# Sexless and affection less wife



## Zane (Jun 17, 2016)

I'm 54 my wife is 52 and we haven't had sex in five years. She is going through menopause and says she just has no interest in sex. I am at my wits end. Besides no sex she shows no affection what so ever. I've tried numerous times over the years, not to have sex but just be affectionate toward her. Rub her back hold her hand kiss her neck and get no responce. I tell her often how beautiful she is. Which by the way is absolutely true. She looks better now then she ever has. Whenever we go out I always see men checking her out. She knows she is very attractive. A couple of months ago I asked her if she loved me, she said yes. Then I asked if she was in love with me and she said yes. I asked if she was having an affair and her response was "with who" then she said no. Then she said because I don't want sex you think I'm having an affair? I said sex is a small part of it, you don't show any affection toward me. Her reply was "I'm sorry ". I said I wasn't looking for an apology. A couple of months go by and nothing has changed. About a week ago she comes home from one of the many nights out with friends, I'm already in bed. She gets in bed and I tell her it's not fair to string me along like this , I know you don't love me so just be honest and tell me the truth. Some more words back and forth and tears. She says she does love me , not having an affair. She couldn't imagine spending he life with anybody else. Then she said her business makes her happy and that is what is important to her. Then she tells me a story of a friend of hers about our age that married a man 22 years older and he has lost interest in sex and gave her permission to have sex outside the marriage. So my wife said she would understand if I did that. My head was spinning. In a million years I wouldn't think she would say something like that. So is she having an affair, does she love me. I don't know what the hell to think. I am seriously considering moving out.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

So there are two outcomes from a possible investigation

1. She has an affair (with our without sex) and you do not get sex anyway.

2. She has no affair and you do not get sex anyway.

I would say it does not matter what is happening, you have no sex life and you are not going to get one.

Can you live with that? If not you have to divorce and find another woman for whom love is more comprehensive.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Have you started investigating her? Look at phone records, look at her text messages/email, etc? Might be time to be a VAR (voice recorder) in her car to see who's she talking to. If you have access to her cell phone bill, you'll know quickly if something is up. She could also have a burner phone that you don't know about, which is how you'll catch her with a VAR.

I'd say divorce her and find someone to have sex with. Don't waste anymore years being miserable. You don't have much time left.

But like SeeListenLove above said, does it even matter? You aren't getting sex either way!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

So she granted you a hall pass ... possibly to make herself feel better about having an affair


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## Zane (Jun 17, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Have you started investigating her? Look at phone records, look at her text messages/email, etc? Might be time to be a VAR (voice recorder) in her car to see who's she talking to. If you have access to her cell phone bill, you'll know quickly if something is up. She could also have a burner phone that you don't know about, which is how you'll catch her with a VAR.
> 
> I'd say divorce her and find someone to have sex with. Don't waste anymore years being miserable. You don't have much time left.
> 
> But like SeeListenLove above said, does it even matter? You aren't getting sex either way!


 She has a password on her phone and what is a VAR?


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## Zane (Jun 17, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


> So she granted you a hall pass ... possibly to make herself feel better about having an affair


Someone else suggested that also.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A VAR is a voice activated recorder.

Most people who are having an affair use their car as a private phone booth. One of the easiest ways to find out if your spouse is having an affair is to put a VAR in their vehicle. Use adhesive backed velcor to secure it in place.. like up under the front seat. Then see if she is talking to some affair partner while driving around.

Don't jump at the hall pass. It could be a cover for her own actions. If a VAR does not turn up anything then hire a PI to find out where she is going and with whom.

You really need to re-think staying married to her. She says that her business is the most important thing to her. You and her marriage should be the most important thing. Apparenlty you make her life easy in some important ways, so she wants to keep those things around.

Have you considered divorce? I personally would not stay in a marriage that was like that... well I actually did divorce my husband for being like your wife.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Do some research. Check into things like how sex releases bonding chemicals (the same ones used to bond mother to infant during breastfeeding...very powerful) and that, were you to have an outside sex partner, you are very likely to also emotionally bond to said partner. Especially since many men report that they use sex specifically to feel close to their partners.

