# I F’d up



## SlimGuyO (Jun 7, 2021)

So I have been married for 11 years. I screwed up twice in the past with the same woman, never had sex with her just emotional cheating. I told my wife I didn’t want her in the process of this and it hurt her so bad. I didn’t mean it but I was angry so anyway fast forward to now. We are still together. I had a seizure fractured my spine so I’ve been home a lot which helped us get closer again. But me I was to clingy she said so I have to fall back a little. So with my seizure medicine I have gotten all the side effects I’m angry all the time sleepy just all around a D*** but one day I got a phone call that my father lied on me to get money from someone and that sent me over the edge I blew up and my wife got all of it. I was yelling screaming cursing her out told her it’s over and everything and a few moments later I calmed down a bit and tried to take it all back but the damage was done. I have apologized over and over but she is so hurt. Honestly I don’t know if she will stay with me after this. I know it was me holding all my anger in and not talking to anyone but she is always the victim when I snap I hate it. I really need to talk with someone about my anger cause I don’t want to lose her. I can’t afford counseling and don’t have money for the classes so I’m frustrated. Can anyone give me some advice on how to get my wife to forgive me?


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It sounds like you need anger management.


----------



## SlimGuyO (Jun 7, 2021)

Girl_power said:


> It sounds like you need anger management.


Yes I know and I want it just not financially able to do so


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

SlimGuyO said:


> Yes I know and I want it just not financially able to do so


Then get ready to lose your wife:


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Your actions are abusive to her. If she will give you another chance, you will have to change dramatically. I hope you can do it, but it sounds like she's had enough.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Women tend to view men who rage as unsafe. If she were here, the advice would probably be for her to leave you. Since you’re the one here, I suggest showing her a new, improved you. And hope she still cares enough to be with you.


----------



## SlimGuyO (Jun 7, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Your actions are abusive to her. If she will give you another chance, you will have to change dramatically. I hope you can do it, but it sounds like she's had enough.


Yea totally agree I’ve never been this way before I was the king of patience I even helped her change her ways because she use to abuse me but that’s no excuse and I plan on getting help as soon as possible I do not want my kids to see anything like this


----------



## SlimGuyO (Jun 7, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Women tend to view men who rage as unsafe. If she were here, the advice would probably be for her to leave you. Since you’re the one here, I suggest showing her a new, improved you. And hope she still cares enough to be with you.


I told her if I was in the same situation I don’t know if I would stay yes I stayed with her when she was abusing me only because I knew how bad her childhood was and wanted to show her that someone does love her and cherish her


----------



## SlimGuyO (Jun 7, 2021)

Girl_power said:


> Then get ready to lose your wife:


Not ready for that and I’m determined to do something I’m talking to pastors her father because he always have good advice I’m also managing my anger talking things out with her and others I’m going to get myself better as soon as I get the money I’ll be there I refuse to let this be the reason my kids grow up in a broken home


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Free Anger Management Classes | LoveToKnow Health & Wellness


While anger management courses are not typically very expensive, finding truly free courses can be a challenge. There are a few free courses available ...




stress.lovetoknow.com













The 19 Best Anger Management Books (to Read in 2023)


Get inspired by the following best books on anger management; arm yourself with tools to conquer your anger and move up into the zone of feeling happy.




upjourney.com


----------



## SlimGuyO (Jun 7, 2021)

bobert said:


> Free Anger Management Classes | LoveToKnow Health & Wellness
> 
> 
> While anger management courses are not typically very expensive, finding truly free courses can be a challenge. There are a few free courses available ...
> ...


I will check it out thank you and no it’s not it’s only $35 for the one close by me but my disability only gives me $200 every two weeks and we have four kids so I’m running thin right now


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Are you taking pain medication? If so, which ones?


----------



## SlimGuyO (Jun 7, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Are you taking pain medication? If so, which ones?


No I don’t like taking pain medicine just my seizure medicine


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Well it’s important to understand that you are responsible for your own behavior. You CAN control that.
And if you are mindful of how you act/react… you can do better.

Can you promise yourself that when any situation pops up that angers you… you will delay any response? Then calmly sit down with the person creating the situation and in a gentle voice express your feelings?

It’s not hard… you take in info - process by giving it thought - and gently tell that person how you feel (IF they have asked for your opinion!)

