# Wife cheated but I wonder about the No Contact rule.



## Tenacious D (Apr 17, 2012)

**I’m sorry this is super long but no other story here that I can find is like it and I wanted some advice I hope people can get through it…please!!**

I, like many people here, have a unique situation where my wife of 10 years has cheated on me. Please forgive me I’m just getting use to all the acronyms so for now I’ll just write everything out.

First, I’ve been out of work for about 14 months, looking for work in a new field makes it hard, but I do receive unemployment in addition to raising our 21 month daughter while looking for work and going to school. The reason I wanted to clarify that is to highlight that our situation has been stressful on both of us during this time.

About 8 months ago my wife was going through extreme stress because her job was VERY hard on her as she was in a position of power and the company was wringing her dry. We’re talking 60+ work weeks for a new mother who did not want that life for herself and her daughter. So, being the good husband that I am, I turned to a very close friend whose father owns a very successful company. I told my friend how amazing of an employee my wife was and asked if he could set her up with an interview with his father for an outside sales job. My buddy was happy to do this for me as I had been there for him over the last year of his life when he had been struggling with depression/suicidal thoughts. 

My wife being the consummate home-run hitter in her career landed the job. Well as my wife made ripples throughout the company and drove new and fresh air into the old and stagnant ways they had been doing things, it generated excitement for his son, my good friend that got her the interview, and made him want to get more involved in his father’s company. This guy, I’ll call him Billy, has always had grand ideas for his success in life (shoulder injury kept him from getting a chance as a pro ball player in college) and would jump from one crazy opportunity to the next trying to “Hit it big.” The reason this is relevant is because since he was close to me and talked to his Dad every day, along with hang out with me and my wife on the weekends, he knew the exciting new stir my wife had caused at his father’s company. So being the opportunity chasing guy that he is, he decided he wanted to go work for his father again. His father had always wanted him to have an interest in his company and once Billy started coming in everyday excited his realized it was because my wife motivated him. The father loved my wife for the employee she was, now she had helped give him something he could never do on his own.

This revelation was the beginning of big problems. The father asked my wife to start texting Billy every morning to make sure he would be in on time and being as though she and Billy were friends she thought it was funny but did it with no problems. Well, the father made Billy a manager at the company ,even though he was massively under qualified, and since my wife has extensive background in management the next thing I know she and him are working together nonstop as she basically helps restructure this company and groom this guy into being a better manager. Her and Billy started making jokes that she was his work sister/mom, to me either of those could have also been replaced by work wife.

Being the non-jealous husband that I have always been, I noticed that while their work relationship was becoming strangely too familiar (prior to anything happening) I started to make little joking comments about her and Billy. Once day when I made one of my (quasi) jokes about her and Billy (still prior to anything happening) she gave me a response that troubled me. Instead of her saying that she had no interest in him and was not attracted to him, as she has in just random conversations in the past, her reaction was “I’m not even his type.” Well, while that is not a blatant admission of anything I did not like that it was not a denial. 

In the week or so to follow I noticed that she was texting a ton and then one day I noticed she got a phone call and walked out into the front yard to talk, she never did that. So I made an excuse to go out there saying my daughter was trying to see her momma, I saw my wife leaning on the car talking like a high school girl would when on the phone with a boy. So as me and my daughter walked up until she noticed us, acted like it was no big deal and told me she was going to walk to the park with my daughter, meanwhile never hanging up the call. At that point my non jealous attitude went away.

That whole day I was watching her phone to see when I could get access to it, strangely she kept it in her pocket all day, unusual for her. It was a Friday so that night I went a street or two over from my home and hung out with friends until about 1:30 in the morning. When I got home she was sleeping with her phone charging next to her and I took my opportunity to look through it. 

What I found became my D-day. I started reading the texts she and him had been sending back and forth and noticed half the time the messages were like she was having a conversation that had pieces missing. So I did the obvious thing and went and looked up the text usage online. I found tons of erased messages. By this time I was feeling numb and sick. It was 4 a.m. or so but I did not care and I woke her up and confronted her. She did the normal thing when a cheater gets caught and started to deny and mitigate the situation. Me not being a dummy was not going to let it drop. I told her I had ordered the text messages and that I would know what they said no matter what. She bought it. So she half fessed up that she had developed a crush on Billy and the texts were her telling him about it. The more I drove the point home that I had had the transcripts coming the more she admitted. She then told me that the worst she did was over about a week time she told him about her crush and then proceeded to keep pressing the issue with him. From everything I’ve learned he tried to blow it off out of loyalty to me in spite of her repeatedly bringing it up. She told me that on that Friday after over a week of constantly flirting with him that when she texted him to wake him up, instead of just texting him to make sure he was up, she asked if it would help if she came and woke him up. Even though she said he told her no it did not matter because she was offering herself to him. To me that was it….she was unfaithful. I lost it. 

The crazier I became with my yelling and hurt she kept trying to get her phone. As the fight carried on I noticed she was desperately wanting the phone and did not want me to contact him to verify her story independently with him. I told her I was going to tell him that she told me everything and see what he said happened, she looked dumbstruck. That’s when I realized that she had only told me half of the truth. While she truly did send him that last text message offering herself to him he finally gave in to the forbidden fruit fantasy and did not say no. My wife is very attractive so it's no surprise she finally wore him down. I finally got it out of her, she went over there and crawled in bed with him and they both let it happen. Come to find out, by more and more backing her into a corner, they spent the morning at his house working and they had sex twice. I was/am devastated. I also found out they did not use a condom and this guy has been with lots of woman in his life. Now we have to go through a std and possible pregnancy exploration. I could not believe she was willing to risk all of this to live out this fantasy that took control of her.

The guy honestly does not want a relationship and is barely able to cope with his guilt. The more I tried to understand why she did this and asked how long would it have gone on her response was, “It was over, he made that clear to me,” accompanied by her immediate tears. Wrong answer. That happened about three times over the next few days as we were trying to figure out what to do with our lives. She kept saying that he said it was over and getting upset, then when I would confront her about doing it she kept telling me that's not what she meant, but that she was just upset that she did this to me. Funny how she did not cry at other times when we discussed her losing me, in that first day of fighting.

We’re at a point now where it feels like she has snapped out of her fog and is making sense again. I feel like she is being honest about everything. I was able to verify everything independent from her story because I called him and made him talk. He was so grief stricken that he had given into this affair that he was not holding anything back, he told me any gruesome detail I wanted to know. So I pretty much know that I caught her the very first time it happened and now I feel like I broke the spell of the fantasy she was living in and she is devastated about what she has done. She pushed counseling and even found a really respected Christian based counselor and we have started there. So I have faith that things are headed in the right direction.

