# Am I Oversensitive?



## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

I took my wife to a high-end all-inclusive resort in Mexico for 4 days to celebrate our 20th. The place was awesome, the weather perfect. During our time there, she posted pics to social media of the place, her toes in the sand, etc. with captions of things like “love this place”, “why do we live where it gets cold?”, etc. Nothing about us or our marriage, tho we had both taken several selfies of the two of us - which didn’t bother me at all. 

On our last afternoon, we noticed a dude offering to take pictures of other couples on the beach, so I hit the guy up. He took a pic of the two of us standing at the water’s edge, from about 20 feet away. Sweet pic, where you see the ocean, and the two of us but not close up. We’re both wearing bathing suits - she in a tasteful and very modest bikini. She’s showing zero cleavage and was one of the most modestly dressed women out there. 

I decided to do something as a loving surprise. I posted that pic to social media, since she looked great (tho modest) and it was the only pic of the trip of the two of us taken from a distance. I captioned it with words like “Here’s to us on our 20th - love you babe”. Here’s how little I understand women, tho I live with 4 of them (3 daughters). I actually thought this gesture would be well received! I could not have been more wrong...

Minutes later we’re sitting at our last lunch before we leave for the airport and I tell her I have something I want to show you, and showed her the post. She immediately got angry and DEMANDED I take it down at once. I was simply in shock at this. I deleted it as she demanded. She said I had no right to post that without her permission, and then got mad that I should have known better, since she had covered herself in a towel when she walked up to the snacks area to get some chips. 

I felt insulted & bewildered at the same time. She now says she didn’t like how she looked. That because she’s had surgeries & babies that no one should see her body. That the picture was only ever meant for our “private collection”. I’m being 100% honest when I say she looks great. She’s in shape, not fat AT ALL and likely makes other women her age envious. I SO don’t get it. 

But what’s STILL eating at me is what I’ve concluded about her value system. There were two things at play here: (1) her husband publically celebrating her & our marriage to the world and (2) her (apparently) negative self-image. But when these two things came into conflict, there was no contests at all. Her image won out, hands down. And this grieves me - in my mind this is absolute proof she values how the world sees her as far more valuable than the celebration of our marriage by her husband. 

I’m also feeling like I’m back to zero understanding women. I so would have guesses a woman would have loved her husband to make a post like I did. 

Am I over sensitive? Am I wrong to still be ticked about this 3 days later?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So your wife is sensitive about her body. What's loving is your understanding that she feels that way and respecting it.

Don't you have some photos from the trip are not exposing as much. This is an opportunity for you to learn some things about her self image, show her the not so revealing pictures that she's in. Tell her that you really want to let folks know how much you love her and so which ones would she be ok about you posting.

You clearly meant no harm. But how did you not know that she's this sensitive?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gr8ful1 said:


> *I’m also feeling like I’m back to zero understanding women. *I so would have guesses a woman would have loved her husband to make a post like I did.
> 
> Am I over sensitive? Am I wrong to still be ticked about this 3 days later?


This is not about you understanding women. Women are unique people. We don't all think alike.

This I about you not understanding your wife and even knowing that she's sensitive about all the changes that your body has been through over the years.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Social media is just awful to me. I don't get the constant need for attention. I hate to look at my feed and see the same people posting selfies with duck lips or grimaces. It makes me cringe for them. I regularly think about closing our family account, but don't because that is the only way we hear of some homeschool activities.

Rather than simply living the moment and enjoying it, people want to tell everyone about it, even down to pictures of their lunch! Arg! 

It sounds like your wife was more interested in bragging to her friends than she was in actually being with you.

That being said, I do understand that your wife might have been upset by you posting a picture of her in her bikini. She is modest and covered up every time she got up to get a drink. Obviously she doesn't want the people at the beach to see her without her towel, and it makes sense that would extend to her FB friends who are not at the beach.

You should have posted one of the two of you fully dressed. Or perhaps one of just your faces while at the beach, with the sand, ocean and sky behind you. If she got upset about one of those pictures, I'd definitely think she had a problem.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

Women are unique for sure. I would have been exactly like your wife though. It might have been sweet but there are far too many people on social media who I do not want nor need to see my body. Especially without me posting it personally.

Like, my employers go over my social media pages often times. I don't need them looking at my bikini pics and I carefully curate and monitor who can see what on my page.

