# I might hit my wife



## anoynymous (Apr 9, 2017)

i am a man of logic and maturity. the concept "husband is always wrong, gets me really angry. I was really close to losing my temper and beating the **** out of my wife. But I controlled my anger, but I am not sure till where I can control it. Everyone has a breaking point, and I don't want to experience it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@anoynymous

If you are that close to hitting her, you need to get into anger management counseling.


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## shrah25 (Mar 22, 2017)

anoynymous said:


> i am a man of logic and maturity. the concept "husband is always wrong, gets me really angry. I was really close to losing my temper and beating the **** out of my wife. But I controlled my anger, but I am not sure till where I can control it. Everyone has a breaking point, and I don't want to experience it.


Hi There

Being a man, I totally understand how frustrating it is when you feel like you are 'wrong' but before you do anything stupid - just remember, violence of any sort is completely unacceptable. 

Isn't it interesting - a true masculine responds to challenge. If a man has a business and things aren't going well, what happens? He pushes harder and tries to find a way to make it work. But when he's in a relationship and he doesn't understand what's happening, he either becomes a mouse or he gets aggressive. If you were respond to this situation as a challenge and recognise that this is a huge learning experience for you that could turn your life around, then it would free you. 

Yes, men are logical but feminine energy doesn't respond the same. Recognise that when she's firing those 'bullets' at you, she's calling to you to listen and meet her needs. Understand that her world is an emotional world based on feeling, not logic. If you actually made an effort to become somewhat of a detective and understand what she's actually calling out to you for, then you could turn things around. 

As long as you get angry and aggressive, you simply will go nowhere in your relationship...
I don't mean to be blunt but it's important that you grasp this message - otherwise you will continue to experience the anger and rage that you are feeling at the moment.

Thanks


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

anoynymous said:


> i am a man of logic and maturity. the concept "husband is always wrong, gets me really angry. I was really close to losing my temper and beating the **** out of my wife. But I controlled my anger, but I am not sure till where I can control it. Everyone has a breaking point, and I don't want to experience it.


Don't.

Leave her if you can't control yourself. You probably shouldn't be married.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Better have a really good reason to hit your wife or any woman for that matter. You may find yourself in a worse situation.

What would it solve?

If one or both of you have such issues... Divorce.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Does she hit you?

Only reason to hit someone is to protect yourself.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

shrah25 said:


> Hi There
> 
> Being a man, I totally understand how frustrating it is when you feel like you are 'wrong' but before you do anything stupid - just remember, violence of any sort is completely unacceptable.
> 
> ...


Actually I think this is too simplistic. I often had the feeling that during certain arguments we have at home (usually when her PMS is really bad), my wife would on some level prefer it, if I showed any sign of being violent (or getting me into that stage). It would give her the confirmation that she is able to "get me out of myself" and lose control. It's really mental sometimes.

I never really lost it with her but I was also extremely close. It would usually happen during a very heated argument (about absolutely nothing) and when I know she's trying just to get a reaction out of me. I would then often ask her to leave the room or try to leave the room myself because I know, that once she calms down, it'll be over and she will stop this non sense and things will be normal. But when she won't let me go, won't give me space/doesn't respect my request for leaving me alone, it's difficult not to tip over to that bad place. On occasion, I have tried to push her aside so that i could go to anther room. I would do it carefully. However in her head, she would get her "satisfaction" that I lost control (and say that I "shoved" her or whatever) without me actually getting "violent" as such. She would then storm off and leave me alone (which is what I want in those situations). I have also tried just counting and bearing being in the same room while she throws accusations and ridiculous things at me (it's mostly meaningless, hormone-related behaviour, I realise, for some, there can be valid and serious arguments). But it was not as productive as pretending to get violent, if that makes sense...

Sometimes we "resolve" the problem by ****ing vigorously too. Go figure. It's literally once a month, like clock-work (though intensity of arguments varies).

But sending people to "anger management" by default is not always the most informed option (unless the guy actually loses it properly, then perhaps prison is a better option). I think people don't realise how bad it can get for women during PMS. I now keep an app on my phone so i kind of know what I am dealing with and when.


