# Separated and awaiting divorce as she's not included in reconciliation



## Merchaj82 (Jun 18, 2018)

My wife and I have separate for the past 6 months now, she blamed me for everything going wrong, her family disowned her for 7 years for being with me because of the colour of my skin, we had issues in our marriage, we were referred to counselling by our Pastor, i overheard her in a conversation with her older sister (who she recently has been reunited with) badmouthing me and saying racist and stereotypical things about me. I confronted her about them she refused to even admit that it was her sister on the phone that she was speaking to, she intiated the separation saying the arguments are stressing her out she's going to live with her father. she said that she would attend counselling in the new year instead she just begun stonewalling me ignoring phone calls blocking me from social media and saying our marriage is over and she wants a divorce. I messaged her sent her flowers, birthday cards, attended private counselling and trying to fix things, wrote a letter, she gave it all to the police, claiming I'm harassing and following her (I ran into her twice in 4 months) I had to attend the police station to be told to stay away from her and accept that the marriage is over. Its been 6 months now, she continues to bad mouth me via social media and I haven't received any divorce papers yet, what is she waiting for? What should I do?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think that you may well need to be the one to end the marriage.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Why would you want to be with someone of such low character?

File yourself and move on.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Merchaj82 said:


> Its been 6 months now, she continues to bad mouth me via social media and I haven't received any divorce papers yet, what is she waiting for? What should I do?


She's waiting for you to do all the work? Were you the go-getter in the relationship? She's probably used to you doing everything for her.

You could wait for her to get around to it, but that might take years, if at all. Meanwhile, with the marriage still there on paper, you may be in for some legal problems.


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## Merchaj82 (Jun 18, 2018)

*Separated and awaiting divorce as she's not interested in reconciliation*

It really feels like she wants me to initiate the divorce, I feel like God wouldn't want me to do that and let her do that , I took my vows seriously, I just thought after walking away back to the family members who walked away from her for 7 years she'd of filed for the divorce for her greener grass especially after reporting me to the police for trying to sort our problems. Instead now she views my What'sapp status on a weekly basis which clearly shows the name and time of everyone who views it. Is it cowardice or another attempt to cause hurt to me knowing I didn't want a divorce or my religious beliefs 🤔


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Beliefs or an excuse to do nothing?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Merchaj82 said:


> My wife and I have separate for the past 6 months now, she blamed me for everything going wrong, her family disowned her for 7 years for being with me because of the colour of my skin, we had issues in our marriage, we were referred to counselling by our Pastor, i overheard her in a conversation with her older sister (who she recently has been reunited with) badmouthing me and saying racist and stereotypical things about me. I confronted her about them she refused to even admit that it was her sister on the phone that she was speaking to, she intiated the separation saying the arguments are stressing her out she's going to live with her father. she said that she would attend counselling in the new year instead she just begun stonewalling me ignoring phone calls blocking me from social media and saying our marriage is over and she wants a divorce. I messaged her sent her flowers, birthday cards, attended private counselling and trying to fix things, wrote a letter, she gave it all to the police, claiming I'm harassing and following her (I ran into her twice in 4 months) I had to attend the police station to be told to stay away from her and accept that the marriage is over. Its been 6 months now, she continues to bad mouth me via social media and I haven't received any divorce papers yet, what is she waiting for? What should I do?


The lesson being no matter what color your skin is never marry someone from a family of racists. Eventually a dog returns to its vomit. If you want to be vindictive contact some progressive website like Daily Kos and see if they will post your story. Maybe some blogger will figure out who she and her family is and they will be shamed to the point of destitution. Or you could just move on with your life grieve and try to find someone better. Lucky it seems you don't have kids.


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## Merchaj82 (Jun 18, 2018)

