# How to deal with wife's insecurity and emotions



## MrJade (Nov 24, 2010)

Hello everyone, new member here but I've been reading and learning alot from everyone here for some time. I'm hoping to gain some perspective from people likely far wiser on these matters than me. My wife and I have been married for 4 years now and I'm an art director who tends to go on photo shoots in Europe now and then and my wife is a local hair stylist. As part of my job I have to go away once and a while for a week or 2 on one of these Europe shoots and I always get the guilt trip about how she is lonely and doesn't know anyone where we live. Recently I was offered a massive promotion which required me to go on a prestigious photo shoot for 3 weeks. Previously I had always been an assistant art director but this time I was to run the show completely. Naturally she lost it when I told her. Crying hysterically, being angry and inconsolable. She said there was no way I can go. So after trying and trying I finally relented and informed my employer that I couldn't do it. And their response was overwhelmingly negative to the point where I'm not sure if I will even have a job for long.

I feel trapped now underneath a glass ceiling of my wife's emotional baggage and I'm not sure what to do without setting her off again. Any advice? Thanks everyone.


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## Jack99 (Nov 21, 2010)

It essentially sounds like a choice between your wife and your career. Your job requires a lot of travel and will require more as you progress. Many people die not having accomplished found their true calling in life. If you have found yours and throw it away because your wife can't accept your being gone for long periods of time, understand you may make her miserable for having force you to make that choice. Maybe she is just the type of person who needs to have her man around on a daily basis. That's understandable. Still, I would think long and hard before giving up on a dream career.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Honestly, just go and do what you have to do. The amplification of the crying doesn't directly correspond to any actual crisis. She'll get over it. Wherever your job takes you, they will have phone service. She managed to navigate this veil of tears we call "life" before she met you. I've worked lots of death cases and never once worked a case of a spouse who died because their partner had to go out of town on business. I spent 15 months in Iraq (twice) and mine was still breathing when I came home. It's ok for people to get lonely or bored or pissed off. It's a natural part of life. Nobody wants to shoot at her and you're not anticipating going someplace where you will be shot at. Lots of wives and husbands deal with real drama every day. Your wife's drama is self-inflicted and self-manufactured. Somebody has to put groceries on the table.


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## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

Just go, see what happens. If your wife loves you she will learn to deal with it and support you. I was in a similar situation and I let the opp. slip through my fingers because of my wife. Since I let that pass I was laid off and my wife is thinking of leaving me. Also, after I got laid off I became very resentful of my wife, which didn't help. I worked very hard to get that chance and I let it slide for her. Do not make the same mistake that I did. You have to put yourself first sometimes. I know that since you are posting this, you love your wife and are worried. Like I said if she really loves you and it is meant to be then she will stand beside you and except it. Good luck I hope everything works out for you.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Curious as to whether there are kids involved, past infidelities, addictions, etc... that makes your wife more uncomfortable with your leaving.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

To a point, I understand how your wife feels. My husband has been working out of town ALOT. Sometimes it's for a couple weeks at a time. I don't know if he'll be home for birthdays, our anniversary, Thanksgiving. 

I miss him terribly. He is an intricle part of my life, and when he is gone, there is a huge empty spot in my life. We have argued, and I have cried about it. 

Now, I don't know how you were raised, but my husband was raised to work hard and be a provider. That is a huge part of how he shows his love for his family.

I have to remind myself, that he is doing this for us. He would rather be home. I think you just need her to understand that.

She is probably thinking that you are living it up, staying in hotels, eating out, socializing with people who are strangers to her, while she sits home, alone.

My husband is great about calling. He shares his day with me, tells me he loves me and misses me. He complains to me about how he'd rather be home. I think that part is pretty much for my benefit, but it sure helps. 

I wouldn't put my husband in to position of possibly losing his job. That would take away his ability to show his love by providing. I think you just have to get your wife to look at things from your side.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

My boyfriend is an over the road truck driver. He is always gone for 3-4 weeks (right now about 8, so he can be home for Christmas) and home for 3-5 days. It's not easy being with someone who's gone a lot, and it's easy for a person who's already insecure to let their imagination run free and come up with all kinds of horrible scenarios for what's going on. 

But I know my boyfriend loves his job, and I also know he does it to provide for us, so I would never ask him to give it up. I let him know how much I miss him while he's gone, but I never even hint that he should change careers. 

Your wife sounds like she has some major insecurities, and unless you've done something to contribute to them (cheating, saying hurtful things, etc.), there's probably not much you can do to get rid of them. I don't think giving in to her, and giving up a career that seems to make you very happy, is going to make her feel better. On the surface, it might seem to, as a temporary measure, but the more you give in, the more she will need to make her feel secure until you're essentially locked up in the house. 

I think you need to continue to follow your dream career, and just keep in close communication with her so she knows you still love her and care about her and you're not going anywhere. If that's not enough for her, then she needs counseling or to acknowledge that she wants someone who's home all the time. You should not have to give up something you love for her. Real love for your partner is wanting them to follow their dreams, even if it's not necessarily doing something you want them to do, or requires things to be different than what you'd ideally like.


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## TRUEAMERICAN (May 27, 2015)

@sorry-4-everything: What a great comment, I agree!


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