Also, sometimes what my husband finds flattering I find hideous. I don't know why and while in private I don't care if he's got it on his phone, I don't want to be tagged in something that I find bad.

To take it to the place of "my wife values her self image more than our marriage," you are valuing posting a picture over your wife's feelings. I'm sure there is compromise to be had as along as you talk it out.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Don't you have some photos from the trip are not exposing as much. This is an opportunity for you to learn some things about her self image, show her the not so revealing pictures that she's in. Tell her that you really want to let folks know how much you love her and so which ones would she be ok about you posting.


At this point I'm done ever posting pics of her again. Not out of spite, but clearly I don't understand what's acceptable and what's not.



EleGirl said:


> But how did you not know that she's this sensitive?


This is new. I've posted pics before without issue, even last summer.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Araucaria said:


> Social media is just awful to me. I don't get the constant need for attention.



I post to social media about 3-4 times a year. In my ignorance, I did this thinking she'd appreciate my celebrating our marriage.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

FrenchFry said:


> To take it to the place of "my wife values her self image more than our marriage," you are valuing posting a picture over your wife's feelings. I'm sure there is compromise to be had as along as you talk it out.



Ok, I stand corrected. I was completely wrong for doing it. I don't value a pic more than my wife's feelings. And I guessed I deserved the hammer.

Solution: no more postings, ever again. Simple.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gr8ful1 said:


> At this point I'm done ever posting pics of her again. Not out of spite, but clearly I don't understand what's acceptable and what's not.
> 
> 
> 
> This is new. I've posted pics before without issue, even last summer.


Pics of her in a 2 piece bathing suit?


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

well i dont know if the above assessments are correct or not. Only you can answer if your wife is hyper sensitive about what her body looks like.

But answer this......she is so "horrified" to have that picture posted, yet she isnt ashamed to be SEEN that when when out in public?\

Sorry, but the logical male side of me says THIS DOESNT MAKE ANY SENSE.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Pics of her in a 2 piece bathing suit?


Pics in a 1 piece. This “bikini” she was wearing is nearly a 1-piece, as the top had a significant section that came down, only showing a small section of her belly button area. She’s had a tummy-tuck after having babies (she wanted) and her stomach is nearly washboard. 

She now says she’s convinced one leg is larger than the other and “looks bad”. She was standing next to me and one can only see one leg in the pic. 

There is no logic to this.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

x598 said:


> Sorry, but the logical male side of me says THIS DOESNT MAKE ANY SENSE.


I think that’s where I went wrong - I used logic. Thing is, i _thought_ I was also being emotional, proclaiming my love for my wife, and that would be perceived as a good thing, but, alas, no.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

gr8ful1 said:


> Pics in a 1 piece. This “bikini” she was wearing is nearly a 1-piece, as the top had a significant section that came down, only showing a small section of her belly button area. She’s had a tummy-tuck after having babies (she wanted) and her stomach is nearly washboard.
> 
> She now says she’s convinced one leg is larger than the other and “looks bad”. She was standing next to me and one can only see one leg in the pic.
> 
> There is no logic to this.


It's the way she views herself...not the way you view her. Yeah I know you're going to say "but I'm her husband and if I think she looks good then that is all that matters". I understand that line of thinking...but it doesn't "cure" poor self image. 

I think when you are not so hurt/stinging, perhaps you should try to talk about this incident again and let her know why you don't understand/meant no harm. It may help both of you in the long run.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

gr8ful1 said:


> Ok, I stand corrected. I was completely wrong for doing it. I don't value a pic more than my wife's feelings. And I guessed I deserved the hammer.
> 
> *Solution: no more postings, ever again.* Simple.


That is black and white thinking. That is never good in a marriage. It leads to a lot of closed doors that don't need to be closed.

How about you learn what she will appreciate, or ask her if she minds if you post "such and such?"


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

gr8ful1 said:


> During our time there, she posted pics to social media of the place, her toes in the sand, etc. with captions of things like “love this place”, “why do we live where it gets cold?”, etc. Nothing about us or our marriage, tho we had both taken several selfies of the two of us - *which didn’t bother me at all*.


You sure about that, bub? 

'coz it kinda sounds like you were bothered that she wasn't referencing you as a couple. And it comes across to me that you decided to do something about that. If I'm way off-track, I'll stand corrected. 

Photo ... or not, vanity... or not, seems to me you have opportunity to be more honest with your wife. 


