# My heartfelt story - still in progress



## Sensitive

It took me a good long cry to figure out what is wrong with my marriage. Basically, I have been unhappy with several issues that my husband has refused to change. I finally got fed up and called divorce lawyers. After several huge fights, he finally caved in and will agree to the divorce. I became relieved. Then he changed his mind and said firmly, "I am not going to walk away from my family and my wife! I just can't do it!", then he walked away. Although he sounded defeated,not angry at all, he was truly willing to stake his life on this statement. All this divorce planning was completely a vengeful act on my part. Neither of us had the tools to fix our marriage, but we still had love. Also, when he proposed that we each take a son, rather than letting me take both, I realized that I can't bear to part with someone I love and devoted so much time and energy. I tried to convince myself it was a huge trade-off, give up my son to get rid of my husband. Previously, I was forcing him to give up three people he loves. In conclusion, I realize that the love we four share together is greater than anything else in this world. The weakest link is the love I have for my husband. We can live homeless, with no money, isolated from any people, and we will still be a happy family as long as we are together. I will continue this idea as the days go by. Wish us luck.


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## Sensitive

Hubby is doubtful that I can change, though I felt I made this great revelation. He actually cleaned the tub, and he gave our son a bath. He has only done this once or twice in our whole marriage of ten years. We both believe actions speaks louder than words. I made commitments or promises, and I will follow through. Filling my heart with love instead of resentment has given me more strength to continue on with my life. 

New action plan, find an investor to buy the house, and then move to an apartment or two.


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## Loving Husband

Good luck with it. It's a journey that is hard cvause you have to change how you think and react to improve. I read some of your posts and I am afraid your only staying out of fear. I really hope there is a lot more then that. IMO you don't have a low conflict marriage. It can be damaging to the kids if they see that much anger. I would tread lightly..


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## Corpuswife

I know it's a difficult decision. No easy decisions to break up your family. Read the Five Love Language by Gary Chapman if you hadn't already. Both you and your husband may get something out of it. 

I wish you the best...and kuddos for redirecting your thoughts.


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## Sensitive

I have remained positive, as if this is the honeymoon phase. Nothing really has changed. Hubby still blames me for inventing problems in the marriage, saying I have an evil side that always thinks the worst case scenarios. It also occurred to me that he was manipulating me, regarding the split custody deal. I know he doesn't want to care for a child on his own, so why did he suggested this? It dawned on me... he wants to avoid paying me child support, and can reserve his whole income to his daughter's college. 

Stepdaughter just started classes this week, and she is so lost. Hubby actually went up there to help her buy her books, not pay for them, but go to the campus bookstore, and find the right textbook for her two classes. She was confused and went to the wrong class on the first day, and didn't realize it until she went back to her dorm room. She just learned to use a debit card, an ATM machine, and her meal pass. Sorry to be so mean, but if you are smart enough to be accepted in a college, you ought to know basic living skills. It is ridculous for Hubby to enable her by doing these things for her. She is Miss Social Butterfly, but can't ask a bookstore worker for help, or her RA for campus information, etc? 

I have a therpy appt on Monday. Also, I have an investor coming to look at our house. We also have been looking at some apartments. Ideally, we will be in separate adjacent apartments, thereby splitting the expenses. Honestly, I think this is just like an amicable divorce, but I don't get any financial help to raise our two sons, nor do I get an opportunity to find a better husband. Oh well, there is still a slim chance that Hubby will see the light and realize I have been carrying more than my fair share in the marriage and parenting.


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## Sensitive

We had our first argument since the cancelation of the divorce. Naturally, it was about money and our future goals. Hubby is planning to work fulltime until he is 65, and spend everything he earns. I plan to work parttime until I no longer have a savings, because I feel it is important to have the two boys be raised by their parents. I never used a daycare center, and I am proud that I was able to do so without any help from Hubby. When the kids are older, I can work fulltime and save up enough for their college, again with zero help from Hubby. I want to retire when I earned enough for the kid's college. Hubby refuses to support me or his sons. I actually have been supporting him, by covering the mortgage when he is in debt. I really don't know if he realizes how selfish he is. We are looking forward to finding separate apartments. He wants his apt to be empty, toyfree, music and computer friendly, and suitable for his daughter and mother. I want my apt to be a kid friendly playroom, and the kitchen to be my own. Anyhow, I feel a little used, but ironically, so does Hubby. Hubby still thinks I wanted a divorce to prevent his daughter from going to college. The primary reason was he is not being supportive of me being a stay at home mom, and continuously neglects his husbandly and fatherly duties. Maybe I was too fearful, and should have followed through.


