# Sabotaged what is left of our Relationship~on purpose....



## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

So H and I have been living apart for 3 months now, D Day was in July....but alot happened in between then and now. Needless to say I wasn't "rocking the boat" because I still maintained somewhat of a relationship with my husband. (pathetic as it was) Basically I got to have him around, we were still having sex, and hanging out and talking etc. But I had to keep quiet about it, and not tell the OW, because their relationship was based on a lie and if she knew the truth he would lose her and I would lose him.....GOT it??

Good so, I have been so weak dealing with H. I give in to him, I can't seem to stay angry at him.....I just need a chance to get over him. So I wrote that email I was wanting to write and sent it to OW and her sister. Clearly stating he has lied to her about everything from the day they met. That I only kept quiet about us still sleeping together because I was afraid to be without him. But now I realize even though you love someone, sometimes the relationship is just not healthy for you.

I am assuming she called him, as he said "what I did caused him upset and sadness" He is barely talking to me, which hurts but I know it is necessary for me to get over him, and honestly it is easier for me this way.

I arrived home last night, and found his house key on my table. ( he had come over to have dinner with the kids, because I had to work late last night) He left the key to hurt me. I know that, He said he didn't, but he just assumed after what I did to him I would want it back. I thanked him, and told him 

"One last thing. I realized over the pat few months that I have spent our entire relationship putting ur feelings first and always making sure u were ok and happy. Even after such a tremendous betrayal and many hurtful words from u I put my hurt and self respect aside to make sure u felt cared for and loved by me and the kids. I thought about ur feelings as much as alys in regards to missing out on things together , but got accused of doing it to spend time with u. All I wanted was to see u both happy. Even thru my tears that has been my main goal. That is love. And that is why and how I finally accepted u have never really loved me, because u would never have done that for me. It's ok I don't hate u. But I need to start taking care of me, as I am the only one who can. And that starts with not putting ur needs first anymore. I'm sorry "


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Wow.

Just go NC with the creep.. he must have thought he was in heaven that whole time. Well done for realising what you need to do. No more apologies though, he doesn't deserve them.

You caused him upset and sadness? Holy [email protected]


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I agree with K.C. Just, wow. 
Take care of yourself now.


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

Um...are you stuck? Read up on the 180! I am shocked you just "allowed" an affair to continue. It's wrong he treats you and your children this way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

I was stuck......It was an affair before he moved out, now we are seperated, he has made it clear he wants a divorce, regardless of if he was with anyone or not. Although he and I couldn't stay away from each other and have been together so long we looked to each other when we needed anything.

I guess subconsciencly I needed to make him angry and pull away from me because I knew I couldn't pull away from him.

:scratchhead:


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

You give him too much credit. He was playing you, no more, no less.

Plan B, Cake-eating. Seriously he has had it made and loved every last second of it. You need to find the strength to NC and 180 his sorry ass. Kids complicates that of course but come on, he has treated you appallingly.

He will continue to do so as long as you service his needs.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Lovingwife315 said:


> I was stuck......It was an affair before he moved out, now we are seperated, he has made it clear he wants a divorce, regardless of if he was with anyone or not. Although he and I couldn't stay away from each other and have been together so long we looked to each other when we needed anything.
> 
> I guess subconsciencly I needed to make him angry and pull away from me because I knew I couldn't pull away from him.
> 
> :scratchhead:


He's toxic. And you've been an enabler of his behavior. He will no doubt remain toxic but you can move on. And work on you without worrying about him.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Honestly kids do complicate things but I can do what ever I can to make sure that our interactions are brief and to the point. I wish I knew how to HATE him. I know you are all angry for me, I don't know what is wrong with me....why can't I be angry for myself??? Why do I care about him so much after EVERYTHING he has done. I am not going to feel bad for outing his lies to the OW, cause I don't want any chance of her being in my kids lives.

Anyway, in the past, no matter how angry he would be with me, his need for comfort and my caretaking would bring him back within a short time. We used sex to connect when we couldn't any other way. I am hoping he is so pissed this time that by the time he comes back, I have detached!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I don't know if you can hate him right away but instead of playing over the good times & the comforting times in your head keep reminding yourself of what he has done now. That is not fair to you. I noticed the less contact I have with my WH the better I do. I know its hard when you have kids but its the best thing for you.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

I will try to limit my time with him and try to remember a memory of something he has done to hurt me rather than a good one from when I thought he loved me.

My Birthday is Friday, and I just keep thinking what a lovely party he organized for my 40th last year, and how he was already cheating on me at that time!!! Just wondering how much more of my life has been a lie!