As for social media, well despite appearances (with posting on this forum), I'm stuck somewhere between having little patience and shrugging with acceptance when I hear about FB news feeds and such.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

gr8ful1 said:


> Am I over sensitive?


Yeah kind of. I post pictures of my wife and I all the time. Sometimes I post just my wife If I think it's a good shot, since she's quite a looker. Normally she likes them. On occasion she says "Oh that's not a good shot of me". Even though I disagree, I take it down. She never really gets angry however. Some people have lower tolerances for these things than others. Just go with the flow. If that's the worst issue you have, you are golden.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

In all this posting she was doing did she mention why she was there at all?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I've been thinging about this this thread and something came to mind.

One the vacation, your wife was posting pictures of things that were not very personal.... but that showed that the trip was enjoyable.

How often does your wife post photos of herself? How about photos of you? I'll bet not very often.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I think you are not only being oversensitive, you are being selfish in your lack of consideration of your wife's perspective. 

She does not feel comfortable in her body after the surgeries and babies - that will probably change as she ages, but for now she still thinks she "should" have her youthful adult body. You have decided that her insecurities are all about you and have turned them into a value judgment on your relationship and her world view. Wow. Get over yourself. You are creating drama where there is none.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

My take: your wife is selfish and self-involved and found a reason to pick a fight just because.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Magnesium said:


> My take: your wife is selfish and self-involved and found a reason to pick a fight just because.


I could be convinced of this fairly easily. 

I asked if she mentioned why she was there at all, but I think a better question would be does she mention you or your marriage at all. Would it be obvious to a stranger looking at her page that it's the page of a married woman?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I've been thinging about this this thread and something came to mind.
> 
> One the vacation, your wife was posting pictures of things that were not very personal.... but that showed that the trip was enjoyable.
> 
> How often does your wife post photos of herself? How about photos of you? I'll bet not very often.


For us, our Facebook/social media accounts are there to keep in touch with our friends and family, some of which live very far away and go years between visits. 

Both my H and I have jobs where it is expected that our workplace would be checking up on our social media accounts. 

We are both very careful and selective about what we put out there for the world to see. My Facebook is carefully curated, as was mentioned above. 

I would be mortified if my H posted a pic of me in a bathing suit, even if his intentions were good. Luckily, he knows I feel this way and understands it. I hate having my picture taken under any circumstances. 

I will wear things FOR my husband, particularly if we are on an adults only vacation, because HE likes the way I look in it. Bathing suits are a big one. If it were up to me, I would be happy to go to the beach clothed head to toe. I try to be comfortable about it for his sake, but I definitely don't want pictures to be shared with the world. 

We will occasionally post to each other on social media - happy birthday, happy anniversary, etc. A picture does not need to be attached to that to make it meaningful. 

You could have just asked her wife why she was posting things about the trip but not about your anniversary. Maybe she did not realize it mattered to you. 

My husband acts like he hates social media, but will be happy when he sees our family and friends saying nice things in response to a post. 





Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Your wife is self conscious of her body and does not want it posted on social media for all the world to see. It’s as simple as that, she overreacted in her response and you are being over sensitive. I would let this drop and in the future not post pictures of your wife without her permission. 

I would have been upset too if my husband posted a picture of me in a bikini, but then again my husband know me like the back of a book and would never post such a thing as he knows it would upset me.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Yep, you're too sensitive.

LOTS of us on social media NEVER post photos of ourselves. Has nothing to do with not feeling good about ourselves. Has to do with a sense that I'm not on social media for me, I'm there to interact with others. I am a part of the 75% of the US population that does NOT want to be the center of attention. The only photos of me on social media are in larger groups and I'm not identified by name.

Her behavior is totally consistent with someone who enjoys life and is trying to NOT be the focus of her own postings, and that's perfectly normal.

One thing I've had to get used to is my current GF, who is a former portrait photographer, a real shutterbug and loves selfies - hers and others. I've never been so thoroughly photographed and documented on the web. I guess I'm OK with it since I'm not the one doing the posting.

I bet, if you'd posted just a photo of you on the beach, it would not have bothered her.

