# Gentleman?



## Cammy (5 mo ago)

Hello everyone,

I’m just here venting, bc I don’t have anyone to vent to. And if I vented to someone I knew, they would judge me. So I prefer to vent on here, since no one knows me.
Over a couple of months I’ve been very frustrated with my husband. 
The way he is naturally is with other women, and the lack of being uncomfortable when someone is probably a little too close to his space. 
I’m extremely frustrated. Every time I explain my frustration, he minimizes how I feel or gets really upset with me. Especially when I call him out.
Now I’m not going to lie, we argue about the same thing almost every day. 
and I’m just tired and drained and emotionally exhausted.
He’s wonderful everywhere else. But I guess I get frustrated bc in this particular area, it’s like he says it’s me and I’m like you have a problem in this area and you are not realizing it. Lack of communication and empathy on his end. 
but everywhere else Is fine.
Please help if you can. I am honestly drained. No matter when I tell him how I feel, he doesn’t seem to care or tells me that he wouldn’t have this problem with anyone else. I mean seriously, I’m your wife you should care about my thoughts.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cammy said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I’m just here venting, bc I don’t have anyone to vent to. And if I vented to someone I knew, they would judge me. So I prefer to vent on here, since no one knows me.
> Over a couple of months I’ve been very frustrated with my husband.
> ...


Can you describe in detail, what interactions with other women that are causing the problem?


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## Cammy (5 mo ago)

Okay, so he’s a little too friendly. He’s a mechanic and obviously he has to talk to everyone about the issue of the car. He is okay when another woman is in his space. I have so many examples, but I lost count.

today was another example, we are at the supermarket and we are both looking at the freezer for ice cream. In comes a blondie (of course Looking a certain way) and he stops looking at the ice cream to take the cart out of the way. Like the cart is right behind me as well. Actually in the center of the both of us. She didn’t even say excuse me, he just of course “knew what to do”.

Now I know this seems like nothing and like obviously you move the cart out of the way for the person, right? But I feel uncomfortable bc there is a compilation of things that keep happening. Like why didn’t he let me move the cart. And she was attractive. So of course she saw that her body or presence was going to somehow make my husband stop what he was doing to attend to her cart. And of course, that’s exactly what happened.
She did t even say anything. He said well I heard a cart was coming. This seems dumb as I am writing, but he could’ve said babe, like let me do it.


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## Cammy (5 mo ago)

And then I share how I feel and he just shuts me down and says you’re the only one that’s like this. Anytime I express how I feel, it’s like God forbid.
Also, then we go to another aisle and she follows us to that aisle, to exactly where we are and literally pretends she’s getting something right behind my husband. That really made me upset.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Cammy said:


> Okay, so he’s a little too friendly. He’s a mechanic and obviously he has to talk to everyone about the issue of the car. He is okay when another woman is in his space. I have so many examples, but I lost count.
> 
> today was another example, we are at the supermarket and we are both looking at the freezer for ice cream. In comes a blondie (of course Looking a certain way)* and he stops looking at the ice cream to take the cart out of the way. Like the cart is right behind me as well. Actually in the center of the both of us. She didn’t even say excuse me, he just of course “knew what to do”.*
> 
> ...


I can't speak for your guy but I do the same thing regardless of how attractive someone is. People who park their cart and hold everyone up down the aisle of a grocery store is a big pet peeve of mine. I always move my cart out of the way when I stop to look for something and I will make sure whoever I am with does the same. Is it possible your guy is just trying to be polite but you felt some kinda way about it because the woman was attractive? If you look for problems, you will always find one.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Cammy said:


> Okay, so he’s a little too friendly. He’s a mechanic and obviously he has to talk to everyone about the issue of the car. He is okay when another woman is in his space. I have so many examples, but I lost count.
> 
> today was another example, we are at the supermarket and we are both looking at the freezer for ice cream. In comes a blondie (of course Looking a certain way) and he stops looking at the ice cream to take the cart out of the way. Like the cart is right behind me as well. Actually in the center of the both of us. She didn’t even say excuse me, he just of course “knew what to do”.
> 
> ...


Do you have a better example?

That one is not particularly bad at all. It actually seems courteous. If this is an ongoing problem, you probably have more egregious examples.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Do you feel that women are hoping to attract his attention? Or is he hoping to attract their attention?


