# Have I married a roommate ???



## Kygirl1969 (Mar 5, 2014)

This is my first time posting here. I'm thankful to find a place where others are having similar issues to mine. My husband and I got married 1 1/2 years ago, second marriage for both of us. My sex drive has always been extremely high, and he led me to believe his was the same when we were getting to know each other. Now he feels like my roommate. Don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful husband in every other way, very attentive and affectionate to a point. Hard worker, great sense of humor, but sex is essentially gone. We've gone up to 3 months without it and that doesn't seem to phase him. Just no desire. He says he does desire me, but constantly rejects me when it comes to sex. "too tired", "i prefer mornings", then morning comes and nothing. Part of the reason his first marriage dissolved was she refused him constantly. Then he talks about how he wishes I'd known him when he was with his ex-girlfriend, they had sex almost daily. He seems to have nothing left for me. He won't go to counseling. Had his testosterone checked, it was normal. If I could eliminate sex from my mind I'd be perfectly happy. Haven't figured out how to make that happen yet. At my wits end.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Some men just aren't that sexual, contrary to popular belief that they are *all* slobbering dogs after sex.

I'm betting the "sex almost daily" with the ex is a misrepresentation, and I would also doubt the ex-wife rejecting him story.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. I would bail.


----------



## OwlGirl (Mar 3, 2014)

I'm so sorry to hear you are having to deal with this. I have been living in a sexless marriage myself for more than 10 years with my husband (7x / year or so). 

My two cents is to nip it in the bud now - because this issue will not go away, and you will become resentful and bitter as the years pass. Sex is a beautiful, normal thing that couples need - not only for physical satiety, but for emotional connectedness as well. 

My situation has finally come to a head (along with a plethora of other issues with my dear husband), and I am contemplating leaving at this point. We are seeking counseling for this issue among many others as a last ditch effort to save the marriage. 

Best of luck getting him to open his eyes to your important desire for intimacy. Life is too short. Sex is absolutely essential to a real marriage.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why won't he go to counsing? Have you told him how frustrated you are? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

Ugh. Why do we marry such mismatches. I don't hear a lot about couples where one wants weekly vs partner wanting two times a week. It seems like it's always extremes. I hear ya OP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Kygirl1969 said:


> This is my first time posting here. I'm thankful to find a place where others are having similar issues to mine. My husband and I got married 1 1/2 years ago, second marriage for both of us. My sex drive has always been extremely high, and he led me to believe his was the same when we were getting to know each other. Now he feels like my roommate. Don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful husband in every other way, very attentive and affectionate to a point. Hard worker, great sense of humor, but sex is essentially gone. We've gone up to 3 months without it and that doesn't seem to phase him. Just no desire. He says he does desire me, but constantly rejects me when it comes to sex. "too tired", "i prefer mornings", then morning comes and nothing. *Part of the reason his first marriage dissolved was she refused him constantly*. Then he talks about how he wishes I'd known him when he was with his ex-girlfriend, they had sex almost daily. He seems to have nothing left for me. He won't go to counseling. Had his testosterone checked, it was normal. If I could eliminate sex from my mind I'd be perfectly happy. Haven't figured out how to make that happen yet. At my wits end.



This can really put a world of hurtin on a person... Wondering if this has affected him and he may not know it. He does not want this to happen again... if he minimizes or removes sex, it cant happen again. IMHO.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Yours is a common problem, but if he won't go to counseling, then he is not even willing to try and fix it, and that is not a good sign. I strongly suggest you give him an ultimatum: you both go to counseling or you will leave. 

Do you have children together? You have only been married 18 months so if you get out, the time to do it is now.


----------



## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

You've been married only 18 months and you've gone up to 3 months without it? I'm sorry but sex is a huge part of life in my opinion and without it all bets are off. I don't understand what people are thinking when they decide to remove that from a marriage. To me its asking for trouble. You should bail out because if its bad now wait until later.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Maybe try writing him a long letter expressing your feelings.

Make it positive. Tell him how much you love him, and that you need more frequency and yearn for intimacy with him.

Bounce it off the people here who can give you feedback.

Maybe he will get it. Sure hope so.

He needs to realize what a lucky guy he is. Sexless marriages are crummy and heartbreaking.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Sounds like maybe he is punishing you for something. Does he watch porn? Him being of normal testosterone level and going three months without sex is very very strange so my best guess is he is angry with you or addicted to porn.


----------



## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

3 months is a very long time for a guy not to initiate sex..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kygirl1969 (Mar 5, 2014)

I know he used to watch porn...hell I've even offered to put it on the big screen and watch it with him to spice things up...he doesn't want to. There is nothing I won't try to bring him around.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I guess the question is what has changed in a year and a half?


----------



## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

Accipiter777 said:


> This can really put a world of hurtin on a person... Wondering if this has affected him and he may not know it. He does not want this to happen again... if he minimizes or removes sex, it cant happen again. IMHO.


This times 1000, this is what killed my drive. I use to have a VERY high drive and want 5-6 times per week. My ex shot me down left and right, had an EA (most likely PA even though I never could prove it was) and STILL shot me down. We were both 27 and 28 respectively. Went over 1 whole year with being rejected. Now that I'm free I have no interest in women and would rather masturbate than try to get sex since I'd rather just not get it than to have rejection occur again. I guess it's been turned off so to speak.....

