# Wife won't initiate sex



## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

Married 16 years, It has always been me to get the sex thing going. Then she tells me its all I think about. She says I don't talk to her enough but after feeling unattractive or a poor lover I really don't have much to say. Then I get so dam horny I have to ask. I guess I am HD and she is LD. I am always trying something new in bed and its usually a no way. I just wish 1 time she would ask me, male 54 by the way, to ask me for some. I do have to inject with trimix due to ED issues after prostate removal due to cancer. But even before that it was the same. Almost like having a room mate instead of a wife. :scratchhead:


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I can tell you my husband and I feel into this rut at one time, and I finally told him, he asked about sex and mentioned things so many times in a day, he never even gave me a chance to think about sex on my own, he even got me to a point where I didnt' need to say anything or initiate because he would every single day, without fail more than once. I will never forget the conversation that night. He looked hurt, but it was the truth, it had become to where it turned me off... I wasn't even a sexual being from trying to keep up with him. He backed off... we came to a mutual agreement on frequency (the least expected from him) and the build up in between got better... and I do initiate more now.... we still have some kinks to work out... you mentioned your age, is your wife menopausal, that can also damper a womans drive.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

Wife is 49 and yes menopausal, but she has always been this way, We have not had sex in over a week, I asked last night and it was some crap about a sore inside her inner thigh from drinking diet soda???? Whatever. So all I said was ok, I will take that as a no. Now if I don't ask again it will be a month or longer. I am tired of the denial I guess.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Are you pursuing her in other ways? Are you romantic with her without the expectation of sex? It's very hard for a woman to feel sexy and sexual when her husband does not make her feel loved and cared for.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Are you fulfilling her needs in the marriage?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

So you initiate. If she turns you down, don't get mad or sulk. Act like it didn't really matter one way or the other. Go rub one out if you need to, but don't let her know it bothers you. I just started doing this and have had some positive results.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

fembot said:


> are you pursuing her in other ways? Are you romantic with her without the expectation of sex? It's very hard for a woman to feel sexy and sexual when her husband does not make her feel loved and cared for.


 i wish my husband got this!!!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Are you still attractive? Does your wife have orgasms?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I've heard it said that 
*
'conversation is to women.... what sex is to men'
*

This may not be the case for all women but I know my sex drive is high partly because of how hubby makes me feel and his time and words are a big parts of how he conveys that to me.... 

Many men here would LOVE to know what their wife needs and wants to feel loved and sexual. 
Your wife has told you straight up what she needs... 

You've admitted you're feeling rejected and unattractive and have nothing to say to her... sounds like a lose/lose situation for both of you.

How much time do you spend together talking and sharing?


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

I always kiss her when leaving or coming home, sometimes just out of the blue. Pat her on but and hug occasionally. I am 5 foot 7 and 160 pounds and do not think I am ugly. Yes she orgasms but not always. Sometimes it does piss me off yes, and yes occasionally I do have to wank it off. I have bought her sexy lingerie over the years which has never been worn. I love oral and it is a rarity there too. I guess its a mixed type marriage ,, hd verses ld. I am just not ready to roll over and wither up yet and she seems like she is not interested in sex any at all.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

The lack of sex is just symptomatic of something else wrong in the marriage, probably this:

"She says I don't talk to her enough but after feeling unattractive or a poor lover I really don't have much to say."

She's telling you you don't talk enough. Don't make excuses why you don't. She has pinpointed a need and you need to fill it. Once you do that on a consistent basis, THEN you can complain about lack of sex. Otherwise, it's just finger pointing back and forth.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> The lack of sex is just symptomatic of something else wrong in the marriage, probably this:
> 
> "She says I don't talk to her enough but after feeling unattractive or a poor lover I really don't have much to say."
> 
> She's telling you you don't talk enough. Don't make excuses why you don't. She has pinpointed a need and you need to fill it. Once you do that on a consistent basis, THEN you can complain about lack of sex. Otherwise, it's just finger pointing back and forth.



We'll said :iagree::iagree:

But it could be as simple as she is LD and you are HD, and even after talking with her more, her sex drive may just be the same and she will complain about something else lacking....


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

edbopc said:


> Wife is 49 and yes menopausal, but she has always been this way, We have not had sex in over a week, I asked last night and it was some crap about a sore inside her inner thigh from drinking diet soda???? Whatever. So all I said was ok, I will take that as a no. Now if I don't ask again it will be a month or longer. I am tired of the denial I guess.


Next time she says that come back with "I wont touch your thighs baby". Suggest a position or two and then, with confidence, start warming her up.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

I think this time I am going to ride this out and see how long it actually goes, I do try to talk with her when she doesn't have that kindle reading. It is not always the male partner's fault, I do talk to her a lot. She is just not interested in sex like I am. Sexually I feel like when I was divorced and alone for years and years and alone. Not a bar drinker and took care of my 2 kids from that marriage. Here I am married and still not getting any.....geeze!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

The longest sexual drought for me was about 1.5 months. Of course wifee and I weren't talking and she was wondering why? We were bickering and fighting, and she was wondering why? I've explained it to her many times I have a high sex drive and I can't even go 1 week of no sex. She forgets everytime, in one ear and out the other.........:scratchhead:


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

waiwera said:


> I've heard it said that
> *
> 'conversation is to women.... what sex is to men'
> *
> ...



