# For the BS: Fix Your Picker Tips



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Advice for those BSs who want to move on to a new relationship.

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Fix Your Picker Tips

November 17, 2017 by @chumplady

Hey, it’s Friday and maybe you have a date this weekend. Or a bad rash just thinking about dating. Or maybe there’s still a cheater snoring on your sofa. What you need are BOUNDARIES!

Today’s Friday challenge is How to Fix Your Picker. If you’re a recovering chump like me, you need this skillset. And maybe a lifetime of refresher courses… (no, I really cannot host book club again… okay, okay, just this sixth time, but this is IT. Doesn’t anyone else have a sofa and cookies?)

Here are my Improved Picker tips:

*Do NOT rescue anyone.* Healthy people don’t need rescuing. They pay their bills. They function like adults. They manage their crises. Sure, everyone has some bad luck sometimes. We can all use a helping hand on rare occasion. Bu how people meet the challenges in their life says a LOT about them. Good people do not presume. If they lounge around on fainting sofas waiting to have their brow mopped while you bring them a hot toddy and your check book — **** ’em. Steer clear.

*Do NOT settle for lopsided arrangements*. You need a partner, a friend, not a project. Healthy relationships are based on reciprocity. Don’t do for someone who wouldn’t do for you. And don’t presume reciprocity (oh, of course they would) — watch what they do. Do they pick up the check? Do they hurry to do for you like you do for them? Do they get pleasure from giving to you? Or it is all about them?

I see a lot of straight men fall for this. They want to be a caretaker, feel needed and powerful, and are flattered by apparent “helplessness”. Choose a competent person with a job and their own money. Find an equal. Women fall for the caretaker role too — they jump in as “mommy” and polish the jerk up, find them employment, manage their life. DON’T DO THIS. Healthy people aren’t looking for parents and life coaches. That’s not your job, okay? Your job is girlfriend/boyfriend. That’s IT.

(read the rest here)


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Good advice. I may have to share this with my sons as they are at that age now. Here's a quick synopsis of the advice I've give them:

#1 (Most important rule by far - heavily stressed) - STAY AWAY FROM CRAZY. Crazy people may be attractive. They may seem easy to obtain. They may seem exciting. They are trouble. Don't just not date crazy people, stay away from them. Don't friend them. Don't hang out with them. Don't rescue them. Stay away from them. STAY AWAY FROM CRAZY.

#2 Don't get into a relationships with people that don't like themselves. If they aren't happy with who they are, they aren't ready for a relationship. 

#3 Avoid people with alcohol problems. Sadly, that's a lot of people in college. Having a beer or glass of wine or two is very different from someone that gets drunk. Avoid the latter.

#4 If you find a good prospect, mix her with your friends early in the relationship. If she's someone you want to be with for the long haul, you'll want her to be friends with your friends. Don't live with a split between your friend world and your romantic world. At the same, be ready to mix with her friends.

#5 Consider the company she keeps and how those people treat her. If she's imperious to friends or dominated by them, those are bad signs. If she has no friends, that's a bad sign.

#6 Don't yell at or tolerate being yelled at. If you can't have civil discussions with someone you are going to live with, you have a problem. That doesn't mean that you won't disagree and even fight, but you have to continue to respect each other.

#7 The prettier she is, the more cautious you should be. It is easy to be overwhelmed by beauty and miss other problems. Of course, this warning won't help. Beauty makes people stupid.

#8 Don't get too serious with anyone that won't let their hair down around you. If she needs to always be made up and dressed up, you need to get past that before you go too far in.

#9 Don't sleep with women you don't love. It's easy to get the cart before the horse and start to love women because you sleep with them. That leads to bad decision making. Waiting can also pay dividends in trust later on. This advice may be hopelessly outdated as stuff I read online makes it sound like not only to be usually sleep together on or before their first date, they sleep with friends with no romantic intention at all. Very different from the world I know.

#10 Stay away from anyone that you don't feel you can trust or that doesn't trust you.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

Great advice, thank you for sharing @FalCod and @Truthseeker1.

I wish this particular life-skill was taught extensively in high school. The partner a person chooses to marry and mate is one of the most (arguably THE most) critical decisions a person will make in their lifetime. If the family of origin is damaged or weak, or for any other number of variables of course, many young adults are not learning HOW to make that decision wisely. 

Raising my own children, we put a lot of emphasis on your first point. It has served them well. Thank you for the reminder that other kids need to hear these guidelines too. Using your 10 points, modified for gender neutrality due an audience of males and females, I'm going to have some discussions this week with the young adults I've been entrusted to influence.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I want someone who is in charge of their relationships. People who engage in passive aggression; claiming that theyy "don't do anything to encourage........." and so on are people who like to play games.

In other words, beware of people who engage in selective responsibility.

