# Help with seperated wife now seeing another man



## jimmac1977 (Mar 14, 2017)

Hi,

well my wife of 3 years told me back in December, she no longer loved me and told me it was over. It was a massive shock as we had just moved into our beautiful home a few weeks before hand. We have 2 young children 5 & 4. She wasnt willing to even attempt to sort things, she said it was already too late. Her reasons were that she felt unappreciated, taken for granted etc.

She moved out into rented accomodation in feb with the children. During this time there was another man who i know was interested in her, and started going round to see her occasionally and she started going over to his once a week whilst i had the kids., she informed me that he was purely a friend who she could talk to.

She told me 2 weeks ago that he has asked to move things forward as they get on well and wants to form a relationship with her. She said she wanted to think about it as she wasnt sure.

Anyway we had a long chat over the weekend during the kid swap, she basically said she is interested in seeing how things go with this man but wants to take it very slow. She has also said she has told this man that she wants to still go and have drinks with me and do family days out etc, apparantly he is fine with it.

We are also getting on well at the moment as its the first time we have been able to talk properly since all this started in December, for example she came round yesterday and spent nearly 2 hours talking about her and the kids and her issues in the rented accomodation.

I dont know what to do, part of me thinks I should tell her to go away but the other part of me thinks I should just let this fantasy relationship burn itself out and continue to build our relationship back up without pushing her away.

She says she really cares about me and wants me in her life but she just doesn't have the love feelings for me.

thanks


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

So your wife has a boyfriend, wants your permission to hang out with him, bring him around your kids and generally see if they are compatible?

All the while while you wait and hope the relationship burns out and she comes back to you after the hours and hours of sex they are probably having right now?

She bangs him but goes out for drinks with you and good old family time?

Sure agree to it. Makes sense.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

The chances are high that she had him in mind when she told you she "didn't feel appreciated" etc. And this was planned in advance. You are clearly Plan B and she wants to try things out with him.

You need to wake up from your dream and see things clearly. She is a liar and a cheater. Where did she meet this man first ? How long ago ? If you check you will find she has been in communications with him for some time and has probably already taken things further. Her talk is classical cheater script - "take it slow", "he's just a friend", "now wants to see where this can go" etc. They have been fvcking like rabbits (maybe even around your kids). You need to get a court order in place to say that no overnight stays and this man cannot be around your kids. Is this man married ? What do you know about him ?

She wants to keep you on the line as a form of uncontested support while she tries this guy out. If he doesn't work out then she can comfortably work on finding the next one.

This marriage cannot work while 

(a) she is fvcking another man;
(b) you two are separated;
(c) you are in la-la land and in infidelity;
(d) she faces no consequences for her actions.

This needs exposure - shedding light on it might slow it down or stop it. Then YOU need to decide if you really want to be around such a person let alone take her back.


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## jimmac1977 (Mar 14, 2017)

BobSimmons said:


> So your wife has a boyfriend, wants your permission to hang out with him, bring him around your kids and generally see if they are compatible?
> 
> All the while while you wait and hope the relationship burns out and she comes back to you after the hours and hours of sex they are probably having right now?
> 
> ...


no ive not agreed to it, ive told her i do not approve but she will do it anyway regardless of what i say. Ive also told her that she is not to do it around the children.

I dont know what else to do, the more i give her grief the more it pushes her away.

She has also told me she has not slept with him because she is not ready for that.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

jimmac1977 said:


> no ive not agreed to it, ive told her i do not approve but she will do it anyway regardless of what i say. Ive also told her that she is not to do it around the children.
> 
> I dont know what else to do, the more i give her grief the more it pushes her away.
> 
> She has also told me she has not slept with him because she is not ready for that.



How about she hold off until you are divorced, you get custody of the kids. And then she is free to do what she wants with who she wants.

She senses her plan B (you) is willing to wait in the background while she tests out her plan A.

She most likely has slept with him. And your kids probably get the feeling he is going to be their new daddy.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

jimmac1977 said:


> no ive not agreed to it, ive told her i do not approve but she will do it anyway regardless of what i say. Ive also told her that she is not to do it around the children.
> 
> I dont know what else to do, the more i give her grief the more it pushes her away.
> 
> She has also told me she has not slept with him because she is not ready for that.


You are her plan B. 

They see each other regularly and haven't slept together? Highly unlikely. Think about it, they are adults. What are they doing together, playing tiddlywinks? 

She fired you for another man. When you get fired unjustly, you walk away with what dignity you have, you don't beg for your job back or do work pro bono because you feel guilty.

Focus on being a great dad for your kids. If you know you were a less than stellar husband, work on your issues for the next woman in your life. But don't accept the excuses of a cheater, ever. They are many and hollow.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

jimmac1977 said:


> Hi,
> 
> well my wife of 3 years told me back in December, she no longer loved me and told me it was over. It was a massive shock as we had just moved into our beautiful home a few weeks before hand. We have 2 young children 5 & 4. She wasnt willing to even attempt to sort things, she said it was already too late. Her reasons were that she felt unappreciated, taken for granted etc.
> 
> ...


The reason she left you was that she felt unappreciated etc, you didnt care, letting her simply go have a boyfriend and still hang out with you is basically showing her exactly what she thought along. Any H who gives a damn about his wife will fight for her and refuse to be in such a situation, he will man up and lay down the gauntlet. Remember in the old days men fought duels to protect the honor of their wives, although this is modern times wives still want gallantry.

You may not think it but allowing this arrangement you appear weak in her eyes. You listen to the men on here but as a wife myself it is much better if you go no contact, do the 180 on her and visit a lawyer, show her that you are not going to simply sit by idly and let some other man move in on your territory. She is currently having her cake and eating it, you will not be able to nice her back into the marriage. 
Tell her that you were prepared to change, get counselling, etc but she has left you with no choice if she wants to hang out with other men, you will file divorce papers, go see a lawyer how to do this.
You do not have to go through with the divorce but it will give you more leverage, though intuitively it may appear not so. Tell her all contact from now on must be via email. Go work on yourself, go to the gym, join a health club, etc. Spend some time reflecting on whether there is any truth to your wife's claims and start working on yourself.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

aine is spot on. If you beg for her to come back, or even show her that "appreciation" she says she wants, you'll be that much more unattractive to her. If anything, you want her to see that you'll be fine without her. Show her the new you, in shape, well-dressed, and independent. 

But yes, you're in a tough spot. Filing for divorce might result in her coming back to you, but she might also choose to proceed with the divorce. In any case, you don't want to be in limbo for the next 5 years, where you're married and your wife has a boyfriend. That would be 5 years of misery. You should force her decision sooner rather than later.


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## jimmac1977 (Mar 14, 2017)

aine said:


> The reason she left you was that she felt unappreciated etc, you didnt care, letting her simply go have a boyfriend and still hang out with you is basically showing her exactly what she thought along. Any H who gives a damn about his wife will fight for her and refuse to be in such a situation, he will man up and lay down the gauntlet. Remember in the old days men fought duels to protect the honor of their wives, although this is modern times wives still want gallantry.
> 
> You may not think it but allowing this arrangement you appear weak in her eyes. You listen to the men on here but as a wife myself it is much better if you go no contact, do the 180 on her and visit a lawyer, show her that you are not going to simply sit by idly and let some other man move in on your territory. She is currently having her cake and eating it, you will not be able to nice her back into the marriage.
> Tell her that you were prepared to change, get counselling, etc but she has left you with no choice if she wants to hang out with other men, you will file divorce papers, go see a lawyer how to do this.
> You do not have to go through with the divorce but it will give you more leverage, though intuitively it may appear not so. Tell her all contact from now on must be via email. Go work on yourself, go to the gym, join a health club, etc. Spend some time reflecting on whether there is any truth to your wife's claims and start working on yourself.


yes i know you are all right. I think it was the part when she said she was asking for my approval that got me, she said she didn't want me to be having a go at her if she went into a relationship with him.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

OP need to start learning how to becoming man. she disrespected by seeking out and having sex with another man.?! how could even think about Being a friend to someone who cheated on you and broke up your family up... wow


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## turnthatpage (Apr 5, 2017)

jimmac1977 said:


> She says she really cares about me and wants me in her life but she just doesn't have the love feelings for me.
> 
> thanks


Don't know what to say. No love feelings, but she wants you in her life! How is it possible someone wants you in her life and doesn't love you. Pretty weird, isn't it? What I believe is, if there is no love, then how could you both live all together.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

"she started going over to his once a week whilst i had the kids"

This is much deeper and has been going on much longer than you were aware of.

