# Found emails between wife and her ex-fiance



## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

I found this forum today while searching the web for situations like mine. Married since 2003, 3 kids. On Thursday night, my wife had her email open on my laptop. She'd closed a document without saving it and I was searching. Since the Excel spreadsheet she lost had originated from an email, I was hoping find a saved copy there. For whatever reason, I snooped through her sent items and found that she had emailed back and forth with her ex-fiance starting about 5 years ago with the most recent being 3 years ago. Apparently, his wife had found out about the messages and sent her a FB message asking her to stop because it was causing issues in their marriage. It was all how've you been, what do you do, etc except several of his messages ended with I miss you or I've been thinking of you. One of his emails even said that they (he and my wife) should have gotten married. Her replies didn't acknowledge his statements nor did she say anything similar. I knew they were FB friends so I snooped on her page there and only found that he sent a happy B-Day message this past year. 

Naturally, I was furious and didn't get any sleep that night. I was actually up until about 4 AM searching computers, phones, and anything else I could think of. I went to work the next day before she was up. I was still very upset when I got home from work on Friday afternoon and she sensed it and said we didn't need to go out of town as planned if I didn't want to. I couldn't hold it, so I asked her how long she's been emailing him. She said "that was years ago" and I corrected her saying 3 and told her about finding the emails. I told her it wouldn't have been a big deal if it's practically anyone but him because I don't see the need for them to ever speak again. Afterall, he's an ex and not a friend. When I asked why she started communicating with him, I got "I don't know". At some point she tried to shift the conversation to me not telling her she's attactive often enough. I went straight with, we're talking about you talking to your ex that I hate and not about our other problems. One of the emails also mentioned something that had happened in July. I brought the laptop into the room and asked her about it with the email open. She said that while visiting her family (500 miles away) that she'd went for ice cream with him to apologize for causing problems. I asked her exactly what happened when they met and she said the met for ice cream and talked for about 20 minutes then went there separate ways. I broke down on the spot and told her that she'd broken my heart. She then asked if I wanted her to leave. I told her that if she doesn't want to be married to me then yes, she should leave but the kids were staying. She says that she's sorry and wants to be with me. She also offered to give me all of her passwords and access to her phone if I wanted, and I plan to take her up on those offers. I also went on FB and found the ex's wife and sent her a message and fowarded the emails I'd found. She had seen all of them except the one about "July". Seeing the other emails is what made her send the message to my wife. As far as I could tell, there has only been the one "Happy Birthday" FB message in terms of contact for the past 3 years. She temp disabled her FB page today on her own without know that I've thoroughly searched through it.

When all was said and done, I told my wife that I had 2 stipulations if she wanted to stay. 1)Cut all ties with her ex forever and 2) Take the kids and walk the other way if we ever see him again while I kicked his a$$. She agreed to both immediately and apologized over and over. Since I've also told her that we need to try marriage counseling. I plan to send sent him a 3 line email (CC'd my wife) saying I knew about them communicating, telling him to lose her contact info, and informing him that I'd be visiting him if he attempted to contact her again. I also plan to have her send a similar email to or maybe even a quick, monitored call to him just to make sure he gets the point that she wants him to not contact her too. Is it necessary to make the NC "official" thru email or phone?

In reading other posts tonight, it sounds like I went close to "by the book" with the demand for NC from my wife and informing his wife as well. What should be my next step? It's kind of unique situation since it appears that the EA ended years ago so I don't have to worry about the withdrawls that were mentioned. He was doing the "fishing" and I probably wouldn't have saw an issue if it was anyone other than him.


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## biola (Dec 28, 2012)

You did good considering the circumstances.If your wife is truly remorseful,I think. You should forgive her but keep your eyes open for any setbacks. You stated earlier that you confronted her she gave the excuse of you not paying enough attention to her.Even though that was a flimsy excuse,it doesn't change the way SHE feels.I would also make sure you guy are fulfilling each others love languages.Good luck in your recovery!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP,

Will you consider cc his wife?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

It doesn't seem to me like she reciprocated in her e-mails back to him anything inappropriate. It reads to me, a bit blown out of proportion if you have no evidence of her cheating. It sounds like her ex was fishing and she didn't bite. HE sounds like a jerk.

I have had exes e-mail me to "catch up" and we did but I was never inappropriate.

I would have done a bit more snooping but I guess I would for now just monitor her actions and go with your gut.

She seems remorseful and your situations seems worthy of a second chance.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

If there is no evidence of any further communication after the July encounter, and you continue to monitor and stay fully aware going forward, it would seem the steps you have taken are good ones.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Gee, do you really need to meet with someone to apologize for "them" saying inappropriate things. 
The truth is when the meeting is planned, it's to see if there's a spark still. 

I guess there was no spark.

The problem is...she looking for a spark.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

JR, fishing for sure, the meet up and the excuse therein is a bit off. What two grown ups have ice cream? Was it there thing they used to do when they went out? Who knows. Every time I hear a BS story like that, I just want to pour a bucket of water on top of their head and tell them to try again. That is what they call a gaslight moment. They are both looking for something, they are bored.

You are right about the counseling, it will help you find the root of the problem and maybe you can attempt to repair it, before the dirty deeds happens. You def did the right thing at the right time. You stopped that BS in its' tracks. I would continue to do the MI-6 routine just for your own peace of mind. Do this for a couple of weeks. Var, keylogger, check cell bill online and so forth. 
IMHO you need to do this, trust but verify. Or else the paranoia and mind movies, will take over and you won't be able to process things in an intelligent manner. Good luck to you


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What kind of phone does she have? Deleted messages can be retrieved from some smart phones.

You need to get the two books linked to below in my signature plus a couple of others incl HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS and THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES.

MMSLP is just for you, get it or download it as quick as possible. The other three are for you both.

Good catch and good luck. This may have brought to light things that can actually save your marriage.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

AngryandUsed said:


> OP,
> 
> Will you consider cc his wife?


Indeed, include his wife as a copy and make sure you reference the visit in July. Your wife's FB should be setup to block him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The worst part about that, for me, is meeting him to "apologize." That was obviously an excuse to see him. Luckily, it didn't go beyond that. 

Continue to monitor.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

JR,

I think MC would be a good idea, I had a stich a lot like yours, I thought I had solved it,
Years later it all blew up again when OW was getting a divorce and stbx had a HC reunion.

My regret now is that I did not drag him to MC earlier,in some odd way I feel 
like it would have held him a bit more accountable.
Unfortunately people will do what ever the heck they want to ultimately you can "make them give up something"
But you can set boundaries, and that's what you have done, and I wish I had done sooner,so good move on your part.

Have a look at my threads if you like one in CWI called "old flame or just friends"
And one in general relationship about "exs old flames as OSF"
Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I wonder if you will ever get the full truth about the July meeting? I mean, maybe you have but when people who clearly have feelings for each other and are familiar with each other get together things can happen. 

I don't like polygraphs, but I might consider one on such a situation. I also might consider calling the OM's wife and telling her you suspect something more than ice cream on just one occasion and see if their stories match.

Or, take her word for it and move forward. 

But then there is the deeper underlying issue of her wishing she had married someone else....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

dogman said:


> Gee, do you really need to meet with someone to apologize for "them" saying inappropriate things.
> The truth is when the meeting is planned, it's to see if there's a spark still.
> 
> I guess there was no spark.
> ...


That's a stretch, isn't it?

I have a friend who, when her ex-boyfriend is back in town (not often, due to his job) will have a coffee with him.

The reason for this is because they were friends from when they met at nursery school and were friends until they fell in love at age 20 and moved in together.

They soon realised that as friends, they were great, but as lovers? It wasn't working.

So they went their separate ways but are now what they always were, and should have remained, just good friends.

And he is good friends with her new chap, so all is good.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Sucks being Plan B, huh?


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> That's a stretch, isn't it?
> 
> I have a friend who, when her ex-boyfriend is back in town (not often, due to his job) will have a coffee with him.
> 
> ...


:scratchhead:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LostViking said:


> :scratchhead:


They sometimes go out for drink and a meal. Boy friend and ex play pool together, sometimes.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> They sometimes go out for drink and a meal. Boy friend and ex play pool together, sometimes.


That's so sweet.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LostViking said:


> That's so sweet.


It is. 

The problem we have here LostViking, is that at TAM's CWI we rarely hear about "My marriage is fantastic." 

We usually only hear about cheaters and how they mess relationships up. 

Our perception is skewed because we have all been skewered, one way or another.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

JR&JR said:


> I told her it wouldn't have been a big deal if it's practically anyone but him because I don't see the need for them to ever speak again. Afterall, he's an ex and not a friend. When I asked why she started communicating with him, I got "I don't know". At some point she tried to shift the conversation to me not telling her she's attactive often enough. I went straight with, *we're talking about you talking to your ex that I hate *and not about our other problems. One of the emails also mentioned something that had happened in July. I brought the laptop into the room and asked her about it with the email open. She said that while visiting her family (500 miles away) that she'd went for ice cream with him to apologize for causing problems. I asked her exactly what happened when they met and she said the met for ice cream and talked for about 20 minutes then went there separate ways. I broke down on the spot and told her that she'd broken my heart.





