# I love you Paul!



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

My 38yr old brother died yesterday after losing his battle to cancer. My parents are unable to pay for a funeral as they are living off of my dad's social security. I am currently out of work and have limited resources myself. 

I am reaching out to my friends on TAM for your help. I have started a gofundme page to help with the expenses. I have had my oldest daughter post the link on her FB page and share it with her friends. 

Thank you for any help you can give us. A proper burial for Paul by Denise Rhodes - GoFundMe


----------



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Done, and please accept my most heartfelt condolences for you and your family Pidge.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

MountainRunner said:


> Done, and please accept my most heartfelt condolences for you and your family Pidge.


Thank you very much!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry for your loss. It's been a hard road for you.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Done, only wish I could do more.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I'm sorry for your loss. It's been a hard road for you.


Thank you. It's been rough for all of us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Pluto2 said:


> Done, only wish I could do more.


Thank you so much. Just the fact that you are willing to help a stranger, means a lot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

I'm sorry for your loss Pidge.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

coffee4me said:


> I'm sorry for your loss Pidge.


Thank you coffee.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

RIP little brother. I miss you so much!


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

$500 has been raised so far! Thank you so much!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## meson (May 19, 2011)

Sorry to hear about your loss. May the better memories remain vivid as the years pass.


----------



## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

So sorry for your loss Pidge...


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

So so sorry... Tears....


----------



## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

Done and so very very sorry for your loss.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I can't imagine the loss you must feel right now, may your family meet this goal for your beloved brother...I took a moment this morning, so sorry.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I can't imagine the loss you must feel right now, may your family meet this goal for your beloved brother...I took a moment this morning, so sorry.


Thank you SA.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Samantha36 said:


> Done and so very very sorry for your loss.


Thank you for your generous donation, it means so much that you would do that.....especially since you are so new to the forum.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I just want to thank everyone for your kind words and donations. It means a lot to me. Truly.


----------



## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

C'mon Tammers, we can do better than this! If 50 people gave just $20 each, Pidge would have $1,000 more for the burial.

Pidge, have you told people at your former work place and Joe's work place about this?


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

skype said:


> C'mon Tammers, we can do better than this! If 50 people gave just $20 each, Pidge would have $1,000 more for the burial.
> 
> Pidge, have you told people at ynour former work place and Joe's work place about this?


Not yet, but I will. Thank you for your support!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

We are now at $730. We are at 9% of our goal. Thank you again everyone!


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I'm sorry for your family's loss, Pidge! I hope you make your goal; I wish I could have done more! Have posted on Facebook for TAM friends (and former) who might not otherwise know! *HUGS*

~SGW


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I'm sorry for your family's loss, Pidge! I hope you make your goal; I wish I could have done more! Have posted on Facebook for TAM friends (and former) who might not otherwise know! *HUGS*
> 
> ~SGW


Thank you so very much!


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I will be donating in a little while.... so more to come.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I will be donating in a little while.... so more to come.


Thank you Blossom!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am sorry for your loss, Pidge.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I am sorry for your loss, Pidge.


Thanks JB.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

pidge, I just left a "gift" for your brother's burial... his beautiful soul... RIP. Please let me know that you received it...

Had some trouble confirming the donation...

Your brother is in Heaven with the angels now...


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

My condolences pidge, he was just three weeks younger than I am, I wish you strength and courage, and I hope my small contribution helps towards providing the burial you feel he deserves..


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Lon said:


> My condolences pidge, he was just three weeks younger than I am, I wish you strength and courage, and I hope my small contribution helps towards providing the burial you feel he deserves..


Thank you so much Lon!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> pidge, I just left a "gift" for your brother's burial... his beautiful soul... RIP. Please let me know that you received it...
> 
> Had some trouble confirming the donation...
> 
> Your brother is in Heaven with the angels now...


I'm not seeing anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Pidge, 

I'm so sorry for your loss. You seem to be standing strong during this time, and that's just amazing. I have your family in my thoughts.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sorry for the loss you and your family have suffered Pidge. We don't interact much on the boards,but I do follow your threads. You've always struck me as a strong,capable woman and I hope that it serves you well in your time of need. God bless your brother,you and your family.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

staarz21 said:


> Pidge,
> 
> I'm so sorry for your loss. You seem to be standing strong during this time, and that's just amazing. I have your family in my thoughts.


Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

TBT said:


> Sorry for the loss you and your family have suffered Pidge. We don't interact much on the boards,but I do follow your threads. You've always struck me as a strong,capable woman and I hope that it serves you well in your time of need. God bless your brother,you and your family.


