# Relationship advice



## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

Hi, everyone

I am a 21 year old woman

English is not my first language. So, pls forgive me for any grammatical mistakes.

I need to some guidance from you all. I am at the verge of breaking down and I feel suicidal.

recently, I have broken up with long distance boyrfejnd. I never met him in real life. He lives in another country He is real as a person as we did video chats. He was a very nice guy over all.

I do suffer from anxiety and depression and overthinking and he always supported me with it I told my mother about him and my mother is very close to me so she decided to do a background check on him.. my uncle went to his house just to have a normal conversation.. so his father opened the door and he came out ( he had an exam that day and I did not my uncle was going to his house like that ) moment my uncle found out about the exam from him my uncle left by exchanging numbers with him.

later my uncle left his house and my bf shouted at me on the phone saying “ he doesn’t care about me right now “ “ he doesn’t give a **** about our relationship right now “ “ he thinks that I feel superior than him because my uncle asked one of their neighbours that what does his father and he does and the neighbour was unable to provide much information about them and my bf found about this question my uncle asked from the neighbour “ I thought he is ending out relationship. I kept telling I swear down I didn’t know my uncle was going to your house like that he still kept getting mad.. later he switched off his phone and I decided to break up with him.. thinking that I didn’t send my uncle to check on him like that. And my uncle didn’t create a scene at his house at all.. I understand he is not happy with my uncle turning up to his house like that but all my family wanted to make sure that this person am talking to is decent since we never met yet. After the break up he apologised a lot saying he shouldn’t have shouted at me as it wasn’t my fault. It took me some days to recover from his behaviour I decided to give him a chance but I just can’t forget what happened and my family don’t want to accept him anymore after the day he behaved with sk i decided to break up this time fully..

now I feel heartbroken, lost and suicidal since I was in love with him madly and I am still …I went through a lot in my life and I am scared that he might become more mad at me if one of my family member make a mistake and he will shout at me for it.. so I broke up









my family maybe they shouldn’t have turn up to his house like that but all they wanted to is do a background check on him.

My mother was very very positive about him before that incident now she is saying he is not right for u. If he can shout at u like because of that. What is he gonna do in future?

how can I recover from this ? I can’t focus on my studies, my job nothing

Pls help !

any advice would be appreciated


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Hasina, it's never a good idea to have a long distance relationship where you never meet each other so in that way it's a good thing that you ended it.
It's almost impossible to know a person well if you never spend time with them or see them day to day in their own country. 

Of course it's very upsetting when a relationship ends, but if you really do feel suicidal you can ring the Samaritan's in the UK. They are very good. 

Have you have any sort of help for the anxiety and depression? Have you seen a doctor or counsellor?


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Sorry for your loss.

I would focus on working on yourself and then find someone local. Long distance relationships rarely work out.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

1st you can recover.

2nd how weird that your family went to his house and even weirder that they asked the neighbors about him.

Maybe that is normal in your country but in this one it is just plain stalkerish. He shouldn't have yelled that's just not a way to have a healthy relationship. 

This relationship doesn't sound healthy though does it? You are suicidal over someone you have never met. He's livid over your uncle talking to neighbors.

Focus on studies and your job sounds great. Maybe have a chat about boundaries with your family. You probably live with them so they do have some power in your life. I would explain to my family that this behavior means I will no longer share my personal life with them as it is unacceptable. Particularly without your knowledge. I'm sure they meant well but it is treating you like a child and also beyond the bounds of acceptability to talk to neighbors.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hasina40 said:


> Hi, everyone
> 
> I am a 21 year old woman
> 
> ...


I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. 

How long were you in this long-distance relationship with this guy?


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.
> 
> How long were you in this long-distance relationship with this guy?


Hi there, 
1 year and 1 month.. we are not together anymore. I broke up with him


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> 1st you can recover.
> 
> 2nd how weird that your family went to his house and even weirder that they asked the neighbors about him.
> 
> ...


Hi there, yes u right. I feel very let down by my family members  but I guess they wanted to keep me safe but it backfired. And I feel really upset about the fact that he shouted at me saying he doesn’t care about our relationship etc anymore because of that incident.. I explained to him 100 times that I didn’t know about my uncle going to his house that day. I don’t know how to recover from this. I am at fault as well. Thank you for your time


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Hasina40 said:


> Hi there,
> 1 year and 1 month.. we are not together anymore. I broke up with him


Were you ever going to meet properly?


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> 1st you can recover.
> 
> 2nd how weird that your family went to his house and even weirder that they asked the neighbors about him.
> 
> ...





Anastasia6 said:


> 1st you can recover.
> 
> 2nd how weird that your family went to his house and even weirder that they asked the neighbors about him.
> 
> ...





Diana7 said:


> Were you ever going to meet properly?


hi, we were supposed to meet next year  
I wish my family didn’t mess this up but at the same time I feel like he could have handled the situation little better with me instead of shouting


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Are the two of you from the same culture? If so, I would think he shouldn’t have been surprised by the visit from your uncle. It’s going to take time for you to get over this. I’m sure it’s on your mind every moment but you need to let yourself focus on your studies and your job. It’s tempting to let life come to a huge stop because this happened but that doesn’t benefit you.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Hasina40 said:


> hi, we were supposed to meet next year
> I wish my family didn’t mess this up but at the same time I feel like he could have handled the situation little better with me instead of shouting


Sure he could have. People make mistakes. Your uncle made a mistake being overly instrusive and he made a mistake by yelling at you.

in the end you broke up with him so why are you so upset? You didn't want to work the mistakes out.


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> 1st you can recover.
> 
> 2nd how weird that your family went to his house and even weirder that they asked the neighbors about him.
> 
> ...





