# Describe your pain



## HealthyMe (Jul 2, 2012)

The anguish I experienced in the aftermath of DD1 and the ensuing false R is the worst pain I have ever experienced. It is hard for me to even find the right words for it when talking with my FWH. I finally said to him this morning that it was so bad that I am no longer afraid of dying. Really.

How do you describe your pain, and how does it rank among your painful life experiences?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I have experienced a lot of pain in my life, physically and emotionally, but I don't think anything has come close to DD and the long aftermath.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

HealthyMe said:


> The anguish I experienced in the aftermath of DD1 and the ensuing false R is the worst pain I have ever experienced. It is hard for me to even find the right words for it when talking with my FWH. I finally said to him this morning that it was so bad that I am no longer afraid of dying. Really.
> 
> How do you describe your pain, and how does it rank among your painful life experiences?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Like someone had punched me in the chest and the stomach. I actually wished I were dead.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

I broke my leg, I healed and recovered;I broke my hand, I healed and recovered; I had a blood clot in my lungs from an injury and received Last Rights, I healed and recovered.

My Spouse cheated, I "R" but I have not completely healed or recovered. I will always have it.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

After the 2nd go-around with the same OW, when I finally got the truth of the extent of it after a few weeks of trickle-truth, I felt cold and numb inside. It finally hit me that I could not MAKE him do what I wanted him to do. I told him this. 

It scared him to see me so hurt and yet dead to it. I did not cry or plead with him. I told him he was a lying liar who lied and I was done with it. He could do what he wanted, I didn't care, I was done. I couldn't deal with it any more, the trying to get the truth and figure out the 'why'.

Now , 3 months later, it's fading some, but only because he has been doing all the right things. But still, when he is crabby or being obstinate, etc. it makes me wonder why, as this was how he was when he was in the middle of it, his way of dealing with what he was doing.

So, now it's more of a sadness for the innocence of a non-betrayed spouse lost. I can never get that back. This will always, always be in our history now. It makes me mad too.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

The night I found out it was as though a hand was gripping my heart and squeezing it as hard as possible. I couldn't breath properly and there was so much adrenalin that I went through cycles of extreme pain and withdrawal over the next 3 or 4 days. 

This meant that I was either in a state of extreme pain, panic and disbelief or one of withdrawal - shivering, shaking, unable to think or even talk. I had hypothermia once and the withdrawal stages were like that. 

The "pain" stages were far worse than the worse physical pain and discomfort I ever felt - that of having a corkscrew like "needle" being "screwed" slowly and forcefully without anaesthetic into my hip bone by a doctor that had to kneel on my leg and push as hard as he could to get it in there. That came a close second to a large needle being pushed between my ribs directly into my liver.

Once the initial, extreme physical pain had begun to abate I felt an acute physical and emotional pain which continues to today - 13 months after. 

It still hurts about the same as standing on a nail. I can feel it in my chest and my stomach.

Every minute of every day.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Describe my pain?

I died. Everything I was and everything I was going to be in that timeline died. I became an entirely new person for better or worse. The pain was so indescribably horrible that it was fatal. But I died a slow death. I slowly wasted away as the pain took over. It was physically and mentally draining. Every ounce of strength I had was consumed by the fire until I was a husk, a shell of a human being with nothing left inside but bitterness and hate. I lived in that hatred for years wallowing in the muck of human avarice until I finally burned through it and came out the other side reborn.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

D-day was the low point of my life. I've tried to think of the words to describe it, but haven't been able to. 14 months past it, I'm just numb, and I'm thankful. I can at least function like a normal human being, on the surface. An absolute nightmare.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

It killed the old Shadow. He's gone, poof, bye. Or maybe I'm the shadow now. You know what a shadow is? That bit of darkness behind every man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beautiful_day (Mar 28, 2013)

I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I lost so much weight I looked like a skeleton. My hair started to fall out. I couldn't cry and I couldn't sit still. If I did snatch a few moments sleep, the anxiety woke me up like I was being dragged to the surface by my chest. There was no rest or escape from it. I became desperate for a few moments peace, but it was relentless. 

I remember finding myself curled in the fetal position on the kitchen floor one night dry heaving in absolute desperation, having no idea what I should do or where to turn. The man who was supposed to be my best friend had suddenly, in a matter of moments on Dday, turned into a complete stranger. I've never felt so alone. 

Then the stillness came. I became frozen with anxiety. I'd sit for hours not moving, but with it all racing through my head. 

