# Mother in law crossing boundaries



## goodlife1 (Mar 10, 2016)

Hello everyone,

I have been having difficulty with my mother in law since the time we got married about 2 years ago, and I would appreciate any advice on how to deal with this. My mother in law, buys us tons of foods (veggies, fruits, random household items) on sale and gives to my hubby when he visits her every weekend. Not only that, she cooks enough dinners for 5 days and gives them to my hubby to take home. This has been going on since the beginning of our marriage. 

Now, I want to cook for my hubby, buy our household things ourselves, and essentially build our own little cozy nest for my hubby and me, our own little world. It is really hard to do with my mother in law sending tons of stuff every darn Sunday!! 

First of all, is this even something you would consider normal? I have tried talking to my husband many times about this, but it he isn't very receptive about my objection. He thinks that since his mother uses coupons and buys things on super sale, it is good for us that she is saving money. But, honestly, my hubby and I are in our late 30s, and I think we need space from his mother, to form our own shopping routines and see what methods work best for our weekly schedules and needs. 

In addition, I strongly object to his mom sending us cooked food enough for 5 dinners! I feel that by doing this she is really crossing boundaries. As a couple, I want us to have our own little traditions and customs, little things that happen when you grow and share life together as a couple. For example, have special sunday night meal menu. Or a little something special to surprise him during the week. How is that possible if he always feels obliged to eat his mom's food? 

We have had several arguments over this. Last Sunday, my hubby was really busy, and told his mom that he would be unable to visit her and that she shouldn't worry about food etc. And guess what she did! She drove all the way in pouring rain to us with 5 cooked dinners for the week! I want to cook for my own family and want my husband to eat it! My husband does like my food and I have been complimented by his friends as well. 

BUT, my husband makes sure to eat his mom's food when she brings, and which she does without fail. Its been 2 years! Im frustrated. How do I enforce some boundaries.

Greatful for all or any advice from you all,

Thanks!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Have you ever seen the movie "Throw Momma From The Train"???

I honestly wouldn't be able to tolerate what you have to deal with. Your H should respect your wishes and he should be the one setting boundaries with his Mom. Maybe start off small, see if he can get his Mom to drop down to 1-2x a month instead of every Sunday.

How is your relationship with his Mom otherwise? Is she overstepping her boundaries in other areas?


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Apparently your husband is either ignoring his marriage vows or lied when he promised to _Leave-and-Cleave_ and _Forsake-all-others_. He is putting his mommy and her pweshus feewings before you. He is married to his mommy and you are simply his booty call.

The next time he brings home mommy's cooking, dump them in the trash, containers and all. Tell him you two are grown adults who are married, to each other, and you will *NOT* allow another woman to interfere with your marriage.

You two need marriage counseling* NOW* but *NOT* with one of those _happy-families-at-all-costs _type of therapists.

If your husband refuses this, you have to tell him you cannot be married to a boy who is married to his mommy. I would find it repulsive to be intimate with a man/boy who puts his mommy first.

IamSomebody


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Don't you already have a thread about this?


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## goodlife1 (Mar 10, 2016)

No, I do not have another post about this issue


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I have HUGE issues with my inlaws, especially MIL, so full disclosure and all...BUT...what is the spirit in which these dinners are being given to you? Do you both work full time and she's trying to be helpful and ease your load a bit?

OR is she doing it in the spirit of "making sure her baby boy is looked after"?

The answer to that will determine how you should put some boundaries in place - and I absolutely agree that boundaries are needed here.

There are nice MIL's out there apparently, I just landed Satan's daughter as mine! Rofl!


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## goodlife1 (Mar 10, 2016)

Hi Frusdil, I have plenty of time to cook for my husband and in fact do cook for him. But she delivers her meals anyway. She knows I have time. And we haven't asked for help.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

goodlife1 said:


> No, I do not have another post about this issue


Your other thread is also about your mother in law being a negative impact on your marriage.....as well as your husband's support of her intrusion.

You would get better advice by keeping all mother in law posts in one thread.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

You married a momma's boy. He was always a momma's boy. Not sure what made you think that would change after marriage. 