Explain to your wife. Tell her that there is no reason to stay in a sham marriage where your physical AND emotional needs will be getting met elsewhere. Tell her that she can either re-prioritize, put your marriage first, seek medical help in the form of hormone therapy to get her libido back, and start having sex with you again or you're moving out, separating, and filing. Then follow through if nothing changes within, say, 6 months.


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## Zane (Jun 17, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> A VAR is a voice activated recorder.
> 
> Most people who are having an affair use their car as a private phone booth. One of the easiest ways to find out if your spouse is having an affair is to put a VAR in their vehicle. Use adhesive backed velcor to secure it in place.. like up under the front seat. Then see if she is talking to some affair partner while driving around.
> 
> ...


I'm not jumping at the hall pass, I love my wife more now then I ever did. I don't want another woman. And you're right I do make her life easy. I hand her my pay check every week and her health insurance is through me. She wouldn't be able to afford it on her own. I never never go out. I work and come home. I called two PIs they are very expensive. And I consider divorce almost every day. I'm going to look into a VAR.


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## Zane (Jun 17, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Do some research. Check into things like how sex releases bonding chemicals (the same ones used to bond mother to infant during breastfeeding...very powerful) and that, were you to have an outside sex partner, you are very likely to also emotionally bond to said partner. Especially since many men report that they use sex specifically to feel close to their partners.
> 
> Explain to your wife. Tell her that there is no reason to stay in a sham marriage where your physical AND emotional needs will be getting met elsewhere. Tell her that she can either re-prioritize, put your marriage first, seek medical help in the form of hormone therapy to get her libido back, and start having sex with you again or you're moving out, separating, and filing. Then follow through if nothing changes within, say, 6 months.


She won't do hormone therapy for fear of cancer. As far as threating to move out, about three years ago I did say I was leaving and the only thing she said was your going to leave me with the morgage and I'll lose the house. She never said I love you and don't want to to leave. She is good at making me feel guilty.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Zane said:


> She won't do hormone therapy for fear of cancer. As far as threating to move out, about three years ago I did say I was leaving and the only thing she said was your going to leave me with the morgage and I'll lose the house. She never said I love you and don't want to to leave. She is good at making me feel guilty.


If you are going to divorce her, see an attorney and get your ducks in a row before telling her.

She said that her business is the most important thing to her right now. Does she earn enough to support herself?

If she cannot afford the house, you can stay their during the divorce as force the sale of the house, or buy her out if you can afford it. Don't let her guilt trip you like that. Just like the house thing, there is a reasonable solution for things.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Zane said:


> I'm going to look into a VAR.


If you get anything on the VAR that is upsetting, do not talk to her about it right away. Think about it for a few days and plan what you will do to confront her and what you want.

One good way to handle it is to come here and post, we can help you plan.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I didn't need HRT after menopause and I didn't lose desire. Many women don't. I'd be suspicious of her many nights out with friends. Not many married 52 year olds are out all that often.

Her business is going to provide cold comfort when she's divorced. Treat her concerns as callously as she is treating yours. What do you have to feel guilty about?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

When a spouse tells you it's ok to have sex with other people, that's prima facia evidence that she doesn't love you. As for an affair, well who knows. Does it really matter? She hasn't had sex with you in 5 years and doesn't care enough about you to even try. In fact she cares so little about you that she wants you to get it elsewhere and stop bothering her. Just keep the checks coming.


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## Zane (Jun 17, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Zane said:
> 
> 
> > She won't do hormone therapy for fear of cancer. As far as threating to move out, about three years ago I did say I was leaving and the only thing she said was your going to leave me with the morgage and I'll lose the house. She never said I love you and don't want to to leave. She is good at making me feel guilty.
> ...


Neither one of us could afford to stay in the house.


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## Zane (Jun 17, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> When a spouse tells you it's ok to have sex with other people, that's prima facia evidence that she doesn't love you. As for an affair, well who knows. Does it really matter? She hasn't had sex with you in 5 years and doesn't care enough about you to even try. In fact she cares so little about you that she wants you to get it elsewhere and stop bothering her. Just keep the checks coming.


