# Neediness?



## ManOhMan2013 (Aug 1, 2013)

Is there really such a thing as neediness? For those who accuse a person of being "needy" are not they just as distressed when their needs are not met? I suppose neediness is a problem with certain people. But what exactly is neediness?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

From the Free Online Dictionary:

need·y (nd)
adj. need·i·er, need·i·est
1. Being in need; impoverished. See Synonyms at poor.
2. Wanting or needing affection, attention, or reassurance, especially *to an excessive degree*.

This is subjective. Some couples like needing each other more than others. The problem occurs when the two who are married have different levels of need and/or different types of need which do not complement each other.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

To me "neediness" is when a person relies on others to "make them happy". When we give over our own power to others, inevitably they will always come up short and fail us. We, on the other hand will never be "happy" because the ability to be happy only lies within ourselves. 

A needy person is subconsciously a selfish person and even at times they can be emotionally harmful to others. The expectations they put on other to "fill them up" is unrealistic and draining.

An example of this would be someone who wants to hang out with you ALL the time. They never seem to be able to find anything to do on their own. They depend on you to fill their social calendar and put on a pity parry when you don't. They may have no interests or hobbies that bring them happiness, unless you do it with them, and they may insinuate that it is your fault when they don't have a good time.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

there is. I know I am a "needy" person. It has become worse as the years of problems and stress have rolled by. I have very few friends, my marriage can be a rollercoaster, and there can be lots of financial stress. these combined have made me want extra validation and attention from others. since my wife is pretty much the only person I interact with, I was becoming unrealisticly dependent on her to validate and prop me up. it's been hard to move away from that, but I've been working on being more dependent on myself. losing weight, dressing better, doing things I like to do recreationaly, even though I have to do them by myself. I've even put myself out there and started making myself talk to people I run across who seem to have similar interests. someday maybe I'll have friends I can do things with. 

the point I'm trying to make, is that even though you will always have that "hole" inside, you can learn to help fill it yourself, rather than hoping someone else will.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

It is all about having an even balance. Of course when you get married you want to spend time with the other person. But as soulsearch stated, when you RELY on that person to constantly validate you, or Make you happy, this becomes unrealistic.

There is a difference between, say a H goes on a business trip for a week to, say Hawaii. He is seeing all these beautiful sights and shares with his W that he wishes she was there to share it with him (this is normal). VS a H that goes and refuses to go see any sights and stays in his motel room because his W is not there to go with him. He tells himself and her that he just cannot enjoy it without her even though she encourages him to go have fun (this is neediness).


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

I read an article on sex,attraction and love and it defined neediness as immaturity. I will buy that, coupled with insecurity and a hesitancy to stand on your own. I have been needy and as I realize I am on my own, no prince or father figure is going to help me and my children, I am less needy.

Mend your own hole from within, it is difficult but you can do it and then maybe the Universe will provide you with another healthy person. One can only hope right?


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

Yes LOL "needy" and "neediness" are now loaded words!


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

This is just my opinion. 2ntnuf, everyone has needs and desires. That is normal. Humans are social beings, we like (most of us anyway) being around other people. That is normal. We get married because we find someone that we enjoy, love and WANT to be around, do stuff with and share our lives with. Again, that is normal.

The term "neediness" really does suggest that there is some kind of emotional baggage going on with that person. The needy person then depends on others to "fix" their problem - whatever it is. Maybe their problem is they are afraid of abandonment and so they become overly clingy. Maybe they have slight depression and depend on others to lift their depression and make them happy. Or like soulsearch said, maybe they have lost their self value due to job failures, emotional abuse, etc. and they rely on others to fill that back up.

This is where "neediness" takes hold. When you depend on others to "fix" you, you are setting up a dependence on others to solve your emotional needs and they can't do that. This starts a vicious cycle that can lead to a co-dependent relationship. Eventually the other person becomes drained and resentful because the needy person never finds happiness, value, security or whatever it is they are needing. These problems have to be fixed from the inside, many times through counseling.

The difference between a "needy" person and someone who is say depressed is that the depressed person will go to the Dr. and/or counselor and try to get help. The needy person puts the responsibility of whatever is vexing them onto others. 
'If only you would do this, then I would be happy". "If only you were here with me, then I would be happy". "If only you would tell me I was a good person, then I would believe it". - But no matter how much the other person does or says what is "needed" it never changes. Again, it is because they are looking for someone else to MAKE them feel better. This cannot happen, we must be responsible for our own feelings, and only when a needy person realized this can they start to heal and stop the unrealistic expectations of others.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> A sort of blameshifting occurs? The needy tells the other spouse that they are the problem. The needy person thinks they don't have a problem.
> 
> Okay. Makes more sense. I can see that. I can see how that would make someone who is weak, codependent. A strong person would sit them down and tell them they will not stand for that and if they don't get help and change, they will have to leave.