MattMatt said:


> They sometimes go out for drink and a meal. Boy friend and ex play pool together, sometimes.



Matt, different threads?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

aug said:


> Matt, different threads?


No, same thread. The point I am making is that it is possible for ex partners to remain in contact, *so long as no boundaries are crossed.*


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

JR&JR said:


> found that she had emailed back and forth with her ex-fiance starting about 5 years ago with the most recent being 3 years ago. Apparently, his wife had found out about the messages and sent her a FB message asking her to stop because *it was causing issues in their marriage*. It was all how've you been, what do you do, etc except several of his messages ended with *I miss you* or I've been thinking of you. One of his emails even *said that they (he and my wife) should have gotten married*. Her replies didn't acknowledge his statements nor did she say anything similar. I knew they were FB friends so I snooped on her page there and only found that *he sent a happy B-Day message this past year*. *This suggests more recent contact; it's possible that it's just this one message, but also possible that she responded to it, also sends him messages for B-days, etc.*
> 
> I asked her how long she's been emailing him. She said *"that was years ago"* and I corrected her saying 3 and told her about finding the emails. I told her it wouldn't have been a big deal if it's practically anyone but him because I don't see the need for them to ever speak again. Afterall, he's an ex and not a friend. When I asked why she started communicating with him, I got *"I don't know"*. At some point she *tried to shift the conversation to me not telling her she's attractive often enough*. *That was years ago, I don't know, you don't tell me how attractive I am enough - all straight out of the cheater's handbook - "I had to f... someone else because you don't tell me I'm pretty."*I went straight with, we're talking about you talking to your ex that I hate and not about our other problems. One of the emails also mentioned *something that had happened in July* *This is July from at least three years ago, correct? This is the most hurtful aspect of this to me - that she met up with him and never told you about it, knowing how you feel about this guy. It suggests that she still has an interest in the guy. Also, the lack of other emails mentioning the meet-up suggests that they were communicating via some other method as well; if they met up, they likely were exchanging phone calls or texts about where to meet up. Your wife definitely did not shut this guy's fishing expedition down. By agreeing to meet him, I would say she was encouraging more.*.
> 
> ...


You have done just about everything right. It's troubling that she didn't tell you about communicating and meeting with this guy; if it all was innocent and they were just friends, she would not have hidden it from you. In particular, the fact that his wife contacted your wife and asked your wife to cool it is something that I would have thought your wife would have told you about if it was all innocent - like, "can you believe it, we are just talking about 'how have you been, what are you up to' and she says it's causing problems in their marriage." 

Between that communication from the ex-fiancé's wife asking your wife to cool it, the generally innocuous emails that you did discover between your wife and her ex-fiance, the meet-up for "ice cream" to say "sorry about getting your wife mad," the fact that they still are Facebook friends, and the recent happy birthday message, I feel like there is a huge piece missing from this puzzle. The facts you are aware of don't match up to the story you are being told. When a story doesn't make sense, usually it is a lie.

Unfortunately, your wife has pulled out the old "I don't know" and "that was years ago" lines from the cheater's handbook, so you may never know what really went on. I would guess that it's more than you've been told so far.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If I picked it up correctly you yourself already didn't like the guy before any of this went down, so there is the cause of why she kept it hidden right from the start - she knew you'd blow up and call her out for even the innocent chatting.

That was her choosing her want to talk to him , over loyalty to the marriage.

You got very lucky that the OMW found out and intervened otherwise its very likely there would have been a full on affair.

Thus highlights why it's important to notify to the OMW/OWH when you find stuff like this, if she had notified you 3 years ago you could have taken action on your side too.

Good job on you reaching out to the OMW.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

STUNNINGLY similar situation to me. Mine was march 2 2013. At 758AM. i go to her comp to look at weather and her email was left up. top email is subject " are mareidge". She lied about time in contact. 1 month was at least 5. Then told me " you snooped its none of your business". I told her as mw wife she IS my business. Then 3 days of b!tching at me for every thing under the sun.

They didnt meet tho. Heis 600 miles away.

My trust is shot. It will never be that 100 % implicit trust again and i hate that. I am now james bond an i resent it like hell. I now monitor her time. Sigh. Life sucks without trust.

She emails. I wonder
She goes out. I wonder
She on fb. I wonder

I check up later and she has not yet broken nc. But i just dont trust. Im lucky i guess. No pa... Still.

Welcome to my effing world.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> If I picked it up correctly you yourself already didn't like the guy before any of this went down, so there is the cause of why she kept it hidden right from the start - she knew you'd blow up and call her out for even the innocent chatting.
> 
> That was her choosing her want to talk to him , over loyalty to the marriage.
> 
> ...



Good advice IMHO 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> STUNNINGLY similar situation to me. Mine was march 2 2013. At 758AM. i go to her comp to look at weather and her email was left up. top email is subject " are mareidge". She lied about time in contact. 1 month was at least 5. Then told me " you snooped its none of your business". I told her as mw wife she IS my business. Then 3 days of b!tching at me for every thing under the sun.
> 
> They didnt meet tho. Heis 600 miles away.
> 
> ...


Hey weightlifter,
there are a bunch of us over on my thread that [email protected] hit the fan in march. WTH is with March?

I was in 007 land for very long time, I wish I had been more so WAY SOONER!
Yah 007 land sucks monkey hat big time! I feel for anyone that unfortunately has to be there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> STUNNINGLY similar situation to me. Mine was march 2 2013. At 758AM. i go to her comp to look at weather and her email was left up. top email is subject " are mareidge". She lied about time in contact. 1 month was at least 5. Then told me " you snooped its none of your business". I told her as mw wife she IS my business. Then 3 days of b!tching at me for every thing under the sun.
> 
> They didnt meet tho. Heis 600 miles away.
> 
> ...


Ain't that the truth
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

Openminded said:


> The worst part about that, for me, is meeting him to "apologize." That was obviously an excuse to see him. Luckily, it didn't go beyond that.
> 
> Continue to monitor.


Meeting for the ice cream does not bother me depending on the time and location.

If it was during the day and at a location where his local friends could see him, e.g. the local ice cream shop, I am not worried.

I often meet my ex-bf for coffee/ice cream when I go home. But we always meet in a very public spot.

WWHT


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

How do you know she only had ice cream? why did she not tell you about the contact from his wife before? Something does not seem right.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Since my wife has demonstrated poor boundaries. Should she ask to meet that ex. The answer would be no. She is free to go. There will be divorce papers waiting. 

Fool me once. 
Dis me like that twice. Even the kids wont keep us together.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Since my wife has demonstrated poor boundaries. Should she ask to meet that ex. The answer would be no. She is free to go. There will be divorce papers waiting.
> 
> Fool me once.
> Dis me like that twice. Even the kids wont keep us together.


Not for nothing, but does she know your prowess with surveillance? Has she ever read your posts here? You and I don't live in the same state, but I'd give it a twenty percent chance you got me bugged somehow  .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

JR&JR said:


> I found this forum today while searching the web for situations like mine. Married since 2003, 3 kids. On Thursday night, my wife had her email open on my laptop. She'd closed a document without saving it and I was searching. Since the Excel spreadsheet she lost had originated from an email, I was hoping find a saved copy there. For whatever reason, I snooped through her sent items and found that she had emailed back and forth with her ex-fiance starting about 5 years ago with the most recent being 3 years ago. Apparently, his wife had found out about the messages and sent her a FB message asking her to stop because it was causing issues in their marriage. It was all how've you been, what do you do, etc except several of his messages ended with I miss you or I've been thinking of you. One of his emails even said that they (he and my wife) should have gotten married. Her replies didn't acknowledge his statements nor did she say anything similar. I knew they were FB friends so I snooped on her page there and only found that he sent a happy B-Day message this past year.
> 
> Naturally, I was furious and didn't get any sleep that night. I was actually up until about 4 AM searching computers, phones, and anything else I could think of. I went to work the next day before she was up. I was still very upset when I got home from work on Friday afternoon and she sensed it and said we didn't need to go out of town as planned if I didn't want to. I couldn't hold it, so I asked her how long she's been emailing him. She said "that was years ago" and I corrected her saying 3 and told her about finding the emails. I told her it wouldn't have been a big deal if it's practically anyone but him because I don't see the need for them to ever speak again. Afterall, he's an ex and not a friend. When I asked why she started communicating with him, I got "I don't know". At some point she tried to shift the conversation to me not telling her she's attactive often enough. I went straight with, we're talking about you talking to your ex that I hate and not about our other problems. One of the emails also mentioned something that had happened in July. I brought the laptop into the room and asked her about it with the email open. She said that while visiting her family (500 miles away) that she'd went for ice cream with him to apologize for causing problems. I asked her exactly what happened when they met and she said the met for ice cream and talked for about 20 minutes then went there separate ways. I broke down on the spot and told her that she'd broken my heart. She then asked if I wanted her to leave. I told her that if she doesn't want to be married to me then yes, she should leave but the kids were staying. She says that she's sorry and wants to be with me. She also offered to give me all of her passwords and access to her phone if I wanted, and I plan to take her up on those offers. I also went on FB and found the ex's wife and sent her a message and fowarded the emails I'd found. She had seen all of them except the one about "July". Seeing the other emails is what made her send the message to my wife. As far as I could tell, there has only been the one "Happy Birthday" FB message in terms of contact for the past 3 years. She temp disabled her FB page today on her own without know that I've thoroughly searched through it.
> 
> ...