That's exactly how I took it.


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## MapMan (Dec 11, 2015)

While it can be hormonal, I believe you are getting excellent advice on how to proceed with your verification. A marriage without sex and affection is not a marriage, especially when it existed in the past. 

I was in a sexless marriage and overcame it. I too thought my wife might be having an affair, but never found anything. Meanwhile, I took the necessary steps to bring back sex and affection to the marriage. It worked.

The link below is to a book which gives an explanation to what has happened and literally gives a step-by-step explanation on how to get your wife to want sex with you. In fact, the book guarantees it, with one caveat, that it's not guaranteed to be with the same wife. It does not advise cheating or divorce, but lays down the process on how to become sexually attractive to your wife as you once were and sets parameters to help you decide what you will do if she doesn't come around. It really works. It also will educate you about cheating.

https://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-...8&sr=1-1&keywords=married+man+sex+life+primer


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Zane said:


> That's exactly how I took it.


There is a chance she told you that just to test you. Clandestine planning for divorce seems like a way to proceed. 

Meanwhile you should also make a good faith effort to reconcile. Tell her a sexless marriage is not a marriage and insist on going to therapy together in an effort to reconcile. You will get one of two things from this. A) You may uncover something happened you are unaware of in the relationship that makes reconciliation possible. B) Your ongoing efforts to end the marriage will be validated, particularly if she refuses to go, and you can document that you tried this to reconcile before ending it. 

Good luck, 
Badsanta


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Good faith effort? Lol what do you call the last 5 years?


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## Zane (Jun 17, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Good faith effort? Lol what do you call the last 5 years?


Another very good point WorkingOnMe


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Zane said:


> Neither one of us could afford to stay in the house.


Then if you divorce, live in it together until you sell the house. The split any equity.

Many couples live in the same house during the divorce process for the very reason that neither could afford the house on their own. One of you just moves to another bedroom.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Zane said:


> I'm not jumping at the hall pass, I love my wife more now then I ever did. I don't want another woman. And you're right I do make her life easy. I hand her my pay check every week and her health insurance is through me. She wouldn't be able to afford it on her own. I never never go out. I work and come home. I called two PIs they are very expensive. And I consider divorce almost every day. I'm going to look into a VAR.


And you have no sex life also already for five years....

You seem only to care for the affair problem. Are you sure you would even want a sex life, or is it only a problem NOW in the light of a possible affair?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> *When a spouse tells you it's ok to have sex with other people, that's prima facia evidence that she doesn't love you.* As for an affair, well who knows. Does it really matter? She hasn't had sex with you in 5 years and doesn't care enough about you to even try. In fact she cares so little about you that she wants you to get it elsewhere and stop bothering her. Just keep the checks coming.


He's right.


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## Zane (Jun 17, 2016)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Zane said:
> 
> 
> > I'm not jumping at the hall pass, I love my wife more now then I ever did. I don't want another woman. And you're right I do make her life easy. I hand her my pay check every week and her health insurance is through me. She wouldn't be able to afford it on her own. I never never go out. I work and come home. I called two PIs they are very expensive. And I consider divorce almost every day. I'm going to look into a VAR.
> ...


No, the idea of her having an affair has been on my mind for quite awhile. And it's not just sex I want but affection also.


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

I wonder sometimes when I read these stories of menopausal women considering allowing their spouses a hall pass if it is out of fear.

Dealing with the stigma of menopause, low desire, insecurity, self devaluation, and hormonal changes all adds up. Just these issues alone could cause anybody to display self defeating behaviors.

Then the husband comes along pressing the issues back onto her shatters what is left of their already fragile ego.

So they want to make sure that their husbands are happy, because they don't believe they will ever be themselves satisfied, or satisfactory.

She's scared of you leaving, but don't think for a second she is actually OK with you having an affair. God, that would kill her.

