# Online Journal



## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

Hey there, I got back from my counselor and she says she wants me to write things down. I earlier went to her to help my relationship but i now believe that it is not worth continuing. She wants me to write down what im having problems with and what "triggers" my bad thoughts about my ex to help me heal. So here it is.
Day 3 of seperation.
I went to a party last night and while i was driving there she texted me. Asked me what i was doin and told her i was going out. Short and sweet maybe 10 texts. When i got there outside was a girl who dated a guy who was best friends with the guy who she hooked up with. Talked to her a bit and found out they actually hooked up before i even met her. So this wasnt a 1 time deal. Sent her a dirty text and she called twice and left a voicemail saying it never happened and im dumb and she will never talk to me again (good help me forget her). got home about 2 ish and went to sleep. Prayed to the lord and asked him to help me on my path thru life. This morning i got woken up around 6 tried to go back to sleep but couldnt stop seeing the guys face in my imagination. Decided i couldnt even close my eyes without seein him.


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

Boss called me to come to work early, woke me up. For some reason i was thinking about 2 guys and 2 girls getting into a mustang. the girl said last time i was in here it was a lot nicer. Made me think of how she had sex with the guy in his truck. Less then 2 minutes after i was woken up. Great start to the day.


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

Day 3...
went to work, about lunch time i coudlnt get her off my mind. started to think if i only told her i just wanted a break it would make it easier on her. but then i thought i dont want her back, i cant put myself thru this again and so i shouldnt even talk to her. i really want her back i think, but on my other hand i dont want a girlfriend right now, i can be single and like it, i dont need anybody to be my foundation and have my back i can do it all on my own. and i dont need to rush into anything. when the good lord wants me to be with somebody he will cross our paths.


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

end of day 3...
about 10pm got a text from ex saying i left my facebook up on her computer. she added ball licking to my sports (kinda funny lol) and some other stupid stuff. guessing she went thru all my messages but i dont really care. i told her i am not in love with her anymore. and she got mad and said **** you. i told her i cant love her if every hour for the rest of my life im going to have to see in my imagination her having sex with another guy with no condom and him having to pull out because he doesnt want to get her pregnant. wish i could say she wanted it too. or about my friends face eating her out. i have to think about that the rest of the time im with her. she doesnt. so im done. i dont want it anymore. i told her i fell out of love with her. i want to be a friend and thats it. im done.


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

had a thought as i was trying to go to sleep. This one little action could have just changed my life drastically. i really thought she was the one. she used to make me feel #1 in the world. will i find another girl that will like me that much? even if im boring and like to spend a night playing computer games? her family was perfect. she was perfect. we were perfect. but now i cant go back. i cant. i dont want a girl who thinks its okay to have a one night stand. if i wasnt here what would her number be at? if i see her in a year what how many guys will she be at then? to me sex is special. i gave this girl my first. this act means something to me. shows love. shows loyalty. shows commitment. and she can share that in one night? she is just like the other girls. you will find a girl who god has set in your path and she will be the one for you. i know i dont have a lot of game. but i dont want to mess with the hoes. i want to find the right one and the one to like me for me.


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

Day 4...
All i could think about last night really was the song "We could have had it all". Describes how i felt basically. But then images of her with the no condom guy rushed in. But i did an okay job of getting them out. Woke up this morning at 9 cant go back to sleep to how she said she stopped the sex because the condom broke. But i remember the bad things, and remember her saying that he was afraid to get her pregnant so he pulled out. She made me believe she did wear a condom, (said it broke and thats what ended it) but now after having a memory like that i know she didnt. I hate her so much for giving me the details. I hate her for doing this to me. She was my dream girl. Now i have to go thru this heart break and find a new dream girl. She makes it so easy to hate her, but all i want to do is go back to her, but i know in the long run i cant. I need to move on. Im not going to be one of those guys who have "skits" or images go thru their head every damn day of the relationship. She messed up and now she is going to get the consequence. Even tho i think its hurting me more. This is what she deserves.


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

Work today started bad. Was thinking about her. I want to tell her i want her back. But she has to earn it by good behavior. I want to see where she is in 2 months and go thru her phone and see if she has had any other hookups from the time i left. I have faith she will, the short time we broke up about 2 months ago she hung out with 3 guys. I know she isnt good for me but i keep wanting to fix us. Im not going to but she is who i wanted to marry. No other girl. I dont want to have sex with any other girl.


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

ask riverside MTF (the online therapist) what to do. Told him the full story but i dont have a sent folder. Forgot what i sent but this is his answer
AZ. My sister lives in Gilbert. I live in Southern California. 
Honestly, I think you should move on from her. Here are some of the problems I see with the relationship.