One afternoon, after a particularly painful revelation, I suddenly completely lost it ... hurled my tea cup at the wall and started screaming and screaming in absolute hysteria. Then I cried for four hours.

The anxiety prevented me from healing after some surgery, and I hemorrhaged one night, losing so much blood that it is a miracle that I survived. 

Then I started knitting. I knitted huge long scarves, and the biggest holey-est blanket known to womankind. It was absolute insanity but doing something repetitive helped a little. 

I walked my dog through the woods and cried all the way round for a whole winter. The snot would freeze on my face, and I would think to myself "This is it. This is my life now. This is who I am now". 

Slowly, slowly we worked our way through our reconciliation. Four and a half years passed. I was beginning to feel like my old self again, but doubts still niggled me. Then, on the 27th of March I discovered that he'd never stopped seeing her. All that work and agony had been for nothing. 

Did I go back to the fetal position on the kitchen floor? HECK NO !!! I jettisoned his arse so quick his feet hardly touched the floor. Barely three months later here I am. No trace of pain and immensely relieved to be rid of him forever. And what's more, I'm right back to my old self ... actually a better, wiser version of my old self.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

For years I lived with daily chronic pain that nearly paralyzed me. But today I am 90% pain free. 

How'd I do it?

I divorced her.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

beautiful_day said:


> I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I lost so much weight I looked like a skeleton. My hair started to fall out. I couldn't cry and I couldn't sit still. If I did snatch a few moments sleep, the anxiety woke me up like I was being dragged to the surface by my chest. There was no rest or escape from it. I became desperate for a few moments peace, but it was relentless.
> 
> I remember finding myself curled in the fetal position on the kitchen floor one night dry heaving in absolute desperation, having no idea what I should do or where to turn. The man who was supposed to be my best friend had suddenly, in a matter of moments on Dday, turned into a complete stranger. I've never felt so alone.
> 
> ...


Bravo b_d, again - bravo!!!!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Like my heart was going to burst, like my lungs were going to collapse and my head was going to explode. My eyes were swollen, I couldn't sleep. It was honestly worse than childbirth. The disorientation, the confusion, the pain of having to continue to go to work, wanting to burst into tears every minute of the day. It was awful


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

I was on tenterhooks with depression and other health issues which I felt I could beat - though I was already a non man. 

I was long time SAHD, still am, wondering who and what I was and what the hell I had become and how I had managed to get there. My self image was zero. But I had no idea how far I had sunk.

Since DDay 11 weeks ago I have finally had a mirror held up to my life by virtue of a slo mo reveal. And it keeps revealing. I'm being assaulted by a multi -headed hydra. That's how I would characterise it - a hydra that never sleeps but randomly snaps and rocks my world me every day.

And now this POSOM is taking me to court because he is a gutless mongrel. Being at my lowest emotionally is not enough - I'm now the bad guy as well.

Beyond all this sh!t I am meant to just get on with it - get over it and get on with it when everything except the beautiful integrity of my children has lost it's meaning. 

I had something special - my small world was special. It's borders pretty clear, it's meaning unquestioned. It all made such complete sense. Even at the lowest points, when my relationship with my partner had taken some direct hits I never questioned our validity as a couple. I may have been hopelessly naive but our world was intact.

The unwritten contract as a long term couple was binding. I was wrong, dead wrong. We both did everything but address the core of our distress. Together we neglected us. Cracks were obvious but still we were intact.

No more - all is fragmented. Departure day approaches.


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## Goodgrl (Jun 21, 2013)

It's worst than being in labor with no pain meds, I would rather go through that again than what I'm feeling.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

I have been beaten, physically, emotionally, and mentally abused but this betrayal was the worst thing I have had to live with. If this is called living. everyday I still cry, everyday my heart collapsed a little more. My rock has turned to sand and there is no hope for a future where I will be whole again. No dreams to replace those destroyed. I will forever be the worthless wife and not good enough for him to do the right things, the hard work but yet he wants to make this work.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I was some countries away on DDay1. I was lonely. Sick. Almost dead. Had no clue as to what to do.

I went to see her in a few days. As she described, TT, she told that she has not seen me like that even when my brother was killed in an accident. Not even when my father died.

How could I or anyone describe that pain?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Horizon said:


> And now this POSOM is taking me to court because he is a gutless mongrel. Being at my lowest emotionally is not enough - I'm now the bad guy as well.
> \


Suing on what grounds. I assume US since we are the lawyer capital of the universe.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_I had something special - my small world was special. It's borders pretty clear, it's meaning unquestioned. It all made such complete sense. Even at the lowest points, when my relationship with my partner had taken some direct hits I never questioned our validity as a couple. I may have been hopelessly naive but our world was intact._

Well put. Most of us felt the same way, through whatever challenges there were, we would always be together because we loved each other.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I feel cheated, period.