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## shrah25 (Mar 22, 2017)

inmyprime said:


> Actually I think this is too simplistic. I often had the feeling that during certain arguments we have at home (usually when her PMS is really bad), my wife would on some level prefer it, if I showed any sign of being violent (or getting me into that stage). It would give her the confirmation that she is able to "get me out of myself" and lose control. It's really mental sometimes.
> 
> I never really lost it with her but I was also extremely close. It would usually happen during a very heated argument (about absolutely nothing) and when I know she's trying just to get a reaction out of me. I would then often ask her to leave the room or try to leave the room myself because I know, that once she calms down, it'll be over and she will stop this non sense and things will be normal. But when she won't let me go, won't give me space/doesn't respect my request for leaving me alone, it's difficult not to tip over to that bad place. On occasion, I have tried to push her aside so that i could go to anther room. I would do it carefully. However in her head, she would get her "satisfaction" that I lost control (and say that I "shoved" her or whatever) without me actually getting "violent" as such. She would then storm off and leave me alone (which is what I want in those situations). I have also tried just counting and bearing being in the same room while she throws accusations and ridiculous things at me (it's mostly meaningless, hormone-related behaviour, I realise, for some, there can be valid and serious arguments). But it was not as productive as pretending to get violent, if that makes sense...
> 
> ...


Hi There

Relationships are complex and I agree that there is probably a lot more to it than what I referred to but it's important to work at a simple level first if they are operating at an 'unconscious' level. If someone is dealing with anger and then you suddenly jump deep into childhood traumas or the examples that you gave, then it may appear too complex and further exacerbate the issue. When healing, you have to go through the various stages, not just jump straight into the depths of the root cause - otherwise that root cause will never have the impact that it needs to have. 

You're points are absolutely valid and accurate - but taking individuals through the various stages is crucial and sometimes that means stating some of the simple concepts first and then progressing from there. 

Thanks


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

shrah25 said:


> Hi There
> 
> Relationships are complex and I agree that there is probably a lot more to it than what I referred to but it's important to work at a simple level first if they are operating at an 'unconscious' level. If someone is dealing with anger and then you suddenly jump deep into childhood traumas or the examples that you gave, then it may appear too complex and further exacerbate the issue. When healing, you have to go through the various stages, not just jump straight into the depths of the root cause - otherwise that root cause will never have the impact that it needs to have.
> 
> ...


Yes of course you are right. But is it the "job" of the spouse to be your partner's shrink? Most of us are not qualified (it's not because we don't want to do it, we just might do it the wrong way. People train for this kind of thing for years and take exams!).

In my wife's case, 95% of our arguments are hormone-related. 3 weeks each month, we have an otherwise almost perfect marriage!


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## shrah25 (Mar 22, 2017)

inmyprime said:


> Yes of course you are right. But is it the "job" of the spouse to be your partner's shrink? Most of us are not qualified (it's not because we don't want to do it, we just might do it the wrong way. People train for this kind of thing for years and take exams!).
> 
> In my wife's case, 95% of our arguments are hormone-related. 3 weeks each month, we have an otherwise almost perfect marriage!


Great question! My take on this - and yes, another simple answer - is that it's our job in a relationship to love our partner unconditionally. Then the question is that, what would you be prepared to do for someone that you truly love? Typically the answer is anything. When you love someone unconditionally, even when all the stones are being thrown, it's amazing the healing force it has on the other person. I do believe it's also our job as part of the learning process to truly learn about our partners at an in-depth level...As we learn more, we can continue to give more which then expands our capacity to give love. 

From there, either it works, or you get to a place where you recognise that loving them means letting them go onto the next stage of their journey. If that means that they need to rediscover themselves and heal those wounds on the inside, then so be it. 

Partners are not there to coach - partners are there to love...truly love. 

If they only love when they get something in return, then it's a transaction and that, in the long run, never works...


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

shrah25 said:


> Great question! My take on this - and yes, another simple answer - is that it's our job in a relationship to love our partner unconditionally. Then the question is that, what would you be prepared to do for someone that you truly love? Typically the answer is anything. When you love someone unconditionally, even when all the stones are being thrown, it's amazing the healing force it has on the other person. I do believe it's also our job as part of the learning process to truly learn about our partners at an in-depth level...As we learn more, we can continue to give more which then expands our capacity to give love.
> 
> From there, either it works, or you get to a place where you recognise that loving them means letting them go onto the next stage of their journey. If that means that they need to rediscover themselves and heal those wounds on the inside, then so be it.
> 
> ...