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## Cammy (5 mo ago)

thank you for your honesty. It’s just he’s not the same with men. There is a normal part to this all. But at the end it’s the bigger picture of everything and this topic. 



Enigma32 said:


> I can't speak for your guy but I do the same thing regardless of how attractive someone is. People who park their cart and hold everyone up down the aisle of a grocery store is a big pet peeve of mine. I always move my cart out of the way when I stop to look for something and I will make sure whoever I am with does the same. Is it possible your guy is just trying to be polite but you felt some kinda way about it because the woman was attractive? If you look for problems, you will always find one.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Cammy said:


> thank you for your honesty. It’s just he’s not the same with men. There is a normal part to this all. But at the end it’s the bigger picture of everything and this topic.


Traditionally, men are more deferential to women. It's taught as part of male culture---the customs of chivalry. 

Honestly, I think a majority of men would defer to women in your example. He's not an outlier in that example. Do you have examples that are more egregious?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

all so there are times it is best to do nothing 
Walk away and ignore not to let things that are not important get in on you and get the better of you ,

no point in picking a fight if the fight is just going to be over someone been silly 
My granny once came to visit when a local lady called to the house 
Granny got a chair and sat down never said a word and just watched how the other lady acted , now I was young at the time and know something was going on but did not know fully what it was ,

When the lady left Granny said to mother best to not let that Trollip back into the house in time mother saw that granny has sized up the lady right and she had many affairs with the men in the area


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

OP, can you please provide some more examples? The cart thing could easily be explained away. I'm gonna move the cart regardless of whatever obstruction is in my way. I want to get in and out of the grocery store fast. 

Did he stop and linger at the woman?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

The fact that he knows his behavior hurts you but doesn’t change the way he participates shows he doesn’t respect you. He’s also not honoring you - your feelings.

have you two ever done counseling to find a way to change this dynamic?

obviously, his need for validation from complete strangers (women) outweighs his love for you.

yep, I’d be mad if I let my spouse know their consistent actions consistently hurt my feelings - yet they made no effort to rectify the offending behavior.

his ego is in the way. If he can’t change - I would never stay with any guy that consistently caused me harm.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Ever think of it from this point , when someone is looking at another it might not be that they fancy them but they are looking at them and think the other way around been turned off by them 

It is very important part of police work and they sometimes need to get phy help in understand a profile in the case of a home pc with some sites been visited they have to try work out if the owner is a podophile or just ended up on the wrong site by mistake or even just a interest in how sick this world can be


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Cammy said:


> Okay, so he’s a little too friendly. He’s a mechanic and obviously he has to talk to everyone about the issue of the car. He is okay when another woman is in his space. I have so many examples, but I lost count.
> 
> today was another example, we are at the supermarket and we are both looking at the freezer for ice cream. In comes a blondie (of course Looking a certain way) and he stops looking at the ice cream to take the cart out of the way. Like the cart is right behind me as well. Actually in the center of the both of us. She didn’t even say excuse me, he just of course “knew what to do”.
> 
> ...


I think that there are actually multiple problems. Remember you can't change your husband, you can only change yourself. Even if he understands your concerns, only your husband can change himself and his behavior. You can't.

Having said that I see two main issues. The first is that you are insecure when your husband is around other women. You really need to work on your insecurity. He chose to marry you. Is there a problem in your marriage that makes you feel he will not be faithful or committed to you? Is there something you can do to make you feel like you are more secure in your marriage? Has your husband ever don't anything substantive that would lead you to believe you don't have a solid marriage. Work on the things you have control over.

The second issue is that you have told your husband your "fears" and he apparently is not taking them seriously. This bothers you, as it perhaps should. Have you really sat down with him and really talked to him and had him listen to what you mean. Have you said to him that you are insecure in your marriage to him and have huge fears. Have you told him your fears. Have you said to him that you are trying to work through them and that you need his help and want him to do you a favor? Have the two of you talked about things he can do to make you less insecure that don't involve being rude or not having contact with other women? For example, if he moves a shopping cart for another woman can he then come over to you and give you a hug or kiss your neck? Would that work? Try to suggest some things he can do positively with you as opposed to negatively to other women.

Good luck,


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If my wife argued with me every day about such trivial things I would dismiss her feelings also. I would put her in the category of Nagging Cow.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Does he flirt and give attractive women lots of attention?


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I've been with women like the OP in my past. It wore me out. It got to the point where even the clothes you decided to wear that day were questioned as having a motive. 

