# Devastated after finding out paternity results



## j_world

I have been married for 7 years and i have a 3 year old son and a 1 year old daughter. I just found out via dna kit that i am not the biological Father of the little girl. I'm devastated! I always had my suspicions but my wife lied to me. After the results came back, she confessed everything. I have no clue of what to do. I feel that i am her father because i raised her as my own and her brother loves her! The last thing i want is to go through a divorce because i know how scarring those can be To all involved, especially the kids. My wife is willing to work things out however i see fit, if i want to try and make the marriage work. I need help....


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## Chaparral

What do you know about the affair?

You should post this in the infidelity section.


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## j_world

Supposedly it was only 1 time with a guy she's known for 2 years. At the time it happened, everyone lived in the same city. We moved out of state a year ago so they haven't seen each other since it happened.

I will post over there as well.


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## ReidWright

"It was just once! when I was ovulating! without any protection!"

um, no, it wasn't once.


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## ConanHub

I would say, get the hell out!

Your wife is the very worst in women cheaters. She had no problem letting another man probe her birth canal and was stupid enough to get pregnant by him while letting you pay, in emotions, time and finances, to raise his child.

It was way more than once. Divorce her cheating, lying ass and see what legal recourse you have.

Not the kids fault so keep loving her. I believe it would be more harmful to remain in this marriage than to make a clean break.

Your wife needed to learn how to behave like a grown up human before becoming involved with you.


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## Yeswecan

Sorry you are here man. I agree with Reidwright...more than once. I think you only have seen the tip of the ice berg 

It is really nice your W is willing to work things out. Did you do something wrong that she is willing to work it out? Your W should be not only on board with working this out but cheer leading as well. I mean really, she has lied about the daughter and betrayed your trust.


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## toonaive

She not only cuckolded you, she led you to believe that you were the father of another mans child. She, so easily, did it once. What happens if/when she gets pregnant again. All of this will come back to haunt you. This is a tough spot, but your chance to get out.


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## BlueWoman

I don't know what you should do, but I would suggest you contact a lawyer. There are some legal ramifications, now that you know she is not your biological child.

If you continue to support your daughter, now that you know she's not your daughter, and you divorce later you are going to be on the hook for child support as the father on record. 

You may be willing to take that on. That makes you a good person. But you should know your legal rights and responsibilities. And decide from there. 

(Your wife might also be able to get support for your daughter from the OM. )


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## Married but Happy

At least find out your legal rights and obligations, see if you can obtain child support payments, find out if the other man has rights unless he signs over all parental rights, if necessary find out if the birth certificate can be changed if you wish, and be aware that you will see a reminder of your wife's cheating and lying every day for the rest of your life.

Find out who the other man is, and expose him if he's married.

Then decide if you want to take this on, or divorce her. If you do, better now than when the kids are older, IMO.


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## SamuraiJack

Not an easy situation at all.
All of the advice above is good so I can only add one other thing.

Just keep in mind, it's not the kids fault.


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## arbitrator

* If a "Come to Jesus" meeting hasn't yet occurred, then it should come about in pretty short order. But in doing so, there is really no plausible explanation as for her actions ~ as it's more than obvious that your W was rather busy spreading her loins in more than just the domiciliary locale!

First off, seek help from an IC in coping with this sordid discovery! Short term, please read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. Then when you finally regain your emotional resolve, get your butt post-haste to a good family attorney's office, one who is a piranha in the courtroom, to explore your rights in living through this deceptive charade of such a cuckoldic relationship that you were forced to summarily endure! Not only should you file for D, but you need to have full custody of your son. You are a far better father for him on your worst day, than she is a mother for him on her very best one!

As an aside, has your son been paternity-tested as well? If not, she has more than left you with ample justification to do so!

Sorry to see you here at TAM, but you have definitely come to the right place!*


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## Happilymarried25

You may not be the biological parent of your daughter but you are her Dad and you are the only Dad she knows. Assuming your wife isn't still cheating and you have regained trust I don't see why you can't stay married and raise her as your own.


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## Thound

Read today's Dear Abby. Your kids will be ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

Thound said:


> Read today's Dear Abby. Your kids will be ok.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yup.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

Dude. I'm so sorry.


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## Thor

j, sorry you're in this situation.

I agree with what has been said overall so far. It is ok for you to love this child as your own yet have bad feelings to your wife for what happened.

To clarify what others have said: You may be able to obtain child support payments from the bio dad. You may be at risk of losing custody to bio dad if he finds out about the child. If your wife leaves you in the future you may lose custody of the child. You need to talk to a good family lawyer to find out exactly what your rights, risks, and obligations are at this point in time.