She is just trying to give it an air of respectability.

You were replaced before you even knew it.

Tell her the truth, she gave up and started letting another man meet her needs. Tell her you will never accept it, and if she takes up with this man you will not be in her life, and you will never consider getting back together no matter what.

She has abandoned her family and her marriage.

Start detaching emotionally from her.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

jimmac1977 said:


> Hi,
> 
> well my wife of 3 years told me back in December, she no longer loved me and told me it was over. It was a massive shock as we had just moved into our beautiful home a few weeks before hand. We have 2 young children 5 & 4. She wasnt willing to even attempt to sort things, she said it was already too late. Her reasons were that she felt unappreciated, taken for granted etc.
> 
> ...


Jimmy

You are now in an open marriage. Your wife wants to play family", keep you around on a string, and also have a boyfriend, and does not even hide it. That is called polyamory. The longer you keep walking on eggshells, afraid to push her away, the worse it is going to get. You are ass deep in what is called the 'pick me" game, which rarely ends well for men who tolerate it.

First, I would not believe for an instant if she is seeing another adult man that it is not sexual. So stop hoping, and if it is not is sure will be shortly. So while you sit there waiting for the "fantasy' to burn itself out, which may not happen or take a long time, you will be playing "happy family' with her when she shows up after spending the night with another man. if that sounds OK, then stop reading.

If it does not, then get to a damm attorney, and tell her she can do what ever she wants but not as your wife and that you have no intention of remaining married and sharing her. You keep up on your current path, next thing will be she will want to move back home and keep her boyfriend.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

Read The 5 Love Languages. Try to figure out what she wants/is missing.

Contact the guy and demand he stop the shenanigans until you can work through this.

Tell her that "taking it slow" includes waiting to wrap up one relationship before taking up with another man.

Love on your children.

Love yourself.


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## jimmac1977 (Mar 14, 2017)

ive just called her and told her to either end it now or she will lose me. She said i was being controlling to make her choose and im no friend to her for doing it.

I said if she was a true friend should wouldn't of been going over to his house when she moved out after i had already told her that it was disrespectful.


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## jimmac1977 (Mar 14, 2017)

KrisAmiss said:


> Read The 5 Love Languages. Try to figure out what she wants/is missing.
> 
> Contact the guy and demand he stop the shenanigans until you can work through this.
> 
> ...


shes not interested in working anything out, this was the inital problem, she refused to work on anything and acting like a whirlwind moving out, no care for me or the children.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

jimmac1977 said:


> I dont know what to do, part of me thinks I should tell her to go away but the other part of me thinks I should just let this fantasy relationship burn itself out and continue* to build our relationship back up without pushing her away.
> 
> *
> 
> ...


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

jimmac1977 said:


> shes not interested in working anything out, this was the inital problem, she refused to work on anything and acting like a whirlwind moving out, no care for me or the children.


As I said above, there's nothing to build on.

Sorry.


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## jimmac1977 (Mar 14, 2017)

straightshooter said:


> Jimmy
> 
> You are now in an open marriage. Your wife wants to play family", keep you around on a string, and also have a boyfriend, and does not even hide it. That is called polyamory. The longer you keep walking on eggshells, afraid to push her away, the worse it is going to get. You are ass deep in what is called the 'pick me" game, which rarely ends well for men who tolerate it.
> 
> ...


my only issue with all this is its like forcing her to be with me. I just want her to be with me because she loves me but i realise that is another issue to work on.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

jimmac1977 said:


> my only issue with all this is its like forcing her to be with me. I just want her to be with me because she loves me but i realise that is another issue to work on.


It's the only issue.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

As her legal husband and the person she thinks of as a friend, you had every right to tell her to either stop dating or file for divorce. It's not controlling. You are merely establishing boundaries and letting her know that her actions have real life consequences. The consequence for dating while married is usually a divorce. That's reality.

Stop being her sounding board. You are NOT friends. She is your children's mother and co-parent. That's all. Talk to her about the kids and the business end of the divorce, nothing else. If she wants someone to whine and cry to, she can call her boyfriend. If she needs a light bulb changed, she can call her boyfriend. If she's had a rough day at work, she can call her boyfriend. If she hears a bump in the night...you get the idea. Let her see what life without you is like.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Sorry, but it's over. You need to accept that. 

However the marriage got to this point will be relevant later upon reflection, but it really makes no difference in handling your current situation. Your wife left you and is involved with another man. Had she valued the marriage more, she would have stayed with you to work on fixing it. The only way she is coming back to you is if she can't make it work with this guy and then you will spend the rest of your life wondering when she will step out again. That's no kind of life.

I would move forward with divorce. Let her do what she wants. Focus on making the best life you can for yourself and your kids. Once it is over, do the postmortem and figure out how you can better prevent this from happening to you again.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jimmac1977 said:


> no ive not agreed to it, ive told her i do not approve but she will do it anyway regardless of what i say. Ive also told her that she is not to do it around the children.
> 
> I dont know what else to do, the more i give her grief the more it pushes her away.
> 
> She has also told me she has not slept with him because she is not ready for that.


What happens when you push a rope?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

jimmac1977 said:


> She has also told me she has not slept with him today because she is not ready for that again so soon after the stretching he gave her last night..


I've added back in the words she most likely left out.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

When she calls you controlling, simply say this:

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

It keeps you from engaging.

File for divorce, have her served, and move on. Even if she did want to come back to you, her actions have shown tremendously poor character. People of poor character make for lousy spouses.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Originally Posted by straightshooter View Post
Jimmy

You are now in an open marriage. Your wife wants to play family", keep you around on a string, and also have a boyfriend, and does not even hide it. That is called polyamory. The longer you keep walking on eggshells, afraid to push her away, the worse it is going to get. You are ass deep in what is called the 'pick me" game, which rarely ends well for men who tolerate it.

First, I would not believe for an instant if she is seeing another adult man that it is not sexual. So stop hoping, and if it is not is sure will be shortly. So while you sit there waiting for the "fantasy' to burn itself out, which may not happen or take a long time, you will be playing "happy family' with her when she shows up after spending the night with another man. if that sounds OK, then stop reading.

If it does not, then get to a damm attorney, and tell her she can do what ever she wants but not as your wife and that you have no intention of remaining married and sharing her. You keep up on your current path, next thing will be she will want to move back home and keep her boyfriend.
*my only issue with all this is its like forcing her to be with me. I just want her to be with me because she loves me but i realise that is another issue to work on.*


Jimmie,

There is no other issue to work on. You are bogged down in denial. She DOES NOT love you or want to be with you. She wants to have a boyfriend and use you to provide her stability and family so that she incurs no real life consequences.

So once again, you have to decide if you want to live with infidelity or stay married regardless of the cost. Your response seems to indicate that you not accepting non monogamy is forcing her to do anything. It is you making a decision about your life. 

For your own benefit please stop believing everything she tells you. Adults of the opposite sex who date each other, when one of them is still married, are NOT platonic friends. If she had any respect for you she would tell you the truth. But she will not. Why??? Simple. She does not have to. You are so determined to let her control all of this with nothing negative that there is no incentive at all for her to alter her behavior.