It's exhausting and mentally draining to be with someone where seemingly everything you say or do, you have to make sure that they are feeling secure or that it doesn't get misinterpreted. 

Others may differ and feel like the husband should be more cognizant and perhaps alter his behavior. I dunno there. As stated, most men do treat women a little different than they do men, as that's what they were born and programmed to do. Also, despite all efforts most guys don't then become completely oblivious to the opposite sex once in a relationship. I doubt women do either.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I do all the automatic courtesies at a baseline of say 70% enthusiasm. Holding doors, opening doors, helping someone with both hands full (shopping bags), help an old lady across the street, etc… I have never helped an old man across the street. 

I can’t help it I learned it in Boy Scouts and then also from my father. Once it gets habitual you need to actively think to not do it.

My wife has looked at me weird when I run off say 20 feet to open a door for a lady carrying coffees with both hands at Starbucks.

I don’t mean anything by it and I’m not trying to hit on the coffee lady. Sometimes I get a shocked look and then a scowl back from the beneficiary, “I can open my own door fine dummy!”


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

So far, without more context to the situation, it appears that you have insecurities issues, and too much nagging. 

A better explanation of what is it in the relationship that makes you get upset with your husband's apparent differential treatment to other females.

Does he chat them up in a miré intimate way? Does he drops everything and leaves you alone in order to pay his undivided attention to other females? If he's just friendly, and there's not ulterior motives, then that's his nature. You married him knowing that he was friendly. Most guys are differential to women. It's in our nature. It's not a matter of disrespect to our partner, unless is obvious that he's going at it after ulterior motives. 

A better exposition of what is it that's upsetting you from his behavior would help to give you a better more unbiased opinion.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cammy said:


> And then I share how I feel and he just shuts me down and says you’re the only one that’s like this. Anytime I express how I feel, it’s like God forbid.
> Also, then we go to another aisle and she follows us to that aisle, to exactly where we are and literally pretends she’s getting something right behind my husband. That really made me upset.


Ok. All I can gather from what you have posted so far does not lead me to believe your husband is really doing anything wrong.

He could maybe communicate better with you but it does seem you might be insecure.

Is he deferential to you? Could he allay your discomfort more if he displayed more affection to you around others?

Mrs. C had to have thick skin and a spine of iron to succeed with me because I've always attracted a lot of attention from women and I was raised to be a gentleman by my very southern oriented grandmother.

We probably had some similar discussions and I can't remember but I might have started showing her more deferential treatment and affection in public instead of trying to downplay who I naturally was.

It doesn't really sound like your husband is behaving poorly but maybe he could direct more of that charm your way especially in public.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

I hate to be the one to say it but if this post had come from a man he would be roasted as jealous and possessive. You have been getting a soft hand about "insecurities". This is not about him not taking your feelings into account since you haven't proven a pattern of him disregarding your feelings over anything else. It rings of jealousy to me plain and simple. A man has a right to defend himself against untruths. You are essentially telling him you think he is a cheat. And according to you you fight about it daily. But you don't actually say that you think je's a cheater because you know he's not.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

I have no clue what you are talking about. Your husband is courteous, maybe he is more courteous towards women, but perhaps not because of how they look but because he was taught to be a gentlemen. If you don't get your jealousy and controlling tendencies under control, he may just leave you, because no man wants to put up with that constant nagging, especially when it's your own insecurities thats driving a wedge in the marriage. Sorry to be harsh, but you need to hear it. From all accounts you have a great husband, so stop nitpicking.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Cammy said:


> Okay, so he’s a little too friendly. He’s a mechanic and obviously he has to talk to everyone about the issue of the car. He is okay when another woman is in his space. I have so many examples, but I lost count.
> 
> today was another example, we are at the supermarket and we are both looking at the freezer for ice cream. In comes a blondie (of course Looking a certain way) and he stops looking at the ice cream to take the cart out of the way. Like the cart is right behind me as well. Actually in the center of the both of us. She didn’t even say excuse me, he just of course “knew what to do”.
> 
> ...


It is called being courteous. I would do same if it was a man or elderly person. I usually watch traffic flow in store because wife is looking for something and usually oblivious to other shoppers needing to pass or the cart in the way.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Me thinks OP doesn’t like the answers she’s getting. She wants confirmation that she’s not a nagging, controlling woman. I’m very in tune with inappropriate behavior and this ain’t it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Op does he flirt and give attractive women lots of attention? If he does then you are right to be annoyed. I would too.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Op does he flirt and give attractive women lots of attention? If he does then you are right to be annoyed. I would too.