Yes, I guess it is a type of blame shifting. But usually not in a hostile way. They "need" you - to do this or that. It is more of a "don't you feel sorry for me" type attitude.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

soulsearch said:


> there is. I know I am a "needy" person. It has become worse as the years of problems and stress have rolled by. I have very few friends, my marriage can be a rollercoaster, and there can be lots of financial stress. these combined have made me want extra validation and attention from others. since my wife is pretty much the only person I interact with, I was becoming unrealisticly dependent on her to validate and prop me up. it's been hard to move away from that, but I've been working on being more dependent on myself. losing weight, dressing better, doing things I like to do recreationaly, even though I have to do them by myself. I've even put myself out there and started making myself talk to people I run across who seem to have similar interests. someday maybe I'll have friends I can do things with.
> 
> the point I'm trying to make, is that even though you will always have that "hole" inside, you can learn to help fill it yourself, rather than hoping someone else will.


Thank you for sharing this with us. I know it wasn't easy.....


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

If you would like to start your own thread on the purpose of marriage, I would be happy to post there.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Sorry bud.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

JustHer said:


> To me "neediness" is when a person relies on others to "make them happy". When we give over our own power to others, inevitably they will always come up short and fail us. We, on the other hand will never be "happy" because the ability to be happy only lies within ourselves.
> 
> A needy person is subconsciously a selfish person and even at times they can be emotionally harmful to others. The expectations they put on other to "fill them up" is unrealistic and draining.
> 
> An example of this would be someone who wants to hang out with you ALL the time. They never seem to be able to find anything to do on their own. They depend on you to fill their social calendar and put on a pity parry when you don't. They may have no interests or hobbies that bring them happiness, unless you do it with them, and they may insinuate that it is your fault when they don't have a good time.


:iagree:

OMG you have described my stbxh

I am FRAMING this, so I never forget!


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

I'm serious.. I just printed it 

I think this tends to turn old and abusive really fast.. the neediness people describe is actually a testament of character IMO.

Now, if both of you are in your early 20's maybe being a bit needy is okay.. but in your 30's etc? It turns into a real problem because you tend to blame shift your insecurity onto that person who is supposed to make you "happy'

I can almost guarantee that if you match this up with someone impulsive and angry it's a total disaster that ends in a lot of heartache.

And I think there are severities of this, certainly it's different if you have this issue, recognize it, have no anger towards your partner and just genuinely need to work on yourself socially. 

BUT this is different than the type of person who will tear down your self esteem to build their non existent one up.

So is someone needy because they are insecure or is it more a manipulation tactic/control issue?

That's the difference I think. The insecurity? I could live with that and help my partner work on this.. but the other one? RUN as fast as you can.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

bunny23 said:


> I'm serious.. I just printed it :


Thank you bunny. I am glad it spoke to you. It is hard to tell on these posts if you are helping or not sometimes.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

We use the word "happy" a lot. I think the word "satisfied" is more appropriate. 

We can't always be happy. But we can be satisfied and know that we are doing our best within our ability. I think being satisfied is more akin to feeling peace .

gratitude goes hand in hand with feeling satisfied. you can hardly be grateful when you rely on someone else to fill that hole inside of you . the other person at best can only succeed occasionally . If all you can see is that deficit you won't be grateful when they do their best and it happens to coincide with what you want . 

I don't think anyone can be truly happy knowing that their spouse is too afraid to do anything but keep peace . knowing that contributes to insecurity . its all fake . it is all coerced. its a foundation built on shifting sands .

each of us at some time in our lives have been needy and you will be needy again in the future . if we haven't caused our spouse emotional fatigue they will have a lot less trouble being there to offer support. If they are condemned to a lifetime propping us up, no way .

when I look back on my periods of neediness and that's exactly what it was, I'm ashamed . I gave up my responsibility to someone else . 

now I'm not talking about when we were children and we needed nurturing to develop into loving "can do" people. without a few adults jumping in trying to show me that I could fill those holes myself through my own gifts and talents I wouldn't be where I am right now . I certainly wouldn't be talking to you . because Id have nothing to say of any value .

its when I was older and I let typically men be responsible for what was lacking inside of me that causes me shame. and she's probably not the right word but disappointment in myself . recognizing it and trying to do better has been the biggest factor in filling in the holes .

good luck everybody! it's tough to be human ! 

...You can't always get what you want, but if YOU try sometime you might just get what you need...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

JustHer said:


> Thank you bunny. I am glad it spoke to you. It is hard to tell on these posts if you are helping or not sometimes.


Well I think women, and I am no exception to this are just wired to be caring and put someones needs first. Sometimes we need to see things in black and white or reaffirm how we feel 

So yes I think the posts help us, always... even if we don't have the time to say "thank you" or we realize it too late.

I appreciate everyone on this forum very much. I had such a dark time a few weeks ago.. I was taking Xanax daily, sleeping.. thinking some insane thoughts about ending it all.. and then I got on TAM, read.. and pulled myself together.