However here is where I REALLY need help. She can’t quit that job because we need the income, she is on the way to a huge pay increase and we desperately need it. I know she LOVES that job even outside of the avalanche of feelings that she was caught up in for Billy. She dearly loved the job and people before he ever decided he wanted to start working there. So for her to just leave that job is just not that simple. This job could set her/us up for god knows how long. It’ll even help me get the job I want through one of her account contacts so I can start working in the field I’ve been trying to break into for for the last six to eight months. I know Billy, even though it really hurt her feelings (she feels like a used piece of meat, not that I care about her feeling that way), wants nothing more to do with this terrible and depressing situation, as crazy as it sounds I believe him. He is a single good looking guy and this is not something he is proud of or wants to be a part of, he said its the worst thing he's ever done in his 30 years on earth. Is there any leniency in the No Contact rule? They both tell me everything if I ask and they have almost no contact anymore, only when it strictly pertains to business and she is now only dealing with his married older brother and his Dad (who don't know about this, he could be voted out of the company). I know my wife and this guy pretty well and my instincts tell me they are being up front with me. Not that I can truly trust them, but my gut feels like they are being forthright, well as much as can be expected after an affair.

The last thing is, the only people that know are both her and my parents and two of her brothers that she can trust. If I’m going to work this out I don’t want all my friends and brothers to know because they are not sensitive enough to understand me trying to work this out for the sake of our family and the fact that despite what she did we both still love each other. They will react in the same way I did when I heard about a similar situation of another friend and just write her off as a wh0re and never really be able to respect her again. I feel like everyone finding out will hamper all the progress we’ve already made.

Sorry for the length but I feel like this is fairly complicated and wanted to be as thorough as reasonably possible. Keep in mind I’m still dealing with the huge list if mental and spiritual pain that is listed in the sticky, but now that we just started counseling things feel a little more under control. I do consider leaving her based on the infidelity and that I had to catch her opposed to her coming clean, and the no condom thing makes me sick. I feel pretty good about myself and I've been hitting the gym along with eating healthy since the affair so my self worth (for now) is pretty high. what to do....what to do....I really want to reconcile and feel its a real possibility, but I don't want to feel like I "let" her have an affair. I'm a very strong person with a ton of fight in me, if I feel like something is even going slightly wrong she knows I'll 100% be gone forever without a doubt. She also knows that I won't hold any punches if I feel like I'm being lied to. Not that I want her to stay with me because she is scared about what will happen if she screws up (ruin her job and social life by exposure, his too for that matter since we run with all the same friends), I know her well enough to see that she is very mentally anguished over this and is heartbroken that she did this. She now looks back and does not even feel like she can understand what was wrong with her or how this even happened. It feels like she is almost as confused as me about how or why this happened. Although I know that we both had deficiencies that we never understood for the entire 10 years, so I know she was in a bad emotional and mental state when this happened, but she should have come to me and tried to see if we could figure things out, there is no excuse for this.

So now I'm trying to figure out what the possibilities are for us reconciling and her keeping her job. I know it's said to be impossible, but I don't feel like it is. Am I crazy? (however if, although it is HIGHLY unlikely, she is pregnant then it's either abortion or I walk. I'm sorry but I could never raise a child born from another man through such a nasty double betrayal. Not even with all the love I have for my wife and daughter, even with wanting to be together as a family.)


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Money or your marriage. It's your choice.

So let me get this straight. Your WW continually lied to you and so did OM, and now you believe them? 










This is a workplace affair. There can never be NC if they are still working together. The affair is still on, you just won't know about it. It's as simple as that.

But if you need the money that badly, then you must accept the fact that you're sharing your WW, no matter what she or OM says.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Tenacious D said:


> The last thing is the only people that know are both her and my parents and two of her brothers that she can trust. If I’m going to work this out I don’t want all my friends and brothers to know because they are not sensitive enough to understand me trying to work this out for the sake of our family and the fact that despite what she did we both still love each other. They will react in the same way I did when I heard about a similar situation of another friend and just write her off as a **** and never really be able to respect her again. I feel like everyone finding out will hamper all the progress we’ve already made.
> Sorry for the length but I feel like this is fairly complicated and wanted to be as thorough as reasonably possible. Keep in mind I’m still dealing with the huge list if mental and spiritual pain that is listed in the sticky, but now that we just started counseling things feel a little more under control.


Of course you don't want anyone to know that you want to rug sweep this because of the money. 










Good luck with that.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Like Mayhem, says---mge., vs. job-----If money is more important, than your self respect, in this situation----you gotta do, what you gotta do

If she must stay at work---then she needs to figure out a way---that there can be no contact with her lover----If she is their wondrous star employee, then she needs to go to her boss/owner, and tell him for her to be ALLOWED---That is the word she uses, to stay in that job---her lover has to dissapear from her presence/sight completely----and she will not have any contact whatsoever with him, in any way shape or form

What I want to know is, what accountability is there on your wife-----what boundaries does she now have placed on her----what are the actionable consequences to be

Also before you proceed into anymore counseling, or even start on a R----You need to have her sign a POST--NUP --with a DURESS clause, and get it notarized----nothing proceeds in this mge---till that is done----make your split about 80-20, with at the worse joint custody.

What now makes you think she is even over her lover----she dissed you, manipulated, decieved, connived, and lied, for however long----she came home looked you right in the eyes every night and said everything was fine, even as she allowed you sloppy 2nds-----what makes you think she is not underground, and continuing, even as we speak!!!!!


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## Tenacious D (Apr 17, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Like Mayhem, says---mge., vs. job-----If money is more important, than your self respect, in this situation----you gotta do, what you gotta do
> 
> If she must stay at work---then she needs to figure out a way---that there can be no contact with her lover----If she is their wondrous star employee, then she needs to go to her boss/owner, and tell him for her to be ALLOWED---That is the word she uses, to stay in that job---her lover has to dissapear from her presence/sight completely----and she will not have any contact whatsoever with him, in any way shape or form
> 
> ...


Well there was no sloppy seconds, I found about it the next day and we were not with one another that night, for what it's worth. 

As far as self respect, I have plenty that's why I'm here asking questions. 

Also I read the sticky but I never saw what a POST--NUP --with a DURESS clause was. Link or explanation? I'm interested. 

As far as the job goes, it's not as simple as it just being the money, we will literally lose everything if she just stops going, so we have to consider our daughter in that equation. Trust me, I'm not fine with them working together, but that's part of what is being worked out. Neither of us know how to proceed from here. It's simply just not in her DNA to just throw away a job, affair or no. I'm not making excuses or disagreeing with the disaster it is with her working there, I'm just making a statement that I know to be fact based on her insane work ethic pre-affair in the last 10 years when things were happy.

So the methods here are the only blue print for success? I honestly don't know the answer to that, but I'm here trying to learn what I can. I'd like to think that as humans we all posses the ability to recover from egregious mistakes in different ways and it's not always as simple as a bunch of cheating definitions that are to always be applied to everyone no matter what, but then again I don't know anything for sure. I'm going to sleep on it (I'm exhausted) and come back and revisit everything tomorrow. I'm new to being cheated on so I'm still figuring everything out. 

