# I need some outside perspective (long)



## EricaM (Jan 5, 2012)

Hi,

My name is Erica and I was married on 10-10-10. My husband is 16 years older than me, has two children from two previous relationships and had said that if we were going to marry children had to be an option. It was a deal-breaker for him otherwise.

I have always been a little reserved about having children. All the women in my family have had trouble with their pregnancies and some have never been able to conceive at all. I told him all of this up front and asked him if his children and I would be enough if it came to that. He said yes. 

Now nearly 4 years since that conversation (we met July 4th 2008) he does not want children. 

Im getting a head of myself. He moved out Tuesday while I was at work. He packed up and took everything but 2 storage containers that he didnt have time to come back for after being called into work. When he came home we talked for a while. He had left me a note saying we couldn't be together anymore because we argue all the time, our personalities are not compatible, and he is certain he no longer wants children. He said twice in this note that he still loves me but he had been planning this since before the holidays. 

After much thought and more tears I have decided that I have never wanted children, I only did because I wanted HIS children. I wanted him enough to do something that was outside of my plans. And now hes leaving because he says I will resent him if he stays. We have other issues, we do fight a lot but I think most of that is the child thing as well. Last year we made a resolution to stop smoking, start saving, and get healthier so we could start trying to have a baby. Every time it came up in a serious way we had a fight. I think we both knew deep down this was not what we wanted. 

In one fight, when he had finally expressed that he did not want children my argument for having them was " We have to, because I'm not going to listen to you tell me I don't understand what its like for the rest of my life". Not that I desperately want a child, not that I need this to be fulfilled, or that I have always wanted a family. Just so he couldn't use that argument against me. 
That tells me I never had a real desire for children (right?)

Either way the situation is this. The day he left he conceded to giving it some time. To speak to each other once a week or so, have dinner every couple weeks, and to maybe try a weekend together and see where it goes from there in about 2 months. He emptied the phone and left it at the house. Hes got a new one on order from his brother and sister in law on their plan. Hes moved in with his mother. 

Is he going to call? Is there any chance that this can still work?

I love him, and he says he still loves me. He was wearing his ring when he came to talk to me before he left. He didn't have to agree to try, for all intents and purposes he was already gone. But am I just making myself believe this? Is there hope? What do I do now? How long do I wait? I don't want to seem desperate or to push him further away. He said he'd call when he had his new phone. 

Please please give me some suggestions. My family seems to think its over. Will I be able to trust him if he comes back knowing he planned this and played a perfect part all the way through the holidays? Should I ? 

Help !

Erica


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## Pathfinder (Jan 1, 2012)

Jeez Erica, I am sorry for your situation. It is always hard to walk away from someone we love.

My best advice now is for you to concentrate on you. Forget about whether he will call or not. He left you and he said he would phone you. So let him do that. If he does not then what does that tell you? We cannot force a person to love us and words are cheap. A person shows love, not says it.

You must use this time to get yourself right. Maybe find a support group or go for counseling. Eat right and exercise and get some hobbies and reconnect with friends. IE get a life. Get your smile back. Keep busy and reconnect with yourself. One of the steps in the 180 is to focus on all the parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

I know what it is like watching that phone and willing it to beep or ring but you got to ignore that and the only way to do that is to keep busy. By being busy you distract yourself and give your mind some rest and space to heal. By having a support group and counseling you can equip yourself to deal with your hurts and emotions.

The end result is a better you that will either be strong enough to move on or attractive enough for him to come running back too.

Really, what else are you to do? Sit there and replay every conversation, dwelling on the past now wont help you nearly as much as putting your energy into the future.

My $0.02c worth anyway


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## Pathfinder (Jan 1, 2012)

Jeez Erica, I am sorry for your situation. It is always hard to walk away from someone we love.

My best advice now is for you to concentrate on you. Forget about whether he will call or not. He left you and he said he would phone you. So let him do that. If he does not then what does that tell you? We cannot force a person to love us and words are cheap. A person shows love, not says it.

You must use this time to get yourself right. Maybe find a support group or go for counseling. Eat right and exercise and get some hobbies and reconnect with friends. IE get a life. Get your smile back. Keep busy and reconnect with yourself. One of the steps in the 180 is to focus on all the parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

I know what it is like watching that phone and willing it to beep or ring but you got to ignore that and the only way to do that is to keep busy. By being busy you distract yourself and give your mind some rest and space to heal. By having a support group and counseling you can equip yourself to deal with your hurts and emotions.

The end result is a better you that will either be strong enough to move on or attractive enough for him to come running back too.

Really, what else are you to do? Sit there and replay every conversation, dwelling on the past now wont help you nearly as much as putting your energy into the future.

My $0.02c worth anyway


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