# Same Song & Dance, it's a neverending cycle and I don't know what to do



## toomuch (Mar 6, 2012)

I don't know where to start, if I started at the beginning my post would go on for days and days. 

I have been married since 1990, and things have always been rocky - it's weird. I always thought in some ways we had a good marriage, but I don't understand him really. 

My husband has been a musician from a young age, that's the only job/career he had during our entire marriage. I was always the one who worked and brought home the money to support our family. I started my own business in 1998 and he's always been a house husband and played in bands.

Now, he 'retired' about 5 years ago, and the ONLY income we have had has been from my business. I do resent the fact that the entire burden and responsibility has been on my shoulders all these years. He was also really bad about not wanting to discuss bills with me, then when something wasn't paid he would yell at me and tell me I couldn't manage money. It was never a team effort for sure. 

Money is not the only issue, actually, it's quite small in comparison to the other issues. 

I do think he is bi-polar or something. He is an alcoholic. He is verbally abusive to me and has been for some time. He does not call me names, he does yell and slam things, and throw things. 

This usually starts when I voice my opinion and it's different from his. When we were a lot younger, it could have been because I liked country music - that would send him into a rage. 

Now, it's politics. I disagree with him, speak my mind and never here the end of it. it's not a normal discussion, he wants to win at all costs, and I don't like that. 

Every single time we have had a 'big blow up' - its been because I have spoken my mind about something and he didn't like what I had to say.

He takes everything way too seriously, and yet tells me he's easy going? what? 

There are times when things have started and we ahve been fighting for hours, he calms down, takes a turn, and makes everything look like it's my fault. 

Our pattern, we fight, I leave, he leaves the house, I go back to the house, he calls in 2-3 days and apologizes cries that he has nothing and can't make a living now and he will end up on the streets if I don't take him back. Also, when we are apart he always just drinks the whole time. I am not going to say he stays drunk because he has such a high tolerance now, that is his normal I think. 

So, that's our pattern, and I just want to stay strong to break this pattern. 

What do I do when he says he has nothing and it's my fault? 

What do I do when he says I am turning our kids against him? 

He will call and cry and say he loves me - how do I not feel guilty? 

* Also, our kids are almost 20 and 22, they have seen this cycle for the past 10 years. The first 10 years, we didn't fight because I let things go and avoided the conflict. 

Also during the first 10 years in my 20's we hardly had sex at all - and I always felt reject - only in the past few years has he been interested in sex at any deep level. AND he pretends all those early years didn't' matter. I am sure he wasn't cheating, just had sexual dysfunction and was embarrassed - but I always thought it was me - he never told me the truth about it -anyhow - now he takes Viagra so problem solved for him. AT 45 my drive has dipped a bit and he says I don't love him anymore - he's very needy emotionally now. weird. I

n my mind he had his chance when was in my 20's and 30's and now he needs to be patient and wait for me. If we get back together, and it's looking more and more like we won't. 

He always tells me not to dredge up mistakes from the past, that's his get out of jail free card for sure. 

I need to stay strong to move on.

Any advice is welcome. 

Thanks for reading my post.

N.:scratchhead:


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

It sounds toxic, whats keeping you with him? 

My suggestion, is both of you need counseling if you want to try and salvage this, and even thats no guarantee. There is several issues that need to be dealt with. He might need to seek out AA and he needs to be seen by a doctor for his bipolar. Is he on meds for that? 

All you can do is try and all you can do is try to take care of yourself. You can ask him to go to counseling or the doctor or AA but that doesn't mean he will. So you need to do whats best for you. If he wont go to counseling you still need to go. Talk with them and tell them what you have told us here, maybe they can offer some suggestions for you. 

In the end after you feel you have tried all that you can and if he hasn't done anything to make an effort, then you will need to make a choice. If this how you want to continue to live your life? If you feel you deserve better, then you probably do.


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## debs (Jun 13, 2011)

Break the cycle.....I can hear that you are at the end of your tether. Ask yourself why? Is it because you love him? Are you afraid of being alone? Are you feeling responsible insome way? Do you really think anything will change at this stage? You sound like the stronger one in the relationship. Think what you want for a change. Its so difficult to break the habit of a life time. 

