# A different kind of feeling...



## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

The phases we go through in this whole mess of separation/divorce are so curious to me now. 

As of now, I am no longer grieving what we have lost or our future together, all the plans I had for us, where I saw us years from now, etc. Right now, I miss him. Simply him. Not memories of us. Just him. It's a weird feeling. I'm not anxious and I don't feel like my heart is imploding. It's calm. 

Right now, I am feeling badly for him. He may lose his job or be transferred to a different position. He loves his current position, but due to circumstances out of his control, he may lose it. His career is what he identified himself with. He always put work first (in my eyes), but now that may all come crashing down. I wonder how this will effect him and his feelings towards separation/divorce. He's been drowning himself in his work and I just wonder what will come next for him. He's said before that he feels like he's "lost everything" (his life, his family, etc), feels like a failure. He still had his job at that point. I fear for him if he loses his job too. 

Last night, he vented to me about his job situation and it's the first time in a while that we just talked. I may have made a mistake and gave him a hug before he walked out the door. I felt for him. I was sad for him.

Anyway, I am concerned about him and I miss him. I've been missing him for a while now, but I never let him know that. Oh well. This too shall pass.


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

it's funny, at the moment I am only remembering the bad stuff - because he's still exhibiting exactly the same behaviour

all the things he said only a few weeks ago have been proved to be totally false - that he wouldn't abandon D (he hasn't bothered to even text her in two weeks), that he'd move his stuff out quickly (errr, still waiting), that he'd get his direct debits and other payments sorted (ha!), that he'd get help for his depression and anger (decided he doesn't need it), get a job sorted (doesn't need to now I've essentially paid him to leave)

it's like he's walked away and dropped everything - all he's concentrating on is himself and furnishing his new flat with my money, not that I'm bitter or anything ha ha

it's like all the faults that I put up with when we were married (selfishness, immaturity, total lack of self-awareness or insight) have come into blazing technicolour and I can't believe I've wasted all that time with him

I don't miss him one tiny bit - but maybe that's because I'm so irritated with myself for putting up with this sh*t and not recognising it. I know that it will all come crashing down when he realises he's lost his safety net but won't be my problem

I feel almost envious of people who still have deep feelings for their ex's because it means there was something real there. My total lack of emotion other than irritation makes me wonder if there was ever anything real for us...


----------



## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

It took a lot of reflection/introspection for me to get past anger/resentment and truly own my part without just giving it lip service. It was a huge weight off my soul and it helped me focus. I'm accepting what's happening, doesn't mean I understand it fully. You never can get into someone else's head. I'm not "panicky" missing him. Just calmly missing him. If that makes sense. Not a hyperventilating anxious kind of missing, more of a slight sigh kind of missing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

i totally feel that today wildflower, i get it- as my anger begins to fade- not desperately missing him just a mild ache.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Wildflower3 said:


> It took a lot of reflection/introspection for me to get past anger/resentment and truly own my part without just giving it lip service. It was a huge weight off my soul and it helped me focus. I'm accepting what's happening, doesn't mean I understand it fully. You never can get into someone else's head. I'm not "panicky" missing him. Just calmly missing him. If that makes sense. Not a hyperventilating anxious kind of missing, more of a slight sigh kind of missing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Excellent description, you put into words where I am right now. Thanks so I didn't have to : ) I totally get it.

Question, does he ever ask about your life? You wrote so much about his and how much you care. Does he?


----------



## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

sd212 said:


> Excellent description, you put into words where I am right now. Thanks so I didn't have to : ) I totally get it.
> 
> Question, does he ever ask about your life? You wrote so much about his and how much you care. Does he?


He does. He asks how my day was, if he finds something out about my mother (who is ill), he asks about it, he asks about work, etc. He does have concern for me, but I think he's following my lead. I'm the one who cut off family time (not time with the kids, I don't want to take that from him, so when he comes over on his nights, I make sure I'm busy elsewhere). He knows I hurt, so he isn't pushing. I know he feels tremendous guilt. He feels like he's not only ruined his life, but mine as well. 

At the beginning of our separation, we talked ALOT. Mainly about my feelings over our relationship. And he listened. And understood. And actually apologized for the way I felt. This helped tremendously in getting things off my chest and helped in healing resentments. He didn't do too much talking about his feelings. His deep feelings. I don't think he can articulate where he really is right now. I hope he gets there.


----------

