# In need of some advice



## Pingpongball (Aug 10, 2012)

I have been on this site for the last few weeks searching for help. My wife and I have been married now for 8 years, together for about 10 years. 

Often times when she gets angry no matter the reason the anger level is always the same over the top explosive anger. In our last argument she got upset because she felt ignored when I went to visit my sister. (I am meeting my sister for the very first time that I didn't know I had, suppose to be a happy and exciting time) 

I apologized for to her for making her feel that way, and said it was my mistake I should've done whatever to involve her more in the conversations. I have a few sisters that I'm meeting for the first time, this is my 3rd meeting in the last 3 yrs. 

After I apologized she started talking about how I care more about my sisters than i do her.. which is so far from the truth because I am just meeting my sisters and I've seen them only a few times in the last 3 years. 

She hasn't spoken to me in days now, I went ahead and booked an appointment for a marriage counselor but she said she will not go if I can't talk her, however if I try talking to her, she refuses to listen and argues me down. She said "unless I can admit I treat her like crap in front of my sisters she will not accept anything I said" I said to her I made a mistake ignoring you not purposely but because I was excited to meet my sister and I'm sorry and I'm sorry it made you feel that way. she blew up again, yelling and screaming at me. She moved out of the master bedroom into the guest room. not sure what else to do.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

My guess is that this isn't the only thing going on in your marriage. I bet she feels ignored most of the time.

This is NOT saying you ignore her, just that she FEELS this way.

Part of the problem I think was your first reaction was to apologize. She went into explosive mode and your reaction was to try to diffuse it with an apology.

This was a special event in your life and your wife should be apologizing to you. Stop apologizing for her bad behavior. Let her stay in the guest bedroom and do not argue with her when she starts going off. Simply tell her that you will not be spoken to that way but will be more than willing to discuss any issue she has in a reasonable manner.

Marriage counseling is a good start, but it won't go anywhere unless she goes. But I would tell her you are going alone if necessary because you feel that the marriage is in trouble and you want to try to fix it.

But if she goes, you have to be prepared for her to come out with a laundry list of issues she has with you and you need to honestly address them.


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## Pingpongball (Aug 10, 2012)

Thank you Chris for responding, appreciate you taking the time.

She does use the phrase "I am always ignoring her" but we either home or doing things as a family. I can count the number of times I do things on one hand with friends in a year, because she's not the most social person, more of an introvert . I am more social but have become less so since getting married because she find some way to blame me for something and I apologize unsure whether I was right or wrong. 

I appreciate the advice. I already let her know that I will go to the counseling session by myself because I think it's repairable. When she gets loud and starts yelling, our 5 yr old son gets scared and I usually always try to give her what she wants so she calms down. But I am tired of doing that.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

Her over the top behavior is likely caused more by her own mind rather than your actions. 

As to the cause I suggest looking for some of the following in her upbringing and past relationships: 
- entitlement her parents doted on her and spoiled her a lot
- insecurity, low self esteem
- fear of abandonment - father left - old boyfriend left
- manic psychological disorders in her family (would suggest a genetic predisposition)

Whatever the cause, your response to her outbursts is actually enabling her. She perceives you as weak and attempts to apologize actually fuel her anger. It also is loosing you attraction. 

To begin addressing the issue we first must assess the cause. Look at the items above and see if there are any matches.

To learn a better response to her outbursts the 180 and "No more mr nice guy" would likely help. Search for them on this forum.

However please keep in mind that given the extremes of her behavior you will likely not be able to help her by yourself. depending on the root cause you may need a specialist trained in dealing with such issues.

Please come back with more information.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

If you have been perusing the site, particularly the Men's Clubhouse or items in the sticky at the top of the page, hopefully you are starting to get your arms around what is going on.

You had nothing to apologize for. And even when you do, it's like throwing gas on a fire. 

Apologize for something you know you have done wrong. Do not apologize for imaginary affronts that she comes up with, or believes that you should psychically be aware of.

Do ask questions, and keep reading here.

Do remember, people often treat us in exactly the fashion that we have taught them to.

If you have somehow not been present, or meeting her needs, take ownership of that and change it.

