# wife loves me but doesn't think she's in love with me



## treadstone (May 27, 2013)

Hello everyone.

This is my first time posting here, but I have been reading threads over the past several weeks. This has been a very helpful website. Figured I'd try using it to directly help my situation. Sorry if this is long winded, but I got a lot to say.

First of all, I'd like to note that my current situation with my wife has really forced me to take a long hard look at myself in the mirror. I have started personal counseling and have been able to identify that I have been battling anxiety and depression for many years and didn't really understand what it was. My wife also deals with anxiety (maybe depression too). This will be helpful for readers to know I think when reading the rest.

I love my wife more than words can say. I'd do anything for her. I've always seen us as growing old together. My wife and I just got married last summer. We've been together for over 9 years. No kids. She works graveyard and I work days. A couple of months ago I started noticing her suddenly (at least seemed sudden to me) being very distant. I would say giving me the "cold shoulder". This of course threw me for a loop. I initially tried talking to her about it, asked her if anything was wrong and she said she wasn't trying to be distant or anything like that. So I kinda let it go. Nothing really changed. She stopped wanting to hold my hand, I had to initiate hugs, kisses were very brief, we've had no intimacy since this all started. She used to cherish the little things like that. I've talked to her again a couple times and expressed to her how much I love her and how I really think we need to communicate better. I've never been good at showing my emotions and affection for her and this has really woke me up to that. She even said as much in these talks that her self esteem was pretty damaged cuz I rarely initiated sex or intimacy. I feel like an idiot. I've always wanted to be good about showing her affection and initiating the romance, but that is where I am finding out my anxiety/depression has really gotten in my way. I would think about doing some affectionate thing for her and then not do it a lot of the time as I would have this irrational fear of rejection. I'm really working on this with my doctor and my counselor. I try to explain this to her and she says she understands, but she just feels neutral about everything, like she doesn't care. I had spoken w/ her parents (who really love me) and they assured me that she is set on me and she felt I was just being really needy lately. This is partly me trying to overcompensate and partly me really trying to get the real me out. I've found that talking about my emotions really helps with my anxiety. I used to always bottle everything up. So I think I really started to smother her w/ affection and gifts and this really started freaking her out. She has told me that having the "serious" talks just makes her anxiety get real bad.

So anyway, we had a blowup argument a few weeks ago before she went to work about her always texting and being on facebook as this is another thing she's been doing a lot. I straight up asked if she was having an affair the day before this and she said no pretty definitively. I've gotten pretty good a reading my wife and she very very rarely ever lies to me and I have been able to pick out when she does cuz she's not good at it. She didn't even hesitate to tell me she wasn't having an affair when I asked her so I have to believe her. So we had our blowup argument the next day and she stomped out the door to work. We then were texting eachother we both felt like crappy people. Next day she came home and we talked and she said she was going to go stay with her friend from work (its a girlfriend) for a few days. I told her if that is what she needs then to do it. I didn't want it, but she said her head was a jumbled mess. She agreed we need to work on our relationship together. Well its been 3 weeks now and she's still not back home. She dropped the bomb "I love you, but I'm not sure I'm in love with you" on me about a week or so ago. She said she felt like she was about to have a nervous breakdown. She has told me that she has had to make herself more independent a lot because I wasn't giving her attention she needed. This makes a lot of sense to me as I know I have been terrible at this. She even brought up the issue that it might be a hormonal thing. My wife said she did not want to change anything right now (i.e. she doesn't want a divorce). I told her that we need to get into marriage counseling (her parents told her this too). She said she would go, but she wants to stay where she is right now as she is comfortable there. She said she got to the point where she dreaded coming home to me cuz she knew I would question her about our relationship with "serious" talks and her anxiety would go through the roof. We have our first counseling session in a couple of days. We keep in touch mostly through texting. I ask her to call me every few days and she does. I've really tried to back off and give her space, though it is so very hard as I feel she is slipping through my fingers. I am really working on changing myself. My ability to get emotions out has improved a ton, but showing her just comes across as smothering. So I talk with friends and family a lot. I spoke with her parents again last week and they told me my wife just spoke with them as well and told them pretty much the same stuff. They seem to think we can work this out. They asked her if she wants to save the marriage and she told them yes, if there is anything left to save. I really don't know how to read that. Her parents have assured me there is no affair going on as well. Her sister tells me she feels my wife and I were made for eachother and she knows my wife loves me very much.

