is ludacris and wanting him to address these things. I feel he encourages her behavior and leads her on-- I think he does it on purpose to have more control of when he wants more time with their son -- or to keep the peace. But as the wife-- I think it is very rude to not say something-- like hey that is inappropriate and I am married, please stop doing that. She wants him very badly back in her life-- and he doesn't put up boundaries on a consistent basis. He will do it sometimes, but as soon as he is somewhat nice to her again-- she starts the cycle all over.

So our latest fight -- revolves around his EXS new best friend... she has bonded with a lady from Cub scouts that my step son is in. She does everything with her and their kids-- they go to church together, hang out every weekend together, and so on and so forth-- well my husband announced to me that he really likes this ladies husband and wants to start hanging out with him more along with the kids-- my husband does not have any close friends in our area (they all live on East Coast)... so he has in reality really been trying to find friends that are our age and have kids that are the same age to play with.... Well... I throw a fit and say absolutely NOT I do not want to hang out with his EX'S best friend's husband and their kids-- I think that it is super inappropriate-- I tried to lay down the law... and to be in my head it is freaking ludacris. I can't get her far enough away from us-- and now he wants to have mutual friends-- he even said that-- he thinks that it is in his sons best interest to have mutual friends.

So anyways after me laying down the law, I got the texts from my husband that he is done, and that he is sick of me controlling his life and who he can have as friends, etc. and in reality I am extremely controlling. But some of this stuff to me is black and white.


I feel that he knows how much I want to not be around his EX or have her in our lives, and then he constantly pulls stuff like this... his new demands are that I need to stop being so controlling about his EX..


I know it sounds like I am jealous... BUT she is not attractive what so ever, and super annoying-- I know my husband does not like or love her in anyway... so it is not a jealousy thing. I just want him to respect his current wife (me) and put me first and stop allowing his EX to creep into our lives. I want him to at all costs protect his wife and want to make me happy and strive to make sure that I am #1. and I know that He knows that his EX still has a thing for him, and I know he knows he manipulates her by using that -- but he constantly denies it. 

Soooo I am needing to figure all of this out--- I need to figure out how to not care. and I need to learn how to react differently instead of putting down ultimatums and constantly laying down the law. I need to learn to communicate differently so that I can be a better person. I really love my husband, and eventhough we fight a lot, it would have never crossed my mind to divorce. It has never entered my mind-- even when we have blow outs. So needing to find out how to deal with all of this.


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## T1215 (May 27, 2015)

You can't force your husband to push his ex away if he does not want to. He will just end up resenting you. When you marry somebody who has a child and ex, you have to accept that part of his family. Don't let her get to you. My husband has forced me to set boundaries with my parents, but I just feel like he's making me push them away when I don't want to. I now resent him and constantly fantasize about divorce.


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## T1215 (May 27, 2015)

T1215 said:


> You can't force your husband to push his ex away if he does not want to. He will just end up resenting you. When you marry somebody who has a child and ex, you have to accept that part of his family. Don't let her get to you. My husband has forced me to set boundaries with my parents, but I just feel like he's making me push them away when I don't want to. I now resent him and constantly fantasize about divorce.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Holy cow he has some boundry issues around his x wife. I'm all for putting the kids first and having joint parties if everyone can behave but why would you ever need to be friends with her is beyond me. I would never be friends with my gf x husband but we can be civil at thier sons birthday party.

I do think you both need some counseling to figure out boundrys. I think he is being crazy wanting you to be her friend and you are a bit controlling to say they can't have things like joint parties. Those are for the kids not the adults. 

Try counseling I hope it helps


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You are turning this into something about you when it is about his son. He wants his son to have some consistent playmates, so being friends with the ex's friends makes sense to him. (Not that he's right, but that's later)

I don't really understand why shared birthday parties--for the child, that is--would be off the table. The kid deserves to have both his parents present if the adults can be decent about it. They should be, too. 

But even if this is about his son--and not about you--your h is wrong to manipulate the child's mother in any way. His son will come to understand and resent it; it's cruel and wrong. H has 47% custody, which gives him a good amount of time with his son. He owes it to his son to respect the time the child spends with his mother and to stop interfering so selfishly. 

They are divorced. Creating clear boundaries for two separate families is important for their son. Yes, they need to work together occasionally (xmas, birthday, thanksgiving maybe), but most other stuff should be kept separate. His son will do well as long as h and the ex do not try to get their son to "take sides." They need to be scrupulously fair in this matter and never talk down the other parent. But taking it to the other extreme--all this "let's do everything together" business--is equally confusing, esp. to a young child. 

Putting the kid's needs first make it pretty clear your h is behaving badly. Nothing justifies manipulating the ex-wife and the sooner h realizes this will be damaging to his son, the better. It solves your problem too, but not because you "need" to be first--that isn't even the issue. Still, it should help get the ex disentangled from your life. 

You might as well try another tactic, b/c if you keep trying to make this about you, you will lose. He'll choose his son.


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## Ginevra (Nov 11, 2013)

Yeah he's manipulating her. Tough situation, as he is doing it to keep a relationship with his child. Something needs to be done about the ex wife and her lack of boundaries. If anyone needs counseling it sounds like it's her. Be as diplomatic as possible, even friendly, but that's not to be confused with befriending her on a level which involves hangout time. That's nuts. Hope you can work something out but I would think that continuing to be nice to her will make that a lot easier.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well this was all set up by you making friends with her and lying about your relationship with her ex.

But, I think that your husband has huge boundary issues. Birthdays can be done either together or separate, giving the child 2 birthday parties. There is nothing wrong with doing them together. You have the option of not attending or only being there for a short while.

Things like camping trips.. nope. I would refuse. 

Friends with her best friend and husband. I would refuse that too. Kids can have different set of friends when with the other parent.

Does your husband spend any time, with you, with his ex?

I think that the two of you need to go to a marriage counselor to negotiate an agreement on how much the ex is in your life.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

He is more than a little strange. Telling your wife to be friends with the ex is weird and likely to cause problems and obviously did. 

Having some discussion makes sense, but admitting your wrong is unreasonable because he has a problem with boundaries and your inability to accommodate this F-ed up scenario he created does not make you a bad person.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

His boundaries obviously need work. 

MC could help both of you.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

He has not changed. You married into this The situation is strange, but you did choose it.

If he is being a good father to his son, and he has no emotional connection to his ex, then you should tolerate this for the sake of the child.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I too don't understand the problem with shared birthday parties for the child...we often have shared parties for my (step)daughter, and last year me and hubby, my mum and bio mum and her partner went out for lunch with the little person - because she wanted to spend her birthday with both of her parents. Kudo's to my hubby and his ex wife for being big enough to put their daughter first I say.

The friends thing is a little weird, but honestly - my stepdaughter has had playdates here after school, and of course the parents know her mother too...it's just the way it is.

Hubby and I wouldn't hang out socially with his ex wife (unless it involved their daughter) and they don't share mutual friends - that would be weird.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

skye4338 said:


> posting pictures of him and her as her facebook cover page --when he is married to me-- *he thinks I am nuts for thinking that is ludacris*


This says it all. 

Your husband has HUGE issues with boundaries. 

With that going on - I wouldn't want shared birthday parties either. Ex is blatantly disrespecting you, and hubby is disrespectfully allowing it, and gaslighting you. 

After that crap is ironed out, THEN shared bday parties could happen, but not until then. Or you're just enabling his lack of boundaries.

Kids will be just fine celebrating things separately - they are resilient. They are also very perceptive. If you think they don't notice that tension between you all, you're dead wrong.

Best place to iron this stuff out is MC.


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