Sometimes if it’s not your problem - it’s best to simply respond with… “I know you’ll figure this problem out.”


----------



## SlimGuyO (Jun 7, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Well it’s important to understand that you are responsible for your own behavior. You CAN control that.
> And if you are mindful of how you act/react… you can do better.
> 
> Can you promise yourself that when any situation pops up that angers you… you will delay any response? Then calmly sit down with the person creating the situation and in a gentle voice express your feelings?
> ...


Yes, my friend told me that and I have been doing it but I’m rarely angry so lately it’s more of anxiety but if I do get angry I will be doing this I am in control of my life and anger will not rule me I love myself and my family to much for that. I’ve even considered going to aa meetings because they have that support system


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Then go. Do all the steps to understand your anger and how to deal with that more appropriately.

Do you drink? too much?


----------



## SlimGuyO (Jun 7, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Then go. Do all the steps to understand your anger and how to deal with that more appropriately.
> 
> Do you drink? too much?


I will go. No I don’t drink or smoke


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why don't you call your girlfriend and unload on her?


----------



## coquille (May 8, 2018)

SlimGuyO said:


> Yes I know and I want it just not financially able to do so


There are anger management classes that are offered free of charge. You just need to look for them. It sounds like your anger is partially fueled by the epilepsy medicine, but a big part is not related to the medicine. You need to contact local organizations, or the epilepsy foundation and ask them if they can recommend any specific resources. Contact your city or your health insurance. They might help you find good and free anger management classes or help you cover the cost if there aren't any in your area. You might be able to find some free anger management classes online that are group classes.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's v hard living with an angry person. I did it for many years and you have to walk on eggshells all the time. Plus you have to keep the peace between the angry person and the children. It's exhausting.


----------



## SlimGuyO (Jun 7, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Why don't you call your girlfriend and unload on her?


Don’t have a gf and never will I am fully committed to my wife that mistake was over 7 years ago


----------



## SlimGuyO (Jun 7, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Why don't you call your girlfriend and unload on her?


I don’t have a gf nor do I want one I messed up 7 years ago and I will not make that mistake again


----------



## SlimGuyO (Jun 7, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It's v hard living with an angry person. I did it for many years and you have to walk on eggshells all the time. Plus you have to keep the peace between the angry person and the children. It's exhausting.


I agree I spend most of my time walking so I don’t upset anybody I just want to go back to normal


----------



## SlimGuyO (Jun 7, 2021)

coquille said:


> There are anger management classes that are offered free of charge. You just need to look for them. It sounds like your anger is partially fueled by the epilepsy medicine, but a big part is not related to the medicine. You need to contact local organizations, or the epilepsy foundation and ask them if they can recommend any specific resources. Contact your city or your health insurance. They might help you find good and free anger management classes or help you cover the cost if there aren't any in your area. You might be able to find some free anger management classes online that are group classes.


I know it’s the medicine it didn’t progress until after I started talking it I have a dr appointment coming up soon so I will discuss it with them and I have been checking out the free anger management classes online


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What kind of medicine is it?


----------



## SlimGuyO (Jun 7, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> What kind of medicine is it?


levetiracetam I’m always in that rare percentage who gets the side effects which sucks


----------



## coquille (May 8, 2018)

SlimGuyO said:


> levetiracetam I’m always in that rare percentage who gets the side effects which sucks


I don't for how long you have been taking this medicine, but my son has been on this medicine (max. dosage: 1600mg) for 14 years now. At the beginning he was very irritable, but it wasn't only the medicine. He was in his early teens and questioning why epilepsy was happening to him. He had a therapist for a while (grudgingly I should say; I wanted him to go, but he didn't; therapy helped him a good deal), and I think his body kind of got used to the medicine. He has some anger episodes, but they are rare, and I don't think they are due to the medicine. His father had anger management problems and he used to explode in front of the kids. I think the scenes he caused are hard to erase from the kids' memory, and it happened that the most vulnerable is repeating this behavior. I've learned to remain calm when he has one of these episodes(which are very rare these days) and I would just not react; this tends to calm him down. 
Hope your doctor will give you some helpful advice. In my son's situation, anger management is caused by a combination of factors, and we worked at each separately. To show your wife that you are truly remorseful, you need to work on your situation and not let it control you.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Is it really the medicine? It seems the emotional cheating may be the real cause of your anger? And the anger goes way way back, am I right? Are you punishing her as a way of dealing with the guilt of the emotional affair? And what is the reason you push her away with the attacks and the affair if you love her?