Maybe it is just a difference between men and women, but I really don't get the "love you but not in love with you" thing. To me, as a man, you either love someone or you don't. The "in love" feeling always waxes and wanes. I've had times where I feel less "in love", but I know I love her so I don't even question it. Anyway, from reading threads on here and other places I know I've got to focus on working on myself, which I am. I think I need to be giving her some space, which I am. I'm not really sure how much contact I should be having with her. I'm a real good guy. I've never mistreated her (outside of the lack of affection and showing my emotions). This is really a tough time for me, probably the toughest time I've ever gone through. I'm confused even though a lot of this makes sense to me, it seems like it should be fixable. I don't understand this happening now after we just got married less than a year ago.

So I guess I'm just looking for some suggestions. Anybody going through this similar situation right now? A woman's perspective on this would be greatly appreciated though I hope everyone will comment. Thanks and sorry this is so long.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Do you have access to her phone records, FB, etc?


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## treadstone (May 27, 2013)

@ HappyKaty

FB no. I can see #'s she texts on our phone bill, though. That actually caused our blowup argument when I saw a # she was texting a lot and it was a guy she works with. I grabbed her phone while she was asleep and she seems to delete all of her texts to everyone. There were a couple left from that # and they didn't look bad. I only did this once when I was checking the phone bill. I'm not looking anymore cuz it just will cause my anxiety to go crazy and I can't see what she's texting anyway. I do fear that an emotional affair could be happening and my wife doesn't even realize it. I'm pretty positive there is nothing physical happening. My wife later told me she shouldn't have been texting that much w/ that person but it did bother her that it seemed like I was spying on her. She said she worried that I go through her things and her journal, which I don't. It's just not me to do that. What I do know is that there are underlying issues w/ our relationship. That she wasn't getting the reassurances from me that she needed. Even if there is the emotional affair, I don't think that is the primary problem. It's what lead to that w/ our relationship that I need to be able to work on w/ her. I believe my wife would divorce me before she physically cheated on me. She is a very right/wrong person.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I'm sorry your here, but welcome to TAM.

Yes you need to check the computers history, check cell phone logs if you have billing access. I'm afraid to say it, its probably another man, 99.9% of the time it is. That doesn't mean she's screwing around on you, but she might be having an EA, meaning she's talking to someone that's got her confused. It can even just be a girlfriend from work at this point, unlikely but.

I know exactly how you feel, and the not knowing is the worst part, doubt creeps in and then the mind takes over from there, and never in a good way. 

Working on yourself keeps you busy, and your mind off things, but if its another man, then it really has nothing to do with you. Its an emotional break down, and she's vulnerable right now to suggestion.

In all honesty, she's disconnecting from the marriage and theres not much you can do until she comes out of the "fog". Unfortunetly its now a waiting game for you, are you strong enough to play? Don't just give her time/space, but stay away, let her make any and all contact. Its gonna be rough on you.

I'm hoping some of the more veteran Tam'rs chime in with some advice as im going thru the same thing, im learning along the way myself, so some of my advice might not be dead on.

Good luck, and remember to come back for advice/tips, or post just if you need to vent your frustrations. Also, DO NOT PANIC, stay as calm as you can possibly can.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

treadstone said:


> @ HappyKaty
> 
> FB no. I can see #'s she texts on our phone bill, though. That actually caused our blowup argument when I saw a # she was texting a lot and it was a guy she works with. I grabbed her phone while she was asleep and she seems to delete all of her texts to everyone. There were a couple left from that # and they didn't look bad. I only did this once when I was checking the phone bill. I'm not looking anymore cuz it just will cause my anxiety to go crazy and I can't see what she's texting anyway. I do fear that an emotional affair could be happening and my wife doesn't even realize it. I'm pretty positive there is nothing physical happening. My wife later told me she shouldn't have been texting that much w/ that person but it did bother her that it seemed like I was spying on her. She said she worried that I go through her things and her journal, which I don't. It's just not me to do that. What I do know is that there are underlying issues w/ our relationship. That she wasn't getting the reassurances from me that she needed. Even if there is the emotional affair, I don't think that is the primary problem. It's what lead to that w/ our relationship that I need to be able to work on w/ her. I believe my wife would divorce me before she physically cheated on me. She is a very right/wrong person.