If she simply flies off on you because that is what she is allowed to do, and you tolerate it ... change that too.


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## Pingpongball (Aug 10, 2012)

Thank you FreedomCorp.

I am only aware of low self-esteem as she has spoken to me about it in the past on different occasions but I've done my best to re-affirm her time and time again, she's beautiful and very intelligent and I remind her of that but she still has some insecurities.

I am not aware of any manic history but some of the stories she has mention after we got married about her parents fighting suggest a possibility but nothing I can say with full certainty. 

I will have a look at what you suggested. 

I do my best not to be a whipping boy but I see my son and I give in...


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## Pingpongball (Aug 10, 2012)

Thank you Deejo.

Appreciate the advice and this forum.

I've done my best over the years and have failed miserably when it comes to standing up to her, mostly for the security of my son but still wrong. The counseling for me is a last resort.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Your wife is behaving like a child, a princess.

Treat her as you would a self centered child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Pingpongball said:


> Thank you Deejo.
> 
> Appreciate the advice and this forum.
> 
> I've done my best over the years and have failed miserably when it comes to standing up to her, mostly for the security of my son but still wrong. The counseling for me is a last resort.


If you are truly doing this for the benefit of your son, you're not doing him any favors. You are, in reality, teaching him to let women walk all over him. STOP IT!!


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## Pingpongball (Aug 10, 2012)

Thank you for responding Tacoma. Appreciate your input.


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## Pingpongball (Aug 10, 2012)

dormant said:


> If you are truly doing this for the benefit of your son, you're not doing him any favors. You are, in reality, teaching him to let women walk all over him. STOP IT!!


Thank you Dormant. I am realizing that more and more, I am satisfied I recognized it now and not too much later. Thanks for the advice.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wow. SHe sounds like an emotional child. And selfish to boot.

Seriously, it is way over the top wrong of her to get mad at you that you are visiting your FAMILY who you haven't seen in forever. What is that about?

She sounds very entitled. 

The refusal at marriage counselling says a lot. My bet is cause she knows she's going to get called out for bad behavior.

Has she always been this way? I am betting, yes.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Deejo said:


> You had nothing to apologize for. And even when you do, it's like throwing gas on a fire.


:iagree:

All you did was enable/enforce her bad behavior. DO NOT apologize if you haven't done anything wrong.


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## Pingpongball (Aug 10, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Wow. SHe sounds like an emotional child. And selfish to boot.
> 
> Seriously, it is way over the top wrong of her to get mad at you that you are visiting your FAMILY who you haven't seen in forever. What is that about?
> 
> ...


I saw it once when we were engaged but never when we were dating. Since we got married it never stopped, so it got to the point where I don't hang out with friends or visit or talk to family members much anymore... because there's going to be some argument and I'm going to hear how I care more about them than her.. terrible on me to respond that way but if I found this site a few years back or engage a counselor maybe things would be different.. when things are good between us, they really are. I still struggle with communication but that will always be a work in progress.. glad I'm progressing though. She use to complain about chores but not so much anymore since I do most of the cooking in the house because I love to cook. The anger level is what I don't understand, the things she does or says during those moments she never apologizes for after things calm down. I don't get that

She's not a bad person and I do think she's selfish in her actions at times but not a selfish person.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The behavior you describe is indicative of a MUCH larger issue on her part.

I'm not going to try and diagnose your wife, but her behavior goes beyond being spoiled or childish.

The difficult piece for you to comprehend is that invariably in order to make things better, you are going to need to behave in a manner that YOU will believe will actually make things worse.

You need to stand up to her. Call out inappropriate, disrespectful behavior, enforce boundaries and walk away if she refuses to interact respectfully.
You are going to have to engage in conflict, confidently and calmly.

Counseling may be beneficial for you as well.


