# being a wife or being selfish?



## Claud86 (Dec 22, 2014)

My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have 2 children. We have been struggling financially since day one. When I meet my husband he was unemployed living with his unemployed father who is financially supported by my husbands grandparents. His grandparents wouldn't want it any other way as they buy everyone with their money and enable everyone in that family to be lazy and irresponsible only to be able to control them and tell them what to do. Both me and my husband agreed not to follow the footsteps of his family members and be independent. He has promised me ever since things will change and he will no longer do what his grandparents tell him yet it never has changed. He has used me to the fullest by living in my house, driving my car as im stuck at home because according to his grandparents I don't need a car. Proving no financial security for me and not even discussing any financial issues with me but to find out with his grandmother. My husband makes ok money yet will not buy a car for me or plan on getting a house together and the only reason to me is his family. They seem to oppose to him providing anything for me or our children and all they do is harm us one way or another. Im sick and tiered of him listening to them and not even taking me or my kids into consideration. Ive talked to him about this and he promises things will change but never do. Am I over reacting? Or being selfish for not wanting them in what should be our decisions as a couple?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you and your husband?

You day that his lives in your house. But he won't buy a house with you? Why do you want him to buy a house with you?

You say that he is driving your car. When did you buy the car and with what money? 

You can just take your car, why don't you?

When was the last time that you worked?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have started two threads in different forums here on TAM. This is against forum rules. Please delete one of them. 

The two threads give different bits of info. You will get better input if you stick to one thread. That way we can see more of the story in one place. 

Please delete one of your threats. (click on the "edit" button at the bottom of the first post on the thread. Then delete that first post. It will delete the entire thread.)



Claud86 said:


> I need advice, feel like im going crazy.....My husband and I have been together for 5 years now and have 2 children. My husband comes from a family where his grandparents control everyone's life, including their adult children (ages 45-65 yrs old) who are still being supported financially by them and are told what to do. They enable them to be irresponsible and count on them for everything. When I met my husband I expressed my disapproval in the matter and we both agreed to be independent. I made it clear to my husband about what I wanted in a relationship and we both agreed on how things would be. Yet from the beginning he has allowed his grandparents to interfere in our relationship. They always need to be aware of what we where doing, why? how etc. They try and tell us what we have to do and just wont let go. My problem with them came when my husband was unemployed and his grandfather told him that he should give our 1yr old daughter up for adoption because he could support her and that way would not be responsible for child support. I couldn't believe my ears. Around the same time I called his grandmother to have her relate a message to my husband that was working at their house about our daughter being sick in the hospital...to my surprise my husband never called or showed up at the hospital. When that cause a huge argument between my husband and I, he told me I had never called his grandmother and I was lying. When I confronted her about it she told me she had told him but didn't know why he would say that. Bottom line she lied to both of us. Since then I have kept my distance since it is obvious they never cared about me or my children. I cant stand how they try to act like they care and use my kids so we can go over there (more like my husband) My husband never saw anything wrong with what they did and acts like they are saints. He has continued to listen to them doing what they say, yet making me believe something different and making fake promises to me, at the end the outcome always seems to affect me in a negative way. Lately my husband treats me like in nothing to him. He wont talk to me about our financial future, yet talks to his grandmother. I have no right to be upset about anything or he will call me names and leave. He tells everyone im crazy and I have no reason to be upset. Recently he left and I didn't hear from him for 3 days to find out he was hanging out at his dads house buying them food as I had nothing to feed my children. I got my water turned off and he didn't even care. I don't have any income so my last resort to feed my kids and pay my bills was to sell whatever I could. I have nothing now, I sleep on a mattress on the floor. Yet he doesn't seen to care because he does whatever makes his grandmother, dad, brother etc. happy. As long as he looks good to them that's all that matters. I'm tiered of being treated this way, I have talked to him over and over about how this makes me feel but he never seems to put me or my kids first. I have lost everything because of him, I have been there for him as a friend a wife etc. gave him everything I could, I tried to please him every way possible, yet he tells me I have never done anything for him. The only way to keep him happy is to let him walk all over me and don't say a word, enable him to throw everything down the drain the way his family does. I have been dealing with this the last 5 years and I don't think I can do this any more. The only way seems to be a divorce because he will never change.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...r-put-us-first-unhappy-hurt.html#post11305082


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It would help to know where you live? Do you live in the USA?

You say that your husband is driving your car. So take your car back. 

Go see a lawyer, sure for divorce and for child support and spousal support. You should also be able to get 50% of any assets your husband has.

You need to find a job as well. That's why you need the car. 
This is not a marriage.


----------



## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

Your first mistake was assuming your husband would change when you married him. I really hope that if you're in a similar situation in the future, you will find someone who you wouldn't want to change; someone who you respect for their approach to life, and for their commitment to working towards mutual goals with you.

But that's not constructive of me. 

You say your husband is driving your car, but that he won't buy you a car. Well fine, tell him to buy himself a car. Start driving yours. He has no right to make that call by himself in your relationship, and his grandparents absolutely should not have a say in the matter. That is something you can take control of, so do it. 

You say your husband is living in your house, but that he isn't providing you with financial security. Well, you provided a house, and ostensibly you were financially secure at some point, so you can be again. Get a part time job that covers your property taxes. Get a babysitter to cover the time if need be. There's no reason you can't take control of that either.

You get half the say in your relationship, and your husband gets the other half. Whether his grandparents sway his decisions or not, he still doesn't get more than half the vote. So do what you need to do.

That said, I think it's important to have a talk. When you sit down and talk to your husband, give him the opportunity—without responding or judging him—to tell you how he's really feeling and what he really wants out of life. Then tell him how you feel and what you want out of life. Tell him where you see yourself in five years and what your dreams and ideals are. 

If you can both lay it out on the line, you can make a plan and start making small changes to make your lives better. If not, you're not in a marriage and you might as well kick him out of your house. 

With all that said, I have one thing left to say: 

I think you're not being completely honest here. I form this conclusion based on your aggressive and self-pitying language, like how you say your husband has "used you to the fullest." Clearly you already have an opinion of how your situation looks from the outside, so either you don't really want/need advice, or you're being untruthful in an attempt to have someone justify your next actions.

If you can learn to be honest with yourself, you might find all kinds of situations easier, including this one.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If it's your car...take it back.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Not sure how things work in your state, but in mine, once you're married, there is no "her's" or "his". It's marital property. Unless you are locked into some great job, I'd suggest both of you move far away from his shiftless family and carve out your own piece of the world. Lots of good paying jobs in South Dakota these days.


----------



## martita (Jun 1, 2014)

Im one to make a marriage work til the very end...but after reading both versions of your story...RUN. and claim child support. NOW.

He wont change at least until his grandparents die. 

And if what you say is true, take back your car, take back your house and give him an ultimatum or tell him to go live with his grandparents.


----------