Anastasia6 said:


> Sure he could have. People make mistakes. Your uncle made a mistake being overly instrusive and he made a mistake by yelling at you.
> 
> in the end you broke up with him so why are you so upset? You didn't want to work the mistakes out.


you are right. I wanted to work the mistakes out.. but I just can’t forget the way he insulted me.. I am upset I have lost a good soul but I can’t accept his behaviour and I am not talking to my uncle either properly.


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Are the two of you from the same culture? If so, I would think he shouldn’t have been surprised by the visit from your uncle. It’s going to take time for you to get over this. I’m sure it’s on your mind every moment but you need to let yourself focus on your studies and your job. It’s tempting to let life come to a huge stop because this happened but that doesn’t benefit you.


Hi, yes we are from same culture, same religion etc. I am trying…


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Hasina40 said:


> Hi, yes we are from same culture, same religion etc. I am trying…


Then he should have been prepared for that potential visit, IMO. His over-reaction might have given you a glimpse into who he really is.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Hasina40 said:


> you are right. I wanted to work the mistakes out.. but I just can’t forget the way he insulted me.. I am upset I have lost a good soul but I can’t accept his behaviour and I am not talking to my uncle either properly.


So you won't forget the insult. That is your right. But then don't be so upset. You lost something you never had. IF the insult is so terrible you won't talk to him or forgive him then he isn't a good soul in your mind. YOu say you lost a good soul but sounds like you didn't . 

IN fact you've saved yourself who knows how much time? You could have found out about his bad personality in a year or 2 then it would have been that much more time down the drain. You are 21 the world is your oyster.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Openminded said:


> Then he should have been prepared for that potential visit, IMO. His over-reaction might have given you a glimpse into who he really is.


Only if this was normal in their culture or religion. Just because they are the same culture or religion doesn't mean the uncle was behaving within the expected bounds. Everyone has that uncle. Or an overbearing mom or what have you.


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Are the two of you from the same culture? If so, I would think he shouldn’t have been surprised by the visit from your uncle. It’s going to take time for you to get over this. I’m sure it’s on your mind every moment but you need to let yourself focus on your studies and your job. It’s tempting to let life come to a huge stop because this happened but that doesn’t benefit you.





thunderchad said:


> Sorry for your loss.
> 
> I would focus on working on yourself and then find someone local. Long distance relationships rarely work out.


Thank you


Openminded said:


> Then he should have been prepared for that potential visit, IMO. His over-reaction might have given you a glimpse into who he really is.


I did my best to understand his point of view honestly but when he was screaming at me on the phone and messages.. i couldn’t just handle it..


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> Only if this was normal in their culture or religion. Just because they are the same culture or religion doesn't mean the uncle was behaving within the expected bounds. Everyone has that uncle. Or an overbearing mom or what have you.


I agree with you Anastasia6


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Hasina40 said:


> I agree with you Anastasia6


So is it normal in your culture?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Hasina40 said:


> I agree with you Anastasia6


I’m guessing you’re from a conservative culture and religion? Maybe you aren’t. If you are, that visit shouldn’t have been a surprise. If you aren’t, then I can see why he was upset.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Openminded said:


> I’m guessing you’re from a conservative culture and religion? Maybe you aren’t. If you are, that visit shouldn’t have been a surprise. If you aren’t, then I can see why he was upset.


A visit is one thing. Talking to the neighbors isn't normal for most cultures.


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> So is it normal in your culture?


Yes it is pretty normal in our culture..  honestly if he was from a different culture. I would have understood his reaction but it’s just not making sense. But You are right too


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> A visit is one thing. Talking to the neighbors isn't normal for most cultures.





Openminded said:


> I’m guessing you’re from a conservative culture and religion? Maybe you aren’t. If you are, that visit shouldn’t have been a surprise. If you aren’t, then I can see why he was upset.


yes we belong to a conservative culture. Background checks are taken very seriously.. so u try your best to gather information from anywhere.. I don’t agree with this system but culture is culture I guess


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> So you won't forget the insult. That is your right. But then don't be so upset. You lost something you never had. IF the insult is so terrible you won't talk to him or forgive him then he isn't a good soul in your mind. YOu say you lost a good soul but sounds like you didn't .
> 
> IN fact you've saved yourself who knows how much time? You could have found out about his bad personality in a year or 2 then it would have been that much more time down the drain. You are 21 the world is your oyster.


I tried to forget the insult  but it’a too hard to forget. I will do my best to recover. Thank you so much for your time. 😇


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Hasina40 said:


> yes we belong to a conservative culture. Background checks are taken very seriously.. so u try your best to gather information from anywhere.. I don’t agree with this system but culture is culture I guess


Then none of this should have been a surprise for him. That was my point. Best wishes.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> A visit is one thing. Talking to the neighbors isn't normal for most cultures.


But maybe it’s part of the background check in their culture. I have no idea if it is or isn’t but my opinion is that he over-reacted to the whole thing. What she does with that is obviously up to her.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Hasina40 said:


> Hi, everyone
> 
> I am a 21 year old woman
> 
> ...


He should NOT have scolded you over what your uncle did. You tried to reason with him but he didn't listen to you until you decided to breakup with him. What does this tell you about him? Now you know how he might behave in unexpected situations.

You should be feeling better instead of suicidal. He is not the only man you can have in your life or is he? There are so many men out there who will be much better suitors than him. You need to focus on yourself and strengthen your mind. You should have options to choose from and be able to make informed decisions for yourself.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Openminded said:


> But maybe it’s part of the background check in their culture. I have no idea if it is or isn’t but my opinion is that he over-reacted to the whole thing. What she does with that is obviously up to her.


