# He's about to leave and I'm scared



## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

I've been married for almost 6 years and we have an 11mo. old son. I caught my husband having an emotional affair with an excoworker and they've kissed 3 times. nothing more apparently. his affair lasted 3 months. right away, we started going to counseling for the 3 weeks (after finding out) and during that time the fights have gotten worse. so now he wants to separate to clear his head. he hasn't had any contact with "her" since we started counseling and he says he wants to try and make us work. we will continue counseling through the separation. he plans to move out in about 1-2 weeks (depending on finding a place). his heart is torn. he is in love with 2 people. we haven't fought for the last 2 days. i know this is what he has to do for himself so i have to respect that. i don't want to push him away any further. i'm numb to fact that he will be leaving. it's all too sureal and i have hope that we will make it through this. but am I setting my expectations to high? i'm trying to focus on my well being and our son. lately i've been sleeping in the other room because i'm preparing myself for what is about to happen. i will miss him so much. any advice, please?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Even if it goes against your grain if a spouse asks for space, it is what is best for the relationship. Doting on him will likely drive him away further. In an EA the offending spouse is generally getting something emotional from the other that they don’t perceive they are getting at home. You need to find out what kind of things those are. Ego strokes, self esteem, comfort….. If you can provide those things then work on improving. It is important that he stay out of contact with this woman while he is going through this process. She is a negative influence on you and your marriage. I would suggest you read Dobson’s Love Must be Tough. It can help you see how letting go can actually bring your husband back towards you. My marriage has survived my wife’s EA so there is hope this can turn around for you. Best of luck.


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

thank you amplexor. we have set guidelines for the separation. he is not aloud to contact her. but if she does, he is supposed to tell me first and we are to have a conversation about it; how we both feel about it. he is also going through a job change and his mother's alzheimers has drastically declined. so there are a lot of stressors on his plate. i feel like i know him so well. he's a lost soul that feels like he doesn't have his mom (only parent) to give him advice anymore. plus he wasn't getting the right attention from me after having our baby, and i was also being treated for postpartum depression. i'm trying to show him how much i love and appreciate him, but i feel like i have to be careful not to over do it. i know that could backfire too. i'm trying to be a friend to him and cordial when it comes to discussing what he will be taking with him. i pretty much am making him feel like he has control over his life right now, but also trying not to look desperate. at least i hope that's what it looks like. sigh...


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Sounds like you have a great plan in place. I hope it all works out. Dobson’s book might still be of help for you. My signature line holds the four concepts I relied on the help us get through our toughest times. Hope they can help you too. Good luck.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Sorry. I have to disagree. Doesn't mean your point isn't valid Amplexor....I just disagree. HE wasn't getting what he needed from you? Hum...did you just have a baby or did I hallucinate? I have three kids....they take a lot of attention and a lot of time...takes two parents full force...especially when they are babies. Sounds like you are the one who needed the extra attention.

As far as his life stressors.....well......hello reality. People. We all have stress...we all deal with it every day. Boo hoo. Go cry. How immature. Selfish selfish people in this world. I bet you are loaded with stress.....new baby ...right? 

I am all for you saving this marriage and wish you best of luck...but this man needs a wake up call. EA's are no different than PA's and let's be clear.....he kissed her. That alone is physical contact. If his attention had been focused on you and the baby and giving all his heart and love to that....he wouldn't have had time for an affair of any kind. Marriage is work....hard work....and worth every ounce of energy you put into it.......

Sorry....lost soul or not....He is the one who is wrong....and he is owes you respect and love....not separtation and pain. He needs to grow up....get some advice from a real grown up man who can tell him how irresponsible he is being. But that's just my opinion...everyone has one and is intitled to their own.

GOOD LUCK...MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU.


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

Thank you denisek. i'm falling more and more into a deep depression over this. last night was tough. sleeping in the other bedroom, knowing he's in the other one, makes me feel so abandoned. i said to him last night that i was so frustrated with his selfish attitude that i wanted him to move out asap b/c it's so hard on me. i can't be here the day he moves out. he's going to try and move out at the end of the week. and today we're supposed to spend a "wonderful" july 4th together? yay, right! i'm glad that my 11mo old won't remember what is going on right now, but the thought of how it is going to affect him kills me! my husband is an overgrown child. works at a video game company and never wants to grow up. his having a middle-age crisis for sure. 

denisek you sound like his sister. as far as she is concerned she doesn't have a relationship with her only bro anymore b/c of what he has done. it's sad b/c she is taking my side and not even considering asking her bro why he did it. he feels abandoned by his own blood. deep down i'm sad about that, but on the surface i'm laughing. he deserves it! 

he needs to get over it and grow up. the more days he is in this house, treating me the way he is, not wanting to touch me with a 10ft. pole is heart wrenching. i just want him to go away and clear his head and realize what he wants out of life. in the meantime, i can't tell you how many glasses of wine i'm drinking! i need girl time for sure!


