# Fantasy or reality



## trying her best (Jan 10, 2013)

Hi, I have a question and I hope it does not come across as strange. My husband and I have gone through a hard time lately. He has a female coworker for the past 6 years who he said he never spoke to. Then we were invited to a party which some of his fellow workers were going to and he said it would be best if we did not go. He admitted that he had in fact being talking to this female coworker for years and they had got on like a house on fire and were friendly in work( this shocked and hurt me as I did not know why he had to lie.)

He said he had said things to her about his fellow workers and she had went back and told them everything he had said and as a result he had being getting a hard time in work which he had kept to himself. I got angry and asked did anything happen with this woman and he swore nothing happened that he liked her and he thought she liked him as a person. 

One of the big problems for me is that over the previous year i had a feeling he was fantasying about someone when we were in bed, he used talk about what he would like me to do and describe very detailed and specific clothing and would say he was imagining me going into the bathroom and giving him my underwear and he then going to the bathroom etc. 
I am now rightly or wrongly? relating this fantasy which was constant to him and this woman in work and thinking was he doing that stuff in work as the clothes he described are what she wears( I looked her up on facebook) 
After all this broke he also said he wanted me to give him a blowjob in the car and that he wanted me to ring him after and have fonesex with him about it. 
Again my thought went to had he done this with her and was now asking me to do ???? I want to know is that a normal man thing to do, to ask ur wife to do stuff you might have done with someone else? I am all confused. I know for a fact he was sexually fantasizing about her at the very least.
He seems genuinely sorry for lying and has started to attend counselling but I do not know weather i am right or not to believe him that nothing happened? I suppose i am trying to make a connection with the fantasy stuff and what was going on for him in work, as i know there is some connection. 
Thank you for reading.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I think they had a torrid sexual affair..
Then she broke up with him, but he kept remembering the stuff he did with her, and it turns him on.
He was hooked on her and her sex, that's why he's so specific about what you must wear when he's recreating the fantasies.

He is using you as his " prop ", much like an inflatable sex doll.

How is the sex between both of you ?


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## trying her best (Jan 10, 2013)

The sex between us was always good ( so i thought). Just to specify I didnt do any of this fantasy stuff, it was stuff he would talk about when we were doing oral sex on each other. It was fantasy talk, but i felt it was related to someone one specific at the time, and i now relate it to this woman. I was wondering was it possible for men to voice through fantasy with their wife what they were actually doing with someone else? 
I dont know what to think any more, he said he stopped talking to her because he felt she was getting a bit dangerous, that he ended up not trusting her and decided to start avoiding her and then she back stabbed him to fellow workers.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

It sounds very much to me as though he had an affair with the woman. Why else would he have gone out of his way to lie about simply talking to her?

Also, the specific fantasy instructions sound pretty bizarre to me. Rather like he's trying to re-live something, rather than fantasize about it.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm not as convinced he actually did anything physical with her. My suspicion is he had these fantasies about her and perhaps crossed the line with her at work and is now avoiding her.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

trying her best said:


> . . . . I want to know is that a normal man thing to do, to ask ur wife to do stuff you might have done with someone else? I am all confused. I know for a fact he was sexually fantasizing about her at the very least. . . .


Nope. That is creepy and weird. I think it's time you and buddy boy sit down and had a come to Jesus as to what’s been goin’ on?


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## MegD (Dec 24, 2012)

The detail is odd & I agree he was thinking about this women while with you, but maybe you shouldn't jump to he had an affair. It's also totally possible he had these thought and acted them out in his head while in bed with you... Which is still wrong, but it's not cheating.
One key factor would decide if this is a possibility... IF he has been vary detailed with fantasies in the past that included things you've never done with him, he may be a visual, but faithful person... If he pulled from previous experiences with you when he talked to you in bed before this woman came into the picture, he cheated.