DD


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

gr8ful1 said:


> I took my wife to a high-end all-inclusive resort in Mexico for 4 days to celebrate our 20th. The place was awesome, the weather perfect. During our time there, she posted pics to social media of the place, her toes in the sand, etc. with captions of things like “love this place”, “why do we live where it gets cold?”, etc. Nothing about us or our marriage, tho we had both taken several selfies of the two of us - which didn’t bother me at all.
> 
> On our last afternoon, we noticed a dude offering to take pictures of other couples on the beach, so I hit the guy up. He took a pic of the two of us standing at the water’s edge, from about 20 feet away. Sweet pic, where you see the ocean, and the two of us but not close up. We’re both wearing bathing suits - she in a tasteful and very modest bikini. She’s showing zero cleavage and was one of the most modestly dressed women out there.
> 
> ...


I only post pictures of my W with my W approval of said picture. My W is not in love with her body. Sometimes several pictures are taken before any can be posted....if at all. 

Don't take it personally or as an indication of the health of your marriage. Jot it down in your notebook. NO posting pictures of W without prior approval.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

heartsbeating said:


> You sure about that, bub?
> 
> 'coz it kinda sounds like you were bothered that she wasn't referencing you as a couple. And it comes across to me that you decided to do something about that. If I'm way off-track, I'll stand corrected.


Honestly no. She's normally the one to post that kind of stuff. I thought it'd be a pleasant / loving surprise for her husband to post something celebrating the marriage.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Nucking Futs said:


> In all this posting she was doing did she mention why she was there at all?



No


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> How often does your wife post photos of herself? How about photos of you? I'll bet not very often.



About two weeks ago we were walking around Minneapolis for the Super Bowl and she posted a pic of the two of us. She only posts a few times a month - not one to post everything.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Nucking Futs said:


> I asked if she mentioned why she was there at all, but I think a better question would be does she mention you or your marriage at all. Would it be obvious to a stranger looking at her page that it's the page of a married woman?


In none of her posts from Mexico does she mention me or the reason for the trip. Her social media page does list her as "married" with a link to me, and does occasionally post a pic of the two of us. That's why I thought it'd be "sweet" to do so likewise.

I feel I need to emphasize that the pic I posted was NOT a closeup AT ALL. The pic was from a phone, at least 20 feet away. Plus, the social media platform automatically downsamples the image such that it's by no means something expandable into high resolution. If you tried to zoom in, it'd just be a blur. I knew this when posting.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Some people don't like the world to know they are married. Your wife is one of them. Don't take it personally. She just doesn't want anyone to dwell on the fact she's an average ho-hum wife and mom. She wants to be seen as a vibrant woman of the world...a globetrotting trekker and all around fascinating person to know. Whatever floats her boat...don't feel bad. At the end of the day you are the one who's opinion counts. 


FB provides a realm where a person can carefully craft and manipulate their persona to become a different person from the one they really are. It is a website of avatars...of golems...not real people.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I think you are worried that it is the fact that the picture showed her as your wife that worries you. Test the theory. Post a status update without a picture or one with a picture of the resort, say the same sort of thing about how happy you are to be married, and tag her in it. See how she reacts. She probably won't mind and your mind will be at rest about that.

That aside, it seems like you guys need to communicate better. She could have asked you to take the picture down without getting married. You could communicate with her instead of pouting and swearing to never post any pictures of her again ever. Your post makes you guys seem immature.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

People can be sensitive about all sorts of things. 

For whatever reason, I don't like being seen in a bathing suit. Its not that I'm hideous looking or anything, I just don't like it. So I was a little unhappy when my wife posted a picture of me in a bathing suit on a beach resort trip. Not seriously upset, but I thought she knew how I felt. 

Sometimes its not really obvious how people feel. She didn't recognize how I felt - no harm intended. I understood that no harm was intended so I wasn't all that unhappy.

OP: you didn't realize your wife was sensitive. Now you do. She shouldn't have gotten too upset because you didn't intend to offend her.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

FalCod said:


> I think you are worried that it is the fact that the picture showed her as your wife that worries you..



It's not that. I felt insulted, after having spent a LOT of money on a great trip, that instead of her saying "Thank you for celebrating our marriage with that post - would you mind switching the pic with a selfy of the two of us right now because I'm self conscious of me in my bikini?" (which would have been 100% fine), she instead wigged out, not only demanding that I instantly take it down, but that I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER. She got angry and left me sitting alone at the lunch table.

This may sound arrogant, but I've been a GREAT husband, father, provider, leader to our family and kids. I just felt I deserved better than to be hit with the hammer, tho the women here unanimously believe I had every bit of that coming to me. 

