# Suffering



## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

Hello all. I will start by telling you all my wife had a long distance affair, it was mostly Farm Ville and one weekend of BAD sex (his words, not mine, he posted on FB ). None the less we have 4 children whom I love and have a hard time leaving. We went thru 11 weeks of MC and was able to get rid of her FV BF. Then we quit w/ her promise of R w/o the need of a MC. SHE DID NOTHING FOR 4mo. I found another MC and we have been w/ her for 4 weeks, @ that same time I started the 180 plan. Our 5th session was canceled by my wife, it was put off for 3 weeks, we have 1 week to go before we see the MC again. Our homework was to listen to 2 CD's, I've listened to mine several times, she hasn't listened @ all. This is the way she is, she says she wants to work things out but her actions say differently. She is addicted to the computer games, she has admitted this openly, she is in turmoil over it but....she can't seem to get a grip and stay off. I have a feeling she's gambled all the money away and can't face herself.
It has been 11mo since "D" day, every move I have done, every move she's made has been forced by the threat of divorce, there is no real remorse, she has never done her therapy, she has never jumped in w/ both feet to help save anything...it has been all me!!
Time line-
April 28th- "D" day (7 days after my B-day)
July 25th-she gets rid of her on-line BF, I had to call him.
Oct. 3rd- she gets off FB for good, it was a big fight, I was yelling for the boys to call the Police b/c she got physical.
Nov 15th-she's caught playing games w/ other men/women on-line.
Feb I start the 180 plan, within days she comes begging for MC.
The rest of the time she's made me feel like I'm the crazy person, I am a big baby, MC was just her way from keeping me from leaving, she's in it but not working @ it.
Now for the good stuff- Her mother cheated on her dad 20yrs ago, almost to the day but her mother ran away w/ not 1 man but had several during this time she left, it was about a year. The story was told her mom came back sorry and in tears, I found out from the FIL last night she was planning on keeping her BF's (there was more than 1) and just living w/ him, he had filed for divorce and she couldn't afford to live on her own so she begged him to stop the divorce-she stayed for $$$$ not love, there was no remorse, there was no compassion, there was reassurance. Still to this day he has to check up on her, miles on her car, phone records, and e-mail accounts. This is NOT how I want to spend the rest of my life!!!
So do I just go and get a separation, give it another mo, or just file for divorce?
Thanks in advance,
Mouse


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Giving her another month only gives her another month to carry on with her current activities. It sounds as though her mother is a powerful role model. The woman basically walked all over her dad....and he put up with it. I'm guessing your wife thinks she can do the same thing.

Have you considered seeing an individual therapist? That's where I got the most help. My estranged husband wasn't going to MC for the purpose of saving our marriage, so I had to try something else. MC is a complete waste of time unless both parties are committed to saving a marriage. 

Hope something turns her around.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I'd file for divorce. I am very sorry you are going through this.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Talk to her about what is going on in MC. If you need to separate for some amount of time. She needs to know these actions aren't ok. Tell her about your fears of repeating her moms story.


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

Thanks for the replies- I do see a therapist once a week.
I believe you are all right, she is just dragging this out so she can keep playing instead of getting a job. The MIL is a sick twisted woman w/ one thing on her mind, HERSELF the wife is the same way!! I did tell her to see her lawyer today and file, she's acting like she did so we'll have to see.  It seems like a huge weight has been lifted, I have waited to long for her to recover/ get out of the fog!
Mouse


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Mouse it is time. You gave it your all, and I really have to admire your for doing what few others would have done under that circumstances. 

One thing that might help is to read about how to handle the emotions of kids of parents going through a divorce, just so you do every thing you can to lessen the impact on them. The very best of luck to you and your family.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Well the 180 had the most effect so keep it up and stop caving in to her BS. Make the changes now and when she crosses your boundries show her some consquences by limiting her ATM, shut off cable, and credit cards and take the kids out with out her. Spending more time with them..with out her.

She surely will take notice, just don't give in to her behavior.

See a lawyer and get a good idea on how things will pan out for the both of you. So you have some good info for when you decide to follow through. Once you have some knowledge on how the divorce will go it might give you some confidence in dealing with your wife.

Give her a good and long taste of being divorced will be like. Give her enough rope to hang her self....you can say. 
She might abandon the family there by giving you the ammunition in getting what you want out of the divorse. 
Or she pulls her head out of her butt and makes some changes. either way you have to turn your self around and make the changes that you can control....she then can choose to go along and except the changes or leave. Make it her choose


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

Thanks all for posting back! I saw a lawyer today, got home, wife was still mad, I tried to talk about keeping the peace and she asked for a separation, I said BINGO!! (I'll really file for divorce):rofl: Great minds think a like!! Every time she started a fight I told her the point was mute, I want peace. She claimed I hated her and I reassured her I hated what she did and what she didn't do but I'd never hate her!
Have a beautiful day, I am!!
Mouse


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