*Separated and awaiting divorce as she's not interested in reconciliation*

I need some biblical direction too, I used porn as a replacement because things dried up in that department for a while we had both became overweight , work during the week was tiring us out, she'd always sleep early, I'm a night Owl, I tried really hard to stop it, I didn't want it to happen in our marriage , so right up to our wedding night , I abstained, but no intercourse on our beautiful wedding night in Jamaica pushed me over the edge caused me to use it once again, I deeply regretted falling back into it, so a year later when I finally admitted to her that I'd used it and wanted to stop using it and that I used it when she didn't want to or I was frustrated, she blamed me for all our problems, she mocked me for it and didn't want to help me with support stopping. I connected the Internet and all my devices using covenant eyes that's how badly I wanted to stop.
she refused counselling or support from the Pastor of our church (she had told him I'd been used it, he would of advised her that it's biblical grounds for divorce) she became hostile over a very trivial squabble with my youngest sibling over 6 months ago , stopped attending family gatherings Christmas, birthdays, etc. every argument we had she would bring up my sibling and compare me to her, she sat in church with us all in front of the pastor said she didn't want to continue the fued with my sister and they'd meet up and move past it, after we left church she didn't want to, but began to seek counsel from a racist sister who only seeked forgiveness and became a shoulder for her to cry on a bad mouth me to. When we separated she told me to tell my sibling thanks for wrecking our marriage!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Do you seriously think staying in a sham on paper only "marriage" pleases God? I mean, I guess you could wait until she starts screwing other men to have Biblical grounds for divorce, but do you really want to do that?


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Bail out, Bro. Take the first step and end the legal marriage. You spoke about gaining weight, start eating healthy and join a group workout class. Keep yourself in church and counseling. Hangout with friends and don’t talk them to death about your marriage problems, cause it’ll bring them down even if they say it isn’t bothering them. Burden us here at TAM with that stuff. We’re equipped to deal with it and happy to listen! Do that thing you always wanted to do. 

Hang in there! 

Sending Love, Bro!!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## manknot (Jun 22, 2018)

I think you should give it a talk. I think she still loves you that's why she hates you. But then her family is a big contributor on her attitude towards you. If you guys can talk about it alone and heart to heart you might make things work out who knows? And if not then at least make her clarify her intentions.


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## Merchaj82 (Jun 18, 2018)

Does this mean she's in a relationship with this new guy, is this an attempt at gaining attention of a new relationship whilst still legally married hence the reason she acts likes it's all hush hush , I'm blocked by her on social media but I feel like this is an attempt at airing it to everyone on social look at me I'm getting flowers 💐


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: Separated and awaiting divorce as she's not interested in reconciliation*



Merchaj82 said:


> It really feels like she wants me to initiate the divorce, I feel like God wouldn't want me to do that and let her do that , I took my vows seriously, I just thought after walking away back to the family members who walked away from her for 7 years she'd of filed for the divorce for her greener grass especially after reporting me to the police for trying to sort our problems. Instead now she views my What'sapp status on a weekly basis which clearly shows the name and time of everyone who views it. Is it cowardice or another attempt to cause hurt to me knowing I didn't want a divorce or my religious beliefs 🤔


Is she a Christian? If so how does she justify doing what she is? 

Personally I would leave it for now. If she wants the marriage to end let her do it. Why should you pay for it? 

If she has done nothing in another 6-12 months, you may need to end it yourself. The Bible does say that if you are abandoned by an unbeliever(she is certainly acting like one), you are free to move on. If you find out she has another man before then, then you may as well end it because of her adultery.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Merchaj82 said:


> Does this mean she's in a relationship with this new guy, is this an attempt at gaining attention of a new relationship whilst still legally married hence the reason she acts likes it's all hush hush , I'm blocked by her on social media but I feel like this is an attempt at airing it to everyone on social look at me I'm getting flowers 💐


Hmm looks like she may have another guy, so basically she may be cheating.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Merchaj82 said:


> Does this mean she's in a relationship with this new guy, is this an attempt at gaining attention of a new relationship whilst still legally married hence the reason she acts likes it's all hush hush , I'm blocked by her on social media but I feel like this is an attempt at airing it to everyone on social look at me I'm getting flowers 💐


Of course she is seeing someone else but you've known this for a while already, you just are unwilling to face it. She has been gone for what 7 months now, sooner or later they start to become more public about it. 

She doesn't want you back, she has made that obvious. You keep telling yourself because she hasn't filed a chance still exists. It doesnt. It is not unusual she didn't file, she is away from you, as the saying goes "out of sight out of mind". She has no incentive to file and she knows you aren't going anywhere. 

You need to file, quit worrying about what she is doing and get to work healing yourself.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I do not understand people like this OP. What God (If there is a God) Had anything to do with you and your wife's relationship? You might think that God has anything to do with it, but in reality It's all in your head. 

You seem to be lacking in the man-up department. You think to have a "Deterministic View" of life, but let me tell you something: if you do not man-up and take the reigns of your destiny, someone else will do it for you; and mind my words it will not be a God.