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Loving, are you in any type of counseling? You need to help yourself and figure out why you were so needy and fearful that you would let him treat you this way. Boundaries are hard when your fear of loss outweighs your desire for respect and an equal relationship, I understand that fear. You need to do more than the boundaries right now though; you need to set new patterns for you self and your life, healthy patterns that your children will see. Hope you seek out help with that.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I hope you have a good birthday, I know it will probably be painful with him not there, but think about that- he has chose to spend his time with OW.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Lovingwife315 said:


> I will try to limit my time with him and try to remember a memory of something he has done to hurt me rather than a good one from when I thought he loved me.
> 
> My Birthday is Friday, and I just keep thinking what a lovely party he organized for my 40th last year, and how he was already cheating on me at that time!!! Just wondering how much more of my life has been a lie!


Well happy birthday! Do something good for yourself! If you can surround yourself with people who love you. 
That is one of the things I still cant shake - how long was this going on and how much of it was lies? Every so often a situation will pop into my head and I start to wonder. Heck my WH was supposedly away on business on my birthday last year


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Lovingwife315 said:


> My Birthday is Friday, and I just keep thinking what a lovely party he organized for my 40th last year, and how he was already cheating on me at that time!!! Just wondering how much more of my life has been a lie!


You are going to be surprised by how many memories you will think back to and realize something was not right and those memories will be tainted. And before long, you will have little positive feeling left for your husband. I have gotten to the point where I just can't scan my memory anymore. It is just too painful.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

I am, thanks, my IC and I are working on some issues I have including a major abandonment issue. H is also un diagnosed BPD so I have some major caretaking/co-dependancy issues. and he has so major issues too, although he will not address them

In every other aspect of my life I am very independant, or at least I have been. I feel alittle less sure of my self these days.

New patterens sounds good, they need to start with me not responding to WH attemps to reel me back in when he is done being angry. He will try to use me to make himself feel better, we have done that for so long, comforted each other etc, I don't think it is an easy habit to break. It may be this week or next.....he may even be REALLY angry and hurt that I ruined his OW relationship and not come around for weeks....that would honestly be the best option. 

I just want to be strong enough to realize what needs to be done when he does.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Well happy birthday! Do something good for yourself! If you can surround yourself with people who love you.
> That is one of the things I still cant shake - how long was this going on and how much of it was lies? Every so often a situation will pop into my head and I start to wonder. Heck my WH was supposedly away on business on my birthday last year


I found out latter that my stbxh couldnt make it to my grandmothers 80th birthday pary (I helped throw- we had reserved a big room at her fav resturant and had over 30 people.) because he was with ow that night. told me emergency at work, I was so upset he was missing it because she loved him so much. she died before her 81st.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

I hate to believe that he had me fooled all that time....that all these memories that I have and have cherished are all [email protected]#$!

I believed him when he promised never to leave me, I meant it when I promised the same! Just swaying between anger and sadness now.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

doureallycare2 said:


> I found out latter that my stbxh couldnt make it to my grandmothers 80th birthday pary (I helped throw- we had reserved a big room at her fav resturant and had over 30 people.) because he was with ow that night. told me emergency at work, I was so upset he was missing it because she loved him so much. she died before her 81st.


She didn't really know him.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> I hate to believe that he had me fooled all that time....that all these memories that I have and have cherished are all [email protected]#$!
> 
> I believed him when he promised never to leave me, I meant it when I promised the same! Just swaying between anger and sadness now.


I know hun....


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

doureallycare2 said:


> I found out latter that my stbxh couldnt make it to my grandmothers 80th birthday pary (I helped throw- we had reserved a big room at her fav resturant and had over 30 people.) because he was with ow that night. told me emergency at work, I was so upset he was missing it because she loved him so much. she died before her 81st.


I like to believe God has plans for people like our X's. I think my grandma will look out for me & take care of things from above. I believe yours will do the same. My WH actually carried her casket with her blood grandsons (my brother & cousins) because she felt & my mother felt like he was a real grandson/son and not an in law. Nice huh?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Lovingwife315 said:


> I hate to believe that he had me fooled all that time....that all these memories that I have and have cherished are all [email protected]#$!
> 
> I believed him when he promised never to leave me, I meant it when I promised the same! Just swaying between anger and sadness now.


Mine promised the same. I don't think they know what telling the truth is. They are very sad people.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

so today is the first day I had to see H since he found out I told his GF about his lies. Passed off D6 with not even a glance at him, don't know if he looked at me at all. He texted me and thanked me for letting her go to breakfast with him before school.

I said "np"

that is it, feeling slightly uneasy about lack of communication with him, but it will get easier in time Im sure. I have started to wonder if I would have done NC from day 1 would our future have turned out different? I guess I will never know.

Just remembering his text that said "after what you did to me......" (meaning coming clean about his lies to OW) 

Keeps me strong, how dare he say after what I did??? Like I ruined something for him....


