# Newly Wed Problems



## Kangaroo

Hello everyone, this is my first post, I'm just wanting some advice and counsel from Christian people who love God and love the Bible!!! I am actually very upset about what's going on and I am really desperate for guidance!

I have been a Christian my whole life, from a pastor's family, all my spiritual fathers/mothers are basically related to me (in my uncle's church right now), so all the spiritual leaders I could ask for help...it's just too awkward: uncle, aunt, mother, father....or their friends. My family wasn't perfect but my parents are very Godly people, and I appreciate and honor them greatly, and I thank God for them every day!

I have been married just under one month to a Christian like me, except he has only been walking with God for a few years, he also came from a non-Christian, abusive family (drugs, alcohol, etc.), so our family backgrounds are very different - which may explain some problems we are having.

He was a rebellious teenager, with drug and alcohol abuse, previous sexual partners, and he had a serious conversion experience and is really running hard after God now, it's one of the things that I love about him, his passion for Jesus. As for me, I honored my parents, was in church, mission work, etc. (my struggles have been more "church people" problems, like fear, struggles with religion over God's love and grace, etc.). I have never had any sexual partners, in fact my husband is the only person I have ever kissed, the only boy I've actually dated!

I currently feel really disillusioned with my marriage, and I feel really hopeless right now because of some things that have been going on. I'll try to explain well, but if any of you need more information in order to help me, please just ask.

1. My husband doesn't really want to have sex, at least not as much as I do (I would like to have sex at least once a day, because I like it, I just got married, and I have never had any of this before, and I feel closer to my husband when that's happening). I feel like I am always initiating and being rejected which makes me feel unloved and undesirable. We tend to have sex every few days, but it's short and unsatisfying and there isn't any passion on his part (I am a very passionate and loving person, always have been, one of my love languages is touch). He blames me for not being satisfied, saying that I don't want to finish, but he's also admitted he says this because he feels inadequate, even though I try to be sensitive. It's not really the quality I'm worried about, it's the quantity, and I know it will get better over time anyway. My husband grew up with a controlling mother and he tends to act in passive aggressive ways, but I don't feel that I am controlling or nagging him (though he would probably say I nagg him for sex, but I really don't know how else to ask, often I have tried to initiate and he says "I'm going to bed", or something like that, it hurts that I'm like the guy and he's the tired house wife, it really does.) [If I should go into more detail, and post in the sex section of the forum just let me know]. This has all ended with my husband saying that I only married him for sex, and that I need to stop asking, and that marriage is more than this. I know all that, and I have told him many times all the reasons I love him and married him. But, I really don't feel like my needs are being met at all, and when I bring up the issue he belittles it, gets angry, or blames me. Which leads into #2...

2. My husband is usually very nice and kind, but when he is upset he can be very mean (which he knows and is sorry for), he will say mean and hurtful things (specific things he knows are harmful) to make me feel bad because he's upset or angry. He always apologizes later, but it's really damaging to me psychologically. I never say mean things like that to him, and I don't retaliate in anger when he's like this. I actually just stay silent and cry, and I'll be depressed for a while afterwards, then he apologizes. But the wounds are still there and then I wonder if he's really sorry and if he really thinks those things - it's very damaging. He has said things like, "why don't you just go back to your parents, they'll take care of you", "you don't have any friends", "I'll just be single, and not have to answer to anyone anymore"....many of these things make me feel that he doesn't love me, and that he regrets marrying me, and that he's going to leave me.

3. For anyone who knows, we are both charismatic Christians (similar and connected to the IHOP movement), and we both love God a lot and want to serve him our whole lives in ministry. But, since getting married, I have felt that my husband feels he is more "godly" than me, he actually said once that he doesn't feel equally yoked with me (as in he's more desperate for God, he wants to pray more, fast more, etc.). This is very hurtful to me because it's not true, and I feel that my faith and love of God is being questioned all the time...I really don't know what to do about this, and it seems so silly to me too, because I have been faithfully serving God for two decades, through thick and thin, and he's all new and fiery and thinks that I don't really love God. I am just a quiet person, and I have a lot of faith in God, which isn't something you just see like someone praying loudly and singing all the time....we are just different.