It just makes me want to scuttle future attempts at romantic gestures.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Gr8,
You can either protect your ego or progress your situation. Typically you can’t do both simultaneously. 

So far, on this thread you are choosing the former path.

If you wish to make progress say so - and I’ll take you through an honest analysis with a constructive suggestion. But - not if you’re going to maintain the current tone - which comes across as a blend of anger,self pity and defensiveness.





gr8ful1 said:


> It's not that. I felt insulted, after having spent a LOT of money on a great trip, that instead of her saying "Thank you for celebrating our marriage with that post - would you mind switching the pic with a selfy of the two of us right now because I'm self conscious of me in my bikini?" (which would have been 100% fine), she instead wigged out, not only demanding that I instantly take it down, but that I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER. She got angry and left me sitting alone at the lunch table.
> 
> This may sound arrogant, but I've been a GREAT husband, father, provider, leader to our family and kids. I just felt I deserved better than to be hit with the hammer, tho the women here unanimously believe I had every bit of that coming to me.
> 
> It just makes me want to scuttle future attempts at romantic gestures.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

MEM2020 said:


> Gr8,
> You can either protect your ego or progress your situation. Typically you can’t do both simultaneously.
> 
> So far, on this thread you are choosing the former path.
> ...


This about sums it up.

Are you being over-sensitive? Yes.

Do you have reason to feel sensitive? Yes.

You clearly have a need for her to recognize the marriage, or there has been a lack of her recognition of your marriage, in ways that are meaningful to you.

That is where you start.

"Wife, I'm sorry I posted something on social media that didn't make you feel good."

Then, in a separate conversation, likely on another day, in a cool, firm, dispassionate voice:

"Wife, I love you, and I am proud of who I married. There's some times where I get the distinct impression that you don't feel the same."

Let that be the beginning of the dialogue.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

MEM2020 said:


> Gr8,
> If you wish to make progress say so - and I’ll take you through an honest analysis with a constructive suggestion. But - not if you’re going to maintain the current tone - which comes across as a blend of anger,self pity and defensiveness.



I'm not angry anymore - I'm just bewildered. She's good wife & I love her. I just don't understand how, apparently I did something so horribly wrong, when I meant so romantically right.

I will never post anything again of her without her explicit permission. Perhaps this will change one day, but after being beaten down over this incident, I don't want to have anything to do with posting anything again. If I could get something so horrifically wrong, it tells me I don't know the first thing about posting anything, in which case the safest course of action is to simply stop.

So I hear everyone: it is strictly me who owes her an apology for posting without her permission, and she owes me no apology for coming down like a hammer. I'm also just sad, as this has ruined for me what was a wonderful trip - in the sense that this will be the first thing I think of when remembering this trip. I guess it's all my own doing, and I should be happy I haven't suffered worse consequences.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You’ve gotten a mix of feedback and are choosing to frame it in the most negative way possible. 

Take a deep breath. Your wife was completely out of line - but for now I’m going to stop there - as you need to get some perspective before anyone can help you. And at the moment, you seem completely unraveled. 





gr8ful1 said:


> I'm not angry anymore - I'm just bewildered. She's good wife & I love her. I just don't understand how, apparently I did something so horribly wrong, when I meant so romantically right.
> 
> I will never post anything again of her without her explicit permission. Perhaps this will change one day, but after being beaten down over this incident, I don't want to have anything to do with posting anything again. If I could get something so horrifically wrong, it tells me I don't know the first thing about posting anything, in which case the safest course of action is to simply stop.
> 
> So I hear everyone: it is strictly me who owes her an apology for posting without her permission, and she owes me no apology for coming down like a hammer. I'm also just sad, as this has ruined for me what was a wonderful trip - in the sense that this will be the first thing I think of when remembering this trip. I guess it's all my own doing, and I should be happy I haven't suffered worse consequences.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I think you meant well and she could've been nice about asking to take it down. I don't blame you for being gun shy about stuff like this in the future but be cautious about drawing broader conclusions. Most of us say something wrong now and then without being bad people from then on.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

SpinyNorman said:


> I think you meant well and she could've been nice about asking to take it down. I don't blame you for being gun shy about stuff like this in the future but be cautious about drawing broader conclusions. Most of us say something wrong now and then without being bad people from then on.


Thanks Spiny. I'm with ya.

And @MEM2020, I don't think I've fully unraveled, in that I've forgiven her days ago and we're both close & acting like it never happened. I do still feel a sting from the event (if I think about it) & wanted to both vent & try and determine how off-base I was, and learn from it.

