# How often are suspicious spouses wrong about affair, either EA or PA



## scott079 (Jul 27, 2017)

So I am curious to hear from senior members or people who have read stories for some time now. How often does a suspicious spouse get it wrong about an EA or PA? As in, having a gut feeling something is off, feeling insecure, and having at least a few pieces of circumstantial evidence (odd phone records, spouse pulling away, etc), but then it turns out to be nothing. From what I keep reading so so many people's gut feelings end up being right. But then I read a couple of people who say their ex spouse accused them of cheating when they never did, though I see less of those posts. 

I am curious as to a percentage guess from anyone interested in guessing.




I ask because my ex married the guy who was "just a friend" within 2 years of our divorce.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Wish there was 0% and 5% options.


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## scott079 (Jul 27, 2017)

I should have made a 0% or 5%, so lets just assume that 10% is between 0 and 10%. But lets be honest, if this poll comes back with the majority of people saying 10%, then it paints a clear picture of what the opinions are based on each person's story and what they have seen in other peoples lives. 90% is pretty damning.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Would have liked to have had a "Zero" option!

In my estimation, one's "gut instinct" is truly the "Eighth Wonder of the World!"

A true, intuitive gift from God Himself!*


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

My vote assumed this poll is based on stories here on TAM. As Arb said the gut instinct is truly a survival tool given to us by our creator. In recent times it seems many try to squelch it or turn it off completely. That being said, folks who make it here are already suspicious enough to seek out help on an anonymous forum, so they may be a bit more on the side of a sure thing than the average populace. On here the numbers are definitely below 10%.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

scott079 said:


> I should have made a 0% or 5%, so lets just assume that 10% is between 0 and 10%. But lets be honest, if this poll comes back with the majority of people saying 10%, then it paints a clear picture of what the opinions are based on each person's story and what they have seen in other peoples lives. 90% is pretty damning.


*In defense of "gut instinct," in my estimation, it is only fallacious in less than 1/10th of 1% as an infidelity monitor! *


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Kamstel said:


> Wish there was 0% and 5% options.


Trust your gut..0%is my vote


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## MapMan (Dec 11, 2015)

I voted 40%. Some of us are more neurotic than others. I can never know for sure, but I did know that I became obsessive at one point, tracking her location. I literally (that means in real life for those under 30) had to take a pill. It didn't dull me, rather it feed me from intrusive unending repetitive thoughts.

My gut was correct in feeling something in her was changing and shortly after that feeling, she asked to separate. I asked if this meant sleeping with others and she said yes. I replied that if she f****d some other guy, that I was gone. Ironically, this turned things around because she didn't imagine I still loved her and we began our journey back to love from that point. Of course, I kept tracking her location, calls, etc, but nothing was ever more that shopping at cheap stores or at a cheap restaurant for which there was a charge on the bill.

I'll never know for certain, of course. But I did the exhaustive kind of research only an obsessive with technical expertise can do.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

arbitrator said:


> *Would have liked a Zero option!
> 
> In my estimation, "your gut instinct" is truly the "Eighth Wonder of the World!"
> 
> A true intuitive gift from God!*


It can't be zero percent. My wife once accused me, falsely. So there is at least one known case.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Randy Lafever said:


> It can't be zero percent. My wife once accused me, falsely. So there is at least one known case.


Maybe it wasn't intuition, but projection, in her case.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

IME here and in real life, less than 10%.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

It's less than 5%. 

People who reach the point of posting here have some real big red flags and they really already know deep in their heart, but are hoping people here will give them some magic explanation they couldn't think of. 

Look recently at bango, FloridaGuy123, Scuba_Steve, AlbertG.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Randy Lafever said:


> It can't be zero percent. My wife once accused me, falsely. So there is at least one known case.


*I'm speaking strictly from the perspective of "ascertainability!"

Greatly provided that this was what caused her to falsely suspect you of infidelity, then your assumption is, most definitely correct! 

But where I think that I'm coming from is did her initial accusations come from an initial presence of "gut instinct" on her part?

Individual statistics, in rare conditions, are almost always going to bear out "exceptions" to that rule, one way or the other!*


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

scott079 said:


> So I am curious to hear from senior members or people who have read stories for some time now. How often does a suspicious spouse get it wrong about an EA or PA? As in, having a gut feeling something is off, feeling insecure, and having at least a few pieces of circumstantial evidence (odd phone records, spouse pulling away, etc), but then it turns out to be nothing. From what I keep reading so so many people's gut feelings end up being right. But then I read a couple of people who say their ex spouse accused them of cheating when they never did, though I see less of those posts.
> 
> I am curious as to a percentage guess from anyone interested in guessing.
> 
> I ask because my ex married the guy who was "just a friend" within 2 years of our divorce.


I wanted to vote 0% but there was no option. So "10%"

Your intuition or gut feeling are subconscious signals that your brain picks up that your conscious mind does not. It deals with sharp realisations like 'something is off' in both sudden occurences as well as long term patterns. It doesn't always mean cheating or lies, your conscious brain should decipher the signals to make a balanced conclusion. 

In saying that, it doesn't mean that your instincts are wrong, they are right to pick something up but you have to discern what it means. Overthinking and paranoia can cloud the conclusion as well, that's why you need to be able to discern 'I know' from 'what if'. When your instincts and logical mind are both in 'I know', then it's never wrong from my experience.

Hone your instincts and treat it as a lifelong skill to develop.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I think when a typically rational person begins feeling in their gut something isnt right, they need to trust that feeling and investigate. Unless one is highly paranoid and suspicious by nature, I think that "gut" is there for a reason.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I’d say 20% or less, and assuming that half of those are people that are just irrationally paranoid (having encountered nothing that would trigger the “gut feeling” in a rational person), it’s likely 10% or less.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I have no idea about % but something is usually off, maybe not cheated but something in the relationship needs to improve.