I'm starting a new job tomorrow and am going ahead with my divorce from abusive arrogant stbx


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

The beauty of a forum like this is that you're spreading out the support load over dozens of people... and probably a lot more than that - the people that never post but are pulling for you .

Knock 'em dead tomorrow!!! A new job is very exciting! !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

JustHer said:


> To me "neediness" is when a person relies on others to "make them happy". When we give over our own power to others, inevitably they will always come up short and fail us. We, on the other hand will never be "happy" because the ability to be happy only lies within ourselves.
> 
> A needy person is subconsciously a selfish person and even at times they can be emotionally harmful to others. The expectations they put on other to "fill them up" is unrealistic and draining.
> 
> An example of this would be someone who wants to hang out with you ALL the time. They never seem to be able to find anything to do on their own. They depend on you to fill their social calendar and put on a pity parry when you don't. They may have no interests or hobbies that bring them happiness, unless you do it with them, and they may insinuate that it is your fault when they don't have a good time.


What you describe here could be called "THE SPONGE" taken from THIS BOOK

Can read the Sponge Chapter here >> High-Maintenance Relationships - Les Parrott - Google Books



> High Maintenance Relationships: The Sponge
> 
> *The Anatomy of a Sponge*
> 
> ...


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I think you misunderstand what we mean by satisfied. it certainly isn't the antithesis of happy. and it isn't equivalent of settling. perhaps you were thinking of the word resigned instead of satisfied. feeling satisfied doesn't involve a sense of helplessness. someone who is resign to their luck in life when their life isn't particularly good takes on an air of sadness. they feel stuck in a hole if they can't get out of. if you are truly unhappy yet you try to convince yourself otherwise you are anything but satisfied. 

being satisfied is not self deceptive. is it a game that you play to make yourself feel better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

JustHer said:


> This is just my opinion. 2ntnuf, everyone has needs and desires. That is normal. Humans are social beings, we like (most of us anyway) being around other people. That is normal. We get married because we find someone that we enjoy, love and WANT to be around, do stuff with and share our lives with. Again, that is normal.
> 
> The term "neediness" really does suggest that there is some kind of emotional baggage going on with that person. The needy person then depends on others to "fix" their problem - whatever it is. Maybe their problem is they are afraid of abandonment and so they become overly clingy. Maybe they have slight depression and depend on others to lift their depression and make them happy. Or like soulsearch said, maybe they have lost their self value due to job failures, emotional abuse, etc. and they rely on others to fill that back up.
> 
> ...


^ This!! 

My husband and I just got over a rough few days because of exactly this issue, which has never affected us in the past. 

*Brief background:* I returned to work last year after 2 years off. His daughter is about to turn 18 and there have been a lot of issues over her, including her wanting to move out, which leaves him feeling unwanted. Just weeks after starting a new position that required him to resign a union post he really cared about, he was forced to take off work for 3 months for surgery. When he returned this week, he discovered one of his primary tools to do his job had been given away to a different department, forcing him to rely on coworkers to get his own work done. 

*Trigger:* I'm captain of a pool team and we were scheduled for a big tournament this weekend. I somehow forgot that he was still able to play and relied on another player of similar skill level, who lost her match. 

*Events:* He flipped out on me! Said he couldn't believe I "forgot my husband," that I clearly valued the other player more than him. Three times I said, "I'm sorry. You're right" and "What can I do to make things right?" and about five minutes later he told me I refused to apologize! This led to three days of ongoing discussions where we examined what what happening. 

He admitted to feeling unappreciated, and said it was because I wasn't there for him as much. There's a lot of truth to that, since I'm now working full time. Where I was previously devoted just to him, I'm now balancing my boss, customers, and pool team members in addition to him. Home cooked meals are about once a week compared to five times weekly. He did all the laundry while he was off work and most of the other household chores. He only made about 60% of his pay while off work, which means I've been paying for more than I usually do, which I think bothers him to a small degree, too. I also recently picked up a deal that could potentially make me double his annual income in a single swoop. 

*Solution:* Those three days were un-freaking-bearable to me! He just wouldn't cut me any slack and found fault with EVERYTHING I said or did, it seemed! For instance, he got angry when I saw he needed something and went to get it while he finished doing something else because I didn't tell him I was walking away for 2 minutes. 

When I said that I wasn't ok with letting blame take over our relationship, he justified that he felt wronged, so it was ok to blame. He finally asked me to "be more considerate of his feelings." 

I told him that his request was unfair because he could always FIND a reason to feel slighted if he was looking for one (and believe me, he was!) If he wanted to make a request that could be measured, like "I'll feel important to you if you do X once a day," then I would agree, but otherwise I would not set myself up for something that could become manipulative.

*REAL Solution: *

1. We agreed to block the blaming. 
2. He acknowledged that he CHOSE to believe that my lapse meant I didn't care enough, and that he COULD choose to believe something else, like the pressure I felt eclipsed my awareness of him for a moment, but that this only meant that I was feeling pressured. 
3. He made the choice to attach a meaning that didn't lead to him feeling resentful.


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