# Fed up with shallow answers? Post your problems here and let us find viable solutions



## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

I know that most of us have been through a lot, so much so that we become suspicious, cynical and can't or we aren't able to put ourselves into the other person's shoes. 
It is understandable however people come here to find help and support. They also come with a bunch of experiences and beliefs; they come with superstitions; with things they would never do and would judge other for them etc. What I want to say is that I chose to believe we all mean well, however we filter our answers through our believes and life experiences, manner that has its own shades of gray. 
Because of that I want to start a thread where everything is permitted, we can rant, we can ask for advice, in relationships, in finding a date, in passing through difficult time with only one exception - we need to be assertive, not aggressive and always try to ask ourselves one single question " What would I really, really do if I would be him/her with all the consequences the bad, the good and the ugly".
Why I am writing this? Because when I came here I was distracted, sad, hurt and my feelings were all over the map. I was trying to find logical justification for things that didn't exist or existed at a huge magnitude only in my imagination. 
I've been given all the advice possible - in good faith - to stay, to leave, that I am guilty, that I am not, that I need therapy - in the sense that I might not be right in the head Well all the good stuff. 
It did not help - what really, really helped was the refocus from my problem's to everybody else; reading a lot of posts and see how people evolved in time, studying the stories, so one day after two very, very bad months I wake up and the pain was fading. Some times will be there but I had found in me the strength to move forward and now whatever may happen I know I will be well, that I will fulfill my dreams and I will be happy because I was fortunate I didn't lost in this process the most important person in the world in my life - myself. I learned to finally love and accept myself entirely. 
So now that I am good and in peace with everything that happened or may happen in my life I want to be here for you guys. For the ones that have been ignored, criticized, told shallow things. 
I really believe we will help each other and together we will become stronger, we will share stories, little nothings, we will laugh together and even cry. We will tell jokes, you guys are free to flirt or rant or whatever makes you feel better. 
As they say what happens on TAM stays on TAM
I know the skeptics and the cynics will come and say various "nice or not so nice things" but I am taking the chance.
So let's give this thread a chance.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I am glad to hear you feel acceptance and confidence in yourself, edgya. You are a good addition to TAM. I am glad you are here.


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

jld said:


> I am glad to hear you feel acceptance and confidence in yourself, edgya. You are a good addition to TAM. I am glad you are here.


Thanks jdl I don't know if I am an addition or not but thank you. 
There are few reasons for doing this but the most important ones is that I started this year promising myself that I would be a better person (as I do each year) so I'm trying and second, helping other helps me deflect my attention from myself. 
And yes I hope they will find a way to cope and go forward.


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## Fabiovelli (May 3, 2014)

I'm new here, but may I ask, if everyone posted in this thread, what is the purpose of all the other forums here?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

I want a pony.


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

Fabiovelli said:


> I'm new here, but may I ask, if everyone posted in this thread, what is the purpose of all the other forums here?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can post anywhere and of course start your own thread. The purpose is support all those who did not find the answer that really helped, who received - very well intentioned answers - filtrated from the life experience of the respondent that may or might not apply to the OP. 

Also for those who did not receive any reply to their own thread, or felt ignored as well as those who need an objective approach to their issue.

Of course are welcomed those who disagree with certain subjects and want to understand why we do approach them.


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

12345Person said:


> I want a pony.


I am really glad for you. We all need to have goals in life. However this thread is mostly intended for adults 
So if you are an adult you might understand a pony may not be able to sustain your body mass so if you want to take up horse ridding you may want to consider going to a club and then get a large loan to be able to buy, care and maintain a horse


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

edgya1234 said:


> I am really glad for you. We all need to have goals in life. However this thread is mostly intended for adults
> So if you are an adult you might understand a pony may not be able to sustain your body mass so if you want to take up horse ridding you may want to consider going to a club and then get a large loan to be able to buy, care and maintain a horse


I don't know, Edgy. Are you sure if I bare my soul you can actually solve my problem? 

Okay, WTH, I'll try it. 