I would think if he is that blatant that OP would have led with that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Erudite said:


> I would think if he is that blatant that OP would have led with that.


This could mean he flirts? 

'The way he is naturally is with other women, and the lack of being uncomfortable when someone is probably a little too close to his space'.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> This could mean he flirts?
> 
> 'The way he is naturally is with other women, and the lack of being uncomfortable when someone is probably a little too close to his space'.


I'm not getting any of that from the information given.

OP needs to respond some more but, based on what she has posted so far, he seems ok.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> This could mean he flirts?
> 
> 'The way he is naturally is with other women, and the lack of being uncomfortable when someone is probably a little too close to his space'.


To close to his space like showing people the problems with their car, which is his job? Moving a shopping cart, which is courteous? If it was obvious flirting she would have said so. What you just quoted sounds like projection to me. 🤷


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> I'm not getting any of that from the information given.
> 
> OP needs to respond some more but, based on what she has posted so far, he seems ok.


Hopefully she will explain more but there are plenty of men who act badly around women.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Erudite said:


> To close to his space like showing people the problems with their car, which is his job? Moving a shopping cart, which is courteous? If it was obvious flirting she would have said so. What you just quoted sounds like projection to me. 🤷


Certainly not projection. Mr D never flirts.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Certainly not projection. Mr D never flirts.


Not by you. Sorry. By her. ☺


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Hopefully she will explain more but there are plenty of men who act badly around women.


Does mean he is one of them. Equally plenty of men don't.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Erudite said:


> Not by you. Sorry. By her. ☺


Oh ok. It's hard to say with what we have been told.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Cammy said:


> And then I share how I feel and he just shuts me down and says you’re the only one that’s like this. Anytime I express how I feel, it’s like God forbid.
> Also, then we go to another aisle and she follows us to that aisle, to exactly where we are and literally pretends she’s getting something right behind my husband. That really made me upset.


He's gaslighting you. Look it up. There is an article or articles on this forum under Articles category that are about gaslighting. Please read them so you can stop him in his tracks and know what you're up against.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Hopefully she will explain more but there are plenty of men who act badly around women.


Yes and likewise women but that hasn't been illustrated here.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Yes and likewise women but that hasn't been illustrated here.


We can't possibly say yet until we know more.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> We can't possibly say yet until we know more.


LoL! Which is why we shouldn't speculate on what might be but hasn't been posted.😉


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> LoL! Which is why we shouldn't speculate on what might be but hasn't been posted.😉


It has been posted but maybe not explained very well. Sadly with some of the replies made against her worries and concerns, she probably won't want to share here any more. I hope she does.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> It has been posted but maybe not explained very well. Sadly with some of the replies made against her worries and concerns, she probably won't want to share here any more. I hope she does.


I hope she continues as well but just from the information gleaned from her posts, she is insecure, he might need to affirm her a little more but he isn't doing a thing wrong.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> I hope she continues as well but just from the information gleaned from her posts, she is insecure, he might need to affirm her a little more but he isn't doing a thing wrong.


We will have to disagree on that. I sense he isnt acting as a husband should. Women are often very good at picking up on these things.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Typical, this is already becoming a male-female stance on blame. I think that we should already stop saying anything further until OP responds back


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> Typical, this is already becoming a male-female stance on blame. I think that we should already stop saying anything further until OP responds back


Maybe because women tend to be more intuitive as a rule?


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> We will have to disagree on that. I sense he isnt acting as a husband should. Women are often very good at picking up on these things.



You should edit your post by saying "some women".....

Because some other women judge any interaction with someone of the opposite sex as having bad intent....

Like even "why would you wear a short sleeve shirt, who are you trying to impress?"......

"uhhh...its 94 degrees outside and I really shouldn't go completely shirtless"....lol...

But seriously....The issue you have is that you are not a man, and never dated or was married to a woman....Some misinterpret *anything* no matter how trivial, as bad behavior...A guy gives a nice tip to a waitress that gave great service, and his wife asks you if she can get the waitresses telephone number for him.............that type or craziness...

Yes, I know these scenarios probably sound ridiculous to you, but i am telling you for certain that its the way some women are with men...And I am 1000 percent sue guys also do this with their women, probably to an even greater ridiculous intent.....So its not a gender thing...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> We will have to disagree on that. I sense he isnt acting as a husband should. Women are often very good at picking up on these things.