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## Sensitive

I was peeved when Hubby refused to sign on an investor/realtor to help us sell the house. Instead, he wants to kick me out, keep our 2 sons in the same schools, and let his daughter stay in our house (rentfree), thereby releasing the money from her dorm fees to pay the amount I normally pay towards mortgage. That was the most absurd thing, just sign the divorce and be done with it! Don't neglect our sons and take their mother away from them. It's bad enough that he still thinks he is the perfect husabnd and father. He is the one claiming he has none of his income left to pay the mortgage, he should be the one to leave the house. I suggested the best solution is for him to move into his daughter's bedroom in his ex-wife's house. Since she is not contributing anything toward their daughter's college funds, I am positive she will let him live there rentfree. As a matter of fact, she might miraculously find a few thousand dollars, and pay her tuition to avoid him living with her. Of course, Hubby doesn't want to live with his ex, though he does spnd more time with her than me, and he pays for their daughter's housing, and not paying our sons' housing.

So, things will be calm until next quarter's fees. Hubby did confess his financial problems to his daughter, and she may move out winter quarter. I rather sell the house, and make $60,000 profit which benefits him, me, two sons, and his daughter, rather than him taking out a $10,000 home equity loan just to benefit his daughter and hurt his sons and me. I am thankful he hasn't verbally abused me or the boys since that last episode.

Hubby also mentioned he can get a second job to cover the extra dorm fees and tuition. Duh! Why didn't he think of that before? A financially stable mature adult does not sabotage his marriage and his little children so his older child gets a full ride. College is a privilege, not a fun house.

Meanwhile, I am not going to bend over backwards to save money for his daughter. Hubby wants our sons to eat less food to save him money. It's stupid, I refuse to do that anymore. I am only buying groceries for the kids, and myself. Food is a necessity.

Thanks for reading, rant is over now.


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## Tim

Well...if you file for divorce, he will be forced to pay you half of it (the house), whether he sells it or not is up to him then. You should seriously consider a lawyer. The reasons why he does what he does doesnt matter, its what YOU are going to do that will determine your life. So why stay when you are not happy.

Stay positive and care about yourself and your children. Keep posting because we are all cheering for you.


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## Sensitive

I had an epiphany yesterday. After arguing for the umpteenth time about mortgage vs. prom queen's college fees, I realize the core marriage problem. The reason why I want the divorce is not because I hate my stepdaughter and want the worst for her by objecting to Hubby taking out a loan to pay all her college tuition and room/board. I think it is one of two other bigger issues...jealousy and abuse.

I have always been jealous when Hubby devotes more time, money, or respect to other people, regardless of family relation, or male or female. I hated him for spending all his free time chatting with other women, and then spending hundreds of dollars to visit them. Even if it wasn't sexual, I was super jealous, since he never spend quality time on me, or buys me gifts or gives me a break from the kids to give me freetime. If he had the ability to save his income to the magnitude of $17,000 per year to finance his daughter's social college life, then why the heck did he not save me the torture of working nightshifts every weekend for the past 2 years? He thinks if our sons need any money to live that I must provide it by my partime income. He thinks I am eating bon bons every day while being a stay-at-home mom. I sacrificed my sleep, my sanity and my life savings to give the best possible childcare (his parents and grandparents) to our two sons. How does Hubby thank me? He tried to leach more money from my parents' life savings. My bright idea to recoup my financial losses was to divorce and get court ordered child support (which conincidently is calculated to be the same amount as her college fees.) Ironically, state laws says our sons deserve about $1,800 per month until age 18.

The second big issue is abuse, which I thankfully learned from this site. I am stuck in a vicious cycle The Cycle of Abuse I knew I was being treated unfairly, but never named my problems as emotional or financial (ecomonic) abuse. I go through monthly cycles of feeling tense, then attacked, then reconciling, and finally calm. I am currently cycled back to the phase 1. I don't think Hubby realizes how he treats me is abnormal nor mentally unhealthy. I am positive his mother (or father) was very verbally abusive. I called the domestic violence hotline (again) and scheduled free counseling. I don't think my situation is urgent enough for me to attend a free support group, as many women are getting physically abused. I also fear the anger that Hubby displaces on the kids. It is inappropriate discipline, regardless of what childrearing philosophy he is using.