My H leaves the toilet seat up. I would have fell in numerous times if my butt wasn't so big. Which is another problem I hope you can solve. 

Okay, just kidding (although he does leave the seat up). Seriously, though it is good that you want to help people instead of dwelling on things you can't change. Maybe you can just continue to offer responses in the various threads where people are seeking help. I don't know what it is about human nature but a thread like this just invites jokes, ya know? Maybe someone who really needs help will bite, though.

ETA: you really are funny too! In a good way.


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

committed4ever said:


> I don't know, Edgy. Are you sure if I bare my soul you can actually solve my problem?
> 
> Okay, WTH, I'll try it.
> 
> ...


Thanks commited4ever, I know I actually have a solution for your discontent with your husband 
1. Tape your toiled set he will understand the meaning
2. Place a sheet of paper like in the club/restaurants toilets in front at the eye level saying something like:
"Please respect the environment and the members of this household and ALWAYS THINK of PUTTING THE TOILET SEAT DOWN"

Hmm what do you say to this Actually I am funny. And if I brought you a smile I've done something...


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

edgya1234 said:


> Thanks commited4ever, I know I actually have a solution for your discontent with your husband
> 1. Tape your toiled set he will understand the meaning
> 2. Place a sheet of paper like in the club/restaurants toilets in front at the eye level saying something like:
> "Please respect the environment and the members of this household and ALWAYS THINK of PUTTING THE TOILET SEAT DOWN"
> ...


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

I might just try this! I know at least it will give him a laugh in the middle of the night.


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## englem007 (Apr 1, 2014)

Edgya,you do have a good sense of humor and have given some good advice on other threads. So hopefully this thread will take off....
Most people wont know what's going on with my whole story we've been talking about,guess they can read my threads...
So like I was saying before my GF and I did our own things this weekend..she called me several times yesterday to see what I was doing..she seemed in a really good mood.. Today I tried to call her couple diff times throughout day..no answer..been frustrating.. in past it seems she doesn't pick up when I call.but when she calls I pick up..anyways...so I texted her later on saying hey how's it going what u up to?? She responds..nothing,been sleeping on couch all day...I said oh u ok,feeling bad? She responds in fine!!!

I said ok,just worry about you!!! She responds with "don't"
I was thinking damn that was cold!! Could feel the cold air through the phone!!!! So I waited a little bit,and was pissed,so I texted her back...said it's frustrating when u feel bad,u act like I shouldn't care about you..I said I always will care cuz I love you...I texted her one last time and said although your dealing with a lot and I feel for ya, and wish I had the magic answer for you to get better..but I luv u so much...and left it at that... Just frustrating a hell with her sometimes...I try and be super nice and I think a good BF to her,and feel like I get **** on sometimes....frustrated :/


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

I initially came here for help in re-engaging my husband in our marriage (I had run out of ideas) and was given the answer (a consensus) that my marriage “was dead” and to leave.

Our DD20 is old enough that divorce will not affect her adversely; in fact she has been wanting me to leave him since she started university 3 years ago. Heck, I have been advised by 2 psychologists to leave or at the very least to live separately. I am not really suffering, however living with him is like having a withdrawn, critical and uncooperative roommate and, he has been like this since the late 1990’s. Life for us changed at that time when his sister died and we became the parents of DD20 (then 5 yo). He changed almost immediately and has not been the same since. He was slowly withdrawing from me for several years prior but it seems like that event (and becoming parents) was the “final straw”. No amount of love and caring would snap him out of it … I tried, no luck.

I have approached the decision to leave as a cost/benefit analysis and the only negative I can come up with is the health risks of living alone at this life stage. I am currently 57 yo and still healthy and active, however I know that eventually I will need help, i.e. I could have a sudden stroke, a fall, etc. I know he will not help me with those things even if I stayed with him because he has a long history of refusing to help me during medical emergencies but at least he might call an ambulance. I have to figure out if I can purchase some type of “panic button” service to get help if I need it … does anyone know if such a thing exists?

