# So worried about the future...



## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

Thanks for reading this in advance. My husband and I have had a lot of problems over the last couple of years. We went through therapy etc and then stopped when I had a health scare. Then we never returned -- I did to my individual therapist but he chose not to. 

Things began to slide back again. Everyone says he exhibits symptoms of narcissism. However - I truly don't think he does things to be mean or spiteful. He's just selfish. He doesn't MEAN to be...he just tends to act that way. Anyway, after a long talk AGAIN - he said he would go back to HIS therapist. He did not want to go to couples therapy again. He starts again with his therapist today. 

I'm writing because I have tried and tried with him. I get really upset when he hurts me. Last thing he did...was not accompany me through surgery out of state. (It was just minor reconstructive surgery under anesthesia but I still needed a driver and someone to watch me). I went out of state because it was the best surgeon for the job. My husband initially told me he couldn't come because he had to work. He led me to believe he had no more days available to take (except holidays). Turns out -- that's wrong. He could have taken off. Instead, I flew out and took a cab to the surgeon -- had the surgery and hired someone to take me to the hotel and watch me. Then flew home the next morning to help watch our son -- because my husband wouldn't take time off. 

Anyway -- he has since apologized to me for that ...considering I asked him to be there in advance and he told me he couldn't...or to "reschedule for next year". Well -- I keep forgiving him. Over and over. I believe I still love him. But - I hold a grudge. We were trying to be intimate last weekend and it was all I could do...not to cry. I kept having thoughts of how thoughtless he is...how he left me alone. How he didn't get me an anniversary present --after 10 years -- how he only cares when I get upset and tell him I am not able to keep coaching him through this marriage any more. That's the only time I see him change... 

I guess I want to know if this is repairable. How can I let go of all this anger and not feel so bitter when I see him. I was really trying last weekend when we went on a date. We were sitting at dinner and all he wanted to talk about was work and how he had seen some photos of an elderly woman who died in a nursing home. He kept describing the BLACK ROTTING flesh -- and the bones sticking out of this person's backside. He was GRAPHIC. I kept asking him to please stop and he kept laughing thinking my reaction was funny.... 

I thought -- WHY can't I just end this? Well - truth be told -- I keep thinking being alone will be worse... I don't want my son to be without a father...and he does do SOME good things. He's a family guy when he's home... etc. 

I guess I just need to hear how someone else might cope with this situation?

Thanks in advance.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Maybe becase I fell like I'm in a similar situation, your situation really seems like you are grappling with some of the same basic questions. In your case, its' "Does he care? Is he even capable of caring?" If you could find a positive answer, then perhaps you'd be able to forgive a host of hurts.

My wife suffers from borderline persoanlity behaviors. Because she feels unlovable, her mind constantly portrays me as a very bad person, despite the fact that she could intellectually see me as a good husband. So, it is hard for her to smile at me, or offer endearing phrases, or reach out.

And we communicate so differently. I think a life partner should be awakened in the morning with peace and good feelings. So, I always turn on the wall lights, waking her gently with the soothing music on the mp3 player, and a cup of coffee on the bedside table, and whispered words of waking. She just flips on the 200 watt overhead light and leaves.

She is sick and has migraines very often (couple of times per week). I think this is the time to make people feel cared for. If its a virus or something, I make soup and bring her favorite drinks. Many times, with the migraines, I'll carry her upstairs to our bed. The only time I had the flu, I passed out on the bathroom floor. She just periodically asked me if I was okay, and the next day told me to go to bed.

Yes, we've talked about these issues many times, and its hurtful to hear her say that she does it deliberately because of the voices that tell her how much she should hate me.

Now that we are really struggling with marriage, her depression has really worsened. Her constant comment is that she really needs me to treat her like I did in the past. Our marriage conselor has told her that she must move beyond her own pain and occasionally consider my needs, else we will divorce. Intellectually, she knows that she should, but I can't get past the basic question of whether she'll ever be an active participant in the marriage. The real question is "Is she capable of reaching beyond her pain and caring?"

