# TAM makes divorce sound so easy



## tamii (Oct 14, 2012)

Seems like many people like to respond to threads with simply, "I would leave", "I would give him/her the flick", "Get out now!", etc.

Is it really that easy? What about years of love (hopefully), devotion and commitment to this (albeit flawed) person? Can all of that just simply be flushed down the toilet at the drop of a hat ... or, in this case, at the reading/posting of a comment on a forum?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Divorce was the most traumatizing event in my life.

But if both partners are not in the marriage, what else is there?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I think of this site as very pro marriage. I am very pro-marriage.

But some of the posts are so incredibly awful I DO think D is the only answer. 

I came here hissing and spitting last year about my H's lies and secrets and was never told to D. Instead i was give help and support.

There will always be a few very negative people...they represent a real section of society don't you think though?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I think when you have children, you need to try harder to stay married. Wait until they are grown to divorce unless there is abuse/addictions.

However, I am in the minority here.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Heck they throw D around like its the best thing.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

It is easier said then done to Divorce, especially when there are children involved. Sometimes it is the best option, instead of dragging it through the mud, just so you can divorce when the kids are adults.

IT is probably one of the hardest things anyone has ever had to do!

When there are only bad feelings and anger then it is time to move on! 

I didn't believe in divorce. My parents were divorced when i was like 12. I told my self i don't want to end up like my parents after 26 years or so of marriage, for it to just end. Now i am thinking that divorce is the best option, once you try everything to make it work more then once and your spouse just isn't willing to chip in and help.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

While divorce is an option, even in the right circumstances it is not an easy option. There is so much involved in the process that even if you are going to divorce, I don't think it is something you just do on a whim, you really need to think it through. It is life changing and life changing events need to be completely thought out.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Emerald said:


> I think when you have children, you need to try harder to stay married. Wait until they are grown to divorce unless there is abuse/addictions.
> 
> However, I am in the minority here.


But that requires both spouses. I am also pro marriage, and believe it is a lifelong committment (convenant). When we advise others to divorce on here, its because their spouse has already left the marriage and has no chance of coming back (or maybe there is a sliver, but we do not put the odds in favor of reconciliation). We tell people to divorce so they can get out of limbo - if the divorce was a mistake it can always be righted, but wasting years of time trying to solve irreconcilable differences can't be corrected.


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## tamii (Oct 14, 2012)

Lon said:


> ... if the divorce was a mistake it can always be righted, but wasting years of time trying to solve irreconcilable differences can't be corrected.


Wow, I never thought of it that way.


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

I find this site to be extremely pro-marriage and it has helped me see different perspective's of what I have been doing wrong in my marriage.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

That and in case of kids being involved.. Think of it this way. Sometimes divorce is better then staying where resentment, anger, ect grow and become toxic. The interactions between mom and dad effect the children moreso then a divorce would in some cases. No kid wants to see mommy and daddy yelling or being cold and distant to one another, secretly weeping, ect. True divorces are never easy but in some cases they are necessary. Its not about throwing years of a relationship away. Its about preventing years of potential misery and heart ache in some cases. Namely the ones that are obviously hopeless to fix.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

I used to think divorce was thrown around a lot in here then i realized that what sounds like a lot really isn't when you consider just how many people have hurting stories on here. 

I am pro marriage but I also have never been divorced or even had some of the heartbreaking experiences that others have had. I think Many of the people on here have been there or close so I don't think it's meant to sound as if it's easy when they say it. And Normally they've suggested other avenues first.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I was once told "divorce is not glamorous, avoid it if possible". In the end I did divorce because my marriage was not healthy and I believe in living not just existing.

Having said that I do not think this place is pro divorce for the sake of it. I read it as pro good, healthy relationships, so if a posters come in with a story of a very unhealthy marriage then it is not surprising that people would give advice to consider future options.