You are in for one big crap sandwich unfortunately. Maybe you will snap out of it when she tells you or you find out about how much sex they are having that you are not getting. But it appears you will just put up with this until she unloads you. The forum will be here when that happens.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Hard 180 and file for divorce. She was and has been in an affair. The purpose of separation was to spend more time with him. Keeping you as plan B.

Friend = loyal, honest, trustworthy. She not friend material. Shes a cake eater.

Check your phone bill and you can see when this started.

She's been screwing him awhile. Cheaters lie, hide and deny a lot.

I hope you've fully awoken to what you're dealing with.

It sounds like she's been able to manipulate and control you in the past. Better stop it!!!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

> my only issue with all this is its like forcing her to be with me. I just want her to be with me because she loves me but i realise that is another issue to work on.


This marriage is over anyway end it. If she ever comes to her senses you can't start over. 

If you play the weak card you lose.

Strength is attractive. 

Many come here trying to nice them back or to weak to stand up for themselves at this time. These actions always make it worse.

Stand up and control your life if you're smart.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

jimmac1977 said:


> I don't know what to do, part of me thinks I should tell her to go away


This is your logical brain.



jimmac1977 said:


> but the other part of me thinks I should just let this fantasy relationship burn itself out and continue to build our relationship back up without pushing her away


And this is the damn fool side of your brain.



jimmac1977 said:


> She says she really cares about me and wants me in her life but she just doesn't have the love feelings for me.


Wake up man, she's literally telling you she wants to USE YOU. She's a classic cake eater except your getting the CRAP end of the stick.

The Chad whose sniffing around gets to bang her and then he gladly sends her off to you so you can play **** and be her emotional tampon.

Even the Chad is loving this deal!



jimmac1977 said:


> She has also said she has told this man that she wants to still go and have drinks with me and do family days out etc, apparantly he is fine with it.


Of course he's cool with it!!! He just wants to bang her, not buy her drinks and hang out with her whiney children. Are you going to pay for his condoms too?


BOTTOM LINE: CUT HER OFF IMMEDIATELY! STOP THE "FAMILY TIME" BULLCRAP. IMPLEMENT THE 180 IMMEDIATELY.

SET UP A CHILD SWAP ARRAINGEMENT SO YOU SPEND TIME WITH THEM SOLO AND TELL HER TO GO POUND SAND.

FULL STEAM AHEAD WITH THE DIVORCE. GET HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE ASAP. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS SELFISH TURD.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

How about, "I love you so much, honey that I would never do anything to stand in the way of your happiness. I will give you an amicable divorce as soon as possible so you can chase your dreams. Oh, leave the kids with me....you don't want the larvae slowing you down, and I'll keep the house as the responsibilities of it would simply hinder your happiness." 

Get out now before this becomes a "long-term marriage" in the eyes of the court and you get stuck paying the skank long-term alimony.

Or, you can waste a good portion of the rest of your life wishing and hoping and crying and quietly dying.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I would add, by the way honey, I infected you with a venereal disease. You've probably given it to your boyfriend by now. I dunno, could be chlamydia, could be AIDS. Have fun.

OP, detach from her, she is a manipulative lowlife. Instead, have your lawyer make the divorce intensely punitive. As much as you can, make her world very uncomfortable.


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

jimmac1977 said:


> I just want her to be with me because she loves me...


That ship sailed before you even signed onto this site. You burned the dock when you suddenly went all cowboy on her. 

She doesn't love you. She is looking for a replacement. I doubt you'll win her back. Just make the divorce easy on the kids.

Good luck. I know the feeling. My wife is still with me and we are together, but I know how it feels to lose her. Difference is, you get a do-over. Learn from this. Listen to what she says when she tells you why she fell out of love with you. Do the 180. Become a better person and a great dad. Improve YOUR life. She is no longer part of it. Sorry.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

OP Your only choice is to file for Divorce... do it today.!!!


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

Taxman said:


> I would add, by the way honey, I infected you with a venereal disease. You've probably given it to your boyfriend by now. I dunno, could be chlamydia, could be AIDS. Have fun.
> 
> OP, detach from her, she is a manipulative lowlife. Instead, have your lawyer make the divorce intensely punitive. As much as you can, make her world very uncomfortable.


That's right. Make the life of the mother of your children as miserable as you can. The mother that will be raising them 75% of the time. Let HER be the one to explain why life is so hard for them. 

You listened to the cowboys once already and it didn't really help, did it. It is all about You first, your kids a REALLY close second, a few other things THEN her. Screw her. You F'd up too. Pay her off, move on, and live YOUR life for YOU.

Your greatest revenge will be to forget all about her.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jimmac1977 said:


> ive just called her and told her to either end it now or she will lose me. She said i was being controlling to make her choose and im no friend to her for doing it.
> 
> I said if she was a true friend should wouldn't of been going over to his house when she moved out after i had already told her that it was disrespectful.


Once your wife wants to start dating, it's safe to assume the marriage is over.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

everyone here is right.

and you know why? because they've either been through it or seen it happen many times.

it's up to you to get this. the sooner you do, the better chance you have of salvaging your dignity, your future, and your relationship with your kids.

she's treating you like yesterdays' garbage. it's hard, really hard. believe me, i know. but don't let the harsh sounding advice belie the truth that they are telling you.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Welcome to the forum, and I am so sorry for you and your kids that you find yourself here. It's heartbreaking. 

Many of my fellow posters have referred to the 180. When I first came here I didn't know what all the different terminology meant, and this is imperative to your situation, so do take the time to read about it and educate yourself. In short, it means you are going to act the exact opposite of what you are doing now.

Sadly, with most women, by the time they have gotten to this point they are truly done. There is not much you can do to prevent it from ending anymore. Generally, she would have been telling you for quite some time the things that were making her feel so unhappy and unappreciated. And again, generally you would have said, "I'll do better!" and would try for a week or two, then fall back into your old habits, on and on to the point that she gave up. She gave up to such a high level she even moved out of her brand new house. Of course, I am massively generalizing, but maybe you hear yourself somewhere in that description. IF YOU DO, please take this experience and learn from it. You are most likely a very good man. That's why she married you. By learning from this, you won't make the same mistake with your second wife, and you will save yourself a lot of heartache and her too!

During this difficult time, spend as much quality time with your kids as you can. Sleep well. Eat well. Drink plenty of water. Exercise. It's easy to fall into drinking beer and eating junk food and being miserable. That gets you no where but a fatter frump that is even more miserable. Start bettering yourself TODAY. I wish you lots of happiness in the future.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

*You listened to the cowboys once already and it didn't really help, did it. It is all about You first, your kids a REALLY close second, a few other things THEN her. Screw her. You F'd up too. Pay her off, move on, and live YOUR life for YOU.
*

What a bunch of hogwash. 

yeah Jimmie, you screwed up. You refused to suck it all up and let your wife try out her boyfriend while you babysit simply because she is the mother of your kids. How about her respecting that you are the father of her children. 

This woman dropped a bomb on you. You own 50% of the marital problems but she owns 100% of her little affair she is having and you DO NOT accept any responsibility for that. And she basically has told you that you are being a meany for not playing patsy. So if you are smart you will listen to the cowboys because if you do not want to be a cowboy your choice is to be a 'cuckold" who puts up with his wife screwing other men while playing Mr. Happy Family.

us cowboysd want you to make whatever choice you make by making it clear to her that she does not make the choice, you do.

And as far as the stupid comment about how its working out, I ask how its working out putting up with it. if it was working out great that way you never would have started this thread.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

jimmac1977 said:


> my only issue with all this is its like forcing her to be with me. I just want her to be with me because she loves me but i realise that is another issue to work on.


Jim, your last few comments tell me you are starting to make good progress. Here are a few points worth noting (nearly all of them already made by others):



There are two issues you have to deal with. The first is busting the infidelity and getting yourself out of infidelity. The second is to see if there is anything there worth salvaging (AFTER getting out of infidelity). There is a possibility that once the infidelity is busted the second falls into place one way or another.