You are too sweet, thank you very much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

$1215 now.....thank you all again.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Not sure how much it will help, but I posted about Paul on Reddit and included the GoFundMe link. That Reddit site is confusing as heck.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

My condolences to you and your family. I lost my brother in December and know what you are going through. God bless you.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> My condolences to you and your family. I lost my brother in December and know what you are going through. God bless you.


Thank you and I am terribly sorry for your loss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Visitation will be Thursday. Funeral on Friday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I'm so sorry to hear this pidge. ((hugs))


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Anonymous07 said:


> I'm so sorry to hear this pidge. ((hugs))


Thank you.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Not that I think anyone doesn't believe me but, in case there are doubters.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

We are now at $1315, and I know it is mostly due to my TAM friends and their generosity. Thank you all so much!


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Just saw this. My sincere condolences to you and your family Pidge. I hope all our little gifts will help sooth your heart.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Just saw this. My sincere condolences to you and your family Pidge. I hope all our little gifts will help sooth your heart.


Thank you so much WOM!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

My condolences. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

RoseAglow said:


> My condolences. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.


Thank you so much for your help!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)




----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

The wake is this evening. Tomorrow at 11 is the funeral.This is going to show just how final this is for me. This sucks so bad.

To all of you that donated, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I truly appreciate it. Those of you dealing with your own financial struggles and still helped, that is so awesome. I am very grateful that I found this community. Bless all of you.


----------



## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

Just saw your thread about your brother.sorry for your loss.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

pidge70 said:


> The wake is this evening. Tomorrow at 11 is the funeral.This is going to show just how final this is for me. This sucks so bad.
> 
> To all of you that donated, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I truly appreciate it. Those of you dealing with your own financial struggles and still helped, that is so awesome. I am very grateful that I found this community. Bless all of you.


It's times like this that renew my faith in humanity. 

Take care Pidge.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

101Abn said:


> Just saw your thread about your brother.sorry for your loss.


Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> It's times like this that renew my faith in humanity.
> 
> Take care Pidge.


My faith has also been renewed. Thank you AP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

My thoughts are with you and your family this evening Pidge.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Thinking of you and your family today and lifting you guys in prayer....


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Horrible day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## meson (May 19, 2011)

Remember you are not alone. It may have been a horrible day but it over and you are loved by many who do not even really know you from TAM.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

pidge70 said:


> Horrible day.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your brother is no longer suffering!!!!!!

It's a good day for him...IMHO


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Stay strong, Pidge! And don't mourn Paul's early passing, Sweetheart! 

Celebrate his life and what he meant to you all, and more importantly how God made use him of him in His beautiful world! Trust me, Paul would have wanted it that way!


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

MarriedGuy221 said:


> So sorry... my father in law died the same day but at age 87 after a full life. I am sorry your brother was taken so young... its not very fair. Left a donation...


Thank you so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> Stay strong, Pidge! And don't mourn Paul's early passing, Sweetheart!
> 
> Celebrate his life and what he meant to you all, and more importantly how God made use him of him in His beautiful world! Trust me, Paul would have wanted it that way!


I'm trying to. Still hurts though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

the guy said:


> Your brother is no longer suffering!!!!!!
> 
> It's a good day for him...IMHO


Yes, he is no longer suffering, but, he did not want to die. He tried so hard to fight this.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> Yes, he is no longer suffering, but, he did not want to die. He tried so hard to fight this.


He wanted to live because of the people who loved him, it sucks he was taken so early and so swiftly, but do your best to honor his memory by living the way he would pidge.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Lon said:


> He wanted to live because of the people who loved him, it sucks he was taken so early and so swiftly, but do your best to honor his memory by living the way he would pidge.


I'm having a really hard time with this. One minute I am okay, the next crying my eyes out. I miss him, I feel guilty. Guilty for telling him I would help him beat it, guilty for laughing or smiling. 

I am so far behind in my classes and there are only a little over two weeks before finals. How am I supposed to focus?

I hate this, I really do. I am so damn angry. I let him down and now he is gone.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Pidge, you are assigning yourself too much power. His time of passing wasn't in your control, Hun. Thats a hook you will find a blessed thing to let yourself off of and accept yourself as the limited human being that you are. 

Your emotions are going to cycle, perfectly normal. Be patient with yourself, kind with yourself. Give yourself permission to roller coaster right now.

You _will_ survive. Its just who you are.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I just wanted so badly to still believe there was hope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> I just wanted so badly to still believe there was hope.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That was exactly the way I felt about my 90 year old Mom, when she died in the summer of 2001. Bless her heart, I guess that I had deluded myself into believing that she would last forever because she seemingly always had, despite her gradually declining health and physical health issues.