I completely agree. Crap happens whether it is culture or not culture crap happens. How we react and communicate is what make a relationship. His reaction was beyond what she is willing to accept.

Great move on that is what dating is for.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Hasina40 said:


> Hi there, yes u right. I feel very let down by my family members  but I guess they wanted to keep me safe but it backfired. And I feel really upset about the fact that he shouted at me saying he doesn’t care about our relationship etc anymore because of that incident.. I explained to him 100 times that I didn’t know about my uncle going to his house that day. I don’t know how to recover from this. I am at fault as well. Thank you for your time


No, it did not backfire but the man was outed. Your family being concerned about your safety is the way it should be. You should be glad.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> No, it did not backfire but the man was outed. Your family being concerned about your safety is the way it should be. You should be glad.


Concur. @Hasina40, I think you dodged a bullet. If he shouted and ended things abruptly without any discussion, then he is not calm, mature or trustworthy. I'm assuming your conservative culture does not allow divorce. It is best to find out this man cannot control his temper and has been essentially tricking you into believing he is something he is not before you are trapped in a house with him. I realize your heart is hurt, but it will heal with time. It was a shocking, abrupt end with no closure and that is really hard, but I truly believe this is for the best.


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Concur. @Hasina40, I think you dodged a bullet. If he shouted and ended things abruptly without any discussion, then he is not calm, mature or trustworthy. I'm assuming your conservative culture does not allow divorce. It is best to find out this man cannot control his temper and has been essentially tricking you into believing he is something he is not before you are trapped in a house with him. I realize your heart is hurt, but it will heal with time. It was a shocking, abrupt end with no closure and that is really hard, but I truly believe this is for the best.


Hi there, thank u so much for your reply. He did try to prevent our breakup when I got upset with him at the end because of the way he screamed at me  but it was too late. He later said “ I never thought u will break with me for this “ it just shows that if I didn’t react to he wouldn’t even say sorry


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> No, it did not backfire but the man was outed. Your family being concerned about your safety is the way it should be. You should be glad.


Thanks. Maybe what my family did was little too much but yes they just want to keep me safe. I went through a lot in my life already. They don’t want to see me hurt anymore.


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> But maybe it’s part of the background check in their culture. I have no idea if it is or isn’t but my opinion is that he over-reacted to the whole thing. What she does with that is obviously up to her.


Thank you


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> He should NOT have scolded you over what your uncle did. You tried to reason with him but he didn't listen to you until you decided to breakup with him. What does this tell you about him? Now you know how he might behave in unexpected situations.
> 
> You should be feeling better instead of suicidal. He is not the only man you can have in your life or is he? There are so many men out there who will be much better suitors than him. You need to focus on yourself and strengthen your mind. You should have options to choose from and be able to make informed decisions for yourself.


I am feeling muchcbetter after reading your comments. I can not really talk about this with my family openly. That’s why I decided to share the matter here. Thank u for being kind


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Then none of this should have been a surprise for him. That was my point. Best wishes.


Thank u 😇


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Hasina40 said:


> Hi there,
> 1 year and 1 month.. we are not together anymore. I broke up with him


This hurts, and I’m sorry, but you were literally never together at all.
How is it your uncle can do easily see him and you couldn’t?

People as they seem online or via video chat are never as they seem there in real life.

That said, one little incident and you broke up with him? Also, you haven’t even met him and your uncle shows up at his door asking questions of the neighbors like a detective? Sketchy also. But I read you are from a different culture than me. Do I digress.

You getting all worked up “in love” with a man you’ve never met in real life?????

Just going to say that I think you should steer clear of a man that you can’t date in real life.
In reality, you haven’t lost much.


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> This hurts, and I’m sorry, but you were literally never together at all.
> How is it your uncle can do easily see him and you couldn’t?
> 
> People as they seem online or via video chat are never as they seem there in real life.
> ...


Hi there, 
I live in the U.K. 
and he lives in Pakistan and my uncle also lives Pakistan. It’s not possible for me to go and meet him right now.. it wasn’t a one little incident for me. He insulted using harsh words.. and I couldn’t believe eyes.. sometime maybe it just takes one incident. Maybe it’s sketchy but in our culture it’s pretty normal and expected.. I get your point though.. 

if your read my previous comments,hopefully you will understand..

We did have little arguments and we never broke up before that.. maybe it was too much for me and I couldn’t handle ?

I was in a relationship with him for little over a year if I was flakey it wouldn’t last this long..
But yh I should meet people in real life.. but I believe now I need to work on myself.. my emotional well being.. 

Thank you for your time


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Hasina40 said:


> you are right. I wanted to work the mistakes out.. but I just can’t forget the way he insulted me.. I am upset I have lost a good soul but I can’t accept his behaviour and I am not talking to my uncle either properly.


Hasina, you were in love with the IMAGE of who you thought he was. You couldn't really know all aspects of his personality via only long-distance video. You didn't see him in day-to-day actions, you didn't see him and how he reacts under stress (obviously not all that well!), etc.. 
I know you are hurting, but there will be someone else you will find. Use this as a learning experience, use this to get yourself stronger, to learn what YOU want from a relationship, what you will and will not put up with (your boundaries) in a relationship.

Sorry that you are hurting so much right now -- IF you do think about suicide, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE seek help.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Hasina40 said:


> Hi there,
> I live in the U.K.
> and he lives in Pakistan and my uncle also lives Pakistan. It’s not possible for me to go and meet him right now.. it wasn’t a one little incident for me. He insulted using harsh words.. and I couldn’t believe eyes.. sometime maybe it just takes one incident. Maybe it’s sketchy but in our culture it’s pretty normal and expected.. I get your point though..
> 
> ...