That's fine but you are using the force or other mystical ability because the facts so far do not back your stance.

The OP would have to offer some substantiating facts to convince this barbarian.


Diana7 said:


> Maybe because women tend to be more intuitive as a rule?


Oh I won't rule out intuition. I also won't ignore posted facts.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Well I am a woman. And I am the mother of 2 boys. So I think my intuition is just as valid as others..


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Cammy said:


> Okay, so he’s a little too friendly. He’s a mechanic and obviously he has to talk to everyone about the issue of the car. He is okay when another woman is in his space. I have so many examples, but I lost count.
> 
> today was another example, we are at the supermarket and we are both looking at the freezer for ice cream. In comes a blondie (of course Looking a certain way) and he stops looking at the ice cream to take the cart out of the way. Like the cart is right behind me as well. Actually in the center of the both of us. She didn’t even say excuse me, he just of course “knew what to do”.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry he'd shutting you down, it's never a good source of encouragement when a spouse immediately goes on the defense. As a woman though I would genuinely ask you to look inward. I hear a lot of insecurity on your part. Why would he stop and say "oh here, let my wife get that out of your way?" come on now. That sounds incredibly immature. I know that probably stings but hold on second longer. An attractive woman coming down an aisle is NOT in your husbands control. AT ALL. 

Also I'm confused? He moved the cart, and he shouldn't have and then the end of your comment says "babe let me do that." I am not following? You wanted him to let you do it? To ask you to do it? But I do hear of lot of insecure statements, of course that's just one instance. Maybe if you explained other times, it would come together more. If he's blatantly engaging other women in an inappropriate manner in front of you that's a whole other story. This doesn't sound like that.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He's gaslighting you. Look it up. There is an article or articles on this forum under Articles category that are about gaslighting. Please read them so you can stop him in his tracks and know what you're up against.


Anytime? Or on this particular subject? I have been on both sides of this coin. My ex used to get upset and say anyone else would have left me. No one else would put up with you.i must not love him or the family because I did or did not do xyz.He had problem expressing himself to me. I told HIM no one else tells me this. I legit had people reaffirming me against HIS gaslighting. I came here even and asked if he had a case. 

In this case a strange woman who saw he was with his wife deliberately followed the 2 of them to a different aisle and deliberately pushed herself up past him hoping what would happen? And he did not move aside this time even though he did last time? This strange woman was a brazen witch and he was lapping up the attention? It's just a weird story to me.

If OP comes back with new details I am willing to change my mind. But let's not assume all men are jerks just for the sake of it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Certainly not projection. Mr D never flirts.


Oh, it must be projection, Diana, because that's the agreed upon buzzword of the week 😆


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Erudite said:


> I hate to be the one to say it but if this post had come from a man he would be roasted as jealous and possessive. You have been getting a soft hand about "insecurities". This is not about him not taking your feelings into account since you haven't proven a pattern of him disregarding your feelings over anything else. It rings of jealousy to me plain and simple. A man has a right to defend himself against untruths. You are essentially telling him you think he is a cheat. And according to you you fight about it daily. But you don't actually say that you think je's a cheater because you know he's not.


Ope. She went there  and you ain’t wrong. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Oh, it must be projection, Diana, because that's the agreed upon buzzword of the week 😆


I find Diana and yourself to be very wise. I meant I felt the OP was projecting her insecurities onto her husband. I apologized. 🙂


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Erudite said:


> I find Diana and yourself to be very wise. I meant I felt the OP was projecting her insecurities onto her husband. I apologized. 🙂


Thanks. She could be. Lots of people are insecure. But the fact that he doesn't give a hoot what bothers her is the bigger problem. He is just gaslighting her. And I worry if he's worse when she's not around. Like she might only be seeing the tip of the iceberg. Maybe she'll come back and be more specific. Hope so.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Thanks. She could be. Lots of people are insecure. But the fact that he doesn't give a hoot what bothers her is the bigger problem. He is just gaslighting her. And I worry if he's worse when she's not around. Like she might only be seeing the tip of the iceberg. Maybe she'll come back and be more specific. Hope so.


I would love to see the details in any of the OP's posts that lead you to believe he is some malfeasant lothario?

I've never cheated but had far worse than OP's husband happen to me.