Whatever your skin color. Your wife is now ashamed of it. This my friend It's more than sufficient reason to completely ghost her, and forget about her, that is if you have sufficient self respect.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Being a doormat just gets tou walked on.

You chase they always move farther away

Wake up for gods sake


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Who do you think think she was referring to as Mr C ockhold? What are the requirements of being a C ockhold?

That is not normally a word people use eveyday. Sorry, but she is with someone (or more than one) else.


You want biblical reference: Matthew 5, 32


Time to let her go


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## Merchaj82 (Jun 18, 2018)

I thank you for your words and advice, I believe this person is someone she goes to the gym with as she posts pictures on social media claiming that he's her gym buddy, I need healing and a focus for my life now, I tried to do the right things honouring my covenant! 🙏


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

I’m sorry, but while you may want the marriage, is there any evidence that SHE wants the marriage?

I think you know what you must do.
I’m sorry, and good luck


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

I can’t believe that I just read that Facebook feed. RUN. Burn anything associated with her. Go into witness protection. 

She is quite literally insane. She is also a 3/10 that thinks that she is an 8.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I can’t believe you are doing this.

She’s got you in trouble with the law.
She’s left you.
She’s dating other men.
She tells you she doesn’t want you.
You rarely get sex from her, not even on your honeymoon.

Honor your covenant????
The covenant is over when she left. 

You’re using your religious views to reinforce your own failure to accept reality and unwillingness to let her go. It’s not your choice. She’s gone. 
God has nothing to do with a man’s wife taking off. 

Wake up and stop chasing her before you wind up in prison. Seriously.

I looked at her Facebook page. I think you’d be hard pressed to find a woman more useless and rotten than your “wife”.

She has given you a blessing and you’re too blind to see it. The entire universe is screaming at you with a thousand voices to put this one behind you. 
What she wrote “mr cuckhold have me these”.... that’s one of the cruelest and evil things I’ve seen written on Facebook.

Let me tell you, a woman that takes daily mutiple selfies of herself in the gym working out—- that is probably one of the easiest red flags to see that she is a narcissistic *****.

She’s not great on the outside, she’s a seething cauldron of ugliness on the inside.

I’ll second it “run”!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> I do not understand people like this OP. What God (If there is a God) Had anything to do with you and your wife's relationship? You might think that God has anything to do with it, but in reality It's all in your head.
> 
> You seem to be lacking in the man-up department. You think to have a "Deterministic View" of life, but let me tell you something: if you do not man-up and take the reigns of your destiny, someone else will do it for you; and mind my words it will not be a God.
> 
> Whatever your skin color. Your wife is now ashamed of it. This my friend It's more than sufficient reason to completely ghost her, and forget about her, that is if you have sufficient self respect.


Marriage is a very important thing for the Christian and its not to taken lightly. Nor is divorce. 
If she is cheating then he is free to end the marriage. 
I have seen miracles happen in peoples marriages though, but it cant happen if one is determined to leave and has more or less rejected their faith.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Merchaj82 said:


> My wife and I have separate for the past 6 months now, she blamed me for everything going wrong, her family disowned her for 7 years for being with me because of the colour of my skin, we had issues in our marriage, we were referred to counselling by our Pastor, i overheard her in a conversation with her older sister (who she recently has been reunited with) badmouthing me and saying racist and stereotypical things about me. I confronted her about them she refused to even admit that it was her sister on the phone that she was speaking to, she intiated the separation saying the arguments are stressing her out she's going to live with her father. she said that she would attend counselling in the new year instead she just begun stonewalling me ignoring phone calls blocking me from social media and saying our marriage is over and she wants a divorce. I messaged her sent her flowers, birthday cards, attended private counselling and trying to fix things, wrote a letter, she gave it all to the police, claiming I'm harassing and following her (I ran into her twice in 4 months) I had to attend the police station to be told to stay away from her and accept that the marriage is over. Its been 6 months now, she continues to bad mouth me via social media and I haven't received any divorce papers yet, what is she waiting for? What should I do?


*File for divorce yourself! You absolutely don't need to subject yourself to any more of that horse crap! She and her family sounds like they are at an absolute minimum, pseudo-racists!