I have suspected Mrs. Conan once in 27 years. I could be wrong and she has denied ever considering straying.

She has often suspected me but it is more or less insecurity that we take care of with reassuring methods.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I voted 40% BTW.

It still leaves a huge margin for accurate gut instincts and, honestly, there is a very large percentage of clueless betrayed spouses that don't know anything is up or suspect something besides infidelity.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

10% or less......

Human beings are pattern seeing and seeking creatures when it comes to observation.....

And when routines of actions and behavior change in some way, it becomes noticeable almost immediately to anyone paying even a modicum of attention.

IMO those BS who do not notice changes are so focused inward (maybe from a mental issue like depression, maybe from obsession about work/hobby, or a million other possible causes) that they become oblivious to their environment.....that is how they miss the signs.

But once a person notices that there is something off from how their partner has always behaved previously, there is almost a guarantee that SOMETHING is going on with them that they have not communicated to their spouse.....

And if those ‘changes’ that are noticed are amongst the list of ‘red flags’ for a cheating spouses.....then the chances are almost 100% that they are stepping out.

I can vaguely remember only 1 or 2 threads here where a spouse was displaying ‘red flag’ behavior where it ended up they were NOT cheating.

But I remember A LOT where a BS decided to believe their WS’s explanations for what was going on....only to come back later and say that all the posters giving them advice/warning here had been right after all, and they wish they had listened.....

And not only for the initial discovery, but also about signs that the A was continuing and the WS had taken it underground.

Veteran posters here that have read SO MANY threads are rarely (almost never) wrong when they tell a BS that their WS is cheating or the A is continuing in some way.....

Problem is.....a huge percentage of BSs live in a place called denial.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

When a spouse reaches a point that the "gut" is telling them something is wrong, then it usually is. It might not be cheating, but something is off, or has changed in the relationship.

So I will say that if the gut is saying infidelity, it is correct more often than not. 10%.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Personal experience? Family and friends? Right every time. TAM's different because you never know how many stories are true and how many aren't. But in real life? Zero percent wrong.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I know many who were right. I know 3 who were wrong. One of those 3 blew up their marriage for nothing. I consider the husband lucky because he got rid of a suspicious, paranoid, invasive shrew.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Personal experience?

My brother was married to a nurse - 12 hour shifts. They had 3 young sons (5, 7 & 9) at the time.

She became distant, starting arguments over nothing, never wanted to be around him, was never happy at home.

She told him she needed to separate for space to get her feelings sorted. Then she moved to a little town about 10 miles away from their home.

His gut was screaming affair. He got a PI to watch her house and it took only a week to see a guy park his car in a nearby public park and walk into her house, then not show his face until early the next morning.

It took him another week to figure out that this guy was the son of a coworker of his wife. New guy was almost 10 years younger than his wife.

I took about 4 months for the divorce to be final. In our state, if infidelity is proven the 1 year "cooling off" period is waved.

She was making much more than him but working 12 hour shifts, so he got primary custody and child support.

After the divorce, she continued the affair. Turns out that the new guy was dealing drugs. It did not take her long to get hooked and was blowing all her money on drugs. The kids started to balk at the court ordered weekend visits because she was never sober and there was never any food in the house.

She died of an overdose about 10 years after the D.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I've seen the numbers before in the abstract for some studies on the topic. But here's the data repeated on another website.


"• 79% of women and 49% of men correctly suspected their partner of cheating
• Women were better at catching their partner, and they were twice as likely to call out them for cheating, too"


https://illicitencounterspress.word...-tell-when-their-husband-is-cheating-on-them/


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Agree with @Dyokemm

10%

Go with your gut--that's why its there. This flips the 'What's going on? switch.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

From Ellegirls post, *Women were better at catching their partner, and they were twice as likely to call out them for cheating, too"*

My W has never accused me of cheating, but I think she would know almost immediately if I had cheated.

Tamat


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Kamstel said:


> Wish there was 0% and 5% options.


Damn right. The gut is never wrong.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

My LTgf had a separate office in our place.....with a phone/message machine in it.

She would constantly leave messages on it for me (because I always got off earlier) about dinner or plans for the evening......every day I checked to see if she had called while working (she was in sales, and did a lot of driving between clients).

Then one day, she suddenly yelled at me.....asked why I had checked the messages on her office phone....that was for her clients to leave her messages and if I hit play on it, the flashing red light showing she had new calls would go off and she might miss something important.

Told me not to listen to them again.

I was like WTF?!!!! Asked her why it never bothered her before.....and reminded her that she had always left messages for me on it.

She gave me some song and dance about how it ALWAYS had irritated her....and she finally had enough and had to say something.

Now her dad had died about a month before, and I knew she was really struggling with that.....but I am also not stupid......I knew SOMETHING was up.

Asked her if anything was wrong or going on......of course full denials and anger that I didn’t just accept her ‘reason’ at face value.

She got more secretive....but one month later, one of my best friends saw her out at a club smooching up with her lard a** POS co-worker (on a night she told me she had to work late).

Busted......

I confronted her that night and 20 minutes later kicked her a** out (while she continued to deny there was anything going on but him comforting her because of her dad’s death....and my friend must have misinterpreted because she was not kissing him.....just a hug....blah, blah, blah)

8 months later when she begged for another chance she admitted it had been a full blown EA/PA.....

Thing is....this just reinforced for me.....ALWAYS trust your gut.......I KNEW from the moment she went off about that message machine that something was going on.


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