# marriage is gone; hope springs eternal



## dazenconfused (Jan 27, 2015)

I'm currently 2.5 months into a separation with my husband of almost 9 years. We dated exclusively since high school (18 yrs together) despite not living close by, changing schools, college. We also have 4 children together (7, 6, 4, 2).

Our relationship has been financially and emotionally strained for years. We both work full-time and in addition to that his jobs have always been all consuming and stressful. All through this I've been the breadwinner, while he has had several failed businesses and job issues (mostly horrible luck). Our finances have truly suffered and this impacted our relationship together (constant pressure, me arguing about overdue bills, him lying).

Well things were rough over the fall. It became clear that the job he had worked at for 9 months was not going to live up to their high promises (he's suing them). The mortgage was over a month late, his business equipment loans were calling to repossess them. He put himself on the couch in Oct (bad habit of his). When I did my typical, 1 month later "stop sleeping on the couch and sleep with me", he refused saying he couldn't if he wasn't emotionally connected. He never had rejected me for sex before. And no solution in sight. And I thought he felt guilty over all this. He was working 24/7 trying to prove himself at this job.

Or at least that's what I thought the issue was. 

Early in Nov, my mom decided to take 3 of the kids on a little vacation. Which was great, because I had been overwhelmed with taking care of them (since my husband had been super busy the last few months). Well, somehow my husband decided to go see a friend he hadn't seen in years. So I wanted him to take the youngest so I could work on a house project. Yikes, that didn't happen. I called him up asking when he was going to be home to pick her up...and when i ask where he was , he told me he was on the highway. So I told him not to come back. And he didn't.

bam, what a shock.

I figured he'd snap out of it, so I didn't bug him the first few days. Then we had an issue that he NEEDED to be involved with, and he was. But he became less and less involved with us, granted some of it was probably work related. He would on occasion pick up two of the kids at daycare. Then sit on the couch with them while i made them dinner. Then he would tuck them to bed and leave. 
But then he even stopped calling them on the weekends...which is totally weird because he was always very connected with the kids. 

I started getting even more angry, because he left us. I had people calling me about bills every day. It was awful.
I tried getting answers out of him, but he wouldn't give me any. Eventually I started throwing around "divorce".
At the eleventh hour, he did pay two months of mortgage.

The holidays were an absolute disaster for me. I spent the entire time crying. But by the end, I was forced to realize that this was real. He wasn't snapping out of it. My family knew. A coworker knew...it was time to get it out in the open. So I did..via facebook. Tacky maybe. But he's grew up in an alcoholic, manipulative home where secrets flourished. 

Well, my admitting we were separated to the world helped me. I also read an article on stonewalling and what he might be feeling. It really hit home. So, i started texting him. trying to have an actual conversation to address the feelings (instead of the bills). It took a week or so, but I was working through my feelings one text at a time. I didn't want to wait for him to wake up, I tried to initiate it (BTW I'm the initiator in everything emotional-he is horribly closed off).

After a few days, he said we should talk to get things settled.
But the talk never happened. Over and over again. One day, I thought we had a decent text conversation. and we did manage to have two good, but short chats last week. Oh and I did manage to sleep with him (which he now says made him angry)

But I entered into the texting him for therapy...like all night. oh it's embarassing. But i needed him to hear what I wanted to say. to feel comfortable to talk to me, because he is so closed off and i didn't want him to feel guilty about all the job stuff that wasn't his fault.

But the rejection of him not talking to me, really gets to me. So my emotions are constantly up and down. Round and round. The slightest thing, I take to heart. And I take any positive sight as hope. 

He found a marriage counselor and we are schedule for tomorrow. But that won't happen because of an impending storm. I don't have hope for it though. He seemed to be waiting to talk until we go there...but he won't really open up to me alone.

But without him talking...I know it's futile. So I guess that's why I'm here writing this. Hoping you'll say he's just a hurt guy who needs more time. But knowing you won't say that. 

