# Double standard?



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

This is what I feel like I'm experiencing.

And I wonder if anyone else can relate, and how you deal with it.

My H has asked me numerous times to "cut him slack," let him "be a blockhead sometimes," and "let small things go."

I'm working on that.
In other words--let him have his flaws, and let them slide.

But when I slip and fall into some annoying habit, I don't get that generosity from him.

His raging reaction would have you thinking I had killed his puppy.

As he's said to me in the past, "The offense didn't warrant the reaction."

But I didn't say that to him.

I'm not perfect.
Once in awhile, yes--I'll disagree with him. I'll repeat myself in an annoying manner. The people who know and love me will want to say to me, "OKAY, let it go already!"

From the old playbook, if HE had annoyingly harped on something and I had yelled at him for it, he would've told me I was "making a big deal out of a small thing" and I should "let it go."
But he's not doing that when the situation is reversed.

*Does anyone else feel like you honestly try to make an effort to love and accept your partner, but you get NO LEEWAY to make a mistake here and there?

What do you do about that?
*


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I feel like I am in a whirl wind of double standards too... it is one of my biggest pet peeves these days. 

If we are both working in the kitchen, then I am in his way (um excuse me but from MY pov, you are in mine)

If I sleep late in the morning, I need a ridiculous amount of sleep but he can nap on the couch in the middle of the afternoon and if he is accidentaly woken all hell breaks loose and nobody cares about what he wants)

If I don't prefer a food, drink, you name it a certain way, there is something wrong with me, but if he has a preference, it is the way it should be for everyone. 

If I point out said double standards, we get into a fight.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> *Does anyone else feel like you honestly try to make an effort to love and accept your partner, but you get NO LEEWAY to make a mistake here and there?
> *


Yes. My marriage was alike that. There was his standard and then my standard. My standard was nowhere near what was allowed for him.

Ex. If I was going out with girlfriends, he needed to know where, when, who, what time I was leaving, how, and what time I'd be back.

When he would go out I'd ask who he was going out with and he's say "friends" and say "I dont know where I am going later." Very vague.

If he got angry about something and I told him to calm down or let's talk about it, there was no common ground--it was his way or nothing. If I got angry or had a difference of opinion, it was hell on Earth, again, I shouldn't have that stupid idea/opinion/different opinion from him. and then he'd sulk for DAYS. 

It got old.


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## dentalgirl (May 13, 2011)

I just posted a double standard need advice thread as well. Do we all have same spouse? lol. I used to laugh about it..but its really tearing me up these days. I get up for work @ 530am.. I cant always stay awake for him to come home at 1130or midnight. He doesnt have to be at work til 3pm. I catch grief for needing so much sleep. Yet our only day off together he is napping in chair with remote in hand (on a station i dont want to watch) if i try to change channed he says "im watching that",,, wakes up, and rewinds the dvr to beginnng of program...! Omg how many times do i have to watch the same "ancient aliens" program..My kids say that when he gets up its very late morning and he naps like that til he gets ready for work around 1pm. I work 11 hour shifts in an orthodontic office 45 min from home. When i get home its housework and cooking in my agenda and i stay up as late as i can. I really think that if i didnt catch grief from him i wouldnt mind doing everything.


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Credam and Jellybeans - The more I read from you guys, the more I feel less alone. My hubby sounds very similar to what you guys have described. And I think I sound similar to you two!

With my hubby's double standards, I always just caved. I would whine about them from time to time, but to "keep the peace" I always gave in and didn't enforce the same towards him. 

In all honesty, it has gotten better....BUT only because my husband is becoming less and less of a real person who actually does anything outside of the house except work. He's become so much more reclusive that many of his previous double standards (he can blatantly and openly flirt with women in front of my face, but heaven forbid I say hello to someone of the opposite sex, i.e. social situations) don't apply anymore.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Example. Wife wants us to ditch our land lines (2 of them) and just use our cell phones. I am very sensitive to background noise. I HATE bad telephone connections. So I love land lines and not so fond of cell phones. I told her she can kill our fax line but not our voice line. I have explained that just as she is hypersensitive to color I am that way to background noise. 

We had holiday guests. One couple has no landline. My wife immediately says to me - at the dinner table - we should do what they do and just use our cell phones. I stare at her in disbelief for just a moment and then I tell the following story every word of which is true. And using cadence, facial expressions and so forth which had everyone - even Mrs. MEM laughing pretty good. 

