# Bait and Switch



## Shipwreck (Jan 2, 2015)

Wife and I are in our early 50's. Been married almost 10 years. We had no children between us and those from previous marriages are grown and on their own.

You know that saying, "Women marry men hoping they'll change and men marry women hoping they won't"? No truer words were spoken.

Quite literally my wife became a different person the day we married. Her obsession with her daughter renewed. After a grandchild was born the focus on her daughter amplified exponentially. She made sex so infrequent, mechanical and brief that it was almost insulting when it did happen. Benign random acts of kindness and affection - rejected. She won't go to marriage counseling. At this point we are just two people sharing a house. 

For several years I thought I had done or not done something to cause this change so went overboard to appeal to her needs. I had discovered through a series of discussions with her that she subscribes to the notion that everything that happens before marriage is just so much part of a "courting" process and that after you're married you don't have to do those things and you just go about your life as it were before you started dating. 

What? :scratchhead:

So it wasn't going to matter what I did, THIS is who she is............ or is it? I mean if she can be this super wonderful person to everyone else and during the dating phase with me then she could be that to me again, now, today....... right?

I don't know. 

I just know that right now if she wanted to leave I'd help her pack.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

She is 100% wrong.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

My ex (separated spouse) said the exact same words to me. That all the stuff we did before marriage was just to "get me" and now that he has me he doesn't have to do it anymore. That included planning any get aways, or just dinner plans on a Saturday, foreplay, cuddling, hugs, celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, etc. That we should just live in a house together, share the bills and basically have our own lives. 

He didn't see a problem so therefore wouldn't go to marriage counselling when I asked on multiple occasions. 

This is the main reason he is now a soon to be "ex" husband. 

Since we've separated, and he insists he now realizes how important all that bonding "work" on a marriage is, he's now sent me flowers on my birthday - for the first time in 8 years! Apparently it took me leaving for him to wake up.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

If I may ask...is your W employed? The reason I ask...my BIL W played the game before marriage. Sex, clean house, make up on and always attentive. Once married, all of that went away. He was nothing but a project to her. A paycheck and a donor so she can have a child. 

In short, has your W married you so you can support her and nothing more comes to you in return?


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## Shipwreck (Jan 2, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> If I may ask...is your W employed?


Yes but I can see where someone would think this could be that kind of bait and switch. In this instance it's all about behavior not a meal ticket.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Shipwreck said:


> Yes but I can see where someone would think this could be that kind of bait and switch. In this instance it's all about behavior not a meal ticket.


Understood. 

Your W has a very strange perception of how this generally works. Did you ask here how she came to this conclusion on how marriage works after the wedding? If she truly feels that way she will not keep you for long. Courting goes on from here on out. A room mate is not what you married for.


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## Shipwreck (Jan 2, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> Understood.
> 
> Your W has a very strange perception of how this generally works. Did you ask here how she came to this conclusion on how marriage works after the wedding?


No. Never asked her that directly. Never saw the need because there are plenty of couples we associate with that are openly attentive to each other. I mean surely she must not assume that THEY are doing it all wrong. That's is a killer though, to be around affectionate couples our age, married twice or three times as long as we have been. It's depressing.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

What was your W's parents relationship like?

My husband seemed to emulate his....which wasn't connected or romantic. They each had their roles and rarely showed any affection or spent any time together. 

He even thought ours was that much better since we didn't constantly bicker like they did! 

Often people copy what they know...


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think this is time for a boundary. "I will not be married to a woman who does not have regular good sex with me, who doesn't spend quality time with me, who does not continue to try to court me".

Something like that, whatever words fit for you. And mean it. Never accept the unacceptable.

You might get something out of the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. R. Glover.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Shipwreck said:


> No. Never asked her that directly. Never saw the need because there are plenty of couples we associate with that are openly attentive to each other. I mean surely she must not assume that THEY are doing it all wrong. That's is a killer though, to be around affectionate couples our age, married twice or three times as long as we have been. It's depressing.