Plan a visit with a good family attorney to assess your legal and property rights and beat her to the punch in filing; as there are certain legal advantages in filing first!*


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

eric1 said:


> I can’t believe that I just read that Facebook feed. RUN. Burn anything associated with her. Go into witness protection.
> 
> She is quite literally insane. She is also a 3/10 that thinks that she is an 8.


Eric, you’ve greatly underestimated her view of herself. She clearly thinks she’s at least a 9.95.
Lol


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP, 
You do know that any debt she runs up until you file, likely becomes half yours.

And you do know what a cuckold is, right?

Your wife just told you she is sleeping with other men.

Adultery is accepted by God as a reason for divorce. You are an idiot if you don’t file for divorce.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Are you in the US? If so, what state?


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## Merchaj82 (Jun 18, 2018)

I live in the UK!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The thing you need most is getting out of denial. It's a very short term coping mechanism.

The longer you stay the tougher it is on you.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Does c ockhold have a different meaning in the uk?


Her Facebook lists her as single!

What more will it take for you to dump this one?!?!

I’m sorry, but do what you know you must do!

Good luck, and you can get out of this hell, you just need to choose to get out of it!


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

DK if she has rejected her faith in her own mind, but evidence suggests she has rejected her marriage over an ongoing period of time. The inertia in which you have been stuck will be hard to overcome. 

Talk to a lawyer; find support outside your faith right now. Once you start moving and recognize your dream has been lost, you should find clearer direction.


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## Merchaj82 (Jun 18, 2018)

I think the person's surname is Ockold, I do feel like a loyal fool, but yes I agree it is over now and I need to work on myself getting healing on moving forwards with my life. I've seen pictures today of them on instagram today she's left the profile open for anyone who isn't me to be able to view the photos. 🙏💪


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Talk to credit adviser. Find out how long it would take to fix your credit rating if you declare stop all payments. It might be worth it to stop payments and the. Spend next 18 months fixing your credit

Did you buy he furniture with a regular credit card or on store credit? If store credit, could the furniture be repossessed?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Buddy, there’s a lot of women out there.
Don’t let your mind screw you into thinking you can’t be happy without this one. 

The woman is trash.

You’ll be happier than ever before you know it.
Ghost her. Totally act like she doesn’t exist.
Divorce her.


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## Ab10lah (Jul 1, 2018)

OP, since the only reason you're reluctant to let go is your faith, which I understand, but try to seek counsel from your religious leader/mentor and let him know everything going on including the FB chat above. 

I highly doubt anyone will advise you to remain in limbo, while waiting for your wife to initiate the divorce proceedings. 

Also, what advice did you get from your parents (or close family members) on this?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Merchaj82 said:


> I live in the UK!


It's my understanding that, in the UK, it takes 2 years of separation to file for a divorce if both parties agree and 5 years to file if one does not. If this is true, or she believes it to be true, then that could be why she hasn't filed yet. She can't until the required period of separation is complete.

It is also my understanding that the process can be expedited if there is adultery, so speak to a lawyer/solicitor (?) to find out what you can do now, if anything. Frankly, she's broken the covenant, adultery is Biblical grounds for divorce, and the longer you stay married the more risk you run if she, say, runs up debt or gets into some kind of legal trouble and is sued for assets in joint names.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> It's my understanding that, in the UK, it takes 2 years of separation to file for a divorce if both parties agree and 5 years to file if one does not. If this is true, or she believes it to be true, then that could be why she hasn't filed yet. She can't until the required period of separation is complete.
> 
> It is also my understanding that the process can be expedited if there is adultery, so speak to a lawyer/solicitor (?) to find out what you can do now, if anything. Frankly, she's broken the covenant, adultery is Biblical grounds for divorce, and the longer you stay married the more risk you run if she, say, runs up debt or gets into some kind of legal trouble and is sued for assets in joint names.


You can divorce any time for unreasonable behaviour, which can obviously include cheating, abandonment, abuse etc. There need be no 2 year separation and to be honest you don't need to claim anything serious to divorce this way. 
I suppose she cant really divorce him for unreasonable behaviour when its her being unreasonable.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

eric1 said:


> I can’t believe that I just read that Facebook feed. RUN. Burn anything associated with her. Go into witness protection.
> 
> She is quite literally insane. She is also a 3/10 that thinks that she is an 8.


I had the same thought.


