# doesn't believe me



## jm_85 (Jun 21, 2012)

I don't even know where to begin. I've been together with my husband for eight years, married for six. I have to admit that I've been oftentimes immature in the previous eight years, but thankfully, I've learned a lot in the past five months about myself and my marriage. My husband and children are the most beautiful people in the world. God knows I would do anything for them.

Five months ago, I went to my brother's wedding and developed a crush on one of their friends. We spoke a few times at the rehearsal dinner and the wedding/reception, and then after the wedding, I made the terrible mistake of continuing to crush on and think about this guy. Nothing ever came of it, the only interaction I had with the guy was during that weekend, but my husband discovered my wandering lust not too long after... we're very in tune with each other and he kind of figured it out by my behavior. I've confessed all and we've worked through it and I feel we've both come out as better individuals because of all the pain and suffering we went through, though the hurt was for different reasons for both of us. Divorce wasn't an option and his love for me and my love for him won and saved our marriage.

I've corrected all my wrongs and failures. However, he has one last hurdle he wants to get over, and I can't say it more bluntly than that he firmly believes that I physically cheated on him. I haven't, and any time I try to convince him that I'm not lying or harboring any secrets from him, he gets upset and refuses to believe me. I've lied to him in the past, and I understand that it's only natural for him to say/feel this way. He says he's determined to find the truth about what "really happened" and though divorce isn't an option for either of us, it's something of an obsession with him to get details (that aren't there). Almost every night, he tries to get the "truth" out of me and it is so trying. He says such hurtful things about me and I end up getting so depressed until he lightens his mood. Usually his anger and resentment last for days, during which time he gives me the cold shoulder and tends to say sarcastic things to me, if anything at all. I don't fight and retaliate, and not once have I ever been angry with him -- there's no reason or justification in it. I'm just at such a loss at how to reassure him that I'm not hiding a single thing from him. 

My question is: how do I convince him that I'm telling him the truth, that I'm no longer hiding _anything_ from him? My entire life and thoughts have been laid out to him, yet he still believes I'm hiding that "one" thing from him. Sometimes, I feel that saying something did happen and making up a story for him would make him feel better -- that's how desperate I am. But that would be a lie! Please, if anyone has advice, I'd greatly appreciate it. I know it's a time for patience and understanding on my end, but I feel that every time I tell him that I'm not hiding anything, he pulls himself away from me and I fear that he doesn't love me anymore.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

You cannot convince him. He will either decide to trust you or decide to not trust you.

Honestly, you could pay the guy to show up and stand in your living room and swear that nothing physical happened, and if your H didn't want to believe it, he wouldn't.

I'm a little more concerned about what you said in your opening, that you've been married for 8 years but you've sure learned a lot in the last 5 months. Maybe spend more time trying to convince your husband that you have changed, because 7 years and 7 months of whatever you were doing before has obviously not sat well.


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## loveisforever (Jun 21, 2012)

My suggestion:

Do not try to convince him that you did not lie about it. It is just natural of him to not to believe you in this. 

Jut do not lie anymore from everything! Start from small things. Show him you has changed from your action.

When he sees your changed attitude towards lying, work with him to identify the past lies and acknowledge them and correct them. 

He will bring up the big one. Do not answer lightly or at all. 

You need to show him you are mature enough and love him enough to be trusted.

It is all.


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## jm_85 (Jun 21, 2012)

lamaga said:


> I'm a little more concerned about what you said in your opening, that you've been married for 8 years but you've sure learned a lot in the last 5 months. Maybe spend more time trying to convince your husband that you have changed, because 7 years and 7 months of whatever you were doing before has obviously not sat well.


I've learned a lot about my faults and character flaws, and in recognizing them, I've turned myself around completely -- and never been more happy with myself and everything in my life. Except for how it had to happen. We've sat and talked and dealt with everything, and he admits to me that he's come to terms with it and is still wholly in love with me. I know I'm in no place to huff and say "well I've changed" because that won't take away the hurt and betrayal he's felt through this awful time. 