I really feel that all these problems are connected and I am not sure what I should do to fix them, because divorce is not an option to me, I made a covenant before God and I'm not breaking that for anything. At the same time I don't want to be miserable, and to shut up about how I'm feeling just to not rock the boat, to pretend everything is fine. I feel so sad about all this because we haven't even been married one month, it's like we never had a honeymoon period at all. I'm really down hearted. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.


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## mupostori

Welcome to TAM I hope you will find this place helpful

you haven't even been married for more than a month ,relax God is in control it will get better. (not really helpful but he is in control)

It looks like you are going to be married for along time and I would suggest that you shift your focus from quantity to quality. If he got the quality right ,his ego gets a boost and that may result in more quantity. I think he is avoiding sex because he sucks at it and he knows it ,man don't like doing things they are not successful at. Each time you are having sex his self esteem is going down 

If you can ask him a question like " tell me the truth .... are you refusing sex because of your performance" followed up by how do you think you can improve your performance ,let him come up with the solution to his problem.

probably not the best reply but 95 views and no reply I thought i would say my 2 cents.


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## Pooh Bear

Hi Kangaroo,

My father is a minister also.  

It sounds like he is being abusive towards you and that has to stop. You are not responsible to stay in an abusive relationship. In that case he would have already broken the covenant - not you. 

Sex is a negotiation and it is something that you two could work out as to what each others needs are and how to meet them. As mupostori said he might feel insecure. However, rather than working on it with you he becomes abusive.

I would talk seriously with him about his behavior and make sure he understands that it is unacceptable and that you won't tolerate it. He may need to get help to change the way he reacts. My concern is that he seems to think he is more Godly than you are so he may not require this of himself.

I really hope he is willing to take this marriage seriously enough to learn to treat you better. It will be better for him to get this under control before you both have children as children can be very frustrating. They deserve better than to be emotionally abused. 

I wish you the very best and take good care of yourself. You deserve to be treated with the utmost respect. You are a child of God after all.


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## arbitrator

*Welcome to TAM, Kangaroo!

Perhaps I failed to pick up on it, but I didn't see an inference to your ages. As such, I'm taking it that you both are fairly young. Given that, I'm tempted to somewhat agree with some of the other posters in that your H may be upset because of his lack of prior sexual experience, and as such ~ more especially as a male, it's a rather big sticking point with him. His aborant behavior, no doubt, results from an internalized fear of inadequacy in the sexual relations area.

Provided that this is true, my suggestion would be to seek out a good Christian counselor, or even a trusted Pastor, for you to visit with and see if you could work out a way for joint counseling. If this indeed is the problem area, perhaps they could refer you to a good Christian sexual therapist, albeit one in your area, or perhaps an online Christian Marriage sexual counseling service!

Best of luck to you both ~ I'll be praying for you!
*


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## norajane

> 1. He blames me for not being satisfied, saying that I don't want to finish, but he's also admitted he says this because he feels inadequate, even though I try to be sensitive.


Maybe his past sexual experiences did not prepare him for sex with a Christian virgin who had never even been on a date before him. He doesn't know what he's doing, doesn't know how to please you, because he's never had to please anyone but himself in the past. Knowing that you aren't getting pleasure out of it probably makes him want to avoid sex altogether.

Would he do any reading? Maybe something like "Sheet Music" or "She Comes First" would be helpful in retraining him sexually? It could be fun if you read them together, and talk about what's in the books - great way to learn and explore each other together.



> 2. My husband is usually very nice and kind, but when he is upset he can be very mean (which he knows and is sorry for), he will say mean and hurtful things (specific things he knows are harmful) to make me feel bad because he's upset or angry. He always apologizes later, but it's really damaging to me psychologically. I never say mean things like that to him, and I don't retaliate in anger when he's like this.


With the background he comes from, he probably never learned to manage his anger. He doesn't recognize the underlying causes (hurt, fear, disappointment, frustration, etc.) and can't manage those either. He probably learned drugs and alcohol instead.