Again, you are completely right, as far as the general idea is concerned. It may be idealistic, but it should be that way at least...The problem is that the act of love itself, is arguably a selfish endeavour: you love someone because you want them to love you back. This may only be the case on a subconscious level of course. Biologically speaking, I think it is only possible to love your child or immediate family really altruistically and unconditionally. Especially the bond between mother and child is the strongest bond possible (genetically) and you will always love your child, no matter what, that's coded into us. The bond between spouses is arguably the weakest (I am talking in general terms as well). This is the reason why we have such elaborate ceremonies (weddings etc) and make so many promises/vows etc to "seal" the bond. It's actually fundamentally not very strong and impossible to actually "seal" anything.

Over the years (and I have only been together with one partner, my wife, for almost 20 years now), I have come to believe, a successful marriage is actually more about couples respecting each other and showing courtesy. Anything beyond it, requires quite a lot of work and self-persuasion. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my wife and would do anything for her. But I can say with certainty that it is not the same type of love as I have for my children. In my head, I feel like I do love her in the same altruistic way, but I am not sure whether it is not my ideals speaking instead.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

She wants the excitement of you being in the edge. It's not healthy for you. Like, it's stressing out your heart.

She is being a brat.

Offer a trade... She tones it down... You hit her with a flogger while tied to the bed. She wants a spanking that Will sting for a day or so.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TaDor said:


> She wants the excitement of you being in the edge. It's not healthy for you. Like, it's stressing out your heart.
> 
> She is being a brat.
> 
> Offer a trade... She tones it down... You hit her with a flogger while tied to the bed. She wants a spanking that Will sting for a day or so.


Beat me to it!:grin2:

Learn how to spank her without hurting her and start having a lot more sex.

Of course your wrong. You are a man. She knew it going in.

So since she married a man, act like one.

Don't ever hit a woman unless defending yourself or others.

More sex and spanking is my prescription.


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## shrah25 (Mar 22, 2017)

inmyprime said:


> Again, you are completely right, as far as the general idea is concerned. It may be idealistic, but it should be that way at least...The problem is that the act of love itself, is arguably a selfish endeavour: you love someone because you want them to love you back. This may only be the case on a subconscious level of course. Biologically speaking, I think it is only possible to love your child or immediate family really altruistically and unconditionally. Especially the bond between mother and child is the strongest bond possible (genetically) and you will always love your child, no matter what, that's coded into us. The bond between spouses is arguably the weakest (I am talking in general terms as well). This is the reason why we have such elaborate ceremonies (weddings etc) and make so many promises/vows etc to "seal" the bond. It's actually fundamentally not very strong and impossible to actually "seal".
> 
> Over the years (and I have only been together with one partner, my wife, for almost 20 years now), I have come to believe, a successful marriage is actually more about couples respecting each other and showing courtesy. Anything beyond it, requires quite a lot of work and self-persuasion. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my wife and would do anything for her. But I can say with certainty that it is not the same type of love as I have for my children. In my head, I feel like I do love her in the same altruistic way, but I am not sure whether it is not my ideals speaking instead.


Hi There

I understand where you're coming from here, but i'm going to have to disagree with you here. Love is a verb, not a noun. Love is about giving, not getting. It is absolutely not a selfish endeavour because love is about serving and giving from the heart. As long as you are loving to get back, then it's a trade and then it's not love. 

As far as relationships go, I have seen so many couples who have got the most extraordinary marriage where they grow emotionally, mentally and spiritually with each other and have created a love that is so pure, it's beautiful to see. Your comment about a relationship requiring work - well, that goes without saying. This is absolutely paramount for anything to grow in life. For some reason, as a society, we are prepared to go to the gym and build muscle, we're prepared to grow our businesses but very few make the real commitment to do the same for their relationship. This, in my opinion, is what causes so many relationships to fail. 

I'll stop going on about this topic here but if you want to learn more, I think a book such as "perfect love, imperfect relationship" by John Welwood might be a good one to read.
Cheers


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

TaDor said:


> She wants the excitement of you being in the edge. It's not healthy for you. Like, it's stressing out your heart.
> 
> She is being a brat.
> 
> Offer a trade... She tones it down... You hit her with a flogger while tied to the bed. She wants a spanking that Will sting for a day or so.