I'm so saddened to feel that he's convinced himself of my doing something I didn't. He is so so convinced and as you said, it is his choice. I just wish there were something that could be done immediately to prove that he is mistaken and unnecessarily hurting himself (and us).

Ultimately, I believe he will confront my brother's friend in an attempt to read his response to his questions/accusations. I just hate that he's given up on my word and would believe a complete stranger who's behavior I can't predict. I have nothing to hide so I'm trying to stay confident, yet I fear that H will manipulate anything just to hear "the big one."



loveisforever said:


> My suggestion:
> 
> Do not try to convince him that you did not lie about it. It is just natural of him to not to believe you in this.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your advice. I try to keep my cool (before, I used to cry uncontrollably and I now realize that he interpreted that kind of reaction as in I'm hiding "the big one") but it gets so hard sometimes, especially when he assures me that this is the final hurdle and things could be 100% perfect... "if you would just confess." We've discussed everything from the past and at this point now, there isn't any more to confess or shed light on!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Then tell him you're willing to take a polygraph test to prove you're not lying.

Have you been transparent with everything? Are you still keeping secrets? Is your phone available?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

and for the umpteenth time, polygraphs are not admissible in court for a reason. If he doesn't want to trust her, then a polygraph won't help, he'll just figure that she's one of the 20-25% who can defeat a polygraph.

And then where are you?

No, it's about trust. There are a million ways to cheat on someone, so it's about deciding to trust. You cannot make him do that.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

lamaga said:


> and for the umpteenth time, polygraphs are not admissible in court for a reason.


This ISN'T a court of law, is it?

Polygraphs are required for higher security clearances, like Top Secret SSBI and above, and for ALL law enforcement applicants for a reason. I've taken polygraphs when I was in the military and when I became a cop.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yes, and look how well that turned out.

Marital relations are not law enforcement jobs.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Yes, and look how well that turned out.


What do you mean?



lamaga said:


> Marital relations are not law enforcement jobs.


Marital relations aren't a court of law either, isn't it? They can be used to determine truthfulness. Go ahead and dismiss the polygraph all you want, the fact remains that it's a useful tool used by many.


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## jm_85 (Jun 21, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Then tell him you're willing to take a polygraph test to prove you're not lying.
> 
> Have you been transparent with everything? Are you still keeping secrets? Is your phone available?


I have been transparent about everything, but he certainly doesn't think so. Now today, I discover that he is pursuing his own way of discovering "the truth," and I haven't really a clue what that will entail. I know I physically did nothing, yet I also fear that he will manipulate anything he hears towards what he wants to hear (that there was an affair). And then what do I do. He's belittling me and calling me names and making me feel absolutely worthless... We both just want to move past this so badly, but he gets so consumed by his anger and hurt -- he won't even acknowledge anything I say anymore. He has access to everything I have (thinks there's more, but of course there isn't) and I've gladly willingly showed him everything. Absolutely no secrets past and present. But that's the last thing he wants to hear. I feel so helpless and I'm desperate to do anything. I've offered to take a polygraph but then he claims it's unnecessary -- and I interpret that as he wouldn't believe that either. He wants answers to things that never happened and he's so intent on proving that I'm hiding something that I just know he's going to be throwing something that's not true in my face, and I wouldn't know what to do with that either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Hmmmmmm.... It could be just me but this does seem a little extreme for a crush. Plus unless he has some phon records or any other evidence of a PA it makes me wonder if he is overreacting in guilt. Just to be safe I would make a pass around his email, phone ,text, and voicemail. My wife has a crush on a guy I know. Hell I almost have a crush on the guy (no I just wanna look like him). My wife stays away from him. Has no contact with him but he admits to me that he is a beautiful man. 
I think it strange that some men don't understand that just because she is married doesn't mean she can't appreciate something else. My wife knows I would not be happy at all if she was communicating with this guy and she doesn't.
If you have not contacted him which is easily verifiable. He has no proof and you came clean and the only thing about it is you found a guy hot. Then, i think this is a bit of and over reaction. I know someone else on here may be wanting to bash my head in with a mallet (figuratively). 
I am just giving my two cents. No evidence + you being remorseful + no contact beyond one day = not much in my opinion. But paranoia + overreaction + no attempt to let this go = suspicious (as long as you are being truthful)


