# Can my marriage be saved???



## CJGM (Dec 22, 2008)

Hi i am new to this site and hope someone can give me some words of encouragement i so despreatly need right now. Outline of my story. Found out in October husband of 20 years had had a year long affair with work colleague. It was more than just sex and he had become emotionally involved with her. We decided to seperate but after packing all his stuff, he declared he had made a huge mistake and wanted to stay. We have two boys 18 and 3 years old. After struggling for the last 2 months he now tells me he is flat all the time and i think he is depressed. He says he does not want to be with her and wants to stay with me and the boys. He went to the doctors last week and was prescribed anti depressants. I am really struggling at the moment as i am receiving nothing from him, no emotional or physical contact. I am lucky if i get a peck on the cheek when he goes to sleep. I appreciate that if he is depressed he may not be able to give me what i need right now but how do you live like this when your heart is breaking.
Any advice would be great


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Your marriage can be saved but it takes a long hard time to do it .. you need to talk to your husband seek help dont be afraid to tell him how you feel... why did he feel the need to be with someone else ? you have to be totally honest with him and yourself


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## CJGM (Dec 22, 2008)

Thanks for the reply. He just wont talk to me at the minute as he just says he is flat. Do i wait to see if he really is depressed and the tablets kick in. Trying to get appointment with relate but not having much luck at the minute. Trying to be understanding but it is so hard


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I tried to get my H to talk for the longest time. I became so depressed with it all, and I eventually lost myself. 

I learned to back off and take care of my own emotional needs again. It was really hard, and hurt a lot at first. I felt unloved, lonely and all that. But now i think i see him in the right light. He's just a man with problems and he has his limitations. I have other outlets now to meet my emotional needs, so when he's not there for me, its not so bad.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

i can imagen .. your hurting so much at the moment if he cant talk can he write down how he feels ..you can only start to make your marrige work by communicating with each other.do you love him if so tell him that you want to make your marrige work and that your not gonna give up on him ..that maybe in time you wont forget but you can start to forgive


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## CJGM (Dec 22, 2008)

When i first found out about the affair i was weepy and clingly to him all the time. I have now started to distance myself from him and take a step back. I just want to get things back to where they were when we had good times and i just wondered if anyone had any positive experiences


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

ive been married 18 yeas my husband had a affair for 6 months 6 years ago i have forgiven him but ill never forget the look on his face when i told him i knew .. i went through being angry emotional feeling worthless... we split for a while and i let him deside if he wanted to work hard to rebuild i didnt contact him in that time ..that was hard but i needed to know he wanted to be here for us and that he wasnt here beause i was a emotional wreck time and communication .. now we are very much in love and very much happy together


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

dont get me wrong we have had tough times on both sides thats what being married is all about ..its hard work i find we only have problems when we stop talking.


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## CJGM (Dec 22, 2008)

Did he talk to you about it. When i first found out he talked quite openly about it and we did have long conversations. Now he has just clammed up, I am really hoping the tablets help him. I have asked him to leave three times and each time he says he wants to stay, but he is doing nothing to help the situation. Do you thing he is depressed.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

my husband only started talking when we went to relate it was very controlled so it didnt become a slanging match , i wanted to know every detail of his affair he wasnt willing to let me know . that hurt . i think hes depressed but he needs to face facts if he wants to save his marriage he needs to put his time and energy into fighting for it ..i know you are hurting more then your letting on ..you will go through so many different phases please look after yourself first !! and get some counselling


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

dont give up on your marriage you can work through this together and you can become stronger and more in love for it x


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## CJGM (Dec 22, 2008)

Thank you so much for your replies. I feel like my whole life is in bits at the moment and i am trying to be strong for the boys. Relate have just got back to me and unfortunatly my area are not taking on any new clients - whats all that about. They offered me phone counselling but i know h wont do that. I will let you know how its going. Really hoping the tablets make a difference. At the moment he is struggling with side effects so feels rough. hopefully they wont last too long. By the way i am really pleased that your marriage worked out. Thats really good to hear


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

sorry to hear relate are full up at the moment !! just shows you your not alone lots of people go through problems .. you can work through this .. have you thought about other cousellers and maybe he can reg on here it does help to talk to others wishing you good luck thinking of you and keep treading the water you marriage can be saved xx


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Marriage can and do recover from affairs but it is difficult and can be a long process. Your husband is likely suffering on several levels because of the mess he has made. First off meds for depression can take time to get right. Make sure he stays on the doses prescribed and that he makes his follow up appointments with the physician. There may be some tuning to do. Second while he has stated that he has no interest in TOW he may still be in withdrawal from her. If the affair became emotional as you stated he won’t get passed her overnight. As much as you both would like that it won’t happen. Finally he is dealing with his own failure in hurting you and his family. He doesn’t want to talk about it at this time but some time in the future he will need to in order to give you both closure. I think your “stepping back” from this is wise. It gives you a chance to get back to an emotional center and better judge the situation. If you are unable to find face to face counseling services try your place of worship. If they don’t offer it they can likely direct you to a place that does, even if it is of a different faith. You husband has committed a terrible crime against your marriage and I feel for you. You are willing to work to recover and I commend you for that. Keep him on the straight and narrow, communicate with him when you are both ready and the marriage can recover. You are very low right now but this can get better. Good luck.


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