# Feeling Flustered



## rocksteadcecilia (7 mo ago)

I really wasn't looking for anyone but dreaded the thought of being alone for the rest of my life, so I married my husband. He is/was a really great guy at first but things have been changing so much now, that I can't sleep most nights and I feel like I am on a constant verge of an anxiety attack. The first thing that happened is he started making all these really racist comments about all kinds of races and demographics. I am half Mexican, I don't agree with this at all. I come from a poor family. When my parents died I was left with very very little and I didn't complain. His dad and mom both left him a lot of money, so I guess he never really knew what it was like. It really hurts me because my mom was illegal but worked very darn hard until she became ill, and I don't look down on people because of the color of their skin or what they are going through in life. 

He makes these comments all the time to the point it really makes me want to throw up. Then there is this neighbor, that pretty much makes googly eyes at him and when he left his phone while he mowed grass, I had a suspicion and found some texts between them where she was outright hitting on him, she even invited him over for "some distraction" while I was almost dying in the hospital from COVID. He swears nothing happened or that he didn't go over, but he insists on remaining friends with her so much so, that he has made it a point to talk to her every single day on a group chat with me on it, kinda like rubbing it in my face their "friendship" I can't stand it. 

I have asked him several times to stop and he just won't. Then there is his temper, he used to beat the animals when he lost it, take his aggression out on them I put a stop to that, I threatened to leave and took the main animal in question to a safe place and made him get counseling which he complained about still to this day as totally unnecessary. 

Every time something goes wrong I can't do a darn thing right. He just twists my gut into knots as he expels his disgruntled behavior until he is satisfied or goes to bed, whichever is first. Sex is a mythical beast between us and when it happens it lasts like 2 minutes. Every time I try to initiate it, I am made fun of, or rejected most of the time. He also doesn't shower for days at a time and rarely if ever brushes his teeth. 

He complains that I don't do enough with him, but doing things with him is like grinding teeth cause he ALWAYS complains and makes the ordeal so miserable that getting a root canal seems like a better option, and he goes at things half-assed, he doesn't consult professionals, he consults youtube and swears by it, which is always wrong, which ends up draining out bank account on his latest ventures. He gets upset when I spend money and makes sure I know it, for example, 

I go get coffee and he will text me with an angry text what the hell cost $$$ at Starbucks, when in fact I make more money than him and he eats out every day and I bring lunch to work to conserve money and only go to Starbucks once in a while. It's been ages since I got my toes, nails, or eyebrows done because he spends it faster than I can make it. I want to go back to school, but I know right now the only way I am going to make it is if I get full funding, because I can't count on him to budget for the schooling at all. 

He is always putting us in grave danger of being penniless every paycheck. I am just so miserable, and I don't know what to do. My whole family expects me to fail in this marriage and I feel like I'm suffocating. I dream of finding a way to save up and move out on my own every day. I have been married now 3 times, and if I leave I don't ever want to get married again. I'm 52 now and just fed up! What do I do?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sorry but he sounds just totally disgusting. Beating animals alone would have had me running to the divorce courts and myself and the pets would have left the same day. I hope you have moved all the poor animals right away from him now.
Let alone the racism and the other woman and lack of self care. Just Yuk.
It's hard to know why you married such a disgusting, cruel, sick monster.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

rocksteadcecilia said:


> I really wasn't looking for anyone but dreaded the thought of being alone for the rest of my life, so I married my husband. He is/was a really great guy at first but things have been changing so much now, that I can't sleep most nights and I feel like I am on a constant verge of an anxiety attack. The first thing that happened is he started making all these really racist comments about all kinds of races and demographics. I am half Mexican, I don't agree with this at all. I come from a poor family. When my parents died I was left with very very little and I didn't complain. His dad and mom both left him a lot of money, so I guess he never really knew what it was like. It really hurts me because my mom was illegal but worked very darn hard until she became ill, and I don't look down on people because of the color of their skin or what they are going through in life. He makes these comments all the time to the point it really makes me want to throw up. Then there is this neighbor, that pretty much makes googly eyes at him and when he left his phone while he mowed grass, I had a suspicion and found some texts between them where she was outright hitting on him, she even invited him over for "some distraction" while I was almost dying in the hospital from COVID. He swears nothing happened or that he didn't go over, but he insists on remaining friends with her so much so, that he has made it a point to talk to her every single day on a group chat with me on it, kinda like rubbing it in my face their "friendship" I can't stand it. I have asked him several times to stop and he just won't. Then there is his temper, he used to beat the animals when he lost it, take his aggression out on them I put a stop to that, I threatened to leave and took the main animal in question to a safe place and made him get counseling which he complained about still to this day as totally unnecessary. Every time something goes wrong I can't do a darn thing right. He just twists my gut into knots as he expels his disgruntled behavior until he is satisfied or goes to bed, whichever is first. Sex is a mythical beast between us and when it happens it lasts like 2 minutes. Every time I try to initiate it, I am made fun of, or rejected most of the time. He also doesn't shower for days at a time and rarely if ever brushes his teeth. He complains that I don't do enough with him, but doing things with him is like grinding teeth cause he ALWAYS complains and makes the ordeal so miserable that getting a root canal seems like a better option, and he goes at things half-assed, he doesn't consult professionals, he consults youtube and swears by it, which is always wrong, which ends up draining out bank account on his latest ventures. He gets upset when I spend money and makes sure I know it, for example, I go get coffee and he will text me with an angry text what the hell cost $$$ at Starbucks, when in fact I make more money than him and he eats out every day and I bring lunch to work to conserve money and only go to Starbucks once in a while. It's been ages since I got my toes, nails, or eyebrows done because he spends it faster than I can make it. I want to go back to school, but I know right now the only way I am going to make it is if I get full funding, because I can't count on him to budget for the schooling at all. He is always putting us in grave danger of being penniless every paycheck. I am just so miserable, and I don't know what to do. My whole family expects me to fail in this marriage and I feel like I'm suffocating. I dream of finding a way to save up and move out on my own every day. I have been married now 3 times, and if I leave I don't ever want to get married again. I'm 52 now and just fed up! What do I do?