Could someone from your church help with counseling him on anger management? Would he be willing to go to anger management classes? Would he at least be willing to read some books on anger management? Maybe you could also do some reading on angry men and how to not let them affect your self-esteem and well-being. You might want to try, "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men."



> 3. But, since getting married, I have felt that my husband feels he is more "godly" than me, he actually said once that he doesn't feel equally yoked with me (as in he's more desperate for God, he wants to pray more, fast more, etc.).


Maybe he's projecting. Maybe he feels he's unevenly yoked because he's not good enough for you. Or maybe he has all the zeal and charm of a former smoker.

I would _definitely _take this to your pastor or minister and ask for their help and guidance. 

Caveat: Sorry, I am not a Christian and I know you only wanted Christian replies!


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## BucksBunny

Not of same faith but I take it you promised to honour and love each other Kangaroo. So a part of this is working it out, just because he has been with others don’t mean he knows every thing part of the joy is tuning into each other. An open heart in marriage and a want to honour and please as scripture says is grace to man and wife takes time. Rejection of any kind hurts, so please don’t take that as a failing on you for being hurt your offering your self a very precious gift so to have that turned down as a wife will hurt. Your flesh and blood and all your ideas of marriage are wrapped up in it can’t help but leave you confused and a little sad so that is ok. 

Not sure about faith a quick Google did not get me much but I believe all faith at base has some wisdom on a duty to a husband and a wife to create a stable marriage fulfilling to both. So he is not following that deal if you are driven here in 4 weeks. It will take time to grow but maybe you should seek guidance do you have pastors or preachers in your church? Are there wife’s involved someone you can talk with? You don’t need to go into detail maybe just talk general on well what should marriage bed be like. Did your church provide any marriage guidance courses pre ceremony or a pastor you were in contact with to arrange marriage? My church gives pastoral care pre marriage and are available post marriage as a duty they take on so if your church has any thing like that use it. As I said don’t need to be open general guidance on a new couple to set you on right road sure they would be happy to do. 

Reason I suggest is you make clear it’s a big part of your life if your husbands heart is open which you had to believe to marry him, maybe you need a third party to talk about issue in general in a scripture base then up to both of you as a private couple to take that through and discuss what it means to both of you and maybe get deeper understanding. Even you say family might be too personal to talk about but as I say general talk I am a married woman and duty of wife and husband type chat if they are well versed could be the middle ground you and husband can meet on in private. 

Just my suggestion nothing more if church brought you together, married you at alter they will help set you on right road for a better marriage they want to see you happy together.


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## Pooh Bear

arbitrator said:


> *Welcome to TAM, Kangaroo!
> 
> Perhaps I failed to pick up on it, but I didn't see an inference to your ages. As such, I'm taking it that you both are fairly young. Given that, I'm tempted to somewhat agree with some of the other posters in that your H may be upset because of his lack of prior sexual experience, and as such ~ more especially as a male, it's a rather big sticking point with him. His aborant behavior, no doubt, results from an internalized fear of inadequacy in the sexual relations area.
> 
> Provided that this is true, my suggestion would be to seek out a good Christian counselor, or even a trusted Pastor, for you to visit with and see if you could work out a way for joint counseling. If this indeed is the problem area, perhaps they could refer you to a good Christian sexual therapist, albeit one in your area, or perhaps an online Christian Marriage sexual counseling service!
> 
> Best of luck to you both ~ I'll be praying for you!
> *


Couples counseling is not good when one partner is being abusive. He needs to learn how to interact in a healthy way before they can work on their issues together.


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## Kangaroo

Thanks everyone for your help and guidance, I'll be seeking more help from ministers I know, and trying to talk all this out with my husband more. I appreciate your comments!


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## Anonymous07

Try reading the book Give and Take by William F Harley together. 

My husband and I have a fairly similar story and this book really helped us.