She loves spanking and when I am violent-ish in bed. That's what made me realise that she's teasing out this side of me on purpose sometimes. However I also don't want to sound like a typical abuser who thinks that their wife is asking for it! :-0
She is otherwise like an angel though. Very strange mixture. Sorry for TJ. It's not about my relationship on this thread. Thought i offer a comment that it's not an uncommon feeling. But there is a clear line (in bed, the lines seem to be more blurry..).


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Let us know how jail works out for you. Look for Manchester. He is there occasionally.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

She loves spanking and when I am violent-ish in bed. That's what made me realise that she's teasing out this side of me on purpose sometimes. However I also don't want to sound like a typical abuser who thinks that their wife is asking for it! :-0
She is otherwise like an angel though. Very strange mixture. Sorry for TJ. It's not about my relationship on this thread. Thought i offer a comment that it's not an uncommon feeling. But there is a clear line (in bed, the line seems to be more blurry).


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

shrah25 said:


> As far as relationships go, I have seen so many couples who have got the most extraordinary marriage where they grow emotionally, mentally and spiritually with each other and have created a love that is so pure, it's beautiful to see. *Your comment about a relationship requiring work - well, that goes without saying. This is absolutely paramount for anything to grow in life. For some reason, as a society, we are prepared to go to the gym and build muscle, we're prepared to grow our businesses but very few make the real commitment to do the same for their relationship.* This, in my opinion, is what causes so many relationships to fail.


I don't think we are disagreeing. You are saying that marriages can work if both put effort into them. I am saying the same thing, but emphasizing the "requiring effort" part. Loving your child requires no effort whatsoever. The feeling is there the moment it's born (or maybe even before). Before you say that a relationship with your child also requires work, I will say that you can never really "unlove" your child. However couples break up and move on all the time, and fall in love with somebody else. You might say that that means that the couple perhaps was never truly in love with each other in the first place while I will say that....I should probably stop having dialogues in my head


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Losing control and hitting someone is a mistake you don't get to make even once. Control is what separates us from animals - hit her and you are not a man but an animal. You haven't yet, so you are still in control. You need to strengthen that control. 

If she makes you so angry that you fell like you have a right to hit her, then why on earth are you in a relationship?


BDSM is completely different. With safe words etc, play however you like if your partner enjoys it rough.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Go to a costume store.

Buy a wig that is the same color as your wife's hair.

Buy a similar dress.

Get a girdle. The full length ones that have a bra attached.

Go home

Strip down "nekid", put on the bra, stuff the bra with foam.

Borrow a set of her panties....a well worn pair that has already taken "a set". Her bottom and hips have long shaped it.

Put on the dress.

Put on makeup and eyeliner.

Get a pair of her bedroom slippers, put those on. I say this because finding a pair of stilleto heel in your size is going to take too much time.

Stand before a full length mirror in your house. Take a selfie.

Now.....beat the crap out of yourself. Punch your nose, your eye sockets over and over. You want black eyes and a bloody nose.

Take a selfie.

Now.....do you feel better?

Now remove the feminine articles and wash them. Get the blood out of them. Luminol proof them. 

Take a shower.

When she gets home and asks what the hell happened to you, tell her that you lipped off to a really, really big women at Walmart. 

She wailed on you. But you did not hit back.

Watch the look on her face. Memorize it for eternity.

When you get the urge to wail on your wife.....look at your selfies.....and smile!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

anoynymous said:


> i am a man of logic and maturity. the concept "husband is always wrong, gets me really angry. I was really close to losing my temper and beating the **** out of my wife. But I controlled my anger, but I am not sure till where I can control it. Everyone has a breaking point, and I don't want to experience it.


Anger management sir. There are programs and self help.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TaDor said:


> She wants the excitement of you being in the edge. It's not healthy for you. Like, it's stressing out your heart.
> 
> She is being a brat.
> 
> Offer a trade... She tones it down... You hit her with a flogger while tied to the bed. She wants a spanking that Will sting for a day or so.





TaDor said:


> She wants the excitement of you being in the edge. It's not healthy for you. Like, it's stressing out your heart.
> 
> She is being a brat.
> 
> Offer a trade... She tones it down... You hit her with a flogger while tied to the bed. She wants a spanking that Will sting for a day or so.