She is not your friend. At this moment she is three things (not one of them being your friend): she is your legal wife; she is the mother of your children; she is a lying, cheating, disrespectful person. You can only lay down boundaries with regard to the first two - she cannot continue to behave in the way she is currently doing because it is harmful to you (her husband) and your children. She has to improve herself with regard to the third person she is. 


Because of the third person she is, you cannot trust or believe anything she says so she has to prove everything. She has to prove no contact to you, she has to prove transparency and honesty to you etc.


Once she is truly out of infidelity then you two need to consider whether you want to stay together. If she wants to leave then just let her go and focus on your kids and yourself.


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## jimmac1977 (Mar 14, 2017)

guys,

thanks so much for the honst answers and support. i think this is the kind of thing i need to hear as she is clearly a selfish person. Shes even today said shes afriad of me because what i could be capable of.

The truth is, its just a cop out because im hurting her by telling her a few home truths and she cant accept it. BTW im in no way abusive or ever have been.

Ive already told her countless times that I understood my issues and where I went wrong the marriage, ive had a lot of time to reflect on it, however the only thing she has said she could of done better was to communicate with me. She never really said much about what the issues were until the end. I can tell you though she has always been an argumentative person, gave me crap about silly things and always played the victim card.

Just so you know, im from the UK and our rules on divorce are different here. To divorce we have to go through steps first such as marriage counciling before they will even consider it, its also very costly.

thanks


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You're not forcing her to do anything. You're sticking by your boundaries.
You are giving her a clear choice. Either she chooses you and the marriage, or she chooses to be a divorced woman. There's no going half way and there's no grey area here.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

jimmac1977 said:


> Just so you know, im from the UK and our rules on divorce are different here. To divorce we have to go through steps first such as marriage counciling before they will even consider it, its also very costly.
> 
> thanks


I was married to a man in the UK and was able to divorce quite easily and quickly from across the pond. You can divorce quickly citing unreasonable behaviour as long as she does not contest the divorce or your reasons.

I also don't remember it costing me more than about £1,200 when all was said and done. That's a bargain compared to a divorce in the US.

I would secure a solicitor and find out the facts on your options.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

Sorry you are here. What a horrible situation. My best advice is to find someone hotter. Then see how much she wants you all to hang out. You could tell her that you want to find someone yourself before you start doing any group activities, I think this is more than fair.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

jimmac1977 said:


> no ive not agreed to it, ive told her i do not approve but she will do it anyway regardless of what i say. Ive also told her that she is not to do it around the children.
> 
> I dont know what else to do, the more i give her grief the more it pushes her away.
> 
> She has also told me she has not slept with him because she is not ready for that.


I am so sorry you're here. What your wife has done to you is abhorrent. You do know she lied to you about why she moved out, right? She had it all planned, and told you what she knew you'd swallow.

My advice is to start divorce proceedings, and get as much custody as you can of the kids.

Oh, and get tested for STD's.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Spicy said:


> Sadly, with most women, by the time they have gotten to this point they are truly done. There is not much you can do to prevent it from ending anymore. Generally, she would have been telling you for quite some time the things that were making her feel so unhappy and unappreciated. And again, generally you would have said, "I'll do better!" and would try for a week or two, then fall back into your old habits, on and on to the point that she gave up. She gave up to such a high level she even moved out of her brand new house. Of course, I am massively generalizing, but maybe you hear yourself somewhere in that description.


This is a great paragraph and don't sell yourself short by calling it a generalization. Sure its a macro level assessment but it speaks volumes to the dynamic of countless miserable marriages on TAM and everywhere else. It certainly sounds very much like my old situation with my ex-wife and I learned a lot from it. I learned the next time a woman I am dating or married to comes at me with "unhappy and unappreciated" that I'm going to dump her like a hot potato. That its already too late and I've been duped. That I wasn't put on this earth to fill in the voids of another person's insecurities. That happiness comes from within and if she can't find a purpose in life or even a hobby to keep herself entertained than I'm not going to waste another minute of my life dancing like a puppet while she inevitably checks out anyway due to her own personal issues, lack of self accountability and/or poor choices.

Walk OP. Plenty of fish in the sea. You're not even 40 yet. DON'T WASTE another minute on this LOSER that could be better spend finding a QUALITY woman. Real women don't "need a man" to be happy or to shower them in compliments. Quality women are strong, independent and look for a PARTNER to share their lives with not to become codependent on.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

jimmac1977 said:


> ive just called her and told her to either end it now or she will lose me. She said i was being controlling to make her choose and im no friend to her for doing it.
> 
> I said if she was a true friend should wouldn't of been going over to his house when she moved out after i had already told her that it was disrespectful.





jimmac1977 said:


> shes not interested in working anything out, this was the inital problem, she refused to work on anything and acting like a whirlwind moving out, no care for me or the children.





jimmac1977 said:


> my only issue with all this is its like forcing her to be with me. I just want her to be with me because she loves me but i realise that is another issue to work on.


This is a good start but there has to be follow through!

When a woman lets a man meet her needs she will fall in love with him. (and sex will follow shortly, trust me, it's likely already happening at this point)

The guy could be a player, or just a guy who picked your needy wife to give attention to, either way the attraction was enough for her to let him in.

You may have only been meeting 75-95% of your wife's needs, this guy likely picked up that 25-5% of those needs and won her heart.

She is now addicted to him. (Brain chemistry.) 

She wants to keep you for the 75-95%, and ride the love feelings with this guy to see if he will pick up your share.

This is not cognitive it's biology.

Only by letting her experience the consequences of her actions is there any hope of her realizing what she stands to lose.

She is thinking with her "love feelings", you want her to re-engage her frontal lobes.

At that point if there is any chance her love and shame will come flowing back in. So you will not be coercing her, only helping her make a thoughtful decision. Hopefully one less damaging and destructive.

At that point you will have to honestly own your failure in the relationship.

There is no excuse for cheating (which I am sure has been happening on some level with this guy perviously), but you are responsibility for at least 50% of the failure in the relationship. That is likely what made her open to the advances of another man, and was the impetus for the separation so she could give this guy a chance.

You can be honest with her now as you allow the consequence to start.

Do this without trying to win her back. If you chase, beg, plead, it will make you look desperate, week, needy, and unattractive, she does not want to be marries to a basket case but a real man.

This is the spirit of what I mean, "I realize you have probably given your heart to another man, and it's likely to late for us, but I see now that I was not there for you the way you needed me, and it caused you some genuine suffering. I want you to know that I am genuinely sorry for that and it will be one of the biggest regrets of my life, someday I hope you can forgive me."

This next part is VERY important, "I am sad because now that it's gotten to the point that you are taking up with another man, I know I will not ever be able to come back from that and we will never be together. Other than what is necessary for the children we will not be having any interaction going forward."

(She is going to think you are being an A$$hole BTW).

You have to do a hard stop on meeting any of her needs beyond what the law would require in a divorce.

She needs to know NOW what she is choosing!! Do not be shamed by her based on your children, she is already taking actions now that wil negatively affect your kids more than anything you are doing in the short term.

Be there for your kids, but don't enable the affair.

Keep all conversations short, and kid or divorce related. Except for the above recommendations, you may have to gently lead a conversation to that point. Do it in person and look her in the eyes when you do. Its ok to show some pain. Many waywards say they realized how much their spouse loved them when they saw the pain their affair caused them.

Call it what it is, "an affair" and don't let her bully you out of that.

Take some of these steps, and more help will come.