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## trying her best (Jan 10, 2013)

Thank you all so much for your replies. I have had so many conversations with him over this and he just keeps saying the same things, nothing happened, he got sucked into listening to her sob stories and he liked her as a person. He also admitted to giving her a lift in town after work about 4 times over the years. I cant help thinking something physical happened, and i am all over the place and unsure weather to stay in this or make a stand and leave for awhile. Maritime Guy what do you mean when you say he might have crossed the line in work with her? Thank you.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, this is what I saw as a red flag:-



> He has a female coworker for the past 6 years who he said he never spoke to.


He's gone from the above to listening to her "sob stories" to giving her a lift. Why would he lie about this?

Coupled with his rather unusual sexual behaviour, I don't blame you for being concerned.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Sorry but it sounds fishy to me too. There is a woman at my office that I fantasize about too (hard to fantasize about a wife who thinks sex is an afterthought.. :-( ) but it wouldn't keep me from bringing my wife to a work gathering. I would personally be HIGHLY suspicious.


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## trying her best (Jan 10, 2013)

Hi frustr8dhubby, he said the reason he didnt want to go to the work gathering was because his fellow workers were pissed with him for talking about them and now had a low opinion of him. Its all a mess really.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

I read that but I don't buy it. Sounds like a lot of lies upon lies. Whether or not they were physical I would be very concerned over the amount of lies.

But I do wish you luck!


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## trying her best (Jan 10, 2013)

Thank you and yes i totally agree about the lies, he was lying for so long that its hard to know when hes actually telling the truth now. It head wrecking.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I bet he had an affair.

He doesn't want you at the company party because he's been telling her how you don't understand him, you're a b!tch, you never have sex... and then you'd walk in on his arm and look like the perfect couple and she'd be "WTF???".

So he makes up this story how all the guys hate him, etc... and begs off the party. I don't think so.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

That would have been a fun test to attend the party, start talking to the woman in a casual way, introduce yourself as the wife, and casually mention something about the difficulty of living with HIV. If her eyes get HUGE, you know something happened.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

trying her best said:


> Maritime Guy what do you mean when you say he might have crossed the line in work with her?


My thinking is things got flirty and ever more dangerous until at some point one or both of them realized they had gone too far. Now it's really awkward.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

If you REALLY want to know...

1. Tell him you DON'T believe him. 
He is doing the 'trickle truth'. First he never spoke to her, then they did speak, but she back-stabbed him to coworkers with negative opinions of them, then he listened to her sob stories, then they were alone in his vehicle....yeah, how many years until he gets to the part where SOMEONE had at least SOME of their clothes off?

2. Tell him if he wants to STAY MARRIED to you, he WILL consent to a lie detector test! 
You have to be willing to walk away if he refuses the test or if you hear deal-breakers on the lie detector test.

You ARE being played for a fool! If you believe you husband has NEVER touched this woman (and vice versa) to some degree, you are deluding yourself. The whole excuse about the work party is BS. You should AT THE VERY LEAST have yourself checked for STDs and let him KNOW you're being tested! 

It's up to YOU whether you can live with a liar which he has REPEATEDLY proven himself to be (read paragraph #1). What else he has lied about and you don't know about COULD KILL YOU!


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

ShawnD said:


> That would have been a fun test to attend the party, start talking to the woman in a casual way, introduce yourself as the wife, and casually mention something about the difficulty of living with HIV. If her eyes get HUGE, you know something happened.


I'm sorry but THAT is beautiful!!


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## JTL (Dec 14, 2009)

ShawnD said:


> That would have been a fun test to attend the party, start talking to the woman in a casual way, introduce yourself as the wife, and casually mention something about the difficulty of living with HIV. If her eyes get HUGE, you know something happened.


I just about sent a mouthful of coffee through my nose with this! Very funny.

Anyways, to the OP. You don't really know anything right now other than he has lied multiple times. I agree it could be he cheated, but it really could be any number of other plausable explanations given so far. You don't know and, possibly more troubling, you may never know. You must decide what you think you can actually find out, what you can or cannot live with. Can you live with him knowing he lied? How about if he doesn't do it again? Can you live with him having cheated? Can you live with never knowing? What if he was infatuated with this woman and tried to cheat and was turned away? It's a perfectly reasonable explanation that goes no further to solving your dilemma. Figure out why he lied and kept things from you. Is he unhappy in your relationship? Is he naturally a wanderer? You have a tough road ahead.