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## jm_85 (Jun 21, 2012)

badbane said:


> Hmmmmmm.... It could be just me but this does seem a little extreme for a crush. Plus unless he has some phon records or any other evidence of a PA it makes me wonder if he is overreacting in guilt. Just to be safe I would make a pass around his email, phone ,text, and voicemail. My wife has a crush on a guy I know. Hell I almost have a crush on the guy (no I just wanna look like him). My wife stays away from him. Has no contact with him but he admits to me that he is a beautiful man.
> I think it strange that some men don't understand that just because she is married doesn't mean she can't appreciate something else. My wife knows I would not be happy at all if she was communicating with this guy and she doesn't.
> If you have not contacted him which is easily verifiable. He has no proof and you came clean and the only thing about it is you found a guy hot. Then, i think this is a bit of and over reaction. I know someone else on here may be wanting to bash my head in with a mallet (figuratively).
> I am just giving my two cents. No evidence + you being remorseful + no contact beyond one day = not much in my opinion. But paranoia + overreaction + no attempt to let this go = suspicious (as long as you are being truthful)


He has blown many things out of proportion, that is true. He's always had a suspicion of unfaithfulness me in all these years, and it's also true that I've had a wandering eye and obsessed over immature things in the past. It's also true, however, that since the day I met him, I've never had an affair nor has another man touched me. In one sense, without getting too personal, I do understand why he has lost trust in and respect for me because I've fantasized about someone else in our first year of dating. I've been working so hard to restore the trust, but since yesterday, he's dove head first again into hurting me back. He swears our marriage will never break, and I believe that. But getting back to the crux of the problem, he believes I have contacted him. I have proof that I didn't (because it's not there!) but he interprets that to mean I've deleted every moment of contact. He's forgiven me for everything except for this one issue, which he believes to his Soul that I've laid with another. There's no proof that I did, and then there's also no proof that I didn't. And now he is in the process of getting "undeniable proof" that I did. And I can't help but feel it will be manipulated information, and I'll be forced into saying something happened that never did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Whatever you do, don't make up a story---to try and end all of this, and don't ever try to produce the alleged lover---that will just make your H., come down on you a thousand times harder, and quite possibly end your mge., no matter what you think now.

As Mayhem said, you can try a polygraph---no matter what was said prior, poly's do have some accuracy, and maybe your H., will believe the test and stop

Only other thing to do, is stick by your guns, you did nothing physical, so you have nothing to hide

What period of time can your H. be thinking you got physical, wasn't he with you all thru the wedding---so when does he think you cheated

Now you know what will happen if you do cheat---even tho in all actuality, you did have a quick little EA.


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## jm_85 (Jun 21, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Whatever you do, don't make up a story---to try and end all of this, and don't ever try to produce the alleged lover---that will just make your H., come down on you a thousand times harder, and quite possibly end your mge., no matter what you think now.
> 
> As Mayhem said, you can try a polygraph---no matter what was said prior, poly's do have some accuracy, and maybe your H., will believe the test and stop
> 
> ...


Actually, he wasn't with me at the wedding. I've given him a minute by minute account of the entire two days, yet he thinks I'm concealing something. Do I wish he was there! He's convinced something happened there, and also afterwards. Unless I can get some security can footage of the reception hall, I'm unable to prove the facts to him.

Yes, I did have an EA, and my regret and remorse and disappointment in myself is indescribable. He certainly knows and has acknowledged how sorry I am, and I am forever grateful for his compassion and understanding. But yet, he believes it was also a PA. The Lord knows it wasn't, but he thinks it was very possible. I'm trying to have faith in the truth, that the truth will prevail, but his bitterness and maliciousness towards me is so painful. I want to please him so badly but it feels like he won't let me. 

How much is a polygraph anyway?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You've said you worked through this,but was it with experienced counseling?


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## jm_85 (Jun 21, 2012)

TBT said:


> You've said you worked through this,but was it with experienced counseling?


