# My wife is in an emotional affair



## HopefullyHoldingOn22 (Aug 8, 2020)

My wife says she wants to separate but she keep telling me she is still not sure. It is 2:35 in the morning and she is not home yet. She is drunk with coworkers and the person she is having an emotional affair


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If she’s drunk and with the person who she’s having the affair with then I don’t think you can call it simply an “emotional” affair. 
You need to take the lead here, you can’t just stand by and let your wife disrespect you like this. Don’t beg, it looks weak.
Look up the “180”.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

There is a product available at some pharmacies. I believe it is called Checkmate. It specifically flags the presence of semen. Get hold of the panties she's wearing when she comes home before she can wash them. 
Hide them.
Test them.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Expose the affair. To the OP's wife. If he is a co-worker, to their boss.

*THE 180 - ala Chump Lady*



The Chump Lady said:


> You want to know who is “needy” and “desperate”? Cheaters. People who traffic in kibbles and need flattery and illicit sexual hijinks to feel whole. People who sell other people out. People who send crotch shots to total strangers. That **** is desperate.


I had to come to the realization that not only my wife's AP was a POS, I was married to one. Took me 1-1/2 years for that to fully sink in. 
But when it did ? Guess what ?


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## HopefullyHoldingOn22 (Aug 8, 2020)

She messaged me at 3:50 and she said she fell asleep. This morning messaged back no reply. I have three kids 6 year old daughter and 9 year old son and 17 year old. She still sleeps on our bed


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Brother, there is nothing you can do right now. She is out, drunk with her POS AP. Start looking after yourself and children (if any). 
Right now, cancel all joint credit cards, report them lost or stolen. 
Next morning book in for a full STD and STI check, you have been put at risk. 
Next banking day close off all joint accounts give her half in cash to her parents. Close the checking account as well. When possible seek legal advice for your location, you need to know your rights and her responsibilities. 
Please don’t start any pick me dancing, she will see you as weak. 
Start fully distancing yourself from her. It is a full 180, no talks of loving her back, it won’t work. 
To win her back please understand that you have to be prepared to loose her (she is already gone). 
Talk through text, expose her Ea or PA to all, parents, family and friends. If you can, find out if her lover has a wife, let her know and no! You don’t need her onboard to do this. She will only try to save her AP grief.
There is a lot more but just start eating right, exercise and drink water. Talk with trusted friends. 
One day at a time
Buffer


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> Talk through text, expose her Ea or PA to all, parents, family and friends.


Call her parents and ask them if they know where she is. Some people will be more concerned that she is out drunk than having an EA which, I bet, a lot of people still don't understand.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

She's out all night with her boyfriend and you're home with the kids, including a 6 year old? Wow, your WW sounds like a quality wife and especially a great mom. When a woman is that blatant in her disrespect, you have no choice but to file for D. The whole D process is lengthy which will allow her time to get her head out of her ass and you could stop it but I don't hold much hope.

You need to do a shock and awe campaign which will include having her served D papers at her job, exposing both of them to HR, expose OM to his wife/girlfriend, and expose to her family and any influential mutual friends all on the same day. 

Don't listen to those who try to scare you to not expose at her job. If she lose her job, any court will expect her to get another equivalent paying job when they take child custody/alimony into account. Also don't listen to your wife when she tells you OM is single or divorce, WWs always say that to protect their OM. And lastly when confronting to her family, it must be done in a help me fight for the family not in a "your daughter is a who...

You need to keep a log of all the times she out while you're home with the kids. This is to document how she is unfit mother that doesn't deserve full custody. If you're able to get primary custody or at least joint 50/50 custody, then that will limit how much childimony you'll have to pay. 

Also, she's the one that is betraying the family, put her **** in the guess rm/basement/sofa, etc. You stay in the master br. 