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## kokonatsu

Kangaroo said:


> Hello everyone, this is my first post, I'm just wanting some advice and counsel from Christian people who love God and love the Bible!!! I am actually very upset about what's going on and I am really desperate for guidance!
> 
> I have been a Christian my whole life, from a pastor's family, all my spiritual fathers/mothers are basically related to me (in my uncle's church right now), so all the spiritual leaders I could ask for help...it's just too awkward: uncle, aunt, mother, father....or their friends. My family wasn't perfect but my parents are very Godly people, and I appreciate and honor them greatly, and I thank God for them every day!
> 
> I have been married just under one month to a Christian like me, except he has only been walking with God for a few years, he also came from a non-Christian, abusive family (drugs, alcohol, etc.), so our family backgrounds are very different - which may explain some problems we are having.
> 
> He was a rebellious teenager, with drug and alcohol abuse, previous sexual partners, and he had a serious conversion experience and is really running hard after God now, it's one of the things that I love about him, his passion for Jesus. As for me, I honored my parents, was in church, mission work, etc. (my struggles have been more "church people" problems, like fear, struggles with religion over God's love and grace, etc.). I have never had any sexual partners, in fact my husband is the only person I have ever kissed, the only boy I've actually dated!
> 
> I currently feel really disillusioned with my marriage, and I feel really hopeless right now because of some things that have been going on. I'll try to explain well, but if any of you need more information in order to help me, please just ask.
> 
> 1. My husband doesn't really want to have sex, at least not as much as I do (I would like to have sex at least once a day, because I like it, I just got married, and I have never had any of this before, and I feel closer to my husband when that's happening). I feel like I am always initiating and being rejected which makes me feel unloved and undesirable. We tend to have sex every few days, but it's short and unsatisfying and there isn't any passion on his part (I am a very passionate and loving person, always have been, one of my love languages is touch). He blames me for not being satisfied, saying that I don't want to finish, but he's also admitted he says this because he feels inadequate, even though I try to be sensitive. It's not really the quality I'm worried about, it's the quantity, and I know it will get better over time anyway. My husband grew up with a controlling mother and he tends to act in passive aggressive ways, but I don't feel that I am controlling or nagging him (though he would probably say I nagg him for sex, but I really don't know how else to ask, often I have tried to initiate and he says "I'm going to bed", or something like that, it hurts that I'm like the guy and he's the tired house wife, it really does.) [If I should go into more detail, and post in the sex section of the forum just let me know]. This has all ended with my husband saying that I only married him for sex, and that I need to stop asking, and that marriage is more than this. I know all that, and I have told him many times all the reasons I love him and married him. But, I really don't feel like my needs are being met at all, and when I bring up the issue he belittles it, gets angry, or blames me. Which leads into #2...
> 
> 2. My husband is usually very nice and kind, but when he is upset he can be very mean (which he knows and is sorry for), he will say mean and hurtful things (specific things he knows are harmful) to make me feel bad because he's upset or angry. He always apologizes later, but it's really damaging to me psychologically. I never say mean things like that to him, and I don't retaliate in anger when he's like this. I actually just stay silent and cry, and I'll be depressed for a while afterwards, then he apologizes. But the wounds are still there and then I wonder if he's really sorry and if he really thinks those things - it's very damaging. He has said things like, "why don't you just go back to your parents, they'll take care of you", "you don't have any friends", "I'll just be single, and not have to answer to anyone anymore"....many of these things make me feel that he doesn't love me, and that he regrets marrying me, and that he's going to leave me.
> 
> 3. For anyone who knows, we are both charismatic Christians (similar and connected to the IHOP movement), and we both love God a lot and want to serve him our whole lives in ministry. But, since getting married, I have felt that my husband feels he is more "godly" than me, he actually said once that he doesn't feel equally yoked with me (as in he's more desperate for God, he wants to pray more, fast more, etc.). This is very hurtful to me because it's not true, and I feel that my faith and love of God is being questioned all the time...I really don't know what to do about this, and it seems so silly to me too, because I have been faithfully serving God for two decades, through thick and thin, and he's all new and fiery and thinks that I don't really love God. I am just a quiet person, and I have a lot of faith in God, which isn't something you just see like someone praying loudly and singing all the time....we are just different.
> 
> I really feel that all these problems are connected and I am not sure what I should do to fix them, because divorce is not an option to me, I made a covenant before God and I'm not breaking that for anything. At the same time I don't want to be miserable, and to shut up about how I'm feeling just to not rock the boat, to pretend everything is fine. I feel so sad about all this because we haven't even been married one month, it's like we never had a honeymoon period at all. I'm really down hearted. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
> 
> Thanks.