Anyhow, I think I am a survivor. I had to fall into a major depression and be drugged with anti-depressants to conclude all this. I do feel much better identified this, but I really need to knoew how to fix it. Just telling Hubby to stop loving other people more than me, or stop being mean and disrespectful has not worked at all. Another marriage counseling appointment on Monday, wish me luck!


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## Devastatedmom

Sensitive,
You need to stand up for yourself. You need to be able to rebuild your life and move on. It is time to draw the line in the sand. If he is not living in the house, you need to let him know he is not welcome anymore. Let him know you will be following through with a quick deed for the house, and filing. Also, you need to fight for full custody for both boys, especially since you have some documentation of abusive behavior. He needs to see what he will lose with all this, also you need to get him on a schedule of taking the boys 2 days a week, and then have them BOTH every other weekend. It is time he see what divorce to you will look like. 

You need to move on and get out, reconnect with friends, travel, etc. 

As soon as I drew the line in the sand for my husband early last week, he decided Thursday night he wanted to talk about us working on things. This will take time and I am not sure with him walking out on my son and I, that I want to work on things, but I have been the one trying to get him not to make the mistake.

It will be interesting to see what happens....and not sure what the rules are in your state, but you need to take him to the cleaners....and let him have a bit of uncomfortable suffering.


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## voivod

Sensitive said:


> Hubby also mentioned he can get a second job to cover the extra dorm fees and tuition. Duh! Why didn't he think of that before?


duh? OUCH! maybe he didn't think of that before because he's a dude. and we can be real stupid.

but "duh?" how about a standing ovation.


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## Sensitive

Things aren't getting better. There is a huge fight between my brother and my husband over Stepdaughter's cell phone bill. She basically overtexted by 800 texts, so Hubby paid an extra $15 per month and bought out the whole 2 year plan by writing my brother a $600 check, without consulting me or telling his daughter of the huge infraction. Now, he and my husband can't even have a family get together. I can't have any get-togethers with his ex or his mother, as they both screwed me royally by not paying one dime towards their daughter/grand-daughter. Hubby hates my brother. I hate his ex-wife, my mother-in-law, and mostly my husband for being so negligent of raising this girl. Hubby is funding her to go partying at the bars/nightclub, and has never supported me or our two sons. He thoughlessly wrote a $600 just to avoid my brother from holding stepdaughter accountable. I so bad want to hold my husband accountable for all the abuse and neglect, but I just can't hold up a good fight. It frustrates me to no end. 

Of course, hubby tosses away the idea of working for the extra income he thinks Stepdaughter needs. He actually claims our son does not need any money. That's because I provide eveything for them. I have been busting my butt to work nights and draining my life savings for the past 4-8 years. 

Last night he offered to help put one kid to bed, but then said he won't give him a bath. He hasn't changed. I need a cleaver way to get him to see the light. He needs to admit he is a bad father and husband and either needs to change or walk out and never see us again.

I am seriously considering conning him to sign over the house to me, and then kicking him out, selling the house, and pretend like nothing happened. I may not have the strength to file for a divorce, but if I can get the house, at least our sons will have adequate money to live normally for the next year or two.

Thanks for everyone's support. I will try to act be less bitter next post.


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## Sensitive

It was a horribly moody day. I was very angry at Hubby for how he grabs our son. He is using fear and intimidation to discipline him. Hubby did explain his theory, and I still disagree. He is actually very perceptive of people, so our sons have developed a good bond with him. He identifies his needs and adapts. When I asked why doesn't he help me when I need. Hubby says he doesn't want to parent me. No, I said why doesn't he try to understand me and help me in crisis. He says when I am in crisis, that puts him in crisis. He feels he has carried me along in the whole relationship. I feel I let him tag along during the whole parenting years. So we both think the other is dodging the responsibilities in our lives. I just don't know what to make about all this. Every little thing frustrates me. He does look down at me, but won't admit it. We both recognize we are polar opposites, and yet we can't break up. He is still blaming me for his money shortage because I buy lots of toys for the kids. I keep telling him it is not an average father that gives no money to the kids he lives with.