You say you don’t want to lose her but you didn’t think this way when you were chatting with the other woman, being angry etc you told you wife during this phase you didn’t want her?

Maybe it would help to explore this, I’m not coming from a place of judgement either, it is worth digging into because you did speak of it at length. That too must have been more abusive as you were clearly pushing her away then and openly saying it to her.

How do you love your wife? How have you loved her in the past?

I ask because it’s often a long history of emotional cheating, severe anger and abuse, admitting the partner is the target, then when the spouse has enough the perpetrator claims to really love the partner and is desperate not to lose them. These stories and patterns are common. Does this make sense?

What do you love about your wife now and when you first met? What did you love about the other woman? All questions to really think about.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

‘I screwed up twice in the past with the same woman, never had sex with her just emotional cheating. I told my wife I didn’t want her in the process of this and it hurt her so bad. I didn’t mean it but I was angry so anyway fast forward to now.’

For example, this was 7 years ago - an episode of anger. Quite explosive and the damage here would have been extensive.

But you later also say, ‘I’ve never been this way before I was the king of patience... she was abusive to me’

So we do have a pattern and quite a bit of deflection and blame shifting too, as well as very little concern for how she must have been feeling, almost flippant, ‘so anyway fast forward, but she was like this to me’ ect.

So it’s great that you’ve recognised you have a problem - big step! Great too that you can say you hate how you do this.

Tell us, how does your wife feel after these episodes and how do you think she would have been feeling all these years? What happens to her eyes and her body in the moment, in the days after.

If you could speak in her voice and describe what your anger does to her, what would she be saying?

Can you visualise what she does when she is alone with her pain when you’re not there? does she cry in a ball on the floor away from the kids? Or describe to us what this looks like as you are watching it.


----------



## SlimGuyO (Jun 7, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Is it really the medicine? It seems the emotional cheating may be the real cause of your anger? And the anger goes way way back, am I right? Are you punishing her as a way of dealing with the guilt of the emotional affair? And what is the reason you push her away with the attacks and the affair if you love her?
> 
> You say you don’t want to lose her but you didn’t think this way when you were chatting with the other woman, being angry etc you told you wife during this phase you didn’t want her?
> 
> ...


Wow very good information. So my wife was hurt I seen the hurt in her eyes and I immediately tried to apologize but it’s was to late. We are currently separated I just sleep on the couch which doesn’t help my broken back. Last night we talked a little she loves me but I have to work on myself and I am. My wife went from a hurricane to mild rain and I loved the change I was there for her day and night helping her change. I’ve been beaten by her house destroyed and everything else but I insured her I wasn’t going anywhere we will work this out. She had a terrible childhood so I understood why she was like that. I’m not saying I want her to do the same. It’s very hard to see the person you care for hurt and know it’s because of you. I know she cry’s when she is alone it sucks because all I want to do is comfort her. I do deflect a lot so I will give you the information on the other time in detail. I do love my wife when we first met it was on MySpace and we wasn’t looking for love just people to talk to and we talked for awhile and I invited her to come visit me she stayed in Cali I stayed in Alabama so I bought her a round ticket she didn’t come which I understood I could of been a serial killer or something but I bought her a phone so we can communicate and we talked on the phone every day and night I fell asleep with her on the phone and woke up with her still on the phone I truly loved her but I didn’t say that to her so June of that year she asked if she can visit me on my birthday and I said yes so I bought her another ticket and she came it only supposed to be for a visit but she stayed we got married and had kids. We moved back to California because that is where her family is and I wanted her to be with her family plus it was a better opportunity for me to provide for them. Deep down I’m angry because I’m afraid of losing her so I push away everyone in my life leaves me no one in my family call me to check in I call no one answers he’ll as a teenager my mom worked at my school and didn’t speak to me for 2 years (my parents separated and she moved out). Talking about this is really opening my eyes I’m more angry at my family than anyone. My wife and I recently found out she has a incurable disease no it’s not a std but it hit us hard I think me more than her. She told me not to worry about it but I can’t help it. I hold in everything because I see her in pain all the time I help her and do anything she needs I help her shower and whip her after she use the bathroom if she can’t do it. That’s why I’m so upset with myself because I snapped and the first thing I do when I’m mad is try to make whoever is in the line of fire feel the way I was. She didn’t deserve that at all. And my emotional cheating was with my ex I was trying to get closure and couldn’t because she knows everything about me and how to use it against me and like usual I fell for it not even knowing I was until it was to late. I didn’t hide my wife had full access to my conversation with her and she noticed what she was doing and said end it and I did. The second time we was in the same neighborhood and saw her at a store we spoke she was with her man so I didn’t think nothing of it but I ended up seeing her again at a park and she told me she wanted me back I told my wife because I didn’t want any problems she got mad at me because I was talking to her again but I wasn’t she walked up on me at the park that made me mad and that was when I told her we shouldn’t be together because you can’t trust me even when I’m open to you. That was the first time I said those words and neither time I meant it but it’s a pattern with me I try to hurt you first. I admit my ex hurt me bad and I haven’t fully gotten over it it’s been years but every time I see her it feels fresh. No man should feel like this over and ex but I hold on to everything and that is why I explode sadly I only exploded twice in my life and it happened to be with my wife. Anyway back on topic I still love my wife I fell in love with her just for her attitude toward life she had a goal and a plan to get there. I also feel like I ruin that plan because she got pregnant and with my work she wasn’t able to do what she wanted we had no support for any one to watch the kids or anything so I worked she stayed home. Honestly I just feel like I ruined her life she told me this before. She is still the love of my life and I will fight the world for her but I have to fight myself to protect her right now. Everyone thinks I’m a monster and I’m not just don’t think before my actions. I rub her feet and back every night. I cry myself to sleep because I hurt her. I tell her she’s beautiful and I love her every day. It sucks because I am very remorseful about it and everyone who knows me know that’s not my nature. I played that hand and I will live with it weather she take me back or not I’m working on myself. I understand why people go through therapy now cause just talking on this post made me understand stand myself and my problems and where it comes from and I think therapy is a good place for me. Thank everyone for the advice