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Oh honey.....lay off the wine....I tried that....just makes it worse. I know it is relaxing...but it only masks the reality....which sux. 

My hubby is a video game addict....and he behaves like a child....immature. I have three children and he is not around enough for them to even miss him.

I too am facing separation...read "Don't want it don't have a choice."

My hubby drops the bomb on me two days before a trip with his family for the fourth of July.....and expected me to still go....I did and it was a disaster.

to make a long story short....me and the boys came home...(my sister had to come get us because he wouldn't let me take my van) I feel your pain....but if he is leaving....don't let him drag it out. It isn't fair to you. He made his decision...should've kept it to himself if he had no where to go....get my drift.


Of course you just want him to go on so you can actually start to heal...or at least not have to dread it. Dreading something is always worse than actually going through it....

I don't know if you are religious....but for me...my faith in God has been comforting....it is still hard but I know my self worth now. You can still love him...but don't make this easy.....and don't let him make this your fault...it's not...it's his. 


Keep that walking thing in mind....post partum depression can be serious and exercise is a wonderful way to prevent depression. 

Take care and keep posting....we care.


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

so he found a place yesterday and called me afterwards. he was sad about it and said he was anxious too. he said it is definitely going to be weird. i just went along with it, with a monotone voice, but made it known that i was listening to him. i sense some excitement from him though. i'm sure him moving out will be a big weight lifted. i just hope he knows what he is doing and i really hope he finds what he is looking for. whether it's the OW, me, or being by himself. i don't know. 

then i Bcc'd him on an email i sent my mom (who still doesn't know of our situation) asking if she can babysit. one of the dates was our anniversary. we will both be taking separate trips with friends that weekend, but i lied to my mom to say we were going away together. then he responds back to me saying how sad that made him. WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM ME???? i'm so frustrated!! how long will my patience last? am i being toooo patient? 

i'm trying to search for what i want now. but i know what i want. i want the man i married back in my life. in my son's life!


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

we had our counseling session tonight. eh... i need to work on my communication as he needs to work on listening to me. but the bottom line is; he is still in love with the OW. every time he says it, it hurts even more. 

he started packing tonight. hearing the tape go across the boxes was just too much for me to handle. 

i finally told my father. he cried. he's only cried a couple of time with me. he feels for me and our son. our poor son. 

i'm miserable. my self-esteem is way low. but then it picks up and then i feel okay. what a roller coaster. i hate it.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

i am feeling for you. i suppose I am just waiting for that day to come too. 

I get up in the morning and sometimes feel fine, then it all seems to overwhelm me and before I know it, I am crying again. Does this all sound familiar.


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

oh yes, all too familiar. i read your post and feel for you too.

we have to remain strong. in a way, i'm ready to learn about myself again. i have lost some of who i am now that i'm a new mom to an 11mo. old. everyone does, because of the new life that we have responsibilities for. i wouldn't change it for the world! but in order to give my son my all, i need to learn to relove myself. 

forget about that jerk of a husband that i love so much. he needs to go on his own journey of finding himself. and if it's meant to be we'll rediscover us as a couple. i have to have patience and faith, but in the meantime it's all about ME. 

i just hope i don't do this in a selfish way. i want to lead by example for my son. it is tough to get out of those moods though. very tough. but i guess it will become easier as the days go on. 

we're all here to support each other. i'm so glad i found this site.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

You are so right. It is such a shame that he will miss out on so much of the joys of being a father though, your little one is so young. but he has got such a great mum by the sounds of things, you two will do fine.

I need to come to terms with it all the same as you. I cant make my husband love me and want to be with me, and as you say if it is meant to be it will. 

I have 2 fantastic kids and for that i am eternally grateful, but am also scared about a life that is completely alien to me. 

