# Concerned for (soon to be) Ex's well being



## Worried71 (Mar 4, 2011)

To start with I should provide some background. My wife and I were married for 13 years, together for 15. We have no kids and sadly enough we were both desperately unhappy in the marriage. Our separation started on Dec 9th and our divorce will be final on April 22nd. Our marriage was filled with anxiety and depression from her. There was little to no intimacy for the last 7-8 years, with time spent together as little as 5-6 times a year. I was always extremely supportive of her, writing daily affirmations, telling her how much I loved her, etc. The decision to divorce honestly was for the best, but a recent turn of events has me a bit worried about my soon to be ex-wife.

About 2 months after our separation, and numerous texts from her asking to get back with me I found out that she had started seeing a "friend" that was interested in her back when they were taking classes together in college. I knew of him, he is approximately 11 years older than her, and while in college he was married and tried on several occasions to sleep with her, even though married. As early as last week she had called me, crying, saying how much she still misses me and even texted me as a "last ditch effort" to see if I would reconsider. Anyway, I found out from her that as of today, she is moving in with this guy - who, by the way, she had denied having a relationship with. 

I am truly worried for her, as a friend. What kind of guy would, knowing that a woman has only been separated from a 13 year marriage for 3 months, ask her to move in with him. . ? He apparrently is divorced and has a teenage daughter. I know it's none of my business, but when I ask her if she is doing this for the right reasons and being honest with herself, all she tells me is that she is not stupid and is going to "live her happy life". The majority of me feels that she is an adult and that she can make her own decisions, and to be truthful, I am glad to be away from her. Our conselor even admitted that she could tell that she had manipulated me throughout the span of the marriage and actually urged her to seek professional (psychiatric) help, which she took as an insult.

Even though I truly have no intention on going back and feel that she can do whatever she wants, part of me is worried that this is going to be one big disatster. Is it normal to feel this way???

Help!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I'd stay out of it. You've invested far too much of your life in this marriage. It's time to cut her loose. She's a big girl. Just be glad you don't have kids. 

Thank God for small favors.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> I'd stay out of it. You've invested far too much of your life in this marriage. It's time to cut her loose. She's a big girl. Just be glad you don't have kids.
> 
> Thank God for small favors.


:iagree:


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## Worried71 (Mar 4, 2011)

I understand the comments about cutting her lose, etc. I really am better off and know that she can make her own decisions, no matter how bad. 

With that said. . . Why is it so hard to see this person flush their life down the proverbial toilet. I know that this will not end well for her - and while part of me feels that she is getting what she deserves, a small part of me still hates to see this happen. Just weird I guess. . .


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## Worried71 (Mar 4, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> You're legally separated, right? I mean, there are no legal or financial implications involved for you if this goes south? If she burns and crashes in any way, are you going to be responsible for upkeep, psych hospital bills?
> 
> I am not being crude, I'm just saying that if you are looking for reasons about why you care when you don't want to care excessively (vs. not having concern, which is normal), perhaps it is because an atty forgot to do an i or cross a t in the separation agreement and you are concerned this guy will take her to the cleaners and then when the divorce comes, or even before you will have to bail her out.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response. Yes, we are legally separated, and yes we, or at least I know I am, a spiritual person and the marriage has not been anulled yet - and I know that this has not been done on her part. 

You are correct, this is her path, and throughout the past 13 years I know I had put 100%of my heart and soul into this marriage, I truly wanted her, and as she so nicely put it recently in a fit of anger, "I guess I only needed you.". After which again she cried and apologized over. 

I know there are very happy days ahead for me, that I am very much looking forward to.

Thank you again for all the great responses.


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## msharley2u (Mar 4, 2011)

I would suggest she go to a divorce care meeting, this will help her to sort out her problems, bringing another person into her life right now would not be a good thing, as she is going to carry over all the hurt feelings from you and her being together. She also needs to go to counseling, i think getting involved with someone to quickly like this will end in a disaster, but this is something she feels she needs to do because she is not thinking straight. Of course we want someone to be there to comfort us in our time of need, but I think she is jumping too quickly. I have been through the divorce care class and I know, she needs to talk to God as God is the only one who heals broken hearts..tell her to seek out a church and find this class and take it, it will open her eyes for sure. God bless you and take care.