I think he is trying to take control of your thoughts and opinions because he feels its the only power he has. He maybe sees that you have all the power in other areas of your relationship.

When he upsets you and makes you angry it has given him power. Then he can sit back and watch his work at work.

He is and always has been in controll of his own life and choices. You are not to blame for any of the above.

He sounds like he is emotionally weak and he is taking you down the giult road because of his weakness.

Be strong. He needs you more than you need him.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Too Much sorry you are here It sounds like he could benefit from from some IC. I feel that you should set some boundaries and if he cant live up to them then you should make other arrangements as he will stay enabled for as long as you let him. The saying Nothing changes Nothing changes comes to mind. Why are you the sole provider ? I thinkl i would encourage him to get a job and help you provide for your household just my opinion 

Good Luck


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

The previous posters speak a lot of sense. He has to get a job. You must 'force' him into it. Your kids are old enough what do they have to say. I wouldnt advise you to fight or to voice your opinion to him.


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## toomuch (Mar 6, 2012)

Thanks for those who responded so far. I am fed up, I do feel guilty, but I realize I must move on and relinquish that he is in total control of what he does with his life. 

To the one who asked about my kids - my son is fed up, my daughter is too but she's more sensitive to her Dad. Neither of them want us to together if we will continue to hurt each other. 

I really know what needs to be done, it's just overcoming the guilt I feel for leaving him. I do love him, but I can't be in love and be in this situation anymore. 

I agree with the control issue; I never thought of it that way but that's probably true. 

I failed to mention earlier that my Mom - who I was very close to - just passed away a few months ago from a 3 year battle with cancer. He did not go to the funeral with me; as he didn't want to be around my family. My Mom loved him dearly and they had a connection. It really hurt that he didn't go with me and support me at that time. I never really told him that, I just pretended to be okay with it.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Sounds like he has already checked out I would do the same and not look back
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

toomuch said:


> To the one who asked about my kids - my son is fed up, my daughter is too but she's more sensitive to her Dad. Neither of them want us to together if we will continue to hurt each other.
> 
> /QUOTE]
> 
> ...


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## toomuch (Mar 6, 2012)

thanks so much Trey69 - that helps alot. All the words everyone is sharing is really helping me today.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

toomuch said:


> He is an alcoholic.
> 
> He is verbally abusive to me
> 
> ...


To begin with, you are dealing with an alcoholic. DENIAL is the name of the game. He says he's an easy-going guy, but you see the exact opposite. Again, classic denial.

Of course it's your fault. His not working and sponging off you is your fault, you disagreeing with his views on anything is your fault. Heck, original sin is your fault. It's the denial that fuels the perpetuation of the addiction. It also fuels the drama. And once you get involved with an A ("alcoholic"), you are in for one heckuva wild ride.

Sure, he cries and begs for you to come back. You are his meal ticket. He will continue to do this as long as you allow it to continue.

I want you to read this. It was written by the founder of a recovery board for addicts and codependents (who frequently are married to, or involved with, addicts):

*WHAT ADDICTS DO*

My name is Jon. I am an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot and will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, are my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. 

You are a tool to me; something to use. When I say I love you, I am lying through my teeth becuae love is imossible for someone in active addiction. I would not be using if I loved myself, and since I do not, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by drugs and/or booze, that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you, lie to you, cheat on you, and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using and/or drinking, and then follow up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that is what addicts do.


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## toomuch (Mar 6, 2012)

Thanks Prodigal - all makes perfect sense. I really do get it. I watch Intervention and Dr. Phil - but it's different when it's someone else's life! 

He has been 'pretending' to not drink as much - I know he should not be drinking at all - but it's still 6 pack a day - and wine if we have it. 

He's bad about not leaving wine in the fridge - I know, I know - there's booze he's not gonna save it. I had chocolate wine that he tasted and did not like - guess what??? I had 1 glass and the rest is gone, gone, gone. 

He is so good at hiding it, most of the time I can't tell when he's been drinking and when he hasn't. And if I ask, he get's really mad. 

Whatever, I am pretty much done with the marriage at this point. I don't see anyway of looking back now. 

I am going to seek counseling for myself, and my kids as well.