I got propositioned with Mrs. Conan sitting next to me and my son on my lap with obviously no encouragement from this barbarian.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> I would love to see the details in any of the OP's posts that lead you to believe he is some malfeasant lothario?
> 
> I've never cheated but had far worse than OP's husband happen to me.
> 
> I got propositioned with Mrs. Conan sitting next to me and my son on my lap with obviously no encouragement from this barbarian.


It baffles me the amount of users that run to the aid of the complainant so blindly? I mean, I am a woman and right here reading the post can post the lack of evidence to prove her husband is just a completely complacent individual. There is so much omitted no one can help make any true suggestions to be of help EXCEPT address what it so obvious as insecurity. That's the only obvious factor and that she feels dismissed.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> It baffles me the amount of users that run to the aid of the complainant so blindly? I mean, I am a woman and right here reading the post can post the lack of evidence to prove her husband is just a completely complacent individual. There is so much omitted no one can help make any true suggestions to be of help EXCEPT address what it so obvious as insecurity. That's the only obvious factor and that she feels dismissed.


The only fact that can be determined is that OP is uncomfortable which seems to stem from insecurity.

I've saved women outright from several forms of trouble and been propositioned far more times than I can remember, all while being faithful to Mrs. Conan.

I once rescued a woman from rogue dogs and she wanted to take me to her home and keep me. LoL!

The OP's husband just seems friendly and considerate as far as her posts show.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Maybe because women tend to be more intuitive as a rule?


They also tend to read into things that are not there. They let emotions override logic. I can remember all the times I said something to wife and she took it over the top, down the other side and around the bend. Then during the discussion, she will say, you said so and so....um no I said nothing of the sort. If I say this....it does not mean I also think this...and this...I'm like "Where the hell did that come from?"


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> They also tend to read into things that are not there. They let emotions override logic. I can remember all the times I said something to wife and she took it over the top, down the other side and around the bend. Then during the discussion, she will say, you said so and so....um no I said nothing of the sort. If I say this....it does not mean I also think this...and this...I'm like "Where the hell did that come from?"


Yep so many woman are overridden with emotion vs logic, OR because they've been burned and some albeit badly (my story ain't pretty and some of it was my own doing) by men, ALL men are evil and have motives that are not genuine. It's crazy. Not all people who have narcissistic tendencies are narcissist's, there is a difference. You can't just lump all the inconsiderate or selfish men, OR women as one. I don't know. It's just blows my mind.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Yep so many woman are overridden with emotion vs logic, OR because they've been burned and some albeit badly (my story ain't pretty and some of it was my own doing) by men, ALL men are evil and have motives that are not genuine. It's crazy. Not all people who have narcissistic tendencies are narcissist's, there is a difference. You can't just lump all the inconsiderate or selfish men, OR women as one. I don't know. It's just blows my mind.


Been waiting for a woman to say this on TAM since the moment I got here. 

Thank you.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Been waiting for a woman to say this on TAM since the moment I got here.
> 
> Thank you.







Irritating women everywhere with my logic. 

Edited to add: I think we may have highjacked this thread and should put the brakes on.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Yep so many woman are overridden with emotion vs logic, OR because they've been burned and some albeit badly (my story ain't pretty and some of it was my own doing) by men, ALL men are evil and have motives that are not genuine. It's crazy. Not all people who have narcissistic tendencies are narcissist's, there is a difference. You can't just lump all the inconsiderate or selfish men, OR women as one. I don't know. It's just blows my mind.


Yeah, it took a while to get my wife straightened out after her 10 yr marriage to her serial cheating ex hubby. Several times I had to tell her I am not her damned ex hubby.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> It baffles me the amount of users that run to the aid of the complainant so blindly? I mean, I am a woman and right here reading the post can post the lack of evidence to prove her husband is just a completely complacent individual. There is so much omitted no one can help make any true suggestions to be of help EXCEPT address what it so obvious as insecurity. That's the only obvious factor and that she feels dismissed.


One could probably say she feels insecure because she is dismissed. If that were the case we should cue in the advice on communication rather than if she is right to worry over his possible cheating/flirting.

In that case I would ask how she is communicating her displeasure. If we are to assume that he is in fact not a flirt/cheater how can she approach him that does not trigger a defense response?


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> Yeah, it took a while to get my wife straightened out after her 10 yr marriage to her serial cheating ex hubby. Several times I had to tell her I am not her damned ex hubby.