TheRealMcCoy said:


> That ship sailed before you even signed onto this site. You burned the dock when you suddenly went all cowboy on her.
> 
> She doesn't love you. She is looking for a replacement. I doubt you'll win her back. Just make the divorce easy on the kids.
> 
> Good luck. I know the feeling. My wife is still with me and we are together, but I know how it feels to lose her. Difference is, you get a do-over. Learn from this. Listen to what she says when she tells you why she fell out of love with you. Do the 180. Become a better person and a great dad. Improve YOUR life. She is no longer part of it. Sorry.





TheRealMcCoy said:


> That's right. Make the life of the mother of your children as miserable as you can. The mother that will be raising them 75% of the time. Let HER be the one to explain why life is so hard for them.
> 
> You listened to the cowboys once already and it didn't really help, did it. It is all about You first, your kids a REALLY close second, a few other things THEN her. Screw her. You F'd up too. Pay her off, move on, and live YOUR life for YOU.
> 
> Your greatest revenge will be to forget all about her.


Jimmac,

I have seen time and again, how the combined wisdom of TAM genuinely guides very needy people.

Notice the disposition of this poster above.
He is insulting, and disparaging.
I have seen him in here doing the same thing on other threads.

I don't know what he has to offer but I don't trust his motives or agenda.

Weigh what he says very carefully, before you take it to heart.

I really wish you well.
Take care.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

jimmac1977 said:


> guys,
> 
> thanks so much for the honst answers and support. i think this is the kind of thing i need to hear as she is clearly a selfish person. Shes even today said shes afriad of me because what i could be capable of.
> 
> ...


Jimmie

The rules of divorce are different everywhere. What is not different is that you do not have to accept another man having sex with your wife. That is your decision and where there is a will there is a way.

You need to get yourself to a solicitor immediately and stop trying to "figure it out". There is another saying and it is "believe what they say"

She has flat out told you she wants to keep you dangling while she tries out herd boyfriend. 

That is n to acceptable no matter where you live or what the laws are. Now get the professional advice you need and stop chasing the illusion that she is. Not actively in an affair.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Usually I try to read through a thread to see what has been said to avoid redundancy but in this case I could not refrain from writing and if it is redundant then good, it needs to be said again. Is your wife mentally handicapped? Is she perhaps deaf and cannot hear the words that are coming out of her own mouth? "I want to pursue a relationship with him but I want to take it slow" Did you ask her exactly what the accepted pace should be for a MARRIED WOMAN WITH A FAMILY to proceed with an extramarital relationship??? "You're being controlling"!!! A married man demanding that his wife not date/sleep with another man is controlling??? "I told him that I still want to meet you for drinks and do family stuff and he's okay with that"??????????????????????????????????????????????? Are these people 4 years old?

I have seen immaturity displayed here before but this is about as extreme a case as I have seen. I am sure that I can hear Rod Serling's voice.

Vent over, now back to logic. OP, your wife is not in reality regarding life, marriage and how families work, she hasn't a clue of understanding. She felt unappreciated, so may I ask how appreciated you feel about her decision to date this man? Is she the only one allowed to feel unappreciated? She hasn't the ability to grasp certain concepts that you and I understand such as honor, integrity, dedication and commitment. Her mind is not developed enough to be in a mature relationship and if you have any desire to stay in this arrangement then you will have to assume the role of pseudo-parent. You will have to establish rules for her to follow just as you do for your children.

The problem comes when she decides that the threat of losing you is not sufficient "punishment" to cause restraint on her part. At that point you will lose control over her. Also possible is that she will pursue her extramarital relationship(s) more covertly. Either way there is a high degree of probability that you will lose her. For her to remain in the arrangement long term merely on the threat of loss is highly unlikely. I regret to inform you that the reality is that your marriage is over unless you are willing to accept her "boyfriend"(s) as a part of it which, for me at least, would mean it's over anyway.


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

Decorum said:


> I don't know what he has to offer but I don't trust his motives or agenda.




Sorry. I'll be nice. 

I'm afraid your wife doesn't love you any more. Lick your wounds and move on. Seeking revenge through divorce proceedings is one of the worst ideas I have ever heard. It is your childrens life we're talking about. Play nice and enjoy the new life you need to make for yourself.

Better? All nice-nice?


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

And take ownership of YOUR part of the fault in the marriage falling apart. Acceptance of THAT will help you in future relationships.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

TheRealMcCoy said:


> Sorry. I'll be nice.
> 
> I'm afraid your wife doesn't love you any more. Lick your wounds and move on. Seeking revenge through divorce proceedings is one of the worst ideas I have ever heard. It is your childrens life we're talking about. Play nice and enjoy the new life you need to make for yourself.
> 
> Better? All nice-nice?


Seeking revenge is never called for IMO.

I appreciate your reply.

If she lost attraction and respect then it does not look good.

If she is being selfish as a result of resentment (for neglect), believing he no longer loves her than I think there is more hope.

I have seen both turn around.

Op has both our perspectives, so he will make his call, of course.

I would not blame him at all for moving on, especially now that another man is involved, but I don't think he is there yet.

Regards.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

So, have you looked up solicitors in your area yet?

Chop, chop now and don't delay because if you do, they are just excuses. 

Move on like she obviously has for some time now. Focus on your new found freedom and being the best dad you can be for your kids. She is just the mother of your kids and is not even your family anymore. 

She will never be your friend because she fired you from being her husband. A wife that fires her husband is not friends material, it's XW material plain and simple.

If you are still reading, get the phone book or get online and start asking for free initial consultations!


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

To introduce myself, I was never cheated on that I know of (nor care any more). The unique perspective I bring to the table is the vivid memory of the moment my life went from 60-0 in the blink of an eye when I figured out my wife doesn't love me any more, hadn't for a while and...wait for it...NEVER WILL AGAIN. 

And I'm not talking about the "it's not you it's me" ILYBINILWY speech where you don't know what the frig is going on. I'm talking about the woman I planned on raising grandchildren with and doing all kinds of cool things in retirement with wasn't who I thought she was. She slipped up and said something she shouldn't have. There was no vagueness. It was crystal clear. As I read these threads, I wonder how many of these men have no clue that their wives don't love them. Are surely embarrassed by them. Probably disgusted with them. And they have no clue because "otherwise, everything's great". 

I'm the "she doesn't love you any more" equivalent of the "she's cheating" crowd I rail against so often. But 9 times out of 10, if she loved you, she wouldn't be cheating in the first place. So they need to hear from me regardless.

Good luck OP. Young children, so I presume you are young. You get a do-over. I envy you.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Please please please listen to Straghtshooter. He's spot-on as usual.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you need to very formally and very officially start to protect yourself.

She has shifted her allegiance to another man and you are in the way. She wants you to put up and shut up. Otherwise, you are just an annoying obstacle to her driving need to be with the OM. She doesn't want to talk to you about your marriage - she just wants you to play nice so that you can take your new position in her life as the background noise.

Please protect your future. Stop engaging her. Get the divorce going and be on high alert for 'shocking, uncharacteristic' behavior from her, like charging you with domestic violence. She says that you frighten her now and are controlling. If she had you up on DV charges, you would be handily out of the way. Find out what the laws are there for recording your interactions. If you can't record, then restrict your communication to text/email and only talk to her in person if a third party can be present.

She's been manipulating you and setting you up through all of this and I worry that it's about to get worse.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I suggest you ponder and equivocate and sulk and hope you win her heart back by allowing her to enjoy new sex with other men. Then continue to beat yourself up and take all the blame for her selfish behavior. Then cry when you talk to her and let her call you jealous and controlling, and be sure to agree. Carry this on for a few years using the excuse that in the U.K. you can't just divorce. Be sure to also justify inaction with vague concerns about what it might possibly cost. Finally, make absolutely certain you blame the kids for staying, because if you leave they'll learn self respect - wait, I mean they'll be shattered for life.