Thanks


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## toomuch (Mar 6, 2012)

quick update on my situation - 

He's now in the 'i will do anything to get you back' phase. Calling; emailing telling me he can't believe that I have changed so much in a week. That 'you are not the same girl I married' - you are not my wife. Why are you acting this way? 

I will do anything..I love you...how many times do I say I'm sorry. 

What he doesn't get, is that just isn't enough anymore.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

toomuch said:


> quick update on my situation -
> 
> He's now in the 'i will do anything to get you back' phase. Calling; emailing telling me he can't believe that I have changed so much in a week. That 'you are not the same girl I married' - you are not my wife. Why are you acting this way?
> 
> ...



My situation does not deal with alcohol specifically, but an addiction nonetheless... this is something I learnt over the past 6 months...

"When a man repeats a promise 
again and again,
always with apoligies, 
he means to fail you”

Be strong with steadfast boundaries.


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## charlie18 (Mar 12, 2012)

He is in a pit and he is trying to bring you down with him so he doesn't have to take responsibility for himself. He is a child. Get away from him if you have any intention of enjoying the rest of your life.

Do it and do it now.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

toomuch said:


> I will do anything..I love you...how many times do I say I'm sorry.


Here's a suggestion: Tell him "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it. Tell him to get his a$$ into A.A. and start working a program. Tell him to get a sponsor and get sober. 

Then come back here and let us know what song he starts singin' .... My guess is he'll start turning the tables and blaming you again.

Get away from this train wreck, and allow him the dignity of hitting his bottom or destroying his OWN life - without you.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

toomuch said:


> Things have always been rocky.... I do think he is bi-polar or something.


TooMuch, the behaviors you describe -- strong verbal abuse, event-triggered temper tantrums, quick Jeckyll-and-Hyde transformations, refusal to accept responsibility, clinging behavior, and inappropriate anger -- are not the traits of bipolar disorder. Rather, they are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has.

A recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 24% of the adults with alcohol dependence also have BPD at the diagnostic level (i.e., full-blown BPD). Of those who are dependent on alcohol or any other drug, the incidence of BPD is 46%. That 2008 study, funded by the National Institute of Mental Health, can be seen at Prevalence, Correlates, Disability, and Comorbidity of DSM-IV Borderline Personality Disorder: Results from the Wave 2 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions.

I mention this because, if your H has strong BPD traits, eliminating the alcohol would not solve his underlying problems. Instead, it would take at least several years of intensive therapy for him to learn how to manage his issues (BPD can be managed, not cured). The chances of his being willing to do that are very small. Because BPDers have difficulty controlling their emotions, many of them "self medicate" -- using alcohol to deaden their senses and calm themselves down.

I cannot tell you whether his BPD-like behaviors are due to the alcoholism itself or, rather, to his having strong BPD traits. I can tell you, however, where to start looking if you want to find out: his childhood experiences and the way he behaved before he became an alcoholic. If he does have a pattern of strong BPD traits, that pattern would have started showing itself by his mid-teens, well before he became alcoholic. 

Such traits, being firmly engrained in the personality, do not vanish for a year or two. Rather, they are persistent. They typically will disappear only for short periods -- e.g., for six months during the honeymoon period -- when a person is infatuated with his partner.

If you would like to read more about what it is like to live with a BPDer, I suggest you read my description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread at My list of hell!. If those behavioral traits sound familiar, I would be glad to discuss them with you and point you to excellent online resources. Take care,TooMuch.


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## toomuch (Mar 6, 2012)

thank you Uptown for the information. I am so confused. 

He called this morning, that's his pattern, he calls in the morning because he assumes I am up early because I can't sleep without him. 

He said he was going to go to AA, and didn't want me to move out. He wants to go to AA, and quick fix and us stay together and work it out as a family. 

I think we need time apart while he goes to AA and works on his issues. 

I just was approved for a rent house, and we will be moving. So, he can come back to this house and work on is issues. 

I hope it works, I would like to reconcile, but not if he wont get help.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

TooMuch, what was his childhood like? Any childhood abuse or abandonment by an emotionally unavailable parent? What was his behavior like before he became alcoholic?


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## toomuch (Mar 6, 2012)

His childhood was not good. 

He was molested by a cousin at the age of 4, the cousin was 18. This happened whenever the family would get together, usually holidays. I just realized why the majority of our huge blowups happened around the holidays because his drinking increases to deal with the memories, I guess. 

