# My Libido Is Back, Husband Won't Come To Bed



## ImaginationStation (May 26, 2014)

Which has caused my libido to hide again for a few days. I'm one of those people who just can't have sex when they are mad at someone.

If you would like my backstory (sort-of) then it's in a thread regarding Porn.

I lost my drive shortly after we had some issues in our relationship, and now I am finding that this entire week was spent pining over my fiance. I touched him, played with him, I just genuinely loved him and wanted to throw him up against the wall multiple times per day and rip his clothes off.

The last two nights I have been crying though. My fiance never comes to bed, and I have gotten used to it. Happens very frequently where I will ask him to come to bed or I used to tell him I was going to bed, and he would say he wasn't tired yet. Five minutes later he's snoring on the couch.

Now I feel extremely lonely. I cry during random hours of the night (i'm extremely sensitive) and during the day. I have mentioned it a few times before that this bothers me. 

This morning I decided to mention it one last time. He could visibly see I was upset anyways. So I did something I normally don't do - skipped all the bull**** and told him how I was feeling. I told him I have been crying the last two nights because I am extremely lonely at night. 

His response was, he can't fall asleep earlier and can't fall asleep without the tv. He's done it before - used to come to bed quite often. Now he just plays video games until 1am and then passes out on the couch. 

He then said to me "Well, I don't like that you never tell me when you're going to bed." which kind of made me angry, like, he was trying to turn it around on me. I told him I used to, but stopped because I got so used to the arrangements that I just didn't care if he knew I was going to bed or not anymore.

He got slightly defensive and then sat there quiet, then asked well, what do you want me to do? I suggested coming to bed to cuddle for a bit and then getting up again, but that didn't seem to interest him. 

I am 25 for **** sakes. I am losing weight (i'm not fat to begin with) and am getting in much better shape, and no one even wants to cuddle me unless it suits their needs. I'm getting really frustrated.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

When he gets home today (or you), surprise him with a BJ


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## ImaginationStation (May 26, 2014)

He doesn't like it when I just pull at him and try to have sex with him (or other things) - go figure he thinks that is what gets me turned on :scratchhead:


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Whatever you do, don't get married unless and until the sex issues gets resolved. Relationship counseling? Without effort from both of you (and it sounds like him in particular at the moment), it can't work.


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## ImaginationStation (May 26, 2014)

I think I have already made the decision to not get married period. We entertained the idea, I have a ring on my finger - but honestly, I would rather have a house (even though I will never have one) and he hasn't ever talked about a wedding or saving up for one so I'm not getting that either - for the best I suppose.

As for relationship counselling, we don't have much in the way of money and we've talked about it - I have suggested it MANY times, but he's not into it and has made that very clear.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

ImaginationStation said:


> As for relationship counselling, we don't have much in the way of money and we've talked about it - I have suggested it MANY times, but he's not into it and has made that very clear.


Ok, so you've decided you're not going to marry him. He is not meeting any of your needs sexually, he doesn't sleep in the same room as you (snores away on the couch after playing video games) and he refuses to try to solve any of the problems -- won't change, won't go to counseling.

So I think you need to rethink this whole relationship. Why are you in it? And please don't say because you love him. There are plenty of men you can find true love with who will treat you well and meet your needs.


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## ImaginationStation (May 26, 2014)

The kids. I have one child from a previous relationship (from when I was 16) and one with my current. He's a nice guy. He does well to support his family and take care of us financially and I feel guilty about this. I just think he's very sensitive and lately I have been craving him to be more "lumberjack masculine" if that makes any sense. I'm beginning to think it's just not in him to give. I want him to rip my clothes off and tell me how much he needs to touch me. I just want to feel loved.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

ImaginationStation said:


> I think I have already made the decision to not get married period. .


Sounds most wise.

Also, if he ever makes it to bed.

Pill. 

Coil.

Condom (industrial strength).

Spermicide.

Morning after pill.

FFS don't get yourself pollenated by him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*IS: You deserve so much more out of a fiance/prospective husband! What I, or any other red-blooded male, wouldn't absolutely give to have a woman in our lives, much like you! 

He needs "ditching" ~ let him go play with himself if he needs sexual release! Trust me: you deserve far, far better from someone who allegedly loves you!

And there is some lucky guy out there who would absolutely welcome you with open arms, just for who you are!

