# I tried to tell him it's over



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Some of you know my story. For those who don't a quick recap is that we have been married 8 months. Had sex 3 times. He is 36, I am 30. He has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he doesn't see....mostly (I feel) by his own choices.

Well I tried to talk to him today. I told him that I feel like it is over. He said he wouldn't get divorced and that he made a promise that he wouldn't divorce, so that would be all up to me. I want us to mutually work on this. Does he really want a marriage where we don't even sleep in the same room and have no possibility of ever having children because we don't have sex? He said that I just think I'm perfect and everything is his fault. I told him that we are both at fault, but when he refuses to talk about anything at all then how are we supposed to get to the bottom of our problems and make some changes. Of course it ended in yelling. He cried the entire time which is what he always does anymore. He either yells or cries. I was brutally honest and told him that I've lost my attraction to him and lost my feelings for him and don't know how to get that back. He chose to start sleeping on the couch all the time. He says that is my fault. That he couldn't stand sleeping with me because he could "feel" that I didn't want him there. At the very start of our marriage I found out that he was looking at porn and this is when he wasn't even initiating sex with me. At that time, he claimed he didn't go to those sites. That it was an accident. He accidentally opened something on his email and it took him there. I knew he was lying and felt very bad about myself that he didn't even want to have sex with me, and was satisfying himself with porn when we were newly married. Well, today, he says that he had never visited porn sites in the past and only did it then out of curiosity. So, his curiosity starts when he is newly married and not before???? He had access to porn the first 35 years of his life, I don't believe that he hadn't done it before and only did it when we first got married. And if so, then why???? Why when he had a newly married wife???? Is it any wonder I started pulling away from him at night??? I already was self-conscious about my body, being 40 lbs overweight, and that made it worse. I have since been losing the weight and feeling great, but that doesn't make any difference since my H and I haven't had sex pretty much since we got married anyway.

Sorry about the rambling. I am having a terribly hard day. I have dealt with depression in the past, all through my 20's. I have worked hard to deal with my depression and have not had any problems for quite a while. Probably haven't really felt "depressed" for a few years now. Yesterday, after he wouldn't let me leave the house, I had the first panic attack I've had in years. I feel like he is dragging me down. And I actually feel like he wants me to be down like him. He wants me to sit at home and feel depressed like him. He wants me to not go out with friends, like him. He has driven everyone out of his life, and he wants me to be there with him. I can't do it. I won't do it.

He now says he wants to go to marriage counseling. So, I put it on him to call and make appointments. Is it terrible of me to say that I don't even really want to go now because I don't really want to stay in this marriage??? I fought him to go to counseling from the beginning!!! I've fought him for at least 6 months to talk to me!!! He only wants to go now because I am ready to leave.

I'm also afraid that if I leave he won't handle it well. I feel like he bases his happiness and his existence on me now. Back when he was sleeping in our bed, he wouldn't even sleep there if I was visiting my parents. He doesn't want to do anything without me.

This sounds like a sexist view, but I guess this is my view of men and women. I feel like he is the "wife" in this relationship. He cries, when I ask him what's wrong he says "nothing" only for me to later find out that something was wrong. He gives the silent treatment. I pay bills, do our taxes, take care of things financially. And, until we quit having sex, I initiated sex...even though this was a turn off for me.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

what is it with these guys that they come up with the stupidest lies about their porn use?!? i'll never understand it. the last time my H lied about porn i had to pin him in a corner until he couldnt lie about it...so stupid. ive heard the ol' "I didnt click on it...it just popped up" about a million times. 

my H also pins his happiness on being with me, which I also dont get. He doesnt seem very happy to me. If i were to leave him he would be horribly depressed, maybe even suicidal, but that actually makes me want to leave even more. sounds sadistic, i know, but the truth is maybe he just needs to deal with it so he can learn to be happy on his own. lord knows he'll never be happy with me and will never handle kids if he doesnt deal with whatever is bringing him down. i dont want to be reduced to a red herring for his problems.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Blanca said:


> what is it with these guys that they come up with the stupidest lies about their porn use?!? i'll never understand it. the last time my H lied about porn i had to pin him in a corner until he couldnt lie about it...so stupid. ive heard the ol' "I didnt click on it...it just popped up" about a million times.
> 
> my H also pins his happiness on being with me, which I also dont get. He doesnt seem very happy to me. If i were to leave him he would be horribly depressed, maybe even suicidal, but that actually makes me want to leave even more. sounds sadistic, i know, but the truth is maybe he just needs to deal with it so he can learn to be happy on his own. lord knows he'll never be happy with me and will never handle kids if he doesnt deal with whatever is bringing him down. i dont want to be reduced to a red herring for his problems.