I would bet that you could totally understand her concern BUT the simple fact is you're not that guy AND probably should have been something she dealt with prior to entering another relationship. Ideally anyhow. I'm currently talking with a guy whom I think I could have the potential to date in the coming months but I am VERY cognizant of the fact it would be easy to group him into the "what is it you're just looking for what I can do for you, what you can get out of me, ect"

It would be very unwise not to keep my guard up, but I too have to use LOGIC and not be an ass about assuming the worst.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Erudite said:


> One could probably say she feels insecure because she is dismissed. If that were the case we should cue in the advice on communication rather than if she is right to worry over his possible cheating/flirting.
> 
> In that case I would ask how she is communicating her displeasure. If we are to assume that he is in fact not a flirt/cheater how can she approach him that does not trigger a defense response?


She needs to be vulnerable with him with her insecurities instead of blaming him for them.

Reading some marriage communication books could be helpful.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Erudite said:


> One could probably say she feels insecure because she is dismissed. If that were the case we should cue in the advice on communication rather than if she is right to worry over his possible cheating/flirting.
> 
> In that case I would ask how she is communicating her displeasure. If we are to assume that he is in fact not a flirt/cheater how can she approach him that does not trigger a defense response?


I don't disagree with this. I do feel however she should be detailed about kind of thing however. It's much more to her advantage to leave this info out so as to gain a following of like minded posters who are just going to jump on the validation of her feelings. Would love to have enough info to validate either way, but conveniently enough we don't have those important details.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Cammy said:


> And then I share how I feel and he just shuts me down and says you’re the only one that’s like this. Anytime I express how I feel, it’s like God forbid.
> Also, then we go to another aisle and she follows us to that aisle, to exactly where we are and literally pretends she’s getting something right behind my husband. That really made me upset.


As others have noted, there's too little information shared. 

Based on what you have shared so far, I'm more concerned about your interpretation and vigilance. As in, could it not be possible that the other 'attractive' woman was coincidentally needing something from the same aisle? And then... if you had perceived her as unattractive, would you have still thought that she had 'followed' you to the aisle? 

I don't know what questions to ask you, that haven't already been posed by other members. Like some others here, what you have shared doesn't sound problematic to me. Unless there's more to it that you have yet to divulge, if I were in his shoes and just being my typical base-line courtesy with others that wasn't indicating interest or flirtation and my husband was taking issue with that, welp, we'd likely have a big problem on our hands / wouldn't last.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Oh, it must be projection, Diana, because that's the agreed upon buzzword of the week 😆


I thought the agreed upon buzzword was gaslighting… That seems to be some peoples go to, knee-jerk accusation in almost any situation, even when there’s thin to no details to support it


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I would bet that you could totally understand her concern BUT the simple fact is you're not that guy AND probably should have been something she dealt with prior to entering another relationship. Ideally anyhow. I'm currently talking with a guy whom I think I could have the potential to date in the coming months but I am VERY cognizant of the fact it would be easy to group him into the "what is it you're just looking for what I can do for you, what you can get out of me, ect"
> 
> It would be very unwise not to keep my guard up, but I too have to use LOGIC and not be an ass about assuming the worst.


Would have been ideal, but I snatched her up a month and a half before her divorce was finalized. She finally came to the conclusion she can trust me, I never gave up...came damn close, but she changed before I threw in the towel. In fact she says now, I am the only person she trusts completely.

Before she had it in her mind that men were incapable of not cheating. That we could not resist a woman's charms. After time, she saw I was, "Not your average 🐻! I liked and only ate from the picanic basket I had"


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Its too bad the OP didn't elaborate....but like a lot of threads it spawns some interesting discussion...

No two people are the same, but I would much prefer to be with a confident and self assured woman, that sees herself as the center of her man's universe....She doesn't give a crap about some woman at the market or a waitress in a restaurant....When I say she doesn't care about them, it's not personal, it's just that she knows where her man's real interest lies, so these little daily interactions never register on her radar...As a guy, I also don't have to be concerned that I need to constantly make sure she is feeling like "the one", by twisting myself into a pretzel or acting like a dog on a leash, to validate her weak self esteem, or boost her confidence...Whether that's the case here with this guy and the OP, I don't know....But it sure sounds that way from what she posted.......No thanks...


