# Differences Between Good Friends and Husband and Wife



## lostwithin

I'm really struggling with how my wife has treated me in the past and I'm hoping that MC will correct things.

I'm curious what people think is the difference between being just good friends and that of husband and wife?

I get along with my wife, we enjoy similar things, have similar views on parenting, religion and politics but something is missing.


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## Racer

Sorry, I'm a romantic... A marriage to me is a "union of two souls". So there is a significant degree of giving up thoughts of 'self' and it is replaced with thoughs of 'us'.

In friendships, 'self' is maintained and the relationship is conditional on mutual benefit on a much more limited basis. Like having a drinking buddy, but he's not your goto guy for relationship advice, etc. In a marriage, your spouse is your goto for everything and valued. 

And I do admit this is more of romantic fantasy than a reality. So I treat it like a goal I want to achieve and work for without really expecting it....


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## Enginerd

If your wife is treating like a good friend then you really don't have a marriage. I'm not a hopeless romantic like some here but she should be sexually attracted to you for starters. She should care about all your needs even if she can't always meet them. Life happens so the sex will wax and wane over the course of a typical marriage. If your wife will not communicate the reason behind her lack of feelings then its time to man up and start taking some actions to figure this out.


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## Mavash.

The difference to me is the level of intimacy. My husband knows everything about me and of course we have sexual chemistry and passion. I care more about his needs than I do my own. It's like he's a part of me. I can't be away from him. He's my rock and he's the love of my life. I adore him.

I do NOT feel this way about my friends. Not even close.


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## Entropy3000

Racer said:


> Sorry, I'm a romantic... A marriage to me is a "union of two souls". So there is a significant degree of giving up thoughts of 'self' and it is replaced with thoughs of 'us'.
> 
> In friendships, 'self' is maintained and the relationship is conditional on mutual benefit on a much more limited basis. Like having a drinking buddy, but he's not your goto guy for relationship advice, etc. In a marriage, your spouse is your goto for everything and valued.
> 
> And I do admit this is more of romantic fantasy than a reality. So I treat it like a goal I want to achieve and work for without really expecting it....


I like this. Well said.


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## deejov

I"m a woman, and I have close friends that are male. The one difference is the intimacy. That's something I would not do with friends, and because of the intimacy, it changes the relationship to something deeper. 

It's what makes it a relationship, not a friendship.


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## YinPrincess

Racer said:


> Sorry, I'm a romantic... A marriage to me is a "union of two souls". So there is a significant degree of giving up thoughts of 'self' and it is replaced with thoughs of 'us'.
> 
> In friendships, 'self' is maintained and the relationship is conditional on mutual benefit on a much more limited basis. Like having a drinking buddy, but he's not your goto guy for relationship advice, etc. In a marriage, your spouse is your goto for everything and valued.
> 
> And I do admit this is more of romantic fantasy than a reality. So I treat it like a goal I want to achieve and work for without really expecting it....


I love this answer - very accurate and articulate!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyris

My husband and I have been together for more than 20 years, since we were 18. I feel as though we have grown into one another, like those trees planted too close together that grow all tangled up. We feel like part if each other. He is necessary to me. 

This quote from Emily Bronte makes sense to me. 

“My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods: time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees. My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Healthcliff! He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being.”
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShawnD

lostwithin said:


> I'm curious what people think is the difference between being just good friends and that of husband and wife?
> 
> I get along with my wife, we enjoy similar things, have similar views on parenting, religion and politics but something is missing.


Friends kill and die for each other, and friendship lasts forever. Married people kill each other, and the murder rate only started to drop when no-fault divorce became legal








article


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## Coffee Amore

lostwithin said:


> I'm really struggling with how my wife has treated me in the past and I'm hoping that MC will correct things.
> 
> I'm curious what people think is the difference between being just good friends and that of husband and wife?
> 
> I get along with my wife, we enjoy similar things, have similar views on parenting, religion and politics but something is missing.


I consider my spouse my best friend, but he is more than just a friend to me.

I have friends who are male but there is no intimacy or attraction from me to them. I don't find any one of them sexually attractive. The thought of sex with one of them is repulsive...like having sex with a sibling would be repulsive. I share with my friends only certain facets of my life, and I'm careful to keep other parts of my life from their prying eyes/ears. 