I posted before I read your newest posts.
I totally won’t understand your culture as far as arranged marriages and such. Are you against meeting a man in the UK that isn’t of your ethnicity? Myself, what I’ve learned about people in my 49 years—- it really takes a long time, even seeing them in person regularly, to get to really know a person.
I hope you meet someone that you can really get to know in person before you marry. And I do think you were right to break up with him.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Hasina40 said:


> But yh I should meet people in real life.. but I believe now I need to work on myself.. my emotional well being..


I'm an American, and more than that, I'm a Texan. So my belief system is VERY different. If I say something insensitive, please believe me when I say it is not intended that way, I'm just unfamiliar with your culture. I promise I'm trying to help and I mean well, call me out if I put my foot in my mouth. 

I think you need to work on your self confidence. You need to expect more from people. And you need to learn that adversity does not build character, it reveals it. He lashed out at you, hatefully, and the only weapons he could use AT THAT TIME were words. It could have been VERY different if you were in the same room. Again, I feel you've dodged a SERIOUS bullet and you have a chance to learn an important life lesson here. Meet people in person, in safe places, and be sure you see them at their worst before you make any kind of commitment to them. My great grandmother said you need to see a man in four seasons before you marry him, so you know how he reacts to the changes. 

Be careful and believe in your own worth. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm an American, and more than that, I'm a Texan. So my belief system is VERY different. If I say something insensitive, please believe me when I say it is not intended that way, I'm just unfamiliar with your culture. I promise I'm trying to help and I mean well, call me out if I put my foot in my mouth.
> 
> I think you need to work on your self confidence. You need to expect more from people. And you need to learn that adversity does not build character, it reveals it. He lashed out at you, hatefully, and the only weapons he could use AT THAT TIME were words. It could have been VERY different if you were in the same room. Again, I feel you've dodged a SERIOUS bullet and you have a chance to learn an important life lesson here. Meet people in person, in safe places, and* be sure you see them at their worst before you make any kind of commitment to them.* My great grandmother said you need to see a man in four seasons before you marry him, so you know how he reacts to the changes.
> 
> Be careful and believe in your own worth. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.


great advice I think


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> I completely agree. Crap happens whether it is culture or not culture crap happens. How we react and communicate is what make a relationship. His reaction was beyond what she is willing to accept.
> 
> Great move on that is what dating is for.





jlg07 said:


> Hasina, you were in love with the IMAGE of who you thought he was. You couldn't really know all aspects of his personality via only long-distance video. You didn't see him in day-to-day actions, you didn't see him and how he reacts under stress (obviously not all that well!), etc..
> I know you are hurting, but there will be someone else you will find. Use this as a learning experience, use this to get yourself stronger, to learn what YOU want from a relationship, what you will and will not put up with (your boundaries) in a relationship.
> 
> Sorry that you are hurting so much right now -- IF you do think about suicide, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE seek help.


hi, thank u for being so kind. I have been suicidal a lot but honestly don’t let anyone


Evinrude58 said:


> I posted before I read your newest posts.
> I totally won’t understand your culture as far as arranged marriages and such. Are you against meeting a man in the UK that isn’t of your ethnicity? Myself, what I’ve learned about people in my 49 years—- it really takes a long time, even seeing them in person regularly, to get to really know a person.
> I hope you meet someone that you can really get to know in person before you marry. And I do think you were right to break up with him.


No I am not against meeting a person in the U.K.. I can if I want to as long as the person is decent .. but he was very very loving and caring  I never came across that kind of love… u r right takes ages to understand someone properly. I need to just focus on myself maybe. Dating isn’t for me…


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> great advice I think





TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm an American, and more than that, I'm a Texan. So my belief system is VERY different. If I say something insensitive, please believe me when I say it is not intended that way, I'm just unfamiliar with your culture. I promise I'm trying to help and I mean well, call me out if I put my foot in my mouth.
> 
> I think you need to work on your self confidence. You need to expect more from people. And you need to learn that adversity does not build character, it reveals it. He lashed out at you, hatefully, and the only weapons he could use AT THAT TIME were words. It could have been VERY different if you were in the same room. Again, I feel you've dodged a SERIOUS bullet and you have a chance to learn an important life lesson here. Meet people in person, in safe places, and be sure you see them at their worst before you make any kind of commitment to them. My great grandmother said you need to see a man in four seasons before you marry him, so you know how he reacts to the changes.
> 
> Be careful and believe in your own worth. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.


Thank you so much! No you have been really kind with your advices. I actually had a sad childhood.. I just wanted someone to love me unconditionally that’s all I wanted but yh I need to work on self esteem and Stop settling. When I feel ready I will meet people in real life..  hopefully someone will one day understand me and I will understand them too.. I will follow your Grandma’s advice.
Thank you ❤


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Don’t be against dating. Give it some time. Practice smiling a lot.😊

Suicide over a man us crazy. There’s 4 billion out there.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Hasina40 said:


> Thank you so much! No you have been really kind with your advices. I actually had a sad childhood.. I just wanted someone to love me unconditionally that’s all I wanted but yh I need to work on self esteem and Stop settling. When I feel ready I will meet people in real life..  hopefully someone will one day understand me and I will understand them too.. I will follow your Grandma’s advice.
> Thank you ❤


I did too, and I know exactly how you feel. He's out there, and when you're ready you'll find him when you're least expecting him. 💗 Good luck.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Hasina40 said:


> Thanks. Maybe what my family did was little too much but yes they just want to keep me safe. I went through a lot in my life already. They don’t want to see me hurt anymore.


Listen to them and cherish them. They want you to do well in your life.