This site has been a great find, and comfort


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

i wrote him a letter yesterday.

he thanked me for it at dinner last night. he didn't respond to me. he said he wasn't sure he knew how. i didn't expect for him to respond anyways. what did the letter say?

that i still love him, and how i'm stuggling with standing by him as his wife since he has voiced how much he still loves and misses the OW. i wished him the best and that i was excited to rediscover myself while we are apart. i asked that he fix his internal problems before jumping into another relationship if we don't work out. and i hope that the OW fixes her internal problems as well. it would just be best for all of us, since children are involved. I asked him not to find another woman to replace me as my son's mom. and I promised to do the same with another man. I said goodbye to the old us in the letter, but i also said i'm welcoming a new us. and if that happens then it only means we never truely stopped loving one another. but only time and our hearts will tell. 

i felt good the rest of the day. i needed to get that out. we had a nice dinner together. my boundaries are still there. separate beds, can't see me naked, or kiss on the lips. i want to be respected and don't want to share myself with that OW. but i still let him know how much i care. i hope he hears that. 

this morning i can tell he is sad; last day to bring our son to daycare. tommorow is moving day. he has made his bed. what a poor lost soul he is...


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

You are being so brave, it has brought tears to my eyes.

I hope it works out.


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> You are being so brave, it has brought tears to my eyes.
> 
> I hope it works out.


thank you Mumof2. you can be brave too. but honestly the roller coaster i'm on right now will dive down sooner or later. it happens at night when the seritonin in my brain is wiped out. 

i strategically built my support system of family and friends. those that are safe to tell and those that have gone through something similar. and then there is this site. my husband's entire family is on my side. that is why i'm so sad for him. he has pushed everyone away. i worry about his depression when we are apart. he is also type1 diabetic and as a nurse i worry about that too. who will be there to help him through his hypoglycemic episodes?? i'm scared for that. and the stress hasn't been good for him. 

i bought one of those tiny laptops with a webcam so we can skype. he plans to say good nite to our son every day still. plus he'll be here on the weekends and one day during the week for counseling days. 

sigh.....


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I am a nurse too. I think it is in our nature to care. Maybe too much


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> I am a nurse too. I think it is in our nature to care. Maybe too much


oh my gosh, yes! do you think we hold on too much? trying to fix other people's problems? that's what i need to be careful of. i don't want to have that expectation. i need to check my feelings at the door when i address my husband sometimes. in fact, that's what i'm working on with my own individual therapist. she thinks i detach myself too well, that it could be bad. i need to face my problems rationally.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I think we absolutely do.

My friends think I am great as I am always there to sort out there stuff, maybe I need to concentrate on my own.
After all that H has put me through recently I still went with him to hospital for scan, he needs gallbladder removing and I dare say I will be there to look after him after surgery. I cant help it. I have to.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

The real damage to your son will come from two things: you remaining angry, depressed, and/or bitter and, most importantly, making the boy feel like he has to choose. You have control over both those things (and you have lots of time too). So make a commitment to being happy no matter what happens, to working through your pain and coming out a better, stronger person on the other side, again, no matter what finally happens.

As for OW: he needs to wipe out any possibility of being with her, ever. He will never be able to commit to you if he doesn't do this, and then it will still take time b/c he will have to get over her. Yes, he thinks she's "perfect" now, but he thought that about you at one time. He needs to counteract any thoughts of her with focus on the marriage, on what he wants it to be like, what he wants to feel with and for you. Thinking of her is taking the easy way out--it triggers pleasurable feelings for him, and he can ask himself, "what can we (he and you) do to get that feeling or get another pleasurable feeling?" He might want to focus on sex or affection or fun times you could have together, and then he should tell you what he thought of, and the two of you should make it happen. It might be a good idea to talk about breaking up any sexual routine you've gotten into, and trying new things together, to create a new experience and a bond about sharing that new experience. Best of luck.