I don't want his happiness based on me either. I used to have this problem when I was younger. Now I can be happy with or without a man in my life but I would like to share my life with someone. Problem is we don't share our lives at all. He's so withdrawn. He's so private about his life. Its not attractive to be needed so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_P


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

well there are still porn viruses out there that infect your computer to open up porn sites when ever you open the browser, me I have never lied about porn use andattimes have been to honest about it (as in my wording came out very cruel like.)

The guy sounds like a chump. I vote just go file.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Niceguy13 said:


> well there are still porn viruses out there that infect your computer to open up porn sites when ever you open the browser, me I have never lied about porn use andattimes have been to honest about it (as in my wording came out very cruel like.)
> 
> The guy sounds like a chump. I vote just go file.


i have used computers at home since approx. 1990 with windows 3.0. i think i had my browser re-directed to a porn site 1 time since then. im not saying it cant happen but...most likely not., especially if it seems to be an ongoing thing.

this guy does sound like a chump.
its not a situation that i would want to stay in if i was a woman.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Haha I know some people that got them it usualy results from them trying to get pay sites for free or torrenting "locked" files then downloading the little toolbar that gives you the codex for them.

Myself well thanks to the miracles of the internet I just go puruse the plethora of free amatuer sites that are out there. I know TMI TMFI


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I agree that it CAN happen, but he lied at the beginning obviously because now he admits it. I knew that he was lying months ago. And I also knew they didn't show up on my computer until he started using it.

That's all beside the point, though. He quit as far as I can tell after I confronted him about it. I only bring it up now because I've been going through our problems with him and possible reasons why I started turning away from him. Lack of sex, and he was looking at porn...doesn't make me feel real great about myself.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ku1980rose said:


> I don't want his happiness based on me either. I used to have this problem when I was younger. Now I can be happy with or without a man in my life but I would like to share my life with someone. Problem is we don't share our lives at all. He's so withdrawn. He's so private about his life. Its not attractive to be needed so much.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_P


Its not only unattractive but think about when you have kids. Ive heard guys have issues with their wife turning their attention to their child in general but if your H is so needy for you then he wont be any help with the kids and will only resent the attention you give them. He couldnt be supportive or much of a father wallowing in his self-pitty. thats my major concern.


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## Sulin (Apr 7, 2011)

I almost have the same issue.. I'm also married 8 months, and have sex once in... I don't even know anymore.. Before we got married it was amazing, and we even joked about it that when we do get married we're not gonna be like those couples that have one day a week for sex (say Tuesday..), but as soon as we did, its just less and less.. On our 10 days honeymoon we had sex TWICE!! On the honeymoon!! We are both attractive people so it has nothing to do with our look.. I wish I knew what it is..
You know, a lot of people would dissagree, but if your husband has a thing for porn, maybe you should try to watch it with him?!? It works for some people.. And when you light the spark again, go back to normal.. ?
I'm sorry, I don't really have a solution for your problem, but I just wanted to let you know, you're not alone in this story.. i don't know, it helps me..


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Sulin said:


> I almost have the same issue.. I'm also married 8 months, and have sex once in... I don't even know anymore.. Before we got married it was amazing, and we even joked about it that when we do get married we're not gonna be like those couples that have one day a week for sex (say Tuesday..), but as soon as we did, its just less and less.. On our 10 days honeymoon we had sex TWICE!! On the honeymoon!! We are both attractive people so it has nothing to do with our look.. I wish I knew what it is..
> You know, a lot of people would dissagree, but if your husband has a thing for porn, maybe you should try to watch it with him?!? It works for some people.. And when you light the spark again, go back to normal.. ?
> I'm sorry, I don't really have a solution for your problem, but I just wanted to let you know, you're not alone in this story.. i don't know, it helps me..


Wow....your situation sounds so much like mine. I am going to send you a private message. Maybe we can discuss some of our frustrations. 

As for the porn, he denies having a thing for it. I told him in the beginning (after initially being upset) that if it was something he enjoyed, then we could watch it together. But, he denied it. At this point, it would just be uncomfortable. Maybe if we get our sex life going again, it will be something to add in later.


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## Snooring (Mar 10, 2011)

Since he wants to go to MC, just try and see what will happen. Goodluck


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ku1980rose said:


> Does he really want a marriage where we don't even sleep in the same room and have no possibility of ever having children because we don't have sex? He said that I just think I'm perfect and everything is his fault. I told him that we are both at fault, but when he refuses to talk about anything at all then how are we supposed to get to the bottom of our problems and make some changes. Of course it ended in yelling. He chose to start sleeping on the couch all the time. He says that is my fault.


This is hardly a relationship.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> This is hardly a relationship.


That is exactly what I told him this weekend and he only got upset at me. He cried and said he would never give up on me. But, I feel like he has already given up.


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