I suspect you have what it takes to succeed at this plan 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> I learned the next time a woman I am dating or married to comes at me with "unhappy and unappreciated" that I'm going to dump her like a hot potato. That its already too late and I've been duped. That I wasn't put on this earth to fill in the voids of another person's insecurities. That happiness comes from within and if she can't find a purpose in life or even a hobby to keep herself entertained than I'm not going to waste another minute of my life dancing like a puppet while she inevitably checks out anyway due to her own personal issues, lack of self accountability and/or poor choices.


I'm curious now. Are you saying that you definitely would never cause a woman you are with to be sad? Or have feelings that you are not appreciating her? If so, you are a MUCH better person that me. Not many of us could say we will never affect others negatively with our actions and/or attitudes. Even though I don't mean to, I know I do things occasaionally to make my husband feel sad, and he does likewise to me. We don't let it build up though. 

Case in point: Just this morning I was pretty much SURE he had done something that hurt me, and made me feel like I wasn't important to him. I sat in the front room and stewed about it until he woke up. When he came out and said good morning and how are you, I told him I was hurt. I then explained why. Come to find out, I had misheard what he had said to me hours earlier, and there was absolutely nothing to be hurt by. Now, if I would have followed my natural instinct/personality and just shoved it aside rather than discuss it, then there it could end up, in a pile of hurt a mile high years down the road, with who knows how much of it not even being valid. Instead, I have learned from experience to deal with things as they come up, and solve them quickly and then not think about them anymore. 

So in regard to your statements above- IF a woman you were with started to feel that way, (that you were making her very unhappy or that she was feeling unappreciated by you) what should she do? If I am understanding what you are saying, she should not be open with you and discuss how she is feeling. If she did, you would dump her. Instead, should she keep her mouth shut, and tell herself to stop being insecure, and find her inner happiness? Or alternatively should she just "drop you like a hot potato" since telling you how she feels is off the table? I really would love to understand your viewpoint on this.

We each only have our own experiences to go by. To me, communication is the backbone of strong relationships. If you are finding women who will *never* feel unhappy or unappreciated I would wonder how sincere they would be in having a LTR where they truly love you and are emotionally invested in you and your relationship. I say this because no relationship is anywhere near perfect. Merited or not, those emotions arise for almost all people who are serious about their commitments. From my experience the ones that don't care at all, seem to just be dating for sport.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

jimmac1977 said:


> guys,
> 
> thanks so much for the honst answers and support. i think this is the kind of thing i need to hear as she is clearly a selfish person. Shes even today said shes afriad of me because what i could be capable of.
> 
> ...



Divorce sucks everywhere and always costs money. But you know what costs more? Being miserable for a long long time. File now. Immediately. You buy a new house and 2 weeks later she is re-writing the marriage. She was so unhappy while the new mortgage was being signed. Use your head. Read your own words. She is cheating and trying to get you to play along as plan B. Just file asap. Do the 180, take care of yourself and your kids, and when she starts playing emotional games just stay detached.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jimmac1977 said:


> shes not interested in working anything out, this was the inital problem, she refused to work on anything and acting like a whirlwind moving out, no care for me or the children.


This is who she is, a spoiled child.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jimmac1977 said:


> ive just called her and told her to either end it now or she will lose me. She said i was being controlling to make her choose and im no friend to her for doing it.
> 
> I said if she was a true friend should wouldn't of been going over to his house when she moved out after i had already told her that it was disrespectful.


It is not controlling to have her act like a married woman.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jimmac1977 said:


> guys,
> 
> thanks so much for the honst answers and support. i think this is the kind of thing i need to hear as she is clearly a selfish person. Shes even today said shes afriad of me because what i could be capable of.
> 
> ...


There is another chap from the U.K. In here that is about to wrap his up. He did not go to counseling.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

straightshooter said:


> Originally Posted by straightshooter View Post
> Jimmy
> 
> You are now in an open marriage. Your wife wants to play family", keep you around on a string, and also have a boyfriend, and does not even hide it. That is called polyamory. The longer you keep walking on eggshells, afraid to push her away, the worse it is going to get. You are ass deep in what is called the 'pick me" game, which rarely ends well for men who tolerate it.
> ...


:iagree::iagree: she is now the enemy, act accordingly. Friends do not rub your face in it when you are down. Boundaries/trenches need to be made, lawyer appointed, Jimmy you have to pick yourself up and be a man. No contact, 180 full speed, email communication only, lawyer up and protect yourself. When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them. Looks like you still don't believe what she is capable of.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just want to tell you that I agree.

Your wife is an obvious cheat and not only are you tolerating it, you're enabling it. Your wife sees you as a weak man because you let this happen. You have no chance with her. Pursuing her pushes her further away. You should not want her after this. She's a total freaking liar about not having sex with this *********, and you are letting your emotions blind you to that. They ALL lie about the sex. Every single one of them.

Divorce and move on. Your only option for happiness. It's also the only option that might lead to ".reconciliation", but you need to divorce and move on. Only then can you decide if she is actually worth reconciling with, and only then will she be shaken up enough to see what she's lost and possibly want it.
Divorce is the only answer to what this woman is doing to you. It's the cruelest thing inaginable to do to ones husband, other than screwing a man right in front of them. I think in your traumatized state of mind, you'd even let her do that.

You have no choice. You've got to steel yourself and do the hard thing. File. Ms move on.


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## jimmac1977 (Mar 14, 2017)

Hi all,

thanks so much for the replies. Since i told her to get lost shes now ignoring me, I txt her just to ask is she had picked the kids up from school as it was normally my turn, she didn't reply but later i had one say yes she had picked them up, too late then, i didn't reply back.

Ive accepted she has most likely slept with this joke of a man on several occasions, the more I think about of whereabouts at certain points in time over the past few months it all adds up. 

When doing the 180, how should i be with her when we do the kids swap? I see her twice in the week and once at the weekends. Also should dating be considered should the oppurtunity arise?

thanks


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## jimmac1977 (Mar 14, 2017)

Sparta said:


> OP need to start learning how to becoming man. she disrespected by seeking out and having sex with another man.?! how could even think about Being a friend to someone who cheated on you and broke up your family up... wow


my head in a cloud, not now


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

She is dating. 

Start the divorce process and start healing.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Have you made it clear to her that the POSOM is not to be around your kids ? This is really important that she understands how you are treating this - as an outright case of infidelity and not like she wants to make it seem (i.e. it only started after we split up).


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## jimmac1977 (Mar 14, 2017)

manfromlamancha said:


> Have you made it clear to her that the POSOM is not to be around your kids ? This is really important that she understands how you are treating this - as an outright case of infidelity and not like she wants to make it seem (i.e. it only started after we split up).


yes several times because the children asked if this man was the new daddy at rented house. She has reduced it, however despite agreeing to cut it out she has still been doing it.

I lost my temper with her because she had the cheek to go out on a picnic with him and the kids which was when i put my foot down.

BTW for those that asked, im 37, shes 32.

thanks


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

jimmac1977 said:


> yes several times because the children asked if this man was the new daddy at rented house. She has reduced it, however despite agreeing to cut it out she has still been doing it.
> 
> I lost my temper with her because she had the cheek to go out on a picnic with him and the kids which was when i put my foot down.
> 
> ...


Then you need to take legal action to prevent this from happening. You cannot expect this to happen indefinitely (unless he has a criminal record or something) but certainly enforceable until divorce is final. Have you consulted a lawyer?


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## jimmac1977 (Mar 14, 2017)

no not yet, im looking up the info about it whilst we speak.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

jimmac1977 said:


> no not yet, im looking up the info about it whilst we speak.




Maybe do a criminal background check on him too - they're cheap and easy in the US but I don't know about where you live. Anything bad might lend support for an order to keep him from the kids - but at any rate will provide peace of mind if there's nothing 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

jimmac1977 said:


> no not yet, im looking up the info about it whilst we speak.


Good - you REALLY need a lawyer.

You also need to get STD tested.