----------



## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Women tend to view men who rage as unsafe. If she were here, the advice would probably be for her to leave you. Since you’re the one here, I suggest showing her a new, improved you. *And hope she still cares enough to be with you*.


IF you stop cheating on her too.


----------



## SlimGuyO (Jun 7, 2021)

I agree I did stop emotionally cheating on her that was 7 years ago was the last time like I said before I never physically cheated


----------



## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Cheating is cheating. In fact, emotional cheating may be even more hurtful to some people.

Did you make amends, rebuild trust, etc. or was it something you both just tried to move on from? Sweep under the rug, as they say? When you don't do the work, things don't usually improve. You may still feel guilty / ashamed, if it was never properly dealt with, and that can add to your anger issues.

The anger thing isn't any better. Have you told her how you feel now, that you realize how wrong you were for taking things out on her? 

Without blaming her -since you do know it's not her fault- express how wrong it was, how genuinely sorry you are, and how you are willing to do whatever she needs to heal the relationship. That's where I'd start, but you have to follow through. Good luck.


----------



## SlimGuyO (Jun 7, 2021)

theloveofmylife said:


> Cheating is cheating. In fact, emotional cheating may be even more hurtful to some people.
> 
> Did you make amends, rebuild trust, etc. or was it something you both just tried to move on from? Sweep under the rug, as they say? When you don't do the work, things don't usually improve. You may still feel guilty / ashamed, if it was never properly dealt with, and that can add to your anger issues.
> 
> ...


Yes to all I did talk with her I admitted to everything in detail for every action and we was separated for awhile. Emotional cheating was the worst cheating of all I agree with that. I am prepared to do whatever it takes and I did that before I thought I was doing better until this recent explosion, so what I was doing wasn’t working. Now I’m seeking professional help through therapy and anger management and I’m committed to it. I explained to her I’m not doing it to be with her I’m doing it to be a better person. I would love for you to benefit from it because I will succeed but if you choose not to be with me anymore I completely understand and respect your decision. I hurt you a lot and no one should deal with that at all. I told her I have always made excuses for myself and thought I was changing, now I see I wasn’t and professional help is what I need. Had a dr appointment and she told me I need to see a neurologist because it could be something going on from the seizures. Anyway she and I will make this journey together even though we are separated and see how it goes. This woman have my heart because it will be a hard journey but it makes me feel like it’s easier knowing I’m not doing it alone


----------