Thanks for all the responses, I'll be back tomorrow to see what else is posted! Thanks again for reading my story and giving positive advice. This is a crazy time for me, I may be losing my life as I know it and it's scary and painful.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She is clearly a wise women, she sure know that you will expose her to her work place and to her boss and she will loose her reputation and job so she choose the mask of guilt and remorse. Now she won the situation by having Billy, her jo and a cuckold you. If she cant maintain a NC, then how will their affair die. Is it because they are truthful and took the decision to not fuc*k any more? Can you belive them anymore? You are rug sweeping, They are not facing any consequences for their wrong henious crime they have done to you as a wife and friend who supported them, loved them. Why they want to stop banging when you are ok with that, there is no conswquences means you are ok with it. They may be waiting for some time till this get completely rug swept for begin from where they left.
Expose her and him to the people concerned, its not anything you did to them, its the consequences of their doing. She should quit the job, else she will go again to wake him up again, again and again on your back. They will be more cautious not to get caught.

You said she know you wont tolerate any more lies, dont she know that, before she went to his place and banged him?


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

you are rugsweeping, my friend. 

under no circumstances can your wife resume contact of any kind with this so-called "friend".....he's no friend-- BELIEVE THAT! you have to put your foot down, NOW. you're looking like a doormat, right now.

she had a crush on him, and you're still letting her walk out every morning to go meet with him at work? 

like many here have said-- either money, or your marriage. what is more valuable to you.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Money or your marriage. It's your choice.
> 
> So let me get this straight. Your WW continually lied to you and so did OM, and now you believe them?
> 
> ...


I wish I had the clarity of Lord Mayhem. Spot on.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Ok, so a few things to begin with. How many threads did you say you read before coming to the conclusion that your story/situation was unique? Ohh.. zero.. right.. sorry. You are not any different form anyone else dealing with this sh*tty situation. You certainly have a few choices to make, and those will dictate how things end up. They basically fall into two categories, protecting the relationship and family, or refusing to protect it to save face/money/connections what ever other justifications you have for not protecting it/them. 

If you moved into a studio apartment in a bad part of town, had no cable/internet, shared a used car, went on vacations to the local park, and saved every single penny you had left over toward an education and healthcare for your child. You could both work part time at McDonalds and do OK. 

You say your wife loves her job, has she ever had the choice to not love it, or any other job for that matter? Was she always the smart/bright one at her family functions? Does her family have her on a pedestal of perfection? Has she ever been allowed to fail at something and still be accepted and loved? She chose to F*ck another man without protection, putting herself and you at risk for all kinds of nasty Sh*t, HIV/AIDS comes to mind. Does that sound like something a rational person would do? If not, why would you continue to let this irrational person make any decisions about the future of the family? (by staying at this particular job that she loves so much)

I too thought I was an understanding/non jealous husband, until I learned I just sucked at setting healthy boundaries and protecting my relationship, myself, and my wife from harm. I work/d very hard on that part of myself, I still have a long way to go, but I'm making progress.

When you go to bed at night, she is the one sleeping next to you. Not your friends, or hers. Not your brothers or other members of your family or hers. The same is true when you are both stressing over bills, or your child being ill. The opinions of others (external validation) means jack squat in this equation. You are not superman, you will need help, and fostering an environment of secrecy and lies (not being open about the affair) will just reenforce all the negative crap that got you into this mess in the first place. So... for the umpteenth time, expose, expose, expose. The more eyes that watch, the more accountability there has to be. Like any addict, being accountable to loved ones and friends dramatically increases the success rate of recovery, and decreases the chance for relapse.

If your wife became an alcoholic, and worked as a beer taster, would you still be ok with her keeping the job she "loves?"

You sound like an intelligent man, she obviously is an intelligent woman, what on earth makes you think you can trust anything she says? Even if she is being honest, she will go back to the "high" or "rush" of the affair the second the opportunity presents itself. Its just brain chemistry man, I know that sounds shallow, but thats what it is. Do some reading outside of this forum on the topic of addiction. Pay particular attention to opiate and stimulant addiction. Read about the journey to rock bottom, how many people actually die before hitting bottom, and what they are willing to do to satisfy the need to feed the addiction. Compare your findings to the behavior of your wife, then reassess your stance on letting her go back to the job she "loves."

Your story makes you seem like you did the right thing, you confronted, cornered, got a confession.. blah blah blah... you now seem to be adopting the attitude that the bulk of this situation is over, when in reality, a tiny portion, less than 1% of it is actually done. The lengthy part is how you go about mourning the death of your former marriage without getting lost in the pain. Figuring out what parts of your relationship with your wife (and others) were dysfunctional and correcting or removing those parts. Coming up with a way to build a new and healthy relationship on a solid foundation. None of that is possible if you set her up to fail by being "understanding" about her "love" of this job. Try and remind yourself that for the time being, you are the only stable and healthy adult in your household (even though you will feel totally insane once the gravity of what just happened to you begins to sink in) It is your _Responsibility_ to protect your child, and your wife, since neither of them are capable of doing it for themselves right now.

Please take time to read through some of the stuff you will find in the sticked post of this sub forum, as well as the links you will run across in the signatures of the active members of this board.

Good Luck, protect whats left of your relationship, and foster the growth of a new and healthy one. That is the only way forward. Everything else is a slow death.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

If your wife keeps the job because you need the money, then you will lose your wife and the money when she leaves you.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Dude, you have stated that you trust you guts, well so do I, and I know those who have read my previous post in coping, will know i don't say this lightly. GO with your gut and let her keep the job, you know her and him. just verify. No secret PW's on phone, no secrets emails acc's, no trac fones, only complete openness, and if she complain, tell her it's for YOUR healing, and her reestabilishing trust. Remind her of how she laughed in your face everyday, pretending she was snow white, while lusting for him. I'm normally a throw her under the bus type, but something about the way you wrote, spoke to me, now I may be wrong, but I'm a guts type too. I may have went in the wrong direction when listening to them, but they was'nt wrong, of course it may just be my partial native heritiage


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Post--Nup---is akin to a pre--nup

You need the duress clause---which will say, she did NOT sign this under duress, she signed it freely---the one thing that gets a post--nup defeated is that the signer, comes into court saying they were FORCED to sign it

The post--nup, needs to be set up with you getting, everything in a D., settlement, in your favor---such as a 80--20 property split-----she will pay you alimony----you will have at the worst joint custody, and whatever else you wanna put in----it in of itself, hopefully will make her think before she continues/cheats again---and maybe it will keep her on the straight and narrow---if R., is the way you wanna go

I understand your decision about finances---but you must understand---she CANNOT be in contact with this guy---no matter what----so for her to stay at work, something has to be worked out with her boss, that her lover will NOT be there when she is there, and he will not be ALLOWED to have any contact with her whatsoever---obviously, this means her boss will need to know about the A.