I definitely agree with this point of view but would also like to add that it's much easier to treat your wife in this way IF she is a willing participant in your marital sex life. It's the typical conundrum of which came first, the chicken or the egg.

In my case, my wife would tell you that she has always felt that she is attractive, sexy and that I love her regardless of the fact if she was heavier or not. 

However, that has not translated to a mutually satisfying sex life. My drive is higher (and I'm talking like 2x a week and maybe a 3rd time every now and then) and hers is lower. 

This can be extremely hurtful and demaeaning for a man too.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

edbopc said:


> I think this time I am going to ride this out and see how long it actually goes, I do try to talk with her when she doesn't have that kindle reading. It is not always the male partner's fault, I do talk to her a lot. She is just not interested in sex like I am. Sexually I feel like when I was divorced and alone for years and years and alone. Not a bar drinker and took care of my 2 kids from that marriage. Here I am married and still not getting any.....geeze!


Don't do this! Take it from someone that tried it and went for almost 2 months without.

In my experience, talking does usually result in improvement but for me it's typically been short lived. I've gotten to the point that I now think that since she knows HOW important it is to me and yet still allows it to fall by the wayside, how much does she really care?

Our frequency this year is less than it was last year and the sad part of it is that I am starting to care less and less with each passing day. I find that i am less hurt and definitely less resentful or angry. Good for me

She's not bothered so I guess she's good with it too.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I agree with Toffer. I think it is the worse thing you can do. It's even predictable - she has not initiated in the past and she will not if you don't. 

Keep the momentum going. Can you think of anything that you did while dating that you can start doing again? 

I'd say don't make any drastic changes. She will probably think you are being nice for sex. Decide that no matter what, you will give her what she gives you.

Do only your fair share of cooking, cleaning etc. don't do every thing at once. Take it slowly maybe over a month or two. Find more things to do that don't involve her. Again plan and go slow. 

These are all things that will benifit you as a man and make your next relationship better. 

If there are any personal issues you need to work on, do that. Not for her but for you. Think about the problems in your marriages and look for repeating problems. 

Did you pick the same type of woman. Did you tolerate BS and stay in the relationship? 

I know it's annoying to hear about the things that you can do. But she is not here. She may never change because she is not open to do so. So it is not all you. But if you can make any improvements on yourself for yourself then do it.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Okay so I am going to say some things you will not like in fact you may get offended after my post feel free to call me all kinds of names I promise to not be offended. I have been where you are RIGHT now and have gotten out of it. Now my sex life is great and she initiates we have been together for 8 years. The last 2 years have been hard we have fought about sex over and over and over ad-nauseum so many times that I was thinking of leaving because I just felt she did not get my needs I did not feel loved or cared about. So here are a few things that I have done and some crap you are not going to like.


1: You are at fault. Yep you have brought this on yourself sometime in your past she was denying you sex so you figured well if she is not going to take care of me then why should I be affectionate, spend quality time or really do anything she wants, she is not doing anything for me especially as it takes so little time. How about this one you figured well she wants to go to dinner how come I spend all that time doing that and she can't even spare a few minutes for me. I will even bet you have said okay I will try to be nice to her and hope that she then wants to have sex with me so you try for awhile and then stop. When she wants to talk I bet you get resentful here she is wanting to talk for all this time but she is not making me feel loved or cared about. Maybe some of these are correct maybe none of them are but here is the point YOU have decided that HER needs will not be met until your needs are. 

2: You both have held each other hostage she wants quality time but you don't want to give her that until you get some of your needs met and start feeling loved yourself again.

3: Now SHE is at fault as well because if she was fulfilling your needs and thereby making you feel loved you would probably be happy to fulfill her needs.

4: I am not saying be a martyr and suck it up. You have a valid need many men equate sex with love right wrong or indifferent it is how some people are wired. Your wife does not neither does mine instead sex is and EVENT and expression of them feeling loved. With them feeling unloved you don't get an event.

5: You may be saying but I do this and then I do that. Yeah that means nothing because that is not how SHE feels loved. If she cooks you dinner you probably feel good but that does not equate with the feeling of love you get when you have sex. So when you for example buy her something that does not make her feel loved like having a conversation with her does. Imagine one is worth 1 point of love and another is worth 20 points. You keep hoping the 1 points will add up...they won't you have to make her feel loved how she wants to feel loved THEN she will start making you feel loved how YOU want.

6: Now she could do the same thing but she is not here and you are so if you want to make it better you can either continue to blame her or actively change it by changing you. It takes two to have a cold war and right now that is where you are.


Some good books that helped me. 5 Languages of Love, His Needs Her Needs oh and a great way to create a bridge to get sex but also to make your wife happy are Pleasure Mechanics books on sensual massage. This is a great way to start initiating a more physical relationship with your wife.


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