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

good stay strong!! That should piss you off!!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Of course he's angry with you for spoiling his little set up. He was enjoying having the attention of 2 women. He saint stay angry with you for long.
Lets just wait and see now if OW is everything he's 'imagined' she is. Lets see if she can really fulfil all his needs.
Look after yourself now and stop saying sorry! You have nothing to be sorry about, he has taken advantage of your good nature. 
Don't initiate contact now. No relationship talk. He needs to miss you or he will never realise what he has to lose.
Stay strong!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

I think my email "ended" them. He wouldn't be so "upset and sad" if she didn't give him a hard time about what I told her. The only question is was he able to talk his way out of it with her? Is she smart enough to see the truth now or not? Either way, you are right daisy.....I was "helping him" have both of us by keeping quiet. 

His track record with staying away from me even when he was the one that wanted to be away, has never been for long. But we were always living together then, who knows now....I will just continue to be kind to him and deal with the kids together with him. But I think we are really done this time.....


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> The only question is...


Nope, the question is, if he crawls back can you say no. 

Don't worry about being kind to him. Treat him like an acquaintance. Polite but in the way you would if he was a store clerk or such as opposed to a friend.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I agree with K.C. You do not want to end up like me. My stbx always came back and sometimes never left but even though we may have had some good years and I thought I WAS BEING FIRM. I wasn’t. The boundaries were not firm enough, I just wanted my marriage to work, I wanted to believe at all cost. Then there comes a point where you can’t do it anymore and you might be 50 years old...and you gave more than 30 years of yourself to the relationship. Why? For a dream? It’s time to make new expectations as hard as that is...


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

KC

I question myself about that EVERYDAY.

What I am sure of is:

I Love him
I CAN NOT trust him
I CAN NOT lean on him
I am not sure if I will ever be able to TRUST him again after this betrayal (not even talking about the OW, the betrayal I feel most deeply is him walking away with out fighting for our marriage)
I don't know if I will ever be able to not wonder if he would do this again, even if he works on changing, and proving to me that he wants our marriage, because he did this before, 15 years ago before we were married. He walked away, wanted both me and OW at the same time, I left the state and he came after me 1 year later. He begged me to forgive him promised me himself forever promised 110% of himself.....I took him back, then again before our D6 was born we recommited to our marriage, and he asked me never to leave him.....I held up my end of the bargin.....


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Next step is finding out if you actually love HIM or the illusion of him you still have.

Forget words, whatever promises he has made, look at his actions.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

I am not sure how to do that anymore....

Just being honest.


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I am still battling it daily even though it's been a year. Something that has helped me is journalling all the crap he has put me through, both in a journal and on here. When I am really getting hard with, "why?, but I love him, blah blah" I read these things that are so easy to forget for some stupid reason, and I remember and I get so ticked. It helps for a bit to refocus myself on the bad and not the good. It's really, really hard.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

BTW I think he is just waiting for me to text him, or give him his key back.....those are things I would have done before. (he explained why he left the key and made it sound like he thought that was what I would want)

I have to keep strong.....tomorrow is my birthday, and I am wondering if he will reach out then, his "feelers" to see if I am still there for him when he wants me. ( I did mention his is undiagnosed Borderline Personality right?)


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

You know what the perfect thing for you to do would be.... go somewhere for your birthday.. do not be available for him to call, text or see.... That way he cannot disappoint you and if he does reach out he will wonder what kind of fun you’re having without him!


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> I am not sure how to do that anymore....


Start by going back to the beginning of this thread and rereading the entire thing. But...

Whenever you get to one of your own posts, pretend that it's one of your best friends talking about her husband, instead of you talking about yours.

Back off, gain some altitude, and observe his actions from a distance.


Pb.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Thanks everyone! I know this NC will be difficult, but after tomorrow morning, I won't have to intereact with him again till next Friday night when he picks up D6. lets see how I can keep myself busy until then!!!


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

so last night H text our D6 to see if she wanted to go for donuts before school. She said yes and to "take mommy for her birthday"

He responded "I can do that for you if you want, if she can go"

So my daughter asked me, initially I thought how nice it would be to do something with the 2 of them on my birthday, but after reading his text to her realized, he didn't want to, he was just trying not to hurt her. So I told her I had to work early and I would be with her tonight.

When he came to pick her up this morning I walked her out, gave her a kiss, and started to walk away. He yelled after me "Happy Birthday" I thanked him without even looking at him and went inside.

First Birtday apart in almost 18 years.....sad. This is the longest I have been able to go with such limited contact EVER!!

But I just keep reminding myself, this was his choice and if I get weak I think about the amazing party he threw for me last year on my birthday, and how that memory is tainted now that I know he was already having an affair with OW at that time.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Loving Wife..... HAPPY Birthday Girl!!!!!!!