Beyond that what has been done in the way of boundaries, accountability, transparency----you may have caught the alleged one and only sex act right away---but where is heart at this time------she was/is in an EA----and emotions do not just go away cold turkey!!!!!!


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

just by letting her work with him, you are losing your self-respect. doesn't that bother you?


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Tenacious D said:


> Well there was no sloppy seconds, I found about it the next day and we were not with one another that night, for what it's worth.


Its worth absolutely nothing and points to your desire for external validation, or seeming to others as being a person who always does the right thing, not matter what. 



> Also I read the sticky but I never saw what a POST--NUP --with a DURESS clause was. Link or explanation? I'm interested.


click here for link 



> It's simply just not in her DNA to just throw away a job, affair or no. I'm not making excuses or disagreeing with the disaster it is with her working there, I'm just making a statement that I know to be fact based on her *insane* work ethic pre-affair in the last 10 years when things were *happy.*


The words happy and insane do not usually fit in well with each other. Please dont confuse a functional addiction with a strong work ethic, the word _ethic_ is used intentionally in that phrase



> So the methods here are the only blue print for success?
> 
> I honestly don't know the answer to that,


That certainly doesnt stop you from having one, now does it? (see below)



> I'd like to think that as humans we all posses the ability to recover from egregious mistakes in different ways and it's not always as simple as a bunch of cheating definitions that are to always be applied to everyone no matter what


I get this odd feeling that you do not like being, or admitting to being, wrong. I am making an assumption and a slight generalization based on what you posted in an emotional and defensive state, but I think in the long run, this is whats going to doom your efforts.

The vast majority of this community deeply care about healthy relationships. They take time out of their lives to give advice about a painful topic that most of them endured from one side or the other. They dont get paid, or become famous for doing it.

As with all things in life, there are many perspectives and possibilities. No one is asking you to take what is being said to you as gospel. However, you are being asked to suspend the "i know best, because I lived with her" attitude, in favor of a more open minded and understanding one. A trait you claim to posses. 

The best approach, in my opinion, is to take the information you learn here, and bounce it off of your independent counselor (if you dont have one yet, get on it) that will give you time to absorb the info thats being presented, and then be asked to consider it from a different perspective by a person who is getting paid to listen to you talk.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

This is a switch. Usually it's the hard working spouse who works long hours in order to provide for the family who gets cheated on and is treated like a bag of fast disappearing money.
The ball is in your court, but you need to figure out just what your "friend" provided her that you don't. If it's something you will never have, then it's time to leave her.
If you choose to stay with her, you best get use to doubting everything she says or does because she's already proved she can't be trusted.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Her turnaround seems to be pretty quick for a betrayal as big as hers. I would really be concerned if it did really end. It might have but there are many stories where the betrayed party was often blindsided after initially believing that the affair has ended. 

And your friend is a scumbag. He is not your friend. Cut him off from your life. Your wife is much worse. How can you trust her after this? Have you even considered separation? Maybe she is acting nice because she is scared about you exposing her to your friend's father. Maybe she is biding time so that she can exit at a more convenient time. I think that would be a good thing. It was him that made the relationship develop between them. Talk to him and expose your wife and his son to the father.

She can have affairs at her new job if she wants to. And next time, she will be more careful. Find out why she had the affair in the first place. It is not if she is manipulated into one. She actively pursued and engaged in one. This tells me that there are deeper issues in the marriage. And to pursue it with your friend is absolutely the worst.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

The part where you two are talking about having to lose him and she crys but does not cry over possibly losing you......:scratchhead: HUGE RED FLAG!!!! Heck she was the instigator and wanted to continue it until caught.

Now you don't know if she still thinks of him(of course she will deny it and even state she hates him etc) when you have sex. 

And as he see's her at work, he can have sexual flashbacks as he visually undresses her each time he sees her.....she can and will also!!!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I get the money issue but you are rug sweeping. Your wife needs to leave her job. If she is as good as you say she is and if she is at the top of her game then finding another job should be quick and easy. If you continue in this same situation and she continues to work with the OM I will tell you that it is highly likely that the A will continue. What happens if she leaves you for this dude? What happens to your financial future? You will have none, nothing. Imagine this. As you talk to your right hand, Hey, my wife was cheating on me but it was the owner's son and he is my buddy and told me everything and feels guilty and they told me it stopped. You know my wife was expecting a big bonus, higher pay and was going places. It is such a shame that now 5 months later I am divorced, she got the kid, is pregnant, enjoying her new romance, her boss is so happy for his son and future daughter in law, and her I sit in my trailer talking to my right hand.

If it was me I would expose it to the family of the business and let the chips fall where they fall. If you are serious about saving your marriage then you both can find jobs that you can at least survive.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Here's an analogy to what you're basically saying


"A recovering drug addict should be fine with being a dealer since the money is good. He said he knows drugs are bad and he won't be tempted to use again."


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Here's an analogy to what you're basically saying
> 
> 
> "A recovering drug addict should be fine with being a dealer since the money is good. He said he knows drugs are bad and he won't be tempted to use again."


and before you accuse me of using hyperbole I want you to consider this-


when our brains get fed serotonin and dopamine in high doses we become addicted to getting that "rush"

drug addicts use chemicals to raise those levels
gamblers use betting on chance to raise those levels
compulsive buyers use new and exciting purchases to raise those levels
PEOPLE ENGAGED IN AFFAIRS USE THEIR SECRET EXCITING LOVE TRYSTS TO RAISE THOSE LEVELS


now I would hope that you agree that a drug addict in order to recover can no longer use or be around drugs again, a gambler would stay away from bookies and casinos, and a shop-o-holic would cancel credit cards and block QVC from their cable channels.

so what do you think it takes for a person engaged in a affair to do in order to recover?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

not to pile on here but...


Like you my wife was involved in a work place affair
Like you my wife did a lot of the pursuing
Like you my wife did not quit her job at first and I did not ask her as I didn't know any better and thought her going NC at work would be okay


it took a month before my wife made that sacrifice of quitting because she saw what that paranoia did to me, that month was hellish. (and believe me when I say that my wife is somewhat of a rarity when it comes to waywards being remorseful based on what I read here) To this day I still wonder if there was contact or not at work as I had no way of knowing or ever finding out. As much as I want to believe my wife and as much as I have recovered a huge chunk of trust back with her I still wouldn't bet more than $5 that there was no contact whatsoever. That mistake of not having her quit her job right away as a condition of R is one of the biggest regrets I have. That and not exposing to OMW right away.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Of course she doesn't want to leave the job. That's where she gets to spend every day with her BF - the man she craves to be with. Duh!

