# He said he wanted a divorce



## emilyrosen (Jul 12, 2017)

.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'd probably ask him who he was seeing.


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## emilyrosen (Jul 12, 2017)

I did and he claims he isnt cheating


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

emilyrosen said:


> I did and he claims he isnt cheating


They never admit to it.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: He says he wants a divorce*

Given that you perceived your relationship as all lovey-dicey, mushy and problem free such that this revelation caught you completely unaware in the midst of what you thought was a beautiful relationship, your overall post and your ultimate question are remarkably unemotional and low stress.

That he made this revelation via long distance while on deployment is interesting. Either he had been planning this for some time but couldn't tell you face to face, or he has developed another relationship while deployed (or both). 

You need to find out why he's taken this turn seemingly out of the blue. That's difficult under the best of circumstances, but darn near impossible while he's deployed.

How long is his deployment? Is it something you can wait out? It's unlikely a divorce could be finalized during the deployment, so you may get the chance to probe him before the point of no return even if you initially agree to separate.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

*Re: He says he wants a divorce*

Ask him what the hell I'd going on!! Find a support group of miltary wives and tapp into their wisdom


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## emilyrosen (Jul 12, 2017)

*Re: He says he wants a divorce*

So the reason for my low stress is that this happened a few months ago. I told him that I wouldn't give him a divorce. While questioning him he said that since he was with a new group and didn't know anyone that he was feeling very alone and stressed and was projecting that onto our marriage. We are in a better place now but I am still worried that there was something more. I wanted to know what people might think what their reaction might have been.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: He says he wants a divorce*



emilyrosen said:


> So the reason for my low stress is that this happened a few months ago. I told him that I wouldn't give him a divorce. While questioning him he said that since he was with a new group and didn't know anyone that he was feeling very alone and stressed and was projecting that onto our marriage. We are in a better place now but I am still worried that there was something more. I wanted to know what people might think what their reaction might have been.


Even that explanation seems strange. Is he brand new in the Military? Military personnel are constantly assigned to different units and thrust into new groups where they don't know anybody. This explanation makes no sense unless you are very young and this was his first transfer.

It's good things have settled down, but you still need to be concerned for the future. Even if there was nothing more, is he going to go off the deep end like this every time he gets a new assignment? You can't have a situation where his first reaction to stress is to dissolve the marriage... especially if he's in the military, which will bring this kind of stress frequently.


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## emilyrosen (Jul 12, 2017)

*Re: He says he wants a divorce*

He has been in for 5 years, this is his 3rd deployment but first one with this new group. He hasn't ever acted like this before that why I was so confused as to why this happened.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Commence the 180 immediately. Let him get a feel for what divorce is going to look like for a soldier on deployment. Don't argue with him. Don't do the 'pick me' dance. Proceed as if you will be getting a divorce. Communicate about finances and children only.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

He has either already been unfaithful, or is planning to be. I suppose the good news - if there is such a thing in this scenario - is that he apparently feels bad enough about it to tell you he wants a divorce rather than just cheating while he's away then coming home to his wife like nothing ever happened. 

Your husband has plainly said he doesn't want to be married to you. Believe him. Agree to the divorce and do what you can to keep it amicable. Proceed as if you'll be divorcing. Get your ducks in a row and start separating your finances as much as possible. Get copies, or the originals if necessary, of all the important documentation. Start thinking about the living arrangements, the custody arrangements, how to divvy up your household, etc. You may wish to consult an attorney, an accountant, or other professionals to help you get everything sorted. Communicate with your husband only as much as necessary, and only about the children or the financial and logistical arrangements for the divorce settlement. 

If he decides he doesn't actually want to be divorced, you may agree to postpone until he returns. Be aware, though, that even if you don't end up divorced now, there are clearly some major issues that will need to be addressed. Including his likely infidelity while on deployment. Whatever issues there are may ultimately result in divorce at some future point, even if it's not right now. So don't stop getting your life in order. You need to do whatever is necessary to ensure you're prepared to live as a divorced woman. You need to be in a position of strength, so that whatever decisions you eventually make won't be based on weakness or need or codependence.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Very likely he has cheated and won't admit it. Sorry to agree with others here. 

