# A dilemma



## summertime119 (Nov 23, 2012)

Hi everyone,

New poster here. I have a little (perhaps not so little) dilemma and I've heard very good things about the Men's Clubhouse so that I would post. 

So I'm in a relationship with a girl who is lovely, loving and caring. I like her very much. Although I fancy her, I feel that my physical attraction to her is not strong enough. I keep telling myself that looks aren't everything and as I'm still attracted to her it isn't really a problem. However, I spend much of my time thinking that I am not fully satisfied physically (and I don't mean sexually). 

This is compounded and probably caused by a previous relationship. I was dating a girl for three years who was incredibly attractive (at the time I considered her to be 'out of my league' so to speak). Anyway, towards the end of this relationship, despite the physical attraction she was becoming slightly clingy, perhaps not clingy but controlling and I was allowing her to be this way. A lot of this was my error but I was young. So I ended things and to be honest have regretted it ever since. We've been apart for five years now. A couple of years back I tried to initiate things again whilst I was single but she was in a relationship (which she may still be in). She did show interest but of course it was all very complicated. Two years on and my feelings and lust towards my ex-girlfriend are affecting the way I think about my girlfriend. 

I cannot work out whether I am in this relationship because I am truly happy, am scared of hurting my girlfriend's feelings by breaking up with (I'm not a typical nice guy but I find it impossible to break up with girls) or that I feel I have little chance in getting back with my ex-girlfriend. I'm sure I haven't given enough information but any help, advice or previous experience would be greatly received. 

Thanks guys


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Don't over-complicate it.

Just follow a simple rule; "Do no harm."
And by that, I mean, when it's time to break it off, break it off. Staying and feeding her notion that you are fully invested in the relationship is harmful.

Doesn't mean she needs to the girl of your dreams or that you should promise her the moon.

Let it be whatever it's supposed to be. And if and when that time comes to an end, do the honorable (even if perceived as selfish and cruel thing) and end the relationship.

Sounds to me like you have probably built an idealized concept of your ex ... against which you are measuring other potential mates. Just be aware, that in all likelihood, the perception you have of your ex is in fact not real. You have fabricated it. The woman you are comparing other women against is a construct of your ex ... not the real deal. Let that crap go.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

This is a tough one.

It looks lie you " tempted the hands of faith."
You has a girlfriend who was very attractive in your eyes, you got rid of her,and admitted it was an error in your judgement.
You are now involved with someone else who you are not really physically attracted to, and your ex already has a boyfriend.

If you are not physically attracted to your gf , then it would be hard not to question aspects of the relationship.

Maybe its better you tell your present gf, whenever the right time comes,that you are not attracted to her.
Take some time to sort out yourself, before your next relationship. Find out what you really want in a woman.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

What is your plan?

Picture yourself:

1 year from now.
5 Years from now.
10 Years from now.
20 Years from now.

Whatever you feel now, will become a bigger issue later.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

This is your mother speaking!!!
Follow your heart Son.

Seriously though, I have nothing to add to what's already been mentioned. If it's this difficult for you, you need to seriously figure out why.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

I don't care WHO she is... in 30 years she will NOT be "smoking hot". 

Unless you're prepared to keep trading in the old models for newer ones, until your body can't cash the checks your ego and lust write, and you end up alone, you need to start examining what you REALLY want. You seem to be confusing love and lust. They are two VERY different (and somewhat related) things. 

The fact that you felt stifled by and then shoved away, one you lust after still, means your relationship was never much of one to begin with. Sit down and figure out what a relationship means to you. And if you write that, and realize that your want of physical beauty overrides that... then your'e in NO WAY fit for marriage or even a stable or serious relationship.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

summertime119 said:


> . . . .So I'm in a relationship with a girl who is lovely, loving and caring. I like her very much. Although I fancy her, I feel that my physical attraction to her is not strong enough. I keep telling myself that looks aren't everything and as I'm still attracted to her it isn't really a problem. However, I spend much of my time thinking that I am not fully satisfied physically (and I don't mean sexually). . . .Thanks guys


I hate to sound like I’m over simplifying your dilemma but it looks to me like your asking “Door 1 – The Nice A$$” or “Door 2 – The Otherwise Perfect Life-mate”.

As others have said, butts get wider, breasts sag, stretch-marks happen so if that’s what you are marrying for, you are very likely to be disappointed.

Next time you’re out, take a look at an older couple (a Grandma and Grandpa) – that also is what you should be thinking about. You and this woman 20, 40, 60 years from now. Also ask, who would you like your children to call “Mom” and why do you feel that way.

Truth-be-told, I went for “Door 2” but that doesn’t necessarily mean it is the right decision for you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There are dream cars that you save up for and buy and there are "ok" cars that will get you around until you find your dream car. Both beat walking.


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