# Is my separation a shock tactic?



## GW77 (Apr 27, 2013)

The last six weeks has been hell!
Mid March my wife dropped a bomb on me by telling me that she wasn't happy. This came as quite a shock as the previous day was like any other in our happy marriage. We were just talking about holidays a few days earlier.

I realised that I had played a great part in this immediately. I had not been my usual self for a year or so. I saw a doctor the next day and was diagnosed with severe depression. In the test I was one point away from 72 hours hospital observation.
It was a surprise to me but a welcome relief to know why I felt the way I did.
4 days of pills later and I'm feeling like my old self again. In 18 months, I had lost both grandparents that I was very close to, hated my job and got involved in a house purchase with my brother that had turned sour.

Then the real bomb was dropped on me!
"My feelings have changed. I don't feel like I love you like I used to" she said
For the next four weeks of us living together, she alternated between "I need time to think" and "It's over" four times.
I had neglected her a lot. I was too depressed to pay much attention to her two requests of change. 

I handled this badly as most shocked spouses do. Crying, begging, anger, accusations of an affair etc. I did not see this coming at all! I felt like I didn't deserve this at all.

She moved out a week ago. Rented an apartment. A few days before she left I changed my attitude and accepted her idea of the separation. Told her that it would do us both good. That we would clear our heads, think about us, not date or sleep with others and talk about reconcilliation in 3 months. We both agreed.

In the week that she's been gone, I have addressed all the negative aspects of my personality. Defensiveness, shutting myself away, and seeing things in black & white. I dealt with that by making peace with my previous girlfriend. Who had chronic mental health problems. Harming herself or me for two years. The nightmares, flashbacks and baggage I had from that period was gone.

I now wonder whether she wanted out of the marriage as a short, sharp shock tactic. To wake me up into shaking off my negative attitudes, get a better paying job and live a life beyond a simple plod. Which made me so unhappy.

We seem to be making slow progress. She contacts me first so I give her space. She's proud of me for the changes I've made.

We are only informally separated, no plans for divorce. She has two jealous friends that would like to see her marriage fail. Her family is in the US, we're in the UK, and I'm wondering why she's not on a plane back to them and the promise of a good job.
She also wanted me completely out of ear shot when she called her family too.

If it is a shock tactic, it's cruel, but I would rather that than lose my wife!
I'm well aware I needed a kick up the ass! LOL


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

If it is a shock tactic then it is because she feels that she has done everything else to get you to listen and you haven't. So, whether it is a shock tactic or not the one thing you better do is take it very very seriously.

Look at it this way. It's a last chance. Boy, I wish I had been given a last chance. You better do everything you possible can to grasp it with both hands and keep hold of it, or else you will be kicking yourself for the rest of your life if you let it slip through you fingers.

I have to say that I am also slightly disturbed that you say that you have addressed all your issues within the space of a week. That's not possible - it takes much longer for reflection, self-realisation, action, and breaking of old habits and ways of thinking and replacement with new. 

I'm sorry if I'm doing you a disservice, but both that comment and the tone of your post (which comes across as "if it's a deliberate shock tactic then I don't have to take it quite as seriously") come across as a bit complacent. Sorry to say that, but you are drinking in the last chance saloon and you need to realise that. I hope you do. Good luck, and use all the support that is available on here.


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## GW77 (Apr 27, 2013)

I admit it sounds crass to suggest I've solved those problems in a week, but all it took was that one phone call. I no longer carried any bad thoughts or memories toward my old girlfriend. I've not had a single flashback or nightmare since.

I'm well aware that at the moment I'm in the Last Chance Saloon to save my marriage. That is why I'm soaking up every piece of advice and positive I can find.

I made a few mistakes, but I was never a bad guy. My only concern with my wife is that she can often be a little selfish and would not compromise 1% with me to try and prevent this separation. I had to agree with her to keep peace and communication open.

I still feel quite positive we can save this wonderful fairytale romance. There are good days and bad with the anxiety and worry though.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

You went from severely depressed to almost all better after 4 days of pills?

Wow. It's my understanding that antidepressants take up to a month or more to start working and even then they don't fix everything they just help with coping by eliminating the emotional highs and lows.

I'd really like to know what medication had such a profound and fast effect.