The one person in the whole world that should always have my back in life, betrayed me. It's a life-altering and core-shaking experience.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

And one more thing, I could never forgive that betrayal.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

DDay has forever killed the person I used to be. That person loved his wife dearly and fully trusted her without hesitation. The emotional pain on that night and weeks to come is so awful it feels like physical pain. I remember shaking with anger and wanting to seek out the OM to take justice in my own hands. I let her talk me down and trickle truth me that night before I found TAM. Decide i'm bigger than this and can fix this situation to find out days later we are in a fake R and she's still in contact. All the lies and deceit hurt just as bad as the act. The mother of my child and best friend who is supposed to be there with me to the end through the ups and downs is playing me. For days I could literally see my heartbeat through my shirt. My hands would shake uncontrollably from her betrayal and more so that she wouldn't come clean and admit anything. All my friends and family said they noticed the changes but I was in denial and never thought something like that could happen to me or our family. Boy was I wrong. 3 weeks out now and doing better but the pain and images are there 24-7. This wound will not close for a very long time. Completely blindsided.


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## Onmyway (Apr 25, 2012)

Hmm, I will try to describe it a bit by starting with my post in Dealing with grief and loss.



Onmyway said:


> *Sigh* I just wish my life wouldn't be so messed up, it's never ending, why won't this stop. I don't know how much more I can take. Every time that I start feeling better something else comes along to throw a wrench in the machine that is my life.
> 
> It all started when I was less than two years old, my dad was having an affair from the time my oldest sister was born, until after my youngest sister was born, for around 4 years. My mom caught him and divorced him, me and my two sisters were given to my grandma (his mom) to raise, my dad wound up marrying his AP and they are still together today. Neither of my parents wanted anything to do with us while we were growing up, and they hated each other, I never seen them talk or have anything to do with each other. I remember being 8 years old and crying because I seen my friends doing things with their dads, I felt so odd growing up with my grandparents raising me.
> 
> ...


That's just a short version of course, I left out some thing, such as no support from my family when I started college, just a lot of comments from them about how me going to college was just a waste of time.

My W's A was worse than anything by far, I seen our M as the shining beacon in my sh*t life, I had someone that I could love unconditionally, someone that I could finally trust. I thought that no matter what else happened in my life, that I would always have her. 

That has all been torn from me in exchange for her trying her luck with a 27 year old college drop out that didn't work and lived with his grandmother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Horizon said:


> I was on tenterhooks with depression and other health issues which I felt I could beat - though I was already a non man.
> 
> I was long time SAHD, still am, wondering who and what I was and what the hell I had become and how I had managed to get there. My self image was zero. But I had no idea how far I had sunk.
> 
> ...


Why is it taking you to court?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Everafter2013 (Feb 11, 2013)

I am sure I stopped breathing for a second. Like some said here, I felt like someone punched me in my stomach while ripping off my heart at the same time. 

I wish I could learn it any other way, but if there is something positive out of the whole thing: I realize I am much stronger than I thought I was.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> For years I lived with daily chronic pain that nearly paralyzed me. But today I am 90% pain free.
> 
> How'd I do it?
> 
> I divorced her.


strange how that chronic pain builds. So very slowly, that you almost adapt, but yet you dont. Loosing small pieces of yourself until many years down the road, there is nothing left of the real you.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Like my heart had been ripped out. I still get the punch to the gut feeling each time I see she has called him or sent a nasty pic. Can't wait for this mess to be over so I can move on with my life. I just get a sick feeling each time I think about how bold they are and that they could care less how it makes me feel.

Sad thing is they both have been cheated on in the past, so they know how it feels.


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## HealthyMe (Jul 2, 2012)

For 9 months I got up and tried to get through the day the best that I knew how. I kept my [email protected]#t together in front of the kids, I got a job.and kept the household running. But I was wasting away and I couldn't stop the intrusive thoughts and pounding heart. These symptoms were relentless, but would spike with the sound of my FWH's cellphone or some other trigger. It would take me hours to get my heart rate down after being triggered. Then one day it hit me that I had a form of PTSD and that I needed medical help. I agree with those that have likened this to dying a slow death. That is why I am no longer afraid of it.

The old me who who was a pushover is gone. I am a much healthier version of myself. And I am not afraid of dying.



.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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