- Multiple break-ups
- Parents don't like her (did you come from a decent home?)
- She doesn't respect you
- Sex doesn't mean that much to her (as she is apparently willing to share sex with multiple others)

All of these factors will only cause more problems later on if you were to get back together with her. Anytime there is an argument, you will probably run through these "skits" again. Anytime she leaves for whatever reason, you will often not trust her because of her previous actions. Another factor is that you are lonely. Being lonely is not healthy going into a relationship. With those feelings, you might be "clingy" and never want her to leave you. I would enjoy school (are you still going) and keep up your education. Be single for a while (though you can still date and hang out with other girls, just nothing exclusive). Figure out who you are. Before you can find the right person to marry, you have to BE the right person to marry. Good luck!
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Hey i got another question. I think i still want her in my future. But i know last time we broke up (2 months ago) she started to hang out with a lot of guys. Can i tell her to not hookup or kiss? can i call this time for myself? I need time to grow up like you said. Can i tell her to wait for me? that i do want her in my future but not now? Can i tell her if she does anything else i will be fully done and not look back but for now there is a chance for us?
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Despite all of the red flags, you seem to be holding out and thinking that this relationship will work out. I think there is a greater chance that it doesn't work. Personally I think it is time for you to move on and begin thinking about life without her completely. The official break up will hurt, but it is better to do it now, than to go through the whole cycle again. That may not be what you wanted to hear, but those are my thoughts.


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

So, im looking forward to my new future. One where i know that she wont be in. I have texted her back but i havent started a conversation with her since the break up. The whole relationship i wanted something stable. This is what i was looking forward to. Now i know what to expect. After reading that i felt okay. Like i really dont need her. Talked to a guy at work, he left his hs sweatheart too about a year ago. hes still single, but its okay to be single. I do want to keep my numbers low, so i dont want to mess with the hoes. Ill just wait till the good lord sends a good girl to cross my path.


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

Was thinkin last night. She really doesnt think sex is special. And to me, thats the MOST special part about a relationship. Heres how i came to that conclusion. She had sex when she was 14. She got caught having sex by the park rangers when she was 14. First day i asked her out at her house she gave me a hand job. First time i asked for sex she said okay. First night she was with this hook up she gave him everything but sex. First night she was with the guy she had sex with she gave him everything, and no condom which in my relationship i had to wait almost a year for. Gosh man, she is either hella easy or sex means nothing to her. Its sad. I wish i could have waited for another girl. 3 years it took me to figure this out... Maybe thats why she made me so insecure. Because to me it ment love, commitment, and loyalty. To her, it was a good time. What a joke she is when i think about her now. Man when you take a step back, things are so clear. Yea she will go out and get a rebound, but at this point im done with her so i dont care. Im waiting for another girl that is classy. Thats what i thought she was. She texted me last night. All i wanna do is be like you skanky wh0re your easy, go sleep around i dont want you i have no feelings anymore.


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

Day 5... 
Having a good day... She texted me last night and i didnt text back. I have little thoughts about her a second or two at a time bu they are easy to blow off. Talked to another dude at work, I dont want a lot of sexual partners. Im happy right now with only two. I wish i was only at 1 tho. Its kinda like i wanna keep my numbers low for my wife, but then again i know in reality my wife is going to be a normal woman and have more then a couple guys. Thats the delema right now.


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

Havent thought about her much. This morning maybe a little and a little after workout. I think i am moving on amazingly fast. I never thought i would. I always go back. But maybe knowing ill never feel number 1 again pretty much solidifies my decision. Knowing she shared the same act as when i gave her my first time, she did it with a dude in a one night stand, and without a condom, blows my mind haha. Makes me sick. I am so much happier already without her.


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

Early day 6 1am...
she texted me. went like this 
Her: hey
Me: hey
Her: i miss you
Me: im sorry but i cant come back. ive learned a lot from this. Sex is special is ment for marriage. it shows trust loyalty, respect for youreself and most of all commitment with the SO. You shared that. I am going to be celibate till i marry now. and i will lead by exmaple. But our time has passed.
Her: i can be celibate with you. i miss you as a person as my best friend i miss telling you i love you
Me: You dont and i dont ever want to hear that again. YOU DONT EVER SAY THAT AGAIN OR I WILL STOP TALKING TO YOU. you did the action you deal with it. I dont have to cheat on somebody to know its a mistake.

She called and i ignored. i then sent her
You love me but youll take the one girl i loved the most away from me? youll share something so special to me with another guy? i made one mistake in this. I should have left the day i read it. And im ashamed i didnt. As for friends, ill be your friend but dont every try to tell me you love me. actions speak louder then words.


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

Woke up this mornin to 3 missed texts, two girls 1 dude. Lifes lookin up i think and had a real long conversation with this girl last night. But to be honest, im scared to get into another relationship, it seems like people cheat all the time now. its scary. As for my feelings towards her, im kinda numb. I dont wanna even talk to her but i know she has no friends so i feel bad if i dont. And i also just want to forgive her, but i know if i do then ill have images running thru my head for a very long time. best thing to do is stay strong and keep moving forward.


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

Day 7...
for some reason i emailed her post number 10. out of no where a day or two ago. She hasnt texted me or called me since late night day 5. Im starting to think about her a lot more. I went out with this new girl i met to a party and was trying to put on some moves and she denied me and all i could think about the rest of my night was my ex. last time we broke up she hit up 3 other dudes... i know shes getting a rebound... i came back at 2 went to sleep at 3 and could barely sleep at all. i got up at 6 and work at 8. its just getting harder knowin shes movin on too i guess. but even this morning i thought about how she could have sex with no condom. disgusts me. videos go thru my head. i know i have to move on. she was only my first real girlfriend, ill have more i know i will. give it time and youll meet a real gem.


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