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## GW77 (Apr 27, 2013)

20mg of Fluoxetine.
It wasn't so much the pills. More the realisation that I had depression and not just getting old and jaded.
The impending end of my marriage was also a swift wake up call! Piorities!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

GW77 said:


> 20mg of Fluoxetine.
> It wasn't so much the pills. More the realisation that I had depression and not just getting old and jaded.
> The impending end of my marriage was also a swift wake up call! Piorities!


Are you certain she isn't seeing someone else?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

northland said:


> You went from severely depressed to almost all better after 4 days of pills?
> 
> Wow. It's my understanding that antidepressants take up to a month or more to start working and even then they don't fix everything they just help with coping by eliminating the emotional highs and lows.
> 
> I'd really like to know what medication had such a profound and fast effect.


Lexapro works in 4 days.

They've come a long way in meds.

Are you a pharmacist?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> Lexapro works in 4 days.
> 
> They've come a long way in meds.
> 
> Are you a pharmacist?


I am - and I can confirm that patients do start feeling a lift from lexapro (generic escitalopram) in 4 days.

Now, the thing that bothers me the most about this thread is that the OP takes responsibility for everything that went wrong.

That's rarely helpful.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

GW77 said:


> I made a few mistakes, but I was never a bad guy. My only concern with my wife is that she can often be a little selfish and would not compromise 1% with me to try and prevent this separation. I had to agree with her to keep peace and communication open.


Sorry if I seem to hit you over the head again (although sometimes that what we need!), but all I can see here is your perspective and what you want. Compromise - not to mention a real relationship - requires you to understand her perspective as well (and to give it equal weight to your own). 



GW77 said:


> I still feel quite positive we can save this wonderful fairytale romance. There are good days and bad with the anxiety and worry though.


I'm sure that "fairytale romance" is just a turn of phrase, but just in case it isn't then fairytales tend to dissolve on first contact with the real world.


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## GW77 (Apr 27, 2013)

Yes, I'm certain there is no one else.
After a moment's paranoia, I realised that there is no evidence of an affair. Physical or emotional. She went to work and came home.
I have compiled a long list of possible reasons to back up my shock tactic theory. 

I do take the lion's share of responsibility. I wasn't the man she married for a while. I also acknowledge that with everyone in her family being divorced at least once, that she has few possible role models for marriage.


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## GW77 (Apr 27, 2013)

I certainly do put my wife first beyond myself. Have done for the majority of our marriage.
I should have mentioned that I believe she's under a lot of stress. Her eyes seem dead, she's lost a lot of weight and seems unable to make up her mind on anything to do with our marriage. She has made work her all consuming passion lately. It's all she talks about, to which I have always listened with interest.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Can't make up her mind?

She moved out.

I tend to watch what people actually do - rather than listening to what they say.


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## GW77 (Apr 27, 2013)

She actually initiates all contact, often. All positive.
I'm giving her all the space and time she needs to decide what she wants. I just hope that in time, we can recover this wonderful marriage that we both fought so hard for to have across the Atlantic and the terrible Immigration problems we had.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

20mg Fluoxetine is unlikely to have much effect so soon. Generally takes couple weeks or more to be fully effective.

That said i too had an immediate lift but like you, I beleive it was a natural lift due to having faced the problem and decided to do something about it.

Like you i took on all the blame for my breakup.

You know what you need to do though. Just stop for a minute and think. Why were you depressed. What things were you unhappy with?

You weren't depressed for "no reason", I'd be highly surprised if you can honestly say the marriage was perfect for you.

I tell you something. You should not believe for a moment its a shock tactic. This isn't a game and in the vast majority of cases, once they are gone, they are gone.

Maybe you will be one of the lucky few but its time to prepare yourself for the sad truth that as of now, she is gone.

I had a huge lift to my emotions when i was thinking.. fix myself and i'll fix my marriage. Was a sucker punch when i realised it doesnt work like that.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Also, you say no other man as no evidence.. err it's just a bit more complicated than that. She could be having a full on emotional affair without ever leaving the house. I'm not saying she is but don't dismiss the idea so lightly. If there is a posOM, there won't be evidence just laying around. You would have to actively look to find it in 99% of cases.

Second, putting your wife ahead of yourself is unhealthy. There is a wealth of information on this board to help get past that. It's no wonder she lost attraction to you if she saw you as a doormat.

Not an insult just an observation as you are far from the first guy to show up having put her before himself..