I wish you luck..


----------



## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

I don't know what's wrong with people. I go at it like a rabbit.


----------



## Kygirl1969 (Mar 5, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> I guess the question is what has changed in a year and a half?


----------



## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

Accipiter777 said:


> This can really put a world of hurtin on a person... Wondering if this has affected him and he may not know it. He does not want this to happen again... if he minimizes or removes sex, it cant happen again. IMHO.


Yes, its like a protection mechanism. I'm not saying that this IS his issue, but its one possible theory. 

Also, a similar but slightly different theory: I know that what happens sometimes with men (and women I suppose), when they are continuously being turned down by their partner, is that, as a coping mechanism, they essentially rewire their brain regarding sex. They deal with the situation by sort of turning off the part of them that needs sex - they kinda let it go dead so that it doesn't bother them as much... so that the lack of it doesn't drive them crazy, and they no longer think about it much, look forward to it, or expect it. Not all men are willing or able to do this, but I do know of men who have been in situations, for instance, where there was a health issue on the part of their wife, and they had no intention of being unfaithful, and of course, wouldn't keep pressuring her, so they coped through this approach (along with keeping themselves very, very busy in life to help avoid thinking about it). What ends up happening is that they end up conditioning themselves to not think about it, not need it. They basically kill the drive within themselves, so even if the situation changes, they no longer have the type of need/desire/urge that would have otherwise been normal for them. The good news is that this "re-wiring" can be undone and they can get their drive back, but _how_ they get to that point again all depends on the specifics of the circumstances (do they even realize that they shut down their drive & how it happened, do they want to get their drive back, etc, etc).

Anyway, that's a very, very hard situation you are in, as are others on this board, and I feel for you.


----------



## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

helpthisguy86 said:


> This times 1000, this is what killed my drive. I use to have a VERY high drive and want 5-6 times per week. My ex shot me down left and right, had an EA (most likely PA even though I never could prove it was) and STILL shot me down. We were both 27 and 28 respectively. Went over 1 whole year with being rejected. Now that I'm free I have no interest in women and would rather masturbate than try to get sex since I'd rather just not get it than to have rejection occur again. I guess it's been turned off so to speak.....
> 
> I wish you luck..



I can totally understand where you are coming from, but I hope not too long from now you dust yourself off and get back in the game (you're single, unlike the people here who are stuck & slowly dying in a sexless marriage - go find the right person who is a compatible match for you and wants you as much as you want her - she's out there!). If you keep yourself shut down like this, one day you're going to wake up and realize how much you've held yourself back, how much living you've missed out on, and then you'll deal with even more pain from regret. I understand the need for a bit of a recovery period after something like that, but if you let yourself remain in that state for too long, you might really be cheating yourself  Just my 2 cents....


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Just one possibility here. Some men thrive on conquering. He may be one of those. In his subconscious he may view sex with you as a given thereby removing the need to conquer you. Perhaps a bit of the 180 might help. 

Good luck may the winds of change be at your back!


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I'm confused, KyGirl.

I understand it's a 2nd marriage for both of you.


> My sex drive has always been extremely high, and he led me to believe his was the same when we were getting to know each other.


Am I correct in inferring that you did NOT have sex with your husband BEFORE marriage, so you only had his 'word' to go on that he was HD?



> He says he does desire me, but constantly rejects me when it comes to sex. "too tired", "i prefer mornings", then morning comes and nothing. Part of the reason his first marriage dissolved was she refused him constantly. Then he talks about how he wishes I'd known him when he was with his ex-girlfriend, they had sex almost daily. He seems to have nothing left for me.


Am I correct in inferring that he was in his sexless first marriage, THEN came the girlfriend with the daily sex life, THEN came you. The girlfriend with the daily sex life was NOT before the sexless first marriage?



> He won't go to counseling. Had his testosterone checked, it was normal.


*If* both of my inferences above are correct, then I would have to believe that Faithful Wife hit the nail on the head when she said:


> I'm betting the "sex almost daily" with the ex is a misrepresentation, and I would also doubt the ex-wife rejecting him story.


Because if my inferences are correct, then he isn't rejecting sex with you *out of fear of rejection from you* (as Accipter and HelpThisGuy posited) because the 24/7/365-sex-gf in between marriage#1 and YOU would have mitigated his fear of rejection. If I've made incorrect inferences and screwed up the timeline, then please ignore my theory.

*Two possible theories:*

He's asexual; sounds more likely that marriage#1 imploded because of it, and ex-gf w/extraordinary sex life is made-up to assure you he's NOT asexual. Rejection of you would be because he's asexual,
Fear of rejection as Accipter & HelpThisGuy spoke of is also possible. But, again, the 24/7/365-sex-gf could not have existed.
Either way, you're only 18 months into this marriage. If you can't live without sex and intimacy, he can't/won't give it to you, he refuses to seek help with you...what is left? You know.


----------



## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

soulseer said:


> 3 months is a very long time for a guy not to initiate sex..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly my thoughts. There has to be more to his story than the OP knows about.


----------

