# His money/My money



## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Ok bear with me.

My hubby and I have been together for 8 years and married for 3. We have 2 daughters together, age 6 and 8 months old. We got together when I was 17 and he was 20. Yes, it has been rough. 

My first job was at McD and it was at the point where I would do anything to just be around my husband. I was 18 and I moved in with his mother. I was making barely 7$ an hour and she wanted 400$ a week from us both combined and he was working as a mechanic, making peanuts. I went to school until 2 and work at 3-11. Long story short there, his mother swindled me and I never got to see a dime of that money to spend on myself. I hate her for that. She is a despicable person when it comes to money. She would push her own mother in front of a train for it. We were supposed to be saving for our own place, but i know now she never had any intentions of that happening. And I do have a little bit of ill feelings for hunny for this because I believe he knew.

My mother was always more of a spender than a saver. She had 3 girls as a single mom, but always got us what we wanted. Money was never discussed. 

Fast forward. I began working my first "real" job when our oldest was about 3 and we moved in and really started to get settled. I worked diligently, 16 hour shifts and overtime. I had my own bank account and so did he. He would calculate the bill requirements and I would give him my share and have the rest to do whatever with. I liked this. But he would complain that my contribution wasn't as great as his even though his salary was significantly higher. 

We fought a lot during those years about any and everything but it always came back to money. He felt I should get any low end job to contribute and I felt it would be beneficial for me to get an education to increase the money I was able to contribute.

He did support me while i went back for my nursing license. When i got my first job after that, the same arrangement was in place. Separate bank accounts, we both contribute. Since my salary was higher, I was able to contribute more.

Later, we began to see a MC for our issues. After one session she said the root of our whole marital woes was money and we need to combine our finances. As right as I know she is, it appalls me.

My husband is what you call an obsesser. It doesnt matter if we are rolling in dough he is on the computer for HOURS day after day "figuring bills" Some may ask why I dont participate...well just the thought of it brings on thoughts of vomit and annoyances. He drives me nuts with his financial talk. I hate it. I have tried and seriously felt like I was gonna get a nosebleed from it.

The jist of our rift is he is a saver and I am a bonified spender. After the bills are paid...I'm off to the mall. Hubby wants to save it and I ask him "what are you saving for"...him: "Idk, I just want to have it." He is very smart and I know he is right, but I just can't sit on money for a rainy day. When I come into a few thousand I do a lot of shopping for loved ones and friends and give money to people and never ask for it back. Hubby HATES this about me, if someone borrows from him he hounds them for that money and it truly disgusts me although I know he has his reasons. It reminds me so much of his mother. 

Currently I am a SAHM with our youngest and full time student. He encouraged me to stay home but when we fight its always brought up that I "need to get a job"..when I say ok, he changes his tune. 

I will be returning to work this summer. He wants us to combine our finances..the thought of this makes me groan. We have been fighting about money again and what happens when I go back to work. This last fight I told him "i hate your guts when it comes to money" and he returned those feelings. I wish it was said out of anger...but I can't say it was.I hate to fight, but I also don't want to have my (MC said we should NOT be saying "my money". I can't help it.) money looked over with a scrutinizing eye. I know its a positive thing to have money together when married, but dammit...it seems we are so different financially I don't know where to start.

There are a few more aspects of this that is brought up when we fight, but this is all the main points.

Eh, any suggestions?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Get the joint account.
Put a consistent amount in it that does a little more than pay your half.
Keep whats left for yourself
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

I'm going to be harsh here.

You have 2 daughters. If you won't save for them, who will you save for? What happens if they get sick - serious health issues? When they need braces? When they are old enough for college? Most parents primary focus is to provide their children with a better life. 

You admitted you are a spender. Even if you are spending "for others" it is still short sighted and selfish. He is trying to build a future. You're unwilling.

The only compromise I can offer is to let him control the finances and include a SMALL amount in the budget for your discretionary spending.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

pb76no said:


> I'm going to be harsh here.
> 
> You have 2 daughters. If you won't save for them, who will you save for? What happens if they get sick - serious health issues? When they need braces? When they are old enough for college? Most parents primary focus is to provide their children with a better life.
> 
> ...


I should include that I do keep at least 1 to 2 grand in my savings for birthdays and xmas. I always buy all the kids gifts for xmas, pay for their parties, buy winter clothes, spoil them a bit. But I get what your saying. Sometimes I'm not very future minded.

To be fair he isn't saving for our future. We want a house, but we still rent cause he has made some future unfuture-friendly credit choices. When I got my first credit card he took charge of it and didn't pay the bill...now I owe money and its on my credit report. He filed bankruptcy and didn't pay a cell phone bill and that got put on his report. And to be truthful, I have little faith that we will ever have assets married couples usually have by this time.

And you said words like "control" and "small amount" Those are scary words!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

It sounds like BOTH of you need to take a basic money management class. 