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> The real damage to your son will come from two things: you remaining angry, depressed, and/or bitter and, most importantly, making the boy feel like he has to choose. You have control over both those things (and you have lots of time too). So make a commitment to being happy no matter what happens, to working through your pain and coming out a better, stronger person on the other side, again, no matter what finally happens.
> 
> As for OW: he needs to wipe out any possibility of being with her, ever. He will never be able to commit to you if he doesn't do this, and then it will still take time b/c he will have to get over her. Yes, he thinks she's "perfect" now, but he thought that about you at one time. He needs to counteract any thoughts of her with focus on the marriage, on what he wants it to be like, what he wants to feel with and for you. Thinking of her is taking the easy way out--it triggers pleasurable feelings for him, and he can ask himself, "what can we (he and you) do to get that feeling or get another pleasurable feeling?" He might want to focus on sex or affection or fun times you could have together, and then he should tell you what he thought of, and the two of you should make it happen. It might be a good idea to talk about breaking up any sexual routine you've gotten into, and trying new things together, to create a new experience and a bond about sharing that new experience. Best of luck.


it's interesting you say that. one of the many reasons he is leaving is b/c he wants to feel those "butterflies" of new love again. he wants to "date" me again. he wants to "miss" me. i'm glad that he says that, but doesn't he understand that love evolves and it will never stay like that? it's like he is going backwards. i'm not a snore in bed either! i'd like to say i've taught him to experiment a little. but the added responsibilities that WE invited into OUR lives cannot be ignored. house, a baby, a 2-income household to build for our future. i admit, the postpartum depression and my mom living with us was aweful. i hope he can get passed that and focus on the new us, if we were still to work on it. 

i hope that if we do work out, we don't get boring again. loves evolves, but i get what you're saying. it can evolve for the better. be open to new things in our relationship so it doesn't get bland. most of that is emotional though. at least i know i'm still attractive to him. he said i am better looking than the OW. so i have points there. LOL!! we both need to work on being emotionally available for each other. we have to whether or not we are apart or together - for the sake of our son.


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

so he's out of the house and it's erie. seeing some of the furniture gone is a constant reminder of what my life really is. no more denying it. this is it. separation is upon us and now i have to live with it. it sucks. totally sucks. how does he think he is going to be a good father still? sure, come over and play with him and throw money at us. that makes it all better. that SOB will never know how much damage he is doing to our son. i hope to god that he won't grow up and resent his father and think he was the reason for doing this. i feel like my husband is scared of being a father. that OW that he still loves has a child. but the good thing for him there is that he wouldn't have full responsibility for that kid. hmmmm. less responsibility. less worry. boy, that's seems perfect, doesn't it??? (sense the sarcasm)

after he moved out he asked me if i was okay. OK???? he's he serious? so i said no and hung up on him. i'm sick of being this angry.


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

last night's therapy session was crazy! argued the entire time. but the therapist told my H that I had every right feel this angry. And I also had to realize that he still cares for me when he calls to see if I'm okay. the two of us can't talk anymore. we will have our indiv. sessions next week. we'll talk just for our son's sake, but we can't text, email, or phone each other. we need a truely silent break. i need to not only look at this separation as a time to find ourselves again, but a cooling off period. especially for me. when i'm on fire, i get really hot. and that doesn't help the situation. i'm glad that our therapist saw it. she really got a show! name calling and all! but she did say the reason behind our harsh arguing is the passion we have for each other. if we didn't love each other, then it would be a different argument. i'm not quite sure about that, but i can sort of see it. right now, i need to really deal with anger management. i hate how this anger is starting to consume me. i don't want to become THAT person.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

I personally think it is important to be angry. It helped me a lot. That said, I know what you mean about becoming THAT person... 

Let it out. He needs to see it. What I am starting to admit is my part in all of this b/c like you, I'm a helper and it was my choice to allow my relationship to have the dynamic it had. Too, he accepted it.

If you can admit it was you fault for enabling him, it will dissapate the anger a little. But get all of that anger out! Very healthy!!! Let it rip... then take stock.

Take care,

OINL


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

ls878 said:


> last night's therapy session was crazy! argued the entire time. but the therapist told my H that I had every right feel this angry. And I also had to realize that he still cares for me when he calls to see if I'm okay. the two of us can't talk anymore. we will have our indiv. sessions next week. we'll talk just for our son's sake, but we can't text, email, or phone each other. we need a truely silent break. i need to not only look at this separation as a time to find ourselves again, but a cooling off period. especially for me. when i'm on fire, i get really hot. and that doesn't help the situation. i'm glad that our therapist saw it. she really got a show! name calling and all! *but she did say the reason behind our harsh arguing is the passion we have for each other. if we didn't love each other, then it would be a different argument*. i'm not quite sure about that, but i can sort of see it. right now, i need to really deal with anger management. i hate how this anger is starting to consume me. i don't want to become THAT person.