We haven't seen any counselors, and quite honestly, my husband would never go. However, I feel that we've counseled ourselves for almost every night of the past five months. To some it may not sound very good, but I feel like we've accomplished what needed to be accomplished, but it wouldn't accomplish anything more at this point, he will do what he wants to do and his will is of iron.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Go to your closest police station, they can give you the best advice, about poly's and which operator to use---they can be anywhere from $250 to $400---more than likely

Tell your H., you are tired of his verbal abuse, for that is what it is, tell him that he will go with you while you take a poly, and then you want this over and done, and he is to not bring it up again

Tell him, if he doesn't stop---he just may need to get an atty., to defend a D., action cuz you are not gonna go thru life repeatedly defending/taking blame for something you did not do

When you say these things---get up in his face, and be NASTY/HARSH---you need to back him down

You are doing what you can about the EA, tell him you will work on that, but there is nothing else to be worked on---and as I said before, do not be nice about it!!!!!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

_Ultimately, *I believe he will confront my brother's friend *in an attempt to read his response to his questions/accusations. I just hate that he's given up on my word and *would believe a complete stranger who's behavior I can't predict*. I have nothing to hide so I'm trying to stay confident, yet I fear that H will manipulate anything just to hear "the big one."_

Why would your brother's friend lie about NOT having sex with you if he actually did not have sex with you? I can see why he would say he did not have sex with you when he did, but I can't understand why he would lie the other way around, except if it's just to hurt your husband or you. Is there animosity from the other manb toward you or your husband?

Also, in your post, you keep saying you used to be "_immature_." Are you using that word to mean "_constantly flirtatious with other men behind your husband's back or even right in front of his nose_"? Just trying to figure out why he believes so sincerely that you must have cheated on him physically?


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## jm_85 (Jun 21, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> _Ultimately, *I believe he will confront my brother's friend *in an attempt to read his response to his questions/accusations. I just hate that he's given up on my word and *would believe a complete stranger who's behavior I can't predict*. I have nothing to hide so I'm trying to stay confident, yet I fear that H will manipulate anything just to hear "the big one."_
> 
> Why would your brother's friend lie about NOT having sex with you if he actually did not have sex with you? I can see why he would say he did not have sex with you when he did, but I can't understand why he would lie the other way around, except if it's just to hurt your husband or you. Is there animosity from the other manb toward you or your husband?
> 
> Also, in your post, you keep saying you used to be "_immature_." Are you using that word to mean "_constantly flirtatious with other men behind your husband's back or even right in front of his nose_"? Just trying to figure out why he believes so sincerely that you must have cheated on him physically?


There is no animosity, they've never even met or spoken to each other, so yes I'm trying to have faith in a stranger who in all probability has no idea of our problems. But, like my husband says he has a gut feeling that there was a physical affair, I have a gut feeling my husband will invert or construe the guy's response no matter how honest he would be. I too wonder why he is so convinced, why his gut feeling is calling me a liar when I tell the truth. I can only presume it is because I've lied about my feelings in the past (though I've confessed and repented of all of them). He also thinks my change is not possible without physical experience. Truth is, physical experience isn't necessary for change from within, in my book. I've tried to explain that to him, but he won't accept it. 

I say immature in that I thought and acted much like a naive 14 year old girl obsessed with superficiality and not taking life, actions or thoughts seriously.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

tell him to set up a polygraph so you guys can settle this. this is damaging you and him.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Would you at least peak at his emails, fb private messages, texts, and private tweets. Just do it for posterity sake. I am still wondering how emotionally attached were you to this EA. Did you talk about sexual fantasies, how good/bad/awful your marriages were. Did you talk to this guy multiple times per day. In reading everything you have said so far I am just curious. EA don't typically happen overnight. It usually starts as a friendship and then supernovas from there. But they usually start over a week to month's time. It doesn't usually start and 24 hours later you are in an EA. Nor does having a sexual fantasy for another guy really amount to cheating. It is not good per se but if you aren't communicating often enough to develop an emotional connection and you never acted on it. Then you didn't really breach anything. I mean I would be insane if i thought my wife didn't have have a secret fantasy or two. Not that i like that or anything but jeez the she is a woman and she has eyes. Hell I prefer my wife just come out and tell me she is attracted to certain men. So I know who I should keep her away from.