I really need to do something. I don't want to feel worthless, powerless and insignificant to a man for the rest of my life. I don't want to set an example to our sons that wives should be so passive. Then again, he had been a very crucial pillar of support. Maybe I just can't accept that he is stronger on the human relation skill and very bad with money. I am very good with money, but bad at human relations.

I give up, I need a big distraction to take me away from all this analyzing.


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## Blanca

Sensitive said:


> Things aren't getting better. There is a huge fight between my brother and my husband over Stepdaughter's cell phone bill.


I actually had to read that twice because i thought i must have misread. what in the world does your brother have to do with your husband and his daughter?? your brother needs to stay out of it. its really none of his business. and how in the world did he even know?


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## Sensitive

Blanca said:


> I actually had to read that twice because i thought i must have misread. what in the world does your brother have to do with your husband and his daughter?? your brother needs to stay out of it. its really none of his business. and how in the world did he even know?


My brother has a family plan and offered cell phone to my husband for $10/month to save us money. So, Hubby bought two, one for him and one for Stepdaughter. Basic plan is $10, with 100 text limit, and 10 cent per overtext, so she overcharged $80 the past month, and my brother can see all the phone numbers on his phone bill. Brother sympathisizes with my dilemma, agrees that Stepdaughter feels false sense of entitlement for her social college, costing us to got in $60, 000 debt.

My brother and parents were involved with the divorce plans, because I needed people to emotionally support me. My brother also clearly sees that my husband is walking all over me and is just trying to protect his little sis. 

Last night, I slept in the guest room because Hubby was being helpful and forgiving of everyone else except for me. I am the scapegoat of all his faults. It has been years since I had a real conversation with him and he actually listened and understood, rather than interject his criticism and make me cry.


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## Sensitive

Now, I feel as stuck as ever. Hubby doesn't want to sell the house, so we will go into debt together no matter how much I want to fight it. My parents can help me if I run out of money, but I really don't want to encourage Hubby's reckless spending by giving him a free loan from my parent's savings. Maybe Hubby married me for my bank account, but I won't let him take advantage of my parents. My brother also is being weird, I asked him to pay back the $600 cell phone check minus the current month, and I will watch the monthly payments, and write monthly checks. I did not like Hubby bribing or using my family for money. Brother said he will do a automatic check through his bank. Does he not trust me with a personal check?

I can continue to pretend that I am content with my current life, or I can wreck everyone else's life too, by finishing my divorce plan. I also have one friend who is encouraging me to just walk out, everyone else I know is following whatever idea I come up with. Currently, the kids are happy, and my head is clearing up since I have been on anti-depressant for over a month now. Reconciling is a very slow process, esp since these issues have infested my marriage for years.


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## Sensitive

I can't believe I am saying this again. I am paranoid Hubby may be following me online. I noticed my e-mails have been marked read when I did not read them. I have been complaining a lot in e-mails and in this forum, mostly for venting and helping me sort my thoughts in order to solve my marriage problems. Not many people know everything about our personal lives, so really he has no reason to feel jealous or whether there is any other man involved. If anything, when he asked about bringing stepparents into our sons lives, I wondered if he really is having an affair. I still think Hubby is the best person to give me advice and support, and yet he is my antagonist in this divorce situation. Hubby asked whether I was still planning a divorce, looking to move out, etc., I said no. He still feels I am treating him like some evil monster. I have slept in the guest room the past two nights, mostly to be alone and feel safe and rested. I was really surprised that he may allow a divorce because I am having such a hard time recovering from all this recent drama. I honestly don't know if we can return to a normal state again. I am sad that he is sad, so why do I carry so much hate and resentment. Can I ever build trust, loyalty, or love all over again? Leopards can't change its spots, and I have a lot of tough spots (but Hubby has more.)


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## Sensitive

Hubby is still trying to figure out my e-mails, but he has not confessed that he snooped. He thinks my brother is sabotaging our marriage to get our parents' approval. That is crazy! I really don't think I can go on like this. Yesterday, I thought I had a done deal with an amicable divorce. Now I feel Hubby wants me to tell him how great our marriage is.

