# Adults Sites ... thoughts ...



## sad_angel (Jul 10, 2012)

So my husband has been on adult sites, as far as I know it isn't a habit but something he does do.

One of my questions for the guys is it just looking cause it is a guy thing to do?

Is it normal for married guys to be on such sites?

Now I know there is "looking" at photos of beautiful women and then there are the sites where you sign up and can chat online, flirt, meet up.

Which would be appropriate and not appropriate?

If things are not so good at home then does going to the sites make it worse?

Please feel free to ask more questions if needed.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Occasional looking IMO is normal. Often is bad. Interacting is really dangerous and should be forbidden.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

sad angel;

here is my opinion, and i'm sure you will get more.

1. Although many guys MAY do it, I don't think it's a healthy thing in a marriage. I doubt if most happily married men are engaged in this really. a happily married man should lust for his wife, not other women. I will admit that i will look at a nudie picture now and then, look at a magazine gorgeous woman, et, but i try not to make a habit of it. My belief it's wrong and an affront to my wife.

2. It acutally depends more on what the adult site actually is.
the only one i;m actually familar with a friend of mine whoed me, it's well known called 'adult friends' the stuff on there was pretty much porno, people exhibiting themselves if you get what i mean. I mean, I would stay away from it even if i wasn't married. It's a pure sex hook-up site as far as i can tell.
BUT, having said that, im sure there are more innocent sites out there.

yes, absolutely if things are not good at home, it makes it worse, although IMHO it is always a bad thing when a husband or wife has a habit of looking at other people.

what's the matter with this world?????!!!!!!

good luck to you sad angel, i pray you will get through this and be sad no more.


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## sad_angel (Jul 10, 2012)

Thanks to both of you. 

Overall, my feeling is if you are a guy and need/want to look at nude photos or watch porn that is fine with me, as long as things are good on the home front.

So for me things are not good on the home front with him being distant from me, there was a known affair, and abuse (verb / emotional) from him. 

After the affair he was on the adult site (fling) where you can hook up with people. When I asked him what that was about cause I suspected he met a girl from there (no real proof). He said nothing, that he likes to go on the sites to "flirt".

I guess I have a big problem with that cause why not flirt with your wife????? Why not bring the passion to us and the effort to our relationship. 

But now I noticed that on his phone last year and beginning of this year there are photos he downloaded from a site. Which checking out the site it is a place where photos are posted and you can comment on them to the girl.

Just feel really hurt and betrayed again and why not would I think he is cheat again. I really feel in my heart that is it something he MUST do and has to do.

No respect for me when I said it bothers me...?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"I guess I have a big problem with that cause why not flirt with your wife????? Why not bring the passion to us and the effort to our relationship."

Exactly


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> a happily married man should lust for his wife, not other women.


A happily married man lust for his wife MORE than he does for other women or you actually don't know happily married men even if you think you do.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> "I guess I have a big problem with that cause why not flirt with your wife????? Why not bring the passion to us and the effort to our relationship."
> 
> Exactly


a woman would be lucky to have you. You really know how to boost her self esteem. 

In regards to the OP: your husband sounds like a serial cheater. He can't get enough apparently. Considering marriage counseling? I don't like the abuse part, that scares me.


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## sad_angel (Jul 10, 2012)

Thanks hotdogs.
We are currently going to counseling.

I just feel in limbo with the whole marriage, some days I think I should leave and others I think wow it was a good day. 

He had an affair 5 months before getting married to me. It was with a co-worker which then turned into an emotional affair for maybe 3 to 4 years. Which I found out everything to that. He denied it but then said "sorry" / "I want for us to work through this". In that time too there with the adult sites. I believe 3 different ones. Of course against my guy feeling I agree to working through the affair. I had doubts that I wouldn't be able to forgive but I was willing to try. I setup counseling (went to one session and he said too much money), I gave him some questions to answer (I answered too) but he didn't do those - got defensive. Then from the time I approached him with everything I found out (2009) he started to become more and more verbally and emotionally abusive. I didn't realize what was happening other then I would feel horrible and wonder what I was doing wrong. I thought we wanted to fix this - I finally got to the point beginning of this year that I thought "wow I deserve WAY better". So it turned into a HUGE fight, which I told him I didn't love him like I did before. He suggested counseling, I agreed (don't know why). I sometimes think I don't want to hurt him by saying I am just done.

Month and a half went by and he never took the initiative to look for a counselor or see what the insurance covers for counseling. It was me that did (again!). 

So between the affair, adult sites, verbally and emotional abuse (ton of hurtful things he has said - some I still can't believe came from his mouth) and now knowing he is still fine with himself looking at girls online and god only knows what else.