Nothing aggravates me more than when someone starts a thread like you did and doesn't mention all the details, this my friend was extremely important for you to mention. It is clear now why your wife has left, she's having an affair. Funny thing was when I read your original message I kind of thought to myself sounds like she's having an affair. Then you finally disclose all of the details. 

I'm very sorry to say but you are incomplete denial. If you really want help go to the infidelity board to help you prove that she's having an affair. It's sometimes hard to know the truth but if you ever want to move on you going to need to. 

Good luck to you.


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## treadstone (May 27, 2013)

@ loriC

First of all, thank you very much for your post. Lord knows I need all the help I can get.

So, I didn't disclose that because then I knew everyone was going to automatically assume there is an affair. While I fully acknowledge that is a possibility, particularly the emotional affair, I don't believe that is the root problem, but more of a symptom. I need more advise than "she's having an affair". I have also read many threads where very similar stuff was happening and there was no true affair going on. Texting someone to me, while it definitely bother's me, does not constitute an affair. I'm thinking I'm better off spending my efforts working on me and our relationship, regardless if there is an affair. If there is an affair, she is keeping it secret from everyone and it will eventually eat her up inside and blow up in her face. I think she would know that too. She would eventually tell me. Like I said previously, she is a very right/wrong person so I truly don't believe a physical affair would happen before she simply asked me for a divorce, which could happen.

Another tidbit I probably should have mentioned is that I do know she has been stressed out a lot. Even before the distancing. We've had a lot happen to us over the last year. We got married, she started her job last year, our dog died last year (it was her dog before we met and she was absolutely attached to him). Also her grandmother who she was very close to died 2 years ago. Add that to all my issues w/ anxiety and depression and well.... you get the picture. I do believe a lot of things are at play here. Now that I'm aware of many of the issues, I've just got to find a way to get her to move forward w/ me. I'm not looking for our old relationship, I'm looking for a new and better one with her. She has just built up this wall around her and I can't even get her to engage right now. I'm really hoping the marriage counseling will allow us to open up and give some tools to rekindle the "spark".

So sorry for leaving some stuff out, but I tend to be a bit scatterbrained right now too.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

I gave my husband the same I love you but I'm not in love with you speech because that is truly how I felt. Part of the reason I felt that way because I was having an emotional affair. And I would've loved the opportunity to have left and stayed with somebody so I can carry on with my EA. I'm telling you this because I know it, because I have been there. 

No matter what the problems you have in this marriage you need to address the affair. Of course she's keeping it a secret, that is what we do. Do some investigating And do it quickly if you have any hope of saving your marriage. 

IMO, the reason you left out these details is because you don't want to hear it. There was nothing else that you said that was significant enough for her to just pick up and leave and give you the whole I don't love you anymore speech. 

Of course this is just my take on it, maybe I am wrong but I doubt it.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

It really does seem like "I love you but I'm not in love with you" correlates strongly with affairs. It is important to find out exactly what's going on with that, because your wife may not realize how damaging an emotional affair is to a marriage, or that emotional affairs even are real and a problem. When I was in college I had an EA with an engaged guy (I was single). I had NO IDEA that we were more than friends until (this is a little bit funny) my grandfather asked me if I was pregnant. Of course I wasn't, and I told him so (I didn't even have a boyfriend!). He said, "Oh, I'm sorry, it's just that you're glowing, and often pregnant women have that look." It hit me at that minute that I was indeed glowing, because I was in love. With an engaged man. Who loved me back. 

Anyway, yeah. You're right to want to uncover the root problem, but your wife won't be able to address her half of the problem unless she is totally honest with you about who she's texting and whether there's an EA. So your marriage needs this, even if you think you don't.

Did your wife agree to counseling?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Treadstone...an emotional affair IS an affair. And your wife's behavior is CLASSIC cheating behavior. Withdrawal, increased irritability, secretive texts and calls, defensiveness upon confrontation over questionable communication (particularly cries foul over privacy)...those of us who have lived through this SAW this a mile away....and we all were once in denial about it...which is why we are hopping mad about making sure you take it seriously. Sure, she may not be having a PA, but depending on what kind of hooks they have in each other, it may not be long...my wife had EAs and their discussions WERE all sexual. "We're just friends" OH HAIL NAWWW!! Are you cool with that??? Sitting idly by while your wife gets to do all she wants and has the comforts of a husband who probably is doing everything for her...regardless of being treated like trash? No man, set some boundaries up now...tell her to toe the line or start packing her ****, cos homie don't play dat.

