# Finally divorced. But still live together?



## Freebutnotfreeenough (Apr 18, 2021)

I am finally divorced. Never wanted to be married in the first place. I have no children, but a dog. I started this long process 9 years ago based on a lie that I didn't find out was a lie til a year later. But, by that time I was in love. He is 110% a narcissist. We are now divorced and he made sure he put me in a place where I can't get out. I have no friends and no money and he is to blame. He broke me down so badly, I am not sure how I haven't lost my **** completely. I am a mess. I want my freedom back so badly but I can't get away from him fast enough. I'm sure once I leave I will be harassed constantly. Idk how to break free completely.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Do you have a job?


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## Freebutnotfreeenough (Apr 18, 2021)

Yeah, working with him. He must always have control. And if I get another job, he finds any way possible to ruin it for me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What happened in the divorce with assets etc? 
Do you have family who can help?


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Obviously you have to break free of this situation, if he is as bad as you say, you should be willing to go somewhere even if it's minimal, to find a place from which to build a new life. Family would be a place to start if that's possible?


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## Freebutnotfreeenough (Apr 18, 2021)

My family will help but only if it is their way. I am 41 and still get treated like a child because I have different ideas of happiness. And then there is my mother who also wants to control every single thing I do.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

This isn’t what you want to hear but I hope you’ll listen. Based on your post, you are in a difficult situation but doing nothing but playing the victim card. You are blaming everyone else (your husband, your mother, etc.) but seem to be taking NO responsibility for your situation or getting yourself out of it.

You can blame whoever you want for being controlling, narcissist, whatever - but YOU allowed yourself to get into the situation and YOU are responsible for improving your situation.

If you actually want to improve your situation/life, it’s time to stop the pity party, stop being a victim, stop blaming everyone else stop making excuses and take responsibility for your situation and getting yourself into a better situation.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Maybe you should listen to your family. It seems when left on your own you don’t make good choices.


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## Freebutnotfreeenough (Apr 18, 2021)

He is, but I can't bring the dog. That is my child and the only presence in my life that is making me keep my sanity. I also have a lot of stuff but that can go on storage. Only worrying about the dog right now. Since my ex won't leave the country, I want to save and move to Belize. But I clearly can't do that living here.


DudeInProgress said:


> This isn’t what you want to hear but I hope you’ll listen. Based on your post, you are in a difficult situation but doing nothing but playing the victim card. You are blaming everyone else (your husband, your mother, etc.) but seem to be taking NO responsibility for your situation or getting yourself out of it.
> 
> You can blame whoever you want for being controlling, narcissist, whatever - but YOU allowed yourself to get into the situation and YOU are responsible for improving your situation.
> 
> If you actually want to improve your situation/life, it’s time to stop the pity party, stop being a victim, stop blaming everyone else stop making excuses and take responsibility for your situation and getting yourself into a better situation.


It does sound that way, but I am not playing the victim. Sadly I have had a rough life and he had broke down everything I have left. I have to build myself back up and just leave. I may have to live in my car with my dog but oh well. I almost died a couple months ago so I'm still getting better from that. There's just a lot happening. I thank you for your input and I know I made it sound that way but the entire story isn't out there.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

If you cannot take off and go to Belize yet, live wherever is best for you to meet that goal.

Which is worse for you, living with him, or living with your family...?? Which living situation will allow you to save up enough money to run off the quickest...? Because THAT is the one you should stay in, then SAVE enough money to hold you over for a few weeks on your own, and then BLAST OFF as far away as you'd like.

It may help your state of mind to make a list of what you need to accomplish to be able to leave successfully, and a timeline for doing just that. Then you work that list.

There are absolutely ways to leave. I left a terrible situation with NO help from my family with my 3 children (4-8yrs old), and ran and hid 1000 miles away from everyone for almost three years. It was VERY hard, but also BLISS!!!! The sense of freedom and peace was worth every sleepless, fearful moment I had!!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Did you get any assets in the divorce? Do you have a sibling you can live with for now?


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## Freebutnotfreeenough (Apr 18, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> If you cannot take off and go to Belize yet, live wherever is best for you to meet that goal.
> 
> Which is worse for you, living with him, or living with your family...?? Which living situation will allow you to save up enough money to run off the quickest...? Because THAT is the one you should stay in, then SAVE enough money to hold you over for a few weeks on your own, and then BLAST OFF as far away as you'd like.
> 
> ...


Thank you! I appreciate this advice. I will actually use it and start making that list immediately. I'm glad you found your peace. I hope to have that soon enough.


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## Freebutnotfreeenough (Apr 18, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Did you get any assets in the divorce? Do you have a sibling you can live with for now?


I got a minivan that isn't in the greatest condition but it runs. And that's it. I have what I came in with. I have all of my furniture and things I need. But I am an only child. No siblings.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

How did the court grant you a divorce if you still live together? In most US jurisdictions you must live separate & apart. Did one of you lie about your living arrangements? 

I don't understand what he does to ruin your new jobs for you? Find a lawyer & sue him for tortious interference with a prospective economic advantage.


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## Freebutnotfreeenough (Apr 18, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> How did the court grant you a divorce if you still live together? In most US jurisdictions you must live separate & apart. Did one of you lie about your living arrangements?
> 
> I don't understand what he does to ruin your new jobs for you? Find a lawyer & sue him for tortious interference with a prospective economic advantage.


Neither of us lied. We told the judge we still reside in the same home but have separate bedrooms. 