Time to put your foot down. Tell your husband to ask his mommy to stop, or you will. Next time his mommy drops off food, toss it away and make your own meals. Let your husband pout all he wants. Take control of your household. Right now, you're not being assertive so your husband isn't taking you seriously.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Celes said:


> You married a momma's boy. He was always a momma's boy. Not sure what made you think that would change after marriage.
> 
> Time to put your foot down. Tell your husband to ask his mommy to stop, or you will. Next time his mommy drops off food, toss it away and make your own meals. Let your husband pout all he wants. Take control of your household. Right now, you're not being assertive so your husband isn't taking you seriously.


This is one of those situations that I advocate a "bit" of a softer approach. She can be VERY assertive in her own mind first. Make the hard decision that she intends to shift this tide, but on the outside I would do it in a way that preserves all the bonds with such a supportive family. When my H and I first met his parents were and are very generous people. Well, I came out of a background where money comes with strings attached as does affection. So, my trust level is almost non existent, but I could also tell that if I didn't handle things with a soft stick that I would harm my relationship with my MIL who has a big heart and definitely wanted us to be successful as a couple. So, I handled it with a MUCH softer stick. It could be very well that this MIL wants to take the pressure off her daughter in law, which was the case in our home, as much as she wants to feed her son. She gained a daughter, didn't lose a son. So, though this DEFINITELY needs to make a transition... and yes, I know it's already been two years, but do it in a clear, methodical but KIND way. Your husband needs to be brought on board that you want to be the Queen of your home and take care of your family and his mother is not allowing her to take on that mantle and that both she and he need to allow that transition. I recommend letting her know to reduce the amount of food she cooks, ask her to focus on their own needs, ask her to take a week off... and just keep doing those things until she is more in line. IF she won't back off THEN draw a hard line, but I see much more wiggle room to ease her into it instead of knocking her back into it. 

jmo


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It's not normal. It's bizarre.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Although untrue, but you and your MIL are both trying to get there the same way. 

What is the real path to your husband's heart? You need to find this out and get there... If it is these "acts of service"... then you do have a problem.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It may be as simple as asking her to stop doing this, so you can create your own traditions and cooking skills. She probably thinks she's being helpful, that you are busy, and that there aren't any issues. Hopefully she'll understand and go along with this.

If that doesn't work, ask you husband to not accept the food. If he won't, then freeze it and make your own meals for him. If that doesn't work (he won't eat yours, but will thaw hers), throw out her food and make your own. And if that doesn't work, throw him out! (j/k)


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Blossom Leigh said:


> This is one of those situations that I advocate a "bit" of a softer approach. She can be VERY assertive in her own mind first. Make the hard decision that she intends to shift this tide, but on the outside I would do it in a way that preserves all the bonds with such a supportive family. When my H and I first met his parents were and are very generous people. Well, I came out of a background where money comes with strings attached as does affection. So, my trust level is almost non existent, but I could also tell that if I didn't handle things with a soft stick that I would harm my relationship with my MIL who has a big heart and definitely wanted us to be successful as a couple. So, I handled it with a MUCH softer stick. It could be very well that this MIL wants to take the pressure off her daughter in law, which was the case in our home, as much as she wants to feed her son. She gained a daughter, didn't lose a son. So, though this DEFINITELY needs to make a transition... and yes, I know it's already been two years, but do it in a clear, methodical but KIND way. Your husband needs to be brought on board that you want to be the Queen of your home and take care of your family and his mother is not allowing her to take on that mantle and that both she and he need to allow that transition. I recommend letting her know to reduce the amount of food she cooks, ask her to focus on their own needs, ask her to take a week off... and just keep doing those things until she is more in line. IF she won't back off THEN draw a hard line, but I see much more wiggle room to ease her into it instead of knocking her back into it.
> 
> jmo


The problem isn't the MIL, it's her momma's boy husband. He is the one enabling everything and who she needs to be firm with. She's got another thread where her husband wants to "hire" his mommy as their house keeper. If she doesn't put her foot down with him, he will continue his unhealthy behavior.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Celes said:


> The problem isn't the MIL, it's her momma's boy husband. He is the one enabling everything and who she needs to be firm with. She's got another thread where her husband wants to "hire" his mommy as their house keeper. If she doesn't put her foot down with him, he will continue his unhealthy behavior.