For me, I've given the situation a time limit. A point when it'll be determined. She knows this date, but I've tried to only mention it in the context of not letting a situation stretch on forever. I'm trying to support her and encourage her work with her psychiatrist. There are several areas where I've become stubborn, so I'm working on these. In the end, if she can't answer those questions positively, we'll likely divorce.

The frustrating part is that 90% of the time, she will not admit that she has any problems, feeling like the depression and self hate are just normal, and the issues are mine. I'm trying to look past this.


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I"m really glad to hear other stories, as well. I'm sorry for all that you are going through. I can imagine the time limit..is going to help you sort through your thoughts... 

I hope you don't mind...I just need an ear .... I just got off of the phone with DH. He went to his individual therapist for the first time in 4 or so months ...today.

he just told me that he told the therapist that he just seemed incapable of responding to my needs well...and that he was absent minded and selfish...and he didn't know what to do about it.

His plan? He wants to try again...and he would carry a notebook with him...at all times to make sure he understood our communications...and wrote down things....so he could be clear about what I needed and he wouldn't forget.

A NOTEBOOK???????????? Seriously!!!

I guess I'm just really upset...I am at my desk and I"m about to burst into tears... 

Do you see any logic in that? Am I just too far gone? That just sounds crazy to me...


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

My wife has kept a journal for about 15 years for similar reasons. I've never noticed that it helped her, but when she lets me read it, it lets me better understand her. Intellectually, she wants to do the right things, and writes about this. Problem is putting it into action.

Probably sounds too analytical or hoakey for most, but I keep a notecard in my desk with my life's mission. I don't like to let time slip and forget the little things, so I started a habit of repeating it before my feet hit the floor in the morning. Sometimes, I change it, hence the need to keep in my desk. My wife tried this with some success. It says things like, "How will I serve God today through my actions? How will I show my wife and children that I cherish them? What tangible actions will I take today to improve my job?"

For me, it helps me think of visible actions to keep myself on target.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

needopinion said:


> Thank you so much for your thoughts. I"m really glad to hear other stories, as well. I'm sorry for all that you are going through. I can imagine the time limit..is going to help you sort through your thoughts...
> 
> I hope you don't mind...I just need an ear .... I just got off of the phone with DH. He went to his individual therapist for the first time in 4 or so months ...today.
> 
> ...


I don't understand the problem with the notebook. Your H has recognised some of his problems and is not denying them. So now he wants to develop new habits. And he wants to use a notebook to help with that. I'm guessing he has many things and responsibilities in life taking up his time and attention, especially work unless of course he doesn't need to pay any bills?

He's just using the notebook to help keep him focused on what you say is important to you. New habits take a while to develop. Surely that's commendable?

Bob


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

I see your point. I do. I guess it's just hard for me to understand how this would help solve our problems. I asked him to name something that this might have helped him with. (nicely)
He named off a situation that was not done of forgetfulness but rather selfishness. I asked how that might come into play and he got angry and said I "don't know had I had the notebook during the session maybe I'd remember.". It was terribly annoying. My husband does not pay bills. He doesn't do anything other than work a lot and clean because he is OCD. 

I wish I could say I was encouraged but I felt so sad because he would not need a notebook to solve our problems. Sure forgetfulness can be annoying... But that's not it. He said having the notebook handy may have helped him in the ordeal over my surgery out of state. Nope. I asked 18 different ways til Sunday for him to come... He didn't "forget". He chose not to be there. How would that change things?




AFEH said:


> I don't understand the problem with the notebook. Your H has recognised some of his problems and is not denying them. So now he wants to develop new habits. And he wants to use a notebook to help with that. I'm guessing he has many things and responsibilities in life taking up his time and attention, especially work unless of course he doesn't need to pay any bills?
> 
> He's just using the notebook to help keep him focused on what you say is important to you. New habits take a while to develop. Surely that's commendable?
> 
> Bob


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Maybe the notebook is for the absent minded bit? I can understand your frustration. He's admitted he's selfish. Surely those are moving forward things.

Denial, blaming, stubborness from H would be staying the same.