Lastly, split your finances ASAP and cancel any joint accounts. Take care of your health. Workout hard. It will help calm your mind.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

How do you feel about yourself knowing you are allowing your wife to date others without consequence?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Brother,

Time for you to put on your big boy britches and blow this **** up. You are allowing her to control the situation. EXPOSURE NOW! Exposure kills affairs like Lysol does to germs.

I went nuclear on my FWW exposed to adult kids, siblings, my parents, as well as close friends. The kicker was Facebook exposure. I wrote my wife has a boyfriend mentioned his name, changed my status to single from married. That started a massive **** storm.

where am I now....going on five years of R. How and why? I did not do the pick me dance. I immediately went into serious 180.
Wife begged me to take her back. I took off for six weeks and let her wallow in her mess while my family ripped her to shreds.

your first step out of infidelity is exposure. Definitely expose to HR but consult attorney prior to doing so as it may be rewarding to you financially if he is in a superior position.
Next, kick her skanky ass out of the house.

You can’t nice a wayward wife.Have her served at work.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

HopefullyHoldingOn22 said:


> My wife says she wants to separate but she keep telling me she is still not sure. It is 2:35 in the morning and she is not home yet. She is drunk with coworkers and the person she is having an emotional affair


She isn't sure because right now she's getting the best of both worlds. She gets to have an AP and her husband is waiting at home ready to welcome her into their marital bed... She doesn't even have to hide it! I know you don't want to hear this but you are allowing this to happen. Please do not believe for a second that your wife is only having an EA. If she is out getting drunk with this guy and staying overnight she is having a PA. 

You need to put your foot down man. She isn't sure if she wants to separate or not? Then YOU make that decision for her. Are you willing to accept a wife who has a boyfriend? No? Then why are you accepting this? You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. Sounds silly but it's true. Listen to the advice others have given you. 



HopefullyHoldingOn22 said:


> She still sleeps on our bed


Not anymore she doesn't. Tell her to enjoy the couch.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Emotional affair my arse! It physical sir. Time to carpet bomb her ass via extreme exposure


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Me? I would have a dirty word or two with OM.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Taxman said:


> Me? I would have a dirty word or two with _OM_.


And, _OMG_ wife?


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## HopefullyHoldingOn22 (Aug 8, 2020)

My wife came home and explanation is sound but my trust is still wavering. Thanks everyone for trying to help. I worry that I may have overreacted. Im


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

HopefullyHoldingOn22 said:


> My wife came home and explanation is sound but my trust is still wavering. Thanks everyone for trying to help. I worry that I may have overreacted. Im


What was her explanation? Did she explain away the emotional affair as well?


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## HopefullyHoldingOn22 (Aug 8, 2020)

I’m letting this event go but not forgetting. I have debated every action and not yet ready to 180. I love my children and don’t want them upset


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

HopefullyHoldingOn22 said:


> I’m letting this event go but not forgetting. I have debated every action and not yet ready to 180. I love my children and don’t want them upset


You are in for a world of hurt. Burying your head in the sand will not make anything go away. You need to face this **** storm head on.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What you’re doing is rug sweeping. It won’t help you.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Handling this situation doesn't mean you don't love your kids. You want the best for them, correct? 

Is this _really_ the best for them? Having a dad who is an emotional mess, yet they don't know why, and a mom who leaves the house all night? Seeing an unhealthy relationship day after day, but to them it's normal and what they will learn to accept and repeat? 

All kids deserve to have two happy parents and all be under the same roof. That possibility is still there, if you pull your head out of the sand and do what is necessary. In order to "save" your marriage (and keep your family intact) you have to be willing to lose it. 

Do you know what else children deserve? Having two happy parents even if they aren't under the same roof. Don't your kids deserve to have a happy father? Don't they deserve to see what _healthy _relationships and boundaries look like? Kids pick up on far more than you think they do. 