But to this very day, I still strongly feel her spirit right alongside me, sometimes at more than others!

Pidge: I feel that it will be the same for you and Paul and just accept that as a loving gift from God ~ there's absolutely nothing wrong with the way that you feel!


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

pidge70 said:


> I just wanted so badly to still believe there was hope.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That was the hardest step for me to let go of in my relationship with my mom... I know you understand...

This is why I know you will survive... you've grieved the loss of hope before.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> I'm having a really hard time with this. One minute I am okay, the next crying my eyes out. I miss him, I feel guilty. Guilty for telling him I would help him beat it, guilty for laughing or smiling.
> 
> I am so far behind in my classes and there are only a little over two weeks before finals. How am I supposed to focus?
> 
> I hate this, I really do. I am so damn angry. I let him down and now he is gone.


You absolutely did not let him down, you were there him by his side doing what you could. You made him your top priority while still maintaining all the other crap we have to deal with in life. Hell no don't feel guilty for laughing or smiling, that is what was needed, by you, by him and by everybody you know in this world even your tam friends. Faith and optimistism is not to be confused with obligation, he knew you were there in his corner supporting his fight, but that he lost is not anyone's failure. It's fvcking cancer and it takes lives, don't let it poison your life too. My ex W carried around so much guilt for her behaviors and choices when her mom was dying of cancer - she was in her rebellious teen years at the time, but despite what went down leading up to the last moments, the relationship they had transcended that, and they truly loved each other.

Drop any regrets you are feeling about your brother pidge because they are not based on love or facts, your resentment is based on grief and your own fears. Your relationship with Paul transends whatever awful experiences each of you have gone through at the final moments, you are his big sister and through everything he looked up to you for the right reasons.

Talk with your prof and explain your situation, is not an automatic pass but it will help alleviate some of the stress from expectations you think he may have of you, may earn you a little extra time and may buy you a little leeway on the marking. It might change nothing but at least open the line of communication.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Pidge, it is hard for me to imagine any sister who honored a brother more than you. You were his advocate with the doctors and a comfort to him. You gave his struggle a voice and shared his story with your own. That is brave and filled with hope.

My older brother died in 2004. It remains utterly senseless to me to this day. I just adored the guy. He was a wonderful brother and uncle to my kids. Now, when I hear a song he loved (he was a musician) or tell a story about him to my girls, he is with me, laughing that husky laugh he had. We still harmonize well together, although I maintain he is still a wee-bit pitchy.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You were a good sister, Pidge.

My first cousin has lung cancer. She was the illegitimate daughter of my mother's big sister, so she like an aunt to me. The cancer was knocked by for a while but now it has spread to her bones. The doctor gave her 5 months maximum. My mother wants me to go home and take care of my father who has Alzheimer's so that she can visit.

Three deaths from cigarettes, two to lung cancer, one to emphysema. One aunt died of breast cancer. Her husband worked a lead mine and the house was right on the site.

Ah, Pidge hang in there.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your love and support gave him the strength to live as long as he did. Nothing to feel guilty about. Everything to be proud of. You were there for him - everyone should be so lucky.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I just miss him so much. Can't get through the day without crying multiple times.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

If you didn't you wouldn't be normal.  Resolve to nurture yourself as if you were caring for your own child and resist getting frustrated that your body has got to do what it has got to do to heal.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Doing a little better, now I feel guilty. I will be glad when I can come to the acceptance phase. I can still hear his voice. I hope that never stops.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

So sorry Pidge, it will get better though. I still my dad's voice too. I had a few voicemail messages he left me on my phone, I sometimes listen to them just to hear his voice. I'm so glad I saved them. I still miss my dad every day. 

Hugs!


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

karole said:


> So sorry Pidge, it will get better though. I still my dad's voice too. I had a few voicemail messages he left me on my phone, I sometimes listen to them just to hear his voice. I'm so glad I saved them. I still miss my dad every day.
> 
> Hugs!


You are so lucky you have a recording. My mom said our other brother has a short video with Paul talking on it. I need to get that copied somehow.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

pidge70 said:


> You are so lucky you have a recording. My mom said our other brother has a short video with Paul talking on it. I need to get that copied somehow.


Do you have any voice messages from him? If so, there are tools available that you can use to extract them so that you can hold onto them.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Do you have any voice messages from him? If so, there are tools available that you can use to extract them so that you can hold onto them.


No, I don't. I wish I did.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Thank you so much Mr. Blunt and 101Abn! You guys are awesome!


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I can hear my brother's voice. 