I address the table - there are 6 other people - 3 other couples: 

We recently remodeled the bedroom? Mrs. MEM did a wonderful job - it is beautiful - take a look after dinner. (at this point the Mrs. is looking at me suspiciously). The way it worked is we got those Benjamin Moore sample paints - everyone groans - I said we tried about 20 colors - eh babe? W just nods sheepishly. And after about 10 weeks of trying different colors we picked a nice gray color - partly because we were literally out of room on the walls to put up more paint sample colors. Actually she picked the color and I hesitantly said "that looks great" - because she had already changed her mind about the best color about a half dozen time and I was trying to avoid putting myself into a corner - yet again. So she asks me "Do you really like it? Tell me the truth. I reply - YES - firmly. She says - "you said that about the last 5 colors." I look at the floor and mumble - "what did you say?" she asks. I am a color sluut - happy now? I say loudly as I move into her personal space. "Oh" she said backing up. "Are you tired of looking at sample colors?" "No" I quickly reply - "if you don't like this - do not get it." Thing is she DID like it. Or at least she thought she did. 

Except after the house painter put it on she noticed it had a hideous green tint to it - but only at night time. So a couple nights after we painted the bedroom I came in to get in bed and just got hammered. I mean suddenly I could tell she was angry. Really, really angry - at ME. And totally without warning. You know why? 

Because I was too stupid to realize what a total fuuking disaster the paint color was. So when I realized the error of my ways, and apologized (deep sigh - what is it that I actually did wrong here?) for being such an insensitive dolt and not recognizing "our" mistake, I said "no big deal - lets change it to what ever you want." And she looked at me dead pan - I swear to God and said - "ok baby but only if you really want to" which made me laugh so hard I almost wet my pants. 

Now we have this beautiful golden grass cloth wall paper. Really it looks great. And - hand on the bible I really do like it way more then the paint - even though the paint really looked fine. The point is that she is simply highly sensitive to color. As I am to static - on phone calls. I look down the table and say "baby I have an idea - lets tear down the grass cloth - go back to that nice grey color that YOU selected. After we do that - we can switch to cell phones and we can both be miserable until you decide to put the wall paper back up. OK?"

The guests are laughing - W is looking rueful. 

This was a total test for fitness. The phone bill is a financial non issue for us. She KNOWS how I am with background noise. She laughed along with our guests and likely won't mention this again for a long time. 

Only one measure of a response to a fitness test. When the guests left that night it was really late for us. Like 1:30. She said two things to me: 
- You were really good with the guests tonight. 
- Can we do it now?




credamdóchasgra said:


> This is what I feel like I'm experiencing.
> 
> And I wonder if anyone else can relate, and how you deal with it.
> 
> ...


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Creda what you are experiencing from your husband is not a double standard but a form of depression. He's an angry person who projects that anger out on you because it's like looking in a mirror. From his childhood he can't stand to be flawed in any way. If he has to accept your flaws then it means he is flawed too. That is just not acceptable. You are supposed to love him unconditionally warts and all but he isn't supposed to return that because in his eyes everyone around him should be perfect. He grew up thinking he had to be perfect and so now you are paying that price. He wants you to be perfect too.

It's effed up thinking but in his mind it's totally logical.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Creda what you are experiencing from your husband is not a double standard but a form of depression. He's an angry person who projects that anger out on you because it's like looking in a mirror. From his childhood he can't stand to be flawed in any way. If he has to accept your flaws then it means he is flawed too. That is just not acceptable. You are supposed to love him unconditionally warts and all but he isn't supposed to return that because in his eyes everyone around him should be perfect. He grew up thinking he had to be perfect and so now you are paying that price. He wants you to be perfect too.
> 
> It's effed up thinking but in his mind it's totally logical.


Any flaw I have = an attack on him, and he must defend himself
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Any flaw I have = an attack on him, and he must defend himself


Yes. Again it's like him looking in a mirror.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Yes. Again it's like him looking in a mirror.


His deepest fear is not being accepted.

I really appreciate your pov, btw.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> His deepest fear is not being accepted.


And he fears being abandoned.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> And he fears being abandoned.


Never was abandoned by his parents.
Resents and hates them for fighting through his childhood, and he had to mediate all their fights.
Especially his mom.
Resents every girl who rejected him and saw him as a "brother," and wouldn't date him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

TemperToo said:


> Credam and Jellybeans - The more I read from you guys, the more I feel less alone. My hubby sounds very similar to what you guys have described. And I think I sound similar to you two!
> 
> With my hubby's double standards, I always just caved. I would whine about them from time to time, but to "keep the peace" I always gave in and didn't enforce the same towards him.
> 
> In all honesty, it has gotten better....BUT only because my husband is becoming less and less of a real person who actually does anything outside of the house except work.


Trust me. You are not alone. There were days I would stay late at work and go to my parents afterwards to visit just because I did not want to go home. I had no idea who would be waiting for me when I got there: Nice hubby or cruel hubby.