Hi kangaroo! 

I also grew up in the church, and now relate to the more charismatic traditions of Christianity. My husband is the same as me.. we both grew up with God in our lives, never had sex until we married each other.. but we still fought a lot when we first moved in together! I think it was rather shocking to both of us at how much we argued, and sometimes it got really bad, but we always managed to work through it, and now it seems we've evened out, and are much better at living together and compromising about everyday stuff than before. So I think you have to remember there is usually a time when couples first move in together that they have to work harder at keeping the peace.. two adults combining lives is not always so easy! So you can work it out if you want to. 

But here's the catch.. your husband has to want to as well. You cannot fix your marital problems alone. Your husband has to put in 100% effort as well as you (so you'll wind up with 200% invested, and it'll be much easier to figure things out). 

As for your number 2 point, I can relate somewhat. I am a Highly sensitive person, and since taking birth control, I got more emotional than I was before. So when my husband and I moved in together, I might be crying about something, and he wouldn't know how to handle it, so he'd leave me alone, which made me feel worse. He still doesn't really know how to react when I'm upset, but he does try, and when I ask him outright what to do, he does it. For example, I was really upset and feeling pretty insecure about myself, and I asked him to tell me some good things about me, so I wasn't feeling so dark. He immediately said, "well here are the bad things.." I stopped him right there and said that will make me feel worse, what I need right now is for you to help cheer me up." and he did. But I needed to directly tell him exactly what I needed, because he wouldn't or couldn't do it on his own. So while I'd love to have him do these things spontaneously, I know that we're just beginning our journey (one year anniversary coming up in a month), and maybe by year 50 he'll be able to do it spontaneously. Both of us know and remind each other that we can't immediately change our habits on the turn of a dime for the benefit of the other person, it's a learning curve, so I have to be okay with telling him exactly what I need rather than waiting for him to do it. I'd be waiting forever! 

But abuse has no place in the marriage. If his words hurt you, tell him to stop, because of how they make you feel. Be very direct and firm, and if he keeps using the language that hurts you, leave the room, or go out to a mall or something to get away from it. And if he really doesn't get it and stop using that language that hurts you, more drastic measures may have to be taken, like counselling so he hears it from a third person, or what. It's up to you to decide where your boundaries are the consequences for breaking the boundaries. 

I kind of get the impression that your husband has been acting this was because of his pride. And that is something no one can change but your husband. People/God can try to influence him to change, but he won't change unless he really has the desire to. 

People say that "God is in control", but I don't believe God micromanages the world. He lets us live with the consequences of our sin and the influences of the spiritual world -- both good and bad. We have to own our choices and our sins, and God can help is along the way, but not usually the way people think. 

If you want to talk more about this, feel free to send me a PM.


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## FormerSelf

Kangaroo, it sounds to me that your husband is struggling with an intimacy problem...meaning his tolerance for emotional attachment and connection may be hindered by past hurts and behavior patterns. This isn't about rubbing his past in his face, as obviously it sounds like he is devoted to the faith, but oftentimes salvation (while _it does_ create instant eternal ramifications and bridges the gap between us and God) does not necessarily mean the past is swept away to the point that we do not need to intentionally reconcile things...especially if there are things that have not achieved closure or understanding or healing or acceptance.

You said he had a history of rebellion and substance abuse...those things are symptoms of hurt and neglect, fixations to alleviate pain. Walls come up. Certain areas become forbidden zones because one gets hurt in their youthful vulnerability.