Oh, the line "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you." We all heard that garbage too...it's almost like a viral symptom of cheaters saying that stupid phrase. It's not that just one day that the "not in love anymore" fairy sprinkles cold-heart-dust on someone, no it means her heart is divided...that she is comparing the connection she has with you to her super-excited-euphoria-over-a-illicit-new-relationship...calling it stupidly "LOVE". They start fiending like drug addicts...investing more time and energy on the drug...leaving nothing left for anything else!!!
You want this to end?! The YOU have to put an end to it. Say, "This sneaky behavior of yours is unacceptable...I will not put up with your emotional and physical withdrawal...and have to put up with your lies. i deserve better than that. So if you want to stay in this, then you stop this, no more contact with OM, and we are getting marriage counseling. If you refuse any of this, or screw with me on this...then you need to leave."
By the way...I believed the same thing about my wife...she is genius level, professional, and very polarized in her opinions about what is right or wrong...but she STILL did this...shocking the hell out of me...and I was alone to piece this all together. use our wisdom to do the smart thing to protect yourself!!!!


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

I got the ILYBNILY. My wife who never would
cheat was cheating. Start investigating. 
Don't show your hand. 

Cut her off financially. Start closing joint
accounts. Hang on, your in for a bumpy ride.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Distancing herself from you.
Loves you but not in love with you.
Wants seperation but not divorce.
Deletes messages.
Texting guy at work a lot.

OP you're in utter and complete denial.

It doesn't matter if your wifes affair is a cause or a symptom because you can't fix anything until you kill the affair.

Get solid evidence of her affair and kill it.
Then if you still want you can begin to fix it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Actually now that you've allowed her to move out without repercussion it'll be nearly impossible to get the evidence you need.

You may have to get a PI
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

The ol "I love you, but not in love with you" line. Heres a t-shirt. Welcome to the club


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hopefully the thing with her coworker doesn't work out and you will still be around as plan B.

If it does work out with her coworker she will surely want the divorce...but until then hang tight share your wife until she makes....well until her coworker makes a choice taking her in or not. Most likely the coworker is supporting the marriage as she cleans her self off. Most likely her boyfriend is telling her to go back to you so he doesn't have to deal with her full time and just gets the fun stuff from her.

Again time will tell and if the new guy doesn't work out she will be home soon enough.

Its been my experience that until the affair partner can make a commitment then the wayward won't spread their legs, but in the mean time your old lady feels a lot less guilt cuz in her mind she has broken up with you and hasn't take the big step in divorcing you until her new guy can commit.

I think they call this cake eating.


Dude stop sharing your wife!!!!!!!! Just let her go and give her a taste of a confident man that will no longer tolorate her crap.

Sorry brother but I have been her way to long..I know how this ends. You will have had enough and either hire a PI or follow her or someone will tell you that she is in fact looking to replace you, but isn't sure if now is the time..or should I say found the right guy to leave you for (hence not wanting the divorce but living away from you)

As counter productive as this may seem, letting her go and going dark with no contact just might save this marriage.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

tacoma said:


> Actually now that you've allowed her to move out without repercussion it'll be nearly impossible to get the evidence you need.
> 
> You may have to get a PI
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But she isn't cheating:lol:

I bet if you planted a voice activated recorder under her car seat you will find how wrong you know your old lady!!!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

And ya by the way as long as there is a third person in this marriage the marriage is doomed.

So sir you will never be able to adress the marriage problems until the other man that is infecting it is cut away.

She is in what we call an affair fog and right now she can't see a damn thing....hell she may have the only person that will love her as much as you do and she can't see this through the fog that her affair has set on here.

But for what its worth most affair relationship break up especially when they are exposed and the taboo thrill is taken away once every one knows what is really going on. So give it a few months and she will want to come back.

Stop sharing your wife and get out of ths deniel bull crap...investigate and find out what you are really fight with here.


Say I am wrong and she isn't cheating at least you can cross that off the list and focus on the other battle fronts to win your marriage back...but please rule out the possiblity of another man infecting the marriage.


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