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Please forgive me if I sound harsh but why do people neglect their partners and then all of a sudden when the partner leaves they want to bend over backwards? It just reeks of phonyness (is that even a word?????); if you really cared all that much your partner's needs would have been on your mind regularly. This is what I had with my ex and to me it was phony, like my happiness wasn't important to him until his rear was on the line (me leaving) and then all of a sudden he wanted to work on things, but by then I was done. As long as he thought I was staying he really had no interest in me but when I left he claimed he never saw it coming, but that was because he didn't think I was going anywhere, not because he cared if I was happy or not. In fact, he knew I wasn't because I told him regularly but once again he didn't think I was going anywhere so it didn't matter to him. Marriages need regular maintenance and both partners should be regularly thinking about whether their partner is happy and cared for; when one partner neglects the other people start to detach and it's hard to come back from that because it's never really clear whether the neglectful partner is doing it to save their own rear. My husband's happiness is on my mind regularly; it's natural to have periods where you are self involved but the marriage should never be that far from your mind otherwise this happens.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I think you underestimate the effects of severe depression. I am sure there are plenty of cases as you describe but there are many cases where the husband bends over backwards doing "what he thinks" he should be doing to "make her happy". Far too often it turns out to not be what was wanted at all but its not always a lack of care.

Thats without severe depression on top. Honestly my first question here, is if he thinks he put her first why was she so unhappy. If it was such a fairy tale why was he depressed.


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## GW77 (Apr 27, 2013)

It's a good thing I'm on Prozac, or I would go pick up the divorce papers now after reading this lot.

I confess, I neglected my wife and the marriage for a short time. I was depressed. When you have that condition, everything you lived for gets lost in the fog. The last request she gave me was the week my grandfather was dying. I apologise for not being a go getting dynamo.
We promised each other, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse. 
I'm not the one running away here. Yet I am bending over backwards to save my marriage and would do more than that to make this work.


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## GW77 (Apr 27, 2013)

I became depressed due to the death of both my grandparents (who I was very close to), a job that I hated in a tough climate, and buying a house with my brother that tuned very sour and cost us more than we could afford.
Pressures on a marriage.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

GW77 said:


> It's a good thing I'm on Prozac, or I would go pick up the divorce papers now after reading this lot.
> 
> I confess, I neglected my wife and the marriage for a short time. I was depressed. When you have that condition, everything you lived for gets lost in the fog. The last request she gave me was the week my grandfather was dying. I apologise for not being a go getting dynamo.
> We promised each other, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse.
> I'm not the one running away here. Yet I am bending over backwards to save my marriage and would do more than that to make this work.


I respect that view, its the approach i took for months. that i must atone for my sins blahblah.

Seriously though, if the marriage was such a fairy tale why wasnt she the one you turned to? Did you feel unable to turn to her for some reason?


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## GW77 (Apr 27, 2013)

I hate to bring anyone down. My problems have always been my problems.
I realise now that is the wrong way to do things. Certainly won't forget that hard earned lesson.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I suspect you have other issues you need to look at beyond the depression.

Please don't take this wrong, i feel for you big time. I'm sure I remember someone else coming here not so long ago sounding very similar   ...

But I think you're feeding yourself a plate full of shyt. For a bit just think. You're marriage is over. There is a high chance it is over for ever.

Now forget the depression. Look a yourself. A long hard look inside. Are you happy with the man you are? Are you the best you can be?

The moment she left, it was too late to do anything for "her" or "your marriage". All that is left is to do things for yourself.

That doesn't mean be a selfish ass, it means focussing on ourself.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

K.C. said:


> I respect that view, its the approach i took for months. that i must atone for my sins blahblah.
> 
> Seriously though, if the marriage was such a fairy tale why wasnt she the one you turned to? Did you feel unable to turn to her for some reason?



Maybe you're right that I don't understand depression, though I certainly understand loss. I lost my father, whom I was very close to, last year and my life hasn't been the same since. I still have breakdowns from it, in fact I'm starting to have one as I type this. He was ill for several years and I was his emotional support, taking his calls at all hours of the night and helping him face his fears. I sat with him at the end and told him to go. Very emotionally draining, but I always turned to my husband for support, which he gave. I think your question about why if the marriage was so perfect he didn't turn to her is a good one. As for the people that do try and are unsuccessful, I feel for them and don't put them in the same category as those who neglect. OP, I would be willing to bet your wife doesn't have the same view of your marriage as you do, and what was working for you wasn't working for her. Maybe counseling can help if she's willing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GW77 (Apr 27, 2013)

I'd like to add one more thing.
Although she has been resistant to counselling and wanting to be on her own for a while, she has recognised progress.
During our last argument, she started crying and said "Y'know, earlier we were actually making progress".