Hasina40 said:


> I am feeling muchcbetter after reading your comments. I can not really talk about this with my family openly. That’s why I decided to share the matter here. Thank u for being kind


You're welcome. Please stay strong and focus on yourself. Eat healthy, work out, and walk on a regular basis. These activities will make it possible for you to improve yourself, feel much better, and do well in life. You need to be in a good frame of mind before you consider dating men. You will find the right one for you one day; do not worry. 

Women who have healthy lifestyle and good personality are very likely to attract good men and will have options. But stick to your family-oriented values when you interact with men. You will be a prize. 

Please feel encouraged to talk to good people here as well. You will have much perspective to draw from.


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I did too, and I know exactly how you feel. He's out there, and when you're ready you'll find him when you're least expecting him. 💗 Good luck.


Thank u so much ❤❤ Wish u the best tooo


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> Listen to them and cherish them. They want you to do well in your life.
> 
> 
> You're welcome. Please stay strong and focus on yourself. Eat healthy, work out, and walk on a regular basis. These activities will make it possible for you to improve yourself, feel much better, and do well in life. You need to be in a good frame of mind before you consider dating men. You will find the right one for you one day; do not worry.
> ...


Hi thank you this is what I was thinking last night too. I need to make myself strong.. end of day I guess all u have is u only..


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Don’t be against dating. Give it some time. Practice smiling a lot.😊
> 
> Suicide over a man us crazy. There’s 4 billion out there.


Thank you


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> Hasina, you were in love with the IMAGE of who you thought he was. You couldn't really know all aspects of his personality via only long-distance video. You didn't see him in day-to-day actions, you didn't see him and how he reacts under stress (obviously not all that well!), etc..
> I know you are hurting, but there will be someone else you will find. Use this as a learning experience, use this to get yourself stronger, to learn what YOU want from a relationship, what you will and will not put up with (your boundaries) in a relationship.
> 
> Sorry that you are hurting so much right now -- IF you do think about suicide, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE seek help.


 you are right. But I am kinda scared with whole idea of marriage etc. It’s so hard to recognise people’s true intentions. I will definitely learn from this. I believe I need to be alone for sometime.. look after myself really. I was in touch the doctor regarding doctor but they are pretty useless at the moment.. thank you anyway


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

Hasina40 said:


> you are right. But I am kinda scared with whole idea of marriage etc. It’s so hard to recognise people’s true intentions. I will definitely learn from this. I believe I need to be alone for sometime.. look after myself really. I was in touch the doctor regarding doctor but they are pretty useless at the moment.. thank you anyway


Regarding my depression and anxiety ***


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Hasina40 said:


> you are right. But I am kinda scared with whole idea of marriage etc. It’s so hard to recognise people’s true intentions. I will definitely learn from this. I believe I need to be alone for sometime.. look after myself really. I was in touch the doctor regarding doctor but they are pretty useless at the moment.. thank you anyway


Marriage can be a beautiful experience with the right man. But keep in mind that even the most loving couples can have arguments. There is no such thing as picture-perfect relationship (only in movies). But marriage should be considered when you are mentally strong and ready for it.

You need to be in a healthy frame of mind before you may consider having a relationship with any man. At the moment, you are in a vulnerable frame of mind and feeling down due to your bad LTR experience. In this situation, you will find the idea of marriage intimidating as well. My suggestion is to not overthink on these lines and concentrate on improving yourself. You seem to acknowledge that you need to work on yourself which is good.

Just concentrate on yourself by embracing healthy lifestyle by eating healthy food, working out, and walking. You might have some female friends? If yes then spend more time with them and plan activities with them which will make you feel better (women-only stuff). You may also consider Individual Counseling (IC) and see how it goes. Point is to do things which will be good for you - things that will make you feel better and improve your confidence. By doing so, you will get better in time. Do not worry. Believe in yourself.


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> Marriage can be a beautiful experience with the right man. But keep in mind that even the most loving couples can have arguments. There is no such thing as picture-perfect relationship (only in movies). But marriage should be considered when you are mentally strong and ready for it.
> 
> You need to be in a healthy frame of mind before you may consider having a relationship with any man. At the moment, you are in a vulnerable frame of mind and feeling down due to your bad LTR experience. In this situation, you will find the idea of marriage intimidating as well. My suggestion is to not overthink on these lines and concentrate on improving yourself. You seem to acknowledge that you need to work on yourself which is good.
> 
> Just concentrate on yourself by embracing healthy lifestyle by eating healthy food, working out, and walking. You might have some female friends? If yes then spend more time with them and plan activities with them which will make you feel better (women-only stuff). You may also consider Individual Counseling (IC) and see how it goes. Point is to do things which will be good for you - things that will make you feel better and improve your confidence. By doing so, you will get better in time. Do not worry. Believe in yourself.


hi, thank u. Yes of course marriage is not supposed to be perfect but one thing I have realised it doesn’t matter how bad the situation gets I can’t accept any harsh insulting words.. like I will never cheat on my husband or anything like that ever. I would like my partner to address any differences with respect and I will do the same. I just can’t handle harsh treatment like I have said before maybe am too sensitive . I just hope one day in the future I find someone who will understand me and would be willing to accept me fully. I do have some great friends, very understanding and caring but I didn’t wanted to share this problem with them becasue they are totally against the idea of being in a relationship with someone I have never met in real life..they want me to meet someone in real life and get to know the person that way..


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Hasina40 said:


> I just can’t handle harsh treatment like I have said before maybe am too sensitive


You are NOT too sensitive. The idea that men should be allowed to abuse their wives, verbally or physically, is immoral and wrong no matter who is advocating for it. You should not have to learn to live with abuse.