He was also molested by a neighbor for about 3 years, from the time he was 11 until he was 14. This is a very small town, the kids walk home from school. and when he was a child it was an even smaller 'safer' community. Leave the doors unlocked kind of town. This guy lived 2 houses down, and lured him by having chickens and other animals. My husband was not the only boy molested by this sicko, he's dead now (the sicko) may he rot forever....

I get so mad just thinking about his childhood. His mother has always been addicted to pain killers. He said that started in the 70's - of course during his formative years. She even told me herself that her kids' childhood was all a blur to her. She is one of those people, fed he kids coffee and donuts for breakfast. She's not the loving, nurturing type of mother. He has had a horrible relationship with her his entire life.

He started drinking and smoking pot when he was 12. He did ALOT of drugs, pot, coke, acid, meth you name it. He was mostly clean of drugs when we met, even though, once in a while he would do some drugs with his buddies. The first time I left him for an extended period was in 2000 when he was gone for 3 days with some band mates doing meth. That was really really bad. I was never one to judge on smoking pot and social drinking, but meth? gone for 3 days! Our kids were young then, it was a horrible experience.

His parents divorced when he was 14 - he moved to live in the country with his Dad. If you can believe it that neighbor even went to that house and molested him there! I guess it stopped when he got old enough to finally say NO. He started getting girlfriends and maturing and wasn't interesting to the perv. anymore. 

All the while neither of his parents had a clue. His Dad tried to show him unconditional love and take care of him when the lived together, but he was old school and was a little rough around the edges. 

He's dropped out of school in 8th grade, and starting playing in bands for a living at the age of 17. I really don't know what happened from 14 -17 - guess he just lived in the country with his dad, raised his chickens and learned to cook. He's a wonderful cook! He is also very very smart, dropping out of school was a mistake, because he could have gone so far in life. 

His parents just let him quit. That ticks me off too, both of our kids are in college, he sees how important education is. 

Anyhow......that's his back story!


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## toomuch (Mar 6, 2012)

AND one more quick sidenote; a few years ago he had an argument with his mom and went for several months not speaking to her. She saw me at the grocery store and started yelling at me, like it was my fault! I told her how he was molested all those years, and she denied it and said it never happened. this old woman is horrible. she never told him she was sorry for not seeing he was being molested, still denies it after all these years


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

toomuch said:


> He said he was going to go to AA, and didn't want me to move out. He wants to go to AA, and quick fix and us stay together and work it out as a family.


Talk is cheap. Tell him you want to see at least six months of working a serious program, along with sobriety. Then you will consider reconciliation. 



toomuch said:


> I think we need time apart while he goes to AA and works on his issues.


Absolutely the right thing to do. May I suggest you also give Al-Anon a try? The only request that is made to new members is they try six meetings to see if it's a fit for them. If not, then that's fine. I had several Al-Anon meetings I found that were fantastic. It kept me dealing with my own issues and taught me to keep my hands off the alcoholic's issues.

I'd also suggest you get a copy of the classic, _Codependent No More_ by Melodie Beatty. She is a recovering addict/alcoholic who also wrestled with major codependency issues. It is a very insightful book.

Please keep in mind that alcoholism is a progressive disease, and left untreated, it gets worse over time. Also, if your partner stops drinking but doesn't work a program, all you end up with is a "dry drunk" who is still bogged down in all the stinkin' thinkin' that goes hand-in-hand with addiction.

As far as his mother being in denial overdrive .... this is perfectly normal in a family plagued by addictions. Denial is the name of the game. There's a pooping elephant in the middle of the living room, and everyone just ignores it.

You have to get out of his business - because he will continue to manipulate you to draw you back in - and deal with what is on your side of the street. He wants his enabler back. Don't give into him.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Sounds familiar... my husband does something like this "repeated pattern" I too think he is bi-polar, but he refuses to see a doctor and get help.

In my honest opinion, if they cannot change to make situations better and repeatedly do that change in character/mood so often... they may need extra help!

Whether this is bi-polarness or alcoholism, BOTH cases need outside help, or it is like a broken record over and over again.... 