She threw your marriage, family, and HER job away when she pursued him and gave herself to him. They all ended at that moment. You now longer had a wife who was bound to you in a vow, you had a woman you were living with how has turned you away in favor of Billy.

-----

Your wife threw herself at him. She pursued and gave herself to you. She left your bed that morning to go be with him.

And her only regret is that he used her a couple of times but didn't want her any more.

Billy, likely found her ok to have sex with, but he was smart enough to realize that he can do so much better than a cheating woman with a little kid he'd have to support too. 

He judged her and found her unworthy of him even using for more sex.

And her only regret here is that SHE was rejected by him.

Right now the only reason your wife is not in bed with him, and leaving you and taking your daughter is that Billy doesn't want her.

She gets to be with him every day at work, and she gets to try to convince him that he should give her another chance - that she can be good for him.

You need to wake up and realize that he affair hasn't ended at all. Billy is just refusing to have sex with her (for the moment). She apparently still wants to - so she will be pushing at him and looking for an opportunity.

And you are giving her that chance every day. You are essentially letting her buy your acceptance of her doing this, with some money that the job is paying her.

If this is the ONLY job your wife can get - then she needs to change careers ASAP because she is in a dead end job apparently since according to you there is no other place she could work. - I call BS on that. She's telling you this so that you will support her going to work and being with Billy.

She has twisted things to talk you into condoning her continued affair.

You think you're keeping you marriage and doing right by your daughter here - but the truth is your wife is gone. She is no longer being your wife, she is a woman pursuing another man who is rejecting her. She has simply talked you into staying around until she can achieve her goal of getting Billy to take your place.

Oh, btw - now that she's discovered she likes cheating - it's also likely down the road that even if she doesn't get Billy again, that she will find another guy to pursue. She knows she can do this because there have been NO consequences at all for her ending the marriage and throwing herself at another man. None at all. 

She threw herself at him, the only bad thing that happened was that he rejected her after a couple of times. That's the ONLY thing.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I will add my agreement to all the previous posters. It's the job or the marriage. Look around on TAM and tell me one case where the cheater who had a workplace affair stayed at the job and there was a successful reconciliation? Just one. Please? Anyone?

You won't find it because IT NEVER HAPPENS!

She is either still carrying on the affair or they are just taking a breather until you lower your guard again.

On the positive note, WHEN (not if) you get divorced you can ask HER for alimony since she is making so much money at this job and its obviously what you care most about.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Her turnaround seems to be pretty quick for a betrayal as big as hers. I would really be concerned if it did really end. It might have but there are many stories where the betrayed party was often blindsided after initially believing that the affair has ended. ***
> 
> She can have affairs at her new job if she wants to. And next time, she will be more careful. Find out why she had the affair in the first place. It is not if she is manipulated into one. She actively pursued and engaged in one. This tells me that there are deeper issues in the marriage. And to pursue it with your friend is absolutely the worst.


PLEASE listen to this. Everyone thinks their situation is different. But if you read the threads here, you will get so po'd because you'll realize it's as if they were zombies in a horror movie, inevitably doing the SAME THINGS over and over in too many cases to count. Your wife is HUMAN and this situation is more than she will be able to overcome by sheer willpower. How can you think she has any, when she clearly just threw all of it out the window???




ShootMePlz! said:


> The part where you two are talking about having to lose him and she crys but does not cry over possibly losing you......:scratchhead: HUGE RED FLAG!!!! Heck she was the instigator and wanted to continue it until caught.


My husband told me he was NC. He cried harder than I've ever seen him do before in his life. Bawling like a baby. He was NOT crying because he was sorry--even if he was a lot sorry. He was crying because he was separated from a woman he thought was the love of his life. (He doesn't think that any more...funny how that works.) 

But at the time, he was in a kind of bond that he found tremendously difficult to overcome. _Mere threats_ of divorce and exposure to his parents weren't enough. And so 4 weeks later he was back in contact with her and stayed that way through 8 mos of MC and didn't end it until I discovered it 3 years later. YEARS. This is what you risk when you trust that it's NC and they'd never betray you....AGAIN.

You know what's so hard when you're a BS? You made VOWS of fidelity with this person. You planned to spend the rest of your life with them. You gave them your heart, mind, and body. Why did you do that? Because you trusted them.

Right now, she is NOT herself. In order to have sex with this man, your FRIEND, she had to overcome so many barriers to get there--you can hardly count them. She had to compartmentalize (create two separate mental lives) and LIE to you. This is her way of life now. She is not going to "snap out of it" from the shock of her betrayal to you right away. It's just not humanly possible.

DO NOT BELIEVE EITHER ONE OF THEM RIGHT NOW. As long as they are near each other their intoxication is too powerful to resist. What more evidence do you need of this than the fact that they committed the ultimate betrayal? Please listen to the advice and guard your heart.

Far more than money, your daughter needs a STRONG DAD who sets a GOOD EXAMPLE of how to live an upright life. HER future is at stake here. Years later you will look back and wish you had thrown all the money from your wife's job in the TOILET rather than make the foolish choice of letting this all remain secret and her job with him to continue.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Marriage or this job. She can get another of either. You are pimping her out if you go for the money. But this will not last too very long. She probably will become part of that family at some point. Maybe marry into it or just be the GF.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

If you didn't find it now, what they might have been doing now? will they end it voluntarily? do you believe that? They will be banging each other and she might have said its nothing of a big deal and they are only friends as she lied to you on your face when you caught her first, did she came clean when you caught her NO, she lied to you,told you there was not sex, when you went to call him only she accepted that they had sex twice. Are you sure only twice? She is a liar and a cheat, she cheated you when she was professing her love for OM and smiled at you, when you were having sex and he was in her mind. Every time they see each other the glorious mind movies of them together undressing banging playing with others privates are going to be there in both of their mind. How you are expecting them to hold back their crush for each other?

Tell her till you feel comfortable and dealt with the emotional roller coaster the marriage is under suspension, put your marriage on the table and find the reasons for her horrible choices she made, try to fix it first, if you can. till then let the marriage be under suspension. Let she do what ever needed for regain your trust back, let she help you to overcome your pain. Her choice made this pain, its her duty to straighten everything to be married to you. Dont take any decision to Reconcile soon, unless you dealt with your pain, anger, trust issues, and her being really remorseful and wanting the marriage to salvage.

If you rug sweep it, she dont have any reason to stop her affair. even if she stopped it for a while it will flourish on your back soon. They will be more careful not to get caught. Even if she quit the job she will do the same at their. Once a cheater is always a cheater. If you didn't deal it properly she will cheat on you in future also.

Why she chased him down, was it only for sex? or Are you lacking in this department? Normally OM chase down the WS, here the things went opposite why? find out first.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Let's assume the unlikely and that she and Billy keep their relationship as business only


You will never know if that's true or not


it will eat away at you

I don't care if you have a camera crew follow her around at all times. You will still wonder and worry and get paranoid ("she disappeared into the bathroom for 10 minutes!! Is she leaving code on the wall for Billy to read?!?!") 