If you feel that someone should be responsible for something, ie. how they relate to their friends, family, ...... -- and they relinquish that responsibility, it is a dealbreaker.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

@FalCod - great points. picking a marriage partner requires one to make judgements that may seem "too judgemental" to some but better to too picky than end up with a WS who shagged someone else for ego kibbles. @chumplady does a good job at laying out the cold hard truths beyond the silly romantic notions some have of relationships. 

@Don't Panic - the reason I posted this is I believe articles like this one can be really useful to folks trying to pick up the pieces and not go down that same road again. In like of being cheated on the BS must work on themselves FOR themselves and not their WS or any other partner.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> I want someone who is in charge of their relationships. People who engage in passive aggression; claiming that theyy "don't do anything to encourage........." and so on are people who like to play games.
> 
> In other words, beware of people who engage in selective responsibility.
> 
> If you feel that someone should be responsible for something, ie. how they relate to their friends, family, ...... -- and they relinquish that responsibility, it is a dealbreaker.


Great point - the person has to be all in.....and willing to be proactive in the relationship. I also think as muuch as we are attracted to the person - character counts more. Looks fade - sh!tty character lasts a lifetime.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Advice for those BSs who want to move on to a new relationship.
> 
> __________________________________
> 
> ...


It's odd at the end where she says "your job is girlfriend/boyfriend. That's IT" because chumpcheater lady appears to be really describing her version of her first husband that she married by her own free will and then cheated upon, abandoned and then divorced prior to meeting and marrying her supposedly awful wayward husband.

I just think everyone should be discerning when taking relationship advice from an admitted adulterer that's been married three times so far that has already established herself as the champion of terrible "pickers". 

A bad tree simply can not bear good fruit. Be careful.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well after reading on these boards for over a year here is what I would say.

Really the best chance you have to have a good marriage is in who you pick. If you pick the wrong person there is a good chance you won't be able to fix it. If you pick the right one you can fix lots of stuff. 

Kids and Money are just as important as love and sex. Talk all about how to handle those things. Make sure you think the same way. 

Stay away from crazy for sure. you can't fix it and getting away from it is a nightmare, if you have kids look out.

Look at their dating history. Don't be the acceptation. Meaning for instance if they dated a bunch of bad boys before you that probably means they are dating you for the wrong reasons (financial security, settling down). Even if it's the right reasons people often return to what they know. 

See what kind of friends they have. What are their friends into, how do their friends behave. People tend to be friends with people at their same level with the same kinds of morals. Also how long they have been friends. If they are loyal, if their friends are loyal. That takes time. 

Check for a history of personality disorder in their parents (this can carry on through generations). Also what were their childhood like, normal divorce is one thing, constant drama is another and all of this usually leads to issues. Again probably why it carries on as the behavior is normalized. 

Watch how they are with the small things. Do they do the right thing with small stuff when it would be easier to not bother. Do they tell you the truth when it's not easy.

Do they speak up when they are upset with you or unhappy. Are they honest and assertive about boundaries and expectations. Do the hold you and everyone else to a high standard, including themselves. If so that is a good thing.

Do they want to solve a problem or do they want to win or be right. You want the one who solves the problem.

Were do they get their self worth. Is it their job? Is it people's opinion of them? Is it things or money? Your best chance is to find someone who gets their self worth from doing the right thing. Meaning they have an emotional investment in doing what is good. They believe that that has a direct impact on how much value they have as a person. I am not talking about giving to charity. That is good, but what I am talking about and what is the most important in this case is doing the right thing in interpersonal relationships.

A way to do all this is to talk about this stuff. Nothing wrong with proposing hypotheticals over some long talks with some drinks.

"What would you do if you caught your friend cheating", "What would you do if you caught your kid cheating on a test", "What would you do if there was an extra $50 in your paycheck." It's not a first date conversation but it's a few months in one.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

These are all good.
One thing I would not do is " Find and equal." That term is SO mislabeled and confusing in today's world.
No one is equal to anyone. Everyone has their own special qualities.
I say find an exceptionable individual. Competent, Honest,Trustworthy, who will put your needs ahead of their own.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

StillSearching said:


> These are all good.
> One thing I would not do is " Find and equal." That term is SO mislabeled and confusing in today's world.
> No one is equal to anyone. Everyone has their own special qualities.
> I say find an exceptionable individual. Competent, Honest,Trustworthy, who will put your needs ahead of their own.


I also like this one *"Beware the love bombers. If it seems too good to be true? It probably is. Take it slow. Crazy will reveal itself. Anyone who moves too fast or “loves” you before they have a good long time to get to know you?"* 
Sometimes people need to be reminded life is not some romance film and for men if you find yourself being a KISA stop yourself and run - white knights only exist in fairytales - they are called doormats in real life.


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