uh oh... headed to take a look.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Ok... here is the issue with these type situations... he allows her this kind of access because he trusts her. Where as the trust in a new marriage is in the process of being built but isn't 100% there yet. Its why so many of these guys have a hard time cutting out their mothers because they end up feeling vulnerable with this new untrusted territory. This is a spot that if not handled right will damage his trust in you. You will actually drive him TO her and create long standing problems. So my first advice is to be very mindful of how you proceed because he is in this trench deep. Don't unnecessarily damage your own relationship with him in the attempt to get this thing fixed. But at the same time, the longer it goes on the more damaged YOU are, so it needs as fast a remedy as possible so that your resentment is resolvable. Let go too long and it becomes unresolvable and becomes a source of triggers in the relationship. So, It may be as simple as sitting them both down and letting them know together "Look, I love you both very much, but this situation is out of balance. I want to take good care of my husband and family and you both are taking that joy out of my hands and I want that joy in my hands. I would like to ask both of you to allow me the right to experience the joy of taking care of my own family as the woman that I am. I didn't know how else to approach this and not hurt either of your, so I wanted to make sure you know this is not coming from a place of wanting to hurt either of you in anyway, I just want my joy allowed to me and to ask you both to refrain from taking it away from me. Is this something you can do?"

THEN if they balk.... go hard line... but try soft first.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

goodlife1 said:


> No, I do not have another post about this issue


No, apparently you have TWO other threads about this already. About your MIL anyway. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/322713-mother-law-situation.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...on/322729-need-help-mother-law-situation.html


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Anyway. Your husband is a HUGE mommy's boy and needs to tell his mother to butt the hell out of your marriage.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

I guess I'm odd compared to the rest of you, because if the shoe was on the other foot, and I had a MIL who wanted to feed my family 5 days a week I'd probably take it and not spend any money on food lol. Take the money I saved on food budget and use it on something fun with the W. 

Then again, I came from a family that constantly had each other over for dinner, and whoever hosted always sent people home with a couple days worth of leftovers. 

OP, if you want a tactful way to get rid of the food without throwing it out, why not just have some friends or family (or the MIL) over for a night, and feed it to them. You get to have fun with other people, you get to rid your house of the extra food, and you can cook for your H the next day.

I've got an aunt and uncle who always want to cook for me when I visit, and they always try to give me a week's worth of leftovers. I just invite friends to have some, or invite my neighbors to share in it. Turn something you didn't want into an asset to forge stronger relationships with other people.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Kivlor said:


> I guess I'm odd compared to the rest of you, because if the shoe was on the other foot, and I had a MIL who wanted to feed my family 5 days a week I'd probably take it and not spend any money on food lol. Take the money I saved on food budget and use it on something fun with the W.
> 
> Then again, I came from a family that constantly had each other over for dinner, and whoever hosted always sent people home with a couple days worth of leftovers.
> 
> ...


Love this idea.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> I guess I'm odd compared to the rest of you, because if the shoe was on the other foot, and I had a MIL who wanted to feed my family 5 days a week I'd probably take it and not spend any money on food lol. Take the money I saved on food budget and use it on something fun with the W.
> 
> Then again, I came from a family that constantly had each other over for dinner, and whoever hosted always sent people home with a couple days worth of leftovers.
> 
> ...


Yah I was sort of going to suggest coming up with a creative solution that does not involve being combative with the MIL. If this is the only issue, try to find a way to accept it. I love your ideas.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Kivlor said:


> I guess I'm odd compared to the rest of you, because if the shoe was on the other foot,


My question though, why are you only wearing one shoe


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

I just can't advocate aggressively interdicting the MIL over her giving your family free food. That's... strange? to me. I can't even get my head around setting that as a "boundary". How does that work? *"If MIL gives us free stuff I'm going to _________!"*

It would come across to both the H and the MIL and anyone else in the gossip chain as petty, pugnacious, and perhaps unbalanced. 

I'll mention on the general note of dealing with In-Laws, I think it is incumbent on the spouse who is actually related to the In-Laws whom the couple are finding troublesome to be the face of the couple in any quarrels. If you try to come between your H and his mom and/or dad, you're liable to lose. However, if your H finds parents are trying to come between the two of you, they will be the ones in a hard place. Same for the W's parents--if H is seen as coming between her and her parents, they will work diligently to wreck the marriage. Don't put him in that position and don't let him put you in it either.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> My question though, why are you only wearing one shoe



They're terribly comfortable. I think everyone will be in the future :wink2:


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You have already stated that your MIL does not use sanitary precautions when cooking. Let your husband eat her crap and someday when he gets sick, he'll think twice about it. What you have is a MIL who is vying for her son's attention. In other words, she's competing with you. Let her know that you are saving so much money thanks to her that you are upgrading your lingerie to the really pricey stuff and your husband loves it.