Im not sure about that either.

I think it has more to do with different personalities.

Agressive people need to get it out or will be consumed.

Im very passive and Im fine if I dont get it out till later and on my own terms. I mean everyone has their breaking point but we dont all need to yell and scream and look for revenge (not saying their is anything wrong with that - again, different mindset.)

I could never make my wife understand that.


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

thanks dark angel. it sounds like my H has the same mindset as you. he thanks me when we have a rational, constructive conversation. i am cabable of doing that. I'm just so hurt over all of this. the lying, betrayal, and loving someone else is a stab to my heart and self-esteem. not only that, but he kept everything inside of him while we were trying to get pregnant. THAT angers me the most. our poor son was brought into this mess?? and i had no idea it was really THAT bad of a marriage. I just want to know the truth. i just want good communication between the two of us. whether it be good or bad. it's called life and working on a relationship. it's not always rosie, right?

i think the silence is good for me. i'm just really really SAD now. i cry at night, but then i'm okay before i hit the sack. i just miss him so much. right now i just want to hold him and say everything will be okay. i really want him back. i really want to make this work. i know i'm at fault for a lot of things. controlling, passive-agressive, insensitive. and for why? because i fear a lot of things. i hope the anger is subsiding. i don't like it. but the sadness is really present now. just going through the steps i guess...


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I hope you are OK, you have been in my thoughts. The sadness is sometimes overwhelming isnt it


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> I hope you are OK, you have been in my thoughts. The sadness is sometimes overwhelming isnt it


thank you mumof2. i've been thinking about you too and hope you're doing ok with all that has been going on. 

you know, i'd rather be sad than angry. i didn't like how the anger was making me become as a person. yucky! i had a long conversation with my H's confidants wife. we are all friends. they are both supportive of our sides and want to see us work through this. they also separated, had legal docs drawn, but continued counseling. they both made some changes within themselves and now they are back together. it took them about a year to get through the hard stuff. but now they are married and have a beautiful daughter and all seems to be working well with them. i takes two to make it and break it. i just hope my H can help himself out of his confusion and choose to work on us and not flee. 

the saddest part is that our son knows how to say mama. but then he is now asking for dada. and I have to say, "dada is not here right now, but he misses and loves you and will see you soon."


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

You are right about the sadness, I have been angry in the past with my H being very placid and it didn't help at all. I may need to be more assertive but anger will just drive H away I think.

But now I don't think he understands that I am so very sad, not angry at all, but sad for what is happening, what we have had and could have again. I am sure it is the same for you.

It must be tough with your little one, he is so lucky you are being so strong. Mine are older but I find myself trying to put a brave face on all the time.


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

it's hard when it comes to the children. because yours are older, it might be good for you to show your emotion a bit-without pulling them into the midde of it. they may have some emotions that you never knew that need to come out. it will be a good opportunity for them to learn not to internalize feelings. but making sure they don't choose sides is difficult very important not to do. children (no matter what their age) can sense when something is off within the family. 

my parents divorced when i was 22. at 16, i saw my mom kiss another man. my dad still doesn't know. i never told him. i was so angry with my mom for a long time and have issues about cheating b/c of it. i chose to put myself through counseling to get it off my chest. when i told my mom later that i did that, she laughed (fear/embarassment probably). if my mom was rational enough to sit down with me and talk to me about it, i may have a different outlook. i would still be upset, but maybe our relationship would be different now. i try really hard to have a positive relationship with her. my efforts, my choice.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I probably should let the kids know my feelings more. In fact H and I are off to see our daughter this evening.

Our son is at university so we have been trying to lessen the impact on him as I don't want his studies to suffer anymore than they probably are already.

Neither my H or I have been discussing each other with the kids. They have understandably been asking questions and we have done our best to answer them honestly. And that goes back to the point about being sad rather than angry. If I was angry I may be tempted to run H down to the kids, but I cant and wont. I cant speak for H, but he is not usually that kind of person. 

we both had traumatic childhoods, my mother was married and divorced twice, attempted suicides ans stuff so it became almost an unspoken rule that our 2 kids came first.