Marriage has a wonderful way of pushing all the vulnerable buttons, particularly sex because it is such a emotional/spiritual/physically connective vehicle (much more engaged that any empty fling)...that former vows (I WILL NEVER let anyone hurt me again) will surface and need to be reconciled and released in order to overwrite that strong memory trigger with new healthy behavior and experiences.

It sounds like your husband still has his walls and has kept himself together via compartmentalization (walling up past hurts, regrets, sources of shame behind a brick wall ala Cask of Amontillado). Those walls, he will guard with lots of mean, snarling, evasive, shameful behaviors...to do whatever it takes to back you off from his inner pain and try to stay in control, even to the point of being verbally abusive in order to cut you down and to back you off. 

However, even if a counselor can help get to the root of all this and you all come to a great understanding, this behavior is STILL unacceptable and should not at all be given any quarter. Be firm, be strong, and apply tough love...where you practice unconditional love, but allow not a single drop of this sort of behavior past your doorstep. Do not do his emotional work for him. Insist that he become responsible to deal with this while communicating with him that you will support him through this, but this NEEDS to be taken care of without hesitation.

It is a relational fact that this sort of behavior, if unchecked, will wear your love down...where eventually you get to the point where you become closed off in order to protect yourself from the pain the he inflicts through physical/emotional neglect, unloving behaviors and attitudes, threats of separation or divorce, blame shifting, control and manipulation. Confront this head on, and be courageous to see it through.


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## FormerSelf

foolscotton3 said:


> The comment about him feeling unequally yoked, may just be him saying that he feels you are pulling his faith into a different direction.
> 
> 1 Corinthians 7:5 says that if you do abstain from sex, it should be agreed upon, for focusing on spiritual growth.
> I believe this is where you aren't meeting his needs. As a new convert, I am sure his desire is to grow spiritually rather than intimately, with his wife. If he is focused on pleasing you, primarily, he cannot focus on pleasing the Lord. (1 Corinthians 7:33)


With all due respect, this advice is wrong. This isn't a case where the husband is gasping from spiritual stifling because of the sexual selfishness of his wife! This is an obvious case where a husband is presently crippled emotionally that he is unable to meet the needs of his wife....because the demands and vulnerability of INTIMACY. 

She is hardly being demanding...nor is she acting nonspiritual or being "unequally yoked". The husband's use of that Scripture was an attempt by ill-gotten means to back her away from the intimacy that fills him with terror. They have only been married one month...of which prior that they had faithfully abstained...hardly a time to practice restraint in consummating a very new marriage. :scratchhead:

But let's say you are right in his motive...then wouldn't the fruit of his attitude thus be evidenced by patient and loving reassurance to his wife, rather than being threatening, defensive, and blame-shifting? I'd say his responses are a reaction to emotional pain and would be incongruent with a husband trying to set some sort of spiritual precedent for his marriage. Pish-posh I say!


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## Blossom Leigh

FormerSelf said:


> But let's say you are right in his motive...then wouldn't the fruit of his attitude thus be evidenced by patient and loving reassurance to his wife, rather than being threatening, defensive, and blame-shifting? I'd say his responses are a reaction to emotional pain and would be incongruent with a husband trying to set some sort of spiritual precedent for his marriage. Pish-posh I say!


This is correct.

OP.. it is ok to ask your H to choose differently when expressing his pain. He does not need to choose to perpetuate the abuse of his family into this new family. Unwise.

But it is very wise to realize your H has pain and when he asks you to back off, I would honor that. He is hurt that he is failing with sex. Give him some space. No man likes 24/7 engulfment and he needs time and space to figure out how to proceed. One of the biggest problems with women is we press in on our men and when they dont respond like we want them to we emotionally beat them up, and though you don't say mean things to him just him knowing you are upset he didn't respond beats him up. When a man has space to breath and a soft place to land, you will find him coming to you for his respite and intimacy, especially after he has figured out some things that work well for you. Practice relaxing around him. Be patient about the sex, he'll get it figured out. Respect his boundaries. Ask him to choose kinder words to communicate his needs, but cool your jets on the sex for right now and give him some space to cool off and think on things. Ask him to be patient with your learning curve on sex. You guys have a lifetime to learn these things, your smartest move is to relax and have patience with that learning curve and ask him to do the same.