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

DudeInProgress said:


> I thought the agreed upon buzzword was gaslighting… That seems to be some peoples go to, knee-jerk accusation in almost any situation, even when there’s thin to no details to support it


Don't forget narcissist. After all every woman's ex is a narcissist. It's a proven TAM fact.


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## Music4Life (9 mo ago)

Cammy said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I’m just here venting, bc I don’t have anyone to vent to. And if I vented to someone I knew, they would judge me. So I prefer to vent on here, since no one knows me.
> Over a couple of months I’ve been very frustrated with my husband.
> ...



We don't have a lot of detail to work with here - but from experience and being a middle aged now, I'm 99% sure that you are the insecure, controlling type. I've been with that kind of woman before, and it's no fun. Even worse, I've been that kind of guy before. NO FUN. And do you know what it took for me? A woman to tell me how unattractive and unappealing it was for a great guy to be so unsure of another person's intentions. Hard pill to swallow, and especially hard as a man to admit it -but she was right. So in your case - again, without a lot of details, just an outsider looking in - is he running off and cheating with other women? Getting their contact info? If not, it may really be worth trying to handle things a different way. In my case, I ended up learning more about human psychology and coming back to the understanding that the more restraints we try to put on a person, the more they wanna get away. So we really have 2 options IF we want better results - 1. Find a person who can put the restraints that you have -on themselves. 2. Adopt more easy going interpersonal skills in your relationships. I.E. let people be who they are. If they mess up too bad, move along. If they don't, then you've built more solidity by being more mature and that gives an aura of greater confidence and attractiveness to the other person. Human psychology is a weird thing, but there's a lot of merit to these things, especially as we get older and understand things better.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DudeInProgress said:


> I thought the agreed upon buzzword was gaslighting… That seems to be some peoples go to, knee-jerk accusation in almost any situation, even when there’s thin to no details to support it


Very good example of it. Thanks for demonstrating


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Don't forget narcissist. After all every woman's ex is a narcissist. It's a proven TAM fact.


You also forgot “toxic” and “verbally abusive” to add to the buzz words list for woman to describe ex’s beginning sometime around 2018.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Very good example of it. Thanks for demonstrating


Everything is if you want it to be. 
Deflect, project, accuse. Repeat. At least you’re consistent.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

RebuildingMe said:


> You also forgot “toxic” and “verbally abusive” to add to the buzz words list for woman to describe ex’s beginning sometime around 2018.


Controlling as well.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

I think with any "buzzword" it should be looked at as an ongoing pattern. Some people are toxic, do verbally abuse, are codependent etc etc etc it can lend more credence to a person's account if the abuser shows a repeating pattern of behavior under multiple different cicumstances. In OP's case if she could show him as dismissive over ANY situation then yeah gaslighting may be apt because a person will default to different coping mechanisms under any type of stressor. But if it this particular subject that is off limits it may not be so cut and dried.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

OP:
I personally have invited you twice in this thread to offer more damning examples of your husband's behavior, because what you posted here does NOT look particularly inappropriate. However, you have failed to do so.

If you have no more egregious behavior than what you posted, then I would suggest that you might reassess whether your perception about your husband's behavior might not be inappropriate after all. If the vast majority of posters on this thread feel that your husband has done nothing wrong in the example you provided, then it should persuade most individuals to question themselves and their assumptions. (The ability to question yourself is one signo of intelligence.)

As for your statement that he ought to consider your feelings, I would ask if you are considering his. You say you argue about this on a daily basis, and that this is the only area you have an issue in. So, what would your reaction be if, every day, your spouse falsely accused you of flirting for exhibiting behavior that the vast majority of third party persons (TAM in this case) believe is innocent or even appropriate? Would it become tiresome for you? Would you become angry at having a baseless accusation thrown at you "every day"?


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## Cammy (5 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> I think that there are actually multiple problems. Remember you can't change your husband, you can only change yourself. Even if he understands your concerns, only your husband can change himself and his behavior. You can't.
> 
> Having said that I see two main issues. The first is that you are insecure when your husband is around other women. You really need to work on your insecurity. He chose to marry you. Is there a problem in your marriage that makes you feel he will not be faithful or committed to you? Is there something you can do to make you feel like you are more secure in your marriage? Has your husband ever don't anything substantive that would lead you to believe you don't have a solid marriage. Work on the things you have control over.
> 
> ...


Wow- I don’t know who you are. But you are very good. You gave me a few good insights. And have made some really good points. Thank you.
And yes I am insecure.


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