# Am I being unrealistic?



## Justinr (Jan 1, 2013)

Hi all,

Complete newbie here and literally at the end of my tether, but want to make sure I am not being unrealistic (I don't think I am).

As a husband of 16 years (and partner of 22 years) is its unrealistic to:

1. Want my wife to shave / wax / have a brazilian?
2. Want my wife to wear sexy underwear of my chooing?
3. Expect that what she did 20 years ago she would still do (and I'll put this in context now. Her quote is "I only did that to impress you at the time" which as you can imagine makes me feel really great...)

Oh and just to add, its been 18 months...

Sorry bad first post I know but just desparate and unhappy...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Justinr said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Complete newbie here and literally at the end of my tether, but want to make sure I am not being unrealistic (I don't think I am).
> 
> ...


Been 18 months since what? Since you had sex?

You can want your wife to do anything. But she would have to agree to do it.

What are you wanting her to do now that she did 20 years ago?


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## Justinr (Jan 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Been 18 months since what? Since you had sex?
> 
> You can want your wife to do anything. But she would have to agree to do it.
> 
> What are you wanting her to do now that she did 20 years ago?


Its been 18 months since we last had sex. 

For the last 10 years I have initiated it, for the last year it has always been a "NO" : "I'm tired", "Can we do it in the morning?","I'm comfortable where I'm lying now".

What she won't do now (other than sex mentioned above) is give me a blowjob (and a couple of other things but not out of the ordinary).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well it sounds like now she won't even have sex. The items on your list are no very important until you two get some sex back in your life.

Your marriage is not sexless. Why do you think that she is denying you sex? Has she told you what the issues are?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Well it sounds like now she won't even have sex. The items on your list are no very important until you two get some sex back in your life.
> 
> Your marriage is not sexless. Why do you think that she is denying you sex? Has she told you what the issues are?


Agreed with EleGirl (though I assume 'not' means 'now' regarding the marriage being sexless?), well said. Get back to the basics (in this case, just having sex) before you go any further. Walk before you run.

That said, I think it's pretty rotten to do things sexually at the beginning, then not do them later (barring a good reason of course). If he was good enough to impress back then, why isn't he good enough to impress now.

To the OP, I'll flip that around on you and ask, do you do everything for her she liked then, or have you let anything fall off as well? For example, if you bought her flowers, dressed nicely for her, opened doors, etc. back then, do you do it all now? If not, get back at it. It's hard to fault her for letting something slip off if you are doing the same.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Agreed with EleGirl (though I assume 'not' means 'now' regarding the marriage being sexless?), well said. Get back to the basics (in this case, just having sex) before you go any further. Walk before you run.
> 
> That said, I think it's pretty rotten to do things sexually at the beginning, then not do them later (barring a good reason of course). If he was good enough to impress back then, why isn't he good enough to impress now.
> 
> To the OP, I'll flip that around on you and ask, do you do everything for her she liked then, or have you let anything fall off as well? For example, if you bought her flowers, dressed nicely for her, opened doors, etc. back then, do you do it all now? If not, get back at it. It's hard to fault her for letting something slip off if you are doing the same.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Justinr said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Complete newbie here and literally at the end of my tether, but want to make sure I am not being unrealistic (I don't think I am).
> 
> ...


Dude... if you haven't had sex with your wife for the past 18 months, her getting a wax job or wearing sexy underwear is the least of your problems.

Assuming you are meeting her needs, then you have every right to expect an intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship with her. You promised monogamy, but not celibacy.

Are you meeting her needs? Have you asked her? If she says you are, she needs to meet yours. If she says you aren't, there's your starting point.

BTW - you HAVE told her that you'd be willing to have your pubic hair ripped out and have a thong floss your butt cheeks all day, haven't you? What's fair is fair.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Besides meeting her needs, sounds like my wife prior to her hormone therapy. It has completely changed her sex drive.
Especially at her age...go get her adrenals checked.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Justinr said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Complete newbie here and literally at the end of my tether, but want to make sure I am not being unrealistic (I don't think I am).
> 
> ...