I really could have benefited from some grace from her that day, but, by definition, grace is that which we do not deserve.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Your posts tonight say otherwise. 

The real question is ‘who’. Who is she so embarrassed to have see her dressed in a manner which she was ok to be seen publicly. Beach = public setting. 

And why did the thought of that person/people seeing her in that public outfit - make her completely lose her mind? 

You were asked a very specific question in two ways which you chose to ignore. What was she really upset about? Her clothing or being shown in a romantic context with you? Is she embarrassed about her body (if so - why is she walking around in public in that outfit) or her husband? 

And THAT is what you are upset about. And your avoidance of those posts is why I said you are in full ego protective mode as opposed to genuine truth seeking mode. 





gr8ful1 said:


> Thanks Spiny. I'm with ya.
> 
> And @MEM2020, I don't think I've fully unraveled, in that I've forgiven her days ago and we're both close & acting like it never happened. I do still feel a sting from the event (if I think about it) & wanted to both vent & try and determine how off-base I was, and learn from it.
> 
> I really could have benefited from some grace from her that day, but, by definition, grace is that which we do not deserve.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

MEM2020 said:


> What was she really upset about? Her clothing or being shown in a romantic context with you? Is she embarrassed about her body (if so - why is she walking around in public in that outfit) or her husband?


She said it was because she was wearing a bikini. I would describe it as a conservative model, but a bikini nonetheless. And she did walk around a bit in it, and consented without hesitation to having her pic taken next to me. She said nothing about keeping that one to ourselves, etc.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

I always feel like I've read something entirely different when I see some of the responses on some threads, this is no different. OP opens with.



gr8ful1 said:


> she posted pics to social media of the place, her toes in the sand, etc. with captions of things like “love this place”, “why do we live where it gets cold?”, etc. *Nothing about us or our marriage*


So this right off the bat, this is the statement the problem the OP has is built upon. His wife is posting on social media but not posting why she's there, or whom she's with!

Now the OP becomes a little beta at this stage. He's stewing, instead of confronting (or maybe just talking about it) because he now wants to enjoy this romantic trip he just sits on it and continues to observe this behavior until he takes matters into his own hands and posts the picture with the two of them together and the reason why she was on the trip!

Forget the body imaging stuff, one leg shorter than the other, the light was too harsh on her face. For whatever reason she didn't want to reference why she was on the trip.

So to the OP, are there pictures of the two of you on this trip at all seeing you deleted the one you posted. Captions to why you/she was there at all in any of the pics she took? Is this instagram? If so how many pictures are there of you and her TOGETHER? Does she reference you as man and wife in those photos? Does she reference you as her husband in any of the photos she posts?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

And you clearly don’t accept that as a fully truthful answer. If you did - this wouldn’t have upset you all that much. Oh my wife is shy about her body and I embarrassed her. No big deal - that’s an individual issue not a marital issue. 

Except -if she was that shy she wouldn’t be wearing it in public. 

I seriously doubt you will get any more transparency from her, than you offer. 

And if you read this thread over - slowly - just your posts - you will see what I mean. You claim to mostly be over it - despite also saying in a different post that you aren’t going to do any more ‘romantic’ things for her. It’s fine to be upset, disingenuous to claim you aren’t. 

And yes - sure - I think your wife was completely out of line. If it’s ok to wear in public than there is no reason to think she would be upset - much less have a melt down - over it being on the internet. That said - you haven’t said a single word about whether she has selfies that are sort of similar in skin shown - to what you posted. 

The real issue seems to be she favors solo selfies: look at how great MY life is
And you wanted to add more of an US themed selfie a: look at how great OUR life is

And she freaked. And then didn’t apologize for the tone of her reaction. Again - we have no context so maybe you tolerate a spouse who doesn’t apologize when they behave badly. 

Or maybe she doesn’t want to apologize because she doesn’t want to explain why she really was angry. And truthfully you don’t seem to want to think much about that. 