I have yet to fix my problem to get him help because I can't force someone who doesnt want the help... so again.. the broken record plays...


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

toomuch said:


> He has had a horrible relationship with [his mother] his entire life.... His childhood was not good. He was molested by a cousin at the age of 4, the cousin was 18. ...He was also molested by a neighbor for about 3 years, from the time he was 11 until he was 14.


Having strong BPD traits is believed to be caused genetics and/or childhood abuse or abandonment by an emotionally unavailable parent. Indeed, 70% of BPDers report that they were abused or abandoned in childhood. Although most abused children do NOT develop BPD, such abuse GREATLY raises the risk of doing so -- and this is especially true when that abuse was sexual. 

Such trauma is so damaging to the person's emotional core because it happens at age 3 or 4, right when the child is trying to develop a sense of self. It interrupts that process, causing the child's emotional development to remain frozen at that young age all through adulthood (unless he obtains years of intensive therapy).


> He started drinking and smoking pot when he was 12. He did ALOT of drugs, pot, coke, acid, meth you name it.


Although the damage to BPDers typically occurs before age 5, the acting out symptoms usually do not show themselves as a serious problem until puberty occurs at age 12 to 14. Then, the person has to struggle with the hormone rush at the same time he is trying to establish close LTRs outside the home.


> I just realized why the majority of our huge blowups happened around the holidays because his drinking increases to deal with the memories, I guess.


Perhaps so. Yet, if your H has strong BPD traits, there is another explanation too. BPDers not only fear abandonment but also the engulfment (i.e., suffocation) felt during truly intimate moments (not just sex but, rather, during real intimacy). This is why a BPDer will usually push you away -- by creating an argument over absolutely nothing -- immediately after a very intimate evening or a great weekend spent togther. 

With BPDers, then, it is common for the very worst fights to follow on the heels of the very best times, e.g., a great time spent on an expensive vacation. My exW, for example, ruined most of our vacations so I stopped spending much money on such getaways. If I was going to be frozen out in icy withdrawal, I could do that at home for free.

TooMuch, did you have a chance to check out the discussion of BPD traits in Maybe's thread? If so, did most of them sound very familiar to you?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

savannah said:


> My husband does something like this "repeated pattern" I too think he is bi-polar....


Savannah, I believe that the behaviors you describe for your H are characteristic of BPD traits, not bipolar traits. I explain how I arrive at that conclusion in your thread at
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiet...-husband-dragging-me-down-too.html#post629844. I hope you find it helpful.


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## toomuch (Mar 6, 2012)

So, he went to an AA meeting, brought me his chip they gave him for being 24 hours sober - this was from when he went on Monday - he said this chip is for you, the next one is for me. He's making all these grand gestures now, crying real tears, and admitting things he never admitted to in the past. Like lying to my face when I ask if he's been drinking. 

He's really really good at hiding it and most of the time he really doesn't seem 'drunk' - what you think 'drunk' is - I just see his personality shift more than anything - and that's when I know. He doesn't slur his words, or walk wobbly, he just get's really intense - and every discussion is intense and must be debated. 

I am moving to the new rent house this weekend, and he's moving back to this house at the same time. He's been staying with his mother - and really struggling there - everything about that house and just being in her presence triggers him - and as far as I know he hasn't drank this week. Being at this house, with his garden and animals should be therapeutic for him - i hope. 

He has made tons of apologies to me this week, and he wants to see our kids - they don't want to see him yet - they are really standing their ground on this one - and that actually helps me! Our daughter is really upset by her Dad's behavior, and refuses to talk to him or see him. She will be 20 this month. Our son, is rather indifferent, just tells me he doesn't want me to get hurt and to be careful. He's 22, and not his bio son, but we have been married since my son was 10 months old. He's the ONLY father he's ever known. 

I do love him, and it's hard to go through this. He already wants us to go on a 'date' to repair our marriage. I don't think it's a good idea this soon. But, at the same time I want to just give in! He says if we are intimate then that will give him the boost he needs to keep pushing forward, he needs us to 'reconnect'. I would like that, too. But, I don't want to reconnect just to be crushed again in a few weeks or sooner! 

How can I tell him, no intimacy, until I am ready? This might be a setback for him, or an excuse to just drink. He will take it as a form of rejection. He all of a sudden is very very needy. 