I thought you were going off the deep end until the ice cream shop.....

WOAH......

Way out of line, in fact, I would have to insist on a polly after that little tidbit....JUST WAY OUT OF LINE.....

Getting together poses just too much chance of *getting together*....

We met up means we made out
We just kissed means we had sex
We just did it one time means 10 times or more
We just did oral means we had full unprotected sex and perhaps anal...

What is the translation for we just had ice cream?

She knows you hate the creep, and was still willing to meet up....

There is an ex in my wife's background, and I really hate his guts....I know how I would feel.....

A really p!ssed off 
woodchuck


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

My wife has no idea how good i am and it needs to stay that way. My iq is 140 hers about 110. Im technical she isnt. 

Still she can fool me in the short term or by low tech methods.

BS do i have a reason to bug you??


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> My wife has no idea how good i am and it needs to stay that way. My iq is 140 hers about 110. Im technical she isnt.
> 
> Still she can fool me in the short term or by low tech methods.
> 
> BS do i have a reason to bug you??


Haha...trust. But verify.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

whowouldhavethought said:


> Meeting for the ice cream does not bother me depending on the time and location.
> 
> If it was during the day and at a location where his local friends could see him, e.g. the local ice cream shop, I am not worried.
> 
> ...


But two things here bother me... it's the fact they have had the history together- the EA with "I miss you" lines... and the fact she never told him about the alleged ice cream meeting. I have learned that first the little truth comes out to test the waters, then more, then more... trickle, trickle, trickle....

The second thing is that she never told him. If either my wife or I spend tome with a member of the opposite sex or get a FB message... we ALWAYS tell the other immediately. We just do. Why? Out of love and respect.

She didn't.


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

AngryandUsed said:


> OP,
> 
> Will you consider cc his wife?


I don't have her email anymore (deleted it after forwarding the emails) but did send her message through FB telling her that I was sending the email to him and also that she should expect my wife to email or call him tomorrow to tell him to quit contacting her.


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> What kind of phone does she have? Deleted messages can be retrieved from some smart phones.
> 
> It's a Droid. I don't think he texted her because one of his emails asks if her and I shared a cell phone. His email said that the text he sent only referred to a basketball game because he didn't want to ruffle any feathers.
> 
> ...


I hope so and thanks.


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> I wonder if you will ever get the full truth about the July meeting? I mean, maybe you have but when people who clearly have feelings for each other and are familiar with each other get together things can happen.
> 
> I don't like polygraphs, but I might consider one on such a situation. I also might consider calling the OM's wife and telling her you suspect something more than ice cream on just one occasion and see if their stories match.
> 
> ...


I'll probably get posts saying that I'm being naive and the like, but I believe her when she said it was just ice cream. As for her reason for meeting, it's BS and I'm hoping that the truth will come out in MC. I actually got his wife on FB messenger on Friday while confronting my wife. She was aware of the emails but it didn't sound like she was aware that they met.


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> That's a stretch, isn't it?
> 
> I have a friend who, when her ex-boyfriend is back in town (not often, due to his job) will have a coffee with him.
> 
> ...


Totally different situation. She and I dated for 3 years in college then broke up. She may have known him for a few months before they started dating. She called off the wedding a few months before it was supposed to happen. Her and I got back together about 3-4 years later and eventually got married.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Oops missed the answer, entirely different situation.


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> You have done just about everything right. It's troubling that she didn't tell you about communicating and meeting with this guy; if it all was innocent and they were just friends, she would not have hidden it from you. In particular, the fact that his wife contacted your wife and asked your wife to cool it is something that I would have thought your wife would have told you about if it was all innocent - like, "can you believe it, we are just talking about 'how have you been, what are you up to' and she says it's causing problems in their marriage."
> 
> Between that communication from the ex-fiancé's wife asking your wife to cool it, the generally innocuous emails that you did discover between your wife and her ex-fiance, the meet-up for "ice cream" to say "sorry about getting your wife mad," the fact that they still are Facebook friends, and the recent happy birthday message, I feel like there is a huge piece missing from this puzzle. The facts you are aware of don't match up to the story you are being told. When a story doesn't make sense, usually it is a lie.
> 
> Unfortunately, your wife has pulled out the old "I don't know" and "that was years ago" lines from the cheater's handbook, so you may never know what really went on. I would guess that it's more than you've been told so far.


I wasn't sure what to think about her disabling her FB page. One thing that I've noticed on the forum is that pretty much all of the members are either cheaters or have been cheated on so I really believe that some views are biased. My first thought that is was her way of trying to show me that she is trying. 

She hid it from me because she new that I would not condone it under any circumstances. If she doesn't ask, I can't say no. The real question that I want her to anser is why.


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> STUNNINGLY similar situation to me. Mine was march 2 2013. At 758AM. i go to her comp to look at weather and her email was left up. top email is subject " are mareidge". She lied about time in contact. 1 month was at least 5. Then told me " you snooped its none of your business". I told her as mw wife she IS my business. Then 3 days of b!tching at me for every thing under the sun.
> 
> They didnt meet tho. Heis 600 miles away.
> 
> ...


Oddly enough, it's a little reassuring to know that someone else has been walking in my shoes. I read other posts before putting mine up and wondered how you knew so much about VAR's, keyloggers and the like.


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

whowouldhavethought said:


> Meeting for the ice cream does not bother me depending on the time and location.
> 
> If it was during the day and at a location where his local friends could see him, e.g. the local ice cream shop, I am not worried.
> 
> ...


It was the local shop and during work hours (his email said something like "in July I was at work, as we both know". Do you also forget to tell your significant other about it? Does your ex-bf tell you that you should have gotten married and that he misses you? I'm not doubting my wife's intentions, but she put herself in a bad situation when his intentions/feelings are fairly obvious.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> No, same thread. The point I am making is that it is possible for ex partners to remain in contact, *so long as no boundaries are crossed.*


 The point that the OP was making was that it was done in secret behind his back, with someone that was not a friend of the OP or the marraige. It is also a totally different situation as the OP's other man (OM) was an ex-fiance that had primarily an ex-lover relationship with the OP's wife, and they were not primarily just friends. Many married couples have boundaries against having any opposite sex friends (OSF). Even those that do have boundaries that allow for OSF, ban former lovers and require full transparency when they do have contact with OSF. The OP's wife crossed all of these boundaries.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TRy said:


> The point that the OP was making was that it was done in secret behind his back, with someone that was not a friend of the OP or the marraige. It is also a totally different situation as the OP's other man (OM) was an ex-fiance that had primarily an ex-lover relationship with the OP's wife, and they were not primarily just friends. Many married couples have boundaries against having any opposite sex friends (OSF). Even those that do have boundaries that allow for OSF, ban former lovers and require full transparency when they do have contact with OSF. The OP's wife crossed all of these boundaries.


It certainly looks like she did.


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> I thought you were going off the deep end until the ice cream shop.....
> 
> WOAH......
> 
> ...


From the email and what she told me, it was actually ice cream and during work hours. Was the goodbye a waive, hug or a kiss, I'll probably never know. My biggest issue with all of this is the who instead of the what. It was likely innocent enough. If I'm right, it was only because my wife didn't reciprocate his feelings/advances. Still, she should have never put herself in that position given the circumstancces.


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

First, I'd like to thank everyone for the posts. It's not really something that I want to discuss with people, so you given me the opportunity to vent. The advice is also greatly appreciated, no matter how jaded/tough love it is. I logged back in today hoping for a single response only to find pages of them. I must admit that several of you are very astute thinking that there may be more to the story than what I posted. So here is the rest (or beginning) of the story...

When she and I broke up in college, she started dating the OM after a few months. The problem was that she kept in contact with me (nothing physical at all, not even a hug). When they got engaged, I told her than I would continue to be her friend until the wedding day. I said that once that day came, I would mourn like she had died because she would be dead to me as it would be too difficult for me to see her as Mrs X. At some point in the next few months she called off the engagement. I didn't know until I asked her what date it was going to happen knowing it was only weeks away and she responded by saying that it wasn't going to happen at all. I don't know if she started dating someone else immediately (she eventually did) but do know that it wasn't me. The issue was that the OM and his friends harassed me weekly saying I was responsible for breaking them up and that went on for about a year. My personal opinion was that they'd dated for about 4 months before the proposal came and the "new love" wore off before the wedding day. Harrassing wasn't that difficult for them since we were all at the same college and they knew where I hung out. She had a child (not mine or the OMs) shortly before I graduated. Once I graduated, I moved completely out of state, mainly to get away from her, him, and the drama as I was confident that it wouldn't stop. I wanted to start completely over. After about 2 years, she and I got back into contact. We dated for a while then she moved to be with me and we were married after a couple of years. Another interesting tidbit is that he (OM) became good friends with my wife's brother while he was dating my wife. I believe that he and the brother are still in contact but that's infrequent.

