# Need a Woman's Advice



## montana_mike (Feb 18, 2010)

Hi...I am Mike and am having a problem that I want a woman's advice on. My wife and I have been married for 4 years. We are both in our mid 30s and have a pretty solid marriage. We certainly have our fights and differences but are both pretty loyal and committed and really are best friends.

A little more background before I get to the problem. We are pretty well-off financially. I own a company and have saved up quite a bit in addition to making a pretty good living. She comes from a wealthy family and has a bit of money on her own. When you factor in that we don't have kids (we plan to one day) and that we don't have an extravagant lifestyle, money isn't a big concern for us.

I love work and work pretty hard. I get a ton of satisfaction out of it...always have. I was taught that growing up.

She does not work. She never really has. Her parents always took care of her and money was never an issue. She has a college degree from a really good school but just has never worked.

It's always bothered me that she doesn't work. She sleeps in until noon, stays up really late (3 a.m.) watching re-runs, etc. She does certainly take great care of the house and our dog, and is a great cook, but I really wish she had something in her life that could get her into a normal routine like the rest of our friends. I get kind of embarrassed when people ask what she does. She doesn't have an answer. Most importantly, I think she is missing the kind of satisfaction/personal fulfillment that comes from being productive during the day.

Now, the problem is getting a bit more serious. She recently lost a family member to cancer, someone she was very close to. She is very upset as she nursed her through the process. Now that she has passed away, she has nothing to do. I am worried that she is really going to be depressed with nothing to do but dwell on her loss. At the same time, I really think she needs to use her talents and gifts in some way.

When I talk to her about it, she just says "I don't want to go work at The Gap" or "I will look into it at some point," but nothing ever happens. I really want to encourage her to do something with her life. Am I wrong to feel this way? If not, what should I do?


----------



## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

Well, I think it's great that you seem to be pretty grateful for your station in life. For some people, the idea of sitting around watching reruns might be the ideal life. 

I think perhaps rather than asking her what she wants to do with her time, perhaps a more fruitful approach would be to start a conversation about what she loves doing or even just thinking about. Perhaps she was really engaged in caring for her family member, and there was something about that experience that really made her feel full, alive, and joyous.

Maybe start with that, as a gentle and intimate remembrance of her family member, and let the conversation go where it will. I suspect that the more you try to draw her toward things like, "well maybe you could do X, Y, or Z," the more likely she will be to resist... so instead, I would just start a very broad conversation about what kinds of things "get her up in the morning," so to speak.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

What about volunteer work? Sounds like she is just waiting to have kids and does not see any reason to start a job and then quit, really. Volunteer work is a perfectly acceptable option for someone who does not "have" to work. For one thing, it serves a need; for another, it keeps that person from taking a job someone might really need. I think the idea of talking to her about her passions would be a good opening to suggest she volunteer.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree.

Plus, this is YOUR issue, not hers. Is it fair for you to expect her to believe what YOU believe? We could just as easily be here with HER, discussing why her husband won't stop nagging her to do what HE wants.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That said, there IS a danger for people who don't have to work to fall into an aimless existence. Great way for affairs to start, since she's getting no real satisfaction from life. So don't think I'm telling you to stop worrying about it. 

I think volunteering is the way to go. Go along with her to some things, and hope that one of them strikes her fancy. 

You also may want to consider whether you want to continue to make it so comfortable for her to not have to come up with something.


----------



## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

turnera said:


> I agree.
> 
> Plus, this is YOUR issue, not hers. Is it fair for you to expect her to believe what YOU believe? We could just as easily be here with HER, discussing why her husband won't stop nagging her to do what HE wants.


A point well-made.


----------



## Cricket5 (Feb 11, 2010)

If she is not ready to commit to volunteering a great idea would be for her to rediscover a pssion she may have had and has lost. Maybe horses, or exercise, book clubs, women's groups or any other activity or club she could become part of. It is easy to have a non essential existence and until she can find what make her happy and passionate it may spell trouble later down the road.


----------



## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

I would just reiterate that I think you have to inquire with her, rather than trying to lead her to a conclusion. I think if you drive the conversation with questions like, "why don't you do some volunteer work," she's more likely to resist your efforts. 

This is why I say asking her about what she really loves is probably a good tactic... because the whole thing can really be her idea, and you're not pushing, or heaven forbid, "nagging."


----------



## montana_mike (Feb 18, 2010)

I appreciate the insights, here. Very much. I most identify with the suggestion that her finding some constructive outlet (either old or new). I certainly hear the notion that she ultimately needs to want to do something...it can't be me forcing the issue.

I might suggest that characterizing this as "my issue" (in all caps, no less) is missing the point. I'm not trying to force anyone to do anything they don't want to. I'm simply suggesting that part of maximizing one's potential in life is in finding constructive uses of one's time. I think that is a fairly widely-held ideal. That's perhaps my opinion, but I don't think that is me having "an issue."


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

montana_mike said:


> When you factor in that we don't have kids (we plan to one day) and that we don't have an extravagant lifestyle, money isn't a big concern for us.


Ok, so you're in your mid-30s and she has jack to do all day. What are you waiting for? Do the math. If you have a child in a year you'll be in your mid 50s with a kid in high school and college.