My wife does not like to do items 1 & 2. I wish she would and I occasionally have tried to get her to shave, I'm not going to lose too much sleep over it if she doesn't. Item 3 sucks. That's a bait and switch and should not be tolerated.

Regarding the lack of sex for 18 months, this is by far the biggest issue you have. 

You had a curious way to get to the big issue - like someone telling us that they dislike their house because some various cosmetic issues and oh by the way the house is on fire...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Well she told you everything that's important.

She no longer has to impress you.

You have to make it so that she feels she has to impress you.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Seems to me you should be letting her know at this stage if she wants to stay married to you she's going to have to "impress" you.


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

Total bait and switch. It took guts for her to tell that to your face. I would be planning my way out. She came into the marriage actively deceiving you. That's unforgivable to me. I know I may sound like a broken record, but if you stay after this you're kind of asking for more abuse.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> You had a curious way to get to the big issue - like someone telling us that they dislike their house because some various cosmetic issues and oh by the way the house is on fire...


Its human denial, nothing more.

He can't deal with the big problem right in front of his nose so he's addressing the smaller, insignificant ones.

That's why I often say that posters don't always ask the right questions and sometimes you have to provide answers that they weren't looking for.

I like the analogy. I was actually thinking of one more along the lines of "how can I improve my car's gas mileage" but in fact the car was totaled in a wreck and it's rotting in a junkyard somewhere.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Yup, bait and switch confession. My ex did the same. And sex life never recovered. I wouldn't tolerate it and we split. Best thing I ever did for myself. 

As for the waxing, that crap is painful, and if they don't like doing it for themselves, they likely won't do it for you if they're not wanting to impress you. 

As an aside, any woman that waxes, should try "sugaring" instead. Considerably less painful, and better, longer lasting results. My W swears by it. Gives a little more motivation to keep up with it when it isn't quite so painful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I would say it's not unrealistic but there is an underlying problem that needs to be addressed first. Like others said, are you doing your part? Wether it is horomones or the passion is just gone, that needs to be fixed first.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Yup, bait and switch confession. My ex did the same. And sex life never recovered. I wouldn't tolerate it and we split. Best thing I ever did for myself. 

As for the waxing, that crap is painful, and if they don't like doing it for themselves, they likely won't do it for you if they're not wanting to impress you. 

As an aside, any woman that waxes, should try "sugaring" instead. Considerably less painful, and better, longer lasting results. My W swears by it. Gives a little more motivation to keep up with it when it isn't quite so painful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

What is your life situation? Kids, ages, work. 

It would be helpful to know some details. Your living situation effects your choices. Also knowing what you have done to fix this over the last 18 months. 

Difficult to know what to advise if we don't know what you have done so far.

Can you tell why you mentioned what you would like her to do before listing the most important problem - sexlessness over a long period of time. This may be significant. 

There is something about your mind set that may, at lest partly, contribute to your problem.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

As a few have already asked, can you tell us more about you and your family situation?

Also, has there been a sudden change in your wife that coincided with the 18 month drought? Is she glued to her phone at all time, password protecting her e-mail and FB accounts, won't leave her phone out of sight, unaccounted for time away from home, etc.? 

Is there a chance that there is someone else in the picture? 

Was your sex life more normal in frequency prior to the 18 month drought?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Your wife just isn't into you. Go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and run the Marriage Action Plan (MAP). That's your best bet for becoming attractive to your wife. If you can't attract her again, at least you will be more attractive for other women when you leave your wife.

Good luck.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I find myself wondering if she's turned off to sex because instead of feeling attracted to her as she is, you've sent the message that she's not good enough all these years.

From the way your post is written, I get that feeling and that you tend to assume you can ignore her rights and preferences whenever you want to.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

KathyBatesel said:


> I find myself wondering if she's turned off to sex because instead of feeling attracted to her as she is, you've sent the message that she's not good enough all these years.


Given that she admitted to squelching the sex after dating for a while, I doubt that she did it due to not feeling good enough. It seems reasonable to take her at her word that, once her hubby was hooked, there wasn't much need to keep baiting the hook.


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