# Can a marriage survive without trust or forgiveness?



## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

I found out last month that my husband of 16 years had been having an affair for approximately 9 months. He told me it finished about 6-12 months ago.

I accidently found out via emails on his account. He admitted it. I was away with my children when I found out so I had 3 weeks to deal with it on my own. I have now been back home for about 10 days. My husband is very remorseful and he is doing everything he can to make up for what he has done.

I love him very much and want us to stay together etc. However, something inside of me has died. I cannot forgive him or trust him ever again. Not too keen on going to counselling.

Where do we go from here? Does time make things easier?

Thanks for ''listening''.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Where do you get 9 months from?

Because he told you that's how long it lasted and when it finished?

Why would you believe anything he tells you after he's committed the ultimate act of deception and only came clean after you confronted him with indisputable evidence?

Stop trusting, start digging.

And no, in my opinion you can never, ever trust him again but that doesn't mean you can't save the marriage, it just won't be what it could have been if he didn't mess everything up.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

I am still in the 'raw'' stage. I will never get over this. I just don't know if we can get over this. He is trying to make amends. I guess it is just not enough sadly.

I will never be the same person again.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Once you can confirm NC and there is real remorse then you can forgive. The trust will come much later once NC and remorse is got a good foot hold on the marriage.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

6 to 12 months?
Could he be anymore vague?

I think its total BULSHT it may still be going on but on hiatus until you calm down a bit. She still works w him right?

And if by "marriage" you mean the popularly accepted definition then no, not likely. He will have to do some real work to earn SOME of that back. Enough of it to make the marriage work otherwise its going to be a painful coexistance for the both of you and your children


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

itskaren said:


> I am still in the 'raw'' stage. I will never get over this. I just don't know if we can get over this. He is trying to make amends. I guess it is just not enough sadly.
> 
> I will never be the same person again.


None of us will be, but with time we can see if the amends our waywards make are real and true.

For now keep an eye out and continue to verify his commitment.


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## Sestina (Nov 6, 2012)

Just wanted to say I know how you feel. Dead inside. I'll never be the same. There is a reason many psychologists compare this to war trauma. Please take care of yourself--consider IC or medication, just make sure you have support. It's hard. It gets easier. And I'm only not quite 3 weeks out from D-Day.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

the guy said:


> Once you can confirm NC and there is real remorse then you can forgive. The trust will come much later once NC and remorse is got a good foot hold on the marriage.


Sorry what is NC? thanks


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

itskaren said:


> Sorry what is NC? thanks


I don't get why experienced posters need to abbreviate two short words especially within a post that is a long paragraph or more, filled with much longer words. Newbies don't know what this stuff means and it's a big time waster for them to try to figure it out and for other posters to type long explanatory answers. 

Confirming NC means (in this case) making sure there is *N*o *C*ontact between the cheating spouse and the suspected affair partner (AP).


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

sharkeey said:


> I don't get why experienced posters need to abbreviate two short words especially within a post that is a long paragraph or more, filled with much longer words. Newbies don't know what this stuff means and it's a big time waster for them to try to figure it out and for other posters to type long explanatory answers.
> 
> Confirming NC means (in this case) making sure there is *N*o *C*ontact between the cheating spouse and the suspected affair partner (AP).



Thank you makes sense now!


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

Unfortunatley they still work together. MY husband has stated that he tries to keep a distance and only contacts her if needs be. 

Very difficult to cope with but powerless to do anything about it. Her contract finishes in Feb 2013.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Remorse is good for the soul, for him. Likely it also helps you.
Still it doesn't mean you must to reconcile with him. Many people believes it's a complete dealbreaker. The thought of staying repulses them, harm thier core values. For others once the trust is broken there's no way to gain it back. It's fine. You don't need to stay. He damm knew it could cost him the marriage. He toke the risk.

The same thing happen with forgiveness. You don't have necessarily to forgive him but it might be good for you too even if you don't stay with him.

It's all about the past? Do you think if OW wasn't working there still you'd see things diferently?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Karen two things
1. you seem to have an innate humility about you. The words " ..not proud of what i did" in the title of your first thread speak to this, as do other words like "powerless" etc in both threads. You need to gather your strength. You should get YOURSELF into counseling to address these issues and to help you cope with this fallout.

2. Go to the top of this "coping with infidelity" board. The second thread has the word "sticky" (i dont remember the name of the whole thread) in it are useful articles that can give you some insights and perhaps a bit of comfort and direction.

Take care of yourself


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

My parents will be celebrating their 41st wedding anniversary in a week. They have betrayed each other numerous times and on many different levels. I don't think there has been any trust or forgiveness from either of them since probably after the first 6 months they've been married. I wouldn't call what they have a "marriage" either. It is something else. So no, without those two things, I don't think it can survive. At least not without rotting the souls of those involved.


