# I feel guilty for wanting to separate...



## thumbelina (Oct 1, 2012)

But at the same time I realize that I am at the end of my rope. I was brought up to believe that you make your marriage work no matter what. We have been together for 10 years, and have an 8 year old boy together. These are the reasons I was hanging in there for so long. I do think I love him still and care for him deeply as a person. I did not want to hurt him, he wants to stay together and make things work. We have been through a lot together. He always had anger episodes, not physical and not in front of our son, but nevertheless very stressful for me. Also, alcohol problems. Last few years together, we are either very happy or absolutely miserable. It is exhausting. Am I wrong for wanting to take a break? I am finally coming to the conclusion that I should insist on separation. I am looking for a perspective. thank you.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

I know it's really really hard and scary to decide when the answers don't seem black and white. One thing I've learned is that it is MY decision. I can ask everyone in the world for all the advice I can handle, but I'm the only one with the answer. That's actually really frustrating. What I wouldn't give for a crystal ball or a big billboard from God telling me what to do. Would that be so much to ask?

Yesterday in therapy, something dawned on me. I said to my therapist, "It's better to make a big mistake than to just sit in limbo forever, unable to move." 

So, make a decision and work on it, but know that you are in control and you can change your mind if ever you feel that things aren't working the way they are.

Good luck to you. I never ever thought I'd feel like this. It sucks big time.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

"It's better to make a big mistake than to just sit in limbo forever, unable to move'. Wow, that is really good! 
I separated this year because I knew I had to either make or break my life........we were both miserable and something had to change. It breaks my heart to not be with my kids full time, but they knew how down I was and how the life had gone out of the home. It's hard either way....pick the way that will change things. Have you done MC? If not perhaps do that first.


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## thumbelina (Oct 1, 2012)

Thank you for your replies. SandyLady you are exactly right when you say things are not black and white and that is what makes it difficult to make a decision. And it is probably true that it is better to make the wrong decision than be in a limbo. What makes it especially difficult is that after a huge fight comes this realization that we still love each other and want to make things work. After that we have peace and happiness for a while and then he is pissed at me again and like one poster said walls and doors are abused again. I feel like I never know when it is coming. The highs are high and the lows are getting lower. I do like the idea that you can change your mind if you see that things are not working. I will remind myself of that. For now, I agreed again not to separate... I did some soul-searching before agreeing and I still don't know if this is the right decision. The only upside is that we've agreed that we will make changes and not rush the reconciliation.


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