Best of luck to you, my dear!*


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

ImaginationStation said:


> The kids. I have one child from a previous relationship (from when I was 16) and one with my current. He's a nice guy. He does well to support his family and take care of us financially and I feel guilty about this. I just think he's very sensitive and lately I have been craving him to be more "lumberjack masculine" if that makes any sense. I'm beginning to think it's just not in him to give. I want him to rip my clothes off and tell me how much he needs to touch me. I just want to feel loved.


Hmm, well you can find a man like that, but it may not be with him. That may not be who he is. He is asking what you want...when you tell him does he do it? I did not figure that out from your post. If so, he at least tries. If not, that is a problem. You are so young though, think long term and how you want to spend the rest of your life. Those of us older than you were able to find the right partner even after long relaitonships, you can too if he is indeed not the right one.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

Have you tried throwing his Xbox or whatever the hell it is out the window? Or telling him that if he doesn't step up his game you'll go find what you want somewhere else? 

I think he needs a punch-in-the-face level epiphany. If you've expressed how you feel in detail and his response is to shrug all "what do you want me to do about it" he doesn't deserve the privilege of you talking to him to begin with.


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## ImaginationStation (May 26, 2014)

I can't be hard on him, all of this is coming from a lot of issues we've had that also included a long sex drive break from me as well. There were plenty of times where I turned him down but felt terrible in doing so. I didn't know what was wrong and still don't know what was wrong with my sex drive. 

I just don't want him to be doing this because "i did it to him". I was sincere in my every effort to regain my sex drive and have sex with him. Now all of a sudden, I am feeling so much sexier (due to the weight loss, toning etc.) and I find that was the issue. I had had a baby, was getting fatter by the minute and just felt ****ty. 

Now that I am healthier my sex drive is back up.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I read some of your other posts.

I think the problem stems from a difference in what you both think sex is. He practically raped you in the past and you put a stop to that. He was wrong behaving like that however that was HIS idea of sex. When you stopped him, you stopped HIS idea of sex.

Now, when things have calmed down somewhat, you want to have sex. But he is probably resentful because you continually (and correctly) stopped him in the past. So from his perspective he isn't going to get sex the way he wants so why bother trying? And if he isn't going to get sex, non-sexual intimacy will be out of the question.


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## ImaginationStation (May 26, 2014)

batsociety said:


> Have you tried throwing his Xbox or whatever the hell it is out the window? Or telling him that if he doesn't step up his game you'll go find what you want somewhere else?
> 
> I think he needs a punch-in-the-face level epiphany. If you've expressed how you feel in detail and his response is to shrug all "what do you want me to do about it" he doesn't deserve the privilege of you talking to him to begin with.


To be quite honest yes, I have thought of that. I even bought the playstation he is using right now because his old one was broken. However, I think honestly I am scared of what he might do if I did. 

Also, tried to say something along those lines this morning - but had a feeling he was going to take it as a "I'm going to cheat on you literally" thing. I said you know, "Other guys would love the opportunity..." and then paused and he just kind of gave me that look - so I said "to sleep with their wife." instead of "to sleep with me." then he asked me if thats what I really was saying because it sounded a lot like I wanted other men to sleep with me blah blah. 

So...there's that.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

You sound like a mess.
He sounds like a mess.
You have a history of rejecting him.
Now you want him to respond because you're ready.
You want him to be a "lumberjack" and take you now.
He's clearly not interested. 

You're both with the wrong people. Since children are involved you'll always be connected, but the last thing you should be doing is marrying each other.

Follow the red flags to the nearest exit.


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## ImaginationStation (May 26, 2014)

Chris Taylor said:


> I read some of your other posts.
> 
> I think the problem stems from a difference in what you both think sex is. He practically raped you in the past and you put a stop to that. He was wrong behaving like that however that was HIS idea of sex. When you stopped him, you stopped HIS idea of sex.
> 
> Now, when things have calmed down somewhat, you want to have sex. But he is probably resentful because you continually (and correctly) stopped him in the past. So from his perspective he isn't going to get sex the way he wants so why bother trying? And if he isn't going to get sex, non-sexual intimacy will be out of the question.


Thank you for this. I'm thinking about writing it down to talk about it tonight. He's been mentioning how I stopped him from watching porn when really when the whole issue was in full force he said "I did it mostly for myself" which I now think was a load of crap and he just stopped because he was scared to lose me, and now is resentful of me for doing it.