I need my wife, I need my family....I love you and I'm sorry. I am sorry you had to compete with the mistress in my life. That's what I have been hearing this week. I believe he means it, in the moment, but what about the long run? ugh.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

toomuch said:


> I do love him, and it's hard to go through this. He already wants us to go on a 'date' to repair our marriage. I don't think it's a good idea this soon. But, at the same time I want to just give in! He says if we are intimate then that will give him the boost he needs to keep pushing forward, he needs us to 'reconnect'.


Okay, I know everything I need to know about your husband. He is not the one who is posting here; you are. So let's get the focus onto you. To begin with, your husband may be bipolar, depressed, or any other mental illness label. Those diseases cannot be treated successfully until the addiction is addressed.

It is HIS addiction. He owns it, not you. Sorry if I'm coming across as tough, but I can "hear" in your post how you are trying to be strong, but you are still waayyyy too focused on him. Your here because YOU are having issues with the alcoholic in your life. YOUR LIFE. 

Don't buy into his crap for one single second. Having sex, going on a date, and "reconnecting" are not what gets an alcoholic sober. What gets an alcoholic sober is their desire, at any cost, to maintain sobriety. Please believe me when I tell you this: he is playing you like a violin. At this point in time, you shouldn't even be talking to him unless it's absolutely necessary. Step away from the addict. Addicts do not get sober for anyone else; they do it for themselves.



toomuch said:


> How can I tell him, no intimacy, until I am ready? This might be a setback for him, or an excuse to just drink. He will take it as a form of rejection. He all of a sudden is very very needy.


You're buying into the idea that you are somehow responsible for his drinking. He's probably been dumping the blame for anything and everything on you for so long, that you have bought into it. Did he drink when you guys had sex? Did he drink when he was under stress? Did he drink when things seemed to be going okay in the marriage? HIS DRINKING HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. He drinks because he is addicted to alcohol. You played a role in the addictive process. 

What do you tell him? How about, "I do not want to be intimate with you or date you at this time. I am not ready. You have only been sober for a week or so. I need to work on my own recovery. If you have problems with what I am telling you, please speak with someone at A.A. or your sponsor." 



toomuch said:


> I need my wife, I need my family....I love you and I'm sorry. I am sorry you had to compete with the mistress in my life. That's what I have been hearing this week. I believe he means it, in the moment, but what about the long run? ugh.


This is where you need a program of recovery. Again, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, get a copy of _Codependent No More_, get to an Al-Anon meeting, and if you can afford it, find a good addictions counselor. You are, to some degree, addicted to the role you have played in this marriage. You are strong enough to realize you need to be in a separate space, but you have to get to the point where you are strong enough to keep him from affecting your choices, your thoughts, and how you ultimately decide to conduct this relationship.


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## toomuch (Mar 6, 2012)

Prodigal, yes you are right, for the last 20 years my life has been my husband and kids, addiction or not I was wrapped up in making him happy at all costs - or keeping him happy. I know I need to do these things for myself. 

He does know how to manipulate me and plays me - I know that. In the moment I don't realize it though. When I step back I see it.

I gave him a good what to for yesterday when he said 'I can deal with not drinking and getting sober - the hard part will be the loneliness for not having my family here'...

I told him that he doesn't realize every fight, every argument, I have had to deal with raw true emotions - and he can numb it with alcohol or drugs when we were younger. When we fight and are apart, he doesn't worry about me and the kids - he only worries about himself then sets out a quest to get me back.

The fighting started when our kids were 12 and 10 - at least that's the first time I was strong enough to take a stand and leave. AND I asked him if he really understood why I left the first time 10 years ago?? Because he left me in a house in the country, no food, no money, 2 kids and it was very cold and winter time - no car - and he took my cell phone --- for 3 days he was off drinking and doing drugs with some band mates!!! Did he even think of us during that time??? NO! 

So- I don't want to hear about lonely. All these years of his drinking has led to this place and time in our life - this is the ramifications of it and he has to deal with it on his own. I will be his wife, I will not be his counselor or sponsor. I can't be. 

So..Prodigal...I totally GET IT! 

He wants to let things stay in the past - and I keep reminding him. 

I am going to get that book.

Thanks!


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