WHY do you stay with him? Would you really leave if you had the money?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I hope you're in the US, somewhere who will prosecute him for cruelty to animals. Texas will.


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## rocksteadcecilia (7 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> WHY do you stay with him? Would you really leave if you had the money?


no i don't think i would


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

rocksteadcecilia said:


> no i don't think i would


This man is incredibly cruel, he beats animals for no reason, I hope you have reported him for cruelty to animals and have got the other pets away from him.
Why do you stay with such an awful man?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why are you here?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@rocksteadcecilia You need a good divorce attorney.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

rocksteadcecilia said:


> which ends up draining out bank account on his latest ventures. He gets upset when I spend money and makes sure I know it, for example, I go get coffee and he will text me with an angry text what the hell cost $$$ at Starbucks, when in fact I make more money than him and he eats out every day and I bring lunch to work to conserve money and only go to Starbucks once in a while.


You need to separate your finances ASAP to protect your $$$ from him and his crazy schemes. You also need to make sure that HE cannot see anything about your accounts. What he is doing is flat-out manipulation on ALL fronts with you.
WHY do you put up with someone who demeans you, basically steals your $$, has NO personal hygiene (which is honestly gross -- how can you stand to be near him?), and BEATS animals? A person who can't be humane to an animal cannot be human to people.
FIRST get your financial house in order (i.e., cut him off), get to a lawyer to get a plan together, and if he ever touches your animals, call the police.


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## rocksteadcecilia (7 mo ago)

He stopped hurting the animals, cause I almost left, and I think I scared him with the cops. So he doesn't do that anymore, but the other stuff yeah, We sleep in different bedrooms cause I have sleep apnea and snore real loud, so I only notice his hygiene at "certain" times. I'm trying to do the right thing as being raised Christian first. Not everyone will agree, but I'm in a tight spot right now. For years I was on disability, and recently got off disability, my reward? A letter stating I got to pay back an enormous amount for getting off it.. It's not fair at all, and not correct so now I got to somehow get a lawyer and fight that. I am in the middle of getting my life back together after a massive nervous breakdown in 2013. For the first time I am seeing the light, just need to find my way out.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

While you are going through all that MAKE SURE you separate your funds so that he can't spend YOUR $$$ away.
If you don't you will be severely limited with regards to lawyers, etc. that you may need.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

rocksteadcecilia said:


> He stopped hurting the animals, cause I almost left, and I think I scared him with the cops. So he doesn't do that anymore, but the other stuff yeah, We sleep in different bedrooms cause I have sleep apnea and snore real loud, so I only notice his hygiene at "certain" times. I'm trying to do the right thing as being raised Christian first. Not everyone will agree, but I'm in a tight spot right now. For years I was on disability, and recently got off disability, my reward? A letter stating I got to pay back an enormous amount for getting off it.. It's not fair at all, and not correct so now I got to somehow get a lawyer and fight that. I am in the middle of getting my life back together after a massive nervous breakdown in 2013. For the first time I am seeing the light, just need to find my way out.


To be fair you have no idea what he does to the animals when you arent there. They are not safe in your home.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rocksteadcecilia said:


> He stopped hurting the animals, cause I almost left, and I think I scared him with the cops. So he doesn't do that anymore, but the other stuff yeah, We sleep in different bedrooms cause I have sleep apnea and snore real loud, so I only notice his hygiene at "certain" times. I'm trying to do the right thing as being raised Christian first. Not everyone will agree, but I'm in a tight spot right now. For years I was on disability, and recently got off disability, my reward? A letter stating I got to pay back an enormous amount for getting off it.. It's not fair at all, and not correct so now I got to somehow get a lawyer and fight that. I am in the middle of getting my life back together after a massive nervous breakdown in 2013. For the first time I am seeing the light, just need to find my way out.


You said that he was initially a really great guy? how long did you date him before you married him?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

rocksteadcecilia said:


> no i don't think i would


Then, that's that. you don't need to do a thing. Just keep living your existence as it is because that's all there is to do, since you won't leave. Enjoy.


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## jenny_1 (7 mo ago)

I think you know the answer. You have to get yet another divorce. Not wanting a third divorce is no reason to stay in a horrible relationship. And you don't have to get married again if you don't want to. There are plenty of divorced women you can befriend to keep you company. And you always have us here!


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