These two posts are “amazing”. Talk about jumping to conclutions. How about we find out why he gets so angry that he wants to beat his wife before we assume that she is bring a brat and that he should spank her?

I was married to a guy who could have written that OP. Except that he did hit me.

My “acting like a brat” that apparently drove him to do this were things like:



I gave my son a small bowl of cottage cheese with fruit. Apparently, according to my ex, cottage cheese is junk food.


After working, I came home and cleaned the kitchen up. He came in from work and decided that I should have cleaned the bedroom instead. Neither was particularly dirty. But according to him I always did the wrong thing.


I made a sauce to go with a meal. He yelled that sauces were a waste of calories and so he threw his dish with the dinner at me. Other times, if I made a meal without a sauce, he would complain that it was too dry. So again, he threw the dish at me. Clearly I was a acting like a brat, just wanted the drama and wanted it whine he started hitting, shoving, etc.


I could go on with examples, but those are enough.

How about we find out what’s going on before we tell a potentially abusive man that his wife is just being a brat, wants the drama and he should spank her?

And him offering some sexual play that included spanking would not have gone over well with me. I find nothing sexy and/or fun about spanking. Especially from a guy with a horrible anger who wants to beat me.

:surprise:


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

A number of posters seem to be confusing consensual BDSM with abuse. 



EleGirl said:


> snip
> And him offering some sexual play that included spanking would not have gone over well with me. I find nothing sexy and/or fun about spanking. Especially from a guy with a horrible anger who wants to beat me.
> 
> :surprise:


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

TaDor said:


> She wants the excitement of you being in the edge. It's not healthy for you. Like, it's stressing out your heart.
> 
> She is being a brat.
> 
> Offer a trade... She tones it down... You hit her with a flogger while tied to the bed. She wants a spanking that Will sting for a day or so.


Wow, seriously?? You/we dont have any idea what is going on here! They may not even be arguing or anything and he has this urge to beat her! This is really dangerous advice in this instance! :surprise:


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

anoynymous said:


> i am a man of logic and maturity. the concept "husband is always wrong, gets me really angry. I was really close to losing my temper and beating the **** out of my wife. But I controlled my anger, but I am not sure till where I can control it. Everyone has a breaking point, and I don't want to experience it.


This is ridiculous. First of all, you have a distorted self-image. You are not a man of logic or maturity if you are considering striking your wife. That is the mind of an immature man. You are actually thinking of hitting your wife as a option. The first step is to recognize how stupid and immature that is. Hitting your wife is idiotic. It is also childish. Children hit. Adults find adult ways to cope with their problems and to resolve them in a healthy manner.

If you are so upset with your wife that you are entertaining hitting her, it is time for you to figure out what inside you allows you to think of that as an option. It is also time for you to decide what you are going to do about your lack of self-control and your anger at your wife.

In a marriage, spouses are supposed to have each other's backs. If you don't then something is broken in the marriage. Since you are the one here, we can only talk to you. Take the first step and do something to correct this problem. You have the power to control your own life and to influence your wife in a positive manner. Your wife is trying to communicate with you, but you are angry about what she's saying. Is she trying to get through to you or is she out of line? If she's trying to get through to you, face whatever it is and do something about it. If she is mistreating you, then deal with her mistreatment appropriately.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> These two posts are “amazing”. Talk about jumping to conclutions. How about we find out why he gets so angry that he wants to beat his wife before we assume that she is bring a brat and that he should spank her?
> 
> I was married to a guy who could have written that OP. Except that he did hit me.
> 
> ...


Did you mean to quote me instead of Tador 2x?

If so, let me know and I will fully explain and support my post. Tador isn't far off base either.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Wow, seriously?? You/we dont have any idea what is going on here! They may not even be arguing or anything and he has this urge to beat her! This is really dangerous advice in this instance! :surprise:


That's because the OP didn't really say much. I wonder why?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> These two posts are “amazing”. Talk about jumping to conclutions. How about we find out why he gets so angry that he wants to beat his wife before we assume that she is bring a brat and that he should spank her?
> 
> I was married to a guy who could have written that OP. Except that he did hit me.
> 
> ...


Whew, I am safe......

I only throw SPACED OUT one-liners at you. 