Anyway - I think you maybe hoped for more sympathy and less analysis - so I’ll stop here. 




gr8ful1 said:


> She said it was because she was wearing a bikini. I would describe it as a conservative model, but a bikini nonetheless. And she did walk around a bit in it, and consented without hesitation to having her pic taken next to me. She said nothing about keeping that one to ourselves, etc.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

gr8ful1 said:


> I'm not angry anymore - I'm just bewildered. She's good wife & I love her. I just don't understand how, apparently I did something so horribly wrong, when I meant so romantically right.
> 
> I will never post anything again of her without her explicit permission. Perhaps this will change one day, but after being beaten down over this incident, I don't want to have anything to do with posting anything again. If I could get something so horrifically wrong, it tells me I don't know the first thing about posting anything, in which case the safest course of action is to simply stop.
> 
> So I hear everyone: it is strictly me who owes her an apology for posting without her permission, and she owes me no apology for coming down like a hammer. I'm also just sad, as this has ruined for me what was a wonderful trip - in the sense that this will be the first thing I think of when remembering this trip. I guess it's all my own doing, and I should be happy I haven't suffered worse consequences.



Please read what @meme2020 has written and take it to heart.

Your wife overreacted out of self embarrassment of the idea of the whole world seeing her in a bathing suit. You need to address that public overreaction, (yes, she owes you an apology) but you also need to understand and forgive. You are being punitive out of what appears to be ego and what you think you are owed because you put out a lot of money. To go from your wife's embarrassment to "I will never post anything again without her explicit permission", I am "beaten down over this incident", and this being the first thing you remember about what seems to be, overall, an incredible vacation, is.....teenage drama.

If there is not some underlying sensitivity that your wife does not want to be publicly shown with you in a picture (and it was really all about your wife not wanting a public picture of her in a bathing suit) then why are you still stinging from it (by your own admission)? To "act like it never happened" when you are still defending your position after two days here and how many days after the event is lying to yourself and to your wife. Not cool. Not good.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

NickyT,

You have absolutely no way of knowing that OP's wife was reacting to being embarrassed about her body!! No way of knowing. OP says she had a tummy tuck and has a washboard like stomach. And, she was wearing the swim suit freely in public on the beach. 

I think OP that received a lot of harsh comments here about female body embarrassment and how he should have known the picture posting was a no no. I do not agree with this assessment.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

gr8ful1 said:


> It's not that. I felt insulted, after having spent a LOT of money on a great trip, that instead of her saying "Thank you for celebrating our marriage with that post - would you mind switching the pic with a selfy of the two of us right now because I'm self conscious of me in my bikini?" (which would have been 100% fine), she instead wigged out, not only demanding that I instantly take it down, but that I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER. She got angry and left me sitting alone at the lunch table.
> 
> This may sound arrogant, but I've been a GREAT husband, father, provider, leader to our family and kids. I just felt I deserved better than to be hit with the hammer, tho the women here unanimously believe I had every bit of that coming to me.
> 
> It just makes me want to scuttle future attempts at romantic gestures.


I would say your W reaction is way over top. You did not deserve that reaction over a picture. And for me, if my W reacted in such a way I would want an answer as to why. And no, it is not arrogant to get a "atta boy" from the W ever now and then. Specifically if one bends over backwards to make an special occasion as special as it can be. It's called appreciation. 

I can understand why this has taken the wind out of your sails. I think you should ask your W why the reacted as she did. If you don't know the real reason for the reaction you can't not correct the issue in future posts. You will only find the answer from your W.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

gr8ful1 said:


> I'm not angry anymore - I'm just bewildered. She's good wife & I love her. I just don't understand how, apparently I did something so horribly wrong, when I meant so romantically right.
> 
> I will never post anything again of her without her explicit permission. Perhaps this will change one day, but after being beaten down over this incident, I don't want to have anything to do with posting anything again. If I could get something so horrifically wrong, it tells me I don't know the first thing about posting anything, in which case the safest course of action is to simply stop.
> 
> So I hear everyone: it is strictly me who owes her an apology for posting without her permission, and she owes me no apology for coming down like a hammer. I'm also just sad, as this has ruined for me what was a wonderful trip - in the sense that this will be the first thing I think of when remembering this trip. I guess it's all my own doing, and I should be happy I haven't suffered worse consequences.


Sorry, you W was completely out of line IMO. You posted a picture for God sakes. For the love of Heaven, some suggest you grovel for forgiveness. Sorry, your W needs to answer why the nuke button was pushed over a picture.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> gr8ful1 said:
> 
> 
> > It's not that. I felt insulted, after having spent a LOT of money on a great trip, that instead of her saying "Thank you for celebrating our marriage with that post - would you mind switching the pic with a selfy of the two of us right now because I'm self conscious of me in my bikini?" (which would have been 100% fine), she instead wigged out, not only demanding that I instantly take it down, but that I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER. She got angry and left me sitting alone at the lunch table.
> ...