Is he still on for hiring her as domestic help?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Kivlor said:


> I just can't advocate aggressively interdicting the MIL over her giving your family free food.





goodlife1 said:


> Hello everyone, and hope its a great day for you all! I am here seeking advice regarding a situation. My husband wants to hire my mother in law as domestic help and future nanny, so that I can work full time and make money up to my potential. Now it would sound good to most, except that in the past my husband "hired" my mother in law as our personal grocery and household items shopper and paid her for the cost of items and her service. I was fine with it to begin with. But very soon, realized that *hiring mother in law for household related needs gave her a ticket into judging our ways of running household, judging our day to day needs whether they sounded fair/reasonable to her judgment, and made her feel free to pile me with truck loads of advice without consideration to what else was going in my life, and expected me to comply with her advice.* In my view, it became interfering with how I run things in my home. She didn't see herself as an "employee" who was only hired to get us the things we needed. It became a huge source of stress for me, because her being my husband's mother made it difficult to communicate with my husband how difficult it made things for me. We ended up having lots of arguments. I managed to somehow gradually take the reigns of my household needs back into my hands. But she continues to be a source of stress to me. We are in a relatively new marriage. However, *my hubby used to spend almost whole weekends with her on a regular basis and then she would call him and ask him to dine with her on Monday as well*, AND send truckloads of food back to last us a week! This happened on a regular basis. Now, *I like to cook for my husband, run my own home, in nutshell I like to be the traditional wife who cares for his husband. But to me it seems like she wants to be his wife.* She was just not letting me have a home with my husband, where I buy things for home, cook for my husband, spend weekends together, etc.
> 
> Since then, *I have also found that she never washes her hands before handling food. She handles dog and pretty much anything and then would touch food straight with her hands*, I mean food otherwise cooked and ready for consumption. I don't mean touching spoons/forks, I mean touching the food itself.
> 
> ...


If giving them food was the only thing going on I might agree with you (although that would NEVER fly in my house) but it isn't.

I am very picky about what I eat and how it's prepared. There is no way that I would want another woman - ANY other woman - preparing all my food for me unless she was following very strict instructions as to how to do it and what to use in it.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

IT'S NO BIG DEAL. You have to go with the flow in marriage. His mom likes to cook, take some yoga or tennis classes with the extra time. 

A story. One day we have a dinner for about 15 people. My mother-in-law is cleaning the kitchen and doing the dishes, and my mom walks in. MIL says, that' all right, we don't need you here right now because this is my kitchen. A few minutes later, my mom tells me what happened. I tell her, if you want to do all the work it's be your kitchen. My mom thinks about it and smiled and says that's all right. My sweet MIL lived in my house for 4 years when she was ill and we had few problems. ,


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Those saying it's not a big deal, it can be a big deal to a woman that wants to cook for and take care of her man. I for one would not want to even have to compete with a man's mother. I think there is a sensible way about this but it's his job to talk to his mom and ask her to maybe dial it back to one meal a week, not 5. She could donate her food if it's a matter of doing a good deed.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Just wondering. Is your mother in law Italian? LOL She sound like my Italian mother (rest in peace). In her opinion everyone is hungry all the time and she insists on feeding you. You never left her house without eating something or she felt like a failure.


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## Cream2sugarsplz (Mar 28, 2016)

goodlife1 said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I have been having difficulty with my mother in law since the time we got married about 2 years ago, and I would appreciate any advice on how to deal with this. My mother in law, buys us tons of foods (veggies, fruits, random household items) on sale and gives to my hubby when he visits her every weekend. Not only that, she cooks enough dinners for 5 days and gives them to my hubby to take home. This has been going on since the beginning of our marriage.
> 
> ...


Wow, this is a tough one considering I'm in a similar situation, but I'm your husband in that case. 

At least it sounds like she's coming from a place of nurturing and not trying to intentionally spite you. Is he an only child or the only son by any chance? 

I think you need to you assert your role as the wife to HIM, and HE needs to convey that to his mother. Careful how he does so, though, as to not make it like you're the one who has a problem. He needs to man up and say that as much as you both appreciate it, you really look forward to taking care of things yourself and she's not giving you the opportunity to do so. 

Maybe you could start small - have her scale back to just a couple meals a week?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Where is your FIL?


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