Flip side for me is that I have read so much valuable advice about what a healthy relationship should look like, I now have greater confidence moving forward with my new relationship in a much healthier way.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Divorce is by no means easy,but I see so many posters stuck in some soul destroying limbo full of pain,sometimes for years,and I think divorce is a better option.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I think the point that is often made is that sometimes if you want something to change, you have to be willing to walk away. In marriage, that pretty much means facing divorce as a sort of nuclear catalyst. But knowing that you can handle the worst case scenario gives you leverage to act on any other options you might have.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I guess because my own parents divorced ( me being the casualty ) Seeing 1st hand what a grueling mismatch they were...always fighting, my mother not happy....(it was a trainwreck, they married too young)....I watched my dad go on to have a beautiful thriving marraige with my step Mom, still going strong today... I can believe the grass is greener in some situations.. ..

But true...every marriage should give it's darnest for a season to work it out...when the storms come at your door....hold on to the fight as long as you can...know that if you walk away..you gave it your damnest...(marriage couseling, the Love Dare, etc)

Vows themselves can not hold the heart....it is just a sad fact, too many other things get in the way, and some can't pull themselves out or they were so mismatched in compatibilty at the get go, it is just a striving against the wind. 

If every day is riddled with resentment, depression, sadness, feeling like you are in a prison, I feel it is best to get out before one falls into an EA leading to a PA. 

A clean divorce is more honorable.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think that some things almost require a divorce whether there are children or not: abuse, criminal activity, and incompatibility being the big ones.

Then there are those that can go either way, depending on the people involved: falling out of love, affairs, boredom, control issues.

And finally, there are those that shouldn't divorce: temporary issues, in-laws, and couples that are both invested and working to save things.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Then there are those that can go either way, depending on the people involved: falling out of love, affairs, boredom, control issues.


Boredom is never an excuse to divorce. Affairs yes. Control issues perhaps. Falling out of love and boredom sound so immature that one should really not be in a long term relationship if they feel that these two reasons are good enough to break your commitment. But this JMO.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Boredom is never an excuse to divorce. Affairs yes. Control issues perhaps. Falling out of love and boredom sound so immature that one should really not be in a long term relationship if they feel that these two reasons are good enough to break your commitment.


I agree, but when I hear someone say that their partner feels that way and isn't willing to do anything to change it, I don't feel much hope for them as a couple. So I guess maybe the real issue isn't boredom but lack of commitment?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

As a general rule Divorce is the LAST resort. Every thing should be tried; every opportunity presented, and then hold on to see if time will heal. However, there are situations where there is more bad that is on going than good and there is no evidence that it is going to change; then Divorce is the best option.

It is very easy to say on a message board to “dump her/him, Divorce. That is usually because one spouse is doing most of the hurting to the other spouse. However, marriage is not a relationship of equal justice; it is a relationship where you suffer for the other person at times, take the loss, and make the best of it.  I have seen that happen and then the couple has a decent relationship.


There is more to consider when there are children involved. However, there are situations that divorce is by far the best of the shyty options available.

*When someone is in real love with the other person and that person does them wrong; a person with just a little wisdom will not dump them just because some posts on the internet tell then to dump them*


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's easier when both spouses want it and are willing to work together through it I found. Less dramas

Unfortunately in many cases though I guess that doesn't happen


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

tamii said:


> Seems like many people like to respond to threads with simply, "I would leave", "I would give him/her the flick", "Get out now!", etc.
> 
> Is it really that easy? What about years of love (hopefully), devotion and commitment to this (albeit flawed) person? Can all of that just simply be flushed down the toilet at the drop of a hat ... or, in this case, at the reading/posting of a comment on a forum?


TAM has totally revolutionized my views on divorce. Prior to posting here I was very pro-saving the marriage, under almost all circumstances. I am very pro-marriage, and have always fought against the idea of divorce in most circumstances.

This place has opened my eyes. There are a lot of people who should never, ever have gotten married in the first place. I find myself pretty frequently recommending divorce as an option now because TAM is filled to the brim with marriages that are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. There is a very strong representation here from people who are in marriages where one party has totally given up on the marriage, on their spouse. And since you can not change anyone but yourself, what other option do you have when the other spouse has checked out?


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