# I'm in need of some advise.



## h20 (Mar 9, 2009)

My wife and I recently had an argument (as everyone has had I am sure)We've been married for 8 yrs, most of which I would like to think were good.She feels that I yell a lot, and I'm no longer the person who she married. She told me that it is done, and she does not want to talk about it. 

I dont want to give up. I guess we've become disconnected over the years, we both work a lot.If I need to change, I will, I want to make it work. I want have what we had when we were dating, I want to get the passion & romance back.

Any ideas/recommendation on how to start?especially when she doesnt want to discuss it? Should I just give her some time?


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## zero (Mar 9, 2009)

I'm no position really to give advice since I am in a similar predicament, though roles are reversed... but as per my experience, give her time, and if things still don't work out, seek counseling to help clear the air, to have issues sorted out without bias or anger.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Yes give her space. That means don't expect anything of her - don't try to get her to talk more about it. Just start *doing* it. Behave in a manner that you believe will accomplish the results you seek.

Don't yell.
Smile.
Kiss her on the cheek at night or in the morning.
Do whatever it is that she remembers as endearing, or that you actually enjoyed doing for her at some point in the past.
Change the little things to pave way for the bigger things.
Be consistent, and be patient. Don't expect her to notice or even acknowledge what you are doing.
Accept that you want to change, regardless of whether or not she does, and you will know within the course of a few weeks to a month whether or not your behaviors are thawing the ice between you. The old 'you reap what you sow' or 'treat others as you want to be treated' is never truer than with your spouse.


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## h20 (Mar 9, 2009)

Thanks for the advise... what do you think should be a good cooling period? couple of days ... weeks? I dont want to drive her away, right now I miss her even though we are under the same roof.

I want to hold her and I cant...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Take your serving of humble pie and good behavior for a week. Then, tell her you would like to hold her, or simply ask her, "may I put my arms around you for a moment?" If she says 'no', respect that and don't pout.
Odds are, even if she is open to reconciliation, she is going to test you to see if she can get the old responses she was used to.

Best thing I can tell you is be willing to take emotional risks. Basically put yourself out there. Although it can make you feel vulnerable, it also provides a pretty good indication of whether your partner has any regard for your feelings, or wants a reconciliation as well.

Be open to repairing your bond. But perhaps more importantly, be prepared to accept that she doesn't want to repair it, regardless of what you do or how you act.


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## hope-its-not-too-late (Mar 25, 2009)

i have been doing it all wrong i feel, i have been asking/pressuring her to accept an apology off me

maybe i've been ringing and contacting her to much and now i distanced my self even further.

it seems to go against everything my mind is telling me, i.e. if there is a problem, fix it, now, if not sooner.

how often should i call her? maybe i shouldn't call at all, and send flowers, let her call me, have a quick conversation, say 'i love you' and then......continue with these sort of acts?


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## brknheart (Mar 16, 2009)

Man, I feel your pain. I'm in the same boat. I have received similar advice from many sources. Focus on improving yourself. Do things that interest you. Hopefully for both of us our spouses will notice the change and show an interest in working on our issues.

Hang in there. You're not alone!


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## SweetBillyV (Mar 28, 2009)

Watch the movie Fireproof and get the book Love Dare. It will give you some perspective on your situation.


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