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## Merchaj82 (Jun 18, 2018)

Yeah all I have to go on are instagram photos and fb chat, unreasonable behaviour she probably won't sign off on, adultery could be difficult to prove, desertion /abandonment is probably the only other thing.


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## Merchaj82 (Jun 18, 2018)

Family want me to cut her off totally, some people in the ministry have said to let her take the initiative to file proceedings as she was the one to leave, breaking the covenant beginning the new relationship whilst married carries it's own consequences !


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Hopefully you are documenting and saving/screen saving everything.

Is there an old phone/tablet/erc of hers lying around?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Merchaj82 said:


> Family want me to cut her off totally, *some people in the ministry have said to let her take the initiative to file proceedings *as she was the one to leave, breaking the covenant beginning the new relationship whilst married carries it's own consequences !


While I try to respect other's opinions, I believe that to be absolutely horrible and ill-conceived advise.

Don't let someone else control your life. Don't let her run up debt that you are accountable for. Don't let her keep you in limbo.

Ditch the bimbo.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> You can divorce any time for unreasonable behaviour, which can obviously include cheating, abandonment, abuse etc. There need be no 2 year separation and to be honest you don't need to claim anything serious to divorce this way.
> I suppose she cant really divorce him for unreasonable behaviour when its her being unreasonable.


One of the reasons all 50 US states went to no-fault divorce is that proving adultery, abuse, and/or "unreasonable behavior" to the satisfaction of the court can be very time and resource consuming, if not impossible. In my state, all I had to do was purchase the paperwork, fill it out, file it, appear before the judge, swear under oath that the marriage had broken down beyond repair, and wait 30 minutes in the back of the courtroom for my final divorce decree to be printed and signed. The whole process took 3 months start to finish.



Merchaj82 said:


> Family want me to cut her off totally, some people in the ministry have said to let her take the initiative to file proceedings as she was the one to leave, breaking the covenant beginning the new relationship whilst married carries it's own consequences !


I don't know much about UK law, but in the US any child born to a legally married woman is automatically listed as the legal husband's child. Any debts are joint. In other words, if it works the same or similar in the UK, your "wife" gets knocked up, you're the presumed baby daddy. If your "wife" takes out loans and runs up debts or gets sued, you're on the hook for half.

Unless those in the ministry are practicing law, their advice isn't worth much.

Your "wife" already broke the covenant. It doesn't exist anymore other than on paper. She's going to live her life as a single woman and likely gives zero flying rats butts that she's technically married. All failing to file does is keep you legally tied to her and possibly partially responsible for whatever trouble she may get into and mistakes she may make.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> One of the reasons all 50 US states went to no-fault divorce is that proving adultery, abuse, and/or "unreasonable behavior" to the satisfaction of the court can be very time and resource consuming, if not impossible. In my state, all I had to do was purchase the paperwork, fill it out, file it, appear before the judge, swear under oath that the marriage had broken down beyond repair, and wait 30 minutes in the back of the courtroom for my final divorce decree to be printed and signed. The whole process took 3 months start to finish.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Here all you have to do is to write a few things down that you claim your spouse has done and they usually just grant the divorce. You don't have to prove anything unless the other spouse fights the divorce. My husbands ex had met another man and wanted to end the marriage. The things she wrote were laughable, very minor and skewed. As my husband said though, what was the point in fighting it if she wanted it to end it that much? I think that is the courts view, if someone wants to end the marriage then what is the point of refusing it? 

Most people who have been married for a along time could probably think of a few things that their spouse has done that annoys them. Then they can embellish them and add to them and make them sounds far far worse. So really it is fairly easy, but it does take far longer than where you are especially if there are children, assets, and the couple don't agree on some things. My husbands took 8 months and their children were both adults. Mine also took 8 months for the divorce and another 7 months after that for all the finances to be sorted. I have known some that took 2 years.


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## Merchaj82 (Jun 18, 2018)

I've decided I should file now, she's doing what she wishes, I think I've seen enough of this show and given enough time. I'll file on the grounds of adultery, as this is what's happening now. I've prayed for a solution for almost 9 months! Thanks for your supportive words!


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Congratulations and I’m sorry

I know that it hurts, but you have done far more than anyone could have expected you to do.

She is just a selfish woman!!!! And not even a good looking one! (She is a 6 Out of 10)

You know you will be much happier without this cancerous tumor in your life!!

Good luck and keep moving forward!


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