# I wonder what he'd think if he knew I felt this way...?



## WhatNow? (Nov 1, 2009)

I don’t know what to do. My husband and I are in trouble. Our relationship has been extremely rocky since a few months in to the relationship. We have been together for almost 5 ½ years, married for 3 ½. We don’t know how to talk to each other. There is a lot of animosity, a lot of disrespect, a lot of resentment, many trust issues, a lot of unresolved anger, a lot of unresolved hurt. I don’t trust him to protect my feelings. I never get to express how I feel. He shuts me down on almost every occasion that matters. He has to be right about everything. My confidence is in flitters, I am not looking good (I’ve been told), I fear I can’t last in this marriage the way I feel I am treated.

He doesn’t trust me. He has convinced himself that I have been unfaithful to our marriage. He is wrong. But how to convince him of that? I have tried every approach to put his mind at ease that I can think of. I have been honest with him regarding everything that did happen at the beginning of our relationship. I wanted him to know everything and I didn’t want it to be between us any more. I personally think that I damaged him in some deep, unreachable way when I got involved in a triangle featuring, him, me and the ex boyfriend. And I compounded it by seeing same ex again 2 years ago on a business trip. Nothing happened, I felt as if we were still friends and I got ‘closure’ from the visit. I admit seeing him was a stupid, stupid thing to do, because my husband is convinced that something happened between us. He may love me very much, but he will never trust me again and as long as we are together he will always find ways to continue to hurt me, just to remind me of what I put him through. 

If he does see things the way I’ve tried to explain them above I feel it still means nothing to him. He admits he won’t forgive me for it. I have not given him a reason since then to think that I am an unfaithful person. And I was NOT unfaithful to my husband when I saw the ex 2 years ago. I am afraid that he will take his convictions about me and fcuk someone else, then use them as justification for having an affair. “I have no right to be upset, because I did it to him” scenario. I feel he is biding his time and will do it to spite me. And that will be the destruction of me. Because I haven’t been unfaithful to our marriage.

We don’t respect one another. How can I respect him when he treats my feelings like muck? When the person I should depend on for friendship, love, sex can make me feel this way. So insecure, so anxious. When he undermines my confidence all the time? I think he lost respect for me when I started drinking heavily. (We emigrated for a while and I was bored and lonely. We argued a lot). I started losing my respect a little bit before that. Now it seems that I can do nothing right in his eyes. He will go out of his way to find fault with something I’ve done, criticize me on something I’ve said and let me even _think_ of defending myself. It’s exactly what he wants me to do. Because I am not a good fighter, I cant argue and if arguing were a national sport he’d be champion! So he will get the argument and he will get to beat me as well and I am a little less in love with him afterwards, a little less sure of myself and he has a little less respect, a little more power, over me. 

He always blames the state of our relationship on me, effectively stonewalling any attempts to talk, and somehow I end up having to defend myself instead of being free to talk about what is actually bothering me. He acts attacked every time I open my mouth. He is not just insensitive to my feelings. He pours them into a macerating machine and grinds them to shreds. He will tell me “if I changed this or changed that then things might be better for us”, so I try, but they aren’t. I don’t get a shred of support when I am trying. You know I only drink socially now? I managed to overcome it and it’s not a problem in my life anymore. I didn’t even need the full AA thing. You know I don’t smoke dope anymore because he threatened me with divorce if I didn’t stop? Its ok for us to do coke every once in a while though (no judgments pls) I am becoming exceedingly and secretively bitter and resentful towards him. This person that I married and who is supposed to be my best friend. From my side, the drinking and the smoking, and now the excessive reading, my obsession with my dogs because they are the only beings I see for most of the week apart from my husband (the escapism, if you will) were/are symptoms of something else that was already wrong, in my opinion. That deep and unreachable damage that I caused in him just after we met.

I simply can’t imagine living the rest of my life with him; he is arrogant, overbearing and domineering. He can be exceedingly cruel in the things he says and callous in the way he acts towards me. He can be verbally abusive and it cuts like a knife. Except that I love him and I wish I could find some way to get through to him. We are not talking now again because of financial pressure and even though I realize the state that we’re in it’s hard not to take personally when he attacks me. He tells me my feelings of stress, anxiety of insecurity are wrong. He doesn’t try to understand them. He just shuts me down as soon as possible. HIS feelings of stress, anxiety and insecurity and the way he deals with them are fine though. Perfectly normal. And if he hurts me in the process, so what? 

I feel as though I am the one making all the changes and it still isn’t enough for him. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know who to talk to. Please help me.


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## naojkat (Dec 1, 2009)

sad... but i believe that Love can move mountains, If you both love each other, you can overcome this situation. Love can erase the anguish that you both feel. Both of you should make a move.. Godspeed and Good luck!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

What Now? What changes have you made. I know it sucks to be the one to "change" but that is how you change other people by changing yourself first. You need to analyze your relationship is set up. The two of you have cycles that you get into. You try to talk to him, he shuts down, etc. How do you try - tone, volume, etc? What time of day? What days? I know some of this sounds chessy but it can matter. Try to get a copy of Divorce Remedy by Michelle _____ and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and maybe Love Must Be Tough by Lou Dobson.

After determining what the cycles are you have to try to break them on your end. Remember to really step back and look at the situation and see what is working or what is not working. Anything not working stop - it is an endless cheese tunnel (you'll understand that if you get Divorce Remedy)

Just my two cents. Buckle up, this will take some time.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Why don't you print out your message and give it to him? If you cannot see being with him for the rest of your life, you have nothing to lose. Get him on board and into counseling. Or if he refuses to engage in improving things, then you need to decide what you are willing to do. Make that decision before you see his reaction, however, so you are prepared. Good luck.


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