Stay strong. If the POSOM dumps her, she WILL come crawling back. Have a plan for that.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

jimmac1977 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> thanks so much for the replies. Since i told her to get lost shes now ignoring me, I txt her just to ask is she had picked the kids up from school as it was normally my turn, she didn't reply but later i had one say yes she had picked them up, too late then, i didn't reply back.
> 
> ...


When you swap your kids just always keep in mind they will remember everything that occurs so just be polite and civil. But she is not your friend anymore. No small talk. Just concerning the logistics of co-parenting. A friend doesn't lie to you and dump you with no warning. But she is still the mother of your children and must be treated as such for your children's sake. As far as dating if your goal is revenge then no. Don't be like her. At least have a formal separation first. Have you contacted a solicitor yet?


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Hope1964 said:


> Good - you REALLY need a lawyer.
> 
> You also need to get STD tested.
> 
> Stay strong. If *When the POSOM dumps her, she WILL come crawling back. Have a plan for that.*


*

Fixed that for you*


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Just let her go. Dont be her friend. Only speak with her regarding your children.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Research unreasonable behaviour and talk to a solicitor.

https://www.justdivorce.co.uk/unreasonable-behaviour


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

jimmac1977 said:


> no ive not agreed to it, ive told her i do not approve but she will do it anyway regardless of what i say. Ive also told her that she is not to do it around the children.
> 
> I dont know what else to do, the more i give her grief the more it pushes her away.
> 
> She has also told me she has not slept with him because she is not ready for that.


She asked the other guy if he would mind her spending some family time with you. That is one of numerous clues that she has already slept with him many times. It is extremely likely that she already slept with him before she told you that she wants to separate from you. 

Jimmac, even if she agreed to come back to you, you would never be happy again knowing that your wife was never truly remorseful for cheating on you. Are you more valuable than being someone's backup plan?


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## xxxSHxYZxxx (Apr 1, 2013)

So basically she waits for you guys to get a nice house then tells you she doesn't want to be with you. Sounds planned. Now she can get rid of you keep the house which you will have to still help pay for and she can screw other guys. Sounds like she's taken advantage of you. See a lawyer asap and try and convince her to sell the house. She's leading you on as a back up in case she can't find someone she considers better than you. 

Sent from my SM-G928T using Tapatalk


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

If she left the house and lives in an apartment, then you may be able to sell the house and live somewhere smaller where you and your kids can stay for a cheaper rate. You don't need a house now that you will be divorcing. You may have to split what you sell it for if you end up making a profit, but it may be worth it if you get rid of the high expense of a new house.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jimmac1977 said:


> *My only issue with all this is its like forcing her to be with me. * I just want her to be with me because she loves me but i realise that is another issue to work on.


NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

*She forced you. 
*
She twisted your mind. She twisted your faithful arm around so many times it snapped off. Only your long sleeve shirt holds it in place.

There is *NO G.D. issue to work on*. She is gone. She took your marriage vows and pawned them for a pittance.

POSOM has sunk his to two-cents in that pittance...about six inches down.

Men do not sit idly by while some married women makes up her mind whose bed her head will rest on...... on and on she lies.

She is in the Fog of Betrayers. The dense soup has no entrance or exit. She will come out of the fog when IT leaves her bewildered; her lying ass exposed.

If I were YOU, *I would freakin' LEAP out of my chair with anger.* And end all contact with this cold clammy ghost of a wife.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

jimmac1977 said:


> yes several times because the children asked if this man was the new daddy at rented house. She has reduced it, however despite agreeing to cut it out she has still been doing it.
> 
> I lost my temper with her because she had the cheek to go out on a picnic with him and the kids which was when i put my foot down.
> 
> ...


Have you exposed her to family and friends, do so now, hold her accountable, do not hide this or cover for her.
Is this man married or engaged? If so expose him too.

have you seen a lawyer yet, you need to do so yesterday to protect yourself


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

jimmac1977 said:


> When doing the 180, how should i be with her when we do the kids swap?


First, accept the fact that she is not your wife long before you see her. And please god accept that she has slept with him. A LOT. They're adults. After that:

"Hey 'Cindy', you look good. Here's the plan/how'd it go with the kids? Great. Glad things are going well over there. We need to do our best to make this easy on them. Anyhow, gotta' go. Plans with friends tonight. Again, you look terrific. Later."

You are a new man. You've accepted it's over. You're starting to act like a man with more than a tiny shred of dignity. You are moving on and happy.




jimmac1977 said:


> Also should dating be considered should the oppurtunity arise?


No. But gettin' some strange or FWB will do WONDERS for you. 

Even if she's NOT gone, why would you want her back anyhow?


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

aine said:


> Have you exposed her to family and friends



It will get awkward once he's forced to admit he gave her permission to date.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> It is extremely likely that she already slept with him before she told you that she wants to separate from you.


I have a vision. 

For some it will be hard to envision. Please try.

The closest you can get to a women is when both of you are totally naked.

Naked....

Facing each other, holding each other...wait there is more.
.............................................................................................................................................

Holding each other, touching with your lips, you legs entwined, arms wrapped around each other's torso. 

The final closeness comes [!] when your penis is also inside her, as far as it will go.
Your tongue, inside her mouth as far as it will go.
Your mind, her mind inside each other's head.

Your wet tears... of love and joy mingling at the split line of your joined faces.
............................................................................................................................................

You are still [in your mind] assuming this flesh-to-flesh prone position. You are doing this alone.
But it is only a memory...now.
............................................................................................................................................

Your wife?

She has drifted forward. Drifted away from you, in her naked prone position. She is now in the arms of another man.

You are still laying in your bed. 
She has drifted through fog laden air, into another mans bed, into another man's embrace.

His body, his tongue and his penis has replaced yours.
............................................................................................................................................

Ad Finitum 

Divorce...find a new love who will hold firm. Hold firm against you and with you, forever and a day.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> His body, his tongue and his penis has replaced yours.


Your posts have become quite entertaining to read as of late.

Like 2x4s with class! I eagerly look forward to your next entry.


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## jimmac1977 (Mar 14, 2017)

quite a lot of posts to reply to so I will try to generalize.

He is single, 40, no kids and lives on his own. She has the children 6 nights a week, she has one night to herself either a friday or a saturday. She lives down the road from me so i know if hes there or not, ive not seen his car there for a few weeks.

Last weekend, the night she could of gone over, she was with me asking this stupid crap about permission to go with him. She then later went to a mutal friends house (female and male) and was dropped back late, I know because i dropped her off there and she couldn't drive due to drinking too much.

The house is compliated, I dont have the money to sell immediately, it is in both our names and joint mortgage so she is much responsible as I am.

I get all the comments about how many times they have slept together, im out of that fog now. 

Since i started the 180 2 days ago, we have not talked at all, even last night when she collected the kids, she did not speak one word to me however i did say hello to be polite.

Im no longer going to be her go to when she is complaining about her immune disease or anything, I will keep it purely about the children.

I can see that the whole affair is fantasy, theres no way he would commit to selling his house to live with her and the kids, shes an idiot.

I am in talks with my parents about the next steps to moving forward, the house and divorce.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Look up and study the definition of the word "skank" in Webster's!

Don't be surprised if you happen to find your dear W's picture posted up there!

I'd say that it's well past time for you to get to a good family attorneys office to be thoroughly advised of both your property and custodial rights and to immediately start the divorce process!

You and your children deserve far, far better out of life!*


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> The closest you can get to a women is when both of you are totally naked.
> 
> Naked....
> 
> ...


You'll never be criticized for not putting enough effort into your posts! You're obviously a good writer, but at the same time, I kind of hope that the OP does not read this post of yours very closely because it definitely would not help ease the mind movies.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

jimmac1977 said:


> quite a lot of posts to reply to so I will try to generalize.
> 
> He is single, 40, no kids and lives on his own. She has the children 6 nights a week, she has one night to herself either a friday or a saturday. She lives down the road from me so i know if hes there or not, ive not seen his car there for a few weeks.
> 
> ...