I've read a few posts on here that could have been me writing them. And things did not go well for those people. I get that I "should" walk away. But with 4 kids, bills, and that I still love him ....it's so hard. The realization he may never "wake up" to the damage we've caused is awful.


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## FormerVictim (Jan 13, 2015)

The harder you push, the less chance you have.

Those texts are received by him and internalized as "pressure".

Have you had any therapy? What was your childhood like?


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## dazenconfused (Jan 27, 2015)

FormerVictim said:


> The harder you push, the less chance you have.
> 
> Those texts are received by him and internalized as "pressure".
> 
> Have you had any therapy? What was your childhood like?


So, am I supposed to do "no contact"? 
Or just stick with stupid chitchat...he seems to handle that much better. I just hate ignoring everything. It won't go away on it's own (is my feeling).

yeah, i don't want to pressure him. when i was talking to him a week ago, he said he was overloaded and just couldn't deal.
He's always put on a strong face and never let anything bother him. So it's difficult to understand he's having major issues, even if he isn't showing it (well aside from not being here).

It's just soooo hard for me to see how talking to him pressures him. That's what makes ME feel better. So I don't understand how it wouldn't for him. (yeah, I've read a million articles saying differently but I still just don't get it. I never had a brother, so men's thinking is strange to me. I stare at my two boys and wonder how on earth they think the things they do.)

lol...no therapy for me (yet?? ). A 1hr session so wouldn't be enough for me. I talk to much sometimes, when I'm nervous.

Childhood was pretty normal, nothing huge. We weren't good communicators as far as emotions. My mom's classic phrase was "we'll discuss this later" and later never ever happened.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

dazenconfused said:


> So, am I supposed to do "no contact"?
> Or just stick with stupid chitchat...he seems to handle that much better. I just hate ignoring everything. It won't go away on it's own (is my feeling).
> 
> yeah, i don't want to pressure him. when i was talking to him a week ago, he said he was overloaded and just couldn't deal.
> ...


No contact would help you because right now he knows exactly how you feel. He has no risk in continuing his course of action because he knows right where you are and he can come back anytime. 

You say talking to him makes you feel better but your kind of just stringing yourself along. Where is he staying?


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

My husband (we are separated) always hated "talking" about anything involving feelings and still does. I emailed him about a week ago (we are in touch via email as needed-we are on cordial terms) asking how he felt about the idea of a legal separation or divorce, if I did the filing and submitted a sample agreement for him to review. He wrote back that he is not ready, can't deal right now, is having a hard time, etc...which I know is true. Even though he is the one who asked me to move out, it was not due to affairs on either part or any angry scenes, just the sad ending of a long marriage, and his mental and physical health issues over the past few years. Funny, he is being more communicative and open in these post-separation emails than he was during most of our 20+ years together.

Does your husband seem willing to have text or email "conversations"? Not an ideal solution, but they can be better than nothing. Some men (and some women, I suppose) just can't do face-to-face.


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## dazenconfused (Jan 27, 2015)

honcho said:


> Where is he staying?


He is staying with his cousin (girl around the same age as him) in one of her roomates' rooms (who's on a 3 month european trip). He had been on their couch for at least a month. The apartment is in NYC, which is 45+ min from us. And supposedly they were hinting at rent (imagine that). 

Several weeks ago, when he answered an email about what to do with the kids he said he wanted to move closer to where we are. And for me to stay in this town. He also said he ideally wanted 50/50 custody. But those requests are idealistic and probably impossible.



jane139 said:


> Does your husband seem willing to have text or email "conversations"? Not an ideal solution, but they can be better than nothing. Some men (and some women, I suppose) just can't do face-to-face.


Not really. I've done a lot of talking. And he has not responded except for a few rare occasions. I can see him having trouble face-to-face. He's always picked odd spots for talking (which were comfort spots for him). He proposed in the kitchen of his dad's apartment/business....totally not romantic, but totally him. When we've had a couple bad fights in the past, I made him sit in bed to talk...and it helped.


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