# i need a mans word if possible..my h cheated



## lovebug82 (Nov 11, 2009)

my h cheated on me in november i was away one night with my mom n he was hanging out with his bestman from our wedding (we will be married 1 yr on sunday 4/18 anyway we have a 10 yr relationship)

so he said he was hanging out with his friend whom i know very well for like 8yrs and my h said his friend called a stripper over he says his friend gave him the condom n he wasss sooooo drunk and she gave him oral sex then they had sex but he threw her off n didnt finish n left the house and sat in his carcause he couldnt drive ...well 2days later he told me...he was crying and soo sad n disopointed in himself and sick over the fact that he hurt me...we hav never broke up or cheated on each other in 10yrs..y now y now wen we were newly weds....just trying for a baby (he wanted too) he says he doesnt know y he did it...but i dont know y he allowed himself to be in a situation like that it has now been 5 months and i cant get over it he is soo sorry but im too sad idk wut to do please help im heading for divorce i feel there is nothing to be happy about in our relation ship


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Can't say I'd ever put myself in that situation.

Not sure what you are asking or looking for. This is NOT normal guy behavior - even when there is a stripper and alcohol involved.

The fact that he told you is a good sign - as opposed to all the people here who refuse to admit they've done anything, even when caught red handed.

What do you want to do? Counseling might be a good first step. I think I'd hold off on trying for a baby for a little while - at least until things settle down. Have always heard that having children makes the good things better and the bad things worse in a relationship.

Good luck.


----------



## lovebug82 (Nov 11, 2009)

im not sure either.im very hurt.he made me feel like everthing was perfect and then he soes this...he was so excited to try for a baby and we were trying a month then this.it doesnt seem normal of his behavior to act like this i feel like part of the story is missing even though i know the worst part! Thank you for ur time


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

How long have you been together and how long married? Do you believe it when he says he's sorry? And reason to think he's cheated before?

I've been married 15 years. The best and most surprising advice I can give you is to trust your gut. You say you feel like part of the story is missing - how so?


----------



## lovebug82 (Nov 11, 2009)

together 10yrs and this sunday will be 1yr married....i do believe hes sorry but i feel so betrayed that he sis this to me to us!...i know his friend was kinda like that butmy h would always say wen his friend was up to know good he would leave and come home ....he always told me everything we were good....so i just dont get y this time was different y didnt he just walkk away he says it was just him and his friend a 1 stripper and wen he left and kinda made it seem like his friend was going to have her next .that makes me sick hes not dirty like that..its so not the man i have know for 10 yrs..he got tested rite after this happen ..i do love him but i just caNT GET THIS OUTTA M HEAD AND NOW ALL HIS COUSINS R GETTING DIVORCED/SEPERATED AND HE SAID HOW STUPID THEY R AND HE DOES THIS....I KNOW I TALK A LOT I JUST NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE.....thank you


----------



## missgypsy (Mar 25, 2010)

this sucks! counseling for you for sure, at least to help grieve and heal... then decide... drunk or not, shouldn't of stayed around and what a bad friend that bestman turned out to be.. the good thing is he told you.. but be careful.. he did say he was "sooo drunk" possiblity of no condom use.. get checked  hope you get better, time heals everything if you have a way to cope, and counseling helps, I've tried it


----------



## lovebug82 (Nov 11, 2009)

yes i was thinking of couciling ..yea he said his friend gave him a condom ..it just all suxs ty


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Of course he cheated. But maybe you two can repair things.

Marriage counseling for sure.

Just because he confessed to something doesn't mean he didn't cheat. It may or may not even be the whole truth, btw.

So beware.

Insist on both of you getting checked for STDs.

And maybe not hanging out with drunken friends is in order.


----------



## povidiu (Apr 14, 2010)

Even if was "just" a stripper and it wear condom, it not excuse his behaviour. And as many said: If he has doit once, he will doit again...be aware.


----------



## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

OK , he did it because at the time it seemed fun enjoyable whatever. He figured you would never find out and therefore he would not get in trouble and you would not get hurt. 

However it looks like he really does love you and he had to confess because guilt got to him, he wants to be honest with you. Nope, doesn't excuse it. Certainly doesn't make your pain go away. Doesn't take away a really poor, disrespectful decision he made. But it does show remorse and that he knows he did wrong and that he is willing to take ownership(something is seems very few like to do) of his poor actions.