The thing with these things is to encourage and reward good behaviour. Otherwise things rapidly go back to square 1. Seems like he is trying, isn't that what you want? Change takes time.

Who's earning the money?

Bob


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

I make the money. He used to be the one who spent it all and then some. He has curtailed that for the most part. He has a pattern of finding easy "solutions" and then backing off... Slowly going right back to where we were. He just keeps "appearing" to try... But he's just trying to get me off his back. 

I was really thinking hard today...this is the guy who wouldn't attend my "going away" party at work (he and I work together) because he said my friends should have recognized I needed to be home packing instead. Friends drove in from out of town and he wouldn't even go and HE got a new job too... We were supposed to celebrate together. 

Our relationship is flawed in so many areas. Weird bad sex... He was addicted to porn.... We are in debt because of his 60k mistake ... He asked his elderly parents for 20k ... So he could blow it on furniture and a vacation. My son doesn't have a college fund... We don't even own a house... And he recently told me I needed to make sure we save 20k in 9 months so we could buy a house when our lease is up 


It's frustrating... What do I do? I have hung on to hope for SO long...

Sure some things have improved...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

Ok. New concern tonight. I'm stunned. I went to search our email and I found some deleted email that my husband was involved in. Some girl sought him out and emailed him and told him how great he was at his job and how attractive he was. She asked him if she could take him to lunch to "pick his brain" on his line of work. He accepted! He said that he would be happy to help her... 

I would NEVER do something like this ... Especially with out telling my husband first. I haven't approached him.. But wow. I'm stunned. 

A few months ago a woman he used to work with years ago kept calling him by pet names on facebook. I asked him if that was his nickname... And he said no. I asked why she was doing that and he said it was nothing. He then said he would shut down his facebook page because he didn't want to cause problems in the marriage. Then 4 weeks later I noticed it was still up... And he told me he "didn't know how" to shut it down. He never did...

I don't believe he would ever cheat.. But I'm sti very alarmed by this. Am I too sensitive?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

needopinion said:


> Ok. New concern tonight. I'm stunned. I went to search our email and I found some deleted email that my husband was involved in. Some girl sought him out and emailed him and told him how great he was at his job and how attractive he was. She asked him if she could take him to lunch to "pick his brain" on his line of work. He accepted! He said that he would be happy to help her... _Posted via Mobile Device_


The request to pick his brain isn't abnormal, but the attractive part ....?

You are correct in expecting him to decline.


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

What would you do in this situation? Confront him?

UOTE=takris;194580]The request to pick his brain isn't abnormal, but the attractive part ....?

You are correct in expecting him to decline.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Just my opinion - In my line of work, I have to take 8 hours of conflict resolution training every year, so my approach is to try to address the behaviors, not the person, and in a way that diffuses anger. 

If you explain to him that, given the issues you two are working on, it is really important for both of you to work on trust, and then just tell him what you saw. Perhaps you can tell him that you are choosing to not automatically assume the worst, but explain how you 'a person in our situation' might be expected to behave.

Concerning trust, he may ask why you checked his emails if you really trust him. But your fear in this relationship hovers around the issue that you are not really sure you can trust that he is committed to this relationship. If you feel that it was wrong to check the emails, tell him so, and offer to try to do your part in building trust. In my marriage, my wife and I committed to an open book approach, so she is free to check my emails at any time. 

Incidentally, over 20 years ago, when I began to really face the fact that my wife had personality behavior issues, she sometimes threatened in a reactive anger about 'getting what she needed' elsewhere when I was very busy at work. This is often a real issue with people who have borderline personality issues, but she has never cheated. I don't tend to be very jealous, but I did check up on her a little. She is very attractive, and even modeled in fashion shows arranged by an aquantance she treated as a nurse. Sometimes, the organizer asked me to be the escort to the women on the stage. On one occasion where I wasn't participating, I went anyway and noticed that a doctor friend of hers was very friendly. Too friendly. After a similar discussion, she admitted to allowing him to go a little overboard in their discussions and cut off any contact. This was when we adopted the open book approach.


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