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Thank you!!!!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

:birthday: :birthday: :birthday:



I am dreading my birthday next month. I think you handled it really well btw.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

He texted and asked to see me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Happy Birthday! I hope you had a good day but from your last post I have to ask how are you? Any idea why he wants to see you?


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> He texted and asked to see me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did you respond. If so how?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> He texted and asked to see me.





K.C. said:


> Did you respond. If so how?


On behalf of Conrad... "I'm not okay with that."


Pb.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Pbartender said:


> On behalf of Conrad... "I'm not okay with that."
> 
> 
> I saw him. We talked and it is clear to me now he doesn't want to save our marriage. He is sad and regretful for the hurt he caused me but I made a final plea for us and our family and he said
> ...


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I'm going to say thus because my H is just as bad. Your H is an insensitive jerk who doesn't deserve you. The fact that he chose to tell you this when he did was a real lousy thing to do. At this point you should close the door- hold your head up- and walk away. Lord know its not easy - especially since you still had contact with him - but it will be the best thing you can do for yourself.
I try not to see my WH at all. I have older kids so its easier for me but I'm protecting myself. You need to put up the wall and take care of you & your kids.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Well today starts a new phase in my life... Got to work really hard at NC except for kid stuff . Really hard since he has been my best friend and goto person for 18 years. I know it is necessary for me to start healing and for him to finally see what he has lost. Up until now he has still had me in his life and probably hasn't had the chance to miss me or our life. 

Thanks everyone for your support. I will look to u all for the strength to continue NC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I suck at it, tbh, i haven't really committed to it NC/LC as yet. But I have withdrawn a bit and i can see she has noticed (whats up - nothing - yes there is I can tell - don't worry about it blahblah grr). All I would say just now is it is hard and you will most likely slip up.. look out for the slips and try to rectify them going forward, but the "best friend" and "go to" sounds exactly like me and mrs.C.. it is hard, what i mean is don't be too harsh on yourself if you slip up. Really try not to but if/when you do, acknowledge you need to do better but don't get on your own back about it ya know?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Lovingwife315 said:


> Well today starts a new phase in my life... Got to work really hard at NC except for kid stuff . Really hard since he has been my best friend and goto person for 18 years. I know it is necessary for me to start healing and for him to finally see what he has lost. Up until now he has still had me in his life and probably hasn't had the chance to miss me or our life.
> 
> Thanks everyone for your support. I will look to u all for the strength to continue NC.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know how you feel - the adjustment for me not having him around to talk to was hard. But we're here for you! Sending you a big ((hug))!


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

So I booked my first family vacation which will not include my husband.....He made it very clear, as most of you know, that he would like to go but he was *"afraid it might give me hope and he would be uncomfortable with that"* 

So, this is an annual trip, last April we all had so much fun when we were there! (sucks to know the truth now, he was with OW already)

How do they just pretend things are fine.....

Anyway, I know the kids and I will have a great time, but why is it I feel sad for him.....???


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Another big hug!!


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Gosh! I was doing so well.......and that is why this morning happened I am sure! 

When H came to pick up D6 this morning for school, I was running behind and he came in to assist if packing her backpack etc. I am contsantly aware of what he is doing when he is around me. I know he was watching me, even though he turned away when I looked at him.

Then came the "FEELERS" and I mean "feelers" As he walked past me he decided to touch me, in a way that he knew would get a reaction out of me. It did.... And what I felt when he leaned up against me, it got a rise out of him as well.

NOTHING HAPPENED, but if our daughter was not there and ready to walk out of the house it may have....

WHY DO THEY DO THIS??? HE LEFT ME....


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> Gosh! I was doing so well.......and that is why this morning happened I am sure!
> 
> When H came to pick up D6 this morning for school, I was running behind and he came in to assist if packing her backpack etc. I am contsantly aware of what he is doing when he is around me. I know he was watching me, even though he turned away when I looked at him.
> 
> ...


ok my blood is boiling....... you know why he did it, right? Read your old post... He wanted to go with you guys... BUT- he didn’t what you to get the *wrong idea*.. I’m really starting to hate your H. he wasn’t all the comforts of being married to you without a commitment.!!!!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Have you thought of telling him you're not ok with it?


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I am glad you had the kids present to stop you from caving to has manipulation. Cos it sounds like you would have but it clearly is manipulation.

Don't be plan B. Don't be a hookup.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Rough weekend. Together for family party on Saturday with kids. Sunday he says he needs to talk to me. Tells me he may be going away for a week. Mexico possibly for a wedding. (Ow sister). I told him to have fun.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

So he just had to tell you he was going to go to Mexico? Did he know that before he wanted to go on your family vacation also? This should actually make you feal better that you stuck to your decission on not having him go with you. He is still trying to play both sides and is probably angrey you didnt let him go so he "had" to let you know it was mexico he was going to... dirt bag..


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