I see 3 issue at play here. 1 is whether/how you maintain a parent relationship with the baby. It is purely your choice, though you do need to talk to a lawyer to know the landscape. 2 is financial. What are your child support obligations going forward if your wife divorces you? What if you discover more affairs and want to divorce her? Are you on the hook financially? 3rd is the marriage. All of these issues are separate, and you should not make them contingent on each other. You can divorce her but seek custody of the baby. You could stay married and possibly seek child support from bio-dad. You could divorce her and try to escape child support for the baby.

Have you dna tested the older child yet? You should do so just to establish for certain he is yours.


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## LongWalk

What convinced you to do the paternity test? Did your wife know you were doing it?


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## phillybeffandswiss

Happilymarried25 said:


> You may not be the biological parent of your daughter but you are her Dad and you are the only Dad she knows. Assuming your wife isn't still cheating and you have regained trust I don't see why you can't stay married and raise her as your own.


To me, this is like a man telling a woman to "get over it" when she has been abused in some fashion. Paternity FRAUD is an ugly thing for men. Let alone, having your doubts confirmed three years into a marriage. 

Sorry, if he chooses to stay he needs to get all the legal, financial, psychological and spiritual decisions addressed before entertaining "stay married and raise her as your own" comes into play.

Terrible way to find out and I wish it could be different. This is an ugly road, I wish no one had to journey down.


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## Clay2013

I am so sorry for you. I just could not stay. There is just no way I would stay with a woman that would do that to me. 

I can't imagine the pain you are going through right now. I am sorry. 


Clay


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## commonsenseisn't

j_world said:


> The last thing i want is to go through a divorce because i know how scarring those can be To all involved, especially the kids. QUOTE]
> 
> Yes, it can be hard on the kids, but do you think the alternative is easier? I doubt it.
> 
> How well do you think those kids will thrive having parents in a sham marriage and you filled with resentment trying to gut out each day with the bitc! who committed paternity fraud upon you?


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## commonsenseisn't

[QUOTE Supposedly it was only 1 time with a guy she's known for 2 years.[/QUOTE]

Only 1 time? 

Do you believe this?


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## j_world

I see that i have definitely come to the right place, thanks everyone for the feedback. I got the notion to do a dna kit after a friend of mine told me there was some guy going around telling people that the baby was his. I confronted my wife immediately and she denied it but she seemed to act very personal when the guy was mentioned, so I persisted to have the test done. She agreed and assured me that I had nothing to worry about. When i confronted her with the results, she immediately started crying and repeating "this can't be, it was only 1 time" over and over. I asked her why she didn't tell me about this and her response is that "she didn't want to lose what she had and never knew how to tell me of their fling". She acted very shocked to learn i wasn't the biological father. I'm empty right now, i have no power to fight with unlimited questions circling my head. We had a "come to Jesus meeting" and the only thing that made sense to me was to do a test for my son. I feel as if i shouldn't make a move until i know if he's mine or not. If he is not mine, divorce is the ONLY option. If he is...i will have to find some solution because I definitely don't want to hurt the kids but i can't even stand to look at her. The feelings i have for her now make me sick to my stomach and i don't think that will change. Thanks again for allowing me to vent here...i can't even talk to someone face to face about this right now without losing my composure


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## SecondTime'Round

Your kids will definitely be OK if you divorce. In my opinion, the younger the better in terms of that. Accept your daughter as your own....you love her....but you have every stinkin' right to divorce that woman.


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## gouge_away

Willing to work it out....
Were talking about using a human being as collateral correct? Not a puppy...
Ugh... entitlement in all its disgrace.


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## gouge_away

Your daughter is 1 right...
If you want out now is the time! Don't wait till she's 3 or older.


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## MarriedDude

See a lawyer. Find out your rights. DO THIS NOW.

You did NOTHING WRONG. There was NOTHING that you could have done to warrant this treatment. Your wife is a monster for doing this to you and your family. 

If you stay with her...you are a better man than I could ever be. Couldn't do it. I have my passport and my F%^K you money...I would be out the door and gone forever. She would never see me or a dime for the rest of her life. 

Do NOT sleep with your wife. Do NOT promise her anything. Tell her you need TIME..and take as much as you need. 

What she does and doesn't do during this time will tell you everything you need to know.


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## gouge_away

sargon said:


> There's no good time to cut and run.. but for the child's sake you want to break the bond now, before it gets any stronger.
> 
> No matter who was lied to, the child is an innocent party in all of this.
> 
> I read a story recently where a guy was tricked into thinking the child was his, he didn't challenge paternity in time because he never even knew, he divorced his wife, and the courts made him support the child.. what's worse is that the wife and father of the child moved in together and the poor deceived guy had to send child support checks every month to his exwife and her boyfriend to support their biological child!


