# husbands infidelity and he works out of town



## my life (Dec 4, 2013)

First time on here but I really need input. Sorry so long. Three weeks ago I accidently discovered my husband had a private email, so I got into it. He has been on Craigslist posting on casual encounters. It has been going on for 4 yrs, we have been married 6 yrs. He has posted for msw and msm. I was shocked, never saw it coming. He works out of town. I no longer work outside the house because he wanted me to travel with him when possible. I thought our lives were about as happy as it can be. We have healthy sex life, we were best friends, our children are grown so we vacation often. We hang out together constantly when he's home. I would have called him clingy almost. When away he calls 3-4 times a day, always saying he loves me... He swears he has never had physical contact with anyone. Says he will never do anything like that again, agrees to counseling, whatever it takes. I told him I needed to know the whole truth and if I find out anything was left out I am filing for divorce. I am in counseling now and he will be going when he comes in from work. I feel like my marriage is a lie, now there is no trust. He used his real name, gave out his phone number, sent out his picture and on some posts told where he was staying at when he would be there. Can I ever learn to trust or should I even try. He also did this in the town we live in.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Counseling is a must. 

Look at this...http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Do you really want to stay with him? He was unfaithful (even if he did nothing) during what many would call the honeymoon period. You don't mention children, so if there are none, really think about why you want to stay with him.

While you do that, a couple of things you need to do:

1. Print off the emails and go through his sent and deleted folders. Save the evidence.

2. Demand to see his phone. Make him hand it over. See if you can recover deleted texts. Check call records with your service.

3. Give him one chance to tell you everything. Then demand he take a lie detector. It is less about what that will tell you and more about scaring him into telling you everything.

4. Get tested for STDs and demand that he does as well. At this point, you can't trust him, so watch out for yourself.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

So you found out your husband is not only a cheater but a bi sexual cheater who put your personal health and safety at risk (real name and address to Craigslist hookups?)

What would make you consider staying? You honestly believe he was just browsing all this time.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Six years and he lied to you for four? He put your health at a major risk? This is not what best friends do.

I'm sorry this is tough news bit should not be a tough choice for you, especially if your kids are grown. 

Best of luck with counseling.


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## amr1977 (Mar 2, 2013)

Get tested ASAP.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

amr1977 said:


> Get tested ASAP.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

You cannot believe a word your husband says right now. You need to get STD tested and you also need to be given passwords for EVERYTHING on his computer and phone. Ask for the passwords and then sit down right away and have a long look at everything. Don't give him time to delete anything. Look at texts, bank accounts, credit cards, emails, browser history, EVERYthing.

Tell him you've booked a polygraph for him too. Then see if his story changes.

If it were me I'd have kicked him out already. When my husband did something similar I couldn't stand the thought of being under the same roof as he was.


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## my life (Dec 4, 2013)

Thank you all for your input, everything is swimming around in my head right now. 

1. I have already gotten tested, all negative. 
2. His checks all come to the house so I handle the money. 
3. Since I have been seeing a counselor I asked him if he was willing to do a polygraph that counselor can set up and he agreed. 
4. Printed off the 2 emails he had on private email. 
5. I changed all his psswords so that I could go over them. 
6. I had him sign something explaining what I expected now which meaning I must be given access and passwords to everything including phone and laptop. It also stated if I found out about one lie, divorce. That he must go to counseling together and separate. I also told him this was no guarantee that we will get through this. 7. Our children are grown, we are both in our 50's, and I wouldn't tell them but if this didn't work he would have to tell them the whole story. 
8. I will not wear my wedding rings until I feel we are in a committed marriage and he broke our vows, not me. 
9. He also had to change his phone number.
10. I sat down with him and I read ALL his personal ads out loud to him.
I check his private emails and haven't gotten any emails from anyone just those mass things that are sent out. Of course my heart wants to believe there was no physical contact but my mind knows there could have been. I know what he done was ruin our marriage is all ways but it doesn't change the fact that he has his good points. Good father to our mixed family, very good grandfather. He helped me so much when I lost my parents in the same year. He took my mom to all her treatments because I was working. I want to build a marriage with him just not sure if I can ever trust him. I know the only way a marriage can work especially when he works out of town as much as he does is to have trust.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I don't know about you, but if my husband had done that he would NEVER be working out of town ever again. Ever. If he chose his job over me it would be over, because no matter what he did or how remorseful he was I couldn't handle him continuing to work away overnight and stay married to him.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Depending on his email you may be able to retrieve deleted emails. My counseling load has been heavy the past two days and I have to prepare for two group sessions in two locked psych units, so my mind is a little fried. I am not sure which email accounts allow you to retrieve deleted emails, my wife had gmail, yahoo, excite, hotmail and others, so I don't remember, but one allowed you to pull up deleted emails from within 30 days. I would give it a try.


I seriously doubt that your husband did not have sex. Trolling on CL for all those years, for men and women, being out of town, I would say with almost 100% accuracy that your husband did the deed.