If he's "figuring the bills" every night on the computer, why in the world would he file for bankruptcy and not pay bills?

Saving for Christmas gifts will get you nowhere if something happens to him and he's out of a job. Your girls need solid financial stability because school gets expensive the further they go - sports, clubs, clothes, college educations, books, computers..., and don't forget medical expenses that can wipe you out in no time if you aren't prepared with good insurance and savings to cover the other costs. 

Not only do you need to have savings enough to pay all your expenses for at least 6 months, you need to have a saving account for your girls' educations. And if you ever intend to buy a house, that's another set of savings you need.

Take a class together and then you'll both be on the same page with what you need to do. Make a budget and stick to it, including putting regular amounts into savings.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

You didn't include some of that in your original post (bad credit choices, bankruptcy). I *assumed* he was the responsible one. And the way you described your spending, I *assumed* you didn't maintain any savings. Even though you spend, with this additional information, it sounds like you are the more responsible one.

I guess if you want to stay together, you're going to have to come to some sort of agreement. How about combining the finances, agreeing on a budget, but YOU control the accounts/credit cards? It means more work for you while the budget gives him a sense of participation. 

You two seem so far apart of this and there is already resentment on both sides. Are you still in MC?


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Great idea taking a class together! I never thought of that at all. I tried asking if maybe I could give the bills a try for a but and I got a response of "You think you can do better than me. Can't wait to see this" I no longer wanted to try, as I wanted support and not someone waiting for me to fail.

Sorry I did leave out those parts of the original post. The fact that he effed up my credit and his own is secondary to keeping our heads above water at all costs in his words. And he has always kept us from sinking and is a great fenagler, we would be Sol without him. But we need a next step. He has a great salary and I am a potential great contributer but we are stuck. And no we are not in MC anymore, though we want to start again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Save for your future retirement. If you don't save now, you won't be able to retire comfortably... if at all. You can't live on SS alone. That's if it's even available. 

I'm not a spender, I'm defiantly a saver. I buy mostly what is absolutely needed. I do buy luxury things, but not often at all. I like living frugally. I want my husband to take an early retirement if possible.

You need to do what's best for your situation. Maybe that's keeping separate accounts. If your h is controlling with the money, this would cause even more issues and you will feel trapped. If he's worried about your spending, why not come up with a compromise?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

norajane said:


> Take a class together and then you'll both be on the same page with what you need to do. Make a budget and stick to it, including putting regular amounts into savings.



I think the above is the best bit of advice I have seen on this thread.


I was lucky my father taught me the "True Facts of Life".

Amongst the forefront of these was how to run the household accounts, how to balance my cheque book, how to work out the true cost of credit.

From what you have written neither of you were helped to learn these skills and they are essential.

I would advice that you sit down together (or with an advisor if you can find one) and set a household budget. 
Have a "household account" in both names and pay all the bills / household costs through that. 
Have a "long term" and a "short term" savings accounts (make these duel signatures for withdrawals). 
Give everyone in the household (including the kids) and allowance each week / month that they can spend as they please (or for their treats if a child). 
Agree a figure above which any purchase / spending HAS to be agreed in ADVANCE (say $200) and stick to it.

Remember to pay bills in order of priority.
A roof over your heads,
Food to eat,
Utility bills,
Medical / pension payments,
Kids education fund,

Use any extra money to pay down debt paying those with the highest interest rates fastest.

You both need to be fully involved / motivated to sort out your finances or not only will you continue to argue about it but you will fail to achieve as much as otherwise could.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> The fact that he effed up my credit and his own is secondary to *keeping our heads above water at all costs in his words. And he has always kept us from sinking and is a great fenagler, we would be Sol without him.* But we need a next step. He has a great salary and I am a potential great contributer but we are stuck. And no we are not in MC anymore, though we want to start again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Take that money management class. If he's making a great salary yet you still have to finagle your finances and are barely keeping your heads above water, and you've already filed for bankruptcy once, you're spending too much somewhere. 

It could be credit cards that are keeping you above water, but they are also dragging you down further due to high interest on those cards. Maybe instead of birthday parties and gifts to family, you need to pay off those credit card bills first so you aren't racking up heavy interest every month. Maybe you do need to go back to work if you can make more money than child care would cost. Maybe part time work so he can be at home with the baby while you work to make some extra money.

It sounds like even one bad thing happening, like a car accident that totals your car will sink you since you have no money. How would your husband get to work without a car?

This is serious stuff that you both really need to take seriously, for yourselves and your girls.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Thank you all for the advice, it been very helpful.