Do not use "staying for the kids" as an excuse to rug sweep.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

HopefullyHoldingOn22 said:


> I’m letting this event go but not forgetting. I have debated every action and not yet ready to 180. I love my children and don’t want them upset


You can't let this go without hurting your kids even more. Your 17 year old has a clue about what's going on, and your younger kids are talking with him or her. They're getting information and forming opinions about something that you're not dealing with yourself. They're picking up cues that what their mom is doing is somehow acceptable and will end up very hurt and very confused when suddenly the family gets turned upside down because it isn't. 

Your wife is drunk. I'm sure this is not the first time. Do you think your kids don't know about that? Do you realize the damage being done to them, having at least one parent (you haven't mentioned anything about yourself) with a drinking problem? 

Your kids need leadership. Not caretaking. 

And, as others have said, get yourself tested for STDs and work things backward to figure out how long she's potentially been unfaithful to you. This is likely not a phase she's going through.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

HopefullyHoldingOn22 said:


> My wife came home and explanation is sound but my trust is still wavering. Thanks everyone for trying to help. I worry that I may have overreacted. Im


HH, if your wife is wanting to separate most likely its to clear the path to the other guy. I don't know what kind of explanation she has or the collaborating evidence to support her explanation but one thing is clear, folks around this site don't think it cool for you to provide information that prima facie indicates your spouse is banging another individual(s), and you calling it something else to avoid dealing with it.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Get her gone


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

HopefullyHoldingOn22 said:


> My wife says she wants to separate but she keep telling me she is still not sure. It is 2:35 in the morning and she is not home yet. She is drunk with coworkers and the person she is having an emotional affair


Two sentences in and the implications are it’s physical. Stay around .... read TAM for a month and you’ll see it clear as day.

By the way. She’s probably not drunk, but fully awake. Know this. The kinder and more accepting you are, the nastier and uncaring she will be.

Take the gloves off. You’re in for a fight. Not for her or your marriage, but for yourself, your kids, your dignity and future happiness. If she sees she’s the key to your happiness and you chase her, you’ll succeed in chasing her deeper into the arms and bed of her lover.

The separation is for her to continue her affair “more conveniently”, so that she doesn’t have to make excuses at 3:30 and 5:30 am. The quicker you can act decisively, the quicker you remedy this, just like cancer or some other form of sickness that requires early intervention to create the outcome you desire.

It will require as much courage and conviction from you, as she is spewing and acting with brazen recklessness while mothering and wedded to you. Hoping and nice-ing as a strategy is equivalent to handing her your playbook and a guarantee of getting obliterated.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

colingrant said:


> By the way. She’s probably not drunk, but fully awake. Know this. The kinder and more accepting you are, the nastier and uncaring she will be.


OK, this hits home in an odd sort of way, because I used that as an excuse, once, when spending the night with a woman. I explained that I'd had too much too drink so it wouldn't be a good idea for me to drive home.

But it's not quite how it sounds. I had called to tell my parents that (that I'd had too much to drink and was spending the night out).

Point being, there are times when someone might claim they'd had too much to drink when that wasn't really the case. Just as a cover.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

My head hurts. Your wife wants to separate and that won’t hurt the kids?

Yet, she spends a drunken night out, doesn’t answer her phone and her explanation is enough to keep it quiet because it will hurt the kids?

You are worried about the fear you have of your wife leaving, you ARE NOT worried about your kids,


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Sir, you no longer have a marriage. She has left the marital relationship and it takes two. Her time, energy, thoughts, love, and devotion are elsewhere. What do you think you wish to save? Kids need to have a model for what is acceptable in marriage. Mom acting like a dating teen is not optimum. Dad who isn't strong and protective of them and understands what that means is not optimum!

Now, the next months will be difficult and you do not want to think about enduring THAT. It takes courage to walk away, but you and the kids deserve better now. Do not wait until the next time or the time after that to act!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

HopefullyHoldingOn22 said:


> I’m letting this event go but not forgetting. I have debated every action and not yet ready to 180. I love my children and don’t want them upset


Do you hear yourself?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Taxman said:


> Me? I would have a dirty word or two with OM.