I agree. It might also be helpful to keep in mind she's might not be truthful about the *real* reason.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

gr8ful1 said:


> She said it was because she was wearing a bikini. I would describe it as a conservative model, but a bikini nonetheless. And she did walk around a bit in it, and consented without hesitation to having her pic taken next to me. She said nothing about keeping that one to ourselves, etc.


Well I tell ya what....don't wear a bikini if it causes a problem on social media. Not sure why it is not a problem in open public wearing said bikini!?!? 

My W is a bit on the heavy side, she will wear a bikini in our private pool. She will allow pictures of the herself to be taken in the bikini. But this bikini will not be worn at a public beach. The pictures of herself in the bikini will only go on social media if she approves. The difference here is my W asks me not to post certain things without her checking it first. I'm cool with that because she has a simple request that she has asked. You on the other hand got plowed by a bus because the rules of engagement with social media was not discussed. IMO, your W owes you an explanation as to why she did not lay down any cursory ground rules with social media and pictures.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Livvie said:


> NickyT,
> 
> You have absolutely no way of knowing that OP's wife was reacting to being embarrassed about her body!! No way of knowing. OP says she had a tummy tuck and has a washboard like stomach. And, she was wearing the swim suit freely in public on the beach.
> 
> I think OP that received a lot of harsh comments here about female body embarrassment and how he should have known the picture posting was a no no. I do not agree with this assessment.


No one knows exactly what happened here. None of us knows for sure on anything we post. You have no way of knowing it was some other motivation.

I never said I think he should have known posting this was a no no. Did not say it. I think, based on his description, she completely over reacted and I said just that. I went further to say she owed him an apology.

At some point in my postings on this thread, I very clearly said IF she had no other motivation than embarrassment. If she is flipping out because she does not want public pictures with her husband, then yeah, shame on her and he should be upset. If it is that his wife has a body image problem, then he needs to be sensitive to that - without accepting her public display! 

No need to call me out. I have no dog in this fight and neither should you.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

I have no problem going shirtless at the pool, and I absolutely would not want shirtless pictures of myself on facebook. What I'm comfortable wearing with some random people I'll never see again, and what I want everyone on social media to see are two totally different things. I have no idea what your wife's true motives were but I 100% understand her stated issue.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

NickyT said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > NickyT,
> ...


You wrote, post #44, and this is a direct quote:

"Your wife overreacted out of self embarrassment of the idea of the whole world seeing her in a bathing suit."

I'm saying, we don't know that THIS is why she reacted like she did.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Livvie said:


> You wrote, post #44, and this is a direct quote:
> 
> "Your wife overreacted out of self embarrassment of the idea of the whole world seeing her in a bathing suit."
> 
> I'm saying, we don't know that THIS is why she reacted like she did.


Then let me correct myself since you are unable to read the rest of my writing: "It is my guess that you wife may have overreacted....etc"

What else is there but our interpretation of what we read??? Does it not go without saying that when OP reads the responses he is reading what people's impressions are? 

I have posted my own threads and had people tell me all kinds of things that they can not possibly know for sure. I was just reading a posting from a man whose wife is in communication with an ex and there were responses that said, "They are already sleeping together". HOW DO THESE PEOPLE KNOW THESE THINGS??? Are they clairvoyant and I am not?? NO. It is their opinion - their interpretation - that they are writing as if they know. Everyone knows that.


Step off.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

Yes


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

white elephant in the room is wife freaking out as her social media profile paints a picture of her that she is single and explains much the over reaction.

if it really is some body image thing.......no need to FREAK OUT.....just say "hey i don't like that being posted can you take it down?"

but i doubt that the case as if someone has such a body image issue...they would be strutting around publicly in that same bikini.

OP i would start tagging and putting up pics of the two of you doing various things and watch her reaction. Sure i guess it's a sh&t test...but without honestly knowing if your wifes body issue is genuine or not.....not sure what else i would do in your shoes. I would definitely be checking out her social media profile. I dont care if it shows her as married. i have seen plenty of profiles of women i knew were married, but there was zilch on there that showed a picture or activity of them together and if you didint know ....you would assume these women were single. and many of these women that do this are not in happy marriages.....so think about that and her over reaction.


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