My opinion get counseling together, maybe even some on your own. Learn how to communicate, how to show each other love better.

The question of forgiving does not need to come up right away. It is OK to tell him you are not able to forgive him now but hope that some day you will be able to.

You say "there is nothing to be happy about in this relationship" does this mean that prior to your hearing of this you were already considering divorce?


----------



## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

It sounds like he may need to make better choices and not hang out with certain types of people.

*The real question is, what do you want to do?*

While I would encourage you to stick together and work it out, in order to re-establish trust and heal your relationship, you'll need to make sure that you both want it, not just you.

Is he sorry for just getting caught? Does he realize that you both have issues you can work on to make your marriage better?

If so, then, yes, I would go for counseling. Otherwise, you may just be wasting your time.


----------



## lovebug82 (Nov 11, 2009)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lovebug82 (Nov 11, 2009)

lovebug82 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ty yes he is sorry and he wants to move on n still have family n be happy...he has made some changes.. But he still tells me he doesn't know y he did it but he regrets it..I just can't believe he went through with it 10 yrs together never any infidelity of any kind he is my fist n only I think that's y it hurts so much cUss we had such a long true history .y would he allow himself to be in this situation unless he wanted to today is our 1yr wedding anniversary n it was real hard we fought or I should say I did I'm stiill sooo sensitive and I don't know wut to do he never says I do anything wrong except that we don't have sex enough we use to have it like 3x a week I though that's good after 10 yrs ..n he never blamed this on me or on sex but wut other reason did he have to hurt me soo bad I wanna c past this but it's soo hard wen we have sex I can only think of wut he did and it makesme cry...sorry Ty everyone for the advise I really need to talk to my friends but I can't tell know one I'm too embarressed maybe I'll seek counceling alone first Ty!!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Clearly he hangs out with the wrong people. The fact that his best man encouraged him to break his vows is awful. Since your husband doesn't know why he did it I would STRONGLY encourage him to get into counseling. You have been married for under 1 year. 
Also, I would STRONGLY encourage you not to proceed with children until he figures this out. Being drunk is no excuse. In fact, I think it truly brings out the real person inside. He needs to figure this out.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

He needs to break off the "friendship" with the other guy. Seems like a fairly routine horny male experience apart from his morality kicking in halfway through the act.

Counseling may help. You both need to find out what you are both doing poorly to each other.

You also need to be big enough to read this as a wake up call for things that you could be doing better as well. Not excusing him, but you may not be doing enough of what he needs in particular.


----------



## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

My wife cheated on me after 16 years together, 12 married. She said it was only a one time affair?? I still think about it when we have sex. It is hard to get over!! If you think the relationship is worth saving, then get some counseling. It helped me to have someone to confide in. I have two kids, and did not want to put my kids thru what I lived thru(divorced parents). It is hard sometimes, but it is worth it in the long run. When I start to get depressed about it, I just get away from her. I don't want to get nasty at her. I am trying to save this marriage. She is also trying too. It takes two to make it work. She wasn't always putting 100% into it, and I kept questioning her why?? She finally came @. Hopefully your husband being honest with you is a sign that he wants to make it work. Its not like he hid it from you.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Counseling is essential, b/c there IS a reason even if he doesn't understand himself yet. And, as Atholk said, there are probably things in the marriage you need to work on--BUT of course he needs to be able to tell you, too. 

When he chooses to hang out with a "friend" like this, he is demonstrating that some piece of him still wants to be the fun, young, single guy--unless he insists that he and this friend hang out in a much more adult environment, without heavy drinking, and certainly somewhere he would NEVER invite a stripper--your home, perhaps, or a place where he knows a lot of people (public). 

Talk about this--his occasional desire to feel unshackled--and how the two of you can address it. Be a safe place for him to share thoughts that may embarrass him, or thoughts he knows might hurt you. If he hasn't been asking for more sex, but wants it, ask him why--he may honestly feel it is a non-issue and this incident had nothing to do with that, or he may come clean on desires he's been hiding. Tell him it is ok for him to express a desire even if it seems to imply criticism of you--and DON'T take it personally! If he can talk about it and you can meet the desire, great; if not, shrug it off. He may occasionally fantasize about someone you cannot be--that is NORMAL in a long term relationship, b/c variety adds spice, and his fantasy, as long as he isn't obsessed or ashamed, is ok!