It will eat away at you

You can fool yourself into believing them for most of the time, but you will always have that lingering doubt.

It will eat away at you

That's the very reason why verification (aka spying) post-affair is essential. It takes away the guess work to a degree and helps re-establish trust again. But if she works there with him then you will never have that verification. Even those of us who have verified no contact have a hard time getting over the hump to regaining trust as paranoid thoughts invade our thoughts for 2-5 years. That doubt when they work together will eat away at you and one day you find that you can't take it anymore.

Thus if you truly want a proper R then she has to quit. I don't see it happening any other way.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This just pisses me off. Your wife pursued a friend of yours, over and over until he finally gave in. Then she let him cum inside her. My guess is when he was about to finish, she held on for it, because she was so turned on by him. 

And how do you know it stopped before you caught the phone texts? You caught the texts, she admitted some stuff, dove at the phone so you wouldn't call him, THEN you called to confront him, THEN he said he didn't want to pursue it anymore.

What if you didn't call him? My bet is they would still be f*cking, and he'd be still finishing inside of her. 

How does that sound? Still want them working together every day? If you don't put your foot down and demand one of them quit the job, then you deserve what happens to you.

Okay, now that's off my chest (sorry, I know that sounded horrible, but that's exactly what this is), I am very sorry this has happened to you. Please heed the advice on this board. The first person you need to talk to is the father/owner. Have a meeting with him and tell him what happened, and that one of the following has to happen.

1) wife is fired
2) Billy is fired
3) both are fired
4) they are kept on but on altering schedules or not in the same location
5) you will be dragging your W through a messy divorce

You could even bring your W with you into the meeting, fess up together. That's probably a pipe dream, but boy would that be an honorable gesture from your W if she's serious about reconciling.

Good luck.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

I am confused on how you can assume this NC at work will work when:

The time they had sex was premeditated- she texted him, attempting to get him up for work, offerred herself, and he laid there for x-amount of minutes awaiting your wife's arrival to his bed! He is not remorseful it happened, he had the door open waiting for her. This was not supur of the molment act here, it was planned and executed. 

I agree this needs to be exposed to his father (boss) so if she does stay at this job, he will not request her to do anything "unprofessional" as "go wake up my son for work" again.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

By the way, Billy sounds like a total loser. Womanizer. Living off of Daddy. Needs to be woken up to be on time for work?? Seriously? 

Some friend.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So the only way you "know" they are not still having SEX is that he told you he wasn't going to do that anymore.

Seriously - you believe him? Believe him because he told you so?

You do realize that NOTHING has changed in your wife except that you found out? Nothing? She still has the same feelings for Billy, she is still pursuing him.

If he hasn't kept sleeping with her - he will. He will get horny one day and decide why not, she's ready and willing, so why not.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> As much as I want to believe my wife and as much as I have recovered a huge chunk of trust back with her I still wouldn't bet more than $5 that there was no contact whatsoever


Scars of betrayal, aren't they. And to think that your is R is good by any standards


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Maybe the father will think that the OPs wife will make a good companion for his son? He may not care about the OPs marriage at all especially if he is enamored with the OPs wife. A stable woman to settle down his directionless son? A nice new addition to his family? Give him lots of beautiful grandchildren? Now if we could just get rid of that pesky husband of hers. Oh I know, Billy gets her pregnant. Her husband will divorce her then. Yeah that will work.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Maybe the father will think that the OPs wife will make a good companion for his son? He may not care about the OPs marriage at all especially if he is enamored with the OPs wife. A stable woman to settle down his directionless son? A nice new addition to his family? Give him lots of beautiful grandchildren? Now if we could just get rid of that pesky husband of hers. Oh I know, Billy gets her pregnant. Her husband will divorce her then. Yeah that will work.


A reasonable chance this was always the plan. I mean asking her to text this guy every morning?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> My wife is very attractive so it's no surprise she finally wore him down.


What a pathetic excuse. You don't do that to friends unless you think he is a no good loser.




> Maybe the father will think that the OPs wife will make a good companion for his son? He may not care about the OPs marriage at all especially if he is enamored with the OPs wife. A stable woman to settle down his directionless son? A nice new addition to his family? Give him lots of beautiful grandchildren? Now if we could just get rid of that pesky husband of hers. Oh I know, Billy gets her pregnant. Her husband will divorce her then. Yeah that will work.


Now that you guys mention it, the father intentions do seem suspect but if it is indeed the case and the wife agrees, he is better off without her anyway


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Maybe the father will think that the OPs wife will make a good companion for his son? He may not care about the OPs marriage at all especially if he is enamored with the OPs wife. A stable woman to settle down his directionless son? A nice new addition to his family? Give him lots of beautiful grandchildren? Now if we could just get rid of that pesky husband of hers. Oh I know, Billy gets her pregnant. Her husband will divorce her then. Yeah that will work.


Beowulf might be on to the evil genius plan. Maybe the dad is doing this. The meeting I suggest would flesh that out real quick. And Billy didn't want to hurt his buddy, at first, but is really weak, so he did it, and now feels horrible about it. But the temptation will always be in his face if they both work there, and will likely "get weak" again.

Sh*t, it was hard enough being friendly with my wife's x BF from high school, knowing he had sex with her before she knew me. I can't imagine ever seeing this dude again.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Now that you guys mention it, the father intentions do seem suspect but if it is indeed the case and the wife agrees, he is better off without her anyway


I know many women will not want to hear this but hypergamy is real. Especially strong in women with poor boundaries and low morals. I think the OPs wife saw a chance to upgrade and get in with the family that owns the business. Or should that be let the business get into her. Dare I say it but maybe she was looking to get pregnant?


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

> My wife is very attractive so it's no surprise she finally wore him down.


You seem pretty eager to give "Billy" a pass, here.

Yes, yes, bad economy, you need the money and all of that.

But what do you need more- money or your wife?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I also second JNJ's advise that you obtain a post-nupt because the courts still have a strong female bias even in the cases where the husband has been the primary care giver. If your wife knows that she's going to have to pay you alimony and child support through the nose, she is going to know that she will be facing severe financial consequences if you catch her again cheating and file for divorce.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

It's very clear that most people have a very iladvised understanding of what a post-nup can and can't do - forgetting the fact that they are treated very differently in each of the fifty states......and the no duress clause, no such thing in reality, easily thrown out if the post-nup if the post-nup was required for reconciliation - especially easy to void if the finances are seen as lopsided. In regards to child custody - the well being and best situation and interest is paramount to the courts - a post-nup will not stand against that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> It's very clear that most people have a very iladvised understanding of what a post-nup can and can't do - forgetting the fact that they are treated very differently in each of the fifty states......and the no duress clause, no such thing in reality, easily thrown out if the post-nup if the post-nup was required for reconciliation - especially easy to void if the finances are seen as lopsided. In regards to child custody - the well being and best situation and interest is paramount to the courts - a post-nup will not stand against that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In other words, post nups aren't worth the paper they're written on. Geez, and the fWW wants to sign one for me to make things right. I guess I won't even bother if the courts are just going to decide things on their own and throw out the post nup


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> I will add my agreement to all the previous posters. It's the job or the marriage. Look around on TAM and tell me one case where the cheater who had a workplace affair stayed at the job and there was a successful reconciliation? Just one. Please? Anyone?
> 
> You won't find it because IT NEVER HAPPENS!.