He threw all of my things out on our front lawn and told me that I "made" him do that. I always "made" him everything.

The double standard thing got really really really old.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Never was abandoned by his parents.
> Resents and hates them for fighting through his childhood, and he had to mediate all their fights.
> Especially his mom.


Doesn't matter to a child fighting = potential abandonment. I wasn't abandoned either but I still have that fear. I too was the mediator.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Doesn't matter to a child fighting = potential abandonment. I wasn't abandoned either but I still have that fear. I too was the mediator.


You were? 
That's relevant. Very.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> You were?
> That's relevant. Very.


Yes. I was a grownup well before I should have been. Its part of where my anger came from. I was always in the middle of their problems, trying to fix them.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Yes. I was a grownup well before I should have been. Its part of where my anger came from. I was always in the middle of their problems, trying to fix them.


THAT describes his childhood entirely.

Any tiny thing takes him right back to that place and he feels helpless and out of control and goes on the attack.
And "I" look just like his parents to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Any tiny thing takes him right back to that place and he feels helpless and out of control and goes on the attack.


Hence why it will take professional therapy to fix. I can tell you that my husband could have done everything right and it wouldn't have made a darn bit of difference. He was screwed the minute he said "I do". He had no idea at the time the amount of emotional baggage I brought with me into the marriage. 

Our dynamic is he's like my mother and I'm like both our domineering, contolling fathers (his and mine). Makes perfect sense now why we were attracted to each other. We played by the same rules.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Hence why it will take professional therapy to fix. I can tell you that my husband could have done everything right and it wouldn't have made a darn bit of difference. He was screwed the minute he said "I do". He had no idea at the time the amount of emotional baggage I brought with me into the marriage.
> 
> Our dynamic is he's like my mother and I'm like both our domineering, contolling fathers (his and mine). Makes perfect sense now why we were attracted to each other. We played by the same rules.


We also have our respective reasons for being attracted to each other, to work out that childhood stuff.

Thing is, Im pushing myself to do that painful introspection to grow, and he's not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Credam, 

I just wanted you to know that I think magnolia may be hitting on something here, but just so you know, you are not alone. My exH used to scream at me for hours (and that's not an exaggeration--I timed it several times) for speaking to him with "a tone" in my voice. 

REALLY? "A tone"? Well if being spoken to with "a tone" is so traumatizing it entitles you to scream for 3 hours...what do you suppose being screamed at for 3 hours is like for me? Hmmm....???

Of course that never dawned on him  But like your hubby, Credam, he did not want to look at himself, face his past issues/fears, or even admit that he had a problem. He was diagnosed rapid cycling bipolar, diabetic, and needed anger management and he would not address one of them. 

I'm just saying this so you know that you are not alone. You are not nuts in thinking that it is inequitable for him to literally demand some "slack" while he offers you none. It is a double standard and you are aware of it--he most likely is not and if he were, very likely would not admit it. However, rather than projecting what he may or may not be thinking or feeling, I will say it seems to me like your thinking is reasonable and logical--makes sense to me!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Credam,
> 
> I just wanted you to know that I think magnolia may be hitting on something here, but just so you know, you are not alone. My exH used to scream at me for hours (and that's not an exaggeration--I timed it several times) for speaking to him with "a tone" in my voice.
> 
> ...


Thanks, AC.

The time is coming and is indeed here (ha, couldn't help this multi-entendre) when the direct question/challenge will be put to him.
My ability to understand and have compassion/detachment/knowledge it's not "about me," is helpful.

I truly don't know if he'll step up. 
It'll mean walking his big talk, stepping out of his comfort zone, facing some tough things, and venturing into uncharted territory.

I don't know if he will...and I've let go of the death-grip hold I have on *hoping* he will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Thing is, Im pushing myself to do that painful introspection to grow, and he's not.


It's balls to the wall over here too. I'm having it out firmly but lovingly with my husband calling BS on his passive aggressive behavior. He's the doormat passive guy like my mother. So I can do everything right but all he is going to do is ride on my coat tails. He isn't going to meet me halfway and that won't do for me either.

You should hear our texts back and forth today. They are pretty hilarious. I've so got his number. LOL!!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

credamdóchasgra said:


> My H has asked me numerous times to "cut him slack," let him "be a blockhead sometimes," and "let small things go."
> 
> I'm working on that.
> In other words--let him have his flaws, and let them slide.
> ...


This actually reminds me of the parable from the bible that deals with unequal distribution of compensation. Its the one where the vineyard worker asks for a certain wage for his work, is given that wage, and then finds out that someone else got the same wage for much, much less work.


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