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## charlieko (Jan 7, 2013)

I have a different opinion than most of the people here. Don't be too quick to think your husband had an affair. A lot of men and women fantasize about sex. It might be that he had been fantasizing those things for a long time. It's possible that woman triggered something in him that he wanted to let it out. Maybe she was the kind of woman he had been fantasizing. I don't know... but if you have been having great sex with him, I doubt he was cheating on you.

If you accuse him of anything he didn't do, it will only worsen the situation. Give your a husband what he wants (you know what I mean) and talk to him why he lied to you in a gentle way. If you love him, attack him with kindness and love.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Contact her on face book.

Insist on going to the party with your husband. Tell him if he has nothing to hide, he will go with you.


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

charlieko said:


> I have a different opinion than most of the people here. Don't be too quick to think your husband had an affair. A lot of men and women fantasize about sex. It might be that he had been fantasizing those things for a long time. It's possible that woman triggered something in him that he wanted to let it out. Maybe she was the kind of woman he had been fantasizing. I don't know... but if you have been having great sex with him, I doubt he was cheating on you.
> 
> If you accuse him of anything he didn't do, it will only worsen the situation. Give your a husband what he wants (you know what I mean) and talk to him why he lied to you in a gentle way. If you love him, attack him with kindness and love.


I agree with this too. Do not jump on the cheating bandwagon too fast. I have a fetish of mine for the longest time I was so incredibly embarresed of and did not want to tell my wife because I did not want to be judged.

I began reading online and lots of men have this fetish, I like womens feet.. and the smell drives me mad (not really smelly just a faint musky smell) anyway I never wanted to tell her this but I would fantasize about it ALOT. At work, in the summer when women wore open toe shoes and sandles, and it just got to the point where I could not hide it anymore. 

I told her and now she endulges me with her lovely feet when she comes home from work. I smell them, lick them, etc and since then it has helped my desire.

May have been a little TMI about me, but the point is, talk it out.. feel him out. Do not flip out on him when he walks through the door and question him, just talk about it, but be commanding enough to convey how serious you are.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

I have to say I've never fantasized about another woman when having sex. My fantasies of other women tend to be fleeting... ie imagining what I'd do to the hot girl standing in line beside me at the store.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I have to say I've never fantasized about another woman when having sex. My fantasies of other women tend to be fleeting... ie imagining what I'd do to the hot girl standing in line beside me at the store.


:iagree:

That's why i think his behaviour is a huge red flag.

I have never fantasized about another woman when having sex, it breaks my concentration.
Fantasizing about other women mostly works during masturbation.
[ IMO.]


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Contact her on face book.
> 
> Insist on going to the party with your husband. Tell him if he has nothing to hide, he will go with you.


:iagree:

If the party is still on, tell him you want to go and observe his response.


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## trying her best (Jan 10, 2013)

The party was 4 nights ago and he did not want to go, hes really shaky at the moment and to be honest i was afraid to push to go. He said he is now sitting on his own for breaks in work etc... Some of his co-workers still blanking him and making smart comments over what he said about them,( I can understand why they would be angry, he should never have spoken badly of his fellow workers) and is going to counselling weekly still. He said he is afraid to say anything as he is afraid this woman will say more or make up stuff about him.( I told him this is giving her power over him and he needs to make a stand for himself, he said he is working on this with his counsellour. I do think something happened with this woman or was at the very least close to happening, and he may be afraid she might say it, I dont know. I do feel he has learned a huge lesson from this and it has certainly opened my eyes as to his behavior. He still swears nothing happened and hes sticking to that. I feel if he came out with the truth as to why hes so afraid of her it might help blow the whole thing out of the water. 
I have had to ease back on the questioning as he seemed very down in the last 7 days, visiting his fathers grave twice, and did not want to push over the edge so to speak. Thank you all for taking the time to reply and I would appreciate any further comments. I myself have also went to speak to someone as I felt and still do at a total loss to make sense of all this.


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