# Fed up of this



## ambercrouch (Mar 7, 2012)

Hello, I'm new to this site but have been reading it for a while now so was hoping for other peoples views to my situation. Talking to friends really helps but they tend to side with me which doesn't always do me any favours!

I'm 44 and have been married for nearly 22 years and we have raised 3 lovely children which has been probably been the only real success of our marriage.

My Husband has regularily suffered from bouts of depression and has always had difficulties communicating and expressing himself properly so whenever big issues have cropped up things never get truly sorted. I have always tried to talk to him and find out how he feels and what makes him happy and tried to discuss problems as they arise but with little progress, (and we have had many issues) he then tells me I am to blame for his lack of communication as I don't create the right environment for him to talk or ask the right questions. Not wishing to blow my own trumpet I have helped my friends through many traumas in their lives and have always been there for them with a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on as well as having a good giggle and fun (two friends have gone as far as to tell me I should consider a career in counselling!!!) I am a happy, extrovert, bubbly person with a good network of close friends, my Husband is generally rather introverted and unsociable and though he has friends he chooses not to talk openly to them about matters of importance.
In the past he told me he couldn't understand why anybody actually liked my company, which is a comment I have never forgotten.

Even 1 year of marriage guidance together didn't make much difference apart from the counsellor helping to make him see that I wasn't to blame for everything that was wrong in our marriage as he used to like to tell me all the time. Though he now seems to be back to that way of thinking.

On top of the communication issues he rarely shows his feelings and instead will sulk and ignore me for hours, days, sometimes weeks without there being any obvious reason for his behaviour, blanking me completely when I ask what's up. I try to just ignore it but when I snap and insist he tells me what his issue is I get told he isn't happy with our marital situation but what actually triggers this response from him is never clear. In the past he has often acted this way on family birthdays and special occasions and with no explanation for his reasons why. 

In the past 3 years he has been made redundant twice and this has severly knocked his self esteem. He is back working again now but holds a big resentment towards me for not 'being there' for him. I tried everything I could to help him but at times his moods were so black that I felt myself being sucked under too and it became a struggle for me not to end up feeling the same as him, though I tried my utmost best. I tried to explain at the time that his situation hurt me too and I also had money worries and felt down that we had nearly lost everything we had, the good wage, the car etc., but he felt it was all about him and not me and my feelings were never validated. If I I said I felt down he felt suicidal etc., however I felt he felt 100 times worse and he would withdraw completely and put his barriers up and not let me in at all, making it almost impossible to help him.

In the past I suffered badly from post natal depression following the birth of my 2nd child and he gave me no support whatsoever, telling me he actually contemplated leaving. He has never been there for me when I've needed him and I feel so resentful myself that he accuses me of it when I have done my best to help him. My best is never good enough it would seem.

On top of this we have an almost non existent sex life, it happens about 6 times a year and has been the case for about 6 years now and I am sick of it.
He says he doesn't want to split up but hasn't said he loves me for many months and when I say I feel unloved and uncared about nothing changes! He say he wants to sort out our problems and asks me what I feel the issues are and when I explain how I feel in as much of a non accusing way and non blaming way as I can he turns round and tells me that if I changed my behaviour everything would be different and he's only reacting to me. I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

Yet another issue I have is his constant telling of white lies and spending money that we need on himself in the form of expensive motorbikes. When he was first made redundant we paid some money into his parents bank account (£7,000) and when I rang them up a year later and asked if they could transfer the money back into our account as we needed it his mum told me they didn't have it as he had taken it many months before and subsequently spent it. I was livid as he had no job and we were struggling financially. He told me it was his money and up to him but agreed to sell the bikes when we became desperate, which we did when the second redundacy happened. He promised he would discuss it with me before he spent money on such things again and vowed he wouldn't touch the money, yet again 2 motorbikes appeared in the garage, with no word of explanation and yet we are struggling to pay our bills every month as his present job is not very well paid. When confronted about them he claims they've been loaned to him but in the garage is a hand written receipt stating the price that he purchased one bike for (£2200)

Last week I had an idea he was about to buy another as I overheard a phone conversation he was having, sure enough he came home with one over the weekend and when I asked for an explanation he claimed he was selling it for somebody he knew whose Husband had died and had no intention of buying it for himself. I didn't believe him (he hadn't mentioned anyone he knew dying) and checked his phone that evening and found several texts to the person he was buying the motorbike from telling them he would collect it on the Saturday (as he did) and that he was paying £1400 for it.
I've tried discussing it but he denies he's brought it and I can't tell him I looked at his phone to prove he was lying or he will explode. This is not something I have done before. I am so frustrated that he is openly lying to me, telling me all the money is still in his account. He even said he would print me a statement to prove it and when I said ok he went quiet and sullen and has barely spoken to me since.

I'm sorry to ramble but I hope this has gone some way to explain my situation, there are so many other issues and problems I could write a book on us!

I have reached the point where I am losing my respect and patience towards him and feel that we have no future together anymore. We have discussed splitting up and he knows how I feel but although he agrees that we are 'doomed' he insists we can sort our problems out. (If I change) I don't see how we ever can when he clearly doesn't respect how I feel or feel that he needs to do anything to change himself as he still insists that it's me that causes him to act as he does.
This is making me so unhappy and I can't bear the thought of the rest of my life stuck in this mess.

What should I do?
Thanks.


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

Couple: Anything is needed to be Mutual...

For it's Synergy,Symbiosis and Mutuality among Couples...

so even The Change has to be for both and Mutually...with Constructive Compromises...


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