As far as I'm concerned, my marriage is not over yet.
We were BOTH very happy for 6 years until the last couple of months. This is simply a rough patch that we will work through and build something stronger out of.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

GW77 said:


> I'd like to add one more thing.
> Although she has been resistant to counselling and wanting to be on her own for a while, she has recognised progress.
> During our last argument, she started crying and said "Y'know, earlier we were actually making progress".
> 
> ...


I'm curious what you want us to tell you.

Sounds like you've got it all figured out.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

GW77 said:


> I'd like to add one more thing.
> Although she has been resistant to counselling and wanting to be on her own for a while, she has recognised progress.
> During our last argument, she started crying and said "Y'know, earlier we were actually making progress".
> 
> ...



People don't usually move out over a couple of months rough patch, but maybe you're the exception. I wish you the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

GW77 said:


> I certainly do put my wife first beyond myself. Have done for the majority of our marriage.
> I should have mentioned that I believe she's under a lot of stress. Her eyes seem dead, she's lost a lot of weight and seems unable to make up her mind on anything to do with our marriage. She has made work her all consuming passion lately. It's all she talks about, to which I have always listened with interest.


Sorry GW77 but this has PA or EA written all over it whether you're willing to see it yet or not. Sometimes these things take the WS by surprise as well.

You say she only goes to work and home but you can't know that. And her interest could be from work anyway. That would explain why she's not running back to the states. It would explain why she needs her own place and time. It would explain "love but not in love". It would explain why she's lost weight.

You've managed to blame yourself for everything which is probably not accurate.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Conrad said:


> I am - and I can confirm that patients do start feeling a lift from lexapro (generic escitalopram) in 4 days.


Placebo effect, nothing more.



lifeistooshort said:


> Please forgive me if I sound harsh but why do people neglect their partners and then all of a sudden when the partner leaves they want to bend over backwards? It just reeks of phonyness (is that even a word?????); if you really cared all that much your partner's needs would have been on your mind regularly.


Of course you're right. It happens all the time.

Why? Because people are selfish. Suddenly they're losing the person that makes them feel good, so they feel bad so they try to win the person back. Not because they care about the other person but they don't want to feel bad.

That's just human nature. We take care of ourselves first and then the people around us. In that particular order.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

northland said:


> That's just human nature. We take care of ourselves first and then the people around us. In that particular order.


It may be human nature but it is far from a universal truth. In fact NOT putting yourself first can be very unhealthy for both you and your relationship imo.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

northland said:


> Placebo effect, nothing more.


Are you a medical professional?


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Are you a medical professional?


Yes. I am a medical professional licensed in my state. 

But it doesn't require a medical education to read up on the pharmacologic effects of these medications. They just don't build up to a concentration great enough in a 4 day period to have any significant effect on the human body, it's just that simple.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

northland said:


> Yes. I am a medical professional licensed in my state.
> 
> But it doesn't require a medical education to read up on the pharmacologic effects of these medications. They just don't build up to a concentration great enough in a 4 day period to have any significant effect on the human body, it's just that simple.


Lexapro's manufacturer got US FDA endorsement on their claim that the beneficial effects of the medication start on Day #4.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

northland said:


> Yes. I am a medical professional licensed in my state.
> 
> But it doesn't require a medical education to read up on the pharmacologic effects of these medications. They just don't build up to a concentration great enough in a 4 day period to have any significant effect on the human body, it's just that simple.


They built up fast enough in two days to turn my wife into a complete basket case and then took a few days to get out of her system. And that was very low dosage. Lexapro was one of several AD meds she tried.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Lexapro's manufacturer got US FDA endorsement on their claim that the beneficial effects of the medication start on Day #4.


Sure once the medication is in the blood stream it will start to have an effect but not to the point that a person is "back to their old self" in 4 days.



Thundarr said:


> They built up fast enough in two days to turn my wife into a complete basket case and then took a few days to get out of her system. And that was very low dosage. Lexapro was one of several AD meds she tried.


SIDE EFFECTS can be pronounced and severe after an initial dosage.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

northland said:


> Sure once the medication is in the blood stream it will start to have an effect but not to the point that a person is "back to their old self" in 4 days.


Get back to me when you're ready to discuss what I actually said.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Get back to me when you're ready to discuss what I actually said.


Sure thing.


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