# Soldier needing advice



## harmonk (Oct 7, 2012)

So just as the title says im a soldier who needs a little advice.. 

Me and my wife got married a short while ago right before i left for basic training, we had only been together for 2 years and i thought i would be doing the right thing and get married (my family all agreed) and well hers didnt quite get it. 

We had a great relationship before i left, had small fights but nothing we didnt recover from before we went to sleep at night.. But when i left it all started to go down hill..

in the begining at basic training (LIMITED communication, Hand written letters and no phone till my 6th week of 10) i was getting letters everyday that made me so happy, but as time went on the letters started to slowing down and i would get one every two days, and that didnt bug me to much as she worked alot.. But once i got to my phone calls on sunday and she knew about the time i would call, weather or not she was working.. The first few went great, but once i got to the final few weeks of basic training, the letters stopped coming as often, maybe 2 a week if that, and when i got my one phone call for 30min she would complain she was busy or make a excuse that she had to go "Shower" and completely blow me off.. My last call before graduation she complained to me how she had been accused of cheating on me with some guy at work and how everyone was running around making things up and she couldnt take it anymore.. and i didnt think anything of it, i thought it was great she could talk to me about this.. and at my graduation when i finally got to see her she was so excited but i felt this empty feeling between us, she was very distant and was on her phone the whole time and that bugged me, since i hadnt seen her in 10 weeks, all i wanted to do is spend time together.. 

It wasnt till i got to school for the army that i got more free time and i was starting to pay bills and check my bank account more often and i seen some very suspicious charges on her card.. a hotel charge for a hotel just a mile from work.. and food charges that were way to much for one person, but i consided that was a girl friend she was buying for or something.. but when i confronted her about the whole hotel, she quickly denied it as i was looking at the bank statement, and when i finally stated the excate amount, hotel name, and the date she finally admitted to helping a friend because he (yes he) was homeless. and as soon as she confused to that all her password were changed as if she was trying for me not to find more.. 

Its been 4 months since then and we started getting back to normal, still phone calls where short and excuses where all the time.. but times on end i would see her post pictures with sunglasses i seen this same kid own, or a bracelet that she posted online was his.. kinda threw me back into the deep end, and then i read a comment she left him on my graduation weekend about how she missed hanging out with him and was so excited to be back home that night.. 

all of this has gotten me really angry as i joined the army to support us, (as it was also my dream) and she was real supportive of me doing it.. But we have no kids, and im about to go home for leave and i havent talked to her in days.. im almost certain i want a divorce and just move on, as army life is not a easy one for married couples and i dont need the extra stress.. 

in my opinion i see the signs that she has to be cheating, but she will never confess to it.. so im confused on what to do.. do i even go home for vacation? or do i just deal with it and suck it up and go on like nothing happened?..


p.s. Im about to leave for another 8-10 months where its going to be limited communication again and i dont want to come home to nothing.. 

Thanks.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Thank you for your service in the armed forces. Hopefully other posters have more to say then me. 

I am a bigger fan of you getting an annulment instead of a divorce.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If she doesn't know the exact day you are coming home , don't tell her, in fact tell her you will be home a week later then you actually will be home, take this time to get a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. Like making sure you have a secure place to stash your stuff.

I bet if you got a hotel and rented a car you could do some of your own covert investigation and what you find will solidify your next steps.

I like how she did her own damage control by telling you about the "false" acusations!


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## harmonk (Oct 7, 2012)

that would be great advice, except she already knows.. but will she be at the airport.. thats a great question.. i figure if i confront the kid, maybe i can get him to sing a different story..


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

if she cant make it through your basic, she wont make it through the rest. You aren't even deployed yet. Get rid of her if you dont think she is going to make it.

you probably should have given yourself a solid year married, to establish your marriage before you decided to enlist to dissappear as well.
Marriages take time to form a root.
see all the emotional and physical affairs by women on this site? And their husbands still live with them and yet they feel neglected or mistreated. Military husbands are on the other side of the world for months on end. Takes a special woman to be faithful enough to be a soldiers wife.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

harmonk,
I am active duty military myself in the Navy(Senior Chief Petty Officer E-8). The challenges we face on deployments are difficult enough without having to worry about what a cheating wife is doing back home. Now sit down and listen to what I am about to tell you.

Your wife is cheating on you based on what you have written. This, solider, leaves you with two choices.

1. You can continue in this relationship hoping that she'll "snap out of it". You know while you are on deployment she will be doing all kinds of things behind your back, enjoying your paycheck, and keeping the marriage going to get that chunk of your retirement. You will be in an open marriage at best. Not what you need while trying to keep yourself and your squad safe out there. Your mind must be sharply focused on the task at hand or people die, period.

