# I'm leaving, I think



## Leaver (Jan 31, 2012)

Hello everybody. 

I've been reading here and there and decided it was time to write my story. 

My wife and I have been together for ten years, married for seven I'm 31, she is 43. I've supported us the entire time we were married, she did not work, has not worked since 2004. When we first got married, we decided we would have kids. We made a few attempts, then stopped...then, after we were married for almost two years, she was diagnosed with invasive breast cancer, which was not caught early, but not too late. Just soon enough to save her. This time was very difficult, as she reacted badly to the chemo treatments, and experiences side effects to this day, mainly in the form of PTSD. This was a real personality changer for her and she has made no new attachments since then. Five years have passed, and she grows less tolerant of others every year. 

For my part, I did my best to be there and supportive of her. I took many many days off of work, went with her to her chemo sessions and most doctor appointments. I stayed awake at night making sure she was still breathing. I also became pretty angry, mostly at god, but it spilled over into other things as well, and gave me a dark outlook and demeanor for the next few years. 

She stopped her chemo early and refused all other treatments, and despite that, she is healthy as a horse, so we are very lucky she is even alive. 

Soon after she stopped treatments, she fixed onto the idea that going to the sea would heal her. Turns out, she may have been right! So we made pilgramges each summer out here. She wanted to move, I did not. This put us at cross purposes for almost five years. 

Then, this year, I decided to come. I realized she refuses to be happy with where our home was, and would not make any attachemts there no matter what. I also thought, maybe if I go where she wants to go, she will like me more, and will want to try to have a family. Also, sShe came into some money, so we could do it with a saftey net. 

When we came out here, we had decided on a a city...then when we got here she did not like it. So we went to another city, she did not like it. We started circling around the state, looking for a place she would like. The standards were at cross purposes to mine, I need to live in a place with a population in order to work. This conflict blew up and we argued for months. 

Finally we settled on a place in the middle of nowhere, and neither of us are working...She also removed herself from our bed for three months, nearly no sex, no intimacy, no kisses aside from grandma pecks. After two months I started to speak up about it, but there was no change until I threatened to leave. Actually, it took several times, then I think it sunk in that I was serious. 

Anyway, the whole point of all this back story is that I want to have a family. She is naturally afraid of being pregnant, but is not interested in adopting nor foster children. 

We have talked, and she has told me that she is too afraid, that having children would be like being in prison. At the same time, she does not want me to leave. I don't 'want' to leave either, but I feel that, if I do not, I will never have a family. She has also told me some demeaning things, saying that I won't be able to find someone who will tolerate me (she says I'm moody, which might be true), and, after many long discussions about having kids, blurts that, when she came out she was thinking about having a baby. I don't understand, I can't believe it is true, or she might have, I don't know, SAID something. Otherwise this would have come up earlier. 

Anyway, I'm not mad at her anymore. I still love her, but I do not want to live the kind of life she wants to live, just floating by on inherited money, living by the sea where there are not enough people to support the kind of work I do. I know that the lifestyle she desires will not change, and she won't ever turn into a family/mothering type...that went out the window when she got sick, she is understandably concerned with her own life force, and does not want to invest energy anywhere else. 

She realizes I want to leave, but wants me to stay, and I know she loves me, and I love her. BUT I feel like I can't live my life like this. No family, never having friends over, and no thought to building a family of our own...

It breaks my heart but I know that if I stay I will not only be throwing away my chances to move ahead in my career, but my chance at having a family of my own. She hints that she *might* be open to having a family if circumstances are ideal...but that will never be. I am who I am, I can't be quiet, I can't live in fear that being myself will trigger her anger, and while I don't really like the OCD cleaning, the main thing is I'm the kinda guy who would be a good father. I've been told this by many people, even stranger. But she says "What would we do with a baby?" I don't understand at all, and it makes me so sad. 

I'm having a hard time with the next step, actually leaving. We live in a place where we know nobody, I'd have to drive a thousand miles before I knew anybody well enough to crash. Also need to get another car, since we just have one. Fortunately we agree on how things would be split, etc...

So all obstacles are gone, save this one: actually leaving. I told myself years ago that I'd already broken my last heart. I can't stand breaking someone's heart, it is more stressful to me than anything I know. But if I stand on this side of it forever, then the dreams of my life will just evaporate slowly each year. 

It took great courage on my part to come this far. Now it seems the closer I get to leaving, the more she wants me to stay, the more loving she is...and after such a dry spell of several months, it's like an intoxicating drug I can't turn away. 

I don't know that I have any questions, except this one: How do you just leave someone you have loved for so long?


----------



## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Hi Leaver - I don't know how you leave someone you have loved for so long. Struggling with that myself. You are so unhappy though. If you are unhappy, you cannot make her happy. You want children and a career. Do you think she can get onboard with this? If not, it's not selfish to leave. It's not like you want a yacht or something.

Did you discuss children before you married?


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Leaver said:


> I don't know that I have any questions, except this one: How do you just leave someone you have loved for so long?


You just do it.

There is no easy way.

Take only what you need, kiss her goodbye and get in the car.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> How do you just leave someone you have loved for so long?


You tell them you're leaving and then you leave, *BUT*, you don't try to kill your feelings right away. 

The betrayal and guilt is not in the leaving, it's in the attempt to sabotage your feelings for them.

What you feel for that person doesn't necessarily constitute you staying with them at this moment. Leave, but don't plan a life the next day. Leave but don't stop loving her. Leave but don't start developing resentments. 

Leave but don't pretend anything. 

Leave and love, until one of them wins.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Her expectations of you to give up so much is unrealistic. It's probably not healthy for her either to have given up on so much in life so young.

Like Tacoma said.. you pack the car and leave. You just do it without over thinking it.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Your wife is an unhappy person. She's not satisfied wherever she lives because she cannot escape herself. She's being "loving" now that you are seriously considering leaving. So what if you stay? Will she revert to the same negative mindset?

Frankly, I'm baffled by someone who asks what they would do with a baby. It tells me your wife doesn't have much love to give. Sounds like she doesn't care for the company of other people, prefers a solitary life, and doesn't REALLY want kids. I mean, c'mon, there are countless children desperate to be adopted. 

You have a shared history together, but the person you describe does not sound particularly lovable ... until you got serious about leaving. So how much of the "love" she is showing you is truly love, or merely manipulation to get you to stay?

When the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you will head out the door. You just do it, grieve the loss, and move on to the kind of life you wish to pursue in order to feel fulfilled. I truly doubt you are going to realize that dream staying with your wife.


----------



## sadinsalem (Jan 12, 2012)

If I had of left that one night when I thought it was the right thing to do instead of sticking it out and now having kids that tie me in a dead relationship, I would have been so much better off. Hit the do over button and find someone you can have a family with. Think about it, do you think her being a mom would be a good idea???


----------