It's possible he is unhappy and didn't cheat, but it's very likely there is someone else he is eying, and it's probably an emotional affair at the least.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

It's hard to give specific advice in this case because we don't have many details to go on. I think that's why a lot of readers here will guess that some cheating is going on. However, keep in mind that we really know nothing about his and you situation like his normal personality, financial situation, moral values, relationship with your family, if you have kids, etc... 

In addition to what others are saying, it just may be possible that the change in setting opened his eyes a bit. You may have believed that you both were a mushy couple that always had to be together but maybe that was more in your mind than his. Maybe he just played the part while you were together, but secretly felt smothered in the relationship. Later, once he's deployed, he felt more freedom from you than longing for you - and decided to act on those feelings. 

Is it possible that he's cheating? Sure. Absent of any proof, I don't think you should focus too much on this. If you don't have kids, I agree with Blondilocks and keep your communication cool, concise and unemotional. He may come around, but be ready in case he does not. If you do have kids, I'd try to keep the channels of communication a little more open and see what happens. If nothing else, you may get some more details as to what is going through his mind...

Good luck to you


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I merged your two threads. Only one thread per topic please.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: He says he wants a divorce*



emilyrosen said:


> So the reason for my low stress is that this happened a few months ago. *I told him that I wouldn't give him a divorce. *While questioning him he said that since he was with a new group and didn't know anyone that he was feeling very alone and stressed and was projecting that onto our marriage. We are in a better place now but I am still worried that there was something more. I wanted to know what people might think what their reaction might have been.


If he wants a divorce, he can get one. He does not need your agreement to get a divorce.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have the two of you been married?

Do you have any children? If so how many and what are their ages?

How old are you and your husband?

Do you have a job? If so, what percentage of your joint income do you earn?

Your posts are a bit confusing in that you said that he brought up divorce months ago and then he said it was because he was lonely and projecting that on your marriage. It's not clear if he is still saying that he wants a divorce. Is he? Has he done anything to file for divorce?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

If you are in the U.S. you cannot "not give him a divorce." He'll file, it will churn through the courts, and eventually the divorce will be granted with or without your approval or consent.

So, better to start getting your ducks in a row, legally speaking.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

Advice here on scant details is going to be problematic but here goes, you obviously love you husband and i assume he told you recently he loves you, i like the bit where you say you both like each others company, that is a not something that is heard from someone who is looking for a divorce. His military service must have a bearing on this with him asking when away from home for a divorce and not being their to explain why. Maybe he isn't serious and is testing you out, how has he been with you when he has been away from home previously? This seems strange behaviour for you not to have any inclination before he left, but as always no matter how well you know someone they can and will surprise you in both good ways but sometimes bad.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I suggested looking into a miltary support group because your husband may be suffering from PTSD.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Here's an extreme option:

You could file first. It may shock him. Wake
Him up. You can put it on hold anytime. If he does not fight, you may as well end things. If his heart is not in it why want him anymore. 

What else will he do In the future if he is not that rock solid LTR you thought he was.

Military marriages are the toughest thing Ive ever seen. Perfectly great relationships can be stressed to the breaking point. It's tough.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: He says he wants a divorce*



emilyrosen said:


> He has been in for 5 years, this is his 3rd deployment but first one with this new group. He hasn't ever acted like this before that why I was so confused as to why this happened.


He might not be fitting in with the new unit so well. 

Clash of personalities maybe. Just give it time to work out. If this is his first time with a new unit, he just needs time to get worked into it. Been there and went through it myself.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: He says he wants a divorce*



EleGirl said:


> If he wants a divorce, he can get one. He does not need your agreement to get a divorce.


Apparently he does. She has him trained well. :grin2:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: He says he wants a divorce*



ABHale said:


> Apparently he does. She has him trained well. :grin2:


:grin2:

He's on deployment right now. Depending on where he is deployed, it might be difficult for him to file for divorce right now. And federal law protects him while deployed. He just might file as soon as he gets back.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: He says he wants a divorce*



EleGirl said:


> :grin2:
> 
> He's on deployment right now. Depending on where he is deployed, it might be difficult for him to file for divorce right now. And federal law protects him while deployed. He just might file as soon as he gets back.


Yes but she still stopped him at the time. :grin2:


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## pattyreed2011 (Nov 28, 2016)

Men are very straightforward if he said he wants a divorce it means he wants a divorce

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