I am going to be in the minority here I guess...

Husbands affair was with a co-worker. He never quit, she still works there, 5 years later, 4 years after NC email was sent. He even printed the NC email, went to HR and had them put in in her file. 

H and myself are both in IT so are very computer litterate. There were alot of things put in place to help put my mind at ease that there was NC, but it was total hell trying to deal with this on my end. But the total transperency really helped. Doesn't mean I didn't give him hell every day for about 2 & 1/2 years...but hey, if he wanted to stay at that place then he had to deal with it!!

He is now a manager making excellent money that probably wouldn't have happened if he quit as quitting at the time was RIGHT at the beginning of the "recession" in 2008. Trying to find an IT job from 2008-2010 was nearly impossible (I know b/c I hated my job at the time and was trying to find a new one and we have basically the same skillset) 

Maybe there is still an affair going on after all of these years. Maybe they bang on lunch still like they used to. I can 100% say I don't believe that...but maybe I am just stupid...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> In other words, post nups aren't worth the paper they're written on. Geez, and the fWW wants to sign one for me to make things right. I guess I won't even bother if the courts are just going to decide things on their own and throw out the post nup


at least the fact that she is willing to do it speaks to her willingness to help you trust again


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Tenacious D said:


> As far as self respect, I have plenty that's why I'm here asking questions.


If this was true you wouldn't be on here, you'd be filing for a divorce.

Odds are she is still hung up on the OM, those feelings don't go away overnight no matter what she tells you. She aggressively went after him and completely disrespected you. 

To stay with or at least not consider filing is to sacrifice your dignity. She clearly just sees you as a safety net and if you rug sweep this don't be too shocked if you end up right back in this boat again.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> It's very clear that most people have a very iladvised understanding of what a post-nup can and can't do - forgetting the fact that they are treated very differently in each of the fifty states......and the no duress clause, no such thing in reality, easily thrown out if the post-nup if the post-nup was required for reconciliation - especially easy to void if the finances are seen as lopsided. In regards to child custody - the well being and best situation and interest is paramount to the courts - a post-nup will not stand against that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then he should contact a divorce attorney for the state he lives in to find out what a post-nupt can or can't do for him. Your advice is good but cannot replace that of a divorce attorney that practices law where the OP lives.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Dude! If she cheats on you again and files for divorce, you are not going to be prepared for it. Get some legal counseling from a divorce attorney regarding your situation and your options.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you have to let her remain in her job make sure you get a post nup signed. Also make sure there is no password, email, text, phone you do not ha e access to, work or otherwise. Keep a hidden Var in her car and gps it and her phone (secretly).

As far as your ex friend, let him know everyone in the world will know what he has done to his friend if he ever even thinks about your wife again and you find out about it. You will use the internet facebook etc to get the word out and you will never let it die. Send him a link to cheaterville.com and show him where he will end up. Let him know anytime someone googles his name, what they will see is him on a cheaters website with details and his picture.
Then tell him to go f+ck himself.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> As far as your ex friend, let him know everyone in the world will know what he has done to his friend if he ever even thinks about your wife again and you find out about it.


why sould he wait till this POS crosses the line again? expose him for what he is, already.

btw-- he needs to cease calling him "friend." as the old addage goes "with friends like these, who needs enemies."


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

cledus_snow said:


> why sould he wait till this POS crosses the line again? expose him for what he is, already.
> 
> btw-- he needs to cease calling him "friend." as the old addage goes "with friends like these, who needs enemies."


My thought was to keep this hanging over his head in order to ensure good behavior, Blackmail if you will. LOL


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Your situation is not unique. Many affairs with coworkers where quitting would cause great hardship. This is not some unique situation where continued contact will be OK.

If your wife continues to work there, the affair will start up again. The situation is all very new and painful right now, perhaps it is true that they both are avoiding each other on the job and are feeling guilty and remorseful. That will not last. Very, very quickly they will fall back into a routine, the feelings of guilt and remorse will become dulled very quickly, and they will begin to think about the great sex they had Friday and will be very tempted to do it again. The next time you will not catch them until they are both deeply involved emotionally and physically.

If your wife continues to work there it will be a very painful way for you to live, constantly monitoring, wondering, suspecting, re-living how they had sex. You will not be able to get over it, you
will be constantly reminded of it, and it will drive a wedge between you and your wife, thwart any chance you have at reconciliation.

You do not seem ready for this, but the truth is *you may not be able to save your marriage no matter what you do*. Your wife pursued and bedded your so-called friend. She and he would have continued indefinitely if you had not caught them. I guarantee you, whatever caused her to do this is not fixed just because you found out. *You definitely will not be able to save your marriage if you allow her to continue having contact with the other man*.

Your wife must begin to look for new employment immediately. She must show you what she is doing to try to find another job.

In the meantime, you must let all of the other man's family members know about the affair. They will serve as your eyes and ears on the job and their disapproval will influence your wife and the other man to end the affair. The fact that their affair is not a secret will remove a large part of the "thrill" of the affair. Do not warn your wife or the other man that you are exposing the affair to the other man's relatives on the job. Tell them after the fact.

Have your wife handwrite a "no contact" letter to the other man. The letter should state how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior and how terrible she feels for risking the two things she values most in life, her husband and her family. The letter should state that all contact at work must be kept to a minimum as to what is absolutely required by the job and that anything more will be construed by her be sexual harassment, for which she will not hesitate to sue the company.

Your wife must give you complete access to all communication devices and accounts and she must account for her whereabouts to you 24/7.

You and your wife must stop all contact with the other man and his family outside of work.

Despite all of the remorse and guilt you say the two cheaters have displayed, assume all of their words are lies, except to the extent that they are backed up by actions.

I know you are not ready to do any of these things yet. This is 
all too new to you and you think you and your wife's situation is unique and that the advice I've given her is way over the top. Your wife is a smart successful woman who always has been able to exercise self-discipline when needed (well, almost always).

Please, just keep in mind that your wife was the one doing the pursuing, and not just of anybody, but of your good friend whom you helped out so much in the past. And she only ended it because you caught her (actually, you ended it, I don't think she ever told the other man that she no longer is interested in him).

So, do it your way for now. I do not mean to sound harsh, I really am trying to help you.