Me, I put the fear of God into POSOM. I ****ed his life up big time. Why? Because he who does not wish to be ****ed with does not **** over.

I am not programmed to be weak and subservient, I am programmed to do what it takes to win.

the **** sucker sued me but wound upon with nothing. Why he thought I would roll over and settle is beyond me. He is well aware via the courts if he comes anywhere in my vicinity he will likely depart earth in a ****ing body bag.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> Do you hear yourself?
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Listen to FJ. He gave me stellar advice a few years back. Do not show your children a thing other than you taking charge and being a man who is to respected not disrespected. Be solid resolute and unyielding.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Did you or did you not get her panties from the hamper? Do so now. All you need to know is what the test on them shows you.
Stop dithering. 
Act like a man.

Even if it's only acting.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

HopefullyHoldingOn22 said:


> I’m letting this event go but not forgetting. I have debated every action and not yet ready to 180. I love my children and don’t want them upset


You are a fool. Do you actually believe your wife staying out all night drunk is good for your kids?

Daddy where is mom? She out having sex with her affair partner kids.

You know your older kids know whats going on? They are not stupid, they see what is going on. They see what a weak doormat you are. You are not making a good example of what a man, husband or father should be. You are allowing your wife to cheat on you and your kids see it. Stop trying to hide behind the kids because you are such a coward to actually face your wife and put an end to it or your POS marriage.


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## HopefullyHoldingOn22 (Aug 8, 2020)

My wife decided to go hang out with friends instead of going to the park with the kids. I am always watching the kids while she has fun. I want to be a family


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

HopefullyHoldingOn22 said:


> My wife decided to go hang out with friends instead of going to the park with the kids. I am always watching the kids while she has fun. I want to be a family



If you want a real family I suggest you dump the wife and find a real woman. She’s not interested in being a mother or part of your family. I’m so sorry!!! _hugs_


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Those that bury their head in the sand end up with the most resentment....of themselves.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Your wife currently isn’t part of the family! She’s making choices that don’t include you and your kids.

tell her not to come home! Stop allowing her to stomp all over you! She’s totally disrespecting you AND the family and you are making that ok in your kids eyes - yes, they are watching and expect YOU to tell their Mom she isn’t participating in a way that’s right! 
lead by example! Otherwise - expect your kids to just be the same door mat when they get cheated on too.

tell her to move since she wants to act like a single gal! First move plenty of available money into your name only.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

HopefullyHoldingOn22 said:


> My wife decided to go hang out with friends instead of going to the park with the kids. I am always watching the kids while she has fun. I want to be a family


Your wife doesn’t want to be a family. She wants you to be a door mat and watch the kids.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Do you make the same amount of money as your wife?

you need to see an attorney.


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## HopefullyHoldingOn22 (Aug 8, 2020)

bobert said:


> Handling this situation doesn't mean you don't love your kids. You want the best for them, correct?
> 
> Is this _really_ the best for them? Having a dad who is an emotional mess, yet they don't know why, and a mom who leaves the house all night? Seeing an unhealthy relationship day after day, but to them it's normal and what they will learn to accept and repeat?
> 
> ...


What do you mean by loose it?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

What he means is that you need to be willing to END your marriage (and do NOT just "say it", you have to really mean it and be willing to go through with it). In other words, let her know that if she doesn't stop, and do so IMMEDIATELY, you will start the divorce proceedings. Do not be wishy-washy on this.

You can always STOP a divorce before it completes, but without this, your wife thinks there are NO consequences to her cheating and disrespect -- because you just take it and will be there whenever she comes home. STOP doing that -- make sure you are CLEAR what the consequences are, and that you WILL take action.

First step, contact some lawyers to get your plan together -- do NOT tell her this until YOU figure it all out. Then you sit with her and say this all stops, or you can sign the divorce papers -- here are the terms --- and have it all in front of you.

