# Emotional Affair... that just Won't End..



## bc13 (Apr 18, 2013)

My wife and I met about three years ago when we were 17. We both had just come out of a break-up within the past 6 months. By July, we were physical and by September, she was pregnant. We were immediately told to get married by our families and other friends. It was the "right thing to do". About two weeks before our marriage, her Mom thought that it was a bad idea but by then, it was so far planned and everything, we just had to go on. We got married in December of that year. Keep in mind that at this point, I was still 17 and she had just turned 18 two weeks prior.

Throughout the first two years, things were awful. I was horribly stupid about being there for my wife, I was always fearful of my wife becoming more accomplished or smarter than I was etc etc. and our communication was almost non-existent. I was not a good husband..

About February of this year, my wife started talking again with her ex boyfriend. They had talked before since her and I had gotten married but it was never long and it was almost always platonic. There was a time last year where they she talked to him about getting closure from their relationship. That ended and she never heard from him again till about 3 months ago.

That is when it picked up. They were talking on facebook. Since her FB messages go to her phone, she just had him text her, which I was not happy about. Long story short, they ended up getting to a point where they were trading pictures back in forth and talking on the phone. Most of the pictures were appropriate enough to be put on Facebook but I've learned since then that she did send him a rather inappropriate picture. This went on for two months as her and I argued and were about to rip each other apart. She hid much of what they were doing from me and denied anything was going on until I exploded one day and confronted her.

The night before Easter, we got into a huge fight and I decided that I was done with her and her games. I was all ready to file for divorce that Monday.

I decided against it because while we rushed into the marriage, I didn't want to make the mistake of rushing out. So we just went day by day. She still would talk to him, even though it made me mad. She said that she was in love with him and that she wanted to be with him.. But that she did love me and didn't want to hurt me.. or our two daughters.. At the end of April, he decided that he was not going to talk to her because he wanted to figure out what he wanted to do with his life and what not. She was devastated. She cried for days afterwards. 

It was when I confronted her that I decided that I was going to tell her the horrible thing I have been hiding from her... I have been hooked on pornography since I was 13. In some circles, it is not a big deal but to me, it was a HUGE deal I never told anyone. My ex-gf never knew because she got jealous over my brother's gf texting me to see if he was out of band practice yet. Telling her would have put that relationship in the grave. So I hid this from my wife too. Even though she was not a jealous person at all. I told her how sorry I was and I showed her what I used on my phone to lok at it and I deleted it. I wanted to be fully commited to her.

Shortly thereafter, we made a plan to just try and work on the other things in our marriage and try to move on. However, I learned that even though she blocked in on her Facebook, used her backup Facebook to go and look at his profile and what not, since that profile was friends with him as well; several times a day. She also still had texts from him locked in her phone. A pictures saved on her phone. (She also had several pictures of him in her email that I just found out about the other day)

About three days ago, we made a plan to really, and truly work on our marriage for the next 9 months and then see where we are at then. We left for vacation with her family for the weekend; it went great. We got back in last night, and got into a fight. She says that she doesn't really want to do this last try. She says that while she thinks it is the right thing to do, she doesn't really want to and that she is hoping the wanting to will come to her. (She still is in love with her ex and wants to be with him). She has blocked him on both facebooks, deleted his number, and deleted the pictures of him both on her phone and in her email.

Am I just crazy for thinking that this could work? 
I feel like she needs to want to work on our marriage or it just won't work. Is her just doing this good enough? What else can we do to regain trust and build our loving relationship? Can that even happen if she still really wants to be with him? Do we just need to give it time? 

I'd appreciate all your thoughts. Thanks for reading.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

In a word, no. 

Please read this, it will hopefully give you some perspective. If she's so in love with this guy, then you are her Plan B and nothing else.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

I am agreeing with PreRaphaelite....it seems like your a plan b. 








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bc13 (Apr 18, 2013)

PreRaphaelite said:


> In a word, no.
> 
> Please read this, it will hopefully give you some perspective. If she's so in love with this guy, then you are her Plan B and nothing else.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


This was helpful. I've long said that I have felt like a plan b. I even was going to let her go for a time. For this very reason. I can't make her love me, especially not when she is still in love with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bc13 (Apr 18, 2013)

That is exactly what I've been feeling. I have long thought along the lines of "If you love her, let her go.." I just know that I'm not going to be anyone's plan b. I'm way better than that. 

I just don't want to see her or the girls, or myself get hurt... but.. it seems fairly obvious... I just don't know what to do.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

bc13 said:


> I just don't want to see her or the girls, or myself get hurt... but.. it seems fairly obvious... I just don't know what to do.


Time to accept that life is full of hurt. It just IS. Somebody is going to get hurt in this situation; that is inevitable. But prolonging this is going to make it hurt even more.

Let her go. Grieve the loss. And then get on with living.


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