Now I have a few more questions. Should I tell any of her family? They live all over the country and she travels frequently to visit them. Her mother's side of the family lives in close proximity to the OM's and she is planning to spend time with her mother visiting that side family this summer. Now that the trust isn't strong, it'd make me feel more at ease if there was someone with her who is aware of the situation. I also want them to know that phone calls or visits from him are not acceptable. 

As an update, I spoke to her briefly about it last night. I've written her a letter expressing how her actions have made me feel and told her that I was writing it. Should I give it to her? I also told her that I realize that she probably is ready to be finished talking about it but the conversation can't be finished until I'm ready to be done. She says she understood and didn't make any objections. 

She is remorseful for talking to him behind my back and has apologized several times. She's also agreed to total transparency with email/phone/anything else I want. Of course I'm not a dummy and realize how easy it is to create an email account. My NC email/warning is getting sent to the OM tonight. Her letter will be put in the mail on Tuesday. Other than trust but verify, is there another step to take?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I want to let you know that i think you handled this brilliantly, however you must remain vigilant and focused because your wife can backslide. She needs to know that one more contact could end the marriage. Here are just some random thoughts on your situation, which was similar to mine a few years ago.

I would ask your wife to tell her family about what happened, in front of you. This way if she is with them when you are not around, they can keep an eye on things; especially your BIL.

She can't go anywhere near where the EX may be, unless your with her. It's the price she has to pay for her behavior. 

Get a keylogger for the computer and spyware for the phone.

Stay strong.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Hmm. Given the circumstances, I would let MIL and her family aware having another set of eyes on her can't hurt plus she has to own this hence consequences. You are doing well so far.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I would tell her mother about her getting together with the OK and lying to you about it and the FB stuff. Tell her your wife has promised you she will stay away from him but you cannot guarantee the OM won't be trying to get with her. She may help you or she may consider it a problem between just the two of you. 

But I think a better idea is a mini VAR (like this: Mini Clip Voice Activated Recorder (72hr Battery) ) in the bottom of her purse and see if it picks anything up. Also, a nice one in her car under the seat...

Look to place spyware on her phone...

If she is a good girl, then I think the episode is over. If not...

When done with them, sell on CL.


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

I just sent the NC email to her EX and BCC'd my wife. Only a few lines - I'm aware of the contact, It's not OK, No more contact ever, If you do, I will make a visit to you. It felt good to hit the send button, like a little weight was lifted off my shoulders. I also went into her email and blocked his address. She will write her NC letter tomorrow. I don't want her NC demand to be an email so that he knows without a doubt that it's coming from her. 

@The Middleman & Tom67- Thanks for the encouragement. Nice to know that you think I'm on the right track. At the very least, I'll make her tell her siblings and mother as they are the ones that she travels to see and may meet her in the home state. I've started my letter and will be sure to add the consequence of any future contact (good idea to be crystal clear about the outcomes).

@thatbpguy-I really do believe that she's a good girl who was being naive and selfish. If contact is made, it will be initiated by him. I believe that my MIL will help maintain NC.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP so your wife values her ex lovers feelings more than yours and more than your marriage. That is why she met up with him to apologize with "Ice cream". 

Did OMs wife know about the "ice cream" date? 

Where were the kids when this happened? 

Did you see emails arranging the ice cream date? If not then. There are some communications you are missing. Surely they didn't meet there by chance. 

You may have all of the story. Then again maybe not. 

If it really did end how your wife claims. It is only because of the intervention of OM's wife 
Your wife knew she was doing wrong that is why she hid it from you. 

Cheaters lie, it is a part of the lifestyle choice they make and your wife was planning to never tell you. She also had it justified in her mind which means she has given it plenty of thought 

My point is not to claim that you do not know the whole story just that you can't be sure at this point because you are basing much of your information on your wife's story. Stay vigilant and pay attention to her actions a key logger and var may be a good idea especially early as she may be talking to someone about your discovery. 
Good luck
WD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Your wife comes across as needy and very naive. She did not reciprocate his statements of affection towards her, but she did nothing to assuage him from continuing to feed her all those compliments and sweet-talk. She was being emotionally fed by him. She enjoyed the attention. 

As for meeting him for ice cream, I do not think she realises that this is how affairs start. She may have thought it was an innocent meeting, while everyone here sees it for the slippery slope it was. 

Yes your wife seems very naive and somewhat immature, or, she is very conniving. I guess you will have to decide which.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

JR&JR said:


> @The Middleman & Tom67- Thanks for the encouragement. Nice to know that you think I'm on the right track. At the very least, I'll make her tell her siblings and mother as they are the ones that she travels to see and may meet her in the home state. I've started my letter and will be sure to add the consequence of any future contact (good idea to be crystal clear about the outcomes).


You must not only make clear the consequences but you must have the resolve to carry through with your promises (not threats) if she has another transgression. I can tell you there are posters here who have said that the marriage would be over if there was a DDay2 and they never followed through with their promises (or on DDay3 or on DDay4 for that matter). The result was the cheaters getting away scott free for their crime and the BS suffering a great deal of pain over allowing themselves to be taken advantage of (doormat syndrome); you can feel the pain in their postings. Don't let that happen to you.

Having your wife expose what happened to her family is the best thing you can do right now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So they chatted for 2 years behind your back, and met up at least once. And it went on until the OMW confronted them.

The focus here needs to be on her choice to lie to you for 2 years about a guy who obviously was fishing for a possible affair.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I think you and your wife are doing this fairly well. I would suggest this for the future. That you share FB. My wife used hers for all the wrong reasons and I do believe if we had a shared one her A's would not have happened. 

I would ask her straight out if she has feelings for this guy. But your wife needs to feel safe when you ask. If she feels you are going to blast her and you may not ever get the truth either way.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

JR&JR said:


> First, I'd like to thank everyone for the posts. It's not really something that I want to discuss with people, so you given me the opportunity to vent. The advice is also greatly appreciated, no matter how jaded/tough love it is. I logged back in today hoping for a single response only to find pages of them. I must admit that several of you are very astute thinking that there may be more to the story than what I posted. So here is the rest (or beginning) of the story...
> 
> When she and I broke up in college, she started dating the OM after a few months. The problem was that she kept in contact with me (nothing physical at all, not even a hug). When they got engaged, I told her than I would continue to be her friend until the wedding day. I said that once that day came, I would mourn like she had died because she would be dead to me as it would be too difficult for me to see her as Mrs X. At some point in the next few months she called off the engagement. I didn't know until I asked her what date it was going to happen knowing it was only weeks away and she responded by saying that it wasn't going to happen at all. I don't know if she started dating someone else immediately (she eventually did) but do know that it wasn't me. The issue was that the OM and his friends harassed me weekly saying I was responsible for breaking them up and that went on for about a year. My personal opinion was that they'd dated for about 4 months before the proposal came and the "new love" wore off before the wedding day. Harrassing wasn't that difficult for them since we were all at the same college and they knew where I hung out. She had a child (not mine or the OMs) shortly before I graduated. Once I graduated, I moved completely out of state, mainly to get away from her, him, and the drama as I was confident that it wouldn't stop. I wanted to start completely over. After about 2 years, she and I got back into contact. We dated for a while then she moved to be with me and we were married after a couple of years. Another interesting tidbit is that he (OM) became good friends with my wife's brother while he was dating my wife. I believe that he and the brother are still in contact but that's infrequent.
> 
> ...


Dear JR&JR,

First, let me say that you have handled this very well and, by TAM/CWI standards, extremely well.

As to your questions:

- By all means, tell her family. This not only gives her a consequence for her action (which reinforces the boundaries you have set), it means a few other pair of eyes watching her behavior.

- I would not give her the letter for two reasons. First, to me, it makes you look somewhat weak and, as her husband, she needs to see you as strong and assertive. Anything that comes off as pleading or emotional will lower her estimation of you as a man. Second, if she is being truthful about the extent of her relationship with the OM (something that only you can decide), you don't want to overdo things thereby causing her to become defensive and uncommunicative.

- As to whether there are other steps you should take, other than monitoring her communications and behavior, I would say "no" as far as her contact with the OM goes but "yes" with regard to the health of your marriage. For starters, you should read _"Married Man Sex Life Primer"_ by Athol Kay. It explains how a man needs to behave in order to attract and keep the interest of a woman. By following his advice, you will improve your sense of self-worth and raise your wife's respect and admiration for you, thereby improving your marriage.

Basically, assuming you have gotten the full truth, you should now take the opportunity to strengthen your marriage. You do this by being a strong, supportive husband and by expecting your wife to be a faithful, loving partner. MC may help but you have to have a good counselor, one who appreciates the importance of fidelity to the health of a marriage. There are many who don't.