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

There really are happy days ahead of you, once you fully let go. 13/15 years of one person is a hard thing to let go of, or at least get accustomed to living without. Your life has pretty much only ever been about trying to make her happy, or cheer her up, in some way you've always doted on her. Unfortunately for you even after supporting her, she still was a distant person. Of course right now, you see her making a mistake, or what you perceive to be a mistake. She seems to have a co-dependency, one of those people who feel they can't be alone, someone who feels they always need a partner around, even if its detrimental to themselves. This is where you yourself learn to let what you've known for years go. It will take time, but slowly things will dwindle down, not to say that you'll care less, but instead you'll learn to focus on you. And it will be oh so refreshing. Just take it one step at a time. 
I was in a similar situation years ago. I was in it for 6 years, and never married. But I understand how you feel. You can't help someone with depression/anxiety issues. They really have to come around and help themselves. Personally, after leaving, I worried too. But once I fully detached, it was so wonderful. The tremendous weight thats off your shoulders, its like Aaahhhhh I can concentrate on me again. And I look back, and it feels like I wasted 6yrs of my life being a caretaker. Couldn't help but think that way.
Anyway, I just want you to know, I think I understand where you're coming from. But now its time to redirect your focus to yourself. You've tried, for years, now try for you. Start the little steps in moving on and detaching.
She'll be okay, and if not, it shouldn't matter. Its sad but that should be her harsh reality, not yours!
Take care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

> I am truly worried for her, as a friend. What kind of guy would, knowing that a woman has only been separated from a 13 year marriage for 3 months, ask her to move in with him.


The same guy that had an affair with your wife while you were married. I would bet a few paychecks that this was an affair that led to your separation and divorce. We are usually the last to know.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Or, as they say; "I would rather have none of my stuff than any of you". Honestly, though your chivalry is noble, it's not your problem any more.


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## Worried71 (Mar 4, 2011)

Sakaye said:


> There really are happy days ahead of you, once you fully let go. 13/15 years of one person is a hard thing to let go of, or at least get accustomed to living without. Your life has pretty much only ever been about trying to make her happy, or cheer her up, in some way you've always doted on her. Unfortunately for you even after supporting her, she still was a distant person. Of course right now, you see her making a mistake, or what you perceive to be a mistake. She seems to have a co-dependency, one of those people who feel they can't be alone, someone who feels they always need a partner around, even if its detrimental to themselves. This is where you yourself learn to let what you've known for years go. It will take time, but slowly things will dwindle down, not to say that you'll care less, but instead you'll learn to focus on you. And it will be oh so refreshing. Just take it one step at a time.
> I was in a similar situation years ago. I was in it for 6 years, and never married. But I understand how you feel. You can't help someone with depression/anxiety issues. They really have to come around and help themselves. Personally, after leaving, I worried too. But once I fully detached, it was so wonderful. The tremendous weight thats off your shoulders, its like Aaahhhhh I can concentrate on me again. And I look back, and it feels like I wasted 6yrs of my life being a caretaker. Couldn't help but think that way.
> Anyway, I just want you to know, I think I understand where you're coming from. But now its time to redirect your focus to yourself. You've tried, for years, now try for you. Start the little steps in moving on and detaching.
> She'll be okay, and if not, it shouldn't matter. Its sad but that should be her harsh reality, not yours!
> ...


Thanks again for all the great responses. As strange as it sounds, it is comforting to know that I am not alone in going through all this, that others have experienced the same thing and are willing to share. I really am greatful for that.

I/we sold our house and are closing this coming week - in turn I have also bought a new house myself and am closing the same day. This for me will be the greatest jumping off point for me to start focusing on myself again. Plus I received ownership of both dogs! Which is largely what I really wanted after the end of the marriage. . .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Sounds like you are doing good! You even got the dogs! :smthumbup:

Look at the bright side. She's not your problem anymore. Let the other guy have her and just go out and enjoy yourself. You invested 15 years in the marriage but you don't have kids and you are free! You can walk away and never have to deal with this nutcase ever again. 

Now go..Have fun !


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## Worried71 (Mar 4, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Sounds like you are doing good! You even got the dogs! :smthumbup:
> 
> Look at the bright side. She's not your problem anymore. Let the other guy have her and just go out and enjoy yourself. You invested 15 years in the marriage but you don't have kids and you are free! You can walk away and never have to deal with this nutcase ever again.
> 
> Now go..Have fun !


Yep, that's the plan! 

I admit though, as much as I am doing better, there are still those fleeting moments where I think to myself, WTF!?!?! But it's a time thing, that's for sure. Each day it does seem to be getting a bit better. And you are definitely right. She is no longer my problem - which is a great feeling!


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