# Gotta.Stop.Self.Blaming



## chiksam (May 4, 2012)

I hate this feeling more than anything and I'm a big sucker for it. I seem to have a strong tendency to blame myself and sift through the wreckage looking for evidence of how I screwed things up.

As I've detailed in my other thread, my ex started cooling down, seemed to resent me, was quite unpleasant to me at times towards the end. I felt her pulling away and I guess I did press her for answers. I have no trouble communicating whereas she has a lot of trouble with it. After 3 weeks of her acting like this the best she could give me (and I even had to suggest this myself) was that we needed some space. However, the morning I was leaving her house after this had been discussed I accidentally discovered she'd joined a dating site 3 days earlier and started messaging 15 guys. This changed everything of course. I confronted her about it and she said it was something they do for fun at work (it's all in my other thread) and that it was "controlling" of me to ask her to delete it?!

Anyway, this changed how I felt about the "space." I was angry, hurt, and felt disrespected. So during the next two weeks I guess I did pressure her, to make sure she knew I was not going to tolerate the dating site profile and that she had to take it down! She kept avoiding me about this, which mad me madder and madder. In the end she sent me an e-mail saying she needed space and me hassling her about the dating site was too much pressure and so she "had to let me break free."

I feel like she dressed this all up as though I "caused" the breakup because I should have just given her space. I accept that I didn't do that so well in those last two weeks. But I was looking for answers, an apology, and the deletion of the dating profile...I didn't see why I should respect her need for space if she couldn't respect me over this?! I couldn't just smile and say "Hey honey. Take your space, enjoy your dating site, hook up and I'll just be waiting when you're ready...don't worry, I won't ask you any questions or look for any answers even though I'm f&*cking confused and hurt like a ***** and don't know what the hell is going on." That ain't right. She was evasive, elusive, resentful, and dishonest towards the end and I feel that her behaviour played a big role in fostering a sense of insecurity in me. The message I got at the end was NOT "I care about you and respect you but would like us to take some time apart to think because..." it was "I don't respect you enough to tell you why, I want you out of my hair now but don't want to properly break up, I'm chatting to other guys, but don't worry about it and will speak soon."

I guess I'm annoyed at myself because on some level I have bought the BS she sold me at the end. I keep wishing I'd just been an "ice-blooded-prince-dude" during those moments and just walked away and given her her space, saying nothing, regardless of the website thing. But I didn't, I pushed her on it and feel like that caused her to finally pull the trigger. I guess I'm coming on here because I've found that you guys can be really helpful in jolting people's thinking into another perspective and smacking them over the head with a 2x4...but I think you might need something bigger than a 2x4 in this instance. Gotta.Stop.Self.Blaming. I think it's the route of my misery.


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## "joe" (Aug 19, 2013)

hi chiksam. i don't carry a 2x4, because i've experienced what it's like to be suckerpunched with dishonesty and infidelity and it takes a while, a long while, to regain your footing. marriage creates really deep bonds and the natural and normal reaction is to save it, including going more than halfway to look for ways you could have (and so maybe still can) fix it. i've read posters talk about doing the 180 as if it's a switch you can throw; in my case at least that's impossible. 

you describe things here that closely follow what happened to me:



chiksam said:


> I have no trouble communicating whereas she has a lot of trouble with it. ...
> 
> she sent me an e-mail saying she needed space ...
> 
> She was evasive, elusive, resentful, and dishonest towards the end ...


(an email!) so i can sympathise and i've also spent time blaming myself for what i did wrong (it's only 3 1/2 months since my d-day). during the marriage i handled some things wrongly and i badly wish i had them to do over again, but the end of it is her responsibility entirely. there is no excuse ever for deceit. you don't have to guess about the rightness of pressing her for answers, you were owed answers. you two were married. 



chiksam said:


> I pushed her on it and feel like that caused her to finally pull the trigger.


absolutely not. she should never have been doing such a thing and there is no reason for you to tolerate it. objectively, she was demanding space to be unfaithful, which is absurd (and is exactly what happened to me).

it will take time for you to stop self-blaming and eventually you'll see that you are not to blame, but right now you're in shock. time is the only real cure, don't suppress your thinking, that will make things worse. the things you're struggling with now may well turn out, when you work through them, to be the things that show you how you were right.


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## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

- don't invest (emotionally , financially) in someone who doesn't do same for you.
- don't give your honor , respect , love , heart , time to someone who obviously doesn't appreciate them.
- don't be vulnerable around someone who take advantage of your vulnerability.
- understand how harmful this person (relationship) is to your body/soul (mentally / physically)
- take care of YOURSELF
- recognize your needs to have a relationship with someone who appreciate you , love you , respect you and you can be vulnerable around her.
- now this one might seem a little harsh but it's true : if you don't recognize the control you have of your choices , your life and start taking steps based on that recognition then you deserve the bad things happen to you.

START LIVING THE LIFE


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like a exit emotional affair. She was on her way out of the marriage anyway. She can have her space forever.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I honestly do not see that you screwed up. She is messed up. Hanging onto a dating site over you, that is just freaken unreal. It is like the one poster who chose porn over his wife. I don't have a big issue with porn but to tell your wife "Not tonight dear, I have a date with a porn site", is too much. WTH, I heard the "I need space" speech from my wife three times in our marriage and all three times she was cheating on me. In stead of, "I found someone else", it is lies and deceit. No I am not cheating, you are mean, I need space, you are controlling. 

Let her go.


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

It sucks but you've gain a lot of life skills and you will be better for it down the road. Try not to eat yourself anymore. You will meet someone someday who will make you thankful you are shut of her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Chiksam, 

I read your intro thread. Believe me, when I tell you to stop blaming YOURSELF. So much of what you described in your first post was about HER; not YOU. 

While you may have _contributed_ to some of the marital issues, in no way did you 'cause' your wife to seek out other men. From what you wrote, I believe that your wife was in an emotional affair BEFORE the separation, and used the separation as an excuse to feel less guilty about wanting to have sex with him (them?)

She moved out months ago. In her mind, she doesn't have to 'report' to you, or do what YOU want. She's right in one regard: By telling her to delete the dating site(s), you ARE, in fact, trying to control her. Stop. Just STOP. 

You wrote the following as tongue-in-cheek: 



> I couldn't just smile and say "Hey honey. Take your space, enjoy your dating site, hook up and I'll just be waiting when you're ready...don't worry, I won't ask you any questions or look for any answers even though I'm f&*cking confused and hurt like a ***** and don't know what the hell is going on."


Yet, in a way, that's what you've BEEN doing. You want her to stop what she's doing, and she's telling you that she doesn't want to stop. Plus, she's NOT stopping, and you're basically standing there with your hands stuffed in your pockets, having not idea what to do...

You're right. You definitely Gotta. Stop. Blaming. Yourself...

...and time to start taking ACTION. Stop waiting for HER to 'come around'. Seek legal guidance, formulate a plan for your life WITHOUT HER, and begin to lower the 'boom'. Don't try to control HER life. If she wants to 'find herself' by ska-rooing other men, LET HER. Keep your conversations with her about the kids ONLY; nothing more. Keep moving toward a PERMANENT separation called 'dee-vorce'. 

At some point, I predict that she will begin to see that you're not waiting around for her, and begin to see what she'll be losing. Hopefully by that time, you'll be well on your way toward a happy life _without_ her. 

Vega


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