Also, I feel I can't get out of that home equity loan. I already lost over $100, 000 so what is another $10, 000? I haven't seen Stepdaughter since she moved into the dorms, but am planning to see her and Ex-wife tomorrow. I really need a way to convince Ex-wife to share responsibilty of paying the $5,500/qtr tuition. I doubt she has any clue of the torture I went through in the past month or so. I am not sure if she will be sympathetic or had a grudge against me all along.


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## Sensitive

Hubby did remind Ex-wife about the winter tuition, and she thought it was half of what it really was. How could she not know? She already stop giving Hubby's band money towards tuition, and that is only about $50-$80/gig. Stepdaughter acts all clueless about where money comes from. She even admitted she sleeps through class, but she is very busy and doing well with being in dorms. She hasn't had any midterms yet, so I am hoping she will study, and not flunk out the first quarter.

Meanwhile, I really don't know where my marriage stands. I am really not much worse off than before all the talk of tuition/loan costs. Realizing I have been letting Hubby take advantage of the marriage has only made me more sad, but Hubby is actually still indifferent. Maybe I need an assertiveness training course. Or Hubby just needs a Marriage Basics course.


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## hoping

let me first say, I'm truely sorry that you and your family are having such a hard time.

but, it sounds to me like you and your hubby have both mentally checked out of the marriage. have you considered, if you truely want it to work, that you both seek joint as well as the counseling you have recieved (my wife is on anti depresents and she had to see a counselor to get on them, so i assume you did as well) it sounds like there are several issues affecting your marriage and perhaps a joint session would lead to him getting the help he needs, both as a father and a husband. it sounds to me like he is trying to over compensate with his daughter (perhaps for the hurt she felt when his first marriage failed) though that is not an excuse, it does sound like he needs help for that and as for the rest, i think he may just not see all that he is putting you through, perhaps a couselor will be able to show him, you continuing to try and point it out is only going to drive a deaper wedge of resentment. it also sounds like he has major problems with trusting you and respecting you, and just playing "devils advocate" here, but could it be due to his previous relationship? or the way he acted in his previous relationship? (i did it she might too) i realy think he need counseling. the way he treats you is definatly wrong and you should not put up with it, but perhaps, if you want to, you two could work on your problems together. you could support him as he seeks counseling and he could support you as you learn to defend your self and be happy with your self.

other wise, if you are just sick of it and you are done. then i would suggest separating, taking the boys and getting out before he can see a threat coming. (by threat i mean a disruption to his family and his state of being, not a physical threat) No one would want your emotional abuse to get worse or turn to a physical abuse should he feel threatened.


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## Sensitive

Hubby confessed he saw my nasty e-mails about him. I just don't understand why he didn't admit it before. I guess there is still a big wall of resentment. I haven't tried to talk to Hubby much in the past few weeks, trying to recover from my depressive episode. I also have been feeling sick, so now I feel physically miserable as well emotionally miserable.


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## Feelingalone

Hang in there S, there is always a gift from the universe around the corner. I know you are hurting, but you are getting out of your depressive state, so that is a positive. The fog is clearing, just see what the clean glass tells you.


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## Sensitive

We had a counseling session yesterday. I felt it was the easiest one yet, since we weren't currently angry or fighting about anything. When I got home, Hubby was upset because I said bad things about him to the counselor. I was baffled, you are supposed to open up and tell the truth. Why hold back? I needed someone else to listen and offer inpartial advice. I ended up apologizing and asking for his forgiveness, but really I felt I didn't do anything wrong. It appears he will never accept any responsiblity in improving our marriage. Granted there are a lot of couples with worse problems, but I believe we can do better. Right now, I need to focus on myself, and try to be a happier person.


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## hoping

i hope you only said some thing like "i'm sorry you were hurt" not i'm sorry i said those things" if you are not open and honest then you are right, it won't do iether of you any good and you should not have to appoligize for being heart felt and honest. especially when you are talking about how to fix the problems.


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## Sensitive

I am trying to return to that normal steady state, and it is so difficult. Knowing I was so close to divorce just really threw a wrench into all my plans. Every little thing Hubby says just rubs me the wrong way. I try to let things slide, even more than before, but I don't know how much of my integrity I am compromising.