I hope that this is of some help to you.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> No, same thread. The point I am making is that it is possible for ex partners to remain in contact, *so long as no boundaries are crossed.*


MattMatt,

I would respectfully suggest, that a spouse's contact with an ex, *IS* crossing a boundary. A boundary that if crossed, increases the odds of infidelity.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

JR&JR said:


> It was the local shop and during work hours (*his email said something like "in July I was at work, as we both know"*. Do you also forget to tell your significant other about it? Does your ex-bf tell you that you should have gotten married and that he misses you? I'm not doubting my wife's intentions, but she put herself in a bad situation when his intentions/feelings are fairly obvious.


The way you formulate this is bothering me.

The 'as we both know' is very strange to say. Because that would be obvious to the both of them.


My first impression was that it was written in the email for a third party to read. 

My second impression is that I don't understand why one would talk like that. Maybe it an unconscious wording by you.

Also that someone mentioned that the making of the appointment had been done by phone or another email account or chatting online, is a point that I woud like to see adressed.

I don't say there is more to the story on basis of the facts untill now, but these points could use an explanation.

Then there is the fact that she went to have an ice cream with him....I believe she has feelings for him. Women know exactly what meeting them like this does for a man. It gives them hope.

The best explanation for her is that she was naive about it, and he lured her into a last conversation to say goodbye. 
I see not good explanation for his intentions...


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

badmemory said:


> MattMatt,
> 
> I would respectfully suggest, that a spouse's contact with an ex, *IS* crossing a boundary. A boundary that if crossed, increases the odds of infidelity.


Contact with Ex's are forbidden in our marriage.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I will only say one thing. It's that it should matter even if it isn't her ex. You probably know that but just figured i put in my two cents and tell you good job.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I would keylog the computer if I were you. alternate email accounts


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

I'm a little unclear on what the OP is being advised to do by the board. I do NOT believe he should accept his wife's account of what happened when she met up with the ex. He has reason to distrust her. 
Is the idea that checking phone records, planting VARs etc. might give him more info on what happened between them that day? Ultimately he should ask her to polygraph, if other intel. collection fails to shed light. he should be concerned about the future but remain so about the past.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think this is "trust but verify" territory...


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> I think you and your wife are doing this fairly well. I would suggest this for the future. That you share FB. My wife used hers for all the wrong reasons and I do believe if we had a shared one her A's would not have happened.
> 
> I would ask her straight out if she has feelings for this guy. But your wife needs to feel safe when you ask. If she feels you are going to blast her and you may not ever get the truth either way.


I offered the shared FB account on Sat night after I saw that she disabled hers. She perked up at the idea. I'm looking forward to it as well as FB can be the devils advocate for anyone.


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

workindad said:


> OP so your wife values her ex lovers feelings more than yours and more than your marriage. That is why she met up with him to apologize with "Ice cream".
> 
> Did OMs wife know about the "ice cream" date?
> 
> ...


When I messaged the OMW and specifically mentioned the ice cream date, it didn't sound like she was aware of it. She did know of the emails though. I feel the best chance of hearing why she did it is when we go to MC. 

I agree, she was never planning to tell me. After saying nothing for 3 years, there's no doubt about it. Near as I can tell from the snooping through email, FB, and her phone that I did the night I saw the emails, the only contact was him messaging her "Happy B-Day" on her birthday last year. 

Never really thought about her talking to someone about it. I had it in my head that she would try to be as quiet as possible about it but you have a very valid point.


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

carmen ohio said:


> Dear JR&JR,
> 
> First, let me say that you have handled this very well and, by TAM/CWI standards, extremely well.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the words of support and advice. I really appreciate it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LostViking said:


> That's so sweet.


By coincidence he actually turned up at the office, today. Had a brief chat with her, picked up the print job for his wedding and went away. Next time we see him, he'll be a married man.


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> What kind of phone does she have? Deleted messages can be retrieved from some smart phones.
> 
> You need to get the two books linked to below in my signature plus a couple of others incl HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS and THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES.
> 
> ...


Her phone is a Droid. Problem is that it's only 2 years old and the most recent emails was 3 years ago. If you can tell me how to retrieve the deleted messages it would at least let me know if they've been in contact more recently. Please give me the instructions. Thanks.


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> The way you formulate this is bothering me.
> 
> The 'as we both know' is very strange to say. Because that would be obvious to the both of them.
> 
> ...


Ok. Here is the email in it's entirety. My only editing was replacing names. Start reading at the bottom and work your way up. I opened this email for her during confrontation and asked what "July" was about. That when she said that she met him for ice cream and to apologize. I honestly don't doubt that they met in a public place, likely even had ice cream, but her reasoning is obviously BS.

From OM:
Well, actually OMW's name is causing us alot of pains....The only place I was in July was at work, as you know. We should have gotten married little missy, then we would only have our own problems to deal with. So until the day she can handle it, you will just be J-Word. I am quite confident that if we didnt have "his sons name", we wouldnt be married. I love her but she drives me nuts. Things are great 80% of the time, but the insecurity issues drive me MAD. So we will both work on it and be happy. She asked me the other day why I was even married to her if she drives me crazy so much. As a good husband I blew it off. This was the night after she saw you were on my Facebook. So, I dont even use Facebook anymore. I was on it a total of one week. 
I miss you. --- 

On Wed, 9/24/08, My Wife wrote:
From: My Wife
Subject: Your Wife
To: OM
Date: Wednesday, September 24, 2008, 4:51 PM


Your wonderful wife sent me the following message on Facebook:


FB Message from OMW
Add as Friend
Today at 4:17pm

I asked you to please leave OM alone. Please respect my wishes. You are causing the two of us alot of pain. Thank you.....

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I responded with the following:

My Wife:
Today at 4:46pm
Are you serious? Because I sent him a message on Facebook? You have security issues...however, your wish is my command.


I hope that wasn't too mean, but whatever.
Perhaps it's better that she doesn't know where you were back in July...I don't want to cause anymore problems, so I will wait for you to contact me. Good Luck!


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

JR&JR said:


> FB Message from OMW
> Add as Friend
> Today at 4:17pm
> 
> ...


Really? Your wife is one disrespectful piece of work!

I'll say again to you what I said before. Watch her closely, I don't think this is over. And boy does she seem to have an attitude!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

In the email she doesn't mention the ice cream shop and implies that wherever they were his wife would really be upset. 
And why did he even say the only place he was in July was at work?

When you read the emails does the continuity make sense or does it feel like some have been deleted. 

How did you recover emails that old?


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> Really? Your wife is one disrespectful piece of work!
> 
> I'll say again to you what I said before. Watch her closely, I don't think this is over. And boy does she seem to have an attitude!


The odd thing is that she's not like that but I did tell her exactly how gross I thought she sounded.

When "talking" tonight I got the real shock. I asked her if our kids were with her and she said no (a relief). Then I asked if her mother new (because that's who she would have been travelling with). I got silence then "It's not like I asked her permission." After some back and forth, it came out that her mother new she was going to me the EX! WTF??? I was blown away! I couldn't believe that her mother would condone such a meeting. I'm totally baffled and have added another to my "don't trust" list. My own MIL!!!!! It just keeps getting deeper and deeper.

I also informed her that she needed to tell her family about the emails and meeting, which went over about as expected. She wanted to know what good it would do since she already felt like a worthless POS and I told her that was good because she acted like one when she went to meet him. I told her that her family needs to know that she and the OM can have zero contact and the reason that it's important (her marriage). Her sister and sister's husband happen to be visiting for the next two days. I told her that she needs to tell her sister tomorrow while I'm there. She doesn't know but I already told the sister's husband tonight so that he wouldn't be in total shock when it comes out.


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> In the email she doesn't mention the ice cream shop and implies that wherever they were his wife would really be upset.
> And why did he even say the only place he was in July was at work?
> 
> When you read the emails does the continuity make sense or does it feel like some have been deleted.
> ...


It's a little hard to follow without the icons and different colors. The middle was the initiation email. My wife cut and pasted the OMW's FB message and also her catty FB reply. The bottom was part of the original message and that's where she says something about July. The top was the OM's reply to the email. The ice cream shop was her answer when I questioned about what happened in July. I assume he mentioned it because it was during the work day and he told his wife that he was at work. Like I told MM, just found out tonight that my MIL knew where she was going and never said a word...

I found the email in her Sent items folder (she never deleted anything). That's why I'm very confident that it wasn't tampered with. Would be much easier and make more sense to just delete it if you knew it was there.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

She deleted all his messages from the inbox but wasn't savvy enough to think of the sent folder?

You said they emailed back and forth for two years before it ended three years ago? What was the content of the other emails?


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

So the OMW was the "Crazy one" with insecurity issues. Interesting how your wife made her out to be the villain using the info (bull$h!t) the OM said about her.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

It is scary but this sounds like you have hacked my wife's email and FB accounts. 3 years ago, my wife met her ex for ice cream. It took a while to come out but I found that her mother, best friend, the OM's sister and her husband, and several others all new about the meeting, and the ones that followed. She had told enough about how bad she was being treated and the bad treatment he was getting and everyone supported her decisions and actions. I asked about why she didn't take the kids, as they like ice cream and eventually it came out that she didn't want them there as he licked his cone. 