Sent from my Z936L using Tapatalk


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## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

Zane said:


> I'm 54 my wife is 52 and we haven't had sex in five years. She is going through menopause and says she just has no interest in sex. I am at my wits end. Besides no sex she shows no affection what so ever. I've tried numerous times over the years, not to have sex but just be affectionate toward her. Rub her back hold her hand kiss her neck and get no responce. I tell her often how beautiful she is. Which by the way is absolutely true. She looks better now then she ever has. Whenever we go out I always see men checking her out. She knows she is very attractive. A couple of months ago I asked her if she loved me, she said yes. Then I asked if she was in love with me and she said yes. I asked if she was having an affair and her response was "with who" then she said no. Then she said because I don't want sex you think I'm having an affair? I said sex is a small part of it, you don't show any affection toward me. Her reply was "I'm sorry ". I said I wasn't looking for an apology. A couple of months go by and nothing has changed. About a week ago she comes home from one of the many nights out with friends, I'm already in bed. She gets in bed and I tell her it's not fair to string me along like this , I know you don't love me so just be honest and tell me the truth. Some more words back and forth and tears. She says she does love me , not having an affair. She couldn't imagine spending he life with anybody else. Then she said her business makes her happy and that is what is important to her. Then she tells me a story of a friend of hers about our age that married a man 22 years older and he has lost interest in sex and gave her permission to have sex outside the marriage. So my wife said she would understand if I did that. My head was spinning. In a million years I wouldn't think she would say something like that. So is she having an affair, does she love me. I don't know what the hell to think. I am seriously considering moving out.


Your story is so similar to mine, only my wife does not say she loves me.
We are the same age and I live in a sexless marriage too. 

I honestly do not know what I would do if my wife said I could have sex with other women. That's a real red flag.


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## Zane (Jun 17, 2016)

foolscotton3 said:


> I wonder sometimes when I read these stories of menopausal women considering allowing their spouses a hall pass if it is out of fear.
> 
> Dealing with the stigma of menopause, low desire, insecurity, self devaluation, and hormonal changes all adds up. Just these issues alone could cause anybody to display self defeating behaviors.
> 
> ...


I am NOT pressing the issue, believe it or not I have brought it up only a handful of times in FIVE years.


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

Zane said:


> I am NOT pressing the issue, believe it or not I have brought it up only a handful of times in FIVE years.


But the one time you did press the issue is the one time she suggested the hall pass, AFTER acknowledging she still loves you, couldn't imagine her life without you, and reassuring you that she wasn't having an affair.

I would assume that she lead into the hall pass with the story of her friend. If that is the case, the explanation of what she was suggesting preceded the suggestion, should tell you that this came with much thought. She wasn't put on the spot, or didn't feel that way when you inquired her fidelity. This wasn't typical female justification for irrational behavior, she was suggesting what a man had suggested to his wife, a man that was not having an affair on his wife.

Based on how she introduced the hall pass, I don't suspect it was anything but the truth. However, she is rather irrational, I wouldn't take her up on the offer, it wasn't her idea (to begin with).

Sent from my Z936L using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife's issues might have nothing to do with menopause. I know plenty of women who went through menopause, myself included, whose sex drive was not affected at all.

There is a book that might help give you a different way to look at things.. it could help: Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel


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## BlueandBlond (Jun 20, 2016)

Hi Zane,

Just new to this site and I have to say that I am in pretty much the same position as you are. My husband doesn't want anything to do with me either. We haven't had sex in 4 years as of this September and in the past 12 years it has only been 4 times. I was going to post my own story for some advice later once I see what people have to say about certain situations.

You said that she mentioned about giving you permission to go outside the marriage. I know I have mentioned about having an open marriage for both my husband and myself because I am so frustrated of what he has done to me and our marriage that it is not fair I should suffer and then be loyal or be accused of cheating.

Your wife is probably comfortable in your marriage especially being at our age (I am 46 and my husband is 51) you don't really want to start all over in life but then again if you look ahead, we still have many years where we could be happy with someone else. You look at retirement which is very close and we are very comfortable and we still have two young children (12 & 14) with the oldest one out of the house. My husband won't talk or communicate and therapy didn't work either. I have much resentment and it builds all of the time. One day I will explode and then all hell will break loose. I won't have much sympathy at that point either.

