# change and compromise? kinda long D:



## iamnothyper (Feb 20, 2011)

I am 18, and by no means married, but i figured you guys could help me. I read the "when its fair to expect change" thread and it got me wondering. My bf and I are at a breaking point and I'm no longer sure what to think.

First off, I have always felt that we rushed into things and that was basically the start of our problems. I felt that we experienced that initial "high" from being together, and went into it without much thought, without knowing each other all that well. Turns out, we are two very different people.

The very way we look at a relationship is different. To me, compromise is letting pass all the things that annoy me, getting over the things about him that i don't quite love and accepting the fact that he ain't gonna be perfect. Or trying to. To him, compromise is change. To change whatever is bad, to change for the other person, to change for the sake of the relationship. I see the logic, and it's not that i'm against change, its that i think it should be natural and not forced.

Change, that has been the root to all of our arguments. More specifically, him requesting me to change. At first, it was that i'm not expressive enough. By nature i'm more of an introvert, the type that doesn't really enjoy PDA and whatnot. I was reluctant at first, saying that "That's just the way I am." His response was that I can't use that excuse. That it's NOT who I am, but who I make myself out to be. I told him he's expecting too much from me, asking me to change who I am. He said, essentially, "Too much? All I'm asking for is a hug or a kiss. What guy out there could wait that long (at this time, 5/6 months or so) for a simple hug?" (It's not that I haven't kiss or hugged him. It's that I don't do it often enough or in public. And hugging, well, I've never been the hugging person so tt really just doesn't cross my mind.) I tried explaining how it was more than a simple hug and how every relationship, all people, are different. He said that its not even what HE thinks what a relationship should be like, but what society tells us is the norm. I ended up giving in to him and expressing more after a huge fight we had. 

Now though, he's asking me to change other things. I'm the type that gets sarcastic during fights, that sometimes scoffs at things cause I'm annoyed and bewildered. He wants me to change that. I'm the type to shut down when I'm upset and basically keep to myself, which in turn hurts him cause I'm ignoring him. He wants me to change that. I like pushing buttons, doing something more when you tell me to stop, for the small things like nudging him away or into someone. To me its playful humor, to him its annoying. He wants me to change that. The first two, even though in our fights I haven't agreed on change, I've been doing it anyway. But essentially, my response has always been " That's just who I am." He has always found me to be self-centered, stubborn, and selfish for not wanting to change. In fact, he wants me to change that selfishness and stubbornness too. 

To me, the things he wants me to change are part of me and what I'm comfortable with. It seems unfair that he should ask me to change myself. To him, its simply getting rid of the bad and making me into a better person. He sees me refusing to change as unreasonable. I kind of feel like I'm being suffocated by his expectations of me. I feel like we all have an idea in our minds of the type of person we want to be with, that "perfect" partner. I feel like he's been trying to make me into his, but he says this is not true. He does not have some ideal in his mind he's trying to work me up to. He's just trying to make me a better person and get rid of the things that aren't helping the relationship. Part of me is screaming, "I CANT BE PERFECT." Although yes, the things he wants me to change are the bad things, those bad things are all me. I guess I kind of feel like, after I change all these things will I still be me? If you have all these things you want to change about me, in the end, will it even be ME you like or just this version of me that you've essentially "made?"

But when I argue with him he makes me out to be ridiculous and I'm wondering if I am after all. I know I'm at fault for not willing to give up that much of myself and there are certainly things that need improving, but it feels like he thinks this is entirely my fault. Or at least, the things he says and the way he says them make it feel like that way. He feels like I'm purposely out to spite him, to instigate, when I'm really not. He's told me that he'll do everything, that I can carry on being selfish and stubborn while he does all the changing, which doesn't make the situation any better. 

I guess, my underlying question is: Is it really this unreasonable for me to not change? Am I being completely ridiculous when I say it doesn't feel fair to me? Am I being unfair to him?


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

First off, I just want to say that I am in my mid-30's and I'm not the same person I was at 18. Not even close. Even my thoughts on raising kids are completely 180. At 18 I used to be extremely passionate about raising kids a very specific way (my own perfect way). But now it's not the same thing. I am just like other parents dealing with kids who are just kids.