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## Pingpongball (Aug 10, 2012)

My Appreciation to each of you for your advice, I have started to move out of the norm to see this marriage through and I believe there's still hope. Hopefully she accepts the counseling opportunity which will be helpful also I believe. It's hard but I am already detaching that emotion which makes me want to just accept whatever she says so things can go back to some form of normalcy. Thank you.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Pingpongball said:


> My Appreciation to each of you for your advice, I have started to move out of the norm to see this marriage through and I believe there's still hope. Hopefully she accepts the counseling opportunity which will be helpful also I believe. It's hard but I am already detaching that emotion which makes me want to just accept whatever she says so things can go back to some form of normalcy. Thank you.


Unfortunately, "normalcy" is different for the two of you.

She saw this kind of behavior when she was growing up. She probably saw the loudest, most dominant person win. That is "normal" to her.

And then, for the past 8 years, she has mirrored that behavior and she keeps winning and you keep accepting. Again, that is her "normal".

It's not going to be easy to unravel years of her conditioned behavior. Nor yours. My therapist suggested reading "Your Perfect Right" about assertiveness. It's geared towards women but I found a lot of it helpful in dealing with my inability to assert myself.


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## Pingpongball (Aug 10, 2012)

My wife came and spoke to me after a week of silent treatment. She ask, "what are doing? I can't continue living like this."

I said well I apologize to you for my mistake and I was waiting for you to forgive. She explained how she should not be the one coming to me because I was the one that hurt her by ignoring her when I went to meet my sister.

I said, I apologized for that.

Then she started talking about all the ways in which I don't care about her. I decided to be more assertive compared to previous conflicts and not just accept her shouting at me, even walking away when she started yelling. 

this went on for 2 hours, she started asking why I am so pompous and ****y all of sudden. (C.O.C. ky )

I really wasn't ****y or pompous, I just decided not to accept the repeated jabs in her words and chose not to be as submissive as I've been in previous arguments. 

She's still in the guest room and upset. And still refuses to go to therapy with me. Her reasoning being, if I can't talk to her without a third party why would she go. I explained that we need help with conflict resolution, she said yes we do, but I need to learn to talk to her first about the issues in our relationship. so it just became a circular argument, I will go by myself for now.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

It great if you are starting to stand up for yourself a bit more and this can only be a good thing because, as other have said, if you enable her she will only gather strength and keep on treating you the same way.

I had silent treatment issues for a LONG time in my marriage before the penny finally dropped and I realised that I myself was encouraging this type of behaviour from my H. It took a while but I finally realised that I needed to take responsibility for my own peace of mind and contentment rather than be at the mercy of someone's irrational whims. 

I was often on edge that some small insignificant issue could lead to a bout of not speaking, sometimes for weeks on end. As you will know, walking on eggshells is no fun. It would leave me feeling needy, trying to think of ways to appease. I now understand that people who persistently give the silent treatment, whether they know it/admit it or not, are seeking to control and dominate their partner. 

Underneath it all, to me, your wife seems like an extremely insecure person which has led her to become unreasonable and controlling in an effort to make you prove you love her. The irony is that her actions, over time, are likely to drive away the very person she wants to keep. 

My advice, FWIT, would be for you to change the way you respond to your wife's unreasonable demands and manipulative not speaking episodes. You can't change her, but you can change yourself, basically go about your normal day to day activities in a contented pleasant fashion, ignoring her tantrums and tactics. 

The link below is worth a look as it gives some do-able strategies for changing the way you react. Changing your response can alter the dynamic in the relationship and if she find she is not able to control your feelings anymore she might decide of her own volition to stop her negative tactics at control. It won't be an easy road, but I would say you definitely need to get off the path you have been following.


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## Pingpongball (Aug 10, 2012)

Thank you Advocado!

Appreciate the response. That link has some very helpful advice and it's something I started doing during this last argument.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Pingpongball said:


> My wife came and spoke to me after a week of silent treatment. She ask, "what are doing? I can't continue living like this."
> 
> I said well I apologize to you for my mistake and I was waiting for you to forgive. She explained how she should not be the one coming to me because I was the one that hurt her by ignoring her when I went to meet my sister.
> 
> ...


You did good. 

You can no longer accept unreasonable discussions (preaching) from her. Don't slide or back down. Go to counseling and you will learn more ways to be able to handle this situation.

I believe that what she is afraid of is needing to take some of the blame for this mess you two are in. When she yells, she deflects the blame.


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