I am an attractive lady who gets hit on, I am fit, eat healthy, exercise and very hands on within the house hold. I don't understand what the problem is and like you, if our spouses won't tell us, we can't fix it together. It could be too late to fix and then they blame us and don't understand why we are acting the way we do. So confusing for everyone!

I am going to tell my story and ask for advice in a few days and if I had an answer for you or help I would. If you are like me, I have tried everything and nothing has worked. I am thinking the threat of divorce is the next step. I haven't done that yet. Have you? I will be keeping an eye on your post and good luck!


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

I suggest coming at this from a very different perspective. Devote yourself to supporting your wife in her business. Spend every free moment figuring out ways for your wife's business to be more successful. Two primary alternatives. Maybe your devotion to her business will spark her interest in you. Unlikely but possible. On the other hand, if you help her turn her business into something very profitable, then you will set yourself up to be the one who GETS alimony in the divorce. Then you divorce her and take those checks she is writing you and retire. Hit the gym. Get a new wardrobe. Do a nice personal makeover to help you be more attractive to the women you are going to date. That way your wife is funding your post-divorce dating life. THAT is the "hall pass" you should be working toward.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Zane said:


> I do make her life easy. I hand her my pay check every week and her health insurance is through me. She wouldn't be able to afford it on her own. I never never go out. I work and come home.


This is part of your problem. She doesn't have to 'earn' you. You stopped being the 'man' she achieved; now you're just the partner who gives her everything she wants.

Why do you think there are so many romance novels? Women are more attracted to men who are hard to get, who they risk losing, who other women want. You are none of that. 

She's forgotten that she used to be (I assume) hot for you, so I suggest that you change the above things. 
Stop giving her so much money that she can do whatever she wants. If she wants more 'stuff,' let her figure out how to get it so she'll stop taking your money for granted.
Do the 180 and let her see you withdrawing from her. When she asks why, tell her exactly: I don't want to waste effort on a woman who treats me like a brother - I deserve more than that.
Get out of that damn house - reconnect with old friends; join a sports team and get into better shape; start dressing better and wear cologne; join some organizations and start attending events; get her wondering what you are doing with your life.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You already know you have a major problem in your marriage so why do you need a VAR?

If you are falling off a sky scraper in NYC, is it important to know the exact height of it?

You already know the scope of the problem. You care more about your wife than she cares about you. Your wife cares more about her job than she cares about you. Your wife does get benefits out of marriage to you.

So you have something to work with and once you start working with it you will figure out whether or not your wife will climb on bard the marital train or not (affair or no affair).

1. Decide that you will have an awesome, fun, sexual marriage and that this is something you refuse to compromise on in life.

2. Decide that any woman who is with you will prioritize her marriage over her job just as you are willilng to do.

3. Gain happiness and satisfaction knowing that you know what is important to you in life, you make choices based on your own beliefs and priorities and allow people in your life who choose to be there.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You have to be willing to lose your marriage to keep it. She has to know you won't just settle for being a roommate. Just knowing that will increase your rating with her.


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## AngelHeart888 (Jun 21, 2016)

Hmmm.... by the sound of her reaction, I honestly don't think that she's having an affair. But that's just my opinion.
I think she loves you and wants to be married, but she doesn't fully get that sex is a very important part of marriage. I suppose for some people, it's not as important, and I suppose that menopause has affected her sex drive (hormones can do that,) but still... it seems there is an emotional disconnect.
When there is emotional intimacy, sexual desire follows, I think.
So I think you need to work on the emotional intimacy part of your relationship. 
Otherwise, can you think of anything that could have turned her off to sex in such a profound way?


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

I would be really shocked if she hasn't been in a long term affair, probably started right around when sex stopped, or a few months before.

If she didn't want sex that would be one thing, maybe menopause triggered a hormone change so that her sex drive disappeared, it's possible. But not wanting any affection from you, a hand hold, a kiss, cuddling on the couch to a movie etc... Shows she has no romantic interest in you at all.