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## Blossom Leigh

unequal yoking meant believer or not, no more, no less.


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## Blossom Leigh

Thats a whole other thread for theology....

side note: are you going to post a new thread on you FC?


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## Blossom Leigh

How about ...

Need a way forward...

/tj


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## Mr.Fisty

Have you considered that due to his upbringing, he might get more abusive. I highly doubt that someone whom comes from that environment leaves unscathed. I am also guessing that he has not seen a therapist to work on his issues, because his issues are a barrier between the two of you. He does not know how to operate in a healthy relationship, and falls back on what he learned as a child. You should take this into consideration too. The longer he does not work on his issues, the more ingrained the behavior will be.


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## richardsharpe

Good evening Kangaroo
you might want to post the sex / intimacy issue in the sex-in-marriage section, I think you will get a wider range of opinions.

In general I think that a happy sex life is vital to a happy marriage. I'm not a Christian, but I think most Christians would agree that a husband and wife should try to please each other - should enjoy each other's pleasure and happiness. 

Its possible that your husband isn't really aware of the wide variation in what women enjoy - though I'm concerned that it doesn't sound like he is really trying. I can't tell from you post, but do you make an effort to to the sexual things that he enjoys? Do you know what those things are?


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## changedbeliefs

intheory said:


> I personally have come to believe that God can forgive marital blunders; just like he can forgive anything else.


I'm really trying to understand what makes people "believe" certain things. Christians are taught God forgives EVERYTHING, as long as you're sorry. By the rules, Geoffrey Dahmer is in heaven. What is the basis for your specific belief that he forgives marital blunders, along with 'anything else,' and since you came to that belief, what was the previous basis not to believe it? But realize, in the end, he either does, or does not, forgive something; your 'personal belief' on the matter is irrelevant.

Of course this is all just mental gymnastics, as far as I'm concerned. What you decided is that YOU can forgive marital blunders, and I think you're just trying to validate it by claiming that it's the way your god would act. Why not just take personal accountability and say you're someone who forgives marital mistakes? Isn't that much more, a) honest, and b) relevant?


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## daisybush

I think you must consult Sex consultant and marriage consultant.


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## SimplyAmorous

norajane said:


> Would he do any reading? Maybe something like *"Sheet Music*" or *"She Comes First" *would be helpful in retraining him sexually? It could be fun if you read them together, and talk about what's in the books - great way to learn and explore each other together.


Just wanted to give links for these 2 wonderful books..

**** Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage  (Christian author)



> With his characteristic warmth and humor, Dr. Kevin Leman offers a practical guide to sex according to God's plan. This frank and practical book is a perfect resource for married and engaged couples. Dr. Leman addresses a wide spectrum of people, from those with no sexual experiences to those with past sexual problems or even abuse. Using frank descriptions, this book has a warm and friendly tone that will help couples overcome awkwardness in discussing an issue important to all married couples.


**** She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman: Ian Kerner: Books



> "When it comes to pleasuring women and conversing in the language of love, cunnilingus should be every man's native tongue," writes clinical sexologist Ian Kerner, Ph.D. in She Comes First, a straightforward, intimate, and exuberant guide to cunnilingus. Kerner first explored "the oral caress" as a way of compensating for his "sexual inadequacies," and quickly learned that women not only welcomed but often preferred "the way of the tongue," reaching orgasm more consistently than through intercourse. Kerner educates readers about the clitoris, "the powerhouse of pleasure," with 18 parts and 8,000 nerve endings (twice as many as the penis) and describes female sexual response from "foreplay" through "coreplay" to "moreplay."
> 
> A large part of the book is a graphic, detailed primer on "mouth music," including best positions, step-by-step techniques (illustrated), and tips for tongue and fingers. How long should this last? Until the woman has an orgasm or many, says Kerner, and "melts blissfully before your eyes." "The vast majority of women complain about guys who don't like to do it, don't know how to do it, or simply don't do it nearly enough," writes Kerner. This book will change that. Women: Buy it for your partner!


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