Anyway, just from reading your post, you and your guy have a lot to learn and grow into. Many years down the road you will probably realize that you do love hugging and kissing anywhere. You will change and sometimes the things you never cared for will be the things that matter the most. So, don't be so sure that, that's your true personality. Humans are meant to change and adjust to their environments. If one day, in your 20's or 30's or so, you have a terrible day at work with a super mean boss [or co-workers backstabbing you...or any other situations that cause a lot of thought in your "belief" of how things are/should be], and the only thing you want is your boyfriend/husband to hug you so that you can forget about those things for a moment while the warmth of his touch takes you far away from it all, you will realize that you've changed. 

Time will change you, whether you want it to or not.


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## iamnothyper (Feb 20, 2011)

moonangel said:


> First off, I just want to say that I am in my mid-30's and I'm not the same person I was at 18. Not even close. Even my thoughts on raising kids are completely 180. At 18 I used to be extremely passionate about raising kids a very specific way (my own perfect way). But now it's not the same thing. I am just like other parents dealing with kids who are just kids.
> 
> Anyway, just from reading your post, you and your guy have a lot to learn and grow into. Many years down the road you will probably realize that you do love hugging and kissing anywhere. You will change and sometimes the things you never cared for will be the things that matter the most. So, don't be so sure that, that's your true personality. Humans are meant to change and adjust to their environments. If one day, in your 20's or 30's or so, you have a terrible day at work with a super mean boss [or co-workers backstabbing you...or any other situations that cause a lot of thought in your "belief" of how things are/should be], and the only thing you want is your boyfriend/husband to hug you so that you can forget about those things for a moment while the warmth of his touch takes you far away from it all, you will realize that you've changed.
> 
> Time will change you, whether you want it to or not.


As I mentioned in my post, I'm not against change. I'll accept change when it comes naturally to me. Yes, as I grow and mature I will change whether I like it or not but my question isn't about TIME changing me. My question is about HIM changing me, when the changed is forced. You bring up the example of having kids, and although opinions and ideas are part of who you are, those things are easier to be swayed. What he is asking me to change is my personality, against my will. My question is am I being unreasonable or is he being unfair?


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

> The very way we look at a relationship is different. To me, compromise is letting pass all the things that annoy me, getting over the things about him that i don't quite love and accepting the fact that he ain't gonna be perfect. Or trying to. To him, compromise is change. To change whatever is bad, to change for the other person, to change for the sake of the relationship. I see the logic, and it's not that i'm against change, its that i think it should be natural and not forced.


Actually, according to me, you both are partially right.

If the source of a problem between us is something that's irritating, quirky but not really that important to me, I let it go. If the source of a problem is something I really care about, then I let him know that this is something he needs to address. My husband applies the same rules toward me. It took us a few months early into the relationship to teach and learn this. Within a year I already was able to "see" when he was just irritated. I know that if he actually mentions something it means it's important to him. 

I think it's crucial to identify for yourself and by yourself which is which and deal accordingly. The ability to do that is directly co-related with how much you really know yourself or how "mature" you are.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

While acknowledging and admiring anyone's ability to identify when their partner is simply irritated - therefore they need not take the irritated/irritable behaviour personally - I personally find that extremely difficult. And thereby hangs one of my personal hypocricies because if I'm irritated it takes me a while to recognise if I'm not behaving very nicely and that I should therefore make some kind of apology/explanation..... that's not how I would hope to be treated yet I find it tough so I suppose that's the problem. Not everyone even recognises their own behaviour properly in order to be able to take action, despite that they may very well want to or be prepared to be, the first to take action to improve things.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

:scratchhead: It seems I didn't express myself properly.

1. There are certain things my husband does that irritate me, but they are not important for me to make a big deal out of it. 

2. There are other things that I will certainly not let him get away with, because those particular things are important to me and I need them to change.

If it's a case of 1 - I will just be irritated and most of the time not express my irritation except for maybe the irritated eye roll or a loud sigh.

If it's number 2 - I speak up and tell him I will not accept it (usually followed by reasons why), so he needs to make a change.

Just by the fact alone that I speak up about it, he assumes this is _that _important, so he applies himself.

I don't say anything really when it comes to no 1, but obviously he sees my grimace or eye roll. He hears my really _loud sigh_, right? He doesn't take it personally or he doesn't get tense because of it. He knows that I know that no one is perfect and he is allowed his quirks. He knows that I will sure as he1l inform him if this is not just a quirk anymore.