Whereas with my husband, we have great sexual chemistry. We also have emotional intimacy. He knows everything - the good, the bad, the ugly. He sees the real me. He's the one person for whom I drop my guard entirely. I don't have that intimacy with others. I feel that with others - my parents, close relatives, friends, co-workers - I have some armor up to shield myself from them.


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## Jeff/BC

Racer said:


> And I do admit this is more of romantic fantasy than a reality. So I treat it like a goal I want to achieve and work for without really expecting it....


Why? Why does this seem so fantastical to you? It's my daily existence. My answer mirrors yours almost exactly.

The difference between friends, acquaintances, family, and any other grouping you care to make and Carol is that those groups are all "people". Carol isn't people... Carol is me and I am her. Together we make "us". Our thoughts, dreams, emotions, hopes and desires are all so mutually intertwined that it's just not reasonable to think of us as individuals.

The question is not whether the fairy tale can be real... it can be. The question is how does one "work for it"? My best wishes to you. I hope you can build it too.


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## loveisforever

After reading your guys, I think I need a divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash.

loveisforever said:


> After reading your guys, I think I need a divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShawnD

loveisforever said:


> After reading your guys, I think I need a divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


People always try to make their life sound better than it really is, especially the ones who have the worst lives. A sad fact is that the magic of being in love fades. This is why it's so important to date for a long time before getting married - give the "love" a chance to fade so you can objectively look at the situation. Without love clouding your judgement, does your partner still pass the friend test? If there was no sex at all, would you still want to spend time with this person? If you were just friends, would you ever consider living with this person? You're in good shape if the answer to both is yes.


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## Lyris

That's why I like that quote, 'He's always, always in my mind: not always as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself...'.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostwithin

Beyond intimacy, beyond sex. What do you do for your husband/wife without being asked without complaining?


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## Cat3CatGirl

Racer said:


> Sorry, I'm a romantic... A marriage to me is a "union of two souls". So there is a significant degree of giving up thoughts of 'self' and it is replaced with thoughs of 'us'.
> 
> In friendships, 'self' is maintained and the relationship is conditional on mutual benefit on a much more limited basis. Like having a drinking buddy, but he's not your goto guy for relationship advice, etc. In a marriage, your spouse is your goto for everything and valued.
> 
> And I do admit this is more of romantic fantasy than a reality. So I treat it like a goal I want to achieve and work for without really expecting it....


Wow, I really like you answer and would have said something similar a few years ago. But now I'm learning that self HAS to be important in marriage too. That is one of the main problems me and my DH are having. We buried our "self" - afraid to reveal our true "self" to each other. It caused a HUGE rift to form, which made room for an affair.

So, maybe maintain your "self" - but make that work towards a better "us!"


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## Cat3CatGirl

Me and my DH are working on this same issue. We care deeply for each other, but for the past 10+ years have felt more like friends with benefits than a real couple. A lot of people have stated intimacy as the difference. I think that is key, but not just physical intimacy. We had plenty of that, but little emotional intimacy. We both avoid conflict and many times would avoid revealing our true feelings to avoid the stress of possible disagreement. Now we are learning to be able express ourselves in respectful ways, understanding that we cannot control the other person, which also means we may not get what we want. But that is OK because we will have grown closer in the process and will be better able to accept differences between us.

We are just starting this journey of becoming more emotionally intimate. I wish you luck with your journey!


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## anchorwatch

lostwithin said:


> Beyond intimacy, beyond sex. What do you do for your husband/wife without being asked without complaining?


Simply, anything that makes her smile.


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## NextTimeAround

Racer said:


> Sorry, I'm a romantic... A marriage to me is a "union of two souls". So there is a significant degree of giving up thoughts of 'self' and it is replaced with thoughs of 'us'.
> 
> In friendships, 'self' is maintained and the relationship is conditional on mutual benefit on a much more limited basis. Like having a drinking buddy, but he's not your goto guy for relationship advice, etc. In a marriage, your spouse is your goto for everything and valued.
> 
> And I do admit this is more of romantic fantasy than a reality. So I treat it like a goal I want to achieve and work for without really expecting it....


I have to give my thumbs up here and add.....

your spouse also performs certain "services" (usually) that your friends most likely would not like spend Christmas with your family; and do other favors for your family that would be considered just part of the relationship.

And of course the intimacy between you and your spouse is (understood to be) exclusive......whereas being "buddies" with someone does not accord that kind of exclusivity.

All these things taken together.....I'm still trying to get head around a spouse seeing nothing wrong in prioritsing the needs of a "just a" friend over those of your spouse.


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