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## jm_85 (Jun 21, 2012)

badbane said:


> Would you at least peak at his emails, fb private messages, texts, and private tweets. Just do it for posterity sake. I am still wondering how emotionally attached were you to this EA. Did you talk about sexual fantasies, how good/bad/awful your marriages were. Did you talk to this guy multiple times per day. In reading everything you have said so far I am just curious. EA don't typically happen overnight. It usually starts as a friendship and then supernovas from there. But they usually start over a week to month's time. It doesn't usually start and 24 hours later you are in an EA. Nor does having a sexual fantasy for another guy really amount to cheating. It is not good per se but if you aren't communicating often enough to develop an emotional connection and you never acted on it. Then you didn't really breach anything. I mean I would be insane if i thought my wife didn't have have a secret fantasy or two. Not that i like that or anything but jeez the she is a woman and she has eyes. Hell I prefer my wife just come out and tell me she is attracted to certain men. So I know who I should keep her away from.


I saw and made wporadic small talk with the guy at the rehearsal dinner, wedding and reception. Never saw or spoke to the guy afterwards. I had a few sexual fantasies of him after that. I was then confronted about it a week or two after the wedding weekend, and I realized and repented of my sin. 

My husband's been faithful since the day I met him. I could make it easy and say that he has said the reason why he doesn't believe me in this one matter is because I've lied to him in the past. He's said so himself. That's something that's being worked on by me. However, he is still hell-bent on proving that something happened between the guy and me, and it's just so frustrating that I have no way to prove the truth. So because I don't have proof, he takes that as something did happen and then continuously accusing me of hiding something from him. I love my husband to death and his obsession with proving me a liar is putting such a damper and our progress and reconciliation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

So many BH (betrayed husbands) were convinced by their cheating wives that they never had sex with their OM only to find out later that they actually did. It may be that your husband wants to believe that you did have sex with the OM to avoid being sucker punched twice like those other BH were and then having to go through another gut wrenching DDay. Believing the worst to avoid a future heartbreak may be his coping mechanism.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

But this kinda sounds ridiculous don't you think? Its only natural to find someone else attractive but I guess flirting outrageously with him probably crossed the line at least where your husband is concerned. You don't have the OM's email address or any contact info do you? because in your husbands eyes that will just reinforce his belief


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

jm_85 said:


> I saw and made wporadic small talk with the guy at the rehearsal dinner, wedding and reception. Never saw or spoke to the guy afterwards. I had a few sexual fantasies of him after that. I was then confronted about it a week or two after the wedding weekend, and I realized and repented of my sin.


This doesn't even sound like an EA. You had 'small talk' with the guy. 

How could that ever come out as an EA?

How did your husband find out about you fantasizing about this guy?

This doesn't add up to me. If this is all that happened, then I don't understand how your husband even found out about it. 




jm_85 said:


> My husband's been faithful since the day I met him.


But have you always been faithful? My guess is you haven't and this has caused your husband to not trust you. This is just something that people that have cheated need to learn to live with.


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Then tell him you're willing to take a polygraph test to prove you're not lying.





jnj express said:


> As Mayhem said, you can try a polygraph---no matter what was said prior, poly's do have some accuracy, and maybe your H., will believe the test and stop





jnj express said:


> Go to your closest police station, they can give you the best advice, about poly's and which operator to use---they can be anywhere from $250 to $400---more than likely


As others said "*Take a Polygraph*" :scratchhead:


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

You fantasized about this guy, sometimes we all do that but I really think your husband is acting like a little b*tch at this point, keep your online accounts and your whereabouts known and open at all times, if he's still not convinced of your faithfulness he probably never will be.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> This doesn't even sound like an EA. You had 'small talk' with the guy.
> 
> How could that ever come out as an EA?
> 
> ...


I know, it doesn't add up. Some things are being left out.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I know, it doesn't add up. Some things are being left out.