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## DontTakeTheGirl (Dec 5, 2012)

pb76no said:


> You didn't include some of that in your original post (bad credit choices, bankruptcy). I *assumed* he was the responsible one. And the way you described your spending, I *assumed* you didn't maintain any savings. Even though you spend, with this additional information, it sounds like you are the more responsible one.
> 
> I guess if you want to stay together, you're going to have to come to some sort of agreement. How about combining the finances, agreeing on a budget, but YOU control the accounts/credit cards? It means more work for you while the budget gives him a sense of participation.
> 
> You two seem so far apart of this and there is already resentment on both sides. Are you still in MC?



She just said she spends and spend and you want him to hand over the keys to the palace?? jeez 

Gives him a sense of participation? That's like letting your 4 yr old help clean up.. she feels good, but didnt do anything.. ridiculous


You guys just need to get on the same page financially. If you never want to talk about it, how can you even remotely being to explain it to us? You say he's obsesses, but what do you know he is obsessing about if you're not in the picture? Maybe all the bills are coming in and he's frustrated? maybe he wanted to take the kids out, but cant now because some bill came due and it was more than the budgeted amount? Trust me I've been there. 

Salary is only as good as the amount of bills you have to pay.. You could make $1500/month and only pay out $300 and be stinking rich.. or you could bring in $3500/month and pay out $2900 and be broke.. 

I know I know.. $3500 -2900 equals... 600/month! WOW.. so that's a whole $150.00/week - gas, groceries and discretionary spending. not as much as you think?

You might want to look into a zero based budget. This budget takes your monthly income and reduces it to zero and appropriates funds for every expense during the month, from groceries to diapers to gas, lunch, entertainment and savings.. your budget is always 0 at the end of the month.. 

give it a try.. He may not have the necessary education to properly budget.. he may not have enough money.. he may not make enough money.. maybe you spend all his money.. who knows... but you need to start talking and being apart of YOUR HOUSE..


It's easy for a SAHM to lose sight of the $$ especially when they don't contribute, or manage the bills. The rest of the advice here is sound - talk, do a class, DO SOMETHING.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

I would never spend money that we needed for bills on trivial things. Even when I was working, household bills came before anything else. 

It's ok to be worried about money, I'm sure a lot of people are, but he crosses into another realm. I can name countless times we have had the money for a bill and he didn't pay it on time because he "couldn't figure out what to do with the money"

My husband has always been the financial guy in the relationship as I have always been the one who takes care of the household. Hubby is the "nice guy" and doesn't understand why I do certain things as far as discipline or organizing even. If the house was crappy and the kids not taken care of, he would have a right to say hey maybe I should take a crack at it and as a wife I should offer him tips and support not put him down about it. Its not "giving him the keys to the palace"..its giving him a chance at the role so maybe he can get some understanding of why I may be the way I am...just like vice versa.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> It's ok to be worried about money, I'm sure a lot of people are, but he crosses into another realm. I can name countless times we have had the money for a bill and he didn't pay it on time because he "couldn't figure out what to do with the money"


I can't even understand this. What did he mean when he said he couldn't figure out what to do with the money? 

Isn't "pay the bill" the only answer? 

Or is he trying to juggle multiple bills and paying only some off at a time? 

He's accumulating late charges and fees when he doesn't pay them off each month. Even utility companies charge late fees.

Why does he seem so "stuck" in non-action even when you have the money?

Can you set up automatic bill payments so that money is taken out of your checking out each month, on time, for your utility bills?


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

You understand just as much as I do Nora. It drives me crazy.

We have tried automatic and theres always that instance where it "came out of the wrong account" or something like that.

We both need to figure our financial life out, because we both have negative aspects of management. And someone said its due to upbringing and they are right. I brought a class up last night and he was really happy and felt my forehead for a fever LOL.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> You understand just as much as I do Nora. It drives me crazy.
> 
> We have tried automatic and theres always that instance where it "came out of the wrong account" or something like that.
> 
> We both need to figure our financial life out, because we both have negative aspects of management. And someone said its due to upbringing and they are right. I brought a class up last night and he was really happy and felt my forehead for a fever LOL.


I am not going to lecture, just a quick rundown..
I married at 19, she was 21....Married 47 years
I have HS diploma, few college courses...
Always had joint account
We did not have a dime when I hit 40....Rented till then..
She was SAHM till age 40, then sold Avon...6000.00 yr average
When the kids moved out we bought out first home..
I worked my way up to an engineering position at a fortune 500 company....Made probably $35,000 yr...began saving, and 401K
Changed jobs several times for more money...
Comfortably retired in 2000 sq ft brick home July 2011 
2 homes
3 boats
4 cars
nice IRA
780 credit score
plan to be debt free by 2015
moral...
You don't have to earn a huge salary to do well, but you must save for the future....Fix your credit score, it is a valuable resource. Pay off all credit cards monthly, or each year with income tax refund...Never buy a NEW car wife drives a low miles
2009 Impala, I dive a low miles 2006 Mustang GT. Have 2 4wd's for winter...
Take the class, and begin with baby steps. If you can save a LITTLE with kids in the house you are doing well....


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