I truly believe he is a sociopath. He is guaranteed a narcissist. He breaks me down and is verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive and just breaks me. He doesn't force me to quit, but I usually get fired because I worry so much he will get rid of my dog or flush my dad's ashes down the toilet (and yes, he has threatened it on more than a few occasions). I just need fully away from him so that I can relocate that strong person I once was before he made me feel like less than ****. He doesn't drink or do drugs which makes it scarier because he is so horrible and cruel without an excuse. I will always love him but I haven't been in love with him for quite some time. I stopped enjoying sex with him even a long time ago because of how bad he makes me feel about myself. The desire is no longer there. 

He owed me money for a job I helped him with (after the divorce)and he deliberately takes his time so he doesn't have to pay me so I can't leave but then tells me he wants me out. He must be in control no matter how it tortures me or breaks me completely down. He isn't physically abusive because he knows I can and will kick his ass if he even thinks about it.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Freebutnotfreeenough said:


> He owed me money for a job I helped him with (after the divorce)and he deliberately takes his time so he doesn't have to pay me so I can't leave but then tells me he wants me out. He must be in control no matter how it tortures me or breaks me completely down. He isn't physically abusive because he knows I can and will kick his ass if he even thinks about it.


I'm not completely convinced it's your EX who has the control issue.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Then file a complaint against him or at least file with the local department of labor. When you start taking responsibility for yourself things will get better.


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## Freebutnotfreeenough (Apr 18, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> I'm not completely convinced it's your EX who has the control issue.


How is that? Every move I make is watched and monitored and if I do something he doesn't like, I'm verbally berated. How do you think I have a control issue?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Freebutnotfreeenough said:


> He owed me money for a job I helped him with (after the divorce)and he deliberately takes his time so he doesn't have to pay me so I can't leave





D0nnivain said:


> Then file a complaint against him or at least file with the local department of labor. When you start taking responsibility for yourself things will get better.


Take him to small claims court to get your pay you are due.
As for your situation, start moving small things OUT of the house (to a storage shed if possible) when he is not around.


Freebutnotfreeenough said:


> I worry so much he will get rid of my dog or flush my dad's ashes down the toilet (and yes, he has threatened it on more than a few occasions)


So for this get your Dad's ashes OUT OF THE HOUSE asap. Make sure that is the first thing you put in the storage shed.

Not sure I understand -- you COULD go to your parents, but they won't let you bring the dog?
Do you have a friend there who could house the dog temporarily until you get your own place?
In your divorce, didn't you get some sort of financial settlement? Alimony? Assets transferred to you?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> I'm not completely convinced it's your EX who has the control issue.


WHY are you saying this...??


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> WHY are you saying this...??


It's the victim-mode thing. I've seen this elsewhere, and even in my own life. That might not be the case here, but it's something to consider. Some people are really comfortable being in that mode because it gives them a sense of control. When you switch on the victim mode, it colors everything you see in a way that excludes other options. 

And in fact, when in victim mode, you ARE in control. You've filtered everything else out that conflicts with your view of things.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> It's the victim-mode thing. I've seen this elsewhere, and even in my own life. That might not be the case here, but it's something to consider. Some people are really comfortable being in that mode because it gives them a sense of control. When you switch on the victim mode, it colors everything you see in a way that excludes other options.
> 
> And in fact, when in victim mode, you ARE in control. You've filtered everything else out that conflicts with your view of things.


Well, in most cases, victim-mode is triggered by unhealthy or downright toxic treatment from people we are depending on. There is usually some truth to being a victim, even for those who choose to wallow in it instead of face it head on and refuse to allow themselves to be victimized.

However, I'm still not understanding what specifically gives you the thought that her ex-husband is not trying to control her.

Your recent posts I've seen have tended to be less sympathetic and slightly more harsh against struggling posters...and I'm not sure if it's because you actually think you are helping them (which does sometimes work), or maybe because you are becoming more cynical (which would be tragic to me)...or maybe I'm just misreading everything, which is always possible.

But I disagree with you mostly lately, that's why I asked, in case I'm missing something significant that you've noticed.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> Well, in most cases, victim-mode is triggered by unhealthy or downright toxic treatment from people we are depending on. There is usually some truth to being a victim, even for those who choose to wallow in it instead of face it head on and refuse to allow themselves to be victimized.
> 
> However, I'm still not understanding what specifically gives you the thought that her ex-husband is not trying to control her.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the feedback. I'll try to tone it down a bit. The infamous affair pregnancy thread has probably derailed my logical thinking a bit. The victim mode thing is also reflective of what my wife is struggling with...it's something she adopted before she met me, something I didn't recognize at the time, and it blinds her to so much of life, and blunts therapy dramatically. So yes, I'm likely projecting too much. I'm likely too sensitive to people appearing to be too-defensive. 

I will try to do better. Thanks again for the input!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> Thanks for the feedback. I'll try to tone it down a bit. The infamous affair pregnancy thread has probably derailed my logical thinking a bit. The victim mode thing is also reflective of what my wife is struggling with...it's something she adopted before she met me, something I didn't recognize at the time, and it blinds her to so much of life, and blunts therapy dramatically. So yes, I'm likely projecting too much. I'm likely too sensitive to people appearing to be too-defensive.
> 
> I will try to do better. Thanks again for the input!


No problem, but I'm NOT saying there's anything that needs to be "better" about your posts at all...I'm only trying to understand where you are coming from!!! 

FWIW...I've stayed OFF that other thread...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> FWIW...I've stayed OFF that other thread...


A good idea. Wish I could say the same. It’s a snake-pit of triggers for many and more than one ban (IIRC) has resulted


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## Freebutnotfreeenough (Apr 18, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> Then file a complaint against him or at least file with the local department of labor. When you start taking responsibility for yourself things will get better.


He is an independent contractor. He isn't registered. I am truly trying to get a hold of things for myself


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