Do NOT be surprised if she agrees to the divorce -- she is in the fog of her affair right now. Either that, or she will be shocked enough to wake up to what she is doing.

Even IF she stops, you need to make sure that SHE does the work to repair things with you.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

HopefullyHoldingOn22 said:


> My wife decided to go hang out with friends instead of going to the park with the kids. I am always watching the kids while she has fun. I want to be a family


You get a sitter and go with your wife.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

HopefullyHoldingOn22 said:


> My wife decided to go hang out with friends instead of going to the park with the kids. I am always watching the kids while she has fun. I want to be a family


You are a family. Your wife, however, is not.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What do you plan to do to change this situation?


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Like others have said, this sounds like a physical affair, not emotional. Trust me brother, I've been there. You are in shock and don't want to see the obvious. You don't want to lose your kids and think you could never find another woman. Again, been there. But whether you want to believe it or not, you are at war. And your wife has struck first. No amount of begging and pleading in the world is going to make her stop. She needs to know you will not tolerate this crap and she has to go unless it stops immediately (highly unlikely). You need to see a lawyer and let her know you are seeing one. Also DO NOT move out of the house. That will be her next step....ask you to move out so she can "sort things out in her head". Get your finances in order...make sure she doesn't drain your bank account, etc. Once a cheat, always a cheat in my book. Time to man up and protect yourself. The woman you married is gone. She only cares about herself. Once you get that in your head, you will understand your next move should be to look out for you and your kids. .


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Your wife sees you being weak by not doing things to take a stand.

have you made a decision about what you plan to do to change this?


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Sorry, not slinging mud. 
But sounds like rug sweeping 101. 
mine day at a time
Buffer


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

HopefullyHoldingOn22 said:


> I’m letting this event go but not forgetting. I have debated every action and not yet ready to 180. I love my children and don’t want them upset


It doesn't sound like you understand what 180 means.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> It doesn't sound like you understand what 180 means.


Or what divorce actually is.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

BluesPower said:


> Or what divorce actually is.


But even if he doesn't want divorce right now, doing 180 is the best way to save the marriage


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> But even if he doesn't want divorce right now, doing 180 is the best way to save the marriage


I don't disagree but I think the marriage is toast. 

And let's face it, he did not even understand that he should have told the MC to **** OFF... In the strongest manner possible. 

What he should do is file for divorce. If this guy is local, and she has not slept with him, which is very unlikely, she will soon. 

He needs so show strength and NOT Weakness pick me game stuff. If the marriage end, it was not there to begin with...


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

BluesPower said:


> I don't disagree but I think the marriage is toast.
> 
> And let's face it, he did not even understand that he should have told the MC to **** OFF... In the strongest manner possible.
> 
> ...


yes, but the thought of divorce is too scary at the beginning of the process. You yourself (and myself and many others) well overstayed in our marriages for that reason.

But 180 would help him to get back on his feet emotionally, so he has more clarity going forwards, and makes better decions for himself, his marriage and his children.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> yes, but the thought of divorce is too scary at the beginning of the process. You yourself (and myself and many others) well overstayed in our marriages for that reason.
> 
> But 180 would help him to get back on his feet emotionally, so he has more clarity going forwards, and makes better decions for himself, his marriage and his children.


You may be right in this case. 

Now for me, I stayed too long, out of stupidity, not fear. I did really try, though. 

There is a difference. If I was marriage to a woman that would not end her affair, that would be it even then. 

All I am saying is IF there is a chance to save this, and there is not really, then him filing for divorce RIGHT NOW would be the only way.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

BluesPower said:


> You may be right in this case.
> 
> Now for me, I stayed too long, out of stupidity, not fear. I did really try, though.
> 
> ...


I agree that it doesn't look like his way is interested in this marriage.But the OP is not ready for divorce yet. We all have to do it in our own time.


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