You sound like you are mentally in a good place. Cheers to you! Question, why are you chauffeuring her while she is inebriated? ? She can take a taxi no? Or walk. Is it because she has the children 6 days a week and you feel obligated? If so demand a 50% share time with YOUR children and she can go find her own transportation. As far as equity in house since she has larger equity share why is it your money needed upfront for sale? That's her problem not yours. Demand the house be sold immediately as you need your equity share that you may have a place to live with your children who will be with you 50% of the time and deserve a comparable home. Demand that through your solicitor. 

As far as her health problems just tell her to share those problems and emotions with the man or men she physically shared herself with behind your back, that you have zero interest or obligation to hear about it and that you just want to be done with her and move on.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

jimmac1977 said:


> quite a lot of posts to reply to so I will try to generalize.
> 
> He is single, 40, no kids and lives on his own. She has the children 6 nights a week, she has one night to herself either a friday or a saturday. She lives down the road from me so i know if hes there or not, ive not seen his car there for a few weeks.
> 
> ...


Sadly, it's not fantasy, it's reality. She is wanting and she IS WITH another man. The "love" they have---- yeah, that won't last long and she'll be out and about. You are right in that she's just the flavor of the month for his sorry self.
I like that you are planning a life without her, and have intentions of moving on. Keep posting and let us help you through this. There will be days when you want to backslide and have almost UNSTOPPABLE urges to communicate in some way with her. If you have those, post here and we will hit you with our most sturdy hardwood 2 x 4. 

You can make it. You can be HAPPY. You can be happier than EVER. You just have to get all this in your rear view mirror.


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## jimmac1977 (Mar 14, 2017)

thanks guys,

one thing i forgot to mention, both our families know about this, ive told them everything. Her mum is very ashamed of her and are no longer talking, she will have no one left!

thanks


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> You'll never be criticized for not putting enough effort into your posts! You're obviously a good writer, but at the same time, I kind of hope that the OP does not read this post of yours very closely because *it definitely would not help ease the mind movies*.


Tough love.
...........................................................................................................................................................................
When I first started posting, some lady TAM member, I cannot recall who, said I am very cold. 
Not the case, with me. I burn with the fire of the Sun and Mars. Touch me and the fire is transferred.
She is so wrong. Then again, extreme cold burns and feels just like fire....I guess?

That ladies post [charge] is equivalent to Absolution [freed from torment and latent guilt] being first, deciphered, then understood and then removed, only at Absolute Zero emotion. This, she claimed was done by me. 

Absolution, in the Church comes from Penance. I proffer an Absolution that is attained by exposing the deeds to cleansing Sunlight.

...........................................................................................................................................................................
*That is the point.* Such a sharp point. A sharp stab.... thrust through and over the internet.

*I do not want him to get weak kneed and to take her back. Karma starts with the betrayed spouse's response to treachery delivered by sleight of hand. Sleight of genital placement. *

My passion, my anger, loosed and targeted at the selfish fools that live in all of us. 

If I had no care, no warmth, I would strut, puff and hum along as do many in this life.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

jimmac1977 said:


> thanks guys,
> 
> one thing i forgot to mention, both our families know about this, ive told them everything. Her mum is very ashamed of her and are no longer talking, she will have no one left!
> 
> thanks


She made her bed, time to sleep in it.


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## curious234 (Jan 28, 2017)

Forget about this baggage and all the disease drama. Do you have someone dear and dependable to you helping to process all this on day to day basis? Do not take what In laws say seriously. They need to help her eventually.
"I am in talks with my parents about the next steps to moving forward, the house and divorce."
very good


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## jimmac1977 (Mar 14, 2017)

Hi guys,

just an update.

Im more confused than ever now.

Since she told me 2 weeks ago about starting a relationship with this other guy, she hasn't been to see him, it seems completley the opposite.

She has had oppurtunities to go see him, in particular the night she told me about starting this relationship. She could of also been to see him the weekend just gone but instead went camping with girly friends all weekend, i know she was there as it was a running event which she was marshalling at and I went over with some friends and the kids.

She has hit the running events hard, she is now tied up for the next 2 weekends which is more time not seeing him. I just dont understand it. We had an arguement the other day about things and she told me she is being honest with me about what shes doing etc but her actions dont match up to her words.

She also hasnt changed her facebook relationship status despite me asking her to do so and has also mentioned about taking the kids out together with me so we can help with their learning but despite all this she always talks like we are distance friends.

im so confused about it all, i just dont know what to make of it. Its like 2 people in one body.

any ideas?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cmon man cheaters lie a lot. You don't know what she's up to in reality.

Obviously you aren't strong enough to distance yourself so you'll stay in limbo until you can. Hard 180 no contact is your answer.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

jimmac1977 said:


> Hi guys,
> 
> just an update.
> 
> ...


Just reread all the posts on this thread then post again.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Until you're ready to let her go, you are SCREWED.

I feel for you bro. I know how it feels. You need to realize what and who she is, and realize there is NO WAY to have a relationship with her. She is a cheater and a user. She has ZERO feeling for you and has told you so. You're not confused whatsoever. You are just hoping there is a chance to continue with her in spite of the pain she is bringing to your life. 
Gather your strength and go meet other women and MOVE ON from this wretched person.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jimmac1977 said:


> Hi guys,
> 
> just an update.
> 
> ...


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

jimmac1977 said:


> Hi guys,
> 
> just an update.
> 
> ...



Jimmie,

You are not confused, you are still in DENIAL, and carrying this false hope that she is not having sex with him. If you read any of the literature, women in affairs that tell their husbands they want to DATE both of you ( open marriage), very rarely are R material UNLESS they are given no time to stall in getting kocked off the fence. The longer you sit there and play nice guy the more her feelings grow for him and since she has you pining away HOPING for the best there is no rush for her to make any decisions.

You have yourself convinced that she cannot find time to be sneaking to see him. That is not a very smart position to take with no way to verify it, and if she is moved out or still talking to him ( which you apparently have no clue of) then you KNOW nothing factual.

you are not going to get out of this without some harsh action and you start with ending her cake eating immediately and if she refuses handing her divorce papers. You can stop that any time you want to.

ou are on page 7 already here and you are still playing the "pick me" game. And telling her mum does not mean a damm thing. her family will eventually side with her. Blood is thicker than water.


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

Hey Jimmy. Voice of reason here again. You pulled a 180, she pulled a 180. You are both there for the kids. You will be civil to each other. She will even be your friend sometimes. May even want to screw you occasionally. But she's gone. Sounds like the magic man dumped her. Or she saw how it was affecting you and backed off of him. But she's still gone. She's gonna ride it out. Her end game only known to her.



jimmac1977 said:


> Im more confused than ever now.



And I would see it hashing out almost exactly like this. I'm the opposite of confused. You are describing my marriage currently. It's been that way for 15 years now. Only the last 5 or so have I known that "everything" was going on was happening because she didn't love me. 

I repeat what I bring to the table. That clarifying moment when I KNEW she didn't love me. It all made sense to me at that moment. But I had to see it. To FEEL it. She doesn't love me, and never will again. 

Unlike the "she's cheating, kill her" crowd, I will admit I could be wrong. They could be too. I'm just giving you my experience. The biggest mistake a man can make in a situation like this is to think she's "coming around". She may be. But it looks like the opposite to me.


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

The 180 is for you and you alone. Hoping she will see the new you and come back is a big gamble. I rarely see it work.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Stop keeping track of what she is doing. That is no longer your business. You two are separated and as far as I can tell, not working on reconciliation, so she can do whatever she wants. (as can you) Just because she isnt with the man 24/7 doesnt mean she isnt involved or invested in that relationship. Time to climb out of denial, and limit your contact to issues about the kids.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I thought Facebook lets you remove yourself from relationships. Can't you break it off on your own account? Why are you waiting for HER to do it?


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