Our last argument says it all. Hubby says he wants to travel the world like on Amazing Race. He wanted me to take away my laptop from our son (we were all three sitting on the sofa) just so he can show me Dubai Islands. I said No, our son is playing on the laptop now. I also said that sounds too tiring, why not take separate trips. It's expensive to travel, and Hubby hasn't saved any money. How does he expect to pay for our kids college and still go on exotic vacations? Hubby was also shocked that I would actually be considerate of our son, and not just snatch his game away from him. Hubby also said he would travel with his daughter instead, since I don't want him to be happy. Remember this is the same stepdaughter who is using $60,000 of our family income, and leaving two sons with nothing. Now Hubby wants to spend $100, 000 + to go on a world tour with her?

Why doesn't Hubby live in reality? He still has little children to raise. Of course, we had both planned to travel when we retired and had some more money, but now is not the time to talk about it. 

Stupid me, I still forgive him. We had a good talk about the status of our marriage and our life plans. It was good to know that he was stressed by his job, and wants to move on to something he is better at. I hope this accounts for some of his moodiness. Also, I recommitted to trying harder to be "nice." His "nice" is my definition of being fake. He wants me to be the perfect wife that he feels he deserves. He thinks I can do it. He wants me to believe that he is the prefect husband for me, but I don't think it can ever happen. There are way too many annoying things that he has done, I don't think I can reverse everything and just forgive and forget.

I am trying to let things improve naturally. I am trying not to focus on negatives or even look forward to the future. Getting lost in my own thoughts has gotten me in this trap. I just need to know how to break free.


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## Sensitive

We had a family get-together for his side of the family. Hubby woke me up after a 3 hr. nap. He has be very unfirm in his decisions lately. Not that I am inflexible, but why can't I at least be allowed to sleep a little after my night shift? The reason is so Stepdaughter can study and dance on her schedule. He thinks if he tells me something, (let's say Stepdaughter wants to party at another college at Halloween) (or he is taking out a$10,000 loan.), he can change his mind at anytime, without my knowledge. If he is going to make a huge financial commitment without my approval, of course I will worry. Just because he found another alternative, I think he should just tell me, and relieve me of more worry. I asked if we are selling Stepdaughter's junker car, since she doesn't need it walking on campus. At least we can save some money on the car insurance, since it has been idle in our driveway for the past month. Stepdaughter has shown very neglectful habits since being "free" on campus. She admits to not eating the commons meals at all, because she is too busy. How can a 19 year old not know that you need food to survive? Also, we are paying about $1500 for her meals, and she is so ungrateful and wasteful. I suspect she is not responsible enough to learn the meal hours, and rather just skip meals rather than look it up. 

About the car, I can't believe she has the nerve to ask for it back just for a weekend. Hubby said he will make the long rural drive for her. Stepdaughter and her friends don't want parents or small children to tag along. I am willing to bet that Hubby will give in, and let her take the car, even though he is worried that she will wreck in the dark. (She only had her license less than a year, and never out of town or at nighttime.) I really hope she will straighten herself out and take college seriously. She is already having roommate problems. She sees her mother several times a week, so really her dorm is only for her to party and sleep in a bed that is away from her parents. I think it is a total waste of money. Also, today I was peeved that Hubby begged Ex-wife to come to the get-together after she already devlined the invitation. I just don't get why Ex-wife, and Stepdaughter are more important than me and our two sons. I guess I am still bitter. I need more sleep. I don't like working three nights in a row.


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## Sensitive

I can't believe Hubby is still clueless. When I told him I did not like him socializing and sharing conversations for hours with his ex-wife, I meant I wanted him to stop. Instead he had another conversation with her where they make fun of me, saying how stupid I was for even thinking an affair is posssibly going on. It's not the affair,or the sex talk, or the time he spends with her (away from me and our sons) that bothers me the most. It is how he ranks everyone else ahead of me. For example, Ex-wife complains about other band members for 30 mins everyday. Hubby emails all of the members and defends her, and threatening to quit the band if they don't stop. Really, she just takes criticism too harshly. Hubby would never in a million years defend my honor or comfort my hurt feelings. As his wife, I feel entitled to some sort of respect. Clearly betraying my trust and lying about it does not secure our future as a couple. To make matters worse, I spiked another fever and felt sick, so I went to bed early. Hubby wakes me up from my sleep to tell me the ex-wife story, and how she wants to drive his daughter to and from (90 mins each way, so 6 hours of driving) her party college for the weekend. He even voluteered to pay for a hotel for all her friends. He is just insane, a room and board for her college is not enough for her princess attitude. She must drain more of Hubby's income for her selfish needs.