When a desire stems from a weakness in ourselves and becomes something of an obsession--he wants a big-boobed blonde b/c he thinks that will make him look cooler to OTHERS--a problem can occur. When he fantasizes just b/c of a desire to spice things up, not a problem. 

If you have a problem b/c you think you should be "all he ever needs," get over it. NONE of us can be "everything" to any other person, ever--sexually, emotionally, intellectual. We are social creatures and we get our needs met by having different people in our lives. If this isn't an issue for you, sorry I mentioned it! But counseling will really help you both learn to express things you fear the other may not like to hear, while also teaching each of you to hear things w/o taking it personally. Good luck; I think you can make a better relationship based on what you've said. BUT, hold off on kids until you are certain you are over this incident. That is essential!


----------



## Quads123 (May 27, 2010)

So lovebug how are things going?


----------



## buck200 (Jun 10, 2010)

Sounds like he made a very poor decision while drunk and is now very upset about it. I don't think there are too many guys who could turn down sex if offered while under the influence (no matter what they say). Counseling yes and don't be too hard on him.


----------



## spartan (Jun 8, 2010)

divorce is a BIG step.. Kudos though for being man enough to admit to it though and tell you. He felt extremely guilty and in my opinion is committed to staying together if he did indeed tell you without you finding out.

I am NOT an advocate of cheating and I am NOT an advocate for divorce... with that being said, I am also NOT an advocate for walking through life and marriage deaf/dumb/mute. 

I would take some time and if you truly love him I would try to forgive him. Forgive him but never forget the action. Things will be different if you stay, but in time if you both want this to work you may come out of this with a much stronger relationship.


----------



## lovebug82 (Nov 11, 2009)

Quads123 said:


> So lovebug how are things going?


Hi idk how things r I'm soo confused still it really bothers 
me everytime we have sex... He still says he doesn't no y he did it but it feels like I need to no everything cause he won't give me a reason but then again i don't wanna no... I am taking it one day at a time but it's real hard I've dedicated almost 11yrs to this relationship n never been with anyone but him... I just wana get over it sooo bad n continue with life n start a family but the future makes me cry... I do love him but this controls my feeling more than I can control.... I've never spoken a word if thisinfidelity to anyone except on this website I feel like that's part of the problem cause o feel like I'm hiding something his mom dad n kid at work all mo about it n that bothers me too he didn't tell them to brag it's just those were the people that he was close to n everytime I c them that's all I think of anything I say I feel sad cause they all no my true feeling... Today is a very emotional day for me I've been crying a lot that's y I'm kinda blabbin right now sorry it don't make sense. I don't wana start over but I can't forgive  I'm not a sad person but fir the last 9 months I've been depressed so diff I don't like to c my friends or family I just feel soo bad wen is it gunna get better? Ty
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Wow, just wow, what a heartbreaking story. I dont even know what to say, first of all he was drunk and put himself in a stupid situation. However he could not live with his consciences, this means he really loves you a lot, he didnt have to tell you but he did. I really think you have to try to forgive him, maybe even pray that God can show you how to forgive him.

I think counselling might be the thing to do because you both really love each other. Think about it, he could have never told you and everything would have been fine, but he loves you so much he couldnt live with that.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Lovebug,
What is he doing to help you with this? Saying words of "I'm sorry" is one thing but action is entirely different. What he did destroyed your world and your belief in him. I can tell this from your post. Also, 9 months later it is totally normal to have these feelings. I have heard that it takes between 2 - 5 years for somebody to get closure on a betrayal as this and that is if the partner is actively working to help the betrayed. What is he doing? Saying sorry doesn't cut it. Is he in counseling, is he reading self help books? What is going on?
Also, I don't believe that most guys would be unable to turn down sex in that situation. Those with boundary issues would have trouble turning this situation down but most would have a little light that turns on in their brain saying this is wrong. He had plenty of time to have this light turn on.....from the time the "best man" suggested it until the time his "best man" gave him the condom. He had plenty of time to think about what his actions would do to you if you found out. Plenty. 
He needs to ditch this friend like yesterday and go in to counseling. Saying he doesn't know why is probably what hurts you the most. If he doesn't know why....how can that comfort you that this will never happen again?
Giant, giant hugs to you Lovebug!!!


----------