You feel them.....but you will never let me know. They hurt GOOD ! :laugh:


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> These two posts are “amazing”. Talk about jumping to conclutions. How about we find out why he gets so angry that he wants to beat his wife before we assume that she is bring a brat and that he should spank her?
> 
> I was married to a guy who could have written that OP. Except that he did hit me.
> 
> ...


Actual domestic abuse is a terrible thing. However we all might be guilty of jumping to conclusions due to the lack of information (and also our perception is often influenced by has happened to us).

There is a big difference between someone venting on a forum about having thoughts about "losing it" with their wife and actually doing it. it also seems to me (and I may be jumping to conclusions again) that it doesn't fit a profile of an actual wife-beater posting on a forum being worried about it. The wife would probably be posting instead, anonymously.


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## Problem (Apr 10, 2017)

Sir, you don't love your wife if you are thinking in hitting her just because she annoys you. Why did you even got married with her to begin with? If you can't "deal" with your wife man up and talk to her, trying to fix the situation and yourself (because your way of thinking is way off) or just ask for the Divorce.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

inmyprime said:


> Yes of course you are right. But is it the "job" of the spouse to be your partner's shrink? Most of us are not qualified (it's not because we don't want to do it, we just might do it the wrong way. People train for this kind of thing for years and take exams!).
> 
> In my wife's case, 95% of our arguments are hormone-related. 3 weeks each month, we have an otherwise almost perfect marriage!


As to being the shrink for your spouse. Well yes it is your job to at least help her. If you can't then read and study or get her real professional help.

Seriously, couples support each other and while you may not have the credentials, you did sign up for the support part when you married your spouse.

Not for the statement that really triggered my desire to comment.



> In my wife's case, 95% of our arguments are hormone-related.


That is so incredibly disrespectful! Our spouses usually know our thoughts due to body language, facial expressions, tone of voice etc. If she was upset with you and you gave off any vibes as to oh not not this hormonal crap again, she has a right to be very very angry with you.

If you are not mature enough to be married to a woman and chosen a woman you trusted and respected, then you have no right to be married. 



inmyprime said:


> She loves spanking and when I am violent-ish in bed. That's what made me realise that she's teasing out this side of me on purpose sometimes. However I also don't want to sound like a typical abuser who thinks that their wife is asking for it! :-0
> She is otherwise like an angel though. Very strange mixture. Sorry for TJ. It's not about my relationship on this thread. Thought i offer a comment that it's not an uncommon feeling. But there is a clear line (in bed, the lines seem to be more blurry..).


As stated earlier consensual BDSM is different from violence, except possibly in the eyes of a police officer. For consensual BDSM you need safe words, carefully scripted and agreed upon play session, aftercare, and above all mutual trust. If you feel like you came close to hitting her in a non BDSM setting, you may not necessarily have the control you need to top her. If I were her, I would not want to be topped by someone who felt they ever came close to loosing it.

Let me do a digression for a moment. I have a coworker whose wife once got angry at him and hit him, broke his glasses and kept hitting him. In his mind, to protect himself and stop the fight he hit his wife hard. She called the police, the police arrived and in this State, they are required in a domestic violence situation to haul one partner to jail (zero tolerance, zero judgement). They asked the wife if she hit the husband. She said no. The husband stupidly said yes she did, you see these broken glasses, she kept hitting me until I made her stop by hitting her. That was all the police needed to take him to jail and book him to hold overnight. He admitted to hitting her, she did not admit to hitting him. He was taken to jail in his underwear. He had to call friends and coworkers to bail him out of jail in the morning and bring him clothes to wear to work.

He ultimately got a really good attorney and at trial was not convicted of domestic violence, but the arrest is still on his record. Ultimately, he divorced his wife, but that is another story.

I also know a guy whose wife use to literally beat him with either a rolling pin or cast iron frying pan. Seriously, old school cartoonish. One day he snapped, took the frying pan out of her hand and hit her on the head with it. She died. I met him after he was paroled and we worked together. He was a fairly gentle guy who just lost it one day and lost decades of his life because of it.

The point of the digressions are that violence no matter what you might think and even if you think it might be in self defense, is not as good as walking away and out the door. 

You are lucky because you were able to control yourself. However, you have the ability to let people get to you or not. If you allow others to emotionally trigger rage in you, then you have given them control over you. You need to learn though coping skills how not to get angry, how not to feel enraged. That is your responsibility as a man. 