But please keep my advice in mind for the next time.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

chapparal said:


> My thought was to keep this hanging over his head in order to ensure good behavior, Blackmail if you will. LOL


But chap, the OP has already said that all his friends already know he is a womanizer and a shiftless bum. His own father has the OPs wife making sure he gets out of bed in the morning (well not that morning she joined him in bed) so he will "remember" to come to work. Exposure to him means nothing. The OPs wife needs to quit that job and go NC now or his marriage is over.


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## t_hopper_2012 (Apr 17, 2012)

Unfortunately, I have to agree with those that have dire predictions about this situation. 1) The wife pursued and bedded another man, 2) She said repeatedly that it's over because the OM said it's over - not because SHE realizes that she made a huge mistake and that she loves her husband and family.

You've got to widen the exposure and talk to the OM's father and brothers (in addition to the other members of the wife's family).


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> His own father has the OPs wife making sure he gets out of bed in the morning *(well not that morning she joined him in bed)* so he will "remember" to come to work.


nice one, Beowulf. 

seriously.....this guy is like 30 years-old and still needs a wake-up call.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Any updates?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

was it a troll or he is afraid to ask her to quit the job? May be if he ask her to quit the job she will quit the marriage, Why should she stay in this marriage when Biily is waiting for her to wake him up by a sweet oral.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> was it a troll or he is afraid to ask her to quit the job?


Never know really, but it seems legit enough to me. He said he was going to bed and would check back in the am.

Yes, he's afraid to ask to her to quit her job. I get that, but OP needs to get over that real quick.

OP - Dude. We understand the thoughts in your head, and that you want to believe her "remorse" as badly as you do. But this will pass in time when you realize you *can't* believe her going forward. Best to be proactive. You're not trying to destroy her (and your) previous life, I get that, but she has already put a bullet in it. Question is if she does anything to remove it and heal before "her life" and "your marriage " are dead. You're on life support now either way, better off taking charge of the situation from a strong stance, instead of trying to keep things the same "for the future". You very well may have no future with her at this point (as your wife at least) and if you sweep this to try to maintain the status quo you'll be in for a rude awakening shortly down the line when you realize how little respect you're showing yourself and your marriage by pretending to make it go away with no consequences for her actions.

Pretty much all of us BSs went through the dreamland version of how it will get better, and how our wayward spouse is different. I even tried to entertain R with my xw in my head for a while after leaving her, and she never actually broke down and begged for anything - just to give you an idea of how much we can delude ourselves when betrayed. Some people work it out with heavy actionable consequences to their wayward spouse, but this is all so new and shocking to you that you are still in a place of wanting to make it go away as fast as possible (** This is because you're afraid to lose her...hard to swallow, but *stop being afraid*. Life will go on). Still doesn't change what she did. At the very least your marriage will never be even close to what you thought you had before.

Take action and don't presume you're being told the truth. She's not the sweet girl you married right now, she's a cheater and a liar. And liars lie. Especially when caught lying. You can't believe a word she says until she takes real action to repair this. So far she's cried and told you it's over. Not to be crass, but "whoopity-doo". Do not let this go, man. She'll respect you even less than she does now.


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## Hank567 (Apr 23, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> You do not seem ready for this, but the truth is *you may not be able to save your marriage no matter what you do*.
> 
> *You definitely will not be able to save your marriage if you allow her to continue having contact with the other man*.


This.


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## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

Doesn't the idea of your wife being even in the same building, let alone working side by side, with the OM drive you crazy? Make you feel insulted and disrespected? Do you really think you'll have any ounce of peace throughout the day when she is at work? Do you think you'll ever be able to know what really goes on at work and elsewhere as your wife works with the OM? AlmostRecovered put it best. It will simply make you INSANE, not to mention destroy your self confidence and self respect. Stand up for yourself here, money be damned. My situation was very similar to yours. I'm currently out of work (serious injury) and in the process of transitioning careers. My wife finished her second degree and began her's. She is the breadwinner right now. Her AP and her met at a job where she was getting training. The AP actually did much to help her get a sweet job ready for her for when she was done her apprenticeship. It was her "dream job" and one very difficult to get, given the economy. It also happened to be at the same place where the AP worked. When the A came to light she simply could not work there. Maybe we're different here, but it was a complete deal breaker for me. I simply could not stand the idea of her giving even the most innocuous or platonic second of her time to him ever again. She understood this, to a degree, but I knew she felt slight resentment for having to pass on this glorious job opportunity. She felt the A was so over, her feelings for him destroyed by the effect of the A coming to light etc (just as your wife claims) that she could work there and limit her interaction with him to sheer business professionalism. Me, I simply said no. That was my condition for reconciliation. Having worked on reconciliation she know openly acknowledges (whereas before she did so reluctantly at best) the necessity of switching work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

Part of it is her self recognition of her feelings for him subsiding as more time goes by without any contact, and thus recognizing that had contact been maintained those feelings would've persisted. Now she doesn't feel any qualms about switching jobs. She recognizes its necessity. But this is only because of time with NC has helped clear up the fog she was in. Your wife is still in that fog, even if she acts remorseful. Even if she sincerely wants no more infidelity, she needs to remove herself from any contact with the OM in order to les the fog dissipate. As of now she really is like a drug addict, and even with the best intentions she will end up cheating with him again. Let me tell you another story. After Dday one my wife tearfully apologized for the A etc etc but maintained contact with him. She told him at that time they could only be friends, and for a short while they were. But it didn't take long before they were back at it. Then can Dday two, one month after the first one. After Dday two (i caught her) the A really ended but it was only because this time I ended it properly, on my terms, with absolute NC and with the threat of divorce hanging in the air should she break that. Only then was she able to cold turkey and break her addiction. I tell you this because the way you propose handling this is setting you up for failure. She will cheat again except you might not find out at all or you'll be TTed the entire time. If the latter expect much more pain and mess than you're had so far.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

I will also say people tend to over state the direness of quitting their job. I know the economy is tough but this isn't pakistan and there is some work out there. My wife, for instance, and thank you lord, found a almost usually attractive job within a month or so. If you're wife is so amazing at her job as you describe i'm sure there are other businesses out there who would be happy to take her on board. Maybe the gig won't be as lucrative, maybe you'll have to downside the family car, but you'll land on your feet...with a healthy marriage to boot
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> But chap, the OP has already said that all his friends already know he is a womanizer and a shiftless bum. His own father has the OPs wife making sure he gets out of bed in the morning (well not that morning she joined him in bed) so he will "remember" to come to work. Exposure to him means nothing. The OPs wife needs to quit that job and go NC now or his marriage is over.


My response was based on the idea that I do not believe he will make his wife quit her job and this may be the second best thing.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

chapparal said:


> My response was based on the idea that I do not believe he will make his wife quit her job and this may be the second best thing.


If he doesn't insist she leave her job they're done anyway.


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