I hate to say it, but I am not getting a good feeling about your situation. I hope it is nothing more than you described, but from my experience it was not the innocent meeting she described. 

Ask her why she didn't want the kids there and felt the need to leave them with others and hide the meeting if it was nothing but an innocently planned meeting as she described? 

I will tell you for me, the worst part was finding that others I had trusted and believed in actually felt nothing for me and were more than willing to watch the kids and support her in her decisions to stray from me and our marriage, all the while looking me in the face and trying to tell me everything was fine and guide me in how to raise my children. How can one think that people that have such distorted values of self worth and the value of family and marriage can judge others actions with such discontent while supporting ill behavior?

I hope your situation turns out better than mine, but don't be surprised if it avalanches. When you find out the one's that the WS looked to for assistance and guidance were nothing more than enablers and cheerleaders, it becomes easier to see how the WS made the decisions they did (I actually felt that the so called friends and supporters of the marriage were actually cheering her on and living vicariously through her, as they didn't have the guts to do such things so they encouraged her to experience the thrill themselves.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

So the "ice cream" date could have been in a private hotel room for all you know. 

Cheaters are generally not truthful. There is a high likelihood that you are getting TT. 

Contact his wife and see what details she may have now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> She deleted all his messages from the inbox but wasn't savvy enough to think of the sent folder?
> 
> You said they emailed back and forth for two years before it ended three years ago? What was the content of the other emails?


Pretty bland. How's life, mine's good, etc. However, I've messaged the OMW today and she has emails that I didn't see. She says it's a very different tone. She had printed them and said she will send me copies. She's looking for them right now.

FML...


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

workindad said:


> So the "ice cream" date could have been in a private hotel room for all you know.
> 
> Cheaters are generally not truthful. There is a high likelihood that you are getting TT.
> 
> ...


I did and she says he's telling the same story.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

JR&JR said:


> Pretty bland. How's life, mine's good, etc. However, I've messaged the OMW today and she has emails that I didn't see. She says it's a very different tone. She had printed them and said she will send me copies. She's looking for them right now.
> 
> FML...


This is not good. Let us know before you confront her. The TAM people have a highly sensitized nose for BS.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

JR&JR said:


> Pretty bland. How's life, mine's good, etc. However, I've messaged the OMW today and she has emails that I didn't see. She says it's a very different tone. She had printed them and said she will send me copies. She's looking for them right now.
> 
> FML...


Sorry you are enduring this. I had the same thing with my wife. The OM thought he was slick as he was in IT Security and challenged me to find out the truth on a call with his wife. Well I am in IT and rose to the challenge. What I found is he had other affairs and had tried to cover his tracks by going into my wife's accounts and cleansing them of the dirt, just like he did his accounts. I found it all and forwarded to his wife. They are divorced and his kids despise him, just as he despises me. Well what comes around goes around, just don't challenge people when you don't know what they are capable of. He messed with the wrong person. It also affected his job as well.

I would like to say that it all helps to ease the pain and make things better but it hasn't so far in my instance. Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

JR&JR said:


> Pretty bland. How's life, mine's good, etc. However, I've messaged the OMW today and she has emails that I didn't see. She says it's a very different tone. She had printed them and said she will send me copies. She's looking for them right now.
> 
> FML...


Yeeeaaahhhh .... as I said, this wasn't over. Your wife TTed you but good.

As far as your MIL goes. You need to get her on the phone or go see her and sit down with her and ask her how she could help her daughter be "unfaithful" to you with a clear conscience. You should express your disappointment in no uncertain terms.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

JR&JR said:


> Pretty bland. How's life, mine's good, etc. However, I've messaged the OMW today and she has emails that I didn't see. She says it's a very different tone. She had printed them and said she will send me copies. She's looking for them right now.
> 
> FML...


Sorry, but I think you knew it had to be this way. Based on the content of the emails you posted about, the other man's wife never would have been as upset as she was and been as aggressive in telling your wife to back off. There had to be a reason other man's wife was so upset.

Best case, it's the other man saying all the stuff with "tone" and your wife just responding with bland stuff, which is bad enough that she didn't shut him down. Worst case, you find your wife had a different email account for the nasty stuff that she sent.

Hopefully, it's not as bad as it sounds.

On the emails you did find in your wife's sent folder, was the other man's half of the email there, too?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Shes deleting. Find out how to undelete fast.

Sqeakr. Dude you are epic!


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Shes deleting. Find out how to undelete fast.
> 
> Sqeakr. Dude you are epic!


Thanks for the support. I just wish I wasn't here and had to resort to such means. I would much more prefer to not have to resort to such means and have the happy and healthy marriage I thought I had and not have the marriage that she thought we have (which we now do to her actions).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Sorry, but I think you knew it had to be this way. Based on the content of the emails you posted about, the other man's wife never would have been as upset as she was and been as aggressive in telling your wife to back off. There had to be a reason other man's wife was so upset.
> 
> Best case, it's the other man saying all the stuff with "tone" and your wife just responding with bland stuff, which is bad enough that she didn't shut him down. Worst case, you find your wife had a different email account for the nasty stuff that she sent.
> 
> ...


Yes. Both sides of the email chain was there.


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

I actually chatted with the OMW for about an hour tonight on FB. About an hour after we finished chatting she sent me another message. 

"For the record, I don't think your wife is a bad person (even though she was rude to me on the phone). I think my husband was the instigator in this mess."

I can't say much other than that was unexpected. I actually showed that one to my wife and told her she owes the OMW and big thank you.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

I think this would be a good opportunity for you to demand a polygraph. She won't refuse or get all pissed and defensive if she has nothing to hide.


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

OK all, enough about the EA for now as I need some help on "me". I feel almost bipolar now. I really do love my wife. I go from giving her a hug to walking out of the house so pissed that I can hardly talk an hour later with nothing happening other than TV watching in between. I want to save my marriage but have a hard time being in the room with her too. All that I want to talk about with her is what happened but it just gets me worked up just thinking about it. She is walking on eggshells when I'm home but also acts like she did before I found out at times. Is there something wrong with me??? I did call to get an appointment for MC today. They're supposed to call me back tomorrow with a day and time. I don't get hungry, have gotten a max of 6 hrs of sleep in a night since Thursday (3 hrs last night and 2 on Sunday) but I feel wired. I'm starting to wonder which will break down first, my mind or my body...

FML


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

The lack of sleep maybe caused by your unconscious brain. Telling you to take action on points it has questions about

So if you have done all you could do, it will let you sleep again.

At least that is how I hope it works.

I have some lack of sleep too....


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Please take care of yourself. Go to see your doctor Your doctor can help with some sleeping meds if needed for a few days. 

Make sure you take time to eat well and get some excer use also. You must take care of yourself it really does help. 

There is a part of this that still does not add up to me...

WD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

JR&JR said:


> OK all, enough about the EA for now as I need some help on "me". I feel almost bipolar now. I really do love my wife. I go from giving her a hug to walking out of the house so pissed that I can hardly talk an hour later with nothing happening other than TV watching in between. I want to save my marriage but have a hard time being in the room with her too. All that I want to talk about with her is what happened but it just gets me worked up just thinking about it. She is walking on eggshells when I'm home but also acts like she did before I found out at times. Is there something wrong with me??? I did call to get an appointment for MC today. They're supposed to call me back tomorrow with a day and time. I don't get hungry, have gotten a max of 6 hrs of sleep in a night since Thursday (3 hrs last night and 2 on Sunday) but I feel wired. I'm starting to wonder which will break down first, my mind or my body...
> 
> FML


Everything you are feeling, doing, and reacting is the norm for the situation. It is harrowing to go through sleep deprivation, appetite loss, and other side effects. Just know that they will pass. If it becomes to much of an annoyance and concern, then by all means make an appointment and see your physician. They can prescribe something for the sleep and anxiety, and once those are gone then the appetite and hopefully some normalcy in your health care will return to your life. Your system is dealing with the shock. What you are going through has no comparison to anything you have ever gone through before. Others on here have testified that loss of child, loved one, job, eviction, and all of the bad things in life are nothing compared to the pain from this type of betrayal. I have been to war, ostracized by family and friends, and lost loved ones and jobs and they all paled in comparison ( I just wish the wife would try to see the pain she has caused, yet she doesn't seem to care and still is in the all about her phase).

Stay strong and it will get better.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The best things you can do is see your MD, unfortunately they see this a lot. Exercise ,wrk out, weight moving is best for the physical and mental high/boost. An IC with infidelity and ptsd experience is a great help. Do not discount any of these. They are tried and true.

Get the two books listed below, you won't believe how good they are.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The best things you can do is see your MD, unfortunately they see this a lot. Exercise ,wrk out, weight moving is best for the physical and mental high/boost. An IC with infidelity and ptsd experience is a great help. Do not discount any of these. They are tried and true.

Get the two books listed below, you won't believe how good they are.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Did the emails from OMW make the EA worse or better? If so by how much?