I hope a bit of space will give you and H a chance to work it out. It definitely sounds like there is some hope there. I haven't given up yet. I am determined to make the last 20 odd years count for something.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

How are you doing


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> How are you doing


thank you for asking. i'm actually really really sad right now. just came back from the dog park (gorgeous sites of the city and the bay). strolled with my son. we went to concert in the park together (w/dog) on friday. i'm trying to do the family activities independently. it's so hard though. but if we divorce, this is the way it has to be anyways, right? so i'm trying to get used to it. it's not fun though. i feel like i'm still missing something. i'm trying to do it for my son mostly, and for me to get out of the house. 

my H and i skyped last night. he says he wants to be a good dad, but i don't think he is making a great effort to do so. it took him 3 days to get hook up the webcam to do it. i don't know... his sister called me today. everytime i talk to her i get really sad and a little bit angry again. she tends to hold in a lot of anger and gets me going when she vents with me. she is so mad at her brother b/c he is just being like his father. H acting like he's 8 and wanting to play all the time with no responsibilities. i just feel so bad for MY son.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I think weekends are harder too. Everyone seems to be out with their partners and I think that makes us feel more alone.

My H is still here and is apparently trying, we went to cinema and out for a meal, but I still feel so alone at times. Its like he is someone I don't know any more. It seems as though he has wiped over 20 years from his memory.

I have only known doing things as a couple, even if I did go out with just the kids or friends I knew that he would be waiting for me. The thought of coming home to an empty house does not bear thinking about.

Its good that you are getting out, your son will need some sense of normality if you can. I suppose I don't have to pretend if the kids aren't here. 

I can only speak for myself, but I don't want to be angry, I know lots of people think I should, but I love him and still want to be married to him. If things work out all that anger could be really bad for us. If it doesn't work out I am sure I will be able to move on quicker if I am not holding on to a load of anger. I hope that makes sense.


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

i'm really missing him right now. i'm going to see him tommorow as he will babysit our son while i do our first individual session with our couples therapist. i'm anxious to see him. i don't know how he'll be towards me. i don't want to be passive agressive which i tend to do at times. i'm just really nervous!


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

How was seeing him, and how was your session. Hope it went OK. Chin up


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

Well traffic got him to the house late, so I just passed him our son, gave some instruction of what still needed to be done, and safely sped off. I made it on time and loved every minute with our therapist. She got the idea that i always thought our marriage was great (with the occasional hiccups). We talked about fine tuning my communication skills and she even told me not to go down divorce road. She actually gave me advice! 

When i got home, H was ready to leave. He cleaned up the house some while I was gone and even took the trash out for pick up. He could tell living life as a single parent with 2 animals in the house is hard. Toys scattered, lawn grown out, dishes piling, etc. So it was nice to see he did that. H didn't want to stay for dinner. He felt awkward, but I at least made the offer. So we hugged good-bye. Awkward again. no kiss. he asked if he could stop by again tonight before/after his individual appointment. "Of course! You don't have to ask," i said. He just doesn't know where he stands with me I think.

I had a glass of wine later on that evening and texted him saying it was good to see him. no reply; but i wasn't expecting one. i just felt like telling him. 

i really wonder if he'll stop by tonight.


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

so he stopped by for about 20 minutes to see our son before heading to his appointment. he called afterwards and we spoke for a bit. come to find out that he wants to call the OW now to see if she still feels the same about him. i mentioned that i hear she is happily married and might want to check into that. i have friends that know her. hmmm.. it's a small world isn't it? well b/c he says he still has such strong feelings for her, i told him to contact her if he hasn't already to see where she is at. i don't want to be strung along anymore. i need to move on with my life. i'm ready. as far as i think... but i can't live like this. i've taken off my rose colored glasses and see the man i'm dealing with now. wow...who would want to marry that? or just be involved? NOT ME!!!!


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

saw my individual therapist at lunch time. she wants me to figure out whether i'm asking for this divorce because i'm really done trying to work on the marriage OR if i'm just acting on the uncertainty i'm getting from my husband. i had to think about that one a bit....i really don't think i'm quite sure to be honest. damn!

but i wrote the OW an email this morning telling her to call my H b/c he misses and still loves her. ballsey right?? of course my H replied and said how disappointed he was with me about doing that, but he said he also understood why i did it. i told him not to turn anything around on me and he need not be diappointed in me. It's the other way around. and besides, he's getting what he wants, right? so why has he been calling me nonstop, leaving me voicemails begging me to get in touch with him? i know we have to talk about splitting our assets and the care of our son, but i need a mental break from it today. i just told my H i wanted a divorce. This needs to be chewed on a bit.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Hi there

I have been so wrapped up in the disaster area that is my life and haven't been to ask how things are going.