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## donkler (May 21, 2012)

itskaren said:


> Unfortunatley they still work together. MY husband has stated that he tries to keep a distance and only contacts her if needs be.


Thats the story I got told when my Ex wife went off with her boss.

I told her to quit work or quit me. She did the latter.

The next thing I knew she quit work, not for me though..It would appear she got an ultimatum from big boss man when his Mrs left him :smthumbup:

In simple terms, he has to quit work, to prove to you its over. Otherwise you will be fighting a lost cause - even if you want him back, and to eventually feel anything like secure again.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I do think as long as they are working in the same place, with access to each other daily, you will never be able to feel peace.
It really does take time to recover from a betrayal like this. Take the time to read through the information available on this site.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Isn't your husband the man who said that he hadn't been happy in the entire 16 years you've been married? That he was sorry, but didn't feel guilty?

How is this remorse? Who could forgive that?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Re: Can a marriage survive without trust or forgiveness?


Yes it can

So can a car get you from point A to point B. 
Would you be willing to keep that car if it had no windows, no seats, no heat or cooling and a motor that keeps sucking in tons of gas and emptying your money and making you bitter?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Some say it can. I don't see how.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

I have been thinking about my husband's affair since I found out on the 26th Oct every minute of my waking day.

Just when does it get easier? If anything the pain just gets worse. I have got a counselling appointment next week the first. I told my husband that I have an appointment and he said ''good I'm pleased ... I think you need it'' WTF??? he had the affair?

I did not bite. Did not respond. I just still feel empty and alone. Just so sad thinking about the future and the husband that I have lost forever , whether we stay together or not.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

itskaren said:


> I have been thinking about my husband's affair since I found out on the 26th Oct every minute of my waking day.
> 
> Just when does it get easier? If anything the pain just gets worse. I have got a counselling appointment next week the first. I told my husband that I have an appointment and he said ''good I'm pleased ... I think you need it'' WTF??? he had the affair?
> 
> I did not bite. Did not respond. I just still feel empty and alone. Just so sad thinking about the future and the husband that I have lost forever , whether we stay together or not.


You know what? Even though he's a cheating PITA, even though he trampled on your marriage, even though he lied by ommission and seems remorseless, you are still his wife. He can still see what effect this is having on you and worry. He can still care, if for no other reason than that you are with his children. And I'm betting if he ended it on his own, it's proabably a lot more than that.

But I get a sense that you don't want him to care. Because that humanizes him. It makes things confusing. It's easy when he's just that POS who ruined your life and self confidence. Caring makes things...gray. . 

But it's looking for the gray and not just painting things black which will help you get over this no matter which way you go.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

walkonmars said:


> 6 to 12 months?
> Could he be anymore vague?
> 
> I think its total BULSHT it may still be going on but on hiatus until you calm down a bit. She still works w him right?
> ...


:iagree: Could he be any more vague about when it supposedly ended. I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.. Start digging.. He probably hasn't even ended it.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Are you still seperated by two oceans?


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

itskaren said:


> I have been thinking about my husband's affair since I found out on the 26th Oct every minute of my waking day.
> 
> Just when does it get easier? If anything the pain just gets worse. I have got a counselling appointment next week the first. I told my husband that I have an appointment and he said ''good I'm pleased ... I think you need it'' WTF??? he had the affair?
> 
> I did not bite. Did not respond. I just still feel empty and alone. Just so sad thinking about the future and the husband that I have lost forever , whether we stay together or not.



Hello,
Hope you are doing better.
Just focus on your betterment and coming out of the pain.
And he has the audacity to tell you that you need the counselling after cheating on you.He is going to rot in HELL!
Each day aim towards being emotionally detached from him and work on yourself;
Once you are sure of the finances(legally),just leave him forever!! And be sure that you make him pay nicely;
Take care!Its tough ,its painful but you will get stronger and happier,That is for sure.God bless you karen.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

JCD said:


> Are you still seperated by two oceans?


No , I have been home for 3 weeks now.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

jmb123 said:


> Hello,
> Hope you are doing better.
> Just focus on your betterment and coming out of the pain.
> And he has the audacity to tell you that you need the counselling after cheating on you.He is going to rot in HELL!
> ...


Thank you.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

There are tons of books out there that will help if you are a self help reader.

Check out Janis Springs in particular.

To answer your initial question, no a marriage cannot survive without those things. Your marriage currently has neither. If you are willing to put in some hard work to forgive, and he is will to put in some hard work to rebuild trust, your marriage COULD have those two things back.

It'll take a long long time before you get there, and you'll go thru a lot of pain on the way.


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