MORE than ice cream? etc


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Just wait until you weigh yourself, you'll find you'll drop about 10lbs in a week like this.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OP, you now have the evidence; and it doesn't look like their communication will continue with the increased vigilance from both sides. However, you shouldn't assume that. Take the reasonable precautions recommended here to monitor her for the time being.

So, what does the evidence suggest? As I see it, it was the beginning stages of an EA and it very possibly could have developed much further; to a PA or even and exit affair. But it didn't. Most likely because it didn't have a chance to; due to the OW's scrutiny and your wife's intermittent guilt.

Your wife needs to demonstrate remorse and accept full accountability for her actions. Don't allow her to rug sweep. And you need to get answers from her on the why's. Either directly from her or in MC.

You have a good chance for R if your wife is open, honest and willing to do the heavy lifting required.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I am not a WS, I am a BS. I am a female.

I have had a very lonely marriage and I have had a few opportunities to cheat and never even gave it a thought. 

I would have and still would meet an old boyfriend without telling my husband.

If I was emailing an EX, I would not stop if my husband asked me to. If I had to set up another email account, I would.

I might have cheated with a SINGLE ex boyfriend, I don't know. i know I would not cheat with a MARRIED ex. I am not a saint, it's the sloppy seconds thing that grosses me out so it's just not for me.

If I was crazy in love with my husband, I would tell him EVERYTHING and I would have no reason to keep in touch with an EX. I think when people keep contact with exe's, without telling their spouse, something is, not necessarily "up", but there is something missing in the marriage. And who doesn't love attention.

If there are no feelings for an ex, there is no reason to meet an ex. HOPE AND FISHING is what it is.

In short, if two people want to meet, they will. I would.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Rugs said:


> I might have cheated with a SINGLE ex boyfriend, I don't know. i know I would not cheat with a MARRIED ex. I am not a saint, it's the sloppy seconds thing that grosses me out so it's just not for me.


Just because one is Married or Single, doesn't mean anything when it comes to sloppy seconds. It could happen just as easily with the AP being single or married.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Rugs said:


> I am not a WS, I am a BS. I am a female.
> 
> I have had a very lonely marriage and I have had a few opportunities to cheat and never even gave it a thought.
> 
> ...


I originally misread one of your sentences, so I'm revising my comments.

I'm sorry you were betrayed. But if a marriage is so bad that you would meet with an ex. and consider it "hoping and fishing", then I'm sorry to say you seem to be in a false R. 

Meeting up with an ex., may give you some emotional distraction, but it has the potential to turn into a revenge affair. That's not going to help your marriage.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

JR&JR said:


> OK all, enough about the EA for now as I need some help on "me". I feel almost bipolar now. I really do love my wife. I go from giving her a hug to walking out of the house so pissed that I can hardly talk an hour later with nothing happening other than TV watching in between. I want to save my marriage but have a hard time being in the room with her too.


Read the book "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. You are now on the roller coaster ride which lasts months and even years. It gets better over time, but still has ups and downs.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

dogman said:


> Gee, do you really need to meet with someone to apologize for "them" saying inappropriate things.
> The truth is when the meeting is planned, it's to see if there's a spark still.
> 
> I guess there was no spark.
> ...


Couldn't agree more. There is no reason for that get together. If it was innocent, she would have told you about it. He expressed interest in her, she agreed to meet him (secretly), you not being told and his SO not being told. That is a chance for an affair she was willing to take. She seems to have decided against it, but that is assuming she is telling the truth. He gives or gave her some sort of need to feel wanted fulfillment. You need to put a stop to that.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Really? Your wife is one disrespectful piece of work!
> 
> I'll say again to you what I said before. Watch her closely, I don't think this is over. And boy does she seem to have an attitude!


:iagree:

disrespectful piece of work is putting it nicely. She is contacting another woman's husband, and is actually complaining her telling her to stop !

Sure sounds like these two are still in love with each other. I would be talking to an attorney.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

I'm new to this forum, and I'm new to all this cheating business.

After reading this thread all I can say to the OP is: this whole thing with your wife stinks. It stinks to high heaven. Her nasty attitude towards her ex-boyfriend's wife displays to me a certain amount of competitiveness. She sounds like a single woman telling another single woman to leave her alone after she got caught trying to steel the other gal's boyfriend.

I never in a million years thought my wife would cheat on me and lie to me, but she did. I don't know why and I don't care why, but the deception, lying and backstabbing hurts just as much as her having sex with the piece of sh*t she hooked up with.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

BashfulBull said:


> I'm new to this forum, and I'm new to all this cheating business.
> 
> After reading this thread all I can say to the OP is: this whole thing with your wife stinks. It stinks to high heaven. *Her nasty attitude towards her ex-boyfriend's wife displays to me a certain amount of competitiveness. She sounds like a single woman telling another single woman to leave her alone after she got caught trying to steel the other gal's boyfriend.*
> 
> I never in a million years thought my wife would cheat on me and lie to me, but she did. I don't know why and I don't care why, but the deception, lying and backstabbing hurts just as much as her having sex with the piece of sh*t she hooked up with.


well said BB. could not agree more !


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

JR&JR said:


> The odd thing is that she's not like that but I did tell her exactly how gross I thought she sounded.
> 
> When "talking" tonight I got the real shock. I asked her if our kids were with her and she said no (a relief). Then I asked if her mother new (because that's who she would have been travelling with). I got silence then "It's not like I asked her permission." After some back and forth, it came out that her mother new she was going to me the EX! WTF??? I was blown away! I couldn't believe that her mother would condone such a meeting. I'm totally baffled and have added another to my "don't trust" list. My own MIL!!!!! It just keeps getting deeper and deeper.


This is why you'll hear people say your in-laws, no matter how nice, are not your friends when mess like this happens.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

JR&JR said:


> Ok. Here is the email in it's entirety. My only editing was replacing names. Start reading at the bottom and work your way up. I opened this email for her during confrontation and asked what "July" was about. That when she said that she met him for ice cream and to apologize. I honestly don't doubt that they met in a public place, likely even had ice cream, but her reasoning is obviously BS.
> 
> From OM:
> Well, actually OMW's name is causing us alot of pains....The only place I was in July was at work, as you know. We should have gotten married little missy, then we would only have our own problems to deal with. So until the day she can handle it, you will just be J-Word. I am quite confident that if we didnt have "his sons name", we wouldnt be married. I love her but she drives me nuts. Things are great 80% of the time, but the insecurity issues drive me MAD. So we will both work on it and be happy. She asked me the other day why I was even married to her if she drives me crazy so much. As a good husband I blew it off. This was the night after she saw you were on my Facebook. So, I dont even use Facebook anymore. I was on it a total of one week.
> ...


I'm a bit confused. The bottom messages are from "today", the top ones from 2008 yet she says they stopped communication three years ago. Shouldn't the dates be from 2010? 

What was the year they met, July 2012?

Does your wife go often to visit her mother, every summer? This could mean they have met more than that one time. I have hard time believing she met him to just apologize. She should have apologized the OM's wife and then tell you right away. There is something she is hiding. I think you should try telling she needs to do poly and see how she reacts.

I think also concerning is her ending words: _"I will wait for you to contact me."_ Is/was she still waiting before you confronted?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Suspecting said:


> I'm a bit confused. The bottom messages are from "today", the top ones from 2008 yet she says they stopped communication three years ago. Shouldn't the dates be from 2010?
> 
> What was the year they met, July 2012?
> 
> ...


Yes this is confusing.:scratchhead:


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> This is why you'll hear people say your in-laws, no matter how nice, are not your friends when mess like this happens.


Yep,

My stbxh said that every male he talked to 
(one friend of his that lies about everything and my FIL who has a interesting life himself) 
said he should have lied about "Friendship" with OW 

And my stbxh said that he wished he had lied :scratchhead:

You would think that the people that wanted to see their child married to a good person, not a cheater would try to keep them on the straight and narrow.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

darklilly23 said:


> You would think that the people that wanted to see their child married to a good person, not a cheater would try to keep them on the straight and narrow.


Yes, you would think that, but its much more common that "misery loves company". If his Dad had an "interesting life", then he probably sees the son's actions as a chip off the old block.

I have an old HS ex-friend who has a similar relationship with his father. Both cheaters, the ex-friend a serial cheater big time.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Funny how the wife's "insecurity" was really a gut feeling. After trying to end it, she finds out they actually met. This sounds like the OMW from the RDMU thread. Where she was called crazy when she caught her husband in a compromising position with RDMU's wife. Years later, he finds out it was worse than he ever imagined. Be prepared for some ugly revelations. I hope I am wrong.

Oh and I agree, talk with your MIL. You might find out that she knew about the meeting, but not the gender.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Rugs said:


> I am not a WS, I am a BS. I am a female.
> 
> I have had a very lonely marriage and I have had a few opportunities to cheat and never even gave it a thought.
> 
> ...


This is very honest and very accurate. I am impressed rugs with your very honest picture.