He applies the same rules toward me.

In actuality, I tend to deal with a lot more of quirk induced irritations rather than the actual serious transgressions. He really takes it to heart if I speak up = this is important.

(maybe this is still tangled - sorry I haven't slept much)


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

iamnothyper said:


> As I mentioned in my post, I'm not against change. I'll accept change when it comes naturally to me. Yes, as I grow and mature I will change whether I like it or not but my question isn't about TIME changing me. My question is about HIM changing me, when the changed is forced. You bring up the example of having kids, and although opinions and ideas are part of who you are, those things are easier to be swayed. What he is asking me to change is my personality, against my will. My question is am I being unreasonable or is he being unfair?


I guess I was trying to make you see things differently without answering your questions directly...my fault.

In regards to your question, it is neither unreasonable or unfair. Since you seem to be bothered by it, it means he's not the one. It's a sign that if you let this continue, you will be miserable in the long run. You have some choice in how to go about it. You can talk to him and try to work this out...try to make him understand that it irritates you. You can change to make him happy, which will mean, you might not be happy and probably won't be. You can leave him and be done with having someone tell you how to be. It depends on how much of this you can tolerate. 

I personally have never tolerated a boyfriend telling me that I need to change. My husband when we were dating liked me for exactly the way I was. He still does to this day. We've changed since but still we allow each other to be ourselves. I would be miserable, completely miserable if anyone told me to change (my mother was like that and we always clashed, thus, I don't see or talk to her much...haven't since I moved out at 19). Boyfriends who told me I needed to change (whether mentally or physically) were broken up with instantly. I'm glad I'm that way because I can't stand being told to be like someone or be this way or that way. I guess the reason for this was because of Mom. 

So, if you were to ask what I think of your situation, I'd say, how do you put up with it? What's so good about him that allows you to have him tell you how to be? He has some problems accepting you for who you are and needs to work on himself. He's got some confidence/esteem issues. Maybe you do too since you are putting up with it and are confused by it.

Hope that was helpful insight.


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## iamnothyper (Feb 20, 2011)

Thank you all for your input. I actually don't know if we are still together at this point because we had another fight but, I still feel like I should respond. 

@madimoff
I have the same problem. My shutting down hurts him because I'm neglecting him, I understand that. My sarcasm irritates him and I understand that. But when it's happening i'm virtually unaware. It's what I'm used to and what comes out naturally. I guess I could try and restrain it, but I think the reason is a part of me doesn't want to. A part of me is asking WHY I have to change for him when I accept him as he is. Why I have to put up with his complaints when I tolerate him, when he does the very same things. 

@reachingshore
I think our problem is that we have different views on what falls into category 1 and category 2. For me, the sarcasm and stuff seems like not much of a big deal. I understand that it may hamper with our communication a bit, and in actuality I've been watching myself. I haven't given him my surrender "I'm wrong," because I don't feel I am. I just feel we are different. I don't think either of us are wrong. He, on the other hand, I feel is out to play the blame game. He criticizes me for not thinking it from his side when he calls me unreasonable, selfish, stubborn, and self-centered while saying he is not blaming me. I don't know how to respond or take this. He feels like he is the only one trying while I feel like I'm the only one changing.

@moonangel
He says he is just making me into a better person, getting rid of the bad parts, so he does not see why it would be such a problem. He sees my resistance as being unreasonable and selfish. I put up with it because by the end of our fights he's got me wondering if I'm just being inflexible. I put up with it because he likes me, a lot, and is good to me (aside from the changing thing).

I get the mother thing, 100 percent.

----
Thank you all, I wanted to confirm whether or not I was being unreasonable. I tried not to be too biased because I know part of the fault lies with me too. I guess it just annoys me that he doesn't see any fault on his part.

On a side note, how far does patience go in terms of changing? While I'm changing by expressing more and restraining the smartass in me, he tells me he's changing by being more patient. To me, patience is a change that's given, and I am patient with him cause my policy is tolerance. He accuses me of not understanding the effort he puts into the relationship and taking him for granted. Yes, I understand being patient with me is trying. But to me it doesn't feel like patience is really changing. To me it seems like all you're doing is waiting for me to change. In the end, you haven't compromised any of your ideals, you're just waiting for me to accept them. Am I wrong in this?


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