Assisted living is out of the question at this point, it would drive me nuts I think to be in that type of environment … I mean, I still coach a cross-country team, train working dogs and do biathlons. I cannot be the only woman in the world facing the later stages of her life alone so I suppose I should just stop fretting about it and do it. 

Ack, I get so fed up with myself sometimes.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Red Sonja, wasn't there a commercial years ago where the lady said "I've fallen and I can't get up!" I think that's for a personal emergency alert system that you can buy for yourself.

ETA: It was called Life Alert. I googled "I've fallen and I can't get up!", haha.

http://www.lifealert.com


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

12345Person said:


> I want a pony.


Here you go


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

edgya1234 said:


> Thanks commited4ever, I know I actually have a solution for your discontent with your husband
> 1. Tape your toiled set he will understand the meaning
> 2. Place a sheet of paper like in the club/restaurants toilets in front at the eye level saying something like:
> "Please respect the environment and the members of this household and ALWAYS THINK of PUTTING THE TOILET SEAT DOWN"
> ...


When I was in high school, some students did something like this. The sign read "Flush twice, it's a long way to the cafeteria."


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

englem007 said:


> Edgya,you do have a good sense of humor and have given some good advice on other threads. So hopefully this thread will take off....
> Most people wont know what's going on with my whole story we've been talking about,guess they can read my threads...
> So like I was saying before my GF and I did our own things this weekend..she called me several times yesterday to see what I was doing..she seemed in a really good mood.. Today I tried to call her couple diff times throughout day..no answer..been frustrating.. in past it seems she doesn't pick up when I call.but when she calls I pick up..anyways...so I texted her later on saying hey how's it going what u up to?? She responds..nothing,been sleeping on couch all day...I said oh u ok,feeling bad? She responds in fine!!!
> 
> ...


What we really, really call love according to science is a lot of dopamine released in the brain (dopamine is responsible for making us feeling euphoric and it is literally like a drug). This is the reason for when the other acts cold we still hope that there will be times where we will get the same euphoric like reaction. And we are hooked. 
However the situation could be exactly as she says. She does not feel well and sometimes that unwell feeling causes some very visceral reactions. Like in "I don't feel well and he wants to be love dovey". 
Think about it and put yourself in her shoes - imagine you have a bad cold, and you fall asleep from the meds, than your girlfriend texts you and calls you and she wants you to act as you would be 100% healthy. How will you act? There will not be any ounce of irritation? 
Please stop with the I love you's all the time. Words like this are meant to have meaning. When one is telling them all the time, well, they kind of don't. 
I will give her some space and let her call few times and when you decide to pick up establish a time in the same day where you two can talk - from an assertive point of view.


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

Red Sonja said:


> I initially came here for help in re-engaging my husband in our marriage (I had run out of ideas) and was given the answer (a consensus) that my marriage “was dead” and to leave.
> 
> Our DD20 is old enough that divorce will not affect her adversely; in fact she has been wanting me to leave him since she started university 3 years ago. Heck, I have been advised by 2 psychologists to leave or at the very least to live separately. I am not really suffering, however living with him is like having a withdrawn, critical and uncooperative roommate and, he has been like this since the late 1990’s. Life for us changed at that time when his sister died and we became the parents of DD20 (then 5 yo). He changed almost immediately and has not been the same since. He was slowly withdrawing from me for several years prior but it seems like that event (and becoming parents) was the “final straw”. No amount of love and caring would snap him out of it … I tried, no luck.
> 
> ...