So your choices are:

1. She's having an affair and that's why she doesn't want sex or show affection, or want to receive affection

2. She's changed into basically a buddy you share a house with

Either way, both options seem to be unacceptable to you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zane said:


> I'm 54 my wife is 52 and we haven't had sex in five years. She is going through menopause and says she just has no interest in sex. I am at my wits end. Besides no sex she shows no affection what so ever. I've tried numerous times over the years, not to have sex but just be affectionate toward her. Rub her back hold her hand kiss her neck and get no responce. I tell her often how beautiful she is. Which by the way is absolutely true. She looks better now then she ever has. Whenever we go out I always see men checking her out. She knows she is very attractive. A couple of months ago I asked her if she loved me, she said yes. Then I asked if she was in love with me and she said yes. I asked if she was having an affair and her response was "with who" then she said no. Then she said because I don't want sex you think I'm having an affair? I said sex is a small part of it, you don't show any affection toward me. Her reply was "I'm sorry ". I said I wasn't looking for an apology. A couple of months go by and nothing has changed. About a week ago she comes home from one of the many nights out with friends, I'm already in bed. She gets in bed and I tell her it's not fair to string me along like this , I know you don't love me so just be honest and tell me the truth. Some more words back and forth and tears. She says she does love me , not having an affair. She couldn't imagine spending he life with anybody else. Then she said her business makes her happy and that is what is important to her. Then she tells me a story of a friend of hers about our age that married a man 22 years older and he has lost interest in sex and gave her permission to have sex outside the marriage. So my wife said she would understand if I did that. My head was spinning. In a million years I wouldn't think she would say something like that. So is she having an affair, does she love me. I don't know what the hell to think. I am seriously considering moving out.


Oh, you too, huh? 

The menopause can be a nightmare.

My wife made the "you can take a lover offer" but I turned it down.

Which was, it transpired, probably the right answer. 

Just stick with it. Hopefully it will get better.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> *When a spouse tells you it's ok to have sex with other people, that's prima facia evidence that she doesn't love you. *As for an affair, well who knows. Does it really matter? She hasn't had sex with you in 5 years and doesn't care enough about you to even try. In fact she cares so little about you that she wants you to get it elsewhere and stop bothering her. Just keep the checks coming.


Really? No. Not really. 

Not in every case.

OP, counselling might be of benefit.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> Really? No. Not really.
> 
> Not in every case.
> 
> OP, counselling might be of benefit.


I love my H but I'm sex averse. If I could know I'd never have to have sex again, I'd probably be perfectly fine living with him for the rest of my life. I WISH he'd find someone else to have sex with so it wouldn't fall on me. Then I could relax.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

turnera2 said:


> I love my H but I'm sex averse. If I could know I'd never have to have sex again, I'd probably be perfectly fine living with him for the rest of my life. I WISH he'd find someone else to have sex with so it wouldn't fall on me. Then I could relax.


You do realize how selfish that comes across?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*shrug*

He's well aware I have long-standing issues with sex. He knows that if he approaches me too quickly I'll push him away due to childhood issues. He knows that I want to please him, even if it gives me anguish, and we have compromised on a less-often schedule (once a week, after 36 years of marriage) so that I have some days to decompress from the stress of having sex. 

Thing is, he doesn't WANT anyone else. He's a one-person man, which is part of the reason I love him. But that doesn't erase my childhood issues. So we've struck a balance, finally, now that I've finally spoken up. Before that, two years ago, we were having sex 3 times a week, after 30+ years, and I was in a perpetual state of anxiety, because I knew I owed him sex, no matter how much harm it caused me.

We're at a better place than we've ever been before. But I still wish I didn't have to have sex. And he knows it. Now that he's 60+, I'm just hoping the desire wanes, so I can have a more comfortable, less stressful marriage.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Really? No. Not really.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Whatever helps you sleep at night Matt. I consider your wife a case in point. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

When do we get a var report?

No sex or intimacy of any kind in five years, she tells him he can screw other women, and she tells him her job is more important?