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

Gosh...i feel like i should start a new thread. so much has happened. we both went to lawyers and they both said we should continue counseling and not waste our/their time and our money. nice lawyers, huh? i'm emotionally not ready to file a petition. i still want to try for us. H deperately does not want me to divorce him. I'm detaching myself right now. Not wearing my ring (H still is), took down pics of us (H came over and put them back up), and i'm starting to change my appearance. lightened my hair a bit, wearing my contacts, and lost a bunch of weight from all the stress (the wine diet - works well ) i'm feeling better right now and love the way i look. 

i booked a trip to miami with girlfriends, since H will be going to vegas. and now H had the balls to tell me not to "hook up" with anybody while i'm there. "excuse me??" i'm happy that he is jealous and annoyed by it. but he doesn't know the group i'm going with aren't into clubs that much. i want to enjoy the beach, have nice dinners, and learn to paddle surf, and of course dance a bit. it's my time to be free and live it up. H will be watching our son while i'm gone. he will know how it feels to be a single parent for once with all the daily responsibilities. 

couples therapy is still going well. we had a good one yesterday and went to dinner afterwards. we just need more time apart from each other. if he came home now, we would just fight more and ruin that second chance. 

i'm still very much in love with him though...


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> Hi there
> 
> I have been so wrapped up in the disaster area that is my life and haven't been to ask how things are going.


How are you doing??? Did your husband have his surgery?


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Not yet, seeing consultant Monday so soon after that. Unfortunately discovered he has been in touch with a long lost love for the last few months and has been emailing and texting. I told him to leave. Have a look on my other post its all there in glorious detail. 

God things couldnt get any worse really.


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

H begged me not to divorce him. We had a long talk last night and said he needed to emotionally be grounded and ready to come home to be a good husband and father to us. he is not talking the OW - i'm pretty sure about that. he also promised he would make an appointment to see his own individual therapist. 

i put my ring back on. it feels good, but i'm still standing my ground with him. hope is in the air for both of us. we just need our space i think. boundaries will be set for sure if he moves back. ABSOLUTELY!!!!

my mom is coming over this weekend. let's see how i can keep this hidden from her. "oh we donated some furniture when the carpet was put in,":liar:

H will be in Georgia visiting his mother who has Alzheimers this weekend, so lying to mom will be easy...


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I will keep my fingers crossed for you.


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

Things have turned around!!!

To make this short: H took a trip back home to go through his dying mother's stuff, the calls and texting became more and more frequent between the two of us. Lots of I miss you's and I love you's. 

He saw the OW twice during our separation; H said to know how he really felt where his heart needed to be. (my friend actually caught them in a toy store during their 2nd mtg and said they looked pretty platonic). H came back into our house, pleading, crying, and begging me to take him back. He said he finally realizes what he would be giving up if he cont. a relationship with the OW. 

I took him back: but very reserved, staying firm, hopefull, but untrusting. It will take a very, very, very long time. Counseling will continue FOREVER!! H says he knows and expects that too. Actions speak louder; but he said he will apologize everyday for doing what he did to us. 

OW Husband?? I finally spoke with him on the phone yesterday. When my H broke it off with her, she yelled at him saying how weak he was to come back to me and that she hates him, yada yada.... OW turned things around to tell her own husband that SHE was the one to break it off - I took the liberty to clarify that lie with her husband  She lied to her H about a lot of things and I clarified every single one of them. I absolutely know I know the truth. I've had proof, saw the emails, etc. 

The OW was sitting next to the H when I was on the phone with him! And how crazy that I was talking to him like a therapist!! "Don't make any rash decisions right now...I now you're angry...you guys are in the same position we were in 2 months ago...think about your son before you decide on anthing...you wife only wants to be loved." 

I couldn't believe myself!!!! 

So hopefully it's finally behind us...you never know though. I'll remain strong, not push my H away while he earns his trust back, still will be working on myself so I won't make the same mistakes again, and continue to be the best mom I can. 

Life is crazy!!!


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I am over the moon for you. You deserve to be happy you know. Keep us all posted as to how it is going though.

In my house H seems to be happier. Medication has been increased and he seems less anxious. As a result I am less anxious, so I am ever hopeful, and hearing your news only makes me more determined to not give up just yet. :smthumbup:


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