My feelings exactly, why would anyone want blow this up and make a mountain out of a molehill? Unless he is paranoid to the n th degree or there're some skeletons that are yet to come tumbling out of the closet


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

anonymouskitty said:


> My feelings exactly, why would anyone want blow this up and make a mountain out of a molehill? Unless he is paranoid to the n th degree or there're some skeletons that are yet to come tumbling out of the closet


:iagree:

IKR? Because the situation as described appears to be a mild flirtation. Inappropriate yes, but not an EA. Either there's more to it or the H is paranoid.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

lamaga said:


> and for the umpteenth time, polygraphs are not admissible in court for a reason. If he doesn't want to trust her, then a polygraph won't help, he'll just figure that she's one of the 20-25% who can defeat a polygraph.
> 
> And then where are you?
> 
> No, it's about trust. There are a million ways to cheat on someone, so it's about deciding to trust. You cannot make him do that.


courts are lagging behind technology. Thye always have. Took a long time for DNA evidence to be accepted. Now, it is well recognized.
You need to realize that courts are un by laywers,like me, not the bightest bulbs out there.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> _Ultimately, *I believe he will confront my brother's friend *in an attempt to read his response to his questions/accusations. I just hate that he's given up on my word and *would believe a complete stranger who's behavior I can't predict*. I have nothing to hide so I'm trying to stay confident, yet I fear that H will manipulate anything just to hear "the big one."_
> 
> Why would your brother's friend lie about NOT having sex with you if he actually did not have sex with you? I can see why he would say he did not have sex with you when he did, but I can't understand why he would lie the other way around, except if it's just to hurt your husband or you. Is there animosity from the other manb toward you or your husband?
> 
> Also, in your post, you keep saying you used to be "_immature_." Are you using that word to mean "_constantly flirtatious with other men behind your husband's back or even right in front of his nose_"? Just trying to figure out why he believes so sincerely that you must have cheated on him physically?


Excellent point. Some logical inconsistency there. A sign of lying?
Also, good question re what "immature" means. In the context of what she has done, I suspect she is referencing really inappropriate behavior in the past.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> You fantasized about this guy, sometimes we all do that but I really think your husband is acting like a little b*tch at this point, keep your online accounts and your whereabouts known and open at all times, if he's still not convinced of your faithfulness he probably never will be.


I suspect there is sginificantly more to this story, ak. I doubt her husband, out of the blue, picked up on vibes about her merely fantasizing. 
Someone at the wedding may have told hom something. Or, ths woman may have a history which is less than sterling.


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## jm_85 (Jun 21, 2012)

There was an EA, all in my head without any participation from the OM. Participation as in conversation was limited to the events of that weekend, that was all. Anything after that were fantasies that played in my head. However, H is convinced that something physical did occur at the wedding and believes that I'm afraid to tell him so. The truth and facts of that night, he feels, aren't the whole story. The problem I have is that while I accept that my evasiveness and lying in the past have out me in this position, he knows that I am a changed person. For that, I am grateful; but yet, he feels that I'm afraid to tell him that something happened (even though nothing did! And I can't prove that, so I am indescribably angry at myself and distressed about how horribly I've handled this). 

Tomorrow, H is going to ask the OM what happened that night, under the pretense that he has info on the OM's gf -- a you tell me and I'll tell you kind of conversation. I'm 99.9% positive the OM has and never had any idea that I crushed on him. I fear that H will manipulate the conversation, or OM will have a bad (or desperate because someone has the dl on his gf) idea and say something happened that never did. Do I just not have faith in people? H is seeing if our "stories" align. If OM says something contrariwise to my laying out all the facts, he says he will divorce. I don't even know what to say think or feel, other than I feel utter sadness and anger at myself. I just want my husband and I to be on the same page, we are doing so well in every other aspect of our marriage and reconciliation, except for this one thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

How exactly did he discover it?He just asked you if you had crush on another guy?
How long did you think about this guy,if you only thought about him during the weekend and your husband wasn't there you must have thought about him for prolonged time after that wedding?


