# MC went fine. Afterwards did not



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I had IC on Friday (day before MC). That went great! 

MC was fine, during it.

But my wife went suicidal afterwards. I had to stop her from trying to jump out of the moving car. She also went outside in the early morning to try and die from exposure. Each time I had to stop her. 

I stayed with her the whole time. Even looked at repairing a marriage books with her. We agreed to read any books we get together. I found "I Love You, but I'm Not IN Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship". We bought it. I started reading it that night, and have been since. She tried, but started crying and put it down.

We are "one day at a time" right now. I'm worried about her. And of course, how she feels is solely my fault. But I can't let the guilt get to me. She needs my help. And I continue to help her manage.

The book I mentioned has a section to read if you are already in crisis mode (already said/heard ILYBINILWY). It mentions separation as a possible way to repair. She hasn't read this part yet. I don't think she could tolerate separation.

There you have it. A-hole me make wife suicidal. I have lots of work to do. She is my greatest concern right now.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

What was said in MC that set her off?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

The same thing I've been talking to her about. I've lost my passion for her.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Wow - sorry Hertoo - sounds like she might need some IC as well. 

Like tacoma - I'm curious what set her off??


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

She had to hear something new though - didn't she?? Or do you think it just finally hit home??


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I think it just finally hit home. She refuses IC and makes every excuse about not having enough time. She prefers to read a book and find answers there. Books are not listeners or interactive, as we know.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

That is scary stuff HerToo. I'm so sorry for both of you.

She probably was not wanting to hear what she thought she was going to hear (thus the fear/anxiety beforehand), and then when she really did hear it, it was just that much more of a punch to the gut.

It's possible she may have been putting on a bit of a show to punish you, however. Keep that in mind. I have done this to my WW before.

If it continues to happen though, then you should demand IC for her. Even if just for your kids' sakes.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

There was no show. I did similar when I was caught in my affair. It's real feelings, just not real intentions to follow through. She's still in shock. She started to read some of the book this morning and mentioned how we already do many of the things mentioned in the first chapter exercises. Yes, those are actions of respect for the other. They do not imply passionate love. The crisis section hits where I am at. I don't think she has caught up yet, and doesn't want to either.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It has to be on her. I'm miles ahead of her in thought on our marriage. She's not done much to catch up and realize what's going on.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear about this, HT. Definitely take any threats she makes to harm herself VERY seriously.

Ask her if there is anything you can do to help her.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I am taking them seriously. She devalued herself in every area of her life that day. As a wife, mother, employee, you name it, she declared herself a failure.

She also said that she has no idea how to manage is she was on her own. Little does she know, we've both learned how to do that by learning what each other does. I used to do the bills and manage the checkbook. She does that now. She used to do all of the laundry, do housework, etc. I do that now with her. There isn't a damn thing she or I do that the other can't do, or get done somehow. 

If we separate, as part of an agreement to see if it makes things better for our marriage, it will be more like me being to see her every day to make sure she's okay. If that's the case, why leave the house at all?

I'm curious to see what my IC says, and what the MC says, if this topic comes up.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

HerToo - my heart sank when i read your post. Please dont take this the wrong way but i feel so desperately for your wife as i know exactly what she is going through. It brought my nightmare flooding back. At times the pain and heartache is unbearable but it WILL ease for her. I still get very down moments but they dont last as long and arent quite so devastating. One of the hardest parts for me in all of this has been dealing with the trust and forgivness issues. I pushed myself to trust and forgive him too soon and the end result was crippling anxiety and irrational fears and worries.

Your wife has a long way to go, but you are doing all the right things. Just be there for her, but be honest with her and yourself and please dont give her false hope. My H did the same as you, he worried that i wouldnt cope,, coildnt manage the day to day things, and there was a point that i thought that i wouldnt be able too, but we are strong. The hardest part to cope with is the heartbreak.

I believe you are a good man HT, and like my H has you made a mistake. 10 months on, he said to me that he still doesnt forgive himself for this terrible thing that he has done to me. Until that happens and he lets go of the shame and guilt i wonder if his love for me will ever come back. But we are working on it.

A trial seperation might be the answer for you. I know my H just felt under so much pressure and since he has moved out he seems to be getting back to his old self and we are becoming friends again. Its tough but i am looking at it as a long term goal. But this is only possible because we are in daily contact and still spend a lot of time together. BUT the seperation is giving us both space to heal, and we now spend time together because we want to and not because we have to. Back in Sep my H said he felt sorry for me, that realy hit a nerve with me and at that point i decided that i didnt want him here because he felt sorry for me, i wanted him to be here because he wanted to be, i think that was a turning point for me.

Seperation possibly isnt the answer for you right now, as it sounds as if your wife is feeling too fragile to deal with seperation. She needs to get IC and read as many self helpbooks as possible. I believe that she needs to heal herself before the marriage can begin to heal. This is what i needed to do and it has really helped. She needs to find a path that will help her heal, remember she is greiving the loss off everything she knows, and there is a proccess to that healing.

Sorry for the long post HT, as always i wish you and your wife well.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Take her to a doctor. Suicidal behavior is not something that should be addressed just with counseling.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Thank you Daisygirl. I'm afraid to leave her alone at times. She will go through highs and lows. I also don't want to give her false hope. And that is real tough when I'm helping her deal with the emotions.

I was able to forgive myself. And that was a huge step. I'm actually doing much better. But she is far behind me in the emotions. I've already grieved more that I care to ever to again. She is just realizing that what I've been saying is more than me just talking. It's a reality. And it's painful to watch. 

She needs a support system she can use. But since she won't allow anyone to know anything about what is going on, that blocks help from being there. Until she decides to seek help besides me, I have to be there for her. But I can't do it much longer without sending the wrong signals.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

HerToo said:


> She needs a support system she can use.


Like an infidelity forum where she can post anonymously?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

HerToo said:


> She needs a support system she can use. But since she won't allow anyone to know anything about what is going on, that blocks help from being there. Until she decides to seek help besides me, I have to be there for her. But I can't do it much longer without sending the wrong signals.


How long have you been at this hertoo?

Do you have a deadline in mind for re-kindling your desire for your wife?

You may just be dragging out the inevitable, causing more pain.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

No. Someone in person. Someone that can stop her from acting out in bad ways as well.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Okay, but failing that it may be worth getting her onto TAM or a TAM-like site. If you're worried about her recognizing you, you could delete your threads or move them to the private members section.
Then take a break from TAM.

She needs support and advice from a board like this more than you do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I agree.


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