After his funeral I came home and dug in the garden. I buried him there amongst the vegetables and flowers. It is a place I can mourn him.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

There is a poster on here that has now donated $400. We have not interacted on here that I can recall. While I am greatly appreciative of his overwhelming generosity, I feel like I should tell him to take his latest donation back. I'm not sure how to express my gratitude for all his help.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Perhaps it is time to close the account.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> Perhaps it is time to close the account.


Why would I do that? I have been trying to spread the link around in other avenues. We have not yet reached our goal. If the goal is not realized eventually I will close it off to additional donations. As it is now, I will continue to try and raise the money to help my parents. I also want to be able to put a marker on him. I don't want to leave him in an unmarked grave. 

On another note, I have been having some odd dreams. I won't mention what they are exactly, but they are quite graphic and disturbing. Sh!t is doing a number on me.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Going back home today to put flowers on all the graves of my loved ones. I have a feeling this day will be full of a lot of crying. Mom is not handling this well at all. I don't have anyone to talk to about my own grief, and it is starting to weigh on me. I'm even more irritable than usual. Go figure.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I want to give a special shout out to GusPolinski for helping me download this video...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iPMej1e-1k. If you can get past his obnoxious girlfriend's voice, it is a video of my brother Paul. You can even hear his voice. Made me cry, a lot, but it was so great to hear his voice again! Thank you again Gus, I really do appreciate it.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You're very welcome.

And hey, maybe @weightlifter can help w/ the audio!


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Got a copy of his death certificate. The cause of death is listed as "End stage unspecified malignant neoplasm with metastasis to the liver and lung. Not quite sure what all that means, not that it really matters. He's gone.

Brought my mom down on the 3rd of this month. Too many memories of Paul at her house. Plus, she has no one to talk to there. She said dad still hasn't cried. 

Dad and my youngest brother both refused to go to the cemetery with mom and I last month. Paul's grave site just looks sad. The only way you know it is his burial place is due to a sign the funeral home put there. 

In other news, I swallowed my pride and asked for my old job back. Not a lot of options job wise here with my limited experience. More doors should open up when I graduate. (Knock on wood) I should be able to squirrel away a little bit every month to help pay for a marker. 

Not sure why, but I really like this pic of Paul. Love the face he is making. He made that face a lot.....lol


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* Always continue to cherish those many memories of him, Sweetheart!*


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I'm trying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Thank you so much CeeGee!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Today Paul would have been 39. I miss him so much. If he were still alive, I would be giving him so much grief about being so close to 40. I love you Pablo Miguel. <<(I used to call him that when I was 14....lol) He hated it.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Still on my mind, every day. I love you Pauly!


----------



## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

My sister died over 10 years ago and the other night I had a dream about her.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Ikaika said:


> My sister died over 10 years ago and the other night I had a dream about her.


I never seem to dream about Paul from when he was alive. I dream of his last day, and of his funeral. It's overwhelming at times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Pidge, 

I think it's the stage of the grieving process that you are in. When you come to the acceptance stage, I'll bet that you have dreams of him alive.

Maybe right now you have to keep going back to his last day for your subconscious to process all that happened. It takes time. I know it's hard.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I believe this will be my last post. I honestly cannot deal with site anymore. Too many trolls, too many good people gone, and too many people that get on my last nerve.

I do want to sincerely thank everyone that helped me when Paul died. Thank you for helping with your donations, with your kindness, and your many words of encouragement. Without you amazing people, I would not have been able to bury my brother with dignity. I will forever be grateful. 

There are some truly amazing people here. I am so glad that I got to know you. 

Take care my TAM friends. 

Love, 
Pidge


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

You have been through a lot and I've admired your resilience. 

Maybe we'll see you back when the mood hits... until then Pidge, I wish you and yours all the best.



(and here's hoping I've not been one that's gotten on your last nerve!)


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> You have been through a lot and I've admired your resilience.
> 
> Maybe we'll see you back when the mood hits... until then Pidge, I wish you and yours all the best.
> 
> ...


You are one of the sweetest people on here my friend. You could never get on my nerves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Got Paul's headstone ordered last Friday. It will be put on his grave in March. This makes me feel somewhat better. Still trying to pay off the funeral. It is what it is. I'll get it done.

Thanks again to all of you that helped. You are amazing people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You and your family are in our thoughts, Pidge


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Thank you Pluto. I appreciate it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Got the line drawing of Paul's headstone. Hopefully it will be set by the 18th of April. I can't believe it has almost been a year since he left us.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Today Paul would have been 40. I hate this so much. I'm going to Illinois today to pick up my mom to visit his grave. I got pink roses for his and my Nonnie's grave. Nonnie would have loved the roses. I can hear Paul though saying, why the Hell did you get pink ones? 

God, I miss him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