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## jm_85 (Jun 21, 2012)

NewM said:


> How exactly did he discover it?He just asked you if you had crush on another guy?
> How long did you think about this guy,if you only thought about him during the weekend and your husband wasn't there you must have thought about him for prolonged time after that wedding?


He suspected me of something the moment I came home after the reception. I came home before 12, but that was still too late for him and the moment I walked in the door, I knew he was angry at me. I had called him around 8 that evening that the wedding was scheduled late (which it was). However, it was still too late and upon my noticing his anger, I got upset and sat on the sofa, and he immediately began accusing me of messing around. I got snippy and sarcastic at him, and until now, he interprets that as I was hiding something. When i think about how I could have acted differently, i realize that it was a damned if I do (if I went to hug and kiss him hello, he'd have thought I was trying to cover something up --but yes I did have a guilty conscience for crushing on a guy) and damned if I don't situation --as in, whatever i would have done that night walking in the front door, if I went over and kissed him or didn't, he would have pushed me away because he was mad at me. 

He kept at it (accusing me of liking someone), and I kept evading his questions and continued to fantasize about the guy for the next few weeks. A few weeks after that weekend, H suddenly accuses me of a PA, saying he has a gut feeling and just had a vision that I had an affair. 

Now I know I am deeply in the wrong, and rather than facing up to and immediately recognizing how terrible and disgusting I was being (on my own), I continued to act like an ****ole for a month. I'll never forgive myself for behaving like so for so long and hurting him --that is what kills me the most.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Way too much info being left out by OP. Just how did this issue come up with your H??? Please tell.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

lamaga said:


> and for the umpteenth time, polygraphs are not admissible in court for a reason. If he doesn't want to trust her, then a polygraph won't help, he'll just figure that she's one of the 20-25% who can defeat a polygraph.
> 
> And then where are you?
> 
> No, it's about trust. There are a million ways to cheat on someone, so it's about deciding to trust. You cannot make him do that.


Imagine that? For once Iamaga, I agree wholeheartedly with your views on the polygraph.
The reason they aren't considered evidence in a court of law is they represent the viewpoint of the examiner's "interpretation".


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

BS!!! I have said many times and will repeat it, they are more accurate than eye witness testimony. If you all want to believe otherwise than fine. I do this crap for a living. They work!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> courts are lagging behind technology. Thye always have. Took a long time for DNA evidence to be accepted. Now, it is well recognized.
> You need to realize that courts are un by laywers,like me, not the bightest bulbs out there.


One of my bros is a polygrapher for the "XYZ". I myself used to work for the "ABC", another federal agency. I was always getting accused of giving deceptive answers on at least one question every time I had to do the poly. Every time, even though I never gave a false answer. Google this phrase "spies who beat the polygraph". Almost all of it depends on the skill of the operator, and there are some clinkers out there.

Having said that, they're great for infidelity situations. The mere threat often opens the floodgates.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

jm_85 said:


> He suspected me of something the moment I came home after the reception.


He's up to something on his own if he made an accusation without any evidence whatsoever. He's projecting.


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## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

My wife and I are going through a similar situation. Without all the details, if nothing has happened all my worries and insecurities about what I think she may have done were brought about by her evasiveness and untruths when the truth in the first place would have avoided months of arguments and stress. I'm like your husband - could be described as paranoid now but I'm not hiding any EA or PA so I'm not convinced about OP doing the snooping.
Just out of interest, has your attempts to regain your h's trust involved a change in your sex life? I only ask because my w has gone from 0-60 during our process of trying to sort out a similar issue and of course I wonder if it's guilt sex. 
One other thing, why did the OP post this on CWI when none has taken place?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

earlyforties said:


> My wife and I are going through a similar situation. Without all the details, if nothing has happened all my worries and insecurities about what I think she may have done were brought about by her evasiveness and untruths when the truth in the first place would have avoided months of arguments and stress.


Are you satisfied nothing happened?


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## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Are you satisfied nothing happened?