2. You can start the divorce process. This is the best idea because it frees you from having to deal with her crap. There will be court orders in place that you simply follow and you go on with your life. You never know, you may even bring her around when she gets served and knows you won't tolerate her being a worthless gutter ****. 

I am not a big fan of divorce but when adultery is involved, I have no opposition to it. Now, GET UP AND TAKE ACTION SOLIDER, we have a country to defend.


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## imanonymous (Oct 5, 2012)

harmonk,
I cocur with Married in VA. I'm a 25 year Reserve veteran. I've never been given cause to be suspicious of cheating (though I've got my share of issues in marriage). Where ever you are in your career, AIT or what have you, talk to the installation's chaplain. Even if you're not religious, they're trained to be that listening ear. Further, go to the installation's Community Services office or contact Military One Source and start individual counseling, if nothing else to verbally work out your frustrations and angst. I hate to say it, but I agree with Married in VA, all the signs are there. I've seen this numerous times in the Reserve and through deployments. There is very little chance that all the signs alluding to infidelity are something else. Though I haven't been subject to it in marriage, in my single life I was subjected to it by a woman I loved and thought I would marry. It was the most humiliating and emotionally painful period of my life. Get your ducks in line like Married recommended. Unfortunately, you can't change your beneficiary status with the service until you divorce. However, if that's the azimuth your relationship is heading, ask the JAG for advice to protect your finances and a course of action that separtes you from your wife, but leaves the door open to reconciliation, if that's what you want. If it comes to divorce, she hasn't been married to you long enough to "earn" a chunk of your retirement (if you make it a career). Further, a divorce cuts her service benefits; no PX, no commisary, no SGLV, no TriCare. If you and wife are religious, and there is infidelity, you may have a chance at reconciliation. However, truthfully and statistically, once a cheat-always a cheat. And even if she NEVER cheats again, that baggage will ALWAYS hang around the neck of your relationship.

Best wishes, Soldier. Stay Army Strong!


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

I'm with Senior Chief, you are dealing with a cheating spouse. I can't tell you how many times I have had to deal with something like this on deplyment. It will eat at you and you will not be focusing on the job at hand - protecting yourself and this country. Take care of you and let her go.

It is hard, but forget about exposing the affair. It is a wasted effort and all it will do is piss you off. She has all the classic signs of cheating on you, why waste additional effort you could be doing something for you. If you are getting ready to deploy, look at protecting yourself and don't worry so much about her.

1. Talk with your NCO and tell them what is going on. You want to make sure they know what is happening when, not if, your soon to be ex complains about you to your CO. Be honest if you have ank skeletons in the closet she will try to bring out. I have gotten some crazy phone calls while overseas with stbx wifes complaining.

2. Open a new bank account in just your name. Have your direct deposit transfered to the new account. Do not tell your wife about this. If she needs money, you can always transfer later. Besides, she has a job to support herself.

3. Find someplace to store your stuff and move it there when you get home. You want to protect those things that matter to you before it disappears.

4. Talk to a civilian attorney about an annulment or divorce. You all have no kids and limited assets, should not be difficult.

5. Check with your base JAG to make sure you have yourself covered on the military side of the house. You may have some obligations to your stbx until you divorce, but make sure you don't violate the UCMJ.

6. Tell your parents what is going on when you get home so they are not blindsided. Don't be shy about telling them everything. They are old enough to understand and they will have your back covered.

Don't be like the Chief Warrent Officer in my department. He did not pay attention and he came home to an empty house. No furniture, no clothes, no wife, no nothing.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

harmonk said:


> So just as the title says im a soldier who needs a little advice..
> 
> Me and my wife got married a short while ago right before i left for basic training, we had only been together for 2 years and i thought i would be doing the right thing and get married (my family all agreed) and well hers didnt quite get it.
> 
> ...


Divorce her. She is NOT a warrior wife. Make sure your paychecks are being deposited into your account, not a joint account. You have no kids and you do not need the stress while being deployed.

Taking your joint money to pay for a place for a "friend" and not consulting you first is wrong. She is cheating with this man.

Go for support on the base. This is very common problem in the military and they have help for you. Sorry you have to go through this.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

*It takes a good woman to be true when Hubby is gone for long periods of time. Sorry this W is not one of them. You can't turn a hoe into a house wife. I have great respect for what you do at work. You just getting starting and she already cheating. Looks like she willing to spend money on the OM. Just get out of this mess. You can do better than this woman . I wish you luck with this issue*.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> Divorce her. She is NOT a warrior wife. Make sure your paychecks are being deposited into your account, not a joint account. You have no kids and you do not need the stress while being deployed.
> 
> Taking your joint money to pay for a place for a "friend" and not consulting you first is wrong. She is cheating with this man.
> 
> Go for support on the base. This is very common problem in the military and they have help for you. Sorry you have to go through this.


:iagree:


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