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You are NOT too sensitive. The idea that men should be allowed to abuse their wives, verbally or physically, is immoral and wrong no matter who is advocating for it. You should not have to learn to live with abuse.


absolutely, I am actually working with people who are going through mental trauma due to relationship breakups and etc. I have seen so many incidents. It’s heartbreaking 😣. But today I am the one who’s having to seek help 😭


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Hasina40 said:


> absolutely, I am actually working with people who are going through mental trauma due to relationship breakups and etc. I have seen so many incidents. It’s heartbreaking 😣. But today I am the one who’s having to seek help 😭


Good for you for reaching out for help. I hope we are making you feel better. These things happen, this is not your fault. Learn from it and move on, confident that you deserve better.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Hasina40 said:


> hi, thank u. Yes of course marriage is not supposed to be perfect but one thing I have realised it doesn’t matter how bad the situation gets I can’t accept any harsh insulting words.. like I will never cheat on my husband or anything like that ever. I would like my partner to address any differences with respect and I will do the same. I just can’t handle harsh treatment like I have said before maybe am too sensitive . I just hope one day in the future I find someone who will understand me and would be willing to accept me fully. I do have some great friends, very understanding and caring but I didn’t wanted to share this problem with them becasue they are totally against the idea of being in a relationship with someone I have never met in real life..they want me to meet someone in real life and get to know the person that way..


You're welcome again. 

I am not in the position to gauge your tolerance level but you can learn Conflict Management from a licensed therapist: 

Conflict in Relationships | Psychology Today
How to manage conflict in relationships - Counselling Directory (counselling-directory.org.uk) 

Men have much higher levels of testosterone than women (biological factor). Some men have the tendency to lash out in anger when displeased: Anger and testosterone: evidence that situationally-induced anger relates to situationally-induced testosterone - PubMed (nih.gov) 

Men in some countries can also be more aggressive than men in other countries on average. This could be due to variation in genetics and culture around the world. In spite of this, a large number of women are married to (and handling) men around the world. These women are mentally strong and have learned to handle conflicts.

Mental & Behavioral Health Organization in Colorado Springs | Mentally STRONG

I do not condone abusive behavior but I also emphasize that a person should not be a snowflake either. Both kinds are easy to displease and would make a partner walk on eggshells which is bad for relationship - you should not be in either camp if you desire marriage. There will be situations (and conversations) in your life which will frustrate you or make you angry, and you would want to vent which is fine. But this reality applies to all in life. 

If you get the impression that you are too sensitive then you should seek therapy and attend relevant courses to learn how to handle conflicts in relationships and strengthen your mind. These attributes will serve you well in the long term.


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> You're welcome again.
> 
> I am not in the position to gauge your tolerance level but you can learn Conflict Management from a licensed therapist:
> 
> ...


I will definitely follow your advice.
Thank you so much again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Please remember that your life here in the UK is so very different from a guy living in Pakistan. 
It's probably far more sensible to try and date guys already here.


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Please remember that your life here in the UK is so very different from a guy living in Pakistan.
> It's probably far more sensible to try and date guys already here.


That’s what my mum said too… 😭


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Please remember that your life here in the UK is so very different from a guy living in Pakistan.
> It's probably far more sensible to try and date guys already here.


Conventional wisdom is to date men in your own country - less hassle and direct interactions. Agreed on this part.

I am not sure about the lifestyle part though. Not all women are the same - some are family-oriented and traditional; others are more open and want to live separately. Personality wise, some are confident with better capacity to evaluate other people; others are naïve and rather easy to exploit. It depends.

For general knowledge sake: Pakistani landscapes and lifestyles are diverse across the country. There are a large number of well-to-do families here who have raised family-oriented men, living in posh locations and gated communities. These men are clean, will provide for the wife, and will not cheat. There are some very good (single) men in my social circle as well. I also know a man who was living in Karachi but married an American woman and moved in with her not long ago; this woman identified herself as a Feminist but fell for him due to his family-oriented values. Cyberspace is making it convenient for people around the world to interact with and LTR can work out as well. It depends.

The woman in question here, is not ready for relationship and needs to work on herself as advised. She did dodge a bullet though because her man (EX ???) could not handle a visit of an uncle of the woman with grace. This man is not ready for relationship either. Who freaks out over this matter? No mature man will. I assure you.


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> Conventional wisdom is to date men in your own country - less hassle and direct interactions. Agreed on this part.
> 
> I am not sure about the lifestyle part though. Not all women are the same - some are family-oriented and traditional; others are more open and want to live separately. Personality wise, some are confident with better capacity to evaluate other people; others are naïve and rather easy to exploit. It depends.
> 
> ...


Well explained❤❤Can I ask u a question pls if you don’t mind? He did apologise a lot after that incident only when I decided to break up with him.. I did give him a second chance I did my best to forget but I just can’t forget the way he behaved with me.. something that was out of my control… he is asking for a second chance again..  
Also, he said that he was scared because he had an exam onljne and he couldn’t talk to my uncle properly and my uncle left.. he said he got scared.. what if my uncle didn’t get a good impression of him and my uncle will tell my mum that “ I didn’t like the boy and he is not perfect for hasina “ that what’s he is thinking in his head. Whereas, my uncle did the opposite my uncle rang my mum the moment he left his house and said “ the boy looks decent but I will talk to him later. He has an exam today and I took his number “ my uncle never left with a negative imporession whatsoever..

do u think he deserves a second chance at all ?

you see he and I had little arguments before which is normal in any relationship I never broke up with him why would I . But that incident i don’t know I just can’t forget 😔and my Family won’t be able to forget either.