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## Sensitive

I must post here to convince myself that I really want to reconcile. Hubby and I had another huge fight. He felt sad and I had to build him back up. I have too many secrets, and we have been distant due to my recovery period, or remission, whatever you want to call it. Sad as all my posts are, I really want to stay in the marriage. I know we need each other and are pretty compatible. Every day is a new adventure. Once I get off the cycle, I can be more happy and hopeful about life.


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## Beninyourshoes

S,

I will have to say that you guys are a mess. I tried to read down through all of this and there sounds like you guys have feelings for each other but you both are constantly trying to out due or control the other. I luckily don't have the step kid problem because I am still trying to salvage my first and only marriage but I did grow up as a step kid with the "Evil Stepmother". You really sound like you resent your H's daughter. You don't sound like someone that took her in and was willing to lover her as if she was your own. As far as the Ex goes, you should have realized that there is going to be conversation between the two due to the minor children involved. I remember as a child my dad having to drop his wife off at a restaurant so he could come to the house with out a confrontation and pick us up. (Another reason I don't recommend re-marriage until kids are grown).

I am assuming from your story that you and your husband do not combine your incomes. You have yours and he has his. When the both of you got married, your assets became one as well as your incomes. One area that I don't have a problem with in my marriage is money. All the money goes into ONE account (OURS, not yours and mine), we sit down and write out the bills or expenses and work out a budget TOGETHER, so that the BOTH of us can agree were the money goes. If the child's mother is not willing to help out financially with expense of college, that is not your husbands fault. He probably feels bad because he is left with the burden all on his shoulders. He can't help that he loves his daughter no more than you can help loving your children. I am not saying he is handling it correctly but compromise goes a long way. Compromise doesn't mean one person is right either, it's give and take.

As far as the emails go, who cares if he is reading them. Do you feel shame or have something to hide. My wife could care less if I read her emails. 

I would also like to say that if you are going to try and build your relationship back, the family members have to stay out of the details. You will build resentment amongst your family and your husband otherwise. You may forgive him but they probably will not. My wife and I have talked in detail about the things that went wrong in our marriage and a lot of the problems are because of her parents influence on our lives. We stopped for a second and listened to how they talk to each other and how they treat each other and guess what, they don't treat each other with love, kindness, and respect. This was the only example of a marriage my wife grew up with and didn't know any other way. We have looked back and seen how the W's mom did not like me because I was not her choice of husband for their daughter. So they influence you and brain wash you into believing things that are not really any of their business. You may not have this going on, but talk your problems out with a non-biased counselor that has no personal interest in either of you and let the family stay out. Nothing worse than a grandmother bad talking to the grand kids about their father or mother.

Another thought about college is, if you guys can't afford it, why are you trying to. Let her get some student loans and have her filling out every scholarship program she can get her hands on. My wife and I had been married four years before she decided to go to college and we paid for it ourselves. She filled out hundreds of $200,$500,$1,500 scholarships and got some of them and then she got academic scholarships for making good grades. It can be done and it doesn't have to break up a marriage.

Go hug your husband and let him know that you want to work things out and you understand that due to your depression, maybe you were not the easiest person to get along with and you want to work things out TOGETHER. Try and like the stepdaughter a little more too, it doesn't matter if she doesn't like you. That is natural, I didn't like my step mother either. Now that I have grown up, I realize she was not so bad. What I am trying to say is, Don't burn any bridges that you may want to cross one day.


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## Beninyourshoes

Sensitive said:


> I must post here to convince myself that I really want to reconcile. Hubby and I had another huge fight. He felt sad and I had to build him back up. I have too many secrets, and we have been distant due to my recovery period, or remission, whatever you want to call it. Sad as all my posts are, I really want to stay in the marriage. I know we need each other and are pretty compatible. Every day is a new adventure. Once I get off the cycle, I can be more happy and hopeful about life.



I hear love in the tone of your voice. The both of you need to learn how to love each other again. Start fresh and get it right this time for the children's sake.

My wife and I are doing the "Love Dare" book and we are having so much fun doing it. If you are not familiar with it, look it up.


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## ytmuse

good luck both of you


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