Part of me can almost guarantee he is doing something he isn't suppose to be doing. Debating on asking him to log into his one email account just to prove me wrong. Cause that is the only one I don't have a password to and he knows it. Plus, in counseling I mentioned the trust issues and mentioned that email but there hasn't been the openness to show me I am wrong.

Sorry that was kinda long and I went off and running. 
Just feel really lost at this point.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What does your counsellor say about the adult sites?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sad_angel (Jul 10, 2012)

We have touched gently on that topic. I think it is going to come up again since it is something that is bothering me deeply.

At this point the counselor has just reiterated things I have said. Has occasionally tried to explain things a little more so that he understands.

Like I mentioned above not really how I thought counseling would go. But it is a start I suppose.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think that going on a porn site is ok as long as it's not a substitute for real sex with your wife. 

I think that going on a hookup site like fling or A.M. or AFF or chat roulette is wrong for a married person under any circumstances. It's an attempt to cheat. His BS about just going there to flirt just means that he hasn't been successful yet in his attempts at finding an affair partner. Maybe his justification would make sense if you were looking over his shoulder and participating in the flirting, but I suspect that he does this behind your back and you don't know exactly what he says on these sites.

He's already had one affair. You need total transparency, and total non-contact for these types of sites. Somehow there has been some rugsweeping going on from the last time. A truly remorseful husband would not be doing this.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

I have been married over 15 years and barely a day has gone by that I didn't wack off to porn. It is no slight to my wife other than I am much more HD than she is. 

Guys are all horny and even if you have sex frequently, it's just something we do. Guys will even look at porn just to warm up for sex later. 

Women should not see this as anything against them. The only suggestion I can make is to have sex or even BJ, HJ more often if it bothers you that much. Maybe more sexual activity at home will cause his porn urge to lessen. 

When I look at porn, I enjoy finding women that remind me of my wife because she is a major turn on to me.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

sad_angel said:


> He said nothing, that he likes to go on the sites to "flirt".


This is unacceptable. Sexual interaction of any sort by your husband with another woman is a huge red flag and should not be tolerated.


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

Sounds like your husband has self-esteem issues. That's why he is flirting on these sites, and that could be why he had the affair. It makes him feel good to have multiple people want him. Your counseler should be focusing on that.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Why do you go to the Casino?
To gamble your money and try to get lucky.

Why do you go to the supermarket?
You go to the supermarket to buy food.

Why do men go to an adult dating website?
They go to an adult dating website to pick up women who are interested in having casual sex.

Full Stop.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"Why do men go to an adult dating website?
They go to an adult dating website to pick up women who are interested in having casual sex."

amen!


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## sad_angel (Jul 10, 2012)

Thanks for all the comments they really have helped.

I know I am at this point that I am questioning EVERYTHING and wondering if I am overreacting to anything or making a big deal out of something that really isn't. 

One last question: With him needing to have total transparency to show me he is behaving himself, he should have no problem in showing me his one email account I don't have access too?

Is that asking too much from him and/or invading his privacy?


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

I won't share my email account password with my wife, but I will let her look at it over my shoulder any time she wants. She has no reason to doubt me, no past affairs, but I can tell that she strategically shows up when I have e-mail open. It is a little irrirating, but I let her look. I don't even mind if she reads all of the e-mails, but it's really irritating when I get SPAM for mail enhancing products, or free pictures, etc. and she thinks it is something I asked for. 
This provides transparency, but still makes me feel like I'm not being monitored like a child.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

TELL ME THIS:

Sometime men dont understand how hurtful it is to the wife so would this be HARSH if the wife- - Printed out an 8 X 10 photo of herself and labeled it " NEGLECTED WIFE WAITING TO GET IT ON WITH A MAN THAT HAS A HUGE C _ _ _ !

Leave it where the husband can see it...Personally I think his reaction will 

In the pic the wife has on a nighty and heels posing sexy on the stairs or bed...

Would this hit home for a husband that doesnt understand how hurtful it is to the wife?????


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I couldn't put up with that. It is adultery IMO and not healthy for a marriage.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

There's nothing healthy about him going to adult sites and "flirting". He's putting energy into relationships with other women online (and possibly off) instead of into his marriage with you. 

If he is keeping his phone locked and away from you, then there is definitely something going on that he is hiding. Considering his past history with cheating, he should be the one bending over backwards to make sure that you are feeling safe and secure in your marriage, which, from what you write, he isn't.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Your husband needs his a$$ kicked to the curb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Maybe if you watched together to spice things up, but that is it. He's giving his thoughts and desires to pictures and not you. It may start off harmless but he's going down a road that leads to nothing but doom and gloom. I'm speaking from experience. 

Now if he is chatting with women and going to dating sites, that is the same as cheating to me.


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