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

From my perspective, you're heartbroken. And its hurts

If you do plan on revisiting this, understand the following factors:-

1-You're both still quite young, outbursts like these are common among your age, which is probably why he behaved like this with you. Honestly, I didn't understand why, I mean these things are quite normal in the culture you're in. So this was a sever over reaction on his part.
2-There is a distinct possibility this might happen again. Will you be able to deal with it?
3-People generally do not understand boundaries and it takes going past them to understand where they are. 
4-You don't really know him per say, only parts of him he wants you to know. Without knowing him personally, commitment is always going to be a problem. Online presence is different than physical presence. And knowing a person truly means being around them, observing them, and even then there are parts of them you don't know about.

I'm not trying to demoralize you, I understand this is important to you, but you also have to understand that either you have to give yourself time to recover, and then take a decision about what you want to do. Because you're still hurt, and taking decisions under the influence of emotions doesn't amount to any good. I really do hope you can resolve your thoughts about how you want to proceed, but give yourself time and ask him to give you space to do so.


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

redmarshall said:


> From my perspective, you're heartbroken. And its hurts
> 
> If you do plan on revisiting this, understand the following factors:-
> 
> ...


Hi, he 28 and I am 21. I expected him to be little bit more mature but I guess, I am wrong. Maturity has nothing to do with age .. no if it happens again i will not be able to handle this sort of behaviour.. well he did apologise a lot that it’s never going to happen again.. 

No never got to meet him person yet..  so yh I probably don’t know everything 

I have to give myself to recover. Indeed.  

Thank you so much, for your time.


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

Hasina40 said:


> Hi, he 28 and I am 21. I expected him to be little bit more mature but I guess, I am wrong. Maturity has nothing to do with age .. no if it happens again i will not be able to handle this sort of behaviour.. well he did apologise a lot that it’s never going to happen again..
> 
> No never got to meet him in person yet..  so yh I probably don’t know everything
> 
> ...


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Hasina40 said:


> Well explained❤❤Can I ask u a question pls if you don’t mind? He did apologise a lot after that incident only when I decided to break up with him.. I did give him a second chance I did my best to forget but I just can’t forget the way he behaved with me.. something that was out of my control… he is asking for a second chance again..
> Also, he said that he was scared because he had an exam onljne and he couldn’t talk to my uncle properly and my uncle left.. he said he got scared.. what if my uncle didn’t get a good impression of him and my uncle will tell my mum that “ I didn’t like the boy and he is not perfect for hasina “ that what’s he is thinking in his head. Whereas, my uncle did the opposite my uncle rang my mum the moment he left his house and said “ the boy looks decent but I will talk to him later. He has an exam today and I took his number “ my uncle never left with a negative imporession whatsoever..
> 
> do u think he deserves a second chance at all ?
> ...


Thanks. Nothing to mind here.

My sincere advice is to allow this man to focus on his studies and improve himself.

He blew up on you over a matter that you are not responsible for and this shows that he is not mature enough for you in the present. You had a bad episode with him and you need some time to heal from this experience. You should focus on yourself as advised in earlier posts, therefore. 



Hasina40 said:


> Hi, he 28 and I am 21. I expected him to be little bit more mature but I guess, I am wrong. Maturity has nothing to do with age .. no if it happens again i will not be able to handle this sort of behaviour.. well he did apologise a lot that it’s never going to happen again..
> 
> No never got to meet him person yet..  so yh I probably don’t know everything
> 
> ...


He should know better how to treat a woman at 28 in my view. Is he working?

You may inform him through *email* that you are willing to forgive him but he must focus on his studies, work on his anger management issues with counseling, and have a career *before* you can decide to move things forward with him. Let him know that you are very young and feel the need to focus on yourself for now. In this manner, you will be able to see how he develops himself in like two years and stay true to his word (or not). 

You need to be a stronger and more confident woman by the time you are willing to settle down with a man. You will also have the opportunity to meet other men and determine which one is best for you.

You should not consider marriage before 23 at least. Best wishes.


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

Hasina40 said:


> Hi, he 28 and I am 21. I expected him to be little bit more mature but I guess, I am wrong. Maturity has nothing to do with age .. no if it happens again i will not be able to handle this sort of behaviour.. well he did apologise a lot that it’s never going to happen again..
> 
> No never got to meet him person yet..  so yh I probably don’t know everything
> 
> ...


True maturity doesn't have anything to do with age, but no one is born mature, they work at themselves to develop it by knowing what not to do. Also maturity in relationships is something else, initially you can be insecure about each other, slowly though as the bonds strengthens, you know your partner better and better, and your insecurities evaporate.

Just to give you a parallel, I myself have been harsh with my wife at times, and she has been with me, but it takes going through those kind of experiences to understand what you did wrong. That is what growth is(at least to me), no one is born perfect. I didn't say you didn't know him, but just that it takes time to know another person, so don't jump to conclusions, only time will tell if you guys are meant to be. Just take time, I know its hard to put your mind to something else, but take time to let yourself heal and then decide what you want to do. Its definitely an over reaction on his part.


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

redmarshall said:


> True maturity doesn't have anything to do with age, but no one is born mature, they work at themselves to develop it by knowing what not to do. Also maturity in relationships is something else, initially you can be insecure about each other, slowly though as the bonds strengthens, you know your partner better and better, and your insecurities evaporate.
> 
> Just to give you a parallel, I myself have been harsh with my wife at times, and she has been with me, but it takes going through those kind of experiences to understand what you did wrong. That is what growth is(at least to me), no one is born perfect. I didn't say you didn't know him, but just that it takes time to know another person, so don't jump to conclusions, only time will tell if you guys are meant to be. Just take time, I know its hard to put your mind to something else, but take time to let yourself heal and then decide what you want to do. Its definitely an over reaction on his part.