Many men in such a situation will simple say, I am too emotional at this moment to continue and I need to take a break, go outside for a walk. I will be back, when I am emotionally under control.

Other men, will just stop what they are doing sit down and go into an emotional catatonic state, where they don't talk, don't look at their partner, and just focus on soothing thoughts.

Still others, will smile, not get angry, look at their partner and ask their spouse, why did you say that or do that honey? I don't think what I did warranted that kind of response from you. They will be calm and not angry and ask their spouse to logically explain why they did something that triggered an action that use to make you angry and rageful. 

An example of a coping mechanism that you could take a class on or study more is Non-violent communication theory.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication

Good luck.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

uhtred said:


> Losing control and hitting someone is a mistake you don't get to make even once. Control is what separates us from animals -


My cat likes to play rough at times. Especially play biting. If he didn't have control I would be Captain Hook.

Hitting a spouse plays right into their plan and is a bad idea.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I'm confused... is inmyprime the OP?

(EDIT - addition below)

Nevermind... because of how "inmyprime" responded, I thought he was the OP... and my "BDSM" suggestion was aimed as his response ( #7 )
This is my mistake...
@EleGirl : my response about "your wife is being a brat" and suggesting the BDSM lifestyle was WRONG on my end... I mixed two different posters.

So I disregard what I posted earlier.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> I also know a guy whose wife use to literally beat him with either a rolling pin or cast iron frying pan. Seriously, old school cartoonish. One day he snapped, took the frying pan out of her hand and hit her on the head with it. She died. I met him after he was paroled and we worked together. He was a fairly gentle guy who just lost it one day and lost decades of his life because of it.
> 
> The point of the digressions are that violence no matter what you might think and even if you think it might be in self defense, is not as good as walking away and out the door.


In my state or city... they arrest BOTH people usually. In the case of my wife - she only got arrested because I was the only one bleeding. If both parties have injuries - they arrest both, no matter who started it.

Sorry about your friend..., hopefully that was an OLDER LAW situation.

PS: Yep on BDSM... consenting spanking / etc is not abusive.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

anoynymous said:


> i am a man of logic and maturity. the concept "husband is always wrong, gets me really angry. I was really close to losing my temper and beating the **** out of my wife. But I controlled my anger, but I am not sure till where I can control it. Everyone has a breaking point, and I don't want to experience it.


anoynymous,
either one of you being violent with the other is wrong. When you mentioned "the concept husband is always wrong" I'm not sure if you were telling us that she can hit you but that you cannot hit her. Either of you being violent is a relationship deal breaker and you need to get some space away from each other probably. Maybe I read into your comment incorrectly?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Young at Heart said:


> As to being the shrink for your spouse. Well yes it is your job to at least help her. If you can't then read and study or get her real professional help.
> 
> Seriously, couples support each other and while you may not have the credentials, you did sign up for the support part when you married your spouse.



What are you talking about: who said I don't want to help her. I was responding to a comment thatverbally abused spouse should start from the ground up, going back to childhood issues etc. I am not qualified for that kind of level of help! A professional shrink is. Anyway, she doesn't need a shrink and doesn't have those issues in any case.



Young at Heart said:


> Not for the statement that really triggered my desire to comment.
> 
> That is so incredibly disrespectful! Our spouses usually know our thoughts due to body language, facial expressions, tone of voice etc. If she was upset with you and you gave off any vibes as to oh not not this hormonal crap again, she has a right to be very very angry with you.
> 
> If you are not mature enough to be married to a woman and chosen a woman you trusted and respected, then you have no right to be married.


Again. WHAT?? *She* wasn't upset with me, her hormones go haywire once a month. *It's a scientific fact.* Why is it disrespectful? I said it happens once a month, due to her PMS. Is having PMS disrespectful now? Are you confusing me with someone else? I feel rage building up  (I am joking, in case it wasn't clear).




Young at Heart said:


> As stated earlier consensual BDSM is different from violence, except possibly in the eyes of a police officer. For consensual BDSM you need safe words, carefully scripted and agreed upon play session, aftercare, and above all mutual trust. If you feel like you came close to hitting her in a non BDSM setting, you may not necessarily have the control you need to top her. If I were her, I would not want to be topped by someone who felt they ever came close to loosing it.