Where's the question?

This is a no brainer. Divorce her, let her enjoy her job and whatever else, and find a woman who will love you. This one just likes the comfort and security you provide.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Zane said:


> She won't do hormone therapy for fear of cancer. As far as threating to move out, about three years ago I did say I was leaving and the only thing she said was your going to leave me with the morgage and I'll lose the house. She never said I love you and don't want to to leave. She is good at making me feel guilty.


Three years ago you wanted out and that is how she reacted. Um, WOW. Just WOW.

Kick her to the curb.

I believe she is probably having an affair, but even if she's not--why is your wife having "many nights out" without you? No. Wrong answer. Not acceptable. That is not a marriage, that is two people living separate lives and you're the sucker paying the mortgage for both of them.

I believe you can't see the forest through the trees because you're in the thick of this and she's totally gotten the upper hand by being so indifferent and withholding to you. That may make you feel like you love her because you feel desperate. But seriously - what is there to love here? A woman who spends her free time out with others, shows you no affection and doesn't share sexual intimacy with you.

Honestly, you would probably be happier without her even if you don't find someone else. That has got to be just *brutal* on your self esteem.

What difference does it make in your quality of life if she claims to love you when you ask? It's not like she treats you with love. I would tell her:

I am not happy and this is what it will take to make me happy, if you're not up for the job, I'm filing for divorce. We both took vows and you are not living up to yours at all.

As for hormones and cancer scare -- others who know more about it than me can correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm going through menopause and I'm on hormones and my Dr. explained to me that the plant based bio-identical hormones they prescribe today are different than what was available during the big hormone scare, plus the big hormone scare was completely overblown. I don't remember the details but it was either a flawed study, or people writing articles that hyped up hysteria where they took real statistics but presented them in a misleading way. According to her, and this is her specialty, the dangers of NOT getting hormones if you need them far outweigh the risks of taking the hormones. 

Can you get your wife to talk to an ob/gyn who specializes in menopause? Maybe they will put her mind at ease. I have received so much relief from emotional pain due to menopause thanks to hormones, and most other women my age have too. It would be a shame to think she is suffering based on a misconception. But regardless, you can't be expected to live like that just because she won't get help.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> When do we get a var report?
> 
> No sex or intimacy of any kind in five years, she tells him he can screw other women, and she tells him her job is more important?
> 
> ...



All of this plus the " many nights out with friends "


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

*I asked if she was having an affair and her response was "with who" then she said no*

see above : " many nights out with friends "


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

turnera2 said:


> I love my H but I'm sex averse. If I could know I'd never have to have sex again, I'd probably be perfectly fine living with him for the rest of my life. I WISH he'd find someone else to have sex with so it wouldn't fall on me. Then I could relax.


Turnera I hate to be the bearer of bad news (to use a quote!  ) but if your husband Is falling on you, his technique is lousy. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BioFury said:


> You do realize how selfish that comes across?


Please do not confuse selfish and honest.

Turnera did not say she doesn't have sex. Just that she doesn't like it all that much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Whatever helps you sleep at night Matt. I consider your wife a case in point. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news.


What? Did you not realise that as women age their desire and ability to perform sexually can diminish?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Some people have sex not because the act itself is necessary to them, but because of the bond it creates between them and their partner. When you feel like you have that bond without sex, or you don't actually crave that bond at all, then sex will be shelved as an unnecessary act. There is nothing in the outcome that requires the action.

E.g. If sex is just a task to her, which it is, then let's think of it as washing the dishes. If everyday she wakes up and all the dishes are done, regardless of whether she makes the effort to do them the night before or not, then why would she make the effort to do the dishes? If she is the sort of person who doesn't care if the dishes pile a mile high, if it doesn't matter to her at all, again, why would she make the effort to do the dishes?

You have never given her any consequences for not bothering to do her part to keep the bond between you strong. Every morning she wakes up and there is her husband, affectionate and loving, living with her in a sexless marriage for 5 years and counting.

Neither of you will make any effort to change because it's easier to do nothing and you refuse to take any risks.


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