I would absolutely refuse, and spend my time in jail building my civil rights mob.


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## LongWalk

Is OM married?

Usually exposure to his wife will soften him up for child support.

Your wife's story about one time is not especially credible.


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## Thor

Don't have sex with her until you talk to an attorney. If you do have sex after you find out about the infidelity, courts may take that as you forgiving her. If infidelity is a factor in your state for divorce, you will lose that advantage by having sex with her.

Also, be absolutely certain to not get her pregnant! Don't believe a thing she says now, including about birth control. She may try to reel you back in with lots of sex, and she might even try to trap you into staying by getting pregnant.

If you want more of the truth, you could have her take a polygraph. I think it is just a bit too soon by a few weeks, because you need to get your thoughts and emotions more settled. A polygraph can elicit a confession before she goes in, and/or it can detect if she is lying about the extent of her fling(s). While not perfect, it is a valid tool if you decide to try to reconcile with her.


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## arbitrator

U


Thor said:


> If you want more of the truth, you could have her take a polygraph. I think it is just a bit too soon by a few weeks, because you need to get your thoughts and emotions more settled. A polygraph can elicit a confession before she goes in, and/or it can detect if she is lying about the extent of her fling(s). While not perfect, it is a valid tool if you decide to try to reconcile with her.


*Or if she is deemed to be a pathological liar, then she certainly won't have any trouble at all in "beating" a polygraph!

That's largely why the vast majority of states absolutely will not certify nor accept their results in court!*


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## aine

So so sorry to hear of your situation. Why do people do this to those they supposedly love? 
You need IC first of all. You can still be a good father without being married to her. She has done the unforgivable and led you on for a year. The affair is bad enough but having another man's kid and pretending it is yours that is terrible. 
You should not make any rash actions now as you need to deal with the emotional turmoil first. It also depends on whether she is remorseful and prepared to do everything to make your marriage work and whether you want it or not.
Then see a lawyer to consider your options.


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## gouge_away

Do you think you can love this girl like your own son?

In the long run, knowing now her origin, and all the responsibility of raising another scumbags daughter, do you think your love for her will be the same as for your son?

Read: Hosea


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## legaleagle

Sorry to hear this news. Please go see a local competent Attorney to advise you of your rights and responsibilities regarding the child. Before you make any decision as to whether you stay or go you need to have that information. You need to know what you could possibly be on the hook for. 

Once you have that knowledge, take all the time you need to make up your mind as far a what you want to do. But keep in mind that it is not the child's fault. So if you do want to leave don't wait too long for her to get older where she would be aware of the absence of you in her life. 

Hang in there!


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## Clay2013

I tested my kids in 2013 while my son was sixteen and my daughter was thirteen. It took me a week to read the results after I received them. My xW was a serial cheater. She lied even when there was evidence pushed right in her face. The fact your wife never once came to you and confesses especially when she found out she was pregnant tells you ever thing. She never had any plans on saying anything. She had 9 months to think about this and say something . She chose not to. You were being used and you can expect she will keep this up as long as she can. 

I highly doubt it was the only time she had sex with someone else. When my wife cheated on me I seriously wanted to go out and do the same thing and the first thing I thought of was having protection. 

I am sorry I know this hurts but I think its time for you to start realizing your the only one that is going to look out for you from now on aside of family. I would get a lawyer and get my name off the other childs birth certificate. I would plan for my departure with my son as soon as I found out he was mine. There is no way in hell I would let her raise him. 

I left my cheating wife and kept all four of my kids. She left with hardly anything and ran off to go be with the other man. 8 years later she had three more kids with him and she ran off with another man and left him with the kids. I don't know about all cheaters but the one thing I do know is they will lie even if there life depends on it. Your never going to know the truth. Get out while you can. Your son deserves better. 

Just my 2cents. 

Clay


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## Pluto2

I'm sorry life brought you here. There is a lot of good advice here, so listen and read a lot.

I can share that one of my dear friends (male) went through this. He suspected, the tested his youngest child, only to find out she wasn't his. If memory serves, the child was less than 2. His wife wanted a divorce and wanted to disclose his lack of paternity (she's a bit crazy) and move out of state with the two kids. My friend fought it and won. The OM was an unemployed, druggie dude who would have been a horrible role model. OM was denied any right to interfere in my friend's family. So my friend made the conscious choice to love and accept the younger DD as his own. I can tell you he has never regretted being the father to that girl and keeping the siblings together. 

I'm sharing only because I personally know someone who went through this and survived, happily. Its not a path for everyone.


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