I am not confusing actual domestic violence with BDSM. I mention it in relation to the fact that sometimes it is hard to tell when it becomes a sexual thing in my wife's particular case. It took me a while to figure out that it's sometimes part of a spiel (I still sometimes am not sure), but I imagine some couples may never figure it out. It doesn't give you permission to hit anyone (I don't, until i know for sure we are having sex, and even then I can only do spanking).



Young at Heart said:


> Let me do a digression for a moment. I have a coworker whose wife once got angry at him and hit him, broke his glasses and kept hitting him. In his mind, to protect himself and stop the fight he hit his wife hard. She called the police, the police arrived and in this State, they are required in a domestic violence situation to haul one partner to jail (zero tolerance, zero judgement). They asked the wife if she hit the husband. She said no. The husband stupidly said yes she did, you see these broken glasses, she kept hitting me until I made her stop by hitting her. That was all the police needed to take him to jail and book him to hold overnight. He admitted to hitting her, she did not admit to hitting him. He was taken to jail in his underwear. He had to call friends and coworkers to bail him out of jail in the morning and bring him clothes to wear to work.
> 
> He ultimately got a really good attorney and at trial was not convicted of domestic violence, but the arrest is still on his record. Ultimately, he divorced his wife, but that is another story.
> 
> ...


Do you think I don't realise this? And why I try to run a million miles away from this kind of situation from even arising? What is it with these forums where people either don't take in or don't want to take in the actual content of a post before writing an emotionally laden reply.




Young at Heart said:


> You are lucky because you were able to control yourself. However, you have the ability to let people get to you or not. If you allow others to emotionally trigger rage in you, then you have given them control over you. You need to learn though coping skills how not to get angry, how not to feel enraged. That is your responsibility as a man.
> 
> Many men in such a situation will simple say, I am too emotional at this moment to continue and I need to take a break, go outside for a walk. I will be back, when I am emotionally under control.
> 
> ...


Have you read my post?? Those are exactly the things I do to stop myself. Are we getting into thought crimes again?

Ok, I put it down to internet mis-communication.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

inmyprime said:


> Ok, I put it down to internet mis-communication.





Let's put the blame where it belongs please...the internet mis-communication came straight from the thread starter who has only posted once and then flew the coupe so to speak.

OP, we really need more info on exactly why you think hitting your wife is a good idea. Thankfully you haven't done it, but it is a big problem you are even thinking about it as an option. You must be pretty upset over something she does constantly. Why do you stay if it is this bad? What options can you use that are not destructive to make her see that this upsets you tremendously? If you were just venting about wanting to hit her, your post makes a little more sense, but we obviously need more information to better understand your situation.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Jackie Gleason [as Ralph Kramden] had this figured out in the Fifties. He did.

When his wife, Alice, pushed his buttons, he jerked his head back, his big belly bursting out of his bus drivers jacket.

He paced, he pounded, he wagged that big fat finger in her face.

Finally, when he could not hold it in any longer. He held his fist in her face. 

Ralph would scream out. "To the Moon, Alice, to the Moon"!! Everyone who watched this show could not wait until he did it again...and again.

That program could never be aired or played today. Re-runs, I am sure would avoid those particular scenes.

And rightly so. Ralph never hit Alice.....he loved her more than anything in the world. That beautiful wife just enjoyed pushing Chubbies buttons. 

He was the original Archie Bunker. 

Alice was TV's original, free thinking....independent women. When I was a young teen, I thought she was a shrew. Now, looking back, Ralph was an overbearing boor, a bully,
A big Teddy Bear, a Schmoozer, with a big mouth and a big heart that he hid from others.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Op - take it from me, in most states lumping your spouse is actually illegal...especially in California. California takes that **** seriously. Avoid CA at all costs. 

Now in Minnesota locking your spouse in the trunk of the car and leaving it in your unattached carport in January, assuming there's adequate ventilation, isn't even an infraction. The Gopher state is dope!


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

You do not want to hit your wife.

Jail is not a very fun place, bail is expensive and there are a lot of guys in there that do not take too kindly to wife beaters.

Your family and friends will likely be completely humiliated, especially when your name is ran in the news paper.

Got a job? Sure your boss is going to love hearing why you don't show up to work for a few days. 

Buy a punching bag if you want to hit something. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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