I feel the need to write something else here, but not sure what else to write. I think rugs hit the nail on the head in a lot of respects. Certainty for some situations. There are feelings there that I have held in my past. Not now, no way now, but those feelings I have held. Every one.....well.....maybe not every one......but the whole gist of it I understand as a feeling I have once had.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Regardless of above post....I don't think it necessarily holds much sway on the current issue for OP.

I did find it odd that he (OM) says 'and nothing happened in July as we both know' while she says 'and we will keep July quiet, I will wait to hear from you' , or words to that effect. That is something that bothered me as I tried to get to the end of your thread, and I don't think it has been pinpointed as yet. 

So...why would he pointedly say nothing happened in July, and why would she keep quiet that 'nothing' that happened? All an odd scenario. 

I think that crazy OMW is less crazy than people think!


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

What I find odd is the references to July. Why so vague? If they met for something as innocent as ice cream then why not just say that? It's weird to me, it's like July should be in quotation marks. 

Also the "as you know" reads like it should have a *wink wink* next to it, like he's implying something else.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> What I find odd is the references to July. Why so vague? If they met for something as innocent as ice cream then why not just say that? It's weird to me, it's like July should be in quotation marks.
> 
> Also the "as you know" reads like it should have a *wink wink* next to it, like he's implying something else.


Surprise polygraph-or at least the threat of (parking lot confession)


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Did the emails from OMW make the EA worse or better? If so by how much?
> 
> MORE than ice cream? etc


I still haven't seen the emails. She'd printed them off and was still looking for them. It's been 3 years so she said it may take a little time to find them again.


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

My wife told her sister yesterday and the SIL was shocked. Based on the reaction, she def didn't know anything before. She approached me a few hours later saying reaffirming she didn't know and said she would do anything to help. She took our kids with her to the BIL's so we could have a chance to be alone for the 1st time since I confronted her. Seemed to help. Also scheduled an appt for MC for next week. Oddly enough, I think that the comments from the OMW was what gave me more strength and hope. Having her tell me she believed that it was her husband initiating pretty much everything helps. Although my wife didn't shut it down like she should have, at least she wasn't looking for it.

Shaggy was right, lost 12 pounds this week. 

The SIL taking the kids with her to her brothers also and another motive. She's having the MIL bring them back today so I have the opportunity to sit down with her as well. 

As for some of the questions, based on my wife's comments the MIL knew exactly who she was meeting in July. I'm really curious about what she's going to have to say/how she'll respond when we talk.

I have thanked the OMW several times thru FB messages. Told her that she probably prevented a stronger EA, possibly more. I never knew her prior to last week so I'm amazed that she's been willing to help me through all of this.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

JR&JR said:


> I have thanked the OMW several times thru FB messages. Told her that she probably prevented a stronger EA, possibly more. I never knew her prior to last week so I'm amazed that she's been willing to help me through all of this.


That's because you are birds of a feather, in the same boat and all the rest. Part of the club that no one wants to be a part of.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

JR&JR said:


> I never knew her prior to last week so I'm amazed that she's been willing to help me through all of this.


You are answering her questions as well as yours. She may regret not telling you to help stop this crap.
We are a private society that doesn't ask for help. No, I am not blaming her because. until TAM, I wouldn't have thought to contact a SO. It isn't out of spite, but to ensure contact doesn't continue. It is a lot harder to hide when multiple people are watching your actions.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Hmmm wonder if his wife knows that email was going to be seen and planted it.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

WL. That crossed my mind. Story setting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

When he gets the emails from the OMW perhaps some light could be shed on this. 

OR

HOLES poked in story


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Rugs said:


> I am not a WS, I am a BS. I am a female.
> 
> I have had a very lonely marriage and I have had a few opportunities to cheat and never even gave it a thought.
> 
> ...




This is just me. From day one I was in an unhappy marriage but I did have very happy relationships prior to my marriage so I am aware of the best friends, true love sort of love. 

In the greatest of relationships, I would tell my SO everything. In my marriage, although I never did, I would lie if I wanted to.

Funny thing is, I never did have to lie about exes to my WS because he was indifferent to anything I did. He checked out after "I Do".

I never did cheat and if I decide to ever have another relationship (doubtful) after my stbxh, I can go into it with a clean conscious.

If she did not tell her husband about the ice cream and meeting, something is wrong in the relationship but not necessarily something majorly wrong. 

Maybe she is a people pleaser and didn't want to upset either party?

Maybe she wants an affair?

Maybe she wants to do something risky to boost her ego?

Maybe they........

Just could be so many things. 

There are so many different types of marriages. In lots of marriages, right or wrong, people don't tell their spouse everything, they lie, they hide money, they have an open marriage......it just depends on what YOUR marriage boundaries are and what is agreed upon in YOUR OWN marriage.


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

Thought that I'd give everyone a quick update. I'm still waiting on the emails from the OMW. Not sure if I should message her again asking for them or just let it die. I assume that the emails likely are what I've had with the last responses that he sent to my wife (since I have only sent emails from my wife and I assume that he always responded). We have an appointment with a MC but it's still a week off (guess we aren't the only people in need of counseling based on how far out they are booked). Things are definitely going better between me and my wife now. I've finally gotten over the 'sick to my stomach, being a zombie' feeling and am functioning like normal again.

If I ever do get the emails from the OMW, I will let you know what they say. She told me that he brought up an "encounter" they had at his parent's house when they were engaged. She also has said that she feels he initiated everything and was the one who was "fishing". Makes me feel better about my wife but also hate him even more. I hope that I see him face to face at some point so that I can show my displeasure...

I've looked on FB and his page is down now.

As for those of you questioning what "ice cream" means, I truely believe that it means the met for ice cream. Meeting someone for ice cream seems totally like something she would do. 

Beyond the EA that took place, I firmly believe that nothing more happened. The saying that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger applies to this situation. After the intitial damage subsided, our marriage seems to be in a better place than it was previously. We talk more openly and frequently so that can be nothing but helpful.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Let us know how thing go and I hope they move in a positive direction for you. Always remember, don't take sh1t from anyone ... especially not your wife. You are in charge of this reconciliation, not her.

BTW: Did your mother in law give you a satisfactory explanation for supporting your wife's emotional tryst?


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> Let us know how thing go and I hope they move in a positive direction for you. Always remember, don't take sh1t from anyone ... especially not your wife. You are in charge of this reconciliation, not her.
> 
> BTW: Did your mother in law give you a satisfactory explanation for supporting your wife's emotional tryst?


The MIL explained that when my wife called off the engagement to the OM, he spent a lot of time talking to her (MIL) searching for answers. She said that she thought it would give him a sense of closure. I explained that since she knew I wouldn't approve, I saw it as her putting the OM ahead of her SIL. She agreed and apologized. She also said that she is happy that I'm her SIL and not the OM. She said that she was thrilled when she learned that her daughter and I were getting married.

We also talked about how I wanted my wife to tell the rest of her siblings. The MIL said she didn't see why and felt like I was trying to humiliate my wife. I explained that when I confronted my wife that it I was told it happened years ago and wasn't a big deal. If not a big deal, then there should be no issues telling people that it happened. I also explained that she needs to own what she did because it wasn't my actions that caused this problem. My BIL is also friends with the OM and I don't want him to put my wife (or me) in a situation where we are anywhere near the OM, no matter how improbable based on how far apart each of us lives from the other.

The OMW messaged me today saying that she wasn't able to find the emails. She believes that she must have threw them away when when she and the OM finished MC. Based on what the OMW has told me about what she remembered in the emails, the only thing I was missing was his last response in the thread.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

JR&JR said:


> We also talked about how I wanted my wife to tell the rest of her siblings. The MIL said she didn't see why and felt like I was trying to humiliate my wife. I explained that when I confronted my wife that it I was told it happened years ago and wasn't a big deal. If not a big deal, then there should be no issues telling people that it happened. I also explained that she needs to own what she did because it wasn't my actions that caused this problem


I agree with the MIL here. 

There is the email exchange from 5 to 3 years ago, and no evidence of EA/PA. 

I think you did well untill now, but you should not overdo it.

Your wife also needs respect as a person, if you treat her like a dog on a leash, you will have trouble ahead. 

I would advise to keep one eye open though. But if you love your wife and kids, then start building on a good marriage from your side. Success with that.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

JR&JR said:


> *The MIL explained that when my wife called off the engagement to the OM, he spent a lot of time talking to her (MIL) searching for answers. She said that she thought it would give him a sense of closure. *I explained that since she knew I wouldn't approve, I saw it as her putting the OM ahead of her SIL. She agreed and apologized. *She also said that she is happy that I'm her SIL and not the OM*.
> _Yes ,know she is.What else is she supposed to say
> 
> _
> ...


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## Rollin (May 18, 2013)

Demand a polygraph. Schedule it, and then tell her.


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

This will likely be my final update. It's been over 6 months and I've found nothing to lead me to believe that there has been any contact between my wife and her ex. I still (and probably will for a long time) check her email, phone and FB accounts. At times I feel like a stalker but I also realize that this is one of the ways to regain trust. Anyway, all is well for now.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Thanks for giving us the update. Good luck to you.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Cool. Me like at least a semi good ending.


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