I think it is time to ask your W how she came to this conclusion that after the wedding it falls into a rut of being room mates. Apparently she is assuming they(loving couples) are doing it all wrong or putting on a front. Is it possible she is mimicking her parents and how she perceived their marriage is/was? She must realize the reason for marriage counselors is for the very reasons you are posting here. Truth be told, my W had a vision on how marriage should be. Certainly not what your W envisioned.

Time to perhaps open conversation with your W. Start here:

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/mar...anguage/understanding-the-five-love-languages


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## Shipwreck (Jan 2, 2015)

SARAHMCD said:


> What was your W's parents relationship like?
> 
> Often people copy what they know...


Her mom died when she was 10. So I don't know how her parents interacted.

Her dad married their widowed aunt. (Yeah........ when is that a good idea). Who turned out to be a shut-in. My W despised her until the day she died. They divorced after 10 years and he remarried. All her dad and his present W do is bicker and nag each other to death.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Shipwreck said:


> Her mom died when she was 10. So I don't know how her parents interacted.
> 
> Her dad married their widowed aunt. (Yeah........ when is that a good idea). Who turned out to be a shut-in. My W despised her until the day she died. They divorced after 10 years and he remarried. All her dad and his present W do is bicker and nag each other to death.


Her perception of marriage I would imagine is not very good. I would suggest MC and some self-help reading on her part. Marriagebuilders.


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## Shipwreck (Jan 2, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> She must realize the reason for marriage counselors is for the very reasons you are posting here.


She won't go to a marriage counselor because she believes whoever is handing over the check is the one the counselor will side with. There's a easy solution. She pays and I reimburse her or better yet, if she doesn't pay on her own then that's probably a good sign that she feels we're not worth saving. But here's her response......... "we should be able to solve our problems without going to a counselor."

Should and can are two very different things


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## Shipwreck (Jan 2, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> Time to perhaps open conversation with your W. Start here:
> 
> Understanding the Five Love Languages | Focus on the Family


yep, been there done that. As I mentioned. I made a very concerted effort for several years to ensure I was appealing to all her needs or love language and nothing changed.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* I think that you have had your back summarily shoved up against the wall ~ greatly to the point that if she refuses any further overtures to MC participation, that it's time to show her the front door. Marriage was never ever intended to be that way! 

And if and when that MC refusal on her part should ever occur, then that's the moment that you incorporate "the 180" on her, along with a hasty visit to your attorney's office for an exploratory assessment of your legal rights!*


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Shipwreck said:


> yep, been there done that. As I mentioned. I made a very concerted effort for several years to ensure I was appealing to all her needs or love language and nothing changed.


If you have performed these and worked to your hearts content on making this turn around to no avail then I would summarily call it quits. You did not want to marry a room mate and be a perpetual guy on her arm when needed.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Well, Shipwreck, I confess that I'm as baffled as you are.

In order to title a thread "Bait and Switch," one has to understand what the whole idea of "Bait and Switch" means. And as you describe your situation, well, you definitely use "Bait and Switch" in the appropriate context.

Now, it follows pretty much directly, that to understand "Bait and Switch" is to understand that if you're on the receiving end of it, that you're getting screwed, deceived, betrayed, and in some ways, abused.

What I don't understand is your non-response to this situation you find yourself subjected to.

I mean, you aren't some schlub with no self-respect. If you were one of those sad sacks, you wouldn't have described it as "Bait and Switch" in the first place. To even state it in those terms is to say that you have at least some sense of self-worth, no matter how small.

So after 10 years, your stance is "if she wanted to leave, I wouldn't stop her."

Weak, man, weak.

Why are you in this situation? What is it within you that says "this is what I, Shipwreck the person, deserve out of life?"

Trying to please your wife and meet her needs hasn't really paid off real well for you. Maybe you should, you know, stop doing that and try doing something else.

Several posters have suggested therapy and counseling, and I hope you've had a cathartic time, explaining why your wife doesn't care enough about your marriage to get to MC.

I think you'd be better served by Individual Counseling. However much self-esteem you do have, you need a whole lot more. Thor suggests that it's time to set some boundaries. I don't think you know what those are, so its actually time to go learn about boundaries, before you start setting them. IC can help you with that, too.

There is much more to life, love, and marriage than you're getting. You should think about grabbing more of that good stuff for yourself.


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