The thing about porn with me: I used to watch it (I only stopped to support him in his efforts to stop) I have NEVER in my life had an issue with porn. It was the way he in particular used it.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

You have to kill his resentment. Sit down with him and tell him you realize that maybe in the past you weren't there for him but would like to put the past to rest. Start by non-sexual intimacy... cuddle while watching a movie, cuddle in bed. 

I'm not saying it's all your fault, just that sometimes you need to fall on your own sword to make things better.


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## ImaginationStation (May 26, 2014)

Chris Taylor said:


> You have to kill his resentment. Sit down with him and tell him you realize that maybe in the past you weren't there for him but would like to put the past to rest. Start by non-sexual intimacy... cuddle while watching a movie, cuddle in bed.
> 
> I'm not saying it's all your fault, just that sometimes you need to fall on your own sword to make things better.


The problem is, I feel as though I am doing this over and over and over again (trying to cuddle on the couch, wanting to watch a movie with him, wanting to be close.) and I just don't feel like he enjoys it. 

It's been making me question whether he even likes me anymore. He says his life is **** (then says but you are ok.) Which i find mildly if not completely offensive to both me and our children. He hates his job. Wants out - so there's that stress and I get it, but wouldn't having quality time with your spouse make you feel better?


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## ImaginationStation (May 26, 2014)

intheory said:


> imaginationstation, (cool name)
> 
> I read your other threads too.
> 
> ...


Yes, I do think he became pretty detached. I think both him and I could work on being more "present" in every moment. I'm quite happy right now,

he saw my post, read it and caled me from work teling me he didn't know he was being such an ass and putting me through any mental hardship. 

We're going to be taking the 5 love languages test tonight and he said he's going to try to be a bit more positive and present.

I did start my soapmaking business last year, I have made enough back to cover my supplies and a little bit of time so far. I plan on growing and ading more craft shows each month to help out with finances and csuch as well.

Yes, from time to time I do feel that way. Until the majority of issues are fixed, I am probably going to want to escape somewhere, although I am sure many people have that feeling.

If I won the lottery, yes I would, Ultimately I know he cares it just sometimes takes him a very large sign to see that I am really hurting. Maybe that is due to him not being present or paying attention to life...I don't know. 

I tok him out on a date to a place called Skyzone last weekend
(an indoor trampoline park) and we had a really great time, so I have ben trying to plan things he would like to do (because we don't get out much.)


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

There are consequences for the past rejections. You're experiencing those consequences now.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I honestly do not believe this is going to go well.

You're WAY too young to be settling for this cr*p.

Take it from someone who wasted 20 years in a dead-end marriage, wishing and hoping my husband would become the Alpha lumberjack sexual dynamo of my dreams. Do you really want to end up like me? Alone at age 45, two innocent kids, all my hopes and dreams down the tube?

Save yourself the agony.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> I read some of your other posts.
> 
> I think the problem stems from a difference in what you both think sex is. He practically raped you in the past and you put a stop to that. He was wrong behaving like that however that was HIS idea of sex. When you stopped him, you stopped HIS idea of sex.
> 
> Now, when things have calmed down somewhat, you want to have sex. But he is probably resentful because you continually (and correctly) stopped him in the past. So from his perspective he isn't going to get sex the way he wants so why bother trying? And if he isn't going to get sex, non-sexual intimacy will be out of the question.


I haven't read your other posts...but obviously your fiance wanted a particular kind/type of sex which you didn't and so you rejected him. From what Chris T says it sounds as if you were right to reject him.
However, he sees it as simple rejection.

Over the years my wife has rejected me so often, called me a perverted ba$tard for wanting a BJ (which in 22 years she has never given) etc etc that she has basically made me shut down towards her sexually completely.
Even now when she comes on to me sexually (maybe 2-3 times a year) I find it so awkward and uninteresting that I can't rise to the occasion.
Its like having sex with her is wrong....I no longer see her as sexual.

Maybe this is how your fiance feels....??? Just a thought.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Your fiance has a lot of issues. I think you need to insist on counseling and not sweep problems under the rug. 

He sounds like he has no appreciation for you or your children. He needs to wake up and embrace the real world and appreciate what he has.


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