So you have an adoptive daughter and you have no children of your own and you are basically afraid of what might could happen in the future if "the prodigal if" you will fell etc. 
However right now you are healthy and well right? You are even staying in a great physical shape? I also suppose you have great friends and at 57, in very good shape and very healthy you are however very far from the end of your life. And also do not forget you have your adoptive daughter, I suppose you do have feelings for each other. 
From what you are saying, you were living in a sort of a traumatic environment provided by your husband - I am not saying live but take a break. Take a long vacation where you go see other places like Europe, India - go and rediscover yourself as in Eat, Pray, Love. 
Go ahead and give yourself permission to live for a while! Forget about everything, forget about stress, forget about decisions, just live. And then during this journey of self discovery learn to love that amazing, fabulous woman that is behind all those worries and stress. Know her for who she is, see that she is still beautiful and young at heart and at body although her years say otherwise. And maybe during this self discovery trip you will realize your life is really, really, really far from over, that the time of thinking at terminal years is too far ahead and that you deserve a real life, not a simulation where you prepare yourself for what if. 
Let yourself laugh, get a make over, make new friends and maybe, just maybe give yourself permission to fall in love again. You are not too old for anything, this is just a conditioning. Maybe all those therapists should have focused on you not on your husband, honey do not wary, go and live, he will still be there if you want him when you come back. But maybe than, you will be a different you and may decide to move to Italy and live the rest of your life with another mad that won your heart - just saying - really in what we can get for ourselves and what we can create - up and down have no limits. 
There is something I love and I always want to remember - that the world belongs to those that believe in the beauty of their dreams! So start dreaming Sonja and see what comes out of it.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

When I posted my first thread so many people were helpful. Some of it was pretty raw, but I'd been lurking long enough I'd seen the bashing that goes on. It's worse for WS but it can be pretty harsh on the BS (me) as well. 

You have to have thick skin to air your issues to the world. You never know who's going to chime in and tell you ugly things about yourself. 

Some folks come back and tone down, but often they post, you bleed a little, and move on. Hopefully you get good advice. 

I try to read carefully and put myself in the other person's shoes. It's not always possible to do this well, but you do the best you can. If you can't get in their head, you can't help them.


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

doubletrouble said:


> When I posted my first thread so many people were helpful. Some of it was pretty raw, but I'd been lurking long enough I'd seen the bashing that goes on. It's worse for WS but it can be pretty harsh on the BS (me) as well.
> 
> You have to have thick skin to air your issues to the world. You never know who's going to chime in and tell you ugly things about yourself.
> 
> ...


In my case I've read a lot about knowing oneself and I think this is a very big issue in our society: we forget how to focus on the most important person in our life: oneself 
I guess if we love ourselves, learn to be comfortable with oneself this leads to emotional stability and a higher coefficient of what they are now calling EQ - emotional intelligence . 
We realize that the button for happiness and pain is literally in our grasp and being happy attracts more people around us. Sometime among those people we may be so lucky to find a real friend, a person that resonates with us at every level.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

You can't love anyone else if first you don't love yourself. 

I've had a few female friends who resonated with me really well. Sometimes I wonder if I didn't pass on "the one," looking for "perfect Empress of the Universe."

I'll never know. Pointless now to wonder eh?


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

doubletrouble said:


> You can't love anyone else if first you don't love yourself.
> 
> I've had a few female friends who resonated with me really well. Sometimes I wonder if I didn't pass on "the one," looking for "perfect Empress of the Universe."
> 
> I'll never know. Pointless now to wonder eh?


Oh so true words were never spoken. As a matter of fact a person who does not know or does not love herself/ himself does not know what he or she wants and usually tends to gravitate towards certain personality traits that might or might not be good for that certain person. 
There is no " perfect Empress of the Universe" however there is a perfect Empress for your Universe and if you are lucky enough you might not miss her or you already met her.
What my grandfather used to say so prosaically that every plant has its shadow.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> When I was in high school, some students did something like this. The sign read "Flush twice, it's a long way to the cafeteria."


Just watch out for the saran wrap trick. 

Baaad juju!


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

edgya1234 said:


> Oh so true words were never spoken. As a matter of fact a person who does not know or does not love herself/ himself does not know what he or she wants and *usually tends to gravitate towards certain personality traits that might or might not be good for that certain person.*
> There is no " perfect Empress of the Universe" however there is a perfect Empress for your Universe and if you are lucky enough you might not miss her or you already met her.
> What my grandfather used to say so prosaically that every plant has its shadow.


There are also many wolves in sheep's clothing. Sometimes it's hard to tell.


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