Start your family. Money's not a problem, and she is a caregiver with nothing to do.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

montana_mike said:


> I might suggest that characterizing this as "my issue" (in all caps, no less) is missing the point. I'm not trying to force anyone to do anything they don't want to. I'm simply suggesting that part of maximizing one's potential in life is in finding constructive uses of one's time. I think that is a fairly widely-held ideal. That's perhaps my opinion, but I don't think that is me having "an issue."


But is it HER ideal? Obviously not!

So...why is the ideal YOU hold better or more correct than the ideal SHE holds?


----------



## montana_mike (Feb 18, 2010)

michzz said:


> Ok, so you're in your mid-30s and she has jack to do all day. What are you waiting for? Do the math. If you have a child in a year you'll be in your mid 50s with a kid in high school and college.
> 
> Start your family. Money's not a problem, and she is a caregiver with nothing to do.


Great point...we are headed in that direction. Thanks for your perspective.


----------



## montana_mike (Feb 18, 2010)

turnera said:


> But is it HER ideal? Obviously not!
> 
> So...why is the ideal YOU hold better or more correct than the ideal SHE holds?


You know, you have an interesting point. I hope you can tell from my tone that I'm not about forcing her into anything. If I was sure that this was simply a difference in ideals, I would certainly have to learn to accept that. But I'm not so sure that's the case. I think this is an issue where she's not aware of the satisfaction that she's missing from not being engaged in something constructive.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> she's not aware of the satisfaction that she's missing


This is the satisfaction YOU would assume you'd get. 

Would you be doing this if it were, say, your best friend? Your mom? Your grandmother?

Are you sure this isn't something you're doing for your own self interest? You worry that she'll become unhappy, i.e., not a good wife for you. That's more self-preservation than true concern for HER happiness.

I'm not trying to be rude, just to get you to see that you are still making a HUGE assumption - that another person's goals are inferior to yours.

Wouldn't you hate it if she did that to YOU? You say you get great satisfaction from working. Maybe _she_ gets great satisfaction from being home alone. Lord knows *I* would! I would be in hog heaven to get to wake up and just say hmmm, what shall I watch on tv? instead of well, what do I tackle first?

I didn't say you were forcing her. I said you were taking the stance that what YOU want for her is BETTER than what SHE wants for her.

You have a great work ethic. But that is not the ONLY ethic out there. Unless she is doing something destructive, there is nothing wrong with her choosing a different one.

My H and I won a trip to Spain once from his company, first class all the way - they had trips planned out for us every single day. We went all over the place - cos we were 'supposed' to; it's what people do. Think of the satisfaction we would have missed out on by not going on all the trips. 

Well, there was a couple on the trip who spent the entire week at the hotel - by the pool, in their room, going for walks on the beach...

Everyone was flummoxed with this couple. What were they thinking? Didn't they realize what they were missing out on? Weren't they _aware_ of the satisfaction they could be having by seeing La Granada?

They just looked at us, smiled, and said, 'this is the best trip we have ever been on.' Because they did what made THEM happy.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> What about volunteer work? Sounds like she is just waiting to have kids and does not see any reason to start a job and then quit, really. Volunteer work is a perfectly acceptable option for someone who does not "have" to work. For one thing, it serves a need; for another, it keeps that person from taking a job someone might really need. I think the idea of talking to her about her passions would be a good opening to suggest she volunteer.


 These are my thoughts. There are too few jobs in this country for people who genuinly NEED them, so those who are well off, could find much fullfillment & productivity (if that is truly what you are concerned about) by helping others in some way. I am sure that this family member had a much better ending in life because of her time and care for her. God Bless her being able to BE there!

Are you sure you are not secretly "resenting" the fact she apprears to be doing nothing "productive" and people like this "get under your skin", always have and probably always will, because you have been raised up to be a Work horse? 

Seriously, not trying to get on you but not all men think like you, My husband DOES NOT want me to work. We do fine financially, and I am sure He makes alot less than yourself in comparison. But we do have kids at home. Would you still want your wife to be working when the kids are born? 

One could argue I do absolutely NOTHING productive when I am home, except maybe cooking , cleaning & a little playing with the kids. Infact, a stay at home wife should be a helpmate in every single way to cater to her husband's NEEDS because he is carrying a heavier load- working that 40 hrs a week or more. I believe that! The more she does at home, faithfully getting up to make his breakfact, packing his lunch, paying bills, doing the shopping, trying to save $$ where she can, maybe Ebaying, taking care of appointments, fixing little things, organizing, etc, is less for YOU to do and that should be HER PURPOSE. Is she carrying THAT load for you, or slacking? 

I am thankful my husband feels the way He does. I feel he is proud of me -just staying at Home, he is not embarassed. (You mentioned embarrassment among friends about your wife). 

I spend much of my free time on this board! I guess I feel that is better than watching Soap operas or quoting every minute of my day on Facebook or playing games, what alot of my other stay at home mom friends do. 

It does appear this is bothering you more than her. As long as she is keeping up the house, giving you good meals and doing her duties within your home to make your life easeir when you come home, IF SHE IS HAPPY (??) and you can afford this financially, I hope you can overcome these rising feelings of Unproductivity- on her part.


----------



## Yoyo (Feb 21, 2010)

Hi Mike, what does she want to do? I think that's more important. I understand all that you did is trying to make her life better. But what if she is happy and feel satisfied with being a full time housewife? How about having a kid? That would bring more value, happiness and satisfaction to your life. Best wishes!


----------