I don't want to divert jm_85's thread but I thought I'd mention it because I'm possibly in a similar situation to her h. I'm trying to be satisfied (It's a long story which I posted a couple of months back then removed through concern that the details might reveal persons concerned). I've tried numerous approaches to find what I thought might be the truth and got no where. Our relationship has changed - in some ways for the better but I'm aware this could due to my w's attempt to gloss over something 'inappropriate'. So I'm going along with the improved situation, seeing how long it lasts and keeping eyes and ears peeled. I recently told an IC about it and her reply was 'there's no smoke without fire'... so no, I'm not completely satisfied but I'm trying to move on - it's hard work playing the detective 24-7 for months - work and relationships suffer so I'm trying to find some normality, but as I say, keeping alert.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I know, it doesn't add up. Some things are being left out.


Maybe a gossip has added 1 and 1, came up with 5 and told husband a load of old cobblers?


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> One of my bros is a polygrapher for the "XYZ". I myself used to work for the "ABC", another federal agency. I was always getting accused of giving deceptive answers on at least one question every time I had to do the poly. Every time, even though I never gave a false answer. Google this phrase "spies who beat the polygraph". Almost all of it depends on the skill of the operator, and there are some clinkers out there.
> 
> Having said that, they're great for infidelity situations. The mere threat often opens the floodgates.


I also failed a poly once I was 100% truthful on. The examiner tried to then elicit a "truth" out of me that was not there. I re-took the poly at a later date and passed.

They may be "more accurate" than eyewitness testimony, but that is hardly setting the bar very high. They are a tool to use to get at the truth...not an exceptionally accurate indicator of it. Much relies on the skill of the examiner himself. 



> He's always had a suspicion of unfaithfulness me in all these years, and it's also true that I've had a wandering eye and obsessed over immature things in the past. It's also true, however, that since the day I met him, I've never had an affair nor has another man touched me. In one sense, without getting too personal, I do understand why he has lost trust in and respect for me because I've fantasized about someone else in our first year of dating.


You fantasized about another man. Wow. You even "crushed" on him a little bit. Horrific (not). If that was grounds for justifiable jealousy or divorce, I'd venture to say many a woman and man here on TAM would be consulting attorneys right now. 

If you have not done something to cause this distrust, then he is being a controlling, insecure lunatic. This is why jealousy and insecurity kills relationships. I could care less if my wife fantasizes about other men (am I in the minority here?). I don't see it as a "first step" to cheating. I see it as normal human behavior. It's the character and devotion to another that should keep someone from ever acting on something like that. But "that" (the fantasy or crush) in and of themselves, mean little to nothing in my mind. Now, take steps to act on that, or not keep the appropriate distance and create an environment where something could build? NOW we have a problem. That is the difference between someone who cheats, and someone who does not....acting on normal impulses or not keeping appropriate distance to someone they could be attracted to.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jm_85 said:


> There was an EA, all in my head without any participation from the OM. Participation as in conversation was limited to the events of that weekend, that was all. Anything after that were fantasies that played in my head. However, H is convinced that something physical did occur at the wedding and believes that I'm afraid to tell him so. The truth and facts of that night, he feels, aren't the whole story. The problem I have is that while I accept that my evasiveness and lying in the past have out me in this position, he knows that I am a changed person. For that, I am grateful; but yet, he feels that I'm afraid to tell him that something happened (even though nothing did! And I can't prove that, so I am indescribably angry at myself and distressed about how horribly I've handled this).
> 
> *Tomorrow, H is going to ask the OM what happened that night, under the pretense that he has info on the OM's gf *-- a you tell me and I'll tell you kind of conversation. I'm 99.9% positive the OM has and never had any idea that I crushed on him. I fear that H will manipulate the conversation, or OM will have a bad (or desperate because someone has the dl on his gf) idea and say something happened that never did. Do I just not have faith in people? H is seeing if our "stories" align. If OM says something contrariwise to my laying out all the facts, he says he will divorce. I don't even know what to say think or feel, other than I feel utter sadness and anger at myself. I just want my husband and I to be on the same page, we are doing so well in every other aspect of our marriage and reconciliation, except for this one thing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So...what did your husband learn? Did he actually have this conversation two days ago?


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