Thank you. I will keep this in mind. 😇


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

redmarshall said:


> True maturity doesn't have anything to do with age, but no one is born mature, they work at themselves to develop it by knowing what not to do. Also maturity in relationships is something else, initially you can be insecure about each other, slowly though as the bonds strengthens, you know your partner better and better, and your insecurities evaporate.
> 
> Just to give you a parallel, I myself have been harsh with my wife at times, and she has been with me, but it takes going through those kind of experiences to understand what you did wrong. That is what growth is(at least to me), no one is born perfect. I didn't say you didn't know him, but just that it takes time to know another person, so don't jump to conclusions, only time will tell if you guys are meant to be. Just take time, I know its hard to put your mind to something else, but take time to let yourself heal and then decide what you want to do. Its definitely an over reaction on his part.


Well said. 

My lifestyle made it possible for me to interact with a large number of people by now. I have been in conflicts and I was able to teach some offending parties a lesson. I thought I was tough until I met my wife. 

Don't get me wrong - she is gorgeous and feminine. But being well-accomplished made her mentally strong and confident as well. She did not consider marriage until she felt was ready for this. She is able to hold her own when WE have an argument. But she respects me as man as well. I just have tell her to be ready for me and she is. Mutual respect factor.


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> Thanks. Nothing to mind here.
> 
> My sincere advice is to allow this man to focus on his studies and improve himself.
> 
> ...





LeGenDary_Man said:


> Thanks. Nothing to mind here.
> 
> My sincere advice is to allow this man to focus on his studies and improve himself.
> 
> ...





redmarshall said:


> True maturity doesn't have anything to do with age, but no one is born mature, they work at themselves to develop it by knowing what not to do. Also maturity in relationships is something else, initially you can be insecure about each other, slowly though as the bonds strengthens, you know your partner better and better, and your insecurities evaporate.
> 
> Just to give you a parallel, I myself have been harsh with my wife at times, and she has been with me, but it takes going through those kind of experiences to understand what you did wrong. That is what growth is(at least to me), no one is born perfect. I didn't say you didn't know him, but just that it takes time to know another person, so don't jump to conclusions, only time will tell if you guys are meant to be. Just take time, I know its hard to put your mind to something else, but take time to let yourself heal and then decide what you want to do. Its definitely an over reaction on his part.


Hi, he works part time sometime at a friends office and sometime he doesn’t… he is looking for a stable job. 

He did say that he will never do this again begged me for a second chance. This incident happen back in October 2021 and I did give him a chance .. 

but he wanted to be in a relationship with me I broke up with him again a week ago the day before the second broke up we had a little argument out of nothing… we didn’t talk the whole day properly he went out.. later rang me at night saying he is going
to his grandmas place and thats it 

and I woke up in the morning.. I started to remember again what he did in October and I don’t know what it was.. I was getting
Really upset and in my mind I felt he doesn’t care about me etc.. and my family is very very less Likley to accept him again. After October he was was very very nice to me. He was always nice though.. He kept on apologising and sometime we had little arguments in between but that’s normal I think.. 
I told him I can’t continue.. I can’t forget what he did over literally nothing etc.. 

I don’t know if I am being a hypocrite. I was the one who broke with him second time.. now I am depressed that I am not with him.  

I think this is where it really hurts.. before this whole drama my family was so positive about him and I too.. i created a very positive image of him in front of my mother nd uncle ( well he was nice over all too ) 
But not sure why he didn’t understand.. I took this address from and also told him before my mama went to his that. I have told my mum about u. He was happy with it.. 

I told him to focus on his studies etc.. he will complete his undergraduatjon in end of 2023 I think.. he couldn’t complete it before Due to money crisis in his family and he worked as a Air hostess for sometime maybe 2 years and left that job. Than he decided to go back to university again.. 

Now I am thinking like one of brother has mentioned 
If we are meant to be together we will.  

And yes u r right. I have to strong too. I am working and studying finding it hard to focus.. hopefully I will be ok soon


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> Well said.
> 
> My lifestyle made it possible for me to interact with a large number of people by now. I have been in conflicts and I was able to teach some offending parties a lesson. I thought I was tough until I met my wife.
> 
> Don't get me wrong - she is gorgeous and feminine. But she is mentally strong and confident as well. She is able to hold her own when WE have an argument. But she respects me as man as well. I just have tell to her to be ready for me and she is. She is a strong and confident women in short.


I pray that you stay together till the end ❤


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Hasina40 said:


> Hi, he works part time sometime at a friends office and sometime he doesn’t… he is looking for a stable job.
> 
> He did say that he will never do this again begged me for a second chance. This incident happen back in October 2021 and I did give him a chance ..
> 
> ...


You seem to *reinforce* my judgement and advice to you in this thread all along. You two are NOT ready for a relationship. He needs time to sort out his issues. You need time to improve yourself. You are too young to be involved in a relationship in the present. Take my advice very seriously. You will thank me later in life. 



Hasina40 said:


> I pray that you stay together till the end ❤


Inshallah. Thank you.


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> You seem to *reinforce* my judgement and advice to you in this thread all along. You two are NOT ready for a relationship. He needs time to sort out his issues. You need time to improve yourself. You are too young to be involved in a relationship in the present. Take my advice very seriously. You will thank me later in life.
> 
> I will😇maybe in the future I will come back to this forum and I will definitely thank you.
> Take care . 😇
> ...


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## Hasina40 (11 mo ago)

I just wanted to thank you guys.. for your time… 
All of your advices really did help me. 
I am now just focusing on myself and improve myself… 
stay blessed😇


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