If you set the bar for no lies and you expect him not to lie, you are going to be in for a surprise if you believe him. Cheaters lie. It is part of their script, they all have the same playbook. Expect him to trickle truth you. I will say this again, he will lie. He will be good at lying.


I will say this again. If your husband was trolling on CL for 4 years, I will guarantee that he hooked up for sex. When I thought my wife was trolling CL earlier this year, I really got a shock when I looked on the casual sex section. I could have gotten just about anything in a short period of time. I even contacted a person and was surprised when they responded. I just wanted to see if this stuff worked. And man, there are people out there willing to do just about anything.

If your husband is good at compartmentalization he can shut this stuff off and pretend to be focused on you. 

Don't believe anything he says unless you can get proof.


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## Trader1 (Oct 27, 2013)

Married 6 years and your children are grown...:scratchhead:


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## my life (Dec 4, 2013)

Trader1 said:


> Married 6 years and your children are grown...:scratchhead:


I had 2 children and he had one. But we considered them our children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

my life said:


> Thank you all for your input, everything is swimming around in my head right now.
> 
> 1. I have already gotten tested, all negative.
> 2. His checks all come to the house so I handle the money.
> ...



You just gave us a 10 point checklist of why it's all going to be OK. So I'm not sure what your question is. 

IMO You can have every safeguard in place and bottom line: He has shown you who he is and how little you matter. He put your safety and your marriage at risk. He is not to be trusted.

If you think you can trust him while he is on the road you are being foolish. I'm not trying to be mean it is just my opinion. Just because you get his paycheck doesn't mean he is paying for sex. Many people use Craigslist or Backpage for random and free sex/hookups. Lots of these ads with information end up on other sites.

Have you run a credit check recently?


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## my life (Dec 4, 2013)

Maybe I am being foolish. I know what's on his credit report. But I also know that mistakes can be made and you can be Sincere when you ask for forgiveness. I was hoping there would have at least been someone that felt like a marriage is worth at least trying to save. I've been divorced. I'm an independent person. I have survived cancer while single, I have also almost lost my 2 children and a grandchild. These things in life will teach you to either be strong or give up. I am going to counseling so that I can learn how to forgive if that is possible. I feel like I can not give up on my marriage unless I know we have done all we can do. I would hope if the shoe was on the other foot he would at least give me a chance to correct what I had done or he would at least see if our marriage was worth it. I do not know if we can survive this but I have to at least know I did all that could be done before I take this man out of my children and grandchildren's life. I won't jump into trusting him, I hope in time I can. This probably won't be the only thing foolish I ever do in life but at least I'll know I tried. Thank you all for the input.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sparzokm (Dec 5, 2013)

Depending on his email you may be able to retrieve deleted emails.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

my life

get the poly done.

Maybe he has never hooked up and had sex outside the marriage.

Your H needs serious counseling.

Not just for the lies in the marriage but because he has endangered you by putting his face and cell number as well as hometown out in public on Craigslist.

Good Luck

HM


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## my life (Dec 4, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> my life
> 
> get the poly done.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

What did he tell you was the reason he got divorced? 
Have you ever had the opportunity to speak to his ex-wife? 

Given his age and marital history, I would take a guess that this behavior did not just pop up out of nowhere.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

my life said:


> Maybe I am being foolish. I know what's on his credit report. But I also know that mistakes can be made and you can be Sincere when you ask for forgiveness. I was hoping there would have at least been someone that felt like a marriage is worth at least trying to save. I've been divorced. I'm an independent person. I have survived cancer while single, I have also almost lost my 2 children and a grandchild. These things in life will teach you to either be strong or give up. I am going to counseling so that I can learn how to forgive if that is possible. I feel like I can not give up on my marriage unless I know we have done all we can do. I would hope if the shoe was on the other foot he would at least give me a chance to correct what I had done or he would at least see if our marriage was worth it. I do not know if we can survive this but I have to at least know I did all that could be done before I take this man out of my children and grandchildren's life. I won't jump into trusting him, I hope in time I can. This probably won't be the only thing foolish I ever do in life but at least I'll know I tried. Thank you all for the input.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Mylife:

You must understand that many of the people who post here have been in your shoes. We have read stories similar to yours and I can just speak for myself now: there are a few things that quickly come to mind. 

You don't yet know the entire truth. Generally people who have been doing this type of stuff long term are so skilled at lying they forget the truth and how to tell it.

His travel for work is going to be a monumental challenge in rebuilding trust. Lets face it travel offers him the opportunity to do what he has been doing for more than half of your marriage. It leaves you will all sorts of time to wonder if he is telling the truth.

It takes work, and it is painful. Only you can decide if it is worth saving. I'm sorry I couldn't offer a more positive spin. Some of the things you found would be absolute dealbreakers for me. And my WH is wonderful and we had a 25 year history together...He has seen me through many challenges also. The difference is having parents die or getting cancer isn't a choice you made. He made the choice to ignore his vows to you. If you find a way to forgive that I think your insight and sharing by continuing to post will help others while you figure it out. 

Whatever you decide I wish you the best honestly. Don't take the warnings here as anything but people trying to point out things we often see/hear or have lived through.


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